Entry 2

Such a dramatic cut off since the last time I wrote; I know. But things have been crazy, which I will get into in another entry, but first let me explain why I decided to give this another try.
My emotions have been all over the place and I don't know how to deal with them. So these will be just random, out of order events that happened to me that affected me emotionally that I need to write down as they come to mind. Sorry in advance for the randomness...
There was a time where my anger got the best of me not too long ago. It usually does during a fight, which I'm fine with because it helps me, but this time it was outside of a battle. It was in a tavern and it was against Arannis. I snapped and threatened to punch him because he cast some spell on me during a friendly game of axe throwing.
Needless to say I didn't like that...
But he's one of my closest friends and how I reacted was wrong; I shouldn't have done that. It was the first time I actually felt really bad for snapping. I apologized and he accepted but I worried I may have ruined a great friendship.
See, Arannis went missing for a while a little bit before that. I could have lost a dear friend and there was nothing I could do about that. I hated how helpless that made me feel. I did my best not to show it and acted normal because there were no tracks...
Nothing that I could use to try to find him.
Turns out it was because he was on another plane of existence. I trusted he'd return safely and he did. That was hard, but when he returned, I was thrilled.
I shared with the group about my past and why Agronak wants me dead. That was scary. Not many things scare me but that did. I was so worried my friends would look at me differently. Look at me like the killer and monster that I felt like. But they didn't. They're willing to stand by my side when the time comes for me to face Agronak. I don't want them involved but I know they won't listen if I tell them to stay out of it. So I will protect them when that time comes.
There's nothing I won't do for them.
Then there's Lady Eloithe...
Think I'll save that one for another entry as I'm still confused on that one.
Oh and of course, I ran into my cousin who I had to kill. That was a feeling I didn't like either. Yes, I've talked about killing my brother if he had anything to do with our father's death. But that doesn't mean I WANT to kill him. He's still my brother, but I will if I have to. Unfortunately, I had to with my cousin Zig. He, along with other members of my clan kidnapped and probably even tortured a group of Halflings. We rescued them but in the end I fought Zig one on one and killed him. I never thought I'd have to kill someone from my family other than Agronak. I prepared myself for that kill but not this one. It was a feeling that caused pain in my chest, my heart. I didn't like it.
I never want anyone to feel what I felt that day, especially not Eloithe. I don't want her to feel that pain. So I reached out to Janak to see if there was a way to save Eloithe's sister. Turns out there was. We'd still have to defeat her but there's a way for Eloithe to get her sister back. Defeating/killing her doesn't have to be permanent. She seemed happy but guarded as to me telling her that news. She's concerned her sister is truly evil and I can relate. But at least this way, she has options