It Takes Two (1995 film)/Transcript

Back up! Back up!
Fans, it's the bottom of the ninth.
And the bases are loaded.
And guess who the orphans
have at bat!
That's right.
It's the home-run queen herself.
The Belter from the Shelter. Miss...
Amanda Lemmon!
- What?
- I'm going to kill you!
Didn't I tell you
not to play in that dress?
Come on, Diane!
I ain't going to hurt it.
It's time for your interview.
Drop the bat. Let's go!
Just let me smash
this ball downtown, okay?
All right. You got 10 seconds.
Otherwise, the game is going to be
called on account of bloodshed!
Come on, Frankie.
I got to go to Staten Island.
Staten Island? What about camp?
You'll miss the bus!
I won't. It's just a look-see.
They're trying to place you
with the Butkises?!
So what if they are?
You ever met those people?
That family collects kids.
They'll take anybody.
Even rejects like you.
Shut up, Frankie!
At least I got an interview.
And Amanda Butkis steps to the plate.
- Come on. Hop in.
- It was a grand slam!
See if they want a little boy!
Me and her. Two for one.
What am I, on sale?
Get your own!
Staten Island, please.
You're out. We win!
Amanda didn't touch home plate!
You're a dead man, Frankie!
Okay, so...
...it's not Park Avenue.
You can't judge a book by the cover.
You don't want to
be an orphan forever.
- So adopt me, why don't you?
- They won't let me, on my salary.
Besides that, you deserve
a mother and a father.
So get a husband!
It's not like buying a car, you know!
I know. It's got to be that
"Can't eat, can't sleep...
...reach for the stars.
World Series" kind of stuff, right?
A girl has her standards.
Well, I got mine. And I say.
Let's blow off these people!
Gum.
Hat.
Other gum.
Look. I know these people
have a stupid name...
...but they really like kids.
Okay? So put on a smile.
Sell it, girl!
Why do I always got to wear a dress?
Because it makes you
look so pretty.
Oh, isn't she the most precious thing?
What a pretty little dress!
She's a honey! Look.
She's got your mother's smile.
And your father's sense of humor.
That's very funny!
Come on in!
Come in, sweetie!
Why, you'll love it in here!
It's going to be fabulous.
Callaway, huh?
Must be a real big shot.
You'd be surprised how big.
All this for her?
Welcome home, princess.
He forgot again, didn't he?
I'm afraid your father's
been unavoidably detained.
If it's any consolation...
...I know an old butler
who's mighty glad to see you.
I'm sorry, Vincenzo.
How terribly rude of me!
I'm very glad to see you too.
Thank you, honey.
I see you've been practicing.
Congratulations!
What's his excuse?
Your father? Well...
...he's preparing for your arrival
up at the summer house.
- Which one?
- Lake Minocqua.
But that's been closed for years.
He never goes there.
He does now.
Vincenzo, you big fat fibber!
What's going on?
My lips are sealed.
You mean it's a surprise?
You could put it that way.
It's a welcome home party for me!
I knew Daddy was up to something.
Alyssa, I didn't say...
I won't tell.
I've never had a surprise party
in my whole life!
Well, this'll certainly
be a surprise.
Come on, move it!
- I got 43.
- Me too. Guess who's missing?
Carmen, where's Amanda?
She's not coming.
Hey, slugger. What's up?
I'm not going to stupid camp.
I don't blame you.
Look at this place. It's a pigsty!
It'll take you a week
to make your bed.
Don't joke. I'm serious.
I'm not joking.
That's why I sent
the bus ahead without us.
Liar.
- How much you want to bet?
- Fifty bucks.
- Okay. So I didn't send the bus.
- Cough it up.
But I will.
Then we can sit here until
you tell me what's really wrong.
I'm not going
to stupid Butkis' either.
I was waiting for that one.
If they're the best I can do.
Frankie's right. I am a reject.
You're not a reject.
It's just that most people
want to adopt...
Babies.
I know.
This orphan stuff is
like growing up in a dog pound.
Everybody wants a puppy.
Just once. I'd like to sleep
in my own room.
Hey, come here a minute.
Listen to me.
You listening to me?
I'm going to find you the best home
in the entire world.
That's a promise.
You don't make promises, remember?
I didn't say I don't make promises.
I don't make promises I can't keep.
There's a big difference.
Now can we please go to camp?
Please?
But you still owe me $50.
Oh, Vincenzo, it's gorgeous!
I think this house is going
to be my favorite.
I remember many happy years here.
- There she is.
- Daddy!
Come over here, my little...
Wait a minute!
You're not Alyssa. She's little.
You're a foot taller than her.
It's me. Honest!
It is?
I've missed you.
I'm sorry I wasn't at the airport.
That's okay. I knew it had
to be something really important.
Like a party, maybe?
She knows?
I didn't say a thing!
Vincenzo didn't tell me.
I figured it out on my own.
I should have let you surprise me.
But I'm too excited.
You are?
It's still on, isn't it?
Of course it's still on, sweetheart.
But are we talking
about the same party?
Roger, she's darling!
I'd like you to meet a friend of mine.
Clarice Kensington.
Hello, Miss Kensington.
How do you do?
What a perfect little girl!
Roger, I'm absolutely smitten!
You and I are going
to be great friends.
Are you here for my party?
Your party?
Roger, don't tell me
you haven't told her?
Told me what?
Sweetheart, the party is not for...
Another couple of hours.
Let's get you settled in, princess.
Yes, why don't you do that?
I'm sure you two have lots
to talk about.
He didn't tell her.
I can't believe he didn't tell her.
Maybe he wanted
to tell her in person.
I'm sorry.
Did I say something to you?
Remember to bring your own bag.
Everybody off!
Yo, Carmen, you blind?
What?
Girl, when you going
to get a life?
Miss Kensington seems nice.
Does she work with you?
Not exactly.
I got something to show you.
Right up here.
You see there? Across the lake?
That's Camp Callaway.
That was your mom's favorite project.
So is she from the camp?
Who?
Miss Kensington.
Sweetheart...
...I want to have a talk with you.
You know, Alyssa...
...a lot's happened
while you were gone.
I haven't been able to come up
to this house since Mom passed away.
But there comes a time
when a person has to move on.
You're getting older.
There's just so much
a father can do without help.
- We have Vincenzo. He helps us.
- Yes, he does.
He's been a good friend
to this family for a long time.
But what I think
our family needs is a...
Excuse me.
Telephone. Board meeting.
- Let me call them back, okay?
- It's urgent.
I'm with my...
Forgive me?
Don't I always?
So good to have you home.
On two?
Hey, young lady!
Summer vacation. Official.
Go play!
Will you come with me?
I wish I could, but I got
a lot of work to do. Sorry.
Check it out!
Buckingham Palace.
That's in London, brainless.
It's the Callaway house.
Nobody's lived there for years.
It's haunted.
- It's not either!
- Ask anyone. Every full moon...
...old lady Callaway's ghost crosses
the lake and eats a camper.
Yeah, right. And Santa Claus lives
with the tooth fairy in Oueens.
- You ever been there?
- No.
If it's not haunted.
Why don't you go ring the doorbell?
- You think I'm scared?
- Five bucks says you're chicken.
Cough it up, choirboy!
Show me your money.
This I got to see!
They say the first Mrs. Callaway
was a lovely woman...
...but look at this room!
No wonder she's dead!
She had absolutely no taste.
I can't wait to sell this house.
I want one bar set up in here
and two out in the patio.
Well, hello, munchkin!
Daddy!
Honey, what's the matter?
- You all right?
- No!
What?
What happened?
She hates this house!
Let's not be dramatic, darling.
She was hiding in the den.
I simply said that
we might fix it up someday.
That is, if you'll let me.
Who is she?
There's no easy way to say this.
Sweetheart...
...Clarice and I
will be married next month.
You'll finally have a real family.
She's going to be your new mother.
Isn't that wonderful?
She does this sometimes.
- Honey.
- And she gets away with it.
I'm sorry. Roger, but little tantrums
mustn't be rewarded.
Come on, sweetheart.
You're making it worse.
I know what I'm talking about.
All right, people!
Back to work, Shoo!
Let's focus on the engagement party.
Sure hope you're right.
Trust me, I'm a woman.
Look at the time!
I've got to get my face on.
How's about some milk and cookies?
I've lost my mother.
Now I've lost my father.
I have no family!
I'm an orphan, and I'm running away!
And don't you dare tell Daddy!
- We got to hide!
- What if we get caught?
- Don't let her see us!
- Who?
Old lady Callaway!
There's no ghost.
Look at her!
She's nuts!
I won't go back.
I won't!
She's not the boss of me.
Have you seen Alyssa?
I'm under strict orders
not to tell you that she ran away.
Why didn't you stop her?
I thought I'd give her a head start
so she could reclaim a little dignity.
You'll make sure she comes home okay?
Don't worry. Right away, boss.
Thanks, Vin.
It doesn't look haunted.
That's what they want you to think.
This isn't funny.
Let's get out of here!
Don't worry!
She'll chicken out.
Well...
...if it isn't
the little orphan girl.
Someone's home!
We were just coming after you.
I didn't mean nothing!
It was just a joke.
I was just kidding around!
She didn't even scream.
Let's get you ready
for the big dinner.
Big dinner?
Listen, Lurch, you don't want me.
I'm too skinny!
There are other kids.
Big, fat ones, right outside.
Eat them!
What in the world
are you talking about?
The full moon.
That's tonight, right?
Old lady Callaway's ghost!
It's her!
I guess you think I'm stupid.
No, you're just a little upset.
That's all.
Looks like I just won five bucks.
So when's this party?
Am I invited?
Your dress is upstairs.
Cocktails are at five.
Now if you'll excuse me, please.
A dress?
Me?
You got to be kidding!
Nobody's even looking for me.
There you are!
I have been looking
everywhere for you!
You have?
Of course I have.
Let me ask you a question.
You did not come
all the way up here...
...to sit around
like a bump on a log, did you?
No.
I guess not.
Come on, slugger.
The_re playing football.
You're missing out on all the fun.
I thought, "Where is she?
What's happened to her?"
- I hear Amanda's quite the jock.
- The kid's a natural. Great speed.
Student body, left. Everybody block
for Amanda. On four. Ready?
W
Who's Amanda?
Funny.
She's probably
eating her liver right now.
You think one camper's enough?
I mean, what if she's still hungry?
Look!
Hey, I got it!
Run!
You're going the wrong way!
Great speed.
Bad sense of direction.
Do you see what I see?
I don't know what you see.
But what I see is me.
I see me, too.
Does that mean there's two of you?
Or two of me?
There really is two of us!
Don't you find this odd?
No, this is weird.
This is really, really weird.
Wait a sec!
You live at the Callaway house!
You're that girl from camp!
They thought I was you!
Alyssa Callaway.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Amanda, Put her there!
No wonder that penguin guy
asked me in!
That's Vincenzo. He's our butler.
Who's the woman with the long hair?
I liked her.
That's Diane. We're buds.
She's pretty cool for a grownup.
What were you doing over there?
I wanted to see what
it was like to be an orphan.
What?
- Why?
- Because it looked like fun.
Fun? Being an orphan?
What's the matter with you?
So why were you at my house?
I was just...
I was just ringing the doorbell.
What for?
Because kids think
that place is haunted.
That's stupid.
Well, then who's
that scary blond lady?
She's absolutely horrid!
- If I were you, I'd get rid of her.
- Any suggestions?
You're talking to a pro here!
I've driven away more possible parents
than you'll ever meet.
Don't you want a family?
A girl's got to have her standards.
So tell me, this party.
You really don't want to go?
I'd rather eat dirt.
Okay, listen.
You be me, I'll be you.
One night only.
Tomorrow at noon, we switch back.
What do you say?
That's wonderful! That way.
You can scare off Clarice for me.
Don't be such a goody-goody.
I got a reputation to protect.
I scored a touchdown, didn't I?
Okay, just don't talk so good.
Use lousy English like:
Ain't ya never gonna wanna
doncha hafta go to the bathroom?
That sort of thing.
You ain't got nothing to worry about.
I say, you do catch on rather quickly.
Stables, noon.
Miss Kensington says
fashionably late was an hour ago.
What's the problem?
I'm a hairdresser...
...not a zookeeper.
What in the name of God
is going on here?
Hi, Vinnie. I mean, Vincenzo.
I got...
...distracted.
You don't have to apologize.
Really?
Cool!
I mean, it's just that
I'm so terribly relieved that you...
...aren't pissed.
"Pissed, " miss?
Why don't you get dressed, please?
And let Carlo do your hair.
I liked it better when she fainted.
This is really good!
Of course it is, silly.
It's your favorite.
It is?
Yes, of course.
The big, gooey, messy burger.
Also known as a sloppy joe.
Sloppy joe, Right.
Your favorite?
And with dern good reason!
Did you just say "dern"?
Good evening.
How swell of you to come!
So nice to see you.
Like my dress?
Escargot, Miss Callaway?
Why, thank you, waiter person.
I'm starving.
I mean, I'd adore one!
This tastes like a balloon.
It's snails, miss.
Good.
Nice.
Chewy.
All this money
and these people eat slugs!
Look who's finally decided
to grace us with her presence!
Clarice, right?
You looked better with the mask.
I beg your pardon?
Clarice has been regaling us with
your accomplishments at the academy.
- Might we entice you to play something?
- Of course.
I'd be delighted!
Whatever did you have in mind?
Checkers?
Dodge ball?
No, dear girl.
Muffy was referring to the piano.
Ladies and gentlemen.
May I have your attention, please?
Before we sit down to dinner.
My future stepdaughter...
...whom I absolutely adore...
...has consented to play
one of the pieces...
...that won her first prize
at the Windsor Academy youth recital.
Hold it! Time-out.
I can't play the piano.
I just told them you would.
Then do me a grand favor
and untell them!
If you embarrass me
in front of all these people...
...I'll make sure that
you never play anything...
...ever again.
Have I made myself clear?
Clear as glass.
In fact, I can see right through you.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Normally, I'd be tickled
to play a selection...
...from...
...Chopin.
But in honor of my new stepmother...
...whom I absolutely adore...
...I decided to play
a little something of my own.
Do you think my daughter's
asking for attention?
I'd say she's demanding it.
Finn!
Huckleberry Finn!
You got it!
The guys are ahead of us
by eight seconds.
- Amanda, it's your turn. Go, girl!
- Me?
You're the best.
Show them what you got.
Look at her. She's nervous!
Yeah, so?
The old Amanda wasn't
scared of nothing.
What am I supposed to do?
Ready.
Set.
Go!
Song!
What happened?
"London Bridge is Falling Down"!
That's it!
You may enter.
Mind if we talk?
Whatever about?
Clarice.
None of that.
She was upset with your performance.
Shouldn't you give her a chance?
I did, and she's a big phoney-baloney.
If you ask me.
I've never heard you this outspoken.
It'd be nice to have a mother.
Yeah, and it'd be nice
to have a father too. I mean...
No, no. Sweetheart. I think the
person you're really angry at...
...is me.
You?
What'd you do?
I haven't been much of a father lately.
I haven't seen you.
But all that's going to change.
Clarice is going back to the city.
Gee, I hope it was nothing I did.
No, she's got a wedding to plan, but
we'll get to spend some time together.
Get to know each other again.
Is that okay?
Let's tuck you in.
You little snuggler.
See you tomorrow.
Good night, honey.
I like having a father.
I like having a daughter.
Good night, sweetie.
Lights out!
Lights out, cabin three!
- Come on, come on.
- This I got to see!
We're going to get caught.
I just know it!
Come on, Frankie. It's a full moon!
Shut up, stupid!
Lombies hear better than dogs.
It's a frog!
Amanda? Scared of a frog?
She's changed, all right!
Now do you believe me?
Yeah, she's one of them pod people.
Let's get out of here!
A frog?
You know what?
You should have kissed it.
He might've turned out
to be Prince Charming.
Grose!
Not for you. For me!
You'd kiss a frog?
No.
Toads are my specialty.
Big, old, ugly suckers
with tongues like this.
- It is not.
- It is too!
- How else am I going to catch a guy?
- I don't know.
There's that smile!
And that time. I think it went
all the way up to your eyes.
You remind me of someone.
I do? Who?
Someone I've never met.
How, if you've never met her?
Sometimes when I dream.
I think I see her.
You know, you've been acting
just a little bit weirder today.
I think maybe it's all this fresh air.
Don't make fun.
Sorry.
Usually you're such a tough guy.
Don't tell anyone, okay?
Scout's honor.
I mean, after all, I wouldn't
want to spoil my reputation none.
None.
I've got an idea.
Let's go spy on the boys.
Safe trip, honey.
Oh, my God!
How was the party?
Well, the good news is
Clarice is gone.
You did it!
The bad news is
she'll be back in a week.
Oh, you didn't.
What's a cool guy like your dad
doing with a witch like her?
It's too bad he didn't
meet Diane first.
Now, she's awesome.
Yeah, they'd be perfect
for each other.
You're not thinking what
I hope you're not thinking.
Want to bet?
But he's getting married!
They got to meet once.
Then they'll fall in love for sure.
How do you know?
Because Diane says, when it happens.
It happens like that.
Okay, so look.
You go back to Diane
and I'll go back to your dad.
Wait! Why not the other way around?
You know what he likes.
And I know what she likes.
They need all the help they can get.
But how will we get them together?
I can't believe I let you
talk me into this.
You're too tense. Relax.
I got 1.000 pounds of animal
under my butt, and she says, "Relax."
Move with the horse
and you'll be fine.
When did you become an expert
all of a sudden?
Ain't you never seen a Western?
Honey, the last Western I saw
was an omelet.
What happened to those
equestrian classes you took?
Are you asking me a question?
Come on.
I'll race you to the lake.
No, no. Slow is good.
I like to enjoy the scenery.
I got spurs that jingle jingle jangle.
As I ride merrily along.
We're doing a good job, aren't we?
I'm finally getting the hang of this.
I'm getting the hang of this!
Oh, come on, Amanda.
My voice isn't that bad!
I been in the desert
On a horse with no name.
It's good to get out of the rain.
Not only is she an excellent rider.
She's a gourmet cook...
...she paints...
...she speaks four languages...
You know, honey.
You could learn a lot from Clarice.
Alyssa, there's a...
Honey!
Come here! Come here!
Where is that girl?
Did you bring it?
Whoa, bud!
Someone turn this thing off!
Stop this right now!
I'm telling you! Stop!
Step on it!
Oh, dear! Oh, my!
Help me!
Somebody help me!
Hang on!
Call 911!
Slow down.
Don't talk to me!
Talk to the horse!
I was talking to the horse!
Okay, it's okay.
I'm on a killer!
They gave me the killer horse!
Relax.
You okay?
I about dropped
my transmission back there.
If it's any consolation, I used to
look like a real jerk on a horse.
How many fingers, cowboy?
Six.
Close enough. Can you stand?
Which is more bruised.
My butt or my ego?
Have someone take a look at that.
- My butt?
- No.
That cut. Right there.
Oh, great.
We have first aid at the camp.
Oh, thanks.
I just live over here.
Are you Roger Callaway?
- I think so.
- The Roger Callaway?
From the Callaway Foundation?
Yeah, that's me.
I'm Diane Barrows. I always wanted
to meet you. My kids love your camp.
You have kids?
They're not mine. I work for
the East Side Children's Center.
Of course.
It was nice to meet you, Mr. Callaway.
Roger, please.
And thank you for saving my life.
And you really should put
some iodine on your butt.
Cut.
Miss Barrows...
b.
I was wondering if
I could offer you iced tea.
I'd love to hear more about
the camp and how it's going.
Only if we walk.
You took the words out of my mouth.
Come on.
Now hold still.
You certainly are an angel of mercy.
- I see worse cuts than this every day.
- Thanks.
My gang always invents
new ways to get hurt.
- You must really love children.
- What's not to love?
- No, really.
- You big baby! Come here.
Ls that better?
I can't hear anything!
We've got to get closer!
You know, you're not at all
what I expected.
Really?
What were you expecting?
Blue blood, for one thing.
I thought you'd be some rich, big.
Old, fat geezer who smokes cigars.
Really?
I made my money the old-fashioned way.
Pure dumb luck.
I doubt that.
I swear to God.
Twelve years ago, a cell phone
was something out of Star rreh.
But I thought it was pretty cool.
So I bought airspace.
Get out!
That's like money out of thin air!
You'll notice I don't carry one.
I hate them.
Excuse me.
Miss Kensington, boss.
She insists.
Excuse me. It's my...
Miss Kensington.
How you doing?
How am I doing?
Please, honey, look.
Do you have any idea
what your daughter has done?
- No, what?
- She spit...
Gum? In your hair?
Are you sure?
Am I sure?
Oh, my God! You should see it!
I'm certain it wasn't intentional.
Look, of course.
You've had a rough day.
Rough is a broken nail, darling.
What I've had is a train wreck!
Just try to calm down.
I'll speak to her.
I'm just going to go now.
Just one second.
One second, please.
What? Is there a woman
there with you?
Yes, there's sort of a woman here.
She's from the camp.
How delightful!
I'm in the middle of a crisis...
...and you're having a bachelor party!
I'm in a meeting. That's all.
It's just a meeting.
No, we're not going to have dinner.
There's nothing going to go on...
Please. I'll see you
at the end of the week.
Me too. Bye-bye.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry about that!
But she squeezed me so hard.
It just sort of popped out.
I don't think she likes me much.
She's been looking forward to
meeting you for months.
Do you know how much she loves kids?
No. Do you?
Well, you are the first kid
I've ever seen her with.
But I'm sure it's a bunch.
And you love her, right?
Like that "Can't eat. Can't sleep.
Reach for the stars...
...over the fence. World Series"
kind of stuff?
Ls that what the dictionary says?
You're marrying her
because Alyssa needs. I mean...
...I need a mother?
I think that's
enough questions for today.
Wait.
I only got one left.
Let's have it.
Who was that pretty woman
out on the patio?
The Roger Callaway?
On a white horse, no less.
So?
He comes riding up, saves my life.
He's probably worth billions.
Totally cute.
Oh, my God! He is so cute.
To top it all off...
...he's, honest to God, a nice guy.
I'm stupid enough
to think he's available.
- Isn't he?
- No.
Ls too.
How would you know?
Was he wearing a ring?
Even if he was available.
He wouldn't be interested in me.
Don't put yourself down.
Guys like him like
girls with food names.
Cookie, Muffin...
...Candy.
They don't marry girls like me.
He did once.
Ls this published somewhere?
Her name was Cathy.
She wasn't a food, but a teacher.
He's even more perfect
than I thought.
I'm cheating.
Give me one of those.
Give me that stick.
Vincenzo, do you believe in magic?
Like card tricks?
No, sparks between two people.
It happens when you least expect it.
Why do you ask?
No reason.
It's been so long since Cathy and...
I didn't think it'd happen again.
That Miss Kensington
is really something.
Well, actually...
...that's not who I meant.
I know.
You're my best man. You're supposed
to come up with words of wisdom now.
Why don't you go for a drive?
See where you end up.
Now, where's he going?
It's the home office.
The Butkises want Amanda.
The paperwork just went through.
Who the hell is this?
Diane Barrows, Since when does
your department okay an adoption...
...without the caseworker's report?
I know these people are nice.
Have you ever met those people?
These people collect kids.
They'll take anybody.
Where is Diane Barrows?
I think she's in the office.
Let me just run this by you
one more time.
Just hear me out one more time.
I know I don't make that much money.
And I know I'm a little bit single.
But I want to adopt Amanda.
Are you laughing at me?
He's laughing at me!
You stupid jerk!
What?
Oh, it's you.
Ls this a bad time?
A bad time?
For a meeting?
No. I'm having a problem
with one of my kids.
Anything I can do?
You've already saved my life.
What can I do for you?
I want to apologize for yesterday.
It was very rude.
I shouldn't have taken that call.
I'd like to make it up.
Okay, then give me your car.
Perhaps we could discuss it
at a pizza joint I saw in town.
I'm sorry. I can't.
I understand.
Maybe some other time, then.
No, it's not like that.
I'm on duty today in the mess hall.
It's my kids' turn to serve.
Oh, I see.
If your heart's set on Italian.
You could join us.
We're having...
...macaroni and cheese.
And peach cobbler?
Oh, yeah, All you can eat.
Darling, Craig can meet
the preident on Sunday.
I need bridesmaids!
You must come.
Fabulous!
There's my other line.
Love you. Mean it. Ciao.
M.
Why do you keep bothering me
with numbers? It's my wedding.
Whatever it costs, just get it!
It's a cozy little spot!
When were you last here?
It must be 10 years!
Ten years?
Did you build the camp
and never come back?
No, it was my wife's idea.
She had a big heart.
Had?
She passed away when Alyssa was born.
Sorry.
I just never could come back.
Until now, that is.
Here you go!
Hey, Carmen. Where's Amanda?
I don't know.
One minute she's behind me...
Would you get her? I want to
introduce her to somebody.
I'm having the hardest time keeping
tabs on her. She keeps running off.
Tell me about it.
I got one just like her at home.
What are you doing?
I'm cleaning this window.
Look at it. It's filthy.
Diane wants to see you. Come on.
Hey, my hat!
Do something, Alyssa!
Here she comes.
My compliments to the chef.
Amanda, take that thing off.
Let her keep it on.
It might be the latest thing.
Excuse me, ma'am.
Did you just snort?
I suppose you think this is funny?
Well, maybe you'll get
a little chuckle out of this.
You wouldn't dare!
Food fight!
That was great!
I couldn't have done it better myself.
I almost had a heart attack.
I guess that's what they mean
by "eat and run."
We need doggie bags.
Oh, dear. Look at me.
I am covered in cobbler.
You look good in peach.
Leave it. I may still be hungry.
I can't believe you hit me
with the butter.
I didn't start it. You just talk
to that short-order cook of yours.
Oh yeah. Where is she, anyway?
Look at your head.
If you want to get cleaned up.
There's showers over there.
I've got a better idea.
Will you excuse me?
And maybe hold some of that?
Pardon me.
What's wrong with him?
Beats me.
I've never seen him act like this.
I think he's gone mental.
He's got a lot on his mind.
Don't you know
not to swim after you eat?
Oh, yeah, I forgot.
I got a cramp!
I can't swim!
No fair. I saved you.
It's too cold.
I'm not going in there.
Come on!
I don't want to save you right now.
All right, buster.
You better be worth it.
You're not funny.
Oh, my God!
Say...
...a guy could drown waiting for you.
Callaway, I'm going to kill you!
Bonzai!
Roger, I am going to kill you!
It's working.
Look at them.
Now that's more like it.
Roger, darling? Anyone home?
Miss Kensington! What a surprise.
We weren't expecting you.
Yes, I know. Where's Roger?
Mr. Callaway is out for the afternoon.
I see.
Would you please tell him
I wish to speak with him?
Yes, ma'am.
Thank you so much.
I'd like a Diet Coke.
One Diet Coke, coming up.
With lime.
Awfully early in the day
to be looking at stars.
What do we have here?
You can't always be this much fun.
It wouldn't be fair.
Trust me.
I haven't done this in years.
Well, it feels good.
It feels better every second.
- Don't move.
- Why?
There's a thing.
What do you mean "a thing"?
A bug?
A dreaded maraschino bug.
It's highly poisonous.
And you wanted to go for pizza.
I almost didn't come over at all.
I'm glad you did.
What was that?
- It's a sign.
- What do you mean "a sign"?
I don't know.
I think I know what you mean.
It's your Miss Kensington, right?
I'm getting married next month.
Well, of course you are!
So what was this?
Just sort of a last fling?
I didn't know.
I was hoping to find out.
Don't worry about it.
I can help you out.
It was nice to meet you.
And thanks for the camp.
Oh, by the way, congratulations!
Diane, please.
You know what?
This just kills me.
We might've hit this one
out of the park.
It was there, I know it.
That "can't eat. Can't sleep...
...reach for the stars.
Over the fence...
...World Series" kind of thing.
Oh, well.
I've got to get a dictionary.
They were so close!
Grownups, they think too much.
I give up.
No, we mustn't!
And why mustn't we?
Because third time's a charm. Right?
Right.
Boss!
It's Miss Kensington.
Thanks. I'll take it down here.
Not here.
Up there.
Up there?
Afraid so.
Roger, darling!
Clarice! Your hair.
You're here!
What did you do?
Fall in the lake?
It's the funniest thing...
Shouldn't you be in New York?
I couldn't bear to be away
a moment longer.
You were just gone a day.
I know! And I was positively
miserable the entire time.
So I've decided we mustn't
wait another day.
To what?
To be married, silly.
Next month seems like an eternity.
When two people are
as much in love as we...
...I say.
"What's wrong with tomorrow"?
Tomorrow?
Darling, you haven't said
a word about my hair.
Okay, listen to this.
"Dear Roger.
You are so totally fresh.
Just thinking about you
drives me mental.
Meet me where we met
with the horses.
Seven dclock tonight.
Love, Diane."
How's that?
Very romantic.
Want to hear mine?
"Dear Diane...
Dear Diane, ever since
I saw you riding the horse...
...I can't stop thinking about it.
And I know we were disturbed
at the lake...
...but I must see you again
where I saved your life, at 7:30.
Yours truly, Roger Callaway."
There you are, my little
gum-chewing assailant.
You're back!
What? No big hug "hello"?
- You're not supposed to be here.
- Ln a perfect world, neither are you.
We're leaving for the city.
Right now? It's too soon!
Maybe I didn't make myself clear.
We're leaving tonight.
This little act of yours
is getting old.
What act?
Oh, please.
When I was your age.
I'd been through three stepmothers.
I know all the lengths girls go through
to keep Daddy all to themselves.
You got that all wrong, lady.
Alyssa, don't be rude.
I'm talking.
Where was I?
Oh, yes.
You had Roger to yourself
for nine wonderful years.
But after tomorrow.
I'm the woman of the house.
And you're off to a year-round
boarding school.
Possibly in Tibet.
Did you say tomorrow?
Should I have come here?
Yes, stupid.
He's only worth about $20 billion.
For God's sakes!
Great! Now I'm just after him
for his money.
How shallow is that?
I liked him before
I knew he was rich.
So I should've come here.
He's a little bit engaged.
I've never met her.
So maybe that doesn't count.
Come on, ladies. Perk up.
Come on, Amanda!
We're missing the fireworks!
This is Miss Van Dyke
from Children's Services.
Hello there.
I believe I have
some very good news for you.
Come to Mama, sweetheart!
I feel pretty ding-dang-dong stupid.
But my name's Amanda!
Alyssa, stop it.
Come on, honey.
Do we have to listen to this
the whole way?
Oh, great.
Now I'm going to be road kill.
Wait a minute!
What are you doing?
Hl.
You were supposed to protect her!
You could've slit their tires!
Anything!
They had paperwork.
What paperwork?
We couldn't find you.
Did you want us to
lie in front of the van?
I would have.
I'm taking the Jeep.
That's the camms.
Oh, don't you keep me here!
Lots of tie-ups.
It's 20 minutes for the Lincoln.
Ten for the Holland.
The BQE is backed up for two miles.
If you're taking the Van Wyck.
Allow an extra 15.
Just stay out of midtown.
It'll be wall-to-wall limos.
As Clarice Kensington...
...finally lands her man.
Now, these nincompoops are
your new brothers and sisters.
From the left, you got...
...Bubba, Bridget, Brenda...
...Bonnie, Billy, Bobby, Ben...
...and little Harry. Jr.
Now, he's ours.
There's been a big mistake.
You see, my name is not Amanda.
We know that, honey.
You do?
Sure. And you will never
have to be Amanda again.
That's right. Because from now on.
You're going to be...
...Little Betty Butkis.
Give Betty some Coco Puffs.
And after breakfast...
...we're going to go down
and see where your daddy works.
Isn't that going to be fun?
Callaway residence.
One moment, please.
Miss Callaway, it's for you.
Hello, this is Miss Callaway.
I can't talk long. It's me.
Or should I say...
...Betty Butkis.
Oh, no! I'm adopted?
Are those guys scary or what?
What happened yesterday?
Are you sitting down?
Yeah, kind of.
Clarice moved up the wedding.
Your dad's getting married...
...in two hours and 12 minutes.
- What do we do now?
- I don't know.
But it'll have to be something major.
And quick.
You've got to get me out of here.
These people aren't
just scary, they're...
New kids aren't allowed to use
the phone. Butkis rules.
Hey, Vin. You've been taking care
of Alyssa all her life, right?
Oh, no, Alyssa. Not again.
Answer the question.
Yes. From the day she was...
From the day you were born.
So you know pretty well
everything about her?
Every freckle, every bruise...
...every scar?
You could say that.
Bet you don't remember this one.
Do you?
No, that one escapes me.
Broken bottle sliding into home.
This one?
Rusty nail right through my shoe.
Bled for six blocks.
How about here?
Ever seen this?
When was that?
Roman candle last Fourth of July.
Right in the head.
My God!
You're not Alyssa!
Nope. Name's Amanda.
Put her there.
Identical strangers?
Holy mackerel, it's amazing!
Yeah. And it's weird too.
But if you're here with us.
Then Alyssa is...
ln a lot of trouble.
- I got to tell Mr. Callaway.
- Oh, no.
Wait! You can't tell him yet.
We got to get him to see
Diane before the wedding.
They'll fall in love.
And Clarice will be history.
Where the hell is everybody?
I sure hope you got a plan.
What are you doing here?
I came for Mr. Callaway's
daughter. Alyssa.
You got her.
I want her back.
What are you talking about?
I don't have her.
I don't even know her.
Yes, you do.
This is Alyssa Callaway.
No, you'd better get
your eyes checked because...
...this is a little girl
named Amanda.
This is your Amanda.
Oh, my God!
Look, they're identical.
This is amazing.
Yeah. And it's weird too.
I understand...
...that through some simple mix-up...
...that Alyssa is in the care
of Child Services.
I've been authorized to tell you...
...that if I get her back.
There'll be no legal entanglements.
She's not exactly with me here.
She's been...
Well, she was adopted.
Then you better un-adopt her quick.
Mr. Callaway's getting married
in 90 minutes.
He's expecting
his real daughter there.
Ninety minutes?
I can't get to Staten Island
and back in 90 minutes.
Well, could I suggest that
you go really, really fast?
Here.
If you get into any trouble...
...call this number.
Ask for Lou.
Lou who?
Well, hey. Look at this mess.
Clean it up.
You clean it.
Put a cork in it, okay?
He's management.
My father's Roger Callaway...
...and when he finds out
what you're doing here...
...he's going to buy this whole town
and kick you out of it.
Roger Callaway? Then how come
you ain't at his wedding?
Come on, Diane. You can do it.
We might have to stall a bit.
How?
How should I know?
You're the brains of this operation.
I must be crazy.
But I am not going in that church.
No matter what happens.
I am not going in that church.
It's only natural to be nervous.
- I was thinking about the World Series.
- Baseball?
Did you ever hit a home run?
Not recently.
You know when it's
bottom of the ninth...
...the bases are loaded...
...and you know the next one's
coming right down the middle?
And then...
...you just connect.
And for an instant...
...you know that it's going
over the fence and out of the park...
...further than
you could ever imagine.
Yeah, that's a great feeling.
Clarice hates baseball.
Come on, Sea Biscuit.
Don't fail me now.
Hello! Hello!
You looking for a Butkis?
You looking for a Butkis?
Yes, I am.
Do you know where he is?
At the salvage yard, where else?
Harry works those kids to the bone.
What?
Why do you think he's got so many?
Can I use your phone?
Yeah, sure. No charge.
We've been looking for you...
...Your Highness.
Leave me alone!
But Your Majesty...
...we brought you something.
Yeah, something to make you feel...
...more at home.
I knew somebody in this church
would have a Prozac.
What is taking so long?
Relax. Enjoy the moment.
This is the happiest day
of your life.
I'm happy.
Don't I look happy?
This is me happy! See?
Happy, happy, happy!
Let's get the show on the road!
Here's your royal throne...
...Alyssa Callaway.
Hail, Betty.
Oueen of the scrap heap.
Hail, Betty!
My name's Alyssa Callaway!
Yeah, right. And I'm Princess Di.
Attention, Harry Butkis.
We're here to pick up
Alyssa Callaway.
All you kids in the yard.
Stand clear.
We're coming in.
Told you!
Alyssa Callaway?
I've got to get you to that church.
That is my kid!
Out of my way, piece of junk!
I would love to kill you...
...before I turn you over
to Social Services.
Alyssa, go ahead. Hurry!
Oh, God!
Hi. How you doing?
Good to see you.
Hi, Granny. Nice hat.
Thanks for coming.
Get moving!
Any slower and she'd be
walking backwards.
She's just not herself today.
We'll never make it.
We only have 10 minutes.
So Lou, how close can you land
this thing to the church?
Central Park close enough?
Central Park? The Central Park?
That'll do.
Who would've thought my first girl
would be the last to get married?
Shut up!
Enough of this.
I'm here. Let's do it.
We are gathered here
in the sight of God...
...to join in holy matrimony...
...Clarice and Roger.
I'm not going in the church.
I'm not going in the church.
Oh, no.
Not another horse.
Come on!
Fine!
Where is the driver?
Hey, buddy!
Take us to St. Bart's.
It's an emergency.
Yeah? So's this.
I'm on my break!
Thank you for all your help, bud.
That's my horse!
Faster, horsey, faster!
To have and to hold.
For richer or poorer...
...in sickness and health.
As long as you live?
I do. I really do. Now him.
Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!
- Hang on!
- I'm hanging on!
What street's it on again?
54th and Park.
Are we there yet?
Almost!
Signal!
And do you, Roger...
...take this woman, Clarice...
...to be your lawful wedded wife?
To have and to hold...
...for richer, for poorer...
...and in sickness and in health...
...as long as you both shall live?
Oh, God! We made it.
Aren't you coming?
No, I think I'll just wait
for Amanda out here.
Diane Barrows!
Get your butt up here...
...this instant!
I'll stand in the back...
...and take a little look-see.
I...
I can't.
Excuse me? What did you say?
I'm so sorry. I can't.
I should've said something earlier.
I'm in love with someone else.
I guess I deserve that.
This is all your fault!
Lady...
...if you touch that child...
...I'll pop you one, so help me God.
Oh, my God!
There's two of them!
It's a conspiracy!
Well, at least I'll get to
hit one of you.
Back off, Barbie!
And by the way...
...you have a little bit
of something on your teeth.
I have never been more
humiliated in my life!
Want to bet?
Daddy!
Oh my God!
About time you showed up.
We got here soon as we could.
Hi, Daddy.
Impossible.
Nothing's impossible.
Right. Alyssa?
You got that right.
Wait, if you're...
...my...
Who are you?
Name's Amanda. Put her there.
I'm with her.
Well, I guess we're even.
What do you mean?
You saved my life.
Sorry, I didn't want
the wrong girl to go down the aisle.
I mean, the wrong flower girl.
You had it right the first time.
Told you. Third time's a charm.
Wait a minute.
All of this was your doing?
It was, was it?
Well, ladies, what do you have
to say for yourselves?
So kiss already!
- Put her there.
- Sister.
And it's a high flyball...
...over the left field wall.
Excuse me.
This gentleman claims...
...that the ladies stole his buggy.
He's right. We did!
You did go out of your way.
It was her idea.
I'd like you to ask
that nice gentleman if he'd sell.
I don't care how much. That horse
deserves a house in the country.
I trust we can make
some kind of arrangement.
Girls, what do you say
we do a little sightseeing?
And then you girls
can tell us the whole story.
Driver, once around the park.
If you please.
It'll be my pleasure, boss.
Walk on. Duke!
Category:Transcripts
Category:Warner Bros. Transcripts