Revolution Jungle

The twelfth chapter of Total Drama Revolution, posted on September 1, 2011.
==Story==
"Last time on Total Drama Revolution, the contestants got a surprise visit from Dustin Nutria, the abhorrent singer who we all know and hate. Abbey got booted out, who knows why? And it was just when Kavren started to like her. But it's actually good for the guy, we don't want him to end up like someone else. Who will be eliminated next? Will we think of any challenges? Find out today on Total Drama Revolution!" says Chris.
Kavren is playing video games in his dorm.
"Hey, guys, I have to ask you something." says Kavren.
"Sure." says Antoine.
"Go for it, bro." says Donny.
"What size bra do you think Abbey wears?" asks Kavren. "I've been thinking about that for a while..."
"That is disgusting, dude." says Donny.
"I know you think about that for Chelsey." says Vincent. "Don't deny it, dude."
Donny blushes. "Well, Chelsey is hot. Abbey's meh."
"What are you talking about, fools?" asks Ori, stepping out of the bathroom. "Abbey's crazy hot."
"Let's rate the girls. We boys need girlfriends. So far, there's only one real relationship, and that's Geoff and Bridgette 2.0." says Antoine.
"All right, Lizza." says Vincent. "Maybe a one."
"Zero point five." says Donny.
"Negative ten." says Antoine.
"PJ?" asks Kavren.
"I give her a two. She's a little fat." says Donny.
"Did she even say anything during her time on the show?" asks Ori.
"She said 'muh', and '...'." says Kavren.
"How do you say '...'?" asks Donny.
"Dot-dot-dot." says Kavren. "All right, what about Kim?"
"Eww, she was fugly. I give her a two." says Ori.
"She wasn't that bad, but we barely knew anything about her, and she had that creepy hand thing." says Donny.
"You two seem similar in a way." says Vincent. "You and Kim. I can't place my finger on it, though..."
"What about MacKenzie?" asks Antoine.
"Ten." says Kavren.
"Twelve." says Donny.
"Over nine thousand." says Ori.
"Guys, she wasn't that hot. She was a Mary Sue." says Vincent.
"Yeah, true. What about Mattie?" asks Donny.
"I remember her. She was kind of bland." says Kavren. "But she's Abbey's friend, so that's good enough for me."
"She was super hot, though." says Donny. "And I think our creeper friend has a crush on her."
"You mean Dolph?" asks Vincent.
"No, I mean Louie McSchmicklegoobersonschnitzel." says Donny sarcastically.
"There was a contestant named Louie McSchmickle--" says Antoine.
"No, I was just joshin' ya." says Donny.
Kavren is listening to 'Strip them Down' on his uPod.
"This is, like, my favorite TDWT song." says Kavren.
"Uh-huh. Of course it is." says Antoine.
"It's just because you have a crush on Courtney." says Ori.
"One, how did you know that? And two, she's a sexy goddess." says Kavren.
"I don't know that. I was just guessing..." says Ori.
Kavren's diary falls out of Ori's backpack.
Ori facepalms.
"CITQueen is especially hot. You know, that Courtney cosplayer?" asks Antoine.
"Oh, yeah. I got excited when I saw a picture of her." says Donny.
The girls are watching Nebraska Shore.
"Come on, Tasia, isn't this quality entertainment?" asks Chelsey.
"Noooo, maaaan. I'd raaaather watch Baaaabies and Crooooowns." says Tasia.
"That show is horrifying, though." says Elle.
"Tasia, why are you even watching? I'm on my wiki." says Cammy.
"What's a wiki, maaaan?" asks Tasia.
"I'm creating your page right now." says Cammy. "What do you want your stereotype to be?"
"The awesome guuuurl." says Tasia.
"Uh, no." says Elle, while watching Nebraska Shore. "She's not awesome."
"To be awesome, you have to think awesome." says Chelsey.
"Hey, isn't that a quote from..." says Elle.
"Only my favorite reality show contestant ever." says Chelsey. "God, he was so hilarious."
"And hot." says Elle. "Really hot."
"Especially in his speedo thingy." says Chelsey.
"What are you guys taaaaalking about, maaaan?" asks Tasia.
"Some story. Don't worry about them." says Cammy.
Chris meets the contestants outside to explain the challenge.
"Today's challenge is brought to you by a fan." says Chris.
"Oh, great." says Chelsey.
"Each contestant will have to dress up/impersonate a former Total Drama School or Total Drama: Tiki Jungle contestant. You will be judged on how accurate you are." says Chris. "By the contestants themselves."
"I choose Elena." says Chelsey.
"No, no, you don't get to choose. Here's the hat from the wedding episode." says Chris.
Chef brings in his giant hat, and a crane.
"Kavren, you can pick first. Oh, and if you get a character with the opposite gender, that's not my fault." says Chris.
Kavren picks Arthur from the hat.
"Aw, sweet! Hey buddy!" says Kavren.
"Hey, dude. I've tightened my peanuts." says Arthur, who is taller and has lost weight.
"You don't look that morbidly obeeeese anymore." says Kavren.
"Yeah, I've lost a lot of weight, man. Let's not do the challenge and talk about video games." says Arthur.
"But I'll lose." says Kavren.
"If you do, and you get eliminated, then you can just come to my house and we can hang." says Arthur.
"Good point, dude." says Kavren.
"Antoine, you can pick next." says Chris.
Antoine picks Manty out of the hat.
"What the heck?" asks Antoine. "This guy was my least favorite character."
"He was everyone's." says Chris.
"Hey, dude! My shoes are fixed!" says Manty, who has not changed a bit in terms of appearance.
"Give me them." says Antoine.
"Why, man? These things are precious!" says Manty.
"I need them for the challenge." says Antoine.
"What challenge?" asks Manty.
Antoine sighs and shakes his head.
Vincent picks Chrissy out of the hat.
"Hey, dude. Cool hair." says Chrissy.
"Seriously, Chris? I have to dress up like a girl." says Vincent.
"You did it before." says Donny. "Vincecca Blackiewicz, remember?"
"Your turn, Donny." says Chris.
Donny picks Alex from the hat, who is asleep.
"Ugh, darn it." says Donny, and he drags Alex away.
"Now, it's Ori's turn." says Chris.
"Please don't be a girl. If it is, at least a hot one..." pleads Ori.
Ori picks Helga from the hat.
"AWW, NO! SHE WAS THE ONE PERSON I DIDN'T WANT!" says Ori loudly.
"Listen, dipthong, just agree with everything I say and you'll be fine." says Helga snidely.
"What book is that?" asks Ori.
"None of your business." says Helga. Under her breath, she says, "Idiot."
"All right, now it's time for the girls to pick. Elle, you can go first." says Chris.
Elle picks Nic out of the hat. He's taller and more in shape.
"Aww, I was hoping to get Abbey." says Nic.
"Abbey just got eliminated, arse." says Elle.
"Wanna see my Abby?" asks Nic.
"No, I'd rather not." says Elle.
"Hey, that chick's hot." says Arthur. Kavren nods.
"AAAUGH!" screams Elle. She begins to shiver.
"What's wrong, babe?" asks Arthur.
"F-f-fat... People..." says Elle.
"She's afraid of fat people." explains Chelsey. "And it looks like it's my turn. Oh, joy."
Chelsey picks Julia out of the hat.
"Ugh. A tall person?" asks Julia, who has not grown even half an inch.
"How are you doing with the money?" asks Chris.
"None of your beeswax." says Julia angrily.
"She spent it all on Bavarian sausages." explains Arthur.
"ARTHUR, SHUT UP!" yells Julia.
"Come on, Julia, let's go. You know, you were my favorite in Tik--" says Chelsey.
"I don't care." whines Julia.
"Cammy, it's your turn." says Chris.
Cammy picks Devin from the hat.
"Are you serious?" asks Cammy. "Well, he is a fan-favorite..."
"Yo, yo, shawty! You's lookin' fine, yo!" says Devin.
"No, I am not." says Cammy. "Gimme your hat."
Devin gives Cammy his hat.
"Want th' pants?" asks Devin.
"Sure, but I am not sagging no matter what." says Cammy.
"And last but not least, Tasia." says Chris.
"All riiiiight, maaan." says Tasia.
Tasia picks Sharissa from the hat. She has red hair now and is way taller.
"Hai, hai, hai!" screams Sharissa.
Cammy shudders. "Thanks to KingRedPop, I cannot look at her the same way ever again..."
"What's wrong, toots?" asks Sharissa.
"..." says Cammy. "Tasia, get her away from me..."
An hour later, the contestants are ready to perform.
Kavren comes up first. He is wearing a green shirt and blue jeans that are much too big for him. He is wearing glasses and his hair is styled like Arthur's. He also seems to have pillows in his shirt.
"I'm morbidly obeeeese." says Kavren. "My peanuts are looooose."
Arthur claps. "Excellent represental."
"Pete and Repeat sat on a wall. Pete fell off. Who was left?" asks Kavren.
"You even remembered that?" asks Arthur. "Good job, boy."
Antoine comes out. He is wearing gray gym shorts, a blue shirt that says "LAX" on it, no sunglasses, and Manty's infamous shoes.
"My shoes!" gasps Manty.
"I'm so popular and cool. I think I'm all that even though I'm not. I have awesome shoes. Blah, blah, blah." says Antoine.
Manty gasps and begins to tear up.
"I have a crush on like all the girls here." says Antoine. He then kicks off Manty's shoes and they hit Chris in the head.
"Ow..." says Chris. "What's the big idea?"
Vincent then comes out, in an abhorrent girl's outfit. He is wearing a brown wig, a gray tanktop, a washable skull tattoo, cutoff shorts, and red sneakers.
"Oh, no. I was already traumatized with Vincecca." says Donny.
"Hi! I'm Chrissy! I don't take any guff from anybody." says Vincent.
'Hey Vince, here's that latte you wanted." says an intern.
Vincent kicks the intern in the stomach.
"See what I mean?" says Vincent.
Chrissy comes out, and shrugs.
"Now, will you go out with me?" asks Vincent, taking off his wig.
"Chris, may I leave now?" asks Chrissy.
"Please do." says Chris.
Somebody with red and brown hair comes in driving a limo. Chrissy hops in and drives away as fast as she can.
Donny comes out wearing a familiar wig. He falls asleep in front of everyone.
"I can't think of anything else that would portray me better." says Alex, and falls asleep.
Ori then comes out, and reads a book.
"What Alex said." says Helga.
Elle comes out with a purple sweatshirt and short shorts on.
"I'm Nic. I'm hot and sexy and buff and I have an Abby and she's super hot and sexy and do you wanna see her? Please? Please?" asks Elle.
Nic makes a clicking noise.
Chelsey comes in, and she is crouched down. She is wearing a red hair wig.
"ARTHUR, SHUT UP." she yells.
Cammy comes out with a familiar green shirt, a familiar gray hat, and familiar blue jeans. She is not sagging.
"Yo, yo, yo! I'm a gangsta!" says Cammy. "I'm th' Devmeister!"
"Yeeeeah, boiiii." says Devin.
"I'm a girl." says Cammy obviously.
"Yeeeeah, girliiii." says Devin.
Tasia comes out with lots of make up and lipstick on.
"AAAAAIEEEEEE!" she screams. She then faints.
"What just happened?" asks Sharissa, coming out. "Sharissa Zydras Scot is not responsible for any injuries that may have occurred."
Tasia gets up. "I haaaaven't talked that loud for like ten yeeeears..."
Sharissa picks up Alex and runs away.
Devin and the others leave, too.
"I think Donny portrayed his character the best." says Chris, and he glances at Donny, who is still in the wig, sleeping. "The rest of you, go vote somebody who is not named Donny out."
"Hey, girls, wanna vote with us?" winks Kavren.
"Kavren, I thought you liked Abbey." says Chelsey.
"We're not exclusive." scoffs Kavren.
There is a scraping noise, and the grate on the ceiling begins to shake.
"Oh, I wonder who that is." says Vincent sarcastically.
"Psst. Guys. Open up." says a voice from the grate.
"No, we don't want to be kidnapped." says Vincent.
The grate falls, and Dolph hurtles down from the ceiling. His appearance has considerably changed. His hat is missing, his soul patch is now a full-grown beard, his shirt is unbuttoned, and his pants are ripped.
"Don't call my name, don't call my name. Alejandro. I'm not your babe, I'm not your babe. Fernando." sings Dolph.
"I hate that song." says Elle. "It reminds me of Al."
"It reminds EVERYONE of Al." says Chelsey. "It must be Nic's favorite song..."
"Ale-alejandro, Ale-alejandro." sings Dolph.
"Chris said you weren't allowed to return." says Antoine.
"I know. I just have to tell you guys something. Ori is in the bathroom, right?" asks Dolph.
"Yeah." says Vincent.
"Well, he brutally booted out Mattie. And I like Mattie. So, guys, tonight, vote Ori." says Dolph.
"No, man. You don't tell us what to do. And I like Ori." says Kavren.
"Well, we don't." says Chelsey. "Come on, gurls. Let's vote him out."
"Thanks, Dolph, I guess." says Elle.
Dolph winks, and mysteriously disappears.
Chris is at the elimination ceremony. "Devin dropped his pants, so we cut them up and decided to use them as the symbol for safety tonight."
"Gotta get pants! Go get your pants! Button, flyyy!" sings Donny.
"Donny, you won the challenge, so you get the first pants." says Chris.
"Don't want a kiss, don't want a touch, just smoke my cigarette, hush..." says a voice, appearing from behind Chris.
Chris points to the Taxi of Losers, and the person gets in. "Tasia, Elle, and Chelsey are safe."
Tasia, Elle, and Chelsey get their pants.
"Vincent, Kavren, and Antoine." says Chris.
Vincent, Kavren, and Antoine get their pants.
"Cammy and Ori. The final pants goes to..."
"Cammy."
Cammy giggles, and gets her pants. "Bye, Oriana."
"All right, guys. It was a pleasure to meet you all." says Ori. He high-fives Kavren and the other boys.
"Thank god he wasn't in his mean mode..." says Elle. Chelsey nods.
Ori then snaps. "WAIT, WHY AM I WALKING TO THE TAXI OF LOSERS?! DID YOU GUYS--"
Two buff interns grab Ori and drag him to the Taxi of Losers.
Ori then sees the driver. "DAD?!"
"Hi, son! We have to go to your Guppies swim meet!" says Ori's dad.
Ori curses several times, and the car drives off.
"See what happens next time, I guess." says Chris.
==Author's Notes==
*This is probably my favorite chapter of Rev, if only because it heavily features the Tiki Jungle cast (i.e. actually interesting and funny characters).
**Some of their appearances foreshadowed aspects of Total Drama: Superstar Showdown, such as Nic going through puberty. However, I also noticed some inconsistencies (as usual): for instance, Arthur is said to have lost weight even though TDSS clearly shows this isn't the case. I'd consider that non-canon and blame it on TDRev's lazy writing.
*Dolph singing "Alejandro" was inspired by my own iPod-listening habits at the time. 
*Ori was voted off because I thought he was the least versatile 'comic relief' character left, although in hindsight he's become one of my favorite characters in the story.