Episode 117: Ben Vereen/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 117: Ben Vereen.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	IIt's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen! Whoo!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey! I wouldn't say that The Great Gonzo is dumb, but when he graduated from school, he didn't get a diploma, he got a pension. Ah?
 	The audience laughs. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
Mr. Ben Vereen!
 	Open on Ben, who makes "jazz hands" as Muppets gather around him.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	A Green Frackle whacks Gonzo with his own mallet.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Hi-ho, hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest tonight is a young man who soared to stardom on Broadway in Pippin, had his own television series, and is one of the really multitalented performers in show business, Mr. Ben Vereen. He really moves, and, speaking of that, let's get things moving right now on The Muppet Show!
 	
 	A Two-Headed Singer croons "Jump Shout Boogie" while some Whatnots "jump, shout and knock [themselves] out."
Rowlf 	Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Vereen!
 	
 	Ben appears and dances.
Waldorf	Heh. No doubt about it, I'm beginning to like this show.
Statler	Really?
Waldorf	Yep, it's really starting to grab me.
Statler	Hmm.
 	
 	Two fuzzy orange hands grab Waldorf.
Statler	Something's starting to grab you. (laughs)
==Backstage==
 	The Muppet dancers from the opening number pass by Kermit, including the two-headed singer.
Dancer (JN)	I don't care! Next time, use a deodorant!
Kermit 	Nice. Nice number.
Green head 	I wear the pants in this act.
Kermit 	That was great. Really hep to the jive.
 	He walks over to Fozzie, curious about a big green box.
Fozzie 	Hey, Kermit, Kermit? Hey, wha — what is this?
Kermit 	Oh, that belongs to uh, Marvel the Magician. It's for next week's show.
Fozzie 	Oh, that's very interesting.
Kermit 	Yeah, but Fozzie, don't go in there.
Fozzie 	Oh, come on, Kermit, I'm a big bear. I won't hurt anything.
Kermit 	Yeah, but Fozzie, don't slam that door.
 	Fozzie steps into the box and closes it.
Fozzie 	I didn't slam it. I closed it very quietly.
 	
Kermit 	Yeah, and you're never gonna open it again.
Fozzie 	Wh-what do you mean?
Kermit 	Well, I tried to tell you it's a trick door. Only Marvel the Magician can open it.
Fozzie 	But — but Kermit, I have an act to do! Go get Marvel!
Kermit 	I can't. He's in Toledo. (walks off)
Fozzie 	And I'm in big trouble.
=="Mr. Cellophane"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay, right now I'd like to introduce Ben Vereen, a blockbuster of a talent.
 	Crazy Harry pops up in the balcony.
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "blockbuster"?
Statler 	Hit the dirt!
 	He and Waldorf duck. Harry sets off an explosion and laughs.
Kermit 	Well, there's uh, nothing like starting off with an explosive opening. Heh. Uh, hey, listen, you wanna have George the Janitor clean up that mess? Uh, now, as I was saying, we have a real dynamite guest tonight …
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "dynamite"? (Explosion.)
Waldorf 	I'm beginning to get a slight headache.
Kermit 	Hey, will somebody throw a net over Crazy Harry so we can get the show rolling? Right now I'd like to introduce our guest star — and you better not interfere with his act, Crazy Harry, because he has a short fuse.
 	
Crazy Harry	Did someone send for a short fuse?
Kermit 	Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ben Vereen!
 	Explosion.
 	
 	Ben sings "Mr. Cellophane" and plays the titular, unseen character.
Ben 	I hope I didn't take up too much of your time.
 	He vanishes while walking away. Applause.
Statler 	I think the guests that come on this show should get combat pay.
Waldorf 	What about us?
Statler 	Well, we're volunteers.
Waldorf 	Maybe you are. I was drafted into this chicken outfit.
Statler 	Oh.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie is still trapped inside the green box. Kermit bangs on the box with a hammer.
Kermit	It's no use, Fozzie. I don't think we'll ever get this thing open before the end of the show.
Fozzie	Oh, I feel awful.
Kermit	Yeah? Well, that's the way it goes.
Fozzie	Well, I feel so sorry for everyone.
 	
Kermit	How do you mean?
Fozzie	Well, they'll all be so disappointed when you tell them that today's show is canceled.
Kermit	Canceled?
Fozzie	Mm, yeah. Well, obviously you cannot do the show without me.
Kermit	Um … uh … Fozzie … (aside) How shall I break this to him?
Fozzie	What?
Kermit	Uh, Fozzie, there is one alternative to canceling the show.
Fozzie	Oh, there is? Yeah?
Kermit	Uh, We can replace you.
 	Fozzie faints.
Kermit	Fozzie? … He takes these things kind of hard.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news bulletin. (runs to the desk) Dateline, New Brunswick. Mr. Melvin Cosgrove climbed a 30-foot pole and scrambled onto a six-by-six-foot platform. His goal: to break the world's record in flagpole sitting. That was 16 years ago, and yesterday his wife started wondering how Cosgrove was doing, especially since he was 84 years old when he started.
 	
Newsman	Authorities climbed the pole this morning and found that he had indeed passed away. As a fitting tribute to her brave husband, Mrs. Cosgrove announced that for the next ten days, she will fly him at half-mast.
 	He scowls and walks away.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom, starting with Mildred and George.
Mildred 	You know, I, uh, picked up a hitchhiker the other day.
George the Janitor	Oh, really?
Mildred 	Yes, well, it's only right. I was the one who knocked him down.
 	We go on to Zoot and Janice.
Janice 	Tell me, do you like bathing beauties?
Zoot 	I don't know, I've never bathed one.
 	And on to two pigs.
Male pig 	You know, last week my cousin was seen on television by 30 million people.
Female pig 	Oh, what is he, a rock star?
Male pig 	No, a football.
 	And on to two Whatnots dancing cheek-to-cheek.
Green Whatnot 	You know, I really got my eye on you.
Pink Whatnot 	Oh, really?
 	He lifts his head and his eye sticks to hers.
Green Whatnot 	Really.
 	Uh-oh … it's that loud lady again.
Loud lady 	(loudly) Herman, today I auditioned as an announcer for a TV show. Yeah, but they didn't hire me. You know why? Because I'm a woman, that's why! Discrimination! Are you listening to me?!
Herman 	What kind of a program was it?
Loud lady 	Sermonette.
 	Back to Zoot and Janice.
Janice 	Did you know the Rolling Stones are here tonight?
Zoot 	No kidding? They're my favorite singing group.
Janice 	No, these are the other rolling stones.
 	
 	Three giant rocks roll by.
==UK spot==
	
	Rowlf plays "Für Elise" (sometimes hurting his hands on the keyboard).
==Talk spot==
Kermit 	Hey, you know, it's really great to have you on the show. You're — why, Ben, you're just a bundle of energy,
Ben 	(laughs) Yeah, well, as a dancer, I try to keep in shape, you know.
Kermit 	Oh, you're telling me. I've seen you dancing on Broadway and television and movies. Why, you must work out a lot, huh?
Ben 	(laughs) Well, yes, because you see, Kermit, as a dancer, your body is one of the most important things you have. Did you ever stop to think where, would you be without your, um … your body?
Kermit 	Uh … no, no, I never asked myself that, but it's a darn good question.
Ben 	(laughs) You see, as a dancer, I've gotta be able to go to a leap, uh, with great explosive power, you see…
 	
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "explosive power"?
Kermit 	No!
Ben 	No!
 	
 	Explosion. Harry's explosion propels Ben into the air. Kermit looks up and sees Ben hanging from the rafters.
Kermit 	Nice. Nice leap.
 	
Waldorf 	Well, time for a tea break.
Statler 	All right.
 	He knocks the teacup off the balcony.
Waldorf 	Literal chap, isn't he?
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie is still stuck in the green box.
Fozzie	Kermit? Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit	Hmm?
Fozzie	Oh — Kermit! Hey, you can't do the show without me.
Kermit	Well, Fozzie, what choice have I got?
Fozzie	Bu— but a Muppet Show without Fozzie Bear? It's like Gilbert without Sullivan. Ham without cheese. Poca without hontas.
Kermit	"Poca without hontas"?
Fozzie	Yeah.
Kermit	What's a poca?
 	Polka music begins playing. George the Janitor and Miss Piggy dance by.
 	
Kermit	I know, I know! That's a polka! Will you guys get out of here? (shoves them away)
Fozzie	Aaaah! … See? Even in a box I'm funny. You need me! The show needs me, Kermit! Who cares about a frog? I'm stuck.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy pretends to be a dog, using a metal mask as a muzzle. She takes her position.
Announcer 	And now Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooory of a former orthopedic surgeon who's gone to the dogs.
 	George the Janitor is the patient. Rowlf sings and dances.
Rowlf 	Hut-Sut Ralston on the rillerah, with a brawla, brawla sooet …
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Dr. Bob, you can't sing at a time like this.
Rowlf 	I'm not singing "At a Time Like This," I'm singing "Hut-Sut Ralston." (laughs) An oldie but goodie. (laughs)
George the Janitor	How'd I ever get myself into this sketch?
Rowlf 	Take it easy, George.
George the Janitor	Ehh.
Janice 	Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking.
Rowlf 	Well, I vonder vat he is sinking about.
Others 	(groan)
Rowlf 	Well, laugh it up, nurse. These are the jokes.
Janice 	The only joke around here is you, Dr. Bob. This patient needs your assistance.
Rowlf 	Well, you're my assistants, but what he's gonna do with the two of you, I'll never know. (laughs)
 	
George the Janitor	Look, either give me some help or let me outta here.
Rowlf 	Well, what seems to be your trouble?
George the Janitor	I keep breaking out in a cold sweat.
Rowlf 	(looks under the sheet) Oh-ho! Well, I see. You have a clear case of Penn-transit-phobia.
Others 	Huh?
Rowlf 	That's a dread fear of traveling through the state of Pennsylvania. (laughs)
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Enough of these pitiful jokes, Dr. Bob. You've dedicated yourself to saving lives.
Rowlf 	You're right. I saved six lives this week.
George the Janitor	By operating?
Rowlf 	No, by not operating.
 	They all laugh except George.
Janice 	Dr. Bob, you've given this hospital a bad name.
Rowlf 	You're right. Fred is a terrible name for a hospital. (laughs) I'll have to give it a better name. How about Eunice?
George the Janitor	This is impossible. Do you have a license?
Rowlf 	Of course. Every dog has a license. The leash laws are really rough. (laughs)
George the Janitor	You dummy. I mean, do you have a license to practice?
Rowlf 	Yes, and I'm going to practice on you right now. Bongos.
Miss Piggy (RH) 	Bongos, Dr. Bob.
George the Janitor	Bongos?
 	Rowlf begins playing the bongos.
Announcer 	And so Dr. Bob is about to begin his bongo practice. Tune in next week, when we'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Miss Piggy (RH) 	(gasp) Dr. Bob, it's too late. You've lost him.
Rowlf 	Well, he couldn't have gone far. He was under the sheet just a second ago.
Others 	(groan)
==Talking Houses==
 	Zoom in on the two left houses.
 	
House 2	My uncle's into poetry. He loves Edgar Guest.
House 1	Why?
House 2	Why else? He's a Guest house.
 	Zoom out. Musical button.
==Blackout==
Hilda 	Ben, how are you enjoying the show?
Ben 	(laughs) Aw, Hilda … (kisses her hand) I'm getting such a big charge out of it.
Crazy Harry	You say you want a big charge?
 	
Both 	No!
 	Explosion. Ben winds up in the rafters again.
Crazy Harry	(laughs)
Ben 	You know, I'm getting a little tired of this.
==Wayne and Wanda==
 	Main stage. Sam stands on the proscenium.
Sam the Eagle	Once again it is my great pleasure to introduce Wayne and Wanda, and their stirring version of "I'll Know."
 	Open on a gazebo setting. Music swells up.
Wayne 	
I'll know, when my love comes along—
Ai-yi-yi-yi!
 	
 	He sees an attractive woman and follows her, ditching Wanda.
Wanda 	Wayne! (scowls)
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie is still trapped in the box.
Hilda 	At least, Fozzie, you will be glad to know that the show is dying without you.
Fozzie 	Oh, really?
Hilda 	Would I lie?
 	Gonzo and Scooter pass by.
Gonzo 	Did you hear them out there, Scooter? They love me. Me, The Great Gonzo.
Scooter	Boy, that's the greatest show we've ever done.
Hilda 	So … I lie.
Fozzie 	(moans)
Hilda 	Oh, it could be worse, Fozzie. This little door could be shut.
 	She taps it, and it shuts.
 	
Hilda 	Things are worse. See you, babushka. (walks away)
Fozzie 	Hilda! Hilda!
Kermit 	Fozzie?
Fozzie 	Hilda?
Kermit 	Fozzie, is that you?
Fozzie 	Who's that?
Kermit 	It's Kermit the Frog.
Fozzie 	Kermit!
Kermit 	Hey, listen, I've decided not to cut you from the show.
Fozzie 	Oh, thank you, Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, get him onstage, fellas!
Fozzie 	Wha?
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	Well, folks, here comes the act you've all been waiting for. The Muppet Show 's own great comedian— here he is now, feeling a little uh … "cagey" tonight — but nevertheless still the old master of mirth, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays. Two pigs drag the green box onstage.
 	
Fozzie	Thank you! Thank you! Hey, it's really great to be here. Huh. I spent the whole day at the doctor. I said, "Doc, it hurts when I do this." He says, "Don't do that." … Are you laughing? It's hard to hear. Ahem. Uh, then the doctor said, "Have you ever had this before?" I said, "Yes." He says, "Well, you got it again." Uh … Thank you, thank you. You've been a wonderful audience. Please get me off.
 	The pigs drag him away.
Kermit	Great, great, great! Let's all hear it for Fozzie Bear. Come on out and take a bow, Fozzie.
 	The pigs drag him back on for a curtain call. They tip him over for his "bow" and drag him away.
Fozzie	This is humiliating.
=="Pure Imagination"==
Kermit	Okay, okay. And now, folks, once again, Mr. Ben Vereen.
 	Open on a rooftop setting. Droop sits, looking blue.
Droop 	Oh, boy. This place is so dull. I hate it here. It's so dull. (sigh)
Ben 	Hi, Droop.
Droop 	Oh, hi, Ben.
Ben 	Hey, look, I can take you out of this place, y'know?
Droop 	No, thanks. I'm not allowed to cross the street.
Ben 	No, no, that's not what I mean.
Droop 	Hmm?
Ben 	Listen.
 	
 	He sings "Pure Imagination". One of the Small Bossmen does a dance in the sky, while a group of Muppaphone float in the air and sing. At the end of the song, they are joined by a variety of creatures, including one of the Bossmen, one of The Gawky Birds, Timmy Monster, and some of The Four Fazoobs.
Droop 	Gee, you sure have some imagination, Ben.
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, that about puts a lid on it for this week. We'd like to thank our special guest star, Mr. Ben Vereen!
 	Applause as he comes out.
Ben 	Hey, Kermit, you know — um — thank you. I've done a lot of shows in my time, uh, but this has been one of the, um, craziest.
Fozzie 	Hey, Kermit, Kermit, Ben, Ben!
Ben 	Yeah, what? What?
Fozzie 	Hey, I'm out! I'm out!
Kermit 	Fozzie, how'd you get out of the cage?
Fozzie 	Oh, Crazy Harry blew it up. It hurt a little bit, but, you know, I'm okay.
Kermit 	Well — well, Fozzie, I just thought the show was just dynamite.
Fozzie 	Yeah.
Crazy Harry	Did somebody say "dynamite"?
Others 	No!
 	Explosion.
 	
Kermit 	We'll see you all next week on The Muppet Show! … Would you cut that out?
 	The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll. Smoke rises from the balcony.
Statler 	Fantastic show.
Waldorf 	Brilliant show. By the way, your pants are on fire.
Statler 	Hm? (yelps)
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts