Ascent Engine

== BEGIN PROFILE: ==
Despite being marked as “The J.M. Spear Steam-Powered Galvanic 
Master Miracle!,”  the specimen’s age and documentation seem to suggest 
it was made ten years after the death of the notorious John Murray Spear''
John
 Murray Spear, of course, was the maker of the “New Motive Power” AKA 
Subject ROBOT SEX JESUS due to incidents involving Wilhelm Reich that we
 are not at liberty to disclose.''
This entity; known as 
Subject: ASCENT ENGINE is also referred to as “The New Ark Of The 
Covenant” in its documentation; speaking ferverently about its 
properties as “A Herald Of The True God As Our Father Murray Spoke Of,” 
with hyperbolic descriptions verging on biblical of the mythic history 
of the Great Electricizers, from the era of 150 BCE to the year of 
20[REDACTED], with complete accuracy despite its date of origin.''
It
 was given to the G.U.F.F. at a World’s Fair by the esoteric religious 
order of [REDACTED] who said our organization would “Know what to do 
with it.”''
Subject contains two dials, one reading Off, Low 
and High, the other seemingly broken, with labels seemingly deliberately
 scratched off. When pointed at a specific group of objects in a cleared
 area, and the working dial is turned, steam powered mechanisms appear 
to begin working, and the device exides a prismatic electrostatic field from the frontal protuberance it wraps the objects in, in a process that lasts no more or no less than twenty four hours.''
When
 unwrapped, the items appear to be altered into a form roughly 
considered “higher” by cultural standards, retaining some aspect of the 
item(s) original function but “enhanced”. The modifications are more 
radical at the setting of high, and less radical at the low.
Efforts to use repairative artifacts for the second dial are currently pending. Testing logs to be publically released soon.
== TESTING LOG: ==
FIRST TEST LOG OF SUBJECT: ASCENT ENGINE, by Doctors Ossia and Susans for purposes of testing "base" capabilities on simple items in varying states.
NOTE: [We were unable to utilize typical G.U.F.F. testing space due to its occupation on the scheduled day by weapons testing, which was given priority over ourselves. Our onsite restroom faculties served as a cromulent substitute due to their extreme robustness relating to the incident of [REDACTED]]
Tester: Doctor Ossia
Subject: Dollar store toy soldier
Results on Low Setting: Subject appears as finely detailed miniature in the same scale in unpainted green plastic. Later inspection shows wholly period accurate details for a United States soldier from the era of the second world war, down to the micron
Results On High Setting: What appears to be a green soldier  from a hypothetical "future" war, based on United States millitary plans. Further inspection reveals intricate micron-level detailing regarding emerging technologies at a level not produced at this current time. Further inspection advised
-
Tester: Doctor Susans
Subject: Singular match, unlit
Results on Low Setting: When lit, resulting match would not de-light with even vigorous hydration, and did not appear to sustain damage or cause major convection within the area despite a flame measured well over three times standard. Responded to smothering via sand.
Results On High Setting: Matchstick-sized "plastic" rod with a red tip, which caused combustion in whatever the tip was touched to. Its utility was limited due to attempts to distinguish burning through the sand and through [REDACTED] feet of flooring.
-
Tester: Doctor Ossia
Subject: Singular match, lit
Results on Low Setting: Match would not extinguish upon long term duration, or seem to catalyze any of its lignous matter for combustion, but was found to be extinguishable with simple hydration.
Results On High Setting: Disembodied gold flame that burned at over three times standard. Could be "compressed" and transferred at what seems like mental command. Would hover in air if placed without a "surface" to land.''''
-
Tester: Doctor Susans
Subject: Melted dollar store toy soldier
Results on Low Setting: Green figurine in the same scale with micron-accurate detail of a soldier in the Second World War suffering from white-phosphorous chemical burns. At this occurrence Doctor Ossia temporarily needed to excuse herself for an act of spontaneous emesis.
Results On High Setting: Pictured above, "Future Soldier" figurine melting and seemingly phosphorescing. Subject became animate, and fired several blasts of light from the weapon (Consistent with the impact of a "BB gun") specifically at Doctor Susans. It then turned its weapon upon itself to self-terminate.
-
Tester: Doctor Ossia
Subject: Used Match
Results on Low Setting: Uncut diamond valued at [REDACTED]. Physical properties seem to include unnatural warmth, specimen currently under study.
Results On High Setting: Finely cut reddish diamond with what appeared to be combustive action taking place internally, beyond typical lustre. Specimen currently under study.
-
Tester: Doctor Susans
Subject: Ball of half remaining toy soldiers melted together utilizing remaining matches
Results on Low Setting: [REDACTED]
Results On High Setting: Elaborately designed plaque of green plastic designed in the style of a monument to war victims, imprinted with the full text of the Geneva convention utilizing an elaborately designed font that; upon further inspection; appears to be made of designs of tiny soldiers positioned in the form of letters
-
Tester: Doctor Ossia
Subject: Empty matchbox
Results on Low Setting: Matchbox was stripped of all labeling, opening it revealing a small toy car with flame decals. This appears to be a previously produced mass market piece from the "Matchbox" brand.
Results On High Setting: Same as Low, but within appeared to be a toy from the "ZBots" brand complete with official markings. Upon further research, this design was never produced within the original "Zbots" brand toyline nor considered or conceptualized for production. The figurine also contains a miniaturized flamethrower, seemingly having no means of deposition for fuel in favor of an internally stored source.
== Author Commentary ==
Yep, it’s the G.U.F.F.’s ripoff/homage to the gearbox from SCP, albeit 
with only the “Fine” and “Very Fine “settings because those were always 
the ones I found most interesting. Also connected to John Murray Spear 
because I love me some weird historical trivia!
Also, for the record, this is one of the images I'm the most proud of due to how convincing it came out. So there's that! The top one I mean, the other one I'm kinda dubious on. Tho, it was at least the first test log!
The bathroom detail in the narrative of said test log was based on the pic I had quickly on hand to put the melty soldier in, but it fit well with how cash-strapped and ill-regarded the G.U.F.F. is. And I do hope the writing in terms of defining those characters I talked about before wasn't too subtle.
As per usual with G.U.F.F. stuff, this is free to use as you see fit under a CC-BY 4.0 license so long as I; Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as their creator!
And, if you wanna support me, maybe check out my Patreon, which I previewed this design on ages ago, or even just send a Ko-Fi my way! Every penny is appreciated, and I am eternally grateful for those who donate!
Category:G.U.F.F. Entries