The Sponge Who Shagged Me

The Sponge Who Shagged Me is DanzxvFan8275's seventh entry of Spin Off Kings Season Two. It is also the seventh archive of File 1 of I Simp For Juicy Titties. It was released on May 31, 2020.
==Transcript==
[episode begins with Squidward at his post at the Krusty Krab. He’s looking at himself with a mini mirror, disgusted by his life]
Squidward: Man, am I a failure. [cuts to mirror] Get ahold of yourself, Squiddy! You can still follow up on your dreams, even if you work at a fast food dump. It can’t be that hard- [Squilliam walks up to the counter]
Squilliam: Still wallowing in your shame, ey, Squidward? [Squidward drops his mirror in shock]
Squidward: Squilliam Fancyson?! My insanely wealthy and good-looking archrival? What- what are you doing here? I thought you hated greasy establishments?
Squilliam: Oh, don’t worry, Squiddy, I sure do. [chuckles] I just came here to brag about my many industry secrets.
Squidward: The unibrow? [points to Squilliam’s forehead]
Squilliam: Pfft, you wish. I’m 50x the musician you are, with all the more money and notoriety! But you can’t even pass an audition. [slaps Squidward’s nose] What do you have?
Squidward: [sweating] I have access to the most beloved recipe in Bikini Bottom! [swinging fist]
Squilliam: [leans in] Is it the *Krabby Patty?* A *burger recipe?*
Squidward: Well… um…
Squilliam: [laughs] Pathetic! I wouldn’t sink anywhere close to as low just to know a fast food recipe. [laughs out while scrunching his nose in laughter] Good riddance, Squidcakes! [slams door; as it cuts to Squidward who is literally boiling red. Literal fumes start bursting out of his ears]
Squidward: Why does Squilliam always have to rub his talent in my face? And why can’t I just know the secret to a bit of his success? It’s what Bernie always wanted, redistribution of talent! [SpongeBob peers out from the kitchen]
SpongeBob: Correction, Squidward, but Bernie wants redistribution of wealth, which is something that you could also get from Squilliam.
Squidward: Whatever, I just want a piece of that talent, money, and… [cheeks get rosy] that unibrow. If only I could just take some of his skill, I’ll be golden!
SpongeBob: Usually I wouldn’t suggest this, but why don’t you just break into his mansion?
Squidward: I couldn’t do that! The place is heavily guarded. [jumps up in thought] Wait a second… SpongeBob! [runs into the kitchen] Would you like to do it for me?
SpongeBob: You mean like… spy on him? [joyful] That sounds great!
Squidward: I’ll even pay you with whatever money you take.
[Eugene bursts in]
Eugene: Did someone say money?!
SpongeBob: It’s amazing, Mr. Krabs! I’m gonna be a SPY!
Eugene: Yes, you’ve spied for me before. No one cares! I just need the money you’re talking about.
Squidward: Mr. Krabs - and I say this on behalf of everyone here - please, fuck off.
Eugene: [sheds a tear] ...fine. [walks out in shame as the two finish their talk]
Squidward: So uh, yeah, I need you to infiltrate his mansion, spy on his actions, and report back to me with all the juicy details.
SpongeBob: Got it! But first, I’ll need the help of an experienced spy.
[cuts to Sandy’s treedome. Sandy is getting a massage by Larry when SpongeBob walks in]
SpongeBob: Hey Sandy, I need- uh, bad timing? [Larry looks back and hides the cream]
Larry: Um, no, I was actually… uh… on my way out… [drops cream and sprints out of the treedome]
Sandy: Damn it, SpongeBob! What do you need? And why did you have to come now?
SpongeBob: [blushes] Sorry, Sandy. It’s just that I’ve always found you as the femme fatale type, and I have some spy work to do.
Sandy: Hm. [leans in as the treedome grows darker] Elaborate.
SpongeBob: I need to gain information about a Mr. Squilliam Fancyson. [lighting a cigarette] He holds many industry secrets that my client, Mr. Squidward Tentacles, is envious of.
Sandy: Well, sounds like he just needs to be self-sufficient. [digs in bag] But if you really think this is the way to go, then I have [puts weapons and gear on table] several gadgets that could assist us on this heist.
SpongeBob: Uh…
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: ...I don’t know how any of these work.
Sandy: [deadpan] Let me run you down. [camera hovers over the table] I have a shrink ray, a laser crayon, jetpacks disguised as drawstring bags, a camouflager, earpieces, earcameras, and ear knockout rays.
SpongeBob: Too many ear gadgets, don’t you think?
Sandy: I also have ear enlargement pills.
SpongeBob: ….I see. Well, what do you say?
Sandy: I say we go kick some billionaire butt!
[SpongeBob and Sandy put black spy gear on, overlapping their gear with the suit. It then cuts to Squilliam’s mansion, where Squilliam is being served dinner by his butler]
Squilliam: Ah, so what type of elegant cuisine do we have today, Horace?
Horace: [pulls cover off] An ostrich egg served on mix greens.
Squilliam: Oh, I see, quite marvelous. [takes money out of his pocket and stuffs it in the butler’s suit] Buy yourself something nice, will ya?
Horace: [chuckles] Thank you, sir.
[cuts to the outside where Sandy and SpongeBob are appearing from each side of a scope, each of them holding up a weapon while overlapped with James Bond music. SpongeBob then giggles.]
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick. Shoot us over there. [points to backyard as it cuts to Patrick holding a straw]
Patrick: Sure thing, buddy! [shoots a spitball that carries a shrunken SpongeBob and Sandy near a bush next to the mansion. SpongeBob and Sandy then get up and wipe the spit off of them]
Sandy: Alright, back to normal size. [hits the ray which brings them back to normal] So, should I go in and charm him with my luscious looks. [puts a finger to her lips]
SpongeBob: [slaps Sandy] Shh! We gotta sneak in.
Sandy: Oh, right.
[SpongeBob throws a ladder on top of the mansion; both of them make their way to the top]
SpongeBob: Okay, where do we go?
Sandy: [visibly anxious] We have to lay low. Look! [points over to see a guard pacing the roof with a gun in his hands. SpongeBob and Sandy hide behind a vent.]
SpongeBob: What do we do?
Sandy: The same thing we were originally gonna do. Watch. [takes out laser pencil] See this? [turns it around so the eraser side faces the guard] Well, it’s also… a… gun! [shoots it at the guard, which misses by about a foot]
Guard: Hey! [shoots bullets in their direction, but they all dodge them in a Matrix style]
Sandy: SpongeBob, hit him with the knockout ray! [SpongeBob blasts him, which knocks him out pushes him off of the edge of the mansion]
SpongeBob: Close call.
Sandy: You did good, though. [winks at him as SpongeBob blushes]
[they make their way over to a vent, which Sandy dismantles with the laser pencil. Both of them crawl through the ventilation until they get to another vent above Squilliam’s kitchen]
SpongeBob: Okay, time for our spy skills to come into play! What do we do?
Sandy: We have to listen in. [adjusts both earpieces] Use this to listen to Squilliam’s conversation.
SpongeBob: Roger that.
Sandy: My name’s Sandy. [adjusts earpiece and starts to listen to Squilliam’s conversation on the phone]
Squilliam: Ah, Squidrick, how’s it going?
Squidrick: Pretty nice, Squilly Boy. You ready for tonight’s meeting?
Squilliam: Indeed I am. My briefcase is all ready.
Sandy: [whispers] Write that down!
SpongeBob: [writing out loud] Locate briefcase. [cuts back to phone call]
Squidrick: That unibrow staying in order?
Squilliam: Sure is. [unibrow swirls on its own]
Squidrick: Because you have the stuff, right?
Squilliam: I sure do. It’s gotten me to where I am today.
Sandy: Just something about his hypnotic unibrow. Who cares.
SpongeBob: [thinks] I don’t know. I remember Squidward being mesmerized by it at the Krusty Krab. [writes down] He also mentioned that he has the stuff that made him famous.
Sandy: Probably just steroids, right?
SpongeBob: No, he’s not a baseball player. [puts notebook in his jetpack] So at least we know what we’re looking for. [high fives Sandy, but this creates noise and that is shown from inside the dining room]
Squilliam: Hm… Horace?
Horace: Yes, sir?
Squilliam: Make sure you get that vent fixed up. [points up] It’s been doing that lately.
Horace: You mean talking? [Horace and Squilliam share a confused look] Nah, I know what you mean. I’ll call a carpenter.
Squilliam: Excellent. [cuts back to SpongeBob and Sandy in the vents]
Sandy: Alright, we have to be quiet.
SpongeBob: But Sandy, you’re supposed to be loud and seductive. [drools] You have to deceive
Sandy: We’ll burn that bridge once we get to it. Just come with me for now. [they continue to crawl through the vents until they reach a giant safe] Hm… Squilliam’s safe. [cuts inside to show mountains of cash and gold]
SpongeBob: Watch out, Sandy. There must be some sort of gu-
[Sandy pops out of the vent to shoot the laser onto the forehead of the guard, causing him to fall down]
Sandy: What was that, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Eh, nothing. [jumps into the cash with Sandy following]
Sandy: Did Squidward say anything about a massive fortune?
SpongeBob: He sure did. [grabs handfuls of money and stuffs it into the bag] But also since this is what I’m getting paid with.
Sandy: You? Then what am I getting paid with?
SpongeBob: You’ll see that tonight.
[Sandy blushes, but then gets fazed as Squilliam walks into the safe. SpongeBob looks confused, but then Sandy quickly zaps them with the camouflage ray as they blend in with the gold]
SpongeBob: Hu-
Sandy: [whispers] He’s right there. [Squilliam dives into his stash of cash and starts rolling around]
Squilliam: Damn, I love being so rich! [takes money and throws it into the air] All from my amazing career.
SpongeBob: So he’s got a big ego, what else is new?
Sandy: Maybe this could mean he’s vocal and out there. [writes notes down] Maybe we don’t have to think too hard to find the briefcase.
SpongeBob: So eliminate the big areas?
Sandy: Exactly.
[Squilliam gets back up and walks out of his safe with some wads of cash in his hand]
Sandy: Come on! [removes the camouflage and leads him to the door that Squilliam came in through. They then camouflage against the white wall]
SpongeBob: Alright, we got the money, what now?
[Sandy blasts up to the ceiling with her jetpack, swinging onto the chandelier]
Sandy: Stay down there and follow him. We need to get him to spill the secrets while I find the briefcase. You have the knockout ray?
SpongeBob: Yeah, you got the camera?
Sandy: Sure do. Go on, I think he’s leaving soon.
SpongeBob: 10-4. [starts making his way around the walls to follow Squilliam who makes his way to his bedroom. He heads over to his closet, finding a freshly waxed suit to wear for the meeting]
Squilliam: Aha. Fashion opens up all of the opportunities. [walks away as SpongeBob creeps his way over to his bed]
SpongeBob: Fashion, ay? [writes in his notebook] I think it’s all coming tog- what’s that? [cuts over to a table where he finds a tablet] Hm… [walks over and begins to read it] Squilliam Fancyson’s Keys to Fancy Living? Holy shit…
[cuts to Sandy, who is swinging from chandelier from chandelier, trying to find the briefcase]
Sandy: It’s gotta be somewhere over where. [stops to check her ear camera] Let’s see what this bad boy picked up. [checks film to see multiple shots of open areas. No. No. No. [stumbles upon a pic of Sandy’s ass] How did it get back there? [next pic] Nope. Wait, hold on. [spots a brown block in the corner of the pic which appears to be the briefcase] We struck gold!
[cuts back to safe where the gold grows a mouth]
Gold: And you didn’t before?
[cuts to Sandy grappling down onto the floor and picking the briefcase up]
Sandy: Here it is! Let’s see what’s inside. [stands still] Hm…. what’s the combination… maybe SpongeBob found it out! [dials in earpiece] SpongeBob? Coming in, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [answers call] Yeah, Sandy?
Sandy: I found the briefcase, but I can’t figure out the combination. Did you happen to pick up anything about Squilliam?
SpongeBob: Well, let’s see… he talks about pot a lot of the time in his eBook. Even in relation with his “dirty little secret.” I guess that could only mean one thing, right?
Sandy: The password is 420?
SpongeBob: Yeah, that’s the passwor- [Squilliam sneaks up from behind]
Squilliam: What are you doing here, punk?
SpongeBob: Oh shit… I gotta go, Sandy! [hangs up and faces Squilliam] What- what are you doing here?
Squilliam: This is my house. I’m getting ready to go to an important meeting. But it’s hard to focus when you see some MIDDLE CLASS NOBODY sneak into your mansion. So tell me, what’s going on?
[SpongeBob starts to sweat but continues to be silent]
Squilliam: I see. [shouting] Guards, come quick!
SpongeBob: Uh oh… [pulls out knock-out ray to get rid of Squilliam and tries to sprint out of the room without getting noticed]
Guard: Where do you think you’re going?
[SpongeBob gulps. Cuts back to Sandy who’s trying to escape with the briefcase]
Sandy: Gee, I hope SpongeBob’s doing fine. He sure hung up quickly… [the carpenter pops out of the vent]
Carpenter: Hey, Mr. Fancyson, the vent is fix- hey, what are you doing up here? [Sandy looks around in fear. She then zaps him with the laser, causing him to fall out of the vent and land on the mansion floor. He falls next to a guard]
Guard: Hey, where did you come fr- [looks up to see a broken vent and Sandy with the briefcase] HEY! SHE HAS THE BOSS’ CASE! SPLIT UP, I’LL GET THE SPONGE AND YOU GUYS GET THE SQUIRREL.
[action sequence starts with the guard pulling out a gun to aim at SpongeBob, but he jumps up and tackles him down, stripping his gun and starting to take out the other guards. Sandy is crawling through the vents trying to scurry away while also throwing the guards in the vents down onto the ground. Sandy has finished off the last of the guards on her end, but SpongeBob is struggling to take out any of them.]
Sandy: [shouting] SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Sandy: Get up here! Use your jetpack!
SpongeBob: I thought it was supposed to be a secret-
Sandy: Just do it!
[SpongeBob tries to use the jetpack as a crowd of guards surround him, but due to it being overflowed with resources, it explodes and takes out all of the guards, as well as causes SpongeBob to float back down to the floor]
SpongeBob: Oh…
Sandy: Ugh… [jumps down from the vent with the briefcase in hand] Let’s get out of here! [the two of the run out of the back door and make their way outside]
SpongeBob: Are you sure that’s the right briefcase?
Sandy: I know it is.
SpongeBob: Okay, so does that mean we get to have sex later?
Sandy: What do you mean? Wasn’t that what you were paying me with?
SpongeBob: Oh… right.
[an escape helicopter hovers down with Patrick in the pilot seat. The two of them board the chopper with the suitcase and quickly make their way out of the area. Cuts back inside the mansion where Squilliam has woken up]
Squilliam: Ugh… [drooling and starting to get up, as he rubs his head] at least I’m still rich.
[cuts to Squidward’s house where the helicopter lands right outside of the house. Sandy and SpongeBob hop off]
SpongeBob: Thanks, Patrick! I knew we could count on you!
Patrick: Sure thing, buddy! [waves as he gets back up. He then flies the chopper right into his rock, crashing and causing him to eject from the seat] Ouch!
[Sandy and SpongeBob share a deadpan expression as they make their way into Squidward’s house with the briefcase]
SpongeBob: Squidward, we’re here!
Squidward: Great! Did you get anything?
Sandy: Not really. Only the briefcase with all of his industry secrets! [hands him the case as Squidward looks at the case with joy]
Squidward: AHA! I’M FINALLY GONNA BE AS SUCCESSFUL AS THAT BITCH SQUILLIAM! [laughs] Well, thanks, you too. I’ll, uh, give you some of the money as a cut. [SpongeBob hands over the cash he stole]
SpongeBob: Alright, we gotta go. We have some business to take care of.
Sandy: Yeah! [chuckles seductively] The combo is 420. See ya, Squiddy! [waves as they both walk out]
[Squidward makes his way to his bedroom with the briefcase, getting ready to open it]
Squidward: Welp, here goes nothing. [punches “420” into the case and opens it up. He looks excited at first, but then looks puzzled] Huh? [shows a piece of paper and starts to read] What the?! [paper shows “No chance, fool!”] WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?!
[Squilliam appears out of nowhere]
Squilliam: [laughing hard] Nice try, Squidward! Your spies were terrible.
Squidward: What do you mean? How- how did you know?
Squilliam: All of their spy cliches were PAINFULLY boring and obvious. [punches the floor in laughter] You’ll NEVER find out what made me so successful and famous. You’ll just be stuck at a burger joint. [walks out of the house] Until next time, Squiddy ol’ chum.
[cuts back to Squidward in his room, fuming. He then explodes in anger]
Squidward: SPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOBBBBB!!!! SAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDYYYYY!!!!! Goddamnit!
[cuts to outside of SpongeBob’s pineapple where giggling is heard]
SpongeBob: You hear something?
Sandy: No.
SpongeBob: Alright, carry on.
[episode ends]
==Trivia==
*This episode won first place in Round 7.
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:DanzxvFan8275
Category:Episodes written by DanzxvFan8275
Category:I Simp For Juicy Titties
Category:Spin-Off Kings
Category:Spin Off Kings Season Two
Category:Spectromite Studios
Category:UltraFuse
Category:@everyone DEADLINE 🚨🚨🚨🚨 Productions
Category:2020s