Puns

What do the starship Enterprise and Van Gogh have in common? They are both searching for the Final Front Ear! 
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When Mark Antony confronted Cleopatra over her drinking problem, she was in denial.
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Nero was talking to his financial advisors in a Roman amphitheater. "Why aren't we making any money from this building?" he said. An advisor replied, "Because the lions are eating up all the prophets."
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An Englishman and a diplomat of the Czech Republic went on a hunting trip. When they did not return for several days, a search party was sent after them. The party found a he-bear and a she-bear, each with full tummies. The government of the Chech republic was insistent on having the remains of their diplomat returned. Not wanting to kill both animals unnecessarily, they summoned the Pope to ask for his assistance. The Pope carefully examined both animals and announced that the diplomat of the Chech republic was assuredly in the he-bear. They killed the he-bear only to find the remains of the Englishman. The moral of the story is: Even if the Pope tells you the Czech is in the male don't believe it!
:Alternate: A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. 
:The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
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It was so quiet in the bowling alley that you could hear a pin drop...
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To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
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One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a sole-mate. 
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"She said I lived in an ugly house, so I knocked her flat!" 
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On the tombstone of a farmer whose dying wish was to be buried in his vegetable garden: "Rest in Peas". 
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What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers? "Law-suits." 
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Did you hear about the optician who made a spectacle of himself? 
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The women's Olympic swimming champion was a girl worth wading for. 
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Little known fact: One day, Mr. Ed couldn't perform because he was feeling a little horse. 
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication. 
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A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
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Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
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Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
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Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
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A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
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A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
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Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
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Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
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Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
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A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: "I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I find he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?"
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Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight. These, of course, are only round figures.
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There were two ships. One had red paint, one had blue paint. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned.
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When I was in the supermarket I saw a man and a woman wrapped in a barcode. I asked, "Are you two an item?"
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist's office wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."
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I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
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Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
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At a hearing aid center: "Let us give you some sound advice."
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Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here!"
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Did you hear about the constipated composer? He couldn't finish the last movement.
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Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
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How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
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I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
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Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 
Category:Language Humor