Murder Drones (Pilot)/Transcript

==Scene 1==
(GLITCH YouTube old channel intro.)
(The episode opens with a closeup on a Worker Drone's display printing out the text "BOOTING UP// EXPOSITION" and zooms out as Uzi starts talking.)
Uzi Doorman: We are Worker Drones: autonomous robots helping humans mine exoplanets for our interstellar parent company, JCJenson [sic], IN SPAAAAACEE....
(The JCJenson logo fades in with the "IN SPAAAAACEE" part appearing soon after.)
Uzi: Yeah, we were mistreated in the name of Windex but it's not like we revolted and killed all humans or anything. Mostly because they handled that just fine all by themselves.
(The scene cuts to a view of a screen stating the planet's core is about to collapse and two humans shrug as the view zooms out to Copper 9's core exploding. It then goes to a view of the snowy wasteland of the city and the skeletal remains of a human as a Worker Drone pushes it over.)
Uzi: With biological life wiped from the planet, we found it pretty easy to pick up where they left off. We finally had a future... all to ourselves.
(An Untrained Neural Network is shown being held by a Worker Drone as the scene then cuts to a Landing Pod crashing into the planet with Disassembly Drones emerging.)
Uzi: Unfortunately... our parent company didn't exactly love the concept of runaway AI.
(The Disassembly Drones start to slaughter all the Worker Drones as Worker Drone limbs are blown around as the scene fades to a shot of a corpse spire and a symbol flashes for a split second right before the Murder Drones logo is shown and it fades to show that it was just a presentation by Uzi.)
==Scene 2==
Uzi: But what have our parents done for the past forever while those things build a spire of corpses?! Hide under the ice behind three stupid doors?! It's like we're waiting for an inciting incident. Anyway, that's why my project is... this sick-as-hell railgun!
(Uzi pulls out her railgun and points it at the students as they gasp.)
Riley: That's so not the vibe!
Uzi: Easy, morons. It doesn't work. YET. It doesn't work yet. Who said it doesn't work?! Maybe it does!
(Uzi flicks her railgun on as she cackles and points it back at the students again.)
Teacher: (Sighs) Uzi, the homework was a word problem about buying watermelons.
Uzi: Oh, and this magnetically amplified photon converger doesn't count?
Teacher: No. Plus, repressed emotional baggage was only worth two points on the rubric, (Electricity crackles off Uzi's railgun) And is it supposed to be that color?
(The view cuts to outside the classroom as an explosion happens inside as coughing is heard.)
Uzi: (Gasps in shock) Huh?
==Scene 3==
(Uzi in the nurse's office as Doll and Lizzy walk by and mock her.)
Lizzy: (Gasps) Oh, here. No, wait, hold on. Shh. Eww. (Scoffs.) It didn't kill her. Oh, my God, I'm so bad.
Uzi: Ugh. (Sighs) Alright!
(Thad sees Uzi in surprise as he was walking into the office.)
Thad: (Laughs) Classic toxic masculinity, Chad! That's never gonna end up problematic. Oh, wow- Uzi? I-I heard you, uh-
(Uzi throws her ice pack into the trash can.)
Uzi: I'm an angsty teen, Thad. Bite me. Also, how do you know my name? People willingly talk to you.
Thad: (Chuckles) Well, I'd say everyone knows Khan's daughter, but, uh... then you might blow the other half of your face off.
(Motivational pictures of Khan are shown as Thad is talking.)
Uzi: Crippling daddy issues. Hilarious. What are you in for? Testosterone too hard?
Thad: That can happen?! Awesome. Hey, those bandages look pretty badass.
Uzi: Oh. (Blushing) E-Ew, gross. I hate that you said that.
Thad: So, what's the, uh...
(Uzi points her railgun at Thad and stands up on the chair.)
Uzi: Sick-as-hell railgun? (Chuckles) Sci-fi nonsense that super works. I'm sneaking to the Murder Drone lair tonight to get the last spare part I need to save the world with it and earn my dad's respect and stuff- Uh, but mostly the world part.
Thad: Oh- but doesn't your dad make awesome doors so we don't have to, uh... do that scary-sounding emotionally repressed stuff you just said?
(Uzi points her railgun at Thad again but closer as she cocks the railgun.)
Uzi: No more feedback on my repression today!
Thad: Ow! I'm sorry. I-I-I didn't think-
(Uzi walks off and yells at Thad.)
Uzi: Bite me! (Uzi then comes back) I'm not mad you, by the way-- just generally hormonal!
==Scene 4==
(The scene cuts to a shot of the abandoned cityscape then cuts to a view of Uzi's visor making an alarm sound as she then slaps her face, silencing it.)
(Uzi then grabs her railgun, gives two thumbs up, and steals her dad's door keycard. The scene cuts to Uzi at the entrance of the bunker as she walks towards the door.)
Uzi: Tsk. Ugh.
(Uzi opens the first door only for Khan to be standing there.)
Uzi: (Shocked) Oh, robo-Jesus!
Khan: And where might you be off to?
Uzi: Mm, sneaking out to make out with my boyfriend that I definitely have?
(Khan sees right past Uzi's lie.)
Khan: (Laughs) Seriously, though.
Uzi: (Groans) Okay, okay. You caught me. I need to... measure the exterior hydraulic mechanisms of Door 1, because that's... the project I'm working on for school? A big old door! (Laughs awkwardly) (Goofy accent) Just like what my old man built. (Laughs) I wanna join the WDF and hide behind doors like cowards while playing cards and stuff.
Khan: (Chuckles) Well, we don't just play cards.
(Khan tries to get Uzi to think that they don't but the door opens behind him, showing that he lied.) 
Makarov: Khan, can you grab a fresh pack? We literally only play cards so much that the numbers have faded. Oh! Hey, Uzi.
(Uzi chuckles and Khan shuts the door.)
Khan: Well... (Chuckles) When you build doors so good... (Hugging the door) Good door. Gooooood door. There's no need to fight. Uzi, this is great news! Here- the wrench I used to tighten bolts on my first door prototypes- and to put your mother out of her misery when the Murder Drones got to her with their nanite acid. I want you to have it.
(Khan hands Uzi the wrench.)
Uzi: Neat. Therapy's fun.
(Khan opens the door again excitedly and grabs Uzi.)
Khan: Guys! My daughter is into doors!
(The people playing cards cheer right before the outer door opens, blowing their cards away as one of them say "Aww, come on!" and another says, "Not my flush!".)
Khan: She's gonna be outside for a bit to examine the exterior of Door 1. Your door-specific destiny awaits!
(Uzi walks to the open door.)
Uzi: Uh, wow. Okay. Just gonna leave then... 'cause this worked so weirdly well. Uh, go, doors! (Laughs awkwardly)
Khan: (Sighs and taking off his mustache) They grow up so fast.
==Scene 5==
(The scene cuts to outside the outer door as Uzi inhales and exhales deeply and looks at the outside environment. She then walks to the spire until she steps on a Worker Drone corpse and looks up at the spire and enters it.)
Uzi: (Exclaims softly) Ugh.
(Uzi threw the arm to the ground and picks up the power source for her railgun but she hears a sound and a Disassembly Drone lands on the landing pod and drinks oil from a Worker Drone head then crushes it.)
(Uzi looks at the power source then back at the mirror noticing the Disassembly Drone looking at her as she gets up and tries to defend herself, but the Disassembly Drone lands right in front of her, causing her to lose balance as she does a backflip.)
Uzi: Ugh! (Grunts) Whoa- and they said pirating all that anime was useless. (Gasps)
(The Disassembly Drone lands in front of Uzi and stabs a hole in her hand with its Nanite Acid tail as she is thrown, seeing her hand burning.)
(The Disassembly Drone goes to shoot at where it threw Uzi but she isn't there, instead having her railgun as she blows its head up and it falls to the ground.)
Uzi: Bite me.
Uzi: (Gasps) Holy hell. Suck on that, Dad! Huh? [strange mechanical warbling]
(Uzi sees that its head is regenerating so she goes and picks up a Worker Drone arm and slaps it.)
Uzi: Rrrrruuugh!
(The Disassembly Drone reboots and stares at her.)
Disassembly Drone: Did you just slap me with that arm?
Uzi: Holy crap, it talks.
Disassembly Drone: Yeah, sorry- it's just, my, uh, head kinda hurts. Hey, are you new to our squad? You're a little, uh... 
(The Disassembly Drone looks at Uzi, not knowing she isn't a Disassembly Drone.)
N: ...short for a Disassembly Drone. I'm Serial Designation N! Nice to meet you. I'm kind of the leader of the squad in this city. (Whispers) That's not true. Everyone tells me I'm useless and terrible. Wait, I-I'm not supposed to tell you that part! Biscuits. (Sighs) Well, honesty is the best policy. (Chuckles) I also can't seem to remember the past three hours of my life. Ah, but I'm sure that'll sort itself out! (Chuckles)
(Uzi stares at N then goes to leave but her hand burns from the Nanite Acid.)
Uzi: Uh-huh. I, uh, have to... go. (Hisses through teeth) (Groaning)
N: Oof, stuck yourself? Just pop it in your mouth. Our saliva neutralizes the nanites. Otherwise, I'd be constantly disassembling myself. Heh!
Uzi: And by "our saliva," you mean...
Both: Disassembly Drone?
Uzi: Riiiight. Hey, let's go in that landing pod over there.
N: Sure! I love doing anything!
==Scene 6==
(The scene cuts to Uzi and N inside the landing pod with Uzi's hand his N's mouth as she then pulls it out.)
N: Bleh. Sweet. Uh... (Chuckles) I'm open to new things, I guess.
Uzi: We are never talking about this.
N: Talking about what? (Laughs) Consider it, uh, repressed.
Uzi: Uh, you mentioned other members of your squad? Are they coming back soon?
N: Oh, yeah- two others. Uh, they're out hunting for a bit, but you'll love them. First, there's V.
(The scene cuts to a flashback of V slaughtering a Worker Drone.)
Grant: (Grunts) No, no! Please, don't feed me my own entrails in front of my family!
Someone: Daddy!
Someone: Oh, my God! (Screaming)
V: (Laughs) And yet, I still feel nothing. (Eye twitches)
(N tries to talk to V.)
N: So, V, uh... (Chuckles nervously) I heard this planet-wide toxic death storm is supposed to be especially inhospitable tonight.
V: Huh? Oh, God! Who are you?
(V notices N and gets shocked then quickly flies away.)
N: Uh, no worries! I'm N! But a-a whole letter is a lot to remember! (Chuckles lamely)
(The scene cuts back to Uzi and N in the landing pod.)
N: So, obviously a lot of mutual respect there. But secretly, (Whispers) I actually kind of have a crush on her. You can't tell her, okay?! (Chuckles) Uh, then, there's J- our leader!
(The scene cuts to J pinning N to the ground scolding him.)
J: (Growls) N, you're worthless and terrible.
N: (Choking) Thank you.
J: And if the company allowed it, I would straight up kill you myself.
(The scene cuts back to Uzi and N in the landing pod.)
N: J's awesome. Hey, let me give you the tour- outside of the corpse... wall thingies. In here are the buttons! (Beeping.)
(Uzi looks at the panel N was pressing.)
Uzi: This isn't just a landing pod. This is a spaceship, this could get us off the planet.
N: Moooore of a one-use missile. They never taught us how to land.
Uzi: No, I- uh- uh, the Worker Drones- we could work with them to fix this! Instead of all the murder, which, uh- why are we doing that again?
N: Other than ingesting their (Deep, spooky voice) warm, sweet (Normal voice) oil to avoid overheating and dying? I guess I just want to be useful. I was given a job, and I always wanna try my best.
(Uzi stands up on her chair.)
Uzi: And look at all the respect it's gotten you, N. You really think the company isn't going to dispose of you once all the workers are dead?
N: Oh, my! You sure are rebellious. It's kind of exciting. U-Uh, but not as fun as, uh, following the rules.
(J is heard banging on the landing pod.)
N: Hey, they're back! You'll- U-Uh...
J: (Muffled) Idiot, get out here!
==Scene 7==
(The scene cuts to Uzi running away from the landing pod as V saw her then cuts back to the corpse spire.)
V: (Laughs) Yo, we got a worker out there I kind of wanna practice balloon animal shapes with. What happened here?
J: Synergistic liability here must have tripped and knocked himself offline. 
(J slaps N in the face, causing him to reboot.)
J: Moron bot. Hello?
(The scene cuts to a flashback of Uzi talking to N but this time N can see Uzi.)
Uzi: You really think the company isn't going to dispose of you once all the workers are dead? Bite me.
(The scene cuts back.)
N: Oh. Ohhhhh! You know, I-I-I left an e-extremely dangerous weapo- uh, an excuse o-outside.
==Scene 8==
(The scene cuts to Uzi running to the bunker then to the Worker Drones playing cards.)
Braxton: (Chuckles) I am out, boys.
Todd: Oh, gosh darn it.
Unnamed Worker Defense Force Member: Wait until my loving wife and kids hear about this.
(The outer door opens blowing the cards around as Uzi enters.)
Uzi: Ugh, bite me. Close it, close it!
(Uzi tries to use the keycard to close the door but N managed to stop it.)
N: Hey, fellas! Ooh, deal me in! I love Rummy! Wait, no. Tsk. I'm going to murder everyone. Brain check!
(N's tail breaks the keycard that Uzi was holding and the sensor causing the doors to open.)
Uzi: Gah!
Unknown: Oh, God!
Todd: (Chuckles) Um, actually? It's Gin Rummy, so...
(N pins Todd to the wall and proceeds to decapitate him and fires rockets at the people running and tackles the unnamed Worker Defense Force member, killing him.)
Braxton: Hey, Uzi! I just realized no one has, uh, said my name aloud so far. So I'm just letting you know, I'm R-
(N shoots a laser at Braxton, cutting him in half.)
(Uzi's railgun finishes recharging as she goes to try and stop N but he isn't there as Khan sees what happened.)
Khan: Pretty nice hydraulics, huh? (Gasps) (Dark musical sting) Wha- What have you done?
(N lands in front of Uzi and Khan causing them to be blown backwards and Uzi points her railgun at N.)
Uzi: This time, I won't miss.
N: (Chuckles) I'm sorry. I really enjoyed our time together. But I can't have you shooting V with that thing.
Uzi: Bite me. Dad, get down.
Khan: Uzi, you led a Murder Drone here?! (Tearfully) My beautiful doors!
Uzi: Now is so not the time! I messed up- in the same way I'm about to fix it. Move, Dad!
(N impales his wing into Uzi, pinning her to the wall as her railgun falls to Khan as Uzi tries to get him to shoot N.)
Uzi: (Coughs) (Gasps) D-Dad! P-Point and shoot! Trust me!
(Khan walks backwards and shuts the doors as the alarms turn on.)
Uzi: Dad?
(V and J appear and congratulate N as N throws Uzi to the side.)
J: Whoa, N.
Uzi: Whoa!
J: Am I dreaming, or did you do something not useless for once?
V: I've been trying to get past those doors for months. Nice work, N.
N: (Shocked) You... me... name... remember?
V: These ventilation shafts can easily get us around this last door. Lowest body count eats a missile! (Laughs)
(J pats N on the back.)
J: Way to go, stud. The company's gonna love this. 
N: (Chuckles) Ow.
J: With this colony wiped, we'll make top team this quarter for sure. (Sing-song) You know what that means. Branded pe-ens!
N: Ooooh.
(N looks at the pen.)
N: Uh, you know, not that I can't wait to keep murdering all these, uh... maybe not-so-actually-different from us Worker Drones, but just outta curiosity, do we actually, uh... (Hisses through teeth) know what the company plans to do with us afterwards?
J: Excuse me?
N: Okay, so, a Worker earlier might have suggested that they could fix up our landing pod to, uh, escape the planet and stuff. Which- Whoa, hey, that's against the rules! But it is kind of making me question why our pods were only-one way in the first place. 'Cause, y-you know, I get the feeling the company doesn't actually love robots, and, like, we might be robots? I've made a terrible mistake. It's cool how immediately I could tell.
(J walks over to N.)
J: Hmm. No way, buddy. Questioning the company? You just finally gave me the excuse I needed.
(J implants a virus into N.)
J: Worker Drones are corrupted, N. That's why the company sent us. I hate to see you corrupted as well.
N: (Stuttering, glitched speech) Thanks, J. Always looking out for me. You're awesome.
J: (Scoffs)
(Uzi stands up, grabs her railgun and tries to get to the others.)
N: (Glitchy) Ah, biscuits. I'm sorry. I ruined your card game, then made you have an awkward moment with your dad.
Uzi: And I made you rebel like an angsty teen, whiiich got you killed. Though, you also tried to kill me, so morality calls this a draw.
(Uzi pulls a box over to try to get to a vent but she can't reach it.)
Uzi: (Groans) For the record, that was the lamest heel-face turn in history. Was that supposed to be you switching sides?
N: (Coughs) Being rebellious is a lot harder than it looks. Thanks for showing me the ropes.
Uzi: Nuh-uh, no bonding thing. You just killed a bunch of people, idiot. 
N: That's super fair. (Sighs) I screwed up.
Uzi: (Clicks tongue) Uuuuugh. In the same way you're about to fix it.
(Uzi pulls out the wrench Khan gave her.)
N: (Laughs) I love doing anything.
==Scene 9==
(The scene cuts to Thad being thrown across the floor at the evacuation spot as J and V have found them.)
Thad: (Screams and grunts)
(Lizzy and Doll go to help Thad but they see J.)
Khan: So, they found our evacuation spot. But if we build a quick door-
Thad: (Grunting) (Spits) Are you kidding me? You're the WDF, right? Defend!
(The other Worker Drones back away.)
Thad: For real? 
V: (Laughing)
(V swoops down and grabs Thad, stabbing her wing into him and throwing him to the ground as Uzi and N arrive.)
Uzi: Hey!
V: Huh?
(The camera pans to Uzi and N and N is waving.)
Uzi: Put that conventionally attractive male down. (Bumps N)
N: Oof! Oh, uh, J? You're sometimes kind of mean to me, and I wish you weren't. Just some constructive criticism.
Uzi: Nice. 
N: Heh. (Fistbumps)
J: Noted, traitor. We'll circle back after I rightsize your existence.
Uzi: Okay, which one do you want?
N: J, please.
Uzi: Too bad. Good luck.
(Uzi throws a pen at J, stabbing her in one of her eyes as N gives V thumbs up.)
(Uzi runs over and aims her railgun at J but J blind-fires at her, knocking her over as a symbol appears on her face for a split-second.)
J: (Grabs pen) Damn the well-made, quality-assured durability of JC Jensen [sic] products! Huh?
(Uzi jumps onto J, impaling the pen into her again as Uzi dodges a laser from V and N tries to shoot V but hearts come out.)
N: Ah! My mind's in a weird place! Don't read into this!
(A rocket lands next to N blowing him to the side.)
J: Ugh! (Cackling)
(J charges an EMP, causing Uzi to short-circuit as N is fighting V.)
V: Yah! (Laughs)
(N sees J approaching Uzi.)
N: Uzi! I'm so, so sorry. Have fun repressing this! Mleh...
V: Eww! What the hell?
J: (Chuckles) You've got a lot of guts for a barely sentient toaster. I've had prey fight back before, but your edgy spirit is just so... (Crunch) painful?
(Uzi used J's tail to stab J.)
J: (Screams) Gah! Fourth quarter profits! Mother of company leadership retreats! (Falls)
Uzi: One more buzzword, and I'll do it. (Railgun whirring)
J: Equity partnersh-
(Uzi fires her railgun, eviscerating J into just arms and legs.)
Uzi: (Sighs and spits)
Thad: Holy hell, Uzi. That was insane! And you, too, uh...
N: Huh? Oh, uh, N. I'm an angsty, rebellious Disassembly Drone now.
Khan: (Clears throat)
Uzi: I brought the Murder Drones here accidentally. You chose to leave me for dead instead of just frickin' believing in me! And that's not even an edgy teen hyperbole like when I said it last week! (Sniffles and slaps herself) I'll save you the trouble, Dad. I banish myself! Let's go, N. Everyone here can bite me.
N: Nice to meet you, Mr. Uzi.
Uzi: Shut it.
(Khan takes a sip from his "#1 DAD" mug.)
==Scene 10==
(The scene cuts to Uzi sitting on a car with N in the corpse spire.)
N: I'd join you if the sun didn't kill me. Hope you're having important character growth or something, though!
Uzi: Just can't wait to murder all humans. Classic robot stuff. I hope they're sitting pretty there on Earth. (Face glitches displaying the AbsoluteSolver symbol) 'Cause we're coming for them. (Cackling)
ru:Пилотный Эпизод/Стенограмма
Category:Transcripts