Go Back

He let the water run as he passed the washcloth over
her.  The slippery, wriggling infant
seemed determined to make his task as difficult as possible.  Fuck, he screamed internally.  This was supposed to have been his wife’s job.  He was never supposed to be doing this.
The pain of Emily’s loss was always there, but in moments
like this, it was much more acute.  He
longed for her, the softness of her body, the smell of her hair.  He hated her for leaving, for promising to
live and to always be there, and then failing, leaving him to face alone the
world they had dreamed up together.  
He was beyond all attempts to rationalize his feelings.  Most days he spent in a haze of morbid and
self-punishing thoughts as he merely went through the motions of caring for the
child.  When he closed his eyes, he saw
that cold room, the white sheet, the steady hands that lifted it.  Beneath it, Emily’s bloodless face, devoid of
that tension that indicates life.  Not
even the accident, not even death, could ruin her beauty.
If only…, he thought. 
If only, I could somehow… go back.
A jolt of pain in his toe woke him from one misery to
another.  He found himself standing in
his bedroom, having absent-mindedly walked there and stubbed his toe on the dresser.  “Fuck!” he shouted, verbally this time, as
the baby was well out of earshot.  The
pain of mourning mingled with the pain of a split toe nail, and everything
before him became the object of fiery hate. 
His breath became labored.  The
air that filled them, mud.  He needed out
of that room, out of that house, and he needed it now.
Hurriedly, he tore the soaked shirt from his body and threw
on a new one.  Reasoning the baby would
be fine if he left for only a few minutes, he thumped down the stairs and grabbed
his keys on the way out the door.  A
moment later, he sat in his car, feeling the rumble of the engine.  It was such a welcome sensation that, for a
moment, he closed his eyes and tilted his head back.  Some things, however tiny, reminded him of how
freedom felt.
He picked a direction and peeled out of the driveway.  There was no destination for this evening’s
trip.  “Away for a while” was specific
enough.  The road was practically empty
in the dimming light of sunset.  He
thought nothing of speeding, taking what pleasure he could in ripping noisily
down one residential street after another.
The minutes ticked by and homes became less and less
frequent.  Soon, civilization gave way to
nature and a thick forest loomed over both sides of the road.  By now, the sun had completely set and the
only illumination seemed to come from his own headlights.  With so few distractions, his thoughts turned
to his wife.  She would absolutely hate what
he was doing.  “How could you leave the
baby all by herself?” she would shout at him. 
“Don’t you know what could happen?”
Before he could imagine his reply, something leaped in front
of the car.  There was no time to react.  The impact was fast and hard.  He jerked forward in his seat as the car
stopped short.  For a few seconds, he sat
there, shaking, hands still gripping the wheel. 
He took in a few gulps of air, and found himself again.  What the fuck was that?
Slowly, he opened the door and climbed out.  His anxiety grew as he imagined what he might
find beneath his front wheels.  Nothing
could have prepared him, however.
There, lying quivering in the road, was Emily.  Icy pins and needles ran over his scalp and
shoulders.  Without thinking, he rushed
to her.  As he lifted her head, she sputtered.  Dark red blood bubbled from her lips and ran
down the side of her face.  Her eyes
darted wildly.
“Emily!” he shouted.  “Oh
my God, Emily!”
She spit out more blood. 
A gurgling hiss issued forth from her lips.
“Hang on!” he said.  “You’re
going to be okay.  I’m not going to lose
you again.  My God, I’m so sorry!”
The gurgling hiss gained volume and strength, finally giving
way to words.  “Go… back….”
Panic turned to puzzlement. 
“What?” he asked.
“Go… back…,” Emily repeated. 
“The… baby….”
“The baby’s fine,” he said. 
“Just relax.  I’m going to call for
help.”
He began to lower her head slowly to the pavement, but never
made it the whole way.  Before his eyes,
his wife’s face began to shrivel and blacken. 
Her lips curled upward, her eyes liquefied, and her skin became leathery
before falling away completely.  The
bones beneath turned from white to yellow to brown before disintegrating into
dust.  The night wind soon carried it all
away.
He sat stunned for a moment. 
Nothing remained where he was sure his wife had been.  He looked up at the car.  There was no sign that any accident had
occurred.  What the fuck, he silently demanded.  Could he really have created such a vivid
hallucination?  It had to be, he
decided.  There was simply no other
explanation.
As soon as his legs could be moved, he stood and got back
into the car.  This, he decided, was a good
time to end his little drive through the countryside for the night, and a quick
U-turn set him back on the course for home.
He replayed the evening’s events as he walked up the
driveway and turned his key in the lock. 
As soon as he set foot inside, however, something else caught his attention.  A sound. 
What was it?  Running water?
Panic seized him all over again.  A terrible realization overcame him.  Two by two, he rushed up the stairs and to
the bathroom.  The sound had grown
louder, and water flowed freely from beneath the door, forming a puddle in the
hallway.  
He threw the door open, slamming it hard against the
wall.  Across the room, the bathtub
overflowed.  He slipped across the tile
floor and dropped to his knees, the water splashing around him.
There was no wriggling, no squirming, no movement at all.  Only the water kept flowing, and only a
blank, tensionless little face stared up at him from beneath it.
Category:Ghosts
Category:Jdeschene