Over the Hedge/Transcript

Verne: Wow. Spring. That means there's only 274 days left till winter. Everybody, wake up! Hibernation's over.
Hammy: Oh, morning!
Verne: Morning, Hammy.
Hammy: I gotta go wee-wee!
Verne: Not in the lake we drink from! Let's go, all right, the rest of you. It's spring! That means we gotta get to work.
Hammy: Finished. [winces] No, wait!
Verne: Come on, everybody. Wake up. Don't make me come in there.
Stella: Ya'll better listen. I've been holding something in all winter, and I'm about to let it out.
[All the animals scurry out of the pile]
Verne: Thank you, Stella.
Stella: Oh, I can clear a room, Verne. Come on, that much I can do.
Good morning.
Good morning, everyone!
How'd you guys sleep?
Lou: Just a super-duper morning.
Penny: Oh, jeepers.
Lou: Whoa, not lookin' so good around the eyes there, hon.
Penny: Bucky and Quillo were up every three or four weeks. And Spike kept poking me.
Lou: Yeah. Well, he's kinda pokey.
Penny: Yup, he's the sharpest of the bunch there.
Lou: You know what? How 'bout I take the day shift?
Penny: Oh, Lou, that'd be just super.
Lou:All right, kids, you heard your mother, and now you listen to me. Shape up there.
(The kids tackle him)
Verne: Oh, boy. This is what I was afraid of.
Hammy: Where's the food? Is there any left? I'm hungry, so is there any left?
Heather: We ate all the food, Hammy. During the winter? So we gotta go get some more now.
Hammy: Oh, right! I buried some nuts in the woods. I know where they are. I'll be right back. Bye!
Heather: (weak laughs) Dad, it was just snow.
Ozzie: But it could have been a predator.
Heather: Isn't playing dead a little... weak?
Ozzie: Heather, how many times must I say it? Playing possum is what we do. We die so that we live!
louL Kids, I'm the boss of you, OK? So just calm down.
Penny: That's what we need to find you this year, don't you know? A good fella.
Stella: A good fella? A good fella?
Penny: Oh, Jeepers, here we go.
Stella: Why does everyone think I need a man? I look like a nest and smell like a swamp. So when you find a fella who's decent, good with kids, and has no sense of smell, call me.
Verne: Hello?
I don't care who started it.
Oh, look, food.
Verne: Well, I think you know what this means.
Hammy: Verne.
Verne: Just a minute, Hammy. This means we were nine berries away from starvation. Sorry. That was a little intense. I meant really serious hunger pains.
Hammy: Verne!
Verne: Not finished, Hammy. Morning, Lou, Penny.
Thanks.
Verne: Hey, kids. So, what I want to tell you is...
Hammy: Verne!
Verne: I'm not done, Hammy. If you have to go again, just go. OK. So all I'm saying is we cut it a little close. So this year, we need to make sure that we fill the log...
Ozzie: All the way to the top.
Verne: Exactly. All the way to the top. Because what are we?
All: Foragers!
Verne: And what do we forage?
All: Food!
Verne: Right.
Lou: Super, Verne, really super.
Verne: OK, Hammy. What is it?
Hammy: What is what?
Verne: What is it you want to tell me?
Hammy: What was it, what was it, what was it, what was it? Wait. Right on the tip of my tongue. Oh, yeah! There's a weird thing I've never seen before. It's really scary. Follow me.
Verne: OK. Meeting called on account of weird scary thing. Let's go.
Verne: Hammy, what weird thing? Oh. That weird thing.
Hammy: It never ends!
Hammy: It never ends that way too.
Penny: Jeepers, Lou.
Lou: Whoa. Yeah, jeepers is the word there, hon.
Ozzie: I've never seen anything like this.
Stella: Man, that's big.
Heather: What is this thing?
Ozzie: Heather, no!
I'm scared.
Me too, Mama.
Penny: It's OK, it's just a... What is this thing, Lou?
Lou: I... Well, it's a... It's... Verne?
Verne: Well, it's... it's obviously... ...some kind of bush?
Penny: I'd be less afraid of it if I just knew what it was called.
Hammy: Let's call it Steve!
Verne: Steve?
Hammy: It's a pretty name.
Heather: Steve sounds nice.
Penny: I'm a lot less scared of Steve.
Ozzie: Oh, great and powerful Steve! What do you want?
Verne: I don't think it can speak.
Woman: I heard that, young man! You get over here right now!
Hammy: OK.
Verne: Hammy, get back here.
Hammy: But Steve is angry!
Verne: I think it came from the other side of Steve. I mean the bush. I mean... Jeez! Look, there's only one way we're gonna find out what this thing is, and what this is all about. I'm gonna go check it out.
Ozzie: Steve ate Verne!
Stella: All right, Steve, you brought this on yourself.
Verne: Stella, don't! I'm not eaten, I just tripped. I'm gonna go over there. Just don't anybody move.
Woman: Kids, come on, hurry up!
Woman 2: Gary, come on. Breakfast! You'll be late!
Verne: What is this place? Oh, hey there, little... ...fella. Hi. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Operator. Can I help you?
Gladys: No, I can talk. I'm just driving.
Verne's back.
Verne!
Jeepers!
You OK?
Help him up.
What was over there?
Verne: Freaky pink primates! They must have come while we were hibernating. It was awful. They had wheels on their feet and these sticks, and they were whacking me with these sticks like it was some sort of sick game.
Ozzie: You should have died! You should have laid down and died.
Heather: Dad.
Verne: That's not the worst part. Half the forest is gone. The oak trees and the berry bushes, they're just... they're just gone.
Penny: Jeepers.
Stella: What'll we do for food?
How are we gonna live?
Verne: I don't know. But here's what I do know. We will be fine as long as no one goes over Steve again.
RJ: It's called a hedge, and it is not to be feared, my amphibious friend. It is the gateway to the good life.
Verne: I'm a reptile, actually. But, you know, it's a common mistake. And you are?
RJ: Oh, where are my manners? I'm RJ. Don't think I'm prying, but I couldn't help overhearing, and I can shed a little light on what this whole hedge situation is about. You see, what was once mere wilderness is now 54 acres of man-made, manicured, air-conditioned paradise. Except for that little-bitty speck. You are here. No, no, that's a good thing. You're hibernators, right? You gather food, store it for the winter?
Hammy: We fill the log!
Verne: Hammy.
RJ: Really? This log? This cave-like log?
Ozzie: All the way to the top.
Verne: Ozzie.
RJ: Let me ask ya, how long's it take? You know, to fill the log?
Heather: Two hundred and seventy-four days.
RJ: Oooh! Ever done it in a week?
Verne: That's impossible.
RJ: Not if we work together. you see, you've got the food-gathering skills, I've got the know-how, and they have the food!
Heather: How much food?
RJ: Loads of food. Heaps of food. Food out the wazoo!
Verne: Well, whatever kind of food comes out of a wazoo, I don't think we're interested in eating it.
Lou: I don't know, the guy's making a lot of sense to me. I think we should listen.
Penny: Yeah, I'm OK with wazoo food here.
Verne: No, you're not. The tail is tingling.
RJ: Hold on, hold on. The what is what?
Verne: When something doesn't feel right, my tail tingles, and let me tell you something, everything you've said so far is driving my tail crazy.
RJ: Listen. Verne, right? This isn't something you need to be afraid of.
Verna: Well, I am. And for good reason. This is not a birthmark.
RJ: Aw, that's because you went over there without a guide, Verne.
Verne: Whatever. Thanks for stopping by. We're not interested.
RJ: Not interested in the most delicious food you've ever tasted?
Verne: No!
RJ: Come on.
Verne: Not! Interested!
RJ: OK. I get it. I understand. This is something that you're just not open to.
Penny: Jeepers.
Hammy: What is THAAAT!?
RJ: That, my friend, is a magical combination of corn flour, dehydrated cheese solids, BHA, BHT, and good old MSG, a.k.a., the chip. Nacho cheese flavor. -
Stella: Over here! Toss me one of those!
Hammy: More please! More.
Stella: Yeah, Verne, those were good!
RJ: It's all good! And we're going over there, tonight! Yeah!
RJ: Welcome to suburbia.
Wow!
Look at that!
Quillo: Hey, Mom, look at us! Look at us!
Lou: Oh, my! Hon, look at this.
Penny: Jeepers.
RJ: How's that tail, Verne?
Verne: Listen, if anybody in this family gets hurt, I'm holding you personally responsible.
RJ: They're having a good time. I'll take responsibility for that.
This is neat.
Look at that.
Hey, Spike, look at that.
Lou: Hey, Verno, I took a few clippings out of my quills to do a little comparison. Look at this, the grass seems to be greener over here.
Ozzie: Verne, are you certain you came to the same place?
Stella: Yeah, 'cause the raccoon says...
Verne: OK, enough about him. I get it. So he can do a couple of tricks. I mean, it's not like he can walk on water.
(RJ runs on pool floats)
RJ: Hey, everybody! This way to the food!
Spike: That thing's huge!
Hammy: What is that?
RJ: That is an SUV. Humans ride around in it because they are slowly losing their ability to walk.
Penny: Jeepers, it's so big!
Lou: How many humans fit in there?
RJ: Usually? One.
Gladys: Hi, this is Gladys Sharp. Your president? Of the homeowner's association? Right.
Penny: Jeepers.
Hammy: What is that?
RJ: Easy, easy, don't worry. That's just a human being. And they are just as scared of us as we are of them. Now, if a human does happen to see you, just lay down, roll over and give your privates a good licking. They love it.
Gladys: The homeowner's charter, which you signed, says the grass is supposed to be two inches, and according to my measuring stick, yours is 2.5.
Verne: Could we just get the food and go? Really, do they have it or not?
RJ: Didn't you see it? It was in the box. They've always got food with them. We eat to live, these guys live to eat! Let me show you what I'm talking about. The human mouth is called a "pie hole." The human being is called a "couch potato." That is a device to summon food. That is one of the many voices of food. That is the portal for the passing of the food. That is one of the many food transportation vehicles. Humans bring the food, take the food, ship the food, they drive the food, they wear the food! That gets the food hot. That keeps the food cold. That... I'm not sure what that is. What do you know? Food! That is the altar where they worship food. That's what they eat when they eat too much. That gets rid of guilt so they can eat more food. Food! Food! Food! Food! FOOOD!!! So you think they have enough? Well, they don't. For humans, enough is NEVER enough! And what do they do with the stuff they don't eat? They put it in gleaming, silver cans, just for us.
Penny: Sweet jeepers.
RJ: Dig in! Good, isn't it?
Heather: Wow.
Penny: Share there, everyone, share.
RJ: Uh, that's a diaper. And that does come out of a wazoo.
RJ: So, what do you think? Was I right or was I right? And these things are just the scraps! Wait'll you see what comes in the boxes, packages and cans! I'm telling you, stick with me, and in one week we will gather enough food to... To feed a bear.
RJ: Just a figure of speech.
Tiger: Halt! Intruders! Intruders! Get out, all of you.
Gladys: What is it, baby?
RJ: What are you doing?
Lou: You said to lick our...
RJ: No! Nix that! RUN!
Penny: Run!
Gladys: Get outta here! Shoo!
Verne: To the hedge!
Gladys: Get out of here! I just mopped this patio! Filthy vermin!
Penny: Verne's right, that was horrible.
Lou: You kids OK? Hon, you alright there?
Heather: We'll find other food, right?
Verne: See what I mean? That's what I was talking about! These humans don't want us around!
RJ: So we scared her, and she overreacted. No biggie.
Verne: No biggie? OH! That is what we call a biggie.
RJ: Come on, think about the food. It was worth it for that food, huh? That stuff is to die for! Let me rephrase that.
Verne: No, "to die for." You nailed that part. Look, maybe our little forest life looks primitive to a guy with a bag.
RJ: What?
Verne: But I think I speak for the whole family when I say we want NOTHING to do with ANYTHING THAT'S OVER THAT HEDGE!
RJ: Oh, come on!
Stella: I'm done.
RJ: You haven't even tried doughnuts yet! You wanna store fat? That is the way to store some fat. You'll be sweatin' through the winter!
Heather: We'll eat the bark, right?
RJ: OK, all right, you guys sleep on it! Good idea. I'm gonna check back with you. Shoot! Almost had 'em. -
Verne: Good night, Heather.
Heather: Good night.
Verne: Good night, Ozzie.
Ozzie: Good night.
Verne: Good night, Lou.
Lou: Good night there Verne.
Verne: Night, Penny.
Penny: Good night.
Verne: Good night, Hammy.
Hammy: Good night Verne.
Verne: Night, Bucky.
Bucky: Good night.
Verne: Good night, Spike.
Spike: Good night, Uncle Verne.
Verne: Good night, Quillo.
Quillo: Night, Uncle Verne.
Verne: When we wake up, only 273 days left till winter.
Stella: That's enough, Verne.
Verne: Good night, 273.
So, what are you saying? You want me to take 'em to his house?
No.
Then what are you saying?
Jimmy was pushing me on the bus.
He likes you.
No way, he's a creep. Next time he shoves you, beat him up.
RJ: Yes!
Lou: OK, kids, dive in. There it is. Bark for breakfast!
Spike: I want a doughnut!
Quillo: I want pizza.
Penny: No, you don't.
Verne: Okay. This is great. [eats bark] Granted, it takes some time to chew. But that... That was very satisfying. And, by the way, lots of fiber in there too. - Lots.
RJ: I gotta admit, that does look tasty.
Verne: What are you doing here?
RJ: I'm here to help you with your... foraging thing. Look, Verne, you said a word yesterday about your little gang here. It starts with an F, do you remember what it was?
Verne: Family?
RJ: Right, right, that. You know, that got me right here. You see, Verne, I used to have all of that. My own place, surrounded by loved ones, universal remote. But then all that went away with... ...the weed hacker incident. Oh, God.
Hammy: Oh, come here. Yeah, that feels good, doesn't it?
Verne: Oh, brother.
Penny: Jeepers, Verne.
Lou: We could always use the extra hand there, you know.
Hammy: The weed hacker, Verne. The weed hacker.
RJ: OK. Not your problem. I'll just go. This is me... ...going. - Been nice.
Penny: Don't hit.
RJ: Really nice getting to know you. Hey, I'm sure I'll see you around the forest. - Take care.
Verne: All right, all right. Hey, RJ? You can... you can stay.
RJ: Come here, ya big lug!
Verne: No.
RJ: I knew beneath this hard, crispy outside there was a soft, nougat-y center in there. Do you mind if I call you Uncle Verne?
Verne: With every bone in my body.
RJ: Great. Hey, can I work with Hammy?
Hammy: Wanna help me find my nuts?
RJ: Very tempting, Hammy, very tempting. But first, I want to show you this. You like this cookie? - Well, this cookie's junk!
Hammy: I like a cookie.
RJ: Easy, easy. Don't worry. I know where we can get some cookies so valuable that they are hand delivered by uniformed officers.
And the Doyles' is the yellow house. They only ordered one box.
RJ: And there they are. America's most coveted cookies. Love Handles, Skinny Mints, Neener Neeners and Smackeroons. And guess what? They're all yours! Whoa, Hamilton. Hold on there, fella. I love your energy, but you can't take 'em.
Hammy: But you said they're mine.
RJ: They will be, if we successfully marry your manic energy to my brilliant plan! -You with me, kid?
Hammy: l... I... I...
RJ: The l's have it! Let's ride.
I thought Mrs. Johansson was allergic to chocolate.
Really?
Yeah, if she eats it, her face explodes or something.
That is, like, so unfair.
Wait, wait. How many boxes of...?
Hammy: Hey! You stay away from those cookies. They're mine! Hey, this guy's not coming, is he? Cause I don't want him to.
RJ: Oh, we have so much work to do. Come on, step into my office. Now, listen up. What we're going for here is a vicious, man-eating, rabid squirrel. - Can you handle that?
Hammy: Excuse me?
RJ: Yes... Hammy.
Hammy: OK. Rabbits aren't vicious. They're all cute and cuddly, so...
RJ: Rabid, not rabbit.
Hammy: Oh... What?
RJ: OK. So first we're gonna muss the hair. That's looking good. All right, now we're gonna... We're gonna mat the fur a little bit. A little puff on the tail... Stop it! Puffier. Liking that a lot. Show me that wild look in your eye. Come on!
Hammy: I can burp my ABCs! A, B, C.
RJ: Hammy! I just really need you to focus right now, OK?
Hammy: OK.
RJ: Thank you. Let's see. There we... Hang on a minute. Not that, not that. No, no. Nice!
Verne: Hammy?
RJ: Done! Now, come on. I'll be right behind you. Go on, get out there. Shoo, shoo!
Hammy: I am a crazy rabid squirrel! I want my cookies! I[barking] 'm rabid! I'm foaming at the mouth. I'm foaming, very scary rabid squirrel.
Girls: RABIES!!
Hammy: Hey, it's working!
RJ: Behind you!
Hammy: I know. You're right behind me-
Girl: Got it! Stand back!
Hammy: No, no, no, no! Oh, no!
Girl: Take that!
Hammy: [screaming]
RJ: Walk it off! Walk that one off!
Verne: What's going on? Is that Hammy?
RJ: Everything's under control. Just go back to the hedge.
Verne: You call that under control? He's under attack!
RJ: He's working!
Verne: I'm coming, Hammy!
RJ: Verne! No! What are you doing!? Watch out!
[Caught in a streetsweeper’s brushes, Verne is shot out shell less onto one of the girls’ faces]
Hold still!
I got it! Stay still.
Help me! Get off of me!
Yuck!
Gross!
Nasty!
Oh, my God, this is so gross!
RJ: Verne! That was great! You, my friend, are a natural. Or, should I say, au naturel. Hammy, you were awesome, my man! You had me scared. I was about to come out and beat you with a book myself. You're all right, aren't ya? Of course you are. You are Hammy! Those bruises are gonna heal. You know what? Chicks dig scars.
Girl: There!
Girl: He was right over there!
Girl 1: That's where the squirrel attacked us! He has, like, rabies or something.
Girl 2: There was this gross, naked, amphibian thing.
Verne: Reptile.
Janis: It's OK, girls. Go inside, have a cookie, turn on the TV and calm down.
Thanks, Mom.
Gladys: I'm sorry, Janis, did l just hear them say "rabid squirrel"?
Janis: I think they might just be overreacting.
Gladys: But what if they're not? What if we have a potential pandemic on our hands? Vermin running loose, spreading disease and lowering our property values?
Janis: Yeah. I have a casserole in the oven. Gotta run.
Gladys: Fine. You worry about your casserole, and I'll worry about the end of suburban peace and tranquility!
RJ: That's right. Don't push. Plenty for everybody. Got a box right over here for ya, Penny.
Penny: Jeepers, that is good. Kids, eat up! Anything that tastes this good has to be good for you.
RJ: You feel that buzz in the back of your skull?
Penny: Yeah.
RJ: That's called a sugar rush. It's what keeps humans going,. It's why they don't hibernate. You top that off with a little of this, and what usually takes you all summer will take us a week.
RJ: Hold on, Hamsquad. The last thing you need is caffeine. That's right. Come on, dig in. Because this, my friends, is just the beginning.
Verne: What?
Up, down! Up, down!
He's getting away! Oh, yeah!
Hammy: Read it and weep.
Gladys: Hello? I need every business listing you have under "exterminator."
Verne: Ozzie!
Timmy: Whoa, Mom! You hit a possum.
Debbie: Oh, my goodness.
Do you think it's dead?
Verne: Oh, no.
Wow!
Touch it.
Can I poke him?
Debbie: No! These poor little creatures.
Girl 1: What's going on?
Come check it out. It's a dead possum
Gladys: Debbie? I don't remember seeing a permit app for a gathering. Groups of more than one who wish to get... AAAH!
Debbie: Timmy, get the shovel from the car.
Ozzie: Lights fading, limbs growing cold. I see a tunnel.
Verne: Oh, no.
Ozzie: Mother, is that you beckoning me into the light? Must move toward the light.
Timmy: What do you think he's doing?
Maybe we knocked his brains loose or something.
Verne: I'm telling you, you went too far this time. Let's get out of here and leave this... This...
RJ: Nice catch, Verne.
Ozzie: Yes! Yes!
Verne: You're dangerous. You're insane!
Ozzie: Sweet music, I'm going home! Goodbye, cruel world! Rosebud.
Now can I poke him?
Debbie: No!
Gladys: You see? This is exactly why I called the exterminator. To kill them before they get hurt like this.
Verne: Everybody, get out of here right now!
RJ: Right! Kids, grab those handles. Get the stuff.
Verne: What?
Hammy: Here we go. I threw out my back.
RJ: Let's go.
Stella: Get down.
Verne: Oh, no.
Dwayne: I believe someone phoned about an animal problem? The solution is standing before you. Dwayne LaFontant is here.
Gladys: Where have you been? I'm throwing a "Welcome to the Neighborhood" party, tomorrow and so far Debbie's car has killed more animals than you have.
Dwayne: Stand down, sister. I personally guarantee that there will not be a living thing at this party. The Verminator is on the job.
Verne: Leave it. Leave it!
Dwayne: What do we have here? Didelphis marsupialis virginianus. Approximately ten pounds. Male.
Debbie: I think he's dead.
Dwayne: Oh, really? Do you, in fact, have an associates degree from Vermtech? I think he wants you to think he's dead.
RJ: Go! Go! Move, move! That's it! Run! Go!
Dwayne: ..voluntary shock state. Look at him closely. You can see him breathing.
Gladys: I certainly hope he's not in any pain.
What the...?
Gladys: Kill it! Kill it!
Ozzie: Thank you all for coming! You were a great audience!
Oh, man!
Dwayne: All right, what am I up against here? Possum, porcupine, skunk, squirrel, raccoon, amphibian.
Verne: Reptile.
Dwayne: No. Reptile.
Lou: That's what I call a super-duper performance there.
I wanna do it again!
RJ: Beyond super. They were riveted, man. You were awesome!
All right!
Heather: Dad. I just gotta say, that was... that was pretty good.
Bucky: Props for the Ozman!
All: Ozman!
Ozzie: But let's not forget our brilliant leadership: RJ.
Animals: RJ!
Brilliant!
Heather: RJ, come this way. We wanna show you something.
RJ: Yeah, sure.
Quillo: Sweet.
RJ: What a team!
Stella: That raccoon knows what he's doing.
Lou: You're my hero there, fella.
Heather: Over here, this way.
Spike: RJ, come on!
Quillo: Yeah, we wanna show you something. Come on, hurry!
Stella: Check it out. Your new home!
Hammy: And look, we got a place for you right here!
RJ: That's for me?
Lou: Yeah, is this anything like what you had, RJ?
RJ: This isn't anything like what I had, Lou.
Hammy: Here, I'm not supposed to drink this.
RJ: Thanks. Is that my bag?
Heather: Yeah, we brought it in here so you wouldn't have to sleep in that tree.
RJ: Really? Wow.
Bucky: Hey, RJ, check this out! We totally hooked up the TV.
Spike: I hot-wired the HD converter.
Quillo: We get a thousand channels!
Heather: Can you take the remote before my dad does?
RJ: Wow. A universal remote? This is nice, guys. Really nice.
We now return to A Scoundrel Among Us.
You should be ashamed of yourself. We let you into our family, and you've deceived us.
I gave you my heart, and you ripped it into a million pieces.
Get real, Kevin. When you feel like a dirtbag, it's because you're a dirtbag. Right? So just own it, just say it out loud. "l am a dirtbag."
Lou: Dirtbag? I don't think that guy's a real doctor. What do you think there, RJ? RJ?
RJ: Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, RJ. What are you doing, man? You are getting in way too deep. Just get the food. Feed the bear. Get the food. Feed the bear. WHERE? Where's the food? Where's the food? Where's the food?!
RJ: Verne. What are you doing?
Verne: I'm getting things back to the way they were.
RJ: No, don't. How about I just leave?
Verne: Good. You leave, and I return this stuff to the rightful owners.
RJ: What?! Why?
Verne: Because we've angered the humans. And we don't wanna end up like that rabbit. Hence, I'm giving this back so they won't kill us.
RJ: Verne, you don't understand! We need this stuff!
Verne: No, we don't!
RJ: You can't take it!
Verne: Yes, I can!
RJ: Let go!
Verne: You let go!
RJ: I have to have it.
Verne: No!
RJ: Verne. Move slow, keep your voice low and follow me.
Verne: What?
RJ: Shhh!
Verne: No. No. I'm not falling for any more of your smooth talk! I don't know what you're up to, but my entire shell is tingling. And you know what? I'm listening to it this time, and I'm putting my foot down.
RJ: No, no.
Dog: Play?
Verne: Huh? Oh. Uh...
Dog: Play! Play! Play! Play! Play! Play! Play! Play! Play! Play!
Doll: Let's play!
Dog: Play!
Verne: Jeez...
Dog: Play! Play! Play! Play! Play! Play!
RJ: Down, boy. Sit. Roll over!
Dog: Play!
RJ: Play dead!
Dog: Play!
RJ: Attaboy, Verne. Save the food. I'll lose the dog.
Dog: Play. Play, play, play, play. Play, play, play, play.
Verne: Oh, no! No, no, no, no.
RJ: You're dropping all the food, man! Here, catch.
Dog: Play!
RJ: Are you hungry? Look, food.
Man: Oh, my back!
RJ: Look, people! Play with them!
Man: Look out!
Woman: Stop! What's he doing?
Dog: Play, play, play, play.
Verne: I'm all right, I'm fine. It's okay. It's...
RJ: Verne, unhook the chain!
Dog: Play!
RJ: No. [catches chips] Yes.
Verne: Oh, boy.
RJ: WHOA!
RJ: Verne, I told you to unhook the chain!
Gladys: Garbage cans are not to be on the curb before eight...
Verne: You're the devil.
RJ: No! No!
Lou: Verne, you all right there? Gimme a hand, Oz.
Ozzie: Sure, sure.
Penny: What the heck happened?
RJ: It's gone. The food! Gone!
Stella: What?
Heather: Gone?
Stella: How's it gone?
RJ: Ask him!
Penny: Verne?
Verne: I returned it to its rightful owner.
Both: What?
Heather: We, like, worked our tails off, you know? Like, a lot. And the food we gathered was totally... You know. And you're... You're all, whatever.
Ozzie: Yeah, Verne, what were you thinking? The log was full!
Verne: Full of junk.
Lou: So, what are you saying there? That the food we gather our way isn't as good as the food we gather your way?
Verne: Your way? You mean his way. Can't you see RJ is just using you?
Penny: [offended] Verne! Shame on you. RJ wouldn't do that.
Verne: You have got to trust me on this. Don't you understand there's something wrong with this guy? My tail tingles every time I get near him.
Stella: Oh, so we're supposed to go hungry because your butt's vibrating? I'm starting to think that tingle is just you being jealous.
Verne: Jealous? Of him?
Lou: Yeah. He's embracing the future there, and you're just holding us back.
Verne: I hold you back, all right. From extinction. [to RJ] See what you've done here? If they listened to half the stuff you're telling them, they'll be dead within a week. You are only interested in taking advantage of them because they're too stupid and naive to know any better.
Hammy: I'm not stupid.
Verne: OK, I didn't mean... I meant ignorant. To the ways over... over there. Come on, you guys. You know I didn't mean it like that. Don't... don't do this. Stella? Ozzie? Hammy? You know I didn't... Hammy...
Hammy: I'm not stupid.
Verne: Please.
Spike: Good night, Uncle RJ.
RJ: Good night, kiddo.
Dwayne: This'll cut you down to size!
Dwayne: I got ya!
Gladys: Is it done?
Dwayne: Affirmative.
Gladys: And did you put this one in? This Depelter Turbo?
Dwayne: That's a contraband item, ma'am, as it is illegal in every state, except Texas.
Gladys: I don't care if it's against the Geneva Convention. I want it!
Dwayne: I thought you might. So I took the liberty of installing it for you. Adios, animal infestation.
Gladys: Oh, my.
RJ: What have I done?
Verne: Shouldn't have taken all that food.
RJ: What?
Verne: I shouldn't have taken all that food. I was just trying to return things to the way they were. That's all. I was just being cautious. 'Cause that's what I am. I'm naturally tentative. There's even places in my shell I haven't been. You, on the other hand, you're like... cool. And crazy and fearless. I think they're right. I think I'm just jealous.
RJ: Verne, believe me, you should not be jealous of me. You got a good thing here. You're trying to do what's best for your family.
Verne: And I think you're what's best for them now.
RJ: What about your tail?
Verne: My head says listen to my tail, my tail says listen to my head, and I just... ...end up with an upset stomach. That's why you need to be in charge now. -
RJ: You don't know what's going on.
Verne: And you do. - So, what's the problem?
RJ: This, Verne, is the problem. - You see this?
Verne: I'm listening.
RJ: Just... Just hang on a second. All right?
Delivery man: You the lady throwing the party?
Gladys: Yes. Just to the right. There are protective booties to put on over your shoes.
RJ: Yes! Yes!
Verne: What is this?
RJ: What? Oh, that... ... is a... ... Iist of all the stuff that you lost, Verne.
Verne: Really?
RJ: It's a big, long list. You can see that.
Verne: You're a... organized little guy, aren't you? Nice job.
RJ: But you know what? I know a place so chock-full of food, we could get it all back in one night.
Verne: Great. Let's go. Where is it?
RJ: lnside that house.
Verne: What?
RJ: What is the point of this thing?
Verne: Just send it down.
[later]
RJ: What Verne is trying to say is... I mean, it's hard to really sum it all up in just one word.
Verne: I'm sorry.
Hammy: Oh, come here.
Oh, come here, Verne.
That's right.
RJ: OK! Listen, stay in the huddle. Here's the plan. Now, the traps are set here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here. Here, here, here, here. Big one here, here, - and maybe a few over here.
Penny: Gee, is that all?
RJ: No. There's a bunch of red lights all over here. OK, Verne? Looking a little green.
Verne: I blacked out for a second there, but I get the idea. There's lights, traps... I might need to change my shell.
RJ: OK, this is us.
Hammy: Can I be the car?
Bucky: I wanna be the car!
Quillo: I'm the car. You be the shoe. [Spike lip syncs]
Bucky: The shoe is lame.
Lou: Why don't you be that snazzy-looking iron there?
RJ: Hey, it's not important! Besides, I'm the car. I'm always the car. The plan works in three simple steps. Step one, kill the lights. Step two, get inside. Step three, get out with mountain of food.
Ozzie: But this place is like a fortress. Walls, so high. Doors, impenetrable. How will we get in?
RJ: The collar is the key. Literally, the collar. It's like a key that opens the door and if...
Stella: And what? You think he's just gonna hand over his collar to you?
RJ: Not to me, my femme fatale. To you.
Verne: Her?
Stella: Me?
RJ: You, Stella, will get that cat to give you his collar by using...
Stella: My stink.
RJ: ...your feminine charms.
Hammy: Was that out loud?
Stella: Look, raccoon, maybe that mask you're wearing is obstructing your view, but if you haven't noticed, I'm a skunk.
RJ: On the outside, maybe. But I'm looking inside, Stella, and I see a fox. And all we gotta do is get her out.
RJ: Scissors.
Stella: Scissors?
Lou:- Here we go.
Stella: Hey! Watch the...
Penny: Charcoal.
Stella: Charcoal?
RJ: Air freshener.
Ozzie: Tomato juice.
Verne: Cork.
Stella: Cork? Don't you dare.
Get 'em!
Score! Yeah!
RJ: One more thing.
Stella: Ow!
RJ: Whoa. Stop. That's it. Ladies and gentlemen, our work here is done.
Lou: Oh, my.
Penny: Big jeepers.
Heather: She's all like, wow.
Stella: What? Oh. Meow.
Whoa!
Amazing!
Heather: Gosh, she looks...
Wow.
RJ: All right, gang, this is it. We're going in.
Dwayne: Not again. Dang it! Those things are so lifelike. Curse you, plastic moldsman.
RJ: OK, Hammy.
RJ: Hammy!
RJ: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Hammy, I told you that cookie's junk!
Hammy: But I like a cookie.
Verne: What's going on? Is everything OK?
RJ: Here we go! Come on, Hammy, come on. Follow the pretty light. There it is, that's it. That's it, that's it. There it is. Go get it. That's it, that's it. Go get it, you little nut! Bingo! OK, step two.
Verne: I thought we'd be dead by step two, so this is going great!
RJ: OK, gorgeous, you're on.
Stella: Man, this better be one stupid cat.
RJ: Audio, go!
Verne: She's supposed to be a cat. Put it on cat. Maybe the cat likes a cow.
Tiger: Who goes there?
RJ: You're a cat! You're a cat!
Stella: You're a cat! I mean, I'm a cat. Meow.
Tiger: Yeah, right. Shoo. Go on, get away from here. My owner does not give scraps to common strays.
Stella: Common strays? All right, you asked for it.
RJ: Get the collar!
Stella: Gee, that's a nice collar you got on. Mind if I have a look?
Tiger: No! Come no closer! I must not be so near a creature of the outdoor woods. Away with your filth!
Stella: My filth? My filth?!
Penny: Oh, jeepers, here we go.
Stella: OK, that's it. I am sick and tired of everybody taking one look at me and running away 'cause they think I'm filthy. Well, I got news for you. I didn't get all primped and preened to have some over-fed, pompous puffball tell me he's too good for me. I got makeup on my butt, dude! And you don't even wanna know about the cork!
Tiger: Stop! No one has ever spoken to me like that! It is bold. I like it.
Stella: Well, believe me, there's more where that came from... ..puffball.
RJ: All right, team, let's boogie.
Tiger: You are strong. Your essence is overpowering.
Stella: What...? What do you mean by that?
Toger: It is your eyes.
Stella: My eyes.
Tiger: They are luminous.
Stella: Luminous? Dang.
Verne: You know, I think this is the part where I blacked out. Did the little shoes and cars actually get into the house?
Stella: So you got a name?
Tiger: Yes. It is a Persian name, for I am Persian. I was born Prince Tigeriess Mahmood Shabaz.
Stella: That's a mouthful. Can I just call you Tiger?
This place is huge.
Spike: Wicked cool.
RJ: Animals are in the house.
All: Wow!
Lou: Oh, my goodness.
Heather: This is so cool.
RJ: Yes! OK, stations, everybody.
Ozzie: Let's boogie!
We got it.
RJ: Here we go.
Hammy: No grip, no grip, no grip.
RJ: Hammy! Less claw, more pad.
Hammy: Oh, OK. That hurt.
Spike: Uh-oh.
Gladys: Just a minute, I'll be right there.
Tiger: What was that?
Stella: It... That's just the sound of my heart. Can't you hear it?
Quillo: This way, this way!
RJ: OK, OK, we're good. Go back to work.
Penny: There ya go.
Heather: Here, catch!
Lou: Oh, boy.
RJ: Yes, I'm gonna make it.
Tiger: My father, he had an exceptionally flat face. He was so beautiful, he could barely breathe.
Stella: Fascinating.
[a few hours later]
Tiger: ...inside, I have a multi-leveled climby-thing with shag carpet. Come, I show you.
Stella: No, no! I haven't told you about my life.
RJ: Good, good. Going great, going great.
Verne: What is that?
RJ: That is what gets the humans out of bed in the morning.
Spike: Where'd she go?
Verne: Get down and stay down. Move. Move.
Verne: Come on! We've gotta go before she comes back.
RJ: No! Not without those Spuddies.
Verne: What?
RJ: Lou, Penny, back to the TV. Heather, keep an eye on that human.
Heather: I'm on it, RJ.
Ozzie: No, Heather. Wait!
Verne: The tingle, the tingle. RJ! The wagon's full, let's get out of here.
RJ: Hang on, Vincent, this'll only take a second!
Verne: Vincent?
RJ: Where?
Verne: Who's Vincent?
RJ: Oh, Verne, Vincent. Simple slip of the bear. Tongue! Just bear with me is what I meant to say. There's no bear.
Heather: Lights fading. Limbs growing co...
Ozzie: Heather. Oh, Heather!
Gladys: There's a dead, white rat on my staircase.
Ozzie: I thought you were dead.
Heather: I learned from the best, Dad.
Ozzie: That's my girl.
RJ: Come to Papa.
Ozzie: We better hurry. We don't have much time.
Verne: What's going on, RJ?
RJ: Nothing!
Verne: Well, then let's get out of here because we have what we need.
RJ: No, we don't.
Verne: What are you talking about? We have more than enough.
RJ: Hey, listen! I've got about this long to hand over that wagon load of food to a homicidal bear, and If these Spuddies aren't on the menu, then I will be! Now let go of my tail!
Verne: What?
RJ: Let go!
Stella: Huh? Uh, I'm sorry, I've gotta go.
Tiger: Stella, Stella, where are you going? STELLAA!!
Tiger: Stella!
Stella: Look, it's not you. It won't work, OK, because I'm a...
Gladys: Skunk!
Stella: Yeah, that. Sorry you have to see this. Fire in the hole!
Gladys: Oh, my...
Stella: This smell doesn't bother you?
Tiger: No. This face was bred for beauty. I cannot smell a thing.
Stella: You can't smell?
Verne: To the door! Go, go, go, go, go, go! Run!
Stella: This way!
Dwayne: Let's party. Bunnies!
Tiger: Flee, my love!
Verne: Run, that way. Outside!
Lou: Move, kids! Come on!
Dwayne: Buenos dias, reptile. You've just been verminated. Whoa. You stink.
Gladys: That's because you let them into my... house! Those...
Dwayne: Hey, Nancy, stop your honkin'. These little guys will be disposed of quickly and humanely.
Gladys: No! Not humanely. As inhumanely as possible.
Dwayne: It was a pleasure doing business with you, ma'am.
Quillo: What's he gonna do to us, Mama?
Penny: I don't know, baby.
Heather: I don't wanna die, Dad. Not for real.
Ozzie: There, there, there, sweetheart. We'll be OK.
Lou: You were right about him, Verne. We should've listened. Sorry there.
Verne: . No. I knew we couldn't trust him, and I got us into this. I should've known better.
Vincent: Wow!
RJ: Vincent?
Vincent: So I was on my way down here to kill you. But I stopped to watch the show, and I gotta say... ...that, right there, is a thing of beauty. That is the most vicious, deceitful, self-serving thing I've ever seen. Classic RJ. You take the food, and they take the fall. You keep this up, you're gonna end up just like me. Having everything you ever wanted.
RJ: But I already had that.
Vincent: What, them? Who are you kidding? You said it yourself, you're a family of one. Always will be. It's how guys like you and me survive. So a few saps got hurt in the process. Tough. That's life. Trust me, you don't need them.
RJ: Actually, I do. And right now, they really need me. So I really need this!
Vincent: RJ!
Dwayne: What the...?
Hammy: There goes my back again.
RJ: Are you OK?
Stella: You sorry sack of rat dung.
RJ: Whoa, Stella, this is a rescue. I'm rescuing you.
Stella: I'm gonna gas you so hard your grandchildren'll stink.
Verne: Bear!
RJ: What's that?
Verne: Bear!
RJ: Hair?
Verne: Bear!
RJ: Dare?
Verne: Bear!
Oh, bear!
Whoa!
We're out of control!
We can drive.
It's just like Auto-Homicide 3!
What?
RJ: Verne, let me in! Wrong button! Wrong button!
GPS: Please select destination.
Hammy: Take us home! Take us to the log!
GPS: Previous destination selected. Make a legal U-turn.
We got it!
RJ: Hammy! Let me in!
Hammy: Not listening to RJ.
Kids, lose that bear!
What weapons do we have?
We've got a hammer.
Cool.
You little...
Thank you. Yes, yes! Hey!
Let me in, let me in!
No! Ring-tailed charlatan!
Ozzie!
He's trying to help us. Just let him in.
After what he did to us?
But he came back. And he brought a bear.
No fighting while we're driving.
We will turn this van around, mister.
He started it.
I'm telling you, he's trying to help us.
But, Verne, you're the one who always says trust your tail.
But it's not tingling.
Why didn't you say so?
Hey! Thank you, thank you.
You're dead, RJ!
Duck!
And your friends are next.
Look out!
Gps: Make an immediate left turn.
Bonus points!
Yeah!
RJ!
Yeah!
Look out.
High score.
Verne: No, no, no, no!
Gps: You have arrived.
Everybody all right? - Come on! - We've gotta go, we've gotta go!
Dwayne: The old jazz dance injury.
Come on, come on. Quillo!
Go, go, go.
Did we make it?
That was close!
All right!
Are we here? Penny? The kids here? Hammy?
Hammy: Scary clown.
Look out!
Hammy: A weed hacker, Verne. A weed hacker!
Hey!
Up, up, go up. Show your little rat faces.
Gladys: Filthy creatures. Stay in the woods where you belong.
Watch out!
Dwayne: You guys wanna party, do ya? All right, then, let's party.
Mom!
Kids! Penny, Lou, look out! Down!
RJ: That's it! Verne, get everybody out of here. I'll distract him.
Are you crazy? He'll kill you.
RJ: Well, I'm the one he wants.
Take care of your family, Verne.
I intend to. The whole family.
There's got to be something we can do.
There's no time.
Hammy!
Hey, Vincent. You were right.
With a Spuddie, enough just isn't enough.
RJ!
Now, Hammy. Go, go, go!
Hammy: OK... I got the cookie.
Gladys: That's the...
Dwayne: The Depelter Turbo. Prepare for a lot of stinging.
Dywane: Oh, no! No, no! No, no! No!
Glays: My hair!
Dyane: That stung like I knew it would!
Yeah! - All right!
Stella: Good job, everybody. That's teamwork.
RJ: Come here, Hammy, come here. You are a genius, my boy.
Hammy: Oh, thank you.
RJ: And, Verne, don't you ever fix this shell!
Verne: Yeah. Glad it's working for ya. Take it off, give it back.
Here we go, off to the Rockies for you, Smoky.
Officer: Now, you do realize that was a Depelter Turbo?
Gladys: Officer, please. It was that Verminator. He sold it to me. This has nothing to do with me.
Officer: Hey, hey, it was in your yard. Your name's on the contract, so tell it to the judge.
Gladys: No! It's not my fault! Let go of me!
OfficeR: Ma'am...
Gladys: I can't be arrested! I'm the president of the homeowner's association!
Officer: Take her down!
Dwayne: She's getting away!
We got a twitcher! Watch it! Ma'am!
Dwayne: Get her!
- Stop that! - Can I get help over here? Somebody get a hold of her legs!
Dog: Play?
Dwayne: Oh, no! No, no! No, no!
High five, Hammy!
Hammy: Yes! - It worked! We did it! -
Oh, yes! -
Tiger: Stella! Stella!
Stella: Over here, Tiger.
Tiger: Oh, Stella. So this is the outdoor woods? I like it.
Stella: Come on, big boy. You're coming with me.
Verne: You know, RJ, just for the record, if you had told us that all that food you were trying to get was to pay back an angry bear, we would've given it to you.
RJ: Really?
Verne: Yeah, that's what families do. They look out for each other.
RJ: I've never had anything like that.
Verne: I know. But believe me, this... This is the gateway to the good life.
RJ: Really wish you would've told me that sooner.
Verne: Well, that's bad communication. Also something families do. So, what do you say? You wanna be a part of it?
Hammy: Come here, come here. I promised I wouldn't do this. OK.
Ozzie: Welcome to the family!
Hey!
Heather: Group hug!
OK, OK.
Verne: What a first week of spring, huh? Wait a minute! That means there's only 267 days left till winter. What are we gonna do for food?
RJ: Yes, Hammy.
Hammy: I filled the log.
Penny: Jeepers!
What...?
Hammy: Look, look! I found my nuts!
RJ: That, my friends, is the object of all human attention and devotion. - And they call it a TV.
Spike: Wicked cool!
RJ: You see, humans feel an inner need to connect with the world around them.
Lou: That is super-duper.
RJ: They also feel a need to sit on their fat butts. Watching TV fulfills both needs at the same time.
Stella: Wow. Interesting.
Penny :Come on, kids. Family time there, in front of the TV. Got your snack food?
Hammy: Buy a vowel. Buy a vowel! Buy a "Y". Please buy a "Y".
Ozzie: I can't find the remote.
Lou: Hey, Spikey, race ya!
Ozzie: Has anybody seen the remote?
Heather: Dad, chill.
Spike: I could do a little TV. Today's the day we find out if the baby is gifted or if Saxon is really an alien.
Hammy: Just like Khan in Star Trek II! The Genesis Project was in the hands of the Enterprise, but Khan had his plan to steal the invention!
Verne: Well, that was specific.
Hammy: I saw it on TNT, a retrospective. -
Heather: Gummi Worm, anybody?
RJ: Let me have one.
Stella: Bucky, pass this to Lou.
Lou:Taste this.
Quillo: Don't you take that.
Verne: This is the perfect food.
RJ: Fat-free cookies? You might as well be eating dirt.
Hammy: I've had dirt. I don't like dirt. It tastes like dirt.
Heather: The show is starting.
Category:Transcripts