Episode 422: Andy Williams/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 422: Andy Williams.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Andy Williams? Andy Williams? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Andy.
Andy 	Terrific, Scooter. I'm all set.
Scooter	Oh, by the way, Andy, thanks for sharing the dressing room with the limburger.
Andy 	Oh, that's alright. I was warned this was a cheesy show.
 	He guffaws as the cheeses appear around him.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Andy Williams! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
 	Waldorf holds a wad of bills.
Waldorf	How much do you want not to start?
 	They chuckle.
 	
 	Before Gonzo can blow his horn, a pack of howling dogs bombard him.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And we're gonna have a wonderful show, because tonight's special guest is one of my all-time favorite people, Mr. Andy Williams. (audience oohs) But first, here is an opening number — my kind of door.
 	Fozzie sings "Green Door" as he watches shady figures enter a building. During the instrumental break, the inside activity is revealed: a sextet of creatures playing and dancing to rock music.
 	
 	When Fozzie finally opens the door, he only sees dusty equipment with cobwebs.
Fozzie 	Wha? … Hello? (a rat passes him) Yecch.
 	
 	He goes back outside, closes the door and repeats the first verse. He hides as the creatures suddenly come out hollering.
Statler	At first I thought that number was gonna be good, but then …
Waldorf	Then what?
Statler	Then they raised the curtain!
 	They chuckle.
==Dressing room==
 	Andy, drinking tea, hears a knock on the door.
Andy 	Come in.
Miss Piggy	Ah — oh, Andrew, dear, hello!
Andy 	Hi, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Andrew, there has been an itsy-bitsy change in your opening number.
Andy 	Oh?
Miss Piggy	Yes, I think Kermie would like you to sing "Love Story".
Andy 	"Love Story"?
Miss Piggy	Mm-hmm. You know, it goes, La-la-la-la-la …
Andy 	I know the song — I, I know the song.
Miss Piggy	Oh.
Andy 	Uh, but why?
Miss Piggy	Well, you sing it so beautifully. Mm-hmm.
Andy 	Well, thank you, but uh, we rehearsed "Moon River".
Miss Piggy	Well, um — uh … well, Andrew — I have a little secret between vous et moi.
Andy 	What?
Miss Piggy	"You and me".
Andy 	I know what it means, but uh, but why?
Miss Piggy	Uh, Andrew … (looks around) … Kermie and I … we are … engaged.
Andy 	No!
Miss Piggy	YES!!
 	
Andy 	That's wonderful!
Miss Piggy	Yes! It — it just happened.
Andy 	Can I make the announcement?
Miss Piggy	No! No. Um, only you and I know.
Andy 	And Kermit.
Miss Piggy	Who? Oh! Yes, yes, uh, Kermit, yes, yes. Uh — but, but you will sing "Love Story" for us, won't you?
Andy 	Well, of course I will.
Miss Piggy	Ahh.
Andy 	The frog and the pig getting married.
Miss Piggy	Yes. (sighs)
Andy 	Soon there'll be the patter of tiny figs. (laughs, claps)
Miss Piggy	When you finish breaking yourself up, you will sing, won't you?
 	She exits. He continues laughing.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Uh, listen, Rizzo, now, one of these dancing cheeses seems to be missing. Now, do you know anything about this dancing cheese?
 	Rizzo zips away.
Kermit 	Rats.
Miss Piggy	Kermie! Kermie, Kermie, Kermie, I wonder if I may make an itsy-bitsy suggestion for tonight's show.
Kermit 	I guess so. What is it?
Miss Piggy	Cancel "Moon River" and have Andy Williams sing "Love Story".
 	
Kermit 	Miss Piggy, I can't just change the running order now. Besides, Andy is associated with "Moon River."
Miss Piggy	A-a-a-and, you know who is associated with "Love Story", don't you?
Kermit 	Hmm?
Miss Piggy	Vous et moi.
Kermit 	What?
Miss Piggy	"You and me".
Kermit 	I know what it means! Look, Miss Piggy, the "Moon River" set is already being moved onstage, so forget it. (walks off)
Miss Piggy	Kermie —
 	Beauregard and Beaker wheel a paper moon onstage. Piggy stops them.
Miss Piggy	HOLD IT!!
 	
Beauregard	But Kermit told us to put this on the stage.
Beaker 	Mee-mee-mee.
Miss Piggy	I don't care. Just take that back and bring in the "Love Story" set.
Beauregard	But if we did that, Kermit would fire us!
Beaker 	(nods)
Miss Piggy	Would you rather be fired, or dismembered?
Beaker 	(shrieks)
Beauregard	Hmm. Dismembered sounds like fun.
 	Beaker whispers in Beau's ear.
Beauregard	(gasp!) … We'll take fired.
 	They move the moon away.
=="Theme from Love Story"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, with us tonight is one of the world's great entertainers and recording artists, and here he is now, Mr. Andy Williams!
Miss Piggy	(peeking from the curtain) Psst! Psst! Psst! Kermie!
Kermit 	What?
Miss Piggy	Psst.
Kermit 	(walks over) What?
 	
 	She pulls him behind the curtain. The curtain opens to reveal a wall with heart-shaped windows. Andy walks onstage and begins to sing.
Andy 	
Where do I begin to tell the story
Of how great a love can be?
The sweet love story that is older than the sea,
The simple truth about the love she brings to me.
Where do I start?
 	The curtains in the windows open to reveal Kermit in the center and Piggy in the top left.
Andy 	With her first hello…
Miss Piggy	Hello.
 	They duck and move to different windows.
Andy 	
She gave new meaning to this empty world of mine.
They'll never be another love another time.
Miss Piggy	Aha!
Andy 	
She came into my life and made the living fine.
She fills my heart …
Miss Piggy	Aha!
 	The windows open and close as Kermit tries to flee from Piggy.
 	
Andy 	
She fills my heart …
Miss Piggy	KERMIE!
Andy 	
… with very special things.
With angel songs and wild imaginings.
She fill my soul with so much love
That any where I go…
Kermit 	(passes Andy) 'Scuse me.
Andy 	
…I'm never lonely.
With her around who could be lonely?
I reach for her hand,
It's always there.
Miss Piggy	
How long does it last?
Can love be measured by the hours in a day?
Andy 	
I have no answers now,
But this much I can say…
Miss Piggy	La la la la …
Andy 	
I know I'll need her until the stars all burn away,
And she'll be there.
 	
 	He pulls Kermit towards Piggy, who gives both of them kissy-kissys.
Statler 	I wonder if we'll be called up as witnesses at the trial.
Waldorf 	What trial?
Statler 	Well, you don't think Andy's gonna take this lying down!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit is not pleased as he and Piggy come backstage.
Scooter 	Good number. Nice number.
Miss Piggy	Kermie-kins, don't be angryyyy!
Kermit 	You know how I hate romantic junk like that.
 	
Scooter 	Oh, congratulations, chief. I wish you all the happiness in the world. You'll need it. (laughs, exits)
Kermit 	What was that all about?
Miss Piggy	(laughs sheepishly) Um… oh, that Scooter and his dumb little jokes. Hahaha.
Floyd 	Hey, Kermit — me and the band gonna play at the wedding?
Kermit 	Wh — what wedding?!
 	Piggy tiptoes away.
Floyd 	Well, I just heard the news that you and Miss Fatback was gonna tie the knot and raise chitlins! (laughs)
Kermit 	PIGGY!!
Miss Piggy	Um … (laughs sheepishly) … Kermie, it's … just a joke!
Kermit 	A JOKE?? People will think we're really engaged!! (stews)
Miss Piggy	(sigh) It's so sweet-sounding when you say it.
Kermit 	Well — the engagement is off! HI-YAH!
 	
 	He karate-chops her, but doesn't knock her over.
Miss Piggy	Kermie? Dear? Dear? Sweetheart? It's not like that. It's like this. Hi-YAH!
 	Her chop sends him flying to his desk.
Kermit 	(through the intercom) On stage for the next number. (faints)
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	And now for this Muppet newsflash. Bands of roving cheeses have been reported at the edge of town, moving towards City Center. The cheeses are reported to be smelly, and often in the company of crackers. Uh, most of them seem to be moving about on foot, but some cheeses, naturally, are in wheels.
 	
 	A cheese wheel rolls over him. Some rats chase after it.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy fools around with medical equipment, then quickly rushes to the operating table. A rabbit is the patient.
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	Well, who's the first patient, Nurse Janice?
Janice 	Here he is, Dr. Bob.
Miss Piggy 	Aww, Dr. Bob, what a cute little bunny. I wonder what his name is?
Rowlf 	Well, he hasn't said "Eh, what's up doc," so it isn't you-know-who! (laughs)
Janice 	Who, doctor?
Rowlf 	It's not "Who, doctor," it's Doctor Who - that's another show. (laughs)
Janice 	Oh, oh, is he related to Doctor Which?
Rowlf 	No, it's not "Doctor Which", it's witch doctor, and that's another ball game! (laughs)
Janice 	Oh, then Doctor Who's on first!
Rowlf & Janice 	(groan)
Miss Piggy 	All I ask is the bunny's name, and I get Abbott and Costello.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Rabbit 	Hey, look can we get on with this? I'm late! I'm late!
Rowlf 	For a very important date?
Janice 	(groan)
Rabbit 	No, that's another rabbit.
Rowlf 	Oh, you're not the white rabbit?
Rabbit 	No, I'm the wrong rabbit!
Rowlf & Janice 	(groan)
Janice 	Fer sure.
Miss Piggy 	Good grief! Now it's Rabbit and Costello.
Rowlf 	(laughs)
Janice 	Dr. Bob, may I remind you this is a hospital?
 	
Rowlf 	Oh, I'm glad you did. The way the jokes were dying, I thought it was a morgue! (laughs)
 	They all groan.
Rabbit 	Hey, hurry up, will ya? I gotta get back to the hutch!
Rowlf 	The what?
Miss Piggy 	Hutch. Th-that's where rabbits live.
Rowlf 	I know that. I even know where it is. It's behind a famous cathedral.
Piggy, Janice, Rabbit	Oh?
Rowlf 	You must have heard of it. The hutch back of Notre Dame? (laughs)
 	The others groan.
Miss Piggy 	That rings a bell.
 	They all groan, and look up when they hear the announcer.
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf 	Good!
Announcer 	Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Janice say ...
Janice 	Oh, Dr. Bob, that was rully a long way to go for that last joke! You should have packed a lunch!
Rowlf 	(laughs) I did. I ate it behind the cathedral.
Piggy, Janice, Rabbit	Oh?
Rowlf 	Yes. I had the lunch back of Notre Dame!
 	They all groan and laugh.
Janice 	Fer sure, for sure.
==UK spot==
 	Backstage. Sam looks over a clipboard.
Kermit 	Hi, Sam!
Sam the Eagle	(flinches) Oh! … Oh. Yes, hello.
Kermit 	Uh, still censoring the show, Sam?
Sam the Eagle	Yes, I am. Have you seen what's happening in the canteen?
Kermit 	Uh, no —
Sam the Eagle	I've noted this down — there are seventeen penguins rehearsing for a tap-dance number.
Kermit 	(nods) Oh, good.
Sam the Eagle	Good?!
Kermit 	Sure, that's what they're supposed to do.
Sam the Eagle	That is not decent family entertainment for this show.
Kermit 	Hey, Sam, wh-why do you do this?
 	
Sam the Eagle	Someone has to do it.
Kermit 	Mmm. But don't you have a home, or something like that?
Sam the Eagle	Oh, yes, I have a family. I'm married. Mm-hmm.
Kermit 	Really? You have a home?
Sam the Eagle	Yes, well, uh … my wife and I are separated.
Kermit 	Oh?
Sam the Eagle	She, uh, flew the coop.
Kermit 	Do you have any uh, do you have any kids?—
Sam the Eagle	We were very close, though. Very close.
Kermit 	Oh yeah? What's her name?
Sam the Eagle	Uh, I forgot.
Kermit 	Oh. But uh, do you have any kids?
Sam the Eagle	Yes, I have two wonderful kids.
Kermit 	Oh.
Sam the Eagle	They never write to me.
Kermit 	Um, um …
Sam the Eagle	They're in college now.
Kermit 	Uh-huh. Uh, boys or girls?
Sam the Eagle	Mm-hmm. Yes. One boy. One boy, one girl.
Kermit 	Uh-huh. Yeah. The boy's in college, uh-huh.
Sam the Eagle	Yes.
Kermit 	And what does he study?
Sam the Eagle	I'd rather not talk about it. He's uh, studying, uh … taxidermy.
Kermit 	I see, I … that's good though, huh?
Sam the Eagle	No it's not.
Kermit 	No, it's not very good, no —
Sam the Eagle	You don't know how bad.
Kermit 	Well, how about your daughter?
Sam the Eagle	I'd rather not talk about her either. She's uh … she's living a rather high life there in college. She's uh, dating, uh … an owl. (shudders)
Kermit 	Woo-woo.
Sam the Eagle	Exactly.
Kermit 	Hmm.
Sam the Eagle	(returns to the clipboard) Get back to this! What about this, all this indecent family entertainment? There's — besides the penguins, there's dogs singing and pigs and — there's a cheese singing "Malagueña".
Kermit 	Oh, the cheese! I gotta check and see if the cheese is ready! Oh, cheese! (leaves)
Sam the Eagle	(to viewer) You need not worry. As long as Sam the Eagle is here, I shall protect you, in the name of decent family entertainment. (nods)
==Dressing room / "Jubilee Time"==
Scooter	Yeah, bu-but how'd you get started in show business?
Andy 	Well, Scooter, I started singing with my brothers, my three brothers, in Wall Lake, Iowa. And we called ourselves The Williams Brothers.
 	
Scooter	Ah. Clever. Clever name.
Andy 	And we used to sing in church. And then uh, we started singing on the radio.
Scooter	Oh, I guess you sang that old style music, huh? Like acid rock?
Andy 	Yeah, like ac — well, this was way before that. Way, way back — we used to sing barbershop harmony.
Scooter	Gee, I wish I'd heard that.
 	Andy sings "Jubilee Time" with a trio of Andy Williams Muppet caricatures.
 	
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Hey, uh, what are all you cheeses doing backstage?
Cheese (DG)	Oh, we want to try out for your show.
Cheeses 	Yeah.
Cheese (DG)	We sing.
Kermit 	Oh yeah? What do you sing?
Cheese (DG)	One two three!
Cheeses 	So you met somebody that got you back on your heels —
Cheese (DG)	Gouda-Gouda!
 	The cheeses laugh, then sing another one.
Cheeses 	I got a girl, crazy for me …
 	
Cheese (JN)	Cheese funny that way!
 	The cheeses laugh.
Cheese (LG)	Wait! Wait, listen to this!
Cheeses 	Pardon me, boys — is this the —
Cheese (LG)	Cheddar-nooga Choo-choo?
 	The cheeses laugh.
Kermit 	And what do you sing?
Cheese (SW)	Oh, I don't sing. I'm in a TV series.
Kermit 	Uh, what?
Cheese (SW)	The Roquefort Files!
 	The cheeses laugh.
Kermit 	Will you guys get outta here? Out, out, out, out, out!
 	The cheeses disperse.
==Muppet Labs==
 	Open on Bunsen making baby talk to a cat as Beaker watches.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Spoody boody. Oh, mister boody boopers. Boody boody boody. Well. Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. Well, it's a well-known fact that some people like doggies and some people like kitties.
Cat 	(meows)
Beaker 	(meows back)
 	
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Up to now, if you were given the wrong pet, you had to put up with it. But our new electronic pet converter solves that problem. My assistant, Beaker, is putting an unwanted kitty into the converter.
Beaker 	(points to Bunsen) Meep?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Yes, go.
Beaker 	Meep meep meep meep …
 	He pushes the cat into the converter as it meows and hisses.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh, that's wonderful, Beaker. And now, I throw the switch … and out of the other side comes … a cute little puppy dog.
 	The puppy barks and licks Beaker.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	And if you happen to like kitties instead of doggies, the converter works the other way. Show them, Beaker.
Beaker 	Bye-bye!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Bon voyage!
 	The puppy goes back in to the box.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Now you can go get your kitty on the other side …
 	It comes out as a tiger, to Beaker's surprise.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Oh dear! Oh, there seems to be some sort of problem!
 	He tries to pull the tiger by the tail from the other end.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	(grunting) The important thing to remember is that anything that passes through this door is turned into a puppy dog.
 	
 	His hand is pulled through the door, sprouts eyes and hair, and begins barking. The tiger chases Beaker around the lab.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	That's all for now, from Muppet Labs. (to his puppy-hand) Sit. Sit.
==Duets with Andy==
 	Kermit and Andy sit together on stools, holding microphones.
Kermit 	You know, it's really neat to be sitting here to do a medley with Andy Williams, just like you used to do on your show, huh?
Andy 	Well, thank you, Kermit. Uh, listen, by the way, may I ask you a question?
Kermit 	Why, sure. What?
Andy 	How do you do it?
Kermit 	Do what — you mean, sit on a stool like this? Why, uh, any frog can do that.
Andy 	Well, I knew that toads could, but uh …
Kermit 	Toads? What do you mean toads?
Andy 	Well, surely you've heard of toad stools?
 	He laughs. Kermit frowns.
Andy 	You're still mad at me, aren't you?
Kermit 	Well — well, you did do "Love Story" instead of "Moon River."
Andy 	Well, that was Miss Piggy. I mean, she told me that you were engaged.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, it was very embarrassing.
Andy 	Well … would it make you feel any better if you embarrassed me?
Kermit 	What… well, no …
Andy 	Go ahead. Go ahead.
Kermit 	No, I couldn't …
Andy 	I can take it.
Kermit 	Okay, uh, let's see, uh … uh, I don't like your coat.
Andy 	Good. Does that make you feel better?
Kermit 	Yeah. Yeah. Now let's do the medley, huh?
Andy 	Okay.
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
Andy 	(pause) What don't you like about my coat?
Kermit 	(stammers) Uh, nothing, I was just saying that.
Andy 	Well, go ahead, tell me. I mean, is it the sleeves, or the lapels, or the shoulders?
Kermit 	No, no, I just — just forget that, huh?
Andy 	You're right. I mean, what would you know about clothes anyway? All you wear is that stupid collar.
Kermit 	(whimpers)
Andy 	It's a wonder you haven't been arrested.
Kermit 	Okay, that does it. Start the music.
 	The music starts.
Andy 	I'm only kidding, Kermit. I love your collar.
Kermit 	Aw. Well, actually, I like your coat too.
Andy 	Well, thanks.
Kermit 	Except for the buttons.
Andy 	Wha — I knew it was the buttons! I knew it.
 	
Kermit & Andy	
Two of a kind.
For your information,
We're two of a kind.
Two of a kind.
It's my observation,
We're two of a kind.
Kermit 	Frogs in a pond …
Andy 	And birds of a feather…
Kermit & Andy	
Alone or together you'll find,
That we are two-oo-oo-oo of a kind.
Kermit 	I like the swamp in June, how about you?
Andy 	I like a Gershwin tune, how about you?
Kermit 	I love a lily pad when a storm is due.
Andy 	I like potato chips …
Kermit 	Mud flats and skinny dips …
Kermit & Andy	How about you?
Andy 	
I don't believe in frettin' and grievin',
Why mess around with strife?
I never was cut out to step and strut out.
Give me the simple life.
Kermit 	
Some find it pleasant dining on pheasant.
Those things roll off my knife.
I dine on mosquito, flies are a treat-o.
Give me the simple life.
Andy 	I love a piano.
Kermit & Andy	
I love a piano.
I love to hear somebody play
Upon a piano, a grand piano.
It simply carries me away.
Kermit 	So you can keep your fiddle and your bow.
Kermit & Andy	Give me a p-i-a-n-o, oh, oh.
Andy 	
I love to stop right beside an upright,
Or a high toned baby grand.
Kermit & Andy	
We're two of a kind.
There's just no denyin',
We're two of a kind.
Two of a kind.
Without even tryin',
We're two of a kind.
Kermit 	Makin' it plain …
Andy 	Explainin' it fully…
Kermit & Andy	
We're simila-la-larly inclined
Because we're two-oo-oo of a kind
Kermit 	Uh, except, of course, that I'm a frog.
 	
Kermit & Andy	Two-oo-oo, two of a kind!
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, that is approximately sort of what you might call the end of the show, but before we go, let us say thank you to our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Andy Williams! Yaaaay!
 	Applause.
Andy 	Kermit, I had a great time.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Andy 	And I love the Muppet cheese.
 	The cheeses gather around him, as do some rats.
 	
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, well, listen, if you like the cheese, did you get to meet the rats?
Andy 	Well, rats can be fun, but cheese can be fun-due. (laughs)
 	The rats and cheeses laugh.
Kermit 	Uh, that's our kinda humor, Andy! Uh, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	Gonzo looks on as the rats eat the cheese. The credits roll.
Statler	I'm gonna see my lawyer.
Waldorf	Why?
Statler	I wanna find out if you can sue a show for breach of taste!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts