The Vampire Next Door/Transcript

1
As long as you are by my side
All along way
As long as you are in my eye
I can see it through
Good morning.
Good morning.
Let's just stay in bed all day.
I have work.
So call in sick.
Last night was amazing.
Please, Cam.
If you insist.
Thank you.
I love you, Diane Jardine.
As much as I've done for you
There's more I'll do
As much as I...
Sup.
Son, we need to talk about
your plans after summer.
Dad, it's June.
That's what you said last year.
You wanted a gap year, remember?
Well, the gap is over.
It's time to get school on your radar.
Honey.
Yeah, well, I don't
know what I wanna do, so,
why go to just go?
There's more to life than
just those toys upstairs.
- Collectibles.
- What?
They're collectibles.
- Not toys.
- Honey,
it's the first week of summer,
give him a break.
Yeah, gimme a break.
I'll give you a break.
In three weeks, you need to
come back and have an idea,
a hint, a possibility about something
that you want to do
in the future, okay?
Fine, I'm late for work.
Just a coke?
That's not breakfast.
See ya tonight, Mom.
You have to talk to
Cameron about his diet.
There is no food in his food.
Add it to the list, sweetheart.
Move through me
And feel what I've been told
See a way
Move through me
And feel what I've been told
See a way
You're late.
10 minutes early.
I need you to close tonight.
- Nope, can't.
- Why?
I have a date.
No, seriously, I need you to close.
No, seriously, I have a date.
With who?
You wouldn't know her.
Yeah, well, I don't know
any of your made-up friends.
Yeah, her name is Diane.
- Diane what?
- Jardine.
There is no way that you
have a date with Diane Jardine.
How do you know her?
She applied here a few years ago.
Here?
Yeah, and there's no way
that she even knows your name.
I don't care if you believe me or not.
Bring her here tonight.
I'm not bringing her here.
That's 'cause there is no date.
Wait, who has a date?
Cameron here thinks he's
got a date with Diane Jardine.
Oh.
I want photographic proof.
No, I don't care if
you believe me or not.
That's 'cause the only date you have
is with a sock, wank boy.
Pew, pew,
Thanks for that, by the way.
For what?
He's making me close.
Oh, well, you opened, so tell him no.
Hey, um, are you really
going out with Diane Jardine?
Yeah, why doesn't anyone believe me?
Well, I mean, she's like...
Her and you're you.
Which, which is fine, which is fine.
Well, how do you even know her?
- We're friends.
- Really?
Yeah, I was the first person she called
when she got back from college.
Oh, she called you.
Well, she sent me a text.
Well, how do you know
you were the first?
Well, you know, if you need me,
I'll be here, closing alone.
There's no one quite like you
No one makes me feel like you do
Just a look in your
eyes, smile on your face
No one makes me feel that way
Uh, yeah
- What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
You taking pictures of Diane?
No, no, I wasn't.
I saw you, you're a perv.
Whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What the hell is going on?
He's taking photos of you.
Cam?
No, no, I wasn't taking
pictures, I was texting you.
Right, I saw him, he's perv.
I can show you.
Oh!
It's ruined.
Why was your phone in the street?
- Well, he threw it.
- Chad.
Was protecting you
from the little creep.
Know what, just go home.
Whatever.
Perv.
Later, Diane.
Were you taking pictures of me?
No, why would I want a photo of you?
My God, this is...
I said dinner's ready.
Why are you sitting in the dark?
You're always complaining
about the electric bill.
I'm just doing my part.
Oh, well, thank you.
Wash your hands.
Oh, shit.
Um, what is that?
You need to start eating better.
Where's my normal food?
Just say it.
I am not buying you another phone.
It wasn't his fault this time, dear.
He should have punched
that kid in the face, bam!
That dickhead has been
tormenting you for three years.
Just once I'd like to see
you stand up for yourself.
Violence is never the answer.
And bullies will always be bullies
until somebody stands
up to 'em, that's life.
Anything you wanna add to this?
Um...
I'll get it.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh, shit,
oh shit.
You gonna get that?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Did you see someone standing
here when you walked up?
No.
What's up?
Ah.
Do you still wanna get some pizza?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah?
Okay, let's go.
I don't wanna hear
Your bitchin' in my ear
What?
I don't wanna hear you
Da-da-da-don't, da-da-da-don't
Say that I can't make it alone
'Cause I can do it on my own
Is your phone totally broken?
It's crushed.
I'm sorry, I'm really
sorry I doubted you too.
You've already seen me naked twice.
Why would you need
pictures of me in a bikini?
When have I seen you naked?
When we went to the quarry,
when I jumped off the rock
and then when I came
up, my top was missing
and I totally saw you staring.
Just like you're doing now.
I didn't see anything.
And I gave you my shirt,
which you still haven't given back.
Okay, fine, you get a pass
on that one.
When was the second time?
It was last summer, you
really don't remember?
Oh, shit.
It's okay, you don't have to tell me.
- No, look who just came in.
- Just came out the other side
and it's just it's not like anything
when you get in that
environment, you know?
- It's just...
- Oh, hey, Martin!
Cameron, what are you doing?
- I'll be right back.
- Cool, bud.
- What?
- What are you doing?
We're friends, I
tutored him in geometry.
No, he's not, no-
Hey, Cameron.
Uh...
Hi, Martin.
Oh, hi.
Um, so, you know, may-maybe just...
Uh...
Um, I-I, I gotta go.
What was that?
Thanks a lot, Cameron.
What?
What'd I do?
You gotta fill me in.
I'll see you tomorrow, okay?
Okay.
He stood me up.
Do you remember our senior prom?
One where Becky Sniderman
thought it would be a great idea
if the girls asked the guys instead?
Yeah, and you forgot to ask me?
I'm being serious.
Oh.
I asked Martin.
He just kind of stared at me
and then said, "Uh, hi, yeah, sure."
And then he turned around
and walked away.
He ignored me for two weeks.
So I sent him a text
the night before prom,
telling him I'd pick him up at seven
and we'd go to dinner and prom.
And I we even made hotel room reservations
just in case things went really well.
Why are you telling me this?
'Cause when I went to pick
him up, he wasn't there.
His mom answered the door.
She had no idea who I was and
knew nothing about the prom.
So I was just standing there
in my prom dress feeling
like an idiot.
It was humiliating.
What did he say?
You didn't talk to him?
No, every time he saw
me again after that,
he'd turn and run the other way.
Please don't tell anyone.
No, I'm really sorry
that happened to you.
You know, I would've been ready
in a black and white tux,
flowers in hand, and a
poem I wrote, just for you.
See, that's why I like you, Cam.
You're never playing an angle.
You're just Cameron.
"Just Cameron."
So when was the second
time I saw you naked?
Hmm, you had a lot to drink.
Maybe you actually don't remember.
My parents were outta
town and you came over
and we drank most of my dad's tequila.
- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.
I was actually gonna share something
really personal with you that night.
You would've been the first.
- Cam?
- Hmm?
I gotta go.
You don't have to be embarrassed.
Oh, shit.
We need to talk.
How did you, how did you get in here?
Do you like watching me undress?
No.
No?
No, uh...
I kinda did.
Oh, so you do like watching.
No, I'm sorry, I just
looked through your,
or, my window and I saw you bare, there.
I'm sorry, it's, it's only old.
Miss Carpenter in that house, so-
- And do you like watching old
Miss Carpenter get undressed?
No, who are you?
I'm watching the house
while Miss Carpenter is away.
Oh.
I'm, I'm sorry I saw you naked.
You should probably go.
We could talk about
this tomorrow, outside.
Yeah, I need a ride.
Shh.
I need a ride, help me out
and we're even.
I can't.
What, you don't have a car?
Well, I have a car,
I just can't drive it
until I can pay for the insurance.
Well, that's not
really my problem, is it?
So you can either help me out
or I can tell your
parents about your little
- voyeur issue.
- Shh! Shh!
Well, they're not gonna believe you.
Really?
Why don't we find out?
I'm sorry, I'm not driving you anywhere.
So are you gonna tell
me where we're going or?
We're almost there.
Are we going to your boyfriend's or?
He's dead.
Oh. Sorry.
So how old are you?
21, almost 21.
I just turned 20.
Hmm.
How old are you?
Just pull into this parking
lot, pull up on the right.
Oh, they're closed.
Gimme your keys.
Why?
I don't really want you
to leave me here, do I?
I won't, I promise.
Fuck it.
Help me!
Help me, help me!
Help me.
Let me in, let me in!
Let me in, let me...
Help me.
Let me in!
Stupid guy's...
What, oh god, oh my god, whoa.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, you, you killed that
guy and he's on the car...
You need to calm down.
Now get in the car.
Get in the car, yeah,
get in the car, yeah-
Now!
Okay.
You seem stressed out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm stressed out!
You just killed him on my car
and I'm not even supposed to be driving,
all because I saw you undress
and I didn't even see anything!
You're really going to need to relax
if you're gonna be my driver.
Well, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, that's it.
That was it, you said one ride.
And now I trust you.
Oh, crap, you're a vampire.
You don't wanna lose my trust, do you?
What happens if I lose your trust?
Well, I think you just saw what happens.
Thank you for helping me tonight.
You need to trust me.
Kiss of death.
Cameron, your dad
wants to see you outside.
Oh, okay.
Now.
Oh, shit.
You wanna explain to me
how you got blood all over the car?
You're not gonna believe
this, but, uh, it's the truth.
Last night after Diane dropped me off-
- Good morning.
Hey, good morning, you must be Victoria.
Miss Carpenter said you'd
be watching her house
- for a couple weeks.
- Yeah.
This is my son, Cam, this is Victoria.
Oh, we met last night, actually.
Um, I heard this thud.
So I came running out
and there was this deer
just lying there, bleeding.
It, it must've run into
the side of the car.
I was completely freaked out.
And then, and then Cam, he came home
and he made me feel so much better.
My Cameron?
I said we should call animal services.
And, and then the deer, it
just, it got up and run away.
It was a miracle.
That's funny, I, I didn't,
I didn't hear anything last night.
Well, I'm gonna go inside.
So last night I asked
Cam if he could drive me
to the store and he explained
the whole insurance situation.
Can't drive my car until I can pay
for it myself and could take months.
And so I was thinking,
um, maybe I could pay
for the insurance this month
if Cam would be willing
to drive me on a few errands?
Oh, you know, I'd love to, yeah.
But my dad wants me to earn it.
I, I think that's a great idea.
It might take some weeks, you know,
to get some good insurance.
Really wanna get that good deal.
Been on insurance the whole time.
He can start today if you need him.
That's perfect.
I have work today.
Oh, then tonight, say around 8:00 PM?
That's great, it's a date.
Great.
Great.
Run that by me again.
She picked me up and we went
and got pizza at Benny Pineros.
Yeah, something's not
right by this story.
Why do you care?
'Cause your job depends on it.
You're gonna fire me if I
can't prove I went on the date?
Right, look, I'm trying to
run a legitimate business here
with legitimate employees.
People who lie are those who steal.
I don't have to prove anything to you.
Hey, Cam?
Some weirdo outside is looking for you.
I'm taking my break.
We haven't even opened yet.
Hi.
Hey, yeah, I need to ask you a question.
What?
How well do you know Diane?
Well, we're not together if
that's what you're wondering.
I know that.
You can't tell anyone this.
I was supposed to go to the prom with her
and her hotness freaked me out.
Then I bailed and I think she hates me.
Yeah, that's fair,
you're kind of a dick.
It's not my fault.
Her face and her body make me stupid.
Is that why you came to see me?
I want you to help
me get a second chance.
Hey, I need you to run down
to the sippy sip and
grab me some cigarettes.
Go get your own.
Somebody's dog took a shit, pick it up.
Please, bro, I would owe you big.
Uh, you stood her up on prom night, man.
Man, help me out, come on.
I can talk to her and see what she says.
Yes, I knew
I could count on you.
She's probably gonna say no.
Bring it home, bro!
I wouldn't get your hopes up.
So he actually admitted
to the whole thing?
He said he wants a second chance,
but it's not his fault because
your hotness freaked him out.
Right, and I make him nervous?
No, your face and body make him stupid.
That's sort of sweet.
He, he stood you up on prom night.
But haven't you ever been
so attracted to somebody that
you just fumble for words and...
You're too scared to tell
them how you really feel,
so you just hope someday
they'll notice you and fall in love?
So what do you think?
About what?
Should I give Martin another chance?
Well, of course you do.
That's, that's why you told me, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Victoria?
Hello?
I like a punctual man.
Don't sneak up on me like that.
Hey-
- Relax.
Your shirt's all messed up.
Gotta look good for murdering people.
Until you know me and know why I'm here,
I don't need your judgment.
Geez.
So are you gonna fill me in on
what we're doing tonight, or?
The less you know, the better.
That way I won't have to
kill you when it's all over.
I'm kidding.
Turn here.
I'll be back.
What am I supposed to do?
Don't freak out like last time?
"Don't freak out."
Yeah, easy for you to say.
Oh shit, oh my god!
Oh my god, oh my god, oh
my god, oh my,
Oh fuck, oh god.
We can go.
You might wanna roll down your window.
We don't wanna attract the police.
You wanna talk about it?
No.
- Gah!
- Shh.
We need to talk.
Now?
Yes now.
I need to tell you why I'm
here and why I need your help.
Okay.
And you need to promise
that you won't tell anyone.
Okay, I promise.
I was turned when I was 16.
How old are you now?
Two hundred and forty-seven?
Whoa, you're so old.
What?
But I mean, you still look
really good for your age.
The man I loved and was
loyal to was killed in 1890.
He was traveling without me
when he made contact with
a rival pack of vampires.
They insisted that he join them.
And when he refused, they killed him.
Over the last hundred years,
most of that pack has moved to America.
A few in your town.
And so you're here to kill them?
I will find and destroy
every last one of them.
So the two I saw you kill weren't human.
Oh, this is great.
So you have no problem
with me killing vampires?
No, no, why didn't you just
tell me that from the start?
I needed to know that I could trust you.
You can trust me.
Good.
But what happens if you don't kill them?
That's not an option.
Yeah, yeah, okay, this is great.
So tomorrow night, we're gonna
go vampire hunting again.
- Bad vampire...
- Shh!
Hey.
What, what are you doing in my room?
You didn't return any of my calls
or texts so, I came over.
My phone is broken.
I'm in big trouble.
What happened?
So I sent her a text
like you told me to,
and she texted me back and said
we should get together tomorrow night.
Great.
No, uh...
I think I used all my
best material in the text.
I don't know what to talk about.
What did you say?
"Hi, Cameron said to text
you, so I'm texting you."
Keep reading.
"You are so hot, like
really, really hot."
"Do you think I'm hot too?"
You see, I was creating conversation.
Read what she wrote back.
"I still haven't
forgiven you about prom,"
"but let's get together on Friday night"
"and see how your apology goes."
That means she's ready to bang.
I don't think that's what she's saying.
Diane's funny, she's beautiful,
and her hair smells like heaven.
And her skin is like
perfect, and she's smart,
and you can talk to her about anything,
and her voice is like, you know?
Yes, perfect!
Can you write that down for me?
No, no, no, better yet,
dude, come with me.
If I get stuck, you say something nice
and I can add onto it.
Please, bro, come on.
What time are you meeting her?
Six.
Hmm, maybe, I have plans.
Well, maybe I could go for an hour, but,
but then you're on your own.
Bro, I am so getting
laid tomorrow night.
He likes the word "hot" a lot.
Better get used to that.
Is there like a signal
or something I can give you
if I need you to stay longer?
I have plans.
With who?
With a girl.
You have a first date too?
Actually, this will be our third.
When did this happen?
Uh-uh.
Have you kissed her?
Uh, let's just say she's been in my bed.
Naked.
Cameron, you never fail to amaze me.
He's gotta be paying her.
For what?
To be here with him.
To prove to me that he's not a geek.
I promise you he does
not care what you think.
Everyone cares what the
assistant manager thinks, Elizabeth.
God.
So who are we eliminating tonight?
So do you usually take like
a chunk outta their neck?
Is that like a, like a, like a,
"Fuck you for killing
my boyfriend," thing or?
I'm worried about you.
Well, hey, they started it
and we're gonna finish it, baby, yeah.
Wait, how many are there?
Just one more tonight and one more
that I still need to locate.
Then what?
Then I move on.
Well, I mean, you can
stay a little longer
if you don't have anywhere else to go.
The last one will be much
tougher to find and kill.
Why?
The others have been descendants
without any real power or protection.
But the final one,
she's as old as I am.
And she has evaded my revenge
for hundreds of years.
She's the one who killed my master.
And when I find her,
I will make her death long and painful.
I will peel the skin from her cold body
and I will feed it to the rats.
I will rip out her heart and incinerate it
on a bed of fiery molten stone.
That went a bit dark.
Oh, yah.
What are you doing?
I told you to wait in the car.
Pfft, I'm not missing out on this.
Wait, wait.
You need to calm down.
Stay here or you're gonna get hurt.
Whatever.
Wait, who's gonna hurt me?
I will.
How did you get in here?
I'm gonna have to escort
you off the property.
What?
No!
Cameron, you fool, Cameron!
I'm playing dead, I was playing dead.
Did we get him?
What were you thinking?
He, I was distracting
him, he was shooting you.
I didn't need your help.
Wow.
Kinda looked like it.
I've managed for a very
long time without you.
How about a thank you?
And what if he'd shot you?
Well, you, you would just heal me
with your healing powers.
It doesn't work like that.
I'd be dead?
Oh.
I shoulda asked a lot more
questions on the way here.
Look, if you're gonna help me,
you really need to follow the rules.
Otherwise I can't protect you, okay?
Noted.
Hmm.
Oh, that's so cool.
I'm serious.
Yeah.
I was just joking.
I'm still learning.
Oh, uh, tomorrow night,
can we murder just a little bit later?
I have this thing.
I haven't located her yet, so have fun.
Oh, wait, um...
I need help getting out
of this, uh, situation.
If you come to get me, then you
could be my reason to leave.
I'll try.
Hey,
I've been helping you.
Could you help me out just once?
Fine.
Fine?
Okay.
Thank you.
Goodnight, Cameron.
How do you know where I'll be?
Trust me, I'll find you.
How?
I have your scent.
Ooh, she has my scent.
Oh my god.
Hey.
Hey.
So, um, my friend plays in this band
and I was wondering if
maybe you wanted to go
and see them with me tomorrow night.
Never mind.
Uh...
That would be cool.
Really?
Oh, um, awesome.
They're like this cross between
like The Specials and Green Day,
and I've already got two tickets,
so you don't have to worry
about that, um, yeah.
- Great, yeah.
- Yeah.
But, uh...
I got a lot of stuff going on right now.
I can't really talk about it but um...
Maybe another time?
Cool. Yeah.
- Next time for sure.
- Mm-hm, yeah.
All our love
Right here in me
It's coming through
So this is Diane's favorite place.
Lots of chandeliers.
Uh-huh, yeah.
Um, Martin, he's actually trying out
for the Blue Jays farm club this year.
Earned that, semi-pro.
That's amazing, that's amazing.
Diane has this photographic memory,
so she doesn't even have to study
and she gets straight A's,
especially in history.
No, no, I have to study sometimes.
Right on.
Okay.
I once knew this dude who
studied all night for a test.
Like, like he had it down and
and right before he was
going to leave for school,
he, he fell asleep.
And missed the test.
I mean, what a doofus.
Right here in me
So I'm gonna go let you two eat.
- No!
- No!
Right here in me
I have plans.
Ah, well I am gonna go to the bathroom.
Right here in me
So I'll be right back
and you stay right there.
Dude, this is not working.
What are you talking about?
You don't feel it?
No, it's great,
star-crossed lovers, baby.
- Think so?
- Cameron, Cameron, Cameron.
Oh, hi, um...
Victoria, This is my friend Martin.
We're leaving, now.
- Don't go.
- Now.
You're on your own, buddy.
What am I supposed to say to her?
Wait, wait up, wait.
That was perfect, you
got me out just in time.
So who's the girl?
Oh, that's Diane.
That's the girl I was telling you about.
No, you never mentioned her.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How do you know her?
I've been in love with
Diane since freshman year.
So then who's the guy?
Oh, he's into her too, so I set them up.
Well, that doesn't really
seem very smart, does it?
Well, he's an idiot, I'm not worried.
Kinda sounds like
you're the complete idiot.
I have a plan.
She thinks he's cute,
but I know if she spends
enough time with him,
she'll realize he's a moron.
And what, realize that
you're the love of her life?
Uh, something like that.
After four years?
Five.
You know, sometimes love
is never reciprocated.
In fact, it's rare.
Thanks for the pep talk.
Okay, now you've seen it,
let's go somewhere else.
No, I wanna see where you work.
Can we please just go somewhere else?
Why?
- What are you hiding?
- Nothing.
Do you see those two guys over there?
They've been giving me shit for years.
Really?
Oh, this should be fun.
Huh?
Hey, pencil dicks.
What did you just say to us?
I called you a pencil
dick and you both looked.
So I must be onto something.
What's your problem, lady?
I asked my friend if he could find me
the two biggest losers in town and he did,
because here you are.
Hey Cam, come over here.
So what, you always have
a women fight your fights?
You have another woman besides me?
Well, that's two more than you.
You think this is funny?
No, no.
Whoa, I, I, I didn't,
I didn't say anything.
Well, get up.
- Hi.
- No.
Letting him hit you in the face over
and over isn't a strategy, Cam.
Thank, oh!
Time out, time out.
Look, you're not really doing too great.
No shit.
Here's a tip: Hit him in
the ribs over and over again.
Trust me.
All right, let's go.
Oh my god, ow.
That's it, Cameron, don't let up.
You're the perv.
You're the perv, you're the, ow.
Okay.
Ow, god, oh.
That's enough, right?
I've never seen anyone
take Chad down before.
Well, good.
- Well, help him up.
- Oh.
They say the fighting doesn't help but,
I think that was very effective.
Come on, there you go.
Now are you going to
bother Cameron anymore?
And Cam, you and Pencil
Dick, you're good, right?
Sure.
Great, let's go.
Hey lady, who are you?
Well, I'm whoever
Cameron wants me to be.
Bye, Cam.
Thanks for the support.
Whatever, Pencil Dick.
I think it's broken.
It's not broken.
Oh my god.
Here, drink this.
What is it?
It'll help take the pain away.
My tummy doesn't do well with Motrin.
Just drink it.
Okay.
Hm.
We're connected forever now.
Why?
You just drank my blood, so.
Ah! Oh!
What's it gonna do to me?
Oh relax, it'll just make
you heal faster, that's all.
- Am I gonna be a vampire now?
- No!
Okay, so where are we going to?
I kinda wanna just go home.
I've never been in a
fight before, that sucked.
You did good.
Oh...
Thanks.
Whoa!
Whoa, oh, that worked.
Oh, I'm feeling good.
See?
You need to trust me.
Yeah, no, I'm feeling really good.
We should go do something.
No, we could go dancing,
do you like dancing?
I like dancing.
Yeah, maybe another night.
You know, yeah, yeah, that's cool.
Tomorrow night!
I feel it, I feel it in my bones.
Good night, Cameron.
Yeah, yeah, good night, night, Victoria.
- You wanna hand with that?
- Woo!
Hey, oh...
How did you get in here,
or, what are you doing here?
I forgot to mention the sexual overdrive
that you'll be experiencing
for the next few hours.
Yeah, I noticed, it's
like a vampire Viagra.
Is that why you came to see me?
No.
I was thinking about Diane.
Me too.
Maybe, maybe she needs
to see another side of you.
She knows every side of me.
I mean, the problem is
that she doesn't really
know you like I know you.
Last night you...
Almost took a bullet for me.
I mean, he was a terrible shot, but...
When I needed someone that I could trust
to help keep my secret, you were there.
You didn't tell anyone, did you?
Maybe the best way to not
be lusting after Diane
is to be lusting with someone else.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, I think I get the picture.
If Diane knew that you were
involved with someone like me,
she just might wonder
what she's missing out on.
Cam, did you know, in 1926-
Uh...
Where were we?
Wait, wait, wait.
It's not you, but I'm not
just lusting after Diane.
I know the date tonight
had to go horrible.
So maybe tomorrow things
will be different.
Yeah, I don't wanna hurt your feelings,
but things will never be different.
You don't know that.
I've been around a
very long time, Cameron.
Yeah, well, I'd rather get hurt
than trick her into liking me.
Well, then you're a fool.
Yeah, well, you can leave.
Really?
Yeah, get out.
I'm sorry, I, I just, I-
Bro, you need to get a phone.
Everything fell apart after you left.
At least you tried.
But...
I need your help.
She either likes you
or she doesn't, man.
She likes the looks of me
and the whatever it is
she likes about you.
Maybe it's just not meant to be.
You're bumming me out, bro!
What do you want me to say?
I thought you were my wing man.
The coke to my Jack.
The thunder to my lightning.
The arrow to my bow, frosting to my cake.
Man, the peanut to my butter-
- Yeah, I get it, I get it.
Look, I'm just really busy
right now, so good luck.
So are you gonna help me?
Hi, can I help you find anything?
No, I'm just having a look.
You know, I've always
felt more comfortable
in vintage clothing.
Let me know if you wanna
try anything on, okay?
Thank you.
- Excuse me?
- Yes?
Is your name Diane?
So the girl who's
staying next door wanted
to have sex with you, but
you're still hung up on Diane,
but at the same time, you're trying
to set Diane up with Martin?
There are a few other details, but yeah.
These are some very
first-world problems.
You know what, fuck all of 'em.
Really?
You know, I'm always
trying to make people happy,
- but not anymore.
- Mm.
Come out with me tonight,
I'll help cheer you up.
What do you want to do?
Oh, well, um, I already told you,
my friend's band is playing.
I don't know.
You do know what the definition
of insanity is, right?
It'll be fun, trust me.
- Okay.
- Nice.
You two still work here?
"Uh," let's go.
Got a date tonight?
No, gonna go see a band with Liz.
Thought her name was Victoria.
No, Liz from work.
What happened to Diane?
I'm working on it.
And the girl next door?
Been there, done that.
Okay.
We all have these streaks in life
where our romantic options seem numerous.
Dad.
No, hear me out, hear me out.
If you start to explore too
many options at one time,
you may end up with none.
Okay, yeah, thanks, thanks.
It's like oxygen, right?
We need it to breathe.
But if we get too much
of it, makes us dizzy.
What's your point?
If you plant too many seeds,
one may end up growing.
Dad, I have it under control.
Okay, okay, look, just in case.
The rate you're going.
Wow.
Oh, she, she's
just loaning her a dress.
Whoa.
No.
This is not happening.
Did you enjoy the show?
All the people, you had
to mess around with her?
I had to find out if she was all that.
And she was insatiable.
You ruined everything.
Trust me, she's not your
type and she never will be.
So get over it.
You stay away from her.
Or what?
Or I'll tell her what you really are.
But that wouldn't really work
out for any of us, would it?
I'm not helping you anymore.
Don't try me, Cameron.
Tomorrow night it'll be all over.
But until then, you'll do
exactly what I ask of you.
Do you understand?
Ah-om.
Ah-om.
Martin.
How'd you find me?
Your mom told me you were here.
- Ah-om.
- Whatcha doing?
I am entering the deepest
and darkest parts of my soul
and I need complete and
utter silence, thank you.
Ah-om.
- Ah...
- Martin,
if you want my help
with Diane, I am all in.
No, what you said was right.
No, no, no, no, no, forget
what I said, she is hot, right?
Super hot.
Mm-hm, and I know what
she likes to talk about.
So if we work together as a
team, we can get her back,
and I'm gonna throw all
my best stuff at her.
What happens when
you're not there anymore?
No, I'm gonna be with
you the whole time.
Even when we're banging?
No, I'm gonna let you do that.
'Cause that would be a little weird.
Yeah, are you free tonight?
Yeah.
Okay, gimme your phone.
Why?
I'm gonna set you up with a date.
Ooh, yeah.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, I'll call you
later, see what she says, okay?
Martin, don't text her without me.
Okay.
- Hey, Cam?
- Yeah.
Why are you helping me?
'Cause you're the
lesser of two evils, man.
"Lesser of two evils," awesome!
Yeah.
You're a little devil,
yes, you are, yes, you are.
You're late, again.
I quit.
What?
Huh? Ah.
I'm making life choices.
Come on, Cameron.
Hey!
What happened last night?
Oh, I'm so sorry, I completely forgot.
You forgot.
Oh my god.
- Bye.
- Have a good one.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Cameron.
- Hey!
What are you doing here?
Uh, I need a new outfit
for a big date tonight.
Did Chad hit you again?
No, no, it was a girl at work.
I, I had it coming.
Cameron.
Well, let's see.
Ooh, actually, these
might work for your date.
They cover the bruise.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's not bad.
Nice, yeah.
Uh, well, I, I, um, I,
I, I'm going next door.
Well, thank you for stopping by.
Yeah.
Oh, well, Martin asked me out again.
- Oh, he did?
- Mm-hm.
I don't know if I'm gonna go or not.
Why?
Because he's really
not boyfriend material.
You know, I'd just be using
him for all the wrong reasons.
Well, you can use me for that.
No.
You're gonna say yes, right?
Yeah, I think I will.
Did you get it?
We just have to keep this
a secret for a few weeks.
Yeah, yeah.
No, seriously, can't go off at dinner,
you can't walk through a room with it.
Your dad's like the CIA.
Dad'll never see it.
All right, the guy said all your
numbers transferred, so you're good to go.
- Awesome.
- Okay.
You know I'm proud of you, right?
I know.
I know you don't know
what you wanna do yet,
but um, you're gonna find it.
Yeah.
Keep that outta sight.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay.
So how am I gonna explain
wearing this all night?
Uh, just say you're waiting
for an important call.
From who?
I don't know, who would you
get an important call from?
Margot Robbie.
Someone you know.
Oh, my coach.
Perfect, okay, so I'm
gonna hear what Diane says
and then I'm gonna tell
you what to say back, cool?
Cool.
Right, let's practice.
Oh, one sec.
Yello?
- Martin.
- Sup.
It's me.
Ah tricky.
Okay, so when you pick up the phone,
you can't say anything.
Right.
So she says, "It's
a nice night tonight."
You say?
I'd be like, "It's awesome."
No, you say,
"It's a great night 'cause
I'm here with you," say it.
It's a nice night
'cause I'm here with you.
"I hope this is the first of many."
I hope this is the first of many.
It's gonna be so easy.
Are you ready to have
the night of your life?
Yes, I am, 'cause I'm a
lean, mean, bonin' machine!
Not what I meant.
You look really nice tonight.
Thank you.
I know our past dates
haven't gone that well.
I know our past dates
haven't gone that well.
Thank you for
giving me a third chance.
Thank you for giving me a third chance.
Even though I don't deserve it
and there's probably someone more worthy
that should be with you tonight.
Even though I really don't deserve it
and there's probably someone more worthy
who should be with you tonight?
Let's not worry about the past
and focus on enjoying tonight, okay?
Cool.
Are you gonna keep your
earpiece in the whole time?
Uh...
I'm sorry, I want you to know
that this evening is
really important to me.
Uh, I'm sorry, I want you to know
that this evening is
really important to me.
But I have a tryout
with the farm team for the Blue Jays.
But I have a tryout with the farm team
for the Blue Jays.
They're gonna call
tonight with my start time
and they expect me to answer.
They're gonna call
tonight with my start time
and they expect me to answer.
Well, that's amazing.
I thought it would be a distraction
to have my phone on the table.
I thought it would be a distraction
to have my phone at the table.
Especially when my
focus should be and is...
On you.
Especially when my focus
should be and is on you.
See, I, I knew there'd
be a sweetheart somewhere.
So what do you wanna do now?
I'm up for anything you are.
I'm up for anything you are.
Anything?
Well, if you're driving,
I'll go wherever you take me.
I have an idea, how about you drive?
And I'll go anywhere you take me.
Martin, Martin, you gotta take her home.
Martin. Martin?
Martin, take her home.
So where are we going?
You'll see.
Can I get a hint?
Um, Lover's Lane?
Lover's lane?
No, no, no, no, no, no, not,
not, not Lover's Lane, no.
Okay.
Martin, talk to me.
Martin, Martin.
Are you nervous?
No.
Oh, so it's not the first
time you've been here.
I'm not looking for a hookup.
I'm not looking for a hookup?
Oh, this is gonna be so
much more than a hookup.
I've got it from here, Cameron.
Are you ready for a
life-changing experience?
Oh, yeah.
Ew.
Where's Liz?
You can't have your job back, buddy.
Where's Liz?
Look, I don't know what you said to her,
but she doesn't wanna see you.
Is she working?
No.
Okay, thanks.
All right, fine.
But on a trial basis only.
What?
You can have your job back.
Cam, I need to talk to you.
Stay away from me.
Please, just let me explain.
No, no, you killed Martin and
it, it was my fault and you-
- Martin's fine.
He's alive?
Sorta.
What did you do to him?
I made him...
Better.
Better, better how, how is dead better?
No, no, he's not dead,
he's just different.
You know, he's just gonna
live a whole lot longer
and his strength's gonna quadruple.
So he's gonna have a
real shot at going pro.
Isn't that what he wanted?
Cameron, I would never hurt you.
You lied, everything
you've ever done is a lie.
That's not true.
Our friendship is real.
The time we spent together is real, Cam.
Why didn't you tell me?
- I tried.
- Really?
'Cause I feel like I would've remembered,
"By the way, I'm a fucking vampire."
That night in my bedroom,
I was going to tell you everything.
So why didn't you?
It's been like two years.
'Cause I was afraid you'd react
like how you're reacting now.
Cam, I haven't told anybody
this for literally centuries.
So why me?
Because I love you.
And I knew that when I told you,
I would probably have to leave.
You love me?
'Cause I've been in love with you
since the moment I saw you.
I know.
But your love and my love are
two very different things.
Every mortal I've ever loved,
I have watched get old and die.
I promised myself I wouldn't love again.
And then I met you.
Your heart is so pure, Cam.
Really?
No matter how I feel or how
you feel, it's impossible.
I knew the more attached you got,
there was gonna be a day where
I'd have to push you away.
Why?
'Cause I'm a fucking vampire, Cameron.
There's that.
I'm sorry.
So what happens now?
It's time for me to move on.
Think things here have
gotten too complicated.
I don't want you to go.
I know.
So what happens now?
Are you okay?
What do you care?
I don't, I'm just here
to answer any questions,
now that you know.
Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't know until I saw
her and once I did, I...
I knew that you wouldn't believe me.
I wish I never met you.
This has nothing to do with you.
At least now you know why.
Why what?
Why she's going to die.
I won't let you hurt her.
Because she gave you a kiss?
Because she told you she loves you?
Don't be a fool, Cameron,
she's incapable of love.
I don't believe you.
It doesn't matter.
Tonight, I will finally get my vengeance
and there is nothing
that you can do about it.
I won't let you.
Your passion is sweet.
Don't let it get in the way.
Think about how your parents
would feel childless.
Now you're gonna help me one final time.
Where are you going?
My parents don't know you're here.
They went out.
What?
How do you know?
So where are they?
Dinner and a movie.
I told your dad to let your mom pick both.
Please just tell me what you're doing
and why all the candles.
We're about to find out
if Diane really loves you.
What?
If she does,
she'll know that you're about to die.
Get out.
I don't know what you did
to me, but it's awesome.
- You're welcome.
- Pew!
Aha, I knew it!
What are you doing here?
I knew that Cameron could
never be with, with you.
You don't know what
you're talking about.
I know that you're a vampire.
You're turning all your
little friends into vampires.
Do you?
And I'm gonna tell everyone.
Oh, bro, you fucked up.
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, no.
You don't have to do this.
I've waited 200 years for this night.
What happens if she doesn't show up?
Cameron.
- Diane, run.
- Whoa.
You don't need to hurt him.
I have no interest in hurting Cameron.
He's actually been very helpful.
It's you that I want.
I know who you are.
Then you know
that I'm here to kill you.
Doh!
Whoa.
You took the man I love
and you cursed my life.
You don't know the whole story.
Only one of us leaves here alive.
You're trying my patience, Cameron.
If you're gonna kill me, then just do it.
I will not beg for my life from you.
Not until you know the truth.
My master was vicious.
He ruled our clan into a
pack of murderous vagrants.
I met your master when
he was passing through.
He told me all about you and your clan.
I told him how I was
forced to serve my master.
He convinced me to join
your clan, and I accepted.
He gave me his blood, your blood.
When my master found out,
they tracked us down and they killed him.
I fled, as far as I could get away.
I'm sorry, there's no
way that I could've known.
I know.
We're the last of our
clan, blood sisters.
Blood lovers.
Hot.
We can rebuild our family.
I don't know what just happened,
but it was awesome, yeah!
So what now?
Were you really gonna kill
me if Diane didn't show up?
There was no way that she
wasn't gonna come and save you.
If you hadn't met me,
would you have found her?
Sorta lucky, staying next door
and me seeing you undress.
Were you staying next door because of me,
it was all planned out?
Almost, I didn't really plan
on you rejecting my seduction.
It's never really happened before.
It wasn't you.
You love her.
I did have fun killing
bad vampires with you.
Me too.
Bye, Cam.
Hey,
what happened to Miss Carpenter?
Well, she's gonna be just fine.
Better than ever, actually.
Hi.
I still don't understand
why you have to leave.
It's time for me to move on.
Things have gotten too
complicated for me here.
I don't want you to go.
I know.
But you have to move on too.
It just sucks.
You have a whole
amazing life ahead of you.
We could have an amazing life.
We can't, it's not possible.
But I will see you again.
When?
When you need me most, I'll be there.
Hey, Cam.
So, uh...
I'm a vampire now.
I can see that.
Yeah, and you know here,
someone's gonna have to
watch over the store, so,
tell Liz the job is hers.
You got it.
Hey, guys, can I come?
Come on.
Yeah, oh my god.
Mother, Father.
Ah.
- Sit.
- I have somewhere to be.
You're not going anywhere
till you have something real.
Raisins.
It's been three weeks, got any plans?
Yep.
Really?
That's great, you wanna share the news?
I'm gonna be a writer.
Sweetie, English wasn't
one of your best subjects.
Almost didn't graduate high school
because you can't spell.
But it's storytelling, not high school.
He's right, software can help him
with all that grammar stuff.
You're 20 years old, what
are you gonna write about?
Vampires.
- Vampires?
- Vampires.
Lesbian vampires.
All right, I'm late.
You really shouldn't be
riding your bike in the rain.
I'll see you tonight.
Would you read a book
about lesbian vampires?
No.
But I'd watch the movie.
Hey, can I talk to you for a moment?
Go away, Cameron.
I'm sorry, I know what I did was shitty,
but if you just give me a few moments,
I can, I can explain everything.
I'll give you 30 seconds
and if I don't like your story,
I never wanna see you again.
Okay.
Clock started.
Oh, okay, so the girl next door,
she was actually a vampire
and she was here to kill
all these other vampires
that had killed her master, lover,
I didn't really get all the details.
But she really wanted me to help.
And I didn't really wanna help her,
but my dad insisted I did,
and I was like, okay, okay,
and then I had to help her, and then,
okay, for the next few nights,
we were killing all these vampires, right?
We were shootin' 'em,
we were killin' 'em.
And then, and then
on top of that, Martin,
he was actually also a
vampire, crazy, right?
But he was, he was into Diane.
Then, then, then they were starting
- to fight each other...
- Okay.
I'll give you a D for honesty.
Um, I'll give you an F
for how you treated me.
Yeah.
But I'll give you a
B plus for that story.
Sounds like you really put some
thought into that bullshit.
It was all true.
You coming in?
It's raining pretty hard out here.
Okay.
That I found you
Don't want another, yeah,
don't want another but
I'm still trying not to jump to
Swim to the others,
walk back to my mother
And I'm just
So that I don't want
another, why even bother
That I found you
Don't want another,
yeah, don't want another
And I fall into you
I can't wait until I get the room
Yeah, I don't want a
Category:Transcripts