My child is a murderer.

My child is a murderer. is season 3 episode 2 of I hate my child..
==Synopsis==
Zoltan joins the mafia to save himself. Meanwhile, Golf opens a lemonade stand. Also, Bot starts cooking meth.
==Transcript==
[Establishing shot of the I hate my child. household. Zoltan is in the living room, nailing large pieces of wood over the window.]
Cactus: Why are you blocking off all the windows again? I’m a plant, I need sunlight.
Zoltan: There’s no time, man! I need to make sure the left-wing liberals can’t find me! And by left-wing liberals I mean SpingeBill.
Crazy: I think you’re just being crazy, and that’s usually my thing. Woof.
Zoltan: Don’t you guys get it?! The woke brigade is after us! …and by the woke brigade I mean SpingeBill’s gang of deadly dentist terrorists. 
Jarvis: Not gonna lie, the woke left being after us sounds more plausible than a terrorist group who also happen to all be dentists.
Zoltan: Hey, this is dead serious! SpingeBill’s the modern Osama bin Laden! My life is on the line here!
Cactus: What did you do to piss off a terrorist organisation anyway?
Zoltan: I killed some guy called Lenny and stole his identity so I could be a dentist.
Cactus: …yeah that sounds like a Zoltan thing to do.
Zoltan: I didn’t know dentists were involved with terrorism!
Crazy: Wait, wait, wasn’t there like a… mafia guy or something in this neighborhood?
Zoltan: You mean that CartoonGuy chick? I don’t know, last time he burned down an entire building.
Jarvis: Hey, that’s my son! I didn’t know he was a member of the mafia though. Good for him, good for him.
Zoltan: What does this have to do with my situation though?
Crazy: I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud but maybe the dentist gang might leave you alone if you somehow got the mafia behind you.
Zoltan: That’s… actually a decent idea. Thanks, Crazy!
[Zoltan walks off-screen further into the house.]
Crazy: That’s… (a tear falls from his eye) that’s the first time anyone’s ever said “thanks” to me.
[Zoltan walks back into the shot wearing a full set of knight armor.]
Zoltan: I’m gonna go talk to CartoonGuy.
[Zoltan leaves; Cactus turns to Jarvis]
Cactus: …You didn’t know that your son was a mafia member? He’s like…………………….. one of the big ones…………….
Jarvis: I have like 20 sons and 12 rugby games to focus on, give me a break, okay?
Cactus: 20?
Jarvis: My wife cheats on me with other men.
Smooth voiceover: Womp womp.
[Cut to Zoltan breaking into CartoonGuy’s house through the window]
CartoonGuy: Come on, that was my favourite window, man!
Zoltan: Eh, fugget about it!
[Epic sauce laughter!]
CartoonGuy: Zoltan? Why are you dressed like you’re from the medieval times?!
Zoltan: I need to protect myself. The dentists are after me…
CartoonGuy: THE dentists?
Zoltan: Yuh.
CartoonGuy: Damn, sorry dude. Once SpingeBill’s after you, you’re kinda fucked. Why did you come here and damage my property like that though?
Zoltan: You’re part of the mafia, right?
CartoonGuy: Zoltan, you know not all Italians have mafia connections, right? That is a harmful and rude stereotype.
Zoltan: But you do have mafia connections, right?
CartoonGuy: Yeah.
Zoltan: Do you think they could maybe protect me?!
CartoonGuy: What? The mafia doesn’t just protect anyone for nothing.
Zoltan: But- But- I’m your best friend!
CartoonGuy: I mean… I guess I could ask if you could join the mafia, maybe. We could use an extra hand to do the dishes and massage the boss’ feet and stuff.
Zoltan: That’s more of a job for my idiot brother. I want to be a murderer!
CartoonGuy: Okay, fine, maybe I could vouch for you being given a slightly higher but still low tier rank.
[Zoltan pumps his fist in the air.]
Zoltan: Yippee!
CartoonGuy: But the mafia is dead serious, Zoltan. They’re not just gonna let you waltz right in and join just like that.
[Cut to Zoltan and CartoonGuy at the mafia base.]
Mafia Boss: Alright, so we’re just gonna let you waltz right in and join just like that.
Zoltan: Frickin’ sweet.
CartoonGuy: What the hell?! It took like a month of me doing trials and proving my loyalty and shit for you to let me join!
Mafia Boss: Yeah, but this guy’s Hungarian. We could use him for the diversity quota.
Zoltan: Let’s go! I’m a statistic!
CartoonGuy: I’m diverse too! I’m literally Italian!
Mafia Boss: Mate, it’s the mafia. We’re all literally Italian here.
Zoltan: Yo, I was right! I guess being racist really pays off.
CartoonGuy: I’m going to kill myself.
Zoltan: You know, this reminds me of the time I went to get my car washed!
[Cutaway to the Zoltan at the “Car Wash,” getting his car washed]
Zoltan: (looks up, and points) Hey, what’s tha-
[A bus crashes into his car. A man emerges from the window of the bus, holding a pizza]
PizzaGuy27: Pizza time.
Zoltan: Oh, you think this is funny?
[Cut to Golf and Aaron’s house]
Golf: I’m going to be productive today.
Aaron: Really? How so?
Golf: I’m going to start a new business…. I will get MILLIONS!
Prim: Ah, I see you’ve also discovered the amazing world of OnlyFans.
Golf: No, you stupid cat. I’ll be starting a lemonade stand!
Aaron: Selling lemonade isn’t gonna make you a millionaire.
Golf: Uh, how would you know? All you do is listen to those idiotic songs over and over again. They drive me crazy.
Aaron: I am a professional lawyer, I just don’t get any clients.
Golf: Maybe you would get more clients if you stopped repeatedly listening to that song about counting sheep in the sky. I swear, everytime you listen to that I hear someone eating chips as well.
Aaron: hm
Prim: I don’t think that’s the sound of chips.
Golf: This lemonade stand is gonna be a great success. You will all realise that I was right all along…you shall all bow in front of the CEO of Lemonade Studios.
Aaron: I thought it was called Banana Studios.
Golf: I’ve realised that bananas are unproductive.
Aaron: What about strawberries?
Golf: They’re VERY productive. But if I sell them then I won’t be able to eat them anymore. That’s why I am selling lemonade.
Prim: Talk about filler, Patrick.
Golf: Well, off I go.
[Golf goes outside to his already set up lemonade stand]
Golf: buy lemonade please.
[A duck walks up to the lemonade stand]
Golf: Oooh! My first customer! Welcome!
[And he says to the man running the stand:]
Duck: Hey! 
[Bum bum bum.]
Duck: Got any grapes?
[The man says:]
Golf: No, we just sell lemonade. But it’s cold and it’s fresh and it’s all homemade! Can I get you a glass?
[The duck says:]
Duck: I’ll pass.
[And he waddles away. Waddle waddle. And he waddles away. Waddle waddle.]
Golf: Huh.
[Cut to Bot in university]
Mr. Baker: Boring, boring, boring. Do you know who’s boring? Me.
Bot: This is quite boring.
Mr. Baker: Well, the bell is about to ring. I can’t wait to cook meth.
Bot: Huh? Travis, Liz, did you hear-
[Pan-out to reveal Travis and Liz are sleeping]
Bot: Maybe I’m going crazy.
Smooth voiceover: Sponge.
Mr. Baker: Bot, could you come here for a minute?
Bot: I don’t think I want to.
Mr. Baker: But I’m having some problems on my computer.
Bot: Aren’t you the technology guy here?
Mr. Baker: Will you just come here?
Bot: (in Talking Ben voice) Ugh.
[Bot walks up to Mr. Baker]
Mr. Baker: Okay, so a bunch of my files just disappeared.
Bot: Uh, you should check the recycle bin.
Mr. Baker: Alright.
[Mr. Baker opens the recycle bin; only Bot’s facial expression of pure disgust and terror are shown]
Bot: Dude what the fuck?! Those are children!
Mr. Baker: Yes! Anyway, do you wanna make meth?
Bot: What?!
Mr. Baker: Come on, Jesse. You know the business, and I know the chemistry.
Bot: You are a pedophile.
Mr. Baker: You’re goddamn right. But everyone knows that I’ve got no ulterior motives here and I’m telling you the truth. I just want to cook meth to make some good money. Teachers are really underpaid.
Bot: And I’m really underage.
Mr. Baker: Precisely!
Bot: Look, Mr. Baker, I’ve been to prison once. It wasn’t pretty, I was forced to stay there for like… a while.
Mr. Baker: Yes, yes. Renaud’s already told me about that.
Bot: Renaud? As in… Paul Renaud? …Paul Renaud from my old school? You know him?
Mr. Baker: Let’s just say… he’s my colleague.
Bot: Oh god oh f*ck.
[Cut to Zoltan and CartoonGuy]
Zoltan: Okay, so, I’m not saying this mafia business isn’t really cool or anything, because it totally is, but when do I get to have a machete?
[CartoonGuy beats Zoltan’s face with a machete]
Zoltan: Ow.
CartoonGuy: Patience. Do you think people just have power and wealth given to them on a silver platter?
Zoltan: Elon Musk did.
CartoonGuy: Elon Musk is a bigot.
Zoltan: Yes, and?
CartoonGuy: This is the mafia. We might be murderers, but we’re not republicans. Just look at Gay Tony over there!
Gay Tony: [gay noises]
Zoltan: Wow, what a progressive community.
CartoonGuy: You will get yourself a big boy machete in time. For now, the boss said you could have this.
[CartoonGuy hands Zoltan a water pistol.]
Zoltan: …the fuck am I meant to do with this?
CartoonGuy: It’s your official mafia gun. You shoot it and it goes bang bang.
Zoltan: But this is a toy for children!
CartoonGuy: Every great mafia member needs to start somewhere.
[Cut to Zoltan sulking in the mafia gender neutral bathroom.]
Zoltan: This is bullshit. (mockingly) “Every great mafia member needs to start somewhere.” I want a machete! What was it my mum always used to say?
[Flashback to Zoltan’s Mum talking to Zoltan as a child.]
Zoltan’s Mum: If fish can have a machete, then so can I!
[Zoltan’s Mum cuts down a part of their house with the machete; cut back to the present.]
Zoltan: I know! I just need to make the rest of the mafia gang respect me! Then I can have a machete! …but how am I meant to do that?
[Two mafia members enter the gender neutral bathroom and start pissing down the urinals.]
Mafia member 1: Yo Abuelita, I can’t fucking believe the rugby score last night.
Mafia member 2: Yeah, Argentina fucked us over real bad.
Mafia member 1: It’s all that fucking Jarvis Zagna’s fault. He carries the entire team. God, I’d give anything for someone to kill him.
Mafia member 2: Even your machete?
Mafia member 1: Yuh.
[A lightbulb appears over Zoltan’s head.]
Zoltan: I know! Maybe if I kill the mafia boss everyone will fear me!
[The two mafia members look at Zoltan]
Zoltan: The just kidding star! I’d never do that. I love our boss!
Mafia member 1: Yeah doesn’t seem suspicious at all.
[The mafia members walk off]
Zoltan: Okay, nevermind. Killing the boss would just get me in more trouble. Wait… weren’t they talking about morbillionaire Jarvis Zagna? I know that guy! If I kill him, I’ll get my machete! I'm going to murder Jarvis Zagna!
[Zoltan walks out as well; cut to Golf at his lemonade stand, Prim is next to him. An ice cream truck drives by]
Golf: Stupid ice cream truck.
Prim: Now you’re sounding just like Zoltan’s husband.
Golf: Quiet, pussycat. We have had no other customers apart from that stupid duck. We need better marketing.
Prim: Maybe you should expand your horizons.
[Prim places some lasagna on the lemonade stand. Suddenly, a crowd of people surrounds the lemonade stand]
Golf: WHAT?! But lasagna is unproductive!
Prim: Yeah, you’re right. 
[Prim devours all of the lasagna, making the entire crowd of people turn to dust]
Golf: That’s troubling.
Prim: The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Golf: None of this would be happening if Biden wouldntof stolen that stupid election…
[Cut to Bot and Mr. Baker inside an RV in the desert]
Bot: Wait… hold on! You said we were going to Halle Berry’s house.
Mr. Baker: Well, I lied. Just like I did when I got this teaching job and they asked me if I like kids.
Bot: Okay… so why are we in an RV in the middle of nowhere?
Mr. Baker: To make meth of course.
Bot: I don’t think this is a very good idea. What if the police find us or something? They’re already after me for pirating Sofia the First…
Mr. Baker: Pffft, the police won’t find us. I have been hiding from them for decades, and they’ve never caught me. So are you gonna help me make meth or what?
Bot: What’s in it for me?
Mr. Baker: I know where Hitogata is.
[Bot starts putting on one of those chemistry masks from Breaking Bad or whatever.]
Bot: I’m in.
[A montage plays of Mr. Baker and Bot cooking meth, with the Skibidi Toilet theme song in the background; after the montage ends, Bot and Mr. Baker calculate how much meth they have produced]
Bot: Okay so this should be around… 5 whole grams.
Mr. Baker: Good enough. Now we just need to sell it.
Bot: And to whom exactly?
Mr. Baker: Well I have a bunch of pedophile friends. I think they would appreciate the drugs. I already gave them some LSD earlier.
Bot: Look, I already helped you make all this stuff. Can’t you just show me where Hitogata is and I can go home?
Mr. Baker: Okay, maybe I lied about Hitogata.
Bot: Fuck you. I’m out of here.
[Mr. Baker points a gun at Bot]
Bot: Nevermind, I guess I can stay.
[Brooklyn T. Guy from SML shows up; the audience applauds]
Brooklyn T. Guy: What is going on here?
Bot: omg brooklyn t guy
Mr. Baker: Oh hey, police officer.
[Mr. Baker hands Bot the gun]
Mr. Baker: SHOOT HIM RIGHT IN THE HEAD!
Bot: OKAY OKAY
[Bot shoots Brooklyn T. Guy multiple times, causing him to die]
Bot: (heavy breathing) That was certainly CRAZY!!!!!
Mr. Baker: …
Bot: Are you not gonna say it?
Mr. Baker: …Actually, I just remembered. Could you fix my computer problem?
Bot: No. I’m not looking at that laptop again.
Mr. Baker: No no, you just need to remove them. In fact, I need to wipe the whole hard drive.
Bot: And how am I supposed to help with that?
Mr. Baker: Well, I assume you know at least one guy who knows how to wipe everything off of a laptop.
Bot: Well, I know this pig. He’s pretty smart.
Mr. Baker: Perfect…
[Cut to Zoltan arriving at his house]
Zoltan: Ah, well that was certainly a nice first day at the job.
Crazy: Hi Zoltan!!!! Did you join the mafia?
Zoltan: Yuh.
Cactus: fffffffffffffffffffffffff
[Jarvis comes out of the shower]
Jarvis: Hey Zolt. Working hard or hardly working?
Zoltan: Oh hi Jarvis.
Jarvis: What’s wrong?
Zoltan: (in Breaking Bad Todd voice) Just so you know, this isn’t personal.
[Zoltan throws his watergun directly at Jarvis’ head, causing him to faint; Zoltan takes out his wallet]
Zoltan: Dude, this is like a morbillion dollars!
Cactus: Zoltan, did you just kill Jarvis?
Zoltan: Nah, he’s fine.
[Jarvis returns to conscientiousness]
Jarvis: Whoa, that was kinda unnecessary. I have a rugby game in like-
[Crazy shoots Jarvis in the head]
Crazy: Now he’s dead.
Zoltan: You really are a crazy sponge!
[Laugh track and applause from the audience]
Zoltan: Now it’s time to get my machete!
[Zoltan takes a picture of Jarvis’ dead body and enthusiastically leaves the house]
Cactus: The hell was that?
Crazy: Murder.
Cactus: Crazy, aren’t you worried that Zoltan might be headed down a bad path?
Crazy: I just shot a man.
[Cut to Zoltan entering the mafia base]
Zoltan: Guys! Guys! You won’t believe this! I just killed Jarvis Zagna!
[Zoltan shows them his phone which has a picture of Jarvis Zagna’s corpse]
CartoonGuy: (spits out drink) WHAT?!
Mafia member 1: Hell yeah! That guy sucked! He ruined all rugby games he played in.
CartoonGuy: DUDE, YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KILL MY DAD!
Zoltan: Wait, I thought 46th president of the United States of America Joe Biden, also known as PoopFan, was your father.
CartoonGuy: what
Mafia boss: Wow… How’d you manage to kill him with just a water gun?
Zoltan: They’re more dangerous than you think. So, where’s my machete?
[CartoonGuy grabs Zoltan and starts choking him]
CartoonGuy: I’M GONNA KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!
Mafia boss (offscreen): Hold it right there!
[Everyone turns around as the mafia boss enters the scene. CartoonGuy stops choking Zoltan]
Mafia boss: Show me the picture.
[Zoltan shows the mafia boss the picture on his phone]
Mafia boss: That looks like AI.
Zoltan: No, I swear, I killed him!
Mafia boss: I won’t believe it unless I see it with my own eyes. Take me to the corpse.
[Cut to Golf at the lemonade stand, while Aaron and Prim are playing chess next to him]
Aaron: This is what I call the “sheep in disguise”.
[Aaron punches Prim and moves his Rook to B4 on the chessboard]
Aaron: I believe that’s a checkmate.
Prim: Whatever, this chess thing is gay and homosexual… Grrr… How I hate them….
[A kid walks up to Golf’s lemonade stand]
Kid: Hi Mr. Penguin. Can I get a lemonade please?
Golf: Uh… No.
Kid: Why not?
Golf: This lemonade is for true and honest Trumpers like me! No brainwashed liberals.
Kid: What’s a trump?
Golf: GET OUT OF HERE!
[The kid runs away crying]
Golf: Filthy immigrant.
Prim: Dude, I think Golf is going insane.
Aaron: Yeah he’s been crazy for quite a while now. Only recently did he become a Trumper though.
Golf: Percy showed me the truth.
Prim: Who the hell is Percy?
[Golf vores Prim]
Aaron: what the fuck
Golf: augh im so full
Aaron: Golf, are you okay?
Golf: If no one buys my lemonade, I will!
[Golf eats some coins and starts drinking his lemonade, but he soon realises there is no lemonade left]
Golf: What? Have I been drinking all my lemonade?
[He notices traces of LSD on the floor]
Golf: Huh.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
Aaron: You shouldn’t have done that, Golf. Sinners will pay.
[Golf starts dancing among sheep]
Golf: Yeah Aaron let’s dance!!!!
[Aaron eats chips in his face, then melts into the ground]
Golf: You can’t die at 71. The age is young. But the human body is fragile, like a vase held by a chameleon.
[Golf drifts away in a rocketship; cut to Bot and Mr. Baker next to a giant magnet, Daddy Pig is there; audience applause]
Bot: Are you sure this is the best way to get rid of a laptop?
Daddy Pig: Of course! Trust me, I’m a bit of an expert at destroying hard drives.
Bot: I’m just not gonna question why you’ve presumably done this before.
Mr. Baker: So what do we do?
Daddy Pig: Just place the laptop there, and when I turn on the giant magnet, it will get rid of everything on the hard drive. Alright, everyone ready?
Bot: Ye.
Kanye West: Did somebody call me-
[Kanye gets crushed by an anvil]
Daddy Pig: Alright, well, FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[Daddy Pig pulls a lever, turning the magnet on. The magnetic forces wipe everything off the laptop, causing it to turn off]
Mr. Baker: Yup, that did it.
Bot: YEAH BITCH! Magnets!
Mr. Baker: Now the police won’t find my child porn!
Daddy Pig: wait wut
Bot: Wow, thanks, Daddy Pig. You’re a great guy…….
Mr. Baker: I agree with that.
Daddy Pig: You’re very much welcome.
[Daddy Pig leaves.]
Bot: What a great guy.
Mr. Baker: Let’s sell the meth now.
Bot: Oh right.
[Cut to Zoltan, CartoonGuy and the mafia boss entering Zoltan’s house, recurring I hate my child. character Police Officer Skittles is there]
Zoltan: Oh, hello Mr. Police Officer Skittles.
Skittles: God damn it Zoltan, why is there a dead body in your house?
Zoltan: Oh no! It appears that Jarvis Zagna has, uh, killed himself!
Skittles: Really?
CartoonGuy: Skittles, don’t believe him! He-
Crazy: YUP. Jarvis went inside the bathroom, pulled out a gun and shot himself.
Zoltan: Just like JewWario!
Mafia boss: Oh dear. I really liked that guy. What a shame.
Skittles: Where’s the gun then?
Crazy: It evaporated along with Jarvis’ soul.
Skittles: Do you think I’m stupid?
[Zoltan pulls out a 1 million dollar bill from Jarvis’ wallet]
Zoltan: Just don’t tell anyone, okay?
Skittles: Whoa! Of course, duder!
[Skittles walks out and walks past Golf and Cici’s house; Golf is passed out on the front yard]
Skittles: Hey Golf!
[Cut back to Zoltan and gang in the house]
Mafia boss: Well, Zoltan, I guess you did take out Jarvis.
Crazy: WHAT? NO! I WAS THE ONE WHO-
[Mafia boss throws a brick at Crazy]
Mafia boss: Now, where’s my cut of the money?
[Zoltan takes out a 1 billion dollar bill and gives it to him]
Mafia boss: Ah, thank you. And as a reward, I shall give you…
[The mafia boss pulls out a machete]
Mafia boss: A machete! Take it. You deserve it.
Zoltan: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD YES!!!!!!!!!
Mafia boss: Now the whole mafia will defend you no matter what. If you ever need our help, just yell “FRAGGLE!!!!!”
Zoltan: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
CartoonGuy: What happens to the body now?
Zoltan: Eh, just cremate it. I don’t have that much money for a funeral.
[CartoonGuy collapses on Jarvis’ body and begins sobbing]
Mafia boss: Well, I shall leave now. Be good, my children. Goodbye, farewell and Amen.
[The mafia boss leaves Zoltan’s house as angelic music plays; CartoonGuy and Zoltan are left alone]
CartoonGuy: …YOU!
[CartoonGuy and Zoltan chase each other around the house like Tom & Jerry; cut to 16th century China]
16th century Chinese man: 我確實喜歡生活在十六世紀的中國。
16th century Chinese man 2: 我討厭我的孩子。
[Golf appears]
Golf: Hey ancestors! I love China. I am the business goose.
[All of 16th century China stares at Golf, visibly judging him. Golf begins crying like a baby, akin to Patrick Star in “Reef Blower”. Suddenly, the whole place is flooded with water. Everyone goes underwater]
Tu am or c can bre París Pero me escapé hacia as da al mang a s tumbas de la gloria Gloria Gloria a h mi n jardín Pero me escapé ia r, que n un b llega todo el t ejam a otr ida enda , todo, todo un ue te ha do un Gloria llega h e dejes caer e n isma c que no me dejes caer En las tu a siempre antarPara lo que fue un día mi vida Como u
[Golf rises]
Golf: The penguin I am is the penguin I will be!
[Golf starts swimming majestically, as Beethoven’s tenth symphony plays]
Golf: The world is at my command.
[Golf rises into the sky, becoming one with the sun. Suddenly, the water turns yellow]
Golf: Whoops. I didn’t reach the Skibidi toilet. 
Not very smooth voiceover: Bro, lemonade.
Golf: Ah yes! Splendid idea! A lemonade stand will surely be succesful!
[Golf goes outside to his already set up lemonade stand]
Golf: buy lemonade please.
Golf: Huh.
[A duck walks up to the lemonade stand]
Golf: Oooh! My first customer! Welcome!
[And he says to the man running the stand:]
Duck: Hey! 
[Bum bum bum.]
Duck: Got any grapes?
[The man says:]
Golf: Huh.
Golf: No, we just sell lemonade. But it’s cold and it’s fresh and it’s all homemade! Can I get you a glass?
[The duck says:]
Duck: I’ll pass.
[And he waddles away. Waddle waddle. And he waddles away. Waddle waddle.]
Golf: Huh.
Golf: Huh.
[Cut to a pig and a warthog drinking tea together]
Pig: So you see my friend, this cup of tea is exactly like life. Empty. Devoid of any meaning.
Warthog: My friend, I’m afraid that’s impossible. A cup of tea can’t be empty.
Pig: Whatever do you mean?
Warthog: If a cup of tea was empty, it wouldn’t be a cup of tea. It would be just a cup.
Pig: But I drank the tea, so it is now empty.
Warthog: You drank the tea, right? Did you enjoy drinking it?
Pig: Very much so.
Warthog: That’s good. Life is made of little things like that.
Pig: But it has no meaning, my friend. Yeah, sure, I drank the tea, but without the tea, a cup is just a cup. Empty and devoid of meaning. Like life!
Warthog: Who filled the cup with tea?
Pig: I did.
Warthog: There you go.
Pig: What are you referring to?
Warthog: The cup, like life, had no meaning. But then, you filled it with tea. Just like you’re the one who gives meaning to your life.
Pig: …
Warthog: And sure, maybe life does have no meaning, but at the end of the day, do you really need a meaning? Isn’t it better to just enjoy it while it lasts? If life has no meaning, we can make it have meaning in our own way. If a cup is empty, you can fill it with tea, and drink it.
[The warthog finishes drinking their cup of tea]
Warthog: Ah, splendid. Should we go get some more tea?
Pig: Actually, I was thinking we could try drinking lemonade. It is quite a hot day, after all.
Warthog: Brilliant idea, my friend.
[Flashing lights of many colors start flashing, blinding you permanently. Cut to Zoltan’s beaten body in the center of the living room]
Zoltan: There’s so much pain…
Cactus: Maybe you shouldn’t have messed with a mafia member.
Zoltan: But hey, at least now I have a machete.
Crazy: Woof.
[Cut to Bot and Mr. Baker at the entrance of the pedophile headquarters]
Bot: I think I’ll go home now. You can go in Homer Alone.
Mr. Baker: Fair enough.
[Mr. Baker enters the building. There is communist iconography on the walls]
Mr. Baker: Hey guys.
Pedophile: Hey Baker. Brought some stuff?
Mr. Baker: Yeah. Meth this time.
Mr. Renaud: Ah, cool!
[Pan over to reveal Sparro in the group, audience gasps]
Sparro: Like whoa!
Mr. Renaud: So what are we going to do tomorrow night?
Mr. Baker: Same thing we do every night, Renaud. Try to take over the world…
Category:Episodes
Category:Transcripts
Category:2024
Category:Zoltan40
Category:CartoonGuy277
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Category:2020s
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Category:I hate my child.
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