Count Chocula/Transcript

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The following is a transcript of "Count Chocula", the 27th episode of comedy web series A Dose of Buckley.
==Transcript==
Background music begins.
===Introduction===
(Spoken by Buckley's then-girlfriend.)
Not approved by Health Canada or the FDA...it's A Dose of Buckley!
===The Dose===
I'm getting sick and tired of fat little diabetic kids ruining things for the rest of us. I was at a grocery store the other day, when I thought, "Man, you know what I haven't had in forever? Count Chocula!" And normally, I don't eat a lot of cereal, but I thought it'd be good to get a sugar-loaded breakfast food, because quite frankly, I stopped giving a shit about my own healh a long time ago and just let my awesome metabolism carry me until it eventually gives out.
So, I head over to the cereal aisle...no Count Chocula. Not a fuckin' box! They had that Kashi shit - whatever that is, it looks like dog food; then, they had the usual stuff: Cheerios, Corn Flakes, All-Bran, Raisin Bran, and some of the kind of unhealthy cereals, like Frosted Flakes, Honey-Comb, Sugar-Crisp, Froot Loops...and they had Lucky Charms.
Well, let me tell ya. Lucky Charms, it's not the same as Count Chocula. Sure, it's got marshmallows, but it's just not the same; it's just not as good!
And here's what I don't get: why the hell isn't Count Chocula huge right now?! Look at the vampire craze goin' on! If General Mills partnered with the Twilight franchise or somethin', you wouldn't be able to keep that shit on the shelf! Have that fruity-lookin', shimmery vampire guy hangin' out with the Count, and they'd be selling more Count Chocula than they could produce! Meanwhile, what kid gives a shit about leprechauns right now?!
Now, I understand that Count Chocula is available in some parts of the U.S. still, but I was doing a little research, and there have been other people in Canada wondering why they can't find it anymore, either! Like I said, the reason can't be sales; anything with a goddamn vampire on it these days sells like a motherfucker!
Nope, the reason is probably because it's literally chocolate cereal with chocolate marshmallows that kids put milk and sugar on and eat, and the Canadian government is saying, "Hey, you can't do that!" 'Cause parents are too fuckin' stupid to limit their children's intake of that stuff. If your kid is getting fat, don't let him or her eat four bowls of it in a day!
I'm pretty sure it's the same reason we don't have Cookie Crisp. I don't know if you remember Cookie Crisp; this was a cereal that I could never find in Canada. Apparently, it was available for a couple of months last year and was discontinued again, but was never on the shelves when I was a kid. But it was literally just a box of miniature chocolate-chip cookies that you poured in a bowl and ate for breakfast, but Health Canada says I can't have it! Whatever! I'm an adult now; it's not my fault that these days, parents are retarded, and kids are the size of boat anchors and only half as useful.
Let me destroy my body the way I choose - with delicious, unhealthy breakfast cereals that remind me of a simpler time: when your parents counteracted the shitty foods they fed you by making you go outside and get some exercise, instead of lettin' you stay indoors and become a fat little nuisance!
Category:Transcripts