Counseling Quotes

:Dwight: Welcome to the Sesame Avenue Daycare Center for infants and toddlers.
:Jim: Aaah!
:Mose: Aaah!
:Dwight: You remember my cousin Mose.
:Mose: Welcome children.
:Pam: Were you painting in the dark?
:Jim: Wait. Is this your place Dwight?
:Dwight: Oh no. I like to think of it as a kids place. Would you like a tour?
:Pam: I don't really think we need...
:Jim: Oh... lets take the tour Pam.
:Pam: Yeah.
:Dwight: Come on. Here is the language skills and cognitive development area. These are English... uh... letters. [pause] I see you found out magical toy box Jim.
:Jim: These are actually forks and knives from the break room.
:Dwight: Jim! To you and me, maybe, but, come on! To a child's imagination that's Mr. Fork and Lieutenant Knife and... Ms. Fork.
:Pam: And a soy sauce packet.
:Dwight: Oh! That shouldn't have been in there. I'm embarrassed.
:Jim: Don't beat yourself up.
:Dwight: We come fully equipped with a restroom. Feeding trough, play bucket, and room for a plant, in success.
:Jim: Who will be watching the children?
:Dwight: No one. The door locks from the outside. Escape is impossible.
:Jim: Prove it.
:Dwight: What?
:Jim: Were going to head outside, give it a whirl. I just want to see how it works.
:Dwight: Oh no, no, no.
:Jim: But I'll tell you this, if this works out, I think we're looking real good.
:Dwight: I promise you, that door locks! [Jim closes the door]
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:Toby: What's something that you...
:Michael: This is the worst! You are the worst! I hate looking at your face! I wanna smash it!
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:Michael: Ok, you know what? I made a mistake. I committed corporate punishment. My bad. It's over. It's done. But my punishment is ... um ... worse than hell.
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:Michael: I know what you want to ask me. “Did your mom ever see you naked?”
:Toby: We can do this with more privacy.
:Michael: So you can molest me? Oh, ok. I don't think so. We're going to leave the blinds open so every one can see what a big failure you are. That's the key.
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:Phyllis: I'm glad Michael's getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he's stupid.
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:Kelly: I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.
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:Michael: Toby, can I really tell you anything?
:Toby: Of course.
:Michael: Well, the other night, I was sitting at the table, eating my penis... I mean peas. That was weird. Aaaah... weird. I think that was ... I was probed. By an alien life form. An A.L.F. Alf, you know, I might have actually been probed by Alf. You might think he's a puppet. You never see the lower half. But there is a lower half.
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:Erin: Disposable cameras are fun, although it does seem wasteful and you don't ever get to see your pictures. If it's an important even that you want to remember, I recommend using a real camera. But I don't care if I forget today.
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:Toby: We can play something more complicated if you like.
:Michael: This is plenty complicated.
:Toby: So you have played it before?
:Michael: I've played it once or twice with Jeff.
:Toby: Who's Jeff?
:Michael: Jeff was my mother's boyfriend, who she married.
:Toby: So, her husband, your stepdad?
:Michael: Yeah, Yeah. I guess I never thought about it that way, though.
:Toby: Did you guys do much stuff together?
:Michael: Yeah. You know what? He took me to a baseball game once, I remember. It was weird though. They took the pitcher out of the game. I felt really bad, because the pitcher wasn't able to play with his friends anymore. But Jeff said that the manager was making a really good move, by taking the pitcher out. He really respected the manager.
:Toby: It's working. I'm doing it!
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:Toby: It's really sad that your dog ran away. Why did it keep you from going to the park?
:Michael: I was afraid I would find him in the park, playing with another kid.
:Toby: Why?
:Michael: I guess that's why I thought he ran away in the first place. To find a kid he liked better.
:Toby: Dogs don't do that.
:Michael: Right. Why would a dog do that? That's silly.
:Toby: I don't know.
:Michael: When I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. But I've never said it out loud, so...
:Toby: It's very important for you to be liked, isn't it?
:Michael: Well, lets not get too... This isn't a counseling session... Ok. Son of a gun. Son of a bitch. Wow! Ok.
:Toby: I'm just trying to help you Michael.
:Michael: You. Bitch. God! You're very helpful aren't you? You try to help everybody. Do you want to play another game?
:Toby: I just want to...
:Michael: You are good. But you know what? You can't help people. You couldn't help your marriage. You lose. I don't need your help. Nobody needs your help. Nobody wants it! You can't help anybody. I don't need your help! Am I going to make you cry?
:Toby: [tossing forms at Michael] Just fill them out any way you want.
:Michael: Ok.
:Toby: I'll have Erin fax them back to corporate.
:Michael: You'll do. . . ok. Filled out. Good. Thank you doctor. Take two of these [giving Toby two middle fingers] and call me in the morning.
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:Gabe: So, Corporate got your evaluations, and they want me to check, is that really how you feel about Michaels situation?
:Toby: Yes.
:Gabe: That is not how it seems to me.
:Toby: He seems fine.
:Gabe: You marked severe in all the categories, including at risk for homicidal behavior.
:Toby: Heh.
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:Michael: You forged them! You forged the forms!
:Toby: You filled them in and faxed them yourself!
:Michael: Yes.
:Toby: You remember that.
:Michael: Yes, but you had me so worked up that I made a mistake.
:Toby: Unless part of you made that mistake on purpose.
:Michael: You don't make a mistake on purpose, Toby! Then it is no longer a mistake... Gabe. He messed it up. He messed up the forms, I bet... [mimicking Gabe] “I mess everything up so I can fix it and keep my job! Bah! Good thing I'm here cause I do nothing. I make everybody nervous!” [normal voice] Ah, ok. Got your notebook? Alright. Alright, lets bang this out. Let's do it to it!
Category:Season 7 quotes