Episode 210: The Gary Cahuenga Episode/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Clifford and Rizzo enter the dark basement.
Rizzo 	Ooh.
Clifford 	Mm hmm. C'mon, Riz.
Rizzo 	Alright. Oh - watch it. … You know, this basement's a pretty scary place, Clifford. It … it reminds me of the reform school.
Clifford 	C'mon, Riz. We're just changing a fuse.
Rizzo 	Alright.
Clifford 	Now hold that flashlight up so we can find the fuse box.
Rizzo 	Okay, let's see, uh …
Clifford 	Lessee, where is it …
Rizzo 	(bumps into something) OW! OW!
Clifford 	What's wrong with you?
Rizzo 	OW! OW! I think my head found the fuse box.
Clifford 	Wait a minute, hold the phone – I, I see something.
Rizzo 	Huh?
Clifford 	Right over here. Bring that flashlight.
Rizzo 	Careful, Clifford - it's high voltage. Be careful!
Clifford 	Uh huh. I got it, I got it.
 	He throws a switch, and the lights come on.
Rizzo 	Hey!
Clifford 	He-he-hey. That's more like it. Come on, Riz, let's go.
Rizzo 	Alright. Oh, hey, Clifford …
Clifford 	Hmm?
Rizzo 	… what do you think's in this old trunk here? It says, uh … (blows dust) … “Cahuenga”. Huh.
Clifford 	I don't know.
Rizzo 	Well, I guess I'll just have to uh, heh heh, pick the lock!
 	He blows on his paw and rubs it on his shirt, then goes to work. Clifford finds a bolt and unlocks it, causing the lid to pop open and catapult Rizzo across the room. A ventriloquist dummy sits up.
Clifford 	How about this right here?
Rizzo 	(screams)
Gary Cahuenga	Hey, thanks, fellas.
Rizzo 	What is that??
Gary Cahuenga	Okay, uh, Chick, I think this is what we're going to do. Uh, we'll start with the Sputnik routine because that's so topical, and then we'll be off to the races. Chick? Chick? Wha –
Clifford 	Yo, yo, yo, yo. Who are you?
Gary Cahuenga	Who am I? Don't you watch TV? (laughs) I'm Gary Cahuenga! And my partner Chick and I are performing on The Ed Sullivan Show tonight!
Clifford 	Wait, wait, wait, slow down, little fella. This is the Muppets.
Gary Cahuenga	I don't think so. You know what? Mr. Sullivan has us on right after the Harmonicats. Now, what time is it? I don't want to be late.
Clifford 	I think you're 40 years too late.
Rizzo 	Yeah. Sullivan hasn't been on the air in years.
Gary Cahuenga	Wait a minute. This isn't 1956?
Rizzo 	Heh, not unless you go by my paychecks. Heh heh.
Gary Cahuenga	Then I've been in this box for more than 40 years?? That means I haven't been to the bathroom in – whoaaaa, get out of my way! (runs)
Clifford 	Hey, watch your head!
 	Gary bumps into the fuse box, causing the basement to go dark again.
Clifford 	Man…
==Theme==
	Patrons trample into the Muppet Theater. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Show open / The Benedictine Monkees==
 	The crew takes their places as Kermit oversees. Clifford takes the stage.
Kermit 	Applause, audience. There you go. Right, Jane.
Clifford	He-he-he-he-hey! Hey, welcome to Muppets Tonight. This week's show has tons of singers and bands and dancers! It brings new meaning to the term “music heavy”.
 	A piano falls on him. He gets up, dazed, with piano all over him.
Clifford	Nobody told me they were gonna drop a piano!
Kermit 	Uh, Clifford, excuse me, but it was in the script.
Clifford	Nobody told me there was a script! (faints)
Kermit 	Uh, well, folks, uh, as Clifford was saying, there's a lot of music on the show this week. And to start, let's go live via satellite to the Great Gonzo at the Lollapalooza Festival.
Clifford	(gets up) This I gotta see.
 	Switch to Gonzo, in a different setting.
Gonzo 	Hello, I'm the Great Gonzo, here live from Lollapalooza, all the way across the country. In fact, I am so far away that ––
Kermit 	Gonzo … you are not all the way across the country. You are right here on our stage.
Gonzo 	I know. My mom wouldn't let me go.
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	She said there were too many weirdos. Might be a bad influence on me.
Kermit 	Gee, I would've thought it was the other way around.
Gonzo 	Well, don't worry, Kermit, I've got something that's just as good. They're called Lollapalosers.
Kermit 	Lollapalosers?
Gonzo 	Yeah - all the acts that weren't good enough to make it to the Lollapalooza.
Kermit 	Oh, brother.
Gonzo 	And the first one is the Benedictine Monkees!
 	The group takes the stage, performing a variant of the Monkees' theme song. Switch to Statler and Waldorf, watching the show on a portable TV while on a ski lift.
Statler 	This show's a lot like skiing.
Waldorf 	How's that?
Statler 	'Cause it's going downhill fast!
 	They chuckle.
==Gary's shock==
 	In the lobby, Bobo talks to Gary.
Bobo 	And um … basically, that's what's happened in the last 40 years.
Gary Cahuenga	So you're telling me that uh, human beings have walked on the moon …
Bobo 	Right.
Gary Cahuenga	And that the Soviet Union has crumbled …
Bobo 	Oh, yeah.
Gary Cahuenga	And bears have been discovered to be the smartest creatures in the galaxy?
Bobo 	Oh, and the uh, sexiest.
Gary Cahuenga	I may be a dummy, but I'm not stupid. I know this is 1956. This must be one of Chick's practical jokes.
Bobo 	Oh, who's uh, who's Chick?
Gary Cahuenga	Oh, Chick is my ventriloquist. I mean, the guy's a real goofball.
Bobo 	Oh, yeah.
 	They chuckle.
Gary Cahuenga	But, you know what I always say: “You buy the donut, you buy the hole.”
Bobo 	Oh, how true, how true.
 	Gary walks outside, mumbling.
Gary Cahuenga	I dunno, big Sullivan gig tonight, we're debuting our Sputnik routine, and Chick doesn't even show.
 	Gary looks at his surroundings, shocked at what he sees – police cars and general commotion. Behind him, two gang members carry out a transaction.
Gary Cahuenga	Whoa Nelly …
 	He runs back inside, frightened.
Gary Cahuenga	Oh, it's true. It's not 1956 anymore! The girls are walking around there with, with skirts up to here and, and tattoos all over their bodies! Ooh. Oh, my goodness. And the guys are wearing earrings … in their noses! I ain't cut out for this! The world's gone mad! Ahhhh!
 	He runs away again.
Bobo 	Well, wait till he gets a load of Dennis Rodman. (giggles)
==Smashing Pumpkins==
 	Gonzo approaches Clifford in the control room.
Gonzo 	Clifford! I've got another Lollapalosers act all ready to go.
Clifford	Uh, n-no, no thanks, Gonzo, I think we got the idea.
Gonzo 	But these guys are great. It's the Smashing Pumpkins.
Clifford	The Smashing Pumpkins? I love them!
Gonzo 	Oh. Are you going to marry 'em?
Clifford	Just put 'em on, man.
Nigel 	Cue the Smashing Pumpkins.
 	Onstage, Big Mean Carl smashes two pumpkins as they sing “Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom).”
Squash 	Stop! Don't hit me! I'm not a pumpkin!
Carl 	Well, what are you?
Squash 	Squash.
Carl 	Don't mind if I do! Hey! … Hey!
 	He chases after the runaway squash.
==Penn & Teller==
Clifford 	Gonzo …
Gonzo 	Mm-hm?
Clifford 	… you and these cheap musical acts are working my last nerve.
Gonzo 	Alright then, forget about the music. How about an act like Penn and Teller?
Clifford 	Oh, yeah. Right. Let me guess. You got a ballpoint pen and a guy who works in a bank.
Gonzo 	Wow. That would have been great, but all I have is a guy named Penn and a guy named Teller.
 	Clifford notices them on the monitor.
Clifford 	Wha, wha – ?? Penn and Teller really are here! I didn't even see them standing there.
Gonzo 	Well, you didn't see the piano drop either. You really gotta start reading the scripts here, Clifford.
 	He hands Clifford the script, and Clifford reads from it.
Clifford 	Uh, “Gonzo hands Clifford script, and he begins to read as Penn and Teller do their act.”
 	Onstage, Penn and Teller do their signature “Blast Off” act with a collapsible rocket. Andy and Randy cheer them on.
Andy 	Wow! That was great!
Randy 	How did you do it?
Penn 	Well uh, you really think we'd break an age old time-honored magician's code of secrecy just for a –– couple of stupid pigs?
Andy & Randy	Yes.
Penn 	Okay, let's do it.
Andy & Randy	Yay!
Penn 	Hey Siegfried and Roy, this is for you!
Randy 	Wow.
 	They do the routine again, this time with the black cloths removed from the transparent box-layers of the rocket and the chamber below the stage.
Penn 	(dances) Watch me work.
 	The act concludes, and the audience applauds.
Andy 	Wow! That was great!
Randy 	Yeah! But how do you do it?
Andy 	Yeah.
Penn 	Yeah, uh - ask Teller, he'll explain it to you.
 	They both walk offstage.
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	Gonzo approaches Clifford in the hallway.
Gonzo 	Clifford, Clifford. You're gonna love this next act.
Clifford	Yeah, what's that, Gonz?
Gonzo 	We found a guy who will allow himself to be driven into a railroad tied by two sledgehammer-wielding American gladiators, Zap and Ice, all to the tune of the can-can! (laughs)
Clifford	Well, what kind of a crazy psycho idiot would you get to do a thing like that?
 	Larb walks by with a paper, which Gonzo inspects.
Gonzo 	Uh, hold it there. Let's see. Um, let me check the run down. That particular idiot would be uh, me.
Clifford	Well, get out there and do it, man!
Gonzo 	Yes, yes, alright! (rushes off)
Clifford	Hey, why didn't you tell me you got an NEA grant?
 	Onstage, Gonzo does his aforementioned stunt with Zap and Ice.
Gonzo 	Alright, ready. – Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
==Gary needs a partner==
 	Clifford and Kermit try to coax Gary out of his trunk.
Clifford 	Aw, come on, Gary. Come out of your box. It's not that bad.
Kermit 	Yeah, Gary. Things will work out fine, you know. I mean, there's a place for you here with the Muppets.
Gary Cahuenga 	No, no, no, no, no, no! It's too scary out there! The world is too different! I'm just gonna sit tight and wait for Chick.
Clifford 	Um, uh, Gary, I don't know how to break this to you, but there is no Chick. At least not here.
Gary Cahuenga 	What? I'm a ventriloquist dummy without a ventriloquist? If I don't have a partner, I don't have an act!
Kermit 	Uh, well, listen, Gary, there are plenty of guys around here who'd love to work with you.
Gary Cahuenga 	(pops out) Really?
Kermit 	Sure. Sure. We'll hold auditions and, and we'll find you a new partner in no time.
Clifford 	Yeah, yeah.
Gary Cahuenga 	Say, you guys are fantabulous!
Kermit & Clifford	Okay. “You guys are fantabulous!”
Gary Cahuenga 	(laughs) I see what you did there! That was very good! Listen, if people are still laughing at stuff like that, I got a whole trunkload of material that'll knock their socks off!
Kermit 	Oh, yeah.
 	A squash runs away from Carl.
Squash (LCR) 	Hide me, hide me!
Gary Cahuenga 	What are you?
Squash (LCR) 	Squash.
Carl 	Don't mind if I do! (chases after)
==Thor, God of Thunder==
 	Gonzo's act concludes, his head completely flattened. Zap and Ice high-five each other.
Gonzo 	Next time, girls, put a little muscle into it. … Now, that's what I call art.
Clifford 	Comin' up next, everyone's favorite mythological mischief maker, Thor, God of Thunder.
 	The DMV line, day. Thor reaches the front of the line as the last person exits.
A. Ligator 	This week, Thor visits the DMV.
DMV Clerk (Kathy Najimy)	Alright, next! Name please.
Thor 	Thor, God of Thunder! (the ground shakes)
DMV Clerk 	Uh-huh. And have all these forms been filled out properly for your vehicle registration, sir?
Thor 	Yes. Yes, I believe so. I filled in the release of liability form.
DMV Clerk 	Uh-huh.
Thor 	I've given you all the information for the REG-135 form in triplicate.
DMV Clerk 	Uh-huh.
Thor 	I went all the way home to get my certificate of ownership because the troll in line 3 said that I needed it.
DMV Clerk 	Uh-huh. Alright, sir, what did you say your name was again? I'm sorry.
Thor 	I am Thor, God of Thunder! (laughs as the ground shakes)
DMV Clerk 	Okay. Chill out, sir. Now, exactly how long have you owned this car?
Thor 	Tis not a car! Tis a fiery chariot!
DMV Clerk 	Uh-oh, it's a chariot. You're gonna want line J, sir. You got your minivan, your four wheel drives, your antique vehicles.
Thor 	Line J?? Have you seen the size of line J?? I may be immortal, but I don't have that much time, for I am Thor –– (the ground shakes)
DMV Clerk 	God of Thunder, I know. And I am Estelle, “God of hunger”. Alright? And if you don't mind, sir, it's almost lunchtime.
Thor 	Oh, how clever. Mind your tongue or I shall smite thee mightly!
DMV Clerk 	Well, you can smite me till you're blue in the face, sir, but you're going to have to do it from line J –– uh-oh! You filled out the REG-256 form in pencil.
Thor 	What? What?
DMV Clerk 	It's gotta be in pen! Now you're gonna have to take this back, fill it out properly, and then get back in line and start over again, alright? Next!
Thor 	I've warned thee! Now feel the wrath of the God of thunder! NYAAHH!
 	He shoots a bolt of lightning from his hammer, which singes her.
DMV Clerk 	I will get my supervisors.
Thor 	Mmhm. Ha ha ha.
DMV Clerk 	The gods we get in here these days… (dials the phone)
==Gary still needs a partner==
 	Auditioning hopefuls gather backstage.
Rizzo 	(whistles) Alright, everybody, listen up, people, listen up here, we're holding auditions to find a new partner for Gary Cahuenga.
Seymour 	Ohh.
Rizzo 	First up, Bobo. (sits on wall)
Bobo 	Hey. (giggles)
Gary Cahuenga	So, Bobo …
Bobo 	Uh, yes, Gary?
Gary Cahuenga	Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Bobo 	Oh, I didn't go out last night. I stayed home and watched wrestling.
Gary Cahuenga	No no no no no, it's a joke, you dummy!
Bobo 	I — I'm the dummy? I'm confused. Y-you said you were the dummy.
 	Switch to later…
Seymour 	♪ I'm Seymour.
Pepe 	♪ I'm Pepe.
Both 	♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	♪ We want to work with Gary …
Seymour 	♪ 'cause Chick he cannot find.
Both 	Ta-da!
Pepe 	Hahaha! You see what we did there? We put in Chick's name, 'cause that's who you're looking for.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Gary Cahuenga	Mm hmm.
Pepe 	Hey, Seymour.
Seymour 	Yes, Pepe?
Pepe 	Who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Seymour 	No, no, no. Don't you remember, Pepe? Last night we went to Bobo's to watch wrestling.
Gary Cahuenga	Alright, alright, alright. alright. First of all, that is not the punch line to the joke. Second, I happen to know that wrestling was not on last night because I checked. And third, what part do I play in this act?
Pepe 	Oh, well, uh, we haven't worked that out yet, okay.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Gary Cahuenga	Next!
 	Now with Beaker…
Gary Cahuenga	So, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
Beaker 	(meeps)
Gary Cahuenga	Again with the wrestling?? Read my lips: wrestling was not on last night! Next!
 	Now with Rizzo, in a headlock.
Rizzo 	Get offa me! You're breakin' my legs! Get off, get off!
Gary Cahuenga	Next!
 	Now with Spamela…
Gary Cahuenga	Okay, now you ask me, “Who was that lady I saw you with last night?”
Spamela 	Uh – are you talking to me?
Gary Cahuenga	(chuckles) Yes, sunshine. You ask me, “Who was that lady I saw you with last night?”
Spamela 	But, I wasn't with a lady. I was watching wrestling with the boys.
Gary Cahuenga	Alright. That's it. That's it. I'm gettin' out of here. I'm never gonna find a new partner in this madhouse.
Rizzo 	Whoa, whoa, Gary, I think you're being a little unfair here. I mean, this place is a lot of things, but it is not a madhouse.
==The Johnny Fiama Show==
 	A “Please Stand By” test pattern is shown.
A. Ligator 	Now we join The Johnny Fiama Show already in progress.
 	Johnny sits at a desk a la Letterman, holding an index card.
Johnny 	Ha ha, a-and I tell you, I-I can't believe the hits I'm takin' in the newspapers these days. I mean, the critics are accusin' me, of rippin' off David Letterman. Well, what kinda garbage is that?
 	He tosses the card and causes something to shatter.
Johnny 	Yeah, whatever. Anyway, look, uh, before we get to the stupid Muppet tricks, let's do a little thing we call, “Sal on the Street”. Sal, can you hear me?
 	Sal is shown on a TV monitor, at a laundromat.
Sal 	Yeah, yeah, Johnny! This headset's workin' real good!
Johnny 	Now Sal, go – go into the laundromat behind you there.
Sal 	Oh. Oh, okay, Johnny, I'm goin'.
Johnny 	Alright. Now, the idea of this bit, folks, is that, uh, Sal walks up to a stranger, and says whatever I tell him to say! Ha ha ha ha! Okay - oh, Sal! Sal, the guy behind you is perfect.
 	Johnny notices a tall man behind Sal.
Sal 	Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. okay, okay.
Johnny 	Alright. Okay, now slip the bikini into his laundry.
Sal 	(does so) Oh, that's good, Johnny! That's good!
Johnny 	Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, now say, “Hey pretty boy, you wear that to the beach, or just around the house?”
Sal 	Hey pretty boy, you wear that to the beach, or just around the house?
Evander Holyfield	This ain't mines. (sets it aside)
Sal 	What do I say? What do I say?
Johnny 	Okay, now, now say, uh, “Yeah, I guess you're right. You look more like the frilly, lacy type.”
Sal 	I guess you're right! You look more like the frilly, lacy type!
 	He laughs, then gets a washing machine door slammed in his face. Johnny cracks up.
Johnny 	Oh, oh. I'm laughin' so hard! I'm gonna wet my pants! Ha ha ha ha! Alright, Sal. Look, look, you tell this guy that that was a lucky shot, and, and, and I bet you couldn't do it again. Go ahead.
Sal 	I don't think I should say that, Johnny.
Johnny 	Sal, you're killin' the bit!
Sal 	Oh, okay, Johnny, I wouldn't want to kill the bit.
Johnny 	Yeah. Go ahead, say it!
Sal 	That was a lucky shot.
Johnny 	“I bet you couldn't do it again”!
Sal 	I bet you couldn't do that again - OW!
 	He gets shoved into the washing machine, and gets tossed with the rest of the laundry. Johnny cracks up.
Sal 	Hey, Johnny … can I come home … now?
Johnny 	No, no - in a minute, Sal.
Sal 	(gets out, dazed) Oh, Johnny, I think something's busted.
Johnny 	Look, I want you to tell him for me, uh, “With your face, you look like you went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson”. Ha ha ha!
Sal 	Really?
Johnny 	Say it! Go on!
Sal 	Please, please, sir, please don't take this the wrong way, but …
Johnny 	Yeah?
Sal 	… with your face, you look like you went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
Evander Holyfield	Actually, I stopped him in the 11th round.
Sal 	Huh?
Evander Holyfield	I'm Evander Holyfield.
Johnny 	Evander Holyfield? Okay, okay, bit's over, Sal!
Sal 	Uh, but Johnny…
Johnny 	RUN!
Evander Holyfield	Who are you talking to?
Johnny 	D-don't say anything.
Sal 	Oh, alright, Johnny.
Evander Holyfield	Johnny who?
Sal 	Uh, Johnny Fiama. He made me say all that stuff.
Evander Holyfield	He did?
Sal 	Yeah.
Evander Holyfield	I think I'd like to meet Johnny Fiama.
Johnny 	Okay. Hey, hey, hey. Good night, everybody! You've been great!
Sal 	Hey, hey, why don't you come back to the station with me?
Johnny 	Ma, lock the front door! I'm coming through the back!
Sal 	No, no, I can show you Johnny's house.
Evander Holyfield	I'd like that.
 	Johnny runs for it as the band plays. Switch back to Statler and Waldorf.
Statler 	Boy, I'm sure glad we're up here.
Waldorf 	Why is that?
Statler 	Because after seeing that, I really need a lift!
 	They chuckle.
Waldorf 	We're going to go out on that joke?
Statler 	No, we're going out on this one!
 	He hits Waldorf with a ski, knocking him out of the lift.
Statler 	That looks like fun. Whoa! (jumps out)
==Gary jumps==
 	Clifford reads the script in the control room. Rizzo runs in, leaping over the wall.
Clifford 	Aw, man, Gonzo's right. This script IS excitin'! Any second now, Rizzo's gonna come runnin' in and say …
Rizzo 	CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD! (pants) Pardon me! CLIFFORD! Hyahh! Oh, Clifford! Uh, Gary Cahuenga is up on the roof, and he's threatening to jump! What are we gonna do?
Clifford 	Aw, man, this is bad, bad! Hey, I know! We'll check the script.
Rizzo 	Oh, oh, yeah, I say uh, I say uh – “Clifford, what should we do?“
Clifford 	“I know what to do, but I'm gonna need Penn and Teller's kelp.” Kelp?
Rizzo 	(stammers)
Clifford 	Why would Penn and Teller have kelp?
Rizzo 	Oh, no, I think that's a typo. It's meant to say “help”.
Clifford 	Oh. Well then we're in better shape than I thought.
Rizzo 	Come on!
 	They go outside, where a crowd assembles, begging Gary not to jump off.
Rizzo 	Oh no!
Clifford 	Hold on, Gary!
Whatnot (BB) 	No! Somebody stop him! Somebody's gotta go up there and stop him!
Kermit 	Gary! Don't do it, Gary! Don't jump!
Clifford 	Yeah, ya big dummy! We love you!
Gary Cahuenga 	You don't love me! You just met me!
Clifford 	Well - well, we don't mind ya.
Gary Cahuenga 	Oh, let's face it! There's no place for me in this crazy, mixed-up, nose ring world of yours! I'm jumpin'! Now spread out! Don't fight over the toothpicks!
Kermit & others	No, no, no, Gary, don't do it!
Penn 	(booming voice) Gary!
Gary Cahuenga 	Huh?
 	An image of Teller is beamed into the sky; Teller wears a disguise and lip-synchs to Penn's voice.
Penn 	Gary! Wait, Gary! Don't jump!
Gary Cahuenga 	Uh, who are you?
Penn 	Your old partner, Chick!
Gary Cahuenga 	You don't look like Chick to me.
Penn 	Well, that's because …
 	The indoor setup is revealed.
Penn 	… you go through a complete makeover after you die, 'cause whoa, when you die, you – you don't look too good!
Gary Cahuenga 	Well, that does make sense.
Penn 	It does? – Of course it does! Now, stop questioning me, and listen to the truth from beyond the grave! Grave! Grave!
Gary Cahuenga 	Nice echo.
Penn 	Ooh! Listen, Gary! Maybe you should step back, and give these Muppets a chance!
Gary Cahuenga 	But I need a partner, Chick!
Penn 	Oh, no no no no no no no! You don't, Gary! That's – the way life is! It's like you always told me, “When you buy the donut, you buy the hole!”
Gary Cahuenga 	Wow! You're right, Chick! It's all so clear to me now! I've been such a fool!
Penn 	Ho ho - oh, I agree with you on that one. Well, I must go now! And remember, every time my lips don't move, I … will think … of you!
Gary Cahuenga 	Chick? Chick! Chick, where are ya? Hey, fellas, did you see that? Chick was here, and he was talkin' to me!
Kermit 	Uh - uh - uh -
Gary Cahuenga 	I'm not kidding! Chick was right here –
 	Gary leans over and falls. They try to get under him with a board.
Kermit 	Try to catch him, guys, but be careful!
 	Gary lands on the board, unharmed.
Gary Cahuenga 	Great catch, fellas. You guys could play for the Brooklyn Dodgers.
Clifford 	Brooklyn Dodgers? Should we tell him?
Kermit 	Nah, he's had enough shocks for one day.
Gary Cahuenga 	Hey, fellas, I wanna thank you for savin' me, but I gotta run. It's a brand new world out there to explore, and I think I'm gonna start by getting my nose drilled.
 	They all laugh. Kermit and Clifford go back inside.
Kermit 	Penn, Teller! Hey, thanks a lot, you guys. Whatever you did really convinced Gary Cahuenga to stick around with us for awhile.
Penn 	That's what we do! We're professional swindlers, liars, rip-off artistes!
Clifford 	Alright, don't forget cheats.
Penn 	Oh yeah. Thanks. Cheats. Cheats.
Clifford 	Hey, I got one question though. How'd you know about the donut hole thing that Gary used to say?
Penn 	Clifford, WE read the script.
 	Teller displays the script, then tosses it.
Clifford 	Uh huh.
==Epilogue==
 	Johnny Fiama's home, day. Evander knocks at the front door. Johnny answers, dressed as an old lady.
Johnny 	Oh, my back. Oh, uh, buona sera.
Evander Holyfield	Good evening, ma'am. I was told that Johnny Fiamo lives here.
Johnny 	Oh, uh, n-no, Johnny, don't live here no more. Uh, he find a nice Italian-a girl, and he move to China!
Evander Holyfield	If he come back, tell him Evander Holyfield is looking for him.
Johnny 	Oh, okay, Evander, but, uh, I don't think I ever gonna see him again. Haha, bye-bye now, ciao!
Mama Fiama 	Who's that at the door, Johnny? Wha - oh, what are you doin' in-a my dress?
Johnny 	Ma, not now.
Mama Fiama 	Y-y-you dress like-a girl! What'sa that on-a your head? (rips off his wig) Give me that!
Johnny 	Ma! Oh, marone! Oh, get out of the way! (runs off)
Evander Holyfield	Come here, Fiama!
 	Evander enters the house, and a large commotion is heard inside. Evander exits as Mama is heard, still beating her son.
Mama Fiama 	Take that! He's lucky I don't have-a my spoon!
Johnny 	Stop, ma!
Evander Holyfield	Madhouse! That woman is crazy! (walks off)
 	The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Bobo and Gary, Clifford and Gonzo, Gary and Beaker, and Statler and Waldorf.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts