King-Size Homer/Quotes

:Mr. Burns: Raise your left hock. Aerate! Raise your right hock. Aerate! Come on, people. I want to see more Theodore Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!
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:Homer: I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability!
:Marge: Are you out of your mind? Have you thought about your health? Or your appearance?
: Homer: So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I never knew you were so shallow.
:Marge: Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but --
:Homer: Beautiful! Goodnight!
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:Lisa: Dad, what are you doing down there?
:Homer: Washing my fat guy hat, honey.
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:(Outside the Simpson residence)
:Jimbo: I heard that guy's ass has it own Congressman!
:(Jimbo and Nelson high-five each other over the crack.)
:Lisa: Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings.
:Homer: (inside) Hey, what are you kids looking at?
:Milhouse: Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us!
:Homer: Don't make me close that shade!
:(Homer pokes window with the broom, then loses interest)
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:Homer: Well, give me a Y, give me a… Hey! All I have to type is Y. (to Marge) Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-attractive-sexually-anymore, I just tripled my productivity!
:Marge: Good. Good for you.
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:Lisa: Ew! Mom, this whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad?
:Marge: Mmm, I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.
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:Lisa: Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this?"
:Marge: Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV. But this season… (shudders)
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:Homer: Ohh… 225! That means I lost weight!
:Bart: Ahem… Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack.
:(Homer moves his stomach. The scale shows 296.)
:Homer: Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at home.
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:Lisa: Obesity is really unhealthy, any doctor will tell you that.
:Homer: Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss smart guy!
:(Cut to Dr. Hibbert's office)
:Dr. Hibbert: (gasps) My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligent -- I'll have no part of it!
:Homer: Can you recommend a doctor who will?
:Dr. Hibbert: Yes!
:(Cut to Dr. Riveria's office)
:Dr. Nick: Hi everybody!
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:Bart: If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home?
:Homer: Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks.
:Bart: Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of.
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:Homer: Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?
:Carl: Uh, he's at home on disability.
:Lenny: Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that awards stupidity.
:Homer: Stupidity, eh?
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:Homer: But this season I'm looking for something loose. Something comfortable for my first day of work.
:Salesperson: Work, huh? Let me guess. Computer programmer? Computer magazine columnist? - Something with computers.
:Homer: Well, I use a computer.
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:(Shopping at The Vast Waistband)
:Homer: I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with the muumuu.
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:Homer: All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.
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:Ralph: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant!
:Lisa: Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some food-crazed maniac!
:Homer: (as he drives past in an ice cream truck, sampling the ice creams) Oh, that's raspberry!
:Lisa: Oh, Dad!
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:Homer: I've gotta call the plant and warn them!
:(Homer pushes buttons on the phone, receives a special information tone)
:Recorded Voice: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.
:(Homer screams and runs off)
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:(at Aztec Theater)
:Manager: I'm sorry, sir, but our facilities are not equipped to suit your needs.
:Homer: What are you talking about?
:Manager: Oh what I'm saying sir is that a man of your... carriage wouldn't possibly fit in our seats.
:Homer: I could sit in the aisle!
:Manager: I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.
:Man: Hey, fatty! I've got a movie for you! 'A Fridge Too Far'!
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:Marge: That's it, that's the one, alright, send him on in.
:Lisa: Dad...
:Homer: Yes, honey?
:Lisa: Uh..mm... Mom just baked a cake...
:Homer: (runs to kitchen) Huh?
:Marge: Homer, we need to have a serious chat.
:Homer: You dragged me all the way from work for that!
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:Homer: (singing chirpily) Bart and Lisa have to go to school well I get to stay home, na na na na naaa na!
:Lisa: I like school.
:Homer: Well, why don't you live in it, then?
:Lisa: I would if I could.
:Bart: Not me, sister. When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad.
:(Bart then imagines himself morbidly obese on a talk show)
:Bart: I wash myself with a rag on a stick!
:(Obese Bart scrubs back and people applaud him. Cut back to reality. Bart is doing motions of washing his backside.)
:Bart: Woo hoo ha ha!
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:(Last lines of episode)
:Mr. Burns: Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three-Mile Island. Bravo!
:Lisa: I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death.
:Bart: And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic ga--.
:Marge: Bart!
:Mr. Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.
:(Homer looks at his family and sees how hard his obesity has made life for them.)
:Homer: Can you make me thin again?
:Mr. Burns: I guarantee it.
:(Nighttime. Mr. Burns and Homer are the only two present at the plant. Homer strains himself to do situps.)
:Mr. Burns: (through megaphone) One. One! ONE!
:(Mr. Burns throws megaphone to ground in frustration.)
:Mr. Burns: Drat! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!
:Homer: Woo hoo!
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:Lenny: Every part of me's getting exercise! Even my big fat mouth!
:Homer: Yeah, even your big fa- D'oh!
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:(Fat Homer is weighing himself. He weighs 299 pounds.)
:Homer: Oh, I've got ten minutes to gain a pound or I have to face another day of work.
:(Bart walks in with empty food containers.)
:Bart: Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even all out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the soy sauce.
:Homer: (worried) I need a miracle.
:(Maggie hands Homer a blob of play-doh.)
:Homer: Oh honey, that looks just like a REAL donut.
:Bart: Hey Homer, it says it's non-toxic!
:(Homer has already eaten the play-doh and is licking his fingers.)
:Homer: Well that's a plus.
:(The scale goes up to 300 pounds.)
:Homer: Woo-hoo! I did it!
:Bart: Homer - you're uh... on the towel rack.
:(Homer lifts his gut off the towel rack and the scale shoots way over 300 pounds.)
:Homer: (giggles happily) Wow... oh my!
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:Homer: Marge... this is everything I've ever dreamed of right here - and no one's going to take it away from me! (Homer grabs and shakes his fat stomach) You never had faith in me before, but let me tell you - the slim lazy Homer you knew is dead! Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?
:Marge: There's no cake.
:Homer: (disappointed) Oh...
es:King-Size Homer/Frases