THE LAST JAR OF PEANUT-BUTTER

Greetings kiddies, could I interest you in delicious PEANUT-BUTTER HANDWICHES?  They're real good FINGER FOOD ha-ha-ha.  Good!  They're also the SLOPIC of tonight's TASTY-TIDBIT, about a man who finds himself in quite a bit of a STICKY-SITUATION I name...
A man was in his Chicago, Illinois home on his couch, watching "Leave It To Beaver" come on his t.v. back in the Summer of 1959.  He drank a bottle of gin and got up, going to his kitchen.  Opening his cupboard, there was one jar of peanut butter among cake mix and cans of Campbell's tomato soup.  "Oh, the last jar of peanut butter eh!" he whined to himself and got it out of the cupboard.  He opened the jar and smelled it.  "Ew, rancid!" the guy gagged.  He threw the jar of peanut butter and its lid in the trash can and sipped more of his gin.  As the evening continued, the peanut butter within the jar wiggled more and more.  The man fell asleep on the sofa and the television set showed snow on the screen then.  During the night, he woke to the noise of something clanging on glass.  "What's that sound I wonder?" he asked himself, trotting into the kitchen.  It was the sound of the peanut-butter clanging against the glass jar,  It had grown in size and was wiggling the rest of the way out of the jar.  It was a huge blob, growing to the size of the garbage can and the man saw it crawl from the trash can out, onto his kitchen-floor.  "I must be drunk on gin" the man muttered in fear.  Then, the blob of peanut butter grew a mouth and many, many white pointy-teeth grew within the mouth.  The man ran back into his living-room, dialing a number on his phone.  
"Yes, I have something potentially lethal in my house.  Please send a cop.  My address is 23 North Street.  Thank you" he spoke on the phone abd hung up.  He got a gun out of the closet and aimed it at the creature of peanut-butter emerging from his kitchen.  It kept on growing and crawling as it let out a high-pitched growl and snarl.  The creature of peanut butter grew to the size of the man and developed beatty-eyes on the sides of its head.  "WHOA!!!!" the man yelled in terror and shook the gun in his hands.  "WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU??" he screamed at the monster.  It looked at a bowl of mashed-potatoes and gravy on the dining room-table aqnd crawled on over to it with a high snarl and growl.  Meanwhile a police officer drove to 23 North Street and went to the door, ringing the doorbell.  The monster of peanut-butter poured the mashed-potatoes and gravy into its stretching-mouth of pointed-teeth with the yellow-clawed-hands that it grew just then, chewing the food up, insanely.  The man made it to his door, answering it.  "Good evening, sir, I am Officer Hanson.  What seems to be the trouble?" the cop introduced himself to the guy as, inquiring.  "Yes, Officer Hanson, I'm Marty McGranger please help me with this sir!!!!" he replied, pleading.  Officer Hanson stepped inside Marty's home and gasped in horror, aiming his gun at the thing in the dining-room.  The monster of peanut butter blinked its beatty eyes of yellow, dropping the bowl on the floor.  Its high-pitched growling and snarling turned into roaring.  Both Marty McGranger and Officer Hanson fired their guns at it, but the bullets absorbed into the creature's throat of peanut butter.  The men ran out of the house.  
"What do we do, Officer Hanson?" Marty McGranger asked him after they got into the police car.  "Call for backup of course Mr. McGranger sir" he repled, calming down.  "Wait a minute, Officer, that monster of some sort is hungry.  It ate some of my food.  If we cannot shoot it, maybe we can feed it and trick it somehow" Marty suggested.  "Why, that is a good idea Mr. McGranger instead of getting cops killed by radioing for backup" Officer Hanson agreed.  Marty went and quickly shut and latched up his front door tight.  Then he rode off with Officer Hanson.  They rode to a police station and hurried inside.  A prisoner was sleeping in a jail cell and Officer Hanson got in there and shook him awake.  "Ofiicer, are you transfeering me to one of the prisons already or something?" the criminal yawned, asking.  "You'll see, King come on" he yawned in reply.  "See, if I get ahold of a gun, I'm gonna blow somebody's brains out like I was gonna do when I robbed that shop downtown" King carried on, as Officer Hanson held a gun to his back having him handcuffed.  Marty, and Officer Hanson rode back to Marty's house with King and Marty unlatched his door, Officer Hanson taking King into the place.  The monster was drinking the rest of the gin from Marty's bottle in his front room, then eyed the three men.  It roared and got ahold of King.  Screaming, King's head was being chewed on by the beast and the sounds of bones snapping were heard.  As it fed on King's now dead body, Marty and Officer Hanson got fireworks out of Marty's drawers in the corner.  The men shoved the fireworks into the monster's back and it dropped the skeleton of King on the floor, roaring.  It  crawled after the men out, into the yard.  Marty lit the fireworks on fire with matches fast and as the thing roared, they went off in seconds, exploding the monster.  Peanut butter splattered both men, as fireworks lit-up the sky.  "Is this stuff what I think it is Mr. McGranger?" the cop wondered.  "Yes, peanut-butter, Officer Hanson.  Darn,  I cannot use these fireworks for the city Fourth Of July Festival this year like in past years" Marty answered him, then concluded.  
Now that ending was quite BUTTER even though Marty McGranger paid PEANUTS for the fireworks for THE FOURTH OF GHOUL-Y FESTIVAL.  That monster really seemed angry.  I mean it BLEW UP on Marty and Officer Hanson hee-hee!  The creature of peanut-butter really grew in a JIF-Y aha-ha-ha-ha.