Bagheaded Archives/Transcript

(The episode begins with the Candle Friends walking in the park.)
Candle Man: I’ll have to admit, this is a great day for a community barbecue!
Limefong: I wonder if they have any pizza…
Mystic: You have to be the only dog I know who forgoes straight up meat for pizza.
(They find the gathering in the middle of the park. Nearby is a Palpatine’s Pizzeria food truck.)
Palpatine: Pizza, anyone?
Limefong: PIZZA!
(He leaves the three and runs to the food truck.)
Shaduck: Food trucks at a barbecue? Who knew?
Candle Man: Limefong did, apparently.
(Cue theme song. After the song, the three are left where they were before it.)
Candle Man: Hey, is that Baghead over there?
(Baghead is shown grilling a few hot dogs nearby. He has a chef hat on. He does not notice the Candle Friends.)
Candle Man: YO! BAGHEAD!
(Baghead notices them and waves.)
Baghead: Hello there!
(The trio walk over to him.)
Candle Man: Why are you grilling?
Baghead: Well, I’m the official protector of Wikia, but the king and queen like to give me odd jobs, as well. You remember that one time-
Candle Man: WE WILL NOT BRING THAT UP. Anyway, could I get a hamburger with-
Baghead: Sorry dude. Hamburgers are over there.
(He points his spatula at another barbecue, which has hamburgers on it. 202 is the person grilling.)
Shaduck: They got 202, as well?
Baghead: Well, it is a community barbecue. Workers of Wikia are the chefs and chefettes. The king and queen are right over there!
(The king and queen are supplying buns and condiments at a white tableclothed table.)
Candle Man: Hm. Makes sense.
Baghead: Wait, where’s L-
Candle Man, Shaduck, and Mystic: Food truck.
Baghead: Right, right.
Mystic: Hopefully he doesn’t eat all the pizza. If he did, he’d be one bad dog.
Baghead: I think it’s too late for that.
(Offscreen, they hear shouting.)
Palpatine: GET OUT, AND DON’T COME BACK!
Mystic: Hand me that rolled up newspaper.
Baghead: No.
(Limefong runs up to the four.)
Limefong: That’s the last time I take the “All you can eat” sign seriously.
Shaduck: I thought the last time was when you tried to eat Dewey.
(Mystic takes the newspaper and proceeds to smack Limefong with the rolled up newspaper on the rear.)
Limefong: Hey!
Baghead: Could you please take this somewhere el-
(Suddenly, an explosion happens behind them. The smoke clears, revealing the Spammers.)
Whickey: WE HEREBY CRASH THIS COMMUNITY BARBECUE!
Candle Man: But it’s a community-Ugh, never mind. Time to light it up! (Under his breath.) Even if this was supposed to be a time of fun, not battle...
(He throws fireballs at the Spammers. One sets Maps’ cape on fire, who runs away looking for water. Mystic then uses some of her magic to throw the other Spammers back into the lair.)
Mystic: AND STAY OUT!
Shaduck: That was quick. I didn’t even have to put down my bratwurst.
(Suddenly, they see someone run out of the park.)
Candle Man: That must be Maps!
Limefong: Get her!
Baghead: But guys!-
(The four run after Maps, who runs across block after block. The four heroes are following her, followed by Baghead, who has lost his chef hat, apron, and spatula.)
Baghead: GUYS! LISTEN TO ME! MAPS-
Candle Man: Enough, Baghead! Let us catch her!
(They chase the presumed Maps into a building. The four do not go in instantly.)
Candle Man: You think you can hide from us in there? HIIIYA!
(He kicks the door open, and the four gawk at what they see, but the camera doesn’t show it yet. The camera finally shows what it is… it is…)
Mystic: (Offscreen.) It’s a library!
(The four are now onscreen, shown in the doorway.)
Baghead: (ffscreen.) No..this is not a library..
(Baghead emerges from offscreen.)
Baghead: It’s the Baghead Wiki.
(Silence for a brief moment, then laughing erupts from the four, with Candle Man even pointing at Baghead.)
Candle Man: Oh, Baghead... (Wiping tears) Don’t be childish, there’s no such thing as a (Continues laughing, even louder than previously) BAGHEAD WIKI!
Baghead: Oh, laugh it up. Don’t think I haven’t noticed your chronic advertising of Candlepedia.
Candle Man: Okay, okay. But what do you do here that makes it look like a library?
Baghead: I archive adventures and all sorts of events and roleplays involving this town and you guys… sometimes. That person you were chasing was my assistant archiver, Goxic.
(Goxic walks out from behind a few shelves.)
Goxic: Hello, you four.
Shaduck: But wait, why were you dressed like Maps?
Goxic: DUH! Ever heard of cosplay? I participate in all kinds of art.
Mystic: That is...weirdly...oh how do I describe it...geeky, if you ask me.
Goxic: It gets fun! Trust me.
Mystic: (Looking at her phone of pictures of her furry phase as she grumbles.) For you it was fun…
Shaduck: You know, I’ve had enough of those photos. (Deletes the photos.)
Mystic: That actually makes me feel better.
Shaduck: Hmph.
Candle Man: But when did you find the time to do something like this?
Baghead: I work here every now and then, mainly while you’re out doing silly adventures.
Goxic: We were going to unveil this place next Wiki-con, before you guys showed up.
Limefong: Do you mind if we look around?
Baghead: Not anymore, I don’t.
Candle Man: Koolio.
(Scene cuts to a small room with a four pane window on a wall. Two walls have shelves, and the literal fourth wall of the room [which is not shown] is the door. The ceiling is low, but not that low. It just barely fits them all without pain or problems.)
Baghead: This cozy little room is where I keep my most sacred and sentimental memories and adventures.
Mystic: You should make this room bigger, so you can have more furniture up in here than just that comfortable recliner.
(Limefong, even though not speaking, is sitting in the comfortable recliner. He is visibly pained from the newspaper spanking.)
Baghead: Nah. This is supposed to be only for me, anyway.
Candle Man: ...So what memories are all in here?
Baghead: Well, one is the time when I saved you on the subway.
Candle Man: For the last time, you didn’t save me!
Mystic: Is it story time? Mother Galaxia always told me stories...mostly of how I was a cranky baby.
Shaduck: Yay, a story! But honestly, ew, Mystic.
Candle Man: No, I-...fine.
(Shaduck, Mystic, and Goxic sit on the floor [Limefong sitting in the recliner]. Baghead and Candle Man stand up before Mystic gets back up.)
Mystic: I am sorry, but I am not sitting on the dirty floor. It’s not very godlike to do such a thing!
Limefong: Neither is spanking a dog. Sit on the floor, you silver spoon.
(She grabs a throw pillow and sits on it. Baghead takes a deep breath before starting the story.)
Baghead: It was eight years ago. Candle Man and I had just moved to Wikia, him living with my family, and we were struggling to fit in. Well, he was, anyways...
(Flashback begins. Candle Man and Baghead are shown looking at a map of Wikia.)
Baghead: (Narrating) We wanted to have a bite at the Wikia Bakery, but my mom and dad had taken their cars, and our bikes were broken, so we had to find another way to get there...
(Candle Man points at a blue line connecting where they were to Wikia Bakery.)
Candle Man: How about we take the subway?
Baghead: I dunno about that, Bot. I heard that some weird things happened there.
Candle Man: C’mon, it’ll be fun! I’ve never been on one before!
Baghead: Fine, I’ll go, but only because you need someone who has been on one to accompany you.
(They find the stairway to the subway and descent into it. It takes them to the subway station and they get on a train after it pulls up a few seconds later. Now they stand and hold onto a pole as they move across town.)
Candle Man: It’s so dang crowded!
Baghead: Lotta people don’t use cars, especially when this is a new town and many cars have not been imported yet.
Candle Man: Are these things safe?
Baghead: Sure they are! But you gotta watch out for muggers.
Candle Man: M-m-m-muggers?
Baghead: (narration) Little did we know, there was going to be a little encounter on that same subway.
(Silence for a moment.)
Candle Man: So, what do you want to get at the bakery?
Baghead: The most expensive thing! I made a big score today working for the king. I’m moderately rich!
Candle Man: Yay! What can I get!
Baghead: Whatever you want under five dollars.
Candle Man: Hmph.
(This catches the attention of a 2003 General Grievous-esque person sitting in front of a window. His eyes shift around, then he jumps out the window. Everybody on the subway screams.)
Baghead: RELAX! No one is hurt. Just some brittle glass.
(The duo continue to stand and look away from the people behind them. One by one, people begin to be taken out of the subway by an unknown figure behind the duo. Soon, it is only Baghead, Candle Man, and another person.)
The other person: Can you tell me how many classical pieces of music play in the background in the Gumbo Sho-
(The man who jumped out the window slams through the roof and lands on the person, rendering them unconscious.)
Candle Man: AHHHHHHH!
(Baghead, thinking fast, Force pushes the man out another window.)
Candle Man: Pheee-youuu!
Baghead: He’ll be back.
Candle Man: What are you going to do?
Baghead: This.
(He ignites his lightsaber. Instead of orange, it is a bright blue. He stabs the wall of the subway train, and slowly, the wall begins to melt, forming an ever-growing hole.)
Candle Man: CAN YOU DO THAT ANY FASTER?!
Baghead: MELTING A HOLE TAKES TIME!
(Rattling is heard on the roof.)
Candle Man: WHAT WAS THAT?!
Baghead: Relax! It’s just the subway.
(The rattling stops. Baghead is shown on screen only. A non-broken window is behind him.)
Baghead: See? It was nothing.
(The man who was Force pushed by Baghead hangs behind the window upside down, only seeing his upside down head. Candle Man is now the only one shown on screen.)
Candle Man: AHHH!
(The man jumps through the window, landing in the subway. He is tall and wears a light gray cape.)
Cape Dude: I am Aggio Vous. Give me your wallets, and no more people get hurt.
Baghead: I don’t think so.
(He presses another button on his lightsaber, and another blade comes out of the bottom. However, Aggio is quick, taking out a spear-like weapon and parrying the attack.)
Baghead: (narration) He had a blade pike, which was a weapon that could resist lightsaber blades!
Candle Man: Baghead, do something!
Baghead: I have. Look.
(The wall Baghead was melting has turned into a giant hole.)
Candle Man: WHAT DO WE DO NOW?!
Baghead: JUMP!
(The two jump out of the subway train in sync while it is still moving. Aggio tries to jump out too, but Baghead pushes the man against the wall until the train is gone. Baghead lands on his stomach, letting out a grunt. Candle Man tumbles as he jumps out, but nearly rams straight into a pillar, before Baghead stops him in midair using the Force.)
Candle Man: Aah!
Baghead: It’s alright, I got you.
(He lets Candle Man down.)
Candle Man: THAT JUMP COULD’VE KILLED ME!
Baghead: Hey, I saved you, didn’t I?!
Candle Man: SOME RESCUE!
Baghead: Relax! We’re only a few blocks from the Wikia Bakery.
(Candle Man glances at a map he landed near, making Baghead’s statement true.)
Baghead: C’mon! It’s on me!
Candle Man: Well, if you put it that way…
(They walk up the stairs. Flashback ends.)
Baghead: And to this day, he’s been saying that I did not save his butt.
Mystic: You obviously did.
Candle Man: No, he didn’t!
Shaduck: A bad rescue, sure, but it was a rescue.
Candle Man: UGH!
(Scene changes to the second floor of the archives. Baghead takes out a book and shows the cover to everyone but Goxic, who stands behind Baghead, unlike the others. The cover says...)
Baghead: “A Brief History of Fandax”. One of my favorite authors, Luke Jameson, penned this book.
Mystic: This must be a recent book, then.
Baghead: No, no. This book is many centuries old. I’d read it to you, but Candle Man already knows the story. I could lend to you after Wiki-con, though.
Goxic: Oh my gosh! I totally forgot to set up our Wiki-con stand!
Baghead: Darn it, Goxic! (To the Main 4.) Guys, can I count on you to watch over this place while I help Goxic set up the stand?
Candle Man: Sure!
Mystic: We won’t destroy anything!
Baghead: I hope I can trust you. I’ll be back soon.
(He and Goxic run off.)
Candle Man: You know, I wonder what Baghead wrote about our adventures.
Shaduck: He has to have them on a shelf somewhere!
Limefong: Let’s go find them!
(The four split up. Cuts to Shaduck, who goes over to a large bookshelf and takes out a book, and reads its name out loud.)
Shaduck: “Concealing Your Face For Dummies”. Hm, understandable.
(Cuts to Candle Man, who comes across another book, and reads its name out loud.)
Candle Man: “The War on Ferdango”. I might borrow this one.
(And now, to Mystic, who finds another large bookshelf and reads the name of the genre, which is plastered on a bookend.)
Mystic: “Roleplays”. Not here, I guess.
Limefong: (Offscreen.) Hey guys, over here!
(They all run over to the far corner of the wiki. Limefong removes the first book on the shelf.)
Limefong: “The Collected Adventures of Botuczy Fiery Candle and Friends: Volume I. By Baghead Brown”.
Candle Man: Well, open it up!
(Limefong cracks open the book and begins reading aloud.)
Limefong: “Chapter I. I have not been around for long. Heck, I’m only 19!”
Candle Man: 19?!
Limefong: Hold up, there’s an asterisk. “I was born 17 years prior to UCP’s reign of terror in a different galaxy, and time is different here, placing my birth 15 years prior to UCP’s reign of terror.”
Candle Man: I see. Carry on.
Limefong: “But what I have seen from the being known as Botuczy Fiery Candle is… different, in one word. While I have been ceasing attacks in one galaxy, he’s been doing the same to another. Here. And he has a set of friends to help him.”
(Fades in and out of different parts of the book.)
Limefong: “…I remember this day more than any other. To think the one day that changes Candle Man’s life, I’m somewhere else trying to save a slug from choking! But, I was around. I can remember that basketball game…”
(Fade.)
Limefong: “…Yes, I witnessed the destruction. So much of it. UCP was indeed sent from Hell, but so many houses… destroyed. So much… gone. I did as much as I could to help, but in the end, I knew who had to do something about it: Bot.”
(Fade.)
Limefong: “Call me crazy, but I saw it again. Only this time, it was different. I saw one, maybe two structures collapsing, and then a flash of light went across the city. Not long later, I learned Mystic did it. She had no influence on the damage done, however, and that was only resolved after MediaWiki was restored.”
(Fade.)
Limefong: “...I remembered Luis. Luis, the man who destroyed my formal working career. Luis, who ruined my chance to get an early start on college. When I saw what he amounted to, I didn’t know what to think. The very same thing happened again… when I realized how important it was we stay together.”
(Fade.)
Limefong: “Any time I’m in Corukan, I visit the grave of my master. They never did find the body, and why should they try? Why would I want to see my dead master, the man I trusted, the man I considered my second father?! But, I visited it. Every time.” End of Volume VI.
(The Candle Friends are shown crying.)
Candle Man: I-I never knew how he saw it.
Mystic: C-c-can we start volume seven?
Offscreen Person: No.
(Baghead and Goxic walk up.)
Baghead: We’ve finished setting up the stand, and now we ask you to come see it.
(Everyone walks into the Wiki-con building. It is very large and dark. The lights are switched on, and Baghead guides them to see the stand. At the top of the stand, there is a big banner that says, “Baghead Wiki”. On the table, there are many things: Galactic Battleground action figures, a charred frying pan, many papers, a packet full of information, a mug in the shape of a bag [filled with chocolate milk], and a large book. Limefong picks up the book and reads the title.)
Limefong: “Baghead and Botuczy’s Roleplays: Volume I.
Mystic: Why is all of this stuff here?
Candle Man: And why did it take so long to construct?
Baghead: Well, we had to make the stand from scratch.
Goxic: We came in and out of the archives to grab some things once.
Shaduck: Hold on. When? Why didn’t we notice?
(Flashback to a few hours earlier. Limefong is reading volume two of the books regarding themselves. The Candle Friends listen closely while trying not to cry.)
Limefong: “Xerk and his army was ruthless. Why did they do this stuff, anyhow? His army destroyed R8, badly damaged Arr-Seven, and broke my legs! But I pushed on.”
(In the background, Baghead walks into the building and upstairs.)
Limefong: “Hozher and I covered each other. Kraske got Arr-Seven away, but the cost was his life. It was not in vain, however,”
(Goxic walks quite loudly upstairs. Baghead drops something made of glass and loudly curses. The Candle Friends are oblivious to this.)
Limefong: “…because R7-A1 saved my life in return.”
(Baghead and Goxic run loudly downstairs and jump over the last three steps, making two loud pounds sound. Flashback ends.)
Candle Man: I doubt that happened.
Baghead: Okay then. Doubt it.
(Mystic turns away from the stand and takes a look at the rest.)
Mystic: Wow! I never knew so many of our friends had wikis!
(Pans over each stand as she reads the names written on the top of the stands.)
Mystic: “Kellie Presents: SDR Wiki”… 
Limefong: “Constellations Wiki by Agen Chupaka”…
Candle Man: Wait, what’s, “Shaduck’s Test Wiki?”
(They all turn to look at Shaduck.)
Shaduck: Okay, so I may have booked a slot in wiki-con.
Mystic: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US?!
Shaduck: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE UNDER WRAPS!
Baghead: Let’s go back in the wiki.
(They walk back in. Another person is already in there, taking a volume of “Baghead’s Jedi Business, Volume I”.)
Goxic: We’ve really worked hard on making this wiki a masterpiece.
Baghead: Many people have helped us out, and in return, we give them early access to the archives. Good afternoon, Duddman!
(Duddman turns around and gives a short smile before leaving the room.)
Goxic: We even got C0F-3 to narrate the audiobooks!
(Goxic plays a video on his phone. In the video is C0F-3, in a robe, sitting in a comfy chair next to a lit fireplace, a book in her lap.)
Video C0F-3: “The Bagheaded Cookbook, by Baghead Brown.” Okay, I’m just gonna skip to the best recipe. (Flips to a page in the book.) “Step one: Take twenty coffee beans, and put them in C0F-3’s left arm. Step two: When the beans are gri-”
(Goxic stops the video.)
Baghead: When this place opens, everyone will want to use it!
Goxic: Now, come along. We still have two stories to show you.
Candle Man: When we’re in the middle of archives, it’s hard to know what exactly you’re talking about.
Baghead: Just come upstairs.
(They walk offscreen. Meanwhile, loud running is heard outside before Maps busts in, her long jacket charred, looking for a bathroom.)
Maps: I really shouldn’t have drank all that water in the lake when I jumped in it.
(She looks and sees a fountain, with water pouring out of Baghead’s eye holes and deactivated lightsaber. She tenses and yelps a little bit before running into a public restroom not far from the entrance.)
Maps: (Offscreen.) Ahhhhh…
(She flushes, washes her hands [still offscreen], and comes out zipping up her pants. This is when she realizes where she is: the ultimate archives surrounding one of her foes.)
Maps: Wow. This seems like a Baghead… museum! I wonder what all of this is about.
(She walks through numerous aisles of shelves, reading the names of each section and flipping through interesting books.)
Maps: This knowledge could really help out the Spammers! Heh, that would be funny. Our own enemy, giving us his weakness? That’s so stu- oh, someone’s coming!
(Baghead, Goxic, and the main Candle Friends come back down the same spiral staircase the former two used when grabbing their stuff earlier. Maps hides in a shadowy nook between two bookshelves put against the wall.)
Baghead: We were thinking of employing C0F-1 and C0F-2 here as security guards, and make them serve a purpose instead of being garage ornaments.
Limefong: Good idea.
Mystic: You should have more than two guards, though. Why not make C0F-4 and 5?
Baghead: Nah. I’d be here routinely, anyway.
Candle Man: Well, I can’t wait for Wiki-con!
Limefong: Me neither!
Baghead: Well, then I guess you’re in luck. Wiki-con’s tomorrow!
Mystic: Then I guess we’ll see you tomorrow. For now, let’s get back to the community barbecue we abandoned.
Baghead: Let’s hope someone covered for me, or else there’ll be some very charred hot dogs on my grill.
(They walk out of the building, and Maps crawls out of her hiding spot.)
Maps: Wiki-con, eh? (Turns on a walkie-talkie.) Fellow Spammers, I have a plan for tomorrow. Stand by until I return to your position.
(Cuts to the next morning. Baghead, half awake, is playing Galactic Battleground: Fallen Army when C0F-3 walks into the living room.)
C0F-3: Sir, C0F-1 and C0F-2 have been upgraded for security guard occupations!
Baghead: (Slurring a little bit.) I know. YOU DID IT ALL NIGHT!!!
C0F-3: Sorry, sir, but you told me to do it on short notice. I can’t just wave a magic wand and have them instantly upgraded.
Baghead: (Chuckle.) I don’t remember you ever developing a sarcastic personality.
C0F-3: Living with you has that effect.
Baghead: Well, we got a big day ahead of us. Prep the car!
C0F-3: Yes, sir.
(Meanwhile, The Candle Car rolls up to Wiki-con, but crashes into a fire hydrant, which starts spewing water everywhere.)
Shaduck: Here we are. Wiki-con.
Candle Man: I don’t know why we keep letting you drive.
Limefong: Hey, how come we never heard about this earlier?
Shaduck: This is their first annual.
Candle Man: But that still doesn’t answer my question. How come we didn’t hear about it?
(Quick and short flashbacks from the climaxes in “Moving In”, “Chick Love”, “Once More Dystopia”, “Strength Struggles”, “Eggplanted”, “Kyber Crisis”, and “Rachel’s Birthday” are shown.)
Mystic: Ah, I see.
(They open the large doors, and the Wiki-con is fascinating. Stands advertising wikis everywhere, Wiki-con exclusive items are being sold, and there is even a food court table with pizz-)
Limefong: Excuse me for a while.
(Limefong dashes away.)
Candle Man: Now, let’s find Baghead.
(They locate Baghead’s stand, but only Goxic is there.)
Goxic: Uh, hey.
Shaduck: Hey.
Mystic: Where is Baghead?
Goxic: (Shrugs.) Beats me. Check the archives, I guess.
(Scene cuts to them entering the archives.)
Candle Man: I wonder why he wasn’t the-
(They all notice the same thing.)
Mystic: The archives!
Candle Man: They’ve been raided!
(A car is wrecked outside, so the Candle Friends go inspect. Baghead is at the wheel, but he is fast asleep. C0F-3 is steering from shotgun, and the other three droids are in the backseat. The airbag pops out and Baghead uses it as a pillow.)
Shaduck: I never saw Baghead as a reckless driver.
C0F-3: (Sighs.) He was up all night. At least Goxic has everything taken care of.
(The Candle Friends look at each other nervously.)
Candle Man: See, this is where it gets awkward.
(Scene suddenly cuts to the Candle Friends [minus Limefong] and and the droids running into the empty archives.)
C0F-3: Are we just supposed to set up the security droids and hope no one notices they’re guarding nothing?
Mystic: No!
Candle Man: We’re going to find the person who did all this! But uh, where do we start?
(C0F-3 rolls her eye and sighs.)
C0F-3: First off, I think Limefong carries the brain power for all three of you.
Candle Man, Mystic, and Shaduck: Hmph.
C0F-3: And secondly, you should check the security cameras, brainboxes.
(Candle Man rips a camera off the wall and hooks it up to R7-A1, who projects the camera memory. On it, the Spammers ransack archive after archive and put it in a big wagon.)
Mystic: Them again?!
Video Maps: Thank goodness that Candle Man caused me to run away! Mystic couldn’t fling someone that wasn’t there!
(They all turn and angrily glare at Candle Man.)
Candle Man: WHAT?!
Shaduck: Your attack on Maps led to Baghead getting his work stolen!
Candle Man: WELL IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!!
Everyone: YES IT WAS!!!
Mystic: Well, let’s get them back!
Candle Man: (To the droids.) You guys continue what Baghead was gonna do with you guys.
C0F-3: You mean set up the security guards?
Shaduck: Yeah, that.
(The trio run over to Baghead’s car. They push Baghead into the backseat and put the airbag away.)
Shaduck: I’ll get us to the Spammers’ lair in no time!
(Shaduck gets into the driver’s seat, but Candle Man pushes him over to the passenger seat.)
Candle Man: Not this time, Shaduck.
(He gets into the driver’s seat, Mystic sitting behind Shaduck and Baghead asleep behind Candle Man, and starts the car.)
Candle Man: Okay, good, he didn’t completely wreck it.
(He puts the car in reverse, pulling it out of the makeshift parking spot, and puts it on the road. Mystic points to something.)
Mystic: Hey! That’s an archive! We can follow the trail the Spammers obviously left!
(The book’s title is, “Their Powers and I”. However, the Spammers, in the car they used in “Magic Bag’’, drive up, pick up the book they dropped, and speed away.)
Candle Man: It’s them!
Shaduck: Follow that car!
(Candle Man chases after it, spending through both lanes of the road and making several cars get out of their way. The Spammers hang a hard right, and Candle Man does the same. In the backseat, the sleeping Baghead flimsily moves along with the turn, and his head lands on Mystic’s lap. She screams.)
Shaduck: What now?!
Mystic: THERE IS A SLEEPING PERSON ON MY LAP!
Candle Man: GET HIM OFF, THEN!
(Mystic grabs a pencil and uses the eraser to push Baghead upright. However, Candle Man hangs another right, and Baghead’s body lands on Mystic. She screams louder.)
Candle Man: JUST DEAL WITH IT!
Mystic: HE’S DROOLING!
Candle Man: HIS BAG IS CATCHING I-
(He hits a speed bump, and the car goes high in the air. When it comes back down, Candle Man hits his head and goes unconscious. Shaduck moves him to the passenger seat, moves to the driver’s seat, and continues the driving.)
Shaduck: My turn. Hope CM’s okay, though.
(Shaduck steers recklessly through parks and “shortcuts”. He makes several hard turns and once makes a flip with the car.)
Shaduck: YAHOO!
(Finally, Shaduck makes the car go top speed, and comes neck and neck with the Spammers’ car. Maps [at the wheel] and Whickey are inside.)
Shaduck: GIVE US THE BOOKS!
Whickey: NEVER!
(Mystic, having enough, pushes the sleeping Baghead off of her, pulls Candle Man into the backseat, and gets in the passenger seat. She grabs Baghead’s lightsaber.)
Mystic: So, how does this thing work?...
(She activates it, and it pierces the windshield.)
Shaduck: MYSTIC!
Mystic: Sorry, sorry!
(She tries to get it out, but it only produces a deep slash into the windshield.)
Shaduck: MYSTIC!
Mystic: SORRY!
(Mystic takes the lightsaber, rolls down the window, and starts slicing through the Spammers’ car.)
Maps: HEY!
Mystic: GIVE US THE BOOKS!
Maps: NO!
(Meanwhile, in the backseat, Baghead wakes up.)
Baghead: Ugh… where am I? What’s going on? Why is Mystic using my lightsaber?
Mystic: Shut up, Baghead!
Baghead: No! Gimme my lightsaber!
(Baghead snatches the lightsaber, but not before the Spammers’ car is bisected, causing Maps and Whickey to be driving the front half of the car while oblivious to what happened to the back.)
Whickey: Hey, did this car just get lighter?
(He looks back and the back of the car is gone.)
Whickey: AHHHH!
Maps: WHAT?!
Whickey: KEEP DRIVING BEFORE THE BALANCE IS MESSED UP!
(Shaduck stops the car. The back of the Spammers’ car comes to a stop, and the archives spill out. Everyone gets out of the car, Baghead rubbing his eyes and Candle Man still unconscious.)
Baghead: I have so many questions.
Shaduck: Then I’ll put it simply: the Spammers were jerks again.
Baghead: Ah.
Mystic: Dang it! The Wiki-con! I’ll bet your wiki had its unveiling!
Shaduck: Darn it! 
Baghead: Don’t worry, I’ll get us there in no time!
(Baghead uses the Force to put the archives in the trunk, and everyone gets back in the car, Shaduck in the passenger seat and Mystic back in the backseat.)
Shaduck: But this car is slow!
Baghead: My modifications work for me, not you.
(He starts the car and it speeds away at a fast pace. Fades to them parking at the Baghead Wiki. Candle Man is conscious now. They all run into the building, but what is going on in there is not anything they expected: People are inside, looking around and peacefully reading and watching whatever’s in there. Goxic greets them.)
Baghead: Goxic… how?
Goxic: The audiobooks your droid made won the crowd over! I brought out some of our emergency stories for people to read, and now that you’re here, we can put all the stuff back!
(Everyone from behind Goxic cheers. C0F-1 and C0F-2 are walking around the wiki, their security guard occupation having begun. Limefong runs up from the Wiki-con building across the street.)
Limefong: Hey, guys! What’s up?
Shaduck: It’s a long story.
Candle Man: But all’s well that ends well!
(Zooms out on the scene.)
Baghead: Now hold on a second.
(Zooms back in.)
Baghead: I have a feeling this Spammers stuff was your idea.
Candle Man: So?
Baghead: The shelving of all these books is something you guys will do.
The Candle Friends: Ugh!
Baghead: Meanwhile, I’ll go bask in my life’s downtime work!
(He walks back in with Goxic.)
Shaduck: Hmph. I don’t wanna shelve all these books.
Candle Man: I’ve got an idea! Let’s borrow all these books, turn them in tomorrow, and then they’ll have to shelve them!
Everyone: YEAH!
Mystic: Let’s do it!
(All four grab as many as they can carry and run away. Episode ends.)
Category:Transcripts
Category:Candle Man & Friends
Category:Season 1