Ricksy Business

==Transcript==
(Screen plays the outside of the Smith family's house. Jerry is seen packing stuff into the back of a car that is parked in front of the garage, while Beth is standing by the passenger seat side of the car. Rick, Summer, and Morty are standing by the garage door.)
Summer: Bye, mom! Bye, dad!
Morty: Drive carefully!
Rick: Have fun, you two.
Beth: Yes, we will have as much fun as possible on our... (Sarcastic and moody) Titanic-themed getaway.
Jerry: (Finishes packing the car, and closes the door of the car.) Let's lose the 'tude, please. It's supposed to be romantic. (Opens the passenger seat door.)
Beth: Speaking of disasters, dad, we are leaving you in charge, here.
Rick: I know, c-can we wrap this up? Morty and I (belching) have some synthetic laser-eels oxidizing in the garage.
Beth: (Angry) Hey, don't blow me off. I am drawing a line, okay? Any damage to this house or these children when we get back, and... no more adventures with Morty. (Opens the car door off screen.)
Morty: Aw, geez, Rick! If my mom's the one who's saying it, then you know it's pretty serious this time.
Beth and Jerry in unison: That's right.
Jerry: Wait... What?
Rick: Listen, you have my word as a caregiver, everything's gonna be fine. And if not, like you say, no more adventures or whatever. It's like that old song "blomp blomp-a noop noop a-noop noop noop". You guys know that song? (Elbows Morty.) From Tiny Roger's? You never heard of it? You know, the black effeminate guy from the '50s?
(Everyone is silent)
Rick: No-nobody? (Angry) A-all right, whatever. Look, who cares? Just go on your stupid trip.
Jerry: (Serious) Not one thing out of place.
(Beth and Jerry enter the car and drive out of the garage driveway. Jerry then stops the car, and opens the car door.)
Jerry: Not a single thing.
(Jerry closes the door, and they drive away.)
(A few seconds after the car leaves, the garage door disintegrates, as the synthetic laser eels screech and float out of the damaged garage door. Rick, Morty, and Summer watch the eel's float away, and the garage door collapses onto the three. The giant hole in the door keeps them from being squashed.) 
Summer: (Happy) Well, we're past the point of no return. I'm going to have a party.
(Intro plays)
(Screen cuts back to the outside of the Smith family's house. Everyone is in the house, and the garage door was put back into it's original place. There is still a massive burned hole in the door.)
Summer: (Off screen) I found Jello.
(Screen cuts to a shelf with snacks, as Summer grabs a box of crackers. She is taking to someone on her phone.) 
Summer: Can you sneak your mom's vodka? Yes, she does. I saw it in your laundry room. (Grabs another box) Listen, you can't both be in denial about it. Okay, bye. (Stops the call)
(Morty enters the kitchen, angry.)
Morty: Summer, you can't throw a party! Remember what mom said?
(Screen changes to a view of the whole kitchen. Rick walks up to the fridge.)
Summer: Yeah, if anything gets messed up, you and grandpa Rick get punished. I'm only a human being, Morty.
(Rick is seen searching through the fridge.)
Morty: Rick, tell Summer she can't have a party!
Rick: (Pulls out a tray with canapes on it, and places it on the bench off screen.) Uh, Summer, you can't have a party.
Summer: Ugh.
Rick: (Back on screen.) Because (burp) I'm having a party, b-I-I-I-itch! (burp)
Morty: Oh, what?! Rick, you can't!
Summer: What do you mean you're having a party? (Sarcastic) Are some glip glops from the third dimension going to come over and play cards or something?
Rick: "Glip glop?" You're lucky a Traflorkian doesn't hear you say that.
Summer: Is that like their n-word?
Rick: It's like the n-word and the c-word had a baby, and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. (Drinks from a soda can.)
Morty: Listen, I think the three of us could just, you know, have a nice time, like just hanging out, and, you know, doing a little bonding and -- 
Summer: (Interrupts Morty) screw that. This is my chance to gain some footing with the cool kids.
Rick: That's why you party? Boy, you really are 17.
Summer: Why do you party?
Rick: To get (burp) wr-wriggedy wriggedy wrecked, son!
Summer: Just keep your sci-fi friends away from my awesome ones.
Rick: Yeah, and you keep your awesome friends away from my canapes. (Places a piece of food into his canapes to finish preparing them.)
(Screen cuts to the Titanic getaway. The boat is seen floating on the water, and people are waiting on the sidewalk.)
(Screen cuts again to the left side of the boat, as people are seen getting a tour of the boat. Beth and Jerry are also seen on the group of poeple. workers are seen painting a giant board of a sunset just next to the boat.)
Tour Guide: After dinner, Titanic 2 will attach to the rail system near our replica iceberg, and the hydraulics encased in these tubes will execute a controlled sink into the icy depths.
Jerry: A rail system seems archaic for an attraction this impressive. Are you sure the ship will sink?
Tour Guide: I can assure you the ship will sink, as it has a thousand times before. It is un-unsinkable.
(The group of people applaud.)
Jerry: (Notices the front of the Titanic, full of people.) Ooh! Look, it's the line for the bow!
Beth: (Bored and unimpressed) Jerry, I'd love to just kick back with a Margarita and read. 
(Both walk down some stairs to the front of the boat towards the line of people.)
Beth: Do you mind if I skip the whole "king of the world" bit?
Jerry: Well, it's not the "king of the world" bit. That's Jack and fabrizio. (Grabs Beth's hat and places it on her head.) This is where rose says, "I'm flying, Jack!" But whatever. I can be the only one to do it alone.
Beth: (Looks to her right, and smiles.) Well, what about her?
(A maid is seen mopping up the deck near the two.)
Beth: Excuse me, ma'am. Would you like to take my place in line?
Lucy: (Shy) I, uh -- I could get into trouble.
Beth: (Takes off her hat and places it onto Lucy's.) We won't tell.
(Beth lets Lucy go in the line next to Jerry, and walks away, reading a book.)
Jerry: So... You're a Titanic fanatic?
Lucy: Oh, yes. I've worked here since it opened, but I've never been able to participate.
Jerry: Happy to help... rose.
(They both smile as Lucy grabs Jerry's arm, and they both walk down the line. Lucy giggles.)
(Screen cuts to the Smith family's living room. There are a few people chilling out and eating snacks.)
Tammy: (To a girl) I love watching bukkake. I mean, like, I don't know if I personally would ever do it...
(The doorbell rings, and Summer walks over to the door and opens it.)
Summer: Brad! Hey!
Brad: Yo.
(Brad walks into the house with a few other guys.)
Tammy: (To the girl) Brad is here! Quick, make my hair look drunk.
(The girl messes up Tammy's hair. Tammy poses as if she's drunk as Brad and the other guys walk past them.)
Brad: Check it out. Tammy's already drunk. Cool.
(Summer watches as the guys walk away. As she goes to close the door, a man who is half bird and half human stops the door. Summer opens the door again.)
Birdperson: The beacon was activated. Who is in danger?
Summer: Ugh! Grandpa!
(Rick walks up to Birdperson, happy to see him. They fistbump. Summer walks away, grumpy.)
Rick: Birdperson!
Birdperson: I am pleased there is no emergency.
Rick: Oh, there's an emergency, all right. (He puts his arm around Birdperson) A pussy emergency! When's the last time you got laid, 'pers?
Birdperson: It has been a... challenging mating season for birdperson.
Rick: Then it's time to get your beak wet tonight, playah. (Leads Birdperson into the house) Go have some fun out there birdp-- bird-- birdperson.
(Morty walks up to Rick.)
Morty: Oh, man, how many people did you invite, Rick?
Rick: Uh... people? Mm, six.
(A big green spaceship/UFO lands in front of the house. A bunch of happy little green lumpy aliens come running out of the ship/UFO into the house.)
Rick: Yo! What up, my glip glops?!
Morty: Oh, man!
(Screen cuts to the outside of the house. It's nighttime, and people and aliens are seen walking around outside. Two Rick's from the Citadel of Ricks arrive through a portal.) 
Morty: (Walking around picking up trash from the ground and putting it in a garbage bag. The house is very crowded) (Huff) (Huff) Oh! Y-y-you know there's a garbage, right?
(An alien is seen falling off the ceiling.)
(Morty hears a noise, and goes to investigate. He walks into a room to find a red crocodile-like creature mauling up and eating a bird creature. Other people and creatures are just watching.)
Morty: Hey, uh, what the hell?!
Jelly-like creature with items stuck inside of it: Ooh. That's why you never invite a floopy doop and a shmoopy doop to the same party. (Exits the room)
(Morty is furious. But he hears a creaking noise coming from upstairs. He goes and checks it out. He walks into his parent bedroom to see two people or aliens, presumably having sex in their bed under the covers.)
Morty: Oh, oh, g-- oh, that's disgusting! You guys are in my parents' bed!
(The covers are lowered to show a blue alien creature with a giant growth on it. It jiggles when he moves.)
Blue alien: Oh. Sorry. I'm not feeling too well. I just needed to lie down for a bit.
Morty: Oh. Okay. S-s-sorry. Haha.
(The blue alien pukes on the side of the bed. It disintegrates a giant patch of the mattress.)
Morty: Oh, my God! Are you kidding me?!
(The screen cuts to the corner of the kitchen. The traflorkians are seen pouring themselves drinks with a beer dispenser. Rick is also there, listening to a half human and half robot person talking to him. Rick is bored out of his mind.) 
Gearhead: The thing people don't realize about the Gear Wars is that it was never really about the gears at all.
Rick: Uh-huh. Yeah. No, no, to-totally.
(Morty walks up to Rick, stressed out.)
Morty: Rick, you got to stop --
(Rick interrupts Morty, and grabs him.)
Rick: Morty! Have you met Gearhead?
Morty: (Waves) Hey, how's it --
Rick: (Interrupts Morty) Morty here, he -- he would love to hear all about the Gear Wars. (Rick quickly leaves them)
Gearhead: How familiar are you with the Gear Wars, exactly?
Morty: Uh... Not at all.
Gearhead: Oh, boy. I envy you. Okay, it was about 754 years ago...
(Screen cuts to the outside of the house again. People are seen drunk, some people are still arriving, and there is toilet paper hanging off the roof of the house. A big alien structure is seen on the roof, and one lands just in front of the house. A bunch of cyborg robots exit it and march up to the house.)
(The screen cuts back into the house living room. Rick is by the couch with a large red crab creature. Morty walks up to Rick.)
Rick: Oh, hey, Morty! H-have you -- have you met my buddy scropon?
Morty: Not again, Rick. That last guy droned on for 20 minutes, you know? And meanwhile, the whole house is being destroyed!
(A beer bottle is seen smashing into a wall, making a mess.)
Rick: Whoa, Morty, this guy's entire planet was destroyed.
(Scropon walks away, moping.)
Rick: Have a little perspective.
(A cat creature walks up to Rick from behind Morty. He's holding some alcohol.)
Squanchy: Hey, Rick, squanchy party, bro!
Rick: Aw! Squanchy!
Squanchy: Is there a good place for me to squanch around here?
Rick: Squanchy, you can squanch wherever you want, man. Mi casa es su casa, dawg!
Squanchy: All right! I like your squanch! (He runs away, excited)
Morty: Uh, Rick, what exactly is "squanching"?
Rick: Morty, listen -- we've had a lot of really cool adventures over the last year, but it's time to relax.
Morty: Yeah, if I relax now, there might not even be any more adventures!
Rick: Jesus, Morty, you're bumming me out. Can't we just pretend like everything's fine for a few hours, enjoy ourselves, and then worry about all this later?
Morty: Yeah, that's easy for you to say, Rick. You know, you like not caring about stuff. You know, wh-wh-what's in this for me?
(Time slows down as Jessica dreamily walks into the living room, whipping her hair. People are seen watching her in awe, and a beer bottle is seen being thrown past her.)
Morty: (In slow motion) Jessica.
(Time goes back to normal.)
Rick: Knock it off, Slow Mobius!
(A person/alien wearing yellow clothes and is holding magical wands with clocks on the ends is seen stirring up time with his magic.)
Slow Mobius: Ha ha! Sorry, dude! I'm just trying to show off my powers, bro!
(Jessica walks into a different room.)
Morty: I can't believe she's here.
Rick: Well, what are you doing standing here, Morty? Go. Talk to her. (He shoves Morty away. Morty follows Jessica.)
Rick: Tonight, the only adventure you're on is your cusping manhood.
(The scene cuts to the titanic. Jerry and Lucy are running together, laughing. They run past a smoking man. Jerry steals his cigarette, and gets rid of it.)
Jerry: Oh, Rose.
(Jerry and Lucy both spin dance together.)
Lucy: Whee!
(Both laughing, as they both look over the balcony at the front of the boat.)
Jerry: Is that what I think it is?
(Screen cuts to the front of the boat, with workers who are stacking painted boards of pieces of the Titanic.)
Lucy: (Off screen) Yes, every couple gets to re-create Jack's drowning at the end of the movie.
(Screen cuts back to Jerry and Lucy.)
Lucy: It's so romantic.
Jerry: I can't wait to do that with Beth.
Lucy: I don't know, Jerry. With all due respect, it seems like your wife may not be that interested.
Jerry: (Gasp!) Look! (Points at the iceberg in front of the boat, as it rises higher out of the water)
Voice through speaker: Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed. 
(Everybody gathers up to the balcony of the boat, watching excitedly.)
Voice through speaker: Iceberg, right ahead! The buffet is now closed.
(Screen cuts to the bridge of the boat. The two captains watch.)
Captain #1: (Worried) Uh, sir? There's not a problem.
Captain #2: What do you mean there's not a problem?
(The control panel's light are flashing red, and beeping.)
Captain #1: The guidance system isn't putting us on a direct collision course. This ship is about to completely miss the giant iceberg!
Captain #2: Well, do something! Steer into it!
Captain #1: (Frantically trying to steer towards the iceberg) I'm trying!
(The boat completely misses the iceberg.)
Captain #2: It's too late. (Removes his hat, and speaks into a microphone.) Ladies and gentlemen... Don't brace yourselves.
(Everyone on the boat gasp, as they watch the iceberg go past them.)
Jerry: No! What happened?!
Lucy: Their rail system must have failed.
Passengers: Oh, my God! We're not gonna sink! What are we gonna do?!
(Screen cuts to the Smith family's house party. A group of fish creatures are seen swimming and jumping into a pool of yellow liquid. But the screen zooms out to show that it turned out to be a cup full of alcohol. A guy picks the cup up.)
Guy: Totally gonna get laid tonight. (Drinks from the cup.)
(Tammy is seen swooning over Birdperson. She is petting his feathers.)
Tammy: (In awe) I like your feathers.
Birdperson: They are designed to attract the attention of the female.
Tammy: It's working.
Birdperson: Tammy, I should let you know I just got out of a highly intense soul bond with my previous spirit mate.
Tammy: I'm not looking to get into a soul bond. I'm just looking for... (Whispers into Birdperson's ear.)
Birdperson: I believe birdperson can arrange that.
(Screen pans to Summer talking to her friends. A girl with glasses walks over to her.)
Nancy: Hey, Summer, haven't seen you at flute practice in a while.
Girl: Summer, don't tell me you're friends with her.
Summer: (Lying) Are you kidding me? I don't even know what she's doing here.
(Rick walks up to Summer.)
Rick: Whoa. Not cool, summer. This is a party. (He accidentally splashes some of his drink into Nancy's face.) Everybody should be welcome.
(The wall gets demolished along with a loud explosion. The dust fades, to show a mix between Abradolph Linkler and Adolf Hitler. The house is silent, as he goes around getting aggressive to people.)
Rick: Oh, great. Who invited Abradolph Lincoler? (Tries to hide his face from Abradolph Lincoler.)
Summer: I thought everyone was welcome.
Rick: It's not the same, Summer. Lincoler is a crazed maniac -- just a misguided effort of mine to create a morally neutral superleader by combining the DNA of Adolf Hitler and Abraham Lincoln. Turns out (burp) it just adds up to a lame, weird loser.
(People run away from Abradolph Lincoler, before he finds Rick.)
Abradolph Lincoler: Rick, you brought me into this world, a suffering abomination tortured by the duality of its being.
(Rick is drinking his alcohol, unimpressed.)
Abradolph Lincoler: (Walks closer to Rick) But I shall finally know peace when I watch the life drain from your wretched body! (He accidentally bumps Brad with his arm. Brad is standing next to Jessica and Morty)
Brad: Whoa. What's up, man?
Abradolph Lincoler: I have no quarrel with you, boy.
Brad: "Boy"? What's that supposed to mean? (Gets up into Abradolph Lincoler's face)
Abradolph Lincoler: (Threatened) It's just -- l-look, I-I don't know how you thought I meant it, but... (Looks at Rick for help)
Rick: Don't look at me, dude.
Abradolph Lincoler: Look, I'm half-Abraham Lincoln, so --
Brad: (Angry) So I should get on my knees and kiss your ass?!
Abradolph Lincoler: Well, no, but... You know?
Brad: What do I know? That the third reich will reign for a thousand years?
Jessica: Leave him alone, Brad.
Brad: Stay out of this, Jessica!
Rick: Kick his ass, Brad! (chanting) 
Everyone except Morty and Jessica: (Chanting) Kick his ass! Kick his ass! Kick his ass!
(Everyone chants, as Brad beats up Abradolph Lincoler.)
Jessica: Brad! 
(Jessica leaves the living room, as Morty follows her. Rick follows after Morty.)
Morty: Rick!
Rick: (Shoves Morty towards the door where jessica went) I just did you a favor, Morty.
(Screen cuts to the steps of the front door. Jessica is sitting alone in the messy front yard. The Morty exits through the door.)
Morty: Sorry about all that. Rick has some really strange friends.
(A roll of toilet paper falls off the roof, leaving a trail of toilet paper. Morty sits next to Jessica.)
Jessica: (Annoyed) Ugh! Brad is such a jerk. He's always trying to prove what a man he is. I just want to find somebody nice and sweet.
Morty: Jessica, can I show you something?
(Screen cuts to Morty opening the door to Rick's garage, and switching on the light. Jessica is with morty. The garage is full of constructed devices and stuff.
Jessica: Wow! Look at all this stuff.
Morty: (Walks over to the shelves and picks up a circular device.) Yeah. This is me and my grandpa Rick's Sci-Fi workshop. Check this out.
(Morty presses a button on the device, and it projects holograms of the universe and the planets.)
Jessica: It's beautiful.
Morty: You know, Jessica, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.
Jesica: What's that, Morty?
Morty: I think that you're the most --
Jessica: No, that -- those weird sounds coming from the closet over there. (Points at the shaking closet.)
(Morty turns off the device, and hands it to Jessica, as he goes to investigate the closet. He walks over to it, hesitant to open it. He glances at Jessica, before opening it. Inside is Squanchy, Autoerotic asphyxiating himself. (Choking himself with a rope while masturbating.
Jessica: Aah! 
Morty: Oh, my God!
Squanchy: Hey, I'm squanching in here!
Morty: Oh, my God! Oh, that is so disgusting!
(Morty covers his eyes and backs away, accidentally bumping into a large and tall device, knocking it over.)
Morty: Ow! Oh! Bull crap!
(The glass on the top of the device shatters, as it flashes a bright green light.)
(The screen cuts to the outside of the house, as the green light surrounds the whole house, and it disappears. It leaves a giant hole where the house was.)
(The house teleports into a colorful alien dimension. Everyone shouts in fear due to the impact of the house landing into the ground.)
(The screen cuts to the living room. Everyone is silent, as the power turns back on. Rick turns to look outside the screen door, and opens it. He watches the giant aliens crawl around.)
Rick: Huh. Big star in the sky. (Breathes in) Oxygen-rich atmosphere. Giant testicle monsters. (Turns around, excited) We'll be fine! Let's party!
(A random guy with his t-shirt in hand swings it over his head in excitement. He yells out, as he runs outside, only to be grabbed by an alien and stuffed into it's hole. Most likely it's genitals. Everyone is silent and concerned, so Rick quickly turns on a stereo.) 
Stereo: ♪ Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got ♪
(Everyone cheers and dances with Rick.)
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(Scene cuts back to the outside of the house. Rick, Summer, and Morty are outside the screen door. Rick is holding a device and scanning for something. Everyone is still partying inside.)
Summer: I swear to God, Morty, if it weren't for the fact that everyone's still having a blast in there, I would be so furious with you right now.
Rick: Oh, man. Y-you hear that, Morty? You really lucked out with Summer o-on that one. (Sips from his drink)
Morty: How are you guys not freaking out right now?! T-the whole house is sitting in another dimension! I-I mean, w-what the hell are we supposed to do?! M-m-mom and dad are gonna kill us! I'm losing it here, Rick!
Rick: (Holds Morty to get his attention) Relax, Morty, rela-a-a-ax! (Lets go) It's gonna be fine. All we have to do is go out and find us some kalaxian crystals. (Rick is still scanning with his device. It suddenly starts to beep.) Oh, shit, motherfucker! Kalaxian crystals, Morty, just a few miles South of here.
Morty: Okay. Let's go, then.
(Morty grabs Rick's arm and tries to pull him. Rick gets back up, but he won't follow morty.)
Morty: W-w-we got to go get those crystals right now, Rick.
Rick: (Makes Morty let go) Whoa, whoa, whoa. Morty, Morty, I-I can't go with you. I got to hang back and make sure everything stays cool here, you know? I mean, who knows what -- what if somebody breaks something?
Summer: Yeah. Me too. I should stay.
(Nancy and Abradolph Lincoler open the screen door and walk through. Abradolph Lincoler is holding a cold soda can up to the side of his face.)
Abradolph Lincoler: You guys have any aspirin?
Rick: Oh, hey, Morty, this is perfect! You can take Lincoler with you.
Abradolph Lincoler: Hey, man, I'm not going anywhere. I'm injured.
Rick: Shut up, Lincoler. (Shoves him away) It's the least you can do for wrecking the living room.
(Abradolph Lincoler walks away from the house, as Morty follows.)
Summer: (Grabs Nancy's shoulders) Yeah! And, Nancy, you should go, too.
Nancy: What? Why -- why me?
Summer: Because, uh, you're -- you're so good at playing the flute. (Shoves Nancy towards Morty and Abradolph Lincoler)
(Rick and Summer glance at each other, and enter the house.)
(Screen cuts back to the Titanic. Workers are seen moving the iceberg away, and cleaning up outside.)
(Screen cuts to the inside of the ship. Everyone is at the 'customer service.' Icluding Beth and Jerry.)
Captain #2: Sorry for the inconvenience, folks. We should resume sinking shortly. In the meantime, please, stay on the ship and enjoy a complimentary plate of James Cameronion rings. (He hands Beth a small card.)
Jerry: (Annoyed) Great. Not only is the ship not sinking, but now the fourth wall has been broken.
Beth: (Sigh) I am gonna go back to the room to finish my book. You should find that Lucy woman. (Walks away from Jerry)
Jerry: But -- but --
(Lucy walks up To Jerry.)
Lucy: You see, Jerry? (She puts her hand on Jerry's shoulder) May I show you something?
(Screen cuts to the storage area of the ship. Lucy and Jerry enter it. It's stocked full of boxes, nets and barrels.) 
Lucy: Had everything gone as planned, this entire area would be underwater.
Jerry: I would have liked to see it. This trip has been a "Titanic" failure. (Turns to face Lucy) Get it?
(Lucy removes her dress, exposing her naked body.)
Jerry: (Shocked and confused) Ooh!
Lucy: Draw me, Jerry.
Jerry: (Awkwardly glancing at her body) Oh, boy. Lucy, wow. Uh, this isn't what I had in mind.
Lucy: But it's the perfect moment. We've been dreaming about this for 16 years.
Jerry: Um, not like this. Not -- not with you. Heh.
Lucy: (Lifts up a gun she has in her hand, and aims it at Jerry. She walks towards him) You are gonna draw me.
Jerry: Aah! (Backs away)
Lucy: Then you're going to fuck me in that car over there. (Points at an old-fashion car with the gun)
(Screen cuts to a part of the alien dimension that the Smith family's house is stranded in. Abradolph Lincoler, Morty, and Nancy are walking down a path, searching for the crystals. Morty is holding Ricks scanning device.)
Abradolph Lincoler: (Thinking) It's weird, 'cause I definitely think that all men are created equal. But, at the same time --
Morty: (Interupts him to shut him up) Okay! Um, the crystals should be really close.
Nancy: (Points at big pink crystals growing out of the ground) There they are!
(Morty and Nancy both run to collect some, but are stopped by Abradolph Lincoler.)
Abradolph Lincoler: Wait. Something's not right.
(A big two-headed creature attacks Abradolph Lincoler, knocking him down. Nancy shrieks.)
Abradolph Lincoler: Get the crystals! I'll handle the beast! Prepare to be emancipated from your own inferior genes! (He lunges at the creature, as he tackles it down. Nancy and Morty quickly grab some crystals and put them in a small bag.)
Nancy: Summer's gonna like me again. 
(The creature is still attacking Abradolph Lincoler. It strikes him down. Nancy and Morty watch, concerned.)
(Abradolph Lincoler throws the dead alien creature, as he sits and leans on a giant rock, exhausted. He is suffering from severe bleeding cuts. Morty and Nancy run up to him.)
Morty: Lincoler, come on! Let's get out of here!
Abradolph Lincoler: Mein journey is over, Morty. (Grunts) I have something important to tell you.
(The screen cuts to the living room. Everyone is listening to Gearhead singing a song while playing his guitar.)
Gearhead: ♪ And the gears, they turned for a thousand years ♪ ♪ until the dark day that they stopped ♪
(Nancy and Morty run in)
Morty: (Huff) Rick, I got them! I got the crystals! (He hands Rick the bag)
Rick: All right! You did it, Morty. (Walks away)
Morty: Rick, wait! There's something you need to know. I couldn't have done it without Lincoler. He said that he was really sorry and that he loves you like a father.
(Nancy tears up)
Morty: He only wanted you to accept him, and he hopes that his final act would redeem him in your eyes. (Morty tears up and wipes his eye) He sacrificed himself to save all of us, Rick. He died.
(Nancy comforts Morty)
Rick: Well, at least he didn't die in vain. He got these crystals. (Rick cuts up the crystals into dust with his credit card, and snorts it up. Ricks eyes turn blue) And these babies just saved this lame-ass party! Wubba, lubba, dub, dub! Play something. Somebody, play something.
(A stereo robot presses a button to play a song. Morty and Nancy watch in confusion.)
Morty: Wait a minute. What?
(A song starts, as Rick prepares himself. Everyone else is watching, bobbing their heads to the beat of the music.)
Rick: (Dancing) ♪ Put your right foot forward ♪ ♪ and your left foot back ♪ ♪ then fucking slide around ♪
♪ like on a nordictrack ♪
(People start to copy him)
Rick: ♪ move to the left ♪
♪ step to the right ♪
♪ wiggle your elbows, and look ♪
♪ up into the light ♪
Song: ♪ it's the, it's the ♪
♪ it's the Rick dance ♪
♪ it's the, it's the ♪
♪ it's the Rick dance ♪
(The people who aren't dancing are watching and bobbing their head. Tammy is sitting on Birdperson's lap. They are both enjoying the dance.)
Rick: Slow Mobius, hit me with the clock beam!
(Slow Mobius uses his magic clock wands to mess with time, and to make his dance look cool. A record rewinding can be heard.)
Song: ♪ It's the, it's the ♪ ♪ it's the Rick dance ♪
(The song ends.)
(Everyone cheers)
Rick: That's the Rick dance! All right! (burp) Whoa, man!
Morty: What the hell was that?! I thought those crystals were supposed to help us get home or something!
Rick: What? No, no, no. I can get us home whenever I want to. But, listen, speaking of those crystals, can I get the rest of them? I'm starting to come down, Morty. (His eye color turns back to normal) Crystal kalaxian is a really strong, but fleeting high. (He scratches the side of his face)
(Morty takes the bag of crystals and throws them outside. An alien grabs the bag and takes it away)
Morty: That's what I think of your crystals, Rick!
Rick: Oh, Morty, you idiot! Does anybody else have any more k-lax? B-birdperson?
(Birdperson shrugs)
Rick: Uh, squanchy?
Squanchy: Don't squaunch at me.
(The alien who took the crystals in seen doing the 'Rick dance' in the background.)
Morty: All right, everybody, party is officially over! Rick, take us home now.
Rick: All right, all right, fine, Morty, you party pooper buzzkill! Boo, boo! Morty sucks!
(Everyone starts booing at Morty.)
Tammy: Boo! You suck, whatever your name is.
Everyone: Boo!
Rick: Morty, you're the worst, Morty.
(Morty walks away, angry.)
Gearhead: But these gears just started turnin'.
(The scene cuts back to the Titanic. Nervous Jerry is drawing Lucy onto a notebook.)
Lucy: Almost finished, Jerry?
Jerry: Uh, almost. I haven't quite captured your beautiful eyes.
Lucy: (Still holding the gun) I'm sure it's good enough. Move!
(Screen cuts to the old-fashion car. Jerry and Lucy walk up to it.)
Lucy: Every weekend, Jacks and Roses have their Titanic experience in this car, and I have to mop it up. The floor drops out to make it easier. (She licks the car, as the floor of the car detatches.) But now it's my turn. We're going to get it nice and steamy in there, and I'm going to slam my hand on the steam and leave a nice handprint, and then you're going to love inside of me.
(Lucy shoves Jerry into the car. He whines in fear, as he clutches onto his drawing on the notebook.)
Lucy: No mess. No clean.
(A book is thrown at Lucy, knocking her out. Beth threw it.)
Jerry: (Reieved) Beth!
Beth: Bet you're glad I think kindles are dumb now.
(Jerry runs over to Beth, hugging her. He throws the notebook with his drawing onto Lucy, as a few men, including the tour guide.)
(Screen cuts to the parking lot of the Titanic getaway. Jerry and Beth are outside their car, while Jerry is packing their stuff into the back.)
Beth: I can't help but feel a little guilty. I didn't peg Lucy for a rapist.
Jerry: What does a rapist look like exactly, Beth? Is it a slavic man wearing a denim jacket with a patchy beard and the scent of cheap champagne wafting over his blister-pocked lips? (Feeling scared due to a flashback)
Beth: What?
(Jerry glances around, not answering.)
Beth: Well, at least you got all this free stuff. (She enters the door into the drivers seat, as Jerry closes the back door, and tries to fit a painting board from the titanic boat.)
Beth: Should be enough to satisfy your Titanic Jones for a while.
Jerry: (Puts the board into the passenger seat) Ugh! I'm not going to fit. (Hangs onto the board, recreating Jack's death from the Titanic movie. He slowly slips off) Beth, listen to me. You're going to get out of here. You're gonna go on, and --
Beth: (Interrupts Jerry) Jerry, just leave the door.
Jerry: It's not a door, Beth. It's debris.
Beth: I don't care. Just leave it.
Jerry: Yeah. Okay. (He takes out the board and leaves it on the ground, as he gets into the car. He has Lucy's necklace. He drops it out of the car window. Lucy is seen hanging onto the underneath of their car. The car starts moving)
Lucy: Ahahahah! "Cape fear"! Hahahaha! "Cape fear"! I'm -- I'm doing -- I'm -- I'm going to do like from "cape fear".
(Lucy accidentally lets go and gets run over by the car.)
Lucy: Ugh! Auh! Augh! (huff) (huff) 
(Lucy is bleeding and very injured. She moans in pain, trying to crawl.)
(Screen cuts to where the hole is where Smith family's house was, as it teleports back there. People and aliens are seen leaving the house.)
Squanchy: Hey, squanchers! The party's squanching on at my place!
(Everyone cheers on with Squanchy. Brad and Jessica are seen exiting the house too. Brad's arm is around Jessica. Morty sees this, shocked.)
Summer: Cool. I'm coming, too.
Squanchy: (Stops Summer) Uh, no. You're not squanchy enough for a squanchy party.
Summer: What?
Squanchy: Nancy told us what a bitch you are. (Leaves)
(Nancy follows everyone else.)
Summer: Guys, seriously. Nancy?
Nancy: Summer, you're a bad person. All you care about is having popular people like you. That's not what Abradolph Lincoler stood for. Well, I-it was hard to pin down what he stood for, but it's certainly not what he died for.
(Nancy leaves out the door, and Morty slams the door, mad.)
(The house is completely trashed. Rick flops onto the couch and falls asleep, while Summer sits on the small couch. Morty picks up a garbage bag and tries to clean up the mess.)
Summer: Next time I party, I'm just gonna focus on getting totally wrecked. (To Rick) You're so wise.
Rick: (Groan) (Mumbles) Hmm, yeah. Mhh mhm... (Rick falls asleep, snoring)
(Birdperson is at the entrance to the back yard. Morty walks up to him as Birdperson hands him a piece of trash.)
Birdperson: May I assist you with that?
Morty: Uh, sure, yeah. (Takes the trash and puts it in the garbage bag) Thanks. (Continues to pick up trash)
Birdperson: Morty, do you know what "wubba lubba dub dub" means?
Morty: Uh, that's just Rick's stupid nonsense catchphrase.
Birdperson: (Walks up to Morty) It's not nonsense at all. In my people's tongue, it means, "I am in great pain. Please help me."
Morty: Well, I got news for you. He's saying it ironically.
(Summer gets up from the couch and walks away.)
(Morty walks over to the giant hole that's blasted into the wall. Birdperson follows.)
Birdperson: No, Morty. Your grandfather is, indeed, in very deep pain. That is why he must numb himself.
Morty: Come on, um...
Birdperson: Birdperson.
Morty: Come on, birdperson. Rick's not that complicated. He's just a huge asshole.
Birdperson: Then why do you care so much if you are no longer allowed to continue on your adventures together? It appears fate has presented you with an opportunity to free yourself of Rick forever.
Morty: You know what? You're right. I shouldn't even care. This is probably the best thing that could have happened to me.
(Morty walks into the kitchen and throws the garbage bag on the floor. Summer is seen cleaning up the table by removing empty cups.)
Morty: I'm sick of having adventures with Rick.
Birdperson: My people have another saying-- "gubba nub nub doo rah kah". It means, "whatever lets you sleep at night".
(Summers phone sounds a notification. She checks it.)
Summer: Guys, mom and dad are, like, right around the corner.
Birdperson: This is your moment, Morty. Choose wisely. Tammy!
(Tammy jumps onto his back, and he takes flight.)
Birdperson: Caw!
(Morty looks out the window to see Beth and Jerry's car drive around the corner and towards the house. He looks back to Rick, who is still napping.)
Summer: Wow. We are so screwed.
Morty: (Walks over to Rick, and shakes him) Rick, wake up.
Rick: Huh? What? Wait? What? What? Stop.
Morty: Rick, you got to do something quick. My parents are home.
Rick: Augh. Uh, all -- all right. (Sits up and grabs a glass of water sitting on the coffee table.) All right. Hold -- hold on. (He drinks from the glass) Ahh! So good. 
(Morty looks out the window again.)
Morty: Oh, my God. They're walking up the driveway.
Rick: Bring me the thing.
Morty: What -- what thing?
Rick: (Rubbing his forehead and focusing) The thing. The thing. The -- the -- it's got, like, buttons on it and lights on it. It -- it -- it beeps.
Morty: Rick! That describes everything in your garage!
Summer: (Walks up to Rick with a remove device) Do you mean this?
Rick: Summer (burp) for for the win.
(Rick presses a button on the device, as orange rays of light flash.)
Rick: All right, that should do it.
Morty: Whoa! What did you do?
Rick: Uh, s-see for yourself.
(Morty and Summer walk out of the house to discover that Rick has paused time. Beth and Jerry are stuck in place, and nothing is moving.)
Summer: Whoa!
Rick: Yeah, e-everything's frozen in time. Yeah, and slow mobius thinks he's all that.
Morty: For how long?
(Summer waves her hand in Jerry's face to get his attention. He doesn't respond.)
Rick: I don't know. How long do you guys want? A week? A month? 
Summer: Can we start cleaning the house and see how we feel?
(The scene cuts to multiple scenes of a montage of Rick, Morty, and Summer doing stuff together and having fun.)
(They are seen cleaning up the living room. Morty vacuuming, Summer wiping down a coffee table, and Rick sweeping.)
(The scene cuts to the three painting the now repaired wall. As Rick turns around, he accidentally flicks some paint onto Summer. The three then start flicking paint at each other for fun.)
(The scene cuts to Rick, Morty and Summer carving pumpkins, and placing them onto Beth and Jerry's heads)
(The scene cuts to the three running down a busy street, pulling the people's pants down, exposing them.)
(The scene cuts to the three running into Best Buy, and taking a new TV.)
(The scene cuts to Rick, Morty and Summer watching the Titanic on their new TV outside. The movie just ended.)
Rick: Worst movie ever.
Summer: Dumb.
Morty: Ooh, boy, what a waste of time. 
(Everyone realises the joke, and laugh together.)
Morty: Get it? You know, 'cause it's frozen.
Summer: This has been so much fun.
Morty: Hey, Rick. You know, this whole time, I haven't once heard you say that "wubba lubba dub dub" thing that you usually say.
Rick: Don't need to. I have a (burp) new catchphrase.
Morty: Oh, yeah? What -- what's that, Rick?
Rick: love my grandkids.
Morty and Summer in unison: (Hug Rick) Aww.
Rick: Psych! Just kidding -- my new catchphrase is, "I don't give a fuck". 
(Rick turns on a radio, as he sings the lyrics, and dances. Morty and Summer join in.)
Rick and the song: ♪ Just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got ♪ ♪ just shake that ass, bitch, and let me see whatcha got ♪ Roll credits! ♪ Just shake that a-- Roll the credits! Go! ♪ Just shake that ass That's the end of season one! 
(The screen zooms out.)
Rick: That's the end, motherfucker! "I don't give a fuck" is my new catchphrase! Fuck you! That's season one! Boom! Season one up in your face, motherfucker! Yeah!
(CREDITS)
(END CREDITS SCENE)
(Abradolph Lincoler is seen still dead on the rock. But he opens his eyes.)
Abradolph Lincoler: Revenge. 
(Abradolph Lincoler gets picked up by an alien.)
Abradolph Lincoler: What?!
(The alien stuffs him into it's hole. Another alien comes up to him, and takes the shirtless guy out of it's hole.)
Shirtless guy: Party!
(The other one pulls Abradolph Lincoler back out of it's hole, and they swap people with their holes. More aliens show up as they join in on it. Abradolph Lincoler and the shirtless guy are going back and forth into the aliens.)
Shirtless guy: Whoo, baby!
Abradolph Lincoler: Please, stop!
Shirtless Guy: Hey, brah!
Abradolph Lincoler: I don't understand. Are you enjoying this? Do you like this?
Shirtless Guy: Yeah, you know it, dawg! Whoo, baby!
(END)
Category:Rick and Morty Transcripts