Spider-Ham: Caught in a Ham/Transcript

[The short opens on a Looney Tunes-esque title card of “PETER PORKER, THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER-HAM.” The titular hero hangs upside down, saluting the audience. Fade to a title card reading “CAUGHT IN A HAM,” showing the hero strapped to a table as a laser moves toward him. Credits roll before fading to an animated city. Spider-Ham swings through the city while holding a hot dog.]
Spider-Ham: (sniffs the hot dog) Ahhh. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! Don’t worry, people. It’s 100% beef. (winks; then) I’m lying. Nothing’s gonna get in the way of me eating this hot dog.
[Unaware he was approaching an evil villain lair building dubbed “EVIL VILLAIN LAIR.” A giant gloved hand grabs him from the lair and takes him into the lair.]
Spider-Ham: (while being grabbed) What am I, pulled pork?
[Inside, he was strapped to a table.]
Spider-Ham: (slowly wakes up) Wh-what?! I’ve been pig-napped!
[We zoom out to reveal a laser moving towards the masked pig while an evil lobster stands before him.]
Dr. Crawdaddy: Ah, so glad you could make it to my pig roast, Spider-Ham! Prepare to be honey-glazered! Do you have any last words?
Spider-Ham: Why, yes, I do. You won't get away with this!
Dr. Crawdaddy: Oh, yes, I will!
Spider-Ham: Oh, no you won't!
Dr. Crawdaddy: Oh, yes, I will!
Spider-Ham: Oh, no you won't!
Dr. Crawdaddy: Oh, yes, I will!
Spider-Ham: Oh, no you won't! (suddenly free) Oh, yes, I will!
Dr. Crawdaddy: (suddenly trapped) Oh, no, you won't!
Spider-Ham: Oh, yes, I will!
Dr. Crawdaddy: Oh, no, you won't!
Spider-Ham: Oh, yes, I will!
Dr. Crawdaddy: Oh, no, you won't!
Spider-Ham: Oh, yes, I will! And if you'll excuse me, I've got a hot dog to eat! 
[He gives him a Bugs Bunny-style smooch before webbing away. Enraged, the lobster breaks out of his bonds.]
Dr. Crawdaddy: No one tricks me! Not I, the intellectual genius, Dr. Crawdaddy!
Spider-Ham: (hangs down near the lobster) Weird name. I wonder if it could use a little work.
Dr. Crawdaddy: Oh, really?
Spider-Ham: I tango with guys like Annihil-ape, Goose Cannon, The Majestic Caribou, Cyber Billy Goat, Renegator, Big Clamurai, Tortoise Bombshell, Tele-Canary, W.M. Bees, Nuclear Borehead… guys like that. You wanna run with the big hogs? You gotta nail that pun or you’re done. (they both sit in some couches and he gets out a laptop) Now let’s see here. The Craw-ster, Scare-Craw, Craw-Maga, that’s pretty good.
Dr. Crawdaddy: Uh, I think I like the first one better. I don’t know.
Spider-Ham: I got it! (shows him what’s on the laptop) How about Dr. Crawfish, Attorney at Craw?
Dr. Crawdaddy: Hmm...
[Spider-Ham closed the computer on him and tried to leave, only for the lobster to grab him by the neck.]
Spider-Ham: It was just a first pass.
[He throws him against the wall, where he instantly transforms into canned ham while stars dance around him. As the lobster rushes toward him, Ham’s hand pops out of the can, grabs a star, and hits Dr. Crawdaddy in the eye. He yelps in pain.]
Dr. Crawdaddy: Enough hogwash!
Spider-Ham: Now you’re getting it.
[He runs out of the room while Crawdaddy chases after him. They ran through tons of doors a la Scooby-Doo style. Some of them switched their heads, turned them into live action animals, had Spider-Ham run upside down, and even had clones of him run around the lobster. Soon, they arrived at another room, which looked similar to the last room they were in.]
Spider-Ham: Hold it! Am I crazy, or is this the same room we were just in?
Dr. Crawdaddy: Yeah, we ran out of money, so I figured we just have every room look the same.
Spider-Ham: Huh. (cue a shrug take from both towards the audience) 
[Then, Spider-Ham jumps in the air and webs his claws and his body. He spins the villain around and whacks him with his trusty mallet, crashing him through several walls.]
Spider-Ham: Well, you mess with the Ham, you get the hammer.
[As he smooches his mallet and walks, a small rift appears above the pig and pulls off a lever, making it have an error sign.]
Spider-Ham: Now, that hot dog must be getting cold.
[Suddenly, a dimensional rift appears, adjusting the screen from a computer. Spider-Ham bonks his face near a screen corner and notices this.]
Spider-Ham: What is that? What is that?! (to the viewer and knocks on the screen; upset) I demand full-screen treatment!
[The rift touches the small screen and statics it to full screen. A pen pops out of the rift held by a computer mouse. Ham pants.]
Spider-Ham: Hey, I’m standing here! Didn’t you tell your experiments that it’s rude to point, Dr. Ding-Dong? (the pen constantly clicks on him) Whoa! Ow, ow, ow! (clicks, holds, and swings him around) Ow, ow, ow, ow! (the pen holds him near an edge corner) Hey, guys, calibrate your screen every now and then.
[The rift appears and messes with the animation layer, knocking Ham over and over until he loses his outline.]
Spider-Ham: My outlines. My outlines. My outline… (glitches)
[The screen statics and Ham lying on the ground without his outline.]
Spider-Ham: Oh! Okay, nobody look. (puts his outline back on) That’s better. (a beat; then) Boy, that was weird.
[Just then, lightning was heard from above. He looks up to see a giant portal hovering above them, sucking up everything in the room.]
Spider-Ham: What?! A portal to another movie's timeline? (as he used his web to pull towards the screen) I HOPE I HAVEN’T MISSED THE 62 MINUTES! ALL I WANTED WAS A HOOOOOT DOOOOOOOOOOOOG! 
[The portal sucks him in and then closes. In the darkness, a beat was heard, then the portal spit out Spider-Ham's hot dog.]
Spider-Ham: (offscreen) Oh come on!
[Cut to a card reading “THE END…?” It glitches out before cutting to black. The short ends.]
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