Land of the Lost (film) Transcript

ASTRONAUT:
Mission Control, come in.
Mission Control, do you read?
 
Mayday. Mayday.
 
On reentry into Earth's orbit,
I seem to have fallen into,
 
I don't know,
some kind of tear
in time and space.
 
My coordinates are unknown.
Is this even Earth?
 
Ship's instruments
indicate should be
White Sands, New Mexico.
 
Obvious error.
Is anyone receiving this?
Come back.
 
(ROARING)
 
Oh, God. Oh, God.
 
Recovery team!
Recovery team,
fix coordinates now!
 
Where the hell am I?
Somebody respond!
 
Recovery team,
come back, God damn it!
 
Does anybody...
 
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
 
Oh, God. Oh, God!
 
Does anyone read...
 
No!
 
MALE ANNOUNCER:
This is Today,
with Matt Lauer.
 
We're back now with
Dr. Rick Marshall,
 
whose new book arrives
in stores tomorrow.
 
It was back in Oslo, Doctor,
last month, that you just
startled your colleagues
 
with this theory of yours
that takes science in
a completely new direction.
 
Quantum...
Quantum Paleontology.
 
Quantum Paleontology,
that's correct.
 
What exactly is that?
 
Well, it's...
Not to say modestly,
it's our very future, Matt.
 
It's the only
real solution
 
to solving this
fossil fuel crisis
we're experiencing.
 
And it boils down
to two simple words.
 
Renewable biofuels.
 
Close. Time warps.
 
Time warps?
Time warps.
 
You're serious about this.
 
I'm deadly serious.
 
Five years,
over $50 million
on my research.
 
You've spent
$50 million of your own
money studying time warps?
 
No, that's adorable.
No, taxpayers' money.
I don't have $50 million.
 
And now you're
asking for more.
 
It's all explained
in my book.
 
I know.
We've plugged
the book.
 
(READING)
 
Yeah.
 
Bantam Books. Amazon.
 
We are living
in a time right now
with huge cuts in...
 
I saw.
 
Huge cuts in spending.
Right.
 
We're in dire
economic straits,
 
and you're
spending $50 million
on studying time warps.
 
How do you not think
that's irresponsible?
 
Well, I...
Are you smoking?
 
No, I'm making a balloon
animal here, earthling.
 
But you can't smoke
in the studio.
 
Okay, no one told me that.
 
Just, you can't.
 
Look, look... Fine.
 
There are huge, huge
amounts of trans-dimensional
energy out there
 
just waiting for us
to throw the switch.
 
Energy crisis averted.
 
You are asking people
to stake the entire future
of industrialized civilization
 
on what you call
"parallel dimensions."
 
What about the critics
who have a fair question,
Doctor?
 
Mmm-hmm.
 
They say this theory
of yours is not science.
It is non-science.
 
And some are even more blunt,
and they say it's nonsense.
 
How do you
respond to that?
 
My critics?
Your critics.
 
And there are
a lot of them.
Can you be more specific?
 
Stephen Hawking.
 
Stephen Hawking
says this is nonsense.
That's his word.
 
Okay, you know what?
This interview's over.
 
Why?
 
Because, like, your
producers said you wouldn't
bring that up, all right?
 
It's a fair question.
 
No, it's not!
It's a hatchet job!
 
That was my guest
Dr. Rick Marshall,
 
whose book arrives
in stores tomorrow.
 
RICK: Goddamn
right it was!
 
You might want to look for it
 
in the "I'm out of my
freaking mind" department.
 
When we come back,
trampolines.
 
Summer fun or silent killer?
 
MAN: Wait, wait!
He's making a run
for the stage!
 
Are you out
of your mind?
 
MAN: Hey, he's so strong!
What are you, crazy?
 
(RICK SCREAMING)
 
Ladies and gentlemen,
esteemed colleagues,
I'll conclude with this.
 
Our very future
depends on one thing.
 
(RICK READING)
 
Subatomic particles that
move so incredibly fast,
 
they actually travel
backwards in time.
 
Ask yourself, what if there
was a device that could
harness these tachyons?
 
We could open
and travel through
warps in time and space.
 
What's that?
Not in our lifetime?
 
My friends,
I've designed
such a device.
 
I give to you
the tachyon amplifier.
 
Genius in a box.
 
Only with this device,
you don't travel
forwards or backwards.
 
You travel sideways in time
 
to another dimension
where past, present
and future all meet.
 
And lights!
 
All right,
any questions?
 
Oh! Great. Yes.
You, right there, young man.
 
Yeah.
If you shot a ton
of pot at the sun,
 
would it burn up
and get everybody high?
 
No. No, no.
 
Are there any real questions
that pertain to science?
 
Do you take Cialis?
 
BOY: Why were you crying
in the bathroom
before this presentation?
 
How come it looks like
you're about to cry now?
 
Do dinosaurs have boobs?
 
That's it. That's it.
Everybody out of here.
 
Get out of here!
Go play in the parking lot.
 
Go run around
on the freeway,
I don't care.
 
MAN: Okay, guys,
let's get some sugar!
 
I have a question.
 
Did you ever try to make
the tachyon amplifier?
 
Who are you?
 
Oh! I'm sorry.
I'm Holly Cantrell.
 
I studied all your
work at Cambridge.
 
I think you're brilliant.
 
Well, Holly from Cambridge
who thinks I'm brilliant,
 
I started,
but I didn't finish.
So, no.
 
No, but you have to build it.
I mean,
it's the most incredible...
 
What are you eating?
 
It's a donut
stuffed with M&M's.
 
That way when you finish
the donut, you don't
have to eat any M&M's.
 
But don't you see?
You were absolutely right.
 
Everything...
Stop!
 
Chasing that theory got me
laughed out of mainstream
science and landed me here.
 
And you know what?
I don't have anyone
to blame but myself.
 
'Cause, as they say,
if you don't make it,
it's your own damn "vault."
 
That's a bitch-slap
of truth right there.
 
If your theories
are such rubbish,
then explain this.
 
That fossil is over
265 million years old
 
with an imprint
of a $10 lighter.
 
Go on, explain that.
 
I found it out in the desert
along with crystals like this
 
that radiate pure
tachyon energy.
 
Go on.
 
Explain that.
 
Captain Kirk's nipples!
 
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: The tar pits
will be open in five minutes.
 
Dr. Marshall,
please return the page.
 
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
 
HOLLY: Dr. Marshall?
 
(MOANING)
 
Oh, my God.
 
Are you all right?
Hey. Up you get.
 
(GRUNTING)
 
Here. Just lean against...
Oh, dear.
 
I'm fine, okay.
I just worked late.
 
Then I got hungry,
and I had several meals
and lapsed into a food coma.
 
(SIGHS)
 
I've had issues
with food in the past,
and I don't know, you know,
 
just with the stress
of everything,
I just overdid it.
 
But I'm in control,
and I don't have to
go back to Phoenix.
 
I just... I wanted to come
and apologize for yesterday.
 
My behavior was just...
 
RICK: No, no, no,
it was me.
 
(GASPS)
 
You finished
the tachyon amplifier!
 
No. No. I mean, yes.
 
I don't know.
I finished
building it, yes,
 
but I didn't have
the nerve to test it out.
 
So I thought a trip
to Arby's might give me
some courage, but no dice.
 
Then I had
Popeye's, Del Taco.
 
Fourteen thousand
calories later,
 
I found myself
down at Subway,
 
powering through
a 12-inch veggie
on whole wheat,
 
babbling
to a cutout
of Jared.
 
It still didn't
give me the strength
to turn that thing on.
 
I'm a coward.
 
You are not a coward.
You're a visionary.
 
This is probably
the greatest work of genius
in the last 100 years.
 
(SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
 
(SINGING)
God, I hope I get it!
I hope I get it
 
How many...
 
Is that A Chorus Line?
 
It's leftover data
from the drive.
 
What a piece of crap!
 
(SINGING)
Look at all the people...
 
The machine, I mean.
Not A Chorus Line.
 
I love show tunes.
They really tell the story
of the human condition.
 
It's a bit gay.
 
It is great.
 
Right. Dr. Marshall,
you're gonna stop
selling yourself short.
 
You're on the verge
of major discovery.
Now get up.
 
Whoa! Where are we going?
 
We're gonna go
and test this little
device in the field.
 
Are you crazy?
I'm not prepared
for a field test.
 
Look, we're not gonna
make a big deal out of it.
 
It's just
a routine
expedition.
 
A routine expedition?
 
Purely routine.
 
HOLLY: Here. Here it is.
This is where
I found the fossil.
 
The Devil's Canyon
Mystery Cave.
 
(DEVICE BEEPING)
RICK: This dump
is a portal?
 
HOLLY: Well, just look
at these readings!
 
We've just gotta
get back in that cave.
 
RICK:
No problem. The place
is obviously abandoned.
 
HOLLY: Not exactly.
 
So what's your pleasure?
 
I got Roman candles,
bottle rockets,
 
twitter glitters,
dancing butterflies.
 
This little bitch here,
I call the Mexican vasectomy.
 
Yeah?
 
Okay, that's in bad taste.
How about this?
 
This little travel
mug I like to call
"The Perfect Woman."
 
Big old set of boobies,
no head and a handle.
 
Mmm-mmm.
 
Look, we want to go
in the cave, all right?
 
Okay, how about this?
 
Y'all spend $30 on crap,
I'll give you a deluxe tour.
 
It all goes to a great cause.
The Devil's Canyon
Resort and Casino!
 
(MUSIC PLAYING)
 
Wow. That's nice craft.
 
Seven thousand
luxuriously
appointed rooms.
 
Three casinos.
One convention center.
Ass-tons of parking.
 
And when everything
is complete,
 
I will turn the tip
of this golden teepee
into my personal lair,
 
and I will take a mate
and live the rest of my
life with her up here.
 
And when we fight
and she pisses me off,
 
I will banish her
to this tip,
 
where she will be kept
as a prisoner and a slave.
 
Y'all gonna
buy anything?
 
Yeah. Fine.
 
Hey, Ern!
Taking these guys to the cave.
Watch the store.
 
Close your mouth
while you're breathing,
like we talked about.
 
You're making
everybody over
here feel weird.
 
Prepare to meet
your darkest fears
 
inside the depths
of The Devil's
Canyon Mystery Cave!
 
(SIGHS)
 
Rule number one,
keep your arms
and legs inside the boat.
 
Rule number two,
have a kick-ass,
awesome time.
 
But be warned,
you may get wet.
 
I'm sorry, "may"?
Actually,
I need to know.
 
This equipment
cannot get wet.
 
Not you. Mary Poppins.
 
(EXCLAIMING)
 
Say that again,
and I'll drown you.
 
Good to go.
 
(WHOOPING)
 
Cave ride begins!
 
Caveologists
say this old cave
is 100 years old
 
and holds 1,000 mysteries.
 
Or is it 1,000 years old
and 100 mysteries?
 
Well, that, my friends,
is just one of the mysteries.
 
Say what you will,
the man is a showman.
 
Without a doubt,
this cave is most infamous
 
for the legend
of the Devil's
Canyon Lizard Man.
 
He's been seen around these
parts since the Pilgrim times.
 
Snapping his claws, hissing,
trying to eat people up,
 
lurking about in the dark,
dark shadows
of this very cave.
 
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
 
But those are just legends.
Aren't they?
 
Aren't they?
 
Are you asking us?
 
No, I'm not.
Ernie! Aren't they?
 
Here it comes, Will.
 
(WILL SCREAMS)
 
(WHOOPS) Oh, God!
The Lizard Man!
 
You're paying for that.
 
I most definitely am not.
 
You know, I'm sitting here
trying to give you guys
a really awesome adventure,
 
and you guys are giving me
nothing in return.
 
I got the gloves on,
the hat, the pageantry.
 
(DEVICE BEEPING)
 
Holly, I'm getting
a strong tachyon reading.
 
I think I can boost
the hell out of the signal
with a resonant wave.
 
Well, go for it.
 
Man, you guys
don't even care.
 
(SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
 
(SINGING)
God, I hope I get it!
I hope I get it
 
No, no! There are no
show tunes on this ride!
 
God, I hope I get it!
I hope I get it
 
How many boys?
How many girls?
Boys, how many girls?
 
Something's happening.
Is this part of the ride?
 
No, Hoss, this ain't me.
This is an earthquake.
 
(DEVICE BEEPING RAPIDLY)
 
Greatest earthquake
ever known!
 
Marshall, I think
you should turn it off!
 
Marshall, the meter!
 
Swim, Holly!
 
We're moving!
 
WILL: This isn't me!
This isn't me!
 
RICK: Why are we
moving so fast?
 
Do I look like I know
what's going on?
 
(HOWLS)
 
What's that sound?
 
Is there a waterfall in here?
 
Hell, no, dude!
This isn't even
a real stream!
 
It's industrial runoff
from the soap factory
down the street!
 
RICK: What is that?
What is that?
What is that?
 
Oh, God! Oh, shit!
 
This is not
a routine expedition!
 
WILL: Reverse! Reverse!
Boat, reverse!
 
It's beautiful!
 
(ALL SCREAMING)
 
(BREATHING HARD)
 
I gotta say,
I did not see that coming.
 
Ernie, you bastard.
That was way too fast.
 
Ernie! Too fast!
 
Marshall!
 
I think you should
come and look at this!
 
Do you realize
what this means?
 
RICK: Yes! It means
 
Matt Lauer can suck it!
 
(RICK WHOOPING)
 
Holly, are you rolling?
HOLLY: Yeah.
 
WILL: That was
a Viking ship!
 
And a Cessna!
Shut up! Just shut up!
 
Okay, currently in our party,
me, Dr. Rick Marshall,
 
doctoral candidate
Holly Cantrell,
 
and some trashy
trailer park reject
 
who smells of malt
liquor and feet.
 
I'm standing right here!
I was right. Okay?
 
Holly, right here.
 
Just as I predicted,
we have been...
 
We have fallen
through a time portal
 
from our Earth to another
dimension where past,
present and future
 
are all mashed up together.
 
WILL: How the hell
did this happen?
 
My tachyon
amplifier, that's
how it happened!
 
You mean that shitty boom box
pumping show tunes?
 
Yes, it worked.
 
Well, where the hell is it?
 
Okay, minor setback.
 
My tachyon amplifier,
which undoubtedly
will be the only
 
possible way for us
to open a doorway home,
 
is nowhere to be seen.
 
What?
 
(SQUEALING)
 
(HOLLY GASPS)
WILL: What the hell was that?
 
I have no idea,
but let's go find out.
 
(SQUEALING)
 
HOLLY: Advanced primates.
RICK: Yeah.
 
They've got the posture
of an Australopithecine,
 
but the sagittal
crest suggests that...
 
No, no, no,
shut up!
 
I will not let you
ruin this moment.
 
I've waited my
entire life to see
the mighty Bigfoot.
 
Hey, man, are you
touching yourself?
 
Marshall, look!
 
(SQUEALS)
 
Oh, my God.
 
Tool construction!
Tool construction!
 
No, they're gonna kill him!
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
(SHOUTING) No!
 
Uh-oh!
 
Okay, you eggheads,
you follow my lead.
 
I know just how
to party
with these guys.
 
You little monkey bastards!
 
Prepare to bow down
and worship me!
 
For behold, ye troglodytes,
I command the power of fire.
 
Will, that's
not a good idea.
 
How do you like me now?
You wanna disco dance with...
 
Ow! Son of a bitch!
 
(MOANING)
 
Well done.
 
You've now just given
murderous primitives
the power of fire.
 
HOLLY: It's all right.
 
It's all right.
Don't be frightened.
 
We're friends.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Friends.
 
(SNARLS)
Careful, Holly.
 
Come on. Come on.
 
Come on. There we go.
 
I spent three years at the
Manchester Zoo primate house.
 
I'm recognizing
a very primitive language.
 
Now, me, Holly.
 
Holly.
 
Holly.
 
Yes! Holly!
 
Horry.
 
Holly. Me, Holly.
 
You?
 
You?
 
Me.
 
Chaka.
 
Chaka. Chaka! No.
 
Holly. Chaka.
 
(WHISPERING) Nice work.
 
Yeah. Will. Will.
 
Good work. Good work, Holly.
Let me take over from here.
 
Greetings.
Chaka! Chaka.
 
I'm Dr. Rick Marshall.
 
Dr. Rick Marshall.
 
Okay?
 
Let's take a look
at that ankle.
Does that sound good?
 
Keep in mind,
Chaka, although I'm a doctor,
I'm not a licensed physician.
 
Okay? I'm just gonna
take a little look.
 
(GROWLS)
 
How dare you?
How dare you?
I mean you no harm!
 
I mean you no harm!
Marshall! Marshall! Marshall!
 
RICK: Don't you run from me,
you little shit!
 
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Now you're dead!
 
(ALL SCREAMING)
 
(ALL COUGHING)
 
RICK:
Damn you, Chaka.
 
Now, was that
necessary?
 
(SNARLING)
 
Marshall, Marshall,
wait, you'll scare him.
 
What was that?
 
Look, he was never
in any danger, okay?
 
Chaka. Friend.
Safety. Safety. Safety!
 
Holly, tell him.
 
Marshall! Marshall!
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Here...
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
(EXCLAIMS)
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Well, that's more like it.
Holly, what did you tell him?
 
I think I told him
that you're a great chief,
and you're very powerful,
 
and I think he's pledging
his lifelong loyalty to you.
 
That's hardly necessary,
my little friend,
 
but I will
honor your customs.
 
And you may serve me.
 
(LAUGHING)
 
In return, I will be a fair
but very strict master.
 
Okay. Off! Off!
 
What is wrong with you people?
That sandpit swallowed us!
 
I mean, can you all please
act like this doesn't
happen every single day?
 
You're starting to make
me feel really stupid.
 
RICK: Okay, okay, hold on.
Let's gather ourselves.
 
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Take a deep breath in.
 
(BOTH SCREAMING)
 
(SCREAMS) Oh, my God!
 
(SQUEALING)
 
(ALL GASPING)
 
RICK: Fortunately,
I've been in this exact
situation three times before.
 
WILL: When?
When have you ever been
in this situation before?
 
RICK: I've never been
in this situation before!
 
I'm just trying
to keep up morale.
 
(ROARING)
 
God, I sure hope
that was a coyote.
 
Good God!
It's a feeding station!
 
If anyone knows about
meal presentation, it's me.
 
Oh, God! Oh, God!
 
Grab hands!
Create some momentum.
 
Let's swing
over to that tree.
 
(GRUNTING)
 
Extension.
 
WILL: Okay. Reach.
 
RICK:
Good form, everyone!
 
Working in concert!
 
Don't be afraid
to point the toe.
 
One more.
One more should do it.
 
(ROARING)
 
(ALL SCREAMING)
 
Everybody move out!
Chaka, your master
commands you to...
 
Bad Chaka! Your loyalty
is now in question!
 
WILL:
That was a dinosaur!
 
RICK: T. Rex!
Definitely in predator mode.
 
WILL: Will you hurry up?
You're slowing us down!
 
Why are you
wearing high heels?
 
RICK: They're not
high heels. They're my
Florsheim zipper boots.
 
Why are you wearing
Florsheims
on a field expedition?
 
I told you I was not prepped
to go into the field!
 
(ROARING)
 
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait!
We need a photo.
 
Nice field skills, Holly!
 
Will, stand over there.
What?
 
This is proof I'm right,
and I want photos.
 
Stand there.
We need you for scale.
 
Scale?
 
Marshall, do we need
the red eye feature?
 
Yes, his eyes do look red.
 
Jesus Christ,
just take the picture!
Okay, just stand still!
 
Stand still, please.
Okay, ready.
 
One, two, three!
 
Fantastic.
Run! Run like hell!
 
Where the hell's
the monkey?
 
Look! Chaka's waiting
for us at the other
end of the bridge!
 
Good Chaka!
Your master's pleased!
 
(GRUNTING)
 
Marshall, it really
looks like he's trying
to destroy the bridge.
 
Chaka, wait!
 
Master not pleased!
 
It's okay.
He can't cross.
 
He has terrible
depth perception.
 
He thinks this chasm's
a million miles long.
 
He's not what
you'd call an athlete,
Mr. T. Rex.
 
See? He's walking away
in utter helpless defeat.
 
After all, his brain is
the size of a walnut.
 
Sure, his sense
of smell may be acute,
 
but eyesight, hearing,
all of his higher functions
 
completely
compromised by that
walnut-sized brainpan.
 
I mean, forget
about the Polish.
 
It's the T. Rexes
who are the real
dummies of the world.
 
In fact, Chaka,
funny story...
 
(ROARING)
 
RICK: Frigging run!
 
RICK:
Follow the monkey!
 
Cave!
 
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
 
He's looking
at you, Marshall.
 
No. No.
He's watching you.
 
He's looking
at everyone.
 
No, I'm certain
he's looking at you.
 
He is grumpy.
 
(SIGHS)
 
I think that's what
we should call him,
Grumpy.
 
Yeah, that's a cute name.
 
(ROARING)
 
Is he gone?
 
Yeah.
 
Pussy.
 
What a puss.
 
Mmm-hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
 
This'll work just fine.
We'll call this base camp.
 
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
 
We cannot stay here.
Bad things happen
in caves, folks.
 
Watch your movies.
 
Guys, can we just please
take a minute to absorb this?
 
(SIGHS) I mean, we must be
the first people to ever
set foot in this world.
 
It's incredible!
 
(UPBEAT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
 
Oh, God,
we're screwed.
 
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING
ON RECORD PLAYER)
 
No, no. No. No.
 
Chaka, no! No.
 
Go on.
 
Okay, you know what?
 
I don't want Chaka sleeping
in the cave tonight.
 
Whoa! Not cool, dude.
 
No, it's a reasonable
precaution, all right?
 
He was just about
to be executed,
 
and I think
he might have done
something to deserve it.
 
Hey, my man is right here.
Obviously he has
feelings, okay?
 
RICK: He doesn't
have feelings.
 
Man, come on, look at him.
 
He's adorable.
He's a little cuddle machine.
 
RICK: What?
 
WILL: Yeah, the least
you could do is let
him defend himself.
 
I don't speak
monkey anyhow.
Do you?
 
No, I don't.
I didn't think so.
 
Here, let me try.
 
Chaka?
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
He says he's a prince
amongst his people.
 
Right.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
The victim
of a treacherous plot
to steal his throne.
 
And the only thing
he's ever guilty of was...
 
Is love.
 
Aw!
 
Oh, brother.
Give me a break.
 
And he's been treated
far too harshly for
the very simple crime of...
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Pooping in the village well.
 
That's why you're not
sleeping in the cave.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
I can't tell anymore.
 
(SNARLING)
 
Hey, mister, fuck you.
 
(GROWLING)
 
Hold on, hold on.
Where you going with that?
 
I'm just gonna block
the first point
of egress here
 
so that we're
not vulnerable.
 
No, no.
Bless your heart.
 
Classic tenderfoot mistake.
 
Don't beat yourself
up over it.
Here's the thing.
 
Never put anything near
the mouth of the cave
to draw attention to us.
 
Did you not just see
that we drew the attention
 
of a highly intelligent
psycho dinosaur?
 
Look, I think
the Ph.D. after my name
 
means I know
a little something
about dinosaurs.
 
Dinosaurs are creatures
of brute instinct.
 
Like I've said before,
it's got a brain
the size of a walnut.
 
Okay? You got me?
A walnut.
 
Now think about...
 
(RUMBLING)
 
What's that? What's that?
 
Sweet Gregor Mendel.
 
What is it?
 
It's a walnut.
 
(SNARLING)
 
Well, obviously this is
between you and him.
 
Day two. 0600, Zulu Time.
 
Did not sleep last night
at all, not one bit.
 
Still no sign
of the tachyon amplifier,
our only way home.
 
Field rations
are running
dangerously low.
 
Thusly, I've made
the determination
that, if need be,
 
if faced with starvation,
we will cook and eat Chaka.
 
I've been thinking
about this a lot, actually.
 
If Chaka meat were the secret
ingredient on Iron Chef,
 
I'm sure Bobby Flay
would probably serve it
 
with roasted red peppers
and a dash of cumin
and a braised polenta.
 
It wouldn't be
an easy thing to do,
 
but if you slow roast
the little guy,
 
I'm sure that
Chaka meat would just
fall right off the bone.
 
(CHAKA EXCLAIMS)
 
Food train coming through!
 
HOLLY: Fantastic!
I'm absolutely starving.
 
And fresh fruit.
It's like morning
at Wimbledon.
 
Hold on a second there, Holly.
I don't recognize that genus
of succulent.
 
Perhaps the native
inhabitant can help us.
 
Chaka. Rick Marshall. Chaka.
 
Are they safe? To eat?
 
Eat? Eat?
 
Eat. Marashalla.
 
Eat. Eat.
 
Thank you, Chaka.
Thank you so much
for listening to me.
 
Sorry for doubting you,
my little friend.
 
Has a pungent flavor.
Smells good. Very meaty...
 
(SCREAMING)
 
Jesus, Chaka!
What the hell?
 
Friends?
 
Friends?
 
(SIGHS)
 
Well. Yes, technically,
I guess.
 
However, I am your master.
 
Okay? We have entered
into a verbal contract.
 
You need
to understand
that. Okay?
 
(SHRILL RINGING)
 
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
 
Holly! Quick!
To the cave mouth.
Sentry positions.
 
Looks like
a plasma discharge.
Or maybe beta rays!
 
(GROANS)
 
Marshall?
Marshall! Marshall!
 
Help me, please.
 
I will.
 
Marshall! Marshall,
where are you going?
 
Someone or something
knows we're here!
 
It's in my head,
calling to me!
 
Step back, Holly!
 
What are you doing?
 
I've seen this before.
He's got the jungle madness.
 
We gotta put him down
while he still
has some dignity left.
 
Chaka, let's roll!
 
What?
 
Friends! Friends!
 
You see?
This is the place!
 
A beacon.
 
A transmitter,
tapping directly
into my prefrontal lobe.
 
What the hell?
Stop it!
 
Well, I'll be.
 
I guess you weren't crazy.
 
Okay. I'm man enough
to say that's my bad.
 
HOLLY: Wow.
That's incredible.
The architecture.
 
It's almost like
the Olmec culture
of Mesoamerica.
 
Reminds me of the
Prudential building.
 
(SOFTLY) No!
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
WILL: I'll bet somebody's
growing weed in here.
 
RICK: You feel that?
That ambient energy?
 
Just like
at Devil's Canyon.
 
HOLLY: Yep.
 
Tachyon radiation.
 
Marshall, the meter
can't be far.
 
(SQUEALING)
 
WILL: Holy shit.
 
Finally, something cool, huh?
What, no reaction?
 
You guys have seen
that before, too,
I take it, huh?
 
In your lab.
 
What's this thing?
 
Hey, maybe this is where
our ancient ancestors
hosted the Latin Grammys.
 
Just picture Santana
hauling this sucker home.
 
(BUZZING)
 
And it vibrates!
 
I wouldn't touch
that, all right?
 
(SINGING WITH DISTORTED VOICE)
Do you believe
in life after love?
 
That is so dumb
and childish.
 
(SINGING) Do you believe
in life after love?
 
Will,
will you please be quiet?
Dr. Marshall needs silence.
 
(SINGING WITH DISTORTED VOICE)
I can feel something
inside me say
 
(BOTH SINGING)
I really don't think
you're strong enough, oh!
 
Wow!
Yeah.
 
I can really feel it
in my forearms.
 
Yeah, usually
you have to pay for
something like this.
 
Oh, gosh.
 
Holly, you should
sit on this.
 
CHAKA: No! No!
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Hmm? What?
 
What is it, Chaka?
What did you say?
 
What is he saying?
 
I don't know.
It's the same thing
over and over.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Chorizo tacos.
 
Are you saying
"chorizo tacos"?
 
Don't play around,
because I am super hungry.
 
No.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
What the hell
does that mean?
 
Well, I'm afraid
we'll never know.
 
Oh! Okay.
 
Oh, shit, it's not
chorizo tacos.
 
No immediate danger.
Cold-blooded and slow.
 
(WHISPERING) I repeat,
no immediate danger.
 
Will you stop that?
 
Please!
You are freaking me out!
 
WILL: Oh, gosh.
They're everywhere.
 
They're just like zombies.
That's how zombies get you.
Volume!
 
We're all gonna die.
 
HOLLY: Like hell.
 
I'm gonna take at least one
of these bastards with me,
 
even if he has to choke
to death on my skull!
 
Oh!
 
What, do you want
some, too, do you?
 
WILL: What are
you guys doing?
 
One second.
 
What in the hell?
 
Get in!
 
Oh, God.
 
Wait, stand
down, Holly.
 
All right.
 
Hang on.
Yeah.
 
Hang on,
I think we're safe!
 
They don't seem
to be able to make it
through the entrance.
 
Thank God for that.
That one keeps
peering into my soul.
 
Well, this is
just fantastic.
 
We're gonna just stand
in here and suffocate
 
in this tiny,
little huge thingie?
 
RICK: Wow, that is
an efficient use of space.
 
WILL: It's like
Snoopy's doghouse.
 
(MOANS)
 
Look, there's a gold one.
Let's stomp its head in.
 
Do not fear me.
 
I am Enik the Altrusian.
 
Thank Vindok you've come
to my aid, Rick Marshall.
 
You know me?
Of course.
 
Even in the farthest
reaches of the universe,
 
we have seen your
Matt Lauer video.
 
I am a prisoner
in this land of the lost.
 
Only you can
help me escape.
 
The fate of the universe
depends on you.
 
Well. That's very
flattering, Enik,
 
but I think you've
found the wrong guy. I...
 
No, Rick Marshall.
 
I have summoned you here
specifically to help me
stop an evil madman
 
who has already conquered
my world and now plans
to conquer yours.
 
His name is the Zarn.
 
I am the Zarn!
Heed my warning
or be destroyed!
 
The Zarn became obsessed
with using the power
of these crystals
 
to conquer the universe.
 
If he is not stopped,
he will open
a doorway to your world
 
and lead his army
of Sleestak on a rampage
across time and space.
 
He must be stopped.
 
Enik, buddy.
 
I'm a scientist.
You're a scientist.
 
I think together
you and I can figure
this out. Now...
 
You mustn't
touch the crystals!
 
Okay!
 
The wrong manipulation
of the crystals
 
could turn time
and space inside out.
 
What do you need from us?
 
The Zarn lacks only one thing
to enact his evil plan.
 
A device to amplify tachyons
and unleash the full
power of the crystals.
 
Well, Marshall's created
a device that isolates
tachyon interference.
 
Yeah, I did that.
 
Of course.
 
With tachyon particles
focused along the proper
temporal vector
 
a stable passageway
can be opened...
Opened
 
to any point in the space...
...to any point
in the space...
 
...time continuum!
...time continuum!
 
(BOTH GASPING)
 
You and I are so smart!
 
Rick Marshall,
I knew instantly
you could help me.
 
Thank you.
 
You are a truly
advanced intellect.
 
I don't know
how you manage
amongst these others.
 
I don't know
how I do, either.
I really don't!
 
Excuse me!
 
You have this
tachyon amplifier?
 
I lost it on the way,
and I don't know where.
 
It could be lost in time.
On the contrary.
 
I detect it nearby. It...
 
Strange.
I cannot precisely
pinpoint its location.
 
It moves.
 
Leave it to us.
 
If it's out there,
we'll find it.
 
(WHISPERING)
Not so fast, amigo.
 
Little rule I live by,
"Never trust a dude
in a tunic."
 
(WHISPERING)
You live by that rule?
 
Yes. It's never
led me astray.
 
All right, come on.
Enik, are you well
enough to travel?
 
No. My place
is here in the pylon.
I must protect the crystals.
 
If you wish to return home,
these crystals
are the doorway.
 
Your device is the key.
Find it before the Zarn does.
 
Bring it to me
and rescue us all.
Rescue the universe!
 
All right, everyone,
gather around!
 
Let's go! Chop-chop!
 
Hustle up.
 
Marshall,
did you just make that?
 
Yeah. Yeah, I'm a bit
of a miniatures enthusiast.
 
It's very impressive.
 
Thank you.
 
Yeah, well, I see some
obvious scaling issues,
but...
 
I think
it's pretty damn good.
 
All right, we are here.
 
As you can see,
desert, forest.
 
What's this look like?
 
It's the cave.
 
That's the cave.
That's where we're living.
 
Standard volcano. Okay?
 
Now, I will tether
Will to this hot air
balloon right here.
 
Okay? And it will be
fitted with a crude
tachyon reflector-array
 
that I fashioned out
of a thermal blanket
and a cell phone charger.
 
I don't remember ever
volunteering for that.
 
Holly, you and I will
follow Will's directions
 
as he searches
for the telltale
ping of the missing
 
and still presumably
operational tachyon meter.
 
(ROARING)
 
Oh, God, he's close.
 
I've taken care of that.
 
During the course
of my professional career,
 
I've done extensive
research with reptiles
and various birds of prey,
 
of which dinosaurs are.
 
Well, that's disputable.
 
Please be quiet.
 
They have a very
acute sense of smell.
 
And now while
I've gathered this
 
strictly for genetic research
to be used upon our return,
 
I think it would prove
wise to use this now.
Hadrosaur urine.
 
We are going
to cover our...
 
Wait. What is that?
 
Hadrosaur urine.
 
How'd you get that?
 
Well, while you
were sleeping,
 
I'm out gathering
research. Okay?
 
This was to be used
for genetic engineering,
 
and I was going
to write a report
on kidney function,
 
but now
it'll just be camouflage.
We'll all blend in. Okay?
 
So we will
cover ourselves...
 
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
 
I'm just trying
to figure this out.
 
(SIGHING) Oh, my God!
 
So you've been
gathering urine.
 
Yes. What's the problem?
 
That means that you
stood under a dino dong
with a bucket.
 
If you want to be technical
and reduce it to its basest
element, yes, I was.
 
How'd that work
out for you?
 
Are you honestly
asking me?
 
Yeah.
 
It's very peaceful.
It's a little bit
like fly fishing.
 
Just out there
in the night air.
Still. Calm.
 
And then, zing!
You get a big catch.
 
Okay. So we'll cover
our bodies in urine,
 
and then we'll
be virtually undetectable
to all dinosaurs.
 
(ROARING)
 
All right. Here they come.
Should have thought
of this a long time ago.
 
Whoo!
 
That's refreshing!
 
Make sure to ingest some.
Get that in the bloodstream.
 
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
 
Don't do that.
 
Okay, who's next?
 
Really.
It's not that bad.
 
Check that.
 
Just starting to burn
in my eyes a little bit.
Did not plan for that.
 
It gets up
in the nostrils, too.
You do not want that.
 
Wow. That's early
morning stuff.
 
That is strong!
 
Maybe a second
splash will reduce
some of the effects.
 
Immediately made it worse.
 
Where's my laser pointer?
Never mind.
 
We will probably
have to be doing...
 
(GROANS)
 
Ow!
 
(CHAKA SPEAKING
PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Who's that?
 
(HUMMING)
 
Maybe we should
just follow him.
Nice model, though.
 
Yeah, fine,
let's forget my model
and let's follow the monkey.
 
(CHAKA HUMMING)
 
RICK: Shut up, Chaka!
 
Are we there yet?
 
You find this
funny, Chaka?
 
This is the damn
Bataan Death March
out here.
 
HOLLY: My God!
 
RICK:
Absolutely incredible.
 
HOLLY: This must be the main
entry point into this world.
 
RICK: It's like
a cosmic lost and found.
 
WILL: Wow, look at all
this kick-ass shit to steal.
 
This is like
the world's greatest mall.
 
Yeah, Will,
it's just like a mall.
 
The only thing
it's missing
is a food court!
 
Compsognathus!
Look how they move!
 
Wow. Where are all these
chupacabras going to?
 
I'll tell you where
they're going to.
 
Our raft. The tachyon
meter can't be far.
 
Our raft? That's my raft!
Get away from there!
 
WILL: Stop pecking
on my raft!
 
There's your
food court.
 
(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKER)
 
Ice cream.
 
Hey, hey, hey!
What are you doing?
 
What? I'm gonna go pony up
and get Chaka a cone.
 
It's his first.
No, there's a reason
 
why those dinosaurs
hang out there.
They know.
 
They know what?
 
It's feeding time.
 
(SQUEALING)
 
(SCREAMING)
 
Whoa!
Whoa!
 
(ROARING)
 
An Allosaurus. Female.
 
Yeah.
 
RICK: We're in luck.
 
These large predators
are extremely territorial.
 
Virtually nothing
will distract them
from each other.
 
(BOTH SNIFFING)
 
Crap balls!
 
What do you know?
 
This is one of those
situations where dumping piss
on your head's a bad idea.
 
Run!
 
Lead, Chaka!
 
Lead your master
to safety!
 
Hey! Chaka!
 
Chaka, no!
 
Why? You're a little
asshole, Chaka!
 
Spread out!
lt'll confuse him!
 
Try running
in a serpentine
pattern!
 
He's incapable of rapid
course correction!
 
Serpentine, everyone!
 
Serpentine!
Serpentine!
Serpentine!
 
(SCREAMS)
 
Serpentine! Serpentine!
 
Serpentine!
 
Son of a tit!
 
Hey, Marshall,
you ever get tired
of being wrong?
 
I do. I really do.
Bone tired.
 
Get on your horse,
Rick Marshall.
 
They're working
as a pair.
 
Fascinating
but terrifying.
 
(SNIFFING)
 
No!
 
Marshall!
 
RICK: Still here!
I hope you're taping this!
 
HOLLY: I got it!
 
(ROARING)
 
(HIP-HOP MUSIC
PLAYING ON SPEAKER)
 
I don't want to...
I don't want
to die in a Hummer!
 
It's a massacre.
 
(SQUEAKING)
 
Quiet!
 
(BURPS)
 
Gross.
 
RICK: Set the catapult!
 
What?
 
Set the catapult!
 
What?
 
Set the F-ing catapult!
 
This thing?
 
RICK:
Catapult, now!
 
No, no, no, no!
Take her that way!
 
Go that way!
 
Just do it!
 
Come on.
 
How the hell
do you set a catapult?
 
I don't know.
Just turn it.
 
One! Two!
 
Three!
 
(ROARING)
 
Crank that thing!
 
Oh, God. Oh, God.
 
Crank that mother!
 
I'm coming in hot!
 
(BLOWING WHISTLE)
 
Keep going!
 
Put your backs into it.
 
Package has arrived.
 
What's the package?
 
It's a canister
of refrigerant.
 
Hit it now!
 
(EXCLAIMS)
 
I did not expect that.
 
(GRUNTS)
 
(SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
 
Gay show tunes!
 
Cassie. Bebe.
Tachyon meter!
 
(SINGING) Still it isn't over
 
We did it! We're saved!
 
Look at all the people!
 
(WHISPERING) That blows.
 
That blows.
 
Marshall?
 
What are you doing?
 
(SIGHS)
 
I'm giving up.
 
And it feels good.
 
But what about finding
a way home and validation
for your life's work?
 
You're just gonna
give all that up
just to lie here?
 
No, of course not.
 
Lying here is just
Phase One of the plan.
 
It's Phase Two that
gets me really excited.
 
It involves adjusting
the angle of my recline
 
and putting this hand
halfway down my pants.
 
Deceptively simple,
yet elegant.
 
Yep. I tried, I failed,
and you know what?
 
Once again,
it's my own damned vault.
 
You mean "fault."
 
No, I actually mean "vault."
It's from a poster
with a pole vaulter on it.
 
That's really
freaking stupid, man.
 
You know, actually,
I can't even believe
I'm hearing this.
 
Any scientist
in his right mind
would give his...
 
Initiating Phase Two.
 
(IMITATING MACHINERY BUZZING)
 
Do you know how I first
heard about you? As a joke.
 
First year at Cambridge,
we used to e-mail
your little appearance
 
with Matt Lauer
around for a laugh.
 
I mean, as YouTube
Hall of Fame moments goes,
 
it was Lauer versus Marshall,
 
and then that monkey
pissing in his own face.
In that order.
 
But I wasn't laughing,
because I was fascinated.
 
I saw a man who was willing
to swim dangerous waters
 
for the sake
of his need to know.
 
I took that to heart,
Dr. Marshall.
 
I committed myself
to your theories,
 
and then I got tossed
out of Cambridge for it.
 
For my theories,
you threw your future away?
 
Yeah, that's what
everyone told me.
 
But I didn't believe it,
not till now.
 
Have you seen
this monkey video?
 
Yeah, I've seen it
about a dozen times.
 
God bless the Internet.
Come on, Chaka.
 
Let's work on our
mission statement.
 
CHAKA: Okay.
 
(HOWLING)
 
How's it going?
 
What's wrong,
little guy?
You okay?
 
Lady troubles?
 
Yeah.
 
Yeah, tell me
about it.
 
This obviously stays
between me and you,
 
but I'm coming up
on a six-year dry spell.
 
Yeah.
Yeah.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
He says that
he misses his tribe.
It's a beautiful existence.
 
They're carefree
and nomadic, and they
live where the food is.
 
Just like me.
 
I moved tres times
just to be closer
to a Ruby Tuesday's.
 
Yeah. Continue.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Their women
wait on the men,
 
serving all
their needs.
 
I'm liking this.
Continue.
 
Though they're ugly,
 
they make up for it
with nice personalities.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
He says as prince
of his tribe,
 
he personally is served
by a harem of 7,000 women.
 
Wow. Not bad,
little dude.
 
Yeah, and they bring him
all the apples he can...
 
Oh! Yeah.
 
Yeah, you get the idea.
I'm not translating that.
 
(BANJO PLAYING)
 
Any room around that
fire for a jerk like me?
 
I thought you gave up.
 
I did.
I gave up on giving up.
 
(SIGHS)
 
Sat out there
for a long time,
 
just me, my shame,
 
and this little four-string.
 
Then I had
a change of heart.
 
I tried too long and hard
to think of something
to say to you guys,
 
and, well, I realized there
wasn't anything to say.
 
But maybe,
just maybe, there's
something I could sing.
 
No, it's all right. It...
 
(SINGING) Marshall,
Will and Holly
 
On a routine expedition
 
Met the greatest
earthquake ever known
 
That's all I got.
Yeah, that was fine.
 
Yeah, apology
accepted, dude.
That's...
 
Thanks. You guys
are being so generous.
 
I really appreciate it.
I think the healing has begun.
 
(SINGING) Met the greatest
earthquake ever known
 
High on the rapids,
it struck their tiny raft...
 
(BOTH EXCLAIM)
 
That's good.
 
(SINGING) And
plunged them down...
 
(YAWNING)
 
I'm so tired.
 
(SINGING) A thousand
feet below...
 
Well, I'm feeling weak.
Really bushwhacked.
 
Anyway, here's...
Here's how I end it.
 
A little arpeggio,
nothing fancy.
 
I'm really kind of sleepy.
 
(SINGING) To the land...
 
Land of the...
 
(EXCLAIMING WEARILY)
 
(ALL SCREAM)
 
I'm so... I'm so tired. So...
 
What happened?
 
You had a bug on you,
but it's gone now.
 
Okay.
 
(GRUNTING)
 
(EXHALES)
 
All right, everyone,
rise and shine.
 
Listen up.
It's a new day.
 
Yes, we've had a setback.
 
Yes, it is tempting
to stay in this
world and die,
 
but that's not how
the new Marshall rolls.
You hear me?
 
Not by a damn sight.
 
This isn't "hands down
the pants" Marshall.
All right?
 
This isn't "gorging on two
pints of Ben & Jerry's
and a whole spiral-cut ham
 
"while watching not one
but two Mama's Family's
Reunions" Marshall.
 
Uh-uh! He's gone.
 
Here's the deal.
Enik's counting on us.
 
The whole world's
counting on us.
 
If we have any hope
of returning home,
 
we need to take back
that tachyon meter,
and take it back hard.
 
That means climbing,
hours of arduous
climbing up sheer cliffs.
 
Not tomorrow,
not in a few hours,
but right now.
 
Understood?
Yep.
 
Understood, Will?
 
Hmm?
 
Let's move out, you pansies.
 
Hey! This is not
a race, okay?
 
(SQUAWKING)
 
(SHOW TUNE PLAYING)
 
(SINGING) Again! Step, kick,
kick, leap, kick, touch
 
Again! Step, kick,
kick, leap, kick, touch
 
Again! Step, kick,
kick, leap, kick, touch
 
Again! Step, kick,
kick, leap, kick, touch
 
Right, let's do the whole
combination facing
away from the mirror
 
From the top, A-five,
six, seven, eight!
 
WILL: What the hell?
 
HOLLY: Pterodactyl
eggs are incubating
all over the caldera.
 
And there's your
shitty boom box.
 
Across a sea
of thin volcanic glass.
 
Okay, Will, what you're
gonna want to do is evenly
distribute your weight,
 
while at the same time,
keeping an eye
out for the eggs.
 
Hey! Will?
I know you're faking.
 
Okay. Chaka.
 
(SNORING)
 
Chaka!
 
Come on.
 
Fine. Maybe I need
to listen to the words
 
of a group of young kids
trying to make it onstage.
 
God, I hope I get it.
 
I hope I get it.
 
Marshall.
 
Be careful.
 
I'm up! I'm up.
I got this.
 
Marshall, you got it.
 
(SQUAWKING)
 
(SINGING)
God, I hope I get it!
 
Do me a favor.
Just keep an eye
on the mother, okay?
 
You mustn't change the surface
temperature of the eggs.
 
Even a drop of sweat
could activate
the hatching process.
 
Right.
 
(SINGING)
How many people does he...
 
I really need this job
 
Please, God, I need this job
 
I've got to get this job!
 
(SIGHS)
 
I got it. I got it.
 
All right,
let me see the boys
The whole group, ready
 
A-five, six, seven, eight!
 
(MUSIC STOPS PLAYING)
 
(RATTLING)
 
(SQUAWKING)
 
RICK: They're hatching!
Why are they hatching?
 
The music!
It must be like a lullaby.
 
Shut up!
 
(RICK SHUSHING)
 
(SINGING)
God, I hope I get it!
I hope I get it
 
How many people does he need?
 
God, I hope I get it!
I hope I get it
 
How many boys?
How many girls?
 
Look at all the people!
At all the people
 
(ALL SINGING)
How many people does he need?
 
How many boys?
How many girls?
 
How many people does he...
 
(SINGING) I really
need this job
 
Please, God, I need this job
 
I've got to get this job!
 
(SNORING)
 
(WHOOPING)
 
RICK: People,
we are going home!
 
I'm gonna miss this place
that proves I was right.
 
Drink. Drink, yes.
 
Oh! That is delicious
and refreshing! Mmm-mmm.
 
Sweet and sour,
like Chinese food.
 
Yeah.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
He's saying
it's a celebratory
drink in his village.
 
Cheers!
 
Yeah, it brings
a joyful lightness
to the heart and soul.
 
No, no. No.
 
No, I'm sorry, it's not
"joyful lightness."
 
A better translation
would be
"howling loneliness."
 
And then your bravery
will be tested
as your mind fogs.
 
And the Shadow Hags
will rise from
the graves and...
 
And hold you
in an icy embrace.
 
And it'll feel like your
bowel's being pierced
 
by a ghost serpent.
 
Well, that
can't be right.
 
No, that can't be right.
 
Chaka...
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Oh, no, no.
 
Okay, he says
it's not ghost serpent.
 
It's much closer
to "zombie dick."
 
I think it might
be a narcotic.
 
Is that so?
 
I need you to be honest
with me, okay? You a cop?
 
Chaka.
 
That's not an answer, Chaka.
That's your name.
 
Seriously, by law,
you have to tell me
if you're a police officer.
 
Marco.
Polo.
 
You wearing a wire?
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Marco.
Polo.
 
(DEVICE POWERING ON)
 
Hello.
 
(BEEPING RAPIDLY)
 
Hot coffee!
 
I need food.
Marshall!
 
Yeah.
 
Fruit me, buddy.
 
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
 
(ALL SIGH)
 
Yeah. Yeah,
right there.
 
Get it on there.
 
Thank you.
 
Chaka.
 
I owe you
an apology, okay?
 
(FLY BUZZING)
 
I'm a guest
in your land.
 
A guest who came
unannounced, uninvited,
 
and I've treated you
like a toilet. A toilet!
 
I wanna make
it up to you.
 
Because the love
I feel for you,
and I'm not exaggerating,
 
is a billion
times greater
 
than the love for mankind
that Jesus felt on the cross.
 
You can take
that to the bank.
 
(BOTH SPEAKING
PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
I'm so glad you
guys squashed that.
 
I love you guys so much.
You guys are amazing.
 
I don't ever
want to go home.
No.
 
This is just like
Sandals Resort.
 
Mmm-hmm.
 
There's good people,
a lot of good food.
Good times.
 
I want to make this my life.
I must make...
Be here all the time.
 
Yeah.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
(REPEATING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Mmm.
 
Hey. Hey.
 
You're funny, Chaka.
 
He's hilarious.
You're funny.
 
His jokes are disgusting.
 
(ALL LAUGHING)
 
You're funny.
 
Hey, for real, though?
Mmm?
 
How much money would
I have to pay y'all
to French kiss each other?
 
For real?
 
Totally for real.
 
For real, for real?
 
Tongue in his
monkey mouth.
 
Hey, if it doesn't leave
the three of us, I'd do it
for free right now.
 
It's not gonna
leave here.
 
I'd do it
right now.
 
Let me see it.
Kiss him.
 
It doesn't leave
the three of us?
 
Never. I won't tell anybody.
Who am I gonna tell?
 
You French kiss him!
I... I'm gonna do it.
 
Come here.
I want you to...
What?
 
What?
Get... Get...
 
(LAUGHING)
 
WILL: You guys
are gross!
 
I don't wanna do it!
I don't wanna do it!
 
I don't wanna do it.
 
WILL: Oh! That's gross!
 
I've changed my mind.
 
(GASPS)
 
Dinosaur eggs!
 
Dinosaur poo.
 
This is the Zarn!
 
Heed my warning
or be destroyed!
 
Well, we're...
We're just trying
to get home.
 
Enik the Altrusian
has escaped our custody!
 
He has overtaken
the central pylon
and its crystals
 
and now plans to lead his army
of Sleestak on a rampage
across time and space!
 
If you're hearing this,
heed my warning.
Do not believe...
 
(ENIK LAUGHING)
 
No! Enik! No!
 
The Zarn.
 
(SCREAMING) I've gotta
go and warn them that...
 
Holly?
 
Holly?
 
They've taken Holly.
 
Chaka?
I've got a mission for you.
Now listen closely.
 
I don't know
what that means.
 
(WHISPERING)
Just come on.
 
Oh, man.
 
Sentries.
Classic hive behavior.
 
Obviously on patrol.
 
Yep, just like drones,
tirelessly hunting.
 
Dude, it looks like
they're getting
ready to make out.
 
No. No, no, no.
 
(CROAKING)
 
He's about
to tap that ass.
 
(WHISPERING)
Would you shut up?
 
He's not about
to tap that ass.
 
You're right.
He's totally
tapping that ass.
 
Wow. Our own
little private show.
 
(CROAKING INTENSIFYING)
 
(SCREECHING)
 
WILL: Oh, God, they shed.
 
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
 
Hi.
 
Hey, don't do that!
Just focus.
 
SKULL 1: We find you guilty
of providing assistance
to Enik the Altrusian.
 
There she is.
 
SKULL 1: Prepare to meet
the Sleestak god.
 
No.
 
Stop!
Marshall!
 
SKULL 1: Do not interfere!
 
Dude, what the hell
are you doing?
 
SKULL 1: This one was caught
trying to deliver
a tachyon device to Enik.
 
If you want Holly,
you've gotta deal with us.
 
No, no, Marshall, don't!
 
Because we're all
friends of Enik!
 
SKULL 1: Enik the Altrusian
is guilty of the destruction
of an entire civilization.
 
Entire what now?
 
SKULL 1: Convicted
of his crimes,
 
he was sentenced
to 10,000 years
imprisonment...
 
He lied to us.
 
...and made to wear a tunic
as a symbol of his deceit.
 
Told you, dude. Tunic.
 
SKULL 1: As his allies,
you shall die as well.
 
SKULL 2: Seize them!
 
Come on.
 
Marshall!
 
Hold on, Holly!
 
(GROANS)
 
See you.
 
We can do this. Ready?
 
Ready.
 
(SIGHS)
 
Wait. Wait, what about our...
Our working relationship?
 
I've wanted to do that
since I first met you.
 
You mean we could've been
doing this the whole time?
 
Yeah, but I was worried
it wouldn't be professional
 
or it'd distract
you from your work.
 
No. No, not distracting.
Never distracting.
 
Are you guys kidding me?
Come on! Really!
Now is the time for this?
 
You know, he's...
He's right.
 
We've got to stop Enik,
and right now
he has the upper hand.
 
I mean, I know we have
the element of surprise,
but...
 
Yeah, about that.
 
What?
 
We sent Chaka to go get him.
 
(ENIK LAUGHING)
 
Well, then, Rick Marshall.
 
Coming here represents
a slight adjustment
to my plans, but no matter.
 
I have what I need.
 
And it's all thanks to you,
Dr. Marshall, and this.
 
(LAUGHING)
 
Don't.
We're outgunned.
 
ENIK: My Sleestak
stand prepared.
 
With the power
of the crystals,
 
they are my slaves,
my conquering army.
 
Thanks to your device,
 
I can lead an invasion force
anywhere I choose
in all of time and space.
 
But I believe I will
begin with your Earth.
 
Oh, no.
 
ENIK: My Sleestaks
reproduce quickly.
 
Yeah, we already caught
some of that action.
 
ENIK: In mere weeks,
your world will be overrun
by their scaly offspring.
 
And when I'm standing
in the cinders
of your civilization,
 
I'll be sure to give you
full scientific credit.
 
I know how important
that is to you.
 
Now save your strength.
You'll need it.
 
(LAUGHING)
 
"You'll need it"?
What is he...
 
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
 
HOLLY: Marshall?
 
Great.
 
(ROARING)
 
Right, you run
and I'll distract him.
He's not after me.
 
No. I'm not running.
 
This ends here.
 
HOLLY: Marshall,
what are you doing?
 
Maybe what I was
always meant to do.
 
Now, just go. I'll meet
you at the pylon, I hope.
 
No, we're not
leaving without you.
 
Go!
 
Get out of here!
I don't love you.
 
Go!
Ow! Marshall!
 
Get! You're ugly.
 
(SCOFFS)
 
(WHISTLES)
 
(ROARS)
 
Look, if you're gonna
do this for real, take this.
 
Got some high-powered
fireworks in here
that might come in handy.
 
Are you kidding me?
 
You mean you've been
carrying a bag of fireworks
 
around with you
this whole time?
 
There's literally a dozen
situations where
we could have used these.
 
(ROARING)
 
(SHUSHING)
 
He's right. None of that's
important now, okay?
 
Listen. I gotta just
level with you, bro.
I misjudged you.
 
I thought you were
just a dumbass dude who
dressed stupid, but I'm wrong.
 
You're solid.
Thanks.
 
Thick or thin,
I will follow you
into battle at any time.
 
You hear me?
Absolutely any time.
 
Okay. How about now?
 
Like right now?
Yes.
 
(ROARING)
 
Honestly, I didn't
really expect you to call
the favor in this soon.
 
So, on this one,
unfortunately
I'm gonna have to say no.
 
But I think it's gonna
be awesome for you,
for personal growth,
 
just to hit this one solo.
 
I'm gonna be rooting
for you. Okay?
 
Trenches, bro.
It's all about love.
 
Okay?
 
After this time,
I'm there for you, okay?
 
Any time after now.
 
He's your man, not me.
 
All right, it's a fact.
You and I don't
like each other.
 
Yes. And only
one will remain.
 
I'm just gonna
have to fight you
at your own game.
 
(EXCLAIMS)
 
(ROARING)
 
(YELPING)
 
Stay back. Get back.
 
Damn, you're quick.
'Cause you're a dinosaur.
 
But you don't carry
around these, do you?
 
Huh?
 
Welcome to the big
bang theory, my friend.
 
Damn it, Will!
 
Ah! That was stupid.
 
You're cornered, man!
There's no way out!
 
There's always a way out!
 
'Cause if you
don't make it...
 
It's your own damn vault.
 
My God! He's gonna do it!
 
Do it! Do it!
 
(GASPS)
 
(BURPS)
 
(EXCLAIMING)
 
Oh, God!
 
No, no.
 
I don't believe it.
 
Oh, shit.
 
(EXCLAIMS)
Yeah! You! You bastard!
 
Do you realize
who you just ate,
do you?
 
Probably the most
brilliant man ever.
 
Probably the only man
who ever really knew you.
 
All right, so he was wrong
about the size of your brain,
 
but you don't go
and eat a man for that.
 
You reason with him,
you stupid idiot!
 
He was your future!
 
He was my future!
 
And I'm never gonna get
a chance to tell him
that because of you!
 
It's cool. It's cool.
 
I'm sorry.
 
(PANTING)
 
Right. Now we must get home.
We're gonna get back,
 
and we're gonna tell the world
what Dr. Rick Marshall
did here today.
 
Come on,
you big green bastards.
 
I am sick and tired of you
slow-moving little wankers!
 
(GRUNTING)
 
Will!
 
All right, little dude.
Let's do this.
 
Lock and load!
 
(SCREAMING)
 
Boo-ya!
 
You want some of this?
Eat, Chaka, eat!
 
Holly!
 
HOLLY: Will!
 
(RUMBLING)
 
Step... Step and lift!
 
(ROARING)
 
All right, my murderous
friend, take us home.
 
(WHOOPING)
 
Get!
 
Bite that guy
right back there! Nice.
 
(WHOOPS) Good get.
 
That's him. That's him.
 
Upper deck! The horror!
 
God, that is the coolest
thing I have ever seen.
 
Let's do it, pal.
 
(WHOOPS)
 
The only thing
cooler would be if he'd
slide down Grumpy's tail
 
just like Fred Flintstone
would do when...
 
(WHOOPING)
 
Oh, God, I've lived.
I have lived.
 
Easy. Hey, come on,
it tickles.
 
Marshall!
 
What happened?
 
Dude, we thought
you had died!
 
Died? No. That was
just a minor setback.
 
Okay, let's go home.
 
No, no, no, wait.
This is insane.
 
We saw you go down
Grumpy's cake hole.
 
What, did he puke
you out or something?
Well...
 
No, it's not possible.
The T. Rex
lacked a gag reflex.
 
Not important right now.
 
I'm okay, and that's it.
 
This is a puzzler.
 
Look, I'd really rather
not talk about it, okay?
 
Now, let's light this candle.
 
No, Marshall,
how did you get out?
 
I will talk to you
about it later!
 
Individually,
to each one of you.
I'll explain it.
 
(SNIFFING)
 
Jeez. Would you grow up?
 
Oh, my God!
 
Yes, he pooped me out!
 
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
 
And now you guys
are friends?
 
While I was snaking
my way through his bowels,
I don't know, I...
 
I must have dislodged
some sort of
intestinal blockage.
 
And, yes, he's in
a much better mood now.
 
So can we move on?
I really would
like to go home.
 
You were deuced
out by a dinosaur.
That is incredibly cool.
 
Grumpy, listen.
 
When you talk about
this, and you will,
 
please be gentle. Okay?
 
All right, gangsta,
let's bones it out.
 
Don't worry about it.
It's hard with your
vestigial arm.
 
Let's go, guys.
To freedom.
 
(ROARING)
 
ENIK: Thank you,
Dr. Marshall.
 
And now,
the doorway opens.
 
(GASPS)
Enik!
 
It's over.
You're not going anywhere.
 
You think you can
challenge me?
 
(SHOUTING)
 
I wrestled at Purdue.
 
(LAUGHING)
 
J.V.
 
Fight, fight, fight!
 
Chaka!
Nicaraguan ball breaker!
 
Marshall! I'm coming in!
 
(WHOOPING)
 
(GROANS)
 
Misfire!
 
What have you done?
 
The door.
It's closing forever!
 
It's barely holding.
Let's go!
 
(SCOFFS)
 
It's your home
or your comrade,
Dr. Marshall.
 
(LAUGHS)
 
No, it isn't. Reverse!
 
You go!
I've got this yellow
bastard in lockdown.
 
I'm gonna stay.
 
What?
What?
 
Yeah. I've been
talking to my man Chaka.
 
He pitches
a pretty good world.
 
I mean, think about it.
My home was never
in the real world.
 
I never belonged.
This could be
a fresh start for me.
 
You know, make
some new friends.
 
I could be somebody,
a winner.
 
Ow!
 
Wow, I really admire
you right now.
 
I just feel
like so many people
go through this life
 
looking for what
I've found here,
you know?
 
And they themselves,
they never find it.
 
Or worse, they find it,
but they let it slip away.
 
I am so afraid
of that happening.
 
You wouldn't be human
if you didn't feel scared.
 
Marshall! Please.
 
You can't leave me here
like this with him!
 
As one scientist to another,
I beg you for mercy.
 
Science shows no mercy,
and neither do I.
 
That's good.
Thank you.
 
Let's go, Holly.
 
Ready?
 
Ready.
 
Chaka? Technically,
I'm still your master!
 
HOLLY: Marshall?
 
Holly?
 
(SIGHS)
 
We made it!
 
Thank you.
Thank you.
 
I just want to say
you have grown into
a beautiful woman.
 
Oh, no...
 
ERN: Hey!
 
Where's Will?
 
He went to a better place.
 
You killed him?
 
No.
 
No, he went
to a strange world,
 
a world of dinosaurs,
monkey people, lizard people,
 
a hole in space and time,
a virtual land of the lost.
 
And as hard
as it is to believe,
Will chose to stay.
 
All right. Cool.
 
WILL: Yeah,
did you see those Sleestaks
kick the crap out of Enik?
 
I've never seen
them move so fast.
 
(CHAKA SPEAKING
PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
WILL: Yeah,
I couldn't agree more,
little buddy. Tunic.
 
Hop up.
I got you, come on.
 
Whoa!
 
(GROANING)
 
Man, you are
deceptively heavy.
 
Oh, my God.
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
 
(SPEAKING PRIMATE LANGUAGE)
 
Chaka! My God!
We're kings!
 
CHAKA: Yeah.
 
(EXCLAIMING)
 
Are those what
your women look like?
 
Hop off.
Be cool, be cool,
be cool, be cool.
 
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
 
Easy! Stand down!
Stand down.
 
I got this.
 
How's it going?
I'm Will. Pretty much
Chaka's best friend.
 
I'm here to offer
y'all protection
 
and shelter and really
pretty much anything
 
that you guys would
ever need, okay.
 
Hey, how's it going?
Hey, yeah.
Okay, yeah, that's denim.
 
Denim, yeah. Yeah.
Well, look at that, huh?
 
Hey, you're back there, too.
Okay. This was definitely
a good choice.
 
ANNOUNCER: This is Today,
with Matt Lauer.
 
It's been some time
since my final
guest was here,
 
but after the remarkable
events of the past year,
 
he needs no introduction.
 
He's back with a new book
and more startling evidence
 
of, you guessed it,
time warps.
 
The pipe's allowed.
I asked.
 
That's great news.
 
You've had quite a year.
 
Actually,
a stellar year, Matt.
 
In fact, I brought
you back a dinosaur egg,
 
which my beautiful
partner and lover,
 
Holly Cantrell,
was gracious
enough to transport.
 
And I'm obviously
very excited
 
about my new tome.
It's a book.
 
Sixteen weeks
on the New York Times
bestseller list.
 
Let me get
to your discovery,
Doctor, because...
 
This is for you.
I signed it.
 
(SIGHS)
 
You're supposed
to say the title
and the publisher.
 
That's not gonna happen.
 
Just say it.
No.
 
Just say the damn title.
 
Fine.
 
Matt Lauer Can Suck It,
by Dr. Rick Marshall.
 
I was so surprised
that your attorney
signed off on that.
 
I was like, "Are you sure?
Is this gonna be okay?"
 
He said, "Yeah, go for it."
 
Son of a bitch. You...
 
You puss!
 
MAN ON SPEAKER:
And we're clear.
 
If anyone sees Matt,
can you tell him
he forgot his egg?
 
(ALL LAUGHING)