Krusty Krew Interviews

Krusty Krew Interviews is the fifth episode of season six, and the sixty-third episode overall, No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on March 30, 2022. 
==Plot==
Following Mr. Tentacles' departure, Mr. Krabs seeks to hire a new employee to take his place.
==Story==
[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab. A sign can be seen posted outside the restaurant, reading “Help Wanted”. The scene then cuts to the inside.] 
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob me boy, today is an important day.
Mr. SquarePants: Is it the day where you commit wage theft? 
Mr. Krabs: NO! Well, yes, but I wasn’t talking about that! I was talking about interviewing potential new cashiers, seeing that Mr. Squidward is no longer with us! And it looks like we have our first applicant!
[Mr. Pineapple walks into the building, sitting down.] 
Mr. Krabs: HEY! What are you doing here?! Didn’t you read the sign? NO FILTHY COMMIES ALLOWED! 
Mr. Pineapple: Don’t worry, I’m not here to saw the foundation of big business in half. I’m here to become a wage slave! 
Mr. Krabs: Nope. ABSOLUTELY NO SOCIALISTS ALLOWED WHATSOEVER. You see how that got me before! 
Mr. Pineapple: Mr. Tentacles was no TRUE socialist! He was just another neoliberal imperialist shill masquerading as one! I’m nothing like that fraud! 
Mr. Krabs: Nonsense, Mr. Squidward was Stalin’s puppy! Anyway, you’re in luck. I know another place that’s hiring and takes your kind. 
[Cut to the White House.] 
Mr. Biden: Welcome to the team! 
Mr. Pineapple: Nope. 
[Mr. Pineapple opens the window and jumps out it. Cut back to the Krusty Krab. Mr. Johnson and Mrs. O’Malley enter the establishment.] 
Mr. Krabs: Gah! The ICC! YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KRABBY PATTY WARS, THEY WERE ALL MR. G’S IDEAS! 
Mr. Johnson: Actually, we’re no longer part of the ICC. We got fired. 
Mr. Krabs: Oh. Well then would you care for Krabby Party? 
[He holds up a platter with the food on it.] 
Mr. Krabs: Only procured with the freshest ingredients and finest far-right coups! 
Mr. Johnson: Sure! 
[He grabs the Krabby Patty and takes a bite.] 
Mr. Johnson: Wow, you can really taste the blood of innocent civilians!
Mr. Krabs: That’ll be $10. 
Mrs. O’Malley: Actually, we’re here to apply for a job! 
Mr. Krabs: We’re? Well sorry lads, but only one position is open. 
Mrs. O’Malley: Well that’s okay, I’ll just take it then. 
Mr. Johnson: HEY! I should be the one getting the job. 
Mrs. O’Malley: And why should you get the job?! 
Mr. Johnson: Because I stole this weapon from Mr. G before we got fired! 
[Mr. Johnson takes out a bazooka and begins shooting it at Mrs. O’Malley.] 
Mrs. O’Malley: Gah! 
[She ducks and the bazooka ends up hitting the left side of the Krusty Krab, destroying it. Mr. Johnson grins sheepishly, and looks up at a glaring Mr. Krabs.] 
Mr. Johnson: So did I get the job? 
[Mr. Krabs throws both of them out the restaurant.] 
Mr. Krabs: AND YOU’RE PAYING FOR THAT! 
[Mr. Bass walks through the destroyed side.] 
Mr. Bass: Wow, I never knew you had a second entrance! 
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Bass, for the last time, we don’t serve- 
Mr. Bass: I’m not here to order, I’m here to apply! 
[He holds up a Help Wanted poster.] 
Mr. Krabs: You are? But why? You already have the best job in the world, you work at CPTV! 
Mr. Bass: Yeah, but CPTV is only open during the school season! School is coming to an end soon, and I need a summer job, or else I won’t be able to pay rent! 
Mr. Krabs: Your mother makes you pay rent even though you’re a teenager? Hm, maybe I should start charging Pearl… 
Mr. Bass: Actually, I’m 30. I just got held back a lot. 
Mr. Krabs: Ah. 
[Suddenly Mr. R’Onion enters.] 
Mr. R’Onion: I too would like to apply! 
Mr. Krabs: But Mr. R’Onion, you already have *three* jobs! You’re a senator from Jellyfish Fields, a teacher at Bikini Bottom High, and a Vimeo superstar! 
Mr. R’Onion: Well and I’m also President of Bikini Bottom. 
Mr. Krabs: Well actually that’s Mr. Renaud. 
Mr. R’Onion: Nope. Anyway, I’m tired of being a teacher. My students are incredibly unprofessional! Especially one in particular…
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion‘s Environmental Science classroom.] 
Mr. Pineapple: So, Mr. R’Onion, how about you show us those onions of yours? 
Mr. R’Onion: Nope. My onions are in hiding. It’s far too dangerous out here. I don’t want them to face the same fate as my tomatoes. 
[Cut to the Bikini Bottom High garden.] 
Mr. Sullivan: Hey, tomatoes! [picks a baby tomato and puts it in his mouth] 
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion, who has tears in his eyes.]
Mr. R’Onion: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! What is wrong with you?! You just murdered a baby, you sicko! 
[Cut back to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom.] 
Mr. Pineapple: But Mr. R’Onion! I NEED those onions! 
Mr. R’Onion: Travis, you know this is very strange, very unusual behavior. 
Mr. Pineapple: I know. 
[Cut back to the Krusty Krab.] 
Mr. Bass: Well now that the flashback is over, who gets the job? 
Mr. Krabs: I’m not sure, you’re both well-qualified candidates…Say, I’ve got an idea! Both of you can take turns serving as cash register, and whoever does the best job will be hired! 
Mr. Bass: Are we being paid for this? 
Mr. Krabs: Nope. 
Mr. Bass: Well, I suppose I have nothing else to do today. 
[He walks over to the cash register. Mrs. Puff walks in.] 
Mrs. Puff: Hello, I’d like one Krabby Patty to go please. [hands Mr. Bass $10] 
Mr. Bass: I’m sorry, I can not accept stolen money. 
Mrs. Puff: What are you talking about? This money isn’t stolen. 
Mr. Bass: OH YES IT IS! YOU’RE A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE! YOUR SALARY IS FUNDED ENTIRELY BY TAXATION, WHICH IS JUST LEGALIZED THEFT! 
Mrs. Puff: Well if you don’t want my money, I’ll take my business elsewhere. 
[Mrs. Puff walks out. Mr. Krabs walks up to Mr. Bass.] 
Mr. Krabs: MR. BASS! You just violated our most important policy of all! 
Mr. Bass: Always treating the customer with respect? 
Mr. Krabs: No, accepting all money! There is no type of money we here at the Krusty Krab reject! I don’t care if it’s blood money, if it’s money, we take it! YOU DO NOT GET THE JOB! Mr. R’Onion, let’s see you try. 
[Mr. R’Onion walks over to the cash register. Fred walks in.] 
Fred: Hello, I’d like one salad please. 
Mr. R’Onion: SALAD?! YOU MURDERER! How would you feel if someone ate your flesh?! 
Fred: [shrugs] I don’t know, I’ve never really thought about it. 
Mr. R’Onion: Well, maybe I should show you! 
[Mr. R’Onion grabs Fred’s leg and bites it.]
Fred: MY LEG! 
Mr. Krabs: Mr. R’Onion! No cannibalizing the customers unless I tell you to! You don’t get the job either! 
Mr. R’Onion: [spits Fred's leg out of his mouth] Really? You’re gonna fire me over a minor offense like that? I must say, you are an incredibly unprofessional business owner. Keep this sort of stuff up, and you’re gonna find yourself falling incredibly behind all the other restaurants. 
[Mr. R’Onion leaves.] 
Fred: Hey, what about my salad? 
Mr. Krabs: Well there goes my plans for hiring a new worker… 
[Suddenly Mr. Pineapple pops out from beneath the floor.] 
Mr. Pineapple: You know, I’m still open to work here! 
Mr. Krabs: Boy, what are you doing underground? 
Mr. Pineapple: This is my secret hide-out. I’m attempting to construct a nuclear bomb. 
Mr. Krabs: [dials his phone] She’s here, Mr. President. 
Mr. Pineapple: OH NO! 
[Mr. Pineapple quickly runs out of the restaurant. The episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom