Transcripts/The Big Bran Hypothesis

==Season 1 - Episode 02 - The Big Bran Hypothesis==
Scene 	Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are present.
Leonard 	There you go, Pad Thai, no peanuts.
Howard 	But does it have peanut oil?
Leonard 	Uh, I'm not sure, everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
Sheldon 	Since it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
Raj 	Are there any chopsticks?
Sheldon 	You don't need chopsticks, this is Thai food.
Leonard 	Here we go.
Sheldon 	Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the nineteenth century. Interestingly they don't actually put the fork in their mouth, they use it to put the food on a spoon which then goes into their mouth.
Leonard 	Ask him for a napkin, I dare you. (There is a knock on the door.) I'll get it.
Howard 	Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.
Penny 	Hey Leonard.
Leonard 	Oh, hi Penny.
Penny 	Am I interrupting?
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	(Off) You're not swelling, Howard.
Howard 	(Off) No, no, look at my fingers, they're like Vienna sausages!
Penny 	Sounds like you have company.
Leonard 	They're not going anywhere. (Closes door, staying in hallway.) So, you're coming home from work. That's great. How was work?
Penny 	Well, you know, it's the Cheesecake Factory. People order cheesecake, and I bring it to them.
Leonard 	So, you kind of act as like a carbohydrate delivery system.
Penny 	Yeah, call it whatever you want, I get minimum wage. Yeah, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something, I was....
Leonard 	Yes.
Penny 	Oh. Okay, great, I'm having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so.... (apartment door opens, Sheldon, Raj and Howard appear) Oh! Hel...hello!
Howard 	(Speaks a phrase "You are a very beautiful girl" in Russian).
Penny 	I'm sorry?
Howard 	Haven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in flawless Russian?
Penny 	No, I haven't.
Howard 	Get used to it.
Penny 	Yeah, I probably won't, but... Hey Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Hi.
Penny 	Hey Raj! (Raj looks uncomfortable) Still not talking to me, huh?
Sheldon 	Don't take it personally, it's his pathology, he can't talk to women.
Howard 	He can't talk to attractive women, or in your case a cheesecake–scented Goddess!
Leonard 	So, there's gonna be some furniture delivered?
Penny 	Yeah, yeah, if it gets here and I'm not here tomorrow could you just sign for it and have them put it in my apartment.
Leonard 	Yeah, no problem.
Penny 	Great, here's my spare key. Thank you.
Leonard 	Penny, wait.
Penny 	Yeah?
Leonard 	Um, if you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny 	A marathon? Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon 	You're kidding, right?
Penny 	Yeah, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her, which one was that?
Leonard, Sheldon and Howard	One. (Raj raises one finger).
Sheldon 	You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
Penny 	Yes, I know, men can't fly.
Sheldon 	Oh no, let's assume that they can. Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second. Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel. Miss Lane, who is now travelling at approximately 120 miles per hour, hits them, and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard 	Unless, Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon 	In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It would be a more merciful death.
Leonard 	Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon 	Are you listening to yourself, it is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength, it is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from exposure to Earth's yellow Sun.
Howard 	Yeah, and you don't have a problem with that, how does he fly at night?
Sheldon 	Uh, a combination of the moon's solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny 	I'm just going to go wash up.
Leonard 	I have 26 hundred comic books in there, I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
Sheldon 	Challenge accepted. (Tries door.) We’re locked out.
Raj 	Also, the pretty girl left.
Scene 	Ground floor hallway of the apartment building. Leonard is signing for the delivery.
Leonard 	Okay, her apartment's on the fourth floor but the elevator's broken so you're going to have to (delivery man leaves) oh, you're just going to be done, okay, cool, thanks. I guess we'll just bring it up ourselves.
Sheldon 	I hardly think so.
Leonard 	Why not?
Sheldon 	Well, we don't have a dolly, or lifting belts, or any measurable upper body strength.
Leonard 	We don't need strength, we’re physicists. We are the intellectual descendants of Archimedes. Give me a fulcrum and a lever and I can move the Earth, it's just a matter of... (starts to move package) I don't have this... I don't have this I don't have this.
Sheldon 	Archimedes would be so proud.
Leonard 	Do you have any ideas?
Sheldon 	Yes, but they all involve a green lantern and a power ring.
Leonard 	Easy, easy (package falls) Okay! Now we’ve got an inclined plane. The force required to lift is reduced by the sine of the angle of the stairs, call it thirty degrees, so about half.
Sheldon 	Exactly half.
Leonard 	(Snarkily) Exactly half. Let's push. Okay, see, it's moving, this is easy, all in the math.
Sheldon 	What's your formula for the corner.
Leonard 	What? Oh, okay, uh, okay, yeah, no problem, just come up here and help me pull and turn.
Sheldon 	Ah, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
Sheldon 	You do understand that our efforts here will in no way increase the odds of you having sexual congress with this woman?
Leonard 	Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon 	Yeah, those are men who just had sex.
Leonard 	I'm doing this to be a good neighbour. In any case, there's no way it could lower the odds.
Leonard 	Almost there, almost there, almost there. (Lets go of package, it starts to slip down)
Sheldon 	No we’re not, no we’re not, no we’re not!
Scene 	Inside Penny’s apartment. They are laying the package down on the floor.
Sheldon 	Watch your fingers. Watch your fingers. Oh God, my fingers!
Leonard 	You okay?
Sheldon 	No, it hurt... (looking around) Great Caesar's Ghost, look at this place?
Leonard 	So Penny's a little messy.
Sheldon 	A little messy? The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little messy, this is chaos. Excuse me, explain to me an organizational system where a tray of flatware on a couch is valid. I'm just inferring that this is a couch, because the evidence suggests the coffee table's having a tiny garage sale.
Leonard 	Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort, organize and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon 	No.
Leonard 	Well they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fibre content.
Sheldon 	Excuse me, but I think we’ve both found that helpful at times.
Leonard 	Come on, we should go.
Sheldon 	Hang on.
Leonard 	What are you doing?
Sheldon 	Straightening up.
Leonard 	Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon 	This is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy.
Leonard 	When the transvestite lived here, you didn't care how he kept the place.
Sheldon 	Because it was immaculate, I mean, you open that man's closet, it was left to right, evening gowns, cocktail dresses, then his police uniforms.
Leonard 	What were you doing in his closet?
Sheldon 	I helped him run some cable for a webcam.
Penny 	(Entering) Hey guys.
Leonard 	Oh, hey Penny, this just arrived, we just brought this up, just now.
Penny 	Great. Was it hard getting it up the stairs?
Sheldon 	(Sucks in breath)
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	No?
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	No.
Leonard 	Well, we'll get out of your hair.
Penny 	Okay, great, thank you again (she throws her jacket over the back of the sofa).
Sheldon 	Penny, I just want you to know that, you don't have to live like this. I'm here for you.
Penny 	What's he talking about?
Leonard 	It's a joke.
Penny 	I don't get it.
Leonard 	Yeah, he didn't tell it right.
Scene 	Leonard’s bedroom, he is asleep. Sound of door opening and closing somewhere else is heard. Leonard wakes, puts on his glasses and looks at the clock. It is 2
Leonard 	Sheldon?
Scene 	The living room. Leonard enters carrying a light sabre.
Leonard 	Sheldon? Hello?
Scene 	Penny’s apartment, penny is sleeping, Sheldon is cleaning. Leonard enters.
Leonard 	Sheldon!
Sheldon 	Sssshhhh! Penny's sleeping.
Leonard 	Are you insane? You can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
Sheldon 	I had no choice. I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room, and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was... this.
Leonard 	Do you realize that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we’re here?
Sheldon 	I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard 	No, no. You gave me an explanation, it's reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon 	Don't be ridiculous. I have no peers.
Leonard 	Sheldon, we have to get out of here.
Sheldon 	You might want to speak in a lower register.
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	Evolution has made women sensitive to high pitched noises while they sleep, so that they'll be roused by a crying baby. If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
Leonard 	That's ridiculous. (Penny snores again.)
Sheldon 	No, (lowering his voice dramatically,) that's ridiculous.
Leonard 	(Doing likewise) Fine. I accept your premise, now please let's go.
Sheldon 	I am not leaving until I'm done.
Leonard 	O-o-o-oh! (Collapses against wall).
Sheldon 	If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Leonard 	Oh, what the hell.
Scene 	Sheldon and Leonard’s living room, morning. Sheldon enters, singing to himself.
Sheldon 	Morning.
Leonard 	Morning.
Sheldon 	I have to say, I slept splendidly. Granted, not long, but just deeply and well.
Leonard 	I'm not surprised. A well known folk cure for insomnia is to break into your neighbour's apartment and clean.
Sheldon 	Sarcasm?
Leonard 	You think?
Sheldon 	Granted, my methods may have been somewhat unorthodox, but I think the result will be a measurable enhancement of Penny's quality of life.
Leonard 	You know what, you've convinced me, maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon 	You don't think that crosses a line?
Leonard 	Yes! For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth.
Sheldon 	You have a sarcasm sign?
Leonard 	No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
Sheldon 	Do you want some cereal. I'm feeling so good today I'm going to choose from the low fibre end of the shelf. Hello, Honey Puffs.
Penny 	(Voice off) Son of a Bitch!
Leonard 	Penny's up.
Penny 	(Voice off) You sick, geeky bastards!
Leonard 	How did she know it was us?
Sheldon 	I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Penny 	(Voice off) Leonard!
Leonard 	God, this is going to be bad.
Sheldon 	Goodbye, Honey Puffs, hello Big Bran.
Penny 	(Entering) You came into my apartment last night when I was sleeping?
Leonard 	Yes, but, only to clean.
Sheldon 	Really more to organize, you're not actually dirty, per se.
Penny 	Give me back my key.
Leonard 	I'm very, very sorry.
Penny 	Do you understand how creepy this is.
Leonard 	Oh, yes, we discussed it at length last night.
Penny 	In my apartment, while I was sleeping.
Sheldon 	And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection, but it could be sleep apnoea, you might want to see an otolaryngologist. It's a throat doctor.
Penny 	And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon 	Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon. (Leonard holds up a sign reading “Sarcasm”) Oh!
Penny 	God!
Leonard 	Okay, look, no Penny, I think what you're feeling is perfectly valid, and maybe a little bit later today when you're feeling a little bit less, for lack of a better word, violated, maybe we could talk about this some more.
Penny 	Stay away from me.
Leonard 	Sure, that's another way to go.
Sheldon 	Penny, Penny, just to clarify because there will be a discussion when you leave, is your objection solely to our presence in the apartment while you were sleeping, or do you also object to the imposition of a new organizational paradigm. (Penny stares in disbelief, then leaves.) Well that was a little non-responsive.
Leonard 	You are going to march yourself over there right now and apologize. (Sheldon laughs.) What's funny?
Sheldon 	That wasn't sarcasm?
Leonard 	No.
Sheldon 	Whoo, boy, you are all over the place this morning. (Knocks on Penny’s door.) I have a masters and two PhD's, I should not have to do this.
Penny 	(Opening door) What?
Sheldon 	I am truly sorry for what happened last night, I take full responsibility. And I hope that it won't color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy, but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover. (Penny closes door in his face.) I did what I could.
Scene 	The stairwell. Raj is coming up the stairs, he meets Penny who is going down.
Penny 	Hey Raj. (Raj stands looking uncomfortable.) Hey, listen, I don't know if you heard about what happened last night with Leonard and Sheldon, but I'm really upset about it, I mean they just, they let themselves into my place, and then they cleaned it, I mean can you even believe that? How weird is that?
Raj 	(Internally, while Penny continues to talk) Ooh, she's standing very close to me. Oh my, she does smell good. What is that, vanilla?
Penny 	You know, where I come from, someone comes into your house at night, you shoot, okay? And you don't shoot to wound. I mean, alright, my sister shot her husband, but it was an accident, they were drunk. What was I saying?
Raj 	(Internally) She's so chatty. Maybe my parents are right. Maybe I'd be better off with an Indian girl. We'd have the same cultural background, and my wife could sing to my children the same lullabies my mother sang to me.
Penny 	It's obvious that they meant well, but I'm just, I'm having a really rough time, like I said, I broke up with my boyfriend, and it's just freaking me out.
Penny 	I mean, just because most of the men I’ve known in my life happen to be jerks, doesn't mean I should just assume Leonard and Sheldon are. Right?
Raj 	(Internally) She asked me a question. I should probably nod. (Does.)
Penny 	That's exactly what I thought. Thank you for listening. You're a doll. (She hugs him.)
Raj 	(Internally) Oh-oh. Turn your pelvis. (Does.)
Scene 	Sheldon and Leonard’s living room. Howard is there, playing on a dance video game.
Howard 	(Jumping off game mat) Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.
Leonard 	It's fine. You win.
Howard 	What's his problem?
Sheldon 	His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard 	Been there.
Raj 	(Entering) Hello. Sorry I'm late. But I was in the hallway, chatting up Penny.
Howard 	Really? You? Rajesh Koothrapali, spoke to Penny?
Raj 	Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
Leonard 	What did she say? Is she still mad at me?
Raj 	Well, she was upset at first, but, probably because her sister shot somebody. Then there was something about you and... then she hugged me.
Howard 	She hugged you? How did she hug you? (Raj hugs Howard.) Is that her perfume I smell?
Raj 	Intoxicating, isn't it?
Scene 	The hallway, Leonard puts a note under Penny’s door. It opens.
Penny 	Hi.
Leonard 	Oh.
Penny 	What's going on?
Leonard 	Um, here's the thing. (Reads from note.) Penny. Just as Oppenheimer came to regret his contributions to the first atomic bomb, so too I regret my participation in what was, at the very least, an error in judgement. The hallmark of the great human experiment is the willingness to recognize one's mistakes. Some mistakes, such as Madame Curie's discovery of Radium turned out to have great scientific potential even though she would later die a slow, painful death from radiation poisoning. Another example, from the field of ebola research....
Penny 	Leonard.
Leonard 	Yeah.
Penny 	(Hugs him) We’re okay. (Kisses him on cheek. Closes door. Leonard looks happy, walks back across hallway and straight into the apartment door.)
Scene 	Penny’s apartment. Sheldon and Leonard are trying to construct furniture.
Leonard 	Six two inch dowels.
Sheldon 	Check.
Leonard 	One package, Phillips head screws.
Sheldon 	Check.
Penny 	You guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay, I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like twelve, I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media centre.
Leonard 	No, please, we insist, it's the least we can do considering.
Sheldon 	Considering what? How great this place looks?
Howard 	(Across room with Raj) Oh boy, I was afraid of this.
Leonard 	What?
Howard 	These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Penny 	Well, uh, it looked pretty good in the store.
Leonard 	It is an inefficient design, for example Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
Sheldon 	We could put her stereo back there.
Leonard 	And control it how?
Sheldon 	Run an infra-red repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.
Howard 	(After Raj whispers in his ear) Good point, how you gonna cool it?
Penny 	Hey guys, I got this.
Sheldon 	Hang on Penny. How about fans, here and here?
Leonard 	Also inefficient, and might be loud.
Howard 	How about liquid coolant? Maybe a little aquarium pump here, run some quarter inch PVC...
Penny 	Guys, this is actually really simple.
Howard 	Hold on, honey, men at work. The PVC comes down here, maybe a little corrugated sheet metal as a radiator here.
Leonard 	Oh, really, show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice and an overflow reservoir?
Sheldon 	And if water is involved we’re going to have to ground the crap out of the thing.
Penny 	Guys, it's hot in here, I think I'll just take off all my clothes.
Leonard 	Oh, I’ve got it. How about if we replace panels A, B and F and crossbar H with aircraft grade aluminum.
Sheldon 	Right, then the entire thing's one big heat sink.
Howard 	Perfect, Leonard, why don't you and Sheldon go down to the junk yard and pick up about six square meters of scrap aluminum, Raj and I will run down to my lab and get the oxy-acetaline torch.
Leonard 	Meet back here in an hour?
Howard 	Done.
Leonard 	Got it. (They all leave).
Penny 	Okay, this place does look pretty good.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)