Behold! Tribe of the North! (transcript)

Behold! Tribe of the North!
Transcript written by Ponyo Fan and JellyfishJam38
*(SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob, Patrick and Sandy are cleaning out his cupboard.)
*Patrick (holding up Playsponge magazine) Why did you buy this sick stuff?
*SpongeBob (shocked) That was when I was more... uh, impressionable.
*Patrick: Sometimes I just don't get you.
*(Sandy picks up a pair of old karate gloves, then a Kreepy Krill comic)
*SpongeBob (hands in the cupboard) I think I feel something. (pulls a tapestry out)
*Patrick: It has me on it!
*Sandy: (pulls out moldy ice cream) What's this?
*Patrick: Eeewwww... Wait, that's my gift I gave SpongeBob 2 years ago.
*SpongeBob: 4 years.
*Patrick: Oh yeah, but let me look at the paper.
*(Closer inspection shows that the tapestry shows a sponge-squirrel warrior dressed in armor stabbing a demon, then the same one with a monster's head on his sword, then a wedding with him marrying a starfish, then it shows several generations of sponges, squirrels, and starfish, ending with Sandy, SpongeBob and Patrick killing a dragon.)
*Patrick: (Pointing) What does that say?
*Sandy (Reading) The ancestors of Spongie Cheeks the Great, shall emigrate to Swiss City and become great warriors who will accomplish many things.
*Patrick: What the hell does that mean?
*SpongeBob: Who cares what it means, let's go!
*(Cut to Bikini Bottom Boat Central. Patrick is eating an ice cream)
*SpongeBob: Wow, Patrick, you sure do like ice cream.
*Patrick: I know. (shoves face in ice cream) This is like, my fourth one today.
*Sandy: Hey, SpongeBob, about those Playsponge magazines...
*SpongeBob: Nothing! They were.....Nothing.
*Sandy: Alright.
*(boat pulls up)
*Driver: SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, and Sandy Cheeks?
*SpongeBob: Yep.
*Patrick: Yep.
*Sandy: Yep.
*Driver: Get in.
*(SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy go into the boat.)
*SpongeBob: Wait, where are we going again? Some kind of cheese land?
*Sandy: Swiss City. I've heard of it before, but I've never visited there.
*Patrick: It would be called Cheddar City if it was a cheese land.
*SpongeBob: Very funny.
*Sandy: Guys, Swiss and Cheddar are cheeses. But this place has nothing to do with cheese.
*(The boat starts)
*Patrick: This is fun!
*Sandy: This is almost as fun as karate!
*SpongeBob: This makes me feel all tingly inside!
*Driver: If you like it, do you want me to go faster?
*All: Woo! Faster! Yeah!
*(The boat speeds up)
*Patrick: I think I'm going to be sick. (sticks his head underwater and pukes)
*Patrick (pulling his head back up): That's better.
*Sandy: Do you have to do that?
*Patrick: No. (vomits again)
*SpongeBob: I can't believe we're descendants of an ancient warrior!
*Sandy: Maybe that's why I'm so good at karate! (chops SpongeBob, he spits out blood)
*SpongeBob: Ow. (A tooth falls out)
*Patrick: What am I good at?
*Sandy: Don't worry, you must have something the warrior had.
*(Patrick punches Sandy in the nose)
*Sandy: Maybe that.
*Driver (On microphone) We will be leaving for Swiss City now. Please pick up your bags.
*(Driver's POV, the boat moves towards a forest.)
*(The boat stops.)
*All: We're here! (They exit the boat)
*(Patrick walks to a dump with tree stumps, litter everywhere, toxic waste and skeletons. The others are turning the other way)
*Patrick: Don't tell me that we've just moved to this piece of cr-
*SpongeBob: You're obviously looking at the rival town of Swiss City, (reads sign) City of Trash. Turn around.
*(Patrick turns around. We see from his point of view a sign saying "Swiss City", a beautiful forest, many huts, an armour shop, and a giant castle. Warriors are running around, training for battle.
*Patrick: Oh. My. God.
*Sandy: It's amazing, isn't it?
*(Patrick walks into the City of Trash by accident)
*SpongeBob: Don't go there! That's the wrong place!
*Patrick: Oh. (walks into Swiss City, the others following him.)
*(A fish dressed in armour walks into Sandy)
*Sandy: Excuse me.
*Fish: Welcome to Swiss City! You are...?
*Sandy: Sandy Cheeks.
*Fish: Really?
*Sandy: Yes.
*Fish: Admission granted.
*SpongeBob: SpongeBob SquarePants.
*Fish: I've heard of you! Oh, well - admission granted.
*Patrick: Patrick - uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh, Circle.
*Fish: Patrick Circle, okay?
*Sandy: Sorry, he's quite stupid. He's Patrick Star.
*Fish: Admission granted too. (They walk in, guided by the fish.)
*Fish: Did I mention, my name is Sword?
*SpongeBob: Does everyone have cool names here? (They walk into a tent)
*Sword: This is the Choosing Tent. Here, they choose what tribe you're suited for. The tribes are Wind, Earth, Water, North, South, West and East. This crazy prophet called Arkrin keeps on saying that there will be a Fire tribe soon, but there has not been. (They walk into the tent)
*Patrick: Is there a toilet in this thing?
*Tribe-Chooser: SILENCE!
*Patrick: Fine, I'll go outside.
*(Patrick walks out.)
*SpongeBob: What's your name?
*Tribe-Chooser: Hoogra!
*SpongeBob: Weird name. You're always a bit angry, aren't you?
*(Hoogra turns into a monster)
*Hoogra: DO NOT INSULT WHO WILL DECIDE YOUR LIFE HERE! IF YOU DO, YOU WILL BE SENT OUT OF SWISS CITY, OR WORSE, EXECUTED!
*Sandy: Alright, alright!
*Hoogra: Now, it is time. SpongeBob SquarePants, you shall be in tribe North.
*SpongeBob: Yes!
*Hoogra: Patrick Starfish, you shall be in South.
*Patrick: What? Why can't I be in the same tribe as SpongeBob?
*Hoogra: SILENCE! Now, Sandy Cheeks, you shall be in South too.
*Sandy: Yee-haw!
*Hoogra: Now, I'll just leave you here to do whatever. (Hoogra exits.)
*SpongeBob: So, we're all in different...tribes?
*Patrick: Yeah.
*SpongeBob: It's too bad you guys couldn't be in mine, we're obviously going to be the best.
*Patrick: What?! Our tribe is going to be the best!
*SpongeBob: No, mine!
*Sandy: Mine!
*SpongeBob: Alright, Patrick, Sandy, if you all think your tribes are the best, let's have a race!
*Patrick: Yeah!
*Sandy: Yeah!
*SpongeBob: Meet you outside for a race across Swiss City!
*Patrick: Yeah!
*Sandy: Yeah!
*SpongeBob: Right now!
*Patrick: Yeah!
*(Sandy zooms off.)
*Patrick: Wait for me!
*(Patrick zooms off.)
*SpongeBob: Wait!
*(SpongeBob zooms off.)
(Closeup of Patrick running. He runs into a hut.)
*Patrick: Where am I?
*Clan Member: You are in your clan's hut.
*Patrick: I thought I was racing them.
*Clan Member: You can relax.
*(He puts his axe on the chair and Patrick sits on it.)
*Patrick: AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
*(He runs around with the axe sticking out for 10 seconds)
*Clan Member: This is a peaceful clan and we don't really want screaming. I'll take the axe out for you.
*(A loud crunching noise is heard offscreen and the clan member is then shown with the bloodstained axe in his hands)
*Patrick: That feels better.
*Clan Member: Sorry about the axe. That was my wrongdoing.
*(SpongeBob runs by.)
*SpongeBob: I'm gonna win!
*(Patrick gets up and starts running.)
*Patrick: Oh no you won't!
*SpongeBob: I can run faster then you!
*(Rope swings by, and it is discovered Sandy is on it.)
*Sandy: No, I can!
*SpongeBob: Hey, that's cheating!
*Patrick: Go, Sandy!
(Everyone outruns Patrick and you see him trying to keep up in slow motion)
*Patrick: Can't... go.. on.
*(He passes out next to a tree. The tree lifts him up by the pants.)
*Patrick (waking up) What? Has Raarg come back? AAAAAHHHH! IT'S A TREE!
*(The tree whacks him across the face with a branch)
*Tree: You are trespassing in our area.
*Patrick: Seriously, guys, this isn't funny. (The tree punctures a hole in his trousers)
*Patrick: Please stop! (He screams as a flock of branches hit him. Off-screen, you hear noises as Patrick is whipped with the tree.)
*Tree (offscreen): We are the trees. We will kill you.
*Patrick: (covered in bruises and cuts) Yaaaarrgh! Help me! Somebody! (The tree puts its branch over his mouth, whacks him there, and all his teeth fall out.) I didn't even know I had teeth!
*(Cut to a grassy forest)
*Sandy: Where's Patrick?
*SpongeBob: I don't know, he must be somewhere.
*(SpongeBob hears screams.)
*SpongeBob: Sandy, I think Patrick's in trouble!
*Sandy: Oh, I see. Well, I ain't falling for that one!
*(Sandy runs into a tree.)
*Sandy: Ouch...
*Tree 2: Trespassers! Trespassers!
*Sandy: What the---huh---trees aren't supposed to---(faints)
*SpongeBob: Excuse me, tree, but we are not trespassing. We are having a race.
*Tree 2: YOU ARE ON OUR UNAUTHORIZED GROUND WITHOUT PERMISSION, WHICH IS CALLED TRESPASSING! Prepare to die.
*(Tree's branches tie up SpongeBob.)
*(The scene zooms out to show SpongeBob and the tree in the distance, with Patrick screaming, even more battered)
*Patrick: Spare me! I can't do this any longer! (He sees SpongeBob in the distance) Phew, we're even now. (A thousand branches whack Patrick)
*Patrick (Muffled) Sandy! Help! I'm suffocating! (The branches tighten even further and the others scratch him, he shouts out screams of pain)
*(Patrick's POV. First you just see green and brown all over the screen, then the branches pan out. The camera moves up, and a sword covered in green blood is shown.)
*(End of POV.)
*Patrick: A sword! (The branches let go of Patrick, preparing for another attack. Patrick grabs the sword.
*Tree: We are the trees. We can see everything.
*Patrick: Well, you don't know what the hell you're seeing!
*(Patrick moves the sword closer to the tree.)
*Tree: What are you doing with that thing?
*(Patrick chops off one of the branches. He cuts off each branch individually. Then he jumps off the tree and runs to SpongeBob.)
*Patrick (slow motion) SpongeBob!
*SpongeBob: Patrick you're alive! (The tree covers his mouth)
*Tree 2: Get out of my way, trespasser.
*Patrick: I'm used to this. (He draws his sword and cuts the tree in half. Sap splatters all over the place and the tree loosens its grip on SpongeBob)
*SpongeBob: You saved my life! Now, let's run.
*Patrick: I'm tired. I'm going to rest with Sandy.
*SpongeBob: Cool. You do that. (He runs off)
*(Patrick sleeps next to Sandy and drops his sword. He wriggles in his sleep and sits on the sword. He wakes up.)
*Patrick: AAAAAARRRGGHHH! WHY... DOES... THIS... KEEP.. HAPPENING... TO... ME?
*(Sandy wakes up.)
*Sandy: Patrick, you're alive! Have you saved SpongeBob?
*Patrick: Ow, my butt! (He runs extremely fast and outruns SpongeBob)
*Sandy: Better catch up. (runs very fast)
*(Cut to the Krusty Krab. There is a close up of burning patties and then of Mr. Krabs crying)
*Krabs: (crying) Where is SpongeBob? The Krusty Krab's going to go out of business!
*Squidward: Well, I'm quite happy he's gone. (He leaves the Krusty Krab and walks back home.)
*(Cut to Sandy, SpongeBob, and Patrick. Patrick still has not removed the sword from his butt, Sandy is doodling in her notepad, and SpongeBob is itching.
*SpongeBob: Why am I so itchy? (He turns around to show a giant spider on his back)
*Patrick: There's a thing on it.
*(SpongeBob turns around)
*SpongeBob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
*(Patrick covers his ears)
*Sandy: That's a sea-spider!
*Patrick: What?
*Sandy: A sea-spider!
*Patrick: Do not mention those foul creatures around me!
*Sandy: What?
*Patrick: You know, I have that spider fear. You know, arabbydabby?
*Sandy: It's arachnophobia, but never mind, let's run! (They all run really fast, SpongeBob screaming, and they fall one by one onto a web)
*Patrick: Ew, this place is so sticky.
*SpongeBob: Sandy? Sandy?
*(Sandy is lying unconscious in the corner. An enormous spider is wrapping her up in web)
*Both: DON'T EAT SANDY!
*(The spider web shakes and ten spiders fall)
*SpongeBob: Run!
*Patrick: We can't move!
*(SpongeBob's POV. A huge shadow dawns over him and then... End of POV. We see SpongeBob with a bloody bite mark in his chest.)
*SpongeBob (fainting) Hey, guys. (He faints)
*Patrick: SpongeBob!
*(The web shakes and two hundred more spiders fall. Patrick is up to his chin in spiders, Sandy is being forced into one of the spiders' mouth, and SpongeBob is being bitten repeatedly.)
*(A drop of spider saliva drops onto Sandy, waking her up.)
*Sandy: Help! (She chops the inside of the spider's mouth with her karate glove many times)
*Patrick: I'll save you, Sandy! (He pushes, some of the web loosens, more spiders fall and bite his head, he draws his sword, and cuts the spider in half)
*Sandy: Thanks. Now, we just need to save SpongeBob. But, before, we can do that, we need you to cut the web off me.
*Patrick: What's a web?
*Sandy: Duh! What we're trapped in, you idiot.
*Patrick: Thank you for your polite view of me. (cuts web)
*(Sandy moves across the web in slow motion as the spider chases after her. She breaks the spider's skull by karate chopping its head and then approaches SpongeBob.)
*Sandy: SpongeBob!!!
*SpongeBob: Sandy! (runs up to Sandy) Is the race off?
*Patrick: Yeah, I'm exhausted.
*Sandy: Come on, you big babies! We still have to get back to Swiss City!
*SpongeBob: Alright...but can we walk?
*Sandy: Fine. We must kill the spiders first, though.
*(While epic music plays, the gang kill the spiders one by one. Sandy squashes a spider by stepping on its head. SpongeBob punches a spider until it passes out. Patrick attempts to stab a spider but the spider bites him.)
*Patrick: Ouch.
*He then tries again and kills the spider. A very large spider comes along, which SpongeBob kicks, Sandy punches and Patrick headbutts. By the end of the fight, they are covered in yellow blood.)
*SpongeBob: Glad that's over. (Millions of tiny spiders come dashing towards SpongeBob) Dammit!
*(Patrick sits on the web)
*Patrick: I don't like this. (He stands up to reveal that he has squashed the spiders)
*SpongeBob: Let's go!
*(The scene shows SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy slowly walking back to Swiss City, then cuts to each tribe tent)
*(SpongeBob's tent)
*SpongeBob: Woah, I'm damn tired. That spider really did me in.
*Clan Member: We are glad that you fought. I shall now present to you your armour! (hands over armour)
*SpongeBob (singing): This is the best day ever...
*Clan Member: Please don't start that.
*(Patrick and Sandy's tent)
*Patrick: And then I was tied to this tree, and then it said some creepy shit! It whacked me here, here, here, here, here, here and here! Then it covered my mouth so I couldn't talk, and then I got this sword and I cut the trees -
*Clan Member 2: Gimme a break! We need to hear from you, Sandy.
*Sandy: Aww, I don't have much to say.
*Clan Member: I just received a message that your spongy friend has got his armour. That means you can have yours.
*Patrick and Sandy: Whee!
*(cut to black)
*SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy: We're going to have a lot of fun here!
*(cut to credits)
*(post-credits sequence)
*Mr. Krabs: I'm ruined!
*(All of a sudden, a stampede of molasses come in.)
*Squidward: Ahhh!
*(The stampede of molasses picks up Pearl.)
*Pearl: Ahhh! Daddy, help!
*Mr. Krabs: Pearl! Not my daughter, you b-
*(episode ends)
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