Mass Durbate/Script

Nice Peter: Hola, hoes!
EpicLLOYD: I’m Nice Peter!
Nice Peter: And I’m sexy!
And this is Total Drama ERB!
EpicLLOYD: Where Justin Bieber outlasted Goku, Wallace, Mr. T, Blackbeard and Leonidas in challenges!
Nice Peter: This STILL makes me cry!
EpicLLOYD: Last time, our friends had to last on top of a crumbling sky scraper which was being demolished by Superman. Halfway through, Goku came in and messed it up. The end was anti-climactic, with Poe losing because we took the “Last one standing” part too seriously.
Nice Peter: After that, the merge happened, and Miley went home. The end. Nothing else.
EpicLLOYD: Here on Total…Drama…
*Clone Goku grabs the camera and points it towards him*
Clone Goku: I’m the camera guy!
Nice Peter (off camera): Who let him film?
*The scene cuts to the contestants waking up with their houses merged together*
Justin Bieber: How did this happen?
Clone Goku: Magic!
Muhammad Ali: I knew Tyson was up to something!
Clone Goku: I’m a genie!
*Adam walks downstairs and sees clone Goku*
Adam: Hey, asshole! What the fuck did you do that for yesterday?
Clone Goku: Huh?
Adam: You could have killed us if it wasn’t for the mattresses!
*Clone Goku leans right into Adam’s face*
Clone Goku (whispering): I’m a carrot.
Adam: Okay…
(Confessional) Adam: I prefer carrot Goku to carrot up his ass Goku, but he’s still a little off…
*Adolf Hitler walks down the stairs, and upon noticing the houses being put together, freaks out*
Adolf Hitler: The Jews did this!
Adam: What?
Adolf Hitler: Lovely Jews!
Clone Goku: I’m not juice, I’m a carrot, silly!
Justin Bieber: I thought you were a genie…
Clone Goku: What’s a genie?
Justin Bieber: What is your problem?
*The intercom blares on, waking up those who didn’t awake already*
Barack Obama (via intercom): I am Barack Obama, and I want you to get your butts down to the stage right now!
Mitt Romney (via intercom): And I’m Mitt Romney, and he can shove it!
*Eve walks down the stairs and collapses into Adam’s arms*
Eve: God dammit, I’m so tired…I swear, they make sure these challenges take forever…
Nice Peter (Via intercom): You have thirty minutes to get down here, contestants!
*the contestants make it down to a stage with a podium, and Obama and Romney are stuck in glass cages across from it*
Nice Peter: Alright, today, you guys are going to have to do something really boring.
EpicLLOYD: We’re just doing this so Morgan can get us an actual challenge for next time, because apparently bankers don’t have experience scheduling appointments with drug dealers and dead people…
Michael Jordan: What now?
Nice Peter: So today’s makeshift challenge is to convince Obama and Romney why you should go on, based on three criteria: Why you should get the money, how you made it so far, and who supports you in the group.
*Everyone looks around nervously*
Nice Peter: Oh yeah, and Tyson, because of your help, you get a free pass.
Justin Bieber: Bullshit.
Nice Peter: You have 3 hours…begin!
*Everyone scrambles around nervously, while Clone Goku who simply stands still and dances while whispering “cha cha cha” to himself*
EpicLLOYD: Get Brown down here, cause…what even is this.
Clone Goku: The Kaka-trot!
Nice Peter: Just…we have a job for you, Goku…
Clone Goku: Yay! Suffering!
*The camera cuts to Al Capone, Cleopatra, Darth Vader and Adolf Hitler standing next to each other*
Al Capone: Three of the most powerful forces in this game, right here, standing with each other…this spells doom.
Adolf Hitler: You forgot Vader!
Darth Vader: Sure he did, you twat.
Al Capone: So, what I wanna know…do any of us here not support each other?
Cleopatra: I don’t support nimrod down at the end…
Adolf Hitler: I want to go pee.
Darth Vader: Then go, no one’s stopping you.
Adolf Hitler: Okay!
*Adolf Hitler walks off to the bathrooms*
Darth Vader: Okay, guys, I have a favor to ask of you.
Al Capone: Ask ahead.
Darth Vader: We need to keep Hitler here in.
Cleopatra: What?
Al Capone: Wouldn’t that be more of a disservice?
Darth Vader: It’s just…he’s kinda important to me…
Al Capone: Oh, so you do love him.
Darth Vader: Hell no. Look at it this way…if he’s still here, we’re all here as well.
Al Capone: Ain’t that why Bieber and Dyna-twit are still in?
Cleopatra: Eh, having 3 only seems safer.
Darth Vader: I knew you-
Cleopatra: But!
Darth Vader: What?
Cleopatra: You have to agree to take out Adam and Eve.
Darth Vader: What threat do they pose?
Cleopatra: They’re annoying.
*the camera briefly pans to Adam and Eve making out, then talking, then continuing to make out*
Al Capone: Oh, our little Egyptian princess is jealous?
Cleopatra: No…it’s just disgusting…
Al Capone: Oh is it now?
Darth Vader: Now look who’s flirting.
Cleopatra: Ew.
Al Capone: Do you want help or not?
Darth Vader: Yes.
Al Capone: Then can it.
(Confessional) Darth Vader: I hope this works…
*the scene transitions to Justin Bieber and Napoleon sitting by a tree*
Justin Bieber: Well, we know who’s going home.
Napoleon Dynamite: Don’t look at me when no one supports you, either.
Justin Bieber: True, but I have one thing you don’t.
Napoleon Dynamite: Putridness?
Justin Bieber: Teen star factor. I could charm my way out of a paper bag.
Napoleon Dynamite: If you’ve got that high hopes in yourself, I feel sorry for you.
Justin Bieber: If you have any hope in yourself, I bet the whole island feels sorry for you.
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: Like anyone expects him to make it further.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: How does this nerd expect to make it further than me?
*The scene transitions to Hitler skipping back to talk with Vader, only to run into Clone Goku*
Clone Goku: Ow, that hurt!
Adolf Hitler: Oops, sorry!
Clone Goku: It’s okay, I have more faces.
Adolf Hitler: You do?
Clone Goku: Yeah, I’m in my Sooper Dooper Pooper Scooper form! What’s your name?
Adolf Hitler: My name is Adolf Hitler! What’s yours?
Clone Goku: I’m Kaka Karrot Kake! Wanna be friends?
Adolf Hitler: Yeah!
Clone Goku: Let’s do the Kaka-Trot!
*Adolf Hitler and Clone Goku begin to dance while saying “cha cha cha” to themselves*
Al Capone: Freaks.
Cleopatra: They’re so similar it’s disgusting.
Darth Vader: I wouldn’t be surprised if they were the same…
Al Capone: Yeah…the fight musta worn out Mohawk man over there. Him and his lack of a brain.
*The scene cuts to Poe, Adam and Eve, with Adam and Eve making out while Poe asks them questions*
Edgar Allan Poe: Shall I add you to my list, of people who support me through this?
Adam: I’m kinda busy right now, Poe…
Edgar Allan Poe: I’ll take that as a no, you two disgusting hoes!
Eve: Sorry Poe, but I can’t see you passing this challenge…
Edgar Allan Poe: Well fuck you too, you make out freaks! Perhaps others would prefer to speak!
Adam: Yeah, you go do that.
(Confessional) Adam: Knowing how these shows work, the couples usually last the longest, while the freaks don’t stay long. So, Poe is out, me and Eve are in. Do you think they’d allow us to split the cash in a final two tie?
Cleopatra: Oh hi, Adam.
Adam: I’m kinda busy…
Cleopatra: Oh please.
*Cleopatra drags Adam off behind some trees*
Eve: Huh?
Cleopatra: Look, captain Smooth, this face munching has got to stop.
Adam: Lemme guess, you’re jealous?
Cleopatra: No, you moron! If you want your ass to stick around, you need to get your head out of her mouth and into the game!
Adam: But she said we’ll win, because couples always make it far!
Cleopatra: God dammit you moron, no! They’re the targets for the other competitors!
Adam: But Eve said-
Cleopatra: I said that the couples never make it far! Once they’re together, all they see is each other! You need to think for yourself and not with your dick!
*Eve walks close to the tree where Cleopatra and Adam are standing to hear what they’re discussing*
Cleopatra: If you want to win, you gotta listen to me and not her; she doesn’t know what she’s saying!
Adam: I’m not going behind her back and doing this…
Cleopatra: Trust me, she’s not right at all, and I can guarantee that you or her are barely going to make it through this challenge if at all. Why don’t you listen to me for once?
Adam: Because you’re not my girlfriend.
Cleopatra: Well what if I was?
Adam: I’d reconsider dating you.
Cleopatra: Why don’t you reconsider listening to Eve and her couple bullshit?
Adam: Maybe I will!, right after I reconsider listening to your sorry ass!
Cleopatra: My sorry ass? I’m not the one who lost to a scrawny pale kid in a fight!
Adam: At least I fought!
Eve (to herself): This won’t end, will it?
Cleopatra: Get your head out of your ass and listen!
Adam: Get the sand out of your vagina and stop trying to counsel me, snake tits!
(Confessional) Neil deGrasse Tyson: 
Cleopatra: Look, do you want to keep in the competition or no?      
Eve (to herself): I’ll just go wait by the stage…
*Eve walks off to the stage to see if anyone else supports her*
Adam: Yes! But you aren’t gonna be able to do anything about it!
Cleopatra: Oh, you wanna bet that? I bet you couldn’t last-
*Adam kisses Cleopatra out of nowhere, cutting her off mid-sentence*
Cleopatra: W-what?
Adam: You’re hot when you argue…
Cleopatra: That’s not what I meant by agree with me…
Adam: Well, you were just taunting me…
Cleopatra: I know I’m a sex symbol, but control yourself! You’re dating someone already!
Adam: Who? Weren’t you the one who told me to forget, right?
Cleopatra: I told you to forget what she told you about competition, nimrod!
Adam: Oh…
Cleopatra: Why don’t I go tell Eve right now?
Adam: NO!
Cleopatra: What could you possibly do to make me not go tell her?
Adam:…well, I’ll support you for the challenge…
Cleopatra: Please. I could tell them their wives supported me and they wouldn’t give a damn. You’re gonna have to do more than that.
Adam: Uh… I’ll throw the next challenge?
Cleopatra: Keep going…
Adam:…I’ll vote myself out…
Cleopatra: And let Goku kick your ass again?
Adam: That’s too much!
Cleopatra: Not enough for me to not tell Eve…
Adam: Fine.
(Confessional) Cleopatra: Now he’s gone no matter what.
*The scene transitions to Michael Jordan and Muhammad Ali standing by the stage discussing the challenge*
Michael Jordan: This is stupid.
Muhammad Ali: Yeah, I know!
Michael Jordan: We all know you’ll find no one to support you, so why are we doing this?
Muhammad Ali: Hey, asshole! We all know I’m gonna make it further than you!
Michael Jordan: Who’s “we”? You and the voices in your head who also told you that Tyson’s a genie?
Muhammad Ali: Don’t deny things you can’t prove!
Michael Jordan: Don’t believe things you can’t prove!
Edgar Allan Poe: Perhaps you two would like, to support me instead of fight?
Michael Jordan & Muhammad Ali: NO!
Edgar Allan Poe: Perhaps you guys should support each other; and make it to the final two with one another!
Michael Jordan: Ooh, I like that! Then I can kick his ass!
Muhammad Ali: Oh please!
Nice Peter (via intercom): Challenge time, for real!
 
Darth Vader
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Darth Vader: Anakin Skywalker, spoiler alert. I am a Sith Lord.
Barack Obama: Now, why should you, get the money? Why do you deserve it and, the others don't?
Darth Vader: Well, umm... My Death Star. It's in need of repairs. And if I win this...I can make the repairs. It's where all of my Stormtroopers reside, my entire army. If it goes into disrepair, it's going to mean an entire army is left homeless. And I'm certain you don't want an entire army of foreigners at your doorsteps begging to live in America.
Barack Obama: Uhhh, he has a point there. We don't want any foreigners coming over the borders.
Mitt Romney: Fuck foreigners!
Barack Obama: And now, ah...how did you, come to make it so far? 
Darth Vader: Well...manipulation, mostly. I'm a powerful leader. I mostly get others to do my work. But I am not afraid to get dirty when need be.
Mitt Romney: Then what have you done to get dirty?
Darth Vader: ...uhh...I moved some couches and beds around in the house when we were putting it together.
Barack Obama: ...and?
Darth Vader: ...as for who supports me, you can look to Al Capone, Cleopatra, and Adolf Hitler for that. They support me through these challenges.
Mitt Romney: Three people, not bad. That's almost as many wives as I have.
Barack Obama: You are dismissed. NEXT!
*Darth Vader fist pumps as he leaves.* 
 
Al Capone
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Al Capone: Wait, am I on trial? You fuckers lied to me!!
Barack Obama: No, ugh... Just give us your damn resume for why you should stay.
Al Capone: Oh, right. Well, I'm Al Capone, I'm a mobster criminal legend, and a hit with all the ladies. Why should I get the money? Well...I'm a very busy man. I already make a lot of money from doing dirty work. Making profits, selling things, the business.
But...I'm kind of in deep with debt at the moment, and I need the money to get out of it. For the good of the business, ya know? And if I go out of business, then I got people working for me that will, too, come on. And the last thing you want is us getting real jobs, because then that means other people will be getting pissed that their jobs are being taken up, plus less criminal work will put the coppers out of work as well, then they'll have ta get real jobs as well, and yadda yadda.
Barack Obama: He does make a strong argument. The last thing we want is more people without jobs. Or at least registered without jobs.
Mitt Romney: The last thing YOU want, considering it took you four years to drop the unemployment rate down below 8%.
Barack Obama: Now, what've you done so far to get you where you are today?
Al Capone: Did you even watch that western episode?
Mitt Romney: Oh, yeah. That was a WICKED awesome fight scene!
Barack Obama: Indeed it was. That alone is enough to get you further in, I'll say. But who supports you, ah, as you progress further in the game.
Al Capone: Cleopatra, Vader, Hitler...We're all big bad criminal legends, gotta be looking out for one another, Capisce?
Mitt Romney: Capisce. You're done here. NEXT!
 
Napoleon Dynamite
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Napoleon Dynamite: I'm Napoleon Dynamite, previously Master Chief, and I'm a high school student at Preston Senior High School.
Barack Obama: Now, tell us, nerd. Why do you deserve the money?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, at first, I didn't really know why myself. I guess I joined mainly because I wanted to seem really cool to people. Maybe if I made it far enough, I could've revealed myself then. I don't know. But right now, I do know. I want to win for Miley Cyrus. She was a wonderful, kind-hearted girl that had the best of intentions and always looked out for the rest of her team. Her cooking in that cooking challenge, looking so absolutely beautiful in the dress-up challenge, surviving as long as she did in the last challenge... She should've won. She didn't deserve to be voted off. And...I want to win for her.
Barack Obama: Wow. That is...very sickeningly sweet, Michelle would complain.
Mitt Romney: Gag me with a spoon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh, gosh. Shut up.
Mitt Romney: Whatever. What the fuck have you done throughout the process of this entire show?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, I've been the voice of reason, in a way. Been supportive of everyone on the team through tough times, both good and bad. Helped get my team far in the zombie challenge. And when it came time to revealing myself, I decided to go with it, even when I didn't want to. I'm not afraid to hold back. I may just be a nerd. I may be scrawny and weak. But I'm strong-willed, and that's what's going to get me through this game.
Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, bravo. Everyone is so proud of the nerd.
Barack Obama: You're an embarrassment to your people. Who do you have to support you?
Napoleon Dynamite: ...well...no one, really. It's hard being the scrawny nerd, really. But...I do know that if Miley Cyrus was still here, she'd support me. She'd support everyone. She was the only one to really warm up to me at all after getting revealed, and I can't thank her enough.
Barack Obama: Whatever, lover boy. NEXT!
 
Cleopatra
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Cleopatra: Cleopatra VII Philopator. I am the Queen of the Nile.
Barack Obama: I...can see that.
Mitt Romney: Obama, quit staring.
Barack Obama: *glares* Anyways... Why do you think you should win?
Cleopatra: Well...I'm rich. I've got lots of money already. However, there's that whole inflation ordeal and what not, so if I bring money from here back in time with me, just imagine how much more I'll have then. I could be like a goddess among man.
Mitt Romney: I like the way she thinks!
Barack Obama: Right. What have you done throughout your time here?
Cleopatra: Oh, SO much. I have been a huge part of moral support. I help people, give them suggestions, I just helped Adam with something dear to him, SO much. I am a huge part of this show and so many people love and support me.
Barack Obama: Hmm...you raise a good point, Cleopatra.
Mitt Romney: Obama, you are a married man!
Barack Obama: Shut. Up.
Mitt Romney: Speaking of people supporting you, can you name some?
Cleopatra: Of course! Darth Vader, Al Capone, that weird little Nazi guy, and Adam.
Barack Obama: A lot of people indeed... Good, good. That'll definitely help you. NEXT!
 
Clone Goku
Barack Obama: Weird…you’re not on the list…
Clone Goku: I’m magical!
Mitt Romney: Eh, let’s go with it. Sir, what’s your name, and occupation?
Clone Goku: I’m a carrot!
Barack Obama: Sure you are.
Clone Goku: I also worked with this Grillen guy…and we fought a refrigerator thing…and I think something about dragons…I want to win because it would make my pet monkey proud! Or is he my son? I really can’t tell, I’m bad with both…
Barack Obama: I can’t believe this thing was on the show.
Mitt Romney: It makes more sense when you realize he came in 20th.
Barack Obama: Out of what…24?
Mitt Romney: True…
Barack Obama: Next!
 
Edgar Allan Poe
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Edgar Allan Poe: Edgar Allan Poe. That  name, you should know it. As for what I do, I am but a poet.
Barack Obama: Are you going to do this your whole interview?
Edgar Allan Poe: Do what, I ask, Obama? I do not intend to start drama.
Barack Obama: Ugh...just...why do you think you should earn the money?
Edgar Allan Poe: Alas! Tis a question so curious. Do I want it for good? Or do I intend to be furious?
 While for good, as simple as can be, thou must know my intentions for the cash fee.
An answer so bold, yet so queer, for what be the answer to why I am here?
I give a simple nod, a tap to my chin. I intensely wrote it down with ink and pen.
For years, I have written, ideas so quick, dark and gory and-
Mitt Romney: WOW. Wow. Just wow. I have...no idea what the fuck you are saying. Shut up.
Barack Obama: Ugh...what have you done so far in your time here?
Edgar Allan Poe: My accomplishments, it is what you ask? I will say, at first, I hid behind a mask.
But then I came to open, my words so sharp! I wrote music, stood tall, and even did art!
My biggest accomplishment, a challenge I owned, was scoring three out! Palin, Joan, and Capone!
And others that I have done, were-
Mitt Romney: SHUT UP! UGH, I hate all this rhyming. I can't pay attention to half the stuff you're saying.
Barack Obama: People who support you. Who supports you? That can't be so hard, right?
Edgar Allan Poe: Ah, my competitors, there is too many to name! Vader, deGrasse, and everyone in the game!
But who stands by me? A question that lingers. I went to many, but each flipped me middle fingers.
So I only ponder who truly is there? I am but a many of an enigma, so lonely, so scared.
A shunned emo man, who knows no love! I look to the sky, but am even rejected from above!
I can only hope, as sad as it is true, that-
Barack Obama: NEXT!
 
Justin Bieber
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Justin Bieber: I'm Justin Bieber! I'm a pop singer from the cold, harsh lands of Canada.
Barack Obama: Right. And...why do you deserve the money? I mean, aren't you already rich and famous?
Justin Bieber: Oh, you'd think, but, as sad as it may be, I'm...fairly low on cash. I spend most of my money to charity, you see. And...my records don't sell fast enough for me to earn more so I can donate that as well, so I was hoping by applying for this wonderful game, I could get just that much more that I need, then hopefully donate it all to some poor orphanage or towards the homeless. You know, people that truly need it, not me. I need none of this money, and do not wish for any of it, but only to give it to those that to need it.
Mitt Romney: Wow, that it...actually pretty heartwarming.
Barack Obama: Now...what have you done throughout this game?
Justin Bieber: A remarkable amount. I've helped win multiple challenges, such as that zombie challenge, the cooking challenge, and that dress-up challenge. I mean, I've had a few bad moments, such as being the first out in both the old west challenge and the disaster challenge just before, but what can I say? People seem to just have it out for the good guys.
Barack Obama: Sad, but true. Now, lastly, who supports you in this game?
Justin Bieber: Well, like I said, people have it out for the good guys. Just look at Napoleon Dynamite. He has a good soul inside. And everyone walks all over him. I tried to open up to him, but he seemed so afraid and closed me off... So I have no one that supports me. But I still worked hard to help my team regardless, and I'll help others towards winning that money, as I'm sure they all need it just as much as the homeless and orphans do, right?
Mitt Romney: Of course, we understand.
Barack Obama: NEXT!
 
Adolf Hitler
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Adolf Hitler: Is this thing on? Helloooo?
Mitt Romney: Yes, yes, it's on. Shut up and answer the question.
Adolf Hitler: Oh, right. Uhh... I'm Adolf Hitler! Hiii! Occupation? Well...I'm a world leader! I rule the world! ...no, wait. I rule Germany. Yeah. I'm the Fuhrer!
Barack Obama: Uhhh... Right. Now...what are you here for? Why do you think you deserve the money?
Adolf Hitler: Uhhhhhhhh...
*glances off stage to Darth Vader, who just gives him a thumbs-up*
Weelll...I...need...money for, uhh...war stuff. No, not war stuff! I'm not trying to start a war, no. Ahahah. I swear, all of it is for...good intentions. No wars. No deaths. Also the Holocaust wasn't real, I swear to god.
Mitt Romney: *glances suspiciously over at Barack Obama* Riiiight... Now, what've you done in your time here?
Adolf Hitler: Oh, a ton of things! I shot my own friend out in the cowboy episode, I shoved another guy in front of a barrel so I wouldn't get hit, got shot out by a robot  in the zombie episode, I knocked out a boxer in the fighting challenge with just my Seig Heil salute, and just recently I stood on top of a building for the whole challenge without getting out and eventually won it for my team before eventually slipping off and plummeting down to the mattresses below.
Barack Obama: ...and, uhhh...who do you think supports you?
Adolf Hitler: Oh, easy. There's... Alex, uuhhh...Clementine...and Bart Baker! ...I think.
Barack Obama: ...NEXT!
 
Adam
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Adam: I'm Adam, and...I guess my occupation is...being the first man alive? I don't know...
Barack Obama: An adult married man with no job?
Adam: Umm...I'm not married. ...or an adult...
Mitt Romney: Wait, how the hell old is everyone here?
Barack Obama: Oh, who cares? Anyways, why do you deserve to get the money and not Eve?
Adam: Oh, no, don't get me wrong. I'm in this FOR Eve. I fell in love with her the moment we met within the Garden of Eden, and, well...I had hoped to join this game to impress her and win her over. Then...I did! We're in love now! So, we're just hoping to make it to the final 2, and then split the prize money.
Mitt Romney: So, wait, you don't have a job?
Barack Obama: Shut up. Anyways, what've you done since you got here? 
Adam: Well, I think we can all agree that one of my shining moments since my first time here was hitting Goku hard in his Dragon Balls, shot out Cleopatra in the western challenge, and as of the last challenge, I...began dating the love of my life, Eve.
Barack Obama: How cute.
Mitt Romney: Who all supports you?
Adam: Well, Eve, of course, and Cleopatra.
Mitt Romney: Cleopatra? Lot of people she's supporting. Must really get around.
Barack Obama: Well, obviously. It's Cleopatra. Anyhow...NEXT!
 
Eve
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Eve: I'm Eve, and my occupation being the first woman alive? I don't know. I usually work out in the fields of the Garden of Eden while Adam hangs out with his 'boyfriend', Steve.
Mitt Romney: Ew, your boyfriend is gay?
Eve: No, I meant...never mind.
Barack Obama: What're your goals with the money if you make it to the end of this game?
Eve: Well, at first, I was aiming to earn the money for myself, to prove I'm an independent woman. I'm strong-willed, fierce, and determined. Then...I fell in love with Adam. He may not be the smartest guy, but he's smart where it counts; in his heart..
Barack Obama: That is the cheesiest thing I've ever heard. And I've run against this cheesecake over here!
Mitt Romney: Fuck off. Anyways, what've you done in your time here?
Eve: Well, at first, I was the object of Goku's...obscure affections. Ugh. Still get shivers thinking about that. Then I punched Michael Jordan hard enough for him to vomit. And man, did I help nail the acting challenge! The dress was uncomfortable, but I'm really proud that I managed to help win our team with that one. Then I helped Bob Ross in getting Napoleon Dynamite ready for the dress up challenge which we ultimately won!
Mitt Romney: Did you guys only win that challenge because Mr.-
Eve: We won.
Barack Obama: Any case. Who supports you?
Eve: Adam. ...and...ugh...Cleopatra, apparently.
Barack Obama: Interesting...you seemed hesitant on Cleopatra...NEXT!!
           
Michael Jordan
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Michael Jordan: Michael Jordan, duh! Legendary basketball player. My main man Barack knows, right?
Barack Obama: Right back atcha. Now, playa, why-
Mitt Romney: Please don't tell me you're going to be talking like that throughout this whole interview.
Barack Obama: ...ahem...why are you here? Why do you want to obtain the money?
Michael Jordan: Sponsors, mostly. They're going down. I'm becoming old news, man. I need more money to help get myself out there more! People ain't payin' attention to me, and I ain't gonna stand for that.
Mitt Romney: I know how that feels, quickly being forgotten... Now, what've you done in your time here?
Michael Jordan: I've been showing Muhammad Ali who's boss, what's up! I've been owning his ass since day one of this game.
Mitt Romney: How about stuff we actually give a shit about?
Michael Jordan: Well, in that barrel challenge, I used my epic basketball skills to knock Kanye the fuck out! That shit was more epic than Al Capone's showdown! Speaking of which, while we may not have won that Western shit, Ali and I survived the longest of our team in that. Can't tell me that wasn't boss. Not to mention I've been setting that Ali idiot straight ever since he went insane thinking Tyson is psychic.
Barack Obama: Interesting. You...haven't done much, basically.
Michael Jordan: Were you not listening?! I've been owning this game!
Mitt Romney: If that's so, then who supports you?
Michael Jordan: Muhammad Ali, of course. While we may not agree on much, we've agreed to support each other to the final 2, where I can then kick his ass all over the place.
Mitt Romney: Riiiight.
Barack Obama: NEXT!!!
 
Muhammad Ali
Mitt Romney: Name and occupation?
Muhammad Ali: Muhammad Ali! The world's greatest boxing legend.
Barack Obama: Isn't the world's greatest boxer Filipino or something?
Muhammad Ali: I ain't Filipino!
Mitt Romney: Whatever. So, why're you here? Why do you think you deserve to win?
Muhammad Ali: Well...it's money. Why would I not want more money?
Mitt Romney: Yes! I like this guy already. Free pass from me.
Barack Obama: Ugh...any other reason?
Muhammad Ali: ...no, I just like money. Oh, and because Jordan sucks. He shouldn't win. So I'm gonna win instead.
Mitt Romney: Wanting money for the sake of wanting money and having the goal of wanting to kick someone else's ass in the process? We're best friends now.
Barack Obama: You're an idiot. Now, what've you done in your time here?
Muhammad Ali: Well, in the bridge episode, I kicked some serious ass! I owned those monsters like it was nothing! Then I helped carry some stuff into the houses during that challenge, that was cool.
Mitt Romney: You also got your ass handed to you by a Nazi.
Muhammad Ali: The dude cheated!
Mitt Romney: Riiight. Now, who here supports you in the game.
Muhammad Ali: Michael Jordan, of course. While we may not agree on much, we've agreed to support each other to the final 2, where I can then kick his ass all over the place.
Mitt Romney: Riiiight.
Barack Obama: And…we’re through.
*The scene transitions to the elimination ceremony, where Peter is standing with Obama and Romney*
Nice Peter: So, instead of the normal votes, we’re having these two monkeys tell you who they decided won’t keep going.
Barack Obama: Thank you. Now…we two Americans have…discussed this for a while, and we think we know what’s best for…this show.
Mitt Romney: In the end, it came down to carrot guy and Nazi over here.
Barack Obama: However, since…carrot guy, isn’t even competing….we had only one choice.
Mitt Romney: That choice was Nazi guy.
Adolf Hitler: Yeah, Bieber! Sucks for you!
Justin Bieber: I’m not a Nazi, nor would I want to be. He means you, dickstache.
Darth Vader: I’m sure it would be fine if we lost Bieber instead, right?
Nice Peter: Actually, we’ve been bugged in general to get him off the show. Parents are complaining about how we have a Nazi on their children’s show…bullshit.
*Hulk Hogan grabs Hitler and pulls him down to the docks*
Adolf Hitler: I am Adolf Hitler!
*Cleopatra glares at Adam*
Adam: There’s always next time…
Eve: Next time for what?
*The scene cuts to Hulk Hogan at the dock, putting Adolf Hitler in a barrel and punting it into the water, only for it to sink, while air bubbles are released from the lid*
Hulk Hogan: Oops…
EpicLLOYD: Today was…boring as fuck. In the end, Hitler’s gone, and that’s sure to shut up the rednecks, stay at home moms and overeager Nazis watching…well, tomorrow may or may not have something in store, but in the end, we still have things to question. Will Adam stick to his promise? Will Jordan and Ali ever settle their differences? Will Hulk Hogan ever stop killing people on accident?
Hulk Hogan: I’m sure he’s okay…
*Hitler’s clothes float to the surface*
Hulk Hogan: Oh god, that’s…something…
EpicLLOYD: Tune in some point to find out on Total Drama ERB!
*the scene transitions to Darth Vader in a confessional*
(Confessional) Darth Vader: God dammit…he’s gone…Now I’m stuck. How the hell will I last if my only adversary is gone? Playing dirty, that’s how. Time to make them PAY. With their lives, if I have to. They will regret getting rid of my pawn. It’s time to paint them a picture as to why you should NOT get on Vader’s bad side. Let’s just hope they didn’t put him in saltwater...
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script