The New Moonian Baby Remade

"The New Moonian Baby Remade", also known as "Leader Plankton! Remade: The Hunt for Jesus Sandal", is the twelfth episode of the first season of Leader Plankton! Remade, and the twelfth episode overall.
== Plot ==
President Snoop Dogg convinces Bikini Bottom that Squidward is Jesus, and starts a witch hunt with fatal consequences.
== Transcript ==
(The episode starts with President Snoop Dogg at a podium in front of the Bikini Bottom White House, speaking to an audience of Bikini Bottomites holding flaming pitchforks. He is standing beside a whiteboard covered in a black sheet.)
Snoop Dogg: Good evening Bikini Bottomites. I know y’all are very angry.
Gary: (with his shell broken) Meow…
Nurse Fish: I don’t have the funds to give this poor snail a new shell.
Fred Rechid: I broke My Leg!
Krabs: I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE WEED IS STILL LEGAL! THOSE POTHEADS PROBABLY GET OFF BY JACKING OFF INTO A BONG!
Mermaid Man: You couldn’t make a blackface cartoon anymore! Not in this PC world!
Barnacle Boy: AND THERE ARE STILL TR[dolphin chirp]S IN BIKINI BOTTOM!
Plankton: My business is FAILING due to the recession! No one wants to pay $20 for a Chum Pop!
SpongeBob: MY FRIEND IS FUCKING DEAD. HE FUCKING DIED. HE COMMITTED A MASS SHOOTING AND HE FUCKING DIED. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
Plankton: MY WIFE’S A FUCKING LESBIAN!
Larry: I FUCKING HATE ABORTION!
Snoop Dogg: Okizzle, just, one at a tizzle. What the fizzle are you all so angrizzle abizzle?
SpongeBob: YOU’RE A FUCKING TERRIBLE PRESIDENT!
(The entire crowd cheers in agreement)
Squilliam: YOU’RE QUITE LITERALLY A FUCKING NAZI!
Atomic Flounder: Hold on, what’s wrong with that?
Larry: Good point, Flounder. Sieg heil. BUT HE’S STILL A BAD PRESIDENT!
Pearl: I WAS FUCKING GROOMED ON DISCORD!
Snoop Dogg: Uhh… I… Uhh…
Krabs: YOU DID NOTHING WHEN THE ENTIRE TOWN WAS COVERED IN MY SEMEN!
Squilliam: god i wanna suck elon musk’s cock
(The entire crowd erupts into angry ranting as Snoop Dogg sweats)
Snoop Dogg: (turns to his secrets service agents) Shizzle, this shizzle is bizzle, ma nizzle! Fizzle, whizzle should I dizzle?
(Snoop Dogg is seen whispering to his agents, and nodding)
Snoop Dogg: (nervously) Me and my advisors have just come to the conclusivizzle that Squidward Tenticizzle is the cause of all your problizzles.
(The crowd gasps)
Snoop Dogg: Now I know that y’all might be wonderin’ if there’s any biological evidence to prove that Squizzle is Jesus H. Chizzle, but as the granolavirus vaccine proved, science is far from Bikini Bottom’s priority… sheeple.
(The crowd murmurs)
Larry the Lobster: He’s right, y’know.
Snoop Dogg: Now I want Mr. Krabs to come up to the stand.
(Mr. Krabs, murmuring under his breath, waddles up to the podium, hitting several incidentals with his meaty claws)
Snoop Dogg: Now, Eugene, let me ask you some’n. Do you believe in Jesus?
Mr. Krabs: Aagagagagag! Of course I do, Mr. President! I go to Church every Sunday!
Snoop Dogg: And you think that Jesus is the Messiah, a holy figure who died for our sins?
Mr. Krabs: Absolutely!
Snoop Dogg: Now what if I told y’all Jesus was alive today?!
(The audience gasps)
Snoop Dogg: Damn, y’all have the memory of goldfish.
(Zoom out to the entire front row, which is made up of only goldfish, then back to Snoop and Krabs)
Snoop Dogg: In fact, let me ask you some more questions, G. Mr. Krabs: Who is it that sleeps on the job?
Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward!
Snoop Dogg: Who is it that’s always raggin’ on Tha Yellow Sponge?
Mr. Krabs: Well, Mr. Squidward!
Snoop Dogg: Who is it that gotch’yo daughter smokin’ sticky-icky-ickys?
Mr. Krabs: (visibly mad) Grr… Mr. Squidward!
Snoop Dogg: And Jesus Christ has been reincarnated as who?
Mr. Krabs: (without hesitation) MR. SQUIDWARD!
(The audience gasps)
Snoop Dogg: You heard it here first, folks. We’re calling this sick bastard “Jesus Sandal”, and the first to find this mo’fucka, nail him to the cross, and burn him alive… is the next President of Bikini Bottom.
(The audience cheers as we cut to a titlecard whilst heavy rock music plays. It reads “Leader Plankton! Remade: The Hunt for Jesus Sandal”.)
(We then cut to Sandy and Larry at Goo Lagoon looking for Squidward)
Sandy: Hey, c’mon Larry! I’m doin’ all the work here!
(She’s dug up several holes in the beach sand)
Larry: I don’t need you, silly woman. BIGOT SQUAD. ROLL OUT.
(Larry, Atomic Flounder, and Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy all fly in next to eachother like superheroes)
Atomic Flounder: What’s the emergency, Larry? I was harassing gay children on the internet.
Larry: We gotta search for Squidward as a TEAM!
Mermaid Man: Hell yeah! We bigots are greater in numbers!
(They all stare at Barnacle Boy, who isn’t paying attention at all as he is reading Mein Kampf)
Barnacle Boy: (Looks up from book) Huh, whuzzat? I was busy reading.
Larry: Oh, Barnacle Boy!
(They all exchange sitcom laughter together before Atomic Flounder stares blankly at the camera)
Atomic Flounder: I don’t truly think 6 million people died.
Larry: Alright, team: No more distractions. Let’s all find that six-legged bastard!
(Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy strip naked and combine into a drill made out of their sweating fleshy old man bodies and strangely uncircumcised, purple, bulging, smegma-filled cocks, then start drilling into the beach at rapid pace)
Mermaid Man: Hey, stop going so fast! I have arthritis!
Barnacle Boy: Arthritis my ass, old man. We need to find Squidward.
(Larry and the Atomic Flounder are hearing the two from on the surface)
Larry: Are you guys okay down there?
Atomic Flounder: I hate [ELEPHANT SOUND]s so much.
(In the pit, Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy split back into two, with their purple cocks bashing each other in the face)
Barnacle Boy: I may be in my 60s, but at least I’m not some arthritis-riddled old man who doesn’t remember where he left his MASSIVE PENIS!
Larry: (long pause) Are you two gay?
Mermaid Man: Hold that thought, Larry, my penis is picking up something…
(Mermaid Man’s penis starts beeping like a metal detector)
Mermaid Man: A-HA! I’ve found Squidward Tennisballs!
Barnacle Boy: LET’S START DIGGING!
(The two combine once again into a drill, whilst on the surface, Larry and Atomic Flounder are having a heated debate about segregation.)
Larry: Listen, I get it - starfish are definitely inferior to lobsters. But I still think we should let them have the same rights!
Atomic Flounder: Why would you want a degenerate like Patrick voting for President? He’d probably vote that Snoop Doggfellow in again. What kind of bigot are you?
Larry: What do you have against Starfishes bro?
Atomic Flounder: MY FUCKING MOTHER WAS STABBED TO DEATH BY A STARFISH! (Turns to camera) Evolution is fake.
(Cut to the Krusty Krab, where Plankton and Mr. Krabs are sniffing around the restaurant looking for Squidward. Meanwhile, Pearl is watching K-pop stan videos on her phone, and Karen and Ms. Puff are French-kissing in Squidward’s cashier boat.)
Ms. Puff: Oh, Karen… it feels so wrong… but oh-so right.
Karen: Especially in Squidward’s boat. Oh, you make my wires fuse, Puffy.
Plankton: God, I hate lesbians. Have you found any leads, Eugene?
Mr. Krabs: Welp, Sheldon me boy, I did find some marijuana residue on the windows. Somethin’ tells me that rapscallion was here not long ago smokin’ fat blunts… say, PEARL… Do you know anything about this?
(Pearl has her headphones in and is doing little head movements to the beat of whatever Lemon Demon song she’s listening to)
Mr. Krabs: PEARL…
(Pearl still doesn’t hear him so Mr. Krabs brings out a shotgun and shoots one bullet into the air, shocking Pearl, who takes her headphones off)
Pearl: What is it, daddy? I was listening to Cabinet Man.
Mr. Krabs: When’s the last time you smoked weed with your ol’ pal, Squidward?
Pearl: Daddy, I swear, I haven’t done any drugs since you first found out! I’ve been too busy messaging men five times my age on Discord. I had no idea cocks could be that purple!
Mr. Krabs: The only man five times your age you should be talkin’ to is ME! Isn’t that right, my precious?
Pearl: I guess so, daddy. Now how can I help find Squidward?
Plankton: Maybe you can convince the two carpet-munchers to get out of his boat so we can check for clues there.
(Ms. Puff and Karen are still tongue-kissing, with Puff’s fin caressing Karen’s motherboard)
Pearl: Hiiii, you two! Can you have gay sex somewhere else so we can check the boat for clues?
Karen: Uh, in a second.
Krabs: YOU FUCKING D[dolphin chirp]S GET OUT OF THAT [dolphin chirp]ING BOAT BEFORE I TAKE THE [dolphin chirp] YOU’RE [dolphin chirp]ING AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR [dolphin chirp]! AND YOU SHUT UP TOO, YOU FUCKING DOLPHIN!
Dolphin: Sorry…
(Ms. Puff carries Karen out of the boat and into a seat at the Krab, still kissing her)
Plankton: ..Do they ever stop?
Krabs: Nope. Just like the water always flows, lesbians will always be kissin’ lesbians. It’s a sad life for us cisgender heterosexual white males, isn’t it, Plankton?
Plankton: Couldn’t agree more, you big sexy crustacean.
(After just a little bit of silence between the two, Plankton out of nowhere grabs Krabs’ big meaty claws and starts putting his tongue down Krabs’ throat, as the two moan in delight)
Pearl: (deep sigh) Is life really worth living?
(Cut back to Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy drilling into the sand pit, as they discover what seem like animal remains. They separate once again and start examining)
Mermaid Man: Hmmmm… Dead animal remains…. (licks his lips)
Barnacle Boy: Does that mean… Squidward’s dead?
Mermaid Man: No, you fucking coral-brains, it means Squidward’s not here!
Barnacle Boy: Are you sure? Those look like Squidward’s bones.
Mermaid Man: (Short pause) THESE ARE FUCKING DINOSAUR BONES!
Barnacle Boy: I’m sorry, I just don’t see it. 
Mermaid Man: (whose cock is now blue) Bruh, I’m the one with dementia. Do you not see that these are clearly the bones of a North American iguanodon? 
Barnacle Boy: Since when you become a paleontologist, you old wankstain?
Mermaid Man: Flounder, Larry, you two HEARIN’ this fucking shit?
Atomic Flounder: I dunno, man. Looks like Squidward to me.
Larry: Yup. Definitely Squidward.
Atomic Flounder: Now leave us alone. We were arguing about segregation.
Larry: I don’t think we’re arguing. This is civil debate.
Atomic Flounder: Let’s say, hypothetically, for the sake of the argument, your daughter was fucking a starfish. Are you gonna think of those kids as your own?
Larry: Yes, Flounder! They’re still my blood!
Atomic Flounder: But now it’s tainted with starfish DNA. Your family tree has been ruined.
Larry: It’s not about DNA, bro, it’s about who we are inside! In our hearts!
Atomic Flounder: That sounds rich coming from a massive sexist.
Larry: Look who’s talking!
Atomic Flounder: (wearing a literal fucking Nazi uniform) I respect the rights of all minorities.
Larry: And don’t even get me STARTED on MIXED-RACE STARFISH!
(Sudden cut to SpongeBob, taking a piss with Gary)
SpongeBob: Gary, don’t you think that maybe these Squid-hunters should just knock on his door? Look in his windows? Send him a phone call?
Gary: Meow…
SpongeBob: Yeah, maybe you’re right. It is a bit dangerous. 
Gary: Meow…
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] You always know what to say, Gare-bear. I’m gonna call my friend Fred and see if he wants to pop round for some coffee.
(A crash is heard outside as SpongeBob rushes to see Fred Rechid’s crashed Tesla smashed into the side of his house. The Tesla yells “My wheels!”)
Fred: Hi, SpongeBob! 
SpongeBob: Oh, perfect timing, Fred! I need you to do me a favor. 
(Cut to Fred’s Tesla crashed into Squidward’s house)
SpongeBob: We were right next door… You didn’t need to drive your Tesla.
Fred: SHUT UP. I NEED TO DRIVE MY TESLA EVERYWHERE.
(Fred puts on a cross necklace that has an engraved image of Elon Musk on it)
Fred: Praise Musk. Now, what was it you wanted me to do, Bobby?
SpongeBob: First off, don’t call me that. That name is HELLA gay. Secondly, just knock on Squidward’s door.
Fred: You sure? Are you 100% certain that he isn’t going to attack me? And take my Tesla?
SpongeBob: [signature laugh] Don’t be silly, Fred! I’ve been friends with Squidwardiard for years! He wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Fred: Alright, Spongey, I’ll trust you just this once. But if my Tesla gets stolen, it’s your ass who’ll be sitting in court, capiche? 
Gary: Meow…
SpongeBob: Oh, don’t worry, Gary. We’ll be just fine!
Fred: Alright, here we go.
(Intense orchestral music plays as Fred slowly and hesitantly twists the doorknob and slides the door open. His eyes and ears perk up)
Fred: WHAT THE FUCK? 
(Fred suddenly gets a boner that whacks him in the face)
Fred: Squidward. Why are you doing this? 
SpongeBob: What’s taking so long - (sees Squidward inside as he immediately starts fucking screaming and vomiting)
(Fred takes a step back out of the house, leaving the door open, and gets out a pistol from his pocket)
Fred: Things that bother you never bothered me, I’ll be happy and fine. Ha-ha. Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight, having a wonderful time. (Fred shoots himself in the head and his brains splatter on the road)
(Cut to the inside of Squidward’s house, where it’s revealed Squidward is jacking off with his penis inside a bong)
Squidward: What? I was told everyone was doing it.
(Cut to Snoop Dogg at his podium)
Snoop Dogg: Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Rechid family, fo’ shizzle. Fred’s death is truly a tragedizzle. Now back to the matter at hand. I have a man who has information about Jesus Sandal.
(The audience collectively go “ooh”)
Snoop Dogg: You prolly see him every day at the Krusty Krab, cookin’ and flippin’ ‘em Krabby Patties. But now, he can tell you what you all want to hear.
Atomic Flounder: (Distant, in the audience) WHITE PEOPLE ARE BEING REPLACED!
(SpongeBob steps out onto the podium to raucous cheers from the audience)
SpongeBob: Squidward Tentacles, better known as “Jesus Sandal”, has been captured. He was found in his own home… (holding back tears) uh… masturbating into a bong.
Mr. Krabs: I TOLD YA! AND NONE OF YOU LISTENED!
(Mr. Krabs interrupts SpongeBob and jumps onto the podium)
Mr. Krabs: NONE OF YOU BELIEVED ME! AND NOW LOOK AT YOU ALL! LOOK AT US! WE FOUND SQUIDWARD! WE FOUND THE CRIMINAL! THAT SWASHBUCKLIN’ PERVERT IS NAILED TO A CROSS AS WE SPEAK!
SpongeBob: Uh, actually, Mr. Krabs, he’s still in his house.
(The crowd get out their flaming pitchforks and head for Squidward’s house, led by Mr. Krabs)
Snoop Dogg: Man… I thought that shit would get my opinion poll numbers up.
(Cut to a crowd of Bikini Bottomites in a field, surrounding a large cross which Squidward has been nailed to. They are all holding their flaming pitchforks, obscuring the sky with copious amounts of smoke)
Mr. Krabs: It’s what you’ve all been waitin’ for.
(Mr. Krabs, leading the march of the crowd, with Larry and SpongeBob to each side of him, backed up by hundreds of protesting Bikini Bottomites, stands up on a wooden stall in front of the cross and starts chanting)
Mr. Krabs: Say it with me! BURN THE SQUID. BURN THE SQUID!
Crowd: BURN THE SQUID! BURN THE SQUID! I cumfellowed my pants for real but BURN THE SQUID!
Squidward: (singing quietly to himself) Haven’t got a lot, I don’t need a lot, coffee’s only a dime. Livin’ in the sunlight, lovin’ in the moonlight, havin’ a wonderful time…
Mermaid Man: HE’S SPEAKING IN TONGUES!
Seth MacFarlane: Hey, whose cock do I have to suck to get a kelp juice around here? (Speaking in Quagmire’s voice) Giggity Giggity let’s burn Squidward alive!
(Dramatic music intensifies as the Bikini Bottomites - and Seth MacFarlane - rally around Squidward with their pitchforks and start moving towards the cross, ready to light it on fire… but suddenly. The sky turns blue and the smoke dissipates. A heavenly choir sings down from above… and Snoop Dogg falls from the sky onto the floor.)
Snoop Dogg: Yo I just pimped my ride fucking hoes and drag queens now let’s get fucked up in the club for real homie. (Disappears in a puff of smoke)
Angelic Voice: Stop this right now.
Larry: Bruh. Obama again?
Angelic Voice: No. It is I, Jesus Sandal.
(The crowd gasps)
Barnacle Boy: Prove it!
Atomic Flounder: (Offscreen) White lives matter!
(Barnacle Boy and Atomic Flounder are zapped with lightning and dies)
Angelic Voice: This poor squid is not a deity, nor is he the Messiah, and nor is he even as good-looking as I am. This is literally just a blue squid who likes jacking off into bongs. If he was Jesus, he’d had turned water into wine by now and none of you would be alive.
Gary: Meow…
Angelic Voice: FOR MY SAKE, MAN! There are kids watching! Anyways, Squidward is not Jesus Sandal. He is just a sussy imposter. 
Nat Peterson: Wait a second… so everything that went wrong in our lives… if it isn’t Squidward’s fault… and it’s not President Snoop Dogg’s… then it’s YOURS!
Angelic Voice: Yeah but you can’t kill Jesus.
(Fred is revving up his Tesla)
Fred: Are you sure about that?
(Fred drives his Tesla into the cross, freeing Squidward, but then his Tesla does a wheelie into the sky. Fred and his Tesla start flying in the clouds)
Fred: Oh, yes. LET’S GO! I’M CLOSER TO JESUS THAN ANYONE HAS EVER BEEN BEFORE! With the power of Tesla, I can finally be BIGGER. THAN. JESUS!
(A random ass bird, flying casually, is moving in the opposite direction)
Fred: No, no, no! Please, little birdie, move! I’m on my way to meet Jesus and give him a piece of my mind!
(The bird keeps flying, and Fred gives up on trying to move it)
Fred: Pfft…welp.
(The Tesla hits the bird and plummets to the abyss below, bringing the episode to an end. The screen fades to black)
Fred: (offscreen) MY LEG!
Mermaid Man: (offscreen) MY COCK!
== Trivia ==
* This episode actually has jack shit to do with Leader Plankton!
Category:Leader Plankton! Remade
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