The Crow: Wicked Prayer / Devil and his Shorty

The Crow: Wicked Prayer / Devil and his Shorty is the title of the video in which Civvie reviews the movie The Crow: Wicked Prayer, the fourth film in The Crow series. It is the fifth episode of season zero, and the overall fifth episode of Civvie's Dungeon.
== Synopsis ==
== Video ==
== Transcript (auto-generated) ==
the chrome wicked prayer is a sequel to
the crow salvation which is a sequel to
the crow City Angels which is a sequel
to a good movie
wicked prayer is the worst part of a
series that actually killed someone I
don't mean to always talk [ __ ] about
franchises that are declined in quality
it's just that when you start really
high and fall really really far the
impact is much greater that's science
this is a direct-to-dvd sequel movie
starring Edward Furlong best known for
this money come on
also David Boreanaz Danny Trejo this guy
whoever this girl is Dennis Hopper and
Tara Reed who is the staple of quality
in any movie she's across
so for the uninitiated the crow was a
movie about a guy and his wife they got
violently murdered and the guy came back
for revenge with the help of a mystical
bird that made him invincible a
surrogate daughter and an awesome long
black coat that real people can't
actually go around wearing without the
police getting called basically a
revenge movie but with some nuanced
characterization and an exploration of
the morality of being an unstoppable
revenge monster like you see a lot of
people talk about how badass the crow is
but you got to understand that you're
looking at a person who has completely
lost his goddamn mind
he is drooling mad nobody's afraid of
him because he's dressed like that
they're afraid of him because he's a
sadistic lunatic but in the movie he's a
sadistic lunatic pointed another
statistic lunatics
so we root for him seriously
[Music]
professionally every now and then a
major studio shits out a low-budget
direct-to-dvd movie and a franchise long
past its sell-by date death race
Hellraiser disney movies most of them
aren't even this bad except for the
Hellraiser ones
Oh God so two minutes in and you really
start to get the direct-to-video sequel
vibe with the awkward slow motion these
guys giving each other devil horns I
mean oh god no I'm getting Suicide Squad
flashbacks I hope they don't introduce
all these characters twice
wait famine makes booth you're living
look at these safety violations this
place should be [ __ ] shut down so how
does no one see this assassin in this
tower with this rifle and no movie you
wouldn't
that's not no the first scene in this
movie involves Tara Reid with a sniper
rifle so you know she's tougher to
badass just like you know she's smart
and alone in the dark cause she wears
glasses they have kind of use
constellations to pinpoint a geographic
location but I don't think they're just
here enlighten it then we get introduced
to Edward furlongs character Johnny
Cuervo here's a list of stupid normal
first name but last name is a brand of
liquor jokes I wrote
Cuervo is also Spanish for crow because
subtlety so he's in love with this girl
and her dad doesn't like that because
Jimmy Cuervo is an ex-con
he killed a guy but we find out later
that it's okay because that guy was a
rapist sure okay but since there's ton
of witnesses I mean this guy was raping
someone in a public park during a party
that's not funny that's just the movie
anyway death played by David Boreanaz
he's also an ex-con but he's evil he has
12 words of backstory but basically he
wants to start the apocalypse and I
guess spend eternity with Tara Reed I
don't care how good of an actor you are
you can't pull that [ __ ] off
Jimmy puts a scorpion in a ziplock bag
with other scorpions but he doesn't zip
it and he puts it in the fridge does he
eat those why does he eat those carry
their souls again then sometimes the
crow can bring that soul back to release
it of its burden we're told this just go
with it
so people are camping outside Eddie
furlongs trailer because he's a murderer
I guess and he and this girl they love
each other I guess
so he cleans up his trailer and he's got
a propose to this girl his car doesn't
work and so he pedals his bike over to
propose so this cop is his girlfriend's
brother he threatens him and he's all
cool about it despite the fact that he's
about 5 2 and Edward Furlong isn't much
people on either side of the road to
agree on it then nobody likes you Jimmy
Kuenn
goddamn I guess the farmer publicist
also your agent fire your agent he
didn't even like that he wasted a
perfectly good cigarette I would kill
for a cigarette I have killed four
cigarettes every second Tara Reid is in
this movie I wish I was watching wait a
minute what why do these two love each
other why do these two love each other
I feel like I missed something so they
were friends on the chain gang and now
he's hanging them both I always liked GK
she stayed on her side some information
to your chick in school I thought your
eyes are so pretty
an Edward furlongs girlfriend has some
kind of psychic powers which would have
been helpful before they were murdered
by Satanists from what I could gather
they need this girl's eyes because
they're rare and blue
I don't know if that's medically
possible but I guess you could do with
magic we'll go with magic
sure magic magic explains everything
[Music]
my heart what swimming did George Lucas
write this pestilence famine take these
rags to the dump and so this guy clearly
has cancer but I guess he has doctor's
note that allows him to continue to do
violent crime
he's got the killer coughs oh you know
it's lung cancer tuberculosis eat up are
taking the double Pam you know with
deviled eggs and for dessert be stuck
devil's food cake ha ha ha I get it
sharp stuff Devil's devil's food it's
good yeah that's really [ __ ] clever
who's been holding you down
who's gonna shut down the mines putting
your families out of work just so they
can open up so these guys want to stop
the Indian casino from opening and
protect their mining jobs but also ray
Satan and cause the apocalypse which I
think might hurt the mining industry
more night
things going to walk in license
no anyway we got a ticking clock people
if Tara Reid and gave Boreanaz don't get
married and [ __ ] by sunrise they can't
make the Antichrist and cause the
apocalypse but what if David Boreanaz
swimmers are too slow what if she
doesn't get pregnant the first time they
bang okay so any furlong looks like a
kid who's going to a funeral and a
hand-me-down suit from his taller older
brother but now he's got avenging to do
oh no wait he has to try and kill
himself first because God help us if
this movie gets anywhere god I cannot
self-terminate reference processors have
reached critical mass core temperature
is 2,000 degrees for self down Internet
okay okay hold on let me just come up
with some jokes mr. Scott we can't do it
if we keep this speed we'll blow up any
minute now core temperature is 2100
degrees mr. Frank that's not helpful
core temperature is 2,250 degrees so
we're going to die if I can't come up
with something original
[Music]
Ravin fest Oh No Oh No we've come
full-circle The Crow is one of those
movies that [ __ ] goth kids adopted
and now the movies have adopted an
[ __ ] goth kid look at him he is
moments away from having a poetry
journal and ruining Invaders him for
everyone he looks like he's about to go
on a rampage because his mom wouldn't
let him get a Marilyn Manson CD that
[ __ ] bird is half as tall as he is
except that guy he apparently killed
before and the people he will no doubt
soon start killing so this guy
pestilence dies first
Eddie does the thing with the needle and
what was [ __ ] like what would what
even was that what was the purpose of
that look we misjudged you for an engine
loving heartless convict so heartless
convict who loves a girl which is [ __ ]
it can we just kill this guy
so anywhere along comes across dude
driving a hearse and smoking a joint
which is really not a good idea you want
to freak the [ __ ] out smoke a joint in a
hearse oh [ __ ] the hot topic killer is
going to get him
of course he takes the hearse and drives
and of course he does because he's dark
and has problems now let's show the Dark
Prince I was heard these lands so famine
puts all this gear on in the middle of
the room with all these people type of
Motta's revenge you know what you asked
for it and now suddenly Eddie furlong is
there and he's got a bat and the guy
with the gun doesn't shoot him I don't
believe it
she's across looking ahead okay Tara
Reid sure you know all about it
why isn't he turning this place into a
[ __ ] bloodbath his opening move seems
to be to walk in and sit down and have a
nice conversation with the people who
killed them war fighters start shooting
him and the bad guys immediately killed
the crow because this is the worst crowd
just the worst holy [ __ ] that bird is
half as tall as he is Tara Reid has a
face that says you know I know I'm
trying to summon the devil and start the
apocalypse but I didn't know we were
going to kill kids I hope this doesn't
also affect anybody's mining jobs
Jimmy's girlfriend's brother finds him
and mine melts a little to get the guy
caught up on the plot
whoa whoa whoa whoa Dennis Hopper is in
this movie you need not reapply shorty I
got standards good to see you Danielle
it's L mean yo get a rat crackerjack
I was hoping Danny Trejo would save this
movie but he's been m.i.a for most of it
he said two scenes and zero kills but
now we have El Nino and my faith in
direct-to-dvd crash may be restored do
you believe in miracles kids
[Music]
we're kicking out homie down our
hardcore painter look G here enough the
heaven to hope your mortal bad attitude
kiss [ __ ] I now pronounce you devil and
exhorting in a rat crackerjack devil and
his sorting just a bribe [ __ ]
devil and sorting don't undercut me
sorting you stole the keys the daddies
called
but you can't handle the horsepower
[Music]
hurry up make me the [ __ ] I am i dead
is this happening I forgot to mention
the Jimmy and war we're fighting outside
while dennis hopper's inside steel in
this movie is it really Hugh Original
Gangster well wicked ass props to you
mr. G and thanks for representing all
the homeboys and the Tribal Council is
just kind of watching come on right
after the ceremony Tara Reid stabs the
devil or the Antichrist I'm not sure
which one is supposed to be they say
both say he's gonna walk unless you
hurry up make me the [ __ ] Mike haha
but it doesn't matter because he's fine
nothing really matters anymore I was me
two lifetimes so perfectly lies okay
final showdown let's do it let's get
this party started shall we
so Jimmy just gets his ass kicked
because he's the worst and I think they
would have had a better chance of
winning if they'd sent literally any of
the other people who died back instead
of him like this priest guy or the
hearse driver or the rapist after my
16th viewing of this movie I realized
something in this green haze of bad
editing I noticed that this girl here
this is Lily so her father was really
pissed off at Jimmy thinking he's an
irredeemable bastard because he killed
the guy who was sexually assaulting his
daughter uh how many jokes for this I
just I don't understand please help me
understand jesus [ __ ] christ this
movie's never going to add he's
invincible and he's just going to keep
getting his ass kicked for eternity god
damn that's cold Danny Trejo was gonna
kill the [ __ ] out of you
oh wait you know he doesn't do that in
this movie I got to get to the perio
crest
that's it for a climax I keep thinking
this must be a comedy because
occasionally it's funny but not enough
for it to be a comedy it's funnier than
disaster movie but only a little bit and
David Boreanaz goddamn it he's not
terrible especially after he becomes the
devil he has some charisma he has some
energy don't fret
Arline me apocalypse is going to be one
hell of a hog food the problem is that
this [ __ ] is the one who's
supposed to be like this how could God
pick such a man I'm just saying if your
movie is going to be a comedy
you should probably decide that from the
beginning otherwise you're going to have
a scene in your movie where Dennis
Hopper uses Tara Reed as a sex slave for
most of her young adult life you're
going to really enjoy it soon and learn
how to bake this movie is just generally
too rapey to be a comedy take down the
troll she believed in fairy tales oh you
tell me what she believed in
I'm the fairy [ __ ] godmother that's
going to save your fairy [ __ ] tears
that was awesome
[Music]
we believed in the old stories - oh god
no movie come on you're gonna do this to
Danny Trejo Danny Trejo did his time he
paid his debt to society [ __ ] you ah so
cool do you think your [ __ ] is mojo and
save you wait doesn't your entire plan
rest on his [ __ ] mojo and your
bitch's uterus and nighttime cemetery
[ __ ] and so Danny Trejo dances in the
crow comes back to life and flies away
[Music]
put the raven nevermore [ __ ]
the crow finally kills the devil because
I guess that's what this series was all
about or some [ __ ] I don't know I don't
care
kid you don't know in angel without
mercy so he drives away in a hearse
broods and dies I assume Tara Reid gets
arrested and then Jimmy gets reunited
with this chick in the spirit world so
what did we learn kids that casting
Edward Furlong as a badass is like
trying to cast Tara Reid as a badass
that direct-to-dvd sequels are easy
money I'll tell you what I took away
from this nothing I'm just numb this
movie is an empty hollow cynical cash
grab that is laughing at me for watching
it I feel trolled little butthurt a
little bit like the warmth and love of
God has been taken from me and then I'm
destined to an eternity of torture and
madness forsaken by my Creator a being
of infinite compassion that has lost
hope and not only me but the entire
human race but I don't think they're
ready more crow movies after this so
that's good
== Trivia ==
== Behind the Scenes ==
Category:Episodes
Category:Movie Reviews
Category:Season 0