Deuces Are Wild

Deuces Are Wild is the ninth episode of the first season of Patrick in Kelp City and the 9th episode overall. It was written by , and directed by , and aired on May 20th, 2020 on Canary TV.
==Transcript==
[Episode opens with SpongeBob and Patrick in a long line for a movie theater at nighttime.]
SpongeBob: Gee Patrick, theaters are so much more fancier in Kelp City. 
Patrick: Yeah! And they're fancier too!
SpongeBob: That's what I said.
Patrick: What time is it?
SpongeBob: (checking his watch) 11:40PM. Good thing we got here early.
[The camera pans across the long long of moviegoers.] 
SpongeBob: Patrick, aren't you just SO HYPED for the premiere of Wonder Whale 1999?
Patrick: Yeah!
[An employee shows up at the ticket booth. Almost everyone in line cheers.]
Patrick: Oh, SpongeBob! They're letting us in now!
[They slowly make their way to the front of the queue.]
Employee: How many tickets?
SpongeBob: No need, good employee. I've already pre-bought mine on my… (he holds out an expensive-looking phone) smartphone!
Patrick: (gasps) Is that…
SpongeBob: (smug) Yep. A patented piPhone. With three cameras and everything.
Employee: I don't care.
SpongeBob: I'll just get the tickets up. (he presses the "on" button) Um, just gotta wait for it to turn on.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Yep, here we go! It's on now. (he loads up the website and nervously giggles) Uh, how do I do this again?
Employee: (uninterested) Did you book them through the website?
SpongeBob: Yep.
Employee: So if you just go into your accoun-
SpongeBob: Oh, here it is! Um, I don't see anything.
Employee: Let me see. (he grabs the phone off SpongeBob) Yeah, it doesn't look like you have any tickets here.
SpongeBob: (facepalms, laughs) Oh, silly me! I must have booked the tickets for the Bikini Bottom cinema! (laughs) A bit homesick, I guess. Whoopsy.
[The people waiting in the line become annoyed.]
Customer 1: Oh, come on!
Customer 2: I've been waiting in line for three hours! Three hours!
[Bubble transition to the lobby. Carl enters through the fire exit.]
Carl: (laughing) Twenty-five dollars admission? What are those ticket-attendees on?
Guard 1: Hey! That guy snuck in!
Carl: (nervously laughing) What? No! Why would I-
Guard 2: Get him!
[Two guards run over to him and start hitting him with a bat.]
Carl: Ow! What was that for? 
[The guards carry him out as we pan over to SpongeBob and Patrick finally entering.]
SpongeBob: Phew, that took longer than I thought. Modern technology and sponges do not mix apparently.
Patrick: Yeah, and I think the people in line were getting angry at us.
SpongeBob: Oh Patrick, you are so naive. They're not angry, they're just excited! Let's get some snacks. 
Patrick: I want some popcorn!
SpongeBob: Okay, Pat. I'll be over by the pick 'n' mix.
[The two go separate ways. We follow Patrick to the popcorn station.]
Patrick: Yeah, I need some popcorn.
Cashier: Would you like them sweet, or salty?
Patrick: What's the difference?
Cashier: Well, sweet popcorn is, well, sweet and salty popcorn is, well, salty. Oh, and we also have toffee popcorn, and chocolate popcorn, and gummy popcorn and-
Patrick: (overwhelmed) Oh there's just so much choice! I'll, uh… I'll just have a bit of everything!
Cashier: Sure.
[The cashier turns around, and Patrick climbs over the counter.]
Patrick: I'll, uh, get it myself.
Cashier: Sir, you don't need to-
[Cut to SpongeBob filling up a bag of pick 'n' mix.]
SpongeBob: And some of these, and some of these, and some of-
[A flood of popcorn fills up the lobby.]
SpongeBob: (muffled) Huh, popcorn's not usually in a pick 'n' mix.
[Bubble transition to the lobby suddenly being clean again. Carl re-enters, this time through the normal entrance wearing an oversized coat.]
Carl: (sighs) That admission fee is really gonna hurt my debt. At least I don't have to pay for food. (whispering) I've brought my own. (laughs)
SpongeBob: Oh, hey Carl! What are you doing here?
Patrick: (gasps) It's the almighty landlord!
Carl: I'm here to go cycling. What does it look like? I'm here to watch the new Wonder Whale!
Patrick: Nice coat. What you got under there?
Carl: (nervous) Uh, nothing! Nothing at all! Heh-heh…
Guard 1: Hey! He's back!
Carl: NO! I'VE PAID THIS TI-
[The guards rush over to him and start hitting him again.]
Carl: OW! 
[One of the guards takes Carl's coat off and empties it. Two bags of chocolate fall out. One of the guards picks one up and starts eating.]
Guard 2: Mm, I love my job.
Carl: (crying) I only wanna watch Wonder Whale...
[They carry Carl out.]
Carl: (screaming) I WENT TO KINDERGARTEN!
Patrick: wait wut
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob Patrick in the room of the screening watching the trailers. Patrick walks in and sits down.]
SpongeBob: What took you so long?
Patrick: If anyone needs to use the bathroom I'd strongly advise against it.
[Patrick starts eating his popcorn.]
SpongeBob: Patrick! You can't eat your popcorn now! The film hasn't even started yet!
Patrick: Shouldn't we be keeping our voices down?
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, not until the film starts. No one cares about the trailers.
Customer 1: (on screen) Boy, isn't Teddy Tadpole's Pizza great?
Customer 2: (on screen) Yeah!
Customer 1: (on screen) And right now all pizzas are 50% percent off!
Customer 2: (on screen) Wow!
Patrick: This trailer's good.
[On screen, Wonder Whale suddenly bursts in the restaurant.]
Wonder Whale: (on screen) Stop right there!
Patrick: Wait, this is how the film starts?
Customer 2: (on screen) WONDER WHALE?!
Wonder Whale: (on screen) You're both under arrest for product placement.
SpongeBob: Good movie.
[Time jump. Patrick's phone rings.]
Patrick: I'm gonna have to answer this.
SpongeBob: (whispering) Patrick! You're not supposed to have your phone on!
Patrick: Eh, I don't give a- (he answers the phone) Hello? Oh, hi Buddy.
Buddy: (on phone) blablablablablablablabla
Patrick: Well, I'm kinda busy right now. Watching a movie and stuff.
Buddy: (on phone) blablablablablablablabla
Patrick: I can't! I'm at the cinema!
[Several people in the row behind the two get annoyed.]
Fish: Hey! Can you keep it down?!
Patrick: Sorry, mate. I've got to go, people are getting really excited at the film.
Buddy: (on phone) blablablablablablablabla
Patrick: Yeah, whatever. (he hangs up) What's his problem? Can't he see I'm trying to watch this film!
SpongeBob: (whispering) Patrick! Be quiet!
[Another time jump. Patrick is rummaging through his popcorn. He finds a piece he doesn't like.]
Patrick: Ech, this piece of popcorn looks gross.
[He flings it behind him and it lands on someone's head.]
Fish: (annoyed) HEY!
Patrick: (yelling) COULD YOU KEEP IT DOWN, SOME PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO WATCH THE MOVIE?!
[The same guards from earlier approach the guy.]
Guard 1: Sir, ma'am, whatever you are. We've heard you're causing a disturbance and would like to ask you to leave immediately.
Fish: What the- I haven't done anything wro-
[The guards carry him out.]
Patrick: Finally, we can get some peace in here.
[Cut to Carl walking away from the theater.]
Carl: Ugh, this is exactly why I don't like cinemas.
[He notices a woman selling pirated films down an alleyway.]
Carl: Hey! If I can't watch the film at the theater, I'll just watch it at home!
[Carl approaches the woman.]
Carl: Uh, you wouldn't happen to have the new Wonder Whale, would you?
Woman: I do actually. Would you like the Spanish version or the English version?
Carl: Solo tendré la copia en inglés.
Woman: Uh…
Carl: That means I'll have the English copy, according to Google Translate anyway.
Woman: Great!
[A police car pulls up behind Carl.]
Woman: Oh no.
Carl: What is it? (He slowly turns around) OH FOR CRYING OUT LO-
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick visiting Carl in jail.]
Patrick: Hey, Chris.
Carl: (annoyed) My name's Carl.
SpongeBob: We heard you got arrested and came to visit.
Carl: (still annoyed) Well, I mean I guess that's nice of you both. How was the film?
SpongeBob: It was great! And the part where Wonder Whale turned out to be Miss Appear's long lost half-cousin? I never saw that coming!
Patrick: I did. I read the whole plot on Tikipedia before we went in, (to audience) other encyclopedias are available.
Carl: (sulking) Oh! Why'd you have to go and spoil it for me! Just go away and leave me alone in our misery!
Patrick: ...so, uh, you don't want us to bail you out?
[Carl looks annoyed at himself as the episode fades to black.]
==Trivia==
* Running Gag: Law enforcement beating up Carl Carl.
* "Wait Wut" references the spin-off created by PolarTem, the writer of this episode.
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