Chapter 4- KNOCKOUT

~KNOCKOUT~
*insert dream sequence here*
…
Woah, okay.
That was a bit weird.
Cupid sat up in his bed, staring at the sheets for a few minutes. No thoughts, his head mostly empty, aside from the realization that that felt more like a memory than a dream.
Well, no matter, there’s not really any reason to worry about it.
Cupid yawned and swerved his legs to the side of his bed, opening the bedside table’s top drawer to reveal a cutesy pink notebook with little flowers on it, labeled “DREAM JOURNAL”. Tamagotchi had given it to him on his birthday last year, she said it would help him for one reason or another. He couldn’t exactly remember but he liked it nonetheless. It was getting pretty full, actually. He’d need to buy a new one soon.
He made a mental note to do so as he wrote down the events of his dream. 
*Description of his thoughts on it*
Cupid got up to put the journal away when he heard a window shatter behind him.
“You seemed lonely.” 
“OH MY F*CK! HOLY-”
“SHUT, that’s not nice.” She shoved her hand through the window, pointer finger resting where lips would be on someone who had them.
The Creature from yesterday finished climbing in his window, she was holding a hammer.
“For you.” She held it out to him like it was some prized possession.
“Is this the hammer you just used to break into my apartment?”
She looked confused, “No? Why would I give you a used present?” She pulled out another hammer, “This is the one I used to break into your apartment.”
“...If I wasn't a wanted criminal I would call the police.”
“I met them once, I tried to play hangman with them but they always died because they sucked so bad. Silly people, I wouldn’t use the letter ‘Z’ in a three letter word!”
Cupid quickly dialed up Kelpie because frankly, she was his best solution right now.
“Your dream was weird. OOOH WHAT’S THIS?” She reached under his bed and ruffled around for a bit before pulling out a very very old katana. Cupid never owned a katana. Why the hell was there a katana under his bed? Where the f*ck did it come from?
“It feels like sadness…” She frowned, then started bawling out tears of blood. 
Right onto his bedsheets.
“Can you please not cry blood onto my bed sheets it’s going to be so difficult to explain this to anyone who tries to sleep with me.”
“‘Don’t cry on my sheets’ he says, ‘I’m gonna call the police’ he says. That’s very hurtful, I’m very hurt, I’m going to tell Heidi Weidi. YOU DIDN’T EVEN WANT MY HAMMER!” She started crying harder, “I’m just feeling my feelings. You’re feeling double decker feelings but you don’t seem to know that so I won’t spoil it for you.”
Cupid screamed in annoyance, grabbing the arteries on his head before stomping over, picking up the intruder, and throwing her out the window she had so rudely destroyed.
Thinking about what he’d ever done to deserve this, he heard a yelp of surprise from outside.
“CUPID! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT HOOKUPS ON MONDAYS!”
He stooped out of the hole in his wall and spotted Kelpie holding the creature like a little princess, “I’M GAY YOU DUMB@SS. YOU LITERALLY KNOW THIS. WHY THE F*CK WOULD I BE F*CKING A WOMAN ON A MONDAY!”
“SHUT THE F*CK UP AND GET DOWN HERE!”
“F*CK YOU!” Cupid yelled, but did as she asked anyway, jumping out the broken window. Luckily, this distance was significantly smaller than when he tried jumping out of a window last time, so he swiftly landed on his feet and was perfectly fine, aside from being an angry ball of rage.
“What is this!?” Kelpie held out the window murderer by the scruff of her neck.
“The bane of my current existence.” He said sourly.
“Sorry for missing out on the previous one!” the creature chirped.
Cupid sighed and then explained what this ‘amazing’ job offer entailed.
This also included having to explain that he completely disregarded everyone’s advice to “lay low” and took up a job to assassinate the most important figure in the multiverse.
At the end of this explanation, Kelpie promptly slapped him. Then the creature handed her the hammer she had tried to gift Cupid, with which Kelpie hit him again.
“OKAY, OKAY! I GET IT! Apparently this…thing is supposed to be ‘chaperoning’ me. So far it feels like the other way around.”
“Hi, yeah, this ‘thing’ is named Lady,” She smirked then tightened her grip on Kelpie. 
“Yeah whatever, I don’t know how long I can deal with this sh*t.” Kelpie sighed.
“You look like you’d taste good,”
“What was that?”
“I like pancakes but waffles are better food >:3.” Lady grinned.
“How did you just pronounce that?” Cupid asked.
“Greater than, colon, three. >:3,”
Cupid held his head in his hands and groaned, “Look, I really need you to help me with tonight,” he addressed Kelpie, “King's busy and there is no way in hell Tami's not going to report me for this one.”
“Fine. but only because Blaine’s is the best fight club in the Capital.”
“That’s because they put the losers on the menu.”
“Ok, and? Cry about it.”
◬⛛⟁⟁⟁⛛◬
Cupid, Kelpie, and the obnoxious brat they had learned went by Lady walked in the front entrance to the rowdy Barbeque place. Country music blasted in the background while people cheered at the two contestants currently in the ring. It was only 11:30, half an hour past their official opening, so not many people were here yet. The vibes, sadly, were not on point at the moment.
Kelpie waved to a few staff members, exchanging greetings and paying for entry while Cupid chose their seats for the show. Not too far in the front as to stay unnoticed, but not so far back that it would be suspicious. Lady sat directly behind him, her eye burning into the back of his neck.
Kelpie shuffled in next to him and started scrolling through the holographic menu on the table in front of them, swishing her tail and excitedly ordering way too much for her to actually eat at the moment. It's a good thing leftovers exist, she could always eat more later.
Sam could probably eat anything she couldn’t save, seeing as he was right next to them.
“Samuile! Hey!” Cupid leaned forward to greet the lad, completely unfazed by the dark figure who had suddenly appeared in the seat next to Kelpie.
A tentacle reached out from under Sam’s cloak, and he dipped his hat at the two of them. He then gazed up at Lady, who shifted her focus off of Cupid and onto the new figure.
“Ohhh, you’re pretty. And your thoughts feel good.”
“That's my… chaperone.” Cupid pointed, “my newest employer seems to have control issues and sent this lunatic after me.”
Sam nodded, seemingly satisfied with this answer, and ordered some plain lettuce off the menu. A few minutes later a little train brought his plate over and set it down in front of him.
Unsurprisingly, it was gone a few seconds later.
Cupid and the others passed the time by watching the fights and placing bets, standard things to do in this situation. Sam kept on ordering more lettuce of course. The silly heart boy kept his gaze on the door just in case his target arrived earlier, so he wasn’t paying attention when the announcer boasted out who was fighting next.
“AND TODAY, OUR DEFENDING CHAMPION RETURNS! Please welcome, ALEXEI!! The Russian polar-grizzly himself! He will fight in three matches tonight (if he makes it that long), the first two rounds are standard fight-to-food, but the last one is Alexei’s choice of opponent, ANYONE in this room right now may end up in the ring, so get your big-boy pants on and prepare for the worst. You signed the waivers folks!”
Cupid, still focused on the door, heard none of that whatsoever. Kelpie whacked him with her tail.
“Hopefully not you.” She joked.
“Yeah yeah, I bet I could take him,” Cupid disregarded her and continued watching the entrance. They just stared at him like he’d grown multiple other limbs, but shrugged it off.
The bell rang and the first fight started…and ended within a minute. The competitor stood no chance. They were quickly dragged out of the arena, screaming hysterically, hands grabbing at whatever would prevent them from being taken into the kitchen.
They failed, and Kelpie’s food arrived shortly after.
Cheers could be heard from all around, girlish screams of admiration and ‘WE LOVE YOU ALEX’ echoed throughout the pit. The second contender was quickly ushered in. they still seemed rather confident, even after just witnessing the last contender being flailed around like an empty potato sack.
Cupid’s door-staring finally paid off when the Emperix walked in at last. They seemed very happy to be here. Snapdragon had always enjoyed watching people fight. Physically, at least. The young ruler was practically about to explode with how much they were bouncing around.
Well hey! Now Cupid can get this over with and get his money.
As expected, the smiling eyeball entity quickly made their way over to the front row, right above all the action happening six feet below.
Sadly they had indeed sat on the other side of the auditorium, but it wasn’t that much of a problem.
“Sam, cloak me,” Cupid ordered. The void-being quickly did as told, blocking Cupid from the view of others while he pulled out and loaded a cyan sniper rifle.
He looked through the scope, aiming right at the Emperix’s pupil, hoping to whatever celestials hadn’t abandoned them that they could be killed by normal bullets.
They certainly couldn’t, but Cupid didn’t know that, so he put his finger on the trigger anyway. 
The second fight ended. Another meal served.
Cupid was just about to shoot when the announcer continued, “AND THAT CONCLUDES THE SECOND ROUND!” the person in front of him stood up and cheered, blocking his shot. He stepped out of full cover for just a second to get a better line,
“NOW ALEX, Who do you choose to fight you in the arena?” The announcer asked the question everyone was dreading, Cupid didn’t notice.
“You.” Alexei’s russian accent echoed through the speakers. 
The crowd got silent.
Spotlights found their way to where Cupid was barely visible. Luckily, his rifle was still hidden by Sam so he quickly shoved it away from his hands.
This was when he finally remembered to pay attention to his surroundings.
“ALRIGHTLY FOLKS, LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE ALEXEI’S FINAL CONTENDER RIGHT HERE! Everyone give them some applause, some good luck, and place your orders for dessert because this fight will be SWEET! Please make your way down to the ring!”
Cupid slowly turned to see not just his friends staring at him, but the entire audience. 
Kelpie shrugged then waved goodbye, “You’re f*cked, see you on a silver platter. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure a stranger doesn’t eat you.”
He turned and made eye contact with Alex.
Well f*ck this sh*t. Not him. Ain’t no way.
The 9-foot polar grizzly bear hybrid, who also happened to be one of Cupid’s exes, stared right back at him with about as much rage as you can fit in a blank expression. Which in Alexei’s case, was quite a lot.
Cupid tentatively made his way to certain death, hoping something, anything at all, would be gracious enough to help him.
“Empty your pockets and remove all weapons please.”
Sh*t.
There goes the little remaining hope that Cupid had. He was completely useless without any weapons, about as dangerous as a limp noodle.
Which was likely what they were going to turn him into after he lost this fight.
That is, if he actually participated in it in the first place.
One of the staff members held out a bag for him to empty his things into. Cupid proceeded to shoot him in the head and make a run for it.
Unfortunately the exit was blocked and he was subjugated to a much more… forceful approach to getting him inside due to his pathetic attempt at escape. This was an incredibly intrusive process. Cupid skidded to a stop as they threw him down into the pit, whimpering slightly.
“Looook, Lexi. Look at us! Back together again-”
“Don’t ‘Lexi’ me you h0rny b@stard.” Alexei prowled towards him.
“Ok ok ok,” Cupid wildly put his hands up and scooted back a bit, “Listen, listen. I’ll go easy on you if you drop the tough guy act. Yell my name one last time, eh?”
“THIS JUST IN! It seems our Alex here picked an EX LOVER to fight him, looks like someone wasn’t happy with how things ended.” the announcer boasted, gaining chuckles from the crowd above, “Well lucky for him, tonight is sure to bring closure. Give him one more cheer before we start the final round!”
More fanfolk screamed. Alexei even caught a rose in his teeth this time, face still in a snarl, angry eyes still focused on Cupid. Which, not gonna lie, was kind of hot. The best Cupid got was someone’s leftover apple core, which apparently came from Lady, who gave him a very enthusiastic thumbs down.
They started counting down.
3!
2!
1!
Cupid sighed heavily, then the starting bell rang.
He yelped and darted out of the way as Alex lunged, ready to maul him. Cupid’s best chance was to tire him out, but, using past knowledge, Alexei didn’t tire easily. The bear slid and used the wall for momentum, managing to barely swipe Cupid off balance. He frantically scrambled upright, at this point he was full on screaming.
“ALEX! ALEX IF YOU DON’T STOP I’LL TELL THE ENTIRE ARENA AN EMBARRASSING STORY ABOUT YOU! REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN-”
“You won’t be able to tell anyone sh*t once you’re on their plates!” Alexei retorted, tripping Cupid again.
Cupid was forced down on his back, catching a brief glimpse of the audience, including the enthusiastic face of the Emperix directly above him, before Alexei grabbed his legs and slammed him against the wall. 
Cupid took a pained breath in between whacks, “You’re a- you’re a little b*tch, you know that? OW-” Alex kicked him halfway across the ring. The heart boy managed to be on his feet by the time the living wrecking ball reached him. In a last ditch effort to not die, Cupid maneuvered his way onto Alexei’s back and used the last of his remaining strength to try and choke him.
“Been a while since we did this, no?” he managed to grunt out before Alex jumped up and slammed his back into the ground, sandwiching Cupid. Several bones cracked, even more broke. There go his partially-healed ribs.
“eugh…” he slumped lifelessly to the Sandy Ground.
3!
2!
1!
“KNOCKOUT!! Not like we expected anything less! It was like watching a meatball fight macaroni! Speaking of meatballs, I hope y’all are hungry!”
Well, this has been a fun journey, but it seems this is the end for us.
See you all in another life.
The room was spinning above Cupid’s head. The cheers of the crowd were muffled, almost like they were underwater. The only clear sound was a loud, piercing noise, seemingly coming from nowhere.
Cupid accepted his fate as he was delivered to the kitchen on cold, hard metal, leaving the world just like he came in.
(That wasn’t true, but he needed to be dramatic in his last moments.)
As the rest of his senses faded, he could hear the afterlife calling to him,
“Cupid…Cupid! You dumb@ss b!tch! what the absolute f*ck are you doing?”
The afterlife was kinda mean. If it always hurt his feelings like this, maybe he was a little less eager to die.
Seriously, it wasn’t this mean last time we were here, What the f*ck happened?
“CUPID! Oh my GOD. You always make me do everything.” 
Cupid felt himself being lifted up. To heaven? I think the f*ck not.
This unsatisfactory chain of events managed to knock some consciousness back into him. Not nearly enough to be helpful, but some.
“...Dad?” Cupid managed to muster.
There was an audible facepalm. Four of them, actually.
“No you dumb@ss, you’re my daddy.” the voice snapped at him in between what sounded like g*nshots.
“Oh, I’m pregnant?” Cupid fell unconscious once again.