Broken Math Teacher/transcript

Next Episode: Bad Hair Day (Rewrite)
== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: March 31, 2007
Episode Copyrighted: 2007
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
Episode starts at the Loud House.
Luan Loud: Hey, did you hear the one about the musical comedian who had the crowd eating out of his hand? They didn't, because they were too busy eating out of Mr. Krabs'!
Luna gives Luan an incredulous look while still playing her guitar.
Luna Loud: Don’t you mean a rock ’n roll?
Luan Loud: *chuckles* Don’t be nervous, Luna! You don't win friends with salad!
Little Miss Giggles plays a rimshot, prompting laughter from Tabby and her friends.
Little Miss Giggles: *laughs*
Mr. Krabs: Hey, girls. I'm just getting me formuler.
Luna Loud: *sneers* Well, maybe he was using the rocks to totally crush his act. Just like we’re doin’ right now, eh?
Mr. Krabs: Hey, it's me Mr. Krabs! Can you let me in?
Luan Loud: *rolls my eyes* Oh, you just had to blow! Well, sure Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Thanks, Luan!
Luan Loud: You're so welcome!
Green Rectangle: We're doing our pranks.
Luna Loud: *raises an eyebrow* Love, do you even know the difference between a guitar and a trumpet?
Luan Loud: No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll go kajigger!
Little Miss Giggles plays another rimshot, prompting more laughter.
Little Miss Giggles: *laughs* Guys, that was so funny! *laugh continues*
Green Rectangle: There they are! *knocks on Luna and Luan's room door*
Yellow Rectangle: Hey guys! So, I want to meet Dr. Quatnik!
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Thank you, thank you!
Luan Loud: Hey, by the way. The mic's off.
Luna Loud: Thanks. *flexes with my Anchor Arms* I've been working out.
Luan Loud: Wait, lifting?
Luna Loud: Sure! How else am I gonna be able to work with a heavy meddle?! *launches into a shredding metal riff, prompting cheers from the kids*
Luan Loud: Thank you, thank you! You’ve all been a wonderful audience! And now, it's time for the moment you've all been waiting for!
Mr. Krabs: Huh?!
Yellow Rectangle: She's saying that's her prank.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Okay, here I go. *zaps into math paper* See, simple.
Mr. Krabs: Thanks. You solved your problem.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: So, anyway.
Luna Loud: Stage dive!
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *screams*
Luna Loud: *leaps off the stage, squishes Dr. Quatnik and tackles Tabby into a hug*
Tabby erupts into laughter as she hugs Luna back.
Tabby: Blimey! This is the best birthday I ever had! *looks up at Luan* You really know your stuff, love. Thanks a million.
Luan Loud: *modestly* No problem. But, you really should be thanking Luna. 
Luna Loud: *chuckles sheepishly* Well, when I saw that you had booked Luan for this shindig, I figured I’d volunteer and make this day really special for ya.
Tabby: Aw, you didn’t have to do that for me.
Luna Loud: *smiles and ruffles Tabby’s hair* Maybe not, but I wanted to.
Mr. Krabs: Nothing’s too good for one of me best customers.
Yellow Rectangle: Dr. Quatnik, are you okay?
Dr. Professor Quatnik: I'm fine. Just fine man.
Tabby: Heh. Well, that’s really nice of ya, Luna. Thanks so much.
Luna Loud: Don’t mention it, Tabs. I’m just happy that you’re happy.
Tabby’s Mother: Okay, everyone! Who’s ready for shepherd fairey’s pie and cake?
Tabby: Alright, Mum! *leaves Luna and darts to a large table with the other kids*
Luna Loud: *smirks* I get that a lot more often than you’d think. See, when your hoes and poppin' pillies, man, I feel just like a rockstar like me, you learn pretty quick that your reputation is a powerful thing that can make or break you. Luckily for me, my rep’s pretty solid. And part of that is, well, lots of folks see me as a nice person.
Yellow Rectangle: Dr. Quatnik, come on.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Ouch! This is painful! *walks slowly as hurtful*
Beat.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Gah! My ears are hurting! Make it stop!
Green Rectangle: I think Luna and Luan have a sibling meeting!
Lori Loud: *sighs and massages her temples* Okay, I think that’s literally about all I can take. This calls for an impromptu sibling meeting.
Leni Loud: Are you sure, Lori? I mean, like, Luna has a guest over. We can’t be rude.
Luna Loud: Um, well, these meetings can take a while. It might be a pretty long wait.
Beat.
Lori Loud: Is this girl for real?
Luna Loud: At this point, your guess is as good as mine.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah!
Luna Loud: *bursts out laughing* Mr. Krabs, you're out of your mind.
Mr. Krabs: Luna, I'm sorry. I don't have my room.
Lana Loud: Ooh, I think I actually have one of those in my room!
Lynn Loud Jr.: *facepalms* Oh, for crying out loud. Can’t you take a hint, pal?! You can’t be part of our sibling meeting, period!
Beat.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *offscreen* My ears!
Luna Loud: *moans, buries my face into my palms and muffles* Anytime you wanna use that shovel is fine by me, Lucy. Just put me out of my misery.
Lucy Loud: I still think she needs to be buried in the backyard. Actually, no, I'd rather cremate her, then release her ashes onto that moron Maggie.
Lori Loud: Um, actually…
Lynn Loud Sr.: *shrugs* Well, that was… something. I’ll just go get dinner ready.
Yellow Rectangle: He's in the dining room.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *explodes stove* I got it!
Lynn Loud Sr.: Dang it, the stove is broken.
Yellow Rectangle: Dr. Quatnik, get ready!
Dr. Professor Quatnik: All right! 
Cuts to the sibling meeting in Lori and Leni’s room. Luna has just finished explaining everything to her siblings.
Lola Loud: So, let me get this straight. This new girl is following you around and worshiping you?
Luna Loud: Yeah, more or less.
Beat.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *screams*
Lola Loud: And that’s upsetting to you, why, exactly? I mean, I’d pay good money for someone to do that to me!
Luna Loud: *sighs* Trust me, Lola. You don’t want this. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
Leni Loud: Then, like, why’d you invite her over?
Luna Loud: *groans and facepalms, through gritted teeth* I didn’t invite her over; she invited herself over and just thought I’d be okay with it because I’m so nice. *drum beats*
Dr. Professor Quatnik: My ears!!!
Yellow Rectangle: Okay, you'll get that monster when they're talking to each other, pop out and scare them.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: On it!
Leni Loud: Oh. Well, that’s a little presumptuous of her.
Lisa Loud: You mean presumptuous, Leni.
Yellow Rectangle: Steady, steady, now!
Lucy Loud: Boo! *scares Dr. Quatnik*
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *screams* AAAHHHHHHH!
Squidward Tentacles: What the?!
Leni Loud: Really? Huh. I always get those two confused.
Squidward Tentacles: Dr. Quatnik, what are you doing?!
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Nothing! I was trying to scare them, now Lucy scared me!
Cuts outside of the Loud House.
Squidward Tentacles: *offscreen* GET OUT! *kicks Dr. Quatnik out*
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *cries* I got kicked out by Squidward. None of these things are working.
Yellow Rectangle: Dr. Quatnik, are you okay.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: I'm fine. Totally fine.
Cuts back inside the Loud House.
Lisa Loud: *deadpan* There’s an easy way to remember it, sibling. One’s an actual word; the other is not.
Lincoln Loud: Let’s try to stay focused, guys.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey guys!
Squidward Tentacles: Go away, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: Go away!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: Go away!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: Go away!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: I SAID GO AWAY! I DON'T CARE ABOUT DR. QUATNIK!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hi Squidward.
Squidward Tentacles: *growls*
Luna Loud: *shakes my head* Squidward, calm down. There’s no comparison, bro. At least Clyde has a life outside of Lori. This girl apparently has nothing better to do than to follow me everywhere and tell the world how great I am! The way things are going, she’s gonna crucify me!
Lori Loud: Hmm. Sounds to me like you could really use our help.
Red Rectangle: Yeah!
Uncle Grandpa: Good morning!
Mr. Krabs: I want some me money. Look at the dollar!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Ooh, I know, Mr. Krabs! She’s stalking Luna ‘cause she thinks she’s nice, right? Well, maybe Luna can just put on a reverse act for her and scare her off!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Who, Mr. Krabs?
Lincoln Loud: What do you mean by a reverse act?
Lynn Loud Jr.: You know she can be all selfish, inconsiderate, maybe throw in a bit of a temper…
SpongeBob SquarePants: Lynn, that's a great idea!
Luan Loud: So basically, your plan is for Luna and Mr. Krabs to act like themselves?
All except Luan: *stares at Luan*
Luan Loud: That wasn’t a joke. You do get like that sometimes. Trust me, I know. I’ve lived with you my entire life.
Lincoln Loud: Still, I don't know, Lynn. I don’t think Luna should drag her own name through the mud just to get one girl to leave Luna alone. That sounds like overkill.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I don't get it.
Lucy Loud: I have a simple solution to this. *brandishes a shovel*
Beat.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *offscreen, screams outside*
Squidward Tentacles: *offscreen* SHUT UP!
Lynn Loud Jr.: Speaking of overkill…
Lori Loud: *pinches the bridge of my nose* For the last time, Lucy. You are not knocking her out and burying her in the backyard.
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah, don't care! Put the shovel away!
SpongeBob SquarePants: Calm down, Squidward!
Squidward Tentacles: STOP TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN!
Lucy Loud: Sigh. As far as I’m concerned. *puts my shovel away*
Patrick Star: Luna, you are trying to sit down.
Leni Loud: *sighs* Luna, have you tried sitting down with her and telling her that you feel this way?
Luna Loud: Well, I would if she’d just let me get a word in edgewise. You all saw what she’s like.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: I'm back.
Lana Loud: Yeah, she was kinda pushy.
Lisa Loud: And rather unobservant, might I add. She clearly did not pick up on your body language displaying your obvious discomfort.
Sandy Cheeks: She's given his body for 4 years.
Lori Loud: Well, maybe you should be more direct with her, Luna. Don’t let her talk over you like that. If she really regards you as highly as you say she does, she needs to hear you out and understand that her behavior is not okay.
Squidward Tentacles: What about her?
Luna Loud: *thinks about this for a moment and shrugs* Sounds like as good a plan as any. You really think she’ll listen to me?
Yellow Rectangle: Yeah!
Lori Loud: *smiles* If she doesn’t, you’ll have me, Leni, and Luan to back you up.
Squidward Tentacles: Yeah.
Leni Loud: Totes. You definitely deserve better than this from your fans.
Patrick Star: Yay, Jellyfishing!
Luan Loud: She’s gonna get a firm stalking to one way or another. *laughs* Get it? *smiles warmly* But seriously, we’ve got your back, Luna.
The heroes envelope Luna in a group hug. Lucy starts to leave.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey wait!
Lincoln Loud: Where are you going, Lucy?
Lucy Loud: I’ll be getting a casket ready. You know, just in case.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Well, we're heading to the Krusty Krab.
Yellow Rectangle: Aw, yeah!
Slide transition to the Krusty Krab.
Squidward Tentacles: Oh, Dr. Quatnik! 2 Krabby Patties please.
Screen cuts in the kitchen.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Okay Squidward! *gives 2 math Krabby Patties to the customers* Here are your math Krabby Patties!
Lincoln Loud: Oh no.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Dr. Quatnik, what are you doing to my grill?!
Yellow Rectangle: What the?!
Mr. Krabs: *comes out of my office* Dr. Quatnik, Where do you think you're going?!
Dr. Professor Quatnik: I'm waiting for krabby patties for a few minutes, Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: No krabby patties, you're fired.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: What?!
Mr. Krabs: You were being rude math to the customers, Squidward and the Loud siblings! How's that!
Yellow Rectangle: Terrible, Mr. Krabs. I told him he didn't want the job anymore.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *growls at Yellow* That job was all I *turns evil* had, and none of this would've happened! *offscreen* This is all your fault!
Yellow Rectangle: I'm sorry, I have to go to do some math. *screams and runs* Ahhhhhhhh!
Dr. Professor Quatnik (Evil): *growls, smashes The Krusty Krab front door and starts chasing Yellow*
The glass door shattered.
Yellow Rectangle: *pants while running, then hides*
Dr. Professor Quatnik (Evil): *evil laughs*
Yellow Rectangle: *continues running*
Dr. Professor Quatnik (Evil): You can't get away for this, Yellow math guy! There's nowhere to hide! Nowhere to hide!
Yellow Rectangle: *continues running again*
He hides in his house.
Yellow Rectangle: Whew, that was close. Huh?!
Dr. Professor Quatnik (Evil): *evil laughs and controls demolition*
Yellow Rectangle: Hey, why are you so mean to me, Professor?!
Dr. Professor Quatnik (Evil): Have a wrecking ball idiot! I'm going to destroy your house once and for all! *tries to destroy his house with demolition*
Yellow Rectangle: *screams* AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! I DON'T LIKE IT! I'M SCARED!
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *controlled has stopped because out of gas and turns back to normal* Huh?! I'm out of gas! What did you say?!
Yellow Rectangle: I'm scared. They're scared as everyone is.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *gets out of demolition* Yellow, you're my hero!
Yellow Rectangle: Really?!
Dr. Professor Quatnik: I'm sorry, Yellow! Take care! *sobs and leaves*
Yellow Rectangle: *goes inside my house*
Slide transition to Math School.
Yellow Rectangle: Hey, Quatnik what's wrong?
Dr. Professor Quatnik: My job was terrible.
Yellow Rectangle: What?
Dr. Professor Quatnik: But, I'm a math teacher.
Yellow Rectangle: So, wanna come?
Dr. Quatnik is turning evil again.
Dr. Professor Quatnik (Evil): What did you say about Dr. Quatnik?! *evil laughs*
Yellow Rectangle: Huh?!
Dr. Quatnik turns back to normal.
Dr. Professor Quatnik: I'm just kidding. It's me.
Yellow Rectangle: Wanna talk about math?
Dr. Professor Quatnik: Sure, I love too.
Yellow Rectangle: Oh, Dr. Quatnik.
Yellow Rectangle and Dr. Professor Quatnik: *laughs*
Slide transition to the Loud House.
All: *laughs*
Dr. Professor Quatnik: *laughs*
Yellow Rectangle: This is the best Loud House ever!
Squidward Tentacles: I hate this house.
*It says "THE END" Episode ends*
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