Transcripts 2003-01

Transcripts from January 2003 strips.
==January 3==
Panel 1Chris is sitting at a desk in front of a CRT monitor running DOS. He looks up at Susan when she peeks through the open doorway to speak to him. A Cray mainframe and assorted other electronics are also in the room.Caption: January 3rd: Somewhere in EnglandSusan: Chris, Kevin said to meet him NOW!Susan: He looks angry!Panel 2The camera rotates to show Susan's view of Chris. He has a distraught look on his face as he leans back in his chair. In the background, there is a shelf with a networking setup, another large electronic device, and a yellow bucket catching drips from the ceiling vent.Chris: Do you think he found out about the bets? I always wipe the logs when I ask the machine for a winner!Susan (off-panel): I don't think so. He's had a number of big-wigs in tow...Panel 3Shot of Susan, slowly revealing more of herself as she stands in the doorway.Susan: Chris, I know you're not going to like this, but I heard them arguing! Hell the whole floor could!Susan: From what I could make out, they want the Oracle online in two months!
==January 6==
Panel 1Chris peeks in Kevin's office, holding the doorframe with a worried expression on his face.Chris: Um, I believe you wanted to see me sir?Panel 2Kevin shouts angrily from his desk, which has a CRT monitor, and a pen holster on it and a plant behind it. A certificate is mounted on the wall.Kevin: NO I DON'T, IDIOT! YOU'RE HERE 'CAUSE YOU'RE A FUCK-UP!Kevin: WHY THE HELL WOULD I WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID FACE FOR ANY LONGER THAT WAS TRULY NECESSARY?!Kevin: QUIT HIDING BEHIND THAT DOOR AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN!Panel 3Close-up of Chris fighting to stand up against the gale force winds of Kevin's wrath.Chris (thinking): I thought Susan said he was in a bad mood! This is pretty level-headed for him!Kevin: ...ER FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!
==January 10==
Panel 1Chris sits in the visitor's chair in Kevin's office, as Kevin stands over his desk, leaning on it with one hand and clutching his stomach with the other, cringing in pain. There is a pen holster, CRT monitor and keyboard on his desk. A window is in the background, looking out onto a flat green area with silhouetted buildings in the distance.Kevin: As you no doubt heard from my eavesdropping secretary...Susan (off-panel): I HEARD THAT!Kevin: SHUT UP! ... Top brass want the Oracle online for all this Iraq crap!Kevin: Gah! My damn ulcer!Panel 2Close-up of Chris, wide-eyed with his hair in his face and a hand raised in exasperation.Chris: But all we have is a "working" model! The build we have now is the best by far, but it keeps veering off on wild tangents after a few minutes! Hell, those half-wits saw the test results!Panel 3The camera rotates to face Kevin, with the back of Chris's head in the foreground.Kevin: Yes they did, and after a little bit of spin they concluded that the test run was a complete success! The Oracle's predictions WERE accurate after all!Chris: True! After we asked it "what is the greatest threat to UK troops in a war with Iraq?" It said "American bombers", then worked on the likelihood of them all choking on toast!
==January 13==
Panel 1Close-up of a brooding Kevin. A certificate hangs on the wall in front of him, and part of the window is visible on the wall in the background.Kevin: It's no good arguing! I've tried, and it's quite clear that head office want their new toy and NOW! They couldn't resist mentioning how much this project was over time and budget! They've seen some tests that "prove" that the Oracle is ready to go online!Chris: What tests?! I haven't performed any in months! In fact I explicitly said it would take at least a year before we'd have a useable build!Panel 2Kevin glares over his shoulder at Chris, whose shit-eating grin is visible even as he faces away from the camera.Kevin: Well after they saw all the winnings you got from the bookies in your bank account, and that hidden little program about horses the Oracle runs 2 am each day; they called that 'test' successful!Chris: Oh! Heh!
==January 17==
Single PanelKevin yanks Chris up by his shirt collar and brings him nose-to-nose, shouting and spitting at him.Kevin: Right you listen here Chris, I'm going to tell you how it is! I know you've somehow got into your head that I can't fire you, because you're the only one who knows how that monstrosity you've created works! Well I'm here to tell you that you're wrong! You've really screwed up this time you stupid little shit, and you're going to pay for it!Kevin: If the Oracle isn't online within two months, I'm going to hand you back over to MI6! I know the CIA have been chomping on their arse to hand you over to them for screwing with their servers and sealing files! So if you don't want to spend the next few years in an American jail, sharing a cell with a guy called "donkey", you'd better not leave this fucking building for the next wight weeks!Kevin: NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!
==January 20==
Panel 1Chris sits in a darkened room with a computer. He is slumped down, eye level with the keyboard, which he "TAP TAP"s half-heartedly with one hand, his other arm curled up next to him. His face is tired, ears folded back, and his desk is covered with empty styrofoam cups and (probably) a takeaway carton of Chinese food.Caption: Febuerry 22nd 22:34Panel 2The door opens, and a silhouette of Kevin appears in the doorway, harshly backlit (although Kevin's eyes are visible). Chris shoots up to a proper posture and nervously types way with a "TAKA! TAKA! TAKA!" to make him look busy.Kevin: Are you working Christopher?Chris: Yes sir! Just doing some debugging sir!Panel 3Close-up of Kevin, smiling and tugging on the collar of his overcoat.Kevin: Well stop! I've sent everyone else home so you can go too!Chris (off-panel): But Kevin, the interface with the black boxes still doesn't work because...Kevin: You're too tired and you're making stupid mistakes! Go home and sleep!Chris (off-panel): But...Kevin: You can't do any real work without sleep! Go home, go to bed, then for God's sake take a bath! You smell as bad as you look!
==January 24==
Panel 1Kevin stands in the doorway, silhouetted and cocking his head to one side. Chris rubs his eyes tiredly.Chris: Gah! You win Kev! I'm too tired to argue! Just let me put this thing to bed!Kevin: Be quick! I want to go home! I'll be locking up if you need me!Panel 2Chris types at his computer with a few "TAC! TAC!" keystrokes, looking exhausted. A takeaway carton and a styrofoam cup are balanced on top of the monitor.Panel 3The camera rotates to view Chris from behind the monitor. His face is bewildered, somewhat angry.Chris: What the hell?Panel 4A screenshot of the Oracle's code.[chris@oracle001 ~]$ listjobs
3 Job/s running, 18 job/s queued:Running:-----------------------1: Likelihood of UK government overthrow.2: Likelihood of US government overthrow.3: Likelihood of Iraqi government overthrow.Queued:-----------------------1: Likelihood of Israeli government overthrow.2: Likelihood of Indian government overthrow.3: Likelihood of North Korean government overthrow.4: Likelihood of Elvis being alive.5: Likelihood of Palestine government overthrow.Chris: What are you up to?
==January 27==
Panel 1Chris stares at the monitor in deep thought, a fist to his mouth as he glares.Chris (thinking): Okay, why is it plotting downfall scenarios for the British and American governments?Panel 2Close-up of Chris's face as he has a realisation.Chris (thinking): Ahh! I see what's going on here! It's classed us, and a number of others as "rogue states"! I know one it's definitions of a rogue state is a nation that produces banned weapons under international treaty, and almost everyone does that! Us with those nukes and the yanks with that bat-shit defence system, it's lumped us into the same group as North Korea and Iraq! And that's cute! It's classed Bush as an un-elected, military dictator! I bet a lot of lefties would get a kick out of that! Well, that's easy enough to fix! I'll just tell it that the "good guys" (or the safe enough to ignore like India) are allowed to do that!Panel 3Kevin (still silhouetted) peeks in the doorway, shouting. Chris gets up and puts on his coat, facing away from the camera.Kevin: OI! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO LEAVE IT ALONE! MOVE!Chris: I'll be there in a sec'!Chris (thinking): Well, it's nothing that can't wait till morning anyway!
==January 31==
Panel 1Chris is smiling and strolling along, eyes closed in happiness. Several potted, curiously round trees line the walkway, and tall buildings loom in the background behind a wall. An unknown grey canine in a white coat (cameo?), carrying a blue gym bag, is walking by behind Chris.Chris (thinking): Kevin was right! I had to sop for a while! I feel a lot better now, and I figured out the black box problem while in the bath too!Panel 2Front-facing view of Chris walking along, the round potted trees and two posts flanking the path from whence he came. Chris is still walking along with his eyes closed, feeling confident.Chris (thinking): Yep, I have a good feeling about today!Panel 3A bus speeds by with a WAM!
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