Diatribe of a Mad Housewife/Quotes

:Groundskeeper Willie: (grumbling after hearing a narration from To Kiss A Scoundrel) Yeah, whatever happens in a book, it's romantic. But when Willie tries to kiss ye, yer all pepper spray and fingernails.
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:Homer: Slow down, Picasso! You were gonna start a novel without informing me?
:Marge: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
:Homer: I also fed some ducklings.
:Marge: I know, I got your message.
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:Homer: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby!
:Marge: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
:Homer: Oh, I was so close!
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:Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons.
:Lisa: We're not paramedics!
:Homer: I'll say.
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:Tom Clancy: Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell, no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?
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:Marge: "(to herself)" Hmm, what should I write about? That painting has always sparked my imagination. That's it! A novel about whaling. That's something you haven't seen before. Thank you, "Scene from Moby-Dick."
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:Marge: (to herself) I'm finished, and it's so suggestive. Well, like they say "snuggling sells."
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:Marge: Homie, I finished my novel…
:Homer: Wooh, typed.
:Marge: It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think.
:Homer: No problem. Aw, 286 pages!
:Marge: It's double spaced.
:Homer: Woohoo! I'm half-way through!
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:Homer: How can you write such horrible things about me?
:Marge: You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me!
:Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.
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:Temperance: I must remember my wedding vows.
:Cyrus: Did you promise to be miserable? To be taken for granted by a drunken lout?
:Temperance: Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
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:Marge: Well?
:Homer: Well, what?
:Marge: Did you read it?
:Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.
:Marge: Did you like it?
:Homer: [eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes.
:Marge: Do you think I should publish it?
:Homer: You know what I say, publish or perish!
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:Lisa: I'm proud of you, Mom! But just one thing. Isn't your book a little hard on Dad?
:Marge: (laughing nervously) What do you mean? My book is set on whaling times!
:Lisa: (reading page) 'Captain Mordecai stared at the shop window full of powdered blowholes. "Mmm...Blowholes," he drooled.' Sounds like Dad to me.
:Marge: Well, I guess that part is...loosely based on your father.
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:[The windsock at Boris' Car Lot is ripped from its platform; it flies away.]
:Homer: Awww. He was my only friend.
:[Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]
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:[Homer is driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy, who is clutching his chest, in the back.]
:Homer: So, where to, my friend?
:Comic Book Guy: For the third time: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a taxi!
:Homer: The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.
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:[Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconscious man in the back.]
:Homer: [to the unconscious man] So, how much bleach did you drink? [beat] Not a talker, eh?
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:Lisa: If Dad ever reads that book he's gonna be so humiliated!
:Bart: He'll never read it.
:Lisa: What if they make it into a movie?
:Bart: He'll never see it.
:Lisa: What if they parody it on MADtv?
:Bart: We're doomed!
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:Lisa: Maybe you should let Dad read your book before you submit it to publishers.
:Marge: I suppose I'd better. Your father is a very private person.
:[Marge looks at a window, seeing a naked Homer checking the mail]
:Homer: Marge, we're out of bath towels!
:[Homer hears the ice cream truck bell]
:Homer: Ooh, ice cream truck!
:[runs to the street]
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:[Moe hears the gossip about Homer and Marge and passes it on]
:Moe: Can you believe that Homer and Marge's wedding is just a sham? Alright, I'll order. I'll have a medium pepperoni. And can you space out the meat so it spells "Happy Birthday Moe"? [cries] Oh GOD, I'm alone!
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:Marge: Well, what do you think?
:Lisa: Hmm.
:[The camera zooms into her brain]
:Lisa's Jealousy: I can't believe Mom wrote a book before we did.
:Lisa's Honesty: And it's a little trashy.
:Lisa's Conscience: Mom has expressed herself. We should nurture her.
:Lisa's Libido: Let's kiss boys! Binge and purge! ROCK 'N' ROLL!
:Lisa's Conscience: You're not getting out until we're 16.
:Lisa's Libido: [growls]
:[The camera zooms out of Lisa's brain]
es:Diatribe of a Mad Housewife/Frases