Dating Dilemma

Dating Dilemma is the thirty-fifth episode and the seventeenth episode of Season Two in Welcome to Fancyland!. It was written by FireMatch.
==Plot==
Squidward manages to get in a pickle when a guy and a girl both match with him on Finder. Now he has to choose which one to go with… unless he gets help from a special scientist.
==Synopsis==
The episode begins with Squidward slumping on his couch. He claps, and a robot gives him a cup of tea. Squidward accidentally spills it on himself.
“Oh, why bother?” he says. “I’m just gonna be lonely for the rest of my life unless I do something about it.”
The robot then decides to speak up. “Why don’t you spend time on your brand new Pineapple phone?”
“Oh yeah I forgot I got that today,” Squidward says. “I get so many new things sometimes it’s hard to keep track. In fact I don’t even remember which robot you are.”
“Nobody remembers me… not even my owner...” The robot looks down in disappointment as it strolls away. Squidward then opens up his phone, scrolling through it.
“CoralTube… my favorite corrupt social media site.”
He opens the CoralTube app.
“Ah, nothing like instant demonetization and the sweet smell of bias,” he says.
Just then, Squidward gets a notification from Finder.
“A notification from Finder. Wonder what it could be this time…”
Squidward notices that he has two new matches.
“Two new matches?! Today’s my lucky day!”
He then opens the app to see who the matches are.
“Mary Fisher and Edward Yellowhead. Odd names, but I’ll take it. I finally have a shot at getting a date!”
Squidward silently fist pumps and starts texting Mary.
(One chat session later…)
“It's a date!” Squidward says over the phone.
“Great!” Mary says. “See you tomorrow night.”
Squidward hangs up, and fist pumps again.
“I'm finally gonna meet someone I actually like. This is exciting!”
Immediately after, he gets a new notification from Edward.
“Edward… ugh, what if he’s just as good as Mary?” Squidward then shrugs. “Better sorry than safe.”
(One more chat session later…)
“So, does tomorrow night work?” Edward asks.
“It’s… uh… it’s a date,” Squidward answers.
“Cool! See you then!” Edward then ends the call.
Squidward puts his hands over his forehead.
“What have I done? I’ve set myself two dates, and there’s only one of me. I guess you could call this a… Dating Dilemma.”
Credits start rolling for a few moments, and then Squidward rips them off.
“No. This isn’t over yet. I will fix this.”
Laughing can be heard outside of Squidward’s house.
“I know that annoying frequency anywhere,” Squidward mutters. “It’s Spunch Bob and Pat Jerk.”
SpongeBob and Patrick are seen outside, slapping each other’s butts.
“This is great!” Patrick yells.
“Yeah!” SpongeBob yells back. “No implications at all!”
“Can you keep it down over there?!” Squidward yells from the window. “I’m having a dilemma over here!”
“Oh. Sorry Squiddy Cakes,” SpongeBob says.
“Do not call me that.” Squidward then moves away from the window and starts chewing on his tentacles.
“Maybe I should stop doing that. My tentacles are all worn out.”
A grotesque shot of Squidward’s chewed up tentacles is shown.
“Think, Squiddy Cakes, think! Oh great, now I got myself calling me that too. Now, where would I go if I had to be at two places at once?”
Transition to Squidward entering ZFS’ lab.
“Squidwart!” ZFS says. “It is you again!”
“My name is not Squidwart,” Squidward says. “Anyway, do you happen to have a cloning machine?”
“Of course. I have all kinds of machines, from death machines to revival machines to even food machines.”
Squidward points to a “food machine”. “That’s just a vending machine.”
“Don’t ruin it for me, Squidward!”
“Just show me the cloning machine already, lab rat.”
“Fine. It’s right over zere.”
Squidward excitedly runs over to the cloning machine.
“Be very careful, however. If you do decide to clone yourself-”
“I don’t care!” Squidward goes into the first cloning chamber and presses the clone button.
“Suit yourself…”
The machine whirrs, and a new Squidward is formed in the other cloning chamber.
“Hey look, it’s me!” Squidward says.
“Hey look, it’s also me!” the Squidward clone says.
“So how are you, me?”
“Grumpy as usual.”
“Great! The machine worked!”
“Still content with zis clone?” ZFS asks.
“Oh yeah, definitely. I don’t even care what consequences happen next,” the original Squidward responds. “Okay, so here’s the plan, other Squidward. I have to go on two dates tomorrow night. You can go on a date with Edward, and I’ll go on a date with Mary.”
“This is why you made me, isn’t it?”
“Yup.”
“Fine, whatever. I’ll go on this date for you, fellow Squidward.”
“Let’s go over to my house, then.”
Bubble transition to Squidward leading his clone into a guest bedroom.
“I never really had a use for this room until now, so do whatever the heck you want with it,” the original Squidward says.
The clone Squidward enters the room and shuts the door behind him.
“That’ll take care of him for now,” original Squidward says. “Now for me to get some shuteye.”
(One night’s rest later…)
Squidward wakes up to the sound of a clam coughing.
“Did the clam flu start up again? Eh, it doesn't matter. It’s a brand new day, and a brand new date! In two ways this time.”
Squidward then hears clarinet playing in the guest bedroom.
“Forgot that room isn’t soundproof.”
Squidward opens the door to the guest bedroom to see that clone Squidward has created a room of his own in there, including his own clarinet, paintings, and furniture.
“Impressive. How did you do all this?”
“A lot of dedication goes a long way.”
“Well I guess you’re right.”
“So, ready for the big date tonight?”
Original Squidward adjusts his nonexistent tie. “You bet I am.”
“Great! I hope it all works out in the end.”
(Date night…)
Original Squidward is seen walking out of the door.
“Good luck!” clone Squidward says.
“Good luck!” original Squidward says back.
Clone Squidward walks out of the door soon after. Meanwhile, we cut back to ZFS in his lab.
“I wonder if Squidward knows what will happen with his little clone…” ZFS then shrugs. “He’ll find out eventually.”
Bubble transition to original Squidward’s date with Mary. They are sitting at a romantic table in Fancier!, and they are both eyeing their menus.
“So, what are you gonna get, handsome?” Mary asks, poking Squidward in the nose, which makes him blush.
“Well uh, I think I’ll have the salad.”
A waiter nearby overhears this and comes over to the table.
“Sorry sir, but we’re all out of salads tonight. Maybe try the coral steak?”
“Umm… I did not prepare for this.” Squidward starts sweating. “Well, uh, barnacles.”
Mary gasps. “I didn't know you used such language!”
“Sorry, hon, uh, it kinda slipped, and-”
“Quit making excuses. Let's just uh… have the coral steak instead,” Mary says very awkwardly.
“Very well,” the waiter says as he heads off.
“What in the world happened? I thought you were Mr. Fancy like you've always said.”
“I'm fancy most of the time, just uh… not under pressure.”
“Hmph.”
Squidward starts looking concerned.
Cut to the clone Squidward’s date with Edward, who are both at a table in the Coral Cafe.
“You know, this place isn't the most fancy in town, but it works,” Edward says as he takes a sip of his coffee.
“Yeah, it sure is. Who needs a fancy place like Fancier anyhow?” clone Squidward responds.
“Agreed, we have everything we need right here: me and you.” Edward then gives a wink.
Cut back to the original Squidward’s date. Squidward and Mary are looking tensely at each other as they wait for their food to arrive.
“So, uh… the weather’s nice, isn’t it” Squidward says awkwardly.
“Lovely, better than this date I must say,” Mary says coldly.
“Look, I didn’t know you’d be this set off by me swearing like that. You know I didn’t mean it, right?”
Mary says nothing.
The waiter finally arrives with the piping hot coral steak on a platter. He sets the meal on the table.
“Enjoy, lovely couple,” the waiter says as he walks away.
“I’m starting to think we’re not quite that lovely,” Mary says.
“Can we, uh, just eat, please?” Squidward says.
“Fine.”
The two of them eat the coral steak in silence, and only the sounds of them eating can be heard.
“You chew too loud,” Mary says.
“Look at yourself, you got some all over your dress,” Squidward points out.
“That’s it!” Mary swiftly gets up, shoves a gold bar into Squidward’s mouth, and storms out of the restaurant.
“What did I do?”
Bubble transition back to Squidward’s house, where the original Squidward is seen sitting in the dining room, depressed.
“Why can’t I do anything right? Nobody likes me, recognizes my talent, or even recognizes me in the first place. The only reason people know me at all is because I’m on some stupid cartoon.”
The front door opens, and clone Squidward enters the house. He sees Squidward sad, and approaches him.
“What’s with the long face, Squidward? Did you stub your toe?”
“No, way worse. The date went terribly.”
“Oh no! Well mine went perfectly fine, just so you know. We’re having a second date in a week.”
Original Squidward starts tearing up.
“I’ll go get cleaned up,” clone Squidward says as he goes upstairs. He can faintly be heard singing the song Roxanne in the shower.
“If only Roxanne could be my girlfriend…” Squidward says in a sad tone. “As long as she’s not a dog…”
Just then, it hits Squidward. He goes from sad to instantly angry.
A dramatic narrator says, “He’s REALLY MAD!” as Squidward’s skin progressively turns red. Squidward then explodes, and forms back into himself after a few moments.
“That clone has got to go,” he says with confidence.
Clone Squidward is then seen combing his new shiny toupee in the bathroom mirror.
“Oh, toupee, how I do say yay!” he says to himself. “Y’know, I wonder why I didn’t think of this earlier. Every bald person needs a toupee in their life.”
He then hears a knock on the door. “Can you wait like another hour or so? I’m spending time with my new soulmate!”
“Guess that date didn’t work out after all, huh?” original Squidward says from the outside of the bathroom.
“Fine, you win. Come in.”
The door slowly opens, and Squidward immediately uses a freeze ray on him to encase his clone in ice.
“Ice, ice, baby, yeah! I did it! Yeah!” Squidward celebrates.
Rrarrg shakes his head in disapproval.
“Get out of here, shoo, shoo!” Squidward yells. Rrarrg stomps away. “Now to hide the body. Dear Neptune that sounds awful out of context.”
Squidward picks up his clone encased in ice, grunting as he struggles to pull him along.
“Who knew I was so heavy? Maybe it’s all those scones. Stupid blueberry scones.”
Squidward continues to carry his clone all the way to a storage room. He pushes him into the storage room and quickly shuts the door.
“There. That oughta do it,” he says, relieved.
A shot of inside the storage room is shown, and the thermostat on the side of the wall shows that it’s 70 degrees Fahrenheit.
Squidward is then seen listening to music on his iPod outside on a lounge chair.
“Little do they know I’m not listening to hip-hop. I’m listening to classical jazz. Doo-doo-doo-doo-dum, yeah!”
Back inside the storage room, the clone Squidward is starting to thaw out. Eventually, he is able to regain consciousness and looks around to see that he’s in a storage room.
“What the-? Why am I in a storage room? Why was I frozen?” Clone Squidward then comes to a realization. “The yeti crab has returned! I gotta run!”
He quickly opens the door to the storage room, rushes downstairs, heads out the front door, and is about to run away until he sees Squidward.
“Squidward, thank goodness you’re here! I think the yeti crab is on the loose!”
Squidward takes off his AirPods. “Sorry, couldn’t hear you over these overused joke devices. Repeat that one more time?”
“The yeti crab is on the loose!”
“The yeti cra-? Look, that guy doesn’t even come until winter. Besides, I’m the one who froze you in the first place. Got that freeze ray from SpongeBob after he said he didn’t want it.”
“Why in the world would you freeze me? I thought we were friends!”
“Well you’re me, I think you can figure that out.”
It takes a second or two for clone Squidward to figure out what’s happening.
“Ohh… so you’re envious of my relationship with Edward, huh? Well, hmph. I’m not going anywhere.”
Just then, Edward is seen walking on the sidewalk.
“Squidward, I missed-... you?” Edward shows confusion on his face. “Is my vision blurry again, or are there really two of you?”
“Uhh… gotta blast!” Original Squidward runs back inside the house.
“What’s going on here?” demands Edward.
“Well, you see, umm… I’m… a clone,” confesses clone Squidward.
“A clone?! I didn’t think they had that kind of technology just yet, even for Fancyland!”
“Well the times have changed since they invented flying machines. Are we still going to have dinner later?”
“Heck no. I don’t feel comfortable dating a clone. That’s some Freaky Friday stuff I don’t wanna deal with. Hey, why are you turning pale?”
Clone Squidward notices that he is slowly fading.
“I think I’m… fading away.”
“Well, it was nice knowing you, Squidward’s clone.”
Edward walks away, disappointed.
“Welp, guess I’ll die,” clone Squidward says, and he disappears seconds later.
Cut back to Squidward inside, in the same place he was last time he was sad.
“Well, I gotta face it. My own self beat me. Guess I’ll have to face facts: I’m not meant to be with anyone.”
Suddenly, Squidward gets an ad on his phone.
“Hot singles in my area! Yes, please!” He taps on the ad.
The episode ends as Squidward realizes that those stupid ads never work.
==Trivia==
*This episode was produced for pride month.
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