Shadow Government(s)

Shadow Government(s) is the twelfth episode of season four, and the thirty-ninth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on February 20, 2021.
==Plot==
Mr. Trump, Mr. Renaud, Mr. R'Onion, and Mr. Pepperchicken all set up their own shadow governments, claiming to the true authority of the nation. 
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins at CPTV, where Mr. Renaud is watching Mr. Biden’s inauguration live on Vimeo.]
Mr. Renaud: I can’t believe it! They totally stole this election from me! Now instead of the true victor of the election, they have some PINO in there instead! 
Mr. Bass: What’s a PINO?
Mr. Renaud: Pedophile in name only! That Biden may also be a pedophile, but he’s an elite pedophile, and doesn’t believe middle class pedophiles like us should be entitled to children! A TRUE pedophile would sign an executive order on Day #1 immediately abolishing the age of consent! He’s not gonna do that! He’ll keep it on the books so we can be jailed, while his rich friends who are above the law can fuck as many children as they please! Mr. Bass, we have to let the Bikini Bottom public know that we won’t stand for this coup!
[Cut to the outside of Bikini Bottom High School. Mr. Renaud and Ms. Cactus are both standing behind podiums, with a crowd of reporters gathered around them.]
Mr. Renaud: I am here to make an important announcement. We here at CPTV absolutely, unequivocally condemn the coup that has taken place. 
Mr. Perkins: You mean the Capitol storming led by Mr. Lobster?
Mr. Renaud: NO! I’m talking about the fact that the deep state totally stole this election from me! For so long we MAPs have been oppressed by society, having not a single person to represent us in government. Now, with the efforts of many dedicated activists, we manage to win the presidency, only to have it stolen from us! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: What do you have to say about that, Ms. Cactus?
Ms. Cactus: I say we need to get revenge on Mr. Biden for stealing that beautiful high school girl Travis Pineapple from me! 
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: And of course, the plantophobic Democrats have stolen this election from me. 
Mr. Pineapple: It’s no surprise that a party that wages illegal coups abroad would wage one here too! It’s just imperialism coming home to roost. 
Mr. R’Onion: Your rightful vice president is absolutely correct! That’s why from starting today, I declare this room to no longer be Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science Classroom, but rather, THE OVAL OFFICE! Now get out of here, you lazy losers! I need to make room for the reporters! 
Mr. Sullivan: So we have this entire period free from now on? All right! 
[The students cheer and rush out of the room.]
Mr. R’Onion: Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute! Not you! [grabs onto Mr. Pineapple and brings him back into the classroom] You need to stay here, as you’re the vice president! 
Mr. Pineapple: Aw…
Mr. R’Onion: Now where are those damn reporters? Once again, the corporate media reveals it’s anti-tree bias. 
[Mr. R’Onion walks out of his classroom, only to see all the reporters in Mr. Renaud’s classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: WHAT THE 
[Mr. R’Onion then immediately marches into Mr. Renaud’s classroom.]
Mr. R’Onion: What are you people doing in here?! This guy is just as illegitimate a president as Mr. Biden! Incredibly unprofessional of you wacky wombats to be covering him instead of me! 
Mr. Perkins: Hm, well, I mean he does have a point. Mr. Renaud told us he was pardoning all pedophiles, yet I’m still on the sex offender registry! This guy really is a phony! Come on guys, let’s go cover the true president!
[The reporters all rush to Mr. R’Onion’s classroom.]
Mr. Renaud: Are you guys crazy?! That guy can’t be a president! He’s not even a pedophile! That’s it, I’m declaring war on Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science classroom! 
Mr. Hults: But the Constitution says that Congress declares war, not the president. 
Mr. Renaud: FUCK THE CONSTITUTION! Wait, I take that back! It’s 233 years old! But the point is, it’s a terrible document! It doesn’t even grant any protections for MAPs! Who cares what it says? I say go ahead with the mission! 
Mr. Bass: I’m on it, sir! [hops into a tank, driving over to Mr. R’Onion’s classroom]
Ms. Cactus: And take Mr. Pineapple as a captive as well! 
[Cut to the Kremlin in Shell City.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Don’t believe any of these phonies - Mr. Biden, Mr. Trump, Mr. R’Onion, Mr. Renaud - I’m the TRUE president of Bikini Bottom! 
RT reporter: Uh, then why is your office in Shell City and not in Bikini Bottom then?
Mr. Putin: NO QUESTIONING THE AUTHORITY OF THE PRESIDENT! KGB, PUT THIS FISH TO DEATH! 
[The KGB quickly handcuff the reporter and drag him out of the Kremlin.]
RT reporter: [off-screen] And why am I being arrested by the KGB if you’re the president of Bikini Bottom? Furthermore, why am I being arrested by the KGB when they dissolved in 1991? 
[A gunshot is then heard.]
Mr. Putin: That takes care of that. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Now go do that to all the homosexals too!
KGB officer: But sir, there’s no such thing as a gay Russian! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I meant the ones in Bikini Bottom! 
KGB officer: But Mr. President, doing that would constitute an act of aggressive war, the supreme international crime. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: No it wouldn’t, you’re Bikini Bottom law enforcement now!
KGB officer: Deliberately targeting civilians, even if they’re your own civilians, still constitutes a crime against marine life. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Doesn’t matter, ICC officers are barred from entering Bikini Bottom. NOW, GO, GO, GO!
[The KGB officers quickly run out the room.]
[Cut to Biden in the Oval Office, where he is surrounded by a pool of reporters.]
Mr. Biden: Jacks, I am happy to now sign into law the first piece of legislation in my presidency. A wonderful bipartisan bill to continue our support for the ethnic cleansing of Palestinians! 
[The reporters all clap.] 
Mr. Biden: And in another act in the spirit of unity, I am proud to announce that I shall be pardoning Mr. Trump, his corrupt cronies, as well as the white supremacists who partook in the January 6 riots to overturn my presidency! 
[Cut to a jail cell, where Mr. Trump, Mr. Lobster, and Mr. Pineapple are sitting. Mrs. Harris walks by and opens the jail bars.] 
Mrs. Harris: [tearing up] As much as I hate to say it...you’ve been freed. The President pardoned all of you. 
Mr. Lobster: [gets up] ALL RIGHT! 
Mrs. Harris: So now that you’ve seen the real Biden, does this mean you’re finally going to stop trafficking in all these insane far-right conspiracies about him being a secret communist? 
Mr. Lobster: ABSOLUTELY NOT! Obviously this was just an attempt to curry favor with us, to get us to let our guard again! WELL I’M NOT FALLING FOR IT! 
Mr. Trump: Larry is absolutely right! The actions of an illegitimate president don’t mean anything. That’s why I, the true president, will continue to govern the nation from my old residence. 
[Cut to Bikini Bottom High, which has devolved into a pile of rubble. Suddenly Mr. R’Onion’s head pops out of the rubble.]
Mr. R’Onion: I did it! I won the war! 
[Mr. Renaud’s head then pops out of the rubble.]
Mr Renaud: No, I won the war! 
[Cut to Mr. Sullivan, a crowd of students standing behind him.]
Mr. Sullivan: Actually, we won the war! Because we don’t have to go to school anymore! 
[All the students then cheer, running off.]
Mr. Renaud: OH NO! There goes all my film stars!
[Ms. Cactus’ head then pops out of the rubble.] 
Ms. Cactus: What about that high school girl Travis Pineapple?
[A KGB officer then walks by.]
KGB Officer: The president has ordered you shot. [points his gun at Ms. Cactus]
[Cut to the Trump Tower. Mr. Trump nails a sign that reads “Office of the Real President” onto his office. He then grabs another sign, one that says “Pay $100 To Enter The Real Oval Office”, and places it outside the building. Suddenly, Mr. Lobster runs up, handing Mr. Trump all his money.]
Mr. Lobster: WOW! I can’t believe I’m the first in line to visit the new office of DONALD J. TRUMP, THE ONE TRUE PRESIDENT OF BIKINI BOTTOM! 
[The two walk into the Tower.]
Mr. Trump: There is much to show you in here, Larry, that I can tell you. 
Mr. Lobster: I have something to show you too, Mr. President! Look! I got a tattoo of you! [turns around and pulls down his shorts, pointing to a tattoo of Mr. Trump on his ass] 
Mr. Trump: Well, uhhhh, that’s very nice of-LORD NEPTUNE THAT STENCH! 
Mr. Lobster: Oh yeah! All the wussie liberals in my town were stockpiling toilet paper because they were fooled by the Plague hoax, so I decided to show them what a REAL MAN does and boycotted it!
[Mr. Trump coughs and faints. Suddenly an ambulance busts through the Tower, and two medical workers jump out.] 
Medical Worker: Quick, get him in! 
Mr. Lobster: [pushes the Medical Workers away] Oh no you don’t! You want to take him to the hospital so you can inject him with Bill Gates’ vaccine! Once you put that little long needle in his skin, life will end as he knows it. Once he gets injected, there is no undoing the damage, and no way to reverse the LIFE-THREATENING DECISION. The elites and their families are exempt from taking it, but the 95% majority will likely be forced to eventually take it. Everything we were ever taught is a lie by design. Governments lie 100% of the time, they always have, and they always will. The controlled mainstream media is not reality, but rather is lies, disinformation, half-truths, and fake events carried out by gov/media hired crisis actors (aka role players). What he needs is something natural! Hmm...I know just the thing! 
[Mr. Lobsters inserts his claw into his anus, scooping out a clawful of shit. He then begins smearing the shit on Mr. Trump’s face.] 
Mr. Lobster: This’ll save you, Mr. President!
[Mr. Trump remains unconscious.]
Mr. Lobster: WOOHOO! IT WORKED! Take that, Bill!
[Cut to the Oval Office, where Mr. Biden is watching the ordeal on his television screen.] 
Mr. Biden: I may have won the election, but in the end, it’s Donald who really won the war... 
[He lets out a depressed sigh as the episode ends.]
==Trivia==
*This episode takes place before "Valentine's Day".
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fourth Season
Category:Episodes