Billy Mays Commits Crimes

This is the 7th episode of season 1 of SBFW's Got Talent.
==Transcript==
Nicholas: I'm finally back. Man, that digestive tract was long... Okay, let’s see the results from last episode! (He looks at his computer to see the results) Uh-oh. It looks like there's a tie between Glove and Owlette. To break the tie, the judges will vote for which one should get out. Judges?
(The judges each write their answers on a piece of paper and put it into an empty tissue box on the table)
Nicholas: Okay then. And the wi-loser is…
Didudiduduu
Glove!
Glove: Oh, fiddlesticks!
Owlette: How did I not lose? Eh whatever I'll take it.
Nicholas: With that out of the way, it's time to choose the next five contestants for their performance this episode. It's once again time to spin the wheel of death!
Owlette: I thought it was called the wheel of fate.
Nicholas: Don't ask questions. (He spins the wheel)
Shaq!
Shaq: Big Shaq will be jealous.
Nicholas: Gary!
Gary: Meow meow!
Nicholas: Fred!
Fred: My leg is in love again.
Nicholas: Hank Hill!
(Hank is seen making out with a propane gas tank)
Hank: What?
Nicholas: And finally… Billy Mays!
Billy Mays: Billy Mays here to sell another amazing product: Stress!
Nicholas: With the wheel of death out of the way, it's time to perform. First up is Shaq!
Shaq: Prepared to have your socks knocked off! (He grabs a basketball and starts twirling it on his finger)
Audience member: That's it?
(Two hours later…)
(All the audience members are snoring)
Shaq: Hey wake up! I'm still not done yet!
(Nicholas himself wakes up)
Nicholas: Guh-huh? Oh. I think we should move on to the next contestant before I fall asleep again. Up next is… uh… (yawns heavily) Gary…
Gary: Meow meow! (My shell itches)
(Gary slithers onstage and puts on a clown costume)
Gary: Meow meow meow? (Why did the sea chicken cross the road?)
(silence)
Gary: Meow meow meow! (To get to the other side of the sea!)
(silence)
Gary: Meow meow… (Forget it. I don’t care if I get eliminated)
Nicholas: Is that all? For real?
Gary: Meow. (Yes, that’s it. Let me go home before I sue all of you!)
Nicholas: Okay, then. Up next is Fred.
Fred: Okay, everyone. Be prepared to have your minds blown away harder than my leg in Vietnam.
(Fred takes out an umbrella)
Audience member: That’s unlucky! Are you out of your mind?
Fred: Of course I am! (lightning strikes solely on Fred’s leg) MY LEG!
(laughter)
Fred: Hey, that’s nothing.
(He grabs a ladder that a construction worker nearby is using to fix a light. The worker falls down)
Worker: MY BACK!
Fred: Now watch as I walk underneath this ladder. (he walks underneath it, and it miraculously only crushes his leg) MY LEG!
(harder laughter)
Fred: This hurts to do… What is life?
(Fred struggles to walk a few more steps before he falls to the ground, which causes even louder laughter)
Nicholas: I think we better get Fred to the hospital.
(Paramedics carry Fred into an ambulance, which drives off)
Nicholas: Next up is Hank Hill!
Hank Hill: Howdy again, y’all. Today I will show you some more things to do with propane and propane accessories.
(Hank grabs the mic off the stage)
Hank Hill: I’ll be singing a little number I’d like to call… Pro-Pain.
Propane is my game
And it gives me pain
I hate my name
It rhymes with… Bill
And I’m suffering still
But propane keeps me at bay
So my name is Hank and I’m here to say
Propane and propane accessories are here to stay!
(Applause)
Nicholas: Nice musical number, Hank. We’ll be seeing you next time you get picked.
Hank Hill: Propane is my LIFE!
Nicholas: And finally, our last contestant for the day is Billy Ma-
Billy Mays: HI BILLY MAYS HERE!
Nicholas: ...Billy Mays.
Billy Mays: Do you ever get tired of hiding evidence of your crimes? I sure do. So that’s why I invented Blood Away! Blood Away gets rid of blood stains with ease! Just watch!
(Billy Mays gets his can of Blood Away and uses it on a bloody carpet. The blood vanishes)
Billy Mays: Now you can do crime… any time! And it’s only 19.99 + free shipping! Just watch me commit a crime onstage!
Nicholas: Wait what-
(Billy Mays picks up Nicholas and starts shaking him)
Nicholas: You realize shaking me is not gonna make me bleed, right?
Billy Mays: Oh. (he puts Nicholas back down)
Nicholas: I was gonna disqualify you but your marketing schemes are messing with my brain. Anyways that’s it for today’s episode ok bye.
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