Minor Character Story: Their Time to Shine

==Chapter 1 - Evil Meeting of Evilness==
In the Ice Palace...
A figure walks inside of a meeting room and sits down. Soon, several other figures walk in and sit down. The lights come on...
Revealing several of the villains that have been defeated so far. Astra, Kuipter, Aox, Poxten, and Dr. Sand sit at a desk. A TV soon floats down. The screen turns on to reveal none other then Lodin.
Lodin: SAXXZAZXAXCXXCZXZX.
Astra: ... Come again?
A translator turns on.
Lodin: I HAVE BROUGHT ALL OF YOU BACK TODAY TO SERVE ONE PURPOSE...
Astra: Hmph. I'm glad you got me off of that blasted sun, anyways... Why is Revelian in here??
Lodin: THAT IS KUIPTER, REVELIAN'S INSANE BROTHER.
Astra turns to him and smiles. Kuipter simply glares back at her.
Kuipter: Why the fuck is Obama here?
Aox: I AM NOT OBAMA, YOU ONE-EYED PIPE SNAKE!!
Kuipter: OBAMAMAMAMAMAAAAN!!
Lodin: SILENCE. AS I WAS SAYING... I HAVE BROUGHT YOU ALL HERE TODAY TO SERVE ONE PURPOSE...
On the screen, several images flash, showing each of the villain's defeats.
Lodin: SEPARATED, WE ARE WEAK. BUT UNITED... WE HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY THOSE THAT HAVE WRONGED US MOST!!!
Kuipter: Like my brother...
Astra: And my ignorant sister.
Aox: AND THAT STUPID SQUATTING MORON...
Poxten and Dr. Sand remain silent.
Lodin: WE WILL UNITE OUR STRENGTHS AND DEFEAT OUR ENEMIES. THEN THIS WORLD WILL BE OURS. NOW, CONGREGATE WITH EACH OTHER.
The TV floats away.
Kuipter: Seriously, who the fuck invited the Blue Man Group??
Aox: I AM NOT A "BLOO-MAN" EITHER!!!
Kuipter: Sure you're not! And I'm not a one-eyed, insane Negative!
Astra: So, you're Revelian's brother, no?
Astra shows off her iron putter. Kuipter simply grins.
Kuipter: I like where this is going. 
Dr. Sand: ... Why am I here...?
Poxten: Hmph. They're just using my palace as a base of operations...
Dr. Sand: O...K...???
Aox: WE NEED A GROUP NAME!! SOMETHING DARK, SOMETHING EVIL, SOMETHING THAT STRIKES FEAR INTO PEOPLE'S HEARTS!!
Kuipter: Kuipter and his putters.
Astra: Yeah, no. I'm better at minigolf than you. We have an army, don't we?
Kuipter: Hehe, we'll see who's better at the windmill cours-
Poxten: Of various Crux underlings, Negative drones, and Sand Henchmen, yes. Plus your army, and those... blue things.
Astra: Then we are the Solar Empire.
Kuipter: That name sucks. We're not an "Empire".
Poxten: ENOUGH INSOLENCE. I WILL NAME OUR GROUP! WE ARE THE DOMINATING INSTIGATIONARY COMBATIVE KARMIC SQUAD.
Kuipter: ...Take the first letter out of each of those names.
Poxten: Er, Ok... D-I-C-OH GOD DAMNIT.
Dr. Sand finally stands up.
Dr. Sand: Team Evil.
He sits down.
Kuipter: ... Lame, but hey. It's better then the stupid deer-thing's suggestion. And it's a helluva lot better then being called "DICKS". I vote for that, since no one else will vote for anything but their own fucking names.
Astra: So rude.
Kuipter: Bêb, by the end of this, you know we're gonna play minigolf. So shut up.
He grins again. Astra rolls her eyes. The TV soon floats back down.
Lodin: HAVE WE REACHED A DECISION??
Kuipter: Yeah yeah. Team Evil.
Lodin: HOW... PLAIN.
Kuipter: THEN YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING YOU MECHANICAL FREAK.
Astra: Kuipter, please. Sit down. Stop making a mockery of yourself.
Kuipter angrily sits down.
Lodin: FINE. NOW THEN... ATTACK IDC HEADQUARTERS!
They all stand up.
Lodin: TEAR THEM ALL TO PIECES!!!
They all run out of the palace towards IDC!!
==Chapter 2 - Lazro Being Lazro==
Lazro continues to pound at IDC Corp's doors.
Lazro: ... Wait, why am I here?? Revelian is off on his honeymoon with Umbra, Zach and Karelia went somewhere else for a date, and Jast went to visit the Inactivity Isle.
He hears something rumble behind him.
Lazro turns around to see Team Evil running towards him.
Lazro: OH MY SWEET HOLY F-
Lazro gets blasted with a magical blast and sent flying away.
Astra: Got him good, didn't I?
Kuipter: CHAAAARGE!!
They all smash through the door!! But they soon realize that... Well, it's abandoned.
Poxten: ... There's no one here.
Kuipter: Welp, then that means we've won!!
Kuipter walks over to a desk and sits down, putting his feet on it.
Astra: We haven't won anything, they're just not here.
Kuipter: Relax!! Get the armies to start taking over territories. Clearly, no one's here to stop us now!
Astra: Ugh. When this blows up in our face...
Kuipter takes out his 9 iron.
Kuipter: Shut up and get moving, bêb.
Astra spins around and backhands him.
Dr. Sand: ENOUGH. Just get going!
Astra pouts and walks off.
Meanwhile...
Lazro continues to fly. He lands at Samuel's house.
Samuel: *Admires randomness*
Lazro: SAM. WE'VE GOT BIG TROUBLE!!
Samuel: Wait wait what??
Lazro: UGGHHH... KUIPTER... ASTRA... POXTEN... AOX... DR. SAND...
He falls over, passed out.
Samuel: Oh crap.
Samuel grabs Lazro and runs over to Revelian's castle. How did he carry Lazro? WITH HIS ABOVE-AVERAGE STRENGTH!!!
At Revelian's Castle...
Samuel beats on the door. Sauphara soon appears and answers it.
Sauphara: Sam?? What're you and Lazro doing here??
Samuel: IS REVELIAN STILL HOME??
Sauphara: Sorry, he and Umbra left a while ago.
Samuel: AWWW CRAP!!
Sauphara: What's wrong???
Samuel: A BUNCH OF OLD VILLAINS ARE ATTACKING!! AND ALL OF THE MAIN PROTAGONISTS ARE GONE!!!
Sauphara: Oh shit!
Samuel: YEAH I KNOW!!
Suddenly, Squato appears, carrying Rebecca!
Squato: SQUATO!!!
Rebecca: Oh, hi Lazro! Hi... Lazro's friends!!
Lazro regains consciousness.
Lazro: Rebecca?? Squato?? What're you doing here?? What am I doing here?!? WHAT PLANET IS THIS??
Sauphara slaps Lazro.
Sauphara: SHUT UP. You know what's happening, right??
Lazro: A bunch of villains are attacking!!
Sauphara: Yes, we know that.
Rebecca: What?!
Sauphara: Yeah. A bunch of villains Revelian and the others beat are back.
Lazro: Yeah, they were all together, like they've joined forces! Hey, look over there!!
They all turn around to see a bunch of Pragman soldiers.
Lazro: Hey, Sauphara?
Sauphara: ... Yes?
Lazro: TELEPORT US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!
Sauphara teleports them the fuck out of there.
They wind up at Lazro's house.
Lazro: OK THEN. LET'S ALL CALM OUR SHIT DOWN.
Sauphara: ... We're calm.
Lazro: I SAID CALM DOWN!!
Sauphara glares at him.
Lazro: Ok then, so-
Sauphara: CALM DOWN, LAZRO!! LAZRO, RELAX!!
Sauphara slaps Lazro.
Sauphara: CALM DOWN, BRO!!
Sauphara slaps him again.
Samuel: ENOUGH!! Seriously...
Lazro: AHEMEM. Anyways, yeah. All of the villains are back, and if I'm right, they're trying to take over the territories. SO YEAH.
Suddenly, a Blauxolm Bat comes flying towards them!
Lazro: OHSHITKILLIT!!
Elte: Lazro, relax! It's just me, Elte!!
Lazro: Oh, Elte! HAIA.
Elte turns back into her normal form.
Elte: So are these friends of yours?
Lazro: Yeh. Anyways, G-MAN we NEED YOUR HELP.
Elte: Lemme guess, a bunch of villains have taken over the territories?
Lazro: Hey, how'd ya know?
Elte: Oh, well, because complexes are popping up all over the map!
Lazro: OH SHIT!
Sauphara: We've gotta relax. We've gotta take over one territory at a time!
Elte: I saw 5 main bases... So yeh.
Lazro: Ok then... SO. The villains that have returned are... Poxten, Kuipter, Aox, Dr. Sand, and Astra... I wonder how we'll tell which one from which?
Elte: Well, the territories each have their own minions guarding it. I can lead you guys to any of the 5 villains you're looking for!
Lazro: GREAT! So then... Let's make a decision. Who do we go after first?
Squato: LETZ GO AFTER ASTRA!!
Lazro: EEHEHEHEHE NO.
Sauphara: I say we leave a poll!
Lazro: ...Wut.
Sauphara: Just lemme do it...
Sauphara gets on the Fun-Ball Wiki and HEY WHY IS THERE A POLL BELOW?!?
STAGE SELECT!
And, well, the winner was Astra!
==Chapter 3 - Sauna==
(Moves cursor over Astra and presses Start.)
INTRO
Astra appears and turns away from the camera, bending over slightly. She strikes a golf ball off into the distance.
Astra: Come at me, bêb.
READY
Lazro: So, we're going after Astra, huh?
Elte: Yup. Follow me!
The gang follows Elte. They soon wind up... in some sort of sauna.
The 6 approach the entrance. They see a sign.
"Sexy men only!"
Lazro facepalms.
Lazro: Great.
Sauphara: Well, I'm going in there. I don't care.
Squato: ME GO IN TOO!!
Rebecca: Err... I think I'll sit this one out.
Samuel: Same.
Elte: Yeah, me too.
Sauphara: Why??
Samuel: Ehhhhh, you knoooow.
Sauphara: ...Good point.
So Sauphara, Lazro, and Squato go inside. Lazro changes to his shorts, Squato puts on a thong (it's as awkward as it sounds) and Sauphara just takes her cloak off.
Lazro: Didja have to take your cloak off??
Sauphara: Yes, why?
Lazro: It's a bit awkward. I mean... You're Revelian's MOTHER.
Sauphara: So? I mean, it's not like you're doing anything to me.
Squato: WOO LOOK AT ME SQUAT!!
Sauphara and Lazro do not look at him squat. They keep moving. A tall, muscular Pragman comes over towards them.
Guard: Well hey, baby, the sign said men only, but I might make an exception for you... If you'd do me a favor.
Sauphara smiles.
Sauphara: I see what you want.
Lazro: OH GOD REALLY.
Suddenly, Sauphara takes out her driver. Sauphara gives an evil grin.
The guard gives a look of absolute horror. He runs away, screaming. Lazro stares in shock. Squato does squats nearby. She turns away and keeps moving. Lazro just stands there, shakes his head, and runs after her.
Squato: SQUAT! O! SQUAT! O! ... WAIT FOR ME!!
He runs off after them. They soon see a door ahead. There's another sign on it.
"SAUNA 2 - MORE OF IT".
Lazro: *SCARED*
Sauphara: Let's NOT go in there.
Squato: BUT WHAT IN THERE?
Squato charges inside.
Sauphara: Let's not chase him.
Lazro: Quite.
They both turn away and run down a different hallway. They spot a few Pragmans walking towards them.
Lazro: Oh crap.
Guard: Hey! INTRUDERS!!
===Battle: 3 Royal Guards!===
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Royal Guard 1 took 1029 damage!
Sauphara used PSI Freeze!
Royal Guard 1 took 3049 damage!
Royal Guard 1 was defeated!
Royal Guard 2 slices with a sword!
Lazro took 2039 damage!
Royal Guard 3 slices with a sword!
Lazro took 2409 damage!
Lazro used the IRONGLOW KEY!! It became a Yellow Devil! (Megaman)
The Yellow Devil attacks!!
Royal Guard 2 took 9059 damage!
Royal Guard 2 was defeated!
Sauphara used PSI Freeze!
Royal Guard 3 took 3201 damage!
Royal Guard 3 was frozen!
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Royal Guard 3 took 1904 damage!
Royal Guard 3 was defeated!
YOU WIN!!
Lazro: WELL DAT WAS EASY.
Sauphara: Quite. Let's go.
Suddenly, Squato smashes through a wall.
Squato: HAY GUYS!! I SAW ALL OF THESE MEN AND THEY HAD BIG GOLF STICKS AND NICE POSTURE! AND THERE WERE THESE LITTLE GOLF BAGS! AND THEY YELLED "FORE" WHEN THEY GOT A GOOD STRIKE!!
Lazro: *SCARED*
Sauphara: ... Squato, we're going to have a special talk when this is over.
They all move on. They wander around the sauna some more.
Lazro: ... I think we're lost.
Sauphara: No kidding.
Squato: SQUAT! O! SQUAT! O!
Lazro: CAN YOU SHUT UP? DO YOU WANT US TO BE CAUGHT?!?!
Guard: Hey, I thought I heard something!
Guard 2: Over there!!
Lazro: *Facepalm*
===Battle: 2 Royal Guards, 1 Dark Royal Guard===
Lazro used the HAIRPIN! It became an Instant Microwave Oven!
Lazro: Wut.
Lazro threw the Instant Microwave Oven! BONUS FOR LETTER I!
Dark Royal Guard took 920 damage!
Sauphara used PSI Fire!
Royal Guard 1 took 1495 damage!
Royal Guard 2 took 1203 damage!
Dark Royal Guard didn't take any damage!
Sauphara: Urgh, those darker guards resist magic!
Squato attacks!
Royal Guard 1 took 3094 damage!
Royal Guard 1 was defeated!
Royal Guard 2 launches light magic!
Sauphara took 4930 damage!!
Sauphara was knocked down!
Second attack!
Royal Guard 2 slices with a sword!
Lazro took 2103 damage!
Dark Royal Guard launched dark magic!
Lazro took 7096 damage!!
Lazro got hurt and collapsed...
Sauphara used PSI Freeze!
Royal Guard 2 took 4932 damage!
Royal Guard 2 was defeated!
Squato throws a powerful punch!
Dark Royal Guard took 2394 damage!
Dark Royal Guard slices with a sword!
Squato took 5940 damage!
Sauphara slices with her sword!
Dark Royal Guard took 1293 damage!
Squato jumps forward and used SQUATO SMASH!!
Dark Royal Guard took 4059 damage!
Dark Royal Guard was defeated!
YOU WIN!!
Lazro gets to his feet.
Lazro: Those dark guys... Aren't they Umbra's guard?? They must all be under Astra's payroll... Traitorous bastards.
Sauphara: They're mercenaries. They work for money. I wonder why they have dragon wings, though??
Squato: HE HAVE NO STICK :(
Sauphara facepalms.
Sauphara: Let's just keep moving...
They keep moving because he was knocking on the door.
They soon reach a last door. On the door is "KEEP OUT. BUSINESS IN PROGRESS."
Sauphara: Do we risk it?
Lazro: Do we have a choice? Let's hope we don't see- or hear- anything else sickening.
Lazro opens the door. Inside is something sickening. HURRRR.
Kuipter sits on a bench nearby, facing the gang. His eye is squinted, and he looks... focused. Down between his legs is his putter, his yellow golf ball, and his tee - and, of course, Astra, head to the floor, one eye open, lining up the shot.
Lazro: *Facepalm* DID WE REALLY HAVE TO SEE THAT?!
That catches both of their attentions.
Sauphara: You have bad taste in women, son.
Kuipter: UGH, CAN'T YOU FUCKERS READ THE SIGN!?! WHY THE FUCK IS MY MOM HERE?! THAT'S IT, BAILING!!
Astra: What, you're going to leave me to fight them?!
Kuipter: THIS AIN'T MY STAGE!
He flies through the roof. Astra stands up, irritated.
Astra: Hmph! Couldn't even get to finish. Oh well, we'll wrap that up later...
She spins towards the gang, eyes glowing.
Astra: Now then... You little shits must be the "minor" characters, huh? I'll eliminate all three of you. Now then...
===Boss: Astra===
Lazro used the HAIRPIN! It became... A mudball.
Lazro throws the mudball! It splashes all over Astra!!
Astra: WRETCHED FILTH!!
Astra must take a turn to clean it off! (BECAUSE SHE'S PAMPERED LIKE THAT)
Sauphara uses PSI Freeze!
Astra didn't take any damage!
Squato throws a punch!
Astra takes 405 damage!
Astra wipes the mud off of her!!
Lazro used the HAIRPIN! It became an RPG!
Lazro fires the RPG!
Astra takes 2239 damage!
Sauphara slices with her sword!
Astra takes 410 damage!
Squato leaps forward and used SQUATO SMASH!!
Astra takes 1023 damage!
Astra charges up energy and unleashes a massive fire-wall!!
Lazro takes 8960 damage!
Sauphara takes 4059 damage!
Squato takes 9102 damage!!
Lazro uses the IRONGLOW KEY!! It became an energy sword!
Lazro attacks with the energy sword!
Astra takes 1302 damage!
Sauphara fires bloody tears!
The gang recovers 9000 HP!
Squato jumps forward and uses SQUATO SMASH!!
Astra takes 1293 damage!
Astra launches light magic!
Sauphara takes 39492 damage!
Sauphara got hurt and collapsed...
Lazro: OH SHIT.
Lazro used the HAIRPIN! It became medicine!
Sauphara was revived!
Sauphara launches dark magic!
Astra takes 3049 damage!! Astra was knocked down!
Lazro: FINALLY A WEAKNESS.
Second attack!
Sauphara launches dark magic!
Astra takes 3929 damage!! Astra leaps to her feet!
Astra: Hmph. I see you're determined. Fine, I'll let you live... for now, anyways.
Astra teleports away!
YOU WIN!!
Lazro: YEY WE WON!
Sauphara: That's one territory taken over, at least...
Squato: SQUATO!!!
Lazro: Yeah, let's get out of here and plan our next move...
They head out and meet the others.
Sauphara: Ok, then, let's plan our next move...
Sauphara hacks into Fun-Ball and GOD DAMNIT POLLS.
STAGE SELECT UPDATED!
Sauphara: Ok, now we're going after Dr. Sand.
Lazro: Last time I saw him he was crazy and he hung himself but was still alive.
Sauphara: Most likely Kuipter's work.
Samuel: I wonder what Kuipter is doing...
Lazro: I DON'T.
Elte: ... Do I need to explain where this guy is?
Everyone else: Desert area?
Elte: Yup.
Sauphara: Count me out for that area. I hate deserts.
Squato: ME NOT LIKE HOT PLACE :(
Lazro: *Facepalm* Fine, come on everyone else.
Lazro, Elte, Rebecca, and Samuel head off.
==Chapter 4 - 99% Less Golf Jokes==
(Moves cursor over Dr. Sand and presses Start)
INTRO
Dr. Sand pulls out two golden revolvers, and spins then around.
Dr. Sand: Listen to my song...
READY
Lazro: So yeah, let's go to the desert.
Samuel: Dessert!
Lazro: Shut up, Sam.
They shove off towards the Desert series. They see a giant building.
Samuel: Welp, there it is.
They spy a couple of Sand Henchmen guarding the front door.
Samuel: Hey, it's the good-old, weak Sand Henchmen!
They charge the henchmen!
===Battle: 3 Sand Henchmen===
Lazro used the HAIRPIN! It became an (H)AIR(PIN)PLANE! SUPER MORPH!!
Sand Henchman launches a homing missile!
Lazro got hurt and collapsed...
Lazro: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
LAZRO GOT HURT AND COLLASPED...
Samuel activated the SPEED AMPLIFIER!! The team can attack twice now for 3 turns!
Rebecca used PSI Healing!
Lazro was revived!
Lazro: HOW DID YOU USE THAT?!
Rebecca: I've been training!!
Elte transforms into Aox!! ...But cannot do so!!
Elte: What?!
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Sand Henchman 1 took 2019 damage!
Second attack!
Sand Henchman 1 avoided the attack!
Samuel unleashes a flaming slash!
Sand Henchman 1 took 1029 damage!
Sand Henchman 1 was defeated!
Rebecca fires an ice laser!
Sand Henchman 2 was frozen!
Elte transforms into a Blauxolm Goliath!
Sand Henchman 2 is frozen!
Sand Henchman 3 throws a bomb!
Lazro takes 2019 damage!
Samuel takes 2301 damage!
Lazro launches a fireball out of the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Sand Henchman 2 takes 3092 damage!
Sand Henchman 2 was defeated!
Samuel charges up a mega-slash!!
Rebecca fires a thunder laser!
Sand Henchman 3 takes 102 damage!
Elte throws a punch!
Sand Henchman 3 avoids the attack!
Lazro does nothing.
Samuel unleashes a mega slash!!
Sand Henchman 3 took 4930 damage!!
Sand Henchman 3 was defeated!
YOU WIN!!
Lazro: Well, they've gotten a bit stronger.
Samuel: Still no match for us!
Elte: How... how did I not transform??
Lazro: Maybe it's because Aox was brought back to life.
Elte: Makes sense.
Rebecca: Alright, then, let's go!
They proceed, tearing through some Sand Henchmen that I'm too lazy to add. They soon arrive at a gate guarded by 3 Elite Sand Henchmen.
Lazro: Oh boy, these guys look tough.
Samuel: Bring em on!
===Battle: 3 Elite Sand Henchmen===
Lazro activated the HAIRPIN!! It became a super-bomb!
Lazro throws the Super Bomb!
Elite Henchman 1 took 1029 damage!
Elite Henchman 2 took 1394 damage!
Elite Henchman 3 took 1201 damage!
Samuel uses a flaming slash!
Elite Henchman 1 took 960 damage!
Rebecca fires an ice laser!
Elite Henchman 2 was frozen!
Elte transforms into a Blauxolm Goliath!
Elite Henchman 1 fires an energy pistol!
Lazro takes 4039 damage!
Elite Henchman 2 is frozen!
Elite Henchman 3 fires an energy pistol!
Elte takes 3594 damage!
Lazro activated the HAIRPIN! It became an SMG!!
Lazro fires the SMG!
Elite Henchman 3 took 6059 damage!!
Elite Henchman 3 was defeated!
Samuel charges up a mega slash!
Rebecca fires a flame laser!
Elite Henchman 1 took 2019 damage!
Elte throws a punch!
Elite Henchman 1 took 1394 damage!
Elite Henchman 1 was defeated!
Elite Henchman 2 is frozen!
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Elite Henchman 2 takes 1293 damage!
Samuel unleashes a mega slash!!
Elite Henchman 2 took 4039 damage!!
Elite Henchman 2 was defeated!
YOU WIN!!
Lazro: Easy. Let's go!
They go into a door the defeated henchmen were guarding.
Inside, Dr. Sand was turned away from them, hastily typing on what looked to be a large monitor. The door slams shut behind them, causing Dr. Sand to spin towards them, armed with two large revolvers.
Dr. Sand: Oh... It's just you. I expected that you would come...
Lazro: Why are you doing this, Dr. Sand? You used to be a brilliant researcher... And now you've lowered yourself to this??
Dr. Sand: After my daughter died, I fell on the path of evil... I lusted for revenge... But sadly, that day will never come.
Lazro: The bastard that murdered your child is the one-eyed cycloptic asshole that's on your team!!
Dr. Sand: And you don't think I'm fully aware of that? What am I going to do, walk up to him and get in a fistfight with him?!
Lazro: You could come with us... We plan on stopping their plans... If you came with us, you could definitely get your revenge.
Dr. Sand: I'm afraid that it's too late for me. The only thing that matters now is... our battle.
Dr. Sand aims his revolver at Lazro and cocks it.
Lazro: Damnit...
===Boss Battle: Dr. Sand===
Lazro used the HAIRPIN! It became a revolver!!
Lazro: It's showdown time!!
(Stereotypical Wild West music here)
PRESS THE BUTTON PROMPT WHEN IT APPEARS!
READY...
X
Lazro presses Z.
FAIL
Lazro got hurt and collapsed...
Samuel uses a flame slash!
Dr. Sand takes 1020 damage!
Rebecca fires an ice laser!
It doesn't affect Dr. Sand!
Elte transforms into a Blauxolm Goliath!
Dr. Sand unleashes a flurry of energy-bullets! (You didn't think they were REAL, did you?)
Samuel takes 5069 damage!
Elte takes 6059 damage!
Samuel activates the Speed Amplifier!
Rebecca used PSI Healing! Lazro was revived with 5000 LP!
Elte throws a punch!
Dr. Sand takes 1504 damage!
Lazro activates the HAIRPIN! It became a revolver!
Lazro: OH CRAP.
(Stereotypical Wild West music here)
PRESS THE BUTTON PROMPT WHEN IT APPEARS!
READY...
Z
Lazro presses Z!
Dr. Sand takes 5000 damage!
Lazro: HELL YA.
Samuel changes weapons! He equips the Ice Naginata!
Rebecca fires a thunder laser!
Dr. Sand takes 2102 damage!
Dr. Sand gets knocked down! (Cause lightning turns sand into glass? YAGETIT)
Second attack!
Rebecca fires a thunder laser!
Dr. Glass Sand takes 930 damage! Dr. Sand leaps to his feet!
Elte throws a punch!
Dr. Sand takes 1291 damage!
Dr. Sand fires an exploding bullet!
Elte takes 14093 damage!!
Elte got hurt and collapsed...
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Dr. Sand takes 503 damage!
Samuel unleashes a mega-slash!!!
Dr. Sand takes 2590 damage!
Rebecca fires a thunder laser!
Dr. Sand takes 2905 damage!
Dr. Sand backs up, wounded!
YOU WIN!!
Dr. Sand: D-damnit... Why don't you brats finish me off...!?
Lazro: Because, you're not really an evil villain. You're just a father who got bent the wrong way by his daughter's death...
Dr. Sand: ...
Suddenly, Kuipter appears behind Dr. Sand!
Kuipter: COME ON, OLD MAN! YOU LOST!!
Kuipter grabs Dr. Sand and warps him away!
Lazro: Damnit!
Elte: Well, we won... Let's go back and meet the others.
Suddenly, Lazro gets a communication!
Sauphara: Lazro?! Are you there?! We've got a problem!!
Lazro: What what what?!
Sauphara: Dozens of Negatives are attacking us! We've managed to hide away somewhere, but-
Lazro: Leave this to me...
Lazro: TO THE MOO-CAVE!
(Batman-style transition)
Suddenly, everyone winds up in a large cave.
Sauphara: ...How...?
Lazro: The Random One? Doi!! So anyways, TIME TO PLAN OUR NEXT MOO-VE!
Sauphara slaps him upside the head for that pun. She then hacks onto DAMNIT POLLS!!!
==Chapter 5 - RETURN OF BLUEMAN==
Lazro: Oh great. Aox.
Sauphara: He looks... weird.
Lazro: Yeah, I know.
Elte: He's "SUPPOSEDLY" invincible.
Squato: HE GOT MELTED BY LAVA :)
Lazro: Then how did he come back?? How are ANY of these villains back?! All of them either died or were sealed away! The only one that wasn't was Poxten! Did HE bring them all back?
Sauphara: No way, he's too weak to do that.
Samuel: Alright, who's up for fighting the Blauxolm??
Lazro: I think me, Rebecca, and Squato should go. I mean, we DO have experience fighting these guys...
Elte: What about me??
Lazro: Hmm... LET'S FLIP A COIN.
They flip a coin. Elte isn't going. OH MAH GAWD TEH SUSPENSE
Lazro: Yeah... So, where are they, Elte?
Elte: The bastards took over my mansion!
Lazro: Feh, fitting. Let's go,
Lazro and the other walk off.
(Moves cursor over Aox and presses Start.)
INTRO
Aox stomps the ground once.
Aox: COME AT ME, ASSHOLES!!
READY
Lazro, Rebecca and Squato head towards Blood Mansion.
Lazro: CASTLEVANIA INTRO!
Rebecca: ... You haven't changed a bit, have you?
Lazro: Nope.
They all head inside of the mansion.
Lazro: Ok then... WHAT FIRST?
A key sits on the table.
Lazro: I found the item, "Library key".
Rebecca: What?
Lazro: I don't know why I said that. WHO'S CONTROLLING ME?!?
DMSwordsmaster: I am. Now shut up and move.
Lazro: Well ok the-WOAH WHO SAID THAT?!?
Rebecca: Who said what?
Lazro: VOICES MAN. I HEAR VOICES!!
Rebecca: No, you definitely haven't changed a bit...
So they keep moving and soon find the library! Lazro uses the key and they all head inside.
Eerie music plays, and they hear footsteps ahead...
Lazro: WHAT IS HAPPENING
They move ahead, but don't see anything.
Rebecca: Lazro, you're being paranoid.
Squato: PARAROID!!
Rebecca: No, Squato, that's an enemy from some video game or something.
So Lazro walks towards a desk, and spots a bulge underneath a magazine.
Lazro: LOOK AT ALL THIS GOLFING EQUIPMENT!
Rebecca: Swag.
Lazro ignores the golf magazines and grabs the key. Suddenly...
Standard: HEY!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING DIGGING INTO MY SWINGS!?
A Standard runs towards them! Cue chase music.
Lazro doesn't move. The Standard walks into him.
Standard: ...WHY ISN'T THERE A GAME OVER SCREEN??
===BATTLE: 1 Standard!===
Lazro launches a fireball out of the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Standard takes 1405 damage!
Rebecca fires an Ice Laser!
Standard wasn't affected!
Squato throws a punch!
Standard takes 2495 damage!
Standard bears its fangs and snaps at Lazro!!
Lazro takes 3950 damage!
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Standard takes 1904 damage!
Standard was defeated!
YOU WIN!!
Lazro: Man, I love these katanas. They're much more reliable then the HAIRPIN... Although the HAIRPIN can do a lot of great things... when it isn't so random.
Rebecca: So what about that key?
Lazro: I found the item, "Dungeon key".
Rebecca: ...
Lazro: OH WHOOPS DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?
Rebecca: Let's just go...
They just go. They wander around the house a bit before stumbling into the dungeon. Aren't these segments just getting shorter and shorter?? Well too bad because I'm getting bored with this intro crap.
So yeah they find Aox in the dungeon.
Aox: YOU MEAN THAT ONE GUARD WASN'T COMPETENT ENOUGH TO STOP YOU?!?
Lazro: CAN'T ANYONE GET THAT THIS ISN'T A HORROR GAME!?
Aox: RGH!! AND YOU!! YOU'RE BACK TOO!!
Squato: MEAN PERSON BACK >:(
Aox: I'LL TEAR ALL THREE OF YOU TO PIECES!!
He charges at the gang!
===Boss: Aox===
Lazro used the HAIRPIN! It became a pistol!
Lazro fires the pistol!
Aox was defeated takes 1020 damage!
Rebecca fires a laser!
Aox takes 1201 damage!
Squato throws a punch!
Aox takes 2039 damage!
Aox does a flip kick!
Lazro takes 6059 damage!
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Aox takes 1493 damage!
Rebecca tries PSI Lifeup!
Lazro recovers 3000 HP!
Squato leaps forward and uses SQUATO SMASH!!
Aox takes 4039 damage!
Aox leaps forward and delivers a SHORYUKEN!
Squato takes 9302 damage!
Lazro activates the HAIRPIN! It became an Ice Gun! POWER BOOSTED!
Lazro fires the Ice Gun!
Aox takes 2390 damage!
Rebecca tries PSI Lifeup!
Squato recovers 3000 LP!
Squato leaps forward and uses SQUATO SMASH!!
Aox takes 4596 damage!
Aox fires a HADOUKEN!
Squato takes 15034 damage!
Squato got hurt and collapsed...
Lazro activates the HAIRPIN! It became a XM6000 Machine Gun!
Lazro: WAT?!?
Lazro fires the XM6000 Machine Gun!
Aox takes 14039 damage!!
Aox backed up!
YOU WIN!!
Aox: DAMNIT, YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME! I'VE GOTTEN SO MUCH STRONGER, AND YET I LOSE TO TWERPS LIKE YOU?!? THAT'S FUCKING INCONSOLABLE! I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME!!
Aox teleports away!
Squato: OUCH.
Rebecca: S-Squato! Are you alright??
Rebecca runs over to Squato, who got knocked off of his feet by that Hadouken. However, he manages to climb to his feet.
Squato: ME OK! YOU BEAT BAD MAN??
Lazro: Yup. Aox is down.
Squato: KAYO!
Rebecca, however, is in tears.
Rebecca: Squato!! Don't get yourself hurt like that again!!
Lazro: Yeesh, Rebecca, relax! What, are you in love with the guy or something??
Rebecca: W-What?? N-no!! Don't be silly, I... I don't love him!!
She blushes furiously as she says this.
Rebecca: L-let's just go tell the others that we've won!!
She runs off. Lazro leans over to Squato.
Lazro: I think she digs you.
Squato: DIGGING ON ME WOULD HURT :(
Lazro: *Facepalm*
They both leave and meet up with the others.
Sauphara: So, you've taken care of Aox?
Lazro: Yeah, but he ran away. Like the others.
Sauphara: Ok then, let's start up the last poll.
So POLLS!!
And the winner was Kuipter!
==Chapter 6 - More Awkward Scenes Ahead==
Lazro: Great. Kuipter.
Sauphara: I'm definitely going with you this time.
Lazro: Yeah, we'll need all the help we can get against the Negative hordes.
Samuel: I WANNA GO TOO!
Lazro: OKAY FINE MEH.
(Moves Cursor over Kuipter and presses Start.)
INTRO
Kuipter leaps onto the screen and points an arm cannon at the "camera".
Kuipter: Come get some...
READY
Lazro, Sauphara, and Samuel wind up outside of a large, black castle located near the caverns.
Lazro: Welp, here we go.
They charge in!
And soon get lost inside of the massive castle.
Lazro: URGH. This place is freaking huge!
Samuel: It's really creepy in here...
They continue to wander around the castle.
Lazro: Welp, I ain't seen anything yet... WHERE ARE THE ENEMIES??
Suddenly, 3 Negatives materialize in front of them!
Lazro: I HAD TO ASK, DIDN'T I??
They transform into various forms!!
===Battle: 1 Negative Warrior, 1 Negative Ninja, 1 Negative Samurai (Flame)===
Sauphara suddenly jumps forward!
Sauphara launches a blast of light!
All 3 Negatives were disintegrated!
YOU WIN!!
Lazro: Geez!
Sauphara: We don't have time to mess around. Let's just get this over with so we can end this.
Lazro: Can't you do that to Kuipter??
Sauphara: Sadly, Kuipter is one of my "Children", and is far more advanced than these drones.
Lazro: Damn.
They all move ahead. Soon, they reach a door. On it is "KEEP OUT".
Lazro: Let me peer in...
Lazro quietly opens the door. He immediately slams it.
Sauphara: Look, I don't care what's in there, let's just-
Lazro: NO. YOU NO GO IN THERE. CANNOT UNSEE. ARGSADF NEGATIVE PRAGMAN MINIGOLF BUNKER HOLE 18 AFSDAFDSSD.
Sauphara and Samuel: *SCARED*
So they wait a few minutes.
Lazro: Ok... Let's go.
Lazro peers inside. He sighs. He then kicks the door open.
Inside, Astra and Kuipter leap off of the course, surprised. Astra proceeds to grab her equipment.
Sauphara slaps him upside the head.
Kuipter: UGH. FUCKING HELL! AT LEAST WE ACTUALLY GOT TO TURN IN OUR SCORE CARDS BEFORE THEY BARGED IN.
Astra: Yes, and it was quite fun. But now, I'm out.
She gets into a golf cart.
Kuipter: WHAT?!?
Astra: "This ain't my stage!!"
Kuipter: Urgh, you BITCH.
Astra warps off. Kuipter angrily picks up the clown at Hole 18 and throws it at the gang. Sauphara proceeds to slice it in half.
Sauphara: Son, seriously. Why her of all women?
Kuipter: BECAUSE SHE'S FUCKING GOOD AT LINING UP PUTTS, AND SHE OFFERED TO PAY. AM I REALLY GONNA TURN THAT DOWN?? FUCK NO! BUT THE REST OF YOU FUCKERS... I'M GONNA BLOW YOUR ASSES TO HELL!!
Kuipter charges at the gang!!
===Boss: Kuipter===
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Kuipter takes 1012 damage!
Samuel charges up a mega slash!
Zeronius charges up energy!
Kuipter unloads with his arm cannons!
Lazro takes 8378 damage!!
Samuel takes 9302 damage!
Sauphara takes 3291 damage!
Lazro launches a fireball out of the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Kuipter takes 839 damage!
Samuel unleashes a mega slash!
Kuipter takes 1583 damage!
Sauphara launches a white ball of light!
Kuipter was stunned!
YOU WIN!!
Kuipter: WHAT THE FUCK, MAN!?
Suddenly, Sauphara charges towards the stunned Kuipter! She bends his body over her knee!
Lazro: What.
Sauphara starts spanking Kuipter!
Lazro/Samuel: 
Sauphara starts talking between spanks.
Sauphara: BAD BOY. BOYS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HIT THEIR MOTHERS!!
With that last word, she delivers a powerful spank, sending Kuipter flying out a window. He angrily levitates up.
Kuipter: GOD DAMNIT MOM WHY DO YOU HAVE TO EMBARRASS ME LIKE THAT!?! FUCK!
Kuipter angrily flies off.
Lazro: Wow. So that's over!
The gang teleports out back to the Moo Cave.
Elte: So, did you win?
Lazro: Yep. Just one territory left, and it's probably the easiest. We get to fight Poxten.
Squato: ME WANT COME!!
Elte: Yeah, me too!
Lazro: AWRIGHT DEN LETZ GO.
They head off.
==Chapter 7 - Easy Peasy==
(Moves cursor over Poxten and presses Start.)
INTRO
Poxten levitates up, and spins his staff around!
Poxten: I WON'T BE HUMILIATED AGAIN!!
READY
Lazro, Elte, and Squato wind up outside of a small castle.
Lazro: This is going to be cake, isn't it?
Squato: ME LIKE CAKE! :)
Lazro: *Facepalm* Let's just go.
They go inside of the tiny castle. Inside are 3 Crux underlings and Poxten because they didn't want to give Poxten a nice castle because he SUCKS.
Poxten: ARGH. THEY BROKE IN! ATTACK, UNDERLINGS.
The three Crux underlings charge forward!
===Battle: 3 Crux Underlings===
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Crux Underling 1 took 3920 damage!
Crux Underling 1 was defeated!
Squato throws a punch!
Crux Underling 2 was defeated!
Elte fires a heath-draining beam!
Crux Underling 3 takes 1930 damage!
Crux Underling 3 was defeated!
YOU WIN!!
Elte: Wow, that was... sad.
Poxten: ... I HATE THIS JOB! THE OTHER FUCKING VILLAINS ARE JUST USING MY CASTLE AS A BASE!! URGH.
Lazro: How the hell is everyone suddenly back, anyways?? Dr. Sand, Kuipter, and Aox were killed, and Astra was trapped onto the Pragman sun!
Poxten: Lodin's back..
Lazro: Oh SHIT.
Elte: ... Lodin?
Poxten: A master of corruption or something like that. It brought everyone back to take control of Ludus and get revenge. However, NONE OF OUR ENEMIES SEEM TO EVEN BE HERE. THE ONLY ENEMIES WE HAVE ARE YOU TWERPS. AND NOW I'M BAILING. LATER.
Poxten teleports away.
Lazro: Was that it??
Elte: Yeah... Did we even have to bother with this loser??
Lazro: Apparently not. Now that we've taken control of the territories, what now??
Elte: We've gotta assault the main HQ. According to Poxten, it's his own castle.
Lazro: I know where that is! Come on!
The three run out of the tiny castle.
And the winner was...
Potato.
==Chapter 8 - (Insert Chilled joke here)==
The gang all wind up outside of the Ice Palace.
Sauphara: I expect heavy resistance...
Lazro: We can do this! YEAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Lazro charges inside. The palace is more or less empty.
Lazro: WELL WHERE DAFUQ IS EVERYONE AT?
???: Will you quiet down?
Dr. Sand suddenly appears.
Lazro: JOO!!
Dr. Sand: Yeah, all of the villains are guarding the palace... After we all lost to you, we got sent here to defend the entrance...
Sauphara: Entrance?
Dr. Sand: To the Corrupted Zone.
Lazro: THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING!
Dr. Sand: But enough chit-chat... It's time for round two...
===Boss On Parade 1- Dr. Sand Redux===
Lazro charges in with the Dual Zeronius Katanas!
Dr. Sand takes 549 damage!
Samuel charges up a mega slash!
Sauphara uses PSI Thunder!
Dr. Sand takes 4039 damage!!
Dr. Sand was knocked down!
Second attack!
Sauphara uses PSI Thunder!
Dr. Sand takes 4950 damage!
Dr. Sand leaps to his feet!
Elte transforms into a Blauxolm Goliath!
Rebecca fires a thunder laser!
Dr. Sand takes 2302 damage!
Dr. Sand was knocked down!
Second attack!
Rebecca fires a thunder laser!
Dr. Sand takes 2530 damage!
Dr. Sand leaps to his feet!
Squato jumps forward and uses SQUATO SMASH!
(INSERT REPETITIVE FIGHT SCENE HERE)
Dr. Sand backed up!
YOU WIN!!
Dr. Sand: Hm... failed again... Oh well, I guess it's time to make my exit...
Dr. Sand throws down a sand-bomb and vanishes!
Lazro: WELP DERZ 1 DOWN.
SO THE GANG CHARGES THROUGH THE BASE. EACH OF THE OTHER BOSSES APPEAR AND ARE DEFEATED AND FLEE IN VARIOUS WAYS.
EXCEPT FOR POXTEN BECAUSE HE SUCKS LIKE THAT.
The gang soon arrives at a large rift in space...
Lazro: Think this leads into the corruption zone??
Sauphara: I suspect so...
Samuel: Well, let's dive in!!
They dive into the corruption zone!
WOO PORTALS YEAH!!
Category:Stories
Category:Phi Timeline