Daddy Pig Has an Affair

Daddy Pig Has an Affair is the ninth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show. It was written by thatjess and released on February 21, 2022.
== Transcript ==
[The episode picks up the following morning after where Who Shot Suzy Sheep?: Part Three leaves off. That’s right, the SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show has lore, but to be fair you need a fairly high IQ to understand it.]
[Exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house. Cut inside to Mummy Sheep’s bedroom, where Daddy Pig wakes up startled in Mummy Sheep’s bed.]
Daddy Pig: GAH! Ugh, what happened last night?
[Shower noises can be heard from the other room. Daddy Pig reaches over to the bedside table and puts his glasses on, also noticing an open pack of condoms.]
Daddy Pig: Aw oh fuck! I didn’t, did I?
[The shower noises stop, and Mummy Sheep walks back into the bedroom with a towel around here.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey, Daddy Pig, pretty great night we had last night, huh?
[Pause.]
Narrator: Oh dear. It looks like Daddy Pig has done Mummy Sheep.
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Cut to the kitchen where SpongeBob is pouring a bowl of cereal. Daddy Pig enters.]
SpongeBob: Oh, hi Daddy Pig! Where the barnacles have you been all night? Did you hear? Boris Johnson was accused of shooting Suzy Sheep!
Daddy Pig: Ugh, I don’t have much time to explain SpongeBob. But listen, I need some advice.
SpongeBob: Shoot away, Daddy Pig… heh, not at Suzy Sheep of course ,but you know what I mean.
Daddy Pig: Okay, so… here goes. (sighs) Theoretically, if Mummy Sheep and I had started dating, and I was still technically married to Mummy Pig, what would I do?
[Pause. SpongeBob drops his bowl of Bran Flakes.]
SpongeBob: …theoretically?
Daddy Pig: I’m just speaking theoretically here, heh.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Well… then it that case, I guess you’d have to break up with one of them.
[Exterior shot of The Krusty Krab. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walk inside and approach Squidward at the counter. He is reading the magazine and sits up straight startled.]
Squidward: Huh? SpongeBob?! What the hell are you doing here?! It’s your day off!
SpongeBob: Oh hi Squidward! It’s so nice to see you too! Daddy Pig and I are just here for some early morning breakfast.
Daddy Pig: I’ll have the usual Krabby Patty.
SpongeBob: And I’ll have the veggie burger.
Daddy Pig: V- Veggie burger?
SpongeBob: Oh, I’m trying to go vegan. It’s a whole thing y’know.
Daddy Pig: Bb-but… vegetables in a burger?! That’s just not right. You’ve got have a bit of meat to grow up to be a strong lad!
Squidward: …that’ll be eight dollars and forty-eight cents please.
SpongeBob: Um, could I please use my employee discount?
Squidward: Okay, that’ll be seven dollars and forty-eight cents please.
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig sitting at a table eating their burgers.]
Daddy Pig: So… who do I get rid of?
SpongeBob: I mean, I dunno it’s a tough choice. Didn’t you already have an affair with Mummy Sheep ages ago? Isn’t that why you got kicked out?
Daddy Pig: (turns red) I mean… yeah. You don’t have to call me out on it though!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is embarrassed that he has done Mummy Sheep.
Daddy Pig: It’s a SpongeBob and Peppa Pig fanfiction for fuck’s sake! Can we please stop talking about my bedroom life?
Narrator: Ugh, fine. My job is really boring sometimes, can I not have any fun?
SpongeBob: I thought you were only able to narrate what other people are doing, and not think for yourself.
Narrator: SpongeBob points out that the Peppa Pig Narrator is a fucking liar.
Daddy Pig: Ha! Loser!
Narrator: Daddy Pig is being very mean to the Peppa Pig Narrator.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig! Say sorry to the Peppa Pig Narrator, right now!
Daddy Pig: …
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: …I… I am sorry, Peppa Pig Narrator.
Narrator: The Peppa Pig Narrator accepts Daddy Pig’s apology.
Daddy Pig: Thank you! Now, what were we talking about?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh yeah, I had an affair with Mummy Sheep! …oh, now that I’m saying it out loud… I seem like a bit of an asshole.
SpongeBob: Mmm-hmm.
Daddy Pig: I mean… I like Mummy Sheep… but I also like Mummy Pig! I know I said I was better off without her, but… now I just don’t know! Mummy Pig and I have been together for years! We have two children together! I don’t want to throw all that away!
SpongeBob: I know you like your children, but do you like Mummy Pig?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I don’t know, this is a hard decision, innit bruv?! Why are you giving me relationship advice anyway? You’ve never been in a relationship.
SpongeBob: I helped Squidward get a date once. They broke up the next week but that’s not the point. How did you meet Mummy Pig anyway?
Daddy Pig: Oh God it was years ago. I barely remember.
SpongeBob: Huh, I guess we won’t ever know th-
Daddy Pig: It was the Summer of 1999. I was fresh out of secondary school and ready to rumble. I was waiting in line for my McDonald’s.
[Flashback to the Peppa Pig World McDonald’s 1999. A young Daddy Pig is in line for a Big Mac. Mummy Pig approaches the counter.]
Mummy Pig: Hey, could I please have a chicken salad and a McFlurry please?
Miss Rabbit: (behind the counter) Of course! That’ll be two pounds please.
[Mummy Pig gives her the money.]
Miss Rabbit: Thank you! Have a nice day!
[Mummy Pig gets in the queue to wait for her food.]
Daddy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Hi.
[Cut back to the present.]
Daddy Pig: Before I knew it we were married and Peppa was born!
[Pan over to Patrick, who has now joined the two at the table and is sipping on a Strawberry milkshake.]
Patrick: That’s it? That’s the whole story? 
Daddy Pig: What were you expecting? I’m not Shakespeare you know!
Patrick: Pfffft, what a rip-off. Can we hear the story of how you met SpongeBob now?
SpongeBob: Patrick you already know that story, you were there.
Patrick: Oh yeah.
[PenisMan walks up to the table.]
PenisMan: If I were you Daddy Pig, I’d go with Mummy Sheep. She has an OnlyFans.
Daddy Pig: Oh uh, thanks PenisMan.
[PenisMan walks off.]
Daddy Pig: Wait, how do you know she has an OnlyFans? PenisMa- oh he’s gone.
SpongeBob: So… who’s it gonna be, Daddy Pig?
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I think I’m gonna have to go back to Mummy Pi-
[Mummy Sheep walks over.]
Mummy Sheep: Hey Daddy Pig, fancy seeing you here! I haven’t got any plans for tonight, you wanna come over again?
Daddy Pig: ok
[Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig walk off.]
SpongeBob: I am glad I’m ace.
[Exterior shot of Mummy Sheep’s house. Cut inside to Mummy Sheep’s bedroom, where Daddy Pig wakes up startled in Mummy Sheep’s bed.]
Daddy Pig: GAH! Ugh, what happened last night?
[Shower noises are heard from the other room.]
Daddy Pig: FUCK! I DID IT! …I DID IT AGAIN!
[The shower noises stop.]
Daddy Pig: Alright, this time I have to give it to her straight. She is very nice, but I am not carrying on with this affair any longer! I am going to go straight back to Mummy Pig where I belong and-
[Mummy Sheep walks in.]
Mummy Sheep: Morning Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: hey babe ily so much
Mummy Sheep: Aw! I love you too, sweetheart!
Daddy Pig: (sighs) I need to break up with Mummy Pig, don’t I?
[End.]
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