Oppress the Access

This is the 33rd episode of Hoopla's Fantastic Beach, and the 5th episode of season 3.
== Transcript ==
(Continuing from the previous episode, Hoopla ends up on the other side of the wormhole into a new dimension)
Hoopla: (looks around) Oh it looks fine- Oh good god never mind. I gotta hide.
(The camera pans across the town of Bikini Bottom, large parts of it being destroyed and set on fire. Hoopla spots an abandoned store with several broken windows, and hides inside it)
???: My name is John. Yours?
Hoopla: Hoopla.
John: Weird name.
Hoopla: Ditto. What kind of name is John?! Sounds like a giraffe's name or something.
John: You're… not from here, are you?
Hoopla: Nope. What exactly is going on right now? It feels like 90 seasons have passed up in here or something.
John: World War 4.
Hoopla: WORLD WAR 4?!!! What the hoopla?
John: Do you need a moment to-
Hoopla: Nah, I've seen weirder.
John: Oh. So basically, there’s two sides to this war: Bikini Bottom and the Access. I’m team Bikini Bottom.
Hoopla: I’m from Bikini Bottom so yeah.
John: But you just said-
Hoopla: Yeah, yeah. An alternate dimension Bikini Bottom. Where there's no war and such.
John: Whoa really?! Could I come?
Hoopla: Ha ha, no.
John: Well, do you think you could at least help us here?
Hoopla: (thinking to himself) Well, I am supposed to fix dimensions. But I don’t think I can stop a war. I usually cause them, to be honest. But I guess helping them could get me out of here.
John: Well?
Hoopla: Fine, I’ll help your cause. What do you want me to do? 
John: You could look around for some weapons to supply for us. 
Hoopla: Alright, that isn’t too bad.
John: Great. We’re gonna need them soon, though, so don’t dilly-dally.
Hoopla: Okay. (he heads off to find weapons) Weapons, weapons, weapons. Something to hurt people with. A-ha! (he finds a spiky object) This should work. (he finds a half-working gun) Ooh! (he then finds a bunch of other shiny stuff in a montage. Hoopla runs back to John to give him the supplies)
John: Holy crabapples. That’s a lot of stuff. Where did you get this much?
Hoopla: Most of it was from an abandoned store. Actually I think we’re in it right now.
John: Oh. Why didn’t I think of that? Doesn’t matter. We now have a fighting chance against the Access now, thanks to you.
Hoopla: You’re telling me you barely had any weapons before this?! You’re going into a war, and you have to rely on ME of all people?!
John: Umm… yeah… 
Hoopla: Great, now my name is getting into the history books. Everyone will have to learn about me. Incredible.
John: I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm.
Hoopla: No, I'm serious. This is the greatest day of my life!
John: We're on the losing side.
(Hoopla's smile drops.)
Hoopla: Well...uh...then I shall be the one to save you! I'll carry the whole team! Remember what happened at Stalingrad?
John: Those darn Soviets…
Hoopla: I’ve played both Bikini Bottom: Battle Royale and SpongeBobUnknown’s Battlegrounds, so I’ve had quite some experience with this.
John: If you say so.
(Meanwhile…)
Fred: Bikini Bottom’s got nothing on us. They have nothing to attack us with. They’re only able to hide. They can’t escape us.
Access soldier: I wouldn’t say that, sir. Someone named Hoopla gave Bikini Bottom a boatload of weapons. Metaphorically speaking of course.
Fred: Hoopla? What sort of name is that?! 
Access soldier: I dunno, but I feel like he could be a problem. It's almost as if he's just cross-overed out of nowhere.
Fred: Cross-overed? I think you’ve been going a little cuckoo lately.
Access soldier: Whatever.
Fred: I think I know what I must do with Hoopla.
Access soldier: What?
Fred: Kill him.
Access soldier: That went dark fast… I like it.
Fred: Okay, then. I’m going for it. See you in approximately 15 minutes.
(Fred leaves, and goes out searching for Hoopla. Cut back to Hoopla and John.)
Hoopla: -and then the weird portal lady said I had to go dimension-hopping for some reason so here I am. So, what do you like doing for fun?
John: I like talking to myself a lot. It helps.
Hoopla: ...ok then.
(They hear footsteps)
John: Quick! Hide in the store!
Hoopla: But there’s windows-
John: There’s no time!
(They both hide inside the abandoned store from earlier. Fred easily spots them.i)
Fred: There’s the little troublemaker. It’s assassination time. (he grabs a sniper rifle and a house)
John: (whispering) I don’t think he realizes we can hear him.
Fred: I can hear you too.
(Hoopla screams)
John: Quick Hoopla! Catch this! (he throws Hoopla a sharp dagger) I only use it for emergencies like these. Use it!
Hoopla: I’ll try.
Fred: So you think you can outsmart me, eh? Well you got one thing comin’ towards ya-
(Hoopla stabs him in the leg with the dagger)
Fred: MY LEG! (laugh track) My only weakness!
Hoopla: Whoopee what a surprise.
John: Quick, let’s get outta here! (he grabs Hoopla by the arm and runs away from Fred)
Fred: Agh… this has got to be the worst shape my leg’s been in. Probably won’t catch them anytime soon.
(John and Hoopla are now outside the bunker)
John: You’ll be safe in here. I’ll be in the cellar for… disclosed reasons. Toodles.
Hoopla: But wait- (John has already left) Dangit. I guess now we play the waiting game.
(Hoopla waits several hours for something to happen. Eventually, something happens.)
John: I’m finally back.
Hoopla: What took you so long?
John: Long story. Can’t tell it now, though. I have to be on the lookout.
Hoopla: So what can I do?
John: I think you’ve done more than enough for us. You’re still safe here rather than out there.
Hoopla: Okay I guess.
John: Don’t do anything stupid, for the love of neptune. (he leaves Hoopla on his own)
Hoopla: I gotta do something. Boredom is taking over my body. Let’s see here… weapons, weapons, weapons, a diamond sword- wait what? A diamond sword? Oh yes I need this. (he tries to pick it up from the ground, but it is too heavy for him, and an alarm sounds)
SpongeBob: The alarm sounded!
Patrick: Who did this?!
SpongeBob: We’re about to find out.
Patrick: Oh I found who it is. It’s the little green guy.
SpongeBob: I heard his name is Hoopla. I’ll go take a look.
(He goes over to Hoopla to see that he tried to pick up the sword)
SpongeBob: What are you doing?! You can’t do that! We just got that thing rebuilt!
Patrick: You know what? I want the sword now.
SpongeBob: Patrick, we all know I’m the one who needs the sword the most.
Patrick: But the sword looks fun!
Hoopla: Oh boy.
(SpongeBob and Patrick each grab one end of the sword and try to get it for themselves. It eventually flies away from their hands, and John spots it.)
John: The diamond sword? This is something important to fight over.
Hoopla: I know, right?
John: I gotta get in on this action!
Hoopla: I was being sarcasti-
John: Too late now. (he gets involved in the sword tug of war)
Patrick: We all know it’s mine!
SpongeBob: No, it’s mine!
John: You guys are worthless. It’s obviously mine!
Patrick: You've already had enough screen time! Give some of it to-
Hoopla: Guys, guys!
(They all look at Hoopla)
Hoopla: Our Sword. (USSR Theme plays)
John: Those darn Soviets.
Hoopla: Indeed.
(After a pause, the three go back to fighting. Meanwhile, Paddy and SquidClone are looking at a chalkboard)
Paddy: Why couldn’t it have been a whiteboard?
SC: It’s the only thing I could find of use in that abandoned school. You should probably quit whining and get to thinking. How can we defeat the Access?
Paddy: I got it! Why don’t we try to make peace?
SC: Paddy, that never works!
Paddy: Not the way I believe it should.
SC: This isn’t believing. This is war.
Paddy: I guess you’re right. I’ll have to think about it.
(Back in the bunker, the three are still fighting)
Hoopla: Why are you fighting over this? Why can’t you do a coin flip to see who gets it?
Patrick: Hoopla you’re a genius! (lets go of the sword, and John and SpongeBob follow suit)
SpongeBob: How is this even gonna work?
Patrick: It’s simple. We flip a coin, and… oh wait it only works with two people.
Hoopla: Then do rock paper scissors instead I guess.
Patrick: Good idea.
(SpongeBob chooses rock, and Patrick chooses paper)
Patrick: You thought I was gonna pick rock, haha.
SpongeBob: Darn.
Patrick: Now to do the same with John.
(John chooses scissors, and Patrick chooses paper again)
Patrick: Dang it!
John: The sword is all mine now. Losers.
Hoopla: Well, now that this pointless conflict is resolved, what do we do next?
SpongeBob: I think we’re almost ready to fight. All we need now is some more fighters.
Hoopla: Like a fighting game?
SpongeBob: No, I mean like recruits.
Hoopla: Oh.
SpongeBob: I’m gonna send you and Patrick to Galleon Pass.
Hoopla: What’s Galleon Pass?
SpongeBob: It’s some body of water in the Davao Sea Region.
Hoopla: I’m just gonna pretend what that is, too. Also, why Patrick?
SpongeBob: Because he’s hardly done anything productive lately besides scratch himself.
Patrick: Hey, I just went on a long journey to get a sword I can’t even use! I need a break.
SpongeBob: No you don’t. Go on, you two. Have fun. Not.
(Patrick and Hoopla exit the bunker and head for Galleon Pass using a map)
Hoopla: How long will this journey last?
Patrick: Probably as long as the last one.
Hoopla: And how long did that one last?
Patrick: An eternity.
(Hoopla gulps)
(Ten excruciating hours later…)
Patrick: Finally we’re here.
(Hoopla is heavily panting, and falls to the ground)
Patrick: Yep that was definitely an eternity.
Hoopla: You’re telling me. I’m about to pass out!
Patrick: I can give you my water canister.
Hoopla: Please do.
(Patrick gives Hoopla his water canister, but sees that it’s empty)
Patrick: Oops. I need that back. I’m thirsty again. (he takes back the canister and drinks the air)
Hoopla: You’re drinking air.
Patrick: But we’re underwater.
Hoopla: Oh yeah. Just forget it then.
Patrick: Let's just find some recruits so we can get out of here.
Hoopla: Yeah, this place is already making me uncomfortable.
(They search around the rubble for any survivors. Eventually they find a scrawny-looking octopus hidden behind a boat)
Patrick: Squidward, it's you!
Hoopla: I don't think that's Squi-
(Patrick runs up to the octopus and hugs him)
Octopus: Can you get off me? I'm hiding from the Access.
Patrick: Perfect. We need you as a fighter for Bikini Bottom against the Access.
Octopus: I'm not from Bikini Bottom. I'll join your group though, I'm tired of being hunted down by the Access.
Patrick: Good! Just follow us for now and you should be fine.
Octopus: Okay.
Patrick: I wonder how many fighters SpongeBob wanted.
Hoopla: As many as we can find I guess.
(A montage plays of the trio finding recruits hiding under rubble in Galleon Pass, ranging from a squid to an eel to another oopla)
Hoopla: Dad?
Random oopla: OOPLA- I mean no. I don't even know who you are.
Hoopla: Oh.
Patrick: I think we have enough recruits. Let's go home… to the bunker.
(10 more hours later…)
Hoopla: Phew! I’m exhausted.
Patrick: Me too, but we have to keep moving. We’re almost there.
(They arrive at the bunker, and lay on the ground)
SpongeBob: What are you laying on the ground for?
Hoopla: Ti-ired.
Patrick: (yawning) 20 hours… pain… many recruits…
SpongeBob: How many?
(The bunker opens to reveal 10000+ recruits)
SpongeBob: Holy fish paste! Well it looks like we’ve got a pretty good-sized army now.
Hoopla: Thank god, now I can rest.
SpongeBob: Not just yet, Hoopla. I can feel the final battle approaching.
(Meanwhile…)
Paddy: I’m still thinking…
SC: My squiddy senses are tingling.
Paddy: What?
SC: The final battle. It’s coming.
Paddy: How the hell do you know?
SC: I just do.
Paddy: But we don’t know how to defeat the Access!
SC: We’re just gonna have to wing it, okay?
(SC climbs up the bunker over to the floor where John is on)
SC: John, we need to declare a final battle against the Access.
John: Are you crazy? We’re gonna die for sure!
SpongeBob: Ahem. (he points to the 10K+ recruits that just showed up)
John: Holy crap. We might actually be able to do this. Wait, but we only have 20,000 soldiers. The Access probably has millions.
Erving: Hey what did I miss? I was too busy getting more bullets- MY GOD.
John: Who got these recruits?
SpongeBob: Patrick and Hoopla, sir.
John: Patrick, Hoopla (whatever kind of name that is), thank you.
Hoopla: You’re welcome I guess.
(Patrick is snoring)
John: Oh ok then. Let’s go, everyone!
(Everyone goes outside to go fight the Access, except Hoopla and SC)
Fred: They’re coming out! Let the fight… COMMENCE!
(Around 1.5 million soldiers come rushing towards the small Bikini Bottom army of only 20 thousand. All hope seems lost.)
John: (gulps)
SpongeBob: I knew this was a horrible idea.
(Meanwhile…)
SC: Hoopla, I need to tell you something real quick.
Hoopla: Yeah?
SC: While I was thinking of how to defeat the Access, I had a brilliant idea. Well actually I just came up with it on the spot but whatever. The key to defeating the Access is YOU.
Hoopla: Me? Oh no no no. I can’t do this. I just can’t.
SC: Yes you can. You have to.
Hoopla: I’m not ready to get traumatized. I don’t want any ‘nam flashbacks.
SC: Well it's already too late for me. Not you though. Hmmm…. I got it! We have a cloning machine on the next-to-bottom floor. Follow me.
(Hoopla and SC take the bunker’s elevator, and go to the next-to-bottom floor, where several lab equipment is shown, including a fancy clone machine)
Hoopla: Wow, that’s a lot of gizmos.
SC: It’s pretty decent tech in my opinion. Step into the cloning machine and I’ll do all the work.
(Hoopla steps into the cloning machine, and SC starts the cloning process. Around a minute later, Hoopla is successfully cloned)
SC: It works!
Hoopla: You mean it could have NOT worked?
SC: Yeah there’s a 50/50 chance it’ll blow up.
Hoopla: Oh. Good luck, guys.
SC: Thanks. You go back home now.
(Hoopla gets a call from Bloxyl)
Bloxyl: Great job, Hoopla. Because of what you’ve done, this dimension SHOULD be fixed in a couple hours.
Hoopla: Couple hours? That’s too long.
Bloxyl: It’s a war, Hoopla.
Hoopla: Oh yeah.
SC: Well while you two chit-chat, I got a Hoopla clone to send off with some weapons.
Hoopla: Yeah I’m not ready to get traumatized so I’ma leave.
(A wormhole opens up, and Hoopla enters)
SC: Welp, here goes... 
Clone Hoopla: I am ready to go to war!
(Back outside…)
SpongeBob: We’re done for…
Patrick: I’m hungry…
(Clone Hoopla shows up with Cannon-Bombs, Hoopla Whistles, and lots of melee weapons)
SpongeBob: Holy fish paste! That’s not only the second time I’ve said that today, that’s a lot of stuff!
Clone Hoopla: I am ready to go to war!
SC: Yep he’s defective.
SpongeBob: Well what are we waiting for? Charge!
(Clone Hoopla gives weapons to the soldiers, and they start attacking the Access)
Fred: What in the world?
Access general: Those things are powerful as hell!
Fred: Don’t worry, we’re still gonna win this. Quantity vs. quality, remember?
Access general: They killed Harold!
(He points to where Elliot Ross' brother Billy Ross stabs and kills Harold)
Fred: Ugh. I guess I have to put matters into my own hands.
(Fred appears on the battlefield and beats up Billy)
Billy: ‘Tis nothing but a scratch… (falls down)
(Meanwhile, Patrick uses a sniper rifle to shoot Elliot in the shoulder, causing Elliot to run at him and shoot him multiple times in the chest, killing him)
SpongeBob: Don’t worry I got this.
(SpongeBob brings Patrick to the bunker, and uses SC’s reviving machine to bring him back)
Patrick: I’m immortal!
(When they return to the battlefield, everyone is still fighting. Elliot brings out a chain mace, which causes everyone to flee. SpongeBob leads SC, Patrick, John, Hoopla, Patch, and Squidward into Elliot's palace.)
Clone Hoopla: I am ready to go to war!
SC: Please shut up.
(Elliot’s guards attack them and chaos ensues)
John: Callie shouldn’t have died! (he tries to stab Elliot)
(Meanwhile…)
(Hoopla ends up on the other side of the wormhole)
Hoopla: So I fixed the dimension?
Bloxyl: Hopefully. I have a monitor pulled up for the dimension right here. It’s like watching a movie. Fun.
Hoopla: I’ll get the popcorn.
Bloxyl: Oh no, not that kind of movie.
Hoopla: Aww.
(Elliot shoots John in the side. He then points the gun at Squidward, but gets kicked by Clone Hoopla. 
He screams in pain and kicks Squidward in the chest and throws Clone Hoopla against the wall. SC punches him, and Elliot pulls a nuke button out from his pocket and hits it.)
SC: There’s only one way to stop it…
Patrick: And what is that?
SC: (whispers into Patrick’s ear)
Patrick: Don’t do it. Just don’t.
SC: It’s the only way.
(A timer for the nuke starts. It’s 10 minutes)
SC: Should be just enough time.
(SC runs back to the bunker to get his turbo-speed sub, runs back, and gets ready to control it)
SpongeBob: SC, what are you doing?!
SC: It’s for our own good, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Nooo!
(SC gets in the sub, and crashes into the nuke just as it hits 0:01. The nuke doesn’t explode, but SC gets killed in the process.)
SpongeBob: Not SC! I must avenge him… Elliot, you’re next.
(SpongeBob cuts Elliot’s throat somewhat off-screen)
Hoopla: My eyes!
Bloxyl: Quit being a child.
(Clone Hoopla then rigs a bunch of explosives, which activate, killing everyone inside the building. All the Bikini Bottom members made it out alive, however.)
SpongeBob: WE DID IT!
Clone Hoopla: I am ready for- dang it I broke my record.
Patrick: Phew. That was getting annoying.
John: So um... What now?
Patrick: Generic movie dance party ending, anyone?
(Patrick, John, SpongeBob, and the others start dancing to a generic pop song.)
John: Ack! My side!
Patrick: Pfft, walk it off, buddy.
Hoopla: (laughs) I always love a happy ending. The movie was a bit lengthy for my taste though. (stuffs his face with the rest of the popcorn in his lap)
Bloxyl: Hey I told you no popcorn!
Hoopla: Sorry I couldn’t help myself. So, does this mean the dimension is saved?
Bloxyl: Of course it is. Thanks to you and uh… the broken record version of you.
(She turns off the monitor)
Bloxyl: Now it’s time for your next dimension.
Hoopla: Here we go again… 
Bloxyl: This one is a doozy.
Hoopla: As if the last dimension wasn’t.
Bloxyl: I’m not finished yet. It’s a doozy for… death.
Hoopla: Oh boy.
Bloxyl: In you go.
(A wormhole opens up and Hoopla falls through it again)
Hoopla: Why do they always open UNDER me?
(episode ends)
Category:HFB
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:FireMatch
Category:Episodes written by FireMatch
Category:Thatjess
Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
Category:CrazySponge
Category:Episodes written by CrazySponge
Category:2020s