Lesbian Porn

Lesbian Porn is the twenty-fourth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show and the second episode of the third season. It was written by thatjess and released on June 13, 2022.
==Transcript==
[Exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: This is Daddy Pig’s fiance Mummy Sheep’s house. Mummy Sheep has an OnlyFans page.
[Mummy Sheep is in her bedroom somberly scrolling on her phone. Daddy Pig walks in.]
Daddy Pig: Hey my scrunkly baby, what’s the matter?
Mummy Sheep: Don’t call me that ever again.
Daddy Pig: Sorry. I just thought I’d stop by on my way home from work to run some ideas by you for our wedding.
Mummy Sheep: Fire away.
Daddy Pig: Okay, so… I was thinking we could have maybe a themed wedding or something.
Mummy Sheep: Look Daddy Pig, I’m not really in the mood right n-
Daddy Pig: How do you feel about Christmas carols?
Mummy Sheep: Christmas carols? Daddy Pig, it’s the middle of June. 
Daddy Pig: I know, I know! I’m just thinking out loud here, but would it not just be so romantic if we got married with artificial snow everywhere, Mariah Carey in the background and sleigh bells everywhere?
Mummy Sheep: It’s the middle of June.
Daddy Pig: Well if you don’t like it, you could just say it to my face! (snorts and crosses his arms)
Mummy Sheep: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just… not feeling it right now.
Daddy Pig: What’s wrong? You know you can tell me anything, right?
Mummy Sheep: I don’t really talk about it.
Daddy Pig: Okay, I understand. Well, I guess I ought to be going then-
Mummy Sheep: It’s just that my OnlyFans hasn’t been doing that well lately!
Daddy Pig: I thought you didn’t wanna talk abou-
Mummy Sheep: I’ve gone down from being in the top 0.6% to being in the top 2%! I just… I just don’t understand! Is my content not good enough for these degenerates!
Daddy Pig: I think your content is good enough.
Mummy Sheep: Well yeah, but you’re my fiance for fuck’s sake! You worship the toilet seat I sit on.
Daddy Pig: You have a nice toilet.
Mummy Sheep: True, but… (sighs) I just don’t get it.
[Mummy Sheep starts scrolling through her OnlyFans followers.]
Mummy Sheep: LizLube49, JiggleJoel69, CumGobblerTanny69… CrazySponge-
Daddy Pig: Wait, what was that?
Mummy Sheep: CrazySponge?
Daddy Pig: No, no, that first one.
Mummy Sheep: Oh. LizLube49?
Daddy Pig: Yeah. Isn’t Liz a girl’s name?
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: HOLY SHIT YOU’RE FUCKING RIGHT!
[Mummy Sheep starts frantically scrolling through her OnlyFans followers.]
Mummy Sheep: Jesus Christ half of these are women! They’re… they’re… they’re…
Daddy Pig: Yeah?
[Closeup of Mummy Sheep’s face]
Mummy Sheep: Lesbians.
[Dramatic sting.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Sheep’s OnlyFans followers are gay as fuck.
Mummy Sheep: I’ve been going about this wrong my whole career! That shoot with Mr. Krabs where I pretended to be a corpse, all those tentacles I’ve shoved up myself! They’ve all been for nothing!
Daddy Pig: Woah, woah, woah, now let’s not get carried away here-
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig, I’m sorry but… I know what I have to do.
Daddy Pig: You don’t mean you’re going to-
Mummy Sheep: That’s right. I’m going to make… lesbian porn.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Heh, that’s the name of the episode.
Mummy Sheep: And I know just where to start!
[Exterior shot of Lesbians R Us. Mummy Sheep walks through the automatic glass doors.]
Scott the Woz: Welcome one and all to Lesbians R Us! Your one stop shop for all your lesbian needs!
Mummy Sheep: Um, hey. Could I-
Scott the Woz: Oh, sorry, I don’t actually work here. I just really like lesbians.
Mummy Sheep: Huh.
Scott the Woz: Yeah, you see I’m what they call a “recreational virgin”. As a straight male if I surround myself with lesbians my chance of getting laid goes down considerably. 
Mummy Sheep: I see. Why’d you want to be a virgin though?
Scott the Woz: Unclear.
[Mummy Sheep approaches a counter.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey, you work here right?
Pluto: Work here? I founded this place. Welcome to Lesbians R Us, what can I get you today?
Mummy Sheep: Do you have any double A batteries?
Pluto: Oh, uh… right. They’re just behind the counter.
Mummy Sheep: Great. Also, do you know where I could find any lesbians around here?
Pluto: Well do call us Lesbians R Us for a reason.
Mummy Sheep: Huh. I thought that was just a weird gen Z marketing thing, like Hot Topic. Fucking freezing in there.
Pluto: What type of lesbian are you in the market for today?
Mummy Sheep: Well er… I want someone hot, but not too hot and preferably not a minor so I can shoot porn with them and-
Pluto: You a first time lesbian owner?
Mummy Sheep: Well my daughter was a lesbian, but… she died.
Pluto: Lol what a fucking loser. Anyway, if you come with me I can show you our wares.
[Mummy Sheep follows Pluto down a hallway of various lesbians.]
Pluto: Here at Lesbians R Us we have lesbians of all shapes, colors and size-
Mummy Sheep: (pointing off-screen) I want that one.
Pluto: You didn’t let me-
Mummy Sheep: I want that one.
[Pan over to reveal that Mummy Sheep is pointing to Zoltan’s Mum.]
Zoltan’s Mum: Aw dammit! You pointed me out! I was doing the 24 Hours Hiding Inside a Warehouse challenge!
Pluto: Aren’t you Zoltan’s mom?
Zoltan’s Mum: I wish I wasn’t sometimes. All the time, in fact. 
Peppa Pig Narrator: Zoltan’s Mum is a famous YouTuber with over a million subscribers… she also has an OnlyFans page.
Pluto: I didn’t know you were a lesbian.
Zoltan’s Mum: I’m not, I’m just a massive slut.
Pluto: Huh.
Mummy Sheep: This one is perfect, Pluto!
Pluto: But… she’s not even for sale!
Zoltan’s Mum: I could be. Name your price.
[Zoltan jumps out from hiding on one of the shelves]
Zoltan: Mum, what are you doing?
Zoltan’s Mum: Shut up Zoltan, I’m trying to make us some easy money here!
Mummy Sheep: Um… I… I have five pounds in my purse I think?
[Tan jumps out from hiding on another shelf]
Tan: OH MY GOD MUM! WE COULD BUY LIKE… SOME ICARLY DVDS WITH THAT!
Zoltan’s Mum: Well, I do like my iCarly… okay, it’s a deal!
Pluto: Great! I’ll get this lesbian all ready at the till for you. Now, we will have to do a quick background check. Do you have a Lesbians R Us membership card?
Mummy Sheep: I don’t think so. Do you take book tokens?
[Bubble transition to Mummy Sheep, Zoltan’s Mum and Pluto at the till.]
Pluto: Okay so everything seems to be alright, so that’ll be five pounds please.
[Mummy Sheep hands the money to Pluto, who hands the money to Zoltan’s Mum, who hands the money to Tan.]
Pluto: We do also offer a twenty four month warranty in case anything happens to your lesbian.
Mummy Sheep: No thanks. 
Pluto: Are you sure? Owning a lesbian is a pretty big responsibility. 
Zoltan’s Mum: He’s right, you know.
Mummy Sheep: I think we’ll be fine.
Pluto: Great. We also do-
[He realises Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum have already gone.]
Pluto: -...bags for life.
[Cut to Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum walking out the shop.]
Zoltan’s Mum: So… what exactly do you need me for?
Mummy Sheep: Porn.
Zoltan’s Mum: Fuck yeah.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob, Gary 2, Sikowitz and Daddy Pig eating at The Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: What’s the matter, Daddy Pig? You’re barely touching your bacon Krabby Patty.
Daddy Pig: I’ve been trying to cut back on the bacon ever since I realised it comes from… well… you know.
SpongeBob: Ah.
Daddy Pig: Also my soon-to-be wife is having sex with women now.
Gary 2: (imitating Michaal Rosen) Noice.
Daddy Pig: No, it’s not nice!
Gary 2: Noice.
Daddy Pig: It’s not noice! My fiance is into women now!
Sikowitz: Ah, you see this is your problem, Mr. Pig. It’s best to get your bitches while they’re young, like me.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Why do we still hang around with you?
Sikowitz: I help pay your rent, I could easily live somewhere else if you-
SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Gary 2: No, no, no, it’s fine. 
[Mummy Sheep walks in.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: (folds arms) Hello.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: Wh- What’s the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?
Daddy Pig: Oh, oh it’s nothing really. Just you and your LESBIAN PORN!
[Everyone in the restaurant suddenly stops and turns to Daddy Pig.]
Squidward: (poking his head up behind the counter, grinning) This ought to be fun.
Mummy Sheep: What’s wrong with my lesbian porn? My OnlyFans page is doing better than ever! You should be grateful.
Daddy Pig: I guess. I just, I just… I just feel unwanted, that’s all.
Mummy Sheep: Oh don’t be such a twat. It’s not that you’re not wanted.
Daddy Pig: I’m not?
Mummy Sheep: No! It’s just that this whole lesbian porn thing is making me more money than your fat ass ever will!
[At this point the Krusty Krab’s customers start murmuring amongst themselves.]
SpongeBob: Um, Daddy Pig? Maybe we should be leavi-
Daddy Pig: No! I’m not just gonna stand here while my almost-wife is off having more fun with… women! Maybe this is what Mummy Pig felt like when I was cheating on her.
Mummy Sheep: I’M NOT CHEATING ON YOU! I’M JUST SHOOTING LESBIAN PORN FOR MY ONLYFANS!
Daddy Pig: I don’t care! I don’t even get lesbians anyway! Why can’t they just like men like normal women?!
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig we really should be-
Gary 2: Isn’t your daughter Peppa a lesbian?
Daddy Pig: Well, yeah but… she’s not like other lesbians.
Mummy Pig: For your information, Daddy Pig, Zoltan’s Mum is the nicest lesbian I have met in a long time. And she’s not even a lesbian! She’s just a massive slut! Like me! This is my business, Daddy Pig, and I’m not proud of it either. And if you don’t like it, then… then… well, you can just leave!
[Daddy Pig stands up.]
Daddy Pig: ALRIGHT! MAYBE I WILL!
Mummy Sheep: FINE!
[Daddy Pig storms out of the restaurant. Pause.]
Sikowitz: If he’s not gonna finish his Krabby Patty, can I have it?
[Bubble transition to Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum walking through a public park. Tan is following the two with a camera.]
Tan: Mum, do I have to film your porn videos?
Zoltan’s Mum: Do you want those iCarly DVDs or not?
Tan: Do you want me to focus on your tits or pussy?
Mummy Sheep: We’re gonna be scissoring today.
[Mummy Sheep takes her handbag out, pulls out a blindfold and some duct tape and gives it to Zoltan’s Mum.]
Mummy Sheep: Put these on.
Zoltan’s Mum: What the hell?
Mummy Sheep: I’m gonna pretend to kidnap you.
Zoltan’s Mum: Why the fuck would you want to do that?
Mummy Sheep: One of my simps requested it, I really hate this industry sometimes. Most of the time even. Just do it.
Zoltan’s Mum: Alright. If fish can pretend to be kidnapped, then so can I!
[Mummy Sheep starts taking off her clothes. Two police officers run over.]
Police Officer Panda: Hey! What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?
Mummy Sheep: Oh, you see officers, we're just shooting an OnlyFans thing over here. I can give you a discount on your first month if you want.
Police Officer Squirrel: Shooting pornography in a public park?
Mummy Sheep: Uh…
Police Officer Squirrel: In broad daylight?
Mummy Sheep: How about a discount on your first two months?
Police Officer Panda: She drives a hard bargain, PC Squirrel.
Police Officer Squirrel: You two are under arrest for public indecency. 
[Pause.]
Zoltan’s Mum: IF FISH CAN BREAK THE LAW, THEN SO CAN I!
[Zoltan’s Mum attempts to run off, but Police Officer Squirrel tases her and she falls to the floor. Cut to Mummy Sheep and Zoltan’s Mum in a prison cell.]
Zoltan’s Mum: What’s up guys?! It’s your girl Zoltan’s Mum here, and today we’re doing the 24 Hours Inside a Prison Cell Challenge!
Mummy Sheep: Who are you talking to? There aren’t any cameras allowed in here.
Zoltan’s Mum: It’s a coping mechanism, just let me work through this.
Mummy Sheep: I’m sorry.
[Suddenly, Police Officer Squirrel and Daddy Pig approach the cell. Police Officer Squirrel opens the door.]
Police Officer Squirrel: Mummy Sheep? You’re free to go.
Mummy Sheep: Daddy Pig? You- you bailed me out?
Daddy Pig: Of course I did, my scrunkly baby! You know I love you.
Mummy Sheep: I do? 
Daddy Pig: Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I made some really mean comments about the LGTR community-
Police Officer Squirrel: You mean the LGBTQ+ community?
Daddy Pig: Whatever. Lesbians- lesbians are valid members of this society and I shouldn’t have insulted them like that… I still don’t understand why they have an entire fucking month to themselves though.
Police Officer Squirrel: It’s to commemorate the Stonewall riots that-
Mummy Sheep: No, Daddy Pig, I’m sorry. I should have asked you first about this whole lesbian porn thing and-
Daddy Pig: Are you kidding? (snorts) I should be the one saying sorry to you. Look, if we’re going to get married soon, we’re gonna need all the money we can get. Shoot as much lesbian porn as you want.
Mummy Sheep: You mean that?
Daddy Pig: I’m in a good mood, don’t push it.
[Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig embrace.]
Mummy Sheep: Thank you, Daddy Pig. Seriously though, do not call me a “scrunkly baby” ever again or I will murder you.
[After a pause, everyone falls to the floor in a fit of laughter.]
Peppa Pig Narrator: Mummy Sheep loves making death threats! EVERYONE loves making death threats!
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