The Capitol Storm

This article is about The SBFW Chronicles episode about the January 6, 2021, Capitol storm. You might be looking for the article on the Capitol storm itself.
----
This is the thirty-seventh episode of The SBFW Chronicles.
==Transcript==
(Continuing from the last episode, a familiar looking US president comes onto the scene. It’s Donald Trump, obviously. He hops out of the limousine he was driven in, and enters the land of SBFW. Meanwhile, Aaron is tending to his cow wife Jane in his barn)
Jane: Moo.
Aaron: AWOOGA!
Jane: Moo.
Aaron: Oh sweetie, you are so GREAT! I LOVE YOU WOMAN!
(Aaron hugs Jane so tight that she moos in pain)
Aaron: Ah, life is just perfect.
(At that moment, Jane moos in disdain, and Aaron looks directly behind him to see a familiar presidential figure)
Aaron: DONALD J TRUMP?! HOLY CRAPALONI! REAL!
Trump: Yes, mhm, it does seem that I am real. What’s your name, shining star?
Aaron: Aaron Walker. Yours?
Trump: I think I need no introduction, you already said my name.
Aaron: Fair enough. What’re you doing in the world of SBFW?
Prim: (in the distance) He said it! He said the thing!
Aaron: Shut up, cat!
Prim: For real. (starts licking himself)
Trump: Well, I heard a lot about this place. About how you guys really love me!
Aaron: We do! (under his breath) Ironically.
Trump: Interesting to hear that. Now, where are the other folks around here?
Aaron: (points towards Kelpy G’s house) That way.
Trump: Alright, thanks son.
(Trump walks away, and Aaron goes back to loving his cow wife Jane. Cut to Trump knocking on Kelpy G’s door)
Kelpy G: I know I have a small dick, Dan, shut up!
Trump: You have a what now?
Kelpy G: Who’s there? You sound an awful lot like Donald Trump.
Trump: That’s because I am.
Kelpy G: (opening the door) I don’t believe you-ou-OU! WHOA! HOLY SMOKES! IT IS YOU!
Trump: This is the second time today someone has said that. Do people not really believe it’s me, the one true president, Donald J. Trump, at your house right now?
Kelpy G: Seeing as you’re usually pretty busy with things, yeah.
Trump: Hmph. I see how it is. I’ll be on my way then.
Kelpy G: WAIT! Can you sign my penis?
Trump: (looks down) GOODNESS GRACIOUS! There’s not even any room to sign on here! Sorry, fella, but Trumpie’s gotta go.
Kelpy G: Aww…
(Penis transition to Trump knocking on several SBFW users’ doors, each generating a similar reaction to them being shocked)
Dan: OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT! (bangs fists on his chest) YEAHHHH! (he then takes off his shirt and flexes his muscles like Larry the Lobster)
Prim: …FLOOD!
Cactus: …what
Liz: NO WAYYYYY! Will you help improve the pork market economy?
Trump: Uhh… sure?
Liz: GREAT!
(After visiting all of the SBFW members, Trump gets exhausted)
Trump: Ugh, I’ve never had to work this hard to get an entire community to notice me. Maybe I should’ve started a rally instead. That always works. Oh well… I gotta bunk somewhere for the night while I form my plan.
(Trump then sees a vacant house up ahead, with a sign that says “FOR SALE”)
Trump: Perfect!
(Trump goes over to the house and sees that the house originally belonged to someone named “Arre”)
Trump: That’s a stupid name. Good thing they’re not here anymore.
(Trump enters the house and immediately hops in the bed)
Trump: Goodnight, fellow Americans.
(Meanwhile in Pasadena…)
Sheldon Cooper: Goodnight, fellow members of the United States of America.
Leonard: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: Saying goodnight to everyone.
Leonard: …it’s just us, Sheldon. Nobody else is here.
Sheldon: You’re saying Bob the Builder isn’t telling me to have a good night?!
(Laugh track because Sheldon might be schizophrenic; cut to the next morning, where Trump wakes up, and starts singing)
Trump: Good morning USA! I have a feeling that it’s gonna be a wonderful day!
???: Who the hell is singing? I’m trying to get some shuteye!
Trump: Maybe I should stop.
???: Please do! Also, are you Donald Trump?
Trump: (sighs) Yes.
???: HOLY CRAP! I GOTTA MEET YOU!
Trump: Cool, cool. (to himself) This is your chance!
(The unknown person comes out of his house to reveal himself as…)
Peter Griffin: Holy crap! It really is you! I haven’t seen you since that one Family Guy episode!
Trump: Yeah yeah, that’s great. Now, listen. I need you to come over here behind this tree and do me a favor.
Peter: Oh boy, I love doing favors.
(Peter does as Trump says, and Trump instantly grabs a rope and ties Peter to the tree)
Peter: What the? Why am I tied to a tree?!
Trump: Uhh, it’s for… charity!
Peter: Oh boy, charity! I love charity!
Trump: Now just stay here while I do some things.
Peter: For charity!
(Trump runs off, leaving Peter alone)
Peter: Heheheh, I’m doing good for the world.
(Cut to Trump holding a megaphone, ready to make an announcement)
Aaron: Oh boy, Trump’s about to make an announcement!
Prim: TRUMP FOR REAL! FOR REAL! FOR REALLLLL!
Cactus: For real.
Trump: ATTENTION ALL SBFWIANS! I, DONALD J TRUMP, AM YOUR NEW MAYOR!
(Everyone cheers)
Prim: Wait, we have a mayor?
Cactus: We do now. For real.
Prim: For real.
Drake: For real.
Cactus: Would you- WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE!
Drake: She say she a lesbian. Girl, me too!
(Drake vanishes, much to Cactus’ frustration)
Trump: Well anyway, now that I am president fair and square, I am now banning abortion!
Dan: YEAH! WOO! BOOYAH! (rapidly clapping; he notices everyone is glaring at him) What?
Trump: I'm glad we're all on the same page here.
Cactus: You're a white supremacist!
Trump: Let's save that for another time, shall we? Also, I am making Dan here my… assistant!
Dan: WHAT! No way!
Trump: Oh yes way, my dear buddy chum pal buddy chum.
Aidan: THAT WAS MY LINE YOU C-
Trump: Anywho, we're wasting no time in making America- I mean, SBFW, a better place. AMERICA- SBFW FIRST!
Dan: YEAH! (rips shirt off, revealing a red white and blue Trump tattoo)
Trump: How long have you had that for?
Dan: That's personal information.
Trump: Okay, then. So, what do you think of your new mayor, everyone?!
(Everyone else except Dan, who cheers, boos)
Prim: YOU TOOK DANNY FROM US! BOO!
(Prim throws a tray of lasagna at Trump’s face, landing directly on it. He soon after wipes it away in frustration)
Trump: You're all fake news, you know that?! FAKE! NEWS!
NotJoe: Mister Trump, are you going to be banning the COVID vaccine?
Trump: (akin to Seymour Skinner) No.
NotJoe: Fuck you Trump, I trusted you!
(NotJoe stomps out of the place)
Trump: I don't even remember seeing him here before.
Cactus: Me neither. Also you suck bro.
Trump: Hey hey hey, what did I do wrong?
Cactus: Everything.
Trump: Let's not get too hasty now. I support the gays!
Pluto: You held the flag upside down, dumbass!
Trump: It was an honest mistake!
Jess: Wait, guys! I just noticed something!
(Everyone gathers around Jess to see that Peter Griffin is still tied to the tree)
Dan: DADDY DONALD! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS!
Trump: I'm sorry, I just-
Cactus: GET HIM!
(Everyone suddenly grows pitchforks into their hands and start chasing Trump around the area. Meanwhile, Peter Griffin manages to eat the rope and untie himself)
Peter: Man, I didn't think the rope was THAT weak. (whistles and bumps into another tree, making him fall down) Aw god damn it.
(Meanwhile…)
Trump: Guys, STOP!
(Everyone suddenly stops chasing Trump and awaits to hear what he is about to say)
Trump: This is all just a big misunderstanding. I'm just using your place to evade taxes for a little bit!
SpongeBot: Well, I do hate taxes.
Aaron: But I love taxes! Taxes help feed my cow wife!
(Everyone instantly glares at Aaron)
Aaron: I’ll just… stay out of this one.
Cactus: I knew it all along. I knew this was a SHAM! A FRAUDSTER!
Dan: GET DADDY DONALD!
Trump: Wait, no! What?!
(Everyone starts chasing Trump again. The Benny Hill theme song plays as they chase him all around SBFW. Eventually, Trump finds a dumpster and hides in it)
Cactus: Where is that motherfucker?
Pluto: Beats me, lesbian.
Cactus: Hey!
Aaron: I'm a lesbian too!
Pluto: Shut up. Lesbians R Us doesn't accept you.
Cactus: (sighs) I think we should just give up for now.
SpongeBot: But we can't give up yet! If we find him, we can hang him from a rope on a tree and beat him up like a piñata!
Pluto: That sounds incredible. And gory. Let's do it.
Everyone: Yeah! Free money!
(Everyone starts looking for Trump again, coincidentally everywhere but where the dumpster is located. Trump hesitantly hops out of the dumpster, covered in CatDog pornography magazines)
Trump: Blech, is this what those so-called furries are about? Disgusting. (he throws all the magazines on his body back into the dumpster) And stay in there! Phew. Okay. Trump, look at what you've gotten yourself into this time. This is almost as bad as when I got caught for the Capitol storm incident! Almost! Now, just find a different place to flee from taxes. Where can I go that nobody would suspect…?
(Trump pulls out his phone and slowly inputs Joe Biden’s number)
Trump: Yeah honey, I need you to do me a favor…
(The scene cuts to Trump on a plane, seated next to a woman)
Trump: Nice tits.
Woman: Thanks???
Trump: You're welcome.
(The scene changes to The Big Bang Theory’s scene transition, and it cuts to Donald Trump entering the classic apartment in Pasadena)
Trump: I hope this is the correct address. I have to give Biden extra sloppy tonight for these directions… I'm not sure if that's even possible!
(He goes up the apartment stairs, one by one. He eventually reaches Sheldon Cooper’s floor and stops, exhausted)
Trump: Why can't they just fix the elevator? Pussies. I could grab them faster than they ever could.
(Trump exhaustedly opens the door to Sheldon and Leonard’s room, and sees that Leonard is asleep on the couch, snoring like a madman)
Trump: Aw, sleeping like an angel. An angel with four eyes and a bad snoring problem, that is. Pathetic.
Sheldon: (off-screen) Leonard! Leonard! Leonard! You see, I called him out the same way I knock on the door. (laugh track)
Trump: Why doesn’t my life have a laugh track?! Oh, gotta hide.
(Trump swiftly hides under the couch, squishing himself doing so. Sheldon wakes Leonard up from his yelling, and gets up, grumpy)
Leonard: What, what is it, Sheldon? I’ve had a rough night, Penny just cheated on me with this other woman and-
Sheldon: Look, I don’t have time for your pity parties. (laugh track) I just wanted to let you know that Star Wars X is now on Disney+.
Leonard: …that’s it? THAT’S what you wanted to tell me?!
Sheldon: Yes. (laugh track)
(Leonard instantly falls back asleep, snoring)
Sheldon: Oh boy, 3AM!
(Sheldon grabs his phone from his pocket and starts watching the new Star Wars movie)
Trump: Jesus, those guys are nerds. No matter, nerds are people too. Not Muslims, though. And Mexicans. And Native Americans. And anyone else I don’t like. Joe Biden is probably just a robot created by Satan himself!
Sheldon: Why does it sound like someone is whispering to themselves?
(Sheldon pauses the movie, and looks under the couch to find a very squashed Donald Trump)
Sheldon: (gasps) A Donald Trump impostor?! (laugh track)
Trump: I’m the real thing! Also, how did you get that laugh track?
Sheldon: I sold my soul to the devil. (louder laugh track)
Trump: I see. I’ll consider it.
Sheldon: Wait, YOU’RE the real Donald Trump? You’re famous!
Trump: Yeah, I know, I'm amazing.
Sheldon: Can I take a selfie with you?!
Trump: Uhh… I don’t see why not.
Sheldon: Great!
(Laugh track; cut back to SBFW land or whatever, where SpongeBot is pacing around)
Cactus: What’s wrong, Bot? You’ve been pacing around for the past 7 minutes.
SpongeBot: It’s just that… I’ve been thinking about the Muppets a lot lately.
Cactus: Yeah?
SpongeBot: What if… we got the Muppets… to fight Donald Trump?
Dan: NOT DADDY DONALD! NOOOO!
Cactus: SpongeBot, that sounds amazing. Let’s do it.
SpongeBot: For reals?
Cactus: For real.
(Cut to Muppet Headquarters Co., where Kermit is at the CEO desk, using his left hand for something devious. A box of tissues is nearby)
Kermit: Holy shit Miss Piggy looked so much better when she was younger. I want to turn back time to the good old days.
(He gets a phone call from SpongeBot)
Kermit: Aww, why can’t a poor frog masturbate for once in his life?
(Kermit answers the phone)
Kermit: Hello? Chronic masturbator here.
SpongeBot: Yeahhh, TMI. Anyways, I need you guys to do us a favor.
Kermit: Mhm, I’m listening.
(Cut back to Pasadena, where Trump is now in a baby outfit)
Trump: Is this some sort of fetish thing or something?
Sheldon: Yes. (laugh track) Now hold still, babies aren’t supposed to be so fussy!
Leonard: Babies are fussy, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well how am I supposed to know that? I’ve only met one baby, and that baby was me! (laugh track)
(Suddenly a knock on the apartment room door is head)
Leonard: I’ll get it. Perverts. (laugh track as he opens the door)
Kermit: Hello, hello! This is the muppet secret service here to beat the shit out of Donald Trump!
Sheldon: But we’re taking baby pictures! Can’t it wait?
Kermit: Sorry, I’m firmly anti-kink.
Fozzie: I’m pro-kink but I fucking HATE babies!
Miss Piggy: Kermit, we are OVER!
Kermit: Can that wait, Miss Piggy? We’re gonna beat up the president here in a little bit.
Elmo 5: Hi yes I am a muppet!
(Elmo 5 gets punted out the window by Kermit)
Kermit: No impostors! Now then… (rubs his hands together) Shall we?
Trump: Uh oh… (gulps)
(A giant fight scene of the Muppets gang beating up Trump mercilessly happens. Trump tries to throw a few kicks and punches, but they all fail as the Muppets have excelled in A-level martial arts)
Trump: TELL… MELIANA… I REALLY LOVE HER…!
Super Grover: THE CORONAVIRUS IS MOTHERFUCKING (punches Trump in the balls) FAAAAAAKE!
Trump: AHH! WHY DON’T YOU GO INJECT BLEACH INTO YOUR ARM!
Super Grover: (punching Trump in the chest) FAKE! (punching him in the face) NEWWWWS!
(After this finishing blow, Trump gets knocked out onto the wall. He instantly passes out)
Kermit: We did it, team! High five!
(Silence)
Kermit: Oh fuck me…
Miss Piggy: We’re gonna need to have a talk.
Kermit: Fuck me…
(Miss Piggy drags Kermit away as the other muppets follow)
Sheldon: Wait! Before you go, are Bert and Ernie a gay couple?
Bert: I’m quite offended you’d say something like that. But yes, we are.
Ernie: Come on, dear, let’s go. This nerd doesn’t need any more attention from us.
(Bert and Ernie leave with the other muppets)
Sheldon: So much for those baby pictures…
Leonard: (dialing 9-1-1) I’m calling the police.
French Narrator: One arrest later…
(Cut to Trump being thrown into the backseat of a comically small police car)
Trump: BUT I’M TOO OLD TO GO TO JAIL! MOMMY!
Police officer: lmao your mom is dead
Police officer 2: 🤣
(The first officer drives off with Trump, as he is still screaming as the police car fades away from the scene)
Cactus: (in Fred from Scooby-Doo’s voice) Well gang, we solved the mystery. The annoying orange conservatard is now in jail, and we can all be happy again.
Pluto: We were happy?
Cactus: (normal voice) No. Now, who wants to listen to music?
CrazySponge: ME!
Aaron: I’m out.
Dan: NOOOO! (runs towards the police car) DADDY DONALD!!! COME BAAAACK!
Aaron: He’s a lost cause.
Cactus: Speak for yourself, weewee sucker.
Aaron: I AM NOT GAY!
CrazySponge: ME NEITHER!
Pluto: There’s no way you both aren’t gay at this point.
Jane: Moo. (eats Aaron’s hand for absolutely no reason)
Aaron: PWAH HOHO
Pluto: Go fuck yourself.
(end)
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Episodes written by FireMatch
Category:FireMatch
Category:2020s