Marge on the Lam/Quotes

:Marge: You promised. You can't back out like when you volunteered for that Army experiment to avoid dinner at my sisters'.
:Flashback. A younger Homer is in a biological warfare facility on an U.S. Army base.
:Army Medical Officer: Mr. Simpson, you do realize this may result in hair loss, giddiness, and the loss of equilibrium.
:Homer: Yeah, yeah. Just give me the serum.
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:Marge: I got us tickets to the ballet.
:Homer: The ballet? Woo-hoo!
:Marge: You like ballet?
:Homer: Marjorie please, I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew. Ah ballet.
:Homer imagines the ballet, but he mistakes it for the circus where a trained bear drives a car around the ring.
:Homer: Doot doot dooda loot doot doot doot doot doot dooda loot! 
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:Homer: Hello? Can I get some help? Snack-related mishap!
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:Moe: We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're having fun.
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:Marge: Homer, stop that, it's just a weather station!
:Homer: Come on, Marge, it's fun to smash things!
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:Marge: I'm disappointed in you. But it turns out I had a wonderful time with Ruth Powers. In fact, we're going out again tomorrow night.
:Homer: Marge, that's twice, I think you're spending entirely too much time with this woman!
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:Lisa: I always knew someday Mom would violently rise up and cast off the shackles of our male oppressors.
:Bart: Eh, shut your yap.
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:Homer: Look Marge, I'm sorry I haven't been a better husband. I'm sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub. I'm sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car. And I'm sorry--Oh well, let's just say I'm sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.
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:Ruth Powers: I should get home to my daughter before that naked talk show comes on.
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:Homer: I can have a great time all by myself.
:Lisa: Hey Dad, I think state and federal laws require us to have a babysitter.
:Homer: Oh, Lisa. Haven't you seen "Home Alone"? If some burglars come, it'll be a very humorous and entertaining situation.
:Bart: You're absolutely right, Dad. We don't need a babysitter.
:Homer: Wait a minute...[takes out card reading: "Always do opposite of what Bart Says."] You kids do need a babysitter!
:Bart: [to himself] Blast that infernal card! (to Homer) Hey, Dad. Don't give me that card.
:Homer: Here ya go--[pulls card away]--No!
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:Ruth: I envy you and Homer.
:Marge: Thank you. Why?
:Ruth: If you ever met my ex-husband, you'd understand. All he ever did was eat, sleep and drink beer.
:Marge: Your point being?
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:Chief Wiggum: Mmm, engine-black eggs. If we can keep these down, we'll be sitting pretty.
:[Marge and Ruth drive by]
:Homer: That's them!
:Chief Wiggum: Quiet! I can't hear the eggs.
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:Bart: Don't worry, you'll feel better once we put your hair up in curlers and give you a makeover, Homina.
:Homer: [In a feminine voice] Ooh, that would be delightfu--[gruff masculine voice] -- Quiet boy!
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:Homer: Where are you going?
:Marge: I don't know.
:Homer: When will you be home?
:Marge: I'm not sure.
:Homer: Where are you going?
:Marge: You already asked me that!
:Homer: Will you bring me back something?
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:Homer: I know you are not going to believe me on my own, so I had the fireman write you a note.
:Marge:{reciting fireman's note} Dear Mrs. Simpson, while we were rescuing your husband, a lumber yard burned down.
:Homer: Ohh, lumber has a million uses.
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:Ruth: Thanks, Marge. When my husband left, he took all our power tools along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind.
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:Marge: Well, thank you for a lovely time.
:Ruth: You're not going home already, are you?
:Marge: Well, it's almost 9:30.
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:Homer: How can you do this, Marge? How can you desert your children?
:Lisa: Have a blast, Mom.
:Bart: Rock the Casbah!
:Homer: [sneers at Bart] "Man's best friend" indeed.
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:Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
:Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
:Lionel Hutz: Three.
:Homer: Two.
:Lionel Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
:Homer: Done!
:Lionel Hutz: Still got it.
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:Marge: What was it you wanted to show me?
:Ruth: This. [pulls a gun]
:Marge: [gasps] You're not going to hunt me for sport, are you?
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:Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
:Lionel Hutz: As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
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:Chief Wiggum: Simpson! What are you doing here?
:Homer: My wife's having a girls' night out.
:Chief Wiggum: Oh, just get one of those inflatable women. But make sure it's a woman though. 'Cause one time I... [chuckles]
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:Marge: Ruth, is there something you want to tell me?
:Ruth: Remember when I said my ex-husband was behind on his child support?
:Marge: Uh huh.
:Ruth: Well, to even things up, I kind of stole his car.
:Marge: Didn't you realize all you had to do was report him to the police?
:Ruth: Marge, you're the level-headed friend I never had.
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:Chief Wiggum: We're in pursuit of two female suspects. One is wearing a green dress, pearls, and has a lot of blue hair.
:Homer: A lot of blue hair? Hee hee -- what a freak! [realizes] ...it's Marge! She's become a crazed criminal just because I didn't take her to the ballet.
:Chief Wiggum: That's exactly how Dillinger got started.
:Homer: Really?
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:Marge: I don't want to be a wet blanket, but maybe you should give yourself up.
:Ruth: Marge, it's a matter of principle. I just can't let that deadbeat win again. You're with me, aren'tcha?
:Marge: [thinks] I should say something reassuring and noncommittal. [spoken] Hmm.
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:Ruth: Look, Marge, there's no reason for you to get dragged into this. Once we lose the cops, I'll let you out.
:Marge: Well, I don't think they'll be that easy to lose. These are professional lawmen, and --
:[Ruth turns the car's lights off]
:Chief Wiggum: Oh my God! It just disappeared. It's a ghost-car! [slams on the brakes] There are ghost-cars all over these highways, you know.
:Homer: Hold me.
:Chief Wiggum: Only if you hold me. [a coyote howls as Chief Wiggum and Homer hold each other scared]
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:Bart: Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home.
:Lisa: Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us. [nudges Lionel Hutz, who growls and brandishes a knife]
:Lionel Hutz [wakes up defensively] Don't touch my stuff! [realizes where he is] H-Hey, this isn't the YMCA.
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:Chief Wiggum: Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the rebelling women.
:Dispatch: All right, your current location?
:Chief Wiggum: Oh, uh, I'm, er, I'm on a road. Uh, looks to be asphalt...oh, geez, trees, shrubs...er, I'm directly under the earth's sun...now!
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:Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions. [pauses] It's in the "Revelations," people!
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:Ruth: I give up. A single mother can't win in a man's world.
:Marge: Ruth, that's a lot of hooey. It's not over 'till it's over. [grabs the steering wheel, making the car veer off the road] I'm sorry, I should have asked first.
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:Chief Wiggum: Oh, no! They're headed right for the Grand Chasm!
:Homer: Oh my God! They're going to drive right into it just to teach us men a lesson. And it's all my fault!
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:Narrator: Ruth Powers was tried in Springfield Superior Court. The judge dismissed her ex-husband's auto theft charges and forced him to pay all back child support. Mr. Powers blamed the outcome on his lawyer, one Lionel Hutz. Lionel Hutz, AKA: Miguel Sanchez, AKA: Dr. Nguyen Van Falk, was paid 8 dollars for his 32 hours of babysitting. He was glad to get it. Marge Simpson was charged with a violation of penal code section 618A: "Wanton Destruction of Precious Antique Cans." She was ordered to pay 50 cents to replace the cans, and $2000 in punitive damages and mental anguish. Homer Simpson was remanded to the custody of the United States Army Neurochemical Research Center at Fort Meade, Maryland, for extensive testing.
:Homer: Woo-hoo!