Public Enemy No. 1

Public Enemy No. 1 is the fiftieth episode of Cult of Squid. It released on July 13th, 2021 and was written by Purple133. 
== Plot ==
On the run from literally everyone, Squidward turns to Zomp for help since there’s nobody else to turn to; elsewhere, Noseward experiences divine intervention from a mysterious new force.
== Transcript ==
(Episode begins with Squidward handing Zomp the Book of the Damned)
Zomp: So we have a deal. Let’s translate this sucker first!
Squidward: What language even is it?
Zomp: My guess is as good as yours. I have connections here though. 
Squidward: So where do we go to meet these “connections”?
Zomp: Follow me.
(Zomp and Squidward walk out into Rock Bottom; cut to Noseward on the run)
Noseward: WHERE AM I?
(Noseward trips over a rock and some random mob member catches up to him)
Random Fish: OKAY! WHO ARE YOU?
Noseward: Um Noseward. I’m with you!
Random Fish: Oh okay. 
Noseward: Phew-
Random Fish: WAIT A MINUTE!
Noseward: What?
Random Fish: If you’re really with us, what’s your job in the Phoenix project?
Noseward: The what now?
Random Fish: So you’re an ENEMY!
Noseward: Hey man aren’t you sort of overreacting?
Random Fish: AHHHHHH!
(The fish’s eyes flash red and he grabs a random stone and throws it at Noseward)
Noseward: Hey man what’s your problem!?
Random Fish: I DONT KNOW!
Noseward: Oooook then. So I’m going to leave?
Random Fish: No you’re not. You could be a spy from Squidward!
Noseward: What are you going on about?
Random Fish: I don’t know. What am I doing with my life?
Noseward: What?
Random Fish: HAHAHAA PSYCH!
(The fish throws a rock at Noseward’s head and he gets knocked out; Noseward wakes up in another vision)
Noseward: Okay can somebody please explain who’s doing this?
Creature: I’m doing it. 
Noseward: Can you explain who and what the heck you’re supposed to be?
Creature: Well this is the only way for me to appear for you safely without your mind imploding from lack of comprehension.
Noseward: Are you calling me stupid?
Creature: No, I’m calling you mortal. So yeah basically stupid but still, I don’t want to cause you harm. We have plans for you Noseward.
Noseward: Who’s “we”?
Creature: You’ll learn that soon enough. Squidward is on the run and he has a book, but there’s no way to translate it. We need you to go to him and translate it.
Noseward: Um the only foreign language I know is Atlantian.
Creature: Here.
(The creature taps Noseward’s head and suddenly he understands the language)
Noseward: Enochian? What fish speak this?
Creature: Not fish, and certainly not humans. 
(The creature disappears and Noseward wakes up chain to a table)
Noseward: WHERE AM I?!
Random Fish: Hi Noseward. So my name is actually Mussolini. 
Noseward: Sounds made up.
Mussolini: I’m named after some famous land-dweller. Anyways, I’m going to eat you now.
Noseward: Hold up, WHAT?!
Mussolini: Well I was actually kicked out of Project Phoenix for being a bit of a cannibal. It’s not my fault that I became a cannibal, I just had to eat my friends during the invasion after we ran out of food!
Noseward: Dude you could’ve just started a farm like everyone else-
Mussolini: WHATS A FARM?! AHAHAHHAHAHhahahahahahHhaha
(Mussolini gets out a rusty fork)
Mussolini: This might get uncomfortable.
(Cut to Squidward and Zomp arriving at a strange blue building with a sign in a language that only exists in Rock Bottom)
Zomp: I still don’t know what that sign means.
Squidward: So who’s your “connection” here? 
Zomp: Her name’s Madame ă̸̢̼͚̙̻͕͇͔͓̫̠͍b̶̢̡̨̨̢̖̞͍̱̱̜̝̙̭͓͓͕̗̗͙͖̜̹͍̘̯̺͎̼͍̑̀̓͊̆̄͊͊̇̒̊͜ç̸̨̛̬̘̲̱̮̜̠̹̙̳̤͚̙̼̥̑̑̅̿̄̅͊̀̑̾̍̍̀̈́̈́͂́́̂̉̈̂͛̊͆̈́́̅̓́̾̍͘͝͠͝ͅḑ̶̨̤͕̘͕̫̼̟̳̪̥̺̼̥͎̩͚͉͓̯̠̭̫͎̟̼̲͇̝̗̟̟̈́͛̊̊̒̇̔̂͆̀̽̓̽̓̉̽̄̿̀̅̋̄͒̍̉͂̅̏͗́̂͌͂́̚͝͝͝ͅe̸̡͖͗͒̾̓͌̈́̅̈́̎̇́͑́́̍̈́̄́̈́̈̅̂͌̓͑̓̀̚̕͜͝͝ ̵̢̘̹̤̞̩̠̤͔̺̝̤̗̦̲̃̀̿͌̈́́͛̎̾̈́̒̅͝ͅ.
Squidward: What now?
Zomp: You heard me. Madame ă̸̢̼͚̙̻͕͇͔͓̫̠͍b̶̢̡̨̨̢̖̞͍̱̱̜̝̙̭͓͓͕̗̗͙͖̜̹͍̘̯̺͎̼͍̑̀̓͊̆̄͊͊̇̒̊͜ç̸̨̛̬̘̲̱̮̜̠̹̙̳̤͚̙̼̥̑̑̅̿̄̅͊̀̑̾̍̍̀̈́̈́͂́́̂̉̈̂͛̊͆̈́́̅̓́̾̍͘͝͠͝ͅḑ̶̨̤͕̘͕̫̼̟̳̪̥̺̼̥͎̩͚͉͓̯̠̭̫͎̟̼̲͇̝̗̟̟̈́͛̊̊̒̇̔̂͆̀̽̓̽̓̉̽̄̿̀̅̋̄͒̍̉͂̅̏͗́̂͌͂́̚͝͝͝ͅe̸̡͖͗͒̾̓͌̈́̅̈́̎̇́͑́́̍̈́̄́̈́̈̅̂͌̓͑̓̀̚̕͜͝͝ ̵̢̘̹̤̞̩̠̤͔̺̝̤̗̦̲̃̀̿͌̈́́͛̎̾̈́̒̅͝ͅ.
Squidward: Okay what does she do?
Zomp: She knows every language that exists on our small planet.
Squidward: How?
Zomp: I don’t know. There’s a small chance it could be a scam. 
(Zomp and Squidward knock on the door)
Zomp: Hello ă̸̢̼͚̙̻͕͇͔͓̫̠͍b̶̢̡̨̨̢̖̞͍̱̱̜̝̙̭͓͓͕̗̗͙͖̜̹͍̘̯̺͎̼͍̑̀̓͊̆̄͊͊̇̒̊͜ç̸̨̛̬̘̲̱̮̜̠̹̙̳̤͚̙̼̥̑̑̅̿̄̅͊̀̑̾̍̍̀̈́̈́͂́́̂̉̈̂͛̊͆̈́́̅̓́̾̍͘͝͠͝ͅḑ̶̨̤͕̘͕̫̼̟̳̪̥̺̼̥͎̩͚͉͓̯̠̭̫͎̟̼̲͇̝̗̟̟̈́͛̊̊̒̇̔̂͆̀̽̓̽̓̉̽̄̿̀̅̋̄͒̍̉͂̅̏͗́̂͌͂́̚͝͝͝ͅe̸̡͖͗͒̾̓͌̈́̅̈́̎̇́͑́́̍̈́̄́̈́̈̅̂͌̓͑̓̀̚̕͜͝͝ ̵̢̘̹̤̞̩̠̤͔̺̝̤̗̦̲̃̀̿͌̈́́͛̎̾̈́̒̅͝ͅ! Long time no see! Hey for my friend here is there a way to make your name slightly more ya know, understandable?
ă̸̢̼͚̙̻͕͇͔͓̫̠͍b̶̢̡̨̨̢̖̞͍̱̱̜̝̙̭͓͓͕̗̗͙͖̜̹͍̘̯̺͎̼͍̑̀̓͊̆̄͊͊̇̒̊͜ç̸̨̛̬̘̲̱̮̜̠̹̙̳̤͚̙̼̥̑̑̅̿̄̅͊̀̑̾̍̍̀̈́̈́͂́́̂̉̈̂͛̊͆̈́́̅̓́̾̍͘͝͠͝ͅḑ̶̨̤͕̘͕̫̼̟̳̪̥̺̼̥͎̩͚͉͓̯̠̭̫͎̟̼̲͇̝̗̟̟̈́͛̊̊̒̇̔̂͆̀̽̓̽̓̉̽̄̿̀̅̋̄͒̍̉͂̅̏͗́̂͌͂́̚͝͝͝ͅe̸̡͖͗͒̾̓͌̈́̅̈́̎̇́͑́́̍̈́̄́̈́̈̅̂͌̓͑̓̀̚̕͜͝͝ ̵̢̘̹̤̞̩̠̤͔̺̝̤̗̦̲̃̀̿͌̈́́͛̎̾̈́̒̅͝ͅ: Just call me “A”.
Squidward: Okay A!
A: That’s MADAME A to you. What can I do for you today Zomp?
Zomp: I need a book translated. It’s in a language that neither of us has ever seen. 
A: Any specific region you found the book in?
Squidward: I don’t know, a friend just handed it to me and said the answers to my problems were in it!
A: Okay so no idea. Well that’s not a problem.
(A looks at the title)
A: Book of the Damned?
Squidward: Yeah, it’s a spellbook-
A: I know what it is, it’s one of the most dangerous objects of legend ever created. The spells in here have the ability to completely wipe Earth off the map. What do you need it for exactly?
Squidward: To break a spell. Wait how are you not affected by it?
A: Oh please, I have enough warding around this building to protect me from everything except the Lord Almighty. Heck, even the blue is keeping out a deep sea creature that’s scared of bright blue objects. 
Squidward: That’s specific. Can you translate the page that’s marked?
A: I um. Well there’s an issue. I’ve never seen this type of language before.
Squidward: Wait what??
(Cut to Noseward as Mussolini is about to eat him)
Mussolini: YOURE GONNA TASTE SO YUMMY!
(Noseward realizes how rusted the chains are and breaks free)
Noseward: WOW that was easy.
Mussolini: HOW? YOU ESCAPED?
(Noseward pushes Mussolini and he trips over a table and hits his head against the wall, knocking him out instantly)
Noseward: Okay, now to find Squidward.  
(Noseward walks out of a door labeled exit and realizes he was inside of the Chum Bucket)
Noseward: What an odd place to cannibalize poor fish people! 
(Cut to Squidward and Zomp watching A try to translate)
A: Nope, that’s not gonna budge. I don’t know where to start. 
Squidward: Fantastic. So what now?
Zomp: We find somebody who actually knows how to translate. Let’s go back to Bikini Bottom.
A: Well about that see, I can’t let you head home.
Zomp: What’s the meaning of this?
(A bunch of buff fish in armor with Phoenixes painted on them break through the window)
A: They paid me well, Zomp. You know how it goes!
Zomp: DAMMIT! I’m supposed to be the ultimate double-crosser!
A: Well I guess the ultimate double-crosser got double crossed. Goodbye old friend!
(A hops out of an open window and drops the Book of the Damned; the Phoenix Captain approaches Squidward)
Phoenix Captain: By the authority of the Reawakened One, I hereby place you under arrest for crimes against fishkind. You’ll be tried within the hour. 
(The Phoenix Captain handcuffs Squidward when Noseward suddenly arrives)
Noseward: That’s right, I’m here!
Squidward: Noseward? Did you come to kill me?
Noseward: No actually, I think I was sent here by some type of creature thing. I don’t really know what it was, but it also gave me the ability to do this.
Squidward: Do what?
(Noseward collapses the lungs of all the Phoenix troops)
Squidward: Holy crap!
Noseward: Yeah it’s a pretty neat trick. Pretty sure it was only a one time thing though. However he also gave me the ability to translate every page in that book!
Squidward: Alright even better! Let’s get it translated!
(Noseward grabs the Book of the Damned and puts his hand in the center. It glows golden and suddenly the pages of the book fly out and start being rewritten in the air, then they’re sent back in)
Squidward: Okay I don’t know who you’ve been talking to recently but they’ve got some serious power to just allow you to do that every once in a while.
Noseward: Yeah we’ll figure them out later. Let’s read!
Zomp: Yeah see about that..
(Zomp pulls a gun on Noseward and Squidward)
Zomp: I’m gonna have to see that book.
Squidward: Zomp what’s the meaning of this?
Zomp: Like I said, I’m the ultimate double crosser. An old legend I heard while on the road says that the Book of the Damned holds the key to both preventing and beginning world domination. 
Squidward: So after all that you’re just going to betray us and take the book for yourself? What happened to helping me break this curse?
Zomp: You think I actually cared about helping you? I look out for myself first Squidward, I learned that pretty early on during your invasion. With this boom, I’m going to become UNSTOPPABLE and there’s nothing you and whatever allies you have left can do to stop me. 
Noseward: Talk about a monologue-r.
Zomp: I’m going to take over the entire known world now. Thanks boys, but it’s time for me to go. Ciao!
(Zomp opens a page in the book and then does a hand gesture, causing him to disappear in a cloud of smoke)
Squidward: *dolphin noises*
Noseward: What now?
Squidward: We go find Squilliam and then finally get rid of Zomp.
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