Persona 4 Abridged Episode 7 Script

The following is the script for the seventh episode of Persona 4 Abridged, unedited from its original form. Some content may have been changed.
== Script ==
Igor: Margaret? What happened last night?
Margaret: you went to the store.
Igor:
Did I make it?
Margaret:
I found you out cold next to the car door.
Igor:
Did I… did I at least get the goods?
Margaret:
No. You were lying there for five hours.
Igor:
Awwww MAAAAN!
Kanji:
EVERY DAY’S GREAT AT YOUR JUNES!
Shadow
Kanij: One two there Hyuh!
Baby!
Sassy! Studly! Whoa! Check my pecks! Huh hyuh ha!
Man I’m pretty! 
Do the monkey with me! Come on!
Hey there baby!
Yeah whatever.
(Johnny Bravo theme)
(Cuts
to Yu watching silently)
Nanako:
Big bro! Can you turn that down?
(Yu’s
phone rings)
Yosuke:
Sorry I didn’t make it in time to watch the midnight channel. Can you tell me
what happened?
Yu:
No. I can show you.
(Zooms
in on VCR)
Chie:
Your son’s missing.
Kanji’s
mom: Nooo! I hadn’t noticed!
Yukiko:
Can you tell us anything about him?
Kanji’s
mom: You already know too much.
Yu:
Hey. Kid. Can I ask you something?
Kid:
Don’t hurt me please!
Yu:
Don’t worry. I just want to ask you about Kanji Tatsumi. And take your lunch
money.
Kid:
Well it all started when…
Kanji:
My love for you is like a truck.
Kid:
Then he just kept saying Berserker until I walked away.
Yosuke:
What an inspiration…
Yu:
Now pay up.
Adachi:
(Eating sound) Huh. Y'know, as a cop I should help. But these groceries won't
move themselves.
(Cut
to Junes)
Yosuke:
Whoa, we do know too much.
Naoto:
Hmmm…
Yosuke:
What are you doing here?
Yukiko:
(under her breath) It’s a fucking mall.
Naoto:
I was investigating this… wall here. Not talking yet, but I bet I can crack
him.
Yosuke:
So what can you tell us about Kanji?
Naoto:
Well... He's got some issues.
Yu:
We kinda figured that out on our own.
Naoto:
Then we're on the same page. That's where this wall comes in (whispers) I know
you're hiding something. 
Yosuke:
Well thanks for the help.....
Naoto:
Naoto.
Yosuke:
Hat-man! We’ve got a show to catch!
(TV
World)
Yosuke:
What did you do with Kanji!?
Teddie:
Don’t kill me please I don’t know anything!
Yosuke:
Your answer will deiced you fate.
Yu:
Here, smell this. It's Kanji's.
Teddie:
sniff sniff sniff sniff
Teddie:
Gross.
Yu:
Find anything?
CLOSE
UP OF HIS FACE
Teddie:
Uh no? Of course not.
Yukiko:
Aren't bears supposed to have a strong sense of smell?
Teddie:
Ever made a bear track someone before?
Yosuke:
Once. And it LET ME DOWN.
THEY WALK AWAY
Yosuke:
That’s right. Lookin’ at you.
Yu:
...His shadow was in a bath towel. Let's try there.
Teddie:
What’s that say? I can’t read but I got a good feeling about this place.
Yu:
“Beefcake bathhouse. No girls.”
Yukiko:
Are you sure this is where he is?
Teddie:
If he’s not, someone one is.
Chie:
“bath…house… no… girls…” (she’s reading it to herself) There’s beef in there? I
NEED IT!
Yosuke:
What did I do!?
Yosuke:
It’s too hot! We should split up and search for the exit.
Chie: Are you insane? This is a ONCE
in a life time opportunity!
Yosuke:
To save a life?
Chie:
Yeah sure whatever.
(Shadow
Kanji stretching)
Shadow
Kanji: Whoa hey little momma! Didn't you read the sign?
Chie:
Yeah, and I want that beefcake!
Shadow
Kanji: You naaaasty eskapé la femme 
Chie:
Call me what you will, (under her breath) but I will have that beefcake if it's
the last thing I do.
Yukiko:
Uhhh Chie?
(Fire
sound)
Yosuke:
AH! I told you it was hot! But you didn’t listen! NOW I’m on fire! Thanks a
lot!
Chie:
We have to find Kanji before he gets away!
Yukiko:
Dude Yosuke’s on fire.
Chie:
It’s a risk we have to take.
Kanji:
(Deep breath) Ahhh! Ahhhh! (Calling sounds)
Shadow
Kanji: So…
Kanji:
Hah?
Shadow
Kanji: We finally meet! Face to- one second… Face.
Kanji:
(Gasp!) I knew this day would come. My mom always said I’d face my half-naked
self in a sauna, or maybe that was you just now. 
Shadow
Kanji: I haven’t said anything ye--
Kanji:
BUT I’VE BEEN PREPARING FOR THIS FOR YEARS!
(Seconds
of silence)
Yu: So are we just gonna stand here, or…
Yosuke:
I’m not knocking.
Chie:
Well I’m going in there! Who’s with me!?
(pause)
Teddie:
I’m with you. (Quietly)
(Door
opens)
Yu/Yukiko/Yosuke/Teddie:
Gasp.
Chie:
Alright where are you hiding the beefcake?
Kanji:
WOAH! Knock next time.
(Shadow
Kanji breaks free)
Shadow
Kanji: Looks like you’re all in a… sticky situation!
(pause)
Yukiko:
I don’t get it.
(Water
stuff)
Chie:
woahaha ugh!
Yukiko:
Ahh!
(Falls
down)
Yu:
Watch your step.
Chie:
Wow thanks, asshole.
Shadow
Kanji: That girl ain’t gettin’ none of that beefcake, am I right or am I right?
Kanji:
Beefcake is right cuz you ugly as a cow. Haaaa shots fired.
Shadow
Kanji: You realize I’m literally you, right?
Kanji:
You’re me? Well! If you’re me, then answer me this! Square dancing champion!
2005! Go!
Shadow
Kanji: Uhh…
Kanji:
See you can’t do it!
Shadow
Kanji: Well uhh.
(Turns
to shadow)
Shadow
Kanji: How about now?
Kanji:
Beaten at my own game BUT THAT’S JUST ONE OUT OF THREE! On to question number
2! Who are those guys?
Shadow:
I dunno.
Yu:
Should we fight them?
Yosuke:
I think Kanji’s doing good so far…. ugh fine.
Yukiko/Chie/Yosuke/Yu:
Persona!
(Thing 1/Thing 2 grab Yosuke and Yu's
personas. Yosuke and Yu fall over.)
Shadow
Kanji: Oh I guess they're helping that's cool.
Shadow
Kanji: As for you…
Shadow
Kanji: How about this beefcake gives you a beefkick?
Yu:
No, I'll protect you I guess! (in like a really apathetic tone)
Yu:
Wow that was a bad idea! Ow. (as he falls over and is being shocked)
Kanji:
Hey, is that my keychain?
Yu:
(internally) Man, we’re sitting ducks like this...
Igor:
Did someone say sitting, 'cause I know sitting!
Margaret:
Sounds about right.
Yu:
I--
Igor:
Yes, you. You have the power to fuse personas!
Margaret:
That's right. Igor usually says you have to visit the Velvet Room to do that,
but that's just because he's lonely.
Igor:
Narukami, don't you listen to her! ...Please? Hey! Hello? Aaaand he's ignoring
me.
Yosuke:
Wait so Yu basically has like 50 personas? What the crap?
Shadow
Kanji: Great those were my only friends kind of. Now I'm gonna-- be frozen
solid okay whatever.
Yu:
And now you know why you're stuck with Jiraya.
Yosuke:
Maaaan! (in the background)
Kanji:
Hey. Hey!
Yu:
Oh. What?
Kanji:
I made that keychain myself.
Yu:
Yes. And I stole it. You see it was all part of my eighteen step plan to defeat
your shadow self. Now all we need to do is where are you going?
Yosuke:
Told you he had it covered. But noooo one listens to Yosuke. Not eeeven when
he’s on fire.
Chie:
Where’s the beef?
Shadow
Kanji: QUESTION THREE!
Kanji:
Huh?
Shadow
Kanji: SURPRISE ATTACK!
Kanji:
That wasn’t a question.
Shadow
Kanji: Shit! You’re right. Forgive meeeeeeee
Kanji:
Yeah okay sure but uhhh question four? Why are you a robot?
Yukiko:
If you guys don't mind, I'm gonna go forget all of this now.
Chie:
Me too. If a sign says beefcake, I expect some god damn beefcake!
Yosuke:
Man, Kanji. This keychain's a little gay.
Kanji:
Why do you think I made it?
Yosuke:
(under his breath) Why did y… Ohhh!!!!!
Yu:
So are you gonna help us find the murderer?
Kanji:
Murderer? Dude, I bombed midterms so hard. I’ve gotta study!
Yukiko:
He’s got a good point.
Yu:
Oh I’m sorry. Did you guys WANNA stay inside the TV world?
Kanji:
Eh, seen one sauna, you’ve seen ‘em all.
Chie:
Guys, I googled “beefcake” and I feel reeeeaaaally embarrassed.
Yu:
So then Kanji was like "Okay you talked me into it." I bet we can
solve this murder case faster than you guys can.
Dojima:
Huh? You say something?
Yu:
Yeah. Have been for the past 30 minutes.
Dojima:
Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about how my own family could forget my
birthday.
Nanako:
HAPPY BIRTHDAAAAAAAY....
Dojima:
Nice try it was a month ago.
Category:Persona 4 Abridged
Category:P4A Scripts