Basil Fawlty vs Norman Bates

Main character of Fawlty Towers played by the great John Cleese, Basil Fawlty, and the iconic antagonist of Hitchcock's Psycho, Norman Bates, rap against each other to see which fictional hotel owner is better in a battle of comedy vs horror.
==Lyrics==
[Note: Manuel is in tan, Polly Sherman is in yellow and Sybil Fawlty is in orange.]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY
NORMAN BATES
VS
BASIL FAWLTY
BEGIN!
(Beat starts at 0:10)
===Norman Bates:===
Welcome to the Bates motel where the mood’s as quiet as a mouse. 
You’ll enjoy the stay as long if you don’t enter the Psycho house.
Brought fright and suspense to viewers from the pages to the big screen. 
All you brought to us were screams, but no one waits for your shower scene. 
Bates Motel’s been open five seasons, Fawlty’s a two seasons inn. 
He goes a little mad all the time. Too hot tempered for reasoning. 
Seen you checking around, but it's better to keep mother at ease 
or you may find your body shake in fear from Perkinson disease.
===Basil Fawlty:===
Ah, Bates, I take it. Thought I heard an incel looking for mummy. 
Pretty boy wants to match wits with me? Can’t make any toy boy money? 
The high class married chad against the low class hole-peeking virgin. 
Call me mother, turn your grin to a frown if you dare to urge in. 
Your first opening did fine, but no one remembered your sideshows.
Fell harder when Vince played Norman Batesman, American Psycho.
Not like life ain’t much better. Ain’t a girl if Norma don’t cut her. 
When it comes to love, a boy’s worst enemy is his own mother. 
===Norman Bates:===
You dare talk to women again, Norman!? Yes, mother and quite the bitch. 
Said bad things about you, mother. She’ll be in for a Bates-and switch.
Warned you to keep her alone. She needs lessons on how to shut it.
Ain’t none better than the master to make sure she knows to cut it.
No touch of class yet thinks he’s one percent, shitting on the masses. 
See yourself so high and mighty? Mother, Basil could use some glasses.
Ain’t nothing more than a low class hypocrite acting as bureaucrat.
Needs a psychiatrist, just don’t forget they’re not for peeking, “Chad”. 
You fail so hard to climb up the social ladder step by step. 
I’d knock you off the stairs myself, weren’t you so good at falling back.
Life’s been rather rotten while my skin’s as your humor: old and dry,
I still won’t stoop to gambling. Why, she wouldn’t bet on a Dragonfly. 
===Basil Fawlty:===
Norma, you hear me? I think you forgot to give your son his meds. 
Norma? Great, more deaf women to deal with. Like I’m talking to the dead. 
Doubt you’ve had room service in your cellar being merely bones 
since that stab your son gave you when a man wanted to give you bones. 
Stop the dead talking, ParaNorman. You can’t cover up this mess. 
The wanker’s killing, wanking to MILCs: Mothers I like to crossdress. 
Here’s what’s wrong with Oedipussies. your mind turns off to mum’s ill will. 
You’re horror’s Gump with Mother going “bloody kill Forrest, kill!” 
And More chocolates than his boxes. Marion be smuggling pastries. 
Cut straight through her chocolate cake. blood shower? Yeah, bloody tasty! 
Can you go to prison now? Hate wasting my time on Normies. 
Best thing about Shizo’s is twice the amount of money for me. 
===Norman Bates:===
No sir, Mother’s feeling just fine! You’re the one who will feel nothing!
Don’t bother, mother. the Hawk-eyed fellow ain’t even worth stuffing. 
Fine! It’s best to show the girls here why we’re the original Knives Out.
I'm doing favors, really. Better death than hearing the shit from your mouth!
(seeing women at Fawlty towers who could take Norman away from her, “Norma” slays them and takes off leaving the bodies there)
(Beat starts at 0:21)
===Basil Fawlty:===
Come back here, you bastard and take your bodies! Ugh, Manuel, come in. 
Did we win, Si? Let’s see, do these dead bodies here look like a win? 
Great, Mister Fawlty! Nitwit, Mum’s little Hitchcuck’s left with our rep! 
Now Go clean up this mess, less you want to be apart of this crap! 
===Jack Torrance:===
Hey stereotype and loudmouth, stay quiet! I’m trying to do some work. 
Didn’t come here to listen to a rat-faced bastard with zany quirks. 
===Basil Fawlty:===
No, is Hamster. Away you! And great, more guests being a pest. 
Wanna be less busy? Drink some Red rum and fall like the rest! 
===Jack Torrance:===
Want to talk busy? Writing the scripts for your show would take one line. 
“Basil fails to act nice, starts trouble, tells lies and gets mad at times.” 
Elevated the horror standards. No blood, merely cash flooding.
the face of the iconic creepy face gonna do another mugging. 
Here’s Johnny Cleese! The venomous Python does hotels, how Great... 
It’s early Hotel Hell were the angry brit brings toxic to the place. 
Wields the bad pornstar look by the hairs above his grinny grin grin. 
But no one comes to Fawlty, cept seniles who don’t know where to check in. 
Seen you smack your Spaniard over his head, you’re no Civil rights man. 
yet you slave away, always getting owned as Sybil’s right man. 
though your puny head didn’t get it even before the Moose cracked in.
Acting silly to Germans going minister of Goose stepping. 
the muppet pulls off half-assed shows. The Statler with no Waldorf.
I’d cut apart your doors, hadn’t the Builders had it walled off.
Inspiration’s a bad owner. Your whole role’s to fuck up royally. 
Go and bow down before the King. Heard you suck up to royalty. 
===Basil Fawlty:===
A king? Ah right, must be the boiling pan blown in the boiler's bang. 
Thought I’d get Nicholson flying over the Cuckoo’s nest again. 
Dropped the Kubrick on that picture. redemption? Not set in picture. 
Knock you back in the picture . twice the cold shoulders. Get the picture? 
With more wacky faces, who’s the sitcom? Suite life of Jack & Cody.
Black guy’s been given your axe, Put in charge a mental Moseby.
While twins played games with his son, dad’s going Brain-Dead like he's Tipton.
Made the place fit its name while Fawlty towers over in tips, son. 
Ill minded for you put doctors to sleep. Dull boys bring in triple z’s. 
Foreseen your acts with my shining as the star of the double-BC.
All that work and no play makes Jack’s lines feel exactly the same. 
No Shock you married one only good at saying her own name.
I’m taking over like I’m Germany. Yes, I mentioned the war. 
You can’t write one page. Writer had his bars from the ghost at the bar. 
Let’s bookend this and end your booking. Won’t swoon to fake lords again. 
failed to take either lives, it’s paying for all, family man. 
===Jack Torrance:===
Oh, so I’m being thrown out by this little blowhard of a shit stain? 
Guess I’mma huff and I’ll puff and blow out your whole little pig stain. 
The opposite of my book’s name when I leave guests lights dampening. 
See the place turn to Fawlty rubles when cops see dead lives dangling.
(Before he leaves, Jack gets his axe and kills a few of the guests. As Basil gets angry at him, Polly enters scene.)
(Beat starts at 0:16)
===Basil Fawlty:===
What a mess you made. I’m at fault they turned Fawlty to Slaughty towers? 
How dare I, Basil? You need to be punished for these blood showers! 
Don’t be a dick to them. Don’t you understand, I could get in jail! 
If Polly wants to squabble more, we’ll add a dead parrot as well! 
=== H. H. Holmes: ===
Death struck the grand Buda-pest’s hotel? Holmes loves murder mysteries. 
Mama boys, mad authors, yet the cruellest culprit’s set in History. 
With more skeletons than Norman’s Basement and more class than Jack’s got. 
I Put death on the menu list as the States first Serial mascot. 
=== Basil Fawlty: ===
America’s first serial killer? Thought it be it’s regime. 
Instead I get Oddjob‘s mad big stached cousin: Nutjob the extreme! 
But I’m no Q with gadgets, so save me your murder complexion 
and P-off while I clean this mess before any murder inspection. 
=== H. H. Holmes: ===
BBC’s full with murder shows, yet yours tell the most tragic story. 
Man kills his own pride to be high class. Mine goes a bit more gory. 
Verse or floors, when people reach my second they’ll won’t breathe I reckon. 
Cause when you enter my murder castle, you can only check-in. 
Mind of Holmes, the meds of Watson. You couldn’t match the mouse, Basil. 
Pharmacist sells it all. Add master drug lord on my crime table. 
Got flames from hell burn bright inside me as the bodies get colder. 
Took my angels down for profit. Just a mere devil on my shoulder. 
=== Basil Fawlty: ===
Your lover Satan’s with you?. To me that’s a double paycheck-in. 
I’ll tie the knot you’ll put your head in. You’ll still hang in till my cheque’s in. 
Always Henry’s to slay wives in their castle. Now added in daughters. 
You want your murder money so badly? I’ll join with verbal slaughter. 
I’m playing Mudgett golf. Hit a hole in one in the hole in your head. 
Your motive has no flavor. it’s as tasteless serial can get. 
Reason USA’s worse than Brittain. Can’t match Sherlock or the Ripper.
You’re so fishy with missing persons I’ll call you Jack the Kipper.
=== H. H. Holmes: ===
Let’s talk about wives Now. Without yours you wouldn’t be alive now. 
if she didn’t save your sorry ass it be both our places burned down. 
Not even starting with your crew. Best member’s a ‘closed’ sign at the booth. 
Low hanging fruit led by the lowest acting higher in his suit. 
Classy looks, I attract women and cash. I can’t stay single. 
You hit Rocky roads. Your Major guest’s still in talk with Bullwinkle.
Sucked to critics yet couldn’t get you stars when you have none on yelp. 
Meanwhile I’ve had no complaints. They’re null after the first screams of help. 
=== Basil Fawlty: ===
Nice going, Heckling Hack Holmes. Here Listen to my comeback roast. 
After I’m finished, your place ain’t the only thing that’s burned to toast. 
Speaking of wives, got married to wealth and still couldn’t pay taxes. 
Went on a state trip when you got caught from Illinois to Texas. 
Fled through States like monopoly, but to bankrupt to build hotels. 
All that offbrand Pennybags could get is a ticket straight to jail. 
The fight’s over, let the bell ring. Ain’t all cars that I give trashing.
knocked Triple H out the ring. Down the count like gals he gave the ring. 
=== H. H. Holmes: ===
Once I’m done you’ll see how it is to be dealing with the forces. 
See you’re out of Kipper though no worries, you’ll be stacked on corpses.
Don’t forget the date, cause I’ll remember the anniversary.
of the day I made new skeletons schools used for surgery. 
(Holmes slays a some more guests, taking a few with them to sell. Basil, worried of being blamed, tries to hide them, when Sybil enters.)
=== Basil Fawlty: ===
What’s going on here? Nothing, Sybil, just a small murder party. 
Some took it to serious. Gee, I wonder who’s at faulty?
Hey, just enjoy the silence! if only you too would shut your mouth.
You know what? Have fun with the cops, you can consider me checked out.