The Marge-ian Chronicles/Quotes

:Homer: Hey Flanders! Gas up your leaf blower much? (notices Flanders' henhouse) Chickens? Since when do you have chickens?
:Ned: Oh, about six months.
:Homer: Well, they've been driving me crazy. Get rid of them!
:Ned: (chuckles) Don't let these feathery fellas ruffle your feathers, fella.
:Homer: Chickens. You have yourself a perfectly good coop and that's what you keep in it? (whistles)
:Ned: Oh Homer, surely you know there's nothing tastier than a fresh-laid egg! (To Rod and Todd) How do you want 'em, boys?
:Rod and Todd: Coddled! Coddled! Coddled!
:Ned: (chuckles) What is it about boys and their coddled eggs?
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:(Marge makes coddled eggs for the family)
:Homer: I'm sorry, I can't eat these. Flanders has freshly-pooped eggs, orange as a sunset over a field of ripe Doritos. While these... look, I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking: Store eggs are yellow. They're yellow eggs, Marge. Yellow.
:Marge: Why do you always think about what you don't have?
:Homer: Has anyone ever thought about what they do have? (to Lisa) Have you?
:Lisa: Not that much.
:Homer: (to Bart) Have you?
:Bart: Nope!
:Homer: (to Maggie) Have you? (Maggie drops her egg on the floor) Boy, I won't live long enough to teach you about sex, but I'll be damned if I don't show you how to steal eggs!!
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:Homer: Ok son, stay sharp in there. If chickens are known for two things, it's bravery and intelligence.
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:Homer: How can idiots say there's no God when a species that evolved from dinosaurs feeds us their unfertilized babies?
:Bart: If I could lay eggs like these, I'd never leave my bedroom.
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:Ned: Homer Simpson, I am going to enjoy finding it in my heart to forgive you for this!
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:Lisa: (sees Homer's hen house) Urban poultry farming is a great way to reduce our carbon footprint! Or maybe increase it, I'm not sure. But they're so cute!
:Homer: Now, don't get attached, I'm about to cut them open to scoop out the eggs.
:Lisa: No! look! (grabs some eggs) They're already laying!
:Homer: Now, what lays bacon?
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:(Ned caught Homer and Bart stealing his eggs again)
:Ned: (annoyed) Ah, forget it, just take 'em.
:Homer: You can't just give them to us! They only taste good if we steal them!
:Bart: Keep chasing!
:Homer: It improves the flavor!
:Ned: Sure, sure, whatever works for you. (he starts chasing them around his backyard while Marge and Lisa watch them)
:Marge: I guess we don't need our chickens anymore.
:Lisa: Don't worry, I've already found a research facility that will raise them humanely.
:Marge: I wasn't worried about that.
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:Homer: (whispering to Paul and Barry) If you're going to eat the chickens, don't tell the girl.
:Barry: Oh no. These chickens are here to advance the cause of science! (Shows their laboratory to the Simpsons)
:Homer: Look at all those lab coats.
:Barry: At Exploration Incorporated, our mission is to help humanity make the next big leap.
:Marge: That's so fascinating! When did you incorporate?
:Paul: We are preparing to launch the first privately-funded, manned mission to Mars.
:Lisa: (gasps) You're going to Mars!? That's incredible! (Homer raises his hand)
:Homer: Uh... yes. How do you plan to solve the problem of eyeball explosion when you take off your space helmet?
:Paul: Uh... you leave your helmet on.
:Homer: Hmm, these guys seem legit!
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:Homer: What about those Mars nutjobs? Who wants to take a one-way trip to a barren lifeless rock?
:Bart: Yeah. In a couple years, we'll have a perfectly good barren lifeless rock right here!
:Homer: This guy gets it! (They high-five each other)
:Lisa: Well, this mission really gives me hope. I'm tired of nothing but bad news about the future!
:Marge: Yes, but to travel to another planet, knowing you can never come back, you'd have to be pretty sad. Aniston sad.
:Lisa: I'm not sad, I'm inspired. That's why I volunteered this afternoon!
:Marge: What?
:Lisa: The mission leaves in ten years. I'll be eighteen and I'm going to Mars!
:Homer: No way young lady! We cannot afford to send you to Mars!
:Lisa: It's free!
:Homer: (to Marge) Cheaper than college.
:Marge: No!
:Homer: No!
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:Lisa: I think this could be my true purpose! Just let me try out. They might not even pick me! I mean, I'd pick me, but...
:Marge: Absolutely not! You are grounded! You are confined to this planet!
:Homer: And its moon.
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:Marge: You know, I looked at a map, and Mars is just one planet over. If you really want to try out for this mission, I support you!
:Lisa: Really? Thanks, Mom! If they choose me to be a colonist, I could make jazz the dominant music form of a whole new planet!
:Marge: That's exactly where jazz belongs. (leaves Lisa's bedroom)
:Homer: Way to turn into the skid, baby! Now watch Lisa lose interest in Mars just as sure as you gave up on opening that G-rated comedy club.
:Marge: I thought Gentle Jollies was a great idea.
:Homer: Oh, not great. Amazing!
:Marge: Hmm, now that I think about it, that idea did have a lot of problems.
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:Paul: Greetings, candidates! The testing that begins today will determine which of you have the necessary skills to thrive on Mars.
:Barry: Think of how satisfying it will feel to stand in the Valles Marineris and thunder-chug a Blue Bronco energy drink! (The confused candidates start talking with each other)
:Pail: Blue Bronco is just one of this mission's many corporate partners.
:Barry: Because this is a privately funded entrepreneurial mission, we've teamed up with some of America's most exciting brands! We're talking Mega-Charge Batteries, Fantasy-Lunatics.com, Trudge-Rite Work Boots, Draft-Pigs. And who here likes Fig Glutens? (everyone raises their hands, except Disco Stu)
:Disco Stu: What? The fig seeds get caught in my adult braces! (the camera cuts to him on a bus stop outside the building) Oh, I should not have given away my dog, man.
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:Lisa: Principal Skinner, what brings you on this mission to make mankind a two-planet species?
:Skinner: Mars is the ultimate field trip, and all they sell at the gift shop is immortality! Also, I'm drowning in debt.
:Professor Frink: Well, I hope to establish a planet of perfect equality-ment.
:Rainer Wolfcastle: On Mars, you are my servant!
:Professor Frink: Uh, well, well, either way is good, really.
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:Marge: You said if I supported Lisa's crazy idea, she'd lose interest!
:Homer: Oh, Marge. You'll never understand the female mind. We're just getting started!
:Marge: What more can we do?
:Homer: I've utilized my male mind to come up with a plan so supportive, Lisa will never want to do anything again.
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:(Lisa finds her family at Exploration Incorporated)
:Lisa: What are you guys doing here!?
:Marge: We're trying out for Mars too! We were so inspired by you being inspired.
:Paul: A family unit could be perfect for this mission. NASA would never have the guts to shoot a baby into space. (Maggie salutes him)
:Barry: And your father is a former astronaut. What an honor!
:Homer: Last time, I almost killed everybody!
:Barry: And what did you learn from that?
:Homer: Lessons, I guess.
:Lisa: (thinking) Okay. Mom, Dad and Bart don't want to go to Mars, so this must be some sort of mind-game reverse super-fake-out!
:Homer: (thinking) Poor Lisa. She is so faked out.
:Lisa: (thinking) And all I have to do is be patient. Pretty soon, they'll get sick of this and quit.
:Homer: (thinking) I'm getting sick of this! I think I'll quit soon.
:Lisa: (thinking) It's just a matter of time.
:Homer: (thinking) I wonder which one of these two guys is the one I quit to.
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:Paul: Marge and Lisa, congratulations! You've both passed with flying colors and will be named finalists in our astronaut search!
:Barry: Marge, you're a revelation! Most of our candidates are of the egghead loner variety. Bookworms, teacher's pets, friendless middle children, that sort of thing. (Lisa groans) But you display an amazing ability to perform repetitive tasks without getting bored! Even our robotic arm gets a little cranky. (The robotic Arm throws a book at him)
:Paul: That's two, Lorraine!
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:Lisa: Admit it! The only reason you're here is to support me until I lose interest and quit! Well, I'm not going anywhere, so you can quit.
:Marge: Maybe I don't want to quit! Do you realize what a big deal it is to be a space colonist?
:Lisa: Yes! That's why I want to do it!
:Marge: I think you don't like that I'm just as good at Mars as you. Maybe even better!
:Lisa: Ha! Hardly. All you are is a... a... stay-at-hab space wife!
:Marge: Hmm... Well, it looks like the ego has landed!
:Lisa: You're the last person I would ever want to go to Mars with!! In ten years!
:Marge: That's too bad, because I'm going with you!! In ten years! (Lisa zips the door open and closes it)
:Lisa: On Mars, that would be a door slam!
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:Marge: Sometimes I feel like Lisa has no respect for me!
:Homer: I know, I know.
:Marge: I'm finally good at something and she has to make it into a competition!
:Homer: That must be really hard for you.
:Marge: It is!
:Homer: I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
:Marge: Thank you.
:(the scene cuts to Lisa's bedroom)
:Lisa: Mom's always trying to hold me back!
:Bart: I know, I know.
:Lisa: I can't be her little girl forever!
:Bart: That must be really hard for you.
:Lisa: It is!
:Bart: I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
:Lisa: Thank you.
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:(all other participants give up going to Mars after the conference)
:Marge: Uh, I... I guess we should leave too.
:Lisa: I knew it!
:Marge: What?
:Lisa: This has all been an elaborate charade! You never had the guts to go to Mars.
:Marge: Oh, I have the guts! I once went to a rock concert by myself, in the rain! It was Loverboy!
:Lisa: Then let's go! To Mars!
:Marge: Yeah! let's go! To Mars!
:(they both sit down and groan)
:Barry: Ladies and gentlemen, mankind's first residents of Mars, powered by Simmer-Time Dinner Sauces.
:Paul: Dinner time is Simmer-Time. For sauce.
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:Bart: They're leaving in a week? Mom's my only good parent!
:Homer: And Lisa's my only good kid!
:Bart: Why won't they admit that neither of them actually wants to go to Mars?
:Homer: I'm not giving up yet. There's got to be a limit to their stubbornness, right?
:(scene cuts to Marge and Lisa inside the rocket)
:Flight Director: T-minus one minute to launch.
:Homer: D'oh!
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:Lisa: Here we go! I guess.
:Marge: Yep! We're doing this, apparently.
:Lisa: I'm sorry I doubted you, Mom! (they hold each other's hand) There's no one I would rather go to Mars with.
:Marge: I love you, sweetie.
:Lisa: I love you, too. I don't want to go!! (tries to release her seatbelt)
:Marge: This is the stupidest idea we ever had! Abort launch! (tries to release her seatbelt)
:Paul: (from the control tower) That's a negative.
:Barry: I think you're forgetting the motto of Blue Bronco: "Let's do this thing!"
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:Homer: This is not happening! Do you know how to run the dishwasher?
:Bart: Of course not! Maybe we can use paper plates!
:Homer: Where the hell do we get those?
:Bart: Mom, no!
:Homer: Marge, no!
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:Lisa: Mom, doesn't it frighten you that we almost went to Mars out of sheer stubbornness?
:Marge: That's what a mother-daughter relationship is, sweetie. A series of near-fatal emotional standoffs.
:Lisa: Okay, but it doesn't have to be that way. Surely we can learn from this.
:Marge: One day, we'll figure it out. On this planet or another.
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:(2051 Lisa is talking with a robot about Marge not letting her move to Venus)
:Lisa: Mom's always trying to hold me back!
:Nod-Bot: I know, I know.
:Lisa: I can't be her little girl forever!
:Nod-Bot: That must be really hard for you.
:Lisa: It is!
:Nod-Bot: Nod-Bot is so sorry you have to go through this.
:Lisa: Thank you.
es:The Marge-ian Chronicles/Frases