Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?/Quotes

:Homer gives the dinner blessing
:Homer: And we thank you Lord, for nuclear power which has yet to cause one fatality, at least in this country.
----
:Lisa: A long lost half brother. How Dickensian.
:Bart: So, any idea where this bastard lives?
:Homer: Bart!
:Bart: His parents aren't married are they? It's the correct word, isn't it?
:Homer: I guess he's got us there.
:Marge: Hmm.
:Bart: ♪ Bastard, bastard... ♪
:Marge: Bart!
:Homer: Bart!! BAAAAARRRRTTT!!!!
:Bart: ♪ Bastard, bastard. ♪
----
:Homer visits his hospitalized father
:Abraham: This made me realize my days are numbered, so I need to reveal a secret. Homer, you have a half-brother.
:Homer: I have a brother? Wow, how come it took you so long to tell me?
:Abraham: It all began before you were born..
:Many years ago, presumably the 1950s. A much younger Abraham is at a carnival
:Abraham: I was at a traveling carnival checking out all the skirts when I saw her.
:Female carnie: Hey handsome, want to "dunk the clown"?
:Abraham: She was captivating, like a stick of dynamite with a hair bow. She did things your mother would never do, like have sex for money. We hit it off right away.
:One year later. The female carnival worker's carefree smile is now replaced by a depressed frown
:Abraham: A year later the carnival was back. She was older and handed me a three-month old baby boy. I gave the baby up for adoption and moved on with my life; marrying your mother.
:Scenes of Abraham and Mona's wedding, then skips to Mona giving birth to baby Homer
:Mona: Abraham, listen to me. I want Homer to have a good life, and not to learn of the shameful act you committed before he was born.
:Present day. Abraham realizes he broke his promise to Mona.
:Abraham: Whoops! Forget what I just told you.
----
:Shelbyville Orphanage. Homer meets with a man who bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Hibbert, but has a mustache
:Director of Shelbyville Orphanage: I know how you feel, Mr. Simpson. I myself have spent years searching for my long-lost twin brother.
:Homer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I wish I could help you, but we're looking for my brother today. Can you tell me his name?
:Director: Hmm. According to our records, a Mr. and Mrs. Powell adopted your brother and named him Herbert.
:Homer: Herbert! Herbert Powell! Great, where can I find him?
:Director: I'm sorry... I'm not allowed to release that information.
:Homer: Oh, please, please! This is my life we're talking about here! Please!
:Director: Well, I-- I do sympathize with your situation, Mr. Simpson. After all your brother could be anywhere. Even Detroit.
:Homer: I know he could be anywhere, that's why I want you to narrow it down for me! Please!
:Director: You know, Mr. Simpson, if you ask me, the city of brotherly love is not Philadelphia. It is... Detroit.
:Homer: Well, if you ask me, changing the subject makes you the most worthless, heartless excuse for a human being I ever--
:Director: Read between the lines, you fool!
:Homer: Oh! Oh, I get it! Okay. Here's twenty bucks. Now will you tell me where my brother lives?
:Director: Mr. Simpson, I don't want your--
:Homer: Just take it and tell me!
:Director: Detroit. He lives in Detroit.
:Homer: Fine! Thank you!
----
:Homer and Lisa obtain a Detroit phone book. They cross out the names of each "Herbert Powell" they try, but keep crossing their fingers. Marge then comes into room and see a glum Homer and Lisa.
:Marge: Any luck?
:Homer: No, I called all three Herbert Powells in Detroit, nothing.
:Marge: Well, you want to try that H. Powell?
:Homer: H.! Of course! That could stand for Herbert! It's a long shot but...
:Homer dials the number for H. Powell. A man at the Powell residence answers.
:Homer: Is this H. Powell of Detroit, Michigan?
:Man: Yes.
:Homer: By any chance does the "H" stand for Herbert?
:H. Powell: Yes, it does.
:Homer: The "H" stands for Herbert! Herb, were you adopted? From the Shelbyville Orphanage?
:Herbert Powell: How did you know?
:Homer: Because I'm your baby brother, Homer!
:Silence at other end
:Homer: Hello. Hello? Stupid phone!
:Herb: Knock it off! I'm here! I was silent due to emotion.
:Homer: Sorry. We need to meet. Grab a plane to Springfield. We got a couch that folds out--
:Herb: I'll tell you what, why don't you come here?
:Powell residence pans out to show it is a luxurious mansion
----
:Herb: While you're here, I want you to make yourselves right at home. Anytime you're hungry, anytime day or night, Cook will make you anything you want.
:Homer: Even pork chops?
:Herb: Absolutely. We have a tennis court, a swimming pool, a screening room--
:Homer: You mean, if I want pork chops, even in the middle of the night, your guy will fry 'em up?
:Herb: Sure. That's what he's paid for. Now, if you need towels, laundry--
:Homer: Wait!
:Herb: Maids--
:Homer: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Let me see if I've got this straight. It's Christmas day, 4:00 a.m., there's a rumble in my stomach--
:Marge: Homer, please!
:Herb: Your old man sure loves pork chops!
:Bart: He sure does, Uncle Herb.
:Herb: Bart, Uncle Herb sounds so formal. Do you think you can call me Unky Herb?
:Bart: No problemo, Unky Herb.
:Herb: (laughs) He's adorable. My nephew's adorable. 
----
:Lisa: I want to go on a pony ride!
:Bart: I want to go on a boat ride!
:Lisa: Pony ride!
:Bart: Boat ride!
:Scene cuts to Herb's yacht, where Lisa is riding a pony around the deck and Bart is looking through a telescope
:Herb: Kids are so easy to please.
:Marge: Herb, please do not think I am ungrateful for all you are doing for us, but I am just concerned we may be spoiling the kids.
----
:Herb: Okay, Homer, pick any one of these.
:Homer: You are giving me a car? But Herb, are these not expensive?
:Herb: {chuckling} Come on Homer, there is at a maximum only forty dollars worth of steel in each of these things! So which one do you want?
:Homer: None.
:Herb: Why not?
:Homer: I do not like any of them.
:Herb: Why not?
:Homer: They do not look that flashy.
:Executive #1: Sir, Americans do not like flashy cars. They want plain, economical vehicles.
:Homer: And they do not look like they can tear up the road.
:Executive #2: Sir, Americans do not want cars that are burners. Americans want good mileage.
:Herb: Homer, tell the nice man what country you come from.
:Homer: America.
:Herb: {enraged} Do you hear that, ya morons!? This is why we're getting killed in the marketplace! Instead of listening to people what they want; you're telling them what they want. (to Homer) I need your help.
:Homer: You do?
:Herb: Yeah. I want you to help me design a car. A car for all the Homer Simpsons out there. I want to pay you $200,000 a year!
:Homer: And I wanna let you!
----
:Powell Motors. A motivated Homer returns after a pep talk from Herb.
:Homer: All right, you eggheads! I want a place on this car to put my drink!
:Engineer #1: Sir, the-the car has a beverage holder.
:Homer: Hello!? Hello, Einstein!? I said a place to put my drink! You know The Super Slackers they sell at Kwik-E-Mart? The cup is this big!
:Engineer #2: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Extremely large beverage holder.
:Homer: And I'm not done yet. You know that little ball you put on the aerial so you can find your car in a parking lot. That should be on every car. 
:Engineer #2: (Talks as he writes on a clipboard.) Little ball.
:Homer: And some things are so snazzy they never go out of style. Like tail fins and bubble domes and shag carpeting. 
:Engineer #1: I gotta call the boss! 
:Homer: I want a horn here, here and here. You can never find a horn when you're mad and it should play La Cucaracha. And sometimes the kids are in the back seat, they're hollering, they're making you nuts, there's gotta be something you can do about that.
:Engineer #3: Maybe a built in video game would keep them entertained?
:Homer: You're fired! What is my brother paying you for?
:Engineer #4: What about uh a separate soundproof bubble-dome for the kids? With optional restraints and muzzles?
:Homer: Bullseye! And another thing, when I gun the motor I want people to think the world is coming to an end. Roooom, roooom!
: ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ---- ----
: (Herb watches the The Itchy and Scratchy Show with the kids):
:Lisa: The mouse is named Itchy.
:Herb: Uh-huh.
:Lisa: And the cat is named Scratchy.
:Herb: I gotcha.
:Bart: They hate each other.
:Herb: Yeah.
:Bart: And they are not shy of expressing each other.
:Herb: Oh, good, good, good, good, good, good, good.
:(After watching the episode, Herb, Bart and Lisa burst out laughing)
:Herb: To think I wasted my life in boardrooms and stockholders meeting, when I could have been watching cartoons! This fool's wasted his life. (They keep on laughing.) 
----
:Detroit Zoo. Herb has bribed the zookeeper for Bart and Lisa to get a close look at the penguin exhibit.
:Sign: ONLY EMPLOYEES ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.
:Bart: Woo hoo!
:Lisa: {talking to a penguin} Do you miss Antarctica?
:Marge: Now that is spoiling them!
----
:Homer: I can't help but think that maybe you would've been better off if I never came into your life.
:Herb: Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe!? Why you sponge head-- Of course I'd have been better off! As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother!
:Marge: Hmm, maybe he said it to make conversation.
:Lisa: His life was an unbridled success until he found out he was a Simpson.
----
:Entire Simpsons family is asleep in car save for Homer, who is driving, and Bart is awake.
:Bart: Dad?
:Homer: Yes, Bart?
:Bart: I thought that was a really cool car you designed.
:Homer: Thanks son, I was waiting for someone to say that.
:Road sign: YOU ARE NOW LEAVING MICHIGAN.
es:Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?/Frases