National Youth Theatre

see also “National Youth Theater”
The National Youth Theatre (NYT), the clandestine parent company of the New York Times (NYT) due to a Stamp Act-era ledger mistake, is the premiere UK theatre company for acting upstarts, wannabes, and prodigies.
According to the UK constitution, all UK citizens and nationals must submit their CVs, a photo, and two blood samples to the NYT (no, the other one) by their fourth birthday. After a rigorous applicant selection process, the top 0.37% of children gain access to this most hollowed of theatrical institutions.
The Bugle boasts one confirmed graduate of the NYT, the illustrious John Oliver, Esquire, OBE. The statuses of Tom, Chris, Paul, and Wole are unconfirmed.
== NYT Curriculum ==
The rigorous acting curriculum encompasses the following:
:*Bullshitting
:*Singing
::*Ragtime
::*Sea Shanties
::*90’s Rap
:*Vocal Projection
::*Shouting
::*Screaming
::*Bellowing
::*Hollering
:*Dancing
::*Tap
::*Morris
::*Ballet
:*Stage Combat
::*Flaming Swords
::*Chickens
::*Croquet Mallet
:*Improvisation
:*Speaking with a Decent American Accent
::*Southern Drawl
::*Long Island
::*Texan
:*Mime
::*Marcel Marceau
::*Shields & Yarnell
:*Equestrian
:*Recitation
:*Green Screen Acclimatization
:*Dealing with Hecklers
== Andy Zaltzman vs. NYT ==
Andy Zaltzman is the sworn archenemy of the NYT. Despite repeated inquiries, Mr. Zaltzman has not been forthcoming regarding the source of animosity between himself and the NYT. Unofficial sources within the NYT have repeatedly stated that (1) Mr. Zaltzman’s CV and blood sample were destroyed per NYT regulations in 1979; (2) the NYT does not and has never tapped Mr. Zaltzman’s phone, computer, or other personal devices; and (3) John Oliver was not admitted based on the high quality of his dimples.
To explain this perplexing ongoing feud, conspiracy theories have proposed that:
*An agent of the NYT, living at Number 53, stole Andy's Bin.
*Zaltzman suffers from Stage IV Holmes-Moriarty Complex. This is intensified by his Anti-Victorian Wardrobe Complex, which sends him into anaphylaxis if he is within 5 meters of a top hat, brolly, or cravat.
*The NYT illegally seized the bookstore that Zaltzman’s sister Helen was employed by in their hometown of Tunbridge Wells, claiming eminent domain.
*The NYT abducted Zaltzman’s beloved dog, Tash, and replaced the canine with an imposter. Zaltzman still dreams of being reunited with his pal.
*The NYT is rumoured to have rejected Zaltzman’s application because he was not “ginger enough.”
Zaltzman’s grudge extends to the other NYT, simply because both organizations are known by the same acronym. He believes himself to be the inspiration for former NYT reporter Jayson Blair, infamous for fabricating and plagiarizing news stories. Zaltzman has yet to receive his out of court settlement, and all 28 attempts to vicariously picket the NYT have resulted in failure.
==Legacy of the National Youth Theatre==
Graduation from the NYT does not guarantee a successful film career.
In fact, it might be better to quit while you are ahead.
==Illustrious Graduates of the NYT==
*Florence Nightingale
*David Cameron
*John Oliver
*Zeus
*Charlie Chaplin
Fuck you Chris
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