Small Soldiers/Transcript

== Transcript ==
Globotech Announcer: GloboTech Industries, long recognized as the worldwide leader in high-tech weaponry, is now reaching even higher. Under the leadership of CEO, Gil Mars, GloboTech engineers are blazing the trail into tomorrow's most exciting sector. Introducing advanced battlefield technology into consumer products for the whole family. For the first time, you and yours will enjoy the same high quality standards as demanded by the Defense Department, at private sector prices. GloboTech, turning swords into plowshares for you and your family.
Irwin Wayfair: He's here! He's early! He's not supposed to be here now. He said... okay, here's the copy of... check.
Larry Benson: Chickens. Let me help you with these. Pretty exciting, huh?
Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kind of sad. Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids. Gil Mars won't care about that. He's just going to care about profits. I think it sucks.
Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
Irwin Wayfair: Well, the real world sucks.
Larry Benson: It does have its perks.
Ms. Kegel: Gentlemen, I'm Ms. Kegel, executive assistant to Mr. Mars. Let me be the first to welcome you to the GloboTech family. Just as he's done with his computer, telecommunications and food divisions Mr. Mars intends to bring his own personal touch to Heartland Play Systems.
Larry Benson: Well, that's good.
Irwin Wayfair: All right. These are... Where's everybody else?
Gil Mars: There is no longer any "everybody else".
Larry Benson: Mr. Mars, it's an honor...
Gil Mars: Cut the kiss-ass. After I leave, I won't remember your name.
Larry Benson: This is Irwin Wayfair.
Gil Mars: I'm told you two are responsible for this.
Irwin Wayfair: Yes, sir. That's Flatchoo, he's part of the Belch Brigade.
Larry Benson: Actually, the whole line was Irwin's idea.
Irwin Wayfair: Once I did the marketing, it was the most successful product in company history.
Gil Mars: That's why I bought the place and why you two are still onboard. So, let's talk about the future.
Irwin Wayfair: Okay, these are Gorgonites. They... Hi. How are you today?
Gil Mars: I'm late.
Irwin Wayfair: Okay. I drew up some pictures. That's a picture you can have. All right, these are Gorgonites. And this one. This is Archer. He's the grand, noble leader of... Okay, and Troglokhan... the navigator who navigates. Okay, so these are monsters from the land of Gorgon. And they've come to our world and are lost. To return to Gorgon, they have to learn all about our world. This way, kids can learn and do research...
Gil Mars: Excuse me. Did you say "learn"?
Irwin Wayfair: Learn, yeah.
Gil Mars: Next.
Larry Benson: Mr. Mars, allow me to introduce you to... Major... Chip Hazard, leader of the Commando Elite. It's called multimedia, Irwin. Look into it.
Male Announcer: The future is here. A new age has dawned... for action! The world's most awesome high-tech fighting force is ready to battle for the next millennium.
Chip Hazard: [on commercial] Chip Hazard, reporting for duty!
Gil Mars: Wait. Hold on. Hold on, hold on. Can they really do that?
Larry Benson: Do what?
Gil Mars: The thing were he punches out of the box.
Larry Benson: No.
Gil Mars: I didn't think so.
Larry Benson: There's a disclaimer.
Gil Mars: Legal says we're completely covered. You know what I'm sick of? I'm sick of commercials showing trucks popping up on Mount Rushmore and parking on Abraham Lincoln's head. And shampoo commercials that say women can look like Claudia Schiffer after one cycle of rinse and repeat. What if these toys actually could talk? What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass?
Nick Nitro: [on commercial] Nick Nitro.
Gil Mars: Toys that are so smart when kids play with them, they play back. Toys that actually do what they do in the commercials.
Larry Benson: That's an interesting idea.
Gil Mars: Forget the "Batteries not included" crap. Put in a lifetime GloboTech lithium cell. They'll run forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.
Larry Benson: How's this slogan? "The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy."
Gil Mars: "Everything else is just a toy."
Larry Benson: That's good, too. Sure.
Irwin Wayfair: Sir? You know, that kind of computing power doesn't really seem feasible...
Larry Benson: Irwin, we're part of GloboTech. We can find the technology.
Gil Mars: Our missiles can find a bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a warhead up his ass.
Larry Benson: This won't be a problem. They're soldiers.
Gil Mars: Now these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?
Irwin Wayfair: Hats?
Larry Benson: Camouflage?
Gil Mars: Ms. Kegel?
Ms. Kegel: Enemies, sir.
Gil Mars: Enemies. See, these hideous, ugly freaks are the enemy and our guys have to find them and vaporize them.
Irwin Wayfair: No, they're not... Sir? Don't you think that's a bit violent?
Gil Mars: Exactly. So don't call it violence, call it action. Kids love action. It sells. Besides, what are you worried about? They're only toys.
Irwin Wayfair: I can't believe this. This is really wrong. It's a total perversion of everything I designed these Gorgonites to be!
Larry Benson: Can it, Irwin. This is a golden opportunity.
Irwin Wayfair: If we pull this off, Mars will be eating out of our hands.
Ms. Kegel: By the way, gentlemen, Mr. Mars expects the product ready for shipment in three months.
Larry Benson: Three months?
Irwin Wayfair: No. It takes at least six months. There's product testing and focus...
Larry Benson: Three months is fine. Tell Mr. Mars they'll be ready then.
Ms. Kegel: All right, then. These are your security cards. They give you unlimited access to all top-secret Globo technology. And these are your individual, secret passwords. Memorize them now.
Irwin Wayfair: Mine's "Gizmo."
Ms. Kegel: I said "secret."
Larry Benson: Password. Password. What's my password? Gizmo. Let's find us some chips. Some really good chips. A lot of really good chips. The X1000. Hello, Mr. Chips.
Old Lady: This looks like a nice store. Look at those toys.
Kid: Come on, Grandma. This place never has anything good.
Joe: Hey, Alan. How's the world treating you?
Alan Abernathy: You, Joe, are the highlight of my day.
Joe: Jeez, tough break, kid.
Alan Abernathy: New truck?
Joe: New owner. See? Soon everything will be owned by one giant corporation. Then, it's good-bye microbreweries. So, where's your dad? I got his order.
Alan Abernathy: He's going out of town tonight for a seminar.
Joe: Wait a second. He left you in charge?
Alan Abernathy: I was as surprised as you. I think he's starting to trust me again. Or maybe he didn't have a choice.
Joe: What's the seminar?
Alan Abernathy: "How to make a success of your small business." I suggested torching the place.
Joe: Not a good idea. Arson forensics nowadays are very sophisticated.
Alan Abernathy: "Gorgonites and Commando Elite." What are those?
Joe: Let's find out.
Joe: Ten-hut!
Chip Hazard: Major Chip Hazard, reporting for duty, sir!
Alan Abernathy: Wow. Voice activated. Not bad.
Joe: They move, they talk. They got a built-in, two-way radio. "Buy a second commando and communicate with a friend."
Alan Abernathy: Halt! Who goes there?
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: Awfully polite for a monster.
Joe: You never have to replace the battery.
Alan Abernathy: That's a good thing. Hey, Joe. Do you think you could front me a set of these?
Joe: What?
Alan Abernathy: Sort of lend them to me. You got plenty in the truck.
Joe: Yeah. That's Toy World's inventory for the month. This order's paid for.
Alan Abernathy: I'll pay you back after I sell them.
Joe: What about your dad's policy, no war toys?
Alan Abernathy: Don't worry about my dad. By the time he gets back, they'll be sold. And we'll have made some money for once.
Joe: I don't know.
Alan Abernathy: What you're saying that never in your career has anything just fallen off the back of the truck?
Joe: I don't like your tone.
Alan Abernathy: Sorry.
Joe: It's too loud. Okay, one whole set. I'll lose the paperwork someplace. I had better not regret this.
Alan Abernathy: You won't. I swear.
Joe: And you've got to get them off the truck. I could get in trouble for this.
Alan Abernathy: No one will know.
Joe: They better not. These toys don't go on sale officially until Monday. I could loose my job. I could loose my house.
Alan Abernathy: Thanks, Joe. I owe you one.
Joe: You owe me twelve. Good luck, kid.
Chip Hazard: Freeze!
Timmy Fimple: But I wanted to go to Toy World.
Christy Fimple: Life is full of disappointments. Go look around. His birthday's next week. Mom said I had to take him shopping.
Alan Abernathy: Great. What kind of stuff is he into?
Christy Fimple: Oh, you know, dinosaurs, mutants. Anything that maims, kills or destroys.
Alan Abernathy: I just got in...
Christy Fimple: You're Alan Abernathy. You moved into the house behind mine. I've heard about you.
Alan Abernathy: You have?
Christy Fimple: Yeah. How come I never see you after school?
Alan Abernathy: I'm kind of stuck here.
Christy Fimple: What kind of toy store is this?
Alan Abernathy: It's my dad's. He thinks these toys are cool. Too bad nobody else does.
Chip Hazard: The Commando Elite will rid the Earth of the Gorgonites.
Archer: The Gorgonites are peaceful. We mean no harm.
Chip Hazard: Gorgonite, you are a hideous freak. You will be vaporized. Civilian, declare your allegiance.
Timmy Fimple: Cool. I know what I want! I want the soldier! They're walking and fighting and they're so cool! Where'd they go?
Christy Fimple: What about this one?
Timmy Fimple: No, I want the other one. Here, Major Chip Hazard. He's the one.
Christy Fimple: How much are these?
Alan Abernathy: A lot.
Christy Fimple: There's no way Mom and Dad are gonna buy you one of these.
Timmy Fimple: Yes, they will. They buy you those stupid Gwendy dolls.
Christy Fimple: All right, Timmy. Save me one of the buff guys.
Timmy Fimple: And a monster, too.
Christy Fimple: I don't think so, you little brat.
Alan Abernathy: I'll find it and hold it till tomorrow.
Timmy Fimple: How about the flame-thrower? When will I get that toy?
Christy Fimple: Never, if you don't shut up. Say "hi" once in a while.
Chip Hazard: Meet death with honor, coward.
Alan Abernathy: There you are. Congratulations. You're practically sold. You, I'm not so sure about. Troglokhan. Punch-it. Oh, man! Dad's ticket!
Stuart Abernathy: Okay, suitcase, briefcase, keys. Keys. Where are my keys?
Irene Abernathy: Right where you left them.
Stuart Abernathy: And where did I leave them? What is wrong with me? What else?
Irene Abernathy: Stuart, please, try to relax. Remember why we moved here. To get away from the stress. To eliminate the stress. To... exhale... the stress.
Timmy Fimple: Mom! I know what I want for my birthday. I want a Major Chip Hazard.
Marion Fimple: Don't upset your father.
Christy Fimple: Hi, Dad.
Phil Fimple: Hi, sweetie.
Christy Fimple: What's up?
Phil Fimple: AI here was just telling me...
Sattelite Dish Installer: Ed.
Phil Fimple: He was telling me the angle of the Earth's tilt on its axis relative to the orbit of the transmission satellite restricts the placement for optimum reception.
Sattelite Dish Installer: Yeah.
Phil Fimple: In other words, this tree is in the way.
Sattelite Dish Installer: Right. Exactly.
Phil Fimple: No problemo.
Stuart Abernathy: [shouting at Phil] Hey! Knock that off!
Phil Fimple: Hey, Stuart, dish guy says the tree has to go. You don't mind, do you?
Stuart Abernathy: Yes, I mind!
Phil Fimple: What?
Stuart Abernathy: I said, "yes, I mind!" What the hell are you doing, Phil? This is my tree!
Phil Fimple: Don't worry, I'm happy to do the work. What are neighbors for? Isn't the dish a beauty?
Stuart Abernathy: No. This tree is beautiful. That dish is just one more piece of techno-crap to go along with the rest of your stockpile of techno-crap! And you're already pulling so much juice, you got us living in a cancer node.
Phil Fimple: You know, there's never been any conclusive data linking...
Stuart Abernathy: Why don't you just give me that saw, Phil? Come on.
Irene Abernathy: Stuart, come on. Airplane now, vendetta later.
Phil Fimple: I'll check the zoning laws, but I think they'll prove me right here.
Stuart Abernathy: Hasn't he heard of the dishes that go on top of your house?
Irene Abernathy: Maybe they don't get as many channels. He probably got a deal.
Alan Abernathy: Dad!
Stuart Abernathy: Alan, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the shop.
Alan Abernathy: You forgot your ticket.
Stuart Abernathy: My ticket. Thank you, son. Way to stay heads up.
Alan Abernathy: Occasionally I do something right.
Stuart Abernathy: I'm out of here.
Irene Abernathy: Hurry but drive carefully.
Stuart Abernathy: I'll call you when I get there.
Irene Abernathy: Give me a smooch.
Stuart Abernathy: Bye-bye. Bye, son.
Alan Abernathy: See you later, Dad.
Irene Abernathy: The door was locked when you left?
Alan Abernathy: Yes.
Irene Abernathy: Did you empty the cash register?
Alan Abernathy: Both quarters and all six pennies. And I shut off the lights.
Irene Abernathy: Just asking.
Alan Abernathy: It's possible I make it through the entire day without screwing up.
Alan Abernathy: What the... How the heck did you get in here? What was it? Halt! Who goes there?
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: Sure you are.
Archer: Beware. There will be no mercy.
Alan Abernathy: Is that so?
Archer: Beware. There will be no mercy.
Alan Abernathy: I'll be real careful. Thanks for the advice.
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites. What is your name?
Alan Abernathy: I'm Alan. Now shut up. I have to do my homework.
Archer: Greetings, Alan-now-shut-up.
Alan Abernathy: What did you say? You just said my name, didn't you? Didn't you?
Chip Hazard: Commandos! Ten-hut! Commando Elite, fall in!
Chip Hazard: Sound off, soldiers!
Butch Meathook: Butch Meathook, sniper. Lethal from any distance, sir.
Chip Hazard: Good to have you aboard.
Nick Nitro: Nick Nitro. Demolition is MY mission.
Chip Hazard: I served with your father. He was a good man.
Brick Bazooka: Brick Bazooka, artillery. Ready to go full bore, sir.
Chip Hazard: Save it for the enemy.
Link Static: Link Static, communications. Awaiting dispatch of orders, sir.
Chip Hazard: Double up on your rations, Sparky.
Kip Killigan: Kip Killigan, covert insurgent. Sharp as a razor, sir!
Chip Hazard: Let me see that weapon. Standard issue is insufficient. All right, ladies. Now listen, and listen good. Our mission: Destroy the Gorgonite enemy. Defeat him!
Commandos: Yes, sir!
Chip Hazard: There will be no mercy. Search the area and secure new arms. Commandos, fall out!
Archer: Gorgon.
Alan Abernathy: Hey. What the heck are you? You're not like any toy I've ever seen. Come on, speak up.
Archer: Greetings, Alan-now-shut-up. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: I think you're smarter than you're letting on. I bet you're smart enough to get my name right. It's Alan. Just Alan. Got it?
Archer: Greetings, Alan.
Alan Abernathy: I knew it. Walk to the end of the table. Don't play dumb with me. You know what I'm saying.
Archer: Alan, friend of Archer. Defender of all Gorgonites. Keeper of Encarta.
Alan Abernathy: Keeper of Encarta? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there, you're headed for the microwave.
Archer: Beware. There will be no mercy.
Alan Abernathy: Are you threatening me?
Archer: The Gorgonites must be free. There will be no mercy.
Chip Hazard: Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by being all that he can be. Damn the torpedoes, or give me death! Eternal vigilance is the price of duty. And, to the victors go the spoils. So remember: you are the best of the best of the few and the proud. So ask not what your country can do for you, only regret that you have but one life to live! The war against the Gorgonites will be won!
Slamfist: Uh-oh.
Chip Hazard: Commando Elite, let the first shot be fired! Search out the Gorgonites and frag 'em all!
Commandos: [offscreen] Attack! Get him! Jump on him! Plastic at twelve o'clock!
Slamfist: [offscreen] Archer, where are you, anyway?
Alan Abernathy: I am in so much trouble.
Archer: There will be no mercy.
Alan Abernathy: This is what you meant? How could toys do this?
Archer: Alas, poor Troglokhan.
Alan Abernathy: I'm sorry, Archer. That's all the pieces I could find.
Archer: The Commando Elite have destroyed Troglokhan.
Alan Abernathy: What about the other Gorgonites? And what happened to the Commandos?
Alan Abernathy: Hi. We're closed. See the sign?
Christy Fimple: I'll be quick. I just came for Major Chip thing and the monster.
Alan Abernathy: I can't sell you them. Sorry.
Christy Fimple: But you're the only store that has them.
Alan Abernathy: The toys are gone, all right?
Christy Fimple: Well, what about him?
Alan Abernathy: Him. He's defective and the rest were stolen.
Christy Fimple: That's too bad.
Archer: Alan, we must find the...
Christy Fimple: Oh, my God. Who did this? Are you pulling some kind of insurance scam?
Alan Abernathy: I swear, I did one thing wrong. That's it! And I'm totally branded for life.
Christy Fimple: So, it is true. I heard your parents moved here because you got kicked out of ten different schools.
Alan Abernathy: I did not.
Christy Fimple: No?
Alan Abernathy: It was two.
Christy Fimple: Only two. So, you need some help?
Archer: Alan, can I talk now?
Alan Abernathy: No. I can't believe they broke my dad's radio.
Christy Fimple: Do you ever watch that show, Family of Five?
Alan Abernathy: Sure.
Christy Fimple: You like it?
Alan Abernathy: It's okay.
Christy Fimple: Thank God! Me, neither. I hate it. It's so lame. I'm sick of hearing it's so great. I can't stand the parents. They're so nice. The worst. Where do these go?
Alan Abernathy: Over there. I'm more of an X-Files guy myself.
Christy Fimple: "The truth is out there," Alan. You like Led Zeppelin?
Alan Abernathy: Yeah, they're the greatest.
Christy Fimple: They're my favorite band.
Alan Abernathy: You're not like other girls.
Christy Fimple: I know.
Alan Abernathy: I can't believe we've finished. It took less time than I thought.
Christy Fimple: And the boat looks great.
Alan Abernathy: It wasn't that messed up. The mast was the hardest part. He'll never know.
Christy Fimple: So, what did you do? Come on, Alan. I've heard the story ten times already. Don't deny it. They say you're a real terror.
Alan Abernathy: Yeah, that's me, a real terror. I did some graffiti, flooded the faculty bathroom. Stuff like that. My shrink told my parents I was "acting out."
Christy Fimple: I heard you called a bomb scare on Parents' Day.
Alan Abernathy: That's when I got caught.
Christy Fimple: Bummer.
Alan Abernathy: I got put on probation for a while. But that was a long time ago. I'm a totally different person now.
Christy Fimple: Sure.
Alan Abernathy: No, really.
Stuart Abernathy: Hey, Alan, how's it going?
Alan Abernathy: Dad.
Stuart Abernathy: I was on my way home from the airport. I thought I'd stop to say hello.
Alan Abernathy: And check up on me?
Stuart Abernathy: And check up on you. Of course. That's my job. Me Dad, you son, right?
Alan Abernathy: This is Christy.
Christy Fimple: Hi.
Alan Abernathy: From next door.
Stuart Abernathy: Hello. Alan, what happened here?
Alan Abernathy: Nothing. Nothing happened.
Stuart Abernathy: Really? Then, how do you explain this?
Alan Abernathy: I was dusting it and it fell over.
Stuart Abernathy: Oh, you were dusting it. With what, a croquet mallet?
Christy Fimple: I should go. I almost forgot my stuff. Bye, Alan.
Stuart Abernathy: You go home, too. I'll close up.
Alan Abernathy: I can do it.
Stuart Abernathy: Obviously you can't. Go home.
Alan Abernathy: I'm really sorry about that.
Christy Fimple: I have parents, too. If that's all he sees, you got off lucky. Here are your toys.
Alan Abernathy: Thanks.
Brad: What happened? I thought you were coming by practice today.
Christy Fimple: Sorry. Something else came up.
Brad: I know you. You're the kid who set his old school on fire, right?
Alan Abernathy: Yeah, just to watch it burn.
Brad: Whatever. We got a scrimmage with the JV. Come on, you can cheer me on.
Christy Fimple: Great. See you later.
Stuart Abernathy: Let's see... What do I need? Coping saw. I don't believe it!
Archer: Alan, we must...
Alan Abernathy: Shut up!
Archer: The Gorgonites...
Alan Abernathy: You're nothing but trouble.
Link Static: Link Static to command post. Have targeted single Gorgonite with civilian escort. Approaching your position. Over.
Chip Hazard: Roger, Private Static. Copy that. Brick Bazooka, front and center.
Brick Bazooka: Sir!
Chip Hazard: Prepare for assault, Sergeant. Don't fire till you see the whites of his eyes. Prepare to fire the bazooka. Fire!
Brick Bazooka: Gorgonite K9 corps. Watch it. I'll have your dog tags.
Alan Abernathy: What are you doing here? Go home.
Brick Bazooka: Coming up. Hand over hand. I'm coming for you, Gorgonite.
Alan Abernathy: Damn potholes.
Chip Hazard: Command post to Brick Bazooka. Report. Repeat, this is command post. Report.
Brick Bazooka: Brick Bazooka reporting. Target escaped en route to enemy stronghold. Sir, I'm pretty messed up, sir.
Chip Hazard: Hold on, son. We're on our way.
Link Static: Wrong gauge.
Kip Killigan: Insert tab A into slot B. Turn until click.
Butch Meathook: Bite the bullet, pal. It'll be okay.
Link Static: Here's the tape. Let's close it up.
Kip Killigan: Go ahead, kid. Let it out.
Chip Hazard: It's a small world after all.
Globotech Telephone Operator: Hello, Heartland Play Systems. How may I help you?
Alan Abernathy: Yes, I'm having some trouble with one of your...
Globotech Telephone Operator: What is the name of the toy and what is the nature of the problem?
Alan Abernathy: The toys are the Gorgonites.
Archer: There are no more Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: And the Commando Elite.
Archer: They are the mortal enemies of the Gorgonites.
Globotech Telephone Operator: And what is the problem?
Alan Abernathy: The Commandos wrecked my dad's store and destroyed the Gorgonites!
Globotech Telephone Operator: The Commando Elite are designed to fight the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: No, they didn't fight them, they destroyed them and now they're gone!
Globotech Telephone Operator: I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems does not replace lost toys.
Alan Abernathy: I didn't lose them! Is there a machine I can talk to? Just transfer me to a machine!
Globotech Telephone Operator: Bye. Have a nice day, ma'am.
Alan Abernathy: I'm not a ma'am!
Female Voice: Please state the name of your toy and nature of your problem.
Alan Abernathy: Your damn Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store, destroyed the super Gorgonites and ran off! Got it? Lawsuit! Got that? Alan Abernathy, 330-555-0125.
Archer: Destroy Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: Shut up!
Archer: Alan.
Alan Abernathy: Don't talk to me! Not a word!
Larry Benson: On Monday morning, at 0900 hours, 250,000 Commandos and 250,000 Gorgonites will fight side by side with children everywhere, trying to separate mommy and daddy from the money in their wallets.
Irwin Wayfair: Larry.
Ms. Kegel: Excuse me.
Larry Benson: Now, listen to this. They cover 100 merchandise licensees for the next two months. You won't be able to turn on a TV, board a bus, open a lunch box, or put on your own underwear without seeing the Gorgonites raging war with the Commando Elite! What do you think of that, Mr. Mars?
Gil Mars: It's a start. Larry. Larry, folks.
Irwin Wayfair: We have to talk. We have a big problem. It's urgent.
Larry Benson: What are you doing here? Stop it.
Alan Abernathy: [on voicemail] Alan Abernathy, 330-555-0...
Irwin Wayfair: That's where voice mail cut him off.
Larry Benson: It's not a problem.
Irwin Wayfair: It's not?
Larry Benson: These things go on sale Monday. How did this kid get hold of them? It's industrial espionage. I got two words for you: Counter suit. One word: Countersuit. Two words.
Irwin Wayfair: It's two words, Larry! Look, what if this kid's telling the truth? I mean, we can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard, the mechanicals are standard. Even the... Oh.
Irwin Wayfair: What's, "Oh"?
Larry Benson: What?
Irwin Wayfair: You just said, "Oh."
Larry Benson: No, I said, "Oh."
Irwin Wayfair: "Oh" like, "That's interesting" or like, "We're screwed"?
Larry Benson: No. I mean, hey, whoa, oh. All right, look, forget the "Oh". I'll go to legal to start on the countersuit.
Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh."! Yeah. These microprocessing chips. What do they do and where did you get them from?
Larry Benson: They microprocess. And they come from the land of I Saved Your Job. Come on.
Irwin Wayfair: They were designed for the Defense Department. You put munitions chips in toys?
Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Where are you?
Beware. There will be no mercy.
We're lost. We need to find our homeland.
Yeah, our homeland.
We're in trouble. Please find us.
You've got to help us find Goron.
Chip Hazard: [offscreen] Goron? It's "Gorgon", moron.
I hope he comes. We're no match for the awesome Commandos.
Yeah, everything else is just a toy.
Kitty, kitty, kitty.
Brick Bazooka: Grab him! Hold him down! Get that leg!
Chip Hazard: String him up!
Chip Hazard: Tell us what we want to know.
Archer: I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: Archer?
Chip Hazard: Where are the rest of the Gorgonite scum?
Brick Bazooka: We have ways of making you talk.
Link Static: Come on, fella. Make it easy on yourself. If you tell us, we'll let you go.
Chip Hazard: It will go easier for you if you cooperate.
Archer: [repeatedly] I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Chip Hazard: All right. Let's dispose of this garbage.
Butch Meathook: Hey, it's the kid.
Chip Hazard: Commandos, pull back! Retrograde movement!
Brick Bazooka: Uh-oh!
Alan Abernathy: Hey!
Alan Abernathy: Give me that!
Nick Nitro: Hey, that's mine, punk! Surrender, Gorgonite ally. You just met your match.
Alan Abernathy: Oh, yeah?
Nick Nitro: Surrender or die! Medic! Medic! Medic!
Stuart Abernathy: Come on out! Alan, what the hell is going on here?
Nick Nitro: Medic!
Irene Abernathy: Alan, your hand! What happened?
Stuart Abernathy: How did you cut your hand? And what are you doing down here?
Alan Abernathy: Mom, Dad, it's okay.
Nick Nitro: Medic! O-o-oh!
Alan Abernathy: While you were gone, I bought some soldier toys from Joe. I figured I could sell them before you got back. And for once, I would have made the store a little money. I know it was the wrong thing to do. And I'm sorry. There, I said it.
Stuart Abernathy: Okay. I think it's very, you know, honest of you to tell the truth. So, you pawned my woodworking tools so you could pay Joe?
Alan Abernathy: No! I'm pretty sure the toys took them.
Stuart Abernathy: The what?
Alan Abernathy: The toys.
Stuart Abernathy: Are you trying to upset me? I mean, are you deliberately making... What was the word does psychology use? Projected...
Irene Abernathy: Aggression.
Stuart Abernathy: Projected aggression...
Alan Abernathy: It's not aggression! It's these toys! It's like they're alive. Look. Come on, Archer. Back me up here. Say something. Halt! Who goes there? Talk to me!
Irene Abernathy: Alan, please. I need to ask you this. Are you on crank?
Alan Abernathy: No!
Irene Abernathy: Then is it crystal meth, tar, smack? We need to know!
Alan Abernathy: No, I'm not on drugs! It's these soldiers!
Stuart Abernathy: All right, that's it! Stop it. I mean, Alan... I am... at a loss.
Alan Abernathy: You! Why didn't you say anything?
Archer: [using Alan's words he recorded in his mind] Shut up! Don't talk to me! Not a word!
Alan Abernathy: Wise guy. I should shred the bunch of you. My dad thinks I'm insane. Christy thinks I'm an idiot, and when Joe finds out the toys are destroyed and I can't pay him back, he's gonna have my legs broken.
Archer: The Gorgonites are not destroyed.
Alan Abernathy: What?
Archer: Major Chip Hazard seeks the location of the Gorgonite scum. They are not destroyed.
Alan Abernathy: 'Cause if the Commandos destroyed them, they wouldn't be looking for them. All right, where are they?
Archer: My Gorgonite brothers are doing what the Gorgonites do best: They are hiding.
Chip Hazard: Commando Elite, fall in!
Commandos: Sir! Yes, sir!
Chip Hazard: We have met the enemy. He is big. He is fast. He has allied himself with the Gorgonite scum. The rules of engagement have changed. Private Static!
Butch Meathook: Damn! This place is a gold mine.
Kip Killigan: Holy smokes. Look at all this hardware. Technological superiority.
Brick Bazooka: Dibs on the chain saw.
Nick Nitro: Falling in, sir.
Brick Bazooka: Out of the way.
Nick Nitro: It's only a flesh wound, sir.
Chip Hazard: Rest easy. You've done your job.
Nick Nitro: Did we win?
Chip Hazard: We will. Nick Nitro's battery has run out. But his memory will keep going and going and going. His death will be avenged.
Chip Hazard: Commandos, secure the perimeter! Tap all communications! Roll some armor! We got us a war to win. If it launches, lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it lethal!
Commandos: Sir! Yes, sir!
Alan Abernathy: They're not in the storeroom, they're not here. Besides, monsters shouldn't be hiding but fighting Commandos.
Archer: We would lose. It is what we were programmed to do.
Alan Abernathy: Hide and lose? Those are some great options. If I was a Gorgonite, where would I be? I'm hiding because I'm a loser. I've got zero self-esteem, and my brain's the size of a peanut. Where would I be?
Alan Abernathy: This is so gross. Hello. Is anybody in there? Hey.
Archer: Ocula.
Alan Abernathy: What was that?
Archer: It's the Gorgonites. Ocula. Punch-It. Scratch-It.
Insaniac: Great to be back. But seriously, what a dump.
Archer: Insaniac.
Insaniac: Are you a kid or oil painting?
Slamfist: Don't worry, Archer. We was hiding.
Archer: Slamfist. Troglokhan?
Punch-It: We fixed him.
Slamfist: We tried to fix him.
Alan Abernathy: Hey. My dad's radio.
Troglokhan: Some assembly required.
Man on Radio: So am I nuts? What's going on here? Give me a call, 1-800, talk to me.
Alan Abernathy: Freaky. Like Frankenstein. At least you're all here. Maybe Joe won't break my legs after all.
Clean Room Voice: Access approved.
Irwin Wayfair: So, let me get this straight. You used my password to order surplus military chips that might be dangerous?
Larry Benson: It's okay. That's supposed to happen. See? Clean room. Clean. Let's just go in. You okay? That's him. That's Ralph.
Ralph Quist: Who are you? You don't belong here.
Larry Benson: I'm Larry Benson. You supplied my division with some microchips.
Ralph Quist: Oh, yes. Larry Benson. The X1000. Worked out better than you dreamed, didn't they?
Larry Benson: Actually, there was a little problem.
Ralph Quist: Then it's with your software.
Irwin Wayfair: I don't think there's a problem with the software, Ralph.
Ralph Quist: Oh, you don't? The X1000 is a masterpiece. Imagine a microchip, sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles. Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system it's plugged into. Like a smart drug for machines. Then, imagine it can learn.
Irwin Wayfair: What are you talking about? Artificial intelligence?
Ralph Quist: No. Actual intelligence. No wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it. One flaw and they scrap the whole project.
Irwin Wayfair: Aha! So there is a flaw in the chips.
Ralph Quist: Well, they're a little bit sensitive to EMP.
Irwin Wayfair: EMP?
Ralph Quist: Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive. They said, "Adequate shielding wasn't cost effective." Did the Medici ever tell Michelangelo: "Sorry, Mike, marble's not cost-effective. Here's a bag of cement"? I think not!
Larry Benson: Gesundheit.
Ralph Quist: Thank you.
Irwin Wayfair: There shouldn't be any problem, just because the chips can learn.
Ralph Quist: Am I not being clear? They can learn within the boundaries of their programming. Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it. So, if you have a problem, it's in your software.
Insaniac: Quick impression, Jimmy Cagney. "Top of the world, Ma." Talk about hampering your career.
Slamfist: Grab him! It looks so real, don't it? Hit him. Friend of yours?
Alan Abernathy: What am I going to do with you guys?
Punch-It: Two hundred and twenty-one. Two hundred and twenty-two. There goes the record.
Alan Abernathy: Not so close. You'll ruin your eye. What are you looking at?
Slamfist: I dunno.
Alan Abernathy: Hello?
Christy Fimple: Alan?
Alan Abernathy: Christy?
Christy Fimple: Are you grounded?
Alan Abernathy: No, my dad cooled off.
Christy Fimple: So, we did it.
Alan Abernathy: Yeah, and the best part is, I found all those lost toys. You were really a big help.
Christy Fimple: Cool.
Christy Fimple: So, Alan, what do you think, boxers or briefs?
Alan Abernathy: Get those off your head.
Christy Fimple: Hey, what's going on?
Alan Abernathy: Nothing. Listen, I was thinking maybe we should celebrate sometime. Go to a movie or something.
Christy Fimple: Alan, I only date older guys. It's nothing personal. What I mean is, officially I'm going out with Brad.
Alan Abernathy: What about unofficially? Or superficially?
Christy Fimple: There is one guy. But he's kind of a smart aleck and a bit of a troublemaker.
Alan Abernathy: I'm sure he'd be willing to give it all up for you. I know I would.
Christy Fimple: Alan.
Butch Meathook: It's party time!
Kip Killigan: One phat ride!
Link Static: Transmission intercepted. The Gorgonites are bivouacked at the enemy stronghold. And the enemy has revealed an age-old weakness.
Alan Abernathy: [offscreen] I'm sure he'd be willing to give it all up for you. I know I would.
Chip Hazard: Put yourself in for a commendation. Soldiers! We have a window of opportunity. We will exploit it, drown the enemy out and crush the Gorgonites! We must go behind enemy lines to secure a hostage. Prepare to move out. Hop it, jarheads!
Alan Abernathy: I guess you guys are safe as long as you stay here. What are you looking for?
Troglokhan: Gorgon.
Alan Abernathy: Well, this is Central Park.
Troglokhan: The Isle of Gorgon is our homeland.
Punch-It: Will you help us find it?
Alan Abernathy: I don't think you will find it in there.
Archer: Alan... if Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?
Alan Abernathy: There's nothing in windows. There's stuff outside them.
Archer: What stuff?
Alan Abernathy: You know, outside. Trees, power poles... Christy's house.
Archer: And beyond that?
Alan Abernathy: The mall.
Slamfist: And beyond that?
Alan Abernathy: The highway.
Punch-It: And beyond that?
Alan Abernathy: About a million acres of farm.
Archer: And what's beyond that?
Alan Abernathy: I don't know.
Archer: Gorgon.
Phil Fimple: Live, via satellite, 257 channels. Closed captioning for the hearing impaired and Dolby stereo where available, which is right here, right now!
Marion Fimple: What a great picture. It's perfect.
Phil Fimple: I don't know. It looks kind of fuzzy. Let me try something else.
Marion Fimple: Oh, for pete's sake! Phil!
Phil Fimple: Maybe if I tweak the brightness a little. No, it's the chroma. The flesh tone's way off.
Marion Fimple: Now it's green.
Chip Hazard: Stand down, men. We must neutralize these civilians.
Phil Fimple: I paid a lot. I don't want any ghosts.
Chip Hazard: Follow me.
Link Static: It's a trap, sir.
Chip Hazard: Good. Bring it here, soldier.
Brick Bazooka: Chemical warfare.
Chip Hazard: Operation Sandman. Fire when ready, Private.
Phil Fimple: Audie Murphy. Our most decorated war hero. I think World War II was my favorite war.
Link Static: No sign of the target, sir. Area is secured.
Chip Hazard: Don't worry. She'll be here.
Chip Hazard: This is where we'll engage the target. Set up concealed positions and prepare for ambush.
Timmy Fimple: Oh, man. I can't believe they got me the whole set.
Chip Hazard: Hold your fire, men.
Timmy Fimple: Cool, you can talk. You must be the leader. Except one day, you get shot. And this guy gets promoted, and now he's the leader. Yes!
Kip Killigan: It wasn't my idea, Major.
Chip Hazard: Commandos, attack!
Commandos: Pile on the kid!
Chip Hazard: Son, you can be a prisoner or a casualty. It's up to you.
Brick Bazooka: Sir, over here.
Butch Meathook: Oh, man, I hate babysitting.
Chip Hazard: What is it, soldier?
Brick Bazooka: Take a look, sir. Bombshells, sir.
Kip Killigan: Fully posable. Hello, dolly!
Butch Meathook: Sweet stuff! Hubba-hubba.
Link Static: R and R, sir?
Brick Bazooka: Request a 3-day pass, sir.
Chip Hazard: Denied. Gentlemen, this is the new army. Those are reinforcements. Bring me the head of Nick Nitro. Move.
Chip Hazard: Soldier, your memory will live on.
Kip Killigan: Damn! Criminy!
Butch Meathook: I think I'm gonna hurl.
Chip Hazard: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Brick Bazooka: It's alive! It's alive!
Cannon Fodder Gwendy: Hi, there. Cannon Fodder Gwendy, reporting for duty, sir.
Chip Hazard: Carry on, soldier.
Troglokhan: I feel your pain.
Archer: Alan, the Commando Elite are in the trees.
Alan Abernathy: They're not moving because of the Commandos. It's the wind. See?
Archer: I see your hand.
Alan Abernathy: The wind is blowing. You can feel it.
Archer: Feel?
Alan Abernathy: Right. Plastic. Sorry. It's kind of hard to describe. Weather patterns, wind chill factor. Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. See?
Archer: Wind.
Christy Fimple: Mom? Dad? I'm home. They're asleep.
Brad: You know what that means?
Christy Fimple: They could wake up any second.
Brad: You know, you are such a major hottie.
Christy Fimple: And you are such a major sweet talker. Good night.
Brad: My bike won't start. I got nowhere to go. Can I come in? No, that's not it.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
Let's do something fun.
We'll all get facials.
Did I overpluck my eyebrows?
Now it's our turn to play with you. Let's see if her head comes off.
Brad: Christy?
Look. A man. Alley-oop.
Such nice broad shoulders.
Do you work out? What's your sign, big boy?
Makeovers are such a blast.
That haircut is so five minutes ago.
Are you dumping me?
Brad: Get off!
Chip Hazard: You! Maggot! An officer and a gentleman does not strike a lady.
Brad: What?
Chip Hazard: Are you scared? We're all scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.
Alan Abernathy: What? What do you see? Ocula? Are you all right? Settle down. You'll be okay. "Surrender?"
Link Static: [offscreen] Smile, girlie.
Christy Fimple: "Alan, I'm safe. I have not been harmed."
Alan Abernathy: Christy?
Christy Fimple: "I am making this statement of my own free will and under no duress." Yeah, right.
Kip Killigan: [offscreen] Stick to the script. Read it as we wrote it.
Link Static: [offscreen] Make it snappy.
Christy Fimple: "I will be released safely and unharmed... only if the following conditions are met: One: Surrender the Gorgonite scum." That's it.
Brick Bazooka: [offscreen] Faster, or we stick you.
Christy Fimple: Alan, you have to help.
Brick Bazooka: [offscreen] Zoom in. Get those tears.
Insaniac: What else is on?
Alan Abernathy: If Major Chip Hazard wants a war, we'll give him a war.
Please, Alan, don't do this.
We're afraid.
We're your friends.
Have mercy.
You are a traitor.
Hi. Welcome to the big cardboard box.
We'll never see Gorgon again.
Alan seemed so nice.
Why would he do this to us?
Three words, folks. Pu-ber-ty.
Chip Hazard: Enemy contact. Advance with caution. Roll!
Link Static: Sorry, sir.
How could you betray us? We're free.
Have mercy.
The Commandos will kill us.
Chip Hazard: Gentlemen, it looks like they blinked. Advance and envelop.
Commandos: Sir! Yes, sir!
Alan, I'm feeling very insecure.
I'm allergic to cardboard. Pass it on.
Alan Abernathy: Are you ready, Archer?
Archer: Alan, are you sure this is a good idea?
You traitor.
We must be free.
I don't feel well.
Alan, don't do it. You'll be guilt-ridden.
My aunt was buried alive.
I'm very claustrophobic.
Butch Meathook: Rock and roll!
Kip Killigan: I love this job!
Alan Abernathy: Are you all right?
All my make-up is cruelty-free.
You come here often?
Will you take me to the prom?
If you can't accessorize, pulverize.
You've been a bad boy. Now you must be punished.
Watch out, girls. Hissy fit.
You're to die for.
Run! She's got a baton! It's a baton death march.
She's gone postal!
Oh, I broke a nail.
Christy Fimple: I've always hated these things!
The humanity!
Chip Hazard: This is it, men.
Chip Hazard: Commandos, the enemy has deployed a decoy target. Return to primary positions.
Christy Fimple: This is fun!
You're killing me!
Alan Abernathy: Christy!
Christy Fimple: You rescued me.
Alan Abernathy: Anytime.
Christy Fimple: Let's go get those creeps. We have to wake my parents.
Chip Hazard: Open fire! We have the enemy on the run. Exploit and pursue.
Alan Abernathy: You've done this before.
Christy Fimple: Once or twice.
Alan Abernathy: Watch it.
Christy Fimple: You watch it. We got to get help.
Link Static: Anyone got a garage door opener?
Chip Hazard: Commandos, attack!
Link Static: Time to plant the corn.
Chip Hazard: Expect no mercy, Gorgonite ally!
Christy Fimple: I'll get the bike.
Christy Fimple: Get on! Hurry!
Butch Meathook: Hot pursuit!
Chip Hazard: Interlock! Right side, lock! Left side, lock! Ramming speed!
Christy Fimple: Hold on!
Christy Fimple: They're toast.
Alan Abernathy: You think I could drive home?
Archer: Good idea.
Christy Fimple: Hey.
Phil Fimple: Your kid kidnapped my daughter...
Alan Abernathy: Uh-oh.
Phil Fimple: ...tied up my son and drugged me and my wife. Marion is still tripping!
Archer: Time to hide again.
Phil Fimple: Not to mention the damage to my house.
Chip Hazard: We have lost the battle. We will not lose the war.
Man: Well, that's the last of them.
Toy World Supervisor: I think that's all of Friday's delivery. How come they want it back?
Joe: You know the clowns that make these decisions. They don't care we're standing around freezing, in the middle of the night, as long as everyone knows who's in charge.
Joe: Corporations. Right hand doesn't know what the left hand is screwing up.
Chip Hazard: Greetings. You've been drafted. Move!
Phil Fimple: Is this entire household insane? He says that a toy is alive just because it can move a little. What's next? The Blue Fairy drops by with a talking cricket?
Christy Fimple: Dad, he's telling the truth!
Phil Fimple: He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey. We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.
Slamfist: You can't change programming.
Marion Fimple: Look. Another one.
Alan Abernathy: See? I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.
Phil Fimple: That's it. Come on, Christy. Timmy, Marion, we're out of here.
Stuart Abernathy: Don't be a stranger, Phil.
Irwin Wayfair: Hi. Uh, yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction. Is there an Alan Abernathy around here?
Timmy Fimple: That's Alan, right there.
Larry Benson: How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.
Irwin Wayfair: There's a chance they might be... defective.
Larry Benson: But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.
Stuart Abernathy: Oh, there's reasons.
Alan Abernathy: There is a slight problem with the Commandos.
Larry Benson: Really? What kind of problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.
Stuart Abernathy: Your toys nearly killed my son!
Irene Abernathy: Stuart...
Stuart Abernathy: Don't say calm down! Calm was killing me. [to Phil] And you! You owe my son an apology!
Irwin Wayfair: Hey, Larry. Look. It's Archer.
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer. Who are you?
Irwin Wayfair: I'm Irwin. I designed you, and all the Gorgonites.
Insaniac: He's the creator.
Irwin Wayfair: Hey. You're all here.
Troglokhan: Everyone has to be somewhere.
Irwin Wayfair: Oh, that's true. My mom used to... Making declarative statements? Formulating inquiries?
Kip Killigan: Lights out.
Irene Abernathy: Something's going on out there.
Irwin Wayfair: That's weird. There's a Heartland truck outside.
Alan Abernathy: Uh-oh.
Christy Fimple: More Commandos?
Alan Abernathy: A lot more.
Christy Fimple: Dad, come see this for yourself.
Alan Abernathy: Chip?
Christy Fimple: Dead Chip? The Chip we killed?
Alan Abernathy: Maybe we didn't kill him enough.
Phil Fimple: Oh, my.
Chip Hazard: Commandos, fall out! Secure the left perimeter! Secure the right perimeter! Move out!
Commandos: Sir, yes, sir!
Chip Hazard: Assault formation. Go! If war is hell, let's give them hell. We didn't start this war, but we're damn sure going to end it.
Timmy Fimple: I'm scared.
Marion Fimple: It'll be all right. They're not after you. They just want to scare the little monster people away.
Phil Fimple: That's right. We're just caught up in some stupid game. Well, game over.
Alan Abernathy: Mr. Fimple, wait.
Archer: No, Alan. Let him go.
Alan Abernathy: Archer.
Archer: The Gorgonites must lose.
Phil Fimple: Hi! I'm Phil Fimple. I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the... Gorgonzolas. Here's our proposal: Take them!
Insaniac: He's selling us out. He's an Arnold Benedict.
Phil Fimple: Take them apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you... people do. Hey. Is that my JVC?
Chip Hazard: There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy! All Gorgonite scum must die!
Link Static: Bomb them all the way back to preschool.
Chip Hazard: Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!
Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where did they get sixteen from?
Larry Benson: Seven Gorgonites and nine people.
Phil Fimple: Well, you heard our proposal.
Stuart Abernathy: Phil, get in here! Hurry!
Chip Hazard: These negotiations are over!
Chip Hazard: We are the Commando Elite. Everything else... is just a toy.
Alan Abernathy: What are they doing?
Irene Abernathy: Psychological warfare.
Christy Fimple: The Marines did this against Noriega.
Marion Fimple: Phil. Phil!
Phil Fimple: What?
Marion Fimple: I love this song!
Neighbor: Fimple, turn that off!
Chip Hazard: Go, go!
Butch Meathook: Lock and load.
Brick Bazooka: Nail them!
Chip Hazard: Open fire!
Irene Abernathy: Get down!
Old Couple: Fimple.
Stuart Abernathy: Honey?
Irene Abernathy: Stuart, Phil, barricade that window! Alan, get back. Get back!
Butch Meathook: Fire!
Irwin Wayfair: Wow.
Butch Meathook: Fire!
Phil Fimple: How are they... look out!
Irene Abernathy: Alan, put out the fires. Nerds, side windows.
Irene Abernathy: Marion, Timmy, the closet. Come on, come on. Hurry! Just get in. Get down.
Irene Abernathy: I have that coat. Yes.
Kip Killigan: Frag 'em all!
Stuart Abernathy: I'm calling the police!
Irene Abernathy: Phil, Christy, push this back. Careful.
Butch Meathook: Fire!
Butch Meathook: Service.
Brick Bazooka: Great balls of fire!
Stuart Abernathy: The phone's dead. Hey, nice forehand, honey.
Kip Killigan: Incoming!
Brick Bazooka: I'm hit!
Butch Meathook: More shells!
Kip Killigan: Take the house!
Stuart Abernathy: We have to stop them before my wife gets tennis elbow.
Irwin Wayfair: Hey, you know what might work? An electromagnetic pulse. 'Cause that would fry the chips.
Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.
Stuart Abernathy: I doubt I'll have one in the junk drawer.
Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?
Larry Benson: It's the chips. They're not shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.
Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.
Stuart Abernathy: Well, what kind of moron would put military technology in toys?
Irwin Wayfair: Well, that would be Gizmo over here.
Phil Fimple: Actually, any other electrical device generates a magnetic field, just not a very big one.
Alan Abernathy: We're gonna need a big one.
Nick Nitro: Fire in the hole!
Archer: Alan, the window.
Commandos: [singing] "I don't know but I've been told Gorgonite blood runs mighty cold."
Archer: No, Alan.
Alan Abernathy: Way to stay heads up.
Kip Killigan: Continue artillery barrage!
Brick Bazooka: Take cover! Stay low!
Alan Abernathy: There's a power pole back there with a couple of huge transformers. Could we use those to create the electromagnetic whatever?
Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we could get them to explode.
Larry Benson: You know, fry their chips, for sure.
Phil Fimple: You could connect the transformers together.
Irwin Wayfair: We just need to put something metal between them to complete the circuit.
Phil Fimple: You get a nice power boost. Right up until they overload and blow up. It only happened once!
Irene Abernathy: That's it.
Alan Abernathy: This should work.
Stuart Abernathy: Alan! Whatever you're thinking, forget about it. You're not going out there.
Alan Abernathy: There's no time, I've got to.
Stuart Abernathy: It's too dangerous!
Alan Abernathy: We've only got one chance for this!
Stuart Abernathy: Look, you are my responsibility and I'm not...
Alan Abernathy: Dad, there's no other way! You have to trust me.
Irwin Wayfair: Wait. It's dark in here.
Larry Benson: It's night, genius.
Irwin Wayfair: No, I mean, power has to be going through the transformers for them to overload.
Christy Fimple: The power's on at my house and we've got tons of crap to turn on.
Irwin Wayfair: Okay, we have to wedge the breakers open in your fuse box. Come on, Larry.
Larry Benson: I hate you, Irwin.
Chip Hazard: We have met the enemy and he is you!
Chip Hazard: I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning.
Irene Abernathy: Oh, my God. Phil, in here, in here. It's locked. Up, up, up.
Butch Meathook: Balcony's closed.
Irene Abernathy: Down, down, down.
Butch Meathook: Descend and destroy.
Irene Abernathy: Let me in. Damn it! Fimple, you freak! Let me in!
Butch Meathook: All quiet on the Western front yard!
Irwin Wayfair: You go and turn on every piece of electronic equipment in your house.
Nick Nitro: This one's for Nick Nitro!
Stuart Abernathy: Mess around with my kid, huh?
Link Static: A broomstick. I'm scared.
Butch Meathook: Get him!
Brick Bazooka: First blood!
Stuart Abernathy: Now, stick this in your pipe and smoke it!
Alan Abernathy: All right, Dad!
Stuart Abernathy: We roasted them!
Kip Killigan: There they are. Nail 'em!
Stuart Abernathy: Not good.
Nick Nitro: Hey, kid! Don't you like 9-inch nails?
Stuart Abernathy: I got hit. I'm okay.
Archer: Gorgonites, we must help Alan.
Slamfist: But if we fight, we would lose.
Troglokhan: Last time we fought, I woke up with AM/FM.
Insaniac: I tell you, war is nuts, and I know what I'm talking about.
Punch-It: We shouldn't fight, we should hide.
Archer: If we hide, we will still lose. No more hiding.
Link Static: Nail them to the wall!
Punch-It: Gorgonites, fight!
Butch Meathook: Uh-oh.
Slamfist: Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Punch-It: Strike!
Link Static: Retreat!
Insaniac: Meet my wife, the old ball and chain. I love working in the round. I'm knocking 'em dead. You don't like stand-up? Then sit down! Thank you and good night, ladies and germs.
Troglokhan: How do you work this thing? Whoops, wrong way. That's better.
Archer: Alan? You should go now.
Alan Abernathy: Archer, listen. When that thing explodes, you're gonna be fried, just like the Commandos.
Archer: Go.
Troglokhan: Take that!
Stuart Abernathy: Watch your back.
Alan Abernathy: Thanks, Dad.
Punch-It: Go, Alan.
Slamfist: I'm watching your back, Alan.
Stuart Abernathy: What are you packing, Tiny?
Link Static: Packing? I'm packing you!
Christy Fimple: It's not a prank call. It's not. No, wait. It is! So you'll send some cops to come and arrest me? Don't hang up!
Larry Benson: Do you know what you're doing?
Irwin Wayfair: Yeah.
Chip Hazard: Die! Ain't war hell?
Troglokhan: Thanks for the lift, Punch-It.
Chip Hazard: Mayday! Mayday! I'm hit! I'm going down! Ejecting!
Chip Hazard: Expect no mercy.
Chip Hazard: Having fun yet?
Insaniac: Let's have a round and a round of applause for Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites. You're up!
Archer: Major Chip Hazard.
Chip Hazard: Gorgonite scum!
Archer: Leave Alan alone. Your fight is with me.
Chip Hazard: You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.
Archer: They're wires and metal, the same as yours.
Chip Hazard: We're nothing alike. You are programmed to lose.
Archer: I'm also programmed to learn.
Chip Hazard: Too bad you never learned to win. School's out, loser. Victory is ours!
Alan Abernathy: Have I got a shock for you. You stupid toy!
Brick Bazooka: Run for it! Watch out!
Christy Fimple: Get on! Is this going to be a pattern for our relationship?
Alan Abernathy: Relationship?
Larry Benson: This isn't dangerous, is it?
Irwin Wayfair: Well, it depends on...
Christy Fimple: It's dead!
Alan Abernathy: Are you all right?
Nick Nitro: Medic!
Chip Hazard: There will be no mercy.
Ms. Kegel: Situation is stabilizing. Local law enforcement is under control. It's just a matter of compensating those involved. The area is secure. Bring him in.
Christy Fimple: Who is that?
Irwin Wayfair: Oh, no. It's him.
Gil Mars: How you doing, Joe? Would you do me a big favor?
Joe: Anything, sir.
Gil Mars: Why don't you move your truck with the giant GloboTech logo before the news crews get here?
Joe: I don't know, Mr. Mars, I may have trouble handling the gears. What with the critical head injury and emotional distress I've suffered lately.
Gil Mars: Thank you.
Joe: Whoa! Yes, sir, right away, sir!
Phil Fimple: Excuse me. You're not off the hook yet. There's the matter of the massive damage to my home, my garage, my audio-visual system... This is good.
Gil Mars: Bye-bye.
Irene Abernathy: Excuse me, Mr. Whoever-You-Are. What about our house?
Stuart Abernathy: Yeah, what about the pain and the anguish...
Irene Abernathy: Humiliation.
Stuart Abernathy: The humiliation. I don't think even you have enough money to pay for that. Okay, maybe you do.
Joe: Hey, Alan. Keep your nose clean, kid.
Alan Abernathy: I'll try. Listen, I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Joe: Forget it. Toys is hell.
Larry Benson: Mr. Mars, I just wanted to assure you that I take full responsibility for this.
Gil Mars: Yeah, right. Give me that. What were we charging for these?
Irwin Wayfair: $79.95.
Gil Mars: Add a few zeros to the end of that number and contact our military division. I know some South American rebels who will find these toys very entertaining.
Timmy Fimple: Dad, you know my birthday?
Phil Fimple: Uh-huh.
Timmy Fimple: I just want clothes.
Phil Fimple: Come on, Christy.
Christy Fimple: Any sign of the Gorgonites?
Alan Abernathy: No, none of them.
Phil Fimple: [offscreen] Come on, Christy.
Christy Fimple: I better go.
Gil Mars: Too bad. This would have made a hell of a commercial.
Alan Abernathy: Archer? Archer, are you all right? Halt! Who goes there?
Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites. Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.
Alan Abernathy: Oh, man. Your chip got fried, just like the Commandos'.
Archer: The Commandos are dead? Gorgonites, we won.
Punch-It: We did?
Troglokhan: Well, that's a pleasant surprise.
Alan Abernathy: The satellite dish must have shielded you guys. Pretty smart.
Insaniac: Smart? We were lucky as we are.
Alan Abernathy: I'm glad you made it, Archer.
Archer: I'm glad you made it, Alan.
Archer: Gorgonites, we are free!
Troglokhan: Thank you, Alan, destroyer of Commandos.
Slamfist: And we are free.
Insaniac: Free? What about the cover charge?
Punch-It: Let me get in first. I'm big.
Insaniac: I'll sit in the crow's nest. Hey, there's a dead crow up here. I'm kidding.
Alan Abernathy: All right. Are you sure you want to do this?
Archer: Yes, Alan. It is time.
Alan Abernathy: Archer, I understand why, but you may not find Gorgon. It may not even...
Archer: Alan, even if you can't see something, it doesn't mean it isn't there.
Insaniac: Hey, look, we're out to launch!
Slamfist: I'm seasick already.
Punch-It: Goodbye, Alan.
Slamfist: Bye-bye, Alan. Nice knowing you.
Insaniac: Anybody from out of town here? Where are you from, sir?
Troglokhan: Gorgon.
Insaniac: What exit? Hello? Is this thing on? Is this a boat or an oil painting?
Slamfist: I hope we don't hit an iceberg.
==After the End Credits==
Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?
Cut.
Was that too much?
I've never heard you say that before.
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