The Canned Bum Man

The Canned Bum Man sells canned bums. He calls himself ‘Colin’ despite claiming not to have an official name (on account of not knowing where he is from).  He sells cans of bums, and occasionally fresh bums, for $5 (or three cans for $40). 
We first meet Colin in Episode 3 living in a room that strongly smells of musk lollies with The Red Man (also known as Gavin) who is a very fat, very red man that is barely human and screams all night.
The canned bums that Colin sells are in brine and unsealed. When asked their source he said that many were ‘already there’.  Colin said that he like to drink the ‘bum brine’ despite the bums being extremely foul smelling (based on Eddo and Ben’s reactions when they interviewed him in Episode 3).
Curiously, an advert for Colin's canned bum business airs in Episode 26 which features Colin's mum who Colin says he has 'found' after she also woke up in the room. Also revealed in that apparently Gavin, the Red Man has been kissing Colin's mum and that she in fact wants the Red Man to be Colin's 'new daddy'. The mother and son finish the advertisement by telling customers to find them by 'listening to the screams'. 
In Bonus Episode 99.91 it is revealed that Colin has killed his mum but this is not discussed on the main episodes because the subject matter is too dark.
The Grub caught up with Canned Bum Man during Melbourne’s 2020 lockdown (see Episode 88) where he said that he was on ‘cloud ten’, rather than 'cloud nine' (late upgrading once more to 'cloud eleven').  Colin reported that the Red Man had grown larger and larger until he popped, leaving a large amount of pus.  Colin decided to use the pus in his canned bum business, and sold a huge number of his ‘bums in pus’ flavour on his online store making him fabulously wealthy.
Colin claimed he was apparently able to exit the room after the Red Man popped and to his surprise found himself in New York City. Colin told the Grub he had since moved to Adelaide and was running a distribution centre there for his bums in pus.  He took it as a sign of his wealth that his girlfriend was Gina Rinehart, and that he owned many magnets, exotic dogs and 350 titanium cubes. Colin claimed he liked to rub noses with Gina every morning before his first coffee. 
In Bonus Episode 91 Colin claims to have invented 'movie night'. 
In Bonus Episode 99 it was revealed that Colin's escape from the room was nothing but a dream. Gavin, the Red Man, had not popped and in fact was screaming more frequently than ever. He was also forcing Colin to lance his boils twice a day. Colin had also apparently poisoned three hundred million people with his canned bums which had put a dampener on Christmas. 
Colin can also scat sing.
Category:Characters
Category:Regular Characters