Too Dumb to Live

“So, what’ll it be, Charlie?” I ask, raising up my chainsaw. “An arm or a leg?”
“What do you mean, Charles?” the man tied to a chair asks.
“Do you want me to cut off an arm or a leg?” I reply.
“Of who?”
“Of you!”
“Me?”
“Yes, you!”
“Why not you?”
“What?! I’m the killer, dipshit! I’ll be doing the maiming and torturing, if you please! Now shut up and tell me if it’ll be an arm or a leg.”
The victim thinks for a minute.
“What was the question again?” he asks.
I share a look with my assistant, Chuck.
“This guy might just be too stupid to live,” my assistant says.
He doesn’t know half of it. All night, Charlie’s done one stupid thing after another.
We had found him walking down an alleyway alone. “Hello, sir,” I’d said to him chipperly. “Do you know that there are serial killers in town?”
“Yes, I do,” Charlie replied. “I was just on my way to warn the cops.”
“Were you!” Chuck said, grinning from ear to ear.
“You bet!” Charlie replied. “In fact, I have evidence on the killers. I need to take it to the authorities.”
“Really!” Chuck said.
“Are you alone?” I asked.
“Yes,” Charlie replied.
“Does anybody know you’re out here?” Chuck asked.
“Nobody,” Charlie said.
“Well, not anymore,” Chuck said. “We’ll walk with you.”
We headed towards the well lit police station. “Actually, can we take a shortcut through the woods?” I asked. “It’s quicker.”
“Sure!” Charlie replied.
I probably should have guessed at that point that he was too stupid to kill.
As we went, the guy stepped in a bear trap. “Oops!” Chuck said. “Now who left that lying around?”
“It’s all right,” Charlie said, prying it off his leg. “These things happen.”
I frowned. How did it not go right through him? I guessed me and Chuck hadn’t set it right.
We kept going. I exchanged a look with Chuck. “We should give him something to drink,” I whispered in his ear.
Chuck acted like he hadn’t heard me for a second. Then he held out a drink to Charlie. “Hey, Charlie, boy!” Chuck said chipperly. “Have something to drink!”
Charlie took a big drink of the somniferous. But weirdly enough, it seemed to have no effect on him.
“Want some, Chuck?” Charlie asked.
“Uh… No thanks,” Chuck replied, disappointed. We kept going.
As we headed through the woods, Charlie regaled us with tales of his old military days. He’d pressed the self-destruct button on a helicopter, juggled loaded guns, and thrown the pin but held on to the grenade. Once he’d listened to a radio while in the bathtub- that had been a disaster.
“My glory days might be behind me,” Charlie admitted.
“Nonsense,” Chuck replied. “You’re young. You’re hip.”
“You bet!” Charlie said eagerly.
We walked in silence for a hot minute.
“I wish I knew who these killers were!” Charlie said. “I could probably blackmail them with what I know.”
“What a shame!” I replied. Me and Chuck exchanged a grin.
Yep. This guy was too stupid to live.
We lured him into our kill house and told him we were going to play a game. He had to tie himself to a chair and then wriggle his way free. Naturally, that didn’t work out so well for him. But as soon as I got my chainsaw, I realized his stupidity wasn’t an act. There really was nothing going on upstairs for him.
Chuck is holding a bucket for Charlie’s arms and legs. He glances at me. “Maybe we should just let this guy go, Charles,” Chuck offers.
“What?! He knows everything!” I retort.
“But he’s so stupid!” Chuck says. “Even if he remembers tonight, who’s going to believe him?”
Charlie isn’t listening to us. He’s drifted off to sleep.
I’ve had enough. I shake Charlie awake and rev up the chainsaw. “Let’s cut to the chase, pal!” I shout. I bring the chainsaw to Charlie’s neck.
The chainsaw breaks.
I can’t believe my eyes for a second. I hold up the chainsaw. Its teeth have shattered and fallen right off it. Chuck gives me a wide-eyed look. I look at Charlie.
Charlie’s stupid grin is gone. He looks completely serious now.
“Seeing as though you two have wasted my entire night, can I go home now?” he asks.
…
We drop Charlie off at his house. For a couple days, we expect him to turn us in, but he doesn’t. In fact, as far as we can tell, he skipped town a day later.
We have no idea where he could be now.
Category:Beings
Category:Dismemberment
Category:MalumLibrum958