Future (Not The Rapper)

Future (Not The Rapper) is the fourth episode of Season One of a spin-off just for spin-off kings and the fourth archive of File 1 of I Simp For Juicy Titties. It was released on May 21, 2020.
==Transcript==
[episode starts with Sheldon in the midst of an attempt to steal the formula. He’s hiding behind a table at the Krusty Krab, waiting for the coast to become clear]
Sheldon: Oh yeah baby. I just need this fatass to get out of the way and I’ll be safe. [shows Eugene with a basket of money, going from table to table]
Eugene: Give me your money! [people reluctantly hand money over to Eugene] I must say, Mr. Squidward, ever since we started doing daily offertories, our profit has gone up tremendously.
Squidward: You know those are for churches, right?
Eugene: Indeed, this is the church of money.
Squidward: Well, I guess it is. Just like Catholic priests, you like raping innocent children.
Eugene: ...I thought I told you never to bring those charges up. [shows Sheldon angry as he runs over behind the counter]
Sheldon: When will these damn fools stop talking about circumcision? [climbs up the boat] There’s gotta be a hint somewhere… [climbs up to see Squidward, who falls asleep]
Squidward: Ugh… fuck this job. [snoozes]
Sheldon: Oh. That was easy. [jumps into the boat and starts looking around] Where is that damn code? Gotta be somewh- [spots formula on the bottom] whu— can it be?! [takes a closer look] It is! [grabs formula and climbs back up to scout the area. He sees Eugene continuing to collect money. Patrick is at one of the tables.]
Eugene: Pay up, Patrick.
Patrick: Ooh, is this one of those wishing wells?
Eugene: No, you- oh. Wait. Yeah, sure, it’s a wishing well. [gets a grin]
Patrick: Well I wish for some thicc bitch to kiss me.
Eugene: SIMP! [collects money] I mean, yeah, good wish. [Sheldon jumps up from counter and sprays a gas, knocking Eugene out, falling on Patrick’s lips]
Patrick: Score!
Sheldon: AHA! I knew this simp repellant would work. [chucks it away] Now to scurry off with the formula! [starts running to the door] It’s so close I can tas- [trips over Eugene, causing him to wake up and Sheldon to be bruised]
Eugene: What kind of night was that? [sees Sheldon] And what the hell are you doing here?!
Sheldon: Uhh… just paying a visit! [cuts to Eugene grabbing Sheldon and launching him back to the Chum Bucket]
Eugene: Be gone, thot!
Sheldon: Goddamnit… not again. [cuts to him picking himself back up and walking over to Karen]
Karen: So, how did you fail this time?
Sheldon: You know, I really don’t feel like hearing you nag.
Karen: Hearing me nag? But Sheldon, everyone needs to hear me nag. Remember when I started a Facebook campaign against the Super Bowl 54 halftime show? They don’t call me Karen for nothing.
Sheldon: Shut up already! I’m trying to wallow in my own filth. I came the closest I’ve ever been to stealing the formula.
Karen: Too bad you can't go back in time to redo it.
[A light bulb appears over Sheldon's head]
Sheldon: Karen, I don’t have time to hear you bitch! What I need to do is go back and time and redo my attempt.
Karen: Ugh...
[We see a montage of Sheldon getting materials, and building the time machine]
Sheldon: Well, it's done, and it only took me 5 seconds. Thank God for lazy writing! [He goes inside the time machine] Secret formula, here I come!
[He activates the time machine, and we see it and Sheldon disappear in a cloud of smoke]
[Cut to a sandy wasteland, the time machine appears (with Sheldon in it of course) and Sheldon steps out of it.]
Sheldon: What the… where the fuck am I? Argh, the time machine must have fucked up! But… when is this, and where am I? But most importantly, LET ME BACK!!
[He frantically tries to activate the time machine, but it doesn't turn on]
Sheldon: Shit! Well, maybe I should look around. Maybe this place isn't as bad as it looks.
[He walks away, but then runs back and tries to activate the time machine again]
Sheldon: WORK. YOU. PIECE. OF. SHIT! Fine, I'll look around longer.
[He goes inside an empty, decayed Krusty Krab. The formula is sitting there, unprotected]
Sheldon: Huh? This must be a trick. There's no way that Eugene left the formula sitting here after I dunno when! But…
[He grabs the formula, but a descendant of Krabs ambushes him and takes it]
Eugene XVII: Aha! I knew you'd come eventually. [beeps on his engine]
Sheldon: Krabs?! You look… different.
Eugene XVII: [speaks in broken English] Don’t play dumb! [leaks exhaust; picks Sheldon up and slings him out] Be gone, pest!
Sheldon: AGGHHHH! [faceplants into the ground next to the road] That was different. Anyway- [goes to cross the street, but several hover cars fly by on the crowded road. It shows two cars in a high speed chase, getting chased by a blue and red chrome car that continues to spin around.]
Future Cop: Stop right now!
Target: Is this because I’m a dark robot? [cuts back to Sheldon who goes back to cross the street]
Sheldon: Fine. [goes to run, but he springs up into the air, landing on the other side] What the hell was that? [continues to jump around the Chum Bucket, reaching insane heights] Sick. Now, time to get home. [walks through the doors which are automatic, Sheldon looks back confused] automatic doors? Should’ve installed that a while ago.
Sheldon XVII: WHO GOES THAR?! [appears in front of Sheldon, causing him to drop]
Sheldon: Agh! What are you doing in my restaurant?!
Sheldon XVII: Yours? This is mine. You should get yer ass out- Wait a second. [hovers up in the air using rockets and comes back with a family tree] Hm…
Sheldon: What?
Sheldon XVII: You look like… well damn! You’re my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandpa! [shakes his hand furiously] How’d you get here, mate? You passed on about 475 years ago.
Sheldon: What year is it?
Sheldon XVII: 2520.
Sheldon: Huh?! So my time machine didn’t work!!
Sheldon XVII: Well relax there. It’s great to be in this time period. They finally lifted the public nudity law!
Sheldon: No, you dipshit, our family has always been naked.
Sheldon XVII: Well… there’s a $15 minimum wage, free healthcare, free college, Israel is all but gone, and our military is the smallest it’s ever been!
Sheldon: Really?! The middle class revolution has stru-
Sheldon XVII: Just kidding! Bikini Bottom is about as conservative as ever.
Sheldon: Quit your BS. Do you now how I can steal the formula?
Sheldon XVII: Oh, that. [folds hands and walks back] Grandpappy, my compute wife Tricia and I can not find the key to overtaking the Krusty Krab. It’s been ran for over 500 years by those damn Krabinos.
Sheldon: You mean crabs?
Sheldon XVII: No. They’ve evolved. Look. [opens curtain to show Eugene XVII and his family guarding the Krusty Krab. Each of them have missiles and lasers equipped, and also have the power to attract any money coming towards them.]
Sheldon: Holy crap. [steps down] Do we have any powers?
Sheldon XVII: Yeah, and some would say our powers are even better than theirs. But… we’re too stupid to use them.
Sheldon: Wow, so I really am the black sheep of the family. [Tricia the computer wife comes over]
Tricia: Hey you! It’s 2520. We’re supposed to respect each other’s races!
[Sheldon XVII turns her power button off and shows Sheldon the artillery of weapons he has. It shows a couple of plasma guns and some potions.]
Sheldon XVII: Forget about my computer bitch. Here’s these?
Sheldon: Ah, a plasma gun! Didn’t have these back in my day.
Sheldon XVII: A what? I call that a pew pewer.
Sheldon: I see… [picks up a regeneration potion] Mmm, these are good. What are in these?
Sheldon XVII: Uh… semen?
Sheldon: [deadpan; goes over to the cauldron and pours some in. A monitor reads off the ingredients]
Monitor: 40% gatorade, 40% glass, and 20% semen.
Sheldon XVII: [grins] See? Also, what is that thing?
Sheldon: How do you not know the things in *your* lab?
Sheldon XVII: Well, you see, my dad moved out of Bikini Bottom to start a computer business somewhere else. He gave me the deed to the Chum Bucket, and now I don’t know how any of this malarkey works.
Sheldon: Shut up, damn fool! We don’t have much time! My machine’s gonna expire soon - we have to get this formula so I can take it back to my time!
Sheldon XVII: Wait, so you’re keeping it all for yourself? Why?
Sheldon: Because, dumbass, then our entire family will have the formula. If you had it, then only you and everyone born after would have it.
Sheldon XVII: Can you dumb that down a little bit more?
[Sheldon facepalms. Cuts to the two of them outside the Chum Bucket, preparing their arms]
Sheldon XVII: Can you run down the plan again, Daddy Plankee?
Sheldon: Don’t ever call me that ever again. [puts up a prototype board made out of chrome] We hide behind the dumpster and tranquilize the Krabino guards. Then we sneak through a crack in the side which will bring us to the kitchen. [flips page] We get rid of SpongeBot678 and his mecha-spatula.
Sheldon XVII: Pffft, what kind of a name is that?
Sheldon: His birth name was SpongeBobiaChatBot. Anyway- [flips page again] then we make our way to that fat bastard’s office and infiltrate the safe. [flips page, showing Sheldon with a whip constantly slashing Eugene XVII’s ass] This is just comic relief. [flips page] And finally, we hop into the shuttles in the back and swerve through the air. [knocks plan down in excitement] Got that?
Sheldon XVII: Sure, why not? Hop on, Daddy Plankee!
Sheldon: What did I say about calling me that- ooh. [Sheldon XVII pulls out a grapple arm that brings him over to the other side of the road] Hold on, don’t go without me! [super jumps over, cutting to the other part of the road. The two plankton hide behind a chrome coral plant]. Alright, when I say go, you go inside. [He takes a dollar bill from his pocket.] HEY, YOU CHEAP BASTARDS!
Krabino 1: Did you hear something?
Krabino 2: No.
Krabino 1: You're probably right.
[Sheldon faces Sheldon XVII.]
Sheldon: Do you have a megaphone?
[Sheldon XVII tosses a megaphone over to him.]
Sheldon: Thanks.
[He goes over to the guards.]
Sheldon: [Using the megaphone] HEY, YOU CHEAP BASTARDS!!
[The guards turn over to Sheldon.]
Krabinos: Get away from the restaurant or face the consequences!
[He shows the dollar bill to the Krabinos, and they immediately stop and stare at it.]
Sheldon: Do you want it?
[The Krabinos slowly nod in unison.]
Sheldon: Then go get it! [He does the fake-throw thing and the Krabinos rush off into the distance.] That was easier than I thought. Maybe I should do that in my time when I get back. Anyway, go!
[Sheldon XVII goes through the crack in the wall, with Sheldon following behind. They end up in the kitchen and see SpongeBot cooking.]
Sheldon XVII: What no-
Sheldon: SHHH! [whispering] You'll draw attention to us!
Sheldon XVII: [whispering] Oh, sorry.
[Sheldon jumps onto the back of SpongeBot and taps him on the shoulder a couple of times]
Sheldon: [normally] Oh, nut basket!
SpongeBot: WHO LURKS ON MY SHOULDER
Sheldon: Catch me if you can, you rusty bitch! [He runs off.]
SpongeBot: [Raises mecha-spatula] FLATTEN THE PEST
[SpongeBot chases Sheldon, occasionally swinging his mecha-spatula to swat him.]
Sheldon XVII: [Eating popcorn] This is gold!
Sheldon: Don't just sit there, you lazy bitch! [He dodges the mecha-spatula.] Deactivate him!
Sheldon XVII: Oh, right. [He throws the popcorn away and makes his way over to SpongeBot, but before he can do anything, he gets flattened.]
Sheldon: Oh, for the love of-[He jumps on SpongeBot's back and deactivates him.]
Sheldon XVII: OOOOOWWW!!!
Sheldon: Shut up. After more than 100 failed attempts getting squished starts to hurt less. You'll get used to it.
[He helps Sheldon XVII get back up, and together they go to Eugene XVII's office. He's sleeping]
Sheldon: Huh. This mission might be easier-[Eugene XVII wakes up.]
Eugene XVII: Plankton! And… what the? Why are there two of you?
Sheldon: None of your business. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.
Eugene XVII: Uh huh. [He runs towards them and attempts to step on them, but they manage to get out of the way.]
Sheldon: [whispering] I'll keep him distracted, you get the formula.
[Sheldon XVII runs over to the safe and plants a C4 on it. He takes cover and activates it, causing the safe to blow up, leaving the formula vulnerable.]
Sheldon: [normally] Great job! Now let's grab it and get the fu-
[Eugene XVII steps on him, however.]
Sheldon: OW! GET OUT OF HERE, ME!
Sheldon XVII: Yes, sir! [He gets out of the office and into the kitchen, but Eugene XVII grabs a bottle of mayo and traps Sheldon XVII in it.] ACK!
Eugene XVII: Game over, Sheldon. Hand me the formula. [He puts his claw out.]
Sheldon: Not so fast, crab face! [Eugene turns around, and Sheldon blasts him in the face with a plasma gun.]
Sheldon XVII: My pew pewer!
Eugene XVII: You green fool! [He runs over to Sheldon, giving Sheldon XVII enough time to get out of the mayonnaise and to the crack. However, he can't fit because of the bottle.]
Sheldon XVII: Uh… where do I go?
Sheldon: THE MAIN ENTRANCE, YOU BUFFOON!!
Sheldon XVII: Oh. Okay.
[Sheldon XVII goes out of the entrance, only to find the Krabinos.]
Krabino 1: Not so fast, punk.
[Sheldon XVII takes out a dollar.]
Sheldon XVII: I'll give you this dollar if you let me escape with the formula.
Krabino 2: Deal!
[Sheldon XVII throws the dollar in the air, and the Krabinos fight over it.]
Sheldon XVII: Good thing Krabinos love money. Otherwise, I'd be a green puddle. [Sheldon leaps over to the Chum Bucket and Sheldon XVII grapples over. Both of them make their way inside.]
Sheldon: Pffft, that Eugene is stupider than I thought. He might be even stupider than you!
Sheldon XVII: Vaccines cause autism.
Sheldon: ...I stand corrected. Welp, it was good time hanging with you, great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson.
Sheldon XVII: Same to you, Daddy Plankee. [Sheldon walks over to the return pad] Perhaps you could stop fascism from getting this far into the future when you’re back.
Sheldon: I’ll try. [winks] So long, #1 business owner of 2520. [hops in return pad. Cuts to Sheldon XVII who is shedding a tear]
Sheldon XVII: What an inspiration. [Tricia wheels over]
Tricia: Come on, Sheldon! We have another raunchy Super Bowl halftime show to criticize. [Sheldon XVII sighs as it cuts back to 2020, where Sheldon is returning home. The return pad is showing and after a few seconds, Sheldon pops out of it.]
Sheldon: OUCH! Well, we got it. [runs over] Hey, Karen!
Karen: What, you screwed up the travel?
Sheldon: Well, yes, but it’s alright! I got the formula.
Karen: What?! Wow, your descendants ARE smarter than you.
Sheldon: [facepalms] Well… here goes nothing. [pops off bottle and unrolls script] And, the ingredients in the coveted Krabby Patty are… huh? [starts to read] This just says “Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the fuck out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point that it feels fucking weird when I go and take a piss.” What the?! [Eugene comes waddling into the Chum Bucket]
Eugene: Argh argh argh argh! Fooled you again, Plankton.
Sheldon: WHAT?! How?! That’s impossible!
Eugene: Oh, but it’s not! My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson traveled back in time to warn me about your foolish attempts with your damn fool. So I slid him a replica to set up as a decoy! You’ll never be smarter than a crab… or a krabino, for that matter.
[strolls away laughing. Sheldon pinches his eye together, then lets go of the replica and starts to scream. It cuts to a zoomed out shot of the Chum Bucket as the story ends.]
==Trivia==
*This episode came in 2nd place out of the three episodes in Round 4.
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