WikiViews/Elastigirl (2020 film)

== SCRIPT ==
Noah: (Waking up unconscious) Wh... what did I miss?
???: Greetings Mr. Biondi.
Noah: Huh? What are you?
Satan: You don't remember me? SATAN?!
Noah: Uh, no, I don't, actually.
Satan: For shame.
Noah: Whatever. The point is, I'm doing WikiViews again. Anything interesting pop up around here?
Satan: Uh... Nolan and Dillon met Walt Disney and his sluts and some other weird shit.
Noah: That seems ordinary. Anything else? I heard there was a big funeral or something for when I left. Does that mean everyone... faked my death?
Satan: They did? I didn't know of this.
Noah: I also got one of those Feliz Jueves cards or whatever. There's, like, a picture of Asuka on it or something, it's when she was running to her dead mother. I think someone's grandma gave me this.
Satan: How would someone's grandma even know what Evangelion is?
Noah: (Staring at the fourth wall) I don't know!
Satan: I found a movie that you can review.
Noah: Oh, um... what's it called?
Satan: ELASTIGIRL!
Noah: Wait wait wait... Elastigirl?
Satan: YUP!
Noah: They made a fucking movie about Elastigirl? They made Incredibles 3 AND a fucking Elastigirl movie?
Satan: Yes!
Noah: I think it's because Incredibles 2 made 1.2 billion dollars.
Satan: Yep! Money exists.
Noah: Alright, let's see if it's any good.
*Clips show*
Noah: (VO) So it starts out with Rick Dicker interrogating Elastigirl (cough cough, Jack-Jack Attack and Incredibles 2 much?) for a company called Voltco.
Elastigirl/Helen Parr: Well, um... what's this company called, then?
Rick Dicker: Voltco.
Elastigirl/Helen Parr: Voltco? What do you mean, "Voltco"?
Rick Dicker: That's just the company's name. So, what is it? Are you in, or are you out?
Dillon: Why is Rick working for a company?
Noah: Yeah, this pretty much goes against his dedication to keeping the supers safe as establishing in the first two films.
Dillon: Is he brainwashed?
*The stock "ding" sound effect plays as a text appears, saying "NEVER EXPLAINED!"*
Noah: Oh, goodie! Off to a great start!
Dillon: Super great! Suberb!
*Shows clips*
Noah: (VO) So then we sorta resolve the cliffhanger from Incredibles 2- which really didn't need to be resolved by the way- as we see the Parr family face off against the robbers who are speeding across the road.
Dash: Violet, look out!
Violet: Huh? (Some rubble falls and Violet forms a forcefield)
Noah: Okay, this is kinda cool... we get some fun action and great animation, plus Michael Giacchino just keeps delivering!
Dillon: Wait wasn't this marketed as a prequel?
Noah: I don't even know anymore. Maybe it's like the movie Memento where it's told entirely out of order.
Dillon: Guess so.
Noah: Wait, hang on-
*NEVER EXPLAINED flashes again.*
Noah: There we go! You see, writing should be easy. Explaining why they're picking up from here is apparently too hard.
Dillon: Mhm. This is insane.
*More clips show.*
Noah: (VO) Of fucking course, because it's an Incredibles movie, the Parrs and Frozone accidentally cause unnecessary damage and end up destroying the whole fucking city. This, of course, causes superheroes to be illegal a-FUCKING-gain.
Dillon: Weren't the first films made to show that you shouldn't judge heroes by as much damage they cause?
Noah: Mhm, and we have to go back to Square One AGAIN AGAIN!
Dillon: It makes sense for the second movie to do the damage thing because of one reason SUPERS WERE STILL ILLEGAL!
Noah: AND THE CONFLICT WAS ALREADY RESOLVED AND THEY BECAME LEGAL AGAIN, AND THEN NOW THEY'RE MAGICALLY ILLEGAL AGAIN JUST BECAUSE THEY CAUSED DAMAGE THAT WASN'T EVEN ENTIRELY THEIR FAULT! Why? Because once again, writing should be easy.
Dillon: And these are normal criminals! Not some Underminer return shit!
Noah: How did they even cause that much da- oh wait.
*NEVER EXPLAINED flashes.*
Noah: I should get used to that.
Dillon: Let's see what else happens.
Noah: (VO) The entire city is destroyed, but what's Violet's biggest concern?
Violet: Now I'll never be able to go on my date with Tony. I blew it again!
Noah: WHAT THE FUCK? THE ENTIRE CITY IS DESTROYED AND YOU'RE UPSET OVER NOT BEING ABLE TO GO ON A DATE WITH YOUR FUCKING 5 MINUTE BOYFRIEND? WHAT THE FUCK? YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY YOU'RE EVEN ALIVE, FUCK DAMMIT! HE'S PROBABLY DEAD!
Dillon: THIS IS FUCKING SELFISH AND SHALLOW!
(More clips are shown)
Noah: (VO) So the Parr family is told to escape Metroville and they move to a forest to hide their cover. They seriously couldn't think of a smarter option?
Dillon: Like convince the government people they are being stupid?
Noah: But that's okay, they need an excuse to get the Voltco people involved!
Dillon: Why does Voltco exist again?
Noah: What do you think?
Dillon: No reason?
Noah: Close, it's actually never explained.
*the never explained ding shows again*
Voltco Representative: Elastigirl! Come with us! There's no time to explain!
Noah: Guess it fits the theme of the movie.
Dillon: Make that the tagline.
(Cuts to footage)
Noah: (VO) Elastigirl is taken to Voltco when she is sent back in time to... advertise Voltco products so that superheroes can use it to make their everyday lives easier?
*Noah explodes again.*