Monster Massachusetts/Transcript

(The episode begins outside the Cagliostro Laboratories, Inc. building, in a swamp. A two-headed vulture perches on a sign for the lab. Inside, pan through the lab to show the Metamorphitron, a machine with a door and some light bulbs, and a brain-powered computer to run it, along with other mechanisms as Dr. Cagliostro's maniacal laughter and chuckling is heard.)
Dr. Cagliostro: (o.s.)	After years of preparation, I'm finally ready to begin my... (He chuckles again.) ...experiment.
 	(The Doc walks into view. He is shown as a hunchbacked scientist wearing a lab coat and sporting a mustache. He addresses himself off-scene.)
Dr. Cagliostro: 	Torgo, bring the victims. (He chuckles again.) I mean, subjects.
 	(Torgo, the Doc's Frankenstein monster of an assistant, breaks through a brick wall, carrying Timon Berkowitz and Pumbaa Smith in his hands.)
Torgo: 	Torgo obey.
 	(Torgo brings Timon up close to the Doc.)
Dr. Cagliostro: 	You are very lucky. I am Dr. Cagliostro, and tonight, I am going to turn you into... the world's most beautiful creature! (He gives another chuckle.)
 	(The Doc is about to take Timon from Torgo's hand, but Timon stops him as he chuckles.)
Timon: 	In case you haven't noticed, Sherlock, I am already beautiful. (pointing to Pumbaa) However, he could use some improvement, heh.
 	(The Doc grabs Timon and throws him to a table. A cage lowers over him.)
Pumbaa: 	You're such a good friend, Timon, always looking out for my best interests. Yay! I'm gonna be beautiful! (He hops off Torgo and walks to the Metamorphitron, anxiously.) Come on. Open up the machine. Open, open, open, open, quick, quick, quick, come on, come on, come on.
Dr. Cagliostro: 	Eh, Torgo, don't keep our friend waiting. (He chuckles again.) Deposit him in the Metamorphitron.
 	(Pumbaa runs around excitedly next to the machine as Torgo walks to both him and it.)
Pumbaa: 	Yay! Metamorphitron!
 	(Torgo picks it up and places it over Pumbaa, who hops to the window of the hatch. The Doc chuckles.)
Dr. Cagliostro: 	Torgo, activate the machine.
 	(He chuckles again. Now Torgo is next to the computer.)
Torgo: 	Torgo activate machine.
 	(He presses a button on the keyboard. The Doc watches as Torgo then pulls the lever. Gears start grinding. Fluids start filling flasks. The Doc’s mouth waters as the stoplight attached to the computer flashes its lights, finishing on green. The bulb on the Metamorphitron flashes. Volts flash over Torgo. Now the Doc crouches down as the Metamorphitron progresses, lights flashing from inside. The Doc then clutches Torgo as Timon watches in fear from inside the cage. The Metamorphitron finishes its job, and the hatch opens, smoke coming from inside the machine. The Doc starts laughing. Torgo blinks. The silhouette of a creature lankily hops. Timon clutches the cage bars. An ugly, goofy-looking creature with a pig snout, bulgy eyes, crooked buck teeth, front feet looking like duck feet, a rat tail, human legs, a head knob and the stance of a frog hops out of the machine. It is Pumbaa in his monster form. The Doc gapes in shock at what has happened, and he backs away, sobbing and flipping the table.)
Dr. Cagliostro: 	I've failed. He looks ridiculous. (He shoves Torgo and looks away.) Take him away, Torgo. Away! I cannot look at him.
 	(The cage raises, and Timon is about to escape when Torgo drops Pumbaa on him. A bigger cage lowers over the two.)
Pumbaa: 	Hey!
 	(The Doc continues sobbing, a pool forming from his tears under him.)
Dr. Cagliostro: 	Science has betrayed me. (He punches the puddle.) Bad science. Bad, bad, bad! (He pulls out a signed photo of Albert Einstein.) Al. Oh, Al. Where did I go wrong? What could I have possibly overlooked? (He sobs a bit more, but stops as he pulls the photo to his ear.) What's that? Check the math? Of course! (He chuckles.) It's so obvious! (He kisses the photo and walks to his assistant.) Come, Torgo. We've got work to do.
 	(The Doc hops into Torgo’s arms as the assistant carries him upstairs. The Doc laughs as Torgo carries him. The upstairs door closes. Timon has been watching.)
Timon: 	What a delightful man. (Pumbaa moans; Timon walks to him.) Problem?
Pumbaa: 	(starting to cry) I'm ugly.
Timon: 	Pumbaa, Pumbaa, Pumbaa, beauty is only fur deep, and that ugliness you have now is only fur deep, too. (chuckling) No, it's what's inside that counts. No matter how you look, I will always be your bestest best friend.
 	(Pumbaa cheers up.)
Pumbaa: 	You’re right, Timon. (Cut to his meerkat friend—he continues off scene.) And when they put you in that machine, (Timon gulps and looks at the Metamorphitron in uneasy realization.) I'd still be your bestest best friend no matter how absurd you look.
 	(Timon runs to the cage bars, clutching them in horror.)
Timon: 	We gotta get out of this cage!
Pumbaa: 	How we gonna do that?
 	(Timon walks away from the bars and wonders, finally pointing to an off-scene object.)
Timon: 	We hit that button.
 	(It is a sign that reads “Cage Button”, with a red button on the middle. Timon grabs his suitcase and pulls out a saw, a blowtorch, which he turns off, and a lit stick of dynamite. He grunts while pulling this last out.)
Timon: 	There's gotta be a button pusher in here somewhere. (He throws the dynamite out of view—it blows up off scene. He pulls out a boomerang from the suitcase.) Aha!
 	(He prepares to throw it.)
Pumbaa:
(o.s.) 	I wouldn't do that! (Timon stops.)
Timon: 	And why not?
Pumbaa: 	That's a boomerang. It'll just come back and hit you right in the head.
Timon: 	That's ridiculous. (He throws the boomerang anyway, but as Pumbaa said, it comes back from behind and hits him in the read, knocking him onto the floor. He gets up, rubbing his head.)
Pumbaa: 
(o.s.) 	See?
Timon: 	Ah, I just didn't throw it hard enough.
 	(Pumbaa takes this poorly. Timon throws the boomerang again, harder. As soon as it's about to reach the button, it comes back towards the two. They duck their heads as it’s about to hit them. It does, however, hit a laser, which then points at them and fires, barbecuing them. They cough, smoke coming from their mouths. The boomerang comes back, hitting Timon in the head again. Again, he falls to the floor.)
 	(Wipe fade. Now suction-cup darts surround the button. Another lands on the wall and misses its target. A disgruntled Timon walks back and reaches into his suitcase with a dart gun in his hand.)
Pumbaa: 	I don't want to pressure you, Timon, but that dart is our last dart, and there's no more darts after that dart.
Timon: 	(pulling said dart out) Shut up. I know what I'm doing.
 	(He loads the dart into the barrel of the gun and fires it. This time, the dart hits its target. Timon and Pumbaa are glad about this. The alarm blares, and an even bigger cage covers the cage they're in. Timon begins to sob.)
Timon: 	I am a puny degenerate failure.
Pumbaa: 	Don't give up, Timon. You don't truly fail until you stop trying. (brightening) I've got an idea.
 	(A spotlight shines over the cage, and a big red sheet covers it.)
Pumbaa: 	(under the sheet) Abracadabra!
 	(The sheet uncovers, and both the table and the cages are gone. Timon and Pumbaa are now on the floor.)
Timon: 	(amazed) You never told me you knew magic.
Pumbaa: 	There's a lot I haven't told you.
 	(The Doc opens a door from inside another room with work papers in his hand and an irritated look on his face.)
Dr. Cagliostro: 	What is all that NOISE?! (He tosses his work papers up in the air.) I can't work with all this ruckus going on! (He closes the door and goes back inside the room.)
 	(Cut back to our duo.)
Timon: 	What ruckus?
Pumbaa: 	(quietly) Shhh! No more ruckus, Timon. Let's get me changed back to normal and hightail it out of here.
 	(The duo tiptoe to the Metamorphitron. Pumbaa enters it while Timon closes it as soon as the former enters. Timon pulls the lever. Gears start grinding. Fluids start filling flasks. Timon plugs the Metamorphitron back in. The machine’s light bulb starts flashing. Timon then presses a few keys on the computer’s keyboard, only to be caught in the act by an approaching Torgo. Timon takes notice.)
Timon: 	Yipes.
 	(The meerkat jumps up and screams. Torgo cups him up with his hands—Timon's scream muffled. Torgo then opens his hands, only to get splat in the face by a cherry pie thrown by Timon, who then hops off. Torgo wipes the residue away. Timon opens a trap door on the floor, only to find it with hungry alligators. Timon finds a plank and whacks the gators on the head with it before closing the trap door. He then finds another door and opens it. He hides behind it. The gators from before look for him. Timon whacks them again before closing the door. He then heads for another door and opens it. It leads to a bathroom where Dr. Cagliostro, with a towel wrapped around him, is shaving. The Doc looks behind himself, but Timon closes the door. Cut to Pumbaa in the open Metamorphitron.)
Pumbaa: 	Quick, Timon, in here!
 	(The meerkat runs to the machine with the plank still in his hand and enters it. The stoplight flashes its lights. The Metamorphitron flashes. As soon as it finishes its job, the hatch opens. Pumbaa hops out, back to his normal form. He walks on all fours, admiring his regained normal form.)
Pumbaa: 	What do you know, Timon? I'm okay again. It feels great to be back to normal.
 	(His eyes pop open in utter shock. Pan to a small pink creature with a pipevine swallowtail caterpillar back, a green rooster tail, green hair that goes up, a red cat nose with whiskers, chicken legs, and red eye shade and hand features that resemble those of a meerkat, with yellow eyes and eyebrows, gaping at what it looks like. It is Timon in his monster form. His ears aren't visible. He then points at himself with a sad look on his face.)
Timon: 	I'm ugly and I know it. (He then facepalms. Pumbaa walks to him.)
Pumbaa: 	Remember what you said, Timon? Beauty is only fur deep. (Timon lowers his palm.) It's not how you look on the outside that counts—it's what's on the inside. Remember?
Timon: 	I only said that to make you feel better. It's what's on the outside that counts, and my outside is ugly.
 	(Torgo grabs the duo.)
Torgo: 	Subjects escape. Make Torgo look bad. (He starts walking.) Subjects not escape again.
Timon: 	If we're gonna get me back to normal, we gotta get this hulking brute on our side.
Pumbaa: 	How we gonna to that? (Timon thinks a bit.)
Timon: 	We pull a number on him.
Pumbaa: 	Which number do you wanna pull?
Timon: 	A number three.
Pumbaa: 	Ooh, number three.
 	(They hop off Torgo. Timon has a monster-to-monster chat with the latter.)
Timon: 	Torgo, you can't do this. Look, I'm a mutant. You're a mutant. We should band together in mutant brotherhood and defeat the evil Doctor man.
Torgo: 	Torgo loyal to Doctor. Doctor create Torgo. Doctor Torgo's friend.
Timon: 	Heh. Did you hear that Pumbaa? Torgo's loyal to old Doc Giggles.
Pumbaa: 	Tsk, tsk, tsk. That’s too bad. (He chuckles sarcastically.)
Torgo: 	Bad? (Timon crosses his arms.) Why bad? (The meerkat then uncrosses his arms and gasps.)
Timon: 	You mean you haven't heard? (to Pumbaa) He hasn't heard, Pumbaa.
Pumbaa: 	Well, I'm not gonna tell him.
Torgo: 	Tell Torgo what?
Timon: 	There are changes on the horizon, Torgo my boy, and as we know, all change is bad. There's a new monster in town, kid, and by that, I mean, you're being replaced.
Torgo: 	Torgo replaced? Impossible. Torgo essential for day-to-day running of lab.
Timon: 	Your future's looking pretty bleak, i.e., not good.
 	(Wipe fade to a fantasy with Timon coming out of the swamp.)
Timon: (cont.) 	No more hunting down helpless swamp rats. (He pulls out an unconscious swamp rat with a lump on its head and puts it back in the bog.) That'll be somebody else's job from now on. (Back to the lab. Torgo’s beginning to feel sad.)
Torgo: 	B-b-but Torgo like hunting helpless swamp rats. (Timon then points to a pile of straw, Dr. Cagliostro’s photo hanging above it.)
Timon: 	And you might as well kiss that cruddy little pile of straw in the dungeon bye-bye. (Now Torgo feels even sadder.)
Torgo: 	No. That Torgo's secret wishing place!
Timon: 	You're in denial and I don’t blame you. (Torgo now holds a tissue to dry his eyes.)
Torgo: 	(starting to cry) Torgo sad. Torgo feel useless and cast aside like old shoe. (He rings out the tissue. Cut back to Timon.)
Timon: 	Don't we all? But don't sweat it, kid. With a little training, you'll find a position in the lucrative field of telephone sales. (He gives Torgo an assuring look on this.)
 	(Torgo shouts in anguish so much, the roof of the lab building pops off. Now Torgo looks angry.)
Torgo: 	Torgo hate Doctor. (Timon walks to him.)
Timon: 	Yeah, hate the Doctor.
Torgo: 	Torgo destroy everything!
Timon: 	(agreeing) Yeah, yeah, destroy everything!
Torgo: 	Starting with evil Metamorphitron! (He points menacingly at the machine. Timon is in hysterical agreement.)
Timon: 	Yeah, yeah! Starting with… (He realizes too late as Torgo marches to the Metamorphitron.) NOOOOO! NOT THE METAMORPHITRON!
 	(Torgo unscrews the light bulb and crushes the Metamorphitron to a pulp, grunting, pieces flying everywhere, even at Timon & Pumbaa. Timon tries to stop Torgo.)
Timon: 	It's the only thing that can change me back!
Pumbaa: 	Looks like number three worked a little too well, eh, Timon? (The monster meerkat places his hands over his head, mainly his invisible ears.)
Timon: 	Oh, shut up!
 	(From inside the bathroom, Dr. Cagliostro, dressed in lab coat again, gasps in shock, dropping more work papers. He sees Torgo destroying the Metamorphitron.)
Dr. Cagliostro: 	Torgo! What are you doing?! STOP! STOP IT! (He walks to his assistant as the latter smashes the remains of the Metamorphitron with his foot.) Have you lost your mind?! Torgo, obey me!
 	(The disagreeable monster holds the light bulb above his head and smashes it against a wall. Outside the lab building, a rumbling. The building explodes from inside. From the remains, a beautiful woman in a red dress stands, gasping in Torgo’s voice.)
Beautiful woman/Torgo:	Torgo… (His voice changes to that of a beautiful woman.) …beautiful. (Cut to Timon & Pumbaa, the former appears to be back in his normal form.)
Timon: 	Gee, ain't that nice.
Dr. Cagliostro: 	(unscathed from the explosion, rushes to the now-womanized Torgo with a romantic expression.) Jumping Jupiter! I'm in love. Marry me, my darling, and make me the happiest man on Earth.
Torgo: 	Torgo accept.
 	(Torgo picks the Doc up and carries him upstairs. The Doc waves back. Cut to Timon & Pumbaa.)
Pumbaa: 	Yay, I love happy endings. (Timon gasps in shock, his hair raising and his hands turning to hooves. Pull back to show the two have fused together, with Timon as Pumbaa’s tail and Pumbaa’s body and hooves now having Timon’s body features.) Boo.
Timon: 	Crud.
 	(Iris out as they walk off from the wreckage of the lab building.)
Category:Transcripts
Category:The Lion King's Timon & Pumbaa: Season 2