Inflammatory Response/Transcript

This is the transcript for Inflammatory Response, which aired on April 8, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 Come in.
Hey, the movie's about to star Whoa! It's, like, a thousand degrees in here.
It feels like when me and my friends hotboxed a sauna.
You young people make drugs so complicated.
Just light up a blunt, sit back, enjoy the ride.
Norma, is that a space heater? You're not supposed to have that.
I'm also not supposed to freeze to death.
I bought it at a thrift store for four bucks.
It only shocks you when you plug it in.
Why don't you just turn up the thermostat? Management disabled them.
Apparently we're not able to take care of ourselves.
I wish they would start treating us like adults.
Have a little faith.
Okay, you're all set.
Robot Drew.
Powering up.
I can pinch this tube and it's domo arigato, Mr.
Roboto.
It's all right, I'm just joshing.
Oh, you mean you're not really a robot? Hey, what you doing tonight? Well, I was planning on reading over the terms and conditions after the new iPhone update, but I could be swayed.
I've been invited to this cigar lounge opening.
And they gave me a plus-one.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
Drew Dunbar, plus-one.
It does have a nice ring to it.
Keep it on the D.
L.
I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.
Information encrypted.
And keep Robot Drew's ass at home.
I promise, with my brains and your brawn, we could totally win The Amazing Race.
Jerry, I love you, but I would strangle you before we were out of the first country.
What's going on? What? Me? Nothing.
Nothing, nothing at all, everything here is totally normal, just hanging out.
Dunbar, are you hiding something? Because I will get it out of you.
Hey, Sam, you met Robot Drew? Power up.
I'm gonna ask you a few questions and I will know if you're lying.
Question one Eli invited me to a cigar lounge tonight.
Dinner's at 6:00.
Gina says you guys eat late around here.
Norma.
Hello.
Why? She accidentally set her room on fire.
But don't worry.
No one was hurt and most of the residents thought it was s'mores night.
I see.
A word please? What do you want from me? Her daughter is useless and she had nowhere to go.
So you brought home an arsonist, and put her in front of an open flame? I couldn't drop her off at the fire station.
They're pretty mad at her right now.
Well, she can't stay here.
There's no room.
You know where else they didn't have room, Drew? All the inns in Bethlehem.
Okay, fine.
But this is it.
You've brought home cats, dogs and now a senior citizen No more! I'll get it! It's probably my Amazon package.
You're getting deliveries here? Terrific.
Oh, well.
It's not what I ordered, but I'll keep it.
Hey, guys.
Uh, Norma, this is my friend Eli.
We are in dialysis together.
Oh, you need a new kidney, too? - Yeah.
- Geez.
The life expectancy around here is worse than the home.
Hey, are you guys going out? Yes, VIP cigar lounge opening.
Just two cool guys out on the town.
Lock up your wives, am I right? Oh, no.
I don't really mean "lock them up.
" That's just me doing a character from another time.
How come you're not dressed? I am.
Not.
Be right back.
Hey, I got to say you clean up nice.
Oh, this is nothing.
No, no, come on.
Do a little spin.
Hey, hey.
Yes, okay.
Eli Russell, I see you.
All right.
Oh, wait, hold on.
Your collar's popped.
Wouldn't want your fans to think you're setting a fashion trend or something.
Actually, it's that way on purpose.
If I look too good, I'm not approachable.
Okay.
Popped it is.
Okay, all set.
Is the chain too much? It's too much, okay.
Um, would you put this back in Maddie's jewelry box? Wow, couple of VIPs.
You know, I always considered myself a man of the people, but it turns out I don't really like the people.
Just so you know, everything here? On the house.
- Wow.
Seriously? - Yeah.
Okay.
Whoa! A guy could really caramelize a crÃ¨me brÃ»lÃ©e with this thing.
Smooth.
I know this is bad for me, but how do I look? You look dope, man.
Here, let's get a pic for my gram.
Aw, that's sweet of you.
You're a good grandson.
My Instagram.
Right, yes, duh.
The gram.
But you should still sent one to your grandmother.
Smile.
Not that big.
Just a normal smile.
Relax your mouth.
Okay, maybe this one's just for my personal account.
I love this song.
Oh, you know Chet Baker? The "Prince of Cool"? Yes, I know him.
Oh, nice.
I grew up listening to my dad's jazz collection.
Oh, I grew up listening to my dad scream four-letter words.
But I played jazz to drown him out.
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
Oh, hey, Nina.
Good to see you.
Who's your friend? Oh, this is my boy, Drew.
Very important psychologist.
And recently divorced.
Welcome back to the fun side.
- I like your jacket.
- Oh, thank you.
Um, question.
Would you have liked it better if it had a chain over it? You're funny.
- Bye, Eli.
- Bye, Nina.
Wait, so you two? Ah, nah, we just hook up sometimes.
Okay, Eli.
Oh.
The girl I hooked up with, I married.
Man, I cannot believe this is your life.
Mm, it's all right.
Sometimes I feel like dating is just a revolving door of superficial women.
Oh, yeah, and I bet having all that money sucks, too.
Come on, man you've got a great kid, cozy house, you spent years with a woman that you loved.
That's what I want.
Okay, so what's stopping you? I don't know if women are into me or the fame and the riches.
Well, I hope you don't think that's all you have to offer.
I don't know.
Maybe.
Eli, you're a great guy.
The right woman's gonna see that.
Thanks, man.
From one Prince of Cool to the other.
This is nice.
I haven't cooked in a real kitchen for such a long time.
The only spices they give us at Valley Hills are salt.
Well, this kitchen is all yours.
And don't worry, Drew has plenty of fire insurance.
Thank you.
Where do you keep your cinnamon? Oh, um, it's in the cabinet.
- I'll get it.
- Oh, wait.
I can get it, stop it! Okay, just trying to help.
I'm sorry.
Just a little sensitive about people treating me like I'm helpless.
People like my daughter.
Amy.
She pushed me into Valley Hills.
She thinks I'm old and feeble like those other geezers.
Okay, that-that's a peach, not Amy.
What's wonderful though is if you hadn't been there, then we never would've met.
You're the best thing to come out of it.
That and you reprogrammed my Life Alert to call the deli.
Good evening, lovely ladies.
Your VIPs have returned.
Hmm.
Drew Dunbar, do I detect a swagger? Oh, you should have seen him.
This guy's got game.
He even learned a new move.
Show her.
Sup? Whoa! Give a lady some warning.
It was great Three different women asked me if I was somebody.
I'm not, but still.
Hey, what's going down in here? Oh, Norma's making her very famous peach cobbler.
I've been making this recipe for 50 years.
Oh, I would check your math, because you don't look a day over 40.
Oh, I like this one.
Oh, and they gave us some free wine and cigars.
So shall we adjourn to the backyard and continue the party? Well, that sounds good.
I haven't had a cigar since I was pregnant with my daughter.
It was a different time.
Ten years ago wasn't a different time.
Hey, less is more, big guy.
I'm telling you, women were all over this guy.
And it wasn't just the Super Bowl ring, because he let me wear it, and nothing.
It's not hard at these events.
Women love the fame thing.
Otherwise I'd have to rely on my charm and good looks.
Well, you're not falling back on your modesty.
What's your opener? Uh, "I'm famous"? That's not the opener.
That's the closer.
Well, in my face.
I guess.
Ah, don't listen to her, you've got the whole package.
Charm, brains and that shayna punim.
Oh! Thanks.
Wasn't always like this.
Back in high school before I started playing football, I used to get teased for being the fat kid.
- No way.
Really? - Yeah.
Ate a lot of chips so they used to call me Eli Ruffles.
You out of shape? I never would've guessed that.
I used to get teased for being the skinny kid.
And the nerdy kid.
And the kid who almost died from being trapped under his own tuba.
That I would have guessed.
Anyway, it's getting late.
I'm off to bed.
And who knows? Maybe I might post a few pics on my gram.
That's Instagram, not grandma.
I can't believe some idiots make that mistake.
Ah Norma, I think the cobbler's done.
Oh, crap.
Well, I am dying to hear some of these famous Eli Russell pickup lines.
Wait, wait, wait, let me guess.
"Hey, baby, "are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got 'fine' written all over you.
" Come on, the only line I need is, "Hi, I'm Eli Russell.
" Oh.
And? And what? I won a Super Bowl.
Oof.
No, no, no, no.
That would not work on me.
Oh, yeah? What's your best line, hotshot? Oh, I don't need any lines.
- I've got a move.
- Oh, okay.
What is it, tossing your hair back? Licking your lips? Accidentally backing into me on the dance floor? You're so funny.
- You think so? - And that's the move.
Oh Okay, you got me.
Course anything you do is pretty damn hard to resist.
Oh, you got a little cigar ash on your cheek.
Is this a move? I don't know.
Is it? Sorry I'm late.
Things got a little wild last night.
Ugh.
If these loafers could talk.
They would say, "Put us on someone more interesting.
" So you guys had fun? You could say that.
Smoked a few 'gars with my main man here, and got a lady's phone number.
I was supposed to pass that along to you, Eli, but I'm calling her anyway.
How many times did you pretend you didn't know him? Drew? Not at all.
Robot Drew, twice.
But we had a good time.
Speaking of good time He's back.
Esperanza Spalding is playing at The Blue Note Saturday, if you want to join me for a little J-A-Z-Z.
Oh, I actually got a thing on Saturday.
I thought Gina would've told you.
- Gina? Why? - My plans are with her.
My Gina? Like, a date? Oh, boy.
Dialysis drama.
No, no, no drama.
I'm - I'm glad you guys hit it off.
- We really did.
- And I don't kiss and tell - Well, then, don't.
It's a dialysis center, not a locker room.
You don't hear Jerry bragging about his erotic escapades.
Course not.
Like a gentleman, I save it for my podcast.
Wow.
You learn something new you don't want to know every day.
Tough break, Drew.
Oh, guys, look, Gina and I are not a thing.
No, I mean, boy gets donor, donor falls in love with other patient, other patient gets kidney, boy gets screwed.
Oldest story in the dialysis room.
Come on, I couldn't do that to you.
I could.
Is Gina sexually curious? Hey.
How was dialysis? Fine.
I have come to understand that you are going on a date with Eli.
Oh, yeah, he's cooking me dinner.
Oh, I like Eli.
Get it, girl.
Yes.
"Get it.
" I'm just surprised you didn't tell me.
Uh, I'm supposed to tell you every time that I go out with someone? No, just when you're going out with one of my friends.
I've seen your Instagram.
It's not gonna be a big problem.
Don't you have a house to burn down? Eli and I are connected.
We like the same music, we're gonna work out together.
He calls me his boy.
No one's ever called me that.
Not even my dad.
What does that have to do with me? I don't have many friends.
I never have.
You know that.
You saw me in high school.
- You see me now.
- Drew, I am not trying to steal your friends.
If you guys go out and things go well, I'm a third wheel.
And if they don't, I have to choose a side.
It's just a date.
We're not picking out names for our kids or anything.
There are millions of guys out there.
You could date any one of them.
This guy's mine.
And I don't care how that sounds.
Eli and Drew forever.
We're boys! Oh, my God.
What is his problem? Well, isn't it obvious? He's jealous.
What? Ugh, no way.
Drew and I are just friends.
Oh, please.
You're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, and you're saving his life.
The poor schlemiel never had a chance.
- Hello.
- Hey.
Oh, my God.
I love your place.
It's like if Martha Stewart went to Foot Locker.
Thanks.
Here.
I got you these.
- Aw.
- And these.
Oh.
- And these.
- Please stop.
I didn't know which ones you'd like.
Red roses: classic or clichÃ©? Daisies: cute or too young? Lilies: too smelly or just smelly enough? Do you buy three bouquets for every girl you date? Normally I buy them an Uber home, but you're not every girl.
Well, you're not every guy I date.
Unless this is your mom's house and you live in the basement.
No.
That was really, really, really sweet.
Wow.
I never thought I'd be grateful for having renal failure.
What do you mean? Well, that's how I met Drew and that's how I met you.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Uh, um, are we sure this is a good idea? Uh, I was until about two seconds ago.
Well, it's just that, Drew and I are close, and I'm giving him my kidney.
And you two are friends, and it just, it just it just feels tangled.
- Tangled? - Well, Drew thinks that you are the coolest, and I don't want to mess with that.
It won't.
We won't.
Yeah, but You know Drew.
- He's - Yeah.
It was kind of awkward when I told him we were going out.
So, maybe it's better if we stop before we start? Yeah, I can see that.
I don't want to hurt Drew.
That's my boy.
So I've heard.
Ugh.
So I guess I should just get going.
Um, thank you for having me over.
We're just friends? With no benefits.
Oh Oh, my God.
Goodbye, Eli.
Goodbye, Eli's pecs.
See you later.
Oh.
Hello.
What's going on? This nice officer just brought me home, son.
And what exactly is the problem, Mother? She was driving your car and blew through a stop sign.
My car? You took my car? She had no license and seemed very confused, so I brought her home.
Thank you for that, Officer.
I can take it from here.
Come on in, Mom.
I will mash up your pills in your pudding, just like how you like it.
Good acting.
Richard Gere, watch out.
You took my car? I know, I should have asked.
But you were out of basil and the keys were just sitting here.
You don't have a license, Norma.
I know, but I love the feeling of being independent again.
I can cook here, I can come and go without signing a stupid log.
Feels so wonderful to remember what my life was like before Valley Hills.
Well, I'm sure that was quite the adjustment.
This isn't exactly how I thought I'd end up, you know.
My plan for my golden years was to watch the sunset from an Italian villa.
So, what happened? My nest egg went poof in the housing crash, my husband died way too soon and my daughter thought that I couldn't live alone, so here I am.
Yeah.
That's, uh, that's really tough.
I'm sorry.
Hmm.
If I'm being honest, it's probably for the best.
I didn't see that stop sign.
Well, that's not necessarily age.
We all miss stuff.
There's a 50/50 chance I have two different shoes on.
Nope.
All good.
It's not just tonight.
It's everything.
I don't hear so well anymore.
I try to think of words and they're not there.
I feel like I'm losing myself a little at a time.
Well, I don't know about that, Mom.
You still seem pretty sharp to me.
Thank you, Derek.
- Uh, it's - I know it's Drew.
I'm not gone yet.
I'll tell you what.
If you ever need a kitchen or just need to get away, you're always welcome here.
You can consider this your own personal Italian villa.
Oh, thank you.
You're a good man.
And with enough Chianti, I think I can make it work.
Mm.
So glad you forgot your keys.
Me, too.
We don't have to tell Drew about this right away, right? Absolutely not.
I watched enough Real Housewives to know that you always lie to a friend.
Especially since I already texted him and said we broke it off.
Maybe we tell him after the surgery, when it's less complicated.
- Okay.
Good idea.
- Yeah.
By the way, it's daisies.
What? They're my favorite.
Good to know.
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