Breaking Dad

Breaking Dad is the twenty-fifth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show and the third episode of the third season. It was written by thatjess and released on June 25, 2022.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. Patrick, dressed in a mailman uniform, enters with a sack of letters. SpongeBob walks out from his kitchen.]
SpongeBob: Patrick! You’re back from your transfer to Hungary! How was it?
Patrick: Eh, it was overrated to be completely honest. I mean, for starters most people I came across seemed pretty full-up to me.
[Squidward looks up from his PlaySquid magazine.]
Squidward: Patrick?! You’re a… mailman now?
Patrick: Yeah. Living under a rock doesn’t come cheap, you know. I just came back from Hungary, it’s a long story that we’ll probably never elaborate on. Anyway, I got something for you.
[Patrick hands Squidward a letter.]
Squidward: Oh, uh… thanks.
[Squidward tears off the envelope, takes the letter out and starts reading it. He becomes increasingly more anxious and frustrated with every word he reads out.]
Squidward: “Dearest Squid Edward, it’s been a long time since your mother and I divorced and an even longer time since we last saw each other. Which is why through some brief stalking on your socials I have obtained your home address and intend to visit you this weekend to catch up with my old son. To reiterate, I am visiting you on June 25th. Yours sincerely, Dad.”
[Squidward screams and rips the letter up into tiny pieces.]
Squidward: GET THIS THING AWAY FROM ME!
Patrick: Jesus Christ, Squidward, it’s just a letter.
SpongeBob: No Patrick, you don’t understand! Squidward’s dad is coming to visit!
Patrick: Yeah, and?
SpongeBob: Squidward’s father… (sobs) never hugged him. Isn’t that sad?! (starts crying)
Patrick: Well yes, I suppose that is rather sad but can’t Squidward hug himself during his break or something?
Squidward: Ugh, could you two please stop eavesdropping on me?
SpongeBob: Sorry.
Patrick: Who’s Eavesdropping? Is he your father?
Squidward: Guys, this is getting ridiculous. I’ll have you two know that my father loved me very much. He hugged me loads of times… when I was a baby… and then he left forever. I don’t even remember it.
[Squidward bursts into tears and SpongeBob and Patrick soon follow. Larry the Lobster approaches the counter with an empty cup.]
Larry: Hey, could I get a refill on my unlimited water?
[Squidward’s tears fill up Larry’s cup.]
Larry: Thanks.
[Larry walks off.]
Squidward: From what- from what my mother tells me, my father is a very conservative man. He would be incredibly disappointed in me turning out to be a- a… a cashier! I doubt he’d even approve of my musical talents.
Patrick: You have musical talent?
Squidward: I play the clarinet.
Patrick: Poorly.
Squidward: You really aren’t helping.
SpongeBob: Don’t worry, Squidward! We’ll help you impress your father!
Squidward: You- you’d do that for me?
SpongeBob: Of course! That’s what friends are for.
Squidward: SpongeBob, we are not friends.
SpongeBob: (laughs) You’re such a kidder, Squidward.
[Bubble transition to Conch Street. Squidward’s dad, a tall stern-looking bloke, begins walking towards Squidward’s house. SpongeBob and Patrick are hiding behind a coral bush watching him.]
SpongeBob: There he is, Patrick! That must be Squidward’s father!
Patrick: He’s hot.
SpongeBob: I suppose he is vaguely good-looking. 
[SpongeBob gets out a Goofy Goober-branded walkie talkie.]
SpongeBob: Pssst! Looney Loofah to Lil Squiddy! Come in Lil Squiddy!
[Cut to Squidward inside his house dressed in a doctor’s uniform talking into another Goofy Goober-branded walkie talkie.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, are you sure this is a good idea?
SpongeBob: Roger; I mean we can’t back down now.
Patrick: Who’s Roger?
Squidward: (in Rodger Bumpass’ resting voice) He’s talking to me. 
[Squidward’s dad rings Squidward’s doorbell.]
SpongeBob: FLIPPIN’ FLOTSAMS HE’S HERE!
Squidward: (gulps) Well, here goes nothing.
[Squidward opens the door.]
Squidward’s Dad: …well son, I made it… despite your directions.
Squidward: (awkwardly) Ah… Dad! …I hope you’re prepared for… an unforgettable luncheon! 
Squidward’s Dad: Please, just call me Jeff.
Squidward: Sure thing, Dad!
[Pause.]
Squidward: So, heh… you wanna… come in or-
Jeff: That would be… desirable. 
[Jeff walks in and Squidward closes the door behind him.]
Squidward: Here, let me take your things for you.
[Squidward takes off his dad’s coat and hat and hangs them on his coat rack.]
Jeff: Ah, you are… most kind. What’s with your, uh… fashion sense? 
Squidward: Huh?
[Jeff points down to Squidward’s doctor’s uniform.]
Squidward: Oh, I- heh, sorry I forgot you were coming and… (takes out a cue card written in SpongeBob’s handwriting) “had to quickly drop everything and come straight here from work”. 
[Pause.]
Jeff: …
Squidward: I’m a, heh… I’m a surgeon.
Jeff: I see.
[Pause.]
Jeff: And when you say you had to quickly drop everything-
Squidward: Oh, uh, I was… in the middle of an important life-saving surgery!
[Pause.]
Squidward: Well, I mean it wasn’t THAT important and life-saving, heh.
[Pause; Squidward starts nervously sweating.]
Squidward: You wanna… come and sit down or anything?
[Pause.]
Jeff: I do suppose that would be the next appropriate action, yes.
[Squidward and his father walk over to his kitchen table. Squidward pulls out a seat for Jeff.]
Jeff: Hm.
[Jeff sits down and Squidward seats himself at the opposite end of the table.]
Squidward: So… heh, what have you been up to over the last… however long it’s been since we’ve last seen each other, heh?
Jeff: Oh, uh, thanks for asking. I haven’t been up too much recently to be completely honest. I discovered a cure for cancer, so I mean there’s that. And you?
Squidward: And me?
Jeff: You’re a surgeon, are you not? I’m sure you’ve saved quite a few people’s lives during your time in the medical industry.
Squidward: Well, um… funny thing actually…
[Pause.]
Squidward: Excuse me one moment.
Jeff: Of course.
[Squidward rushes over to his kitchen and slams the door.]
Squidward: Oh, this is terrible! My father thinks I’m a complete lunatic! I need to do something quick or I’m gonna blow-
[The camera pans over to SpongeBob working Squidward’s cooker.]
Squidward: Um, SpongeBob? What are you doing?
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m just making dinner for you both! Don’t worry about a thing.
Squidward: Oh, heh. That’s so thoughtful of you, thanks. What are you making?
SpongeBob: Oh it’s a surprise! Don’t worry though, it’s the most sophisticated thing I could think of with what I’m working with.
Squidward: Well, um… Thanks, again I mean.
SpongeBob: Please don’t worry about it. Just get back in there and carry on with the small talk!
Squidward: I’ll try…
[Squidward heads back into his dining room. Jeff is staring at one of Squidward’s paintings - Bold and Brash - hanging on his wall.]
Jeff: Your interior decoration skills are… less than desirable.
Squidward: Oh, that ugly thing? That was, um… a gift. Yeah, a gift. It’d be rude to take it down.
Jeff: How considerate of you. It really is quite a dreadful work of art though, I must say. 
Squidward: Yeah… yeah I… (sighs) yeah it really stinks, doesn’t it?
Jeff: Who were you talking to just now?
Squidward: Sorry?
Jeff: I heard another voice coming from the kitchen. A male voice.
Squidward: Oh, him? I- He- he’s just… a… 
[SpongeBob enters in a chef outfit.]
SpongeBob: I’m his personal chef! (laughs)
Jeff: Personal… chef? In this economy?
SpongeBob: Well, you know, Squidward didn’t spend years training to be a surgeon for nothing.
Jeff: Squidward?
Squidward: Yeah?
Jeff: …I am terribly sorry but I do appear to owe you an overdue apology. I think… I think I may have misjudged you. Despite living in the dump of a town that is Bikini Bottom… you are very well-off, my son. I’m… proud of you.
[Squidward’s eyes start glimmering.]
Squidward: You’re… proud of me?
Jeff: Why wouldn’t I be? It’s not like you’re a cashier at The Krusty Krab or anything? (scoffs at his own joke)
SpongeBob: What’s wrong with The Krusty Krab?
Squidward: Nothing, SpongeBob, nothing at all. Get back to the kitchen.
SpongeBob: But- but- this fiend here is shittalking the most beloved-
[Squidward starts forcibly pushing SpongeBob back into the kitchen.]
Squidward: Heh, heh, he’s such a kidder isn’t he? (nervously laughs)
[Squidward slams the kitchen door behind me.]
Squidward: SpongeBob, for once I am eternally grateful for what you are doing for me right now, but please don’t ruin this for me. I think my father actually likes me for once!
SpongeBob: Or at least he thinks he does.
Squidward: What do you mean?
SpongeBob: Squidward, I think this was a bad idea. This is wrong. Your dad doesn’t like YOU, he thinks you’re a surgeon for crying out loud!
Squidward: Okay, maybe we’re stretching the truth a little bit here, but so what? This was your idea, and it’s working! I think I’m finally reconnecting with my estranged father! 
SpongeBob: I’m sorry but… this is wrong. 
[SpongeBob turns off the cooker.]
Squidward: What are you doing?
SpongeBob: If your dad won’t appreciate the real you, then he’s not your dad at all. This fancy dinner is off, I’m getting us some Krabby Patties.
[SpongeBob starts walking out.]
Squidward: SpongeBob! Wait! Don’t go!
[SpongeBob leaves.]
Jeff: What’s the matter with him?
Squidward: SPONGEBOB! WAITTT!
[Squidward bursts out the door and starts chasing after SpongeBob too.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB!!!!!
[Squidward notices a band made up of several people set up on a sidewalk. He briefly stops for a second, and tips the group a quarter.]
Squidward: Hey, you got any chase music?
[The band all look at each other and shrug.]
Guitarist: I think we know one.
[The band starts playing Grass Skirt Chase as Squidward resumes chasing after SpongeBob.]
Squidward: SPONGEBOB!!! NO!!!!!!
SpongeBob: (calling back to Squidward, panting) THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, SQUIDWARD!
[Jeff bursts out of Squidward’s house and starts chasing Squidward.]
Jeff: HEY, SON!!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!!!!
[Patrick also joins in on the chase by running after Jeff.]
Patrick: Hey! I’m in this episode too!
[The group, now all chasing each other, follow SpongeBob, weave in and out of downtown Bikini Bottom traffic and finally arrive at The Krusty Krab just as Grass Skirt Chase reaches its final note. Mr. Krabs is standing in the middle of the restaurant mopping the floors.]
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob? I thought today was your day off.
[Squidward enters, panting.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward?
[Jeff enters.]
Mr. Krabs: Squidward’s father?
[Patrick enters.]
Mr. Krabs: …I don’t actually know who you are.
Patrick: I’m Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: Who?
Patrick: …Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: As in Saint Patrick?
SpongeBob: Come on, Mr. Krabs, you know Patrick.
Mr. Krabs: Who?
SpongeBob: Doesn’t matter.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you again? Has anyone seen my granddaughter Timothy?
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, you don’t have any grandchildren.
Mr. Krabs: Yes I do.
SpongeBob: Whatever.
Mr. Krabs: I still don’t know who anyone is.
SpongeBob: You knew who we were a second ago.
Mr. Krabs: I’ve never seen you all before in my life.
Squidward: You’ve been my boss for the last twenty something years, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Who are you?
Jeff: Wait… this guy is your boss?
Squidward: Um, well-
Jeff: But this isn’t the surgery.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: (sighs) I’m sorry Squidward, but he needs to know.
Squidward: (sighs) Yeah, I guess you’re right. Dad… I’m not a surgeon at all. I’m a… cashier at a fast-food joint. I only told you I was a surgeon to try and impress you! I mean… you have never even hugged me. I just… I just wanted you to be there for me. I’m sorry.
[Pause. Jeff bursts into spontaneous laughter.]
Jeff: (laughs) What a fucking loser! I knew this was too good to be true! I knew it! 
[Jeff wipes away his tears from laughing too hard.]
Jeff: Oh my God, and I bet you were lying about that lottery ticket too?
Squidward: L- Lottery ticket? What lottery ticket?
Jeff: The one you won and posted about on Twitter?
[Pause.]
Jeff: The thousand dollars you won?
[Pause.]
Squidward: Dad, I haven’t won a lottery ticket recently. I don’t like gambling.
Jeff: But- But if it wasn’t you who won all that money-
Squidward: Oh. You’re probably thinking about cousin Stella.
Jeff: Oh.
[Pause.]
Jeff: So… I suppose you have no money to lend to me and this whole trip was a waste of time?
[Pause.]
Jeff: Alright, see ya!
[Jeff walks out of the restaurant still laughing. Squidward frowns.]
Squidward: He… he only visited me because he thought I won the lottery.
Patrick: Ouch.
Squidward: All I ever wanted was for him to h-
[SpongeBob hugs Squidward.]
SpongeBob: You don’t need him, Squidward. You are better than him.
[Pause.]
Squidward: Thanks SpongeBob.
[Pause.]
Mr. Krabs: Seriously though, who the fuck are you people?
SpongeBob: We should probably get Mr. Krabs a doctor though right after we get you a therapist.
Squidward: Yeah.
== Trivia ==
*The episode was originally planned as a special but could not be completed to release in time.
*This is the first episode without any appearance or mention of Daddy Pig.
*The beginning of the episode shows Patrick as a mailman having returned from Hungary. This ties directly into the events of the episode Homosexual from The SpongeBob and Viktor Orbán Show, another series set within the Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe.
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