Murder, She Boat/Transcript

This is the transcript for Murder, She Boat.
==Transcript==
(Work in-progress)
:(The episode starts immediately.)
:Marge: [singing] I'm getting the mail, hallelujah I'm getting the mail. It's something to do. [stops singing] Hmm. What the Helen Mirren?
:Marge: Stimulus checks? We were supposed to cash these during the pandemic. Should we spend the money now or wait for the next one?
:Bart: So what are we gonna blow it on, jet ski or motorbike? Vroom, vroom, vroom!
:Lisa: [to Marge] Mom, there is something I've always wanted for this family, but it's not a thing, exactly.
:Bart: Vroom?
:Lisa: ...but rather, it's an experience. Something we can all treasure and talk about for years to come.
:Marge: Wow. Well, then maybe we should do it.
:Bart: [to Marge] Wait, that's the move? Go all sincere and emo? Gross.
:(Bart walks away from the kitchen)
:Lisa: There is one small issue. My idea will take some finessing with Dad.
:Marge: Hmm.
:Homer: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Surprise money, then a surprise cruise? Two is the perfect number of surprises.
:Lisa: It sure is, Dad. We're going on a regular cruise with absolutely nothing about it you'd hate.
:Homer: What the hell is wrong with this boat? [whimpers]
:Marge: "The Pacific Princess Leia is a cruise by and for fans of sci-fi, fantasy, comic books, anime and video games."
:Homer: But-but those are all just different names for...
----
:(The Boat Nerd)
:Homer:
:Nerds
:Exciting and new
:Play pickeball
:With Doctor Who
:The Nerd Boat
:Your Wolverine T-shirt is like a tux
:The Nerd Boat
:Where everyone knows the new Star Wars sucks
:The drinks are all virgin
:Just like all the guests on board
:Too busy geeking on movies
:From Miller and Lord
:And nerds
:Won't hurt anymore
:Ship Captain:
:That's a vow from your crew
:The Fantastic Four
:You're nerds
:Welcome aboard, you nerds.
----
:Homer: Stop this loving homage! I see what you're doing celebrating outcast culture that used to be on the fringes and I don't like it! You nerds stop playing dress-up or else I'm gonna wedgie you, and swirly you, and purple your nurples until they-- [Homer collapses]
:Bart: Hey, check out that, Avatar volleyball tournament. It's Na'vi vs. Last Airbenders.
:Marge: And I'll be on the "Harvey" deck. Look at all those Cadburys. Mmm.
:Lisa: Oh my God, is that Taika Waititi?
:[Helen giggles]
:Lisa: I love everything you do. Your Thor movies, What We Do In The Shadows. [gasps] Oh, and you're by far my favorite on-screen Hitler.
:Taika Waititi: Take that, the late Bruno Ganz. Well, if you loved that, you'll certainly be in a "f uhrer" over my newest acting role as Daerius D'Avignon, Medieval D'Tective, in the new $300 million streaming show Murder, He Sowrds.The murderer is... the black plague. Again.You know it's good because it's based on existing I.P.
:All: I.P I.P
:[Maggie sucks pacifier]
:Announcer: Please welcome the king and queen of this nerd prom: Comic and Kumiko Book Guy.
:Comic Book Guy: Out of my way, league of non-legends. Gaze upon your betters and weep. Behold, I have brought the jewel of my collectible collection. The rarest treasure in all of geekdom: A Radioactive Man action figure accidentally manufactured with Wolverine claws. Gaze upon it and lose your mind.
:[cheering and applause]
:Dr. Hibbert: Only two of those defective toys were made before they caught the mistake.
:Bernice Hibbert: This you remember, but every year, our anniversary evades you.
:Dr. Hibbert: Don't embarrass me in front of the other Blades.
:[snickering]
:Bart: Vomit Book Guy in on the boat? Ugh, cruise ruined.
:Marge: What do you have against the Comic Book Guy?
:Bart: I walked into his store two weeks ago...
:(Flashback)
:Bart: I know this is weird, but I actually drew a comic book of my own.
:Comic Book Guy: Hmm. 
:Bart: Check it out. He's half-croc, half-gator, and full prankster. 
:Comic Book Guy: Huh. Wow. You know what? I'm really impressed. I'm going to fax this right away to my friends at "Man, You Suck Publishing."
:[Bart gasping]
:Comic Book Guy: [laughs] You suck!
:[All laughing at Bart after Comic Book Guy has shredded his comic book]
:Bart: I swear to God, one day I'm going to get my revenge on Comic Book Guy.
:Homer: I hate this stupid baby dress-up cruise. And why can't I be Uncle Fester? I'm bald, and I already own several black muumuus. (waiter placing into a table) Ooh. Wait, this stuff doesn't have punny names, does it?
:Waiter: No, it's just like any other cruise, infinite food for gluttonous slobs.
:Lisa: Taika, why are you eating all by yourself?
:Taika Waititi: To maintain energy for all my writing, directing, acting, and rakish smirking. Plus, it's in my cruse rider. I also get a cabin facing the sunrise and the sunset, unlimited Vegemite, and the top tier of any seafood tower.
:Homer: Ah... (Taika Waititi takes his food) Hmm... hmm? Oh!
:Now on display, the exquisitely flawed Radioactive X-Gentleman, ka Wolveractive Man, aka Radio-verine.
:[crowd exclaims]
:Bart: Oh, look out! [grunts] Don't give that guy money. He's a dream-crushing jackass and he doesn't deserve dollar one. [to CBG] I hope one day someone destroys the thing you love most.
:(The lights have been switched off)
:Carl: Somebody turned off the lights.
:(The lights are back on, and Radioactive Man action figure is beheaded)
:[The crowd are gasping, and Helen Lovejoy gasps]
:Comic Book Guy: Speak to me, oh, headless Radioactive collectible.
:Kumiko: Oh, sweet suffering mate. Let me share in your distress. [singing in Japanese]
:Comic Book Guy: Who could have done such a thing? Who c-- [stammers]
:Hedonismbot: Oh, the agony!
:Sideshow Mel: I wager Bart Simpson did this. He had the motive, mean and he's a notorious stinker. That is a recipe for murder.
:Luann Van Houten: And look at the three tiny scratch marks on Bart's cheek.
:Cruise Officer: No one murders a doll on my ship. To the brig.
:[Bart is being dragged by the cruise officer and sent to prison]
:Homer: [singing]Ba-da-da dumBa-da-da dumBa-da-da dum [stops singing] D'oh! D'oh!
----
:Bart: I swear, I didn't kill that doll.
:Homer: Stop lying, boy. I can't believe you ruined my dream cruise.
:Bart: You hate this cruise.
:Homer: No, I hate the theme and the people and the boat. But I love the food.
:Cruise Officer: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, I know it's hard for you to see your son in this tiny cruise ship jail.
:Marge: It is.
:Cruise Officer: Well, don't you worry. Tomorrow he'll be taken ashore and locked in a full adult prison.
:Both: No!
:Cruise Officer: But with all the amenities...
:Marge: Okay.
:Cruise Officer: The Amenities are a notorious prison gang. They really hate children.
:Both: No!
:Bart: Lis, I know it looks bad, but I'm really scared. I swear I didn't do it.
:Lisa: I don't know. You've beheaded many of my dolls, from Malibu Stacy to Fire Island Frank.
:Bart: Oh, those aren't valuable. They're yours.
:Lisa: Bart, you've lied to me so many times before, how could I ever believe you?
:Bart: Okay, but this time I'm telling the truth, and to prove it, I'm gonna own up to all my past lies. [inhales sharply] That time when the dog buried your saxophone in the garden, he had some help. When Malala called you on your birthday to tell you to suck lemons, that was me. That time you woke up in a bathtub full of garlic knots--
:Lisa: I get it, I get it. You're terrible.
:Bart: Okay, I figure I only get one time to say, "Lis, you gotta believe me no matter what." Right now, I am playing that card. I did not destroy that doll.
:Lisa: Oh, my God. I believe you.
:[angry crowd clamoring]
:Lisa: Oh. The only way to clear Bart's name is to figure out who really did it. But I can't do it all by myself. I need help.
:Taika Waititi: I'll help you. No, hang on, let me try that again. I'll help you! Nailed it.
:Lisa: Taika Waititi? Seriously? You'll help me exonerate my brother?
:Taika Waititi: Of course. Why? I'll tell you. Because I have a medical condition where I have to be multitasking at all times.
:Lisa: Well, my brother can't be only person on this ship who hated Comic Book Guy. So, I guess we'll just have to question every passenger on the manifest.
:Taika Waititi: Why don't we start with fans of the Taika-verse? Whoops, that's everyone. [laughs] Let's go.
:Milhouse: I hate Comic Book Guy and I hated that doll because it originally belonged to me.
:[Lisa gasps]
:[Taika Waititi gasps]
:(Flashback)
:Comic Book Guy: Oh. Oh. Ooh. Oh, oh. Oh. Ooh! Ooh. Hi. Excuse me, but I will take this, uh, non-priceless, completely valueless garbage off of your hands for, uh, $11.
:Kirk: Huh?
:Milhouse: But, Dad, I think it might be worth a lot more.
:Kirk: Who cares, Milhouse? This is two $5 footlongs and a weird cookie. Hey, Luann, anniversary dinner is back on, baby.
:(Back to the interrogation room)
:Milhouse: I didn't destroy that action figure, but I sure had a motive. A clear motive.
:Sideshow Mel: I don't know why you're interrogating me. I have no bone to grind with that comic book chap.
:Lisa: Really? Even after Comic Book Guy led an online troll army to demand you be fired and replaced in this?
:Announcer: From the producers of Mad Max comes a vision so dark, so violent and so wacky. Sideshow Mel.
:Sideshow Mel: We'll kill them all, or my name isn't dick Dastardly.
:Announcer: And Timothée Chalamet as Muttley.
:[Wheezing laugh]
:Sideshow Mel: Curse that funny-book fiend. He mobilized both the Hanna-Barbarians and the Wack-olytes against me in a devastating online petition.
:[Lisa gaps]
:[Rumbling]
:Taika Waititi: First of all, that looks so good, I'm surprised I didn't direct it. Did I? October was crazy.
:Lisa: But Mel, would your bone-trembling anger lead you to destroy Comic Book Guy's most prized possession?
:Sideshow Mel: It would! But it didn't. But it could! And if I did, I would lie about it to you now! But I'm not. But I would!
:Kumiko: Why are you wasting your time with me? I love my greasy snowman husband and his tragic blooper of an action figure.
:Lisa: We have security footage that says differently. [plays security footage]
:Kumiko: It's true, I hated that injection-molded monstrosity. When I first met Comic Book Guy, I was his priceless collectible. But now, when we make love, my husband calls out the doll's serial number. I just want back my sweet comic book gaijin. [sobs]
:Lisa: So many passengers could have committed doll-icide. Hmm. Poor Bart. Ah, but geez, look at the mess he left in our cabin. [gaps] Oh, dear God.
:I didn't think Bart did it but then I found this radioactive head from the decapitated doll in Bart's stuff. He looked me right in the eyes and said he didn't do it. I can never trust him again. [cries]
:Marge: Oh, sweetie, you've just learned one of life's hardest lessons. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone, they're just going to let you down.
:Homer: For your mother, it's me.
:Marge: Just try to get some sleep, honey. 
:Homer: Bart will still be horribly guilty in the morning.
:[Sighs]
:[Door knocking]
:Lisa: Hmm?
:[opens the door] Rainier Wolfcastle?
:Rainier Wolfcastle: There is something I must tell you about the night of the fanquet and subsequent toy murder. When everything went dark, I was wearing my night-vision goggles, from my upcoming film The Night-Vision Goggler.
:Lisa: [gasps] Did you see who did it?
:Rainier Wolfcastle: Patience, fräulein. I did see the culprit, and I am about to tell you who he or she is. Watch as the words emerge from my mouth. The doll murderer is nein other than- Ouch. I will be passing out now and all of these things. [collapses]
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Category:Transcripts