LT Bloopers/Episode Guide/Transcript(Looney Tunes intro Bloopers 59)

Sam: Places, everyone! Roll camera! Shoe the keeld!
Sidney: What's a keeld?
Sam: What did you say, Sidney?
Sidney: I said "what's a keeld"?
Sam: I'm not sure I follow you, Sidney.
Dave: You said "shoe the keeld", Sam, and Sidney just asked what a keeld is.
Mike: Does a keeld wear shoes?
Mary: Or does it go barefoot?
Anna: Sam's moving in for a keeld! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Dave: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sam: What's so funny, Dave?
Dave: "Shoe the keeld!" Hahahahahahahahahahaha soi soi soi soi rofl rofl rofl rofl!
Sam: Steal my laugh line once more, Dave, and I'll shoe your keeld!
Sidney: I get it! "Shoe the keeld" is a spoonerism of "cue the shield"!
(Cut to the Looney Tunes rings and the theme song plays, but nothing appears and the theme screeches to a halt.)
Sam: Hold on! I'm the director! I'm the one who says "cue the shield".
Sidney: Sorry I jumped on you.
Sam: Roll camera! Cue the shield!
(The Warner Bros. Shield zooms in, but it only has "W" with no "B".)
Sam: Uh, Scotty?
Scotty: What, Sam?
Sam: Where's the B?
Scotty: Back in the hi--
Jimmy: Take it easy, Scotty!
Hank: You know Sam gets pissed off when he asks "Where's the B" and you say "Back in the hive".
Guy: That joke is so old.
Sam: How old is it?
Dave: So old that Adam told it to Eve in the Garden of Eden.
(The WB Shield appears again, but it only has "B" with no "W".)
Beulah: Ah, here's the B.
Abby: But where's the W?
Mike: Probably went to the hive to retrieve the B! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sam: (screams angrily) ASSWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPE!!
Mike: Take it easy, Mike. Sam just had a gut reaction. Stay. Cool. Uh-oh! Tantrum. Coming. On. Now! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! EVERY TIME I TEASE MICROSOFT SAM HE CALLS ME AN ASSWIPE! WELL, SAM, I WANT YOU TO STOP IT, YOU HEAR ME? STOP IT YOU SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH SONOFABITCH!!! (BOOM!!)
(The WB Shield appears again, but the letters are gone!)
LH Michael: Look, Michelle; a blank shield.
LH Michelle: It must be a fan of "Match Game".
Sam: (screams again) SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYY!
Scotty: (screams back) SAAAAAAAAAAAAM!
Sam: Don't mock me, Scotty. Where are the letters?
Scotty: Don't get so hyper, Sam. You wanted the shield, didn't you?
Sam: But where are the letters?
Scotty: Coming right up, you tyrant!
Sam: I AM NOT A TYRANT!
(The letters "WB" zoom in without the shield!)
Dave: Letters, we get letters.
Sidney: We get your letters every day.
Sam: (screams again) SCOTTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!
Scotty: (screams again) Quit yelling at me, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!
Sam: I want the letters on the shield, you hear me?! The letters on the shield!
Scotty: All right, all right! Sheesh!
Dave: (in a low voice) Shush the sheesh!
(The WB Shield appears again, but it zooms in even closer and instead of "WB", it literally says "The letters on the shield!")
Mike: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Did you see that, Mary?
Mary: Sam wanted the letters on the shield and look what he got!
Anna: The shield says "The letters on the shield"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Sam: (snaps) RADAR OVERSEER SCOTTY!! YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRED!!!
Scotty: Fired?...FIRED!?...NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN, MICROSOFT SAM! THINK OF MY FAMILY AND MY LOVED ONES! IF YOU DON'T RE-HIRE ME I'LL KILL MYSELF AND YOU'LL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE YOU DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS DOOFUS!!! (BOOM!!)
Dave: You heard him, Sam! If you don't re-hire him, I'm telling Mr. Warner on you!
Sam: (grabs Scotty) Bullshit! Scotty's firing is justified, you hear?! Justified!
Scotty: Put me down, you control freak!
Beulah: (angrily) You heard him, Sam! Do you want Mr. Warner to nail you to the WB Shield again?
Dave: Re-hire Scotty or I call Mr. Warner!
(In an act of criminal offense, Sam sets Scotty down and takes him hostage. He puts a gun to Scotty's head.)
Sam: You'll do nothing of the kind, Dave!
Scotty: (distressed) Sam, get that goddamn gun out of my face!
Sam: (announces) Don't make any move to call Mr. Warner or Radar Overseer Scotty gets a hole in the head! I mean it!
(The WB Shield appears again, but in response to Sam's hostage-taking of Scotty, the captions say "Warner Bros. Pictures Inc. Resents...MICROSOFT SAM!")
Officer Flanigan: (appears) What's going on here?
Dave: Microsoft Sam's holding Scotty hostage, Officer Flanigan.
Officer Flanigan: All right, Microsoft Sam, what's the big idea? Release Radar Overseer Scotty immediately!
(Sam continues to aim his gun to Scotty's head.)
Sam: No dice, Officer! I demand ransom!
Dave: Ransom?
Sam: Promise not to tell Mr. Warner and I'll let Scotty live.
Dave: And you'll re-hire Scotty?
Sam: Why should I re-hire a chronic insubordinate?
Dave: Because I outrank you in this studio, that's why!
Officer Flanigan: Release Scotty now and I promise no charges will be filed against you.
(Reluctantly, Sam finally releases Scotty.)
Sam: Well, all right. You talked me into it.
Officer Flanigan: But next time, watch it!
Scotty: Gee, it feels good to be free again.
Beulah: (hugs Scotty) Oh Scotty! I love you!
Scotty: (hugs Beulah) I love you too.
(Furiously, Sam holds the two at gunpoint, thus taking them both hostage.)
Sam: Oh no you don't! I disapprove of your being together! Scotty, if you even propose to Beulah, you're both dead, you hear me?! D-E-A-D dead!
Dave: Don't make me bring Officer Flanigan back to arrest you!
(Sam turns his attention to Dave and points his gun at him.)
Sam: If you do, Dave, I'll sic the Devil and She-Devil on you!
Dave: And if you do that, Sam, I'll call on God and the Angel to beat them back.
Sam: All right, davemadson, you asked for it!
(The Devil and She-Devil show up in the Looney Tunes rings with the VID Theme accompanying them.)
Beulah: (shocked) Oh noes! Not the Devil and She-Devil again!
Abby: (shocked) Grab hold of the nearest cross!
Devil: Hands off of those roods!
She-Devil: You know they make our tails grow limp!
Dave: No, no, no, no, NO! Sam, don't you know I got a restriction on the Devil and She-Devil's appearances in my videos?! Get them out of here!
Officer Flanigan: Microsoft Sam, I'm putting you under arrest for taking Scotty and Beulah hostage.
Sam: (protests) Stay right where you're at, Officer! One false move, and I'll have the Devil and She-Devil torment not only Scotty and Beulah but davemadson as well!
Dave: I lift my call to God Almighty.
God: (appears) I hear your call, davemadson.
Angel: (appears) Are these infernal imps bothering you again?
Dave: Truth is, Sam coaxed them into coming here.
Sam: (fiercely) You stoolie, Dave!
God: For shame, Microsoft Sam! I should just let the Devil and She-Devil torment you for your actions here.
Devil: You see? Even the Almighty says Sam's actions are shameful.
She-Devil: All the more reason for us to claim him.
Dave: Get thee behind me, Devil and She-Devil! I stand unmoved by your wicked, wicked ways.
She-Devil: (grabs Dave) Wanna bet, Dave? You and I need some time alone together.
Beulah: (shocked) Jeez Louise! The She-Devil's taken Dave hostage!
Abby: (angrily, to the She-Devil) You leave Dave alone! He's mine!
She-Devil: (turns to Abby) Do you mind? Away with you!
(The She-Devil zaps Abby until it results in an explosion, knocking her out.)
SFX: BOOM!!
(Abby is now on the floor, unconscious with her clothes damaged.)
Beulah: (alarmed) Abby!
Devil: She'll be in our hands soon enough.
She-Devil: (still holding Dave) If our demands are not met by midnight, everyone in this studio will be ours forever!
Angel: What demands?
Devil: Let me take control of Microsoft Sam.
She-Devil: And let me take control of davemadson. I like his style.
Dave: Really, She-Devil! You're too dangerous for me!
Abby: (wakes up, dazed) Who...what...where am I?
Beulah: Relax, Abby. You'll be all right.
Devil: That's far enough!
She-Devil: Give us Sam and Dave or we'll shit all over you!
God: Unacceptable! Take that!
(He zaps the Devil and She-Devil until it culminates in a massive explosion. The words "GIGANTIC EXPLOSION!!" appear.)
SFX: B-B-B-B-BOOM!!!
(The Devils fall down through the Looney Tunes rings.)
SFX: LOUD CRASH!!
Devil: (dazed) Curses! Foiled again!
She-Devil: (dazed) Oh davemadson, I wish one day the two of us could be alone together.
Dave: (offscreen) The only way that would happen is if Hell freezes over.
She-Devil: (dazed) Oh sphincter!
(Fade out, then fade back into the rings again with text of narration over them, concerning the aftermath of the hostage incident.)
Sidney: (narrating) Officer Flanigan took Sam into custody and booked him on charges of hostage-taking. Dave re-hired Scotty and took over the task of directing. And the Looney Tunes Intro Bloopers continue...
(Instead of the WB Shield, the caption "Warner Bros. Pictures Inc." zooms in.)
Dave: No, that's not right.
(Instead of the WB Shield, the caption "Presents" zooms in.)
Mike: Presents?
Mary: You have presents for me?
Anna: If they release Sam, I hope he'll buy me presents.
Dave: It won't be easy. Hostage-taking is a serious offense.
(Instead of the WB Shield, the Looney Tunes caption zooms in.)
Scotty: Uh-oh! Methinks I goofed again.
Jimmy: Youthinks right, Scotty.
Hank: The shield should come in before the Looney Tunes caption.
Guy: Will they release Sam anytime soon?
Sidney: If the case goes to trial, I don't see that happening.
(Instead of the WB Shield, the Merrie Melodies caption zooms in.)
Mary: They're playing my song again.
LH Michael: You always say that when the Merrie Melodies caption appears?
Mary: I can't help it, LH Michael.
LH Michelle: That's understandable. I'd react the same way if the caption said "LH Michelle Melodies".
Dave: I just got off the phone with Officer Flanigan.
Beulah: What did he say, Dave?
Dave: Thanks to confessions from Sam and a plea deal, he won't see any jail time.
Abby: That's a relief, Dave.
Dave: However, he will need psychiatric care, since he suffered a relapse into control freak tendencies.
Anna: I'll burn a candle in the window for him.
(Instead of the WB Shield, the phrase "That's all, Folks!" zooms in.)
Sidney: Not again, Scotty.
Scotty: Sorry. I just haven't been the same since that hostage incident.
Beulah: (hugs Scotty) Don't worry, Scotty. I still love you.
Scotty: (hugs Beulah) And I still love you too, Beulah.
Abby: And I love you, Dave.
Dave: I love you too, Abby. Let's take the rest of the day off and pick things up in the morning.
Category:Transcripts