Easter and Religion/transcript

The following is a transcript of "Easter and Religion", the episode of comedy web series A Dose of Buckley which aired on March 24, 2013.
Transcript:
I don't get Easter. It's likely because I'm not religious so I try and think about things logically. But there's absolutely no logic to Easter.
Even though I'm not religious, I get Christmas. Some creepy old men brought a baby some weird presents and we converted that into bringing everyone presents. I get Thanksgiving...the pilgrims invited the Natives over for dinner after the harvest and then later slaughtered them and...now we invite our in-laws and extended family over for dinner and wish they were dead. I understand Independence Day and Canada Day...it's the day that our countries became countries although, by the way Canada, you just HAD to tie it around the USA's birthday, huh? You couldn't wait until August or...even have done it sometime in June.
But I don't get Easter. First of all, the day changes every year...and not even by a little bit. Like I get that Thanksgiving is the 4th Thursday in November in the U.S. It happens earlier in Canada because Canada's harvest takes place earlier before our landscape is transformed into a barren, Arctic tundra, unfit for growing anything. But Easter fucking changes months sometimes! It commemorates the day they nailed old J.C. up to the cross, then three days later, someone checked the cave they tossed him in and he wasn't there anymore. So clearly, he was resurrected by God...that's the only explanation.
And, fine...believe this if you must. But does no one have any fucking idea of when this happened? They have a date for when he was born, and even if they don't, they were able to just decide on one and say, "Close enough." With Easter, they can't even narrow it down to within a week or so. It happens in Western countries sometime between March 22 and April 25th, and in Eastern countries sometime between April 4th and May 8th. Everyone's pretty specific on "what" happened, but the "when" is a little hazy apparently.
This has always been my issue with religion, you're supposed to "go along with it all". No other man in the history of the world has ever been able to walk on water, or turn water into wine, or cure lepers by touching them. No one else has ever been the result of a virgin birth in the 2,000 years that modern humans have existed according to the Smithsonian. But one guy was about 2,000 years ago and we're supposed to believe it just 'cause it's in a book. Do you know what else is in a book? A car became sentient and started running people over. That doesn't make it fucking true! Maybe it'd be a little more believable if shit that never happened before and has never happened again wasn't in there.
If Jesus was just depicted as a good guy (maybe born from a rape because I imagined that kind of thing happened a lot back then), and he walked around helping people out like "The Littlest Hobo", and some pricks oft him because they were jealous that people liked him more than the government at the time, and they got rid of all the magic tricks, I could believe that story. That'd be something I could get behind. But between that and stories about some guy parting a fucking sea, or a snake yipping off telling people (the first two people on Earth, apparently, so we're all fucking incest babies) that it was okay to eat some fruit that God said not to eat, those things make it bullshit. A snake never fucking spoke! It never happened! Snakes didn't fucking devolve over time and lose their ability to speak.
A person once told me, "Well, just because some of the stories aren't true doesn't mean the whole book isn't true." No, that's exactly what it means...it ruins its credibility. If someone lies to me, they're a fucking liar, and I won't believe anything else they have to say. If I read a book about nutrition that says, "You should drink 8 glasses of pop a day and eat as much bacon as possible", I don't really give a shit what the rest of that book has to say. It has lost any credibility with me.
Anyway, so fine...Jesus, the son of God, was killed on Good Friday (which always makes me laugh...doesn't seem like it was that good for him), and no longer is on Monday, which is really weird that people are going to check already. He just died...leave him alone.
What the fuck does that have to do with eating ham and hiding chocolate eggs in your house? Since Jesus is considered "King of the Jews", I don't think he's going to be too big a fan of the "ham" aspect. And as for the "egg" thing, I think I need to back up here because, for some reason, the mascot for modern-day Easter as you know is the Easter Bunny, a large by-pedal rabbit who delivers chocolate eggs to children. What the serious fuck?
I get Santa...someone could make the argument that they just mashed all three wise men together and had him delivering presents to everyone instead of just one baby, the reindeer subbing in for camels. But what in the hell does a big rabbit have to do with Jesus getting spiked through some wood planks and left for dead? Unless Jesus was the original Donnie Darko, this makes no sense.
And why eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs! They're fucking mammals...literally! They're mammals who fuck...a lot, apparently! Did some idiot once come across a pile of rabbit shit, eat some and say, "Uggh! These rabbit eggs taste terrible! Maybe we can improve on this somehow by making them out of chocolate"?
I get that a man with a spiky hat and some holes on his hands and feet isn't too kid-friendly, but someone should have been able to come up with something better.
Either way...Easter, get your shit together! Decide on a goddamn date that your made-up story happened, get a better mascot, and ditch the "egg" thing that doesn't make any sense on any fucking level.