Austin Powers in Goldmember/Transcript

Yeah, baby!
Hi, I'm Dixie. Dixie Normous. I may just be a small-town FBI-agent, slash single mother. But I'm still tough...and sexy.
Well, Miss Normous... Shall we shag now or shag later?
Oh Austin...behave.
Hey Powers! You better watch your freaking self. Because this is one doctor who does make house calls. Right, Mini-Me?
Hey, assholes! I'm right over here, I'm Mini-Me. Come and get me!
And cut!
That's a cut everybody.
So, Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?
Austin Powers: Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest film maker in history of cinema, is making a movie about my life. Very shagadelic baby, yeah! Having said that, I do have some thoughts.
Really? My friend here thinks it's fine the way it is.
Well no offense Sir Stevie, but you gotta have Mojo baby, yeah!
Hit it!
Ladies and Gentlemen.
Sir Quincy Jones.
This is where the movie get its Mojo, baby.
Alright, everybody. Music video, take 2.
It's Britney Spears!
Oops. I did it again, baby.
Welcome back Herr Doctor.
How was space?
Space was cool, wasn't it, Mini-Me?
Doctor Evil, while you were in space, I created a way for us to make huge sums of legitimate money. 
And still maintain the ethics in the business practices of an evil organization.
I have turned us into a talent agency. The Hollywood Talent Agency.
Really?
By charging A-list clients 9 % rather that the traditional 10%.
We've been able to sign such stars such as George Clooney, Julia Roberts.
And Leo DiCaprio.
Leo!
And the best part of the whole scheme is, we all get our own assistance.
Hi, I'm Number 3.
I'm really excited to be a part of the team, here in HTA.
Very impressive, Number 2, but I finally have the perfect plan.
In the 70s, there lived a Dutch metallurgical heathenish, by the name of Johann Van Der Smut. He loved gold so much he even lost his genitaliens in an unfortunate smelting accident. Hence the name...Goldmember. He invented a cold fusion power unit for a..."Tractorbeam."
"Tractorbeam"
Powerful enough to pull a meteor to Earth.
The meteor was called..."Midas 22."
It's made of solid gold...is he sleeping?
Well, that's okay. I guess Mini-Me won't get any, CHOCOLATE!
You want down, Mini-Me? Use your words like a big boy clone.
He's okay!
Here's the chocolate. It's from Brugge. That's in Belgium, that's where daddy's from.
Check out Mini-Me.
He's gone mental on candied chocolate.
It's like freakin' catnip for clothes.
Your chair, Dr. Evil.
Thank you.
Thanks, scedadum, right.
You know, when you have kids, I think your gonna find out that all kids are different, ey?
For example: Mini-Me loves chocolate.
Scotty don't!
Well, I love chocolate fine. I just...
Scotty don't!
Oh yeah, very familiar, hang on, let me do what I do. Would you stop...
How about I what?
What do you...
I don't even...
Honestly, isn't this...
How about you don't, ladies and gentlemen, Scotty don't.
Dr. Evil, perhaps it's time, that you finish unveiling your plan.
Yes, thank you Number 2.
Ladies and gentlemen, my plan is...
Scotty don't.
Oh, come on, you're such a lame ass!
You know what? This is causing me serious psychological harm!
I don't know. Who am I?
Fine. You know what? I would love some chocolate.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Heel, Mini-Me!
Come on!
You okay, Mini-Me?
Did I pull too hard? I don't want to hurt you.
Dr. Evil.
Yo?
What does Goldmember's plan have to do with us?
Our earlier attempts of the tractorbeam went through several preparations.
Preparation A through G were a complete failure.
But now ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam.
Which we shall call "Preparation H."
What?
Why don't you just call it "Operation Ass-creamy," ass?
I'm sorry, did you want some ice-cream?
Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass-cream.
Perhaps later.
Dr. Evil, I love your plan.
Ja, Herr Doctor, it's a really good plan.
Yes, Frau, on the whole, I think Preparation H fells good.
What is it now?
No, nothing. You know what? I agree...
Preparation H does feel good.
On the hole.
Well, I'm glad wir sprechen sie the same lingity.
Ladies and gentlemen. Using my time machine I shall travel back to 1975.
Pick up Goldmember and bring him back to the future.
And the best part of this plan is...
No one can stop me.
Not even...Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: Not so fast. You're sorrounded, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: Shit!
Judge: Dr. Evil, the world court sentences you to 400 years. Do you have anything to say?
No, but I think Mini-Me does.
Looks like two eggs and a hankie.
The criminal genius known as, Dr. Evil and his clone were sentenced today at the world organization.
For his efforts, Austin Powers, the son of England's most famous spy, Nigel Powers.
Will be knighted by The Queen at Buckingham Palace.
Arise, Sir Austin Powers.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
Your father must be very proud of you.
Oh, yeah.
Come on dad, stand up and take a bow.
"Daddy wasn't there" Peace!
I am a sexy beast.
It's Austin Powers, you're so funny.
Also very sexy.
Can I have an autograph?
Of course, your name is?
Fook Mi.
Austin Powers: Oh behave, baby. Now your name is?
Fook Mi.
Austin Powers: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Fook Mi, like this.
Oh I see.
Your name is Fook Mi.
You want a drink?
Yes of course, but I have private bar in the back, that you are more than welcome to use...
Here you go.
Fook Mi! That was fast!
Fook Yu.
Oh, you're going the right way for a smack-bottom and I don't care who knows it!
Austin.
This is my twin sister, her name, Fook Yu. Fook Yu...Fook Mi.
Twins...twins
Twins. Yes. We're going to see the twins.
I also think Austin Powers is very sexy.
We think you're very great.
We make you sleepy?
Well, you make me many things, but sleepy is not one of them.
We give you top secret massage.
Yes, top secret massage, baby!
Sorry about that, I swear to God, that never happens.
Yes, hold on a tick.
Okay, now where were we, baby?
Ah, Austin. I'm sorry to interrupt.
Twins, Basil. Twins.
Austin, it's your father.
What?
He's been kidnapped.
Very heavy, man. Oh, so that's why my father wasn't at the knighting ceremony.
Well, no actually.
He was kidnapped after you were knighted.
He was last seen on his yatch.
Oh, yes. The "HMS Shag-at-sea".
Exactly, just take a look.
Gentlemen fall in.
Austin, these men were signed to guard your father.
Okay, chaps, chins up, trousers down.
I think we may have found a clue.
Gold blimey! All your privates have had their privates painted gold. How bizarre.
Imagine, guilded tally-wackers, golden wedding-tackle, fourteen-carat trousers snakes...
That's enough.
Okay.
Basil, there is only one person in the world, who truly understands the psychology of a mad man...
Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil.
I've been expecting you, Mr. Powers.
Austin Powers: My father is missing.
Dr. Evil: Yes, I've heard. How ironic. You finally caught me, yet now you need me more than ever.
But then again, you've always needed me, haven't you Mr. Powers?
Remember when I told you, we are not so different, you and I?
We are not so different, you and I.
See, I did say that.
Very clever.
Now who has my father?
Oh, oh...someone have some daddy issues.
Nothing could be my father from the truth.
You said my father.
No, I didn't.
Didn't, did not.
For me this is a dad issue.
Daddy love me.
It seems the knighting ceremony wasn't the only time your... daddy let you down.
Remember that day at the academy? Think!
It was graduation.
Yeah, baby, yeah. Do I make you horny, baby?
That, that's the spot. Right there.
Crikey! Have you ever heard of knocking, man?
Young Dr, Evil: Right!
We were just getting started.
Don't forget, Mr. Powers, may tell you about the brief oral exam.
When I have the bit, it's mostly oral, and not too...brief, baby.
You know, brief and oral exam.
It looks like Master Evil is the top-contender for this year's International Man of Mystery.
He's number one in the class.
Hey, everybody, I'm Number 1.
Hello, I'm Number 2.
Nice to meet you Number 2.
But, now I'm going to be named this year's International Man of Mystery.
Who throws a cupcake? Honestly?
And now it's time for award of greatest honour. This year's International Man of Mystery is...
Austin Powers!
Well done Austin.
It has always been my dream to win this award just like my dad.
Glad he could be here.
Stand up, dad. Take a bow.
Dad?
I had the best grades in the class, and I didn't get diddly squat.
Here we go.
Tell me Mr. Powers.
What did you find on those sailors? A golden surprise? Perhaps?
How did...yes...all the sailors had their meat and two vege painted gold.
Yes, it's the distinctive calling card of a criminal mastermind.
The abli named...
Goldmember.
How can I find this Goldmember?
Quid pro quo, Mr Powers.
Yes, squid pro row.
I'll give you Goldmember. You give me a transfer to a regular prison.
So that I could be with my beloved Mini-Me.
Okay. I'll get you a transfer to a regular prison. Now where's Goldmember?
Not where Mr. Powers, but when.
1975 'Studio 69' Disco. New York City. Corner 69 and 8th.
You go now, Mr. Powers. Fly fly.
I'll get it.
Instead of hiding your father in some remote location. Goldmember's hiding in 1975.
So our engineers has crafted this vehicle to time travel to the 70s.
Smashing, Basil. A pimp mobile.
Yes, yes, I knew it would tickle your fancy.
What can I say? Look. Cough...
Here we go, 1975.
Good luck, Austin.
1975, yeah baby, yeah!
Good evening, everybody. And welcome to Studio 69.
Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Goldmember.
Everybody, I'm from Holland! Isn't that wierd?
Well. If it isn't Austin Powers.
I'm sorry?
You got a lot of nerve, jagging your jive white ass in here.
I don't believe we have met.
It's me, Foxxy. Foxxy Cleopatra.
Long time no see.
Stop!
We can't be seen talking to each other. You dig?
I'm using this cat as a distraction.
I get it, yes, very clever.
First things first.
Eight years and no phone call? Nobody stands up Foxxy Cleopatra! Where have you been?
Listen Foxxy. I just want you to know I never intended to hurt you, baby.
Well, all I know is. Momma only got a taste of honey.
But she wanted the whole beehive.
Oh, beehive!
You always knew how to make me smile.
Well you know it's a gift really, I...what am I doing?
Foxxy, what are you doing in Goldmember's club?
I'm undercover.
About a year ago, my partner at the bureau was killed.
And that jive-ass turkey, Goldmember is the prime suspect.
Your father is in the backroom under heavy guard.
Thanks Foxxy.
Austin, good luck.
Austin Powers: Dad!
Nigel Powers: Hello son. Just overpowering my guards.
Austin Powers: I'm here to rescue you. Come quickly!
I got a better idea. Why don't you rescue me in about...what seven or eight minutes?
Knock it off.
I don't wanna see my dad on the job. Come on, let's go.
Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry girls. I gotta...
What's wrong with your neck?
I took a Viagra, it got stuck in my throat and I've had a stiff neck for hours.
Listen, dad, if you are gonna talk about naughty things in front of these American girls, then at least speak English-English.
All right, my son.
God, that was good times, son.
Goldmember: Welcome to 1975, Austin Powers and fassia. Excuse me, while I change, the hola boogie has made me sweaty. You see Mr. Powers. I love gold. The look of it, the taste of it, the smell of it, the texture… I love gold so much that I even lost my genitalier in an unfortunate smelting accident. Hence the name...Goldmember.
We're both swingers, you see?
You have a toite body.
Yesh, I see that from your toite bands.
Yesh, you are toite like a toiger!
Would you like a shmoke and a pancake?
A what?
A shmoke and a pancake?
You know. Flapjack and a cigarette?
Hm? All right. Shigar and a waffle? No?
Pipe and a crepe? No?
Bong and a blintz?
Oh, well. Then there is no pleasing you.
That's not right.
Uh, hello, what have we here?
That's a keeper, yesh. Put it in the skin-box, please.
I'm peeling.
Oh, that's just disgusting.
Quickly, quickly, thank you.
Save me for myself.
You're insane, Goldmember!
"And that's the away, uh-huh uh-huh, I like it."
K.C. and the Sunshine Band.
Alright, Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy.
There are only two things, I can't stand in this world:
People who are intolerant of other people's cultures.
And the Dutch.
What?
Take the fassia away.
Dutch-hater. And now it is time to say goodbye.
Dr. Evil's orders.
"Which for you is bad news, bears."
Walter Matthau.
Sha-zam! Up yours jive-turkey.
Traitor!
Here's the gun, point it at him.
2002!
They're taking my father to the time machine.
You say what-machine?
Come on now.
This way, sugar!
That was close Foxxy, I owe you one.
Austin, I found this in Goldmember's office.
It's a microfilm, maybe a clue.
Smashing.
I wanna go to the future with you.
We can catch Goldmember together. I owe it to my partner.
I should warn you Foxxy, 2002 is very different.
Well, the future better get ready for me.
Because I'm Foxxy Cleopatra.
And I'm a whole lotta woman!
2002, here we come!
All visitations limited five minutes.
No spitting in the visitors room.
Herr Doctor. I have some news.
It's your son.
He wants to take over the family business.
Scotty does?
He's gotten so evil he's even started losing his hair.
I know, it's sweet.
Oh, he just wants to make you proud, Herr Doctor.
After all it's hard on the boy not having a father.
You know. First you were frozen, then you were in space, now you're in jail.
Don't tell me he feels neglected.
I was adopted by freakin' Belgians.
You were adopted?
I never met my birth parents.
There was a car accident.
I'm told that it was a beautiful Belgium day.
The smell of waffles and brussels sprout filled the summer air...until...
My birth mother was incinerated.
I only survived because of her smoking carcass formed a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence.
A Belgian man and his 15-year old love slave with wet feet was looting the accident scene, they come across a bloodsoaked baby...moi!
They raised me to be evil. You know, that old chestnut.
Ja.
But nothing compares to this.
Being inside the belly of the beast, night after night all alone...
Daddy's all pant up, let's freak.
Time's up!
Visitings hours are over. Get to the line.
Cuffs up!
Move it!
Hi there. How are you sleeping? Good?
Gentlemen, listen up, ya'll.
Here's the new plan.
You're gonna start a riot.
And we're gonna walk out the front door.
Hey man, I know guys on crack that make more sense than you.
Really?
Then let me put it to you this way, 'coz...
Alright, listen up! Tonight, 8 PM you're gonna start a riot.
Yes, Dr. Evil!
Attention all guards. There is a riot in progress.
Seal all exits!
Attention, Dr. Evil and his clone are trying to escape.
All guards report to cell block A immediately...
There you are. Good morning, sunshine.
Good morning.
How did you sleep?
Great!
Me too.
If these lips could talk.
Oh, hello.
You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.
Oh, I hope there's a search involved.
You got mail.
So, what does this thing do?
Well, it's called the Internet.
It complete revolutionize the way we live and access vital information.
For example, have a look at this.
Now that's vital information!
I know it's amazing.
Oh, Basil, what's happening, baby?
A lot is happening Foxxy.
Dr. Evil has escaped.
The good news is one of our agents has managed to infiltrate
Dr. Evil's organization.
Excellent, Basil, we have been trying for years to get a mole inside Dr. Evil's lair.
We now have that mole.
Yes.
Ah, and here he is.
So, you're the...
Mo...mo...mo...
Most...most...most excellent agent we've ever seen.
Yes, the most excellent agent we've ever seen. Thank you.
Thank you.
Now I wasn't able to get the exact location.
But I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside Tokyo, Japan.
By the way I realize that I have a large mole on my face.
Where? What? Where's that mole? I didn't see one.
I also realize the irony, that I am myself...a mole.
No one would make that connection.
Anyway...well done, old chap. Jolly good work.
Nice to mole you...meet you!
Nice to meet you, Mole! Don't say mole.
Stop!
I said mole.
Stop!
Bye
Mole!
Mole!
Mole!
Oh, shut up!
Austin Powers: Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!
Up periscope.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to my new submarine lair.
It's long and hard, and full of seamen.
Nothing?
No?
Not even a titter?
Tough sub.
Dr. Evil, You look very toit! Yesh, toit like a toiger! Yesh Yesh Yesh!
Really?
Yesh, you look like a "macho-man".
Village People.
You know, Goldmember?
I don't think that's something one dude should say to another dude!
Yeah! A little creepy!
Ooh yesh! Yesh yesh yesh yesh! This is a keeper!
Alright... you're not going to put that skin in your mouth, are you?
You did... ok... that's just gross!
Yesh, salty! Yesh that was good!
Ladies and gentlemen.
As you know.
We've been designing a "tractorbeam".
Code name Preparation H.
It's powerful enough to pull the meteor..."Midas 22".
Into a collision course with the Earth, upon entering the atmosphere the hot ball of magma.
Will strike and melt the polar icecaps, causing a global flood.
But enough of my technical mumbo-jumbo.
Allow me to demonstrate.
Lower the globe.
Lower the globe!
Av, av...
Scheisse.
Well, congratulations, numb nuts... you've succeeded in turning me into a frickin' Jack in the box!
Get it off. Get it off! It's dark. It's dark.
I'm okay, I'm okay.
Release the meteor.
Release the meteor!
No way!
Right in the kanickies!
God dammit!
Guys!
Way to go a-hole!
All right hold on, let me try to find my balls for God's sakes!
One, two... and three, okay. I'm okay!
Dr. Evil, we still have the ultimate insurance policy.
May I present to you the very sexual, the very toite.
Austin Powers fassia.
His what?
His fassia Dr. Evil.
His ferder?
What's a ferder?
His fassia! You know, the fassia.
Yeah Goldmember, I don't speak freaky-deaky dutch.
Okay perv boy?
Fassia, his dad, dad is fassia.
Oh his dad, oh his FATHER.
Yes, that's the right accent.
Isn't that weird.
Father, father.
Ah, Nigel Powers.
Hello, hello.
Bring him to me!
Easy peasy lemon squeezy!
Put the guns down. Is this the first day on the job or something?
Look, this is how it goes... You attack me one at a time.
And I knock you out in a single punch. Okay, go!
Oh, he's good.
Do you know who I am?
Have you any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
And look at you. You haven't even got a name tag.
You got no chance!
Why don't you just fall down?
Alright, Dr. Evil, give yourself up, while you still got a chance.
Okay, okay. You got me.
Nigel Powers, meet...Mini-Me.
Oh, blimey. I though I smelled cabbage.
Take hime away!
Dr. Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold?
It's kinda my thing, you know?
Dr. Evil: How about no, you crazy Dutch bastard!
Attention henchmen. It's health week. Don't forget your physical. Dr. Evil's orders.
You know, I think it's a shame the way they treat you.
Just because you're one-eight their size.
Doesn't mean you deserve one-eight of their respect.
Mini fella. I'm...I'm curious.
Is everything in proportion?
You know your bobby dangler, your general, two colonels.
Your giggle stick, master of ceremonies.
Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
My word! You're a tripod.
What do you feed that thing? It's like a baby's arm holding an apple.
The good news is. If you ever get tired.
You can use it as a kick-stand.
I think we both know who the real brain is behind this operation.
Tokyo, a go go, baby, yeah!
What's kicking, Basil?
A lot's kicking, Foxxy.
Austin?
One of Dr. Evil's henchmen has been spotted at the Asahi Sumo Arena.
See there immediately.
Thanks, Basil.
Ah, Jesus Christ, this diaper is making my nuts rub together.
It's gonna start a fire!
That's Fat Bastard!
Do you know what my favorite Helen Hunt movie is?
TWISTER!
That's not right.
Sure ain't.
Are we done here? I've gotta take a crap.
Wait a tic. Something doesn't smell right.
And I think it's Fat Bastard.
You okay, Austin?
Sound as a pound, love.
I didn't have any corn!
Hey diaper-lady! Here's my diaper.
I think I might have pinched one off too soon.
I left a rosebud in there for you.
You really are a fat bastard!
You know, that hurts my feelings. I'm trying to go on a diet, you know.
The zoan. You know curbs are the enemy.
Oh...who's your friend?
Oh, I liked to have a go with that filly.
Do you find me sexy?
Look at my titties!
Shut your mouth!
Alright, that's enough!
Okay, you got me, put it there, would you?
Okay.
Come here, you!
Oh, my titties!
You give me a nipple!
I've got you now!
Come here you!
Prepare for the ultimate wire-fighting manoeuvre!
I just hope my wire-fighting team is ready!
Crikey!
Fat Bastard: Oh, great, isn't this magical? One of my wires broke.
You're under arrest, sugar!
Okay, Fat Bastard, who's the Japanese cat you made an exchange with?
All right. His name is Roboto.
He owns Roboto Industries.
He's designing some contraption for Dr. Evil...I don't know...
The tractorbeam.
The tractorbeam.
That's it!
Listen, do you honestly think that crime can pay?
Well, to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit.
I really take my sumo wrestling seriously, you know.
But when you are an overweight child.
In this society that demands perfection.
Like your sense of right, wrong, fair and unfair.
We'll always be tragically scud.
Did you just soil yourself?
Maybe.
It did sound a little wet, didn't it, right in the end, uhh...
Let's have a smell, alright.
Wafting, wafting.
Well, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? This is magic!
Alright, analysis.
Smells like carrots and throw up.
That could gag a maggot!
Smells like hot, sick arse and a dead carcass.
Even stink would say that that stinks!
You know when you go to the apartment building, and you smell other people's cookin' on each floor, and you go: "What are they cookin'".
That, plus crap!
Hey pa!
Hey Scotty! How you been sport...
I got you a present.
Really?
Open the tank.
Open the tank!
Are those sharks with laser beams attached to their heads?
Cool!
You mean I actually have fricken' sharks with fricken' laser beams attached to their fricken' heads?
You're the best evil son an evil dad could ever ask for.
I love you, dad.
I love you, son.
Starting moment...
Scotty! Come here.
Pop a squat, right next to daddy!
Mini-Me, move down the bench.
There's a power struggle.
Scotty's on fire!
Alright, it's getting crowded in here.
Everyone out, everyone out, come on!
Not you, Scotty.
Not you, Number 2.
Not you, Frau.
Not you, Goldmember.
Not you guys back there.
Not you henchman holding wrench.
Not you henchman arbitrarily turning knobs making it seem like you're doing something.
This is uncomfortable!
The tiny one can't take a hint.
He doesn't understand, He's small.
Hello Foxxy. Austin.
We've confirmed what Fat Bastard told you about Roboto is accurate.
He was hired by Dr. Evil to construct Preparation H.
So Roboto had the technology to build Goldmember's tractorbeam.
Which means Roboto will lead us to Goldmember.
Which means Goldmember will lead us to my father.
You speak Japanese?
A little.
Well, you might be a cunning linguist, but I'm a master debater.
I'm looking for my father. He was kidnapped.
Please eat what?
Wait. He said: "Please eat some shitake mushrooms."
Tell me. What do you know about...s...my father's where...about...s.
Your ass is happy?
No!
He said: "Your assignment is an unhappy one".
Nice potty-mouth, dirtbag.
Yes. Quite off topic, thank you very much.
Why don't I just speak in English?
That would be a good idea, now wouldn't it?
That way I wouldn't miss-read the subtitles making it seem like you're saying that are dirty.
I'm sorry to hear about your father. But I can't help you.
Please excuse me.
I have another appointment.
By the way...
Mr. Roboto is lying to us.
Tell me something I don't know.
I open-mouth kissed a horse once.
Say-what?
That's something you don't know.
My spider-senses tell me that my father is still in this building.
You keep a look out. I'm gonna try to sneak in.
Sha-zam!
Come on, sugar.
There is Goldmember and Roboto.
Yesh. Very impressive put Preparation H into my stooping transporten.
You need this to tone the tractorbeam.
It's a gold key.
Smarty pants.
Let's spread out.
Hands up, Goldmember!
It's payback time.
Sure you can kill me.
But then, what happens to Austin Powers' fassia?
Dad!
Yesh! And now he's going to have an unfortunate smelting accident.
Don't worry dad! I'm here to rescue you.
May I point out that last time around you fell into an obvious trap.
Now you're trying to save me instead of stopping Goldmember.
Austin Powers: Please, I'm not gonna let Goldmember get away!
Austin, Goldmember is getting away.
Hello, hello, aren't you gonna introduce us, Austin?
Foxxy, this is...
Powers. Nigel Powers.
Is that Eau de Fleuratia your wearing?
Yes, it is.
That's how a woman should smell.
Especially one as beautiful as you.
My my...even in the face of danger you live up to your reputation.
Get on with it!
I got an idea.
Your spycar is a mini.
It's not the size mate.
It's how you use it.
You know I would have found my way out, very well.
What? I saved your life!
Listen.
Should have been doing your job!
Oh, you're welcome, mate.
Shut up and turn around, please!
Godzilla Pedestrian: Run! It's Godzilla!
Godzilla Copyright Pedestrian: It looks like Godzilla. But due to International Copyright Laws...it's not.
Godzilla Pedestrian: Still, we should run, like it is Godzilla!
Godzilla Copyright Pedestrian: Though it isn't.
There is Goldmember.
Greater-greater one-niner, this is Goldie-van. Over.
10-4 there, Goldie-van this is Rubber-ducky, what's your ten-twenty? Over.
I've got Preparation H in rear and smoke in the barrel of my backdoor... Viva las convoy. Over.
Yee-haa. Copy that you son-of-a-bitch powder of monkeynuts.
Open wide there Rubber-ducky, I'm entering your mouth now. Over.
Great, Goldmember got away.
Now what?
I think it's obvious, we should take Dr. Evil's lair by force.
You can be my backup, son.
Backup?
Well, that's fairly condescending.
Do you think Dr. Evil's gonna expect an attack?
We should infiltrate his lair.
It's ain't my first rodeo, cowboy.
We need commandos, scuba...gadgets for god-sake.
Well, I don't like to use gadgets.
Outside the bedroom, I thank you...
You know. I think being frozen damaged your brain.
Really? And how would you know?
This is the most time we ever spent together, since...ever!
What are you saying, son?
What boy learned to drive a car with machine guns on it?
Or had a helicopter you could fit in a nutsack?
What about your Swedish nanny, Helga?
Oh, yes, Helga!
Let's say I didn't hire her for the cooking.
She stayed on, until you were 24.
We were mates, you and I.
I didn't need a friend. I needed a father.
You know I have risked my life trying to save you.
And you still don't give me any respect.
Respect? Come on.
If you got an issue, here's your tissue.
That is not funny.
Well, I suppose we better go our separate ways then?
Fine.
Fine.
So. I've been assigned to welcome you to the Ministry of Defense.
I have a letter from my director personally thanking you for switching sides.
I...can't wait to inform Austin of your defection.
Oh. Hello Basil.
Yes, Austin should be here any second.
Yes, I'm in Austin's hotel room right now.
Assassin!
Try to kill me will ya?
Oh. You wanna be friends, huh?
Wait a tick.
I'm not falling for that again!
But, at least he didn't mention it.
Yes, I realize he can't talk.
Listen, I think Dr. Evil treated him badly. And that's why he has decided to help us.
Come back here, you little bugger.
Oh, yes. I'm sure Austin and Mini-Me will get along famously.
I guarantee nothing will happen to Mini-Me in my watch.
Come here you bugger, I got ya.
Oh, I think he and Austin will be united in their commitment to the mission of stopping Dr. Evil.
Austin. There you are.
I have come to tell you the good news.
Mini-Me has… switched sides.
Sorry about that, old chap.
Welcome aboard.
My mole-stake.
What was that?
Listen. Just get it out of your system.
No, I'm fine.
I insist.
We could work together better if you just...
Mole!
Bloody mole!
We are not supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face!
I'm gonna chop it off, and cut it off.
And make some guacamole!
Better?
Yeah.
So you decided to join us, huh, Mini-Me?
And welcome to the good side, my mini-brother.
And thank you for the map for Dr. Evil's sub.
What's this?
It says: "Dr. Evil's tractor beam is now complete. There is not much time. Dr. Evil must pay!"
"You are so beautiful."
"Are you a clone of an angel?"
That is so sweet!
But no my mini-man, I'm not.
"Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?"
Yeah I'm sure.
"Would you like to...?"
Holy bugger!
That is so not funny.
Okay, everyone, prepare to dive.
This spycar is also a submarine.
Get me the World Organization.
What is it, Dr. Evil?
Gentlemen. In a matter of hours, a meteor will crash into Earth causing a global flood. That is of course unless you pay me. 1 billion-gezillion-fefillion...-million...yen.
I think you're bluffing.
Well, perhaps you would like a demonstration? Number 2 the key, please.
Sir, Dr. Evil is not bluffing.
One of our satellites is falling out of orbit.
Which one?
It's the one that looks like a pair of...
Melons! Big juicy melons!
Are they nice and firm?
Well, what do you think?
Look at that!
It looks like a set of giant...
Hey, A and N you're late. How're we doin..
Go Titans! Check it out. Those remind me of...
Ozzy Osbourne: Boobs!
Boobs, Ozzy?
These filmmakers is just *BEEP* boobs!
What do you mean, dad?
Well they use the same *BEEP* jokes, as they did in the last Austin Powers movie.
What *BEEP* joke?
You know the *BEEP* joke about the long smooth rocket that looks like some guy's...
Johnson!
Johnson: Yes, sir?
Any sign of that satellite?
No, sir. It's gone.
Gentlemen, you have my demands, peace out!
Cool, baby. You look very switched on.
Thank you, Austin.
No, Mini-Me! Off! Bad! No humping!
Dr. Evil. In light of success of the device.
It is a Japanese custom that I receive a bonus.
A bonus?
That's good. Yeah.
Throw me a freakin' bonus here!
I haven't laughed that hard since I was a little girl, thank you!
Oh, you're not joking.
No! In fact if you don't give me the bonus...
Hey guys!
Hey Scotty, how are you, sport?
Why don't you let me take care of this?
Why don't you let me take care of this?
Okay. That's the evil laugh. Scotty! Scotty! Scotty. Take it down a notch. It's creepin' a bit.
Let's go.
We will need a disguise.
There's only one uniform.
One of us has to go, on the other one's shoulders.
Hey there buddy how's it going?
Good to see, ya.
Yeah, yeah… hi!
Hello. You alright?
Yes, it's a good hat. Very good hat.
Come on, Mini-Me, let's go.
Hold it right there, mister.
Did you really think that you could get away with this?
I did actually, yes.
Every new recruit must have a physical.
Now get in here, sailor.
I'm going to need a urine sample.
Okay.
Okay then.
Hello.
And here we go.
Terrific.
Yes.
Alright, sailor. Go behind that screen and strip down to your skippies.
Alright then, I'll just go to that screen.
Which is over there.
Right behind that screen.
Come on, hurry the map.
Okay, what's on the map?
I'm going to need a urine sample.
Which way to the main chamber?
Okay. So...sure.
Excuse me, doctor?
It's difficult in public, isn't it?
Mini-Me, our shadows, we're casting a shadow.
What's wrong, sailor?
You should check that guy out!
What the hell is going on here?
Hands up.
You heard me, I said hands up!
Both of you!
Come with me!
Mini-Me, the map. Go!
Okay, you got me.
Are you alright, little man?
Right on!
Mr. Powers.
Before I kill you. Perhaps you would like to see the genius of my plan.
Key, please.
What the? Who? But how? Where?
Looking for this?
Mini-Me?
Alright, everybody, drop your guns.
Because Foxxy Cleopatra is in the sub.
Smashing, Foxxy! Yeah!
Alright, Dr. Evil.
It has finally come down to this.
You, me and the gun.
What are you going to do now, Austin?
Dad? What are you doing here?
I gotta finish this off once and for all.
I'm afraid you can't do that.
I have to protect my son.
Dad, I'm fine.
I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about… him.
What?
Dr. Evil is not your son. I am.
You both are.
What?
It was our first… family holiday together.
Just as I was finishing a case.
Your mother brought the two of you to Belgium.
I stopped to have a tinkle.
When the car...
But, my parents died in a car accident.
It was no accident.
It was an assassination attempt.
I thought only Austin survived.
I should have told you the truth earlier.
But those Belgians, they made you so damn...evil.
Of course they share border with Dutch.
Very interesting story, Mr. Powers.
Of course, I'm gonna have to wait until I see all the facts.
Daddy!
Daddy is here, Ducky.
Ducky, ducky?
Ducky remember, Ducky...?
Dad, what's going on?
What are you going to do, Austin?
Austin!
Are you sure you can trust Dr. Evil?
He ain't heavy.
He's my brother, baby, yeah!
I should have told you this so long ago, son.
I'm very proud of you.
Can you forgive me?
I forgive you dad.
I'm Ducky! I'm Ducky!
Oh, come on! I mean first I'm not evil enough for you. And now you're gonna turn good?
Listen, Scott. You can spend your whole life trying to win your parents acceptance. Believe me! But at the end of the day you just gotta do it for yourself, baby.
Hey, Austin...
What?
I hate you. I hate you! I hate you! I don't even know you, but I hate you too. And I especially hate you! You'll pay. You'll all pay!
I'd like to point out that no one else in my gene pool runs like a girl.
Not so fast, smarty pants!
Dr. Evil! You might not want to destroy the world. But I do!
Preparation H goes ahead as planned.
I got to flood the Earth!
Think again, Goldmember.
Huh, Foxxy Cleopatra. It's a shame I had to kill your partner.
Too bad for you.
Too bad for me? How about too bad for you?
Oh no!
Luckily I keep a spare.
Look everyone! My winky was a key!
Oh dear, bloody Dutchman.
Foxxy, I'm coming!
Don't do anything stupid or the shooting begins.
Austin, take Ducky I'll stay here and be your backup.
Ducky, what do we do?
I'm not really a "hands-on-evil-genius."
Think you were always the smart one.
I could rewrite the output capacity to the tractorbeam from one of the conduit boxes up there.
Come on, let's go.
Yesh! The shooting begins.
Let me shoot!
You know, Dr. Evil. I used to think you were crazy.
I know.
But now I can see your nuts. I thank you.
Hurry!
Goldmember: (as he’s electrocuted) Fassia, fassia, fassia, fassia, fassia. (stops being electrocuted for a moment) Fassia can you here me? (resumes being electrocuted) Fassia, fassia...
Well done, Austin!
You saved the world again.
Thank you.
Austin, you did it.
We did it!
Yeah, baby!
No? Just trying it on.
Foxxy Cleopatra: Goldmember, you're under arrest, sugar.
Hey assholes! Do I have time for a last smoke and a pancake or what?
I'm from Holland! Isn't that wierd?
Yes, well done!
Hey Powers!
Fat Bastard?
But you are not fat anymore.
I'm on the subway diet. I've lost 180 pounds.
Congratulations, baby.
Thank you.
I do have a little bit of excess skin though.
But unfortunately my neck does look like a vagina.
Austin.
Thank you, for everything.
Sha-zam!
Scott: I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.
Well, they are using the same *BEEP* joke as they used in the last Austin Powers film... movie... oh, I'm sorry.
Well, they are using the...the...what...
Well, they are using the same joke, as they...
W...what do you mean?
Boobs, Ozzy?
Stop...
Oh, don't start this Kelly, don't you worry about...
On the mark!
On the mark?
I don't like that noise I'm getting all turned on.
My testerone is going dancing...
Get off me!
Is...is it true what they say about you?
Kickstand? Really? Can I give you my cellphone number?
Please?
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach.
Britney Spears: Is it... is it true what they say about you? (Mini-Me whispers to her ear) Kickstand? Really? Um, can I give you my cell phone number? Please?
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