The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear/Transcript

The Honourable Alan Dee
and former Mrs Easton.
 
 
The Honourable William
and Mrs Breslow.
 
 
The Honourable Nelson
and Mrs Winnie Mandela.
 
 
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the USA,
 
 
and Mrs Bush.
 
 
How is everybody?
Everybody's here! Look!
 
 
Hi, Peter.
 
 
Jack, glad you could make it.
Bill, hi.
 
 
Get rid of the beard. Too liberal.
Hi, Frank. Trudy.
 
 
Hi, Peter.
Glad you could make it.
 
 
Everybody's here tonight.
 
 
Thank you very much.
Dr Meinheimer, glad you made it, sir.
 
 
Here she is.
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
Easy, watch her head!
 
 
- How are you, dear?
- I'm OK.
 
 
Good. Please be seated.
 
 
Welcome. Glad you could all come.
 
 
I'm pleased to see we're graced
 
 
with the presence of
so many distinguished guests tonight.
 
 
This week we're celebrating Law
Enforcement Week across the country.
 
 
I'd like to turn the proceedings over
to our own DC Police Commissioner,
 
 
Captain Annabel Brumford.
 
 
I wish to introduce a distinguished
American, who this week is honoured
 
 
for his , th drug dealer killed.
 
 
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
 
 
Lieutenant Frank Drebin
of Police Squad.
 
 
Er, in all honesty, the last two
I backed over with my car.
 
 
Luckily, they turned out
to be drug dealers.
 
 
Er, thank you, Commissioner.
 
 
Now my Chief of Staff, John Sununu,
will introduce some special guests.
 
 
Thank you.
 
 
I'm very proud to welcome our guests
from the nation's energy suppliers.
 
 
First, head of the Society
of Petroleum lndustry Leaders -
 
 
better known as SPIL -
 
 
Mr Terence Baggett.
 
 
Now, chairman of the Society
for More Coal Energy, or SMoCE,
 
 
- Mr Donald Fenwick.
- Thank you very much.
 
 
And president of the Key Atomic
Benefits Office Of Mankind - KABOOM,
 
 
Mr Arthur Dunwell.
 
 
For the past three years,
 
 
this administration has tried to
formulate a national energy policy,
 
 
one with a lasting impact
on the next decade and beyond.
 
 
To ensure we choose the right path,
 
 
the President has appointed
as his top advisor in this area...
 
 
Dr Albert S Meinheimer.
 
 
As I'm sure you're aware
his reputation is without peer,
 
 
and Dr Meinheimer
will present his recommendations
 
 
to the annual national
press club dinner...
 
 
Mr President...
 
 
I want you all
to be the first to know
 
 
that I am basing my administration's
entire energy policy
 
 
on Dr Meinheimer's recommendations.
 
 
This issue's too important for
politicians with special interests.
 
 
Rather we need an independent source
on which to base our future actions,
 
 
and Meinheimer is the recognised
expert in this field.
 
 
Mr President...
 
 
If I may say so,
 
 
I do hope that Dr Meinheimer
 
 
won't be influen...influenced
by the so-called environmentalists.
 
 
We're well aware of his reputation.
 
 
I think HE should
explain his research.
 
 
Doctor?
 
 
This happens every fucking time
I go shopping!
 
 
- Jane?
- Oh, Dr Meinheimer!
 
 
- You're back early.
- And you're here late.
 
 
Surely a lovely young woman like you
has better things to do on Saturdays?
 
 
Oh, I'm sorry, my dear.
I didn't mean to be so blunt.
 
 
It's all right, Doctor. It's OK.
 
 
Are you thinking about him again?
What was his name...Frank?
 
 
Yes.
 
 
You can't forget him, can you?
 
 
- Who?
- Frank.
 
 
Oh, yes!
 
 
No, I can't.
 
 
I try. It's just that...
 
 
when you've had that much man...
 
 
But then, you wouldn't understand.
 
 
Jane, look!
You mustn't be so hard on yourself.
 
 
You've done a wonderful job
here at the institute.
 
 
You're the finest director
of public relations we've had.
 
 
Thank you, Doctor. I try my best.
 
 
But I see you here
night after night past ten.
 
 
You've got to forget about the past.
See new people! Enjoy yourself!
 
 
There is someone I'm seeing. We've
been talking about your speech...
 
 
Good evening, Miss Spencer...
Dr Meinheimer.
 
 
Hello, Norm.
 
 
Oh! How was the White House dinner?
 
 
Extraordinary!
 
 
The President promised to implement
whatever recommendations I make.
 
 
That's wonderful!
 
 
- Then you'll deliver the speech?
- Yes.
 
 
I would have tonight but one guest
made such a ruckus, it was useless.
 
 
Hey, Al, Kent, look at this!
 
 
Found this in the wastebasket.
 
 
That's a pretty nice clock!
Wonder why they threw it out?
 
 
It's four minutes slow!
Let me fix it.
 
 
There!
 
 
My name is Sergeant Frank Drebin,
Detective Lieutenant, Police Squad.
 
 
I was just having my car washed,
when I heard the call.
 
 
There'd been a bombing downtown. I
was on my way to advise the DC police
 
 
as part of the President's
Operation Scum Round-up.
 
 
Every once in a while something
comes up that you can't prepare for.
 
 
Some crazed madman,
 
 
full of self-hate -
and possibly behind in his rent -
 
 
finally snapped.
 
 
- Glad you could make it.
- Got here as quick as I could.
 
 
Congratulations on Edna's pregnancy!
 
 
Yes, and if I catch the guy...!
 
 
Captain, there's no sign of
a break-in. Man, what an explosion!
 
 
Still trying to figure out
what they used.
 
 
- Any other victims?
- You're standing on one.
 
 
Get him outta here.
 
 
This one's a real mess!
 
 
Hey, everybody!
Frank found another one!
 
 
- Any witnesses?
- One, a woman.
 
 
She saw a man leaving
just before the blast.
 
 
Should we let Nordberg handle this?
 
 
No. I'll do it while it's fresh.
 
 
Not now! She took a nasty knock
on the head. She looks pretty bad!
 
 
I'll handle it. Excuse me, miss.
 
 
- I have some questions.
- Not THAT bad, Frank!
 
 
She's being questioned over there.
 
 
I couldn't believe it was her.
 
 
It was like a dream. But there
she was, just as I remembered her.
 
 
That delicately beautiful face.
 
 
A body that could melt a cheese
sandwich from across the room.
 
 
And breasts that seemed to say...
 
 
"Hey! Look at these!"
 
 
She made you want to drop
to your knees
 
 
and thank God you were a man!
 
 
She reminded me of my mother,
all right. No doubt about it.
 
 
Stop looking at her like she was
your mother, for Christ's sake!
 
 
Frank!
 
 
- Jane, I didn't know you lived here.
- I moved here two years ago.
 
 
- How are the children?
- We didn't have any.
 
 
Oh, yes!
 
 
- How was your prostate operation?
- Fine. Good as new. Even better!
 
 
I know it's hard, but are you still
obsessed with our relationship?
 
 
Obsessed?! Just because you backed
out of the wedding two years ago?!
 
 
It's ancient history,
like the Democrats.
 
 
- Frank?
- He was in tears at the church.
 
 
Get a grip!
 
 
- I returned Cuisinarts!
- Enough.
 
 
- I kept the salad shooter, though.
- Jane!
 
 
Hello, Jane.
 
 
- This is Dr Albert Meinheimer.
- Don't get up.
 
 
- Nice to meet you.
- Likewise, I'm sure.
 
 
But, we've met -
at the White House dinner?
 
 
He has a photographic memory.
 
 
This is a terrible thing.
I hope you find those responsible.
 
 
I'm sorry,
but we have a long road ahead of us.
 
 
Like having sex, it's an arduous
task that goes on forever
 
 
and just when it's going your way,
nothing happens!
 
 
Jane. About this man from last night?
Anything can help.
 
 
I've given a description.
 
 
Ed!
 
 
That'll be all, McTigue.
 
 
Let's get that other artist.
The one who never dates.
 
 
- Lives with those two guys.
- Right.
 
 
I'd like to see
the rest of the institute now.
 
 
- Let's start with the research area.
- Good idea. This way.
 
 
- And the man you saw last night?
- He's Caucasian.
 
 
- Caucasian?
- Yeah. White guy.
 
 
- Moustache. About six foot three.
- Awfully big moustache!
 
 
- What's this?
- This is our research lab.
 
 
All experiments are controlled
by these machines below.
 
 
Our scientists have spent years
on experiments
 
 
and are just now making
breakthroughs.
 
 
Oh, my God!
 
 
Thank heavens the bomb
didn't damage the research area.
 
 
- Who'd want to do such a thing?
- Er, Jane.
 
 
- You should know about something.
- Jane, darling!
 
 
Quentin!
 
 
Jane, are you all right?
I was so worried about you.
 
 
I'm OK. But I'm glad you're here.
 
 
Oh, sorry! This is Quentin Hapsburg
of Hexagon Oil.
 
 
A pleasure, Mr...?
 
 
Drebin. Frank Drebin.
I've used some of your rest rooms.
 
 
I'm...sure you have.
 
 
Are you connected to the institute?
 
 
Well, not officially, but Jane and I
have seen each other a lot lately.
 
 
My little hell-cat!
 
 
Well...great. I've been dating too -
a nice girl, an author.
 
 
She writes about male sexual
problems. You probably know her.
 
 
- I beg your pardon!
- Frank!
 
 
OK. Let's handle this maturely, just
like the responsible adults we are.
 
 
OK, Mr Poopy-Pants?!
 
 
- That does it!
- Frank!
 
 
Quentin, maybe you should excuse us?
 
 
Anything you wish, my darling.
 
 
Until tonight, then.
 
 
I'm feelin' blue
 
 
Just thinkin' of you
 
 
I get out of bed
 
 
Wish I was dead
 
 
And I hope you do, too
 
 
So I have given up
 
 
I've thrown in the towel
 
 
I've taken all the pills
 
 
The law will allow
 
 
And so I'm feelin' blue...
 
 
Sir?
 
 
Gimme the strongest thing you got.
 
 
On second thoughts,
how about a Black Russian?
 
 
Very well.
 
 
I guess I'm just...
 
 
screwed...
 
 
Frank.
 
 
- I thought I'd find you here.
- Ed. Sit down.
 
 
Pull up a memory or two.
 
 
You left before I could talk to you.
 
 
Is it my imagination
or is the whole world crazy?
 
 
No, it's just a small
percentage of the population.
 
 
I hope you're right.
But do I fit any more?
 
 
You're still thinking about Jane,
aren't you?
 
 
She's part of my life,
always will be. I can't forget her.
 
 
But it's done. Minute I heard her
say, "Get outta my life", I knew it.
 
 
You know,
sometimes I envy you and Edna.
 
 
You have the same person
every day for over years.
 
 
You wake up, eat with her,
sleep with her.
 
 
Make love to the same woman.
 
 
You spend every possible
waking moment together,
 
 
while I'm out running around
with -year-olds who want cheap sex.
 
 
Girls who can't say no. Girls who
can't get enough. "More, more, more.
 
 
"Your turn to wear the handcuffs..."
 
 
- I... I just wanna love, Ed.
- I'm sure you'll find love.
 
 
- I already have one.
- It's from the lady.
 
 
Go to her.
 
 
Go on. I'll see you in the morning.
 
 
Excuse me.
 
 
Pardon me.
 
 
Sorry.
 
 
This is not easy to say. I'm lonely.
I'm lost. I need someone to hold.
 
 
Frank.
 
 
Over here.
 
 
Well...
 
 
What are you doing here?
 
 
I called your hotel
and got no answer.
 
 
- I thought maybe you'd be here.
- Good evening, Sam.
 
 
Mr Drebin! Jane!
Always nice to see nice people.
 
 
Sam, play our song.
Just one more time.
 
 
Of course.
 
 
Sam! That's enough!
Play the other one.
 
 
You can't let ghosts die, can you?
You walk out on me. No explanation.
 
 
- Didn't you get my letters?
- Every one.
 
 
Tore 'em up. Threw them in the fire.
 
 
So you didn't get the $ 
your uncle left you?
 
 
Why are you here?
 
 
I remembered that last night I saw
a red van parked across the street.
 
 
Red van? That'll be very helpful.
That's it. So you can go now, right?
 
 
That's not my only reason
for being here.
 
 
- I want us to be friends.
- Sure. Friends.
 
 
I bet if I dusted you for prints,
they'd be Hapsburg's.
 
 
You...!
 
 
So this kitten
still knows how to scratch!
 
 
Sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
 
 
Frank, we're no good together.
 
 
- You only lived for police work.
- You lived for the N-zone layer!
 
 
Ozone layer!
You never did understand.
 
 
How can you say that,
 
 
when I bought
 , acres of Brazilian jungle,
 
 
then had it slashed and burned
to build our dream-house?
 
 
You're so insensitive!
 
 
Insensitive?! You think it's easy
displacing an entire tribe? You try!
 
 
I'd better go! This was a mistake.
 
 
I was hoping you'd be happy,
that you'd have someone!
 
 
I'm single!
 
 
I love being single!
 
 
I haven't had this much sex
since I was a Scout leader.
 
 
At the time, I was dating a lot.
 
 
I told you
the bombing wouldn't work!
 
 
We had no choice. Look at the paper!
 
 
"President to give Meinheimer
blank cheque at press club dinner."
 
 
That's in two days!
 
 
- I know!
- We all do.
 
 
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
 
 
I know you're all worried,
and I agree -
 
 
there's plenty to be worried about.
 
 
Like this solar power plant.
 
 
Already operational
outside Los Angeles.
 
 
Photo-voltaic cells.
 
 
They convert sunlight directly
into electricity. Fluorescent -
 
 
Iasts much longer than a conventional
bulb, using a quarter of the power.
 
 
Super windows - insulate as well
as ten sheets of glass.
 
 
An electric car -
partially powered by solar panels.
 
 
But the truth is, gentlemen,
 
 
I'm not worried
about any of these things.
 
 
Because no one's ever
going to know about them.
 
 
What about Meinheimer
and his report?
 
 
He's going to tell the President.
 
 
Good question.
Why don't we just ask him?
 
 
That's kidnapping!
 
 
- Heavens!
- What about the speech?
 
 
Dr Meinheimer
WILL deliver his speech.
 
 
It is my view,
 
 
we must rely on coal,
oil and nuclear energy.
 
 
- OUR Dr Meinheimer.
- Oh, my God!
 
 
Gentlemen,
 
 
meet Earl Hacker,
 
 
former Arts consultant
to Jesse Helms.
 
 
As I explained to Hapsburg,
my fee is one million.
 
 
And, might I add,
I'm worth every penny.
 
 
But you gentlemen
don't have any choice...
 
 
..do ya! Ha, ha!
 
 
After getting a good night's sleep,
I decided to head back to HQ.
 
 
I figured,
if I buried myself in work,
 
 
I could forget about Jane and catch
a killer before he struck again.
 
 
So far we had few clues. I hoped
the lab boys had found something.
 
 
Hey, shut that thing off!
 
 
Now, pigs, say your prayers!
 
 
- Nice work, Frank.
- What?
 
 
Ted, show us those lab results
from the institute.
 
 
We couldn't get any clean prints.
But we did find footprints outside.
 
 
We made plaster casts out of them.
 
 
Size / D.
We're running a trace now.
 
 
Even more interesting,
 
 
we found this dinosaur footprint
from the Paleolithic era.
 
 
Anything else?
 
 
We also found ancient timbers
we believe may be from Noah's Ark.
 
 
But about the case...?
 
 
I'm departing tomorrow to speak
to the Archaeological Society.
 
 
And I'm on "Geraldo" next week.
 
 
You're on "Geraldo" because of this?
 
 
No. My wife's a transsexual
Satan-worshipper.
 
 
We'll continue print analysis,
fibre checks, DNA breakdown,
 
 
and using the dirt particles
on this footprint...
 
 
It's a matter of getting
a geologic breakdown of the city.
 
 
We may not have that kind of time.
 
 
Then maybe this'll help.
 
 
We found this wallet
outside the institute.
 
 
We haven't examined it thoroughly.
It just came down from the lab.
 
 
Hector Savage. From Detroit.
Hey, I remember this punk. Ex-boxer.
 
 
- His real name was Joey Chicago.
- Yeah. He fought as Kid Minneapolis.
 
 
I saw him fight once in Cincinnati.
 
 
No, that's Kid New York, in Philly.
 
 
Killed in Houston, by Tex Colorado -
The Arizona Assassin.
 
 
Yeah! From Dakota!
Was it North or South?
 
 
South Dakota was his brother,
from West Virginia.
 
 
You know your boxing!
 
 
All I know is never
bet on the white guy.
 
 
You got an address there?
 
 
All I got is a card that says
"Monique DiCarlo, Bleckman St."
 
 
The red light district.
Why's Savage hanging out down there?
 
 
- Sex, Frank?
- Er...
 
 
No, not right now Ed.
We've got work to do.
 
 
The address we were given for
Monique DiCarlo was in Little ltaly.
 
 
We proceeded there, hoping
it would lead us to Hector Savage.
 
 
And to a clue to break
the case wide open.
 
 
It's the cops!
You gotta get rid of 'em!
 
 
I'll handle it. Quick!
You'll be safe in the basement.
 
 
- Ed.
- Frank?
 
 
- Red van.
- I know.
 
 
Jane said she saw a red van
outside the institute that night.
 
 
- Let's take him!
- No. He's not working alone.
 
 
Let's bug it and see where he goes.
 
 
- Good thinking, Frank. Nordberg!
- No problem!
 
 
Lieutenant Frank Drebin.
This is my captain.
 
 
- Is this some kind of bust?
- Well, it's very impressive,
 
 
but we have some questions.
 
 
All right, listen! We're looking for
a Hector Savage. Now, where is he?
 
 
Why should I tell you, copper?
 
 
I'm the last line of defence between
this dirt and the decent people.
 
 
Hi, Frank.
 
 
We got that D Swedish
suck machine that you ordered.
 
 
A gift.
 
 
Frank! Come here! Quick!
 
 
It's Savage! He's moving.
 
 
Hey! Stop! Stop!
I'm a police officer!
 
 
Let's go, Ed. And remember,
we can't let him spot us.
 
 
Pull over!
 
 
Nordberg's bug is on the money!
 
 
He's changing direction.
Stop the car.
 
 
- He's closing.
- Any time now.
 
 
Keep your eyes peeled.
 
 
He's real close now!
 
 
Step on it!
 
 
Help! Stop! Stop!
 
 
Frank, stop!
 
 
Stop right now!
 
 
I said stop!
 
 
Help! Help!
 
 
- Frank Drebin. What do we have here?
- Tense situation.
 
 
Savage is in that house.
Says he's got hostages.
 
 
Could be bluffing.
 
 
- Anything else?
- Yeah. That red van...
 
 
It's registered
to one Quentin Hapsburg.
 
 
Well.
 
 
Looks like the cows have come home
to roost. How ya doin', trooper?
 
 
Hey! Stop firing!
 
 
Hold it! Stop firing!
 
 
Stop firing!
 
 
Stop firing!
 
 
All right. Give me the bull horn.
 
 
This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad.
 
 
Throw down your guns,
and come on out with your hands up.
 
 
Or come on out, then throw down your
guns, whichever way you wanna do it.
 
 
Just remember the two key elements.
 
 
One - guns down. Two - come on out.
 
 
You just try and take me!
 
 
I got more!
 
 
Looks like he's holding
all the cards.
 
 
Not all the cards, Ed.
 
 
You're not permitted
to drive that tank!
 
 
Don't worry, Ed. Just keep him busy.
 
 
All right, Savage. What do you want?
 
 
I want a car. Something fun.
A Porsche.
 
 
A plane ticket to Jamaica,
and a nice hotel.
 
 
No touristy place. Something
really indicative of the culture.
 
 
Can't do that, Savage.
 
 
We're calling your bluff. Put your
hands on your head and come out.
 
 
Frank, what are you doing?
Where are you going? Frank!
 
 
Frank! Help!
 
 
- Your coat, sir?
- Yes, it is.
 
 
And I have a receipt to prove it.
 
 
Telephone, Commissioner.
 
 
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
 
 
Yes?
 
 
He did what?
 
 
How many animals escaped?
 
 
Oh, my God!
 
 
Evening, Commissioner.
You're looking lovely tonight.
 
 
Do you realise that because of you
this city is overrun by baboons?
 
 
Isn't that the fault
of the voters? Excuse me.
 
 
I'd just like to thank you all
for attending this event
 
 
in honour of Dr Meinheimer who will
make his historic address tomorrow.
 
 
And along with the President,
 
 
I, too, pledge to support
Dr Meinheimer's recommendations,
 
 
whatever they may be.
 
 
- And now, please enjoy the evening.
- Oh, there's someone I know.
 
 
May I cut in?
 
 
- Frank! Why are you here?
- I enjoy a good party.
 
 
- Why, really?
- I can sum that up in three words.
 
 
Quentin Hapsburg.
 
 
I never liked him. He's as dirty
as a miner's underwear in January.
 
 
What's gotten into you?
 
 
He's a gentle, concerned man who's
not as suspicious as some people!
 
 
Oh, yeah!
 
 
Why not ask him what his connection
is to that red van you saw?
 
 
I don't know what
you're talking about.
 
 
Ask him about a two-bit goon
called Savage.
 
 
Stop it!
 
 
You're jealous because he can
understand me like you never could.
 
 
I know he'll be jealous
if he's watching now.
 
 
And a jealous man always makes the
wrong moves. I'm counting on that.
 
 
Mr Drebin, sir, Mr Hapsburg
would like you to join him.
 
 
Solitaire's a lonely man's game,
Hapsburg.
 
 
Lieutenant.
 
 
I don't recall your name
on the guest list.
 
 
That's OK. I sometimes
go by my maiden name.
 
 
It's a nice party, Hapsburg.
I see a lot of familiar face-lifts.
 
 
Do you gamble?
 
 
Every time I order out.
 
 
You do speak French?
 
 
Unfortunately, no.
But I do kiss that way.
 
 
- You're in my place!
- Doctor!
 
 
- You remember Frank?
- Oh! Mr...um...?
 
 
Drebin, from Police Squad.
You met him at the institute.
 
 
Oh, yes. Do sit down.
 
 
No, thank you, I don't intend
to stay. Let's play another game.
 
 
Who's this?
 
 
I don't know.
 
 
He blew up a building.
His van is registered in your name.
 
 
We own lots of vans. One of them was
stolen not more than three days ago.
 
 
- I have nothing to hide.
- Maybe so.
 
 
But I warn you, so much as sneeze
and I'll be there to wipe your nose.
 
 
Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for
the first draw prize of the evening -
 
 
an all-expense-paid trip
to the Gilligan lslands.
 
 
To draw the winner, we would like
to ask our guest of honour,
 
 
Dr Albert S Meinheimer.
 
 
- Let me help you. No...
- No trouble.
 
 
I don't know what's got into Frank.
 
 
Merely a case of jealousy, my dear.
 
 
He seems to get
around marvellously.
 
 
Jane, I just wanna tell you
that I'm sorry about what happened.
 
 
- Oh, Frank.
- I need to talk to you. May l?
 
 
Well, the place is kind of a mess.
And I was gonna make a shake.
 
 
- Want some?
- No, thank you.
 
 
Are you sure? I'm trying out
a new recipe tonight.
 
 
Jane, what is Dr Meinheimer
going to say at the dinner tomorrow?
 
 
He will endorse energy efficiency
and renewable energy - solar power.
 
 
- Who else knew that?
- Only me. Oh! And Quentin.
 
 
And if the President supported
energy efficiency, who'd lose out?
 
 
Well, coal, oil and nuclear.
 
 
Jane, just one more question.
 
 
You told me that Dr Meinheimer
had a photographic memory,
 
 
yet tonight
he never recalled meeting me.
 
 
That's strange,
but he's been under stress.
 
 
Does he have any identifying marks?
 
 
A scar, a mole, webbed toes,
a third nostril?
 
 
He has a mole shaped like Whistler's
Mother on his right buttock.
 
 
I see.
 
 
Have you noticed anything different?
 
 
Well, only that he's a foot taller.
 
 
And he seems to be left-handed now.
 
 
What are you trying to tell me?
 
 
That Quentin
has found a double for Meinheimer
 
 
who'll give a fraudulent
report tomorrow?
 
 
That's brilliant!
 
 
That's a lot better than my idea.
 
 
Stop it! It's crazy!
ls there no end to your jealousy?
 
 
You're hurting me!
 
 
- What more do you want?
- Use your phone?
 
 
- Local call?
- Yes.
 
 
Right. Excuse me,
I'm gonna take a shower.
 
 
The phone is in the other room. Bye.
 
 
Gimme Captain Ed Hocken, please.
 
 
Ed, I'm on to something big.
I need you and Nordberg tomorrow.
 
 
What's he doing in Detroit?
 
 
Send him a ticket and clean pants.
 
 
Just as I suspected.
 
 
Come on! On your feet!
 
 
Where's the water pressure?
 
 
Oh, I was so frightened!
 
 
What happened out there?
 
 
It's nothing. But I wouldn't leave
till they've shampooed the carpets.
 
 
Who'd want to kill you?
 
 
Before tonight,
only the cable company.
 
 
I'm afraid it's one of Hapsburg's
goons. He was carrying this.
 
 
Hapsburg Valdez?!
 
 
I feel like such a fool.
I should have never doubted you.
 
 
There, there.
 
 
You couldn't know you were dating
a vicious, murdering sociopath.
 
 
We have to help Dr Meinheimer.
 
 
Yes. They'll torture and kill him.
 
 
It's all my fault.
 
 
They'll start by tearing out his
toe nails, then on to nose hairs.
 
 
What are we gonna do?
 
 
If my hunch is right,
they've got him hostage here.
 
 
At the Home Club?
 
 
No.
 
 
At this warehouse.
I gotta get going to rescue him.
 
 
Oh, you be careful!
 
 
Of course, l...
 
 
I will, er...
 
 
I guess I'd better be on my way.
 
 
I promised Nordberg
we'd bake a raisin nutbread tonight.
 
 
Oh, I can't fight it any more!
 
 
I ran away from you once. I can't
do it again. Stay with me. Please?
 
 
Frank, I'm telling ya.
We've got no business doing this.
 
 
All we've got is a dock pass
and your hunch.
 
 
Hapsburg is up to something, right
up to his important shirt collar.
 
 
Couldn't have picked a better day.
 
 
This fog will keep us concealed.
 
 
That's not fog. The engine's on fire.
 
 
All right. Let's run through
this one more time.
 
 
At : Nordberg cuts the power
and kills the alarms.
 
 
Right.
 
 
- Nordberg!
- Yeah, got it!
 
 
I'll wait for the signal.
You wired up?
 
 
Yeah. Right.
 
 
Now, when you hear me say,
"I love it", you guys move in.
 
 
- Check.
- Ready, Frank?
 
 
The water's over there, Frank.
 
 
Hexagon Oil Commercial, number one.
 
 
Piloting today's oil tankers
is a big responsibility.
 
 
And that's why, here at
Hexagon's Captain Training School,
 
 
future captains go through
a rigorous instruction rogramme.
 
 
By a complicated process,
we weed out those less qualified
 
 
for the day-to-day operation
of a half-million tonne supertanker.
 
 
Only the best will take command
of a floating ecological time bomb.
 
 
Commercial two.
 
 
Ah, just the way I like it.
 
 
Hey, someday in the future, the sun
may provide all our energy needs.
 
 
But right now it gives
us a comfortable feeling,
 
 
to know our home is supplied
by nuclear power.
 
 
I know what you're thinking,
but we know nuclear energy is safe.
 
 
We kinda think of it as
our friendly neighbour.
 
 
But our friend can't exist
without huge subsidies.
 
 
So write your congressman, tell him
to keep those dollars rolling into...
 
 
nuclear power.
 
 
I've got to find another way in, Ed.
 
 
They got killer guard dogs here,
do you read me?
 
 
Loud and clear.
 
 
- Nordberg? How we doing?
- We're at our destination.
 
 
I'm gonna try the roof.
 
 
I'm gonna try it again.
 
 
- Cut the power.
- Right.
 
 
Help!
 
 
Come in?
 
 
Frank, hold on. We have a problem.
 
 
Well...
 
 
it's Lieutenant Drebin.
 
 
You were supposed to have been
killed last night.
 
 
Now I think I'm gonna
enjoy doing it myself.
 
 
It'll be slow and painful.
 
 
What's that smell?
 
 
That would be me.
I've been swimming in raw sewage.
 
 
I love it.
 
 
I love it!
 
 
That's the signal. Let's go!
 
 
It's stuck. Gimme a hand.
 
 
Ed, help me!
 
 
Search him.
 
 
I love it.
 
 
He's wired.
 
 
Tie him up.
 
 
You'll never get away with this,
Hapsburg.
 
 
Whatever it is.
 
 
All right, I'll show you.
Let me introduce you to some people.
 
 
Of course, you know Dr Meinheimer.
 
 
And Earl Hacker.
 
 
Why you son of a...
 
 
And I'd like you to meet the Redmans.
 
 
Weekend guests from out of town.
 
 
We're going to the dinner. Make sure
nothing happens to him till I return.
 
 
Then I want the pleasure
of killing you myself.
 
 
The pleasure is all mine.
 
 
See you after the speech, Lieutenant.
 
 
Police!
 
 
Freeze!
 
 
Over there!
 
 
Good Lord!
 
 
Look at what they did
to Dr Meinheimer.
 
 
You OK, Doctor Meinheimer?
 
 
That's OK. Don't try to talk.
 
 
I just can't take this any more.
 
 
Garbage like you
just makes me sick!
 
 
Ed?
 
 
I'm just John Q Public now.
It's just you and me.
 
 
Mano a mano. I'll teach you
to pick on an invalid.
 
 
All right! He's had enough.
 
 
Help the Captain.
Let's get to that dinner.
 
 
Mr Sununu?
 
 
There'll be no surprises
in the address.
 
 
Most likely he'll recommend
the President continue our policy
 
 
of oil dependency and more dollars
for subsidising nuclear power.
 
 
More later. Also, an update on the
escaped zoo animals terrorising...
 
 
This is the most important evening
in my career. No mistakes!
 
 
And if you see Drebin or his squad,
arrest them on sight!
 
 
I told Jane to meet us
at the hotel's rear entrance.
 
 
Where's that?
 
 
In the back. She's gonna unlock
the doors at . sharp.
 
 
And Hapsburg?
 
 
I just hope she can steer
clear of him. Let's go.
 
 
Why, Jane!
 
 
What are you doing out here?
The party's inside.
 
 
Oh, Quentin!
 
 
I was just getting a breath
of fresh air.
 
 
I grew up on Lake Erie.
There's nothing quite like it.
 
 
I'm sure.
 
 
But how fortunate to find you.
You can join me at my table.
 
 
- Something must have happened.
- Hey, Bernardo! The keys?
 
 
I have a better idea. Follow me.
 
 
Your attention, please.
Ladies and gentlemen...
 
 
A thousand points of...light! Light.
 
 
Recession - bad. Recovery - good.
Think I got that.
 
 
Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of the United States.
 
 
I think we'd better make our move.
 
 
You're right. Something more up
tempo, like "Guantanamera".
 
 
No!
 
 
Hacker and the speech!
 
 
Right! I'll intercept Hacker.
Get the doc ready for HIS speech.
 
 
Bravo!
 
 
Encore! Encore!
 
 
- Dr Meinheimer!
- Yes?
 
 
Or should I say...
 
 
Hacker?
 
 
Drebin! Agh!
 
 
Look what he's doing to that invalid!
Can't someone help?
 
 
Yeah!
 
 
Let's get him!
 
 
We'd better get this man first aid.
 
 
Thank you. I'm pleased and honoured
to be here at this historic event.
 
 
Tonight, Dr Albert Meinheimer,
as he looks up to the future,
 
 
has realised how our dependence on
foreign oil is strangling the budget.
 
 
Cuts have to be made, and some
people are gonna be hit hard.
 
 
But we'll cut till we have an impact.
 
 
It's the only way to move forward.
 
 
I present to you,
Dr Albert S Meinheimer.
 
 
My God!
 
 
He can walk!
 
 
A miracle!
 
 
I can walk!
 
 
Get off me!
 
 
Hey! Come back here!
 
 
I... Yes, everything
seems to be OK now.
 
 
Without further ado,
I present you once again
 
 
the esteemed
Dr Albert S Meinheimer.
 
 
Hold everything!
 
 
Don't listen to this man.
He's a fraud. And I can prove it.
 
 
- What are you doing?
- The real doctor has a mole here!
 
 
God!
 
 
Obviously, a forgery!
 
 
We'll see about this!
 
 
Drebin!
 
 
Hold it! Frank is right!
 
 
There is a fraud here,
but it's THIS man.
 
 
And he's just given us
this signed confession implicating...
 
 
that man!
 
 
No. No.
 
 
That man. Hapsburg.
 
 
They're gone. Let's go!
 
 
Let me go!
 
 
The roof.
 
 
Come on, Frank. Hurry! Come on!
 
 
Let go!
 
 
I intend to share with you my report
on the need for a national policy,
 
 
based on energy efficiency
and clean renewable energy sources.
 
 
Over there!
 
 
Take cover!
 
 
Cover me. I'm going in.
 
 
All right.
 
 
Where's Hapsburg?
 
 
- Where you hit?
- It's not that. You're on my groin.
 
 
Sorry.
 
 
- Where is he?
- You're too late.
 
 
Hapsburg has Plan B in...
 
 
in...
 
 
in...
 
 
Where?
 
 
Where? All right.
Who else is almost dead?
 
 
OK, now.
 
 
- Talk.
- You're too late.
 
 
- He already said that.
- Where'd he leave off?
 
 
- Er, "Hapsburg has Plan B in..."
- Oh, yeah.
 
 
Hapsburg has Plan B in...
 
 
- in...
- Where?
 
 
Where? Talk, you low-life scum.
 
 
Gee, if that's your attitude,
forget it.
 
 
I'm right here, Drebin.
 
 
Drop your gun.
 
 
I believe you were
enquiring about Plan B.
 
 
That's when we detonate
a small nuclear device.
 
 
Dr Meinheimer can talk all he wants,
no one will be alive to hear him.
 
 
Detonation sequence activated.
 
 
I'm the only one
who knows the abort code.
 
 
In ten minutes,
this building and everyone in it
 
 
will be reduced to rubble.
 
 
I'll be safely on my helicopter.
 
 
Tomorrow, I'll be in Botswana.
What do you think of that?
 
 
You seem to be in touch
with your anger.
 
 
You can't talk
your way out of this one.
 
 
Go ahead. Threaten me like you have
the American people for so long.
 
 
You're part of a dying breed! Like
people who can name all states.
 
 
The truth hurts. Maybe not as much
as jumping on a bike with no seat,
 
 
but it hurts.
 
 
That's as far as you go.
Any final requests, Lieutenant?
 
 
Can I have the gun?
 
 
Oh, no. I'm not gonna fall
for that one.
 
 
Not so fast!
 
 
Six minutes to detonation.
 
 
Now talk. Give me that abort code!
 
 
OK. I'll talk. There are six numbers.
 
 
Two-one-seven...
 
 
Thanks a lot(!)
 
 
- You sure you're all right?
- I'm fine.
 
 
- And you?
- I'm fine.
 
 
But unless we disarm this
in five minutes, we blow.
 
 
- My God! We've gotta warn everyone!
- Yeah, right.
 
 
- You'd better go.
- No, I'm staying here with you.
 
 
But, Jane...
 
 
Frank, if you're blown to bits,
I wanna be here with you.
 
 
Jane, I promise you,
 
 
if we come out alive, I'll never let
work interfere with our love again.
 
 
The bomb! OK, Nordberg, let's go!
 
 
Four minutes to detonation.
 
 
What are we gonna do?
 
 
Operator's manual.
See what you can find.
 
 
Here! To reset code,
press pound sign.
 
 
The speed of this sequence
has been greatly increased.
 
 
Detonation now in two minutes.
 
 
..so instead of spending
 . billion dollars
 
 
on research
into nuclear waste disposal,
 
 
the federal government,
for only million dollars,
 
 
could increase solar panels by %.
 
 
As Albert Einstein once said...
 
 
Hey, wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
 
 
For God's sake, quick!
This place is gonna blow!
 
 
I'll get the lights!
 
 
..an effective national energy plan.
 
 
Now to elaborate...
 
 
Here, read this. It's an emergency!
 
 
"His strong manly hands
probed every crevice
 
 
"of her silken femininity,
 
 
"their undulating bodies writhing,
 
 
"in sensual rhythm, as he thrust
his purple-headed warrior
 
 
"into her quivering mound
of love pudding..."
 
 
OK. Listen up! I want you
to calmly file towards the exits.
 
 
That's it. That's it.
Nobody run, just walk, single-file.
 
 
If we stay calm, no one will be hurt
 
 
by the huge bomb
that's gonna explode any minute.
 
 
It's a cook book! It's a cook book!
 
 
Twenty seconds to detonation.
 
 
What shall we do?
 
 
- It's got my sleeve!
- No!
 
 
Ten... Nine...
 
 
Eight... Seven...
 
 
Six...
 
 
Five... Four...
 
 
Three... Two...
 
 
- Let's go!
- One...
 
 
Frank! Look!
 
 
You did it!
 
 
Thank you, Mr President,
for those kind words.
 
 
It's all part of the job.
 
 
Frank, please consider
filling a post I'm creating.
 
 
It may mean long hours
and dangerous nights,
 
 
surrounded by some of the scummiest
elements in our society.
 
 
You want me to be in your cabinet?
 
 
No.
 
 
I want you to head up a new
federal bureau of Police Squad.
 
 
What a great honour!
 
 
It's what you've always wanted!
Congratulations.
 
 
Nice going, Frank!
 
 
Thank you, Mr President.
 
 
I'm very honoured.
 
 
This is something I've dreamed of.
 
 
But I'm afraid I'm going to have to
turn down your offer, Mr President.
 
 
You see, I've learnt
something this week.
 
 
About the Earth. And about love.
 
 
I guess love's like the ozone layer.
You never miss it till it's gone.
 
 
Blowing away a fleeing suspect with
my . Magnum was everything to me.
 
 
I enjoyed it. Well, who wouldn't?
 
 
But now I want to be
the environmental policeman.
 
 
I want a world where Frank Jr,
and all Frank Jrs,
 
 
can sit under a shady tree,
 
 
breathe the air, swim in the ocean,
 
 
and go into a -Eleven
without an interpreter.
 
 
I want a world where I can eat
a sea otter without getting sick.
 
 
Where the Democrats put somebody
forward worth voting for.
 
 
I may not get there with ya!
 
 
But I want a world where I can wake
up with this woman, whom I love.
 
 
- Frank!
- Jane?
 
 
- Frank! Frank!
- Jane, will you marry me?
 
 
Yes, of course I'll marry you!
 
 
We love Frank!
 
 
Frank, turn around!
 
 
Oh, George! Help!
 
 
Let's see if I've got this.
 
 
Energy efficiency - good.
 
 
Drilling in an Arctic national
wildlife refuge - bad.
 
 
Mr President? You OK?
 
 
Yeah, fine, thanks.
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