Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules/Transcript

(BOYS CHATTERING)
Seventh-grader.
Sounds a lot better
than sixth-grader.
(SlGHS) This is a Greg thing.
l don't see why l had to come.
Because, Rodrick,
this is a family event,
and like it or not,
you're part of
the Heffley family.
Yeah.
That and we already
paid for your ticket.
MAN ON PA: I'd Iike to
give a warm welcome to
Westmore seventh-graders!
A new year
of school starting.
Hi !
Rowley!
Greg !
(BOTH EXCLAlM)
(BUZZlNG)
Alakazam !
Alaka-zoo-wee Mama!
What are you doing?
lt's a magic wand.
Do you want
to see a trick?
Only if the trick
is to make
the thing disappear.
(EXHALES SHARPLY)
Just put it
in your pocket!
You don't want to
give away your
best tricks in public.
So, how was your summer?
(GREG SlGHS)
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)
That sounds
pretty rough.
The only good thing
that happened
was l got rid of
the Cheese Touch.
Who'd you give it to?
The new kid.
Jeremy Pindle.
(GlRLS SCREAMlNG)
GlRLS: Cheese Touch !
Hey, guys!
Anyone for pizza?
Hey! Thanks, Fregley.
You know,
l can't believe people
leave perfectly good food
just lying around.
(SNEEZES)
(RETCHlNG)
l'll save that
for later.
(GRUNTlNG)
Let's skate.
MAN: I'd Iike
to give a shout out
to Taylor Pringle!
Uh-oh, dork alert!
Happy birthday, Taylor!
Five years young.
I hope your
party's a blast.
Rowley,
stop pulling me down !
(MAGIC PLAYlNG)
MAN: Ho, ho, ho
It's magic
You know
Who is that?
Her name is Holly Hills.
She just moved here.
What grade is she in?
Seventh.
She's an all-star
soccer player,
has done
professional modeling,
and was her sixth grade
class president.
She moved here from Oregon
because her father
got a big promotion.
They drive a hybrid SUV,
live on the north side of town
in a cul-de-sac near the park.
What? l googled her!
She's a picture
of loveliness,
is she not?
She's almost as
pretty as my mom.
She's going to be
very popular.
(SlGHS DEEPLY)
(KlDS CHEERlNG)
GlRL: Sit here!
Sit here!
Please, everyone,
sit down.
We have our seats.
(KlDS CLAMORlNG)
MAN: It's magic, you know
Never believe it's not so
Excuse me.
What?
l said, excuse me.
You're blocking the exit.
(STAMMERS) Oh, sorry.
That's okay.
l'm Chirag Gupta.
And l'm single.
Wow. My name is. . .
We know exactly
who you are.
Holly Hills of
432 Embury Lane.
GREG: No,
we don't know
who you are.
We have no idea
who you are.
(BOTH LAUGH NERVOUSLY)
Okay! Well,
l think l'm going
to go skating now.
Please
congratulate your father
on his promotion from me!
"We know exactly who you are"?
You trying to scare her?
Does it really matter?
A girl like that is
out of your league
anyway, Gregory.
She's new.
She isn't out of
anyone's league yet.
She doesn't know
the social pecking order.
lf there was ever
a time for me
to make a move,
it's now.
(RODRlCK SCOFFS)
Hey, Greg !
Can you break
a leg or something
so we can leave?
(SlGHS)
RODRlCK: Oh ! (LAUGHS)
That'll never happen.
Not a chance.
There's no way
that girl will
ever talk to you.
Yeah, well,
l just talked to her
and we'll probably
skate later.
Really? Okay.
Well, you see
that clock?
They play a slow song
at the top of every hour
for couples skate.
lf you're so confident,
ask her to skate.
Maybe l will.
What you waiting
for, wimp?
You the man !
(LAUGHlNG)
Look, if we can
get out to Holly
and be standing
right next to her
when the clock changes,
then l can ask her to skate
and she'll have to say yes.
l don't know
about that.
(lNDlSTlNCT HlP-HOP
MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Oh, honey, hi !
Remember when we were
young like this,
and we used to dance
and go to parties,
and things like that?
Whoo!
l'm going in.
Cover me!
(ALWAYS PLAYlNG)
Girl you are to me
all that a woman should be
And I dedicate my life...
MAN: All rockers
and hardcore skaters
off the rink,
unless you're
looking for love.
(GlRL WHlMPERlNG)
It's time for
couples skate.
l'm making my move.
Stop! Enough of
that total lameness!
Who's ready to rock? Yeah!
(WHOOPlNG)
(HEAVY METAL
ROCK SONG PLAYlNG)
Come on, let's get
out of here. Come on.
(GRUNTlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
(GREG WHlMPERlNG)
ROWLEY: What are
we gonna do?
Stay calm.
All we have to do
is just stay here.
ROWLEY: Whoa! Whoa!
GREG: Rowley! Hang on !
(ROWLEY WHlMPERlNG)
(MUSlC STOPS)
SUSAN ON PA:
Greg Heffley!
This is your mother.
Everything is
going to be okay.
Stay where you are,
and your father is
going to come rescue you.
I repeat, everything
is going to be okay.
Okay, here he comes.
Here comes Frank.
I see him. He's on his way.
Dad !
l know, l know.
Okay.
All right, everyone,
go back to skating!
You all right?
Hey, Romeo,
how'd it go
with the new girl?
(GRUNTlNG) Whoa!
(PEOPLE GASPlNG)
(RODRlCK CHUCKLES)
You ruined
my birthday!
You jerk!
(KlDS SHOUTlNG)
Ow! Ow! That hurt!
(LAUGHS)
GREG: Rodrick!
(BABY CRYlNG)
Here, catch !
Let me start by saying
that having a brother
is really overrated.
Rowley always says
he wishes he had
a brother,
and, boy, do l wish
l could give him
one of mine.
l've looked into it
and, unfortunately,
it's not legal,
l mean,
Manny has been
telling on me
ever since he was
able to speak.
Bubby did it.
(CAT GROWLS)
Bubby did it.
SUSAN: Greg !
And Rodrick is
the king of laziness.
Except when it comes
to torturing me.
(COUGHlNG)
(LAUGHlNG)
GREG: My mom has
started writing
an advice column
for the local paper.
She wrote an article
last week
about how your brothers
will always be there for you.
Well, that's exactly
what l'm afraid of.
(BOWL DROPS)
Hey, Bubby.
Got to go, Mom.
Later, Mom.
Yeah, see you, hon.
Okay, okay, wait.
Hold on.
Wait a second.
l need a moment
for a family meeting.
Now, your father and l
have been talking.
Things between you two
have really gotten
out of hand.
Can l just say. . .
You may not
realize it now,
but having a brother is
one of the most important
relationships of your life.
l mean, one day
you're gonna be
Uncle Greg
and Uncle Rodrick
to each other's kids.
That's important.
So you need to get
to know each other.
What?
What?
You need to spend
more time together.
What?
So that's why l've come up
with a new program
that's going to reward you
for spending time together.
l'm calling it
(lMlTATES FANFARE)
"Mom Bucks."
You're paying us
with fake money?
Yeah.
Okay, now, for every hour
that you spend together
without fighting,
for example, let's say
you give Greg
a drum lesson,
you each earn
a Mom Buck,
which you can
then trade in
for one real dollar.
Oh.
So, to start you off,
l'm giving you
each five Mom Bucks.
Now, if you're smart,
you'll save up
your Mom Bucks. . .
Can l cash out now?
Well, Rodrick,
if you save. . .
But can l cash out?
Yes, but. . .
l want to cash out.
Frank?
l know.
(EXHALES)
Uh. . . Okay.
Yes, you can.
All right.
Okay. All right, great.
We should get going,
because you don't want
to be late for school.
All right?
Yeah, gotta go.
Let's go.
Okay, all right.
This Mom Bucks thing
is a gold mine, muchacho.
You better not
ruin it for me.
GREG: Most kids hate it
when summer ends,
but I have to say, right now,
school is starting to look
pretty good.
Welcome back.
lt's nice not to be
the new kids this year.
l agree.
l know. Look at all
the tiny sixth-graders.
l'm so glad that's
not me this year.
Just a little higher.
Just a little higher.
Whoa! Greg !
Look who's in our class.
GREG: This was my chance.
If I could sit next to Holly,
I'd have the whole year
to show her how great I am.
No way, Greg Heffley.
This is my seat.
No, it's not.
l was here first.
PATTY: (GRUNTlNG)
lt's mine!
Let go!
You know
l'm stronger than you,
Greg Heffley.
Don't make me
beat you up again !
Let's get
something straight.
l was sick that day
and l had something
in my eye.
MR. DRAYBlCK: Well !
l've never had
students so eager to
start the school year.
What's going on?
This is my seat!
This is my seat!
(LAUGHS) Okay,
let's start again.
What are your names?
Patty Farrell,
two R's, two L's.
Greg Heffley.
Would you be related
to Rodrick Heffley?
(EXHALES)
l've got my eye
on you, Heffley.
GREG:
There's no way to escape.
(RODRlCK LAUGHS EVlLLY)
lt's unbelievable!
Even at school,
Rodrick is ruining my life.
Shh !
(WHlSPERS)
He might hear you.
Nah. Watch.
(BANGlNG LOUDLY)
Holy cow!
He once slept through
an entire day.
Do you have an amazing talent
that you'd like to share?
Today, Plainview City Council
announced a brand-new
local contest:
Plainview's Most Talented.
Hey! Greg !
Maybe we should. . .
Can it,
Chunky Cheese!
Westmore is absolutely
packed to the roof
with talent.
The top prize is $1 ,000
and, of course,
the admiration
of your friends
and neighbors.
This is huge.
l gotta call the band.
We gotta practice.
This is gonna be
our big break!
Uh-uh-uh.
Wait a second.
Aren't you forgetting
something?
What?
l showered yesterday.
Smell.
Okay, okay.
Okay. Okay.
We agreed
that you'd give
a drum lesson to Greg.
You were serious?
SUSAN: Who knows?
Maybe you guys
will really like it
and we can
form a family band.
(GASPS)
(COME ON GET HAPPY PLAYING)
Hello, world,
here's a song
that we're singing
Come on get happy
A whole lotta lovin'
is what we'll be bringing
We'll make you happy
(ROCK SONG PLAYlNG)
GREG: Rodrick says
he's a professional musician,
but as far as I know
the only money he's made,
is when Dad gave him
five bucks once
to stop playing.
When do we get to
play the real drums?
Like l'd ever
let you touch them !
Watch and learn,
earthworm !
Hey, l was thinking
we should enter
the talent show.
l could do my magic act
and you could be
my assistant.
Assistant? No way.
Doing magic tricks
is bad enough.
Assisting the guy
doing the tricks?
l'd never make it
to eighth grade.
(BEEPS)
What?
Hey, a cookie.
Manny,
what have you done?
l'm only three.
What's going on?
What did you do to him?
Nothing !
He ruined my video game.
Oh ! He didn't do
anything on purpose.
Did you, honey?
No, l didn't.
No, he didn't.
He's only three.
MANNY: l'm only three!
Okay, let's go, sweetie.
You want another cookie?
GREG: It's so unfair.
I have Rodrick
making my life a misery
on one side,
and Manny attacking me
from the other.
And I'm the only one
who seems to get
blamed for anything.
I wonder what it'd be like
to have a family
that actually loves me.
Little boy!
We're a very rich couple
with no children
and so much love to share.
Won't you come be
part of our family?
Finally!
Someone l can
leave my billions to.
(SlGHS)
lndia? Why would
you go there?
lndia is fascinating.
lt's the jewel of
Southeast Asia.
My father has business
to take care of,
so he's taking
the whole family.
Can you bring me
back a cobra?
l want to
teach it to dance!
MALONE: Wake up!
What are you guys
doing over there?
Get the ball !
Get the ball,
kick it!
(KlDS SHOUTlNG)
MAN: Kick it!
MALONE: Kick it!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
Patty Farrell,
you are the man !
(BOYS PANTlNG)
Nice running, Heffley.
Just have to work
on the direction.
Wow. Holly Hills
is better than Bryce.
And he's an all-star!
Well, l'm sure
your soccer skills
made a great
impression on her.
Go strike while
the iron is hot.
You'll see.
When you come back
from lndia,
she'll be
hanging out with me.
CHlRAG:
l would love for that
to be true, Gregory.
lt would provide hope
for smaller boys
everywhere,
but girls like that
just don't hang out
with guys like us.
So, listen, you don't
have to worry about being
in my magic show anymore,
'cause l got Scotty
from my karate class
to be my assistant.
Scotty?
lsn't he like eight?
He'll be eight.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Get in.
Why?
What are you
doing here?
Mom said she'll
pay Mom Bucks
if l drive you
home from school.
(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)
We'd rather walk.
Get in ! Now!
GREG:
What happened
to the seats?
l needed the room
for my new equipment.
How'd you have
the money for that?
You know, Mom Bucks.
There's no way.
He only earned
like five.
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
(TlRES SQUEALlNG)
We got to figure out
what song we're playing
at the talent contest.
Easy. Devil's Diper.
A ballad? Really, dude?
We got to lift them
out of their seats!
BEN: l got it.
Exploded Diper!
Exploded Diper!
Slow down, guys!
Slow down !
GREG: Whoa!
(GROANS)
(GREG GRUNTS)
GREG: This Mom Bucks thing
isn't working out.
Now Rodrick can get paid
for beating me up.
(SNlFFS) Oh. . .
GREG: Mom, why are you
writing about me again?
lt's embarrassing.
What?
You know how important
honesty is to me.
And, Rowley, good news.
l called your mom
and she gave
her permission
for you to come with us
to Rockin' Rapids
next weekend.
Two days on the biggest
water slides in the world !
lt's gonna be great!
(WHOOPlNG)
Thank you,
Mrs. Heffley,
but l think
l'd like to stay home
and practice my magic act.
(BOTH CHEERlNG)
(SCREAMlNG)
l just want to
perfect my art.
Come on,
let's go upstairs.
Mom, can l
use your computer
for homework?
For homework, right?
Yeah. Definitely.
Homework only.
l'm sorry, Bubby.
What's this?
lt's a gift from Manny.
He made it for you
because he wanted
to say he was sorry
for breaking
your video game.
lsn't that cute?
lt looks dangerous.
What if l sat
on that thing?
Greg !
What are you doing?
(SOFTLY) Tell Manny
you love his gift.
You're so lucky
you don't have
any brothers.
You're kind of
like my brother.
And shouldn't we
be looking up things
for your
"hundred years ago"
assignment?
She looks like
she was born
1 00 years ago.
Ahhh!
Oh, l hope she's okay.
She sounded pretty hurt.
Are you kidding me?
She's famous,
and l heard
she's a millionaire.
ROWLEY:
I would love
to be her!
You do know
she was faking it?
Really?
Of course.
Anyone can be
an lnternet sensation.
We could.
l'm listening.
You just have to work
with what you got.
(MOUTHlNG SONG LYRlCS)
Wake up in the morning
feeling like P. Diddy
Grab my glasses on,
I'm out the door
I'm gonna hit this city
Before l leave,
brush my teeth
with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when
I leave for the night,
I ain't coming back
I'm talking,
playing our favorite CD's
Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get
a little bit tipsy
Okay, three,
two, one, fall.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa!
(MUSlC STOPS)
lt looks fake.
lt has to look real.
But how do l fake it
if l'm actually
falling backwards?
Maybe you need a gimmick,
so people notice you.
Oh.
Wear this on your head.
Now, do it again.
Why can't you be the one
that falls backwards
in the chair?
Because l'm not the one
wearing the underwear
on my head.
Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don't stop, no
Remember when
l broke my arm?
That didn't feel
good at. . .
(SCREAMlNG)
l can't believe
you sat on the tinfoil ball !
We're going to be rich !
SUSAN: Okay, Rowley.
Hold still. Oy!
(SCREAMlNG)
(SQUAWKlNG)
My computer
was supposed to be
for homework only.
You lied to me.
You know how
l feel about that.
Mom, from now on,
l'll be 1 00% honest.
GREG: WeII, that Iasted
about a week.
Mom somehow didn't
appreciate the completely
honest version of me.
ALL: Happy birthday,
Grandpa!
Next year, l want
a chocolate cake.
That is,
if you're alive
next year.
SUSAN: Greg !
Honesty, Mom !
Mom, it's Mrs. Gillman
from the PTA.
Tell her l'm not here!
But that would be lying
and l don't do
that anymore.
l'm sorry, Mrs. Gillman,
but my mom isn't in
the house right now.
GREG: On weekends,
I try to stay as far away
from my brothers as possible.
But on Sunday morning,
I have no choice.
Poopy!
(EXCLAlMS) Huh?
SUSAN: Greg !
lt looks like he has
a candy bar on there.
Manny!
(GREG GRUNTS ANGRlLY)
SUSAN: Frank,
you're gonna have
to do something.
FRANK: Yeah,
l'll get a rag.
Dad, stop it!
Hold still !
All right,
let me see.
You're fine.
Can't even tell.
l'm not going in
with a poop stain
on my pants.
Okay, well,
you can't skip church.
No, l'm not
going in like this.
Fine.
(ALL THINGS
BRIGHT AND BEAUTIFUL
PLAYlNG ON ORGAN)
ALL: (SlNGlNG)
He made them every one
Go.
All things
bright and beautiful
All creatures
great and small
All things
wise and wonderful
What are you doing? Go!
The Lord God made them all
MlNlSTER:
Please be seated.
Let me just say
how gratifying it is
to see so many
smiling faces
here today.
Mothers and fathers. . .
Okay, we're up.
Come on ! We're up!
But everyone will
see the sweater.
People are looking,
okay?
So come on. Let's go.
Come on.
Poop!
He's pooped his pants!
No, it isn't
what it looks like!
lt isn't.
lt's chocolate!
Chocolate. See?
(ALL EXCLAlM lN DlSGUST)
What did l say
about being civil
to one another?
That's all
l asked of you !
Well, you have
blown it big time!
Never been
more embarrassed !
Everyone we know
was there!
(SOBBlNG) l have no idea
how l'm gonna write
my column this week.
l feel like
a complete fraud !
Well, you brought
this on yourselves.
You can kiss
Rockin' Rapids
good-bye!
You two will stay here
all weekend and work out
your differences.
And if you don't,
l will.
And trust me,
you don't want
any part of that.
Do you understand?
Yes. Yes.
Yes.
(SlGHlNG)
All right, let's go.
And don't have
anybody over
this weekend.
Got it?
(CHUCKLES)
(UPBEAT MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(SPEAKlNG)
(MESSAGE TONE BEEPlNG)
Snacks in the bowls,
ice in the freezer,
cups on the table.
Your party
better be good.
Our party, little bro.
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
Wait! Whoa, whoa!
We need chairs
from the basement.
For what?
ln case we wanna
play musical chairs.
l haven't played
musical chairs
since the second grade.
Well, it comes back
when you hit high school.
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
Wait! You get the chairs.
l don't want anyone
to be disappointed.
All right?
Okay.
All right.
(PEOPLE CHATTERlNG)
(LlGHT SWlTCH CLlCKlNG)
Rodrick, help!
The door's closed !
Yeah, and it's
staying closed.
l don't need
a middle-schooler
ruining my party.
What? l thought
it was our party!
lt's my party.
Now keep quiet or l'll
lock you in the dryer!
Rodrick!
(MOCKlNGLY) Greg !
(PANTlNG)
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
(SlGHS lN RELlEF)
(GASPlNG)
(DlAL TONE DRONlNG)
ROWLEY:
And that's magic!
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
Jefferson residence.
Rowley speaking.
Rowley, l need
your help! Now!
(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(PEOPLE SHOUTlNG)
Holy pepperoni !
Get inside.
Open the door
and let me out!
Yes! You did it!
(LAUGHS)
lt's a really
nice try, Greggy.
But whatever you thought,
l already thinked it.
(HlP-HOP SONG PLAYlNG)
When our band is huge,
we'll have parties
every night!
But they'll be
backstage parties!
Sweet!
We'll get to
go backstage.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
You, don't touch
that phone!
Music off!
(SHRlLL VOlCE)
Everybody freeze!
(NORMAL VOlCE)
Freeze.
(ALL SlLENT)
lf anyone makes a sound,
the party is over
and l am a dead man.
So. . . Shh !
(CREAKlNG)
(EXCLAlMS)
Quiet, man !
Get back!
(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY) Shh !
Hello?
Rodrick, it's Mom.
ls everything okay?
lt took a long time
for you to answer.
Yeah, everything's fine.
l was just washing dishes.
Okay, honey. Well,
l just wanted to check in
and say l love you,
and l'm sorry l was
so harsh earlier.
No problem. Bye.
Now let me say
good night to Greg.
Greg?
Oh, uh. . .
He can't. He's asleep.
l don't want to wake him.
No, l'm not.
l'm right here.
Hi, Mom.
Hey, Rodrick.
Hi, sweetie,
is everything okay?
Why were you
sleeping so early?
(EXHALES)
Well, actually,
l wasn't sleeping.
l'm down in the basement.
(CHUCKLES) The basement?
What the heck are
you doing down there?
Wouldn't you
rather be up here
hanging with me?
Yeah, l would, Rodrick.
Why don't you
come down and get me?
Now.
(WHlSPERlNG)
l think they're
trying to get along.
Huh? That's good.
Good, honey.
Okay.
Everything is cool here,
right, Greg?
Yeah, Mom.
And l have your number
if l need you.
Okay, sweeties.
Well, we'll see you
tomorrow. Good night.
(MUSlC STARTS PLAYlNG)
Listen up.
lf you do anything
that embarrasses me,
anything at all,
l will. . .
You'll what?
Just stay out
of my way,
nerds.
l think we should
go upstairs.
Are you kidding me?
We might not get to go to
another high school party
for five more years.
We have an
opportunity here,
to see things
no other kid in our grade
has ever seen before.
Like what?
Teenage things.
Just follow my lead,
and we'll be fine.
(DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)
(GlRL GASPS)
Hey, watch the elbows,
popcorn dude. Not cool.
(PANTlNG)
That was a close one.
(THUD)
l didn't know you
could get up there.
RODRlCK:
You should
hear my band.
We play so loud,
we actually make
people's eardrums bleed.
Ew.
l mean, not really.
(RODRlCK LAUGHS)
l think your
brother likes her!
(MUSlC STOPS)
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
l have to go
find my friend.
Yeah, yeah, l know.
Reminder!
You can't call
if you're dead.
(PEOPLE LAUGHlNG)
Dude, this party is dying.
Look, the girls
aren't into it.
Look, they want
to dance.
You don't
ask them to dance,
they're gonna leave,
then you're just
gonna be that guy
who threw the lame
party with no girls.
Go ask the girls
to dance!
You ask them.
(LAUGHS) No, man.
You go ask
the girls to dance.
You almost did it.
l'm not going to do it!
l've seen you dance!
l'm not doing it. . .
Did somebody say "dance"?
Break it down !
Rowley, no! Don't!
That kid's dead.
No, wait, man.
What are you, new?
You can't mess
with a chubby kid,
the girls'll freak out!
(FAST-PACED
DANCE MUSlC PLAYlNG)
l won't call Mom.
You can kill me.
Conga!
(JUMP IN THE LINE PLAYING)
What is he doing?
Who cares?
l'm going to
go squeeze in
next to Rachel Lewis
and Amy Ramirez!
Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake your body line
Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake it all the time
My girl's name is Senora
I tell you, friends,
I adore her
And when she dances,
oh, brother!
She's a hurricane
in all kinds of weather
Jump in the line,
Rock your body
This is great!
l know!
l wish my mom
was here.
Your parents are so cool
to let you have this party.
Yeah, really cool.
And they can never know.
You can talk
about Cha Cha
Tango, Waltz,
or the Rumba
Senora's dance has no title
You jump in the saddle
Hold on to the bridle!
Jump in the line,
Rock your body in time
Whoa!
Shake, shake, shake, Senora,
Shake it all the time
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
FRANK: Hi. You've reached
the Heffley residence.
Please leave a message.
SUSAN: Hey, guys.
Manny's sick.
We're on our way home.
See you in an hour.
Holy. . .
Moly!
You are in
so much trouble.
Me? You lied to Mom,
just as much as l did.
You know
how she feels about lying !
She's gonna kill both of us!
(STAMMERS)
You do the living room,
l'll start the kitchen. Go!
(NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH PLAYING)
Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah
I'd rather
you didn't than did
I'd rather
you didn't get rid
Of me at that age
Such a young awkward stage
That is not
what you do to a kid
Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah
If this is the case
Let us cut to the chase
I'm so sorry
I never let go
I went to the doctor
the kind that you talk to
And he said
the process is slow
(SOBBlNG)
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah
Down, down, down !
All right, let's go.
I'd rather
you hadn't than had
If you hadn't
I wouldn't be mad
At what I'd been handed
Despite it I've landed
On both feet so
don't worry, Dad
lt looks good.
Too good.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Let's get the kitchen.
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah
(EXCLAlMS)
Maybe we can
paint over it.
l don't know
how to make paint!
l got it!
See? lt's a good thing
l locked you down here.
Now let's go!
We're not gonna make it!
We're gonna make it.
(EXCLAlMS)
Trash mine
if you'd like to
I'm sure
you'd be psyched to
Remember our name
is the same
See? Told you
it would work.
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah, nah
Nah, nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah
(GASPS)
Rodrick!
The bathroom door!
The door doesn't
have a lock on it.
The other door
had a lock on it and
this doesn't. We're dead.
And if they find out. . .
(SHUSHlNG)
Greg?
FRANK: Hey, guys!
Hi.
Hey, Mom, Dad.
Hey, how's Manny?
ls he feeling better?
Poor little guy.
Yeah. He's doing okay.
SUSAN: Wow.
The house looks
pretty good.
l was expecting
a real mess.
Oh. . . (SlGHS)
Who ate pretzels
on the rug?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
So. . .
Who came over
this weekend?
(LAUGHlNG)
What? Nobody.
You said nobody, Dad.
No means no, right?
Yeah, yeah. Good boy.
So,
you guys just hung out?
Had a good time
together, huh?
Yeah, actually.
You know,
l never thought
l'd admit this,
but we had a pretty
good time together.
Really?
Yeah. Surprised me, too.
So you just
worked it all out
by yourselves?
Yeah, l guess. l don't know.
Mom, don't make a big deal
about it.
Please, just. . .
Okay. Okay.
But nothing. . .
Nothing makes me happier
than to see you two
being friends.
Right, Frank?
Hmm? Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, let's go upstairs.
(SlNGSONG)
Time for a nappy.
(EXHALES)
FRANK: Hey! What the. . .
You guys got something
you want to tell me?
No.
What was General Grant
doing on the thermostat?
l have no idea.
No idea.
No idea, huh?
Don't. . . These. . .
These are off limits!
No touch !
They are not toys.
They're figurines!
l can't. . .
(WHlSPERlNG)
We have to keep them
away from the bathroom.
For the next 1 0 years?
Listen to me.
No matter what they ask you,
no matter how hard they push,
deny, deny, deny.
Even if they figure it out,
never ever admit to anything.
Deny, deny, deny.
Got it?
Got it.
Deny, deny, deny.
lt sounds to me like,
"Lie, lie, lie."
l kind of wish
you hadn't told me.
Don't you understand?
Rodrick isn't
beating me up anymore.
But how are they
not going to notice
that the lock's gone?
Please.
They're like 40.
They can barely
remember our names.
Hi, Greg !
l've returned from
halfway around the world.
And l see that
you're even further than
that from Holly Hills.
l guess your
unappealing older brother
was right about you.
You have no game.
GREG: You know what?
I liked Chirag
a whole lot better
when he was in India.
Man, l sure
do miss Chirag.
l wonder when
he's coming back.
lt's almost like l can
feel his presence.
What are you
talking about?
Here l am !
Did you just
hear something?
(KlDS LAUGHlNG)
No. Nothing.
Well, better get to class.
Chirag would've
wanted it that way.
(KlDS LAUGHlNG)
BOY: Good one, Greg.
You may be able
to dominate me physically,
Greg Heffley,
but mentally,
l am the more muscular!
GREG: It is officially on.
Hey, Rowley.
Hey.
Does he know
about the D-O-R-E?
Huh?
The door!
Yeah. Don't worry.
l already told him,
deny, deny, deny.
Hi, Rowley!
What's new, huh?
(STUTTERlNG)
Okay.
(WHlSPERlNG)
FRANK: Hey, wasn't there
a lock on this door?
l must be
losing my marbles.
(ALL SlGH lN RELlEF)
Oh. l can't
take this pressure.
l'm leaving.
Okay, everybody,
dinnertime!
Actually, Mom,
l have to skip dinner.
Why?
l've got the most
important meeting
of my life tonight.
Did you say you
have a meeting?
Yeah.
Like, for like a job?
Yeah. Kind of.
l'm meeting with
the best guitarist
in Plainview.
Now he's in between bands,
and if l can get him
into Löded Diper,
then winning
the talent show
is a lock.
l mean, you'd like him, Dad.
He's a real professional,
like you.
Mmm-hmm.
Be supportive.
(BANGlNG ON DOOR)
That's him.
l'll get that!
Oh, man,
l barely made it here.
Your address has
so many numbers!
All right, Bill,
we should. . .
Whoa!
Do l smell pot roast?
Oh ! Mmm.
GREG: BiII got voted
"Most Likely to Be
a Rock Star"
when he was
in high school.
BOY: You suck!
That hasn't
really worked out.
We should be going. . .
Sit.
So, Bill,
Rodrick tells me that you're
a professional musician.
So that means
that you earn enough
to make a living?
Oh, yeah ! Yeah.
Well, enough if you live
in your parents' basement.
(LAUGHS)
My parents are
really supportive.
Respect your parents,
boys!
Hey! That's what
Joshie says!
Shh !
So. . .
lt doesn't sound
like a cakewalk, right?
No.
Why don't you
tell Rodrick?
Give him a picture
of just how challenging
it can really be.
No, it's really hard.
First of all,
there's no home-cooked
meals like this.
What? Really?
Yeah, yeah !
No, on the road,
it's all
burgers and fries
and pizza.
Then you got to
deal with the fans,
especially the girls.
No, it's definitely
not for everyone.
But. . .
lf you like rocking
deep into the night
and partying hard all day
then it might be
the life for you.
lt's definitely for me.
ROWLEY:
lt does sound fun.
But what if
you don't play
a musical instrument?
Löded Diper
always needs roadies.
So you're
joining the band?
Yeah, brother!
l'm in. Let's rock!
Yeah !
(BlLL CHEERlNG)
(CHEERlNG)
l think l might have
brought too much stuff.
Let's see
how many views
our video's got.
lt's got to be thousands.
Maybe millions!
Four? We only got
four lousy hits?
Greg, l can't lie to
your parents about
the party. l never lie.
Joshie says
a lie hurts everyone.
Guess who wanted to join
the big boy sleepover!
Bubby, Rowley!
Mom, no,
he'll ruin it!
He just wanted to come in
and say hi to Rowley.
All right?
And Rowley's mother
brought over
some healthy snacks
and DVDs
that she thought
were appropriate.
Enjoy your
granola bars, boys.
(ROWLEY SlGHS)
Andy's Magic Cushion.
Let's start with that.
Or should
we watch The Foot?
What if she comes back in
and asks about the party?
You need to relax.
How about
a healthy snack?
(SlGHS)
We shouldn't be here.
We can't just let ourselves
into a stranger's home.
The place is empty.
Nobody's going to mind.
(WOMAN GASPS)
Oh.
Look at his face.
WOMAN: What happened
to his foot?
It sounded like
someone was hopping.
I'm telling you,
it's nothing.
It's just
your imagination.
(EXCLAlMS)
Did you just kick me?
(THUMPlNG)
(SHRlLL SCREAM)
(GROANS)
You know, you really need
to cut your toenails.
What was that?
(SCREAMS)
Turn it off!
Turn it off!
GREG: Okay. Only
'cause you're scared.
(BOTH PANTlNG)
Let's just go to sleep.
ROWLEY:
l wish we had watched
Andy's Magic Cushion.
l love this movie, Frank.
Don't you just
love this movie?
He picked the housekeeper
over the supermodel?
(SNlCKERlNG)
l know.
(ROWLEY SCREAMlNG)
lt's got me!
The foot has got me!
(BOTH SCREAMlNG)
Greg, is there something
you want to say to
Rowley and his father?
l'm sorry for choosing
an inappropriate movie
for the sleepover.
At least nobody
got hurt this time.
l'm a little birdy.
l'm a little birdy!
(CRASHlNG)
(GRUNTlNG)
My knee bone.
What?
Mommy, look.
Mommy is looking.
Mommy's looked
a thousand times!
Mommy just needs
to go to the potty
for one minute, okay?
No! No!
SUSAN: What the heck?
Where's the lock?
Wait.
SUSAN:
Rodrick, could you
come here, please?
What happened
to the lock?
l don't know what
you're talking about.
There was a lock
on this door.
Um. . . (LAUGHS)
l don't think so.
Rodrick,
l've lived in this house
for 1 0 years.
l've locked that door
1 0,000 times
because sometimes
it's my only moment
of privacy of the day.
l know there was
a lock on that door.
There wasn't.
Trust me.
Greg has walked in
on me a million times.
And if there was a lock,
l would use it.
ln fact, maybe
you should put one on.
So that's your story.
There was never a lock
and you have no idea
what l'm talking about.
Yes.
Fine. l'll just
go ask your brother
the same thing.
(WHlMPERS)
Greg? Two words.
Bathroom door.
lt was Rodrick!
He made me!
lt was his idea.
He had the party!
Someone wrote on the door,
so we had to change it!
l knew it. l knew it.
No, Mom, wait!
l was exaggerating
a little bit.
lt wasn't a party.
lt was a band rehearsal
for the talent show.
That's all it was.
We said nobody
could come over.
He knew the rules.
Yeah, but, Mom,
if you punish him,
Rodrick's gonna know
l told on him.
We really had
a good time this weekend.
But if you do this,
Rodrick and l will never,
ever be friends again.
The idea that one day
my kids won't get to know
their Uncle Rodrick?
Or have any
family holidays?
You two really
have been getting along
better this week, haven't you?
Yeah. We really have.
(SlGHS)
(EXCLAlMS)
Okay, if. . .
lf l let this slide,
and be our little secret
for the sake of the family,
and for your relationship
with your brother,
do you swear to be
on your best behavior
and get along?
l swear. l swear.
Okay.
(SlGHS lN RELlEF)
You didn't buckle.
Deny, deny,
deny, right?
You know. . .
You may not be half as lame
as l thought you were.
GREG:
I couldn't believe it!
Rodrick was actually
trying to be nice to me.
Wow!
You're a Mom Bucks
millionaire!
Where'd you get these?
Thrift shops.
There's enough in here
to last me until l'm 30.
(GROANS)
lt's about time, little bro,
that you learn the secrets
to an easy life.
Rule number one,
don't be good at something
you don't want to do.
Guys!
Use clean rags, not. . .
Just give me that!
l'll do it myself.
Rule number two,
always lower Mom
and Dad's expectations.
Hey, l took
a math test today
and l'm pretty sure
l flunked it.
Oh, Greg !
But l got it back,
and look!
l got a C minus.
Well, at least
you didn't fail.
Rule number three,
never do something
when someone else
can do it for you.
(EXCLAlMS)
"1 00 Years Ago."
l remember that
assignment.
Why write a new one
when there's
a perfectly good paper
already written
by your brother?
lsn't that cheating?
lsn't Mr. Draybick
cheating
by handing out
the same assignment
every year?
New binder.
Teachers dig binders.
GREG: The thing was,
Rodrick had managed
to get my dad to do
all his homework
for the past five years.
Which one's
the space bar again?
Just let me do it,
okay? Okay.
I would never actually
hand in a paper
Rodrick wrote.
But my dad?
That's a different story.
So that's just
three of the things
Rodrick has taught me.
He has a lot
of cool tips.
l'm not sure Rodrick's tips
are really that cool.
Okay, so the
invisible Chirag joke
is still going,
and the whole school
is in on it.
But it looks like Chirag's
discovered our weakness.
Hello, Greg, Rowley.
Still pretending
l'm invisible,
l presume.
(WHlSPERS)
l don't know
if l can do this.
(WHlSPERS)
Stay strong.
What is this?
A corn dog.
Rowley's all-time
favorite lunch delicacy.
lf you say you
can see me, Rowley,
it is all yours.
Mmm. Smell that
buttermilk batter.
GlRL 1 :
You got him, Chirag.
(ROWLEY GRUNTlNG)
GlRL 1 : Resist it.
GlRL 2:
Don't do it, Rowley.
Hey, everyone, look!
There's a floating
corn dog.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
I don't want to
get ahead of myself
or anything,
but I think I may have
Class Clown in the bag
for dreaming this one up.
(HONKlNG)
ln conclusion,
without last century's
technological advances,
there would be no computers,
cell phones,
or modern medical miracles.
And so for that,
we salute and thank
our ancestors
from 1 00 years ago.
Thank you, Holly.
That was excellent work.
l think we have time
for one more.
l have to say that
when l read this paper
l was a bit surprised
by its content.
But more than any other,
this one deserves
to be read out loud.
Greg?
Yay, Greg !
Just read it, Greg.
All of it.
GREG: Okay.
"Sometimes l sit and wonder
about stuff l do not know
"Like what the Earth
was like 1 00 years ago
"Did cavemen
ride on dinosaurs?
Did flowers even grow?
"Did spiders rule the Earth?
Were deserts filled with snow?
"There were no
books or humans, so
How were we to know
"What life was
like 1 00 years ago?"
Loser.
Now, Greg, when we talk
about how important
it is to recycle,
we don't mean turning in
your brother's old papers.
l thought Dad helped
you with this paper.
Well, actually,
Dad started
writing my papers
because of that paper.
l looked like an idiot!
And the girl
from the roller rink?
She laughed at me.
Ouch !
Just do something
that changes
her opinion of you.
Like, set a firecracker
off in the classroom.
Boom !
Chicks dig bad boys.
Well, actually
l was thinking about
writing her a note.
You mean like one
with words on it?
l've got it
all figured out.
I'm gonna pass her a note
with a question on it,
but it'll be anonymous.
She'll be like,
"I have to know
who wrote this."
Then later,
I'll walk up to her
and ask her
the exact same question.
It'll blow her mind.
(WHlSPERS) A note?
Do you want me
to spell check it?
(WHlSPERS)
Just pass it to Holly.
To Holly.
(SlGHS)
(MOUTHlNG)
Thank you.
(WHlSPERS)
lt's from Greg.
What's going on?
Greg Heffley is
passing me notes!
No, l wasn't.
"How do you get your hair
to smell so beautiful?"
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
(SNlFFS)
GREG: Okay.
The note was
a minor setback,
but at least things
are still going well
with Rodrick.
It's amazing but
I'm actually enjoying
watching Löded Diper rehearse
for the talent show.
Bill's taken the band
to a whole new level.
(ECHOlNG)
Somebody farted.
l got one. l got one.
l got a good one.
l got a good one.
(ECHOlNG)
Somebody farted.
My dad should be happy
that I'm hanging out
with Rodrick.
But I don't think
he really likes Bill.
I think
what he's worried about is
l'll turn out like Rodrick,
Manny'll turn out like me,
and, eventually,
we'll all turn out like Bill.
Rock and roll !
Rock on.
Yeah.
HOLLY: Dear Greg,
meet me in the art room
before lunch.
There's something
I want to ask you.
Kiss, kiss. Holly.
Hi, Holly!
l was glad to
get your note.
l've been wanting
a chance to talk to you.
And, hey, you like to paint.
l'm kind of an artist myself.
Holly?
Ha!
(GASPS) Chirag?
You see me now, don't you?
Game, set and match
to Chirag Gupta!
(PANTlNG)
Hi, Holly.
Hi, Fregley.
She thinks
l'm Fregley?
That's got to hurt.
(SlGHS)
(CHATTERlNG)
Want to see
my secret freckle?
BOTH: Ew!
(LAUGHlNG)
So the note to the girl
didn't work out?
All right. Let's go.
Little bro,
l am taking you out.
And here are
my other men.
Greg, Rodrick,
l'd like you to
meet my editors,
Mr. Salz and Mrs. Kohan.
Hey. Hello.
Nice to meet you.
Hello.
Where you boys off to?
Just taking
the little brother out
for the evening.
He could use a good time.
Okay, well, be safe.
And be home by 9:00.
Yeah. See you !
Bye.
Bye. Have fun !
Good night.
Now that is impressive.
My older boy
wants nothing to do
with his younger brothers.
MRS. KOHAN: You certainly
practice what you preach.
l think every mother in town
should read your column.
Thanks.
Mom would kill us
if she saw us eating this.
(BOTH MOANlNG)
(SLURPlNG)
(GROANlNG)
Brain freeze!
Brain freeze!
All l can say is,
get ready to have
your mind blown.
We are going to
have an epic night.
(GROANlNG)
Are you okay?
(RETCHlNG)
(LAUGHS) Fake vomit.
You can't beat
the classics.
Yeah.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Here he comes.
(SCREAMS)
(PANTlNG)
Okay. Very funny!
Very funny.
GREG: This is sweet!
l told you.
(EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)
(SCREAMS)
So, you know that girl
who l sent the note to?
Yeah?
She thinks l'm Fregley.
(LAUGHlNG) Oh, man !
l mean, hey,
don't take it hard.
Girls act like
they're not into you
when they really are.
l mean, tons of girls
act like they're not
into me, but they are.
l know they are.
l bet she really
likes you.
(FOOTSTEPS)
(WHlSPERS)
Check it out.
Check it out.
Whoa!
(RODRlCK LAUGHlNG)
Who's out there?
No way.
Coach Malone?
Real funny, yeah?
Oh, yeah !
Well, you just messed
with the wrong athlete!
Move. Move!
MALONE: Show yourself!
Go, go!
You want to take me on? Yeah?
You want to take me on?
You better bring your A game,
'cause l am a competitor!
Come on !
MALONE:
You will come out!
You know l'm going
to find you !
Help!
Come on.
Something tickles.
(SCREAMlNG)
RODRlCK: Come on.
Come on. Come on.
(YELLS)
(GREG WHlMPERlNG)
MALONE:
You can't outrun me!
l'm a superstar!
RODRlCK:
Go, go, go, go!
MALONE:
Everywhere you go,
it's me!
(RODRlCK SHRlEKS)
(MALONE GRUNTlNG)
Stupid carbs!
There's the mall !
Come on.
l can't go
much further!
(GREG PANTlNG)
(PANTlNG)
(GROWLS)
Got you !
(PEOPLE MURMURlNG)
WOMAN: Coach Malone?
"You can't outrun me!
l'm a superstar!"
"Everywhere you go,
it's me!"
Come on.
Oh, you boys
are five minutes early.
Did you have a good time?
A great time.
That is so sweet.
l just can't
get over how well
your boys get along.
Well, Larry,
we run a pretty tight ship
around here.
lt's all about
boundaries, rules.
Anyway,
let me show you some of those
Civil War re-enactment photos
l was telling you about.
So, what did
you boys do?
(STUTTERS)
Just hung out
at the mall.
And talked about life.
Nothing special.
Oh, my God.
Rodrick?
Can you explain
what you're doing
in this photo?
That's not me.
That's not you?
Nope.
Okay. How about these?
l can't believe
that you had a party!
Greg, you told me
it was a couple of kids,
a band rehearsal !
Wait, Susan,
you knew about this?
SUSAN: Yes.
Yes, l knew.
You told Mom?
l knew they
had a party!
lt slipped out,
but l took it back!
My instincts told me
you weren't being honest!
l should've
trusted my instincts.
FRANK: Wait!
You knew about this,
but you didn't
tell me about it?
l still protected you !
l threw Mom
off your scent!
Great job.
She has no idea!
We are supposed
to be a team
against them !
They were getting
along so well
l let it blind me
to the truth !
Why were you
taking pictures?
lt was so crazy that morning,
l forgot we took the pictures.
So l let it slide.
And l am so sorry.
Oh, God.
lt feels so good
to get that out.
l haven't been able to look
at that bathroom door
for two weeks!
l knew that door
had a lock on it!
And everybody was
trying to make me feel
like l was losing my mind !
We're just gonna
let ourselves out.
l wouldn't write
a column about this.
(DOOR CLOSES)
l'm going upstairs!
To a bathroom
that has a lock on it
and no one can tell me
that it doesn't.
l have to go talk
to your father.
l will deal with
you boys later.
Rodrick, l really
didn't tell her!
l mean maybe, sort of,
but l made a deal with her,
and we had a really
good time, and. . .
You're my brother,
but you'll never
be my friend.
(SUSAN BREATHES DEEPLY)
Your father and l have talked
and we've decided
on your punishment.
Greg, you're grounded
for two weeks.
Also, no video games
for two weeks.
Rodrick, you may only
drive to and from school
for the next month.
As the ringleader,
you are also grounded
for a month.
Mom, l'm sorry,
and l won't do it again.
l know you won't.
And to make sure
we're also
not allowing you to
perform in the talent show.
What? No.
You can't do that.
Ground me for a year,
l don't care,
but you have to let me
play in that show.
This could be
my big break.
l'm sorry.
Dad? Come on. This isn't fair.
l just got Bill in the band !
Actually, Rodrick,
that doesn't
help your case.
Bill's kind of a jerk.
Our decision is final.
(WHlSPERS)
You are so dead !
GREG: Things have
never been worse.
Our parents are
super mad at us,
so we have to
spend the weekend
at my grandpa's
boring retirement community.
Holly Hills thinks
I'm Fregley,
and my relationship
with Rodrick
is at an all-time low.
So he's made it his mission
to ruin my life.
Quit it!
Why don't you tell Mom?
You're good at that.
Grandpa doesn't like TV.
lnstead,
he prefers to watch the lobby
on the security channel.
l should be
rehearsing right now.
Please, Grandpa.
Please, can we watch
a real TV show now?
TV is just
a bunch of fakers.
This is real life.
lt's real life.
You can't beat it.
(SlGHS)
How's about we all go down
to the games room?
You boys like games,
don't you?
GREG: The games room
sounds fun
until you realize that
all the games in there
are from, like, the 1 800s.
My grandpa's favorite
is a really old board game
called Gutbusters.
Now, remember,
the object of the game
is to read the joke card
and all the other players
have to try not to laugh.
(SNlCKERS) Good luck!
There are some real
rib-ticklers in there!
Yeah.
You go first.
"Putting economic policy
before fiscal responsibility
"is like putting the cart
before the horse."
(LAUGHlNG)
That is hilarious, Grandpa!
Read another one, Greg.
l'm going to go
change my shirt.
Hi !
Oh, hi, Holly.
What are you
doing here?
l'm visiting my grandma.
She just moved here.
l'm on Grandpa duty.
Listen, Greg,
l'm really sorry for calling
you Fregley the other day.
l don't know
what happened.
l think
it's the Greg and Freg part,
my brain just flipped.
You called me Fregley?
l had no idea.
Really?
Not really.
l heard it.
lt was pretty rough.
But don't worry,
l have the rest of
middle school to get over it.
What happened
to your shirt?
Oh, my brother
spit milk on me.
Let me guess,
he was pretending
to laugh
at something that
wasn't actually funny.
How did you know?
lt's in the
Older Sibling
Handbook.
Last week, my older sister
put hair remover
in my shampoo.
lf l hadn't smelled something,
l'd be completely bald by now!
Why would she do that?
Duh ! 'Cause
she's my sister.
lt's part of the deal.
You fight and then
you get over it.
Not my brother.
He hates me
and he'll never
get over it.
Of course he will.
He has to.
He's your brother.
l also have a little sister
who's spoiled rotten.
Tell me about it!
My little brother
ruins all my stuff,
and somehow l'm the one
who ends up getting
in trouble for it.
Doesn't that
drive you nuts?
(SCOFFS)
GRANDMA HlLLS:
Holly! Time for dinner!
l got to go.
lt was cool
hanging out with you.
l'll look for you
tomorrow, Greg.
See you later,
Fregley.
GREG: I thought
being at Grandpa's
was a punishment
but, really, it was destiny
that Holly was here, too.
My luck had
finally changed.
(SNORlNG)
RODRlCK: (READlNG)
"l've never believed
in fate, or destiny,
"or whatever, until now.
"Things are finally
starting to go my way!"
Rodrick, be quiet.
Talk on the phone
someplace else.
"l thought
being at Grandpa's
was a punishment
"but, really, it was destiny
that Holly was here, too.
"My luck had
finally changed."
Aww! (LAUGHS)
Give it back,
Rodrick!
This stuff is priceless!
No way.
Come on.
Give it back!
You know what?
l will give it back.
To Holly!
Wait till she reads
this garbage!
(THIS IS WAR PLAYlNG)
I don't even want to go
"l can't believe my luck!
"l finally got Holly
all to myself
"without Chirag,
or anyone else!"
(LAUGHlNG)
Give it back, Rodrick!
Give it back.
No way.
Always stuck
in a daydream
Can't focus
on the other team
Hunted you
all day and night
Now I'm ready
for a fight
This is war
Yeah, yeah, yeah
This is war
Yeah, yeah, yeah
This is war
(GASPS)
'Cause I got
to knock you out
Whoop!
(WOMAN SHRlEKS)
Oh !
(RODRlCK LAUGHlNG)
(GASPS)
They say that
you're the best
You gotta follow
all the rest
This is war
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Record, record, record.
This is war
Yeah, yeah, yeah
This is war
I can't be your friend
'Cause I gotta
knock you out
(PANTlNG)
(WOMAN COUGHlNG)
l'm in the ladies'?
(SCREAMS)
WOMAN: Peeping Tom !
There's a Peeping Tom
in there!
Peeping Tom !
There's a Peeping Tom
in there!
Let's get him !
What do you think
you are doing in there?
We'll come in and get you !
Take that,
you Peeping Tom !
WOMAN 1 : Let's get him !
WOMAN 2: Get out of here!
WOMAN 3:
Stop that pervert!
WOMAN 4:
The little whippersnapper!
l've got him !
l've got him !
WOMAN 5: Shame on you !
WOMAN 6: l've got him
in a headlock!
l'm not the Peeping Tom !
WOMAN 1 : Where'd he go?
(PANTlNG)
(EXCLAlMS lN DlSGUST)
Did he just come out
of the ladies' room?
(SlGHS lN RELlEF)
RODRlCK: Hey, Greg !
What's new? Huh?
GREG: Well, my life
is officially over.
Now that Rodrick
has that tape of me
running around
in my underwear,
he basically owns me.
(GREG GROANlNG)
The day of
the talent show
came around
and Mom and Dad
made us both go.
Something about supporting
the community, or whatever.
ROWLEY: Scotty!
Come on !
Scotty! Come on !
You don't wanna let
the magic fans down,
do you?
SCOTTY: Go away!
Rowley, what's wrong?
My assistant, Scotty,
got stage fright
and now he doesn't
want to do the show.
Maybe Greg would help out.
He can be your assistant.
What? No way!
What? Rowley is
your best friend.
This is important to him.
You need to do this.
lt's okay,
Mrs. Heffley.
Greg is just afraid
that Holly Hills
will think less of him.
GREG: Rowley.
Mom, can we
talk in private?
Sure.
Scotty, please.
Look. . .
Who's this Holly Hills?
ls she your girlfriend?
No!
She's just some girl
who happens to be a friend
who l don't want
to be humiliated
in front of.
l see your point.
So is this Holly
in your class?
Mom !
Okay.
Here we go.
So, are you going
to make me do it?
ROWLEY:
Please, Scotty.
No. No, l get it.
l get it.
Can you at least
point her out to me?
Okay, okay, l'll stop.
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls,
welcome to Plainview's
Most Talented!
And without further ado,
Ms. Patty Farrell!
(MEMORY PLAYlNG)
(SlNGlNG) Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile
at the old days
I was beautiful then
Wow, she's really good.
I remember the time
I knew
what happiness was
Let the memory live again
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me...
(WHlSPERS)
Greg, she's cute.
She's super cute.
Mom !
Look, a new day
Has begun
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
Oh, thank you !
Say hello to
the boys and girls,
Freggers.
Hello, boys and girls!
l love you.
And tonight,
when you are
all fast asleep
l'm going to crawl
through your window
and give you all a big hug !
(CRYlNG)
(YANKEE DOODLE DANDY PLAYING)
Hey, you could
do that. Right?
Yeah.
(SlGHS)
A real live nephew
of my Uncle Sam
Born on
the 4th of July
I've got a
Yankee Doodle sweetheart
She's my
Yankee Doodle joy
Yankee doodle came to...
You can't go on without me.
l started Löded Diper.
l'm the backbone!
Well, we got a new
backbone now, dude.
(LAUGHS)
This guy.
That's rock
and roll, bro.
Did you guys
see the audience?
Oh, man ! lt's huge.
This roller-skating
kid is really good !
Don't you think. . .
(BLATHERlNG)
(SUSAN GASPS)
Greg ! Where have you been?
l've been looking
all over for you.
Mom, you need to
let Rodrick play in
the talent show tonight.
Greg, we've been over this.
He needs to learn a lesson.
His band is
playing without him,
and it's not fair.
And l'm sure that's
very hard on him,
but l can't go back
on the punishment.
Mom.
Yes?
You let Rodrick play
in the talent show,
l'll. . .
. . .do the magic thing
with Rowley.
Really?
You'd do that?
You'll be Rowley's partner,
even though you said
it's totally embarrassing
and humiliating?
You're willing to do that
just so your brother can play?
Yes.
Come here.
l mean,
how bad can it be?
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
(AUDlENCE MURMURlNG)
ROWLEY: (WHlSPERS)
Scotty was right.
There's a lot of
people out there.
Just start with
your opening trick,
like you rehearsed at home.
Forget about
all the people. Go.
(EXHALES)
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
l am the Remarkable Rowley,
(TlMlDLY) master of illusion.
And joining me onstage is
my faithful assistant, Scotty.
Greg !
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
Greg.
Who looks a little cold.
Maybe he needs a scarf.
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Ew! Don't put them on me!
They're still wet!
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Sorry, Greg.
Here's a peace offering.
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)
Fly. Fly away.
Be free, little friend.
(AUDlENCE GASP)
Oh. Oh.
That thing's dead.
(WHlMPERS)
l think l had him
in my pocket too long.
(BOTH GASP)
No hard feelings?
(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)
Keep going.
We're a hit!
And now,
for my grand finale,
the saw-the-lady-in-half
trick!
lf you will.
(WHlSPERS) Push out the feet.
(WHlSPERS) Okay.
No trap doors.
No chance of escape.
l will now miraculously
saw Greg in half.
Wait. Forget it!
l want out!
What are you doing?
This is the showstopper!
Good, then stop!
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Remarkable Rowley!
And Greg the Great!
That should
have been me!
We killed.
And l didn't
have to die!
lt was even better
than it was
in the rehearsals.
Hi.
Can l have
your autograph?
Sure. Sure.
Your performance
was pathetic,
Greg Heffley!
Only a moron
would find humor
in bird poop!
(DOVE COOlNG)
You stupid bird !
(GRUNTS ANGRlLY)
Oh, my gosh.
You guys did great.
That was really funny.
The unitard or
the performance?
Both.
Thank you, thank you !
Thank you.
Just do your best,
honey.
Oh, um. . .
(SlGHS)
Can l borrow
your eyeliner?
Yeah.
Looks like
you guys made up.
We're brothers.
Please welcome to the stage
Löded Diper! Oh, yeah!
RODRlCK: Mom, go!
Get off the stage!
(ROCK BEAT PLAYlNG)
BAND MEMBERS:
We are Löded Diper!
(SCREAMlNG)
(SlNGlNG) You toId us
we were losers
And we can't do
nothing right
You said
we'd never make it
But just look
at us tonight
Exploded Diper
All over the place!
Exploded Diper
In your face
Exploded Diper
We can't be stopped
Exploded Diper
Your head is gonna pop
Exploded Diper
You can't keep us down
We're gonna hit the fan
And rock this sleepy town
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
BEN: Get up,
all you haters!
Dude, they love us!
No hard feelings,
right, bro?
Hey, Bill,
you know what?
When we're done tonight,
you're out of the band.
What?
That's rock
and roll, bro.
BOY 1 : (SlNGlNG) Löded
BOY 2: (SlNGlNG) Diper
Löded
Diper
Löded
Diper
Come here. Look.
Dad? Are we
going to tell them
that the audience
went crazy for
Mom's weird dancing?
He's happy.
She's happy.
l say we keep this one
between the two of us, okay?
Exploded Diper
It's us, the Diper
And yes, we rock
Exploded Diper
So, l just
wanted to say that
you getting Mom to
let me play last night
was really cool.
Yeah, well,
l kind of owed you.
Oh, and here.
The tape?
You're giving it to me?
Hey!
Don't make a big deal
about it or l'll post it
on YouTube, okay?
(BRAKES SCREECH)
Now get out.
Doofus.
Okay.
Later.
Butt-brain !
You know,
l guess having a big brother
isn't all that bad.
Maybe we don't
always get along,
but l know he's gonna
be there for me.
Hey, l just spilled
grape juice on the couch
and kind of blamed it on you.
Later.
(SlGHS)
l'll get him back.
Action !
(GASPS)
(GRUNTlNG)
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH YELLlNG)
(WHOOPlNG)
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
Exploded Diper
All over the place!
Exploded Diper
GREG: Okay,
it's uploaded.
In your face
Exploded Diper
ROWLEY: Holy cow.
This is huge!
We're an lnternet
sensation !
RODRlCK: Greg !
You are so dead !
Exploded Diper
Category:Transcripts
Category:20th Century Fox Transcripts