You Are Empty - The Stalingrad Chicken Emergency

You Are Empty - The Stalingrad Chicken Emergency is the title of the video in which Civvie reviews You Are Empty. It is the tenth episode of season four.
== Synopsis ==
Civvie must fight to maintain his very sanity while playing You Are Empty, a game which is strange and bizarre even by the standards of slavjank.
== Video ==
== Transcript (auto generated) ==
this went from zero to uncomfortable
pretty fast the game I've got for you
kids today is you are empty looking at
the cover I was expecting some kind of
military shooter you know like the calls
of duty but Russian and more depressing
a little field if you will this intro is
already confusing me
Katie you see in this cool art style we
have a man walking into a building and
then walking out of a building and then
getting hit by a truck and then some
kind of nightmare oh oh it's gonna be
one of those episodes we seem to be in
an asylum or a hospital though nobody's
stolen our penis yet we're low on health
let's grab this mason jar of weight
health only goes up to 99 I assume so
they don't have to put three little
light bulbs on the HUD which is a bit
odd what does that sound you are empty
is a game from Ukrainian developer
Mandal art planes to develop I okay
we're off to the races now kiss oh oh
dear God what the [ __ ]
[Music]
whenever I boot up a trash game I
usually know within about 10 minutes if
it's gonna be an episode okay an
extremely tall nurse without a face just
tried to kill us so you'd think maybe
leave the hospital oh boy we aren't even
five minutes in and this other nurse is
throwing syringes at me and this patient
is poking me with a stick through a
window I'm I'm not seeing this this is C
V 11 I have developed an exercise that
may help you with this situation oh yeah
the clock drawing test is a screening
for neurological issues often related to
dementia where the patient is provided
with a piece of paper and drawing of a
circle and is then asked to fill it in
drawing the numbers of a clock followed
by the hands pointing to a specified
time an abnormal drawing may point to a
decline in cognitive ability brought on
by degenerative neurological disorder
traumatic brain injury or exposure to
mid-2000s video games developed in
Russia or a former Soviet satellite
state while there is no known cure for
exposure to what is colloquially known
as Slav jank treatment can
electroconvulsive therapy the insertion
of titanium psychic dampening plates
with a post-operative regimen if
electroconvulsive therapy vertebra
culling followed by a non-invasive
transorbital lobotomy please draw a
clock the time should read 810 oh yeah
okay let's uh
all right 8:10 there we go what is the
time CV 11 8 10 what is the time CV 11 8
10 what is the time CV 11 uh 8 10 I'm
stuck with this shitty wrench right now
but maybe it has an alt fire let me see
what they bound that repeat attack
repeat attack this game doesn't look too
bad for 2006 I guess it's got physics
and stuff it kind of reminds me of
half-life 2 because of the setting oh
cool a gun this game apparently takes
place in 1955 so we get this relic here
[Music]
all right this game is really nailing a
tone I don't know what that tone is yet
that this game is nailing it we got some
pissed-off miners there's more health
flying around than you can ever use
what's in these jars anyway it doesn't
matter I started this game on Normal
difficulty I'm a little afraid of what
hard might be like I mean how long have
I been playing this ten minutes if you
don't know what to do when in doubt
follow the wire the wire goes nowhere
but there is a switch
yeah okay I guess I didn't have to open
a corpse to get that so that's cool no
horror experience is complete without
demonic dogs hey you get back here
you're in the middle of a scripted event
what what is the time CV 11:00 um it's
uh it's 8:10 okay but none of this is
exactly bad the art direction is pretty
good the weapons work from what I can
tell there's some kind of virus going
around there might be a vaccine and I
don't have it yet oh yes give me more of
that jank we got car keys now let's do
the smart thing and get out of here this
place gives me the creeps I think
this is a game I'm playing it I think
we're about to meet some survivors this
guy seems okay he's waving me in I think
I seem to have arrived at some kind of
farm there's nobody here but mutants
this guy outside was just calling me a
jerk-off I guess I'll show him he gives
me a good old double-barreled shotgun
which the player-character reloads like
an absolute Chad takes no time at all
takes as much time as the doom to super
shotgun not a great ranged weapon okay
we finally meet one of those mutant dogs
like the one that disappeared in loading
screen earlier
you know what a tactical level this game
isn't really bad so far stuff is just
kind of off it's not very hard because
you tank damage and health is abundant
the trade-off being that you move this
slowly what the [ __ ] am i play some of
these enemies are copied and pasted this
site lady the miner so it gets a little
confusing the plot is sold out through
readable Xin the environment which is
fine if you don't have a huge budget
where you can get nolan north to voice
all your characters that's fine like
right here these notes look individually
drawn and placed something has been
wrong with the hens the last few days
they are gaining weight too quickly
they're growing more and more by the day
maybe something has been added to their
feed that's not even badly translated
good job localization team I would have
just said chickens but that would be
ridiculous mutated chickens the size of
dogs maybe or something I
[Music]
no no Jesus [ __ ] what they've done to me
what is the time CV 11 I don't know
anymore
[Music]
what it's the time CB 11 its
what is the time TV 11 it's it's jank
o'clock
oh yeah this is what I expected to be
doing when I woke up this morning oh
[ __ ] that's a person a human person who
is it mutated its ought to be good you
gave them real hell the trouble came
from the city yes I'm telling you the
reason is there have you seen what is
happening it is they you are to blame
damned wise men if we could reach their
bosses the City Council they would
surely say what we must do now the City
Council yeah well the heroes usually go
through the basements and the sewer and
you'll reach the elevator there will be
a train that's your only way of getting
to the city help you can make it hurry
up what do we say about this what could
I possibly add to that he's lying about
that sewer it's more just a basement but
I'm sure there'll be a sewer later
well that's spontaneously combusted
there are no enemies in this game that
shoot explosives at you this game is an
x-file all right I get on this train
like that guy said I think that's what
he said
what the hell is this I met with another
cutscene but this time I can't explain
what's happening exactly I want to oh
god okay I understand this too please
sir
[Music]
the iron workers union is not immune to
communist mutations I say that like I
understand what's going on
yep not using those again what in the
hell is this guy blinking at me with oh
it's a nail gun we get a nail gun
okay so falling 10 feet is worse than
getting shot by a wide margin got it
gotta say the levels are really detailed
they went all out on this weird janky
incomprehensible thing look at this bit
here you're on the top floor of this
factory the wind is blowing these guys
are flying on helicopter blades I nailed
him right in the balls the way the music
kicks in and then when it fades you go
back inside
we got flamethrower guys too I'm gonna
aim down the sights of this nail gun
doesn't have four more accuracy
[Music]
through an underground tunnel that is
not I repeat not a sewer we end up in
Raven home look this whole game takes
place in post-apocalyptic Russia it's
gonna end up looking like half-life 2
it's not the devs fault
[Music]
that's a nice explosion the exaggerated
physics in this game it's not like in
earlier games with physics where
everything had no weight it's more like
everything is heavy and made of rubber
the ragdolls have a very unique way of
moving oh we got snipers let's see how
fast they can kill me cool not really
the best sniper rifle it kills the other
low-level enemies well enough I guess
[Music]
[Music]
Oh
no I don't know why that explosion
happened that's an inaccessible area we
finally reached city law enforcement
authorities have been put on red alert
aren't all alerts red alerts huh
communism jokes upon closer inspection
the model work on these communists
Kuhlman and bad either the way they fly
back when hit with a shotgun blast was
what doom three promised me all the way
back in 2004 and they lied all the
bodies did was disintegrate and I'm
walking around this city admiring the
shockingly detailed design of everything
telephone booths you can open props
littering the ground it's this
juxtaposition of the unnecessarily dark
with the flatly ridiculous which really
speaks to me on a personal level I'm
hiding behind cover to avoid this guy
here and wait what next to this statue
of Lenin there's a note that says in a
world where the work day is short where
no one goes hungry where every person
lives in a house with a bath in a fridge
owns a car even an airplane oh oh I know
you guys were trying to sell communism
but holy [ __ ] start a little smaller
finally a real machine gun I know it's a
submachine gun shut up and after
shooting all the soldiers we finally
gotten into the City Council or whatever
the City Council the City Council yeah
all right torture chair pumping toxic
gas into the room this is the Soviet
rush I know
we get another cutscene with a flashback
to someone who isn't our player
character back when he was a kid where
everyone laughs at him because he's
playing with flies and because he can't
do a pull-up but he comes back later
that night and does it yeah take that
flashback bullies okay we wake up right
back in this room not even tied to that
chair they took my weapons but nobody is
trying to kill me is this predator rules
no sport they still seem pretty pissed
at me who are you ah it doesn't matter
nothing matters anymore nothing at all
he may sound British but that's
definitely Russian the entire world has
collapsed and we have collapsed together
with it and me too
what's a nightmare they didn't know
was supposed to get better better seems
that it is too late now though I don't
know is this a debriefing or a Nirvana
song what is happening if you have
managed to survive and fight your way
here
you may also reach here take this what
the hell is this yeah this will help you
why don't ask me why what's the film
contains everything there is a cinema
nearby you will be able to watch the
film there go there quickly I'm trying
you don't have much time then don't lock
all the doors all is not lost yet um oh
hey where did that gun go I have a
feeling I'm gonna need that nope looks
like I'm back to the wrench for about a
minute I wish that guy had told his men
to stand down so this would be you know
easier he could have done that before he
you know in games like this you don't
expect certain things to work but then
they do
I can't compliment these levels enough
sure they're linear most of the time but
the architecture really captures that
feeling of style and era Soviet
oppression
[Music]
when that guy said the cinema was nearby
he meant I had to take a train to get
there which derailed and then blow up
half the block and then read a note that
says the cinema is just around the
corner find a key to leave the housing
project from the yard keeper who was
dead then go to the cinema and find the
projection is to was also dead and then
we go get the basement key so I can get
a bulb for the projector because old
timey movie projectors needed bulbs and
for what to watch some weird commie
propaganda I swear to God if this video
gets a copyright claim for a movie and
support a communist revolution I'm gonna
lose my [ __ ] for reasons of secrecy it
was decided to establish the object
outside the city limits the larger part
of the object is underground which
provides additional protection and
secrecy a secret Ray Rice ban was built
in order
[Music]
emergency system wants to be activated
should control or the [ __ ]
hey that movie was fine I didn't find
that man's accent convincing but
whatever that never stopped Robert
Downey jr. meanwhile outside the theater
Oh God look out he's from Jersey you
know four Soviets these guys aren't very
tanky shout out to the five people who
got that joke this game is actually
pretty easy so this death is entirely my
fault
weird how that pistol does more damage
than the rifle from earlier we're going
towards the subway gotta catch a train
to the secret facility or no we're going
to the theater but not a movie theater
one of the even older kinds that in
retrospect might actually outlive movie
theaters oh thank you thank you I feel
so awkward
Oh oh my [ __ ] what is this I don't even
know how I can reward you this pathway
leads to the hall from there you can get
out to the roof be careful
they're everywhere I I must go now
goodbye let's never mention this again
oh hey city I'm still trying to piece
the plot together this guy gets hit by a
truck in the city and that he's taken to
a hospital in the country he makes his
way back into the city where he gets a
film that tells him to go back out of
the city to find a device that mutates
people in an attempt to make Soviet
supermen now on to the next cutscene
which best conveys what this whole plot
is about this character the man who
invented this machine the camera falling
all over this enormous machinery with
ant-sized men trapped in it walking by a
man being assaulted and seeing the
others as blueprints yes I understand I
think and I might be proven wrong on
this later I think this might be the
Citizen Kane of Slav jank now that we're
going into the final part of this game I
can safely say that the Soviet Union was
too humanizing and all-around kind of
bad but they did invent this big energy
weapon which is kind of cool you know
see Elon Musk making these things
[Music]
there is a meme an Igor these guys just
disappear another train ride that's
foiled by light wooden boxes on the
tracks now the games throwing hard
enemies at me and surprisingly not much
help at all don't worry I died a couple
times but once you get up into this
pretty impressive Tower
okay new plan hide behind the railing
and now we go up the elevator again to
meet the final boss Stalin
now it's just the scientists from half
the cutscenes who gave his research to
style and so the Soviet Union could
build this machine and put him in it you
know what that's overuse I'm gonna go
with
[Music]
he's waiting for me in the test chamber
I've been waiting for you but I didn't
think you'd show up so soon I have to
admit that you have fought hard now you
know what happened to this world you
know what my great transformation has
led to I feel like the money put towards
the mutant radio tower could have been
used better like on a space program
maybe I'm told that it's so one place
that hasn't been corrupted by capitalism
space many might think that what
happened means the dream has failed yeah
yeah this is delightful my days are
numbered and you are the heir of it all
and you must rule everything the future
of the great transformation and the fate
of this world are in your hands stay in
this world and leave new people forward
who exactly am I supposed to lead here
the miners the wife-beater mutants the
giant chickens you know that's not a man
that's a giant chicken but you are free
to choose a different path oh thank god
the perfect part of mankind and have the
right to determine its fate
you can go back to the past and stop the
birth of the great transformation this
will be your choice and your decision so
I just sit on this chair right here
press one for that horrifying existence
you have there and two for stopping that
from happening
okay no no I didn't make a choice
well I stack I saved the world history
plays out like normal which yeah that's
an improvement but it's not ideal I got
the choice of being a god stuck wired
into a giant antenna or dying in a gulag
the credits roll but what about the
other choice sippy won't you give this
game total coverage
I would but they didn't put the other
choice in rather than give you the
illusion of choice I'm sure they just
didn't have time but all things
considered I enjoyed you are empty so
much so that I was completely enthralled
from start to finish when I started
playing it I spent the next five hours
of my life going through the entire
campaign in one sitting because I had no
idea what was gonna happen next
oh yes I spoiled the experience for all
== Trivia ==
The clock-drawing test is a real neurological diagnostic test.
The title of the video is a reference to The Hoboken Chicken Emergency, a children's book about an enormous chicken.
The movie playing in the cinema opens with clips from Battleship Potemkin, a classic Soviet film of the silent era.
The "for Soviets, these guys aren't very tanky" is a reference to the term Tankie, a pejorative term for Westerners who express support for communist regimes using violence to maintain their authority.
"That's not a man, that's a giant chicken" is a reference to the Animaniacs character Chicken Boo, an enormous but otherwise realistically-depicted chicken who pretends to be a human through the use of flimsy disguises, and is improbably successful.
== Behind the Scenes ==
Category:Episodes
Category:Season 4
Category:Slavjank