Episode 518: Marty Feldman/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 518: Marty Feldman.
==Cold open==
 	Pops is snoozing at his position at the stage door. Marty Feldman peers in and walks up to Pops.
Marty	(clears throat) Wake up! The British are coming! The British are coming!
Pops 	(wakes up, stammering) Who are you?
Marty	I'm Marty Feldman. I'm British, I'm coming. Can I bring, uh, Loretta in?
Pops 	Oh, sure! Uh, she your wife?
Marty	Well, give us a chance, we've hardly met! Come on in.
 	
 	Loretta, a camel, walks in from outside.
Marty	There. Come 'round the door, yeah. Kermit sent her for me.
Pops 	Oh, yes. Have any trouble?
Marty	Well, yes. You see, I-I forgot these things run on water, so, uh, I had 'er filled up with petrol.
Pops 	That's terrible!
 	
 	Loretta emits exhaust from her mouth.
Marty	Well, it's improved her breath.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Marty Feldman! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo's horn emits a blue spirt, which plays a Middle Eastern tune.
==Sinbad the Sailor==
 	Kermit enters to applause, dressed in Arabian garb.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and thank you! And welcome again to The Muppet Show, where we're going to devote the entire evening to the Arabian Nights!
 	GONGGGG! Kermit is startled by that sound effect.
 	
Kermit 	And as a very special treat, our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, is the ever popular Marty Feldman! (audience aahs) Yes! And so, without further ado, let the story begin.
 	The curtains open on a caliph's palace room. Kermit narrates.
Kermit 	Once upon a time, there was an evil caliph, who had a thousand wives.
 	The caliph, portrayed by the Swedish Chef, sharpens his swords and hums to himself.
Kermit 	Every night, he would ask one of his wives to tell him a bedtime story. If he didn't like the story, he'd chop off her head. One night, a beautiful princess named Scheherazade came to his harem.
 	
 	Scheherazade dances in the doorway, revealed to be Marty, smoking a cigarette.
Marty 	(cigarette in mouth) I am the beautiful princess, Scheherazade. (breaking character) Well, this is fantasy. I mean, you've got to use your imagination.
 	He stomps out the cigarette and heads to the caliph.
Marty 	Oh, mighty caliph! I dance attendance upon your every whim. Would you like me to shake it out a bit? Or, uh, would you prefer...a bedtime story.
 	
Swedish Chef	Ja! (mock Swedish) de beddy-bye!
Marty 	Uh, could y-could I have that again?
Swedish Chef	'(mock Swedish) de beddy-bye stoory.
Marty 	Uh, a bedtime story?
Swedish Chef	Ja, ja, ja!
Marty 	Ah. I suppose you want the usual, trashy "Three Bears" or something like that.
Swedish Chef	Noo, noo, noo, noo. (mock Swedish) Zinbad de Veeking.
Marty 	Zinbad de Zeeking?
Swedish Chef	Joo, joo.
Marty 	S-Sinbad the Sailor!
Swedish Chef	Ja, ja!
Marty 	You don't want that old rubbish.
Swedish Chef	Oh, ja-a-a-a.
Marty 	You do want that old rubbish. Alright. It's gonna be a long, Arabian night, folks. Once upon a time, Zinbad the Veeking and his crew sailed to an island far, far, far away into another set.
 	Dissolve to a far off island, where Sinbad (Kermit) and his crew of frogs investigate and find a cave.
Kermit 	Ah-ha! This cave, men, contains the treasure of King Solomon!
Frog 	Gosh, Captain Sinbad. I'm scared! What if there's an evil genie guarding the treasure?
Kermit 	Don't be silly! There's so such thing as evil genies!
 	
 	Suddenly, an evil genie (Sweetums) emerges from the cave, laughing maniacally.
Kermit 	On the other hand, you might be right.
Sweetums 	Okay, little froggies. I'm gonna eat you up!
Kermit 	No, no, no! You can't do that! You'd be making a big mistake because us frogs taste terrible!
Sweetums 	Even with lots of ketchup?
Kermit 	Even with lots of ketchup! Right, men?
Frogs 	(all together) Yeah! Yeah, terrible.
Kermit 	Have I ever been accused of good taste, men?
Frogs 	(all together) No! No!
Sweetums 	Aw, you're lucky I got no ketchup!
 	
 	Back at the palace, the Swedish Chef produces a bottle of "kee-choop" for the crew.
Marty 	Oh, uh, no. You see, this, this all happened a thousand years ago; it's too late.
Swedish Chef	Oooo...
Marty 	Ah, mate, don't worry. I mean, I mean, looks very good though. Very good. 1965, that was-that was a very good year for tomatoes. Cheers.
 	Marty takes a drink from the ketchup bottle.
Marty 	Mmmm. You'll be titillated by its presumption, but a little angry at its arrogance.
Kermit 	Uh, can we get on with it?!
Marty 	If you feel you absolutely have to, yeah.
Kermit 	Thank you. Hey, listen! Why are you guarding this treasure, anyway?
Sweetums 	Well, ya' see, there's this guy - Sinbad the Sailor.
 	The frogs all gasp.
Sweetums 	Yeah. Well, anyway, he goes around stealin' treasure. What's your name, anyway?
Kermit 	Uh, well, it's, uh...uh, Sinbad.
Sweetums 	WHAT?!
Kermit 	Uh, but it's not Sinbad the Sailor! It's Sinbad the Surfer!
Sweetums 	Sinbad the Surfer?
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
Sweetums 	You expect me to believe that?
Kermit 	Sure. Hit it, guys!
 	
 	Kermit and the frogs whip out their guitar and surfboards and sing "Surfin' USA." Sweetums eventually fetches his own board and joins them.
Statler 	I don't think that was Sinbad.
Waldorf 	No, but it was certainly sung bad! (both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	Some of the frogs hop past Fozzie backstage. Kermit enters.
Fozzie	Hey! Terrific number, guys!
Kermit	Oh, thank you!
Fozzie	Hey, hang ten!
Kermit	Pardon?
Fozzie	Surfing expression.
Kermit	Not to frogs. Frogs don't have ten toes. We got flippers.
Fozzie	Oh, oh, yeah, yeah. Hang...two!
 	
 	Marty darts from onstage.
Kermit	Uh, uh, Marty! Hey, hey, listen. Can you tell us about this next story? Because I need to know for, uh, props and casting.
Marty 	Oh, yeah. Well, it's very simple - all you need is a magic lamp and someone to play the part of Aladdin.
Fozzie	Oh, Aladdin! Oh, I love it! I love it! What's the name of the story?
 	Kermit sighs.
Marty 	Is, uh, he with the show?
Kermit	Mm-hmm.
Marty 	It's called, uh, "Goldilocks and the Four Bears."
Fozzie	Four? No, no, no, that's one bear too many.
Marty 	Exactly.
Fozzie	...oh. I get it. (exits)
Kermit	Uh, sorry, Fozzie!
Marty 	I know it's tough on him now, but the audience will thank me later on. Well, who's playing the part of Aladdin? Easy part - all you have to do is rub the lamp, make a few wishes.
 	WHOOSH! Gonzo rushes in.
Gonzo 	How 'bout me?
 	Marty pauses and squeezes Gonzo's nose.
Kermit	What do you think?
Marty 	Well, he certainly could use a few wishes. 'Scuse me, I've got to get back onstage.
 	Marty darts out.
==Aladdin's Lamp==
 	Marty runs back to the caliph.
Marty 	Wasn't that sensational? Wasn't that great? That was the best story that I-
 	The caliph chastises Scheherazade, putting his blade to her neck.
 	
Marty 	(stammers) I've got a better one. Much better one. How 'bout, "Aladdin and His Magic Lamp?"
 	Marty's wig falls from his head.
Swedish Chef	Aladdin and His Magic Loo?
Marty 	(babbles incoherently) Like that? Alright. (fussing with his wig) Once upon a time, there was a lad called...a lad...a lad called Aladdin and he had a magic lamp. A thousand and one nights and I have to pick this one.
 	Dissolve to a Middle Eastern marketplace, where Aladdin (Gonzo) spots an interesting lamp among the merchandise.
Gonzo 	Wow! What a terrific lamp. I'll be with a little polish, I can resell it for mucho dinero.
 	Gonzo rubs the lamp and nothing happens.
Gonzo 	(to offstage) I'm rubbing the la-amp.
Marty 	(inside the lamp) I didn't fe-eel it!
 	
 	Gonzo continues rubbing the lamp, when FLASH! The genie, played by Marty, appears. He signals to the audience, letting them know he's in the role.
Marty 	I am da Genie!
 	FLASH! Fozzie magically appears.
Fozzie 	With the light, brown bear! (laughs)
 	Marty causes Fozzie to disappear again.
Marty 	I just granted myself a wish. You won't see him again. Now, Aladdin, young master, what is your first wish? How 'bout a nose job?
 	
Gonzo 	Of course not. I want to be become a sultan with a harem of dancing girls.
Marty 	You're not as weird as I thought.
Gonzo 	Very special dancing girls.
 	Gonzo whispers into Marty's ear. The two go into hysterics.
Marty 	I take it back. You're even weirder. Then, let it be so, then so be it!
 	Marty grants his wish. Gonzo now appears as a sultan in his den.
Gonzo 	Wow, this is terrific! Bring on the dancing girls!
 	
 	A trio of dancing chickens, dressed as harem girls, appear.
Gonzo 	Woo-woo-woo! Who loves ya'?!
 	The music transitions to "In a Persian Market," where Whanots punctuate sections with horns, whistles and gunfire. Animal runs in and begins tossing the chickens around.
Animal 	Chicken! Chicken! Chickens! Chickens! Chicken!
Gonzo 	(laughs) Ooo, ooo, ooo. Be still my heart.
==UK spot==
 	
 	A Middle Eastern Whatnot and company sing "Girlfriend of the Whirling Dervish."
 	
Statler	(covering his eyes) Couldn't watch that. Made me dizzy. How about you?
 	Waldorf moans, then faints and falls out of the box.
==Backstage==
 	
 	Sam the Eagle is backstage with Kermit.
Sam 	Oh, Kermit, I am so pleased. We finally have a distinguished, British, guest artiste on the show.
Kermit	Hmmm.
 	Marty passes through, still in drag and carrying a saxophone.
Marty 	Hello, cheeky-face.
Sam 	What was that?
Kermit	Oh, oh, that was our distinguished, British, guest artiste. Hey, Marty!
Marty 	Yeah, Kermit?
Kermit	Come in and say hello to Sam Eagle here.
Marty 	Oh, yes. How do you do?
Sam 	Don't touch me!
Kermit	Sam! N-now, Marty's doing a great job with the "Arabian Nights" stories.
Sam 	The Arabian Nights? Oh, well. Yes, the passion, the poetry... (glancing at Marty) well, the poetry at any rate.
Marty 	Bravo. I'm glad you like the Arabian Nights, 'cause, uh, we're in the next one together.
Sam 	Uch. Not I. I do not perform.
Marty 	You see this sax? I'm appealing to you - sax appeal! (manic laughter) Oh, it's humiliating for artist of my stature to do jokes like this. (to Sam) Don't mind me.
Sam 	(grumbles) Alright. As long as it's cultural. Uh, what is this "Arabian Nights" story?
Marty 	"The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk!"
 	Marty dashes off.
==The Wright Brothers==
 	The caliph's palace. Marty dashes in, takes provocative pose on pillow.
Marty 	... "dashes in, takes provocative pose" ...
 	
 	He covers him his armpit in embarrassment.
Marty 	And now, another exciting story - The Wright Brothers at Kitty Hawk.
Swedish Chef	"De Rite Broothers at Kitty Hoo?"
Marty 	That's even better, yes.
 	The Swedish Chef, yelling angrily, strikes a pillow with his sword.
Marty 	Our, uh, scene changes to a patent office at the turn of the century...
 	Marty slides out of frame as the scene cuts to the patent office, where Sam awaits at his desk, reading the script.
Sam 	(reading) "A Patent Office at the Turn of the Century. Behind the desk..." - this is the desk - "sits the stooge." Ah, that'll be him. "No, the stooge is you."
 	Marty wheels a prop door through the beaded curtain entrance.
Marty 	(behind the door) Bang, bang! Thud! Wallop! Knock, knock, knock! Kick! Ow!
Sam 	Come in!
 	Marty enters, carrying a case.
Marty 	I wish to patent an invention.
Sam 	Certainly. Chair?
Marty 	The chair? The chair's already been invented! You have one, look! In perfect working order. (sits down)
Sam 	Would you get on with it?
 	
Marty 	I have invented the flying carpet.
Sam 	"Under whose name is this invention to be patented?"
Marty 	(leaning in) Wilbur and Orville Wright.
Sam 	Oh. Uh...which one are you?
Marty 	Oh, that is me.
Sam 	You are Wilbur and Orville Wright.
Marty 	Exactly. You see, my mother wanted twins - identical ones. That's why I look so alike.
Sam 	Uh, Mr. Wright-
Marty 	Uh, "Messers," if you don't mind.
Sam 	Messers-
Marty 	You can call me Wilbur...
Sam 	All right, Wilbur-
Marty 	...and Orville.
Sam 	(hard sigh) This invention of yours had better be good.
Marty 	Just, just feast your eyes upon this thing!
 	Marty pulls a model airplane from his case and pretends to fly it around.
Sam 	That is an aeroplane!
Marty 	Of course it is.
Sam 	(stammers) Where is the flying carpet?
Marty 	Inside the airplane, on the floor. You see?
Sam 	What is the point of that?!
Marty 	Oh, you may scoff now, but someday, people will be able to pick up one of these and speak to someone on the other side of the Atlantic! "Hello, the other side of the Atlantic," they'll say.
 	A whistle blares. A policeman, armed with a telephone receiver as it were his firearm, barges in.
Policeman 	This is the police! You're both under arrest!
Sam 	W-w-why me?
Policeman 	No, no, not you. Just these two!
 	Marty raises his hands.
Policeman 	Wilbur and Orville Wright, I arrest you for fraud! And I cite as an example elastic-waisted underpants...
 	Marty recoils.
Policeman 	...patented by you under the description "the eternal combustion engine."
 	A telephone ring is heard.
Marty 	I'll get it! (picks up and speaks into the plane) Hello. (to the officer) It's for you darling!
Policeman 	(into his receiver) Uh, hello?
 	BANG! The policeman is shot and falls over.
Sam 	This is getting completely out of hand! Get me the real police number!
Marty 	"Real Police Number" onstage immediately!
 	Marty is joined by three other officers and sings a verse of "The Laughing Policeman." He and the four officers eventually get caught up in laughter, as Sam facepalms.
==Ali Baba==
 	Marty, back in his female costume, returns to the sultan.
 	
Marty 	And so the lived happily ever after. Wasn't that a terrific story, eh?
Swedish Chef	(angry mock Swedish)
Marty 	Yeah, I hated it too. Actually, I-I've been saving the best one for last.
Swedish Chef	(curious mock Swedish)
Marty 	Yes - Ali Baba.
Swedish Chef	Ooo! Ali Boo-Boo! Ali Boo-Boo, jaaaa!
Marty 	Ali Boo-Boo! Yes, Ali Boo-Boo. I knew you'd like that, yeah. Ali Boo-Boo and the, uh, Four Thieves.
Swedish Chef	Nu, nu, nu. Nu four thieves, forty thieves.
Marty 	Ah, well, there were supposed to be forty thieves, but, uh...Kermit told me that they had, uh...budget problems. They said that they spent all the money borrowing this costume from Bette Midler, you see.
 	Kermit walks onto the set.
Kermit 	'Scuse me, Marty. One of your thieves went home sick.
Marty 	Oh, terrific. Marvelous. Bloody wonderful. Alright, Ali Baba and the Three Thieves! They wouldn't dare do this to Liza Minnelli.
 	Dissolve to a forest set, with a prominent cave. Marty narrates.
Marty 	Once, long ago, there lived a poor, but honest woodcutter named Ali Baba. He was known as the most handsome lad in all the world.
 	
 	Ali Baba and his horse, backs to the camera, traipse through the woods. Ali Baba turns out, revealing himself to be the spitting image of Marty.
Ali Baba 	(laughs) You are my kind of narrator, Feldman! (laughs)
Marty 	Thank you. And one day, while Ali Baba was in the forest, something strange was heard approaching.
Ali Baba 	Oh, oh! We'd better hide!
Horse 	Yeah, these woods are full of thieves!
 	The two take shelter in the bushes.
Marty 	And so they hid, which was just as well, because suddenly, out of the forest came...
 	Fozzie and two bears emerge from the bushes.
Fozzie 	...the Three Bears! (laughs) Come on, guys!
Ali Baba 	Hey! You are not thieves.
Fozzie 	Wha-no, we're bears.
Horse 	Oh, does this mean we're gonna have to listen to a lotta dumb porridge jokes?
Fozzie 	What porridge? We are looking for a straw house!
Ali Baba 	No, no, that's the Three Pigs!
Fozzie 	Pigs? You want us to be pigs? Y-you just said you wanted us to be thieves!
Ali Baba 	Yeah, yeah, thieves! Big, tough thieves.
Fozzie 	Big, tough thieves! Alright, okay. Let's go back, guys. Uh, cue us again.
Ali Baba 	Alright, we'll start over.
Marty 	Ali Baba...
 	Ali Baba and the horse scream in fear.
Marty 	What's wrong?
Ali Baba 	Uh, nothing, we forgot you were there.
Marty 	Sorry! (clears throat) One day, Ali Baba was in the forest, something strange was heard approaching.
Ali Baba 	Oh, we better hide!
Horse 	Yeah, these woods are full of thieves!
 	
 	Fozzie and the bears re-emerge, dresses as stereotypical gangsters.
Fozzie 	Dum-de-dum-dum. Hey! Ha-ha-ha-ha. Alright, thieves. That was some swell jewel heist we just pulled off, eh?
Bear 	You betcha, Big Fozz.
Fozzie 	Therefore, we will now retire to our hideout cave and count the loot. Open Sesame!
 	The cave opens, revealing oodles of treasure.
Fozzie 	Wa-ha-ha!
Bear 	We're wi'cha, Big Fozz!
 	The bears scamper into the cave, which then shuts.
Ali Baba 	This story is a mess! It couldn't get worse!
Goldilocks 	(entering) Hi, I'm Goldilocks! You guys seen my bears?
Horse 	It just got worse...
 	Fozzie runs into the empty backstage.
Fozzie 	Hey, Kermit! Kermit! Anybody? Hey, it's goin' great out there. Oh.
Scooter 	(entering) Hey, Fozzie, who ya' talkin' to?
Fozzie 	W-I'm trying to find Kermit. Where is everybody?
Scooter 	Oh, everybody's outside in the alley. We're heating up the oil for "Ali Baba!"
Fozzie 	Oh? W-why do we need hot oil?
 	
Scooter 	'Cause the thieves get cooked in it!
Fozzie 	"The thieves get cooked in it?!"
Scooter 	Yup.
Fozzie 	Um...w-w-when does this happen?
Scooter 	Oh, just before the closing number.
Fozzie 	Uh huh. Well, there's only one thing to do.
 	Fozzie runs out, panicking. He reappears back onstage, where the others are still waiting.
Fozzie 	Uh, okay, hit it, boys! This is the closing number.
 	Fozzie and the cast sing a verse of "Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight."
Fozzie 	Wait, now, we need more people, a bigger finale. Alright, open Sesame!
 	
 	The cave opens. Kermit, Gonzo and others emerge, all singing another verse.
Fozzie 	Alright, one more time! Open Sesame!
 	
 	The cave door re-opens. Emerging now are the gang from Sesame Street - Ernie, Bert, Cookie Monster, Grover, Count von Count and two Anything Muppets, who sing a verse of the "Sesame Street Theme."
Fozzie 	Okay, everybody. Let's go to Marty!
 	
 	The whole joins Marty and the Chef in the sultan's den and sing a finale verse.
==Goodnights==
 	Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	And so we come to the end of another one, and I know what you're thinking and I didn't understand it either. But, one of the good parts was our guest star, the master of nuttiness - are you changed yet?
Marty 	(off-screen) Yes, but I think I'll recover.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Marty Feldman! Yaaay!
 	Marty enters, clapping, now in his normal clothes.
Marty 	Yay! Let's hear it for us! Yes!
Kermit 	Yes!
 	
Marty 	Hey, Kermit. Kermit, Kermit, thank you. Um, the big thing on this show for me has been meeting my favorite Muppet...
Kermit 	Oh, thank you.
Marty 	Cookie Monster.
 	Cookie Monster enters, laughing.
Cookie Monster	Hi, Marty.
 	
Marty 	I don't know what there is about him, but there's...s-something.
Kermit 	Well, whatever it is, we've never had anyone make such an impression on our entire cast!
 	Scooter, Gonzo and other bit players from the episode enter, all wall-eyed.
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Cookie Monster	Bye-bye!
Gonzo 	All both of them! Yes! (shakes Cookie Monster's hand) Hi, Cookie. I'm the Great Gonzo. (gestures at Kermit) You know him? You know him?
 	The Muppet Show orchestra plays the closing theme. As it nears the end, the Sesame Street gang appears in Statler and Waldorf's box.
 	
Waldorf 	How should we know how to get to Sesame Street?
Statler 	We don't even know how to get out of this stupid theater box!
 	Everyone laughs.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts