Everfroze: Or How the Heck Tox Found Snowcrest

“	"idk i found the jokes very childish...imo it too long and seemed to repeat alot"	”
 	—Paul's review 	—Paul's review
Everfroze: Or how the Heck Tox Found Snowcrest was a book written by Tox during the Fourth Era.
It was a satirical retelling of his participation in the Search for Snowcrest, portraying himself as a helpless doofus who discovered Snowcrest only by accident and was granted the rank of Explorer by Acey merely out of pity.
=Locations=
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===Fourth Era===
*Tox's Tomes
===Fourth Era—Present===
*Remembrance on Mnemosyne
===Eleventh Era===
*Novigrad Library
=Content=
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There I was, relaxing on my secluded tropical island, listening to the lovely rhythm of music disc 11. Despite the sweltering heat I flung a snowball at my handyman, as the idle rich are wont to do.
“When I flip the switch,” Zerg rambled, “the overflow gets moved through the pipe to my base.”
It's hard to find quiet handymen these days.
“You going to help or just lay there?”
Okay, so he's not my handyman—that's Zerg, my nearest neighbor, my closest confidant, oldest of my surviving allies. We like to do projects together. I watch while he plans out a design. I watch while he gathers the materials. Then I watch while he builds it.
That's why our partnership works. He's the peanut butter, and the jelly, and I guess he's the bread, too. But I'm the guy who takes a few bites and says, “damn, that's a fine sammich.”
“I'm bored,” I yawned. “Gonna head into town.”
I went down to my rail depot.
“So, who wants to go to Summergate?”
They didn't reply, probably because they're minecarts. But I could feel their excitement, the four of them—Eeny, Meeny, Miner, and Moe.
I hopped into Miner and started the ten kilometer lazy ride south. Not having Zerg's babble to annoy me, I dozed off and awoke to find I'd missed my turnoff and ended up in the basement of my other neighbor, Sprankles.
Good man, even if he was a known cannibal.
“'lo Sprankles!”
“Hello! Have you heard the news?”
I hadn't, but you can't admit that, so I lied.
“The news? Oh yes, of course! The news!”
“It's exciting! I can't wait to see Snowcrest.”
“Mmhmm,” I agreed vaguely. “No doubt.”
“There's going to be an announcement at the church.”
It sure was hot in here. How could he stand it? 
“Um. Your minecart is on fire.”
"Yeah, he's a bit of a showboat, but gets you where you're going when it counts."
"It's literally on fire."
I looked down. The man had a point. I leapt out, slightly scorched and rather embarassed. I scolded Miner, gave him a stern spankin', and sent him home along the rails without supper. Sprankles looked puzzled.
“He's not allowed to smoke. He's a Miner,” I explained.
“You went a long way for that joke.”
“About 10k, yeah.”
“No, I mean—never mind.”
By the time we arrived the church was filled with our fellow residents, a diverse bunch of butlers, janitors, chamber maids, landscapers, and chauffeurs. Even a few handymen.
Snowcrest, ol' Spranks had said. Interesting. Perhaps to truly understand what Snowcrest is, you gotta look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words—“snowc” and “rest”. What's a snowc and why's it gotta rest? That's a mystery and so is Snowcrest.
Intrexovert, right hand of Eris herself, stepped up to the pulpit and the commotion died down in anticipation of an epic speech.
“Acey made a new town. It's south of here. I was there first. Suck it bitches.”
He didn't have a mic to drop, so he just threw a splash potion of poison into the first few rows of the crowd and then vanished in a cloud of bats.
The crowd erupted into excited chatter again until Sprankles got our attention.
“I've heard Acey talking. She says that Snowcrest is in the land of Everfroze, a few days journey from here. There's supposed to be wondrous treasures there. We should work together to find it!”
Heh. Nice try, pal. That treasure is mine. I worked my way around the room, finally running into a fella with extra melanin and a gold chain.
“What it do?” Retro asked.
“I'm looking for Snowcrest,” I replied. “You?”
“Just waiting for everybody clear out so I can perform a marriage.”
“Who's getting hitched?”
“Ibrahana and Panda.”
“Cute couple.”
“Yup.”
“Say, you wanna tag along to the Tox Box and look for it on my map wall?”
“You gonna trap me like one of your French girls?”
“Mayhaps.”
“Eh, sure, why not?”
We crossed the pond to my cabin and descended into the shadowy depths of the Tox Box, doing our best to ignore the screams of the imprisoned newbies who'd yet to starve. We studied the maps for some time. Hoping to impress my visitor, I occasionally said things like “oh indeed” and “fascinating”. But eventually he got bored.
"Any luck?" Retro asked.
“I don't see Snowcrest on here,” I admitted.
“Wait, didn't you make these maps?”
“Yeah...?”
“So if you've never seen Snowcrest, how could it be on a map you made?”
A real thinker on his shoulders, this one. He'd make a good handyman.
I went back home to my tropical isle and told Zerg about the search for Snowcrest, but he wasn't interested. Said once these farms were upgraded we'd have all the treasure we'd ever need.
I laughed. No such thing.
“You know,” Zerg sighed, “I didn't show you this place just so you could sit around not doing anything.”
“And I didn't build this color-changing beacon just so you could stand there and block my view of it,” I shot back. Heh. Gottem.
“You didn't build it. Hyper did.”
“Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man,” I retorted. “Besides, it's still my iron farm.”
“That you inherited from Bearcote.”
Neighbors. Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em. Well, I suppose you could. But Grim would just bring them right back, so why bother? 
I shrugged again, took a bite of a golden apple, and washed it down with a sip from a refreshing regen potion. I didn't need the health, not with the beacon right there, but if you don't wave your wealth in the face of others, what's the point of having it?
“I'm going back into town to look for clues,” I said. “If you can spare me.”
“I'll try to manage,” Zerg muttered without looking up.
I wandered the streets of Summergate looking for useful ideas I could steal and claim as my own.
First I encountered the local newspaperman in Town Hall.
“Aloha, Toby. I'm looking for Snowcrest.”
“Ooh! That's a good headline. 'Tox searches for Snowcrest.' I like it. Thanks!”
He scampered off and I continued on. At the Cake Run I ran into a fishy fella by the name of NeonicDolphin, all flippers and fast times.
“Do you know where Snowcrest is?” I asked.
“Is it a parkour?”
“Not that I know of.”
“BOOORRRING.”
In the upper reaches of Lignum Vitae I found Intrexovert.
“Hi,” I said.
“Sup.”
“Do you know where I can find Snowcrest?”
“Do you know where I can find your mom?”
“That's not very helpful.”
“I heard she's real helpful, if you know what I mean.”
Suddenly we were interrupted by a new arrival.
“hep me were is the uhc”
“Drink this,” Intrexovert told him.
“okey”
The kid suddenly started to levitate. We watched him hover over the tree and eventually fade away into the clouds while he cried hysterically.
“Who died and put you in charge?” I asked Intrexovert.
“Azu and Acey. In that order.”
“Oh. Right.”
At the fountain I saw Zen, deep in thought and talking to himself. A wise chap, my former roommate, and one hell of a handyman. 
“Howdy, Zen. Any idea where I might find Snowcrest?”
“Well,” he pondered, “logically speaking, you should look for cold biomes.”
“Why's that?”
“Snowcrest. Everfroze.”
“I don't follow.”
He shook his head and went back to the fountain, so I moved on. Panda was slandering somebody on the community board.
“Hi Tox! Silent Tom says he already found the location of Snowcrest.”
“Wow. Is it possible to learn this location?”
“Not from a Jedi.”
“What?”
“What?”
In a flash of genius, I left a sign on the board asking, "Anybody know where Snowcrest is?"
I saw Retro at the church and was curious, but he was performing another marriage ceremony, this time for a throuple between Tater, Fluffy, and what appeared to be a hay bale named Lenny. As I turned away, I bumped into Katie.
“Hi Tox! Here you go.” She dropped something at my feet.
“Is this a clue?”
“I mean...it's a potato xD”
“Is that a kind of clue?”
Katie blinked, wondering if I was for real. The silence grew.
“...I have to return some videotapes,” she awkwardly mumbled and ran off quickly.
“Thanks!” I shouted after her as I carefully studied the potato.
“But the potato didn't help me find Snowcrest,” I finished explaining to Zerg, back home again.
“Dood...that's cause it's a potato.”
“Now I'll never find Snowcrest.” I flopped with a sigh into my hammock.
“Why don't you just go south?”
“Go south,” I repeated.
“Yeah, you know, of Summergate. Just grab a hearthstone and start walking.”
“Go south. Of Summergate. Grab hearthstone. Start walking.”
“Alls you need is some food and maybe a boat.”
“Go south. Of Summergate. Grab hearthstone. Start walking. Some food. A boat.”
“Why are you talking like that?”
I chuckled. Zerg may be okay at redstone, but he's sorta slow. 
“I'm taking notes, silly.”
When I got back to Summergate, it was completely deserted. Or very nearly so. Zen was sipping espresso at the cafe.
“Where is everybody?”
“After you left, they all gathered into expeditions and went to find Snowcrest.”
“What about Sprankles?”
“He left only a moment ago. You might still be able to catch him.”
I raced to his compound and shouted:
“SPRAAAAAAAAAAAAAANKKKLEEESSSSS!!!!!”
A head popped out his front door—his son, 0uttaTime.
“...ANKLES...ANKLES...ANKLES…” my voice echoed back at us redundantly.
“He left with Ky, Trance, and Fera.”
I tried to blink away the tears. How could Sprankles leave without me?
“You wanna tag along? I'm going to...” I checked my notes, “go south. Of Summergate. Grab hearthstone. Start walking. Some food. A boat.”
“Nah. I think I'll go down to the crick instead and push squid out of the water until they suffocate.”
Good kid. No handyman future for that one. He goin' places. I bid him farewell and returned to the Tox Box to gather supplies. Grab hearthstone. Some food. A boat.
Go south. But which way is south? A-ha! A compass tells direction, I thought smugly to myself. Even Zerg didn't think of that, which is why he's just a handyman.
I looked at my compass needle. A compass points north.
Go south. I faced away from the needle. Start walking.
So I did.
The days blurred together. I vaulted over snow-capped peaks. Waded through swampy muck. Passed through the jungle's heart of darkness. And crossed a great blue sea...
...and ended up on my tropical isle.
“Is...is this Snowcrest?”
“Wut? No," Zerg said. "Wut?"
"This is supposed to be Snowcrest."
"You okay dood? You're not making any sense."
"I followed my notes. Go south. Of Summergate. Grab hearthstone. Start walking. Some food. A boat.”
"Then how did you end up here?"
"Dunno. I followed my compass. It points north so I went the other way. Go south."
“Dood...compasses don't point north. They point to your bed, which is the Tox Box. How could you not know this by now?”
I blinked. A painfully awkward silence ensued.
"Right. Of course compasses don't point north!" I chuckled as if in on the joke. "I was just kidding. I came here to see if you knew that."
"Sure dood," Zerg replied.
I went back to Summergate to check the community board for answers to my question.
"snowcrest is UP MY ASS"
"i seent it"
"it's a lie like your childhood (YOU'RE ADOPTED)"
"dont trust AC remember the pig men"
While I analyzed this new information, I ran into Zen again. I figured if anybody in Summergate could tell me about Snowcrest, it would be him. Or if not, then some other random person.
"You got any more of them Snowcrest hints?"
"Hmm?" Zen muttered. "Oh, you still haven't found it? Well, isn't that the North Road over there?"
"That's north. Snowcrest is south."
"Yes...which means that way is south."
I flashed a knowing smile. "Dood...compasses don't point north. They point to your bed. How could you not know this by now?"
"That...has nothing to do with what I just said," Zen frowned and walked away. Heh. Gottem.
Having just outsmarted the smartest person in Summergate, I felt a bit cocky and decided to take my chances on the Cake Run. I missed the first jump, fell back to the courtyard fountain, and landed on a bloke with green eyes.
"Good afternoon," he said. "I'm Silent Tom."
"The Silent Tom? The one who found Snowcrest? I thought you'd be...silenter."
"That's not a word, but yes, it's me, Silent Tom."
"So like...could you tell me how to find Snowcrest?"
"Well, you're supposed to find it yourself. It's meant to be an adventure. But that way is south. Have fun!"
Go south. Of Summergate. Grab hearthstone. Start walking. Some food. A boat.
And so my journey began.
Days passed. Months, maybe. Years, even. I was low on health. My food ran out. My hair went gray. The end was nigh.
"Heya, Tox."
Another living soul! I was going to make it after all.
"Did...did I...make it? Is this Snowcrest?"
Ferathmai, my savior, scratched his head. "Nope. This is my villager farm. You're still in Summergate. You can see Town Hall from here."
My journey continued.
Thank the goddess for this boat. The oceans went on into eternity.
I rowed over some strange sunken temple of the old gods and stopped to take a bite of Katie's potato. Some sketchy looking fish folk started circling my boat. 
"Yo. You guys friends with that NeonicDolphin chap? Do you know if Snowcrest is this way?"
They fired laser beams.
"Is that a no?"
They fired more laser beams as my boat slowly capsized.
"Well, I'm gonna tell him you were very rude," I told them as the water reached my neck. "He'll be very disappoint—GLUB GLUB."
I sank under the sea with a smirk. They might think they won, but I knew they'd feel real embarassed about the whole thing later.
I staggered ashore onto a small sandy isle, which was empty except for a wooden chest and a sign.
Hoping it had directions to Snowcrest, I crawled over to read the sign.
"bo an aroe"
Hmm. I studied the cryptic puzzle, searching for hidden meaning. I opened the chest, thinking it might hold a map to Snowcrest. Inside was a wooden bow and a single arrow. 
Incredible. After untold aeons at sea…
I'd finally found Snowcrest! Sprankles had been right. It was full of wondrous treasures! And now they were all mine! I grabbed the bow and arrow with glee. 
Like a victory cheer, I heard my own words echoing on the wind.
"...ANKLES...ANKLES...ANKLES…”
I sat down on the chest to enjoy the end of my quest.
If only there was a way to save the location of Snowcrest and avoid making the long and dangerous voyage again. Some sort of magical stone or something I could use to make this my hearth and home.
Zerg's words all those years ago came back to me. Go south. Of Summergate. Grab hearthstone. 
Right! The hearthstone! I grabbed mine, ignoring the inscribed instructions. They only put those on there so some silly handyman won't try to swallow it.
You just right-click to go home and left-click to set your home. So easy even Zerg could figure it out.
Click.
"Sup dood. You find that new town yet?"
I blinked. Where was I? That voice...so familiar. He was a...bellhop? No, that wasn't right. A valet? Then it hit me and I gasped.
"You okay, Tox? You look like you've seen a ghost."
A handyman!
"Zerg? Is that you, old friend? I thought you'd be dead by now. How many years has it been?"
"Wut? You've been gone 15 minutes."
"Never mind that. I found it! I found Snowcrest!"
"Congrats dood. What treasures did you get?"
I handed him the bow and arrow.
"This bow doesn't have any enchants. You sure this is treasure?"
With a pompous chuckle I explained, "This is no ordinary bow and that's no ordinary arrow. They're the bo an aroe."
"I see. So what're the coords?"
"Cords? Where we're going, we don't need cords. Redstone is wireless."
"First off, no it isn't. Second—coordinates dood. To Snowcrest."
"Uh, well...it's a funny story, actually..."
"You clicked the hearthstone wrong again, didn't you?"
"Pfft. When's the last time I did that?"
"Yesterday. You got stuck in Sprankles' compound and I had to come rescue you. You kept whispering 'What if he eats me??'"
I wasn't really scared. Spranks may be a known cannibal, but I heard he's fed up with people.
"Anyway, I need a boat to get back to Snowcrest."
"I gave you a boat. What happened?"
"That's also a funny story…"
"Did you get too close to guardians again? I told you they're hostile."
"Yes, but you didn't say how hostile. Who isn't friends with NeonicDolphin? Sheesh."
"Take some boats, dood. Then fill up these buckets with milk to get you past the elder guardian."
I already felt better. He's not easy to live with, but Zerg's the finest handyman I've ever met. I walked over to one of his cows, a hefty heifer named Marty.
Marty stared at me. Can you milk a male cow?
"Don't make this weird."
Marty kept staring. 25 buckets of milk later, I had my answer.
My journey continued.
"HA! Gottem!" I laughed as I threw another bucket of milk at the elder guardian circling my boat.
"Why are you dropping milk instead of drinking it?" Someone suddenly asked. I screamed and started stabbing blindly with my sword in the direction of the voice.
Intrexovert stood there with a bored expression as my sword pierced him. He yawned.
"Oh. Hi. Zerg told me it works against elder guardians. See, he's my handyman."
"I bet he gives a real good handy, man."
"I don't know what that means," I replied. "Say, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I found Snowcrest but then I...uh...lost it. See, I found this rare treasure there."
I showed him the bo an aroe.
"You ever try blind-folded archery?" He asked me.
"Nope. Why?"
"You don't know what you're missing."
He handed the bow back. I saw it was now enchanted with Infinity! I started to thank him for his generosity but he just laughed and dissapeared in a burst of bats. 
...with my only arrow. You know, I was beginning to doubt that man's qualifications for his job.
Then my boat began to sink, obliterated by the elder guardian.
I staggered ashore onto a small sandy isle, which was empty except for a wooden chest and a sign.
Hoping it had directions to Snowcrest, I crawled over to read the sign.
"bo an aroe"
Oh, right! This was Snowcrest! I excitedly opened the chest, hoping to find an arrow for my Infinity bo. Instead, I found a scrap of paper.
"LOL this aint snowcrest. but you're close. keep going south. --intrex"
You know, I always had faith in that man's qualifications for his job. Acey's top handyman.
Go south. Which way was south?
Of Summergate. Which way was Summergate?
Start walking. Walk where? I was on a deserted isle.
Some food. The only food I had was buckets of milk.
A boat. I wish.
My journey continued.
I swam and swam. My body ached. My skin stung. My teeth tickled.
By now I was even fishier than NeonicDolphin. I wouldn't even need to throw milk buckets at elder guardians. At this point I was an elder guardian. I wondered if I should even waste my time with Snowcrest or just paddle around trying to laser fools.
No. Zerg was counting on me. I swam on.
I wasn't worried that I was going in the wrong direction. Zerg insists the world is flat, but educated folk know it's round. So even if I'm headed north, sooner or later I'll swing around and be going south! It's foolproof.
After a while, it started to snow.
Snow…it seemed like that should be significant somehow. Hmm. I shrugged. It'd come to me eventually.
Then I spotted land!
Well, more of an iceberg. Or an ice floe. An ice cube, really. But it was progress. As I swam, the cubes got bigger. Some of them might be considered ice floes. Maybe even icebergs.
White shores loomed ahead. I waded ashore, soaked, wishing I had worn something warmer than my leather tropical island swim trunks sewn by Ky, a veteran handyman and a damn fine seamstress. 
The snow crested (hmm...) on the horizon as I walked on. At this rate I had to be closing in on Gimpley's Top Survivor record. And with each day came more layers of snow to trundle through.
As the last of my milk saturation began to fade I came to a strange, quiet place with mighty pillars of ice and squares in haunting shades of blue. The only sound was the slush squishing between my feet. I shivered.
An ancient memory long forgotten came back to me. 
"You should look for cold biomes,” Zen had said.
"I found one," I muttered, my foggy breath crystalizing instantly. So cold. The end felt nigh.
And then, a mocking voice echoed through the frozen expanse.
"...ANKLES...ANKLES...ANKLES…”
"I think you've pretty much run that joke into the ground," a sassy voice suddenly said. I turned to see a purple-eyed blonde dressed even less appropriately for the climate than me. She was a sight for sore eyes—Eris, the goddess of discord herself, our sovereign leader!
"Hi, Tox."
"Acey! Boy, am I sure glad to see you. Can you show me the way to Snowcrest?"
She cocked her head and made a face like she smelled something funny.
"What?" I asked.
Acey coughed and nodded upward. I frowned. She looked up suggestively. I scratched my head. Then she pointed above us.
It dawned on me. I craned my head skyward to see great letters etched into a glacier.
S-N-O-W-C-R
Oh.
"Wow! I didn't think this journey would ever end!"
"Kind of like this story?"
"I don't get it," I said. "But I'm so glad I made it here before I died of old age. How long's it been? And how did you find me?"
Acey laughed. "Hyper said he saw you a few minutes ago and told me you were on the way. I was already here."
A few minutes? I looked at the reflective ice nearest to me.
"How can that be? My beard has turned white!"
"That's snow, Tox."
Hmmph. "Why is Snowcrest so empty? Doesn't anybody care about treasure anymore?"
"Well...everybody's already been here and bought what they wanted."
"Everybody? Even Terry?"
"Even Terry."
I sighed. How embarassing. Then I perked up.
"Wait, do I get my Explorer rank now?"
"You sure do! There you go."
[Explorer] Tox: I guess the real treasure was the friends we made along the way, wouldn't you say, Acey? ...Acey? Hello? Anyone? Terry?
And that's the story of how the heck I found Snowcrest in the land of Everfroze. So what's a snowc and why's it gotta rest? I still don't know because Acey left before I could ask. It's a mystery and so is Snowcrest.
...right-click to go home and left-click to set your home...
left-click to set your home…
left-click...
Click.
"Sup dood."
Damnit.
THE END.
If you're reading this and regret the purchase, all sales at Tox's Tomes are final.
=Behind the Scenes=
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The following is out-of-universe information about the real world Dragonhollow.
	"Moxicology has found Snowcrest! Congratulations explorer!"	
	—Tox discovers Snowcrest 	—Tox discovers Snowcrest
While the events of the story are greatly exaggerated and in some cases completely fictional, there were elements of truth: Tox had intended to join Sprankles and his expedition in the Search for Snowcrest, but was at work when Acey announced the beginning of the event; he did contract the Mining Fatigue status effect from an elder guardian while boating too close to an ocean monument, he did discover "bo an aroe" island on his way there, and he did accidentally click wrong with his hearthstone when trying to set home at Snowcrest.
Category:Books