Death... Death is Everywhere!

==Description==
Don't look now... it's death, and death is everywhere!
Watch a politician get the boot; a handyman circles the drain; raiders crap out; and we close the books on a famous author.
AIRED ON: JANUARY 20, 2019
==Deaths==
Death #	Event Name 	Date 	Place 	Circumstances of Death
1167 	C**t Punt 	September 13, 2008	Minneapolis, Minnesota 	
A female politician (based on both Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann) visits a zoo opening a new Australian animal exhibit. She stifles her laughter, but looses it upon seeing the platypus. A kangaroo looks offended, and jump-kicks her in the crotch. The blow lands directly on her clitoris, sending massive pain signals to her brain, which causes multiple hemorrhages that kill her.
3105 	Whirl-Fool (aka Circling The Drain) 	August 7, 2001 	Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania	A self-proclaimed handyman has finished making a 10,000-gallon water tank into a giant whirlpool. He tests it by setting the pumps to half-power and getting in. He gets spun several times, but manages to get back to the deck, dizzy and nauseous, but OK. When he tries to turn it off, he mistakenly sets it to full power. Already weakened from the earlier spinning, he gets pulled from the deck, spun, and then pulled under and drowned.
4222 	A Hero (aka The Gangster That Couldn't Shoot Straight)	April 19, 2002 	Virginia Beach, VA 	A gangster is robbing a convenience store spins his gun while the clerk is under the counter. Surprised to see the clerk pull out a shotgun, the gangster quickly aims and fires. Because he was spinning it, however, his gun was still pointed backwards, and the gangster accidentally shoots himself in the head, killing him instantly.
9043 	Fat-Ass-Trophe 	October 11, 2006 	Springfield, Illinois 	A woman weighing 500 pounds want to deliberately gain weight to be 1000 pounds. She begins a "diet" that has her consuming up to 25,000 a day. As her weight goes up, she develops osteoarthritis from extra stress and fat deposits in her joints, back problems, diabetes, kidney and gallstones, and breathing problems. Her over-stressed heart finally quits. Her weight at death was 993 pounds.
1002
(Repeat)	Baltimore Ravine' (aka A Poe-ethic Finale) 	October 7, 1849 	Baltimore, Maryland 	Author Edgar Allan Poe is in a hospital. He was found wandering the streets of Baltimore delirious and in need of medical attention while wearing clothes not of his own. Too incoherent to say what happened to him (save the few times when he shouted "Reynolds"), he dies. As records have been lost, he cause of death is unknown.
6908 	Poop Shoot (aka Dirty Bombed) 	12th Century 	Dijon, France 	A French castle being sieges by German raiders runs out of catapult ammo. The king orders his men to use material from compost heaps, manure piles, and a channel house as ammo. After several direct hits, the Germans flee in disgust while the king and his subjects celebrate. A few days latter, the Germans begin to die from infections and diseases like deadly plague stemming from the material used to repel them.
5287 	Death Magnetic (aka Fatal Attraction) 	January 23, 2001 	Los Ala mos, New Mexico 	Despite warnings not to, a nuclear technician likes to wear her lucky crucifix necklace while working near a particle accelerator. She also has braces that have caused her to be stuck to the neodymium magnets. On this occasion, the order to clear the accelerator is given, but she does not get out before it powers up. Feeling the pull on her braces, she manages to hold on to a support column. Unfortunately, her necklace is still attracted and acts like a garrote that slices her head off. Her now severed head is pulled to the accelerator and her braces stick to the magnets.
Category:Episodes