The Peter Griffin Show

The Peter Griffin Show is the fourth The World of SBFW short.
==Transcript==
[The short begins with Peter Griffin in ragged and dirty clothes drinking beer on the sidewalk like a homeless person. Joe Swanson pulls up to him in his wheelchair.]
Joe Swanson: Hey Peter, why are you sitting on the sidewalk like a crack addict?
Peter Griffin: Oh, hey Joe. Well, y'know, money's been scarce since i've been fired from my job. At one point, I even had to share the shower with Meg!
[Cutaway to the Griffin household's bathroom; Peter is getting out of the shower while Meg, in a towel, has been waiting on the toilet.]
Meg Griffin: Hey, dumbass. You were supposed to share the shower.
Peter Griffin: Oh, sorry. Give me a second.
[Peter takes out a bucket of ice cold water and dumps it on Meg's head.]
Meg Griffin: AHH, FUCK!! WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, ASSHOLE?!
Peter Griffin: You're Meg, I have to abuse you in some way.
[Awkward pause. Zoom into Peter's face.]
Peter Griffin: [CELEBRITY NAME] is terrible.
[Laugh track. Cut back.]
Joe Swanson: Sounds tough. Hey, if you're in desperate need of money–
Peter Griffin: Joe, I already tried selling my body.
Joe Swanson: I– wait, what? No, I was gonna suggest you work for Box Productions.
[Peter's eyes light up.]
Peter Griffin: Say… now there's an idea and a half! Thanks Joe!
[Peter stays seated in his exact spot and continues drinking his beer.]
Joe Swanson: So are you gonna do it or…
Peter Griffin: Yeah, yeah, just let me get drunk before I make any interactions with CrazySponge. I like making good first impressions.
[Cut to Box Productions HQ. CrazySponge is throwing darts at a Jasbre dartboard because jokes are low.]
CrazySponge: yeah… how do you like that, you little–
[The doorbell rings, disrupting CrazySponge and making him throw his dart out the open window.]
CrazySponge: eh, nothing bad will happen from that
SpongeBot678: (walking in) Hey boss, someone's at the door.
CrazySponge: are they a woman?
SpongeBot678: Well…
CrazySponge: then they can fuck off
SpongeBot678: No but, like, it's someone really funny, I think you should see.
CrazySponge: ugh, fine. but you get 5 minutes in the time-out corner.
[CrazySponge goes downstairs and opens the door. Zoltan is on the other side.]
Zoltan: helo ive been tryibg to reach you about your cars extended warra–
[Peter punches Zoltan out of the way.]
Peter Griffin: Mr. Aidan "CrazySponge" Lastname, I take it?
CrazySponge: oh hey peter whats up
Peter Griffin: Yeah, can I pretty please work for you?
CrazySponge: (putting on a party hat and throwing confetti in the air) YIPPEE!! ANOTHER SLA– uhh, i mean… WORKER for my company!!!
Peter Griffin: Oh, cool. So… what can I do?
CrazySponge: do you know how to write?
Peter Griffin: No.
CrazySponge: um… okay, do you at least know how to act?
Peter Griffin: No.
CrazySponge: well shit, youre not really giving me a lot of options here.
Peter Griffin: I can fart the ABC's.
CrazySponge: …we'll take you
[Cut to the Hoopla's Fantastic Beach writing room. It's covered in dust and cobwebs from months of inactivity and nonuse.]
CrazySponge: this is where we write my precious baby… once im bothered to anyway
Peter Griffin: …This stinks. Hey, I have a better idea!
CrazySponge: (gasp!) a better idea than hooplas fantastic beach?!
Peter Griffin: How about you make a show about me?
CrazySponge: …about you? peter, respectfully, who'd tune in every single day to watch 'you' on their televisions?
[Cutaway to SpongeBot678 at home watching Family Guy on Channel 5.]
SpongeBot678: Hehehehe, that Peter guy sure is funny.
[Cut back.]
Peter Griffin: I can think of a lot of people! Like… me. I'd watch my own show.
CrazySponge: thats kinda depressing
Peter Griffin: Says you! You write fanfiction about a minor character from SpongeBob SquarePants and share it with a bunch of teenagers on a website!
CrazySponge: thats too many words im confused
Peter Griffin: Listen boss, can we just please try making a show about me?
[CrazySponge looks at his schedule, which is completely empty aside from a few Fortnite game blocks (because I genuinely don't know if he's working on 2 2 or 44: 4d edition at this moment in time) and after a few seconds of scanning, he looks back up to Peter.]
CrazySponge: i think i can make some time
Peter Griffin: YAY!
[Cut to Zoltan's house. He is sitting on his couch and is wearing a Hoopla cap.]
Zoltan: time for box productions tv show time!!! my favtoyete time of the day!!! …otehr than"go out on the street and kidnap cats time of the day" anyway
[He turns on his TV. He is greeted with a picture of Peter Griffin.]
Zoltan: HEY!! THAT'S NOT THE FUNNY GREEN FISH! THAT'S PETE GARFIELD!
Announcer: And now it's time for The Peter Griffin Show! Featuring today's special guest star: Boris Johnson!
Zoltan: me dont know who that is
[We see Peter taking a walk down the street.]
Peter Griffin: Ah, what a good day it is for walking today.
[We see a visibly distressed Peter dressed in drag run up to the original Peter.]
Peter in Drag: Hey, you there! I need help!
Peter Griffin: Oh no! What is it you need my assistance with, random lady who looks incredibly familiar, almost as if they were played by the same actor as someone else in this show?
Peter in Drag: An evil man chased my cat up a tree!
Peter Griffin: (gasp) Couldn't be! I need to drive away this despicable person and save your cat! But first, a cutaway gag.
Zoltan: WHAT
[One minute straight of Peter spinning in a circle and t-posing.]
Zoltan: can we get to the main acshion noe
[We see Boris Johnson standing by a tree. Peter Griffin in a cat suit is seen on the tree.]
Peter in Cat Suit: Help me, meow. I am scared of the man.
[Zoltan is visibly aroused.]
Zoltan: ZAMN!!!!++ id smash
Boris Johnson: Britain.
Peter Griffin: Never fear, cat who looks incredibly familiar, almost as if they were played by the same actor as someone else in this show! Peter Griffin is here, and he will help you!
[Peter farts on Boris Johnson, causing him to explode. The explosion knocks the tree down, getting Cat Peter safely to the ground.]
Peter in Cat Suit: Meow meow, you saved me.
Peter in Drag: You are my hero!
Peter Griffin: It was my pleasure, person who looks like me dressed in woman's clothes which could double as a transphobic stereotype but I refuse to speak about that! It's all in a day's work for Peter Griffin.
Announcer: This is the end of tonight's broadcast of The Peter Griffin Show! Tune in tomorrow to see the next episode: "Peter Griffin Gets Freaky Under the Sheets"!
[The TV shuts off. Zoltan is visibly stunned.]
Zoltan: that was an emotional rollercoatser! i felt lust, distress, suspense, amd lust all at fhe same time! but i still have lots of questopns! why was there two peters with makeu pand a sexy cat suot? why was boros jonarbuckle there? why did he drive yhe sexy kittu ip the etree? how dod peter explode him with his fart? did boris die? what does this mean for the futurw of britain? who does peter get freaky under the sheets with? and WHY IS TOMORROW SO FAR AWAY?!
[A few weeks later…]
[We see the colosseum from Zoltan's Castration. Zoltan is about to be castrated and Dan is holding a bid for his genitalia.]
Mr. Renaud: I bid a million dollars! No, make that a TRILLION dollars!
Peter Griffin: I bid two trillion!
Lois Griffin: Petaaahhhhh, we don't have that much money.
Peter Griffin: Of course we do, sweetie. Don't you remember that time when I worked for Box Productions?
[Cutaway to Peter in the Hoopla's Fantastic Beach writing room.]
Peter Griffin: (smirks) Poo.
[Peter winks at the camera. Laugh track. End of short.]
==Trivia==
*This is the first The World of SBFW episode to be written by only one of the show's creators.
**In this case, it was only PrimitiveSponge129.
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