Cold Ramen: S01E19

Operation: Dessert Storm is the nineteenth episode of Cold Ramen. The episode is about Cooko's refusal to give in to the Time Colony when Young Ageo attempts to blackmail him. 
== The Episode ==
(cooko is in the throne room of the food colony castle, shifting his vision between a large oven and an egg timer)
Cooko: That's it, almost there...
(the throne room's large doors are kicked open by an excited snacko)
Snacko: Cooko Cooko Cooko! Grillo is flash frying an entire cow in the commons! You gotta se--
(cooko puts a hand up to shush snacko)
Cooko: Snacko, remember all those times I've threatened your life over interrupting my cooking?
Snacko: All the time!
Cooko: Well this one's extra serious. If you mess this up for me, I WILL kill you. I've spent all day working on the Food Colony's biggest soufflé, and it has to go perfectly! My recipe calls for EXACT timing, to the second! And if I don't turn off the oven when I need to, the perfect, crisp exterior will burn! This is going to be my lasting legacy in the Food Colony once I'm gone!
Snacko: But we're immortal!
Cooko: You think I wanna hang out with you goobers for all eternity? Eventually, I'll be promoted to Food Ruler and one of you other Lords can run things. Meanwhile, this 5 feet tall souffle will stand the test of time! Speaking of time, I believe I have 10 more seconds on the clock!
Snacko: You sure that's 10 seconds, Cooko?
(cooko turns around and sees that his egg timer's hand is rotating rapidly.
Cooko: OH SHIT WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY TIMER
(cooko grabs snacko)
Cooko: WHAT DID YOU DO YOU INFERNAL BAG OF CORN AND SOYBEAN OIL?!
Snacko: N-n-nothing, I swear!
Cooko: I HAVE TO GET THAT SOUFFLE OUT AT THE PERFECT TIME! TOO EARLY AND IT'LL DEFLATE! TOO LATE AND THE TOP WILL BURN! UMMM....UMMMM!!!
(cooko stares at the oven, sweating profusely)
Cooko: ALRIGHT FORGET IT, HELP ME GET IT OUT!
(the food lords open the oven door and pull out the souffle. the dessert is burn free)
Cooko: Phew! Now that was a close one! I don't know what kinda hocus pocus bullshit that was, but I can deal with it once I show everyone the Food Colony's biggest souffle!
(suddenly, the souffle deflates. cooko stares at the now flat pastry, emotionless)
Cooko: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(later, snacko, choco and grillo are seated in the waiting room of a hospital. choco looks around)
Choco: Aw geez, I know that all our clocks have gone outta whack, but I didn't know someone got hurt because of it!
Grillo: Me either! But Cooko insisted on us coming here! Must wanna keep it a secret! You don't think it was Dutchoveno, do you?
(a pair of doors open up and a gurney is pushed out by confectiono. something is on top of it, covered by a white cloth. snacko looks up hopefully.)
Snacko: Any luck?
(confectiono looks at him and shakes her head. choco looks at the two lords, slowly smiling)
Choco: So was it her? Did she get blown up by a pressure cooker?!
(a fat woman enters the hospital from behind the lords)
Dutchoveno: WHERE THE HELL IS COOKO?! THE CLOCK ON OUR TV IS OUT OF WHACK AND I DONT KNOW IF MY SOAP OPERAS HAVE STARTED YET!
(as choco sighs in disappointment, the door confectiono came from open again, a crying cooko stepping out)
Cooko: It was perfect...everything was going by the book, how could this happen?! My souffle is RUINED!
(he grabs the white cloth and yanks it off, revealing the deflated souffle. grillo tries to console him with a stick of meat)
Grillo: Beef jerky?
Oh what do you know, Grillo?! All you do is baptize meat in sauce and throw it on a fire! You don't know shit about baking! AND GET YOUR MEAT OUT OF MY FACE!
(choco takes a chunk of the souffle and has a bite. he nods his head approvingly)
Choco: Hey, this is pretty good! So what if the souffle looks like a deflated balloon?
Cooko: Choco, the name of the dish is souffle, based off the french word for puffing up. If there's no puff, then it's not a souffle anymore! It's a quiche!
Choco: They're both french, I don't see the problem here! And why the hell are we meeting in a hospital if nobody died?
Cooko: I was hoping Confectiono and I could revive the souffle, but it was no use.
Confectiono: We did the best we could, Cooko. Only thing that could save that dish is an air pump.
Dutchoveno: OKAY LETS FORGET ABOUT THE FLOPPY DESSERT AND FOCUS ON MY PROBLEMS! HOW CAN I MAKE IT TO MY SOAPS IF I DONT KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?!
Cooko: Look, honey...we'll get this figured out, but I need to prioritize here.
Choco: Yeah, we have bigger fish to fry! Like whose idea it was to mess up our clocks!
Cooko: I think it's pretty obvious who, Choco. It was those assholes in the Time Colony! This is obviously the first step in a scheme to take our land! And my legacy got caught in the crossfire!
(grillo crosses his arms)
Grillo: That does it, it's war time! I say we grab some watermelon warriors, some pretzel paladins, and we take those clocks out, aztec style! We slice their hearts out and put 'em on a grill!
Choco: I am NOT eating hearts! Unless they're chocolate hearts, then I'd be in! We could set up a chocolate fountain and dip them in the chocolate!
Cooko: No one is eating any one's hearts, chocolate-covered or otherwise! I'm calling in a colony meeting!
...
(meanwhile in the time colony, young ageo is sitting with speedo in the council room, excited)
Young Ageo: i bet those food colonists are shaking in their boots right now! oh golly oh geez, why isnt my clock working?! how will i time my meals now?
Speedo: Hahathat'ssotrueageo!Thisideaofyourswasagreatone!
Young Ageo: you know it! all we had to do was use our powers to set every clock in the food colony out of whack! now its only a matter of time before we get an offer from them! im thinking...in exchange for your clocks back, you give yours truly a nice slice of turf!
Speedo: AndthenIcanopenSpeedo'sracewayandruntomyheartscontentinsteadofrunninginthatgianthamsterwheel!
(the council doors open and momento walks in)
Momento: There you two absolute legends are! That was a hilarious trick you pulled off!
Young Ageo: n-no idea what you're talking about! do you know what's going on, speedo?
Speedo: Notaclue!AndI'dknowbecausenobodyunderstandswhatI'mtalkingaboutmostofthetime!
Momento: You guys aren't in trouble, promise! I just wanted to thank you two for helping me capture this great moment!
(momento summons one of his camera drones and it begins projecting a video of cooko crying over his souffle. he hugs the dish)
Cooko: MY PRECIOUS SWEET SOUFFLE, WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO YOUUUUUU
Speedo: Hahalookatthatnerdcryingoverbakedgoods!
Young Ageo: glad you enjoyed it, momento! for obvious reason though, could you keep this under wraps?
Momento: Sure! I'll just keep it in my personal collection for now. So what's the endgame?
Young Ageo: we're just waiting for cooko to send us a ransom offer!
Momento: You're waiting for him to make the offer? He probably doesn't even know who did it! You guys gotta make the offer yourselves! I've watched enough movies to know how this goes down!
Young Ageo: don't the good guys kill the ransomers in the end?
Momento: Not in the movies I watch! The bad guys always win when it's a CCTV movie!
(ageo and speedo look at each other)
Speedo: somethingtellsmethosewerentmovies...
...
(back in the food colony, the food lords are having a meeting in an empty posh restaurant. confectiono addresses the group)
Confectiono: In front of you all are dossier on all the info we have regarding the Time Lords. If we're gonna get payback, we need to know who we're dealing with!
(cooko sniffs the air)
Cooko: Why do I smell almonds?
Cooko: Oh yeah, I also made the dossier out of marzipan!
(snacko takes a bite out of his papers)
Mmm, marzipan!
Cooko: Yeah, just try not to eat the whole thing until after we're done, Snacko. Now, who's first on the list?
Clocko: First up is Clocko. He's the big cheese of the Time Colony! He's never been war-oriented, he even spoke out against the Great Colony War itself.
Cooko: Until now, when he committed this act of terror on us!
Confectiono: Cooko, I don't think that Clocko gave the go-ahead . I think one of the other Time Lords is behind this...
(suddenly, a camera drone crashed through the window of the restaurant and stopped at the gods' table. it began to glow and projected a holographic image of young ageo sitting on a throne too big for him)
Young Ageo: hey hey, food dork! it's me, ageo!
Cooko: Ageo! You little shit! You were behind this?!
Young Ageo: it was a team effort, but yeah i came up with the whole plan and everything!
Choco: Do you know how many recipes you ruined with that stunt of yours?!
Young Ageo: nope, but i know how important time is for you! and that you'll do anything to get it back! and i'll give it back, but in exchange, i want a slice of your food colony pie!
(someone can be heard talking in the background on ageo's end)
Young Ageo: oh, and throw in some crates of your food colony pie!
Cooko: How about a counter offer? You give me back my clocks and I don't sautee you!
Young Ageo: what're you gonna do, old man?
(cooko stands up, struggling to hide his anger)
Cooko: I wasn't born on a fucking turnip truck, and I was not born at night. I was born on a bright, sunny day! And your days are gonna get a lot colder if you don't give us back our clocks, you brat!
(ageo was playing with a yoyo while cooko was speaking)
Young Ageo: words, words, words! i thought you were cooko, not speecho!
(speedo comes into frame on the hologram)
Speedo: Haha,lookatcookoandhisimpotentrage!
Cooko: Oh shut up, you motor-mouthed toadie! Why don't you sit on a pecan log?! You too, Momento, I recognize this stupid camera of yours! All three of you...
(as cooko rants and rages, ageo look at his fellow lords)
Young Ageo: hey, know what would be funny? what if we just ended this transmission while he's still talking?
(the other two time lords laugh and nod in agreement. as cooko is talking, the hologram disappears and momento's camera drone flies out of the store)
Cooko: Get back here! I wasn't finished with you! That little fuck has no respect!
Choco: So what do we do now?
(dutchoveno finishes a box of chocolates and burps)
Dutchoveno: WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS GET ME SOME MORE CHOCOLATE! THIS WHOLE MESS HAS ME STRESS EATING! HOW WILL I KNOW IF JAIME AND STELLA WILL GET TOGETHER?! CHOCO, GET ME SOME CHOCOLATE!
Choco: Can we focus on the situation at hand instead of filling your belly?!
Dutchoveno: YOU CANT SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT! COOKO, LISTEN TO HOW HES SPEAKING TO ME!
Cooko: He has a point, we should be figuring out how--
Dutchoveno: COOKO!
(cooko slightly flinches at her voice and turns to choco)
Cooko: Choco...
Choco: Why the hell do we let her come to these meetings?! All she does is eat all the refreshments and give us headaches! As if thousands of colonists asking where their clocks isn't stressful enough!
Confectiono: Alright, guys, we need to calm down here! Freaking out and arguing is exactly what Ageo wants! Now, everyone turn to page four of the dossier. Ageo is one of the more outspoken Time Lords.
(snacko raises his hand, white crumbs around his mouth)
Snacko: Confectiono, can I have another copy of pages 4 through 6?
(cooko sighs and pushes his dossier between the two of them so they can read)
Confectiono: Ageo is a Lord split into two beings. An older, seasoned marshal of the Time Colony, and a younger version of himself he recruited. While the older Ageo is a valuable asset to the colony, his pet project has a long way to go before he matures. And this gambit of his proves it.
Grillo: Figures. If the Time Colony wanted land so much, why wouldn't they just gather up their platoons and invade is?
Confectiono: Exactly! Which adds to my theory that Young Ageo is acting independent of Clocko or his older self.
Choco: So let's just go over there, talk to Clocko and make that pint-sized runt fix things!
Cooko: We COULD go in and talk, or we can take this chance to show the other colonies that they can't push us around!
Choco: Or, and hear me out here, Cooko, we could explain the situation and get things straightened out without a fight!
Cooko: But revenge is a dish best served cold, and I want to knock Ageo down a few pegs!
Grillo: And how do you wanna do that?
(cooko flips a page and points at something on it)
Cooko: We hit the Time Colony where it hurts! And it'll all be Ageo's fault! Confectiono, I'm gonna need some flour, and a lot of it!
...
(back in the time colony, ageo, speedo and momento are relaxing around the table, leisurely awaiting cooko's compliance with their demands)
Speedo: SoAgeo,whendowegetourfreeland?We'recuttingthingscloserightnow...
Young Ageo: very very soon, speedo! we'll get things settled before the others come back!
(suddenly, a portal opens in the middle of the room. old ageo's face is inside of it. young ageo springs to attention, getting on one knee)
Old Ageo: Past, it has been a while since we have spoken.
Young Ageo: y-you said it, older me! I-I mean Future!
Old Ageo: I trust things are going well? You and the other Lords are securing the Colony while Clocko, Exacto and I are defending against the Sex Colony?
Speedo: Absolutelyageo!Weareholdingthingsdowninthecolony!
Old Ageo: Very good. The defense has been sucessful, the Sex Colony's offensive breaking against our shield.
(cucko can be heard yelling in the background)
Cucko: OH MY ROD! THEY TOOK AMANDA! THOSE TIME COLONISTS CAPTURED MY BELOVED WIFE! NOW SHE'LL BE STUCK IN THEIR TIME DUNGEONS, BEING SEXUALLY DEFILED BY THOSE INSIDIOUS GUARDS!
Amanda: Cucko, I'm okay! Let's get out of here!
Cucko: Oh come on! You had one job, Amanda! I put a camera and a wire on you for rod's sake! I've been edging all day imagining you getting your clock cleaned by those time colonists!
Old Ageo: We should be back by tomorrow morning.
Young Ageo: tomorrow morning?! That's...great! I can't wait!
Old Ageo: Yes, it will be good returning to the halls of the Time Colony. Trench warfare is not befitting of a Time Lord. We shall speak again soon. Farewell.
(the portal closed and speedo begins panicking)
Speedo: Ohcrapohcrapohcrap!We'reinforitnow!IftheycomebackandtheFoodLordsexplainthingswe'llbeinbigtrouble!
Young Ageo: get a grip, speedo! all we need to do is fortify the colony's entrances. if anybody asks, the food colony said that they were joining the great colony war and wanted our land!
(momento gets up all of a sudden, the big arm on his clocko spinning wildly)
Momento: Fellas, we have a problem here.
(momento summons one of his cameras and it projects a holograpic image. the food lords are gathered outside, packing a cart with a large mixing bowl with a beige mass inside of it)
Cooko: Okay, Operation: Dessert Storm is about to go underway! But before we start, let's go over the line-up. Grillo, you're the muscle/general man-handler. Snacko, you're moral support/cannon fodder. Confectiono, you're second in command! I need you to make sure Snacko doesn't screw the pooch or Grillo tries to stir-fry anybody's hearts.
(cooko puts a hand on choco's shoulder)
Cooko: Choco, I need you here producing chocolate and making sure no one freaks out.
Choco: I can be useful somewhere on the mission roster, right? Right?! Please don't make me stay with her, man...
Dutchoveno: CHOOOOOOCO! WHERE IS MY 5 POUND BAG OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES?!
Cooko: I need you to make sure my wife doesn't do anything drastic. Just keep getting her chocolate. Alright, team, let's get going!
(as the four lords begin their journey and choco pinches his forehead, ageo' facade falters)
Young Ageo: they're coming over here for a fight, huh?
(speedo grabs ageo's shoulders and shakes him at super speed)
Speedo: Thiswasn'tpartoftheplanageo!theyweresupposedtogiveusthelandeasypeasy!nowwehaveafightonourhands!
(ageo takes his arms and pushes them off himself)
Young Ageo: this works in our favor, speedo! look at them, then look at us! now we get to detain not one, not two, but four food lords! then we can force them to accept our offer in person before the others get back!
Speedo: Justustwoagainstthosefour?
Young Ageo: no way! we have momento!
Momento: But I'm just the pictures guy!
Young Ageo: and now you're covering a war! come on, you two! Time to put together a team of our own!
...
(cooko, snacko, confectiono and grillo are walking through a forest trail at night. snacko is farther out ahead from everyone else)
Grillo: Why is he so far ahead, again?
Cooko: You thought I was kidding with his role? If those time fucks try to attack us, he'll be our canary in the mine!
(a shiny object flies through the air and hits cooko from behind, knocking him down)
Cooko: Ow, dammit! I had everything planned out!
(confectiono picked up the objected, revealed to be a clock gear)
Confectiono: A gear?
(the shiny object flew out of her hand and back in the opposite direction, stopping right next to young ageo. the time lord is standing with speedo and momento)
Young Ageo: wow, you look a lot weirder in person, cooko. doesn't he, guys?
Momento: Yeah! He looks like an extra on Sesame Street!
Cooko: You're one to talk, you trio of walking clocks!
Young Ageo: yeah well, this trio of walking clocks is about to make off with a nice chunk of your land! i think some time in the dungeons will change your tone!
Cooko: Only thing you're catching is a beating! And considering that we're both the leaders of our respective teams, I think it's only fair that I be the one to tenderize your face!
(ageo's gear floated in front of him now, more gears appearing in a blue flash of light and connecting to each other. soon, ageo is surrounded by a mech made of cogs, gears and other clock pieces. cooko gulps)
Cooko: Today is not my day...
(ageo cocks back his mechanized fist and lets it loose at cooko. grillo steps forward and catches the fist with both hands before it hits him)
Grillo: You picked the wrong day to face me! I spent all day lifting this cow so I could flash fry--
(speedo uses his super-speed and punches grillo in the stomach going 40 mph. the food lord is knocked off his feet and knocked into a tree. confectiono reaches into her pocket and throws four jawbreakers at speedo from behind. he turns around at the last second and reactivates his super speed, catching them and juggling them)
Speedo: Hahaha!Pleasetellmeyou'regettingthisMomento!
(one of momento's camera drones circles around speedo, snapping photos)
Momento: You bet I'm recording it!
(an angry grillo charge at speedo from behind. speedo tossed the four candies high into the air and ducked under a right hook. he countered by turning around and unleashing a flurry of super fast punches into his midsection. when grillo swiped at him again, speedo zoomed behind him and did the same to his back.)
Momento: This is awesome! This is going into the Time Archives and WorldStar!
(confectiono watched momento summon more cameras to get different angles and slowly backed away towards the cart. cooko was being chased by a laughing ageo in his mech.)
Cooko: Snacko, help me out here!
(the other food lord was still running over because he was so far ahead)
Snacko: On it!
(ageo reached forward and grabbed cooko, holding him up)
Young Ageo: gotcha, you ladel!
Snacko: Cooko!
(snacko held his hands up into the air and created a yellow globby orb. he throws it in arc and hits ageo with it. the young time lord yelps as he is covered in the stuff)
Young Ageo: Ew! Is this...butter?!
(as ageo attempts to grip his controls, he realizes that his hands are too slippery to use them. snacko creates another blob and lobs it at cooko)
Snacko: Your turn, Cooko!
(cooko yelps as he's covered in butter)
Cooko: Ah, gross!
(although uncomfortable, cooko was able to squeeze himself out of the mech's grasp and stand on top of its hand. summoning a tenderizer, cooko walked along the mech's arm towards the cockpit.
Cooko: Gonna smash you like an alarm clock!
(young ageo frantically fires gears at cooko, who materializes a pot cover to block the incoming attacks)
Young Ageo: get away from me, you sentient utensil!
(speedo turns around and sees ageo in trouble.)
Speedo: comingageothisfatloserwontquit!
(speedo bends down and launches grillo into the air with a series of rapid kicks, ending with a slam into the ground.)
Speedo: wellwhatdoyouhavetosaytothat?
(Grillo gets up from the ground and simply raises his apron and shirt, revealing a large slab of meat that looks very tenderized)
Grillo: Confectiono, you're a genius! Now he's all tired out and I got my dinner pre-tenderized!
(grillo lowers his mask to his face and rears his head back, wisps of fire appearing. he then releases a massive wave of fire from his mouth. speedo is put on the defensive as he runs out of the attack's range)
Speedo: Nicetrybutyougottatryharderthanthat!
(grillo roars and spits fireballs at momento, then summons a large two-pronged fork in his hands. speedo avoids the fireballs, which explode on the ground and leave a patch of flames. however, as he dodges a swipe from grillo's fork, he runs right through a patch, setting him ablaze.)
Speedo: AAAAHHHHITBURNSITBURNSITBURNS!
Young Ageo: stop, drop and roll, speedo!
(the frantic time lord flees the battlefield in search of a body of water. as he retreats into the trees, a bright trail of fire follows him and spreads to bushes, trees and other foilage)
Young Ageo: speedo, stop! you're spreaing the fire!
(animals burst out of the forest, a wildfire starting)
Momento: Aw geez, I had a nature watch planned out!
Cooko: I'd worry about yourselves!
(cooko raises his tenderizer at ageo, who presses a button on his dashboard. the young lord is sent rocketing into the air via an ejection seat. while in the air, he aims his hands below and the mech begins dismantling itself. cooko falls to the ground and watched as it changed forms and became a buzzsaw. it beings spinning rapidly, kicking up dirt and gaining every lord's attention)
Snacko: That thing's gonna tear through us like a hot knife through butter!
Young Ageo: Now you're in for it!
Momento: Hold on, Ageo! I'm in the crossfire!
(just as ageo is about to send the buzzsaw on a warpath, an high-pitched alarm began to blare, interrupting the battle)
Young Ageo: the time colony emergency alarm? wonderful time, really! momento?
(momento is busy filming the wildfire speedo caused)
Young Ageo: MOMENTO!
Momento: Sorry, I couldn't let this footage go to waste!
(one of momento's cameras floated up above the center of the battlefield and projected a holographic image of the time colony. time colonists were leaving their homes and filling the streets. a crowd was gathering around a tall building with a clock at the top. four yellow thick, fluffy walls blocked each side of the building. the walls looked meters thick. young ageo's clock hands spun rapidly)
Momento: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that the Time Archives has been walled up by...is that bread?
(cooko rose to his feet confidently)
Snacko: Not just any bread, cornbread!
Young Ageo: wait...WHAT?! that's exactly what it looks like! how the hell did you pull that off?! momento, where the's candy girl?!
Momento: I...have no idea! I was recording speedo beating grillo like a drum!
(confectiono walks past a shocked young ageo, holding a large silver cannon. she walks back to her teammates, who have gathered together)
Cooko: You really thought that my ultimate endgame was to waste time with you in a fist fight? I am WAY too smart for that! So I decided to hit you time fools where it hurts! you made it impossible for us to conduct business, so let's see you manage things when you can't even get into your precious archive! Unless...you want to renegotiate?
Young Ageo: this can't be happening...this can't be happening! l-look, cooko, i think i've had a change of heart!
(the buzzsaw stopped spinning and the gears converted into a machine of sorts with a large pole pointing into the night sky. the tip of the pole began to glow blue and a beam of light exuded from the pole in the direction of the food colony.
Young Ageo: see that? i just restored time in your colony. you can cook properly again! now please, undo that corn wall!
(cooko summons a metal spoon and tosses it at young ageo's feet)
Cooko: I have no idea how you clock people actually eat, but bon appetite!
(confectiono reaches into her lab coat and pulled out a rainbow colored smoke bomb. slamming it on the ground, the food lords were consumed by a plume of pink smoke. young ageo fell to his knees)
Young Ageo: we...are so screwed! Ageo is going to kill us!
Momento: We?! L-look, I was just the cameraman in all this!
(as young ageo and momento stand admist the chaos of the burning forest, speedo zooms past them, still on fire)
Speedo: WHERETHEHELLCANIFINDALAKEORSOMETHING?!