Homer at the Bat/Quotes

:José Canseco is walking by a burning house when he hears a baby crying.
:Woman: My baby!
:José Canseco: Don't worry, ma'am, I'll save your baby!
:José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with baby.
:Woman: Thank you!
:Cat mewling is heard.
:Woman: My cat!
:José Canseco: Never fear, ma'am, I'll save your cat!
:José Canseco runs into burning house and emerges with cat.
:Woman: Thank you Mr. Canseco!
:"Camptown Races" is heard.
:Woman: My player piano!
:José Canseco: Oh, man!
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:Springfield Hospital. Dr. Hibbert is using a Geiger counter on a sick Mike Scioscia.
:Dr. Hibbert: Er, Mike, try to lift your arm.
:Mike Scioscia: Can't... lift arm... or speak... at... normal... rate
:Dr. Hibbert: Now son, it looks like you have acute radiation poisoning.
:Mike Scioscia: Will... I... be.. able.. to.. play... softball... tomorrow?
:Dr. Hibbert: (laughs) No, by tomorrow you'll barely be able to breath!
:Mike Scioscia: Oh... man...
:Nurse: Doctor, come quick! Ken Griffey, Jr. needs your help immediately; it looks like an overdose of nerve tonic.
:Dr. Hibbert sees Ken Griffey, Jr. in a wheelchair with an enlarged cranium.
:Dr. Hibbert: Oh my lord, gigantism!
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:(Wade Boggs is arguing in Moe's Tavern with a drunken Barney Gumble)
:Barney: And I say England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!
:Wade Boggs: Pitt the Elder!
:Barney: Lord Palmerston!
:Boggs: Pitt the Elder!!
:Barney: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!
:(Barney knocks Boggs out)
:Moe: Yeah, that's showing him, Barney! Heh, Pitt the Elder.
:Barney: Lord Palmerston!!!
:(Barney knocks Moe out too)
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:Mr. Burns: No, Smithers, I've decided to bring in a few ringers. Professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "3-Finger" Brown...
:Smithers: Sir?
:Mr. Burns: What is it, Smithers?
:Smithers: I'm afraid all those players have retired and... passed on. In fact, your right fielder has been dead for 130 years.
:Mr. Burns: Damnation! Alright, find me some good players. LIVING players! Scour the professional ranks. The American League, the National League, the Negro League!
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: [All the kids are shouting Pick Me! So Ralph and Bart can choose their teams for their own softball game]
:Ken Griffey Jr.: Pick Me! Pick Me!
:Ralph: I pick Ken Griffey Jr..
:Bart: Aw, geez. Okay, I pick, Milhouse.
:[Wade Boggs walks by]
:Ralph: Hey Mr. Boggs, will you be on my team?
:Wade Boggs: You got yourself a player. [He goes over the fence]
:Bart: Damn. Okay, I pick. Lewis.
:[José Canseco walks towards the boys for the game]
:Ralph: I'll take José Canseco.
:Bart: D'oh!
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:(Don Mattingly returns to the field wearing a mohawk hairdo after Mr. Burns asked him to shave off his sideburns, which never existed in the first place.)
:Mr. Burns: (gasps) Mattingly! I thought I told you to trim those sideburns! GO HOME!!! YOU'RE OFF THE TEAM, FOR GOOD!!!
:Don Mattingly: Fine! (to himself) I still like him better than Steinbrenner.
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:Mr. Burns: (checking his watch) It's almost game time, Smithers! Where the devil are my ringers?
:Smithers: (reading from a clipboard) Sir, Mike Scioscia may not live through the night... Steve Sax is looking at six consecutive life sentences... and Ozzie Smith seems to have vanished off the face of the Earth.
:(Cut to Ozzie Smith trapped in the mystery spot, still falling)
:Ozzie: Aaaaaaaaaaah! (Einstein's formula floats past Ozzie. He takes a picture of it) Cool! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
:Mr. Burns: What about Canseco?
:(Cut to José Canseco carrying a dryer across the lawn which is covered by rugs, chairs and other appliances. He sets the dryer next to another appliance) 
:Woman: The dryer goes on the right.
:Canseco: Yes, ma'am (Canseco moves the dryer to the right of the other appliance). 
:Mr. Burns: What about Clemens?
:Smithers: Sir, he's in no condition to play.
:(Camera pans out to reveal he's clucking like a chicken)
:Mr. Burns: That damn hypnotist! (storming over to him) YOU! Look what you've done! My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken! Make no mistake, I'm going to report this to the American Hypnotical Association!
:Hypnotist: (using his pendulum on Burns) But I did a job... A good job...
:Mr. Burns: Oh well. I guess it's not your fault. You did a good job.
:Homer's Brain: [When listening to Mr Burns' softball rambling] Uh oh I don't like what he's saying, I wish I was at home with a bag of potato chips, mmmm... Potato Chips [drools].
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:Hypnotist: You will give 110 percent.
:Players: That's impossible. No one can give more than 100 percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.
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:Steve: (driving through Springfield) What a nice little town. Maybe I'll buy a home here when I retire. (hears police sirens. He stops his car. Eddie and Lou pull up behind him and walk up to his window.) What seems to be the problem, officers?
:Eddie: That's enough out of you, smart guy.
:Lou: (points gun at Steve) Reach for your license. (puts safety on) Slowly. 
:(Steve hands over his license)
:Eddie: Well, well. Steve Sax from New York City.
:Lou: I heard some guy got killed in New York and they never solved the case. But you wouldn't know anything about that, now would you Steve? (he and Eddie start laughing)
:Steve: But there's hundreds of unsolved murders in New York!
:Lou: (levels his gun at Steve) You don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you Saxy boy?
:(Cut later to Sax sitting in jail. Wiggum, Eddie and Lou are standing outside the cell talking)
:Wiggum: Nice work, boys. I think we can close the book on just about every unsolved crime in our fair city.
:Steve: (stands up) Don't I at least get to call my lawyer?
:(Wiggum and Eddie leave)
:Lou (points at Steve) You watch too many movies, Sax.
:(Steve sits back down and laments his cruel fate)
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:Ozzie Smith: (he is at the Springfield Mystery Spot in front of the paying booth) How long does it take to see this thing? I'm kind of in a hurry.
:Employee: Well, it's hard to say, my friend. Once you go in, you may never come out.
:Ozzie: (amazed) Wow! One, please! (he pays a dollar and walks into shack opposite the booth. As soon as he enters, screaming is heard as he falls through the mystery spot)
:Employee: (chuckles)
es:Homer at the Bat/Frases
Category:Episode Quotes