Notorious P.I.G.

Notorious P.I.G. is the third episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show. It was released on January 14, 2022, and was written by .
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of a gym in Peppa Pig World. It is night. A familiar face is leaving.
Narrator: This is Peppa’s playgroup teacher, Madame Gazelle. She is leaving the gym.
[Madame Gazelle walks across the parking lot to her car, only to find that her tires have been stolen.]
Narrator: Oh dear! Someone has stolen the tires on Madame Gazelle’s car!
Madame Gazelle: Oh for fuck’s sake!
[Madame Gazelle looks off into the distance to see a group of kids running off with her tires.]
Madame Gazelle: YOU FUCKING EEJITS! YOU TWATS THINK YOU’RE SO FUCKING CLEVER, DON’T YOU?! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE YOU FUCKING WANKERS! WHY I OUGHTA GO OVER TO YOUR FUCKING HOUSES AND GIVE YOU A BLOODY GOOD- (sighs) this can’t be happening to me…
[Mrs. Puff walks over to see what’s wrong with Madame Gazelle.]
Narrator: Mrs. Puff has walked over to see what’s wrong with Madame Gazelle.
Mrs. Puff: You alright love?
Madame Gazelle: Yeah I’m alright, IF YOU CALL HAVING A BLOODY CAR WITH NO FUCKING TIRES ALRIGHT!
Narrator: Madame Gazelle is pissed off.
Mrs. Puff: Oh my. How’d this happen?
Madame Gazelle: Ugh. Stupid hormonal teenagers I guess. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t think I have any spares or anything.
Mrs. Puff: Aw, I don’t think I have any on me either. Hey, I’ll tell you what we’re going to do, we’re going to call Grandad Dog’s Breakdown Service and to thank you for joining me on that spin class, bill’s on me.
Narrator: Mrs. Puff is going to call Grandad Dog’s Breakdown Service to put new tires on Madame Gazelle’s car.
Madame Gazelle: Oh my God, you sure love?
Mrs. Puff: Yeah sure, don’t worry about it. My boat needs refilling anyway.
[Cut to Madame Gazelle riding in the passenger seat of Mrs. Puff’s boat, following Grandad Dog carrying Madame Gazelle’s car to his station.]
Madame Gazelle: …so… I’m sorry, heh, I don’t think I ever got your name?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, oh right I’m so sorry. It’s Poppy. Poppy Puff.
Madame Gazelle: Madame Gazelle.
[Pause]
Mrs. Puff: Yeah?
[Pause]
Madame Gazelle: That’s it, that’s my name.
Mrs. Puff: Your first name is “Madame”?
Madame Gazelle: …yeah.
Mrs. Puff: (smirks) Sorry I just thought you were like a teacher or something.
Madame Gazelle: Oh! Funny enough I am actually! I teach preschool.
Mrs. Puff: Oh my God! That’s so funny! I run my own boating school.
Madame Gazelle: (laughs) Really?! That’s such a coincidence! Just look at us, two teachers chilling together… on our way to a petrol station to get new tires.
[Cut to the three at Grandad Dog’s station.]
Narrator: Grandad Dog is fitting Madame Gazelle’s car with brand new tires.
Madame Gazelle: So sorry for the trouble, Grandad Dog.
Grandad Dog: (barks) No worries at all, it’s my job after all innit bruv? Not yer fault some clowns stole yer tires. Someone oughta be watching those kids I tell ya. It’s a pleasure to serve ya, we’ve known each other since… well, since the Focking Gazelles!
[Pause.]
Mrs. Puff: Since the what?
Grandad Dog: Blimey! You mean to tell me you’ve never heard of the Focking Gazelles?
Mrs. Puff: What the fuck are the Fucking Gazelles?
Madame Gazelle: Oh, it was just a small rock group I was in a load of decades ago before I decided to follow my passion of teaching, it’s no big deal…
Mrs. Puff: Oh wow! I’ve never met anyone famous before!
Madame Gazelle: Well, I’m not that famous…
Mrs. Puff: Could you sing a song please?
Madame Gazelle: Oh, no no, I haven’t performed in front of anyone in decades! Well, I guess there is this one song I like to sing…
Grandad Dog: Please sing us a song, Madame Gazelle!
Madame Gazelle: (blushes) Well, I don’t kn-
Mrs. Puff: Come on! Just one song!
Madame Gazelle: Well I would but I don’t even have a guitar on me!
[Pedro and Mr. Pony walk out of the gas station. Pedro is dressed as a cowboy and holding a guitar.]
Pedro Pony: You could use mine, Miss! (hands her his guitar)
Madame Gazelle: Um… well, alright then.
[Everyone cheers.]
Madame Gazelle: This is… this is a song I like to sing with my pupils sometimes… I- I get a little emotional over it sometimes, the lyrics are so meaningful to me. Please bare with me if I start crying…
[Madame Gazelle strums her guitar.]
🎵OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!🎵
🎵We’re playing a tune, and we’re singing a song,🎵
🎵With a bing🎵
🎵And a bong🎵
🎵And a bing…🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
[Suddenly Ian Hawke from the fucking Alvin and the Chipmunks movies rolls up into the gas station. He gets out of his car and stars and Madame Gazelle singing, fixated. By this point Mrs. Puff has also joined in singing.]
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
[The two stop singing. Ian approaches the group, slowly clapping. Everyone looks at Ian in confusion.]
Ian Hawke: Wow. Wow wow wow wow wow. Just wow. 
Madame Gazelle: Aren’t you the guy who stole the chipmunks?
Ian Hawke: Um…. yeah. I’m the guy who stole the chipmunks. And you are retired guitarist and vocalist for the Fucking Gazelles! And you, (points to Mrs. Puff) I have no idea who you are. But your voice sounds profitable so I like you.
Grandad Dog: (barks) What do you want?
Ian Hawke: That… is a good question, old man. You see I’m an executive at JETT Records, that’s J for JETT Records, E for JETT Records, T for JETT Records, and T for JETT Records. As the name implies we make music, and I can see that you girls do too.
Madame Gazelle: What are you suggesting?
Ian Hawke: Well… I’m just thinking you know, nostalgia is all the rage nowadays and a retired singer coming back and making new music with a new accomplice would make a lot of money, hmmm?
Mrs. Puff: Y- you wanna be our manager?
Ian Hawke: Something like that.
Madame Gazelle: I- heh, look Mr. Guy Who Stole the Chipmunks, I’m flattered but I don’t sing anymore. I’m a teacher now, it’s my passion!
Ian Hawke: (laughs) You’re a teacher, eh? How much you making?
Madame Gazelle: Um… twenty thousand a year?
Ian Hawke: TWENTY THOUSAND?! What if I told you you could be making up to seventy million?
Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff: It’s a deal!
Ian Hawke: I’m glad we’re on the same page, girls. Welcome to JETT Records.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob’s pineapple. Daddy Pig and Gary the Snail are on the couch watching TV and eating pizza.]
Gary: Oh my God I just fucking hate minorities.
[SpongeBob walks by the couch wearing a backpack on his back.]
Daddy Pig: Hey, where are you going? Don’t you want this pizza I ordered?
SpongeBob: Sorry, Daddy Pig, I’d love to stay but I’ve got boating school!
Daddy Pig: …school? …on a Saturday?
SpongeBob: Yeah, I love it! It’s my first day back since Christmas! 
Daddy Pig: Ugh, listen kid, school’s just a big waste of time. I mean, look at me! I failed most of my exams and I turned out just fine!
[Gary glances down at Daddy Pig’s big tummy.]
SpongeBob: Uh…. yeah… Anyway, see you in like seven hours I guess!
Daddy Pig: Oh, see you then!
[SpongeBob runs out the door.]
Daddy Pig: (turns to Gary) So, what were you saying?
[Bubble transition to an exterior shot of Mrs. Puff’s Boating School. SpongeBob skips down the hallway humming to himself. He enters the classroom and is greeted by Mrs. Puff, if Mrs. Puff was the substitute teacher from “Mrs. Puff, You’re Fired”: Sergeant Roderick.]
Sarge: (grimacing) Hello there….
[SpongeBob stops in his tracks.]
SpongeBob: (gasps) Mrs. Puff?! You’re a… trans dude?
Sarge: What? No? You remember me, right?
SpongeBob: Not really, I’ve been coming to this school for twenty years, I’ve seen a lot of faces. Where’s Mrs. Puff?
Sarge: Mrs. Puff is… she’s in a better place now.
SpongeBob: (gasps) First Suzy Sheep and now Mrs. Puff?
[SpongeBob falls to the floor and starts bawling.]
SpongeBob: THEY TOOK HER TOO SOON!!!
[SpongeBob runs out of the room crying.]
Sarge: Huh… I guess someone really doesn’t like the music industry.
[Cut back to SpongeBob’s living room. Daddy Pig and Gary are still on the couch watching TV and eating pizza.]
Gary: No, I’m not saying I don’t like nematodes, I just don’t think they should have rights!
[SpongeBob runs in crying and slams the door.]
SpongeBob: HOLY CRAP! MRS. PUFF IS DEAD!
[SpongeBob falls face-first on the floor. His tears elevate him all the way up to the ceiling.]
Daddy Pig: Who’s Mrs. Puff?
Gary: Papa Bob’s boating teacher.
Daddy Pig: Does she have an OnlyFans?
Gary: She’s dead.
Daddy Pig: Oh…
[SpongeBob’s flood of tears stops and SpongeBob falls to the floor again. He picks himself up and wipes his face.]
SpongeBob: I just can’t believe she’s gone… She can’t be gone! I’d give anything to see her face again!
[Suddenly Mrs. Puff appears on the TV.]
SpongeBob: (gasp) MRS. PUFF!
[SpongeBob hugs the TV.]
SpongeBob: Oh, I knew you weren’t dead! I knew it knew it knew it!!
Gary: Hey, can you get out of the way? You’re blocking the view.
[SpongeBob steps back from the TV.]
SpongeBob: Heh. Sorry.
[Cut to a shot of the TV feed. Mrs. Puff and Madame Gazelle are on a news show opposite reporters .]
Charlene White (on TV): Now this is unexpected, over the last couple of weeks former guitarist of the famous pop group “The Fucking Gazelles” Madame Gazelle has made a surprise solo comeback with new partner in crime Poppy Puff.
Daddy Pig: (stands up and points at the TV) Jew-fucking-Wario! That’s Peppa and George’s teacher! Someone I know is on TV!
Gary: Congrats, do you want a medal?
Charlene White (on TV): The duo’s debut single “The Bing Bong Song” debuted last week and quickly became the most streamed number one single in history. Madame Gazelle and Poppy join us now, hello darlings.
Madame Gazelle: Hi!
Mrs. Puff: Oh my word this is so exciting. I’ve never been on TV before!
Charlene White: Now tell us girls, where did the idea for your debut single come from?
Mrs. Puff: Oh, well you see it was all Madame Gazelle’s idea really.
Madame Gazelle: The Bing Bong Song has a very deep and meaningful place in my heart. You see, after The Fucking Gazelles broke up, I was recluse for years. We had some creative differences and we just had to go our separate ways, and I was depressed because of it. But then, one day, JewWario himself appeared before me and, oh my, he changed my life. He told me all about the bing, and the bong, and the bing, and suddenly it all came clear to me. And then I woke up in hospital and was told I had a drug overdose, but it was okay because I got out and pursued a career in teaching!
Charlene White: Wow… that’s amazing. So what made you go back to music then?
Madame Gazelle: The money.
Mrs. Puff: Yeah! You know we met at a spin class and we just like started playing and vibing together I guess, and then this sweaty guy came up to us and said we could be making seventy million out of this and, well, here we are! (laughs)
SpongeBob: I can’t believe it… Mrs. Puff ditched me… for seventy million dollars! What kind of idiot takes an opportunity like that?!
Charlene White (on TV): …so, after the success of The Bing Bong Song, what are your next plans in terms of your discography?
Mrs. Puff: Oh! We’ve got a whole album planned! Most of the songs are already all written out!
Madame Gazelle: We’re going over to JETT Records later to record a whole bunch of stuff. You see we’ve got The Bing Bong Song 2, The Bing Bong Song 3, and then we’re gonna be fancy and release a prequel actually called The Bing Bong Song -1, which is a good one to look forward to if you’re keen on your Bing Bong Song lore-
[SpongeBob turns the TV off.]
SpongeBob: Alright, I’ve had enough of this. Guys, we gotta get Mrs. Puff back!
Gary: …why?
Daddy Pig: Yeah, why?
SpongeBob: Because… because… I don’t like change, okay?!
Daddy Pig: (sigh) Look SpongeBob… I know change is hard but it’s inevitable. You just gotta accept it sometimes, you know? This Mrs. Puff guy seems pretty happy right now. Maybe we should just let things b-
[Someone bangs on the front door.]
Daddy Pig: Now who could that be?
[SpongeBob, Daddy Pig and Gary answer the door to find Mr. Pony and Pedro standing there.]
Daddy Pig: Oh, Mr. Pony! How you doing?
Mr. Pony: Eh, I could be better.
Daddy Pig: Have you seen the news?
Mr. Pony: Have I seen the news? It’s fucking everywhere, of course I have! We gotta get Madame Gazelle back!
Gary: But why?
Pedro Pony: No Madame Gazelle means no teacher for us, which sounds like a good thing, but our new teacher keeps looking at me funny…
Mr. Pony: His name’s Mr. Renaud or something.
[Pause. Daddy Pig and Gary look at eachother.]
Daddy Pig and Gary: Let’s roll.
[Dramatic music plays and the group literally jump into the car, put their seatbelts on (duh) and start drivi-]
Scott the Woz: Hey all, Scott here!
SpongeBob: Why is Scott the Woz here?
Scott the Woz: No reason, just felt like it.
Mr. Pony: That works for me.
[The dramatic music continues and the group drives off. Cut the group walking into the JETT Records reception.]
Pedro Pony: So… what exactly is our plan?
Mr. Pony: I have no idea, son.
[The group approach the receptionist.]
Receptionist: Hi! Welcome to JETT Records, how may I-
[Gary fucking shoots the receptionist with a gun.]
Narrator: Oh dear. Gary the Snail has murdered the receptionist.
Gary: Problem solved.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Le- let’s just ignore that.
Mr. Pony: Let’s never bring this up ever again.
[The group rush into the elevator.]
Daddy Pig: Oh my, look at all these buttons. What floor are Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff on?
Mr. Pony: I have no idea.
Narrator: Mr. Pony really didn’t think this plan through.
SpongeBob: Heh. Guess we just have to try them all until we find her.
(Time Card: “Two Hours Later…”) 
[Cut to Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff in a recording booth. The two take their headphones off, and look over to the window where Ian Hawke is listening to their vocals.]
Ian Hawke: Alright, very good girls, but I think we just need to try the chorus one more time. We’ve got too much bing, and not enough bong.
[Daddy Pig kicks the fucking the door down. The group enters.]
Mr. Pony: (out of breath) THANK FUCK! THEY’RE HERE!
Daddy Pig: And it only took us fifty-two floors as well! Ho-ho!
Ian Hawke: Hey, um, excuse me… who are you all again?
SpongeBob: Oh, my name’s SpongeBob SquarePants. You may know me from the show SpongeBob SquarePants. And this is my pet snail Gary, and that’s Daddy Pig, and tha-
Mrs. Puff: SpongeBob! What the hell are you doing here!
SpongeBob: Oh hi, Mrs. Puff! We came to rescue you from this evil corporation! Quick! If we take off now we could get away before anyone catches us!
Madame Gazelle: Evil? This place isn’t evil! We’re just recording a collaboration with Ariana Grande, we’re gonna be filthy rich!
Pedro Pony: Wait… so you don’t want to come back, miss?
Madame Gazelle: Aw, I’m sorry Pedro, I loved teaching you but this is my new life now. I like it here!
Mr. Pony: But- but I thought teaching was your passion!
Madame Gazelle: Heh, well it was… and then I came here and now I’m actually getting paid!
Ian Hawke: Teachers are really underpaid, it's not even funny.
Narrator: Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff don’t want to go home.
SpongeBob: …huh, okay… I- I didn’t really think it would be that hard to convince them.
Gary: (sigh) …alright, there’s only one thing we can do then. (cocks his shotgun)
SpongeBob: GARY, NO!!!
Mr. Pony: Wait, there’s a Plan B!
Mrs. Puff: Plan B?
Mr. Pony: Madame Gazelle, Mrs. Puff… we challenge you to a sing-off!
Madame Gazelle: (gasp) A sing-off?
Mr. Pony: If you win, we fuck off and you never see us again. If we win, everything goes back to the way it was eleven Google Doc pages ago.
Mrs. Puff: What?! We can’t agree to those conditions!
Ian Hawke: Ha! The pony thinks he can sing, how cute. We accept your challenge!
Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff: What?!
Ian Hawke: It’ll be a piece of cake, girls, trust me.
Pedro Pony: But daddy, you can’t sing!
Mr. Pony: I know I can’t, but Daddy Pig can!
Daddy Pig: Eh? What?!
Mr. Pony: Come on, Daddy Pig! Why did you think we brought you here in the first place?!
Daddy Pig: But… but… I can’t sing! All I do is sit on the settee all day and watch the tele-box!
Mr. Pony: But you can rap, can’t you?
Daddy Pig: Well… I do suppose I am a bit of an expert at throwing down on the track and spitting some bars.
Mr. Pony: Perfect! Now all we need are some unbiased judges!
Scott the Woz: I think that can be arranged.
SpongeBob: Heh, I forgot you were here.
Scott the Woz: Me too. I just need to… 
[Scott the Woz takes his phone out and sends a couple text messages. Suddenly Jebediah Jab and Rex Mohs climb in through the window.]
Jeb Jab: It’s the Gex fucks! Anyone up for round Gex?
Rex Mohs: Hey, I thought this was the anti-sex convention!
Scott the Woz: Okay, I’m just speaking theoretically here, but what if I lied about both of those things to you, and I actually needed you here to help me judge a sing-off?
Rex Mohs: Eh, I’ve got no plans for today.
Jeb Jab: Yeah, same. I was just planning to play Gex all day.
Rex Mohs: God I hate that lizard.
Ian Hawke: Great! Then we can begin. We’ll have these fuckers out of the building in no time…
Narrator: It is time for the sing-off to begin.
Ian Hawke: Ladies first… Let’s show them how it’s done girls…
Madame Gazelle: Okay… you ready, Puff?
Mrs. Puff: As ready as I’ll ever be.
Ian Hawke: Okay, and a one, and a two, and a-
Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff: 🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
🎵BONG BING BOO🎵
🎵BING BONG BING🎵
🎵BING BONG BINGLY BUNGLY BOO🎵
[Scott the Woz, Jeb Jab and Rex Mohs give a small applause.]
Jeb Jab: Whooo!
Rex Mohs: Eh, I’d say it has too much bing and not enough bong. Six out of ten.
Scott the Woz: Yeah, same. Madden 0-eight out of ten.
Jeb Jab: That was the best Gex I’ve ever Gex’d. Two out of ten.
Ian Hawke: Ha! That’s… well I can’t be bothered to do the Math but I assume that’s a good score on average. You guys have no chance, take it away Daddy Pig!
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Um…
Narrator: Daddy Pig is a bit shy.
SpongeBob: Go on, Daddy Pig! Show them what you’ve got!
Mr. Pony: Yeah! Show them who you really are, Notorious P.I.G.!
Daddy Pig: Well… okay….
[Daddy Pig steps forward and rap music starts playing.]
Daddy Pig: Okay…. here goes…. (clears throat)
🎵DADDY PIG UP IN THIS HOEEEEEEEEE🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK IT WATCH ME ROLLLLL🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK THAT DADDY PIG THAT SUPERMAN THAT OHHHHH🎵
🎵NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH🎵
🎵I’M JOCKING ON YOUR BITCH ASS🎵
🎵AND IF WE GET TO FIGHTING THEN I’M COCKING ON YOUR BITCH ASS🎵
🎵YOU CATCH ME AT YOUR LOCAL PARTY🎵
🎵YES I CRANK IT EVERYDAY🎵
🎵HATERS GETTING MAD CAUSE I GOT ME SOME BATHING APES🎵
🎵DADDY PIG UP IN THIS HOEEEEEEEEE🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK IT WATCH ME ROLLLLL🎵
🎵WATCH ME CRANK THAT DADDY PIG THAT SUPERMAN THAT OHHHHH🎵
🎵NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH ME YOU!🎵
🎵CRANK THAT PIG NOW WATCH🎵
[Mic drop. Everyone stands in awe for a few seconds, before bursting into a round of applause.]
Scott the Woz: I think it’s clear who our winner is.
Jeb Jab: NOW THAT’S FUCKING GEX!
Rex Mohs: Meh, Madame Gazelle and Mrs. Puff were better but only one of those songs had Daddy Pig.
Scott the Woz: Congratulations, Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: …oh my God! Really? Did I actually win?
SpongeBob: You bet you did, buddy!
Daddy Pig: Holy fuck… what do I win?
Scott the Woz: NOTHING!
Mrs. Puff: (sigh) …so… does this mean we have to go back to teaching?
Madame Gazelle: (sigh) I guess so.
[Everyone cheers.]
Pedro Pony: Everyone really missed you, Madame Gazelle.
SpongeBob: And I missed you too, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: I can’t believe I’m going to be teaching ‘’SpongeBob’’ for all of eternity.
SpongeBob: I know! Isn’t it great?!
Madame Gazelle: Well… I guess teaching is where I belong. It is my passion, after all.
Ian Hawke: …wow…. wow wow wow wow wow, I’m impressed at you, Mr. Pig.
Daddy Pig: Why thank you. Say, aren’t you the guy who stole the chipmunks?
Ian Hawke: Um… something like that. Say, Daddy Pig, how would you like a record deal here at JETT Records.
Daddy Pig: A record deal? For me? Why, I’d be-
SpongeBob: Come on, Daddy Pig let’s go.
Daddy Pig: But the nice man here is just about to give me lots of money!
SpongeBob: Yeah, I’m not going through all this again, let’s go…
[SpongeBob drags Daddy Pig out of the room.]
Daddy Pig: EMAIL ME!!!!
[Credits]
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