Biblically Accurate Allsphere

Category:Joke
Category:Cosmology
Category:Story
ASCIIN SERIES
As it turned out, being a god was actually very boring. Asciin floated around in the Hypercosmic Ocean of Realities, without a care in the world. At first, it was fun, and relaxing. Everything was so peaceful. But he still had a human mind, and human minds require stimulation, which he wasn't getting much of by sitting around and floating mindlessly. Then, he had a bright idea: he would make his own Allsphere! He'd seen the Weaver do it plenty of times by now, so he got the gist. Before long, a little circular object was bobbing up and down in front of him, waiting to be filled to the brim with cosmologies.
Or not, he thought. Maybe I'll just start with one universe...
So he manifested a single universe inside his Allsphere, and then manifested himself inside of it as an avatar. The first thing he noticed was that it was a desolate, empty expanse; somehow, he'd added an ocean to it, but that was all. He couldn't even see; he only knew that there was an ocean because he could sense everything within his creation; he'd given himself that ability.
"Can I get some light in here?" he asked, to no one in particular. And so, there was light. "Great," he remarked. "Now, let's get a day-night cycle going..." before long, the light faded, and the darkness returned, only for the light to eventually come back again, creating the first day in this Allsphere. "Okay, now let's set up a sky." He waved his hand, and there was a brilliant blue dome above him, stretching out to infinity on all sides. He watched it for a while, until the second day had passed. "Hmm, this place needs some land," he murmured, pulling the water into one place, the sea, and adding in some land to go with it. Out of something like sentimentality, he named the land "Earth," not that he was yet planning to share it with anyone, meaning that it didn't really need a name. "And some plants." The previously barren land suddenly came alive with all manner of plants- grass and trees and fruits and grains.
Asciin was pretty happy with his new garden, and he spent the rest of the third day in it. However, when night came around again, he noticed that something was missing.
"I forgot the stars!" He slapped himself in the face. What an obvious oversight! He spent the rest of the fourth day creating all of the constellations from memory; he wasn't sure Ursa Major had been this fat in his own universe, but it was close enough. Then, he added a sun for the day and a moon for the night. They were beautiful, but they didn't change, and by the end of the day, he was bored yet again.
"This place needs animals," he declared on the fifth day. He filled the sea with fish, and the sky with birds. "Now, go reproduce," he ordered them, well aware that the animals didn't understand him. "I want there to be a large number of you by the end of the day." He also understood that it would take more than a day for even a single newborn animal to be conceived, grown from a fetus, and born, but didn't see the harm in having a little ambition.
On the sixth day, irritatedly noting that while the animals of the sky and sea had been dutifully engaging in reproductive activities a lot without yet producing children, he decided that it was time to add land animals. He was pretty happy with how it had turned out, all in all, despite having to correct multiple initial mistakes, such as a dog with a fifth paw extending at an awkward angle from its left nostril. That one was never meant to exist, and never would, if he could help it.
Finally, he created humans, because things simply wouldn't be interesting enough without sapient life-forms. He based them off of himself, as he was the closest thing to a human that he had on hand at the time. There was no issue creating the male, which was basically a carbon-copy of himself, minus the cosmic power, but he had some difficulty with the female, since he'd never spent too long examining women in his mortal lifetime. Eventually, though, he got it done.
"Go make babies," he ordered them, and since they could actually understand him, they listened. "Your descendants are going to rule this world, and govern all the animals." He paused. "No, that won't end badly at all," he told himself, uncomfortably remembering how that had panned out with the version of humanity that he came from.
For a while, he was content to simply watch the two of them wander around the garden, idly eat the food he provided them, and do... other things. He may have been a deity, but he was also a 17-year-old boy. Eventually, though, he found himself to still be bored.
"I need a little drama," he commented. To spice things up, he added a tree, and on it grew forbidden fruit; he told the two humans that they could never eat it, or else. Or else what, he hadn't quite decided yet, but he felt that it was a good idea to give them some vague sense of a punishment for disobeying him. There was just one problem.
The humans resisted the temptation just fine. And that wasn't much fun at all.
He sent down a snake to convince one of the humans to eat the fruit. She was reluctant at first, but the snake was very persuasive, and eventually she caved. Then, Asciin had some fun with his new booming voice that he was trying out, cast them out of the garden to really up the scandal level, and rewarded the snake with legs. Then, remembering that he was supposed to be against the consumption of the fruit, promptly created a burning and torturous hellscape that he unceremoniously tossed it into for its crimes. When the snake protested his unfairness, he took back its legs and, despite it not really having buttocks, gave it a thorough spanking for good measure. He pulled the garden clean from the Earth, and posted an angelic figure- which he accidentally set on fire, but decided that it was more intimidating what with all the screaming in pain- to guard it.
The humans, now living together in a barren wasteland, produced two brothers, who regularly gave Asciin the food they farmed. Seeing the two brothers and wondering how long it would take humanity to become a proper species, he remembered that inbreeding was a thing, and discreetly spawned in a few thousand more adult humans. Meanwhile, one of the bothers, who farmed livestock and was often praised by Asciin for his wonderful meat, was murdered by the other, who produced rather bland vegetables, in a rage. As a punishment, Asciin took away his ability to age and forced him to walk circles around the Earth barefoot, and painfully tattooed an eldritch symbol into his forehead that told any other human: "Look, I know this guy has lived a really long time, and is desperate to be put out of his misery, but I'll do something awful to you if you kill him, so just walk away, pal."
From there, he was never bored. Humans constantly generated their own new developments without further input from him, though he occasionally saw that things were getting out of hand and rained down divine judgement on them, once literally. Those were a very wet, moist forty days. He interfered less and less, though, leaving a tiny number of humans wondering whether he'd ever existed at all; they'd all be burned at the stake for heresy for the next few millennia, so he didn't worry much about the possibility that they'd one day rival his devotees in number. Then, one day, he noticed something very interesting.
"Oh, look, they've written a book about me."
Category:Special Event
Category:Christmas