Episode 109: Whoopi Goldberg/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Kermit passes a stagehand as he walks into the control room.
Kermit 	Hi there, Stan.
Stan 	Hi, Kermit.
Kermit 	Aw. Oh, hey, Clifford, how's it going?
Clifford 	Hey, Kerm, my main frog. Man, things couldn't be better.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Clifford 	(cont'd) We got Whoopi Goldberg guest starring.
Kermit 	Oh.
Clifford 	(cont'd) We got Miss Piggy coming in to do the closing number with her, and it's gonna be a great show! One of the best.
Kermit 	(nods) Mm-hm.
Stagehand (BH)	Yeah, what could possibly go wrong?
Clifford 	Aw, man, you had to say that. (the phone rings) Whoop, here it comes.
Rizzo 	(holding the phone) Hey Cliff, you got a phone call.
Clifford 	Whoop, there it is.
Rizzo 	It's Miss Piggy.
Clifford 	Aw, man, I knew it!
Kermit 	Oh, I'm sure it's nothing, Clifford. Uh, I gotta hop. Bye-bye.
 	Kermit dashes off. Rizzo hands the phone to Clifford. Miss Piggy appears in a split-screen.
Rizzo 	There you go.
Clifford 	Okay. (into the phone) Yeah, Piggy, what's up?
Miss Piggy 	Hello, Cliffie. I'm on a plane. I'm returning from a mall opening at the south pole.
Clifford 	Say what?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, don't worry. I'll be there sooner or later.
Clifford 	What do you mean "sooner or later"? You gotta be here for the closing number!
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Cliffie, just throw some barnyard animals on stage until I'm there. You know, some kinda chicken schtick? I'm just running a teensy bit late.
Clifford 	But you can't be late for the closing number, Piggy! After the closing number, the show's over! That's why they call it the closing number!
Miss Piggy 	(laughs) Details, details. Alright, Cliffie, if you want me there on time, have a limo waiting at the airport.
Clifford 	A limo?
Operator 	Please deposit $650 for the next three minutes.
Miss Piggy 	Uh, reverse the charges!
 	She hangs up and relaxes in her seat. The other passengers on the plane are all penguins.
Miss Piggy 	(sigh) Those poor little souls are lost without me. Let's see, how do I get this seat down?
 	She finds the lever and falls back in her seat. The penguins laugh at her.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Whoopi Goldberg! Whoopee!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening==
 	Open on the house band. Clifford comes out to applause.
A. Ligator 	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford 	Hey! Yeah! What's up, what's up? Welcome to Muppets Tonight. Let's say hi to the band, shall we? Hi, band.
Band 	(disgruntled) Yeah, hi, Clifford.
Clifford 	Aww, look at that. They're in a chatty mood. Any hue, tonight we're going to break some new ground.
 	Wayne the construction worker hops past him on a jackhammer.
Clifford 	... Okay. So, let's welcome this week's guest. Shall we? She's an Academy award-winning actress and comedienne extraordinaire. Miss Whoopi Goldberg!
 	Whoopi comes out to applause.
Clifford 	There she is! Ha ha ha! Hey, lady!
Whoopi 	Hey.
Clifford 	Listen, it's great to have you here.
Whoopi 	It's good to be here, Clifford. You know, you and I have something in common.
Clifford 	What's that?
Whoopi 	We both collect antiques.
 	She holds up Statler; Clifford holds up Waldorf.
Whoopi 	See? A matched set.
 	They chuckle and drop the geezers.
Whoopi 	You know, there's something else we both have in common, Clifford. We're both huge fans of Miss Piggy's.
Clifford 	No. That's something you and Miss Piggy have in common.
Whoopi 	Oh, Clifford. One more small fact you may not know ––
Clifford 	Word?
Whoopi 	–– Piggy and I appeared on television once before, before we were famous.
Clifford 	Get outta here.
Whoopi 	No, for real! I brought a clip.
Clifford 	Let's watch, shall we?
Statler & Waldorf	Do we have to?
Clifford & Whoopi	Yes.
 	The monitor is lowered, and the clip plays.
==People's Court==
 	The theme music plays. Open on Bug Lewellyn in front of the court doors.
Bug Lewellyn 	Welcome to People's Court. I'm your host, Bug Lewellyn. Today we present The Case of the Pointless Pigtails. And now here comes our plaintiff, miss Goldie Whoopberg.
 	Whoopi opens the door, knocking him over. She walks away. Bug gets up.
Bug Lewellyn 	Uh, and now here comes our defendant, Miss Piggy. OOF!
 	He stands on the other side, but Miss Piggy opens the other door and knocks him over anyway. He sticks to the door as it closes.
Bug Lewellyn 	I hope you both lose. (faints)
Bailiff (KC) 	All rise. The honorable Judge Wapner presiding.
 	The court rises as Wapner takes his seat.
Judge Wapner 	You may be seated. Thank you, Rusty. (to Piggy) I know you've been sworn, and I have read your complaint. As far as I'm concerned, you're both a little nutty. But at any rate, Miss Whoopberg, let me hear from you first, please.
Whoopi 	Well, judge, I'm a young, struggling actress, and my hair is very important to my livelihood. And I ...
Miss Piggy 	(snores)
Judge Wapner 	Miss Piggy, please. (bangs gavel)
Miss Piggy 	(wakes up) Oh, yeah, what? Like I was the only one falling asleep from boredom?
Whoopi 	May I continue?
Judge Wapner 	Please.
Whoopi 	I went to this ... person ...
Miss Piggy 	Hmph!
Whoopi 	... who describes herself as a hairdresser, and I asked for one pigtail, judge. ONE ... pigtail. And look at what she did to me.
Miss Piggy 	Look, lady, my profit comes from volume. I can't just do ONE pigtail!
Whoopi 	Well, you should've said that! Because I don't like what you did to my hair! Look what you did to it!
Miss Piggy 	Ingrate! Ingrate!
Whoopi 	Bad hairdresser! Bad hairdresser!
Judge Wapner 	(bangs gavel) Quiet! Quiet! Quiet, or I'll hold you both in contempt.
Whoopi & Piggy	Attica! Attica! Attica! Attica!
 	Wapner blows an air horn. Piggy screams.
Judge Wapner 	Alright. I've heard enough evidence. Now I'm going to render a decision.
Whoopi & Piggy	Hmm.
Judge Wapner 	Now, Miss Whoopberg ... I think she did a pretty good job.
Miss Piggy 	See? (laughs mockingly)
Whoopi 	You really think so?
Judge Wapner 	Yes. I wouldn't be surprised if a famous director contacted you.
Whoopi 	You mean like Steven Spielberg?
Judge Wapner 	Exactly.
Whoopi 	I bet I could play, like, a psychic, who talks to the ghost of ...
Judge Wapner 	Young Pat Swayze!
Whoopi 	Pat Swayze? Yeah! He's cute!
Miss Piggy 	(sarcastic) Yeah, you'll probably win an Oscar! Ha!
Judge Wapner 	You could host the Oscars, too.
Whoopi 	I'd like that!
Miss Piggy 	Alright, alright, fine. I'll play along. How about this –– I'm going to be a glamorous star of stage, screen, television and movies!
Judge Wapner 	Thirty days for aggravated arrogance. (bangs gavel) Next case.
 	The theme music resumes. A bailiff escorts Piggy away.
Miss Piggy 	What?
Whoopi 	Thanks, Piggy. You know, maybe someday we can work together. You know, maybe do a big musical number of some sort?
Miss Piggy 	(writhes) Get your hands off me, Dusty! (they exit)
==Fairyland P.D.==
 	Open on a tall building at night with two policemen. Bobo and Clifford gets out of their car and walk over to them.
A. Ligator 	And now, another episode from the files of Fairyland P.D.. Tonight: "Goldi-Lockup".
Clifford 	Yo, chief.
Police chief 	Huh?
Clifford 	What you got for us?
Police chief 	Uh, some broad named, uh, Locks. Goldilocks. She's barricaded in the Three Bears' house, and she's got demands.
Bobo 	What kind of demands?
Police chief 	Well, they keep changing. One time the porridge is too hot, then it's too cold. The bed's too hard, the bed's too soft. You know how it is with dames.
Clifford & Bobo	Typical.
Police chief 	Yes.
Clifford 	We'll take care of this, chief.
Police chief 	Oh, good, 'cause I wanna get over to Donut World before they run out of those cream-filled Betty cakes. (through megaphone) Come on, Al!
 	Al follows him, leaving Bobo and Clifford on their own.
Clifford 	Uh, later, Al.
Bobo 	TAKE IT EASY, AL!
Al 	No thanks!
 	Bobo shrugs.
Clifford 	Let's go through the window.
Bobo 	Alright.
 	They approach the window.
Bobo 	Ready?
Clifford 	Yeah.
Bobo 	Okay! Come out with your hands up, lady!
 	Goldilocks opens the window and whacks them both on the head with a frying pan.
Bobo 	Guhh! ... Oh boy.
Clifford 	Boy, this is gonna be tougher than we thought.
Bobo 	Yeah. I think this calls for a little undercover work. (dons a pair of glasses) Yeah ...
Clifford 	Oh, no, Bobo. She'll never fall for that cheap disguise.
Bobo 	Oh, we'll see. (to the window) Yoo-hoo! Miss Locks!
Goldilocks 	(opens the window) Say, uh –– you're not the bear that was here before. You're a –– completely different bear.
Bobo 	That's right.
Goldilocks 	I'll be right back. (closes the window)
Bobo 	I told you! I told you! You I told! You ––
Clifford 	Aw, shut up.
Goldilocks 	(opens the window) Oh, yoo-hoo! Oh, completely different bear?
Bobo 	Yes?
 	She whacks him again and shuts the window.
Bobo 	(groans)
Clifford 	I told you! I told you! I told you! Boy, there's no way we're gonna get her out of there.
Police chief 	(comes back) Hey, look what I got, guys.
Clifford & Bobo	(gasp) Cream-filled Betty cakes?
Police chief 	Uh-huh.
Bobo 	Let's eat!
 	Goldilocks comes outside.
Goldilocks 	Hey, uh, did someone say Betty cakes?
Clifford 	Hey. You're under arrest.
Goldilocks 	Yeah, yeah. Shut up and give me a Betty cake.
 	Music button.
==Backstage==
 	Nigel talks into his headset while Zippity Zap and the weasel stand by.
Nigel 	Alright, get ready to cue Carl the Big Mean, uh, uh, uh, what is he tonight?
Zippity Zap 	Oh, the ventrilo-quilo-quist.
Nigel 	Oh, that's right! Cue Carl the Big Mean Ventriloquist! Cue him now! Go! Go!
 	Carl stands on stage with a dummy as a fanfare plays.
A. Ligator 	And now, it's time for Carl, the Big Mean Ventriloquist!
 	Light applause.
Carl 	Oh, hi. I'm Carl. Okay, okay. So, dummy, what's a Grecian urn? (mouthing) "I ain't answering your stupid question." I said, what's a Grecian urn? (wiggles dummy) "And I said I ain't talking, see?" Oh yeah? Well, then I'm gonna bite your head off!
 	He eats the dummy's head.
Clifford 	(to cameraman) Shoot the scenery, man.
 	The cameraman pans away from Carl. Clifford goes backstage.
Clifford 	Yo, yo, yo, Rizzo. What's the 411 on Miss Piggy?
Rizzo 	Uh, well, actually it's more like a 911. Heh.
Clifford 	What do you mean?
Rizzo 	Well, you see, there was only two guys I could spare to pick Piggy up at the airport.
Clifford 	Oh no, Rizzo, you didn't send ––
Rizzo 	I did send. (ducks) Please don't bite my head off.
 	Cut to Piggy in the back of a limo, sitting between Andy and Randy.
Andy & Randy	You're it! (they butt heads) You're it! (they butt heads)
Miss Piggy 	STOP IT!! (smacks them both)
Andy 	Hey, that was fun, Aunt Piggy!
Randy 	Yeah! Let's do it again!
Andy & Randy	Yeah!
Miss Piggy 	(stops them) Wait, wait, whoa, whoa! Alright. Now boys, why don't we all just sit back, okay, and watch the show until we get to the studio. Here.
Andy 	Yeah.
 	She turns on the TV in the back of the limo.
Miss Piggy 	Okay now. Just relax.
Randy 	Okay, I'm relaxed.
Andy 	Me too.
Andy & Randy	You're it! ... You're it ...
 	They continue butting heads as Miss Piggy pouts.
==Reggae Rodents==
 	Main stage. Clifford and Rizzo enter to applause.
Clifford	Yeah, hey, hey. (Jamaican accent) Brothers and sisters, lend an ear to the righteous sounds of Whoopi Goldberg and de Reggae Rodents. Mon.
Rizzo 	Uh, excuse me, what kind of an accent was that supposed to be?
Clifford	Jamaican.
Rizzo 	Yeah. Jamaican a fool of yourself! Heh heh heh ... (walks off)
Clifford	Heh heh heh ... yo, Riz, come here! (follows him)
 	Switch to an island setting. The Reggae Rodents play an up-tempo version of "No Woman No Cry".
Whoopi 	Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (they stop playing)
Rats 	Huh? What?
Whoopi 	What was that supposed to be?
Rat (JN)	That's reggae.
Whoopi 	Look. Reggae has got to have a little attitude to it.
Rat (JN)	Well, we got attitude!
Rat (KC)	Yeah, you wanna make something out of it??
Whoopi 	Not that kind of attitude!
Rat (KC)	Oh.
Whoopi 	You gotta slow down! You gotta find your groove and take your time.
Rat (JN)	Ah, slow down. Find a groove.
Rat (KC)	Take your time. I hear ya.
Whoopi 	You got it now?
Rats 	Yeah, yeah.
Whoopi 	Alright. Let's hear it.
 	The drummer plays a slow reggae beat.
Whoopi 	That's good. Alright, now, let's take it from the top, okay?
Rat (KC)	Yeah.
Whoopi 	And two, three, a one two three four ––
 	The band resumes their fast version of the song. Whoopi stands there flabbergasted.
==Backstage==
 	Rizzo and Clifford watch on a monitor backstage.
Clifford 	Eww. Oh, Riz, Riz. Whoopi's gonna kill us if Miss Piggy's not back here for the musical number! What are we gonna do?
Rizzo 	Well, Clifford, the way I see it, we got two choices. One, we could panic like this –– (screams)
Clifford 	What's our other choice?
Rizzo 	Well, I got a whole bunch of people waitin' to impersonate Miss Piggy in the final number.
Clifford 	Impersonators, huh? Well, bring them in!
Rizzo 	Alright. (checks clipboard) First on the list, we got, uh, Bill the Bubble Guy.
 	Bill enters, wearing a wig and pig snout.
Bill 	Hi, I'm Miss Piggy. Bubbles come out of moi's head. (grunts, blows)
Rizzo & Clifford	Next!
 	Animal rushes in, wearing a wig and pig snout.
Animal 	PIGGY! PIGGY! PIGGY! PIGGY! Moi. Moi.
Clifford 	Next!
Animal 	Thank you!
Rizzo 	Next!
Sal 	Miss Piggy, coming through! Outta the way for Miss Piggy!
Johnny 	(also in a wig and snout) Thank you. Hello. Hello. I don't usually do this, but uh, I'd like to sing you a little song I call "Moi's Way". Frankie?
 	A piano swells up.
Johnny 	♪ Hey you, crazy kooky chick, you... alright, hold it. (the piano stops) Sal, this is the stupidest idea you have ever had. I am not playing a pig. (walks away)
Sal 	Johnny Fiama's leaving the building! Doesn't like my "stupid idea"! He ain't playing no pig! (walks off)
Clifford 	(slowly turns to Rizzo) ... NEXT!
Rizzo 	Next!
 	Seymour and Pepe emerge in the same Piggy attire.
Pepe 	Music!
 	Their theme plays.
Seymour 	I'm Piggy!
Pepe 	I'm Piggy.
Both 	♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	♪ I'm a little bit Piggy ...
Seymour 	♪ ...and I've got a pig behind. (shows his tail)
Pepe 	Haha. See what he did? He said "pig behind" instead of "big behind", okay.
Seymour 	Yes.
Clifford 	Aw, man, this is pathetic!
Pepe 	Knock knock, Miss Piggy.
Seymour 	Who's there, Miss Piggy?
Pepe 	Miss Piggy.
Seymour 	Miss Piggy who?
Pepe 	(blanking) ... Okay, we haven't got this part yet, okay, but uh, we're working on it.
Seymour 	Yeah, yeah. So Rizzo, when do you think we're gonna know if we got the job?
Rizzo 	Never. You will never know that.
Clifford 	Next.
Pepe 	What are you trying to say, okay?
Clifford 	I said "next".
Pepe 	Yes, but what are you trying to say?
Clifford 	I'm not gonna say it again.
Seymour 	(leads Pepe away) Don't worry, Pepe ...
Pepe 	What is your point, okay? Don't let him talk to you this way okay ...
Clifford 	(to Rizzo) Man, what did you do to me?
Pepe 	Come here, you rat! (tackles Rizzo)
==Reggae Rodents cont'd==
 	A furious Whoopi clutches the two rats.
Whoopi 	Look. This is the last time I'm gonna tell you. Sing the song slowly! You got me?
 	She lets go of them.
Rat (JN) 	Ohh. You mean like, like this? One, two, three, four ...
 	The band resumes their fast version of the song.
Whoopi 	You are impossible! You rats!
 	She leaves. The band stops.
Rat (JN) 	Gee whiz, what's wrong with Goldilocks?
Rat (KC) 	Yeah, she's so upset. She's gotta slow down, find the groove, take her time!
Rat (JN) 	Yeah. Maybe somebody should tell her, everything's gonna be alright.
 	The band plays the song at the right tempo.
Rats 	
♪ Everything's gonna be alright.
♪ Everything's gonna be alright.
♪ No woman no cry.
Whoopi 	That's it! That's right! That's it! Yes!
 	She sings along with them. Applause. Flowers are tossed; she catches some.
Whoopi 	Yes! Thank you!
 	Clifford, Rizzo and Zippety watch from backstage.
Clifford 	Heh heh. Man, Whoopi's doing great! She's killing 'em out there!
Zippety Zap 	My baby!
Clifford 	We may not even need Miss Piggy for the final number.
Rizzo 	Whoo! I just hope Miss Piggy doesn't figure that out. Heh heh heh.
 	Meanwhile, Piggy watches the show on the limo TV while Andy and Randy look at a map.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Whoopi's doing great. She's killing out there. They may not even need me for the final number. Oh, I just hope Clifford doesn't figure that out. Hey, the studio's only three blocks from the airport –– what's taking so long?
Andy 	Well, we took a short cut.
Miss Piggy 	(looks around) Hey, we're in the desert! Don't tell me we're lost!
Randy 	Okay, we won't tell you.
Andy 	Yeah.
Vulture (JN)	(perches on the window) Alright then, I'll tell you. You're lost. Hmm. And you might be lunch.
 	Music button.
=="Once In a Lifetime"==
 	Main stage. Clifford enters to applause.
Clifford	Heh heh heh. Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. And now, for a special treat: here's Giganticus, the world's largest performance artist, singing ––
Gonzo 	Whoa, whoa, whoa, bad news, Clifford, bad news!
Clifford	What's that?
Gonzo 	Giganticus just got beaten up by Super-Giganticus.
Clifford	Well, what about his suit? We paid a fortune for that.
Gonzo 	Oh, don't worry. Kermit's gonna fill in for him.
Clifford	This I gotta see.
 	They glance at the monitor. Kermit appears as David Byrne in a full-length music video of "Once in a Lifetime".
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Waldorf 	Same as it ever was.
Statler 	Same as it ever was.
Waldorf 	Yeah.
Both 	Terrible! (they chuckle)
==Backstage==
 	A line of jacketed Kermits passes by Clifford.
Clifford 	Nice job, Kermit.
Kermit 	Thank you.
Clifford 	Nice job, Kermit.
Kermit #2 	Thank you.
Clifford 	Nice job, Kermit.
Kermit #3 	Thank you.
Clifford 	... Man, that was weird.
Rizzo 	Oh, bad news, chief! Miss Piggy is still not here!
Clifford 	Oh, man, what are we gonna do?
 	They overhear the crowd chanting "Whoopi! Whoopi!"
Rizzo 	Oh, I don't know, and I can't concentrate with all those people yelling for Whoopi! ... Hey! Hey, that gives me an idea!
Clifford 	Yeah! Yeah, I think I'm with you.
Rizzo 	Yeah! Let's put on Bill the Bubble Guy! They'll love that!
Clifford 	Say what?
 	Whoopi emerges in a magician's outfit.
Whoopi 	Hey, hey, guys? I was checking out my car and I found a little something. I thought I might go out on stage and, you know, just warm up the crowd till Miss Piggy gets here.
Rizzo 	Oh.
Clifford 	Oh, that's a great idea, Whoopi!
Rizzo 	Yeah, but be careful. There's a tough bunch out there.
Whoopi 	Oh. I'll take my chances. Wish me luck, guys.
Clifford & Rizzo	Good luck.
Whoopi 	Thanks. Ha. (goes onstage)
Rizzo 	Heh. Now there goes a brave woman. Heh heh heh.
 	Clifford shakes his head and walks off.
==Whoopi's act==
 	Whoopi takes center stage and starts spinning plates on sticks.
Whoopi 	Hi, I'm Whoopi Goldberg, and ladies and gentlemen, it's time to dish! Music!
 	"Sabre Dance" plays as she spins.
Whoopi 	You know, my favorite groups are the Platters and the Spinners.
 	Genuine applause. Rizzo, Clifford and Fozzie watch from the wings.
Rizzo 	Ha!
Clifford 	Man, she is good!
Rizzo 	They love her!
Fozzie 	Yeah, the material is so fresh!
Rizzo 	Yeah!
 	Whoopi approaches them.
Whoopi 	(catches breath) How am I doing, guys?
Clifford 	You're doing great!
Fozzie 	Yeah, yeah!
Clifford 	Listen to 'em!
 	She hears the crowd chanting her name.
Rizzo 	(laughs)
Whoopi 	Just wait till you see this.
 	She goes back onstage and starts playing music on glasses.
Whoopi 	You know, people say they don't understand my act. But to me, it's crystal clear.
 	Genuine laughter and applause.
Whoopi 	And my mom always said, "Men don't make passes at girls who play glasses."
 	Genuine laughter and applause.
Whoopi 	I learned this song from Philip Glass. Get it? Fill up glass?
 	Genuine laughter and applause. Fozzie takes notes on a clipboard.
Fozzie 	Hey, what was that last line? Uh, "fill up glass" –– boy, she is a genius!
Rizzo 	Look what she's doing now!
 	She does gymnastics on a pair of ropes with ring handles.
Whoopi 	Look, I'm running rings around myself! Ha ha! Yeah! Whoo-ha! Thank you!
 	Genuine laughter and applause.
Fozzie 	"Rings around herself"! She's brilliant!
Clifford 	Aw, come on, Fozzie. You're funny too.
Fozzie 	Really?
Rizzo 	Oh, I hope she does karaoke next. That stuff just kills me! (laughs)
Clifford 	Yeah.
Fozzie 	(moans, facepalms)
 	Suspenseful music plays.
Whoopi 	Ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never before performed by any human being. ... I ... will fly!
 	The music stops just as she's about to take off...
Rizzo 	Uh, excuse me, Whoopi, but you have a phone call over there. It's Miss Piggy.
Whoopi 	Oh. Cover me.
 	She exits smiling. Rizzo stammers as the music resumes.
Rizzo 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I will now do something never before performed by any rat. Uh ... I will ... fly.
 	Clifford hands her the phone.
Clifford 	Here you go, Whoop.
Whoopi 	Oh, thanks. Yeah, Piggy, what's up?
Miss Piggy	(still in the limo) Whoopi, sweetie, now don't you panic. You've done the very best job you can to save this show. But failure is no shame, dear.
Whoopi 	That's sweet of you to say, Miss Piggy, but you know, the audience really seems to like me, so there's really no need for you to even hurry back. I'll just do the final number all by myself.
Miss Piggy	You what?
Whoopi 	What? I'm losing you. I gotta get back to stage now. I'm flying, you know.
Miss Piggy	What?
Whoopi 	She's gone!
 	She hangs up the phone. Rizzo flies, bumping into a nearby camera.
Whoopi 	You stole my act.
Rizzo 	(dazed) You can have it back. (faints)
 	Meanwhile, Piggy takes the wheel in the limo, having hog-tied Andy and Randy in the back.
Miss Piggy	So! She's going to do the final number by herself, huh? Well, we'll see about that! It's pedal to the metal time, boys! (steps on the gas)
==Closing number==
 	Clifford takes center stage.
Clifford 	And now, Muppets Tonight proudly presents the moment you've all been waiting for, tonight's big musical number featuring none other than Miss Whoopi Goldberg!
 	Whoopi performs "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend", backed by the penguins. Midway, Piggy barges through the control room toward the stage, bumping into everyone in her path.
Miss Piggy 	Watch out! Coming through!
 	As the first verse ends, Piggy arrives onstage and shoos the penguins away. The band pauses.
Miss Piggy 	Move it, penguins! This is my number! And there's no way you're taking it from me!
Whoopi 	Oh, but Piggy! Piggy! I don't want to take this number away from you!
Miss Piggy 	Ha!
Whoopi 	I wanted to perform with the world's greatest living female performer!
Miss Piggy 	(giggles) Well! If you put it that way ...
Whoopi 	Yes! Streisand!
Miss Piggy 	WHAT?!
Whoopi 	(laughs) Just kidding! Come on. Let's show 'em what we got!
Miss Piggy 	Alright!
 	The band resumes playing; Whoopi and Piggy finish the song together. Applause.
Whoopi 	Oh, you're fabulous! Thank you!
Miss Piggy 	Thank you! Thank you!
Clifford 	Hey, give it up! Give it up! Give it up! Well, what do you know? It all came together, thanks to our special guest, Whoopi Goldberg!
 	Applause.
Whoopi 	Thank you! And of course, to Miss Piggy!
Miss Piggy 	Aww! Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you! That's so sweet. And I see you kept my fabulous hairstyle.
Whoopi 	Yes, it's helped me many many times, and I owe it all to you.
Miss Piggy 	Of course you do, dear. Now, say goodnight. I got a plane to catch.
Whoopi 	Goodnight!
 	Enter Andy and Randy.
Andy 	We'll drive you to the airport, Aunt Piggy! (Randy nods)
Miss Piggy 	OH NO!! I'll walk! (runs away)
Andy & Randy	Oh, we'll walk with you! (they follow her)
Whoopi 	Goodnight!
Clifford 	Goodnight, everybody! Goodnight! Thanks, Whoopi.
 	Whoopi gives him a kiss. Applause as the penguins join them. Whoopi bats the penguins away.
Whoopi 	Hey! Stop that!
Clifford 	What's wrong with you?
Randy 	Have you seen Miss Piggy? Where's Miss Piggy?
==Epilogue==
 	On a plane, Piggy relaxes in her seat with a copy of William Shatner's Man O'War.
Miss Piggy	Hoo! Boy, I'm glad THAT show's over! (sigh)
 	She glances out her window and sees a demon eating the plane's wing. She screams.
Miss Piggy	There's a creature on the wing! It's tearing the plane apart! Someone help! Don't you see it?
 	William Shatner, sitting next to her, muses ...
William 	Oh, it's that guy. I've been compalining about him for years. Nobody does anything about it. That's a really interesting book you're reading.
Miss Piggy	(panicking) Yeah, yeah, it is, yeah ...
William 	The audio version of that book is really entertaining too. I did it myself, on tape, I mean. We wanted Buddy Hackett to do it, but he was too expensive. (chuckles)
Miss Piggy	Fine, fine! Stewardess?! Anybody?
William 	Would you like me to autograph that book for you? Shall I make it out to Babe?
Miss Piggy	What?
William 	There's a wonderful part in that book for you.
Miss Piggy	(screams) Get me outta here!
William 	Space Captain Pig, I think. There's a –– there's a lot of crime, a lot of screaming ...
 	Music button. The credits roll, with outtakes of the scene with Johnny, Sal and Clifford.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts