Crabby Itch

"Crabby Itch" is an episode of Testicular Torsion.
==Transcript==
[Scene: The Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs is counting his money at the register.]
Mr. Krabs: Argh, another successful day of plundering wallets! Time to let loose tonight, me hearties!
[Squidward overhears Mr. Krabs.]
Squidward: Oh, great. Mr. Krabs on the prowl again. I can't wait for the aftermath of his debauchery. You know, Mr. Krabs, it's not just about partying all the time. You need to think about your health and well-being too.
Mr. Krabs: Ah, Squidward, me lad, ye worry too much! I've been around the block a few times. I know how to keep safe.
SpongeBob: That's right, Squidward! Mr. Krabs may have a wild side, but he's always been cautious when it comes to his personal adventures.
Squidward: Well, I hope you're right, SpongeBob. We wouldn't want any unfortunate surprises, would we?
Mr. Krabs: No worries, me hearties! I've got me trusty crab-sized condoms and a whole arsenal of safe practices! I'll be just fine!
[SpongeBob and Squidward exchange skeptical glances.]
SpongeBob: Oh, Mr. Krabs, you never fail to surprise us. Just promise us you'll be careful out there.
Mr. Krabs: You have me word, lads!
[Cut to a montage of Mr. Krabs partying at various seedy locations in Bikini Bottom.]
[INT. SEEDY CLUB - NIGHT The club is dimly lit, with pounding music and a haze of smoke filling the air. Mr. Krabs, adorned in a flashy suit, enters the scene, his eyes gleaming with mischief.]
Mr. Krabs: [aroused] Arr, time to show these landlubbers how to party!
[He dives into the crowd, dancing with wild abandon, his crustacean body moving in sync with the pulsating beats. The crowd cheers, captivated by his unexpected moves.]
[INT. UNDERGROUND CASINO - NIGHT Mr. Krabs, now in the midst of a secret gambling den, approaches a poker table where a group of shady characters awaits.]
Mr. Krabs: Raise the stakes, me hearties! Let's see who's got the real treasure!
[He places his bets with a devilish grin, risking it all for the thrill of the win. The tension rises as cards are dealt and chips exchanged.]
[INT. LUXURIOUS SUITE - NIGHT Mr. Krabs finds himself in a lavish suite, surrounded by mermaid escorts. The room is a haven of indulgence, with cocaine lines meticulously arranged on a mirrored surface. Amidst the debauchery, Mr. Krabs pulls out a JUUL device.]
Mr. Krabs: [taking a drag] Blowin' smoke rings like a true pirate! [with an insatiable desire] Time to dive into the depths of pleasure!
[He joins in the intoxicating experience, partaking in the forbidden substances and losing himself to the night's alluring temptations.]
[INT. EXOTIC CLUB - NIGHT In a room filled with vibrant lights and pulsating music, Mr. Krabs discovers a gleaming pole at the center.]
Mr. Krabs: [teasingly] Who says crustaceans can't be provocative?
[With a mischievous smirk, he takes hold of the pole and begins a mesmerizing pole dance, defying expectations and pushing boundaries with his graceful and sensuous moves.]
[INT. ELEGANT BEDROOM - NIGHT The scene fades to an elegant bedroom, where Mr. Krabs engages in passionate encounters with alluring partners. The room is filled with moans and whispers, as animated exploration takes center stage.]
[The screen fades to black, leaving the audience to imagine the explicit details of these intimate moments.]
[Scene: The next morning. Mr. Krabs wakes up with a groan, scratching himself.]
Mr. Krabs: What in Neptune's name is this itch? Must've been a wild night.
[Mr. Krabs takes a mirror and examines himself, horrified by what he sees.]
Mr. Krabs: Mother of Pearl! I've got the crabs!
[SpongeBob enters the room, oblivious.]
SpongeBob: Good morning, Mr. Krabs! Did you have a fun night out?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, lad, I need your help. I've got a... little problem.
[SpongeBob looks concerned.]
SpongeBob: Oh no, Mr. Krabs! What can I do?
Mr. Krabs: I've contracted a rather uncomfortable condition. The crabs, SpongeBob, the crabs!
[SpongeBob's eyes widen in shock.]
SpongeBob: Oh, barnacles! We need to find a solution!
[INT. KRUSTY KRAB KITCHEN - DAY SpongeBob frantically rummages through the kitchen cabinets, searching for ingredients to create a homemade remedy. Mr. Krabs, visibly uncomfortable, paces back and forth.]
SpongeBob: [excitedly] I've got it, Mr. Krabs! A special mix of kelp juice, mustard, and jellyfish jelly. It's sure to cure those pesky crabs!
Mr. Krabs: [doubtful] Well, lad, if you say so. Let's give it a shot.
[SpongeBob blends the concoction in a blender, creating a vibrant green liquid. He hands the glass to Mr. Krabs, who hesitantly takes a sip.]
Mr. Krabs: [disgusted] Gah! It tastes like a rotten boot dipped in tartar sauce!
[SpongeBob shrugs, determined to find a solution.]
[INT. BIKINI BOTTOM PHARMACY - DAY SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs enter the pharmacy, browsing shelves filled with various over-the-counter remedies. SpongeBob grabs a box labeled "Crabby Relief Cream" and excitedly hands it to Mr. Krabs.]
SpongeBob: [optimistic] This cream is guaranteed to soothe those itchy crabs, Mr. Krabs!
[Mr. Krabs applies the cream, but instead of relief, he starts hopping around, his eyes widening.]
Mr. Krabs: [yelping] Yow! It's like a thousand jellyfish stings all at once!
[SpongeBob tries to stifle his laughter but fails, joining Mr. Krabs in the chaos.]
[INT. GARY'S SHELL - DAY Desperate for a remedy, SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs find themselves inside Gary's shell, surrounded by an array of peculiar items. SpongeBob holds up a seashell necklace.]
SpongeBob: [excited] This enchanted seashell necklace is said to cure all ailments, Mr. Krabs! Just wear it around your neck.
[Mr. Krabs puts on the necklace, hopeful for relief. But instead, the shell begins to emit a high-pitched screeching sound.]
Mr. Krabs: [grimacing] Barnacles! It's like the sound of nails on a chalkboard!
[SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs quickly remove the necklace, their ears ringing.]
[EXT. BIKINI BOTTOM - DAY SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs stand in the middle of town, covered in failed remedies. Despite their misadventures, they both burst into laughter, realizing the absurdity of their attempts.]
SpongeBob: [giggling] Well, Mr. Krabs, I guess homemade remedies aren't our specialty.
Mr. Krabs: [chuckling] Aye, lad, I suppose we'll have to seek professional help. Let's head to the doctor!
[They walk off, still laughing, ready to find a proper solution to Mr. Krabs' uncomfortable condition.]
[Scene: The doctor's office. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob sit nervously.]
Doctor: Mr. Krabs, it seems you've encountered a case of pubic lice. We'll need to treat it properly.
Mr. Krabs: Can you hurry it up, doc? I've got a business to run.
Doctor: I understand your urgency, Mr. Krabs, but we must ensure a thorough examination. Please undress so I can assess the extent of the infestation.
[Mr. Krabs hesitates but reluctantly starts removing his clothes, revealing his crustacean body.]
Doctor: [slightly surprised] Hmm, quite a peculiar case indeed. Now, let's take a closer look.
[The doctor puts on gloves and meticulously inspects Mr. Krabs' pubic area, examining the affected areas closely.]
Doctor: [pensive] I see... The infestation seems to be concentrated around the base of the pubic hair. We'll need to address this promptly.
[SpongeBob shifts uncomfortably in his seat, trying to divert his gaze.]
Doctor: [professional] Now, Mr. Krabs, I'm going to need to measure the length of your penis for documentation purposes. Please relax and remain still.
[The doctor takes out a measuring tape, carefully stretching it alongside Mr. Krabs' penis.]
Mr. Krabs: YEOWCH!
Doctor: Apologies, Mr. Krabs. Did I apply too much pressure?
Mr. Krabs: [grimacing] Aye, doc! That was quite a pinch! Be more careful, will ya?
[The doctor nods, realizing his mistake, and adjusts his approach.]
Doctor: [apologetic] I apologize for the discomfort, Mr. Krabs. I'll be more cautious from now on.
[The examination continues, with the doctor completing the necessary measurements.]
Doctor: [concluding] Approximately 3 inches in length.
[SpongeBob's eyes widen in surprise, trying his best to maintain composure.]
Mr. Krabs: [irritated] Alright, enough with the measurements! Can we get to the treatment already?
Doctor: [sinisterly] Mr. Krabs, your excessive partying has caused irreversible damage. I'm afraid there's only one solution. I must cut off your precious penis right here, right now, with a pair of sharp scissors!
[Mr. Krabs's eyes widen in horror as he realizes the severity of the situation. He tries to protest, but it's too late. The doctor swiftly grabs the scissors, and without any remorse, proceeds to sever Mr. Krabs's member.]
Mr. Krabs: [in agonizing pain] YEOWCH! What in the seven seas are you doing, you maniac?!
SpongeBob: [angry and distraught] What the barnacle is wrong with you, doc?! How could you do such a horrific thing to Mr. Krabs?
Doctor: [with an air of clinical indifference] SpongeBob, I understand your distress, but there was no other option. Mr. Krabs' partying had taken a toll on his health, and drastic measures were necessary to prevent further complications.
[SpongeBob looks at Mr. Krabs, who is still recovering from the traumatic experience, his pain evident.]
SpongeBob: [teary-eyed] We'll get through this, Mr. Krabs. I'm taking you back home, and we'll find a way to help you heal.
[SpongeBob gently guides Mr. Krabs out of the doctor's office, filled with determination to support his friend during this challenging time.]
[Back at Mr. Krabs' house, SpongeBob tries to reason with him, desperately attempting to persuade him to change his ways. But Mr. Krabs, puffing away on his JUUL, remains defiant.]
SpongeBob: [concerned] Mr. Krabs, you really need to give up this partying lifestyle. It's taking a toll on your health, and now... well, you know.
[Mr. Krabs takes a long drag from his JUUL, exhaling a cloud of vapor with a smug expression on his face.]
Mr. Krabs: [grinning] Nonsense, lad! Who needs a penis when you've got the Krusty Krab? Besides, girls will still be lining up to get a piece of this crab, even without the crown jewels!
[SpongeBob's eyes widen in disbelief, struggling to comprehend Mr. Krabs' warped logic.]
SpongeBob: [stammering] But... but how is that even possible?
Mr. Krabs: [confidently] Trust me, SpongeBob, I've got the charm, the money, and the Krusty Krab. Girls won't be able to resist the allure of a wealthy, penis-less crustacean like me!
[SpongeBob facepalms, realizing the futility of his attempts to reason with Mr. Krabs.]
SpongeBob: [defeated] I... I don't even know what to say anymore.
[Cut to a hilariously failed montage of Mr. Krabs attempting to party at various seedy locations in Bikini Bottom.]
[INT. SEEDY CLUB - NIGHT The club is dimly lit, with pounding music and a haze of smoke filling the air. Mr. Krabs, adorned in a flashy suit, enters the scene, his eyes gleaming with mischief.]
Mr. Krabs: [aroused] Arr, time to show these landlubbers how to party!
[He dives into the crowd, but his crustacean body fails to move gracefully, resulting in a series of awkward and comical dance moves. The crowd looks on, bewildered and unimpressed.]
[INT. UNDERGROUND CASINO - NIGHT Mr. Krabs, now in the midst of a secret gambling den, approaches a poker table where a group of shady characters awaits.]
Mr. Krabs: Raise the stakes, me hearties! Let's see who's got the real treasure!
[He places his bets with a confident grin, but luck is not on his side. His cards are consistently terrible, and he ends up losing all his chips in a spectacular fashion. The other players chuckle at his misfortune.]
[INT. LUXURIOUS SUITE - NIGHT Mr. Krabs finds himself in a lavish suite, surrounded by mermaid escorts. The room is a haven of indulgence, with cocaine lines meticulously arranged on a mirrored surface. Amidst the debauchery, Mr. Krabs pulls out a JUUL device.]
Mr. Krabs: [taking a drag] Blowin' smoke rings like a true pirate! [with an insatiable desire] Time to dive into the depths of pleasure!
[As he attempts to engage in the forbidden substances, he accidentally spills the entire tray of cocaine, causing chaos and a cloud of white powder. The mermaids recoil in shock and disgust.]
[INT. EXOTIC CLUB - NIGHT In a room filled with vibrant lights and pulsating music, Mr. Krabs discovers a gleaming pole at the center.]
Mr. Krabs: [teasingly] Who says crustaceans can't be provocative?
[With a mischievous smirk, he tries to grip the pole but ends up slipping and crashing into the surrounding decor, causing a domino effect of destruction. The crowd erupts into laughter.]
[INT. ELEGANT BEDROOM - NIGHT The scene fades to an elegant bedroom, where Mr. Krabs attempts passionate encounters with alluring partners. However, his lack of certain anatomical features becomes painfully apparent, leading to a series of awkward and unsuccessful attempts. The partners exchange perplexed glances.]
[The screen fades to black, leaving the audience in fits of laughter, as Mr. Krabs' attempts at partying and pleasure go hilariously awry.]
[INT. MR. KRABS' BEDROOM - NIGHT Mr. Krabs lies on his bed, sobbing uncontrollably. SpongeBob sits beside him, concern etched on his face.]
Mr. Krabs: [wailing] I can't party no more, SpongeBob! It's all gone to the depths of Davy Jones' locker!
SpongeBob: [trying to comfort] There, there, Mr. Krabs. We'll find a way to make things better.
[Mr. Krabs reaches under his pillow and retrieves a JUUL device.]
Mr. Krabs: [determined] If I can't party, then what's the point, lad? I might as well end it all!
[SpongeBob's eyes widen in horror as Mr. Krabs raises the JUUL to his lips, ready to increase the nicotine dosage to dangerous levels.]
SpongeBob: [desperate] No, Mr. Krabs! Please, don't do it!
[In a shocking move, SpongeBob pulls out a pair of scissors from his pocket. Without hesitation, he cuts off his own penis, blood splattering across the room.]
Mr. Krabs: [gasping] Sweet Neptune, SpongeBob! What have you done?!
SpongeBob: [calmly] Take it, Mr. Krabs. I'm infertile anyway. Maybe it'll bring you some joy in this dark, depraved world.
[Mr. Krabs holds SpongeBob's severed penis in his hand, contemplating his next move. SpongeBob watches in a mix of curiosity and concern.]
Mr. Krabs: [to himself] Well, SpongeBob, I never thought I'd see the day where I attach a severed penis to myself. But you know what? I'm gonna turn this into something legendary!
[SpongeBob, still slightly disturbed, manages a small smile.]
SpongeBob: That's the spirit, Mr. Krabs! You'll be the talk of Bikini Bottom!
[Mr. Krabs takes a deep breath, filled with newfound determination.]
Mr. Krabs: You see, SpongeBob, this isn't just about impressing the ladies. It's about showing the world that no matter the circumstances, we can rise above it all. We can take the strangest of situations and turn them into something extraordinary.
[SpongeBob nods, starting to embrace the oddly heartwarming exchange.]
SpongeBob: You're right, Mr. Krabs! I believe in you!
[Mr. Krabs attaches the severed penis to himself, securing it in place. He stands tall, a mix of confidence and absurdity.]
Mr. Krabs: [to himself] From this day forward, I'll be a legend! The ladies won't know what hit 'em!
[SpongeBob, with a gleeful expression, delivers the closing line.]
SpongeBob: [in a happy voice] Another happy ending!
[They share a hearty laugh as the episode comes to a close. FADE OUT.]
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