Episode 124: Mummenschanz/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 124: Mummenschanz.
==Theme==
 	Kermit appears in the show's O.
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest stars, the Mummenschanz!
 	The banner rises, and the theme begins.
Chorus girls 	
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
It's time to meet the Muppets
On The Muppet Show tonight!
Male chorus 	
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain
On The Muppet Show tonight!
 	The curtain opens on Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Hey! 30 days has September, April, June, and my cousin Fred, who'll be out on Wednesday.
 	He tosses his hat. The curtain closes.
Kermit 	
To introduce our guest star,
That's what I'm here to do!
So it really makes me happy
To introduce to you —
the Mummenschanz!
 	Muppets gather around two of the Mummenschanz members.
Kermit 	But now let's get things started
Kermit & gang	
On the most sensational, inspirational
Celebrational, Muppetational
This is what we call The Muppet Show!
 	
 	BANG! Gonzo shoots the O.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And a rather unusual one we have planned, because our special guest stars are the unique masked theater group from Switzerland known as the Mummenschanz. But right now, let's get things started with Floyd, Scooter and the gang and "Mr. Bassman."
 	200px
 	Scooter and Floyd Pepper sing "Mr. Bassman" with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem backing them up.
Statler	Genius! Genius!
Waldorf	Author! Author!
Statler	A work of art.
Waldorf	Brilliant.
Statler	Uh, what was that about?
Waldorf	That was about, uh … (looks at his watch) … a minute and a half.
==Backstage==
 	Hilda observes as Fozzie talks on the phone, and Miss Piggy sings.
Fozzie 	Hello? Is this Dial-A-Joke? … (laughs)
Miss Piggy	
Fish got to swim, birds got to fly.
I've got to love one frog till I die.
 	She sees a note on the door of her dressing room.
Miss Piggy	Hmm. What is this? "My dearest Piggy, you must know how much I love you." (gasps, then continues) Uh, uh — "I cannot pretend any longer. I will wait for you in the dressing room, mon cher."
 	
Miss Piggy	(gasps) It has happened! Oh! My Kermit has admitted his love for me at last. And now, he waits within. Oh, come to my arms, my little passion flower!
 	She goes into the dressing room and shuts the door.
Miss Piggy	I'm here, my love.
 	WHOOSH! Gonzo throws himself at her.
 	
Gonzo 	Kissy kissy?
 	She screams and falls down. Gonzo sighs.
==Mummenschanz==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Our special guest, the Mummenschanz, is a group of performers who – Well, they're kind of distant cousins to the Muppets. They use a unique mixture of pantomime and masks that's about as difficult to describe as to pronounce. Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.
 	
 	For their first act, they wear masks with different facial expressions drawn on. As the story progresses, they tear away pieces of the mask or draw on the mask, revealing new expressions.
Waldorf	Fantastic. Incredible. They remind me of puppets.
Statler	Hmm, puppets. I've always hated puppets.
Waldorf	Aw, you're a traitor to your class.
Statler	What class? I never even graduated.
 	Waldorf gives Statler a smack in the face.
==Backstage==
 	Gonzo follows Piggy with flowers, singing.
 	
Gonzo 	She kissed me. She put her arms around me and she kissed me.
Miss Piggy	It was a case of mistaken identity.
Gonzo 	Oh. Hug me, Miss Piggy! Hold me!
Miss Piggy	I will not hug you, you twit turkey.
Gonzo 	Oh. Hold my hand, pig of my dreams!
Miss Piggy	Will you beat it, twerp??
Gonzo 	Just touch me, o hog of my heart!
Miss Piggy	Here's a touch for you, wimp buzzard.
Gonzo 	I'm ready!
Miss Piggy	(karate-chop) Hi-YAH!
 	She walks off. Gonzo gets up.
Gonzo 	(singing) She touched me. She swung her porky pinkies and she touched me. (faints)
=="The Blue Danube"==
	
	"The Blue Danube" is performed by the noisy patrons of a library. Miss Piggy sneezes or coughs her part. Fozzie Bear blows his nose and taps on the table. Hilda rustles the pages of a newspaper. Nigel chews gum, and Zelda Rose, the librarian, conducts the whole thing, as Wayne and Wanda dance.
==Mummenschanz==
Kermit	Uh, the Mummenschanz do some very strange-looking things. Things that look like this.
 	
 	One of the members assumes the role of a caterpillar.
Kermit	And then there's something that goes like this.
 	
 	One of the members assumes the role of a fly.
Kermit	And how about this one?
 	
 	One of the members assumes the role of a green mouth that catches a speck with its tongue and eats it.
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Male pig 	How long we been going together, anyway?
Female pig 	Oh, about ten years.
Male pig 	Well, it's time we got married.
Female pig 	(gasp) Oh, gee, it's so sudden.
 	Mildred and George, together again.
Mildred 	There is such riff-raff here. Wouldn't you rather be associated with a better class of people?
George the Janitor	Yeah. But you were the only one not dancing. (laughs)
 	Animal dances with a woman.
Woman 	Animal, my watch won't run.
Animal 	Ah! Here, I run it for you.
 	He grabs her by the wrist and runs with her as she yelps. Meanwhile, Rowlf dances with another woman.
Rowlf 	Hey, you are one cute tomato, my little dumpling, my little cupcake, my little lamb chop.
Woman 2 	Oh, that makes me feel so so ...
Rowlf 	Amorous? Let's kiss.
Woman 2 	No, hungry. Let's eat.
 	Switch to two Whatnots.
Blue Whatnot 	Hey, you know these jokes they give us each week? You know, they make me so mad, I could blow my top.
Pink Whatnot 	Me too.
Blue Whatnot 	Ladies first.
 	Her head explodes, then his. They continue dancing.
 	
Blue Whatnot 	Ah, I feel better now.
==UK spot==
 	
 	An eel sings "When I'm Not Near the Fish I Love."
 	Waldorf sneezes, and his face deflates.
Waldorf	(muffled) Statler?
Statler	Oh, OK.
 	Statler blows into Waldorf's ear, inflating his face back to normal.
Waldorf	Thank you.
Statler	's all right.
==Talk spot==
 	The three Mummenschanz members sit with Kermit at the regular spot.
Kermit 	Well, uh, this is the part of the show where I usually spend a few moments talking to the guest stars, but in this case the Mummenschanz don't talk, do you?
 	They nod.
Kermit 	Yeah? Oh, well, um, ahem, in that case, uh, say something. I mean, say anything. It doesn't have to be important. I mean, you can say something silly.
 	#1 blows bubbles out its mask.
Kermit 	Ask for silly, you get silly.
 	#2 enlarges their eyes (balloons).
Kermit 	Uh, does anybody have anything important to say?
 	#3 raises their hand.
Kermit 	Yeah?
 	#3 unscrews the cap of their mask (a gasoline container), and out comes a ping-pong ball. #3 puts the ping-pong ball into the lid of #2's head. #2 blows noisemakers out their head.
 	
Kermit 	And, uh, with that thought we bid goodbye to the talk spot for another week.
Waldorf	Bravo! Bravo!
Statler	What are you bravoing about?
Waldorf	That performance. It was first-rate.
Statler	Yes, it was good. But only one act I've ever seen deserved a bravo.
Waldorf	Oh, really? Who was that?
Statler	Lady Beth Macintosh and her singing parakeets. I'll never forget her closing night at the Palace.
Waldorf	What happened?
Statler	Well, she fell into a box of birdseed just before going on stage, and she was pecked to death by the parakeets!
Waldorf	That's a hard act to follow.
Statler	Yeah. Well, I was there and I cried.
Waldorf	Really? What did you cry?
Statler	"Bravo! Bravo!"
 	Waldorf nods.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit stands with Gonzo. They see Piggy approaching.
Kermit 	Oh, here she comes. Get down, get down.
Gonzo 	Oh. Yeah. (hides)
Kermit 	Oh, hi, uh, Piggy, my dear.
Miss Piggy	Did you call me "my dear," Kermie?
Kermit 	Indeed I did. I was just wondering if you'd like to go to dinner after the show?
Miss Piggy	What?
Kermit 	Yeah. You know, a quiet, candlelit meal with soft music, perhaps some wine. (she swoons) And then go dancing, and walk by the river in the moonlight.
 	
Miss Piggy	Oh, I would love those things, my dear.
 	He reveals Gonzo.
Kermit 	Good. So would Gonzo here, and I hope the two of you have a great evening.
 	He shoves Gonzo onto Piggy and exits, laughing.
 	
Gonzo 	Kissy kissy?
Miss Piggy	I'm gonna cut you in half for this, Frog!
==Wayne and Wanda==
Sam the Eagle	It is my distinct pleasure at this time to present Wayne and Wanda, of whom noted composer and conductor Leonard Bernstein wrote: (reads from a newspaper) "These two are a manifestation of the musical mediocrity that passes for talent in our troubled times." Hm. Nice review.
 	The curtain opens on Wayne and Wanda in a gazebo setting as music swells up.
 	
Wayne 	
Say it's only a paper moon,
Hanging over a —
 	The paper moon falls on him. Wanda shrieks.
 	
==Vendaface==
 	Statler walks by the Vendaface machine.
Vendaface	Hello. I am Vendaface.
Statler 	Huh?
Vendaface	Simply insert coin in slot, step up to machine, and I will rearrange your looks.
Statler 	All right.
 	He inserts the coin in the slot.
Vendaface	Phase one.
 	Two mechanical hands emerge and tilt Statler's head upward.
Statler 	This good?
 	
 	The right hand punches Statler's face, leaving it twisted. The hands retract; Statler walks away.
==Backstage==
 	Piggy approaches Kermit as he sits at his desk.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermit? That was a low and dirty trick, setting up a date with me and Gonzo. Wasn't it?
Kermit 	Well — Well, Piggy, I suppose it was, yeah. I'm sorry.
Miss Piggy	Oh, really? Oh! How sweet of you to apologize so abjectly to your lover pig.
 	She leans on his shoulder. Gonzo leans on her shoulder.
Kermit 	Well, that wasn't exactly an abject apology.
 	Piggy talks back and forth to Kermit and Gonzo.
Miss Piggy	Get away from me, you jive geek! – Kermit, now that you've begged for my forgiveness – DON'T TOUCH ME, CREEP!! – Why don't we just kissy-poo and make up, my darling? — YOU'RE BREATHING ON ME!! — Kissy kissy?
Kermit 	Uh … Well, Piggy, while I appreciate this offer of affection, I hope you'll understand when I tell you, as usual, that I do not want you.
 	
Gonzo 	Oh, then, can I have her?
 	She uses both hands to karate-chop them both.
Miss Piggy	Hi-YAH! … That is known as getting two turkeys with one chop. Humph!
 	She walks off. Kermit and Gonzo get up, dazed and crumpled.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here's a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, Moscow. Sergei Lenofsky, whom the Russians claim is the world's oldest living human, celebrated his 196th birthday yesterday by taking a deep breath. Sergei has 96 children, 150 grandchildren and 228 great-grandchildren … none of whom visit him. Said his youngest son, Leonid: "He smells funny."
 	
==Mummenschanz==
Kermit	Ladies and gentlemen, the Mummenschanz.
 	
 	The Mummenschanz perform with masks made of clay. As the scene progresses, they add more and more clay, changing their appearance. The one character is jealous of the other's ability to make beautiful sculptures with his face. Soon, this devolves into a battle in which they eventually find themselves stuck to each other.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's about all the time we have ...
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Kermit, my love, I am so sorry about my little temper tantrum. Old Buzzard Beak was driving me crazy.
 	WHOOSH! Gonzo throws himself at her again.
Gonzo 	You drive me crazy, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	You know something, Nasty Nose? I'm going to send you on a one-way trip to the geek farm!!
Gonzo 	Send me!
 	She punches him, then holds up her fist.
 	
Miss Piggy 	Pig power!
 	She exits.
Kermit 	Well, the course of true love never runs smooth. But right now, let's have a warm thank-you to our special guest stars, Andres Bossard, Floriana Frassetto and Bernie Schurch, better known as the Mummenschanz.
 	
Mummenschanz	(in unison) Thank you, Kermit. It's been great.
Kermit 	Say, you guys really do work as a team. We'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show!
 	Floyd, Scooter, George, Hilda and Piggy gather around the Mummenschanz as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	That was a funny show.
Statler 	Yes, it was. I wonder if they meant it that way?
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts