Episode 408: Arlo Guthrie/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 408: Arlo Guthrie.
==Cold open==
 	Scooter knocks on Arlo's dressing room door and enters, as Arlo strums his guitar.
Scooter	Oh, Arthur. Arthur Godfrey? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Godfrey.
Arlo 	"Arthur Godfrey?" You better check with your boss. I'm Arlo, Arlo Guthrie.
 	
Scooter	(consulting his clipboard) Oh, yeah. "Arlo Guthrie," of course. I'm sorry, Arlo. Gee, I wish Kermit would learn how to type - his handwriting's terrible!
 	Arlo takes to the camera.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Arlo Guthrie! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	
 	A shark swims into Statler and Waldorf's box.
Statler	What's this fish doing in our box?!
Waldorf	The same as us - suffering! (both laugh)
 	
 	Just as Gonzo blows the final note, he's trampled by a herd of cows. The last cow stops and moos to the crowd.
==Opening number==
 	Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Good evening, good evening, good evening! I am the frog, you are the audience and this is The Muppet Show. It works out kinda nice that way. And another thing that's nice is our very special guest star is that great singer of folk songs, Mr. Arlo Guthrie. So, we're just gonna lay back, relax and spend a quiet family evening. Welcome to our house!
 	
 	The curtains open, revealing the Muppets in a rustic home. The opening number begins to play as Kermit and the Muppets sing a little.
Kermit 	Yup. Yup, you can see everybody's gathered around the ol' homestead here - uh, the family's here, granny and the baby, and the bear, and the band. And over at the piano, Mr. Arlo Guthrie! Yaaay!
 	
 	Arlo and the Muppets sing "Grocery Blues." Midway through, the Swedish Chef leaves the premises with a shopping cart.
Swedish Chef	Mm-hmm, off to the grocery store!
 	He soon returns with the cart stocked with foods, including a panicked, live turkey. The Chef laughs as he brandishes his cleaver. Arlo and the Muppets finish the song.
Waldorf 	I wonder why they didn't just let Arlo do a solo?
Statler 	They were afraid if they left him alone, he'd make a run for it! (both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	Various Whatnots from the number come backstage. The Swedish Chef polishes dishes on the floor above.
Kermit 	Okay, very nice, guys. Very folksy, very friendly, very homely.
Whatnot (JN)	Who you callin' "homely?"
Kermit 	Uh, homelike, homelike. Ooo, don't be so touchy.
 	The Whanot leaves, as Winny enters.
Winny 	(waving to the Chef) Oo-ooo!
Kermit 	Hey, Winny. Uh, w-what's the Chef doing up there with all those dishes.
 	
Winny 	Oh, well, when Chef and I heard you were having a big, family gathering on the show, we decided you should have a proper meal.
Kermit 	Well, that's true.
Winny 	So, we got out the crockery and now Chef can start cooking!
Kermit 	Yeah, but - oh, oh, Chef! Chef, uh, we're having it catered.
 	The Swedish Chef drops a stack of dishes over the balcony in shock and begins to cry.
Kermit 	I-it's just that, uh, you know, I thought the Chef would like a day off and I know this great caterer, and uh...
 	The Swedish Chef knocks over another stack in despair.
Kermit 	Uh, Chef! Chef, wait a minute! On the other hand, Chef - hold it! Wait a second, I-I'll change my mind. Uh, you can cook dinner.
 	The Swedish Chef tosses away his napkin and grabs another stack of dishes, dancing happily with them.
Kermit 	But, Chef, be careful with those last dishes. Wha?!
 	The Swedish Chef releases them over the railing, revealing they're all strung together. He and Winny laugh.
Winny 	(laughing) What a sense of humor!
Kermit 	(grimacing) Yeah, they call him "The Swedish Noël Coward."
 	Winny and the Swedish Chef continue laughing.
==Muppet newsflash==
 	A mother watches the news on TV with her baby.
Newsman	And now, direct from the Chicago livestock board, here are the gestation periods.
Baby 	Gestation…
Newsman	(looks around) Yes. Anyhow, gestation periods. Pigs, 113 days. Cows, 284 days. Horses, 337 days, and elephants, 645 days. Elsewhere on the agricultural news front, the recent bumper crop has been causing problems for farmers. Widespread dumping of produce has resulted from this bumper crop, and now —
 	
 	A pile of car bumpers falls on him. The mother and baby laugh.
Mother 	Bumper crop.
=="Elegance"==
 	
 	Kermit sits atop a fence.
Kermit 	Uh, I've come out here in the pasture to prove a point. And the point is that there's as much sophistication and style out here in the country as there is on Broadway. Presenting Aunt Melba's Guernsey Cotillion with a little "Elegance."
 	
 	A herd of cows sing "Elegance." They sing in the pasture, then move into the house, donning more showy costumes.
Waldorf	Hey, those heifers are pretty good hoofers. (laughs)
Statler	Yeah, just hope it doesn't curdle the milk! (both laugh)
==The Swedish Chef==
 	In the kitchen, the Swedish Chef sings his theme tune, then tosses two pots behind him.
Swedish Chef	Excusie. (mock Swedish) roost torkey. Here we get da torkey. Here, torkey, torkey.
 	A turkey enters, gobbling.
Swedish Chef	Ooo, sweet torkey. Nice... (kisses turkey repeatedly) torkey. Oookay! We roost the torkey.
 	The Swedish Chef grabs his spit and inspects the tip, pricking his finger.
Swedish Chef	Okay, torkey. Here go. (positions turkey) Now, we skewer de torkey.
 	
 	In mock Swedish, the Chef describes how he'll skewer the spit through the turkey. The turkey is very nervous, but the Chef smacks him into compliance.
Swedish Chef	Alrooty. One, two three...
 	The Chef aims to skewer, but the turkey dodges it. He grabs the spit in his beak and knocks the Chef out with it, tramples him and exits.
==Dressing room==
 	Gonzo walks into Arlo's dressing room, carrying a guitar case.
Gonzo	Hey, oh, Arlo! Hey, I was wondering if you could help me, uh, tune my guitar.
Arlo 	Oh, sure. Come in, Gonzo. You know, I love guitars.
Gonzo	Ah, yeah. Well, this one's a beauty. It's a custom job I had shipped in from Miami.
 	Arlo opens the case and pulls out the guitar, made to resemble a flamingo.
Arlo 	Oh, wow - a real flamingo guitar!
Gonzo	Yeah. (laughs)
 	
 	Arlo strums a short, flamenco piece as Gonzo dances.
Gonzo	¡Olé!
==At the Square Dance==
 	Dissolve to a close-up of an oil lamp.
Gramps 	And it's time for the square dance.
 	
 	Dissolve to a hayfield, where a trio of Muppet couples dance as Gramps sings and a square dance version of the "At the Dance" music on violin.
Gramps 	
One for the money, two for the show
Grab your partner, here we go
Now, turn to the left, turn to the right
Hold your honey and hold 'er tight
Prettiest tune that's ever been played
Swing your partner, promenade
A kitten's a cat, a doe's a deer
Take your finger and stick it in your ear
Dancer (JH)	Huh?
Annie Sue 	Okay.
 	The dancers continue with their fingers in their ears.
Gramps 	
Now, aleman left with a do-si-do
Prance little darlin's, heel and toe
Cows can moo and crows can caw
Ladies, make a fist and punch 'im in the jaw
Dancer (JH)	Huh?
 	The males are punched.
Gramps 	
Men in the center, cryin' in pain
Turn to the ladies who'll do it again
Dancer (JH)	Huh?
 	The ladies sock their partners once more.
Gramps 	
Pins and needles, needles and pins
Men, get even, kick 'em in the shins
 	The men do so. A brawl erupts as the song ends.
==UK spot==
 	
 	Members of Lubbock Lou and his Jughuggers sing "A Horse Named Bill."
Waldorf	Well, that was different.
Statler	I should say so. So many of these songs are long and boring.
Waldorf	Yes, they've finally managed one short and boring! (both laugh)
Statler	Does that mean they're getting better or worse? (both laugh)
=="Get Along Little Dogies"==
 	Arlo sits on the porch with a guitar. His is surrounded by a herd of cows, a bull, a horse and a chicken. Rover Joe sits at his feet.
Arlo	I'm happy to sing this song to you dogies tonight. You know, that's what they call ya'. It's not about dogs. This is a ol' song, cowboy song, and it goes like this.
 	
 	Arlo sings a verse of "Get Along Little Dogies." The cows moo along with some of his elongated notes. He takes a break from singing. The livestock react as Arlo analyzes the lyrics.
Arlo	Sounds like a nice song. Tell ya', know the truth of the truth of it... You know, these songs was sung by lyin' cowboys. I mean, what's that mean - "whoopie ti-yi-yo, get along little dogies? It's your misfortune, ain't none of my own." That means the cowboy, he's got a gun. And the dogies is unarmed. And he goes on to say, "whoopie ti-yi-yo, get along little dogies. You know that Wyoming will be your new home." Well, a lotta bull that is. Wyoming's not gonna be their new home. They're gonna be inside a tin can outside a' Kansas City.
 	The cows are all shocked. Arlo sings a few more lyrics, when stopping abruptly. The animals egg him on to continue.
Arlo	Nothin' left of this song...or the cowboy that sung it.
 	Arlo and the animals sing one last chorus together.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	The Swedish Chef straightens his bow tie, ready for his next cooking demonstration.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) no roost torkey. (mock Swedish) de roost piggy. Piggy, piggy, piggy! Here, piggy! Suey, piggy, piggy, pi-
 	
 	A disgruntled pig enters.
Pig 	SUEY, piggy, piggy, piggy!
 	He bashes the Chef in the face with a ladle, then exits. The Swedish Chef stabilizes himself on the counter.
Swedish Chef	Uh, noo roost piggy. Uh, uh... (grabbing some utensils) Here, bef. Roost bef. (clanking the utensils) Here, beffy, beffy, beffy!
 	A herd of cows tramples the Chef.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit watches as the pig and cows come backstage. The pig smacks Kermit's desk with his ladle. Fozzie enters.
Fozzie	Hey, hey, Kermit. Kermit, I am ready to do my Robert Frost poetry reading.
 	Behind them, some cows assemble and chew on some hay.
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, you can't do poetry on this show.
Fozzie	Kermit, uh, look at all these cows... this show every bit of class it can get.
 	Kermit grimaces.
Fozzie	Anyway, Kermit, my-my poetry's just as good as my comedy.
Kermit	It's that bad, huh?
Fozzie	(getting on his knees) Kermit, I memorized a whole poem.
 	
Kermit	O-okay, Fozzie.
Fozzie	Please!
Kermit	Okay. Y-you can do your poetry, but just make it snappy.
Fozzie	Yes, sir! Thank you, sir! (rushes out)
 	Gonzo enters, dressed in a Latin American outfit with sombrero.
Gonzo 	'Kay, Kermit. I'm ready for my tango number!
Kermit	Uh, Gonzo, not on this show. Maybe next week.
Gonzo 	Kermit, Kermit. Perfection cannot be denied! Whoopie! (runs to the stage)
==Fozzie's recitation==
 	On a snowy landscape, Fozzie rides in on a sled, pulled by a horse (Old Skyball Paint).
 	
Fozzie 	Ho! Ah. (clears throat) Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening by Robert Frost. (clears throat)
Whose woods these are I think I know
His house is in the village though
He will not mind if I stay here
To watch his woods fill up with snow
 	As Fozzie finishes the first verse of the poem, Gonzo sneaks onto the set behind him, unnoticed.
Fozzie 	
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farm-
 	Suddenly, Fozzie is interrupted by Gonzo and his chickens, dancing to "Hernando's Hideaway."
Gonzo 	¡Olé!
Fozzie 	Kermit!
Gonzo 	¡Arriba!
Fozzie 	Kermit!
Gonzo 	¡Enchilada!
Fozzie 	Hey, come on, now! Gonzo!
Gonzo 	¡Olé!
 	Gonzo and the chickens exit as the music ends. Kermit enters.
Fozzie 	Kermi-Kermit-
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, you said you'd make it fast. Now, uh, hurry up!
Fozzie 	Yeah, but Gonzo came in and he...oh, boy, where was I?
Horse 	Who cares? Get to the good part, where I shake my harness bells.
Fozzie 	Oh, uh, let's see. Oh, yeah, right, right. Uh,
He gives his harness bells a shake
Uh, to ask if there is some mistake
Let's see, uh, oh yeah,
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flakes
 	
 	The music begins again, as Gonzo and the chickens return.
Fozzie 	You, bu-
Gonzo 	
I know a dark, secluded place
A place where no one knows your face
A glass of wine, a fast embrace
It's called Chez Gonzo's Hideaway. ¡Olé!
Fozzie 	(simultaneously) Gonzo! Gonzo, what are ya'... what are you doing, Gonzo?! That's not...I give up.
 	Fozzie dons his own sombrero and produces a pair of castanets. He sings the final verse of the poem to the tune of the music, as Gonzo and the chickens back up.
Fozzie 	
The woods are lovely, dark and deep
And I have promises to keep
And miles to go before I sleep
Gonzo & Fozzie	
And miles to go before I sleep. ¡Olé!
 	Gonzo laughs as he begins to whip Fozzie.
==The Swedish Chef / "Sailing Down This Golden River"==
 	
 	Back at the kitchen, the Swedish Chef moans in pain, bandaged and with his arm in a sling.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) make de stew.
 	A disgruntled cow, turkey and pig enter.
Swedish Chef	Noo, noo, noo. Noo torkey stew, noo piggy stew and noo bif stew.
 	The animals leave, satisfied.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) de veggie weggie stew!
 	The vegetables leap from the counter and trounce him, then leave. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay. Well, uh... (clears throat) Uh, while the Chef sends out for pizza or something...
 	The Swedish Chef woozily rises up before collapsing onto the counter. Music begins to play from the other room.
Kermit 	Um...uh, I think I hear music coming from the living room, the music of Mr. Arlo Guthrie.
 	
 	In the living room, Arlo and the Muppets sing "Sailing Down This Golden River."
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit walks up to the front door of the house.
Kermit 	Well, we've just about reached the end of the day down here on the ol' homestead. (walking inside) And, as the sun sinks slowly in the West, the entire family gathers around the traditional table for a great feast. And we say thank you to our very special guest star, Mr. Arlo Guthrie! Yaaay!
 	
 	Arlo removes his arm from around Miss Piggy's shoulder as they notice they're visible. Kermit and the other Muppets gather around the dinner table.
Arlo 	Thank you, Kermit. You know, I've had a wonderful time, but can we, uh, carve the turkey now?
Gonzo 	Yeah, I'm starved.
Granny 	Yeah, let's do that.
 	The turkey enters, gobbling.
Arlo 	Well, maybe no turkey, but, uh, what are we gonna have?
Piggy 	W-well, I'm certain that the Swedish Chef has cooked up something for us, right Chef?
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
 	Arlo lifts the tray cover up, revealing a plate of pill bottles and jars. The Muppets gasp in confusion and shock.
Arlo 	It's vitamin pills!
Muppets 	(simultaneously) Vitamin pills?!
Piggy 	Chef, you crazy chef!
Swedish Chef	(saying something like "Let me explain." in mock Swedish)
Kermit 	Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets continue to argue. Arlo pours out some pills on his plate and begins carving as the closing theme plays.
Waldorf 	Well, as they say in France, "Adíos."
Statler 	No, that's Spanish.
Waldorf 	I know, I don't speak French.
 	Waldorf laughs as Statler double-takes.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts