Holy Lord Xi Jinping

Holy Lord Xi Jinping is the first episode in the first season of Shanghai SquarePants.
==Plot==
Nickelodeon executives pitch SpongeBob SquarePants but get banned by the Communist Party of China. In return, to keep the revenue flowing, Chinese executives ask for a highly censored counterpart. But, of course, the Nick executives had other plans.
==Transcript==
IN GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA
Nick Executive #1: So I hear the Chinese market will give you 2 billion dollars without taxes if we're lucky–
CTV Exective: WELCOME TO GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC, WHERE CHINA FIRST IS MUST!
Nick Executive #2: Oh holy shit, didn't know you were there man.
CTV Executive: HOW SHALL WE BEGIN CONTRACT SIGNING?
Nick Executive #1: How much the contract be tho?
CTV Executive: IT ALL FREE AS LONG AS MORALS OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC EXPRESSED IN PROGRAM!
Nick Executive #1: Well, I mean it's a kids show, I guess it has good morals.
(CTV Assistant hands paper to Nick executives.)
Nick Executive #2: (reading) must include references to Chinese Communist Party morals and no reference freedom of speech, human rights violations, extrajudicial killings–
Nick Executive #1: On what communist wasteland do you think we'd agree to this? Oh, nevermind.
CTV Executive: WE ONLY AIR UNDER CONDITION APPLIED!
Nick Executive #2: But–
CTV Executive: DO YOU WANT 2 BILLION DOLLAR REVENUE OR NOT? REVISE SERIES YOU WILL!
Nick Executive #1: Fuck, I mean it's two billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: We're not stopping that low, man.
Nick Executive #1: Leave it to me, we'll be getting those 2 billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: How?
Nick Executive #1: Watch and learn.
[Two weeks later, back in GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC]
Nick Executive #2: Here man, the full seson, revised.
CTV Executive: (plays tape)
---
Are you ready háizimen?
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
I can't hear you!
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
Oooohh,
Who lives in a take-out box on the sea floor?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves pirating movies and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves his brainwashing and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
A strong Chinese army is something you wish?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Then stop asking questions, and get back to work!
---
CTV Executive: WHAT IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS CHAIRMAN MAO–
(CTV Executive gets shot down by the Nick executive as the series gets automatically aired across GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC passing GLORIOUS REPUBLIC CENSORSHIP)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, what a glorious morning in Eastern Shanghai in prosperous people's republic!
(whiffs pollution out window)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, progress! I must pray to Holy Lord Xi Jinping before I start my day!
(heads to picture of Xi above his bed and prays to it)
Comrade SquarePants: On my way to work at brand new Levi Jeans sweatshop– i mean factory! But first, check if Comrade Patrick has done his duties to people's republic!
Comrade Patrick: Greetings, Comrade.
Comrade SquarePants: Have you done your duties to people's republic?
Comrade Patrick: Why would I pray to Xi?
(General Xiao veers closer as he hears this)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think you should say that about glorious holy lord!
Comrade Patrick: I make read on American website Google that we make human right abuses, which is contradict the morals of People's Party.
(Genereal Xiao veers even closer)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uhhhh, I need to get to work now, bye! (runs to not get caught by General Xiao)
General Xiao: (to Patrick) Now, you come with me.
Comrade Patrick: Wait, I haven't checked American PornHub yet!
General Xiao: You won't get GLORIOUS CHINESE PORNHUB either if you don't go with me!
[Meanwhile, at Levi Jeans factory]
Comrade SpongeBob: Good day in beautiful people's republic inspector Krabs!
Inspector Krabs: Get to work! China won't be rich if we don't import jeans to west!
Comrade SpongeBob: I'm on it, anything for glorious China!
[Cut to China government in real life.]
President Xi: Oh Jesus Christ.
Vice President: Sir, China does not believe in Jesu–
[Episode ends with a gunshot heard.]
Comrade SpongeBob: HAIL GLORIOUS CHINA!	
Nickelodeon executives pitch SpongeBob SquarePants but get banned by the Communist Party of China. In return, to keep the revenue flowing, Chinese executives ask for a highly censored counterpart. But, of course, the Nick executives had other plans.
==Transcript==
IN GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA
Nick Executive #1: So I hear the Chinese market will give you 2 billion dollars without taxes if we're lucky–
CTV Exective: WELCOME TO GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC, WHERE CHINA FIRST IS MUST!
Nick Executive #2: Oh holy shit, didn't know you were there man.
CTV Executive: HOW SHALL WE BEGIN CONTRACT SIGNING?
Nick Executive #1: How much the contract be tho?
CTV Executive: IT ALL FREE AS LONG AS MORALS OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC EXPRESSED IN PROGRAM!
Nick Executive #1: Well, I mean it's a kids show, I guess it has good morals.
(CTV Assistant hands paper to Nick executives.)
Nick Executive #2: (reading) must include references to Chinese Communist Party morals and no reference freedom of speech, human rights violations, extrajudicial killings–
Nick Executive #1: On what communist wasteland do you think we'd agree to this? Oh, nevermind.
CTV Executive: WE ONLY AIR UNDER CONDITION APPLIED!
Nick Executive #2: But–
CTV Executive: DO YOU WANT 2 BILLION DOLLAR REVENUE OR NOT? REVISE SERIES YOU WILL!
Nick Executive #1: Fuck, I mean it's two billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: We're not stopping that low, man.
Nick Executive #1: Leave it to me, we'll be getting those 2 billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: How?
Nick Executive #1: Watch and learn.
[Two weeks later, back in GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC]
Nick Executive #2: Here man, the full seson, revised.
CTV Executive: (plays tape)
---
Are you ready háizimen?
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
I can't hear you!
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
Oooohh,
Who lives in a take-out box on the sea floor?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves pirating movies and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves his brainwashing and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
A strong Chinese army is something you wish?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Then stop asking questions, and get back to work!
---
CTV Executive: WHAT IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS CHAIRMAN MAO–
(CTV Executive gets shot down by the Nick executive as the series gets automatically aired across GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC passing GLORIOUS REPUBLIC CENSORSHIP)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, what a glorious morning in Eastern Shanghai in prosperous people's republic!
(whiffs pollution out window)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, progress! I must pray to Holy Lord Xi Jinping before I start my day!
(heads to picture of Xi above his bed and prays to it)
Comrade SquarePants: On my way to work at brand new Levi Jeans sweatshop– i mean factory! But first, check if Comrade Patrick has done his duties to people's republic!
Comrade Patrick: Greetings, Comrade.
Comrade SquarePants: Have you done your duties to people's republic?
Comrade Patrick: Why would I pray to Xi?
(General Xiao veers closer as he hears this)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think you should say that about glorious holy lord!
Comrade Patrick: I make read on American website Google that we make human right abuses, which is contradict the morals of People's Party.
(Genereal Xiao veers even closer)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uhhhh, I need to get to work now, bye! (runs to not get caught by General Xiao)
General Xiao: (to Patrick) Now, you come with me.
Comrade Patrick: Wait, I haven't checked American PornHub yet!
General Xiao: You won't get GLORIOUS CHINESE PORNHUB either if you don't go with me!
[Meanwhile, at Levi Jeans factory]
Comrade SpongeBob: Good day in beautiful people's republic inspector Krabs!
Inspector Krabs: Get to work! China won't be rich if we don't import jeans to west!
Comrade SpongeBob: I'm on it, anything for glorious China!
[Cut to China government in real life.]
President Xi: Oh Jesus Christ.
Vice President: Sir, China does not believe in Jesu–
[Episode ends with a gunshot heard.]
Comrade SpongeBob: HAIL GLORIOUS CHINA!	
Nickelodeon executives pitch SpongeBob SquarePants but get banned by the Communist Party of China. In return, to keep the revenue flowing, Chinese executives ask for a highly censored counterpart. But, of course, the Nick executives had other plans.
==Transcript==
IN GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA
Nick Executive #1: So I hear the Chinese market will give you 2 billion dollars without taxes if we're lucky–
CTV Exective: WELCOME TO GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC, WHERE CHINA FIRST IS MUST!
Nick Executive #2: Oh holy shit, didn't know you were there man.
CTV Executive: HOW SHALL WE BEGIN CONTRACT SIGNING?
Nick Executive #1: How much the contract be tho?
CTV Executive: IT ALL FREE AS LONG AS MORALS OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC EXPRESSED IN PROGRAM!
Nick Executive #1: Well, I mean it's a kids show, I guess it has good morals.
(CTV Assistant hands paper to Nick executives.)
Nick Executive #2: (reading) must include references to Chinese Communist Party morals and no reference freedom of speech, human rights violations, extrajudicial killings–
Nick Executive #1: On what communist wasteland do you think we'd agree to this? Oh, nevermind.
CTV Executive: WE ONLY AIR UNDER CONDITION APPLIED!
Nick Executive #2: But–
CTV Executive: DO YOU WANT 2 BILLION DOLLAR REVENUE OR NOT? REVISE SERIES YOU WILL!
Nick Executive #1: Fuck, I mean it's two billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: We're not stopping that low, man.
Nick Executive #1: Leave it to me, we'll be getting those 2 billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: How?
Nick Executive #1: Watch and learn.
[Two weeks later, back in GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC]
Nick Executive #2: Here man, the full seson, revised.
CTV Executive: (plays tape)
---
Are you ready háizimen?
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
I can't hear you!
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
Oooohh,
Who lives in a take-out box on the sea floor?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves pirating movies and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves his brainwashing and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
A strong Chinese army is something you wish?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Then stop asking questions, and get back to work!
---
CTV Executive: WHAT IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS CHAIRMAN MAO–
(CTV Executive gets shot down by the Nick executive as the series gets automatically aired across GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC passing GLORIOUS REPUBLIC CENSORSHIP)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, what a glorious morning in Eastern Shanghai in prosperous people's republic!
(whiffs pollution out window)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, progress! I must pray to Holy Lord Xi Jinping before I start my day!
(heads to picture of Xi above his bed and prays to it)
Comrade SquarePants: On my way to work at brand new Levi Jeans sweatshop– i mean factory! But first, check if Comrade Patrick has done his duties to people's republic!
Comrade Patrick: Greetings, Comrade.
Comrade SquarePants: Have you done your duties to people's republic?
Comrade Patrick: Why would I pray to Xi?
(General Xiao veers closer as he hears this)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think you should say that about glorious holy lord!
Comrade Patrick: I make read on American website Google that we make human right abuses, which is contradict the morals of People's Party.
(Genereal Xiao veers even closer)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uhhhh, I need to get to work now, bye! (runs to not get caught by General Xiao)
General Xiao: (to Patrick) Now, you come with me.
Comrade Patrick: Wait, I haven't checked American PornHub yet!
General Xiao: You won't get GLORIOUS CHINESE PORNHUB either if you don't go with me!
[Meanwhile, at Levi Jeans factory]
Comrade SpongeBob: Good day in beautiful people's republic inspector Krabs!
Inspector Krabs: Get to work! China won't be rich if we don't import jeans to west!
Comrade SpongeBob: I'm on it, anything for glorious China!
[Cut to China government in real life.]
President Xi: Oh Jesus Christ.
Vice President: Sir, China does not believe in Jesu–
[Episode ends with a gunshot heard.]
Comrade SpongeBob: HAIL GLORIOUS CHINA!	
Nickelodeon executives pitch SpongeBob SquarePants but get banned by the Communist Party of China. In return, to keep the revenue flowing, Chinese executives ask for a highly censored counterpart. But, of course, the Nick executives had other plans.
==Transcript==
IN GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA
Nick Executive #1: So I hear the Chinese market will give you 2 billion dollars without taxes if we're lucky–
CTV Exective: WELCOME TO GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC, WHERE CHINA FIRST IS MUST!
Nick Executive #2: Oh holy shit, didn't know you were there man.
CTV Executive: HOW SHALL WE BEGIN CONTRACT SIGNING?
Nick Executive #1: How much the contract be tho?
CTV Executive: IT ALL FREE AS LONG AS MORALS OF PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC EXPRESSED IN PROGRAM!
Nick Executive #1: Well, I mean it's a kids show, I guess it has good morals.
(CTV Assistant hands paper to Nick executives.)
Nick Executive #2: (reading) must include references to Chinese Communist Party morals and no reference freedom of speech, human rights violations, extrajudicial killings–
Nick Executive #1: On what communist wasteland do you think we'd agree to this? Oh, nevermind.
CTV Executive: WE ONLY AIR UNDER CONDITION APPLIED!
Nick Executive #2: But–
CTV Executive: DO YOU WANT 2 BILLION DOLLAR REVENUE OR NOT? REVISE SERIES YOU WILL!
Nick Executive #1: Fuck, I mean it's two billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: We're not stopping that low, man.
Nick Executive #1: Leave it to me, we'll be getting those 2 billion dollars.
Nick Executive #2: How?
Nick Executive #1: Watch and learn.
[Two weeks later, back in GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC]
Nick Executive #2: Here man, the full seson, revised.
CTV Executive: (plays tape)
---
Are you ready háizimen?
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
I can't hear you!
Aye, aye, honorable chairman!
Oooohh,
Who lives in a take-out box on the sea floor?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves pirating movies and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Loves his brainwashing and always wants more?
Shanghai SquarePants!
A strong Chinese army is something you wish?
Shanghai SquarePants!
Then stop asking questions, and get back to work!
---
CTV Executive: WHAT IN THE NAME OF GLORIOUS CHAIRMAN MAO–
(CTV Executive gets shot down by the Nick executive as the series gets automatically aired across GLORIOUS PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC passing GLORIOUS REPUBLIC CENSORSHIP)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, what a glorious morning in Eastern Shanghai in prosperous people's republic!
(whiffs pollution out window)
Comrade SquarePants: Ah, progress! I must pray to Holy Lord Xi Jinping before I start my day!
(heads to picture of Xi above his bed and prays to it)
Comrade SquarePants: On my way to work at brand new Levi Jeans sweatshop– i mean factory! But first, check if Comrade Patrick has done his duties to people's republic!
Comrade Patrick: Greetings, Comrade.
Comrade SquarePants: Have you done your duties to people's republic?
Comrade Patrick: Why would I pray to Xi?
(General Xiao veers closer as he hears this)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uh, I don't think you should say that about glorious holy lord!
Comrade Patrick: I make read on American website Google that we make human right abuses, which is contradict the morals of People's Party.
(Genereal Xiao veers even closer)
Comrade SpongeBob: Uhhhh, I need to get to work now, bye! (runs to not get caught by General Xiao)
General Xiao: (to Patrick) Now, you come with me.
Comrade Patrick: Wait, I haven't checked American PornHub yet!
General Xiao: You won't get GLORIOUS CHINESE PORNHUB either if you don't go with me!
[Meanwhile, at Levi Jeans factory]
Comrade SpongeBob: Good day in beautiful people's republic inspector Krabs!
Inspector Krabs: Get to work! China won't be rich if we don't import jeans to west!
Comrade SpongeBob: I'm on it, anything for glorious China!
[Cut to China government in real life.]
President Xi: Oh Jesus Christ.
Vice President: Sir, China does not believe in Jesu–
[Episode ends with a gunshot heard.]
Comrade SpongeBob: HAIL GLORIOUS CHINA!
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