A-Level Politics

"A-Level Politics" is the second episode of SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD. Written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, the episode was first aired on August 16, 2022 on Edgemo. It won Episode of the Year at the 10th Square Logo Awards.
===Synopsis===
Boris Johnson, Jacob Rees-Mogg and NotJoe are stuck in a broken elevator.
===Transcript===
[The episode starts with a cold opening, wherein CrazySponge, disheveled from the events of the prior episode, somehow wakes up in a desert.]
CrazySponge: Wh-what happened last night? I remember being in an elevator, not a desert. Ah, well.
[CrazySponge dusts himself off and rubs his eyes, gasping at what he sees before him.]
CrazySponge: Holy shit! A HFB Cannon! 
[Cut to the UK , wherein the Speaker is demanding order over a rowdy government to no avail. CrazySponge smashes through the stained-glass windows.]
Keir Starmer: I have to say, , your economic recovery plan sounds like a whole lot of–
CrazySponge: [lying on the floor of the Commons] HOOPLA!
[Cut to a minimal black and white titlecard that says “A-LEVEL POLITICS”, before cutting to inside a town centre, wherein a disgruntled Boris Johnson, unhappy about the scandals surrounding the , is running towards an elevator, accompanied by Jacob Rees-Mogg who tries to his best to reassure the Prime Minister. Text flashes on screen saying “BORIS JOHNSON & JACOB REES-MOGG”.]
Boris Johnson: I’m royally fucked! Not only is the O-O-Opposition poking me in the anus as always, I’ve got my own bloody party twisting my nads at the same time! I don’t mind it from that hot-hot-hot piece of ass but why’s and taking turns chomping flesh off my ballsack and feeding it to the press like free school meals?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well, pardon my unparliamentary language, Prime Minister, but I’d gladly take a bite of your–
[They hear an elevator door shut behind them and turn to each other, awkwardly.]
Rees-Mogg: Well, I mean, I wouldn’t really…
Boris: Oh, just a joke, right?
Rees-Mogg: Yes, of course… [awkwardly laughs]
Boris: Oh, well, it’s a good one, honourable gentleman! 
[Boris weakly slaps his knee.]
Rees-Mogg: I know, well, thank you…
[The murmuring comes to a stop with a sigh, yet seconds after the brief pause, the two enrapture themselves in each other’s arms and immediately start French-kissing. Between moans, they get a few garbled sentences in.]
Boris: The way you… ohhh, the way you denied poor children food gets me going…
Rees-Mogg: I won’t deny you anything, sir, would I? Now let that Minister resign from your trousers, honey.
[Rees-Mogg snakes his hands into Boris’ trousers before they both hear a chirpy, Polish-accented voice perks up from the right hand corner of the elevator.]
NotJoe: Did you guys notice this elevator is broken?
[Text flashes up on screen saying “NOTJOE”. Jacob Rees-Mogg takes his tongue out of Boris’ mouth to ask NotJoe a question.]
Rees-Mogg: And who may you be, young lady?
NotJoe: Well, I’m Gwen, but you can call me NotJoe, or Cartoon Post, or DontAskWhoJoeIs, or GhostSponge, or FridayNightStar…
Boris: [turns to Rees-Mogg] Is this one of those immigrants we’re always sending to Rwanda? 
NotJoe: No, silly! I’m NotJoe!
Rees-Mogg: So who are you then?
NotJoe: NotJoe.
[The two politicians collect themselves, and Boris pulls out his phone. His lock screen is , and his password is “peppapigworldfan123”. He goes through his Camera Roll and finds a picture of Joe Biden - shirtless, in shades, with his mouth on a vanilla ice cream. He holds his phone up to the left of NotJoe as he and Rees-Mogg compare the two.]
Rees-Mogg: Well, she wasn’t lying. She’s not Joe.
[A time card appears saying “Three hours later…”, before we see the three sitting in the elevator. Boris and Rees-Mogg are at the left, with Boris taking puffs on a cigarette, whilst NotJoe is on the right drawing bananas with yellow crayons on a piece of paper.]
Boris: I’m literally the bloody Prime Minister! If they can’t get an elevator fixed for the Prime Minister, just imagine the state of this country’s facilities for the peasants–I mean, working class.
NotJoe: Isn’t that your fault?
[Boris and Rees-Mogg side-eye NotJoe, before Rees-Mogg goes all and runs to attack NotJoe, with Boris pulling him back.]
Rees-Mogg: Let em at ‘em! Let me at ‘em! Tory power!
Boris: Calm down, Moggers, let her talk.
[An exhausted Rees-Mogg sighs and despondently sits in the left corner of the elevator, as Boris and NotJoe stand up at opposite sides.]
NotJoe: If it wasn’t for unjust measures, the wouldn’t have to make the budget cuts that would lead to the decline of British facilities.
Boris: Well, it was necessary at the time to ensure that our economy could recover from the recession.
NotJoe: And how are the unemployment and inflation figures 14 years after that recession, huh?
Boris: Well, it’s not looking great but that’s why–
Rees-Mogg: Oh, give up, BoJo. It’s hopeless. I just checked . Look at this, sir.
[Boris sits down and takes a look at Rees-Mogg’s phone, where he sees a headline saying “Like half of the government has fucked off in the past two minutes”.]
Boris: [gasps] ALL MY MPS GONE!
NotJoe: Epic fail.
Boris: Oh, bollocks to you, bug face! Do you not understand how FUCKED I am?! I was the man who led the UK to ! I was the man who handled the ! I was the man who gave these elderly c[bleep]s the even though they’d drop dead within weeks! How could they treat me like this?! Just because I threw a few parties, did apologia for a couple sex offenders, slandered a couple Muslims… They never cared about the Tory sleaze before this! God, I have half a mind to take Chris Pincher and stick a knife in his stomach like one of those chavs from the West End!
[NotJoe is recording this rant on her phone.]
Rees-Mogg: Are you seriously recording this?
Boris: NO! NO NO NO! GIVE ME THAT!
[Boris attempts to snatch the phone off of NotJoe, whilst she makes - somewhat feigned - cries of help and dodges his attacks, still filming the incident.]
NotJoe: Innocent little girl attacked by vicious Boris Johnson! The Prime Minister commits an assault on both women and democracy! I’m not resisting!
[NotJoe retaliates and kicks Boris in the groin. The impact of the kick plays out in slow-motion with the echoing sound of glass smashing, and Jacob Rees-Mogg yelling “NOOOOO!”. The scene returns to a normal pace as Boris stumbles into the corner of the elevator. Rees-Mogg, in a panic, pats down his fellow MP and also gay lover, making sure he’s okay.]
Rees-Mogg: [to NotJoe] You did this! [to Boris] Oh, honey, are you okay? Let me soothe you.
[Rees-Mogg finds some lotion in his suit pockets and starts rubbing it onto Boris’ groin.]
Rees-Mogg: Does that feel better? [to NotJoe] I can’t believe you would rupture my boss’ precious peaches like this! When I said the left were out to give real men vasectomies, I wasn’t being literal!
NotJoe: Hold on a sec, guys. Let me shift to the reality where this never happened.
[NotJoe plays “binaural beats” on her phone and does an interpretive dance. Rees-Mogg and Boris watch in confusion as NotJoe slithers her hands together and does several ballerina spins. A distant, echoed female voice says “Ethan C…” and a puff of smoke surrounds NotJoe before she emerges from the smoke, stumbling - almost drunkenly - into the centre of the elevator.]
NotJoe: I’m a darn bug guy, kind of a meme but I’m fly, and I’ll never tell a lie. I’ll be swag ‘til I die.
[NotJoe repeats this mantra, making gradual movements towards the two politicians as Boris and Rees-Mogg back themselves into a corner, holding each other closely.]
Boris: If these are our last moments, I want you to know… that you were always my favourite MP in my cabinet.
Rees-Mogg: Oh, thank you, Sir… I couldn’t have done anything without your support. Or your throbbing member.
Boris: Oh, don’t flatter me. If it wasn’t so impressive, I wouldn’t have 26 children. 
Rees-Mogg: Oh, BoJo honey, this really is our last day. I KNEW we’d be swallowed by the Woke Brigade one of these days. Just didn’t know it’d come this soon. Can we share one final embrace, my finest Minister?
Boris: Oh, of course, Moggies. This kiss’ll mean the most.
[Boris and Rees-Mogg place their hands on each other’s faces. The cigarette-addled grit of Boris’ dusty tongue salivates romantic ash into his lover’s unexpecting oesophagus. Rees-Mogg’s thickest of his wrinkly fingers leaps down onto his boss’s shoulders, tightening his grip as NotJoe leans closer, her shadow darkening the scene until it fades entirely into black. We hear the murmuring of members of Parliament, mostly bewildered, some disgusted, as the scene opens from the perspective of a press camera turning on. The reporter is filming the Houses of Parliament, facing the frontbench, wherein Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees-Mogg are having an intense, hot and heavy makeout session. The camera faces the Speaker of the House, Sir , whose demands do not interrupt the two politicians.]
Lindsay Hoyle: ORDER! ORDER! I say, the Conservatives were fine when they were homophobic, but I’m not sure if I appreciate them being homosexual. 
[Parliament enrupts into laughter and hollering across the Commons. Hoyle gives up, lets out an exasperated sigh, and starts reading a pornographic magazine called “'s Sexy Tractors”. The House devolves to chaos. The camera goes to face Keir Starmer.]
Starmer: [standing up] Can the Prime Minister please stop fondling the Honourable Gentleman’s southern constituency?
[Laughter from the Parliament as Starmer sits down. of the stands up as the camera faces her.]
Caroline Lucas: Can we take a moment to distract from the currently-occurring gay sex in the Commons to talk about the state of climate change and the environment?
[The members of Parliament start to boo and holler, with some even throwing tomatoes at Lucas, who sits down, sulking. The camera then faces .]
Peter Bone: The Bone household would very much appreciate it if all press left the vicinity. The British public cannot see us like this.
[This is met with a large affirmative cheer from one side of the Commons, namely the Conservatives. Starmer turns to on the other side, whispering.]
Starmer: Are we corrupt enough to cheer for that also?
Jonathan Ashworth: Absolutely.
[The cheers. We see the camera getting further away from the members of Parliament as the reporter backs away, whilst zooming into certain members of Parliament. Firstly, Caroline Lucas, who is wiping both her tears and tomato juice stains off her dress. Secondly, Boris Johnson, orgasming. Thirdly, , who pulls out a rope from his backpack and seemingly gets prepared to tie a noose. Fourthly, and taking turns kissing a photo of . Finally, and start to swiftly undress and run towards the quickly-growing Tory orgy. Brady presses his hand up against the camera, pushing the reporter outside of the room. Oh, and whilst this decadence occurs, the national anthem, “” is blaring from speakers in Parliament. The reporter continues to face the Parliament as they move away from the building. They accidentally film NotJoe, waiting near the Parliament in military camouflage and holding a rifle. She fires two shots at the camera, cutting the screen to black as “God Save the Queen” continues to play over a completely black, empty scene.]
: [off-screen] God, I need to take a right honourable shit right now.
[The episode ends.]
Category:SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Episodes written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway
Category:NotJoe
Category:Politics
Category:2020s