Pickle Pampers

Pickle Pampers is the second episode of Pampers in the House.
== Transcript ==
[Establishing shot of the black house. Cut to SpongeCicle chilling out in a refrigerator.]
Pampers: (offscreen) SpongeCicle!
[SpongeCicle pauses, opens the fridge door, looks around and finds nothing, and then closes the door again.]
Pampers: (offscreen) SpongeCicle!
[SpongeCicle opens the fridge door again.]
SpongeCicle: Pampers?
Pampers: (offscreen) Heeey SpoooongeeCiicccllleeeee!
SpongeCicle: Pampers?
[SpongeCicle steps out from the fridge.]
SpongeCicle: Wh- Where are you?
Pampers: SpongeCicle, I'm in my presidential office, come to my office.
[Cut to SpongeCicle entering Pampers' empty office.]
SpongeCicle: Are you sure you're in here?
Pampers: (offscreen) Positive.
SpongeCicle: (looking around) Well I don't see you in here.
Pampers: (sigh) Just come to my desk, 'Cicle.
[SpongeCicle hops over to Pampers' desk to find a pickle.]
SpongeCicle: Oh no.
Pampers: Flip the pickle over.
SpongeCicle: No, no, I see where this is going.
Pampers: Just flip the pickle over, okay?
SpongeCicle: You're not funny, Pampers.
Pampers: Just do it, alright?!
SpongeCicle: Ugggghhhh, fine. Let's get this over with.
[He flips the pickle over to find Pampers' face on it.]
Pickle Pampers: I turned myself into a pickle, SpongeCicle! Boom! Big reveal: I'm a pickle. What do you think about that? I turned myself into a pickle!
[Pause.]
Pickle Pampers: W-what are you just staring at me for, bro. I turned myself into a pickle, SpongeCicle!
SpongeCicle: And?
Pickle Pampers: And what? Is this not the funniest shit you've ever seen?
SpongeCicle: N- Not really, no, it's kinda a dead meme, Pampers.
Pickle Pampers: Dead meme, pffft, more like you're a dead meme! Just look at me - I'm Pickle Pampers!
I'm the new kid, moving in
Getting it done
And I'm officially the candidate
For having some fun you know
You better calm down Pampers
I'm talking 'bout an all-out party
And we're getting it started
Mr. President, y'all mind some electric guitar?
Original Island will never be the same
Cause we've got
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers in the House
Yeah! It's a party every week, baby!
Pampers, Pampers, Pampers check it out
That's right, I'm in the house!
He's gonna shake it up and change it
Take it all and rearrange it
Got a new plan, hey Uncle Pamp!
We've got Pampers in the House!
Pampers in the House!
I'm your man!
[Unnamed Assistant enters the room.]
Unnamed Assistant: President Pampers, reminder that your summit meeting with the president of Petoria is in tw- (rushes over to the desk) GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN HERE?!'
Pickle Pampers: Uh…. aurora borealis?
Unnamed Assistant: Aurora borea- is this some weird starfish thing I haven't heard of.
Pickle Pampers: Oh, you liking the new look Jeeves?
Unnamed Assistant: That's not my name.
SpongeCicle: Then what is your name?
Unnamed Assistant: Uh-
Pickle Pampers: Just forget it, behold, I turned myself into a pickle!
Unnamed Assistant: I- You- I uh- We should- I…
[Pause.]
Unnamed Assistant: What the fuck?!
Pickle Pampers: I turned myself into a pickle, what don't you understand here?
Unnamed Assistant: But… how?
Pickle Pampers: Beats me.
Unnamed Assistant: But sir, you have your summit meeting in just a couple hours! This is no time for shenanigans! You can't show up… like this!!!
Pickle Pampers: Why not? It'd be good publicity.
SpongeCicle: He has a point.
Unnamed Assistant: Just… (groans) just please turn yourself back, okay?!
Pickle Pampers: Okay.
[The unnamed assistant leaves.]
SpongeCicle: You can turn yourself back, right?
Pickle Pampers: Nope.
SpongeCicle: Great, that's just perfect. One of my closest friends is now a pickle.
Pickle Pampers: You're a popsicle.
SpongeCicle: Touché. We just need to somehow turn you back or Unnamed Assistant will kill us!
Pickle Pampers: Well how are we supposed to do that, smart guy?
SpongeCicle: Well I dunno, do I?! 
Pickle Pampers: It's a shame we don't know a mad scientist or anyone who could help us out here.
SpongeCicle: Aha! But we do! Mr. Craps!
Pickle Pampers: Mr. Crack?
SpongeCicle: No, that's the eccentric restaurant owner. Mr. Craps is the eccentric evil scientist.
Pickle Pampers: Evil?
SpongeCicle: Well we all have to make a deal with the Devil sooner or later, right?
[Cut to the two approaching Mr. Craps' island laboratory.]
Pickle Pampers: Ugh, that was some steep hill.
SpongeCicle: I was carrying you the whole time!
Pickle Pampers: Yeah but… whoo I'm exhausted.
SpongeCicle: At least when you're not a pickle you have more than one leg and they're not popsicle sticks.
Pickle Pampers: Someone has issues…
SpongeCicle: You're the one who turned yourself into a pickle with a few hours left into your big meeting with- hey, were you trying to get out of your important meeting?
Pickle Pampers: Perhaps.
SpongeCicle: I hate you. 
Pickle Pampers: Love you too.
SpongeCicle: Ugh, let's just get to the lab and hope the man hasn't gone out or something.
[They approach the laboratory door, there is a sign that reads "Sorry, I've gone out or something. Love, Mr. Craps xxx". The two stare in silence for a few seconds.]
SpongeCicle: Well this blows.
[Cut to the two pushing a shopping cart down a supermarket aisle.]
SpongeCicle: Okay, so that flopped. What are we supposed to do now? He might not be back for ages.
Pickle Pampers: Eh, I say we go back in like an hour or so. It's cutting it close but I'm not waiting on his doorstep for forever.
SpongeCicle: Wait, what are we doing here again?
Pickle Pampers: Well if I'm stuck being a pickle-
SpongeCicle: You say that as if you didn't do this to yourself.
Pickle Pampers: Whatever. If I'm stuck being a pickle for now, I might as well start mixing in with my people. SpongeCicle, could you grab that pickle jar for me please? I would get it myself but, you know… I turned myself into a pickle.
SpongeCicle: Fine.
[SpongeCicle reaches for a pickle jar and tries to take it off the shelf but some kind of force keeps pulling it back.]
SpongeCicle: Ugh, it won't budge!
Pickle Pampers: What do you mean? Did someone glue it to the shelf or something?
SpongeCicle: I don't know bu- 
[SpongeCicle manages to grab the jar and places it in the cart. Plankles, who was trying to grab the jar from the other aisle, is sent flying across to the opposite shelf screaming.]
SpongeCicle: There! Wait, what was that?
Plankles: (offscreen) Over here!
[Pan over to Plankles stuck to the label of some tomato ketchup.]
Plankles: You idiot! You could have had me killed!
SpongeCicle: Oh, uh, heh… (he peels Plankles off the ketchup) sorry about that. Wait, Plankles? Is that you?
Plankles: SpongeCicle? Holy shit! I haven't seen you since like… 2018 was it? I mean, yeah, you're vice-president now so obviously I've seen you but I haven't seen you seen you.
SpongeCicle: Still going after the ol' Crack Patty secret formula, are we?
Plankles: Heh, uh… yes, actually. Anyway, what are you doing here shopping with the commoners?
SpongeCicle: Commoners?
Plankles: Yeah, you know, peasants, poor people. Even I'm embarrassed to shop here and, as much as I don't want to admit it, I have no power whatsoever!
SpongeCicle: Oh, Pampers and I just came in for some pickles.
Plankles: President Pampers is here?!
Pickle Pampers: hi how are ya
Plankles: (scream) How in God's name did you do that?!
Pickle Pampers: Well it's interesting actually-
Plankles: Nevermind, I've heard enough. We've got to get you back to your normal self! You've got your summit meeting soon!
SpongeCicle: I thought you didn't support us and The Birthday Party.
Plankles: Well I am a commie but friends are always there to help each other when they get into a pickle, right?
Pickle Pampers: Please stop.
SpongeCicle: Hold on, you can turn Pampers back to normal?
Plankles: Yeah, of course! I like to dabble in the sciences a little bit. If you bring me one of the president's armpit hairs or something and meet me back at my place it should be no problem!
Pickle Pampers: Look, Plankles, we appreciate the offer bu-
SpongeCicle: We'll see you in about half an hour!
Plankles: Great!
[Cut to SpongeCicle and Pampers walking down the halls of the Black House.]
Pickle Pampers: Look, SpongeCicle, are you sure we can trust this guy? He's a crook! 
SpongeCicle: Well no but it's our only shot. And if I've learned anything from Lin-Manuel Miranda, it's that Martha Washington named her feral tomcat after Alexander Hamilton. You're just trying to put off turning back to normal as long as possible so you can miss the summit. 
Pickle Pampers: Ugh, I hate how well you know me. 
SpongeCicle: And I love it.
Pickle Pampers: So… how are we going to find some of my body hair then? In case you haven't noticed I'm a pickle!
[The two enter Pampers' private bathroom, and walk towards the bathtub which is full of hair.]
Pickle Pampers: Oh, right.
SpongeCicle: I'm a popsicle so I'm the last person to ask, but you really should shave more often.
Pickle Pampers: I know…
[Cut to the two approaching Plankles' restaurant.]
SpongeCicle: Well, here we are. In a few minutes from now you'll be back to normal!
Pickle Pampers: (sarcastically) Whoopee.
[Plankles comes out from the restaurant.]
Plankles: Ah! Here they are! I just knew you wouldn't ditch me!
Pickle Pampers: Believe me, I tried.
Plankles: Well uh… what are we waiting for? Come in, come in!
[The three enter.]
SpongeCicle: So… this your lab?
Plankles: No, this is my restaurant. As you can see, no one ever eats here because the food is terrible.
SpongeCicle: Oh, come on! It can't be that bad!
Plankles: This place is literally called The Cum Bucket.
[Laugh track.]
Pickle Pampers: Yum.
Plankles: Or the Weed Bucket.
[Laugh track.]
Plankles: My character page says the latter but the original Pampers series says the former so I genuinely don't know anymore.
[The three enter the "Staff Only" area and approach a wall fitted with two levers.]
Plankles: My lab is down here. Pull the lever, SpongeCicle!
[SpongeCicle pulls the left lever and Plankles falls through the floor.]
Plankles: WRONG LEVER!!!!!!!!!!
[Plankles walks back into the "Staff Only" area soaking wet.]
Plankles: Ugh.
SpongeCicle: Talk about a cheap reference.
[Plankles pulls the right lever and the wall flips over, landing the three in a rollercoaster cart that sends them down to the secret lab.]
Pickle Pampers: Put your arms in the air, SpongeCicle! I don't have arms right now so I can't but it's more fun if you out your arms in the air!
[The rollercoaster track stops and they arrive in the lab.]
Plankles: We're here!
[The three exit the cart and walk across the lab, past various machines and gadgets, etc. They eventually reach a machine at the end which lets you step into it.]
Plankles: This right here, gentleman and gentleman, is the machine that will turn you, Pampers, back to normal.
Pickle Pampers: Pretty weird that he already has it built, right?
Plankles: Yes, yes, very weird. Now hand over the hair!
[Pampers and SpongeCicle look at eachother, and then SpongeCicle passes the hair to Plankles.]
Plankles: Thank you for your patronage!
[Plankles jumps up to a compartment on the side of the machine and inserts the hair.]
Plankles: This machine lets you turn into a genetic clone of whoever's DNA you insert into it. Admittedly I haven't tried it out yet, but it should be able to get you back to normal. 
SpongeCicle: Sweet! You hear that, Pampers?
Plankles: All you have to do is…
[Plankles steps into the machine and slams the door behind him.]
Plankles: …STEP IN!!!!!! (evil laugh)
Pickle Pampers: Plankles, what are you doing?!
Plankles: What does it look like, moron?! You fools just gave me the last piece I needed for my foolproof plan… PAMPERS' DNA! With this machine I can now transform into Pampers!
[Pause.]
SpongeCicle: ...no offense or anything Pampers, but why the fuck would you wanna do that?
Pickle Pampers: None taken, I'm with you on this one.
Plankles: Because… he's the president.
[Pause.]
Pickle Pampers and SpongeCicle: Ohhhhhh….. yeah that makes so much more sense now.
Plankles: See ya'll on the other side!
[Plankles presses a button on the inside and the machine starts firing up.]
Pickle Pampers: You know if I had a nickel for everytime a scientist on this island turned out to be evil I'd have two nickels, which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice.
Plankles: YES! YESSSS!!!!! IT'S WORKING! IT'S WORKING! IT'S-
[A "ding" sound is heard. The machine door opens and Plankles steps out as… a pickle?]
Pickle Plankles: ...working?
[After a brief pause, Pickle Pampers and SpongeCicle burst into spontaneous laughter.]
Pickle Pampers: He turned himself into a pickle!
SpongeCicle: Oh, that's the funniest shit I've ever seen!
Pickle Plankles: I don't get it! That was supposed to turn me into Pampers!!!!!
SpongeCicle: Oh, you thought I actually gave you Pampers' DNA? Sorry sister but that was just a really thin pickle peeling!
Pickle Plankles: AAAAAGH! I CAN'T BELIEVE I WAS TRICKED BY A POPSICLE AND A PICKLE!
[SpongeCicle picks up Plankles and throws him across the room, out of the machine and places Pampers' actual hair into the machine.]
Plankles; I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!!!
SpongeCicle: Come on buddy, let's get you back to normal.
Pickle Pampers: Yeah, I… guess it's probably about time.
[SpongeCicle places Pampers inside the machine, presses the button and shuts the door.]
Pickle Pampers: You know… it was kinda fun being a pickle.
SpongeCicle: I'm… sure it was.
Pickle Pampers: We should probably also… you know, do something about Plankles.
SpongeCicle: (looks back at Plankles who is still a pickle) Nah, he's harmless like that.
Pickle Pampers: SpongeCicle?
SpongeCicle: Yes Pampers?
Pickle Pampers: When I get back to normal in a few seconds can we please skip the summit and just go get ice cream or something?
[Pause.]
SpongeCicle: ...sure, Pampers. Sure.
[The machine fires up and the screen turns to white. Cut to President Petah of Petoria and Unnamed Assistant sitting down alone at a table. Pause.]
President Petah: So… it's perfectly normal to abuse your teenage daughter on a daily basis, right?
[Credits.]
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