Crazy and Matchy's Not So Excellent Adventure

Crazy and Matchy's Not So Excellent Adventure is the third episode of the mini-series SBFW Crossing.
== Transcript==
(The episode opens with the exterior of Crazy's house. Cut to his bedroom. The camera pans through his shelves full of Star Wars, Nintendo and Hoopla merchandise before we end up with him in his bed asleep. Matchy is standing beside him trying to wake him up.)
Matchy: Uh, Crazy. (pause) Crazy?
Crazy: (sleep talking) Yes, Elli, I will marry you… (snores) dm me another one-
(Crazy's alarm goes off and he promptly wakes up)
Alarm: HOOPLA! HOOPLA!! HOOPLA!!!
Crazy: (throws a brick at his alarm and it breaks - he yawns) Morning alrea- (he notices Matchy and screams) WHAT HELL, MATCHY?!
Matchy: Were you dreaming about-
Crazy: No.
(pause)
Crazy: Anyway, why the hell were you watching me sleep?
Matchy: It's not what it looks like! Nook sent me to wake you up. He's waiting for you to start his stupid speech thing. You overslept.
Crazy: What time is it?
Matchy: Seven o' cl-
Crazy: (annoyed) 7AM? I didn't oversleep!
Matchy: (sighs) I know but Nook begs to differ. Let's just get this over with.
(cut to everyone in the plaza)
Tom: -and so I'd like to announce the grand opening of Hoopland's new shop: Nook's Cranny!
Purple: (rolls eyes) Oh great, a narcissist...
Tom: The fine store of convenience will be run by my two henchme- I mean, assistants, Timothy and Thomas!
Timmy: hi
Tom: I do hope you'll all join us for the opening ceremony in an hour!
(everyone collectively sighs)
Prim: Can we go home now? Some of us need to jack- do, um, humping jacks! (facepalm) Jumping jacks! (he awkwardly smiles)
Tom: Fine, if you're all that eager to leave then you may. But mark my words! (close up of his face as his voice deepens) You will regret it…
Jasbre: Yeah right. I'm off to find that money rock!
(Everyone walks off, except Crazy who stands there alone. He takes out his to-do-list which consists of "buy a new alarm clock (again)", "find the money rock", "plant a money tree", "sell foreign fruit" along with "visit justfap.com" and "start a war" from the last episode.)
Crazy: Today's gonna be an excellent day!
(He begins walking off when he bumps into a small orange boar)
???: Sorry!
Crazy: No, my ba- (pause) Say, I haven't seen you before! Did you just move in?
Daisy Mae: Nuh, allow me to introduce myself. My name's Daisy Mae. Do you know my gram-gram? I always ask because she's not in this game. Anyway, I'm here continuing the family business.
Crazy: Sorry, I'm not interested in double glazing.
Daisy Mae: Oh no, I sell turnips!
Crazy: Yeah, I'm not too fond of eating turn-
Daisy Mae: (laughs) Turnips are for sellin', not eatin', silly!
Crazy: Uh, about that, I'm actually quite busy, weird lady, so I'm just gonna go and I'll see you later. Bye! (he runs off)
Daisy Mae: But don't you wanna know about the stalk market?
Crazy: (randomly materialising back next to her) Did you say the "stock market"?
Daisy Mae: Uh, close enough.
Crazy: As in money?
Daisy Mae: Uh, yeah…
Crazy: (money bags appear in his eyes) I'm listening. Tell me more!
Daisy Mae: So basically you buy my turnips and then sell them at that li'l shop over there for a profit!
Crazy: So about these turnips, can you get rich from them or something?
Daisy Mae: Well, yeah! But the price fluctuates every-
Crazy: (holding out his wallet) SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!
(transition to all the islanders listening to Crazy talk to them on the beach)
Crazy: -so you buy them from the weird orange girl every Sunday for x amount, and sell them to the racoon kids for more money!
Granite: Cool!
Crazy: But the price fluctuates every day, and it's not guaranteed you'll get a profit!
SpongeBot: Whatever, I'm gonna be rich!
Crazy: And you have to sell them before Sunday next week when they go rotten!
Polar: Well, I've always been a business chick interested in stocks.
Lock: Since when?
Polar: Five minutes ago…
(the camera zooms into Tom Nook spying on them with binoculars from the plaza)
Tom: How come they always listen to his speeches?
Tommy: We don't know, sir.
Timmy: -sir.
Tom: I'm gonna have to take drastic measures if my plan's going to work! I'm gonna need to see the prophecy again…
Timmy: (worried) Not the prophecy!
Tommy: -cy!
Tom: Oh yes the prophecy! (evil laugh)
(cut to Matchy looking through lost property in the Resident Services tent. Tom Nook is in there with him. Blathers enters)
Blathers: Uh, Mr. Nook? Could I please have your assistance over in my tent?
Tom: Of course, Blathers! I'll be right back, Matchy.
(the two leave)
Matchy: Yeah, whatever. (she takes out a weird small spherical machine from the box) Huh? What the heck is this supposed to be?
(Crazy enters)
Crazy: Hi, Matchy. Where's Nook?
Matchy: Oh, he went out to help Blathers. You just missed him.
Crazy: o. Hey, what's that you've got there?
Matchy: Honestly, I don't know.
(the two walk outside)
Crazy: (pointing to the machine) Hey, what are those numbers there?
Matchy: (reading) "04/26/20 12:07". Huh, this looks like a date! (fiddling with the nobs and stuff) And you can change the numbers!
Crazy: (gasps) IT'S A TIME MACHINE!
Matchy: Don't be crazy, Aidan. (gasps) Hang on, I think you might be right!
Crazy: (yelling) LET'S TEST IT OU-
Matchy: (covering Crazy's mouth) Shh! (she looks around to see if anyone is watching and then takes her hand off Crazy's mouth) I think the coast is clear.
Crazy: I wanna see the dinosaurs! 
Matchy: Let's, uh, try sometime not too risky. How about yesterday?
Crazy: Excellent!
Matchy: (changes the date to "04/25/20") There!
(pause)
Crazy: Nothing's happened.
Matchy: Maybe we have to press this button here?
(Crazy reaches out and presses the button, initiating a mandatory trippy time travel scene)
Play with us before we melt (yeah)
E'rybody enjoy yourself (yeah)
The best part is the middle of me (yeah)
I'm your sponge baby go on and squeeze (yeah)
(the two arrive at the exact same spot the previous day)
Crazy: Well that was stupid! All it did was give us some trippy vision!
Matchy: (pointing to the beach) Hey, that's us! From yesterday! Or, uh, today!
(cut to the beach)
Crazy: Are you Jesus?
Travis: Uh, yes, actually.
Crazy: Cool!
Granite: What are you doing here?
Travis: I, uh- (he pinches himself) F**K YOU, CLAYTON!
(cut back to the plaza)
Crazy: Oh yeah! Let's go talk to them!
(he begins walking off but Matchy stops him)
Matchy: Crazy, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. We need to be careful or we might mess up the space time condom or whatever it's called!
Crazy: (sad) Yeah, I guess you're right. Let's go back to today. 
Matchy: You mean tomorrow?
Crazy: (facepalms, annoyed) This time travel stuff is making my head hurt! Let's just never speak of this again and just go back to selling turnips and-
(pause)
Matchy: Uh, Crazy? You okay?
Crazy: (grinning) Matchy, I've had the best idea ever…
Matchy: (grinning too) Yeah! We could buy loads of those turnips and time travel to find the optimum time to sell them! We'll be rich!
Crazy: Actually I was thinking of going back in time and putting a condom on Donald Trump's dad, but I mean that works too.
Matchy: Think of how much money we could make in even just an hour though!
Crazy: Weren't you the one that said literally a minute ago that we shouldn't screw around with the space time-
Matchy: F**k that! Come on, Aidan!
(cut to Crazy in some kind of mansion singing to a portrait of himself with an obviously autotuned voice)
Crazy: ♪Tonight, I just want to take you higher
Throw your hands up in the sky
Let's set this party off right♪
(Matchy approaches him from behind)
Matchy: Players
(Crazy puts the picture back on its shelf)
Both: ♪put yo' pinky rings up to the moon!♪
(they exit the mansion and walk down the steps wearing designer clothes and jewelry)
Crazy: Girls
Both: ♪What y'all trying to do?♪
(they walk out the mansion gates as SpongeBot, Jasbre and Purple look on in confusion)
Both: ♪Twenty-four turnip magic in the aaaaaiiiiirrrrr!♪
(they give Daisy Mae a bag of bells and she hands them a sack if turnips)
Matchy: ♪Head-to-toe so player♪
Crazy: ♪Look out, uh♪
(cut to them slamming the door of Nook's Cranny wide open and entering with the sack)
Matchy: ♪Pop pop, it's show time♪
Crazy: Show time 
Matchy: Show time 
Crazy: Why is there an echo in here?
Matchy: ♪Guess who's back again!♪
Crazy: ♪Oh they don't know?♪
Matchy: ♪Go on tell 'em♪
Crazy: ♪Oh they don't know?♪
Matchy: ♪Go on tell 'em♪
Crazy: ♪I bet they know as soon as we walk in♪
Tommy: Shut up!
Crazy: (showing off his necklace) ♪Wearing Cuban links♪
Matchy: ♪Designer minks♪
Crazy: ♪Inglewood's finest shoes♪
Matchy: whoop whoop
Crazy: (aggressively stroking Timmy's head) ♪Don't look too hard might hurt ya'self♪
Both: ♪Known to give the colour red the blues!♪
(cut to them exiting the shop with bags of money, Polar is waiting for them)
Matchy: ♪Shit!♪
(the music suddenly stops)
Polar: Alright, what's going on?
Crazy: Damn it, Polar! You're ruining the moment!
Matchy: Yeah! And I don't even like that song!
Polar: Come on, you might as well spill the tea...
Matchy: What tea?
Polar: Seriously, guys?! You both somehow live in a mansion now and you're always walking around with bags and bags of cash! 
Crazy: I guess we're just really good at the stalk market.
Polar: You bought ten thousand turnips the other day…
Matchy: Well, uh, you're just jealous!
Crazy: Yeah! We still don't even know what gender you are!
Polar: Seriously, everyone knows something is up. There are rumours spreading about!
Matchy: I'm glad our lives are more interesting than everyone else's. 
Polar: (folds arms) Well, if you don't wanna tell me, that's fine with me.
(she walks off and Crazy and Matchy looks at each other)
Matchy: Alright, fine! If you're that desperate we'll tell you if you keep it secret!
(she comes back)
Polar: I'm listening.
(cut to them all in the mansion)
Polar: You really expect me to believe that you're time travelling?!
Crazy: It's true, I swear!
Matchy: (holding the machine) See, here it is!
Polar: So you mean you just found it in lost and found?
Matchy: Yeah. We just have no clue as to how it got there. It's a mystery.
Crazy: Like your gender, Polar.
Polar: Okay, but you're really not pulling my leg, let's try this out then.
Crazy: I suppose it's only fair. Where are we going now?
Matchy: You mean "when", Matchy.
Crazy: (sighs) You know what I mean.
Matchy: We haven't tried May the 4th yet, Star Wars Day!
Polar: kk
(Matchy changes the date)
Matchy: Right, so we all have to be touching the machine at the same time.
(they all touch the machine)
Matchy: Ready?
Crazy: Ready?
(Tom Nook walks in)
Tom: (furious) What the hell do you think you're-
(the three disappear and Timmy and Tommy enter)
Tommy: What's the matter, boss?
Tom: They have the machine.
Timmy: You mean the "retardis"?
Tom: (sighs) Yes. I still think we should have chosen a better name. But this is serious! If they manipulate time too much they could f**k up my plans! It's a good thing we have a backup machine.
(pause)
Tom: What's with the awkward silence? We do have a backup machine, right? (pause) Please tell me we have a backup machine…
Tommy: Sorry boss, but-
Tom: (sighs) When I first found you in that dump all those years ago, I expected great things of you both. But since then, you've done NOTHING but DISAPPOINT ME!
Timmy & Tommy: Yes master, sorry master!
Tom: I don't know what I'm gonna do. Just get back to the tent and forge another cheque to that orphanage or something while I figure this out…
(cut to the three re-appearing in the same spot at a later date)
Crazy: Woah. How comes Nook just barged in like that?
Polar: I don't know, but I can't believe that actually worked! We just time travelled!
Matchy: (playfully) First time?
Crazy: Why don't we roll down to Nook's Cranny and show the noob here how it's done, eh?
Matchy: Another verse?
Crazy: Another verse.
(cut to the interior of Nook's Cranny)
Timmy: OK, so this time we've got to get the machine back from them!
Tommy: But how? Their dance moves are super effective!
(the three slam the door wide open and music begins playing)
Timmy: Oh God…
Crazy: ♪I'm a dangerous man with some money in my pocket♪
Polar: ♪Keep up!♪
Matchy: ♪So many pretty girls around me and they waking up the rocket!♪
(the music abruptly stops)
Polar: (blushing) Oh, Matchy, I didn't know you felt that way…
Matchy: (embarrassed) Uh, that's not-
(the music suddenly resumes)
Polar: ♪Why you mad, fix ya face, ain't my fault you be jacking!♪
Crazy: ♪Keep up!♪
Matchy: ♪Players only, come on♪
All: ♪Put your pinky rings up to the-♪
(they exit with bags of cash and the music stops again)
Matchy: This whole song thing is pretty lame actually.
Crazy: Yeah, let's go somewhere else.
Matchy: (correcting him) "Somewhen".
Crazy: (annoyed) That's not even a word!
Matchy: (looks up the word on his phone) Actually it is. (he shows Crazy his phone) See? Somewhen.
Polar: So when are we going now?
Matchy: We still have a few stacks of turnips left. How about we try next week? 
Crazy: Sounds good.
(Matchy changes the date to May 11 and they all touch the machine. Timmy and Tommy exit the shop.)
Tommy: Alright, I've-
(the three disappear)
Timmy: (angry) For f**k's sake! We've lost them again!
Tommy: The boss is gonna kill us... 
(Cut to the three appearing in the same spot, only a week later. The island is in ruins. All the buildings are burnt down and there isn't a sign of wildlife anyway.)
Crazy: Uh, where are we? Is this still Hoopland?
Matchy: Must be. Everytime so far we've warped to the exact same spot.
Polar: This is freaky.
(they turn around)
Crazy: Where's the shop gone?
Matchy: Maybe they moved it?
Polar: No, it looks like it's been burnt down.
(they walk around the now-actually deserted island)
Matchy: (calling out) Hello? Anyone there?
Crazy: Are we all dead? 
Polar: I don't recognise half of the buildings here.
Crazy: Yeah, in the future, Polar, loads more facilities are built. The museum's actually done, there's this clothes shop run by Sanic the Hedgehog and there's even a campsite for some reason. Oh, and the Resident Services tent gets upgraded to an actual building!
Polar: Cool. I just wish everything was, well, not in ruins.
Matchy: Crazy, I said we shouldn't have messed with time!
Crazy: Don't you act all innocent, this was your idea! I merely wanted to introduce Fred Trump to the wonderful world of contraceptives and call it a day! But no! YOU insisted we exploit the stalk market and become billionaires!
Matchy: Are you saying that's a bad thing?
Crazy: No, but I now have to live the rest of my life knowing that disaster's going to hit this island in only a few weeks! For all we know, our selfish needs could have caused this to happen!
Matchy: I'm sure that's not what happens...
Polar: Let's just go back to today…
(a mysterious figure wearing armour reminiscent of the Doomguy's approaches them)
???: I've been looking everywhere for you three…
Polar: Uh… hi?
???: You three are the reason Zemlya Nadezhdy is no longer the glorious place it once was!
Crazy: Zemlya what now?
???: I'm afraid we can no longer call you comrades… Hand over the "retardis" and no one gets hurt.
Matchy: (smirks) The what?
???: (sighs) The time machine. Your fun is over.
Polar: (pokes Crazy and Matchy) Uh, guys… (she points up to the only thing on the island that hasn't been destroyed: a flag of the Soviet Union)
Crazy: Well this has turned into something worthy of fanfiction.net…
(The unknown person takes off her mask revealing herself to be a yellow Shih Tzu. She takes a gun out.)
???: I'm sorry about this, but it's for the greater good.
(they all quickly touch the machine)
Polar: MATCHY DO SOMETHING!.
(The dog pulls the trigger but the three disappear just in time. She falls to her knees and cries.)
???: I'm sorry…
(The three materialise back in the present day.)
Matchy: I don't know about you guys, but I'm calling it a night.
Crazy: Me too.
Polar: I'm gonna destroy the damn thing!
(Tom Nook appears behind them)
Tom: No need, friends. (he snatches it from Matchy) I'll take care of this.
(the three scream and Crazy snatches it back)
Crazy: I'm not letting your dirty claws anywhere near this thing.
(Tom snatches it back)
Tom: Oh yes you are. (pause) You all look… disturbed. What have you seen?
Polar: Uh, nothing!
Tom: WHAT. HAVE. YOU. SEEN?
(Crazy tries to snatch it back and the two fight over it)
Tom: Let go!
Crazy: Never!
(Tom drops the machine and it smashes on the floor.)
Matchy: Whoopsy…
(pause)
Tom: You've messed with the wrong Nook…
(fin)
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