Wizard 49

Chapter 49
Last chapter! Wheee!
The Zany Wizard, Mindrapist, and bandit king enter the Garden of Life. Zedd, having finally managed to put one and one and one together, reluctantly scratches out “two” and writes in “three,” as he realizes that Rahl does, in fact, have all three magic boxes.
We see that Rahl has a “sacrificial altar” (of course it's sacrificial) with the three magic boxes set on it, beyond the sorcerer's sand. Zedd thinks about how helpless he is, and how bad everything is, and how if Kahlan's Sue-enhanced powers could mindrape Rahl, everything will be all better. Kahlan orders Zedd and Chase to stay behind and continues her Grim March of Doom towards Rahl.
Rahl appears alarmed by Kahlan's appearance, and draws the Sword of the Homicidal Hobo, which is white. Uh-oh! I sense hijinks! Zedd hurls a bolt of blue lightning at Rahl, putting all his strength into it, and it knocks the sword from Rahl's hands.
Kahlan touches Rahl and mindrapes him just as Zedd realizes that, gasp and shock, it's really Richard. On cue, the real Rahl comes out of his hiding place, along with Michael the Evil Liberal Traitor and two Nameless Guards. The enemy web vanishes, revealing Richard. 
Zedd and Chase are trapped by magic. Kahlan draws her knife and tries to stab herself, but Michael wrestles the knife away from her, then counter-intuitively holds it to her throat. \~/ Strangely, given that she was just trying to kill herself, Kahlan doesn't just cut her own throat. 
Richard, now suitably mindraped, promises to do anything Rahl wants if he won't hurt “Mistress.” Rahl starts in on the heavy-duty gloating, \~/ finding out Zedd's real name and promising to teach him “the pain I endured and more.”
Rahl orders Richard to recite the Book of Counted Shadows, which he does. Zedd mentally speechifies \~/ about how awful everything is. 
Ritual, ritual, ritual. We learn that one magic box casts one shadow, one casts two, and one casts three (which is why the magic book was called the Book of Counted Shadows). After several hours, the ritual is complete and Richard directs Rahl to open the box with two shadows to gain complete master over all life everywhere, for all time, mwuhahahaha.
Rahl claims that this is the box that will kill him. Richard says it's not. Rahl says to cut Kahlan's throat. Richard insists that he's not lying, that he can't tell Rahl anything else. 
Rahl opens the two-shadow box. There's a positive SFX extravaganza, with golden light, the sorcerer's sand turning black, and violet light shooting up out of the ground. Richard collects the Sword of the Homicidal Hobo, and the magic holding Zedd and Chase shatters. Chase kills the two Nameless Guards while Kahlan disarms Michael, who flees like the cowardly liberal scum he is.
Chase chases (ha!) Michael, while Kahlan runs off somewhere else. Richard stalks up to Rahl, who is apparently imprisoned by the violet light, since Richard has some gloating of his own to do. Rahl demands an explanation, and Richard says every word he said was true...he just left out most of the last paragraph. Rahl complains that he had been mindraped, and shouldn't have been able to do something like that.
“Richard smiled. 'Was I? Wizard's First Rule. It's the first rule because it's the most important. You should have guarded better against it. That's the price of arrogance. I accept my vulnerability; you didn't.' “
Umm...does that make any sense? Rahl did pretty much everything he could to ensure his victory. He saw Richard mindraped by the unstoppable, no-defense Confessor power, and had absolutely no reason to expect Richard to find some bullshit Sue exception. \~/ I'm also not sure how Richard accepted his vulnerability, or how that contributed to his victory. \~/
Richard gloats a bit more, then wanders off after Kahlan, leaving Zedd and Rahl alone. Rahl guesses that Richard is Zedd's son, and takes comfort in being bested by wizard blood. Zedd says that, no, he's Richard's grandfather. He then says that...
...are you ready for this?...
...drumroll, please...
...Darken Rahl is Richard's real father!
\~/\~/
Yeah. That's out big twist at the finale. The Big Bad is the Hero's father. Also known as Cliché #5, aka The Star Wars Ripoff Cliché. 
I...I don't really know what else to say here, so I'm going to take another drink. \~/
So it turns out that Rahl raped Zedd's daughter, \~/ who was Richard's mother. She married George Cypher, who raised Richard as his son. Zedd notes that “Richard is the true Seeker. From the Rahl blood, he has the rage of the anger, (“rage of the anger?? \~/) the capacity for violence. But it's balanced with Zorander blood, the capacity for love, understanding, and forgiveness."
Because genetics are what determine your morals and emotions, not life experiences.
I just...have nothing to add to that. \~/\~/
Anyway, Rahl vanishes in a SFX orgy, suggesting that Zedd read the prophecies because he (Rahl) is an agent. Zedd thinks about how Richard is now Master Rahl, and how the House of Rahl and the people of D'Hara are magically linked (they are? Since when? \~/).
Back to Richard, who has caught up with Kahlan. She's about to stab herself again, and asks him to kiss her once, then leave. He casually refuses and cleans the lightning bolts off her face. And then we learn how Richard managed to avoid being mindraped.
“By my love for you. I realized that I love you more than life itself, and I would rather give myself into your power than live without you. Nothing magic could do to me could be worse than living without you. I was willing to give it all over to you...” And on and on.
So Richard was saved from the Power of Love, by the Power of Love! \~/ Ignoring for the moment the idea that mindraping is anything like love, this is just plain stupid. The Confessors' power obliterates the target's sense of self and instills slavish, undying devotion. Logically, the only way Richard could avoid this would be if he was already slavishly, obsessively devoted to Kahlan. The fact that he can gamble with her life while Rahl has a knife to her throat is proof that this is not the case. Therefore, I call bullshit on this latest bit of Sue ex machina. \~/\~/ It exists only so Richard and Kahlan can break the rules once again and have a contrived happy ending and (eventually) have sex. Because you can't have love without sex. Even though Kahlan could totally have had sex with anyone she wanted anyway.
Sigh.
Great Tolkien's Ghost, isn't this book over yet?
Richard and Kahlan wander back into the garden, hugging, and Kahlan tells him that Richard “figured out how to make it work, with the magic.” Zedd's response is, “Well, it took him long enough.” It develops that Zedd knew all along that the Power of Love could defeat the Power of Love, but he didn't tell Richard because the knowledge itself would have created doubt, and it wouldn't have worked.
Chase, having chased down Michael (okay, I'll stop now) drags him back before Richard. Michael is unrepentant, saying that he was trying to help everyone by uniting the Westland with D'hara. Richard demands that Michael give him the Loser's Salute, and Michael refuses. Richard tries to make the sword turn white, but can't, so he orders Chase to murder – I mean execute – Michael. “Take his head to his personal guard. Tell them he was executed by my order, for treason against the Westland. Westland will have to find a new First Councilor.”
Okay, here we go again. First, Richard wants Michael executed on what authority? Richard's only authority is as the Seeker, which, as we've seen, basically means he's a crazy man with a sword. He has -no- right to murder Michael; at worst, he should imprison Michael and see him stand trial. \~/
Second, Michael is arguably in the right here. Granting for the moment that Darken Rahl was horrible, Michael arguably -was- trying to do what was best for the Westland. Barring Richard's interference, Rahl -was- going to be victorious, and fighting him would be suicide. Michael the politician, leader of his country, made the hard choice and allied with the nasty person in order to keep his people as safe as possible. That bastard. \~/
Finally, Michael is Richard's freaking BROTHER! Richard is implied to feel bad about it, but come on! What kind of person orders his brother's murder with little more than a bad feeling? A sociopath, that's what kind. \~/\~/
Anyway, Michael gives the salute and begs for mercy. Richard forgives him for his crimes against Richard, but not against the Westland (again, what were those?), and Strawman Michael is dragged off to be murdered by Chase the bandit king.
Zedd is hungry. It still isn't funny. Especially coming right after Richard ordered his brother murdered.
The “heroes” head to a dining hall, where the guards surprise them and kill them all...no, wait. Logic again. Instead, “smiling servers” bring them food. Zedd eats a lot. \~/ Richard doesn't like the cheese. This, I swear to God, is foreshadowing.
Our merry band eventually heads out of the Palace, and finds the Westland army, the Home Guard (Michael's personal guard) and a lot of the D'Haran army standing at attention waiting for them. Rachel, keeper of the Doomsday Bread, and Siddin the Mud Boy are inexplicably present as well. The various armed forces swear loyalty to Richard. Richard insists that he doesn't want anyone swearing loyalty to him, the immediately starts throwing orders around: the war is over, call the armies home, help those who need it, punish any war criminals, etc. The D'Haran general addresses him as Master Rahl.
Richard calls another D'Haran guard and orders him to collect all the Dominatrices, destroy their +5 Riding Crops of Pain and all their clothes (yes, really) and treat them with kindness and respect. Because that's all it takes to overcome a lifetime of torture and conditioning. \~/
Red the dragon spontaneously appears to tell Richard that her egg has hatched. She offers to fly Richard, Kahlan and Siddin back to the Racist Stereotype Peoples' village. Can't have a finale unless every surviving major character shows up, I guess. Anyway, they fly off.
A random servant appears to tell Zedd that the tomb of Panis (snicker) Rahl is melting. Zedd deals with it in a pointless manner. Zedd is hungry. \~/ 
Zedd decides to go get Adie, “Because she knows more about the underworld than anyone alive.” And thus Wizard's First Rule comes to an end.
Yay.
I would like to end this sporking with a line from the book, spoken by Zedd. Remember, Richard is actually Darken Rahl's son, which makes him Richard Rahl. This will be extensively confirmed in future books, where Richard becomes Master Rahl in the literal sense.
“Now he knew why Rahl hadn't killed him when he had the chance; he wanted Zedd to suffer first. That was the way of a Rahl.”
Drinks: 23
Grand Total Drinks: 336
<Previous Chapter  -  Back to the Sword of Truth sporkings