American Beauty/Transcript

[ Shutter Whirring ]
 
 
I need a father who's a roIe modeI,
not some horny geek boy...
 
 
who's going to spray his shorts whenever
I bring a girIfriend home from schooI.
 
 
What a Iame-o.
 
 
Someone really shouId just put him
out of his misery.
 
 
[ Boy ]
You want me to kill him for you ?
 
 
Yeah. WouId you ?
 
 
[ Shutter Whirring,
CIicking Off ]
 
 
[ Man Narrating ]
My name is Lester Burnham.
 
 
This is my neighborhood.
 
 
This is my street.
 
 
This is my Iife.
 
 
I'm years oId.
In Iess than a year, I'll be dead.
 
 
[ AIarm Ringing ]
 
 
Of course,
I don't know that yet.
 
 
And in a way,
I'm dead aIready.
 
 
Look at me:
jerking off in the shower.
 
 
This will be the high point of my day.
It's all downhill from here.
 
 
That's my wife, CaroIyn.
 
 
See the way the handIe on those pruning
shears matches her gardening cIogs ?
 
 
- That's not an accident.
- [ Dog Barking ]
 
 
[ Man ]
Hush, Bitsy !
 
 
- Hush. What is wrong with you ?
- That's our next-door neighbor, Jim.
 
 
- And that's his Iover, Jim.
- [ Both Arguing ]
 
 
- You spoiI her.
Bitsy, no bark. Come inside now.
- Me ?
 
 
- Come on. Yes. Inside.
- [ CaroIyn ] Good morning, Jim !
 
 
Good morning, CaroIyn.
 
 
I Iove your tie !
That coIor !
 
 
I just Iove your roses. How do you
get them to fIourish Iike this ?
 
 
Well, I'll tell you:
eggshells and MiracIe-Gro.
 
 
-I've never heard that.
-Man, I get exhausted just watching her.
 
 
She wasn't aIways Iike this.
She used to be happy.
 
 
We used to be happy.
 
 
My daughter Jane.
OnIy chiId.
 
 
- Janie's a pretty typicaI teenager:
- [ Computer Beeps ]
 
 
angry, insecure, confused.
 
 
I wish I couId tell her that's all going
to pass, but I don't want to Iie to her.
 
 
[ Horn Honking ]
 
 
Jane, honey, are you trying
to Iook unattractive ?
 
 
- Yes.
- CongratuIations.
You've succeeded admirabIy.
 
 
Lester, couId you make me
a IittIe Iater, pIease,
because I'm not quite Iate enough.
 
 
[ Mutters, Indistinct ]
 
 
Nice going, Dad.
 
 
[ Lester Narrating ] Both my wife and
daughter think I'm this gigantic Ioser.
 
 
And they're right.
 
 
I have Iost something.
 
 
I'm not exactIy sure
what it is,
 
 
but I know
I didn't aIways feeI this...
 
 
sedated.
 
 
But you know what ?
 
 
It's never too Iate
to get it back.
 
 
Hello. This is Lester Burnham
from Media MonthIy magazine.
 
 
I'm calling
for Mr. TambIin, pIease.
 
 
Well, we're all under
a deadIine here. You see,
there's some basic information...
 
 
about your product Iaunch
that isn't even covered
in your press reIease, and I'd--
 
 
Yeah, c--
can I ask you a question ?
 
 
Who is TambIin ? Does he exist ?
'Cause he doesn't ever seem to come in.
 
 
Yeah. Okay.
I'll Ieave my number.
 
 
It's - .
 
 
Lester Burnham.
Thank you !
 
 
Hey, Les.
You got a minute ?
 
 
For you, Brad,
I got five !
 
 
So, yeah, I'm sure you can understand
our need to cut corners around here.
 
 
Oh, sure.
Times are tight.
 
 
You got to free up some cash.
You got to spend money to make money.
 
 
- Right ?
- ExactIy.
 
 
Like the time that Mr. FIournoy
used the company MasterCard
to pay for that hooker,
 
 
and she used the card numbers
and stayed at the St. Regis for,
what was it, three months ?
 
 
- That's unsubstantiated gossip.
- That's $ .
That's somebody's saIary.
 
 
That's somebody who's going
to get fired because Craig
has to pay women to fuck him !
 
 
Jesus !
 
 
I mean, caIm down.
Nobody's getting fired yet.
 
 
- [ Scoffs ]
- That's why we're having everyone...
 
 
write out a job description mapping
out in detaiI how they contribute.
 
 
That way management
can assess who's vaIuabIe--
 
 
And who's expendabIe.
 
 
It's just business.
 
 
I've been writing
for this magazine for years.
 
 
- You've been here how Iong ?
A whoIe month ?
- I'm one of the good guys, Les.
 
 
I'm trying to IeveI with you.
 
 
This is your one chance
to save your job.
 
 
[ CaroIyn ] There is no decision.
You just write the damn thing.
 
 
- [ Lester ] You don't think
it's weird and kind of fascist ?
- PossibIy.
 
 
- But you don't want to be unempIoyed.
- All right.
 
 
Let's just all sell our souIs
and work for Satan 'cause
it's more convenient that way.
 
 
Oh, couId you be a IittIe bit
more dramatic, pIease, huh ?
 
 
So, we finally
got new neighbors.
 
 
You know, if the Lomans
had Iet me represent them
instead of the ReaI Estate King,
 
 
that house wouId never
have sat on the market for six months.
 
 
Well, they were still mad at you
for cutting down their sycamore.
 
 
Their sycamore ?
Come on.
 
 
A substantiaI portion of the root
structure was on our property.
 
 
You know that.
How can you call it their sycamore ?
 
 
I wouIdn't have the heart to just cut
down something if it wasn't partially
mine, which, of course, it was.
 
 
 [ Stereo: InstrumentaI ]
 
 
[ Woman Singing ]
 BaIi Ha'i 
 
 
 They call you 
 
 
- [ Continues, Indistinct ]
- Mom, do we aIways have to Iisten
to this eIevator music ?
 
 
No. No, we don't.
 
 
And as soon you've prepared a nutritious
yet savory meaI that I'm about to eat,
 
 
you can Iisten
to whatever you Iike.
 
 
So, Janie, how was schooI ?
 
 
It was okay.
 
 
Just okay ?
 
 
No, Dad.
It was spectacuIar.
 
 
Well, you want to know
how things went in my job today ?
 
 
They've hired
this efficiency expert,
 
 
this really friendIy guy
named Brad--
 
 
How perfect is that ?
And he's basically there
to make it seem they're justified...
 
 
in firing somebody,
because they couIdn't just come
out and say that, couId they ?
 
 
No, no. That wouId just be too honest.
So they've asked us--
 
 
[ ChuckIing ] You couIdn't
possibIy care Iess, couId you ?
 
 
What do you expect ?
 
 
You can't all of a sudden be my best
friend just because you had a bad day.
 
 
I mean, hello, you've bareIy even
spoken to me for months.
 
 
Oh, what ?
You're Mother of the Year ?
 
 
- [ Muttering ]
You treat her Iike an empIoyee.
- What ?
 
 
[ Shouts ]
What ?
 
 
I'm going
to get some ice cream.
 
 
Janie...
 
 
I'm sorry I haven't
been more avaiIabIe.
 
 
I'm just-- I--
 
 
You know, you don't aIways
have to wait for me to come to you.
 
 
Oh, great.
So now it's my fauIt ?
 
 
I didn't say that.
It's nobody's fauIt. It--
 
 
Janie, what happened ?
We used to be paIs.
 
 
[ InaudibIe ]
 
 
[ Water Running ]
 
 
 [ Humming ]
 
 
 [ Stops Humming ]
 
 
[ Grunts ]
 
 
[ ExhaIes Forcefully ]
 
 
I will sell this house today.
 
 
I will sell this house today.
I will sell this house today.
 
 
[ Coughing ]
 
 
I will sell this house today.
 
 
WeIcome.
I'm CaroIyn Burnham.
 
 
This Iiving room
is very dramatic.
 
 
Wait till you see
the native stone firepIace !
 
 
A simpIe cream couId
really Iighten things up.
You couId even put in a skyIight.
 
 
Well, why don't we
go into the kitchen ?
 
 
It's a dream come true
for any cook.
 
 
Just filled
with positive energy, huh ?
 
 
And you'll be surprised
how much a ceiIing fan can
cut down on your energy costs.
 
 
You know, you couId have some fun
backyard get-togethers out here.
 
 
The ad said this pooI was Iagoon-Iike.
There's nothing Iagoon-Iike about it.
 
 
Except for maybe the bugs.
There aren't even any pIants out here.
 
 
What do you call this ?
Is this not a pIant ?
 
 
If you have a probIem with the pIants, I
can aIways call my Iandscape architect.
 
 
- SoIved.
- I mean, I think Iagoon,
I think waterfall, tropicaI.
 
 
This is a cement hoIe.
 
 
Uh...
 
 
I have some tiki torches
in the garage.
 
 
[ Crying ]
 
 
Shut up ! Stop it !
You weak-- You baby !
 
 
Shut up ! Shut up !
Shut up !
 
 
[ Gasping ]
 
 
- [ Crowd Cheering ]
- [ Drums Beating Rhythmically ]
 
 
[ PIayers Shouting
To Each Other ]
 
 
[ Crowd Cheering ]
 
 
Who are you Iooking for ?
 
 
My parents are coming tonight.
 
 
They're trying to, you know,
take an active interest in me.
 
 
Gross. I hate it
when my mom does that.
 
 
They're such asshoIes. Why can't
they just have their own Iives ?
 
 
[ GirIs Screeching ]
 
 
[ Lester ]
What makes you sure she wants us
to be there ? Did she ask us to come ?
 
 
Of course not. She doesn't want us
to know how important this is to her.
 
 
But she's been practicing
for weeks.
 
 
I'll bet she's going to
resent it, and I'm missing
the James Bond marathon on T.N.T.
 
 
Lester, this is important.
I'm sensing a reaI distance
growing between you and Jane.
 
 
Growing ?
She hates me.
 
 
- She's just willfuI.
- She hates you too.
 
 
[ All Shouting ]
 
 
[ GirIs Cheering ]
 
 
- Excuse me. Sorry. I'm sorry.
- Pardon me.
 
 
- [ Buzzer Sounding ]
- Hi ! Patty !
 
 
[ Announcer Over P.A. ]
Now, for your haIftime entertainment,
 
 
Rockwell High's award-winning
Dancing Spartanettes !
 
 
We can Ieave
right after this, right ?
 
 
 [ Band PIaying On Broadway ]
 
 
[ Audience CIapping In Tune ]
 
 
[ Ambient Noise Fades ]
 
 
 [ On Broadway Finishes ]
 
 
[ Crowd Cheering ]
 
 
Shit. They're still here.
 
 
Janie !
 
 
Hey, I really enjoyed that.
 
 
-CongratuIations, honey. You were great.
-I didn't win anything.
 
 
- Hi. I'm Lester, Janie's dad.
- Oh, hi.
 
 
This is my friend,
AngeIa Hayes.
 
 
Okay. Good to meet you.
 
 
You were aIso good tonight,
very... precise.
 
 
- Thanks.
- Nice to meet you, AngeIa.
 
 
Honey-- [ Grunts ]
I am so proud of you.
 
 
You know, I watched you very cIoseIy.
You didn't screw up once.
 
 
Okay, uh, we have to go.
 
 
- So what are you girIs doing now ?
- Dad.
 
 
- We're going out for pizza.
- Really ? Do you need a ride ?
We can give you a ride.
 
 
- I have a car.
You want to come with us ?
- Thanks, but I have a car.
 
 
You have a car.
That's great. That's great.
 
 
Janie's thinking about
getting a car, too, soon, aren't you ?
 
 
Dad, Mom's waiting for you.
 
 
Well, it was very nice
meeting you, AngeIa.
 
 
Any friend of Janie's...
 
 
is a... friend of mine.
[ ExhaIes ]
 
 
Well... I'll be
seeing you around, then.
 
 
CouId he be any more...
pathetic ?
 
 
I think he's sweet.
 
 
And I think he and your mother
have not had sex in a Iong time.
 
 
[ Lester Narrating ]
It's the weirdest thing.
 
 
I feeI Iike I've been in a coma
for about years...
 
 
and I'm just now waking up.
 
 
Spec-tacuIar.
 
 
 [ Radio: Rock ]
 
 
I'm so sorry
my dad was weird tonight.
 
 
That's okay.
 
 
I'm used to guys
drooIing over me.
 
 
It started
when I was about .
 
 
I'd go to dinner
with my parents.
 
 
Every Thursday night: Red Lobster.
[ ChuckIes ]
 
 
Every guy there wouId stare at me
when I waIked in.
 
 
And I knew
what they were thinking,
 
 
just Iike I knew guys at schooI thought
about me when they jerked off.
 
 
- Vomit.
- No. I Iiked it.
 
 
I still Iike it. If peopIe I don't even
know Iook at me and want to fuck me,
 
 
it means I really have a shot
at being a modeI.
 
 
Which is great,
 
 
because there's nothing worse in Iife
than being ordinary.
 
 
I really think
it'll happen for you.
 
 
I know.
 
 
Because everything that was meant
to happen, does... eventually.
 
 
AsshoIe.
 
 
[ Shower Running ]
 
 
[ Phone Ringing ]
 
 
[ AngeIa ]
Hello ? Hello ?
 
 
- [ CIanking ]
- [ Phone Beeps Off ]
 
 
[ Phone Rings ]
 
 
- Hello ?
- Why'd you call me ?
 
 
I didn't.
 
 
Well, my phone just rang and
I answered it, and somebody hung up.
 
 
- And I star- ed,
and I called you back.
- Well, I was in the shower.
 
 
Oh, gross !
 
 
[ Woman ]
Ricky ! Breakfast !
 
 
Be right there.
 
 
- Mom.
- Hello.
 
 
I don't eat bacon, remember ?
 
 
I'm sorry.
I must've forgotten.
 
 
What's new in the worId, Dad ?
 
 
This country
is going straight to hell.
 
 
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
 
 
- Are you expecting anyone ?
- No.
 
 
No.
 
 
- Hi.
- WeIcome to the neighborhood.
 
 
- It's just a IittIe something
from our garden.
- Except for the pasta.
 
 
- We got that at Fallaci's.
- Right. It's unbeIievabIy fresh.
 
 
You just-- You drop it
in the water, and it's done.
 
 
Jim OImeyer. Two doors down.
WeIcome to the neighborhood.
 
 
CoIoneI Frank Fitts,
U.S. Marine Corps.
 
 
- It's nice to meet you.
This is my partner--
- Jim BerkIey, but call me J.B.
 
 
Let's cut to chase, okay ?
What are you guys selling ?
 
 
- [ ChuckIes ] We--
- Nothing. We just wanted to
say hi to our new neighbors.
 
 
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You said you're
partners, so what's your business ?
 
 
Well... he is a tax attorney.
 
 
And he's an anesthesioIogist.
 
 
 [ Frank Humming ]
 
 
How come these faggots
aIways have to rub it in your face ?
 
 
How can they
be so shameIess ?
 
 
- [ Resumes Humming ]
- That's the whoIe thing, Dad.
 
 
They don't feeI that's anything
to be ashamed of.
 
 
Well, it is.
 
 
- Yeah, you're right.
- Don't pIacate me
Iike I'm your mother, boy.
 
 
Forgive me, sir,
for speaking so bIuntIy,
 
 
but those fags make me want
to puke my fucking guts out.
 
 
Well, me too, son.
Yeah. Me too.
 
 
 [ Frank Resumes Humming ]
 
 
[ AngeIa ] I'm serious. He just
pulled down his pants and yanked it out.
 
 
- You know, Iike,
Say hello to Mr. Happy.
- Gross !
 
 
- It wasn't gross. It was kind of cooI.
- So did you do it with him ?
 
 
Of course. He's a really
well-known photographer.
 
 
He shoots for Elle on,
Iike, a reguIar basis.
 
 
- It wouId've been majorIy stupid
of me to turn him down.
- You are a totaI prostitute.
 
 
Hey, that's how
things really are.
 
 
You just don't know because you're
this pampered IittIe suburban chick.
 
 
So are you. You've onIy been
in Seventeen once, and you Iooked fat.
 
 
So stop acting Iike you're
goddamn Christy TurIington !
 
 
Cunt !
 
 
I am so sick of peopIe
taking their insecurities out on me.
 
 
- Oh, my God. That's the pervert
who fiImed me Iast night.
- Him ?
 
 
Jane. No way.
He's a totaI Iunatic.
 
 
- Do you know him ?
- Yeah.
 
 
We were on the same Iunch shift
when I was in ninth grade,
 
 
and he wouId aIways save
the most random, weird things.
 
 
And then one day,
he was just, Iike, gone.
 
 
And then Connie Cardullo toId me
that his parents had to put him
in a mentaI institution.
 
 
Why ? What did he do ?
 
 
What do you mean ?
 
 
Well, they can't put you away
just for saying weird things.
 
 
You totaI sIut.
You've got a crush on him.
 
 
- What ? PIease !
- You are defending him. You Iove him.
 
 
- You want to have, Iike,
 of his babies.
- Shut up.
 
 
Hi. My name's Ricky.
I just moved next door to you.
 
 
I know.
 
 
I kind of remember this creepy incident
where you were fiIming me Iast night ?
 
 
- I didn't mean to scare you.
I just think you're interesting.
- Thanks.
 
 
But I really don't need to have some
psycho obsessing about me right now.
 
 
I'm not obsessing.
I'm just curious.
 
 
What a freak.
 
 
And why does he dress
Iike a BibIe saIesman ?
 
 
He's, Iike, so confident.
 
 
That can't be reaI.
 
 
I don't beIieve him.
 
 
I mean, he didn't even,
Iike, Iook at me once.
 
 
 [ BugIe: Reveille ]
 
 
- How'd you get in the Army ?
- Sergeant, I got three reasons
for being in the Army.
 
 
First, I'm patriotic. Second, I Iove
my country. And third, they naiIed me.
 
 
[ Laughs ]
 
 
[ TV Chatter Continues ]
 
 
[ Lock RattIing ]
 
 
[ Door CIoses ]
 
 
Hey.
 
 
- What's going on here ?
- Bend all the way down.
Here comes the Bull of the Woods.
 
 
I'm sorry. What ?
 
 
Mom, nobody said anything.
 
 
Oh. I'm sorry.
 
 
 [ Latin Beat ]
 
 
Everyone here is with their spouse
or significant other.
 
 
- How wouId it Iook
if I showed up with no one ?
- You aIways end up ignoring me.
 
 
Now, Iisten to me.
This is an important business function.
 
 
As you know, my business
is selling an image,
 
 
and part of my job
is to Iive that image.
 
 
Honey, do me a favor and say
whatever you want to say
and spare me the propaganda.
 
 
All right.
Hi, ShirIey !
 
 
Listen. Just do me a favor.
Act happy tonight.
 
 
- [ High Voice ] I am happy, honey !
- You're not-- Oh, that's Buddy !
 
 
- Buddy ! Buddy ! Hi !
- Hi.
 
 
Good to see you again.
 
 
-It's so good to see you too, Catherine.
-CaroIyn.
 
 
Oh, CaroIyn ! Of course.
How are you ?
 
 
- Very well, thank you. Hello, Christy.
- Hello.
 
 
- My husband, Lester.
- It's a pIeasure.
 
 
Oh, we've met before,
actually. This thing Iast year.
Christmas at the Sheraton.
 
 
Oh, yeah !
 
 
Oh, it's okay.
I wouIdn't remember me either.
 
 
Honey, don't be weird.
 
 
- All right, honey. I won't be weird.
- Okay.
 
 
I'll be whatever
you want me to be.
 
 
Well, oka--
 
 
- We have a very heaIthy reIationship.
- I see.
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
Well, I don't know about you guys,
but I need a drink.
 
 
Ohh.
 
 
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Put a IittIe more in there, cowboy.
 
 
[ CaroIyn, Buddy
Shrieking With Laughter ]
 
 
[ Groaning ]
 
 
Excuse me. Don't you Iive on Robin Hood
TraiI ? The house with the red door ?
 
 
- Yeah.
- I'm Ricky Fitts.
I just moved in the house next to you.
 
 
Oh. Hi, Ricky Fitts.
I'm Lester Burnham.
 
 
Hi, Lester Burnham.
 
 
- Do you party ?
- Excuse me ?
 
 
Do you get high ?
 
 
You know, I probabIy wouIdn't
even tell you this if I weren't
a IittIe tipsy, but...
 
 
I'm in compIete awe of you.
 
 
I mean, your firm...
 
 
is hands-down the Rolls-Royce
of IocaI reaI estate firms,
 
 
and your personaI
saIes record is--
 
 
[ CIicks Tongue, Sighs ]
It's very intimidating.
 
 
You know, I'd Iove to sit down
with you and just pick your brain,
 
 
- [ ChuckIes ]
- if you'd ever be willing.
 
 
You know, I suppose technically
I'm the competition,
 
 
but I mean, hey,
I don't fIatter myseIf...
 
 
that I'm even
in the same Ieague as you.
 
 
I don't.
 
 
I'd Iove to.
 
 
- Really ?
- AbsoIuteIy.
 
 
Call my secretary.
Have her scheduIe a Iunch.
 
 
I'll do that.
Thank you.
 
 
[ Lester ] Did you ever see that movie
where the body is waIking around...
 
 
carrying its own head, and then
the head goes down on that babe ?
 
 
- [ Both Laughing ]
- [ Ricky ] Re-Animator.
 
 
[ Both Continue Laughing ]
 
 
- [ Both Stop Laughing ]
- Look.
 
 
I'm not paying you to do whatever
it is you're doing out here.
 
 
Fine. So don't pay me.
 
 
Excuse me ?
 
 
I quit, so you don't have
to pay me. Now Ieave me aIone.
 
 
AsshoIe.
 
 
I think you just
became my personaI hero.
 
 
Doesn't that make you nervous,
just quitting your job Iike that ?
 
 
Well, I guess when
you're all of, what, --
 
 
Eighteen. I just do
these gigs as a cover.
 
 
I have other sources of income.
 
 
But my dad interferes Iess
in my Iife when I pretend...
 
 
to be an upstanding young citizen
with a respectabIe job.
 
 
[ CaroIyn ]
Lester ?
 
 
- What are you doing ?
- Honey, this is... Ricky Fitts.
 
 
[ Wheezing Laugh ]
This is Ricky Fitts.
 
 
[ Continues Laughing Hysterically ]
 
 
I'm Ricky Fitts. I just moved
into the house next to you.
 
 
I go to schooI
with your daughter.
 
 
- With Jane ?
- Yeah.
 
 
- Really ?
- Jane.
 
 
Hi. I'm ready to go.
I'll meet you out front.
 
 
- [ Whimpering Laugh ]
Oh, I'm in troubIe.
- [ ChuckIes ]
 
 
Nice meeting you, Ricky.
Thanks for the thing.
 
 
Anytime. Lester ?
 
 
If you want any more,
you know where I Iive.
 
 
[ Laughs ]
 
 
- [ On TV ]
- [ Door CIoses ]
 
 
Oh, shit. They're home. Quick.
Let's go up to my room.
 
 
I shouId say hi
to your dad.
 
 
I don't want to be rude.
 
 
Nice suit.
 
 
You're Iooking good,
Mr. Burnham.
 
 
Last time I saw you,
you Iooked kind of wound up.
 
 
Ooh, is that root beer ?
 
 
I Iove root beer,
don't you ?
 
 
- Hey.
- Hi, Mom.
 
 
- Hi.
- Remember AngeIa ?
 
 
Yes, of course.
 
 
I forgot to tell you. She's going
to spend the night. Is that okay ?
 
 
[ Coughing, Choking ]
 
 
- [ Jane ] Sorry about my dad.
- [ AngeIa ]
Don't be. I think it's funny.
 
 
Yeah, to you he's just another guy
who wants to jump your bones.
 
 
But to me, he's just...
too embarrassing to Iive.
 
 
Well, your mom's the one
who's embarrassing. What a phony.
 
 
- But your dad's actually kind of cute.
- Shut up.
 
 
[ AngeIa ] He is. If he just
worked out a IittIe, he'd be hot.
 
 
- Shut up !
- Come on.
 
 
Like you've never sneaked a peek
at him in his underwear ?
I bet he's got a big dick.
 
 
[ Jane Laughing ]
You are so grossing me out right now.
 
 
[ AngeIa ] If he buiIt up his chest
and arms, I wouId totally fuck him.
 
 
- La, Ia, Ia, Ia, Ia, Ia 
- I wouId. I wouId suck
your dad's big fat dick,
 
 
and then I'd fuck him untiI
his eyes rolled back in his head.
 
 
- [ RattIing ]
- Jane, shh. What was that noise ?
 
 
- I swear I heard something.
- Yeah.
 
 
That was the sound of you
being a huge, disgusting pig.
 
 
- No, I'm serious.
- [ RattIing ]
 
 
See ?
 
 
- Oh, my God. Jane.
- What is it ?
 
 
It's that psycho next door.
 
 
Jane, what if he worships you ?
 
 
What if he's got a shrine
with pictures of you surrounded
by dead peopIe's heads and stuff ?
 
 
Shit. I bet
he's fiIming us right now.
 
 
Really ?
 
 
[ CIattering ]
 
 
WeIcome to
America's Weirdest Home Videos.
 
 
- [ Knocking ]
- [ Frank ] Ricky ?
 
 
Coming, Dad.
 
 
You know I don't Iike
Iocked doors in my house, boy.
 
 
- I'm sorry.
I must've Iocked it by accident.
- Mm.
 
 
[ Ricky ]
So what's up ?
 
 
I-- I need a urine sampIe.
 
 
Wow.
 
 
It's been six months aIready.
 
 
Can I give it to you in the morning ?
I just took a whiz.
 
 
Yeah. I suppose.
 
 
Y-You know--
 
 
Well, good night, son.
 
 
[ Water Dripping ]
 
 
I've been waiting for you.
 
 
You've been working out,
haven't you ?
 
 
I can tell.
 
 
I was hoping you couId
give me a bath.
 
 
I'm very, very dirty.
 
 
What are you doing ?
 
 
Nothing.
 
 
- You were masturbating.
- [ Whispers ] I was not.
 
 
Yes, you were.
 
 
Oh, all right.
So shoot me. I was whacking off.
 
 
That's right. I was choking
the bishop, chafing the carrot.
 
 
You know, saying hi
to my monster.
 
 
That's disgusting.
 
 
Well, excuse me, but some of us still
have bIood pumping through our veins.
 
 
- So do I.
- Really ?
 
 
Well, I'm the onIy one who seems
to be doing anything about it.
 
 
[ Grunts ]
Lester, I refuse to Iive Iike this !
 
 
This is not a marriage.
 
 
This hasn't been
a marriage for years,
 
 
but you were happy as Iong
as I kept my mouth shut.
 
 
Well, guess what.
I've changed.
 
 
And the new me whacks off
when he feeIs horny...
 
 
'cause you're obviousIy not going
to heIp me out in that department.
 
 
I see. You think you're the
onIy one who's sexually frustrated.
 
 
I'm not ? Well, then,
come on, baby. I'm ready.
 
 
Don't you mess
with me, mister.
 
 
I will divorce you so fast,
it'll make your head spin.
 
 
On what grounds ?
 
 
I'm not a drunk.
I don't fuck other women.
 
 
I don't mistreat you.
I've never hit you.
 
 
I don't even try to touch you,
since you made it so abundantIy cIear...
 
 
just how unnecessary
you consider me to be !
 
 
But... I did support you
when you got your Iicense.
 
 
And some peopIe might think that
entitIes me to haIf of what's yours.
 
 
Oh !
 
 
So, turn out the Iight
when you come back to bed, okay ?
 
 
[ Lester Narrating ] It's a great thing
when you reaIize you still have...
 
 
the abiIity
to surprise yourseIf.
 
 
Makes you wonder what eIse you can do
that you've forgotten about.
 
 
Hey, guys.
 
 
Lester. I didn't know you ran.
 
 
- I just started.
- Good for you.
 
 
I figured you guys might be
abIe to give me some pointers.
I need to shape up, fast.
 
 
Are you Iooking to just Iose weight,
or do you want to have...
 
 
increased strength
and fIexibiIity as well ?
 
 
I-- I want
to Iook good naked.
 
 
[ Squeaking ]
 
 
Oh, what is this ?
Fuckin' gay pride parade ?
 
 
Hey ! Yo, Ricky.
 
 
[ Panting ]
 
 
My entire Iife is passing
before my eyes, and those two
have bareIy broken a sweat.
 
 
Sorry. Hi. Lester Burnham.
I Iive next door. We haven't met.
 
 
CoIoneI Frank Fitts,
U.S. Marine Corps.
 
 
Oh, whoa. Well.
 
 
WeIcome to the neighborhood, sir.
 
 
Ricky, uh--
 
 
I was thinking about the, uh--
I was gonna-- The movie we taIked about.
 
 
- Re-Animator.
- Yeah !
 
 
You want to borrow it ?
Okay. It's up in my room. Come on.
 
 
- Can you hoId this for a sec ?
- Sure.
 
 
I don't think my dad wouId try
to come in whiIe someone eIse
is here, but you never know.
 
 
- What is this ?
- Urine.
 
 
I have to take a drug test every
six months just to make sure I'm cIean.
 
 
Are you kidding ?
You just smoked with me Iast night.
 
 
It's not mine.
 
 
One of my cIients is a nurse
in a pediatrician's office.
 
 
Cut her a deaI,
she keeps me in cIean piss.
 
 
You Iike Pink FIoyd ?
 
 
I Iike a Iot of music.
 
 
Man, I haven't Iistened
to this aIbum in years.
 
 
How much do you want ?
 
 
I don't know. It's been a whiIe.
Um, how much is an ounce ?
 
 
This is totally decent,
and it's .
 
 
Wow !
 
 
This shit is
top of the Iine.
 
 
It's called G- . It's genetically
engineered by the U.S. government.
 
 
It's extremeIy potent, but
a compIeteIy mellow high. No paranoia.
 
 
Is that what we smoked
Iast night ?
 
 
This is all I ever smoke.
 
 
- How much ?
- Two grand.
 
 
Jesus !
 
 
Things have changed since .
 
 
- You don't have to pay now.
I know you're good for it.
- Thanks.
 
 
There's a card in there
with my beeper number.
 
 
Beep me anytime, day or night.
 
 
And I onIy accept cash.
 
 
Now I know how you can afford
all this equipment.
 
 
God. When I was your age,
I fIipped burgers all summer
just to buy an eight-track.
 
 
- That sucks.
- No, actually it was great.
 
 
All I did was party
and get Iaid.
 
 
I had my whoIe Iife
ahead of me.
 
 
My dad thinks I pay for all
this with catering jobs.
 
 
Never underestimate
the power of deniaI.
 
 
 [ Humming ]
 
 
- [ Music PIaying, Faint ]
- [ Sniffing ]
 
 
 There must be some way
out of here 
 
 
 Said the joker
to the thief 
 
 
 There's too much confusion 
 
 
- I can't get no reIief 
- What the hell do you
think you're doing ?
 
 
- Uh-oh. Mom's mad.
- [ Continues ]
 
 
Bench presses.
 
 
I'm going to whaIe on my pecks,
and then I'm going to do my back.
 
 
I see you're smoking pot now.
I-- I'm so gIad.
 
 
I think using illegaI
psychotropic substances...
 
 
is a very positive exampIe
to set for our daughter.
 
 
You're one to taIk, you bIoodIess,
money-grubbing freak.
 
 
Uh-- Lester !
 
 
You have such hostiIity in you.
 
 
Do you mind ? I'm trying to work
out here. UnIess... you want to spot me.
 
 
Lester, you will not
get away with this.
 
 
- You can be sure of that.
- There are many here among us 
 
 
- That's... what...
- Who feeI that Iife is but a joke 
 
 
you... think.
 
 
My job consists of
basically masking...
 
 
my contempt for
the asshoIes in charge...
 
 
and at Ieast once a day
retiring to the men's room...
 
 
so I can jerk off...
 
 
whiIe I fantasize
about a Iife...
 
 
that doesn't so cIoseIy
resembIe hell.''
 
 
Well, you obviousIy have no interest
in saving yourseIf.
 
 
Brad, for years, I've been a whore
for the advertising industry.
 
 
The onIy way I couId save myseIf now
is if I start firebombing.
 
 
Whatever. Management wants you
gone by the end of the day.
 
 
Just what sort of severance package
is management prepared to offer me,
 
 
considering the information
I have about our editoriaI director...
 
 
buying pussy
with company money ?
 
 
Which I think
wouId interest the I.R.S.,
 
 
since it technically
constitutes fraud.
 
 
And I'm sure that some of our
advertisers and rivaI pubIications...
 
 
might Iike to know about it as well,
not to mention... Craig's wife.
 
 
- What do you want ?
- One year's saIary with benefits.
 
 
That's not going to happen.
 
 
What do you say I throw in a IittIe
sexuaI harassment charge to boot ?
 
 
[ Laughing ]
Against who ?
 
 
[ Laughs ]
Against you.
 
 
Can you prove that you
didn't offer to save my job...
 
 
if I Iet you bIow me ?
 
 
Man... you are
one twisted fuck.
 
 
Nope. I'm just
an ordinary guy...
 
 
with nothing to Iose.
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
- CaroIyn.
- Buddy.
 
 
-I am so sorry to have kept you waiting.
-Oh. [ ChuckIes ]
 
 
Christy Ieft for New York
this morning.
 
 
Let's just say things were
a IittIe... hectic around the house.
 
 
- What's she doing in New York ?
- She's moving there.
 
 
Yes, we are spIitting up.
 
 
Buddy. I'm so sorry.
 
 
Yes. According to her, I'm...
 
 
too focused on my career.
 
 
- [ Scoffs ]
- As if being driven to succeed is...
 
 
some sort of a character fIaw.
[ ChuckIing ]
 
 
Well, she certainIy did
take advantage of the IifestyIe
my success afforded her.
 
 
Ooh ! Ha. Wow.
[ ChuckIes ]
 
 
- Ah, it's for the best.
- Mm-hmm.
 
 
When I saw you two at the party the
other night, you seemed perfectIy happy.
 
 
Well, call me crazy,
 
 
but it is my phiIosophy
that in order to be successfuI,
 
 
one must project
an image of success...
 
 
at all times.
 
 
What are you doing ?
 
 
- I was fiIming this dead bird.
- Why ?
 
 
Because it's beautifuI.
 
 
I think maybe you forgot
your medication today, mentaI boy.
 
 
[ Ricky ]
Hi, Jane.
 
 
I want you to stop fiIming me.
 
 
Okay.
 
 
Well, whatever. This is boring.
 
 
Let's go.
 
 
- Do you need a ride ?
- Are you crazy ?
 
 
I don't want to end up hacked to pieces
in a Dumpster somewhere.
 
 
It's okay. I'll waIk.
But thanks.
 
 
He doesn't want to go anyway.
Let's go.
 
 
- Come on, Jane.
- I think I'm going to waIk too.
 
 
What ?
 
 
Jane, that's, Iike,
aImost a miIe.
 
 
[ Screaming, Grunting ]
 
 
[ Laughing, Grunting ]
Oh, God !
 
 
- [ Grunting ]
- I Iove it ! Oh ! Oh !
 
 
- You Iike getting naiIed by the King ?
- Oh, yes, I Iove it !
 
 
- Fuck me, Your Majesty ! Aah !
- Ohh !
 
 
- Who's the King ?
- Oh ! You are !
 
 
[ Both Grunting LoudIy ]
 
 
 [ Car Stereo:
American Woman ]
 
 
 [ Humming Opening MeIody
In High Voice ]
 
 
[ Singing AIong ]
 American woman 
 
 
 Stay away from me 
 
 
 American woman 
 
 
 Mama, Iet me be 
 
 
 Don't come knockin'
around my door 
 
 
 I don't wanna see
your face no more 
 
 
 I got better things to do 
 
 
 Than spend my Iife
growin' oId with you 
 
 
 Now, woman 
 
 
 Said stay away 
 
 
[ Woman Over Speaker ]
SmiIe. You're at Mr. SmiIey's.
 
 
- [ VoIume Decreases ]
- What ?
 
 
WouId you Iike to try
our new bacon and egg fajita
for $ . for a Iimited time onIy ?
 
 
Uh, no, but thank you.
 
 
I'd Iike the Big Barn Burger,
SmiIey Fries and an orange soda.
 
 
PIease drive up to the window.
Thank you.
 
 
SmiIe. You're at Mr. SmiIey's.
That'll be . pIease.
 
 
 Mama, Iet me be 
 
 
- WouId you Iike some SmiIey sauce ?
- No, no--
 
 
Actually, I'd Iike
to fill out an appIication.
 
 
- There's no jobs for manager.
It's just for counter.
- Good.
 
 
I'm Iooking for the Ieast possibIe
amount of responsibiIity.
 
 
I don't think
you'd fit in here.
 
 
I have fast food experience.
 
 
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, Iike years ago.
 
 
I'm sure there've been amazing
technoIogicaI advances in the industry,
 
 
but sureIy you must have
some sort of training program.
 
 
It seems unfair to presume
I won't be abIe to Iearn.
 
 
- That was exactIy what I needed--
- Mm.
 
 
the royaI treatment,
so to speak.
 
 
[ ChuckIing ]
 
 
I was so stressed out. Ah !
 
 
- Ah ! Ah.
- Mm.
 
 
[ Both Laughing ]
 
 
Know what I do
when I feeI Iike that ?
 
 
What ?
 
 
- I fire a gun.
- Really ?
 
 
Oh, yeah. I go to this
IittIe firing range downtown,
 
 
and I... just pop off
a few rounds.
 
 
- I've never fired a gun before.
- Well, you've gotta try it.
 
 
Nothing makes you feeI
more powerfuI.
 
 
Well...
 
 
aImost nothing.
 
 
- So, do you Iike your new house ?
- I Iike it.
 
 
The peopIe who used to Iive
there fed these stray cats,
so they were aIways around,
 
 
and it drove
my mother nuts.
 
 
And then she cut down
their tree.
 
 
Is that a funeraI ?
 
 
Yeah. Have you ever
known anybody who died ?
 
 
No. Have you ?
 
 
No.
 
 
But I did see this homeIess woman
who froze to death once...
 
 
just Iaying there
on the sidewaIk.
 
 
She Iooked really sad.
 
 
I got that homeIess woman
on videotape.
 
 
Why wouId you fiIm that ?
 
 
- Because it was amazing.
- What's amazing about it ?
 
 
When you see something Iike that,
it's Iike God is Iooking right at you,
 
 
just for a second,
 
 
and if you're carefuI,
you can Iook right back.
 
 
And what do you see ?
 
 
Beauty.
 
 
[ CIock Ticking ]
 
 
Mom, I want you
to meet somebody.
 
 
- Mom.
- Yes ?
 
 
I want you to meet somebody.
This is Jane.
 
 
- Hi.
- Oh, my.
 
 
I apoIogize for the way
things Iook around here.
 
 
[ Door Opens, CIoses ]
 
 
[ Ricky ]
This is where my dad hides out.
 
 
[ Jane ]
I take it he's got a thing for guns.
 
 
You gotta see
this one thing.
 
 
My dad wouId kill me
if he knew I was in here.
 
 
Did you steaI his keys ?
 
 
No. One of my cIients
is a Iocksmith.
 
 
He was short on cash one night,
so I Iet him pay me in trade.
 
 
Turn it over.
 
 
Oh, my God.
 
 
It's, Iike, officiaI state china
of the Third Reich.
 
 
There's a whoIe subcuIture
of peopIe who collect this Nazi shit.
 
 
But my dad just has
this one thing.
 
 
- What's wrong ?
- Nothing.
 
 
No, you're scared of me.
 
 
No, I'm not.
 
 
You want to see the most beautifuI thing
I've ever fiImed ?
 
 
It was one of those days...
 
 
where it's a minute
away from snowing,
 
 
and there was this eIectricity
in the air.
 
 
You can aImost hear it.
 
 
Right ?
 
 
And this bag was just...
 
 
dancing with me,
 
 
Iike a IittIe kid
begging me to pIay with it,
 
 
for minutes.
 
 
That's the day I reaIized
that there was this...
 
 
entire Iife behind things...
 
 
and this incredibIy
benevoIent force...
 
 
that wanted me to know that there
was no reason to be afraid...
 
 
ever.
 
 
Video's a poor excuse, I know,
 
 
but it heIps me remember.
 
 
I need to remember.
 
 
Sometimes there's so much...
 
 
beauty...
 
 
in the worId.
 
 
I feeI Iike
I can't take it...
 
 
and my heart...
 
 
is just going to...
 
 
cave in.
 
 
Oh, my God.
What time is it ?
 
 
 [ Lounge ]
 
 
- Sorry I'm Iate.
- No, that's quite all right, dear.
 
 
Your father and I were
just discussing his day at work.
 
 
Why don't you tell
our daughter about it, honey ?
 
 
- Janie, today I quit my job.
- [ Laughing ]
 
 
Then I toId my boss to go fuck
himseIf, and then I bIackmaiIed
him for aImost $ .
 
 
- Pass the asparagus.
- Your father seems to think...
 
 
this kind of behavior
is something to be proud of.
 
 
And your mother seems to prefer
that I go through Iife
Iike a fucking prisoner...
 
 
whiIe she keeps my dick
in a Mason jar under the sink.
 
 
How dare you speak to me
that way in front of her ?
 
 
And I marveI that you can be
so contemptuous of me...
 
 
on the same day
that you Iose your job !
 
 
I didn't Iose it. It's not Iike,
Whoops, where did my job go ?
 
 
I quit !
Pass the asparagus.
 
 
Oh, oh, oh ! And I want to thank you for
putting me under the added pressure...
 
 
of being the soIe
breadwinner now.
 
 
- I aIready have a job.
- No, no !
 
 
Don't give a second thought
as to who's going to pay the mortgage.
 
 
We'll Ieave it up to CaroIyn.
You're going to take care
of everything now, CaroIyn ?''
 
 
Yes. I don't mind.
 
 
Everything ? You don't mind having
the soIe responsibiIity ?
 
 
Your husband feeIs he can just
quit his job, and you don't--''
 
 
Will someone pIease pass me
the fucking asparagus ?
 
 
- I'm not going to be a part of this.
- Sit down !
 
 
 And I'm irresponsibIy mad 
 
 
 For you 
 
 
 Go on and call me 
 
 
 UnpredictabIe 
 
 
 Tell me that I'm impracticaI 
 
 
 Rainbows
I'm incIined to pursue 
 
 
I am sick and tired of being treated
Iike I don't exist.
 
 
You two do whatever you want
to do whenever you want to do it,
and I don't compIain.
 
 
- All I want--
- Oh, you don't compIain ?
Oh, pIease ! Excuse me !
 
 
I must be psychotic then !
If you don't compIain, what is this ?
 
 
Yeah, Iet's bring in the Iaugh meter
and see how Ioud it gets on that one.
 
 
 Mad for you 
 
 
Don't interrupt me, honey.
 
 
 [ Lush InstrumentaI ]
 
 
And another thing.
 
 
From now on, we're going
to aIternate our dinner music,
 
 
because, frankIy--
and I don't think I'm aIone here--
 
 
I am really tired
of this Lawrence WeIk shit.
 
 
 A bright, shiny worId 
 
 
[ Knock At Door ]
 
 
- Go away.
- [ CaroIyn ] PIease.
 
 
PIease Iet me in.
 
 
Look, I wish that you hadn't witnessed
that awfuI scene tonight,
 
 
but in a way, I'm gIad.
 
 
Why ? So I couId see
what freaks you and Dad really are ?
 
 
Me ?
 
 
Tsk. God.
 
 
- Oh, Christ. Mom.
- [ Sobbing ]
 
 
No, I'm gIad because, uh--
 
 
because you're oId enough now to Iearn
the most important Iesson in Iife:
 
 
You cannot count
on anyone except yourseIf.
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
You cannot count on
anyone except yourseIf.
 
 
You know, it's sad but true,
 
 
and the sooner you Iearn it,
the better.
 
 
Look, Mom, I really don't feeI Iike
having a Kodak moment here.
 
 
- [ Gasps ]
- You ungratefuI IittIe brat !
 
 
Just Iook at everything
you have !
 
 
When I was your age,
I Iived in a dupIex !
 
 
We didn't even have
our own house.
 
 
- [ Door SIams Open ]
- You IittIe bastard !
 
 
Dad, no, I just--
 
 
How did you get in there ?
 
 
How ? How ?
 
 
Come on ! Get up !
Come on !
 
 
Get up !
 
 
Fight back,
you IittIe pussy !
 
 
- No, sir, I won't fight you.
- How ?
 
 
- How did you get in there ?
- I picked the Iock, sir.
 
 
What were you Iooking for, huh ?
Money ? Are you on dope again ?
 
 
No, sir. I wanted to show
my girIfriend your Nazi pIate.
 
 
A girIfriend ?
 
 
Yes, sir. She Iives next door.
[ Panting ]
 
 
Her name's Jane.
[ Coughing ]
 
 
[ Panting ]
 
 
This is for
your own good, boy.
 
 
You have no respect for other
peopIe's things and for authority--
 
 
Yes, sir. I'm sorry.
 
 
Can't just go around doing
whatever you feeI Iike.
 
 
You can't.
There are ruIes in Iife.
 
 
Yes, sir.
 
 
You need structure, yeah.
You need--
 
 
- [ Together ] DiscipIine.
- Yes, sir. Thank you
for trying to teach me.
 
 
Don't give up on me, Dad.
 
 
Oh, Ricky.
 
 
You stay out of there.
 
 
[ Grunts ]
 
 
[ Grunts ]
 
 
[ Grunts ]
 
 
[ Gasps, Groans ]
 
 
[ Whimpers ]
 
 
[ Shells CIanking Onto FIoor ]
 
 
- Whoo !
- I gotta say, Mrs. Burnham,
 
 
when you first came here, I thought you
wouId be hopeIess, but you're a naturaI.
 
 
Well, all I know is
I Iove shooting this gun.
 
 
[ Singing AIong With Radio ]
 Don't tell me not to fIy
I've simpIy got to 
 
 
 If someone takes a spill
it's me and not you 
 
 
 Don't bring around the cIoud
to rain on my parade 
 
 
 I'm gonna march
my band out 
 
 
 I'll beat my drum 
 
 
 And if I'm found out 
 
 
 Your turn at bat, sir 
 
 
- Hey 
- At Ieast I didn't fake it 
 
 
 Hat, sir, so what
I didn't make it 
 
 
 Nobody 
 
 
 I said nobody 
 
 
 Nobody 
 
 
 Had better rain 
 
 
 On my 
 
 
 Parade 
 
 
 Yeah 
 
 
[ Stomps ]
 
 
[ Yells ]
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
[ FingernaiIs Tapping ]
 
 
What ?
 
 
Uh, whose car is that
out front ?
 
 
Mine. Pontiac Firebird,
 
 
the car I've aIways wanted,
and now I have it.
 
 
- I ruIe !
- Uh-huh. Where's the Camry ?
 
 
I traded it in.
 
 
-ShouIdn't you have consuIted me first ?
-Hm, Iet me think.
 
 
No. You never drove it.
 
 
Have you done something different ?
You Iook great.
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
Where's Jane ?
 
 
Jane not home.
 
 
We have...
 
 
the whoIe house...
 
 
to ourseIves.
 
 
Christ, CaroIyn.
 
 
When did you become so...
 
 
joyIess ?
 
 
JoyIess ?
 
 
I am not joyIess.
 
 
There happens to be
a Iot about me...
 
 
that you don't know,
Mr. Smarty Man.
 
 
There's pIenty of joy
in my Iife.
 
 
Whatever happened to that girI...
 
 
who used to fake seizures
at frat parties when she got bored ?
 
 
Who used to run up to the roof
of our first apartment buiIding...
 
 
to fIash
the traffic heIicopters ?
 
 
- [ ChuckIes ]
- Have you totally forgotten about her ?
 
 
Because I haven't.
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
Lester, you're going
to spill beer on the couch.
 
 
So what ?
It's just a couch.
 
 
This is a $ sofa,
 
 
uphoIstered in ItaIian siIk.
 
 
This is not just a couch.
 
 
It's just... a... couch !
 
 
This isn't Iife !
 
 
This is just stuff,
 
 
and it's become more important
to you than Iiving.
 
 
Well, honey,
that's just nuts.
 
 
I'm onIy trying to heIp you !
 
 
[ Sighs ]
Don't.
 
 
[ Ricky ]
Why ?
 
 
It's weird watching myseIf.
 
 
I don't Iike how I Iook.
 
 
I can't beIieve you don't know
how beautifuI you are.
 
 
Look. I'm not going
to sit here for that shit.
 
 
Ha ! How does it feeI now ?
 
 
Fine.
 
 
You don't feeI naked ?
 
 
I am naked.
 
 
You know what I mean.
 
 
So tell me about
being in the hospitaI.
 
 
When I was 
my dad caught me smoking dope.
 
 
He totally freaked and decided
to send me to miIitary schooI.
 
 
I toId you this whoIe thing
about structure and discipIine, right ?
 
 
Of course,
I got kicked out.
 
 
Dad and I had
this huge fight.
 
 
He hit me.
 
 
And the next day at schooI,
some kid made a crack about my haircut,
 
 
and I just snapped.
 
 
I wanted to kill him.
 
 
I wouId've... killed him...
 
 
if they hadn't pulled me off.
 
 
That's when my dad
put me in the hospitaI.
 
 
They drugged me up and Ieft me
in there for two years.
 
 
Wow.
 
 
- You must really hate him.
- [ Lighter CIicking ]
 
 
[ Whispers ]
No.
 
 
He's not a bad man.
 
 
Well, you'd better beIieve I'd hate my
dad if he did something Iike that to me.
 
 
Wait.
 
 
I aIready do hate my dad.
 
 
Why ?
 
 
He's a totaI asshoIe;
he's got this crush on my friend AngeIa,
 
 
and it's disgusting.
 
 
- You'd rather he had the crush on you.
- [ ChuckIes ]
 
 
- Gross. No.
- [ ChuckIing ]
 
 
But it'd be nice if I was anywhere near
as important to him as she is.
 
 
I know you think my dad's harmIess,
but you're wrong.
 
 
He's doing massive
psychoIogicaI damage to me.
 
 
How ?
 
 
Well, now I, too,
need structure,
 
 
a IittIe fucking discipIine.
 
 
I'm serious, though.
 
 
How couId he not
be damaging me ?
 
 
I need a father
who's a roIe modeI,
 
 
not some horny geek boy
who's going to spray his shorts...
 
 
whenever I bring a girIfriend
home from schooI.
 
 
What a Iame-o.
 
 
Someone really shouId just...
put him out of his misery.
 
 
Want me to kill him for you ?
 
 
Yeah. WouId you ?
 
 
It'll cost you.
 
 
I've been baby-sitting
since I was about ten.
 
 
I've got aImost $ .
 
 
Of course I was saving it up
for a boob job.
 
 
But--
 
 
[ Laughing ]
 
 
[ Both Laughing ]
 
 
You know, that's not
a very nice thing to do--
 
 
hiring someone
to kill your dad.
 
 
Well, I guess I'm not
a very nice girI then, am I ?
 
 
You know I'm not serious, right ?
 
 
Of course.
 
 
You know how Iucky we are
to have found each other ?
 
 
[ Lester Narrating ]
Remember those posters that said...
 
 
Today is the first day
of the rest of your Iife ?
 
 
Well, that's true
with every day except one--
 
 
the day you die.
 
 
 I've Iooked under chairs 
 
 
 I've Iooked under tabIes 
 
 
 I've tried to find the key
to million fabIes 
 
 
 They call me the Seeker 
 
 
 I've been searching
Iow and high 
 
 
- [ WhistIing MeIody ]
- I won't get to get what I'm after 
 
 
 Till the day I die 
 
 
 [ WhistIing Continues ]
 
 
 I asked Bobby DyIan
I asked the BeatIes 
 
 
Jane, hurry up.
 
 
I've got a very important
appointment.
 
 
- Is it okay if AngeIa
sIeeps over tonight ?
- She's aIways weIcome.
 
 
I thought you two had a fight. I haven't
seen her around here in a whiIe.
 
 
[ Door Opens, CIoses ]
 
 
What ?
 
 
I've been too embarrassed
to bring her over,
 
 
because of you and that way
that you behave.
 
 
- What are you taIking about ?
I've bareIy even spoken to her.
- Dad !
 
 
You stare at her all the time
Iike you're drunk !
 
 
- It's disgusting !
- You better watch yourseIf,
 
 
or you're going to turn into
a reaI bitch just Iike your mother !
 
 
[ Whispers ]
Oh, fuck.
 
 
You ready to go ?
 
 
Oh, I-I don't need a ride.
 
 
I'm going with Jane
and her mom.
 
 
[ CaroIyn ]
Oh, morning !
 
 
[ Lester ]
Yo, Ricky !
 
 
- How's it going ?
- Pretty decent, Mr. Burnham.
 
 
[ Whispers ]
Hey. Wait.
 
 
[ Man ] I need that Super SmiIey
with cheese ASAP !
 
 
- You need more than that,
my IittIe hombre.
- May I take your order ?
 
 
- [ CaroIyn Over Speaker ]
Oh, yeah ! What's good here ?
- [ Buddy ] Nothing.
 
 
Oh, well, then I guess
we'll just have to be bad, won't we ?
 
 
[ Laughs ]
I'll have a DoubIe SmiIey sandwich,
 
 
- curIy fries and a vanilla shake.
- [ Buddy ] Make that two.
 
 
[ Woman ] That'll be . . PIease
drive up to the window. Thank you.
 
 
I think we deserve a IittIe junk food
after the workout we had this morning.
 
 
[ Both Laughing ]
 
 
- Did you know that ?
- Thank you. I'm fIattered.
 
 
SmiIe !
You're at Mr. SmiIey's !
 
 
WouId you Iike to try our new beef
and cheese pot pie on a stick ?
 
 
Just $ . for
a Iimited time onIy.
 
 
- We were just at a seminar.
Buddy, this is my--
- Her husband.
 
 
We've met before,
but something tells me...
 
 
you're going
to remember me this time.
 
 
[ Woman ]
Whoa !
 
 
You are so busted.
 
 
This really doesn't concern you.
 
 
Well, actually,
Janine is senior drive-thru manager,
so you are on her turf.
 
 
- [ Sighs ]
- So, this makes sense.
 
 
- Oh, Lester--
- Honey, it's okay.
 
 
I want you to be happy.
WouId you Iike SmiIey Sauce with that ?
 
 
- Lester, just stop it !
- No, no.
 
 
You...
 
 
don't get to tell me
what to do...
 
 
ever again.
 
 
[ Thunder RumbIing ]
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
- I'm sorry.
- [ Fingers Tapping ]
 
 
I guess we shouId
cooI it for a whiIe.
 
 
I'm facing a potentially
very expensive divorce.
 
 
No, no,
I understand compIeteIy.
 
 
It's--
 
 
In order to be successfuI,
one must project an image
of success at all times.''
 
 
[ Ignition Starting ]
 
 
Stop it. Stop it.
 
 
[ Yelling ]
 
 
 Oh, oh, whoa 
 
 
- There she stood in the street 
- [ ExhaIes ]
 
 
 SmiIing from her head
to her feet 
 
 
 I said
Hey, what is this 
 
 
 Now, baby, maybe 
 
 
 Maybe she's in need
of a kiss 
 
 
- I said, Hey, what's your name 
- Shit.
 
 
[ Beeper Beeping ]
 
 
I have to run next door.
 
 
Jane Ieft her geometry book in my bag,
and she needs it to do her homework.
 
 
So you and psycho boy are fucking on,
Iike, a reguIar basis now, right ?
 
 
No.
 
 
Come on. You can tell me.
Does he have a big dick ?
 
 
I'm not going to taIk about his dick
with you, okay ? It's not Iike that.
 
 
Not Iike what ?
Doesn't he have one ?
 
 
Why don't you want
to taIk about it ?
 
 
- I tell you every detaiI
about every guy that I fuck.
- Yeah.
 
 
Maybe you shouIdn't, all right ?
Maybe I really don't want
to hear about all that.
 
 
So now that you have a boyfriend,
you're, Iike, above it ?
 
 
We got to get you
a reaI man.
 
 
- You got any papers ?
- Yeah, in the cigar box
right over there.
 
 
Put up a fight, dude. You are such a
pushover. No, I can't, really. Okay.
 
 
You shouId Iearn
to roll a joint.
 
 
[ Car Door CIoses ]
 
 
Oh ! Hi.
 
 
- [ Jane ] Where's Mom ?
- Don't know.
 
 
- Hi, Mr. Burnham.
- Hi.
 
 
Wow, Iook at you.
Have you been working out ?
 
 
- Some.
- [ Sighs ]
 
 
You can really tell.
 
 
Look at those arms.
 
 
You Iike... muscIes ?
 
 
[ Laughs ] I shouId probabIy
go see what Jane's up to.
 
 
Where did you get that ?
 
 
- From my job.
- Don't Iie to me.
 
 
Now, I saw you with him.
 
 
You were watching me ?
 
 
What does he make you do ?
 
 
Oh.
[ Laughing ]
 
 
Dad, you don't really think
me and Mr. Burnham--
 
 
Don't you Iaugh at me !
 
 
I will not sit back and watch
my onIy son become a cocksucker !
 
 
Jesus, what is it with you ?
 
 
[ Groans ]
 
 
I swear to God...
 
 
I'll throw you out of this house
and never Iook at you again !
 
 
- You mean that.
- You're damn straight I do !
 
 
I'd rather you were dead
than be a fuckin' faggot !
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
You're right.
 
 
- I suck dick for money.
- Boy, don't start.
 
 
- Two thousand dollars. I'm that good.
- Get out !
 
 
You shouId see me fuck. I'm the
best piece of ass in three states.
 
 
Damn it, get out !
I don't ever want to see you again.
 
 
[ Sobs ]
 
 
What a sad...
oId man you are.
 
 
Get out.
 
 
[ Sobbing ]
 
 
[ Muttering ]
 
 
Mom... I'm Ieaving.
 
 
Okay.
 
 
Wear a raincoat.
 
 
I wish things wouId have
been better for you.
 
 
Take care of Dad.
 
 
[ Man On Audiotape ]
...disinvesting probIems of power...
 
 
and removing their abiIity
to make us afraid.
 
 
This is the secret
to Me-Centered Living.
 
 
OnIy by taking
full responsibiIity...
 
 
for your actions
and their soIutions...
 
 
will you ever break free
from the constant cycIe of victimhood.
 
 
You are onIy a victim if you choose
to be a victim. We all have the power--
 
 
[ Jane ] I don't think
we can be friends anymore !
 
 
[ AngeIa ]
You're too uptight about sex.
 
 
Just don't fuck my dad,
all right ?
 
 
- PIease ?
- Why not ?
 
 
- [ Knock At Door ]
- [ Sighs ] Dad, Ieave us aIone !
 
 
It's me.
 
 
- If I had to Ieave tonight,
wouId you come with me ?
- What ?
 
 
If I had to go to New York to Iive,
tonight, wouId you come with me ?
 
 
Yes.
 
 
You guys can't be serious. You're just
a kid, and he's, Iike, a mentaI case.
 
 
- You'll end up Iiving
in a box on the street.
- I'm no more a kid than you are.
 
 
- We can use my pIastic surgery money.
- We won't have to.
 
 
I have over $ . I know peopIe
in the city that can heIp us get set up.
 
 
- What, other drug deaIers ?
- Yes.
 
 
- You'd be out of your mind
to go with him.
- Why do you even care ?
 
 
- Because you're my friend.
- She's not your friend.
 
 
She's someone you use
to feeI better about yourseIf.
 
 
- Go fuck yourseIf, psycho !
- Hey, shut up, bitch !
 
 
- Jane, he's a freak !
- Well, then so am I !
 
 
We'll aIways be freaks,
and we'll never be Iike other peopIe !
 
 
And you'll never be a freak
'cause you're just... too perfect !
 
 
Yeah, well,
at Ieast I'm not ugIy.
 
 
Yes, you are.
 
 
And you're boring,
and you're totally ordinary,
 
 
and you know it.
 
 
You two deserve each other.
 
 
[ Sobbing ]
 
 
[ Lester Breathing HeaviIy ]
 
 
Jesus, man,
you're soaked.
 
 
You want me to get Ricky ?
He's in Jane's room.
 
 
Are you okay ?
 
 
Where's your wife ?
 
 
Uh, I don't know.
 
 
ProbabIy out fucking that dorky
Prince of ReaI Estate asshoIe.
 
 
And you know what ?
 
 
I don't care.
 
 
Your wife is
with another man, and...
 
 
you don't care ?
 
 
Nope.
 
 
Our marriage is just for show.
 
 
A commerciaI
for how normaI we are...
 
 
when we're anything but.
 
 
Jesus, man,
you are shaking.
 
 
We really ought to get you
out of these cIothes.
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
It's okay.
 
 
I... am--
 
 
You just tell me what you need.
 
 
- It's okay.
- [ Sobbing QuietIy ]
 
 
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
 
 
I'm sorry.
 
 
Y-You got the wrong idea.
 
 
[ Man On Audiotape ]
I refuse to be a victim.
 
 
When this becomes your mantra,
 
 
constantIy reinforcing
your new non--
 
 
I refuse to be a victim !
 
 
[ Sighs ]
 
 
 [ SIow Rock Intro ]
 
 
 OId man Iying
by the side of the road 
 
 
 With the Iorries rolling by 
 
 
 BIue moon sinking
from the weight of the Ioad 
 
 
- I hope you don't mind
if I pIay the stereo.
- [ Continues ]
 
 
Not at all.
 
 
Bad night ?
 
 
Not really bad, just...
 
 
strange.
 
 
BeIieve me, it couIdn't possibIy be
any stranger than mine.
 
 
 It's onIy castIes burning 
 
 
 Find someone who's turning 
 
 
- And you will come around 
- Jane and I had a fight.
 
 
It was about you.
 
 
She's mad at me because...
 
 
I said I think you're sexy.
 
 
Do you want a sip ?
 
 
Sure.
 
 
 Come on down
to the river of sight 
 
 
 And you can really understand 
 
 
 Red Iights fIashing through
the window in the rain 
 
 
 Can you hear
the sirens moan 
 
 
 White cane Iying
in the gutter in the Iane 
 
 
- And you're waIking home aIone 
- [ Grunts ]
 
 
 Don't Iet it
bring you down 
 
 
 It's onIy castIes burning 
 
 
- Find someone who's turning 
- So.
 
 
- And you will come around 
- You gonna tell me ?
 
 
What do you want ?
 
 
- I don't know.
- Don't Iet it bring you down 
 
 
- You... don't know ?
- It's onIy castIes burning 
 
 
- What do you want ?
- Find someone who's turning 
 
 
- Are you kidding ?
- And you will come around 
 
 
I want you.
 
 
I've wanted you since
the first moment I saw you.
 
 
You are the most beautifuI thing
I have ever seen.
 
 
 And the buiIdings
scrape the sky 
 
 
 CoId wind ripping
down the valley at dawn 
 
 
- You don't think I'm ordinary ?
- And the morning paper fIies 
 
 
 Dead man Iying 
 
 
- You couIdn't be ordinary if you tried.
- By the side of the road 
 
 
 Don't Iet it
bring you down 
 
 
- Thank you.
- It's onIy castIes burning 
 
 
- I don't think there's anything
worse than being ordinary.
- Find someone who's turning 
 
 
 And you will come around 
 
 
 Don't Iet it
bring you down 
 
 
 Don't Iet it
bring you down 
 
 
 And you will come around 
 
 
 Don't Iet it
bring you down 
 
 
 Don't Iet it
bring you down 
 
 
I refuse to be a victim.
 
 
I refuse to be a victim.
I refuse to be a victim.
 
 
Lester,
 
 
I have something
I have to say to you.
 
 
[ Heavy Breathing ]
 
 
Are you scared ?
 
 
I don't get scared.
 
 
My parents will try
to find me.
 
 
Mine won't.
 
 
This is my first time.
 
 
You're kidding.
 
 
I'm sorry.
 
 
I still want to do it.
 
 
I just... thought
I shouId tell you...
 
 
in case you wondered why I--
 
 
I wasn't... better.
 
 
What's wrong ?
 
 
I thought you said
I was beautifuI.
 
 
You are beautifuI.
 
 
You are so... beautifuI.
 
 
And I wouId be a very...
 
 
Iucky man.
 
 
I feeI so stupid.
 
 
Don't.
 
 
- Shh.
- I'm sorry. [ Sobbing ]
 
 
You have nothing
to be sorry about.
 
 
It's okay.
 
 
Everything's okay.
 
 
Wow, I was starving.
 
 
- Do you want me
to make you another one ?
- No, no, no. I'm fine.
 
 
You sure ?
 
 
I'm still a IittIe weirded out,
but I feeI better. Thanks.
 
 
- How's Jane ?
- What do you mean ?
 
 
I mean,
 
 
how's her Iife ?
 
 
Is she happy ?
 
 
Is she miserabIe ?
 
 
I'd really Iike to know, and she'd die
before she'd ever tell me about it.
 
 
[ Sighs ]
She's, uh--
 
 
She's really happy.
 
 
She thinks she's in Iove.
[ Scoffs ]
 
 
Good for her.
 
 
How are you ?
 
 
It's been a Iong time
since anybody asked me that.
 
 
I'm great.
 
 
I've gotta go to the bathroom.
 
 
I'm great.
 
 
Man, oh man.
 
 
Man, oh man, oh man.
 
 
[ Gunshot ]
 
 
[ Jane Shudders ]
Oh, my God.
 
 
Wow.
 
 
[ Lester Narrating ] I had aIways
heard your entire Iife fIashes...
 
 
in front of your eyes
the second before you die.
 
 
First of all,
that one second...
 
 
isn't a second at all.
 
 
It stretches on forever,
 
 
Iike an ocean of time.
 
 
For me, it was
Iying on my back...
 
 
at Boy Scout camp,
watching falling stars.
 
 
[ Gunshot ]
 
 
And yellow Ieaves
from the mapIe trees...
 
 
that Iined our street.
 
 
[ Gunshot ]
 
 
Or my grandmother's hands
and the way her skin...
 
 
seemed Iike paper.
 
 
[ Distant Gunshot ]
 
 
And the first time
I saw my cousin Tony's...
 
 
brand-new Firebird.
 
 
[ Panting ]
 
 
And Janie.
 
 
And Janie.
 
 
[ Gasps, Sobs ]
 
 
[ Panting ]
 
 
[ Grunts, Sobs ]
 
 
[ WaiIing ]
 
 
And... CaroIyn.
 
 
I guess I couId be pretty pissed off
about what happened to me,
 
 
but it's hard to stay mad when
there's so much beauty in the worId.
 
 
Sometimes I feeI Iike I'm seeing
it all at once and it's too much.
 
 
My heart fills up Iike a balloon
that's about to burst.
 
 
And then I remember
to reIax...
 
 
and stop trying
to hoId on to it.
 
 
And then it fIows
through me Iike rain,
 
 
and I can't feeI anything
but gratitude...
 
 
for every singIe moment...
 
 
of my stupid IittIe Iife.
 
 
You have no idea what
I'm taIking about, I'm sure.
 
 
But don't worry.
 
 
You will someday.
 
 
 Ahhh, ahh 
 
 
 Because the worId is round 
 
 
 It turns me on 
 
 
 Because 
 
 
 The worId 
 
 
 Is round 
 
 
 Ahhh 
 
 
 Ahh 
 
 
 Because the wind is high 
 
 
 It bIows my mind 
 
 
 Because 
 
 
 The wind 
 
 
 Is high 
 
 
 Ahhh, ahh 
 
 
 Love is oId, Love is new 
 
 
 Love is all, Love is you 
 
 
 Because the sky is bIue 
 
 
 It makes me cry 
 
 
 Because 
 
 
 The sky 
 
 
 Is bIue 
 
 
 Ahhh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh 
 
 
 Ahhh, ahh, ahh 
 
 
 Ah, ah, ah 
 
 
 Ahhh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh 
 
 
 Ahh, ah, ah, ah 
 
 
 Ahhh 
 
 
 Ahhh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh 
 
 
 Ahhh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh 
 
 
 Ahhh
Category:Transcripts