Eon: The Frozen Fates (Spring 2009)

In which the party steals and thence simultaneously captains no less than three ships, discovers that Goneril is really freaking cold, and everyone pretends to be someone else (or themselves from another time) at least twice.
== Episodes ==
=== Season Premiere: I Am a Flaming Moltres! ===
:See also: The Assassination of Highman Grax
:It's a beautiful summer day in Graxboro. Birds are singing, small animals are being painfully adorable, and the Toggenburg Corporation is wondering exactly why they decided to get mixed up in the assassination of the dictator of war-torn Baldur. Answer: they are suckers for appeals to come in and save the goddamned day. Regardless of their intentions, Highman Grax's caravan is expected to arrive at 7 p.m., Graxboro itself is full of a hostile army waiting for a pep talk, and they might not be the only ones working on this. Yeah, this could get complicated.
:The party regroups for a planning session and finds themselves down one. Namely, their prisoner Tyro Avampour is gone, and so are his weapons. Gauve doesn't even bother with a convincing bluff check and tells an angry Yolanda that he was just unleashing a force of righteous fury in Grax's direction. Ethan, meanwhile, thanks Gauve for letting Tyro go; he'd wanted to do the same for some time now, but was both wary of the party's reaction and of letting Tyro loose near innocent people. This way, Tyro gets to go crazy on people Ethan already dislikes, and everyone is busy blaming Gauve! Everyone wins!
:Ashra distracts the party from the growing argument over whether or not they should have let a questionable asshole go free by reminding everyone that they should probably figure out just how to deal with Grax, since waltzing into Graxboro and announcing, "We're in your base, killin' your dudes!" probably will be insufficient for their needs. To that end, Ashra has an idea that might eliminate the need to sneak into Graxboro altogether.
:Ashra hypothesizes that Grax will be coming in from the north. To that end, they have plenty of time to lay an ambush for Grax's caravan. Hiding in the forest will be far easier than sneaking into Graxboro, Grax will be accompanied by fewer soldiers than he would be in Graxboro itself, and given the Circle of the True's style, the party won't get mixed up with their inevitable assassination attempt. Claire tells him that she needs to be close to Grax for her death attack, but Ashra says that can be easily arranged if she likes climbing trees. In fact, the party could start felling trees to either crush parts of the caravan or block its path. If Ulfgar has any Alchemist's Fire left, they can add to the chaos by lighting the procession on fire.
:Ethan interrupts Ashra's planning spree by telling him that he really dislikes this plan. He doubts that Grax would ever travel without assuming an assassination attempt would be made on him. The idea of the assassination attempt in Graxboro itself is to take out Grax alone, whereas this plan involves fighting their way through Grax's elite guard. Ashra assures him that he's thought of that, and he already has three escape routes planned. Ethan is unconvinced but willing to let Ashra keep planning, Gauve sides with Ethan, but the rest of the party is fascinated by the prospect of throwing Alchemist's Fire at the Supreme Dictator of Baldur. You have to admit, that would be awesome.
:Ashra runs this plan past Sluf, who also says that if they can pull it off, it would be awesome. As a matter of principle, Ashra asks how Sluf had planned for Claire to get into Graxboro undetected. Sluf tells him that there is a tunnel leading into a building in Graxboro that starts from a hidden door nearby. There is also the outside chance that they could bluff their way through the front gates. Graxboro now has walls with guard towers, which is a recent addition, but a sufficiently talented person might be able to climb them. Once they're in the city, they'll probably have to take out the inevitable snipers covering Grax, but he's sure that they can manage that quietly enough for Claire to line up and take her shot.
:Claire interjects here and tells them that she really wants the killing blow, but even if she doesn't personally strike it, she's going to claim the kill anyway so she can get paid. The party is okay with this; they've already dealt with two assassination attempts on them, and any more public shenanigans will probably end with every bounty hunter on the Northern Continent actively coming after them. Besides, Claire was the one initially hired for the job, and they're just here to provide the backup. Really, really thorough backup.
:Gauve and Ethan retreat into a corner of Sluf's House of ILLUUUUUUSION and start making contingency plans in case Ashra's cunning plan goes absolutely balls-up. They get sidetracked onto the topic of liches, so Ethan breaks out his copy of the Libris Mortis, the Necronomicon, and three translations of The Book of the Dead. Gauve starts making extra contingency plans for Grax's inevitable reveal as a polymorphed lich, and Ethan starts taking notes from the books and from Gauve's ranting for his own edification.
:Jaxil mentions to Ethan and Yolanda that he actually kind of wants to keep heading north to the Ruins of Eldergrin to deal with saving his sister from the Red Plague, and he has dreams of taming a Dire Beaver on his way. Therefore, he might end up parting ways with the party here. Yolanda and Ethan are okay with this, and can respect someone wanting to get the hell out of dodge before they become wanted for the murder of Highman Grax.
:(Was this the part where we found a hawk sent by a druid standing in front of a Neogi Spelljammer (freshly remade with mythril, no less) to spy on Ulfgar and hit him with lightning?)
:Flash forward to 4.57 p.m. The party returns to the clearing where Vishnu told them to meet his messenger. Fab Dick Obscures the Eye of Moradin and wraps it in a masterwork cloth. Ethan Ghoul Glyphs the cloth and puts the wrapped Eye in a box, which Andrey takes. At 5.00 p.m. precisely, everyone makes will saves.
:A red-eyed man in dark armor descends from the sky on a bat-winged, fanged horse. He comes bearing a special aberration-killing crossbow bolt made of acadia wood, on order from Sluf for Claire. He initially doesn't believe that they are the recipients of the bolt, so Ethan calls up Vishnu on the Speakstone and gets bitched out for calling at this hour of the night. The red-eyed man asks if these are, in fact, the intended recipients of the bolt. Vishnu says that they are, which satisfies the man. Ethan and Fab Dick tell him to get a lackey to open the box and take out the Eye for him, as it has several protective spells on it. Vishnu agrees and hangs up.
:The trade of the Eye for the bolt is made, and then half of the party asks for their reward from Vishnu. After some mutual confusion, Ethan explains that he worked for Baudin Dommilan for free because he felt like it, so he tends to forget about things like actually getting paid in exchange for work as opposed to just having all the money you want. The rest of the party agrees that Ethan is touched in the head, and eventually impress upon the red-eyed man that they want Vishnu to send them their loot. It would have been really useful for us to have it before we go assassinate the dictator of Baldur, you know. Thanks.
:The party doesn't have long to get organized for the ambush on Grax's caravan, if they are going to go through with it. They've scoped out a decent location far enough from Graxboro that interference from the city guard will probably come too late. Both sides of the road are thickly wooded, so the party can easily hide on either side. After a quick discussion, Fab Dick, Ulfgar, Yolanda, and Shiolay are on one side of the road, and Gauve, Claire, Ethan, Tobo, and Andrey will be on the other. Ashra plans to levitate to about 200 feet up to be an aerial scout, as his combat abilities are very limited. Ethan and Fab Dick are to cover the road in fire and negative energy, Gauve and Claire to make sneak attacks, Tobo to bolster everyone's spirits and Power Chord things, Shiolay to summon and be a healer if everything goes balls-up, Andrey to focus on healing if everything goes balls-up, Yolanda to bring trees down on the caravan, and Ulfgar to weigh in with Alchemist's Fire and the Shatterspike.
:As people scale trees, hide behind rocks, cast Invisibility, or otherwise blend into the shadows, Ashra levitates just to the top of the treeline, gazes north, and says that he's going to feel really silly if Grax shows up from the south.
:He has nothing to fear, though; within half an hour, Ashra spots a large convoy headed towards the party from the north, preceded by a few scouts on horses. Everyone stays where they are, checks their weapons and/or spell components, and holds their breath in anticipation of are we seriously going to do this?
:The scouts pass by without noticing the party. Ashra stays where he is as the convoy approaches. There are three carriages, each flanked by six heavily armed guards on foot. The center one looks the gaudiest, but any of them could be carrying Grax. Ashra thinks that Grax is probably just outside the range from which he could read Ashra's mind. Ashra is still too young of a mindflayer to have that ability himself, so he can't be certain. Meanwhile, Ethan realizes that he's within sixty feet of the caravan, checks it for magic, and is figuratively blinded by all the enchantments and other spells layered over the carriages. He relays this to Ashra and tells him that going through with the attack now would be a bad, bad idea. They probably couldn't put a dent in the caravan if they tried. Ashra reluctantly agrees, and the party stays very still until the caravan has passed. Once its rear guard is out of sight and out of hearing, they race back to Sluf's house to get ready for the main event in Graxboro.
:As they head back, the party decides that going into Graxboro via the secret tunnel is probably their best bet. Shiolay and Ulfgar plan to trail the rest of the party through the tunnels to make sure they aren't being followed. Upon returning to Sluf's place, he shows them to the tunnel, wishes them luck, and runs like hell.
:Everyone but Shiolay and Ulfgar head out. Those two give the rest of the party about a quarter of a mile's head start before following. Not long after they begin to follow the party, Shiolay notices that someone is tailing them. Ulfgar and Shiolay turn to find a confused monk wondering what all the excitement is about, and can he join in? After ascertaining that the monk has no preference as to whether Grax lives or dies, Ulfgar and Shiolay take him along.
:The rest of the party emerges in the back of an alley behind a two-story building. Gauve, Andrey, Tobo, and Fab Dick stick to the alleyways, while Yolanda, Ashra, and Ethan head into the building. Claire fades into the shadows and starts making her way to her sniping point. There are already several snipers covering the center of town from the windows inside the building, and guards posted all along the streets. The party stays hidden and waits for Claire to make her move.
:Right on time, Grax rolls into the center of town, levitates just enough so that everyone can see him, waits for his guards to form up around him, and begins a speech. Ashra listens in: the speech is pompous, arrogant, and would be kind of boring if it wasn't of personal interest to most of the audience. From what little Ashra can remember of Grax, this seems about par for the course. He starts to wonder if the Mother Brain of Baldur is even there at all any more, and if not, why Grax is still here.
:While Grax speaks, Claire loads the special bolt into her crossbow, lines up the shot, spends half a minute aiming, and takes her death attack.
:Grax saves against instant death, but the bolt does its work and hurts him badly. All hell breaks loose as the guards rush around trying to see where the shot came from. Grax seizes the opportunity to rally his troops even more, Claire reloads her crossbow, Ethan, Ashra, and Yolanda run upstairs to take out the snipers, and Fab Dick and Gauve open fire on the guards on the street.
:Meanwhile, Ulfgar, Shiolay, and the monk (whom Ethan now dubs Elwood, just because) emerge from the tunnel, close it up after them, and also run into the building. Shiolay and Elwood stay downstairs as Ulfgar races upstairs. Ashra has gone up to the roof of the building by now, and is laying low and giving telepathic updates on the situation outside. Yolanda and Ethan start taking down the snipers at the window, aided by Ulfgar. The last one that they subdue falls out of the window as he dies, crashing through the glass and plummeting to the street below. The chaos in the streets gets even worse as the guards notice that one of their snipers has been killed and rush to the building in question.
:In the street itself, a handful of the guards throw off their cloaks to reveal white robes: the Circle of the True is in town, led by Aura Larellian. They promptly start pounding their way through the other guards towards Grax.
:Outside the building, Gauve ninjas past a few Fireballs while fending off any guards that come near him. Fab Dick lends support from behind him, but they can't keep it up for long. What few hits Gauve takes are serious ones, and Fab Dick can barely take hits at all. Tobo and Andrey, on the other hand, somehow get to the building across the street where Claire is and start sneaking past the guards to meet up with her.
:Inside the building by the tunnel, Ulfgar and Ethan split up: Ulfgar runs downstairs to brace the doors against the guards, with Shiolay and Elwood's aid, and Ethan goes up to the roof to check out the carnage below and get a decent line of fire. Ashra, on the other end of the roof, starts mindblasting the mooks trying to pound their way into the building.
:That's about when Ethan sees the flash of red from the roof across the street.
:Inside the other building, Claire is sneaking to the roof so she can find her own, unoccupied sniping points. Tobo and Andrey catch up with her, and the three check out the roof to see how crowded it is up there. They see four snipers firing at the other building, and -- wait, is that a red cape?
:Tyro Avampour walks up behind one of the snipers with two knives and a crazy grin and sneak attacks the shit out of him. Across the street, Ethan starts cackling gleefully. Yolanda looks out the window and revises her opinion of Gauve's release of Tyro. Claire, Andrey, and Tobo decide that they can probably handle three snipers, hope like hell that Tyro doesn't feel like tangling with anyone who knows he's there, and venture onto the roof.
:Back at the building the mooks are trying to break into, Ethan looks over the edge of the roof and fires a Negative Energy Ball straight down. This kills a good portion of the mooks out there and scares the others. Ulfgar, noting that the door that he is bracing is between himself and people who need killing outside, has a brilliant idea. He leaves Shiolay and Elwood to take care of the doors with Yolanda and runs up to the second floor. He goes to the broken window, drops a bomb out the window and jumps down to the remaining mooks, drawing the Shatterspike as he falls. He takes his falling damage like a man, looks around, and starts slicing.
:On the other roof, Claire and Tyro each sneak attack two more of the snipers, and Andrey and Tobo finish off the last one. Tyro and Claire glare at each other for a bit, then Tyro reluctantly admits that he's out of brilliant ideas for killing Grax other than shooting at him a lot. Claire, equally reluctantly, tells him that that's about the size of her plan, too. Tobo brightens, turns to Andrey, and asks her if she's still carrying those Dwarven stone tablets that they picked up in Stone Step. Andrey says that she is, and Tyro sulks over what could have been if the Toggenburg hadn't ballsed things up for him. Tobo says that he has a great idea, and at this point, Claire and Tyro are willing to try just about anything to get the job done.
:In the alleyway across the street, Gauve and Fab Dick are both clinging to consciousness by their fingernails. Ethan and Ashra tried to lend them some air support, but they've been distracted by the mooks breaking into the building. Gauve and Fab Dick agree that it's time for the two of them to GTFO and hope for the best. Fab Dick casts Invisibility and then Fly, and Gauve throws a grappling hook at the city wall and climbs for dear fucking life. Fab D hovers over the town and Gauve takes shelter on top of the wall. No one follows them, so the two of them nurse their wounds and watch the fireworks.
:Outside the neighboring building, Ulfgar realizes that he has company above and beyond his enemies. Rather, some of his fallen enemies have gotten back up and are starting to beat the crap out of their former comrades. Two stories above him, Ethan looks down at his new zombies, starts giggling, and announces to all and sundry that it works it WORKS oh my god it WORKS! It is probably for the best that only Ashra can hear him. Ulfgar carries on thrashing mooks like it's goin' out of style.
:Over on the other roof, Claire, Tobo, Andrey, and Tyro all gaze thoughtfully at the tablet of Meteor Swarm. Only Andrey and Tyro can read it, though Tobo has ways of translating it if need be. Tyro eventually says that he'll give it a try; he isn't a caster by any stretch of the imagination, but he gets a circumstance bonus for having long years of practice trying to hate Grax to death. Tyro hefts the tablet, goes over to the edge of the roof, and critically succeeds (with a little help) at casting the spell.
:The tablet shatters in Tyro's hands as fire rains down from the sky, incinerating Grax and taking down most of the surrounding guards. The shockwave staggers everyone, and when it passes, Graxboro is ablaze. Those few mooks who survived run for their fucking lives, and the members of the Circle of the True do the same in the other direction. Tyro inspects the wreckage of Graxboro with pride, then says he has to sit down for the next small eternity and falls over.
:Tobo casts Blink, followed by Expeditious Retreat, and hauls ass out of Graxboro. Claire follows, as does Andrey. Tyro wobbles to his feet and staggers after them. Across the street, Ashra and Ethan meet up with Shiolay, Yolanda, Elwood, and Ulfgar, and the six of them run back to the tunnel before they or it are discovered.
:The party meets up at Sluf's place, dirty, exhausted, and triumphant. Andrey doles out heals, Claire gets paid, Ulfgar and Yolanda high-five, and Ashra realizes that he's going to have to wait for someone to True Resurrect Grax before he can have a heart-to-heart with his sibling. Tyro and Ethan kind of stare at each other warily for about a minute before Ethan observes that Tyro looks like hell and is kind of a cool guy, so if you're going in the same general direction as we are, I guess we can keep you from falling in a ditch. Tyro tells him that the butterflies say it's okay to go along with the Toggenburg for a bit and falls over again. Elwood also says that he'd like to travel with the Toggenburg, since it seems like a party a minute wherever they go. Ethan and Yolanda decide to discuss it in the morning, and the party retreats well into the forest to make camp for the night.
:As they set up tents and break out the trail rations, it slowly dawns on everyone that they just aided in the assassination of the Supreme Dictator of Baldur. Truly, they are badasses, but life just got a lot more complicated for them. Oh, well, maybe no one will find out that they were there...
:(Notes: I thought that Ashra's guess of Grax coming in from the north was influenced by rumors of Grax last being seen in King's Reach, but I don't remember if that actually happened or if I am crazy. I kind of have this hazy memory of someone charming/bribing their way through the gates here, maybe Gauve, but nothing I could tangibly write about. Ulfgar, is the timing on your window breakout correct?)
=== Episode Two: Word Up. Let's Bounce. ===
:The next morning, the party settles down to have a Serious Talk. Ulfgar and Yolanda tell the others that assassinating Grax was cool and all, but they were already wanted in Baldur, so this is just going to make things worse. To that end, they're planning to take off and go into hiding for a while. Jaxil also wants to head north to the Ruins of Eldergrin. Claire is amused by the party and is going to follow them around whether they want her to or not. Elwood also plans to follow the party around whether they want him to or not. Tyro is still incredibly woozy and will walk in a direction if pushed, so the party kind of wants to keep him where they can see him.
:Farewells are made, camp is packed up, and the newly reorganized Toggenburg Corporation heads northwest towards Port Townsend. The party moves quickly, trying to get the hell out of Baldur before news of Grax's assassination gets out and complicates everything. If they wait too long, even the pirate-ruled Port Townsend might become dangerous territory. Well, more dangerous than normal. They retrace their steps from their journey to Graxboro, setting up a false camp every night. They make it most of the way back relatively un-hassled. However, things get interesting a day and change out from Port Townsend.
:Gauve is on watch yet again when a will-o'-wisp appears. Gauve facepalms and follows it, cursing his luck. It leads him in a few circles, though at least not through a bog this time, and eventually to a clearing ringed by trees. A dryad walks into the clearing and asks him why he brought back the thing she told him to take out of her forest. Gauve tells her that he's on his way out of the forest and had no way to go around it. He has no intention of letting it stay in her forest any longer than it has to. The dryad tells him that he doesn't have long to get it out of the forest before she gets angry, and sends him back with the will-o'-wisp.
:The next morning, Gauve tells everyone that they should probably start running, because if they don't, the trees might get annoyed. Some of the party members remember what happened the last few times the trees got mad at them, and after a quick round of storytime for the uninitiated, the party takes off running.
:It's a grueling pace for those with functioning cardiac systems. Tyro quickly splits off from the party and travels parallel to them, visible only as red flashes in the distance. The formation turns into a bizarre game of leapfrog, as several members of the party grow exhausted, slow to a walk, and then force themselves to keep running before they lose sight of the party. When Tobo tires, Gauve picks him up and keeps running.
:Eventually the end of the forest is in sight, just past a muddy stream with a few logs thrown across it as a bridge. Gauve and Tobo are the first ones out of the forest, Shiolay and Ethan not far behind them. Tyro bursts out of the forest about five hundred feet away and runs up alongside Gauve. Tobo spots a farmhouse about a quarter mile ahead. Hoping for food and shelter, Gauve beelines for it, the rest of the party trailing behind him.
:Tobo knocks on the door of the farmhouse, Gauve turns on the charm, and Tobo turns on the rockstar. The two of them manage to talk the owners of the farmhouse into letting them rest in the barn and even giving them some food. The rest of the party staggers to a halt nearby, declare the field good enough, and fall over. Shiolay asks Gauve what the hell that was about. Gauve tells him that he picked up a phylactery in the forest on their way to Graxboro on the order of a dryad, and when he brought it back into the forest on his way back to Port Townsend, she got irritated. He swears Shiolay to secrecy over his possession of the phylactery.
:The next morning, the party limps back into Port Townsend proper. The pink sails of the Jade Kraken II are a welcome sight, as is the pie that Sam Ash has baked for them. Sam shoos away all of the bitches he accumulated while the party was gone and tells them an important rumor: the Baldur government is trying very hard to cover up that Grax may be dead. The party decides to stock up for a long trip now and debate where they're going next once they are safely at sea.
:Claire asks Ethan if she can get a masterwork heavy repeating crossbow, which Ethan procures for her. Gauve outfits the ship and Ashra takes care of party supplies. Claire and Elwood choose bunks from below decks, and Gauve moves into the captain's cabin on the understanding that Ethan still gets to keep his things in there and to set up his drug lab whenever he feels like it. Tyro stumbles aboard the ship, glares at the center mast with abject loathing, and pointedly takes a bunk. Gauve secures Ulfgar's halfling speedboat, the rest of the party wraps up their last-minute shopping, the sails are un-pinked, Ashra runs up the neutral Port Brogan colors, and the party sails away.
:Once away, the party starts debating where to go next. Gauve wants to stop by Barrensburg, his home town. For one thing, they might be able to get a better boat there. Shiolay and Ashra want to head back to Malvont to see how things are going. Andrey points out that the party previously avoided Barrensburg because it was exuding inexplicable black smoke. Ethan asks again if the black smoke was supposed to be there. Gauve stares at them and finally asks if any of them have ever heard of coal. Ever. Ever. Because that is what Barrensburg does. That detail settled, the party is still reluctant to go to Barrensburg, and eventually decide on Malvont. Gauve sighs and says he'll take them there.
:The first night out, people eat a lot of pie, feel all the running they just did in muscles that they didn't know they had, and enjoy the nicest weather that the seas off of the Northern Continent will offer. Ethan sits down with the Libris Mortis, flips to the section on liches, and hopes like hell that the last lich they saw in Malvont isn't there any more. Ashra broods over what Grax's next move (upon being resurrected, which he will inevitably be) will be, and tries to out-think him before it can happen. Claire spends a lot of time getting to know the feel of her new crossbow and oh-so-accidentally pointing it in Tyro's direction a lot.
:Gauve soon decides that he wants to introduce his comrades to the sweet, sweet taste of piracy, especially since it might net him a better ship than the one that he has. They soon run across a transport ship by the name of the Brazen Bowl, which Gauve decides will be a good investment. He tells everyone to hang on, rams the other ship, and the fight begins. It doesn't take too long for the party to capture the ship, at which point Gauve demonstrates how a Dread Pirate does things: stand on the deck and gloat, tie up all survivors and send them off on their own lifeboat, and then pillage like crazy. Eventually Gauve decides to teach Shiolay, who had been one of the primary captains before Gauve joined the Toggenburg, the basics of sailing so that he can captain the Brazen Bowl without Gauve facepalming.
:Only a few days after they left Port Townsend, they sight land. Ethan, confused, takes a good look at exactly what land they're seeing. He goes quiet for a minute, then turns to Gauve and starts swearing like a sailor. Gauve looks incredibly smug as the rest of the party wanders over to see why the dead guy is cursing even more than usual, and at Gauve to boot. Ashra looks at the shore, looks at Gauve, looks at the shore again, and asks, "It's fucking Barrensburg, isn't it?"
:Gauve says that it is, and remember who's driving? Gauve is driving. The trip shouldn't take too long. They'll be in and out before anyone knows it, and they might even score a better ship out of the deal. Since there isn't much that they can do about it anyway, the party flings up their hands and gets ready to deal with Barrensburg, which is rumored to rival Port Townsend in the 'hive of scum and villainy' category.
:(My memory of this session has some gaping holes in it. A lot of gaping holes in it. It might even have been two sessions. Halp?)
=== Episode Three: The Barrensburg Incident ===
:In which Fab Dick and Claire go nine rounds, Poetry Brysis breaks onto the Jade Kraken II with her bodyguard to rescue Tyro, Fab Dick's life is saved by a two, and Claire decapitates Gauve after he sneaks up on her.
:Ethan, when informed of all of this, screams, "I can't leave you people alone for five fucking minutes!" and goes to drink heavily in a futile attempt to make the hurting stop.
:(Yeah, I wasn't there for this one. Someone, please, recount this tale in all of its facepalmy glory.)
=== Episode Four: We're on Two Boats And! They're Going Fast And! ===
:It's early afternoon on the Barrensburg docks. A cleric is gently telling a deathlock that one party member ran off into the sunset while bleeding to death, another is dead, and the third is responsible for both deaths, but hey, she was provoked. Oh, and Tyro's girlfriend kind of wrecked the ship a little. It's a good thing that this is Barrensburg; everyone else carefully avoids paying attention when the deathlock starts screaming invectives in languages that most sane people feel a little weird about hearing. Shiolay sighs, pats Ethan on the head, and wonders if Calm Emotions would be appropriate.
:The party collects Gauve's corpse and, as per his wishes, all head out to find a druid who will do reincarnation on the cheap. This takes them over the river and a ways into the official slums, leading the party to form up with the people who have the best spot checks on the outside. They can smell the druid camp before they reach it, and suddenly everyone but Ethan feels a little more mellow.
:After hastily shuffling Ashra to the back of the group, the party starts making inquiries about who does reincarnations for a reasonable price with a minimum of questions asked. They are eventually pointed in the direction of a certain tent, so Shiolay, Andrey, Tobo, Elwood, and Ethan go have a look. Claire and Ashra stay outside and try to look inconspicuous.
:A series of one person fetching another person fetching another person who is high as balls later, one of the more high-ranking druids greets them, asks if they'd like a hit, asks if they want drugs, and then realizes that maybe they brought a decapitated corpse with them for a reason. Ethan pays for the reincarnation out of Gauve's salary, again as per request, and the druid works his magic.
:A short, apparently human woman appears, but she looks a little odd. Her black hair is normal enough, but her eyes are red and of a shape that no one in the party has seen before. Gauve sits up, glares around for Claire, finds her missing, and starts stripping his former body of its clothes and loot. The rest of the party wonders if there is a tactful way to ask the druid if he fucked up the eyes, and then decide to let the matter lie when Gauve puts on his old pair of glasses. The party thanks the druid and make some loud, pointed small talk while Gauve stalks out of the tent in search of Claire.
:Ashra slinks away as Gauve rounds on Claire and demands an explanation for this bullshit. Claire explains that she has some serious issues with being grabbed from behind and the decapitation was not entirely deliberate. They stare at each other for a while longer, Claire sort of mumbles an apology, and Ashra hand-signs to the party that it's safe to come out now. Shiolay declines one last offer of really good weed, and the party heads back for the ship. Gauve makes a detour to get some new clothes that aren't soaked with blood. Ethan decides to get some Barrensburg colors while they're at it. Gauve tries to convince the party that they should trade up for a better ship and fails. Ashra and Claire buy some grain to supplement their cargo.
:Gauve says that now he'll take them to Malvont. The party yet again puts up Port Brogan colors, washes some of the bloodstains off of the deck, and help Gauve cast off. Once they're underway, Gauve retires to his cabin to ponder his new gender identity. During pondering, he realizes that all of his reputation as the Dread Pirate Gauve may have just been invalidated, and vows to get out there and start pirating in order to regain it. He eventually emerges, informs everyone that he's comfortable being addressed by female pronouns, and he's renaming himself the Dread Pirate Ming-ui. Also, we're stealing every ship we come across and announcing her name to the high heavens each time. Ethan makes her agree not to steal any Malvont ships unless they really have it coming. Ming-ui then takes over for Shiolay at the helm.
:About halfway to Malvont, they sail into a storm. Ashra, up in the crow's nest, tries to get a look at the storm as it comes in with his spyglass and takes some Explosive Runes to the face for his trouble. He tosses the ruined spyglass aside, the party learns a lot of Illithid curses, Claire agrees vehemently with Ashra's current opinion of Fab Dick, and Ashra resigns himself to only having a moderately obscene spot check. The storm is almost upon them, is moving quickly, and -- is that lightning?
:It is not Ashra's day. He takes a bolt of lightning to the face, being in one of the highest points on the ship. He informs the party that he'd really like to come down now, so someone else can take a turn scouting. Ming-ui yells up to him, "Don't worry, Ashra! Lightning never strikes the same place twice!" Almost as soon as she says that, Ashra soaks another bolt. Meanwhile, the rest of the party runs and flails while trying to bail out the ship with whatever water-containing objects are available.
:Ashra says that he's had it with the lightning and is going to come down now before it kills him. He starts to levitate, takes a third hit, and collapses unconscious in the crow's nest, twitching slightly. Ethan turns to Shiolay and asks him to go deliver some heals. Shiolay is understandably hesitant about scaling the center mast of a ship in the middle of a heaving storm to heal an aberration who is kind of a dick sometimes. Ethan tells him he'll spot him with a summon and just go, I'll convince you afterward that it was a good idea, I just -- fuck, just go. Shiolay sighs and starts climbing as a huge zombie materializes behind him. He makes it up to the crow's nest just in time to save Ashra's life, and the huge zombie returns the two to the ground. Ashra hides below decks and continues twitching spasmodically. Ethan, as promised, convinces Shiolay that it was a good idea and now Ethan owes him a favor.
:Ming-ui gets them through the rest of the storm mostly unscathed, Ashra keeps twitching, and Sam feeds him pie. Ethan goes into the captain's cabin, fiddles with his alchemist's kit for a while, swipes some of the grain from the cargo hold, and starts distilling the roughest and hardest alcohol imaginable. Some time later, the party is doing shots out of tiny beakers and Erlenmeyer flasks while Ethan switches over to synthesizing Wolves' Milk as a therapeutic activity. Ming-ui asks suspiciously how much Wolves' Milk there is in the whiskey. Ethan says there might be a trace amount and hey, does anyone want some while he's at it? The party refuses the offer of hard drugs and sticks to drinking.
:A much less eventful week later, Ashra spots another ship on the horizon. Ming-ui runs over, squints at it, tells everyone that it isn't flying Malvont colors, and they are so jacking that ship. Shiolay is initially hesitant, but once he realizes it's a Baldur ship, is totally down with capturing it. As the party draws up alongside the ship, Ethan puts his cloak hood up and retreats to the back of the group, wanting to avoid being recognized.
:Ming-ui hails the ship, shouts over that she's the Dread Pirate Ming-ui and she has come to have sex with their families take over their ship, so surrender if they want to live. The ship is mostly populated by orcs, but there are also a few bugbears, and they are Not Impressed with a handful of adventurers threatening to take them down. Grappling hooks are thrown, ranged weapons are loaded, and the fight is on.
: Shortly after the fight begins, Shiolay drops back and casts a summon spell. A Fiendish Ape appears on the deck and Ape Escapes on an orc's face with two claws and a bite attack. The entire party stops and stares in awe. Shiolay says that if they like it, he could summon another one. The answer is a resounding (AMERICA) FUCK YEAH.
:(I remember little of how this went down. I assume there were mindblasts, Celestial Bees, heavy repeating crossbows, Magic Missiles, Neg Balls, and stories about bard camp. They had an athatch in a cage that rose up through the decks. That was pretty pimp. Also, Ming-ui rammed their ship a few times. Please fill in the rest if you can.)
:Eventually all of the crew of the other ship have either surrendered or been killed. Ming-ui loads those who survived onto a skiff, makes damn sure that they know her name and her face, and sends them off with a smile. She then skips off to check out the loot on her new ship.
:The ship was a merchant vessel by the name of (Something or other.) The athatch had been part of its cargo, as were a bunch of large crates. The party divides the crates amongst themselves by each choosing a crate before checking what's inside. Three of the crates yield donkeys, a few more have weapons of decent quality in them, they get even more crates of grain, and Ethan ends up with the crate of porn. It is very distinctly from the Northern Continent, primarily featuring orcs and bugbears, with a few humans mixed in there. Shiolay also finds a holy symbol of the orc god Gruumsh One-Eye, and destroys it on principle. The party realizes that they intercepted a ship that was going to do business with the Baldur army in Malvont, but it's theirs, all theirs now. They do the dance of hooray-we-got-loots! and then set about figuring out how the hell they're going to sail two ships now, especially since they only have one trained captain.
:The party splits into a skeleton crew on each boat, as chosen by their captains: Ming-ui and her protégé Shiolay. The scene that ensues is very evocative of picking teams in elementary school for kickball. That settled, the party decides to keep flying the Baldur colors on the (merchant ship) and to sail the ships in as close a formation as they comfortably can. They want to look like a pair of merchants who are neutral towards each others' countries traveling together for safety.
:Commodore Ming-ui and Captain Shiolay both set their ships towards Malvont. As they sail into the sunset, Ming-ui can be heard humming this tune as she steers, whereas Tobo rocks this on Shiolay's ship. Claire, having appointed herself Ethan's accountant (sound familiar?), squees madly over how much the party's worth has skyrocketed now that they are the Toggenburg Fleet. Aww yeah.
=== Episode Five: In Which No One Is Who They Say They Are ===
:(The management recommends this as background music for this session.)
:The party is cruising along on their way in to Malvont. They're only a few days out, now, so they're starting to work on plans for when they reach the Baldur blockade. The general idea is that they'll pass themselves off as merchants with supplies for the Baldur army, and either bluff their way past or outright steal the ships they come across, depending on how many ships they encounter at once and/or how tough they are. Ethan, still very wary of being seen by anyone from Baldur, suggests that they would pass as Baldur-allied merchants much better if they had him as a prisoner rather than as a comrade. Ming-ui spends some quality time studying the ship's logs from the (merchant ship), working out the best way to pretend that they are who they say they are if needed and memorizing the captain's name. She then forges separate ship's logs for the Jade Kraken II and hides her own.
:Ethan contacts Vishnu by Speakstone, asking for the best way to get into Malvont from the sea. They'll handle getting to the island themselves, but they'll need a way past the Baldur forces in the streets. Vishnu tells them to head for the Lighthouse of Telamore; they should be able to get into the sewers that way, but there is a catch. Rumor has it that a blue dragon has taken up residence next to the Everburning Flame at the top. The Lighthouse itself is also kind of a whore to get through, but he's sure that if they can make it past the Baldur forces to the Lighthouse, they can make it through the Lighthouse proper.
:They make it into Malvont waters before seeing any Baldur forces that seem remotely interested in them. Eventually, Ashra spots a lone warship heading in their general direction. The party mobilizes. Ashra and Ming-ui rig up the Jade Kraken II to be towed along behind the (merchant ship). Shiolay hides all of his Malvont insigniae, the party tries not to look too heavily armed, Claire disguises herself into inconspicuousness, Andrey puts on her crossbow hand, and Ashra prestidigitates Ethan's hair black on request. Ming-ui puts Ethan in the convenient cage and fixes him up with some false knots, teaches him how to undo them, and runs back above decks. Ethan palms on his signet ring and calls up to her that he'll be there if things either go to hell or just get interesting, then tries not to think too hard about how he now looks like the living Ethan of Malvont.
:Shiolay sends a very excited Tobo below decks to keep Ethan company while Ashra prestidigitates a new name for the Jade Kraken II and adds a few subtle changes to the way that the ship looks. Ming-ui rehearses her story of finding an abandoned merchant vessel with goods on it that they commandeered for the greater glory of Baldur and the greater profit for themselves. If things go crazy and they find Ethan, she'll admit to finding one really bitchy prisoner as well who apparently would fetch a decent price.
:The warship draws up alongside them and hails them. Ming-ui returns the salute and heads over to chat with the other ship's captain. She's startled to realize that the other captain is a mindflayer with a really bitchin' hat. He introduces himself as Xoth and asks what her purpose is here. Ming-ui explains how she came across this other ship from Port Brogan or something, and figured it and its goods could be useful for the Baldur forces. She and her crew have come with weapons, grain, and a little morale boost for the army, if you see what I mean.
:(I actually kind of forget what the turning point was between 'negotiations' and 'let's try to steal a battle cruiser', but there was one. It may have been mind-reading, or just the crew realizing that the other ship was kind of lacking in orc and bugbear occupants.) Ready, battle, go!
:Tobo bursts out from below decks with a story about bard camp. Ming-ui comes in to ram the warship and then draw up beside it, at which point grappling hooks and planks start flying between all three ships. Ethan waits, just in case they are instantly fucked and need a reason to be fighting -- namely, they want to keep their bounty for themselves. The rate at which the party starts taking down orcs and bugbears reveals that they are not instantly fucked, so he throws off the ropes and runs above decks to join the fun.
:Ming-ui, Shiolay, and Elwood rush out to meet the Baldur soldiers as they swing onto the ship. From afar, Claire shoots hell out of the orcs with her heavy repeating crossbow, Ashra throws down the Burning Hands and mindblasts, and Ethan hits things in the face with negative energy. Andrey hangs back to act as a healer. After a few orcs go down, Shiolay drops back from the fighting and starts summoning.
:Tobo, meanwhile, sought shelter in the halfling skiff. A two is rolled somewhere, and the skiff gains the power of flight. Tobo rockets off into the sky, with absolutely no idea how to control the damn thing but having the time of his life anyway.
:The mindflayer captain takes a canister off of his belt and throws it at the (merchant ship). It explodes and releases a cloud of Toxic Wasteland (also known as Diet Cloudkill). Several members of the party scramble out of the way, a few hapless Baldur soldiers wonder why their captain hates them, and Ethan mocks them all for having functioning lungs.
:Elwood, low on places to stand, makes a daring leap between ships, lands square in front of the mindflayer captain, and tries desperately to free himself as the mindflayer begins attaching tentacles and orcs pulverize his ribs. Ashra levitates over to the ship, hovers above the captain, and disengages levitation with tentacles at the ready. Elwood wrestles himself free and slinks back to the (merchant ship) as Ashra and the captain have a mindflayer fight. The captain eventually levitates away, only to be shot at by Claire. She clips his hat, knocking it down to the deck with a crossbow bolt in it, and pumps a few more bolts into him. The captain disengages levitation and dives into the ocean. When the party looks over the railings to see what the hell that was about, they just see the mindflayer's robes and equipment float to the surface, left behind after the mindflayer planeshifted. Ming-ui fishes it out of the water and adds it to their loot to be divided up later.
:The party cleans up the remaining Baldur soldiers, tosses them overboard, and realizes that they now have three ships. Their newest ship is the BRS Tyrant, and it had been captained by a mindflayer. The party looks at their own mindflayer, realize that no one can tell mindflayers apart, and realize they might have an even easier time getting to the Lighthouse than they previously thought. Claire claims dibs on the three-cornered hat (with a crossbow bolt hole in it) but says that Ashra can borrow it while he pretends to be the other mindflayer.
:Ming-ui, Ethan, Claire, and Ashra go through their new ship's logs. Ashra and Ming-ui concoct a backstory for why they're towing two merchant ships. Ethan suggests that if they're going to do this crazy thing, they might as well get the Baldur army to give them some healing items or otherwise steal them, since those are what Malvont most desperately needs right now. Ming-ui is down with that, as are Ashra and Shiolay. Andrey wonders where the hell Tobo went; last anyone saw him, he was crashing the skiff into the ocean, skipping it like a rock, and soaring off into the sky once more. Claire decodes an entry from the ship's logs and tells Ming-ui that Baldur is planning to end the Malvont invasion soon, so their forces should be weaker than ever.
:Ming-ui names Ashra the captain of the Tyrant, glees a bit over how rapidly her fleet is growing (even if they're going to have to abandon all three ships in short order), and the party prepares to sail into port. Ethan hides again while various members of the party double-check that any Malvont or Goneril insigniae are completely hidden, as are all of the true captains' logs.
:Ashra and Shiolay hail the dockmaster, are told where to report to, and negotiate steering their rather unwieldy procession into port. Once there, they leave the ship in care of Ming-ui and go to report in. The man who takes their report accepts it and offers his condolences on their rough trip into port, what with that storm that banged up your crew and all. When they ask for some healing supplies, he tells them to report to Lord Pyotar Umarov, the head cleric of the Baldur navy, up at the north docks. This is a little more high-profile than they had hoped for, so they smile, nod, note down to dock at the southeast port, and head back to the ship.
:They explain that the Baldur navy bought it, but as soon as they go past where they're meant to be, it's going to get dicey. Also, no heals, because going to the head cleric of the Baldur navy sounds like a bad idea if they want to stay low-profile and not have to tell too many flagrant lies. Also, it's Pyotar Umarov, and he's kind of scary and we're pretty sure he was a lich at one point. Ethan all but hides under one of the bunks at hearing that Pyotar is in town and says that whatever the party does, do not let Pyotar know that he's here.
:The party decides to head around to where they should be docking, sailing each boat individually, and start shedding boats as they go. They shuffle all of their cargo to the Jade Kraken II while Ming-ui writes up last entries in each captain's log detailing crazy occurrences leading to the abandonment of each ship. They dock the Tyrant in its intended place, then continue around the island on the (merchant ship) and the Jade Kraken II. They ditch the (merchant ship) by the Pelor district, and then dock the Jade Kraken II by the Lighthouse. They unload all of their cargo, load up the donkeys and party members (save for Elwood, who runs away like a little girl), and start looking for a way into the Lighthouse before anyone figures out where they went.
=== Episode Six: Dick Move, Dude. Dick Move. ===
:As the party starts looking for doors, an androgynous person runs up to them, explains that she's running from the Baldur gladiatorial pits, and are they going in a direction that is away from here? The party says that they're trying to get into the Lighthouse of Telamore, and that there are potentially dangerous traps and a dragon ahead. She's down with that, and introduces herself as Queenie.
:New party member adopted, they turn to trying to figure out how to get into the Lighthouse itself. Ming-ui finds two entrances. One is perfectly circular and smooth, and seems to have no barriers in it. The other is blocked by stone doors. Ming-ui and Claire check both for traps, find that the circular, smooth entryway probably leads to certain, fiery death, and go back to the stone doors.
:There are three buttons outside the entryway to the stone doors. Ming-ui and Claire walk up to the door, note another set of buttons, and checks for traps as they go. Despite their caution, they inadvertently depress a very well-hidden floor panel.
:A deafeningly loud note sounds, dealing Ming-ui and Claire some serious subdual damage, and a set of doors close at the very entrance behind Claire and Ming-ui. They're trapped between two airtight slabs of rock, they realize, and they're not going to have air for long. When the party outside, baffled, starts pushing buttons, they realize that they also might not have consciousness for long, at the rate that they're taking subdual damage. They are also both thoroughly deafened. The doors in the middle do open up at one point, and they stagger into the last area, collapse on the ground, and try not to breathe too deeply.
:Once the party outside realizes what has happened, they stop pushing buttons at random and start thinking. Inside the door puzzle, Claire and Ming-ui both start feeling a little lightheaded. Claire starts to wonder if Ming-ui is going to kill her for more oxygen, looks over, and sees that Ming-ui has turned into a fox. Oh, what the hell?
:Outside, Ethan thinks he has the solution. If he's right, it requires letting yourself be trapped between doors for part of it. If anyone deliberately gets trapped inside the door puzzle, it should be him; he's very hard to deafen, he doesn't take subdual damage, and he doesn't need to breathe. Some button-pushing later, the hallway is clear from entrance to the next room. The party runs in, picking their way between trap panels as they go, scoop up both fox and assassin, and take a breather in the next room. When the party asks Claire where Ming-ui went, Claire points at the fox, shrugs, and falls over.
:They are now in a circular room with a statue of Captain Elrand Telamore at the center. The party has barely gotten around to checking the status of their wounds when the statue takes a swing at the nearest person. Jesus Christ, it's a gargoyle, get in the car!
:The party discovers that there are some serious issues with fighting a gargoyle. First, overcoming its damage reduction (aww yeah) is a challenge and a half. Second, not only can it fly around in a weird Superman-style fashion, but it has a tendency to perch on the walls well above where any of them can reach and regenerate what little health it has lost. Eventually, after it divebombs Andrey, it swoops into the entrance passageway. Ethan and Andrey both stare at it for a second. Ethan says to depress the panel and set the trap off again. Andrey is way ahead of him, and has already grabbed a crappy mace out of the party stash. As the gargoyle lands and turns back towards them, Andrey throws the mace at the pressure plate.
:A horrifyingly loud note sounds and the stone doors slam shut, trapping the gargoyle on the other side. Ethan notes that at least if the Baldur forces figure out where they went and try to come in after them, they'll run smack into a gargoyle. Those of the party who are still conscious kind of giggle hysterically at how strange a solution that was for a minute, and then decide to rest in this room before heading further into the Lighthouse.
:The next morning, Ming-ui is still a fox, but Claire feels a lot better. They continue further into the Lighthouse, Claire checking for traps ahead of them. The next room they find is large, and has eight stone statues on pedestals in it. At the far end of the room, there is a more ornate pedestal. Each statue is small enough to be lifted. The pedestals all have inscriptions, and the statues depict various types of people. There are doors set in between all of the pedestals.
:The statue at the lower far left is of an angry humanoid with a double-headed axe, with the inscription "Barbarian". The upper far left is a humanoid with a cloak and a stick sprouting vegetation, with the inscription "Druid". The lower middle left is of a human male with a three-cornered hat and chainmail, with the inscription "Captain". The upper middle left is of a running humanoid wearing a cloak and carrying a sack, with the inscription "Thief". The lower middle right is of a slender humanoid in travelers' clothing with one hand extended and holding a book, with the inscription "Wizard". The upper middle right is of a slender humanoid with both hands cupped around a ball of energy, with the inscription "Sorcerer". The lower far right is a mindflayer in long robes, with the inscription "Tax Collector". The upper far right is a heavily armored person holding out a hammer, with the inscription "Cleric".
:Those who are familiar with Malvont history try to remember more about Captain Elrand Telamore himself. Eventually, Shiolay, Ashra, and Ethan work out that he was a famous sea captain and adventurer who settled with his immense riches in Malvont about a thousand years ago. Also, he built a lighthouse, and was by some reports an arrogant dick.
:The party looks at the Captain statue thoughtfully. Claire then picks up the Thief statue, hauls it over to the ornate pedestal, and puts it there. As soon as she does, one of the doors slides open, revealing a small key and a room. Claire goes over to it, checks it for traps, picks up the key, ninjas her way past the traps, and drops down to find herself in a room full of locks. Some are ornate, some are simple, and she is in rogue heaven. She starts trying the key in various locks, making reflex saves every time doing so trips crossbow bolts firing or other associated traps, and eventually reveals another door. She wants to go further, but Ethan calls her back until they can check out some of the other rooms. While Claire can easily go through the Thief door, the rest of the party would find it a lot harder. Claire reluctantly agrees, and returns. She leaves the key in the room, because that is the honorable thing to do among thieves.
:Next, Ashra tries the Tax Collector room. A door at the far end of the room opens, and Ashra proceeds in. He finds himself in a room made of smooth stone that extends well over 200 feet above him. He can see a door at about 200 feet up. Ashra shrugs and starts levitating.
:At about 195 feet up, Ashra runs into an antimagic field, and his levitation is dispelled.
:Some panicked swearing later, Ashra catches himself, realizes that Telamore probably wasn't all that fond of tax collectors, and asks for some rope. Andrey fetches some from the ever-present donkeys. Ashra makes a crude lasso and begins levitating again, much more slowly this time. He stops just below the anti-magic field, throws the lasso up to the doorknob, and pulls. The doorknob falls out of the door, leaving Ashra with a rope tied to a doorknob. Ashra descends, informs the party that Telamore hates tax collectors, and leaves the room.
:The party decides that they are simply not equipped to deal with either the Barbarian or Druid rooms, and instead turns to look at the cleric statue. They do, after all, have two clerics. Shiolay carts the Cleric statue over to the pedestal, and one of the doors slides open. Queenie, curious, looks into the room and sees no floor, but there is a ladder leading down. She starts climbing down the ladder for a better look around. Meanwhile, a bored Claire grabs the Thief statue and swaps it in for the Cleric statue. Claire skips back to rogue paradise (Not only has the key changed, but the lock that the previous key opened is not the lock that this new key opens!) while Queenie looks up, realizes that the door has shut on her, and...oh snap, she's surrounded by zombies. She scrambles back up the ladder and starts pounding on the closed door. Ethan retrieves Claire from the Thief room and Ashra swaps the statues back, freeing Queenie. Shiolay and Andrey feel like they could handle some zombies if they had to, and Queenie figures that zombies can be beaten down like anything else. Claire, meanwhile, trades out the Cleric statue for the Sorcerer statue.
:The rest of the party crowds around to watch as she steps through the new door and promptly falls down a chute. She lands in a room full of targets, looks around, and sees that an hourglass has just flipped over. She breaks out her heavy repeating crossbow, loads, and shoots every target before the timer can run out. A door slides open at the far side of the room. She runs in, discovers a treasure room that includes a pile of gold big enough to swim in, and jumps into the gold. She then spends the next three hours loading up her pockets and rolling around in glee. (At this point, Karijou picked up Ashra from Ashra 1.0 for the remainder of the session.)
:Back in the main room, the party decides that the delighted cackling probably means that Claire is fine and goes back to the Cleric statue. They open the Cleric door again, and Shiolay, Andrey, and Queenie head on through, leading the donkeys with them. There are, in fact, all the zombies in the world. They take care of a few in the traditional style of hack-and-slash. Once they're about halfway through and are starting to meet up with the heavy-duty undead, Andrey attaches her shield hand and shield bashes her way through the zombies. Queenie and Shiolay run after her, smacking down everything that moves that isn't a party member. Right before the end, a truly massive zombie appears, and Andrey calls down the sunlight. Shiolay and Queenie dodge undead shrapnel, and the three move on and find a treasure room! With a very, very happy assassin!
:Jump back to the main room again. Ashra and Ethan eventually decide to give the Wizard room a try, since one of them wants to be a wizard and the other one theoretically is. The door slides open, revealing a stone ramp leading down. Inside the next room, they find a strange kind of fountain with three stone tiers. There is a stone basin outside of the fountain as well, with a hole to drain into it set about halfway down it. There are also three differently colored levers on the wall. One is red, one is green (or black?), and one is blue. (I think.) Ethan stares at the fountain, says that there's magic in it, but since the fountain is taller than he is and he doesn't feel like climbing into it, he can't tell what's going on. Ashra levitates up, looks down at the fountain from above, and sees a layer of silver liquid, a core of bright red liquid, and a layer of water. He describes this to Ethan, who recognizes mercury and Alchemist's Fire. They both look at the levers, at each other, at the levers, and then Ethan starts swearing. He tells Ashra that they're going to need to drain the Alchemist's Fire out of the way without ever exposing it to air. Ideally, that will reveal a door for them to go through, though Ethan hasn't the faintest as to how he's supposed to get to said door without climbing through Alchemist's Fire, or even have been able to see how the puzzle worked. Ashra reminds him that most wizards can cast Fly.
:Ethan decides to deal with his inferiority complex later, and the two of them start working on the puzzle. Ethan, having been an alchemist in a previous life, tells Ashra that the densest of the three liquids is Alchemist's Fire (I think), and the least dense is water. At a guess, the red lever drains the Alchemist's Fire, the blue lever drains the water, and the green lever drains the mercury. Ashra surveys the layout of the fountain and puts his space brain to work at discerning which layer to drain first. Meanwhile, Ethan goes over to the levers and finds a few scraps of paper that, when read with Read Magic, give hints as to which lever drains what layer. He sits down with these and his knowledge of alchemical color-coding and symbols to work out how not to get blown up once Ashra knows which layer to drain first. Once he's sure enough about the levers to risk letting Ashra pull them, he goes back over to the fountain, and the two bounce ideas off of each other for the next hour.
:Eventually, Ashra thinks that he's got it. He explains, Ethan agrees, and they decide to risk blowing up the Lighthouse for the greater good. Ethan retreats to the ramp in a futile attempt to make himself feel better about possibly setting off enough Alchemist's Fire to make the Battle of Malvont look like a picnic, Ashra reminds himself that he cannot possibly be wrong, and starts pulling levers.
:All proceeds exactly as planned, all three liquids drain out, and a door is revealed in the center of the fountain. Ethan and Ashra high-five, Ashra levitates over to the door, opens it, and finds a ladder leaning down. Ethan can't follow him through the fountain, since he can't fly or levitate, so he waits in the wizard room while Ashra checks out what's below. Why, it's a room full of treasure! With a very, very happy assassin! And two pleased clerics and a fighter! Oh, and donkeys. Ashra tells Ethan that it looks like all of the paths lead to the same place. Ethan tells him that he'll go take a walk through the area that is only dangerous if you are detectable by life-sense and meet up with them in a bit. The party stocks up on treasure, Claire is a little less than truthful about how many diamonds the party really has, and they realize that once they sell off all of their cargo, they are going to be pretty damn wealthy.
:However, while treasure is awesome, treasure is not the way out. Once Ethan arrives and grabs some loot for himself, the party tries to figure out how they're going to get back into the main room. They decide that a good old-fashioned zombie beatdown is the way to go, Shiolay absently hands the donkeys' reins to Ethan and then remembers that animals are terrified of the undead, Andrey patches up any wounds that the party has taken, and they head out.
:As Ethan reset the trap but went through it without dealing with any of the occupants, they find a massive zombie right on the other side of the door. The party starts debating how best to take that down now that Andrey's holy nuke is out of the question, and then Ethan takes control of it and turns it against its brethren, laughing about as gleefully as Claire was in the treasure room. The party presses onward with their new assistant, shoving their way past the hordes of undead mostly by brute force. About halfway through, Shiolay summons another Fiendish Ape. It ape escapes on a bunch of zombies, but one of the zombies' bite attacks turns it undead itself. It promptly turns on Shiolay, savaging him and also infecting him with the T-virus. Shiolay put some damage on his Fiendish Ape, but the poison is weakening him. Ethan walks over to the Fiendish Ape, as it won't attack him, and tears out its throat with his teeth. You know, while we're all putting bite attacks in your bite attack so you can bite attack while you bite attack. Andrey heals Shiolay, Queenie calms the donkeys, and the party beats their way back to the center room. Some creative pulley-work later, the party plus three donkeys are all looking thoughtfully at the Captain statue. Again.
:Telamore was an arrogant dick, and every other room has led to the same place. It's a rewarding place, but they're all the same place. There has to be a way out, and odds are that the way out is the way of Telamore: sea captain, adventurer, and all-around lovable asshole. Oh, this is going to be fun.
=== Episode Seven: Oh, I'm Sure We Can Negotiate with the Dragon ===
:While the party gazes at the Captain statue with varying degrees of interest, the fox changes back into a hot (AAAAAAsian) sailor girl behind them. Ming-ui stretches, checks that all of her gear is still there, and asks what's so interesting. Some shock and explanations later, Ming-ui has joined the party in staring at the Captain statue. Eventually, she observes that no one in the party has spontaneously developed telekinetic powers, and puts the Captain statue on the special pedestal.
:A door slides open in the wall, revealing a set of stairs leading up. This seems promising, since all of the other rooms save for the Tax Collector have led down. These stairs might even lead all the way up to the massive Everburning Flame atop the Lighthouse. Ming-ui then reminds the party that there might be a blue dragon at the top of these stairs, if that is in fact where they lead. Ethan wants to kill it, because deathlocks are nothing if not predictable, but Ming-ui has another idea. While she is seriously tempted by the idea of a blue dragon's hoard, she also wants to get to her destination intact, and dragons are sentient. Therefore, she proposes the idea of negotiating with the dragon.
:Ashra drags Ethan to the far side of the room, orders him to stay, and grabs the rest of the party for a quiet discussion. Shiolay, Ashra, and Ming-ui all agree that negotiating with the dragon for passage through the room would be easier on the party and would leave some defenses intact in the Lighthouse in case they're being followed. Queenie, Claire, and Andrey can see the logic in that, although Claire also has a deep interest in the dragon's hoard. However, before they try this, they'll need to resolve a few problems. First, the party may not have enough that would be of interest to a blue dragon to successfully bargain for passage. Second, the dragon might just be hostile up front, and walking in and trying to negotiate might equal walking straight into a breath weapon. Third, if they do negotiate with the dragon, they have to figure out how to deal with Ethan.
:As the party starts checking through their communal stash to see if they have any tempting items, Claire steals away across the room with a distraction for Ethan, who is seething in a corner. She whispers to him that she lied to Ming-ui about the decoded entry in the captain's log of the BRS Tyrant, and gives him the true message: Earlier this month High Chancellor Grax was assassinated by a daring crew of outlaws. One of the assassins has been identified as the Dread Pirate Gauve. Grax is recovering in a top secret castle fortress. Leadership has plans to end Malvont campaign. Please dispatch supermarine to find Dread Pirate Gauve and crew. While Ethan thinks this over, Claire returns to the dragon discussion and pretends to have been paying attention all along.
:The party eventually decides that they have enough treasure to at least open negotiations with the dragon, so if they can keep Ethan away from the dragon, they might stand a chance of resolving this peacefully. Besides, they can always go back for more gold. Ming-ui and Claire both agree that if the dragon shows any hostility, it's fair game for the killing and then the corpse-looting. The delicious, delicious corpse-looting. They decide to deal with the Ethan issue only if the matter arises, then close up the Captain door to get some rest for the night.
:The next morning, Claire rearranges the loot so that the potential dragon tribute is easily accessible, Ashra checks his wand collection and supplements it with the canisters from the mindflayer captain's things, Shiolay prepares a lot of Calm Emotions, and Ethan informs everyone that the dragon will totally be hostile, because that is what dragons do. Andrey loads up the donkeys, the party forms up, and they head up the stairs with donkeys in tow. They leave Ethan halfway up the stairs, and Ming-ui and Claire sneak up to check out whether or not there is a dragon there at all.
:The stairs lead up to a flat platform high above the ground without any walls. A great Everburning Flame is in a brazier at the center of a platform, a glittering hoard is off in a corner, and a blue dragon is curled around the brazier. When they listen closely, they can hear a very familiar voice: "So this one time, at bard camp..."
:Claire motions for Andrey to send the donkeys back down to the ground floor for the moment as Ming-ui tries to spot Tobo. She has no idea how he would have gotten there, but he was last seen sailing away on a flying ship, after all. If he's already negotiating, she wants to get in on that, but something seems off about the situation. Namely, he doesn't seem to be telling any stories. He's just repeating the lead-in. Also, she can't find Tobo anywhere on the platform.
:The dragon moves, and Ming-ui and Claire can both see that it is talking to itself in Tobo's voice, apparently trying to recall a story that it once heard. They sneak back down to the bulk of the party, inform them that the hoard is far too good to pass up and also the dragon probably ate Tobo, so now what? Ming-ui then spots the canisters that were recently added to Ashra's bandolier, and gets an idea. She proposes that someone with a good throwing arm tosses one of the canisters at the dragon to weaken it and give them a surprise round, at which point they can rush the dragon and also tell Ethan to stop sulking because it's party time.
:A quick poll of those assembled reveals that Ashra is probably the best suited for throwing canisters at dragons. The party huddles around the entrance as Ashra takes out a canister, lines up his shot, and throws. It bounces off of the dragon's hide and does not break, though it startles the dragon out of its unsettling litany in Tobo's voice. As it looks around, most of the party pours out of the staircase and attacks. Ashra shouts down to Ethan that it's showtime, and Shiolay drops to the back of the group and starts buffing.
:Ming-ui beelines for the dragon's hoard to see if there's anything useful to her there. She quickly spots a single-shot ballista that was broken off of a boat at some point. She climbs onto the hoard and starts dragging it away for her own use.
:Queenie and Claire cope with wing attacks, bite attacks, breath attacks, and the occasional tail sweep. Ethan stays at the top of the stairs and has issues rolling higher than a five on breaking its spell resistance. Ashra levies mindblasts at the dragon (hey, it can always roll a two) and starts firing at it with his wands. Andrey heals Queenie and Claire as they tag out for each other. Meanwhile, Shiolay finishes crafting himself into a glowing golden god, strides forward, and starts ripping into the dragon. It really doesn't like that, and starts targeting him specifically on its flyby attacks. During one such attack, Ming-ui finally gets the ballista into position and fires.
:The recoil knocks her on her ass, but the shot lands solidly. She heaves the now thoroughly broken ballista aside, reminds herself that looting comes after killing, and joins Queenie, Shiolay, and Claire in beating the crap out of it. Ashra looks at the dragon thoughtfully, looks at his wand collection, and thinks up a cunning plan. If he hands his wand of Tiny Fireballs to some summon such as a zombie and then Ethan sends the zombie in front of the dragon to be a distracting target for a bite attack, they might be able to replicate their previous takedown of a black dragon. Ethan agrees, and a hapless zombie is summoned and armed with the wand. Ethan pats it on the head, wishes Mr. Snugglesworth luck, and sends it off. Fortunately, people are too preoccupied with the dragon to do more than stare at him incredulously.
:All does not work as hoped. While the dragon is distracted by the zombie, it soon kills it without consuming the wand. Ashra snatches the wand back and considers staging a repeat of that when everything goes to hell.
:Shiolay has been fucking up the dragon something fierce. The dragon, thoroughly pissed, finally nails Shiolay with a tail sweep that knocks him all but unconscious and throws him backwards, with no way to save himself from falling off of the platform. Ethan darts out of the stairs, soaks a wing attack, and casts Featherfall just before Shiolay drops out of range. As Shiolay begins to pass out, he prays to St. Cuthbert. St. Cuthbert acknowledges his prayer, extends Featherfall so that it will definitely last until Shiolay reaches the ground, and brings Shiolay up to stable at 0 HP.
:As most of the rest of the party starts beating down the dragon in revenge, Ashra remembers a very strange item in his inventory. He reaches into his pack, pulls out a rope with a doorknob on the end, and starts lowering it to Shiolay. Ethan realizes that Shiolay and Ashra are of about equivalent size, so pulling Shiolay up is going to be incredibly hard without the rest of the party to assist Ashra. As Ashra continues feeding the rope down, Ethan goes for the Wolves' Milk. He offers Ashra two vials and recites the six-second version of his drug pusher spiel. By that time, Shiolay has grabbed the other end of the rope, and it's all that Ashra can do to hang on. He accepts, lets Ethan dose him with two vials, and suddenly feels great. Ethan lends some assistance, as does Claire once she makes it over there, but Ashra now feels strong enough and dexterous enough to sling around a two hundred-and-armor pound cleric on the end of a rope. Ethan and Claire help Shiolay climb the last foot up onto the top of the platform, and stand guard over him with their ranged weapons. Ashra packs up the rope on a doorknob and reminds himself that Ethan didn't feed him enough Wolves' Milk to make jumping onto the dragon's head and extracting its brain a good idea. Even though it worked once before really well.
:Meanwhile, in the Goldschlager melee corner, Queenie, Ming-ui, and Andrey are taking advantage of the dragon now being seriously weakened. The three of them flank it, and convince Claire and Ethan to come close enough that the party effectively surrounds it. The dragon fells Queenie, but Ming-ui soon delivers the final blow.
:Once the dragon collapses and dies, Ming-ui runs over to the hoard to start sorting it. Andrey raises Queenie and heals Shiolay, Ethan hugs everyone, at least two people wonder if they can salvage some of the dragon's teeth, scales, and eyes, and Ashra turns to Ethan and asks if he can have some more Wolves' Milk.
:Everyone stares at Ethan, who finally admits that he might have gotten the mindflayer hooked on coke. Maybe. It was in a good cause. Look, it's my job, okay? Well, it was my job about a year ago...I'll just stop talking now.
=== Episode Eight: And In Conclusion, Donkeys ===
:It's a warm night on the Malvont seas, so the party figures that an open-air platform with an Everburning Flame and a dead dragon is a good place as any to rest for the moment. Ming-ui and Claire divide up and inventory the dragon's hoard, which is subsequently distributed among the party members. Among the hoard is a magical scroll case with a piece of paper inside. When unrolled, it chirps, "Hi! I'm The Map!" Despite this, it has no idea what it actually is. It does know that someone tried to set it on fire once, but it has no idea what that was about. Most of the party expresses disbelief that something could not know what it is. Ethan defends The Map, telling it that he didn't know what he was for five years and that it is totally valid. By the way, you're a map. The Map decides that it likes Ethan best, though Claire soon wins its favor as well.
:Ming-ui then cuts several swaths of dragon hide while Claire manages to successfully extract one of the dragon's eyes and some other organs as delicacies. Ming-ui also pulls out some of the dragon's teeth and cuts some steaks of dragon meat. She and Ethan rig up a system wherein they preserve the perishable bits of dragon with liberal application of Chill of the Grave. The dragon's stomach is bereft of chatty halflings and their banjos, which is a relief. They scavenge some weapons and armor from the dragon's stomach, add them to the party's collection, and head back down to the main room to get some serious sleep before they deal with the rest of the Lighthouse. After all, this was only the first room on the Captain's true path.
:Late the next morning, the party feeds the donkeys, have breakfast, and discuss their next move. Vishnu didn't have any more information about what came after the dragon in the Lighthouse other than some entrance to the Malvont sewers, and it would be really good to be able to close up the Captain door after them. However, even with clever use of summons, Shiolay and Ethan think the room is probably too big for them to manage that. (Or did we?) To the party's mild confusion, Queenie wakes up, flails out of her armor, ransacks her pack for a spell component pouch, and puts on some robes. She looks around, realizes that she's somewhere she's never been before and with a whole group of heavily armed and unfamiliar people, and says, "Not again."
:Once the party assures her that she's traveling with them as a companion rather than a prisoner, she explains: she apparently has these weird fits or is otherwise followed around by total assholes who like to dress her in armor while she's blacked out. Ming-ui almost sends her into a flailing panic by explaining that she clearly has two separate personalities. Ethan convinces her not to do that because in addition to having multiple personalities, it's also apparent to him that she's also kind of psychotic and she's probably only one bad shock away from eating their livers with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Ming-ui capitulates, and the party very carefully figures out that this version of Queenie has no name but will answer to Queenie, that she considers herself female, and is a sorcerer.
:As they pack up and get ready to go, Ashra asks Ethan for more Wolves' Milk, since he needs his fix and can't roll above a three on his saves to break the addiction. Ethan tells him he's going to be charging on an increasing scale because he has so few opportunities to make more. Ashra, miserable from cravings and stat damage, could not care less. Ethan shrugs and starts with a charge of 5 GP.
:The party shepherds the donkeys back up to the platform and group around the other door down from the platform. Ming-ui and Claire check for traps and locks, find none, but can't seem to get the door open. A little experimentation with Detect Thoughts later, Ashra finds himself telepathically talking to the door. The door talks back. It will only open for the right person under the right circumstances, and Ashra can't convince it that he's the right person and the circumstances are right now. Eventually Ashra mindblasts it. The door swings open and the party races through. Once it recovers, it telepathically sulks in Ashra's general direction. The party lets it be and instead continue down the spiral staircase that they have found.
:They eventually find a fork in the path. One way leads down to the treasure room. As Ashra explores this path, he sees a door set high in the wall that is missing a doorknob. He shakes his fist at it and reports back. Ming-ui runs down to the treasure room, fills her pockets, and runs back up. The party continues on in the other direction.
:They eventually find themselves on a ledge in an open cavern, high above where it looks like they'll need to be. They don't have nearly enough rope to climb down, and even if they did, they have nowhere to secure it. They can go sort of stepwise from the top ledge to one a bit under it, but even so, there will be long drops involved. Also, donkeys. At their disposal, they have Ashra's levitation, Queenie's ability to cast Fly, several casts of Featherfall from Ethan, and a lot of rope from the rest of the party.
:First, Ashra levitates back and forth, taking all of the party's collective loot and bringing it down to the cavern floor. He also ferries down some of the party's personal loot. Next, they decide that the three donkeys will each be Featherfall'd, as will Ethan. This leaves only Shiolay, Andrey, Claire, and Ming-ui in need of some method of descent. Ming-ui turns into a fox and lets Ashra carry her down. There, she and Ashra rig up a rope harness that Queenie and Ashra can use to carry people down to the ground.
:The donkeys will be a bit trickier. Casting Featherfall will be easy enough, but getting the donkeys to willingly run off a ledge is not. Ashra ponders this, remembers that animals are terrified of the undead, and says he can Suggest that the donkeys run away from the oh so scary dead guy wandering around at the top of the ledge. This settled, Ashra and Queenie bring Claire, Andrey, and Shiolay down. Queenie lands, and Ashra heads back up while Ethan starts spamming Featherfall. Once at the top, Ashra scares all of the donkeys into running off of the edge, whereupon they slowly drift down to the ground, braying plaintively. Once Ethan stops laughing enough to walk in a straight line, he follows. Once Ashra reaches the ground as well, the party is reunited! Yay.
:The party breaks here for a meal and to explore the cavern. Ming-ui turns back into a woman and goes to check out the far side of the cavern, where light is coming in. She can hear the ocean as she approaches, and discovers that the opening lets out into the smooth, perfectly round opening that they'd found outside the Lighthouse. As it had been rigged to explode all over the place when she last saw it, she leaves it alone and tells the party that she has not yet found the way out. A little more searching reveals a path leading down on the other side of the cavern. She also finds a strange container that looks like it might hold something. Ming-ui, being paranoid, suspects a mimic. The party gathers around as she tentatively pokes it open. It bites at her, inspiring several attacks of opportunity, and the party beats the mimic senseless. (I think we found the mimic about here. It didn't look like a treasure chest, but something a little more natural to the area. I think we just hit it until it died.)
:Ming-ui searches the mimic's corpse for loot, and find a magical bag of some variety. Between them, the party pulls out a quiver, a cat-o'-nine-tails, a greatclub, and a very decayed and damaged spear. Ming-ui keeps the quiver, the greatclub and damaged spear go into the party inventory, and Ashra starts loading the cat-o'-nine-tails with wands. While he does so, the party makes several kinky jokes, and Ethan remembers with some horror that Ashra still has a morbid fascination with the undead.
:The party heads back to the donkeys and heal up again, as some party members are still hurt from the dragon fight, not to mention the mimic's attacks. Here seems as good a place as any for the casters to rest, so Shiolay and Andrey expend most of their healing spells bringing the party up to full health and settle in for an extended nap. Ashra tries and fails to kick the habit, and goes to sleep twitching and considering whether being subject to Ethan's wrath while Ghoul Glyphed would be worth stealing Wolves' Milk from him.
:The party is not bothered during their stay in the cavern. The next morning, Ashra pays the 25 GP for his fix, the donkeys are loaded up, and the procession makes its way towards the path at the back of the cavern. This path soon takes them into a series of dark tunnels, whereupon the party breaks out the Light spells and Everburning Torches before continuing. Ashra estimates that they're walking the edge between the Underdark and the sewers, though there really isn't that much of a difference. They want to go to the sewers, so they continue upwards whenever possible.
:They soon come across an area built with metal grates and bricks. The party hears strange whispers from ahead in a goblinoid language, and discover that they've stumbled upon a kobold territory in the sewers. Ming-ui secures them passage through the kobold territory with three gold pieces. For their generosity, the kobold king throws in a guide as part of the deal, and sends one of his minions forward. The party accepts the kobold and hurries onward, leaving trails of copper in their wake to distract the kobolds from theft.
:Once they make it past, Ethan asks if the kobold has a name. He does not, so Ethan names him Mr. Snugglesworth, after the zombie from the top of the Lighthouse. Ming-ui insists that his first name be Bait, or maybe his first name will be Mister and his middle name Bait. The kobold is thrilled. The party even kindly gives him a weapon: the crappy spear they pulled out of the magic bag. As the party picks out a spot to stop and eat, they start debating giving Mr. Snugglesworth a Dire Rat as his mount. They might even teach him a few of their own tricks. This is why we can't have nice things pets, y'all.
=== Episode Nine: Yeah, Well, I Destroyed a Symbol of Gruumsh ===
:After a quick break, Ashra is determined to kick the Wolves' Milk habit, but even that doesn't allay the physical cravings. Once the party is ready to move out again, it isn't long before they notice that the passage walls around them are very smooth. They are either a masterwork of worked stone, or they're going to have very unpleasant company if they keep heading in this direction. The party decides against risking getting even more lost in the Malvont sewers and keeps walking.
:Shortly thereafter, a Black Pudding starts barreling towards them along the passage. Ethan, remembering the last incident with a Black Pudding, decides to put some serious distance between it and him. Ariana thinks that this is a wise move. Shiolay and Ming-ui wade into melee to take it on like real men, Claire shoots at it and finds its lack of taking piercing damage disturbing, and Ashra puts the wand-whip to good use. Mr. Snugglesworth charges forward on a Dire Rat that he picked up somewhere, damaged spear in hand.
:Between the various types of magic being thrown down and the heroic efforts of Mr. Snugglesworth, the Black Pudding is soon thrashed. The party extracts some extremely clean armor and weapons from the Pudding's corpse, toss it onto their ever-growing pile, and continue onward after a round of heals.
:The party eventually makes their way up to the sewer areas just below the streets, as indicated by the bits of light coming in through various grates above them. The party tries navigating based on a rough estimate of time of day and associating that with cardinal directions, but Ming-ui figures that they'll have better luck by dropping a stick at all of the crossroads and going towards the direction in which it fell. This works out better than expected, and the party soon sees a ladder going up on the other side of a channel of deep, murky water. No one wants to swim across this, and jumping could be an adventure. Oh, and donkeys.
:Ethan eventually summons a huge zombie, which ferries the party members (and the mournfully braying donkeys) across the chasm one at a time. Some bruised ribs later, the party is investigating the manhole at the top of the ladder for points at which they can secure a pulley. While Ethan instructs the huge zombie to beat down anyone who follows them and tries to get to the manhole, the rest of the party climbs up to the street, ensures that they're in Malvont territory, and raise the donkeys with harnesses and pulleys. Various civilians and low-ranking military members stop and stare at this fascinating sight.
:The party makes it up the ladder and onto the street in their entirety, close up the sewers after themselves, and lead the donkeys into the theater district. Upon reaching the amphitheater, a guard takes the message that Ethan and Gauve are here to see Vishnu. They are soon shown into one of the upper rooms, whereupon Vishnu greets them and remarks that they definitely came from the sewers, didn't they. Claire and Queenie are introduced to Vishnu, and Ethan explains that Gauve met with a tragic accident and is now a girl named Ming-ui. Vishnu rolls with this, accepts his tribute from various party members, and says he'll do personal business once he's covered his next request for the Toggenburg Corporation.
:While they've been gone, Vishnu has risen in the eyes of King Avimeus. He's risen so far, in fact, that King Avimeus has invited him to a dinner that night, which he is hosting for Malvont's most influential members. Each of those invited is to bring their strongest (and socially refined) ship captains and other assorted warriors with them. Vishnu chooses Ethan and his crew, and it's an offer that they really can't refuse.
:Vishnu looks them over, finds that his would-be champions clearly have not seen clean clothing, baths, or even a decent meal in weeks, and tells them to get new clothes and bathe several times before they return. Said new clothes had better be masterwork and make them all look rich as fuck. Fortunately, Vishnu has a tailor in-house. He summons an underling to show them where to find what. Through some miraculous feat of NPCjutsu, Sam Ash appears, with Tobo behind him. Vishnu adds that it's about damn time they brought his minstrel back as the party is dismissed. As Sam takes them through the amphitheater, Tobo tags along and tells them all about this one time at bard camp -- no, you know, fuck that, let me tell you about this one time a dragon threw me all the way from the Lighthouse of Telamore to Merchantius. That was awesome.
:As the party cleans up, Sam notes down a list of what each person wants from clothes and has tailors ready and waiting for them. Ashra sticks to basic, masterwork black. Ming-ui goes for a little black dress, whereas Claire requests a full-body, long-sleeved white dress. Queenie gets shiny armor or something cool like that. Ethan and Shiolay trade up for intact, masterwork versions of their own clothes, also in black and white, respectively. Shiolay also spends some quality time shining his armor and shield. Everyone gets their boots cleaned, because dear god do they all need it. Claire and Ethan have a disguise check party and offer to make over disguise anyone else who wants to look a bit different. Food happens somewhere in there. The party realizes that they're going to need a new name, because they'll need to be introduced as something, but The Toggenburg Corporation is kind of charged these days. Claire starts pondering new names as she puts on all of her magical jewelry.
:During this, the party sells off their massive surplus of weaponry and armor. They make a decent profit on it, and Vishnu finally hands over the items he promised in return for the Eye of Moradin they found for him a couple of months back. Ming-ui and Ethan each individually seek out Vishnu for a quiet chat. Ming-ui sells Vishnu the phylactery she took from the dryad in Baldur. (She also probably got some information and so on as well.) Ethan checks the status of all the hits out on him. Marcus Fairlan still blames Ethan for his death, apparently. The Baldur War Commerce is after him on principle. Vishnu offers to make Marcus's hit go away, if Ethan can pay the price. He can't do jack shit about the Baldur War Commerce, but that one might disappear after the war ends. Those are both recent, but Vishnu managed to dig up something older that he doesn't think Ethan knows about, but definitely should.
:A little over five years prior, Highman Grax put out a hit on a half-elf with black hair and green eyes named Ethan of Malvont. No, not Ethan's mother, whose death directly benefited Grax. Ethan. Well, damn. Ethan tells Vishnu that odds are good that someone already cashed in on that one, which is good, since there is no way in hell that Vishnu could pay that one off. Vishnu also mentions that Baudin Dommilan might be back. Rumor has it that the first CEO of the Toggenburg Corporation is amassing a naval fleet against Baldur. He has the backing of the Nyasa Civilization, and the whole thing is in connection with something called the Awakening. Both of these things are relevant to their collected interests, and Vishnu wants Ethan and company to figure out what the hell is going on. Ethan says he'll consider having Vishnu pay off Marcus. Vishnu tells him not to get disintegrated. By the time they get back, it's just about showtime.
:Claire has decided to rename the company Shadowwing, Inc. This is acceptable to everyone. Sam procures the party the most fabulous ribbons for peacebonding that he could get his hands on. Ming-ui ties everyone up with quick-release knots (everyone likes safewords!). There is last rundown of carefully cleaned up backstories, followed by Vishnu threatening them all with bodily harm if they cock up his social standing. That set, the party mobilizes and heads out. Vishnu offers to escort Claire, who accepts.
:There is a simultaneous, heartfelt telepathic holy shit as the party enters Malvont City's Palace.They're all pretty good at acting like they fit in, despite having crawled out of the sewers about twelve hours prior to that. They are seated with Vishnu at a long table, and don't even have time to get restless before King Avimeus arrives. Shiolay, Ming-ui, and Ethan each figure out what bow would be appropriate for their complex social standings. Claire imitates Shiolay, and manages to coax Queenie into doing the same. Ashra, being a mindflayer, sort of wiggles a tentacle in an impressed manner. There is no one in the party left unimpressed by King Avimeus's aura of majesty. King Avimeus looks around at his assorted followers and their best fighters, and then begins to speak.
:Baldur is weak. Baldur is desperate. They are at the point where they will stop at nothing to keep the upper hand, because they have already begun to slip. Baldur has begun to send teams of adventurers into forgotten lands and ruined cities to retrieve the only thing that could save them. It won't be long before other countries do the same. Malvont has to act quickly, not as another player, but to stop this new conflict from ever happening.
:There are powerful creatures called Frozen Fates hidden somewhere in the Multiverse. They are the source of all that is arcane, and legend has it that their power leveled the entire civilization of Eldergrin. If Baldur gets their hands on so much as one Fate, the total destruction of a major country would be the best outcome. The worst would involve the unleashed power of the Fate tearing a hole in the Multiverse. With that much power at their fingertips, Baldur would only fear an opposing country also controlling a Fate. To that end, Goneril and the Nyasa Civilization will be trying to reach the Fates before Baldur does. King Avimeus wants this all cut off at the source. Rather than enter the global cold war himself, he wants the assembled ship captains and their crew to go north to the lost city of Ravinia, where the Fates are rumored to be hidden, and stop anyone else from getting to them by any means necessary. Further, stop anyone from collecting the powerfully enchanted amulets that activate the Fates. If they can do this, they will be heroes, and Baldur will inevitably fall before the Malvont army. If they can do this, they will have protected everything that defines their way of life.
:Everyone takes a breath as King Avimeus eases up on the aura of divinity and bids them eat. Vishnu mutters something about crippling Malvont's army and how am I supposed to be king of Malvont if we just feed ourselves to Baldur, then takes up residence at the bar. Claire hovers in the background, saying she's his bodyguard if anyone asks. Ming-ui notices that Prince Avimeus has retreated to go play cards or something, and follows him. Shiolay and Ethan both try being social, with mixed results. Shiolay spies a group of four clerics of St. Cuthbert and ambles in their direction. Ethan is distracted by the half-dragon on the other side of the room and retreats to a wall so he can try to hate the half-dragon to death in peace. Across the room, the half-dragon tells his friends to stop hassling him about the hot half-elf girl checking him out. Queenie goes straight for the bar, hoping to extinguish the strange warm squishy feeling she had when King Avimeus spoke. She asks for the strongest stuff the bar's got, drinks two shots of Absynthium Orientalis, and loses a sanity point before spending the rest of the evening thinking that her arms are in another plane and she can't hold the glass anymore.
:Ashra, feeling a bit out of place, stays where he is and thinks in order to distract himself from the Wolves' Milk cravings. He worries that this is playing exactly into Grax's hands: panicking Malvont enough to send their strongest off on a wild goose chase to a mythical city means that even after the Malvont army breaks the siege, Malvont's finest will be scattered to all the ends of the earth, and will remain so indefinitely. Malvont is neatly eliminated from the playing field thanks to their own fear and complacency.
:Back in the center of the party, Shiolay introduces himself as an adventurer to the other clerics. They are unimpressed, and tell him of their own exploits, which mostly consist of minor charitable deeds and some monster slaying. Shiolay hesitates, then tells them that he did destroy a symbol of Gruumsh the other day. All four clerics go silent in awe, and then start fanboying over him like there's no tomorrow.
:Ming-ui, meanwhile, has extracted Prince Avimeus from the main party and wants to have a little party of her own. Kidnapping and holding a prince for ransom would go a long way to restoring her Dread Pirate reputation and net her plenty of cash. However, kidnapping is so much more fun when the captive is willing. One diplomacy check leads to another, and the next thing you know, sex twos are flying and Ming-ui discovers the other meaning of "Prince Avimeus the Diplomat". Prince Avimeus then tells her that he wants to run away with her and see the war for himself. He hates that he's confined to the palace when beautiful women are fighting Baldur on the front lines, and he'll go with her if she's willing. Ming-ui says she'd kidnap him any time, baby, and gives him a meetup point for the next morning. She waltzes back into the main room, wearing Prince Avimeus's shirt, and heads back for the amphitheater. As she passes, Claire whispers, "Whore!"
:Shiolay is still a wild hit among the clerics, and Ashra is perfectly happy to sit at the table and ponder all the consequences of this move. Vishnu, however, has drunk himself almost to unconsciousness, but every time Claire tries to get him to return to the amphitheater, he tells her that he isn't drunk. Claire, realizing that Vishnu is one drink away from announcing to all and sundry that he wants to be the next king of Malvont, recruits Ethan to help her. She and Ethan convince him that Ethan has somehow managed to get drunk and needs to go back. Vishnu agrees to let Claire and Ethan lean on him, because he is perfectly stable on his feet but neither of them look like they can hold their liquor. This procession makes it back to the amphitheater without either Claire or Ethan bursting out laughing, and Vishnu is turned over to Sam's tender care. Shiolay, Queenie, and Ashra return shortly after that.
:The party, sans Ming-ui, reconvenes. It looks like they're heading north to Ravinia, or maybe the Ruins of Eldergrin, or somewhere else far to the north and really cold. It's getting on for winter in Goneril, they have to get through the siege somehow, and getting directions is going to be a pain in the ass. Well, no one ever said saving the world was easy.
=== Episode Ten: You Damn Kids Get Off My Lawn! ===
:Their next and most pressing issue is how to get out of Malvont. While the Malvont army plans to break the siege soon, it probably won't be happening tomorrow. To that end, Ethan wanders around asking the other ship captains and adventuring groups staying as Vishnu's guests in the amphitheater what their plans are. The four clerics in Shiolay's fanclub are planning to tank up and walk straight to the harbor with Sanctuary cast on them. Another group is going to Fly out. One of the captains is flying an airship. A few others are going to take the sewers. There is also someone hanging around who will cast Ethereal Jaunt for a fee. This information in hand, the party decides how they're going to move out. Ariana will cast Protection from Arrows and then Fly, Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus will go by the sewers, Shiolay will tank up like a man, and Ethan, Claire, Ashra, and Sam will all take Ethereal Jaunts. Once at the docks, they'll steal a ship and escape in the confusion of about twenty ships' worth of adventurers all storming out of Malvont simultaneously. Awesome.
:The next morning, Ming-ui runs off to rendezvous with her prince. The rest of the party suits up, gets their various spells cast, and moves out. They soon find that they've chosen the same route as Team Cleric, who form up and trundle off ahead of them. Ariana Supermans away, and Ethan, Ashra, Claire, and Sam take off running for the gate. Said gate has been reinforced by barricades, wooden cupolas and catapults. Claire takes cover behind Team Cleric after casting Undetectable Alignment, who have formed up into a diamond and are trudging towards the enemy fortifications. Ethan and Ashra start walking, if Ashra can be said to walk, towards the gate, because dammit, we have 800 ft of open no-man's land to cover. Halfway there, the sentries spot Ariana and fire ballistae bolts. They fly towards the party...and either bounce off or pass harmlessly through them. Ariana cackles in glee as she swoops down to cast Stinking Cloud into the cupolas...and is counterspelled by an enemy wizard. Ashra and Ethan start racing to be the first one at the gate, nobody knows where Claire is, and Shiolay keeps being the Juggernaut, bitch. Just as the main party is reaching the gate, Claire bursts out from hiding and makes a break for the doors. Ariana rolls the two that gives her her name.
:As the party reaches the end of the giant free-fire zone they've been charging across, they realize that there is still a giant fucking door in the way. Ariana switches from raining down vomit-inducing fumes to blasting the door with lightning. Then Vishnu comes swooping down in his Gundam, rolls a (1? 2? 3?) on his Intimidate, scaring the fuck out of the opposition. The party, not so much. Vishnu then unleashes his mech's arm-mounted Magic Missile Machine Guns on the door, blasting it to smithereens. Claire is the first one through the door, followed by Ethan. Ariana eschews such mundane things as doors and soars over the gate. The party then breaks through the siege line and finds themselves in civilian territory with no idea how to get to the docks. (Someone) yells that (Which side) is broken and coming this way, so everyone runs towards the docks! The party, having taken a shine to Team Cleric, sticks with them as they beat their way through the stray Baldur forces still trying to keep Malvont contained. As the party takes advantage of the panicked crowd, Ariana rolls a two, and immediately drinks a potion that appears before her. She deliberately fails the save, and falls in love with Shiolay, the nearest male. Shiolay does not return her affections.
:The party skids to a halt at the docks and takes a moment to survey all of their prospective ships. They eventually decide on The Widowmaker, a Baldur warship. Of course, this ship is already occupied by Baldur forces, but that hasn't stopped the party before. The party waves goodbye to Team Cleric as they tromp towards another ship, and then start beating down everything vaguely malicious between them and the helm of the Widowmaker. As they do so, a manhole is thrown aside, and Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus climb out to join them. There is a moment mid-battle wherein everyone from Malvont stops and stares at the prince as he introduces himself as a humble adventurer. Ming-ui glares at them until everyone else smiles and nods, and they return to beating their way through the Baldur troops.
:It doesn't take them long to get the Widowmaker emptied of enemy troops and sailing north. Ming-ui takes the helm, with Prince Avimeus at her side. The rest of the party leaves them to it and checks out the ship. It's relatively large and pretty pimp, and is an otherwise worthy acquisition. Sam finds its lack of kitchen disturbing and sets about fashioning his own. The party decides to head to Port Brogan first so they can restock, make sure that neither the treants nor the ogres have killed everyone, and get the latest gossip on the current events on the Northern Continent.
:(There was probably a storm. There's always a storm. Ashra probably had lightning issues. Ashra ALWAYS has lightning issues.)
:At long, long last, Ashra finally kicks the Wolves' Milk habit, and swears off of it forever. Just say no to traveling with drug dealers who really want to be helpful, guys.
:It's getting damned cold as they near Port Brogan. They are heading for the Northern Continent as winter is falling, which is no one's idea of a picnic. They don't have much in the way of winter clothes, the sea is rougher, and they have no idea if they'll be able to make it off of the Northern Continent before either the roads or the sea become impassable. At worst, they'll only need to make it as far as Port Brogan when they return, but even that could be challenging. Spending the winter in Port Brogan could be nice, though. They probably wouldn't even have to run away after a couple of months because of too many assassins!
:Speaking of Port Brogan, it's pretty quiet when they get into the harbor. In fact, it's quieter than they've ever seen it. Sam promises to take care of the ship while they head for the mansion, though he's a little hesitant to go into the market to do the needed shopping by himself. The party is okay with waiting on that for the next day, and head out. They skirt the main city for now and head for their mansion to see what's what. When they get there, they find that a gate has been installed and they don't have the key. If they look through the gate very carefully, they can see a few people wearing black armor moving around. Ethan and Shiolay discuss whether or not to pick the lock or just break down the gate. Also, whether or not Sil'meelen would really outfit her people in cheap black-painted armor. Common consensus says yes, but Ethan is pretty sure he's seen this armor somewhere else before. It doesn't help that something just seems off about the situation.
:Claire cares nothing for whether or not Sil'meelen would appreciate someone dropping in unannounced, and climbs over the gate and heads for the mansion. Ethan swears and follows her. Ashra levitates over, and Shiolay and Queenie...climb or something, I don't know. Once past the gate, the party reconvenes to take another look at the situation. Ashra reports that there are a bunch of mercs in cheap black-painted armor having a party behind the mansion and drinking equally cheap beer. While this seems vaguely like Sil'meelen's style, there is no sign of Sil'meelen herself, nor of her lieutenants. Further, Ethan and Shiolay can't shake the feeling of something being wrong here. Ashra decides to explore the house from the outside and check out the windows. Claire starts picking the lock on the front door. Shiolay decides to go investigate the party and determine who exactly is hosting it. He adds a few buffs before he goes for good measure. Ethan sticks with Claire and Queenie trails Shiolay.
:Ashra levitates around, keeping well away from the partiers, and finally comes across a room he thinks might belong to Fauntleroy. He uses his wand-whip to open the window, which sets off a trap. He pokes his head into the room, sees another two traps on the floor, and starts levitating through the room and basically poking things with a stick. He does not, however, see any sign of Fauntleroy. It doesn't even look like he's been in the room recently. He eventually comes across a chest, which is booby-trapped to hell and back, but Ashra somehow manages to get it open. (There was stuff. It was cool.) Then Ashra hears shouting from outside.
:Downstairs, Claire finishes picking the lock and sneaks into the main room, leaving Ethan outside. There she sees a large, heavily muscled, bald man sitting in a chair, watching a candle. The room is dark, and she can see glimpses of the party through the windows on the other side. She and Ethan have a silent, hand-signed discussion wherein Claire decides that if Ethan has never seen this person before, he's fair game. She lines up a shot for a death attack and takes it. It doesn't kill him, but it does deal the man heavy damage. He yanks the bolt out, draws his weapon, and turns towards her. Claire tosses her crossbow aside and draws her rapier, because she is going to get this kill come hell or high water.
:Meanwhile, Shiolay has made it around to the party. Given their reaction to his shield, this is not a paramilitary group dedicated to the liberation of Malvont. They don't work for Baldur, but they certaintly aren't Sil'meelen's troops. They also aren't very nice to strangers. The group's leader (I forget his name) is unforthcoming about the fate of the Holy Returners, but says he's got their leaders locked up in that shed. Shiolay says he'd like to have them back now, thanks. This proposition is rejected, and Shiolay and their leader face off.
:In the main room, Claire and the guard start fucking each other up real good. The two of them beat the crap out of each other for a while, which ends with Claire sitting on his unconscious body on the stairs, stabbing his eyes out with a poisoned dart. Ethan tells her to hurry up and kill him before shit gets worse. Claire tells him to chill out and continues with the stabbing. Ethan goes over to the window to make sure that Shiolay isn't being ganged up on by a small army of -- aw, shit.
:Shiolay has been backed up against the shed, and manages to at least get the door open and see Sil'meelen and Fauntleroy bound and gagged on the floor inside. Some of the mooks are distracted by the apparently squishy wizard who wants to say hi from the front room, but their leader is focused entirely on Shiolay. Shiolay has finally had enough of this bullshit, and slices the leader in half. The long way. Still faintly emanating the aura of a glowing golden god, he turns to the rest of the army and asks if anyone else would like to dance. Most of the mooks take off while Shiolay frees Sil'meelen and Fauntleroy. Queenie takes a few swings at the mooks as they run past.
:Upstairs, Ashra investigates a few more rooms and finds them thoroughly unexciting. There's something strange and magical happening behind one of the doors at the far end of the hallway, and he can hear whispering from inside the room. When he levitates closer, he can see a tiefling woman sitting among sigils and focusing on a candle. He asks Ethan to come check it out, and goes to meet him halfway. There on the stairs, he finds Claire gleefully stabbing out a man's eyeballs and Ethan brushing broken glass off of his clothes. As he approaches, the man on the stairs makes one last desperate attempt to kill Claire. He knocks her unconscious and throws her down the stairs. Ashra mindblasts the man into submission (and eats his brain?) while Ethan doses Claire with a potion of Cure Moderate. Shiolay and Queenie head towards the rest of the party through the broken window, Sil'meelen and Fauntleroy behind them. Ethan, figuring that the situation in the main room and outside is generally under control, starts towards the room full of magic.
:Ashra hasn't seen the front room before, and so takes a good, long look at it. He's been poking around the house and he's been able to see the outside of it as well. There have been a lot of equally spaced bonfires and candles, and Ashra suddenly realizes that they all center on the candle that the man had been guarding. He asks Claire what the man had been doing in relation to the candle. Claire explains that the man had been staring at it like a total freak. Ethan realizes that it's a focus, as does Ashra. Ethan also realizes that the last time he saw cheap black armor was when he was selling off the armor they'd taken from Tyro's militia on Port Brogan a while back. Ashra, by now, has been studying the candle intently. He decides that the best thing to do is disrupt the spell that is being cast upstairs, whatever it is, and disrupting the focus device is a perfectly serviceable way to do it.
:Ethan gets about halfway through the phrase "Wait shit don't" when Ashra reaches for the candle and blows it out.
:All of the candles and other assorted lights go out. Ethan shoves past Ashra and Claire on his way up the stairs, runs to the magical room, opens the door, and tells Tyro and Poetry to tell him what they did so he can help them stop it.
:Tyro is backing towards the door while Poetry desperately tries to get the spell under control. There is a rift open in the floor of the room with some layer of hell on the other side. The rift is rapidly spreading to cover the floor of the room, and there is something dark, massive, and alive on the other side. Back in the front room, Ashra realizes that the only thing that can stop the spell from consuming all of them and releasing whatever is on the other side is to apply an equal amount of energy to the rift. After he and Shiolay ransack the party inventory in a panic, Ashra remembers the Wand of Scouring. The only problem with it is that the wand will do its damage to the wielder as well, and it has to be manually activated. Shiolay offers a Fiendish Ape, and he and Ashra both develop the crazy smile of one in a completely ballsed-up situation that can only be solved by the proper application of high explosives.
:Claire, Queenie, Sil'meelen, and Fauntleroy all get the hell out of the mansion as Shiolay summons a Fiendish Ape and Ashra solemnly gives it the Wand of Scouring. Ashra salutes Shiolay and takes off as Shiolay and the Ape head for the stairs. The Ape has to stay within thirty feet of Shiolay, after all. Yes, up until the moment of detonation.
:Ethan and Tyro stop bitching at each other as they notice a Fiendish Ape holding a Wand of Scouring walking up to them. Poetry takes one look at the situation, stands up, and lets herself fall into the rift. Ethan grabs Tyro and the two of them fucking run as whatever is under the rift moves, exposing an eye about the size of the room. Ethan fistpounds Shiolay on the way out.
:Shiolay sends the Ape into the room and orders it to jump into the rift. Just as it jumps, he orders it to press the button, and sprints in the other direction.
:The Ape falls, and just as it slips between the Prime Material Plane and hell, it presses the big red button.
:The resulting explosion seals the rift shut, and the combination of 10d10 scouring damage to all organic things and the energy of a tear in the very fabric of the Multiverse being forcibly closed creates an explosion that levels the mansion. Shiolay was the only one still in the mansion, but the shockwave hits everyone. Ethan is the only one not staggered by it, so he starts hunting through the rubble for Shiolay as everyone else picks themselves up off the ground and try to remember which way is up. Tyro, unsurprisingly, has vanished. Sil'meelen and Fauntleroy have also long since booked it out of there.
:Shiolay has several broken or crushed bones, but is alive and even kind of conscious when Ethan finds him. He heals himself enough that he won't be grievously wounded when the party tries to move him. Bereft of mansion and really pissed off, the party forms up to head back to the ship. Queenie and Ashra support Shiolay as they go. Claire is still sulking over not being able to kill her prey by stabbing his eyes out completely. Ethan bitches at Ashra a lot and is told that it worked, and even though it caused a worse problem, they fixed that one too. They might have destroyed Tobo's mansion and nearly killed everyone in the process, but at least Tyro and Poetry didn't summon whatever-the-hell-that-was under their control. Ethan thinks that the logic sounds familiar and is unimpressed.
:By now, the party is very fond of Port Brogan. They're on the good side of just about everyone they've met there. It's a place where people don't ask any questions about where they came from, what they do, or why they're doing it. They've saved it enough times that they feel kind of possessive about it now. It's always personal with Tyro, and this is a textbook example of why. There's just something in the air in Port Brogan, it seems, because the party is going on a little detour. It'll be just like old times.
=== Episode Eleven: Even the Bar? Is Nothing Sacred? ===
:After a night spent doling out heals and recuperating back at The Widowmaker, the party heads into town to check up on Vait Umgart, the mayor of Port Brogan. When they last saw him, he was thanking them for rescuing his daughter from the ogres of Juniper Mine and otherwise giving him the tools to smooth over his disagreement with their leader, Ovak. It's been several months since then, and the party deeply suspects that the change in atmosphere in the main city of Port Brogan is due to more than the oncoming winter.
:It doesn't take long for the party to find Vait himself; he's drinking alone in his office, with few other employees even in the building. He recognizes them instantly, as there aren't too many white-haired half-elves wandering around, especially not in the company of mindflayers and Aasimar clerics. Ethan tells him that they just kicked a couple of old, ah, friends out of their mansion. Also, they have no more mansion. But hey, at least there won't be a horrible demonic presence the size of the city roaming around Port Brogan. So how are you?
:Vait recognizes the description of Tyro and his mooks, and tells them that they've kind of taken over the town. (Did he mention them being affiliated with The Laughing Rogue?) Their headquarters seems to be The Stumbling Duck. The current proprietor is someone they ought to know: Yolanda, their former boss and adventuring companion. He doesn't know what's happened to her and he hasn't seen the usual clientele around the bar lately. He sent his cousin Ulfgar over to the bar to check it out a couple of days ago, but he hasn't come back. No, no relation to their Ulfgar. Ethan explains that Ulfgar is a very common name before the mayor can do just that, to the mayor's bemusement.
:The party is already kind of in the mood to kick some ass and take some names, so they offer to head over to The Stumbling Duck themselves and check things out. The mayor is completely down with Ethan and his crew showing up to save the goddamn day again, and wishes them luck. The party waves and heads back to The Widowmaker. Sailing up to the bar in a warship will totally let us do a surprise attack, right?
:Shiolay sails The Widowmaker around to the most desolate, unguarded part of the bar's dock. There are a handful of other ships tied up there, including one small skiff that has seen better days. A bit of scouting reveals that the bar is full of men in black armor, hanging around and drinking. There is no sign of Yolanda, nor of Tyro. Given the party's mood, even Ethan and Shiolay are completely on board with walking in and fucking their shit up royally without any real provocation. In less than five minutes, the party does exactly this. Mooks start pouring out of the bar. Ashra starts in on the mindblasts and judicious use of the wand-whip, Shiolay transforms and rolls out, Queenie breaks out the beatstick, Claire snipes with death attacks, and Ethan starts cultivating his zombie army in between Magic Missiles.
:As The Stumbling Duck is built out of a scuttled ship, it has several stories. Snipers and mages line up on top of the bar and start firing down at the party, to their general displeasure. After brushing off a crossbow bolt aimed in his general direction, Shiolay notices a reed moving through the water by the docks. The reed has been carefully cut off at the top, and is perfectly vertical in the water. As Shiolay stares, he starts to hear music.
:A dwarf appears behind one of the mooks and chokeholds him unconscious. He then vanishes into the shadows and starts firing blow darts coated with a soporific. It takes a bit of convincing before he acknowledges that the party is on his side, during which time the party notices that he has a very distinctive voice. He introduces himself as Ulfgar.
:Back at the bar, Ethan finally fixes the party's little sniper problem by casting Cloudkill on top of the bar. Between this, their new ally's efforts, and their general beatdown ability, there are soon only a few mooks left. Mr. Snugglesworth charges forward on his Dire Rat to take on one of them. This doesn't work out so well for him, so Ethan, Claire, and Ashra intervene. Ashra eventually releases levitation over the offending mook's head and eats his brain. As the rest of the party finishes off the remaining other mercenaries, Ashra has his first decent meal in ages, complete with a rush of information. He learns that Tyro was the ringleader of this little group, and that he's heading for the Ruins of Eldergrin with as much of an army he can collect on the way. This man, along with the others, was supposed to go north to meet Tyro in short order. He was to go to Landinis, which is the nearest inhabited town to the Ruins. There, he was to go to the Talon Bar, order a Birdfolk Sunrise, and say that it's a damn windy day out.
:The party looks at one another upon hearing this: Tyro's obsession with the amulets runs even deeper than Ethan's, and they've recently learned that said amulets have an uncomfortable amount to do with the Frozen Fates. Eldergrin is a lost civilization from the time of Ravinia, and the two are often associated in legend. For all they know, there are Fates there. Tyro has already proven willing to do semi-suicidal things to stop Grax and the revolution; unleashing the Frozen Fates for his own use might well be the next step.
:Shiolay then searches through the inn, and finds Yolanda's room. She is long gone, but a packet of letters and some of her belongings remain. Some of the letters are addressed from Ulgrof's Pass and are from Dankhill, the orc she met in Landover when the party first went there. The rest is a correspondence with her former boss, Baudin Dommilan. The two seem to be on friendly terms from the tone of the letters, and Shiolay suspects that she might have gone to meet him when Tyro's dudes invaded her bar. He decides not to tell Ethan about this; Ethan gets a little strange whenever Baudin is mentioned, and they have more than enough to deal with at the moment.
:The party returns to meet the mayor of Port Brogan and tell him what they found. They start explaining what happened at the bar, and then everyone jumps about a foot when a potted plant helpfully fills in some of the information. There is a moment of confusion when the mayor asks who the strange dwarf is, to which the party asks in return if Ulfgar is the mayor's cousin. The mayor reminds them that Ulfgar is a very common Dwarven name, and the party is forced to admit that in that case, they haven't seen hide nor hair of the mayor's cousin Ulfgar. That covered, Ethan asks for information about what is happening on the Northern Continent these days.
:Vait tells them that Goneril and Baldur are thoroughly at war now, and Baldur is currently fighting for possession of the area of King's Reach. They plan to expand the campaign further north in the coming months. Grax hasn't seemed to notice that it's almost winter, apparently. He can also tell them a little bit about the Ruins of Eldergrin. Local legend has it that it was a Giant civilization back when the dwarves were still enslaved to them, and Moradin fought for and won the freedom of the dwarves there. Vait grabs some maps, and together with The Map, the party charts a course north to Landinis...and to Tyro Avampour: mayor of Tindersmarsh, former owner of Ethan's amulet, and desperate and ballsy counterrevolutionary.
=== Season Finale: No, Ethan. I Expect You to Die. ===
:Their first order of business is stocking up on heavy clothing and provisions for their trip north. Fortunately, Port Brogan can provide. Ethan and Shiolay head out to deal with this while Claire teaches The Map about landmarks on the Northern Continent that have appeared in the past thousand years. Ashra, already disturbed by the lengths to which Tyro has proven that he will go to stop Grax, ambles back to The Widowmaker for some quality space brain time. Queenie trails after Ethan and Shiolay for a while. Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus make out on the deck of the ship a lot and scare some passerby.
:Ashra wonders why the hell Grax would have wanted to coordinate an attack against Goneril in winter, since he has to know how horrible of an idea it is. He concludes that Grax has to be deliberately trying to weaken Baldur somehow; none of his actions make sense otherwise. This dovetails with his theory that Grax is playing every side, since just about every other side in the world is pissed off at Baldur at current. King Avimeus just sent twenty-odd ship captains walking all over Baldur's siege, Barron Ganth has been assembling an army to take on Baldur for half a year now, and the Nyasa Civilization is apparently weighing in with rumored connections to the Dread Pirate Lucy and Baudin Dommilan. One small country that is already split by a revolution that has divided into two factions won't be able to stop that if all three countries attack at once. There is no indication yet that such a thing will happen, but Grax could easily provoke them into doing it. Baldur would be destroyed, and the armies of the other three superpowers of this hemisphere of Eon would all be in one place.
:Ashra is now more than ever convinced that Tyro is playing straight into Grax's hands by resorting to ever more drastic measures to stop the war. Tyro has never cared about collateral damage when he's trying to get what he wants, and Ashra is certain that Tyro has no idea of just what he's playing with. They're going to have to stop him, as much for the sake of international politics as getting him back for their mansion. It's kind of alarming when the two go hand-in-hand.
:Supplies obtained, the party bids Vait farewell and return to The Widowmaker. Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus set the ship towards the Goneril coast, and they're off. It's getting truly cold out there on the ocean; it snows from time to time, and there are chunks of ice in the ocean. Ashra is on watch one day when he spots an actual, honest-to-god iceberg a couple of miles off. It isn't anywhere near their path, so Ming-ui just keeps a cautious eye on it. That is, until it suddenly is in their path. Ming-ui manages to navigate around it without any damage to The Widowmaker, but they pass close enough to see ice elementals inside the iceberg.
:As they near Goneril, the party has to decide where they're going to tie up the ship and how they're going to get into Goneril from there. They want to avoid major cities and even stay off of the major roads as long as they possibly can. They eventually decide to sail around the northeast side of Goneril, tie up the ship, and head inland through Elderfey Forest. The water is starting to get choppier as they approach and start sailing within sight of the Goneril coast. Ariana and Shiolay start talking about the old sailor's adage about red skies and storms. Ethan wanders over and tells them that they have it backwards. It properly is, "Red skies at night: sailor's delight. Red skies in the morning: sailors take warning." The sky is currently not red. Ethan, Ariana, Shiolay, and Ashra all look at each other, and then at the increasingly rough ocean. Ethan then starts getting one of those headaches. Ariana, not having seen this before, asks what's up. Ethan tells her that he spent a lot of time on ships when he was alive, and those memories are debilitating to deathlocks. Ariana pats him on the head and does the 'cheer up, emo kid' routine, to which Ethan says, "But I couldn't buff myself against the heartbreak."
:The next morning, the sky is blood red.
:Ashra takes a look around with his telescope and sees a brutal storm not far off. It's bad enough that they might not be able to survive it on the ship. Even if they did, they'd be incredibly delayed, and the ship would certainly be damaged. They haven't quite reached where they planned to disembark, but Shiolay and Ariana come up with a plan. If they sail close enough to the cliffs, then Shiolay can cast Walk on Water on the party and Ariana can cast Fly on them so that they can reach the tops of the cliffs once they're on shore. They would take down the sails, weigh anchor, and otherwise set up The Widowmaker to weather the storm as best it can on its own. The four of them look at each other again, shrug, and start setting up the ship to get on without them. The party as a whole has serious issues rolling over a five, at which point Mr. Snugglesworth shouts, "Out of my way, you incompetent fucks!" and fixes everything.
:Once they're ready, Shiolay starts to cast Walk on Water, and does not succeed. He is then wracked by crippling pain as his intestines fill with sand. Faced with a storm bearing down on them, a man to take revenge on, and the man she loves in pain at her feet, Ariana comes up with another cunning plan. Grease and Mage Hand should clear up that little problem fast enough for Shiolay to be able to cast the spell in time. Everyone else on the ship is too busy facepalming or otherwise wincing to argue, so Ariana gets casting. Just before she begins, she tells Shiolay, "This is the only way that I can be close to you, because you won't love me!"
:A few minutes later, Ariana brings Shiolay over to the other side of the ship to join the rest of the party. He casts Walk on Water again, successfully this time, and the party jumps overboard and is off. They just barely make it to the top of the cliffs before the storm washes over them. It's much easier to deal with on land than it would be in the water, but they take cover in the forest anyway.
:The walk to Wilderfey Wild is relatively uneventful, though they wander in circles a little bit and Ming-ui is nervous about the "fey" part of Elderfey Forest. (We did run into something not far out of Wilderfey Wild, though I do not remember what it was. I think it was resolved in a friendly manner.)
:Wilderfey Wild is a town full of avians and elves. A good two-thirds of the town is set well above the ground on platforms in the trees. Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus head off to get them rooms, Claire following at a distance. Ashra, Shiolay, Ariana, and Ethan check out the ground level of the town, and at one point encounter an avian who thinks that Mr. Snugglesworth would make a fantastic lunch. Ethan talks Ariana out of killing the avian. Shiolay and Ashra talk the avian out of killing Mr. Snugglesworth and get some information about the local geography. The avian takes off in search of a more promising lunch, and the party makes their way to the inn.
:The inn is built into the base of a tree, and is pretty high-quality in more ways than one. Not only are the rooms good and the clientele relatively upscale, but the rooms all come with a pretty elf of the gender of one's choosing. There is some hysterical laughter all around upon realizing that a dead man, a mindflayer, an insane sorceress, an asexual assassin, and a cleric of St. Cuthbert have all just gotten rooms in a whorehouse out of convenience.
:The party crashes for the night and starts exploring the town in earnest the next morning. Ariana goes cruising through the treetop bars, Shiolay and Ashra do some basic resupply shopping, and Ethan spends some time in the front room of the inn people-watching. The party regroups for lunch, and then realize that they haven't seen Ming-ui or Prince Avimeus in a while. The innkeeper tells them that he hasn't seen them come back, either. The party figures that they'll turn up and return to poking around the town, hoping like hell that they haven't just misplaced the prince of Malvont.
:The two of them still haven't come back by dusk. Claire takes dinner in her room while Shiolay, Ashra, and Ariana go eat in the front room. Ethan goes with them and starts checking their overland route to Landinis on The Map. Their table is close enough to the door that they can hear when an arrow impacts it. The innkeeper, annoyed, goes for the door and yanks out the arrow. He returns inside and closes the door as he inspects the arrow. It looks like a perfectly normal, plain arrow, but it has a piece of paper wrapped around the shaft. He turns to the party, as they are closest, and laments about kids these days. He then unrolls the paper, reads it, and turns back to the party. He can't make sense of it, nor does he know who it's addressed to, but it is not good. Ethan offers to take a look, and the party crowds around to read the message.
:It's from Tyro, and is addressed to Ethan. He claims to have captured Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus, and will return them in exchange for five amulet pieces or, failing that, Ethan himself. Both are preferable. He will be waiting for Ethan in the Ruins of Eldergrin. If Ethan refuses, both Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus die.
:The innkeeper correctly assumes from the party's expressions that they know what the letter means. He wants to know who 'Ethan' is, for starters, and goes to the guest records to find out if there is any such person staying there. Ethan tells him that he's just someone that the party knows, and goes to distract him from his search for who 'Ethan' really is by asking a lot of questions about the Ruins of Eldergrin. Back at the table, Ashra and Shiolay have a whispered conversation wherein they realize that they only have two amulet pieces. If they want to make a fair trade, they have to use Ethan. They know so little about the Ruins and the conditions under which Tyro is holding Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus that they can't estimate whether or not it will even be possible to take Ming-ui and the prince back by force. They do know that Tyro, when pushed, apparently has the resources and the crazy to be capable of just about anything.
:The couch next to Ashra speaks up: the question still remains if Tyro is bluffing about any part of that. Ashra jumps about a foot, and then recognizes the voice. When he asks Snake how he got to Wilderfey Wild, Snake tells them that he's been with them the entire time. Ashra accepts this and rolls with it. Shiolay says that he could scry for Ming-ui if he had a suitable place to do so. By now, Ethan has thoroughly distracted the innkeeper from looking for anyone named 'Ethan' in his guest books, so Ashra and Shiolay take the opportunity to ask the innkeeper if he knows of anywhere where one can scry. Ethan, meanwhile, goes back to the table and sort of stares into nothingness for a while.
:The innkeeper tells Shiolay that the temple of Corellon Larethian has a place where he could scry, if he can pay tribute and otherwise convince the clerics to let him do so. Shiolay decides to do that first thing the next morning. Ashra goes back to the table and has a telepathic conversation with the couch regarding potential spies. Someone is certainly keeping Tyro informed of their whereabouts down to knowing when they'll be conveniently close to the door to receive a message shot into said door. If they make any obvious efforts to stock up or otherwise prepare to take Ming-ui and the prince back by force, that also might make it back to Tyro, who might not take that well. Not only do they have to act like everything is all right to keep the innkeeper from noticing that the reason for having arrows with threats shot into his door was standing right next to him, but they have to make Tyro's spies think that they're going to obey. The couch promises to keep an eye on the other guests in the inn.
:Ariana brings up the issue of why they're risking their lives for Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus. Ashra and Shiolay point out that letting a friend and the prince of Malvont die at Tyro's hands makes them angry on several levels. This appeal does not convince Ariana, but the general principle of vengeful smackdowns in exchange for the mansion and generally fucking up Port Brogan seems sound to her. Shortly thereafter, the party retires to their rooms to prepare in the most secrecy that they think they can have. Ashra goes around checking for unexpected consciousnesses and finds none. Shiolay brushes up on how to scry, goes through his loot for some tribute that would be acceptable to devotees of Corellon Larethian, and prays to St. Cuthbert for guidance. Ethan wonders why Tyro would have asked for five amulet pieces. It seems like a random number to him, and he's pretty sure that Tyro knows that he doesn't have that many. If he'd wanted to force Shadowwing, Inc. to give him Ethan, he could have made that the only acceptable response.
:The next morning, Shiolay makes his way up into the treetops to find the temple of Corellon Larethian. It takes some searching, but he eventually finds it and walks in. There, he meets a young cleric of Corellon Larethian, who tells him that people often come to scry here. There is a flat fee in gold, or he could tithe something of great interest to the temple. Shiolay goes through his things and offers the cleric an Everburning Torch. The cleric is thrilled, and takes it away to confer with his superiors. He returns after a few minutes, tells Shiolay that his tithe has been accepted, and he may scry. As Shiolay prepares, the cleric asks him what he's scrying for. Shiolay tells him that he's looking for a friend, and then focuses in on the bowl of water.
:He sees Ming-ui blindfolded and tied up, being shoved along in a snowy forest by men in black armor. He can't see the prince anywhere. For a moment, he flashes into Ming-ui's mind. She's exhausted, cold, and terrified. There is no sign of Tyro. The vision dissipates, and Shiolay takes a minute to recover. He gives the cleric a quick description of the forest, and the cleric confirms that it's probably the forest between Wilderfey Wild and Eldergrin. As Shiolay packs up, the cleric mentions a prophecy that they had received earlier. Shiolay stops dead in his packing up as he hears it. It references the downfall of a god in terms that sound a lot like Ethan and perhaps Shiolay are involved. The cleric asks him what's wrong; Shiolay tells him he thinks he might know what the prophecy is about. The cleric is shocked, and takes off to inform his superiors.
:A few minutes later, several large and heavily armed clerics arrive and tell Shiolay that he needs to leave. Now. No, don't say anything about the prophecy. Goodbye. Shiolay returns to the ground and tells the party that Tyro probably wasn't lying about taking Ming-ui to the Ruins of Eldergrin. Also, something really weird is going on with prophecies and the elves. The prophecy sounded strangely like they might be involved, and the second that Shiolay mentioned that he might know one of the participants in it, they threw him out. Awkward.
:This is set aside for the more pressing matter of needing to figure out who is spying on them and how they can evade them on their way to Eldergrin. The party returns to the front room of the inn and starts using mirrors to find who is watching whom, with the assistance of a couch. There are a few people still kind of staring at them for their general outsider-ness, any of whom could be on Tyro's payroll. There is also a lady cleric watching them with interest from the bar. Ariana decides to go distract her, but isn't quite sure what lie she can tell. Ethan deadpans, 'I find you very attractive', which Ariana decides will be acceptable. The party gives her a telepathic salute as she heads over.
:Ariana flirts with the cleric and buys her a couple of drinks. The cleric reciprocates, and eventually invites Ariana back to her room. Ashra, Shiolay, and Ethan are all impressed and mildly alarmed by her, ah, dedication. Ethan and Snake talk about love blooming on the battlefield. Ashra moves to the other side of the room so that he can keep track of her to make sure she's all right, though he pointedly does not listen in. Once was more than enough.
:The cleric shoos the complimentary whore out of her room and lets Ariana in. It's a good thing that Ariana is a sorceress, because her charisma is through the roof, baby. There is some general slow undressing and diplomacy checks of a very special nature, and then the cleric gives Ariana a hug. Ariana eventually relaxes, which is the point at which the cleric hits her with Shocking Grasp.
:Ariana grabs a sheet and bolts out of the room, screaming. Ethan, Shiolay, and Ashra all take off towards her, and the front room suddenly loses a couch. They arrive just in time to see the cleric run down the hallway in the other direction. Ethan goes after her. Ashra detects a consciousness in a nearby painting, mindblasts it, and is rebuffed by an indignant Snake. Ariana barrels into Shiolay and clings to him for a moment while she calms down enough to explain. Ashra, Shiolay, and Ariana then all run after the cleric as well. They see her run into a room at the very end of the hall, slam the door, and lock it after her. Ariana runs up to it, yanks on the doorknob, and then backs up and says she's going to Lightning Bolt the door unless someone else objects. Shiolay, Ashra, and Ethan tell her to hit it, and the door explodes.
:It turns out that there is a secret stairway leading down in the basement of the inn. The cleric runs down it and vanishes into the darkness. Two mooks in black armor start running up the stairs towards them. By then, the four of them have assembled at the top of the staircase and are just staring down at the mooks. The party smacks down the mooks with barely any effort required. Ariana decides to capture one of them, and drags him back to her room. Ethan gives her a set of robes, which she trades in for the sheet. Shiolay and Ashra tie up the mook, and then step back as Ariana starts asking questions. All seems to be proceeding as normal until Ariana develops a crazy smile and casts Grease.
:There is a collective protest from Shiolay, Ashra, and Ethan as Ariana casts Mage Hand and starts repeating her questions. Eventually Ariana pauses and asks why the party is so bent on keeping her from getting revenge on the person who cast Shocking Grasp on her. Ethan stares, and then shrieks that this is a fucking level two male fighter, and Ariana was electrocuted by a female cleric. Ariana takes another look at the mook's face, realizes that he looks nothing like the cleric, and relents. Shiolay heals the mook's physical injuries, but can do nothing for the trauma. Ethan and Ashra sit down with the mook, who starts crying in terror when a mindflayer starts asking questions. Shiolay tries Calm Emotions on him, allowing the mook to speak coherently.
:They quickly learn that this mook is just a local kid from the woods who was offered a good salary if he could catch Ethan of Malvont and his companions if they found any of his boss's spies. Ashra continues to ask questions while Ethan goes over to Shiolay and starts raging about how someone set up this kid to die, because whoever is giving him orders has to know that he didn't stand a chance against Ethan alone, let alone Ethan with help. Even if they let him go, his superiors will probably kill him for having told Ashra everything he knows. Shiolay tries to talk Ethan out of adopting the mook. Then the innkeeper wanders by the open door, sees the destruction at the other end of the hallway, and asks what the hell happened here.
:Ashra goes to stand in the door so the innkeeper won't notice the traumatized teenager in black armor tied to a chair. He tells the innkeeper that someone attacked their companion, so the four of them fought back in her defense with the help of their dwarven traveling companion. The innkeeper says that he hasn't seen a dwarf around lately. Ashra asks, "Have you noticed that your front room has an extra couch?" "No...?" "Yeah, he's that kind of guy."
:The innkeeper peers over Ashra's shoulder, notices the kid, and asks what the hell that's about. Ashra waves it off as some teenager in lively spirits who was hired as a joke to try to attack Ariana, and they're going to return him to his parents. Honest. No, he isn't sobbing in fear. The innkeeper wants to know who will either pay for the door or cast Mend on it. Ethan tells the innkeeper to make sure that the kid gets home safe and stays safe, tells Ariana to pay for the door or have Shiolay cast Mend if he's got it prepared, and announces that they are leaving right now. The innkeeper is showered with gold, everyone grabs their things, and Ariana's room is suddenly down a chair. The innkeeper tells them that they should really be gone from the city by sunset, because otherwise the whole "no questions asked" part of their stay is off.
:The party does some fast last-minute restocking, searches for and can't find Claire, breaks out The Map, and heads north for the Ruins of Eldergrin. They are guided only by Shiolay and Ashra's intuition and occasional hints from the extra rocks by the fire. Snake also assures them that Claire knows where they are and will be able to follow. It is incredibly cold, and everyone takes a bit of cold damage as a result. Ashra's body temperature is incredibly elevated because of a previous two, so he is better off than the rest. Ariana takes the opportunity to get up close and personal with Shiolay. Ethan produces no body heat at all, and spends a lot of time huddled miserably by the fire and hoping that it doesn't get cold enough to actually freeze him.
:Two weeks of travel later, Ashra spots a massive building in the distance. The party rushes through the last bit of forest and emerges in a vast, open space. There are ruined buildings as far as the eye can see. It is completely silent, and looks as though no one has touched it in centuries. Even as far back as the treeline, they can feel a strange aura emanating from it. They can't place what it is, but the very air feels wrong somehow. Unsettled, the party starts down towards the nearest buildings. If Tyro brought Ming-ui and Prince Avimeus here, there are probably tracks.
:There are a few small traps on their way into the city, but nothing they can't easily avoid. It is getting dark as they reach the first ruined building. The party explores it as quietly as they can, and decide that it is as good a place for them to stay as any. The Ruins are not a place that they want to explore in the dark. Staying in the Ruins overnight is also an unpleasant prospect, but they don't have much of a choice. They keep the fire banked very low in case anyone is around to see them, and keep a careful eye on potential sniper posts in the nearby buildings. Snake very quietly tells them the story of Eldergrin as he knows it.
:Eldergrin was a vast, technologically advanced city over a thousand years ago. There was a giant civilization among its residents. Moradin came to Eldergrin and fought the god of giants. Moradin triumphed, and the dwarves were freed from slavery. Moradin led them out of Eldergrin and helped them found their own cities. Not long after that, Eldergrin fell. Snake had never imagined ever seeing Eldergrin itself. None of them had, really: it seemed as mythical to them as Ravinia, in a way.
:They keep careful watch that night, and all of them sleep badly when they do. They are all up before dawn, and as soon as it's light enough for Ariana and Shiolay to see, they move out of the building quietly and continue exploring. The next building is several hundred feet to the left and ahead of them. As they approach it, Shiolay steps into an old, rusted bear trap. He and Ashra pry it off of his leg. As he heals the wound, Ethan sends a couple of zombies ahead to set off the other bear traps. Shiolay does the same with a few animal summons. That dealt with, the party advances. They all have a strange, sinking feeling of something being horribly wrong as they get closer.
:There are stone stairs leading up into the building, which is missing a few walls and the roof. All that remains are several columns, a wall to their right and another ahead of them, some debris, and a pool of still water by the wall. As they go up the stairs, they can see writing on the inside of the wall to their right. Ethan goes over to it: it is a message from Tyro, carefully designed to fuck with Ethan's mind. When Ethan reaches the wall, he realizes that the message was written in blood.
:The party, now even more unsettled, continues searching. Ethan finds that the wall is intensely magical, as is the pool of water. It feels like pure negativity is welling up under the ground and behind the wall. Ashra levitates up to the top of the wall and looks at it. The wall is actually two walls surrounding an open space inside of it. He can't see all the way to the bottom of the wall, though he should be able to. Shiolay summons a dog, gives it a lit candle, and has Ashra carry the dog up to the top of the wall. Shiolay orders the dog to jump down and bring the light with it. The dog jumps, and then recoils and flings itself off of the top of the wall in the other direction. It falls to the ground and dies. Ashra decides against levitating down into the space with an Everburning Torch.
:While this was going on, Ethan was sitting on the base of the column closest to the wall and staring at it. The column next to him tells him that it isn't good for him to stay so close to it, and he should probably step back to where the others are. Ethan tells him, dreamily, that he feels safest here. Snake, unnerved, stays with him. Ethan then starts hearing Whispers: the voices of the damned, or worse.
:Ashra, Shiolay, and Ariana return to the building and start looking around. Ashra, on a whim, does a quick Detect Thoughts. He counts one extra, and focuses on it. He realizes that the consciousness is in the wall somehow. When he tries for surface thoughts, the wall speaks to him: Wait. It says it, very slowly, over and over. Ethan mentions the Whispers as the party is discussing this, and finds out that no one else can hear them. When everyone else stares in shock, Ethan says defensively, "Just because I hear the voices in my head doesn't mean I'm crazy!" This convinces absolutely no one.
:Everyone steps away from the wall for a while to continue investigating the building. In the corner that is far left from the stairs, they find a strange five foot square where there is no grass growing. Ethan tells them that the magic there is incredibly negative and necromantic. Shiolay summons a Fiendish Ape and tries to get it to walk onto the square. It walks up to the square and stops dead at the edge, and no command Shiolay issues will get it to go further. Shiolay dismisses it, and Ethan tries to do the same thing with a zombie. It, too, walks up to the edge and cannot be forced any further. As they discuss what could be doing this, the zombie begins to clutch its head and scream. Ethan dismisses it, and the entire party takes a breath and tries not to freak out. Once they've recovered their composure as much as they can in such a place, they turn their attention back to the patch of negativity.
:Ethan tries to figure out more about what kind of magic it could be and what could have caused it. With Ariana, Ashra, and Shiolay's assistance, Ethan realizes (by making the DC 40) that this is the remnant of a god. Something horrible and unnatural happened to that god, and this is what is left. It could be a shadow, or it could be a piece of the god itself. He can't tell what god it was, or who did it, but that information is more than enough to terrify everyone. Shiolay wonders if the legend wherein Moradin triumphed was really the way that it happened. Ethan smiles and says, "Moradin has fallen. Nerull will rule all dwarves."
:Ethan goes back to the wall, and the others decide to leave the patch of horrible negativity alone as well. Ashra listens in on the wall again. It says Wait one more time, and then changes. It spells out a code, letter by letter: U G B E R G A R K G A R T R E U T V U. It continues repeating this code for as long as Ashra listens. He lets everyone else hear this telepathically, but none of them have any idea of what this could mean. Ethan looks at the wall again, and sees that the words in blood are starting to blend together and run.
:There is a noise from the other side of the building. Everyone looks towards it, and sees Ming-ui staggering towards them. She is deathly pale and covered in blood. As she approaches, they can see the knife in her back. She reaches the party and stands there, swaying slightly, and completely catatonic. Shiolay can't tell at a distance whether or not she is alive or undead, so he goes to her and casts Cure Minor Wounds. Ming-ui starts shaking and whimpers. Shiolay thinks, from having touched her, that she's still alive. He starts preparing to cast a more powerful cure spell when someone shoots Ethan.
:Between the Protection from Arrows that Ariana cast on everyone and Ethan's own immunity to sneak attacks and criticals, the bolt does him no damage. He yanks it out, turns, and runs into the cleric who attacked Ariana. She casts Cure Critical Wounds, which Ethan absorbs thanks to Protection from Positive Energy. Snipers start appearing on top of the non-talkative wall, and there is a flash of a red cape running towards them from the top of the wall. In the first volley of sniper fire, Ming-ui is hit and killed.
:Shiolay begins to fire up the Super Saiyan powers, Ariana casts Fly and takes to the skies to better rain hell down on Tyro's mercenaries, and Ashra levitates and breaks out the wand-whip. Ethan turns to the wall that is oozing blood, screams, "Help me!" in Infernal, and runs out of the building.
:Ashra broadcasts it to everyone when the wall immediately replies, Wait no more.
:The cleric gives Ethan up as a lost cause for cure spells and turns to her more immediate threat: Shiolay. She goes after him and hits him with an inflict spell while he's still buffing. Ashra tries to mindblast her, and Shiolay does his best to fend her off. Ethan stops about thirty feet away from the building and starts hitting the cleric with Magic Missile. On the other side of the building, Tyro starts firing at Shiolay with a crossbow. One of the columns starts firing soporific and poisoned darts. Mr. Snugglesworth saddles up his Dire Rat and rides forth, brandishing his lance.
:The patch of negativity flows closer to the stairs, killing all living plant matter in its path. The party all stares at it in horror, but they don't have much time to wonder what is going on. Shiolay finally finishes powering up and starts thrashing the other cleric. Ariana rains Stinking Clouds down on the snipers. Ashra starts firing every wand he has. He also points out to Ariana that this is the cleric who electrocuted you! This motherfucker right here! Shoot her first!
:Ethan, meanwhile, absently casts Magic Missile at anything hostile that moves nearby and watches the patch of negativity move closer. He tries talking to it, but gets no response. Ashra levitates over near him to start dealing with the other snipers on that side of the building. At the far end of the building, Tyro appears and runs in. Shiolay wrath-of-gods his way over to Tyro, shoving the other cleric aside as he goes.
:Ethan takes a few steps towards the negativity as it comes closer. When they are within twenty feet of each other, it becomes a whirlwind, dragging everything else around it in. Ashra flails out of the way, and Ethan starts really reconsidering accepting help from something made of pure negative energy. It doesn't give him much of a choice; it throws Ashra aside and drags Ethan into the whirlwind. When the winds calm down, Ethan is gone.
:By then, Shiolay has reached Tyro and is administering a truly righteous beatdown. Ariana alternates between fucking up the cleric and harrying the snipers. Ashra also goes for the cleric with the intent to grapple and attach all four tentacles. Mr. Snugglesworth gets in a few jabs at the cleric, and a couple of the snipers learn what the Boss taught that nearby brick about CQC. Ashra rolls a two, but does not get a random magical effect. Instead, he learns that he is very important, for some reason. Ashra isn't sure whether or not to believe this, given the general atmosphere of madness, and he is soon distracted. (I don't remember the specifics. Ashra 1.0 tells me that he thinks it was something to the effect of 'you are important to the fate of the world'.)
:The patch of negativity moves back towards the building, and then fires beams of dark energy from all four sides. One of the beams hits Tyro and nicks Shiolay. Another hits the other cleric and Ashra As the battle continues, the negativity comes ever closer, firing off energy every time it stops moving. It then moves once more and pulses, dispelling all magic around it in a 100 ft. radius. Ashra falls a few feet to the ground as his levitation cancels. Ariana is just above the top of the pulse, and so her Fly and other protective spells remain intact. All of Shiolay's buffs disappear, as do Ashra's and the other cleric's. They both get the hell out of the way as the patch of negativity continues moving toward them. Shiolay heals himself as he goes. The other cleric heals herself as well and starts moving toward Ming-ui's corpse.
:About ten seconds later, Ethan materializes on the ground about a hundred feet from the building. He starts to get up, and then notices that something is very, very different. Even to his inexpert check, it's obvious that he has a pulse. Stunned, Ethan sits up and stays where he is, wondering how he forgot how loud his heartbeat had been.
:Tyro bolts past the patch of negativity and vaults the stairs, going through his pockets as he runs. Ariana continues throwing Lightning Bolts at the cleric. Most of the snipers have retreated, and Shiolay smacks down those who get frisky enough to come closer. Ashra follows Tyro, staying low to the ground but high enough to avoid the lasers. Tyro finally skids to a halt about twenty feet from Ethan, finds what he was looking for, and throws a pebble at Ethan. It hits, and Ethan collapses.
:This action has, however, conveniently put Tyro right in the path of the next laser pulse. He takes the blast full to the face, leaving him bloodied and reeling. Ashra shouts for Ariana to leave off the cleric and hit Tyro with Magic Missile, and then does so himself. Ariana does as Ashra asks, and Tyro dies. The patch of negativity fires off its magic-dispelling pulse once more, and then appears to go dormant.
:As Ashra, Ariana, and Shiolay cluster around Tyro's body, Ethan wakes up with the knowledge that his death was prophecied, though he has no idea which one. Ethan sits up again and checks for a pulse. When he finds none, he shouts over to the others that he's fixed, and how are they? Ariana then remembers the cleric, and she and Ashra both look to the pool of water. It's rippling, and Ariana quickly hits it with a Lightning Bolt. She doesn't hear any screams of pain, to her dissatisfaction. Ashra sighs and says that the pool of water probably let out in another area, and might even have been how Tyro and his crew sneaked in without them noticing.
:Ethan looks around and discovers a pebble on the ground next to him. The last thing he'd felt before waking up dead again had been something small hitting him, so he picks it up for a better look and realizes that it is powerfully magical. He looks over at Tyro, at the pebble again, and then says, "Oh, fuck."
Season Five Complete.
== Previously/Next Time on Eon ==
Previous Season: Season Four: Southern Dreadnought
Next Season: Season Six: Legends of the Ages
Adventures with this party will continue in Season Seven: The Throne of Discord!
==Characters==
Starring:
*Ethan of Malvont
*Ashra
*Shiolay
*Sir Tobo of Port Brogan
*Andrey Hilltopple
*Dread Pirate Gauve
*Claire
Introducing (in order of appearance):
*Elwood (That monk dude)
*Queenie and Ariana
With a Very Special Guest Star:
* Fab Dick
Category:Seasons