Keglerton! For Kids

This is an updated version of the original Keglerton! For Kids, which was becoming outdated. The content written here is purely satirical and not intended to be well-written.
== Chapter 1 ==
"Children, welcome to Kindergarten! I'm John Egbert, and I'll be your instructor this year. Why don't we begin by getting to know one another better? Let's begin with you, strange green-haired youngster."
"That's me! Deku! And I shall exterminate the dark forces with poop!" said the student.
"Perhaps not with feces, but what is your actual name?"
"Izuku! Nobody can beat me! Poop-Lord, not even you!"
"That's... interesting! Poop-Lord, eh..." Egbert murmurs to himself. He then points to a student sitting next to him. "Now, why are you holding that fan, you, the one?"
"Oh, my?" says the kid with the fan. "The fans are appealing to me. Fans are fantastic."
"Can you tell me your name?"
"Fan."
Egbert, who was starting to become scared out, responds with silence. "Oh dear. Your name is.... Fan?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Umm. So, how about you, young man?" he points to another student in the classrom. "Uh... just skip the introduction and introduce yourself."
"Hello, my name is Mario! Drumpf irritates me."
"Oh, it's one of those strange kids."
"What exactly did you just say about me? Fake news master! Sad!"
"Oh, totally nothing! Don't be concerned. Let's go do something else for the time being. Please. We'll organize an election to select this class's representative. Who wants to run for office?"
"Me! Me!" cries Mario.
"Okay, liberal- I mean, Mario, is running for office. Is there anyone else?"
Buzz!
"Did I hear something?"
Buzz!
At this point, Egbert takes a closer look at the classrom and discovers, to his surprise, that one of the children has a tuba lodged in their head. "Oh, just let me get this out of your head-"
"This is Tuba, Mr. Egbert. He's a tuba, and he only communicates with us by generating noises."
"Oh. I guess he wants to be a candidate then. Is there anyone else?"
Silence.
"No? Thank God. Okay, I'll hand you these ballots, and I'll count them after you've finished filling them out. Lucas, please assist Tuba with his vote. Blue, kindly help me in setting up the tables here. And for anybody else, take the pencils upstairs to Mr. Blah. He's terrified about you all producing further mishaps."
Approximately 10 minutes later...
"Okay, and we now have... 10 votes for Tuba and 9 votes for Mario, thus Tuba is the new class representative."
"No!" exclaims Mario. "I want a recount!"
"We've counted the votes at least fourteen times already, Mario." said an annoyed Egbert. " You lost, bigly," he added.
"Fake news!
"Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no.  We don't need a recount like in Florida. Fine,  you may serve as the representative."
":trollface:"
Egbert then asks himself, "God, why did I choose this job?"
Meanwhile, in the fourth-grade class...
"That is why Charlotte is a gold digger who only married Henry to seduce him and grab his money. Any questions, chile?"
"Ms. Ball?" One of the students in the class raises his hand. "What is the connection between this and multiplication and division?"
"Well, Charlotte quadrupled her money by taking it from a charitable organization, didn't she, Bob?"
"Right."
"Then she became Governor, and the state went bankrupt, correct?"
"I suppose?"
"Chile, that's how multiplication and division work. I'd want you and the others to work on some of these projects and return them to me tomorrow."
Soon later, the bell sounds, and all of the children leave. Ms. Ball looks up to the roof of her classroom, relieved, and thinks for a while. "At long last, these failicias are gone, chile."
"I know how it feels, Leshawna," says Egbert, who had just arrived. Egbert ignores the fact Leshawna Ball is, well, shaped like a ball. "I am also not a fan of Chile."
== Chapter 2 ==
"....this is why I believe Happily Divorced is the greatest sitcom in modern history." Questions?"
"Umm... Ms. Ball?" Bob inquires. "Aren't we meant to go on from yesterday's multiplication lesson?"
"Yeah!" exclaim the other kids.
"Hey! Happily Divorced was one of the finest sitcoms of all time, and it helped us discover unique ideas like gay marriage."
"But aren't gay marriages an old thing?" Garfield responds.
"Probably," Leshawna responds calmly, "but I've been trapped in the 20th century for a long time now, so I must be out of date.  "Anyway, moving on, I'm going to post some of these questions on the board and I'd like you to answer them for me." To begin, Collin, what is 1 times 4...?
"Uh.... three?"
"No, Collin, it's 4, and you're a fool. Hype, what is one plus three?"
"DEATH. DESTRUCTION. DOWN WITH THE EVIL FORCES THAT HAVE CONTROLLED THIS COUNTRY FOR SO LONG." he yells, frightening alla total of 0 students in the room.
Leshawna responds after a little pause.
"It's three, Hype.  Wow, I'm curious where you all are learning all of this! Who knows what 1 times is?"
"It's seven!"
"Excellent work, Bob! You've earned a gold star." Leshawna then goes to a little board adjacent to the chalkboard and awards Bob his fifth star. The only others with any stars are SM, Garfield, MH, Keranique, Akio, and MC, who each have one. Hype, in particular, has a total of twenty-eight red stars.
"OK, can someone explain me what 1 + 9 equals?"
Bob extends his hand.
"Someone other than Bob?"
Then Hype lifts his hand.
"Yes, chile?"
"THE LIBERAL MEDIA CONTINUES TO DEVASTATE THIS COUNTRY WITH FAKE NEWS AND DEMOCRAT-SUPPORTED POLITICS. I'M GOING TO RAISE HELL ON ALL OF THEM AND-"
"Normally, I would label that comment of yours ghetto and ratchet, but because the school board forbids me from saying so, I'll just have to ask you to leave this class."
"FINE."
He storms out without saying anything.
"Good riddance," mutters Leshawna. "I mean, what was I doing?"
*boom*
"Wow, what an explosion! It originated from Mr. Egbert's class, I believe. Please wait a moment, children; I need to double-check that."
Leshawna exits the classroom and takes a little stroll down the corridor before entering Mr. Egbert's kindergarten classroom. To her amazement, she discovers that the ceiling of the classroom has fallen, and a wailing youngster sits in the midst of the room, while Egbert, plainly terrified, looks on.
"What in the world happened here?"
"Leshawna I'm not sure how to s-s-say it, but..."
"Spit it out!"
"...Gied panted his pee."
"Ah! Quit joking,  he's fine-"
Leshawna then looks at Gied and discovers that, for reasons unknown to current science, he actually panted his pee.  To be honest, it appeared like Gied's pants were made of urine and that he panted instead of peeing. As a result, he panted his pee.
"Is this some kind of extraterrestrial nonsense? In Milwaukee, we didn't have any of it."
"I panted my pee! I wanna poo my panted!"
"Gied, you're completely illogical. Go clean yourself up, and please, for the love of God, get a respectable pair of pants. This one should go in the trash."
He then goes to the restroom as Egbert converses with Leshawna.
"So, I suppose we'll use another classroom from now on."
"What exactly do you mean?"
"I met with Principal Spoon earlier, and she agreed to let me teach the students in your class! We'll be teaching both of them at the same time! Oh, how I wished I could talk to fourth graders..."
"Chile........." Leshawna had been traumatized. It was her greatest nightmare: dealing with the kindergarteners rather than Egbert.
"CHILEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
== Chapter 3 ==
"Ok children, uh, due to a few complications yesterday the kindergarteners are joining the fourth graders for the time being. What a pleasant surprise" announces Leshawna.
The fourth graders and kindergarteners both groan.
"And with them, we'll also have the kindergarten teacher, Mr. Egbert, helping us."
"Hey everyone! I'm Mr. Egbert, and I'm excited to be your teacher alongside Ms. Ball here!"
"It's Leshawna, chile."
"Yes yes, Leshawna. Today we'll be talking about a topic that should be good enough for both groups to discuss!"
"And what is this chile topic we'll be talking about today, John?"
"The 1999 Seattle WTO protests!"
Out of all topics Egbert could bring up to a classroom of fourth graders and kindergarteners, he brought up that. On the other hand, Leshawna loved talking about protests.
"That's right, chile. I want y'all to make a report on the consequences of those protests and present it to the class tomorrow."
Mario then raises his hand.
"Yes, Mario?"
"This is totally [redacted]."
"Mario, what the hell? Stop saying inadequate in this classroom! We have students that are offended by it. Right?"
To her surprise, no one stands up.
"Ah. Well. Are any of them still here?"
"I don't think any of them are here, Leshawna." replies Egbert.
"Ah. Now we can all be- cough compassionate conservatives again. You all get the point, though. I'll split you into four groups of four."
"Group 1 will be: Mario and Just Mario."
Mario smiles.
"Group 2 will be: SM, MH, Garfield, and Bob."
"But SM is too busy cooking!" complains MH.
"Then tell him to stop being a hag and get working."
"Group 3 will be: Hype, Doug, Dwight, and SDT."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This group is too ghetto and ratchet! I'll stab them all in the leg!" screams Hype.
"Shut up, Hype."
"Group 4 will be: everyone else. Yeah, everyone else. Suffer, chileans."
"Aww, I wanted to be in a group that doesn't have my annoying sister!" says a small boy named FCX.
"I mean, it's not like anything can go wrong, can it?" says Egbert.
At this moment, Leshawna quietly whispers something in Egbert's ear, who only replies with "Oh yeah that makes sense."
"But that's all for today! Get this report ready and for the love of Peri don't screw it up, okay? But I'm sure you all won't do that because you're younger than 10, and this means you all are fully capable of delivering a 10-page report on your works. So uh, goodbye!"
As the kids leave the classroom, Egbert asks Leshawna a question. "Leshawna, what is this 'bee nest' you talk so much about?"
"Uh... the bees. Yeah, the bees. I'm scared of bees. Bad bees. Chile."
== Chapter 4 ==
"Alrighty everyone, today we're going to listen to the reports y'all made yesterday. I hope you all did a good job at them and did not just be lazy," says Leshawna.
"Group 1, you can start."
Mario walks up to the front of the classroom and begins to talk to the classroom.
"Thank you, Ms. Ball. Ahem- The workers of this country need more respect. Democrats and Republicans alike betrayed this country with free-trade agreements like NAFTA which caused disarray in our industries. And how can we fix that? With anarcho-communism. It's a stateless, moneyless society-"
"Thank you, Mario, very cool. You get an A."
"YES! PRAISE THE WORKERS OF THIS COMMUNIST SOCIETY!"
"Yeah, whatever."
She looks at Egbert, confused at what happened. "Is he a communist now?"
"I have no idea", he replied. "Anyway, Group 2, it's your turn now."
The four members of Group 2 - SM, Bob, Garfield, and MH - walk up to the front of the classroom and begin to discuss the report, which was too boring even for the narrator here. After 10 minutes, Leshawna and Egbert decide to just cut their report short and give all four As.
"Uh... who am I? Why am I here?" asks a confused Egbert.
"I wish I knew... Group 3, you go next."
While both Leshawna and Egbert were slightly dazed from the incredibly detailed (and boring) presentation by Group 2, they were still reasonably sane - and were surprised when they found out Group 3 was actually having a satanic ritual.
"Hail Satan!" says Hype as he draws a pentagram on the floor.
Horrified, Egbert puts a stop to it by slapping Hype around with a large fishbot.
"NOOO! NOT THE FISHBOT!"
"Chile, boys, chile. Not cool. I did like the effort, though, so you all get a C."
"Now, Group 4, please step forward-"
Before Leshawna could finish her sentence, she hears a knock on the classroom door. She comes up from her seat and as she opens the door, she is faced with the school principal, Director Hasselhoff.
"Oh, hello there, Mr. Hasselhoff. Do you need anything?"
"Leshawna, uh, I'm afraid we have bad news."
"What is it?"
"You know that student in your classroom, the one dressed up as a furry?"
Both then look at one of the fourth graders in the other side of the classroom.
"I think that's actually a macaw."
"It's a furry."
"Oh, that's Kiko, I know them. I don't know what the hell a ‘kiko' is though. "
"So uh, we received a call from the police station and..."
Leshawna quietly listens to Hasselhoff. "Really? Oh wow. That's horrible."
"I wouldn't say that, because..."
Hasselhoff again whispers something in Leshawna's ear. "...end quote."
"Chile....?"
"Yeah. Chile. And we're here to lock them up. Get them boys!"
The classroom is soon swarmed by armed police officers, who immediately take Kiko away.
"Finally, Kiko is gone. Cheers!" silently whispers a boy named SDT to another boy named HH. This goes unnoticed by Leshawna and Egbert.
After they were taken away, Egbert asks Leshawna what happened.
"What happened?"
"Oh, nothing much, other than..."
Leshawna quietly informs Egbert of the situations, whispering in his ear.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! This is the first time I see something like that happening in my classroom!"
"That's ok, I've seen it happen five times. You get used to it."
== Chapter 5 ==
"Once again, we're back children. I know you all were deeply affected by the events that unfolded yesterday with Kiko, but we must move on to happier things." says Leshawna.
The classroom does not react, mostly because they had no idea what happened.
"This is very tough for all of us, and that's why all of you aren't reacting. Right?"
No reaction from the classroom, as she expected.
"Wow, you all are really ghetto and ratchet. Unfortunately for you all, we have an important announcement to make."
"Is Kiko gone?" asked Alex, a friend of them.
"Of course not. Dumb chilean." replies Leshawna with a confused look on her face.
"Oh." they reply.
"We are going on vacation! Yes!"
Leshawna's comments shocked an entire nation. Ok, not quite - they only shocked Jnlt.
"Ms. Ball and Mr. Egbert, it's very irresponsible of you two to just go on vacation after 4 days of teaching us!" he criticized the announcement.
"Shut up, background decoration who is only here to fill his quota- ahem, Jnlt, sweetie, we just have to go on vacation."
"Yeah... I always wanted to visit Florida. Buy a yacht. Embezzle money... I mean hi!" says Egbert, smart as always.
"And that's why we're picking someone to take care of this classroom for the next three weeks. Say hello to your new teacher..."
"Defaultian!"
Now, this was a startling moment for the other users, especially Default's friends.
"Hey! Default will be an epic teacher. Remember when he was a counselor over at Camp HHW?" whispers his friend, Brick, to his other friend, Aurial.
"Default was extremely lazy and almost never showed up to work, stupid."
"Default isn't a bad teacher, you know, he was class president of his previous school over in El Paso."
"Didn't his previous class turn into some sort of Sarah Manley worshipping club?" asks Gied, genuinely concerned.
"Well, yes. That's cool."
"Haha, Default sucks" comments Chap, smirking.
Default then shows up and starts criticizing Chap. "Tropical Storm Chapsteck, you're a massive loser."
"Oh shut up, you're from Utah."
"I'M NOT FROM UTAH! I'm from New Mexico, it's different."
"Hey, that's not cool!" Egbert said, attempting to stop the drama.
"Take that, Def!"
"No, I mean, he is right Chap. You are a massive loser, the biggest of them all."
"Oh."
"But yeah, take good care of this classroom Default. We'll be back someday! Goodbye, and don't call us."
And with it, Egbert and Leshawna leave the classroom heading to the great city of Miami. Default, as acting teacher, took good care of the classroom by turning the existing students into slaves, who sold their souls on the internet in exchange for money, which Default used to play more and more games of Microsoft Flight Simulator.
But will things stay like this for long? You shall find out in Act 2 of Keglerton! For Kids.