Episode 107: Florence Henderson/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 107: Florence Henderson.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Florence Henderson!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie, who takes off his hat.
Fozzie 	Prices are so high, yesterday I bought a pound of hamburger and had to have a cosigner.
 	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Miss Florence Henderson!
 	
 	Florence shares a laugh with the monsters from an upcoming number.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	Gonzo successfully strikes the O as the sign rises into the rafters.
==Opening act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, welcome to the show, and what a fantastic program we have for you tonight. Our guest star is the beautiful and talented Florence Henderson. Boy, she is really great. But to open the show, one of the most exciting acrobatic acts in the entire business, the Bouncing Borsalino Brothers. They've been bouncing since they were baby boys. In fact, the doctor wasn't even sure they were boys until they stopped bouncing. So here they are, all the way from Boston, the Bouncing Borsalino Brothers! Yeah!
 	Circus music plays as the brothers run around the stage. They eventually disperse.
Tiny 	El pyramido. The pyramid. (drumroll) One!
 	Brother #1 takes his position.
Tiny 	Two!
 	Brother #2 takes his position next to Brother #1.
Tiny 	Three!
 	Brother #3 takes his position next to Brother #1.
Tiny 	Four!
 	Brother #4 stands on top of #1 and #2.
Tiny 	Five!
 	Brother #5 stands on top of #2 and #3. They start trembling from the pressure.
 	
Tiny 	Six — that's me.
 	He gets on top of #4 and #5, and CRACK! the floor breaks underneath them.
Brother #5	Why did you do that, Tiny?
Tiny 	I didn't do nothin'.
Brother #5	I told you not to get on the top.
Waldorf 	Well, they really brought down the house.
Statler 	Well, at least the stage.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The Borsalino Brothers walk past Kermit, bickering.
Brother #5 	… 975 pounds! I told you not to get on the top!
Kermit 	Uh, you're a big disappointment, you guys.
George the janitor	Hey, will you guys watch it? Hey, watch it.
Kermit 	George? Uh, will you go out there and clean up after the pigs, please?
George the janitor	I am sick and tired of cleaning up after them lousy pigs!
Kermit 	Well, George, you can always quit.
George the janitor	What? And get out of show business?
 	
Kermit 	(scowls) George, will you move the body?
George the janitor	All right, I'll move the body.
 	WHAP! Kermit gets a mop in the face.
George the janitor	(looks down) I moved the body. (walks off)
==Talking Houses==
 	Zoom in on the two left houses.
 	
House 2	My brother has ghosts in his attic.
House 1	Sounds scary.
House 2	Yeah. He's on the Ten Most Haunted list.
 	Zoom out. Musical button.
=="Elusive Butterfly"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, we're happy now, truly, to present a star of stage, screen and television, the mother of six on The Brady Bunch, and the mother of her own bunch of four at home, our guest for the evening, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.
 	
 	Florence fades in and out of a misty forest as she sings "Elusive Butterfly". As the song comes to a close, she disappears for the last time, her tie-dyed muumuu dissolving into a collection of multi-colored butterflies.
==Backstage==
 	The Borsalino Brothers pass Kermit, now wearing bandages.
Brother #5	I told you not to let fatso on the top.
Brother #3	Well don't blame me, Pop, I'm only a young pig.
Kermit 	(shoos them away) Uh, pigs? Listen, pigs. Will you guys get out of here, please? Come on, pigs. Out! Out! Move it! Move it! Get out of here. Out, out, out, out, out!
Miss Piggy	(enamored) Oh, Kermit. You have such a masculine yell.
Kermit 	(unmoved) Oh, yeah.
Miss Piggy	(throws herself at him) Is there anything at all, anything I can do for you, my dear?
Kermit 	Uh, no.
Miss Piggy	Because I want to make you happy.
Kermit 	Uh, good.
Miss Piggy	When you're happy, the pig is happy.
Kermit 	Uh, wonderful.
Miss Piggy	Oh, my love! My life!
 	She starts vigorously making out with him, grunting. Kermit is disgusted when she finishes.
 	
Miss Piggy	Forgive me for being so forward, but I'm a liberated pig. Ta. (trots off)
Kermit 	Must be my animal musk. (winces)
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom. George dances with Mildred, hitting her in the chin.
George the janitor	Two, three, four, two, three...
 	
George the janitor	You know, the trouble with kids today is they don't know what they want. When I was a kid, I never wanted that.
 	Piggy dances wildly with another pig.
Mildred 	They're just a couple of floor hogs.
George the janitor	Yeah. (continues hitting her in the chin)
 	
Purple Heap 	Uh, I don't know, maybe it's the wine talking - in fact, I'm sure it is - but you're beautiful.
Green Heap 	(giggles)
 	Rowlf dances with a woman.
Rowlf 	Aw, tell me the truth. You really don't like dancing with a dog, do you?
Woman 	What makes you say that?
Rowlf 	It's that flea collar you're wearing.
 	George sways Mildred across the floor. Two rats dance.
Male rat 	I think we ought to move out of the ghetto and find ourselves a nice little dump in the suburbs.
Female rat 	Oh, honey, I love you like the plague.
 	The loud lady dances with the green man.
Loud lady 	(softly) Can we take this moment to announce our engagement?
Green man 	Ehh, why not?
Loud lady 	(loudly) Oh! We're engaged! (laughs hysterically) I've waited so long! We're engaged!
==Talk Spot==
 	Kermit and Florence gaze in each others' eyes.
Kermit 	Florence, your eyes are like two limpid pools.
Florence 	Oh, that's very sweet, Kermit.
Kermit 	And when I look into your eyes, I'm spellbound. And when I look into those eyes I see... I see...
 	Enter Piggy, behind Florence.
Florence 	Yes? Come on, tell me what you see.
Kermit 	I see trouble.
Miss Piggy	Hm, hm, hm. Well, well, well. While the pig's away, the frog will play, hm?
Florence 	(giggles) Hi, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Don't "Hi, Piggy" me, you frog stealer!
Kermit 	Piggy, you have it all wrong there. You see...
Miss Piggy	In a pig's eye - I mean, in a person's eye!
Florence 	Yes, you do have it wrong, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Oh?
Florence 	Yes. Kermit was just practicing on me what he really wants to say to you.
Kermit 	(balks) Uh, what?
 	
Miss Piggy	(gasp) You mean it?
Kermit 	No.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermit! Oh! (throws herself at him) My love! My love! My life! Oh, I am like putty in your hands. Putty! Putty!
Florence 	(sings) Cement mixer …
 	Piggy reacts with a blank stare, dropping Kermit.
Florence 	(shrugs) Nothing.
Miss Piggy	(looks around for Kermit) What… What happened? What happened?
Florence 	Piggy. Piggy, come here a minute.
Miss Piggy	Yes?
Florence 	Listen. Can I give you a little tip?
Miss Piggy	Oh, no. There's no need for that. I'm well paid.
Florence 	No. I mean about men.
Miss Piggy	Oh, my dear, I'm sure you know about men. But uh, ahem — honey, make one move toward that frog's bod...
Florence 	Piggy, Kermit and I are old friends, honest.
Miss Piggy	You mean there's nothing...?
Florence 	No, we're just... It's just platonic, really.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Oh! Oh, thank you so much! Thank you! Oh, I'm off to find my love. Oh, oh, oh! (runs off)
Florence 	(giggles) She's crazy.
Kermit 	(comes out of hiding) Has she gone?
Florence 	(giggles) Yes. (strokes his head) She's off to find her love!
Miss Piggy	(rushes back) I told you never to touch him! Hii-yah!
 	She begins karate-chopping and biting Florence while Kermit flinches.
Florence 	Piggy! Stop it …
==UK Spot==
 	Rowlf plays piano.
Rowlf	When I was a puppy, I used to enjoy reading about "Winnie the Pooh." He's a bear, like Fozzie Bear. But, not very much like Fozzie Bear. This is a song he would sing when somebody would say something he didn't quite understand. He could've said, "What?" or "I beg your pardon?" But, Pooh would instead sing this song, which he made up for singing when his his brain felt fluffy. Goes like this...
 	
 	Rowlf performs "Cottleston Pie." As he finishes the first verse...
Rowlf	Now, this is where the song changes key. What we call a "modulation." That's G sharp minor. (resumes singing)
==Panel Discussion==
 	Open on the panel chatting with each other.
Kermit 	Okay. Uh, time once again, friends, to raise the intellectual level of our program, as our panel discusses questions of lasting importance. And our guest tonight is Miss Florence Henderson.
Florence 	Thank you. Good evening, everyone.
Floyd 	Hey, baby.
Miss Piggy	Mm-hm. (poses)
Kermit 	Okay. And tonight's question is. one that has bothered scholars everywhere: "Was William Shakespeare, in fact, Bacon?"
Miss Piggy	(gasps) Is this some kind of bad joke?
Kermit 	I-I-I don't understand, Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Bacon, my love, bacon. I am tired of these continual pig slurs.
Kermit 	Oh.
Miss Piggy	You know, we pigs have feelings too.
Kermit 	Oh, no, no, no, no. You see, I meant Francis Bacon.
Miss Piggy	France's bacon, Italy's bacon, Czechoslovakia's bacon. Who cares? It's all bad taste.
Florence 	Oh, no. Bacon tastes real good. I had some this morning. Really made a pig of myself! (laughs)
Miss Piggy	(gasps) That does it! Pigs of the world, unite!
Kermit 	Piggy. Please, Piggy. We don't have time for that now.
Floyd 	Yeah. Besides, you're always hogging the time. Get it? Hogging? (laughs)
Miss Piggy	Get this, weirdo. Hi-YAH!
 	She beats him to the ground.
Kermit 	Wait a minute! Hold it, hold it, hold it! Wait a minute! Piggy, come on, now. Can we get back to the subject at hand? Miss Piggy, please.
Miss Piggy	(panting) I'm sorry.
Kermit 	Get back over there. Okay, the subject in hand. Florence?
Florence 	Well, there's no question in my mind.
Kermit 	As to what?
Florence 	Nothing. There's no question in my mind. (laughs) No answer either.
 	
Brewster 	We have a saying in my country: "A woman who laughs at her own jokes seldom has branches on her shoetrees."
Florence 	That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Brewster 	So, don't visit our country.
 	Floyd and Piggy begin arguing.
Kermit 	Please. The topic is... The topic is: "Were Shakespeare's works actually written by Francis Bacon?"
 	The Bouncing Borsalino Brothers mob Kermit.
Pig (RH) 	All right, all right. Listen. We've been listening offstage and we've had enough of this garbage about bacon.
Pig (JL) 	Right. We pigs are true artists. Miss Henderson, would you like to see our acrobatic act?
Florence 	Why, yes, I'd love to.
Kermit 	No, no, you don't want to see the acrobatic act...
 	
 	A drumroll sounds as the pigs pile on top of each other and quickly topple.
Pigs 	And one, and... Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Kermit 	Can we get these pigs outta here??
Florence 	It's cute. Cute act.
Pigs 	(moaning)
Kermit 	I'm sorry about that, Miss Henderson, but... Listen, we'll be back next week with another vital question for our panel: "Do attack dogs make good house pets?"
 	Rufus attacks Kermit as the closing music plays. The scene ends in chaos.
Waldorf 	(drowsy) Wha — wake me when the show starts.
 	
Statler 	It's already been on a while.
Waldorf 	Oh. Wake me when it's over.
==Backstage==
 	The chaos continues backstage, with the pigs, Zoot, Hilda and Wayne all arguing with each other.
Kermit 	Hey — we got to get organized around here. Will somebody tell those pigs to knock it off?
Hilda 	(to Zoot) Knock it off!
Zoot 	(to Wayne) Knock it off!
Wayne 	(to pigs) Knock it off!
Kermit 	Now will we knock off the knocking-it-offs?
Wayne 	(to Zoot) Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
Zoot 	(to Hilda) Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
Hilda 	(to pigs) Knock off the knocking-it-offs!
 	
Kermit 	Knock it off! (walks to his desk) You'll not see any more pigs on this show. If I ever see another pig... (sees Piggy) Yeeesh.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermit, every time you yell, it sends a shudder through my body.
Kermit 	Wonderful.
Miss Piggy	I tremble with desire and uncontrollable passion.
Kermit 	Yeah. (stews)
Miss Piggy	In you, I see a seething volcano, ready to erupt like Vesuvius and explode…
Kermit 	(screams) We have a show to do! Will you get out of here? Yes.
Miss Piggy	(sniffs) He loves me.
Kermit 	(sighs) I give up.
Miss Piggy	I knew you would.
 	She throws herself on him, showering him with kissy-kissys.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay, here he comes again now, folks, so stand by, sit tight, hold on and fasten your seatbelts. The Muppet Show 's own furry funnyman, here he is, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	Fozzie comes onstage as his fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, gang. Grab your shoes and grab your socks. Here come the jokes, here come the yucks. Now, tonight I'm gonna try and put something new in my act.
Statler	Ehh. Like comedy, maybe. (laughs with Waldorf)
Fozzie 	Hey, look, guys, I paid a lot of money for this new act and I want to see if it's good, okay?
Statler	Could it possibly be good?
Waldorf	Could it possibly be worse? (laughs with Statler)
Fozzie 	Aahh. Okay, now, tonight I will do impressions of great movie actors from great movies.
Waldorf	Great! Wonderful!
Statler	Love 'em!
Fozzie 	Okay, okay, okay, okay. First, ahem, Humphrey Bogart from Casablanca. Ahem.
 	He takes a few seconds to prepare.
Fozzie 	(normal voice) Play it again, Sam. (no laughs) Okay, okay, okay, okay. Now, next is Jimmy Cagney from Mister Roberts.
 	He takes a few seconds to prepare.
Fozzie 	(normal voice) Who took my palm tree? (no laughs) Okay, next, Cary Grant from all his movies.
 	He takes a few seconds to prepare.
Fozzie 	(normal voice) Judy, Judy, Judy.
 	
Waldorf	Hey, listen, all your impressions sound the same.
Statler	Yeah.
Fozzie 	I can't help that. They were all written by the same writer.
Waldorf	He's got a point there.
Statler	Yeah, on his head. (laughs with Statler)
Fozzie 	Okay, any other impressions? Impressions, huh?
Statler	Yeah. We'd like to see an impression of a bear leaving a stage.
Fozzie 	Gotcha. Gotcha. Presenting a bare stage. (ducks down) Ha! Bare. Get it? I'm a bear. No one on the stage. Oh, I'm terrific! I love me! I'm too good for this show! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
 	His fanfare plays as he leaves.
Waldorf	You know, he's getting better.
Statler	Yeah, or we're getting worse.
=="Happy Together"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Once again, the lovely Miss Florence Henderson.
 	Lenny the Lizard nuzzles noses with Florence.
Lenny 	Ah, Florence. I don't quite know how to say this, but uh, me and a lot of the guys are really fond of you.
Florence	Oh, Lizard, that's very flattering.
 	
 	Lenny is joined by other monsters, who sing "Happy Together" with her.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks over the list.
Kermit 	We didn't have time for Gonzo on the show this week. That's too bad.
Miss Piggy	Ahem. Well, Romeo, how are you and Miss Henderson getting along, hmmm?
Kermit 	Uh, Piggy, jealousy doesn't become you.
Miss Piggy	Jealous? Moi? (laughs) 'Tis to laugh. (laughs) I'm just glad that other women find my frog attractive.
Kermit 	Uh, your frog? Uh, Piggy, uh, said the frog, trying to couch his next words in the gentlest of terms: I AM NOT YOUR FROG!!
Miss Piggy	Methinks thou doth protest too much.
Kermit 	What?
 	
Miss Piggy	… Shakespeare.
Kermit 	Sounds more like Bacon. From a ham.
Miss Piggy	(gasp) How would you like a pork chop? Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him, then stomps him to the ground. The Bouncing Borsalino Brothers gather around and laugh at Kermit, who's on the floor.
Miss Piggy	You always hurt the one you love.
 	Kermit gets up, but she stomps him back down.
==Blackout==
 	Sweetums and Florence encounter each other while walking.
Sweetums	Oh! Florence! Ya know, I could really fall for you.
 	
Florence	(nuzzles him) Aww, Sweetums. Are you serious?
 	Sweetums falls forward. Flo's jaw drops.
Florence	(to viewer) He's serious.
==Planet Koozebane==
 	
Kermit	This is Kermit the Frog speaking to you from the planet Koozebane. There's a hush in the air. This is the traditional time of courtship of the Koozebanian creatures. We're waiting now for the male Koozebanian creature to make the first move.
 	A high-pitched screech is heard from inside a cave.
Kermit	Hark! That may be him now.
 	The male creature comes out and makes the signal towards another cave.
Kermit	Now, that is the "wonk wonk" signal to the female creature. Let's see if she makes the traditional response.
 	Hysterical laughter is heard from the second cave.
Kermit	Yeah, that is the traditional response to the wonk wonk.
 	The female creature comes out of the second cave, laughing.
 	
Kermit	Ah, there she is, and what a beauty. Now the tender ritual begins. Watch as the male makes the first overture to the female, known as the "hargee".
Male 	(running in circles) Hargee! Hargee! Haaargee!
Female	(hysterical laughter)
Kermit	I believe she likes him.
Male 	(running in circles) Hii-yoo! Hii-yoo! Hiiii-yoo!
 	He flips in the air and lands. She strikes her nose against him.
Kermit	Boy, did you see that? That was the signal. They're going to do the "galley-oh-hoop-hoop".
 	The creatures face away from each other and begin marching.
Kermit	Oh. This should be very exciting. It's a television first, ladies and gentlemen, the Koozebanian galley-oh-hoop-hoop. Watch closely, now. They're going far away. He's just about to make his turn now.
Male 	Hey you, mar broobee!
Female	(eyes bulging) Me maboobee!
Male 	O-o-o-o-o-oh, yahoo!
Female	Wow! Stavite!
Kermit	This is it, ladies and gentlemen, the galley-oh-hoop-hoop.
Male 	GALLEY-OHHHHH!
Female	HOOP! HOOP!
 	They run towards each other. The collision results in a puff of smoke, and the fallout is a litter of baby creatures.
Kermit	Well, there you have it, friends. Once again, love comes to Koozebane.
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, that's about all the show we have for you tonight. We want to thank our very special guest, Miss Florence Henderson! Yaaay!
 	Applause as she comes out.
Kermit 	Oh, hey, listen, uh, thank you, Florence, for being our guest. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did.
Florence	Oh, you know I did, Kermit, especially our love scene. (gives him a kiss)
Kermit 	Whoo!
Fozzie 	Wire for Miss Henderson. Wire for Miss Henderson. Are you Miss Henderson?
 	
Florence	You know I am, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	There's a wire for you. (holds up a coat hanger) Aaah.
 	She hangs it on his nose.
Kermit 	Well, that does it. Folks, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The Muppets gather around as the credits roll.
Statler 	I loved it.
Waldorf 	So what? You also loved World War II.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts