RIstar 19: It's "Time" to Play Ristar

= Ristar 19: It's Time to Ristar =
Ristar 19: It’s “Time” to Play Ristar (known in europe as it’s time to ristar) is the 19th game in the Ristar series. It is a direct sequel to Ristar 31.6 but nobody knows that because of hubris. The game was directed by Neil Druckmann and explores Ristar’s relationship with his father and Harribo as well as the concept of the multiverse but it did it a lot better than those shitty movies.
== Story ==
====== Scene 1 ======
*the scene opens on a massive cube, much larger than any cube you've seen. inside the cube is a spaceship*
Goon: your vile retchedness our reports show a massive anomaly in the time- y'know what i'm just gonna show  you
*the Goon shows a graph to the shadowy figure showing a multitude of lines, perhaps time lines, all stemming from one branching point.*
Shadowy figure: excellent, excellent. We’ve found the Time Break. Now to perform my evil bidding. 
Goon: what are you bidding on?
Shadowy figure: A garden fountain. Tune into the farthest timeline on our radars. We’ll hash this out, one universe at a time. 
*the Goon turns a knob on the center console as far as it will go, and as it moves the world around the ship changes rapidly; a miasma of different colors paint the sky, stars blink in and out of existence, the ship appears inside the center of a red sun for a moment before tuning over into a cold, dead space. This happens for 30 minutes and was responsible for many cases of epilepsy in children. Finally, they land on one universe. A black abyss reaches out infinitely, and as the ship kicks into gear we see it approach a blue and green planet.*
====== Scene 2 ======
Ristar: what a beautiful day in the skyscraper museum in new york city the most famous museum that i know of. 
Harribo: i don’t get the hype, it’s just a bunch of crummy buildings
Ristar: fuck you. every building is here, from the burj khalifa to the centerpiece of new york city, the one world trade center.
Newscaster: the uberpope has since been denounced by its followers. in other news, the Game Grumps have been elected and sworn in as dual presidents of the united states of america
Ristar: fuck! i forgot to vote!
Harribo: can you even vote? i thought you were a convicted felon
Ristar: part of their opponent’s campaign was to get rid of that
*suddenly, the one world trade center in the museum spontaneously combusts*
Ristar: that’s probably not a good sign.
Arin on the tv: yeah i always thought that big mouth was one of the better shows
Harribo: oh god
Ristar: oh well, what’s the worst that could happen
====== *10 months later* ======
Ristar, now donning cyberpunk enhancements: okay things are actually pretty bad this kinda sucks genuinely
Harribo, now made of slime: yeah who knew that not only would the presidents declare themselves world overlords and align themselves with the tupac terrorists, they would do 9/11 again as a bit.
Ristar: it was a pretty good bit i think actually
Harribo: Ristar Thousands Died
Ristar: no matter about that, we need to go to sam’s club i want 40 muffins
Harribo: their muffins taste like oil
Ristar: then call me the banks of the gulf of mexico on april 20th 2010
====== Scene 5 ======
Ristar: how did we end up here
???: yee ah, bardner you endid up on thr wrong side of town ah think
Harribo: who goes there? i’ll slop on you
Ristar: yeah harribo go slop mode on them
????: we don’t want no trouble now, wer just lookin’ for a cuppla nice city slickers t’ show us where we cin find some “special pepsi”, if you catch my drift
Ristar: special pepsi? what are you even talking about
???: allow us to introduce myself. i’m sam salt
????: and i’m salt skink
Sam: we’re the salt brothers 
Salt: if you don’t know where the pepsi is, we’ll be on our way
Harribo: hold on. i’m gonna trick them
Ristar: we’re gonna deceive them? have we really fallen this far?
Harribo: in the current times, we can’t afford not to
Harribo, lying now: yeah man we want that pepsi. i’m hankerin for a pop if you know me which you do
Sam: i don’t have any reason not to believe you. we’re looking for the pepsi made at the soda machine at the time lake
Ristar: the time lake? that’s an old wive’s tale. 
Salt: yeah well i’m divorced
Harribo: then nobody will miss you!
====== Scene 6 ======
Ristar: that satiated my bloodlust for the time being, but i’m still curious about this time lake
Harribo: well while we were fighting them i got word on the scene that new york city has been destroyed
Newscaster: yeah new york city was destroyed. grinders too!
Ristar: come on! first they came for-
Harribo: dude. stop. i know where you’re going with this. you cannot fucking use First they came… to express your disappointment about losing a shitty chain restaurant
Ristar: but the spudniks!
Harribo: how are you this un-self aware?
Ristar: i’m under a lot of stress lately
Harribo: we all are we’re not using it as an excuse to be a dick
Ristar: whatever, we need to find the time lake
Harribo: some say that the time lake can be found in the top left corner of the united states
Ristar: how top and how left
Harribo: 1 2
Ristar: let's roll
====== Scene 7 ======
Harribo: here we are, the capital of idaho, boise
Ristar: this is just blood. there's just a lot of blood here. why
Harribo: the grumps gutted the postal service. 
Ristar: why does it smell like gasoline 
Harribo: if you think this is bad, you should see gerlse
Ristar: i do, every day
Harribo: you go this way, i'll go that way
Ristar: no. you go that way, i'll go this way.
Harribo: fuckin, whatever.
Ristar: woah, that's a weird potato shaped rock. wait a minute… this is the boise idaho big potato hotel and casino! but how's it this small? could this be the work of the time lake?
Shadowy figure: Hey, ristar, what's up
Ristar: oh nothing much pops what are you doing here in idaho by the way?
Pops?!: I was looking for the boise big potato hotel and waterpark, i was gonna kill a hooker and hide her in the wave pool
Ristar: yeah i love the wave pool. say, do you know where i can find the time lake perchance?
Pops: Yeah, the waterpark gets all their water from the lake
Ristar: well it looks like you've ran out of luck, the time lake reverted the boise potato to a simple normal eating size potato.
Pops: And i'm all out of butter and salt
Ristar: oh shit terrorists
====== Scene 8 ======
Ristar: okay where were we
Pops: We gotta find the time lake so that we can fix the boise potato hotel
Ristar: alright it'll be difficult to find the lake under all this blood though
Pops: Ristar what did i always teach you when you were just a little dude
Ristar: that while many objects float on water, blood mixes in
Pops: That's right, my boy. If we want to find which part of this hellscape is actually a lake, we can't depend on our sight we must use our limbs
Ristar: that's why you're the smartest, pops
Pops: Yes son. The smartest you'll ever know.
Ristar: woah my limbs are stretching into the ground and i feel ground here
Pops: That's it kiddo keep going until you feel a natural bowl in the earth.
====== Scene 9 ======
Ristar: woah this feels like a natural bowl
Tom Onion: what's up man of the stars come to join our hot water swimming party?
Ristar: oh nevermind, this is just soup lake
Chefshoe: yeah, and the secret ingredient is you!
====== Scene 10 ======
Tom Onion: oh thank you so much for saving me ristar, i'm forever in your debt
Ristar: no problem but how did my arch nemesis Chefshoe know that i was gonna be here?
Pops: Maybe your so called "friend" Halcyon lured you here as a trap
Ristar: uh, his name is Harribo everybody knows that. and he'd never betray me! we've been friends since child
Pops: Yeah well we've been friends since you were in my balls, son
Ristar: i don't count that 
Pops: all i'm saying is that you can't trust anyone these days, ever since the postal service got gutted who knows who's seen your mail and who knows who you've killed and lived
Ristar: i do, and Harribo is not one of them
Tom Onion: i heard you talking about the time lake earlier. it's right over there!
Ristar: oh sick
Harribo: hey ristar what's up i found the lake
Ristar: oh nothing harribo uh just wondering you'd never betray me right? 
Harribo: not unless you strived from the path of righteousness like a little bitch
Ristar: yeah but you wouldn't like try to let my greatest rival turn me into soup yeah?
Harribo: why all the questions, you know me i wouldn't do that
Ristar: why are you dodging the question⁉️
Harribo: i'm literally fucking not
Ristar: that's it harribo i'm through with you i'm gonna hang out with my dad now
Pops: hold on a second ristar i need to collect some of this time lake water
Ristar: yeah okay i'll wait a second
Harribo: wait why is he doing that, we came here to stop stuff like that
Ristar: yeah that's a good question. too bad it'll be the last question you ever ask me because we are through!
Pops: finally, i've filled my garden fountain with the time water. it will diffuse into the water on the mothership and then i'll have a steady supply. thanks a lot, fools!
Ristar: dad what are you talking about? you found my mom?
Pops: Oh what? yeah and she's a ship you can't see her though i gotta run
Ristar: okay dad 
Harribo: ristar is that not suspicious to you at all
Ristar: i thought i told you that i  don't  care about you anymore 
Harribo: we came here because people were turning evil when they drank the time lake water. we have no idea what he's gonna do with that
Ristar: he's my dad he's probably gonna drink it while watching some hockey he loves the gulls yeah baby the gulls
Harribo: we should track him just in case
Ristar: oh yeah harribo, let me just whip out my fuckin dad tracking device that i have. that'll solve everything
Harribo: okay no need to be sarcastic
Ristar: i thought it was spelled xarkahstik
Harribo: what kind of idiot would spell it like that
Ristar: anyway my dad tracking device says "up". it's never done that before i don't know what it means
Harribo: okay let's go up
Ristar: no you stay here i can't work with you anymore after you accused my dad of wrongdoing
Harribo: that wasn't even what you were originally angry about me about
Ristar: i can't hear you to busy using my shooting star speed
====== Scene 11 ======
Pops: your disgusting majesty i have the water it's right here in this fountain
Shadowy figure: very good, ristar's dad bot. gentlemen, we have stolen time. we finally have the key element and now we may travel both across universes and time itself
Ristar: hey guys what's up woah! nice cloak
SF then pulls out a gun and shoots ristar in the leg
Ristar: ah! my second best leg!
SF: hahahaha, ristar you fool. when you were just a child, your father went out into the cosmos to fight the sinister kaiser lusty. the kaiser, as well as his 6 siblings, were created by me out of the DNA found on my home planet. i replaced your father with an exact duplicate and sent my minions to the earth to infect the political machine. every presidency since the first has been a puppet put in place by me to further my goals of multiversal conquest. only now as you reached legal adulthood in the united states did i enact my plan by instituting the game grumps as dual presidents. i knew that only one as strong as you could lead my minion to the time lake, where i will drink the water straight from the source to become the fastest living being in the multiverse, even faster than dale earnhardt if he had a rocket car. for you see ristar, i am…
*SF takes off his hood*
Ristar: no, it can't be!
Lord Ye: that's right ristar, it was me all along! 
Ristar: but that's impossible! you died on zanzibar island all those years ago
Ye: that was your universe's version of me. i am the alpha ye from which all other yes are derived. 
Ristar: i should've known!
Ye: now i will drink this ichor mmm oh it tastes so bad oh god it's so stale mmm yummy oh i hate it oh wow i can see through time now.
Ristar: hey can i have a taste
Ye: oh yeah sure ma hey what the fuck! no!
Ristar: too late you already said yeah no take backsies
Ye: okay but give me a second to make it uh taste better for you
Ristar: yeah okay
Ye: okay i'm back have a taste of this
Ristar: oh yeah that does taste better than noooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllll
Ye: you utter buffoon! that was the antidote! you're now stuck in time
Ristar: yyyyyyyyooooooouuuuuuuu wwwwwwoooooooonnnnnnnnttttttttt gggggggggeeeeeeeeettttttttt aaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy wwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttthhhhhhhhh ttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiissssssssss
Ye: i already practically have. now you must suffer the ultimate humiliation as i lock you up to see your precious multiverse be destroyed.
Ye: uh uh
call me the video game nerd cause i'm angry *is shot in the spine*
?????: here drink this ristar
Ristar: oh thank god but who are you stranger?
?????: my name is Todd Rogers, but you can call me Todd "Rod" Rogers
Ristar: i'm not gonna do that. where do you come from?
Todd: i was playing this game and i couldn't bare to see you stuck in time so i mashed and i mashed and i was able to get into the game myself to save you 
Ristar: wait this what?
Todd: this video game
Ristar: oh my god. oh my fucking god. this is a video game? oh god oh fuck oooooh all my memories are fake
Todd: no time for that, we need to get *is shot in the spine*
Ristar: Todd Rod Rogers!
Ye: you idiots, because of my faster than ever speed my body healed from the bullet wound lickety split. men send him to the bathtub full of the antidote so that he gets fossilized and frozen a lot
Hench: right away your awful shittiness
Ye: and as for you ristar, you're in normal time again but i ran out of the antidote from filling a bathtub with it so you'll just have to see me take everything over normally now
Ristar: hey if you can travel through universes why didn't you just go to one with a time lake at the start you had to wait for eons
Ye: there was only one universe that had the exact specifications needed to create the time lake it's a kinda fall behind at the start to get ahead later thing
Ristar: oh yeah that makes sense can i get some of that time lake water now this bullet hole in my leg is hurting a lot
Ye: fuckin, no.
Ristar: was worth a shot hey what's that over there
Ye: i'm not gonna fall for that ristar, i'm not an infant
Ristar: there someone in that sink and. what is she doing? is that… no it can’t be. her pussy?!
Ye: well this i gotta see
Ristar: c'mon long arms, you can do it
Ristar reaches for the water but it is snatched away by Popbot
Ristar: c'mon old man, we've been through so much together
Popbot: ristar i'm sorry but all those memories mean literally nothing to me i have no emotions
Ristar: what about all the hookers and alcohol?
Popbot: they were whores and rockers and they deserve what we did to them and the alcohol was shitty and cheap
Ristar: if you really mean all of that then just kill me now. i lost my closest friend from being insecure in our friendship and from not taking others feelings into account and now he's gonna be enslaved or perhaps killed probably and it's my fault. and it doesn't matter that this is all just a video game for todd rogers to play because the memories i have with him, artificially inseminated or not, were real to me. i just want to apologize to him
Popbot: that's all i needed to hear
Ristar: suicidal ideations?
Popbot: no 
Popbot then takes off his mechanical head to reveal Harribo
Ristar: Harribo! you followed me even thought i expressly said not to, thus betraying my trust
Harribo: i couldn't leave you alone, were in this to the bitter end
Ristar: let's go save Todd Rod Rogers!
====== Scene 12 ======
Ye: now that his body is completely frozen in time and his brain waves are moving so slow that it can be compared to brain death but he can still detect the world around him in an awful state of half death, i'm gonna make it look like he's picking his nose lol
Hench: how funny, your dicklessness
Ye: you need to stop with these honorifics
Ristar: lord ye prepare to meet your maker!
Ye: how about you meet your maker
Ristar: damn, he's always one step ahead of me
Harribo: it's over, we have you outnumbered 2 to 1
Ye: no, i got my main men Goon and Hench. right guys?
they doesn't move
Ye: Hench. c'mon man, please. c'mon man i worked so hard, this, you're just making me angry.
Ristar: we'll make sure you never are able to change any reality more than you already have
Ye: for why?
Harribo: what?
Ye: why would it matter? you're going to go back to a reality that is shaped by me, where my men are in charge of every faculty, a world where the cogs of the machine are oiled with the blood of the working men
Harribo: well maybe there's a different way. a way to rise against the people who step on each other and pollute the world to become richer.
Ye: there's no way, the economic and philosophic theory that would support that model doesn't exist
Ristar: well maybe we'll make it, but first we gotta kill you
Ye: you'll have to catch me first
====== Scene 13 ======
Harribo: damn it, he's too fast! we'll never catch up to him
Ristar: it's not hopeless harribo we just need to attack where he's going to be, not where he is
Harribo: oh good point
Harribo bites a random space and lord ye happens to be there and he is bitten
Ye: ai ai ai!
Ristar: good thinking, harribo! how did you know he'd be there?
Harribo: rng manipulation
Ye: hee hee hee
Ristar: what are you even laughing at?
Ye: you fools, i still have a stash of the good stuff all to myself and i'm gonna put it in my VEINS!
Ristar: uh oh!
*before ye can shoot up with the rest of the water, the stasis on Todd "Rod" Rogers breaks and he grasps ye's arm*
Ye: wha-? but that's impossible! it defies all possible laws of physics
slowly, Todd rises from with a glowing left eye
Todd: your plan was nearly perfect, lord ye. but you forgot about one thing.
Ye: what was that
Todd: THE HUMAN ELEMENT
Todd then unleashes a magnum blast, decimating ye 
Todd: yippee! oh shit, the ship is going haywire i gotta get out of here
Todd mashes out of the game
Ristar: we need to get on the escape pod i think i saw one earlier
Harribo: it's too late i saw hench get on it and escape
Ristar: maybe if i take a sip of the time lake juice i can go back to make this never happen
Harribo: ristar that's a really slippery slope you saw how the possibility of conquest over the timespace continuum drove lord ye to madness i don't want that to happen to you
Ristar: for you my friend it's on the house
Harribo: oh boy i can't wait to get onto the top of the house to get it
both are destroyed in a time explosion
== Trivia ==
* the game was acclaimed at release but some gamers were enraged by the scene where ristar expresses his feelings of self loathing saying “more like cuckstar. riscuck maybe.”
* this was the first and so far only ristar game in universe xr
* Todd “Rod” Rogers, when asked about his involvement in the game, said “there are still pieces missing to the puzzle but for now i’m just so excited i got to meet ristar i’ve been a fan since my baby years because my brain was more developed than most people’s could be. i was so excited that you couldn’t see it in the game because i was moving too fast for the human eye but i was really excited.”
* Arin Hanson is voiced by Bjork in the game.
* Dan grump, despite not having any lines, is listed as being voiced by Tim Allen.
* There was originally a larger plotline involving the tupac terrorists but it was removed “for ethical reasons”. A sprite from this original plotline can be seen below.
* 
Category:Games