Sexuality discourse

Richard Packard, Licensed Psychologist, 30+ yrs experience, private and public sectorsAnswered April 23, 2018
This is an extraordinarily complex issue and it’s impossible to give it the attention it deserves in a brief discussion. While many of the other responses have some good points, there is an amazing amount of misinformation in the world about sexuality in general and even more about sexual behavior that crosses the line of legality, harm to others, or moral prohibitions.
Having worked professionally with many men along these lines, I’ll give you the basic, important, concepts and then a recommendation or two.
What almost all of us find sexually interesting or arousing is usually much broader than most of us care to admit to ourselves or others.For most of us past the age of 30 or so, what we choose to actually do, sexually, is usually much narrower than what we find interesting.Nonetheless, it’s remarkably easy to broaden what we find sexually interesting — all it takes is a few repeated pairings of a stimulus with a reward (orgasm) and any of us can be well on our way. Add in the wrong set of emotional circumstances, disinhibiting substances, stress, and lack of reward in prosocial ways and anyone can quickly develop a serious problem.It’s a lot harder to narrow what we find sexually interesting. It’s much easier to narrow how we actually act, sexually.Because sexuality is very much a part of our intimate relationships, it’s very easy to confound sexual interest with emotional bonding. While they are closely related, they are not the same. It’s especially important for the loved ones to realize this.If the sexual interest/arousal is illegal or harmful, even if the person has never actually acted on it, the fact that the motivation is present automatically increases the risk of the person doing so. Everybody can experience strong temptation. We would all like to think we would “never do” something, but given the right (wrong) circumstances, even the strongest of internal inhibitions can be over-ridden. Because of this, your husband has a responsibility to others to do the best he can to reduce the risk as much as he can. Some would argue that you play a role in this, too.There is a lot of misinformation about what gets reported to legal authorities. This does vary from jurisdiction to jurisdiction, but in most of them, there is no mandatory report to law enforcement for what someone finds interesting, if they haven’t acted on it and there is no risk to others. This is still an understandable concern. If you want to be sure about the law in your area (and I wouldn’t blame you a bit for that), consult a lawyer who knows the mandatory reporting laws in your jurisdiction. Go ahead and pay for an hour of his/her time to understand what legal risk is present and what is not. You and your husband will both feel better knowing those parameters.There is actually a lot of help out there. Many of the therapists who do this sort of work don’t necessarily make it all that well known, but they can be found. If you are in N. America, the best place to find a therapist who specializes in this sort of work is through Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers. There is an online directory of clinicians and you can also contact them and ask for a confidential referral. Although many European clinicians are members of ATSA, there is also IATSO. You would probably have to email them for a referral. Groups like Stop It Now | Stop It Now (US) and Do you like children in ways you shouldn't? (Germany) can also provide help. There are also a variety of self-help groups largely based on the 12-step model. They can help, especially for support, but they are not going to have the expertise you and your husband will want and need. Contact a professional who is a member of one of these organizations, since they are the people who know more about it than anyone else.
Good luck! While I imagine that this is very upsetting, it does not have to be the end of your marriage and it does not necessarily mean that something awful is going to happen. It does mean that your husband has a vulnerability that he (and you) must appreciate, understand, and arrange your life in such a way that it does not become something awful. In many ways, it sound like both of you have already licked one of the hardest parts, which is admitting it to someone else and working to lessen the natural denial. Now it’s time to take some action steps. You can do it!
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Sexuality