Transcripts/The Grasshopper Experiment

==Season 1 - Episode 08 - The Grasshopper Experiment==
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Sheldon 	Damn you, walletnook.com.
Leonard 	Problem?
Sheldon 	The online description was completely misleading, they said eight slots plus removable ID, to any rational person that would mean room for nine cards, but they don't tell you the removable ID takes up one slot, it's a nightmare.
Leonard 	Okay, now, do you really need the honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon 	It's been in every wallet I’ve owned since I was five.
Leonard 	Why?
Sheldon 	It says keep this on your person at all times. (Knock on door) It's right here under Batman's signature.
Raj 	And this is Leonard and Sheldon's apartment.
Howard 	Guess whose parents just got broadband?
Raj 	May I present, live from New Delhi, Dr and Mrs V. M. Koothrappali.
Leonard 	Hi.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Lift up the camera. I'm looking at his crotch.
Raj 	Sorry papa.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Oh, there's much better. Hi.
Leonard 	Hi!
Raj 	And over here is Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Hi.
Raj 	He lives with Leonard.
Mrs. Koothrappali	Oh, that's nice. Like Haroun and Tanweer.
Raj 	No, no, not like Haroun and Tanweer.
Mrs. Koothrappali	Such sweet young men, they just adopted the cutest little Punjabi baby.
Leonard 	Yeah, we’re not like Haroun and Tanweer!
Dr. Koothrappali 	So are you boys academics like our son?
Together 	Yes.
Dr. Koothrappali 	And your parents are comfortable with your limited earning potential?
Together 	Not at all.
Raj 	Papa, please don't start.
Dr. Koothrappali 	God, it's just a question, he's so sensitive.
Raj 	Okay, that's my life, that's my friends, good to see you, say goodbye.
Together 	Bye!
Dr. Koothrappali 	Wait, wait. Before you go we have good news. Put the computer down and gather your friends.
Raj 	What is it papa.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Friends.
Howard 	(As they gather) Is it just me, or does webchatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless.
Mrs. Koothrappali	Rajesh, do you remember Lalita Gupta?
Raj 	The little fat girl that used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable.
Mrs. Koothrappali	Yes. Well, now she's a dental student at USC, so we gave her your contact information.
Raj 	Why did you do that?
Dr. Koothrappali 	You're 26 years old Rajesh. We want grandchildren.
Raj 	But Papa, I'm not supposed...
Mrs. Koothrappali	Lalita's parents approve the match.
Dr. Koothrappali 	If you decide on a spring wedding, we can avoid monsoon season.
Raj 	Spring wedding?
Mrs. Koothrappali	It's up to you dear, we don't want to meddle.
Raj 	If you don't want to meddle, then why are you meddling?
Sheldon 	If I may, your parents probably don't consider this meddling, while arranged marriages are no longer the norm, Indian parents continue to have a greater than average involvement in their children's lives.
Raj 	Why are you telling me about my own culture?
Sheldon 	You seemed confused.
Raj 	Sorry, Mommy, Papa, but with all due respect I really can't go through...
Mrs. Koothrappali	Sorry darling, we have to go. Doogie Howser is on. Grandma, it's Doogie time! Bye bye.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Bye bye.
Raj 	I don't believe it.
Howard 	Neither do I. Doogie Howser's been off the air for like twenty years.
Leonard 	Actually, I read somewhere that it's one of the most popular programs in India.
Sheldon 	It might speak to a cultural aspiration to have one's children enter the medical profession.
Leonard 	I bet you're right.
Howard 	I bet they love Scrubs.
Sheldon 	What's not to love?
Raj 	Excuse me, hello? My parents are trying to marry me off to a total stranger, what am I going to do?
Sheldon 	I suggest you go through with it.
Raj 	What?
Sheldon 	Romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well.
Howard 	It's the entire premise of Fiddler on the Roof.
Leonard 	I'm not a big fan of musicals, but I love that show.
Howard 	Me too. Of course, it speaks to me culturally.
Sheldon 	Understandable, but there's a universality to that story which transcends ethnicity.
Howard 	Let's not forget it's got some really catchy tunes.
All 	(various noises of agreement)
Raj 	Okay, I know what I'm going to do.
Leonard 	What?
Raj 	Find new friends.
Howard 	So who wants to rent Fiddler?
Sheldon 	No need, we have the special edition.
Leonard 	Well, maybe we are like Haroun and Tanweer.
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Sheldon 	(On phone) This is Dr Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium. Yeah, well I'm sorry too, but there's just no room for you in my wallet. Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History and, frankly, you don't have dinosaurs. Well I'll miss you too, bye bye. Okay, I know you're texting about me, and I'd really like you to stop.
Raj 	(Entering) Oh dear, I am rightly and truly screwed.
Leonard 	Hey, I thought you were finding new friends.
Raj 	I’ve got some feelers out. In the meantime, listen to this.
Lalita 	(Voice from Raj’s phone) Hi Rajesh, this is Lalita Gupta. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So I'm calling you, and, ah... call me back. Bye.
Raj 	Can you believe how pushy she is?
Leonard 	So don't call her.
Raj 	If I don't call her, I won't hear the end of it from my parents.
Leonard 	So call her.
Raj 	How can I call her, you know I can't talk to women.
Leonard 	I'm done, anybody else?
Howard 	Give me the phone.
Raj 	Why?
Howard 	Just give it to me. (Dials)
Raj 	What are you doing?
Howard 	Don't worry, you'll thank me. (In a fake Indian accent) Hello Lalita, Raj Koothrappali. (Raj starts to chase Howard across the room.) Yes it is good to talk to you too. So, what are you wearing. Oh, not important, so, anyhow, when would you like to meet. Friday works for me. And I call you with the time and place, but in the meantime, keep it real babe. (In own voice) You may now thank me.
Raj 	For what, making me sound like a Simpsons character?
Howard 	Fine, next time make your own date.
Raj 	I didn't want to make this one.
Leonard 	Look on the bright side, she might turn out to be a nice, beautiful girl.
Raj 	Great, then we'll get married, I won't be able to talk to her, and we'll spend the rest of our lives in total silence.
Howard 	Worked for my parents.
Penny 	(Knocking and entering) Hi guys.
Leonard 	Oh, hey.
Penny 	I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon 	Okay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try, but if your research is going to have human applications may I suggest white mice instead, their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny 	I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard 	His mom's been saying that for years. What's up?
Penny 	Well, I finally convinced the restaurant to give me a bar tending shift, so I need to practice making drinks.
Leonard 	Oh, great, well the key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
Sheldon 	With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example.
Penny 	So Leonard, how about it?
Leonard 	Look, Penny, we'd love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now. And besides, he doesn't drink, so... (Raj whispers in his ear) Really? Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now and he'd like to take up drinking.
Scene 	Apartment 4B
Penny 	Okay, here you go, Leonard, one tequila sunrise.
Leonard 	Thank you. This drink is a wonderful example of how liquids with different specific gravities interact in a cylindrical container. Thank you.
Penny 	Okay, Raj, what'll it be? (Raj whispers in Leonard’s ear.)
Leonard 	Whatever you recommend.
Penny 	Uh, how about a grasshopper. I make a mean grasshopper. Okay? Good. Coming up. Sheldon, what are you going to have?
Sheldon 	I'll have a diet coke.
Penny 	Okay, can you please order a cocktail, I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon 	Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba libre.
Penny 	That's, um, rum and coke without the rum.
Sheldon 	Yes,
Penny 	So coke.
Sheldon 	Yes. And would you make it diet?
Penny 	There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon 	A Cuba libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny 	Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon 	Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
Penny 	Okay, Raj, here you go. Alright, who's next?
Howard 	I'd like to try a slippery nipple.
Penny 	Okay, you're cut off. Anybody need a refill?
Raj 	Where did my life go, Penny? One day I'm a carefree bachelor, and the next I'm married and driving a minivan to peewee cricket matches in suburban New Delhi.
Penny 	A... are you talking to me?
Raj 	Is there another Penny here? I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astro-physics. But with a penis, of course.
Leonard 	It's amazing.
Raj 	Ever since I was a little boy my father wanted me to be a gynaecologist like him. How can I be a gynaecologist, I can barely look a woman in the eye. You know what, I'm not going to let my parents control my future any longer, it's time for a showdown. Somebody give me a computer with a webcam.
Penny 	Okay, sweetie, I think that's the grasshopper talking.
Raj 	And it's about to tell my parents that I'm not riding an elephant down the aisle with Lalita Gupta.
Penny 	Okay, calm down, no-one can make you get married. Why don't you just meet this girl and, see what happens.
Raj 	Haven't you been listening to me, I cannot talk to women.
Leonard 	Um... Raj.
Howard 	No, no, let's see how long it takes him.
Penny 	Um, Raj, honey, you say you can't talk to women but... you've been talking to me.
Sheldon 	And now we'll never know.
Raj 	You're right. I... I am talking to you. Hello Penny, how are you?
Penny 	I'm fine.
Raj 	Okay, now I just need to make sure I have a Lalita before I meet the grasshopper. It's a sweet green miracle.
Penny 	Okay, if you're going to drink on this date just promise me you won't overdo it.
Raj 	Overdo what? Happiness? Freedom? This warm glow inside of me that promises everything is going to be all hunky donkey?
Penny 	Yeah, that. Uh, why don't you bring her to my restaurant when I'm tending the bar so I can keep an eye on you?
Raj 	Okay.
Leonard 	Wait a minute, what's the plan here? Let's say he meets her and he likes her and they get married, what's he going to do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?
Howard 	Worked for my parents.
Scene 	The restaurant.
Raj 	I can't believe I'm sitting here next to little Lalita Gupta.
Lalita 	Well, you are.
Raj 	Little Lalita. That's kind of fun to say. Little Lalita, Little Lalita, Little Lalita, you should try it.
Lalita 	No, it's okay.
Raj 	You have lost so much weight! That must have been difficult for you because you were so, so fat! Do you remember?
Lalita 	Yes, I do.
Raj 	Of course you do. Who could forget being that fat?
Lalita 	Well, I’ve been trying.
Raj 	So you're a dental student? Hmm, are you aware that dentists have an extremely high suicide rate? Not as high as, say, air traffic controllers, but then there are far more dentists than air traffic controllers, so in pure numbers you're still winning.
Lalita 	Yay me!
Leonard 	(To Penny) You have a drink that’ll make him less obnoxious?
Penny 	Drinks do not work that way.
Howard 	I'd say he was doing fine, look at her, last girl my mom set me up with had a moustache and a vestigial tail.
Sheldon 	Sorry I'm late.
Leonard 	What happened?
Sheldon 	Nothing, I just really didn't want to come. Virgin diet Cuba libre please.
Penny 	Okay.
Sheldon 	In a tall glass, with a lime wedge.
Penny 	Oh, I'll wedge it right in there.
Sheldon 	So, how's Koothrappali d.... oh my Lord.
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	That's Princess Punchali.
Leonard 	I'm pretty sure her name's Lalita.
Sheldon 	No, no, Princess Punchali from The Monkey and the Princess.
Howard 	Oh, yeah, I tried to watch that online, but they wanted a credit card.
Sheldon 	It's a children's story.
Howard 	Oh, no it isn't.
Sheldon 	When I was a little boy and got sick, which was most of the time, my mother would read it to me. It's about an Indian princess who befriends a monkey, who was mocked by all the other monkeys because he was different. For some reason I related to it quite strongly.
Penny 	I know the reason.
Leonard 	We all know the reason. Sheldon, what are you getting at?
Sheldon 	That woman looks exactly like the pictures of Princess Punchali in the book. How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?
Howard 	Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland you can hire Snow White to come to your house. Course they prefer it if you have a kid, but...
Raj 	Hey guys. This is Lalita Gupta, Lalita this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny. Isn't it great, she isn't fat any more!
Sheldon 	Forgive me your highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb. I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
Lalita 	I'm sorry?
Sheldon 	You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Punchali.
Lalita 	Oh, no kidding? Oh, who is that?
Sheldon 	A beloved character from an Indian folk tale.
Lalita 	Oh. Us Indian, or “come to our casino” Indian?
Sheldon 	You Indian.
Lalita 	Oh.
Sheldon 	The resemblance is remarkable. I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
Lalita 	Thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too.
Sheldon 	I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
Lalita 	Really, so do I.
Raj 	But you're a dentist, he's nuts.
Lalita 	Don't be insulting Rajesh. So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
Sheldon 	It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars, and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
Lalita 	Oh my.
Raj 	Back off Sheldon.
Sheldon 	What?
Raj 	If you do not stop hitting on my lady you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
Sheldon 	I'm not hitting on her.
Lalita 	And I am not your lady.
Howard 	And you have no wrath.
Raj 	You are my lady. Our parents said so. We are for all intents and purposes one hundred percent hooked up.
Lalita 	Okay, let's get something straight here. The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case, I certainly don't need to be getting this old world crap from you.
Sheldon 	Exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Punchali led the monkeys to freedom.
Raj 	Oh, screw Princess Punchali.
Lalita 	Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
Raj 	But you're not Princess Punchali.
Sheldon 	Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
Lalita 	Sheldon, are you hungry?
Sheldon 	I could eat.
Lalita 	Let's go.
Raj 	What just happened?
Leonard 	Beats the hell out of me.
Howard 	I'll tell you what just happened, I just learned how to pick up Indian chicks.
Scene 	Apartment 4A. Raj is talking to his parents on the webcam.
Mrs. Koothrappali	What are we supposed to say to Lalita's parents?
Dr. Koothrappali 	I play golf with her father, I won't be able to look at him.
Raj 	Maybe you should keep your eye on the ball, Papa.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Oh, now you're a funny man? This is not funny, Mr Funny Man.
Leonard 	Doctor and Mrs. Koothrappali, in all fairness, it wasn't entirely Raj's fault.
Dr. Koothrappali 	This is a family matter Sheldon.
Leonard 	No, I'm Leonard.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Oh, sorry, you all look alike to us.
Raj 	But he's right, Papa, listen to him. (Sheldon enters) You! You are the one who ruined everything!
Mrs. Koothrappali	Who is it? We can't see.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Turn us, turn us.
Raj 	Go ahead, tell my parents why they won't have any grandchildren.
Sheldon 	How would I know, do you have a low sperm count?
Raj 	This has nothing to do with my sperm count.
Mrs. Koothrappali	You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren't you Rajesh.
Raj 	Yes Mommy.
Mrs. Koothrappali	Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear the tidy whities.
Raj 	Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.
Sheldon 	What did I do?
Leonard 	You left with his date. Friends don't do that to each other.
Sheldon 	Oh. Alright, noted. Sorry.
Raj 	Sorry? That's all you can say is sorry?
Leonard 	Take it, Raj. It's more than I’ve ever gotten.
Sheldon 	And may I point out she wouldn't have asked me to go with her if you hadn't been drunk and boring.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Drunk?
Sheldon 	And boring, her words.
Dr. Koothrappali 	I knew it, he moves to America and becomes an alcoholic.
Raj 	I'm not an alcoholic.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Then why were you drunk?
Raj 	It was just this one time, Papa, I swear.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Are you in denial? Do we have to come over and do an intervention?
Mrs. Koothrappali	Don't embarrass him in front of his friends.
Dr. Koothrappali 	Alright. Carry us outside, we want to talk to you in private.
Raj 	But Papa, please....
Dr. Koothrappali 	Now, Rajesh.
Raj 	(to Leonard and Sheldon) I have to go.   
Dr. Koothrappali 	Now listen to me....
Raj 	Please wait until I get into the hall.
Sheldon 	Okay, well, good night.
Leonard 	Hold on. What happened with you and Lalita?
Sheldon 	We ate. She lectured me on the link between gum disease and heart attacks, nothing I didn't already know, and I came home.
Leonard 	So you're not going to see her again?
Sheldon 	Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist. (Exits)
Leonard 	I wonder who's going to tell his parents they're not having grandchildren.
Scene 	Penny’s restaurant. Sheldon is on the piano, singing “To Life” from Fiddler on the Roof enthusiastically.
Leonard 	I don't believe it, what's gotten into him?
Penny 	Oh, maybe a couple of virgin Cuba libres that turned out to be kind of ... slutty.
Leonard 	You didn't?
Penny 	Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)