The Nostalgia Critic Movie/Transcript

(Paramount Pictures, Sony, Columbia Pictures, Tencent Pictures, Di Bonaventura Pictures and Channel Awesome logos start. After the logos, the opening credits start while "The Review Must Go On" by Breaking Benjamin plays in the background with clips from the Nostalgia Critic episodes then the title shows "The Nostalgia Critic Movie". After the opening credits and the song, we see Nostalgia Critic who faces the camera while he smiles.)
Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Well, ever since I reviewed many worse films over the years, you know exactly what I mean. I'm the star of this movie! (Audience cheers and applauds) Thank you, you're all such good people. So, believe it or not, The Nostalgia Critic Movie is a comedy film. And every comedy film seems to make sense as it starts with the first joke. Happy Gilmore, The Nutty Professor, A Thousand Words, Jack and Jill. Anyway, this is my first clip movie. ("Gonna Fly Now" plays in the background and the title appears and reads "Nostalgia Critic's Shitty Ass Clip Movie") Yep, that's right. It's officially my first clip movie ever made. This is where I sit back and do nothing and you watch a bunch of clips of me being wonderful. You acknowledge how fantastic I am, and I go in the back, and smoke a joint. It’s a cheap cop-out, I know, but then again, I’ll be high. So you watch this clip from the Foodfight! review, and I'll see you roughly in about 20 minutes. Enjoy!
(Music and title card – “Foodfight! review. First aired: April 8th, 2014”. Re-shot “Foodfight” footage is shown, with Nostalgia Critic.)
Nostalgia Critic from Foodfight!: What the hell is Foodfight!? And why does everybody want me to review it?
(Inside the room are Malcolm and Tamara in lab-coats. Tamara's typing on the computer in a rather weird way.)
Malcolm from Foodfight!: Well, according to our research, Foodfight! is one of the worst - if not the worst - animated film of all... (Realizes what's happening) Hey, wait a minute. What's he doing? He's not doing anything, he's just looking at a fucking clip movie!
(Cut to Nostalgia Critic reading "The Girl on the Train.")
Nostalgia Critic: Huh?
Malcolm from Foodfight!: What the hell? We really came to see the movie and you just throw this clip movie at us? I mean, that sucks ass!
Tamara from Foodfight!: Yes, the Nostalgia Critic of the past wouldn’t do something like that!
Nostalgia Critic: But it's my only clip movie!
Malcolm from Foodfight!: (Mockingly) But it's my only clip movie! God, what a whiner.
Tamara from Foodfight!: What happened to you, man? You used to have strong, plentiful balls!
Nostalgia Critic: No, no, I do! My balls are still very strong, and extremely plentiful!
Malcolm from Foodfight!: Prove it! Do something special for your own standalone film, something that everybody’s requested, but you never had the plentiful balls to do!
Nostalgia Critic: But what else is there? I mean, I've done Transformers: The Last Knight, I've done The Emoji Movie, those are some of the worst films out there!
Tamara from Foodfight!: (With background, dramatic music) No, Critic. There is one movie that you have overlooked. A comedy film that's fucking terrible it makes my eyeballs bulge with terror!
Nostalgia Critic: (Gasps) You don't mean...
Tamara from Foodfight!: No, not that one.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh. (Thinks and gasps again)
Tamara from Foodfight!: Nope, not that one either.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh. (Thinks some more) You mean...?!
Tamara from Foodfight!: YES! HOLMES AND WATSON!
(Music and titles from the movie. Nostalgia Critic screams, followed by footage from the movie.)
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, you asked for it, now here it is. Holmes and Watson. Said to be one of the worst comedy films ever made. It came out in 2018, so I sort of considered it on the cusp of being nostalgic, but for my first movie, I'm going to give in and review the movie I've gotten lots of angry e-mails. Ever since from the beginning, I've been asked to review this movie, and now I'm finally going to do it. It's based on the books of Sherlock Holmes by Arthur Conan Doyle, and it was adapted into a 2009 movie from Warner Bros. and directed by Guy Ritchie, the director of The Man from U.N.C.L.E., and Aladdin. So making a movie starring Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly seemed to make sense. However, the movie was destroyed by critics, failed at the box office, got a 10% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and won multiple Razzie Awards just like when Tom Green actually did after premiering his own movie Freddy Got Fingered.
(Cut to Tom Green from the Razzie Awards 2002 video.)
Tom Green: From day one, when we started writing it, said, uh, "We wanted to win a Raspberry Award," so... So, uh, it's... I'm glad my dream has come true.
(Cut to Nostalgia Critic)
Nostalgia Critic: Whatever you thought of this guy, he had a plan and he recently achieved it. Whatever it was. The film has been getting a cult following, but at the same time...is this it? Is this really life? No! This isn't life! This isn't anything even representing life! But it's life for me! It's pretty pathetic, but it's all I got! I know what you're saying, "Oh, well, that's pretty sad," well, you know, yeah, it is fucking sad! I don't get to go out and hang with friends, I don't even have any friends! I have nobody to contribute anything to, I have nobody to talk to, or bounce things off of, or say, "Hey, what'd ya think of that," "well, I'll tell ya what I think of that," no, it's just me. Bitching and moaning like I always do. (At this point, he starts talking more rapidly) And someone's saying, "well, that's a pretty sad existence." Well, yeah, it is a pretty sad existence... (Picks up the Holmes and Watson Blu-ray) ...JUST SITTING HERE TALKING ABOUT HOLMES AND FUCKING WATSON! (Throws down the Blu-ray) I MEAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING! I've never done anything to make someone's life better, or-or-or-or-or, gone to play a game with somebody- I'd LOVE to play a game with somebody! Wouldn't it be great? I mean, somebody's just like, "Hey, why don't you come over and play this game with us?" "What game?" "Parcheesi," I don't know what the fuck people are playing, but you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice to be invited! I've never even gone out to a, a bar with somebody, hang with some friends, I've never gone to a, a strip club...okay, I've gone to a couple strip clubs...but I've never gone with anybody! I've never been there, and actually been like... (Makes a suggestive gesture) ...okay, not with people...but STILL, you know what?! It'd be nice! It'd be nice just ONE DAY to go somewhere! Or somebody's just having a good time, and somebody just says outta nowhere, "Hey, you know what? THAT guy was okay! Not great, but he was okay!" instead of, "Hey! Who was that little fuck-shit?!" Well, I'll tell you who that fuck-shit is! HE'S THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! HE REMEMBERS IT SO YOU DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO! EVEN THOUGH, EVERY FUCKING DAY HE EXISTS, HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO! HE WISHES HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS BULLSHIT, TO MAKE YOU WATCH AND GET YOU RATINGS, AND WHY DOES IT HAPPEN?! WHY DO YOU KEEP COMING BACK?! BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING SICK, AND I'M FUCKING STUPID! THAT'S THE WAY IT IS! IT'S THE WAY IT'S ALWAYS GONNA BE! THERE IS NO CHANGE, THERE IS NO FUTURE! THERE IS NO PAST! THE PRESENT IS A JOKE, EVERYTHING IS HELL! MY LIFE IS HELL! THIS IS THE WORST THING A HUMAN BEING COULD EVER GO THROUGH! (Screams at the top of his lungs, then rests on his desk, then a long pause) So, let's start. As I said before, can you believe it? It doesn't even sound real. Etan Cohen, the writer of Tropic Thunder and Men in Black 3 wrote and directed a movie where Ferrell and Reilly play Holmes and Watson. Unless this is some sort of symbolic biography, this is obviously going to fail! (The following images of directors and movie posters appear briefly) I mean, it just doesn't make sense. It's like Stanley Kubrick directing Beauty and the Beast or Michael Bay directing Happy Gilmore or Steven Spielberg directing War of the Worlds! Okay, that was awesome. But you get the idea, you never would've guessed this guy would do anything like this in a million years. (speaks like Michael Corleone from “The Godfather Part II” and grabs the camera to shake it) You broke my heart, Etan! You broke my heart! (speaks normally again after he lets go of the camera) So, let's not waste any time. Let’s take a look at one of the most hated films of... Malcolm, cut! Tamara, are you watching this?
Tamara: Uh, yes. I'm watching this, but should we have a break?
Nostalgia Critic: Sure, take a break with Kit Kat. 
Tamara: Gee, thanks, Critic. (Takes a break with Kit Kat)
Nostalgia Critic: Malcolm, care for a bag of pretzel M&M's and a bottle of Starbucks Frappuccino with caramel?
Malcolm: Yes, I'd love to. (Shakes Starbucks Frappuccino Caramel well and sips once) Oh. Good Frappuccino. (Opens a bag of pretzel M&M's and eats some) Oh, those taste really sweet, really salty and really crunchy.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes. Yes, they are.
Tamara: Once you put the pretzel ones inside those M&M's, are they recently delicious?
Nostalgia Critic: I know they're delicious.
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