Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark Review

The title card of "Pirate Reviews" comes up, accompanied by music from "Pirates of the Caribbean", and we see Bob on a sofa, dressed in a pirate garb with The Box on his right.
Bob: *tips his hat and speaks in a West Country accent throughout* Avast there, mateys. I'm Victor Barbossa, and this is Pirate Reviews. And today, we're going to look at one of me latest acquisitions: "Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark".
Cut to a picture of the DVD cover. 
Bob: *voiceover* Thanks to the fine work of other pirates like yours truly, we're able to take a glimpse at the infamous Broadway musical, featuring our friendly neighborhood Spider Man.
Bob: Although, why anyone would want to make Spider Man of all properties into a Broadway musical just confounds me. If it's going to be a musical, why isn't it about pirates?
The movie begins with the cameraman apparently having difficulty keeping his camera still.
Bob: *voiceover* And, I don't know why it's called "Turn Off The Dark", but considering how many times this cameraman has to hide his camera from view, "turn off the dark" will quickly become a regular complaint among anyone watching this DVD. Our tale begins as high-school student, Peter Parker, sings a school report about Arachne, a lass from ancient Greece, who boasted to have weaving skills greater than the gods. Believe it or not, Arachne serves as Peter's spirit guide throughout this entire play. 
Bob: How is it that I've never even read a Spider Man comic, and I know that Spider Man has nothing to do with Greek mythology? *voiceover* of course, all of Peter's classmates laugh at him, but Mary Jane has to say...
Mary Jane Watson (Jennifer Damiano): I'll catch you later, tiger. *walks off-stage*
Peter Parker (Reeve Carney): Sure. Absolutely... I'll catch you later! She called me tiger...
Bob: But little does our Mr. Parker know that Mary Jane is actually concocting a vile plan to see him covered in pig's blood. *voiceover* He then gets picked on by some rather musical bullies, and I can't fathom why he puts up with it. Why not just break out his cutlass and run 'em through? Before he can sing for too long about how he hates his life, MJ shows up again to cheer him up, making me wonder why he even has these self-esteem issues if he's got a fiery redhead following him around like a lost puppy?
Voice: *chanting* We wants the redhead! We wants the redhead!
Bob: Quiet, 'ya scum! *fires his flintlock, voiceover* After they sing about how they hate living down on Skid Row, we then go to Oscorp Labs, where the scientists look less dignified than a Dr. Insano convention. This is Norman Osborn, who wants to strengthen humanity for the sake of their survival.
Norman Osborn (Patrick Page): Transformation. Transformation, that's the key. Global catastrophes, extinction of eggs, If man's gonna survive, he's gonna have to transform!
Bob: Ooh, that's not a good idea, Mr. Osborn. The last person who tried that went all... tentacly. *voiceover* Osborn then starts to sing about how he wants to speed up mankind's evolution. Great, I can't wait to become a giant salamander. And, cue radioactive spider.
A spider drops down and bites Peter on the shoulder.
Bob: *voiceover* We then see a similar transformation sequence like from the Sam Raimi movie, and I have no idea why the bullies are singing in it. Are they becoming part of his DNA, too? Peter wakes up in one of Doctor Caligari's Summer homes, doing whatever a spider can.
A rock song plays as Peter starts, literally, bouncing off the walls while the room breaks apart.
Peter Parker: *singing* Why I'm bouncing off the walls
Bouncing off the walls
Bouncing off the walls
Bouncing off the walls
Bob: And thank goodness that the spider bit him, otherwise it'd never work. *voiceover* He then fights the bullies at school, still bouncing off the walls, and gah!
At the end of the song, Peter shoots "webs" from his wrists.
Bob: OK, I know the tall, young men go through "changes" in this time of their life, but for god's sakes, keep it in your pants, lad! *voiceover* After MJ goes off with Flash Thompson (A.K.A. Agent Venom), Peter decides that he needs a car of his own. And, what better way to get a car than to go into the ring with...
Cut to a clip from the first "Spider Man" movie, featuring the late "Macho Man" Randy Savage. 
Bone Saw McGraw (Randy Savage): *speaking into a microphone* Bone Saw is ready!
Bob: But, in all seriousness, he's just making things more difficult than they need to be. Why not just steal a car? What are a few bullets and slit throats over some fine MJ lovin'? *voiceover* But, then, I suppose it's not really complicated when you're fightin' a giant pool toy. So, Peter wins his prize money, but then his uncle Ben gets shot.
The stage goes dark as screams and a couple gunshots are heard.
Bob: *voiceover* Also, you may be familiar with how Peter didn't stop a petty thief, and then that petty thief went out to kill uncle Ben, thus teaching Peter that with great power comes great responsibility. Aye, forget about that. Peter's actions aren't related to Ben's death in any way whatsoever. And this has been bothering me, too; one of Peter's personal problems is that he's a failure with the lassies. If you're not the kind of man to just take what you want and do what you need to with her, stop wearing V-necks and find yourself a decent barber! 
Bob: And, maybe, then they'll stop thinkin' that you're sailin' with the Queen's Navy, if you get my meaning. *voiceover* Then, Arachne shows up to sing a song about how Peter needs to rise above it all, and I have no idea if this is happening in his head or if she's actually watching over him from above. Ancient gods' attraction with real worlds, that's just stupid.
Cut to a clip from "Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End" where Calypso has recently grown to a gigantic size, and starts speaking in her native tongue to the sailors onboard the Black Pearl.
Bob: *voiceover* So, Peter takes on the mantle of the spider, and we then meet J. Jonah Jameson at the Daily Bugle, where the men dress like they're from the 20s, and the women dress like they're from the 60s.
J. Jonah Jameson (Michael Mulheren): Listen, people, this... thing is what's gonna put the Bugle back on top! We're fighting the internet, we're fighting bloggers, we're fighting Facebook! We're a daily paper in a 24/7 world, we're... dinosaurs. But this fun boy, *laughs* if we can make him (Spider Man) our mascot before anyone else, dinosaurs will walk the earth once more! 
Bob: You know, JJ, instead of fightin' the internet, why don't you try usin' it? I can see it now. Centuries from now, pirates will use the internet to such a vast degree, that musicians will only be able to afford gold pools instead of platinum! *chuckles* Good times... 
Cut to various pictures from Marvel comics featuring dinosaurs.
Bob: *voiceover* And this play is taking place within the Marvel universe, right? Dinosaurs walking the earth happens every other week, and sometimes, they're Jewish. JJ rants about how he wants pictures of Spider Man, and Peter conveniently shows up with a handful of photos for him. And, I can only wonder how he took those pictures if he doesn't even have a real camera. We then jump to Osborn, where he sings about how he needs to create new super soldiers for the government to save his company from going under. Maybe this wouldn't be an issue if you didn't spend so much of your budget on flashy lab coats, but I'm not but a humble pirate. What do I know? We later see Peter and MJ after they graduate from high school, and Aunt May suggests that they celebrate the occasion. 
Aunt May (Isabel Keating): You don't want an old biddy like me ruining your good time.
Peter Parker: Aunt May, you're always gonna be my best girl, you know that, right?
Bob: Why, I'd even make a deal with the devil and forget that I ever knew MJ for you, Aunt May.
Mary Jane Watson: *off-screen* What?
Bob: Shut up, MJ. *voiceover* But, it's OK. Since Peter's all hot and bothered about his Aunt May, all MJ can talk about is Spider Man.
Mary Jane Watson: Spider Man's my... celebrity crush. Lucky for me, you seem to be closer to him than anyone else.
Peter Parker: You have no idea.
Bob plays the theme from "Brokeback Mountain" on a string instrument.
Bob: *voiceover* While Peter and MJ confess their love through song, Norman engages in a little mad science with very appropriate plot music to accompany it.
Mary Jane Watson: *singing* Love, is this love?
Bob: Just how bad does your play need to be when you make "Young Frankenstein" look like it has more legitimate drama than you?
The ending of the musical number, "Life, Life", (from the aforementioned musical) plays.
Bob: *voiceover* Sadly, Norman's wife dies in the process of conducting this experiment. How? I don't know. Maybe I would know if this play took its own advice and turned off the dark! Incidentally, if you think that Willem Dafoe's Green Goblin looks silly, feast your eyes on this.
We see Norman Osborn as the Green Goblin, covered from head-to-toe in spikes and scales.
Green Goblin (also Patrick Page): Yeah! Norman Osborn 2.0, new and improved! Just ten minutes a day with one of them shake weight thingies. *chuckles* Yeah, I think you can really see the difference. Oh, yeah, and six weeks worth of serious genetic mutation.
Bob: They turned him green, scaly, over the top, and they gave him an accent to sound like he hails from New Orleans. This play, literally turned the Green Goblin into a Big Lipped Alligator Moment. *voiceover* He later abducts his top scientists, and uses the same mad science in order to turn them all into new mutations, including the Lizard, Electro, Kraven, who now has a lion's head in his stomach? Doctor Cletus Kasady as Carnage, some lass made of knives, and this guy who's made of bees.
Cut to a comic panel of Batman. 
Bob: *voiceover, imitating Batman* Bees. My god. *normal* And what's Gobby calling his motley crew?
Green Goblin: My new family: the Sinister Six!
Cut to a panel of Spider Man. 
Bob: *voiceover, imitating Spider Man* Well, I guess they're letting anyone call themselves the Sinister Six these days. *normal* We then see this video montage, showing the devastation caused by the Sinister Six. I guess they just couldn't think of a more practical way to convey this. 
Bob: I mean, seriously, how pathetic do you have to be if you have to cut to some other video clip, just to make your point?
We ironically cut to a clip from "Family Guy", featuring two firefighters in front of a slightly charred hospital.
Firefighter: *singsong* Irony!
Bob: *voiceover* Spider Man takes out each of the Sinister Six before any of them can get in any dialogue. They were so relevant to the plot, were they? And then we see the goblin tries to make a phone call to the Daily Bugle.
Green Goblin: *on the phone* No, this is the Green Goblin.
Receptionist: Mr. Goblin, please hold.
Green Goblin: Oh, for god's sake!
Bob: *voiceover* I'll admit that this is rather amusing, but it's completely out of place. We see all this murder and mayhem, and now this? It looks more like a "Robot Chicken" sketch. 
Green Goblin: Now take this down, JJ: *mentions something about Spider Man* I want him to join the new world order, not vanquish it! Well, you vanquish my family, I will track you down and I will vanquish yours!
Bob: I have no idea who your family is, but it's so going to be vanquished! *voiceover* Peter has a little dream where he fails to save MJ from falling prey to the Goblin, and we have another song from Arachne. Careful there, Petey, looks like she wants to play "Ghostbusters" with you. He later tries to catch the play that MJ's starring in, but she dumps him because she's sick of him never showing up.
Peter Parker: You know... there's a green lunatic stalking me! 
Bob: Ooh, I know how that is. He's always telling me that, "I have a debt to pay-ah!" *voiceover* But Peter and MJ get back together almost immediately, making the last scene completely pointless. Also, this is happening right after Peter quits being Spider Man. But after the Goblin makes a video threat to destroy the city or something, he goes back to being Spider Man again, making that scene completely pointless. They should've just called this play "Spider Man: Turn Off The Relevance". Anyway, he somehow tracks the Goblin to the Chrysler Building, where he... plays a piano on the roof?... Well, that's just stupid.
Cut to a clip from "Hey Arnold!" of Arnold's grandmother, Gertrude, playing a piano on the roof.
Grandma Gertrude: Well, no, that's wonderful! We're gonna have a piano on the roof! 
Bob: *voiceover* They give the standard "Join me side, you're better than this" hero-villain speech, blah, blah, blah. He reveals that he has MJ tied up, too, and I guess he grabbed her while Petey was singing another pointless song that you won't remember two seconds after it's finished. They fight for a bit, Spider Man swinging with his webs and Goblin not flying on his glider, but with wings that I guess he always had. He pushes his piano off the building to kill some pedestrians at the bottom, but oh, no! Spider Man webbed him to the piano! Honestly, the only thing missing from this scene is the Goblin holding a sign that says "Yipe!". So the city is safe, Spider Man takes off his mask, he and MJ make out for a little, the end!
Bob: And there we have it: "Spider Man: Turn Off The Dark", and all eight of its legs can walk the plank. *voiceover* Now, to be fair, the stunts are pretty spectacular and you can tell the actors are really trying here, but the mythology is all wrong, the roster of rogues is bizarre, the costumes are silly even by comic book standards, Peter's actions were only vaguely related to Uncle Ben's death, and the music is just forgettable, which is the worst thing that can happen to any musical. 
Bob: Now, maybe this would have more of an impact on me if I saw the play for meself, but as it is, it's pretty lackluster. This is Victor Barbossa sayin', take what you can! Give nothin' back! 
He chugs from his beer stein and slams it down on the table before rolling the credits.
Category:Transcripts