Dirt Mound Valley

The thirteenth episode of the second season. Enjoy!
==Script==
*(US is sitting in her office.)
*Dep. Mayor: Miss US, the mayor from Dirt Mound Valley asked for a meeting with you.
*US: What did you say?
*Dep. Mayor: Uh, the mayor from Dirt Mound Valley has asked........
*US: What do you mean, mayor?
*Dep. Mayor: The mayor of our neighboring town, Dirt Mound Valley.
*US: But I'm mayor!
*Dep. Mayor: Yes, here, not there.
*US: There's more than one one mayor?! Raclk, NY! Find this impostor and get rid of him. I'm the only mayor!
*NH: Finally an order I enjoy.
*Dep. Mayor: I think what she means is me and her going there, right, Miss US?
*US: Nope, I meant what I said. And you're not coming. Nobody cares about deputy mayors.
*Dep. Mayor: You're so hurtful!
*(Dep. Mayor runs away crying.)
*US: Honesty is the best policy. Anyway, do as I say, you two!
*NH: As long as blood's involved.
*Rack: Will you come, US?
*US: Soon. Gotta wait for my butt to tell me when.
*Rack: Uh, alright.
*US: Just keep stalling him until I get there.
*Rack: Alright. Let's go, NH.
*NH: Aw, and to think I got my head cutter ready.
*(Rack and NH leave.)
*US: Hm, what should I do in the meantime? Oh, I know! *gets sock phone* Riiiiiig!
*(Rig answers by getting a phone out of a pie.)
*(It shows a split screen showing the two.)
*Rig: USles!
*US: Riiiiig, wanna hang out and goof off?
*Rig: Sure! I'll bake a pie just for it!
*US: What kind?
*Rig: You'll see. It'll be Ms. Mayo approved! *winks*
*(Rig hangs up.)
*US: I'm so excited for what pie it will be! Better have purple on it.
*(Cut to Rack and NH.)
*NH: So what are we doing again?
*Rack: Distracting the mayor until US comes.
*NH: I better see some blood.
*(Rack and NH walk in the meeting circle; The Dirt Mound Valley mayor is in the middle while the others are in a circle.)
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Hello there. You must be the mayor and the deputy mayor. You sure don't look like I thought you would.
*Rack: Well, actually, she's-.
*(NH covers Rack's mouth; Rack mumbles unintelligible words.)
*NH: That is right. I, Mayor NH, am the mayor and this is my assistant.
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Mayor NH, do you realize you're naked?
*NH: Your point is?
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: I figured you would wear formal clothing at a serious meeting.
*NH: I did. I brought the birthday suit. Very comfortable.
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: ............Never mind, anyway, I would like to discuss the issues at hand.
*(Rack bites NH's finger.)
*Rack: ...... (panting): He's lying! You're looking for US!
*NH: Oh, great, now I will smell of cheese.
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: I figured. Why are you two here then?
*Rack: We're here to....... uh....... be entertainment until she comes!
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Ooh, most mayors don't bring entertainment. Maybe this US is a good mayor!
*NH: Dead, rotting squirrels would do a better job than her.
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Now, what shall you begin with?
*NH: Hm....... Russian Roulette!
*Rack: Puppet show!
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Puppet show, puppet show!
*NH: Have I told you I hate you?
*Rack: Yes, but according to my pet psychology book *reads book upside down* You're only saying that to release negative emotions and hide ones you're afraid or embarrassed of, so you don't really mean it.
*NH: Stupid humans, they don't know what wolves think........
*Rack: But let's do the puppet show!
*NH: You know I'll kill you after this, right?
*Rack: Sure, we'll get some squirrels on the way home.
*(Rack and NH grab a wolf puppet and a human puppet; they get the one that are their opposite species.)
*NH: Wait, wouldn't it make more sense if I was the wolf?
*Rack: In my pet psychology book, *reads it upside down again* you should pretend to act like the other to see what it's like.
*NH: Give me that.
*(Rack gives him the book, and NH eats it.)
*NH: Ew, how old is this book?
*Rack: I think from the 1700's. That explains why it says living to your 40's was considered old.
*NH: Eugh.. let's just do the stupid show. (high voice, using human puppet): Hi! I'm a human who smells like cheese and is annoying and is nerdy and never stops pestering his pet and always makes him wear clothes all the time!
*(NH uses the puppet to hit Rack.)
*NH: (chuckling): Accurate representation, right?
*Rack: Not funny. Now let me show you an accurate representation. (high voice, using wolf puppet): Hi! I'm a wolf who never takes a bath and never takes care of himself and is never nice to me and never stops leaving his fur on the darn couch!
*(Rack beats NH with the puppet.)
*NH: Ooh, that's it. You're dead. For real, too.
*(The two battle each other with their puppets.)
*(The Dirt Mound Valley mayor and his people are laughing hard.)
*(Cut to US. Rig rang her doorbell; US sees her.)
*US: What's the password?
*Rig: No girls allowed?
*US: Eh, close enough.
*(US lets her in.)
*Rig: Why is that the password?
*US: Because there's no girls allowed in here. Really didn't think that through........ 2,000 dollars down the drain.
*Rig: Oh. Well, whatdya wanna do first?
*US: How about that pie?
*Rig: Okie dokie! I hope you like it! It just came out of the oven.
*US: Oh, sweet, mud pie!
*Rig: Close, but it's manure.
*US: Oh, so cow pie! Sweeter!
*Rig: Closer, but it's not from a cow. I made it myself not too long ago. *winks and then smiles largely*
*US: (took a bite of the pie, has a disgusted expression after getting the hint): Uh, well I lost my appetite. Let's do something else.
*Rig: Yay, she's not hungry anymore!
*(A montage begins to play of Rack and NH entertaining the mayor of Dirt Mound Valley and his people and US and Rig goofing off.)
*(Cut to Rack and NH still entertaining.)
*NH: (panting): What is taking her so long?
*Rack: (panting): I have no idea.
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Come on, what's next?! I want more laughs!
*(Rack thinks, and evilly smiles; he puts a clown suit on NH and himself; NH has a shocked expression.)
*Rack: Yeah, that's right, I can hold grudges too!
*NH: If only there was one episode I didn't need to wear clothes in.........
*(Rack throws a pie in NH's face.)
*NH: Ooh, human, you're asking for it!
*(NH throws a pie, but Rack ducks and the pie hits NH again.)
*(Rack gets a dump truck of pies to fall on NH, and they do.)
*(The Dirt Mound Valley mayor and his people are laughing hard.)
*NH: You know, I would retaliate by biting my clothes off and throwing pies back at him, but there's no point. I hate my life.
*Rack: Aw, what's the matter? Can't take a joke?
*NH: I wanna kill you so hard right now.
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: These, these guys are the best thing since Arnaz and Ball, Sonny and Cher, Burns and Allen, and Martin and Lewis!
*(Crickets are heard chirping.)
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: It's called the Internet, kids, try bothering to look them up.
*(Rack puts pie in NH's pants.)
*NH: Actually, this feels soothing.......
*Rack: Mm, let's try a different approach.
*(Rack takes his and NH's clown clothes off.)
*NH: Ah, sweet relief.
*(Rack then puts mime suits on NH and himself.)
*NH: Spoke too soon.......
*(Rack holds up a sign saying "Ssh! Mimes can't talk! Now let me put makeup on us.".)
*(Rack then puts mime makeup on himself and NH; Rack then gives NH a mirror, and holds a sign saying, "Do you like it?".)
*(NH responds by pulling out a sign saying "Yes, if we were Kiss".)
*(Rack then makes movements as if he was laughing.)
*(The Dirt Mound Valley mayor and his people, are, once again, laughing hard.)
*(NH then pulls out a sign saying "Idiots.".)
*(Cut to US and Rig; The two are making prank phone calls.)
*US: Riiiiig, what should our joke be?
*Rig: Oh, I know! Manure are-.
*US: Sorry, that's already been used.
*Rig: Aw. Hm........... pretend we're robots?
*US: Nah, too cliche. Oh, I know! Let's joke around saying fruit. Fruit's always funny.
*Rig: Do it!
*(US calls random number; a split screen shows, showing Rig and US on one side and Old Man on the other.)
*US: Hello, sir.
*Old Man: I swear, I thought the "terlet" was supposed to flush down dirty diapers! Please don't take this to court!
*US: ........Right, sir, may I ask you something?
*Old Man: Sure, but I still don't understand this "Caller ID" thing. Are you people examining me? I don't want any strangers knowing about me! And if you need to know, at least let me wear my toupee!
*US: (talking to Rig): Dang, this dude's good.
*Old Man: Are you those bill collectors? You promised me you'd call me tomorrow! Or are you those Life Alert people who keep stalking me?
*US: Uh............
*Old Man: Darn it, you whippersnappers! Back in my day these prank phone calls and bill collectors didn't exist. Back then, people only called you on the phone if they were far away and it was important, and we never paid bills. Back in my lad days, the only light there was candles and the sun. Darn you whippersnappers and taking advantage of things! Do you even know how tough life was when I was your age? Why I......
*(US is clearly getting tired.)
*Old Man: Blah blah blah blah blah blah!
*(US hangs up.)
*Old Man: Finally, some respect! Hello? Helloooooo? I'm cold and damp. I want someone to talk to. Helloooooooooo? Aw.......
*(Cut back to US and Rig.)
*US: That dude's a master.
*Rig: Wanna play piggy back ride?
*US: Sure!
*(Montage plays of Rig on US's back having fun, while showing US on Rig's back, practically crushing her.)
*(Rig blows on her thumb, returning to normal.)
*Rig: Yay! That was fun! Whatdya we do now?!
*US & Rig: Hm........ chicken!
*(The two eat chicken; US bites a piece, with her teeth falling out.)
*US: This is frozen!
*Rig: Yep! Just the way I like it! *Rig bites on her piece; her teeth break, but regenerate quickly*
*(US shrugs, and continues eating it.)
*(Cut back to Rack and NH.)
*(NH holds up a sign saying "So what now?".)
*(Rack holds up a sign saying "This is gonna sting a tiny bit.".)
*(Rack kicks NH in the crotch, and NH goes on the ground in pain..)
*(The Dirt Mound Valley mayor and his people are on the floor, laughing while crying.)
*(NH then holds up a sign, saying "Can't we just end this already?".)
*(Rack then holds up a sign saying "Not quite yet. We still gotta do one more thing.".)
*(NH then responds with his sign, saying "It better be quick".)
*(Cut to back to US and Rig.)
*US: Oh, there's my butt. Looks like I gotta go.
*Rig: Aw, already? I was just starting to have fun....... *pouts sadly*
*US: You can come with me.
*(Rig licks US on her face.)
*Rig: I love you, USles.
*US: Same here, Riiiiiiiiig.
*(The two head to US's purple corvette.)
*US: Let's do this.
*(US and Rig put on sunglasses.)
*US & Rig: ...........Like bosses!
*(US drives to the meeting.)
*(Cut back to Rack and NH.)
*(The two are pretending they're in boxes.)
*(NH holds up a sign, saying, "Why did you pick something so cliche?".)
*(Rack responds with "Because that's the only thing mimes do.".)
*(Cut to a mime watching the show, literally heart broken about the joke, and falls down.)
*(Cut back to the meeting; US and Rig arrive.)
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Ah, you must be US! And is this your deputy mayor?
*US: Uh...... sure.
*Rig: Yay! I'm deputy mayo!
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: I must say you have the best entertainment I have ever seen! I've never laughed so hard in my life! Spectacular job at selecting them!
*US: Yeah, Raclk and NY are hilarious together. They should be a comedy team.
*(Rack holds up a sign saying "We should!".)
*(NH responds with "The act's over, dimwit! Wait, why I am doing this too?".)
*(Rack takes their mime clothes off and wipes away the makeup.)
*NH: Ah............ finally......
*(NH falls down.)
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Well, just wanted to say top notch acting!
*NH: Wait, what about the meeting?
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Oh we can schedule that next month. Remember you two, think up some hilarious material 'cause you're coming back!
*Rack: Yay!
*NH: Oy.
*(The four walk out.)
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor: Bye!
*(The four then hop in US's car; NH lays on the back seats, US drives the car, Rig is in the middle and Rack is in the passenger seat.)
*NH: Ah, welcome back, my friend.
*Rack: I had a great time!
*Rig: Hey, let's get candy! I could use some rock candy to see if my teeth break!
*US: YES!
*(US drives away, and it irises out.)
*THE END.
==Credits==
===Starring===
*Rackliffelikespurple as Rack
*New Heathera as NH
*Utter solitude as US
*Rigbybestie1510 as Rig
*Dep. Mayor as Dep. Mayor
*Old Man as Old Man
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor as Dirt Mound Valley Mayor
*Mime as Mime
*Dirt Mound Valley Mayor's People as Dirt Mound Valley Mayor's People
===Writing===
*Written by: Rackliffelikespurple, New Heathera and Utter solitude
===Thanks===
To New Heathera, Utter solitude and Rigbybestie1510 for being the inspirations to the corresponding characters.
==Other==
I really like this episode and its "randomness". I'm SO excited for next week's though! :D
Thanks for reading! :D
Category:Episodes