Hagrid vs. Cole vs. Puppycorn

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Amset-Ra: Stuff happened. Let's move on to the good stuff.
Sword walks into Amset-Ra's office and glances at the pharaoh's computer screen.
Sword: Is that an infobox?
Amset-Ra: Yes-
Sword: Containing the upcoming battle stats?
Amset-Ra: Why yes, it is-
Sword: Gah! Battle stats are the one thing I can't stand in the least! Here, hold still while I call the professionals.
Amset-Ra: Who ya gonna call?
Sword: NOT the Ghostbusters. Actually yes, it's a kind of ghost buster. A ghost that busts, that is.
Amset-Ra: Morro?
Sword: Ding ding ding! We have a winner!
Amset-Ra: But Morro's not a bad guy! He helped Wyldstyle get her hair back after all!
Sword: That's not why I'm calling him.
One phone call later...
Morro: I'm here, what do you want?
Sword: I want you to conquer the Fighting Pyramid while I go get some Taco Tuesday.
Morro: No way. I quit that business long ago. Nowadays I supervise the Yokai Watch Show (Totally not the anime).
Sword: Then who can I call to have revenge on Amset-Ra?
Morro: Well, there is this Shadow guy I keep hearing about...
Sword: Not the guy who can't find that fourth Chaos Emerald!
Morro: Nope. This Shadow works with some guys codenamed Bird and Tech. I hear they took the announcing, ref, and predictor spots last match.
Sword: Yeah, that was awesome. Who's announcing today?
Morro: How would I know?
Amset-Ra: Wyldstyle would announce today, as usual, but she's out getting a tan at the hands of Shadow and stuff. So I guess you're announcing, Morro.
Morro: 😁
Sword: And where does that put me?
Amset-Ra: Predictor. We can't afford any more of M-OC.
Sword: Well, anyways, I'm leaving for parts unknown!
He leaves for parts unknown.
Amset-Ra: Waitaminute! One of our fighters is from Unikitty! How can I pester him ask him nicely to come fight?
----
Meanwhile...
Unikitty: More tea, Mr. Puppycorn?
Puppycorn: Why yes, certainly, Miss Unik-
Emmet: Cut! Puppycorn, you need a little more elegance. Actually, you know what, forget this whole scene. Let's get to where you guys battle Mojo Dojo.
Unikitty: So our show is getting a Powerpuff Girls/My Little Pony feel? Nice!
Puppycorn: Uh, is that a little overkill?
Unikitty: Not at all! It's the perfect way to increase our ratings!
Emmet turns to the cameraman.
Emmet: We're not ready to shoot this scene yet! Come back after the next scene! ... I hate this job.
Well this is different.
----
Ten minutes earlier!... ish, in a super-evil bad guy cafe. You know, the one mentioned in the last battle. Anyway, wherever the bad guys are...
Shadow: Kryptarium Prison. Have you thought of a way to get there, Flame?
Flame: Of course! That's all covered.
He presses a button, and a curtain rises, revealing-
Shadow: THE BEATLES' YELLOW SUBMARINE?! IS THAT THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH?
Flame: Oh, no, no, boss. That's just a collector's item. THESE are our rides!
He presses another button, raising another curtain, revealing three LightCycles. (The ones from Tron.)
Tech: Sweet! I could get a kick out of these!
Shadow: Another time. But for now, you need to stay here and hold down the fort. Bird, Flame, and I will go to Kryptarium Prison.
Tech: Aw man, I hate guard duty!
Bird: It's only for a while, I guess...
Flame: Come on! The LightCycles won't drive themselves.
Shadow: Dibs on the lead LightCycle.
Flame: Tech, don't do anything stupid. This is my front you're tending to.
Tech: Okay, okay...
Shadow, Flame, and Bird leave for Kryptarium Prison.
----
Emmet: Okay, we're back. Uh, so Wyldstyle, uh, vanished, and kinda left me in charge of directing Unikitty!. So yeah, this isn't going too well for me.
Suddenly Puppycorn vanishes!
Emmet: Yes! Something interesting is finally happening! Maybe Amset-Ra will tell me what happened. He knows everything, after all.
He flees this pointless cutscene thing.
Morro: Welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, mortals. Before we begin, I must warn you not to drive or perform any physical activity while being possessed, possed, passed, pestered, posh, polished, or any similar state.
Dr. Kilroy: I'm as posh as they get, old bean! Does this mean I am forbidden from driving?
Morro: My, fate is ironic, isn't it? Anyway, in the corner that is red as wine and full of violence, bloodshed, and ketchup is the fat wizard and current champion Hagrid.
Hagrid: Fat is not a word used to describe me. I deserve an apology.
Morro: Sorry, Charlie. The Green Corner of nature, ecology, and the like contains... nothing?
Suddenly Puppycorn appears in the Green Corner!
Amset-Ra: Welcome to Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, Puppycorn!
Puppycorn: What's happening?!
Amset-Ra: You're about to fight a vengeful wizard and a bloodthirsty ninja. Good luck!
Hagrid: I am not vengeful!
Morro: The Yellow Corner, which is the accurate representation of Amset-Ra's suffix-
Amset-Ra: What's that supposed to mean?
Morro: It's yellow. As the sun. Ra is the Egyptian sun god. Was, rather.
Amset-Ra: Who needs the ancient sun god when I've got Overwatch sets coming in-
Sword: Your dad is gonna be pret-ty disappointed in you...
Morro: The previous battle clearly stated you were thrown into a portal by Shadow.
Sword: Annoying people always return, right?
Spyclops: You bet!
Amset-Ra: Anyway, CORONA!
Spyclops: My metal legs! They BURRRN!
Morro: Moving swiftly on, the Yellow Corner contains a fighter who has not fought since the beginning of this pyramid's history. Meet Cole!
The crowd cheers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Cole: And this time, I have the Scythe of Quakes with me, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Sensei Wu: Good boy.
Morro: Who is going to predict today?
Sword: That would be me! I say Cole will win. Martial arts beats magic any day.
Morro: And there you have it. Who is reffing today?
Amset-Ra: I know just the guy.
A max-security sarcophagus rises from the floor, and Amset-Ra opens it, revealing the Swedish Banker.
Swedish Banker: I'm too rich to die!
Amset-Ra: Five bucks. And start the fight.
Swedish Banker: Fight! For my freedom!
Amset-Ra takes the money from the Swedish Banker and closes the door as the sarcophagus sinks back into the floor.
Puppycorn: Okay, I'm officially unnerved...
Amset-Ra: You heard the rich guy! Fight!
Puppycorn: Wait! Can't we guys just be friends?
Hagrid and Cole: NO!
Puppycorn: If you insist... How about a game of Ramses' Pyramid?
Hagrid: I prefer Magikus, but... wait, this is a fighting arena! We're supposed to FIGHT!
Puppycorn: Well, in that case... You, Hagrid, can't use magic, and you, Cole, can't use Spinjitzu. Also, the referee Swedish Banker isn't here so he can't do anything about it!
Amset-Ra: But I'm here and I say... That's a pretty good idea. Right! No magic, no Spinjitzu, just classic beat-em-up boxing!
Hippie: Please! No boxing! I'm a unreasonably extreme pacifist!
Amset-Ra: CORONA!
Sword: Personally, I prefer BudLight...
Cole: Alcohol? In a battle arena? Made for total wimps like-
Puppycorn: I'm not a wimp!
Cole: Prove it.
Amset-Ra: Yeah, Puppycorn. *cringes because he's saying an incredibly girly name* That's what ARFP is all about, isn't it?
Puppycorn: That's right. Construct!
Hagrid: The-Harry-Potter-word-for-construct-and-it's-totally-not-magic!
Cole: Where's my katana...
Sensei Wu: Don't tell me you misplaced your weapons again.
Cole: Guilty as charged.
Morro: The fighters are finally making their moves. Remind me to bring a game of LEGO Worlds in case future matches are as boring as this one, if not more so.
CLICKCLICKCLICKCLIckclickclickclickclickclickclickc-
Amset-Ra: We're gonna need a new stock sound effect reel!
An00bis Guard: Roger!
Amset-Ra: Cut it out, Terabyte.
Terabyte: Can't I have a little fun?
Amset-Ra: Nope. No fun allowed here. We're all serious guys here.
Ahnewbys Gharde: New reel's in!
Amset-Ra: CORONA!
Terabyte: Technically, that's not funnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...
Ding!
Amset-Ra: You're catching on.
clickclickclickclickclickclickclickCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK
Hagrid: I'm not much of a builder... but-
Amset-Ra: That's magnificent! How did you get that many purple bricks?!
Hagrid: I woukd dare say Meca One is now a few Dark Panthers short.
Meanwhile...
Meca One: Dark Panther count much lower then previously calculated. Invasion of location ARFP overdue. Taxes overdue. Care = 0. 😎
Back at the match...
Puppycorn: You even incorporated what little I had of my Small Car in that model...
Morro: It's more purple that this font I'm speaking in...
Audience: WHAT IS IT?
Hagrid: Nothing less than a life-sized Knight Bus.
He hops inside.
Clay: Did you say Knight Bus?
Aaron: Dibs!
Amset-Ra: Corona.
Clay and Aaron: EEEEEEEYYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Amset-Ra: What? I didn't even do anything!
Cole: Whatever you build, I'll bring back to earth!
Puppycorn: I don't have any spare bricks!
Hagrid: All the better for me.
SLASHSLASHSLASHSLASHSLASH
CRUMBLE
Hagrid: Now, as you can see, the Knight Bus was only a facade. My hut was hiding underneath. Now that you have foolishly buried my hut using the pieces of the Knight Bus, you have effectively buried me inside my home. Now I'm battening down the hatches with my Gatorade, Switch, money, and pre-ordered copy of DC Super-Villains.
Morro: I want that game.
Hagrid: It isn't something money can buy.
Cole: Then how did you obtain it?
Hagrid: Does underworld trickery answer your question? I traded my rare vintage Harry Potter figurines with Voldemort for that game.
Cole: You know, if this were a blog post, and we were the comments section, we'd get banned for getting off-topic.
Puppycorn: What's going on...
Cole: Don't ask me.
Hagrid: I dare you to enter my home, puny mortals.
Cole: Uh, Haggy? Hate to chastise you, but you're falling out of character again.
Hagrid: No, I'm not.
Puppycorn: If I can't get to Hagrid, I can still kill Cole.
Cole: Wait, WHAT?
Hagrid: Did I forget to mention I have a year's worth of food down here as well?
Puppycorn: FOOD? Did you say food? Because you know I need the energy to-
Cole: *deep breath* No manner of food, drink, or consumable is permitted within the vicinity of the fighting ring of Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, with the exception of everybody.
Puppycorn: Awww...
Amset-Ra: No, really. That's our rule.
Morro: 
Amset-Ra: Well, he did say that someone must yodel at some point during the match.
Cole: Easy fo you to say. I'm gonna make Hagrid that person. Wait here, Puppycorn.
Puppycorn: Wait! Maybe I can break into the house through a crack that might have appeared!
Hagrid: The house is covered in bricks, remember? Also I took the precaution of Kragling my whole house.
Cole: Kragling? As in a caveman? Or coating your whole house in Kragle?
Hagrid: Bingo, genius.
Cole: Heheh. Spinjitzu!
Hagrid: Magic!
FlingFlingFlingFlingFlingFling CRUNCH.
Puppycorn: Ow...
Morro: Cole and Hagrid broke the rules and threw all the purple bricks onto Puppycorn. Is he out, Swedish Banker? Oh wait, he can't hear me.
Amset-Ra: Let me see... Nope, he's not out.
Puppycorn: *muffled* UNIKITTY, HELP ME!
Cole: Hahahahahahaha!
Hagrid: Would you please surrender so I can play DC Super-Villains?
Cole: DC Super Villains?! Yeah! I'll do it! ...After I defeat you.
SLASHSLASHSLASHSLASHSLASHSLASH
Hagrid: AM I FAT OR WHAT?
Bombur turns around like Mario from Hotel Mario.
Bombur: No.
Morro: Fat jokes aside, Cole has successfully destroyed Hagrid's hut.
Hagrid: You do realize that my hut has two other iterations?
Cole: Where are they?
Hagrid: See the Blacktron fleet hovering above you?
Cole looks up to see a Blacktron fleet. There is one modified ship containing Hagrid's other two huts.
Cole: You're an imposter!
Hagrid: No I'm not.
Cole: Yes you are!
Hagrid: No I'm not!
Cole: Yes you are!
Hagrid: Magic!
Cole: Yes you- wait, WHAT?!
Magic shove!
Cole: Whhoooooaaaa- actually, I can still use Airjitzu!
Hagrid: Can you now?
Cole: AIRJITZU!!!
Woosh powpowpowpowpow!
Hagrid: Noooooooooo-
Crash!
Amset-Ra: Since the Swedish Banker isn't here, I declare Hagrid eliminated!
Morro: That was an amazing attack launched by Airjitzu Cole. Even though he's my enemy, I want his moveset.
Cole: Hey, Puppycorn! You okay?
Puppycorn: *muffled* Never better!
Cole: Here, let me get these bricks off of you. Spinjitzu!
FlingFlingFlingFlingFlingFling CRUNCH.
Sword: Ow...
Puppycorn: I'm free!
Cole: Here's some of Hagrid's food. Go get it!
Toss!
Puppycorn: Happies!
He runs after it.
Audience: 😯
Amset-Ra: Cole wins!
Morro: I never thought Puppycorn would be stupid enough the get a ring-out just to run after a piece of meat.
Audience: HE'S NOT STUPID! HE'S CUTE!
Puppycorn: Aww, thanks guys...
Amset-Ra: This battle really makes me want a Ninjago and Harry Potter crossov- wait, what's this?
He picks up a Hagrid costume from the ground.
Amset-Ra: So he was an imposter...
M-OC: ...Now it has been reported that a new LEGO theme called Overwatch has been rumored for relwase in the Earth year 2019. It is also known that there is a video game of the same name. Whether the two are connected is unknown. However, it is known that user Surtatb2007 plays Overwatch, as reported in a comment on the Voting page. Along the line of new themes, the wizarding world themes are returning, strangely with the absence of Hagrid's hut. Which may explain why Hagrid fought today. Why a Blacktron fleet was present in today's fight is being looked into. It was not priorly known that Hagrid has any connection with Blacktron whatsoever. Additionally, Nexo Knight has met its final demise, not at the hands of Amset-Ra, nor of Monstrox, but at the hands of The LEGO Group, which has wisely chosen to put an end to the knights. They were known to be a plagiarist group entitled Truly Annoying Rogues Doing Insane Stuff, or TARDIS. They were active before NexoByte's knowledge of Doctor Who. Now that NexoByte is a Whovian, it is rumored that he wants to see a Doctor Who character fight again, even though the Weeping Angel has already contended. Why they chose the TARDIS as their name is unknown. It is also rumored that Shadow, Bird, and Tech, who invaded the pyramid last match, are also shadowy figures, but this is unknown. The Pyramid Staff is looking into what they look like. Their whereabouts are unknown. Additionally, the redundantly-named The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part seems to have given the characters a redesign. Emmet is okay, Wyldstyle could be better, Benny looks evil, Batman is Batman, blah blah blah. But the real surprise is in Unikitty and Metalbeard. They seem to be completely different. Both minifigures have competed in the fighting pyramid this season. Actually, they are not minifigures. Unikitty is entirely brick-built. Metalbeard has very few true minifigure parts. If you are looking for something to do this summer, enter Bricks in Motion's BRAWL and Summer Contests. They are brickfilm contests that contain prizes. Likewise, the Pyramid Staff is holding a brickfilm contest. (Not really.) The winner will soak in Amset-Ra's forbidden hot tub. The runner-up will soak in the rays of the sun at Heartlake Beach. The three lucky losers will soak in the rays of Amset-Ra's Corona beam. This be-all end-all event will prove that Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid is better than Bricks in Motion. I will probably get banned for this. Ine quandary is that my mortal enemy Rowan Freemaker is appearing in the upcoming Star Wars advent calendar. Yet The Freemaker Adventures Season 3 has not been confirmed for this year. As a matter of fact, no Star Wars TV series has been confirmed. Will this be the first time since 2008 that there has been no LEGO Star Wars episode? Let us hope not.
----
Wyldstyle: Okay, this is not how I envisioned LEGO Island.
Invizable: We've been through worse. We'll escape from this random 2x2 brick island in the middle of a lava pool in a bad guy base that totally isn't getting destroyed by the lava.
Wyldstyle: Actually, the one thing that's worse than being trapped on a tiny island is being trapped on a tiny island with... gulp... F R E N Z Y . . .
Frenzy: Trade you my family secrets for your MAGICAL HAIR!!!!!
Wyldstyle: NO. Actually wait, how did you get your four arms?
Frenzy: It all began like this...
----
Shadow: Hang in there; it's going to be a long ride.
Flame: Good thing I packed my in-flight movies...
Bird: So... What kind of prisoner are we talking about?
Flame: Or prisoners, plural...
Shadow: You'll see. I think you'll like him. Or her. Or them. Or whatever.
Flame: In any case, we gotta break out the prisoner.
Bird: Are you prepared in case the Kryptarium Prison grounds are guarded?
Shadow: I'M ALWAYS PREPARED. But yeah, I've got some flash bombs, tranks, and stuff. I'll pass 'em around when we get there.
Flame: Right.
----
Dr. Inferno: INCOMING TRANSMISSION! Sorry to yell, though, but IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT!
Pythor: It'ssss from... Flame'sssss Sssssteakhoussssse and Grill?
Priest of the Tee-Vee: That does not sound familiar.
Pharaoh Hotep: Go ahead and play it.
BEGIN_TRANSMISSION
 Flame: Welcome back, boss.
 Bird: Good to see you too, old friend.
 Flame: Haven't seen you in a while Bird... Tech.
 Tech: Cut the small talk. We have serious business to discuss.
 Shadow: HEY. THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE MY LINE.
 Flame: Anyways...
 Shadow: We need your help to launch a prison break.
 Flame: From where?
 Shadow: Kryptarium Prison.
 Flame: Sure thing, boss.
 Tech: Hey... That's an ARFP Recording Drone!
 Shadow: DESTROY IT!
 Tech: H4X!
TRANSMISSION_TERMINATED
Pharaoh Hotep: You know where to go, everyone.
Pythor: Kryptarium Prissssson...
Sir Fangar: Shouldn't we bring the glooooorious Cole with us?
Pharaoh Hotep: Leave him. He's busy celebrating.
Amset-Ra: But how are we gonna get there if we- oh. Ooohhh.
He dials a certain hexapedal Phoban.
Amset-Ra: Hello, this is Ra the Pizza Repairman calling you.
Alien Queen: Pizza... Repairman...?
Amset-Ra: Yeah. It's a thing. Anyway, I have pizza to deliver to you. Also I want to inspect your-
Alien Queen: NO. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR MY MOTHERSHIP. IT'S PASSWORD PROTECTED, COMBIMATION-LOCKED, AND PROTECTED BY SEVERAL FORCE FIELDS.
Amset-Ra: But I wanna-
Click.
Amset-Ra: She hung up.
Sir Fangar: The glooooorious mothership won't do for us. We need a better ride.
Pharaoh Hotep's eyes light up.
Pharaoh Hotep: The Falcon.
Dr. Inferno: Wait, you don't mean-
Pharaoh Hotep: Yes, I do mean. Let me call Finn and Rey and ask if it's okay with them...
One phone call later...
Pharaoh Hotep: They're leasing it to us for... here it comes... 5,000 credits.
Dr. Inferno: No way.
Priest of the Tee-Vee: Wait! Tee-Vee shall negotiate with them.
One "negotiation" later...
Priest of the Tee-Vee: They agree to give it to us for free.
Everyone else: YES.
Priest of the Tee-Vee: However, they were unable to remove the Rathtars from under the floor. And the gum wrappers. And the gum itself.
Everyone else: NO.
Amset-Ra: Actually, I don't care! We got ourselves a deal!
----
Deep within the bowels of Amset-Ra's Fighting Pyramid, a lone figure creeps through the corridors. Having shaken off the guards earlier, and entering the pyramid disguised as that fool of a wizard Hagrid, the figure felt confident. There was nothing between him and his goal.
Now, he took out what appeared to be a crayon, and began to draw on the walls. In the dim light, it was hard to make out exactly what he was drawing.
But at last his work was done. Taking out a can of magic spray paint, he shook the can, then sprayed his drawings. But instead of erasing the images, they began to take physical form. They stepped out of the wall and onto the ground in front of the figure.
The figure slid on his red helmet. Lowering his green visor, he turned to his creations.
???: It's showtime. You are now the spitting images of the Pyramid Staff's current enemies. (Well, except for the scribble faces.) Now let's go and corrupt the next match!
----
Cole: Selfie!
Amset-Ra: (voiceover) Here's to another pointless ending!
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See the Fighter Rankings as of this battle.
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