Tim Johnson (Johnsonverse)/Posts and Speeches

Just like all his predecessors, current Johnson CEO Tim Johnson is highly liberal. He is notorious on MySpace (one of the companies Johnson owns), Twitter, and Facebook for making posts weighing in on certain political issues. He has also, on occasion, made rants on his talk show Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson, and has made posts supporting his father in his successful 2020 presidential campaign. 
Note that these do not necessarily reflect the opinions of all editors on the wiki.
== 2009 ==
===November===
* (After seeing the film 2012) "Such an unrealistic mess."
== 2010 ==
== 2011 ==
===May===
*(After hearing of Osama bin Laden's death) "Beautiful. Now let's hope that things can get better from here."
== 2012 ==
===July===
*(Upon hearing about 2012 Aurora, Colorado shooting during the midnight screening of The Dark Knight Rises) "Jesus Christ..."
===November===
*TBA.
== 2013 ==
===January===
== 2014 ==
== 2015 ==
===June===
* (Upon Trump's announcement for his presidential campaign) "Good luck, Don. But I warn you, I will NOT root for you if you score the nomination. Hell, the fact that you admitted in 1992 that you treated women like shit is bad enough. There are 300 million-something people in America, and you're the man they choose. You're lucky I'm resisting the urge to let WBC be biased towards the Democrats because I know we'd be just another CNN."
* "Do YOU want this mentally dead man to do to America like how Phil Stacker almost did to Johnson? For God's sake, he tried to claim that Obama's birth certificate was a fraud."
* "If you build a wall in the US-Mexico border and make the latter pay for it, I warn you, you will absolutely regret it. #ImmigrantsMakeAmericaGreat #IMAG"
* "This guy's clearly out to make this country into a fascist police state already, isn't he?"
=== September ===
* (After seeing the film Stonewall) "TBA".
* "Praising Putin is NOT A GOOD IDEA. He's a well-known dictator who treats Stalin and Lenin as heroes and is OVERLY enthusiastic on pushing that mindset, and you choose to praise him. It's clear you are a big fan of the Kremlin."
== 2016 ==
=== July ===
*(Upon Trump's nomination) "What bright minds in the Republican Party would want this guy to carry the party? This is a terminally stupid mistake for sure, and will undoubtedly bring down the Republicans for years to come. And believe me: they were already bad enough."
*"To the people who are considering voting for Trump, DON'T VOTE FOR HIM. He'll turn this country into the New York Knicks of the world, with himself as James L. Dolan."
* "The Kremlin clearly planted this guy into the GOP because they knew he would grovel to Putin and eventually use him to take over the US."
===November===
* (Upon Trump's victory in the 2016 election) "To the people of America that voted for Trump, you are the single-biggest disappointment of my entire LIFE!!!!!!! BAR! NONE! Don't come crying to me if any of our hundreds of thousands of restaurants refuse you service for voting for Trump, because you just contributed to the beginning of the end of all life on this planet! You have all let your own country go to shit at the hands of that, that mercenary! To the women, LGBTs, and people of color who voted for him, I'm almost certain that you don't know who you voted for."
== 2017 ==
===January===
* (Upon Trump's inauguration) "This is the date in which America's downfall begins. And I mean its true downfall. What did we all do to deserve this? Go watch the Terrahawks marathon on WBC that my sister's hosting. I would host myself, but that nagging cold just had to foil my plans."
*(Upon Sheldon's campaign announcement on January 21, 2017) "Go get him, Dad. When you win in 2020, America will finally be saved. America will be saved..."
*"The new Oval Office looks as drab as a cheap motel room. Seriously. You missed a great opportunity to make it look as gaudy as your other buildings."
* "Like I said before, I'm still resisting the urge to turn WBC News into another CNN."
*"Dear Trump, YOU'RE AN INHUMAN MONSTER. Signed, Tim Johnson. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
*"Great. So you choose to attack John McCain (a war hero, but according to you, that was only because he was captured, and how rich is it when you used your fortune to evade the Vietnam draft) all because HE DOESN'T AGREE WITH YOU. He had every single reason to disagree, you know."
*"May God have mercy on those who aspire to be like Trump one day. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
=== May ===
* (Upon hearing the Portland shooting) "Totally, disgusting. Period."
=== June ===
*"That mentally bankrupt monster Trump wants to destroy ALL non-whites on Earth, starting with the ethnic cleansing of the Japanese states. Mark my words, if he gets that second term, it WILL happen."
*"For the record, I do NOT endorse the Push Trump Off a Cliff Again game that's been going around recently. While I do have a big fat hate boner for Trump, even I draw the line at that so-called "game", which has just that one joke to go off of. Just the one."
*"Is Trump a human being? Because humans have one thing he doesn't have: SOULS. #ImpeachTheMonster"
*"That morally blank man has reduced America's once-proud and good name to a stereotype and a joke."
*"Great. Now we got someone who's defending marching Neo-Nazis carrying torches in the White House."
*"I hate Trump with the passion of a thousand suns. But if there's one thing I draw the line at, it's making fun of his youngest son Barron. Especially with his clothing. No wonder Chelsea Clinton rightfully defended him. As for Barron, he's a victim of being with the wrong father, and once my dad wins and Don rots in Gitmo, Melania (who's a victim of being with the wrong husband) will more than likely DIVORCE his ass."
===October===
*"Spain must respect Catalonia's decision. They voted for independence, so they better get independence. The Spanish government's attempts to suppress the vote and illegally hold on to Catalonia must stop."
== 2018 ==
===January===
* "Great. Not only have you been a dictator, but you once had a second wife! Bill Clinton had a second wife too, but he wasn't an outright madman."
* "You know you've failed BIG TIME when most of your voters are blaming YOU for the shutdown."
===February===
* (After seeing Fergie's performance of The Star Spangled Banner) "TBA."
* (video post) "Let me be perfectly clear: if Trump tries to create a dictatorship in this country, just know that Hugo Chávez got his karma when he turned Venezuela into an oppressive tyranny. At least Pence isn't a loudmouth braggart and won't try to create a new Axis of Evil with us at the center; he simply has Stockholm Syndrome, so he has my fullest sympathies."
=== June ===
* (Tim's response to the Progress Pride flag was to repost Chloe's post, which stated "What a vexillological tire fire.")
* "Note that Johnson will not be using the "x" suffix after "Latin". So many Latinos hate it and have trouble pronouncing it correctly, and at the end, it's simply the US applying its own language standards at the expense of the Latinos'. Therefore, Johnson will use "Latine" as the gender-neutral form of Latino."
=== August ===
* (Upon the death of John McCain) "I bet you're laughing hysterically at the death of one of your political rivals. He was a war hero who served in ‘Nam, spent many years as a Senator, and tried bravely to put up a fight against Obama back in 2008 (and probably would've won had it not been a combination of Obama's charisma and Sarah Palin being, well, Sarah Palin), and yet you choose to not leave the flags half-mast. Well, one thing's for sure: I'm not celebrating his death, and may he, one of the few sane Republicans left, rest in peace."
*"What the hell Senate?! Kavanaugh clearly hates women, thinks the only thing they're good for is sex, and you confirm him to the Supreme Court?! You fools! You just single-handedly undermined a poor woman's testimony, re-victimized her, and maybe even ignored all future testimonies of women who get victimized! You clearly knew about the truth, but somehow got influenced by that fat orange cube and his minions! Naïve fools. This is proof that Trump doesn't care about the American people. He only cares about war, power, money, and himself. Dad, if you read this, when you score the 2020 election, make sure to expel that heartless, perverted old womanizer Kavanaugh from the Supreme Court and publicly humiliate him, OK? Good."
=== October ===
* (After receiving a pipe bomb in the mail on October 24, 2018) "I know it was you, Trump! You're trying to kill all your opposition to ensure your tyrannical dictatorship and then betray and scapegoat the Saudis!"
*"What the hell? You just betrayed the Kurds at a time of desperation! There could be a second 9/11!"
*"When Dad gets elected, you, Mr. Donald John Trump, will forever be remembered as your own (and the people's) cautionary tale against letting an inexperienced politician into office. No wonder Mattis resigned; he wanted to distance himself from you."
*"Please tell me your promise to hold the government hostage taking months or years is another tantrum of yours...if not, then Napoleon would bow to you like you're God Himself."
=== November ===
*(On the arrest of Michael Avenatti) "Avenatti was framed, with random women paid to make up sob stories. Trump's secret police has now officially begun its horrible, horrible reign of terror. I bet Trump's put my dad on top of his hit list, and is planning on arresting him when he least expects it. #4thReich"
*"Hey Trump. I understand you had something removed. Maybe that something was YOUR HEART!!!!"
*"Mr. Trump, you are the first king of America just for helping a bunch of neo-Soviets in their quest to dismantle democracy. And you are bad at that too."
*"OK, so that Jewish group says about yesterday's shooting to Czar Trump I, 'You have also deliberately undermined the safety of people of color, Muslims, LGBTQ people, and people with disabilities. Yesterday's massacre is not the first act of terror you incited against a minority group in our country.' I think it's 100% justified. His response exposes his islamophobia, racism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, etc. by tweeting about baseball at a time like this. More specifically, a team that hardly anyone here at Johnson corporate in San Jose gives two sh*ts about; we only rooted for the Red Sox because we all hate the Dodgers (pretty much everyone here is either a Giants or A's fan; I swing either way depending on which team is playing)."
*"Even the late, great Stan Lee himself (may he rest in peace) thought you needed to tone it down, Czar Trump I. I got a warship I named the Stan Lee in 2012 in his honor. It's very powerful; I'm not afraid to use it."
*"Revoking birthright citizenship...oh, sure! I totally agree with that! That is the best idea ever! Very constitutional! All-American! Represents a land of the free! Opportunity! Totally coming from a guy not hellbent on changing the Pledge of Allegiance to end with '...liberty and justice for all real American, white Christian males' to represent Trumpist ideas. (obvious sarcasm) #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
*"QAnon is the single-most ridiculous conspiracy theory I have ever heard. It's proof that the Trump right (not all right-wing people, though) is not only becoming more openly fascist, but openly stupid."
*"Trump is making America great again, alright. Making it great for the rich white assholes who think money is more important than human life. I myself may be as rich as Bezos and as white as any other white cisgender male, but I'm only an asshole towards people who actually deserve it, like Trump, and Rush Limbaugh, and people who unironically think the Twilight movies are a masterpiece of cinema."
*"Using tear gas to expel migrants is like giving a friend a TNT bomb disguised as a gold bar."
*"So, those Comey docs allege you broke the law. If it ends up coming true, it'll be the drop that spilled the glass for your presidency, destroy America's rep, and give me a good excuse to launch the revolution."
*"That fascist dictator Trump is the greatest scab and cancer to over 240 years of American history and the syphillis to everything America's worked so hard for. Can't you get at least ONE thing right, Mein Fuhrer?"
*"Ripping families apart is terrible! That's something the Nazis did to Jewish families. That's something the Soviet Union would've done. Proof that Trump is a soulless, inhuman coward with tiny hands."
*"Go ahead Trump. I warn you though, pulling out of the nuclear deal would start a chain reaction sending America down the tubes."
*"Skipping a Veteran's Day ceremony in Arlington. Oh, sure! That'll be respectful to the brave men and women who died for our country!"
*"I know you want to pardon yourself and Manafort to cover up the fact that you helped Russia, and Manafort was a crucial part of that."
*"So, you tried to prosecute Comey and Clinton huh? I wouldn't be surprised if your secret police tries again."
*"Claiming you pointed out Osama bin Laden. Talk about stealing credit! What's next? Brainwashing citizens into thinking you're God?"
*"The anti-net neutrality thing was clearly a way of suppressing criticism."
*(after the suspect was caught) "Now I realize that Czar Trump I merely paid an unstable but very loyal follower of his to ruin the Democratic Party by sending pipe bombs to me, my dad and other key members, hoping each would get killed by the bombs so that Trump and his administration can wreck what George Washington and the Founding Fathers started. Trump knows he's a descendant of immigrants, but couldn't care any less, choosing to undermine that by making America a totalitarian dictatorship, the exact personification of what it once fought against. A tyranny. THE FOURTH REICH. I'm still close--actually closer--to unleashing the Iowa on his golf resort; let me tell you, the explosions from the shelling of Mar-A-Lago Golf Resort would put every explosion I've ever staged in Hyperdimension Neptunia to shame. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
*"Aha! Now that we know Cohen used some campaign funds as Stormy Daniels' hush money, Trump is one step closer to his political downfall and demise. Trump claims it totally clears himself, but it's just a not too crafty coverup."
*"So, you asked Tillerson to violate the law, eh?"
*"Now that we know you hired illegal immigrants for your service, we also know that you're two-faced. #hypocrite"
*"That synagogue shooting is Trump's fault. Even though he didn't directly do it, his rhetoric caused it. I don't think Trump is actually an anti-semite since he probably adheres to certain Jewish stereotypes and thus believes they line his pockets, but still. I could handle his extreme fascist policies, but not the fact that his rhetoric caused it! Putin ordered the assassination of a Russian spy with radiation poisoning in 2006, just like how Trump ordered the pipe bombs and caused this shooting."
*"Missing a WWI ceremony due to rain? Not very patriotic."
*"If you won't help Puerto Rico, then CSL will. Just because they have a majority Hispanic population doesn't automatically make them Mexican, you ignorant ass. I bet you're laughing hysterically at the situation and tweeting at the same time, with your feet on the desk and smoking expensive high-end cigars."
*"It's way too obvious that Khashoggi's murder was a false flag carried out by the CIA to justify betraying and invading Saudi Arabia for its oil. Trump, don't make the same mistake Bush did invading Iraq, because all you're gonna do is embolden the Islamic State (ISIS) to expand into Saudi Arabia--oh wait! I predict you will do just that. Dad, if you read this, make sure to arrest him and all the Czar's men, Pence not included because of Stockholm Syndrome, when you become President, OK? Good."
*"While it doesn't make up for all the other crap you've done, I will admit that putting prices in drug commercials is actually a smart idea."(after hearing of George H.W. Bush's death) "Rest In Peace, Mr. Bush. You may not've been perfect, but you're still one one of the most sane Republicans to have graced this planet in the past 50 or so years, and I commend you for that. Also, I still don't think your son (more specifically, the one you named after yourself) is the best son a man like you could have…"
*"Shutting down the government just because you can't get funding for your precious border wall?! THAT'S TANTAMOUNT TO--actually is--HOLDING THE GOVERNMENT HOSTAGE! All Johnson personnel, begin pre-allocating equipment and activating all naval vessels. We are now one step closer to revolution. THIS IS NOT THE CALL TO RISE UP. Trump has yet to go off the deep end. But when (not if) he does, which I predict will be very soon, it will be the beginning of the end for the Donald's beloved status quo."
*"'Master' Trump, two kids died at the border, and you're blaming us Democrats?! For the past ten years, no child has died in CHP, and now two die in a month; I think that explains a lot. Please consider the fact that Obama was President for more than HALF of the decade, and there were absolutely NO CHP deaths during his presidency! I feel as if things would remain that way with the next President if only it wasn't anyone like you…"
== 2019 ==
=== January ===
* (Upon the passing of Directive-type Memorandum-19-004) "This is a MAJOR step back. We were being more open-minded. But that bigot has to make this country closed-minded again to enforce Putinist ideals. He tries to use the "this is political correctness" excuse, but there is a clear difference between political correctness and bigotry, and this is the latter. I warned you about this, people! And you didn't listenǃ"
*"Declaring a national emergency over a non-issue?! YOU ARE ON THIN ICE, MISTER. I didn't pay my taxes for this, so naval exercises and training flights begin on March 4. There's a reason we haven't torn out the old STOLport at Walt Disney World, or as it's now known, Elias Air Force Base, with the Speedway.
*"So, there was no collusion. You win this round, Trump. But mark my words: you commit one more, ONE MORE, act of tyranny, and your ass is pure, fertilized, 100% all-natural GRASS. That incident where some of our F-15s dropped pillows on Joint Base Andrews? That was a training flight practicing fighter sweeps. We've been practicing with dummy bombs simulating the weight of actual bombs at Elias Air Force Base. Consider it a warning shot, because come zero hour, you're gonna see more than some serious shit."
*"Windmills do NOT cause cancer. The only thing that causes cancer around here is your ignorance. You need to stop this war against green energy to protect you and your sycophantic lackeys' interests in the fossil fuel industries, because there will come a day where these fossil fuels dry up. And that's why we here at Johnson Industries are heavily researching synthetic fuels for use in our locomotives, ships, aircraft, and spacecraft, as well as for NASCAR competition. And we'll make sure it's both clean-burning AND affordable for the everyday motorist. But no, you just want to keep using natural sources of coal and oil, viewing green energy as a threat to American prosperity and trying to betray and frame Saudi Arabia for Khashoggi's murder so you can get your greedy mitts on even more oil. I mean yes, Continental Rail does very, very good business hauling coal and crude, moreso than the other Class I roads combined, but do we glorify its use and demonize green energy as a carcinogen? NO. I'm not gonna go using this irrational prejudice against green energy to justify starting the revolution since it isn't really hurting anyone, but I will start it if your obsession with fossil fuels becomes detrimental to public health."
* (After seeing the previews of Leaving Neverland) "TBA".
* "Something's fishy here with Trump refusing to release his tax returns. Clearly he committed tax fraud. Which only makes him even more corrupt than he already was, and that's a hell of an accomplishment."
* (After seeing Leaving Neverland) "TBA".
=== April ===
*(After seeing the film The Haunting of Sharon Tate) "One of the most disrespectful movies I've seen in my life, period."
*"Before you ask, NO. I am NOT blaming Trump for the Notre Dame fire. He'd have absolutely nothing to gain from it, not even a few sick kicks. No, I believe the fire was started by al-Qaeda, and the French government is covering this up to avoid mass Islamophobia."
*"Caging kids up reminds me of Nazi concentration camps! No wonder Chloe calls you ‘Hitler Reincarnated'."
*"Way to go, Mehta. The one good idea Trump had (aside from restarting the manned Martian program), and you just had to block it."
*"Frank Caliendo's MADtv portrayal of that stuffy coot in that Sesame Street parody was pretty accurate. This song summarizes him well: "I love cash. And I don't care if somebody falls victim. If someone's in the gutter I'll kick them! Just to get their cash! Take it hair! (AS HAIR) Yes, he loves cash! Whether it's greenbacks or doubloons or shekels! (AS TRUMP) I'm on it like salt on a pretzel! (AS BOTH) Yes, I/he love(s) cash!"
=== December ===
* (In response to Trump's first impeachment) "HA!"
* "Another boundary I draw the line at is mocking Trump in what's supposed to be an apolitical tweet, especially when it indirectly mocks his 3-year-old grandson. Only lesser men would do that."
== 2020 ==
===January===
* "This is the beginning of 2020, a make or break year for democracy."
* "Did you see that? He just killed an Iranian general! Trump literally could've triggered World War III!"
*(After Trump was acquitted in the impeachment trial) "Republican Party, I diagnose thee with Stockholm Syndrome! I already diagnosed Pence with Stockholm Syndrome long ago, so I'm diagnosing the rest of thee as well for ignoring Trump's heinous crimes."
===March===
*(Upon Trump's response to the Coronavirus outbreak) "Now you're straight-up exploiting a dangerous virus in a desperate attempt to secure a second term. Talk about dirty. Well, it's far too late for that, Donny; my dad beat you to the punch by a week when he started up a COVID-19 relief fund, which wound up raising his approval ratings even higher than they ever were when he was Governor of California, and I'm pretty sure not even the virus would help you commit more acts of tyranny against the very fabric of our country. No, I don't believe rumors that you could cancel the election, because that's something only Congress can do, though I wouldn't be surprised if you try to."
* "Decided to not unveil Obama's portrait. If so, then you actually just set a precedent so that my dad would never unveil yours. Either that, or he would only do it with reluctance."
*(After Trump cut all funding to the World Health Organization) "OHH! OOOH! HOHHOOH! WHO!? WHO SIGNED OFF ON THIS, AND WHY?!!?!!!!?!! WHO MADE THIS INSANE PIECE OF FUCKSHI- Oh, yeah, yeah, right, of course. It's that orange hillbilly."
===May===
*(In an Under Quarantine edition of Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson on May 10, 2020) "I have had it up to here with Trump and his response to this pandemic. All these testing shortages are because he defunded the CDC in favor of his precious Great Wall of America. He is not a well man, but the Republicans continue defending him because they think he'll take us all down with him via mutually assured destruction with Russia and North China in a nuclear exchange. To which I say: defy him. We at Johnson have the means to completely neuter every single nuclear weapon because we know how to brute-disarm them. And even if he doesn't launch the nukes, there's a reason I sent the JNS Iowa to his new home of Florida and made sure everyone at Mar-A-Lago could see it firing blanks from its guns. And that wasn't a display, it was an actual training exercise so the gunners know what to target, a warning that I'm not beating my chest about revolution or saying crazy things like the senile, stuffy old coot Trump is. I am dead serious about starting a civil war and overthrowing the US government in its current form, because all political options have failed us due to the Republicans developing Stockholm syndrome in the four years of this national hostage crisis we've been trying to survive. And at this point, it could be a matter of days before I give the signal; while I really don't want to do this because of the death and destruction that will inevitably ensue, there are times when desperate measures are required. This is an official ultimatum, Trump: take some goddamn responsibility for once in your life and do your fucking job, or we'll do it for you while you rot in Gitmo. I pray my dad personally throws you into said cell come November, which he definitely will, thanks to his charisma, honesty, and love for not only the people, but the entire country. Thanks for not bleeping that, Chloe."
* "How is voting by mail fraudulent? This is an example of a dictator using complete bullshit to justify staying in power, especially since he did exactly that earlier this year."
* "My dad officially has enough delegates. With his nomination in the bag, prepare to be voted out by the people who are increasingly seeing you as unfit for public office, Mein Fuhrer. For the record, I would've supported Biden (the last to drop out) as well, but only because he's not you."
* "How dare you call Lincoln's legacy questionable? And then brag about "the good you did for Blacks" when all you did to them was set their rights back at least eighty years?"
*"Republican monsters like Trump are not wearing a mask due to the concept of such being 'politically correct'; to them I ask this; are you trying to be offensive?! Are you seriously unable to consider the fact that we're in the midst of a major pandemic due to there being an airborne virus that could KILL YOU?! Come on! There shouldn't be anything against wearing a mask. It's vital; it could prevent you from getting the virus as a whole, or at least make it a lot less severe. Then again, I don't think there'd ever be a way for you to learn the truth and accept it, considering that there's ZERO ROOM in your MEGA-THICK SKULLS for BRAINS or even EMPATHY! You people give me huge migraines. I think it might have to at least partially do with my own yelling. No regrets."
* (Upon the George Floyd protests) "It's not okay for officers to choke anyone, period. Especially if the victim is unarmed. The only time it would be acceptable is with a serial killer like Jeffrey Dahmer (I still think Christopher Scarver did a service to us all, removing that heap of filth from this mortal plane), Gertrude Baniszewski (seriously, the fact she didn't get the death penalty after everything she did to an innocent girl should say a lot), or John Wayne Gacy. Your response has only worsened everything, and as I've said time and time again, the only reason anyone still supports you is due to Stockholm syndrome. First, this pandemic. Then those murder hornets. Now these riots. I'm certain 2020 can get worse at this point. Oh, wait, it could. If I launch the revolution. Not yet, though. Hopefully never."
* "Using tear gas and rubber bullets to quash a peaceful protest just so you can have your precious photo-op (it is traditional, but you should've delayed it). In a riot-damaged church and holding a Bible, no less. You've already won a golden ticket to hell, and yet you're trying to cash in a phony one to heaven instead. This is your last warning before rebellion. Your ABSOLUTE LAST. No joke. I'm DEAD SERIOUS. Our subs have already begun war patrols, and will sink any American-flagged naval vessels at a moment's notice. To any US naval sailors reading this and fearing for their lives: you should've thought about that before you decided to work for a madman."
===June===
*"Thank God you have the lowest approval rating for any President in history now."
* "You know you fucked up when I wind up agreeing with a crook like Pat Robertson that you're not the "law and order" president you portray yourself as. Agreeing with any televangelist cheat is something I never saw myself doing, and here I am now. Shows how low you've sunk in popularity."
* "Turning the White House into a fortress shows that you're cowardly enough to hide from your own citizens, and also adds to your dictatorship."
* "Based on your endless attacks on voting by mail, I guarantee that you'll try to overturn the election when (not if) my dad wins. If so, then prepare for the biggest battle since the Civil War. That is, unless you do something oppressive first. Then that battle will come earlier. As established, there will be a spectacular display of explosions that not even Russia or North China can even hope to achieve. Hell, more explosions than in a typical episode of Detective Jenny and in a typical Michael Bay movie."
* "Floyd's last words, 'I can't breathe. I can't breathe.', have wrenched my heart. Saying that he would say that Friday would be a great day for him is completely nonsensical and ignorant. And unemployment among blacks and Latinos is still rising, and yet you choose to ignore them so you can twist it as rising employment levels. Still inoffensive compared to your other acts, so you still have just one strike remaining. JUST ONE."
* "Colin Powell is voting for my dad. At least he doesn't have Stockholm syndrome. And Mitt Romney and (I can't believe I'd ever say this) George W. Bush are also doing the right thing. And yes, you have drifted too far from the Constitution."
*"We are officially just one election away from closed borders, fascism, totalitarianism, elimination of womens' basic and reproductive rights, state-sanctioned genocide, concentration camps, and World War III. Vote for my dad, my friends, and you will be the heroes who saved our country."
*"When (not if) you inevitably refuse to accept the electoral results and come up with some plan in an attempt to stay in power rather than uphold the constitutional norm of a peaceful transfer of power, your uppance will come."
* "In the event that you refuse to accept my dad's victory, I got my paramilitary and the regular military to escort you out of the White House."
*"Allowing health care providers to be allowed to refuse service to LGBT. Guess that's another reason why I should allow the Johnson Paramilitary to see action. Your father would be so ashamed of you for this."
* "I bet those 'other things' you're going to do when you lose will be to try to keep your power."
* "This election is literally going to be life or death for this country. If Trump wins, the country is doomed, and we'll ensure our paramilitary sees action. We have battleships. BATTLESHIPS. And all of the Midway, Forrestal and Kitty Hawk-class aircraft carriers. If my dad wins, the country is saved."
* "At least John Bolton realized who he worked for and bailed when he had the chance. Thanks to him, we now know that you asked Xi to help you score that second term. It's the 2016 election all over again, only this time with actual Communists instead of Soviet wannabes. Again, just ONE STRIKE to go before your Mar-A-Lago resort gets to have a hot date with a little lady whose name is... the Iowa! Such a sight would give my dad some pointers as to what to put in the California-class battleship besides anti-air lasers."
*"Fun fact: FINLAND IS NOT A PART OF RUSSIA! The Soviets didn't take THAT much land in the Winter War!"
* "A rally in Tulsa? Why pick that site in a time of racial discord? That was the site of one of the worst racial incidents in history, which happened 99 years ago. Again, not offensive enough to make me launch the ships, though. #BlackLivesMatter"
* "First rally back and you have a low turnout while my dad continues to gain more and more supporters. To the TikTok users who embarrassed Trump, you just made my good list."
*"Oh, so you just admitted to covering up testing just so you could quote-unquote "limit cases". In other words, you literally committed to committing CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY."
* "I see. So you want a fourth debate with my dad so you can distract him while you try to sabotage his efforts to put you out of the Oval Office. Yeah, you'll regret this one day. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
* "Admitted to slowing down coronavirus testing during a major pandemic just to artificially lower the number of confirmed cases. At this rate, I won't have to give the order to rise up with how badly you're polling."
* "So you told Sean Hannity that my dad "is going to be president because some people don't love me." That may be true, with how my dad has your ass in all the swing states and is on his way to winning Texas, but I reserve judgment. For now, I bet you're only doing this to distract him, the Democrats, and his entire base so you can have them off-guard come November."
* "Aha! Now we know that Vlad paid some Taliban troops to kill American and British troops in Afghanistan! It's clear that if Trump is re-elected, then the Kremlin will pay these same troops to kill him, take control of America, turn it into a Russian puppet state to influence foreign politics in his favor, begin a campaign to revert Russia back into the USSR, erase the name Mikhail Gorbachev from history like Stalin did with Trotsky, and carry out a persecutory campaign against Americans, my dad included. No surprise, as Vlad used to be a KGB agent, and thus has been corrupted by the Soviets beyond repair so he can pray every day to Lenin and carry out his plans for world domination. I swear, if this continues, my dad will expand his revolution to Russia if Trump wins. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
*(After Jeremy Christian was led out in court) "Bye bye!"
*(Upon the referendum to make Washington, D.C. the 60th state on June 26, 2020) "I get it, Trump. You think D.C. residents deserve to be taxed without representation and want to veto statehood all because it would supposedly benefit the Democrats politically. Plus, D.C. would have just one House member rather than five. Well, when my dad wins, that's a top priority on his list."
*"This is a message to all anti-vaxxers: when we have a vaccine for COVID-19, you WILL get it. And don't give me that bullshit about vaccines causing autism, because the last person who said that to my face, I very nearly KILLED him. When we have the vaccine and my dad wins, all anti-vaxxers WILL get the vaccine, or (and this is an actual plan my dad has) you WILL be forced at gunpoint by the military, and further refusal will result in death by firing squad. Yes, he WILL resort to mass executions if need be. This isn't about you and your crazy conspiracy theories, it's about safeguarding the general public."
*"A Republican operative has told News Nation that there's a possibility that Trump may drop out of the race if his poll numbers don't improve, citing his fragile psyche. If he's right, then the election is pretty much secured by my dad, since the next presumptive Republican nominee would be Pence, and he has the charisma of a wet blanket. If he's wrong, then this must be a false alarm planted by the Kremlin to catch us all off-guard."
=== July ===
*"At least so many people who once served for Bush Jr. have the decency to endorse my dad."
*Tim's immediate response to the Mount Rushmore rally was to post a GIF of this scene from Hercules.
*"That dark vision you gave at that speech in Mount Rushmore has come true already, though in a different way. Plus, you chose to not have people be socially distant, and as a result, you're only SPREADING THE CORONAVIRUS. Also, you know you should give up when you KEEP MISPROUNCING WORDS. You also used rhetoric like "they" or "them" to expose your already-exposed racism."
*"Based on your anti-mask edict at your 4th of July party (your son's girlfriend even got infected), you've basically surrendered our battle to the coronavirus. Waved the proverbial white flag. I tried to remain calm, but you have paid quite a hefty price for your lack of vision. At least you've done one thing in all this mess: cement yourself in the history books as the worst president who ever lived. Buchanan, Hoover, Harding, Nixon if he didn't resign, none of them hold a candle to you. #MakeAmericaSaneAgain"
* "No, the noose thing WASN'T A HOAX. Bubba didn't even report it; one of his crew members did. And claiming that NASCAR has been experiencing its lowest ratings is like saying that The Cool Adventures of Chocodile was a masterpiece of television. And the race was not fixed in Bubba's favor; he won because his car straight-up had the best aero."
*"I don't want to freak anyone out, but me and my mom have been feeling a bit unwell as of late. My mom has gotten a test, and we're waiting on the results. If it's positive, then chances are I myself am positive, too. And it'll be YOUR FAULT, TRUMP!!!!!"
*"UPDATE: My mom tested negative, which means I'm negative, too. Trump, your regime lives another day, because if I tested positive, Mar-A-Lago would be nothing but a smoldering ruin by now."
*"The jury spent months trying to convict that criminal Roger Stone. You just had to pardon him, so now he will never be convicted, and he will get off scot-free for the rest of his days. Unless my dad can overturn that pardon, and every pardon to known criminals you handed out, which, of course, this is yet another example of your extreme corruption."
*"So you decided to conspire with Kanye West to steal votes from my dad so you can secure victory. Yet another one of your, I don't know, DIRTY TACTICS!"
*"I know you're going to attempt to undermine our democracy by blocking ballots, intimidating voters, spreading misinformation, causing chaos, ALL of that so you can easily win the election and hand complete control to Russia. My dad is working his absolute hardest to protect the concept of democracy, and it's obvious that the ultimate goal of your reelection campaign is to cast doubt in so many people's minds about democracy in general, as well as making other countries completely renounce their faith in America so that Russia can turn the entire world into the New Soviet Union. IF you just so happen to win, then prepare for the Second American Revolution, people. You should have resigned when you had the chance, Mr. President. Instead, you're choosing to pay the price. That price? YOUR POWER. Maybe even sooner if you're not careful. One more autocratic move and you're out of office."
*"My dad has warned that Russia and North China are going to meddle in this election like Russia did in 2016, so we can "enjoy" a lifetime of Soviet control. Vladimir Stalin has officially become a leader that Lenin would grovel to, and Mao Jinping has become the new Mao Zedong. Like I said before, you better pray my dad's Second American Revolution doesn't expand to Russia and North China..."
*"Butthurt that even your precious News Nation (usually biased toward conservatives) has my dad leading in its poll. Then you say that you might not accept the election results, trying to take advantage of the Supreme Court having Stockholm syndrome. The cards seem right for a revolution, but hopefully that never happens. If Trump doesn't want a peaceful transfer of power, though, then that's the time to REBEL."
*"How fitting that you use a moment like this to send your secret police to Portland. What's next, Chicago? I've ordered a fresh set of trial runs by painting a large target on the Elias Air Force Base the size of your Mar-a-Lago resort."
* "Oh, so you are now deciding to encourage face masks? Well, it's too late. People will remember you for your prior order to refuse to order people to wear face masks."
* "I can see you decided to cancel the Republican National Convention in Florida. I can also see that this will backfire spectacularly."
*"Finally, at least a judge had the decency to undo your violation of the Constitution and release Michael Cohen back to home custody so he can finish exposing your secrets to the world."
* "100 days until the election. Highly unlikely Trump can pull off a comeback kid story."
*"Once my dad is elected, the COVID-19 vaccine will be free for EVERYONE. And to those of you in Big Pharma reading this and object to the idea, go f*ck your respective selves."
* "So voter confidence in your reelection chances are dropping. You know my dad's victory is secured when even your own voters are starting to doubt your chances."
===August===
* "Heard you call for a delayed Election Day. Why? As a last resort to secure your power at a time when your support is dropping thanks to your own despotism and my dad? Only lesser men are terrified of losing their power, and you are definitely one of them. This is an obvious rebellion against the people of our country. Plus, that's something only Congress can do."
* Tim's response to Obama's calls to eliminate the filibuster and expand voting rights was to post a GIF of this scene from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic of Twilight Sparkle nodding.
* "How could you? Defending your delay the election tweet at a time when the GOP is disagreeing with you and realizing they have Stockholm syndrome?"
*"I swear to God, if you actually somehow manage to delay the election, let's just say the jets that buzzed the White House and dropped bags of moldy peaches on the lawn earlier today were a warning shot. Next time, it won't be peaches."
*"The Supreme Court has let you decide to use Pentagon funds to continue your Great Wall of America. Now they have Stockholm syndrome too?"
* "You see how your sick rhetoric about delaying the election gets you? Now even an influential ally of yours is calling for your re-impeachment!"
*"FINALLY, the Republicans stand up to Trump by saying no to delaying the election! Good to know SOME of you are still mentally-sound."
*"Dad, whatever you do, when you debate Trump, expose his secrets. I know you'd do better at that than I ever could."
*"If you somehow manage to use your emergency powers to extend your term when you lose to my dad, prepare to see some serious shit heading in all directions."
*"Ah, look at that! Turns out my dad's leading in Texas and your home of Florida, two Republican strongholds! He's been able to persuade voters to support him and kick you out of the White House!"
*"You know something's wrong when our so-called commander-in-chief can't even tell the difference between an accident and an attack."
*"Double down on your stance against mail-in-voting, will ya? By saying it could take years to determine the result? Clearly your method of voter suppression is backfiring."
*"Finished reading Mary L. Trump's book Too Much and Never Enough. Let's just say this is another reason to hate Don."
*"Allan Lichtman, a professor who's correctly predicted every election since 1984 (including Trump's 2016 victory) with an electoral model, has predicted that my dad will beat him in the election. Voter suppression or Russian interference notwithstanding (even Lichtman agrees), we're officially saved, people. If he's wrong, then prepare for a ton of ruckus. Yes, he's against Trump, but he's correctly predicted every election since '84, as I said."
*"Now you say my dad is "against God". He knows better than to destroy our Constitution, you know."
*"Oh, so now you encourage Floridans to vote by mail. This is clearly a politically-related move."
*"Now we know that Russia isn't the only country attempting to meddle this time, as North China and Iran are doing the same. If it's a success, then prepare to see chaos on a massive scale. At least it shows that not even the North Chinese or the Iranians want you in office. I now consider this to be, in TV Tropes terms, an 'Enemy Mine' situation."
*"Hillary is right. Your executive orders are clear evidence you're going after Social Security and Medicare to cripple our country so that Russia and North China would be the superpowers countries look up to."
*"Shit. The GOP is helping Russia with meddling the election in Trump's favor. Well, Trump, I warned you I'd start a revolution, and I'm sending some of the Johnson Paramilitary to work overtime in training for the big picture, namely torpedoing American-flagged merchant ships and, yes, bombarding Mar-A-Lago. Yes, lives will be lost. But I have no choice. It's either that or allow you to put me and my entire family in a concentration camp as political prisoners, at which point you'll just have to kill me and see how the American public does without new episodes of Hyperdimension Neptunia: The Space War (did I mention many of Rei Ryghts' policies are based on yours, only taken to their logical conclusion?). Should've listened before you decided to team up with Vladimir Stalin..."
*"I read the comments in Helmut Norpoth's prediction of my dad, and I see one person calling Trump a "tragic hero" and another calling him "the greatest president we've ever had", implying that at least one voter thinks that Trump is better than Washington or Lincoln. Oh, these people won't want to hear the end of it all."
*(Upon the announcement of Val Demings as Sheldon's running mate) "Congratulations, Ms. Demings! With you and my dad, two newly-unstoppable forces, together we'll all take the next Caligula out of office! So what if some media sources have double standards and/or claim you're too ambitious? SCREW THEM!!!"
*"Before you ask, NO, I had nothing to do with whatever the hell just happened at Lafayette Park that caused a brief lockdown at the White House in the middle of Trump bullshitting the country like he always does."
*"Ah, Pence. You say you can't wait to debate Demings. Well, my dad is coaching her, and come debate time, you'll come to regret ever wanting to debate her in the first place. Trump will regret seeing this too."
*"The only men who might be insulted by my dad selecting a woman as his running mate are... YOU. No surprise seeing your opposition to a strong woman, an especially strong one at that, on the ticket."
*"When my dad is elected, one thing's for sure: your precious Kanye West could be charged with electoral fraud designed to help you."
*"I can see you're struggling to come up with an attack on Tulsi. Calling her a phony and at the same time, calling her horrible and a liar. Rather rich, coming from you."
*"A. 1952 called, they want their terminology back. B. No, they won't. C. Low-income housing 'invading' their neighborhood? Bull. Shit. D. Corey Booker? Just goes to show how racist, sexist, and completely unfit for public office you are, Donaeld."
*"So you admit that the USPS needs billions for mail-in voting. But you refuse to give them those billions. My dad has pledged over $3 billion for that."
*"A classic example of hypocrisy: you speak out against mail-in voting, yet you request your mail-in ballot. Also, see what I mean? Now a judge wants you to show any proof of mail-in voting fraud."
*"I've just finished reading Michael Cohen's tell-all book, Disloyal, A Memoir. Now that I know all the facts, Trump has officially gone from ugly to completely irredeemable. When it comes out, my friends, I suggest you read it. To the Johnson Paramilitary, if that dictator bans the book, now's the time."
*(Upon the death of Robert Trump) "My deepest condolences to him. It says something when his older brother shows no condolences in his eulogy."
*"Now you want to save the post office? That'd be like if Hitler suddenly ordered to end the Holocaust midway during World War II. Or if Stalin, Mao, Castro, Xi, and a whole bunch of other communists and such all decided to embrace capitalism. Or if my mom decided Detective Jenny is a terrible idea (which it's not)."
*"First, you call neo-Nazis and white supremacists in Charlottesville "fine people", and tear-gas peaceful protesters, and now you're legitimizing and embracing a conspiracy theory the FBI has labeled a domestic terrorist threat?"
*"Ironic how your limo is using the VERY SAME TIRES YOU'RE BOYCOTTING. Like how Go FAS Racing is running a Trump car with Goodyears."
*"You WILL regret wanting to pick on my dad. Playing yourself as a martyr while trying to make him one is one of the most ironic and hypocritical things a President can do."
*"Continental Rail currently has two fire trains protecting Roaring Camp from the CZU Lightning Complex Fire. This wouldn't have happened if Trump had done something about climate change. But no, in his tiny brain, profit takes precedent over the futures of our children."
*"Pence has just admitted to failing to Make America Great Again during Trump's first term. Clearly Pence wants to get out at this point."
*"Having one of your supporters use the Lord and Savior to justify income inequality makes you look like a sinner."
*"The only reason Trump wants to ban TikTok in America is because their users made an ass of him at the Tulsa rally. This isn't a national security concern, this is petty retaliation."
*"I will never allow anything affiliated with Johnson Industries to use the letter "x" at the end of "Latin-". Doesn't anybody know that A: it's a recist slur that actual Latino people wouldn't take any kindly to, B: the world doesn't revolve around English, C: that masculine words in Spanish can also be gender-neutral, and D: if you want to use a gender-neutral version, you can use "Latine"?"
*"Just because the WHO leads the COVID-19 vaccine effort DOES NOT MEAN IT DOESN'T MATTER. Saying it's "North China-centric" is ridiculous, and quite frankly, proves that your dictatorship is complete. A warning shot has been fired on the Pacific. Wait till you see the same thing at your Mar-A-Lago resort!!! Saying you're dumber than rocks would be an insult to an extremely useful type of stone at this point!!!!!!!"
*"I've seen that Trump has called Putin six times since the Russian bounty plot appeared. Could it be that he doesn't give a damn about the people who serve HIS country? Or maybe he's in on this plot to get rid of anyone who isn't blindly loyal to him? Remember Lugnut from Transformers Animated? That's the kind of crazed loyalty Trump desires."
*"Saying that Americans who died in battle are "losers" and "suckers" and deliberately excluding wounded Americans from military parades proves that not only do you not care about your citizens, but you don't even care about the very people who fight for the country you lead! THIS IS ACTUAL TREASON! Before you ask, no, this is not a call to arms. This is horrible, yes, but going to war right now would not look good for my father in case Trump actually somehow wins in November. Only then could I truly justify truly making America great again and purging the fascists in the White House."
*"Just great. Now you're plotting to straight up VIOLATE the Constitution so you can run for a third term? That's something Putin would do!"
*(After watching the trailer of Cuties) (breathes heavily) "TBA."
*"God help me if Trump actually wins a Nobel Peace Prize. He not only didn't help relations between Israel and the UAE, but he made the situation worse. And yet some wacko decides to have him nominated."
*"So you played a song about rich kids dodging the Vietnam war draft, something you did five times, at a Michigan rally. #Irony"
*"Saying to Cindy McCain (may her husband rest in peace) that she can have my dad is proof that you see John as a political threat all because his wife endorsed my dad."
*"Ha! Now everyone knows that you only paid $750 in taxes in 2016 and 2017 each, while a common bartender pays thousands! Not only are you a known threat to our country and everything it stands for, but you're also a huge, and I mean HUGE, tax cheat who only cares about yourself!"
===September===
*(After the first debate on September 29, 2020) "Tonight will forever be remembered as the night my dad made sure Trump would be humbled and humiliated. Trump's tactics of constantly interrupting my dad, blatantly refusing to condemn a white supremacist group (and even telling them to "stand back and stand by", no less), and even THREATENING TO COMMIT VOTER INTIMIDATION won't help him now. Hopefully, in the next two debates, Chris Wallace has the heart to cut off Trump's mic whenever my dad is talking. Prepare to smell that special kind of ozone that smells like victory, my friends. If polls and social media to go by, we have won already."
===October===
*"I just saw Jim Carrey play my dad on Saturday Night Live. I fully approve of his performance, and I know he's been doing pretty well for himself ever since he won the hearts of many, myself included, for his performance as Robotnik in the Sonic movie. Unlike you, Mein Führer, who got humbled by my dad, and I know how much you want to cheat just so you can quote-unquote "earn" four more years in the White House."
*(After hearing Trump had tested positive for COVID-19) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Wait, wait, wait...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (this was never posted as Tim realized at the last minute that he considered it worse than Trump's actions)
*"So now you lie and claim that my dad supports abortion beyond birth. In other words, you admit you think my dad wants to kill babies."
*"WTF!?!?!?!? You caught the virus and yet you still haven't required masks in the White House! My dad will make that a priority when he's elected."
*"Come October 15, you're going to deeply regret ever wanting to debate my dad on any campaign stage, PERIOD."
* (After the vice-presidential debate on October 7, 2020) "No surprise Demings and the fly won the debate after she managed to deflect Pence's fantasies and daydreams of Trump being quote-unquote "decent". After all, when your rival is uncharismatic, it's pretty easy to put him in his place. Now we wait for the next debate. Trump, this is your last chance to say no to this..."
*"I want to make one thing clear: the Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping plot was NOT us. The militia group behind it is in no way, shape, or form affiliated with the Johnson Paramilitary. Whitmer is one of the sane Republicans. If anything, Johnson UAVs were responsible for locating the would-be kidnappers. And to any potential copycats: don't. If my dad loses next month or Trump refuses to consent to a peaceful transition of power, the Johnson Paramilitary will handle the fighting. We have the means to take the fight to the US Army AND fight them head-on instead of resorting to asymmetric warfare."
* "Oh, now you decide not to participate in a virtual debate with my dad. After you caught the virus. I bet you're doing this just so you can have another excuse when you lose the election."
*"Friends, I advise all of you to go out and vote for my dad. Don't stay home just because the polls say he'll win; if you don't, the Führer will have a better chance of winning than he does. Just. Vote. Now."
*"Firstly, your calls for your political enemies to be indicted proves how desperate you are to cling to power. And secondly, calling Demings a "monster". If anyone's the monster here, it's YOU. I wouldn't be surprised if the Vatican declared you the Antichrist at this point."
*"At least you had the decency to reject the Taliban's support for your so-called "campaign". No negotiating with terrorists, indeed..."
*"My deepest wishes to Barron. I hope he recovers. This is an example of failing to contain this pandemic, Donny boy."
*"Fifteen days left until November 3. My dad is ready to cook you and eat you for breakfast in the debate, Mein Führer."
*(After the second and final debate on October 23, 2020) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Told ya my dad would eat you for breakfast! His approval ratings are now even higher than ever! Trump's approval ratings have fallen! America will be saved! TRUMPISM IS DEAD!!!!!!"
*
*(Upon the confirmation of Amy Coney Berrett to the Supreme Court) "I see. So Trump not only is a cold and heartless dictator, but he doesn't even give two shits and a popsicle about Justice Ginsburg's (God rest her soul) wishes."
*"Before you ask, no, we did NOT hack Trump's website. That's something the North Chinese would do."
*"Five days to the election now. Dad will brave through those state-sponsored voter suppression tactics by November 3."
*"Oh, you mean to tell me that, because grey wolves are common again, they can suddenly be huntable? What's next? Getting rid of the endangered species list entirely?"
*"Brokering peace among the Middle East nations was one of the few good things Trump did. My dad plans on continuing that."
*"My dad is making a list. A list of every single action you're going to attempt on him that he's going to undo."
*"Why do you think that doctors profit from COVID deaths? What, so you're implying that all doctors are soulless, cynical beings?"
*"From now until the end of the election, all of my dad's campaign buses will escorted by Johnson Paramilitary Humvees. These Humvees WILL be armed, and have standing orders to shoot and destroy any hostile vehicles. God, I feel like the revolution has already begun if Johnson vehicles have to have an armed escort now..."
===November===
*"One day left to the election and already Trump is defending these idiots who chose to swarm my dad's campaign bus. Calling them "patriots", at this point, is a Trump tactic."
*"Today's the day. Tomorrow can only go one of three ways: either Trump loses and my dad wins (the hopeful scenario) or the Second American Revolution begins. Or the election goes to tomorrow. We'll see."
*"My dad's leading in votes in Florida and Georgia. If the GOP loses them, he is one step closer to unseating Trump."
*"I declare tonight to be Revolution Watch. All night, I will be hosting coverage over on WBC News Network while Tom hosts the main election coverage on WBC, talking with various members of the Johnson Paramilitary so you can get to know the stories of the fine men and women who may or may not be taking the fight to these fascists. Our first guest will be a sailor aboard the JNS Iowa, which, yes, is still holding position near Mar-A-Lago and getting regular resuppply from CSL tugboats with barges."
*"Just as I suspected, Trump now claims he won the election. Last I checked, my dad has more electoral votes so far. The Trump crime family is going to fall before you know it."
*"We have taken back the Senate. I told you my dad would bring energy back to the Democrats. But you didn't listen, Trump, did you?"
*"Arizona, Ohio, and Nevada are looking good right now. I warn you, Trump, that any refusal to concede will result in the strategy I've been devising for several months being put into effect to speed up the Revolution. I won't say what exactly it entails, but I will say it involves artillery. Lots and lots and lots of artillery."
*"So now you're going to prepare for a second term early? You refuse to listen to me, and you're paying the price. My dad is in a strategic position to win by a huge, HUGE landslide, and you pretend you're still going to run things for the next four years, possibly longer. I am THIS close to launching that artillery."
*"Victory is so close, I can almost taste it..."
*"Even with a Georgia recount, you're still going to lose. Accept it."
*"Distancing himself from someone he once considered a friend was one of the best things Bolsonaro has ever done."
*"Trump clearly knows he's losing, so he's purging his members. I bet he'll ghost us by going to Mar-A-Lago for the holidays and never come back."
*Upon the victory of Sheldon Johnson, Jr. on November 7, 2020, Tim posted the 1997 version of the finale music for Return of the Jedi, "Victory Celebration". He also posted the reply "As you said to losing candidates on The Apprentice, you're fired. But this time, you are fired... from breathing! Please, pack up your desk, and kindly leave LIFE!!!!!!!!!!".
*"You know you have a sore loser when even his own allies at Rupert Murdoch's American networks turn on him and want him to concede with grace. If he refuses to leave the White House, the Johnson Paramilitary will escort him out immediately."
*"Why pick the parking lot of a landscaping store next to an adult bookstore? (laughs) Someone clearly meant to book the Four Seasons Hotel but accidentally booked this. Oops!"
*"Even George W. Bush of all people is congratulating my dad. Trump, please concede with dignity before you do stupid things such as barricading yourself in the Oval Office and refusing to leave. If you do the latter, as I said, both the Johnson Paramilitary and the Army will escort you out and give you a trial (provided of course you don't pardon yourself, but my dad plans to change the system so pardons can be revoked)."
*"Trump fired his defense secretary. This move only sabotages our national security, and he's clearly doing this to preserve his bloated ego. I have a feeling Trump's mental state is only worsening. A lame duck Trump is the worst Trump..."
*"Now some Republicans are coming to Trump's defense. Their Stockholm syndrome has taken an ugly toll. But my dad has won regardless, and if Trump runs in 2024 (which, frankly, is the logical scenario), my dad can easily beat him again like he has this year. If Trump cries vote theft again, he will regret it."
*"No matter what Trump does, my dad's transition will continue. Trump's actions will only have a small at best, impact."
*"At least DeWine has the sense to turn against Trump and acknowledge my dad as the President-elect."
*"When my dad is fully certified by the Electoral College, your influence won't be very long."
* "No, media, Trumpism will not stay for long. By 2024, my dad will erase all its influence off the face of the earth. The majority voted, and the majority repudiated."
*"Great. So people you probably sponsored are marching down D.C. in a bid to help you take down democracy, and you lie about the size and scale of the march."
*"Finally, you acknowledge my dad won... even though you still accuse us of "stealing" the election. If anything, YOU're the one who tried to steal it."
*"My dad's going to recognize the Oath Keepers as a terrorist group. They will try to resist him, but they're going to fail."
*"Face it, Trump, even with a few lawsuits, my dad still has your ass by one of the biggest landslides in history. Look at Michigan. At least the Republican lawmakers there had the decency to acknowledge my dad as the winner even though they had refused to before."
*"A new round of purges has begun. This time, it's anyone who doesn't believe Trump's little daydreams and fantasies about voter fraud this, voter fraud that."
* "Finally, Georgia is in my dad's hands! Where's your Georgia now, DONALD?! Literally, your lawsuits have been futile, so please give up and ensure my dad has a peaceful transfer of power. Or else we'll have to escort you out on inauguration day so you can rot in Gitmo. If you surprise us by actually doing the right thing, maybe you can consider forming your own far-right news network in an attempt to rival News Nation so Trumpism can live on for generations to come; wait, my dad is going to destroy Trumpism."
* (After hearing Donald Trump, Jr. had tested positive for COVID-19) "See what you've done? Now your handling of the coronavirus got your son infected!"
*"Finally, someone in the Trump administration decides to formally approve my dad's transition. And yet Trump takes credit for the decision."
*"Pardoning Michael Flynn, who pled guilty twice. Don't forget, THIS IS THE TRUMP CRIME FAMILY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT HERE."
*"Give up, Trump. We know you're not going to win any lawsuits."
*"To anyone who believes in this "Great Reset" bullshit, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. No surprise if Trump is intentionally spreading it to make bot my dad and the company look bad."
*"Let's hope Trump's vow to leave Oval Office when the Electoral College votes for my dad (which WILL happen, by the way) isn't some sort of ruse to butter him up so Trump can turn this country into the New Soviet Union."
===December===
*(After Trump's 46-minute-long speech on December 2, 2020) "My ass there was vote rigging! You're drowning in a sea of lies meant to shatter people's faith in democracy so you can replace it with fascism! As long as I live, NOBODY will start a new Holocaust! Democracy hasn't been THIS on the brink since the Depression!"
*"THOSE AREN'T SUITCASES! They're standard boxes used to transport and store ballots! And I've seen the full tape. Nowhere are GOP pollsters told to leave, or anyone, really; I instead see workers handling ballots in full view of the media and partisan monitors, and yet he conveniently downplays that. Trump has spun yet another web of lies so he can claim he won the election."
*"YES! The Supreme Court knows my dad won! Even Trump's own Supreme Court picks refuse to associate with him!"
*"Today's the day the Electoral College votes for the last time (since my dad intends to do away with it in favor of the popular vote). They're voting for my dad. Game over, Mr. Trump. Face the facts and get out of your deluded little fantasies, stop daydreaming, and lay off the drugs..."
*"You seem to be bashing News Nation recently in favor of One America News Network, which is EVEN WORSE."
*"Barr's resignation shows that he's willing to leave the Titanic that is Trump's presidency."
*"GIVE. THE FUCK. UP."
*"When even your bedfellow Vlad congratulates my dad, that's when you should know your time is up."
*"Mitch McConnell, you are no longer diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. I'm proud of you for choosing to break ties with Trump."
*"If that report turns out to be true, not only is Trump a dangerous threat, but he can only rely on his buddies' delusional fantasies to preserve his ever-bloated ego."
*"If he tries to use the military to stay in power, not even that can help him. The Johnson Paramilitary will have them cornered."
*"Just great. Even after your own Supreme Court nominees have proven they don't have Stockholm syndrome, you're asking them to overturn the election AGAIN?!?!"
*"Even Pat Robertson of all people acknowledges my dad as President-elect. If you physically refuse to leave on January 20 AND stoke wild protests, I will make sure you go."
*"We haven't seen this much pardoning since about 2018. These people are known to be corrupt, and yet Trump pardons them, ensuring they can continue their dirty work. All while 2,000 or so Americans die of COVID-19. THIS IS THE MOST CORRUPT PRESIDENT IN US HISTORY."
*"Now Trump is refusing to sign a COVID-19 relief bill. He's clearly out to ruin McConnell, isn't he?"
*"More pardons. Those will be undone by my dad, who will also send Trump to Gitmo."
*Woot."This is our last Christmas before America, becomes America again!""
==2021==
===January===
* "Happy new year! On January 20, prepare to witness a new chapter in American history."
*"Senator Hawley, thou are now diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome!"
*"Not even waging wild protests will help you. And neither will be giving Republicans Stockholm syndrome. I'm glad News Nation has fallen out of your favor. At least they have some decency. Unlike the One America News Network."
*"At least Raffensperger is another Republican that doesn't have Stockholm syndrome. He has one thing Trump doesn't have: decency. Trump literally asked him to cheat the system, the thing he accused the Democrats of doing."
*"Ha! We won a Georgia Senate runoff race! See, Republicans, you really made a serious mistake trusting a guy like Trump to lead your party. If you had trusted, say, Romney, maybe you would have won, huh?"
*"Vice President Pence, I hereby un-diagnose thee from Stockholm syndrome! You failed Trump's little loyalty test, and I'm proud of you."
*"I smell a Villainous Breakdown on the way. When Trump even takes dig at his own allies, including the Supreme Court justices HE appointed in the first place, that's a man who has let power go to his head."
*(Upon hearing of the storming on the Capitol Building on January 6, 2021) "Donald J. Trump, you have NOW officially committed treason against your own FUCKING country. The Johnson Paramilitary is being sent to quell the riots right now. You have already paid a price for your fascist tendencies, and now you are going to pay in full. My dad will ensure you will have a special place in prison. You really should have resigned when you had the chance. Instead, you have disgraced the Trump name for generations to come."
*"Lookie here, Twitter has finally locked your account!!!"
*"I don't care how late Trump is into his presidency. Just use the 25th Amendment already! Use it so Pence can spend the last couple of weeks in Trump's place until my dad is inaugurated. That is, if he chooses not to resign with dignity, and he will make that decision."
*(At the beginning of the January 9, 2021 edition of Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson, regarding the Capitol Riots back on the 6th) "I'd like to start tonight's show...without any humor. Because honestly, I'm too pissed right now. What happened a few days back on Capitol Hill...this is the greatest tragedy this nation has experienced since Trump was elected in 2016. I'm not saying it overshadows other tragedies like 9/11, Columbine, Oklahoma City, Boston, Virginia Tech, Parkland, Pulse, Aurora, Challenger, or Manos: The Hands of Fate, but compared to those, this was...Trump's goal now is clear: he wants to dismantle American democracy and replace it with a malevolent fascist dictatorship where he's revered as a god, the people are viewed as expendable pawns, non-whites are exterminated, and the world becomes his to conquer, rape, pillage, and burn while he jerks off in the Oval Office and dropkicks a puppy for good measure. To me, Trump is no longer a valid president, he is a dangerous fascist demagogue who, at any time, could decide that if he can't have America, no one can, and decide to launch our entire nuclear arsenal at Russia to take us down with him. Apparently, he's forgotten about Reagan's Strategic Defense Initiative, which, yes, is still a thing, the Manned Weapons Platform is long-gone. And to you...savages who stormed the capitol, every single one of you are now an enemy of the incoming administration. When my dad, Sheldon Johnson Jr., takes office as the official 45th President of the United States, you will all be hunted down and exterminated like the vermin you are. No trial, no due process. You and your stupidity cannot be allowed to pollute the genepool and corrupt future generations. I am DEAD SERIOUS. You are ALL banned from all Johnson-owned businesses and properties, and should you show your ugly face, you WILL be shot on sight. In fact, dad, bring back public executions, the noose, the headsman's block, firing squads, and extend that to the entire Trump wing of the GOP, and I won't count the GOP wing that has sense like Pence and Romney, for example, because at this point, they have become the Nazi Party, only much more transparent in their methods. This is no longer a joke or a crazy conspiracy theory. This is now the fate of all mankind that hangs in the balance. We stand to lose EVERYTHING to the scourge of fascism, all because of who I now genuinely believe is the Antichrist. Trump, if you are watching this, you have won yourself a place in the deepest, darkest, cruelest part of Hell. It's YOUR fault all this violence has occurred, it's YOUR fault COVID-19 spiraled out of control, it's YOUR fault we're now the laughingstock of the world, and it's YOUR fault that America now stands on the brink of a civil war more destructive than the first. If Team Jenny were real, I assure you, you'd have been out of office long ago and tortured to near-death by Lou. In closing, (holds up both middle fingers) fuck you, fuck you to Hell, fuck you to Oblivion, fuck you to the DAMNATION OF MANKIND!!!!! That is my position on the Capitol riots. So, who's up for a review segment to ease the tension?"
*"When you're bleeding Cabinet members, you know they've been saved."
*"If Pence doesn't have the balls to oust Trump, then we'll just have the loony impeached."
*"Good. Trump was already banned from the inauguration anyways."
*"You better not be plotting a second Capitol riot, Donald."
*(After Trump was permanently banned from Twitter on January 8, 2021) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Seriously, though, I don't know why they didn't do this sooner. I also know why they didn't bother to block the accounts of EVERY BLACK LIVES MATTER PROTESTER WHO LOOTED AND RIOTED OVER THE SUMMER. For the record, MySpace doesn't ban anyone based on politics. Twitter even banned a gun-rights activist for 12 hours but welcomed death threats against her, which I feel is VERY unethical. All the while, the CCP and Taliban can justify their crimes and Iran can call for the destruction of the Jewish. Also, Apple and Google, why are you locking Parler? I get it, this is a breeding ground for far-right extremists, which I agree with, but I don't like it when companies monopolize. In fact, I encourage competition, even though Parler's such a cesspool for hate speech, porn, and censorship, none of which should be tolerated. You know what? I'm gonna say it: Parler makes 4Chan look like Pinterest (the least-toxic social media site according to the CyberSmile Foundation) by comparison. I know, I'm basically turning this into a rant, but I had to get my two cents in by taking advantage of MySpace's lack of a character limit.* 
* "YOU BETTER NOT LET RIOTERS INTERFERE WITH THE INAUGURATION! THE SECOND AMERICAN REVOLUTION WILL START IF YOU DO!!!"
* "We only have 12 days left until the inauguration. That's literally 12 more days of the entire country's future at stake! Trump could further ruin our country's reputation any day. He could stoke more violence, make more reckless appointments, sign more pardons (and yes, even pardon himself, his eldest children, and his last few friends), or even TRIGGER A NUCLEAR INCIDENT TO TAKE US DOWN WITH HIM. The Capitol riot was the last straw, and we are preparing for hot, juicy, RAW action if the impeachment effort somehow fails."
*"At least Pence has the decency to attend the inauguration."
*"There's so many nicknames I've given to some of the figures who stormed Capitol Hill. There's Dovahkiin (the guy wearing a Viking helmet), Social Media Braggart (the guy who sat behind Pelosi's podium and bragged about it on social media), Evil Crutchie (the guy who was using crutches to attack an officer, named for the character from Newsies), Office Max (the guy who sat in Pelosi's office, left a threatening letter, and stole some of her mail, which, by the way, is absolutely illegal), 
*"My dad will be escorted by the Johnson Paramilitary on January 20 in case of an assassination attempt. He will arrive in an armored personnel carrier, take the oath of office, and then yeet the hell out of there in the same APC to give his inauguration speech from the White House. Nobody will be allowed to attend, both for security reasons, and to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Snipers will be located in every conceivable hiding spot, and they will have orders to kill anyone both wearing Trump paraphernalia and seems intent on killing someone, such as brandishing weapons. Speaking of whom, if at noon on January 20 Trump has not vacated the White House, he will be jailed for treason."
*"Trump's been uncharacteristically quiet lately. No MySpace posts, no interviews, nothing. Just a single pathetic speech at what was supposed to be his big, beautiful wall. Something MUST be going on..."
*"Even if Trump is acquitted, that probably won't matter. He's been publicly disgraced. And he's lost several allies of his. If he's acquitted, that's a Pyrrhic victory for him."
*"If it's true that he doesn't want to attend the inauguration because he doesn't want to leave DC as an ex-president, then he's a true dirty coward."
*"Before you say anything, YES, I plan on keeping his cameo in Home Alone 2. He's a bad man, but I promised back in 2015 that I would never cut his cameo. I never break promises unless I reach a certain limit."
*"At least Pence is acting like a president. And he's attending the inauguration. Something tells me he should have been the Republican nominee in 2016..."
*"Do not be alarmed by the smoke coming from Johnson corporate. This is an intentional fire. Johnson employees are bringing their MyPillows (if they own any) to be burned after the news today that Mike Lindell is a fucking traitor. Fortunately, I never owned a MyPillow. Neither did Chloe. Nor Belle. Nor Jenny. Nor either of my parents, who are not only from the other party, but are literally about to become our new President and First Lady. You're feeling weak now, aren't you, Mike? I hope so. Bastard."
*"Gotta admit, I was half-expecting to see a giant Trump statue as the centerpiece in that garden. Another idea in the scrap heap for sure... unless it can be changed somehow."
*"That 1776 Report is nothing more than an excuse to glorify the bad parts of America. On Martin Luther King Day, no less. Whatever, there's just two days left until he's out of the White House, so I'm beating a dead horse. Death would have been kinder..."
*"Apologies for being silent the past few days. I'm currently in Washington overseeing defense preparations for my dad's inauguration. I will be there, commanding the Johnson Paramilitary. Don't even think about trying to shoot me. I'll be wearing full body armor with five layers of kevlar, goggles made of bulletproof glass, and an air filter protecting me from COVID and chemical weapons. Any rioters will be met with extreme and overwhelming force in the form of machine gun nests, tanks, and attack helicopters. I FUCKING dare you Trumpists to storm the inauguration!"
*(After Sheldon Johnson Jr. took the Oath of Office) "At long last, our four-damn year nightmare has officially come to an end. Johnson Paramilitary, stand down and return to normal peacetime operations."
*"Dad, you're doing an awesome job so far, but if I could make a suggestion, PLEASE GET RID OF MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Jewish space lasers, Frazzledrip, the Clintons killing JFK Jr., no 9/11, mass shootings as false flag attacks...this woman NEEDS to be locked away in the looney bin and never let out."
*"Yes, he's being impeached, but when (not if) Trump gets acquitted again, this trial will only help him and the GOP politically in the long run, as well as cementing him as a martyr in the eyes of his supporters and the GOP. I'm glad my dad has condemned that."
===February===
*(After Rush Limbaugh passed away) "Good riddance to bad rubbish. Sorry, not sorry." (This was not posted.)
*(After seeing the movie Music by Sia, Tim made a video post where he is visibly trembling with anger) "THIS MOVIE IS ONE OF THE BIGGEST STEAMING PILES OF SHIT I HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF SEEING. IT MISREPRESENTS AUTISM IN WAYS I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE. CONSIDERED YOURSELF BLACKLISTED, YOU DIRTY, SHIT-EATING BITCH. IF I HEAR YOU SET FOOT IN A MCDONALD'S, THERE WILL BE A RECKONING, AND YOU WON'T LIKE WHAT IT ENTAILS."
*"Greg Abbott is a fucking moron for throwing all caution to the wind. First, power across the D/FW area was cut while a heavy winter storm raged. For a week. Now you removed the mask mandate, all because a few people are being vaccinated. It will be much, MUCH harder to vaccinate them all because of YOU. Dad, if you would be so kind as to have this idiot locked in the same looney bin as Marjorie?"
*"In case you haven't noticed, the Johnson Paramilitary has been put back on war footing and is now fortifying the Washington DC area, in response to chatter about another insurrection at the Capitol to overthrow my dad and inaugurate Trump for a second, lifelong term. I am not in DC, but I am monitoring the situation closely. To you assholes who intend to storm the Capitol again, all Johnson Paramilitary members have orders to shoot to kill. YOU WILL DIE IF YOU COME TO THE CAPITOL WITH HOSTILE INTENTIONS. And to you, Trump, I don't know if you've noticed, but Iowa is once again holding position near Mar-A-Lago, ready to glass it at a moment's notice."
===March===
*"This is a notice to you idiots partying in Florida: mask up and social distance, or the Johnson Paramilitary will round you up and put you in camps until it's your turn to be vaccinated. You don't think we can't do that? It's in our charter."
===April===
*(After Georgia passed a new law restricting voting rights) "Don't make me come down there, you punks!"
*(After hearing about the "Greater Idaho" proposal) "You'll have to fight the Johnson Paramilitary to get those counties, you despoilers of democracy!"
*(Upon hearing of the shooting at the VTA light rail yard) "A mass shooting? IN JOHNSON'S HOMETOWN?! IS THIS WHAT THE SECOND FUCKING AMENDMENT WAS WRITTEN FOR?! "
*"Johnson is helping VTA in the aftermath of this act of terror. Not only is a donation being made to the families of the victims, for the next several days, while the investigation is ongoing at the light rail yard, Continental Rail will be running all services with our own PCC streetcars alongside our own streetcar lines in the South Bay."
*(After Michael Flynn called for a Myanmar-style coup) "The Johnson Paramilitary is now at DEFCON 2. Thank you, Mr. Flynn, for giving me an excuse to deploy our new Dragon Tanks. Why are they called Dragon Tanks? I suggest playing as China in Command & Conquer: Generals to see what they can do, because our Dragon Tanks do the exact same thing. In other words: ANYONE WHO PARTICIPATES IN ANY COUP AGAINST MY FATHER AND HIS LEGALLY-ELECTED GOVERNMENT WILL BE DROWNED IN FLAMES!!!!"
*"Trump's GOP are the ultimate hypocrites. They claim the Democrats stole the election, and what are they trying to do? Steal the presidency while playing the Wounded Gazelle Gambit card. This is why Trump's GOP needs to be illegalized as an extremist group."
*(After hearing Derek Chalvin has been charged and sentence to prison for the death of Geroge Floyd) "Bye bye!"
*"Contrary to what Macy Gray says, the flag should never be changed unless extra stars are added or there are too many. Now some people are out to cancel our own flag. Pathetic."
*"Hey, pro-lifers! Now that my dad is calling for Congress to codify Roe v. Wade into law, all you pro-lifers can go EAT A DICK! Same goes for the bigoted transphobes and homophobes out there, since my dad is also calling for them to codify LGBT+ rights!"
*(After Absolute Proof won the Golden Raspberry Award for Worst Picture) "That settles it, Mike! You completely failed to prove the election was rigged and now you've got an award for it! Consider any further partnerships between Johnson Industries and MyPillow Incorporated cancelled! Like we ever had any, anyway..."
*(After Pearson Sharp said election "traitors" should be executed) "The Johnson Paramilitary is coming to arrest you. No joke. The charter that formed the Johnson Paramilitary back in 1982 says we can arrest anyone we view as a threat to national security, and you are the first person we've EVER exercised that right on. You should feel honored."
===July===
*(After Cori Bush's tweet on July 4) "People are trying to cancel America on her birthday! Listen, Senator Bush, have you ever heard of the civil rights movement or the Obama presidency? This is a MASSIVE example of some politicians showing contempt for the VERY COUNTRY THEY LIVE IN. As for Touré, America was founded NOT because the hated British were abolishing slavery, but because they saw the colonists as only good to exploit for resources. Have you NOT heard about the 1619 project that tried to push this "America was founded on slavery and the Revolution was fought to protect slavery" narrative, but failed spectacularly? Of course not. Read this article by The Atlantic about the whole thing. I love America, my wife, sister and sister-in-law, and my parents love America, and my family loves America, and tonight, we're celebrating with some good old-fashioned fireworks, barbecuing, and having one hell of a good time. #July4th"
*(Upon the 2021 Cuban protests) "The Cuban people don't deserve to be trampled on."
*(During the 2021 Mexico–United States border crisis) "TBA."
*(In response to Ron DeSantis threatening to withhold salaries from educators who enforce mask mandates) "Aaaaand you're under arrest for being a threat to national security. And I will see to it a Democratic governor replaces you, you BLOATED SACK OF PROTOPLASM."
*"The Johnson Paramilitary will NOT recognize any result in the California recall election besides one that keeps Newsom in office. If a Republican wins, we WILL arrest him/her for sedition. The GOP will NEVER seize power in California, not while I'm still Johnson CEO. Call me an insurrectionist, if you dare, but I'm saving California from those who would ignore science in favor of allowing conservative TWITS to prolong this pandemic under the excuse of 'freedom'."
*"And so once again, the day is saved, thanks to the sanity of the Californians!"
*"SO HELP ME, IF YOU DON'T RAISE THE DEBT CEILING, I WILL KILL THE ENTIRE GOP WITH MY BARE HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
*"Let me be perfectly clear: MySpace had NOTHING to do with the Facebook outage. My main concern today was watching the radar at Talladega (at least the Los Angeles Times 500 at Ontario will give the original Strictly Stock Car an epic sendoff. Hopefully.). No, this was the work of Anonymous, in response to the recent whistleblower report."
*"A reminder for as many people to keep on voting as possible, particularly in non-Presidential election years. If you're a Democrat like I am, don't just let my Dad's victory make you think you've done enough for the country. I'm sensing that the MAGA Army is getting even worse and more powerful by the second."
*(Upon hearing of the Republican (and Trump-endorsed) Glenn Youngkin winning the election for Governor in Virginia) "Now, this goes out to all of the people in Virginia who didn't want Glenn Youngkin to win the election for Governor but didn't vote; WHY DIDN'T YOU VOTE?! Did you think that just because of my dad winning the last Presidential election and because of your state having been a blue state for several years now that you don't have to worry about voting and that others will do it for you?! THAT ISN'T HOW IT WORKS, YOU IDIOTS! You people really need to vote. If you don't vote, God help you; you're pushing Trump's Republican Army closer to winning your state's elections. If you could prove that you're strong enough to defeat them by voting for my dad in 2020, then I know that you could've defeated them again by having voted this year. You people really disappoint me."
*"Just took my first-ever COVID test after waking up with a scratchy throat this morning. Don't worry, it's negative. I'm pretty sure myself, Chloe, Belle, and Jenny got it during our most-recent inspection of Disneyland last week."
*"To Marjorie Taylor Greene, who's endorsed a suggestion that anyone moving from a blue state to a red one should be disenfranchised from voting for a time, I've heard of wars started over less than that."
*"Dad...please...Ukraine ain't worth it. Just let Putin have his way this one time. I think he's genuinely insane regarding Ukraine, to the point he's willing to use nukes. Just let a non-state actor (i.e. the Johnson Paramilitary) handle it."
==2022==
===January===
* "On January 6, all flags will be lowered at half-mast to mark the one-year anniversary of the attempted coup on the Capitol. Dad will also have guards ready in case a repeat of the attack is planned."
*"Well, today is January 6, 2022. My dad will give Trump and all his friends the ass-kicking they deserve through his speech at the Capitol for what Trump did on that day. Trump is a CRIMINAL. Period."
*"Crazy to think it has been one year to the day that our last U.S. president. Donald, J, FUCKING, Trump, thankfully left us, and now we have our new president, my father. We took out the mess caused by what Mr. Dump did during the four years of chaos of our country, all because of HIMSELF. Those Republicans who support Trump had no idea of the extremely horrid shit he made during his term, and they think he did a good job, which is a lie. THOSE Republicans are liars about what Donald Trump did, and I agree with those Trump haters about how bland said Republicans are. So, since it's a year now, I'll never forget this one perfect day that we got rid of Mr. Dump out of the office and replace with the much better president we currently have today."
*"I've said it before and I'll say it again: WINDMILLS. DO NOT. CAUSE HARM."
===February===
*"Seen people throwing a fit about Minnie Mouse wearing pants recently. Ever hear of Totally Minnie, where she wore pants without backlash? Or one of the Disney cruise lines featuring her in pants, again without backlash? Quite frankly one of the stupidest things I've seen people complain about. But then again, welcome to 2022... And what makes this especially ridiculous is that those people are acting like it's permanent even though it's only for 31 DAYS. Out of 365. As part of the 30th anniversary of Disney's Fantasy Adventure. Then again, I shouldn't be all that surprised, as a lot of people REALLY seem to hate change. There are times when I wouldn't blame them all that much, like when Petco changed their logo a few years back, but this?! Come on…"
*(After the Burkina Faso coup) "Don't make me come over there, you punks!" 
*"We will NOT let the Russians trample Ukraine or do Stalin proud. That KGB bastard Putin is gonna pay for this. Dad will issue CRIPPLING, and I mean, CRIPPLING sanctions to the guy. And hopefully Putin is forced to watch that South Park scene where Stephen Stotch grounds him like how Saddam Hussein was reportedly forced to watch Bigger, Longer & Uncut while imprisoned."
*"The fact that Trump's continuing to defend Vladdy boy here even though Putin's already in the process of destroying Ukraine is grounds for him being sent to Gitmo."
*"The Johnson Paramilitary is currently in Ukraine. 450,000 of our troops stand ready to resist Putin's 190,000 brainwashed drones. Better yet: we're considered a non-state actor, so there's nothing Putin can threaten with nukes. Your quest to become Tsar Putin I ends here. And if you try to use nukes, remember that we know every single code that was, is, or will be, and can hack into any nuclear weapon to either force it to fizzle or outright disarm it and turn it into a useless hunk of metal. Here's a fun fact: the Johnson Paramilitary has never been deployed abroad until now. My father (now president) considered deploying it to the Middle East in the days following 9/11, calling it Operation: Louise's Fury (you get three guesses as to the meaning, and the first two don't count). We took it when Putin invaded Georgia and Crimea in his bid to establish a new Soviet Union. As for our Russian operations, those will all be paused until the Putin regime is overthrown. And I mean everything. From Cartoon Network to McDonald's and Coke, to all our theatrical and streaming releases, all those will be pulled from Russia during this war until Putin is completely out of power. We will NOT TAKE an invasion that could spark World War III. We took it when they took Crimea, but this exposes Putin's true colors to the world. Deep down, he's just a pathetic old man with an unholy mix of a misguided nostalgia for the Soviet Union and a lust for power, who can't even trust his own inner circle. His precious security apparatus can't save him, either. To those in Russia who are against its invasion of Ukraine; we are sorry. We at least hope you understand why we are doing this."
*(In a televised speech shortly after Russia commenced the invasion of Ukraine) "Today is the end of the new Soviet Russia. The end of a state which acquiesces to disorder. At this very moment, in his stronghold of Moscow, Vladimir Putin LIES TO THE WORLD, while secretly planning a full occupation of Ukraine AND supporting the treachery of the loathsome Donald J. Trump. These war machines which we have accumulated since 1982 will bring an end to their senate, to their cherished drug money. ALL REMAINING OBLASTS WILL BOW BEFORE THE JOHNSON PARAMILITARY, AND WILL REMEMBER THIS AS THE LAST DAY OF THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (Tim later stated that this speech was paraphrased from that made by General Hux in an early script of Star Wars: The Force Awakens when the First Order's superweapon was a planet-based phantom energy weapon called "Starkiller Base" instead of the Eclipse; this was changed due to Tim calling Starkiller Base "a glorified Death Star", and wanting to do more with Ilum in post-The Force Awakens media)
*(Upon commencement of Johnson Paramilitary operations in Ukraine) "Ladies and gentlemen, Russian shooting season is now. No limits, no quotas, no prize rules for submarines. And most importantly: have fun!"
*(After Putin put nuclear forces on alert) "Do it. I DARE YOU. You know DAMN WELL we at Johnson can brute-disarm any nuclear weapon past and present."
*"Operations in Ukraine for the Johnson Paramilitary are going very, very well. The Iowa-class battleships have decimated the Russian Black Sea Fleet (without any escorts, I might add), and our submariners are currently in the midst of "Die Glückliche Zeit" (which is German for "The Happy Time", which was used by German U-boat captains during World War II to describe the significant successes they experienced against Allied shipping during two separate periods; don't say you never learn anything from me on here). Putin wouldn't be threatening the world with nuclear weapons if things weren't going his way; only a failed leader would resort to nuclear weapons. I would like to reiterate that Johnson can and will brute-disarm any nuclear weapons that may be launched. I also wanted to keep this a secret until after Putin was deposed and safely rotting in Gitmo with Trump, but thanks to certain back-channels running their mouths off on Twitter, I may as well just confirm it: after the war criminal Putin and his "administration" are out, we will be installing Grand Duke George Mikhailovich as the new Tsar of Russia. He is fully-cooperative and has promised to reform Russia along western lines, including getting Russia into NATO to counter North Chinese aggression. One day, Russia will be known not for its authoritarianism, military power, or oligarchy, but rather, its history, culture, women (did you know Belle has quite a bit of Russian in her? I guess you could say I have a hot Russian wife), and borscht. But mostly their borscht (you never know, we might serve borscht at ShowBiz Pizza Place when this is all said and done)."
===March===
*"Despite what those corrupt Florida politicians want, we will continue to encourage our studios to make more LGBTQA+ content as they want."
*"Reminder: Just because Russia is a dictatorship disguised as a democracy DOES NOT MEAN anyone has the right to discriminate against Russian people, many of whom are opposed to Putin, nor should Russian culture be obliterated. Jesus, this reminds me of when people with Japanese blood were sent to internment camps during World War II just because the Japanese government was fighting the Allies, and as far as Americans during WWII were concerned, anyone who was Japanese may have cheered during the Pearl Harbor attack when such a view was clearly guided by the racist views of the time. Good thing my dad has no intention of doing ANYTHING resembling Executive Order 9055."
*"Future generations will officially remember Putin alongside the names Caligula, Hitler, Trump, Mussolini, Tojo, Castro, Chavez, Maduro, Xi, Mao, Gadaffi, Hussein, bin Laden, Mugabe, Akhenaten, Napoleon, the Argentinian juntas, etc. as crazed power-hungry tyrants (I didn't include Kim Il-sung on that list because he turned his life around quite nicely after Hudson Harbor; the chicken nuggets served at his family's restaurant chain are to DIE FOR). They're all cut from the same cloth."
*"The fact that Putin's stooped as far as bombing hospitals and theaters where innocent families are taking shelter proves that he's more than happy to commit war crimes and then hide behind his nuclear weapons to avoid the consequences. And he's happily coming out as a manipulative, intense, opportunistic sociopath to the entire world."
*"To Russian "president" Vladimir Putin (or should I say Vladimir Hitler): if you ever try to STAGE A NUCLEAR ATTACK, not only will you have committed a war crime that violates the Geneva Convention (which, by the way, Russia signed back when you weren't there to turn it into the new Soviet Union), and having dug your own grave, but you have also earned a public execution, a bloody torture at the hands of your people, and the distinction of having inspired a brand-new Detective Jenny villain (it's true, I used you as the basis for this villain, who will make his debut in an upcoming episode this season)."
*"The Ukrainians will be supplied with some of the Johnson Paramilitary's best tools. Weapons, vehicles, aircraft, anti-ship systems, you name them. My dad has even called for a no-fly zone in Ukraine; even if some people may claim it will trigger World War III, it won't be an issue so long as we brute-disarm enough Russian nukes. Pretty soon, Putin will have to respect the US Government's authority (check that, RESPECT OUR AUTHORI-TAH!)."
*(As a response to Oleg Matveychev calling for the US to return all assets acquired or seized from Russia, such as the state of Alaska and Fort Ross, California) "YOU GET NOTHING! YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY, SIR!"
*"Vladdy boy here is spouting language that Hitler would've used. Seriously, "cleansing the nation"? With my paramilitary and my dad's military, Putin shall not live to see another day! He has paid a price for his lack of heart OR soul. Now, Vladimir V. Putin, for committing war crimes such as genocide, manipulation, and arresting or murdering your political opponents, you and your fascist regime will both come to a fitting end. Good luck with your last days on this earth, hiding in your happy little world..."
*"When Putin is taken out, we WILL get Brittney Griner back into the US and back into basketball. They're clearly holding her hostage (on frivolous charges) and trying to use her as blackmail to try and get my dad to capitulate. My dad will prioritize the repatriation of all wrongfully detained American citizens in Russia, not just Ms. Griner. I know the charges are fake because of the timing (meaning she can easily be used as a bargaining chip) and the fact that she's a lesbian (i.e. one of the kinds of people Putin hates, and doesn't even see as people but as things), as well as the fact that Russian security forces have planted drugs on people to make false arrests so Putin can silence them, and I know that the media is no better for trying to report on the narrative, implying her to be some sort of drug kingpin. To Ms. Griner's family, and to the WNBA, you really need to take action."
*(Upon hearing of Alexei Navalny's extended prison sentence) "Between jailing and/or murdering his opponents and crippling the Russian free media, Putin's no longer even pretending he's anything BUT a dictator. He LOVES it, he's PROUD of it, he's a sociopath with zero redeeming qualities. Stalin would've taken him in as a protege. Johnson Paramilitary has now made further advances towards the Kremlin, meaning we're another step closer to taking that war criminal out. And if he gets shot by an LGBT+ officer, make it a nice little bit of poetic justice."
*"As my dad said at the G7 summit, Putin will deeply regret EVERYTHING he's done in the over 20 years he's been in power. Also, with my dad calling for NATO to conduct an emergency induction of Ukraine, that oughta send a message to the Kremlin."
*"Stealing all our trademarks from Russia is a real dick move. We'll make sure your attempts at creating a bootleg McDonald's restaurant don't make it to storefronts."
*(Upon hearing of Florida's passage of the "Don't Say Gay" bill) "As someone whose twin sister is part of the LGBTQ+ community, let's just say Chloe and Jen have created a new version of Whack-a-Mole. Its name: Whack-a-DeSantis (even Aaron Fechter approved of it). Because Ron DeSantis is a closed-minded bigot, along with any pro-Trump politician. They're out to roll back decades of LGBTQ+ acceptance and perpetuate all the old derogatory claims such as "oh all gays are pedophiles", "oh all trans people are creeps", "oh all LGBTQ+ people need mental help", and my personal favorite, "God hates f*gs", as said by all those Bible-thumpers who take the Bible out of context to suit their own lust for power and control. I have no problems with Christianity, far from it (even if I myself am not very religious due to my being a man of science who wants hard, scientific proof of the existence of higher powers), but I do have problems with Christians who aren't good Christians, as well as those who use their religion to cheat others out of their cash and/or make wildly incoherent claims, such as Jim Bakker, Pat Robertson, Peter Popoff, and Scientology as a whole."
*"I should also point out that, if we succeed at taking Putin out of power, Lukashenko is beyond screwed."
*"Rejecting a peace note by threatening to "thrash" its sender is yet another reason why Putin has "fascist tyrant" written all over him."
*"We will not accept Putin's claims of de-escalation. He's proven time and time again that he'll lie to get his way, and we've fallen into his trap too many times."
===April===
*"Remember, people: just because Putin's forces are retreating from Kyiv doesn't mean he's planning on diplomacy (though it is an admission of reality)."
*"FINALLY! Trump admits he lost! Even if he decides he wants to roll back his statement, it won't matter in the end."
*"Dad will strike down that Tennessee bill allowing people to marry minors if it passes. Just like he's had to do to all those homophobic bills some Republicans have been passing lately because bible. Whoever proposed this bill is clearly a closeted NAMBLA member who faps to Cuties and would be GREAT pals with its director, Jared Fogle, and the late, not-so-great Jimmy Savile." (This post was accompanied by a photo of Stan Marsh from South Park facepalming.)
*"Good on the UN for kicking Russia out of the Human Rights Council. Now they need to kick them out of the Security Council, or at least reform it to get rid of the veto."
*"Vlad, your attempts at bullying Sweden and Finland out of joining NATO will not work. Fuck with them, and you fuck with NATO."
*"Oh, so now we're the bad ones? So you were "forced" to invade Ukraine? Well then. Give me at least twenty different examples of us being on the bad side in this. You know full well your people will listen to you no matter what lest they face massive reprisal, both for themselves and for others. You see them as sheep, you see them as OBJECTS, and you see them as LOWER THAN DIRT. The Johnson Paramilitary has made significant advances towards the Kremlin now, along with Ukrainian forces. I suggest you give up before you do anything foolish. If not, then we'll make you see the fatal consequences of your actions throughout over 20 years."
*"Any threats Putin or the Kremlin tries making against America will be DEALT WITH. America will NEVER CAPITULATE TO THAT MONSTER."
*"To Patriarch Kirill, blessing any war in which millions of innocent lives are taken, as well as using religion as a front to justify this, has officially earned you a special place in Hell. Congratulations."
*"Western sanctions on Russia only failed in YOUR happy little world, Vladdy boy. Our tanks are now at the Kremlin, and this is your last chance. You can walk away, or we'll make you."
*"Bold of that Russian general to assume the Russians can successfully invade Moldova after Ukraine. The Johnson Paramilitary has never been closer to taking that fascist Putin out."
*"Nice way to project your own false-flags and provocations onto us and Ukraine, Vladdy boy. I swear, any bad things you accuse us of doing are almost guaranteed to be your doings. This is your last chance, Putin. Give up... or we'll make you. Take your pick, preferably with the Jeopardy! thinking music."
*"We will NOT STOP SENDING WEAPONS TO UKRAINE until Putin is gone. Putin started this conflict in the first place, and both he and his good buddies are deliberately trying to project themselves onto us and claim we're escalating it to make themselves look good. The only reason Russian people are standing with him is because they know they'll be sent to a gulag."
*"If the Kremlin gives the Brits a "proportional response" for "provoking" Ukraine to attack (as if Putin really were a victim as he brainwashed his people into thinking), then they made a FATAL MISTAKE."
*"If you ask me, all the nuke hysteria when it comes to Russia is misguided. Russia WANTS you to think they can use nukes. They don't even want you to know its invasion of Ukraine is a war. Their plan is to instill fear to scare the West from supplying Ukraine, and the most effective solution: threaten nukes. Is this the Cold War again or what?"
===May===
*"Contrary to what the Kremlin wants you to think, NO, HITLER WAS NOT JEWISH. If he did, why did he order the deaths of 6 million Jewish people? Maybe you oughta do some research before you decide to fib, Sergei."
*"If Roe v. Wade is overturned, prepare to see the ROP (since "Good Old Party" is what "GOP" stands for, and they've become more like a "Repressive Old Party") roll back a whole range of rights: LGBTQ+ (which they're already trying to roll back since they've been scared of change since the 1950s), women's rights, any race other than Caucasian, and non-Christian religions. And when that happens, I will order the Johnson Paramilitary to destroy the Republican Party and stomp out conservatism in this country, because it's clear to me that the only thing the modern Republicans want is the Fourth FUCKING Reich. Such a shame."
*"Guess what? I've tested positive for COVID-19. Chloe, Belle, and Jenny have tested positive, too. We're all isolating and in good spirits. But you know who won't be in good spirits? Trump, because the Johnson Paramilitary is coming to his Mar-a-Lago resort to arrest his ass for creating the conditions that allowed me to get COVID in the first place!"
*"Unsurprising that Ben Shapiro would call on the SCOTUS to roll back protections on gay marriage. He's been raised to believe that marriage is for making babies and that it should always be between a man and a woman. I'm a hair away from having the Johnson Paramilitary on his doorstep to arrest his sorry ass like I did to Trump yesterday for causing me to test positive for COVID."
*"Domestic. Supply. Of infants. THIS IS NOT FUCKING GILEAD!!!!!!!!!! Unborn infants aren't even legally ALIVE; there's NO way to KILL an unborn infant! Seriously, show me the birth certificate of a fetus! Jesus…"
*"To all those liberals who partake in public services such as police and firefighting who have to deal with conservative dicks with such awful motherfucking beliefs, tell them that they have serious issues."
*"So apparently, that guy who said those things was not a part of the FDNY. I should've known. That doesn't mean there aren't conservative assholes in fire departments, though, nor does it mean they aren't in police departments and the like."
*"Remember Vlad, attacking any NATO country (which WILL include Finland and Sweden once it's all done) is as good as attacking all of NATO. But I suppose you'll spin me as a Nazi."
*(After Erdogan's criticism of Finland and Sweden's plans to join NATO) "You better NOT make the Johnson Paramilitary come over there, Erdogan. Accusing peaceful countries of hosting terrorists despite backing a well-known terrorist group in Hamas, using NATO membership to get away with blatant human rights abuses and bullying other countries, and now using NATO membership to try and undermine NATO so your best buddy Putin can get his way. You know what? NATO needs to EXPEL Turkey from NATO until that terrorist Erdogan, his great pals, and his party are all DONE AWAY WITH. If not, they're CAPITULATING TO HIM. Hell, it wouldn't surprise me if Erdogan is kowtowing Putin in return for Putin helping to rebuild the Ottoman Empire. Nobody I know wants the Ottomans back..."
*"Will somebody please get Greene out of office for basically admitting she doesn't care about any non-American country?"
*"Trump declared victory before my dad did. What makes him think "Dr." Oz (seriously, I won't call him a real doctor because his doctorate has needed to be revoked for years due to his actions as a snake oil TV barker, and calling him a doctor is a flaming fuck-you to every good doctor that has ever lived; Oprah oughta be ashamed of herself for giving this quack a platform in the first place) can successfully do so?"
*"If it's true that Trump supported hanging Pence during the 1/6 riots AND was serious about this, then I'm 110% rooting for Pence to win the 2024 Republican nomination (since he's one of the few sane Republicans left at this point, though I obviously still support my father for re-election), and 125% rooting for Trump to rot in a maximum-security prison."
*"I hope Kissinger isn't pro-Putin. Giving up territory to Russia is something only a WEAK leader would do."
*"Remember, NATO countries, Russia would be LETHALLY STUPID to attack any NATO country. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. And to Putin and his allies, as I told you before, ATTACKING ANY NATO COUNTRY IS AS GOOD AS ATTACKING ALL OF NATO."
*"Replacement. Theory. Is not. REAL. The fact that the BOP isn't denouncing that language from that shooter is another sign that the BOP needs MASSIVE change. How did they get this low?! HOW?!"
*(Upon hearing of the Robb Elementary School shooting in Uvalde, Texas) "It just disgusts me that anybody would ever think of killing children. It also disgusts me that certain politicians (whose rhetoric likely motivated the shooter in the first place) would do anything BUT the right thing (i.e., repealing the Second Amendment, which is a relic of a bygone era, or taking full responsibility), such as PROPOSING TO ARM TEACHERS."
===June===
*"Conservatives and TER!feminazis screeching "WhAt iS a WoMaN" evidently don't know how to operate Wiktionary."
*(Upon Billy Long blaming mass shootings on abortions) "...you can't be this stupid. It's not allowed."
*"At this point, calling those Texan ROP politicians "clowns" is an insult to actual clowns. Clowns who've worked hard to entertain kids like Bozo and Loonette, as well as those horrifying kinds of clowns such as the Joker or Pennywise/It. Because A: if you secede, you risk Civil War II. And B: how, in what way, shape or form, is homosexuality "abnormal"? Welcome to the 21st century. At this point, I don't even know if I want to hold the Fireside Circus Parade this year; over the years, our parade lineup has been getting more and more deplorable to the point where things just stop being funny to me... …gonna have to make up my mind soon… "
*"Dad, please do whatever you can to get that corrupt Thomas expelled from the bench. Same for the other ROP justices, Barrett, Gorsuch, those liars too. It's absolutely INSANE Thomas' opinion gets to be heard at all, and he and his family are complicit in an attempt at overthrowing the government."
*"Soon, the Supreme Court will go after LGBT+ rights, then women's rights, contraception, interracial marriage (fun fact: Clarence Thomas is married to a white woman, so he's a complete hypocrite through and through), the whole nine yards. Please, just please, do NOT LET THE REPUBLICANS SEIZE POWER. Because if they do, none of them will like the new government my revolution will create to completely remake this country into a model of progressivism and social democracy!"
*"Say goodbye to your stupid little conservative majority, since my dad is expanding and packing the Supreme Court."
*(Upon hearing of Trump hosting the Save America rally in Mendon, Illinois) "I thought it was over... …fuck, what kind of a fool am I?! Of course it isn't over! Of course Trump and his precious ilk are still trying to rule over our country! I wish not, but unfortunately, not even wishing upon a star could make that a reality, so you know what? I guess we should keep fighting him until he's dead! And hopefully the nightmare will be over, once and for all…"
*"Cornyn is a white supremacist. That's all that needs to be said about that man--I mean, person, because he ain't a man."
*"ROP (Repressive Old Party) Justices, you know there's this new thing called "separation of church and state" in the Constitution, right? Never mind, y'all have the mindset of televangelists."
*"Now that my dad has nominated Jacqueline Scott Corley and Trina Thompson, the ROP's domination in the Supreme Court will soon be over yet."
===July===
*"The City of Orlando apparently doesn't want to celebrate our Independence Day… …FOR WHAT? Is it about our country's flaws? Let's not forget that they don't have to stop one from celebrating the country in which they call home!"
*(Upon hearing about a Richmond, Virginia resident helping law enforcement thwart a mass shooting) "Well, would you look at this. A citizen of Richmond, VA overheard of a mass shooting being planned, called the police, and helped them thwart it. Well done. [Andy Helmsburgh's grandfather] would be proud. Really proud. I salute both you and the Richmond Police Officers who you helped."
*(Upon hearing of Shinzo Abe being assassinated) "Shit. Representative Shinzo Abe (R-CH), who helped South China protect itself from being harassed by North China, and was one of the few good Republicans, is dead."
*"God, kill me already... North China JUST FUCKING CELEBRATED THE DEATH OF SHINZO ABE BY USING ELECTRONIC MUSIC!!! DOES SCIENCE, STUPID NINTENDO GAMES AND THREE HOUR RANTS EVEN EXPLAIN THIS?!"
*"Justice Bradley of Wisconsin, YOU STACK NO PAPER AND GET NO BITCHES. You and your ilk are further degrading our country by aiding Trump in his quest to illegitimately reclaim the presidency."
*"The Internet Archive is NOT violating any copyrights. Archival and preservation are FAIR USE. Go on, try to sue them, you'll be laughed out of court."
*(Upon the death of Ivana Trump) "She will be dearly missed. She was too good for that creep, and I'm glad she was able to get out eventually."
*"Cruz abandoned his own state and left his people to freeze during a snowstorm. No surprise that he wants to make it illegal to be any sexuality but straight; doesn't he know my dad already had LGBT+ rights codified into law? Can someone please get that homophobe and all-around villain out of politics and into a straitjacket?"
*(Upon hearing Sheldon Johnson, Jr tests positive for COVID-19) "HOW LUCKY! First, our previous "president" Macky Donald J. Trombones, who got COVID nearly two years ago (even though it's karma for his mishandling of COVID), now, my dad! I have a feeling that everyone who works at his businesses are gonna laugh HYSTERICALLY when they stumble upon this, being the horrible monster that he is."
*(Upon finding out about Josh Hawley fleeing the Capitol from rioters on January 6th, 2021, hours after the photo of him with his fist raised was taken) "COWARD."
*"Everybody, my dad, my sister, her wife, my wife and I encourage ALL of you to get a vaccine to protect yourself against monkeypox. And I'd also like to say to you that, contrary to what SOME PEOPLE IN POWER SAY, monkeypox is NOT, and I repeat NOT sexually transmitted. I've got a whole rant about those politicians on tonight's Fireside Chat. In addition Chloe's already got her own rant out as well. Because THOSE LEECHES have learned NADA from a certain crisis from over 40 years ago."
*(The following is a transcript of Tim's rant on the July 31, 2022 episode of Fireside Chat) "TBA" 
=== August ===
*(Upon hearing that that al-Qeada leader Ayman al-Zawahiri was killed by U.S. strike) "First, we got Osama Bin FUCKING Laden in May 2, 2011, now, we just got Ayman al-fucking-Zawahiri! TBA"
*(Upon hearing that Indonesia had banned several US websites, including Johnson-owned Steam and PayPal) "KOMINFO, you better back the fuck down before I send the Johnson Paramilitary over there and hand your lands back over to the Dutch."
*(Upon hearing of Britney Griner's prison sentence) "How many more times is that dictator Putin gonna prove how corrupt he is? Nine years over half a gram? Only a matter of time before we THROW PUTIN'S CORPSE TO THE FUCKING FIRES OF HELL!!!!"
*(Upon hearing that the FBI raids Donald Trump's Mar-A-Lago Golf Club) "Dear Mr. Dump, here's some fucking great news for you: Your Mar-A-Lago club has been taken over by the FBI for your evidence! HA-HA!"
*"Fargo School Board just voted to drop the Pledge of Allegiance in their schools? Okay, maybe the ‘Under God' part (which was only added anyway because the Soviet Union was athiest and America thought athiesm was inherently "sacrilege") could be attracting controversy, but come on…"
*(Upon hearing of the car bombing that killed Putin supporter Darya Dugina) "And nothing of value was lost."
*"Guess what, Chaya Raichik, creator of "Libs of TikTok"? Since you dared to attack CHILDREN'S HOSPITALS, I'm arresting you."
*(Upon hearing of the death of Mikhail Gorbachev) "Godspeed, you magnificent bastard. You were one of the very few good Communists."
*(Upon hearing Ukrainian town called Vysokopillya have raised their Ukraine flag on the top of a hospital roof) "With the help of the Johnson Paramilitary, Ukrainian forces are winning.... and Putin will soon be left to kiss Zelenskyy's ass."
*(Upon hearing of the death of Queen Elizabeth II) "The last time I saw Her Majesty was at the opening of the Elizabeth Line (Crossrail) back in May. She was in very high spirits, and was excited to see me and my family; in fact, I once recall hearing her say that the Johnsons were her "favorite American family" (don't quote me on that). Now, here we are. That I lived to see this day..."
*(Upon hearing of Trump having made a surprise flight to the Dulles International Airport near Washington, D.C. on September 11th, 2022) "I have a feeling that this isn't going to end well… …who for, though? I have no idea. Gotta keep our hopes low in case they don't end well for us."
*"…he's just… …golfing?! No, wait, it isn't even really golfing per se; he didn't even bring any golf clubs, because of course he didn't. He's an idiot."
*"Oh look, I see the Russian military just mistakenly bombed their own positions in Balakleya! Looks like they might lose even more!"
*"I just returned from Washington. While there, I met with my dad regarding the looming nationwide rail strike, and we have come up with a plan: if the strike occurs, Continental Rail will operate ALL services on ALL affected railroads. This plan will involve Continental Rail crews running the trains, using our own locomotives where possible, and we'll most likely have to use the locomotives of other railroads. Note that this strike will only affect the Lower 48; Eastern Pacific will continue running as normal. How is it that my employees aren't party to the strike? The answer is simple: we already have a good budget surplus, so we reinvest a good portion of it into paying our employees well. In turn, none of our employees are members of any unions, and have the highest morale of any company."
*"Just got off the phone with my dad. The strike is looking more and more likely. So, he and the Dems are drafting an emergency bill to nationalize all Class I railroads and have Continental Rail operate them in a manner similar to how we've been operating British Rail since 1963. I don't wanna hear ANY OF YOU cry nepotism, because this is the only way to preserve the supply chain! The unions are stubborn, and the other Class I railroads are run by idiots who only care about pleasing Wall Street and redirecting money to their hedgefunds! Not only that, but they implemented Precision Scheduled Railroading (PSR) because Wall Street investors demand lower and lower operating ratios! Continental Rail has never used PSR, and never will, simply because we don't need it; our network makes plenty of money already. God, between this, the Queen's death, and my bunny being diagnosed with leukemia (which is apparently rare in a bunny), it feels like the world is falling apart again like it was in March 2020 (at least Russia is getting its ass kicked and, according to the World Health Organization, the end of the COVID pandemic is in sight)."
*"What DeSantis did with those immigrants is pure evil. He played with HUMAN LIVES for what? Political posturing. DeSantis BETTER NOT run in '24. Otherwise, if he wins, he'll destroy America. Reduce it to another tyrannical dictatorship. And force me to launch the Second American Revolution."
*"Ah, so MTG's husband has had quite enough of her shit. GOOD."
*(Upon hearing Putin plans to annex parts of Ukraine and has been making more overt nuclear threats) "You think that's gonna save you, baldy? Have you completely forgotten that we can disarm your warheads in flight and then destroy the launchers with pinpoint accuracy? When my soldiers march on Moscow, I'm gonna put you in a room with Ukrainians who lost family members to your war, and let them decide your fate."
**"On second thought, Putin, if you start a nuclear war, not only will you die, so will your friends Xi and Kim and everyone else, and your neo-fascist plot will die with you. NOBODY. FUCKING WINS. A FUCKING NUCLEAR WAR. Because if you do it, God will very likely storm into our world, and blame ALL of us like when Mrs. Marcus did when she blamed everyone at the end of It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World!"
*(After Putin's speech) "Amazing, everything you said was wrong. WE'RE not the neocolonial Satanists. YOU ARE. And to everyone concerned about Ukraine joining NATO and immediately triggering Article V, it's EXTREMELY unlikely to happen because NATO policy doesn't allow nations with outstanding border disputes to join lest NATO gets dragged into a shooting war. ESPECIALLY a shooting war with a nuclear state run by a madman."
*"I'd say Trump has a bigger death wish than McConnell will ever have. And insulting his wife directly is classic Trump."
*"To MTG, claiming that Democrats are "killing" Republicans is TOO FAR."
*(After North China launched a missile over Hokkaido) "Ah shit. Xi and his buddies like they're trying to start a fucking nuclear war. In fact, my dad will bring not just the Johnson Paramilitary, but also the fucking marines all over the Japanese Isles. If they start a war, then game over, Xi."
*"Vlad, Vlad, Vlad... Remember when you compared yourself to Peter the Great? HA! "Vlad the Pathetic" is what everybody everywhere will call you generations from now. Give. The fuck. Up."
*(After the destruction of the Kerch Bridge) "Ah, Vladdy boy, now your pride and joy has been destroyed. That connection between Russia and Crimea you told of, melting before your very eyes, and on your 70th birthday, no less. And all the while, your cult of personality falling apart like a Jenga tower. How 'bout you give up before somebody comes for blood--ah, it doesn't matter. Your ego has already been your undoing."
**"In fact... this could mean that many of Russian soldiers will unable to reach Crimea and the Ukrainian Force might bring their Crimea land back! I bet just $10 in American money that Meek Mill used to pray for incoming times like this."
*"So the Donald has attacked the American Jewish on Not-Twitter (that's what Truth Social should be called). Guess he really is a Nazi."
*(After Marjorie Taylor Greene's visit to the Wilder Monument) "Oh, Marge, Marge, Marge. You just honored the Union and not the Confederacy, you know that, don't ya? For someone who claims to protect our nation's history, you don't seem to know much about it."
*(After Liz Truss' resignation on October 20, 2022) "Good riddance, Truss. What a way for the Queen's line of Prime Ministers to go out!"
*"Despite what the right wants you to believe, there are no, I repeat, NO genital surgeries going on at Vanderbilt. But whatever, go on about how we're the "party of groomers" - it won't make us forget about Larry Craig, or Mark Foley, or Dennis Hastert, or ANY of the other Republicans who have been exposed as nonces."
*(After the attack on Paul Pelosi) "…I…I…I'm SORRY?!?!?!"
**"To the San Francisco Police Department, one simple request: GIVE THIS HOMICIDAL MANIAC WHO ALMOST MURDERED THE HUSBAND OF THE CURRENT SPEAKER OF THE UNITED STATES HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IN COLD BLOOD THE NOOSE. Yours in great fury, anyone who's not David DePape. #PutDownTheWeapon"
* "Congratulations, Lula. Now Brazil can finally be free of that menace. Seriously, Bolsonaro's the Donald Trump of Brazil, just without the real estate or reality TV part."
*(Upon hearing of various celebrities ranging from Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Pratt to Katy Perry and Snoop Dogg voting for former Republican Rick Caruso over Progressivist and lifelong Democrat Karen Bass in the 2022 Los Angeles mayoral election) "My God, that's a whole lot of people who either are implied to hate progress or simply just blindly voted for this candidate who at least at one point had such awful views. Such a fucking disappointment. Everyone who's a resident of LA and hasn't voted yet, please note that I really want for as many of you as possible to vote Karen Bass in the mayoral election. Please? We Progressivists actually want to change things for the better, while what DINOs like Rick Caruso want is equivalent in a way to setting the world on fire…"
*(Upon hearing of Ron DeSantis and Marco Rubio's victories in the 2022 midterm elections) "Well, it's official. Florida is a cracked-out hot mess. Here's to hoping that this doesn't apply to the rest of the nation."
*(Upon hearing of Greg Abbott's victory over Beto O'Rourke in the 2022 midterm elections) "I-HOW?! How the HELL did this fucking incompetent clown masquerading as a politician manage to actually WIN RE-ELECTION, even after the people of the state he supposedly represents literally witnessed THEIR KIDS GETTING SLAUGHTERED IN SCHOOL AND TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM BY FORCE AND THEIR NEIGHBORS FREEZING TO DEATH AND BEING FORCED TO CARRY OUT PREGNANCIES THAT THEY DIDN'T EVEN WANT?!?! - Oh wait, Texas is full of brainwashed sheeple who view Trump as the Second Coming of Christ, never mind. Glad to see you're not learning a damn thing, Republicans. Now here's a two-word message for all of you: (link to this video)" 
**"Also, to anyone who's reading this, you all better start preparing for the next episode of Fireside Chat, because it's NOT going to be pretty in the slightest..."
*(After hearing of Russian forces retreating from the city of Kherson) "Accept it, Putin. You'll never be Peter the Great. You're Nicholas II at this point. Your treatment of your people, and the way you've handled your invasion will be your entire legacy."
*"Face it, Donald. Your own party, your own media cheerleaders, they're turning on you for how badly your hand-picked candidates have lost (I will never forget Mehmet "Dr." Oz, in particular). How 'bout you don't run in 2024? Oh wait, you're gonna do it BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS WANT TO COMPENSATE FOR SOMETHING! Seriously, you take credit for DeSantis' rise, when he may have won despite you (20% lead in the midterms, while you won by 3.2% in 2020), and you need to accept that the GOP only considered you useful for getting them to the White House in the first place."
*After Donald Trump announced his candidacy for president in 2024, Tim posted the song "Alone & Forsaken" by Hank Williams.
*"Citizens of the United States of America, gather all of your troops, fortify your long-standing structures, and get ready to ratio like your life depends on it. Our long national nightmare has returned."
*"So you're willing to be bedfellows with white supremacists like Nick Fuentes, aren't ya Donny? No surprise there."
*After hearing Jiang Zemin passed away, Tim posted this clip from The Critic.
*(After hearing of Kanye West's appearance on InfoWars, where he claimed to see the good in people like Adolf Hitler) "Wow. I didn't think he could get any lower, but OH MY MAN. And to think I once regularly listened to this joke of a man's music. I've sent a memo over to the Spotify crew - they're yanking his entire discography off the platform as we speak. I'm done giving you the benefit of the doubt, Kanye. I really thought you'd be able to clean up your act, but as time has proven, you're apparently unable to. Go fuck yourself."
*(After mass protests sprang up across North China over "Zero-COVID" policies) "Now you know TRUE fear, Xi..."
*(After Donald Trump called for getting rid of the Constitution) "Do us all a favor and commit toaster bath."
*(After the plot to overthrow the German government was uncovered) "Don't make me come over there, you punks!"
*(After the attempted Peruvian self-coup) "You too, you punks! Don't make me take off my proverbial belt!"
*(After learning about the Patriotic Union) "Okay, so it turns out the plotters in Germany aren't Nazis, they're actually monarchists. Not as bad as I thought, but they probably wanted to rebuild the Hochseeflotte and start WWIII as a twisted continuation of WWI. Also, their plans to start a civil war in Germany wouldn't have worked, because that would've just brought the full might of NATO (and the Johnson Paramilitary) down on them."
*(After Brittney Griner was released in a prisoner swap) "Welcome home, Mrs. Griner."
*"Those GOP politicians who claim "oh, Brittney hates America just because she stood in protest during the National Anthem!" (she was protesting racial injustice), "oh, Brittney was a drug smuggler!" (Brittney was arrested for (accidentally) having vape cartridges in her luggage; it's not like she's part of some international drug cartel or anythin), and "oh, they chose Brittney over Paul Whelan!" (he's still in jail BECAUSE THE RUSSIANS WOULDN'T GIVE HIM UP and saw him as more important between them, not because the US chose Brittney over him; they're working as hard as they can to get him out as well, and even Paul's family doesn't blame the US for not being able to free them both) need a good look in the mirror."
*(After Elon Musk called for Anthony Fauci to be prosecuted) "Chloe and I have been kicking the idea of a hostile takeover of SpaceX around for sometime. With this insane comment, it has begun. Soon, Dragon, Falcon 9, and Starship will be Johnson Aerospace products (we'll still keep Antares and Jarvis around, though; we have our own space station going up early next year)."
*(After Elon Musk mostly denied being booed at a live Dave Chapelle show he made an appearance in) "Let me guess, you think that most of those people were saying "Moo-usk! Moo-usk!"? Yeah, life doesn't work that way…"
*"Admit it, Trump. You never got past the "denial" or "anger" stages of grieving after you lost. My dad would gladly sign any bill preventing you from ever running again, given that you tried to start an insurrection, and if your recent Truth Social post is any indication, you would happily do it again, and then claim the Dems were behind it to make you look bad."
*"Can't believe it's been 10 years since the date the Mayans said the world would end, the date that Roland Emmerich's film 2012 thought the world would end. HA! Another win for science and rationality!"
*"Just think, Vlad, Mr. Zelenskyy wouldn't be making his speech right now if you planned better."
*"Well, the Donald has certainly been a very naughty boy this year (and when isn't he one anyway?), and his latest speech confirms that he's getting truckloads of coal this year."
*"Southwest Air passengers deserved what they got for choosing the Wright Brothers' folly instead of reliable rail transportation. Seriously, Take the Train, Beat the Pain (tm)."
*"I can't believe it's been 100 years since the Soviet Union started. 100 years later, Putin has tried (and failed epically) to rebuild the Russian Empire because he always needs to compensate for something."
*(After hearing that a stack of pizza boxes in a video on Twitter where controversial Internet personality Andrew Tate responds to climate activist Greta Thunberg after having been roasted by her supposedly led to Tate's arrest) "What."
==2023==
===January===
* (After Matt Gaetz nominated Donald Trump to be Speaker of the House) "Since we seem to be nominating anyone now, I nominate Vermin Supreme for Speaker! Matt Gaetz is a fucking idiot..."
* "So it's been two years since Trump's supporters raided the Capitol. The one thing I will NEVER forgive any president for. He knew FULL WELL his words would cause his supporters to riot, and he didn't care one bit, so long as he got to remain in power and fulfill his wet dream of a fascist dystopia."
*"There have been FOURTEEN attempts to get a Speaker of the House. And still nothing. Wanna know what I think? This is all according to Trump's plan to paralyze the house so that they can't approve more aid to Ukraine. This plan of his won't work, because my own army's got boots on the ground over there, and Russian shooting season is still wide open!"
*(After hearing of a six-year-old child in Newport News shooting his teacher with a gun) "...they learn how to use a gun THIS early?! HOW ARE WE LIVING IN A SOCIETY WHERE THIS IS POSSIBLE?! THE SECOND AMENDMENT AND THE NRA HAVE GOT TO GO NOW!!!!!!"
*(Upon the death of George Pell on January 10, 2023) "Have fun burning in hell, ya child-diddling shrimp-dicked fuck nugget!"
*(Taking note of the widespread praise alleged-abuser Brad Pitt received at the 2023 Golden Globe awards) "This man is literally Harvey Weinstein 2: Electric Boogaloo…"
*"The FAA system failure reveals that the Wright Brothers' folly is no better than the Hindenburg. Do yourselves a favor and take the train."
*(After the Brovary helicopter crash) "Why does need to be investigated? It's obvious the helicopter was tampered with by Russian agents. Taking out high-ranking political figures like the Minister of Internal Affairs is something any nation would do during a war to sow disarray." 
*(After hearing the protests over the death of Tyre Nichols) "First George Floyd in 2020, now, we have Tyre Nichols in 2023. To those inept cops who killed him, I hope you rot in hell."
===February===
* "Well, perfect. The 2024 Republican primary has turned into a contest on who can limbo the lowest when it comes to trans rights and trans people. You can tell Trump's phoning one of his latest videos in. A second Trump term would be nothing short of DISASTROUS for LGBTQ+ people as a whole, not just trans."
*(After Sarah Huckabee Sanders' response to Sheldon Johnson Jr.'s 2023 State of the Union address) "You say the Democrats seek to take away our freedom for some 'woke agenda'. That is the most-hypocritical thing I have ever heard. The REPUBLICANS are the ones who want to take away our freedom in favor of a fascist, authoritarian regime where women are treated as property, minorities are, at best, treated as second-class citizens and, at worse, systematically exterminated in a new Holocaust, the rich live tax-free while the middle class pay an arm and a leg just to live, Central America is put in direct danger of invasion and subjugations, authoritarian regimes such as Russia are given free reign to start a new era of neo-imperialism, and we the people can do nothing without our cities being wiped out by our own nuclear weapons. In other words, Sarah, shut your fucking face, you traitorous bitch. Do you even know what 'woke' means?"
*(Responding to US Conservatives who complained about the country's Black National Anthem, "Lift Every Voice and Sing", being sung alongside its current National Anthem, "The Star-Spangled Banner", at the 2023 Super Bowl) "Amazing. And you don't even take any of your time to think about why the Black National Anthem is being sung alongside the original National Anthem in the first place. Well done. Now, if you want to know why the former is being sung alongside the latter, here's a tip for you Conservatives; perhaps take a look in the mirror?"
*(After learning about Team Jorge) "Matt, Trey, here's some material. Make Cartman do something funny."
*(Upon hearing of Marjorie Taylor Greene calling for a "national divorce") "Go ahead. Go start the fucking Confederacy all over again. Because things TOTALLY didn't go awry the last time our country did something like this; the fact that she says this on Presidents' Day while my father, THE President of the United States as I speak, is out in Ukraine says a lot about this…"
*(Upon hearing of Putin's attempt to suspened the New START) "You said you wouldn't start a nuclear arms race in your invasion. You can't be trusted."
*(Upon hearing of Kevin McCarthy giving Tucker Carlson footage from the 2021 Capitol attack) "Now watch News Nation alter the footage to their liking in order to continue the spread of their propaganda…"
*"How do you handle a visit to a place that's been greatly affected by a disaster? Which could've been prevented were it not for you and your friends' dismantling of protections and EPA powers? Simple: do not pull off your best Vince the ShamWow Guy impression and use your trip to shill your wares."
*"Now it's been a year since Bad Vlad tried compensating for something and began his six-day war on Ukraine."
*(After Scott Adams' comments against Black people) "Adams' comic had been going downhill for years, and he's already proven to be a piece of shit through and through. He's ENDORSING SEGREGATION in 2023."
===March===
*(Upon hearing of the #HersheysHatesWomen hashtag on Twitter) "Congrats, TERFs! You've officially managed to not only further cement your reputation as a pack of clowns, but in doing so, you've also proven that you don't give a shit about the welfare of women, and just want an excuse to rag on trans women. Now go royally fuck yourselves."
*"You'll have to take control of Reedy Creek from my cold, dead hands, DeSantis! I WILL remove you and your sycophantic lackies from power by violent means if I have to!"
*"You know what, since the red states have gotten so bad with these transphobic and homophobic laws and now rolling back child labor restrictions, my dad, along with Trudeau and AMLO, is starting a new Nuremberg Trial for their governors and legislators (for war crimes), as well as all the Trump-appointed SCOTUS judges (for crimes against human rights), Capitol rioters (for insurrection), and all of these who promoted NFTs, Web3, and their ilk (for crimes against the environment). After that, there will be a new Reconstruction. No, it won't be a "great reset" — the WEF is so hyped up, when in reality, they have no actual power to do anything. Think reconstruction, like after the Civil War."
*"To Donald J. Trump, who made the following statement, "No. We should support regime change in the United States, that’s far more important. The Johnson administration are the ones who got us into this mess.", I assure you that A: my dad is fully prepared for another January 6-type riot, B: Putin was the one who got us into this mess by invading Ukraine in the first place, not my dad, and C: you've said almost nothing but positive things regarding that fascist Putin and his equally fascist regime. In fact, I'm more than willing to bet you criticizing Putin was just a way to save face and make yourself look like a hero. Funny, for a guy who claims to respect America and hate the fascists, you got "America-hating fascist" written all over you."
*(Upon the ICC's issue of an arrest warrant for Putin and Maria Alekseyevna) "I would say this is good news, but this implies that Putin actually CAN be arrested. He's just gonna hide behind his nuclear arsenal like he always does."
*(Upon Trump calling for his supporters to protest on March 18, 2023) "My God. If this doesn't prove conclusively that Trump and his friends are evil, fascist tyrants (seriously, history will remember Trump alongside the names Hitler and Mussolini) who are paranoid of being "silenced" and would gleefully repeat the events of January 6 to reclaim power and install a new American dictatorship exactly like the one they claim my father and the Democrats are going for, I don't know what does. My father has heard about this, and needless to say, he is not happy. NOT. HAPPY." 
*"So I've heard that Trump is likely to be arrested after the recent evidence. If he is, then may he never be allowed to ruin America again."
*(In response to this) "Fucking hell..."
*"Uh, Donald, you realize that calling for death and destruction to happen if you get indicted will make it even more likely for you to rot in maximum-security prison, don't you? And that THREATENING A PROSECUTOR will only make things worse? Nah, you relinquished your last remaining grip on sanity when you lost the election, of course you won't listen."
*"I want you all to know that I 100% support the Internet Archive in their ongoing court case. Companies will always stoop low in order to keep making profits at everyone else's expense."
*(Upon hearing of Kanye West supposedly liking Jewish people again after having watched Jonah Hill in 21 Jump Street) "…I’m struggling to process this. Let me get this straight: he was once so anti-Semitic that he even praised Hitler, then he flips around and suddenly goes "Oh, I like Jewish people again" just because of one actor? At the end, he’s still an intense conservative who attended one of Trump's dinners.”
*(Upon the House passing its first national anti-trans youth bill, Tim posted this scene from The Ren & Stimpy Show episode "Sven Hoek".)
*"Now, look, I have zero ill will towards transgender people in general, especially not because of one person who supposedly identifies as trans having committed such an act, and none of you should, either. (I’m looking at you, TERFs and Republicans, who will probably now have more fuel for your anti-trans existence crusades, unfortunately…) I’m just really sick of how these shootings keep happening, and how all these politicians will do practically nothing about them. (Fun fact: most shooters are cis males.) My dad is about to make a statement on this soon."
*"I normally support liberation movements, like in Palestine, Catalonia, and West Papua. But I do NOT support Khalistan. Not after their supporters starting to stab random innocent CIVILIANS in Canada, a country ALMOST COMPLETELY UNRELATED to India, except that they were once part of the British Empire."
*"The Trans Day of Vengeance reeks of a psyop. Glowies gonna glow."
*"HA! So the last board voted on a development compact at the last minute. This means DeSantis' board is more-or-less powerless. The mouse is taking the mickey out of DeSantis and his friends."
*(in response to this) "This just feels kinda Islamophobic. Indonesia had already put money into stadiums, and not every country needs to recognize Israel. Some countries, like Palestine, have very good reasons not to. My dad will probably make the US U20 team do a boycott because of this."
*(Upon hearing of Donald Trump being indicted) "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!"
**"If this leads to his arrest, I’m gonna recommend that you not count the "HA"s that come out of me. You won’t be able to finish counting them."
=== April ===
*(After three Democratic Tennessee lawmakers were targeted for expulsion for demanding gun control reform) "Sing along if you know the words! Oh, we are the GOP, we always get along! Each day we do a little dance and sing a little song! If you ever disagree, it means that you are wrong! Oh, we are the GOP, we always get along!"
*(After the clashes broke out in Sudan, and foreign civilians were being targeted and killed) "Trying to disrupt the transition to democracy is one thing, but killing foreign citizens just because you can?! As I'm typing this, a Johnson Paramilitary carrier group is currently in the Red Sea, and I have just given the order: bomb all RSF positions. IT'S WAR, BITCH.
*(After hearing that Wagner Group was allegedly in Sudan, fighting for the RSF) "Well, looks like this just became an extension of my personal war against Putler."
*(After Kansas passed an anti-trans bill) "I'll take "hateful bigots" for $2,000, Ken."
=== May ===
* "We are NOT going to use AI for any of our scripted entertainment, unless it's for effect. But if you think a robot that can't even draw a human hand properly can "replace" you, then you're probably a bad artist yourself."
* (In response to comments about the 2023 Allen, Texas school shooting by State Rep. Keith Self (R-Allen)) "Classic Republican. Hiding behind the ol' Bible. Jesus, if I had a dollar for every time a Republican politician blamed anyone BUT the GOP for school shootings, I'd have enough to put Mildred out of business."
* (After Pro-Ukrainian separatists attacked Belgorod Oblast) "Have a taste of YOUR own medicine, Vladdy boy. We're coming for your sorry ass."
* (After Ron DeSantis announced he was running for president in 2024) "You don't belong in the White House. You don't belong in ANY political office. You belong in the looney bin. Neoconservatism has ZERO place in the modern world."
* (After Nikki Haley's CNN Town Hall) "Okay, so, Nikki's political positions are all over the place. Whose brand of conservatism does she follow, Donald Trump or George W. Bush?"
* (After Texas banned gender-affirming care and required trans youth to detransition) "It's official. Texas is ruled by fascists."
=== June ===
* (After Mike Pence's CNN Town Hall) "If I had to choose between Trump and Pence, I'd choose Pence in a fucking heartbeat."
* After television evangelist Pat Robertson, a vocal critic of Detective Jenny, passed away, Tim posted this gif.
* (After Donald Trump was indicted in Florida) "SUCK IT, JABRONI! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
* "Long live the king, huh? George VI was at least fifty times the king Trump will ever be."
* "So let me get this straight - this submarine was built using cheap materials in an effort to cut costs, which also entailed firing every expert on the team in favor of blind yesmen, had a thruster that was somehow installed BACKWARDS, and was controlled by, of all things, a BOOTLEG DUALSHOCK, and you guys are SURPRISED that it went missing?!"
* "Four of the people who died will be missed. The fifth willingly cut corners in the name of budget, killing himself and everyone else on board. I hope this leads to new regulations."
* (After Wagner Group's armed mutiny) "So you have a conscience after all, Mr. Prigozhin. Let us join forces, and crush the bloated bastard in the Kremlin!"
* (After Wagner Group turned back) "NO! TURN AROUND! THIS IS OUR BEST CHANCE TO END EASTERN EUROPEAN FASCISM! TURN THE FUCK AROUND, YOU GODDAMN PUSSY!!!!!"
* (After Trump asked what he did wrong) "HOW CAN ONE PERSON BE SO OBLIVIOUS, INSENSITIVE, HATEFUL, TACTLESS, ILL-TEMPERED, AND BOORISH TO EVERYONE HE MEETS?!?!?!?!?!"
* "ABOLISH THE SUPREME COURT. NOW. HOW CAN THEY OVERTURN MY DAD'S PLANS FOR STUDENT LOAN FORGIVENESS, WHICH 99% OF AMERICANS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE AGREE WITH?"
===July===
* (After hearing about rioters vandalizing a Holocaust memorial in Paris over the murder of a 17-year-old girl) "Just pathetic."
* (In response to the release of the movie, Sound of Freedom) "I'm sorry. I don't care if this film looks better than Cuties. This film is nothing more than QAnon bastards trying to put us in this movie. I really don't think I should watch this film, because this film might not age well either."
* (After hearing of reports of inhumane treatment of migrants by Texan Rangers) "Another big Texan L." 
* "Oh, Donny boy. When will you ever give up? Oh wait, a guy like you (i.e. a total idiot) would never give up."
=== August ===
* (After Donald Trump pleaded not guilty for a third time) "WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED? WHY AM I NOT FUCKING SURPRISED?!?!?!"
* (After a Sound of Freedom’ financier arrested for child kidnapping) "HA! I told you this film isn't going to age well, and I'm right. If that means Tim Ballard is next, I would be happy."
* (Tim Johnson announcing the Johnson Paramilitary's invasion of Niger following the July 29 coup) "Hey, Tchiani. Notice that carrier group off the coast of Niger? That's not an American carrier group. It's one of mine. If ECOWAS doesn't have the balls to end this madness, then I do! BOMBS AWAY, PUNK. IT'S WAR!!!!!! Same with you, Burkina Faso, Mali, and Guinea! You support this coup, so you're getting your military juntas removed by violent force, too! And to Prighozin, who has sent PMC Wagner to Niger, get the fuck out of Africa and BACK TO MARCHING ON THE FUCKING KREMLIN!!!! Your turning back gave me blue balls!"
* "To whichever FIDE executive thought that banning trans women from competition was a good idea: do you not realize Johnson Industries owns FIDE? Clean out your desk. YOU'RE FIRED."
* After the first Republican presidential debate on August 23, Tim posted this video.
*(Upon hearing Tver plane crash that kills the Wagner Group) "TBA..."
*(After seeing Donald Trump's new mugshot: "TBA..."
=== September ===
* (After Unity announced runtime fees) "You think you're sooooo clever, don't you, John? Trying to completely fuck over indie game devs."
* (In response that Tim Ballard (the inspiration for Sound of Freedom) was accused of sexual alliagtions) "And nothing of value was lost, including for the members of the O.U.R. group."
* (After UAW union members went on strike) "I am SO glad we're not greedy like the other Detroit automakers, and that the UAW considered Johnson Auto to be 'the only good actors left'."
=== October ===
* (After Hamas launched 5,000 missiles at Israel, and Israel declared a state of war") "Normally I'd be saying 'BOMBS AWAY, BITCH!'. But considering this is Israel and Palestine we're talking about, I'm staying out of this unless Hamas and/or Netanyahu gives me a damn good reason to come over there and fuck their shit up."
* (After videos of Hamas fighters going door-to-door in Israel killing Israeli civilians (and Israeli fighters killing Palestinian civilians) were released) "Aaaaaand there's the damn good reason I mentioned in my last post. Your days are numbered, because it's BOMBS AWAY, BITCH. We're with the RAF, bringing back the British Mandate."
* (After Russia called for restraint in the Hamas-Israel War) "Russia, you are the LAST country who should be calling on both Israel and Hamas to exercise restraint, seeing as how you wouldn't exercise restraint with Ukraine. Fucking hypocrites..."
* "Mom, can we have Bluey? We already got Bluey at home. Bluey at home, with right-wing propaganda and Rob Schneider tossed in: Chip Chilla. Seriously, you know that one South Park episode that mocked him? Here's my take: Rob Schneider is a completely washed-up hack of a comedic actor, who now has to resort to appearing in flops to pay the bills. Then one day, he takes his usual paycheck, and suddenly he becomes... a talking Republican chinchilla! And he's about to find out... that being a talking Republican chinchilla... is rattier than it looks! Rob Schneider is... A Talking Republican Chinchilla! Rated PG-13."
* (After the Houthi movement sided with Hamas and bombed Israel) "Way to go, you moronic rebels. You crossed the line by helping Hamas. The Johnson Paramilitary is coming to Yemen to get rid of you and restore order. You should have stayed out of this!” 
* "Trump getting disqualified from the 2024 ballot is the ideal scenario."
=== November ===
* "Just 365 days left now until the next (and potentially final) democratic election. Because if Trump wins next year and he and his cronies set up a deep state, then America will NEVER, EVER be the same again,"
* (After the House passed an amendment to the 2024 Financial Services and General Government Appropriations Act, the standalone funding bill for the General Services Administration, Securities and Exchange Commission and other related agencies, that cuts Pete Buttigieg's salary to $1) "Has Margie forgotten that the Senate is controlled by the Democrats? A budget slashing Pete's salary to a measly $1 is gonna get laughed off the Senate floor. The GOP's attempts to subvert democracy are getting more and more pathetic."
* (After the death of Maryanne Trump Barry) TBA.
* "Trump's recent Veteran's Day speech has crossed more than a few lines."
* (After the death of Ken Squier) "Godspeed, you magnificent bastard. Say hi to Dan Wheldon for me, and let him know just how much of an impact his death had in making open-wheel racing much safer." 
*"60 years ago today, John F. Kennedy was assassinated, in the first successful assassination attempt since 1903."
*(After the death of Rosalyn Carter)
*(After Derek Chauvin was stabbed in prison) "Good."
*(After the death of Henry Kissinger) "Anthony Bourdain and Bernie Sanders were right about Kissinger. He lived for 30 years too many, in my opinion."
=== December ===
*"Go on, Netanyahu, attack Lebanon. If you do that, then my dad will cut all your funding."
*(Following the death of Kenpachiro Satsuma) "Ken mentored me on how to portray Godzilla when Tsutomu passed the FinalGoji suit on to me in 2011. I still perform in that suit with pride to this very day. Thank you, Ken."
*(After Donald Trump was disqualified from the ballot in Colorado) "After all the crap he's pulled, let's hope other states (namely the swing states) do the same."
*(After the same thing happened in Maine) "Excellent." 
*(After the death of Burt Wilson) "One of the most talented singers and performers I knew. Sal was Fatz, and Fatz was Sal."
*(After seeing this documentary about the Bible and noticing the name of the creator) "Just so you know, that's the Tim Johnson from DreamWorks, not me. And there is absolutely zero relation between us."
==2024==
=== January ===
* "And so we come to the first day of a year that will make or break democracy. May we never return to the days where one person decided who lived and who died, because Trump and his buddies would certainly decide everyone who doesn't vote for him or support his agenda must die."
* (After a 7.5-magnitude earthquake struck the Noto Peninsula in Chūbu and created tsunamis 50 minutes before midnight in Tim's timezone) "Not a good omen for the start of 2024...but that'll have to wait till later. Got a business to run, and lots of reports to sift through from Eastern Pacific crews in that area."
* "It's now been three years since Donald J. Trump tried to destroy democracy in his attempted coup in a fit of maniacal rage. His supporters still see him as their Jesus, but I think he's secured himself a place in hell."
* "Win for the third time? Dude, you lost in 2020. Any evidence that you would have won would've been found already. Another attempt at fanning the flames to increase your odds of winning for the SECOND time."
* (After Trump's lawyers claimed that presidents are immune from prosecution even if they assassinate their rivals) "Wow. Good lawyering, guys. You'd be right up there with Lionel Hutz."
* (After Ecuador descended into civil war) "A Johnson Paramilitary carrier group is en route to Guyaquil with planes and troops. I'm not gonna stand by and watch a country become a crimocracy, especially in America's backyard. The Monroe Doctrine WILL stand."
* "Not surprising that even SAG-AFTRA would treat voice actors worse than shit."
* (After Indiana filed a bill to end all recognition of transgender people and redefining gay marriage in the state as people of the same biological sex instead of gender) "If this gets passed (and I wouldn't be surprised if it does), then this is another example of America failing to live up to its promise as the land of the free."
* (After Trump's victory in the 2024 Iowa caucuses) "More proof of Trump being the undisputed leader of the GOP."
* (After Senator Tim Scott endorsed Donald Trump) "What an Uncle Tom. If Trump wins, he's just gonna send you and the other African-Americans back to the cotton fields in shackles. And who needs slavery?"
*"We now got 365 days left until the next inauguration of who's president is in the White House. It better be my dad, if he's re-elected again!"
*(After Ron DeSantis dropped out of the presidential race) "Good. Riddance. Bigot."
===February===
*(After Carl Weathers died) "Easily Rocky Balboa's most memorable opponent." 
*(After King Charles III was diagnosed with cancer) "There's a chance he'll survive, but if not, then I for one am prepared for a King William."
*(After the death of Nex Benedict) "This is exactly the kind of world conservatives want to live in. They took away the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness from non-binary people in the name of "protecting children". Books, healthcare, the ability to use the right bathroom, even firing the teachers who kept them safe AND then had the BALLS to demonize them on Twitter and on TV. I hope it was all worth it for them. The fact that we have a quote-unquote "Christian" senator in the state Nex was killed in referring to LGBTQ+ people as "filth" when he knows full well this is exactly the kind of crap Jesus would cast him directly into Hell for."
*(In response to Willy's Chocolate Experience) "Come with me, and you'll be, in a world of no imagination. Take a look, and you'll see, there is no imagination..."
*(After the Supreme Court overruled the decision to remove Trump from the ballot) "Trump is a criminal willing to strip America of the values he supposedly believes in, and you decide to allow him to continue his dictatorial campaign."
=== March ===
*(In response to Katie Britt's response to the 2024 State of the Union address) "...were those supposed to be words?"
*"Today's the ten year anniversary of when Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 took off from Kuala Lumpur International Airport, and was never seen again."
*(In response to Putin's victory in the 2024 Russian elections) "Another instance of Putin disguising his dictatorship as democracy. And Republicans continue to fall for it hook, line and sinker like the marks of a con artist."
*(In response to the Francis Scott Key Bridge disaster) ''TBA.''
=== April ===
* (After Dimitri Medvedev openly wished for the United States to fall into civil war and collapse following seized Russian assets being given to Ukraine) "Fuck you, too. Die in a fire."
* (After Harvey Weinstein's rape conviction has overturned) "TBA"
* (After reading an excerpt from Kristi Noem's second autobiography where she shot her dog for being worthless and her family's male pet goat for being smelly) "You disgust me, you whore."
* (After learning about Project 2025) "If Trump wins in November and starts implementing this, I'll start my own Second American Revolution."
=== May ===
* (After Nikki Haley said she would vote for Donald Trump and called Sheldon Johnson Jr. a "catastrophe") "Please tell me how my father is a catastrophe. The only catastrophe I see here is your dried-up pussy."
* "I've been getting reports of flyers being sent to Texans that are basically voter intimidation and election manipulation. The Republicans aren't hiding it anymore. And they ask why Democrats call them fascists."
*(In response to Jared Ravizza stabbing four girls while watching IF) "TBA". 
* After Donald Trump was found guilty on all 34 counts in the hush money trial, Tim posted a video of himself sitting in a La-Z-Boy, drinking a Sprite, wearing shades, and saying "Enjoy the felon life, Donny" while "Gangsta's Paradise" plays in the background.
=== June ===
*"If you have to resort to claiming you're a "political prisoner" who did nothing wrong, then maybe you did do a lot wrong."
*(After the first presidential debate) "Another solid debate performance from my dad that shows he was right, and Trump was just spouting nonsense."
*“Guess who just tested positive for COVID? This guy. Fuck you, North China. You could’ve helped contain this virus, but instead, you chose to lie to the world so you wouldn’t look weak. To Xi Jinping: KYS. I know that may be harsh, but I’m fucking PISSED right now.”
===July===
*(In response to his father being a lock for the election, and the Supreme Court's statement that Donald Trump is above the law) "TBA"
*(In response to the attempted assassination of Donald Trump) "(sigh) I really, really don't have anything to say about this."
*(After Hulk Hogan endorsed Donald Trump) "In the words of the man who once owned WWE: YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!"
*(After Kyle A. Carrozza was arrested for possession of child pornography) "Mighty Magiswords? No such show ever existed. And if you do recall seeing such a show on Cartoon Network, that sounds like a Candle Cove-type situation."
*"Well, I'm sure glad we don't use CrowdStrike. To all airline passengers affected by this outage: we will get you to your destination. Continental Rail, British Rail, Eastern Pacific, and Continental Shipping Lines are all adding extra trains or ships to get you to your destination. Yes, it'll take longer, but let's be real: the cheapest stateroom aboard the RMS Olympic is preferable to a coach class seat on a 767, and a Pioneer V seat has MUCH more legroom than what you'd get flying on an A320 in ANY class. Plus, we have full dining service on our trains and ships, not to mention working showers on our ships and dome cars on our North American intercity trains; can the same be said for domestic flights? I don't think so. There's a good reason we got out of the airline industry after only five years: we saw where the industry was going, and we wanted nothing to do with it. Trains and ocean liners are still viable in this day and age, and we have proved it time and time again. The weather may ground a British Airways flight from London to Edinburgh, but the Deltics of the Flying Scotsman run rain or shine. In the words of a certain green tank engine: rails work wonders, you know. Always!"
*(In response to a teenage boy in Bennet Nebraska, who changed the train tracks to derail a Cross-Country Lines freight train for a YouTube video back in April) "...wh... WHY THE ACTUAL FLYING FUCK WOULD SOMEONE DO SOMETHING SO DANGEROUS!!?? AND ALL FOR YOUTUBE CLOUT?!?!?! IF HE DID THIS TO A CONTINENTAL RAIL TRAIN, I'D COME FOR HIM PERSONALLY!!!!!"
===August===
*TBA
=== September ===
* (After Dick and Liz Cheney stated they would be voting for Sheldon Jr.) "Welcome to the side that rocks!"
* (After James Earl Jones (the voice of Darth Vader) passed away) "TBA".
* (After the second presidential debate, in which Donald Trump said that Haitian migrants in Springfield, OH were breaking into people's houses to steal and eat their pets) "And just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you just keep finding new ways to out-stupid yourself!"
* (In response to the Bridgerton Ball) "Just because I've been laid-up with atypical pneumonia for a week doesn't mean I haven't been keeping up with the news. I must have missed that one episode of Bridgerton with the stripper."
=== October ===
* (After former president Jimmy Carter turned 100 years old) "Happy birthday, President Carter!"
* (After Trump floated the idea of deploying the military to shoot protesters) "If you deploy troops against protesters, I'll deploy MY troops against YOU!"
* "To all of you MAGA cultists who keep calling my dad a communist or a Marxist or a fascist: do you even know what any of those are? Has my dad ever said anything about seizing the means of production? Or built a cult of personality? If my dad were actually communist or Marxist, this country would be like North China by now. And does he look, sound, or act anything like Xi Jinping? And you can't call him fascist, because last I checked, fascism was a far-right ideology, and my dad is center-left. If anything, calling him a fascist is gaslighting, because the people you idolize and deify are all fascists. Trump, Putin, Lukashenko, Orbán, Netanyahu, Maduro, all fascists. Trump doesn't care about you, he only cares about himself, and views you as 100% expendable. The ultimate goal of Trump, his minions, and Project 2025 isn't to "Make America Great Again", it's to drag American society back to what they view as its golden age: the 1950s, including all of the social views of the time like women staying in the kitchen, non-whites being second-class citizens, the environment being destroyed with reckless abandon in pursuit of profit, any new ideas being dismissed as a communist takeover plot, homosexuality being viewed as either a choice or a mental disease, religion playing too much of a role in everything to the detriment of anyone's enjoyment, and any nation that disagrees with the United States having their governments overthrown and replaced with far-right dictatorships who bend the knee to Washington. If you really want to do that, you'll also have to bring back black-and-white films, TVs with tiny screens, convince Mildred to bring back steam locomotives on Cross-Country, demolish huge portions of the Interstate Highway System because most of it didn't exist in the 50s, make air travel expensive and unsafe (but more comfortable), flood the airwaves with Westerns, cease using CGI, use lower-fidelity audio equipment, and conduct atmospheric nuclear tests near Las Vegas. Does any of that sound fun to you? Because I know the LeBlancs are a bunch of penny-pinchers who dieselized as soon as they could. But I digress. You can't preserve society in amber. Change is constant in everything, and trying to stop that change ultimately does more harm than good. Either accept change, or you'll stagnate and wither away. That's the crux of the MAGA movement: a bunch of cranky old men whose nostalgia for the 50s is so great, they're willing to cause irreparable harm to the country just to recapture those rose-tinted memories. Were the 50s really a better time? Was living in constant fear of the atomic bomb or getting a paddling for misbehaving in school better than living with the knowledge the we here at Johnson can just brute-disarm those bombs, or that corporal punishment in schools is now a felony? The time of the Baby Boomers is approaching the end. Your desperate attemps to cling to power and lord over later generations are just getting sadder and sadder. We Millennials know what's best for mankind. If you refuse to change, we will. And you'll be left behind with nothing but your nostalgia for the past, screaming impotently that your time was better. The choice is yours."
*(After Yahya Sinwar was killed) "TBA".
*(After seeing Constitutional Party candidate Randall Terry's graphic anti-abortion ad on ABC) "...WHO. THE FUCK. APPROVED THIS TO AIR ON ONE OF MY NETWORKS?!?! THIS IS THE SINGLE-MOST SICKENING POLITICAL AD I HAVE EVER SEEN. WHOEVER AT ABC APPROVED THIS TO BE AIRED, YOU ARE FIRED AS FUCK!!!!!!"
*(After Harvey Weinstein was diagnosed with bone marrow cancer) "Karma's a bitch, ain't it?"
*(After Tony Hinchcliffe called Puerto Rico a "floating island of garbage" at Donald Trump's Madison Square Garden rally) "Blow yourself, Nazi." 
*(After Johnny Somali got arrested in Korea and prohibbited him from leaving Korea) "Seriously. That's what he get for being an absolute disrespect man to different cultures in forgein countries. TBA".
===November===
*"Lets face it: Even if he wins, guess what? He had already had run its course."
*"Just as Trump will not accept any outcome where he loses, I will not accept any outcome where my dad loses. Because if he does, there will be a reckoning..."
*(When Trump took the lead in the election) "Johnson Paramilitary, standby. Over my dead body I let this country fall to fascism."
*(After the Red Mirage dissipated and the Blue Shift came on in full force) "Okay, I stand corrected. And is Trump actually LOSING in Texas?! They must be sick of the MAGA Cult's shit!"
*(After Sheldon Johnson Jr. won Texas) "This is the biggest coup in electoral history. I'll prioritize y'all for a high-speed rail system!"
*(After Sheldon Johnson Jr. reached 270 electoral votes) "And that's a wrap on this election. Tune in in 2028 when we'll, hopefully, have first-past-the-post voting like we should've had in the first place. And Trump, enjoy being a prison bitch, you bitch."
*"You guys have no idea how stressful last night was. When it looked like Trump might actually win this, I started making a few calls to the White House regarding the Johnson Paramilitary's Contingency Orders. What are these orders, you ask? I'll let that question keep you MAGA cultists up at night."
*(After seeing Nick Crowley's video about the puppet show Life with Grandpa and The Family International cult) "This, right here. This is why I'm an atheist. No God would ever allow something so heinous to exist. And as it turns out, The Family International still exists, and continues getting away with their evil just because they've told the authorities they don't abuse kids anymore. To Karen Zerby: I'm sending the Johnson Paramilitary for you and your goons. Freedom of religion doesn't mean freedom of pedophilia."
=== December ===
*(After South Chinese president Lai Ching-te declared, and later lifted, martial law) "Do I have to come over there and start blasting? Because I will."
*(After the Syrian president Bashar al-Assad was overthrown) "Being a dictator is like being a Sith Lord: it will ultimately destroy you."
*(After ex-U.S. president Jimmy Carter passed away) "Damn, R.I.P. Jimmy, man..."
== 2025 ==
=== January ===
*(After the New Orleans vehicle attack and the Tesla Cybertruck bombing) "Well, THAT'S not a concerning omen for 2025..."
*(After Britt Allcroft passed away) "That's it, I demand a refund on 2025."
*(In response to the Los Angeles wildfires) "Don't say a FUCKING word, Donald. You're in enough trouble as it is."
*"We're going to help the citizens in Los Angeles who were suffered the wildfires in Southern California, that their homes were destroyed by wildfires."
*(After Nintendo revealed the Switch 2) "That was the most passive-aggressive console reveal I've ever seen, as if they were saying 'here it is, now leave us alone'." 
*(After Yoon Suk Yeol was arrested) "TBA."
*(After Sheldon Johnson Jr. was inaugurated for his second term) "Business as usual, folks. If it was Trump being inaugurated, he'd probably hold the ceremony in the Capitol Rotunda because of how cold it is in DC right now. JFK held his inauguration in MUCH colder temperatures than this."
*(After Elon Musk was accused for doing a Nazi-salute) *breathes heavily* "...alright, you're done. Johnson Paramilitary, arrest him and throw him in the looney bin."
*"I keep hearing the Republicans complain about 'DEI' ruining the government. DEI this, DEI that. DEI merged with RCR in 2009, idiots!"
==February==
Category:Johnsonverse