The Protectors of the Canonical Worlds/Main Story/EP0/CH1

<tabber>Intro=
(Read Chapter 0 if you haven't already. It's right here.
(If I get something about the fanfic or the triverse wrong, you can say so, Butterfly! Then I'll just fix the story!)
(Remember to read the tabs in the order they appear.)
The way to reach the world was quite simple, at least for agents like them. The same console that beeped for the mission also had a portal to the portal network, containing a portal to each and every canonical continuity. All they had to do was enter the right one, and they'd be right where they needed to be!
So, our agents found themselves in.. Paletumque?
Deric:No, no, NO! This doesn't even make any sense! How could we have ended up HERE?
Deric:Is Avia here? She BETTER be here, so that we can say SHE brought us here to kill Legumen, to bring order back! We can't cross planes on our own!!
Celia:..Maybe not naturally, but remember, we fought the war, didn't we? Maybe we still have abilties from them! Anyways, we should probably get prepared to gather our charge list. The fic's about to start.
|-|A Blatant Sue=
Hi my name is Legumen Gently Pumpkin Sue Rainbow!!1! I am a glorious boi with huge wings for ears and rainbow underbelly and flying beans!
Celia:Well, it couldn't get more blatant of a Sue than that. I don't even NEED to analyze Legumen!
I used to be a boring boi, but I changed one day!!!
Deric:Yes, you surely did. You changed from annoying, to being a Sue who's warping the very fabric of canon.
I was just looking to visit the Ancientz, but then I came across an amazing place called the Meloon Saloon. Of course I went there, to buy some gradual watermelon. I was given the best of biggest slice of gradual watermelon, because I am awesome!
Over at the Meloon Saloon, a slice the size of the table came into being. (The World's largest watermelon is 268 pounds.) "The Ancientz" also popped into existence, confusing the people around the area.
But then I accidently killed somebody. There was a ball in the sink and I liked it, but they took the ball out of the sink so I kill them!
The Mary Sue took a generic plant formation, and strangled the bit character.
Deric:...They forgot to specify HOW, didn't they?
Celia:At least the world had enough information to fill in the gaps..
So Adolebitque proposed to me, and I was guilty so I said "I am guilty, you do not want." But then everybody wanted to arrest me, so I said "I am not guilty." and everyone believed me!
The Sue's influence spread across the dimension, magically charming the gods, and getting them out-of-character. The agents' presence also called things into question.
Celia:What? Don't mind us, we're just interdimensional explorers! Wow, for a world of gods, this place is quite boring!
Deric:Well, we're not through just yet, anyways...
Then we all wrote a song about me, but then my abusive dada Eclipse came. I screamed "Eclipse came to me with a voice. "Be angry and stand there!""
Deric:Wait. You screamed up the narration in the story? Speaking the narration is a charge.. *jots down that*
Celia took out her analysis device, and pointed it at Eclipse.
Eclipse, God of Wildlife and Agriculture. Canon. 12% in character. CHARACTER BREAKDOWN!
Celia:..How could they have gotten Eclipse completely wrong?
Deric:Oh, come on-The author obviously hated Eclipse, so they made Eclipse look bad! Besides, if canon was intact, we wouldn't be here. At least now we have another charge. And another case of Sueness.
So we ripped out Eclipse's organs, painted them green, and turned them into a sign outside that listed all of my attributes, none of which were bad.
Celia:Alright, killing Eclipse without the Immortalkiller, that's a charge.. There's being blatant about being a Sue again..
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The Fading of Canon
S OOOO I was walking around, when I saw sum very supicious folk. A edgy tigger and a guy in a cloak.
Celia:Oh my goodness, no!! Screentime is ONE PERSON!!! Two faces, one person!
Deric:Legumen's believed in weirder stuff. But since it was written as two distinct people, rather than what LOOKED like two people, this happened. Now Screentime is a shared name of this group.
Celia:Really? Look, I know the author's trying to remain faithful to Legumen's point of view here, since she's the narrator, but this is just going overboard. It's like Legumen herself wrote it.
Deric:Oh, please, let's not jump to conclusions. Clearly, we have a Legumen fangirl. Either way, you're right, it deserves a charge.
I let out an anime gasp, and stated "What are you doing? aRE YOU THE ONE WHO SAVED ME--"
Celia:Throw. The. CHEESE!!
Deric:Not yet!!
F i y a h wrapped around my muzzle. "YOU WILL ONLY SING Q U I E T L Y." hissed the tigger.
Celia:Okay, his tail doesn't talk.
Deric:For all intents and purposes, the tiger is an OC.
Then the cloaked guy explained what was happened in a very complex and detailed way.
Deric and Celia:Show, don't tell.
"We came here to kill you"
Celia:Unless you're absolutely terrible at showing.
So yeah, they ATTACKETH me! I almost DIE! But then, leaping in came my L O A F... ADOLEBITQUE!
And as those words came into effect, Adolebitque turned into a loaf of bread!
Deric:..They really need to learn to spell.
He shredded up the tigger and the cloaked guy (who were Screentime) and they bled out their guts on the floor.
Celia:Giving another god below the primordials the ability to kill gods without the Immortalkiller.. That's a charge.
And then we had a beautiful wedding, and my good friends Existential Taylor, the turtle in the world, and the guy who stole my lunch.
Deric:You guys had a wedding without anyone even proposing?
Celia:They did propose! Remember before? But.. They're SILBLINGS!! They don't marry each other at all! This entire wedding is implausible!
Deric:You're right. We'll add it to the charge list.
We all sang my favorite emo song, Death of Diarrhea.
Celia:..Adolebitque wouldn't sing that song. *scans Adolebitque with the analysis device*
[Adolebitque, God of Land animals. 25% in-character.]
Deric:They just can't get anything right, can they?
|-|Suefluence=
Also known as The Sue's True Love Follower
After the wedding was over, everyone left, headed back to their place. Adolebitque, however, was quite.. interested in something..
Adolebitque:Wait.. You have CHEESE?! That should be BANNED!! Legumen The Legend HATES cheese, and you bring that over?
Adolebitque summoned up mice, to eat up all the agents' cheese.
Deric:Aw, come on!
Adolebitque:Why, I oughta-
Celia, however, remembered that those affected by the Suefluence, well.. Lose a lot of their intellegence..
Celia:Wait! This must have been a misunderstanding. Did you think I was going to have Gerald throw the cheese at Legumen? What monster could POSSIBLY do that? No! He was going to throw it.. IN THE FIRE!! After all, we can't let it stand by idly, just to be used for evil!! We have to BURN IT!!! For all to see! 
Adolebitque:..Oh! Well.. Sorry, I kind of.. Got a bit defensive there. You understand, right? But don't worry, I'm fine now. You can go do your thing. But.. if I see you try to lay a FINGER on my dear Legumen.. you'll regret it for the REST of your LIVES. Good day! See you again soon! *leaves*
Celia:That was the most out-of character I've ever seen Adolebitque be.
Deric:That's the point, that's what we're supposed to be fixing! This is exactly why we need to stop that Sue-phantom!
Celia:Well.. At least we solved the problem with Adolebitque..
Deric:For now we're safe, but now what are we supposed to do? We don't have our cheese, and Adolebitque's onto us!
|-|Spacetime Warping=
Wrong Time Period
Celia:Wait, how did he even figure it out? He didn't come in until after I said the line! He shouldn't have heard that! Was he just standing there the whole time?
Deric:If you're close to a Sue, sometimes the fic gives you special treatment.
Adolebitque (distant):What do YOU think about this, dear?
Legumen (distant):Know what? I'm-a go watch some anime.
Deric:Oh, come on.
So I was listuning to quartz rocks, anime, cristemois diasomia dibesi, and compressed diabetic watermelon. Then I decided to visit the internet, and check out my good friend Adipiscing's blog post. Then I saw a Craigslist ad, and I clicked it.
Celia and Deric's forms quickly aged forward, leveling up, while also quickly feeling he effects of Potions of Youth (Their only way of not dying of old age.)
Deric:Yes! I'm level 36!
Celia:Oh, come on.. It's the present-day now? If I knew the fic was going to happen then, I would have chosen to be an elf! But now we're humans living far longer than we should have!! I hope WE'RE not Sues!!
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Bad Geography
Suddenly hoards upon hoards of HALCANOPENERIANS broke into my house and knocked me out with cake cut near the heart cry.
Deric:So she's weak to cake now?
Celia:Clearly, she just took the hit so she could get saved by someone else.
Deric:..Right, I forgot about that one.
I woke up in the sun, which was a code name for the evil evil hotel.
Celia:So... the Sun Hotel? The Sunshine Hotel? The Sunshine Institute?
Deric:Oh, come on..
Then, appearing right in front of me came... TICKER! And he was wearing clothing made of DEAD KIRBY CHARACTURS!
Celia:Is this even Ticker at all?!
AND THERE WAS A POSTER IN THE BACKGROUND, AND WRITTEN ON IT WAS "FEAST OF LIFE!" ALSO ATROPA WAS THERE TO REMOVE MY ORGANS WITH A HACKSAW AND TURN THEM INTO CUPCAKES.
Celia:Okay, are they ruining canon ON PURPOSE or something?
Deric:You know, I actually haven't thought of that! It very well could be trollfic! Even still, it's been done badly, and it caused all of this.
Ticker grabbed his pink sparkly knife and cut into my flesh, he stole my pancreas but in the morning about self-defense, so sitting in my hotel I threw the iceberg at Ticker.
Celia scanned Ticker with her device.
Ticker. Canon/noncanon/canon/noncanon 0/0 blueberry pie *the device explodes*
Celia:Wait, it EXPLODED?!
Deric:The thing can't even tell if Ticker's a canon character anymore!! They didn't just change the canon, they flat-out replaced it!! That's going RIGHT on the list!!
Celia:Well, now I can't even use the device anymore!! NOW how am I supposed to find out how in-character everyone is?
Deric:..We can't. But hey, at least my device still works, so we can find out how in-canon the world is!
Blood and organs spilled from his face, and then he flew off. I left the dungeon and kissed Adolebitque, and Adipiscing went to me asking for forgiveness. I told her that her blog wasn't responsible.
Celia:Wait, you're telling me that ad was actually RESPONSIBLE for all of this? Craig's List in on Earth, and we're in Paletumque! They wouldn't even be able to REACH it! Add it to the list!!
Deric:And there's making Ticker so weak that one iceberg does THAT much damage!! I'm adding another charge!!
|-|Distorted Timeline=
So I was visitung Egypt to do charity work, because you know, I am perfect and awesome and totally not a hypocrite.
Deric and Celia both go back down to their original levels, and de-age back to their original disguised forms.
Deric:It's SO great we're dimensional travelers now. Wait, where'd my levels go?
Celia:We're back in the ancient times again.
So I was sittin in my house, when I suddenly got a letter.
Deric and Celia age once again, and jump back up to 36 again.
Celia:Wait. Wasn't she visiting Egypt?
Deric:The author must have made two of the same chapter, so the world doesn't know which came first! And because of that, it thinks BOTH are happening at the same time!!
Celia:Oh my goodness.. Why can't they get a beta reader, or at LEAST check over their fanfic?!
Deric:I have NO idea. This world really needs a fanfiction university.
That triggered me to cheer "WE JUST GOT A LETTER, WE JUST GOT A LETTER, WE JUST GOT A LETTER, I WONDER WHO IT'S FROM" before opening it.
Celia:This is why nobody likes you, Legumen..
Deric:At least she's acting in-character for once! ..I think. Is she?
Celia:I don't know, and I can't check, because my device decided to BLOW UP!!!
It was an invitation to Airius' wedding. He was getting married to Amore! That was unfortunate, as Amore was a bad bride!
Celia:Amore is literally the god of LOVE. Getting married to her is a BLESSING!
Deric:That's true, but remember:Legumen HATES Amore! This is actually accurate from her perspective, there's no problem here.
But then I realized they were worshipping... A SITH LORD! So I stole all their spoons, causing a spoon shortage, electricity, and poisoned flowers. Most of them died, and then I killed their spirits.
The agents de-age again.
Celia:..Why are we even doing this?
Deric:We DEFINITELY should have been elves.
Celia:Also, how'd the poison flowers show up from the spoon shortage? And Egypt didn't even USE electricity!
Deric:I'm charging them again..
But don't worry, they all went to the Love Dimension after that, which is a heavenly paradise, so I'm not a hypocrite!
Celia:..What does that have ANYTHING to do with hypocrisy?
Deric:I have NO idea.
Meanwhile, at the wedding, Airius and his stupid girlfriend Amore were having a good time.
And, as you probably know by now, the agents aged.
Deric:Wow! Somehow, the author predicted this would happen, and put a nice "Meanwhile" to smooth the transition! 
Celia:There's no way that this is what happened. We just got lucky. 
"The wavy bride, this is a beautiful wedding!" Panthes, the priest, chirped. Then, I muttered "Well, yes but I'm offended. Unfortunately, the bad bride is a big beach." Everybody gasped, with Airius crying out "The language!"
Celia:EVERYBODY heard you MUTTERING? How loud are you?
Everyone gasped again.
Deric:It's not how loud she was muttering, it's how good they became at hearing. Haven't you learned?
But then, Ticker, who was the lord of sith lords, realized, and grew angry. He chased me across all countries, trying to kill me, but all the kings in America said I could stay there, so I did!
The agents, you guessed it, de-aged.
Celia:..At no point in time was America filled with kings.
Deric:Did they think that when America was a colony, a king ruled over there? The kings were still all the way in Europe, though they did rule OVER America.
Ticker:You know what? That's a great idea.. I'LL KILL ALL THE KINGS OF AMERICA, AND ADD THEM TO MY CLOTHING!!
Tinker then began chasing Ticker.
Suddenly, Adolebitque burned down the door, and began hitting Airius over the head with his hammer.
Celia:He wouldn't do that..
Deric:He's affected by the Sue, of course he's doing that.
"Have you ever heard of the Teeth? No?" I teased. The Teeth was the name of Adolebitque's hammer. I saw Ticker though, but he was running himself. I was going to pulzervize him with my blaster gasters, but he screamed "Not now, a triverse maker is looking to kill me!"
Celia:It's called Gaster Blasters. Look what you just made! *Several Gasters show up, and they're all looking to blast*
I began tossing many eggs at Airius and Amore, as everybody else attending the wedding began to clap and cheer me on.
Celia:Didn't they all gasp before?
Deric:Amazing how swiftly a Sue can get what she wants..
Suddenly, Tinker and Fantasize appeared. Tinker blasted him many times, and Fantasize unsheathed her katana. But they were too weak to stop in, so I kill stealed for them!
Deric:Having Legumen be more powerful than Tinker. *adds to charge list*
Celia:Tinker was ALREADY THERE before he appeared! Ticker made that very clear!
Deric:They probably chased each other via teleportation.. That's what we've been having to do for a while, after all.
Deric:
I soon solved the problem of Amore and Airius' wedding by decapitating them with some sharp sciences equipment. I soon nailed them off in a main building in Ohio, and we never saw them again.
The agents.. age again.
Celia:This story really can't get its time straight!
They de-age again.
Deric:*heavy breathing* Well, they can't even get their chapters right! I'm not suprised! (Do you know how many times they've had to use portals to change their location to fit the fic? They might be getting a little worn out!)
Adolebitque and Adipiscing then appeared, and they clapped! Glad to have so many supporters!
Celia:And of COURSE they'd know EXACTLY where and when to show up, despite not being there to know a thing about this..
|-|More Disaster=
Wrong Order
As Legumen returned to Paletumque, the agents had to portal there once again.
Deric:Just HOW many times is this going to keep happening?
Celia:Many, MANY times, I'd say.
Legumen returned to her house. She was just in a wedding, so.. Why not go out with Adolebitque?
So I was writing down some poetry to give to Adolebitque doing our awesome date.
Celia:You're JUST NOW dating?! You're MARRIED, and JUST now you date? That's the wrong order! You don't marry someone you've never even DATED before!
Deric:You also don't marry your OWN BROTHER. Besides, she never said it was her first! Why it wasn't a honeymoon, the world will never know..
"The tree of the more boyfriends, in the trails that I go. Friends and my friends in the grass, drink ye rapidly, and then slow. Come and start talking to me? I consider you one time. Take my hand, stopped. Composer Airbnb for free. I begin to dance, and I want to sing!
Celia:That was the worst poem I've ever seen. But of course, Adolebitque will LOVE it, because Sues always succeed.
P.S. As a virgin, you and I know that I wanna love you."
Celia:You already DO, you got MARRIED!!!
Deric:I'm not sure she meant what you're thinking of..
But then, a scary dove appeared, and said "Now, now, follow me. Do not worry about the demon." I was so nice that I trusted her, so she led me to the back of her car, and began telling me many things. "Son, we speak many words. My loins and gave me. Now, now follow me. Now, now follow me."
Celia:She trusted Amore? After she made it very clear Amore was a bad bride? This is AFTER the death of La Manie, right? Why would she even DO this?
Deric:..For the giggles? I'm really not sure. Probably just to show how nice she is, like many good 'ol Sues would do.
She then drove into a lovely club called Shapes. I offered to pay, and she said I could, so I pushed and pulled with the work of change. However, as soon as I got in, I felt my conscience pressing rain, but I was in love with the place's system so I was fine with it. The bouncer asked me if I truly deserved to get in, but the dove covered for me by saying "Yesterday she was in my class, now my linens, such as spices!" The bouncer happily let me in!
Celia:Amore's a Sue TOO?
Deric:I wouldn't be surprised. But it's probably just successful because Legumen wants it to be.
Celia:Well, I'll check right now! *takes out her device, only to see it's busted*
Celia:..Wait, I can't use it, it exploded!! Why did it even have to explode, anyway?! Couldn't it have just displayed an error message or something?
The Destruction of Canon
The club let me discover many new railways, so many it made me say "Oh me oh my oh me oh my!" I liked the club so much I enthusiastically shouted "I like Shapes!"
Celia:Yep, Amore is definitely a Sue.
Deric:Or the story decided it wanted Legumen to mess up somewhere so it can claim Legumen is not a Sue! "What, YOO THINK SHE'S SUE? LOOK, SHE MADE A MISTAK!! She flaw TOO! She's NOT A SUE!!1 Just awesome!!"
Celia (laughing):You're probably right.
I liked Shapes so much that in my first visit, I stayed paid to stay there for a week.
Deric:It's just paid! Not "stayed paid"!
Celia:Hmm.. What exactly IS this club anyways?
Deric:I don't actually know. And we're not going to go find out-They probably wouldn't let us in, after all. 
The bouncer heard them, and told them to leave, as clearly, they aren't interested in the club. Amore had agreed. And so, they left.
Celia:What are we going to do NOW? We can't keep track of Legumen from here!
Deric:Well, she'll probably be staying until the club is over..
Hours passed, and evening approached. They saw Legumen leaving, and going back to his house, and decided to follow the action around then. Legumen didn't really do anything notable then, though, and as night approached, they needed somewhere to sleep. As they had no idea where their disguised forms' houses were millenia after what they had planned, they just slept at a hotel.
The first day goeth.
The agents awakened, and teleported back to Palentumque, heading off back to where Legumen was before. And this time.. Something notable DID happen...
But then, the scary dove put in in a scary room, and said "You and I have linked the agricultural economy and all the activated meals, it fills it's pockets, blessing all the verbs. We will also talk about the good times and the dry times, what is your family? Taxi ride, please kiss the backseat. Facebook knows the driver radio. I AM THE CONFEDERATE ARMY."
Deric:..That is the worst dialouge from a god I've ever heard.
The scary dove was Amore, and she was starving all the people of food and money so she give it all to the verbs, was causing droughts in times of great harvest to ruin said harvests, had made me forget my family, made people fall in love with taxis, and made Mark Zuckerberg fall in love with the taxi driver's radio! Oh, and she was the confederate army, but who cares?
Deric:Canon cares! The Confederacy was killed off at the end of the Civil War, and yet, this is clearly taking place long after then, with Facebook and taxis being around!
The room they were in started to flicker. The design of the room was constantly changing between the designs in the 1800's, and present day. The agent's total exprience points, and current items also flicker to take into consideration how long their disguised forms have supposedly been on Earth from, leading to a VERY disorienting experience.
Deric:Just w-wheen it COULDN'T GET WORSE!!
I was so enraged that I rented a car and ran over Amore with it many times.
The time period, and thus the agents as well, restabilized, being in modern day.
I then made many large trees and trees in the street grow out of her body, so many that she turned into a street.
Deric:And of COURSE it's THAT easy. 
Then I turned the street into a tree and bread, and roasted her by saying "That's my hair. With the black eggs you know it's clear.
Celia:..I don't get it.
Deric:Neither do I, honestly.
It was so good of a roast Adolebitque teleported to me.
Celia:Of COURSE, he notices something he wouldn't notice.
We kissed and had twenty million newborns, and Tinker ripped out Amore's organs for torturing us, as well as Inky's for promoting her in the first place.
Celia:Inky isn't even physical, there ARE no organs, and Inky can't be killed without the Immortalkiller! Even WITH the Immortalkiller it's hard!
Deric:Adding that to the list.. Wait, does filling up the area with TWENTY MILLION newborns count?
And La Manie came back to life, and we all lived happily ever after.
Celia:How?!
Deric:Because plot convience. Looks like the fanfiction's over. We've gathered up all our charges. Now we just have to find out a way to put a STOP to this..
Celia:Wait a minute, isn't that against the Rules of All? Specifically, Section R? Why is nobody doing a thing about it?
Deric:That was based on an outdated canon that might not apply anymore..
Celia:It hasn't been retconned yet, so it's a charge. Plus, we don't KNOW if it'll change.
Deric:Isn't it innocent until proven guilty? That being the reason why we need to gather charges at all?
Celia:We need to gather charges so the world knows what to fix!
Deric:But then we could easily just say "That's a Mary Sue, they don't need to be here", and not bother with the rest of the charges.. Mary Sue's gone, so the damage she caused is also gone.
Celia:The world would still think everything she did is possible. We have to fix every error.
(Who's right? We'll have to find out later on! End of Chapter 1.)
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