WBC Movie Night: Say No To Strangers (Johnsonverse)

The following is a transcript of the WBC Movie Night presentation of the 1963 educational film Say No To Strangers, as riffed by Lucky Star Team A (Konata, Kagami, Tsukasa, and Miyuki). It was released on YouTube on July 12, 2021.
== Transcript ==
* (The film opens on a schoolyard with children playing)
* Konata: Ah, yes. The less-discussed part of the Zapruder reel.
* (The title appears on screen)
* Kagami: They had to underline "no", just in case you thought it was "on" upside-down.
* Narrator: The boys and girls in this schoolyard are waiting for the first bell.
* Tsukasa (in a mock high-class voice): Very orderly.
* Narrator: This is Wendy Wedd.
* Miyuki: Wendy is in training to be a Candy Striper for the circus.
* Narrator: This is her twin brother, Jamie.
* Konata (in a mock kid voice): Viva la revolution!
* Narrator: There's the bell--
* Kagami: Just in case you were too stupid to know.
* Narrator: --them to their classroom
* (The scene cuts to the kids walking past their teacher into the classroom)
* Narrator: Good morning, Miss Jones.
* Miss Jones (acknowledging the camera): Good morning!
* Tsukasa: Miss Jones is the only one qualified to break the fourth wall.
* Narrator: The children are very fond of her, and Miss Jones likes each of the pupils.
* Miyuki: Perhaps a little TOO much...
* (scene cuts to inside the classroom)
* Narrator: This is a day like any other in class.
* Konata: This class has a camera crew in it every day.
* (Miss Jones writes something on the board)
* Konata (as Miss Jones): Okay, class, what's the word?
* Kagami and Tsukasa (as the students): CASTRO!
* Miyuki (as a student who doesn't know): Vietnam?
* Konata (as Miss Jones): Very good.
* Narrator: Arithmatic...
* Konata and Tsukasa (sarcastically): Yay...
* (Wendy looks at the board, then back down at her paper)
* Kagami: Ugh, damn new math. Makes no sense.
* (Miss Jones looks down at a student's paper)
* Tsukasa: So THAT'S how you do long division...
* Narrator: Reading...
* Miyuki: Uh, Miss Jones? What is "Fifty Shades of Grey"?
* Narrator: Music...
* Konata: Yes, check out Miss Jones' MAD conducting skills.
* (Wendy is shown singing)
* Kagami (as Wendy): Hehe, she sucks. Oh, well, I better humor her, I can't afford another F...
* Narrator: And finally, it is almost time for the dismissal bell.
* Tsukasa: 9:05 AM. It's an accelerated school.
* (Miss Jones walks over to a board)
* Narrator: ...Miss Jones suggests they review the safety rules this discussed yesterday. The four rules are...
* Miss Jones: Don't accept gifts from strangers.
* Miyuki: Little disembodied...
* Narrator: How many of you can tell us why? The children know how important it is to remember these safety rules.
* Konata: But we can't be bothered to answer our own damn question.
* Narrator: Do you remember the important reasons for this?
* Kagami: Yes, but your secret's safe with me.
* Miss Jones: Don't walk through dark or lonely streets.
* Tsukasa: You might end up at the Hazbin Hotel. I hear a radio demon lurks around there...
* Narrator: The children realize that safe behavior is just as important as spelling and arithmatic.
* Miss Jones: Remember, the policeman is always your friend.
* Miyuki: Especially if he's wearing a badge that says "Stud Police".
* (the bell rings)
* Narrator: And so this school day comes to a close.
* Konata: All thirteen minutes of it.
* Narrator: Some children remain after school to play.
* Kagami: Ah, yes, tetherball. For those who can't handle REAL sports. And for the record, I always got my ass kicked at that game...
* Narrator: There are those that ride their bikes home. And some walk home.
* Tsukasa: While others teleport home.
* Narrator: Wendy and Jamie live just a couple of blocks from the school. Unless the weather is bad, they walk to and from school every day.
* Miyuki: UP HILL! BOTH WAYS! THROUGH A MINEFIELD!
* Narrator: Sometimes, there are interesting things to do or see on the way home from school.
* Konata: Like today, Mr. Whipple was waiting to abduct them.
* Kagami: Plot twist: he just wanted to take them down to McDonald's to assist in his "Bring Back the McRib" protest.
* Narrator: All children love puppies.
* Tsukasa: And if you don't, you're automatically expelled from youth.
* Narrator: ..and will usually let them pet or play with the puppy.
* Miyuki (as the puppy): Get me away from this mad man!
* Narrator: ...give it to the children as a gift.
* (ding)
* Miss Jones (v/o): Don't accept gifts from strangers.
* Konata: *sigh* Will someone let Miss Jones out of the microwave?
* (Wendy and Jamie walk away from the old man with the puppy)
* Kagami (as the old man): Welcome to the wonderful world of rabies!
* (scene cuts to the next day)
* Narrator: It is the next day...
* Tsukasa: You'll just have to take our word for it.
* Narrator: ...are on their way to school, and they have occasion to remember another one of the safety rules.
* Miyuki: Oh, hey, a self-stopping car!
* Narrator: ...going past the school, and will be glad to give them a ride.
* Konata (as Jamie): Nice car...nice car...
* (ding)
* Miss Jones (v/o): Don't accept rides from strangers.
* Kagami: Great, now Miss Jones has got herself stuck in the toaster oven. Weird, weird woman that Miss Jones.
* (scene cuts to Wendy and Jamie at home doing chores)
* Tsukasa: Whee! Polishing furniture is fun!
* Narrator: Wendy and Jamie help...
* Miyuki: You know, they bought that couch JUST to match the walls.
* Narrator: After lunch, they're free to go to the park for the afternoon. Their mother reminds them to be sure to be home before dark.
* Konata: That's when the Karens come out.
* (scene cuts to the park)
* Narrator: Parks and playgrounds are fun.
* Kagami: Aren't they?! AREN'T THEY?!?!?!
* (Wendy and Jamie are on a slowly-turning merry-go-round)
* Tsukasa (bored): Whee. We are having a good time. Whee. And that was my Minami impersonation.
* Narrator: There is so much to do.
* Miyuki: So you can have a generic, bland, non-descript good time! Whee.
* Konata: Can't you see how pertinent this is to the concept of stranger danger? Yeah, neither can I.
* Kagami: Isn't all this danger just thrilling? I mean, listen to this music! I bet it's great to get abducted!
* (Wendy gives a "dammit" gesture while playing hopscotch)
* Tsukasa: And Wendy becomes the first person to LOSE at hopscotch!
* Narrator: And because there is so much to do, we sometimes forget how quickly the time passes.
* Konata: I'm having a more generic good time!
* Kagami: No, I'M having a more generic good time!
* Konata: NO, I'M HAVING A MORE GENERIC GOOD TIME!
* Kagami: NO, I'M HAVING A MORE GENERIC GOOD TI--
* (Wendy points offscreen)
* Kagami: Oh, look!
* (scene cuts to a clock)
* Tsukasa: It's 5:34! The witching hour for child molesters! We better get going before all the good ones are taken!
* Narrator: ...worry if they're not home on time. And Wendy and Jamie do not want...
* Miyuki (as Wendy): Stop! You could've been run over by Wonder Woman's new Invisible Dodge Challenger, Jamie!
* (scene cuts to Wendy and Jamie in another part of suburbia)
* Konata (as Wendy): Jamie, I think you're wacko! Now you're seeing men behind bushes!
* Kagami: Ah, yes, coming home from the park by way of Chinatown. Kasukabe never have a Chinatown.
* (Jamie points down an alley)
* Narrator: ...knows a shortcut. If they go down this street, they can save time.
* (ding)
* Miss Jones (v/o): Don't walk through dark or lonely streets.
* Tsukasa: Now Miss Jones is in the pressure cooker!
* Narrator: ...stay on the main street.
* (a policeman accidentally bumps into Wendy, and an offscreen car crash sound is heard)
* (ding)
* Miss Jones (v/o): Remember, the policeman is always your friend.
* Miyuki: ...okay, we're officially out of appliance jokes.
* (Wendy and Jamie walk up to the police officer)
* Konata: Can you arrest us, pretty please, Mr. Officer Man?
* Narrator: Yes, the policeman is your friend. Always feel free to call on him for help.
* Kagami: Because lord knows he has nothing better to do than to drive your stupid little brats home.
* (scene cuts to Wendy and Jamie in their pajamas, drawing pictures)
* Tsukasa: The old midget couple sits down to complete their taxes. They have festive Christmas music playing on the Hi-Fi to get them in that tax spirit.
* (Wendy sticks her tongue out while concentrating, and one of the girls blows a quick raspberry; it is unclear who did so)
* (shot cuts to the picture Wendy drew)
* Miyuki: Wendy dreams of having Backward Arm Syndrome, like all the normal kids.
* (Wendy stands up and puts the drawing on a bulletin board)
* Konata: I swear, the kids in this thing are part of some genetic experiment to create the perfect child.
* (Wendy stands back, folds her arms, and nods in approval)
* Kagami: Wendy revels in this being the proudest moment of her life. Ever.
* (shot cuts to Jamie drawing)
* Tsukasa: I like Jamie's fluffy horse blanket robe. Don't you?
* (shot cuts to the picture Jamie drew)
* Miyuki: Jamie envisions himself at age 50.
* (Jamie stands up to put his drawing on the same bulletin board as Wendy)
* Konata: C'mon, kid, hang it up...
* (Jamie puts the drawing up)
* Kagami: Apparently, being fraternal twins guarantees identical drawing skills. Gotta ask Link and Solo if that's true.
* (Jamie stands back to admire his work)
* Tsukasa: *sighs* Yes, let's get every beautiful frame of this.
* (Jamie walks back to draw another picture)
* Miyuki: Better start on that ransom note...
* (shot cuts to Wendy)
* Konata (as Wendy): Dear Congressman, if you don't send me $50,000...
* (shot cuts to what Wendy drew, then cuts to her standing up to put it on the bulletin board)
* Konata: *groans* God...do we REALLY need to see all this?! They're just padding the runtime at this point!
* Kagami: Actually, Konata, we should be glad, because this is the edited version. The full director's cut has every frame of all the drawing, everything, it runs for like six hours.
* (Wendy edits the policeman in Jamie's drawing to have a smile)
* Tsukasa: Wendy has long dreamed of carving permanent smiles on law enforcement personnel.
* (Jamie stands to put the drawing on the bulletin board)
* Miyuki: ENNND!! ENNNNND!!!!
* Konata: This is making Out of Africa look like an action-packed thrill ride!
* (Wendy and Jamie put the drawing on the bulletin board together, and then shake hands)
* Kagami: And how!
* Narrator: We have learned the safety rules. We hope you have, too!
* Tsukasa: But not the reasoning behind those rules, because that would just be stupid!
* (the end card is shown, and Konata, Kagami, and Tsukasa stand up to leave the theater)
* Miyuki: And that's it for this video! Join us next time when we found out what happened to Jamie and Wendy's father!
* (short ends)
Category:Johnsonverse