Election Night in the Shallow Seas: Battle for the Soul of the Nation

Election Night in the Shallow Seas: Battle for the Soul of the Nation is a film serving as the culmination of the first three seasons of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. 
==Synopis ==
As Election Day arrives, political tensions soar. Meanwhile, a Supreme Court nominee prepares to get confirmed, Joe Biden tries to win the love of his crush, and ICC officers O'Malley and Johnson attempt to capture Bikini Bottom's most notorious war criminals.
== Transcript ==
[The film begins one day before the 2020 Bikini Bottom presidential election, at the International Criminal Court (ICC) headquarters. The head of the court is speaking to ICC Officers O’Malley and Johnson.]
ICC Head: Officers O’Malley and Johnson! You two have failed to capture a single one of the Bikini Bottom war criminals you’ve been assigned! In fact, not only that, but two international criminals have escaped from here under your watch! Due to your reckless incompetence, I will have no choice but to fire you. 
Officer Johnson: WHAT 
Officer O’Malley: Sir, you’ve got to give us one more chance! We’ll catch them, I swear! 
ICC Head: Hmm...fine. But you need to capture them before the election! Remember, it’ll be much more difficult to detain Mr. Biden and Mr. G once they’re officially serving in the government! 
Officer Johnson: On it! We won’t let you down, sir! 
ICC Head: I sure hope not. 
[Cut to the Biden residence.]
Mr. Biden: [sighs] I don’t know what to do, Jack. 
Mr. Banana: What is it, Joe?
Mr. Biden: There’s a particular woman I’ve been pining over, but I just don’t know how to get her to notice me. 
Mr. Banana: And what woman would that be? 
Mr. Biden: Travis Pineapple. 
Mr. Banana: WHAT?! But Joe, she’s a radical Marxist! 
Mr. Biden: Love transcends politics, Jack. If I only fucked children who I agreed with politically, I’d have virtually no one! 
Mr. Banana: Well, I suppose you’ve got a point there. Why, even if a communist pear loved music, I’d have no problem shoving my GIRTHY BANANA COCK into them!
Mr. Biden: Exactly! Say, Jack, do you think you could give me a few pointers? Your banana milkshake brings all the fruit to the yard!
Mr. Banana: Of course! In fact, there are two other romance gurus I know who can help you out as well! [takes out his phone, sending a few texts] 
[Suddenly, Mr. Renaud and Mr. Trump enter the room.] 
Mr. Trump: We’re here!
Mr. Renaud: Tell us about the kiddie!
Mr. Biden: I'm glad you're here! Now, let's cut to the cheese- uh…. Chase! That's it. So, she's 19-
[Mr. Renaud and Mr. Trump leave and close the door.]
Mr. Banana: I thought she was a high schooler. 
Mr. Biden: You’re right, Jack. I must have confused her with Travis Penile! Paul, Donald, come back! It’s okay! She’s 14! [runs out the door]
[Suddenly, two ICC officers storm into the residence.]
Officer Johnson: HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! 
[Mr. Banana gasps, turning around to see the two ICC officers.]
Officer O’Malley: Tell us where Joe Biden is, or you’re going down! 
[Mr. Banana quickly dresses up Officer Johnson as a strawberry and Officer O’Malley as a pear. The two blink at each other.]
Mr. Banana: COME HERE, SEXY, SEXY FRUIT! [rips off his peel, jumping toward the ICC officers]
[Suddenly, Mr. Biden, Mr. Renaud, and Mr. Trump return to the room, failing to find Mr. Pineapple. They blink, taking out notepads and writing notes.]
Mr. Biden: Are we still gonna fuck children tonight?
Mr. Trump: Unfortunately I can’t make it. I’ve got a rally tonight!
Mr. Biden: What’s it about?
Mr. Trump: About protecting Bikini Bottom by re-electing me and defeating Sleepy Communist Joe!
Mr. Biden: Go get ‘em, Donald! Communism is the root of all evil.
[Cut to a Trump rally. Mr. Trump walks up to the stage and waves at a packed crowd. Mr. Pence is DJing “YMCA”.]
Mr. Trump: Welp, this is it...what’s up, losers?
[The crowd cheers hysterically.]
Mr. Trump: [dancing to the music] Oh man, I really love you wonderful people! I wanna just hug and kiss all the beautiful women and men out here!
Mr. Pence: Wait, did he just say “men”?! I should’ve stuck with Tim!
Mr. Trump: You know, Evan McMuffin has a pathetic hairline. I mean, if you’re gonna get into politics, then you have to look good. Like me.
Mr. Lobster: [shouts out from the audience] Yeah! Who the hell does Justin Trudeau think he is, some sort of supermodel?!
Mr. Trump: And did I tell you about how sick I am of seeing President Obama constantly chew gum?! And then on top of that, he takes it out of his mouth, and puts it back! You can’t do it, it’s disgusting!
Mr. Lobster: [shouts out from the audience] Yeah! You heard the man!
Mr. Trump: Unfortunately, Crooked Hillary—I mean, Sleepy Joe—is attempting to STEAL this ELECTION. We cannot let that happen. Who will join me?!
Crowd: [yells in unison] ME!
Mr. Trump: I wanna see you all scream with passion! WHO WILL JOIN ME?!
Crowd: [yells louder in unison] ME!
Mr. Trump: If Sleepy Joe wins, Bikini Bottom will be run by lunatics. His campaign manager thinks music is THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
Mr. Lobster: Ha, that’s insane! What else is the enemy of the people, the press?
Mr. Trump: But speaking of sound music and other things, I’d like to introduce you to one of the big superstars of the world, Little Pimp! [points at Mr. Pimp] How's it going, you wanna say something? Does everyone know who he is? You know how big he is? That's a nice hat, come on, say something.
[Mr. Pimp walks up to the stage.]
Mr. Pimp: What’s up everybody?
[The crowd cheers hysterically.]
Mr. Lobster: I have no idea who this guy is, but I love him!
Mr. Pimp: Mr. President, I appreciate everything you’ve done for our country, you brought the troops home, and you’re doing the right thing. MAGA 20-20-20! Don’t forget that, and do NOT vote for Sleepy Joe AT ALL!
[Mr. Pimp leaves the stage.]
Mr. Trump: Anyways, I too have to go now! See ya, losers!
[Mr. Trump walks to a helicopter that quickly flies away. As the crowd looks at it in awe, someone suddenly starts coughing. It spreads, and a few minutes later, everyone starts coughing.]
Mr. Lobster: Trump has time for us—[coughs]—but WHERE’S HUNTER?! [coughs]
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion. He enters his classroom, taking off his mask and walking over to a potted plant, kissing it.] 
Mr. R’Onion: I’m home, sweetie! Tomorrow’s Election Day! Soon you’ll be First Lady! 
Mr. Pineapple: Wait a minute, you live here? And why are you kissing a plant?
Mr. R’Onion: Travis! How incredibly unprofessional for you to sneak up on me like that!
Mr. Pineapple: It’s past sundown and you still haven’t released me from detention! I thought I was going to spend all of tonight and tomorrow in this filthy ass room!
Mr. R’Onion: How could this room be filthy, when it’s filled with all kinds of plants?
Mr. Pineapple: You just answered your own question.
Mr. R’Onion: Travis! For insulting all my wives, you’re failing this quarter! Anyways, you got a call today.
Mr. Pineapple: I did?
Mr. R’Onion: Yep, you have a secret admirer that wants to take you out for dinner at the Krusty Krab tonight at 7.
Mr. Pineapple: Great! Tell them I’ll be there!
Mr. R’Onion: [leans toward Mr Pineapple] Make sure you don’t order any salads while there.
Mr. Pineapple: Of course! [runs out the door]
Mr. R’Onion: Hey! Wait! You’re still in detention! [looks outside, only to see Mr. Pineapple not stopping] Ah well, there really is nothing like the power of love! [takes out an old photo of a younger Mr. R’Onion with an acorn]
[Cut to the Biden residence.]
Mr. Biden: Welp, see ya, Mr. Banana. I’m off to go visit that lovely high school girl Travis. 
Mr. Banana: I don’t know what you see in high school girls. Personally I prefer MILFs. 
[Flashback to Mr. Banana with an elderly apple.]
Mr. Banana: Sooo, got any plans tonight, Granny Smith? 
[Cut to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Pineapple walks up to the cash register and observes the menu.]
Mr. Pineapple: Hmm...what shall I get on this special occasion?
Mr. Tentacles: Lemme guess, tankie, the blood of pro-democracy activists?
Mr. Pineapple: I’ll have a Communist Pineapple Deluxe, workers-and-peasants style, but make sure it’s made with the tears of the bourgeoisie! And don’t forget my toy!
Mr. Tentacles: We serve food here, sir.
Mr. Pineapple: Just give me the best you got, it’s a special occasion! I have a date!
Mr. Tentacles: Oh, really? I’ll be right on it! [walks into the kitchen, digs into a trash can, and comes back with a half-eaten Krabby Patty and Kelp Fries]
Mr. Pineapple: Yum! [takes the food]
Mr. Tentacles: Barnacle-head.
[Time passes. Mr. Pineapple can be seen sitting at a table alone with his food.]
Mr. Pineapple: When the hell is she going to be here? This better not be some sort of trick. I didn’t bring my wallet! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Biden enters the restaurant.]
Mr. Biden: I’m here, beautiful! 
Mr. Pineapple: JOE BIDEN?! You’re the secret admirer?!  I can’t go out with a right-wing war criminal! Only left-wing war criminals!
Mr. Biden: Supper’s on me. 
Mr. Pineapple: Deal!
Mr. Tentacles: “Left-wing war criminals” is an oxymoron! Real leftists don’t commit war crimes.
Mr. Pineapple: Do you think you’re a “real leftist”? Nope. You’re just a capitalist stooge.
Mr. Biden: [takes out his wallet and digs through it] Damn it, Jack, I don’t have any cash and I maxed out all my credit cards!
Mr. Pineapple: Then how can we pay? I don’t have any money either.
Mr. Biden: It’s fine. I’ll just use my supporters’ donations to my campaign. [walks up to the cash register and hands a campaign receipt to Mr. Tentacles] Keep the change, Jack.
[Suddenly, Mr. Krabs slams open his office door.]
Mr. Krabs: [shouts at Mr. Biden] YOU! What are you doing here?! READ THE SIGN! [points at a sign outside the restaurant that says “No Communists Allowed”]
Mr. Biden: I ain’t a communist, Jack, watch your mouth!
Mr. Krabs: Oh yeah? You said you were going to raise taxes on those making over $400,000 a year in the first debate! That’s communism! Get out of me restaurant!
Mr. Biden: No! I take it back! I can’t ruin this date!
Mr. Krabs: Argh...very well then.
Mr. Pineapple: I’m not going to eat at a place which doesn’t allow people like me! [stands up and proceeds to the door]
Mr. Krabs: WAIT! You don’t have to leave, ma’am!
Mr. Pineapple: But the sign said “No Communists Allowed”!
Mr. Krabs: Read the note under that.
Mr. Pineapple: [focuses on a tiny text underneath “No Communists Allowed” that says “Attractive Pineapples Get A Pass”] I see.
Mr. Krabs: And I don’t do this very often, but I’ll make your meal free, if you do me a favor right after you finish! [unzips pants]
Mr. Biden: Back off, Jack, she’s mine! I already said I’m paying for supper!
[Mr. Pepperchicken enters the Krusty Krab and walks up to the cash register.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [snaps his fingers] You already got my order.
Mr. Tentacles: Here you go sir, your Russian salami. [gives Mr. Pepperchicken the meal]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Great! A meal fit for a true heterosexual! [walks to a table and pulls out a chair]
Mr. Tentacles: [shouts at Mr. Pepperchicken] I’m sorry sir, but social distancing guidelines say that there can only be two customers eating on the premises, and we’re at maximum capacity. [points at Mr. Pineapple and Mr. Biden]
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT?! But that’s a homosexual couple!
Mr. Tentacles: Okay? We’re at maximum capacity, so you can’t eat here until they leave.
Mr. Pepperchicken: I see...very well then!
[Mr. Pepperchicken takes out an AK and points it at Mr. Pineapple and Mr. Biden, causing them to run outside, only to find two ICC officers also pointing AKs at them.]
Ms. O’Malley: There he is!
Mr. Johnson: Hands up, Joseph R. Biden, as you are hereby under arrest for crimes against humanity!
Mr. Biden: [holds up his hands] Well, it’s been a long run, Jack.
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana jumps down from the roof.]
Mr. Banana: Oh no you don’t! My friend is busy going out with a high school girl!
[Mr. Banana quickly attempts to dress up Officer Johnson as a strawberry and Officer O’Malley as a pear.]
Mr. Banana: Prepare for the GIRTHIEST BANANA COCK of all-time!
Ms. O’Malley: Nope. [takes off Mr. Banana’s dress and beats him]
Mr. Johnson: Don’t you dare attack an officer of the world’s greatest authority, sir!
Ms. O’Malley: [wipes off dust] C’mon, let’s head back to the ICC Headquarters, the No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Movie comes out tonight!
[Ms. O’Malley and Mr. Johnson go into their boat and speed off, ignoring Mr. Biden.]
Mr. Johnson: Hmm...aren’t we forgetting something?
[Cut to the Biden residence. Mr. Biden enters.]
Mr. Biden: Ah, that was a great date!
Mr. Banana: [smirks] Did you get any?
Mr. Biden: Damn it, Jack, I forgot!
Mr. Banana: Sad! But cheer up Joe, our ballots came in the mail today! [hands Mr. Biden a ballot]
Mr. Biden: Hmm...now who should I vote for...
Mr. Banana: A vote for me is a vote against music, perp scarecrows, daft pigeons, communist pineapples, and sick and deranged rabbits! [fills in a circle next to his name under the Mount Bikini Senate section of his ballot]
Mr. Biden: [sighs] I don’t know what to do, Jack.
Mr. Banana: What is it, Joe?
Mr. Biden: How do you vote on this thing? [shakes his ballot]
Mr. Banana: You see the circle next to your name under the President section of your ballot? Fill that in, and continue doing that for all your desired candidates. Though be sure to not only focus on the Presidential race, vote for me as you go down the ballot!
Mr. Biden: [sweating] Damn it, Jack, I didn’t know voting would be this hard!
Mr. Banana: Just fill in the circles!
Mr. Biden: Hold on, perhaps I need a tutorial.
[Mr. Biden takes out his phone and clicks on a video giving instructions on how to fill in a ballot. A Trump ad plays immediately before the video starts. Cut to the ad.]
Mr. Trump: Folks, this is the most important election of our lifetimes. The radical left, led by Sleepy Joe Biden, will take away your guns, make abortion as legal as tomatoes, give you socialized medicine, and worst of all, be against our beautiful, beautiful boaters. This is your last chance: vote for your favorite president, Donald J. Trump, as well as all Republican candidates down-ballot. Thank you. When this whole mess is over, we will come out STRONG!
[The ad ends.]
Mr. Biden: WHAT?! You’re saying that Sleepy Joe Biden and the radical left will destroy Bikini Bottom as we know it?! I will NOT allow this to happen! [quickly fills out his ballot, voting for every Republican candidate, including Mr. Trump]
Mr. Banana: WAIT! What are you doing?!—
Mr. Biden: No time for questions, Jack, the soul of Bikini Bottom is at stake! [grabs Mr. Banana’s ballot, fills in the unfilled sections using the same pattern, and hands it to a bodyguard] Take it to the polls, Jack!
[The bodyguard takes the ballots and walks out the door.]
Mr. Banana: [irritated] You fucking idiot.
[Cut to the ICC boat.]
Ms. O’Malley: There’s nothing like the ICC. We are officers of the world’s greatest authority, making sure every war criminal is brought to justice! We will hunt down every war criminal, and never forget our mission!
Mr. Johnson: Wait—
[Suddenly, Mr. Lobster’s boat recklessly speeds past them.]
Ms. O’Malley: Did you see that?!
Mr. Johnson: Yeah, that guy had no front license plate! Who knows what kind of war criminals are hiding in his boat?! Let’s get him! [turns on the police siren and follows the boat]
[Cut to Mr. Lobster’s boat.]
Mr. Lobster: I gotta head to the polls before anyone else, to cast the first ballot for our President!
Mrs. Lobster: You do realize that millions of fish have cast their ballots by mail already, right? 
Mr. Lobster: You mean millions of Chinese bots! Real Bikini Bottomites vote in-person!
Mrs. Lobster: [hears the police siren] Larry, the police are on your tail! You’re driving recklessly! Stop the boat!
Mr. Lobster: Stop the boat?! They’re trying to suppress my vote for DONALD J. TRUMP! [speeds up]
[Cut to the White House.]
Mr. Trump: Voting by mail is a huge threat to my re-election! RIGGED! RIGGED! RIGGED!
Mr. Pence: Don’t you think doing a terrible job as President is also a threat?
Mr. Trump: Pfft, I think I’ve done a great job! Just ask Ivanka!
Mr. Pence: Millions of fish have cast their ballots by mail already, what are you gonna do?
Mr. Trump: Get my election-rigger confirmed to the Supreme Court, where she can invalidate all of them, before the counting begins! But we’re running out of time! [takes out his phone and calls Mr. McConnell]
[Cut to the McConnell residence.]
Mr. McConnell: [answers his phone] Hello?
Mr. Trump: [on the phone] Hey Mitch, it’s Donald. What the hell are you guys doing, we’re running out of time to rig the election, and Amy still isn’t confirmed!
Mr. McConnell: Be patient, some of our Senators are still in quarantine.
Mr. Trump: How the hell can I be patient?! Sleepy Joe’s going to get me convicted if he wins!
Mr. McConnell: Yikes. Aiding and abetting genocide is punishable by death...
Mr. Trump: Well, I won’t be convicted for that.
Mr. McConnell: So it’ll be for your negligent handling of the Plague, that’s also quite serious.
Mr. Trump: Not that either.
Mr. McConnell: Then what will you be convicted for?
Mr. Trump: Tax fraud! Oh man, I don’t wanna [begins to cry] pay a fine! Mitch, you gotta get Amy confirmed RIGHT NOW! [hangs up the phone]
Mr. McConnell: Geez, what a wimp. [shouts at his assistant nearby] Assistant, arrange an emergency Senate meeting to confirm Judge Barrett to the Supreme Court!
Assistant: Sir, it’s almost midnight.
Mr. McConnell: Okay? Don’t you know that election-rigging is a 24/7 job?
[Cut to the Senate chamber. Senator Ben Sasse gives the opening statement.]
Mr. Sasse: [yawns] Welcome, Judge Barrett. Today the Senate will interview you to see if you’re competent enough to serve on the Supreme Court of Bikini Bottom.
Mrs. Barrett: Bring it on, sassy.
Mr. Sasse: Let’s start with an easy question. What are the five freedoms guaranteed under the first amendment?
Mrs. Barrett: Uh…speech, religion, press, assembly…hmm...
Mr. Sasse: Okay, that’s four, what’s the last one?
Mrs. Barrett: Uh...
Mr. McConnell: [fake coughs] Protest.
Mrs. Barrett: Yeah, that!
Mr. Sanders: Hmm, I thought I heard some assistance from Mr. McConnell here.
Mr. McConnell: Who? Me? I’m just sick with the Plague, that’s all!
Mr. Sanders: Are you sure?
Mr. McConnell: Uh… [head goes back into shell]
Mr. Sanders: I’m concerned about how you were struggling with the question, Judge Barrett. That question is on the Bikini Bottom Citizenship Test, and getting that wrong might not allow you to become a citizen.
Mrs. Barrett: Now why would you care? You’re not gonna vote for me anyways.
Mr. Sasse: Moving on. Senator Harris will ask the next question.
Mrs. Harris: Have you read about climate change? Do you believe in it?
Mrs. Barrett: Well, I don’t have firm views on the subject, I’m not a scientist.
Mrs. Harris: It’s real. There’s a general scientific consensus on it.
Mrs. Barrett: Uh...you sure?
Mrs. Harris: Yes.
Mrs. Barrett: Well...why are YOU even questioning me? As a vice presidential candidate competing against the Trump ticket, trying to hamper the confirmation of someone nominated by him is what you’re supposed to do! This is a conflict of interest!
Mrs. Harris: Judge Barrett, I’m a Senator right now. Let me do my job.
Mr. McConnell: Now Kamala, there is no need to politicize the questions.
Mrs. Harris: Politicize?! It’s climate change! It’s 100% real!
Mr. McConnell: How can you have such firm views on the subject? You’re not a scientist!
Mr. Sasse: Moving on. Senator Sullivan will ask the next question.
Mr. Sullivan: Will you assist President Trump if he contests the results of the upcoming election in the Supreme Court?
Mrs. Barrett: I won’t make any definite statements on this.
Mr. Sullivan: Ma’am, the President has spent the past few weeks spreading false conspiracy theories about voting by mail, and has repeatedly stated the election will be rigged.
Mrs. Barrett: I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.
Mr. Sullivan: Wait and see what happens? You think Bikini Bottomites want to just wait and see if a coup will happen?
Mrs. Barrett: [nervous] Hmm…
Mr. Sullivan: Please give a solid answer—
Mr. Renaud: Mrs. Barrett, would you say that age of consent laws are an unconstitutional infringement on the right to equal protection under the law?
Mr. Sasse. What? Mr. Renaud, you’re not a senator!
Mr. Renaud: Maybe not, but I meet all the qualifications! I’m at least 30, I’ve been a citizen of Bikini Bottom for over nine years, I’m an inhabitant of the state I seek to represent, and I’m a pedophile!
Mr. Sasse: SECURITY! 
[Security escorts Mr. Renaud out.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Mrs. Barrett, recently Justices Thomas and Alito came out saying the case legalizing same-sex marriage was improperly decided. Do you agree with their conclusion? 
Mr. Sasse: What? Mr. Pepperchicken, you’re not a senator either! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: No, but I’m something of an even higher status. A RUSSIAN!
Mr. Sasse: SECURITY! 
[Security escorts Mr. Pepperchicken out.]
Mrs. Barrett: Whew, good thing I didn’t answer the coup question.
Mr. Sullivan: Now, back to my question.
Mrs. Barrett: Oh no—
Mr. McConnell: I shall now declare that hearings are over, and we shall proceed to a confirmation vote.
Mrs. Barrett: Whew.
Mr. Sanders: WHAT?! Those hearings were just a bunch of softball questions, which Judge Barrett barely managed to answer!
Mr. McConnell: Look, we’re all tired, and we have a big day today. We already know how everyone in here is going to vote, it’s not a big deal.
[Suddenly, Mr. Pence enters the room.]
Mr. Pence: Greetings, all you fine heterosexuals. Are you guys beginning the hearings? I’m just here in case there are any ties.
Mr. McConnell: Actually, we just finished them, and we’re going to have a confirmation vote.
Mr. Pence: Huh. Donald called for an emergency meeting less than an hour ago, you guys are fast!
Mr. Sanders: This thing was rushed for a reason!
Mr. Pence: Be quiet, Bernie! Let’s do this. Senators, do you vote to confirm or reject the appointment Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court?
Mr. McConnell: I vote toconfirm.
Mr. Sasse: I vote to confirm.
Mr. Sanders: I vote to reject.
Mrs. Harris: I vote to reject.
Mr. Sullivan: I vote to confirm.
Mr. Sanders: MR. SULLIVAN! I thought you said you were a progressive now!
Mr. Sullivan: Oh shit, I forgot. Looks like I pulled a Joe Kennedy. But don’t worry, it’s only a tiny mistake!
[All the other senators cast their votes.]
Mr. Pence: By a one-vote margin, I can hereby declare that Judge Amy Coney Barrett has been confirmed to the Supreme Court!
Mr. Sanders: Mr. Sullivan...
Mr. Sullivan: [nervously chuckles] Uh... [runs away]
[Cut to BBTV Studios, at 1 AM on Election Day.]
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! Judge Amy Coney Barrett has now been confirmed to the Supreme Court in an emergency Senate meeting, by a one-vote margin!
Mr. Chillyrooster: Our planet is fucked.
Mr. Perkins: Calm down, Tom, this is just politics. It’s all a battle of ideas. Unless Bernie was in power, that would be disastrous.
[Cut to the White House, where the news is playing on TV.]
Mr. Trump: [watching the news] WOOHOO! Barrett’s on the Court, I’m saved! [shouts at the stairs] Ivanka, get over here, I’m feeling horny!
Mr. Pence: You know, there’s still a chance you can lose this election.
Mr. Trump: Pfft, lose? That word is NOT in my vocabulary.
[Cut to the Krusty Krab, where the news is playing on TV.]
Mr. Banana: I’m sure my opponent voted against the confirmation! He should know Mount Bikini is as red as a nice, juicy strawberry, and his vote shall cost him dearly tonight.
Mr. Tentacles: [looks at his phone] Actually, Senator Sullivan voted to confirm her. Huh. I thought he said he was a progressive now!
Mr. Banana: I’m glad he did vote for her. I support Joe Biden for President, and I also support Amy Coney Barrett for Supreme Court Justice.
Mr. Tentacles: You support Biden, and you also support someone that will rig the election against him?
Mr. Banana: It’s called bipartisanship, something Bernie cultists like you know nothing about!
Mr. Tentacles: Well, I wasn’t always into Bernie, I supported Kelpy G in the primaries! But I have since disavowed him. I found out about the extent of his illegal actions during the 2018 civil war! He’s a criminal!
Mr. Banana: Darn right, he’s a criminal! Who does he think he is, publishing evil tunes? MUSIC IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
Mr. Tentacles: [walks towards Mr. Banana and hands him a bill] Alright sir, your strawberries, pears, and leaves will be $19.99.
Mr. Banana: $19.99?! This is a violation of banana rights! I need this to survive!
Mr. Tentacles: We all need to survive, pal, and if you cared so much about survival, why are you against Bernie? He’s the only one that will guarantee healthcare to all Bikini Bottomites! And he’ll stop our aiding and abetting of genocides!
Mr. Banana: What is his stance on unproductivity?
Mr. Tentacles: Huh?
Mr. Banana: Exactly. Nothing but a lazy communist.
[Cut to the International Criminal Court parking lot, where Ms. O’Malley and Mr. Johnson’s boat arrives. The ICC Head runs out of the building to greet them.]
Ms. O’Malley: [rolls down the boat window] Ready for the No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Movie, sir?
ICC Head: Of course! But first, show me that disgusting war criminal! [shouts at the back boat window glass] Don’t prepare for the presidency tomorrow, Joe, prepare for a firing squad!
Mr. Johnson: Oh shit.
ICC Head: What?
Mr. Johnson: We might’ve forgot to actually handcuff and put him in the boat—
ICC Head: YOU DAMN FOOLS!
Ms. O’Malley: Woah, woah, woah! How about we all calm down, and have a circle jerk?
ICC Head: NO! Capture Joe Biden! And Kelpy G! And Donald Trump! And Barack Obama! And Squilliam Fancyson! Unless I see these criminals in handcuffs in your boat, I don’t want to see your faces again! GET OUT!
[The ICC boat speeds off.]
ICC Head: [shakes his head] I have never seen such unprofessional behavior, in all my years as a Chief Justice of the International Criminal Court. Quite disgraceful.
[Cut to outside the Krusty Krab, at 6 AM. The restaurant is closed and converted into a polling place. A BBTV van arrives, and Mr. Perkins walks up to Mr. Krabs, who is standing by the front door.]
Mr. Perkins: Wow, Eugene, I can’t believe someone like you closed your restaurant to let Bikini Bottomites exercise their right to vote!
Mr. Krabs: Yep, and I’ll make a great deal of money off this.
Mr. Perkins: What? How?
[Fred Rechid walks up to the door, and is about to open it, but is stopped by Mr. Krabs.]
Mr. Krabs: Pay the fee.
Mr. Rechid: The fee?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, the fee.
Mr. Rechid: Uh…[takes out his wallet] I have all these documents proving my citizenship—
Mr. Krabs: Do you have any money?
Mr. Rechid: No.
Mr. Krabs: Then get the fuck out of me face— [throws Mr. Rechid, who is heard screaming “MY LEG!” before hitting the ground and exploding]
Mr. Perkins: What do you think you’re doing, Eugene? You’re charging people to vote! That’s illegal!
Mr. Krabs: And the best part is, I got the State Department to make the Krusty Krab the only polling place in a hundred miles! So all the fish around us can’t vote anywhere else!
Mr. Perkins: I’m calling the police!
Mr. Krabs: [goes in front of Mr. Perkins, facing the camera] Hey, have you heard of all the children sexually assaulted by Perch Perkins—
Mr. Perkins: [pushes Mr. Krabs] SHUT UP! Look, I’m just here to ask people who they’re voting for. Let’s start with you.
Mr. Krabs: I already voted for Renaud! I hate the government demanding money from me! They’re obstructing me, it’s so unfair!
Mr. Perkins: [mutters to himself] Hypocrite.
Mr. Krabs: And even worse, they’re confiscating all me child porn! We must stop this anti-pedophile tyranny!
Mr. Perkins: Well, I do agree with that.
[Mr. Pepperchicken, Mr. SquarePants, and Mr. Tentacles walk up to the door. Mr. Krabs collects their fees.]
Mr. Perkins: Who are you voting for, folks?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I shall vote for myself. Bikini Bottom must be cleansed of homosexuals!
Mr. SquarePants: I’m not too sure, Perch, this is my first election…
Mr. Krabs: Say Renaud or you’re fired!
Mr. SquarePants: Renaud all the way, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Tentacles: You’re really going to let him boss your vote?
Mr. SquarePants: Of course! I don’t want to be fired!
Mr. Tentacles: Damn fool. Anyways, I shall not vote for any of the candidates, as they all suck, instead I’ll write in Sanders.
[Mr. Krabs and Mr. Perkins laugh at Mr. Tentacles.]
Mr. Perkins: You’re protest voting? Ha! Pathetic!
Mr. Tentacles: Ugh...why Bernie, why did you lose the nomination? How did he even lose? He was leading in all the polls!
[Suddenly, Mr. Obama walks up to the door.]
Mr. Perkins: President Obama, who are you voting for?
Mr. Obama: [talking on the phone to a human rights lawyer, ignoring Mr. Perkins] What?! You’re telling me I can’t commit war crimes if I’m not in public office?! I guess I’ll have to make some phone calls.
[Tom then walks up.]
Mr. Perkins: And who are you voting for?
Tom: I don’t know, I just came here to get a Krabby Patty. 
[suddenly Mr. Renaud’s head pops out of the sand] 
Mr. Renaud: Hey Tom! Perhaps I could help you out with deciding! Don’t you hate when corporations pollute your drinking water? Well, I have some great news! Under my plan, if a corporation pollutes your drinking water, you can fuck children! 
Tom: Great! 
Mr. Perkins: Anyways, this was an insightful survey on the diverse opinions in Bikini Bottom! I myself have no idea who would win this election. Right now, millions of Bikini Bottomites are casting their ballots, whether by mail or physically showing up to the polls.
[Cut to inside the Krusty Krab, where Republican and Democrat observers are watching the ballot count.]
Mr. Lobster: I’m proud to observe this election to make sure my favorite President, DONALD J. TRUMP, gets re-elected in a landslide!
Mr. Banana: Actually, communistic fascists like Trump and R’Onion have no chance against superior candidates like Jeb!—I mean, Joe!
[Mr. Sullivan, appointed by the Green Party to observe the ballots, pops out of a window.]
Mr. Sullivan: Can I observe?
Mr. Lobster & Mr. Banana: NO!
Mrs. Puff: Will you all stop bickering? I’m trying to count the ballots!
[Mrs. Puff begins to count some ballots.]
Mrs. Puff: Okay, 1 vote for Biden.
Mr. Lobster: FRAUD!
Mrs. Puff: 1 vote for Trump.
Mr. Lobster: Made by a true citizen of Bikini Bottom!
[A few hours pass before all the ballots are counted.]
Mrs. Puff: [yawns] Looks like the polling place has closed, and nobody’s in line. The totals are 80,000,000 for Biden, 75,000,000 for Trump, 1,000,000 for Renaud, 1,000,000 for Pepperchicken, and 1 for R’Onion. 
[Mr. Pepperchicken pops out of a window.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: I disagree. I got 100% of the vote.
Mrs. Puff: Hey, you can’t just disagree with the results without any evidence!
Mr. Lobster: Actually, you can! This election is a total FRAUD!
Mrs. Puff: You saw the whole thing!
Mr. Lobster: Nope.
Mrs. Puff: You’re on camera! [points at a security camera]
Mr. Lobster: The only thing on camera is the FRAUD you’re committing! DONALD J. TRUMP has been cheated by the deep state! We’ll see what Twitter has to say about this!
[Cut to BBTV Studios, at 5 PM.]
Mr. Perkins: Welcome Bikini Bottom, to this special broadcast! Today, citizens will decide to either re-elect Republican President Donald J. Trump or elect one of his four challengers: Democrat Joe Biden, Libertarian Paul Renaud, Green Jim R’Onion, and Straight Timothy Pepperchicken.
Mr. Chillyrooster: That’s right, Mr. Perkins. You, me, and Karen Plankton will provide expert unbiased commentary.
Mr. Perkins: Right now, we can call the State of Jellyfish Fields, who BBTV projects its 3 electoral votes will go to, drumroll please, JOE BIDEN!
[Cut to the Biden residence, where a party focused on watching the live election results is happening.]
Mr. Obama: Good job, Joe, you won the first state that was called!
Mr. Biden: [annoyed] When’s this funeral over, Jack? I wanna watch that CPTV special!
[Cut to the White House, where a party focused on watching the live election results is also happening.]
Mr. Pence: [chuckles] Jellyfish Fields, huh? I’m sure we totally could’ve gotten that one.
Mr. Trump: SAD! RIGGED ELECTION! VERY UNFAIR! You know, I actually won that state, with 100% of the vote!
Mr. Pence: I was being sarcastic. Jellyfish Fields is the bluest place in Bikini Bottom, no one other than the Democrats have a chance there.
Mr. Trump: With my beautiful self as President, nothing in Bikini Bottom is blue, except my dick after I give Ivanka a hard fucking.
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: In the Jellyfish Fields Senate election, we can project that Bernie Sanders will be re-elected!
[Cut to the Krusty Krab, now converted back to a restaurant. The news is playing on TV.]
Mr. Banana: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Even though I’ve dedicated my entire life to fighting communism, Bikini Bottom’s biggest communist got re-elected!
Mr. Tentacles: Bernie isn’t a communist, you idiot!
Mr. Pineapple: [enters the restaurant and stares at the TV] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Even though I’ve dedicated my entire life to fighting capitalism, Bikini Bottom’s biggest capitalist got re-elected! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’m still here, you homosexual, and don’t forget I’m armed! [takes out an AK]
Mr. Pineapple: And I’m also armed! [unzips his pants]
Mr. Pepperchicken: AH! [mouth begins to water] GAY! I CAN’T RESIST! GET AWAY FROM ME! [runs out of the building]
[Cut to CPTV Studios.]
Mr. Renaud: This is it! The big day! Bikini Bottom shall make history by electing the first MAP president! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Trump’s head pops out of the window.]
Mr. Trump: Hey! You’re not the first! I’m right here, you know! 
[Suddenly, Bill Clinton’s head pops out of the window.]
Mr. Clinton: Don’t forget about me! 
Mr. Renaud: Bill Clinton?! You’re out of jail?!
[Suddenly, Mr. Fancyson’s head pops out of the window.]
Mr. Fancyson: There’s nothing money can’t buy. I decided he wouldn’t commit suicide at the last minute.
Mr. Renaud: Well, while the elite pedophiles get each other out of jail, there’s no pass for middle class pedophiles like me and most of my viewers. I will bring a change to that!—
[A clock above Mr. Renaud rings. The time is 6 PM.]
Mr. Renaud: Welp, I’m proud to announce that CPTV has called the election results of all 50 states and DC, and the clear winner of every single place is...ME!
Mr. Clinton: And I did not have sexual relations with all those little girls!
Mr. Trump: Actually, every state will go to me. Just watch. All TV channels will call it, even the fake news!
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science class. Mr. Pineapple enters the door.]
Mr. R’Onion: Travis! You’re late! Again! What have I told you about falling incredibly behind?!
Mr. Pineapple: Sorry, my date ended up running longer than expected! 
Mr. R’Onion: Ah, you two must have really liked each other then! 
Mr. Pineapple: No way! That dude was a piece of shit! The only reason I stuck around was because he was paying for the meal! I ordered everything on the menu, and I didn’t pay a dime. 
[Suddenly, Mr. Krabs’ voice is heard]
Mr. Krabs: Didn’t pay a dime?! 
[Mr. Krabs falls down from the top of screen, landing on Mr. R’Onion] 
Mr. Krabs: You can’t do that! 
Mr. Pineapple: What?! I didn’t break any rules! 
Mr. Krabs: On the contrary! [takes out his phone and shows Mr. Pineapple the Krusty Krab website] Tis Company Policy!
Mr. Pineapple: [glances at the screen] All customers must pay a $5 entrance fee. Ugh, fine. [takes out wallet, handing Mr. Krabs’ $5]
Mr. Krabs: Not just that, me boy! Look! 
Mr. Pineapple: All customers must pay a $5 exit fee. Ugh. [hands Mr. Krabs another $5]
Mr. Krabs: Ahem. Aren’t you forgetting something?
Mr. Pineapple: All customers must pay a $200 MOMENTARILY BEING INSIDE THE RESTAURANT FEE?! You dirty capitalist crab!
Mr. Krabs: [laughs] That’s me alright! 
Mr. Pineapple: [smirks] Perhaps I should have one last meal. [takes out a pot of boiling pot, grabbing Mr. Krabs by the eyestalks and dumping him in it]
Mr. Krabs: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ME BODY! ME ENTIRE BODY IS BURNING! IT FEELS KIND OF NICE ON ME BALLS THOUGH!
[Suddenly, Mr. Krabs dies] 
Mr. Pineapple: It’s done! [takes Mr. Krabs’ corpse out of the boiled pot, dashing a bit of butter on it and beginning to eat it] 
Mr. R’Onion: Say, that looks pretty good! Can I have some?
Mr. Pineapple: Wait, you don’t have a problem with eating meat?
Mr. R’Onion: Of course not. Mr. Krabs made his fortune off the slaughter of plants! So many innocent tomatoes, onions, and lettuce were murdered so that he could sell their corpses for consumption! It’s only fair that he gets a taste of his own medicine! 
Mr. Pineapple: [gnawing on Mr. Krabs’ penis] You said it, pal!
[Cut to BBTV Studios, at 11 PM.]
Mr. Perkins: All the polls are in, and we can project that Joe Biden will be the 46th President of Bikini Bottom, winning 306 electoral votes compared to incumbent Donald Trump’s 232, an exact flip from the 2016 projection. Everyone else in the race has 0.
[Cut to the White House, where Mr. Trump is watching the TV.]
Mr. Trump: Yeah, no surprise fake news BBTV said Sleepy Joe won! I’m sure the other news channels will say I won by a lot!
[Cut to CNN Studios.]
CNN Host: Biden won.
[Cut to NBC Studios.]
NBC Host: Biden won.
[Cut to ABC Studios.]
ABC Host: Biden won.
[Cut to Fox Studios.]
Fox Host: Biden won.
[Cut to CPTV Studios.]
Mr. Renaud: I won! 
[Cut to RT Studios.]
RT Host: Pepperchicken won.
[Cut to the White House, where Mr. Trump is scrolling through all the TV channels.]
Mr. Trump: UNBELIEVABLE! THIS WAS A RIGGED ELECTION! I DID NOT LOSE!
Mr. Pence: People in our own administration have said that this was the most secure election in Bikini Bottom history. We did lose—
Mr. Trump: Nonsense, Mike! [checks his Twitter] My observers are reporting fraud! I knew I was cheated! Mike, get Rudy on the phone at once!
[Mr. Pence calls Mr. Giuliani and hands a phone to Mr. Trump.]
Mr. Trump: Hello? Rudy?
Mr. Giuliani: Sorry Donald, I can’t have fun with you now, I’m being interviewed by a reporter from Kazakhstan.
Mr. Trump: I’m not in the mood to have fun! This election was RIGGED against me, and I need you to argue in court about it!
Mr. Giulani: Hmm...what can I say?
Mr. Trump: Tell them it was rigged!
Mr. Giuliani: Can you find any proof to back it up?
Mr. Trump: Yeah! Just look at all my observers on Twitter!
Mr. Giuliani: Seems good enough to me.
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science Classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: What?! I only got one vote?! That’s impossible! I know for a fact I got at least two votes, from you and me! 
Mr. Pineapple: Oh, actually I didn’t vote for you. 
Mr. R’Onion: WHAT
Mr. Pineapple: Yep, I voted for Joe Biden! Didn’t you see Trump’s ad? He’s going to turn Bikini Bottom into a communist nation! 
[Suddenly, a text message appears on Mr. Pineapple’s phone.]
Mr. Pineapple: Huh, speaking of Joe Biden, he just sent me a text! He has a special surprise for me at his house! Hopefully it’s more free food!
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom Courthouse.]
Judge: And what evidence do you have for these claims of fraud? And no, random tweets from Nazis don’t count as evidence. 
Mr. Giuliani: What about non-random tweets from Nazis?
[Cut to Mr. Trump and Mr. Giuliani entering the White House.]
Mr. Trump: I can’t believe we lost! That case was as rigged as the election! I mean, asking us to provide evidence?! What kind of kangaroo court is that?! This is why they shouldn’t let Mexicans be judges. 
Mr. Giuliani: So what are we gonna do now? 
Mr. Trump: Don’t worry! We just have to get the case to the Supreme Court! That’s where my secret weapon comes in! 
Mr. Guliani: I don’t think the judges will suck your cock, and that wouldn’t make them rule in favor of you.
Mr. Trump: Not that! My other secret weapon! Amy Coney Barrett! 
[Cut to Mr. Pepperchicken, spying on them from the building across.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Look at those traitors. Plotting how they can cling to power so they can retain Big Homo’s grip on this nation. Well, not on my watch! [takes out a bazooka shaped like a cigar and shoots it at the White House, causing the building to explode]
[Cut to BBTV Studios.] 
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! The White House has been blown up, causing the deaths of several occupants, including the current president, Donald Trump. Far-right conspiracy theories have already begun to flood the internet speculating that the perpetrator was president-elect Joe Biden. One of the proponents of this conspiracy theory is congressfish-elect, Larry Lobster. 
[Cut to a video posted on Mrs. Lobster Twitter.]
Mr. Lobster: Joe Biden was obviously afraid that Trump’s legal challenge to the voter fraud in this election would be successful, and so he had to resort to drastic means to prevent him from serving a second term. 
[Cut back to Mr. Perkins.]
Mr. Perkins: While these far-right conspiracies are baseless, the Secret Service has arrested the president-elect and vice president-elect. 
[Cut to Mr. Banana's house, a few minutes ago. Mr. Pineapple enters.]
Mr. Pineapple: Joe! I’m here! What’s the special surprise?
Mr. Biden: Close your eyes for ten seconds.
[Ten seconds pass.]
Mr. Biden: Open them.
[Mr. Pineapple opens his eyes, only to see Mr. Biden completely nude.]
Mr. Biden: Well Jack, how does it feel to know you’re going to fuck the president-elect?
Mr. Pineapple: No! I’m not fucking anyone! I’m outta here!
[Mr. Pineapple runs to the door, only to find Mrs. Harris locking it.]
Mrs. Harris: You’re not going anywhere! [shouts at Mr. Biden] where should I place the camera?
Mr. Biden: Hmm...what angle are the best CPTV videos taken?
Mrs. Harris: Uh—
[Suddenly, a loud thump is heard at the door.]
Secret Service Agent: SECRET SERVICE, OPEN UP!
Mr. Biden: Oh Ben Benny Benny Boy.
[The Secret Service breaks down the door.]
Secret Service Agent: Mr. President-elect and Madame Vice President-elect, you two are under arrest!
Mr. Pineapple: Yay! [runs out of the house]
Mrs. Harris: Since when does the Secret Service arrest sex criminals? Also, as you are referring to us by our new titles, you know that we are above the law, so we can shoot as much child porn as we please!
Secret Service Agent: You can do that, but you’re not above the law that says you can’t assassinate incumbent presidents!
Mr. Biden: Huh?
Secret Service Agent: Get in the boat!
[Cut to Mr. Chillyrooster.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Meanwhile, due to President Trump’s death, former Vice President Mike Pence has now assumed the office of the presidency. He has appointed former rival Timothy Pepperchicken to succeed him as Vice President. 
[Cut to Mr. Pence and Mr. Pepperchicken outside the White House ruins.] 
Mr. Pence: This was a great idea, Tim! Though might I have suggested blowing them up while they were in a building other than in the White House… 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Pfft, we don’t need the White House! We can lead Bikini Bottom in a true place fit for whites, MOTHER RUSSIA! 
Mr. Pence: Now to announce my first action as president! Today I shall—hey, wait a minute! 
[The camera pans out, revealing an empty space besides Mr. Pence and Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Pence: There’s no one here! Where’s all the media?! [takes out his phone and dials Mr. Perkins]
Mr. Chillyrooster: Hello?
Mr. Pence: Mr. Chillyrooster! Where are you and all the rest of the media? It’s my first day! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: So?
Mr. Pence: Shouldn’t you be covering the first day of the new president?
Mr. Chillyrooster: Why would we do that?
Mr. Pence: You covered every single day of Trump’s presidency! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: That’s because Trump was great for our ratings! That’s why we gave him over $5 billion in free media in 2016, ultimately helping him win the election! You though? You’re boring. So instead we’re covering Squidward Tentacles being assaulted with tomatoes at his clarinet performance today. Welp, see ya! [hangs up]
[cut to Mr. Tentacles, who is covered tomatoes] 
Mr. Tentacles: What is wrong with you people?! I see my music is too advanced for a hoarde of hairbrained simpletons such as yourselves! 
Mr. Banana: MUSIC IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! [throws another tomato at Mr. Tentacles]
Mr. R'Onion: Hey, hey! Stop killing all those innocent tomatoes! It's not their fault Squidward is such a bad musician! 
[cut back to Mr. Pence and Mr. Pepperchicken]
Mr. Pence: There’s gotta be at least one news station that’ll cover my first day in office! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: MOTHER RUSSIA TODAY! 
Mr. Pence: I mean a Bikini Bottom news station! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, what about the Daily Stormer? 
Mr. Pence: That’s not a news station!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Pfft, don’t be ridiculous! Of course it is! 
Mr. Pence: WAIT! I’ve got an idea! [looks around to see if the coast is clear, then whispers] Chil-
[Suddenly, Mr. Renaud’s voice can be heard off-screen.]
Mr. Renaud: CHILDREN?!
[Mr. Renaud falls down from the top of screen, landing on Mr. Pepperchicken.] 
Mr. Renaud: You mean if I covered you, you’d give me children?
Mr. Pence: Yep!
Mr. Renaud: GREAT! [takes out camera and begins filming]
Mr. Pence: My fellow Bikini Bottomites, it appears that President Trump was suddenly killed this morning, presumably ordered by the President of Antifa, Sleepy Joe, and that means I am your president. But this attack is the least of our problems. Plague cases have begun to surge in recent days. Make no mistake, this is a systemic effort by the gay lobby to kill off our beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde-haired, heterosexual men and women. That’s why I have decided to take immediate action against the degenerate creatures behind this virus. Ladies and gentlemen, today I am proud to announce the initiation of the Homocaust. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: You know, a Homocaust is nice and all, but what about a good, old-fashioned Holocaust? 
Mr. Pence: Patience, Tim. One thing at a time. Secret Service, take the homosexuals to the gas chambers! Anyone who knows a homosexual must report them immediately!
[Suddenly, Sir Sandy handcuffs Mr. Pence, while holding a vial of Zyklon B.]
Mr. Pence: What?! No! Not me! You’ve got the wrong person!
Sir Sandy: I just got a text message that claims you’re gay.
Mr. Pence: From who?!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Sorry, President Pence, I had to do what was necessary. And since I’m the vice president... [steps in front of the podium] My fellow Bikini Bottomites—
[Suddenly, Sir Sandy comes back on screen, handcuffing Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: What? NO! You can’t gas me! I’m Russian!
Sir Sandy: I just got a text message that claims you’re gay.
Mr. Pepperchicken: From who?!
[Suddenly, Mr. Pineapple walks up to them.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: YOU!
Mr. Pineapple: Don’t be mad at me, Tim, I was just following the President’s orders.
Mr. Pence: Wait a minute! Aha! As President of Bikini Bottom, I hereby pardon myself—
[Suddenly, Mr. Pepperchicken takes out his bazooka, while handcuffed, and fires it at Mr. Pence, killing him.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: As President of Bikini Bottom, I hereby pardon myself!
[Sir Sandy unshackles Mr. Pepperchicken.]
Mr. Renaud: Say, wait a minute! How old is the person that’s gonna be gassing these folks? If they’re under 18, I might consider joining myself! 
Sir Sandy: It’s not that kind of gas, Mr. Renaud.
Mr. Pepperchicken: After years of behind-the-scenes work, Bikini Bottom is finally mine!
Sir Sandy: Well, Mr. Pepperchicken, you have not been formally vetted for federal office. But we can do that now. May I see your birth certificate?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Sure thing! [takes out his birth certificate and hands it to Sir Sandy]
Sir Sandy: What’s this? I can’t read the text! Is this English?
Mr. Pepperchicken: It’s in Russian, dumbass. Not all birth certificates are in English, just the ones from Bikini Bottom!
Sir Sandy: So does this mean you were not born in Bikini Bottom?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Why would I be born in such a filthy place! Absolutely not, I was born and raised in Shell City.
Sir Sandy: Then I’m afraid you’re ineligible to be in office. You have to be a natural born citizen!
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT
Mr. Renaud: CPTV BREAKING NEWS! President Mike Pence has been killed by his Vice President, Timothy Pepperchicken, who is ineligible to be in office, which means Nancy Pelosi is now president! 
[Suddenly, Mrs. Pelosi walks up to the podium.]
Mrs. Pelosi: Mhm, big gay ice cream.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Damnit, the gay lobby is in power once again!
Sir Sandy: And you’re once again under arrest for being gay, as your pardon is invalid.
Mrs. Pelosi: Ha! Loser!
Mr. Renaud: Madame President, what will you do about the Homocaust? End it immediately and fully restore the civil rights of gay people?
Mrs. Pelosi: Slow down there, we shouldn’t do anything drastic! Let’s take a more moderate approach. Instead of killing all the homosexuals in gas chambers, we’ll just segregate and torture them.
Mr. Renaud: Torture? Now that’s a plan I can definitely get behind!
[Cut to the Banana residence, where the TV is playing.]
Mr. Banana: Finally, a common sense centrist solution!
Mr. Renaud: Also, shouldn’t you be wearing a mask?
Mrs. Pelosi: Oh, my mistake, you’re right. I forgot this wasn’t the hair salon. [puts on mask] Anyways— [dies]
Mr. Renaud: See, this is why I always say our leadership is too old! We need more children in office! 
[Cut to Shell City.]
Mr. Putin: Well it seems my original plan to put Mr. Pence and Mr. Pepperchicken in charge of the country has been foiled, but hey, you know what they say! When one door closes, another door opens! Just as long as it’s not a closet door! With Bikini Bottom going through multiple presidents in the span of one day, and several conspiracy theories flowing among the populace, this would be the perfect time to incite a Civil War! And I know just the man for the job…
[Cut back to the White House ruins.] 
Chad Wolf: My fellow Bikini Bottomites, I know today has been a tumultuous day, but we must stick together-
[suddenly a pineapple falls on top of Mr. Wolf]
Mr. Renaud: How do so many pineapples end up sinking in this place? Pineapples don’t even sink! [suddenly his phone begins to ring and he picks it up] Hello?
Mr. Putin: Mr. Renaud! I need you to do me a favor! 
Mr. Renaud: Sorry Vlad, I don't have any more copies of Tyce+Travis: Naughty Boys In Bed. Demand has been through the roof ever since the pandemic started! 
Mr. Putin: Not that! Though would you let me know when it comes back in stock? I’m talking about instigating a Civil War! With all the recent chaos, this is the perfect time for Shell City to come and invade! We can annex Bikini Bottom, just like we annexed Crimea! I’ll hack all the news stations and redirect them to CPTV, so you can spread our message! 
Mr. Renaud: That sounds great and all, but what’s in it for me? I’m a libertarian, you know I don’t do anything for free! 
Mr. Putin: I haven’t finished yet! You’ll tell everyone that in order to protect their children from the bloodshed, they should bring them to you in order to keep them safe. 
Mr. Renaud: GREAT! It’s a deal, Vlad! 
[Cut to Mr. SquarePants’ house, where he is watching Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. Suddenly the television channel switches to CPTV.]
Mr. Renaud: Attention, Bikini Bottomites! CPTV BREAKING NEWS! With the new Civil War raging all throughout Bikini Bottom, it is crucial that we band together to protect our kiddies! Bring them to the Bikini Bottom High gym, where they can be protected by a neutral individual like myself! And it’s not just me saying this! This plan has been endorsed by two of the International Criminal Court’s top enforcement officers! 
[Suddenly, Officers Johnson and O’Malley appear on the screen] 
Officer O’Malley: That’s right. 
Officer Johnson: Targeting children is a serious violation of the laws of war, and the more people do it, the more time we have to spend apprehending criminals, when we could be eating doughnuts instead! 
Officer O’Malley: Yep, and Flipper’s Donuts has a deal today! It’s buy one, get one free! I wanna get there before all the strawberry fillings run out! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana pops up out of nowhere]
Mr. Banana: STRAWBERRY filling?! Quick, let’s go there now!
Mr. SquarePants: Oh my gosh! I’ve gotta give my children to Mr. Renaud right away! 
Gary: Meow. 
Mr. SquarePants: I don’t have any children? Well, that’s okay, I’ll just give you instead! 
[Cut to Bikini Bottom High School, where Mr. SquarePants bursts through the gates]
Mr. SquarePants: MR. RENAUD! MR. RENAUD! QUICK! COME TAKE MY GARE-BEAR! 
Mr. R’Onion: SpongeBob! Stop yelling! This is a learning environment! Such high octaves are incredibly unprofessional. 
Mr. SquarePants: Sorry, Mr. R’Onion! I’m just in a hurry! 
Mr. R’Onion: Well, perhaps you should have prepared and arrived earlier. Then you wouldn’t be incredibly falling behind! 
Mr. SquarePants: I’ll be sure to keep that in mind for next time! [runs over to the gym]
Mr. R’Onion: HEY! No running in the hallways! [mutters to self] People these days, I mean, you’d never see a plant acting so unprofessional!
Mr. SquarePants: Mr. Renaud! Here! Take my Gare-Bear! [hands over Gary to Mr. Renaud]
Mr. Renaud: A snail? Well, I suppose it wouldn’t be terrible to try something new. [unzips pants]
Mr. Banana: Ahem. 
Mr. Renaud: Oh right! The doughnut place! 
[Cut to Flipper’s Donuts.]
Mr. Renaud: You sure you don’t have any ones with child cum fillings?
Worker: No, sir, we don’t. 
Mr. Renaud: What about ones with the semen of a teenager?
Worker: Sir, we don’t sell any products containing sexual fluids. 
Mr. Renaud: Really? So you’re telling me you have vegan options, but no MAP options? That makes no sense! There are way more of us than them! 
Worker: I’m not the one who chooses the menu selection, sir. 
Mr. Banana: GRRR! You’re taking too long! [pushes in front of Mr. Renaud] One strawberry filling please! 
Worker: Here you go, sir. [hands Mr. Banana a strawberry filling] 
Mr. Banana: OH YEAH! [rips of his peel and begins thrusting his girthy banana cock in and out the doughnut hole] 
[Suddenly, Mr. R’Onion enters the establishment, armed with two guns]
Mr. R’Onion: I hear you offer vegan options here! [begins shooting bullets] 
Officer O’Malley: We gotta get out of here! [hops out the window, followed by Officer Johnson]
Mr. Renaud: I agree! Don’t get me wrong, I love shooting, but not this type! 
Mr. Banana: [still thrusting his girthy banana cock in and out the strawberry filling doughnut] I’m not done yet though! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana is shot.] 
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom High Gym, which Mr. Renaud enters and is now filled with children.] 
Mr. Renaud: Alright, kiddies! It’s time for us to shoot the most illegal porno of all time! 
[Cut to Mr. Obama and Mr. G, in a secret lair beneath the Obama residence.] 
Mr. Obama: Alright, Mr. G! It’s time for us to commit the most illegal war crime of all time! 
Mr. G: [grins, taking out a remote and pressing a red button on it] 
[A drone then flies over Bikini Bottom High, bombing it.] 
[Mr. R’Onion then walks over, holding a banana peel.]
Mr. R’Onion: OH MY GOD! THE ENTIRE SCHOOL HAS BEEN DESTROYED! OH NO! [runs to the garden, which is still intact, ignoring thousands of corpses along the way] Phew, for a second I was worried there. 
[Suddenly Mr. Banana pops out of the peel, picking all the strawberries and shoving his girthy banana cock into them.] 
Mr. R’Onion: [gasps] MR. BANANA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! 
[Cut back to Mr. Obama and Mr. G.]
Mr. Obama: Well, uh...Mr. G, another uh...job well done. 
[Suddenly the door is broken down, revealing Officers O’Malley and Johnson.] 
Officer Johnson: Hands up! You’re under arrest! 
Mr. Obama: Well, uh…Mr. G, it looks like we’ve been caught uh...red-handed. 
[Cut to Mr. Pineapple, who is digging through the rubble of the now destroyed White House.]
Mr. Pineapple: Aha! I found it! [takes out the nuclear button] Time for this imperialist capitalist hellhole to finally pay for the suffering it’s unleashed upon the seven seas! [presses the button, promptly nuking all of Bikini Bottom]
Fin
This Film Was Made In Memorial Of Golfpecks256
Category:Shit TheBoy2007 Fucking Likes