Fiery Jerkbuttery/Transcript

(The episode starts with the alarm clock beeping, Candle Man, not wanting anything to do with the alarm clock, sets it on fire and uses the frying pan to swing the alarm clock out of the room like a baseball. The cord rips out of the wall, and the remainder of the cord plugged in electrocutes Candle Man. The scene cuts to the alarm clock hitting the sun before it turns to dust. The scene then cuts back to Candle Man.)
Candle Man: (Acting very grumpy and tired at the same time as he raises his arm in the air..) Homerun... 
(The scene cuts to Candle Man in the middle of taking a shower, when the water stops coming out of the shower head. Candle Man looks at the shower head, and then cold water starts spraying at his face, getting the flame as well..)
Candle Man: Great. Now my flame will probably go out.
(The scene cuts to Candle Man opening the fridge to look for eggplants, only to find one single eggplant remaining, causing him to be even more grumpy..)
Candle Man: UUUUUUUUUUGH, there is only one eggplant in the fridge! (The eggplant starts to rot...)
(Meanwhile, Mystic, Shaduck and Limefong are eating their breakfasts, as they overhear Candle Man’s moaning.)
Shaduck: Get a load of Mr. Grumpy Pants, you guys. 
Limefong: Jeah, it seems like Candle Man was cursed with the beauty of grumpiness… but why is he grumpy, though?
Mystic: Dunno, but he should stop being grumpy. I should talk to him.
(Candle Man puts eggs in the frying pan, then smashes them with another. As Mystic walks up, Candle Man is seen waiting impatiently for his eggs to cook..)
Mystic: Hey, CM. Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?
Candle Man: I don’t want to talk about it, and I rather be grumpy alone. Now can’t you leave me be, thank you very much?
Mystic: Oh come on, Candle Man, I just want to see what’s bothering you. 
Candle Man: I SAID, LEAVE ME ALONE! I don’t wanna talk about it!
Mystic: Alright, alright, geez! 
(Mystic walks back to Shaduck and Limefong.)
Shaduck: So he’d rather be alone than talk, hm?
Mystic: Yeah...I seriously wonder what’s up with him. Maybe we should give him his favorite stuff to get him to talk about it. 
Limefong: Jeah! That’s a great idea!
Shaduck: Let’s dew it!
(Scene cuts to Candle Man flipping through the channels on the TV, trying to find something to watch. Teddy Mouse is thrown at him from offscreen..)
Candle Man: What the flip?! Who decided to throw my baby at me?!
(Mystic sits down next down to Candle Man, and hands him a basket full of eggplants. He looks over at Mystic.)
Mystic: Eggplants, my Candle Man?
Candle Man: Where on Fandax did you get those eggplants when there was only one in the fridge last time I checked?
Mystic: I just bought them for you.
Candle Man: Is this for me to talk about my grumpiness?
Mystic: (Lying.) No, I’m just trying to be nice.  
Candle Man: (Sees right through Mystic’s lie.) And to get me to talk about why I’m so grumpy today...
Mystic: (Trying not to admit that she was lying...) Uuuuuh…
Candle Man: Look, I know what you, Lime and Shaduck are trying to do. I am not talking about it, SO JUST LEAVE ME BE! 
Mystic: Do you want the eggplants? 
Candle Man: Yes. (Stuffs them all into his mouth.) Now can you leave me be now?
Mystic: Fine.
(Scene cuts to Mystic, Limefong and Shaduck in Mystic’s room, still trying to think of ideas to get Candle Man to talk, Luna sleeping on Mystic’s nightstand.)
Mystic: What are we supposed to do now? 
Limefong: Dunno… let’s think of something that would always make him talk!
Mystic: (Pulls out a gun.) How about we point this at him and tell I’ll shoot if he doesn’t talk.
Shaduck/Limefong: OH, HECK NO!
Limefong: Mystic, why would you think of something like that?!
Mystic: Well, we need to get him to talk one way or another… (Shrugs.)
Shaduck: Also, how did you get a gun?!
Mystic: My dad owned it, but does that matter right now? No, it does not!
Limefong: (Whispering to Shaduck.) She’s flipping crazy.
Mystic: (Walking out with the gun.) Aight, let’s get this candle talking. 
(Scene cuts to Candle Man taking a nap on his bed. Mystic is heard whistling to get Candle Man’s attention. Candle Man opens one of his eyes to see Mystic pointing the gun at Candle Man, his eyes growing wide.)
Mystic: Why hello, CM. How was that nap? 
Candle Man: It’s like… this day is flat out terrible, including this nap I just had… WAIT, IS THAT A GUN YOU HAVE?!
Mystic: Why yes it is, and it’s loaded too.
Candle Man: BUT WHY WOULD YOU WANNA- (Realizes.) Oh. Trying to get me to talk. Aren’t you?
(Mystic shoots it at Candle Man’s nightstand lamp.)
Candle Man: WHAT THE FLIP?!
Mystic: Speak to me, or you’re getting shot!
(Candle Man doesn’t say anything. Instead, he grabs the gun and burns it to dust.)
Candle Man: I’M NEVER GONNA TALK!
Mystic: We just want to know what’s wrong with you!
Candle Man: (Inhales.) Look. I’m gonna say it in the nicest way possible, but… sorry, but I do not wanna talk about it, and I wanna be left alone.
Mystic: Even for a million dollars?
Candle Man: Nope…
Mystic: A million eggplants?
Candle Man: (Begins to think about it.) Ooh, egg-(regains his attitude.) no, and please, would you mind getting out of my room? And leaving me be?!
Mystic: Or else what will happen to your lovely dovely Mystical?
Candle Man: Nothing! But still… leave me alone.
Mystic: Nah, I rather be with you than being alone. 
(Candle Man is getting annoyed by Mystic.)
Candle Man: Please! Get out of my room… I don’t wanna get annoyed to the point of burning you to dust!
Mystic: (Coming close to Candle Man as she hugs him.) No, I love my Candle Man and I hate to see him upset, just tell me what’s wrong.
Candle Man: Aw, that’s nice… but I don’t really wanna talk about it… it’s a bit… eh. And to be honest, you trying to get me to talk about it kinda reminds me even more of that jerk fish you hang out with.
(Shaduck and Limefong come in.)
Limefong: So, uh, Mystic, did you get him to talk?
Mystic: Well, he did say it’s even worse than Darwin could ever be… but either way, he didn’t say that much about it, so how bad could it be?
Candle Man: A million times worse.
Limefong: Like if Darwin was a demon who would ruin your life in some form?
Candle Man: NO! It has nothing to do with him, so stop guessing…
Shaduck: But why don’t you wanna tell us?
Candle Man: I just don’t!
Mystic: Come on, you can tell us…
Candle Man: Can’t you guys just… leave me alone and stop forcing me to answer?!
Mystic: Not until we figure out what’s wrong with you!
Luna: You can tell us, champ!
Candle Man: No, I’m not gonna tell you guys why I’m grumpy period.
Mystic/Shaduck/Limefong/Luna: TELL US, CANDLE MAN! IT’S JUST A QUESTION, ANSWER US!
Candle Man: (Is about to reach his breaking point.) CAN’T YOU FLIPPING TAKE “NO” FOR AN ANSWER?!
Mystic/Shaduck/Limefong/Luna: TELL US, TELL US, TELL US!  
(Candle Man reaches his breaking point. He turns into Lava Man, an alter-ego never seen before. Everyone is shocked and takes a step back.)
Lava Man: WOULD IT TURN YOU GUYS TO DUST TO TAKE “NO” FOR A FLIPPING ANSWER?!
Shaduck: ...Did you just… turn into…
Lava Man: YEP, THE NAME’S LAVA MAN NOW! TIME TO BURN Y’ALL TO DUST FOR BEING SO ANNOYING AND TRYING TO FORCE AN ANSWER OUT OF ME!
Shaduck: I have an idea. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 
(They escape out of the room, but they discover that Lava Man can also run at the speed of light.)
Mystic: HE STILL HAS THE SPEED OF LIGHT?!
Limefong: It appears so.
Luna: But how are we supposed to calm him down now when he’s literal lava?!
Lava Man: SIMPLE, YOU AREN’T! (Creates a lava puddle under Mystic, Shaduck, and Limefong.) Bye bye!
Mystic: OH FOR GALAXIA’S SAKE!
(Mystic, Shaduck, and Limefong notice they are sinking..)
Limefong: Our leader just killed us...
Shaduck: I got this! 
(Shaduck teleports himself, Mystic, and Limefong out of the lava puddle.)
Mystic: Thanks. Now does anyone have an idea to get him to cool off?
Shaduck: Go get a hose, that oughta do it.
Limefong: That’s an awful suggestion, but Mystic is right… but how are we gonna calm this maniac down?!
Luna: Beats me. If I was Candle Man, I would’ve just snuggled up with Teddy Mouse whilst stuffing my face in eggplants, maybe watching the Candy Cat show. 
Limefong: Or just nicely asking him to cool off.
Shaduck: Good luck with that idea. 
(Limefong comes up to Lava Man.)
Limefong: (Sweetly.) Hey, CM, (lifts up a mirror, Candle Man in the reflection.) we know you're in there, can’t you calm down before you decide to kill us all?
Lava Man: You think sweet talk will help me calm down, don't you?
Limefong: To be honest, yeah.
Lava Man: (Creating a lava shockwave knocking everyone back into the wall and shattering the mirror.) WELL IT WON’T FOR ME!
Shaduck: Well, we now know that Limefong’s doggy-sweetness doesn’t work against him when he’s ticked off. 
Mystic: Does anyone else have an idea?
Lava Man: Yep, and it’s to BLOW YOU ALL UP!
(Lava Man throws a beam of lava the Main 4.)
Lava Man: AHAHAHAHAHA! Y’ALL DIED, AND I DON’T HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU GUYS ANYMORE!
(However, everyone survived by Mystic putting up a force field surrounding everyone.)
Mystic: What the flip… DID YOU JUST TRY TO EXPLODE US?!
Limefong: Indeed he did. 
Mystic: ALL WE WANTED WAS FOR YOU TO ANSWER A FLIPPING QUESTION, AND YET YOU LEGIT ENDED UP WANTING US TO DIE, CM!
(Mystic shows Lava Man another mirror that she has on her, Candle Man still on the other side of the mirror.)
Mystic: THIS IS NOT LIKE YOU! YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN! GIVE US A SIGN YOUR STILL THERE!
Candle Man: (From the other side of the mirror.) Wow, is this what I’ve become?! And all because of me being a grumpy jerkbutt and not wanting to talk about it to you guys?
Mystic: Yep, this is what you have become.
(Lava Man slowly begins to turn back to Candle Man, slowly calming down.)
Shaduck: I’m not a scientist, but… is he actually calming down?
Luna: It appears so.
Shaduck: Good, we all live another day.
(Lava Man has turned back to Candle Man, with Lava Man now seen in the mirror.)
Candle Man: And now I’m back to normal…
Mystic: So, do you now feel like telling us why you were grumpy today, CM?
Candle Man: I guess now I’m fine with letting you guys know…
Limefong: So, why were you grumpy, then?
Candle Man: Today it’s two years and a half after… (Shakes just from the thought.) Oh god, just remembering him makes me anxious…
Shaduck: “Him”? Who is this “him”?
Candle Man: ...It’s UCP... 
Mystic: Wait so you were grumpy because of UCP?
Candle Man: Yeah. 
Mystic: Apparently he still causes trouble even if he’s dead… though the fact the Spammers want to revive him doesn’t help.
Shaduck: If they are successful, I hope they kill you Mystic. 
Candle Man: UCP ALREADY DIED ONCE! NO NEED TO DO IT AGAIN!
(A brief flashback to UCP’s reign of terror is shown and UCP laughs maniacally. Cuts back to present, where Candle Man shudders from the thought.)
Candle Man: And that’s probably not the only thing he destroyed...
Mystic: Well, be thankful that jerk brought us closer together. For better or for (looks at Shaduck) worse.
Candle Man: (Groans.) Would it make you two go the way of UCP to actually try to be friends?! YOU TWO WOULD SOONER TELL ME TO TURN YOU GUYS TO DUST THAN BE FRIENDS!
(Mystic lifts up a card resembling the famous Uno reverse card.)
Mystic: Well, I do have this. 
Candle Man: (Sighs.) Just… make an effort to be friends with each other.
Mystic/Shaduck: NEVER!
Candle Man: (To himself.) Today has been a loooong day. (Deadpan.) I’m going to bed.
Limefong: It’s 2:00pm!
Candle Man: Do I look like I care?! And speaking of evil people, I wonder what those Spam Flippers are up to…
(Cuts to the Spammers’ lair.)
Whickey: Hey, did you hear that explosion?
Kitchen: What explosion?
Whickey: I dunno. Did any of you hear it?
(Silence.)
The Spammers: Nope.
Whickey: Oh, well.
(The episode ends.)
Category:Transcripts
Category:Candle Man & Friends
Category:Season 1