The Most Important Election In All of History

The Most Important Election In All of History is the second episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom High. It premiered on April 17, 2021.
==Plot==
Mr. Apple announces that the school will be holding an election for student body president, with Mr. Pineapple. Mr. Bass, and Mr. Pepperchicken quickly jumping at the chance to gain power.
==Transcript==
[The episode begins in Mr. R'Onion's Environmental Science class. Mr. Pineapple enters the room, slamming the door shut.] 
Mr. Pineapple: I can't believe that damn fool Mr. Renaud beat me in the Senate race! 
Mr. R'Onion: Nevermind that! I can't believe he beat me! I am the far more professional teacher at this establishment. Not to mention I handily beat him in the 2021 Bikini Bottom High School Civil War! 
[Suddenly the door slams open, revealing Mr. Renaud.]
Mr. Renaud: You did NOT win that war! 
[Cut to Mr. Renaud's Video Productions class, where Squidina can be seen tied up with Pearl attempting to untie her.] 
Pearl: Quick, quick, let's escape, before he comes back! 
[Cut back to Mr. R'Onion's Environmental Science class.] 
Mr. R'Onion: DID TOO! 
Mr. Renaud: DID NOT! 
Mr. R'Onion: DID TOO! 
Mr. Renaud: DID NOT! 
[Suddenly the bell rings.] 
Mr. R'Onion: Look at that! Thanks to your INCREDIBLY unprofessional behavior, we've wasted the whole period arguing! We didn't even get to read the daily news! 
Mr. Renaud: Well, maybe you should have just admitted that I'm the winner! 
[Mr. R'Onion groans, taking out his phone and calling the police.] 
Mr. R'Onion: Hello? This is Jim R'Onion. Yes, I've got notorious child sex offender Paul Renaud right here in my classroom. 
[Suddenly a police car busts through the wall, two police officers jumping out. They then promptly handcuff Mr. Renaud and throw him in the car.] 
Mr. R'Onion: Aha, who's the winner now, Paul?! Huh, I guess these dumb phones can come in handy at times. 
[Cut to Mrs. Puff's classroom.]
Mrs. Puff: I hate to say it, children, but unfortunately we have a school assembly this period. Such a shame that we have to waste our time on such spectacles instead of learning. 
Mr. Sullivan: Two periods in a row without doing work? All right! 
Mr. Bass: Don't settle for crumbs, Dan. School is a form of slavery in which we are made to perform forced labor against our will 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Giving the enslaved a short break doesn't make the slavemaster kind. 
Mr. Sullivan: I thought libertarians were pro-slavery. 
Mr. Bass: Only when it's private slavery! But this is a public school, and so it is slavery by the government.
Mrs. Puff: Now, now, enough chit-chat, boys. It's time to head to the assembly. 
[Cut to the cafeteria, where Mr. Apple is speaking on a stage]
Mr. Apple: You may be wondering why I've brought you here today. 
Mr. Pineapple: Not really. 
Mr. Apple: Well kids, today I am officially announcing that we shall be holding an election for student body president. I believe holding such an election is just the way to teach people to be productive at a young age! So, who wants to run?
Mr. Pineapple: [raises hand] ME! ME! I WANT TO! 
[Cut to Bikini Bottom Jail, where Mr. Renaud is sitting in a cell.]
Mr. Renaud: No biggie, I'll just get my buddy Do- Oh wait. 
[Mr. Banana and Mr. Biden walk over to the cell.]
Mr. Banana: This is perfect! Now with Mr. Renaud in jail, they'll have to hold a new Senate election in California! And as Mr. SquarePants was the runner-up in the last election, he's sure to win this one! OH YES, THE ESTABLISHMENT IS SAVED! 
Mr. Renaud: Oh come on! How about this? I'll resign if you pardon me! 
Mr. Biden: Hold on, Jack, I've got an even better idea! How about if I pardon you, you let me film a CPTV special with Travis Pineapple?
Mr. Renaud: DEAL! 
Mr. Banana: NO WAI-
Mr. Biden: GREAT! I officially declare you, Paul Renaud, pardoned! Kamala, come let him out! 
[Mrs. Harris walks toward the cell begrudgingly, holding a key and with tears in her eyes.]
Mrs. Harris: Why do you keep doing this to me, Joe? You keep making me release all these inmates.
Mr. Biden: Only the most deserving ones! I mean, I have no problem with millions of migrants being locked up!
[She unlocks the cell door, letting Mr. Renaud out.]
Mr. Renaud: OH YEAH BABY! I'M FREE! 
Mr. Banana: YOU DAFT PIGEON! This was our chance! We could've gotten an establishment tool in the Senate! 
Mr. Biden: Having an establishment tool in the Senate doesn't get me Mrs. Pineapple's oddly dick-shaped pussy. NOW LET'S GO! 
[Cut back to the cafeteria]
Mr. Apple: It's great to see such enthusiasm coming from you, Mr. Pineapple! 
Mr. R'Onion: If only he could be as enthusiastic about his work! 
[Mr. Apple walks down from the stage and puts a clipboard down on a table.]
Mr. Apple: Mr. Pineapple and anyone else who wants to run, sign up on this sheet! 
[Mr. Pineapple, Mr. Bass, Mr. G, and Mr. Pepperchicken all approach the clipboard on the table and start writing their names.]
Mr. Bass: I will single handedly save this school!
Mr. Apple: Now, now, Mr. Bass, save that talk for the debate.
Mr. Pineapple: Fuck the debate! I’m gonna begin campaigning immediately! I need to secure all the endorsements I can! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I don’t need to do any campaigning! I’ll just rig it! 
Mr. Apple: We will also be bringing in international election observers, to ensure the legitimacy of the results. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: WHAT?! But it’s a *student body* election! 
Mr. Apple: Exactly! An election of as high importance as this one requires only the highest quality of monitoring! These good folks were originally scheduled to monitor some meaningless election in a foreign country, but I bribed them to monitor this one instead! 
[cut to the Barnacle Bay election center] 
Mr. G: Where are the election observers? They were supposed to be here an hour. 
Mr. Obama: Don’t worry! Me and Mr. Apple got them to monitor the Bikini Bottom High student body president election instead. 
Mr. G: Really? So that means we can shred all the socialists’ votes and install a right-wing extremist into power? 
Mr. Obama: Yep! 
Mr. G: Well, let’s get to it then! 
[cut back to Bikini Bottom High] 
Mr. Pineapple: [checking his phone] Hey, did you guys hear the good news? That radlib sell-out lost the Barnacle Bay election! 
[Cut to Mr. Renaud and Mr. Biden, who enter the school doors. Suddenly, Mr. Bass runs over to them.]
Mr. Bass: Mr. Renaud! Will you endorse me for student body president? 
Mr. Renaud: OF COURSE! As a protege of CPTV, you know just what to do with student bodies! 
Mr. Bass: YAY! I’m endorsed by the President of Bikini Bottom! 
Mr. Pineapple: FALSE! DEFAMATION! *I’m* the one endorsed by the President of Bikini Bottom! 
Mr. Biden: Damn right you are! Anything for my one true love! 
Mr. Pineapple: Actually I was talking about Mr. R’Onion. 
Mr. R’Onion: Indeed. Incredibly unprofessional of Mr. Biden to refuse to accept the results of the election. Just like Mr. Renaud refusing to accept the results of the civil war. 
Mr. Renaud: I WON THAT WAR! 
Mr. R’Onion: Incorrect. Perhaps if you spent your time studying instead of goofing off with minors, you’d know that I was the victor! And how’d you get out of jail?! 
Mr. Renaud: Mr. Biden pardoned me! 
Mr. R’Onion: Mr. Biden does not have the authority to pardon you! I am the president of Bikini Bottom! 
Mr. Renaud: Well actually I’m the president of Bikini Bottom, so I can pardon myself. 
Mr. R’Onion: Actually, whether the president has the authority to pardon themself is a highly contested matter of legal debate. 
Mr. Biden: Who cares about the law anyway? Everyone knows that doesn’t apply to presidents! That’s how I get away with illegally selling all those weapons to Israel! Anyway, come on, Ms. Pineapple! Let’s go film that CPTV special! 
Mr. Pineapple: CPTV special?! What are you talking about?! 
Mr. Biden: I made a deal with Mr. Renaud! I pardoned him so I could film a special with you! 
Mr. Pineapple: Absolutely not! I’m not filming anything with a neoliberal pedophile like you! Only socialist pedophiles! 
Mr. Biden: But I haven’t seen your dick-shaped pussy since Valentine’s Day! 
Mr. Apple: Absolutely not. Our students need to be productive, they don’t have time to be raped! Mr. Biden, you are officially banned from the school! 
Mr. Biden: But what about Mr. Renaud?! 
Mr. Apple: He brings in revenues for the school, so he’s okay. GUARDS! 
[Two security guards escort Mr. Biden out of the school.]
Mr. Pineapple: [wipes the sweat off his forehead] Phew, that was a close one. [he then spots Mr. Sullivan and runs over to him] DAN! 
Mr. Sullivan: What?! I didn’t even say anything sexually degenerate this time! 
Mr. Pineapple: Not that! I’m campaigning! Can I count on your vote in this student body presidential election? 
Mr. Sullivan: I dunno, I’d have to check out the other candidates. 
Mr. Pineapple: OTHER CANDIDATES?! What is wrong with you?! None of those losers are even close to being qualified to serve in executive office! 
Mr. Sullivan: Executive office? Travis, it’s school body president. Why do you even care so much? 
Mr. Pineapple: Perhaps if you paid attention to your studies rather than spending all of class thinking about Pearl, you’d know how important this position is! If I’m student body president, I get control of the second nuclear button! 
Mr. Sullivan: The...second nuclear button? 
Mr. Pineapple: YEP! Don’t you remember from Mrs. Puff’s class? 
[flashback] 
Mrs. Puff: Today in civics class we will be learning about the nuclear button. Now as I’m sure all of you know, the President of the United States has a nuclear button. Historically it has been sparsely used, only being operated two times during World War II when we launched terrorist attacks on Japan. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: World War II was tragic indeed. [he takes out Nazi Germany and Soviet Union flags] Oh, how two great partners drifted apart… 
Mr. Pineapple: [grabs the Nazi Germany flag, crying into it] Yet another great socialist state toppled by Western imperialism! 
Mrs. Puff: No interrupting. As I was saying historically, the nuclear button has been sparsely used, until the presidency of Mr. Trump, in which he nuked Rock Bottom 348 times. 
Mr. Pineapple: Don’t forget about the time I used it to nuke Bikini Bottom! 
Mrs. Puff: Now, what far fewer know about however is the second nuclear button. 
Mr. Pineapple: The second nuclear button? 
Mrs. Puff: Indeed. It is kept here at our very own Bikini Bottom High School, for the use of the student body president. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: What? Why the hell does the student body president need a nuclear button? 
Mrs. Puff: To spread democracy on rival schools of course! Just imagine what would happen if we didn’t liberate Ukulele Bottom High School while they were beating us in the big game! 
[cut to present] 
Mr. Sullivan: Nope. 
Mr. Pineapple: No wonder you’re failing your classes! 
Mr. Sullivan: Why don’t you go bother Clayton about this instead? 
Mr. Pineapple: That counterrevolutionary isn’t going to vote for me! He blocked me on Instagram!
[cut to Mr. Pepperchicken, who approaches the LGBT+ Club] 
Mr. Pepperchicken: SALUTATIONS MY FELLOW STUDENTS! I come here today to ask for your vote. 
Squidina: Why would you want our vote? You’re a homophobe! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I CAN FIX YOU! With my training, I can whip you queer Bikini Bottomites into pure-blooded Russians in no time! 
Squidina: Nope. [ejects Mr. Pepperchicken from the club]
[cut to Mr. Bass] 
Mr. Bass: MATTHEW! 
Matthew: What? 
Mr. Bass: Who are you voting for? 
Matthew: Uhhh I dunno, I’m undecided. 
Mr. Bass: Vote for me, and I’ll sign an executive order unbanning all the pedophiles from the school! Mr. Fancyson, Mr. Musk, Mr. Trump, Mr. Biden, Mr. Moore, AND Mr. Star!
Matthew: I’m all in! 
Mr. Bass: YES! 
Mr. Narrator: And that concludes this episode of Bikini Bottom High. Will Mr. Bass succeed in his bid for student body president? Or will perhaps Mr. Pineapple or Mr. Pepperchicken overtake him? Keep tuning in-
Mr. Bass: Oh yeah! And you’ll be unbanned too! 
Mr. Narrator: What? But I’m not a pedophile. 
Mr. Bass: Well in that case - YOU ARE BANNED! [pushes Mr. Narrator out the school and slams the door shut, locking it] 
Mr. Narrator: Hey, wait! But you’re not even student body- Whatever. 
[The episode ends.]
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