The Most Important Debate In All of History

The Most Important Debate In All of History is the sixth episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom High. It premiered on June 12, 2021.
==Plot==
Mr. Lobster moderates the debate for student body president.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins outside Bikini Bottom High School. A boatmobile drives into the parking lot. The door of the boat opens, revealing it to be Mr. Lobster. He walks toward the school, about to enter, but is stopped.] 
Security Guard: I’m sorry sir, but all fish are required to wear a mask before being permitted to enter the building. 
Mr. Lobster: But I work here! 
Security Guard: The rule applies to staff too, sir. 
Mr. Lobster: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?! BILL GATES HAS US ALL CONTROLLED! THEY’RE MAKING US WEAR PANTIES ON OUR FACE! THEY’RE MAKING US WEAR PANTIES ON OUR FACE! 
Security Guard: Sir, please just put on a mask. If you don’t, I can not let you inside. 
Mr. Lobster: Fine. [grabs a mask and puts it on] But only so I can counter the liberal indoctrination that you and others are forcing upon these children! 
[Mr. Lobster enters the building, immediately taking off the mask once he gets inside. He then walks into the gym.] 
Mr. Lobster: Good morning, students! Today in gym class we’ll be hosting the first debate for student body president! And of course, I will be the completely neutral, non-biased moderator for this event! Will the candidates please report to their podiums? 
[Mr. Pineapple, Mr. Bass, Mr. Pepperchicken, and Mr. G all walk up to their classrooms.] 
Mr. Lobster: First question! If elected school body president, will you formally recognize DONALD J. TRUMP as the rightful president of Bikini Bottom and take military action to overthrow Sleepy Joe’s illegitimate regime? 
Mr. Bass: While I agree that the current officeholder is illegitimate, Mr. Trump is too. While he threw a few bones to pedophiles during his presidency, such as Mr. Renaud, the reality is that he took no action whatsoever to reform our draconian age of consent laws, let alone abolish them! As school body president, I will see to it that we recognize the true president of Bikini Bottom, Mr. Renaud! 
Mr. Pineapple: Nonsense! Everyone knows that the TRUE president of Bikini Bottom is Mr. R’Onion!
Mr. Pepperchicken: My fellow students, it could not be any clearer that the three candidates who just spoke before me are sell-outs to the gay lobby. Mr. Trump, Mr. Renaud, Mr. R’Onion, Mr. Biden - they’re all just different colors on the same gay rainbow!
[Mr. Sullivan and other students are seen on the bleachers.]
Mr. Sullivan: Looks like this is just a free period. I’m going to sleep—
Mr. Lobster: DAN!
Mr. Sullivan: What?
Mr. Lobster: Who do you think you are to be sleeping during this highly important debate?
Mr. Sullivan: Quite frankly, this debate is useless. Who cares about the student body presidency?
Mr. Lobster: USELESS?! No, you don’t understand...whoever wins this debate will be the Third Leader of the Make Bikini Bottom Great Again Movement, after DONALD J. TRUMP and I!
Mr. Sullivan: Sir, all of the candidates just rejected the notion of Trump being the actual president.
Mr. Lobster: QUIET! I’ve had enough of your attitude!
Mr. Sullivan: I’m just saying—
Mr. Lobster: [takes a 100-pound olympic plate and throws it out the door] LEAVE THE GYM IMMEDIATELY, YOU GODDAMN BIDEN VOTER!
Mr. Rechid: [in the hallway when the Olympic plate hits him] MY LEG!
Mr. Sullivan: You do you, Larry.
[Mr. Sullivan leaves.]
Mr. Lobster: Anyone else want to leave, because they somehow find this debate “useless”?
[The other students on the bleachers prepare to leave, but Mr. Lobster stops them.]
Mr. Lobster: NO! You must stay here, as there must be a crowd applauding whenever someone praises DONALD J. TRUMP!
Mr. Pineapple: I will say this about him, Donald really invigorated our movement. We wouldn’t be where we are now if Hillary won in 2016. I’d rather have him in office now than Sleepy Joe!
Mr. Lobster: Now that’s more like it! The crowd cheers for this praise of DONALD J. TRUMP!
[Silence.]
Mr. Lobster: I said, THE CROWD CHEERS FOR THIS PRAISE OF DONALD J. TRUMP!
[Silence.]
Mr. Lobster: YOU IDIOTS ARE NOTHING BUT LIBERAL PUSSIES! [takes a 200-pound olympic plate and throws it out the door] GET OUT!
Mr. Rechid: [in the hallway when the second olympic plate hits him] My leg… [passes out]
[The students leave.]
Mr. Lobster: Obviously, the previous crowd was biased against DONALD J. TRUMP, so they shouldn’t spectate this debate. To replace them, I’ll get the most neutral crowd of all crowds! [sends a text message to Mrs. Harris]
[A few minutes later, Mrs. Harris shows up at the school with all the fish convicted of terrorism offences after participating in the Capitol Hill storming.]
Mrs. Harris: Here you go, sir, “a crowd fit for THE BEST PRESIDENT OF ALL-TIME, THE SAVIOR OF THE NATION, THE GREAT WHITE HOPE, THE VOICE OF THE SILENT MAJORITY, NONE OTHER THAN OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP!”
Mr. Lobster: Thanks, Madam Illegitimate Vice President!
Security Guard: What in the—LARRY! What are all these terrorists doing here?!
Mr. Lobster: Terrorists? I think you mean a fair and impartial jury that will decide who shall be the Third Leader of the Make Bikini Bottom Great Again Movement!
Security Guard: They have literally been convicted in a court of law for terrorism offenses!
Mr. Lobster: Oh, is that so? Then as Mr. Biden’s Attorney General, I hereby pardon them in the name of the Illegitimate President!
[Mrs. Harris unshackles the convicts.]
Mr. Lobster: Now this debate can finally resume—
Security Guard: None of these “pardoned” terrorists have masks!
Mr. Lobster: YOU! For someone in Bikini Bottom law enforcement, you seem to have quite a confrontational attitude towards hard-working conservatives!
Security Guard: Well, I’m not in Bikini Bottom law enforcement, I’m actually an ICC officer! I came here to arrest Mr. G!
Mr. Lobster: WHAT?! [grabs the Security Guard/ICC Officer and throws him out] Your leftist organization should be defunded!
Mr. Rechid: [regains consciousness] What happened? [gets hit by the Security Guard/ICC Officer thrown out] Oh dear… [passes out again]
Mr. G: Thanks, Mr. Lobster, I owe you one!
Mr. Lobster: Great! Now, second question, would you approve of school lunches sold by The Trump Organization? Say yes.
Mr. Pineapple: As long as they abide by a strict carnivorous diet, then yes. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Absolutely not. I can not in good conscience allow the school’s money to be spent on a group that supports the gay lobby! I believe school lunches should rather be provided by Chick-Fil-A. 
Mr. Bass: Chick-Fil-A?! Everybody knows the superior fast food restaurant is Subway! 
Mr. Lobster: Do you support a ban on homework? 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Yes, but only for the straight students. LGBT+ students shall be assigned to read and write an essay on my new book, The Homosexual Question. [holds up the book] 
Mr. Pineapple: Absolutely not. Doing that would be incredibly unproductive. Instead, students need to copiously study the workers of our Marxist forefathers - Lenin, Stalin, Mao, and Hitler. 
Mr. Bass: Nevermind just getting rid of homework. I pledge that on my very first day of office, I will immediately sign an executive order dissolving the school. 
Mr. Lobster: Recently Mr. Apple implemented a policy of school uniforms, however he soon got rid of it. Would you consider re-instituting such a policy if elected student body president? 
Mr. Bass: Of course! If I am elected president, everybody will be required to wear their birthday suits! 
Mr. Pineapple: We have to be ready for when the capitalist class tries to attack us. When I am president I will make the school uniform a bullet-proof vest, with at least three firearms on hand. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I say we keep things simple. We let most students continue to wear their normal clothes, however we mandate all those suspected of homosexuality to wear rainbow stickers. That way when the big day comes, we know who’s who. 
[suddenly the bell rings]
Mr. Lobster: IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEEP STATE IS TRYING TO TO CUT THIS HIGHLY IMPORTANT DEBATE SHORT! WELL, WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT! 
[Mr. Lobster runs toward the bell, swinging his claw at it.] 
Mr. Lobster: TAKE THAT, FAUCI! 
[He then rips the bell out of the wall and throws it on the gym floor.] 
Mr. Lobster: TAKE THAT, GEORGE SOROS! 
[The episode ends as Mr. Lobster continues to attack the bell.]
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