Zingo!!

[HBO Max Original intro. Theme song plays.]
[The episode starts]
Mark: I have everything I got for today. Oh, and don't forget tonight is Game Night.
Veronica: What is Game Night?
Aubrey: What are we playing?
Johnathan: Yeah Dad, what are we playing?
Mark: Tonight, we will be playing Drawsome.
Veronica: Mark, I don't think that's the game of the name.
Mark: Trust me, Veronica, Drawsome is the game you've ever played.
Aubrey: Hey Dad, who else is showing up to this Drawsome event?
Mark: I got a giant baby, Kosmo, and my cousin, Bark.
[All the Strickland family groan in disappointment after mentioning Mark.]
Mark: What?
Johnathan: Your cousin Bark is really annoying.
Aubrey: Yeah, he's always telling lame jokes.
Mark: Kids, what are you talking about? His jokes aren't that bad.
Veronica: Come on, every other word out of that guy's mouth is some annoying joke. Some joke isn't funny.
[A taxi pulls up]
Bark: And then he said, "Yes, I do!" (laughs) Alright, seriously, last one, cause I got to go. Why did --
[The taxi driver is so annoyed by his jokes that he locks his door, and drives away fast as he can to avoid the jokes]
Bark: Hey wait, I didn't get to finish my punchline! Damn! Aw well, he's probably already heard my routine. (turns around and sees all of the others) Heeey, who's ready for some funny?
Everyone except Mark: Ugh!
Johnathan: Fuck, he's here.
Mark: You guys all remember my cousin, Bark.
Everyone except Mark: Hey, Bark.
Bark: Hey, Veronica. Nice to see ya. Speaking of "see ya," what did one ocean say to the other ocean? "'Sea ya later!" (laughs)
Veronica: I don't understand.
Bark: Oh, well, an ocean is a body of water, and the sea is also --
Veronica: Now you're talking shit, please stop.
Bark: A little more care will give you a little more hair. Zingo!
Veronica: Damn it!
Aubrey: Hello, Bark, I'm Aubrey.
Bark: Aubrey, looking good. In fact, you look amazing. Just a compliment, don't get a boyfriend.
[Everyone is shocked]
Bark: Oops, too late! Zammo!
Aubrey: (upset) I'll crush him.
Johnathan: Dude!
Bark: And of course, Johnathan Strickland, you love the jokes, why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bay-gulls! (laughs) I got a whole bit about bodies of water. What? You say you want another one?
Johnathan: We didn't say anything.
Bark: What did the lake say to the puddle?
Mark: Come on now, Bark. Let's get you unpacked. You probably want to lie down after your trip.
Bark: Guess it's time to take this comedy show on the road. And by comedy show, I mean me! Zingo! (leaves)
Johnathan: Dad, he's even worse than last time.
Aubrey: Yeah, tell your cousin that if he can't stop telling jokes, then he's gotta get outta here.
Mark: Watch your tone, guys! I invited him here. No one told you to get rid of your ex Robert when he kissed you on the lips.
Veronica: Mark!
Mark: But yeah, you guys tried to get rid of him for good.
Aubrey: That's because it's from last week! I tried to get rid of him!
Mark: Alright fine, I'll tell him soon. But I'm warning you, you also need to pay attention to me.
[While Mark leaves, everyone coughs]
Bark: Wow guys, those coughs sound pretty serious. You guys should see a doctor. Oh, that reminds me, why did the clown go to the doctor? He was feeling a little funny!
Aubrey: Such crazy piece of shit.
[Scene cuts to Mark's room]
Mark: I set up the extra cot for ya. Make yourself at home.
Bark: Could I also make myself six feet tall and handsome? Zingo!
Mark: Oh my God. Look, Bark, I gotta tell you something.
Bark: (serious) Wait, I need to tell you something. I just really appreciate you letting me hang out tonight, Mark.
Mark: Uh-huh.
Bark: I actually got fired from the comedy club, and I needed to hang out with family and friends. This weekend is really gonna help me get my confidence back. Everything didn't happen to me. Son of a bitch! (sniffles) Sorry. Didn't mean to get so serious. Don't worry! I'm gonna take a walk and come back funnier than ever. Zingo! (leaves)
[Scene cuts to nighttime and everyone is at Mark's door. Mark comes out.]
Veronica: Who's ready for some... (singsong) Drawsome?
Aubrey: I've drawn everything I drew. A boy and a girl doing sexy things!
Johnathan: Don't be ridiculous.
Veronica: Wait, did you talk to your cousin?
Mark: I, uhh....
Bark: Knock, knock!
Aubrey: (in an annoyed tone of voice) Who's there?
Bark: Radio. (long silence) You're supposed to go "Radio, who?"
Aubrey: (sounding just as annoyed) Radio, who?
Bark: Radio not, here I come! Zingo! It's funny cuz' I said "Zingo!" at the end. And I see you brought a #2 Pencil. Do pencils even go Number #2? Maybe after too many beans.
[Aubrey drops away her pencil and glares furiously at Bark.]
Bark: Do pencils even eat beans? I mean, am I right, guys? What's that all about? (chuckles) So, who's ready to get started? You guys all in?
Aubrey: This joke's a bitch.
[Everyone begins to disagree angrily and walk away and get in the car, because they refuse to play with Bark, because of his lame and bad jokes]
Mark: (not wanting them to leave) Wait here, just a second. (jumps onto her car window) Wait! You guys can't leave!
Veronica: Yes we can!
Aubrey: There's no way I'm playing Drawsome with my boyfriend!
Johnathan: Yeah! He's not funny. I'm just gonna have a punch in the face any day.
Mark: (opens the door) You're all my family, and you guys have to stay! You know you owe me. Veronica?
[Veronica remembers flashbacks of things Mark has married Veronica.]
Mark: Johnathan? Aubrey?
[Johnathan and Aubrey remember flashbacks of things Mark has done to play arcade games in the arcade. Back in the present, Veronica, Johnathan and Aubrey change their minds.]
Aubrey: Alright, I guess we'll stay.
[Scene cuts to Mark, Veronica, Johnathan, Aubrey, and Bark getting ready for "Drawsome"]
Bark: Hey, you guys puttin' up paper?
Veronica: (flatty) Hell yeah.
Bark: What did the guy paper, say to the girl paper, when he picked her up for a date? (long silence) I like your pad. (chuckles) Get it? Like a pad of paper!
Veronica: Shit!
[Kosmo and Reglisse arrive with a bowl of dip]
Reglisse: Hello.
Aubrey: Aw, dip!
Johnathan: Whoo! Yeah! (everyone goes to try the dip) This dip is great!
Aubrey: What's your secret?
Kosmo: A cosmic chef never reveals his methods.
Bark: Hey, have you heard the one about the chef in space? He was famous for his spaghetti and "meteorballs". Meteorballs? Yeah, I'm still working on it. (tries the dip as the guys glare at him in confusion)
Veronica: Hey, don't put dips on my kids!
Bark: What? Dips are the greatest!
Mark: Uh, okay everyone. Let's get this game night rolling.
[Scene cuts to the game starting, Aubrey draws a shrimp.]
Veronica: Uh, lobster!
Johnathan: Crustacean!
Mark: Shrimp!
[Aubrey grunts and circles her picture]
Mark: Mumbo Jumbo Shrimp!
Aubrey: Yes! (laughs)
[Scene cuts to Kosmo drawing an abnormal looking circle]
Bark: Go, Kosmo, go!
Reglisse: Is that Netflix or HBO Max? Oh, villain! (Kosmo draws more of his picture)
Bark: Your mom? Your mom's boyfriend?
Johnathan: How else are you gonna pay for Netflix!?
Mark: Time's up!
[Reglisse, Kosmo and Bark groan in disappointment and defeat]
Kosmo: (drops the crayon in anger) Goddamn it! Man in the moon! It was "Man in the moon"!
Bark: Wow! For real? I really thought that was your mom's boyfriend. Zingo!
[Kosmo looks dumfounded. Montage of the game progress.]
Bark: How you catch a unique lion? "Unique" up on him. Zingo! How do you catch a tame lion? "Tame" way! Zingo! Fuck, you're awesome, Mark!
Aubrey: (agitated) Johnny, is this Game Night or Lame Night?
Johnathan: (annoyed) Yeah, we came here to play Drawsome, not listen to jokes.
Bark: Guys, guys. Call me crazy, but maybe if you laughed more, you'd have a better time. And maybe, you'll even draw better, before you could all watch The Sex Lives of College Girls or Velma.
Kosmo: Hey, what do you think you're doing? You're on our team, remember?
Reglisse: Yeah. Are you trying to make us lose?
Bark: It's just a game, Reglisse. Hey, that reminds me! Why can't you play games in the jungle? Because there's always gonna be a "cheetah"!
Reglisse: Just take the game seriously!
Mark: (takes Bark aside) Bark, try not to upset Reglisse.
Bark: Aw, why would I want to upset the little guy?
Mark: He gets upset if people don't take the game seriously.
Bark: I hear you, loud and clear, Mark.
Mark: Good. Okay, Reglisse. You're up.
Bark: Good luck, Reglisse!
Reglisse: Jesus Christ, I don't need luck. I was a communications major. (draws picture)
Kosmo: Bacon?
Bark: Bacon.
Reglisse: (annoyed) Oh shit, he just said that!
Bark: Uh, bacon!
Reglisse: It isn't bacon!
Bark: C'mon! Are you sure its not bacon? Zingo!
Mark: Time!
Reglisse: Fire engine! It is a fire engine! You would have got it if you didn't keep guessing "bacon"!
Bark: But guessing "Bacon" is way funnier than guessing "Fire Engine." (points) Look, it's got a side of eggs.
Reglisse: That is a dalmatian!
Bark: (laughs) Dalmatian?
Reglisse: I majored in communications!
Bark: Maybe it's time for a refresher course. No crap, cuz' all you're communicating here is that you don't know how to draw a Dalmatian. Zingo!
Reglisse: What?! No one tells me that I need a refresher course!
Kosmo: That was a bit harsh, Bark. "Drawsome" is supposed to be a safe space, free of judgement.
Bark: Aw. Is Baby upset? Is he gonna call the "Waahmbulance"?
Reglisse: (enraged) How dare you!!
Mark: (angry) Dude, what the hell?!
Bark: Whoa, whoa! Okay buddy. You were right, Mark, he does get upset when people don't take the game seriously. Maybe somebody haven't gave an F-U-C-K. (does the middle finger) Zingo!
Reglisse: ENOUGH!!!
[Finally furious with Bark's jokes, he zaps both Mark and Bark into a cube with his rattle]
Johnathan and Aubrey/Veronica: Dad!/Mark!
Mark: Smooth move, butt face.
Bark: He missed out on a great punch line.
[Mark punches a wall several times]
Bark: Hey Reglisse, you might wanna get some help for your anger issues. It could lead to high blood pressure. That's a dangerous health risk for a baby.
Reglisse: I DO NOT HAVE ANGER ISSUES!!! (zaps the cube, sending it into a wall)
Kosmo: Just take a deep breath, man. We're all just here to draw some pictures.
Mark: Bark, you gotta stop!
Bark: No! I haven't been this claustrophobic since before I was born. Talk about a "womb with a view." At least he's not closin' the walls in on us.
Reglisse: Great idea! (shrinks the cube)
Mark: Oh my God, why did you say that? We're gonna get crushed!
Bark: It was a joke!
Mark: Shit!
[Mark tries to stop the cube from shrinking]
Veronica: Mark! Mark!
[Johnathan and Aubrey toss a dumbbell at the cube but get zapped]
Bark: Uh-oh, Mark, your babies woke up on the wrong side of the crib. Zingo!
Aubrey: (angry) Hey!!
[Reglisse growls in anger]
Kosmo: Calm down, man. Have some 7-layer dip.
Bark: Jeez. I didn't mean to get you all "fucked up"! (laughs) Mark, did you see what I did there? I used "fucked up"! Can't this guy take a joke?
Reglisse: Okay, funny man! If you're so fond of your jokes, why don't you listen to some of your own? (zaps the cube, bringing goofy looking pictures of Bark onto the walls)
Bark Photo #1: Where do sheep go to get their haircuts?
Bark Photo #2: To the "baa-baa" shop.
Bark Photo #3: Why was the broom late for school? It "over-swept".
Bark Photo #4: How do you catch a fish on your computer? With the "Inter-Net".
Bark: (laughs) This guy's power has some shit mode! Don't worry, Mark. I'll just tell Reglisse some more jokes.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Bark: Seriously. As soon as I get him laughing, he'll let us out for an encore.
Mark: For the last time, he's not gonna laugh at your jokes, you bitch! (pushes against the walls, making them crack)
Bark: Sure he will! Maybe he just has a problem with understanding them.
Mark: THE BABY IS NOT THE PROBLEM HERE! YOU ARE!!
Bark: What do you mean?
Mark: All you do is tell bad jokes!
Bark: What?! People love those jokes.
Mark: No, they don't! They're just some bullshit jokes! (punches a wall) Even you're not funny! (continues punching walls until the cube is entirely destroyed.)
Veronica: Oh, thank god.
Aubrey: Dad, are you alright?
Mark: Yeah, I've been worse.
Bark: (groans) I had no idea that you guys didn't think I was funny. I thought you all called me "Bark" because my last name is "Buckland".
Mark: No, it's because you're always telling jokes.
Veronica: Yeah, really bad jokes.
Johnathan: Screw that.
Mark: Johnny! Look, Bark, I know you really wanna be a sexy comedian, but it's just really annoying when you're always trying out your material on us.
Bark: I'm sorry, everybody. I had no idea. I just really thought you guys all thought I was hilarious. I wish you had told me this sooner.
Mark: That's okay.
Bark: This must be why I got fired from the comedy club. Zingo!
[Kosmo and Reglisse blush a little]
Bark: Sorry, sorry! Just kidding. I promise I'll stop now. Actually, I think I know a place that my jokes just might work.
Mark: (pause) Can you go fuck yourself?
[Scene cuts to Bark dressed like a clown]
Bark: Why do clowns love telling jokes? Because they "nose" what's funny! (honks nose) Zingo! (children laugh)
Veronica: You know, Mark, that's a better audience for him.
Mark: Uh-huh. Yeah.
[End of "Zingo!!". Cartoon Network Studios Europe and Williams Street outro.]
Category:Inquisition Force Transcripts