White Water Ranting

The third chapter of Total Drama: Tiki Jungle, posted on January 16, 2011. As the contestants head out into the ocean on a raft-riding obstacle course, Julia reveals the origin of her distaste for Arthur and various romances brew.
==Story==
"Last time on Total Drama: Tiki Jungle..." says Chris, "The 16 campers went on a lethal hunt for two dangerous natives! Luckily, nobody got killed, but a few got kidnapped and seriously maimed. In the end, Elena and Meg won, only to be forced to pick teams... against each other! Ha, ha. I love my job. Team Over Nine Thousand, cleverly named by Gary, lost the tiebreaker challenge, and had to vote out somebody. It was Manty, poor kid. Today, they'll have their second challenge! Stay tuned to find out what it is on Total... Drama... Tiki, Tiki Jungle!"
Nic is sitting on the dock, with his feet in the water, mumbling. Carson walks up to him.
"Sup, dude?" asks Carson.
"Hey." says Nic gloomily.
"What's wrong, bro?" asks Carson.
"Can I ask you something?" asks Nic.
"Depends on what it's about," says Carson.
"Girls," replies Nic.
"Hit me!" says Carson almost instantly.
"All right..." says Nic warily. "Do you think girls like me?"
"They would like you more if you stopped trying to be like Alejandro." says Carson.
"Oh, crap," mutters Nic. "I forgot." He clears his throat. "Leave, my ungrateful minion, or I will vote you off!"
"Just be yourself right now," says Carson, "And you can be back to your annoying self after we talk."
"All right," says Nic. "When a girl says you're cute, does that mean they like you, or they think of you as a little brother?"
"Which girl?" asks Carson.
"Elena," says Nic.
"I'd say the second thing." says Carson.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," says Nic. "I keep telling her that I'm not cute, I'm hot. But she won't listen. She just thinks of me as a tiny kid. I hate when girls do that. So many do that at my school, and it really pisses me off. I want to have a real girlfriend."
"Sorry, bro." says Carson. "You can't really change that. You're short, and you have fuzzy hair and a high voice. Girls will think you're cute. Unless you can find a short girl with fuzzy hair and a high voice, you probably won't get a G.F."
"Whatever," says Nic. "You're no help." He mopes away to the cabins.
"Man, I screwed up." says Carson. "I guess I can concentrate on Amanda, then." He grins, and leaves.
"Wow, way to be no help."
"That's what I'm for." grins Carson.
Meanwhile, in the Over Nine Thousand cabin, Chrissy is complaining.
"Look at this." Chrissy pulls off a piece of wallpaper. "This is so dang flimsy."
"I know, right?" says Meg. "Why do we get the crappy cabin?"
"Because we loooooost." says Arthur blatantly.
"Well, we're not gonna lose anymore." says Meg. "Now that stupid ol' Manty's gone, we have the potential to be an amazing team. Think of us as the Screaming Gophers."
"Yeah. The potential." groans Arthur.
"Shut up, Arthur." snaps Chrissy.
Arthur falls asleep.
"Attention, all jungle-mates!" says Chris over a loudspeaker.
"Jungle-mates?" asks Gary skeptically.
"Do not insult my names!" continues Chris. "Anyways, what I was about to say before Gary rudely interrupted me... Time to report to the dock for today's challenge! Meet me there in five!"
Five minutes later, everyone arrives at the dock. Inflatable rafts are floating in the water, four with green tikis painted on and three with ">9000" painted on in blue.
"Hello, jungle-mates." says Chris. "Ready for today's challenge?"
"Sure thing, dawg!" shrieks Devin.
"All right then. Today, I am not responsible for any deaths, serious maiming, or decapitations that occur." says Chris warily.
The contestants look at him, obviously scared.
"Just kidding, everyone." Chris laughs. "Isn't that funny? Ha, ha?"
An awkward silence occurs.
"All right. Let's get to it. Today, you'll be racing to the other island and bringing back a shell. The first team to bring back a real seashell wins invincibility."
"Sounds easy enough," says Sharissa.
"A-ha, but it's not." says Chris. "There's a catch. Along the way, you'll run into pointy coral that may deflate your rafts, leaving your team vulnerable in the middle of the ocean, being able to be eaten by great white sharks... which are there too. Ha-ha. Anyways, the Terrible Tikis will be traveling in four groups of two, and Over Nine Thousand, you guys are down a member, so one of your rafts will have three people."
"Whatevs." mutters Chrissy dryly.
"The Terrible Tikis, you're up first. Alex and Sharissa will be on boat one."
"Oh, goody." says Alex sarcastically.
"Listen to me, sack." says Sharissa. "Ya better paddle, or I'm feedin' ya to the sharks. Got it?"
"Sure thing." says Alex lazily.
"Devin and Julia," says Chris.
"Oh, lord." says Julia, and Devin swaggers to his raft.
"Carson and Amanda," continues Chris.
Carson makes a clicking noise at Amanda, who rolls her eyes and continues to walk.
"And, that leaves... Elena and Nic." says Chris.
Nic jumps into the air and whoops for joy.
"Hi, Nic!" says Elena. "You're so adorable!"
Carson whispers something to Nic, and Nic nods.
"And for Over Nine Thousand..." says Chris, "Arthur and Helga."
Helga rolls her eyes, and Arthur waddles to the rafts.
"Octavia and Trey."
Octavia bounds to the raft, throwing grass into the air. "My dream has come true!" she says dramatically.
Trey slaps his forehead.
"And Gary, Meg and Chrissy, you three will share the big raft." finishes Chris.
"Yeeeep!" says Gary, and rubs his hands together.
A few minutes later, everyone is in their rafts.
"Teams ready?" asks Chris. "GO!"
The Terrible Tikis get off to a good start. In Alex and Sharissa's raft, Sharissa is doing most of the work.
"Keep paddlin'." says Alex, and lies back and puts his hair in the water.
"Remember what I said?" snaps Sharissa.
"I'm paddlin'." says Alex, who is moving his hands through the water slowly. "With my hands, that is. But it's still paddlin'."
"I hate loopholes," grumbles Sharissa. "So, who do ya like?"
"Why should I answer that?" asks Alex calmly.
"Cause I'm a good match-maker." says Sharissa. "Tell me who ya like and I'll set ya up with her."
"What if you don't know her?" asks Alex.
"Relax." snaps Sharissa. "Prob'ly do."
Alex wrinkles his brow. "We'll see."
Devin is talking to Julia. "Yo homie, why d' ya hate Arthur so much, G?"
"Have I not already explained?" shrieks Julia. "January 2nd, 1995. The worst friggin' day in the whole world. That was when Arthur was born. So, he moved next door to me when we were, like, six or something, and we were friends at first. But he always made me pull him in this crappy ol' wagon. He was so fat back then that it eventually broke, and my mom was forced to get a new one! So, I began to hate him, but our moms were friends, so we were sort of expected to play together all the time. That really made me mad. Finally, one day, he pushed my button a little too far. So, I had this cool tree in my front yard, K? And I loved to climb it and stuff, and since I was only, like, 50 pounds at the time, I didn't put much weight on it. One day, Arthur decided he wanted to climb the tree. Tree's name was Jimmy, by the way. So, Arthur's climbin' on Jimmy, and he snaps a branch! Jimmy's arm! Arthur amputated a living thing's arm! So, after that, Jimmy had to get cut down. And that's why I hate Arthur so friggin' much!"
"Um... Dat's sorta weird, shawty." says Devin.
"I'm not SHORT!" screams Julia.
"It's a term of endearment, yo!" says Devin.
Julia kicks him into the side of the raft. The impact is so strong, that it pops the wall, and the raft begins to inflate.
"Now look what you did!" yells Julia.
"It wasn' m' fault, dawg!" says Devin. "You's th' one who kicked me, G!"
"Whatever." snaps Julia.
Meanwhile, Helga and Arthur aren't exactly getting along.
"You must paaaaaaaaddle!" rumbles Arthur.
Helga is reading a book called "Midnight."
"That's not even a good boooooook!" rumbles Arthur.
Helga does not even look up from her book, and throws some seaweed at his face.
"Ugh," says Arthur, and lays back.
Helga throws her book at Arthur, and says, "Fine, I'll paddle."
A minute after she begins to paddle, the raft springs a leak on Arthur's side.
"Why are you sinking the raft?" says Helga angrily. frame|Helga and Arthur struggle to get along.
"Because I'm morbidly obeeeese!" groans Arthur. "My morbidly obeeeese body cannot handle this boat! The weight limit is 400 pounds!"
"Dude, you're not that fat," says Trey, whose boat gently floats by.
Gary, Chrissy and Meg are in the lead.
"Keep paddling, Gary!" says Meg, and Gary is just staring happily at the raft.
"I just can't get over how much I love this raft!" says Gary. "It says >9000 on it, and there's a picture of Vegeta! Chris did such a great job on the painting!" He accidentally drops his paddle in the water.
"Gee, thanks." says Chrissy. "Way to lose the paddle."
"Now you know what I had to deal with last season," says Meg. "It was stressful."
Chrissy nods. "Wait a second..." she says. "Is that the other island ahead?" She pauses for a minute, then says, "It is! Meg, paddle faster! We're about to win!"
Seconds later, they arrive at the other island.
"Now, to find a seashell." says Gary. He begins to dig in the sand, and finally gets one. "Got it!" he says.
Carson and Amanda arrive at the island. "I'll be taking that," says Amanda, and snatches Gary's seashell.
"Hey!" yells Gary.
"Sorry, dude." snickers Carson, and runs away.
"Let's stop them," says Chrissy, and runs into her boat. The three manically paddle to get up to Carson and Amanda's boat. They finally do, and Meg begins to make the boat bump into the enemy boat.
"Serves you right!" says Meg.
Amanda glares. "You'll pay," she says angrily.
Meanwhile, Elena and Nic are floating along.
"You're so cute," says Elena.
"I'm hot!" rebels Nic.
"All right," says Elena. "Nic, you are not very hot. You're cute, like a baby seal. That's why I love you." She pinches his cheeks.
Nic blushes. "I guess this works. But I am still very evil. You shall be the Heather to my Alejandro, babe."
"You're not the boyfriend type, but you're a good friend." Elena hugs Nic, who scowls.
"Now let's get that seashell," says Elena. Unfortunately, her raft runs into a large mound of coral, and instantly pops.
"Are you a good swimmer? I mean, can you save this hot hunk from that coral?" asks Nic.
"Oh, yeah," says Elena. "I was on my school's swim team in fifth grade!" She hoists Nic up onto her back, and begins to doggie-paddle. "We'll get there in no time!" she says, but then sees a large gray fin rotating around in the water.
"Uh-oh." says Nic. "Is that what I think it is? I mean, I can woo it with my buff ab belly."
"Duh!" shouts Elena. "Run! I mean, swim!" The two violently swim away from the shark.
"At least if I die, I'll have the girl who I like the most with me! I mean, I'll have my sweet love to accompany me!" says Nic.
Elena looks at him.
"Oops." says Nic. "I mean, I am not afraid to confess my love to you, my beautiful hibiscus."
"Let's go." groans Elena, and walks onto the dock back at the island. She looks mad, because everyone else is already there.
"Hello, Elena and Nic," says Chris. "You two are the last to arrive. Team Over Nine Thousand won the challenge, and invincibility."
Gary, who is wearing a lei and a flower print shirt, cheers, and is hoisted up by his team.
"Terrible Tikis, your name suits you well. You did terrible during this challenge, so you're going to get rid of a member tonight. Over Nine Thousand, you guys get the cool cabin."
Team Over Nine Thousand cheers, and they walk away to the cool cabin.
Chrissy says in the confessional, "That challenge was a piece of cake. Literally, Gary found some cake floating in the water. It was actually quite good. Y'know, I actually sort of like my team."
Meg says in the confessional, "No more crappy old cabin for this girl!" She cheers loudly.
Gary says in the confessional, "I still love Meg, a lot. I know I'm not the perfect dude for her, but I stand by my theory that I can get her." Arthur pokes his head inside the confessional, and says, "Yeah, riiiiiight."
Carson and Amanda are sitting by the dock, putting their feet in the water.
"Hey, Amanda?" asks Carson. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, I guess." says Amanda.
"Will you--" asks Carson.
Amanda interrupts him. "Yep."
Carson blushes. "You didn't even let me finish my question!" he says.
"I knew what you were going to say." says Amanda. "I like you, a lot. I started to like you when the season started, I just didn't really feel like showing it. I thought about when you kissed me, last season, and I actually didn't really mind it that much."
"Wanna do it again?" asks Carson funnily.
"Sure," says Amanda, and leans in, about to kiss him, but is interrupted by Julia.
"Um, Amanda?" asks Julia. "Devin is rifling through your stuff, and saying he's a 'coo' lady'. He has your bra."
Amanda stomps towards the cabin, yelling, "DEVIN!"
Once she's gone, Julia looks at Carson. "Sorry, dude." she says. "It just was really creepy, and I wanted him to shut up. If I ruined your relationship, sorry."
"Um, whatever." says Carson. "There's always tomorrow."
"Yeah, sure. Now, I'm gonna go vote out Devin. Wanna watch?" asks Julia.
"You can't do that!" says Carson. "He's my Brotha!"
"But he's annoying." says Julia obviously.
"All right," says Carson. "But don't be surprised if you have to take the Raft of Losers tonight."
"Ugh, whatever." says Julia. She stomps back to the elimination ceremony.
Julia says in the confessional, "I sorta wrecked their relationship on purpose. Devin wasn't doing any of that stuff, he was asleep the whole time. I just don't think they're a good match, y'know?"
Devin says in the confessional, "A goo' Brotha nev'a ditches his otha' brothas fo' some shawty, dat's why I's gon' vote fo' Amanda."
Elena says in the confessional, "I hate Amanda, and Nic is also really annoying. But, today, my vote goes for Sharissa. She's just creepy. I mean, she's nice, but anyone who wears all that makeup and eye liner must be creepy." She touches her face, and looks at herself in a mirror. "Okay, I take that back. I'm going to vote for Nic."
"Hello, Pathetic Tikis." says Chris at the elimination ceremony. "You want to know who's taking the Path of Shame tonight? Well, it's definitely not Alex." Chris tosses Alex a marshmallow, which hits him in the head and lands in his mouth. Alex chokes on the marshmallow, and spits it back out at Chris.
"Um, you're safe." says Chris. "Also safe is Elena." Elena hugs Chris.
"Sharissa is safe," says Chris. Sharissa gets her marshmallow.
"Aaaand... Carson." says Chris. Carson gets his marshmallow.
"Julia." says Chris. Julia gets her marshmallow, and kicks Chris in the shin.
"What was that for?" moans Chris. "You were safe! Anyways, Devin is also safe."
"Yo, yo, foo!" says Devin, and grabs his marshmallow.
"Last but not least, the final marshmallow goes to..."
"...Nic."
Elena groans.
"See, I told you folks!" says Nic. "Evil never gets eliminated!" He bows, and sits back down.
Amanda seems mad. "So, you voted for me, huh?" she says. "Wow, I'm unimpressed. Well, bye, everyone. Losers."
"Wait, Amanda!" says Carson. He runs up to her, and kisses her on the lips.
"Awww..." gushes Elena.
"Yuk." growls Julia.
"Whoo, G!" yells Devin. "I knew y' was gon' do it, brotha! Y' finally got a shawty!"
"That was nice," says Amanda. She brushes her face off, and spits. "Bye." She walks over to the Raft of Losers, and floats away.
"Sheesh!" says Chris. "I certainly wasn't expecting that! Well, will the Terrible Tikis lose again? Will I think of an idea for the next challenge? And will Gary ever get Meg's attention? Probably not, but find out next week on Total... Drama... Tiki, Tiki Jungle!"