Episode 523: Linda Ronstadt/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 523: Linda Ronstadt.
==Cold open==
 	Pops reads the comics and giggles. Linda enters with a suitcase.
Pops 	Who are you?
Linda	I'm Linda Ronstadt. I'm gonna be the guest on your show.
Pops 	Oh yeah! Linda Ronstadt! Oh, Kermit said to roll out the red carpet for ya!
 	She notices a giant hole in the carpet.
Linda	Got a little moth problem here?
Pops 	No, a big moth problem.
 	A giant moth flies by.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Linda Ronstadt! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, white sparks fly out.
Gonzo 	Popcorn!
==Opening act / Backstage==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, wearing a dapper suit.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And you picked a great show not to miss, because our guest star is one of the great singers of all time, Miss Linda Ronstadt! (audience cheers) Yes! But first, let's get things started with Bugsy Salsipueda and his hypnotized horse!
 	
 	Bugsy and his horse take the stage. Bugsy dangles a watch in front of the horse. Meanwhile, backstage, Gonzo and Scooter lug a steamer trunk.
Scooter 	This sure is heavy.
 	
Gonzo 	(grunts) It should be! It contains my entire fungus collection. (opens it)
Scooter 	(flatly) Terrific.
Gonzo 	Oh no! We forgot the mildew!
 	He runs off with Scooter, bumping into Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Will you — please watch it?! (looks in the trunk) Yuchhh!
 	Kermit straightens his outfit while looking in the mirror.
Miss Piggy	Kermie! Kermie?
Kermit 	Hey, is she here yet?
Miss Piggy	Kermie. You're all dressed up.
 	
Kermit 	Well, of course. Linda Ronstadt is our guest.
Miss Piggy	Oh. Yes, the uh, ahem, girl singer.
Kermit 	(nods) Oh, I just can't wait to meet her. She is terrific! And besides that, she's a real foxy lady.
Miss Piggy	Foxy lady?
Kermit 	Uh, excuse me, I gotta get the flowers I ordered. (walks off)
Miss Piggy	Flowers? (hides her face) Oh, good grief, it's what's-her-name Ronstadt.
 	Linda comes out of her dressing room.
Linda 	Hi, Miss Piggy. Have you seen Kermit?
Miss Piggy	(giggles) Many times, dear.
Linda 	(comes downstairs) I've never met him and … well, I'm such a fan of his.
Miss Piggy	Oh, are you really, now? Heh.
 	
Linda 	Oh, there's something about him, well, he's … oh, he's just so earnest.
Miss Piggy	Uh huh. (leads her away) Um, uh, dear, uh, Kermit just might be behind stage, y'know, why don't you have a look over there, ahah, and you can put on the rest of your clothes. (grunts) Time for decisive action!
 	Kermit emerges with the flowers.
Kermit 	Oh, Linda? I got some flow-AAH!
 	Piggy throws him in the steamer trunk and locks it.
Miss Piggy	That should be decisive enough. (exits)
Kermit 	(from inside the trunk) Help? Help! Help!
=="Blue Bayou"==
 	
 	On stage, the horse dangles the watch in front of the hypnotized Bugsy and snickers. Piggy shoos them away as a fanfare plays, then drags the Swedish Chef onstage.
Miss Piggy 	Get off! Off! Get off! Get off!
 	
Miss Piggy 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, Kermit has asked a friend of his to introduce … what's-her-face. Ahem. (exits)
Swedish Chef	Uh … (mock Swedish) … Lïndå Rønstådt! (waves hands) Yååååÿy!
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 	The curtain opens on a cabin in the middle of a swamp. Floyd, Janice, Animal, Zeke and some frogs accompany Linda as she sings "Blue Bayou".
Waldorf 	Oh, I thought that bayou number was okay, didn't you?
Statler 	Well, it's okay by me if it's okay bayou!
 	They chuckle.
==The Swedish Chef / Muppet newsflash==
 	Open on the Chef, with a champagne bottle on the table. He plays with a glass as he sings.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the glass away, and addresses the bottle.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de bübblÿ-bübblÿ! (mock Swedish) de fïrstÿ, pøppën de cørkën.
 	
 	He struggles to open the bottle. Finally, the cork propels him into the air. Fade to the newsroom.
Newsman 	Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Local citizens have reported the sighting of an unidentified flying object. When last seen, it was directly over the Muppet newsroom.
 	
 	PLOP! The Chef falls on the newsman.
=="The Cat Came Back"==
 	Rowlf plays the banjo and sings. A terrier in the house behind him plays the fiddle.
 	
Rowlf 	
Little Bennie had a cat that they wouldn't let him keep,
So he put her up for sale at a price he thought was cheap.
 	
Rowlf 	
He took her to a neighbor to ask him for advice.
He said…
Neighbor 	Leave the kitty here. She can help me with the mice.
 	He takes Gaffer away, and she walks back to the porch.
Rowlf 	
But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day.
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
 	Rover Joe pulls up in a yellow truck and drives off with Gaffer.
Rowlf 	
Then Bennie met a man who was driving way out West.
He would take the cat along as a special honored guest.
The steering wheel was wobbly, he drove into a tree …
 	crash
Rowlf 	The car was just a total wreck as anyone could see …
But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day.
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
 	A cannon is rolled into view.
Rowlf 	
So Bennie bought a gun from the Human Cannonball.
He put the cat inside with Tri-Nitro Toluol.
When he pulled the trigger, the cannon made a roar.
 	Explosion.
Rowlf 	The neighbors all surrendered 'cause they thought it was a war …
Neighbors 	(waving white flags) We surrender! We surrender! …
Rowlf & neighbors	
But the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day.
Rowlf 	
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
Last verse, here we go.
 	A dog gives Gaffer a bomb with a lit fuse.
Rowlf 	
Little Bennie gave the cat to a man who had a bomb.
When he took the cat away, she was acting cool and calm.
And then the bomb exploded, it made an awful sound…
 	Explosion. The house blows up.
Rowlf 	They looked and looked for ages and the man was never found.
Buuuuut the cat came back, she wouldn't stay away.
She was sitting on the porch the very next day. Sing!
Rowlf & neighbors	
The cat came back, she didn't want to roam.
The very next day it was Home, Sweet Home.
Rowlf 	Very nice.
 	Applause.
Waldorf 	Woof woof!
Statler 	Meow.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Rowlf leads Gaffer and the dogs backstage.
Scooter 	Well, I see the cat came back.
Rowlf 	Well, we all came back. That's 'cause the number's over. C'mon, cat — whoa! Whooaaa!
 	Linda comes downstairs, fully dressed.
Linda 	Kermit? Kermit? Have you seen Kermit?
Scooter 	Well, no. But it's not like him to leave. I'll look for him for you. Uh, but don't touch that trunk. It's full of fungus. (runs off)
Linda 	Yuchh! Thanks for the warning. Kermit?
Kermit 	(from inside the trunk) Let me outta here.
 	She opens the trunk and he gasps for air. She holds her nose.
Linda 	Eww. You're not fungus.
Kermit 	(sniffs) I'm sorry about the smell.
Linda 	You're Kermit the Frog!
Kermit 	Oh — oh, Linda! I'm so glad you're doing the show!
Linda 	Oh, I'm so pleased to be here.
Kermit 	Oh, good! You know, I, I got some uh, I got some flowers for you … darn, they got crushed.
 	She sits down as music swells up.
Linda 	Aww. Nothing wrong with crushes.
Kermit 	Huh?
 	The lights dim. Linda sings.
Linda 	I've got a crush on you …
Kermit 	On me?
Linda 	
… Sweetie pie.
Morning, noon and nighttime, hear me sigh,
The world will pardon my mush…
Kermit 	Um …
 	
Linda 	'Cause I have got a crush … my baby, on you.
 	Applause.
Kermit 	I didn't know you could sing, Linda.
Linda 	Um … maybe I'd better go get dressed for my next number.
Kermit 	Oh.
 	She gives him a kiss and goes upstairs.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, see you later, sweetie.
 	Piggy shuts the trunk.
Miss Piggy	Don't count on it, fungus-face!
==UK spot==
	
	Two terribly depressed Whatnots sing "I'm So Happy" while overrun with cobwebs.
==Dressing room==
 	Linda makes herself up in the mirror. Someone knocks on the door.
Linda 	Is that you, Kermit?
Janice	(enters) No, it's just me. Hi, Linder.
Linda 	Hi, Janice.
Janice	You wanna go over the song?
Linda 	Yeah, I guess so.
Janice	Great.
 	Two backup singers get behind Linda.
Linda 	You haven't seen Kermit, have you?
Janice	No.
Linda 	Well — he was here, but — now I can't seem to find him again.
Janice	Oh, bummer.
Linda 	Well … at least I got his picture.
 	Linda, Janice and the backup singers launch into a rendition of "It's in His Kiss".
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==Lola the Fan Dancer==
Scooter	Well, we still don't have Kermit the Frog, but we do have Lola the fan dancer!
 	
 	The curtain opens on Lola, who dances with two electric fans as burlesque music plays. The fans briefly lift her up to the ceiling, and she falls.
==Backstage==
Scooter 	(through the intercom) Pigs in Space on next.
Linda 	Scooter, have you seen Kermit?
Scooter 	Hmm?
Linda 	I'm still looking for him.
Scooter 	Aren't we all?
Linda 	I thought he liked me.
 	The steamer trunk rattles, knocking over a flower vase.
Linda 	Kermit? Are you still in there? Kermit?
Kermit 	(from inside the trunk) Piggy did this! She locked me in!
Linda 	You've gotta stop doing this!
Scooter 	Pigs in Space on stage!
 	The cast passes by. Linda stops Piggy in her tracks.
Miss Piggy	Watch out, guys …
Linda 	Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy	Hello, Linda dear. Haha.
Linda 	Miss Piggy, you oughta be ashamed of yourself.
Miss Piggy	Uh-oh.
Linda 	Locking Kermit in that trunk?
Miss Piggy	Um … trunk — well, it uh … it's not a trunk. It's a, um … sauna. Yes, it's a sauna. Uh, frogs love it. Dry heat, don't you know.
 	
Scooter 	Piggy, onstage, now!
Miss Piggy	Oh, yes, yes. (wheels the trunk) I'll just take my prop with me. Haha.
Linda 	Scooter, Kermit's in that trunk.
Scooter 	I know, Linda. But the show must go on!
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! As you may remember, the crew of the Swinetrek had captured a deadly battle robot.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! A deadly battle robot! Ohh! I'm so frightened! (sucks his thumb)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Where is the deadly battle robot, Link?
Link Hogthrob 	(points) First Mate Piggy has it!
 	Piggy wheels in the steamer trunk, grunting.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, that's a deadly battle robot?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Looks like a steamer trunk.
Link Hogthrob 	Mmm. (nods)
Miss Piggy 	Um … well, uh, the deadly battle robots often disguise themselves as … steamer trunks.
Link Hogthrob 	Ohh! (cowers, sucking his thumb)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Don't be scared, Captain Link! I will neutralize the deadly battle robot with the Zappo ray! It's Zappo time!
Kermit 	(from inside trunk) No! No! No!
 	
Miss Piggy 	Just a moment! Just a moment. Kermie? Uh, are you going to see Linda Ronstadt again?
Kermit 	Piggy, that's not fair.
Miss Piggy 	It's Zappo time!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Okay!
 	He zaps the trunk as Kermit winces. A hook drags the trunk away.
Miss Piggy 	Ronstadt! (runs off)
Link Hogthrob 	What happened to the deadly battle robot?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I don't know! I must have zapped it into the fifth dimension!
Link Hogthrob 	(nods) Oh, thank you.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Don’t di-mention it! (they both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	Piggy and Linda have a tug-of-war with the trunk.
Miss Piggy	No — please don't take my frog away! (grunts)
Linda 	I'm taking him to a locksmith!
Miss Piggy	Hah! Love laughs at locksmiths! Ha ha ha ha ha!
 	
Linda 	Wait a minute. Are you actually trying to tell me you're in love with Kermit?
Miss Piggy	(sincerely) Linda … I love my frog more than life itself. I love him more than sunshine and laughter. I love him more than …
Linda 	More than chocolate cookies with white stuff in the middle?
Miss Piggy	Linda … I do love Kermie.
Linda 	(hugs her) Oh, Piggy …
Miss Piggy	I do! I do!
Kermit 	Uh, hey guys, yoo-hoo…
Miss Piggy	Oh! Kermie! Kermie, um, uh, here's a key. (hands it to Linda) Here's a key. Take it. We're coming!
Linda 	Listen, Piggy, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm gonna dedicate our final duet to just you and Kermit.
 	She opens the trunk, and he gasps for air.
Miss Piggy	Oh!
Linda 	I wouldn't take your frog from you. C'mon, Kermit.
Miss Piggy	What?
=="When I Grow Too Old to Dream"==
 	On stage, Rowlf plays a fanfare on the piano as Linda emerges to applause.
Kermit	Um, okay, yeah, we'll talk about that later, Miss Piggy.
Linda 	Oh, Kermit. Thanks for singing this song for me. Even though I know your heart still belongs to Piggy.
Kermit	Well, you may know that, a-and Piggy may know that, but … the vote's not in yet from the frog.
Linda 	Well … it's been nice being with you. Even if it's only been for a little while.
 	
 	They sing a duet of "When I Grow Too Old to Dream", later joined by the other Muppets. Piggy watches from the wings, and Rizzo sobs.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, we've just about come to the end of another one, and I'm sorry I didn't get to see more of it because our guest star has been the very talented, the very beautiful, Miss LINDA RONSTADT! YAAAAYY!
 	Applause.
Linda 	And it's been fun singing with the very cute, and the very green, Kermit the Frog.
Kermit 	Aww! Thank you. A-and by the way, thank you, could I have a good night kiss? (puckers up)
Linda 	Do you think we should? I mean … Miss Piggy …
Kermit 	Oh. Well, don't worry about Miss Piggy, because I've taken care of her. She will cause us no problem.
 	Piggy, locked in the steamer trunk, hobbles onstage.
Miss Piggy	(grunts)
Kermit 	Uh, just try to ignore that, Linda. Now how about that kiss?
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH!
 	
Linda 	Maybe we'd better just shake hands and say goodnight.
Kermit 	(nods) You got it, kid. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	Piggy knocks him over from within the trunk. The Muppets gather around Linda as the credits roll.
Statler 	I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't watched it!
Waldorf 	Believe what?
Statler 	I don't know. I wasn't watching.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts