Take My Wife, Sleaze/Quotes

: "Guinness Records" Host: Tonight, on Guinness Book of World Records, a man who holds the current record for least amount of faces, with none!
:Faceless Man: Help me!
: "Guinness Records" Host: You'll also see the world's smelliest tumor! 
:Lisa: Ew! These records used to be real accomplishments, now they're just gross.
: "Guinness Records" Host: Plus, you'll meet a dog who can't predict anything. [The dog looks at the camera with confusion]
: "Guinness Records" Host: Then, three other things! [Spinning prop card with the number 3] 
: "Guinness Records" Host: When we come back, we'll show you the contents of a supermodel's stomach. [The host turns on an X-ray machine which a supermodel is standing behind]
:Homer: What an age we live in. 
:Marge: Oh, look at all that Sweet 'N Low. 
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:Chief Wiggum: "Hell's Satans", huh? I'm watching you punks!
:Homer: Can't hassle us, pig; we're going the speed limit! Oink, oink, oink! 
:[Homer, Moe, Lenny and Carl laugh derisively at Chief Wiggum]
:Moe: Yeah!
:Carl: Oink, oink, oink!
:Chief Wiggum: You'll make a mistake someday, and then you're going straight to juvie! 
:Homer: You can lock us away, but you'll never defeat the Cobras!
:Chief Wiggum: "The Cobras"? I thought you were the "Hell's Satans".
:Homer: Well, uh... Oink, oink, oink, oink! 
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:[Meathook rides his motorcycle up the Simpsons' stairway, breaking into Homer's and Marge's bedroom]
:Meathook: We're the "Hell's Satans" out of Bakersfield! 
:Homer: You're the Hell's Satans? What a fun coincidence! My gang's name is also the--
:Meathook: Shut up! 
:[Meathook yanks Homer by his top hairs]
:Meathook: You stole our club name! 
:Ramrod: According to our by-laws, we've got to stomp you.
:[Homer gasps in terror] 
:Meathook: Take off that jacket, man! 
:Homer: Okay.
:[Meathook pulls out a switchblade knife and fork]
:Meathook: Now, eat it.
:Homer: All right.
:[Homer starts eating his jacket]
:Ramrod: Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please.
:[Homer finishes the last of the jacket]
:Homer: Done. 
:Marge: Okay, Meathook, I think he learned his lesson.
:Meathook: Aw, man.
:[Homer has just put on a sweatshirt with "Hell's Satans" on it]
:Meathook: Now you got to eat that, too.
:Homer: Ohhh!
:Ramrod: You got anything else with our logo on it? 
:Homer: Caps and frisbees, sir.
:Meathook: You got to eat them, too!
:Homer: And some pogs.
----
:[Homer is tossing pennies against the Kwik-E-Mart; one of them rolls into the gutter]
:Homer: Oh, how can I be down a thousand bucks?
:Apu: Get away from my store, you young hoodlums!
:Homer: And what if we don't, pops? 
:[Apu takes a broom and chases Homer and his other Hell's Satans away from the Kwik-E-Mart]
:Lenny: He's got a broom!
:Carl: Let's get out of here! 
:Moe: Forget the pennies! Go, go! 
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:[Marge puts pans under the motorcycles and bikers to catch their motor oil and tobacco spittle]
:Marge: I think it's great you've chosen to "crash" here, but do you have to be so messy?
:Ramrod: Yeah, it's part of being a low-life. [Ramrod spits tobacco juice at the living room window]
:Marge: Ugh...
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:Marge [in bed with Homer]: Will you turn that engine off? 
:Homer: Quiet, Marge, the motorcycle and I are trying to sleep. [Homer turns to his motorcycle which revs its idle engine] 
:Homer: I know, I know, just tune her out. 
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:[Ramrod cuts into a box of Lucky Charms with a knife, while Meathook breaks some eggs into a toaster]
:Marge: Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast. 
:Meathook: I'd kill for some waffles!
:Ramrod: He has. Remember the IHOP in Oakland? 
:[Meathook and Ramrod laugh loudly]
----
:[Bart is humming an indistinct tune while Homer's giving him a shower from the garden hose]
:Bart: Hey, hey! That's a leave-in conditioner!
:Homer: You're done, next!
:Lisa [shivering]: Dad, I'm tired of bathing in the yard. Plus, I think Rod and Todd are watching. 
:Rod: No, we're not! [Rod and Todd pull down the window shade]
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:Meathook: We both knew it'd come to this.
:Homer: You and me, chopper to chopper. [Homer and Meathook fight each other with motorcycles in the Circle of Death]
:Meathook: You know what I'm going to do after I kill you? Take your wallet!
:Homer: Never! It was a gift from Newsweek! 
:Marge: Homer! [Marge tosses another motorcycle up to Homer]
:Homer: Give me back my wife!
:Meathook: Okay, okay, you win! [Homer helps Meathook up to his feet] I don't blame you for wanting her back so bad. A woman like that only comes along once every couple of miles.
:Marge: Ohhh...
:Meathook: Hey, can we at least keep her til the orgy in San Berdoo? 
:Homer: What do you say, honey?
:Marge [disgustedly]: No-oo!
:Homer: No dice!
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:Homer [walks into a trashed living room]: Okay bikers, that's it! Benjamin Franklin once said that house guests are like fish that... Huh? They're gone, woo-hoo! 
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:Homer: When those bikers saw that hard look in my eye -- you know that hard look I get sometimes -- and they ran away like school girls with their tails between their legs! [Homer does a high-pitcher imitation of a girl's voice] Oooh, hee-hoo-hoo, hee-hee-hee-hoo! 
:Bart: Way to go, Dad! Hey, where's the food? 
:Lisa: And why aren't I at school? 
:Homer: Yeah, someone really dropped the ball here. Marge? Ma-arge? 
:Lisa: Dad, there's a note on the back of your head. 
:Homer: Really? Read it.
:Bart [pulls and reads the note pinned to the back of Homer's head]: "Thanks for letting us crash in your pad. We had a very nice time."
:Homer: Aww, that's sweet.
:Bart: "P.S.: We've taken your old lady."
:Homer: D'oh!
----
:Marge: And when you get a job interview, try not to call your employer a punk... or a skank.
:Meathook: Makes sense.
:Ramrod: Ohhh, don't call them skanks.
:Meathook [breaks his pencil's point]: Uh, Miss Simpson, I killed my pencil.
:Marge: Broke; you broke your pencil. 
:Meathook: I... broke him.
:Marge: That's right. And what else have you learned?
:Ramrod: Ooh, ooh, that, um... violence is wrong.
:Marge: Excellent, Ramrod. Civilized people solve their disputes with words. 
:[Homer jumps out from behind a bush, screaming and hitting the Hell's Satans]
:Marge: Homer, stop! No, you don't understand!
:Meathook: Marge? What do we do here, Marge? He's using violence!
:Marge: Talk to him, use your words. 
:Meathook: Homer, Homer, stop it. We've given up our violent ways. We just want to live peacefully... with your wife.
:Homer: No! My wife is not a doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever! 
:Marge: Oh, Homey. 
----
:Bart [at Jay North's autograph table]: Dennis the Menace?
:Jay North: Yes, I was America's bad boy. I once hid my dad's hat. [chuckles]
:Bart [unimpressed]: Uh-huh.
:Jay North: And another time, I accidentally stepped in Mr. Wilson's flower bed. [chuckles]
:Jay North: That was a two-part episode. [chuckles]
:Bart: I have to go. 
----
:Marge: Could you at least tell me what you're planning to with me?
:Meathook: Oh, don't worry, you're completely safe. None of us finds you sexually attractive. 
:Marge: None of you? Really? I could have sworn that Ramrod... [Ramrod shakes his head in denial] 
:Marge: Hm. Well, did you see that picture of me in... [The Hell's Satans silently nod]
:Marge: And you still don't... [The Hell's Satans shake their heads in a "no" gesture] 
:Meathook: Sorry.
:Marge: Hm. Well... good, I guess.
----
:Homer [secretly talking on a phone while hiding in the living room closet]: Hello, police, can you send a S.W.A.T. team to 742 Evergreen--
:Chief Wiggum: Forget it, Simpson! Those pig noises you made really hurt my feelings... looking like a pig as I do. 
:But you have so much inner beauty.
:Chief Wiggum: Well, um, be that as it may, um, the gang is wanted in eight other states and we have a little saying around here: "Let Michigan handle it". 
----
:Meathook: All right, Satans, we roll out at dawn!
:Marge: Where are we going?
:Meathook: To the Bikers' Jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke's coming, and we're going to jump him.
:Marge: You know, there's more to life than boozing and rough-housing.
:[The rest of the Hell's Satans look at each other with a look of confusion and surprise]
:Marge: Haven't any of you ever had a dream?
:Ramrod: Yeah, I had a dream; I was in this beautiful garden, pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper and then...
:Marge: No, no, I mean a dream of a good job, a loving family, and a home in the suburbs.
:Meathook: Oh, man! To get all that, you'd have to kill like, 50 people!
:Marge: No, you don't have to kill anyone, not if you have jobs; and the first step is an eye-catching "re-zoo-MAY".
:Ramrod: No, I believe it's pronounced "REH-zoo-may."
:Meathook: Actually, both are acceptable.
----
:Homer: Now don't worry, I'm going to search high and low for your mother; but just in case I don't find her, I want you to contact this agency. [Homer hands Lisa a flyer] 
:Lisa: "Korean love brides"? 
:Homer: I just don't want to be alone.
----
:Marge: Good-bye, everybody!
:Biker 1: Bye, Mrs. Simpson!
:Biker 2: Bye, Mrs. Simpson.
:Meathook: Good-bye, Marge.
:Ramrod: Bye-bye, Mrs. S.
:Meathook: We'll stop at the nearest town and mail our "re-su-mays".
:Ramrod: "Re-su-mays", it still sounds weird to me!
----
:Homer: You know, if you want to be in the gang, eventually you're going to have to get motorcycles.
:Lenny: Yeah, we know.
:Ned Flanders: Hey Homer, can I join? 
:Homer: This gang's for rebels, Flanders, not conformos.
:Moe: Yeah.
:Carl: That's right.
:Lenny: Buzz off. 
:Ned: Well, if I were a member, we could use my rumpus room as our lair. 
:Moe: That guy just don't get it, do he? 
:Ned: My rumpus room with the... new bumper pool table? 
:Moe: Bumper pool? 
:Carl: You're kidding me! 
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:[last lines]
:Marge [Homer pulls up with Marge on his motorcycle, and stops in front of Poppa Wheelie's]: Why are we stopping here?
:Homer: Taking care of some unfinished business. [Homer enters Poppa Wheelie's]
:Poppa Wheelie's customer: Hey!
:Homer [walks out with a stolen keg of Duff under his arm]: Go, go, go!
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:Ramrod [eating a stack of waffles]: Hey, this is a lot better than that rancid filth we find in the dumpsters.
:Marge: Thank you, Ramrod. 
:Meathook: Marge, how did you get my jacket so clean? I've tried everything to get those blood and puke stains out: I've tried hitting them, I've tried yelling at them...
:Marge: All it takes is the right cleanser and a little elbow grease. 
:Ramrod: Do you have anything that will get this emblem back on my jacket? I tried spitting at it, you know...
:Marge: Just put it on my sewing pile. 
:Marge [singsong voice]: Okay, I'm doing another load of bandannas! [The "Hell's Satans" toss their bandannas into Marge's laundry basket]
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:Rev. Lovejoy: The sermon today is on John 4:13-- [Homer revs his motorcycle in church]
:Rev. Lovejoy: I think it was Jesus-- [Homer continues to rev his motorcycle]
:Rev. Lovejoy: Who said: "Blessed are those"-- [Homer revs up once more]
:Rev. Lovejoy [closes his Bible] Oh, the heck with it, church dismissed!
:[The congregation cheers as they leave the church and Lovejoy walks away from his pulpit]
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:Service station attendant: Yeah, I did see some bikers ride by here with a blue-haired woman about ten minutes ago. Said they were going to spend the night at Crystal Lake campground, section "K", space 217. I'm sorry I can't be of any more help. 
:Homer: I guess I'll never find her. [Homer rides away on his Harley] 
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:[inside Flanders' "rumpus room"]
:Homer: The first meeting of "Hell's Satans" is called to order. 
:Ned: I move we reconsider our club name-- make it something a little less blasphemous. After all, we don't want to go to hell.
:Lenny: How about the "Devil's Pals"? 
:Ned: No.
:Moe: Or the "Christ Punchers"? 
:Ned: I don't think you understand my objection. 
:Homer: I'm the president, and the decision is mine: we're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets. [Homer tosses jackets with "Hell's Satans" to Lenny, Carl, and Moe] 
:Lenny: Ooh, machine wash warm. 
:Carl: Tumble dry, ooh-la-la. 
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:NRBQ [singing]: Well, look here, baby...
:Homer [enters Poppa Wheelie's]: Excuse me, has anyone seen a woman wearing...
:[Homer breaks a beer mug]
:Homer: That's more like it. I'm looking for-- [Homer gets hit from behind with a pool cue]
:[Homer comes to outside of Poppa Wheelie's]
:Homer: Mm-mmph, I'll show you! 
:Homer [taps a spoon on a beer mug]: Ahem. Okay, we kind of got off on the wrong foot there. Long story short: my "old lady" was...
:Homer [comes to outside of Poppa Wheelie's again]: Wha... Who the... Mm-mm, some people never learn. 
:Homer [walks back into Poppa Wheelie's]: Ow!
----
:Lisa [reading the 50's themed menu]: "Allen Ginsbergers"? "Un-American cheese sandwich"? "Polio dogs"? 
:Marge: It's clever how the names remind you of the '50s, and at the same time tell you what there is to eat. 
:Homer [pulling napkins from a dispenser]: Wow, look at this old-timey gizmo! [Homer giggles and laughs]
:Homer: I feel like I've gone back in a time machine! 
:Lisa: Dad, they have those everywhere.
:Homer: What an age we live in! 
----
:Meathook [to Homer]: There's only one reasonable way to settle this -- you and me, in the circle of death.
:Marge: Oh, I just swept the circle of death!
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:Wolfguy Jack: Well, well, well, I've never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well-being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle. [the crowd applauds]
:Homer: Woo-hoo! 
:Bart: Woo, woo! 
:Homer: It's mine. Finally, I've won the respect of my fellow m-- [Apu and Skinner try to get a closer look] Get away from it! 
:Wolfguy Jack: Okay hep-cats, let's twirl some more platters at Greaser's Cafe, where the '50s are never going away.
:[Three days later, Wolfguy Jack is nailing an "Out of Business" sign on the now-closed Greaser's Cafe]
:Wolfguy Jack: Well, that dream is over. At least we still have each other, right, honey? Honey? [Wolfguy Jack's girlfriend has left him standing alone in the rain, outside the closed-down Greaser's Cafe; Wolfguy lets out a lonely, coyote-like howl of despair, then coughs]
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:Grampa: California, here we come!
:Marge: It's not a real car, Grampa.
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:[Apu has just chased Homer's biker gang away with a broom.]
:Manjula: You promised me no more brooms.
:Apu: I know that is not your way, but we're in America now.
----
:Wolfguy Jack: Hey, hey, set your socks on hop and your tutti to frutti! Here we go with "Mental House Rock", by Johnny Bobby!
:Johnny Bobby: Doctors threw a party at the loony bin, You gotta be crazy if you want to get in,
:Napoleon is playing his imaginary sax,
:The dance floor's filling up with maniacs!
:Let's rock. Do the Mental House rock!
:Let's rock. Do the Mental House rock!
:If you won't dance with the Doc,
:He'll give you electro shock!
:If you won't dance with the Doc,
:He'll give you electro shock!
:Slam! slam! slam!
----
:Bart: [reading the note from the biker gang] "We had a good time crashing at your pad."
:Homer: Awwww.
:Bart: "PS: We've taken your old lady."
:Homer: D'oh!
----
:[During a tv commercial]
:Wolfguy Jack: Hey, remember the 50's? Remember television, Coca-Cola, and Dick Clark?
:Homer: [gasps] I remember television!
:Wolfguy Jack: Come join me, Wolfguy Jack, at Greaser's Café, where it's 1955 every day of the year, baby.
:TV Disclaimer Man: Actual year may vary. Consult calendar for current year.
:Marge: A '50s style restaurant.
:Lisa: What a neat idea!
:Bart: Why don't we eat there tonight?
:Homer: Ahh, we'll go there next month.
----
:Mrs. Krabappel: All right, class, today we'll be sitting quietly in the dark because teacher has a hangover. [she tries to close a window shade, but it rolls back up with a loud snap; then the roar of a motorcycle engine can be heard] Ugh... like a chainsaw in my head!
:[Homer and Bart ride into the classroom, coming to a stop after knocking over Martin's desk. Bart hops off the bike and sits at his desk]
:Bart: Later, Homer. 
:Nelson: Sweet hog, Mr. Simpson.
:Homer: Remember to rebel against authority, kids! [drives off]
:Principal Skinner: [over the intercom] Don't listen to him, children.
:Milhouse: But we already did. Now I can't get it out of my head!
:[Nelson whacks him with a book]
:Mrs. Krabappel: Thank you, Nelson.
----
:Wolfguy Jack [howls into the microphone, then makes a throat-clearing cough]: Aw, man, oh my throat doctor says I'm not supposed to do that any more. 
:Wolfguy Jack: Okay, is everybody ready for our nightly dance contest?
:Marge: Dancing?
:Homer: Oh no, you're not getting me on that dance floor. Don't try and make me!
:Homer: [Homer shakes his fist at Marge with a threatening tone of voice]: If I have to get a divorce, I will. 
:Wolfguy Jack: Our grand prize tonight is a vintage 1955 Harley-Davidson motorcycle! 
:Homer [gasps]: Ooh, I need a dance partner! 
:Homer [turns and points to Marge]: What about you?
:Marge: Okay, daddy-o! 
----
:[While Homer watches a movie on television]
:TV Mother: Oh, I don't know what's the matter with Jimmy. He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger, and he comes home every night with other peoples' blood on his shirt.
:TV Father: He's a rebel, I tell you, a rebel without a cause. Just like that boy in that popular movie we saw.
----
:Homer: A gang. That's the answer!
:Lisa: Answer to what?
:Homer: Hey, don't make me hassle you, Lisa.
----
:[Homer makes vrooming and tire-screeching noises while on his motorcycle]
:Bart: Man, you're bending the hell out of that kickstand, Dad! Why don't you just take it for a ride?
:Homer: Promise you won't laugh?
:Bart: Yeah, I promise.
:Homer [worriedly]: I don't know how.
:Bart [laughs]: You're kidding, huh? 
:[Bart continues to laugh at Homer; later in the evening]
:Bart [laughs]: You don't know how... [Bart resumes laughing at Homer; the laughter continues to the next morning]
:Homer: Will you teach me? 
:Bart [chuckles]: Of course. 
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