Saving Silverman/Transcript

Neil Diamond. Hot August night, 1972.
 That concert rocked and rolled. I know because I was there.
 That's me.
 My water broke.
 Eversince then, I've had this cosmic connection with Neil.
 But this story isn't about Neil.
 It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D.
 Best friends since fifth grade.
 That's J.D. He's lactose intolerant.
 And he's not very bright.
 That's Darren Silverman.
 He's a romantic.
 But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible.
 That's me, Wayne.
 I'm loyal to my friends.
 -I'd beat you up if you weren't a girl. -Me too.
 After that, I started working out.
 We stayed best friends throughout high school.
 I was the third-string quarterback.
 J.D. became the school mascot.
 Hey, what did you say I didn't really motherfucking hear you.
 Yeah, yeah you Yeah you, yeah you, yeah you
 And Darren joined the cheerleading squad.
 Oh, that's Sandy.
 Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her.
 When you're up against a Warbird
 You're upside down!
 Oh, that's Coach Norton.
 He was a big influence in our lives. He taught us many things.
 Two things you got to remember, boys.
 Number one: Stay away from women.
 All they want from you is your man juice.
 Now...
 ...if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor, use this.
 -Oh, number two.... -Sportsmanship.
 Sportsmanship.
 Sportsmanship.
 You fairy wimp fruit bag!
 You suck!
 Le Fessier! Get out there!
 I'm just gonna get my helmet.
 Hey, guys! Guys, I'm in!
 -See, he's going in! -Oh, my God!
 Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!
 Blue ! Blue !
 Go! Set!
 Hike!
 But now we're all grown-up.
 J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway.
 Recently he was promoted...
 ...to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.
 Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got.
 I've been working on them for weeks. I present the future of Subway.
 Bellston...
 ...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what?
 -Big? -Like we practiced. You can do this.
 L....
 Long!
 Okay, we'll come back to you.
 This guy's my stinkiest student by far.
 Trimball, let's see your sub.
 No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside.
 Okay, take it away.
 Take it away!
 Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé.
 He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub.
 Heston, where's the party sub?
 Darren is a social director at a retirement home.
 B- .
 Bingo.
 Bingo.
 Abe...
 ...pull your pants up or no more Matlock.
 I started my own business.
 What are we dealing with here?
 I don't know, but it sounds big.
 Stay back. I'm going in.
 Careful, sonny.
 So you're causing all this trouble, huh?
 Come here.
 Hey there. Hello.
 Here's the ferocious beast, huh?
 Hey, where's your mommy?
 Get off! Get it off!
 Is it dead?
 No.
 But she is in one deep coon coma.
 Stop it!
 But we all have one mystical thing in common: Our love for Neil.
 That's ourband, Diamonds in the Rough.
 Hey, I'm Darren.
 Sophie.
 Do you, maybe, want to grab a drink with me?
 I'm sorry. I'm involved.
 With a real entertainer.
 I can't believe I got blown off again. I'll never meet the right girl.
 You don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.
 Dude, what does a mime look like when it's having sex anyway?
 It's probably like:
 "l'm a mime. I'm a mime."
 Hey, mimes don't talk.
 They do when they're off duty.
 It's not her. It's all women.
 I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me.
 The only girl I ever loved...
 ...walked out of my life years ago.
 Sandy Perkus.
 -Rememberher? -Smile.
 Her family was with the circus.
 Her dad was The Strong Man.
 Hermom was The Bearded Lady.
 Herbrother was The Dog-faced Boy.
 Before I mustered the courage to ask her out, she moved away.
 You know, I truly believe...
 ...that there is a one and only someone for everyone.
 And Sandy...
 ...Sandy Perkus...
 ...was my one and only.
 Man, that is so romantic.
 Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass.
 What do you think of her?
 -Who? -Right there.
 In the red?
 -Yeah, she's gorgeous. -Go talk to her.
 -No. -Okay, I'll do it for you.
 What? Hey, wait.
 Hi. I'm Wayne.
 -No. -No, you don't understand.
 I'm not hitting on you.
 Back off.
 I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren.
 He's smart, he's sensitive--
 -I don't care. -He'd make a great husband.
 -I don't want to meet him. -Great.
 Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute.
 -Really? -Yeah, she's like:
 "Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.
 -Are you sure? -Totally!
 Get down there and make your move.
 I don't know.
 Come on!
 -Carpe poon! -Really?
 -Okay, I'll do it. -All right!
 I'm Darren.
 Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me.
 He lied.
 That's a good one.
 No, seriously. I don't want to meet you.
 My friend must have been mistaken.
 I'm really sorry to bother you.
 Let me guess.
 That jerk tried to get into your pants with some tacky line.
 I'm not like that.
 I use magic.
 Beat it, baldy.
 Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that.
 I have here two...
 ...ordinary metal rings.
 You and me.
 I love you.
 Sorry, I forgot my beer.
 This is my boyfriend, Darren. So hit the bricks, porky.
 Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.
 Satan.
 I'm sorry about hitting on you before--
 -You should be. -I am. I am.
 I just, I wasn't thinking in....
 You're so beautiful, and I....
 I'm sorry.
 So make up for it. Buy me a drink.
 -Yeah. Okay. -I'll have a Scotch.
 Give the lady a Scotch, and I'll have another beer.
 -He'll have a gin and tonic. -Make that a gin and tonic.
 Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties?
 They're just having a drink together.
 It's not like they're going steady or anything.
 It's midnight. You know what that means?
 No. What?
 It's our six-week anniversary.
 -Did you get me anything? -No.
 That's okay. That's okay.
 No big deal. But...
 ...I...
 ...got you a little something.
 Thanks. That's really nice.
 You know, I've been thinking.
 We've been together for a while now...
 ...and it seems like maybe it's time...
 ...we get a little more intimate.
 Are you saying you want to have sex?
 Yeah, I am.
 I don't believe in premarital sex. I'd rather not cheapen what we have.
 Of course. Of course not. Me neither.
 -So it's best to wait. -You're right.
 I think-- I mean, you're-- It's best.
 But...
 ...that doesn't mean that we can't...
 ...pleasure each other in other ways.
 I got you.
 Oh, I got you.
 That was really great.
 Thanks.
 That got me pretty excited.
 That's nice.
 I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me.
 Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you.
 I would love to, but I can't.
 I have very, very sensitive gums.
 You have gums-- It's a medical condition.
 I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby. No.
 You're so sweet.
 You know, there are other ways to give me pleasure without using your mouth.
 Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry.
 No, that's fine. That's fine.
 Have fun.
 -Watch your head. -This place is a dump.
 I really don't want to do this.
 It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual and I want you to be part of it.
 I want you to get to know these guys. You'll love them, honey.
 -Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude? -What's up, J.D.?
 Judy, awesome to meet you.
 Judith.
 Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?
 -No. -Totally cool.
 No peer pressure.
 Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in.
 Check it out. Chewie.
 You want a drink?
 -Scotch on the rocks. -You want ice?
 I'll help you with that.
 Hey, Judith. Can I give you the grand tour?
 Let's start right here in the "Hall o' Neil."
 This is Neil, ' . Check this out.
 This is a set list from the Millennium Concert. Look:
 Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.
 Looks like a Xerox.
 No. This cost a lot of money. Check this out.
 -I think you got taken. -Ready?
 This shirt...
 ...was worn by Neil...
 ...in concert.
 Check it out. We snuck backstage...
 ...and totally stole it from him while he was taking a whiz.
 In my profession, we call your obsession with Neil...
 ...a delusional projection fantasy.
 Yeah, sure. But he's America's greatest songwriter and he's our hero.
 And he's playing the Forum in two weeks.
 Of course, we can't go because of the whole restraining order thing.
 Neil, I love you!
 You again!
 Neil! Where are you going?
 I want to party with you. I want to party with you!
 Game's on.
 Game's on.
 -Give me the remote. -I want to go.
 -Give me a beer. -We just got here.
 These guys are pigs.
 Come on. No, they're not that--
 Hey! What are you doing?
 Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
 Okay, look. Why don't we just stay for a little bit, okay?
 Oh, take mine. Take mine.
 Give her the old sweep-a-roo.
 Old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together.
 Enjoy.
 I'll help you. She has multiple reclining positions.
 -I can sit forward. -It's stuck.
 -It's fine. -Takes a little muscle.
 Come on, you fucking piece of shit.
 -I don't need-- -It's no trouble.
 Are you okay?
 I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.
 You know what? I think I-- Yep.
 It's the lug nut. Fixed it. Please have a seat.
 I'll stand.
 I'm a--
 -Sorry. -Get me something.
 So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
 -That's right. -Interesting.
 I'm in a related field.
 Really? What's that?
 Pest and rodent removal.
 How is that related?
 We both help people.
 While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs...
 ...I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish....
 He launched it.
 Touchdown!
 I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren!
 But they're my best friends.
 You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band.
 I know you're upset. I do. But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D...
 ...and I'm not quitting the band.
 Okay, fine. No more sex.
 What?
 You're not allowed to go down on me for one month.
 No, Judith, please--
 Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.
 You go, boys. You sing this song. You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it!
 -Sing it! -This blows, man.
 Judith's out of control. We gotta do something.
 Besides ruining the band, what else has she done?
 Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life.
 She didn't like his ass. Made him get butt-cheek implants.
 I thought his ass looked tighter.
 Check this out. Last night...
 ...torched his Neil Diamond albums.
 She torched Neil?
 You're right. She's a monster.
 Two, three, four.
 -Hey! -Yes!
 -Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. -It's all right.
 I only have a minute. I have to wax Judith's legs.
 -We miss you. -We never see you anymore.
 I know, I'm sorry...
 ...but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith.
 Plus, my relationship counseling sessions--
 Counseling?
 Yeah. I go two hours, three times a week.
 Oh. Who's your counselor?
 Judith.
 We don't think she's right for you.
 Break up with her.
 She's ruining our lives and yours.
 This graph should illustrate our point.
 Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high: .
 It is now an eight.
 Band numbers have plunged dramatically.
 Girls, never very high, at nine. But look now. Two!
 This has led to increased wanking off.
 I'm chafing.
 Shit, I gotta go home and heat the wax.
 Guys, listen. Thanks for your concern, really.
 I miss you too. But it was great seeing you, all right?
 That guy's in serious trouble.
 We need to save him.
 Sorry to bother you.
 What are you doing here?
 We want to apologize for the beer shower.
 And the salsa bath. That was bad.
 -Get the hell out of here. -Just give us a minute, okay?
 My rate is $ an hour.
 Do you have any money?
 I got some of that.
 Just give me the big bills.
 Six. Is that all you have?
 Thirty. $ . .
 Two and a half minutes.
 We don't want you seeing Darren. We don't think you're right for him.
 The band needs him.
 -But we're prepared to buy you off. -With what?
 My house.
 Okay? Look.
 My grandma here? She was born in this house, is buried in the back yard.
 There's my mom...
 ...there's my dad and there's me.
 My dad was dropping me on my head. But...
 ...we're willing to sign this over to you...
 ...if you just agree not to see Darren.
 I don't want your shitty house or your dead grandma.
 I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much...
 ...but he's hung like a horse.
 It's true.
 Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it.
 I own him. He does whatever I say. I'm in complete control of him.
 He's my puppet and I'm his puppet master.
 You're not taking Darren away!
 Just try to stop me.
 One round, winner takes Darren.
 -You're on. -Kick her ass.
 Go.
 You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator.
 My guess is three times a day?
 I bet you're a premature ejaculator.
 You start off with a big bang.
 Before you know it, you're limp.
 -I win, you lose. Now get out. -God!
 Hey, check it out.
 Hey, baby.
 Hello, ladies.
 So how much?
 Fifty bucks for you, and for your friend.
 -Okay. -All right.
 I want you to laugh like he just said something.
 Perfect!
 Get this one. Be like this. Like this.
 Douche, douche.
 Yeah, you. Slap his ass.
 That's not sexy.
 Watch it.
 You're moving my guy!
 Lookit. Lookit.
 Good.
 -Awesome. -Check this out.
 Mail, check. Go. Don't look back.
 Hurry up. Come on.
 Hi, Judith. How's it going?
 Not so good. Look at these.
 Oh, my God.
 He's sick.
 He's perverted.
 -He's cheating on you. -With two chicks.
 I don't know. I guess I'd dump him?
 -Oh, totally. -Right?
 Do you guys notice anything weird about these photos?
 No, that's Darren, all right.
 Darren doesn't have a tattoo.
 Nice try, idiots.
 If I ever see you near Darren again...
 ...I'll kill you.
 Thanks for meeting me here. I have something important to say.
 Oh, man. You broke up?
 No.
 Out of the blue, Judith proposed to me. We're engaged.
 -What? -Dude, congratulations.
 Starting next week, I'll be Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.
 Right, because you're gonna take her last name, huh?
 Yeah, well...
 ...Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here...
 ...that it's sexist for the woman to take the man's last name.
 Anyway, it's too late to change it.
 We've already ordered the monogrammed towels.
 Darren.
 Sandy?
 Sandy Perkus.
 Oh, my God, Darren. It's been so long.
 Yeah, it has.
 Hey, it's Wayne.
 High school, remember? You remember?
 Right! The senior talent show.
 Yeah, you were booed off the stage.
 That was me.
 Yep. Sandy, remember me? J.D. McNugent?
 I went to the prom...
 ...with a tuxedo painted on my naked body.
 Oh, I guess I missed it.
 I spilled a drink and the paint ran and everyone could see my dong.
 It doesn't ring a bell.
 Remember, in science, I was lighting farts with the Bunsen burner...
 ...and I singed my ball sac?
 No.
 Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut.
 Sucks.
 So how are you?
 Great. Great. I just moved back to town.
 Oh, wow, that's great.
 Gosh, you know, I have to go, but it was great seeing you.
 Yeah, same here. Me too.
 -See you. -Take care.
 -Okay, bye. -Awesome.
 Yeah, bye. Bye.
 Oh, my God.
 -This is it! -What?
 It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life.
 You even said so yourself. She was your one and only someone!
 She used to be. Now Judith is my one and only someone.
 I'll talk to you guys later. Okay?
 Isn't "one and only" like, one...
 ...and only?
 -Here's your drink. -Where's the lemon wedge?
 We're out of lemons, but I'll run to the store--
 Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people.
 Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA.
 Wow, that is exciting.
 This is my fiancé, Darren.
 -Pleased to meet you. -Same.
 -Congratulations. -Thank you.
 Excuse me, I'll get it.
 Is Darren here? I think he left his Vespa helmet.
 What's going on?
 We're having our engagement party.
 Oh, then I guess our invitations must've been lost in the mail.
 No.
 I think it's very possible she didn't even send us invitations.
 -Thanks for stopping by. -Who's Darren talking to?
 Those are his new friends.
 -I'll have a merlot. -A spritzer.
 -We don't work here. -You fooled me.
 -My name's Brett, this is Clayton. -This is Darren.
 Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.
 -Darren's our friend, Brett. -We knew him first.
 Fuck you, replacement friend!
 Eat this, fake Wayne!
 Stop it! Do something!
 Get out of here!
 Hey, this isn't over yet!
 We're not giving up on Darren!
 She thinks this game is over.
 It's not over. No!
 But we are taking this into overtime!
 Yeah! Okay, strategy session.
 -Okay, our enemy is wicked. -Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
 -No, Damien. -Dude, she's Vader.
 No, she is the Emperor!
 But with really great tits.
 Okay, now, Sandy? That girl, she's a nice girl.
 -She's a sweetheart. -Dude, a saint.
 -A goddess. -A princess.
 You know what? She's kind of like Mother Teresa.
 But with way better tits.
 And Darren loves Sandy no matter what he says.
 Definitely.
 That's why we have to intervene and fix the problem!
 -Definitely! -All right!
 We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy.
 What?
 The bat is leaving the cave.
 Roger that.
 Alarm system has been deactivated. Out.
 Roger that.
 Dude, you don't have to do the--
 --sound. It already does that. Out.
 Copy that. I'm not going to make the--
 --sound after I say stuff from now on.
 Shady McNugent...
 ...over and out.
 That was the last one.
 -I'm scared. What if we get caught? -Not gonna happen.
 I'm hungry.
 We'll eat later.
 -Can we go to Happy Burger? -Yes, after the kidnapping.
 I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with--
 With cheese.
 What?
 You go downstairs and I'll check upstairs. Do the Navy SEAL signals.
 I only know the Air Force signals.
 I'll be on the lookout.
 God!
 -I haven't located heryet. -Me neither.
 Keep checking.
 Wait a second. I think I see something in the back of the refrig--
 In the back of the closet.
 Check it out.
 Nope. Coast is clear.
 I'll keep looking down here, buddy. You keep an eye peeled up there.
 Oh, shit.
 What is it?
 I'm hit. I need backup.
 I'm coming.
 What happ--
 Help!
 Dead leg.
 Help me, Wayne.
 Oh, my God.
 Get the door. Get the door. Door.
 Darren, I'm leaving you. We're finished. Done.
 Don't call, write, e-mail or fax.
 I never want to see your face oryour fake butt again.
 Okay, get down there.
 Dude, wait. Why me?
 Because you're guarding Judith. I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy.
 But when we let her go, she'll be able to identify me.
 No. She won't be able to because you'll be wearing this.
 But after we let her go, the cops will look for a guy dressed as a bird.
 -So? -So, what am I gonna wear to work?
 Your work clothes.
 But tomorrow's casual Friday.
 Get downstairs!
 Who the hell are you?
 Thanks for meeting me. I called you out of the blue--
 That's okay. I love catching up with old high school friends.
 -Are you single? -Yes.
 Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman.
 He's a really good guy.
 You know what? He works with the elderly.
 Really?
 -That is so sweet. -He still talks about you.
 There's something--
 He even writes poems about you. In fact...
 ...I think he loves you.
 Wayne, I'm gonna become a nun.
 In a week, I take my final vows.
 I didn't even know that you were religious.
 I wasn't in high school.
 But after I graduated, I joined my parents in the circus.
 And I became a trapeze artist.
 I fell in love with mypartner, Luigi Panini.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi!
 And everything was perfect until....
 Talent scouts were in the audience.
 Luigi wanted to impress them.
 He was a great trapeze artist, but he was completely vain.
 And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt...
 ...in the history of trapeze...
 ...the Quadruple Bierman.
 Luigi!
 -Wow. -Yeah.
 After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again.
 That's when I decided to devote my life to serving God and helping others.
 So you haven't taken your final vows yet, right?
 -Right. -So technically, you're not a nun yet.
 Well, no. I mean, not yet.
 So why not then just have lunch with Darren?
 I can't figure out why Judith left.
 It doesn't make any sense. She didn't even take her clothes.
 Maybe she went where she didn't need clothes: a nudist colony.
 -I don't think so. -Maybe she got kidnapped.
 -You think? -No.
 Definitely not. That's impossible.
 It's like, why would that happen in a world?
 Maybe she's a lesbo.
 Come on.
 Maybe she's a herm.
 -What? -A hermaphrodite.
 Little dick, little puss.
 -Guess who I bumped into today. -Who?
 Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you.
 -I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne. -She dumped you, dude.
 Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt?
 No way. Judith's coming back.
 What if she doesn't?
 As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her.
 Okay? Okay?
 I got it. Crowbar me.
 Oh, my God.
 -What is it? -This dead chick is really stacked.
 Okay, go, go. Go.
 -What are you doing? -Jacket's caught.
 Take it off!
 I love this jacket!
 Lose it!
 Damn! That was my favorite jacket.
 In a bizarre incident last night, Judith Fessbeggler...
 ...was incinerated beyond recognition when her BMW...
 ...careened offa cliff.
 Investigators have declared it an accident. No foul play is suspected.
 In unrelated news, the body of deceased local Joan Snerd...
 ...was dug up in a grave robbing last night. Police arrested three Cubans.
 -Why are you doing this? -So you can eat and have clothes.
 No, why did you kidnap me?
 I'm not supposed to tell you.
 Oh, I get it. The other guy's the boss.
 No, I make decisions too.
 I suggested that.
 An outhouse. Clever.
 Thanks.
 -You must be very well-educated. -I suppose.
 -Ivy League? -More or less.
 -Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton? -S.U.
 Oh, Stanford University?
 Subway University.
 I knew someone who went there. Did you know J.D. McNugent?
 No. No. Never heard of such a person, ever.
 -See you later, J.D. -Take it easy, Judith.
 Goddamn it!
 -She knows who we are?! -There was nothing I could do.
 She used her super-intellect on me. She's like Hannibal Lecter.
 -Great. Now we can't let her go. -So, what are we going to do?
 -Coach. -Coach!
 If it ain't my favorite third-string quarterback...
 ...and the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had.
 Lookit, he's still got it!
 It's good seeing you boys. Thank you for coming to my trial.
 No problem. We were happy to act as witnesses on your behalf.
 That ref blew. He deserved what he got.
 Touchdown!
 No touchdown. He's out-of-bounds.
 -What?! -He's out-of-bounds.
 You think after you get out of prison they'll let you get your old job back?
 Well, boys, I don't think so.
 So when will they let you out?
 Well, I've got an appeal pending, but it doesn't look good.
 The victim's whiny family's protesting.
 What's their damn problem?
 So, what brings you boys here?
 Well, coach, we need your advice.
 Okay, shoot.
 Darren fell in love with this girl, Judith.
 -And we kidnapped her. -Kill her.
 Wait a minute and let me finish.
 So we screwed up because now she knows who we are.
 So we can't let her go, or she'll turn us in.
 Is that everything?
 Kill her.
 We can't kill her.
 You can! Wheaton Warbirds can do anything they put their minds to.
 But, coach, I mean, come on, actually kill a person?
 What is it that I always said?
 If you can dream it, you can do it.
 Exactly.
 You have the dream. All you have to do is turn it into reality.
 -Okay. -Thattaboy!
 Now, go on home and snuff her.
 -Come on, move. -Thanks, coach.
 Where's your bird suit?
 I don't need it, because we're--
 Because we're gonna kill you. Right?
 You aren't going to shoot me.
 What makes you say that?
 Because you're not killers.
 Sure we are.
 You've never killed anyone.
 I killed a man once.
 -Oh, really? -Yeah.
 -Who? -Kevin Beckley.
 You didn't kill Kevin Beckley. He died in a car wreck.
 -She doesn't know that. Goddamn it. -You see?
 You guys have never killed anything in your entire lives.
 One time, this squirrel ran out into the street and I ran over him...
 ...and he didn't die right then, but I'm pretty sure he died right after.
 It doesn't matter if we've killed or not! We're gonna do it right now!
 -Ready?! -Ready.
 -Do it. -I can't!
 Goddamn it!
 -Okay, it's Tuesday. -So?
 So you're meeting Sandy for lunch.
 Can't you see I'm in mourning?
 But you promised you'd be there. You gave her your word.
 I didn't even talk to her.
 Okay, I gave her your word.
 For God's sakes, when will you give up this idea that I'll go out with Sandy?
 When you go out with Sandy.
 Now, come on.
 Come on. Come on. Come on, come on.
 Come on! All right! Come on!
 Hey! Wow, you're wearing the--
 I'm training to become a nun.
 A nun. Well, that explains it.
 -I hope it doesn't freak you out. -No, it doesn't.
 Actually, I'm relieved.
 I think Wayne was trying to set us up on a date.
 Oh, yeah. He's got some crazy ideas.
 Yeah. Well, now that I know that you're unavailable...
 ...it makes this easier.
 We can just be friends.
 Exactly. Friends.
 Please.
 -Thank you. -Sure.
 So how are your parents?
 Oh, great. They're making a fortune on the lnternet.
 They started their own Web site, circusfreak.com.
 Wow, good for them.
 And how's your brother, Dog-face Boy?
 He got rabies.
 -God, that's too bad. -Yeah.
 We thought we were gonna have to put him down...
 ...but he recovered.
 Oh, good. Good.
 So how are you?
 Oh, me? I'm great.
 Yeah, everything's been really good, you know?
 Yeah.
 Well, my fiancée died.
 She died?
 Yeah, she's dead.
 -I am so sorry. -Oh, don't be.
 Please don't be sorry.
 It's nothing.
 So how do you feel about....
 Oh, no.
 Oh, gosh. Just cry. Let it out.
 I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you.
 Thank you.
 Wait a minute. Wait. You're a Neil Diamond fan too?
 Oh! The man's a genius.
 Yeah!
 He's the greatest songwriter-performer of this or any generation.
 I know.
 Oh, God.
 I brought you some more videos.
 You got your choice: Porno or monster trucks.
 -And I got one that's both. -Thanks, J.D.
 I really appreciate you taking care of me.
 My pleasure.
 Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy.
 Thanks.
 That's why I'm surprised that you let Wayne boss you around.
 Wayne's not--
 No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me.
 Yeah. I think that you seem depressed and confused.
 You think?
 You have a self-defeating personality disorder.
 Have you considered therapy?
 I remember in high school, you were really into helping people.
 At parties, you were always the designated driver.
 Right. And I remember you were a really good dancer.
 And strong too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head.
 Still can.
 Oh, really?
 Ready? And....
 -Oh, Darren! -Help me!
 Are you okay?
 -I can't-- -Just hang on.
 I can't swim.
 Darren!
 Are you okay?
 Thank you. Thank you for saving me.
 No problem.
 Let it out now. There you go.
 Come on.
 Let's go, okay?
 You're a lot stronger than you were in high school.
 Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.
 And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets.
 What else can I say about second grade?
 J.D., let's fast-forward.
 -Have you ever had a girlfriend? -Yes.
 No.
 Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
 -Which man? -Any man.
 -You mean, like, a tall man? -Sure, whatever.
 -I don't like tall people. -How about a short man?
 How short? Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird, like midgets.
 Have you fantasized about having sex with any man? Any man at all?
 Does that include celebrities?
 -Can I ask you something? -Sure.
 I mean, not that it matters now...
 ...but if I had asked you out back in high school, would you have gone?
 Definitely.
 -Not that it matters now, you know. -Right.
 -Perfect. -Thanks.
 Could you, you know, turn around?
 Right. Yeah, certainly.
 I have these.
 Sorry, sorry, those are....
 Thanks.
 -Can you zip me up? -Yeah.
 I had a really good time.
 Me too.
 -Do you want to have dinner tonight? -I can't.
 Tomorrow I have a test in my catechism class...
 ...and I have to score at least an so I can take my vows on Sunday.
 What about tomorrow?
 I'm scheduled to take care of an elderly nun on her death bed.
 I understand.
 But I'd really like to see you again.
 I'll get out of it.
 I always knew I was different, and now I know why.
 I always knew I was different, and now I know why.
 I'm gay.
 You're the only person who's ever truly understood me.
 It's okay. Just let it out.
 Everything will be all right.
 It's all gonna be okay.
 It's gonna be just--
 Judith escaped.
 Der!
 Get to the truck. Go. Go. Go. Go.
 Okay, she can't be far.
 I see her!
 Where? Okay, steady, steady!
 I missed her.
 Now. Let's go. Go, go!
 You go this way, I'll go that way! Go!
 Open up! I've been kidnapped!
 Hold your goddamn horses!
 Oh, thank God. Hurry up.
 Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.
 Young lady, so horny, so impatient.
 Oh, scrotum!
 Dude, she's stealing the truck! Come on!
 -Now! I got her. -Do her! Come on!
 I got her.
 Okay, Judith, it's over.
 You might as well turn around and head back to the house.
 Oh, thank God.
 Hi, officers. You're safe.
 I'm Cowboy Wayne.
 I just bagged me one of them killer goats...
 ...that escaped from the zoo.
 -Good job. -Yeah.
 Okay, then, I'll see you later.
 There. That should hold you for tonight.
 Don't!
 What the hell happened?
 Judith was giving me some therapy...
 ...and helped me realize I was gay and--
 Wait. What?
 I see what happened.
 She messed with your head.
 Wayne, I'm gay.
 No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.
 No, I'm gay. Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.
 How'd she do that?
 She listened.
 Unlike people who knew me for years and ignored all the telltale signs.
 -Like what? -Like my obsession with Bette Midler.
 My preference for track lighting.
 And the fact that I like sucking dick.
 What?! You've done that?!
 Not with another guy, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?
 I don't want to hear anymore.
 Look, you want to be gay? Fine! No problem!
 But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself.
 Okay!
 -You want to be gay with me? -No!
 Come on, go, come on.
 All you, all you! Eleven. Okay.
 One more. One more. Come on. One more.
 Feel the burn. Come on, now.
 Eleven.
 What's the matter, dear?
 You never used to be so winded after only five sets.
 Well, Mother Superior...
 ...I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun.
 Oh, don't get me wrong.
 This is a terrific convent. But I--
 But....
 Well...
 ...I'm having these feelings.
 What kind of feelings?
 You mean sexual feelings.
 Yeah, but it's so much more than that.
 Yes, well...
 ...my dear...
 ...you're the only one who can decide if this is the life you want to live.
 But once you take your final vows...
 ...there is no going back.
 Now, let's go bust out some power squats.
 There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this....
 This....
 This should keep you from biting.
 -How am I gonna eat? -I thought of that.
 -What is that? -It's breakfast.
 It's pancakes, sausage, hash brown, Pop Tart, puréed.
 I won't eat it. I want a Big Montana.
 A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.
 I won't get you one. If you won't eat what I made for you, you can starve!
 Why are you doing this?!
 To save our friendship.
 Friendship? It seems like you're in love with Darren.
 Bullshit!
 Just get over it. Your buddy smokes pole and so do you.
 I am so un-gay!
 Let's pretend you're straight. When's the last time you got any?
 None of your business.
 So it's been years?
 -I'm waiting for the right woman. -There is no right woman.
 If there was, you've already met and she's killed herself or become gay.
 -Bite me! -Blow me!
 -Skank! -Eunuch!
 Stealer of my friend!
 What happened to your head?
 I saw Judith.
 Judith's dead.
 Yeah, but...
 ...I could've sworn it was her.
 -I was on-- -You poor thing.
 You're still not over her death.
 Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other.
 No. No. God, I'm fine.
 And, look, I can deal with this. Okay?
 -So, what are you having? -Let's see.
 There's the duck. That was always Judith's favorite.
 -I'm sorry. -I should leave.
 No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry.
 I will never mention Judith's name again, really.
 I swear. I swear.
 Would you excuse me for a moment?
 Please. I'll be right back. Okay?
 In a-- In a moment.
 Damn it!
 -What do you want?! -Wayne, it's me, Darren.
 I have a problem. I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith.
 Okay. I'll be right there.
 Okay, open up your shirt.
 -Why? -Just do it.
 What is this?
 Now...
 ...here's what's gonna happen.
 I'm going to listen to your conversation.
 Now...
 ...if you say anything about Judith...
 ...or so much as mention her name...
 ...then I'll give you a little shock.
 Perfect.
 I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples.
 I could put them on your balls.
 The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
 Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm back. I am back.
 There was a talkative men's room attendant.
 That's okay.
 -Excuse me. -Hey.
 -This table's reserved. -You know what?
 I come here all the time, and spend a lot of money...
 ...so why not leave me the hell alone?
 I don't mean to be pushy...
 ...but if this relationship is gonna get serious...
 ...I have to give up becoming a nun...
 ...and I'd have to decide soon...
 ...because my final vows are on Sunday.
 Yeah, that thought had occurred to me.
 And if I do that...
 ...I need to know that you want marriage and a family.
 Absolutely.
 I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but...
 ...I love you, Darren.
 I love you too, Judith.
 -Judith?! -I mean Sandy.
 I mean, let's dance. Okay?
 You're out of here.
 Put me down! I haven't ordered yet!
 Time for an attitude adjustment, mister.
 Hey, nice move.
 Damn, he's good.
 Darren!
 Oh, my God!
 Oh, jeez. Oh, my God!
 Are you okay?
 It was a little weird.
 -What's going on? -I can explain.
 It's aversion therapy. Wayne was trying to help me get over Judith...
 ...so I had these things-- Nipples--
 Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought.
 No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship.
 No, I am! Sandy, wait!
 Okay.
 Damn it!
 Wait, wait.
 Wait, Sandy!
 Oh, my God!
 Darren. What happened to you?
 -I ran here from the club. -That's miles!
 Yeah, I know. I wanted to say...
 ...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
 Because the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps...
 -...it's crazy, and-- -Yes!
 -Really? -Yes.
 Just like that?
 Well, I am training to become a nun, you know.
 Forgiveness is just sort of my thing.
 I love you.
 -Really? -I love you.
 -I love you. -Oh, love. Love.
 -Happy? -You didn't have to do that.
 I just happened to be by Arby's. They were throwing out old food...
 ...so, you know, I thought, "Why not?"
 Either way, that's nice of you.
 I was wondering:
 -Why Darren? -What do you mean?
 You don't seem the type to go for a sensitive guy like Darren.
 You seem more the kind of woman that needs an assertive type of guy.
 Before I met Darren, I was--
 I was engaged to a guy like that.
 His idea of fun was to fly to Thailand to fight in a kickboxing tournament.
 U.S.A.! Go, Josh!
 After that, I decided no more tough guys.
 Yeah, and then you found Darren.
 Yeah.
 -So do you even love him? -There's different types of love.
 I knew it!
 Sometimes you make rational decisions. You can't always follow your heart.
 Yeah, whatever.
 I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge.
 Like you kidnapping me.
 That took balls.
 Big balls.
 I gotta say it turned me on.
 It did?
 Oh, my God.
 Goddamn these chains!
 Little key, little key.
 What am I doing? I can't let you go!
 Just give me one free hand. It'll be worth it.
 Okay. Give me the fries.
 -Hi. -Wow.
 Hey.
 Shit.
 Just wait one minute, okay?
 -Dude-- -Dude, you got a boner?
 No.
 -Why didn't you answer the door? -I'm eating.
 -So? -I don't answer when I'm eating.
 -Since when? -Since always.
 -I never knew that. -You didn't know a lot, like I'm gay.
 -Anything else you want to tell me? -I got three balls.
 Shut up! God!
 Dude.
 Hi, coach.
 What are you doing here?
 Retrial. Got a judge that's a sports fan.
 -Congrats. -What will you do now?
 That's why I'm here. Need a place to crash, figure out my next move.
 I knew I could count on you.
 -Well, we gotta talk about-- -You stay as long as you like.
 Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.
 We don't use the toilet anymore since we're cutting down on the water bill.
 What do you do?
 Well, we just use the lawn now.
 Smart thinking.
 Oh, God!
 You pinch loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there.
 Are you crazy? Coach can't stay here!
 -We got a woman locked in the garage! -Oh, yeah!
 You boys got any T.P.?
 No!
 That's all right. I'll find something.
 Play it cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him.
 We tell him we got dates. He can't be here because we're getting laid.
 No, he'll never believe that.
 We'll tell him we got ghosts.
 So, boys, what's for supper?
 -Listen, coach-- -We have ghosts.
 We were thinking that maybe you staying here's not such a great idea.
 Nonsense. It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again.
 So you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?
 Yeah, we snuffed that bitch just like you said.
 Good. How'd you do it?
 -We-- -Ate her.
 You ate her?
 -Yeah. We ate her. -Alive.
 My hat goes off to you.
 You boys are smart. That's the perfect crime.
 Wonder what's on the tube.
 -No! Coach! -No!
 What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show?
 That's the kidnap victim, ain't it?
 You didn't kill her!
 No. Coach, listen....
 I am really disappointed in you boys.
 I want you to go out there and off that cooze.
 We can't, coach.
 Oh, for Pete's sakes! Look! She's getting out!
 Go chop her head off or something.
 There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless. You been pussified.
 Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad.
 -Don't worry! -Who are you?
 Let's say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill you.
 You don't mind if I try to defend myself, do you?
 Of course not. I love a good challenge.
 Are you okay?
 Dude--
 Got it?
 -I'm so happy. -Oh, me too.
 Does this couch fold out?
 What the hell is going on here?
 -Judith! -Yes.
 -You're alive. -Yes.
 -Judith? -Who is this tramp?
 I'm not a tramp.
 Actually, until yesterday, I was training to become a nun.
 I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun?
 No, no. We're in love.
 I thought you were dead.
 Oh, really? Well, I'm not dead. I was kidnapped, okay?
 It was hell! I was beaten, tortured...
 ...and treated like a frigging farm animal!
 And the entire time...
 ...the only thing that kept me alive was the thought...
 ...that somewhere out there, my sweet Darren still loved me...
 ...and that one day we'd be together again.
 It was so horrible.
 -Where are we going? -I don't know. We gotta find her.
 -Okay, where to? -Go left!
 I'm going right!
 They kept me in a dark closet for days.
 And they fed me, like, crushed potato chips under the door.
 Maybe I should go.
 Oh, no.
 Please. Please, don't.
 Don't leave.
 Well, but, I mean...
 ...Judith's alive, and she is your fiancée.
 I know. You're right. You're right. But....
 But you can't go because I....
 -Because what? Why, Darren? -Because I--
 -See, you-- -Yeah?
 -Well, we-- And-- -Yeah?
 Sweetheart, we pledged our love to one another.
 Spare her the pain of seeing us together.
 You...
 ...run along back to the nunnery.
 She's right.
 I mean...
 ...I did pledge.
 Okay.
 Bye.
 She's here! Hey, Darren.
 Sandy, hi. Look, I can-- Darren. Sorry.
 Darren, look. I understand that you're really upset.
 I probably look like a really big asshole--
 Dude!
 Okay. I deserved that. But now let me explain--
 Okay, I guess I deserved that one too, but now we're even, okay?
 Stop! We only did it because we love you.
 Oh, right, because you love me.
 Yeah, man. Come on. Give me a hug. It's--
 -Freeze! -Get your hands up!
 Don't think my presence here means I forgive you.
 I just wanted to tell you guys in person.
 Judith and I are getting married tomorrow.
 You don't want to marry Judith. Admit it.
 -Of course I do. -Okay.
 Then look into my eyes and say it.
 I want to marry Judith.
 Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it.
 I'm out of here.
 Come on. We're sorry, okay?
 What we did was wrong.
 We gotta stop that wedding.
 Dude, how?
 Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill!
 Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D. Look, we need your help.
 I'd do anything for you boys. Name it, you got it.
 Well, we need you to post bail for us. It's $ apiece.
 -No way! -Come on, coach.
 We need your help.
 Jail life is real tough. They're--
 They're sodomizing us in here.
 What?! They're corn-holing you?
 Oh, my God. That's horrible. Don't worry. I'll get you out.
 You got sodomized? Who? I want to meet him.
 What is that?
 Sounds kind of like my truck.
 Come on, boys. Let's go.
 Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut!
 Come on, move it!
 You're free. Now, where to, boys?
 Go left.
 Charge!
 Sandy Perkus...
 ...do you vow to lead a life of poverty...
 ...chastity, obedience...
 ...and silence?
 Wait!
 Sorry.
 Look, you can't do this.
 -You love Darren, right? -Well, yeah.
 -Well, Darren loves you. -Really?
 Darren's her boyfriend, but he has this other girlfriend...
 -...and he's getting-- -So, what are you gonna do?
 Go, my child.
 -Okay. -Come on.
 We've got a wedding to crash!
 Go. Go. Go.
 Bye, everybody!
 Damn. Lost another one.
 Son of a bitch.
 I can't believe I'm doing this.
 Oh, here. We got you some clothes.
 Where did you get these?
 J.D.'s sister.
 -She's a stripper. -And a hooker.
 Go! Gotta go!
 Oh, my gosh!
 Neil Diamond!
 What the hell is going on?
 Neil, let me explain.
 You're the guys who send me all those letters and tapes. Naked pictures.
 What? We never sent you any naked pictures.
 -Dude. -Sorry.
 Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy.
 He's marrying the wrong woman.
 Sandy and Darren, they broke up.
 Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise.
 -Help us get them back together. -I don't know.
 Turn on your heart light. Judith brainwashed him.
 For years, Darren loved me, but I never knew it.
 Hold it. Hold it!
 -Hold on. -And did I mention I was gay?
 I've spent my life writing songs about the power of love...
 ...but up until right now, they've only been words.
 This may be my chance to prove that those words really mean something.
 -You say that if Darren marries... -Judith.
 -...Judith, he'll be miserable. -Right.
 I believe in happy endings. If Neil Diamond has anything to do with it...
 ...this love story will have one.
 Come on! Yeah!
 We got Neil Diamond onboard! All right!
 -Where we going? -The park on America Avenue.
 - - ! -What?
 Cops. Caprice.
 Five cars back. Goddamn heat.
 One little prison break, and they're all over you.
 Whoa, coach.
 No matter what happens, don't look back.
 Just get this sweet gal to the man who loves her.
 I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire than to go back to jail.
 Nice meeting you, Mr. Diamond.
 Coach, look out!
 They're not cops!
 Hey, we're coming to America.
 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Darren Silverman...
 ...and Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony.
 If anyone has any objections, speak now.
 I do.
 -What? -Neil?
 -Neil! -Neil.
 Get to the part where we say, "I do."
 Oh, my!
 -Say, "I do." -No.
 Say, "I do."
 I can't. Because I...
 ...I love Neil...
 ...and I love Sandy.
 You're in love with this slut?
 I am not a slut.
 Sandy is my one and only someone.
 What about me?
 Who's my someone?
 You ruined my life!
 But I saved Darren's!
 Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough...
 ...to hook up with you!
 Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me, you liked it?
 You're right. I have a weakness for incompetent morons.
 Admit it!
 I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need...
 ...and you're the hard-core bitch that I've always dreamed of.
 What about you?
 -When are you gonna get hitched? -Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.
 Me too.
 Really?
 By the power vested in me by the state of Washington...
 ...I now pronounce you man and wife.
 You may kiss the bride.
 I now pronounce you man and wife.
 You may kiss the bride.
 I now pronounce you man and man.
 You may kiss the man.
 Come on, we need you for this one.
 Neil Diamond. Hot August night, .
 That concert rocked and rolled. I know because I was there.
 That's me.
 My water broke.
 Eversince then, I've had this cosmic connection with Neil.
 But this story isn't about Neil.
 It's about me and my two pals, Darren and J.D.
 Best friends since fifth grade.
 That's J.D. He's lactose intolerant.
 And he's not very bright.
 That's Darren Silverman.
 He's a romantic.
 But when it comes to women, he's incredibly gullible.
 That's me, Wayne.
 I'm loyal to my friends.
 -I'd beat you up if you weren't a girl. -Me too.
 After that, I started working out.
 We stayed best friends throughout high school.
 I was the third-string quarterback.
 J.D. became the school mascot.
 Hey, what did you say I didn't really motherfucking hearyou
 Yeah, yeah you Yeah you, yeah you, yeah you
 And Darrenjoined the cheerleading squad.
 Oh, that's Sandy.
 Yeah, Darren's always had a thing for her.
 When you're up against a Warbird
 You're upside down!
 Oh, that's Coach Norton.
 He was a big influence in our lives. He taught us many things.
 Two things you got to remember, boys.
 Number one: Stay away from women.
 All they want from you is your man juice.
 Now...
 ...if you get any urges that you can't suppress with hard liquor, use this.
 -Oh, number two.... -Sportsmanship.
 Sportsmanship.
 Sportsmanship.
 You fairy wimp fruit bag!
 You suck!
 Le Fessier! Get out there!
 I'm just gonna get my helmet.
 Hey, guys! Guys, I'm in!
 -See, he's going in! -Oh, my God!
 Go, Wayne! Go, Wayne!
 Blue ! Blue !
 Go! Set!
 Hike!
 But now we're all grown-up.
 J.D. is rapidly working his way up the ladder at Subway.
 Recently he was promoted...
 ...to temporary second assistant manager in charge of training.
 Okay, McNugent, let's see what you got.
 I've been working on them for weeks. I present the future of Subway.
 Bellston...
 ...three sizes of bevy are small, medium and what?
 -Big? -Like we practiced. You can do this.
 L....
 Long!
 Okay, we'll come back to you.
 This guy's my stinkiest student by far.
 Trimball, let's see your sub.
 No, no. Meat on the inside, bread outside.
 Okay, take it away.
 Take it away!
 Don't judge me on those two guys. This next guy's my protégé.
 He's top of his class, and for his thesis he made a party sub.
 Heston, where's the party sub?
 Darren is a social director at a retirement home.
 B- .
 Bingo.
 Bingo.
 Abe...
 ...pull your pants up or no more Matlock.
 I started my own business.
 What are we dealing with here?
 I don't know, but it sounds big.
 Stay back. I'm going in.
 Careful, sonny.
 So you're causing all this trouble, huh?
 Come here.
 Hey there. Hello.
 Here's the ferocious beast, huh?
 Hey, where's your mommy?
 Get off! Get it off!
 Is it dead?
 No.
 But she is in one deep coon coma.
 Stop it!
 But we all have one mystical thing in common: Ourlove forNeil.
 That's ourband, Diamonds in the Rough.
 Hey, I'm Darren.
 Sophie.
 Do you, maybe, want to grab a drink with me?
 I'm sorry. I'm involved.
 With a real entertainer.
 I can't believe I got blown off again. I'll never meet the right girl.
 You don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.
 Dude, what does a mime look like when it's having sex anyway?
 It's probably like:
 "l'm a mime. I'm a mime."
 Hey, mimes don't talk.
 They do when they're off duty.
 It's not her. It's all women.
 I'm really afraid that there's nobody out there for me.
 The only girl I ever loved...
 ...walked out of my life years ago.
 Sandy Perkus.
 -Rememberher? -Smile.
 Her family was with the circus.
 Her dad was The Strong Man.
 Hermom was The Bearded Lady.
 Herbrother was The Dog-faced Boy.
 Before I mustered the courage to ask her out, she moved away.
 You know, I truly believe...
 ...that there is a one and only someone for everyone.
 And Sandy...
 ...Sandy Perkus...
 ...was my one and only.
 Man, that is so romantic.
 Oh, my God! Look at that juicy piece of ass.
 What do you think of her?
 -Who? -Right there.
 In the red?
 -Yeah, she's gorgeous. -Go talk to her.
 -No. -Okay, I'll do it for you.
 What? Hey, wait.
 Hi. I'm Wayne.
 -No. -No, you don't understand.
 I'm not hitting on you.
 Back off.
 I just want to tell you about my buddy, Darren.
 He's smart, he's sensitive--
 -I don't care. -He'd make a great husband.
 -I don't want to meet him. -Great.
 Dude, she wants you. She thinks you're really cute.
 -Really? -Yeah, she's like:
 "Oh, I'm so excited to meet him," and everything.
 -Are you sure? -Totally!
 Get down there and make your move.
 I don't know.
 Come on!
 -Carpe poon! -Really?
 -Okay, I'll do it. -All right!
 I'm Darren.
 Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me.
 He lied.
 That's a good one.
 No, seriously. I don't want to meet you.
 My friend must have been mistaken.
 I'm really sorry to bother you.
 Let me guess.
 That jerk tried to get into your pants with some tacky line.
 I'm not like that.
 I use magic.
 Beat it, baldy.
 Okay, good stuff. Tough crowd. I like that.
 I have here two...
 ...ordinary metal rings.
 You and me.
 I love you.
 Sorry, I forgot my beer.
 This is my boyfriend, Darren. So hit the bricks, porky.
 Okay. Nice to meet you, Darren.
 Satan.
 I'm sorry about hitting on you before--
 -You should be. -I am. I am.
 I just, I wasn't thinking in....
 You're so beautiful, and I....
 I'm sorry.
 So make up for it. Buy me a drink.
 -Yeah. Okay. -I'll have a Scotch.
 Give the lady a Scotch, and I'll have another beer.
 -He'll have a gin and tonic. -Make that a gin and tonic.
 Can you believe he hooked up with the queen of all hotties?
 They're just having a drink together.
 It's not like they're going steady or anything.
 It's midnight. You know what that means?
 No. What?
 It's our six-week anniversary.
 -Did you get me anything? -No.
 That's okay. That's okay.
 No big deal. But...
 ...I...
 ...got you a little something.
 Thanks. That's really nice.
 You know, I've been thinking.
 We've been together for a while now...
 ...and it seems like maybe it's time...
 ...we get a little more intimate.
 Are you saying you want to have sex?
 Yeah, I am.
 I don't believe in premarital sex. I'd rather not cheapen what we have.
 Of course. Of course not. Me neither.
 -So it's best to wait. -You're right.
 I think-- I mean, you're-- It's best.
 But...
 ...that doesn't mean that we can't...
 ...pleasure each other in other ways.
 I got you.
 Oh, I got you.
 That was really great.
 Thanks.
 That got me pretty excited.
 That's nice.
 I mean, I wouldn't mind if someone did that to me.
 Oh, I get it. You want me to go down on you.
 I would love to, but I can't.
 I have very, very sensitive gums.
 You have gums-- It's a medical condition.
 I wouldn't want to cause you any pain, baby. No.
 You're so sweet.
 You know, there are other ways to give me pleasure without using your mouth.
 Oh, God, I am so inconsiderate. I'm sorry.
 No, that's fine. That's fine.
 Have fun.
 -Watch your head. -This place is a dump.
 I really don't want to do this.
 It'll be great. It's our Sunday ritual and I want you to be part of it.
 I want you to get to know these guys. You'll love them, honey.
 -Yeah, buddy. What's up, dude? -What's up, J.D.?
 Judy, awesome to meet you.
 Judith.
 Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?
 -No. -Totally cool.
 No peer pressure.
 Judith rules. Sorry. Come on in.
 Check it out. Chewie.
 You want a drink?
 -Scotch on the rocks. -You want ice?
 I'll help you with that.
 Hey, Judith. Can I give you the grand tour?
 Let's start right here in the "Hall o' Neil."
 This is Neil, ' . Check this out.
 This is a set list from the Millennium Concert. Look:
 Signed by Neil. Got that on eBay.
 Looks like a Xerox.
 No. This cost a lot of money. Check this out.
 -I think you got taken. -Ready?
 This shirt...
 ...was worn by Neil...
 ...in concert.
 Check it out. We snuck backstage...
 ...and totally stole it from him while he was taking a whiz.
 In my profession, we call your obsession with Neil...
 ...a delusional projection fantasy.
 Yeah, sure. But he's America's greatest songwriter and he's our hero.
 And he's playing the Forum in two weeks.
 Of course, we can't go because of the whole restraining order thing.
 Neil, I love you!
 You again!
 Neil! Where are you going?
 I want to party with you. I want to party with you!
 Game's on.
 Game's on.
 -Give me the remote. -I want to go.
 -Give me a beer. -We just got here.
 These guys are pigs.
 Come on. No, they're not that--
 Hey! What are you doing?
 Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
 Okay, look. Why don't we just stay for a little bit, okay?
 Oh, take mine. Take mine.
 Give her the old sweep-a-roo.
 Old Ethel. We've been through a lot of games together.
 Enjoy.
 I'll help you. She has multiple reclining positions.
 -I can sit forward. -It's stuck.
 -It's fine. -Takes a little muscle.
 Come on, you fucking piece of shit.
 -I don't need-- -It's no trouble.
 Are you okay?
 I'm sorry. That hardly ever happens.
 You know what? I think I-- Yep.
 It's the lug nut. Fixed it. Please have a seat.
 I'll stand.
 I'm a--
 -Sorry. -Get me something.
 So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
 -That's right. -Interesting.
 I'm in a related field.
 Really? What's that?
 Pest and rodent removal.
 How is that related?
 We both help people.
 While you deal with their emotional and intellectual needs...
 ...I protect them from gophers, coons, roaches, silverfish....
 He launched it.
 Touchdown!
 I don't want you to see Wayne or J.D. ever again, Darren!
 But they're my best friends.
 You're getting new friends, and you're quitting that bullshit band.
 I know you're upset. I do. But I am not dropping Wayne and J.D...
 ...and I'm not quitting the band.
 Okay, fine. No more sex.
 What?
 You're not allowed to go down on me for one month.
 No, Judith, please--
 Don't make me take away your masturbation privileges.
 You go, boys. You sing this song. You know it. Come on, boys. Sing it!
 -Sing it! -This blows, man.
 Judith's out of control. We gotta do something.
 Besides ruining the band, what else has she done?
 Ever since she moved in with him, she's controlled his life.
 She didn't like his ass. Made him get butt-cheek implants.
 I thought his ass looked tighter.
 Check this out. Last night...
 ...torched his Neil Diamond albums.
 She torched Neil?
 You're right. She's a monster.
 Two, three, four.
 -Hey! -Yes!
 -Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. -It's all right.
 I only have a minute. I have to wax Judith's legs.
 -We miss you. -We never see you anymore.
 I know, I'm sorry...
 ...but I've just been so happy spending time with Judith.
 Plus, my relationship counseling sessions--
 Counseling?
 Yeah. I go two hours, three times a week.
 Oh. Who's your counselor?
 Judith.
 We don't think she's right for you.
 Break up with her.
 She's ruining our lives and yours.
 This graph should illustrate our point.
 Before Judith, our fun level was at an all-time high: .
 It is now an eight.
 Band numbers have plunged dramatically.
 Girls, never very high, at nine. But look now. Two!
 This has led to increased wanking off.
 I'm chafing.
 Shit, I gotta go home and heat the wax.
 Guys, listen. Thanks for your concern, really.
 I miss you too. But it was great seeing you, all right?
 That guy's in serious trouble.
 We need to save him.
 Sorry to bother you.
 What are you doing here?
 We want to apologize for the beer shower.
 And the salsa bath. That was bad.
 -Get the hell out of here. -Just give us a minute, okay?
 My rate is $ an hour.
 Do you have any money?
 I got some of that.
 Just give me the big bills.
 Six. Is that all you have?
 Thirty. $ . .
 Two and a half minutes.
 We don't want you seeing Darren. We don't think you're right for him.
 The band needs him.
 -But we're prepared to buy you off. -With what?
 My house.
 Okay? Look.
 My grandma here? She was born in this house, is buried in the back yard.
 There's my mom...
 ...there's my dad and there's me.
 My dad was dropping me on my head. But...
 ...we're willing to sign this over to you...
 ...if you just agree not to see Darren.
 I don't want your shitty house or your dead grandma.
 I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much...
 ...but he's hung like a horse.
 It's true.
 Look, Darren's mine. There's nothing you can do about it.
 I own him. He does whatever I say. I'm in complete control of him.
 He's my puppet and I'm his puppet master.
 You're not taking Darren away!
 Just try to stop me.
 One round, winner takes Darren.
 -You're on. -Kick her ass.
 Go.
 You've got quite a grip. You must be a heavy masturbator.
 My guess is three times a day?
 I bet you're a premature ejaculator.
 You start off with a big bang.
 Before you know it, you're limp.
 -I win, you lose. Now get out. -God!
 Hey, check it out.
 Hey, baby.
 Hello, ladies.
 So how much?
 Fifty bucks for you, and for your friend.
 -Okay. -All right.
 I want you to laugh like he just said something.
 Perfect!
 Get this one. Be like this. Like this.
 Douche, douche.
 Yeah, you. Slap his ass.
 That's not sexy.
 Watch it.
 You're moving my guy!
 Lookit. Lookit.
 Good.
 -Awesome. -Check this out.
 Mail, check. Go. Don't look back.
 Hurry up. Come on.
 Hi, Judith. How's it going?
 Not so good. Look at these.
 Oh, my God.
 He's sick.
 He's perverted.
 -He's cheating on you. -With two chicks.
 I don't know. I guess I'd dump him?
 -Oh, totally. -Right?
 Do you guys notice anything weird about these photos?
 No, that's Darren, all right.
 Darren doesn't have a tattoo.
 Nice try, idiots.
 If I ever see you near Darren again...
 ...I'll kill you.
 Thanks for meeting me here. I have something important to say.
 Oh, man. You broke up?
 No.
 Out of the blue, Judith proposed to me. We're engaged.
 -What? -Dude, congratulations.
 Starting next week, I'll be Mr. Darren Fessbeggler.
 Right, because you're gonna take her last name, huh?
 Yeah, well...
 ...Judith feels, and I think she's got a really good point here...
 ...that it's sexist for the woman to take the man's last name.
 Anyway, it's too late to change it.
 We've already ordered the monogrammed towels.
 Darren.
 Sandy?
 Sandy Perkus.
 Oh, my God, Darren. It's been so long.
 Yeah, it has.
 Hey, it's Wayne.
 High school, remember? You remember?
 Right! The senior talent show.
 Yeah, you were booed off the stage.
 That was me.
 Yep. Sandy, remember me? J.D. McNugent?
 I went to the prom...
 ...with a tuxedo painted on my naked body.
 Oh, I guess I missed it.
 I spilled a drink and the paint ran and everyone could see my dong.
 It doesn't ring a bell.
 Remember, in science, I was lighting farts with the Bunsen burner...
 ...and I singed my ball sac?
 No.
 Man. I still can't grow hair on my left nut.
 Sucks.
 So how are you?
 Great. Great. I just moved back to town.
 Oh, wow, that's great.
 Gosh, you know, I have to go, but it was great seeing you.
 Yeah, same here. Me too.
 -See you. -Take care.
 -Okay, bye. -Awesome.
 Yeah, bye. Bye.
 Oh, my God.
 -This is it! -What?
 It's your big chance. Sandy Perkus has just walked back into your life.
 You even said so yourself. She was your one and only someone!
 She used to be. Now Judith is my one and only someone.
 I'll talk to you guys later. Okay?
 Isn't "one and only" like, one...
 ...and only?
 -Here's your drink. -Where's the lemon wedge?
 We're out of lemons, but I'll run to the store--
 Forget it. I want you to meet two exciting people.
 Brett is a tax attorney, and Clayton's a CPA.
 Wow, that is exciting.
 This is my fiancé, Darren.
 -Pleased to meet you. -Same.
 -Congratulations. -Thank you.
 Excuse me, I'll get it.
 Is Darren here? I think he left his Vespa helmet.
 What's going on?
 We're having our engagement party.
 Oh, then I guess our invitations must've been lost in the mail.
 No.
 I think it's very possible she didn't even send us invitations.
 -Thanks for stopping by. -Who's Darren talking to?
 Those are his new friends.
 -I'll have a merlot. -A spritzer.
 -We don't work here. -You fooled me.
 -My name's Brett, this is Clayton. -This is Darren.
 Yeah, we know who he is, Clayton.
 -Darren's our friend, Brett. -We knew him first.
 Fuck you, replacement friend!
 Eat this, fake Wayne!
 Stop it! Do something!
 Get out of here!
 Hey, this isn't over yet!
 We're not giving up on Darren!
 She thinks this gig is over.
 It's not over. No!
 But we are taking this into overtime!
 Yeah! Okay, strategy session.
 -Okay, our enemy is wicked. -Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
 -No, Damien. -Dude, she's Vader.
 No, she is the Emperor!
 But with really great tits.
 Okay, now, Sandy? That girl, she's a nice girl.
 -She's a sweetheart. -Dude, a saint.
 -A goddess. -A princess.
 You know what? She's kind of like Mother Teresa.
 But with way better tits.
 And Darren loves Sandy no matter what he says.
 Definitely.
 That's why we have to intervene and fix the problem!
 -Definitely! -All right!
 We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy.
 What?
 The bat is leaving the cave.
 Roger that.
 Alarm system has been deactivated. Out.
 Roger that.
 Dude, you don't have to do the--
 --sound. It already does that. Out.
 Copy that. I'm not going to make the--
 --sound after I say stuff from now on.
 Shady McNugent...
 ...over and out.
 That was the last one.
 -I'm scared. What if we get caught? -Not gonna happen.
 I'm hungry.
 We'll eat later.
 -Can we go to Happy Burger? -Yes, after the kidnapping.
 I'm gonna get a Chubby Checker with--
 With cheese.
 What?
 You go downstairs and I'll check upstairs. Do the Navy SEAL signals.
 I only know the Air Force signals.
 I'll be on the lookout.
 God!
 -I haven't located heryet. -Me neither.
 Keep checking.
 Wait a second. I think I see something in the back of the refrig--
 In the back of the closet.
 Check it out.
 Nope. Coast is clear.
 I'll keep looking down here, buddy. You keep an eye peeled up there.
 Oh, shit.
 What is it?
 I'm hit. I need backup.
 I'm coming.
 What happ--
 Help!
 Dead leg.
 Help me, Wayne.
 Oh, my God.
 Get the door. Get the door. Door.
 Darren, I'm leaving you. We're finished. Done.
 Don't call, write, e-mail or fax.
 I never want to see your face oryour fake butt again.
 Okay, get down there.
 Dude, wait. Why me?
 Because you're guarding Judith. I'm dealing with Darren and Sandy.
 But when we let her go, she'll be able to identify me.
 No. She won't be able to because you'll be wearing this.
 But after we let her go, the cops will look for a guy dressed as a bird.
 -So? -So, what am I gonna wear to work?
 Your work clothes.
 But tomorrow's casual Friday.
 Get downstairs!
 Who the hell are you?
 Thanks for meeting me. I called you out of the blue--
 That's okay. I love catching up with old high school friends.
 -Are you single? -Yes.
 Great. Look, I wanted to talk to you about Darren Silverman.
 He's a really good guy.
 You know what? He works with the elderly.
 Really?
 -That is so sweet. -He still talks about you.
 There's something--
 He even writes poems about you. In fact...
 ...I think he loves you.
 Wayne, I'm gonna become a nun.
 In a week, I take my final vows.
 I didn't even know that you were religious.
 I wasn't in high school.
 But after I graduated, I joined my parents in the circus.
 And I became a trapeze artist.
 I fell in love with mypartner, Luigi Panini.
 Ladies and gentlemen, the fabulous Luigi!
 And everything was perfect until....
 Talent scouts were in the audience.
 Luigi wanted to impress them.
 He was a great trapeze artist, but he was completely vain.
 And now Luigi will attempt the most dangerous stunt...
 ...in the history of trapeze...
 ...the Quadruple Bierman.
 Luigi!
 -Wow. -Yeah.
 After Luigi died, I knew I would never love again.
 That's when I decided to devote my life to serving God and helping others.
 So you haven't taken your final vows yet, right?
 -Right. -So technically, you're not a nun yet.
 Well, no. I mean, not yet.
 So why not then just have lunch with Darren?
 I can't figure out why Judith left.
 It doesn't make any sense. She didn't even take her clothes.
 Maybe she went where she didn't need clothes: a nudist colony.
 -I don't think so. -Maybe she got kidnapped.
 -You think? -No.
 Definitely not. That's impossible.
 It's like, why would that happen in a world?
 Maybe she's a lesbo.
 Come on.
 Maybe she's a herm.
 -What? -A hermaphrodite.
 Little dick, little puss.
 -Guess who I bumped into today. -Who?
 Sandy Perkus, and she wants to see you.
 -I'm engaged to Judith, Wayne. -She dumped you, dude.
 Just have lunch with Sandy. What's it gonna hurt?
 No way. Judith's coming back.
 What if she doesn't?
 As long as Judith's alive, I'll never give up on her.
 Okay? Okay?
 I got it. Crowbar me.
 Oh, my God.
 -What is it? -This dead chick is really stacked.
 Okay, go, go. Go.
 -What are you doing? -Jacket's caught.
 Take it off!
 I love this jacket!
 Lose it!
 Damn! That was my favorite jacket.
 In a bizarre incident last night, Judith Fessbeggler...
 ...was incinerated beyond recognition when herBMW...
 ...careened offa cliff.
 Investigators have declared it an accident. No foul play is suspected.
 In unrelated news, the body of deceased local Joan Snerd...
 ...was dug up in a grave robbing last night. Police arrested three Cubans.
 -Why are you doing this? -So you can eat and have clothes.
 No, why did you kidnap me?
 I'm not supposed to tell you.
 Oh, I get it. The other guy's the boss.
 No, I make decisions too.
 I suggested that.
 An outhouse. Clever.
 Thanks.
 -You must be very well-educated. -I suppose.
 -Ivy League? -More or less.
 -Which one? Yale, Harvard, Princeton? -S.U.
 Oh, Stanford University?
 Subway University.
 I knew someone who went there. Did you know J.D. McNugent?
 No. No. Never heard of such a person, ever.
 -See you later, J.D. -Take it easy, Judith.
 Goddamn it!
 -She knows who we are?! -There was nothing I could do.
 She used her super-intellect on me. She's like Hannibal Lecter.
 -Great. Now we can't let her go. -So, what are we going to do?
 -Coach. -Coach!
 If it ain't my favorite third-string quarterback...
 ...and the best damn mascot Wheaton High School ever had.
 Lookit, he's still got it!
 It's good seeing you boys. Thank you for coming to my trial.
 No problem. We were happy to act as witnesses on your behalf.
 That ref blew. He deserved what he got.
 Touchdown!
 No touchdown. He's out-of-bounds.
 -What?! -He's out-of-bounds.
 You think after you get out of prison they'll let you get your old job back?
 Well, boys, I don't think so.
 So when will they let you out?
 Well, I've got an appeal pending, but it doesn't look good.
 The victim's whiny family's protesting.
 What's their damn problem?
 So, what brings you boys here?
 Well, coach, we need your advice.
 Okay, shoot.
 Darren fell in love with this girl, Judith.
 -And we kidnapped her. -Kill her.
 Wait a minute and let me finish.
 So we screwed up because now she knows who we are.
 So we can't let her go, or she'll turn us in.
 Is that everything?
 Kill her.
 We can't kill her.
 You can! Wheaton Warbirds can do anything they put their minds to.
 But, coach, I mean, come on, actually kill a person?
 What is it that I always said?
 If you can dream it, you can do it.
 Exactly.
 You have the dream. All you have to do is turn it into reality.
 -Okay. -Thattaboy!
 Now, go on home and snuff her.
 -Come on, move. -Thanks, coach.
 Where's your bird suit?
 I don't need it, because we're--
 Because we're gonna kill you. Right?
 You aren't going to shoot me.
 What makes you say that?
 Because you're not killers.
 Sure we are.
 You've never killed anyone.
 I killed a man once.
 -Oh, really? -Yeah.
 -Who? -Kevin Beckley.
 You didn't kill Kevin Beckley. He died in a car wreck.
 -She doesn't know that. Goddamn it. -You see?
 You guys have never killed anything in your entire lives.
 One time, this squirrel ran out into the street and I ran over him...
 ...and he didn't die right then, but I'm pretty sure he died right after.
 It doesn't matter if we've killed or not! We're gonna do it right now!
 -Ready?! -Ready.
 -Do it. -I can't!
 Goddamn it!
 -Okay, it's Tuesday. -So?
 So you're meeting Sandy for lunch.
 Can't you see I'm in mourning?
 But you promised you'd be there. You gave her your word.
 I didn't even talk to her.
 Okay, I gave her your word.
 For God's sakes, when will you give up this idea that I'll go out with Sandy?
 When you go out with Sandy.
 Now, come on.
 Come on. Come on. Come on, come on.
 Come on! All right! Come on!
 Hey! Wow, you're wearing the--
 I'm training to become a nun.
 A nun. Well, that explains it.
 -I hope it doesn't freak you out. -No, it doesn't.
 Actually, I'm relieved.
 I think Wayne was trying to set us up on a date.
 Oh, yeah. He's got some crazy ideas.
 Yeah. Well, now that I know that you're unavailable...
 ...it makes this easier.
 We can just be friends.
 Exactly. Friends.
 Please.
 -Thank you. -Sure.
 So how are your parents?
 Oh, great. They're making a fortune on the lnternet.
 They started their own Web site, circusfreak.com.
 Wow, good for them.
 And how's your brother, Dog-face Boy?
 He got rabies.
 -God, that's too bad. -Yeah.
 We thought we were gonna have to put him down...
 ...but he recovered.
 Oh, good. Good.
 So how are you?
 Oh, me? I'm great.
 Yeah, everything's been really good, you know?
 Yeah.
 Well, my fiancée died.
 She died?
 Yeah, she's dead.
 -I am so sorry. -Oh, don't be.
 Please don't be sorry.
 It's nothing.
 So how do you feel about....
 Oh, no.
 Oh, gosh. Just cry. Let it out.
 I'm here for you, okay? I'm here for you.
 Thank you.
 Wait a minute. Wait. You're a Neil Diamond fan too?
 Oh! The man's a genius.
 Yeah!
 He's the greatest songwriter-performer of this or any generation.
 I know.
 Oh, God.
 I brought you some more videos.
 You got your choice: Porno or monster trucks.
 -And I got one that's both. -Thanks, J.D.
 I really appreciate you taking care of me.
 My pleasure.
 Hey, you strike me as a pretty responsible guy.
 Thanks.
 That's why I'm surprised that you let Wayne boss you around.
 Wayne's not--
 No one bosses me around. Wayne's not the boss of me.
 Yeah. I think that you seem depressed and confused.
 You think?
 You have a self-defeating personality disorder.
 Have you considered therapy?
 I remember in high school, you were really into helping people.
 At parties, you were always the designated driver.
 Right. And I remember you were a really good dancer.
 And strong too. You used to be able to lift me up over your head.
 Still can.
 Oh, really?
 Ready? And....
 -Oh, Darren! -Help me!
 Are you okay?
 -I can't-- -Just hang on.
 I can't swim.
 Darren!
 Are you okay?
 Thank you. Thank you for saving me.
 No problem.
 Let it out now. There you go.
 Come on.
 Let's go, okay?
 You're a lot stronger than you were in high school.
 Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.
 And ever since then, I've been afraid of toilets.
 What else can I say about second grade?
 J.D., let's fast-forward.
 -Have you ever had a girlfriend? -Yes.
 No.
 Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
 -Which man? -Any man.
 -You mean, like, a tall man? -Sure, whatever.
 -I don't like tall people. -How about a short man?
 How short? Sometimes people can be too short. That's weird, like midgets.
 Have you fantasized about having sex with any man? Any man at all?
 Does that include celebrities?
 -Can I ask you something? -Sure.
 I mean, not that it matters now...
 ...but if I had asked you out back in high school, would you have gone?
 Definitely.
 -Not that it matters now, you know. -Right.
 -Perfect. -Thanks.
 Could you, you know, turn around?
 Right. Yeah, certainly.
 I have these.
 Sorry, sorry, those are....
 Thanks.
 -Can you zip me up? -Yeah.
 I had a really good time.
 Me too.
 -Do you want to have dinner tonight? -I can't.
 Tomorrow I have a test in my catechism class...
 ...and I have to score at least an so I can take my vows on Sunday.
 What about tomorrow?
 I'm scheduled to take care of an elderly nun on her death bed.
 I understand.
 But I'd really like to see you again.
 I'll get out of it.
 I always knew I was different, and now I know why.
 I always knew I was different, and now I know why.
 I'm gay.
 You're the only person who's ever truly understood me.
 It's okay. Just let it out.
 Everything will be all right.
 It's all gonna be okay.
 It's gonna be just--
 Judith escaped.
 Der!
 Get to the truck. Go. Go. Go. Go.
 Okay, she can't be far.
 I see her!
 Where? Okay, steady, steady!
 I missed her.
 Now. Let's go. Go, go!
 You go this way, I'll go that way! Go!
 Open up! I've been kidnapped!
 Hold your goddamn horses!
 Oh, thank God. Hurry up.
 Tonight Mr. Chang gets lucky.
 Young lady, so horny, so impatient.
 Oh, scrotum!
 Dude, she's stealing the truck! Come on!
 -Now! I got her. -Do her! Come on!
 I got her.
 Okay, Judith, it's over.
 You might as well turn around and head back to the house.
 Oh, thank God.
 Hi, officers. You're safe.
 I'm Cowboy Wayne.
 I just bagged me one of them killer goats...
 ...that escaped from the zoo.
 -Good job. -Yeah.
 Okay, then, I'll see you later.
 There. That should hold you for tonight.
 Don't!
 What the hell happened?
 Judith was giving me some therapy...
 ...and helped me realize I was gay and--
 Wait. What?
 I see what happened.
 She messed with your head.
 Wayne, I'm gay.
 No, you're not. You're just unsuccessful with women.
 No, I'm gay. Judith got me in touch with the inner J.D.
 How'd she do that?
 She listened.
 Unlike people who knew me for years and ignored all the telltale signs.
 -Like what? -Like my obsession with Bette Midler.
 My preference for track lighting.
 And the fact that I like sucking dick.
 What?! You've done that?!
 Not with another guy, but remember when I bought that book on yoga?
 I don't want to hear anymore.
 Look, you want to be gay? Fine! No problem!
 But from now on, I'll take care of Judith myself.
 Okay!
 -You want to be gay with me? -No!
 Come on, go, come on.
 All you, all you! Eleven. Okay.
 One more. One more. Come on. One more.
 Feel the burn. Come on, now.
 Eleven.
 What's the matter, dear?
 You never used to be so winded after only five sets.
 Well, Mother Superior...
 ...I'm having some second thoughts about becoming a nun.
 Oh, don't get me wrong.
 This is a terrific convent. But I--
 But....
 Well...
 ...I'm having these feelings.
 What kind of feelings?
 You mean sexual feelings.
 Yeah, but it's so much more than that.
 Yes, well...
 ...my dear...
 ...you're the only one who can decide if this is the life you want to live.
 But once you take your final vows...
 ...there is no going back.
 Now, let's go bust out some power squats.
 There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this....
 This....
 This should keep you from biting.
 -How am I gonna eat? -I thought of that.
 -What is that? -It's breakfast.
 It's pancakes, sausage, hash brown, Pop Tart, puréed.
 I won't eat it. I want a Big Montana.
 A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.
 I won't get you one. If you won't eat what I made for you, you can starve!
 Why are you doing this?!
 To save our friendship.
 Friendship? It seems like you're in love with Darren.
 Bullshit!
 Just get over it. Your buddy smokes pole and so do you.
 I am so un-gay!
 Let's pretend you're straight. When's the last time you got any?
 None of your business.
 So it's been years?
 -I'm waiting for the right woman. -There is no right woman.
 If there was, you've already met and she's killed herself or become gay.
 -Bite me! -Blow me!
 -Skank! -Eunuch!
 Stealer of my friend!
 What happened to your head?
 I saw Judith.
 Judith's dead.
 Yeah, but...
 ...I could've sworn it was her.
 -I was on-- -You poor thing.
 You're still not over her death.
 Maybe we shouldn't be seeing each other.
 No. No. God, I'm fine.
 And, look, I can deal with this. Okay?
 -So, what are you having? -Let's see.
 There's the duck. That was always Judith's favorite.
 -I'm sorry. -I should leave.
 No, you shouldn't. I'm so sorry.
 I will never mention Judith's name again, really.
 I swear. I swear.
 Would you excuse me for a moment?
 Please. I'll be right back. Okay?
 In a-- In a moment.
 Damn it!
 -What do you want?! -Wayne, it's me, Darren.
 I have a problem. I'm with Sandy, but I can't stop talking about Judith.
 Okay. I'll be right there.
 Okay, open up your shirt.
 -Why? -Just do it.
 What is this?
 Now...
 ...here's what's gonna happen.
 I'm going to listen to your conversation.
 Now...
 ...if you say anything about Judith...
 ...or so much as mention her name...
 ...then I'll give you a little shock.
 Perfect.
 I don't think I'm comfortable having these things on my nipples.
 I could put them on your balls.
 The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
 Hi. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm back. I am back.
 There was a talkative men's room attendant.
 That's okay.
 -Excuse me. -Hey.
 -This table's reserved. -You know what?
 I come here all the time, and spend a lot of money...
 ...so why not leave me the hell alone?
 I don't mean to be pushy...
 ...but if this relationship is gonna get serious...
 ...I have to give up becoming a nun...
 ...and I'd have to decide soon...
 ...because my final vows are on Sunday.
 Yeah, that thought had occurred to me.
 And if I do that...
 ...I need to know that you want marriage and a family.
 Absolutely.
 I never thought I'd say this to anyone after Luigi died, but...
 ...I love you, Darren.
 I love you too, Judith.
 -Judith?! -I mean Sandy.
 I mean, let's dance. Okay?
 You're out of here.
 Put me down! I haven't ordered yet!
 Time for an attitude adjustment, mister.
 Hey, nice move.
 Damn, he's good.
 Darren!
 Oh, my God!
 Oh, jeez. Oh, my God!
 Are you okay?
 It was a little weird.
 -What's going on? -I can explain.
 It's aversion therapy. Wayne was trying to help me get over Judith...
 ...so I had these things-- Nipples--
 Oh, my God. It's so much worse than I thought.
 No, you're obviously not ready for this relationship.
 No, I am! Sandy, wait!
 Okay.
 Damn it!
 Wait, wait.
 Wait, Sandy!
 Oh, my God!
 Darren. What happened to you?
 -I ran here from the club. -That's miles!
 Yeah, I know. I wanted to say...
 ...I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can you ever forgive me?
 Because the whole Judith thing and the nipple clamps...
 -...it's crazy, and-- -Yes!
 -Really? -Yes.
 Just like that?
 Well, I am training to become a nun, you know.
 Forgiveness is just sort of my thing.
 I love you.
 -Really? -I love you.
 -I love you. -Oh, love. Love.
 -Happy? -You didn't have to do that.
 I just happened to be by Arby's. They were throwing out old food...
 ...so, you know, I thought, "Why not?"
 Either way, that's nice of you.
 I was wondering:
 -Why Darren? -What do you mean?
 You don't seem the type to go for a sensitive guy like Darren.
 You seem more the kind of woman that needs an assertive type of guy.
 Before I met Darren, I was--
 I was engaged to a guy like that.
 His idea of fun was to fly to Thailand to fight in a kickboxing tournament.
 U.S.A.! Go, Josh!
 After that, I decided no more tough guys.
 Yeah, and then you found Darren.
 Yeah.
 -So do you even love him? -There's different types of love.
 I knew it!
 Sometimes you make rational decisions. You can't always follow your heart.
 Yeah, whatever.
 I will admit there's something sexy about a man who takes charge.
 Like you kidnapping me.
 That took balls.
 Big balls.
 I gotta say it turned me on.
 It did?
 Oh, my God.
 Goddamn these chains!
 Little key, little key.
 What am I doing? I can't let you go!
 Just give me one free hand. It'll be worth it.
 Okay. Give me the fries.
 -Hi. -Wow.
 Hey.
 Shit.
 Just wait one minute, okay?
 -Dude-- -Dude, you got a boner?
 No.
 -Why didn't you answer the door? -I'm eating.
 -So? -I don't answer when I'm eating.
 -Since when? -Since always.
 -I never knew that. -You didn't know a lot, like I'm gay.
 -Anything else you want to tell me? -I got three balls.
 Shut up! God!
 Dude.
 Hi, coach.
 What are you doing here?
 Retrial. Got a judge that's a sports fan.
 -Congrats. -What will you do now?
 That's why I'm here. Need a place to crash, figure out my next move.
 I knew I could count on you.
 -Well, we gotta talk about-- -You stay as long as you like.
 Great! Where's the bathroom? I gotta take a dump.
 We don't use the toilet anymore since we're cutting down on the water bill.
 What do you do?
 Well, we just use the lawn now.
 Smart thinking.
 Oh, God!
 You pinch loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there.
 Are you crazy? Coach can't stay here!
 -We got a woman locked in the garage! -Oh, yeah!
 You boys got any T.P.?
 No!
 That's all right. I'll find something.
 Play it cool. We'll find some way to get rid of him.
 We tell him we got dates. He can't be here because we're getting laid.
 No, he'll never believe that.
 We'll tell him we got ghosts.
 So, boys, what's for supper?
 -Listen, coach-- -We have ghosts.
 We were thinking that maybe you staying here's not such a great idea.
 Nonsense. It'll give us a chance to get to know one another again.
 So you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?
 Yeah, we snuffed that bitch just like you said.
 Good. How'd you do it?
 -We-- -Ate her.
 You ate her?
 -Yeah. We ate her. -Alive.
 My hat goes off to you.
 You boys are smart. That's the perfect crime.
 Wonder what's on the tube.
 -No! Coach! -No!
 What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show?
 That's the kidnap victim, ain't it?
 You didn't kill her!
 No. Coach, listen....
 I am really disappointed in you boys.
 I want you to go out there and off that cooze.
 We can't, coach.
 Oh, for Pete's sakes! Look! She's getting out!
 Go chop her head off or something.
 There's no fight left in you boys. You're nutless. You been pussified.
 Don't worry about a thing, boys. I'll take care of that broad.
 -Don't worry! -Who are you?
 Let's say I'm a friend of the boys, and I'm here to kill you.
 You don't mind if I try to defend myself, do you?
 Of course not. I love a good challenge.
 Are you okay?
 Dude--
 Got it?
 -I'm so happy. -Oh, me too.
 Does this couch fold out?
 What the hell is going on here?
 -Judith! -Yes.
 -You're alive. -Yes.
 -Judith? -Who is this tramp?
 I'm not a tramp.
 Actually, until yesterday, I was training to become a nun.
 I'm gone for a week, and you're screwing a nun?
 No, no. We're in love.
 I thought you were dead.
 Oh, really? Well, I'm not dead. I was kidnapped, okay?
 It was hell! I was beaten, tortured...
 ...and treated like a frigging farm animal!
 And the entire time...
 ...the only thing that kept me alive was the thought...
 ...that somewhere out there, my sweet Darren still loved me...
 ...and that one day we'd be together again.
 It was so horrible.
 -Where are we going? -I don't know. We gotta find her.
 -Okay, where to? -Go left!
 I'm going right!
 They kept me in a dark closet for days.
 And they fed me, like, crushed potato chips under the door.
 Maybe I should go.
 Oh, no.
 Please. Please, don't.
 Don't leave.
 Well, but, I mean...
 ...Judith's alive, and she is your fiancée.
 I know. You're right. You're right. But....
 But you can't go because I....
 -Because what? Why, Darren? -Because I--
 -See, you-- -Yeah?
 -Well, we-- And-- -Yeah?
 Sweetheart, we pledged our love to one another.
 Spare her the pain of seeing us together.
 You...
 ...run along back to the nunnery.
 She's right.
 I mean...
 ...I did pledge.
 Okay.
 Bye.
 She's here! Hey, Darren.
 Sandy, hi. Look, I can-- Darren. Sorry.
 Darren, look. I understand that you're really upset.
 I probably look like a really big asshole--
 Dude!
 Okay. I deserved that. But now let me explain--
 Okay, I guess I deserved that one too, but now we're even, okay?
 Stop! We only did it because we love you.
 Oh, right, because you love me.
 Yeah, man. Come on. Give me a hug. It's--
 -Freeze! -Get your hands up!
 Don't think my presence here means I forgive you.
 I just wanted to tell you guys in person.
 Judith and I are getting married tomorrow.
 You don't want to marry Judith. Admit it.
 -Of course I do. -Okay.
 Then look into my eyes and say it.
 I want to marry Judith.
 Look into both our eyes at the same time and say it.
 I'm out of here.
 Come on. We're sorry, okay?
 What we did was wrong.
 We gotta stop that wedding.
 Dude, how?
 Let's go, you maggots! Kill! Kill! Kill!
 Coach. Yeah, it's Wayne and J.D. Look, we need your help.
 I'd do anything for you boys. Name it, you got it.
 Well, we need you to post bail for us. It's $ apiece.
 -No way! -Come on, coach.
 We need your help.
 Jail life is real tough. They're--
 They're sodomizing us in here.
 What?! They're corn-holing you?
 Oh, my God. That's horrible. Don't worry. I'll get you out.
 You got sodomized? Who? I want to meet him.
 What is that?
 Sounds kind of like my truck.
 Come on, boys. Let's go.
 Get the lead out, boys! Hut, hut!
 Come on, move it!
 You're free. Now, where to, boys?
 Go left.
 Charge!
 Sandy Perkus...
 ...do you vow to lead a life of poverty...
 ...chastity, obedience...
 ...and silence?
 Wait!
 Sorry.
 Look, you can't do this.
 -You love Darren, right? -Well, yeah.
 -Well, Darren loves you. -Really?
 Darren's her boyfriend, but he has this other girlfriend...
 -...and he's getting-- -So, what are you gonna do?
 Go, my child.
 -Okay. -Come on.
 We've got a wedding to crash!
 Go. Go. Go.
 Bye, everybody!
 Damn. Lost another one.
 Son of a bitch.
 I can't believe I'm doing this.
 Oh, here. We got you some clothes.
 Where did you get these?
 J.D.'s sister.
 -She's a stripper. -And a hooker.
 Go! Gotta go!
 Oh, my gosh!
 Neil Diamond!
 What the hell is going on?
 Neil, let me explain.
 You're the guys who send me all those letters and tapes. Naked pictures.
 What? We never sent you any naked pictures.
 -Dude. -Sorry.
 Mr. Diamond, you gotta help us save our buddy.
 He's marrying the wrong woman.
 Sandy and Darren, they broke up.
 Love on the rocks. Ain't no big surprise.
 -Help us get them back together. -I don't know.
 Turn on your heart light. Judith brainwashed him.
 For years, Darren loved me, but I never knew it.
 Hold it. Hold it!
 -Hold on. -And did I mention I was gay?
 I've spent my life writing songs about the power of love...
 ...but up until right now, they've only been words.
 This may be my chance to prove that those words really mean something.
 -You say that if Darren marries... -Judith.
 -...Judith, he'll be miserable. -Right.
 I believe in happy endings. If Neil Diamond has anything to do with it...
 ...this love story will have one.
 Come on! Yeah!
 We got Neil Diamond onboard! All right!
 -Where we going? -The park on America Avenue.
 - - ! -What?
 Cops. Caprice.
 Five cars back. Goddamn heat.
 One little prison break, and they're all over you.
 Whoa, coach.
 No matter what happens, don't look back.
 Just get this sweet gal to the man who loves her.
 I'd rather be cut down in a hail of gunfire than to go back to jail.
 Nice meeting you, Mr. Diamond.
 Coach, look out!
 They're not cops!
 Hey, we're coming to America.
 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join Darren Silverman...
 ...and Judith Fessbeggler in holy matrimony.
 If anyone has any objections, speak now.
 I do.
 -What? -Neil?
 -Neil! -Neil.
 Get to the part where we say, "I do."
 Oh, my!
 -Say, "I do." -No.
 Say, "I do."
 I can't. Because I...
 ...I love Neil...
 ...and I love Sandy.
 You're in love with this slut?
 I am not a slut.
 Sandy is my one and only someone.
 What about me?
 Who's my someone?
 You ruined my life!
 But I saved Darren's!
 Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough...
 ...to hook up with you!
 Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me, you liked it?
 You're right. I have a weakness for incompetent morons.
 Admit it!
 I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need...
 ...and you're the hard-core bitch that I've always dreamed of.
 What about you?
 -When are you gonna get hitched? -Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.
 Me too.
 Really?
 By the power vested in me by the state of Washington...
 ...I now pronounce you man and wife.
 You may kiss the bride.
 I now pronounce you man and wife.
 You may kiss the bride.
 I now pronounce you man and man.
 You may kiss the man.
 Come on, we need you for this one.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts