The Probing

The Probing is DanzxvFan8275's third entry of Spin Off Kings Season Two. It is also the third archive of File 1 of I Simp For Juicy Titties. It was released on May 19, 2020.
==Transcript==
[episode begins with a zoomed out shot of Area 51. Some text displays saying “Some Random Part of Nevada.” We see several shots of the exterior of the base. It then cuts to an inside shot where several aliens are being escorted by guards. A blue alien named Pedro starts talking.]
Pedro: Guys, I don’t know how much longer of this we can take. [a green alien replies]
Colin: Yeah, same. I’m sick of having all these tests done on me. Also, my name is extremely white for some reason. [a purple alien follows up]
Jamie: Come on, we’ll never be able to escape. Look around you! [shows an array of weapons and guards surrounding all lobbies of the base] This place is more protected than FSB.
Pedro: Sure, but we can still crack-
Area 51 Guard: You know we can hear you, right? [Pedro slides him $1000] Hm… nevermind, keep talking.
Colin: Why should we talk when we can just do?
Area 51 Guard: What… what does that entail?
Jamie: It means THIS! [whips out a blaster that charges a laser at the guard, blasting him back to the wall. He pulls out his phone.]
Area 51 Guard: We need backup at Sector A4. [dies. The three of then start climbing up ladder to get to a control panel]
Pedro: Come on gaylord, go! [to Jamie]
Jamie: Gaylord? What are you talking about?
Colin: Jamie is quite the gay name.
Jamie: Oh, and Colin isn’t? [more guards come to stop them]
Area 51 Guard: Freeze!
Pedro: Oh no, not the ultimate weapon! It can’t be! [all three aliens in unison as it cuts to a shot of the bottle] A DISINFECTANT THAT KILLS 100% of GERMS?!
Area 51 Guard: That’s right. It’s gonna kill you.
Another Area 51 Guard: Yessir, we were already done with the testing. We wanted to see if aliens could be gay. The results came back positive.
[Pedro and Colin look at Jamie]
Jamie: Oh come on! [the three continue to make their way to the panel]
Area 51 Guard: Hey! [raises hand to get other guards to climb up the ladder following them. The aliens run to the control panel where they attempt to put in different inputs.]
Pedro: Let’s see…
Area 51 Guard: Wait! Do not press anything.
Colin: Why not?
Area 51 Guard: Pressing any button on there is risky. Especially if you pull the lever. [shows a lever]
Pedro: Why, what does the lever do?
Area 51 Guard: It, uh, wipes out the entire alien race. [other guards nod in agreement]
Jamie: We don’t believe you. [looks at other aliens]
Area 51 Guards: Why would you go against us? We’ve worked here for years. Don’t you press anything on that, we’ll shoot you!
Colin: You’re gonna shoot us anyway, so what’s the point?
Area 51 Guard: Oh, right. [shoots a laser towards the aliens who brace for impact. However, the laser misses and flicks the lever on the control panel. This opens the hatch behind the panel and causes a UFO to hover over.] What?!
Pedro: Come on, guys, run! [they fly past the room in epic fashion as they all jump into the UFO. The guards are attempting to open the hatch to it. Pedro panics and inserts a key to start the engine up. This causes the guard from the outside to be smothered with exhaust from the pipes, knocking him out. The UFO takes off in the distance. One of the guards carries the knocked out guard back into the room, as he wakes up.]
Guard #1: Uh, what happened?
Guard #2: Well, I know what WILL happen. You’re gonna get fired.
Guard #1: Huh? [remembers] Oh, right. I can’t believe reverse psychology didn’t work. It always works.
Guard #3: How the hell did YOU end up getting hired anyway?
Guard #1: [pulls off suit to reveal that he’s 6ix9ine] I snitched to Goldfein.
[cuts to Pedro, Colin, and Jamie in the UFO]
Pedro: Well, boys, we did it. Fascism is no more.
Colin: We escaped the inescapable. [cuts to Jamie constructing a device]
Jamie: Yeah. [Colin looks behind]
Colin: Jamie, stop making objects that you use to shove up your ass.
Jamie: Well, not my ass. Other peoples’ asses.
Pedro: Huh?
Jamie: You mean you’ve never heard of anal probing before?
Colin: Sounds like a fetish to me.
Jamie: NO! IT’S NOT! We finally need to fill our quota and inspect the life of lowlife sea creatures.
Pedro: Like, abduct them? And track their every movement? Who are we, Joe Biden?
Colin: I think he’s right, Pedro. Look. [shows the island of Bikini Atoll, stranded in the ocean] There’s a town that we can target under that. I know someone down there. Sandy Cheeks.
Jamie: Really? How do you know her? What kind of things did you two do?
Colin: Chemistry… but not like that! I mean in a science way.
Pedro: Either way, it involves science.
Jamie: How about you stop putting filler in the episode and go down there?
Pedro: [sighs] Fine.
[cuts to SpongeBob’s pineapple. Patrick is sleeping on the couch with the Bikini Bottom News in the background]
Johnny Elaine: Breaking news! Aliens spotted abo- [SpongeBob shuts TV off and shoots a look at Patrick]
SpongeBob: PATRICK! Wake your ass up.
Patrick: [wakes up] Oh, hey SpongeBob. What am I doing in your house?
SpongeBob: We were supposed to go jellyfishing today!
Patrick: Eh, I don’t know. How about we go fish for Sandy’s jelly? Squirrel Jelly!
SpongeBob: Ew, you better not mention that piece of shit episode here. Speaking of piece of shit, did you remember to- what the hell is that? [he walks outside to see a flying saucer above. SpongeBob begins to drift up, as well as the pebbles on his driveway. It cuts to the inside of the UFO where Jamie and Colin are looking out, grinning at their discovery. Pedro is at the wheel, also grinning. SpongeBob slowly makes his way up to the cabin, where he suddenly is surrounded by the three aliens.]
Pedro: Welcome, sponge cake. You are our first victim!
SpongeBob: WHO ARE YOU?! You didn’t even let me finish my sentence! I was gonna ask Patrick if he flushed the toilet.
Colin: Well, maybe you can tell him after we get some information from you.
SpongeBob: What kind of information?
Jamie: [to Colin and Pedro] Wait, we were supposed to get information from him? I thought we were just gonna stick this antenna up his ass.
Pedro: ...weirdo. Anyway, yellow fool, tell us everything you know about your town!
SpongeBob: Well, uh… I don’t want to.
Colin: You have to. Or else we shove you in the bathroom and turn the lights off. You wouldn’t want that to happen, now, would you?
SpongeBob: Okay, so… welcome to Bikini Bottom! I must say, you should try out the Krusty Krab. Krabby Patties are amazing, I tell you. AMAZING. [as he’s talking, Jamie and Pedro build a few antennas] They’re like cocaine to me. Pure cocaine. Quite amazing. But not as amazing as my neighbor, Squidward. He’s quite drea- [gets cut off mid sentence by Jamie strapping him down to a chair] OW!
Jamie: Don’t worry, this won’t hurt. [uses a machine claw to drag the antenna above the backside of SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: What… what are you doing?
Jamie: You’ll see. 3...2...1… [SpongeBob appears nervous during the countdown] and BOOM! [lowers claw and shoves the antenna in SpongeBob’s ass, successfully giving him an anal probe. SpongeBob orgasms, which causes the camera to cut to the exterior of the UFO]
SpongeBob: Oh YEAAAH!!
Pedro: You weren’t supposed to enjoy that, you know.
Jamie: I don’t blame him. [Colin slaps him]
SpongeBob: So uh… mind telling me what this is?
Jamie: Not really. [flips a switch which opens the bottom hatch again, causing SpongeBob to fall out of the ship. Once he clears the bottom, the hatch closes, and the UFO drifts off into the distance. SpongeBob continues to lay on the bottom until Patrick wanders outside]
Patrick: Woah, that Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fanfiction was BRILLIANT. I must say, Handsomelad42 is a spectacular writer. [stops to see SpongeBob on the ground] SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: ...Patrick? Where were you?
Patrick: Where were YOU? You just left the house. [SpongeBob turns around, scratching his head] Oh, sick! You grew a tail.
SpongeBob: What? No, you damn fool! I got anally probed.
Patrick: Oh, okay. You must’ve liked it.
SpongeBob: Um… hehe, don’t be silly, Patrick. Of course I didn’t. Now if you excuse me, I’m gonna go feed Gary. [as he walks inside the house, the probe starts flashing colors, causing it to signal.] What the… [a voice comes through the signal, which is identical to Jamie’s].
Jamie: Hey slave, go to your kitchen and get us some grub. It’s for a good cause.
SpongeBob: Why should I listen to you?
Jamie: Because I can self-destruct the probe and kill you.
SpongeBob: Fair enough. [goes to his fridge and grabs an armful of food. He makes his way outside, simply carrying it.] Here you go. [whispers] losers…
[UFO hovers back over his house, levitating the food up into its arsenal. After getting all of it, it flies back to where it came from.]
SpongeBob: [checks watch] Damn, time for work already? What would Mr. Krabs think when he sees that I have an antenna up my ass?
Patrick: He’d probably say “I wish that was me.”
[SpongeBob has a deadpan expression as it cuts to him walking into the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: I’m here- WHAT THE HELL?!
[shows everyone in the Krusty Krab, including Squidward, Eugene, and the customers. All of them have an anal probe]
Eugene: SpongeBob, me boy! You’re 15 minutes late!
SpongeBob: Hey, it’s not my fault! I was getting probed by those damn fool ET knockoffs.
Eugene: So did we. But we’re on time.
[signal goes off on Eugene’s probe]
Colin: Greedy boomer. Greedy boomer. Get us some money.
Eugene: No. [tases Eugene, causing him to be burn black] Okay, fine. [reaches into his pocket, pulling out a wad of cash. This gets abducted into the UFO.]
Squidward: Don’t sweat it, Krabsy boy. How about you give us the same amount of money as you gave them? [Squidward’s probe signals]
Pedro: Hentai pod, we need you to hand over the clarinet. It’s for a secret project.
[Squidward starts to boil. He grabs his clarinet and chucks it up into the air in anger. As a result, it breaks on the UFO]
Pedro: Oh, I see how it is! [cuts to an interior shot of the UFO] Time for Plan B. [presses a button on the remote. It cuts back to the Krusty Krab, where all of the customers get up from the table and form a single file line. They walk in robotic motions until they get outside, abducted by the aliens. SpongeBob, Squidward, and Eugene look in fear.]
Eugene: Woah.
Squidward: I know, right? When’s the last time something like this has happened?
Eugene: Something like what?
Squidward: Did you not remember everyone getting abducted 20 seconds ago? And everyone getting probed?
Eugene: Oh, that? Pfft, who cares about that. I was referring to my penis returning to a flaccid climate.
SpongeBob: Enough of your sexual degeneracy, Mr. Krabs! We have to stop those aliens.
Eugene: I agree, illegal aliens are a nuisance. That’s why I’m on Team Trump.
SpongeBob: [slaps Eugene across the face] Not reef blower aliens, Mr. Krabs! Tentacle aliens! [Eugene looks at Squidward and shrugs] Maybe Sandy will know what to do. After all, I went alien hunting with her that one time!
[cuts to scene in “Sandy’s Rocket” where SpongeBob and Patrick think they’re capturing aliens, but instead capture Sandy. The episode cuts to Sandy’s treedome, where she appears to not have been probed by the aliens yet. SpongeBob, Squidward, and Eugene barge in]
Sandy: Oh yeah… that nutty juice REALLY hit the spot. [sipping on a tea as she sees the trio come over]
SpongeBob: Sandy, there’s some scary shit going on! We need your help.
Eugene: And your money!
Sandy: Hmm… what’s that sticking out of your arseholes? [the signal sounds again]
Pedro: GET HER! [the three of them each try to grasp her, as Sandy screams and continues to outrun all of them]
Sandy: GUYS, WHAT THE HELL?! [they snap back into reality]
Squidward: Oops, sorry, Sandy. We have anal probes now.
Sandy: From where? Don’t attempt to rape me again.
SpongeBob: We got abducted by these aliens. One of them is clearly gay.
[cuts to UFO]
Jamie: I heard that!
Sandy: Pfff, aliens don’t exis- oh wait. I know one alien. His name is Colin.
SpongeBob: Really? Because that’s coincidentally one of their names. How do you know him?
Sandy: Oh, we went a little freaky in sheeties.
Squidward: You banged an alien?
Sandy: Yeah, don’t judge me. Anyway, I need you three to use your probes to locate the spaceship.
Eugene: Hmm… [swirls probe around until a green light beeps on one of them, detecting a spacecraft nearby. The camera pans out of the probe and into the UFO where Jamie is watching the whole thing.]
Jamie: Those blasted buffoons! I think they found our weakness. [turns to the other two] Guys, I have something to admit.
Colin: HUH!!!! You’re finally coming out?
Jamie: No, damn fool! It’s that there may be an error from the anal probing. With the senses someone has in their ass, they can manipulate the probe, revealing secrets about our location!
Pedro: ...and you did nothing to stop this?
Jamie: Well, I tried, but… well you see, it only reverses the effects when you probe a certain type of people.
[at that moment, Sandy, SpongeBob, Eugene, and Squidward grapple onto the edge of the UFO and open the hatch. They jump in, much to the surprise of the aliens.]
Pedro: WHAT THE? How did you losers get in here?
Jamie: I just explained how they got in here, dumbass. It’s because they’re not gay.
Eugene: Of course we’re not gay. All gays need to be sent to conversion therapy. [looks around] Hey, I’m just a conservative, you know.
Sandy: What do you mean, not gay? [sees Colin] Hi, Colin!
Colin: Ugh, hehe, hi Sandy. [looks down]
Sandy: So you’re saying this whole thing, instead of being based on scientific logic that has been tested and approved, is actually based on one’s sexuality?
Jamie: Yeah.
SpongeBob: And how would you know that?
Jamie: Well, uh, you see… [zaps a laser out of his finger that burns a hole through the four of them] Pedro, go!
Squidward: Ouch.
Jamie: You people will never realize the struggles of an alien. Which is why you must be eliminated. Or better yet, turned into one of our slaves. [presses a button on the panel, which causes the four to be walking around a chicken while continuing to utter “All hail Jamie”] Oh yeah, here we go.
Colin: You know, Jamie, you’re kind of being a douche right now.
Jamie: Douche is weird. I prefer dicks. ...wait, shit! NO! YOU DIDN’T HEAR THAT!
[Sandy breaks out of her chicken stance]
Sandy: AHA! [grabs the probe from SpongeBob’s ass, walking slowly towards Jamie] Let’s see how you like it.
Jamie: No! Please! Don’t do it! You’ll regret it!
Sandy: Too late!
[probes Jamie, which immediately leads to the UFO exploding into pieces. Everyone, including the aliens, the heroes, and the prisoners instantly hit the ground with the wreckage toppling them]
SpongeBob: So, the truth was too explosive, huh?
Sandy: No, not funny.
SpongeBob: ...oh.
Jamie: [gets up, throwing some wreckage to the side] I told you not to do it. Now we can’t fulfill our mission of taking over Area 51.
Sandy: That was the plan? Really?
Jamie: Yeah, but instead, our UFO is destroyed and I have been outed.
[cops arrive]
Officer: Yeah, and now you’re arrested. You’re going back to Area 51, all three of you.
Pedro: Wait, why? Jamie did everything!
Officer: Snitching, eyy? That’ll get you some extra time. [pulls off with the three of them in his car. Another cop walks over as Sandy, SpongeBob, Eugene, and Squidward look on in confusion]
Squidward: So this is what America looks like? Lame.
Officer 2: Thank you, uh… whatever the hell you are. You guys busted the whole operation before it could take off. Is there anything I could do to repay you fine folks?
SpongeBob: [starting to dehydrate] You know, some water would be nice.
Eugene: Yeah. But also, re-elect Trump! Keep America Great! And go shoot some more innocent black people while you’re at it, officer!
[officer gives him a deadpan look as the episode ends]
==Trivia==
*This episode came in second place for Round 3.
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