My child doesn't exist.

My child doesn't exist. is the fifth episode and season 1 finale of I hate my child..
== Synopsis ==
Zoltan's father visits the family, so Golf, Aaron, Prim, and Jeff save the day.
== Transcript ==
[The episode starts with Tan flying a plane]
Tan: Hello, uh, boarders? We are arriving to our final destination so buckle your seatbelts real good. We thank you for choosing Tan Airlines.
Zoltan: Just land already!
[Cut to the plane getting ready to crash outside the Auger household but before hitting the ground, inexplicably vanishing in a puff of white smoke. The characters appear one by one with a pop]
Bot: [appears] Well, that trip sucked.
Zoltan: [appears, bleeding from the mouth] I’ll say.
Tan: [appears] Whoa, what happened to you?
Smooth voiceover: He didn’t buckle his seatbelt real good.
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Shut up, Meg.
[Laugh track]
Crazy: [appears, barks, then disappears]
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Shut up, Brian.
[Laugh track]
Tan: How often does he die?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Like every second.
[Laugh track]
Tan: Understandable.
[Laugh track, an off-screen loading of a gun, shots being fired and screams from an audience]
Bot: So now what?
Zoltan: What a dumb question! TELEVISION!
[Zoltan and Bot rush to the living room, wherein Zoltan turns on the TV, showing Peter and Brian Griffin making out]
Bot: I love this show.
Cactus: I prefer Bob’s Burgers.
[Uncomfortably long silence as Zoltan and Bot stare disappointedly at Cactus. Cut to Crazy appearing with a pop under the plane, semi-conscious. He sees French Guy and Mike holding on to the plane]
Mike: So when do we--
French Guy: Shush! Not yet! We must wait a bit…
Crazy: Uh, [coughs blood] who are you guys?
French Guy: MERDE! WE’VE BEEN CAUGHT!
Mike: Let me get the gun-inator.
[Crazy vanishes then re-appears inside the Auger household]
Crazy: PEOPLE PEOPLE THERE’S A FRENCH GUY AND A Mii from Nintendo’s Wii™ UNDER THE PLANE WHO MIGHT BE GAY-- not that there’s anything wrong with that of course.
Bot: what
Zoltan: French? What country do they speak that language?
Cactus: Somaliland.
Bot: What about the Mii?
Zoltan: You?
Bot: No, I mean the Mii.
Zoltan: You’re mean to me?
Bot: Oh, I would never…
Cactus: She said the Mii.
Zoltan: [with piles of fluff in his ears] Vasectomy?
Tan: Wait a minute… Oh no. Zoltan, a French guy, and a Mii…..
Zoltan: Wait… oh no…. oh no…
Tan: Oh no…
Zoltan: Oh no…
[The Kool-Aid Man enters the house by breaking a wall]
Kool-Aid Man: OH YEAH!
Bot: Heh. Family Guy.
Zoltan: People, we must run!
Tan: To my house!
Bot: You have a house?
Tan: Yes.
Bot: o
Crazy: o
Cactus: Do you pay your mortgage?
Tan: Of course not. I’m not a sheep.
Zoltan: LET’S RUN!
[They run away, as the camera focuses on Kool-Aid Man. Suddenly, French Guy and Mike come out of the Kool-Aid]
French Guy: They won’t get away from us!
Mike: Oh, this thing is delicious…
French Guy: Lucky us, they left the plane here!
Mike: This is better than French wine! [gets slapped by French Guy] OUCH! Rude.
[Cut to Tan and the others running]
Tan: Alright, my house should be he–HOLY SHIT!
[The house has been destroyed, with the plane from earlier crashed on top of it]
Tan: WHAT THE FUCK!
[Tons of people gather around the destroyed house]
News reporter: Sir, was this your house?
Tan: YES!
News reporter: How does it feel to be part of the second 9/11?
Tan: UH…
Zoltan: IT WAS THE FRENCH!
News reporter: Folks, it was the French.
Tan: Oh dear God…
Zoltan: THE FRENCH CAUSED 9/11 2!
News reporter: Yeah, sure. Alright let’s go guys.
Tan: My house…
Zoltan: Look on the bright side Tan, my parents probably died during this whole thing!
Bot: YOUR WHAT?!
Zoltan: Aw shit.
Bot: YOU MEAN MY WHORE GRANDMA ISN’T YOUR MOTHER?! I HAVE FRENCH BLOOD?!
Tan: Zoltan you’re an idiot.
Zoltan: So what do we do now?
Bot: Oh my God… my life is a lie…
Zoltan: Your life has always been a lie. You don’t exist.
Tan: Whoa.
[The scene is replaced with a completely white screen for a few seconds]
Smooth voiceover: I told Zoltan he shouldn’t start breaking the fourth wall like that. He knows that we’ll all disappear… except me, of course, because I cannot be killed. 
[We hear a gunshot, and it cuts back to the characters outside the destroyed house.]
Tan: Alright… everyone but me and Zoltan, go back home.
Bot: Why?
Zoltan: Just go.
Bot: Alright, but you have some explaining to do.
[Bot, Crazy, and Cactus go back home]
Tan: Oh Zoltan, what are we gonna do now?
Zoltan: You can live at my house, but you’re sleeping in the basement.
Tan: Ugh… are you sure your parents are dead?
Zoltan: Of course! They crashed a plane! They’re surely dead!
[French Guy appears on screen]
French Guy: Are you sure about that?
[Zoltan and Tan scream in French]
Zoltan: Oh shit, I haven’t seen you in years! TAN, LET’S RUN!
[They try to run, but are stopped by Mike, who is holding a gun]
Tan: Oh, come on! Since when did CartoonGuy277 give these characters guns?!
Zoltan: What do you two want?! Do you want to kill us?!
French Guy: No, son. I just want to talk.
Tan: While your husband holds a gun and you’ve just destroyed my house.
Mike: No one cares about you, Tan. He wants to talk to our son.
Tan: Fuck you!
Zoltan: Yeah! We don’t want to talk to you two! Your sick plan to make the world French will never work!
French Guy: I realised that a long time ago...now I just want to talk...and maybe make the world just ACT MORE like the French.
Zoltan: That asshole Mike killed Bunny! And you defended him! That’s why I left home… and I see you’re still just an awful Frenchman and an awful French ally!
French Guy: Son, your words deeply hurt me...but let me explain to you my motives….in French!
Zoltan: For fuck’s sake–
French Guy: Bien que oui, j'appelle les hamburgers des jambons cuits à la vapeur, ce n'est pas parce que je veux être différent, c'est juste une expression utilisée d'où je suis né. C'était un petit village en France…
[Cut to Travis and Liz watching it all]
Liz: What the hell? What do you think he’s saying?
Travis: I don’t know and I don’t care.
Liz: Shouldn’t we tell Bot about this?
Travis: Uh, sure, whatever.
[Liz calls Bot on her phone]
Bot (phone): Hello?
Liz: Uh, hi, Bot, um...there’s this French Guy and this Mii pointing a gun at your dad and another guy…
Bot (phone): WHAT.
Travis: Do you know them?
Bot (phone): I think they might just be my grandparents…
Travis: Ew, you have French blood? Liz, hang up, we gotta shower.
Bot (phone): Fuck you, Travis. Also, those two are terrorists.
Liz: Wait wha–
Bot (phone): I’m coming! [hangs up]
Travis: Let me grab something to throw at her.
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house, where the two are partying with Prim, Jeffrey Epstein and his gang of lemurs]
Golf: HOLY SMOKES!
[One of the lemurs is dressed up as a sexy strawberry, who Golf starts groping]
Aaron: I didn’t know you were such a party animal, Golf. That Jeffrey Epstein guy really helped you come out of your shell.
Jeffrey Epstein: Oh, it’s not me. I think Private really just discovered himself. 
[We see Golf tongue-kissing a lemur, before it cuts to Bot arriving where Travis and Liz are]
Travis: IT’S TIME! [he is about to throw a rock at Bot, but is stopped by Liz] Bitch.
Bot: Oh God…so, where are they?
Liz: Right over here.
[they get closer to French Guy and Mike]
Bot: Oh no….
French Guy: Ce que vous savez sur le fait de rouler dans les profondeurs si votre cerveau s'engourdit, vous pouvez appeler cela un gel mental quand ces gens parlent trop mettent cette merde au ralenti ouais je me sens comme un astronaute dans l'océan.
Bot: I wonder what all that means.
Liz: Probably something about fucking baguettes.
Travis: what
Bot: We have to find a way to save my dad!
Travis: Do we have to?
Bot: Yes! He hates me!
Liz: Makes sense.
Travis: Yeah, I also hate you.
Liz: That’s not what I meant.
Bot: I think I know just the guy who can help us...and he’s probably robbing a store near here.
[Cut to them going to a store, where CartoonGuy is pointing a gun at the cashier, who is giving him money]
CartoonGuy: Thank you for your service.
Bot: Called it.
[They very slowly enter the store]
Bot: Hello Mr. CartoonGuy!
CartoonGuy: Oh hi Bot! How’s Chip Rockefeller’s corpse?
Bot: Rotting.
CartoonGuy: Good to hear, how’s the familia?
Bot: Yeah, that’s the problem.
CartoonGuy: Who died?
Bot: No one… yet.
CartoonGuy: What is that supposed to mean?
Bot: My grandpa is holding dad at gunpoint.
CartoonGuy: That’s usual in my family.
Bot: Well yeah but this isn’t your family.
CartoonGuy: I wish I could be with my family. You know, having a shower with them.
[Bot, Liz and Travis look at him with concern]
CartoonGuy: IT’S NORMAL IN ITALIA!
Bot: Yeah right, so are you helping me with my dad and French grandpa or not?
Liz: Please Mr. CartoonGuy!
CartoonGuy: Hmm…. French grandpa? I hate the French...I have an idea.
Bot: What is it?
CartoonGuy: [grabs a bottle of wine] The French love wine...this’ll distract him! Although it’s the superior Italian wine.
Bot: Of course, alcohol!
[cut to CartoonGuy putting down the wine on the street]
CartoonGuy: This must work.
Liz: Yeah that stupid Frenchie loves his–
Travis: I wonder if Golf still fucks strawberries.
[They see a lemur running in a hurry down the street, in a torn strawberry costume]
Lemur: You’ve got to help me, man! This penguin is after me!
[Golf chases after the lemur]
Golf: IT’S YOUR DEADLINE!
[cut to French Guy and Mike]
French Guy: Do you understand now, Zoltan?
Tan: Do you like Friends?
Mike: What?
French Guy: Wait! My Frenchie sense is tingling! 
Mike: Pierre, what?
[cut to French Guy running to the wine]
French Guy: Here I am, sweetie.
[camera pans to CartoonGuy and Bot]
CartoonGuy: Alright, he’s coming.
[glass breaking sounds are heard]
Liz: Holy cow he jumped on it.
French Guy (off screen): AAH! THAT HURTS BUT AT LEAST YOUR PRECIOUS JUICE IS ON ME!
Bot: What a weirdo.
CartoonGuy: Well, he is French.
[cut to Mike talking to Zoltan]
Mike: And so like the kid wanted to be in the art school, but his art looked like shit, so I rejected him. Worst mistake of my life.
[Bot, Liz and Travis run to Zoltan]
Bot: French Guy is injured.
Mike: WHAT THE SCHEIßE DID YOU THREE DO TO PIERRE?!
Travis: We injured him, dumbass.
[Mike shoots Travis dead]
Bot: Come on Dad, let’s go home.
Zoltan: Let’s.
[They all happily walk back home while happy music plays]
Mike: [runs over to Pierre] Pierre…...talk to me! What have they done to you?
French Guy: Le verre.....ça fait mal.....mais ça valait le coup......vin....jus précieux..... chaud.
[Cut to the sky, where Golf is flying with Epstein, Prim, and Aaron all on top of him]
Epstein: Okay, so rule one of being friends with Epstein: You only fuck kids, not lemurs. Got that, Skipper?
Aaron: His name is Golf.
Golf: Pecks.
Epstein: Nah I won’t show you my pecs, I only do that to underage girls.
Prim: How do i leave this place? Also you are literally naked except for a leaf covering your penis–
Aaron: [is looking at Mike and French Guy] Wait, is that famous christian musician Mike?
Epstein: Who’s Mike?
Aaron and Golf: [in unison] Mike Source.
Epstein: That name sounds familiar…
Golf: ALL HANDS ON SEAT! BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELTS! WE’RE LANDING! FULL SPEED AHEAD!
[Golf lands next to Mike and Pierre]
Golf: We have arrived.
Epstein: Wait a minute...is that….PIERRE! MIKE!
French Guy: EPSTEIN!
Mike: EPSTEIN?
Epstein: PIERRE!
French Guy: EPSTEIN!
Mike: EPSTEIN…
Epstein: MIKE!
French Guy: EPSTEIN!
Epstein: What are you doing here, my French pedo pal?
French Guy: I am injured, Jeff…..all because of some children, my son, and another guy.
Epstein: Oh no! But children...
French Guy: Avenge me, Epstein...AVENGE ME!
Epstein: I will, monsieur. I even know another one of my pals around here who can help me… his name is Paul Renaud. 
French Guy: Good…..avenge me for the actions of Zoltan, Tan, Zoltan’s child, pet, plant. two other kids, I don’t know…..AVENGE ME!
Epstein: I WILL! Let me just call Paul Renaud! [gets his phone]
Golf: This is why happiness is unproductive.
Aaron: Bloody hell, did you two hear what he just said?! He’ll do something to our beloved weird neighbors! We must stop him and Renaud!
Golf: Renaud is a friend of mine.
Aaron: Stop being a prat, Golf, we must warn Zoltan of what is about to happen!
Prim: Do we have to?
[Cut to everyone at Zoltan’s house]
Zoltan: Well, I sure am glad everything is back to normal!
Tan: We’re ten pages in, so I guess this episode might as well end here!
Bot: Everyone loves a happy ending! See you in season 2!
[Aaron, Golf and Prim destroy the door]
Zoltan: Oh, hey guys! What an entrance you made! Now pay for replacing the door.
Aaron: There’s no time. YOU’RE GOING TO DIE
Zoltan: What?
Prim: A FRENCH GUY AND FAMOUS CHRISTIAN MUSICIAN MIKE SOURCE HAVE SENT JEFFREY EPSTEIN AND PAUL RENAUD TO “HAVE THEIR REVENGE”!
Golf: YOU MUST EVACUATE THE HOUSE!
Crazy: I, for one, welcome our new MAP overlords.
Bot: Okay, we’ll evacuate the house, and where will we go?
Crazy: I heard Panama is a good tax haven, perfect for us people that don’t pay taxes!
Zoltan: That’s too far away…
Crazy: Yeah, I guess Africa isn’t that close...
Tan: Seattle?
Zoltan: Why would we go to Seattle?
Tan: iCarly.
[Renaud and Epstein walk into the house with guns]
Epstein: Whoa, there’s no door!
Zoltan: Whoa, you have no clothes!
Cactus: Whoa, you have guns!
Bot: DON’T SHOOT!
Renaud: Don’t worry, we won’t shoot!
Epstein: Yeah, Pierre just wants to talk!
Bot: Oh, that’s a relief-[gets hit with the gun in the head by Epstein, getting knocked out]
Zoltan: WHAT THE–
Renaud: See, we won’t shoot!
[Everyone gets knocked out after getting hit with the guns, with only Golf, Prim, and Aaron remaining]
Epstein: We won’t knock them out, they’re my friends, they didn’t have anything to do with this.
Aaron: Yeah, totally!
Renaud: Why don’t you guys help us carry these passed out losers to Frenchie and Matt?
Epstein: Mike.
Golf: Why, of course we will help you, Paul.
[Cut to a building, where a cured French Guy, Mike, Renaud, Epstein, Golf, Aaron and Prim are looking at the passed out people tied up on the floor]
Mike: I’m tired of waiting.
French Guy: So am I!
Mike: We need water!
Aaron: I know how to get some… [grabs a strawberry and puts it in front of Golf, then puts a bucket under the strawberry, which gets filled with saliva from Golf’s mouth]
[Golf devours the strawberry]
Aaron: Ah, a nice bucket of saliva! [throws the saliva at the passed out people, waking them up]
Crazy: Oh YEAH!
Bot: Jesus Christ, this smells like Chip Rockefeller’s corpse!
French Guy: Attention fools! You are all tied up because I must talk with my son, Zoltan. The rest of you are unimportant. By the way, fuck you, Tan.
Tan: Likewise.
French Guy: Son, I have tried explaining everything to you, but you didn’t want to listen. Perhaps now that you are tied up here, you will listen.
Zoltan: Okay, but can I wait to listen until the next episode is written?
French Guy: Why? Just so you can prolong my suffering even more?
Bot: Our writers are really lazy, and this document is hella long.
French Guy: I REFUSE! I don’t care what episode I say it in, I’m going to plead for my son’s forgiveness. So, it all started when–
[Episode suddenly ends]
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