Episode 210: George Burns/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 210: George Burns.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	George Burns! George Burns, twenty seconds to curtain, Mr. Burns.
 	Gonzo plays the violin next to him.
George 	I'm ready. But, uh, but what is that?
 	
Gonzo 	It's my new act. "Gonzo fiddles while George Burns".
George 	I like that joke. It's a pleasure to hear something that's older than I am. (puffs his cigar)
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. George Burns. Whaaaa!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Isn't this opening pretentious?
 	
 	A gunshot is fired from Gonzo's horn when he blows it.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Okay, thank you, thank you and welcome again to another Muppet Show. Hey, we've got a great show tonight because our guest star is Mr. George Burns.
Statler	(laughs) That's very funny.
Waldorf	What's funny?
Statler	"Gonzo fiddles while George Burns." (laughs)
Waldorf	Have you ever thought of checking in to the Home for the Chronically Strange?
Kermit 	But right now, let's start things off by going south of the border!
 	
 	Miss Piggy and some pigs perform "Cuanto Le Gusta."
Statler	Well, there it is. Your basic Latin number.
Waldorf	Well, actually, it's your basic pig-Latin number.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit sees a figure holding a notepad.
Kermit 	What's going on? Who are you?
Fleet Scribbler	No, the name's Fleet. Fleet Scribbler. I'm a gossip columnist for The Daily Scandal.
Kermit 	Well listen, I'm sorry, but we don't allow andy reporters backstage during the show.
Fleet Scribbler	What a headline! (scribbles as he exits) "Muppets Ban Press, Reporter Thrown Out by Frog."
Kermit 	Wait. Uh … on the other hand, can I offer you a cup of coffee?
Fleet Scribbler	What a headline! (scribbles as he comes back in) "Frog Bribes Reporter, Muppets Desperate for Publicity."
Kermit 	Oh, this isn't going to be easy.
Fleet Scribbler	Say, is it true you're dropping a lot of stuff from the show this year?
Kermit 	Uh, no. No, not particularly.
 	
Fleet Scribbler	Aha. (scribbles) "Muppets Relying on Same Old Tired Junk."
Kermit 	Uh, wait, wait. On the other hand, we have a lot of brand-new, innovative stuff.
Fleet Scribbler	Ohh. (scribbles) "Muppets Changing Format, Desperate to Sustain Show."
Kermit 	I never knew the press could be so depressing.
Gonzo 	Hey, Kermit, Kermit, aren't you supposed to be introducing George Burns?
Kermit 	Oh, yeah. Uh, 'scuse me. (goes onstage)
 	
Fleet Scribbler	(notices Gonzo's fiddle) What a headline that would make.
Gonzo 	What?
Fleet Scribbler	"Gonzo Fiddles While George Burns." (runs off)
Gonzo 	That joke is definitely making a comeback.
=="Train Back Home"==
Kermit 	It's a very special night on The Muppet Show because with us is one of the men of comedy who can really be called special. Here he is with a cigar and a song, Mr. George Burns.
 	The curtain opens on George leaning on a piano, played by Rowlf.
George 	Thank you, thank you, thank you very much, and I'm delighted to be here.
Rowlf 	Hey, well, you know, I'm really glad you could make it, George. It's a real honor for me to be playing piano for you.
George 	Thank you, Rowlf. I haven't worked with a dog for years. (takes a puff)
 	
Rowlf 	You mean you've actually worked with a dog?
George 	Oh, sure, back in vaudeville. In those days dog acts were very popular. So I picked up a dog off the street and went to the theater to do my act. I walked out on stage with the dog under my arm, stood there and sang my songs. In the middle of my third song, the dog did his act. (takes a puff) Twice. He bit me. The dog bit me right in the middle of my top note. And to make matters worse, the theater manager came back, canceled me and hired the dog.
Rowlf 	Oh. Well, I hope you won't hold that against us dogs.
George 	Oh, no, no, no, no, I love dogs, especially if they can play in my key.
Rowlf 	Oh, listen, I can play in any key. I'm another Jascha Heifetz.
George 	Jascha Heifetz played the violin.
Rowlf 	Well - nobody will know the difference, George.
George 	Okay, Rowlf, in my key, "Train Back Home".
I guess I'll take the train back home.
 	Rowlf overplays the vamp.
 	
George 	Hold it, hold it, hold it, Rowlf. You're liable to hurt yourself. Play like you're not getting paid. Nice and easy.
Rowlf 	Right. Nice and easy it is.
George 	Right from the top.
Rowlf 	Right.
George 	
I guess I'll take the train back home.
There's no more sights here left for me to see.
I've wined and dined and gazed on bill-of-fares,
Till Mother's homemade pies look good to me.
San Francisco is a grand old place.
When I get back I'll never never roam.
Tell those cable cars to wait,
And open up that Golden Gate,
I'm going to take the train back home,
To San Francisco.
I'm going to take the train back home,
To Powell and Market.
To see the Ferry Building.
To wave to Oakland.
To eat at Fisherman's Wharf.
To visit Sausalito.
To go to Finocchio's.
Took me so long to finish this song,
I just missed the train back home.
Isn't that a nice song?
 	Rowlf finishes with a flourish. Applause.
Statler	Wow, that George Burns is a great singer.
Waldorf	Yeah, well, so am I, Statler.
Statler	What?
Waldorf	Sure, you Wanna hear me sing?
Statler	Only if you sing tenor.
Waldorf	Tenor?
Statler	Tenor eleven miles away. (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Piggy talks to an unseen figure in her dressing room.
Miss Piggy 	How should I know what "cuanto le gusta" means? (closes the door)
Fleet Scribbler	Hiya, chickie baby.
Miss Piggy 	Watch it, buster.
Fleet Scribbler	I'm Fleet Scribbler, uh, from The Daily Scandal. I'm a reporter.
 	
Miss Piggy 	(changes her tone) And what can your chickie baby do for you?
Fleet Scribbler	Well, I wanted to talk to you.
Miss Piggy 	(excited) You want to interview me? Ah!
Fleet Scribbler	Well, not exactly.
Miss Piggy 	(flatly) Oh. What do you want?
Fleet Scribbler	Dirt.
Miss Piggy 	What?
Fleet Scribbler	You know, scandal, the hot skinny. What really goes on behind the scenes.
Miss Piggy 	Well, I couldn't do that. There is such a thing as loyalty to one's fellow performers.
Fleet Scribbler	Hmm, too bad. I also wanted to do a picture spread of you. Something for Page Three.
 	A beat.
Miss Piggy 	Well, first of all... (whispers in his ear) ...just the other day...
 	Kermit notices them.
Kermit 	Hey, wait a second. Hey, Scribbler? Those are all lies!
=="Chattanooga Choo-Choo"==
	
	A performance of "Chattanooga Choo-Choo" is cut short by an oncoming train.
==Dressing room==
 	George takes a puff as Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, e-excuse me, Mr. Burns. I wanted to warn you about this reporter that's backstage. He writes a gossip column.
George 	That's all right, Kermit. As long as he doesn't write the obituary column, I'm not worried. (takes a puff)
Kermit 	(chuckles) Yeah, but — but he writes for The Daily Scandal and he'll do anything for sensationalism.
Fleet Scribbler	Pay no attention to him, Burns. Uh, he's only a frog.
Kermit 	Uh, thanks.
Fleet Scribbler	Uh … look, I'll get right down to the point, uh, Burns. How much are they paying you on this show?
Kermit 	Hey, now, now, wait a second —
George 	Let me — let me — let me handle this, Kermit. They're paying me $250,000. (takes a puff)
Fleet Scribbler	Ah, come on, is that a lie?
George 	One of my best.
 	
Fleet Scribbler	Look, Burns, uh, for years you were nothin' but a vaudeville actor and now you've made two films. Is it difficult to be an actor?
George 	No, I think it's very easy to be an actor. If you're doing a scene where a man tells you to sit down, if you sit down, that's good acting. If he tells you to sit down and you keep standing up, that's bad acting. I always sit down, I'm a good actor. (takes a puff) I've been around so long that I can sit down and get paid for doing it, I'm in the right business.
 	He takes another puff and blows it in Fleet's face. Fleet exits.
George 	That's the end of the interview. Goodbye, kid.
Kermit 	Ah. Hey, you really, you really took care of him, Mr. Burns.
George 	Thanks, Kermit.
Kermit 	Say, how many of those cigars do you smoke a day?
George 	About twenty a day. At my age, I gotta hold on to something. (takes a puff)
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on Piggy breathing from an oxygen mask.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who has gone to the dogs.
 	Piggy quickly takes her position at the table.
Miss Piggy	Ahem! Uh … Dr. Bob, are you ready for your next patient?
Rowlf 	Next patient? What happened to the last one?
Miss Piggy	He left for a better doctor.
Rowlf 	Which doctor?
Miss Piggy	That's right.
 	Rimshot. They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	"Witch doctor"!
Rowlf 	"Witch doctor"!
Janice 	Oh! Here it is, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Hmm?
 	He uncovers a telephone on the operating table.
Rowlf 	It's a telephone. What's the matter with it?
Janice 	It isn't working.
Rowlf 	Isn't working? Well, tell it to get a job so it can pay me. (laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	Oh, rully. Maybe it's a pay phone!
 	Rimshot. They all laugh.
Rowlf 	A pay phone!
Janice 	Oh, wow!
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob, do you know anything about repairing telephones?
Rowlf 	No, but I can look it up in the book.
Miss Piggy	The medical book?
Rowlf 	No, the telephone book.
 	They all laugh.
Janice 	Rully … What do you think, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	It must be jaundice.
Miss Piggy	How do you know?
 	
Rowlf 	Well, look at all these yellow pages.
 	Rimshot. They all laugh.
Janice 	Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Hmm?
Janice 	Dr. Bob, do you think the telephone needs an anesthetic?
Rowlf 	Well, if so, make it a local.
Janice 	Why?
Rowlf 	Because long distance costs too much.
 	They all laugh. Piggy cracks up.
Rowlf 	Wait a minute. Nurse Piggy, do you have the next line?
Miss Piggy	(cracking up) Yes, but I can't say it.
Rowlf 	How come?
Miss Piggy	The line's busy!
 	Rimshot. They all laugh.
Janice 	Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Hmm?
Janice 	Dr. Bob, wow, are you ever going to operate?
Rowlf 	Uh, no. But I know who will.
Janice 	Well, who?
Rowlf 	(picks up the receiver) The telephone operator.
 	Rimshot. They all laugh.
Janice 	Oh, wow!
Announcer 	And so, once again, Dr. Bob is off the hook.
Rowlf 	(on phone) You talking to me? (hangs up)
Announcer 	Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say…
Miss Piggy	Does the phone remind you of anything?
Rowlf 	Well, it does ring a bell.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	"Ring a bell"!
==UK spot==
 	
 	Fozzie sings "Wotcher Knocked 'Em in the Old Kent Road." Statler and Waldorf join in on the chorus.
Fozzie	(during instrumental break) Watch the hands! … Watch the feet! … Wotcher wallet! Here we go. … Everybody!
 	The audience joins in for the final chorus.
==Dressing Room==
 	George takes a puff as Gonzo enters.
Gonzo 	Excuse me, Mr. Burns, remember me? I'm Gonzo.
George	Oh, one of the Marx Brothers — Groucho, Chico, Harpo and Gonzo.
Gonzo 	No, no, no. I'm the Great Gonzo. I'm in show business too.
George	Well, how did you get a name like Gonzo?
Gonzo 	Well, my mother gave it to me.
George	Your mother.
Gonzo 	Mm-hm. Yeah, she died two years before I was born.
George	Well, if she died two years before you were born, how could she give you that name? — (with Gonzo) She left a note to your/my father.
Gonzo 	Yeah.
George	A note to your father, I thought so. Coming from you that sounds believable. (takes a puff)
Gonzo 	Yeah. Hey, look, I hope you don't mind me coming in here like this, but I know you love show business, and — and those stories about the early days are really interesting.
 	
George	Well, some of them are pretty dull.
Gonzo 	How can you say that? I haven't even told you any of my stories yet.
George	Oh, yours? I thought you meant...
Gonzo 	Ah, I remember my first act. I worked with a kangaroo who could tell time.
George	A kangaroo who could tell time?
Gonzo 	Yeah. It was a trick. He kept a pocket watch in his pouch.
George	Well, if you've got a pouch, that's the place to keep it. (takes a puff)
Gonzo 	Yeah, but he was always wrong. He kept his watch on Australia time.
George	Makes sense.
Gonzo 	Not really. He's never been to Australia.
George	Well, that makes sense too. Where did he — where did he come from?
Gonzo 	Sidney.
George	I thought you said he'd never been to Australia.
Gonzo 	Sidney's his agent.
George	Oh, has he got an office in Pittsburgh?
Gonzo 	Yeah.
George	Used to handle me. You know something, Gonzo? You sound a lot like somebody I used to work with.
Gonzo 	Really? That's a compliment.
George	You know... you know who that is?
Gonzo 	Sure, Walter Matthau.
George	Yeah, that's her.
Gonzo 	Hmm! (exits)
George	I must be getting old. I think I enjoyed talking to him. (takes a puff)
=="I Won't Dance"==
 	Open on the ballroom. A variant of the "At the Dance" music plays as couples dance. Kermit tries to get away from Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Kermie! Kermie, won't you dance with me? Kermie!
Kermit 	
I won't dance, don't ask me.
I won't dance, don't ask me.
I won't dance, madame, with you.
My heart won't let my feet do things they should do.
Miss Piggy 	You know what?
Kermit 	What?
 	
Miss Piggy 	You're lovely.
Kermit 	And so what?
Miss Piggy 	I'm lovely.
Kermit 	But oh, what, you do to me.
Miss Piggy 	I'm like an ocean wave that's bumped on the shore … (bumps him)
Kermit 	I feel so absolutely stumped on the floor.
Miss Piggy 	When you dance, you're charming and you're gentle.
Kermit 	Oh yeah?
Miss Piggy 	
 'Specially when you do the Continental.
But this feeling isn't purely mental...
Kermit 	
For heaven rest us, I'm not asbestos.
And that's why,
I won't dance, why should I?
I won't dance, how could I?
I won't dance.
Miss Piggy 	
Merci beaucoup.
I know that music leads the way to romance, (clutches him)
So if I hold you IN MY ARMS!!
 	
Kermit 	I won't dance.
 	She drops him. Applause.
Waldorf 	Bravo, Bravo!
Statler 	Why are you yelling bravo? Did you like it that much?
Waldorf 	No. A friend of mine, Joe Bravo. He's sitting in the third row.
Statler 	Oh.
Waldorf 	Bravo, Bravo!
Statler & Waldorf	Up here!
==Talking machine==
 	A monster encounters a machine that beeps. He turns a dial, and the machine talks.
Machine	This is a recorded analytic program readout. We will start with the upper right of the module. You will note the longitudinally polarized antenna.
 	The monster pulls off the antenna and devours it.
Machine	This component is virtually indestructible and is guaranteed for the life of the unit.
 	A bell rings.
Machine	There is an alarm system which is activated if the machine is damaged.
 	The monster eats the alarm.
Machine	Adjacent to the alarm is the digital iambic generator.
 	The monster eats the generator.
Machine	This unit is pressurized with large amounts of methane gas.
 	The monster lets out a large burp.
 	
Machine	On the top of the inter-cellular power generator, you will see a spherical voltage oblongata.
 	The monster eats the sphere.
Machine	It should be noted that this unit alone is worth over $17,000.
 	SFX: cha-ching!
Machine	By way of contrast, the Doppler sublimated magneto located on the front of the generator …
 	The monster tears it off.
Machine	… can be purchased in any hardware store for about thirty-seven cents.
 	The monster tosses it, then devours the rest of the machine.
Machine	The intercellular power structure and generator itself is filled with a series of Manxome coils attenuated dicotyledonously. In this same circuit there is an intaglio of numismatic krypton wavelengths which abrogates the hydromatic mome raths at the rate of five ventrical icons per micro cantabile. The electromagnetic console... -
 	The monster finishes by eating the talking part of the machine, which continues talking inside his stomach.
Machine	In conclusion, nothing can keep this machine from performing its function which is to be the most powerful exploding device known to man.
 	Tick tick … BOOM! The monster explodes.
Statler	Disgusting. Ever seen eating like that?
Waldorf	Sure.
Statler	Where?
Waldorf	Thanksgiving dinner with my in-laws.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
Scooter	Hey, Kermit, do you know about the newspaper reporter who's snooping around here?
Kermit 	Yeah, Fleet Scribbler.
Scooter	Well, he asked me to tell him all about the show's scandals and behind-the-scenes dirt.
Kermit 	Oh, I know, it's just awful.
Scooter	It was. I didn't know where to begin.
Kermit 	(flinches) What?
Scooter	Well, I mean, I could have talked for hours.
Kermit 	(whimpers) I don't want to hear about it.
Scooter	Well, anyway, now he's talking to the Swedish Chef.
Kermit 	Well, he can't get any information from him.
 	
 	Switch to the Chef and Scribbler talking to each other in mock Swedish.
Kermit 	On the other hand... (gulps)
==Medley==
Rowlf 	Ladies and gentlemen, once again, the one and only Mr. George Burns.
 	Applause. Rowlf plays an opening flourish.
Rowlf 	Well, what do you say, George, would you do one more song for us?
George 	You don't think I came over here just to do one song.
Miss Piggy 	(amorous) Mr. Burns, oh, oh, I've been a fan of yours for years. Would you — would you sing a song just for moi?
George 	I could never say no to a lady.
Rowlf 	Well, you don't have to worry then. It's only Miss Piggy. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy 	Cool it, flea bait. Now, ahem, where were we?
George 	I was about to say yes to a lady.
Miss Piggy 	Thank you, Mr. Burns.
George 	Now look, let's get the group out because this song I'm gonna sing needs all the help I can get.
 	Rowlf plays an opening flourish. They are joined by Gonzo, Nigel, Scooter, Baskerville, Blue Frackle and Miss Mousey.
Rowlf 	Okay, come on out here, everybody. Here we go.
George 	Now, Rowlf, in my key.
Rowlf 	All right.
George 	And kids, I want you all to follow me.
Scooter 	Yes, sir.
Nigel 	Yes, sir.
George 	
I could be happy, could be sad, could be good, could be bad —
It all depends on you.
 	
Muppets 	(harmonizing) All depends on you.
George 	That's nice.
Could be humble, could be proud, could be lonesome in a crowd — 
It all depends on you.
Muppets 	(harmonizing) All depends on you.
George 	
I can save money and spend it, go right on living or end it —
You're to blame, honey, for what I do.
Muppets 	(harmonizing) What I do.
George 	Could be beggar, could be king, could be almost any old thing …
Muppets 	(harmonizing) It all depends on you.
George 	Bum, bum, bum, bum. Now hold that note. I'll find another song. You — oh — I got it.
You made me love you, I didn't want to do it.
Muppets 	
Didn't want to do it, didn't want to do it,
Didn't want to do it, (slowing) didn't want to do it …
George 	You made me want you—
 	
Gonzo 	Didn't want to do it…
George 	You made me want you and all the time you knew it.
Muppets 	
All the time you knew it, all the time you knew it,
All the time you knew it, (slowing) all the time you knew it…
George 	You made me happy sometimes—
Gonzo 	Didn't want to do it…
George 	
You made me happy sometimes, you made me sad,
And there were times, dear, you made me feel so glad…
Muppets 	(harmonizing) So glad…
George 	That's nice. Let's — let's — let's do that again.So glad.
Muppets 	(harmonizing) So glad…
George 	You made me sigh for—
Gonzo 	Didn't want to do it…
George 	
You made me sigh for I didn't want to tell you,
I want your love, that's true,
Yes, I do, you know I do, indeed I do
 	An orchestra backs them up for the big finish.
George & Muppets	
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme what I cry for.
You know you've got the kind of kisses that I'd die for.
You know you made me … love you.
George 	(scats)
Muppets 	You.
George 	(scats)
Muppets 	You.
George & Muppets	(scats)
Gonzo 	Didn't want to do it…
 	Gonzo looks up at the others, gulps, and hides.
George 	But you did.
Muppets 	Yes, we did.
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, it's been another busy show, and here we are now at the place where it all stops. And so, let's give a warm thank you to our special guest star, Mr. George Burns! Yaaay!
 	George emerges to applause, followed by Fleet.
Fleet Scribbler	Hey, Mr. Burns, is it true that you and Miss Piggy were seen the other night at a certain discotheque?
 	
 	George blows cigar smoke in Fleet's face. Fleet goes away.
George 	Good night, Fleet.
Kermit 	Okay, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around George as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	How do they do it?
Statler 	How do we watch it?
Waldorf 	WHY do we watch it?
Statler 	(to viewer) Why do YOU watch it?
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts