Snowballs and Shitheads

Snowballs and Shitheads is the tenth episode of Season One of The World of SBFW.
==Transcript==
[Episode begins with magical nonsense much like what we saw in the first episode].
Narrator: It's Christmastime in the SpongeVerse, and everyone is getting into the holiday spirit. Either by decorating the Christmas trees, throwing Christmas parties, or making crappy Christmas specials for their crappy SpongeBob spin-offs.
[We zoom into The World of SBFW, which is covered in snow and Christmas decorations. The characters are wearing scarves, mittens, and Santa hats (and, of course, face masks). Dan exits his house.]
Dan: Huh. Not the white stuff I was hoping before but a good surprise nonetheless.
Narrator: Here we see The World of SBFW as it looks in the Christmas season. Everybody is getting in the Christmas spirit and doing other Christmas things. I know, it's cliche but it's not my time being wasted here.
[Polar decorates a Christmas tree. She admires it for a second before it falls on her.]
Narrator: Of course, not everyone is in the spirit.
[We see Jasbre HQ]
Narrator: Wait, is that in the script?
[pause, we hear paper rustling]
Narrator: Uh, wrong building.
[The camera quickly pans over to Box Productions Inc. HQ]
Narrator: That's better. Now, as I was saying, not everyone is in the spirit.
Jasbre: (off-screen) Indeed. Paint Heinz as the villain, paint Heinz as the villain!
CrazySponge: huh? what's going on?
Matchy: Business as usual for Jasbre Corp., just ignore it.
[Fade inside of Box Productions Inc.]
Narrator: Here we see the work habitat of the Brainsmallius hooplaticis, the Hoopla Fish.
Hoopla: o
Purps: Yo, Crazy. How long do I have to keep writing? I kinda have to finish an episode of Cult of Squid.
CrazySponge: eh i dont care, i own you all.
Purps: Yeah but I really need to-
CrazySponge: KEEP WRITING!
Narrator: As you can see there isn't a better time to work at BP than Christmas.
[Matchy walks towards the coffee machine, cheerios pour into their mug.]
Matchy: You know if it wasn't for the Christmas shit I wouldn't fucking work, it pisses me off!
CrazySponge: we need to release the hfb christmas special asap. that means as soon as possible. the sooner we finish it the sooner i can get on with my life
Polar: You have a life???
CrazySponge: yeah but first we need to get the episode done and please the fan club.
[Cutaway to the town hall. A sign reading "HFB Fan Club" is on the wall while CrazySponge sits at a table alone. The rest of the room is empty. Cut back.]
Matchy: I mean maybe it would help if you actually helped with the episode.
CrazySponge: yeah sorry im too busy checking my mom's phone to see what im getting for christmas, you know.
Purps: Wh- why?
CrazySponge: it's like when a marvel film releases, you're gonna get spoiled anyway, why not?
Matchy: That's not how-
[Everyone pauses and stares off-screen. The camera pans over to Polar listening to All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey too loud with her headphones.]
Purps: Uh… we can hear that.
[Polar mutes the audio and takes her headphones off.]
Polar: Oops, sorry. The British Fish cover of this is just too good!
[Cut to Travis in a recording studio recording a Christmas album.]
Narrator: Of course, everyone finds different ways to cash in every holiday season.
Kelpy: Voice like an angel, voice like an angel.
[The wall explodes. Golfpecks is on the other side with a flamethrower.]
Narrator: That's just a regular occurrence for Golfpecks. 
Golfpecks: DEATH TO MUSIC! IT'S THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!!!
Travis: Someone's in the Christmas spirit.
Golfpecks: Santa Claus is unproductive! Christmas is the enemy of the people!
[Primitive and Polar walk in.]
Primitive: But he works every day of the year making toys for every girl and boy!
Polar: ...and everyone else.
Golfpecks: Toys are the enemy of the people! They're unproductive and… f- f- fun!
Travis: Wait, so it was you who smashed up all the Barbie dolls at Toys R Us that one year!
Golfpecks: I love the young people.
Primitive: Golf, what do you have against fun?
Golfpecks: Everything! It's unproductive and blasphemous!
Polar: Take a shot every time he says the word "unproductive", I guarantee we'll all die of alcohol poisoning.
Primitive: Yeah but… why is that a bad thing, Golf?
Golfpecks: Fun corrupts the minds of children and adults alike! I would have banned fun if I could, but everyone laughed in my face! One day I'll get rid of fun once and for all, and when I do, everyone will see that fun was blasphemous from the start!
[Granite walks through the open wall.]
Granite: Huh, sounds familiar. You know in Captain Pantspants-
Golfpecks: Ugh, trolls really need to shut the f*ck up.
[Golfpecks walks off.]
Primitive: What's wrong with him?
Travis: (sigh) Golfpecks, never changes.
Kelpy: Golfpecks, period.
[We follow Golfpecks' walk home. He passes the Box Productions HQ.]
Matchy: Hey, boss, I found a load of Halloween Receptacle Merch shit downstairs, what should I do with it?
CrazySponge: eh just give it a lick of paint and sell it for christmas
[CrazySponge walks off.]
Matchy: I only know how to paint title cards, I don't-
CrazySponge: do it or i'll dress you like a maid again
[Polar pokes her head in.]
Polar: If you wanna dress someone as a maid im always-
CrazySponge: shut up
Lock: That's awfully 'me' of you.
[Golfpecks passes a park with children playing. Paul Renaud is sitting on a branch reading a newspaper. Dan is building a snowman. He places the carrot near its crotch.]
Dan: There, perfect.
Golfpecks: (to himself) Some people have no taste.
[Golfpecks passes Friday's house where they are having an early Christmas meal with their old accounts.]
Friday 1: Nice turkey, Friday.
Friday 2, 3, 4 and 5: Why thank you, Friday.
[Golfpecks enters his house and slams the door. He hears a knock and reopens it to find some carollers.]
Golfpecks: Who is- oh. Okay let's get this over with.
Carollers: We… wish you a merry-
[Golfpecks slams the door in their faces.]
Golfpecks: Huh, for some reason I feel a little horny. I know, I'll report some more users to FANDOM!
[Cut back to Box Productions HQ.]
Primitive: (sigh) Do you think Golfpecks will ever learn the true meaning of Christmas?
CrazySponge: no and tbh idc
Matchy: Hey you don't work here!
Primitive: oh yeah
CrazySponge: you want to?
Primitive: Uh…
[Matchy starts sweating and violently shaking their head.]
Primitive: I think I'll have to pass.
CrazySponge: damnit
[pause]
CrazySponge: so, uh, wanna work for me now?
Primitive: Nah.
[Cut to Golfpecks walking on SBFW Street, he enters a coffee shop.]
Coffee Barista: Mornin'! What can I getcha?
Golfpecks: I'll have some green tea.
Coffee Barista: Yessir! One cup o' green tea comin' up!
[The Coffee Barista makes the cup of tea and hands it to Golfpecks. Golfpecks gives him the money.]
Coffee Barista: Enjoy your drink!
Golfpecks: You too.
[Golfpecks sits down at a table and takes sips of his tea. He notices Horny Police Officer 1 (now known as Alpha) on the phone.]
Alpha: Hello? Oh, hi Jo. How's it going? Good? I'm doing good too. Right now I'm at a coffee shop drinking some coffee. I know, it's crazy, right? People go to coffee shops to drink coffee! Anyway, how's work at the Horny Jail? Oh, they shut it down? Shame. Yeah, I like exposition too. Y'know, I can't wait until this whole pandemic is over so we can get all our friends together and play some video games. Anyway, uh, i'll see you later, and happy holidays! (He hangs up)
Golfpecks: I liked that place. 
Alpha: Do I know- (screams) It's you! You're back!
Golfpecks: (looks around) Huh? Who's back?
Alpha: (looks at his watch) Oh, would you look at the time! I haven't uploaded another Among Us video in 2 days! I'd better do that now. Gotta go!
[Alpha takes his cup of coffee and leaves]
Golfpecks: I don't get people sometimes.
[Everyone begins leaving with their friends and relatives]
Golfpecks: Huh? What's going on?
Coffee Barista: I'm closin' the shop early so everyone can hang out with their friends and family.
Golfpecks: Friends and family? 
Coffee Barista: Yeah.
Golfpecks: What language is that in? 
Coffee Barista: No it's not foreig- (muttering) Give it a break, fanfiction writers are never that smart. (normal voice) I mean like people and relatives that you hang out with.
Golfpecks: I… can't say I have any of those.
Coffee Barista: Really? Why not?
Golfpecks: I don't know. Everyone just tends to avoid me and make fun of me.
Coffee Barista: Mmhm. Well, it certainly doesn't feel very good to have nobody to hang out with during the holidays. Especially after such a year.
Golfpecks: It's weird. I always considered myself well liked. But now that you mention it-
Shop Manager: (off-screen) Barry, I know you like to chit-chat but we really need to close soon.
Coffee Barista: Sorry, boss!
Golfpecks: It is quite peculiar… very strange, very unusual.
Coffee Barista: Hey, uh, I kinda have to go now or my boss is gonna fire me. I hope you find someone for the holidays, and if you don't, I'm, unfortunately, here on weekdays if you wanna talk.
Golfpecks: I'll keep that in mind.
[Golfpecks leaves the coffee shop. Cut to Box Productions Inc.]
Hoopla: Ugh, boss, please. I've been here all day. Can I please just go home to my wife and kids? They're probably worried sick.
CrazySponge: for the 8290427034279209th time, no.
Matchy: You've been keeping count?
CrazySponge: nah, i just like picking random numbers for things. anyway, i cant let you go yet hoopla. the episode has to be perfect, and last time i checked, being monotone is not perfect.
Hoopla: Boss, I'm tired. Can I please just go to sleep and finish the scene tomorrow?
CrazySponge: no one is to rest until this episode is done!
[Matchy approaches CrazySponge with a pillow and blanket.]
Matchy: Nap time, sir.
CrazySponge: oh boy oh boy! can I have a bedtime story too?
Matchy: (sigh) Am I allowed to answer "no"?
CrazySponge: well you could but that wouldn't be a very good choice, would it?
Matchy: Would you like me to read Hooplalocks and the Three Jasbres?
CrazySponge: oh yeah.
Jasbre: (off-screen) I like this episode!
[CrazySponge lies down on the pillow and Matchy begins reading the story]
Hoopla: Can I go now?
CrazySponge: NO! no one is to rest until this episode is done. now carry on, matchy
Hoopla: Can I atleast call my wife?
CrazySponge: shhhh!
Hoopla: (under his breath) Hypocrite.
[After a few seconds, CrazySponge falls asleep. The doorbell rings, waking CrazySponge up.]
CrazySponge: matchy, tell whoever is at the door to kindly fuck off.
Matchy: (groan) Yes, boss.
[Matchy approaches the door.]
Matchy: (muttering) I really should start working on my resignation letter.
[Matchy opens the door, Golfpecks is on the other side.]
Golfpecks: Hi there. Is CrazySponge in?
Matchy: Yes, but he'd appreciate it very much if you kinda, sorta, y'know, left.
CrazySponge: (off-screen) I said to tell him to fuck off!
Golfpecks: Yeah well I'd appreciate it very much if I kind of, sort of, you know… didn't?
(Matchy and Golfpecks stare at each other blankly for a few seconds.)
Matchy: Uh… gimme a second.
[Matchy approaches CrazySponge.]
CrazySponge: why the hell is there someone still there?
Matchy: It's, uh, Golfpecks.
CrazySponge: o
Matchy: I think he wants something.
CrazySponge: but it's storytime!
Golfpecks: (off-screen) I can hear you, you know!
Matchy: I mean I don't want to let him in either but… it's cold outside.
[pause]
CrazySponge: (sigh) fine whatever
Matchy: Yes!
[Matchy runs back towards the door.]
CrazySponge: hey you just want to get out of reading my story!
Matchy: Do come in, I'm sure whatever you want is more exciting than… that.
[Golfpecks enters and shuts the door behind him.]
Golfpecks: Thank you. Huh, this place looks oddly productive.
CrazySponge: believe me it isn't.
Golfpecks: Look, could we talk?
[Cut to Golfpecks standing upstairs with CrazySponge looking shocked]
CrazySponge: you wanna WHAT?!
Golfpecks: I'd like to sell you my company. I know, I was always saying how I'd never do such a thing, but, under the same belt, we could grow bigger than any other company combined.
CrazySponge: golf, april fools was months ago.
[pause]
CrazySponge: okay ill take it.
Golfpecks: Thank you, CrazySponge.
[The two shake hands. Golfpecks gets a sinister grin. Cut to the two walking out of two overly large doors to the main room.]
CrazySponge: gentlemen i have an announcement to make.
Polar: Actually-
CrazySponge: yeah whatever, box productions has just acquired banana studios!
[Matchy spits out his cup of Cheerios.]
Matchy: What?
Polar: Oh welcome to the club, I guess.
SpongeBot: I thought it was about time someone else was going to sell their soul to the house of Hoopla, but Golf?
Matchy: You've been quiet.
SpongeBot: oh yeah i work here too apparently
Golfpecks: I am glad to be working for Box Productions. (chuckle)
CrazySponge: you better be.
Hoopla: This is nice and all, but can I just go home for Chris-
CrazySponge: no. anyways, rookie, time to-
Golfpecks: Don't call me that.
CrazySponge: uh ok, anyway, time to show you the most fun part of working for me
Golfpecks: Fun? Fun?! Nobody told me this was going to be… fun!
CrazySponge: well you can't back out now 
Matchy: Believe me, we've tried.
Golfpecks: I had fun once.
[Police sirens and loud noises are heard as we zoom into Golf's head.]
CrazySponge: cool idgaf, anyway its buying other people's companies. now, do you know how to say "i want to buy your company for"?
Golfpecks: Of course I do. Banana Studios is a multi-billion dollar corporation! We've made loads of acquisitions!
CrazySponge: GREAT! that means even more companies are under my belt now! sweeeeeeet. anyway, next, pick a large amount of money, put it in the sentence, and see what happens.
Hoopla: Look, it's been a long day and we just want to-
CrazySponge: quiet! cant you see im in the middle of rookie training?!
Golfpecks: I told you not to call me a rookie.
CrazySponge: whatever, rookie. now, lets train. say im, i dunno, jasbre, and youre here to buy my company. use what you learned to take my company from right under my nose. er, beak.
Golfpecks: Listen, CrazySponge. I already know how to make acquisitions.
CrazySponge: im not crazysponge, im jasbre. here, this should help
[CrazySponge puts on a strap-on duck beak]
Hoopla: You just keep that on you?
Golfpecks: Doesn't everyone?
CrazySponge: get back to writing, hoopla. now, golf, take my company already so i can go sleep.
Golfpecks: Uh… not really what I had in mind but sure. (clears his throat) Greetings, Jasbre. I belong to a very rich and respected company, and you are a sellout, so I am going to ask to buy your company now and you are obviously going to say yes!
CrazySponge: can you dumb that down pls
Polar: To be fair you do need a fairly high IQ to understand Golfp-
[Matchy slaps her.]
Golfpecks: Uh… Hi, Jasbre. I would like to acquire your company-
CrazySponge: no, no! you're doing it all wrong!
Golfpecks: Can I buy your company?
CrazySponge: no! be more assertive!
Golfpecks: Give me your company.
CrazySponge: that's the spirit! you passed the test! barely, but you still passed.
Golfpecks: I still don't get what the point of that was.
CrazySponge: (takes off the beak) listen bub. here at box productions inc we make crappy spin-offs and buy a lot of companies. if you dont know how to buy companies then you dont belong at bp. so to make sure that i keep as many workers as possible, i have to train you to buy companies so then we can take their crappy spin-offs and grow larger so we can buy even more companies.
Golfpecks: Isn't that just falsely inflating your assets?
CrazySponge: i dont know what that means but sure. 
Hoopla: Ugh, can't we just go home now?
CrazySponge: for the last time, no!
Hoopla: Well if you say so. 
CrazySponge: yeah i do- hey where are you going with this?
Hoopla: Nowhere in-particular…
[Hoopla pulls his phone out from behind the back and plays back a recording.]
CrazySponge (on recording): oh boy oh boy! can I have a bedtime story too?
Matchy (on recording): (sigh) Am I allowed to answer "no"?
CrazySponge (on recording): well you could but that wouldn't be a very good choice, would it?
Hoopla: I mean you wouldn't want this getting out and you getting cancelled off the wiki or anything, right?
CrazySponge: pffffft, like that would ever happen.
Matchy: Yeah, why would we want to do that anyway?
CrazySponge: turn that phone off or you won't be invited to the christmas party.
Hoopla: What Christmas party?
CrazySponge: i uh-
Hoopla: Can I just go home?
CrazySponge: (sigh) if i let you, you'll shut up right?
Hoopla: Yeah, I'd be at home.
CrazySponge: okay fine, you can go home and see your "family". 
Hoopla: Yes! Thank you, Mr. Sponge!
[Hoopla excitedly leaves the building. A bell is heard ringing and several other employees also leave.]
CrazySponge: well its just you and me now golf. do you, perchance, know how to write crappy spin-offs?
[Golf isn't there]
CrazySponge: well this is a humbug to bah about
[Polar trips over a set of drums on her way out.]
Polar: Sorry, I'm uh leaving now.
[Polar leaves.]
CrazySponge: i didnt even get to finish the bedtime story
[CrazySponge sits down sadly]
CrazySponge: maybe if i was a better boss id get the respect i deserve and a proper uninterrupted bedtime story, and the great feeling of doing some good in the world.
[pause]
CrazySponge: nah
[Cut to a dining room with most of the users sitting down at the table]
Primitive: The turkey better be good or I'm getting a refund.
Dan: Wait we had to pay for this? I blew all my money on some shit OnlyFans!
Arre: You probably know why we're all here today. If you don't, what rock have you been living under?
Friday: Good question.
[Zoom out to Golfpecks spying on everyone with binoculars]
Golfpecks: I can't stand all of this fun going on. They aren't even praying! I oughta do something about this blasphemy.
[Pan over to a dumpster. An odd-looking user pokes their head out.]
PoopFan69: I thought you wanted to get in with everyone earlier.
Golfpecks: AAA- who are you? What are you doing there?
PoopFan69: They call me Fan69. PoopFan69. I'm dumpster diving.
[pause]
PoopFan69: You wanna smell some poop with me?
Golfpecks: How did you know about- are you spying on me?
PoopFan69: I spy on everyone. It gets lonely when your defining trait is liking feces.
Golfpecks: Okay sure. I'm just gonna…
[Golfpecks slowly backs away.]
PoopFan69: Some people have no taste.
Zoltan: You said it.
PoopFan69: Who are you?
Zoltan: I'm Zoltan. I'm in the hit spin-off I hate my child. and I held the writers at gunpoint unless they included me in an episode.
PoopFan69: Good to know.
[Cut back to the dining room.]
Granite: So are we all just really gonna sit and eat dinner with the person who locked us all in jail last month?
SpongeBot: That's the plan anyway.
Arre: Don't worry. I've learned since then.
Granite: You learned in the span of one episo-
Arre: Just shut up and eat your fucking turkey, okay?
[Zoom out to CrazySponge also spying on everyone with some Fisher Price binoculars]
CrazySponge: theyre celebrating without ME?!?!?!?! but why?
Golfpecks: I don't know. 
CrazySponge: we must stop this party at once
Fisher Price Binoculars: What's that over there?
CrazySponge: shut the fuck up
Golfpecks: Well I was going to stop the party, but now you're doing that and I don't want to.
CrazySponge: why?
Golfpecks: Because… you're a troll?
PoopFan69: But I thought you wanted to-
Golfpecks and CrazySponge: shut up
CrazySponge: well i mean you work for me you have to do what I say
Golfpecks: I really don't.
CrazySponge: you really do
Golfpecks: Okay sure.
CrazySponge: yay i win again!
Golfpecks: So uh… what's the plan?
CrazySponge: plan? i didnt think id actually have to think! i left my brain at home
Fisher Price Binoculars: I spy with my little eye…
CrazySponge: shut UP!
[Cut back to the dining room. Matchy pulls open a cracker.]
Matchy: Hey, there's no joke in here.
Arre: Oh we had to take them all out, rule 15.
Friday: I mean I'm still here.
[Dan opens a cracker and pulls out a balloon.]
Dan: Oh sweet a condom!
Arre: That's not a- nevermind.
[Primitive opens a cracker and pulls out a lasagna]
Primitive: Wow. Who would've guessed?
Lock: By the way, who cooked this food? It tastes… "interesting".
Arre: Oh, I cooked it myself. Family recipe.
Lock: Oh, uh… nice work.
Arre: Thanks.
[Pan over to the bin which is overflowing with boxes of microwave meals. Cut to CrazySponge and Golfpecks trying to open the door to the room.]
Golfpecks: Those trolls have locked it!
CrazySponge: well that helps
Golfpecks: We'll just have to find another way in.
CrazySponge: ugh, more work?!
Golfpecks: You know for the boss of Box Productions you certainly don't do much. I, on the other hand, am the driving force behind Banana Studios. I can't tell you the amount of hours I've put into writing No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom.
CrazySponge: hey that reminds me, i was thinking. why did you sell your soul to me anyway? usually i have to beg for that, unless they're really stup- i mean uh-
Golfpecks: You'll see soon enough. (chuckle)
CrazySponge: (chuckle)
Golfpecks: (chuckle)
CrazySponge: (chuckle) hey why are we laughing?
Golfpecks: Uh… the room?
CrazySponge: oh yeah we need to get in the building. well that window's open.
[Pan over to an open window.]
PoopFan69: That's convenient. Kinda like when you poop yourself before reaching the toilet. Saves you work.
Golfpecks: I don't get that person.
CrazySponge: you don't get any person.
[CrazySponge and Golfpecks break in through the open window and enter a hallway.]
CrazySponge: huh, so this is arre's place.
Golfpecks: I was expecting something more… expensive.
CrazySponge: golf this is sbfw. we dont care about quality
Golfpecks: Have you even looked at your new asset Banana Studios?
CrazySponge: exactly
Golfpecks: Why I oughta-
[Zoltan climbs through the window.]
Zoltan: Hey all, Zoltan here.
CrazySponge: hey zoltan, all here
Golfpecks: What's he doing here?
CrazySponge: one more can't hurt i guess.
Zoltan: Oh no I actually got invited, but sure I'll help destroy it.
CrazySponge: well you know what mr renaud says: the more the merrier, as long as theyre under 18
Golfpecks: I still need to sit down and have a meeting with that man.
Zoltan: I like Mr. Renaud. He's in I hate my child. which you should all definitely go and read right now.
CrazySponge: we kinda cant, were in the middle of infiltrating a christmas party.
[CartoonGuy enters the hallway. CrazySponge and Golfpecks hide behind a plant.]
CartoonGuy: Oh hi Zoltan. You should come back in, we're about to start dessert.
Zoltan: Actually I'm busy right now.
CartoonGuy: Oh, what with?
Zoltan: Uh…
[CrazySponge and Golfpecks start sweating.]
Zoltan: Dan said he would cut off my penis and also balls and give them to Aaron. 
[pause]
CartoonGuy: Cool. I'll go get hi-
Zoltan: No, I'm, uh, not ready yet.
CartoonGuy: Okay, but I'll tell him you're out here. 
Zoltan: No don-
CartoonGuy: Well alright, I'm just gonna use the bathroom.
[CartoonGuy walks down the hall.]
CartoonGuy: Hi Aidan, Golfpecks.
[CartoonGuy enters the bathroom. The two come out from behind the plant.]
Golfpecks: Well they know we're here now.
CrazySponge: i told you we shouldnt have hid behind that plant
Golfpecks: It was your idea, and besides, there's no time to play the blame game right now. We need to come up with a plan to crash the party.
CrazySponge: well that could take a while.
Golfpecks: Which is why we should start thinking now.
CrazySponge: but i left my brain at home
Golfpecks: Nonsense. You can't physically take your brain out of your skull and live.
[CrazySponge opens his head like a step trash can, revealing nothing]
CrazySponge: see i told you so
Golfpecks: At least whoever this guy is has a br-
[Zoltan does the same.]
Golfpecks: Doesn't anyone here have a brain?
CrazySponge: ahem, need i remind you this is sbfw?
Golfpecks: You know what, I'm not waiting any longer. (he pulls his flamethrower out from behind his back) I'm going in.
CrazySponge: what? you're gonna wing it?
Golfpecks: Well do you have a better idea?
CrazySponge: hold on gimme a moment
[pause]
CrazySponge: okay no let's wing it.
[Cut back to the dining room where Arre is handing out some yule log to everyone.]
Matchy: Well I mean at least the dessert tastes nice.
[Pan over to Ian, who is downing a glass of alcohol.]
Ian: TWO TRUBCKS HAVBING SEXXX
[CartoonGuy enters.]
CartoonGuy: By the way Golfpecks is out there with a flamethrower.
Arre: wait wu-
Zoltan: (off-screen) Here's Zoltan!
[Zoltan breaks the door down with an axe and the three enter. Everyone stares at them unfazed.]
CrazySponge: i like to kick ass and eat cheerios, and i'm all out of cheerios
Matchy: You could have just asked-
[CrazySponge picks up Matchy's dessert and throws it on the floor.]
Matchy: Hey what the hell man?!
CrazySponge: now it's all filthy and you can't eat it! 
Arre: (sigh) This happens every year…
Golfpecks: Cease this blasphemy now!
[Golfpecks sets fire to the Christmas tree in the corner of the room.]
SpongeBot: Is this all because we didn't invite them?
Matchy: Well it was fun while it lasted.
Lock: You mean this was fun?
Primitive: I mean, I got lasagna, so it's all good in the end.
[Arre picks up a fire extinguisher.]
Arre: Alright, everyone evacuate the building!
[All the users walk out the building while Arre tries to put out the fire. CrazySponge, Golfpecks and Zoltan keep pathetically attempting to wreck things.]
CrazySponge: you asked for it. face the wrath of my HOOPLA PUNCH!
[CrazySponge flays his arm at Arre. She is unaffected and unamused.]
Arre: Can you just let me put out the fire? We're breathing in the fumes.
CrazySponge: yeah, yeah. youre just jealous of my skills you n00b
Arre: Could you style on me some other time? I'm trying to put out the-
[Zoltan cuts the dining table in half with his axe.]
Arre: This is why we can't have nice things.
[Cut to all the users waiting outside the house.]
Polar: Well that was eventful.
Primitive: Oh you weren't here last year so you won't remember, but our annual Christmas meal being ruined is basically a tradition at this point.
Matchy: I just don't get it. Why does it always have to be like this?
Primitive: This is The World of SBFW. By now you should know that when anything bad can happen, it will happen.
Polar: At least it can't get any wor-
Matchy: Don't you even- 
Primitive: I wonder why CrazySponge and Golfpecks wanted to destroy the party anyway.
[CrazySponge, Golfpecks and Zoltan exit the building.]
Primitive: …and Zoltan.
Golfpecks: Well I'm glad I did a good deed today.
Lock: Arre's house is burning down, lol.
Zoltan: I know, right?!
[A firetruck pulls up.]
Primitive: So, uh, why did you want to destroy the party?
CrazySponge: idk i just did it for the lols
Golfpecks: I did it because I wasn't invited. I'm trying to become a new penguin, banana, thing, but you can't expect me to change if you don't invite me to your Christmas parties!
Primitive: that doesn't make a lot of sense but ok
Polar: Well, so much for the Christmas special.
Primitive: I spent $13,000 dollars in advertising for this!
[He holds up a small poster advertising the TWoS Christmas special]
SpongeBot: Maybe the real Christmas special was the friends we made along the way.
Golfpecks: What friends?
Primitive: Well, I guess we need to extend the episode somehow.
[Primitive rewrites the script]
CrazySponge: i dunno. we laughed, we cried, mostly cried, golfpecks sold his soul to me. so i'll say it works out.
Primitive: Alright, let's cut to SBFW Street, Mr. Text Man.
[Cut to SBFW Street]
Primitive: Thanks, Mr. Text Man.
[Eat my ass, punk]
Primitive: Rude.
Golfpecks: What are we doing here?
[I don't know. I never thought we'd get this far.]
Primitive: I guess we need to tell you the true meaning of friendship or Christmas or something. Let's make it in song too.
Polar: Song? Oh, fuck me.
Golfpecks: Oh no, I'm gonna get my-
[Primitive pulls Golfpecks' flamethrower out from behind his back and throws it off-screen. Primitive blows on a pitch pipe]
Jasbre: Does anybody have any earplugs?
[Primitive pulls out an oversized candy cane from behind his back.]
Primitive: 🎵So you wanna know the meaning of Christmas, eh?🎵
Golfpecks: No.
Primitive: 🎵Well I have the answer that will make your day!🎵
[Primitive dances around the group.]
Golfpecks: Please stop before I f*cking murder you.
Polar: (whispering) Just go with it.
Primitive: 🎵First things first, if you wanna enquire, please don't set people's houses on fire!🎵
CrazySponge: i dunno that was the best part
House: I take offense to that!
Polar: Where is that music coming from anyway?
SpongeBot: I'll have whatever drugs he's on.
[Primitive keeps dancing as the music awkwardly plays in the background.]
Primitive: (whispering) Come on, someone help me out here.
Golfpecks: Why?
Primitive: Do you know how hard it is to write a song?
CrazySponge: judging by the quality of this so far, yes.
Primitive: Ugh, just someone sing a line or something!
CrazySponge: okay, okay, fine. 
[CrazySponge pulls a microphone out of his back. His singing voice suddenly sounds good.]
CrazySponge: 🎵Second things second, Golfpecks honey, head down to BP and give us your money!🎵
Lock: This isn't about you, y'know.
Backup Singers: 🎵It's an SBFW Christmas...🎵
Primitive: No, no, he has a point. Commercialism is a big part of the holiday. Now can everyone just please stop interrupting?
CrazySponge: (to the tune of Jingle Bells) 🎵BP Inc., BP Inc., wants to buy your soul! You do all the work for me and you get paid fuck all!🎵
Primitive: Okay, now I'm starting to regret this.
CrazySponge: 🎵BP Inc., BP Inc.'s taking over the world! You can run, but you can't hide and we don't give a hell!🎵
Primitive: That doesn't even rhyme.
CrazySponge: well it's all i got, okay?
Golfpecks: Is this going to go on much longer or-
CrazySponge: 🎵Buying companies, that's what makes me jack! With my new assets I'll be laughing to the bank!🎵
Primitive: Again-
Matchy: 🎵I don't really know, why he wants it all, but I know that eventually all empires have to fall!🎵
CrazySponge: 🎵Hey! BP Inc., BP Inc., Jasbre Corp. will mourn! I'll be staying up all night watching Fortnite p-🎵
Primitive: Hey, hey, hey!
[The music suddenly stops.]
Primitive: This song is supposed to be about the true meaning of Christmas, not about you and your little kinks!
CrazySponge: well golfpecks is my new bitc- i mean, employee, and he still hasn't finished his training.
Primitive: But this isn't what Christmas is about!
CrazySponge: it isn't?
Golfpecks: (covering his ears) I have tinnitus.
Primitive: Christmas isn't just about capitalism and getting presents. 
CrazySponge: well i've been doing this christmas thing wrong my entire life 
Primitive: Christmas is a holiday where you spend time with loved ones like friends and family, and eat turkey and sing carols and absolutely destroy them in Super Smash Bros.
CrazySponge: wait wut
Primitive: You should see my Piranha Plant. Not very shabby if I do say so myself.
Golfpecks: But I don't have a family, and I don't even know what a "Super Smash Bros." is! Is it even suitable for families?
Polar: I think you're forgetting why we're all in The World of SBFW in the first place.
Golfpecks: Huh?
Backup Singers: 🎵It's an SBFW Christmas...🎵
Polar: 🎵We're all social rejects, can't you see? SpongeBob fanfics are all we'll be! We're all stuck here, us all together. Let's just enjoy this snowy weather.🎵
Primitive: I mean at least you actually rhyme.
Polar: Is that a compliment?
Primitive: No.
Polar: I'm making this up on the spot, give me a break.
Backup Singers: 🎵It's an SBFW Christmas...🎵
Golfpecks: I still don't get it. Mostly because I'm covering my ears.
Lock: My turn! 🎵I'm freezing to death and there's cum on my blouse. I hate my life and wanna be crushed by a-🎵
[House lands on CrazySponge, killing him]
Lock: Some people get all the luck…
Backup Singers: 🎵It's an SBFW Christmas...🎵
Golfpecks: I still do not understand this Christmas blasphe-
[Primitive hits him on the head with his giant candy cane]
Golfpecks: Now I have a headache too. Could this day possibly get any worse?
[pause]
House: 🎵...I crush Aidan all year long-🎵
Golfpecks: Oh no.
House: 🎵But honestly has he done anything wrong?🎵
Matchy: 🎵Actually here's a list-🎵
Lock: 🎵-I guarantee he took the piss.🎵
Primitive: 🎵At Christmas time we look back on the year-🎵
Primitive: 🎵-and see who's the biggest reject in here!🎵
Polar: 🎵Lock and Purps wrote Cult of Squid, 30 eps this year they did!🎵
Primitive: 🎵Just one example of how we throw out our life, I honestly doubt I'll get a wife.🎵
Polar: Well this just got depressing.
Primitive: Yeah, but 🎵it's an SBFW Christmas-🎵
Golfpecks: Right, that does it! I don't want in on your Christmas shenanigans! CrazySponge, give me Banana Studios back!
CrazySponge: WHAT?! you can't do that
Lock: Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Primitive: Forget about that, we didn't even finish the song!
Lock: Eh.
Golfpecks: I want it back, so gimme.
CrazySponge: how about no?
Lock: I think this is against the policy, but this is funny so I don't care.
Golfpecks: Give me my company back.
CrazySponge: but you only just gave it to me! 
Golfpecks: I do not care. Give it back to me.
CrazySponge: nah
[Lock pulls out a deckchair and begins eating popcorn.]
Golfpecks: Give it!
CrazySponge: i can't! the policy says-
Golfpecks: I want it back!
CrazySponge: no! 
Matchy: Why'd Golf give him the company in the first place?
Lock: I dunno, but this is good shit this is!
Primitive: So, uh, anyone wanna go over to my pad and watch some Christmas movies?
Polar: okway
Lock: You go do that. I'll just stay here.
[Most of the users follow Primitive off-screen. CrazySponge and Golfpecks continue arguing, while Lock watches.]
Golfpecks: Why won't you just give it to me?
CrazySponge: because it's mine!
Lock: I mean you can't give a toy to a child and ask for it back, I guess.
Golfpecks: Just give it or I'll report you!
CrazySponge: for what?
Golfpecks: I don't know yet!
CrazySponge:i im still not budging.
Golfpecks: GIVE IT!
CrazySponge: NO!
Narrator: And so, the two nincompoops argued back and forth for a long time. Let's cut to Primitive's crib. Maybe it's more entertaining than this.
[Cut to Primitive's house. Everyone is wearing fancy clothes and having a great time.]
Polar: Damn. I expected this to be bullshit, but it actually wasn't half bad!
CartoonGuy: This is easily the best part of the Christmas special. Not as good as I hate my child. though.
Polar: That flamethrower is gone, right?
Primitive: Yes. Maybe. No idea. Shame we couldn't teach Golf the true meaning of Christmas.
Polar: What is the true meaning of Christmas anyway?
Primitive: Dunno.
Matchy: Wait, wait, wait. You don't know?
Primitive: Well, uh-
Matchy: You just broke into a whole song about it!
Primitive: Yeah but I didn't actually think!
Matchy: What's the point of a Christmas special if we don't learn some dumb lesson or something?
Polar: I mean it was alright though, right?
Matchy: Eh…
Primitive: Well, whatever the true meaning of Christmas is, we're gonna sing one more verse about it.
Polar: Sure, we have a few minutes before we wrap up the episode anyway.
[Primitive pulls out his pitch pipe]
Primitive: 🎵First things first, if you wanna enquire, gather your friends around the fire!🎵
Matchy: 🎵Second things second, if you wanna be funny, find a stranger and punch them in the-🎵
Zoltan: -bunny!
Polar: Watch it on PomHub!
SpongeBot: 🎵Next things next, if you want no sex, get some friends and play some GEX!🎵
Ian: I like that game!
[The music suddenly stops. Cut to everyone playing Animal Crossing: amiibo Festival.]
SpongeBot: ...wait, this isn't-
Primitive: 🎵It's an SBFW Christmas, everyone is here, 2020's been a sucky year🎵
[CrazySponge walks in with a tray of Sprite Cranberries.]
CrazySponge: want a sprite cranberry? 🎵The answer is clear! It's the thirst, thirstiest time …of the year.🎵
Primitive: Actually, I'd be down for that.
CrazySponge: no, no! they're mine!
[CrazySponge runs off with the tray.]
Matchy: Wait, how did he get here? I thought he was arguing with Golf.
Lock: It got boring pretty quick so I put an end to it.
Matchy: 🎵Well I doubt '21 will be a change, every year on this site is really strange🎵
Primitive: Wait, wait, wait!!!!
[The music suddenly stops, again.]
Primitive: That's it! That's the true meaning of Christmas!
Matchy: wait wu-
Primitive: It doesn't matter how fucking bizarre and weird we are! It just matters that we're here… as a family.
[pause]
Lock: Well that's dumb.
Primitive: Well do you have any better ideas?
Lock: Well no but I was expecting something a little less cheesy and overdone.
Primitive: I mean this is The World of SBFW?
Lock: You mean the literal world of the show?
Primitive: It doesn't matter. But what does matter is that we're all here together. Thanks, everyone. (looks at the camera) And you too. Thank you for watching (or reading) my crappy show.
Polar: Hey, I write it too.
Primitive: Yeah, second billing.
CrazySponge: wait a second arent we supposed to avoid large gatherings
[pause]
Everyone: OH GOD OH FUCK
[The granolavirus infects everyone and they all fucking die. The words "Merry Christmas" show up as everyone dies. The goddamn fucking end. Happy Holidays. Go spend time with your family, you social reject.]
Golfpecks: You could be a little nicer, Mr. Text Man.
[Shut up or I'll make sure Santa doesn't get you those strawberries. I'm trying to end the episode.]
Golfpecks: Santa doesn't exist. He's just a pathetic distraction from the real reason we have Christmas.
[Just shut up already.]
Golfpecks: Fine. Bah humbug.
[end]
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
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