Classic Fantasy (James): Session 1

The first session of Classic Fantasy (James)
== Session Synopsis ==
=== The Preamble ===
Crazy Jayke, Whiskey Jack and Teemo were ridiculed in the local tavern for their terrible adventurer names, while Jayke got smashed and tried to convince Old Whiskey to drink with him. Whiskey was T-Total you see. Teemo just looked shifty.
Suddenly the door burst open and a local farmer screamed for help, as some kobolds had stolen his daughter. Jayke asked how much he would pay, and if the daughter was attractive. Whiskey was all Paladin-y and sober and told the farmer their little band would help. Teemo looked shifty.
=== The Journey ===
On the way to the cave that the old farmer was jabbering on about, the group were ambushed by 3 kobolds. Teemo and Whiskey ineffectually poked at the kobolds for a few seconds before Jayke killed two of them instantly with a lightning bolt. Jayke honestly did not min-max, it just turns out role-playing a drunk, rude, selfish arse-hole makes for cracking mages.
Jayke wanted to rest for a while to recoup his lost magic, but was overruled because it was quite likely the farmer's daughter would be eaten before he recovered. Jayke agreed to move on, on the grounds that he wasn't a necrophiliac, so the mission's haste was paramount. Whiskey looked offended, Teemo looked shifty.
=== The Cave ===
In the cave they met little resistance, mainly due to the fact Whiskey and Teemo had misunderstood their armour values, so the kobolds couldn't actually damage them. The kobolds had also misunderstood their armour values. Jayke got a little bored and summoned a pair of daemons (quite luckily) which bit, clawed and maimed their way through the cave.
Finally, the group found the final chamber. There were a group of kobolds facing them down, and the maiden lay in shadows on an alter on the far side. As they prepared to charge, a huge, gaping mouth emerged from the gloom and snatched one of the kobolds. There was a crunch and a blood splatter. Teemo was already looking shifty, and decided to hang back. 
Jayke used the last of his magic counters to summon a Disc of Burden and send it sailing over the snake pit, as the kobolds charged. The disc somehow flipped the farmer's lass onto itself, I'm assuming like a dustpan and brush or a pooper scooper, and bring her back to safety. The farmer grabbed his daughter and fled instantly, without so much as a fuck you, trying to take the torch with him. Luckily, Teemo was at the back looking shifty, and snatched the thankless old goat's torch. Under the flickering, dancing firelight, he continued to look shifty.
What followed was a maelstrom of battle, as the remaining five or six kobolds were dispatched. One kobold was taken by the snake again, who seemed not to have noticed the fresh virgin girl that had sailed over him literally on a plate a few seconds before and preferred the taste of rat-weasel-thing. The melee fighters managed their own head count of 1 or two each, and the fucking mana-less mage one-shotted two himself. With a fucking staff.
The kobolds dead, the question remained... would they kill the snake? They weren't supposed to, but fuck it we just spent 6 hours killing kobolds.
After a frenzied and exhilarating few minutes in which Jayke's leg was almost torn off, barely hanging on by a sinew, the snake lay dead, and there was much rejoicing. Jayke harvested the venom while Teemo looked shifty. The trio did some looting and went back to the farmer's shack, expecting a handsome reward. 
=== The Comedown ===
First, they found the farmer's daughter to be ugly as all hell, it's a wonder they saved the right creature among the kobolds. Secondly, the farmer offered them literally nothing. He had nothing to give. He did offer them dinner though, some bread. Whiskey Jack declined the food in his most irritatingly Paladinic voice, and they left. Teemo looked shifty, mainly because he had 'subtly' swiped the bread as they left. The bread that they had actually been offered. Solid thievery there Teemo.
They sold some shit after that, and then Teemo and Whiskey made a rather grand gesture. They offered Jayke all of their gold so he could have a shot at casting his most treasured spell, a permanent familiar. 
He made the spell, without the need for a re-roll... what would he summon? After an hour sat cross legged in a field or something, a raven (or hawk or something? how is it that this is the only thing i don't remember?) fluttered down and perched on his shoulder. At first, he thought about using his re-roll to get a cooler thing. But then he thought that probably wasn't cool, casually casting this creature aside when it had answered the call to connect with his soul. Still, he wasn't convinced until the bird clucked in a way that sounded suspiciously like "cunt" and then shat on Whiskey Jack's breastplate.