Gumby: The Movie Review

Bob: For as long as I can remember, I've been fascinated by stop-motion animation.
We cut to a clip from Mickey Mouse's debut appearance, "Plane Crazy" (not "Steamboat Willie"), and then to a clip from the Wallace and Gromit short film, "The Wrong Trousers".
Bob: *voiceover* Using animation as a means of achieving the impossible is hardly a new idea, but to do the impossible with physical objects, which should have their own specific limitations, just makes it all the more fascinating to me.
After that, we cut to various clips of Gumby, who is the focal point of this review.
Bob: *voiceover* And there's probably no better spokesman for doing the impossible than Gumby. Skating without skates, walking into books like they're other realities, taking all kinds of punishment that would kill anything else, Gumby truly embodies the endless possibilities that stop-motion is capable of. 
Bob: And, I'm hardly alone in the Gumby fandom. With millions of fans all over the world, a full-length feature starring Gumby would naturally be a huge success.
The film's budget ($3,000,000) and gross ($57,100) are displayed beside a poster for the film we're about to see, accompanied by the famous "wah-wah" sound effect, both of which symbolize the film's commercial failure.
Bob: Or maybe it'll flop so hard, that it'll make "John Carter" look like freaking "Avatar". (the James Cameron film)
Posters for the first three "Care Bears" movies are shown, followed by their respective grosses underneath.
* The Care Bears Movie - $23,000,000
* Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation - $8.5 Million
* The Care Bears: Adventures in Wonderland - $2.6 Million
Bob: *voiceover* I mean, my god! Even the Care Bears movies did better than this! Is this movie really so bad, that it couldn't even drag its own fans spanning several decades into the theater?
Bob: Well, let's take a look at "Gumby: The Movie" and try to see where everything went wrong.
He presses a button on his DVD remote and switches over the movie, where it opens on a starry sky with "a PREMAVISION production" fading in from the background.
Bob: *voiceover* This Gumby movie opens in a traditional Gumby setting: *in a dramatic, echoing voice* IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAA- *normal voice* Wait, what? 
The title for the movie comes up, and it's surprisingly not called "Gumby: The Movie".
Bob: *voiceover* Oh, and apparently this movie isn't called "Gumby: The Movie", but "Gumby 1". 
Bob: You know, it's pretty pretentious to just assume that your movie's gonna be so great that, of course, it's going to warrant a sequel, but literally calling it "Gumby 1"? Really? *voiceover* After the opening credits, we see a space alien watching an old Gumby cartoon from the 50s, and... this somehow this makes the monolith from "2001: A Space Odyssey" turn into the slabs of clay that Gumby and Pokey come from, which then fly down to Earth, where they land in a city made of Lucky Charms marshmallows, and- 
Bob: Two minutes in, and this movie already lost everyone. Settle in, people, we're in for quite a mind-blow here. 
Pokey lands and takes shape on the Gumbasia Clay Set, but Gumby flies right past it. 
Pokey: Nuts. I thought he wanted to land here. 
Bob: *voiceover, as Pokey* So much for my asking in what we were doing in space to begin with. *normal voice* Pokey spends the next few minutes looking for Gumby, who's looking at a couple of books on various types of dances. 
Gumby phases out of one of the books, knocking Pokey over. 
Bob: *voiceover, as Pokey* Hey, Gumby, what was the point of this scene? *as Gumby* Never question me or I'll cut you! *normal voice* So Gumby and his friends drive to their farm, only to find some distressing news. 
Farm Lady: *crying* The E-Z Loan company is taking our farms, because we can't make our payments! I just can't tell my children they won't have a home anymore! 
Bob: Oh, don't cry, ma'am. There's a nice "Anne-Frank" book over that way. I'm sure it's a nice place to raise your kids. *voiceover* Gumby and his new friends, the Clayboys, decide to put on a benefit concert to raise money for the farmers. You're probably asking, "Wait a minute, who are the Clayboys? Weren't Pokey, Prickle, and Goo members of Gumby's band?" 
Bob: Actually, there is a very simple answer to that question. *beat* No, there isn't. these people have no reason for being here. *voiceover* So Gumby starts morphing to the music, and this somehow makes his dog, Lowbelly, cry out a pearl. Sure, the question of how a dog can cry freaking pearls is a perfectly legitimate one, but here's my question: whatever happened to Gumby's dog, Nopey? 
We cut back and fourth to various clips of Gumby having a conversation with his dad, Gumbo, with Bob's voice dubbing over them. 
Bob: *voiceover, as Gumby* Dad, have you seen my dog, Nopey? *as Gumbo* We, uh, sold him to a farm where he'll be happier. *as Gumby* But we live on a farm. *as Gumbo* Your dog's dead, kid! *normal voice* Gumby finds the pearl, and takes it to Professor Kapp to be analyzed. 
Gumby phases through the wall of Professor Kapp's lab, accidentally knocking over an entire shelf of chemicals. 
Gumby: Oh, I'm awfully sorry, professor! 
Professor Kapp: Oh, don't worry, son. No harm done. 
Bob: *as Professor Kapp* You just spilled all the chemicals I was going to sell to bio-terrorists, but no harm done. *voiceover* The pearl turns out to be legit, and expensively so, and Gumby proceeds to give his rock concert. 
Professor Kapp: *sitting on a picnic blanket with Prickle and Goo* Oh, my! This music does things to my brain! 
Prickle: It does things to my spine. *shakes his tail* 
Bob: I'm confused, since when does clay have brains and spines? *voiceover* Also in attendance are the Blockheads, Gumby's arch-rivals who have absolutely no motivation for being Gumby's arch-rivals, nor any motivation for even seeing this concert in the first place. 
Gumby and Pokey both sink onto the floor as Lowbelly continues to cry pearls from the music. 
Bob: *voiceover* They spot Lowbelly crying from what they think is the music, and collect the resulting pearls. Instead of doing the logical thing and taking him right then and there where everyone is distracted by the loud music and shape-shifting lump of clay, the Blockheads instead wait to follow Gumby to a restaurant, and then take Lowbelly, where there are plenty of witnesses and even police cars driving around. 
Bob: Come on, guys, just because you're 'the Blockheads', it doesn't mean that you have to be stupid about it. *voiceover* But they manage to make off with Lowbelly, and they take him into a robotics lab, where they make a robotic clone of it. After they put the robot dog in Lowbelly's place, Gumby meets a talent agent, who's a bizarre hybrid of Groucho Marx and W.C. Fields. 
Lucky Claybert: Hey, you may call me Lucky. Young man, you're going to make television history. 
Gumby: As long as we can help the small farmers. *runs off* 
Lucky: ...Farmers? *scratches his head* 
Bob: *voiceover, as Lucky* This concept of farmers confuses my simple, ancient mind. *normal voice* The Blockheads try to get Lowbelly to cry more pearls, but the recorded music doesn't seem to work. 
Computer Voice: Subject will respond only to live music by same instruments. 
Bob: *as the computer voice* I know that despite not knowing anything about this dog or his behavior. *normal, voiceover* We then cut back to Gumby's farm, where we see groupies, Tara and Ginger, stalk the premises. 
Cut to a clip of a small, bee-like creature called the Groobee building a wooden cage around a Dalmatian. 
Bob: No, no, no, no. I said groupies, not Groobees. 
Inside the barn, Lucky is trying to convince Gumby to sign a record deal. 
Lucky: Young man, you have a unique talent, and a perfect medium for that talent is video music television. You do your thing over videotape and disc, and everybody will know you overnight. 
Bob: *as Lucky* I should know, I managed this little starlet named Rebecca Black, and look where she is now. *normal voice* So Gumby signs on with Lucky after crushing to death in a dozen or so bales of hay, and the Blockheads coincidentally arrive, posing as a camera crew. And simply wearing a blue hat is enough to make Gumby not recognize his arch-rivals in the slightest. They can easily just morph into anything else to hide their identities, but no, apparently all you need is a hat. 
Bob is suddenly seen wearing a top hat with a checkered bow around the base and rabbit ears sticking out. 
Bob: Don't recognize me now, do 'ya? *voiceover* The Blockheads load up the Clayboys in the back of their van, and none of them question why they aren't being escorted in some other mode of transportation that has, you know, seats. They make robot clones of the Clayboys, and program one of them to capture Gumby. I guess this makes more sense than simply getting Gumby with the rest of the Clayboys, since... umm... Anyway, Gumby is abducted and Prickle, Pokey, and Goo have to give Lowbelly a bath. 
Prickle puts the robotic clone of Lowbelly into the tub, but after it enters the water, it begins to short-circuit and explode. 
Pokey: Holy Toledo! What happened? 
Goo: I think something awful has happened to Lowbelly! 
Bob: Gee, I wonder what gave you that idea? Was it when the dog just uppin' exploded? *voiceover* The Blockheads now have their own complete Clayboy band, but even that isn't enough to get any more pearls out of Lowbelly. 
Bob: I'll show you how to make the dog cry. *takes out a sharp knife, voiceover* The Gumby robot goes off to get the rest of Gumby's friends- again, why not just get everyone at once?- but, Goo takes it out of commission. 
Lucky: *in his car beside Tara and Ginger's* What's this TV truck doing here? 
Goo: *on the hood* Gumby and the Clayboys were kidnapped in it. 
Prickle: Yeah, we don't know where they are. 
Tara: We know where they are. 
Bob: And the moral of the story is, it's OK to be a stalker. It may just save the day in the end. *voiceover* So they follow Tara and Ginger to the Robot book, and Prickle says something that's relatively intelligent. 
Prickle: Let's call the police. 
Lucky: Oh, no time for that, Prickle. 
Bob: Why don't you just grab the whole book and take it to the police station? *voiceover* No, they handle the Blockheads themselves rather effortlessly, and they find the real Gumby and Clayboys. 
Gumby: *after waking up* Whatever happened? And who's playing that music so badly? 
Bob: Only one band could play music this badly. 
Cut to a clip from "The Making of the Coming Out of Their Shells Tour" of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles playing music on the Radio City Music Hall. 
Lucky: *looking at his watch* We better go to your studio now. The camera and sound crews will be there shortly. 
Bob: *voiceover* So they leave for the studio, and instead of now calling the police to have the Blockheads arrested for kidnapping and stealing billions of dollars worth of robotics equipment, they just leave them alone to escape. 
Cut to a clip from "Mystery Science Theater 3000" of Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, and Tom Servo watching/riffing on a film called "Space Mutiny". 
Tom Servo: Yes, a man born without a brain stem. 
Bob: *voiceover* They reactivate the Gumby robot and use it to abduct Goo... for some reason, and Gumby grabs a lasso out of an old western videotape to get her back. And most of the other tapes on the shelf are, naturally, Gumby collections. Yeah, someone who's never even been on TV before apparently has video collections. Wrap your brain around that, if you can. Gumby tries to save Goo, but that kinda fails, and the robot proceeds to chase Gumby all over this... toy shop-library-video store place? He goes into some "Knights of the Round Table" video and tries to find a suit of armor and a sword. The blacksmith's all out of swords, but he makes a suit for him, nonetheless. 
Blacksmith: You're an odd shape, but that should do it. 
Bob: *voiceover* Yeah, apparently this blacksmith can whip up a completely original and unique suit of armor in no time flat, but he can't make a simple sword? 
Bob: There's also a fundamental flaw with Gumby even needing a suit of armor to begin with. You might've seen it in an earlier part, but if you didn't catch it, well, don't worry. You'll see it again momentarily. *voiceover* Gumby tries to pull out the sword in the stone, but the robot manages to do it himself. Here's a question: do the actions of characters not native to the book end up changing the story itself? 
Cut to a clip from "The NeverEnding Story III" as Slip, the leader of a group of bullies called the Nasties (played by Jack Black), is holding the titular NeverEnding Story. 
Slip: Now, how can something that's happening right now... be in this book? *smacks himself on the head* It ain't possible! 
Bob: *voiceover* The robot chases Gumby into a castle, and the Knights of the Round Table aren't at all surprised by the sight of two sticks of chewing gum walking around. 
While one of the knights is talking to Sir Lancelot, who has dark skin for some reason, the video zooms in on him. 
Bob: *voiceover* Wait, that's Sir Lancelot? 
Bob: Apparently, Guinevere had jungle fever. 
Cut to a clip from "First Knight", where King Arthur, played by Sean Connery, screams in aguish. 
King Arthur: WHYYYYYYY?! 
Yellow Knight: Hey, green one up there! Here, catch this! *throws the real Gumby his sword* 
Gumby: Thanks, sir knight. 
Bob: *voiceover, as Gumby* Go back to using the legendary Round Table as a place to sloppily eat your meals instead of as a symbolic place to share your ideas! *normal voice* They continue fighting, and it's here that we see the problem with not only Gumby needing a suit of armor, but a problem regarding the entire movie. Gumby can get sliced in half and not die. It's impossible to get any sense of drama from the peril if no actual harm can come to the hero. It'd be like in "The Lion King" where Mufasa gets caught in the wildebeest stampede, but he's just fine regardless. 
Simba goes over to check on his dad, and he gets up with barely a scratch. 
Bob: *voiceover, as Simba* Dad? *as Mufasa* Yes, son? *as Simba* You're alive! *as Mufasa* Yep, no biggie. *normal voice* It's no better when Gumby leads the robot into a "Star Wars" knock-off, and they have themselves a little lightsaber battle. Gumby gets sliced into half a dozen pieces, but he just gets up and shrugs it off. 
Bob: Well done, movie, you made the ending of "The Phantom Menace" as emotionally engaging as the end of "Return of the Jedi". *voiceover* Meanwhile, Pokey and Gumby's dad pull up to the robotics book. 
Gumbo: Are you sure Gumby told you to meet him here? 
Pokey: That's what Prickle told me. 
Bob: It should also be noted that, at this point, I'm watching the director's cut of this movie, which is apparently missing a few scenes from the original cut. As far as I know, there might be a scene where Gumby told Prickle to tell his dad to meet him at the book. But, as of now, the last scene we saw them together was at their last practice. So, yeah, this doesn't make any sense. *voiceover* The robot tracks Gumby back to the book, and Gumbo shorts the robot out. 
The Gumby Robot begins to melt after being sprayed with a fire hose, revealing bits and pieces of its endoskeleton, while a voice clip from MST3K plays in the background. 
Tom Servo: *voice* Oh, look at that robot! Oh, that's disgusting! *tries not to puke* 
Bob: *voiceover* The Clayboy robots go after them, and they short out, too, just by walking in the water. Worst. Killbots. Ever. Gumby sics the Groobee on the Blockheads- which no one thought to do earlier, because?- and they're rendered helpless. 
Bob: What is a Groobee, you ask? 
The opening title of the Groobee's debut appearance, simply called "The Groobee", appears to the left of Bob. 
Bob: Well, just go ahead and watch this Gumby cartoon. It's far less head-scratching than this movie is. So, Goo is rescued, the Blockheads face justice by being forced to do slave labor, and Gumby and the Clayboys can finally start shooting their music video. 
Gumby: Fellas, where is Nobuckle? 
Thinbuckle: *chuckles* Where else? 
Fatbuckle: Just look for the Zs. 
Nobuckle is fast asleep, but soon wakes up. 
Nobuckle: I'm coming, I'm coming. *yawns* 
Bob: *pretending to laugh* Now, that is classic Nobuckle right there, always sleeping on the job, just like in that earlier scene when... we... never saw him sleeping before. *shrugs, voiceover* They start shooting their video, and... 
The song starts playing as Gumby mounts Pokey while wearing a ten-gallon hat. 
Bob: *voiceover* ...Suddenly, Stan Bush has taken over the soundtrack. 
We cut to a scene from "The Transformers: The Movie" (1986), featuring Optimus's final battle with Megatron. 
Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped, no matter the cost. 
Optimus transforms and starts driving towards the war-ravaged Autobot City, shooting some Decepticons along the way, while the song from the music video in "Gumby: The Movie" dubs over Stan Bush's "The Touch". 
Megatron: Prime! 
Optimus Prime: One shall stand, one shall fall. 
Megatron: Why throw away your life so recklessly? 
Optimus Prime: That's a question you should ask yourself, Megatron. 
Megatron: No! I'll crush you with my bare hands! 
Bob: *voiceover* The next four minutes is just this music video, which I guess was done all in one take despite various location changes, and it's actually a pretty fun sequence since it can just be Gumby doing whatever the animators want him to do without having to be burdened with a folding narrative that makes any sense. And if you're a fan of early 90s cheese, this video's for you. 
Gumby starts doing various types of dances seen earlier in the film with Tara, followed by both of them riding a rhinoceros and knocking down a red and green wall made up of the Blockheads'... well, heads. 
Bob: *voiceover* So, the movie ends with Gumby and pals having a picnic with their farmer neighbors. 
Gumby: *holding a pearl* With the money from the video tapes, and from these pearls, we can make loans to help to save a lot of farms and send the kids to college! 
Bob: And since most of the money was raised by a dog's tears, today's problem was solved by what, kids? 
"Animal Abuse!" is displayed on-screen. 
Kids: *voiceover* Animal abuse! 
Bob: That's right. 
Gumby and Pokey are standing on a hill, overlooking the farmland. 
Gumby: Well, mission accomplished, Pokey! 
Pokey: Yeah, things are looking up around here now. 
Bob: *voiceover* So, Gumby and Pokey transform back into slabs, fly off into space, and bookend the movie just as confusingly as when it began. 
Bob: And that was "Gumby: The Movie". How does it hold up? *voiceover* Well, it's kinda hard to really rip on something that I loved this much from my childhood, but it is easy to see why it flopped as hard as it did. The story is full of holes and it doesn't advance or build upon Gumby's world, the characters are as flat as the clay they're sculpted from, and even the animation isn't even all that impressive. 
Cut to a scene from Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas". 
Bob: *voiceover* Seriously, it's kind of hard for me to believe a lot of these animators went on to do "The Nightmare Before Christmas", the definitive stop-motion feature. 
Bob: But I can't deny that there is a charm to Gumby and his pals, even if you can't quite identify what that charm is. It's not perfect, but I guess a little green slab of clay moving around doesn't have to be perfect. *signs off* Catch you later. 
The rest of the music video from earlier plays over the credits. 
Category:Transcripts
Category:Well-Animated Schlock