World's Smartest Inventions 6 transcript

narrator: Tonight...
truTV presents...
( woman giggling )
... 20 amazing new inventions
that will help you be healthier...
( woman exhaling )
man: Her lungs look pretty healthy.
narrator: ... get thinner...
woman: Whoo, whoo, whoo !
narrator: ... and live your life drunker.
man: I'm kind of particular about my alcohol. I like it to be served at the exact temperature of my balls.
narrator: But wait, there's more.
man: What are you,( bleep ) nuts ?
narrator: Act now and you'll receive product reviews abosolutely free from our staff of celebrity experts.
Danny: Hey, if you like this, you're gonna love cocaine.
narrator: "truTV Presents"...
woman: Fantastic results with less effort.
narrator: ... "The World's Smartest Inventions."
Brad: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not a real thing.
narrator: Don't wait...
boy: It's like a toy you can eat.
narrator: ... this offer is available... ( bell ringing )... now.
( kids cheering )
woman: Hot dogs. They're as American as baseball and apple pie. Introducing the Happy Hot Dog Man. It brings ordinary hot dogs to life, making lunch time more fun.
Ted: Look, let's face it. Eating is a drag for kids. That's why only 90% of them are obese.
( commentator burping )
man: What about Liver Man or Broccoli Man ?
woman: Just put your hot dog into the Happy Hot Dog Man and close the lid. Now you're ready to cook it into a fun, Happy Hot Dog Man figure--
Brad: So wait, I don't understand quite how the-- Oh, God, son of a...
John: The best thing about these is when they get hot, their legs spread like Jaime Andrews.
Jaime: Oh-hoo-hoo-hoo ! 
boy: It's like a toy you can eat.
man: If there's one thing I don't need help with, it's playing with my wiener.
woman: Add ketchup, mustard, relish, cheese. Make them anyway you please.
Todd: I like to put chili on mine, like it's been in a horrible hot dog car accident.
commentator: Oh, no !
woman: You can get the Happy Hot Dog Man in red for 10.99 and we'll send you the Happy Hot Dog Man in fellow, free.
Kevin: If you need more than one of these things in your house at once, you're just eating too many hot dogs.
woman: And we'll also include a bonus Ketchup Critter and Mustard Monster.
Jaime: You may think the Mustard Monster is cute but it's snot.
woman: Four Happy Hot Dog Men all for 10.99.
man: Listen, we made a serious manufacturing error. You're taking four-- like it or not.
Frank: We've lost the American way. Give me a ( bleep ) Nathen's foot-long, mustard, relish-- bang-- eat it.
children: We love Happy Hot Dog Man !
man: Oh, what are you doing, what are you doing ? Wise guys don't carry their money in a wallet. He carries it around in a wad, like this.
man: What is that ?
man: This is the Broccoli Wad.
Billy: So who ordered the hit on Vincent Pastore's career ?
Vincent: Broccoli Wad fits in your pocket. Easier than a wallet. Broccoli Wad.
woman: It keeps all my cash and cards right here.
Vincent: Broccoli Wad.
Mike: This commercial's kinda Jersey. But I think we can Jersey it up a little bit more with some Auto-Tune.
Marianne: Broccoli Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa-Wa...I can't stop.
friend: Thing's so small, you can take it anywhere.
woman: Sure, you can take it to the gym... ...you can take it to the beach... ...you can take it to the pool.
friend: You can take it anywhere.
man: Really ? Y'know, you can take pretty much anything anywhere... if it's this size.
Vincent: Broccolt Wad. It's tough. It's made of silicone rubber. Broccoli Wad. Fits in your pocket easier than a wallet.
John: Oh, are you kidding me ? I can go in the grocery store and get a ( bleep ) load of broccoli for ten bucks and all the free bands I can carry. Come on, Vinny, you're killing me.
Vincent: Fits in your pocket easier than a wallet.
woman: Or a purse. You should've seen me before I got this. I was digging around-- digging around like a crazy woman-- crazy woman-- woman...
Daisy: I think she is a crazy woman.
Brad: My God, I have seen seizures that look better than this commercial.
Vincent: Forget about it.
man: I won't forget.
Vincent: You forgot. Knucklehead.
man: I won't forget, boss.
Vincent: Forget about it.
man: I won't forget.
Vincent: You forgot. Knucklehead.
man: Forget about it.
Vincent: Wise guys don't carry that wallet. Wise guys don't carry that briefcase.
Kevin: You know what else wise guys don't do, is talk about being wise guys in public.
Vincent: Hey, kid... what do you know about wise guys ?
Kevin: Uh... nothing. I-- I don't any-- I don't know anything. I was just joking. I was just playing.
Vincent: I'm just ( bleep ) with you. Huh ?
man: Get yours today for only $10. But wait, call now and we'll double the offer. That's four Broccoli Wads today for only $10.
Rodger: Four Wads for ten bucks. Forget about it.
man: Y'know, If I weren't in the Witness Protection Program, I would order this.
Vincent: Broccoli Wad. An offer you can't refuse.
man: It dropped, it rolled, it crossed the line, but you don't have time to play seek-and-find. Well, now you can MagnaScribe. MagnaScribe's revolutionary magnetic technology keeps your pen where you need it all the time.
Frank: What the ( bleep ) happened to a pen in the pocket, y'know ?
man: The MagnaScribe pen magnetically attaches to a super-handy pendent digital clock that keeps you on schedule and the pen you need right at your fingertips.
Mike: Finally, a portable clock.
Daisy: Y'know who needs to know about this ? Flavor Flav.
Todd: Don't believe the hype. MagnaScribe is the ( bleep ). Flavor Flav !
man: Look, the MagnaScribe uses patented magnetic-engineering physics to engage the ballpoint roller as soon as you pull it off the clock. Wow. Watch that again.
Roger: Yeah, just what you're looking for there, ladies. Another reason for us guys to stare at your boobs.
John: Hey, honey, what time is it ? Oh, never mind. It's 3:30.
man: And when you're done, just reattach the MagnaScribe and your ballpoint roller hides. It's super simple, super convenient and super fun all rolled into one.
Marianne: I can't find my pen, but I find a lot of other neat stuff.
man: Call now to order your set of two MagnaScribe pens for the incredibly low price of just 29.95.
Bryan: 29.95 ? What's next, you're gonna throw a Lamborghini in there, too ?
Ted: Look, the choice is simple: Would you rather lose a 15¢ pen or pay 30 bucks and constantly wear a stopwatch around your neck ?
man: But hurry, because if you're one of the first 100 callers to order the amazing new MagnaScribe, you'll get another MagnaScribe with two more ink refills and this bonus pocket memo book absolutely free.
Kevin: They say if you're one of the first 100 callers, and you know what my guess is, you probably are.
Mike: Hello, can I still get the memo pad-- what ? Damn it !
narrator: Coming up... the Freedom Flask.
man: I mean, I've heard of "partying in your pants" before, but this has gone way too far now.
narrator: And... dance the fat away.
man: Finally, I can dance without all that pesky standing.
narrator: Plus...
man: Eat up, Doggie.
narrator: ... it's all fun and games, until...
man: What did he do ? You win by collecting Doggie's doo.
Judy: Kids, we can either play Monopoly, LIFE...or Dog ( bleep ).
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
man: Introducing the Rhythm Rocker by Kymaro.
woman: Dance it away.
man: The rocking, crunching, rolling workout system.
woman: Whoo, whoo, whoo!
man: Unleash the dancer in you.
Danny: I've been in a couple of dances, but I've never had a dancer in me. (rim shot)
Mike: This is the type of commercial you see late at night, flipping around, hoping maybe you get some "Skinamax" or an underwear ad and you're-- "Yeah, this'll do."
man: Don't just watch those TV dance shows, get a lean, trim dancer's body for yourself, just by changing the seat you sit on.
Daisy: Oh, no, they just came out with this? That totally blows the need for my new product-- Dance Chair: A chair you can dance in. Abs, abs...
woman: Now that dancing is popular, it's a good way to have fun and forget that you're working out.
Brad: Is this supposed to give me abs or diaper rash?
Ted: Hey, you know who has great abs? People who get their fat asses out of chairs.
man: The Rhythm Rocker's Exclusive Stabilizing InterAxial Technology allows its contoured padded seat to tilt in a full 360 degrees.
Jaime: Okay, guys, what technical-sounding bull(bleep) can we think for the acronym S-I-T? 
man: Stabilizing InterAxial Technology.
Jaime: Perfect.
man: Now you can blast away bulky fat, and create a long, lean dancer's body doing sexy moves... sitting down at home.
man: Finally! I can dance without all that pesky standing.
Frank: Why don't you get off your fat ass and go on a treadmill?
woman: It does feel like dancing.
woman: I never thought you could do it sitting down in a chair.
woman: You can dance.
woman: That feels really good.
Bryan: I feel amazing. I feel like I haven't worked out at all, 'cause I haven't. I just moved around in my chair.
man: Like several women in our Rhythm Rocker Challenge, you could lose seven pounds in seven days too.
Brendon: You can lose seven pounds in seven days with this, but you're not allowed to eat either, so keep that in mind.
man: You'll get the amazing Rhythm Rocker, plus our easy-to-follow basic workout DVD for just three payments of 33.33. Unleash the dancer in you today and lose pounds and inches. Order now.
Chelsea: Yeah, we all know this is gonna be used exclusively by middle-aged couples as a (bleep) toy.
Judy: Yeah, baby!
Chelsea: Right? Don't we all know that? I'm assuming we do.
man: What's Doggie doing? (Doggie growling) Oh, no, he's in the doghouse now. Let's play. Roll the die. What's that sound? What did he do? You win by collecting Doggie's doo. Doggie Doo by Goliath.
Daisy: Oh, no, (bleep) games? Why did we let the Germans get into designing our toys?
Judy: Kids, we can either play Monopoly, LIFE, or Dog (bleep).
man: We love you. Let's play. Make a tasty treat. Eat up, Doggie.
Brad: Oh, my God, I had this exact game when I was a kid, except it wasn't a dog; it was my grandfather and it wasn't really a game.
man: What's Doggie doing? (Doggie growling) Oh, no, he's in the doghouse now. We love you.
Frank: That is, like, sick. Could you imagine someone giving that to your kid?
man: What's that sound? What did he do? You win by collecting Doggie's doo.
Mike: Those kids look like total maniacs for dog crap.
(children laughing)
man: You win by collecting Doggie's doo. Doggie Doo by Goliath.
Brad: That is not-- you may wanna-- you may wanna bring him to a vet.
Jaime: Hey, poop, are you in there, poop?
Chuck: Whoo! Whoo!
Mike: Oh, God. Hey!
Brendon: You're a winner.
man: What did he do? You win by collecting Doggie's doo. Doggie Doo by Goliath.
Billy: My kids would love this. They love anything about poop or dogs. Ashley is 24 and Tyler just turned 27.
man: You are an American adult and that means you have the God-given right to drink whenever you darn well please. That's why we created the Freedom Flask. (eagle screeching) A flexible, easily concealed poly pouch that holds up to 2 quarts of liquid and belts to your body.
Mike B.: I mean, I've heard of "partying in your pants" before, but this has gone way too far now.
Mike T.: You know what's also good at holding liquor? An actual flask.
man: The Freedom Flask allows you to subtly dispense any beer, wine or spirits you want, any time and any place you want.
Brendon: Yeah, urinating into a cup and then drinking it won't raise any suspicion.
Ted: I'm a normal dude, but I do like to drink liquid if it's sprayed out of a buddy's crotch. This is a dream come true.
Todd: I'm kind of particular about my alcohol. I like it to be served at the exact temperature of my balls.
man: They'll try to tell you where you can drink and where you can't. But with the Freedom Flask, you make the choice.
Mike T.: Ahh... (liquid dripping) What's up? Time for a refill, right?
man: The Freedom Flask is 100% made in the USA.
Todd: Wow. There's something to make you feel proud.
Frank: Great (bleep) idea. That's the only (bleep) good invention I've seen so far.
man: So exercise your right to drink freely and drink responsibly.
Brad: The great part about the Freedom Flask is that once you empty it down your throat, you can fill it right back up in your pants.
man: The Freedom Flask. (eagle screeching) Order yours now.
commentator: Oh... Oh, that stings.
Chuck: I fill mine with clean urine so Leif can take his drug test. Speaking of which, anybody seen Leif lately?
Vincent: I wouldn't worry about him.
Chuck: What do you mean, "Don't worry about him"?
Vincent: I said don't worry about him. The (bleep) guy owed me some money. He's on vacation.
woman: Necomimi electromechanical ears. Manipulated by your mind. Necomimi neuro communication machine.
Frank: This is (bleep) up. I guarantee it came from the Orient.
woman: Necomimi... express your true emotions.
Kevin: Ever wish you could express your emotions with your ears? Me neither.
Mike T.: What an amazing time to be alive for people with strange fetishes.
Tonya: "Mow-mow-mow."
woman: Necomimi. Show the world how you feel on the inside.
Billy: I can't really follow this girl's thoughts at all. I guess I just don't speak Necomimi.
Loni: I don't need to wear my feelings with my ears. I'll just tell you.
woman: Necomimi. When you become the cat you are, your feelings will speak silently for all to hear.
Chelsea: Are we supposed to believe that she was just entranced by that nerd with the Bluetooth?
(cats meowing) (man whistling)
Jaime: Don't worry, maybe he's just not into (bleep). (rim shot)
woman: The ears, the window to your soul, controlled from within.
Marianne: Does anyone else wanna poop in a box right now?
Judy: What do the men wear?
Bryan: Hello, sunshine. I'm sorry, do you have a license for that body? Because it is on the verge of obscene. Oh, you're married?
woman: Necomimi from Neurowear.
Chelsea: Are you an insane person? Perfect-- buy this.
Danny: If I wanna let a person know how I feel about 'em by moving a bodily organ, I'll just take my (blank) out like a normal person.
narrator: Coming up, look ten years younger instantly. Just peel, pull, and press.
Roger: I'm wearing a Neckline Lift right now. Check it out. So natural.
narrator: And... woman: The Kymaro Body Shaper hugs your midsection and distributes excess weight evenly.
Jaime: Now you can look great without diet, exercise or the ability to breathe.
narrator: Plus...
man: Over bumps and jumps, the Bicycle Wine Rack keeps your bottle out of harm's way.
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
man: You've planned the perfect romantic rendezvous: a bike ride ending with a picnic for two in the park. But how do you make sure the wine makes it in one piece? Introducing the Bicycle Wine Rack. Made from recycled artisan leather and genuine brass knobs, the Bicycle Wine Rack carries your precious cargo to its destination in style.
Brad: You recycled the leather? From where? Please don't say chaps.
Bryan: Talk about classy. It's made of recycled artisan leather and brass knobs. Did I mention it's got brass knobs?
man: Over bumps and jumps, the Bicycle Wine Rack keeps your bottle out of harm's way.
Kevin: It's just a great way to let the cops know, "Hey, I'm drunk."
(commentator burping)
Brendon: Now when making the video, make sure to show that you live in a cool neighborhood. Yeah, ride by the mural. Cool, cool. Oh, that circular gate, that's pretty cool. All right, man. Now go meet your (bleeps) in the park.
man: Take your Merlotto go, your Chardonnay all the way.
Tonya: Yeah, well, I mean, I don't drink much wine, but would this work for my beer?
man: Whatever your variety, the Bicycle Wine Rack will make sure it arrives safe and sound.
Marianne: This is great when you wanna go to the park and talk about bands nobody else knows about.
man: The Bicycle Wine Rack gets you and your wine where you need to be. The rest is up to you.
Judy: The dirt and plastic from a Frisbee really can bring out the tannins in a wine.
Todd: Now you gotta ride your girlfriend home on your handlebars, drunk. Good luck with that.
man: Order your Bicycle Wine Rack today.
John: I don't like to drink and drive, even on my bicycle. That's why I just take my Chihuahua. He's more fun at a picnic anyways and gets a lot more (bleep) than a bottle of wine.
woman: Love handles, spare tire, back rolls, middle-age spread. Whatever you call it, it makes us look terrible in our favorite clothes. Now you can stop suffering every time you look at yourself in the mirror. The Kymaro Body Shaper is truly the best way to get your figure back.
Billy: Y'know, it seems to me, that every five years, someone reinvents the girdle.
woman: With millions of body shapers already sold and women everywhere slimming down up to two dress sizes instantly...
Brendon: Are those ladies like doing the "before" poses, or is that the "after" pose? I can't tell.
woman: The Kymaro Body Shaper's Power Net material hugs your midsection and distributes excess weight evenly.
Jaime: Now you can look great without diet, exercise, or the ability to breathe.
Brad: Oh, come on, fat girls. You can see how easy it is to use. It's just one...two...three!
woman: Kymaro's Body Shaper doesn't just help in providing excellent support and remarkable shaping; it also helps your posture. With Kymaro's new Body Shaper, you'll have a new and improved figure immediately.
Mike T.: Whoa! The computer effect is a little too optimistic.
woman: You can get the Kymaro Body Shaper for the unbelievable low price of 39.95. You can now choose what color you want. That's right. Make your choice from nude or black.
man: But if you're black, isn't that the same?
woman: So don't miss out on this incredible one-time offer. You must call now because supplies are limited.
Bryan: Wish you guys made something for my crotch bulge.
man: You do everything to keep your children safe, but the world keeps getting more and more dangerous. Now you can protect your child with My Child's Pack. The bulletproof backpack shield.
Frank: What are you, (bleep) nuts?
Kevin: Dude, how rough is your lunch table?
man: This high-quality day pack has six zippered compartments, an iPod adapter and a water bottle holder.
Todd: When you're engaged in a firefight, you won't get dehydrated.
man: As well as a flexible Kevlar shield that stops bullets cold.
Ted: With the old pack, we couldn't send our child into heavy gunfire, and we were just sick about it.
man: My Child's Pack easily withstands a full clip of ammo without puncture.
Billy: The degree to which this is actually "bulletproof," really depends on your choice of firearm or ammunition.
man: Protect your child from the worst-case scenario.
Mike T.: This will be perfect for my kid. He's kind of an (bleep).
Chuck: If your kids are hiding from the guys in the Broccoli Wad commercial, this is the product for you.
Vincent: Yo. You got something to say, you say it to my face. You know what? Get the (bleep) out of here. (Chuck screaming) Hey, this ain't a bad gig. Tell a few jokes. Piece of cake.
man: You may not be able to arm your kids, but now you can protect them. Order My Child's Pack now. 
Marianne: Well, the most important thing is that my kids' books aren't damaged. Do you know how expensive they are?
man: Protect your child every day of the year.
Jaime: Instill the fear of the improbable in your child.
Brad: And be sure to look this spring for their new Kevlar prom dress.
commentator: Ooh.
woman: As we age, our skin just isn't as firm as it once was, especially around the neckline. But now there's an amazing new way to look up to ten years younger instantly. The secret is Neckline Lifts, the best way to firm and tighten without surgery.
Todd: Not self-conscious about this yet, ladies? Well, now you are. You're welcome.
woman: It's simple. Just peel, gently pull and press.
Jackie: People tell me I look ten years younger.
Loni: Lady, they lie, they lie.
Tonya: I ain't puttin' tape on my neck. Are you kidding?
Marianne: Now I just have to grow my hair out to cover the tape rash.
woman: Neckline Lifts are so comfortable you'll forget you're wearing them, until someone complements your new youthful look.
Roger: I'm wearing a Neckline Lift right now. Check it out. So natural.
Bryan: You can also use them on your nose. Thanks, Neckline Lift.
Mike T.: I was gonna divorce my wife for someone younger, but thanks to Neckline Lifts, the inevitable has been prolonged by at least like two or three years.
woman: Call now to get ten Neckline Lifts for just 9.99. But if you call right now, I'll triple your order. Just pay separate shipping and processing.
John: Save your money. Just get some packing tape. It's like three bucks.
Linda: Neckline Lifts. They're my little secret.
Kevin: Until this commercial airs and then I'll feel so much shame, I'll probably never leave my house again.
woman: This offer is not available in stores and includes a 100% money-back guarantee. Order now.
Jaime: Or you can save even more money and just use a staple gun. (staple gun clicking)
Brendon: It works. I don't notice your saggy, waddly neck anymore. Neckline Lift is a miracle invention.
narrator: Coming up...
man: Introducing Mantyhose: The pantyhose exclusively for men.
Loni: Really? Men, can we have something to ourselves?
narrator: And...
(horn honking)
man: Introducing Subtle Butt, the disposable gas neutralizer.
Billy: Do I wanna know what happens to these little patches when people are done with them? No, I really don't.
narrator: Plus...
woman: POWERbreathe is a unique, handheld breathing muscle trainer. It's like having a set of dumbbells for your breathing muscles.
Brendon: I've got my powerbreather right here. (bong bubbling)
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues. Want more info on the show?
man: Yeah!
narrator: Follow us on Twitter at Twitter.com/WorldsDumbest for exclusive behind-the-scenes updates about and from your favorite cast members.
man: Chronic flatulence. You never know when it will hit. (horn honking) (man groaning) You don't like it and neither does anyone around you. (horn blowing) Well, now there's a way to fight back. Introducing Subtle Butt, the disposable gas neutralizer.
Jaime: It's probably safe to say this product stinks. (rim shot)
(Frank blowing raspberry)
man: Simply apply the carbon-filter patch directly to your underwear.
Todd: I've just been using the Brita as a butt plug. This is way easier!
man: The patented technology neutralizes foul odors, saving your neighbors' noses and your reputation.
Mike T.: Instead of neutralizing it, why not convert it into a nice smell? Did someone bake cinnamon buns?
Chelsea: I'm interested, but is there any audio component to this-- a silencer, if you will?
man: Get back to living your life without the sinister threat of foul odors.
(horn blowing)
Daisy: I'm hitting every taco truck in town. Thanks, Subtle Butt.
Bill: Do I want to know what happens to these little patches when people are done with them? No. No, I really don't.
man: Take control of your backside.
Roger: Okay, can we get one of these sent right over to Tonya Harding's dressing room? You know what I'm talking about, Harding.
Tonya: I'll admit, my (bleep) does stink, okay? And so does everybody elses.
man: Get Subtle Butt today.
Kevin: And we have a new winner for "most awkward thing to buy at the grocery store."
man: Woman have been enjoying the warmth, texture and style of pantyhose for years. (commentator whistling) Now it's our turn. Introducing Mantyhose: the pantyhose exclusively for men.
Loni: Really? Men, can we have something to ourselves?
man: Mantyhose are designed to fit the contours of a man's body, showcasing his legs in a way that's sure to grab attention while maintaining masculinity.
Todd: These are ridiculous. Except for those two-tone ones. Now, I like them. Those are very avant-garde.
John: Never thought it was possible, but these are actually gayer than Brad.
Brad: How am I looking? I look good? I look-- what? Oh, oh, what? Yeah. Look.
man: Tights for men were once considered the height of fashion and now they're ready for a resurgence.
Kevin: Yeah, for centuries, men did wear tights. And then they realized it looked ridiculous. It's called evolution.
Bryan: Zounds, I very much like your Mantyhose. Hark, I hear the cannons roar!
man: Mantyhose are contoured to give support and warmth to the male anatomy.
Jaime: 'Cause if there's anything better than ball sweat, it's ball sweat in tights.
man: Mantyhose are available in a wide variety of colors and patterns.
Kevin: All of them equally emasculating.
man: Whether you're at home or the office or out on the town...
man: What's up?
man: ... Mantyhose will have you looking your best.
Mike T.: You can wear them at home, at the office or anywhere else you wanna make Jesus cry.
man: So what are you waiting for? Show the world what a real man looks like. Order yours today.
commentator: What's up, ladies?
Frank: Think what you want, mother(bleep). But I'm wearing these fishnets. And if you don't like it, you can go (bleep) yourself.
man: Does exersion tire you out? Are you sometimes short of breath? Have you ever found yourself gasping for air? Then the POWERbreathe is for you.
woman: POWERbreathe is a unique, handheld breathing muscle trainer. It's like having a set of dumbbells for your breathing muscles.
John: Her lungs look pretty healthy. Must be working.
woman: When you breathe in through the mouthpiece, air is only released if you use enough effort to force open the valve. That way, the breathing muscles work harder as they move up and down.
Jaime: I wonder if this would make me give better blowjobs? I couldn't possibly give better blowjobs.
Brendon: I got my POWERbreather right here. It's like dumbbells for my lungs and my brains.
woman: After rigorous scientific and medical trials, the POWERbreathe has been licensed for prescription in the UK.
man: That's me, six weeks ago. But once a day with the POWERbreathe... Look at me now!
woman: The POWERbreathe works for everyone. In fact, world champions and Olympic medalists use it.
Mike T.: Which ones? None of your business.
woman: By using your POWERbreathe for just 30 breaths, twice a day, you will see great results.
Bryan: I used to breathe like this-- (wheezing) Thanks to POWERbreathe, I breathe like this now-- (inhaling deeply)
man: POWERbreathe. Now you can breathe easy.
Roger: So go ahead and smoke those four packs a day. You've got POWERbreathe.
woman: How fashion-forward can your car be? Get CarLashes, then you'll see. CarLashes are fun, flexible and flirty. They make your headlights happy.
Roger: How about that? Women drawing attention to their headlights. You rarely see that.
Danny: I want my car to look like some kind of (bleep) on its way out to go clubbing. Can you help me out?
woman: While you're watching the road, your car can give the eye to that special guy.
Mike T.: Hey, I think that car is making eyes at me.
woman: And now CarLashes come with captivating crystal eyeliner. So easy to attach and they shine rainbows in the sun.
Jaime: Throws rainbows in sunlight. Big deal. Brad throws rainbows all the time.
Vincent: I wouldn't let my wife put these on the Mercedes. But my girlfriend, she could put it on the Volkswagen.
woman: You've got so much personality, and now your car will too when you get CarLashes.
Jaime: Guys, I'm sorry I was late today. It took my car forever to get ready. Such a diva.
woman: Call now and get two sets for 24.99. CarLashes. Make the party on the street complete.
Frank: It's just someone that has too much time on their hands, some housewife that her husband doesn't (bleep) anymore, who has menopause, is bored. Y'know, it's like people that collect Garfield the cat.
women: I love CarLashes!
Mike T.: You are not driving out of my garage looking like that. (horn honking) 'Cause you look like a whore, that's why.
narrator: Coming up: Tired of unsightly, pale feet? Then the Solafeet ST-400 is for you.
Mike T.: This is a big problem in the white community. This is our sickle-cell.
narrator: And introducing Back Tacular, the fashion patch that covers your best asset. 
Tonya: How about, ladies, you go and buy a pair of pants that (bleep) fit?
narrator: Plus...
man: PABS is the ultimate solution to avoid unwanted or accidental breeding.
Kevin: How slutty is your dog?
narrator: When "World's Smartest Inventions" continues.
man: Golfers, has this happened to you-- You play a full 18 holes only to have an uneven tan? Well, not anymore. Now there's a revolutionary new product that makes unsightly, pale feet a thing of the past. Introducing the Solafeet ST-400.
Frank: I think that is a great idea. Let me get my body another place where I can get (bleep) melanoma.
Chuck: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that this product is not for me.
Marianne: My husband thinks I'm perfect, except for my slightly, paler shade of ankle skin.
man: You simply put your feet inside the device, set the timer, and wait. In no time, you'll have a beautifully matching tan.
John: Let me ask you a question. Between you and me, does it tan your feet and dry your nail polish?
William: We invented this product because of a real need we experienced. White feet from playing golf in shorts.
Mike T.: This is a big problem in the white community. This is our sickle-cell.
woman: I had one of these, although my roommate basically just used it to grow pot.
man: Solafeet uses four 26-watt tanning bulbs to safely bronze your feet to the desired color.
Todd: Do you have one that tans the bottom of your feet? That's been a real problem for me.
man: Don't waste your time with tanning creams and sprays that leave your feet looking orange and cost you a bundle. The Solafeet can be yours for the low price of only $225.00.
man: I say, thank God. I'm walking over the souls of broken employees, trying to enjoy my day, and I'm-- oh, my feet are so pasty white.
man: Make a feet-first impression with a world's only foot-tanning system. Solafeet, call now.
Brad: Yeah, getting ready for summer! I am gonna look hot this year! Does anyone else smell bacon?
woman: You don't love your nose, but plastic surgery is so painful and expensive. Want to find an easier and cheaper way to change your look? It's no secret. Nose Secret.
Frank: If you want a nose job, you should go down to my gym and you'll get a (bleep) nose job.
woman: The patented nasal contour adapters are easily inserted... and totally transform your facial appearance.
Kevin: What's a bigger problem, a nose that's slightly too wide or objects lodged in your face?
Billy: There is an important warning on the package, though. It says, "Avoid poking brain."
woman: Created by facial aesthetics experts, Nose Secret narrows and straightens from within.
Brad: They're like Nose Spanx. Skinny out your fat nose, you fatty.
Todd: Sure, ladies, just shove it up your nose, go out there and just live that lie.
woman: Nose Secret boosts your confidence while discreetly improving your profile.
Tonya: I mean, (bleep) Why don't people just shove something up their butt to make their (bleep) bigger?
Todd: Let the good times roll.
Judy: Do you notice anything different?
Loni: I don't see no difference. I still got that Afrika Bambaataa nose.
woman: And removal is just that easy.
Chuck: Wait, you need a special tool to get it out?
Kevin: Y'know, I know I really like somebody when I'm comfortable enough to remove my nostril spears in front of them.
woman: Nose Secret, the secret to a beautifully contoured nose. Order yours today. It'll be our secret.
Mike T.: What does Chelsea think of this? No reason, I just wanna know what she thinks about it. She's very funny.
man: Do you love your dog? Do you want to avoid spaying or neutering your pet, then you need to order PABS today. PABS is the ultimate solution to avoid unwanted or accidental breeding.
Kevin: Dude, how slutty is your dog?
Brendon: My dog only practices the unspeakable vice of the Greeks. If you know what I mean.
man: Endorsed by veterinarians, PABS is a safe and affordable way to protect your pet.
Chuck: Oh, my God, this is like Cocker Spaniel blocking.
Marianne: My dog still has the urge to have sex, but now with way more frustration.
Kevin: Y'know, that looks great but my dog is pretty strictly Catholic so he's actually not supposed to use any birth control.
man: Avoid dangerous and expensive surgeries. PABS is recommended by pet professionals. Call now, right now, for your special offer. Order PABS today.
Wes: I'm no expert on dog plumbing, but wouldn't this fine product get soaked in piss like15 times a day?
Brad: Oh, and it even comes with a wash-- a washable-- Oh, God, I shouldn't have touched it. Oh, oh... ugh...
man: PABS is the ultimate solution to avoid unwanted or accidental breeding.
Chelsea: Here's another anti-breeding system-- just keep 'em in the house.
man: Do you love your dog? PABS is the ultimate solution. Call now, right now, for your special offer. Order PABS today.
Jaime: I hope the "special offer" includes a paper bag, so your dog can put it over his head... out of shame.
Loni: I know some humans that need this.
(Danny coughing)
woman: You love the fashion-forward low-rise look, but you don't wanna show the world your backside. Now you don't have to thanks to Back Tacular, the fashion patch that covers your best assets.
Mike T.: Who's been telling these girls that we can see part of their ass? You're ruining it!
Todd: If this is an effort to make me stop looking at your ass, you need to go back to the drawing board.
woman: Back Tacular doesn't just maintain your dignity when you're sitting or bending over, it does it in style.
Wes: I would never give my girlfriend this product. However, I would give her that chair.
woman: These soft adhesive modesty panels fully cover your gluteal cleft and come in a variety of colors and patterns. Like "The Booty Butterfly."
Frank: Hey, I'm diggin' it.
Brad: You could use this, or you could just remember not to bend over in your whore jeans.
Mike T.: That happens to me sometimes. Can I get one with, like, a Giants logo on it?
woman: At just 19.99 a piece, you can't afford not to get them all.
Tonya: How about, ladies, you go and buy a pair of pants that (bleep) fit, okay?
Bryan: Hey, do you have one of those for my girl's mouth?
woman: We cover your back so you don't have to.
(bell ringing)
Chelsea: Let's be totally honest with ourselves and each other. Why would that trio of strippers care?
Loni: Uh-uh. Show some plus-size, show some fat ass. I wanna see the product on that.
woman: Back Tacular. Get yours today.
Jessie: Wouldn't "Crack Tacular" have been a better name? Just saying.
narrator: You've just seen 19 super-smart inventions, each more life-altering than the last. But the smartest one of all has yet to be unleashed on the world. We'll unveil this must-have product right after this.
man: This is not an ordinary workout. You will build strength. You will get ripped... with the most dynamic fitness tool on the planet. The world's first flexing dumbbell is here. Free Flexor for men.
Billy: Originally, this was called the "Whack-Off-Atron," but that name didn't test so well.
man: Standard weights only work one angle of the muscle, in one direction. The Free Flexor works your muscles at every angle, in every direction, for a more effective and complete workout.
Ted: You've heard it a thousand times-- How can I build muscle by wiggling a flaccid ball gag? Well, here's how.
Bryan: I can feel it in my abs, my chest, my arms and my groin is actually really tingly. 
man: The Free Flexor introduces and proves the theory of circular strength technology.
Brad: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's not a real thing.
man: By spinning the weights at each end, you can create unlimited torque, unlimited tension that will make your muscles cry.
Jaime: Luckily while your forearms are on fire, your crying muscles can put out the flames.
Marianne: I find if you spit on it, it works a lot better.
Tonya: If I wanna play with balls, I'll just play with my husband's, y'know?
man: Still not convinced? Just listen to what these guys had to say.
man: Yeah, it's burning my whole arm now.
man: Definitely, it's a different kind of exercise. I've never felt anything like that.
Brendon: Hey, handsome, you guys wanna be in a video? No, I'm not gay. What makes you think I'm gay?
man: Now is the time. Now is your time. Don't wait any longer. Order your Free Flexor today.
man: Well, 39.95. Clearly isn't the "Free" Flexor.
Mike T.: I don't know, seems like this Free Flexor is a little bit--
Vincent: Hey, Mike, let me see that. Y'know, I could use this. There's a couple of knuckleheads out there that owe me some money. Come on, let's go. You're coming with me.
Mike T.: I have to finish this--
Vincent: Get off your fat (bleep) ass and earn some money! Let's go.
Mike T.: I-- I gotta go.
Daisy: And we're back!
Brad: So wait, I don't understand quite how the-- Oh, God, son of a...
Brendon: Ahh! That did kind of hurt.
Jaime: Back to the drawing board.
Brad: Eat it!
Tonya: "Mow-mow-mow."
(Bryan grunting)
Jaime: I'm gonna need one of these.
Mike T.: Boom!
Brad: Oh...
Chuck: Ew!
Daisy: Ahh!
Billy: The Japanese. You know what I mean, Franky?
Frank: How you doin'? (blowing raspberry)
John: How's Vinny doing now?
Vincent: Grandma's eggplant parmesan was good. That's not funny.
(John laughing)
Chuck: Ow, oh...
Brendon: Now I'm sitting next to Danny Bonaduce.
(bleep)
Jaime: Hey, poop, are you in there, poop?
Judy: Hey, Brad. Hello.
Brad: Judy is not a fan of this, I assume.
man: Touche.
Marianne: Meow.
Bryan: Is it supposed to do this to my groin? (grunting)
(Jaime laughing)
Loni: Genius!
man: Going to school, Dad.
Mike T.: Oh, it looks really comfortable.
(John purring)
Brad: (blowing nose) There it is. Oh, that's pretty.
(Frank hacking)
Judy: Wow, wow!
Daisy: What?
Brad: Am I pretty yet? Am I pretty?
Mike T.: Yeah, I'm gonna--
Vincent: (bleep) knucklehead.
Mike T.: Really-- he really hit me. (laughter)