The Last Barfighter/Quotes

:Bart: Milhouse, you know Spanish, what did he say?
:Milhouse: Oh, it's a cultural thing. You wouldn't get it, e stupido.
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:Bart: Look what I won on Spanish Krusty!
:(Homer spits out his Horchata)
:Homer: Oh my God. That is not just any crystal skull, it's Calavera Gritando. That tequila's so authentic that it inspired George Clooney to make his own semi-authentic tequila!
:Bart: Wait, my skull is full of booze? That's why it has a screw cap.
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:(Lisa, Sherri and Terri arrive in front of Homer's car)
:Terri: Isn't that your dad?
:Lisa: No...
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:Lenny: Whoa, a Crystal skull. Like from my least favorite Indiana Jones movie and most favorite Shia LaBeouf movie.
:Moe: Ok, this booze is so classy, I'm finally breaking out my commemorative Iran hostage crisis shot glasses.
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:Lenny: You know, Moe, all these years, we've never seen you drink.
:Moe: Well, you know, a bartender ain't supposed to drink with his regulars. It's frowned upon.
:Lenny: By whom?
:Moe: Not some secret society that I go to every night after closing time, if that's what you're thinking.
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:Helen Lovejoy: Excuse me, could you move? My husband and I would love to sit on this bench and comment on how the elephant seals are "living the life".
:Reverend Lovejoy: It's the only joke in our entire marriage.
:Moe: Oh, that's not what I hear. The real joke is that you two haven't pushed the ole twin beds together since before the election. Of Obama. To the Senate! (Barney, Carl, Lenny, Homer and Moe all laugh as Helen and Reverend Lovejoy walk away)
:Lenny: How'd you know about their sexless marriage?
:Moe: Oh, Mrs. Lovejoy blabbed about it to her bartender, who then told me.
:Carl: Hey, wait, you bartenders tell each other the stuff we say in drunken confidence?
:Moe: Oh, we sure do. Look what else I know. (Points at Patty and Selma Bouvier) You file your taxes as one person. (Points at Kent Brockman) You sell all your pets each time you go on vacation. (Looks at Mayor Quimby) Hey, you're two-timing us by also being the mayor of another town.
:Quimby: I swear, Greenview means nothing to me.
:Lenny: Hey, I love hot goss as much as the next guy, but maybe you shouldn't be spilling people's secrets.
:Moe: Secrets. You mean like you not asking out anyone on a date in years because you're ashamed of your wet spaghetti arms?
:Lenny: What woman could feel held by these?
:Moe: (Looks at Carl) Or how you keep yammering about your million-dollar invention? File the patent already, you coward! (Looks at Barney) Or how 'bout Barney over here? Always going on about how much you love your mother, but you haven't visited her in years.
:Barney: She still thinks I work at AutoZone. I can't tell her they fired me for huffing floormat cleaner!
:Homer: Moe, you've officially gone from fun drunk to mean drunk.
:Moe: You judging me? You're the one who said you're so scared of being a lousy father and husband that you hide out at the bar instead of going home and actually tryin'. (Homer gasps and drops the Crystal skull to the ground. The Crystal skull breaks.)
:Homer: You're worse than a mean drunk. You're an honest drunk!
:Moe: No! You guys are the drunks. I am just wasted. Baba-boo. (Everyone gets up and leaves)
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:Artemis: The penalty for your offense is far greater than mere expulsion. Your friends, your regulars are to be -- "cut off". (Bartenders gasp)
:Moe: Cut off?! No, that's too horrible. You can't do that to them.
:Artemis: You did this to them. They have until the clock strikes "happy hour". (Points at the clock which has a glass symbol, during the 5:00PM mark)
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:Moe: Guys, you're all in danger, you... Oh, sorry. I've never been in your office before.
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:Lenny: Anti-booze? That stuff isn't real.
:Moe: Oh, it's real, and the side effects are horrible. Unthinkable. It starts with a skull-splitting headache. (Barney's head starts controlling him in pain as he hits his head against a wall) Then you got your firehose sweating. (Sweat comes out of Barney's skin) Rhinoceros pox. (Rhino horns start coming out of Barney) And finally, hurricane vomiting. (Barney starts vomiting off-screen, Lenny, Carl and Homer watch in disgust)
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:Female bartender: (Speaking in German, in subtitles) Oktoberfest is now soberfest.
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:Homer: Marge, pack what you need and choose one kid. We're leaving Springfield forever.
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:Moe: From now on, you can spray your own pans, America. Heh.
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:Lenny: Who knew you could drink water in a bar?
:Moe: It's, uh, still watered down.