2008-01-07

Dardani: ::is floating in her aquarium, six separate enormous tomes--all volumes in a series--propped open on stands around it, is currently in the process of swimming from book to book, chirping out something incomprehensible to each one; the books, at least, seem to understand, as their pages turn each time she does::
Moesi: ::approaches Dardani's room slowly enough to give Dardani ample time to sense her presence, knocks on the door::
Dardani: ::a sigh, flips herself out of the water and onto the floor, re-activatingher illusion as she does:: Enter.
Moesi: ::goes in:: Sister.
Dardani: ::inclines her head to her in acknowledgement:: Moesi.
Moesi: ::closing the door behind her:: I have been thinking of love once more.
Dardani: ::a beat, then gives her sister a teasing smile:: I estimate our brother must cause it to enter your mind quite often.
Moesi: ::smirks:: Indeed. In several ways.
Dardani: Quite. Someday, I shall ask you to enumerate how many orifices they involve.
Moesi: ::grins more widely:: Many.
Dardani: ::gives her a softer smile:: So I had assumed.
Moesi: ::a pause:: I have a request to make of you.
Dardani: ::nods slightly, had expected that::
Moesi: I wish to know what it is like to feel love.
Dardani: ::had not expected that, blinks:: To what purpose?
Moesi: To compare it to my own emotions, and learn how close to it I am.
Dardani: ::Raises Her Eyebrow Slightly:: To avoid it?
Moesi: Yes. Yet also... ::settles on:: I am curious.
Dardani: ::pauses:: I see. May I make a request in return?
Moesi: ::nods::
Dardani: I wish to know what it is like to...not. ::to not love someone who adores you the way I would literally kill to be adored::
Moesi: Very well.
Dardani: ::nods, goes over to sit on a small sofa she keeps in her room, gestures for Moesi to do the same::
Moesi: ::goes with her, sits::
Dardani: ::offers Moesi her hands::
Moesi: ::takes them, trying not to be nervous::
Dardani: ::sensing her nervousness, smiles softly at her:: Shh. ::leans forward slightly to kiss her forehead::
Moesi: ::smiles confidently, squeezing her hands slightly- "I'm okay. I just expect this to be... intense."::
Dardani: ::smile shrinks a little, squeezes hers back--"It will be." Her eyes drift closed, and slowly, she lets her feelings trickle into her sister, with accompanying images: What it was like to be born, and to take in her first gulp of air with her first sense of her father at the same time, how both became inexorably linked in her newborn mind as being equally vital to her existence; Thrace showing her to the rest of the family and to the first lessers, how each one never felt quite as miraculous as that first time he held her, how every sense in her tiny body thrilled to his presence; How he would teach her as he held her, making images and concepts become clear to her, teaching her not only about the world but giving her her first language as well; how everything that came to her seemed to be his gift; Her older siblings showing up and her younger siblings being born and suddenly how vital it became that she was the best of them, how much she wanted him to approve of her, now that she was getting older and able to do more; How every memory, every lesson, every scrap of affection made her happy--no longer the wild exhiliration of her birth and formative years, just a calm, simple joy; slowly, the images and feelings transition into something darker, the negative side of love: how his disapproval and anger is like the deepest pain and the most torturous fear, how disappointing him makes her want to die of shame; the worst memory, the day of the Nightmare, when she had to see him die--how frightened she was, how horrified and grief-stricken and painpainpain, like a part of her had died, too; how those fears stay with her, yet somehow, through it all...she never stops being happy to be with him and be approved of by him; and underneath it all, the desperate hunger--she wants him to care about her like that, too...and the sadness, because she knows that he never will; lets it all fade::
Moesi: ::is shaking noticeably as she absorbs it all, eyes squeezed shut; is focusing, trying to keep part of herself separate from the flood of memories and emotions, but.... the sheer intensity of it all, the sheer need, and the thought her little sister has to endure this all the time...::
Dardani: ::"I'm used to it, Moesi--I've been doing it since I was born. It is as much an instinct to me now as breathing. It is less than ideal, true...but I do not know how I could begin to live without it."::
Moesi: ::is simply still for a moment, not deliberately sending anything through their touch, collecting her thoughs::
Dardani: ::is physically still, though mentally starting to uncomfortably fidget::
Moesi: ::Begins by briefly showing her decision to kiss Satrai- she had just been taught about the sexuality of all three of her species, but wasn't sure how it would manifest in a cross-breed like her. She was curious about herself, and curious about sexuality, and decided to try kissing, at least. She didn't have to give any thought as to who- Satrai had been her favorite brother for years; Skips ahead over a year, to after they'd admitted that their relationship had gotten past just brother and sister, showing Dardani their confusion as they tried to figure out what was going on in their minds; takes a breath, bracing herself::
Dardani: ::scoots slightly closer to her, both mentally and physically--though she knows what she's about to see will likely be intense, she is curious::
Moesi: ::shows her the parts of her relationship with Satrai that seem to match love the most closely; how her desire to touch him only intensified, both because she wanted physical pleasure and because she wanted to feel the emotions coursing under his skin, how she became obsessed with feeling his desire for her, and more...how everything in his mind and touch became precious, her overwhelming joy when he opened himself to her, and her agony and rage when he pushed her away; how she hated him for controlling his emotions, even as she did it herself; focuses on that for a moment- how it felt to feel the bundle of raw adoration and rage and need and hope and hurt, and put it in a corner of her mind so she could continue her duties as kenthas; hows the same thing from Satrai's point of view, one of the many memories of his that she has in her mind; the agony he felt at knowing he was hurting Moesi, how his desires echoed her own, and how he held on to the idea of who he was supposed to be; how he succeeded where Moesi had been failing- she always intended to pursue the relationship, but he convinced himself that the pain he felt was a challenge to be conquered, part of the price of becoming a god; shows the common thread in each viewpoint- the belief that Thrace and Thracia and their eventual goodhood was more important than their feelings; then, shows her the shameful day when their feelings conquered them both, their disobedience, and their punishment; shows her Satrai, stripped of his illusion, made helpless with magic, while everything in her screamed that she couldn't, she just couldn't...not her Satrai, not when she hated his pain more than her own, not when she wanted to fight to the death to defend him in all things, she just couldn't...only she couldn't face the consequences of not doing it; so she hurt him, and he screamed; just one torture wasn't enough, for either of them- it went on for days, him hurting her and her hurting him, until at some point, somehow, they got used to it::
Dardani: ::flinches at these memories, these feelings...has been more sensitive to her siblings' pain since Dersaii died, like it tore a hole in her where her sister should be, and any of her siblings can crawl into her through it--and their pain hurts like the missing half of her soul::
Moesi: ::lingers for a moment on the disconcerting feeling of seeing and hearing and feeling his pain, and being okay with it. Shifts forward through time again, to a mission they had been sent on. She had been given command, which was not uncommon, then- Thrace often wanted to see how they dealt with changes to the command structure. The mission was long and complicated- she skims past the details- and in the end, they were betrayed. A trio of Old Ones, inluding allies and enemies, ambushed them. One of them was Scythia. Even as good as Satrai and Moesi were, they didn't have a chance at killing them, and Scythia had a good chance at keeping them from escaping. Scythia had separated them, and it was clear that at least one of them had to get back to Thrace, to warn him about the betrayal. With how difficult the combat was, it was clear that the only way one could escape was for the other to provide a distraction, to take on the full force of the three Old Ones and their servants. This would have been simple- Moesi was easily willing to die for Thracia and for Satrai- but she had a clear escape route, and Satrai had been backed into a corner. In a split second she weighed Satrai's life against Thracia- and chose. She gave the command for him to stay and distract, looked at him just long enough to see fear in his eyes, and then ran; skips ahead to later, when she and Thrace recovered Satrai's body, and she pleaded with him to bring Satrai back to life, and he refused; lingers on that for a moment- rage, grief, guilt.... and underneath that, the hated knowledge that she would live; over the next few weeks, she tried to imagine eternity without Satrai, and...noticeably hesitates before continuing the flow of memory::
Dardani: ::her fingers curl reassuringly--she already knew where this was going::
Moesi: ::...she remembered her grief for Edoni, and how unbearable it had seemed- but she had survived that. Losing Satrai seemed to hurt even more, but she had the same choice now as she had then. Endure, live as a goddess who could survive anything, no matter how painful... or not; moves on to later, briefly touches on the joy at learning that Satrai's death had been nothing more than a Dream, mostly to cheer herself up a little, then settles into what she feels now; how Satrai is part of her, and she would only be half of herself without him, but the part of her that needed him has become hard, and there's always a part of her that's ready for him to die; how she imagines him as part of her eternity, becoming ever more enmeshed until they can no longer remember what it was like to be separate beings...but she also accepts that, in a few thousand years, they will be so different that they might not even want each other anymore; shows her the joy she feels when she's with Satrai, and the feeling that their relationship is a gift, something precious and beautiful... and fragile, temporary; lets the feelings fade away::
Category:Logs