Advice No One Asked For: Number Sixteen/Transcript

Advice No One Asked For: Number Sixteen is the sixteenth episode of Buckley's "Advice No One Asked For" series.  It is available as an audio file on his website (in the "Supplements" section), as well as on YouTube.
Description (as seen on the website and on YouTube): Unwanted Advice Guru Buckley returns with some advice for a teenager who is having trouble popping his dating cherry.
==Transcript==
(introduction music playing during the following paragraph)
Welcome to "Advice No One Asked For".  The feature at A Dose of Buckley where I take time out of my very busy schedule to help those who clearly need help.  Even though they asked someone else for it.  They probably just got confused and sent it to the wrong email address.  Yeah, that's it.  Today's question comes from a teenager who's struggling with the ladies.
Dear someone more qualified and less of a dick,
I am already thirteen, and I have never had a girlfriend.  I am becoming very desperate and I want a girlfriend 'cause all of my friends have one.  It pains me, and I'm very jealous.  I'm going to go crazy if I don't get a GF.  Please help me!
Signed...let's call him, "Thirteen Going On Thirty in Thousand Oaks".
Already thirteen?  Holy shit, you should be married with kids and a mortgage by now!  The thing about being a teenager is that you pretty much have no perspective on life.  When you're thirteen, you've lived about zero percent of your life if you round down.  Your life experience includes eating chocolate and playing video games.  Unless you're one of those bizarre kids that volunteers without being told to, your contribution to society is also zero percent.  In fact it's like negative a hundred percent.  All you've done is taken so far.  Taxes are paid for you to go to school, your parents buy your food and clothes or give you money to buy your own food and clothes, your allowance was earned by doing things you should be doing anyway like cleaning up messes you made in the house, but the issue is you're thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, whatever.  It's not your fault you are the age you are, you can only age as quickly as time will pass.  So based on your perspective, everything seems like a huge deal because you have nothing to compare it to.  No life experiences, and your social life in middle school or high school is all you have.  Your problems aren't even first world problems, they're problems people with first world problems wished they had.  And this is one of those things.  "I'm become very desperate to get a girlfriend." Why? You're thirteen, first of all, being desperate, that's ridiculous.  Single, lonely, fourty-five-year-olds should be desperate - the clock's ticking for them, it's not long before their uteresus stop working, where they need a pill to make their penis do that thing it did every fifteen minutes by itself when you're a teenager.  And unless you date the school tramp, you're not going to get your little teenage dick wet yet anyway so, what do you want a girlfriend for anyway?  Because your friends have one?  This is a dad thing to say, but if your friends all had herpes, would you want that too?  And what the fuck would you do with her anyway?  Hang out, and maybe kiss.  Best case scenario is that you'll get the worst handjob of your life, but you're thirteen, so it'll be the best one you ever had. The fact that you just want a girlfriend, any girlfriend, because your friends have one, just proves that your thirteen-year-old hormonal teenage feelings mean nothing.  When you're thirteen, you're in love with every girl who smiles in your direction or will say "hello" to you.  Well, let me tell you kid - you do not want a thirteen-year-old girlfriend. Young teenage girls' hormones are scarier than a fucking cyclone full of razor blades.  The second you get a girlfriend, you won't even be able to look at another girl without getting yelled at, you won't be able to hang out with your friends because she'll complain you're not spending any time with her - even though you'll see her like thirty times a day at school - saying hello to another girl will be considered cheating!  You'll be miserable, but you'll think, "Well, it's OK, at least I have a girlfriend!"  Then she'll make out with an older dude at a party three months later, and you'll be even more miserable.  Think you're going crazy now?  Get a girlfriend and find out what going crazy is, when everything you do is wrong, even when you do the exact opposite of whatever wrong thing you did yesterday that pissed her off.  Now, enjoy being single and thirteen and having literally no real problems.  Then, wait until you're fifteen or sixteen, then ask out the nerdiest girl in school.  They're the least crazy, and they always somehow end up being the hottest later on.
(introductory music playing)
I'm Buckley, and you're welcome.