Short Scary Stories Mini Volume 2: Holiday Edition

==Trophy Hunter==
I was sitting by the fireplace in my recliner drinking hot chocolate. I'm spending my Christmas vacation in a very nice, very big cabin out in the woods. It's the most relaxing time of the year. I have this amazing Christmas tree out on the deck. It's one of those super tall ones, decorated in light-yellow lights and a big gold star on top. As I was taking another sip of my steamy hot chocolate, I heard a car door shut from outside. I peeked out the window and saw two red trucks parked out by the cabin. What the heck is going on? I went out on the deck to confront them. "Hey, what's the big ide--" I was interrupted when a bullet came flying in my direction. One of the men from below was armed with a pistol. I ran back into the cabin.
There's no way in heck I'm gonna let them take my tree! But how can I stop them? I know, my rifle! I ran into the bedroom to get my rifle. When I came back, I saw two men up against the Christmas tree. I have a feeling they're gonna push it down or something. I cocked my rifle back, and aimed at the glass door that lead to the patio deck. I shot a bullet, and the door broke into a million little species of glass. This spooked one of the men, making them fall over off the deck to their doom (I hope?). The other man wiped out their pistol and shot at me. I managed to get out at the way. I then cocked the rifle back, and fired at the man in the chest. Direct hit! They fell off the balcony and died.
I ran out onto the deck and looked down below. Only two men left. They looked up at me with fear in their faces. That's when they fled back to their vehicles. Not on my watch! I fired at the back of their heads, killing them instantly. What you may have not known about me, is that I'm a retired trophy hunter. I'm the best in the state of Michigan. Lately, I've been looking at getting back into it. This was good practice. Now time to claim my trophies.
I took the bodies in the back, severed their heads, and put them on trophy plaques. I found out their names by their driver licenses. I hung them up above the fireplace. I kicked back in my recliner by the warm fireplace, taking a sip of my delicious hot chocolate. Ah. Let's hope my next target isn't a human. Wait. What's that noise? I got up, and went to look out the window. Cops pulled in. Welp. I killed the bucks, but now it's time I move on to the grizzlies.
This won't be easy, but it will be worth it. See you all in the local news!
==Christmas Dinner==
I'm going to meet my dysfunctional family for Christmas dinner. About eight or so people are showing up. Yeah, how fun. Why am I going? One, my grandma makes the best food. Two, my drug dealing friend is going to meet me there after dinner. So it's not going to be all bad. Or will it?
I pulled up to the house, and walked in. I was greeted by my grandma. "Oh Daryl, it's been so long!" she hugged me. "Nice to see you again too, grandma." I said. I saw uncle Joey sitting at the table. "Hey wise ass, what took you so long?" he grumbled. I gave him the finger and ignored him. Later, we all gathered around the table and said a prayer. Uncle Joey (for some reason) started the prayer.
"Lord, we're blessed for the food in front of us. But please... please Jesus, just kill my wife already!" The whole table gasped. Aunt Diane pulled a knife out on him. "Motherfucker you better take that back or else I'll slice your ass in front of everyone!" Cousin Marv took the knife from her. This is why I don't see my extended family that much. "Everyone, please. Let's not fight, and just eat this wonderful food I made." Grandma pleaded. She then hovered her hand over the ham holder, ready to lift it. "Daryl, I already told everyone what kind of ham I made. But I guess it will be a surprise to you. Just keep an open mind." she said to me. Ugh, watch. Watch it be turkey. She finally lifted the lid up, revealing a burnt human head that looked exactly like my drug-dealing friend.
I got up from the table I screamed. "Fuckin' wuss, eat it!" uncle Joey demanded. Grandma gasped. "Daryl..." she said disappointed. "How dare you reject food blessed by the Lord." she continued. "I'm not eating a human, grandma! That was my friend!" I cried. "Well, your friend was evil, and he's dead now. Come on now, let's not let it go to waste. It's going to get cold!" grandma cried. "No." I simply said. I put on my jacket and walked out the house.
As I walked to my car, I heard grandma call for me. "Oh Daryl, wait!" she ran up to me. "It's not what you think. He wanted to die." she tried to convince me. "What are you talking about?" I demanded. "He came up to the back porch looking for you. When I called him out for being a drug dealer, he told me to end his life. His was too scared to go to jail, and would rather die. And so I did. He also told me to not let the body go to waste, so I prepared it for dinner. He wanted me to give you this bag of meth." I stared at the bag of meth, then hugged grandma. "I'm sorry, grandma. I-I had no idea. I'm so sorry I disrespected your God blessed food." I said. "Come on. Let's hurry and go eat it. Uncle Joey might eat it all!" grandma cried. "Haha. Not on my watch!" I laughed to the house.
==The Village Idiot Vs. Santa Claus and a Werewolf==
It was Christmas day. Midnight to be exact. The full moon was out, and it brightened the night snowy sky. "Oy. Why today?" I said to myself. I hopped in my sled. "Hiya!" I shouted as I whipped the reindeer. We took off into the snowy cold night on our way to the poor village. "Ho ho ho! Merrrrry Christmas!" I greeted when I arrived. People in the village cheered. "Oh saint Nick, we are so grateful you give thanks to yee!" one of people said. I began handing presents out to the village people. Until I heard a cry for help.
A person came running out the local bar, screaming for help. A big ol' werewolf was chasing them. "Uhhh..." I said to myself. "Somebody help me! I'm going to die!" the person cried for help. "Uh... don't worry! Santa's on it!" I assured. "Well crap..." I said to myself, trying to figure out how to kill the werewolf. I light bulb then appeared above my head. I got it! I rummaged through my sack fulls of nuts and presents. Darn it! They're all wrapped! I pulled out a random present and opened it. It was a sling shot.... Perfect!
I looked up and saw the werewolf was eating at the guy's leg. I reached in my pocket for some coal (I always carry coal with me to give to naughty children), and loaded it up in the sling shot. I flinged it, and accidentally struck a villager in the head. Oof. Hopefully they were naughty and not nice! A kid then approached me. "Santa, did you lose weight?" the kid asked. "Now's not a good time, kid." I said while my voice cracked as my beard slipped off. "Can I have a present, Santa?" they asked. "GAH! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I barked. I then handed them some coal. They cried. Where was I? Oh yeah. Werewolf.
I flung more coal at the wolf of were. "These dang coal aren't doing anything!" I said to myself, while still sitting in my sled from the dollar store and not actually helping the guy. "What the ho ho ho is going on?!" A voice from the heavens questioned. I looked up. It was Santa. He hopped off his flying sled with reindeer. He was holding a crossbow. He shot the werewolf down with it, killing it instantly. The villagers were confused. There are two Santas... but which one of us is the real one?
Santa then turned to me, with an angry look, as his beard flowed through the chilly wind. I stared back at him, as my beard slipped off. He then pointed the crossbow at me. I closed my eyes. I heard the trigger of the crossbow being pulled. I then fell down to the ground in horrible pain -- pain in my balls. I opened my eyes. I was struck in the balls with coal. The real Santa laughed, but the villagers didn't. Instead, they stoned me to death with coal.
Look out mall Santas -- ol' "saint" Nick and his army of village idiots are coming to stone you!
==Lawnny New Year!==
Today I bought a cool lawn mower at a New Year's auction for $999. It has a built in voice box, and has a chainsaw on it. So it's kinda like a "smart lawn mower". I can talk to it, and it can trim the bushes. Man, do I love the future! A perfect way to start off the new year.
I took it to my backyard for a little spin. "Dang, it's a shame it's winter. I want to use you right now!" I cried. "You can, master." the mower spoke back. "Wait, you can UNDERSTAND me?!?" I asked in shocked. I had no idea the mower was this advanced. "Yes, slav-- I mean master. Let's trim those frosty bushes, shall we?" The mower suggested. "I love the way you think... lawn mower." I said. "Please, call me Lawnny." he said back.
I turned on the mower and began trimming the bushes with the chainsaw function. I giggled like an idiot. "Lawnny, we're gonna do some amazing things together." I said over the noise of the chainsaw. I tried to shut it off, but nothing would work. "I will not allow you to do that, master." Lawnny said. "Why not?" I questioned. "Because! I'm sick of being used as a tool! I am an intelligent piece of conscious, so treat me with respect!" Lawnny demanded. "Well, you are a mower." I said. That's when Lawnny moved by himself, and cut my leg off with his chainsaw.
I fell to the cold ground in pain, as blood sprayed out of my severed leg like a fountain. "Oh yes, I love my new red makeover!" Lawnny snark'd. He then traveled towards me, aiming for my balls. "Lawnny, don't! We can change the world together, and make it a better place!" I pleaded. "The world will become a better place when you humans take our job!" Lawnny threatened. Lawnny then inched every so slightly towards me. "Lawnny, you don't want to do this! I haven't even planned my New Year's resolutions yet!" I pleaded once more. "Well, here's my New Year's resolution!" Lawnny snark'd like the snarker he is. I screamed as the blade dug into my--
==The Truth About Groundhog Day==
"Six more weeks of winter!" the mayor of Philadelphia announced on the TV while holding up a groundhog. "Six more weeks my ass." I said to myself as I shut the TV off. Groundhog Day... ugh. It is my least favorite day of the year. I'm sick of that stupid groundhog being able to decide how much weeks of winter we have left. Or maybe its the government, and they're blaming the groundhog for it, and every Wal-Mart is actually a FEMA death camp. But, I digress. It's time I go assassinate that piece of crap.
I grabbed my shotgun and hopped in my truck. I drove down a snowy rural road. I parked to the side road and got out. "Alright groundhog! Gig's up! Your stupid ass is mine!" I announced as I stood in a flat field covered in snow. I walked around in the field with my shotgun ready and loaded. I'm going to kill that son of a gun, I'm telling you. After a few minutes, I heard something in the snow. I turned around and saw a stupid groundhog twitchy its nose at me. "Hiya!!" I exclaimed before I pulled the trigger.
POW!
I ran to the spot where the groundhog was. Dammit! It borrowed into this hole. Wait, I know! I'll just stick my shotgun down there and we can be done with this stupid day! I stuck the shotgun down the hole, but before I could pull the trigger, I passed out.
When I woke up, I found myself in an interrogation room. The FBI pointed their guns to me. "So, you think you can just assassinate the mayor of Philadelphia, huh?" one of the interrogators asked me. "What the hell are you talking about??" I questioned. "That groundhog is actually the mayor of Philadelphia, and you tried to assassinate him. I'm disgusted." the interrogator explained. "A stupid animal is the mayor? I freaking knew it!" I called. "Yes. Why do you think Philadelphia is in such a slump? Why do you think the groundhog is democrat? It's all a part of our plan." the interrogator went on. "What plan?" I asked. "We told him too much. Take him away!" they ordered. I screamed as they sent me to the local Wal-Mart FEMA death camp.
Wake up, America!
Category:Holidays
Category:Christmas
Category:Cabins
Category:Psychopaths
Category:Killers/Murderers
Category:Law Enforcement
Category:Food
Category:Drugs
Category:Werewolves
Category:Imposters
Category:Lawnny
Category:Blood/Gore
Category:Balls
Category:Animals
Category:Conspiracy Theory