The (Raccoon) King and I/Quotes

:(Bob, Tina, Gene, & Louise are looking outside the restaurant. Teddy is eating at the counter.)
:Bob: (looking out) Unbelievable.
:Gene: What's "unbelievable?" My skin? I've been moisturizing.
:Louise: I think Dad's talking about the gigantic stage they built in front of our restaurant for the block party.
:Gene: Oh.
:Tina: But nice skin, Gene. It's really shiny.
:Gene: Even on my heiny.
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:Bob: (frustrated) They were supposed to build it in front of Mort's. We were gonna have a perfect view of the stage.
:Teddy: I'll bet Mort pulled some strings. Embalmed allll the right people.
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:Bob: I was actually looking forward to this block party. I like the Soul Breezers.
:Gene: "Soul Breezers?" Isn't that the wine cooler Mom complains she can't find anymore?
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:Bob: (singing a song by the Soul Breezers) Gas, gas, in, in, my, my, car, car. I'm gonna get to you. Pretty romantic. Also, there was a gas crisis back then, so it worked on a lot of levels.
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:Louise: (frustrated) Yeah! There are kids who will pay good money to watch a free concert from up there.
:Gene: Three kids.
:Louise: Four if you count Andy and Ollie as separate people.
:Bob: Wait, why are kids coming to our living room to see a band from the '70s?
:Louise: Dad, these are children who have never seen a concert before. All I had to tell them was the higher above the stage you are, the more glorious the experience. And that our living room was gonna be like a luxury box with unobstructed views at one of the premier outdoor events to be held in our lifetimes. The bidding was fierce.
:Bob: What'd you charge them?
:Louise: Let's just say they have candy, I have enamel that needs to be dissolved. We made an arrangement.
:Bob: Mm.
:Gene: And I'm helping out in exchange for ten percent. Which means I get to bite off ten percent of each piece of candy.
:Tina: Gross but fair.
:Louise: But, now we're screwed. I just looked at the stage from every window upstairs, and the only way you can see at all is by squeezing your face against the window in Gene's room and closing one eye while you stand on tiptoe.
:Gene: It also helps to hold your breath or the glass fogs up.
:Bob: So, you have to close one eye and not breathe. Sounds like a good time.
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:(Tina tries perfecting her "whoo's" for the block party)
:Tina: Whooo.
:Louise: Ehh...
:Tina: Whoooo..?
:Louise: Hmm.
:Tina: Whooo-oo-oo.
:Louise: Getting there?
:Teddy: Sort of.
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:Bob: You know what? This-this will be good. We'll get a little business, maybe, and the Soul Breezers are great. And hearing them but not seeing them will be... fine. Just like listening to a record that's playing on speakers that are facing away from us.
:Louise: Well, I'm mad at the Soul Breezers. I know it's not their fault, but I still am.
:Gene: They're just too breezy.
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:(Linda comes from the back of the restaurant to get food for Little King Trashmouth)
:Linda: Hey, don't mind me. I'm just grabbing some buns for Little King Trashmouth. And a coffee. For me. King only drinks decaf. And wine. Full-bodied reds.
:Tina: How's he doing? You've been out there all morning.
:Louise: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you love us more than that raccoon, but sometimes I wonder.
:Gene: I'm okay with Little King Trashmouth being her favorite. He has those expressive hands! Like Jeff Goldblum.
:Louise: Oh, hush. Of course I love you guys more. Pretty sure. No, no, I do, I do...
:Tina: Phew.
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:Linda: Damn it. Why didn't I study to be a raccoon doctor?
:Teddy: That world is so cutthroat.
:Linda: Okay, I'm going back out.
:Teddy: (finishing his coffee & standing up) I'm going with you. I don't want Little King Trashmouth to think I only show up for him during the good times.
:(Linda and Teddy both exit through the back of the restaurant. Gene, Louise, & Tina finish wiping down the menus)
:Louise: Well, we better go upstairs to try to put some lipstick on this block party poop show. (to Gene) Figure out which pieces of laundry in your room are too terrible to leave lying around.
:Gene: Not the ones you'd expect.
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:(Tina tries sneaking away from Bob so she doesn't have to help him, but Bob catches her)
:Bob: Tina, where are you going?
:Tina: To... check on Little King Trashmouth?
:Bob: Oookay, but you're coming back, right?
:Tina: (lying) Yep, yep, totally. (edges towards the exit)
:Bob: Tina?
:Tina: Not the last you've seen of old Tina! (fake chuckles) Okay, bye. (leaves)
:Bob: (sighs) And then he was alone.
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:(Linda, Tina, and Teddy look at Little King Trashmouth lick his broken paw. Mr. Huggins watches from his apartment)
:Teddy: Uhh, poor guy.
:Linda: Yeah... licking his hurt paw. I don't think that's gonna fix it, King. (to Tina & Teddy) He's sweet, but he's dumb.
:Mr. Huggins: I saw him limp in there. I can't think of a sadder thing than that little guy limping. Oh, I just thought of one. Ooh, I just thought of another one! Ooh, oh they're coming fast and furious. Ooh.
:(Linda leaves the alley and returns to the restaurant to find food for Little King Trashmouth)
:Linda: No, I'm not gonna get him soup. I'll find something. Oh, also, I'm gonna pee.
:Teddy: Okay, Linda.
:Tina: Sounds good.
:Mr. Huggins: Thanks for not peeing in the alley! It's always nice when someone down there resists the temptation.
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:(Regular Sized Rudy comes to the Belcher's apartment for the block party. Louise leads him to Gene's room)
:Gene: (to Rudy) Right this way, sir.
:Louise: Ah, yes! Our usher.
:Gene': Welcome to the Premium Platinum Superfan Suite, aka Rumpshakers' Paradise.
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:(Linda returns to the alley with a pickle)
:Linda: I'm back! I got a pickle. Let's see if raccoons like pickles.
:(Linda tosses the pickle to Little King Trashmouth)
:Tina: A pickle a day is, um, good for raccoons?
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:Teddy: (to Linda) Uh, animal control isn't who you call when you wanna help an animal. They're more in the business of dealing with animals. That's why they call it "control."
:Linda: (confused) "Dealing..." with animals? What do you mean?
:Tina: Like disciplining them? Giving them time-outs?
:Teddy: No, like-- (pretends to slit his throat)
:Linda: Wait, what?!
:Tina: Oh, no!
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:(Linda calls animal control to stop them from coming)
:Linda: (to the respondent) Well, can't you just tell the animal control officers not to come? I-I don't think it was a raccoon. At all. Uh, I think it was just a...a wig! Someone's old wig shaking in the wind.
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:(Linda is in a panic because the animal control officers are coming)
:Teddy: No, no, no, Linda, don't be like that. We can, uh... we can catch Little King Trashmouth ourselves! Before animal control gets here.
:Linda: (confused) Wha?
:Teddy: If they can't find him, they can't take him! Right?
:Linda: Maybe... yeah.
:Teddy: Well, then, what are we waiting for?
:(Linda and Teddy both go back inside the restaurant)
:Tina: (to Teddy) Maybe some training on handling injured raccoons? So we don't get clawed or, or bitten? A lot? No? Yeah, it's probably fine.
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:(Ian enters Bob's Burgers)
:Bob: (to Ian) Sorry, uh, are you with one of the bands?
:Ian: Yeah, the Soul Breezers. How did you know?
:Bob: (looks at Ian's hat) Cause you look like a music guy. You have a hat.
:Ian: Well, thank you for noticing. I'm their road manager. I'm Ian.
:Bob: Oh, hi. I'm Bob. The Soul Breezers are great. I love their songs. I mean, their multiple songs. That I know.
:Ian: Mm.
:Bob: Also, it's kind of amazing. After all these years, they're still out there, doing what they love. It's inspiring.
:Ian: Ha.
:Bob: Why... "ha?"
:Ian: Ah-ha-ha.
:Bob: Why two ha's?
:Ian: I wouldn't say they love it.
:Bob: You wouldn't? Why?
:Ian: Because they're miserable.
:Bob: Oh.
:Ian: And broke. As am I.
:Bob: Oh.
:Ian: Wrote all about it in my memoir, Soul Tales from Beyond the Breeze. Still looking for a publisher. And maybe a computer so I can actually write it. If you have a spare computer, let me know.
:Bob: (leaving to cook Ian's burger) I-I don't think I do.
:Ian: Huh, pity. (looks at the counter's napkins) Are these napkins free to take? Lot of spills on the bus.
:Bob: Uhh, sure.
:Ian: And of course, toilet paper isn't cheap. (feeling the napkins between his fingers) Ooh, this is good stuff.
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:Teddy: They won't know where he went. They can torture us all they want. We're not gonna talk.
:Linda: I guess...
:Teddy: Unless they do fingernails. Or eyes. I-I can't handle anything in my eyes. Or sleep deprivation. I need my eight.
:Mr. Huggins: I won't talk. Unless they bribe me with some macaroons. (gasps) Oh, I love macaroons. If they have macaroons, (chuckles) y'all gonna have to forgive me.
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:Louise: (to Regular Sized Rudy, Arnold Evans, and Andy and Ollie Pesto) When you're our size, there's no such thing as a "clear view of the stage."
:Gene: You'll be out there watching the tall person butt show. And my friends, you won't want an encore.
:Andy Pesto: I can get on Ollie's shoulders!
:Ollie Pesto: And I can get on Andy's shoulders!
:Arnold Evans: Maybe I'll hop on their shoulders?
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:(Louise, Gene, and their guests go from Gene's room to the living room)
:Louise: (to Regular Sized Rudy, Arnold Evans, and Andy and Ollie Pesto) How do you like the sound of an all-access backstage pass? (cough-talking) Sort of. Look, the real show's happening back there. We're talking about human drama. Crazy stuff. Drugs maybe.
:Arnold Evans: Wow, that guy at the snack table sure seems to like what I think is black licorice?
:Gene: As addictive as any narcotic.
:Regular Sized Rudy: Huh, that lady's blowing her nose really hard.
:Andy Pesto: Let me see!
:Ollie Pesto: She really knows her way around a tissue.
:Louise: Yup, insiders-only stuff right there. So, what do you say we bring over the seats, and uh... keep the show rolling?
:Regular Sized Rudy: I don't know...
:Louise: We'll throw in snacks!
:Arnold Evans: Eh...
:Louise: And... other perks to be named later.
:Gene: Free Pelotons!
:Louise: Not free Pelotons.
:Andy Pesto: How about... we-get-to-sleep-in-your-bathtub?
:Ollie Pesto: OH, MY GOD. Yes.
:Louise: Uh... okay?
:Andy and Ollie Pesto: YAY!
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:(Bob looks at Linda haphazardly chop onions from the counter)
:Bob: (nervously) Uh, Linda, are-are you coming out here? Do you want me to go in there and cook?
:Linda: (inattentively) No, no, I'm cooking.
:Bob: I mean, I think you're just pushing onions around on the cutting board?
:Linda: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah, that's part of the process.
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:(Ian talks about Bob about how miserable his and the Soul Breezer's jobs are)
:Ian: (to Bob) And there's the endless travel to shabby, little towns. No offense.
:Bob: None... taken. I mean, some taken.
:Ian: And we sleep in tiny coffin-like beds on a bus that seems to somehow store farts forever.
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:Gene: T-shirts, get your t-shirts. (holding a t-shirt) This one's 30% cotton, but 100% rockin'.
:Arnold Evans: Is that... Magic Marker?
:Louise: What makes you say that?
:Arnold Evans: My eyes.
:Louise: Well, you could pay 25 bucks for a shirt down there, or three bucks worth of candy up here.
:Gene: Also, good luck finding youth sizes. Or fun Magic Marker fragrances.
:Regular Sized Rudy: I guess I'll take a shirt. (to Gene) Youth medium? (gives Louise candy in exchange for a shirt)
:Louise: Alriight! Wear it proudly, my medium-sized friend. Anybody else? (takes one of Gene's shirts) Ooh, this one comes with free... what I think might be cheese crumbs!
:Gene: Fancy.
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:Tina: Please don't be in this alley, Mr. Little King. I hope you went to the beach... where you... hopped to the freight train, and you're learning to play the harmonica right now?
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:Tina: (shouting to get Linda and Teddy's attention) Oh, no! I WON THE LOTTERY! I WON THE LOTTERY! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! DOES ANYONE WANNA SHARE IT? UH, COME ON OVER HERE. TO ME!
:Linda: Oh, boy.
:Teddy: Oh, my God. Good for Tina. No, wait, that's the distraction. Right, right, right, right, right. That's bad.
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:Tina: Maybe we use some of my lottery money to buy a helicopter and fly in..?
:Teddy: I'm so confused right now. Is that lottery stuff real?
:Tina: I don't know!
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:(Linda enters Barry's alcohol store to get to Little King Trashmouth)
:Linda: Hi, Barry! Just passing through!
:Barry: Oh... wine lady?
:Linda: Uh, yeah, it's Linda. You can call me that though.
:Barry: You want anything? Merlot?
:Linda: Ooh, Merlot! Uh, later, later.
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:Linda: (holding a box with Little King Trashmouth in it) Raccoon box coming through! Ooh, good song. I like it. Fuunky.
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:(The Soul Breezers start playing "Gas in my Car")
:Arnold Evans: Maybe it's just the Magic Marker smell making me dizzy, but I'm into this!
:Andy Pesto: This song makes me want to shake my potty parts!
:Ollie Pesto: They're all potty parts, honey.
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Category:Episode quotes