Wallace and Gromit: A Matter of Loaf and Death/Transcript

[It was a dark night in jolly old England. In a bakery, a humble baker named Bob was humming to himself as he presses the dough with his hands. As he does so, a gloved hand takes a rolling pin and removes the baker’s hat from behind him. He turned around and saw who’s behind him.]
Baker Bob: Oh, it’s you!
[The figure raised the pin in the air and Bob looked in horror.]
Baker Bob: Nooo!
[The pin hit him hard on the head and he lies in the dough, dead as a doornail. The murder was on the papers the next morning. Among those reading was Gromit, loyal dog and companion of Wallace. He gulped in horror about the horrible murder. The reason was that he and Wallace have started business in selling bread. The clock rings, for it was time to wake up Wallace. Gromit pushed the button and a klaxon noise sounded off in Wallace’s room. However, the man had cotton in his ears to sleep without hearing noises. The dog filled up a red balloon with water and hangs it on a windmill attached to their home.]
Wallace: (in his sleep) Mmm, lovely cheese.
[Gromit hit the windmill as he stirred the batter, causing the balloon to drop.]
Wallace: (in his sleep) I could just wash it down.
[The balloon hit him, drenching him in water.]
Wallace: (wakes up and removes cotton from his ears) Oh, I was just coming, lad.
[The oven opened up and fresh bread popped out. Gromit used a forklift to take the rows of bread and he pulled down a lever.]
Wallace: Pop away, Gromit.
[The bed lowered and Wallace got into his trousers, although he was in a conveyor belt that was dropping off bags of flour.]
Wallace: I’ll be with you in a jiffy.
[He was launched off to a slide.]
Wallace: Howdy ho! Oh, no.
[He noticed that he was about to enter a bowl of egg and flour mix. Luckily, Gromit moved the slide away from the bowl.]
Wallace: Thanks, lad.
[Wallace then landed on some dough and is pushed off. Gromit loaded the loaves of bread onto the truck.]
Wallace: Fill ‘er up, lad.
[Gromit pours tea into Wallace’s cup and soon, the gang went off in their truck.]
Wallace: (drinks his cup) Ah, lovely cup, Gromit. But slightly dieselly after-tasted perhaps. How’s that breakfast coming on?
[Gromit pushed a button and burnt toast came out of the CD slot.]
Wallace: Well done, lad. Very well done. (eats his toast and pats Gromit on the head) Thanks, dog.
[Gromit hands Wallace the paper and looking at it, he was quite horrified.]
Wallace: Oh. Oh, dear. Another baker. Battered by his own rolling pin. Would you credit it? Still, looking on the bright side, I suppose it means more business for us, eh, Gromit?
[Soon, they began their delivery.]
Wallace: We’re on a roll, lad!
[Whether it’s dropping bread near doors and throwing them into mailboxes a la Paperboy, they delivered as many as they can.]
Wallace: Good day’s work, everyone. We’re bang on….
[Suddenly, he heard a bell ring. It came from a woman riding on a bicycle with a poodle in a basket.]
Wallace: ...target.
[He throws the bread aside, although it hit an old lady instead of into the mailbox. Wallace noticed something familiar about the woman on the bicycle. It was the Bake-O-Lite Girl a long time ago.]
Past Piella: (sings) I’m light as a feather. I’m a bake-o-lite girl.
[Wallace snapped out of it.]
Wallace: Gromit, did you see who that was?
[Soon, the woman passed them up and ride down hill while screaming.]
Wallace: She's in trouble!
[They followed after the lady in their truck.]
Wallace: Here, Gromit, take the wheel.
[He literally gave the Gromit the wheel as he jumps off the truck and onto the bike.]
Wallace: Don’t fret, madam. (to Gromit) Tea cakes, lad. The whole meal fruit on my knees.
[Gromit throws tea cakes to Wallace and he uses them to try to slow down the bike, but it wouldn’t stop.]
Wallace: I should’ve tried the granary roll.
[The truck drove through the zoo and was heading for the crocodile pit.]
Wallace: Oh, heck!
[The bike hit the wall and Wallace, the lady, and the poodle flew off. Wallace’s shoe held on to a ledge, giving him time to grab the lady, while Gromit used a croissant to hold the crocodile’s mouth open and saved the poodle while using his apron as a bungee cord. They all got out of the gator pit.]
Wallace: Oh, dear. Are you all right, miss? Madam?
Lady: Oh, I do apologise.
Wallace: It's an honor to be of help.
Lady: I must get those brakes seen. (to her poodle) We should be grateful, aren’t we, Fluffles?
[The poodle was shaking after almost being eaten by an alligator.]
Lady: Fluffles.
Wallace: Oh, it was nothing. (the poodle licks Wallace on the face)
Lady: My name is Piella. Piella Bakewell.
Wallace: I know who you are, miss. (sings) Light as a feather, you’re the Bake-o-Lite girl.
Piella: Oh, that’s me.
Wallace: I’m Wallace.
Piella: Oh, really?
[As the two talked, Gromit test the bicycle brakes. The brakes were working, yet Piella said they had to be checked.]
Wallace: Are you still ballooning, Miss…?
Piella: I do beg your pardon?
Wallace: Oh, no, no. I mean the Bake-o-Lite balloon. Do you still fly it?
Piella: Oh, I see. No. Not anymore.
Wallace: Well, back to the grind. As it were. Goodbye, Ms. Bakewell.
Piella: Oh, I rather say ‘Au revoir.’
Wallace: Oh, ‘oui, oui, madame,’ and ‘bon appetit.’
Piella: Bye-ee.
[She goes off on her bike and rode out of the zoo. They went back home, where Wallace made a bread mold of Piella’s head.]
Wallace: (lovingly) The Bake-o-Lite girl. Oh, fancy that, Gromit. It’s not every day you meet the girl of your dreams, is it? Oh, well. This isn’t gonna put any bread on the table, is it?
[The doorbell rings and Wallace answers the door. It was Piella and her poodle, Fluffles.]
Wallace: Oh, hello.
Piella: We were just passing by going for a walk, and Fluffles insisted on dropping in hoping you would join us. Please say yes. She'd be so disappointed, wouldn't you, Fluffy? (nudges Fluffles) You Fluffy...
[The poodle goes to Wallace and pulls him by the apron.]
Wallace: Oh. Well, if you insist. But I’m in my work things.
Piella: I like a man in uniform. Come on. Walkies.
Wallace: (to Gromit) Manage without me, won’t you, lad?
[He went to the park with Piella. There, they threw breadcrumbs to some ducks until they accidentally touch hands in the bag.]
Wallace: Oh, crumbs.
[Later, after Gromit made the loaves of bread, they were in the living room.]
Piella: (chuckles) Mr. Wallace, you are cheeky.
Wallace: Ooh, am I?
[The woman placed her hand on Wallace’s knee, and Gromit looked suspiciously at this manner. Later, Wallace took her on a romantic boat ride, danced with her, and modeled clay pottery with her a la Ghost. This kept Gromit up all night long. The next morning, the alarm clock rang and Gromit stops it. Moments later, as they finish their bread delivery, Gromit notice his belongings in the trash can. When they got inside, Gromit tries to hang his things, only for the coat hanger to now hang Piella’s. As th heep back, he accidentally got onto some of Piella’s high heels and nearly hit a vase.]
Wallace: (offscreen) Oh, made some change, doesn’t it, fudge cake? Gromit’s gonna love this.
Piella: (offscreen) Well, I thought you could do with a woman’s touch around the house. You naughty slobbery boys.
Wallace: What do you think, Gromit? You wouldn’t know it was our place, would you, lad?
[Gromit left and went to Gromit’s room, only to find that it’s been redecorated. Angered, Gromit stuffs the flowers into a trash can, but when he heard knocking on the door, he puts them back in the vase. He answers the door and it was Fluffles with a box of Gromit’s belongings.]
Piella: (offscreen) Care for a sausage, you greedy thing?
Wallace: (offscreen) Don’t mind if I do.
[As Fluffles hands Gromit the box, the two dogs accidentally touch paws until the latter retrieves his box. The poodle giggled and Gromit blushed.]
Piella: (offscreen) Fluffles, where are you?
[The poodle went off with her owner to leave for the day.]
Wallace: Same time tomorrow, my apple strudel. (to Gromit) Love is a many splendered thing, Gromit. But doesn’t love tie you out? I’m cream crackered (noticed something) Oh, eck! Piella’s purse! I must return it for….
[He grabs the purse and tries to go outside, but it starts to rain.]
Wallace: Oh. Eh, Gromit?
[Later Gromit arrived at 12a Pastry Lane to the house of Piella Bakewell. He opened the door and it was dark inside. He went upstairs to investigate the silhouette. What he saw were racks in baker hats and aprons, all with numbers on them. Gromit look inside her diary and saw pictures of her with other bakers. They all had a red X over them. But as he saw the 12th picture, it was Baker Bob. Gromit turned the picture and the next baker was Wallace. Later, Piella enters her room and found the racks still intact.]
Piella: Funny. I’m sure I heard something. Oh, there it is. (closed her diary and found her purse) It must have been there all along. Early night, Fluffles? Big day tomorrow. Our final baker is nicely potted off.
[Gromit hanged on a chandelier.] 
Piella: Good night, Fluffles. Sweet dreams.
[The two went to sleep, however much later, Gromit fell off the chandelier and landed in Piella’s bed. Lucky for him, it was morning and Piella wasn’t in her room. Instead, Gromit rushed back home to and knocks on the front door to get Wallace.]
Wallace: Hello, stranger. Where have you been?
[Gromit flips the pages of the diary to show Wallace about what happened to the bakers.]
Wallace: Hey, wait. Hold your horses. I’ve got something to tell you first, old pal. Haven’t we, dearest?
[They turn to see Piella walking over to Wallace.]
Piella: Of course, my little cheesecake. Wallace and I are engaged to be married. (shows them the engagement ring) Till death do us part.
Wallace: I think congratulations might be in order, lad.
Piella: Oh, I can see he’s dying to give me a great big kiss.
[She gave Gromit a big fat kiss on the cheek, but not before taking the diary from his hand and throwing it in the fire.]
Piella: I know we’re going to get on like a house on fire. One big happy family.
[Gromit went to his room and checked in his ‘Electronic Surveillance for Dogs’ book. He then starts writing plans and began work in the house. The next morning, Piella came to visit.]
Piella: Hello, my vanilla slice.
Wallace: Come in, my spongecake.
[As she went in, an alarm rang. It was a new security scanner made by Gromit, like a metal detector.]
Piella: What’s going on?
Wallace: (offscreen) You’ll have to forgive him. He’s been a bit security conscious of late.
[Gromit checks Piella’s baskets for suspicious belongings.]
Piella: Well, you can’t be too careful these days, can you?
[The dog found a ladle in her basket.]
Piella: (retrieves her basket) Not with a serial killer on the loose.
Wallace: (offscreen) Oh, yes.
[The two went into the kitchen.]
Piella: How about a nice pot of cock-a-leakie soup?
Wallace: Oh, smashing! I’ve got just the bread to go with it.
[He went to get some utensils, but they were gone.]
Wallace: What the…? That dog!
[Gromit puts all the utensils in his doghouse and locked the door.]
Wallace: (offscreen) Smells delicious.
Piella: (offscreen) I do hope you like it, my shortcrust. It’s my own special recipe.
[He rushed into the house and stopped Wallace from trying the soup.]
Wallace: Hey! What are you playing at, lad? (picks up Gromit) This is getting ridiculous.
Piella: (takes Gromit) Oh, Wallace, he just wants a bit of attention, that’s all. (to Gromit) Now, my little poochy woochy, let Auntie Piella sort you out.
[She then bit herself on the arm.]
Piella: [pretending] Ow! He bit me! I was just trying to help and he bit me, Wallace.
Wallace: Gromit, how dare you bite my betrothed! That’s very impolite.
Piella: Oh, don’t be too hard on him, Wallace, please. Just a little…. (holds up some chains) ...punishment, that’s all.
[Soon, Gromit was muzzled and chained as he cleaned the dishes as punishment.]
Wallace: I’m surprised at you, Gromit. I really am.
Piella: (offscreen) Wallace, my sugar dumpling, have you a moment?
Wallace: On my way, cupcake! (to Gromit) You’ll not leave this kitchen till you’ve done every last one. (to himself) I don’t know. Taking a bite out of my lovely fiance.
[Gromit looked to see Piella near some gears. One of her high heels was caught in the gears.]
Piella: I’m such a silly sausage. It just sort of fell off my foot.
Wallace: Stay well back, my precious. Leave it to me.
[Wallace was on the plank, trying to get Piella’s shoe back.]
Piella: Oh, you’re so brave, Wallace… (with an evil look in her eyes) ...my minced pie.
[Gromit tried to reach for the key but it was too far away. Suddenly, Piella was knocked out by a bag of flour just as Wallace got her shoe from the gears.]
Wallace: (grabs the shoe) I got it! Huh?
[The lady had fallen down through a hole.]
Wallace: Are you alright, my flower?
[Piella was covered in flour.]
Wallace: Oh, flour. Get it? Flour?
Piella: (ticked off) Get your hands off me! I hate flour! I hate bread! And I hate bakers, water, and complete fruitcake! (throws the ring at Wallace)
Wallace: That’s a bit steamed, isn’t it, my sweet?
Piella: (to her poodle) Fluffles, I want a word with you. Back home.
[She left the house and Wallace looked at the ring, sad that Piella hates bakers like him. Moments later, Gromit was off the chains and they were having a tea break.]
Wallace: Thanks, old pal. I just don’t get it. One minute, they love bakers, and next minute, they hate them. I know I’m not a fruitcake, am I, lad?
[Gromit pats Wallace on the shoulder.]
Wallace: I suppose you can’t be everybody’s cup of tea, can you?
[Soon, Piella was at the front door holding a present.]
Piella: I am so sorry, Wallace. So sorry. I don’t know what came over me. Apart from the flour, of course. (laughs)
[Gromit noticed that Fluffles wasn’t with her this time.]
Wallace: Oh, yes.
Piella: Let’s forget about it. Here’s a cake to celebrate.
[The alarm sounded off again.]
Piella: Whoops. Must be my keys. (throws Gromit her purse)
Wallace: Celebrate?
Piella: Us. Getting back together again, you gooseberry fool.
Wallace: Oh, yes. Yes, of course. We could have that with our four o’clock tea. Why don’t you join us?
Piella: I would, but Fluffles isn’t feeling too well. Why don’t you two and your friends celebrate? (takes her purse back) Must fly!
Wallace: Roll on the four o’clock, eh? This will go down a treat.
[Gromit went back to Piella’s house and into her room. He saw something shaking in Fluffles’ bed. He uncover the bed, but there was a cymbal-playing toy monkey underneath. Suddenly, he was grabbed by Piella.] 
Piella: Got you, you meddling mutt! So nice of you to come. Pity you'll miss your master's tea party. [looks at a windmill] It'll go off with a bang!
[Back in Wallace’s house, he opens the present to reveal a cake.]
Wallace: Ooh, I say! Get that kettle on, Gromit!
[Meanwhile, the villain threw Gromit into the closet, where Fluffles was there, all tied up.]
Piella: (laughs evilly) I’ll deal with you two later.
[Back at the house, Wallace was waiting for Gromit.]
Wallace: Come on, lad. What’s keeping you?
[The clock was getting close to time.]
Piella: At last, my thirteenth. My baker’s dozen.
[Just when she was about to place the hat on the thirteenth rack, she noticed the dogs, both freed and floating off in the Bake-o-Lite balloon.]
Piella: Curse that balloon! And curse that prevailing south-westerly, they'll be in no time!
[The clock struck 4 and Wallace tries to strike a match.]
Wallace: Go. I’ll strike a light… (gets the match lit) Aha!
[As Wallace lights the candle, Gromit broke through the window.]
Wallace: Oh, there you are. I think these matches are a bit...
[Gromit threw water from the flowerpot at Wallace to stop the flame.]
Wallace: ...dumb.
[The candle lit up again.]
Wallace: It’s one of those joke candles, lad.
[They try to stop the flame, but every attempt is met with the fire still going strong.]
Wallace: Hey, where’re you going with that…. (in slow-mo) ...ca-a-a-a-ke?
[He fell over and the cake popped out a bomb.]
Wallace: Gromit, it’s a bomb! The cake’s a bomb! Wait a minute. You don’t think Piella could be...
[The bomb rolled to Piella who holds Fluffles hostage.]
Piella: ...the serial killer? Well done, Wallace. Sharp as a brick. Now, do exactly as I say or Fluffles get snuffled.
[Fluffles bit Piella’s hand and freed herself. Gromit grabs the bomb and runs off, while Piella threw down Fluffles.]
Piella: You crossed me once too often, you treacherous little. (smacks Fluffles)
[In the attic, Gromit ran with the bomb in hand.]
Wallace: Get that thing away, lad!
[Gromit tries to throw it out the window, but he saw a guy feeding some ducks in the lake. He went to another window, but there were nuns selling kittens. The third window had the Yorkshire border.]
Wallace: (offscreen) That’s it, lad! Use your loaf!
[Suddenly, Gromit got knocked off by a shovel from Piella as he was flung into the mixer was the bomb was bouncing off a window.]
Wallace: Oops. (sees Piella and gulps in shock)
Piella: That has put the spanner in the works. (Grabs a wrench)
Wallace: But Piella, you’re the Bake-o-Lite girl.
Piella: Was a Bake-o-Lite girl. I ate too much, you see?
Wallace: Oh, really?
Piella: I couldn’t ride the balloon anymore. So they dropped me.
Wallace: What a blow.
Piella: Me! A curse on bakers and their loathsome confections!
Wallace: Gromit!
[As she was about to hit Wallace, the wrench was grabbed by a machine that smacked her into some cans of lard.]
Wallace: Well done, lad.
[Fortunately, it was piloted by Fluffles.]
Wallace: Er, lass?
[Piella got out some rolling pins and prepared for battle.]
Piella: Come to mummy, Fluffy Ruffy!
[Using the gloved forklift, Fluffles grabbed the two pins and smacked the serial killer. Fluffles accidentally smacked Wallace. Fortunately, he was caught on the windmill.]
Wallace: Don’t worry about me, lad. I’m fully in control. (Screams)
[He saw the bomb on the other side. As Gromit climbed out of the bowl, Wallace fell off his trousers and into bed.]
Wallace: Yes!
[Back in the fight, Fluffles used one of the forklift’s arm to grab Piella, which caused her to lose one of the rolling pins. It hit the windmill and the bomb fell into Wallace’s room.]
Wallace: No!
[Piella accidently hit the lever with her rolling pin, making Wallace slide down.]
Wallace: Oh, dear!
[Fluffles started pushing down her abusive owner. Suddenly, Wallace showed up in new trousers.]
Wallace: Anyone seen the bomb?
[Gromit sees something.]
Wallace: What? What?
[There was a bomb in his trousers.]
Piella: Bomb voyage, Wallace. (flies off in her balloon) Your buns are as good as toasted.
Wallace: Gromit, I’ve got a bomb in me pants! Help me, Gromit! Do something!
[Gromit looks at the dough being sorted and gets an idea. He put the hose in Wallace’s pants and Fluffles pulls the lever. The dough fills up in Wallace’s pants, and then, the bomb explodes. They were all alive, luckily, but the explosion exposed Wallace’s behind.]
Wallace: Oh, what a relief! Oh, evening, sisters.
[The nuns scream in shock.]
Piella: I will be back to get you, Wallace! I will have my baker’s dozen!
Wallace: But Piella, the balloon won’t hold you!
Piella: They can’t just drop me! I’m as light as a feather! I’m the Bake-o-Lite girl!
Wallace: Nooo!!
[Unfortunately, the balloon fell into the crocodile pit, where she is viciously eaten alive. The heroes were horrified at the pretty gruesome death. After the meal was done, the balloon floated off. Back with Wallace...] 
Wallace: Farewell, my angel cake. You’ll always be my Bake-o-Lite girl.
[The balloon flew off to the sky as Wallace imagines the past Piella on it.]
Wallace: I think I need a cup of tea after that. Care to join me, everyone?
[Gromit and Fluffles held hands, but they let go as Fluffles has to leave. She left the house and Gromit felt depressed at her leaving.]
Wallace: Oh, never mind, lad. We've both been through the mill this week, haven't we? But at least yours wasn't the bread-baking baker-murdering serial killer... ...like mine. Tell you what, lad. Let's go and deliver some bread, eh? That'll cheer us up.
[Just as they were about to leave in their car, the garage door opened and they stopped when they saw Fluffles in their way. Gromit was surprised to see her again, so he opens the door for her to go in.]
Wallace: Hey, hey. Always room for a small one.
[She got in and inserts a record into the player, which starts playing ‘Puppy Love.’ And so they drove off to start their delivery.]
Wallace: Put paws on the wheel, lad. Concentrate.
[Roll credits.]
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