Between the Lions: Alphabet Soup Jokes

This is a list of all jokes told in the Between the Lions game, "Alphabet Soup."
Notes:
* The words in bold are the missing words, and what makes the joke (almost) funny.
* Most of these jokes are modified from their original appearance in the game.
==Jokes==
*Apart from Tuesday, what two days begin with the letter T? Thursday and TOMORROW.
*How do astronauts keep clean in space? They take meteor SHOWERS.
*How do leopards stop a VCR? They press the PAWS button.
*How do you communicate with a fish? Drop her a LINE.
*How do you fix a broken chimp? With a MONKEY wrench.
*How do you keep a skunk from smelling? You hold its NOSE.
*How do you know that the ocean is friendly? It WAVES.
*How do you know when a giraffe is in your bed? By the big G on his PAJAMAS.
*How do you stop a bull from charging? Take away its credit CARD.
*How many oranges grow on a tree? ALL of them.
*What are monkeys' favorite cookies? Chocolate CHIMP cookies.
*What are two things you can't have for breakfast? Lunch and DINNER.
*What did Delaware? A NEW Jersey.
*What did Dollar Bill name his daughter? PENNY.
*What did one centipede say to the other? "Ow! You stepped on my FOOT, my foot, my foot, my foot..."
*What did the attorney name her daughter? SUE.
*What did the bee say to the flowers? "What time do you OPEN?"
*What did the calendar maker name her daughters? April, May, and JUNE.
*What did the duck say to the rooster in the morning? "QUACK-a-doodle-doo."
*What did the duck say when she bought lipstick? "Put it on my BILL."
*What did the fire say to the firefighter? "Take me to your LADDER."
*What did the grape say when it was squashed? Nothing. It just gave out a little WHINE.
*What did the hot dog say when he finished the race? "I'm the WIENER."
*What did the judge say when the skunk entered the courtroom? "ODOR in the court."
*What did the tablecloth say to the table? "I've got you COVERED."
*What do pigs use to write top-secret messages? Invisible OINK.
*What do you call a bee who buzzes very quietly? A MUMBLE bee.
*What do you call a guy who lives on your doorstep? MAT.
*What do you call a skeleton who sleeps all day? LAZY bones.
*What do you call baby cats who live in a skyscraper? KITTENS.
*What do you dog if your dog chews the backseat of the car? You put her in the FRONT seat.
*What does a ghost like to spread on its bagels? SCREAM cheese.
*What furniture polish do schools use? PLEDGE of Allegiance.
*What group did the Three Little Pigs join? The boy SNOUTS.
*What happens if you don't clean your mirror? You get a dirty LOOK.
*What is an octopus? An eight-sided CAT.
*What is small, gray, and has an enormous trunk? A MOUSE going on vacation.
*What is something that gives milk and has only one horn? A milk TRUCK.
*What is the best way to catch a squirrel? Climb a TREE and act like a nut.
*What is the difference between a color TV and a newspaper? You can't SWAT a fly with a color television.
*What is the favorite year for a kangaroo? LEAP year.
*What is the hardest way to eat spaghetti? Through a STRAW.
*What is the longest word in the dictionary? Smiles, because there is a MILE between the first and last letters.
*What kind of bow is impossible to tie? A RAINBOW.
*What kind of phones do prisoners use? CELL phones.
*What metal do burglars like best? STEEL.
*What sea creature is always grumpy? A CRAB.
*What stays hot in the refrigerator? MUSTARD.
*What time is it when an elephant sits on your watch? Time to BUY a new watch.
*What's in the middle of nowhere? The LETTER H.
*What's smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling BEE.
*What's the safest part of a haunted house? The LIVING room.
*When is a basketball like a baby? When it DRIBBLES.
*When is it time to go to the dentist? TOOTH-hurty.
*Where are the biggest diamonds in the world? In baseball PARKS.
*Where did the cow go on Saturday night? To the MOOOOO-VIES.
*Where did the dentist go on her vacation? To the MOUTH of the Mississippi.
*Where did the spaghetti go to dance? To a MEATBALL.
*Where do snowflakes dance? At the SNOWBALL.
*Where does a snowman put his money? In a snow BANK.
*Which animal eats with its tail? All of them, because none takes it OFF to eat.
*Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday, because the others are WEAK days.
*Which knight designed King Arthur's round table? SIR Cumference.
*Which president has the sharpest teeth? JAWS Washington.
*Which two keys are too big to fit in your pockets? A monkey and a DONKEY.
*Why can't monkeys play cards in the jungle? There are too many CHEETAHS.
*Why couldn't Cinderella play sports? She always ran away from the BALL.
*Why couldn't the butterfly go to the dance? It was a MOTH ball.
*Why did the chef run out of the kitchen? The cookbook said to crack an egg, then BEAT it.
*Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other SLIDE.
*Why did the dinosaur cross the road? CHICKENS weren't invented yet.
*Why did the elephant have a terrible vacation? The airline lost his TRUNK.
*Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? To keep from falling into the HOT chocolate.
*Why did the girl eat her homework? Her teacher told her it was a piece of CAKE.
*Why did the hippopotamus cross the road? It was the chicken's DAY off.
*Why did the lion want to eat the tightrope walker? To have a well-balanced MEAL.
*Why do giraffes have long necks? Their feet SMELL.
*Why do magnets make such good friends? They always STICK together.
*Why do rhinos have so many wrinkles? Rhinos are very hard to IRON.
*Why is crossing a road like music? You will B flat if you don't C SHARP.
*Why isn't it safe to tell secrets on a farm? The CORN has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.
*Why was the little snake that he wasn't poisonous? He just BIT his tongue.
*Why was the math textbook very sad? It had so many PROBLEMS.
*Why will sharks eat anything but clowns? They taste FUNNY.