The Hot Girl

The Hot Girl is the twenty-third episode of Cult of Squid. It aired as a Valentine’s Day 2020 special and was written by Purple133.
== Plot ==
When a very attractive girl joins the cult, Squidward and Buff Jim enter into a battle for her affection.
== Transcript ==
(Episode opens with last episode’s aforementioned initiation of a new cult member who is currently hooded)
The Initiator: Oh yeah I have a job. Welcome to the cult! You’ve been initiated!
New Cult Member: Yeah still not entirely sure how that worked but okay. 
Squidward: You may remove your hood and receive your hat.
(The person removes their hood to reveal a very attractive female fish)
Squidward: DAM-
The Initiator: Let’s wrap this up I have to vanish again. 
Yvonne: Hi, I’m Yvonne. 
The Initiator: Welcome to the cult SISTER Yvonne. 
Squidward: Yes, welcome. 
(Cut to Security giving Yvonne the tour)
Security: So what made you want to join the cult?
Yvonne: Fear. 100% fear.
Security: Oh cool. I joined because it was a cool thing to do after work.
Yvonne: Yeah, but didn’t the atrocities make you want to leave?
Security: Yes and no. I love a good old fashioned arson!
Yvonne: Hey me too!
(As the two are walking, Buff Jim notices Yvonne)
Buff Jim: Brother Abortion, who is this new cult sister among us?
Brother Brother: Oh yeah uh Brother Abortion died of a sudden heart attack.
Buff Jim: Oh, okay. 
Brother Abortion: No I didn’t!
Brother Brother: Goddammit!
Buff Jim: Hey Brother Brother, what is the name of the fair cult mistress that has come across our land?
Brother Brother: Uh Yvonne I think. 
Buff Jim: I must make her mine.
Brother Brother: I believe that Leader Squidward also wants her.
Buff Jim: Then I challenge him to a duel! 
(Buff Jim walks up to Squidward in his office while he’s talking to Yvonne)
Buff Jim: BROTHER SQUIDWARD!
Squidward: Huh? What’s this about? Please tell me those pesky feathered idiots didn’t break out of jail.
Buff Jim: No sir.
Squidward; Oh thank god. Now where were we Sister Yvonne?
(Squidward motions for Buff Jim to leave but he 
doesn’t)
Buff Jim: I came here to challenge you to a duel!
Yvonne: A duel?
Squidward: For what purpose? Do you dare try to dethrone me?
Buff Jim: No, but I wouldn’t have too much trouble if I wanted to.
(Squidward gulps and notices Buff Jim flex his massive arms)
Squidward: What is the duel for?
Buff Jim: Yvonne’s affection!
Yvonne: A duel over little ‘ol me? 
Buff Jim: Precisely. 
Yvonne: What is this, 1970? Hell no, I’m an independent woman.
Buff Jim: [dolphin noises]
Yvonne: But maybe I’ll allow one of you two to seduce me.
Squidward: I’m game. What do you say Buff Jim?
Buff Jim: Yes. 
Yvonne: Well who can take me on a better date? That’s how I’ll settle this for you two.
Buff Jim: Get ready. 
(BUFF JIM’S DATE)
Yvonne: So for your chance to win me over you brought me to the cult food court?
Buff Jim: Brother Squidward banned going to any outside locations a few hours ago.
Yvonne: Oh hey I got initiated a few hours ago, what a strange coincidence.
Buff Jim: That is quite the coincidence HEY WAIT A MINUTE!
Yvonne: Whatever. What are you buying me to eat?
Buff Jim: Well actually I’m fresh out of credits and I won’t get any for a week. Can you pay?
Yvonne: (groan) fine.
(Yvonne pulls out her wallet but realizes she’s fresh out of credits too)
Buff Jim: Well [dolphin noises]
Yvonne: Well uh want to talk about anything?
Buff Jim: Sure. So this one time I found this really weird looking old dude right? And-
Yvonne: You know what never mind.
Buff Jim: Can I give you something?
Yvonne: Sure I guess.
(Jim pulls a box of melted chocolates out of his pants)
Yvonne: Ew!
Buff Jim: What? I don’t see the issue here.
[BUZZER NOISE; SQUIDWARD’S DATE]
Yvonne: Why am I blindfolded?
Squidward: I brought you to the most romantic restaurant around Yvonne… Fancy!
Yvonne: Didn’t this place break down after the cult took over? 
Squidward: Uh yeah and?
Yvonne: It’s infested with rats!
Squidward: What?
(A bunch of rats wearing helmets emerge from Fancy)
Squidward: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
(Squidward ditches Yvonne and she gets trampled)
[BUZZER SOUND; THE RESULTS]
Yvonne: You guys both suck. I’m out.
Squidward: Crap!
Buff Jim: Creeper-
Security: Shut up you two, you caused a new cult sister to leave. I was really starting to enjoy her company too.
(As she’s leaving, Yvonne hears this and turns around)
Yvonne: I choose Security!
Security: Oh well uh-
(Yvonne dive tackles Security and he goes with it)
Squidward: Absolutely disgusting.
Buff Jim: Welp, back to flogging prisoners. 
(Episode ends)
Category:Cult of Squid
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:2020s