The Willoughbys/Transcript

The Cat: If you love stories about families that stick together and love each other through thick and thin and it all ends happily ever after... this isn't the film for you, okay? This is my city. I've seen it all. Look at 'em. Boring people living boring lives. I'm not judging. Yeah, I am. I've stared into a lot of windows, okay? I've seen happy families, supportive families, functional families. Ugh. But these best stories are always in the windows where nobody looks. No, look down. There they are. Hidden. I'm the narrator, by the way. And a cat. Get over it, yeah? This family's story is weird, you know, hidden away from the modern world in their old-fashioned home. I'll show you around. Fantastic mouse hunting here. When I say "old-fashioned," I mean they go back a long way. A family legacy of tradition, invention creativity and courage. Their greatness passed down like their magnificent facial hair from generation to generation to generation. Until this one.
[both giggle]
Father:so love being a Willoughby with you.
Mother:Oh, smoopsy buns. I'm so happy!
Cat: Let's jump ahead a few months. When this loving and perfect marriage produced... Well, you know.
Mother:What is that?
Father:Oh, dear.
Father:I'm your father, and that sweet woman that you insulted with your rude birth is Mother. If you need love, I beg of you, find it elsewhere. Thank you. Oh, you are Tim, and you are a Willoughby. Good day, sir.
The Cat: His loving parents had no love left over for Tim. All they gave him was his name. Oh, and siblings. A sister named Jane...
[Jane humming]
Tim:[shushes] Our parents will hear you!
-[sighs]
The Cat:...and twin brothers, both named Barnaby. They're creepy.
Barneby B;Thanks, Barnaby.
Barneby A:You're welcome, Barnaby.
Jane:Why are we staring at this wall?
Tim: Because, Jane, we are Willoughbys.
The Cat: Okay, this Willoughby story is odd, all right? But it's not at all bad. At least they ate every family meal together. And by "they," I mean these two.
-You like it spicy, don't you?
-Oh, I don't just like it...
I loaf it.
The Cat: They just forgot to share with their kids.
I do not predict leftovers.
But I'm so hungry
I just want to eat my own tongue.
-Me, too.
-Me, too.
both:Us, too.
What if we dress a Barnaby up like food--
-Bad idea.
-Terrible idea.
Tim:No, Jane.
Jane:Okay, then, what if I go?
Tim:Stop what if-ing!
Barnaby A: Yeah.
Barnaby B:No what-ifs.
Tim: I know you're hungry, but Willoughbys do not beg for food.
-[Mother and Father giggling]
-We wait.
-[stomach rumbling]
Jane:Oh.
May we have food?
-Food?
-We eat today's food.
You eat yesterday's food.
But you ate all of yesterday's food yesterday.
So there is no food left over for... Jane!
Mother:Huh? My name is Mother. Who is this Jane?
You call your mother names, and you expect us to feed you?
-No, no, no.
Mother: No?
I mean... [laughs nervously]
Yes, Mother. Don't!
Don't?
You do not tell your mother what to do not do!
[both gasp]
-You selfish boy. You ate it all.
Tim:No, I didn't!
Oh, Father.
I'm going to starve. [whimpers]
-[screams]
-It's that girl!
-She brought the small one.
-They are creepy.
both:Hi, Mommy.
What are they doing here?
-Nothing.
Barnabys:Bye, Mommy!
-They're, uh, going...
-Hungry.
These children, always wanting.
-We're fine. Jane!
-The Barnabys could use another sweater.
-One's good.
-We like one.
-[whispers] Barnabys!
-You want two.
[shushing] Stop talking.
-Look at me, I'm fretting.
-Dreadful.
-I'm all a-fret.
-Appalling.
-I can't knit!
-This is all your fault!
My fault? Wha--
[thudding]
Son, you insist on bothering us with your childish needs. Go to the coal bin! Good day, sir.
[door locks] [sighs]
The Cat:Poor Timothy. That's a rotten place for a hairless kid in short trousers, innit?
Tim:[sighs] Sometimes, I wish I wasn't a Willoughby. We used to be great. We were soldiers and scientists, kings and philosophers, explorers and aviators, artists and poets! We climbed the unclimbable, and we always ate together...at tables, like a family, where every Willoughby had a mustache, even the women. We could be great again. No... We will be.
Cat: Against all odds, the Willoughby children still had determination...
Barnaby A:Nice job, Barnaby.
Barnaby B:You, too, Barnaby.
[both] Bye-bye, dirigible!
The Cat: ...imagination... and hope.
[Jane humming]
Jane:Through the glass, over the hedge Follow the rainbow to--
Father:Quiet!
Mother:I can't knit!
Jane:...where my dreams begin--
-[pounding]
-Father:She can't knit!
-[Mother sobs]
Jane:I will be free.
-[pounding]
Father:If she misses a stitch...
Mother: I feel faint!
Father:Oh, Mother, sweet.
Cat: Let's face it. This Willoughby family isn't great, and by the looks of it, they never will be. Not without a little help. Maybe it was the dark and stormy night, maybe I've looked in one too many windows, but this story got to me. I know, narrators aren't supposed to get involved, but just a little nudge. A well-timed cat's...
[meows] [creature yowling] [both gasp]
-Something's outside.
-Definitely something outside.
-Jane.
-There's something outside.
[creature yowling]
That's a yowl. A beastly yowl.
[yowling continues]
Jane:Wow! What a mystery. It's like we're in a book. Come on, Barnabys.
Barnaby A:Bad book.
Barnaby B:Scary book!
-[grunts]
[mimicking creaking] [Barnaby whimpers] [Barnaby grunts]
Shh! They're still awake.
[jazz music playing]
-Dance, dance for your papa.
-[giggling]
[creature yowling]
What kind of beast yowls like that?
[Barnabys gasp]
I'm really scared. Are you scared,
Barnabys? 'Cause I'm scared.
Maybe we shouldn't--
Jane:Do you remember that book about beasts with all the drawings of teeth and claws and huge piles of half-eaten kids?
-Don't.
-Stop talking.
Jane: It was a lot of blood, wasn't it, Barnabys?
-Blood is bad.
Jane:I'm gonna have a quick look to see if it's dangerous. If it is, run. Different directions, zigzaggy and stuff.
Barnaby B:So it can only eat one of you.
Barnaby A:What's this feeling I'm feeling?
Barnaby B:Fear. Fear.
Barnaby A:Definitely fear.
-[creature yowls]
Jane:Remember, twins, zigzaggy.
Barnabys:Zigzag. Zigzag. Zigzag.
Jane:Stand back, Barnabys.
The Cat: I know what you're thinking, 'cause I'm thinking exactly the same thing. What's in the box? And can we empty it so I can sit in it?
Jane:Hi, beast. I'm Jane. I hope you're a nice beast because, um, we're nice. Please don't eat our faces.
[gasps and screams]
[yells and pants] [groans] [grunts] [coughs and grunts]
Mother:Father, I love the smell of fresh yarn in the morning.
[Father barks]
Tim:Gah! Parents already up? Despicable!
Mother: Harvesting your mustache makes such lovely yarn.
[barks]
Father:Do it!
Mother:Mmm-hmm.
Father:Ugh. How am I gonna get by?
Mother:Keep going.
-[Tim grunts]
I knit, you provide. It's simple.
-[gasps] Was that always...
-[barks]
Oh! You want Mother to have yarn, don't you?
You must. Like the sweaters.
-[squawks]
-Oh, pretty!
[Tim grunting] [creature laughing]
There you go. Phew.
Huh?
Tim:Jane? Twins? [gasps] Great Uncle Edmund! Shh! They'll hear you. We must be quiet while Mother and Father are still--
Jane:Tim!
Tim:[yelps and groans]
Jane:Here beastie, beastie, beastie.
Tim:Jane! What are you--
Barnaby A: Over there.
Barnaby B: Catch it.
-Get it!
-Get it!
Tim:Are you harboring a raccoon again?
Pfft. No.
-[creature yowls]
Tim:That is something! Is it more of a some or more of a thing?
Barnaby A: Get it!
What is that?
[whimpers] -[screams]
-Aw!
-A baby!
Father:No thumping!
Mother:I can't knit!
-[coos]
Tim:Shh! [softly] Where did you get that thing?
Jane:We found her outside, living in a box. She's an orphan.
-Smells like an orphan.
-Looks like an orphan.
Got a box like an orphan.
Jane:Orphan friend, box all alone
Tim:Why are you singing?
Jane:-We're glad you came here--
Tim:We are getting rid of it at once.
-[Jane giggles]
Tim:Give me that!
Jane:No!
-Gimme! Gimme!
Tim:Jane! You know our parents hate children, and babies are the most childish children of all!
Jane:Well, I love her and nobody's gonna take her away from me.
Tim:Barnabys, bring it to me.
both: Yes, Tim.
Jane:Hey! Barnabys, give me back my orphan.
both: You got it, Jane.
Tim:Barnabys, thing.
[both] Sorry, Tim.
Jane: Barnabys, orphan.
both:Yes, Jane.
Tim:Ah, Barnabys.
both: You got it, Tim.
Jane:Barnabys.
both: Barnabys. Barnabys. Barnabys!
both: Barnabys! Orphan?
Barnaby A:Got away.
Barnaby B:Pretty fast.
Tim:What?
-[baby yowling]
Tim:The beast is loose!
[giggling]
[gasps]
[Mother and Father chatting indistinctly]
Tim:Oh, no, no, no!
[sighs]
-[baby coos]
Tim:Huh?
[kissing]
-[baby yowls]
[Mother and Father scream]
[yelps]
Mother: Oh! What is it?
Father:A baby.
Mother:Oh, not again.
Father:Why does this keep happening, Mother?
Tim:Parents! How are you... Oh. Parents, I got this. I got this. Stay. Do not move a baby muscle. -[baby attacks him] Get if off. Get it off. Get if off! Get it off!
Barnaby A:Ooh.
Barnaby B:Roasted baby.
Tim:No!
[baby cooing]
Father:Mother's balls are burning.
Mother:No.
Jane:Yes.
-[grunts]
Mother:Ball burner.
[screaming] -[cooing]
Jane:Barnabys, catch her.
[Tim screams]
Tim:No, no, no. Oh!
[grunts]
Jane::Gotcha, you little rascal.
-[baby whimpers]
Mother:It's not even a Willoughby.
Father:Is this thing yours?
Jane:No.
Tim:What? No, I didn't...
Father:You eat our food, sleep in our coal bin and now you expect us to rear another child?
Mother:He's always doing this.
Tim:What? No.
Father:I mean, we've tried everything.
Mother:Ignored him.
Father:Coal bin.
Mother:Neglected him.
Father:Coal bin.
Tim:It wasn't me.
Mother:Never played with him.
Father:Coal bin.
-[Mother gasping]
Father:You'd think that would work! Nope! Nothing works.
-[baby giggles]
Mother:I can't knit!
Father:Oh, Mother, sweet. [shushing]
-[purring] -[both moan]
[baby wails]
Father:Children.
Mother:I wish we could kick them all out.
[Suddenly, they have an idea.]
Father:I've decided to kick you all out!
Mother:Do it, Father.
Tim:But my home!
Father:Do not return till that thing is gone. You are...
Mother:-Do it. Do it.
Father:-...punished!
Mother:Yes!
Tim:[wails] This is all your fault!
Jane:What? It's their fault. We should kick them out.
Tim:How will we restore honor to House Willoughby if we are not living in the Willoughby house?
Jane:-Ugh. But--
Tim:We have to get rid of it, fast.
Jane: No, Tim!
Tim:Oh, the ordeal is over. Let us return to our home. -What? What? How!
Jane:Tim, she needs a home, and if we don't help her, we're as bad as our parents, who keep sullying our great Willoughby name.
Tim:They have sullied it so much. [yelps]
Jane:I know where we can find the perfect home. Follow me.
Barnaby A:Whoo-hoo!
Barnaby B: Hello, outside! [They follow after Jane]
Tim:Outside? But... [whimpering] I've never...
The Cat:I guess it's hard to leave home for the first time. Although, I was six days old when I left. All my folks ever did for me was lick my eyeballs open, sent me packin'. He'll be alright. Maybe.
Tim:Jane! Where are we going?
Jane:To the end of the rainbow.
Tim: End of the rainbow? How far is that?
Jane:Not far. Right, orphan friend?
[coos]
["Johny Says Stay Cool" playing]
[Tim yelping]
Barnabys: Ooh!
Tim: Barnabys!
Jane:Excuse me. Coming through. Yep, sorry.
Tim: Excuse me, excuse me. Jane, the people! The people!
Jane:This way.
-[horn honking]
Tim:[yelps] Wait for me!
Jane: Yes! Over here.
-[baby squeals]
Tim: Jane! I got pee in my shoes. Are we getting close? [sighs]
Jane: We're almost there.
Tim:This looks like the bad part of town.
-[plays guitar] -[yelps]
Man:Self-taught.
-[all gasping]
Jane:Look at that. Isn't it wonderful? The perfect home.
The Cat:Usually in old-fashioned stories, rainbows have treasure at the end, don't they? Not this one.
Tim:"No trespassing"? Well, that's a bust.
Jane:Look! Duckies!
Tim:Jane.
Barnaby:Factory!
Tim:Barnabys! No!
Jane:Hi, duckies! They're so chubby!
[quacking]
Tim: Barnabys! Jane! [Barnabys and Jane giggling] Willoughbys do not trespass!
Jane:The perfect home. Yay!
-[Barnabys giggling]
[both gasp]
Barnaby A: It's a candy factory!
Barnaby B: So many machines.
Barnaby A: So many buttons.
Both:Levers. Buttons Levers. Buttons. Levers. Buttons.
[baby cooing]
Jane:[Singing] Under the rainbow, I will spin The perfect home for my best friend -[both gasp] Wow! Rainbow food? This place has everything. Hey!
Tim:Orphan has a home. We go home.
Jane:We can't just leave her outside. It's not safe. What if there are... wolves?
Tim:Wolves? Here. You found her in a box? We leave her in a box.
Jane:Wolves do hate boxes.
Tim:Balance restored.
[baby whining]
Jane:Um, uh... Tim, wait! What if we give her a name? A proper three-syllable name, like, uh... oh, Taffeta! T-A-F-F-E-- Hey!
Tim:Her name is Ruth.
Jane:Ruth?
Tim:Yes. Because re-orphaning her makes us the ruthless Willoughbys. Now be ruthless and say goodbye.
Jane:Okay. [sighs] Oh, Ruth. I'll always know where to find you. At the end of the rainbow.
-[Ruth babbles]
Tim:To home!
-[doorbell rings]
Tim:Jane!
Commander Melanoff:[angrily] Who disturbs my work?
Tim:[exclaims] We're trespassing!
Melanoff: [opens the door] Who-- [sees the box] What is in my box? [finds Ruth, having a name on a note] Ruth? You're not candy.
[man screams] -[thudding] -[objects clattering]
Tim:Such a magnificent mustache. This is the perfect home.
Jane:I really hope we're doing the right thing.
Tim:Of course we are, Jane. A great man with a great home must have a great family. Just imagine what that lucky orphan's life will be like.
Jane:Ugh. I wish we had a home like Ruth, where we didn't have to steal food and nobody would say, "Shut up, Jane!"
Tim:Oh, we would eat at a table like the great Willoughbys of old. Our mustaches would grow long, and no one would ever have to go to the coal bin again... unless they wanted coal.
Barnaby A:I want a factory.
Barnaby B:Big factory.
Jane:Wait. We could have all of that. -Except for the factory.
[Barnabys groan]
Tim:How?
Jane:What if we became orphans?
Tim:[scoffs] That is your iffiest what-if yet. We have parents.
Barnaby A:Bad parents.
Barnaby B:Terrible parents.
Jane:But what if we didn't? It's like in the books. Pollyanna's died of cholera in India. James, the peach fellow's parents were eaten by a hippo.
Tim:I thought it was a rhinoceros.
Jane: Think about how great our family could be if they were gone.
Tim: Jane, are you seriously suggesting--
Jane: We orphan ourselves. Yes!
Tim: Ghastly!
Jane: Ruthless. [cackles]
Tim: No! Getting rid of an orphan is one thing. How do you propose we discard of two insidious grown-ups?
Jane: Easy.
[growls]
Tim:No!
Jane:No. Not there. There.
Tim:[screams] No!
Jane:No. There.
Tim:Wha...
-[Tim panting] -[horns honking] [tires screeching]
Owner:...$999, and all your troubles will be gone for good. You'll love it.
Tim:Gone for good? A folded piece of shiny paper? We can send them away. What if we orphaned ourselves.
Jane:Yeah. Cracking idea, Tim.
Tim:To home!
[Tim takes the brochure and Jane and the twins follow after him back home.]
The Cat: I love this plan. Okay, humans, calm down. Don't get all sensitive. "Ooh! This is bad." It's nature. It'll work out. Look, these kids needed a change. Y'know? I did warn you this story wasn't all fluffy and fuzzy. Oh, blimey, those are sharp scissors. Watch the eyes!
Tim:We shall craft a murderous adventure that gives our insidious parents exactly what they want.
Jane:[as she holds her cat] To be left alone with their love.
Tim:Precisely. A romantic getaway, hiding deadly orphaning opportunities.[some segments where the parents are getting killed by random stuff] If they do not melt in the hottest places on Earth..they shall drown in the wettest. Cannibals will feast unless they freeze in glacial ice, or dissolve in fields of acid first. They shall not escape the bears, but if they do, we have saved the deadliest spot for last... the Unclimbable Alp... -in Sveetzerlünd.
-[gasps]
A;l: He who goes up does not come down.
Tim:The Reprehensible Travel Agency. No children allowed. Behold!
Jane:Wow.
[mimicking cranking]
[Tim grunts]
[sensual music playing]
Mother:Mmm.
Father:Ah. Exquisite. What?
Mother:-Hmm?
[both screaming]
Mother:Father.
Father:Yes, poopsie.
Mother:What is it? What does it say, Fatherkins?
Father:-"See the world".
Mother:-See the world?
Father:"Have adventures".
Mother:[sing-song] I'd love to have an adventure!
Father:You know what else, Mother?
Mother:What, Father?
Father:No children allowed! [chuckles]
Mother:I would love that. [giggles]
Father:Do the hula, my love. [purring] You make me spin whirlybird style.
Mother:No. Stop. Wait. If we leave these children here alone, they'll ruin everything. Oh.
Father:What if we didn't leave them here alone? Huh? We could get them a nanny.
Mother:But aren't good nannies expensive?
Father:Yes, Mother. So we'll hire a not-good nanny for cheap.
[both laughing]
Cat: To adventure. Are they gullible or what? I mean, I never thought they'd fall for it. Did you?
Father:Oh, you are my muse, flipsy-poop. Mmm.
Driver:[sighs] Now that's gonna be a fun ride.
Mother:Go on, pick me up.- Put me in sideways.
Father: Mother's been friends with her fork.
The Cat: Well, that was easy.
Father [laughing]: To adventure!
Mother: Ooh!
The Cat: Everyone got what they wanted.
Mother:To adventure!
-[horns honking]
The Cat: All good. Told you this would work out.
Jane:They're gone? We did it.
Barneby A-We...
Barneby B:-Are...
both: Orphans!
-[exclaims]
[both] Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Jane:[sing-song] Orphan home. Orphan home.
[laughing] [Jane and Barnabys cheering] [muffled grunting] [all inhale and exhale deeply] [all laughing] [panting]
Tim:Hmm...You are punished! [chuckles] [grunts] Great Edmund, enjoy thy wall.
[voice echoing] Willoughby...
[chuckles]
Edmund:Timothy,you are the man of the house! With great responsibility comes great mustache.
[screams]
overlapping voices:Tim, Tim, Tim... Tim, Tim, Tim.
Jane:Tim.
-[yells] -[panting]
Jane:Tim! TIIMM!!
Tim:[yells] Is it morning?
Jane:We're hungry.
-Barnaby A:Haven't eaten in hours.
Barnaby B-Days. Starving.
Barnaby A:What's food?
Tim:I hear your childish needs, and as man of the house, I will provide.
The Cat:See? Told you this would all work out.
Tim: Let the greatness begin.
The Cat:Oh, Tim.
[Tim thuds and groans]
Tim:Warm thy Willoughby self.
[both whimpering]
Tim:Simply divine.
[clattering]
Tim:[mimicking Edmund] Dinner is served! A proper meal for a proper family. Delicious lobster on a bed of coal! Ta-da!
Jane:Tim, is that from the wall?
Barnaby A:Old lobster.
Barnaby B:Really old.
Tim:[mimicking Edmund] Old food is the best food.
Jane:I'm going.
Tim:What? You're skipping the cheese plate? Charcuterie mouse!
Barnaby A:This is getting weird.
Barnaby B:I pass.
The Cat: I'll eat it.
Tim:What? Hey! Where the Willoughby are you going?
Jane:Out. Ruth has rainbow food at her place and--
Tim:We did not orphan ourselves so you could go toodle-doodling, eating fancy rainbow food with your friends.
Jane:I am an orphan and I do what I want.
Tim:No, you can't
Jane:I can.
Tim:You shan't.
Jane:I shan!
Tim:No, you--
Linda the Nanny:Hello!
Barnaby A:Stranger.
Barnaby B:Danger.
Tim:[muffled] Trespasser!
Linda:Fear not, skinny orange boy, for I am your nanny!
Tim:[muffled] No, I'm in charge!
Jane: I've read about nannies. What kind of nanny are you? Did you fly in on the east wind or the west?
Linda:West.
Jane:Where's your umbrella?
Linda:Here.
Jane:Do you eat children?
Linda:Sometimes.
Jane:Why are you here?
Linda:I was hired by your loving parents.
-[Barnabys gasp]
Jane:Loving?
Tim:[muffled] Parents?
Linda:I've got no qualifications, but a cheery disposition. Here yo service all your childish needs. I cook, clean...
[sing-song] sing!
Jane:What? You sing?
Linda: Yeah! All nannies sing.
Jane:I sing, too.
Linda:[gasps] What if we sing together?
Jane:Yeah!
Linda:Everybody, come on!
[both continue vocalizing]
Tim:Never trust a nanny.
[Nanny and Jane vocalizing]
Linda:[gasps] This is amazing.
Tim:Insidious!
Jane: Yay! I love it!
Barnaby A:What is she doing to Jane's head?
Barnaby B:Now it's pointy.
-Barnaby A:And she looks younger.
Barnaby B:Devil woman.
[both vocalizing]
Tim:We have to get rid of her.
Barnabys: Rid of her?
Tim:Fast.
Barnabys: Ooh.
Tim:Nanny is working for our parents, and now she's brainwashed Jane. She has to go. But how? Perhaps another
brochure.
Barnaby A:-How about this, Tim?
Barneby B:It'll work.
Tim:What in the Willoughby is that?
Barnaby: It's a nannapult, Tim.
Tim: Nannapult?
Barnaby B:Nanny goes here, in the nanny-cup.
both: Lever.
[people screaming in the distance]
Barnaby A:Nanny gone.
Barnaby B:Problem solved.
Tim:Whoa! This is... a terrible idea. First off, too many levers. Do you honestly think she's just gonna walk right in here and plop herself down in your nanny-cup?
-[Nanny laughs]
-[yelps]
Jane:This is the library. The twins mostly do stuff here.
[gasps] Wow.
Linda:Did you little mushroom heads make this? [gasps] A bouncy chair?
Jane:Whoa, it looks like a nanny-cup.
Linda:-Bouncy... [giggles] You guys are like little baby Albert Einsteins but with weirder hair. What are your names?
Tim:[whispers] Lever.
Barnaby A:That's Barnaby.
Barnaby B:And that's Barnaby.
Linda:Both of you? Okay.
Tim:[whispers] Pull it. Do it! Lever!
Linda:What if I call you Barnaby A and you're Barnaby B?
Jane:I can tell them apart now.
Barneby B:I like B.
Barnaby A:I like A.
Tim:I love all the levers! Or is it leaver?
Tim:No, no, no.
Barnaby A:Lever.
Barnaby B:No, leaver.
Linda:Can I pull it? [Tim screaming] Whoa! Fun. Ooh, what's this one do? -Nothing, huh? Who's hungry?
All: Yay!
Tim: [muttering] Stupid nannapult. Not great. Oh, look at them over there, chewing food in their mouths, -eating it up. Ugh!
Linda::Skinny Bones? [Tim yelps then hisses and runs off] What's his deal?
Barnaby A:Jealous.
Barnaby B:Definitely jealous.
Jane:Yeah. It's a classic power struggle.
Linda: Hmm.
Tim:{grumbling] Traitorous Willoughbys. More like Will-not-be's. [mocking] Will not eat Tim's food.
Linda:Hey, Tim. I know you miss your old-fashioned parents. Change is hard. I've been there. I think maybe you just need to eat.
Tim:What? No, no, no.
Nanny:Come on. Here we go.. Put some oats on those skinny bones.
Jane:Tim, you have to try this. It's so good. Way better than that wall lobster.
Tim:[exclaims] Willoughbys do not eat oats.
Linda:I know you can do this, Skinny Bones. Now eat.
Tim:No, thank you.
Linda:Eat.
Tim:Nope.
Linda:Eat.
Tim:No.
Linda:Stop it.
Tim:You stop it
Linda: Let go.
Tim:You let go.
Linda:Eat.
Tim:No! [gasps]
Linda:You disrespect my oats, you disrespect me. [Tim whimpers] I have no choice but to put you in...
[Jane and the Barnebys gasp]
Linda:The coal bin? I was gonna say time-out. You know, I have no choice but to put you in a time-out. Why in the world would your parents ever put you in a coal bin?
Tim:Having childish needs.
Barnaby A:Like food.
Barneby B:Sweaters.
Barnaby A:Love.
Jane:Oh, taking in an orphan.
Linda:Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took in an orphan?
Jane:Yeah, we did. [sighs] But she was a baby, and babies are the most childish children, so...
Tim: We got rid of her.
Linda:What? Back up the abuse caboose. Where'd you get rid of a baby?
Jane:The perfect home.
Linda:Oh, this is the worst home ever. Poor little orphan.
Tim:We should not be trespassing. Disturbing this great man's work.
Linda:[scoffs] What great man?
-[doorbell rings]
Meleaoff: Who disturbs my work? [Linda screams]
Linda:Wait a minute. Commander Melanoff is real?
Melanoff: Um, yes.
Linda:[chuckles] Wow. That is a... That's a strong fashion choice. Do you dress like that every day, sir?
Melanoff:I, uh...
Linda:Are those medals candy?
Melanoff: Uh, maybe.
Jane:Can Ruth come out?
Melanoff: No! Go away!
Linda:Hey! Hey! Where's the orphan, candy man?
[Linda opens the door. It causes Melanoff to drop the squealing baby who runs off.]
Linda: Baby!
Jane:Ruth!
Barnabys: Factory! [Tim yells]
Menaloff:[grunts] Oh, diddly-do.
Tim:May I touch your mustache?
Melanoff: What? [Ruth crying] Uh-oh.
Linda: Baby?
Jane: Ruth!
Linda: Where is she? This is bad. We have to get her before she has a sugar crash.
Meanoff: Oh, no, no, no. Not again! You trespassers! Stay!
Tim:Yes, great one.
Linda: Oh, baby. No, no, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
Melanoff: Nuts and nougat, nuts and nougat. Oh, diddly-doodle. Ah! Not the candy crusher. [gasps] Ruthie!
[all gasping] [coos and giggles]
Jane:Gotcha! [grunts]
Jane:Ooh, that was exciting.
Tim:Okay, but we're supposed to be staying.
Jane [squeals and laughs]: Ruth!
Melanoff: You! Big-haired lady. [grunts] Give me back my baby!
Linda:Your baby? I don't think so, sugar daddy. A nanny knows things, and this nanny knows these messed-up Willoughbys left a baby on your doorstep.
Melanoff: Wait, are you the angels who brought her to me?
Jane: Uh...
Tim:Maybe.
Linda: I wouldn't call them angels, exactly.
Melanoff: Oh, my.
Linda:What are you feeding her?
Melanoff on TV:Candy! I'm Commander Melanoff, and I live in the land of fun!
Jane:Whoa.
Tim:A moving painting?
Barnaby:How did they get the tiny people in the box?
Melanoff:Ruthie likes it, don't ya? You like those toasty oats.
Linda:All kids love oats. [Melanoff exclaiming on TV] So, you're like the real Commander Melanoff? You're famous?
Melanoff:Well, maybe. [laughs] I do like every tasty treat myself.
Linda:Do you live here alone, or...
Melanoff:Yes. Well, I did. Ruth moved in and she needs a lot of attention.
Linda:'Course she does, don't you, baby girl?
Melanoff:How could something so tiny make so much poop? I haven't slept in nine days.
Linda:-Oh, that explains a lot.
Melanoff: I called Orphan Services for help, but--
Linda:Orphan Services? No, you shouldn't have called them!
Melanoff: Well, I mean "Find an orphan you don't know, call--"
Linda:Oh, oh.
Melanoff: Oh, oh.
Linda:No. Giving a baby to them is like locking a puppy up in a cage.
Melanoff: Oh, my! I love puppies. It's a good thing I hung up, then.
Linda:Oh, you did?
Melanoff: You see, I've grown fond of her childish needs. I want her to stay.
Linda: Okay, but..This factory isn't baby proofed. She can't just eat candy for the rest of her life. I mean, the next thing you know, she's going off to college, she could...She could be a doctor. Maybe she'll write the next Moby Dick, or paint the next Mona Lisa. Fly an airplane to the moon. I mean, she could be the next president. You know? And then you're gonna have to go to the White House and maybe not wear a candy suit, you know? It's a lot.
Melanoff: That sounds sweet. It's time for this candy man to become a family man, who also makes candy.
Linda:Well, if you ever need help, you know who to call.
Tim:Oh, the service for orphans.
Linda:What? No, Skinny Bones! [scoffs] You could call me. You know, I'm a nanny.
Melanoff: I will.
Linda:Just put your number in there.
Melanoff: If you ever need a candy factory, or-- Ooh! [laughing]
Jane:Yay! The perfect home.
Melanoff:[laughing] Oh, you Willoughbys are wonderful. Here, son, catch!
Barnaby A:Is this a hug?
Barnaby B: I don't know. But I like it.
[Linda takes some pictures of the children and Melonoff. Then she takes a picture of Tim holding the candy bar.]
The Cat: Aww. Unfortunately, these Willoughby kids would soon get some terrible news that their parents were still alive. They say that love conquers all. It does for these two. How many lives have these cats got?
Mother:Oh, Father, I do so love adventuring with you. Bug.
Father:Unfortunately, Mother, our adventuring is soon to be over. We are broke.
Mother:[gasps] Does that mean we'll have to...
Father:Ugh. Go home. I'm afraid so.
Mother:You mean, back to that old-fashioned home?
Father:Yes.
Mother:Oh! If only there was a way that we could reach across time and space and just sell it.
Guide:[clear throat] Uh, you could always use the Internet. [both scream]
Mother:Ina--
Father:Nets?
Guide:Uh, see here. Old-fashioned homes go for a lot these days. [chuckles]
-[Father laughs] -[yelps]
Father:Oh, my.
-[Mother giggles]
Guide:Piranhas!
Father:What in blue blazers is this thing?
Mother:So many pictures.
Father:Ooh. I get it.
[woman over phone] Irene Holmes.
Father:Hello, we'd like to sell our old house.
Mother:Quickly. Tell her quickly.
Father:Immediately.
Jane: [singing] Riding a bus Taking us home Under my seat, I found some gum Look at the world, zipping by quick Chewing this gum is making me sick
-[Nanny laughing] -[Jane humming]
Jane: Eating old gum Is a bad way to go
Tim:That was a great day out.
Linda:I'm glad you had fun, Tim. [cell phone chimes] Must be the Commander texting already.
[Father over phone]: Nanny...
Tim:What? Father?
Father: As you wish.
Tim:"Slide to unlock." Okay, yeah. [grunting] Why is it not work-- [yelps] Yes!
Father:[on phone] Nanny! We're selling the house.
Tim:Huh? She's working for our still-alive parents!
Jane:Tim, you're acting weird.
Tim:Oh, am I?
Father:[on phone] We're selling the house. Dispose of the children as you wish.
Mother:[on phone] Do it, Father.
Jane:[gasps] No.
Tim:Oh, yeah. And here's what that Nanny wrote back. "As for the children [menacingly] I will take care of them."
[both gasp]
Tim:Do you wanna be taken care of?
Jane:I do not.
[vehicle approaches]
Tim:Oh, no.
Irene:[sing-song] Money!
[chuckles]
Tim:Another trespasser!
Irene:Money! -Hello! [laughs]
[Tim yelps]
Irene:Open house tomorrow. I'm gonna sell your home. [laughing] Money!
Tim:Oh, no, you won't.
The Cat:Who could sleep on a night like this? Well, I could, actually. I'm a great sleeper. But these Willoughby kids can't.
[Nanny snoring]
Tim:[whispers] Go, go, go.
-[line dialing]
agent :[over phone] Orphan Services.
Tim:Oh, uh... Hello, I'm an orphan in need of service. I'd like to report a bad nanny.
Cat:Oh-oh.
-[indistinct chatter]
Irene:Ding-dong! The house is open! Buy it. Buy it. Buy it. Buy it.
The Cat:Like mice nibbling at the edge of a trap, these hopeful people were about to get caught in the war of the Willoughbys.
Barneby:Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.
[indistinct chatter] [screams] ["Crewcut" playing]
[all] Hey.
Tim:Yes!
-[woman] Help!
[screaming]
woman: Worst open house!
Irene:Darn it!
[Jane cheering]
Tim:Well done, Willoughbys. Today, we saved our home!
The Cat:While the Willoughbys defended their home bravely...
Irene:Whoa. Where you going? [laughs]
The Cat...they were no match for this.
Irene::Welcome. Right this way.
man:Would you look at that house?
[woman gasps]
The Cat:The perfect family.
Caitliyne:It's what we've always dreamed of.
Man:Looks like home, sweetie!
[giggling]
Tim:Insidious. Go.
-[Jane gasps]
Caitliyne:There's space for my roses.
Boy:Big sister, I love you so much.
Girl:No, I love you so much, little brother.
[parents] We love you, too, kids.
[kids] Yay! Whoo!
Caitliyne:[sing-song] I feel a tingle of domestic joy!
-[all chuckling]
man:This house is wonderful! [chuckles]
Caitliyne:We can put all the family photos right there.
Man:We could be so happy here.
[all] Whoa!
[man] We are definitely buying this house.
Tim:We be great.
Jane:But they be perfect.
Tim:Come on.It's like the Willoughby massacre 1775-- [yelps]
[ominous voice] Trespassers!
[voice cackling] [family screams]
girl: It's haunted!
[man shrieking]
man:I love you!
[family crying] [voice growling] [Tim whimpers]
Jane:Something scared the perfect family?
Tim:Beastly.
Barnaby:Definitely a monster.
Jane: We'll just take a look.
Tim:Jane! No, no, no. Shh.
[Barnaby whimpers]
Barneby B:What happened to our library?
[groaning]
Barnaby A: I'm scared.
Barnaby B:Definitely scared.
Tim:What the Willoughby?
[gasp] [beast laughing maniacally]
Linda:[In beastly voice]I am the Willoughby beast. Enter my home and I shall feast!
[Tim yelps]
Jane:Eat one of the Barnabys.
Barnabys:Zigzag. Zigzag. Zigzag.
Linda:Leave this place and you be free, unless thou be a Willoughby!
both:Zigzag. Zigzag.
Barneby A:It's not working. [whimpering]
Tim:[yells] I be a Willoughby.
Linda: Is that so? Then I guess we're cool... [normal voice] Skinny Bones.
Tim:Nanny?
Linda:Here to serve the little children.
-[Barnabys laughing]
Jane:Yay! I knew you were good.
Barneby:Rubbery arms!
Tim:But I locked you up in your room.
Linda:Oh, come on, Tim. All nannies know how to pick a lock.
[both] Ooh.
Linda:I was building this all night 'cause I really wanted to help.
Tim:Help who? Our parents? We can't trust her. Remember this, Nanny? "As for the children, [menacingly] I will take care of them."
Linda:Why are you being all evil? Hear it in my voice, okay? As for the children, let me take care of them.
Barnabys:Oh.
Jane:When you say it like that, I do wanna be taken care of.
Linda:Tim, I might work for your parents, but my duty is to look after you guys. I should have told you they were selling the house. I'm sorry. But I just couldn't bear to break your weird little hearts.
Jane:Oh, thank you, Nanny. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Linda:Any time, tiny girlfriend.
Barnaby A:Wanna hug Nanny.
Barnaby B:Huggy.
Linda:Get in here, you little mushroom heads.
Barnaby:Hug us will all six arms.
[Tim sighs]
Linda:Tim, are you okay?
Tim:Thank you.
Linda:Aww, Skinny Bones. Huh?
[Linda and the children look outside the window and saw that car away pulled over the street.]
Jane:What?
[woman orphan radio] Department of Orphan Services is on site. Unit 4. Cut off the exits.
Linda:Orphan Services!? We have to go. Now!
woman:No children in or out.
Linda:Hurry, kids. Stick with me. Come on.
Tim:Where are we going?
Linda:Back door. No, follow me. Come on, you two.
Jane:Nanny, what's happening?
[all yelp]
Linda:It's okay. Stay together. Come on. Come on. Don't panic. [gasps]
[Tim gasps]
Head Agent:We have a reason to believe a bad nanny is harboring orphans.
Linda:Orphans?
Tim:As a Willoughby, I demand you leave our home.
Head Agent:You're the orphan.
Tim:Yes.
Linda: No, no, no. They have parents. You leave them alone.
Head Agent:Linda? Is that you?
Linda:Uh, yeah.
Jane:Linda?
Linda:But I'm a nanny now.
Head Agent:Are you wearing toilet paper again?
Linda:Yes, I am, but it--
Head Agent:Oh, you look ridiculous.
Linda:It's a costume. I was...
Head Agent:Once an orphan, always an orphan.
Linda:Uh...
Jane: [confused] Nanny? You're an orphan?
Linda:No, I mean, I was. I mean... I... [sighs] I am.
Head Agent:We tried to find her a home, but no one ever wanted her.
Jane:That's not true. We want her.
Linda:See? They want me.
Head Agent:Oh, Linda.
[Tim on recording]: I'd like to report a bad nanny. We do not want her.
Linda:Tim?
Jane:That's you? Your voice?
Barneby A:Tim...
Barnaby B:How could you?
Tim:No, no--
Head Agent:Oh, children can be so, so cruel.
Tim:I didn't mean--
Jane:You did.
Linda:I was just trying to be a good nanny.
Jane:But you are--
Head Agent:No longer required.
-[Nanny starts crying]
Jane:No, you are required.
Head Agent:Go, Linda, before these children hurt you more.
Jane:Nanny, don't. Please!
Tim:Jane...
Jane:[angrily] You did this.
Tim:I didn't mean--
Jane:You lied about Nanny. You made me get rid of Ruth.
Tim:That was our parents.
Jane:Always bossing me around.
Tim:Jane--
Jane:You're a mean, mustacheless, short-panted-Ah! No!
Head Agent:Fighting children must be separated.
Tim:You can't.
Head Agent:For your own good.
Tim: [yells] No!
Head Agent You will adopt standard childhood experiences. Homes will be allocated. Schools will be assigned. Until your biological parents return, you are officially orphans.
Tim:No...
Head Agent Have a nice childhood.
Jane:Stop! I don't want to go! Help! I don't wanna go! Let me out! Let me out!
Barnaby A: Tim?
Barnaby B:Jane?
Tim: Please. You can't do this.
[Woman over radio] All children collected and protected.
Tim:No.
Woman:Good work, team.
The Cat:These poor kids. Alone, scattered, lost. Like me, really. The Barnabys were cared for in a modern home, plugged into the Internet, their little brains flooded with... Well, you've been on the Internet. Jane's hosts believed in the healing power of music.
Woman:You okay, kiddo?
The Cat:But Jane's song was gone. Her what-ifs no more. Tim resisted change, running away from well-meaning families like the Wilsons, the Walters, the Waddingtons. He wanted his old-fashioned Willoughby life back.
Tim:Sold? [gasps] No, no, no, no!
The Cat:But it was gone. No home. No family. Someone's gotta look after him.
[woman over radio] This is unit three. We have him.
The Cat:It's tough out there, in the city. Sometimes, you're the cat. Sometimes, you're the mouse. At least he's got a box. Okay, it's a bit dark, but, uh, y'know. Poor Nanny tucked her tail and ran away from her past. Y'know, never look back. 'Course, it's nobody's fault, really. Fine. I'll stop the bus.
[tires screech]
The Cat:Happy now?
Linda:Let me off. Let me off! [grunts] What the Willoughby?
[meows]
The Cat:This is good, right? Exciting.
[cell door opens]
Linda:[In deep voice] Oat time.
Tim:Hmph. Not hungry. [grunts]
Linda:[deep voice] Oh, I think you are, Skinny Bones.
Tim:Huh? What--
Linda:Hungry for freedom.
Tim:Nanny?
Linda:Call me Phil [in deep voice] Get in the oat cart. I'm busting you out.
Tim:[sighs] I do not deserve this busting you speak of. Leave me, Phil, to my short-painted guilt.
Linda:Oh, pity party, huh? Guess I didn't get my invitation. Sure, you screwed up. [sighs] I screwed up, too. I left you kids there alone. I ran away. But I came back, and I'm not leaving here without a Willoughby.
Tim:I'm just a Will-not-be. All I wanted to be a great Willoughby with a great family.
[Linda grunts as she hits the pillow on Tim.]
Tim:-Hey!
Linda:Are you saying Jane's not great?
Tim:No!
Linda:Barnaby A's not great?
Tim:No.
Linda:Barnaby B's not great?
Tim:Ow!
Linda:You're not great?
Tim:Okay, okay, I get it! Stop!
Linda:[sighs] Look, Skinny Bones, you have a family. They need you and you need them.
[exclaims]
Tim:My head protector.
Linda:[in deep voice] Let's blow this pop stand and do something great, bro-bro.
Tim:Let us get blowing, brother-brother. [whimpers] I admire your ruthlessness, but this is crazy.
Linda:Shh. Almost there. [exclaims] I mean, uh, uh... [in deep voice] Just taking the oats for a walk. Oats love walking. Come on, oats.
Head Agent:Is there an orphan in that cart? Phil?
Linda:Oh, boy, orphan in an oat cart? I've never heard of such a thing. That's preposterous. Uh, don't touch that.
Don't look in there. [groans] Oh, my! My back!
Head Agent:How dare you! You think oats grows in fields, Phil? [scoffs] Do you know how long we have to soak these oats so they're soft enough we won't choke a child?
Phil: Code Blue! She's not a real Phil!
Head Agent:-[gasps] It's Linda!
-[yelps]
Phil:Stop right there, fake Phil.
Tim:Nanny!
Linda:Tim?
Head Agent:She's stealing an orphan.
Linda:He's not an orphan.
Tim:And she's not a Linda.
Phil:I'm Phil.
Both:Phil this!
Linda:Gotcha.
Head Agent:She's getting away. Stop that Linda!
-[yelps]
[engine starts]
Linda:I knew Phil had a sweet car!
[tires screech] [buzzer sounds] [cheering]
Tim:[yelps] Nanny, the gate!
Linda:Gate, schmate. Phil ain't no sheep. -[bleating]
-[screams]
[radio host] We have stories of people in very different contexts...
Head Agent:You know, it is nice to see Linda taking initiative.
[agent] Hmm.
newscaster:Tonight, a skinny-boned boy escapes a juvenile detention center. The hunt for his--
Barnaby A:[gasps]
Barnaby B:Tim was in a box.
Tim:Barnabys. I need your help.
Barnaby A:Okay, Tim.
Barnaby B:Sure, Tim.
Linda:Let's go!
Jane:Nope.
Tim: No? What do you mean, no? We have to hurry.
Hippie:No need to hurry. We got the drums, baby. We got the drums.
Tim:Jane, please. We're not the Willoughbys without your what-ifs. What if... I say I am sorry?
Jane:What if you did?
Tim:What if you accept my apology?
Jane:What if you stop telling me what to do?
Tim:What if you stop getting me into trouble and stuck in a coal bin while you get to play with orphans and eat meatloaf?
Jane: I accept your apology.
Tim:What? [groans]
Jane:Yay! [singing] Tim says he's sorry Cause he was wrong About all the things I'll list--
-[knocking on door]
-[Linda gasps]
[agent] DOS. Open the door.
Linda:We gotta go.
Woman:Can I help ya?
Agent:We're looking for missing children.
Woman:Oh, they've been found, mister. Bye!
Linda:[gasps] As long as they think you guys are orphans, they will never give up.
Tim:[sighs] There's only one way out of this. You're not going to like it, but what if we get our parents back?
Linda:What?
All:Parents? [yelling]
Jane:Nanny, hands on the wheel, please.
Linda:Sorry. Sorry. But you guys have bad parents.
Tim:Yes, I know they're despicable, but they're the only ones we've got. Look, the Orphan Service lady said that if our biological parents return, we can stay together. We have to get them back.
Jane:Well, we do know where they're heading. Sveetzerlünd.
Barnaby A:He who goes up...
Barnaby B:Does not come down.
Man:Careful. [yelps]
Father:Huzzah!
[laughing]
Father:Aren't these pointy hats splendid, snugglebug?
Mother:Those pitons add such brawn to you manly feet.
[purring]
both: To adventure!
[Mother trilling] [Father laughing]
The Cat: How could such clever kids come from these two? I mean, this is Darwinism at work, isn't it? Ugh. Do we really have to save them?
[Meanwhile, the Barnaby twins ring the doorbell as Melanoff opened the door.]
Melanoff:[yawns] Willoughbys?
-[Ruth coos]
Barnaby B:I love your factory. I need your factory. Give me your factory.
Barnaby A:Tonight.
Linda:Hiya, Mel.
Tim:We have to build something to get us to Sveetzerlünd.
Melanoff:Okay.
Barnaby B:Plan A.
Barnaby A:Plan B. Do it.
[all cheering]
["Get Up (If You Wanna Get Down)" playing]
[Barnabys laughing] Whoo-hoo! Yay!
Jane: That's what I call a dirigible.
Tim:Nice work, Barnabys.
Barnaby A:Good dirigible.
Barnaby B:Delicious dirigible.
Linda:To Sveetzerlünd. [yelps, giggles] Easy, Ruthie. All right, you kids go pee. I'll be right back with the oats.
Melanoff:Yes. Oats.
Linda:Whoo!
Melanoff:Look at this. Ruthie wants to help. [laughs]
Tim:It's almost like...
Jane:They're a family.
[automated voice] Starting route to Sveetzerlünd.
Menaloff:Ah, Sveetzerlünd. You're gonna love it there, Ruthie. The land of chocolate, cheese and knives. -[Nanny yelps] -Whoa!
Linda:What? Tim!
Jane:Do you think Nanny will be mad we snuck out and ran off with the dirigible stole her phone?
[Barnabys] And her purse.
Tim:She is definitely mad. But we orphaned ourselves. We will unorphan ourselves.
Barnaby: I'm alive! I'm finally alive!
Jane:Check it out.
Tim:Whoa.
The Cat: As these Willoughbys flew east towards the sunrise, I'm just along for the ride, in this cone. I told you this story would be exciting. Will they reach their parents in time? Dunno. I'm in a cone!
[man yodeling]
Father:A-ha. Unclimbable Alp, they say. Doesn't compare to the sounds of love we've climbed, sweet Mother.
Mother:Oh, Father, take me to the tippy top.
[honking horn]
Man:What are you doing, you idiots? [yelling indistinctly]
Father:Mother, Mother, Mother, Mother. [echoing] Mother, dear!
[laughing]
Father:Oh, look, snow.
Mother:-Ooh.
Tim:Fill her up, buddy.
Barnaby A Sugar in the drain pipe.
Barnaby B:Sugar in the gas tank.
Jane:Good morning, we're going to stop our parents from killing themselves. Bye!
[The Cat meows]
[engine starts]
Man:Yeah! Nice!
Mother:Keep up, honey, keep up! So much better than walking.
-[barks]
[yawns]
Barnabys:[snoring] Barnaby, Barnaby, Barnaby...
Father:[exclaims] I don't believe I can... [teeth chattering] feel my nose.
Mother:[teeth chattering] No. [shivering] We're out of yarn. I can't....knit.
Father:Oh, Mother, sweets.
Mother:Father, we've made a horrible mistake.
[teeth chattering]
Mother:[gasps] We must go back home.
Father:[gasps loudly] Oh, Mother, you are my home.
[kissing]
[automated voice] You have arrived at your destination.
Tim:There it is.
[all] Whoa.
Tim:They could be anywhere up--
Jane:There. Look.
Tim: I suspect our parents had something to do with that.
Jane:They do make a mess of things.
Barnaby A:Something outside.
Barnaby B:Definitely something outside.
Barnaby A:Looky, looky. Willoughby red. Human fibers. Silky smooth. Father's tardigrades.
Creature:I can't knit.
Barnaby B:Mother's yarn!
[whooping]
Jane:Yes!
Tim:We got 'em now.
Barnaby B: Follow that yarn!
Tim:Hang on, Willoughbys! I can't see a thing. No visibility.
Jane:Ice to see you.
Tim:[laughs] Great pun, Jane. Oh, no! We're losing power! [grunts] Barnabys, what's going on?
Barnaby B:We need more rainbow.
Barnaby A:Keep driving.
[mimicking cranking]
Tim:Faster, guys!
[both] Rainbow. Rainbow. Rainbow. Rainbow.
Tim:A-ha! Punch it.
Barnabys:Rainbow. Rainbow. Rainbow!
[all screaming] [meows]
Tim:Whoo!
Jane:Unclimbable, but not unflyable.
Barnaby B:Look! The yarn leads right to...
[Barnabys gasp]
Jane:Oh, no!
Tim:'Tis like a yard of graves.
[duck quacks]
Tim:Hurry! [panting] They have to be here! Split up!
Barnabys: Splitting!
Tim:[grunting] Tree. Tree.
Jane:Tree here, too.
Barnaby B:Another tree.
Barnaby A:No sign of them.
[meows]
Tim:This is impossible! We're all going to freeze out here if we don't find them.
[smooching in the distance]
Barnaby A:[gasps] I hear something.
Barnaby B:Me, too. Definitely hear something.
Jane:Is it a some or a thing?
[smooching continues]
Tim:It is a some and a thing. Go!
Barnaby A:Not a tree!
Barnaby B:It's parents!
Jane:[gasps] Their kiss, it's still warm.
Tim:Heaters. Fire. [howls]
Jane:Come on. Come on.
[both yelp and shiver] -[kids cheering]
Jane:[laughing] We have parents.
Barnaby A:A mommy.
Barnaby B:And a daddy.
Mother:[shivering] Children? Ah, Fatherkins, are we back home?
Father:[shivering] No, dearest. On an alp.
Tim:We have come to your rescue.
Mother:Rescue? Us?
Father:But how?
Jane:We knew where you were going.
Tim:We sent you away.
both:The Reprehensible Travel Agency.
Mother:The brochure?
Father: Mother's balls! This was... you?
Jane:We wanted, um, to orphan ourselves.
Barnaby: A:But we were wrong.
Barnaby B:Very wrong.
Father:Oh, my.
Tim:Look, we are not a perfectfamily. We're not even a good family. But you need us to get down this alp, and once we're down there, we need you so that we can all stay together. You don't have to love us, but will thou be our parents again?
Kids:Please.
Mother:Oh, Father, maybe be were wrong. We can do better.
Father:Shall we? For love.
Mother:For love.
[But instead, they shove the kids back and started heading to the dirigible.]
Father:Get out of my way!
Mother:Ugh.
Father:Would you look at that machine?
Mother:Oh, I do love to fly.
Father:Run, Mother. Run as fast as you can.
The Cat: I did not see that one coming.
Mother:I didn't bring my running dress.
Father: Lift those limbs.
Mothe: Here I come, Father! To adventure!
[duck groaning] [parents cheering] [Tim yelps]
Father:Mother, where did you learn to drive?
Mother:I thought you were driving, darling.
The Cat: Unfortunately, the Willoughby parents remained thoroughly...
Mother:What do these pedals do?
The Cat:...incredibly and utterly selfish.
Father:Oh, dear.
[Phew! The dirigible started to burst out of control and send Walter and Helga flying through the air, screaming until they disappeared. The kids watched, confused.]
All:Huh.
Jane:Any chance they survived that?
Tim:I don't think so.
The Cat:Oh, no. All the determination, imagination. Doesn't matter how good you are, does it? The world can be a pretty cold place.
Tim:We have to stay warm.
Barnaby A: Oh, Tim. [gasps] It's frozen.
Barnaby B:Definitely frozen.
Barnaby A: Hot!
Barnaby B:Get the hot.
Jane:No! Barnabys! No! Stay together!
Barnaby B:Oh, the hot is gone.
Jane:Tim, what do we do now?
[breathing heavily]
Tim:The yarn! We followed it up. We can follow it back down.
Jane:Tim! Come back! Please! We have to...stay...
[Tim tried but the string was blown away.]
Tim:No! [grunts] It's hopeless.
Jane:Come back.
[Barnabys shivering] [Jane shivering]
Barnaby B:Cold.
[both shivering]
Barnaby A:Sweater.
Jane:No.
[Jane looked over to the Barnaby's and knew what she had to do.]
Jane: [shivering] One last what-if.
[shivering] [Jane humming]
Barnaby A:I heard something.
Barnaby B:Me, too.
Jane:[singing]Through the glass, over the wall
Tim:Jane?
Jane:Looking for something new...Wake from the dream -[meows] Forget about the past At the end of the rainbow is you What's in a name, a familiar refrain? [meows] We all play our roles In a box full of holes When the future is lost And the lines have been crossed I know where I will be Through the lows and the highs I will stay by your side There's no need for goodbyes Now I'm seeing the light When the sky turns to gray And there's nothing to say At the end of the day, I choose you
Tim:Jane?
Jane:And you. And you. -And you, too, cat. [singing] I choose you
[Tim knew that Jane forgiven him, and he hugged the rest of his siblings.]
Tim:[shivering] Thank you, Jane. Thank you.
Cat:Oh..Tragic..But remember, this is an old fashioned story and as such It can't end like this, can it? Whee!
Tim:Ruth?
[Barnabys gasp]
Barnaby A:It’s a Swiss gyrocopter.
Barnaby B:Woo! There’s a can opener!
Barnaby A:I bet it has a corkscrew.
Melanoff: Lickety twist!
Linda:Oh, Skinny Bones.
Tim:Nanny? [yelps]
Linda:After all we've been through you abandon us? Oh!
Tim:[muffled] But how did you find us?
Linda:We followed the rainbow into the storm,
Melanoff: Then Ruth heard your jolly jingle.
Jane:You heard my song? Wow.
Linda:It was beautiful, Jane. I’m sure your folks loved it. Speaking of folks, where are they? I want to tell them how great their kids are.
Barnaby A:They stole our dandy dirigible.
Barnaby B:We have really bad parents.
Jane:You mean had?
TIm: We’re orphans. For real.
Linda:What?
Melanoff: Oh..
Barnaby B:No parents..
Barnaby A:No home...
Barnaby B:No place to go.
Jane: We’ve lost it all.
Tim:But we have each other. Look, We sailed a candy dirigible over an ocean, climbed the unclimbable.
Barnaby B:We didn’t actually climb.
Barnaby A:I know, But it’s a nice speech.
Tim:So as long as we stick together, we’ll be okay. With ot without parents.
Jane:What if..
Tim:We become a family?
Barnabys:Hi mommy.
Linda:I’m all in! [laughing]
Melanoff:Diddly dee. Same with me!
Linda:Commander, get us out of here. It’s too cold to be mushy.
Melanoff:Grandy Dandy!
Linda?:Why aren’t we using the helicopter?
Melanoff:We don’t need no helicopters We’re family.
The Cat:Okay, It’s a bit weird, all right? But we got there in the end. Determination, imagination, hope. Told you I know a good story when I see one. The best stories are the hard ones y’know?
Tim:It’s not bushy.
Jane:Still, it is a mustache. I think we know what that means, right, Tim?
Tim:[scoffs] We’re not doing the great thing anymore, since that happened.
Barnaby: Mustache.Hehehe.
Linda:Well; if you ate your oats Tim..[deep voice] you’d have hair everywhere.
Melanoff: Maybe hairless Tim wants something new. I called it Melanoff meatloaf.
All:Ooh!
Melanoff: Ruth
Linda:Oh no no.
Tim:Ugh!
Jane: Haha. Look Tim. Ruth has a meat mustache. [Tim sighs]
Baby: Willoughby.
The Cat: Look at them, a perfectly imperfect family. And while they didn’t get everything they wanted, they got what they needed.
Tim:Here we go!
The Cat:I guess we all need love. Even me.
Jane:I love my mustache!
The Cat:See? They all lived happily ever after. Which is more than I can say for...you know.
Mother:Oh, mushy buns, I do Love seeing the world with you. Even the wet bits.
Father:[laughs] Nothing will stop us from adventuring mother.
The Cat:Oh dear.
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