Episode 1/Transcription

Ursula: Hello out there, Internet-land people! Um, this is Ursula, and...
Kevin: And I'm Kevin.
Ursula: And... I even hesitate to call this a podcast, 'cause I have friends who are actual podcasters who like win awards and stuff; this is two idiots in the kitchen with a microphone. But, that said -- hi! This is two idiots in the kitchen with a microphone.
Kevin: And that--
Ursula: And, and a beagle.
Kevin: Yeah, and if, if we do -- if this does turn into a podcast the name of it will not be Two Idiots In A Kitchen With A Microphone.
Ursula: And a beagle.
Kevin: And a beagle. Although that's... catchy, I-I have to admit. *cough*
Ursula: If you would like a beagle so that we can just be two idiots with a microphone, please contact us. We would love to find a new home for the beagle.
Kevin: Uh, he's a lovely dog, but no.
Ursula: He's a terrible dog. We love him, but he's a terrible dog. If you're a rabbit hunter, however--
Kevin: --he will probably still be a terrible dog, in all honesty. So, um!
Ursula: Moving right along.
Kevin: Why are we doing this again?
Ursula: Uh... well, as it happens, you would probably think that if we were going to do a podcast or a thing that sort of superficially resembles a podcast while not being nearly as cool as most of the podcasts you know and love, you would think that since Kevin is a Web designer and I am an artist and writer and things and Kevin is making the, the I'm-not-really-a-web-designer -- a sysadmin, a, a general Linux...
Kevin: Yeah, y-yeah, that, techie thing, yeah.
Ursula: Techie thing. You would assume that since he's a techie and I'm an artist and writer and whatnot, we would talk about either tech or art and writing or something like that. Because that is the only thing we are possibly authorities on and anyone would want to hear from us. That would be logical. So instead we're talking about prepackaged food.
Kevin: Um, and it's not that we don't like... regular food; I can cook, um, Ursula has made attempts at cooking, it's, um...
Ursula: I have not yet burned the house down, uh, I did burn water that one time but that could've happened to anyone...
Kevin: Rrright. But the thing is, after a day of work, since I'm the cook and I'm the one out for ten, fourteen hours a day, you don't always want to come home and mess with the pots and the pans and the spices and the water and, um, the fresh ingredients, which I love to do when I'm not rushed or exhausted or stuff like that. So what we've got is we've got, um, you know, sometimes foods that we're gonna take to the office, like today we'll talk about a noodle bowl, um, we've got... an intermediate food that we'll talk about, for those of you who are a little fancier, but in general the idea here is that it's, it's, um...
Ursula: It's fast. It's prepackaged. I love the idea of the slow food movement, I am all for it, if th-there was a place I could donate money I would do it, I very nearly bought an - a heritage breed turkey just in an attempt to support that. Although then I would've named the turkey and loved the turkey and couldn't have eaten the turkey, thereby negating the whole slow food purpose. They were really cool looking turkeys though, man, they were like, white, and black, they were amazing turkeys. Kevin talked me out of it on the principle we do not need a turkey the size of a car tire roaming around the back yard, although they're supposed to be very friendly.
Kevin: And I don't think the border collie or the beagle would've appreciated it either.
Ursula: The border collie would've herded the turkeys, and that would have been an experience for everyone.
Both: Anyway.
Ursula: So, I... can't cook. I mean, I could cook, there was a point where I decided I was going to teach myself to cook, and, uh, the problem is I was married to a cook for a number of years, so he did all the cooking and he was good at it, and then there was the divorce and everything, and then I tried to learn to cook, and I discovered no one will sell you half a tomato. And I would make a big meal of like Mexican food, which is about the only thing I learned how to cook since you use about the same ingredients for everything, and I would use half a tomato and then I would eat on that plate of enchiladas or whatever the entire week and the other half of my tomato would go bad, but no one would sell me half a tomato. So I eventually just gave up on all that cooking thing and started living off the frozen food aisle at Trader Joe's. But there's a big range of stuff at the frozen food aisle of Trader Joe's, or the prepackaged food, and there was that whole stretch when I was feeling really adventurous and I went to Grand Asia and I started buying things out of the frozen aisle that weren't labeled in English, and had no cooking instructions so I would just microwave everything for five-minute intervals until it was either edible or... exploded.
Kevin: Really, it's -- it's a wonder she's alive sometimes, it really is.
Ursula: The one rolls with the red bean paste center were okay. I think that's what those were. They might have been squid, I don't know, it was like I said, they don't label them. There was a happy squid on it. We should add, by the way, that our qualifications in this are that when I was in college I lived on ramen, and cup-o-noodles, and, uh, Hamburger Helper Stroganoff for about four years, with the end result that I cannot eat any of those foods anymore, particularly not the stroganoff. Uh... I guess that's a qualification, right? I have, I have, I have delved into some of the depths!
Kevin: And, uh, you know, I think we all spent our six months or a year living off of ramen, or in my case there was the ramen, there was also the nine - the fifty-nine cent loaf of bread and whatever butter was in the fridge was dinner. So, I mean, you know, we've done cheap, we've done easy, we've done poor, we've done, you know, today's meal is a Snickers and a bottle of Dr Pepper, so I think we might be experts on... crappy instant food.
Ursula: *to the internet* Oh, like you never had a jar of salsa and a can of beer over the sink for dinner.
Kevin: Yeah, don't judge us unless you've actually been there yourself.
Ursula: On the other hand, we actually can appreciate good food if you twist our arm, so -- and, and there's a lot of surprisingly good, or at least, surprisingly diverse prepackaged food out there, particularly weird ethnic foods, like there's this whole line of Indian sauces you can get now, some of which are pretty good. Some of which taste kind of like the Indian equivalent of Hamburger Helper, but, um, anyway, that's probably another thing. Today, we are looking at two items! We have the, the intermediate level... cooking...
Kevin: Yeah?
Ursula: ...thing...
Kevin: Yeah?
Ursula: Which are... frozen pierogies, and they are intermediate level in that you will actually have to use a stove to heat them up and things, and there will be pan frying, and perhaps if you are particularly adventurous you can caramelize an onion.
Kevin: Uh, yes. The other item we have here is, um, the abject beginner, although even for this particular type of meal it's a little advanced, and that is the, um, and I'm going to say, the Simply Asia brand Roasted Peanut Noodle Bowl. Heat and serve, ready in two minutes -- fork included, which I always found fascinating about the Simply Asia brand, they always include the fork for you. It's a crappy fork! But it's a fork nonetheless, so that's one less thing to have tucked in your desk drawer when you -- if you're taking this to work with you or if you're taking this to school.
Ursula: In fairness, I've never actually used the fork because it is such a crappy fork.
Kevin: A-any port in a storm.
Ursula: Yes. And since we're mentioning the brands, the brand we are reviewing, since God knows the brand really does matter with a lot of these, this is Cheemo Heat and Serve Potato and Cheddar Cheese Pierogies.
Kevin: So, yes! Let's get started with the Simply Asia, 'cause there will be some microwaving time on this. And it comes in a very, you know, attractive package, and -- Ursula is now wrestling with it, there we go --
*sounds of package being opened in background*
Ursula: I believe they're about three bucks, so they're kind of at the high end of the Top Ramen, nuke-your-cup-o-noodle kinda thing.
Kevin: Yeah. Now, um, i-it comes in a bowl, now the great thing about this particular brand, the Simply Asia brand of noodle bowls, is instead of your hard, crunchy, dried, lump, uh, brick of ramen they actually include a shrink-wrapped vacu-sealed baggie of actual udon or soba noodles. So they're not cooked, but they're not the dehydrated horror that you could, you know, kill a passing hobo by throwing it at them.
Ursula: We do not condone the killing of passing hoboes by throwing noodles at them.
Kevin: Just -- just so you know. Now, you can tear into these, although a knife is appreciated; she's just done that with it, and now that she's--
Ursula: *mutter-singing wordlessly*
Kevin: Yes, she's taken the noodles and put--
Ursula: Was that what I was supposed to do? Crap! Why did I throw away the packaging? *rummages in trash can*
Kevin: No no no, the instructions are on the outer cardboard packaging. This is important to remember, do not throw the cardboard packaging away. And so, okay, yes, you put the noodles in the bowl, and you add the--
Ursula: --freeze-dried vegetables--
Kevin: --the freeze-dried vegetables. Do you add the spice packet at this point, or just the--
Ursula: No, it's--
Kevin: --okay.
Ursula: "Step 2, open packets. Empty noodles and vegetables into bowl." Frankly, the vegetables are uninspiring.
Kevin: They look -- this is typical of the freeze-dried Asian cuisine genre...
Ursula: Better noodles, completely mediocre vegetables.
Kevin: We'll call the vegetables average. Uh, add water, am I right?
Ursula: "Pour sauce over noodles." The sauce is wet.
Kevin: Yes. Yes, it is not a dried sauce packet, it is actually damp. Oh, oh yeah, this is--
Ursula: No, it's an actual liquid.
Kevin: Yeah, it's a -- I think it's a concentrated liquid, I wouldn't -- you could -- here, gimme, lemme see that for a second--
Ursula: All right, but don't mainline it.
Kevin: I won't mainline it, let me just... *tastes* That's a concentrated liquid, it's very salty, but carries much more flavor than if you were trying to, say, I don't know, huff the dried packet that comes with ramens. Ramens are probably going to be our default comparison for this sort of thing.
Ursula: Things are either better than ramen or worse than ramen.
Kevin: Yes. So, I, if we do more we'll probably come up with a proper rating system. Now, you add a small amount of water, you will require a tablespoon measure for this. You measure that into the bowl, and then you put the lid on the bowl, as I recall, and microwave it.
Ursula: Yes. "Cover loosely with lid. Microwave on high..."
*abhorrent staticky noises from microwave*
Kevin: So while that's microwaving on high for two minutes -- see? We're microwaving it right now -- real quick, the...
Ursula: Let's talk pierogies.
Kevin: ...the Cheemo pierogies are absolutely fantastic. They come frozen, you can bake them, you can boil them, you are warned on the package to not deep-fry or fully submerge in cooking oil. Probably -- there may be an explosion risk there. Ooh, now I want to try some mad scientist with pierogies.
Ursula: I suspect they would just become horribly bloated and soft and full of oil. They're -- this is a heavy food. This is not a diet food, this is a, you know, Eastern European comfort food, we ate these and I was ready for a Russian blizzard. This will stick to your ribs.
Kevin: Yeah, the serving size is four pierogies, they're about four per container, and I think we can eat maybe six or seven each before we're ready to just, you know, hibernate for a while.
Ursula: There's more than four per container.
Kevin: I'm sorry, there's sixteen per container, I'm confused. So the last time we prepared these, and we liked them so much we're gonna do it again, we followed the pan-fry directions, which is just heat up some oil, you put them in the pan, you fry them straight from frozen, and they're ready in about five, maybe ten minutes. They say serve them with sauteed onions, so in my particular case I fried an entire yellow onion beforehand and put the pierogies in with the onion and it was -- it came out really well. Caramelizing the onions would probably give you a little more flavor in there; I did not, next time I'm gonna try that, 'cause it was really good. They're easy if you know your way around a frypan; you could bake them if you want, I don't know how that would turn out, but fried with a little sour cream on them and some fried onions, just absolutely fantastic.
Ursula: The, I will say -- this is not exactly gourmet cuisine, the interior stuffing is cheese and potato but it's just kind of a shapeless yellow paste in the middle -- it was tasty yellow paste, but don't go into it expecting high cuisine here. Nevertheless, it was tasty, it was ribsticking, it was -- there was grease and onion and pierogi and sour cream --
Kevin: Oh yeah, yeah.
Ursula: -- and it was, I would eat it again happily.
Kevin: We're going to eat it again happily. So, the microwave has just wrapped up, with our noodles; let's see how these turn out. *reaches* Grab the instructions -- see, we're actually in the kitchen recording this. Let's see, so, all right, "Stir noodles until they are evenly coated with sauce."
Ursula: Do I have to use the fork? It's a terrible fork.
Kevin: It's a terrib--okay, the fork? The fork is about a half to a third the size of your standard plastic picnic fork if they could have just shrunk it, I really think that's what they did, that's so it can fit in the actual bowl, but it's there. It's very difficult to eat with this particular fork, but you know, if you're wanting a complete meal it includes the fork. The older versions of these included -- the fork was actually a two-piece fork that folded in half; the problem with that fork was, you would be trying to scoop something up and the fork would... fold. I mean, even though it snapped together, it would still like fold and you'd be -- you have, you know, your food half dangling off the fork. So, okay, do you want to stir with the for--oh, you got a real fork.
Ursula: Seriously, if you have access to a microwave and a tablespoon measurement, the odds are good you can lay hands on a real fork. This is not something, this is not a meal you could make out over an open -- well, you could make it over -- you'd have a real hard time making it over an open fire. Yeah, this is not wilderness survival food. Just get a good fork.
Kevin: So, and then you apply the peanut topping, that comes with it, we have peanut topping, and the peanut topping is basically chopped ground peanut. Not like it's anything particularly fancy. We're not looking for fancy in this particular case anyway, right? And... you're getting a second fork?
Ursula: I'm getting a second fork; I will not suffer alone.
Kevin: We do this again, we should plan for multiple forks. All right, so...
Ursula: Being that we are not doing this in wilderness survival mode, we have access to multiple forks!
Kevin: All right. Moment of truth. *pause* And there's little bits of peanut being flung as we're trying to scoop up the noodles here.
Ursula: The beagle likes that, though.
Kevin: Mm-hm.
Ursula: It does not come with a beagle. If you would like a beagle with your noodles, please contact us.
Kevin: It's not bad.
Ursula: It's a little -- it's oddly a little sweet. There is a sort of sweet undertone to it. It's a generic, you know, udon kinda noodle with peanuts and some dried pepper flakes and stuff.
Kevin: Mm-hm.
Ursula: The vegetables did not turn into... anything resembling a vegetable, they turned into small flakes of what is probably plant matter--
Kevin: But I think I see something that resembles a carrot. Yes, that may have once been a carrot. Hold on, let's see if I can get this once-a-carrot here, just that... It's now a damp cardboard with a vague carrot coloring and flavor to it. So. Aha! Ooh, look at the [bottle/bottom?].
Ursula: Seriously, the vegetables look kinda like fish food. You could leave the vegetables off and probably not lose much. But the noodles aren't bad. I mean, compared to ramen, it's okay.
Kevin: Mmph! I'm particularly fond of the sauces they include with these. 'Cause they're either a little sweet or a little sour -- since they're including an actual sauce with it and it's concentrated it reconstitutes very well with the noodles. So you get a good coating, and you don't end up with a bowl of basically flavored soup and flavorless noodles.
Ursula: Yes, this is a very dry food, this is a bowl of noodles, this is not a soup bowl or anything.
Kevin: Yeah.
Ursula: We should mention this is the Roasted Peanut variety, which is probably why the topping was all nuts. And it's not bad. I mean, you wouldn't like serve this for dinner probably, but if you're sick of bringing sandwiches to work or if, you know, you've been living on Lean Cuisine all week and you want a break, it's really not terrible.
Kevin: It's not bad. Yeah.
Ursula: It is a little spendy for what it is, is my opinion, but...
Kevin: Mm-hm. Also -- as I have more noodles, 'cause apparently I was hungry -- I believe this one is vegetarian-friendly as well. Um, okay, it has fish sauce in it, but otherwise it doesn't have beef, it doesn't have chicken, the closest to a meat in this is the fish sauce.
Ursula: So if you're a piscatorian, you can still eat it.
Kevin: Exactly.
Ursula: I think that's how you pronounce pescetarian.
Kevin: I thought you said Episcopalian there for a second and I was about to say, when were Episcopalians, um... anyway...
Ursula: They could eat it on Friday.
Kevin: They could eat it on Friday, this is fair. And so that, I think, will wrap up this initial pilot... whatever-we're-going-to-call-it bit of goofing off. I hope you've enjoyed the last twenty minutes, I've enjoyed my moment in the sun with noodles--
Ursula: *giggles*
Kevin: --and I guess that's it for this time. So if you like it, tell us; if you don't, tell us; and if you want to hear more, certainly tell us, we'd be glad to know.
Ursula: Next week, or whenever we do this again, Lean Cuisine and curry sauce! Or something else, we don't know. We have no plan.
Kevin: We have no idea.
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