Transcripts 2004-12

Transcripts from December 2004 strips.
==December 3==
Link to delisted Flash animationBroken link, but IIRC it was a choir of men singing "Sit on My Face" then walking off-stage to reveal they were not wearing pants.CLICK HERE FOR THE 500th 501st SSDD!
==December 6==
Panel 1Cook is standing and reading from a sheet of paper as a nut ricochets off his temple with a FLICK and BAP!. A bar graph with values declining along the X-axis is displayed on the wall behind him.Cook: ... Quarterly profits are up mostly due to taking advantage of the weak dollar and moving manufacturing over to the US...Cook (thinking): Ignore her! She's goading you!Panel 2Tessa is sitting with a mischievous grin at one of the conference room table seats. She is holding a nut in her fingers, poised to flick it. A bowl sits in front of her, full of the same nut she has flicked at Cook.Cook (off-panel): ...The small fact we've rejuvenated a prime recruitment area for the anarchists in the process is also a bonus...Cook (thinking, off-panel): She's WANT'S you to react!)Panel 3Same as panel 1, but Cook is struggling to withhold his anger, tearing the paper in his hand as his eyes and neck veins bug out. The nut hits his temple with a BIP! as Tessa giggles, "HE! HE! HE!"Cook (thinking): Don't let on she's getting to you and she'll stop...
==December 10==
Panel 1Smith (Adams) is sitting across from Tessa and examining a Cook-branded digital tablet, seemingly oblivious to the shenanigans around him.Cook (off-panel): QUIT IT!!!!Tessa (off-panel): Make me!Smith: Humm...Panel 2Same as panel 1, but Smith sits up and begins to speak.Cook (off-panel): Why don't you go back to picking peanuts out of your shit!Smith: Can you two be quiet? This could be important!Panel 3Same as panel 2, but now Smith has raised a handgun from the future, which VRUMMMMs to life.Tessa (off-panel): I'd rather flick them at you, you stuck up f...Smith: Me and Mr Gun said "Please be quiet I think I've found something!"Tessa (off-panel): ... okay.
==December 13==
Panel 1Cook glares, arms akimbo, at Smith, who is silhouetted in the foreground, still holding up Mr. Gun. Cook is wearing a Cook-branded grey polo shirt.Cook: Oh put that away Adams! That used to work on the grunts aboard E-11, but I have an IQ higher then 12!Panel 2The camera rotates to show Michael next to Smith, eyes wide and mouth agape with ♥♥s floating over his head. Smith side-eyes Michael with a vague sense of discomfort.Cook (off-panel): Plus you know what happens when Michael sees future tech! Let alone a gun!Cook (off-panel): YOU can explain the drool puddle to the cleaners this time!
==December 17==
Panel 1Smith covers his eyes in exasperation and gestures toward the main screen with his other hand.Smith: What did I do wrong in a past life to deserve this? Just put up slide 17 on the main screen please!Panel 2A photo of Gary with Norman, with Gary in the majority of the photo and only Norman's arm appearing. Cook's and Smith's heads appear in the dialogue captions to clarify who is speaking.Cook (dismissive): Gate's lawyer? We checked him out already and got nothing!Smith (stern): I'm I the only one who sees this? Anyone remember their history classes?Panel 3Close-up of a very annoyed Smith, with tiny black cloud over his head. Each character's head appears in the caption corresponding to their dialogue.Cook (annoyed): It may shock you to learn that I took physics instead of history!Michael (confused): Um, could you define "history" for me please?Sticks (laughing): Guess what I was taught! Hehe!Tessa (side-eye): I majored in being expelled!
==December 20==
Single PanelAn "SSDD" board game. Track is a crumpled white sheet of paper upon which is a digitally drawn curved "W" path with alternating dark green and red squares broken up by lighter green and red squares where an event appears. START (square 1) is at the upper-leftmost square and indicated with an orange arrow. FINISH (square 36) is the upper-rightmost square.InstructionsHi there boys and girls! Bored? You'll soon will be with the official SSDD Xmas board game! Get a die and some chips and you figure it out! Dumbass!Square 3To the right of the event dialogue is Richard holding a game joystick with a look of concentration on his face.Caption: Find your old ZX Spectrum in the loft while looking for the decorations. Miss a turn for wasting the say playing Jet Set Willy!Square 5To the right of the event dialogue is Kingston holding a stack of packages in front of his face.Caption: Order all your presents off the Internet and never need to leave the house! Skip ahead 4!Square 8Norman appears to the left of the event dialogue, looking frazzled and angry (with mushroom cloud over his head) as a ♪ note appears overhead.Caption: Try to get you presents from the shops, but the show of capitalism makes you go postal! Miss a go in the police cells for some "quite time"Square 10This is the only square other than FINISH that is orange, rather than a shade of green or red. ★s appear both in the space itself (1 large) and beneath the event dialogue (4 small).Caption: MAGIC SQUARE!Go ahead 2 spaces for no reason whatsoever!Square 13Above the event dialogue appear silhouettes of Kingston and Norman running against a dark blue background.Caption: Slip out to the pub to avoid your landlord's girlfriend's awful cooking! Go ahead 2!Square 19Beneath the event dialogue is Richard staring glumly down at a charred "dinner" on his plate.Caption: You eat the Xmas dinner your girlfriend made! Miss a turn to get your stomach pumped!Square 22Below the event dialogue is Kingston glaring at Richard, who is in a different but similar pose to the square 3 event.Caption: Get Halo 2 for Xmas, but you can't play it because your landlord hogs the TV to play Ant Attack and Beach Head! Miss a go!Square 26To the right of the event dialogue are Richard and Anne asleep on the couch. Anne is in Richard's lap, and Richard's arm is around Anne.Caption: Pass out in front of the Bond film with your girlfriend! You can't get more Xmas then that! Go ahead 3!Square 30Below the event dialogue is NORMAN written with one long stream.Caption: Pause to write your name in the snow! Miss a turn!Square 33Below the event dialogue is Norman with a "dead" face, and two green clouds sprouting up behind him.Caption: Suffocate in a sprout generated cloud of methane! Go back 2 then kill yourself!
==December 24==
The Church of Poisoned Minds
Panel 1Black-and-white monochrome comic. This panel is empty.Panel 2Al looks out from the bottom-right corner, with a ? above his head.Panel 3Al looks into the camera.Al: Are you still here?
==December 27==
HeaderNormal header is erased and replaced with a handwritten "I CAN'T BE ARSEDSingle PanelAssorted scribbles of random things.Partial list:Evil sneering face >=DNormal minimalist smiley face =)Normal minimalist astonished face =oLarge generic cartoon man's headGagging face with tongue sticking out"Dumb Rocket" with caption and arrow pointing to it: "SMART BOMB'S BROTHER THEY DON'T TALK ABOUTThe "Dumb Rocket" then careening toward a smiling sun, laughing "AHAH""FUCK TITS WANK" written upside downTiny hedgehog-like doodle saying "HELLO"Fisticuffs angry face with boxing gloves, encircled with the words "COME ON THEN"Goofy grinning face but the eyes are shaped to look like a woman's breastsVisor-helmeted rat soldier with moustache and goatee looking up and to the right, with hands over the "comic" borderAlien (DIE PUNY HUMAN!) in UFO with the glass dome popped open, and the UFO bottom is shooting a laser beam (ZAP!) toward a frying stick figure (OW)Three Ichthys-shaped fish with top hats, with a caption "DAPPER FISH"Giant sea monster head looking angrily at a scuba diver (!!!)"1 TON" weight falling toward a generic man face with a sad look (the man's, not the weight's)Al looking grumpy with the caption "CAN you TELL This was Done on BOXIN Day?
==December 31==
Panel 1Smith holds a whiteboard marker up to the projection screen, which still shows the picture of Gary. He looks over his shoulder in annoyance.Smith: Okay, how about if I add one or two details to this picture? Maybe you'll recognise him then!Panel 2Smith looks annoyed as Tessa (behind him, on the left) and Cook (behind him, on the right) stare into the camera at what Smith has drawn off-screen. The projector is visible on the ceiling above and behind Smith.Tessa: Bugger me!Cook: Although I have no idea what "bugger me" means, I'm pretty sure that I concur!
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