Shallow Hal/Transcript

Mrs Larson?
 
 
lt...
 
 
lt won't be much longer, Mrs Larson.
 
 
Well, is he in a lot of pain?
 
 
No. No, no. There will be
no more pain for your husband.
 
 
He's heavily sedated.
 
 
OK. l think l'm gonna go
send little Hal in now.
 
 
No. No, no. l don't think
that's such a good idea.
 
 
With all the painkillers,
 
 
the reverend's not exactly himself.
 
 
Look, l think my boy has a right
to say goodbye to his father.
 
 
l mean, the man means
everything in the world to him.
 
 
Well, your call.
 
 
Nurse?
 
 
Yes, Reverend Larson?
 
 
- Did you see the cowboy?
- The cowboy?
 
 
The cowboy who gave me
the singing nickel in Pudding Town?
 
 
OK. l think it's time
to turn down the morphine drip.
 
 
Reverend Larson, your son is here.
 
 
OK, sure. Send her in.
 
 
Ladies? A little privacy.
 
 
Dad?
 
 
lt's me, Dad. Hal.
 
 
Glad you're here, kiddo.
Got a few things to tell ya.
 
 
First, l want you to promise
that no matter what you do in life,
 
 
you will never ever settle for average.
 
 
Yes, sir.
 
 
Second, don't be satisfied
with routine poontang.
 
 
Don't do what l did.
 
 
l married for love, and your mother
Betty has been a nightmare.
 
 
But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.
 
 
Listen to me. l'm giving you pearls here.
 
 
And third, find yourself
 
 
a classic beauty
 
 
with a perfect can, and great totties.
 
 
That will put you in good stead
with the Lord. lt's all in here.
 
 
Yes, sir.
 
 
Hot young tail's what it's all about.
 
 
Hot young tail.
 
 
l'll make you proud, Papa.
 
 
Jackass, can you not hear me down there?
 
 
l don't want anything to do with you,
you little warthog.
 
 
You had me at Get lost.
 
 
- What's up, Mauricio?
- Hey, Hal.
 
 
- How's the crowd tonight?
- Good. l got a few bites.
 
 
- Can l get you a drink?
- l won't say no to that.
 
 
Two beers.
 
 
- Two Buds?
- Two Buds.
 
 
So, l didn't expect to see you here.
Where's your new girl Loni?
 
 
- Lindy.
- Lindy.
 
 
- She's...
- There you go.
 
 
Actually, l didn't tell her
l was goin' out tonight.
 
 
Why not? Things OK with you guys?
 
 
Yeah, a little too OK,
ifyou know what l'm talkin' about.
 
 
- What does that mean?
- Things are going in the shitter real quick.
 
 
Jeez, l'm sorry to hear that.
Why is she dumping you?
 
 
- She's not. l'm dumping her.
- You're dumping Loni?
 
 
- Lindy.
- What, are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.
 
 
On the surface, but when you get to know her
better, there's a whole other story goin' on.
 
 
Yeah? How goes that?
 
 
We're sitting there, you know, and
she's got her bare feet up on the couch,
 
 
and l notice that her second toe is, like,
half an inch longer than her big toe.
 
 
- That's it? You're breaking up over that?
- Hey, l don't need that circus shit.
 
 
Well, couldn't she get the toe
filed down or something?
 
 
What, then l'm dating a nub?
 
 
l'm starting to think we're jinxed here.
 
 
- Speak for yourself, my friend.
- What, you got the promotion?
 
 
l don't hear till tomorrow, but guess who
is now officially going out with Jill.
 
 
Jill? Your neighbour Jill?
You're going out with Jill, your neighbour?
 
 
And she doesn't exactly hate me.
 
 
Get out!
 
 
You are the luckiest man on the planet.
So what are you doing here?
 
 
She's hostessing until . l better get going.
 
 
l'm gonna try to catch her on the way home,
see if she wants to get a drink.
 
 
lf l know you, that's not all she'll be gettin'.
 
 
See you later.
 
 
- l said no.
- No? Why not?
 
 
l don't wanna have a drink with you. l wanna
go home. ls that so hard to understand?
 
 
- What's goin' on? Are you mad?
- No, l'm not mad. l just...
 
 
Go on, say it. You know what?
No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.
 
 
Hal, l'm not attracted to you.
 
 
So what? You think everyone who goes out
is attracted to each other? Get real.
 
 
They're attracted to each other
in the beginning.
 
 
Oh, come on. That sounds
like a bunch of New Age hooey.
 
 
Maybe for some people
there's a little spark in the beginning,
 
 
but for most, the attraction part
happens way later. Whoa!
 
 
What? That's it?
Just like that, we're breaking up?
 
 
Well, we were never going out.
We just had one date.
 
 
Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days.
That's all l need.
 
 
- Why do you need five days?
- Tomorrow l'm finally getting my promotion.
 
 
There's gonna be parties, dinners,
this, that. l need you now.
 
 
Hal, you're gonna be so busy,
you won't even think about me.
 
 
How am l not gonna think about you?
You live right across the hall.
 
 
l don't know, Hal.
Maybe you should think about moving.
 
 
Hal, we've made a decision
regarding that wholesaler position.
 
 
Yes! lt's about time, Dave.
 
 
We decided to go with the gal from Merrill.
 
 
She's a proven entity. A big producer.
 
 
- l'm sorry, man.
- No, it's...
 
 
The gal's a proven entity.
What the heck you gonna do?
 
 
- Hal, l'm so sorry.
- Yeah, thanks.
 
 
- You should have gotten it. You deserved it.
- No, l didn't.
 
 
l didn't put them in a position
where they had to promote me or lose me.
 
 
lt's a good lesson.
Make yourself indispensable, that's the key.
 
 
And to make matters worse,
Jill dumped me last night.
 
 
Dumped you? Don't you have to be
going out to get dumped?
 
 
- What does that mean?
- Well, l just thought it was more of a...
 
 
Anyway, why do you care so much?
Jill wasn't right for you and you know it.
 
 
How can you say that? She was perfect.
 
 
When are you gonna get it?
They're just well-formed molecules.
 
 
And by the way, her tits weren't even real.
 
 
Well, l could squeeze 'em.
That's real enough for me.
 
 
Hal, l don't understand how a guy
 
 
who's as nice and loyal and generous as you
could have such a huge flaw.
 
 
What are you talking about?
 
 
lt never occurred to you that picking girls
on their looks may not be the best way?
 
 
Am l supposed to apologise
for having high standards?
 
 
High standards? ln the five years
l've known you, every woman -
 
 
l should say girl - you've gone after
has been completely out ofyour league.
 
 
- What's that supposed to mean?
- She doesn't mean anything by it.
 
 
She's just saying
you're not that good-looking.
 
 
Oh! l thought she was implying
something really mean.
 
 
No.
 
 
Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.
 
 
- Yes, Tony Robbins. Pleased to meet you.
- Yeah! Oh, man!
 
 
So, wow! You gave advice
to whatchamacallit.
 
 
- President Clinton? Mandela?
- No, no, no.
 
 
- Gorbachev?
- No, no. Pamela Anderson.
 
 
Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.
 
 
Wow! Man, look at those mitts!
lt's like grabbing a bunch of bananas.
 
 
And those dogs. How big are those?
 
 
- Size buddy.
- Holy cannoli.
 
 
- So you must do pretty good with the ladies.
- Just one.
 
 
- Really?
- Yeah.
 
 
She sounds hot!
 
 
- She is an amazing lady.
- l bet.
 
 
- So, what are you doin' in my town?
- We're doing a seminar here.
 
 
l help people to deal with the challenges
in life with more dignity and courage.
 
 
That's my deal, is the courage. l try to...
 
 
Hang on a second. Buddy, hang on.
The elevatorjust stopped. That's weird.
 
 
- Man, yeah. So what do we...?
- Hang on.
 
 
- Are you OK? l'm fine.
- You OK?
 
 
Yeah, yeah. lt's just l feel a little light-headed.
 
 
Then she dumped me. Flat out. Without
even the courtesy of a severance pop.
 
 
- A severance pop?
- You know, one last...
 
 
To ease the pain. The nice ones'll
sometimes throw you that.
 
 
lt sounds like you've had
some odd relationships.
 
 
Yeah. See, the problem is l'm kinda picky.
 
 
- What do you mean, picky?
- Well, for instance, l like 'em real young.
 
 
Like, did you ever see Paulina
in her first Sports IIIustrated layout?
 
 
- You're looking for a young Paulina type?
- That face, but with better headlights.
 
 
You know how hers
have kind of dimmed lately?
 
 
Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.
 
 
Or that Britney Spears girl.
She's got great knockers.
 
 
But she's a tad muscular.
 
 
Actually, you know what? Her ass would do,
too, if she had a better grille.
 
 
Like Michelle Pfeiffer
back when she did Grease .
 
 
But she'd have to be
a little smilier than Michelle.
 
 
Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos,
before she got Stamosed.
 
 
But not as skinny. Someone meatier,
like Heidi, but without the accent.
 
 
You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah.
 
 
They really get old fast. You know
what l'm saying. Someone like that.
 
 
Don't you think you're being a little bit
shallow in the way you look at women?
 
 
Well, no. l mean, you know,
l'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.
 
 
OK, hypothetical situation.
 
 
Which do you prefer, a girlfriend
missing one breast or half a brain?
 
 
Ooh, toughie. That's a toughie.
 
 
How's the remaining breast? ls it big?
 
 
- How's your relationship with your parents?
- Excellent. l mean, my mom's hilarious.
 
 
She golfs every afternoon.
 
 
Actually, l don't really remember my dad.
He died when l was nine, so...
 
 
lfyou were nine, you should remember a lot.
 
 
Yeah, but l don't.
 
 
My mom thinks l might have been
a little traumatised by the whole thing.
 
 
Anyway, all l remember is, he was great.
 
 
He was a great guy,
and l really loved him, but...
 
 
l'm sorry you lost him.
Hey, listen, l know you got a great heart.
 
 
You're just fixated on
the outside appearances of people.
 
 
- Hal Larson, l'm gonna do you a great favour.
- Really?
 
 
This is how it'll work. From this moment on,
whenever you meet someone in the future,
 
 
you're only gonna see what's inside them.
 
 
So you'll respond to that, because that,
my friend, is where the true beauty lies.
 
 
OK, Tony, l think
you're getting a little cabin fever.
 
 
Hold on. What if l told you by doing this,
 
 
you could have the most beautiful women
in the world and they'd want you?
 
 
- ls this like what you do in your seminars?
- No, no, this is very special.
 
 
This is just between you and me.
Let's get up and l'll show you what to do.
 
 
Now, you got a pattern of looking at women
and judging them by the exterior.
 
 
We gotta break that pattern.
So has there been a time
 
 
when you were especially shallow with a
woman, where you thought you were better?
 
 
- All the time.
- All the time.
 
 
ls there one specific time
where you were really shallow?
 
 
- Oh, yeah, l got one.
- Think about that.
 
 
Devils, come out!
 
 
- What the hell are you doin', banana hands?
- Just hang on.
 
 
- We gottajolt your nervous system.
- Oh, yeah. l'm sorry.
 
 
lt's notjust talking about it. Here's what
l want you to do. Just relax for a moment.
 
 
- l won't do that again.
- l didn't mean the banana hands thing.
 
 
Close your eyes. Just relax. And l want you
to imagine that you're on a beach.
 
 
lt's a warm day and the sun
is just starting to set.
 
 
And you're looking in the eyes of a woman,
and you're feeling her heart.
 
 
You're seeing her soul.
 
 
You're feeling her spirit.
 
 
That's it. That's it.
 
 
Excellent. Excellent.
 
 
Taxi!
 
 
l'm sorry. l thought that...
 
 
No, it's my fault. l didn't see you.
This is your cab. l'm gonna get the next cab.
 
 
- OK.
- All right.
 
 
Look, l'm just headed over to the East Side.
 
 
- Do you wanna share, or...?
- Yeah!
 
 
Yeah, let's take this one.
So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.
 
 
- Where to?
- East Side Plaza for me, please.
 
 
Likewise.
 
 
- What?
- Oh. Huh? Sorry. l just...
 
 
l mean, yeah, you're really pretty.
 
 
Yeah, right. Jeez,
is everybody in this city so flattering?
 
 
l figured you weren't from around here.
Where you from?
 
 
- Boston.
- Bean Town.
 
 
The musical fruit.
 
 
The more you eat, the more you toot.
 
 
So, are you here on a shoot or something?
 
 
- A shoot?
- l mean, you must be a model, right?
 
 
My grandmother's not doing so well, so l
took a year offfrom school to help her out.
 
 
Oh. Helping granny. Cool.
 
 
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
 
 
Bye.
 
 
So, nice catchin' up.
 
 
Listen, um... l know you'll probably think
l'm some kind ofwacko for asking, but...
 
 
What?
 
 
Well, while you're here in town,
l mean, you know...
 
 
ifyou ever feel like taking a break from
hangin' out with your old sick granny,
 
 
you know, we could...
 
 
- Sure. l mean...
- Really?
 
 
Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...
 
 
l would absolutely love to, if...
 
 
OK, yeah. l should get your number, then.
 
 
No, no. l'll get yours, because it would...
 
 
- With my luck, you'll lose mine, so...
- Oh. l get it.
 
 
Very funny. You got me.
That was... No, that was good.
 
 
You could've just said no,
but you went the extra mile. That was harsh.
 
 
l don't need this shit.
 
 
What?
 
 
- l do want your number.
- Oh, l'm sorry!
 
 
l don't know what... That was dumb.
l was saying something...
 
 
l thought you meant... Never mind. Yes. Yes.
 
 
Here's my phone number,
and here's my email.
 
 
- Email. That's...
- Yeah. That's funny.
 
 
- HeIIo?
- Mudwhistle, get dressed. We're goin' out.
 
 
This Robbins guy gave you free therapy
while you were in the elevator?
 
 
Yeah. And then - check this out -
 
 
he does this thing to me where he makes it
so l can score better with the ladies.
 
 
At the time l thought it was ajoke.
 
 
But this afternoon, the first
beautiful woman l saw went for me.
 
 
- Could be coincidence.
- Yeah, but no. This was different.
 
 
lt was like she went crazy
for me or something.
 
 
l think maybe talking to him helped my
confidence, cos l do feel more confident.
 
 
Shit. Look who's here.
 
 
What's the matter?
You have a problem with Walt?
 
 
- You don't?
- No. Why would l?
 
 
- Don't you just get sick of it sometimes?
- Sick ofwhat?
 
 
The whole l walk on all fours
so l own the world thing.
 
 
Plus all that phony self-deprecating crap.
 
 
Jeez... Give the guy a break!
He's got spina bifida!
 
 
- He's just playing the hand he was dealt.
- Yeah. Here he comes.
 
 
- There's a couple of belt buckles l recognize.
- Hey, Walt. How you doin'?
 
 
Do l look like l have
anything to complain about?
 
 
Not ifyou don't mind
bunions on your knuckles.
 
 
l gotta go to the can.
 
 
- Hey, man, good to see ya.
- Good to see you.
 
 
- How you been?
- Good.
 
 
There's a pair of panties l recognize.
How ya doing, Deb?
 
 
OK, wise guy, what's it gonna be?
 
 
- How about a bottle of Dom for my buddy?
- Another? OK, you got it.
 
 
- And keep 'em coming.
- What's the occasion?
 
 
- You don't read the business section?
- What did l miss?
 
 
- l sold my company to Microsoft.
- Yeah? And you cleaned up?
 
 
Well, if l had an ass, l'd wipe it with twenties.
 
 
All right! Congratulations!
 
 
l'm officially retired and on the prowl.
 
 
- Hey, Walt.
- Hey, Sally.
 
 
l got a leash. Would you like
to take me for a walk?
 
 
Come on, boy.
 
 
Catch ya later.
 
 
Hi.
 
 
Hi.
 
 
- Hal.
- l'm Bella.
 
 
- So, what's up?
- Nothing.
 
 
- My friends are all out on the dance floor.
- Yeah?
 
 
- How come you're not spanking the planks?
- Spanking the planks!
 
 
Are they your roommates, or...?
 
 
No, we work together
at the Foundation Fighting Blindness.
 
 
Cool. l used to know a deaf guy.
 
 
- Do you wanna dance?
- Yes!
 
 
All right.
 
 
What in the name of all that is holy...?
 
 
- Do you need help?
- What? Come on!
 
 
Hal?
 
 
lt's ten o'clock. We gotta go.
 
 
- What are you talking about?
- Hal, we gotta go do that thing.
 
 
- You know, at the place.
- What thing?
 
 
Hey, sorry, ladies.
l gotta steal your dance partner here.
 
 
- What are you doing?!
- l am rescuing you.
 
 
- From what?
- From what?!
 
 
From a pack of stampeding buffalo,
that's from what!
 
 
Come join us. l'm goin' after the redhead.
You can have your pick ofthe other two.
 
 
You mean you get the hyena, and l choose
between the hippo and the giraffe?
 
 
Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite.
Let's go! l'm gettin' back in there.
 
 
Hey, go nuts.
 
 
Hey, Jill.
 
 
Mauricio, it's Hal. Pick it up.
 
 
Look, man, l don't know what the hell
was the matter with you last night.
 
 
First you wouldn't dance with the hotties,
 
 
and then we go to the lHOP, and those hotties
are even hotter, and you disappear!
 
 
Oh, my...
 
 
l gotta call you back. Something came up.
 
 
Building a parachute?
 
 
- Excuse me?
- They're a little big, aren't they?
 
 
Oh, l get it. You ripped the spinnaker
on your sailboat, right?
 
 
Sorry. lt seemed so funny seeing someone
like you holding up a pair of old-lady trou.
 
 
Someone like me?
 
 
Yeah. You know, someone so fit.
 
 
You are ajackass.
 
 
Miss, please. l'm sorry.
l didn't mean to offend you.
 
 
Hey, unibrow, why don't you double
your dosage and leave me alone?
 
 
Whoa, whoa. Let's start over.
Look, that was really dumb of me.
 
 
You were probably buying 'em for
someone close to you, and l insulted them.
 
 
However you took it, l want you to know
l didn't mean to piss you off.
 
 
l wanted to meet you, and l guess...
 
 
l guess l'm not real smooth sometimes.
 
 
Let me make it up to you.
 
 
Excuse me, Miss. ls everything all right?
 
 
So, what do you do for a living, Rosemary?
 
 
l'm actually volunteering
at the hospital right now,
 
 
cos l'm waiting for
this re-up thing to come through.
 
 
Re-up? What, are you in the army?
 
 
- Peace Corps.
- Peace Corps. Wow.
 
 
That's very altrudocious ofyou.
 
 
Altrudocious? That's not a word.
 
 
Oh! You mean humanidocious, right?
 
 
- Yeah. That's the one.
- All right. Ready to order?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
Can l get a double pizza burger, chili fries
with cheese and a large chocolate milkshake?
 
 
Nicely done. l'll have the exact same thing.
 
 
You got it.
 
 
l am impressed.
lt's nice to see a girl order a real meal.
 
 
l hate it when you guys order
a glass ofwater and a crouton.
 
 
lt ruins the whole point of goin' out.
 
 
That's probably what l should be ordering.
 
 
But, l don't know, no matter what l eat,
my weightjust seems to stay the same.
 
 
So l figure, what the hell?
l'm gonna eat what l want.
 
 
Totally. lfyou can get away with it,
more power to ya.
 
 
- Don't be a smart ass.
- What are you...? What?
 
 
No, l'm just saying, you know.
 
 
l feel bad for people who count calories.
lt's no way to live.
 
 
Yeah. But in return they get to be
a lot thinner than l am.
 
 
Are you out ofyour mind?
What do you weigh? pounds?
 
 
Which one of my butt cheeks
are you talking about?
 
 
OK.
 
 
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
 
 
Trust me, whatever you're doin',
it's working. lt is working.
 
 
Go on.
 
 
Oh, my God! Are you OK?
 
 
Oops.
 
 
- Goddang it.
- Don't move. ls your back all right?
 
 
- Yeah.
- ls she all right?
 
 
Yeah. You gotta get
some decent chairs in here, man.
 
 
What's this shit made out of, anyway?
 
 
Steel.
 
 
Yeah? Well, you should
get it welded better in the corners!
 
 
- All right.
- Rosemary, you sure you're OK?
 
 
Yeah. l'm a little embarrassed, but
it's happened before, it'll happen again.
 
 
Oh, man. l...
 
 
Don't be embarrassed.
Listen, l beef it. Everybody beefs it.
 
 
Looks like we're too late.
The food's probably all gone.
 
 
- Listen, can you wait here one second?
- Hal, just let it go.
 
 
Nah. Nah.
 
 
Hal.
 
 
You guys are so funny, making fun of me
cos l'm a little pudgy, right?
 
 
- No, l wasn't making fun ofyou. l was...
- Do me a favor. Take a look out the window.
 
 
You see that little fox out there?
You see that little number? She's with me.
 
 
lfyou took all the women you two have ever
gone out with, they wouldn't equal one of her.
 
 
- We're not arguing that.
- No.
 
 
That's right. Laugh it up, fellas.
 
 
And tonight, when you're hugging
your pillow, remember, l'm with her.
 
 
All right? That's it.
 
 
What happened?
 
 
Well, let's just say the score's
Hal two, mall rats zero.
 
 
Let me walk you to your car.
 
 
- Well, thanks for lunch, Hal.
- My pleasure, Rosie.
 
 
- My mother calls me Rosie.
- Really?
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
Gentlemen, can l interest you
in some chili fries and half a burger?
 
 
There's a lot left cos the little guy
couldn't finish his meal.
 
 
- Hey, hey.
- Pussy.
 
 
- That was nice ofyou.
- Well, you're all right in my book, too, Hal.
 
 
- Can l have your number?
- What number?
 
 
Your PlN number. l want your money.
 
 
Your phone number. What do you think?
 
 
Why?
 
 
You know, to go out. Maybe, like, tomorrow.
 
 
Well, yeah.
 
 
l mean, sure. lt's in the book
under Rosemary Shanahan.
 
 
- l can write it down. lt's S-h-a...
- No, l'll remember it.
 
 
- My boss's name is Steve Shanahan.
- That's my father's name.
 
 
Not JPS Steve Shanahan?
 
 
Yeah. Yeah.
 
 
Your father is my boss. l mean,
not my boss, but he's my boss's boss.
 
 
l mean, l don't know him,
but l see him around the office.
 
 
Well, then you won't forget my name.
 
 
- Hal?
- Yeah?
 
 
lf l don't hear from you,
l appreciate everything anyway.
 
 
Cuckoo!
 
 
You sure you don't want a dog?
 
 
Yeah, yeah. l'm tryin' to lose a couple of LBs.
 
 
- Since when do you care about your gut?
- l don't really, but...
 
 
l am a little nervous because of
this girl who's coming to meet me.
 
 
- She's incredible.
- Uh-huh?
 
 
Like the ones on the dance floor?
 
 
Even better, buddy. l'm telling ya,
it's almost beyond belief.
 
 
She's funny, she's smart,
she teaches self-esteem to sick kids...
 
 
l would never believe a girl as beautiful
could have such a great personality.
 
 
- Ugly-duckling syndrome.
- What?
 
 
She probably wasn't pretty till high school.
The personality developed out of necessity.
 
 
You know what? l bet you're right.
She's way too pretty to be so nice.
 
 
Sometimes they're ugly so long,
when they turn pretty, they don't realize it.
 
 
The ugly self-image is so well ingrained.
That's a real find.
 
 
- Hey!
- Hey!
 
 
l've been looking for you.
 
 
Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy. The girl with the toe.
 
 
- Hey.
- How ya doing?
 
 
Good. Did you get my message?
 
 
No, no. My phone machine's
not really working there. Did you call?
 
 
- l got tickets for that Beatles reunion.
- The Beatles?
 
 
Yeah. Well, not the real Beatles,
but Paul, George and Ringo will be there.
 
 
But Eric Clapton is filling in for John.
lt's an invitation-only acoustic set.
 
 
- Only about people, tops.
- Oh, man.
 
 
So you're in?
 
 
No. Not a Clapton fan.
 
 
l think l'll pass.
 
 
OK. Well, l guess l'll see ya.
 
 
- Yeah, yeah.
- Bye, Lindy.
 
 
- Did you see the toe?
- Mauricio, l gotta tell you, you got issues.
 
 
- Don't even get me started.
- Oh, my God. There she is.
 
 
There's Rosemary.
 
 
- Where?
- Right there.
 
 
- Right where?
- Straight ahead. Across the field.
 
 
- ls she behind the rhino?
- She's right there!
 
 
Mauricio, l want you to meet someone.
 
 
This is Rosemary Shanahan.
Rosemary, Mauricio Wilson.
 
 
Hi. Nice to meet you.
 
 
Holy cow. l mean, uh... hi.
 
 
- ls that a Members Onlyjacket?
- Yes. Yes, it is.
 
 
So, what are you, like, the last member?
 
 
Oh, man.
 
 
One-nothing Rosemary.
 
 
Excuse me forjust one second. Hello?
 
 
Oh, hi, Mom. Yeah, hold on.
 
 
- Will you guys excuse me?
- Want something from the snack bar?
 
 
Yeah, get me a beer
and nachos with all the stuff on it.
 
 
You got it.
 
 
- Does she take the cake or what?
- She takes the whole bakery, Hal.
 
 
- l told you.
- Yes, you did. And yet l wasn't prepared.
 
 
- So, what are you up for?
- l don't know. l like the track.
 
 
Ah, so she's a gambler.
 
 
Yeah, well, just the dogs.
 
 
l hate the ponies. There's too much
human involvement, you know?
 
 
You can't trust people
ifyou're looking for a fair deal.
 
 
- What about you? Do you gamble?
- No, not really.
 
 
l bet on pro football now and then,
butjust to make the games more exciting.
 
 
- l don't really care if l win.
- Huh.
 
 
- l've never read that book.
- What book?
 
 
Things Losers Say.
 
 
Hey, why don't we forget the track, and l'll
introduce you to some good friends of mine?
 
 
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
 
 
- All right.
- What do you say?
 
 
- l say OK.
- You say OK?
 
 
Hi, guys. l want you to meet
a very good friend of mine. OK?
 
 
This guy here is Hal. And he's really funny.
 
 
Hi.
 
 
How ya doing? Good to meet ya.
 
 
Hey. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.
 
 
She should be doing Keebler commercials.
You're the cutest thing l've ever seen.
 
 
- What's your name, beautiful?
- Cadence.
 
 
Cadence. That's a pretty name.
You know, my uncle's name is Cadence.
 
 
Well, l got news for you, Cadence.
 
 
l'm not putting you down
until the cows come home.
 
 
Put her down.
 
 
The cow came home.
 
 
What is he doing here?
These aren't visiting hours.
 
 
Oh, Nurse Peeler, we were just
coming by to say hi to the kids.
 
 
Fine. Pack it up.
 
 
And get these patients back in their beds.
 
 
- Should we get going?
- Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.
 
 
Sourpuss.
 
 
Hey! l got an idea. Do you guys
wanna play the kissing game?
 
 
- Yeah?
- You want me to go get a bottle?
 
 
This is how we play. Wanna get the lipstick?
 
 
- Get lipstick.
- Yeah, OK.
 
 
What we do is, we put on the lipstick,
 
 
and then the kisser kisses as many times
as they can until the lipstick comes off.
 
 
Cool! l wanna go first.
 
 
- Then l'm going last.
- Jesse.
 
 
- Hey, they don't have anything l can catch?
- They don't have anything you can catch.
 
 
l didn't think so.
You guys don't even look sick.
 
 
You're just a bunch of phonies
like my Uncle Cadence.
 
 
l bet you're here just so you can
get out of school. ls that right?
 
 
- Yeah.
- Give me some ofthat lipstick.
 
 
You were incredible in there.
You were. You were so amazing.
 
 
l'm serious. A lot of people get
really squeamish in that situation...
 
 
- Rosemary? ls that you?
- Dr Sayed! How's it going?
 
 
- Good. Who's this?
- This is my friend Hal.
 
 
- Good to meet you.
- Be nice to her. She's a good girl.
 
 
- All right.
- Bye, Rosemary.
 
 
That's what these kids need -
 
 
a stranger who isn't afraid to just
be with them and play with them.
 
 
- That's what builds their self-confidence.
- Why would anybody be afraid of 'em?
 
 
You are off-the-charts adorable.
Do you know that?
 
 
Come on.
 
 
- This is a nice street you live on.
- Yeah, this is my street.
 
 
- You wanna come up?
- Yeah. But l don't think l should.
 
 
Why not? lt's only o'clock.
 
 
- l know. l just don't think it's a good idea.
- Oh, no. Did l do something?
 
 
No. You've been really cool.
 
 
- Hi, Hal.
- Oh, hey, Jill.
 
 
- Rosemary, this is my neighbor Jill.
- Hi. Nice...
 
 
- Sorry.
- Nice to meet you.
 
 
Nice to meet you too, Jill.
 
 
l gotta go and meet some friends,
so l'll see you guys later.
 
 
- Bye.
- Bye.
 
 
Come up.
 
 
- No.
- What?
 
 
l thought we were having a good time.
 
 
We were. lt's just, you know,
Hal, l'm not used to all this.
 
 
Used to what?
 
 
Hal, you've been really nice to me today.
l really appreciate it, but...
 
 
What, your other boyfriends
aren't nice to you?
 
 
- l don't have other boyfriends.
- Bullshit.
 
 
Well, l had one boyfriend.
 
 
lt was kind of recently,
actually, but it didn't work out.
 
 
- You've been burnt, huh?
- No.
 
 
That's just it. l've never been
close enough to anybody to get burnt.
 
 
Please! With a mug like that?
You must be fighting 'em off daily.
 
 
Right. l mean, l saw the way
your friend Mauricio looked at me.
 
 
l thought he was gonna shoot me
with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.
 
 
Don't worry. He's been acting really weird
lately, especially around really pretty girls.
 
 
Hal, do me a favor and stop saying
that l'm pretty and that l'm not fat, OK?
 
 
Cos it makes me uncomfortable.
 
 
OK. You have a problem with compliments?
 
 
Look... l know what l am
and l know what l'm not.
 
 
l'm the girl who gets really good grades
and is not afraid to be funny.
 
 
And l'm the girl who has a lot offriends
who are boys, and no boyfriends.
 
 
l'm not beautiful, OK? And l never will be.
 
 
And l'm fine with that. You know?
 
 
But when you go around saying
that l'm something that l'm not,
 
 
it's just... lt's not nice.
 
 
Whoa, Rosemary.
 
 
You're starting to scare me.
l mean, l really like you,
 
 
but l have to assume you're a little nutty
ifyou really believe you're not beautiful.
 
 
Grow up, Hal.
 
 
Rosie. Wait a second.
 
 
Well, it was too good to be true.
 
 
Rosemary. Turned out to be a total psycho.
 
 
Her self-image is so far off, it's scary.
 
 
Well, maybe you had a little
something to do with that.
 
 
What are you talking about? All l ever did
was tell her how perfect she was.
 
 
Really?
 
 
Yeah. Then she got all huffy
and told me to grow up.
 
 
Well, that's probably good advice.
You are kind of immature.
 
 
You're not serious. You actually
think you're more mature than me?
 
 
You're right. l'm probably more immature
than you, but at least l have a bigger willie.
 
 
Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.
 
 
- What the hell was that?
- l said your willie's...
 
 
l heard what you said,
but it took you, like, eight seconds.
 
 
You can't come back with a comeback after
eight seconds. You got three. Five, tops.
 
 
That's why they call it a quip. Not a slowp.
 
 
All right, you got anything better to read?
l gotta fire off a missile.
 
 
Hi.
 
 
- ls this a bad time, or...?
- No.
 
 
l just wanted to apologize for last night.
 
 
- You don't have to apologize.
- Yeah, l do.
 
 
l called you, like, immature or sophomoric
or something like that. l know you're not...
 
 
Oh, my God, Hal!
You gotta get in here and look at this turd!
 
 
lt looks just like Klinger from M*A*S*H.
 
 
- Why don't we get outta here?
- OK.
 
 
Coffee?
 
 
Excuse me. Are you ready to order?
 
 
Yes. Two double cheeseburgers with bacon,
one with relish. Thank you.
 
 
- Are you OK?
- Brain freeze.
 
 
Excuse me, sweetie. Professional.
 
 
Hey, Billy, stay over near the ladder.
 
 
Weak. So weak.
 
 
You wanna see a splash?
l'm gonna show you a splash. Ready?
 
 
- That was good?
- Billy?
 
 
Billy? Billy? Billy!
 
 
Daddy!
 
 
Sorry.
 
 
- What's the matter?
- l should have changed at the beach.
 
 
What? Are you crazy? You look great.
 
 
l don't normally dress like this
around my parents.
 
 
Hey, hey, come on. l'm the one
who should be nervous here, not you.
 
 
Hey, you know, l've been meaning to ask you.
Were you adopted?
 
 
No. Why?
 
 
Cos your dad has that weird accent.
 
 
And l've seen him around the office. l gotta
say, l don't see the slightest resemblance.
 
 
Really? Everybody says ifyou put
a wig on him, he'd lookjust like me.
 
 
Look at who's here now.
Come here, my darlin'.
 
 
Hi, Daddy.
 
 
- Rosie, honey.
- Mom.
 
 
Good to see ya.
 
 
This is Hal Larson,
the guy l was telling you about.
 
 
- Great to meet you, sir.
- Likewise.
 
 
- Nice to meet you, Hal.
- The pleasure is mine, Mrs Shanahan.
 
 
Wow. l can see where
Rosemary gets her figure.
 
 
What the hell... What the hell
is that you've got on?
 
 
We were at the beach.
 
 
Won't you be putting
something else on, darlin'?
 
 
Oh, come on. She doesn't have to
do that for me. Let's just keep it casual.
 
 
Casual.
 
 
Hey, Dad, Hal's one ofyour great
untapped resources down at the company.
 
 
- Why don't you tell him some ofyour ideas?
- Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?
 
 
lt is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.
 
 
Only a company with a solid reputation
like JPS could ever market this product.
 
 
- Hal, let me take your plate.
- Thank you. lt was delicious.
 
 
- Can l get you boys some coffee?
- l'd love a cup oftea, darlin'.
 
 
Maybe just a drop ofthe hard stuff.
 
 
Yeah, l'll just have a cup ofjoe.
That'd be great. Thanks.
 
 
l have to say, Hal,
l'm impressed with a lot ofyour ideas.
 
 
Some ofthem are dogshit, but for the most
part you seem to have done your homework.
 
 
- So l'd like you to do something for me.
- OK.
 
 
l'm meeting with me executive committee
Monday morning,
 
 
and l'd like you to make a presentation.
 
 
- Seriously?
- Well, nothing fancy, you understand.
 
 
Just talk about the same things
that you talked about here tonight.
 
 
Great. l'd love to.
 
 
Oh, and by the way,
you can cut out the act now.
 
 
Excuse me?
 
 
You think l got as far as l did
in me life by bein' a fool?
 
 
Now, you've got ambition,
Hal, and l admire that.
 
 
Hell, l wish l had a hundred
more like yourself.
 
 
We'd be the number one firm in the country.
 
 
And me daughter would get
a hell of a lot more dates.
 
 
l'm sure Rosemary doesn't have
any problem getting dates.
 
 
l told you to cut the shit out, all right?
 
 
Look, Rosemary's me daughter,
and God knows l love her dearly.
 
 
But l think we both know that we won't
soon be seeing her twirlin' the baton,
 
 
marching along with the Dallas cheerleaders.
 
 
l don't understand.
 
 
l'm telling the truth, Hal.
 
 
And the truth is l haven't been able to bounce
me daughter on me knee since she was two.
 
 
You know, l've read about people like you.
 
 
- People like me?
- Superachievers with impossible standards.
 
 
Nothing's ever good enough.
Nothing ever measures up.
 
 
lt never occurs to you that your kids
are people, with their own feelings.
 
 
You think they're an extension ofyou,
like your company,
 
 
or your $ -million Learjet
and your Picasso out in the front hall.
 
 
Everything reflects on you, so nothing
and no one is ever good enough.
 
 
Go on.
 
 
When l first met Rosemary, she told me
she knew she wasn't that good-looking.
 
 
l could not believe my ears.
l thought how can a person this beautiful
 
 
possibly interpret what she sees in the mirror
to be anything other than that?
 
 
Well, now l know.
 
 
ls everything OK?
 
 
Yeah, everything is fine. Just fine.
 
 
What?
 
 
Nothin'.
 
 
l just can't believe how lucky l am.
 
 
You swear to God you're not gonna laugh?
 
 
Come on, l'm not gonna laugh.
 
 
Daddy like.
 
 
What in the...? How did...?
 
 
Get over here, Houdini.
 
 
Hi.
 
 
Yes, l am.
 
 
Everything's so perfect.
 
 
- lt's a little scary.
- l know.
 
 
But in a good way.
 
 
To have so much to lose. That's nice.
 
 
- l'm gonna call you later.
- OK.
 
 
Bye.
 
 
Forget something?
 
 
Oh, hey.
 
 
Hi. l'm glad l caught you
before you went to work.
 
 
What's up?
 
 
l was wondering ifyou wanted
to come over tonight,
 
 
open a bottle ofwine, maybe watch a video?
 
 
Nah. Thanks, though.
 
 
And in summation, l feel that these measures
will help JPS and all of our customers.
 
 
- Nice job, Hal.
- Thank you.
 
 
- Nicely done.
- l appreciate it.
 
 
- Hal, l stand corrected.
- Thank you.
 
 
Hal, l need to see you
in me office straight away.
 
 
Sure.
 
 
Sit yourself down.
 
 
So, what'd you think?
 
 
l'll be gettin' to that in a minute.
 
 
l want to talk to you about
that conversation we had the other night,
 
 
and all ofthem things you said to me.
 
 
Well, l'm more than just a little embarrassed,
having said what l said.
 
 
l think me daughter is lucky to have you.
 
 
No, sir. l'm the lucky one.
 
 
lndeed.
 
 
Well, now, as to your meeting in there,
sure, it was first-rate.
 
 
- Yeah?
- Oh, yes.
 
 
Hal, l'm gonna level with you.
 
 
- l need your balls.
- Sir?
 
 
l need a man around that can
give it to me straight, you know?
 
 
Whether the news be good or bad.
 
 
So l've decided - from now on,
you'll be working directly for me.
 
 
l don't know what to say, but thank you.
 
 
Well, a thank you will do just fine.
 
 
Well, get the fuck out.
 
 
OK.
 
 
Congratulations on your promot...
 
 
- Oh, sorry.
- No, no. Come in, come in.
 
 
l want you to meet Rosemary. Rosemary, this
is Jen and Artie. Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.
 
 
As in Steve?
 
 
Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which
reminds me, l gotta meet him for lunch.
 
 
So l'll see you this weekend, OK?
 
 
lt was really nice to meet you guys.
Do you mind if l take a little sliver?
 
 
Beauty.
 
 
Do you want a plate?
 
 
l know what you're thinking.
Where does she put it, right?
 
 
You guys, thanks for the cake.
You didn't have to do this.
 
 
The least we could do,
seeing as how you worked so hard
 
 
to become indispensable to the company.
 
 
ls that that new thing called sarcasm?
 
 
Hal, we all know you're about as deep as a
puddle. That used to be part ofyour charm.
 
 
- But this just flat-out sucks.
- What are you talking about?
 
 
lfyou have one ounce of integrity left,
you'll break it off immediately,
 
 
before you hurt the poor girl.
 
 
l gotta give you credit for being more
proactive and starting to meet women.
 
 
Who knows? Maybe you are on a roll here,
 
 
but don't you think it's time
to raise the bar a little?
 
 
l mean, at first l thought
you were in a slump, you know?
 
 
l could, as a friend, look the other way
while you banged a few fatties
 
 
and got it out ofyour system,
but there's lots of good fish out there.
 
 
You don't have to snack on carp anymore.
 
 
l suppose the girls we partied with a couple
weeks ago downtown were a couple of carp?
 
 
No. Laura, the one with the whiskers,
she looked more like a catfish.
 
 
Oh, l see. And what about Marie?
 
 
Pop some bolts on her neck
and the villagers'll be chasing her.
 
 
- And Vicki?
- Who?
 
 
- Vicki!
- Who's Vicki?
 
 
VickiVicki. With the short brown hair.
 
 
Vicki? l thought that was a guy.
l was calling her Vic!
 
 
- You're out ofyour mind!
- l know l'm being a little harsh on you here.
 
 
l think real friends are obligated
to be honest with each other.
 
 
And this one that you're dating now -jeez.
 
 
Careful.
 
 
Hey, all l'm saying is
she's got cankles, for God's sake.
 
 
- What?
- Cankles! She's got no ankles.
 
 
lt's like the calf merged with the foot,
cut out the middleman.
 
 
l know what cankles are.
Rosemary doesn't have 'em.
 
 
You know what?
l know what you're doing here.
 
 
- You're scared.
- Scared?
 
 
Yup. This is exactly what you did
with the knockout with the weird toe.
 
 
You're just inventing reasons
to dump girls cos you're afraid.
 
 
All right, look,
l admit Rosemary is kind of cool.
 
 
But you wouldn't even be talking
to that woolly mammoth
 
 
if her father wasn't
the president ofyour company.
 
 
What?
 
 
l guarantee you've never met anyone
like this guy. You're gonna love him.
 
 
- Great. What's his girlfriend like?
- l don't know. l haven't met her.
 
 
Theyjust started going out. Oh, there he is.
 
 
Walt!
 
 
At your cervix!
 
 
Hey, you recognize these panties?
 
 
Rosemary, don't steal my lines.
 
 
- You two know each other?
- Yeah!
 
 
Gosh, Walt's been volunteering
down at the hospital for years.
 
 
So where's this mystery girl?
 
 
She should be here any minute.
 
 
Hey...
 
 
l want you to be honest.
ls this outfit too Hey, look at me?
 
 
No, no. lt's very subtle.
 
 
- Sorry l'm late.
- Tanya.
 
 
Oh. What a surprise.
 
 
- l gotta get a map.
- l'm going with you.
 
 
What are those for?
 
 
You ever walked through a truck-stop
men's room on your hands?
 
 
- Want anything?
- Potato chips. And dip.
 
 
Cut it out.
 
 
So, Tanya, l had no idea that you and Walt
were, you know, seeing each other.
 
 
Yeah. You got a light?
 
 
lt's actually a very funny story. Because he
had been asking me out for a really long time
 
 
and l was always kind of unavailable.
 
 
And then just when he had given up, l broke
up with my boyfriend, and there he was.
 
 
So l asked him out.
 
 
So he kind of grew on you, huh?
 
 
Exactly. l mean, you gotta admit,
 
 
when you first meet him, it is kind ofjarring.
 
 
l mean, you kinda don't even know
what goes where.
 
 
But, anyway, the timing
couldn't have been more perfect,
 
 
because he had just sold his company,
and he has all this time on his hands,
 
 
and we can plan things
 
 
and travel and go shopping and...
 
 
Well, l guess timing's everything.
 
 
Hope you like bean dip.
 
 
Yeah! That was my girl.
 
 
Oh, my God. l'm the biggest nerd.
 
 
- Rosemary!
- Ralph!
 
 
Hi.
 
 
You remember Li'iBoy?
 
 
Li'iBoy. Yeah. How are you?
 
 
- MahaIo, Rosemary.
- How you doing?
 
 
- Great.
- Wow.
 
 
- They still got you out in Sierra Leone?
- No, no. Now they got me nearer my home.
 
 
l'm on this island
in the South Pacific called Carabas.
 
 
- l'm Hal.
- Oh, l'm sorry. Hal.
 
 
These are my Peace Corps buddies. This is
Ralph Owens and Li'iBoy. This is Hal Larson.
 
 
- What's up?
- Li'iBoy.
 
 
So, what are you guys doing up here?
 
 
Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office
training for days,
 
 
so l dragged him here
and threw him on the slopes.
 
 
lt wasn't pretty.
 
 
l knew this Hawaiian guy in high school
who went out for the hockey team.
 
 
lt was funny as shit.
 
 
Anyway, it's great to see you again.
 
 
You look happy.
 
 
Thanks. l am.
 
 
Well, we got a long drive back, so...
 
 
- Bye.
- Bye.
 
 
Good to meet ya.
 
 
- You OK?
- Uh-huh.
 
 
lt's just that... Do you remember
how l told you that once l had a boyfriend?
 
 
That was him.
 
 
You're welcome.
 
 
What's your name?
 
 
Excuse me, Mr Robbins.
Could l have a word with you, sir?
 
 
- Sure, but l gotta catch a plane.
- lt'll only take a minute.
 
 
A few weeks ago, you got trapped
in an elevator with a friend of mine.
 
 
Hal! He was a great guy. He was having
trouble with his relationships. How is he?
 
 
- Well, that's a matter of debate.
- Really?
 
 
Anyway, apparently,
you gave him, like, a pep talk,
 
 
and now he's under the impression
that he can get any woman he wants.
 
 
- And you don't think he can?
- l don't know. Whatever.
 
 
But, see, the point is,
lately the only women he wants are ugly.
 
 
- Who says they're ugly?
- Bausch & Lomb.
 
 
And very fat, some ofthem.
lt's like Hal has lowered his whole...
 
 
Jesus, you've got a big noggin.
 
 
Thanks for noticing.
My new book has a chapter on blurting.
 
 
- You might wanna pick it up.
- Yeah, l'll check into that.
 
 
Anyway, l mean,
did something go wrong here?
 
 
Or is my friend having a nervous breakdown?
 
 
No. Haven't you ever heard the phrase
Beauty is in the eye ofthe beholder?
 
 
Yeah. Did you ever hear the song
Who Let The Dogs Out?
 
 
- lt can't be that bad.
- Look, exactly what did you do to him, man?
 
 
l altered his perception a little bit.
 
 
l knew it. l knew it! l knew it!
 
 
- You messed with his eyesight, right?
- No.
 
 
- You hypnotized him.
- No. l dehypnotized him.
 
 
He's been hypnotized his whole life,
totally focused on the outside.
 
 
l helped him to see
the inner beauty in everyone,
 
 
including people you think
are not physically attractive.
 
 
How can he see their inner beauty
when he doesn't even know them?
 
 
lnner beauty's easy to see
when you're looking for it.
 
 
But how can he not feel them when he's...?
 
 
The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.
 
 
All right, look. Let's just
cut through the old crapcake here!
 
 
OK.
 
 
Sir, don't you think
it's wrong to brainwash someone?
 
 
Don't you think you're brainwashed?
 
 
Everything you know about beauty
is programmed. TV, magazines, movies.
 
 
They're all telling you what's beautiful
and what isn't. How's this any different?
 
 
Look, l didn't come here to debate you!
l just want my friend back!
 
 
Now, isn't there some kind ofword or phrase
or something to take the whammy off him?!
 
 
Of course. But ifwe do that, he'll go back
to judging everybody by the outside.
 
 
- ls this what he really wants?
- l don't care what he wants!
 
 
lt's what l want! l want my friend back!
 
 
l gotta go. l gotta catch my plane.
l'm really sorry.
 
 
Look, a man's reputation, dignity
and furniture are being trashed here!
 
 
Perhaps irreparably!
For God's sakes, his job is in jeopardy!
 
 
- His job? Really?
- Yes. And it's a greatjob.
 
 
l just wanted to give him a gift.
l didn't want him to get hurt.
 
 
You seem to know him better than l do, so...
 
 
- lt's a shame to let it go.
- Oh, it's a tragedy.
 
 
So, what did you wanna talk to me about?
 
 
- Ralph called me.
- Your old boyfriend Ralph?
 
 
Well, he was also my division leader
in Sierra Leone.
 
 
Anyway, he's shipping out to Carabas in ten
days and he wants me to go with his group.
 
 
What? You and Ralph? Carabas?
 
 
They're in the middle
ofthis economic meltdown.
 
 
 women and children need medical
supplies and food, and they want me to help.
 
 
How can you be so selfish?
 
 
Sorry?
 
 
l mean, you know what l'm sayin'.
You bump into pretty-boy Ralph on Friday,
 
 
the sparks are flying, and now you're
gonna go and save the world in Carabas?
 
 
- This has nothing to do with me and Ralph.
- Yeah, right.
 
 
He's obviously crazy about you.
 
 
He's got the heart of a saint.
 
 
l could practically see the halo
around his head. l can't compete with that.
 
 
OK, first of all, you're probably
the only person in the Free World
 
 
to ever refer to Ralph as a pretty-boy.
 
 
Secondly, that halo around his head,
it's called psoriasis.
 
 
You can't stand within three feet
without getting flaked on.
 
 
And thirdly, and fourthly, yes,
he's a great guy and he cares about me,
 
 
but he had no sense of humor.
 
 
And l'm in love with an even greater guy.
 
 
Well, then how come l don't have
any say in this thing?
 
 
You do. That's why...
 
 
God, are you OK?
 
 
- Oh, my God. l am so sorry.
- You should be sorry! This is an outrage!
 
 
- l'll go get help.
- Are you OK, sweetie?
 
 
Thank you very much.
 
 
- l'm so embarrassed.
- Don't be.
 
 
lt's this flimsy-ass four-star restaurant.
 
 
Just sit right here.
l'm gonna go talk to the manager, OK?
 
 
l'll be right back.
 
 
Good night. Thank you.
 
 
l'm not blaming you, but l need a chair. My
girlfriend's jinxed when it comes to furniture.
 
 
l'm so sorry.
The waiter told me what happened.
 
 
Just a sec. Mclntosh's.
 
 
Hello?
 
 
- ShaIIowHaI wants a gaI.
- What?
 
 
Shallow Hal wants a gal.
 
 
- What the hell are you talking about?
- l just saved your life, baby.
 
 
- What?
- l've been looking for you all day.
 
 
l'm at Mclntosh's with Rosemary.
Look, l got kind of a...
 
 
- Are you looking right at her?
- No, l'm talking to the hostess.
 
 
Hal, don't! Hal...
 
 
- Look, l got a situation here. l'll call you later.
- Look away!
 
 
- l was just talking to the hostess.
- Right. That would be me.
 
 
No, no. lt was the other hostess.
 
 
Sir, l'm the only hostess in the restaurant.
 
 
Let me apologize about the booth.
We are so sorry.
 
 
We've replaced your date's side with a new
chair, a strong one, and the meal's on us.
 
 
Oh, OK. Well, thank you.
 
 
You're welcome.
 
 
Excuse me. Did you move us?
 
 
No. Second table on the right.
 
 
Well, then maybe you can explain to me
why that robust woman
 
 
is eating my girlfriend's din...
 
 
Hey! Now she's eating my clams casino!
 
 
Sweetie, are you OK?
 
 
Excuse me.
 
 
Mclntosh's. Tiffany.
 
 
OK.
 
 
We're two friends walking. We're just walking.
 
 
And then Robbins confirmed
exactly what l thought.
 
 
- Which is?
- You weren't irresistible to women.
 
 
He hypnotized you so that
really ugly girls that you met from then on
 
 
- would, to you, look like supermodels.
- What?
 
 
lfthey had inner beauty or some baloney.
You could get any woman you desired
 
 
because you were suddenly
desiring the undesirable.
 
 
- You get it?
- No, not exactly.
 
 
Let me put it this way. lt's like
he gave you beer-goggle laser surgery.
 
 
Now wait a second. So what you're saying
 
 
is that all the pretty girls l've met lately
are not really pretty?
 
 
All right. Let's look at the facts.
 
 
They were funny, smart and nice.
 
 
Pretty girls are not funny!
And they're certainly not nice. Not to us.
 
 
When l found out what Robbins was doing,
l convinced him to take the trance away.
 
 
When l said Shallow Hal wants a gal,
you were cured.
 
 
You're out ofyour mind. Do you know that?
l'm going back to the restaurant.
 
 
- Hal. Hal, come on.
- Hey, Hal!
 
 
You never called me back.
What happened to you?
 
 
- Excuse me?
- Oh.
 
 
l've got my hair back.
 
 
lt's me - Katrina.
 
 
We shared the cab together.
 
 
l'm in town taking care of my grandma,
Cos she's been sick, and...
 
 
Oh, wait a minute! l get it!
 
 
Nice try, Mauricio. Where'd you find this one?
 
 
No, it's me - Katrina.
 
 
From Boston. The magical fruit?
 
 
Yes, l remember Katrina.
But the thing is, you're not Ka...
 
 
l never told you about K...
 
 
Katrina! How the heck are ya?
Give me some sugar.
 
 
l didn't recognize you. The hair and the...
 
 
You screwed me, man! l had a beautiful,
caring, funny, intelligent woman,
 
 
and you made her disappear!
 
 
Oh, no, l didn't. l just made Rosemary appear.
There's a difference. lt's called reality.
 
 
Hey, ifyou can see something and hear it
and smell it, what keeps it from being real?
 
 
Third-party perspective.
 
 
Other people agreeing that it's real.
 
 
OK, let me ask you a question.
Who's the all-time love ofyour life?
 
 
Wonder Woman.
 
 
OK. Let's say Wonder Woman
falls in love with you, right?
 
 
Would it bother you ifthe rest ofthe world
didn't find her attractive?
 
 
Not at all. Cos l know they'd be wrong.
 
 
That's what l had with Rosemary!
 
 
l saw a knockout!
l don't care what anybody else saw!
 
 
Jeez, l never thought about it that way.
 
 
- Hey, l guess l really did screw you, huh?
- What am l gonna do?
 
 
Hey, hey, don't panic.
We just get Tony Robbins back here,
 
 
he puts the Vulcan mind-meld on ya
and he puts you back under.
 
 
Good idea.
 
 
- ln the meantime you just avoid Rosemary.
- Why?
 
 
Because ifyou see the real Rosemary,
hypnosis is not gonna help you.
 
 
You'll need the jaws of life
to get that image out ofyour head.
 
 
Hal, open up. lt's me.
 
 
l hear you in there.
 
 
Just a sec, Rosemary.
 
 
What happened to you at the restaurant?
 
 
l got something in my eye.
l had to run back here and flush it out.
 
 
Yeah, the hostess said
that you seemed a little cuckoo.
 
 
- So, come on, open up.
- l can't.
 
 
- Let her in. We'll club her.
- No.
 
 
l'm...
 
 
l'm very sick.
 
 
l've got, uh...
 
 
- CC!
- You have what?
 
 
Contagious conjunctivitis.
 
 
l'll take my chances. Now open up.
 
 
All right. ln a minute.
 
 
l told you it was nasty.
 
 
Are you OK? Do you need
to go to the hospital?
 
 
Nah, nah. l got some drops. l'll be fine.
 
 
- My poor baby.
- Yeah.
 
 
Well, l should probably rack out.
This has taken a lot out of me.
 
 
OK.
 
 
Well, l'll call you in the morning
and see how you're doing.
 
 
Great, great. Bye-bye.
 
 
Hal, is everything all right with you?
 
 
Yeah. Yeah, it's topnotch, sir.
 
 
Why?
 
 
Well, it's just that Rosemary's been telling me
 
 
that she's having a bit oftrouble getting you
on the telephone the last couple of days.
 
 
Now, l wouldn't be working you
too hard, would l?
 
 
No. l mean, l'm working hard,
 
 
but l guess l've just been
a little preoccupied with things.
 
 
But l'll make sure and touch base with her.
 
 
Right. Right.
 
 
OK, then.
 
 
l'm sorry. Apparently Tony Robbins is a lot
tougher to track down than l thought he'd be.
 
 
- l'll come through. l promise.
- l can't keep this up, man.
 
 
Calm down.
 
 
l don't know, Mauricio.
Maybe l should just see her.
 
 
l mean, l do have,
 
 
you know, the heart thing.
 
 
Maybe that's enough
to overcome her appearance.
 
 
lt could be like in that movie -
The Crying Game.
 
 
When the guy fell in love
with a beautiful woman?
 
 
And then when he found out it was a guy,
it didn't matter, cos he already loved her.
 
 
Hal, if a set of hairy boys was
your biggest hurdle here, l'd say go for it.
 
 
- Hello?
- Hey, it's me.
 
 
Hey, what's up, Rosemary?
 
 
- Whathappenedyesterday?
- Hm?
 
 
Well, l stopped by your office to say hi,
but you just took off running.
 
 
- Oh, you're kidding.
- No.
 
 
- What were you doing?
- I wasjogging.
 
 
- ln your business suit?
- l had a sweat suit underneath.
 
 
ls everything...?
 
 
What's going on, Hal?
 
 
Things haven't felt the same lately.
 
 
- No?
- No.
 
 
Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...
 
 
l'm just in a little funk right now,
and everything's gonna be fine.
 
 
Yeah. So...
 
 
l guess l'll talk to you tomorrow?
 
 
Bye.
 
 
Bye.
 
 
- Who is it?
- Hal, is that you? lt's Jill.
 
 
Comin'.
 
 
Hey, what's up?
 
 
Hey. My girlfriend just bailed on me,
 
 
and l was wondering if l could
take you out to dinner.
 
 
l'm sorry. Tonight's not good.
 
 
Don't be such a stiff.
There's some stuff l wanna talk to you about.
 
 
- No, really, l can't.
- Please? We'll go outjust as friends.
 
 
Oh, come on. You gotta eat, don't you?
 
 
- Can l ask you something, Jill?
- Yeah.
 
 
Why the sudden thaw?
 
 
Well, l've been thinking a lot.
 
 
Hal, l made a mistake. l never
should have broken it offwith you.
 
 
Well, you didn't really break it off.
We only had that one date.
 
 
Besides, you did the right thing. We didn't
have anything in common, remember?
 
 
But that was my fault.
l shut you out emotionally.
 
 
We could have had more things
in common if l'd wanted to.
 
 
- Mr Shanahan, how are you this evening?
- How am l?
 
 
Tonight l feel like a thorn
amongst a bed of roses.
 
 
- Your table's ready. John'll seat you.
- Right this way, please.
 
 
- l'm just gonna go to the ladies' room.
- OK, Rosie. We'll be at the table.
 
 
Yeah. See, why did you shut me out
in the first place? l'm just curious.
 
 
Well, frankly,
l guess l thought you were shallow.
 
 
Me?
 
 
Yeah. You struck me as this
kind of superficial dickwad.
 
 
l don't know. What do you call it?
 
 
Hal, it's OK.
 
 
l've been watching you in the past few weeks.
l've seen the women you've been out with.
 
 
And now l know appearances
mean absolutely nothing to you.
 
 
lf anything, you're pathologically unshallow.
 
 
- l don't know about that.
- lt's true.
 
 
Listen, l have an idea.
 
 
Why don't we get all this food to go?
 
 
- Why?
- Because it'll taste a lot better in bed.
 
 
You know, there are
a few times in a guy's life -
 
 
and l mean two or three, tops -
 
 
when he comes to a crossroads,
and he's gotta decide.
 
 
lf he goes one way, he can continue what he's
doing and be with any girl who will have him,
 
 
and if he goes the other way,
he gets to be with only one woman,
 
 
maybe for the rest of his life.
 
 
lt seems like by taking the second road,
he's missing out on a lot.
 
 
But the truth is, he gets much more in return.
 
 
He gets to be happy.
Are you wearing panties?
 
 
God! What am l saying? No!
 
 
No, l'm sorry. Jill, this isn't gonna happen. l...
 
 
l think l'm gonna go down
that other road for once.
 
 
- Hi.
- Hello.
 
 
Hello?
 
 
Hey, hey, hey now. lt's me, your love bunny.
 
 
Imiss you andI wanna see you.
 
 
What's the matter? You sound upset.
 
 
What are you, some kind of psycho?
 
 
Hello? Rosie?
 
 
Just you leave me daughter alone.
 
 
- l don't understand.
- The jig is up, and she knows it.
 
 
Well, she hasn't returned my calls.
What's going on?
 
 
lt's a little late to be worrying
about that now, don't you think?
 
 
Besides, she went and accepted
that Peace Corps assignment.
 
 
No offense, but l think
l have a right to hear this from her.
 
 
l'll give you your rights.
 
 
l'll give you your last rites,
you self-righteous little shit!
 
 
You know, l wanted to like you. l truly did.
 
 
And all ofthat malarkey that you gave me
that night at the house. l bought into it.
 
 
ln spite of all me better instincts,
l took the hook.
 
 
l don't know.
Maybe l share in the blame of it all.
 
 
Maybe l just wanted to believe
that there was still a decent guy out there.
 
 
A lad that would be right for me daughter.
 
 
- But, sir...
- Don't speak. Just you listen!
 
 
Now, thankfully, as it turns out,
there is a guy out there.
 
 
- His name is Ralph Owens.
- Ral... Pretty-boy Ralph?
 
 
Don't be a smart ass. Now you listen to me.
 
 
They're back together,
and me daughter has a chance to be happy.
 
 
And you, you'll be respectin' that.
 
 
Excuse me. Could you tell me what floor
Rosemary Shanahan works on?
 
 
l think she's up in Pediatrics.
 
 
- Yeah. That's third floor.
- Thank you.
 
 
Hal, is that you?
 
 
Hey.
 
 
- What are you doing here?
- l...
 
 
l came to see Rosemary.
 
 
Well, she left early.
She seemed upset about something.
 
 
- Any idea where she went?
- You got me.
 
 
Hi, Hal.
 
 
Hi.
 
 
- How do you know my name?
- lt's me - Cadence.
 
 
Oh, hi, Cadence.
 
 
How are you, beautiful?
 
 
How come you haven't come back to see us?
 
 
Well, me and Rosemary have been
having some problems.
 
 
- l was really stupid.
- Oh.
 
 
Well, why don't you go buy her a present
and then maybe you can make up?
 
 
You were right.
 
 
ln the gym last week when you said
l was scared ofwomen, you were right.
 
 
- Nah, l didn't mean that. l was just...
- No, come on, Hal. lt's the truth.
 
 
l'm terrified of 'em.
 
 
l haven't been close to a woman
my whole life.
 
 
l'm a coward, all right?
 
 
But why? l mean, look at you.
You're a mountain of a man.
 
 
You got more style than Mr Blackwell.
You're pulling in what - Gs a year?
 
 
- .
- You're the perfect catch!
 
 
l know, l know. lt's crazy.
 
 
l just have this thing.
 
 
What thing?
 
 
lt's kind of a birth defect thing.
 
 
Jeez, man. l didn't know.
 
 
- What is it?
- l have a tail.
 
 
- A tail.
- What do you mean, like a story?
 
 
No, a tail. lt's like a waggy tail.
 
 
My backbone is longer
than it's supposed to be.
 
 
lt's like a genetic abnormality.
lt's a vestigial tail.
 
 
- You do not.
- Yeah, l do.
 
 
Get out!
 
 
lf l can't even get my best friend to accept it,
how am l supposed to expect a woman to?
 
 
Wait a second. Are you for real?
Cos ifyou are, l gotta see this.
 
 
- No, you don't wanna see it.
- No, l don't wanna. l gotta.
 
 
- Good Lord!
- All right, you believe me now?
 
 
Oh, man. lt really does wag.
 
 
Only when l'm nervous, or happy.
 
 
Wow.
 
 
Have you ever thought about,
you know, maybe getting it cut off?
 
 
Cut off? l don't know
why l never thought ofthat
 
 
when l was getting pummeled in gym class
by a bunch of barking seniors!
 
 
- All right, calm down, calm down.
- God!
 
 
The damn thing is wrapped around an artery!
No doctor will touch it!
 
 
Well, it's not so bad.
 
 
l guarantee you there are some girls
who would think it was adorable.
 
 
Like a little puppy dog.
 
 
Really? You think it's like a puppy dog?
 
 
lt's cute as a button.
 
 
- Do you wanna pet the little fella?
- No!
 
 
But, you know, l'm not much of a dog person.
 
 
By the way, you're gonna need
a little sod on the fairway there.
 
 
Huh? What do you mean?
 
 
So, what are you doing right now?
 
 
- Nothing. Why?
- Can l get a lift? l gotta go see someone.
 
 
Yeah. Sure.
 
 
Seems like longer than forever, yeah
 
 
My home is now a distant land
 
 
lf l had one wish, l wish you could be
 
 
Back on that rock in the middle ofthe sea
 
 
My heart is calling me to the islands
 
 
My home is now a distant land
 
 
lf l had one wish, l wish l could be
 
 
Back on that rock
 
 
Hey! Hal, right?
 
 
- Have we met?
- lt's me, Li'iBoy.
 
 
l met you up in the mountains with Ralph.
 
 
- Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy. How ya doing?
- Yeah.
 
 
- You look like you been working out.
- Nah.
 
 
So, do you know if Ralph is in the office?
 
 
Yeah. Ralph!
 
 
Hal! Hey, Hal.
 
 
Hey. How ya doin'?
 
 
l'm doing great. You're looking good.
So, what can l do you for?
 
 
- l came here to congratulate you.
- On...?
 
 
Look,
 
 
you got a great girl, and you deserve her.
 
 
More than me. And the truth is,
l'm happy for Rosemary.
 
 
But l want you to understand one thing.
You better be good to her, Ralph.
 
 
Ralph, ifyou ever mess up
and make her unhappy,
 
 
l'll be waiting in the wings,
and l'll pounce on you. Like a tiger!
 
 
Like a tiger on a deer,
with a cloven hoof and with a broken arm!
 
 
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hal.
What are you talking about?
 
 
You're back together. Let's not play games.
 
 
- Rosemary and l aren't back together.
- You're not?
 
 
Let's put it this way. Her parents are throwing
a going-away party for her as we speak.
 
 
l wasn't even invited.
 
 
- This seems crazy.
- Yeah. That's cos it is.
 
 
- But crazy's all you got.
- Amen to that.
 
 
Good luck, Hal.
 
 
Well, l could use a drink. What do you say
we slide around the side here?
 
 
Yeah, we'll blend in.
 
 
Yeah.
 
 
Hello?
 
 
- Rosie?
- Excuse me. What are you...?
 
 
l love you. l'm not going anywhere
until you hear me out.
 
 
What are you doing?
 
 
- Who are you?
- Who am...?
 
 
Hal, are you drunk? lt's me, Mrs Shanahan.
 
 
l have some things to say to your daughter.
l'm not leaving here until l do.
 
 
OK. But could you release Helga
so she can get back to work?
 
 
Get ready, Li'iBoy. lt's showtime.
 
 
Well, Hal, now's your chance.
 
 
What are you doing here?
 
 
Oh, my God. You're beautiful.
 
 
You have no right to be here.
 
 
- Hal, come on. This isn't working out.
- l'm OK.
 
 
What the hell are you doing here?
 
 
- l'm having a word with your daughter.
- lt better be goodbye!
 
 
- You've got her all up...
- Steve! Shut up.
 
 
Rosemary, l am so sorry that l hurt you.
 
 
l've been really dumb.
 
 
l'm immature, l'm unthoughtful,
l'm a friggin' idiot.
 
 
But l love you.
You're the only girl l've ever loved.
 
 
And l just didn't want you to go away
without knowing that.
 
 
You really hurt me.
 
 
l know. But ifyou'll let me, l wanna spend
the rest of my life making it up to you.
 
 
Well, your timing is terrible.
 
 
l mean, l'm leaving for Carabas
tonight for months.
 
 
l'm sorry, Rosemary.
l just can't wait that long.
 
 
l understand.
 
 
Which is why l'm going with you.
 
 
What?
 
 
lt's true, Rosie. Big Kahuna here just swore
him into the Corps about a half-hour ago.
 
 
That's right. He's official.
 
 
Are you sure that's what you wanna do?
 
 
Cuckoo! Cuckoo!
 
 
- Here's your bag, Rosemary.
- Thank you.
 
 
- Congratulations, Hal.
- Thank you.
 
 
- Rosemary.
- Bye.
 
 
Just keep it right there at the airport.
l'll pick it up later. Congrats.
 
 
- We love you, Rosie.
- l love you, Mom.
 
 
And, Rosemary, you'd better
be looking after me lad.
 
 
l will.
 
 
Later, dudes!
 
 
Say bye-bye. Bye-bye.
 
 
You like puppy dogs, do ya?
 
 
Anything to do with dogs, l melt.
 
 
Why don't we go around back,
get a little drink?
 
 
- Sure.
- Yeah? Come on, big fella.
 
 
Hey, kid. How 'bout these Rossi boots?
Do they fit like a glove or what?
Category:Transcripts
Category:20th Century Fox Transcripts