E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR

The Enhanced Xenobiological Period Extraction (and) Restoration Instructor Mentor is a machine designed to discover the secrets behind every item in existence. It can be found in the Experimental Lab.
The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR is a research machine that takes items, and through a process of elimination, allows you to research technology from them. Due to its volatile nature, there is a high chance of the machine backfiring and it's subsystems causing havoc. It uses randomly generated patterns to identify the technological uses of items, meaning that at the start of every shift, it will have a whole new set of uses.
With advanced technology, it can process 99.95% of items, and discover their uses and secrets. Upgrading the parts of the E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR will result in less failures.
==Basic Process==
To use the E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR, it is simple:
# Find an Item with a technological background.
# Insert the Item into the E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR.
# Click the different processing methods to experiment on the device.
# A successful result will give a unique message, and a chance for an event.
*There are relics that spawn in random places through the station called 'strange objects' that are of technological background and can be used with this machine.
==Advanced Usage==
The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR has a variety of uses, beyond basic researching. The different results can be used to combat localized events, or even to get special items.
The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR's OBLITERATE function has the added use of transferring the destroyed item's material into a linked lathe.
The Irradiate function can be used to transform items into other items, resulting in potential upgrades (or downgrades.)
Users should remember to always carry appropriate protection when using the machine, because malfunction can occur at any moment!
At the moment it is only useful to scan strange objects, as most if not all of the results from experimenting are neutral or negative.
==Events==
===Fail===
This event is produced when the item mismatches the selected experiment. Produces a random message similar to: "the Banana rumbles, and shakes, the experiment was a failure!"
===Poke===
Wild Arms: The machine's gyroscopic processors malfunction, causing it to lash out at nearby people with it's arms. 
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions and destroys the banana, lashing it's arms out at nearby people!
Mistype: The machine's interface has been garbled, and it switches to OBLITERATE.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions!
Throw: The machine's spatial recognition device has shifted several meters across the room, causing it to try and reposition the item there.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, throwing the banana!
===Irradiate===
Radiation Leak: The machine's shield has failed, resulting in a toxic radiation leak.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, melting the banana and leaking radiation!
Radiation Dump: The machine's recycling and containment functions have failed, resulting in a dump of toxic waste around it.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, spewing toxic waste!
Mutation: The machine's radio-isotope level meter has malfunctioned, causing it over-irradiate the item, making it transform.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, transforming the banana!
===Gas===
Toxin Leak: The machine's filtering and vent systems have failed, resulting in a cloud of toxic gas being expelled.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR destroys the banana, leaking dangerous gas!
Gas Leak: The machine's vent systems have failed, resulting in a cloud of harmless, but obscuring gas.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, spewing harmless gas!
Electromagnetic Ions: The machine's electrolytic scanners have failed, causing a dangerous Electromagnetic reaction.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR melts the banana, ionizing the air around it!
===Heat===
Toaster: The machine's heating coils have come into contact with the machine's gas storage, causing a large, sudden blast of flame.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, melting the banana and releasing a burst of flame!
Sauna: The machine's vent loop has sprung a leak, resulting in a large amount of superheated air being dumped around it.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, melting the banana and leaking hot air!
Emergency Vent: The machine's temperature gauge has malfunctioned, resulting in it attempting to cool the area around it, but instead, dumping a cloud of steam.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, activating it's emergency coolant systems!
===Cold===
Freezer: The machine's cooling loop has sprung a leak, resulting in a cloud of super-cooled liquid being blasted into the air.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, shattering the banana and releasing a dangerous cloud of coolant!
Fridge: The machine's cooling loop has been exposed to the outside air, resulting in a large decrease in temperature.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, shattering the banana and leaking cold air!
Snowstorm: The machine's cooling loop has come into contact with the heating coils, resulting in a sudden blast of cool air.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR malfunctions, releasing a flurry of chilly air as the banana pops out!
===Obliterate===
Implosion: The machine's pressure lever has malfunctioned, causing it to pierce the space-time momentarily, making everything in the area fly towards it.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR's crusher goes way too many levels too high, crushing right through space-time!
Distortion: The machine's pressure leveler has been completely disabled, resulting in a momentary space-time distortion, causing everything to fly around.
Produces the message: The E.X.P.E.R.I-MENTOR's crusher goes one level too high, crushing right into space-time!