2018 Power Rankings-Week 1

== Introduction ==
Folks, I'm just going to come right out and say it. I fucked up. I made a very rare, albeit very unfortunate, error this week. An error which I have safeguarded against for years. For some reason, I didn't go through my usual precautions this week and the results were disastrous.
Both my very detailed, beautifully written power rankings and my well-crafted opening day Gameday Morning are sitting on an external hard drive that for some dumb fucking reason I brought to work, didn't even work on, and then left there.
I'm mad. I'm hurt. I'm distraught. I'm borderline suicidal, and the fucking one-o-clocks haven't even started yet. But this too shall pass.
Now, I had a choice. I didn't have time for both, so I could either re-do the rankings or re-do the Gameday Morning. I chose to do an abbreviated power rankings. I haven't missed a power ranking since week 13 of the 2014 season and I'm not about to break that streak in week one 2018.
These aren't the in-depth, gif-riddled, themed power rankings you were going to get. But they are the best I could do.
== Opening Day Standings ==
Updated 9/1/18
Team 	Wins	Losses	Ties	Win Pct.	Longest win streak	Longest loss streak	Current streak
Pain Train WOO WOO	5 	2 	0 	.712 	3 	1 	Won 3
Papa's Posse 	4 	3 	0 	.571 	2 	1 	Lost 1
Garoppoblow Me 	4 	3 	0 	.571 	2 	1 	Lost 1 
RIPDab 	4 	3 	0 	.571 	2 	2 	Won 1
Sweet Dee 	3 	2 	0 	.600 	2 	2 	Won 2
The Shotti Bunch 	3 	3 	0 	.500 	1 	1 	Won 1
The Duck Punchers 	3 	4 	0 	.429 	1 	2 	Won 1
JarJar Stinks! 	2 	1 	0 	.666 	2 	1 	Lost 1
Paddock 9 	2 	5 	0 	.286 	2 	3 	Lost 3
ma ma momma said 	1 	6 	0 	.143 	1 	3 	Lost 3
P9 and MMMS, the two worst starters in the LOC, are on three-game week one losing streaks. They face off this week, with the winner snapping the streak and the loser breaking the record for most consecutive opening day losses.
Shotti, shockingly, has never won back-to-back week ones, so if he beats Pain Train he will do something he has never done before.
If Pain Train wins, he holds the week one crown. If he loses, the winner of GBM and RIP will tie him. Papa also has a chance to tie with a win over Duck Punchers.
== TRADE ALERT ==
The festivities haven't even begun, but we have our first trade in the LOC. Of course, it had to be none other than Butt Fuckers, the infamous, who has changed his name to Bell of Da Ball. I have to be honest, I didn't even realize this was a Le'Veon Bell pun until doing my first writeup. It hit me like a wrecking ball. A wrecking bell? Ugh, re-writes are hard.
So what do we got?
Bell receives:
James Conner & 14th round pick
Paddock 9 Receives:
Devontae Booker & 16th round pick
Now, who am I to judge before anyone has even touched a footbal, right? But let me pose a question to the group. You just had a team lose their first round pick for a mystery amount of time. Don't you think he's considered the "buyer," in this scenario? Buyer would be the guy willing to shell out something, seller willing to throw a bone. Right?
So on what planet is this a good trade for Patrick? The one where it's opposite day all the time and the 16th round comes first? Maybe in a parallel universe where Booker is going to be fantasy relevant?
If Le'Veon Bell gets traded, Bell of Da Ball now has two top-20 fantasy backs. If Bell plays, he still has a great handcuff AND he scooped an upgraded pick in the process. By all accounts, Booker is behind Royce Freeman. So as of now Pat literally traded a starting RB for a backup and paid for it with a pick! Pat on the back to him for the dumbest trade since his last trade.
== Power Rankings ==
Let's get down to it. Like I said, had a nice rankings done with team stats and just don't have the time to recompile. Maybe if I ranked everyone perfectly I'll be able to just use those rankings as my week two's. No one screw up where I ranked them this week!
The number in parentheses are the final 2017 rankings.
=== 1(1). The Shotti Bunch ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 28-11
* Biggest Question Mark: Can starting RBs Cook/Gordon stay healthy?
I swear, as soon as Shotti kneels during the national anthem we are blackballing his ass and he is OUTTA HERE. But until then, we are stuck with him sitting on his throne atop the power rankings. Shotti went in a different direction with his draft, balancing out his team between WRs and RBs instead of going RB heavy. Could this be his downfall? TSB has had the best injury luck in the league over the last two seasons, are we due for regression?
=== 2(5). WhatCanBrownsDo4You? (The Duck Punchers) ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 20-19
* Biggest Question Mark: Will Kareem Hunt regress or remain an RB1?
Brown put together a phenomenal draft and has high hopes for the 2018 season. The league's top-projected QB, TE, and WR highlight a unit with plenty of fire power in the flex spots and a formidable RB1 in Hunt. Another 6th place finish will be considered a lost season for Browns, who have championship aspirations after being in the middle of the pack ever since their 2014 Glory Bowl victory.
=== 3(6). Garoppoblow Me ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 24-15
* Biggest Question Mark: Will the Saints offense hold up their end of the bargain?
GBM might not have hand-picked them, but having a top-5 QB, the top defense, and the projected #1 kicker isn't exactly the worst thing that can happen in a draft room while you're busy sipping on your spiked seltzer beverage. The core group from last year is back, with Fournette, Kamara, and shit, even Jordy Nelson looking to improve upon their weak 2017 campaign.
=== 4(9). Papa's Posse ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 16-23
* Biggest Question Mark: Was Deshaun Watson the right choice?
Papa has been down and out for a few years now, but last season was almost completely lost due to injury. At 4 wins, some might wonder if David Johnson could have been enough to grab a few more W's and propel them into the playoffs. After all, GBM made playoffs with 6 wins last season. Health has always been an issue for a team that favors the tried and true vets over the untested newcomers. This year, David Johnson absolutely needs to stay on the field. And so does Deshaun Watson, a bit of a reach pick at QB. If it pays off, it could pay off big.
=== 5(3). RIPDab ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 24-15
* Biggest Question Mark: Will "Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride" fatigue set in?
RIPDab lamented earlier this week that finishing 2nd takes a huge toll, especially when finishing 2nd to the same guy every year. This season, is all of that starting to get to RIPDab? They've been quieter than usual, a far cry from the trash talking, rambunctious Nate we knew in 2012 when they were snaking draft picks from Butt Fuckers. This team won't be able to reach it's full potential until October, when Edelman comes back, but they very well could have the best WR group ever.
=== 6(8). Sweet Dee ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 14-25
* Biggest Question Mark: Who will they face in the Million Dollar Game now that JarJar Stinks is gone?
I am very much here for Sweet Dee this season. She has a wedding ring, and now she's coming for a championship ring. No Saints, no problem. I know that in fantasy, saying someone is due for wins doesn't say much if that person is no good at fantasy. But I genuinely believe that Sweet Dee is significantly better than her franchise history suggests. If Andrew Luck, a brilliant keeper choice, can actually still play, who knows what could happen for Dee?
=== 7(7). Paddock 9 ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 17-22
* Biggest Question Mark: What the fuck is he doing?
As "here" for Sweet Dee as I am, I am selling on Paddock 9. Two straight playoff appearances for P9 following five years of just one appearance. Which is the anomaly? P9 is an early nominee for the 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall "Do Less" Award.' Is he already overthinking his roster? The problem is that P9 is a notoriously weak drafter, and just does whatever on draft night only to retool his whole team through free agency and trade. For two years, it has sort of worked, but still not much to show for it. What is 2018 going to be for P9?
=== 8(4). Ma ma momma said ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 17-22
* Biggest Question Mark: How will they handle their flex spots?
Mom is back in business, and by that I mean he's no longer in London. As we know, the Fantasy Gods do not take kindly to international play. This famously cost MMMS a championship when they decided to play from Australia. Could it be comeback SZN for MMMS? With some chinks in the armor of the league's powerhouses, there is no time like the present for this once-dominant franchise to regain their place atop the leaderboard. HOWEVAH, there are some questions surrounding the bottom of the roster. WR depth could be an issue if some late round picks don't pan out.
=== 9(10). Bell of Da Ball ===
* 2012 Record: 5-8
* Biggest Question Mark: Bell, obviously.
I hate to rank Ball this low, but this Bell situation is not great. I think Conner is a decent sub for now, but he's not going to give you Bell numbers over a full season. What is going to happen here? I also see very little depth on this roster. There are a lot of guys, like Kyle Rudolph, who are "wait and see" guys. We just don't know what they're going to bring with new teams, new QBs, new coaches, or with another year under their belts.
=== 10(2). Pain Train WOO WOO ===
* 2015-2017 Record: 17-22
* Biggest Question Mark: Will any of their players be alive by week 10?
This is the easiest team to rank. They pulled the same trick as RIPDab and picked three really tough games to start the 2018 season. Well, only problem is their team isn't healthy. Hard to win games when you don't have a roster. Not to mention PT is playing in Peru this week. What did we say earlier about international play? This is V bad formula for PT. V bad.
== Matchup of the Week ==
Garoppoblow Me (4th) vs. RIPDab (2nd)
Head-to-Head: Garoppoblow Me vs. RIPDab
Date 	Garoppoblow Me	RIPDab	Classification 	Series Record
10/10/11	209.00 	204.35	Regular Season 	1-0
09/24/12	195.96 	185.84	Regular Season 	2-0
11/26/12	223.51 	149.35	Regular Season 	3-0
09/23/13	132.59 	239.54	Regular Season 	3-1
11/25/13	217.40 	295.06	Regular Season 	3-2
09/15/14	153.76 	156.39	Regular Season 	3-3
11/17/14	169.73 	132.90	Regular Season 	4-3
12/15/14	190.67 	164.79	Consolation Tournament	5-3
09/14/15	229.66 	194.25	Regular Season 	6-3
11/16/15	210.50 	147.37	Regular Season 	7-3
12/28/15	217.25 	220.98	Salty Dolphin Bowl 	7-4
11/07/16	225.02 	195.61	Regular Season 	8-4
12/26/16	197.01 	293.46	Salty Dolphin Bowl 	8-5
10/02/17	260.09 	220.63	Regular Season 	9-5
11/20/17	219.51 	221.57	Regular Season 	9-6
A tradition like none other. RIPDab vs. GBM in September. These two teams have faced off at least twice in every season from 2012-2018 and the streak continues here. Among the matchups to watch will be Emmanuel Sanders vs. DeMarious Thomas, Jax D vs. Beckham Jr., Russell Wilson vs. Denver D, and Delanie Walker vs. Derrick Henry. High hopes for both teams yet again this year after three straight seasons of top-4 finishes. One team will get off to the start they wanted, the other will begin the depression era of their season early.
== Conclusion ==
I know it's not the themed rankings that start every season. I know it's nothing special. I KNOW, OKAY, STOP BULLYING! But 2018 is here folk, even if the good power rankings are not. Are you ready?