Osmosis Jones (My Version)/Transcript

♪♪ [ Hip-hop, Indistinct ]
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
Dad, you have the coolest job.
Well, sometimes I think I should be
hanging out with a better class of animals.
Oh, come on! Hey, have some class, will ya?
We got mixed company down here.
[ Chimpanzee Chitters ]
You know, Dad, genetically speaking,
monkeys are our first cousins.
You mean... Uncle Bob's kids? Yeah.
I suppose I'd agree with that.
No, I'm serious.
Actually, some scientists say that
monkey diets are much more evolved than our own.
Oh, this is all about diets again, huh?
I'm just saying it wouldn't hurt you to
eat more fruits and vegetables. Like monkeys do.
Honey, the reason that monkeys eat so many
fruits and vegetables...
is because they're not smart enough
to butcher a cow.
Your mother, God bless her soul...
didn't believed the old-fashioned ideas
about nursing, breastfeeding and all that.
Uh-uh. You were fed cheeseburgers
as a baby.
Now look at you. You're as big as a house.
You're as strong as a bull. You smell like a cow.
Your cholesterol's probably a little high,
but, you know, they have medicine for that now.
You can get an angioplasty, get it all cleared out.
You're doing great honey.
All right, I'll start working out tomorrow.
[ Blows Air ]
Start taking better care of myself. Okay?
So, does that mean you'll go on
a school hike with me?
First things first.
Eat your lunch. We'll talk about it later.
[ Chimpanzee Chittering ]
Hey, give me that egg, pal.
Give me the egg, friendly. Come on!
Dad! Dad, stop it!
What are you doing?
Hey, it's my egg! Give me that--
[ Grunting ]
It's just an egg, Dad!
[ Chimpanzee Shrieking ]
Okay, now I gotta choke ya.
[ Squelches ]
Aha!
Ha! Now who's evolved?
[ Chortles Mockingly ]
What's the matter, buddy?
- All that salad slow you down, huh?
- [ Chimpanzee Whines, Chitters ]
Dad! That's filthy!
Honey, ten second rule: Hits the ground...
- you pick it up within 10 seconds, you can eat it.
- [ Chimpanzee Chitters Frantically ]
Ugh!
[ Gobbles ]
[ Sloshing, Bubbling ]
[ Frank Grunts ]
[ Radio: Dispatcher ]
Saliva one, what have you got?
[ Cell Pilot ]
An egg 2-20. Echo-Gamma-Gamma, over.
- Any mayo?
- Uh, that's affirmative.
Slow bowel traffic--
[ Continues Indistinctly ]
Enzyme breakdown in ten.
[ Pilot ] You know, when I was a rookie cell,
this place was clean enough to eat on.
Look at it now. Jeez, what a disgrace.
See anything, kid?
Mmm. I do.
Nice genes! You got chromosomes
in all the right places.
- Jones.
- What?
Ain't nothing a toothbrush can handle this.
I wish you'd take this job
a bit more seriously.
Yo, you see this badge?
You see this gun?
You see this gooey, white, sackus,
membranous around my personhood?
Here we go again.
Well, you dealing with a white blood cell here!
I should be out in the veins fighting disease,
not in the mouth on tartar control!
- You're lucky we ain't in the scab.
- [ Alarm Beeping ]
Uh-oh. We got germs on that egg.
Mmm, baby, it's Ozzy time!
It's probably gingivitis. Don't get carried away.
Halt. You have entered the city of Frank.
Put your hands up and surrender for digestion.
Saliva one requesting ground support. Over.
Bicuspid four,
we're in the vicinity. We're on it.
[ Siren Blaring ]
[ Pilot Over Speakers ] This is a private organism.
There is no use in running.
Up spit creek without a paddle.
Don't get me mad,
'cause I will turn into a germicidal maniac.
Halt. Saliva Patrol.
[ Germs Shouting ]
Son of a botulism! They swiped the patrol car!
- [ Gunshots ]
- Get outta here.
Uh-oh. You done done it now.
[ Gun Spitting ]
[ All Shouting ]
Holy Frank! He's about to yawn!
[ Yawns Heavily ]
We're getting sucked in!
I told city hall we need more sleep!
- [ Germs Scream ]
- Hold tight, kid!
Osmosis Jones to dispatch.
We got multiple germs-- I repeat--
multiple germs coming down the windpipe.
And if these boys hit the bloodstream,
we're gonna be illing.
I'm talking nose-dripping, chicken soup-drinking,
rectal thermometer sticking illing.
- Request permission to pursue?
- Chief, listen to this.
[ Both Scream, Grunt ]
[ Laughs ]
So, you got plans for the weekend, kid?
[ Chuckles ] Oh, yeah.
Me and my girlfriend are going down
to the Kidneys to see the Stones.
Good for you.
They could pass any day.
[ Dispatcher ] All units down to the stomach.
Be on the lookout for illegal organisms.
[ Police Siren Wails ]
Jones, you wanna keep your job?
Stay where you are and wait for backup.
But I can get 'em.
[ Chief Over Radio ] I said stay put.
Over.
You heard the chief.
We're out of our jurisdiction.
It's immunity's problem now.
We better get back up to the mouth.
What the-- Hey, Jones!
Chief, you're gonna thank me
for this later.
[ Pilot ] Don't even think about it, pal.
Aren't you in enough trouble already? Jones!
- ♪♪ [ Rock, Indistinct ]
- [ Yells ]
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
Slow down! Slow down!
Hey, hey, hey! Wait, wait!
What the-- Hey!
Hey, stretch.
Shouldn't you be up in the mouth?
Oh, come on, guys. This is my bust
I saw him first.
- [ Chomps ]
- [ Shouts ]
[ Both Shouting ]
[ Flatulence ]
Whoa!
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
You want Osmosis? You've got Osmosis.
Huh?
- [ Yells ] Whoa!
- ♪♪ [ Ends ]
Bye-bye, cop!
[ Laughing ]
Sorry baby, but it's time
you take your medicine.
Dang. Always pulls to the right.
[ Electricity Crackling, Buzzing ]
[ Shouts, Groans ]
- Dad, what's wrong? Oh, my God.
- Oh! Oh! Ow, it's a cramp!
[ Shouting Continues ]
[ Thunder Rumbles ]
[ Screams ]
[ Muffled ]
Officer down.
Oh, these stairs are killing me, honey.
We may have to move. [ Voice Wavers ]
- But, Dad, there's only four steps.
- [ Panting ]
All right, if you love it here...
I'll build a ramp.
[ Moans ]
[ Germs Chittering ]
[ Worker ] I can't believe it's been
three hours since lunch...
and we're still cleaning up this egg.
Oh, man, would you look at all that gunk?
- [ Chuckles ]
- Seriously.
What does this guy do, roll his food
around on the ground before he eats it?
We need to send a letter to the mayor
about washing our hands before we eat.
[ Electricity Crackling ]
[ Shrieks ]
Yeah, like he's gonna listen to us.
Hey, cells vote, man.
Cells vote.
[ Virus Snarls ]
[ Device Powers Up ]
Oh!
[ Grunts, Groans ]
Ugh. [ Gags ]
- [ Chortles ] Got you, you little--
- [ Worker Yells ]
A-A-Artie?
W-What's going on over there?
Artie.
Artie?
[ Rumbling ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Neck Cracks ]
Holy spit.
[ Chuckles ]
Careful, I'm contagious.
Ow.
[ Shudders ]
Oh! Oh!
[ Screams ]
♪♪ [ Thrax Humming ]
[ Whimpers ] I don't like.
[ Shrieking, Shuddering ]
Think I'll turn up the heat in here.
[ Thrax Chortling ]
Connecting. Please hold.
One moment.
- [ Indistinct Chatter ]
- Now connecting.
Mr. Mayor. Mr. Mayor, do you have a plan
to deal with a fat-cell housing shortage?
I'd like to announce we're beginning
construction on a-- [ Chuckles ] third chin.
Mr. Mayor, we're having jock itch!
Do you have any comments on today's cramp?
What do you have to say all the hair cells
recently laid off from the scalp?
There'll be plenty of new jobs
for everyone on the back.
What do you think of Frank's daughter
request for better nutrition?
85% of red blood children
don't even know how to carry oxygen.
People, people, you worry too much.
The body is in perfect shape.
[ Electricity Crackles, Device Beeps ]
[ Chortles ]
And no more questions. Thank you.
Do they know how hard I work?
No, no. Nobody cares.
Mr. Mayor, I--
Not now, Leah
I have a body to run.
I've got Tom Colonic's new campaign ad.
Oh? Let's go, put it on.
[ Announcer ] The following
is a paid political announcement.
[ Deep Sigh ] The bowels
didn't always smell this way.
No. There was a time when eating
right and exercise...
kept this whole area a vital center of activity.
But during Mayor Phlegmming's term...
we've seen rot and stagnation paralyzed this
neighborhood as well as the colon and the sphincter.
Well, I think it's time
we get things moving again.
I'm Tom Colonic. As mayor, I would set long-term
goals that include ordering salads and eating bran.
Mayor Phlegmming may think that things
are fine just the way they are.
Blah, blah, blah.
But I think that if we pull together
and put in a little hard work...
- [ Flatulence ]
- a new Frank could be right around the corner.
Oh, uh, Mr. Colonic, what's that smell?
[ Chuckles ]
Why, that's the smell of chamge, Billy.
[ Sniffs ]
That's the smell of change.
[ Announcer ]
Paid for by Colonic for Mayor.
- [ TV Turns Off ]
- Can you believe those lies?
[ Leah ] Sir, he's got a point.
You know when I came to work for you...
you promised you would concentrate
more on health issues.
Leah, I want Frank to be healthy,
but I think of the sacrifices...
the hard work, the lack of potato chips.
That's not what the voters want.
- Then why are you behind the polls?
- Don't you worry about the polls.
I have a plan that's gonna
flush Colonic down the toilet.
Honey!
Shane!
Coming.
Are you okay? Where does it hurt?
[ Grunts ] Leg.
Is it here?
A leg.
Here?
[ Moaning ] Leg!
- Oh! Oh, oh.
- [ Moaning Continues ]
Oh, here. Here.
I just needed some sodium.
I think that's what made me cramp up.
[ Sputters, Chokes ] Heads up!
Chicken going down rough!
Chicken going down rough!
- [ Alarm Blaring ]
- Oh, now what?
Sir, turn on the optical feed.
Let me take a look at that, Dad.
Open wide.
- Open wide. Ahh.
- Ahh.
Could you swallow first please?
Ow!
[ Both ] Ahh.
Definitely red.
[ Dialing ]
Are you-- Are you ordering out?
No. I'm making you an
appointment to see a doctor.
Sick? We're not getting sick!
We have far too much planned!
Oh.
[ Leah ] Sir, you can't go into
override without a vote from city council.
[ Chuckles ]
Yes, my dear.
[ Echoing ]
Voice manual control on.
Hey, that's only for emergencies.
Leah, this is an emergency.
[ Echoing ] On second thought...
- On second thought...
- [ Phlegmming ] Perhaps I'll take a cold pill.
Perhaps I'll take a cold pill.
Uh, sir--
Thank you, Leah. Now get me the
chief on the phone. There's a good girl.
Drixenol.
[ Indistinct Chatter ]
Next.
I caught this one with six
micrograms of stolen adrenaline.
It's not mine.
I swear, I was holding it for my cousin.
Oh, yeah. I never heard that one before.
Take him to lockdown. Next!
Hey, hey, hey. It's "the Germinator"!
[ All Laughing ]
Okay, guys, you got me there.
Let's save a little for the criminals, all right?
Jones, when was the last time you caught anything?
Hey, hey. You shoulda seen this thing.
This ain't no ordinary household germ. 
This thing's bigger than all of us.
This thing ain't even from Frank's body. 
It's like a Al Roker germ, a Heavy D germ.
You talking about this?
[ Laughing Continues ]
Yeah. Uh, you know,
he's slouching right now.
Jones! In my office!
- Chiefy-weefy, what's up?
- Don't "chiefy-weefy" me.
Have you seen the headlines?
The papers are calling it the most powerful cramp
since Shane made us try the Tae-Bo workout!
Hold on a second.
I told you to stay put.
I told you to wait for backup!
But once again, you had
to do it your own way.
Man, I was right there.
I could've done it--
Right! 78 trillion cells in the body
all working together,
you're the only one who thinks
he can do it alone.
- You ever think that might be your problem, Jones?
- [ Telephone Rings ]
What? Oh, hello, Mr. Mayor.
Uh, the missus? Oh, she's great. Yes.
Uh, you're kidding, sir.
I'll put a man right on it, sir.
Yes, sir. Stupid political decisions.
Now, where was I?
Uh, you were just starting to say
how you were giving me a promotion
to the Head of Brain security, I believe. Yep.
You know what, Jones? You're right.
Maybe it is time I give you a case.
You're talking about what now?
We have a situation on the throat,
and I'm putting you on it.
Thank you, Chief. Thank you, Chief.
You won't regret it.
You're a good man
You're a fine man. You're an upstanding man.
Yeah. Whatever you say.
You know, it was on
the fence for a while.
People like, good man, bad man,
good man, bad man.
But now it's official,
you are a good man.
You done?
Now our pill is getting swallowed
as we speak.
So I suggest you get your nucleus
down to the stomach, pronto.
Pill? What pill?
You didn't think I was gonna
trust you to take care of
a sore throat by yourself, did you?
Now, get out of here. Or I swear to Frank,
you'll be on butt-hair patrol for the next three years!
♪♪ [ Hip-hop, Indistinct ]
Rinky-dink, stink, pinky pill.
[ Male PA Announcer ] The white zone is for
ingestion and digestion only. No parking.
[ Cell Child Hollers ]
[ Female PA Announcer ] Peanut boarding for
intestine and liver with direct service to the colon.
Now boarding.
- [ Cell Child #2 Gibbers ]
- [ Cell Mother ] No.
♪ Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna ♪♪
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
All right.
- [ Alarm Beeps ]
- Hey!
- [ Bell Dings ]
- [ Female PA Announcer ] Attention:
All fat cells proceed to love handles.
Oh, yes, Mr. Mayor.
- No, sir, it hasn't arrived yet.
- [ Cell Child #3 Calls Out ]
What the-- Mmm, look out, now.
♪♪ [ Pop, Indistinct ]
Uh, did you get a chance to
look at my notes on your speech?
The in-box. Yes.
It says "in" right on it, sir.
I'll check back later.
- All right, good-bye.
- [ Beeps ]
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
Somebody's been working out.
Leah, you looking fine, girl.
Mighty fine.
Oh, Jones. Did they have to
assign you to this?
Spit. Wasn't my idea,
but now I'm starting to like it.
Baby, when are you and me gonna hook up?
I know this little spot right behind the eye.
Has a perfect view.
Perfect for a little rendezvous between me and you.
You know what I'm saying?
Do you know what I'm saying?
'Cause I've been saying it a long time.
Jones, what in the world makes you think
I would ever go out with you?
What you talking about? I'm a legend, girl!
The chicks line up to divide with me.
Oh, really?
'Cause to me, you look like the kind
of cell who mostly divides with himself.
Whoo! Who cut off the heat?
Somebody pay the bill. It's cold in here.
[ Female PA Announcer ]
Now arriving with some milk,
a cold pill with a pleasant fruity flavor.
[ Leah ] Wow, this is huge.
[ Jones ] Don't be all impressed,
'cause 99% of that's just sugar, you know.
Yeah? And 99% of you is just stupid.
[ Jones ] Ooh, like I haven't
heard that one before.
[ Whooshes ]
[ Smacking Lips ]
What is that cherry stank?
Special agent Drixobenzometaphedramine.
[ Crowd Murmurs ]
Drixenol, the brand that eases
your coughs and sneezes.
Warning: Do not exceed recommended dosage.
If symptoms persist, consult a physician.
May cause drowsiness.
Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery.
Pregnant women should not handle broken tablets.
Wow, I'm feeling better already.
You can call me Drix.
Welcome to the city of Frank.
I'd like to examine your irritated areas.
Whoo! Never on the first date, Drips.
- Drix.
- That's what I said.
No, I think you said
"Drips" with a "p".
Whatever.
Jones, this ain't working out.
I'm gonna call the chief
and ask him to assign someone else.
Wait. Hold up now.
I need this job, Leah.
Come on, just give me a shot.
[ Exhales ] All right.
But no screw-ups. You dig?
Baby, I promise everything's gonna be fine.
Not as fine as you, but fine.
Man, what you been eating?
That's my effervescent propulsion.
All right.
But we're driving with the windows open.
I don't want none of those
fruity bubbles stinking up my ride.
You got that?
Hmm.
Hey, yo, yo!
Aw, man, look what you're doing to my baby.
♪♪ [ Hip-hop, Indistinct ]
[ Jones ] Hey, hey!
Don't touch my radio!
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]