Fake Peppino

Fake Peppino (né Bruno Lasagna) is a Wega's twice removed grand cousin, and is best known for licking tiled floors. He also makes an appearance in the shame Pizza Tower as the impossible to beat boss. Before he became an impasta he was actually studying to become a doctor, but then a dumb rat made his intelligence expeditiously decrease until he became stupid. He was born in the Desert of Melting Clocks which explains his incredible abilities. The strangest thing about him is that coffee makes him feel tired. James Bond reveres him because of that.
== Personality ==
Fake Peppino is super chaotic and unpredictable. He is an untreated victim of ADHD, a disease caused by eating the HDMI port from a computer. He does strange things like burrow underground and saying random crap to coal miners in China. He learned Chinese this way. He goes onto Chinese TikTok and gets his face approved by the CCP for being "the average American face". Fake Peppino jiggles as much jello as he can find because he likes how it wobbles. If you call him an 𝄞, he will become flustered. Other than that, he pretends to be a dog. He isn't. It's a trick in order to receive affection like a dog. If you put him down, he will stop the act.
==History==
We do not talk about Fake Peppino. But since you so kindly asked:
=== Childhood ===
He was born with several health defects, including Aposthia, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and Sans Disease. When Bruno was 4: he got a unicycle, which he used to run over tiny frogs. When he was 6: he got a bicycle, which he used to run over kinda small frogs. As you can see, he really hates frogs. Which is why his parents threw him into medical school at age 7, where he'd get to do nothing but perform autopsies on frogs all day. He also got to be their personal court jester during the night. Of course this meant he never slept, and to prevent him from dying they hooked up his body to a star machine.
One day Richard Spepencer who was visiting Venice came in with a heart attack, and somehow the medical staff didn't know how to operate on him because he was part man, part pepe. They let Bruno do it because they were losers who sucked. Of course Bruno instantly exploded him by , which lead to the medical staff calling the police to go try and get revenge on him for making the hospital look bad and being a fake Dr. House.
He jumped into a toilet and out of the hospital and into the sewers where he'd cook meth with nothing but a few heisenburgers. This attracted lots of women, but also a bunch of rats who would try and heat him because he also fed the rats these burgers. Those rats proved vital for his survival during the 0°K winters, and would be his servants for a years. Eventually, when he was 17, Giorno Giovanna would find him and then present an ulttomato ultimatum to him: either he dies, or he stop cooking. He chose death (no i'm just kidding) He "chose" to keep his life, and began reading upon Louie's Notes on how to make food so he could continue living. He didn't know English (and intergalactic law prevents the book from being translated) so everything he made was an epic fail. His enterprise began diminishing too as all of his large-mouse companions left him for the slime he is, except for a very big one which was the stupid rat Brick.
=== Adult Life ===
Burno and Brick both lived together for many years, making ends meat on carcasses and wages off of Math. They planned on getting married, with Bruno using the fake name "Peppino" so he wouldn't get arrested. He did get arrested, because it was actually his own plot to get him sent to Arkham Asylum where he could go live for free for many years. He was smart in that he knew how to fake being stupid, until he became stupid. Bruno at some point in the loony bin also forgot who he was, or who his fiancé was, or how he got there. (They gave him water from Dr. Breen's Private Reserve.) He was like that for years until they eventually released him, but he had nothing left except his marriage papers. He asked them what the papers meant, and they told him. They also told him he was Peppino Varuigi. He didn't remember that last part, and he thought he was Peppino from the hit shame Pizza Tower from Peppino Pizza.
Some guy called Pizzaface was looking for Peppino imposters for his own Pizza Tower, and found Fake Peppino, whom he hired to be one of the bosses. Eventually the Pizza Tower did lean. It did so much lean that it fell and collapsed, alongside Fake Peppino's chances to be a big shot. After being homeless for like the 100th time, he died from malnutrition. No one had attended his funeral except for Brick and his new husband Gustavo. If you just gave him your $90 Fake Peppino would still be alive today.
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