Trading Stocks 📈

Trading Stocks 📈 is the first episode of season five, and the forty-third episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on May 1, 2021.
==Plot==
Mr. Banana is all set to become a billionaire, but drama with The Stock Market!! 📉 arises. 
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at Mr. Banana’s House.]
Mr. Perkins: [on the TV] Today on BBTV Business News, we’re witnessing a breaking development on the stock market. Bikini Bottom will add new billionaires to its population, and we’ll announce who those lucky individuals are—
Mr. Banana: Oh boy, this is it! I’m about to become an official billionaire! My, and only my, hard work has finally paid off. I’m a self-made billionaire, just like Kylie Jenner!
Mr. Perkins: —after this commercial break.
[A commercial playing music begins.]
Mr. Banana: AHHH! MY EARS! MUSIC IS THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!
[Mr. Banana destroys the TV.]
Mr. Banana: BLASPHEMY HAS CEASED! Now, back to stock market news.
[Mr. Banana stares at the destroyed TV for a few minutes.]
Mr. Banana: Hmm...it doesn’t matter, I’m sure I became a billionaire just now. It’s time for a quick banana nap!
[Mr. Banana goes on the floor and is about to sleep, when his phone starts ringing.]
Mr. Banana: [picks up the phone] Hello?
Mr. Krabs: [on the phone] WE’RE SCREWED, BANANA, WE’RE SCREWED!
Mr. Banana: I’m happy to join the billionaire club, Eugene! After my nap is over, I’ll head right to Renaud’s family farm to buy some underage strawberries, and I’ll get the screwing of a lifetime!
Mr. Krabs: Underage strawberries? I knew you were into strawberries, but—
Mr. Banana: I’m gonna be a billionaire, remember?
Mr. Krabs: Nope.
Mr. Banana: Huh?
Mr. Krabs: WE JUST LOST ALL OUR BETS ON MERMAID MAN & BARNACLE BOY CORP. FAILING!
Mr. Banana: You’re kidding—
Mr. Krabs: I’m not! Their stock quote has spiked astronomically! It’s to the point where not only are you not a billionaire, but I’m not one anymore!
Mr. Banana: WHAT
Mr. Krabs: Tell Biden to take action, or else he and his girlfriend are banned from the Krusty Krab forever! [hangs up]
[Cut to the front yard of Mr. SquarePants’ Pineapple.]
Mr. SquarePants: Alright, let a rip!
[A truck on the street dumps millions of dollars worth of Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy merchandise onto the yard.]
Mr. SquarePants: Yay!
Mr. Tentacles: [opens his window] SpongeBob, what’s all the ruckus?
Mr. SquarePants: I’m a billionaire now, and look at what I bought! [throws a Barnacle Boy action figure at Mr. Tentacles]
Mr. Tentacles: WHAT
Mr. SquarePants: What can I do with all this money? End world hunger? Hmm...I got it! Buy more of these great toys! [kisses a Mermaid Man bra]
[Mr. Tentacles explodes.]
Mr. SquarePants: He must be so excited!
[Suddenly, Mr. Krabs walks up to Mr. SquarePants.]
Mr. Krabs: So, me boy, this is how you spend me money!
Mr. SquarePants: You mean my paycheck? Yeah, I invested it in stocks, and now—
Mr. Krabs: [slaps Mr. SquarePants] I’M NOT A BILLIONAIRE ANYMORE! Burn this all down immediately!
Mr. SquarePants: [starts crying] But...but why?
Mr. Krabs: Because as long as their business succeeds, mine will fail! And since you’re part of this conspiracy against me, you’re fired!
Mr. SquarePants: NO, MR. KRABS, I’M BEGGING YOU—
Mr. Krabs: You should’ve begged before you invested your money in something I didn’t approve of! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to the White House to make sure you peasants never disrupt my business again!
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! Elites from all over Bikini Bottom have called for President Biden and Congress to act on the latest stock market development. However, politicians on both sides of the aisle reject their pleas. We’re bringing in Democratic Representative Ocasio-Cortez and Republican Senator Cruz, who oppose any negotiations with said elites, to discuss this issue.
Ms. Ocasio-Cortez: These elites are only calling for government action because the working class is taking their money. When it’s the other way around, they call for government inaction. As Martin Luther King Jr said, our government is based on socialism for the rich and rugged individualism for the poor, so unfortunately they’ll probably get their way. But I’ll fight to reverse it!
Mr. Cruz: Yep. I have to say that I wholeheartedly agree with Alex’s stance, and I will assist that fight.
Ms. Ocasio Cortez: I am happy to work with Republicans on this issue where there’s common ground, but you almost had me murdered a few weeks ago so you can sit this one out. If you want to help, you can resign.
Mr. Cruz: Come on, just because I tried to murder you doesn’t mean we can’t work together! Hitler and Stalin wanted to kill each other, but they worked together by invading Poland and committing numerous war crimes there!
Mr. Perkins: We’re also bringing in Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, the primary beneficiaries of this development. What do you two have to say about all this?
Mr. Man: EVILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Boy: What my colleague meant to say is, if we can’t have democratic socialism, the least we want is a fair market.
Mr. Perkins: This just in, an Oval Office meeting between the elites and President Biden is happening right now!
[Cut to the Oval Office.]
Mr. Biden: So, Eugene, I hear you have something to say on behalf of Bikini Bottom’s richest.
Mr. Krabs: WE SAY, REGULATE THE ECONOMY NOW!
Mr. Biden: Absolutely not! That’s communism!
Mr. Banana: Not when it’s regulated in favor of us! 
Mr. Biden: Huh?
Mr. Banana: As Martin Luther King Jr said, our government is based on socialism for the rich and rugged individualism for the poor. Now that our welfare is threatened, it is time for the government to take action.
Mr. Biden: I see. Squilliam?
Mr. Fancyson: As Secretary of the Treasury and owner of Bikini Bottom’s largest trading company, I shall now impose a prohibition on trading Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy Corp. stocks, and the federal government shall pay billionaires all the money they lost in bets. [hands a paper to Mr. Biden] Sign here.
[Mr. Biden signs the paper, and the office erupts in applause.]
Mr. Banana: Ah, what can be greater than this?
Mr. Perkins: [on the TV] This just in, President Biden has signed a sweeping executive order reversing the effects of the stock market controversy. With this, the List of Billionaires has now changed: SpongeBob SquarePants has been removed, and Eugene Krabs and Mr. Banana have been added.
Mr. Banana: WOOHOO! NOW IT’S TIME FOR THE STRAWBERRIES!
[A few hours later, Mr. Banana and Mr. Renaud are seen driving, on the way to the Renaud Family Farm.]
Mr. Banana: You mean to tell me that your farm is where most of the world’s strawberries are produced?!
Mr. Renaud: Well, Spain produces the most strawberries, but we specialize in underage strawberries!
Mr. Banana: Even better! You know, this puts me in the mood for some...music.
[Mr. Renaud hits the brakes.]
Mr. Renaud: WHAT
Mr. Banana: Indeed. [takes out a CD of The Beatles’ “Strawberry Fields Forever” and inserts it into the player]
Mr. Renaud: But, but, did you not say this was blasphemy?! THE ENEMY OF PRODUCTIVITY?!
Mr. Banana: As of today, May 1, 2021, MUSIC WILL BE OFFICIALLY RE-CLASSIFIED AS "NEUTRAL." Music will no longer be classed as "THE ENEMY OF PRODUCTIVITY," that title officially goes to the Apple iPhone, Social Media industry, the Dark Web and the Internet, although music is still a minor-to-significant threat. Feel free to spread the word. @everyone 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
[Suddenly, a boat behind them is heard.]
Mr. Banana: Now who would be on this desolate road at this our, other than us?
Mr. Renaud: Perhaps this is where a fellow MAP does their molesting.
Mr. Banana: [opens the sunroof and looks out] Wait a minute...IT’S THE INVISIBLE BOATMOBILE!
Mr. Man: EEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Boy: Don’t touch those young strawberries, you billionaire!
Mr. Banana: Drive faster, Paul!
[Mr. Renaud speeds up the boat. They come to a fork, to which Mr. Renaud goes on the right path. They stop at the first house.]
Mr. Banana: Whew, I think we lost them.
Mr. Renaud: Hello?
[Silence.]
Mr. Renaud: Mom? Dad? Any of the kiddies imprisoned here? Where are you?
Mr. Banana: This place is far too gloomy for a strawberry farm, it looks more like a—
Broccoli #1: [wakes up] Uh, who are you?
Mr. Renaud: Where am I? My farm doesn’t produce broccoli, only strawberries and child sex slaves!
Broccoli #1: Hmm...I think you’re looking for the farm on the left path at the fork.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh.
Broccoli #1: Wait, what’s that behind you?
Mr. Banana: [hiding behind Mr. Renaud’s leg] Uh...definitely NOT a banana!
Broccoli #1: A BANANA?!
[The rest of the broccoli wake up.]
Mr. Renaud: Well, we should be going now…
[The episode ends as Mr. Renaud and Mr. Banana run back to the car and speed off, with the broccoli chasing them.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fifth Season
Category:Episodes
Category:2021 Episodes