Thwack-a-Mole (quest)

is a Quest in Final Fantasy XIV: A Realm Reborn.
==Journal==
* Wings twitching and fur standing on end, the deputy postmoogle hands you a package addressed to a researcher by the name of Marcette. Do your best to put the stench of the package and the moogle's curious behavior out of mind as you make the delivery to Dunstan's Spire, where Marcette is engaged in fieldwork.
* You deliver the package to Marcette, who proceeds to berate her hapless research assistant Hobriaut for misinterpreting her order. Summarily enlisting you as one of her lackeys, she commands you to make for the Royal Plantations in central Thanalan, where you are to procure one live mole pup for use in her next experiment. One of the botanists there should be able to assist you.
* The botanist Gagari furnishes you with the proper tools and educates you in the fundamentals of mole-catching. First, set the bundle of weeds you received atop the mole hole.
* The entrance to the mole's subterranean nest is now covered with weeds. Set them alight using the flint stone furnished to you to flood the tunnels with smoke and lure your quarry to the surface.
* The mole pup has emerged from the hole along with its mother, understandably less than pleased with your incursion into her home. Slay the vicious critter and claim the specimen that Marcette seeks.
* You are now the proud owner of one newborn mole pup─a rather cute little critter, when all is said and done. Deliver it to Marcette at Dunstan's Spire, and hope that she will be gentle.
* No sooner did Marcette take the mole pup in hand than did she rain blows down all around the poor unwitting beast. She proceeds to explain that the point of her experiment was to prove her hypothesis that moles sense danger not with their oversized eyes, but by the vibrations around them. Quick to declare the experiment a success, she gloats at having once again shown up her erstwhile teacher, Atelloune, and mercifully affords you and another one of her test subjects a chance at escape...
==Objectives==
* Deliver the parcel to Marcette at Dunstan's Spire.
* Speak with Gagari at the Royal Plantations.
* Place the bundle of weeds atop the mole hill.
* Use the light flint stone to set the weeds alight.
* Retrieve the mole pup.
* Deliver the mole pup to Marcette at Dunstan's Spire.
==Script==
script 	script
 	
Lettermoogle 	W-Well, if it isn't my most accomplished assistant! You truly could not have come at a b–better time. I have just the p–perfect assignment for you!
Lettermoogle 	This parcel here must be delivered to one M-Marcette, a naturalist doing research on fauna at Dunstan's Spire in the Central Shroud. Brains, beauty, grace─why, I envy you for being able to bask in her brilliance. Sadly, my supervisory duties demand that I remain in this spot.
Lettermoogle 	Er, anyhow, you might want to hurry with that package. And try not to mind the smell, kupo!
 	
Lettermoogle 	The parcel you carry must be delivered to one M-Marcette, a naturalist doing research on fauna at Dunstan's Spire in the Central Shroud. Brains, beauty, grace─why, I envy you for being able to bask in her brilliance. Sadly, my supervisory duties demand that I remain in this spot.
Lettermoogle 	Er, anyhow, you might want to hurry with that package. And try not to mind the smell, kupo!
 	
Marcette 	You there! Research Assistant Sixty-two! Or was it twenty-six? Bah! Who even cares what your number is!? You're late, late, late! Hand over my package at once!
Marcette 	Yesss, come to me, my─what in the seven hells is this!? Apricot! If this is your idea of a joke, my next experiment will be to measure how many lightning sparks can fit up your worthless arse!
Hobriaut 	I-It's...ah...“Hobriaut,” P-Professor. With a silent─
Marcette 	Silence, Halfly-toe! You should fall to your knees and thank the Twelve that I deign to address you by any name at all! Now answer me: what in the name of Nophica's teats am I supposed to do with this rubbish!?
Hobriaut 	But I swear, P-Professor, I placed the order exactly as─
Marcette 	This is raw mole meat, Hogglenoe! I asked for a live mole─living, as in what you won't be doing when I'm through with you!
Marcette 	Gahhh! Research Assistant Number Eight Hundred Thirty-two! Time to prove that you're the only one around here worth your weight in goobbue droppings!
Marcette 	My current research project is a study of the behavior of those troublesome talpids─moles, to a layman such as yourself.
Marcette 	You need not concern yourself with the specifics of my research, which would be far beyond your feeble mind. You need only know that I require one live mole pup, and I require it now!
Marcette 	The blank stare on your face tells me that you lack even the common knowledge that the Royal Plantations of Ul'dah are known to be infested with the filthy creatures, and that any half-wit botanist who works there could educate you as to how to capture one.
Marcette 	Am I not making myself clear, Research Assistant Seven-seventy-seven!? You! The Royal Plantations! A live mole pup! To me! Now!
 	
Hobriaut 	How was I supposed to know the professor required a live specimen? I assumed she was just going to skin it and eat it like she did with the last one...
Marcette 	Am I not making myself clear, Research Assistant Seven-seventy-seven!? You! The Royal Plantations! A live mole pup! To me! Now!
Marcette 	I swear to the gods, if you come back empty-handed, I'll make you into mincemeat and feed you to the ziz!
 	
Gagari 	Looking to nab yourself a mole, are you? You'll hear no argument from me─cute little buggers, but leave them to their own devices and they're more than happy to eat us out of house and home.
Gagari 	Fortunately, they're more belly than brains─simple enough to snag one if you have the right tools. First of all, you're going to want to set this bundle of weeds atop one of their mole holes.
Gagari 	Then, take this flint stone and set the weeds aflame. Smoke will flood the tunnel, and the moles'll come bursting to the surface for a breath of fresh air.
Gagari 	Mind you, I said moles, plural─your little pup won't put up much of a fight, but his mother won't be so keen to part with her young. You'd best brace yourself for a fight.
 	
Gagari 	Thankfully, moles are more belly than brains─simple enough to snag with the tools I gave you. First of all, you're going to want to set a bundle of weeds atop one of their mole holes.
Gagari 	Then, use that flint stone to set the weeds aflame. Smoke will flood the tunnel, and the moles'll come bursting to the surface for a breath of fresh air.
Gagari 	Mind you, I said moles, plural─your little pup won't put up much of a fight, but his mother won't be so keen to part with her young. You'd best brace yourself for a fight.
Popmessage 	With a squeal of fury, the mother mole is upon you!
 	
Marcette 	Research Assistant Whatever-your-number-was! I swear to the gods, if you've come back empty-handed, I'll use you for my next research specimen!
Marcette 	Well, look at this! A mole pup! A scrawny little runt if I ever saw one, but what can I say─my experience with certain research assistants has left me with a soft spot for half-wits, monsters, and ugly things.
Marcette 	Don't worry, my misshapen beauty, I'll be very, verrry gentle. Apricot! You'd best be taking notes!
Marcette 	Die, foul vermin! Die, die, die! Bwahahahahahaha!!!
Hobriaut 	P-Professor, what are you doing to the poor beast!?
Marcette 	To the seventh hell with you, I say! Ahahahahahaha!
Hobriaut 	In Nophica's name, Professor, h-have mercy!
Marcette 	And once again, my hypothesis proves true!
Marcette 	Have you never found it strange that─despite spending the better part of their lives in tunnels beneath the soil─moles possess unusually large eyes?
Marcette 	Of course you haven't, because you possess the mental faculties of a dimmer-than-average dormouse. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that I have.
Marcette 	My self-styled teacher Atelloune posited that their eyes grew large that they might better see their prey in the darkness, but I thought─no, I knew different!
Marcette 	I theorized that their eyes─regardless of their size─were nigh useless. That they did not see, but rather felt the vibrations around them to identify potential prey─and foes.
Marcette 	Did you see how the mole pup─its eyes still shut─squealed and squirmed in abject terror as I rained blows down all around him? Once again it is proven! Atelloune is a fool─the student has surpassed the teacher!
Marcette 	I would retain the pup for further study, but I have another mole that has outgrown its usefulness─consider it yours. What should you do with it? How should I know!? Burn it, vivisect it, skin it and eat it for all I care! Just get it─and yourself─out of my sight. Research calls!
Quest complete.	Quest complete.
Category:Side Story Quests in Final Fantasy XIV