Homer's Odyssey/Transcript

This is the transcript for Homer's Odyssey
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins in front of Springfield Elementary, as Mrs. Krabappel rounds up her class, including Bart, and prepares them for a field trip to the nuclear power plant.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Now class, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So I want you all to be on your best behavior. Especially you, Bart Simpson
Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door
[Otto, the bus driver, pulls up to the curb, and Bart chats with him outside of the bus (deleted scene sometimes), as the other kids find their seats.]
Otto: Uh, sorry, little dudes. Party hardy was tardy
Mrs. Krabappel: All right, children. Count off
Children: One, two, three
Bart: Hey, Otto. Hey, Ottoman
Otto: Hey, Bart dude
Bart: Any new tattoos, Otto?
Otto: Oh, funny you should ask, man. This morning I woke up with this one
Bart: Cool. I want one
Otto: Huh. Not until you're 14, my little friend
[Mrs. Krabappel yells at Bart to get on the bus.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart! Bart Simpson!
[When he scurries to find a seat, he is bummed to see the only one left is right next to Wendell the White Boy, who is always queasy and pukes on every bus ride.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Take your seat, Bart
Bart: Oh, please, Mrs. Krabappel, not next to Wendell. He pukes on every bus ride. No offense, Wendell
Wendell: Oh
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh. Be that as it may, it's the only seat left...so get in there!
[The other children laugh as Bart makes his way to the seat.]
Wendell: Please try not to shake the seat like that
Mrs. Krabappel: Now, class, remember. Do not stick any part of your body out the window. We all know the tragic story of the young man who stuck his arm out the window and had it ripped off by a big truck coming in the other direction
Bart: And I was that boy
Mrs. Krabappel: Uh, Bart Simpson, sit down! I've had just about enough of your tomfoolery
[Otto starts the bus.]
Wendell: Oh, I don't feel so hot
[The bus rolls along, passing the Springfield Toxic Waste Dump, where workers wave to them. Then, they pass the Springfield Tire Yard and a winding road. They pass the Springfield State Prison, where arms wave to them through the gated windows.]
Student: Look, there's our school again
Mrs. Krabappel: Otto, are you sure you...
Otto: It's a shortcut, Mrs. K. Trust me
[Next to Bart, Wendell begins to shake back and forth. Mrs. Krabappel warns Bart that one more outburst will result in him singing to the class at the front of the bus.]
Bart: Mrs. Krabappel! Mrs. Krabappel!
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, not another word out of you or I'll subject you to the humiliation of making you sing in front of the class
Bart: Can I pick the song?
Mrs. Krabappel: No. The song will be: "John Henry was a Steel Driving Man"
[Sherri and Terri, who are sitting behind Bart, plan to get him in some more trouble.]
Sherri: We're gonna make you sing, Bart Simpson
Terri: Yeah, Bart Simpson, we're gonna make you sing
[They converse secretly as Bart gets nervous. At the same time, the twins kiss Bart on the cheek, causing him to yell out.]
Mrs. Krabappel: That's it, Bart. Oh, why can't you be more like, uh, uh--
Sherri and Terri: Us, Mrs. Krabappel?
[Mrs. Krabappel asks Bart why can't he be more like Sherri and Terri and then makes good on her threat and forces Bart to sing in front of the class.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Yes, Sherri and Terri. They know how to behave
[The bus finally arrives at the power plant.]
Bart: (singing) Da, da, da, da, da, da. Whoa! They took Bart Simpson to the graveyard! Ooh, and they buried him in the sand! Oh, and every locomotive that comes rolling by...
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart. Bart!
Bart: (singing) Says there lies a steel-driving man. Lord, Lord, oh, there lies a ---
Mrs. Krabappel: Okay, Bart. Enough!
[The bus stops. Bart congratulates Wendell for making the entire bus ride without getting sick, by slapping him on the back, which results in the latter puking anyway.]
Bart: Hey, Wendell, you made it, buddy
Wendell: pukes
[Once inside the plant, Mr. Smithers shows a film on nuclear energy in a small theater.]
Mr. Smithers: And so, this plant harnesses the power of the atom so that we have the energy to run everything from your favorite video game to yummy cotton candy machines
[Everyone claps.]
Mr. Smithers: (chuckles) Let's learn more about nuclear energy, shall we? Lights
[The film stars Smilin’ Joe Fission, a little animated character, who explains the ins and outs of nuclear energy.]
Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this
[There is an explosion on screen and the children scream in happiness.]
Narrator: But when we talk about nuclear energy, we really mean this
[There is a weird picture shown with people using various technological appliances.]
Narrator: But what exactly is nuclear energy? I don't know, but I know someone who does
[Question marks fill up the screen.]
Narrator: Smilin' Joe Fission
[Joe Fission is a cartoon character resembling a cowboy but with an atom as his stomach.]
Joe: Hi, there, energy eaters. I'm Smilin' Joe Fission, your atomic tour guide to the strange and exciting world of nuclear power
[Joe Fission walks over to three red things that have faces.]
Joe: And these are rods of uranium 235. Hi, Rod
Rods: Hi. Hey. Good to see ya
Joe: Hey, you guys look hot
[The Rods sweat.]
Rods: Of course we're hot. We're radioactive.
Joe: Uh-oh. Well, how 'bout a dip in the pool? 
Rods: Yeah! Last one in's a rotten rod! 
[They all rush towards a pool that has just mysteriously appeared there. They jump inside.] 
Joe: The rods make the water so hot it boils 
[True enough, the water boils.] 
Rods: Ow! Ouch! Ow! 
Joe: And the steam spins turbines that generate energy 
[A shot of turbines and a worker. Arrows go up and down on the screen. Bart's silhouette is suddenly there.] 
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, sit down 
[Bart sits down. On screen, a bunch of small blue evil-looking balls walk by Fission.] 
Joe: Uh-oh. Whoops. Looks like there's a little leftover nuclear waste. No problem. I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years 
[He slides them under a carpet with a broom. One of them manages to escape and laughs but Fission kicks it off the screen.] 
Joe: So, now you know the whole true story of nuclear energy, our no longer misunderstood friend. So keep on smiling 
[The end. The children applaud as the lights come on.] 
Mr. Smithers: Now, let's have even more fun 
[Smithers slides open a curtain which reveals a door. It says: DANGER, SEVERE RADIATION. It opens to reveal another, which says: ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK. It opens to reveal another which says: ENJOY YOUR VISIT. Finally, it opens to reveal a hallway of sorts. After the film Smithers gives a tour of the plant.] 
Mr. Smithers: And, uh, over here is our thermal regulator. To the right, if you'll look through this window, you'll see where our water rejoins the rest of nature's biosphere 
[As the children walk behind and listen, Sherri and Terri tell Bart about how their dad, who also works at the power plant, says that Homer is an incompetent worker.] 
Sherri: Hey, Bart, our dad says your dad is incompetent 
Bart: What does incompetent mean? 
Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down doughnuts than doing his job 
Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down 
[Cut to Homer, who is sitting in a small motorized cart with his feet propped up, and eating a doughnut. Homer comments to a co-worker that Bart’s class will be here any minute, and he drives off in search of him.] 
Homer: You know, I defy anyone to tell the difference between these donuts and ones baked today. Hey, my boy's supposed to be here any second on a field trip. They've been through here yet? 
Co-worker: Come on, Simpson. If they wanted the kids to see you sitting around on your butt and stuffin' your face, they'd take them on a tour of your house 
Homer: You're right. I gotta get where the action is 
[He drives a little kids motor vehicle.] 
Homer: Comin' through! 
[The kids continue their tour, while walking on a catwalk above the working area of the plant. Just then, Homer turns the corner in his cart, underneath Bart and the other kids. Bart observes Homer and calls out to him, as Homer looks up to wave back at Bart he does not pay attention to where he is going and crashes into a vent pipe, causing it to leak dangerous gas.] 
Bart: Hey, there's my dad. Hey, dad! Yo Homer! Woo! Woo! I'm up here! 
Homer: Oh, hi, boy! 
[The supervisor nearby, who happens to be Sherri and Terri’s father, demands to understand who caused the accident. When all the workers point at Homer, the supervisor tells Homer he is fired. He then looks up and sees his twin daughters and waves, and they wave back as a humiliated Bart hides his face.] 
Leader: All right. Who's responsible for this? I might have know it was you, Simpson 
Homer: But, sir, I-- 
Leader: I don't wanna hear about it, Simpson. You're fired. Oh, hi girls 
Sherri and Terri: Hi, Daddy 
[The next morning at breakfast, everyone gives words of encouragement to a depressed Homer, on finding a new job.] 
Lisa: Here's a good job at the fireworks factory 
Homer: Those perfectionists? Forget it 
Lisa: How 'bout this? Supervising technician at the toxic waste dump 
Homer: I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. I've never done anything worthwhile in my life. I'm a big, worthless nothing 
Marge: There, there, Homer, you'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back 
Lisa: Yeah, Dad, you can do it! 
Bart: Yeah, go for it, Dad 
Homer: You're right! I'm young, I'm able-bodied and I'll take anything! Watch out, Springfield. Here I come 
[After hearing what they all have to say, a reenergized Homer heads out to find a job. But, after a long day of doors slammed in his face and no new job prospects. Finally, it is his own door. Then, it's opened by Bart.] 
Bart: Don't give up, Dad 
[Homer relieves his stress at Moe’s Tavern.] 
Homer: I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much 
[As Homer drinks a beer, the phone rings, Moe answers it, and it is Bart playing a prank phone call.] 
Moe: Moe's Tavern 
Bart: (on phone) Is Mr. Freely there? 
Moe: Who? 
Bart: (on phone) Freely. First initials "I.P" 
Moe: Hold on. I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I.P. Freely! 
[They all laugh.] 
Moe: Wait a minute. (to phone). Listen to me, ya lousy bum. 
[Bart laughs.] 
Moe: When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half 
[At home, where Lisa and Bart laugh. At Moe's Tavern. Moe puts the phone down.] 
Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe 
Moe: Ah, I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name 
[Homer reaches for his wallet to buy another beer, only to discover that he doesn’t have any more money, and when Moe won’t run Homer a tab, Homer heads for home.] 
Homer: Oh, I think I'll have another --- Whoops. Oh, I'm a little low on funds. Do you think you could cover me just this once? 
Moe: No, sorry 
Homer: W-Why not? I think after all these years I deserve an explanation 
Moe: I don't think you're ever gonna get another job and be able to pay me back 
Homer: Oh 
Moe: Don't worry. We're still friends 
[Homer begins walk out.] 
Music: I fall to pieces 
[Later that night in bed with Marge, Homer expresses his concerns about finding another job. Marge consoles him and tells Homer that for the time being she can go back to the old job she had before they got married, as a waitress.] 
Marge: All you all right, Homer? 
[She turns on the light and we finally see them.] 
Homer: I'm fine. I'm just thinking 
Marge: Well, I've been thinking too. You know, Homer, you've always been such a good provider, but when we got married, Mr. Berger promised I could come back to my old job anytime I wanted 
Homer: You think you can still do that kind of work? 
Marge: Sure. You never forget. It's just like riding a bicycle 
[A shot of Otto's van outside a fast food joint. He honks his horn.] 
Otto: Hey, Mama, where's my fries already? 
[Marge rides over on roller skates with food. She growls. The next day with Marge gone at work, a depressed and unresponsive Homer lies on the couch. Even when the kids try to cheer him up he does not respond or move.] 
Lisa: Dad, eat something. It's got mustard on it 
[Bart waves his hand over Homer's eyes.] 
Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale 
Lisa: I don't know what else to do 
Bart: There's only one thing we can do: take advantage of the old guy. You gotta sign my report card, Dad 
[He shows Homer the card. All his grades are in the F range. Homer signs it and drops the pencil. Daytime transforms into night. The TV isn't off. Homer remains in the same position.] 
Announcer 1: Loaftime, the cable network for the unemployed. We'll be back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this 
Announcer 2: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day. But now it's Duff time! 
[The TV shows a jungle paradise, complete with birds and a waterfall. A hand shows a Duff Beer bottle.] 
Announcer 2: Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by 
Singers: Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff...Duff beer! 
Homer: Beer. Now there's a temporary solution 
[Later that night, after seeing a Duff beer commercial, Homer finally gets up from the couch. Homer wanders into the kitchen and searches the fridge for a beer; he becomes enraged when he can’t find one.] 
Homer: There must be some beer here, somewhere. Ah. Maybe in here 
[He opens a box. Inside is a cake, which says "Don't worry, Daddy, we love you anyway!" Homer throws it backwards over his shoulder.] 
Homer: Damn! I need money! 
[He heads up to Bart’s room and while Bart sleeps, Homer steals his piggy bank. Back downstairs in the kitchen Homer smashes open Bart’s piggy bank only to find that Bart doesn’t even have enough money for just one beer. Homer suddenly realizes what he has done and how low he has sunk and plans to solve his problems by committing suicide.] 
Homer: Oh, no. What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents. (sadly). Not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute. Let me count and make sure. Not even close 
[Homer writes the family a farewell note, and heads outside.] 
Homer: (to himself in his head) Dear family, I am an utter failure and you'll be better off without me. By the time you read this, I will be in my watery grave. I can only leave you with the words my father gave me: "Stand tall, have courage and never give up." I only hope I can provide a better model in death than I did in life. Warmest regards. Love, Homer J. Simpson 
[Homer leaves the kitchen. In the backyard, with intentions of jumping off a bridge, Homer ties one end of a rope around his waist and the other end around a large boulder. A tearful Homer looks back at the house one last time and then struggles down the road alone, with the boulder in his arms.] 
Homer: Nothing's easy 
[Homer continues on his journey to the bridge.] 
Senior 1: Oh, looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself 
Senior 2: Well, maybe not. Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk
Senior 1: Oh
[They both laugh. Back at the house Bart and Lisa rush in to Marge’s room and wake her up, telling her they’ve been robbed.]
Bart: Mom! Mom! Wake up!
Lisa: We've been robbed!
Marge: What? 
[Bart thinks they have been robbed because his piggy bank is stolen.]
Bart: Someone swiped my piggy bank!
[Marge follows them into the living room and gasps.]
Marge: (gasps) Your father's gone too!
[Lisa discovers Homer’s note and everyone gasps.]
Lisa: Look what I found
[Cut back to Homer; as he nears the bridge, he crosses an intersection without a stop sign and is nearly struck by an oncoming car.]
Homer: Almost there. Hey, you idiot! Watch where you're going! Well, live and learn
[Homer continues on to the bridge, and just as he is about to jump into the water below, Marge and the kids, running behind Homer, shout from a distance and tell him to stop.]
Marge: There he is!
Bart: Don't do it, Dad!
[As they rush over to Homer, they cross the intersection and are also nearly hit by a car. But Homer quickly runs in and pushes them out of the way. He comments on how dangerous the intersection is and how someone should put a stop sign there.]
Homer: Boy, this intersection is dangerous. Somebody ought to put a stop sign here
[Suddenly a light goes on in Homer’s head and he realizes that he now has a purpose in life: to make the intersection safer.]
Marge: (gasps) Oh, Homer. How could you think of killing yourself? We love you
Lisa: Yeah, Dad. We love you
Bart: Yeah
Homer: Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do. Now, I have a purpose, a reason to live. HOMER: I don't care who I have to face. I don't care who I have to fight. I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!
[The next day at City Hall, Homer presents his proposal for a stop sign at 12th and D Street, the dangerous intersection.]
Judge 1: Next on the agenda, Police Chief Wiggum will give us an update on our graffiti problem
Chief Wiggum: Well, it's no secret our city is under siege by a grafitti vandal known as "El Barto." Police artists have a composite sketch of the culprit. If anyone has any information, please contact us immediately
[A paper is passed around. Bart gets it. It is completely unlike him. The only thing slightly resembling him is his hair.]
Bart: Cool, man
Old man: Ooh, tough customer
Homer: Ooh, wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley
Judge: And now, new business. Homer Simpson, local resident, has something. Mr. Simpson?
Marge: Don't be nervous. We believe in you, Homer
[Homer clears his throat as he stands up.]
Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed councilmen, boys and girls, retired people with nothing better to do. Danger comes in many, many forms. From the dinosaurs that tormented our caveman ancestors to the---
Judge: Simpson, get to the point
Homer: I think we should put a stop sign at "D" Street and 12th. The other---
Judge: All in favor?
[Everybody raises their hand.]
Judge: Aye
[His proposal is accepted and a stunned Homer feels a greater sense of purpose and chooses to go on a campaign to make all of Springfield safer.]
Judge: Approved. Meeting adjourned. Coffee and maple logs in the lobby
Homer: Wow. They listened to me
Lisa: All right, Dad!
Bart: Way to go, Homer
Marge: You did it, Homer
Homer: If they think I'm gonna stop at that stop sign, they're sadly mistaken
[A montage of newspaper headlines ensues, chronicling all of Homer’s new signs and his growing public support. Later the next week, after the town has been covered with safety signs, Homer still feels he must do more and plans to take on the nuclear power plant and attempt to make it safer.]
Marge: Oh, Homer, I am so proud of you
Homer: Proud? Proud of what?
Marge: Well, everything. Your dip sign for instance. Now people won't be caught off guard by that little "mm-hmm" in the road
Homer: Ah, what a great family, but come on. We all know this is small potatoes. There's a danger in this town that is bigger than all the dips put together
Lisa: What, Dad?
Homer: I'm talking about that
[He points to the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.]
Marge: You don't mean you're going to take on your old bosses
Lisa: Wow
Bart: Gee, Dad's a hero
Homer: What'd you say, son?
Bart: Nothin'
Homer: That's okay. I'll just assume you said what I thought I heard you say
[The next day at the power plant, in front of a large cheering crowd, Homer stages a protest about the lack of safety at the power plant.]
Voice: He also bought you the speed bump. (cheering). The dip sign! (cheering). The 15 miles per hour speed limit on Main Street. (booing)
[Homer stands on top of his car with a fellow speaker.]
Speaker: I give you the man whose very name is synonymous with safety. Homer Simpson!
Crowd: Homer! Homer!
Homer: Thank you. Unlike most of you, I am not a nut. Just a good, honest American who opposes wrongdoing...
[The camera pans back to reveal the face of Montgomery BURNS, the owner, watching through his window.]
Homer: (voice) ...and especially carelessness wherever they occur
[Mr. Burns glowers down at the protest from high above, through his office window, and orders Smithers to bring Homer to him to talk privately.]
Burns: (groans) Look at that man. He has the crowd in the palm of his hand. Ah, haven't seen anything like it since Jolson. Who is he?
Smithers: That's Homer Simpson, sir. He used to work here in the plant, but we fired him for gross incompetence
Burns: Oh, so that's his little game. Get this Simpson character up here right now
Smithers: But Mr. Burns--
Burns: I said do it! Now do it! Do it! Do it!
[With Homer.]
Homer: Our lives are at the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say this stinks!
[The crowd cheers.]
Bart: Yeah, Dad!
[Smithers goes down to the protest, retrieves Homer and sends him to Mr. Burns’ office.]
Smithers: Hey. Hey, Simpson. Burns wants to talk to you privately
Homer: (through loudspeaker) Privately?
Smithers: Yes
Homer: Stay here. I'll be right back
[Once inside, Mr. Burns offers Homer a new job at the plant as the safety inspector.]
Burns: Ah, Homer Simpson, at last we meet
Homer: Same here
Burns: Simpson, I want you to rejoin our power plant family
Homer: Sorry. No can do
Burns: Hear me out, Simpson! I don't want you to come back as a technical supervisor or a supervising technician or whatever the hell you used to do. I want you to be in charge of safety here at the plant
Homer: Safety? But, sir, if truth be known, I actually caused more accidents around here than any other employee. There were even a few doozies no one ever found out about
Burns: The generous offer I'm making is good for exactly...30 seconds, Simpson?
[He puts an hourglass in front of Homer. Homer mulls over the job offer and accepts. 
Homer: (thinking) Me, in charge of safety? This place could blow sky high. Nah, I'll concentrate on my work now. Gee, this guy's desk sure is big. I can't let Marge support the family. This guy's got the cleanest shirt I've ever seen. What should I--
Burns: Simpson, time's up
Homer: Mmm, what the hey. I'll take the job
[Mr. Burns tells Homer that his first duty is to step out on the balcony and lie to the crowd and tell them the power plant is safe.]
Burns: Excellent. Your first duty will be to step out on the balcony and tell that crowd this plant is safe
Homer: What?
Burns: Go on, Homer
[Homer reluctantly steps on the balcony to lie to the crowd and suddenly has a change of mind.]
Crowd: Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer! Homer!
Marge: Yeah, Homer!
Lisa: Go, Dad!
Homer: Ladies and gentlemen, this plant is--
[He falters as he gazes at the numerous people, finally arriving at his family.]
Homer: Oh, sit tight. I'll be right back
[He heads back into Burns’ office and tells him he can’t do it. [Burns realizes that Homer is very passionate about safety and won’t back down to anything; he keeps Homer on as the safety inspector anyway.]
Homer: I can't do it, Mr. Burns
Burns: You mean, you're willing to give up a good job and a raise just for your principles?
Homer: Mmm. When you put it that way, it does sound a little farfetched...but that's the lug you're looking at! And I vow to continue spending every free minute I have crusading for safety. Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes I have...crusading for safety! Of course, I'd have a lot less of those free minutes if you gave me the job
Burns: Mmm. You're not as stupid as you look or sound...or our best testing indicates. You've got the job. Now get to work!
Homer: I'll get to work, but first I have to say goodbye to some friends
[Homer goes back out to the balcony to announce to everyone his new job, the crowd cheers and Homer does a celebratory dance on the balcony ledge.]
Homer: Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog so you won't scrape yourself or stub your toes or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you this is...I'm going to be leaving you
[The crowd gasps.]
Homer: But don't worry. I have just been appointed the new safety inspector at this very plant...with a big, fat raise!
[The crowd cheers.]
Bart: Hey, that's my pop up there!
Lisa: Dad, watch out!
[However, Homer, the safety inspector himself, falls off the balcony. The crowd catches him below, and they carry him off on their shoulders, chanting his name.]
Homer: Whoa, easy! Don't drop me. Be careful
Crowd: Homer! Homer! Homer!
End of episode. 
Category:Transcripts