Arthur Christmas/Transcript

[We open in the small English village of Trelew, where a little girl, Gwen Hines, puts a letter in the mailbox. It is addressed to Santa Claus at the North Pole. We then transition to the North Pole. Moment of silence. No penguins, no bears, just an endless plain of ice.]
Gwen Hines: (voiceover) Dear Santa… are you real?
[Pan down underground…]
Gwen Hines: (voiceover) If you live at the North Pole, how come I can't see your house when I look on Google Earth? Are you Saint Nicholas? Because you'd be incredibly old.
[Reveal: a hallway of past portraits of past Santa Clauses.]
Gwen Hines: (voiceover) How do you have time to read all the letters... from all the children in the world? And how many cookies and mince pies have you eaten in all of history? How do you get all the presents in the sack? Does your sack have to get bigger every year... because of exponential population growth? And how do you get down the chimneys? I put my head in ours and it's really small. Even if you could squeeze down it in one minute...there's nine houses in my road so that's nearly 10 minutes. And there are millions of roads in the world.
[The camera pan seems to stop at the current Santa, Malcolm.]
Gwen Hines: (voiceover) My friend said...that you'd have to go so fast...it would make you and the sleigh and the reindeer all burn up. I think you are real. But how do you do it? For Christmas I would love a pink Twinkle Bike with stabilizers. But please don't bring it if it makes you and the reindeer burn. Love, Gwen Hines. 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew, Cornwall, England.
[We arrive at a room, where the letter is read by Arthur. He gets out a candy cane pen and writes back.]
Arthur: (voiceover) Dear Gwen, thank you for your letter... and brilliant picture. Your request for a pink Twinkle Bike will be passed on to Santa. And, yes, do believe in Santa. He is real. He's the greatest man ever. And he can get around the world to every child...without a single reindeer being roasted ali– (crosses out Roasted) Hurt. By the time the sun comes up on Christmas Day, he'll get to you too, using his special… magic. 
[He uses a special glitter marker to write the word "magic." We close-up on the word before transitioning to a starry night sky. On Christmas Eve, the S-1 appears over Aarhus, Denmark, camouflaged.]
Field Elf: First Field Elf Battalion, set.
Field Elf 2: Straighten that teddy bear, soldier.
Field Elf 3: Ma'am.
[Santa lands on the roof with the elves.]
Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho.
Andrew: That's a: "Ho, ho, ho" Aarhus.
Carlos: Field elves, jingle! Jingle, jingle! Drop time, 18.14 seconds per household.
[Andrew guides Santa down a ladder.]
Andrew: Left foot, sir. Right foot, sir. That's it, that's it.
[?]
Field Elf: Dog food incoming. Meaty chunks in the hole.
[?]
Elf 1: Wow, a grand piano. This kid must have been good his whole life.
[Elves sneak into the children's ward of a hospital and give a bunch of crying babies pacifiers to quiet them.]
Santa Claus: (admiring the stealthiness of the field elves) Marvelous. Gets me every time.
[?]
Parrot: (squawks) Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Merry-- 
[Another elf with a gun that has teeth on one end pulls a trigger which chomps a carrot and places it in a container attached to his back.]
Field Elf 3: Carrot chomped.
[?]
: Sir?
Santa Claus: Goodness me. Sorry.
[?]
: Drop complete. Stand by, S-1.
: You're gonna make it, soldier.
: Aarhus is merry.
: Santa has left the building.
The S-1 is preparing to depart Denmark.
Steve: North Pole to S-1, you have weather fluctuation. Update camouflage.
Chris: Roger that, Control. 
The camouflage is updated.
Chris: Hull projection optimized.
Sarah: Roger, S-1.
Chris: Denmark cleared.
[?]
Steve: Next drop, Flensburg, minus 1 2.4 seconds.
North Pole Computer: Flensburg weather: Deep, crisp, even.
[?]
Making a list.
Check it twice.
Checking twice.
A wrap for Denmark.
North Pole Computer: Converting milk and cookies to biofuel.
[?]
Santa Claus: Hello?
[?]
North Pole Computer: Santa on bridge.
Santa Claus: Sorry. Forgot the PlN code.
Chris: Just crossed into Germany, sir.
Santa Claus: Germany. So many countries these days.
Chris: It's a big night, sir.
Santa Claus: My 70th mission. Yes. (belches) Oh, sorry. One too many mince pies.
Chris: Looking forward to it? Retirement?
[?]
North Pole Computer: Ten seconds to Flensburg.
[?]
Santa Claus: Maintain current.... Carry on.
North Pole Computer: Update national protocol. Delete rice pudding and carrot. German leave-out for Santa is shoe on front step. Repeat, shoe on step.
[?]
600AM3.
[?]
Gift secured.
[?]
Carlos: Oi, soldier. Get off your baubles.
: What happened to peace and goodwill to all men, sarge?
Carlos: It don't say nothing about elves, soldier. Go, go, go!
[?]
Steve: Engage rooftops.
[?]
: It's snow time!
[?]
Steve: S-1, hold drop altitude. This is Germany, Father. They drive on the right. National dish, sausage. Okay, let's show them, people. Operation: Santa Claus is Coming to Town!
[?]
Santa Claus: Mission accomplished!
[?]
Santa Claus: Tonight we delivered 2 billion presents. On this… my 70th mission!
[?]
Elf: We'll miss you, Santa!
[?]
Peter: Stand by.
[?]
Santa Claus: Oh, thank you. You know, l sometimes think I couldn't do it without you. And my splendid Margaret, who's stood by me all these years very ably doing all that… stuff that women do when their husbands work. Marvelous. And Arthur, yes, doing vital work in Maintenance, really vital.
Arthur: l.... l work… in Letters.
Santa Claus: Letters, of course. I'm so sorry.
Arthur: You moved me after I tripped over that plug and melted down the elf barracks.
David: l lost everything in that flood!
Santa Claus: Yes. Now, many years ago, my father told me that being Santa is the best job in the world. 
[Grandsanta is sitting in a chair sleeping.]
Santa Claus: He was right. I've loved it. l can't wait for year 71!
[?]
Santa Claus: Merry Christmas, everyone.
[?]
Elves: (chanting) He's red, he's white! He's worked all through the night! Santa!
[Little do they know, as the room is now dark and empty, there is one present remaining. A bicycle for Gwen. Later, the family is sitting down to dinner.]
Arthur: "What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!" (laughs) Isn't this the best bit of Christmas?
Margaret Claus: lt certainly is, Arthur. The whole family together. How about a toast, Malcolm?
Santa Claus: Well, here's to me doing an even better job next year.
Margaret Claus: Next year.
Arthur: But you're already perfect, Dad.
Grandsanta: That turkey did more than him.
[His teeth fly out into the gravy and splatter some on Steve who wipes it off with an annoyed look on his face.]
Santa Claus: You wouldn't understand, Father. I've rather moved things on since your day. Eh, Steve?
Grandsanta: Forget Techno Tommy. He's texting on his calculator after another job.
Steve: It's a Handheld Operational and Homing Organizer. The HOHO 3000. I'm enacting mission closure.
Grandsanta: Aren't you the fancy nancy? Don't matter what you come up with. You may be next in line, but you'll never get to be Santa unless you knock him off.
Arthur: I've got you all a present. After all the hard work, l wanted everyone to have some Christmas fun. Ta-da!
[Arthur pulls out a board game. The board game shows a happy family playing. Arthur lowers it down to show his family... more confused than happy. Meanwhile, as Bryony sweeps up the present wrappings, she comes across the bicycle and gasps in shock. Back with the family, Steve and Santa are fighting over a Santa game piece.]
Grandsanta: I'm Santa!
Steve: No, no, I'm Santa. It's ridiculous. You just took the piece out of my hand.
Santa Claus: Well, l am actually Santa, so I think I should have it.
Steve: Yes. You're the nonexecutive figurehead.
Santa Claus: Exactly. Figurehead.
Grandsanta: lt means a fatty with a beard who fits the suit.
Arthur: The other pieces are good too. Or l can make extra Santas for everyone.
Santa Claus: Why don't you be the candle, Steve? All those bright ideas, eh?
Steve: Fine. I'm the candle, Arthur's the turkey, and you, Father, are, of course, Santa. Grandsanta, you can be this charming relic.
Grandsanta: "Relic"? "Relic"? l did the whole of Christmas in one of these, Arthur. Oh, yes. l didn't need a trillion elves in bleepy hats.
Steve: We don't fly about throwing lead-painted toys down chimneys anymore. That space sends you back to Lapland.
[Santa has several game pieces in front of him that look like presents.]
Margaret Claus: Malcolm, where did you get those?
Santa Claus: Just moving things along. Do l win?
Grandsanta: Cheats, the pair of you!
Arthur: Mum, are you okay?
Margaret Claus: (stitching up the hole in her coat) Polar bear, dear. Attacked me on the ice. Good l did that online survival course or there'd be one less for turkey.
Grandsanta: Christmas has gone right down the rodney hole. You're a postman with a spaceship.
Steve: My S-1 festivized the world at 1 860 times the speed of sound.
Grandsanta: Christmas 1941, World War ll… did the whole thing with six reindeer and a drunken elf! l was shot at, Arthur. Took 12 direct hits. Lost three reindeer.
Arthur: What happened to the elf?
Grandsanta: Fell out of the sleigh over Lake Geneva. Never saw him again.
Margaret Claus: Goodness. Now.... (Picks up a game card) "Christmas crackers. Sing 'Silent Night' backwards." 
Santa Claus: Who'd know that?
[Arthur hits the bell and sings Silent Night backwards.]
Grandsanta: l went on alone. l could still do it now, Arthur. Just give me a go!
Steve: ln a heap of sticks.
Grandsanta: "Heap of--"? Let me up and at him! I'll show you, Robby the Robot!
[The game board and pieces are scattered all over the table due to Steve and Grandsanta fighting.]
Margaret Claus: Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Santa Claus: I'll have that back.
Grandsanta: Would have won anyway.
Steve: (gets an alert on his HOHO and checks) What? (runs out of the room) 
Grandsanta: Oh, yeah. Run away now you're losing!
[Arthur runs after Steve with the Santa game piece in his hand.]
Arthur: Steve! Steve. Don't be upset. Look. You keep this. Then you can be Santa next time. That'll be you there, Steve. Next year, l bet. You'll be great.
Steve: How many times, Arthur? lt's the North Pole. Shut the doors.
[All the doors behind Arthur are wide open. Then, Steve enters Mission Control.]
Bryony: l secured the gift. Gift secured!
Steve: Just can't be. The system is foolproof.
Peter: It has to be an error, sir.
Steve: "Error"?
Bryony: l spotted the ribbon glinting in the shadows. l am actually trained in wrapping. And l said to myself, "Bryony, the wrapping looks okay. Thank goodness. But that present should not be lying in the--" 
Steve: Thank you, soldier.
Arthur: Has someone got the wrong present? That's awful. Whose is it?
Peter: No one gets the wrong present. (types on the computer) 47785… ...BXK.... "Gift undelivered"?
Arthur: They got nothing? A child's been missed!
Steve: Not necessarily.
[?]
Arthur: (gasps) A child's been missed!
Steve: Wanna wake up the North Pole?
Arthur: Good idea. A child's been missed!
Steve: Arthur!
[?]
Santa Claus: Everything all right?
Steve: There's been a glitch.
Arthur: "A glitch"? We've missed a child!
Santa Claus: Really? Dear, oh, dear. That's awful. How did you let it happen, Steven?
Steve: How did l--? l thought it was your mission.
Santa Claus: No. This is your department.
Steve: What'll we do?
Santa Claus: We must-- We must-- What must we do, Steven?
Steve: There's nothing to do. The mission was a success.
Arthur: We can't leave a child out of Christmas.
Steve: Sunrise at destination is 7:39 a.m. There's no way to get there in time. Except, of course, for the S-1 .
Santa Claus: The S-1 . Right-o.
Steve: No! The S-1 has just traveled 7 million miles. We could damage it.
Santa Claus: Oh, dear.
[?]
Steve: And risk the lives of the elves.
Santa Claus: Oh, my. No.
Bryony: I'll go, sir! Bryony Shelfley… Wrapping Division. Grade 3, sir.
Peter: Who asked you?
Bryony: l wasn't called up for field duty. l served out my mission in Gift Wrap Support. l wrapped 264,000 presents in three days, sir. lf you want that bike delivered in a perfect state of enwrapment, then I'm your elf.
Steve: No one is going. It's impossible.
Santa Claus: But this child-- 
Peter: It's a margin of error of 0.00000001514834 percent...
Steve: l mean, hello? Where's the champagne? My department has delivered the most outstanding Christmas ever. 
Santa Claus: Well done, us.
Arthur: But there's a child without a present.
Steve: Arthur, Christmas is not a time for emotion. We will get 47785BXK a present within the window of Christmas. We'll messenger the item. It'll be there in five days.
Arthur: But that'll ruin the magic. 
Steve: lf there was any way at all to make the drop tonight.... But it can't be done.
Santa Claus: Your brother knows about these things. l won't sleep easy after this, Arthur, but there it is. Can't be done.
Steve: Merry Christmas.
[?]
Bryony: Arthur! You're compromising the wrapping! That is not a toy! Well, it is, but, l mean, that's not-- Arthur!
[Arthur is in his office searching for Gwen's letter.]
Arthur: Oh, come on, come on, come on. Child 47785BXK, where are you?
[?]
Arthur: (reads the letter) "Dear Santa, my friend doesn't believe in you. For Christmas I'd like a pink Twinkle Bike. Gwen Hines. 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew, Cornwall, England."
[?]
North Pole Computer: Lights out.
[?]
Santa Claus: This figurehead thingy: I'm not just a fatty with a suit, am l?
Margaret Claus: Of course not, dear.
Santa Claus: No. I'm Santa. Children… rely on me.
Margaret Claus: Here.
Santa Claus: Thank you. It's just checks for the boys and cash for Father.
Margaret Claus: Oh, Malcolm.
Santa Claus: It's the 2 billion other gifts, dear. Christmas has become such a mad rush.
Margaret Claus: Until you retire.
Santa Claus: Retire? Sit next to Father, watching Steve on TV?
[Santa is leaning on a HOHO in bed.]
HOHO: You are sitting on a level one access HOHO. Please state your identity. State your identity.
[?]
Santa Claus: Who would l be?
Margaret Claus: You'd be my Malcolm, dear. And there's Arthur.
Santa Claus: Dear Arthur. What a puzzle.
[Margaret hands him a present to give back to her.]
Margaret Claus: This one's for me, dear.
Santa Claus: Happy Christmas, Margaret.
Margaret Claus: Oh, thank you.
Santa Claus: I'm still very much up to the job, you know. Good night, dear.
Margaret Claus: Good night, Malcolm.
[Arthur is sitting in his office worrying about Gwen.]
Arthur: It just can't be. It can't. It just can't be. It can't. It just can't be!
[Grandsanta comes in with his reindeer.]
Grandsanta: What's all this kadoodle, young man?
Arthur: Grandsanta. This little girl. She's been missed!
Grandsanta: So much for your brother's fancy-pants technology.
Arthur: Steve and Dad racked their brains but said it's impossible.
Grandsanta: ls it, now? Missed a child. Dear, oh dear, sends shivers down me shins.
Arthur: ln two hours, she's gonna wake up, tear downstairs, search under the tree, and the look on her face.... But there's nothing there. She won't understand. She'll think she's the one kid in the world that Santa doesn't care about. She'll feel so… left out. On Christmas night, he comes. Gwen can't not have a present from Santa.
Grandsanta: Do you know, Arthur, there is a way.
Arthur: It's impossible.
Grandsanta: They used to say it was impossible to teach women to read. Follow me.
[They go to the sleigh barn through the old workshop, where they find an old sleigh.]
Arthur: It’s the actual sleigh.
Grandsanta: Hello, Evie.
Arthur: l thought it was scrapped years ago.
Grandsanta: So did everyone else.
Arthur: Can l--? lcelandic birch. Arctic balsa. Built in 1845. Able to reach 50,000 miles per hour at a height of 40,000 feet.
Grandsanta: (offscreen) Over here, you string of tinsel.
[?]
Arthur: Got it. "Potash of carboniloroxy amilocitrate." (gasps) Magic dust.
Grandsanta: Mined from the aurora borealis.
Arthur: But she doesn't still go?
[Grandsanta opens the reindeer pen to show young reindeer.]
Grandsanta: Not just a hobby, Arthur. Great-great-grandchildren of the original eight.
[?]
Grandsanta: Dasher. Dancer. Prancer. What are the others called? l could never ruddy remember. Bambi? John. You there, with the… white ear. And you. And-- Not you, you bag of fleas. Arthur?
[?]
Arthur: I'm not really good with big animals.
Grandsanta: Piffle! Don't get bit, mind. They can smell fear. Let's hitch them up.
Arthur: Oh, Grandsanta. Excuse me. You can go to Gwen! On the old sleigh, with the reindeer and the magic dust and everything! It's a miracle.
Grandsanta: You're coming too, lad.
Arthur: Me? On that? Up there? Pulled by them? No. No way.
Grandsanta: I'm 136. l can't do it on me own, l need an elf.
Arthur: l can't fly a sleigh. l can't even ride a bike without stabilizers. l know, let's wake Steve. He'll-- 
Grandsanta: No. He's a worrier, Arthur. What if he stops us? Gwen's forgotten.
Arthur: You really care.
Grandsanta: Well, of course l do. l was Santa too. Think of your dad lying awake, chewing his beard off with worry over this girl. Don't you want to help for once? Make him proud?
Arthur: l can't. l just-- l can't. No, l can't.
[?]
Grandsanta: Ready?!
Arthur: No! You promise not to go too fast? Or high. Or bumpy. l get travel sick. l'm allergic to snow.
Grandsanta: Ye baubles. And you a son of Santa?
[?]
Arthur: Wait! My slippers! They're not for outdoor use!
[?]
Grandsanta: Dash! Dash! Dash!
[?]
Grandsanta: (laughs) See? Who's Santa now? Ho ho ho!
[?]
Arthur: Put me down!
Grandsanta: What's the matter, boy?
Arthur: I'm having a heart attack.
Grandsanta: They've never flown before. Just gotta break them in. (He whistles, and the reindeer form a straight line) Now....
[?]
Grandsanta: Come away! Dash away!
[?]
Grandsanta: Look, Arthur. All those stars. We're one of them now. A shooting star!
[?]
Grandsanta: Stuck that there for your dad when he was a boy.
Arthur: Dad? What, he sat here?
Grandsanta: So did l. Every young heir to the Pole gets took out by his father. Right back to Saint Nick. We Clauses used to be the only men in the world who could fly, Arthur, and see all this. It was a gift, a great big ball wrapped in oceans and mountains. l remember the look on your father's face when he saw it.
[Arthur spots narwhals in the ocean.]
Arthur: Fish! With horns!
[?]
Grandsanta: Want to help me make a snowman?
Arthur: No! Not ye--!
[?]
Arthur: Oh, where's the seat belt?
[?]
Arthur: Could Dad do that? Did he make a snowman for Steve?
Grandsanta: Robot Roy? Ha! l should cocoa. The next Santa, and he's never even sat in a sleigh. Oi!
[Grandsanta pulls out the map.]
Arthur: ls that...?
Grandsanta: The map of the Clauses. Used every Christmas night in history. Whatever your brother says, Arthur, it's the same old world.
[?]
Arthur: What is it?!
Grandsanta: No idea. I've never… seen it before.
Arthur: lt's a city!
Grandsanta: A new one? Ruddy cheek. They're always putting these things up. l remember the first time I ran into Chicago.
Arthur: Chicago wasn't on the map?
[?]
Grandsanta: Now, where are we? Here we are, see? Oh, no, that's Peking.
Arthur: Ahead, there's a--!
[The sleigh is flying across Toronto, it traverses across a curved building and people inside see it.]
Arthur: They can see us!
Grandsanta: Well, pull the camouflage lever! Now, we better draw in a few of these sky scratchers... 
[Arthur pulls the wrong lever and the sleigh transforms into something that looks like a steam locomotive.]
Grandsanta: Not that one, that's a steam train, ya ninny!
Arthur: Do this one.
[?]
Grandsanta: So, what do they call this place? (reads a sign) "Toronto." 
Arthur: Toronto's in Canada.
Grandsanta: The Santas always come through Canada. Nobody lives here. It's nice and quiet.
[?]
Grandsanta: Till your brother came with his "You can't cut through Saigon, there's a war" rubbish. Don't need him to tell me what's ahead. l got eyes.
Arthur: Grandsanta!
[Bryony appears from a compartment on the front of the sleigh.]
Grandsanta: Ye baubles, an elf.
Bryony: Bryony Shelfley. There's a small trauma to your gift wrap, but l can fix it.
Grandsanta: A stowaway!
Bryony: l can wrap anything, sir, with three bits of sticky tape. Three!
Grandsanta: Good. Wrap yourself a parachute.
[He throws Bryony off the sleigh.]
Arthur: Grandsanta!
[?]
Grandsanta: Toronto. Present and correct.
Bryony: Not quite, sir. You've lost one of the reindeer.
[They notice one of the reindeer is missing. Back in Toronto, the lone reindeer appears from the deflated Santa float. Back in the North Pole, Steve is sleeping in his bed when he gets a phone call on his HOHO, waking him up.]
Steve: Hello? What elf?
Peter: Bryony Shelfley, sir! The crazy wrapping elf, you know? Security tracked her to Sector 19. And we think Arthur was here.
Steve: Arthur?
Peter: Who else leaves the door open, huh, sir?
Steve: The old sleigh barn? That was sealed up decades ago. After that terrible night, Grandsanta sneaked out and... Thank goodness he is too old these days to get into trouble.
[At the tractor dealership in Idaho, Arthur is trying to remove a golden reindeer from the "Leaping Deer Auto's sign.]
Grandsanta: Bash it with a brick, Arthur! Go on!
Arthur: (struggling to remove the reindeer on top of the roof) It just won't...
Grandsanta: Grab its antlers and tug!
Bryony: I may just be a wrapping operative, sir, but this contravenes (her HOHO says "17") specific mission regulations.
Grandsanta: I'm in charge here, not Billy the Bureaucratic!
Arthur: (almost removing the reindeer) It's stuck!
Grandsanta: Shh...! (hears Bryony's HOHO say "18", then turns to Bryony) Elf, wrap your head!
Bryony: Sir! (wraps her head)
Grandsanta: (to Arthur) Come on, Lad. You're as much use as a cheese chopstick!
Arthur: Got it! Oh, no! (gasps)
Grandsanta: Oh my big Aunt Betty. It will have to do! Pass it down! (turns to Bryony) What?
Bryony: (whimpering) Permission to breathe, sir?! I have about 9 seconds left before I black out!
Grandsanta: 1 breath.
Bryony: (seeing the lights in the tractor dealership owner's house switch on) Sir!
Grandsanta: (to Bryony) I said 1! (to Arthur) Hurry up, Arthur!
Arthur: But don't we need a whole one? You know, to balance the sleigh?
Grandsanta: Oh, it won't balance the sleigh! If anything, it will only slow us down.
Arthur: So why are we taking it?
Grandsanta: It's for Gwen! 8 beautiful reindeer! That is what she is dreaming of - the jingly bells, the sleigh on the roof...
Arthur: Yeah, but...
Grandsanta: That's what the kids want, not some spaceship. We're giving her the star treatment! (to Bryony) What now?
Bryony: (whimpers through the wrapping and opens it) We have a waker, sir, with a gun!
[The gun fires and the ladder falls.]
Grandsanta: That's it, lad! You distract him!
Arthur: Grandsanta!
Tractor Dealership Owner: Who's there?
Arthur: (dressed up as an alien speaking to the owner of the tractor dealership in Idaho) We come in peace! Our craft has to travel around the world in less than an hour! We need a sign of our sle--, craft! Sorry I can't pay you. Where I come from, we don't have money!
[?]
Grandsanta: Christmas 1923. Had a heart attack at the reins. Left ventricle popped out me mouth. Pushed it back down and carried on! (he and Arthur chuckle)
Arthur: lt's big, isn't it, the Atlantic? Think we should stop and ask someone?
Grandsanta: Pishywibble, we're nearly there! See, l take the North Star there… as a fixed point. Then l plot my bearings from....
Bryony: That's a plane, sir.
Grandsanta: Insubordination. I'll have you harpooned, elf.
Arthur: l thought it would be chillier near England.
Grandsanta: Globular warming. Land ahoy! There it is. Told you!
[?]
Grandsanta: There you are. Down.
Arthur: Watch that rock!
Grandsanta: There you go.
[?]
Arthur: Wow. England.
Grandsanta: Maybe we pulled to the right a bit. We're a reindeer short. France. (speaks in French)
[?]
Arthur: (hears elephants trumpeting) They have elephants in France?
Grandsanta: The odd stray. They breed in the drains. This way. (speaks in Spanish)
[?]
Grandsanta: Paris Zoo.
[?]
Bryony: Then this is where they keep the lions!
[?]
Grandsanta: They won't eat me. I'm Santa! Lie down! Oh, right. Call the keeper!
[?]
Arthur: How old is this? "Atlantis"? "Here be cannibals"?
Grandsanta: Watch out for cannibals.
Arthur: This isn't France, is it?
Bryony: Technically, it's known as Africa. Serengeti National Park, Tanzania.
Grandsanta: Rubbish! How can you possibly be sure?
Bryony: The GPS on my HOHO.
Grandsanta: Take her! Take the elf!
Arthur: GPS? Why didn't you say?
Bryony: I'm a wrapping elf. l don't navigate, l wrap. l use it to store pictures of bows.
Arthur: She's right. You brought us to Africa! I've seen it on a stamp.
Grandsanta: I'm too young to die, Arthur. Do something. Arthur!
[?]
Steve: (watches the footage) The old sleigh? What is happening here?! It was supposed to be chopped up for firewood decades ago. How on earth did that devious...?
Peter: (interrupts Steve) Old people, sir. Shall I get you your stress ball?
Steve: We have a finer comms array than the Pentagon, and you're saying we can't contact them unless by some crazy, ancient... (interrupted once again)
Ernie Clicker: (offscreen) Toodle-ooh! Here comes the cavalry!
Peter: Ernie Clicker, sir.
[An elf, older than dirt, arrives with the communication device to contact Grandsanta, Arthur, and Bryony.]
Ernie Clicker: Head of Polar Communications for 46 missions. Oh crikey-blikey! Me and your granddad saw some times. I remember once...
Steve: (interrupts Ernie and puts him in the chair) Wow, must catch up soon. Now.
Ernie: Oh, you're in a hurry. I can tell.
[Ernie blows the dust off the Signalator, Peter plugs the cord in.]
Steve: Oh, this is ridiculous. Could we hurry this?
Ernie Clicker: Oh, you can't rush the Signalator. Gotta play her gentle. (unhurriedly tries to communicate with Grandsanta and Arthur) So, what do you wish to say? I wouldn't worry. It's not like they're surrounded by man-eating lions.
[Cut to Arthur, Grandsanta and Bryony surrounded by 7 man-eating lions.]
Arthur: (desperately serenading man-eating lions) Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is right! I realize this is mental, but it's all that I know! It's Christmas, nice kitties, so please let us go! 
[It starts working.]
Bryony and Grandsanta: (shrug and join Arthur) Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace!
[The lions fall asleep and the 3 escape, but a bang from the sleigh wakes the lions again.]
Grandsanta: Dash!
[?]
Ernie Clicker: Something's coming through.
Steve: What does it say?
[Ernie speaks gibberish.]
Grandsanta: Get off! No! That's me Evie, you mangy moron!
[?]
Arthur: No! That's Gwen's gift!
[?]
Bryony: Only children get to tear the wrapping.
Arthur: Bryony?
[?]
Bryony: Automatic tape guns!
[?]
Grandsanta: Down, doggy! Bad doggy!
[?]
Bryony: Laser-guided scissors!
[?]
Grandsanta: Oh, no, no!
[?]
Bryony: Standard-issue gift-wrap!
Arthur: No time for a bow!
Bryony: There's always time for a bow!
[?]
Grandsanta: I can't look.
[?]
Arthur: Not that knob! Good night!
[?]
Bryony: Oh no!
[?]
Arthur: Something else!
[?]
Grandsanta: No, leave it! Don't-- 
[?]
Grandsanta: My camera!
[?]
Arthur: Wait! Look!
[?]
Grandsanta: Oi!
[?]
Grandsanta: What's so funny? Look what they've done to my Evie. And the map.
Arthur: But it's okay. We've got this. Look! (inputs the address into the HOHO) Mimosa Avenue, Trelew.
GPS: Proceed to the highlighted route.
Grandsanta: What's the point? Look at us. And my camera, totally banjaxed. How do l get my picture now?
Arthur: What picture?
Grandsanta: The sleigh on the roof, the eight beautiful reindeer, and Santa-- Me! --going down the "chimbley." That's what I wanted them to see. They missed the kid, but l got there. My way. 
Arthur: That's why you came. Not for Gwen.
[?]
GPS: 1368 miles, then slight left.
[?]
Grandsanta: For the love of Lulu… bossed about by Tinpot Tom. Dash!
[?]
Steve: Try them again. Keep trying. All this for one child. ln 600 million.
Ernie Clicker: We should turn her off a mo.
Peter: Don't worry, sir. Children are stupid. Either it won't know it got missed or it'll think it's been bad. It's a win-win.
Ernie Clicker: You missed one? A nipper? Cor! What's all this here for if you miss one?
Steve: Could you please type faster?
Ernie Clicker: All right.
[?]
North Pole Computer: Systems critical. Lead in Christmas.
[?]
Ernie Clicker: (in the dark) Oops-a-daisy.
Steve: (in the dark) Peter, let go of my hand, please.
Peter: (in the dark) Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
[?]
Steve: And get me lT.
[?]
GPS: Descend 1000 feet. You are at your destination.
Arthur: Yes! We did it, we did it! We did it!
[?]
GPS: In 100 yards, turn left. Straight ahead, left, right. You are at your client's dwelling.
[?]
Arthur: Hey, steady!
[?]
Arthur: We made it. l survived! I'll walk home, I'll get a boat, but l am never getting back… in that crazy flying death trap ever again!
Grandsanta: Go on. Get it over. l want my bed.
Arthur: What, you're not coming? You have to deliver the present. You've got your special coat on.
Bryony: You're our Santa.
Grandsanta: l said me and Evie could get here, and we did. The rest is just elf work. Go on, Festive Freddie, sling your hook.
Arthur: It doesn't matter how we got here. The sleigh on the roof, the jingle bells, the eight reindeer. Gwen would never have seen that.
[?]
Arthur: l wish Dad could see this. lt would take such a load off his mind.
Bryony: So, what are your orders? You're a Claus. You give the orders.
Arthur: Do l? I’m just happy being an elf, really. You know, just part of it all.
Bryony: You want to order me to go through the cat flap?
Arthur: Yes, that's a great idea.
[?]
Bryony: Do you want to tell me to let you in?
[?]
Arthur: Brilliant. Thank you, Bryony.
[?]
Bryony: And do you want to--? Quick!
Arthur: The alarm? Definitely, yes.
[?]
Bryony: ls this your first time?
[?]
Arthur: But...
[?]
Arthur: Sorry.
Bryony: (tries to get the chihuahua off him) He likes these slippers even more than you do!
[?]
Arthur: Happy Christmas.
[The chihuahua plays with the slipper. Arthur and Byrony run as helicopter searchlights look for them.]
Bryony: When you put the address in the HOHO, what did you see?
Arthur: (realizing they are in Mexico after seeing a poster saying "El Burrito de México" and seeing everything written in Spanish) A list of Trelews. I just clicked on the first one!
Bryony: Which was not Trelew, England! We're in the wrong Trelew!
[It is 6:39 A.M. in Trelew, Mexico. Distance to Trelew, England: 4876 miles. Helicopters and police cars roam around. The two make it to the alley.]
Arthur: What's going on?!
Grandsanta: They've been watching us. They've seen Evie. It's just like last time.
[They see a news report playing on the TV.]
CNN Reporter: (on TV) Governments tonight are waking to news of a UFO traveling the globe at incredible speed.
Bryony: That’s us!
CNN Reporter: (on TV) The clearest sighting was at this tractor dealership in Idaho.
Tractor Dealership Owner: (on TV) Had eyeballs on its feet and a pointy little head. lt asked me for a sign.
Bryony: We're on the news.
CNN Reporter: (on TV) From the trail in Toronto, these beings do not appear friendly.
[?]
North Pole Computer: Rebooting.
Peter: We are online, sir.
[?]
: This is Charlotte. Mexican police found a furry thing trying to mate with a dog.
: l have calls reporting a steam train flying around.
: Steam train? Been on the eggnog?
: lt's gone black over Mexico. This thing's going faster than anything we know of.
[?]
Steve: No.
[?]
: The herd is now in Mozambique's airspace, threatening the fragile peace between the two nations.
[?]
Steve: Two billion items delivered, and we didn't leave a footprint in the snow. And now-- 
Doug: Sir? We have lost 80 percent of our data.
Steve: No, no. We have 18 pulse data reservoirs of a trillion terabytes!
Doug: Sorry, autosave was off.
Peter: Shall l slap him, sir? Quite hard?
Deborah: Sir, there's a polar bear on Level 6.
: Sir? Why is Arthur out there?
Ernie Clicker: He missed one. A nipper. l mean, 47785BXK.
[?]
Doug: Sir, we've got something. Bryony Shelfley, it's her HOHO.
[?]
Arthur: We can still get there. We just have to go faster, higher!
Bryony: You've changed your tune.
[?]
Grandsanta: I'm not going anywhere. I'm not here!
Arthur: I've taped myself in! Grandsanta!
Grandsanta: (hiding) Leave me alone! It's like that terrible night all over again!
Arthur: What night?
Grandsanta: The last time I took EVIE out for a spin! I didn't know it was the Cuban Missile Crisis! I nearly started World War 3!
[?]
Bryony: Hold still. Someone has to drive.
[?]
Arthur: Oh, no! Fencer! Mincer! Come back!
[?]
Arthur: Bryony!
[?]
Arthur: Grandsanta, get here!
Grandsanta: Oi! That's me new hip.
Arthur: Please, I'll read you Gwen's letter.
Grandsanta: Stone-deaf. I'm 136.
[?]
Grandsanta: What's that?
Bryony: lt's Steve.
Arthur: Steve!
Grandsanta: (referring to Steve) Tell him I'm not here!
Bryony: Grandsanta says he's not here.
Steve: Hi, I'm looking for a missing relic.
Grandsanta: Steve, 3 words.
Steve: Is the first one "help"?
Arthur: Yes. You can help us, Steve!
Grandsanta: It was him! Frosty the Madman, he forced me to come! [to Bryony] Elf, back me up if you want a career.
Arthur: I forced you?
Grandsanta: Ya see?! Look!
Steve: What did you want, Grandsanta? Let me guess. Hmm, a picture of you in the sleigh delivering the gift to show me how it's really done?
Grandsanta: (puts away camera) No.
Steve: You know the picture they'll have tomorrow? You lead away in handcuffs! The Santa who was seen by everybody on Earth. The Santa who ruined Christmas.
Peter: (tauntingly) Ruined it!
Grandsanta: We'll fix this, Steve. We'll be back home in a wobble of a reindeer's buttocks. A-And EVIE can go back in mothballs. You can forget she ever existed.
Arthur: You can't just go home! (pulls away the reins) What about Gwen?!
Steve: Gwen? For that you threaten my whole operation?
Arthur: Steve, you said if there was any way to get there, you would. Well, this is it! Look, the old sleigh's perfect! (a piece broke off) Oh, right. Well, anyway, it goes really fast, even with bits missing, and we've got quite a few reindeer left. And if I'm sick again, I can be sick in a bag.
Bryony: I'll wrap him one!
Elf 1: We can help them, sir!
Elf 2: No one missed, sir!
Elf 3: All correct presents, present and correct, sir!
[The elves set up to deliver Gwen's present.]
Arthur: If you'd help us, Steve, we can do it.
[Steve considers helping Arthur and Grandsanta while Peter offers him a drink.]
Elf 4: Grandsanta and Arthur would be the heroes of the night, sir! 
[Peter drops the drink in shock.]
Steve: (quickly) Come home now! If we all just gave in to Christmas spirit, there'd be chaos.
Grandsanta: (pulls the reins toward him) We're on our way, Steve!
Arthur: (pulls the reins away again) NO! Santa would want us to get to Gwen. Ask him! Please!
Steve: Arthur, this is Dad we're talking about. There was a time when he cared about every last gift tag, but now he just wants to be loved and get some rest.
Arthur: No! He's-He's lying awake worrying his beard off about Gwen.
Steve presses a button on his HOHO, revealing a voicemail.
Santa: (in the voicemail) Ho-ho-ho! Off to the land of nod. Please do not disturb until December 26. Is that it, dear?
Margaret: (in the voicemail) Yes, Malcolm. Press the red... (voicemail ends)
Arthur: (after learning Santa has gone to bed without caring about Gwen) No. Santa's the most caring man in the world.
Bryony: So why are you here and not him?
Grandsanta pulls the reins really hard, causing EVIE to turn upside down, then he, Arthur, and Bryony fall onto an island and Gwen's gift falls near Arthur, who walks away in disappointment.
Grandsanta: Don't leave me, Arthur! Poor old man and his reindeer on our own at Christmas? At least have the decency to finish us off with a rock!
[Arthur stops, then walks away again. Fade to Gwen's room, the little girl sleeps while her stocking hangs by her bed, empty. Back in Cuba, Bryony tears off bits of wrapping and throws them in a small campfire. Arthur sulks in depression.]
Grandsanta: Poor Evie. Sun'll be up soon. It's Christmas!
Arthur: Christmas is for kids. You grow out of it.
Bryony: What, in the last six minutes?
Arthur: l know what you all say about me, you know. "He belongs in the South Pole." (imitates Santa) "Dear Arthur, what a puzzle." (normal) Well, you were right. All that fuss over one kid. l was being ridiculous. This is nice. It's good to get away from it all, you know. All the Christmas fuss.
[Grandsanta walks over to and sits by Arthur.]
Grandsanta: I'm sorry I messed things up, lad. You see… the night l last took Evie out when there was all that fuss your father came to me. I'll never forget it. Couldn't look me in the eye. "Dad," he says. "Steve thinks it best you don't fly again. We're scrapping the sleigh." Me own son, who used to sit where you sat, looking up at me. l just wanted them to remember who I used to be. l was a bit like you, lad. Keen as cranberry. So was your dad. You get old, that's all. Everything changes.
Arthur: Does it? How can l ever write another letter saying that Santa cares?
[?]
Arthur: Good night, Dad. Sleep well.
[?]
: Sir, we know you shouldn't believe rumors, but we do.
: Is it true you missed a child?
Santa Claus: Me? No, no, no. Well, in a way, yes. (elves gasp) lt was just one. ln fact, not even that. Naught point lots more naughts then a number and some sort of percent at the end. Not really an error, just a one.
: One child doesn't matter? Which one?
Santa Claus: Well, l.... It's not that-- 
Seb: l did nine ones in Greece. Did those matter?
Fergus: What about my ones in Germany? One of them was twins!
: They don't matter half each.
Santa Claus: Why don't you ask Steve? He can explain. Fiendishly clever.
: But aren't you in charge, sir?
Santa Claus: Of course. I'm Santa.
Thomas: Sir… if the one that got missed doesn't matter… why have Arthur and Grandsanta gone to take it?
Santa Claus: What?
Margaret Claus: Malcolm, what's this about Arthur?
[?]
Elf: He's crazy.
Deborah: Is there a list of children who don't matter?
: Santa said they don't matter 100%.
: Is it true children aren't real, they're just antimatter?
Steve: Do not-- Look. Look! l festivized every single country in the world. You see? This one, this one, this one. All of them. l mean, who cares about one single tiny child? (elves gasp) l do.
[?]
Santa Claus: Arthur. My poor boy. Why on earth would he--? (to Steve) You're his brother, Steve. How could you let him? And about this child you missed… I'm really not sure you made the right decision. ls that bird doo on your shoulder?
Steve: Right. Over there is Satellite Tracking, Navigation, Data Analysis. Coffee machine's by the door. Good night, Santa.
[?]
Santa Claus: I'll be right back.
[?]
Arthur: (voiceover) Dear Xiao-Ling, thanks for your letter and drawing of Santa tripping over your dog. It was hilarious.
[?]
Arthur: (voiceover) Dear Alessandro, I'm sorry your family's had a hard year, but Santa is real.
[?]
Arthur: (voiceover) Dear Lars, l promise Santa will come. He's the greatest man ever.
[?]
Bryony: Can I burn this?
Arthur: Sure. (sighs) There’s millions like it.
[?]
Arthur: This picture. This drawing! It isn't of Dad or you or Steve. This is Santa! (laughs) And as long as we get the bike to Gwen before she wakes up, then Santa came! And he cares! (laughs)
[?]
Arthur: Excuse! (grabs the bike and sings as he runs) Jingle bells, jingle bells, Jingle all the way! Oh, what fun it is to reach Gwen Hines on Christmas Day! Wa-hey! 
[?]
Arthur: (sings) Jingle Bells, this boat smells, three thousand miles to go… 
Grandsanta: Oh, dear. I've seen this before. Sleigh fever, they call it. Pressure of Christmas sends a man doolally-tap. Santa Claus XVl got it, 1802. Every child that year got a sausage nailed to a piece of bark.
Bryony: Arthur, do you really think you can row the Atlantic Ocean in the next 37 minutes?
Arthur: It's not too late yet. l just have to keep going.
Grandsanta: We need a blunt instrument. Knock him out and regroup.
GPS: Make a legal U-turn, then slight right in 4228 miles.
Bryony: You do know we're going round in circles?
Grandsanta: You know, we're not the only ones. Maybe I will see Evie again.
Arthur: What do you mean?
Grandsanta: Reindeer are brave, powerful beasts, but they're also dappled cretins with twigs on their heads. They'll just keep going in a straight line right round the world. They'll be way up in the sky, flying at unimaginable speed, but they'll pass right over our heads.
Arthur: Great! We can get the sleigh back!
[?]
: Chief De Silva.
Chief De Silva: Where is this UFO?
: It's circling the Earth, ma'am. Nineteen minutes ago, it went into orbit.
[?]
Grandsanta: You? Up there? Catch that with this?
Arthur: Magic dust.
[?]
Bryony: You crack it over your head. You'll have to focus. The sleigh'll be coming at you at 45,000 miles an hour.
Arthur: 45,000--?
Grandsanta: You'll be torn in half!
Bryony: Depends on the angle the sleigh hits. You might just get beheaded.
Arthur: I've got a phobia of being beheaded, and heights and speed and reindeer and buttons.
Bryony: Buttons?
Arthur: Yeah, I'm pretty much scared of everything. Gwen thinks you're coming. You can't do this. Yes, you can! No, you can't. Yes, you can! Come on, Arthur!
[?]
Grandsanta: Don't worry. Only a raving lunatic-- 
Arthur: l have to worry! It's the only thing I'm good at! Worry me.
Bryony: The sleigh'll be back any minute.
Arthur: Come on. Worry me, quickly!
Grandsanta: Imagine Gwen, all alone nothing under the tree.
Arthur: Here we go.
[Arthur is now high in the air holding onto the anchor and ribbon.]
Arthur: No! Don't like this! Stop! Stop! Get me down!
Grandsanta: The tears as she finds she's been left out.
Bryony: Screaming, "Santa didn't come!" 
Arthur: Oh, Gwen. No! It's just too high!
Bryony: (overdramatically talking about Gwen while trying to "worry" Arthur) Gwen in the street surrounded by kids on new bikes, pointing: "That's the girl that Santa hates!" She runs away, alcoholic by the age of 9, dead before she's even...! 
Grandsanta: (quickly covers her mouth) She may never build a snowman again!
Arthur: What if there are buttons on the sleigh l don't know about?!
Bryony: Here it is!
[Arthur hooks the anchor to the sleigh, gets pulled along, carefully swings to the sleigh, rights it and changes course. Grandsanta whistles Good King Wenceslas.]
Bryony: How do you think he's...?
Grandsanta: Fine, fine. Probably just....
[?]
Bryony: So how come they didn't scrap the sleigh, sir?
Grandsanta: l threatened the elves. Said I'd feed them to the polar bears.
[Grandsanta and Bryony are left in an awkward silence while Arthur tries a dangerous stunt to get the sleigh back.]
Grandsanta: Elf, how do you fancy being the one to tell his parents about all this? 
[Bryony looks horrified at the thought. Arthur pulls the brake lever and the sleigh, now right-side up, falls onto the boat with Bryony, Grandsanta and his reindeer.]
Bryony: Yay! Arthur! You did it!
Arthur: l did it with worry!
Bryony: Oh, l was sure you'd die. It was great!
[?]
GPS: Proceed to the highlighted route. Proceed to the highlighted....
[?]
Grandsanta: Just keep worrying about Gwen. I'll find a way there, boy. Whatever it takes. To Trelew!
[?]
Santa Claus: Margaret. Hand me my Me suit. All sorted. Steve's… holding the fort… while l deliver the present, yes… and find Arthur and Father.
Margaret Claus: Well done, dear. Trelew's on a course of 1 87.7 degrees from the geographic pole, but as it's the old sleigh, allow a drift margin of 1 000 miles either side of the meridian. Got a sweater for Arthur, your father's pills, and some nice, sweet tea.
[?]
North Pole Computer: Curtains.
[?]
North Pole Computer: S-1 dented.
[?]
Peter: Sir. Sir!
North Pole Computer: Big scratch down side.
[?]
Steve: (reads note) "Popped out to take present. Turkey sandwich in fridge. Mum and Dad." 
North Pole Computer: Espresso machine broken. 
[Steve crawls under the shutters just in time to see the S-1 prepare to leave.]
Steve: That idiot, Arthur. He's sent everyone crazy. He'll destroy Christmas.
Pete: And you'll never get to be Santa. (Steve runs off) Steven!
[In the S-1, Santa inputs the address.]
Santa Claus: 23 Mimosa Avenue, Trelew.
[?]
Margaret Claus: Malcolm, there's no harm in using a manual. Men.
Santa Claus: Margaret, l order you to disembark. It's not safe.
[Mrs. Santa corrects the position as the oxygen masks come down due to Santa trying to start the S-1.]
Margaret Claus: Piffle. l did a microlight flying course on the Internet. It can't be that different.
[Steve enters the S-1.]
Santa Claus: Steve.
Steve: (annoyed) You've dented it! You take it out without asking?
Margaret Claus: Malcolm, you told me he knew. You know how Steve feels about his S-1 .
Santa Claus: It's my S-1. S for "Santa." I'm flying to this child.
Steve: Of course she's all that matters. Not me, your son. Not the 2 billion things I did right tonight. No!
Santa Claus: This is about that pool table, isn't it? l told you, you should've written to me.
Steve: l was 8. You're my dad!
Margaret Claus: For goodness sake! Arthur and Grandsanta are out there… probably not wearing nearly enough layers… and you two are bickering over a big red toy?!
Santa Claus: I'm not bickering. If Steven could just stand back–
[Airbag inflates.]
North Pole Computer: Air bag.
[Airbag deflates.]
Santa Claus: You drive, Steven.
Steve: (readies the S-1 for takeoff) Thank you. So since gift delivery to child 47785BXK is all that seems… to matter… I'll do it myself. Then we'll pick up Arthur and Grandsanta from whatever ditch they ended up in.
North Pole Computer: Maximum thrust.
[?]
: Um, when Santa said he'd be right back, what do you think he--?
: He's not coming back!
: The Santas are leaving!
: Children don't matter?
: Christmas doesn't matter!
: Nothing matters!
[The elves panic at the thought of the Santas abandoning them.]
Old Elf: It's like 1816!
[The elves gasp and run around in horror.]
Elf: Abandon the North Pole!
Deborah: Everybody, panic!
[One elf activates a switch labeled In Case of Being Like 1816.]
Computer: Are you sure you want to delete Christmas?
[The elf hits "yes" and a ten-minute countdown starts to meltdown.]
: Head south!
: lt's all south from here, you fool!
[?]
Grandsanta: l know where we can find a map, lad! A bit… risky, this.
[?]
Grandsanta: Breaking the rules, even in the old days.
[?]
Grandsanta: There! Biggest map in the world!
[?]
Grandsanta: Dash!
[?]
Chief De Silva: Friends, on this night of peace, we stand confronted by an unknown danger. Aliens. Aliens from space.
Man 1: Blast them from the skies!
Woman 1: Let us do an autopsy.
General Olivier Adam: But maybe the aliens come in peace?
Kris Pearn: They burst an inflatable Santa Claus in Toronto. On Christmas night!
Woman 2: What a terrible thing.
Chief De Silva: Let us attempt contact but be ready to save our planet.
[?]
Grandsanta: Hold tight, lad. This is where it gets really rough.
[?]
Grandsanta: Not now, you sack of antlers.
[?]
: Alert level six.
: It's coming down through the atmosphere, ma’am. We'll see it any minute.
: 46, 45, 44, 43....
[?]
Bryony: They'll be waiting for us, sir. We were on the news.
Grandsanta: All their technology against my Evie.
Arthur: Oh, come on. Let's do it with worry!
Grandsanta: Santa mustn't be seen, eh, lad? Let's give them something to shoot at.
[?]
: We have visual.
: Here it comes.
[?]
Grandsanta: Take us to your leader. (laughs) 
Arthur: England!
Grandsanta: No sign of anyone.
Arthur: The sun's coming up!
Grandsanta: Come on, lad! You can do it! Move your hooves!
[?]
: Mankind greets you. Do you copy? Season's greetings from mankind. Good morning, do you copy?
: The hull is some kind of woody substance, ma'am. Like wood.
: Coated in lead paint.
: The engine seems to be alive.
: And furry.
[?]
Grandsanta: Come on, lad! Put your back into it!
[?]
: l have something. It's very faint but-- 
: Scramble drone.
[?]
Arthur: That's it, there! We made it!
[?]
Grandsanta: Not quite. Dash!
[?]
Grandsanta: It's right up me steam pipe!
Bryony: lt's tracking something electronic!
Grandsanta: We haven't got any "electrickery." Just wood and brass and-- 
[?]
Grandsanta: Oh, dear.
Grandsanta and Bryony: (in unison) Your slipper!
[?]
: We have lock.
[?]
Grandsanta: We've got to get you down there, lad!
Arthur: They'll see us! We'll be stopped!
Grandsanta: (takes the slipper) Give me that!
Arthur: What are you doing?
Grandsanta: It's EVIE they're after. She doesn't fit this world, Arthur. She's a relic.
Arthur: (surprised) EVIE?!
Grandsanta: I always knew she'd be needed one more time. You go on! We'll let them have her.
Bryony: You're coming too?
Grandsanta: You were right, Arthur. It doesn't matter how Santa's gift gets there. (referring to Steve and the S-1) Doesn't even matter if it's Mr. Postman in his spaceship.
Arthur: (smiles with confidence) As long as it gets there.
Grandsanta: You made it happen, lad. No one got left out. (Arthur hugs him, laughing) Get off! Now, do as I say.
[?]
: They're firing on us!
: A death ray!
: Made of chocolate… and oranges.
: Unidentified varnished object, turn back or we shoot.
[?]
Grandsanta: Go!
[?]
: Turn back.
[?]
Arthur: (parachuting away, to Grandsanta) Happy Christmas!
Grandsanta: In Santa we believe! (to Bryony) Go on, elf, you too!
Bryony: (kisses Grandsanta in the cheek, as if to say "Thank you", then jumps off) Hi-yah!
Chief De Silva: (amplified through drone) Fire missiles. 
[The drone prepares to launch its missiles.]
Grandsanta: (prepares to abandon EVIE, to his old reindeer) This is it, old fella! Maybe the next Santa never sat in my EVIE, but Arthur did, and he's as good a man as any Santa there's ever been! (releases the reindeer and stands on the top of EVIE as missiles head towards it, saluting) Goodbye, EVIE.
[He jumps off at the last second as the missiles destroy the sleigh.]
Chief De Silva: Good work everyone. You just saved Christmas!
[Back in the S-1…]
Steve: Trelew.
[?]
Santa Claus: Out with the old, in with the new.
Margaret Claus: Well done, dear.
[?]
Santa Claus: Poor Arthur. He tried so hard. He's flunked again.
Margaret Claus: Of course… he hasn't, dear. We're here. The little girl will get her present. l think he's done rather splendidly.
Santa Claus: My Margaret.
[Meanwhile, Steve rings the doorbell and the door opens.]
Steve: Good morning, Gwen. Ho, ho, et cetera. Apologies for the minor delay. I'm sure that even a child can understand that in an operation as complex as Christmas… there's always an insignificant margin of error… which is you. As a gesture, I've upgraded you to the Glamorfast Ultra X-3, which retails at 9.99 more than your requested gift. Bigger ergo better. lf you wouldn't mind just signing a legal waiver?
[Unfortunately, the kid he’s talking to is a Spanish boy.]
Pedro: No entiendo, señor. Soy Pedro.
Steve: Pedro? A boy? A Spanish boy? This is an error. No hablo espanol.
[He tries to take the bike back, but the crying boy refuses to let go.]
Steve: Now get off the bike. Will you get--? No, no, no. Please don't cry. No cry-o. No "sob-idad."
[Back with Arthur, he and Bryony are almost at the real Trelew in England.]
Bryony: It's over a mile. We've got no sleigh, no reindeer, and you can't even walk.
[Arthur gets an idea. He unwraps the bicycle.]
Bryony: What are you doing?
Arthur: l can cycle! 
[He gets on the bike and rides off into Trelew. Bryony follows after him.]
Bryony: Oi! Come back! What about the wrapping?!
[?]
Arthur: The church. She lives by the church! Happy Christmas, cows!
[Meanwhile, the elves run around panicking as the North Pole melts down.]
North Pole Computer: Meltdown. Ten seconds to figgy Flensburg. Snowman. German, leave out the carrot. ls Santa on shoe?
[The giant Santa ice sculpture crashes down behind Ernie Clicker.]
Ernie Clicker: What the…? (turns around and spots Arthur cycling through Trelew on Gwen's bike) Look, everyone! It's Arthur! He's delivering the present!
Elf: lt's Arthur.
Elf 2: Hooray for Arthur!
North Pole Computer: Meltdown paused. 
[?]
Bryony: Come back!
[Grandsanta has landed in a garbage can. He looks up to see his reindeer, imagining him as a young reindeer.]
Grandsanta: (coughs) Oh, my head. Ye baubles, a beautiful young reindeer. So who am l, then?
[Meanwhile, Steve enters the S-1 after the Mexico accident.]
Steve: Okay, so I'm not great with children. Does that make me a bad Santa? You're hardly perfect. Let me guess - you put in the address, saw a list of Trelews and clicked on the first one? You're just like Arthur!
Santa: (stunned) Am I?
North Pole Computer: North Pole incoming.
[?]
Elf: Sir, the soldiers have shot down the sleigh!
[?]
Deborah: But, sir… it's Arthur. He's still going.
[?]
Elves: (chanting) Arthur! Arthur! Arthur!
[?]
Santa Claus: Arthur?
[?]
Bryony: No one gets an unwrapped present on my watch. Three bits of sticky tape. Three. Stand up! Finger!
[?]
Arthur: The church!
[?]
Bryony: Right foot. Left foot.
[She throws the empty cardboard roll into the paper receptacle.]
Arthur: There it is!
[?]
Bryony: One!
[?]
Bryony: Hands up!
[?]
Elves: (chanting) Arthur! Arthur! Arthur! Arthur!
[?]
Arthur: Nearly there!
Bryony: Front wheel!
[?]
Bryony: Two!
Arthur: Yes! That's it, there!
[?]
Bryony: Back wheel! Ready?
Arthur: Do it!
[?]
Bryony: Here we go! 
[?]
Bryony: Three!
[?]
Bryony: Elf down.
Arthur: Bryony?
Bryony: Go on, Arthur. Quick!
Arthur: There's always time for a bow.
[?]
Arthur: No, we can't be too late.
[?]
Steve Claus: It's so unfair.
[?]
Grandsanta: Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
[?]
Elf 1: All the Santas taking the missing present.
Elf 2: It's beautiful!
Elf 3: Hug me. Hug me. (hugs an elf)
[Arthur has tied a ribbon to a tag that says "under the tree" and placed it in her stocking on her bed which leads downstairs to the tree with the bike under it.]
Arthur: (whispers) Dad! You came! l knew you would. You wouldn't just go to bed and forget Gwen. You're Santa!
[He was about to hand it to Santa when Steve grabs it.]
Steve: (whispers) Give me that. I'm Santa! I'm delivering it!
Grandsanta: (whispers while grabbing it) Don't be silly, I'm Santa. Can't you see from me suit?
Santa Claus: (whispers) l am actually Santa, and I think it would be best-- 
Steve: (whispers) I'm Santa! You handed over!
Santa Claus: (whispers) l didn't, in fact, technically-- 
Steve: (whispers) You said I could drive!
Grandsanta: (whispers) I'm Santa, you naughty boys. Here, have a bonbon.
Steve: (whispers) You-- 
[The three men fight until Arthur shushes them all.]
Gwen: (offscreen) It's Christmas!
Arthur: Please. Gwen just has to have a present from Santa.
Santa Claus: (hands Arthur the bike) You do it, Arthur.
Gwen: (offscreen) Mummy! Daddy! Wake up!
[Arthur sets the bike down under the Christmas tree. Grandsanta drops some empty cups near it.]
Grandsanta: Ho, ho, ho.
Gwen: (offscreen) There's a ribbon! To downstairs!
[Santa and Steve carry Grandsanta away as Arthur picks up the cans.]
Santa Claus: Father, please keep it down.
Grandsanta: Merry Christmas, everyone.
[Grandsanta, Santa and Steve start to leave while Arthur turns back to watch Gwen open her gift.]
Arthur: Dad, wait! Please, let's... (gestures to the door)
Santa Claus: (joins Arthur) Oh. In all my years, I've never actually... Always so busy. (Steve comes up beside them) Too busy. I'm not good at... (pats his sons on the back, they both look at him) In my day, a pat on the back and a walnut went a long way.
Gwen: Come on! It's downstairs! (runs down the stairs) I think it's under the tree. (her parents follow, she tears the wrapping) I can see pink. 
Santa, Grandsanta, Steve and Arthur watch as Gwen opens her present.
Gwen: It's a BIKE! Santa brought me the bike I wanted! Can I have a go? Please, please, please?
[Santa looks from the beaming Arthur to Steve.]
Santa Claus: Steve, you deserve to be Santa. (Steve gasps and looks at the Santa figure Arthur earlier gave him) But Steve, I wonder...if Gwen is right. (looks at Arthur)
Gwen: (as she rides her bike) Careful, I'm gonna bump into you!
Steve: (considers for a moment then holds out the figure to Arthur) I'll be the candle, eh? 
[Arthur gasps as he realizes the implications.]
Grandsanta: (quietly) Whoppee!
Santa Claus: You're better men than... (sniffles) Both of you.
Gwen: A bike and... A squirrel?! Oh! (the squirrel runs away)
[The Clauses exit the house and Bryony picks up Steve's dropped HOHO to report in.]
Bryony: Drop complete! (the number of children without a gift changes from 1 to 0) And we have a new Santa!
[Camera pans the HOHO to show Arthur climbing out the window. Everyone cheers.]
North Pole Computer: Christmas accomplished.
Elf: Arthur!
[In S-1, Mrs. Claus is proud of Arthur.]
Margaret Claus: Oh, Arthur.
[She flips a few switches.]
North Pole Computer: Commence decking halls.
[In the North Pole...]
Peter: You know, I've always liked Arthur. Do you think he likes espresso?
[Bryony and the other Santas lift up by the rope while Arthur tries to lift up but hits a tree. He lands on the snow, giving him a beard like Santa. Bryony helps Arthur up before going back up. Gwen opens to see Arthur with the snow beard and his jacket puffing up. She sees him as Santa Claus and gasps in awe. Then, the squirrel moves past her and Arthur takes off. The little girl rides her bike happily through town while Arthur watches, smiling. The S-1 flies out of Trelew and into the horizon. One year later, we see Christmas cards of what happened to the gang. First, there's one of Steve.]
CHRISTMAS CARD 1: Steve gains a new title, EXECTUIVE COO, North Pole Operations. And a big black leather command chair with an in-built espresso machine. And is happy.
[Then, there's a card of Grandsanta.]
CHRISTMAS CARD 2: Grandsanta gains a new companion, his son Malcolm. And they spend many happy hours playing 'Christmas, The Board Game' and become world experts. And are happy.
[Next is a card of Mr. and Mrs. Claus.]
CHRISTMAS CARD 3: Mr. and Mrs. Santa take up Salsa. And shimmy the night away between silver ice and shining stars. And are happy.
[Followed by one of Bryony.]
CHRISTMAS CARD 4: Bryony is promoted to Vice President, Wrapping (Pacific Division). One day she plans to wrap the moon. She is happy.
[Then one card of the reindeer.]
CHRISTMAS CARD 4: And Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, John, Bambi, You With The White Ear, And You, And You, Follow their natural compass home to the North Pole, And take up new posts leading the team of five thousand reindeer who pull the S-1 around the world on Christmas Night. And are happy.
[Finally, we come to a card of the S-1, now named EVIE, flying through the night.]
CHRISTMAS CARD 5: At the helm... ARTHUR CHRISTMAS Who made everyone happy.
North Pole Computer: (voiceover) And may 100% of your Christmases be white!
[Roll credits.]
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