Bocce Brawl

The twelfth chapter of Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, posted on January 1, 2014. With Puck gone and Gary in the game, it's a new dawn for the final 11. Mr. Chapman guest hosts a bocce challenge when Roz is stuck in traffic.
==Story==
“Last time on Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” begins Roz. “There were a lot of things that happened. Will I be able to remember them all in this recap? Let’s see… The contestants got some food for me at Mickey D’s, Gary and Casey appeared and the former actually got to debut on the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits’ side, and Puck annoyed Wolfgang. Obviously that’s not out of the ordinary, but Wolfie was PISSED this time. Like, he was super super angry. And then, that night, he formed a possible relationship with Helga after a deep convo about love and that mushy stuff! Nobody on the Ralphcakes knows, though. Puck was voted out, which sucks, because I kinda grew to like the guy, even if he was a 8-year-old in a 17-year-old’s body. Who will win? Who will fall? How will Gary adapt to his new team? WILL he adapt to his new team? Find out today!”
The Ralphcakes are shown quietly walking from the beach back to the cabins.
Wolfgang looks at Helga. “Keep stuff under wraps, k?” he says, and Helga nods in agreement.
Trey glances over at the two suspiciously.
He then is shown in the confessional. “Wolfgang and Helga? Hmm, what’s going on between them… if they’re developing a relationship, that’s bad, because couples are really dangerous in this game… I need to exterminate them… Then again, they’re both unlikable, and would probably lose against anybody. Even, like, Julia.”
“Guys, I’m feeling sentimental already,” sniffs Arthur. “First Kav, now Cornelius? Why must you torture me so? Puck was nice, even if his farts smelled like candy canes.”
“Shut up. I hated him,” Julia snarls.
“Who do you not hate, Julia?” frowns Flora. “I’m just asking, like… don’t you wanna be happy?”
“Being happy is for frolicking rainbow unicorns and stuff. I’m not a frolicking rainbow unicorn, the only thing that makes me happy is 1E’s existence. Everything else can go su--” Julia begins.
“Ugh, that Casey girl really gives me headaches,” says Chelsey, lying down on the ground. “And… Wait, oh my god, I think my phone might be working again.” She opens her phone, and it works. “HA! In your FACE, Art.”
“It won’t be working for long… Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh. Huh,” laughs Arthur obnoxiously. Chelsey gets up for a second to go to the confessional, and Arthur immediately grabs her phone, searches “riley ghetsis twerking” then puts the phone down.
"UGH!" yells Chelsey, glancing back at Arthur. "Delete it, fat!" 
Chelsey says in the confessional, “Okay, so I have a gut feeling that the merge is coming, but the problem is… mostly everyone on the other team is an annoying jerk. There’s Nic, who’s really just creepy, and Estrella hates everyone, I don’t even know Gary at all and don’t really want to, Layla is mean, and Veronica is a wannabe. Ugh, they all suck. Better work on strengthening my bonds with people like Trey and Wolfgang, then. If I get a couple of cronies I’ll be fine.”
Wolfgang is then shown stretching out on the ground. “Wait. I can’t believe this. It hasn’t even fully wrapped around my brain yet, but… PUCK IS OUT!”
“I hate to break it to ya, buddy, but he is not out. He has simply rubbed some ‘Invisible Cream’ about his body,” Arthur says matter-of-factly.
“That’s not funny at all, you turd,” Wolfgang growls. “Even Puck's funnier than that.”
Wolfgang is shown in the confessional. “Puck is out. I repeat, that pea-brain is finally out of the game. FOR GOOD! At least… uh, I assume, since Gary just returned and I doubt Roz would spring another returnee on us. But I finally get some down time… just me and Helga!” He squeals delightedly. “Yeah, I have to work on not doing that.”
“Hey, Helga, you seem kinda happy right now,” says Flora, looking at Helga, who's reading the "Funnies" section of the Sunday paper.
“Oh. Yeah, uh…” says Helga, as her expression turns back to that default scowl of hers. “Go away. Don’t you have something better to do, like annoy others with your offensive blandness?”
“Oh, sorry!” Flora says, visibly upset. “I don’t like making people sad…”
“I’m not sad. This is my default expression. Get over it,” says Helga.
Flora says in the confessional, “Usually Helga’s just snarky. But today she’s not only snarky, but also really defensive… Did I do something to offend her? I hope not, I don’t like offending people!”
It then becomes morning. The camera moves to the house, also known as the Swagged Out Citrus Fruits’ domain. Layla is in the bathroom, putting what looks like extremely expensive nail polish on her nails.
“I’m gon’ be manicured, you wanna be manicured, ma-ma-ma-manicure, she wanna be… MANiCURED!” sings Layla as she does her nails.
Gary then opens the door, and shrieks. “Eek! Uh, sorry, I didn’t know someone was in here.”
“Ew, get out of here, you geek!” Layla says angrily. “Can’t you see I’m busy? Or… you could go get me a pumpkin spice latte, that works too.”
“Uh, couldn’t you get one yourself?” says Gary.
“Um, not true,” Layla scoffs. “I gave most of it to Charles. And he’s gone now. With NOBODY TO REPLACE HIM.”
“He couldn’t have taken all of it, could he? I’m sure you have at least… over nine thousand?” Gary grins extremely widely.
Gary says in the confessional, “YES!” He jumps for joy. “Finally got to say it! Man, it really isn’t the same when you just do it at home and you know you’re not being watched by millions of people. But Layla’s really snobby, I was analyzing her last season and I thought her edit was just a facade by the editors to play up her meanness, but nope… it’s all completely true.”
Gary walks downstairs and sees Nic, who’s on the couch staring at his phone. “Mmm… Almost there…” Latin music emanates from Nic’s phone. “SQUEEE!” he yells. “Okay, time to rewind… Oh, how exciting this is!” He presses a button and watches the same clip again.
“Uh, hey Nic! Whatcha doin’?” says Gary.
“Oh, greetings, Garrison,” Nic says. “I’m just watching the clip of Al coming out of the robot. Over and over. Cool, huh? This is like my fifty-third time today. It just never gets old.”
“Lawl. Glad to see you haven’t changed…” says Gary. “How’s Abby, BTW?”
“Oh, she is doing pretty well,” winks Nic. “I did some bodybuilding pre-show and she is looking muscular. It’s a delight.”
Estrella walks into the room right as Nic says “she is looking muscular," glances at Nic’s phone screen, then walks out.
Estrella says in the confessional, “Nope. Didn’t even want to attempt to socialize with them.”
She walks over to the kitchen and pours a cup of tea, puts some cinnamon in it, and then starts to drink it. “Hey!” says Veronica out of nowhere.
“Ptoo!” Estrella spits out her hot tea on Veronica’s face. “Ugh, you freaking scared me. And I really don’t get scared often. What do you want, even?”
“I don’t know, we haven’t talked much so maybe we could get to know each other?” says Veronica, attempting to be nice.
“Nope,” Estrella says, she then walks away.
Veronica says in the confessional, “Estrella’s pretty grumpy… She was nice in Tokyo though, right? I didn’t really follow the season, but I remember there being a really cute girl who I was rooting for. Ari, I think? She always reminded me of me, but people never called HER boring.”
A voice, presumably Chef Hatchet’s, is then heard yelling from outside. “Challenge time, suckaaahs! Bring yo’ A-game!”
Nic says in the confessional, “I have just finished watching episode two of Total Drama All-Stars. Yeah, I burn through those things pretty quickly. But Al is being as sexy as always, man. I love his hand-walking. So, of course, I am going to replicate it. Single men out there, watch and learn.” He winks.
“Vamonos!” Nic says. He jumps forward and tries to land on his hands, then successfully does so and makes a clicking noise with his tongue. Shortly after, he faceplants on the ground and gets up, but has a black eye. “Mierda!”
The Swagged Out Citrus Fruits, with Nic trailing behind, walk outside and meet the Hopalong Ralphcakes, as well as Chef, and… Mr. Chapman?
“Ew, Chappy, I thought you died in Tokyo,” Layla says rudely.
“Greetings, contestants,” says Mr. Chapman, ignoring Layla. “Roz is currently preoccupied doing other things, and I have some leisure time, so I figured I would be a good samaritan and help out Roz -- she is, after all, the unofficial leader of my Whale Club. Other than myself, of course.”
“Where is she? Did you leave her at an ice cream store again?” scoffs Helga.
Mr. Chapman chuckles. “Already some of you are starting to make interesting impressions on me. Now if you could stop using your devices--” He looks at Layla, Julia, and Chelsey, who are all texting. “I can start explaining your challenge.”
“Shut up, you wrinkly old coot,” Julia says, and resumes texting.
“Okay, seriously, where’s Roz?” Veronica says. “I’m getting kinda worried…”
The scene suddenly flashes to a small car that looks to be stuck in a traffic jam. Roz and Red are riding it, Roz driving and Red riding shotgun.
“This is really, really irritating. How long have we even been in this jam?” Red says.
“Uh, maybe like twenty minutes,” estimates Roz.
“Roz. It’s 4:20 PM. We got in the car at 3:10… AM,” Red says angrily. “All because you conveniently wanted to go to Booger Fling.”
“Hey, their burgers are a lot better than the ones at Mickey D’s! Their food disappointed me yesterday,” Roz says.
“But their fries taste like baby wipes, and fries are an essential part of every fast food meal,” complains Red.
Roz looks out the window, and it has started to snow. “Oh, great. Just GREAT. I sure hope Chappy followed my instructions.”
The contestants are shown with Mr. Chapman again. “So, if it were up to me, I would make you all go on a hunt for undiscovered insect species. But, alas, it is not, so we’re…” he sighs deeply, “...doing what Roz left in her plans. Goody. Let's see here, she said... Teams will compete in a game of bocce ball.”
“Can we not?” snarls Wolfgang. “I’m really tired. Let me catch up on my sleep.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s the plans. Would you rather go find undiscovered insects? I didn’t think so. Anyway, here’s how it works. One player from one of the teams will throw a small silver ball towards the other side of the beach. Then, players will take turns throwing larger balls, attempting to get the closest to the ball. The team with the closest ball to the original ball wins,” Mr. Chapman explains. He glances at the contestants, and most are asleep.
“I am sorry, Chapman. Personally, I find your explanations very, very interesting,” says Arthur rudely.
“Well, if nobody has any questions, we can begin the challenge!” says Mr. Chapman. “We will be playing to three, or until Roz gets back, whichever one comes first. Since only four members from each team need to play at once, three from the Ralphcakes and one from the Citrus Fruits will sit out.”
Helga shows everyone her book, then begins to walk to the sitting-out area.
“Uh, nice try, gurl,” Chelsey says. “You literally never do anything. Would it hurt you to compete ONCE?”
“Yes,” says Helga bluntly.
“I’m sitting out,” Wolfgang says. “And catching up on my sleep that I SAID I’d catch up on.”
Wolfgang says in the confessional, “You know, I mostly wanted to stare at Helga. It’s not every day that I get a freaking girlfriend… actually, I’ve never had one. Remember that time where I smashed a bowl of spaghetti in that random chick’s face? Well, she spread a rumor that I sent her naughty pictures so she could get back at me or something, that sick freak. So, I’m basically a social pariah at my school. Thankfully, Helga doesn’t GO to my school! And she’s really cool, and pretty, and stuff. Not as pretty as Chelsey, maybe, but I’m willing to bet Helga has more brain cells.”
“Ugh, I’m sitting out too…” says Trey. “I feel a bit subpar today…”
“You ALWAYS feel subpar, turd,” Julia growls. “You look subpar too. Your face is, like, a perfect rectangle. And put some freaking pants on, nobody wants to see you flop around.”
“I’m going to sit out as well. Last time I threw a ball, I ‘accidentally’ hit my gym teacher in the face. He just walked away with some minor injuries, like a concussion or broken nose or something. No biggie. He was an old sot, anyway,” says Arthur.
“So, looks like it’s just us four girls throwing. Wow, great. You men are so helpful,” Chelsey says. “Negative twenty PP - that can mean popularity points OR participation points, it’s a special occasion - for today.”
“And I’m sitting out for the Fruits,” says Layla. “Is it even a question? I need a beauty nap.”
“...Don’t you need to be beautiful to take a beauty nap?” says Veronica innocently.
“SHUT UP!” Layla says. “I’m expecting an in-depth foot massage when we get back to the cab-- oh, wait, you’re not my Charles anymore. Rats.”
“All right, the challenge will now commence,” says Mr. Chapman. “And for every time someone interrupts me, I will read a passage from my favorite nonfiction work, A History of Oceanography. Ralphcakes, you will throw the ball first.”
Flora throws the small silver ball and it lands a decent distance away from the contestants. “Was that good?” says Flora worriedly.
“No, not really…” says Trey under his breath, from the out-sitting zone.
“Shut up, Mattzenjammer. I thought you liked Flora,” says Arthur.
“All right, the Citrus Fruits will now throw their first ball,” says Mr. Chapman. Estrella “throws” one of their balls, and it lands about three inches away from the other ball.
“Whoo! Go Estrella! You’re doin’ great!” says Gary enthusiastically.
Gary says in the confessional, “Despite her cantankerous exterior, Estrella’s actually really good at challenges! Her challenge power level is over nine--” Before he can finish, the tape turns to static.
Helga, representing the Ralphcakes, throws the next ball and it barely even goes one foot away from her.
“GOSH, Helga! Get it together!” says Arthur in a very obnoxious voice. “Hey Wolfie, why aren’t you yelling with me? Seems like you would get pissed about Helga being flabby and useless.” Wolfgang looks into the distance.
“Um, sorry? As you know, I suck at anything athletic,” Helga says.
Helga is shown in the confessional, “As gruff as Wolfgang is, at least he didn’t act obnoxious like Arthur did. Then again, Arthur is obnoxious about literally EVERYTHING. He never shuts up or goes away. Probably one of the two or three most enraging people I’ve ever come across in my life.”
“That’s not athletic. At all. You literally have to MOVE YOUR HAND,” Chelsey rages. “And that’s it.”
“Now, now, settle down, contestants…” says Mr. Chapman. “As you know, people have strengths in different areas. Even I do not know how to do long division… I’ve always been a science-oriented lad myself. Citrus Fruits, you get to throw your remaining three balls in a row due to your ball being closer.”
Gary picks up a ball. “All right, so if I calculate the speed the ball is going, and add the mass of the other ball, then I just gotta…”
“Muchacho. Math is a waste of time. Let me show you how real men do it,” Nic boasts, and throws a ball at the small silver ball. It hits the silver ball and moves it away from Estrella’s original one.
“Way to go,” says Estrella sarcastically.
“‘Ey, keep hope alive!” says Nic. “My bufftastical arm strength was so good that it actually moved the ball.”
Once Gary has finished his calculations, he throws his ball. Sure enough, it also goes right next to the original ball. “See, math ISN’T a waste of time!” whoops Gary.
“All right, guys, gonna do mine…” Veronica says nervously. She throws, and it goes decently far, but not next to the ball. “Aww!”
“You SUCK!” yells Layla from the stands.
“Don’t get violent, everyone,” says Mr. Chapman, trying to ease the arguing. “Ralphcakes, your turn. Throw your three other balls.”
“Balls?!” says Arthur, and he puts the red underwear on his head, but Wolfgang quickly yanks it off. “Aw, darn it. I was looking forward to Puber. And I don’t have Puck anymore to make me feel better because one person actually finds it funny. Thanks a lot, Wolfie.”
“Ugh, it wasn’t entirely my decision. Leave me alone,” grunts Wolfgang. “Why don’t you talk to Trey here. I’m sure he has a lot to talk about.” He then falls asleep.
“...” says Trey, and he looks away, trying to avoid the conversation.
Trey says in the confessional, “I thought getting rid of Puck was a good move… But, it turns out, Wolfgang is pretty obnoxious as well. He also seems to be tight with Chelsey, and as much of a horrible person Chelsey is, she trusts me because of that me-being-gay tall tale. So Wolfie’s gotta go. Either him or Helga, actually, either works. The other will be really sad and stuff. Hahahaha!”
“This dumb ball better move,” says Julia. She kicks it, and it moves… slightly.
“Uh, I don’t think you’re supposed to kick it…” says Flora, trying to help.
“SHUT UP!” yells Julia. “I do whatever I want. It’s a free country.”
“Ralphcakes doing a pretty abysmal job at this challenge…” narrates Mr. Chapman. “Will they be able to bounce back?”
Chelsey steps up to the line. “Well, duh. Just because of my ~star power~. Let’s do this,” she says. She throws the ball, and it lands 0.0001 inches away from the closest ball to the original.
“One more ball. Will Flora be able to win a point for her team? Or will her performance be mediocre, just like her personality?” says Mr. Chapman. “I do apologize, that was rude.”
Flora throws her ball. Her performance is… mediocre, meaning the Citrus Fruits take the first round’s point.
“Yay!” Veronica says, and she hugs Nic, who blushes.
Nic says in the confessional, “She wants me. I can confirm it. If she did not, she would hug other dudes, and not just me! I mean, I do not blame her. Who can resist this, seriously? She’s a perfect woman for me, though. Despite Alejandro being my idol, I wouldn’t like to date a Heather. They’re a bit too, er, abrasive for me.”
“All right, round two is now beginning. Arthur, Trey, and Wolfgang, you three will be competing now, taking the places of… Hmm. Julia, Helga, and Chelsey, let’s say,” says Mr. Chapman. “And Layla, you have to switch as well.”
“UGHHHHHHHHHHHH,” bellows Layla.
“I’ll trade with her,” Estrella says. She walks over to the bench, collapses onto the ground face-first, and doesn’t make a sound.
Mr. Chapman comes back with the silver ball, and hands it to Veronica. “Throw it,” he commands.
“Okay!” says Veronica cheerfully. She throws it, and it lands at a much closer distance than the previous round.
“Excellent,” snarls Wolfgang, grinning wide. “I’ll go first.” He tosses the ball onto the ground extremely violently, and it rolls towards the small ball.
Nic throws the next ball, and it goes much past the small ball and not near the target. “Aw, my powers have failed me. Don’t worry, that was just a minor mishap…”
Time goes by, and it’s down to the final ball, thrown by the Ralphcakes, specifically Trey.
“Ready…” he mutters. “Go.” He throws the ball, and it hits not only the small silver ball, but also knocks away all the surrounding balls making his ball the closest.
“Trey scores a point for the Ralphcakes, it is now tied 1-1,” says Mr. Chapman. “Now, I know this challenge is getting very, very tedious. So, I’d like to abort the tiebreaker round and instead do something way more interesting. I have been training with the Whale Club for the National Ocean Sciences Bowl, and have brought with me some practice questions… Would you like to answer them to see who will win?”
“No,” says everyone simultaneously.
“All right, we will do that then!” says Mr. Chapman. “First team to three wins.”
Layla says in the confessional, “I thought Gary being nerdy was a bad thing. I mean, he’s really ugly and won’t leave me alone, especially when I’m doing IMPORTANT stuff like counting my number of hundred buck bills and giving myself manicures. But his nerdiness might help us win this dumb science quiz…”
"What does the term sigma-t define?" says Mr. Chapman, kicking off the first challenge. “W: the specific gravity of sea water, X: the density anomaly of sea water, Y: the density of sea water, or Z: the statistical variation in the density of sea water.”
“X!” blurts out Nic. “I dunno, just guessing.”
“That is correct,” says Mr. Chapman. “One point to the Citrus Fruits. Next question. Lophelia coral reefs in the North Atlantic are being primarily damaged by… W: rising temperature, X: trawling, Y: cyanide poisoning, or Z: pfiesteria.”
“Z, because it’s a big word and sounds science-y,” says Julia.
“Wrong!” says Mr. Chapman. “Citrus Fruits?”
“X!” says Gary.
“Ding ding ding!” says Mr. Chapman.
“ziNGG!” says Arthur. Many stare at him.
“All right, if the Citrus Fruits get this one right they will run away with the win!” says Mr. Chapman “High tidal range coastlines do NOT feature… W: large tidal flats, X: broad marshes, Y: amphidromic points, or Z: strong currents.”
“Y, because it’s a big word and sounds science-y,” says Layla, while Julia glares at her.
“Correct!” says Mr. Chapman. “The Citrus Fruits win today’s challenge!”
Julia, fuming with rage, yells, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?! There’s no way that wasn’t rigged!”
“Go back to your cabins,” says Mr. Chapman. “Oh, wait, only one of the teams has a cabin. Oops. In the meantime, I am going to call Roz and see what she is up to.” He takes out an old-fashioned telephone that was somehow in his pocket, while the contestants walk away, and dials Roz.
“Hello?” says Roz in a grumpy tone, sitting with Red in their car in the exact same spot -- except now, it’s blizzarding.
“Oh, hello, Roz,” says Mr. Chapman. “I was checking to see if you were going to be home any time soon. This hosting gig is making me weary.”
“CHAPPY!” squeals Roz. “I’m so glad you made it, dudette. But this is bad news. We’ve been stuck in this blizzard for, like, a day. Red had to pee in a Diet Fizz bottle. So, it might be a while…”
“All right… Uh, that is okay, I guess… Maybe I could call Zari and let her host as well. She seems as if she could be up for it… maybe. Have safe travels, Roz,” says Mr. Chapman, and he hangs up.
“That man makes my tummy feel all warm and fuzzy,” says Roz. Red nods in agreement.
The Hopalong Ralphcakes walk back to camp with the Citrus Fruits who are already in their cabin, where it’s beginning to snow.
Chelsey knocks on the door of the cabin. “Uh, Citrus Fruits? Can we use your cabin for tonight? We REALLY don’t want to sleep on the cold, snowy ground…” she says, trying her best to look cute.
“Of course!” says Gary. “C’mon in.” He opens the door and the team files in one-by-one.
“So, Wolfgang,” says Trey. “Did you do anything out-of-the-ordinary last night?”
Wolfgang looks at Trey cautiously. “...What the hell are you talking about?”
“Oh, no, I’m just saying…” says Trey. “I was kinda curious… If you’re gonna be hostile about it, I’ll just walk away…”
Helga is shown, reading Doctor What: Behind The Scenes Of The Award-Winning Series in an armchair.
Julia walks up to her. “Chick. Bad news. It’s one of us tonight.”
“...No, it’s not,” says Helga, looking around. “We’re going to make sure it’s not. I will not get out early again, seriously.”
“Something up with you, sister? You seem a bit more… cautious than usual,” says Julia. “You feel okay?”
“Why are you being so sympathetic?” scoffs Helga. “I’m fine. Seriously.”
Helga says in the confessional, “Julia has been snide to me for… basically forever. I’ve been snide to her back. It’s a mutual snideness. But, like, why is she acting caring? Maybe this whole relationship-with-Wolfgang thing wasn’t the greatest idea… It’s not even a relationship, though! We just had a bonding session on the beach and then… kissed. Damn it.”
“Hi, guys! What are you talking about?” says Flora cheerfully, walking up to the two.
“Turtle sex,” says Helga extremely bluntly. Flora utters a shriek, then scoots away. “So, as we were saying…” continues Helga.
As night falls, the Ralphcakes head to the elimination ceremony, with Mr. Chapman.
“Hello, everyone,” says Mr. Chapman. “Let’s make this quick. I am tired. Seashells go to Chelsey, Julia, Trey, Flora, and Wolfgang.” He throws one to each one of them.
“Oh, that is surprising,” says Arthur, in the bottom two. “NOT.”
“Arthur. Helga. Final seashell goes to…”
“Arthur.” Arthur grabs his seashell and whoops for joy.
“Okay, seriously, guys?” says Helga. “What did I even DO? Well actually, I’ll just come out and say it, I guess. Last night, some stuff happened with me and Wolfgang.” Everyone sits there, confused. “THAT kind of stuff.” Everyone nods in agreement. “Now, screw you guys. I don’t really need money, as long as I have my books I’m good.”
“Bye, Helga,” says Wolfgang sadly. “Ugh.”
“Win it for me, buddy,” says Helga. “I know you can do it. As for everyone else… I hate you all. Have fun living with that guy,” she points to Arthur, “for the rest of the game. I’ll miss insulting you guys.”
“And I will miss seeing you jiggle,” says Arthur.
Helga throws her Doctor What book at Arthur’s face, and boards the Boat of Losers. “Bye,” she says flatly.
“All right, so, someone was just eliminated. I myself am somewhat shocked, what will happen next time? Tune in for the next episode of Total Drama: Superstar Showdown!” Mr. Chapman says.
“That ain’t how you do an outro,” says Chef, barging in and pushing Mr. Chapman to the side. “TUNE IN NEXT TAAAAHM! ON TOTAL… DRAMA… I DON’T CARE ‘BOUT HALF THESE LOSERS SHOWDOWN!”