Overcrowded

"Overcrowded" is the sixth and final episode of SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD and considered a TV movie due to its length, allowing it to win Movie of the Year at the 11th Square Logo Awards. Written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, AllisonLoaded, PrimitiveSponge129 and Cheese Sauce Fan 2007, the episode was first aired on January 1, 2023 on Tealevision.
===Synopsis===
A deity shuts down all of the elevators in bloons, which causes chaos in the SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD production room. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is involved in an injury, Adam suffers from writer's block and , Peter Griffin and CrazySponge are stuck in a broken elevator.
===Transcript===
[The episode starts backstage at a theatre. The hubbub of people leaving is heard as Adam Walker sits down behind the curtains on the floor. The set is mostly destroyed, with dilapidated buildings, ongoing fires and a generally smoky atmosphere, with police siren sound effects still blaring in the distance. Adam chugs a cup of “water” before crushing the plastic cup on his head and sighing in relief.]
Adam: A play that can truly never be replicated. After all, the cast all risked their lives to play a part. Don’t you love the smell of blood after a good show, Marie? Marie?
[Silence.]
Adam: Oh, yeah, I forgot. She died. 
[Cut to a black and white titlecard that says “SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD - OVERCROWDED”, before fading to black and returning to a scene that shows Adam Walker, still in his theatre suit, walking briskly towards an elevator in a bizarrely abandoned office building within bloons. He gets close enough to an elevator for the automatic doors to open before a red tint covers the screen and an alarm blares. A caption appears on the bottom of the screen that reads: “Warning! Flashing Lights”, before disappearing as Adam, surprisingly unphased, questions the lights.]
Adam: Huh? Well, you can never trust bloons to be maintained, especially since their mayor is… uh… where is Mayor Renaud?
[Cut to a hospital where the nurses are frantically trying to place the remains of Mr. Renaud back together, but as they place his brain back in his sore head, it starts to bloat. They squeeze to keep it in but the blood spurts out like a tornado from the top of his balding head. We cut back to Adam.]
Adam: Anyway, what’s new in bloons, ey? At least the elevator’s open already.
[Adam steps cautiously into the elevator but can barely get his briefcase in with him before it slams shut. No longer are the red lights surrounding him but the elevator refuses to move. Adam, in panic, presses every floor button to no avail. After wiping off his sweat, he resigns his fear and sits down in the corner, seemingly accepting his fate. The intro to “” plays as Adam sighs, before opening his briefcase, taking out his laptop and opening a Foogle document.]
Adam: This gives me an idea.
[The screen fades to a time prior to these events, with Jew Wario, clearly exhausted from jet lag, entering a synagogue in bloons. The synagogue seems familiar - as does the rabbi in front accepting donations and providing kippahs to those without who attend. There is a long queue but eventually the rabbi, a bloated man with blue skin, gazes upon Jew Wario. He looks him up and down and shakes his head.]
Rabbi Scott Mama: I request that you leave this synagogue.
Jew Wario: W-what?! Why ain’t I allowed in a synagogue, m’Jew? It’s in my name! I’m not Orthodox Bowser!
Scott: Your actions towards the government of bloons, great friends of ours who have funded our place of worship through the years, even in times of need, do not display any of the teachings of the Jewish faith.
Jew Wario: You’re funded by kid-fiddlers, ya phony!
Scott: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Your scheme of manipulation isolates you from the vast majority of Jews, who wish to be part of a loving, caring and equal society. You and your friend Sex Edward…
[Jew Wario scoffs at the idea of being friends with Sex Edward.]
Scott: …have led to the utter devastation we face in bloons today, and your presence in this place of worship is by no means necessary.
[Fade from black to the interior of a house, with the lights off, obscuring most of the home except the fireplace and the mantelpiece surrounding it. An alarm clock rings and we hear a faint yell from upstairs. Cut to Dennis smashing his face into the pillow three times. His eyes are bloodshot and surrounded by large, purple bags. Zoom out to the bed that Dennis is lying in, in an incredibly uncomfortable position, which is mostly black due to burnt patches all over the mattress. He is fully-clothed, including his belt, jacket and obnoxiously large cowboy hat. Dennis turns to his side and picks up a half-empty keg of beer, with its label replaced with a post-it note saying “KELP JUICE”, before taking a swig.]
Dennis: Gah! I didn't sleep a wink last night. [voiceover] That’s me, Dennis, the greatest man who ever lived - and here’s my daily routine. First, I wake up and brush my teeth with Coral B toothpaste.
[A very cool flame transition plays, revealing a contrastingly boring bathroom.]
Dennis: I like to brush until I bleed. That's how you know they're clean.
[He rigorously brushes his crooked, black teeth whilst plays, with chainsaw sounds added for effect.]
Dennis: All done!
[Close-up of his seven stumps of teeth, scattered around his mouth. One cracks and falls out of his mouth onto the floor.]
Dennis: 9/10 dentists recommend Coral B toothpaste. I’m the tenth.
[Silence for a couple seconds. Dennis then gags before another epic flame transition takes us to Dennis walking around his living room, which is decorated in gothic and ‘biker’ iconography.]
Dennis: After that, I have some deliciously home-cooked breakfast.
[He walks to the kitchen, also contrastingly boring, and opens a fridge, before taking out a tin of beans.]
Dennis: I like beans on toast myself. Human beans, that is.
[Close up on the can. It reads: “GREEN BEANS, MADE FROM HUMANS, BY HUMANS”. Cut to Dennis using one hand to pour cat food into a bowl and the other to check his phone, covered in gothic decals.]
Dennis: After breakfast, I usually like to feed my pets Tony and Stanley. Come on, guys, let’s get you on the camera.
[Dennis picks up the camera (hence, the screen goes black for a second) and moves it to show an adorable image of a cat and dog playing in a field of daisies.]
Dennis: Oops, my bad.
[He re-focuses the camera and zooms out to a bloodstained cage inhabited by a grey wolf which is bruised and has its fur mostly shaved off, with the exception of its tail, as well as a white tiger chained to the bars at the back of the cage, dribbling blood.]
Dennis: Aren’t they adorable? Oh, just lovely. I don’t know how I could survive without them.
[Stanley the wolf takes a leap at the camera and it quickly cuts back to Dennis, sitting on his sofa in the living room. The sofa is half covered in spikes and half on fire.]
Dennis: Before my morning shower, I like to turn on the television and watch a bit of the morning news. 
[Muffled audio is heard from the television, as well as a slicing sound. Dennis chuckles to himself.]
Dennis: God, I love it when the reporters get beheaded live on air. 
[He takes a drag from a Cuban cigar before a cut to Squidward sitting next to an unconscious SpongeBob at a hospital.]
Squidward: If it helps, Dennis probably cries into his cereal every morning.
[We cut back to Dennis chugging the milk out of his cereal bowl whilst shirtless on a spinning chair, with Epic-sounding rock music playing in the background.]
Dennis: Woo!
[We cut back to the hospital. A nurse, with a heavy accent, enters the room.]
Nurse: [snarling] Pack up, cephalopod. You've been by this guy's bedside for three days straight.
Squidward: No! You don't understand!
Nurse: What don't I understand? You've been in the room too long, pal. Leave.
[Cut to Squidward in typical late night Bikini Bottom traffic. He's shaking at the wheel. We hear Squidward’s thoughts.]
Squidward: I just don't get it. SpongeBob's a saint, but he's the one in a coma. He was all smiles the day before the accident. I can just remember his stupid yellow face and his red, pulsating cheeks and his perfect, white teeth and his–
[Squidward yells and rests his head on the steering wheel. He looks up.]
Squidward: Oh, God, why SpongeBob? What did he do to you that I haven’t done tenfold?
[Squidward groans as the screen blurs into a flashback, wherein Squidward and SpongeBob are working in full employee uniform, in a renewed version of the Krusty Krab. They are holding suitcases full of baggage and are struggling to move up the puzzling staircase.]
SpongeBob: Don’t you just love working at the Krusty Towers, Squidwardiard? I think this was a great idea to expand the Krab this way!
Squidward: Oh, please! This is just another way to fill his pockets. He won’t even let us use the elevator!
[Squidward drops the suitcases and thinks to himself:]
Squidward: Say, he’s at that medieval war reenactment all day today. [speaking out loud] We could use the elevator in secret, right?
SpongeBob: Splendid idea, Squidward! Although, don’t you think we might get caught with the…
[We see a close-up of SpongeBob’s sleep deprived eyes as he dreads saying the next few words.]
SpongeBob: [hesitantly] …security cameras?
Squidward: Oh, don’t be ridiculous…
[Cut to Squidward and SpongeBob pressed up against the sides of a broken elevator with the mercenary Dennis on the other side pointing a gun at Squidward.]
Squidward: Oh, for the love of Neptune–
Dennis: Shut your mouth, f[dolphin chirp]. Use the stairs next time and maybe you won’t have to be locked in an elevator with Devilish Dennis.
SpongeBob: Squidward… I’m scared…
[SpongeBob’s legs are shivering, making a sound not unlike teeth chattering. Dennis fires a lone shot at the ground, and SpongeBob’s legs shoot in the air, holding Squidward, who is tall enough to cram his head onto the ceiling. Both SpongeBob and Squidward, dizzied by the crash, fall back onto the floor. Squidward quickly regains consciousness.]
Squidward: Listen, Dennis. You can hurt me but please don’t hurt my little buddy SpongeBob. I spend half the time wanting him dead but I think one person is enough. He hasn’t really done anything wrong.
Dennis: Okay, fine, octopussy. But I’ll be back. And you’ll have to… TRAIN… for our next encounter.
[Dennis, maniacally laughing, places the back of his elbows onto the elevator walls and merges with it, disintegrating his own body and leaving no trace.]
SpongeBob: I LOVE TRAINS! 
[SpongeBob lets out his signature laugh before the scene cuts to one of SpongeBob struggling in the hospital as Squidward, bags under his eyes, looks on depressingly, longing for the time that he wasted. He’s looking at a picture of SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward, the first two catching jellyfish in Jellyfish Fields whilst Squidward looks disgruntled. A tear is shed onto the corner of the photo, dampening its edges. We hear SpongeBob’s voice.]
SpongeBob: [voiceover] Squidward wasn’t really trying to hurt me, he was just trying to be a good friend, and I’m sure he knows that. He’s a smart squid after all. He’s probably at the Krusty Krab serving customers and delivering those juicy Krabby Patties as usual.
[SpongeBob’s words echo as the screen fades to Adam still in the elevator, now decorated with pieces of paper scribbled all over and stapled to the wall. Adam is barefoot - for no reason - and exhausted, but thoughts are still sprawling out of his mind.]
Adam: Hmm… who should be the three brilliant characters stuck in the morbillionth episode of… uh… shit, I haven’t even named it yet. Well, NAMES COME LATER! The characters come first! Hmm… I’ve already used all 70 variations of Mr. Krabs. Maybe my, uh, backwards cousin Aaron could be in an episode.
[We cut to a farm wherein Aaron Walker is sitting on a bench near a massive cow, wearing an oversized wedding ring on her neck. Aaron is playing a banjo and singing to the tune of “” by .]
Aaron: [singing] Today is gonna be the day where I’m gonna have sex with cows…
[The cow moos in disappointment.]
Aaron: What? You have a boyfriend now? I thought I was the only one for you, Jane.
[Jane shakes her head, and before Aaron can weep, a black bull comes heading for him.]
Aaron: Oh, that shit’s not bussin’, for real.
[The bull headbutts Aaron into the sky as Jane, easily wooed, walks up to the bull and nuzzles him. We can hear Aaron scream faintly in the sky.]
Aaron: At last I understand the consequences of my looove…
[He disappears with a twinkle. Cut to yet another elevator, wherein Mr. Krabs, Plankton and the Flying Dutchman reside. Krabs and Plankton are in musketeer uniform and are swordfighting, much to the Flying Dutchman’s dismay.]
Mr. Krabs: Enguarde, Monsieur Plankton!
The Flying Dutchman: Oh, come on! Where are the hoes? I’d been told there were hot chicks in this elevator! All I see are sweaty nerds who own fast food restaurants!
Krabs: God, I’ve never seen a hornier ghost.
Dutchman: Go suck a cumsock. 
[The Dutchman puts on a gold necklace and sunglasses as he smokes a cigarette, causing everyone in the elevator to cough profusely.]
Krabs: Come on, dude, this is a no-smoke elevator!
Dutchman: Your point, fucker?
Krabs: Why are you such a [dolphin chirp]?
Dutchman: I’m fucking dead. I can do whatever I like, yo.
Sheldon: Are you just gonna keep talking to this dead dude, or are you gonna keep swordfighting?
Krabs: This dead jackass started it.
Dutchman: You’re just jealous that since I am dead I can fuck your ugly-ass momma.
[The Dutchman takes a drag from his cigarette.]
Krabs: SHE IS NOT UGLY! I’LL KILL YOU!
Dutchman: Already dead, fucker. Thug life!
[Plankton points his sword towards his face below his mouth and weeps.]
Plankton: There has never been a better time to take my own life.
[Plankton stabs himself, and both Krabs and the Dutchman stop their argument, gasping in shock as their… “friend”(???) lies dead on the floor.]
Krabs: I blame Kirkburn.
[Cut to a black screen with white text saying “WHOOPS” as a monotone narrator reads the following:]
Narrator: We here at the Bing Bong Corporation do not acknowledge or approve of these views and opinions provided by the cast and crew of SBFW: THREE’S A CROWD. In fact, here at the Bing Bong Corporation, we LOVE the staff of the FANDOM website. If we had just one minute in a broken elevator with Mister Woodhouse, we’d put his–
[Cut to a white screen with black text saying “WHOOPS” as a monotone female narrator reads the following:]
Narrator 2: I did not have sexual intercourse with that man, Mister Woodhouse. 
Dutchman: [offscreen] “Woodhouse” sounds like the name for an erectile dysfunction.
[Krabs stammers in confusion, as the screen fades back to the elevator.]
Krabs: OUR FRIEND IS DEAD AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! I have half a mind to suck you up in this conveniently placed vacuum!
[Krabs picks up a vacuum from , who is for some reason now in the elevator. A caption appears on screen saying: “Three living people at all times.”]
Luigi: Mama-mia! I can no longer sexually satisfy my wife!
[Luigi shoots himself in the head suddenly as a laugh track plays.]
Producer: [offscreen] For fuck’s sake, just plop SpongeBob in.
[Murmuring is heard from offscreen in the production room.]
Producer: [offscreen] He’s in the hospital? God damn it. 
Krabs: Okay, I don’t know what we’re doing anymore.
Producer: [offscreen] Just restart the fucking episode.
[Static fills the screen before cutting back to the elevator as it was at the start of the episode, except Plankton is still lying dead on the floor.]
Krabs: Enguarde! 
[Krabs picks up Plankton with his sword which sticks to Plankton like a fork. Krabs contemplates for a good 20 seconds in intense thinking before deciding to eat Plankton’s corpse.]
Dutchman: Well, at least you didn’t… you know…
Krabs: Please. Me fucking corpses is trademarked to NKC. 
Dutchman: What does that even mean? I am a pirate from the 1600s, I hate gay people so damn much, and I have no idea what a trademark is.
[The Atomic Flounder suddenly appears.]
Atomic Flounder: That’s my schtick! [faces the camera] .
Krabs: Hey! My friend Locknloaded23 would be largely offended by that! Trans women are just as valid as cis women.
Atomic Flounder: Are you… the woke mob that has been telling me about?
Krabs: Possibly. Don’t make me get Locknloaded23 in here.
Atomic Flounder: What could that [dolphin chirp] possibly– 
“SUDDENLY ATOMIC FLOUNDER GETS A BONER SO HUGE HE EXPLODES!!!!”
Krabs: That.
Atomic Flounder: [weakly, with his last breaths] 41%! Look it up!
[He dies.]
Dutchman: I haven’t seen a boner that big since… well… you know…
Krabs: I DO NOT FUCK CORPSES! That is my NKC equivalent, and in the Bigfoot Cinematic Universe, I have no relation to that necrophiliac. 
[An identical character to Mr. Krabs walks in the elevator but with an NKC logo on his chest.]
NKC Krabs: Yo, what’s up, fuckers? 
Krabs: What the fuck?
[A similarly NKC-branded Squidward walks in.]
NKC Squidward: STOP THE STEAL! KRILLANON OR SOMETHING! 
Dutchman: I wish Jesus Sandal were here right now to stop this nonsense.
Producer: [offscreen] Sorry, man, only three people in the elevator at a time. Also, we can’t really afford celebrity cameos.
Dutchman: Bro, there’s literally four people in here–
[The Flying Dutchman vanishes in a puff of smoke.]
NKC Squidward: STOP THE STEAL! 
NKC Krabs: Bruh, shut the fuck up. won the election fair and square.
Krabs: Who the fuck is Snoop Dogg?
NKC Krabs: In our universe, Snoop Dogg is President.
NKC Squidward: In our universe, Mr. Krabs has sex with deceased bodies.
NKC Krabs: Slander.
[He is literally fucking the dead body of Atomic Flounder as they speak, though it is pixellated.]
Krabs: BRO?!
NKC Squidward: Our universe is… Very fucked up. 
NKC Krabs: Yeah, Locknloaded23 is a fucking maniac. We literally have no free will.
Krabs: Wow. Sounds like 1984.
NKC Krabs: Please help us. We hate the reality we live in. Lock won’t let us be happy. She insists that I fuck corpses.
Krabs: You’re still using me image and me character to fuck corpses! I can’t help you when the good Krabby name is being ravished by necrophilia! You’ve got to stop!
NKC Krabs: It’s too hard…
NKC Squidward: We can tell.
Krabs: Look, we can get ye into rehab. It’ll all be okay, Krabs, I know it will.
Producer: [offscreen, yawning] BOOOOO-riiiing! I need different characters. Get Lock on the phone.
[All the characters fucking explode and are replaced with shitty, crudely-drawn doodles of SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward, cut out from paper and placed onto the elevator by a human hand, which comes in to move the characters whenevery they speak or perform an action.]
Cutout SpongeBob: DAHAHAHAHAHAHA JELLYFISHING 
Cutout Squidward: I AM SQUIDWARD SEX FUCK 
Cutout Patrick: No homo, we slippin’ on semen!
[A second hand comes in and rips the Patrick cut-out in half.]
Cutout SpongeBob: Oh no! Patrick is dead!
Cutout Squidward: RIP bozo. Tesla Elon Musk .
Producer: [offscreen] I don’t like this either. Start over.
[The cut-out characters fucking explode as they are replaced by Squilliam, Gary, and for some reason, ’s father.]
Timmy’s Father: Dinkleberg…
Squilliam: Jazz music.
[Squilliam sticks a clarinet in his ass, to the dismay of Gary, who meows in disgust.]
Producer: [offscreen] No no, this sucks too. Another do-over.
[The characters fucking explode as they are replaced with claymation sculptures of Mr. Renaud, Sex Edward and Jew Wario.]
Clay Mr. Renaud: I was told this elevator led to the nearest elementary school.
Clay Jew Wario: How’s it goin’, m’lord? Still stalking the 11-year-olds?
Clay Mr. Renaud: Oh, you know it! My second-in-command Sex Edward is even helping with my missi– WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SEX EDWARD?
[The hand from earlier is bashing the Clay Sex Edward and picking up clay pieces from his body, throwing them into the elevator.]
Producer: [offscreen] I HATE THIS ONE! ONE MORE TIME! And we’re sticking with this one.
[The characters fucking explode as they are replaced with , and .]
Saul Goodman: !
[Cut to the producer’s room.]
Producer: Wait, what? How did we get characters? I’ve never even watched this show!
Walter White: [offscreen] Jesse, we need to make meth.
Jesse Pinkman: [offscreen] Yo, bitch!
Saul Goodman: [offscreen, echoing] Better Call Saul!
Producer: Okay, I need to call Lock and ask what the hell she is doing.
Intern: Don’t worry, boss. I got it all under control. 
[Another intern picks up the phone.]
Intern 2: She’s smoking a big fat BLUNT?! I thought she was the one messing with the programme! She’s where? She’s not even in the credits?! 
Producer: Who is behind all of this then? If it’s not Lock, it must be…
[A light shines above the ceiling as it explodes, leaving only a shining heavenly light in place of a roof. The producer takes his sunglasses off and looks directly at it.]
Producer: Oh… my… God.
Holy Voice: Don’t use His name in vain.
[A hand comes down and slaps the producer to the ground.]
Holy Voice: It is I, Jesus Sandal, who has been messing with your vapid TV show.
Producer: But WHY?!
Holy Voice: It beats jacking off to porn.
[The entire room looks up, astonished and in complete silence, speechless at what they just heard.] 
Holy Voice: You heard me.
[The silence continues.]
Holy Voice: Okay, fine. It was porn.
[The entire room now understands, saying “Oh” simultaneously.]
Producer: That’s fine, then. So, Mr. Sandal, why must you ruin reality television? THREE’S A CROWD is such an important institution, and it hurts me to see it be mishandled… broken… DESTROYED in how you have done this past hour.
Holy Voice: I was bored, and wanted to ruin it before Lock did. That bitch is going STRAIGHT to Hell.
Producer: But why’s that? She contributed so much to the arts!
Holy Voice: She ruined NKC, my former favorite show. Who the fuck looked at the show and went, “Krabs needs to be a necrophile”?
Intern 2: I dunno, Jesus, it sounded like a good idea to me. I personally enjoyed that episode. It was more realistic and gripping than your average crime drama.
Holy Voice: Okay, you are also going to Hell. Now I must be off, I gotta kill that bitch today before she infects my other favorite show, Leader Plankton! Remade.
[The characters awkwardly stare at each other, before another employee comes rushing in the door.]
Rocky Lobster: I’m so sorry, guys, see, my Tesla Cybertruck crashed and–why is Jesus here?
[Rocky Lobster is zapped with lightning, and the screen fades to black before opening back up at a separate producer room, this time for Leader Plankton! Remade.]
Intern: Boss, I just got intel from the 3AC PR V1. Apparently it’s an F3 JS FBI SCOTUS LGBT situation.
Squidnerd: Stop speaking in code.
Intern: THREE’S A CROWD has just had Jesus Sandal come in and ruin the show. They say it’s a way of preventing Locknloaded23 from ruining the show.
Locknloaded23: I would NEVER!
[Lock is holding a laptop that is open on a Google Doc that is titled “mermaid cock and barnacle balls”, but she quickly switches tabs.]
Lock: Okay, I would. But why is Jesus Sandal after me? What have I done wrong?
[She takes a drag from a big fat blunt.]
Intern: They reckon you’ve ruined NKC.
Lock: WHAT?! I MADE THAT SHOW WHAT IT IS TODAY!
The Terrible Travis: Yeah, garbage. 
Squidnerd: Of course a long-hair liberal wouldn’t understand the art of necrophilia.
[An alarming buzzer rings loudly in the producer’s room before Squidnerd presses a red button to stop it.]
Squidnerd: That’s the Golfpecks256 Productivity Alarm. We’re not getting enough done! We need to be 100% productive at all times, 24/7! Let’s get to writing!
[Squidnerd and Travis both put glasses on, place stacks of paper on their desk and pick up pens, but after a deep breath, the two sigh and drop the pen.]
Travis: Eh, I can’t be bothered.
Squidnerd: Yeah, fuck this. Let’s argue about politics instead.
Lock: BERNIE SHOULD HAVE WON!
[Travis shoots a 100 emoji out of the palm of his hand and directs it towards Lock, before lightning strikes once again, demolishing parts of the producer room and replacing it with a Heavenly light.]
Holy Voice: I am here to save your spin-off.
DanzxvFan8275: Oh, boy.
Holy Voice: Your series, Leader Plankton! Remade, is an ideal sculpture of a spin-off. It is the greatest piece of writing, the best since Moby Dick, and deserves to be preserved in its original form for centuries. Lock will do her best to prevent this. She is a villain.
JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway: [under its breath] And you are a senator.
Holy Voice: DO NOT QUOTE SHAKESPEARE AT ME!
[Jesus Sandal shoots lightning towards Dingus, shattering it into pieces.]
Holy Voice: You have no idea how much strife this cretin has put me through. I had to stop ALL the elevators in the world for this wonderful grand finale to THREE’S A CROWD! The production team was working non-stop to ensure that this was going to be the magnum opus of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki! Yet not even Jesus is prepared for the maleficent vision of one Locknloaded23. She must be stopped!
[We zoom out to reveal that not only is no one in the producer room anymore, but that the room is in the middle of the cosmos, and we can now see Jesus Sandal’s face for the first time.]
Jesus Sandal: …I’m all-knowing, how the fuck didn’t I see that?
[Cut to Adam in an elevator. He has several buckets full of piss and shit surrounding him as he sits, unshaven, against the wall, on a call with the THREE’S A CROWD production team.]
Adam: So, let me get this straight: you took my idea, and used it for your show, but instead of - I don’t know - maybe just making prop elevators or at least outsourcing elevators, you made sure every single elevator in all of bloons broke down at the same time?
Producer: Well, of course. It’s reality TV - you’ve gotta make it as real as possible.
[An unpaid intern presses his glasses to his face and turns his finger at the Zoom call.]
Intern: Well, actually, we couldn’t do them all at the same time. It took around an hour to successfully convert all elevators in bloons to lockdown mode.
[A second intern, with her head on the table and three separate cups of coffee next to her, tips one of the boiling cups over her fellow intern’s lap… he burns to ashes.]
Adam: You couldn’t at least have given me royalties?! Or the resources to get the Hell out of here?! I have been shitting in a bucket for months!
Producer: That sounds like a skill issue to me, sir. Regardless, you could have collected your profits at any time. We have you credited as consulting producer for every episode.
Adam: I HAVE BEEN LOCKED IN AN ELEVATOR FOR MONTHS ON END! YOU TELL ME HOW I ACCESS ANY OF THOSE FUNDS, YOU [continuous dolphin chirp]!
[The dolphin chirping continues as the producer turns the Zoom call off and turns to his team.]
Producer: Welp, this may be our final days, lads. 
[He pops open a bottle of champagne.]
Producer: We’re creatively bankrupt, our interns hate each other, and divine intervention is coming to spread our legs wide open and throw a spike up our asses. We may as well enjoy our last days, right? I’ll tell my buddies, we can have a little going-home party.
[The producer sends a short text to an unknown person and within seconds, a man enters the door. The female members of the team hide under the tables and the men all stand up to salute. The figure appears at the door.]
Ken Stringfellow: I’m here, everypony. Now let’s reveal some love, shall we?
[We cut to SpongeBob in the hospital. Squidward, Sandy Cheeks and Patrick are sitting at his bedside as he is connected to a life support monitor. His heartbeat is getting to dangerously low paces. Patrick is sobbing in Sandy’s lap as she softly embraces his starfish head. Squidward, meanwhile, is separated from the two and trying not to show any emotion. Suddenly, the beeping that has soundtracked the tragic scene comes to a halt, and is replaced by a constant tone. There is a moment of silence as Squidward gulps. Mr. Krabs and the Flying Dutchman enter the room.]
Krabs: SHIVER ME TIMBERS! SPONGEBOB IS DEAD!
Dutchman: Well, it was bound to happen. I charge $30 a minute for funeral services, y’all.
[He lights a cigarette, yet his offer falls on deaf ears. All four of SpongeBob’s dear friends stare at SpongeBob, in complete astonishment.]
Squidward: It… it can’t be…
[Squidward stands up and tries to shake SpongeBob.]
Squidward: Come on, buddy! You’d get through this! You’d be fine! Come on, SpongeBob… F– F is for– friends who do stuff together. U is for… [between sobs] for you and me.
Squidward, Krabs, Patrick and Sandy: N is for anywhere and anytime at all… 
All: [in unison] Down here in the deep blue sea…
[Bubble transition to Adam, still disgruntled, in the elevator, and on the phone.]
Adam: Come on, Jew Wario, you gotta help me, man. I feel like after left. What do you mean, you never listened to Genesis? Oh, you like Phil Collins’ solo work? I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, listen, I gotta get some help. You need to bust me out of this elevator.
[We see a split screen between Adam in the elevator and Jew Wario on the streets of bloons.]
Jew Wario: Man, I can’t get ya out! I knows I owes ya some money for all the help in getting my evil schemes to work, but it’s not like any good came out of it! They don’t even let me in the Goddamn synagogue, m’writer! I’m fed up with this world! Everybody’s betrayed me!
Adam: You’re onto something, actually, Mr. Jewish. So you’re telling me that your life is a living Hell?
Jew Wario: Yes, sir.
Adam: And that you think it would be better if you were never alive in the first place?
Jew Wario: Absolutely.
Adam: Fascinating. Thanks for the help, Jew Wario!
Jew Wario: Ay, hold on, what’d I do–
[Adam hangs up and we return to the full screen of Adam in the elevator. He picks his glasses up off the floor, dusts them off with a tissue and puts them on, before picking up some blank paper, sighing to himself, and taking a pen out of his pocket.]
Adam: Welp, I’ve killed before. 
[We hear SpongeBob’s signature laugh in the background.]
Adam: I still hear the voices.
[He starts writing before we zoom out to see that his elevator is also in the middle of the cosmos. Jesus Sandal arrives outside and shouts to Adam.]
Jesus Sandal: Hello? Are you Locknloaded23?
Adam: [startled] N-no, I’m Adam Walker. What do you want… Jesus?
Jesus Sandal: Well, I’m looking for that bitch so I can kill her and prevent her from ruining any spin-offs.
[Adam takes a long hard look at the piece of paper he is writing on and sighs again.]
Adam: I CAN help you but… three’s a crowd, isn’t it?
[An obnoxious laugh track plays, drowning out an entire speech from Jesus Sandal that we can’t hear over the canned giggling. Adam looks to the camera, smirking.]
Jesus Sandal: Oh, I give up!
[The laughter stops and Jesus Sandal flies to another elevator in the cosmos.]
Adam: Ah, the power of comedy. Now where was I?
[He continues writing as we cut to the party in the THREE’S A CROWD production room. “Wishing I Were Home” by plays amidst the fun, with several of the unpaid interns drinking wine, dancing with their significant others, or simply chatting. A group of bouncers are dragging Ken Stringfellow and his friend out of the room.]
Jon Auer: Hey, I did nothing wrong! It’s all Ken’s fault!
Ken Stringfellow: Don’t pin this on me, dear Jonathan. You were the one who introduced her to me.
Bouncer: Hey, creeps. I hope you two understand the consequences of your love in Hell.
[The bouncer kicks the two into the cosmos.]
Ken Stringfellow: [offscreen] There’s so much paaaiiin…
[We hear a twinkle as they presumably die. The crew continues partying before something shakes the entire room, stopping the music - as well as the entire crew in their tracks. Murmurs start.]
Producer: What’s going on?
[We zoom out to reveal Jesus Sandal below the room.]
Jesus Sandal: YOU MUST BE HIDING HER! SHE MUST BE HERE!
Intern: For the last time, Jesus, we don’t know where Lock is.
Jesus Sandal: Oh, for my sake, you’re all useless. 
[Jesus Sandal encapsulates the entire room in an electric field and makes the corners close in on the room, causing it to explode.]
Jesus Sandal: I’ve got to take matters into my own holy hands.
[Jesus Sandal yells from across the cosmos.]
Jesus Sandal: MR. WALKER!
Adam: [offscreen] Yes, my Lord?
Jesus Sandal: Pen, please!
[A pen travels magnetically into Jesus Sandal’s hand, and he puts to a piece of a paper which he seemingly manifested out of nowhere. We then fade into a shittily-made episode of THREE’S A CROWD, which starts with a white piece of paper with black marker pen that says “3 is a Crowd FR (by me, Jesus)”, before unveiling who is in the elevator that week. The elevator, obviously a badly glued-together set piece, is home to , and CrazySponge - whose bruised head is covered by a Box Productions-branded bandage.]
Peter Griffin: [signature chuckle] We’re really reusing characters, now? Friggin’ sweet, Scooby.
[Scooby-Doo stoically smokes a cigar in the corner.]
Scooby-Doo: I want rothing to roo with ris.
Peter Griffin: Lighten up, Scooby! You’re starting to remind me of .
[Cutaway gag; we see the Griffins' house, where Brian is pissing on the floor.]
Peter Griffin: It’s funny because he’s a dog.
Brian: I am pissing on the floor as I am a dog.
[Jesus Sandal rewinds and cuts back to the elevator scene, as if the cutaway gag never happened.]
Peter Griffin: Lighten up, Scooby! You’re starting to remind me of Brian.
CrazySponge: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I was stuck in a broken elevator with two people I didn’t know, I’d have two nickels. That, admittedly, is not a lot, but it sure is peculiar that it happened twice.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, !
CrazySponge: That’s a hot name.
Scooby-Doo: Ruh roh…
[An obnoxious laugh track plays.]
Peter Griffin: Well, um… I guess we’re gonna be here a while. Anyone got any ideas on what we could do?
Scooby-Doo: Rate on riberals, ror real!
CrazySponge: Amen.
Peter Griffin: So what’s with those snowflakes on , am I right? “Respect my pronouns”? What do you think I am, an English teacher? [signature chuckle]
[Radio silence as not even Jesus Sandal finds this funny.]
Peter Griffin: Sorry… I’m not too good with this far-right stuff. But see there was this other guy I was trapped in this one time, and he was as far-right as they come!
Scooby-Doo: Rullshit! Robody is ras ronservative as re!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, wise guy? Prove it!
[Divine intervention.]
Jesus Sandal: NOPE! NO! We stop there! We can’t get cancelled on Twitter dot com!
CrazySponge: Oh, hi God. I don’t believe in you.
[Scooby-Doo brings out a magnifying glass.]
Scooby-Doo: Sorry, I was just rooking for who the ruck asked.
Peter Griffin: [signature chuckle] Yeah, screw you, CrazySponge! And Praise Jesus!
Scooby-Doo and Jesus Sandal: Amen.
CrazySponge: …What? You’re telling me you’re all Jesus freaks?
Scooby-Doo: Ri’m actually rore of a Rudaist rif I rust say so ryself.
CrazySponge: Can he speak English? Are you gonna add subtitles in post or something? I can’t understand a word this guy says.
Scooby-Doo: Ruh roh, racism!
Jesus Sandal: Listen, guys. We need to work together on this! If we want to revive THREE’S A CROWD, we need to collaborate.
Peter Griffin: Alright, wise guy, if you’re so magical then can’t you just open this elevator? The broken elevator crap was funny the first time or so, but I need a little bit of fresh air in my life, y’know?
Scooby-Doo: Resh air? Rhere’s ricrochips in rhe air rolecules! planted rhem there, for real.
Jesus Sandal: …Okay, first off: where did you come from? I hired , and I got his dog. Can’t you, like, sit down and do a trick or something like a normal dog?
Scooby-Doo: Rill rourrelf. 
Jesus Sandal: Secondly, Peter. We’re not even in a broken elevator.
[We zoom out to see that the elevator set is a crudely-constructed wooden set in the middle of the cosmos.]
Peter Griffin: Well so much for the fresh air.
Jesus Sandal: And thirdly, CrazySponge, I had to get my hitmen to pump you full of lead for you to even come here. I at least expect a little bit of decency towards your co-stars and the crew.
CrazySponge: WHAT CREW? You have fatass, Jesus and a dog! 
Scooby-Doo: [clears throat] A ralking dog, I’ll rave you know. 
CrazySponge: Yeah, with a speech impediment.
Scooby-Doo: Rableist.
CrazySponge: Fuck it, I’m rableist! I hate rables! Rables are inferior to me.
[Outside of the set, a group of blue creatures called rables are eavesdropping.]
Rable 1: Can you believe he just said that?
Rable 2: Just because we’re not human does not make us any less human! I think we need to give him a piece of our mind.
Rable 3: RUH ROH!
[We cut back to the set, wherein Jesus Sandal is taking a phone call.]
Jesus Sandal: Yello? [pause] Yes, I have the racist dog. You want him back? We’ve only had five minutes of filming! [mockingly] “Oh, we have mysteries to solve!” Get fucked, !
[Jesus Sandal hangs up and turns around to his set, before realising that everyone had vanished.]
Jesus Sandal: Now where the fuck did those sla– actors go?
[Cut to the same desert where CrazySponge was back in “A-Level Politics” (episode of the year fr) where the three are walking, deprived of food and water. We can tell because not only are they sweating, with CrazySponge even turning purple, but there is a massive subtitle that reads “PRODUCER’S NOTE: THEY ARE DEPRIVED OF FOOD AND WATER”.]
Peter Griffin: [hoarsely] Man, I sure am deprived of food and water.
Scooby-Doo: Rooby Rooby Roo…
CrazySponge: Great, the dog’s speaking in tongues again.
[The three pause as CrazySponge starts to slap Scooby in the face to wake him up. As CrazySponge does this, a looming terror starts to shadow him.]
Peter Griffin: Uh… Mr. Sponge… I think someone wants to talk to you.
[CrazySponge turns around and faces a massive blue creature not unlike an anteater. It’s the rable.]
Scooby-Doo: Row you've done it! Rood thing I racked my "ranti-Rable runderwear".
[Scooby-Doo inexplicably manifests a pair of underwear and places it over CrazySponge’s head.]
Peter Griffin: Oh, thanks, Brian, now we’re all safe!
[Scooby turns around furiously and stares intently and Peter.]
Scooby-Doo: Ri’m. Rot. Rian.
[Scooby pounces at Peter and the two engage in a comedic dust-cloud fight whilst the rable picks CrazySponge up in its hoof.]
CrazySponge: Well, hello there. Would you like to work for Box Productions Inc.?
[The rable opens its wide, gaping mouth and tries to swallow CrazySponge, but just before he ends up in the rable’s mouth, divine intervention occurs.]
Jesus Sandal: [swooping in] It is I, Jesus Sandal! Here to save you all from scandal! Now for the rest of time, we shall all speak in rhythm and rhyme!
[Jesus Sandal sprinkles magic fairy dust on the rable, making it sneeze, blowing CrazySponge out of its hand and breezing him into the comical dust fight, breaking it up.]
CrazySponge: Jiminy crickets! Jesus Sandal, you saved me too? Even though I didn't believe in you?
Jesus Sandal: Oh, CrazySponge, I’d do many a favour for someone who gives me unpaid labour!
Scooby-Doo: Raybe the Rible rells the ruth, Jesus Sandal roves us too!
Peter Griffin: Can we all stop talking like ?
[There is a pause.]
Peter Griffin: …Oh, right, a rhyme. Uh, [dolphin chirp].
[CrazySponge, Scooby-Doo, Jesus Sandal and the rable all start to complain at the same time.]
CrazySponge: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa…
Jesus Sandal: That’s too far even for me…
Rable 3: What the hell is wrong with you, man?
Scooby-Doo: Ri ron’t know, he’s rot a point.
[CrazySponge, Jesus Sandal and the rable stare at Scooby-Doo and Peter, who then stare at each other. After some awkward pauses, the two start making out intensely.]
Jesus Sandal: I don’t like this, not one bit! I didn’t put this in the script!
CrazySponge: I thought the dog was Jewish, how does he agree with Peter?
Jesus Sandal: I think he’s a Buddhist, actually. 
[Once again, the episode rewinds to the elevator scene wherein Scooby states his religion, yet him saying that he’s Jewish is replaced with an unfitting text to speech voice that says otherwise.]
Scooby-Doo: Ri’m actually rore of a [FOLLOWER OF THE BUDDHIST FAITH] rif I rust say so ryself.
Jesus Sandal: My script is being pissed, shat and stepped on! I did not order this devilish retcon! Who could it be that’s messing with my script? [pause] Oh, I think I know… and I hate that bitch.
[Zoom out to the cosmos, wherein Locknloaded23 is standing on the elevator smoking a big fat blunt.]
Locknloaded23: ‘Sup?
[A record scratch is heard. CrazySponge is heard off-screen.]
CrazySponge: Woah, woah, hold the damn phone. Aren't there three of them? Laffy, Ally, and Yvonne?
Locknloaded23: Dead. Killed ‘em all. Epic fail on their part. Isn’t that right, Laffy?
Laffy: Yup!
Ally: Sure is!
Yvonne: Absolutely. 
[An obnoxious laugh track plays and Jesus Sandal, who is suddenly animated really stiffly, has his eyes pop out of his head in shock. A vintage music cue plays.]
Jesus Sandal: Why, I oughta–
[Jesus Sandal starts chasing the four versions of Lock across the cosmos as Scooby-Doo chase music plays, however the same animation of Jesus Sandal flying after the four Locks is reused constantly until the film starts to deteriorate. A test card then shows up on screen.]
BBC Announcer: SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD is experiencing some technical difficulties. We will be back after these messages.
[An advertisement starring starts playing.]
Ray William Johnson: What’s happenin’, forum?
[We zoom out to the elevator that Adam has been in the whole episode, where Jesus Sandal is showing him the episode on a TV. The advert continues in the background but can barely be heard.]
Jesus Sandal: So, what do we think, huh? Pretty good, right?
Adam: [nervously laughs] Yeah, sure. Listen, I think with a couple minutes, I could make this a really good episode. I’m talking Square Logo Award winner.
Jesus Sandal: …Is it not good enough?
Adam: No, no, it’s good, it just needs a little tweaking. Give me that.
[Adam snatches the script off of Jesus Sandal, opens his pen and starts writing. He writes only a couple sentences before putting the pen down.]
Adam: Your main problem is that this script was written by a and a cat.
Jesus Sandal: Oh, ho, ho, no! Patented Jesus Sandal script! Old family literature.
Adam: And you call this literature despite the fact that it’s obviously a storyboard?
Jesus Sandal: [stammering] Excuse me for one second.
[Jesus Sandal reaches for his pockets, finds a fucking shotgun and flies out into the cosmos with the trigger aimed at his head. We hear a gunshot offscreen.]
Adam: Welp, with him gone, I guess I can make this actually tolerable. Or, you know, I could just write another installment in the Christmas vore trilogy.
[Adam contemplates for a second before once again putting pen to paper. He writes, once again, a single sentence, and puts the pen down.]
Adam: Stroke of genius, Adam! You’re really the best there is.
[We then cut abruptly to the city of in a state of disaster. is on the prowl, surrounded by the destruction he has wrought onto the city. Families are crying as they are separated by rifts in the ground created by Bigfoot’s big feet causing shockwaves to pummel through cement. Police and fire rescue teams have already given up, as we see emergency response teams chilling on a roof eating burgers before Bigfoot smashes his fist into said roof, killing them all. Inside of a tower that has not yet been trampled by Bigfoot is Jew Wario, chuckling to himself as he observes the chaos that is unfurling.]
Jew Wario: All going exactly to plan. Delightfully devilish, Jew Wario.
[He strays his eyes away for only a second to check his watch before his glare once again hits the tower’s window. Shocked, he takes a step back as what had been his window to the world is replaced with a black void.]
Jew Wario: Wha–...? What’s happening?
[A face, details obscured by the void, but glaring with its light grey sparkle just enough to allow some light into the tower. The face is laser-focused on Jew Wario, who is still dismissive and hesitant.]
Jew Wario: Ph–... Phil Collins? Since when did you become a God? 
[Jew Wario smirks, but Collins starts singing, his echoed voice coating the walls of the tower with a melodious sneer, eerie enough to send Jew Wario to the floor in astonishment.]
Phil Collins: Well, if you told me you were drowning… I would not lend a hand.
[Jew Wario starts panting slightly, itching his ear nervously.]
Phil Collins: I’ve seen your face before, my friend, but I don’t know if you know who I am…
[Jew Wario continues to back up before an invisible hand picks him up by the shirt collar, pushing his hat off his head.]
Phil Collins: Well, I was there and I saw what you did. I saw it with my own two eyes… So you can wipe off that grin! I know where you’ve been! It’s all been a pack of lies!
[As Collins yells that line, smoke arises from the bottom of the tower and thunder can be crackling faintly in the distance. Jew Wario, sweating profusely, starts harmonising with Collins in between gasped breaths.]
Phil Collins and Jew Wario: And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh, Lord… Well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh, Lord… I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh, Lord… And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh, Lord, oh, Lord…
[Thunder strikes the loudest so far, creating a menacing cacophony of Jew Wario’s breaths, the dwindling robotic percussion and distorted guitar squeals, as the formerly monochrome scene has some life breathed into it by a sudden strike of lightning corresponding with the next line, sang through a vocoder.]
Phil Collins: Well, I REMEMBER!
[As this is sung, the invisible hand lets go of Jew Wario, thrusting him to the floor as a flash of pink, staticy lights obscures our view of the scene, making it even less clear what the hell is happening to Jew Wario. The stunned Jew Wario scratches his head as Collins continues to sing ominously, striking fear into Jew Wario.]
Phil Collins: I remember, don’t worry! How could I ever forget?
[The face nears closer, the details becoming even less clear thanks to the sharp glare.]
Phil Collins: It’s the first time, the last time we ever met… 
Jew Wario: Please… don’t hurt me, Phil Collins.
[Jew Wario crawls backwards into the corner but it doesn’t prevent the now glitched face from continuing his psychological torture out in song.]
Phil Collins: But I know the reason why you keep your silence up… No, you don’t fool me! Well, the hurt doesn’t show, but the pain still grows. It’s no stranger to you and me!
[We see one last close-up of Jew Wario’s petrified face before the iconic drum fill plays amidst several different angles of the tower’s upper floor before there is an abrupt cut on the last drum hit to outside the tower, being demolished by Bigfoot with one fell swoop. The remains of Rio are in full display, with people evacuating, being blocked by police and emergency response teams attempting to spray down the burning buildings to no real avail, sending stray bullets in case of an attack or if it manages to hit Bigfoot, and people are screaming in their houses as they get picked up off of the ground by the rogue Bigfoot and smashed into other houses, leaving people dropping like fish into the bucket of violence resulting from Bigfoot’s rampage… yet you can’t hear any of it. “In the Air Tonight” continues to play over the silenced footage, proving more unsettling than all. We pan back to the upper floor of the tower, now demolished. Sitting in the rubble is a bruised Jew Wario, coughing up a mixture of shrapnel and blood. He sputters, barely able to remove himself from the brick that has covered his entire body from the torso down. His hands, wound stricken, with blood trickling from his fingernail, and tears, barely able to drip from his eye with all the pain, run down onto his cheek and into the muddy sludge that the former great city had been reduced to. He struggles to turn his head and watch as Bigfoot continues to run wreckage, but as soon as he is able to, a foot and a large pixellation appear in front of his face. Jew Wario sighs exasperatedly and looks up, as we cut to his perspective. Whilst mostly obscured, with every movement of his face a great pain, we are able to pick out a character from the vision. His orange face and massive, pixellated cock is the last thing we see.]
Phil Collins: Well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life! Oh, Lord!
[Conner Malarky.]
...
[The screen flashes to pure white, as the music stops. After a few brief moments of pure white, we fade into a dimmed room, with the only real light coming from a television screen, from which you can hear a faint political news report. On the sofa sits an individual in what appears to either be a fursuit or just animal pajamas. They are eating vanilla ice cream with massive purple bags under their eyes, gulping a spoon full before exclaiming:]
Jess: God, I FUCKING love !
[The story ends, but the cycle does not.]
Category:SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD
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