Happily N'Ever After/Transcript

Evildoers of our kingdom... we're always the losers, the bad guys. Is that fair? No. Starting tonight... I give you happily n'ever after!
 
Hold it, hold it, hold it!
 
Rick (voice): Would the owner of a light blue coach with "Narnia" plates please move your vehicle? You're parked in a "Trolls Only" zone. Thank you.
 
While I have your attention,
you see that there?
 
That's what we call a "wicked stepmother."
Feel free to boo.
 
I know what you're thinking.
Who put a wicked stepmother in charge?
 
Were there free elections?
Any chance of a recount?
 
You know what?
Let's go back a little...
 
and I'll give you
the lowdown on Fairytale Land.
 
Yeah, the name's kind of corny...
 
but we had to call it something,
and "Canada" was already taken.
 
So, anyway, in this tower
high above the prince's palace...
 
is what you might call the Department
of Fairytale Land Security.
 
This is where all the stories-
you know the ones-
 
Rapunzel...
 
Sleeping Beauty...
 
the Frog Prince-
 
are watched over by a wizard.
 
And his job is to make sure
every fairy tale goes by the book...
 
right up to their happy endings.
 
And that's why he has these:
 
the scales of good and evil.
 
See that? They have
a little pointer and everything.
 
As long he keeps those things
in balance, the stories never change...
 
and the endings
stay happy, happy, happy.
 
The wizard also has two assistants:
Munk and Mambo.
 
Munk's the guy who sees
the glass as half empty.
 
Mambo's the guy who...
probably peed in the glass.
 
You know what I'm talking about-
a world-class troublemaker.
 
Yeah. These are the guys you want to
trust your happy ending to.
 
Here's our story.
 
Remember her?
She was the one with the whole...
 
"Evil, evil, blah, blah, blah"
speech a minute ago.
 
Anyway, let me fill you in
on everyone in this particular tale.
 
We've got one wicked stepmother...
 
and two ugly stepsisters.
 
Delicate flowers of womanhood.
 
One fairy godmother.
 
I think she's a couple Hansels short
of a Gretel. You know what I'm sayin'?
 
One Prince Charming.
 
Hold the charm.
 
And then there's one fair maiden.
 
Ella.
 
You probably know her
as Cinderella...
 
but she's always been Ella to me.
 
She's in love with
that prince you just saw.
 
What does Ella see in Prince
Potato Head? I have no idea.
 
But just look at her.
 
She's so beautiful.
 
A girl like that could never
fall for an ordinary guy like-
 
So, you might be wondering
by now who I am.
 
Have a look.
 
No, not Blondie McBiceps.
 
No. Look to the left.
 
Keep going.
 
There I am. You know
the Cinderella story, right?
 
Remember Rick the servant?
 
Of course you don't. I'm the guy
who polishes the prince's boots.
 
I'm the guy who washes
his dishes and serves his meals...
 
and does his laundry
and flosses his teeth.
 
You know what kind of happy
ending the royal flosser gets?
 
Right.
 
None.
 
So, that's everyone important-
and me.
 
Okay, let's see the title now.
 
Happier music, please.
 
So here we are,
the day of the prince's ball.
 
I managed to swipe some mail
from the royal messenger's bag...
 
so I'd have an excuse to visit Ella.
 
Hello? Oh, Rick, it's you.
 
I'm sorry to be
such a disappointment.
 
No, no. I was expecting
the royal messenger.
 
With these?
 
They're here!
 
Did you see him today?
What was he wearing?
 
One for my stepmother,
two for my stepsisters...
 
and none for me.
 
Wait. What's that?
 
You've got somethin'... here.
 
I'm invited too!
Just like I've dreamed about.
 
The royal ball.
And he'll be there in his royal shirt-
 
And his royal boots-
which Rick spent two hours polishing.
 
And it was a royal pain in the butt.
 
I may even
get to dance with him tonight.
 
Gosh! Wouldn't that be super?
 
He's dreamy.
 
The prince!
 
- The invitations! They're here!
- Move it!
 
Give it! It's mine!
 
Out of my way!
 
- Mom totally hates you.
- She hates you more.
 
Nuh-uh. You.
 
You totally ripped my coiffure.
 
Knock it off!
 
Great. Here comes the dragon lady.
 
- You started it.
- Did not!
 
- Did too!
- You so did.
 
Shut up. She's coming.
 
It takes hours
to get you looking like that.
 
Now we have to do the whole
thing all over again.
 
And you.
 
Hand them over.
 
Come on. Come on.
Cough it up.
 
I am invited, Stepmother.
 
If she goes,
she'll just embarrass us.
 
- She has nothing to wear.
- Now, girls...
 
of course Cinderelly may go.
 
Unfortunately, she has
a few things to do before the ball.
 
First, she has to polish my shoes...
 
then cook us a pot roast,
whiten the bathtubs...
 
shampoo the cat,
reshingle the roof...
 
give the carriage a lube job-
 
Shall I continue?
 
Ella, say no.
You don't have to put up with that.
 
Get back to the kitchen.
 
You're not her Prince Charming.
 
You're the dishwasher.
 
I am not.
I do laundry... too.
 
Ella isn't the only one
who's worked up about the ball.
 
The prince is so excited
it's almost like he has a personality.
 
The same as always, Your Highness?
 
Not too much off the front.
 
Everything must be perfect.
 
Tonight's the night
I meet my damsel.
 
It says so right here in the book.
 
Princely Rule Book, Section 12:
"On his 21st birthday...
 
every prince must
host a ball to find a damsel...
 
preferably blonde,
who is either imprisoned...
 
cursed or distressed."
 
Mambo: Great. Our downstairs neighbor, the Airhead Formerly Known As Prince. There's gotta be something better on. There's Rapunzel...single-handedly keeping the kingdom's shampoo industry in the black. Apparently, her people have yet to master scissor technology. Little Red Riding Hood. Every wolf's favorite between-meals snack. And then there's Rumpelstiltskin. Still trying to get the baby. Don't ask me why he wants a baby. Messy diapers and the drooling and the this and the- [raspberry]
 
Munk: Can we limit the editorializing?
Wizard: Munk. Mambo. It's time for my vacation.
 
- I'm off to Scotland.
- Why?
 
Wizard: Remember what I taught you. You have to maintain the balance between good and evil.
 
- Don't worry, boss.
- We're pros here.
 
- We're your assistants.
- Actually, I'm senior assistant.
 
What? Just 'cause he hired you 300 years
before me, that makes you senior?
 
Does he know he's wearing a skirt?
 
That's better.
 
Now, guys,
no fooling around with the scales.
 
Same for the staff.
No turning lead into gold...
 
no giving yourself
huge pectoral muscles, Mambo.
 
Hey. It was a onetime thing, okay?
 
And keep a special eye on Cinderella.
 
She'll be downstairs
at the prince's ball tonight.
 
Everything will go by the book.
 
- Just like it always does.
- Munk, open the portal.
 
Yes, Your Wizardry.
 
And remember.
 
Keep your eyes on the ball.
 
Fore!
 
How do you like that? I'm a prince
of portals! A master of magic!
 
Big deal. You're the doorman.
Door pig. Hippo thingy.
 
You know what you are.
 
Can we get to work, please?
 
Ricky, where have you been?
 
You have to wash the dishes
for the prince's ball.
 
You went to see Ella again,
didn't you?
 
What does she see
in that loser prince?
 
She doesn't even know the guy. I have
to deal with him every day of my life.
 
She is a prince dreamer, mon frère.
 
- You're gonna get nowhere with her.
- Shut up.
 
I'm not trying to get anywhere.
She's a friend.
 
I know what kind of friend
you're talking about.
 
I need a friend like that,
my friend. I tell you, huh?
 
Oui. With friends like that,
why do you need enemies?
 
Gentlemen!
 
The prince is furious.
He demands his cranberry juice.
 
- No!
- Not the cake!
 
Vanilla.
 
Come on, girls. Think prince.
 
- Don't work too hard.
- Missed a spot.
 
See you at the ball.
 
As if.
 
Ella.
 
Remember.
Shampoo and condition the cat.
 
And don't forget to swab out
its sores. It loves that.
 
Oops. Sorry.
 
Weepy, weepy,
cry, cry, cry, sob.
 
And then,
fairy godmother to the rescue.
 
I love this part.
 
"Don't cry, child."
 
Don't cry, child.
 
I'm your fairy godmother.
 
I have come to grant
your wish to be a real boy.
 
What?
 
- You're Cinderella, right?
- Yeah.
 
Then let's get you ready for the ball.
 
That's not right.
 
Nice.
 
Yes.
 
Here we go.
 
Sassy!
 
Oops.
 
- Yes.
- Wow.
 
- You look beautiful, Salmonella.
- It's Cinderella.
 
Cinderella going to the ball-again.
 
Sleeping Beauty, still asleep.
 
Somebody get her
a double espresso, please.
 
And get me a triple.
 
You have but three chances
to guess my name...
 
and if you fail,
your baby shall be mine!
 
Rumpelstiltskin,
still going for custody.
 
I think he wants weekends, right?
 
Always the same thing.
The good guys win.
 
And what do you want to have happen?
 
Rumpelstiltskin gets the baby?
 
Cinderella stays a maid?
 
I just wish we could mix it up
a little bit...
 
make it a little edgier.
 
Then let 'em have
their happy endings.
 
We are not tipping the scales of good
and evil so you can be entertained.
 
What if we made the seven
dwarves seven feet tall and-
 
- No way.
- What about making Rapunzel go bald?
 
Forget it.
 
Couldn't we just give her
split ends...
 
or dandruff
or a mullet or something?
 
What about that?
 
Look at me. I'm Munk.
 
Mambo, get down!
 
I am Munk, and my nostrils show.
 
I've got dandruff and bad BO.
 
Stop fooling around.
You're gonna break it.
 
Munk is a bossy know-it-all...
 
with a butt the size
of a shopping mall.
 
Stop it. That's enough!
 
All right, girls.
We're almost at the ball.
 
- What are you doing?
- Give me that perfume!
 
- It's mine!
- I need it more!
 
- No, I do!
- I smell like camel sweat.
 
- I smell like a dead pig. Smell me!
- Knock it off!
 
Can't you two pretend to be
human beings for one night?
 
- Hurry up, slowpoke!
- Ow!
 
Who am I kidding?
 
These girls are hopeless.
 
A donkey would have a better
chance of marrying the prince.
 
I'm never gonna get ahead
in the world if I count on them.
 
There has to be another way.
 
And he's running!
It's Mambo by a mile!
 
You spin it off that stand,
you are in big trouble!
 
I'm dancin'.
I'm dancin'.
 
I'm skatin'! I'm skatin'!
I'm backwards skatin', backwards skatin'.
 
Not so easy. Not so easy.
 
What?
 
I told you to be careful!
 
- This is powerful magic!
- Oh, boy.
 
These things control the fate
of the entire kingdom!
 
Powerful magic?
 
The fate of the kingdom?
 
Girls, Mama's gonna take matters
into her own hands.
 
Don't wait up.
 
Mother!
 
Left. Left, left.
 
Right, right. Down, down, down.
More down. Downer.
 
- I'm calling the boss.
- Why?
 
Why? We fixed it. You fixed it.
 
We fixed it, 'cause I did the "down,
down, down, left" part, which helped.
 
Yes or no?
 
Don't call the boss!
 
Forty flights of steps in heels?
 
This had better be good.
 
"Chapter Four. How a prince
must behave at the ball.
 
One: Smile at maidens."
 
Hello.
 
"Two: Look heroic."
 
Yes.
 
"Three: Be 'roman tick."'
 
Be "roman tick"?
 
Be romantic!
 
There he is!
 
To one side.
 
Excuse me.
 
He's dreamy.
 
- I like him!
- I love him!
 
Time to meet your prince,
my dear Mozzarella.
 
- It's Cinderella.
- Really? Why'd you change it?
 
Thank you, Fairy Godmother.
 
Remember, it all ends at midnight.
 
Move it.
You are in so much trouble!
 
And what are you gonna do about it?
Turn me into a frog, Mr. Wizard?
 
Do you even know what
you could have done?
 
Yeah, yeah. I know. I could have knocked
over the scales of good and evil...
 
and changed the destiny of
every character in Fairytale Land.
 
Blah, blah, blah.
But I didn't!
 
Hiya, boys.
 
Ouchy mama!
 
What's doing?
 
Frieda?
 
So this is where it all happens.
 
And all this time
I thought it was fate.
 
- You can't be up here.
- What is she doing here?
 
I didn't order a stepmother.
 
Come here, cutie.
Show me those magic arts.
 
Come on, big boy. Teach me.
 
I kind of go for these
power-mad, villainous, evil women.
 
She thinks I'm the wizard.
 
We don't really do workshops.
 
Maybe you can come back
another year?
 
This operation's about to
have a hostile takeover.
 
Just call it a little power play.
 
Man, she is good!
 
- I mean bad.
- Get out!
 
Or I'll zap you into a toad!
 
- Can you zap?
- Just watch me.
 
Baby, I think you're
all yap and no zap.
 
Okay.
 
Now we're flying. I guess when you say
"zapping," you mean "flying."
 
Shut up and drive! I'll open the portal
and get the boss!
 
He'll fix everything!
 
- Don't let her get the staff!
- Let go of it, you little freak.
 
No air bags?
 
Oh, gosh!
 
Mayday! Mayday!
We're going down.
 
Ouch! Fire! Burning!
 
- Hot. Hot, hot. Hot.
- Prepare for grievous bodily harm!
 
Warn me next time you zap.
 
You should totally
fall in love with me!
 
- Nuh-uh. Me.
- I read a book once.
 
A very interesting book.
 
- Who is that?
- Nice slippers.
 
Her feet are so tiny.
 
She's perfect.
 
- Where is she from?
- She's beautiful.
 
What's wrong?
 
I detect the strangest smell
of pumpkin.
 
I like pumpkin.
 
Welcome to
the worst moment of my life.
 
So far.
 
Let's see.
 
Which of my toys
should I play with first?
 
Warm.
 
What's this?
 
My, Grandma.
What big eyes you have.
 
All the better
to see you with, my dear.
 
And what big yellow teeth you have.
 
The better to eat you with!
 
Here they are again.
Interesting.
 
Now let's see if-
 
Rapunzel, Rapunzel,
let down your hair!
 
I wonder what happens if I just-
 
Ow.
 
Ow! I'm on my keys.
 
It's so easy!
Just the touch of a finger.
 
A pajama party.
 
Rumplestiltskin: You have but three chances to guess my name... and if you fail, your baby shall be mine!
 
- Fabio?
Rumplestiltskin: Nope.
 
- Beelzebub?
- No.
 
Rumpel... masashi?
Rumplestiltskin: No.
 
Frieda: Rock-a-bye-bye, baby.
 
Hey. That's my house.
 
And...
 
Ella?
 
Hey, you gotta be kidding me.
That little-
 
She gets the prince...
 
and the palace, and I get nada?
 
Zilch?
 
Nothing?
 
Uh-uh. No way!
 
Not while I'm in charge!
 
Left, right, left.
 
Left, right, left.
Left, right, left.
 
Left, right, left.
 
I don't believe this.
 
How did she get there?
 
And where did she get that dress?
 
And where can I get one? I love
those little ruffles down the front.
 
So, what do you do?
 
Are you a fair maiden, lady-in-waiting,
damsel in distress?
 
I will be, kind of, at midnight.
 
Come on!
 
I think the little princess
needs a makeover!
 
What happened?
 
Sorry.
 
Where did that maiden go?
Did you see her?
 
Maiden!
 
A slipper.
 
Maybe she was the maiden after all.
 
At last. A damsel in distress!
 
Here. Section four,
subparagraph eight.
 
"Once a prince finds his true love,
he may never let her go."
 
I will find you, my love...
 
if I must ride to the ends
of the earth to do so.
 
Your Majesty.
 
Please wait. I'm right...
 
here.
 
I can swim a little!
 
That is the prince?
 
What a loser.
 
Serves her right.
 
If I'm gonna
shake things up around here...
 
I'm gonna need some bad guys.
 
It's time to party!
 
Maybe it's just fireworks?
 
I never seen that before.
 
- Come on. Let's go.
- This way.
 
Yeah, yeah.
 
Something's going down at the palace.
 
Sweet.
 
Death from above!
 
Rick. Oh, my gosh. Rick! Hey.
 
I was dancing with the prince
and my dress disappeared.
 
Okay. So that's too much
information, but thank you.
 
It was supposed to last
till midnight, but it didn't.
 
And then there was this light in the sky.
Something's wrong.
 
- Yeah. I'll say.
- Coming over the bridge! Look!
 
Evildoers of our kingdom!
 
- Hiya!
- Hello.
 
So, guys...
 
ever think there could be
more to life than this?
 
We're always the losers,
the bad guys.
 
Is that fair? No.
 
Ella: Frieda.
Frieda: And who wins? The dorky ingenues and the pretentious princes. From now on, say good-bye to losing. And say hello to winning. Yes to little girls who get eaten by wolves.
 
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
 
Frieda: To princesses who never get their prince! Because starting tonight... I give you... happily n'ever after!
 
Rick (voice): Yeah. This is where you came in. I hate to tell ya, but it gets worse.
 
Yeah, yeah.
 
We demand that you depart this palace at once.
 
Yeah. You heard the man.
 
What you gonna do if we don't?
 
- Let's make guard kabobs.
- Dibs on the chubby one!
 
- This is gonna be great!
- I like to hit things.
 
Ow, ow! Not the face!
 
That was my favorite leg!
 
- Rick, we have to do something.
- Okay. We could get-
 
I know. We'll find the prince.
He's out looking for me now.
 
- We have to find him.
- For what?
 
He's a pretty boy. He just does
whatever his little book says.
 
I'm sure his book
will tell him to save the day.
 
If you think that poser
is gonna save us, you're dreaming.
 
Maybe I am dreaming,
but somehow...
 
I know this wasn't
supposed to happen.
 
It's Frieda.
She's making everything bad.
 
Just like she always has for me,
but for everyone.
 
We need a hero to stop her.
We need the prince.
 
- You mean you need the prince.
- This isn't about me.
 
She's taking over.
 
Yes, it is. It's about you
becoming a princess...
 
so you can move upstairs
and forget people like me exist.
 
You know what?
You're being ridiculous.
 
Ridiculous?
You know what?
 
You need to get out of here.
You're blocking my light.
 
And I've got dishes to wash.
 
Okay.
 
Fine.
 
I don't need you anyway.
 
Go with her, mon ami.
She does need you.
 
For what?
To chase after that jerk?
 
Prince envy.
 
How could we screw up so badly?
 
The wizard will never trust us again.
 
The wizard'll never trust you again.
 
- You knocked over the ball!
- You gave her the staff!
 
A wicked stepmother?
 
With the wizard's staff!
 
She could take over the kingdom!
 
If we don't fix this mess before
the boss gets back from vacation, he'll-
 
He'll turn us into toads
is what he'll do.
 
I like the way I look already.
I don't want to be a frog!
 
What if he makes me look like you?
 
- I know what we need.
- Yeah. A new job.
 
I've seen these tales
a million times...
 
and who is the one guy
that always wins in the end?
 
- The prince!
- Or the simpleton.
 
Exactly. The simpleton.
 
I mean... the prince!
 
Hello?
 
Excuse me.
 
Cinderella?
 
How do you know me? Never mind.
 
Did you guys see
a prince come this way?
 
Six foot 2, perfect body,
perfect face, perfect everything.
 
Why, no. Did you come from
the palace, by any chance?
 
Yes. It was horrible.
 
Trolls, witches.
 
The bad guys have taken over.
 
Who are you guys?
What are you guys?
 
I'm Munk. He's Mambo.
 
We work for the wizard.
We had a little accident.
 
Accident?
 
We let a wicked stepmother
get control of the kingdom's destiny!
 
She has the boss's staff!
 
Okay. Okay. No arguing.
 
Could you guys fix all this and make
everything the way it was meant to be?
 
- Of course.
- But first we'd have to get past Frieda.
 
For which we need the prince.
 
Come with me. I'm looking for him too.
He'll help us save the day.
 
The prince defeats Frieda...
 
we fix the scales
of good and evil...
 
and the boss doesn't have to know!
 
That might actually work.
Let's find the prince.
 
Heck yeah, it'll work! He'll take
that mother down a few steps.
 
Oh, yeah.
 
Hey.
 
Seven billy goats gruff,
medium rare.
 
Three little pigs' ribs...
 
and a cow-that-jumped-over-the-moon
burger...
 
with fries.
 
How's the salad, big guy?
 
- Get you guys a refill on the mead?
- What's your rush, kid?
 
- Sit down.
- Take a load off.
 
- Pour yourself a glass.
- All right.
 
Don't mind if I do.
 
That's the first time
anybody asked me to sit down.
 
I'm melting!
 
- So what's your name, kid?
- Rick.
 
So, are you a good guy
or a bad guy or a what guy?
 
Neither. I work in the kitchen.
 
Let me give you some advice.
 
Around here,
you're either a good guy...
 
or a bad guy.
 
And between you and me...
 
I don't see much future
in being good.
 
Mon frère, what are you doing
hanging around?
 
Those guys are cool. They're not
too good to hang with the help.
 
A good friend does not
let a good friend down.
 
Would you get out of my way?
 
You should be with her,
out there by her side.
 
What for?
 
She wants a prince, remember?
 
"Wizardress."
 
Too hard to say. General?
 
Mistress?
 
Queen of Calamity?
 
Your Highness.
 
Your Lowness.
 
Your Badness.
 
Excuse me, Empress of Evil.
 
"Empress."
 
I like it. Still kind of stuffy,
but beats "stepmother."
 
I've come to offer my services.
 
And why would I need you, shrimp?
 
I'm Rumpelstiltskin.
 
I'm the supremely evil
diabolical mastermind.
 
I have information
about a plot against you.
 
Already? Get out!
 
Wait. Hold on.
 
This info-What do you
want in exchange?
 
I'll become your evil co-wizard.
 
Diabolical vice president.
 
Your malicious creative exec.
 
Dastardly follower
in charge of badness?
 
I stole a baby!
 
That's about as evil as it gets.
 
Okay, okay.
 
Sidekick.
 
Your fear-inspiring,
terrifyingly evil sidekick!
 
Somebody needs a diaper change.
 
Empress...
 
I overheard the wizard's assistants
conspiring in the woods.
 
Those little freaks? Get out.
You are so wasting my time.
 
But they're searching for the prince,
and helping them is a girl.
 
A girl?
 
5'4", dark hair, beautiful...
 
humble clothes,
extremely petite feet-
 
Ella.
 
I hate that girl.
She's so... girlie.
 
Your Majesty?
 
Prince?
 
- That didn't sound like a prince.
- Did I say I wanted it edgier?
 
I don't want it edgy.
I want it happy.
 
Roses and tiaras
and ball gowns and-
 
Kiss it!
Maybe it'll turn into a prince.
 
It was worth a try.
 
Sweet.
 
Hey. Watch the snout.
 
Believe me. I'm watchin' it!
I'm watchin' it!
 
Fellow rogues, victory is near.
 
But there's just one
little seed of goodness...
 
that refuses to die
in the winter of our content.
 
Go forth.
Find Cinderella...
 
and bring her to me!
 
Us work?
 
Before noon?
 
Yes, well,
we're more nocturnal villains.
 
You see,
that means we operate at night.
 
You still here?
 
How do you start this thing?
 
It's probably just a-
 
What do you call those things
that aren't wolves?
 
Kiss it! Maybe it will
turn into a prince!
 
Bad doggie! Down, boy! Stay!
 
- You okay?
- Uh-huh.
 
Oh, gosh!
 
The Mountain of Death.
 
Let's go, boy.
 
Ouch.
 
Please tell me that's modern art.
 
I don't think we should-
 
Locks on the door.
 
Bars on the windows.
 
I know who lives here.
 
Hey, that was my big toe.
 
Hey!
 
- Hey, get away from there!
- No trespassers!
 
Yeah, can't you read?
 
I bet them's the ones
that took Snow White!
 
- We don't even know Snow White.
- I used to spy on her though.
 
Well, no. More like
peeking in on her.
 
Checking in.
Let's call it that.
 
I checked in
on her occasionally.
 
We're looking for the prince. If we don't
find him, the kingdom will be lost.
 
And can I remind you
of something?
 
We're being chased by the bad guys.
 
Correction- surrounded by them.
 
Please. Please.
You have to help us.
 
Inside.
 
Initiatin' primary defense!
 
Come on, come on!
 
It's the big one.
 
Why'd you call it the big one?
 
It's the mother of all battles!
 
Move it!
 
- We knew it was a-comin'.
- We just didn't know how.
 
- Or why.
- Or when.
 
We've been gettin' ready
for the big one for years.
 
Yeah.
 
- Sic 'em!
- Yeah, yeah.
 
Billy Bob, crank up the big lady!
 
- You!
- What?
 
- With me!
- Me? But I don't-
 
Lock and load, Cletus!
 
What's that?
 
She's stuck!
Bubba, give me a hand!
 
How about a foot?
 
Darlin', load up them diamonds!
 
Me?
Are you sure?
 
I don't think that's a-
 
Diamonds?
 
Why do you think we been savin' 'em?
 
They're harder than a knight's sword
and sharper than a dragon's tooth!
 
Come on, come on!
 
Take that, you varmints!
 
You're a wolf!
Get some teeth!
 
Some growling would be nice!
 
Some biting would be better!
 
Target 500 yards!
Follow me in!
 
Roger.
 
Oh, no!
We got witches! 2:00!
 
I really, really don't like this.
 
What? And I do?
 
Come on, little lady!
 
Show me what you got, witches!
 
- Munk!
- Wow!
 
Mambo!
 
Reload! Reload!
 
Rubies, diamonds, everything we got!
 
I'm hit!
I'm hit!
 
Dang!
 
We tried to teach
Snow White to shoot...
 
- but she couldn't hit the side of a barn.
- Wow!
 
- What?
- I didn't know I had it in me.
 
Lady, you can call me Duke.
 
Ice Queen! We lost Ice Queen!
Retreat!
 
No way!
Hold it together!
 
Circle around!
Do you copy?
 
Roger.
 
Hey, we should spell out
"Surrender Cinderella!"
 
Negative!
Proceed as planned!
 
Yeah!
Eat this, dwarves!
 
Ella!
 
Pardon me, ladies!
 
- Ella!
- Rick! You're here!
 
Yeah. Things were kinda slow
in the kitchen.
 
Munk! Mambo!
Jump on!
 
Duke!
 
Don't worry about us, darlin'.
 
You just find that there prince!
 
The dishwasher?
The dishwasher saved her?
 
This is like a good dream
you can't wake up from.
 
I've sent witches.
I've sent trolls.
 
Nothing is working!
 
Then the prince took
Cinderella to his castle...
 
and they lived happily ever after.
 
No, they did not!
 
Whose side are you on?
 
If I may ask...
 
why do you hate Cinderella so much?
 
I mean, according to the tale,
she never did anything to you.
 
I don't know.
Because she's gorgeous?
 
Because she's too stupid
to know her place?
 
Because she's so cheerful
about everything?
 
Because if she wins,
she'll be the queen...
 
and I will be the stepmom forever!
 
Is that baby
making you soft or what?
 
That's it! You can't send witches
or wolves to do an empress's job.
 
Get me a broom.
 
I'm gonna take out little
Miss Goody-two-slippers myself!
 
Heads up, Cindy!
 
Stepmama's on her way!
 
Thanks, Rick,
but what are you doing here?
 
I just thought you could
use a little help.
 
- You're the best.
- Any luck finding the prince?
 
Not yet. This is Mambo and Munk.
They're helping too.
 
Look, I say there's no time
to find the prince.
 
We gotta take Frieda out...
ourselves.
 
- But she has the wizard's staff.
- So take it.
 
Just create a distraction,
sneak up on her and jump her.
 
Okay, good. We make a distraction,
we do some sneaking...
 
and then this jumping thing though-
 
I don't know. I have a bad back.
Who's doing the jumping?
 
We are.
 
But there are trolls
in the palace and that woman!
 
Big deal.
I can get you in.
 
We could do this...
without a prince.
 
There he is!
I'm sure that's him!
 
Oh, maiden!
Maiden!
 
Hello! Prince!
 
Hey! Up here!
 
- We're too high!
- Rick, go back!
 
- I can't!
- You can't or you won't?
 
Come on.
 
Again with the crashing!
 
I hate gravity!
I hate it!
 
Ella, you okay?
 
Prince?
Hello?
 
We must have overshot him by a mile.
 
Yeah, we lost him.
 
Just like you wanted.
 
What? Ella, I didn't-
 
Ella! Ella, wait!
 
Come on. We ran out of fuel
or something.
 
Sure. You don't wanna
find the prince.
 
You want him out of the way
so you can be the hero yourself.
 
Ella, I know the prince.
He's hopeless.
 
- And I know I can do it.
- No, you can't.
 
You can't save the day.
You're not a prince. You're just...
 
Rick.
 
I-
 
- Sorry about that. Are you-
- Fine.
 
It was fine.
I mean, I'm fine.
 
- I guess we should look for the-
- Prince.
 
- The prince.
- Yeah.
 
We'll go back and find him.
 
Wait.
 
You wanna find him, fine,
but let's do it smart.
 
It's almost dark, and we don't even know
which way is back.
 
You guys hang low.
I'll go look for him.
 
Rick.
 
Thank you.
 
So I'm finding
Ella's prince for her.
 
This was the last thing
I wanted to do.
 
But we both knew
how the story had to end.
 
- We need your help.
- Oh, it's that kitchen boy.
 
I don't have time to explain.
Ella needs you.
 
- You gotta save her.
- Yeah, yes, yes.
 
Did you bring me my laundry?
 
Ella?
The girl you danced with?
 
- At the ball?
- That maiden?
 
Well, I've crossed
deserts and mountains...
 
babbling brooks and things...
 
to bring her...
 
this.
 
You crossed a desert
to bring her a shoe?
 
Yes, well, it's in the book.
 
So if Frieda hadn't
tipped the scales...
 
the prince and I
would have gotten married?
 
You always do.
 
What about Rick?
What happens to him?
 
He just works in the kitchen.
 
Yeah. It's not his story.
 
- What's wrong?
- It's your happy ending.
 
You get wedding bells, roses.
 
You ride off into the sunset.
 
- And then what?
- Nothing.
 
That's the end of your tale.
 
What?
 
That's all?
That's my whole life?
 
I just marry the prince?
 
What else did you expect?
 
I don't know.
I guess... more.
 
I say happy endings are boring!
 
Just think about what you want,
and go for it!
 
Frieda!
 
Oh, no!
Not again! Help!
 
Hi, Cinderelly!
 
Under the bushes!
Hide!
 
Under the bushes?
That's a-Those aren't-
 
That's a stick!
 
Come to Stepmommy!
 
Ella! No!
 
Rick!
 
Blast! Looks like we lost her!
 
Maiden! Maiden!
 
Help!
 
- Please! Please help me!
- Maiden!
 
Prince!
 
- Help!
- I've got-
 
Why...
 
log...
 
hurt...
 
prince?
 
Sleepy now.
 
Well, don't just sit there!
 
Get back on your horse!
Save her!
 
Right. Perfect.
 
My chance to prove myself.
 
Exactly what am I saving her from?
 
Basically, a power-mad evil
stepmother with awesome magic...
 
and every bad guy
in the history of fairy tales...
 
who've taken over your palace.
 
Forget it. This guy's useless.
I'm gonna save her.
 
Rick, I like the idea.
 
But I don't know
how to break this to you...
 
but that is just not how it works.
 
He's the one who saves her.
Always.
 
You're the prince.
 
Don't you want to save
your damsel in distress?
 
Yeah, and we're talkin'
distress big time!
 
And I will save you...
 
my little slipper girl!
 
Have no fear, my beloved!
 
Stirrups, straps,
do not let go of the reins.
 
Right. Got it.
 
- What's goin' on?
Mambo: There's the dashing prince. He's charging. He's wielding his noble sword... with fiery determination. He's falling off! He's falling off the steed. He fell off. He's on the ground now. He's on the
ground. He's looking for his noble sword.
 
Rick: I'm almost startin' to feel sorry for the guy.
Mambo: He's feelin' around. That's a stick.
 
- They're kickin' him now.
- Easy!
 
- And they're laughing at him.
- That hurt!
 
- And they're- He just got... captured.
- Ow!
 
Prince Humperdink "Capture by trolls... Kiss thy royal butt good-bye"?
 
Bye-bye!
 
Rick: Well, no more prince. What now?
Mambo: No more anybody else either.
 
Look.
 
We have to fix the scales
and save the kingdom.
 
While there's something
left to save.
 
We will... without a prince.
 
Frieda: Well, well. Ella. Cinderella. Now what should I do with you? Turn you into a snail? Make you sleep for a thousand years? Shrink you? Eat you? - Poison you?
Ella: I'm not scared of you. When the prince comes-
Frieda: Everyone will live happily ever after. You always were such an annoying little optimist. Fortunately, happy endings are so yesterday. Red Riding Hood- Only the hood is left. Size six, if you want one. And Sleeping Beauty- Nighty-night... after night, after night. Forever! And Cinderelly... still dreaming of her big, strong prince. Well, don't hold your breath, baby!
Prince Humperdink: I did it all-the ball, the girl, the haircut, the shirt, the steed. I even had the perfect underwear! I'm a failure!
 
No. That's impossible.
 
He's the prince. He's a hero.
He can't-
 
Can't what? Lose?
 
Feed that thing, you half-wit!
 
But if I feed him now,
he's gonna be up all night.
 
Then I'll feed him...
to the crocodiles in the moat.
 
Empress?
 
Oh, Cinderelly?
 
Going so soon?
 
Your party's just
getting started, babe!
 
We're gonna have our own ball.
 
- Are you sure about this?
- No. Act cool.
 
Hey, I'm just tryin' to put
money in your pocket, player.
 
Yo.
 
Yo.
 
Yo! We're cool.
 
We're low.
We're on the down low, the DL.
 
Down low.
 
Way down here.
We're slowly, moley, roly-poly.
 
Hey, what's wrong with you?
I'm down.
 
They like me.
 
I parlez-vous their hippy-hip,
coolio, bombio, phatty lingo.
 
I'm a- I'm a hepcat.
That's what I am.
 
So the pig says, "I don't
have to go to the bathroom.
 
I get to go wee, wee, wee,
all the way home."
 
Go wee, wee, wee! Yeah!
 
Yo, Ricky!
 
Hey... you!
 
Yo! Look who's back.
 
Hey, Ricky! What's up?
 
Rick, come on.
Make a toast.
 
I'd love to, but I gotta work.
 
You guys are my friends.
You understand, right?
 
If I didn't know better...
 
I'd think you didn't wanna
hang out with us.
 
Here's to evil...
 
to eatin' grandmas...
 
stealin' babies,
cookin' little kids.
 
Here's to the good stuff.
 
That's my little Ricky.
 
And here's to the baddest...
 
most awful, rank-smelling,
evil bad guy of 'em all.
 
That's the nicest thing
anybody ever said to me.
 
No.
He meant me, capisce?
 
You? You eat grandmas
and little girls.
 
What's bad about that?
 
Okay, we made it in.
 
We got past the wolves.
What now?
 
Here's the plan.
You guys fix the scales.
 
I'm gonna get the staff
away from Frieda.
 
Will this be before
or after I faint?
 
You aren't gonna get away with this.
 
You can't just take over.
 
This isn't the way
things were meant to be.
 
Quit dreaming, Cindy.
 
I'm having
a real problem with this.
 
I'm concerned about the effect this
violence is gonna have on little Reggie.
 
That wasn't violence.
 
This is violence!
 
- Frieda, over here!
- What?
 
Rick!
 
Don't hurt him!
 
Ella!
 
"Don't hurt him"?
 
Ella likes the dishwasher.
 
- You again?
- Oh, no!
 
Well, well. Cinderella.
 
Kiss your little pumpkin good-bye!
 
Rick!
 
I've got you, Ella!
 
I won't let you go!
 
You should have just
married the dishwasher.
 
He's so much cuter.
 
Bye-bye!
 
Ella, grab him!
 
Wow! Did you see that?
 
I did something dangerous
and heroic and-
 
Hey, why didn't anyone stop me?
 
Seriously, if you ever see me about
to do something like that again...
 
just knock me out.
 
Like, punch!
End of story.
 
Thank you, Rick.
 
Guys?
Does Frieda still have the staff?
 
Dang.
 
Miss me?
 
You'll live to regret that.
 
But not for long.
 
Good-bye, Ella.
 
Rick!
 
- Rick!
- Don't move!
 
You just had to go
for your happy ending.
 
- Well, let me tell you.
- No sleeping! No sleeping!
 
This is your end...
 
but it ain't gonna be happy!
 
I'm gonna show you that dreams
don't come true.
 
For years I've been letting you
ruin my life!
 
Well, no more!
 
What life? The life you were gonna have
with Sleeping Beauty over there?
 
The dishwasher
and the scullery maid!
 
You're gonna live
happily never after!
 
Ella! Push her into the portal!
 
The staff!
 
- Oops.
- You're not gonna need it anymore.
 
She's gone.
 
Nice punch, Ella.
 
Rick!
 
You're okay!
 
Hang on a second.
 
I thought you wanted a prince.
 
I had one all along.
I just didn't know it.
 
Like I always say,
good triumphs over evil.
 
Isn't that so, precious sugar pie?
 
How do you like that?
 
It looks like Cinderella
got her happy ending after all.
 
Not an ending...
 
a beginning.
 
Well, let's get
this place cleaned up.
 
Before the boss gets home.
 
So there you go.
 
Maybe it's not the Cinderella
tale you're used to...
 
but, personally,
I like this one better.
 
Look, the prince even got
to save the day in the end.
 
Well, at least that's
what he thinks.
 
And Rumpelstiltskin?
 
- Well-
- Open up.
 
He's "Uncle Rumpy" now.
 
By the time
the wizard came back...
 
Munk and Mambo had cleaned
everything up.
 
Are we ready?
 
And Fairytale Land
was back to normal.
 
Man, I can't believe it.
 
3-iron into the short grass,
perfect chip shot...
 
and I blow my last putt.
 
Triple bogey.
 
- Any problems?
- Problems? No. No problems.
 
Come on. Everything went
pretty smooth.
 
Oh, yes.
Every story had an ending.
 
Good.
 
But I gotta say, this is my
favorite part of the story.
 
I guess an ordinary guy
can get a happy ending.
 
Pretty nice, huh?
 
And you know who
paid for everything?
 
The prince.
He's not such a bad guy after all.
 
So what does "happily
ever after" really mean?
 
Beats me.
 
But, you know,
I think we're gonna find out.
 
Back! Back!
 
Bad creature!
And back, you!
 
All of you, get back!
 
I'm the empress of evil!
 
Yeah, yeah!
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