Grooming

"Grooming" is the first episode of SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD. Written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, the episode was first aired on July 19, 2022 on Edgemo.
===Synopsis===
Pluto, SpongeBob SquarePants and CrazySponge are stuck in a broken elevator.
===Transcript===
[The episode starts as Pluto - the dwarf planet - rolls like a marble into an elevator, screaming with uncertainty.]
Pluto: Can someone help? Please? 
[Text flashes on screen saying “PLUTO”, before SpongeBob SquarePants is seen at the other end of the elevator.]
SpongeBob: No problem, buddy! I’m here to help!
[SpongeBob runs after Pluto to pick him up but as soon as both are in the elevator, the door shuts.]
SpongeBob: Aw, tartar sauce.
[Text flashes on screen saying “SPONGEBOB”.]
Pluto: Oh, dear God. One of my biggest fears is being locked in an elevator with a green fish.
[A distant “HOOPLA!” is heard, before a green fish comes crashing down onto the floor of the elevator, landing face-first. Text flashes on screen saying “CRAZYSPONGE”.]
CrazySponge: [stands up, pushing up his red glasses] I should probably tell you two that this elevator does not work. It’s broken. No longer functioning.
SpongeBob: Huh? Then how come we could get in?
CrazySponge: I have no idea. 
[CrazySponge pulls out a gun and shoots the buttons off of the elevator, preventing it from moving.]
CrazySponge: Now, nice to meet you folks. Call me Aidan.
[He offers to shake their hands, before realising that the gun is still in his hand.]
CrazySponge: Oh, silly me! Wrong hand.
[He pulls out his left hand, full of grime, and offers to shake SpongeBob’s hand.]
SpongeBob: I-I think I’ll pass. It’s nice to meet you though, Aidan! I think that since we’re all stuck in this elevator together FOREVER, we could become the bestest of friends!
Pluto: Oy vey.
[Cut to a minimal black and white titlecard that says “GROOMING”, before cutting back to the elevator, of which the rest of the episode takes part in.]
Pluto: Anyone got a cigarette?
[Both CrazySponge and SpongeBob gasp in surprise.]
SpongeBob: You’re a dwarf planet, you’re way too little to be smoking.
Pluto: I know, it’s just hard being the lesbianator. You think that girls want you and really, all they want you for are your magical conversion powers.
CrazySponge: L-lesbians? WHERE?!
SpongeBob: Not in this elevator, that’s for sure.
Pluto: God, I hope someone busts us out of here quick.
CrazySponge: Yeah, I bet one of us busts before that happens.
[SpongeBob rolls Pluto gently away from CrazySponge.]
CrazySponge: What? This episode is rated Cookie Monster.
SpongeBob: [whispering to Pluto] Don’t worry, Pluto. It’ll all be okay.
Pluto: [rolls away] Hey, I’m not a little kid! I know about all the sex!
SpongeBob: I… [sighs] okay, Spongey, you can do this! We’ll be out in no time! Now, did either of you bring anything with you?
Pluto: What? Do you think I brought anything with me rolling aimlessly into a broken elevator? We didn’t plan any of this, sunshine-and-rainbows.
SpongeBob: Geez, Pluto, I’m just trying to help everyone stay sane.
CrazySponge: Whilst you two argue, I think I am going to continue reading my book.
[CrazySponge has had a backpack full of shit this whole time.]
SpongeBob: Whose books are ya readin’, Mr. Hoopla? ? ? ?
CrazySponge: o. Two things: first, since when were you so knowledgeable of books, SpongeBob? I remember you being a dumbass in .
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Oh, you! I did A-Level English Literature.
CrazySponge: Okayyy… and second: I’m not reading any impressive literary classics or anything. Just books.
SpongeBob: [sighs] …What kind of Star Wars books?
[CrazySponge pulls out a colouring book full of Star Wars characters called Funny Name for a Star Wars Colouring Book, as well as red, white and blue crayons.]
Pluto: I thought all the Star Wars characters wore black and white armour, and brown robes…
CrazySponge: There are only THREE colours in this world, and they are the colours of our glorious nation, the . 
[He stands up with his arm on his chest and starts reciting the off the top of his head. SpongeBob picks up the crayons, finds a blank page in the colouring book and whilst Pluto covers his ears, draws a . SpongeBob passes the book to Pluto, open on that page.]
Pluto: Hey, Sponge!
[CrazySponge does not respond, so Pluto throws the book at his head, pushing him down to the ground.]
CrazySponge: [itching his head] What the… FRENCH?! My worst enemy…
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Now that we’ve knocked some sense into you, how about I try and guide us through these painful days on the elevator with a bit of song? [breathes in] F is for…
Pluto: Fuck off, Bob. We’re not friends. Just happen to be three people stuck in the same shitty dilemma.
[Pluto gets out a cigarette and lights it, leading SpongeBob to gasp and CrazySponge to yelp in panic.]
CrazySponge: YOU! NO NO NO NO! YOU CANNOT SMOKE HERE! YOU WILL KILL US ALL!
SpongeBob: You can’t be a smoker at this age!
Pluto: I’m not, it’s just desperate measures being with you two Bozos™. 
[CrazySponge chugs a bottle of water and regurgitates it all onto Pluto’s cigarette.]
CrazySponge: Smoking. Is Not. Based. We’re stuck in this elevator with barely any air between us and I am not having some of that air taken up by nicotine!
SpongeBob: He has a point, Pluto.
CrazySponge: I know I do. Now that you’ve agreed with me on that point, I think you’ll agree with me on this one: is the primary suspect in the and the government story is a cover-up by the —
SpongeBob: Okay, now you’re sounding like one of those people who thinks . [signature laugh]
[Pluto and CrazySponge sit with blank faces.]
SpongeBob: [snobbishly] Who put you in this elevator? Ugh!
[CrazySponge’s stomach rumbles.]
CrazySponge: Anyone got any food? I’m starving here!
[Pluto brings out a mobile phone.]
Pluto: I guess I could order some. I don't know if delivers to broken elevators.
SpongeBob: You had your phone on you all this time?
[We see the elevator from CrazySponge’s perspective, which is full of multicolour delusions, making it seem like CrazySponge is in a psychedelic desert - Pluto is a camel’s hump and SpongeBob is an oddly square cactus. We then see it from Pluto’s perspective, which is an inexplicable badly-made CGI model, with SpongeBob and CrazySponge being just as low-poly. We finally see it from SpongeBob’s perspective, and the “F.U.N.” song plays as CrazySponge, dressed as , and Pluto, dressed as , are marching proudly in a field of gorgeous flowers.]
CrazySponge: I’m so hungry I could eat a camel.
[Pluto rolls away for safety’s sake.]
SpongeBob: Well, good thing we don’t live in ! [signature laugh]
[Pluto chuckles slightly to himself and CrazySponge rubs his eyes with a sigh.]''
SpongeBob: I’m trying my best… say, how about we play a friendly game? Like, uh, “two truths and a lie”?
Pluto: No, I can’t play that. Last time I played that, I… I…
[Images of the come flashing towards Pluto’s subconsciousness.]
SpongeBob: Oh, don’t be silly! It’s just a game, not trauma!
CrazySponge: That’s what they said about …
SpongeBob: Okay, so I’ll start! My three statements are: I work at the Krusty Krab–
CrazySponge: How do we play this game?
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] I thought everyone knew this game, Mr. Sponge! 
CrazySponge: Well, I don’t know who everyone is because I’ve never played it. Not even with my girl [pauses] friend.
SpongeBob: Well, basically, I come up with three statements and you have to decide which one isn’t the truth. Is that clear?
CrazySponge: [after being in deep thought] …Sure.
SpongeBob: Okay, so: I work at the Krusty Krab. I have 29 holes and… I have a snail named Gary.
CrazySponge: I KNOW THIS! I’VE WATCHED EVERY EPISODE OF YOUR SHOW! The lie must be that you have 29 holes because they never specify how many you specifically have in the series! 
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Nope!
Pluto: But you do have a pet snail named Gary. 
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Yup! 
CrazySponge: [distressed] But you love your job at the Krab. You’re ready and willing every single morning to cook some delicious Krabby Patties! …R-right?
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Nope! I’m fired from the Krusty Krab! B-b-b-b… [his joyful stammering soon becomes tearful] BUDGET CUTS! 
[SpongeBob sobs endlessly, and instead of comforting the sponge, Pluto and CrazySponge grimace with the sound of his crying.]
Pluto: How long do you think this is gonna last?
CrazySponge: I guess for as long as he’s sad about being fired. 
Pluto: How could he be fired anyway? The Krusty Krab can’t survive without SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [in between tears] M-M-M-Mr. Krabs says he’s doing just fine!
[There is a brief cut to the Krusty Krab placed ordinarily in its typical location for five seconds before it spontaneously combusts, before cutting back to the elevator. The explosion is enough to cause a small quake in the elevator.]
Pluto: GAH! Did you feel that?
CrazySponge: [eyes perking up] AN EARTHQUAKE! OH, GOD, OH, FUCK! WE MUST PREPARE IMMEDIATELY!
[CrazySponge opens his backpack, finds uncooked, -branded pasta and starts eating it.]
SpongeBob: Isn’t that gonna make you feel sick?
CrazySponge: [with a mouth full of pasta] IT’S TO PRESERVE THE NUTRIENTS! 
[CrazySponge puts his hands on SpongeBob’s shoulders and grips tightly.]
CrazySponge: SO WE STAND A CHANCE OF LIVING IN THE DYSTOPIAN FUTURE!
Pluto: There was one quake, it’s not a nuclear attack.
CrazySponge: YOU FOOL! One thing leads to another and BAM! We have no toilet paper. We have no houses. We have no plants. Our names are Jim, Jam and Jimothy! Listen, guys, we may need to prepare for the inevitability of us dying in a nuclear holocaust. 
Pluto: Excuse me?
[CrazySponge loses grip of SpongeBob as he realises what he said.]
CrazySponge: Oh, well, I didn’t mean it that way–
Pluto: Your statement is far from Jew-approved.
[SpongeBob lets out his signature laugh.]
Pluto and CrazySponge: [in unison] Not the time!
Pluto: Sadly, there’s nothing in here I could kill you with but believe me you, if there WERE I’d be using it!
SpongeBob: Well, he’s already halfway there with the amount of uncooked pasta he’s eaten.
CrazySponge: [burps] Our time is now, boys. The end is nigh.
[CrazySponge puts his tin foil hat on, sits in the centre of the elevator, and starts staring at his Star Wars colouring book. There is some silence between the three as Pluto and SpongeBob watch in confusion.]
Pluto: [hesitantly] You know you’re supposed to colour them in, right?
[CrazySponge leans into Pluto and shushes him.]
CrazySponge: I need my peace.
[CrazySponge leans back into the centre as Pluto grimaces uncomfortably at what just occurred.]
Pluto: God, I really do need to smoke.
[Lo-fi hip hop music plays as we get a panning shot of the elevator, moving through the three characters. First up is SpongeBob, using tissues to dry his eyes and looking at pictures he had printed and hidden in his SquarePants. The pictures consist of SpongeBob’s time at the Krusty Krab, like him being hired to Krabs’ joy and Squidward’s dismay, him flipping Krabby Patties at his grill, him shaking hands with , and him hugging his spatula. He collects the photos, slightly dampened by tears, and puts them back into his SquarePants. Next up is Pluto, who - somehow - smokes a cigarette and browses his phone, of which there are images of various emo girls he used to know. He talks under his breath as he swipes through them.]
Pluto: Lesbian… lesbian… mega lesbian… 
[He comes across a picture of and sighs, taking a heavy puff of his cigarette. Finally, we see CrazySponge, still meditating with his Star Wars colouring book as thoughts creep into his subconscious. We hear these fleeting thoughts - “American Dad Speedrunning”, “There’s a virus, how I be having them close time if I can’t?”, “The best thing to do after jacking off is to help a baby” - and he shivers in disgust at them. He briefly picks up a red crayon and starts colouring in. Only then is he able to crack a smile: a slight smile, but a smile nonetheless. The music stops as Pluto breaks the silence.]
Pluto: God, I need to take a massive shit.
[The episode ends.]
Category:SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Episodes written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:PlutoIsAPineapple
Category:CrazySponge
Category:2020s
Category:Episode transcripts