No Shit, Sher-bot/Script

EpicLLOYD: I’m EpicLLOYD, and I’m alone, because Peter went to the hospital! With Capone, who, due to Bieber’s assery, is currently unconscious. And this is Total Drama ERB.
Clone Goku: I’m a wasp, buzz buzz!
EpicLLOYD: I have my buddy here with me, Goku. He’s here to keep the mood good for the kiddies, because this night is gonna be a thriller.
Michael Jackson: TEE-HEE!
EpicLLOYD: Also, Michael’s here because apparently we haven’t had enough “Michael”. Whatever that means.
Michael Jackson: BELIEVE in yourself, Billy!
Clone Goku: I’m a genie!
Michael Jackson: That’s the spirit!
EpicLLOYD: Here on Total Drama ERB!
*The scene transitions to where the last episode left off, in Edgar Allan Poe’s bedroom with the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come*
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Boo!
Edgar Allan Poe: AH!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: You have been warned, by a clock strike of three! Do not believe everything that you see! The answer to this riddle is for the challenge to throw, prevent yourself from being on death’s row! The swarm…the SWARM! It looks like a storm! The loser of this the devil shall not mourn! For he is here, with a hat on his head! Raise a hand to him, or else you are dead!
Edgar Allan Poe: What did you say, Mr. Skeleton face?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: This is your chance, I take my stance. No good from a man who fell out with France! Before I am gone, and before you yawn, make sure you are gone, by the arrival of dawn!
*The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come leaves the room in a poof, leaving Edgar Allan Poe confused.*
Edgar Allan Poe: Fall out, hatred…such a weird statement… France…Canada! Of course! That’s it! He also wears a hat, that little shit! Swarms upon fans, storms upon hands, cheering on this one man boy band! It’s so clear why the end is near; Bieber’s out to kill us, that pain in the rear! Wait…France…Napoleon…no…swarm? Wasp? Goku? Oh! Wait…devil…God…Eve, I believe? Or Vader? Nah, he’s too naïve. So it’s most likely Bieber as I can agree, I must warn the others! To a sensible degree.
EpicLLOYD (via intercom): Challenge time! Ooh, spooky!
Michael Jackson (via intercom): SHAMONE!
Clone Goku (via intercom): He left yesterday, silly!
Edgar Allan Poe: My time to shine, with my impeccable rhymes! But why at this time? What’s up with this guy?
*The scene transitions to the final five in a forest, with EpicLLOYD, Clone Goku and Michael Jackson.*
EpicLLOYD: Welcome to today’s spooky challenge!
Clone Goku: I wet myself already!
Michael Jackson: Ew.
EpicLLOYD: Today is a very special day…because I was playing some random game, it’s not obvious what, and I thought “what makes a lot of sense with robots? Detectives!” So meet today’s challenge host, Sherlock Holmes!
Sherlock Holmes: Your logic is astounding…as in so stupid it leaves me grasping for logic.
Clone Goku: Nice duck!
Sherlock Holmes: It’s a hat, you dolt.
Clone Goku: Can I pet it…?
Sherlock Holmes: Tonight, you guys will be hiding? From what, you ask? From your biggest fears. Killer robots. Well, not killer, per se. More just your local kids playing tag and getting you involved while you’re eating food and minding your own business. Anyways, take these.
*Sherlock hands out 5 radar screens to each player, which shows 5 dots for them and 4 dots in the distance*
Sherlock Holmes: Each green dot is you guys, right here. Each red dot, those are Marvin, DiMaggio, and Maria. This guy in the corner, the really big red dot, he’s Malfoy. You don’t want to meet Malfoy. But he wants to meet you. They all do. But he wants to see you most of all. Your goal is to survive, while these robots roam around to get you. Most will just wander. But Malfoy…see, as we speak, he’s moving. He’s already out for you. One of you. Beware.
*Sherlock steps into the shadows eerily as Clone Goku watches him*
Edgar Allan Poe: I quite like that guy, I don’t know why.
EpicLLOYD: Goku, M.J., and I will be sitting in this helicopter we didn’t get from Putin, by the way, above watching this unfold. The robots are programmed to not leave the bounds of the screen, and you guys aren’t allowed to either, or I’ll use this Russian rocket launcher that just so happens to be on the copter on you guys. Don’t tell Putin. Okay?
*The five look at each other confused.*
EpicLLOYD: That’s the spirit! Go!
Clone Goku: Ha, spirit.
Michael Jackson: Let’s watch this…I got my popcorn.
EpicLLOYD: Mind sharing?
*The scene cuts to later. Justin Bieber has split up and headed in alone, with Napoleon Dynamite, Edgar Allan Poe, Eve, and Darth Vader wandering through alone.*
Darth Vader: ...so, we're all in agreement, right? Eliminate Justin Bieber soon as this challenge is over?
Eve: Pretty much.
Napoleon Dynamite: The sooner, the better.
Edgar Allan Poe: I most certainly, as I must confess, a prophecy was fortold that will cause a mess.
Darth Vader: Prophecy, you say? Of what sort?
Edgar Allan Poe: It is hard to say, but if I am right, we must stay aware! We are in for a fright! There's an evil that's lurking in these woods, and it's not the robots, it's the kid with the hood! Of course it's Bieber, he poisoned Capone! He's out for us each! He'll break us like sticks with stones! I fear for us all, for he's evil; be a believer! If we are not careful, we'll fall to Bieber!
Darth Vader: Was it specifically said it would be him?
Edgar Allan Poe: Not specifically, no, but of this I am sure; verbal hints I was given would lead straight to his door! A hat on his head, a swarm of fans, he is the devil with a fall out with France! So beware, the pop star that we all despise, will most certainly be our demise! Death awaits around every corner, so beware! Beware! Beware before-
*The sound of heavy footsteps is heard nearby. All four instinctively look to their radars to see a small red dot wandering dangerously close.*
Eve: *whispering* Okay, wow, enough of that. We are all dangerously close to being caught. We need to make a run for it fast.
Napoleon Dynamite: '*whispering* That sounds good. Let's see... Vader, you go that way; Poe, go that way; Eve, go that way; and I'll go that way.
Darth Vader: Who made you the leader?
Napoleon Dynamite: *whispering* Shh! No one! We're all working as a team against Bieber; no one is the leader in this. As long as we survive long enough until Bieber is out, then it doesn't matter who goes out next. We just have to make sure-
*Suddenly, Napoleon Dynamite is pulled away from the group by a robot hand. Instinctively, the three scream loud and make a mad run for it as Napoleon Dynamite is taken away by Maria. On the radars, both Napoleon Dynamite's and Maria's dots disappear. The scene soon cuts to Eve alone in the forest, just wandering slowly. She's shivering from the coldness of the night, holding her arms. She's constantly checking her radar, making sure she's far enough away from the red dots. She sighs with relief at seeing that she is, then sees a green dot nearby.*
Eve: *whispering* Please don't tell me that that's-
Justin Bieber: HEY there, Eve! How's it going? Totally didn't expect meet you here all alone in these dark woods where no one will find us or possibly even hear you scream.
Eve: *whispering* Shit, shit, I knew it, shit...
*Eve turns and makes a run for it, unintentionally heading in the direction of a robot.*
Justin Bieber: Geez, what's her problem? Oh, well.
*Justin Bieber shrugs, carrying on his way. Eve hurries, before glancing down at her radar and gasping sharply. She dives behind a tree quickly; just in time, too, as diMaggio slowly passes by the tree. She clutches at the tree, nervously peaking out to watch as the giant robot stomps by. Once it's far away enough, she makes a run for it in the direction he was just coming from, checking her radar to make sure that there weren't any more robots in that direction.
The scene then quickly switches to Darth Vader wandering alone. He glances around, standing up tall and proud in keeping his cool.*
Darth Vader: *whispering* Ugh...this is so stupid... At least I'm wearing this dumb suit so I'm not freezing my ass out here. ...speaking of freezing asses, I should order some carbonite to this island and stick Bieber in some of it... If whatever the hell Poe was talking about was right, then Bieber really will get in my way of conquering this game. And like hell I'm going to allow that.
*He glances down at his radar, sighing with relief as the three remaining red dots were rather far away from him.*
Darth Vader: *whispering* Heh. I'm gonna win this for sure. Suck it, Bieber.
*Suddenly, the large red dot rapidly begins approaching his own.*
Darth Vader: *whispering* ...fuck, that must be Malfoy...
*Darth Vader turned, seeing two white dots growing in the distance, headed straight towards him. Standing his ground, he readied himself until the robot reached him. Right as it did, he gripped the robot at the waist and suddenly flung it backwards, throwing it deep into the forest behind him. With that, Darth Vader made a mad dash into the forest, quickly hiding himself as Malfoy got back up and began searching again.
The scene transitions to Poe, sitting in a bush by the edge of the map’s boundaries*
Edgar Allan Poe: *whispering* What to do…I must leave…but what if Bieber still succeeds? He still might kill Eve or Vader, or Napoleon, and the hosts later! I feel bad, for having to leave. But I guess it’s how it’s supposed to be.
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: *materializes before Edgar Allan Poe* Have you not left, from my warn of the pest? You mustn’t rest, if you want success. I will tell of your leaving, I work on the show. They trust my word, every bit, so I am no foe.
Edgar Allan Poe: But, are you foe to Poe? What would you know? Surely this is a scheme to get me off the show! He put you up to this, that rapscallion twat! Well hear me out; leave, I will not! Nice try, but I want to win, not to cry! No barrel for me, my clothes shall stay dry!
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Surely you can trust a fellow rhymer like I; and being who I am, I know who will die. And that “know” that I know of is some gritty poet whose death is quite certain, more than he knows of. Perhaps I should show him, he needs more than some vocals. Why would I randomly warn you of locals? I am not some sick guy who gets kicks out of lies! I’m the ruler of death, and fake bluff I despise! Leave now, Edgar, before my story comes true! Want some proof of my tale? I am you. *disappears*
Edgar Allan Poe: Excuse me, what? I don’t believe you, you butt! Don’t say I am you, we are not the same! For one, we both have different names!
*Edgar Allan Poe suddenly receives a haunting thought, scaring him to the ground.*
Edgar Allan Poe: GAH! What’s this in my head? This grotesque imagery which fills me with dread! I look like a corpse, and am covered in blood! If all this is true, then away I must run! First to the judges, then away from the sun! I mustn’t stay, if this image is clear! This can’t be the truth, but why else would he come here?
*Suddenly, diMaggio arises behind him, immediately snatching him from the bushes and pulling him away with a bloodcurtling scream following shortly after. Its dot disappears, as does Edgar Allan Poe's.
The scene switchs to Eve as she hurries through the forest, glancing at her radar.*
Eve: *whispering* Looks like that another one is out, and took someone out with it. I can only hope it was Bieber... This means that there are two others left before- Oof!
*Eve finds herself crashing into Darth Vader, falling down on top of him before rolling off.*
Eve: *whispering* Gah, sorry about that.
Darth Vader: *whispering* Hmph... It's fine. It's pitch-black, so it's understandable.
Eve: *whispering* Yeah... So, someone went out. Hopefully Bieber..
Justin Bieber: Nope!
Darth Vader and Eve: AH!
Justin Bieber: What? Do I have something on my face?
Darth Vader: Yeah, a fuck-ton of ugly.
Eve: *whispering* Guys, keep quiet!
Justin Bieber: Why? They're fucking robots. They can't hear us anyways.
*The bushes rumbles as Marvin stomps out.*
Justin Bieber: ...huh. Guess I might've been wrong.
Eve: *whispering* Fuck!!
*Eve quickly makes a run for it in the opposing direction as Marvin swipes at Justin Bieber. He quickly ducks down, but Darth Vader wastes no time in shoving him at the robot before quickly running in Eve's direction. Marvin snatches Justin Bieber and slowly carries him off, both of their dots disappearing off of the map. After a long while of running, Eve stops and collapses against a tree, panting heavily.*
Eve: Dammit... I'm exhausted...
Darth Vader: Don't worry, we've only got one robot left. Bieber is done for anyways, so whichever of us it gets, it doesn't matter. He's doomed, we're going to win, and-
*Suddenly, Malfoy stomps down right in front of them, letting off a loud roar that echoes through the forest. It launches a punch at Darth Vader, him just barely rolling out of the way.*
Darth Vader: Okay, shit, this one might actually be out to kill us.
*Malfoy proceeds to attempt to attack Darth Vader, stumbling around but running after him remarkably fast.*
Darth Vader: Shit, this thing is really resilient... *trips and crashes to the ground* Dammit!
Eve: Vader, watch out!
*As Malfoy throws another punch, another robot suddenly lands down right in front of him and blocks the punch.*
Darth Vader: What the fuck...?
Eve: Is that...?
Robo-Rogers: Hi there, neighbors.
Darth Vader: Haven't seen this creep since...what, the cooking challenge? I can't remember...
Robo-Rogers: I hear there’s a group of robots fucking around in my neighborhood.
*Malfoy roars a mechanical roar and launches his hands at Robo-Rogers, who jumps and dodges them.*
Robo-Rogers: I have one question, Malfoy. I am your neighbor. Want me to lend some sugar?
*Malfoy lunges at Rogers, landing on the ground and breaking part of his head*
Robo-Rogers: No? Well why don’t I…
*Robo-Rogers pulls his hands in, and puts out 2 SMGs.*
Robo-Rogers: Lend some lead for my fucked up friend?
*Robo-Rogers shoots Malfoy, who simply tries punching him, only to have his hand blown up.*
Robo-Rogers: Eat lead, motherfucker.
Malfoy: DePlOy MiSsIlE uNiT.
*Malfoy begins to arm missiles on his shoulders, but Robo-Rogers shoots his head off*
Robo-Rogers: Goodbye, neighbor.
*Malfoy self-destructs, nearly hurting Darth Vader and Eve. The sun starts to rise as they do.*
Eve: Is that the sun?
Darth Vader: Maybe… Ugh, ouch that hurts.
*The helicopter lowers down, EpicLLOYD shouting through a megaphone as Clone Goku waves down excitedly at them.*
Clone Goku: Hiiii! You guys look like ants from up here!
Michael Jackson: Ow! We've got one real smooth criminal in this game!
EpicLLOYD: Vader and Eve get immunity today!
Eve: Woohoo!
Darth Vader: Yes!
EpicLLOYD: No resting tonight, contestants. It’s voting time!
*The scene cuts to the elimination ceremony, George Watsky standing there in EpicLLOYD's place.*
George Watsky: Welcome to the ceremony, fuckers.
Eve: Where’s Lloyd? 
Justin Bieber: Get on with it, we need sleep.
George Watsky: Well, um… 
EpicLLOYD: *tackles Watsky* You do not fucking lock me up in a closet again.
George Watsky: When did you come out of that closet?
EpicLLOYD: *steps on Watsky and grabs the votes from him* You better edit that out, Macho Man. So, let’s do it, shall we? So, Eve and Vader are safe from the barrel tonight, which leaves us with the love triangle.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ew…
Justin Bieber: Gross!
Edgar Allan Poe: I’m just friends with Napoleon Dynamite, and I hope Bieber freezes in carbonite.
Darth Vader: When are we getting to the actual votes?
EpicLLOYD: Fine. One vote against Bieber, one against Poe, one against Bieber, one against Bieber, and one against Bieber, so, for the moment you all have been waiting for, see you in a barrel tonight, Bieber!
Justin Bieber: What?! Oh, HELL no! No way I'm getting voted off!
EpicLLOYD: Sorry, buddy. But the votes don't lie. Your reign of douchiness has come to an end. See ya never, punk.
Napoleon Dynamite: HAH! Suck it, Bieber!
Darth Vader: That's what you get for betraying me. No one, and I mean no one, backstabs a Sith Lord.
Eve: Hah! Now it looks like I really am the only girl on the team left.
Edgar Allan Poe: I am now at ease, for at last, the resident villain's time has passed...
EpicLLOYD: ...at least, that's what I WOULD say if this was a real elimination.
Final Five: WHAT?!
EpicLLOYD: It's the final five, guys, come on. We haven't had a reward challenge yet. Haven't given you all some time to really relax. But we decided, seeing as we've reached the final five of the game, there will be no eliminations for tonight. And, instead, Darth Vader will get a VERY nice reward instead, which you can then share with people of your choosing.
Darth Vader: Oh...cool.
Edgar Allan Poe: No...no! This cannot be! Bieber must go immediately!
EpicLLOYD: Yeah, he sucks ass.
Justin Bieber: I'm right here!
EpicLLOYD: But hey, we wanted to do something nice for you all. As well, considering how later it is, we're also letting you all get a full days' sleep tomorrow before another challenge starts the day after.
Edgar Allan Poe: Please, eliminate him! This, I beg! If you do not, then this action, you'll dread!
Justin Bieber: Ugh, shut up already. I get to stay, and you all get a dumb reward. Win-win for us all.
Edgar Allan Poe: I cannot allow this, or else I may die... I am announcing that I shall now quit! Goodbye!
Napoleon Dynamite: Wait...what?! No! Dude, you can't leave!
Edgar Allan Poe: But I must, for if I do not, a skeleton is to what I will rot! My death is to come and at his hands, so I wish you all the best, my dearest of friends.
Justin Bieber: Goddammit, stop making me out to be worse than Hitler!
Eve: You DID cause Capone to nearly die, you know.
Darth Vader: And you tampered with the votes. Not even Hitler would do that.
(Confessional) Darth Vader: Trust me. I'd know. ...because Hitler told me and all.
Justin Bieber: Yeah, YOU would know, him being your boyfriend and all.
Darth Vader: Oh, you're one to talk about-
Justin Bieber: Fuck off.
Edgar Allan Poe: You are all missing the point! I am done! I must leave now on the word of Yet to Come! Death's advice rings true, evil is afoot! So watch yourselves, or you will turn to soot! I must leave! To the barrel I go! I'm leaving this game, I'm leaving this show. I will miss you dearly, this is true. Napoleon, Vader, Eve, I bid you adieu.
Napoleon Dynamite: Dammit, no! Look, we can make it through this. We can all get him off next challenge.
Edgar Allan Poe: It is too late for that, as he is not yet gone. And in his place, it is I who can't go on. Dynamite, you are my dearest friend, so listen by the prayerful; the truest evil, Bieber, still lurks, so you MUST be careful.
*Edgar Allan Poe leaves to the docks with EpicLLOYD.*
Justin Bieber: Listen up! You’re all dead to me, got it? I am the one owning this competition! And this little girl, asthma, and toothpick will not stop me.
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: They think they’re so smart trying to vote me out! I would have been dead meat if it wasn’t for Poe chickening out. That means I owe something to Poe? Disgusting! Oh, they are going to pay alright.
(Confessional) Napoleon Dynamite: I used to hate Bieber, but now with the whole prophecy thing by Death? 
(Confessional) Eve: Goodie. I’m in the final three. Bieber’s gonna be out soon enough. He seems worse than Goku now. Did I just say that?
(Confessional) Darth Vader: We must do anything to prevent the prophecy. *gulps nervously*
*Justin Bieber glares at the other three contestants as the campfire blows out. The scene then cuts to the docks as Hulk Hogan lifts Edgar Allan Poe up into a barrel.*
Hulk Hogan: You really wanted that Bieber kid gone, huh?
Edgar Allan Poe: Justin leaving, yes, that would be nice, but unfortunately, I have come to follow Death’s advice. Now get out of my way, my time to leave is upon. I shouldn’t be here when the clock says it’s dawn. But I shan’t worry, Napoleon, Vader, and Eve, shall guarantee that he will leave. But for now, relax, but don’t think you have won! Farewell, little isle, Edgar Allan Poe. Is. Gone. 
*Hulk Hogan puts the lid on the barrel and watches it sink as Justin Bieber comes up to them from behind.* 
EpicLLOYD: Well, that was… something. Will Bieber ever recover from his almost doom? Will Dynamite ever recover from Poe being gone? Will the prophecy ever come true? Find out on Total! Drama!
Justin Bieber: ERB! Now go fuck yourself, fartbag.
*The three leave the docks, one last figure remaining as he had watched Edgar Allan Poe sink into the ocean.*
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: As the only wise man here leaves, my hope crumbles. But I am not fond of the sick lies he mumbles...
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script