Keeping Up With the Jasons Transcript (Dialogue Only)

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== Teaser ==
Jason: "Guys, guys. Come on, come on. Drink up. We gotta get back to drills."
Lilith: "Relax, it's OK. We still got a few minutes."
Kora: "Jason, this was left for you. Happy Birthday."
Iolaus: "It's your birthday? I-I didn't know it was your birthday. Did you know it was his birthday?"
Hercules: "It's your birthday?"
Iolaus: "Oh, it's a Corinthian surprise party. You surprise the guests."
Lilith: "Come on, why didn't you tell us it was your birthday?"
Jason: "Well, I didn't want you guys to feel like you had to get me something."
Iolaus: "Oh. Good."
Hercules and Lilith: "Iolaus."
Iolaus: "What? What present do you give a future king?"
All: "Ooh."
Hercules: "Som'in' like that." 
Lilith: "Who's it from?"
Jason: "It's from my uncle. These belonged to my father. He used them to break the Barbarian siege."
Iolaus: "Really?"
Hercules: "The Barbarian siege?"
Lilith: "Stellar! That was really nice of your uncle to send ‘em to you."
Jason: "Ah-- he knows how much I miss my father."
Iolaus: "Yeah, we all do."
Hercules: "Well-- these are definitely cool-- all right?"
Melotheum: "Too cool-- for academy wimps."
Lilith: "Hey-- can we help you?"
Melotheum: "You're sitting at our table."
Lilth [and others]: "Oooooh."
Iolaus: "Oh-- I'm sorry, I didn't see your name carved on it."
Jason: "That's assuming you _can_ carve your name."
Melotheum: "You academy punks come in here-- and act as if ya own the place!"
Kora: "I own the place, so calm down, Melotheum. We don't have a gladiators' license, yet."
Melotheum: "Hey-- they can stay. It'll just cost ‘em that sword and shield."
Jason: "Really? Why don't you come try and take ‘em?"
Hercules: "Hold it, hold it, hold on a second, Jason. Um-- let me just get this straight, uh-- you're willing to fight over a table?"
Melotheum: "Mm-hmm."
Hercules: "Well, I can see fightin' over a kingdom."
Jason: "Or fighting for a noble cause."
Lilith: "Or-or to stop outlaws."
Hercules: [Sighs] "But over-- a table. I don't-- know. I-I just wouldn't-- think of that. But, um-- well, if you and this table seem to be so in love, my friends and I wouldn't want to keep you two lovebirds apart any longer. So-- do you wanna be alone-- with the table?"
Lilith: "Yeah, well, we were getting back, anyway."
Jason: "Get goin'. Get goin'."
Hercules: "Listen. Get outta here, birthday boy, all right? We'll take care of it."
Jason: "I'll see you at the academy."
Iolaus: "All right."
Jason: "I'm gonna go polish my-- sword and shield."
Iolaus: "Uh-- I don't have any money."
Hercules: "Well, I don't have any money."
Iolaus and Hercules: "Hey, Lilith."
Lilith: "Huh? Oh. Yeah."
Melotheum: "I'll take that sword and shield now."
== Act One ==
[Fight]
Hercules: "I said we wouldn't fight over a table. I never said we wouldn't defend ourselves."
Melotheum: "You'll be sorry when my brother hears about this."
Cadet: "Wow-- so this is the sword and shield you used to fight off Melotheum and his gang."
Iolaus: "Yeah-- all he did was hold it up like this, and off they ran."
Jason: "Ahh-- there was more to it than that."
Cadet: "Cool-- Jason running Melotheum off, all by himself. Wish I could've seen it."
Hercules: "Me, too."
Cheiron: "Time to choose a Dacuuda."
Cadet's Voice: "Dacuuda?"
Cheiron: "Follow me."
Cadets' Voices: "What is he talkin' about?" "What's a Dacuuda?"
Iolaus: "Ah, he's talkin' Centaur, again. What's Dacuuda?"
Jason: "Don't you ever study?"
Iolaus: "Not really."
Hercules: "Dacuuda-- it's an award for the student demonstrating the highest ideals of the academy."
Iolaus: "And those would be?"
Hercules: "Honor, skill, loyalty-- "
Jason: "-- which automatically leaves you-- out."
Cheiron: "Iolaus-- Lilith-- first test of skill-- one-to-one combat."
Iolaus: "Thank you."
Cheiron: "Begin!"
[Spar]
Lilith: "Owwww!"
Iolaus: "Whoa-- sorry, Lilith."
Lilith: "My eyes!"
Cheiron: "Why did you stop?"
Lilith: "I can't see!"
Cheiron: "Lilith-- you must be ready for anything. You must learn to see-- with other senses. Jason-- Hercules."
Jason: "Smooth move, Iolaus."
Cadet's Voice: "Go, guys."
Hercules: "Hope you know how to use those things."
Cheiron: "Begin!"
[Spar]
Iolaus: "Ow! Ooh!"
Hercules: "Uh, I-- I guess-- that I yield?"
Iolaus: "Man, that was pathetic."
Hercules: "Yeah, um-- congratulations."
Jason: "I was just lucky. Uh-- my father's things made the difference."
Iolaus: "Well, local prince on his way to being Dacuuda."
Lilith: "Yeah, with that sword and shield, nothing can stop you, now."
Hercules: "Hephaestus? It's Hercules."
Hephaestus's Voice: "In the workshop!"
Hephaestus: "There-- fit for a god. So-- what brings you here? Good reason."
Hephaestus: "Huh? My-- private collection. OK. Yeah, I'm real proud of this." 
Hercules: "Whoa!"
Hephaestus: "Hey!"
Hercules: "Listen, this is way, way, way-- way-- "
Hephaestus: "-- way beyond what any mortal has seen?"
Hercules: "Yes."
Hephaestus: "I know."
Hercules: "Oh-- oh-ho-ho. Oh."
Hephaestus: "Oh."
Hercules: "May I?"
Hephaestus: "Yeah."
Hercules: [Whispers]: "Oh-- wow."
Hephaestus: "Oh."
Hercules: [Whispers]: "Could you back up for a second?"
Hephaestus: "Sure."
Hercules: "Whoo! Uh-- well-- this is so light. It's just got such a great balance."
Hephaestus: "My own special alloy-- three times as strong and twice as light as Phoenician iron."
Hercules: "Whoo."
Hephaestus: "Hey-- try it."
Hercules: "Huh?"
Hephaestus: "Yeah-- try it.'
Hercules: "Oh, yeah? All right. Huh, huh? Well!"
Hephaestus: "Drop it."
Hercules: "Drop it?"
Hephaestus: "Trust me-- yeah."
Hercules: "OK."
Hephaestus: "Hey-- trade secret-- magnetic metal. OK. OK. Watch this. OK. Better stand behind me."
Hercules: "All right."
Hephaestus: "Ready?"
Hercules: "OK"
Hephaestus: "OK."
Hercules: "Here we go."
Hephaestus: "Here we go."
Hercules: "Yeah."
Hephaestus: "It's great for fighting dragons!"
Hercules: "Or visting Uncle Hades. Yes! Listen, I-- I don't know what to say. You know? How can I repay you?"
Hephaestus: "Hey-- you already have. You stuck by me when Hera threw me out of Olympus. Come on."
Lilith: "Whoa-oh-ho-ho-- and I thought -Jason's_ sword and shield were awesome."
Jason: "Where'd ya get that stuff?"
Hercules: "Oh, uh-- just found it in some cave."
Iolaus: "Oh, come on, you stealin' from a god?"
Cheiron: "I see you've replaced your sword and shield? I trust you don't think that being Dacuuda-- is about shiny weapons. A Dacuuda must learn to trust his-- or her-- senses. Hercules-- Lilith-- blindfolds."
Hercules: "Thank you. All right."
[Spar]
Lilith: "Lost something, Hercules?"
Hercules: "Whoo-- well-- looks like I found it."
Lilith: "Hey! How'd you do that?"
Hercules: "How? I'm not tellin' my secrets."
Lilith: "Ow!"
Cheiron: "A Dacuuda must be adept at one-to-one combat under any circumstances!"
Jason: "My father's sword."
Hercules: "Listen, I'm sorry."
Lilith: "Hey-- you busted it."
Jason: "Why're you bein' a hotshot, huh? What're ya tryin' to prove?"
Hercules: "Nothin'-- it's just these new weapons. I'm sorry."
Jason: "My father gave me a gift and you don't like it. You're jealous!
Iolaus: [Whistles]: "Man-- whoo-- this sword is ho-ot. Tell you what-- if it were mine-- I would mop the floor with all of you."
Hercules: "Well, will you just-- watch it, all right, Iolaus? It's not a toy."
Iolaus: "Whoo! Ooh! Eee."
Hercules: "Pig."
Lilith: "Oh, come on, you guys. You're not gonna stay mad at each other forever."
Hercules: "She's right, you know."
Woman's Voice: [In Background]: "Oh, there she is!"
Hercules: "Listen, uh-- why don't you let me buy your food-- huh?"
Jason: "I'm not hungry."
Iolaus: "Can I have his share?"
Lilith: "Iolaus! Ah-- your lack of sensitivity is amazing."
Hercules: "Hey, listen. Um-- I broke yours, so you take mine. It's only fair."
Jason: "I can't take it."
Midicus: "I can."
== Act Two ==
Hercules: "Listen-- I didn't wanna fight your brother, and I don't wanna fight you, OK?"
Iolaus: "What is _with_ this family?" 
Midicus: "I heard about you cadets and your-- fancy weapons. You say you don't wanna fight? Well, you won't be needin' yours, then." 
Hercules: "Uh-- I don't think so." 
Iolaus: "I mean, the last thing this world needs is for them to fall into the hands of some-- big-- ugly-- creepy-- funny-lookin'-- "
Hercules: "Iolaus. Hey, I-Iolaus?"
Iolaus: "What?"
Hercules: "Can you go get me some more water?"
Iolaus: "What?"
Hercules: "Ah, just please? Trust me." 
Iolaus: "OK, but now is a really bad time to be thirsty, Hercules."
Hercules: "I understand. Do this alone. I got myself in this mess."
[Fight]
Midicus: "It's just you and me, academy wimp."
Hercules: "Ya had enough?! Do ya yield?!"
Midicus: "Is this what you call a fair fight at the academy?"
Hercules: "All right-- whatever."
Midicus: "That was too easy."
Hercules: [Whispers]: "Think. Think."
Midicus: "Come out, come out, wherever you are! But I'm over-- here.
Melotheum: "Ya put up a good fight, Midicus."
Iolaus: "You turned the tables on him, Herc." [Laughs]
Kora: "Someone get her some water!"
Hercules: "Is she OK?
Lilith: "My eyes-- I can't see!"
Lilith: "Guess I'll be getting lots of practice in the blind drill."
Cheiron: "What you need is rest."
Hercules: "Well?"
Cheiron: "Only time will tell if she gets her eyesight back."
Hercules: "Lilith can't see. Jason hates me. Iolaus doesn't want me around."
Hephaestus: "Well-- I know how it feels not to be liked."
Hercules: "It's just stupid! Ya know?! It was all about bein' the best! Jason had new weapons, and I wanted better ones, and-- just take ‘em, all right? All they bring is trouble."
Hephaestus: "Well, in that case, I don't want ‘em either!"
Hercules: "Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ah-- thanks. Take care of him for me, will you? Wha?! Huh?!"
Maximus: "Is this the punk?"
Midicus: "Yeah, that's him."
Melotheum: "That's him."
Maximus: "So, you're the hotshot cadet with the fancy weapons, who picked on my two little brothers."
Hercules: "Uh-- I don't know what your brothers told you-- all right? But I didn't wanna fight them, and I don't wanna you."
Maximus: "In that case-- you give me those fancy weapons-- and we'll call it even."
Hercules: "Well-- interesting story, that. Um-- I don't have them."
Midicus: "I say we start whomping on him now, and he'll get ‘em fast enough."
Melotheum: "If he doesn't have them, let's just go home."
Maximus: "Hey! It's about respect! If Pa taught us one thing, it's never back down from no cadet-- especially-- when _he_ ain't got no weapons."
Jason: "Well, well-- we meet again."
Iolaus: "Hi, kids."
Jason: "What's the problem here, Hercules?" 
Hercules: "Ah, well, there's no problem, actually. I was just telling these guys that I don't have my weapons anymore, so-- "
Iolaus: "Where did you hide ‘em?"
Hercules: "Uh-- I destroyed them."
Iolaus: "We have a problem."
[Fight]
Lilith: "Sounds like you cadets could use a hand!"
Hercules: "Lilith?"
Maximus: "Whoa! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
Melotheum: "My eyes!"
Maximus: "Hey-- she's blind. Now, we've got her. This is going to be easy. Ow! Ah!"
Melotheum: "I told you we should have gone home."
Maximus: "Be quiet."
Midicus: "What do we tell Pa?"
Maximus: "Be quiet!"
Jason: "Are we in trouble?"
Cheiron: "Well-- it seems like you had no choice but to fight. You were unarmed-- and outnumbered at the start of it. There's no need for the final test."
Iolaus: "So, did you choose a Dacuuda?"
Cheiron: "You chose for me."
Lilith: "Me?"
Cheiron: "You all fought with skill and loyalty and honor-- but Lilith discovered that a warrior's strength comes from within."
Lilith: "I did? Well, how?"
Cheiron: "When you saw without your eyes."
Hercules and Iolaus: "Happy birthday!"
Jason: "Guys, you shouldn't have. It's my father's sword. You fixed it."
Iolaus: "Yeah."
Hercules: "Hephaestus fixed it, but-- yeah."
Jason: "Ah, guys, I don't know what to say."
Hercules: "Well-- just say that you'll put it away in a safe place where we won't get tempted to show off with it-- all right?"
Lilith: "Mind if I have a go before you put it away?"
Hercules: "Can you see?"
Lilith: "Yes!"
Hercules: "You can see?! That great!"
Jason: "Cheiron-- you're the master! Hey, this calls for a celebration at Kora's."
Iolaus: "All right."
Lilith: "Ah, just one thing? If someone wants that fancy belt of yours-- just give it to them."
Hercules: "All right? Hey, Jason, listen, uh-- I'm really sorry about what happened to your sword."
Jason: "Don't worry about it, Hercules."
Iolaus: "Hey! Birthday boy treats! Huh?! Right?!"
Category:ScriptsCategory:YH Episode Scripts (Dialogue Only)