Killer Klowns from Outer Space/Transcript

== Transcript ==
Officer Mooney: Little son of a bitch.
Bob McReed: Cops.
Officer Mooney: This is Mooney calling in.
Dave Hansen: [on speakers] Read you. What's doing, Curt?
Officer Mooney: Nothing yet, Dave, but Friday night's just starting. I'm heading across town to the park. Check in with you later.
Radio Announcer: That was a hot tune from The Doorman, but now we're going to slow it down a little bit for all you make-out artists at the Top of the World.
Give me a cold one.
All right.
Paul Terenzi: I'm Jojo the ice cream clown with the bestest ice cream in town. We'll give you the stick, you give it a lick, and it'll tickle you all the way down. Ice cream, ice cream. We brought our goodies here to you-- a tasty treat for while you screw. Let's take a break. Cool off those hot lips with our tasty frozen fruity bars-- icy wicys, fudgy wudgy bars, and everyone's favorite frozen delight, the lick-a-stick.
Jeez, what the--
Get out of here, you morons! Hey, take your ice cream and get lost.
Paul Terenzi: Oh, yeah?
Quiet down. You got the speaker on.
Beat it, you jerk.
Paul Terenzi: So, you don't want any ice cream? Well, you're not getting any.
We were getting it before you showed up.
Mike Tobacco: Those guys, man-- What the hell are they doing here?
Rich Terenzi: Great idea, Paul. Everybody loves ice cream.
Paul Terenzi: What do you mean? It was your idea. Hey, why don't we just park here for a while?
Stacy: Hey, what are you guys trying to pull here?
Rich Terenzi: Well, we thought we'd park here for a while.
Tracy: You said we could have all the ice cream we wanted, but you didn't say anything about parking.
Stacy: What kind of girls do you think we are?
Rich Terenzi: I told you they weren't that stupid.
Stacy: We want you to take us home right now.
Tracy: Yeah.
Paul Terenzi: Take it easy. Keep your shirt on.
Stacy: Don't worry. We intend to.
Rich Terenzi: Well, this worked out just great.
Paul Terenzi: Don't blame me. I didn't want to come here. Hey, why don't we try the drive-in?
Rich Terenzi: Oh, that's dumb. Hey, wait a minute. What's playing?
Mike Tobacco: Knuckleheads.
Debbie Stone: You know those guys?
Mike Tobacco: Those guys are my best friends from school. I tell you, whenever I want to have a good time, I call Rich and Paul. A night out with those guys... is a total adventure. What am I talking about the Terenzi brothers for, when I would much rather- be kissing you?
Debbie Stone: Oh... This is great.
Mike Tobacco: Yeah.
Bob McReed: Wow, check that out.
Mike Tobacco: Did you see that?
Debbie Stone: Yeah, I saw that. That was incredible.
Farmer Green: Well, I'll be hornswoggled. Did you see that little old sky guppy zip down in there, Pooh? Hoo! It's Halley's Comet, and he's landed in our backyard. There's gonna be thousands of people. Thousands of people are coming. They're gonna have hot dogs. Gonna have helicopters and airplanes and tacos. It's-- This is our lucky day. We's gonna be rich, Pooh. We gonna be rich.
Debbie Stone: Come on, let's go check it out.
Mike Tobacco: Oh, come on. No way. Debbie, it's a waste of time. It's got to be 1,000 miles away. We'd ruin our whole evening.
Debbie Stone: Don't give me that. You saw how close it was. It landed right over the hill. Now, that is not 1,000 miles away. Come on. You can find it, Mr. Adventure.
Mike Tobacco: Debbie, don't you want to finish our champagne?
Debbie Stone: Take it with us. Come on.
Mike Tobacco: OK.
Farmer Green: Heel. Come on, come on. Attention, dog. Come on. Well... I'll be greased and fried. What in blue blazes is the circus doing up in these parts? I love the circus. Come on. Maybe we can get us some free passes. Come on, Pooh. I never seen one that looked like this one before. Well... I don't know, Pooh. You know, there's something kind of peculiar around here. Where is everybody?
There ain't nobody around. Where-- where's the dang ticket booth? How are we supposed to get in and see the show? Pooh? Pooh Bear? Where is that dog? Pooh? Something funny's happening around here. What in tarnation's going on here? Oh! Where's my dog? Where's my Pooh Bear? I'll tear this thing apart with my bare hands! Oh, ha-ha! Ow! This thing is wired.
Officer Mooney: All right, get in there!
Dave Hansen: What's going on, Curt?
Officer Mooney: Same old shit. I caught them boozing it up in the park.
Punk #1: We're just walking through the park on the way to the dorm. We had a bottle of wine.
Punk #2: Yeah. It's a beautiful night. We were walking around. We didn't do nothing.
Dave Hansen: You guys go to the college, right?
Punk #2: Yeah. Yeah, right.
Dave Hansen: So why don't you just stay there and do your drinking on campus? Why do you have to come into town?
Punk #1: Well, I mean, we live in this town, too. I mean, we don't have to just stay on campus.
Officer Mooney: Yeah... and it's scum like you that are killing this town.
Dave Hansen: Come on, Curt! Curt! Come on, come on, Curt. Now, just take it easy.
Officer Mooney: What's the matter, Dave? You got a thing for these little boys? Empty your pockets!
Punk #2: We just had a little wine. What's the problem?
Officer Mooney: You're the problem, you little shit!
Dave Hansen: Just lighten up, Mooney. Just lighten up.
Officer Mooney: Back off, Dave. Open container, public intoxication, littering, disturbing the peace, resisting arrest-- These kids are history. Unless you want to rewrite the laws, Mr. Police Academy.
Dave Hansen: Look. You got this problem with my training, I don't care, but when you bring someone into the station, I don't want to see you beating them up. Now, if you're going to book them, do it according to procedure, or I swear, Curt, you and that badge of yours will be history.
Officer Mooney: I'll tell you what's going to be history, Dave-- these kids. Now, get in there. Get in there!
Mike Tobacco: Shit. Yeah, it looks like we're going to have to walk from here. Let's see. If instinct serve chief correct...
Debbie Stone: Uh-huh.
Mike Tobacco: Path lie... that way. We must travel many moons-- many... many moons. Many... many...
Debbie Stone: Enough already with the moons. Lead the way, Chief Running-at-the-mouth.
Mike Tobacco: Holy shit. That was no shooting star. Looks like a...
Debbie Stone: Circus tent.
Mike Tobacco: What's a circus tent doing all the way out here? It's a pretty lousy location for a show.
Debbie Stone: Something's wrong. This-- this doesn't feel right. Weren't we looking for the shooting star?
Mike Tobacco: Come on, this looks neat. Let's check this out.
Debbie Stone: No. Let's go. I've seen enough.
Mike Tobacco: Oh, come on, Deb. I want to take a closer look. You can stay here.
Debbie Stone: Alone?
Mike Tobacco: Well, would you be more scared if you came with me or if I left you here?
Debbie Stone: If you left me here. Let's go.
Mike Tobacco: Come on. Come on.
Debbie Stone: OK, OK. I'm coming.
Mike Tobacco: Come on, let's check this out.
Debbie Stone: No. Mike. Mike, we-- we better not.
Mike Tobacco: Deb, you are going to love this. Don't be a baby.
Debbie Stone: This is bizarre. What kind of circus is this?
Mike Tobacco: This is that new wave European circus fantastique. Hurry, hurry. Step right up. See the circus bizarro. Come one, come all. Step right up, little lady. Don't be shy. Don't be stupid. Come see the incredible Miss 50-50-- half man, half woman-- the perfect double date. Oh, yeah. That's right, little lady. Step right up here and see Gumbo, the toothless elephant. Or right over here, we've got Belinda, the bulimic wonder. Watch her binge and purge before your very eyes. Ha!
Debbie Stone: Mike, keep it down. Somebody will catch us.
Mike Tobacco: God, is this place great or what? I mean, it looks like it was decorated by Clowns "R" Us.
Debbie Stone: I don't know. So, how much further you want to go?
Mike Tobacco: Well... Well, let's just go down to the end of this hall where those doors are. Come on.
Mike Tobacco: This is no funhouse.
Debbie Stone: No circus, either.
Mike Tobacco: What? I can't believe it. What is it, a nuclear power plant?
Debbie Stone: No.
Mike Tobacco: A missile silo?
Debbie Stone: No.
Mike Tobacco: A military base?
Debbie Stone: No! No! The shooting star.
Mike Tobacco: What are you talking about?
Debbie Stone: The shooting star we went to go look for-- we are in it. What was that?
Mike Tobacco: I don't know... but it's coming this way. Here. Come on.
Mike Tobacco: Look at this place. It smells like candy. You know, I don't know what we saw out there before, but... this looks like a cotton candy factory to me. Yeah. This must be where they hang it up to dry before they ship the stuff out.
Debbie Stone: No, it's not. I've never seen anything like this before, have you?
Mike Tobacco: No.
Debbie Stone: Well, that's because nobody has. I don't believe in UFOs, but if they do exist, then-- then we're trapped in one right now.
Mike Tobacco: Debbie, will you just calm down? There's got to be a logical explanation for this.
Debbie Stone: This isn't what you think it is. Nobody stores cotton candy like this.
Mike Tobacco: What are you talking about? Of course it is. Look.
Mike Tobacco: Joe Lombardo.
Mike Tobacco: Down this way.
Mike Tobacco: Are you OK?
Debbie Stone: I think so.
Mike Tobacco: Come on.
Debbie Stone: Popcorn? Why popcorn?
Mike Tobacco: Because they're clowns, that's why.
Debbie Stone: Mike, get me out of here! Hurry, they're coming!
Debbie Stone: We have to tell the police.
Mike Tobacco: We're going to run to the police and tell them there's a bunch of clowns running around killing people with cotton candy?
Debbie Stone: I have a friend there. I know he'll believe us.
Mike Tobacco: I don't know, Debbie. I wouldn't even believe us.
Dave Hansen: What the heck?
Debbie Stone: Dave! Oh, my God! Something horrible has happened! Somebody's been killed!
Dave Hansen: Wait a second, Debbie. What happened?
Debbie Stone: You got to help us! We got to do something! There are two people dead!
Dave Hansen: Who, Debbie? Who's dead?
Mike Tobacco: Joe Lombardo. He's dead.
Debbie Stone: And-- and some old man, too.
Dave Hansen: Wait a second, guys. Are you sure about this?
Mike Tobacco: Yes! it-- they were hanging there wrapped up in these cotton candy things-- these... cocoons.
Dave Hansen: Cocoons?
Mike Tobacco: Yes, cocoons.
Debbie Stone: You know, cocoons.
Dave Hansen: All right, everybody calm down. Look, Debbie, come inside and explain this to me. I'd like to help you, but before I can, I've got to understand what's going on here myself.
I really need to get some mascara, OK?
OK, why don't we just go to the drugstore? OK? And then we'll go on.
Look.
Cute.
Dave Hansen: All right, sit down. Let's start from the beginning, all right?
Debbie Stone: OK, OK. We were up at the Top of the World, and-- and we saw this shooting star, and we decided to go look for it. But instead of finding the shooting star, we saw this-- this circus tent. And that's when we went inside, and that's when we saw all those people in those-- those pink cotton candy cocoons. Dave, it was not a circus tent. It was something else.
Dave Hansen: What? What?
Mike Tobacco: It was a spaceship, and there was these things, these... killer clowns, and they shot popcorn at us. We barely got away.
Officer Mooney: Killer clowns from outer space? Holy shit.
Debbie Stone: Dave, we are telling you the truth. You've got to believe us.
Officer Mooney: Let me tell you something, honey. I was just over there. There's nothing going on.
Debbie Stone: Excuse me, please, but we're talking to Dave.
Dave Hansen: Now, just hold on a second, Mooney. They say some people are dead. Let's hear them out.
Officer Mooney: All right, Dave. OK. Clowns, cotton candy, flying popcorn. Go ahead. Let them make fools out of the police department. I told you, I was just over there! You going to believe this little tramp?
Dave Hansen: Come on, Mooney! I'm handling this, all right? All right, all right, Debbie, who's your friend?
Debbie Stone: Mike. We go to school together.
Dave Hansen: You two were up at Top of the World together?
Debbie Stone: Yeah.
Officer Mooney: I know you, you little fart. You hang out with the Terenzi brothers. Clowns? I get it. Another one of their stupid stunts to sell ice cream from that goddamn truck those hoodlums run around in. Well, now I really believe this. Well, you better go now, Dave, before the clowns take over, huh? And when you get back from saving the world, I want a full written report so I can give it to the chief when he gets back on Monday.
Mike Tobacco: Look, everything happened just the way we said.
Debbie Stone: We are telling you the truth.
Dave Hansen: All right, all right. You two come with me. Come on.
Officer Mooney: Hurry up, Dave. Don't let them get away. Go ahead, Dave... make a dummy out of yourself. But you're not going to make a dummy out of me.
Dave Hansen: You, in the back.
Puppet Show Dude: Uh... Oh... Um... Whoa!
Mr. Myers: Oh... Excuse me. Oh. Oh, my. May I help you? Oh, no! Oh, no.
Dave Hansen: All right, we're going up there to check this out. First, I'm taking you home, Debbie.
Debbie Stone: No way. I'm going back up there with you. You can't tell me what to do.
Dave Hansen: Debbie, just listen to me, would you?
Debbie Stone: I don't have to listen to you. You are not my boyfriend anymore, all right?
Dave Hansen: Yeah, that's right. I'm not your boyfriend anymore. That doesn't change the way I feel about you, though.
Debbie Stone: Dave, please. Don't do this to me.
Dave Hansen: All right, Debbie, you got a choice. Either go home, or I'm going to take you back to the station and lock you up for safekeeping. How's that?
Bibbo: Pizza!
Girl: Oh. Pizza.
Bibbo: Uh-huh.
Woman: Oh! For me? Oh! Oh, Jim... is this from you? On!
Dave Hansen: Look, Debbie...
Debbie Stone: May I please speak to Mike outside?
Dave Hansen: Fine. Sure.
Debbie Stone: Thank you.
Mike Tobacco: Your old boyfriend? This is great.
Debbie Stone: Will you come here?
Mike Tobacco: He's probably going to take me up on top of the hill and shoot me.
Debbie Stone: Look, don't worry about Dave. It's those clowns you got to worry about. Listen, as soon as you guys leave here, I'm going to follow you guys up there.
Mike Tobacco: You're going to follow us up there? Debbie, I don't even want to go up there. Listen, you stay inside the house and keep the door locked. I'll be back here in a little bit to check on you. OK?
Debbie Stone: You better.
Mike Tobacco: That's good timing.
Rudy: Ooh!
Shorty: Oh!
Mike Tobacco: Wait a minute. Where is it?
Dave Hansen: Yeah, that's what I'd like to know, pal.
Mike Tobacco: It was right there where that hole is.
Dave Hansen: So are you saying that hole is where the tent was? The tent made that hole-- is that what you're telling me?
Mike Tobacco: Yes! It was there. Look, we saw it. That's a fact.
Dave Hansen: I'll tell you what the facts are, mister. You said people are being killed. Now, where are the bodies?
Mike Tobacco: I don't know. I saw Joe Lombardo dead. I can only tell you what I think I saw.
Dave Hansen: Oh, so now you just think you saw?
Mike Tobacco: No! I know what I saw. I just can't prove it. My proof is gone.
Dave Hansen: Yeah, right. Turn around, pal. Mooney was right, huh? Got nothing better to do but cause problems. Well, you're not going to get away with it this time.
Mike Tobacco: Get away with what? Debbie saw it, too.
Dave Hansen: Yeah, she did, didn't she?
Mike Tobacco: Ow!
Dave Hansen: Come on.
Black Biker: Hey, Eddie, is that a new bike you got?
Female Biker: What's happening, Spike?
Black Biker: Ooh! Big bad Jojo comin' into town.
Slug: Watch this, baby.
Black Biker: Is that bike too big for you?
Slug: Hey, Patty! Mean bike you got there. Yeah. Can I take a ride... pal?
Shorty: Uh-uh!
Slug: Can I beep the horn?
Shorty: Mm-hm.
Slug: Oh, thank you!
Black Biker: He should've let the man ride his bike.
Slug: I'm sorry. I... I seem to have broken your bike. Where'd he go?
Shorty: Put up your dukes, put up your dukes!
Slug: What are you going to do, knock my block off?
Black Biker: Damn!
Female Biker: Hey, come on, let's get out of here!
Biker: Come on, guys! Get me out of here!
Waitress: Here's some more ketchup for your French fries.
Mom #1: Now, here's some more ketchup. I want you to sit still and eat your hamburger. You know, this isn't as much fun as it used to be.
Mom #2: It is if you're the winners.
Mom #1: Back here, young lady. You're not going anywhere until you finish your food.
Mike Tobacco: What's going on?
Dave Hansen: All right, get out. Turn around.
Mike Tobacco: What are you doing, man? You're not going to hit me, are you?
Dave Hansen: Just turn around, pal, all right?
Mike Tobacco: Look, I'm sorry about Debbie, but I--
Dave Hansen: Just drop it, Mike! Check this out.
Mike Tobacco: That's the stuff. That's the stuff that I was telling you about that was all wrapped around Joe Lombardo. Where'd you get that?
Dave Hansen: Over in that Jeep over there.
Mike Tobacco: That's McReed's Jeep.
Dave Hansen: Who's McReed?
Mike Tobacco: Bob McReed. He was up here tonight with me and Debbie. Those are his glasses. They got him. He's dead.
Officer Mooney: Crescent Cove police station. Mooney speaking.
I'd like to report a disturbance.
Officer Mooney: Wait a minute. Calm down. I can't understand you.
Clowns!
Officer Mooney: What?
They're at my front door! They're destroying property!
Officer Mooney: Clowns, huh? And now they're at your front door, huh?
Yes, they're at my front door right now!
Officer Mooney: Wait a minute. Who is this?
Would you just get over here?
Officer Mooney: Stupid kids and their pranks. Rich little bastards. I'd shoot them all. Daddy sends them to fancy schools... so the police department can babysit the little pricks. Police station. Mooney speaking. Yeah.
Mr. Myers: Hello, Curt? I think I have a bit of a problem here.
Officer Mooney: Oh... Just a minute. Jesus, not you, too, Mr. Myers. Police station. Mooney here. What?
They took my wife-- the clowns...
Officer Mooney: Oh. They took your wife away in a balloon? Well, you don't need the police, pal. You need a psychiatrist! Mr. Myers? Do the Terenzi brothers have the whole town in on this? Well, to hell with them all. If they want to play games, they're messing with the wrong guy.
Man: Huh? Jesus! Oh, no! Oh, no! Come on, Joe, get going! God!
Dave Hansen: I'll call the state police up at Marlborough. They've got a lab. Maybe somebody up there can tell us what this stuff is. It's not cotton candy, that's for sure.
Mike Tobacco: Yes. Finally. That's what I've been telling you.
Dave Hansen: Look, I'm sorry I was a little tough on you back there. It's been a hard night. Having Debbie involved just makes it a lot more difficult.
Mike Tobacco: What can I say? I-- I didn't know--
Dave Hansen: It's got nothing to do with you, really. It's me. It's obvious she goes for laughs, not stability.
Boo.
Oh... Oh, my God.
Mike Tobacco: Look, you can just drop me off over here. I'll take the bus home.
Dave Hansen: No way. You're the one who's seen these things.
Mike Tobacco: Look! A clown! Right there! There he is. I told you. Will you get out there and shoot him? Get him, Dave. Kill him.
Dave Hansen: Hang on, Mike. Calm down. Let me check this out.
Mike Tobacco: Holy shit!
Dave Hansen: I don't believe it. Mike, let go! Mike! Mike! What are you doing, buddy? You could've gotten both of us killed!
Mike Tobacco: I'm sorry. I freaked out a little bit. Where is he?
Dave Hansen: I don't know. I don't see him anywhere.
Mike Tobacco: He's gone. He went straight up.
Dave Hansen: I've seen enough. One Baker five. Curt, do you read me? Over.
Officer Mooney: One Baker five. This is Mooney speaking. I was a little worried about you. I thought the big bad clowns got a hold of you. Over.
Dave Hansen: Mooney, I want you to listen to me and don't say anything. I want you to call the state police and get help. There are clowns, and they are killing people. Over.
Officer Mooney: OK, let me get this straight. You say there are clowns, and you've seen them. OK, Dave, that's it. Screw you and your college flunkies. I've had enough of this from you and from everyone else. I know what you guys are trying to do: break me down, drive me out of the force. Well, it's going to take a hell of a lot more than a lame prank like this to get Curtis Mooney to throw in his badge, so fuck you! Over.
Dave Hansen: Mooney, this is an emergency. Mooney! He cut me off. That son of a bitch cut me off! I got to get-- I got to get back to the station. I-- I don't know what I'm going to say, but I got to get through to the state police.
Rich Terenzi: Paul, get the truck!
Paul Terenzi: What about the girls?
Rich Terenzi: Forget about the girls. They eat too much.
Paul Terenzi: They didn't pay for the ice cream!
Rich Terenzi: So what? The truck's getting away!
Mike Tobacco: Hey, those aren't killer clowns. Those are the Terenzi brothers.
Dave Hansen: Terenzi brothers?
Mike Tobacco: Get back to the station. Radio for help. I'm going to catch up with my friends, try to warn people.
Dave Hansen: All right, just tell everyone to stay indoors and don't do anything stupid.
Mike Tobacco: You, too. Oh, shit.
Rich Terenzi: You idiot!
Paul Terenzi: Don't yell at me! You were driving! Can't you just do one thing right?
Rich Terenzi: This whole ice cream thing was your idea.
Paul Terenzi: My idea? You said we'd get girls this way.
Rich Terenzi: No, I didn't. You did.
Paul Terenzi: You did.
Rich Terenzi: You did.
Paul Terenzi: You did.
Mike Tobacco: Hey, Rich, Paul! Oh, man, am I glad to see you guys.
Paul Terenzi: Hey, Mike, how you doing? You want some ice cream?
Mike Tobacco: No, no, man, listen. Something horrible has happened. I need your help.
Rich Terenzi: What are you talking about?
Paul Terenzi: What's wrong?
Mike Tobacco: There's no time to explain. There's clowns going around killing people.
Terenzis: Ha!
Mike Tobacco: Tonight, Debbie and I were up on the Top of the World, and we followed this spaceship, and there were these... there were these clowns carrying cotton candy cocoons and they were shooting these-- these-- these popcorn guns. And there's-- there's a circus tent spaceship, right? But it's not there anymore, but we were there. We saw the whole thing.
Rich Terenzi: And they say we're crazy. So?
Mike Tobacco: Oh, come on, you guys. I'm not fooling around.
Paul Terenzi: Mike, what do you want us to do? We have ice cream to sell tonight.
Mike Tobacco: Paul, this is more important than selling ice cream. There's clowns going around killing people. We're all in danger.
Paul Terenzi: Well, we haven't sold that much ice cream tonight.
Rich Terenzi: We haven't sold any.
Mike Tobacco: Come on, guys, will you help me? Look, at least take me over to Debbie's house, OK? I think she's in danger.
Rich Terenzi: Does she have any roommates?
Mike Tobacco: Yes. She's got two. She's got two beautiful roommates... with big boobs.
Paul Terenzi: Do they like ice cream?
Mike Tobacco: They love it.
Terenzis: What are we waiting for?
Mike Tobacco: Come on! You guys, get out of the way.
Officer Mooney: Frig youse all. You ain't going to get the best of me. I made it through Korea. I can make it through this bullshit. Well... whoop dee goddamn dee do. What do we have here? Well, son, I think you made a big mistake. You're in Mooney's territory now. For me? I ought to shoot you right now, you red-nosed freak. So you want to play games, eh? Turn around! All right. I'm supposed to read you your rights, but you're in Mooney's jail... and you ain't got no rights. All right, buster. God.
Punk #1: Hey, Officer Mooney, come on, let us out of here.
Punk #2: Are we going to be here all night or what?
Punk #1: Yeah. We get one phone call, don't we?
Punk #2: Right. I'm going to call my--
Officer Mooney: Shut up! Get your hands up. Get in there. I don't know who you are, but before this night's over, you're going to be begging for mercy.
Punk #2: What are you in for?
Dave Hansen: Mooney! Police department. Hello? Mooney? Mooney, you back here? Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Officer Mooney: Hey, Dave, who was the lady I saw you with last night? Don't worry, Dave. All we want to do is kill you.
Jack: [on speakers] C.C.P.D., this is Marlborough State Police. Dave, Curt, are you there? Over.
Dave Hansen: Jack, Jack, we need your assistance. The town's gone crazy. People are being killed. Over.
Jack: What's all these reports about circus clowns?
Dave Hansen: These clowns aren't people. They're some kind of creatures, things from another planet. Jack, they're killing people. Officer Mooney is dead. I know. I saw it. He was killed by one of these things. Could you send all available units immediately, please? Over. Come on, Jack!
Jack: OK, calm down, buddy. Help is on the way.
Dave Hansen: Debbie.
Paul Terenzi: Calling all clowns, calling all clowns. This is Jojo. Are there any space clowns out there?
Mike Tobacco: You guys, will you stop fooling around?
Rich Terenzi: Look, Mike, come on. Cocoons, popcorn guns, monster shadows. Ooh! I mean, what do you think we are?
Paul Terenzi: We're not as stupid as we look.
Rich Terenzi: This isn't the first wild thing you've tried to put over on us.
Paul Terenzi: Look, you remember Hidden Lake?
Mike Tobacco: Oh, come on, forget Hidden Lake. This has nothing to do with Hidden Lake.
Rich Terenzi: We would have to be total morons to believe this clown invasion crap.
Paul Terenzi: If there are killer clowns running around here, then I'm Porky Pig.
Mike Tobacco: Get the hell out of here.
Debbie Stone: Ah! Ah!
Mike Tobacco: Debbie, Debbie, it's Mike. Open up.
Debbie Stone: Mike?
Slim: [mimicking Mike's voice] Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.
Debbie Stone: Ah!
Mike Tobacco: OK, see this white house right over here? Take a right-- I mean a left right here.
Rich Terenzi: A left?
Mike Tobacco: Right.
Rich Terenzi: Right.
Mike Tobacco: No, left! Left! The house right up... Holy shit. What is that?
Slim: Uh-oh.
Rich Terenzi: Wow. Look at that.
Debbie Stone: Mike!
Mike Tobacco: Come on, we can't lose them! They got Debbie!
Dave Hansen: Hey, Mike!
Mike Tobacco: Come on, Rich, we're losing them. Can you go a little bit faster?
Rich Terenzi: Come on, Mike, what do you want? This is an ice cream truck.
Paul Terenzi: Hey, Rich, the cops! Stop the truck!
Dave Hansen: Ah!
Paul Terenzi: Shit, Rich, now you did it.
Rich Terenzi: I did it? What do you mean? You told me to stop.
Paul Terenzi: I didn't. I told you to pull over.
Rich Terenzi: No, you didn't. You said stop, so I stopped.
Paul Terenzi: I meant pull over.
Rich Terenzi: If you meant pull over, you should have said pull over.
Paul Terenzi: Why don't you say what you mean next time?
Rich Terenzi: Come on, let's go see what happened.
Mike Tobacco: Dave, are you OK?
Dave Hansen: Oh, God. Oh, fuck. What the hell are you guys doing?
Mike Tobacco: They got Debbie.
Dave Hansen: Get in the truck, pal.
Rich Terenzi: Gee, officer, I'm really sorry. I was feeling a little queasy.
Dave Hansen: Hey, Mike, which way were they heading?
Mike Tobacco: They went that way, but now we lost them. I don't know where they went.
Dave Hansen: I do. If you were a clown, where would you hide?
Mike Tobacco: The amusement park!
Paul Terenzi: Great!
Rich Terenzi: All right!
Security Guard: The park's closed. I'll have to ask you to leave. What are you going to do with those pies, boys?
Dave Hansen: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Everybody stick together.
Mike Tobacco: She's gone.
Rich Terenzi: Wow. Hey, you guys, this is weird. Look at this stuff.
Paul Terenzi: Looks like a wad of melted ice cream.
Dave Hansen: Yeah, well, it's not.
Mike Tobacco: Oh, shit.
Dave Hansen: Yeah.
Mike Tobacco: Come on.
Dave Hansen: Mike, you take this and follow me. All right, now, you guys, no fooling around. Stick together, OK? What the hell's in here?
Paul Terenzi: Ooh, scary!
Mike Tobacco: Dave, did you get through for help?
Dave Hansen: Yeah. Yeah, help is on the way.
Mike Tobacco: You tell them it was an invasion?
Dave Hansen: I told them, but I don't really believe it myself. Where did they come from? Why are they here? Why, why clowns?
Mike Tobacco: They're not clowns. They're some kind of animal from another world that just look like clowns. Shit, Dave. Dave, maybe they're the ancient astronauts that came to our planet centuries ago, and our idea of clowns just comes from them.
Paul Terenzi: Well, how come they're not funny?
Rich Terenzi: Maybe they're from a dying planet. Maybe their sun pooped out and they need a new place to live.
Mike Tobacco: Maybe they're using us for experiments to dissect and study.
Dave Hansen: So that means they're intelligent. So why don't they communicate with us? I mean, talk to us instead of killing us?
Paul Terenzi: Maybe they're just cruising through the galaxy and stopped here for a bite to eat.
Dave Hansen: Yeah. Look, everybody, let's just hold off on the talking, OK? Let's not give ourselves away.
Mike Tobacco: What are we gonna do when we find them? Can we kill 'em?
Dave Hansen: Yeah. You shoot 'em in the nose.
Rich Terenzi: Hey, watch this.
Paul Terenzi: Cool.
Rich Terenzi: Whoo!
Dave Hansen: What happened? What did you do?
Paul Terenzi: I didn't do anything.
Dave Hansen: Look, don't touch anything, OK? This place is probably booby-trapped. All right now, look you guys, stay together. I don't want to have to find you, too.
Rich Terenzi: No problem. We can handle it.
Dave Hansen: Yeah. OK. All right, let's go. Where'd they go? Come on, Rich, Paul.
Mike Tobacco: Hey, look, don't worry about the Terenzi brothers. They do this all the time. Those guys are like cats. They always land on their feet.
Paul Terenzi: Oh! Ah!
Rich Terenzi: Ooh!
Paul Terenzi: Are you Debbie's roommates?
Mike Tobacco: Wait a second. I recognize this place.
Dave Hansen: What?
Mike Tobacco: This is the tent that Debbie and I were in. Come on!
Dave Hansen: Go, Mike.
Mike Tobacco: OK, this is where we were before.
Dave Hansen: Oh, this is incredible.
Mike Tobacco: Looks like they got the whole town.
Dave Hansen: We got to find her. What color balloon was she in?
Mike Tobacco: Uh... Yellow.
Dave Hansen: All right.
Mike Tobacco: Sh!
Dave Hansen: See anything, Mike?
Mike Tobacco: No.
Dave Hansen: This is impossible, Mike. Sh. Quiet. Move back.
Mike Tobacco: Paul was right, man. They are hungry. They're gonna eat everybody, man!
Dave Hansen: Just calm down. Just calm down, all right? We got to find Debbie before it's too late. All right. Hey. Hey, that's the one. The yellow balloon. Is she in there?
Mike Tobacco: Yeah, she's in there!
Dave Hansen: Debbie!
Mike Tobacco: She's alive.
Dave Hansen: Thank God. How do we get her out of here?
Mike Tobacco: I don't know.
Dave Hansen: Careful, Mike.
Mike Tobacco: Damn it!
Dave Hansen: Debbie. Honey. Hang on a sec, Mike.
Mike Tobacco: Damn! What are you doin'?
Dave Hansen: Just stand back, Mike.
Mike Tobacco: You can't shoot. You could kill her.
Dave Hansen: Well, just back off, all right? Now, just get ready to run. Are you all right? Are you OK?
Debbie Stone: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I couldn't breathe.
Dave Hansen: It's OK. Hey, Mike, hang on to her for a second. Oh, God. We got to get the hell out of here. Come on, Debbie. Come on, come on. Oh, come on. Come on. Wait a second, guys. We can't leave. There might be other people still alive in these balloons.
Mike Tobacco: Come on, it's too late!
Debbie Stone: Dave!
Dave Hansen: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mike Tobacco: Shoot him! This way. Come on.
Dave Hansen: Yeah, come on.
Mike Tobacco: What now?
Dave Hansen: Everybody, down.
Mike Tobacco: We don't know what's down here.
Dave Hansen: Come on, Mike.
Debbie Stone: Nobody's gonna put me in a balloon again.
Dave Hansen: Come on, Mike. Get a move on! How come you guys stopped here? Good reason.
Mike Tobacco: OK, which way do we go?
Dave Hansen: That doesn't really matter.
Debbie Stone: Let's go down here.
Dave Hansen: All right, come on. Come on, let's try in here.
Debbie Stone: No.
Spikey: Whoo!
Dave Hansen: Come on. Be careful. Come on.
Mike Tobacco: Shit! Another door!
Debbie Stone: I can't take this anymore!
Dave Hansen: Come on, open the door!
Mike Tobacco: Another door!
Dave Hansen: Come on, Mike!
Mike Tobacco: Another door? Another door?
Debbie Stone: Hurry!
Mike Tobacco: Debbie, come on! Dave, come on!
Dave Hansen: Get the door, Mike! Come on.
Debbie Stone: Here, here.
Dave Hansen: Come on. Oh, God. Thank God.
Debbie Stone: Look at this place. Where do we go now?
Dave Hansen: Come on, let's go.
Debbie Stone: Ah!
Dave Hansen: Everyone, up on top. Come on, let's move!
Mike Tobacco: Come on!
Debbie Stone: Hurry! Mike. Oh! Ah! Ah!
Mike Tobacco: Ah!
Debbie Stone: Uh!
Mike Tobacco: Hey, Rich, Paul!
Paul Terenzi: Stop! Leave them alone! Do what I say or else! Uh... I--
Rich Terenzi: Give me the mike! I am the great and powerful Jojo! I command you to stop. Do not hurt them. Let them go. You will obey. Let them go.
Dave Hansen: Now's our chance.
Mike Tobacco: Rich! Paul! Oh, man, am I glad to see you guys!
Dave Hansen: Come on, let's go! Get in the truck! Let's go. Come on, Mike. Come on, Debbie.
Paul Terenzi: Come on, Rich!
Rich Terenzi: I'm tryin'!
Paul Terenzi: Turn it the right way!
Rich Terenzi: I am!
Mike Tobacco: Rich!
Dave Hansen: Come on, Rich!
Paul Terenzi: Pull the choke, pull the choke.
Debbie Stone: Dave.
Dave Hansen: What the hell is that?
Paul Terenzi: I don't want to play here anymore. Can we go home now?
Dave Hansen: Let's make a run for it. Just get out of here. Come on. Everyone out of the truck! Come on!
Paul Terenzi: We can't! It's rented!
Terenzis: Oh!
Mike Tobacco: Hey, Rich! Paul!
Dave Hansen: No, Mike, Mike! It's too late, bud. Look, there's a way out now. Mike, take Debbie. Get her out of here. I'll draw its attention.
Debbie Stone: No! Dave, don't! We can all make it!
Dave Hansen: We can't, Debbie.
Debbie Stone: Stop it!
Dave Hansen: Get her out of here, Mike!
Mike Tobacco: What are you doing?
Dave Hansen: Now, Mike!
Debbie Stone: Dave!
Dave Hansen: Come on, guys, move! Run for help! Over here! Come on, you damn clown. Come on, you!
Mike Tobacco: Come on! They're takin' off!
Debbie Stone: Dave! Dave!
Mike Tobacco: Dave!
Debbie Stone: Oh!
Mike Tobacco: You made it.
Debbie Stone: Oh!
Mike Tobacco: You got 'em, man.
Paul Terenzi: Wow! What a ride!
Rich Terenzi: That's the last time we let you drive.
Mike Tobacco: You're alive!
Paul Terenzi: Yeah.
Mike Tobacco: But I saw you guys get blown up in the ice cream truck.
Rich Terenzi: Oh, that. We hid in the freezer with the ice cream.
Paul Terenzi: Yeah. Anybody want a dip-sicle?
Rich Terenzi: Oh, you and your ice cream.
Paul Terenzi: What?
Rich Terenzi: How we gonna pay for the truck?
Paul Terenzi: Don't blame me. It was your idea.
Rich Terenzi: No, it wasn't. You're the one who said we could get girls this way.
Paul Terenzi: No, you said we could. If it wasn't for me, you'd be a dead French fry.
Rich Terenzi: Oh yeah, well, you'd be a dead Popsicle.
Debbie Stone: Do-- Do you think it's over?
Mike Tobacco: Yeah, sure.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Transcripts