The Good Stuff

The Good Stuff is the second episode of the first season spin-off PatBeard, and the 2nd episode overall. It released August 30, 2023, and was written by Locknloaded23.
==Plot==
PatBeard and SquidBow enjoy some cocaine.
==Script==
(Episode begins with PatBeard and SquidBow sitting in their fancy living room on their fancy sofa smoking pipes)
PatBeard: I am rather bored, SquidBow.
SquidBow: Yes. I am also bored. (Takes a smoke from his pipe and begins coughing)
PatBeard: Let's watch some TV, what do you say?
SquidBow: Mmmmm… Nah. I'm not in the mood for television. (Coughs even harder)
PatBeard: Then what say you and I… Take our yachts out for a while?
SquidBow: No, I'm not allowed to ride my yacht anymore. Not after some bitch sued me for running over and hospitalizing her dumbass kid. 
PatBeard: Well… I have no other ideas. What do you want to do?
SquidBow: How about we… uh… (takes a smoke and coughs exceptionally hard, then begins shouting in pain as he starts wheezing heavily and speaking weakly) God damnit, my fucking lung popped…
PatBeard: Wait, that's it - I know what we can do!
SquidBow: (Weakly) Hospital… hospital, please… my windpipe is filling with blood…
PatBeard: You know how you have said you always wanted to do cocaine before you die?
(SquidBow is on the floor, his face a dark purple, as blood exits his mouth)
PatBeard: Why not get some fancy drugs to smoke? Like, cocaine and all that stuff. After all, what's fancier than doing a little cocaine?
(SquidBow is no longer moving)
PatBeard: SquidBow? Do you need to go to the hospital or something?
(Cut to PatBeard walking down the street with SquidBow, who is perfectly fine)
PatBeard: Good thing they gave you some filthy Hobo's lung.
SquidBow: Yeah. I was certain I was going to die. So anyway, what were you saying to me?
PatBeard: I was saying, why don't we buy some cocaine? 
SquidBow: Cocaine, you say? I always wanted to do some cocaine! Count me in! But where do we get some?
PatBeard: I dunno. Let's buy some from another fellow fancy man.
SquidBow: Nah, they'll probably overcharge. Why not buy it off the street?
PatBeard: I don't know. Where in the Hell could we buy cocaine being sold right on the street?
(Sudden cut to the two of them in NKC)
SquidBow: Ugh, how long do we have to stay here? This place sucks. 
PatBeard: There's bound to be a cocaine seller around here somewhere. 
(A shifty looking character walks towards them)
Shifty Guy: Hey. I heard you are looking for some… coke?
SquidBow: We sure are.
Shifty Guy: I have some in my pocket here. I'll give ya some for $5.
PatBeard: What a steal. We'll take 2!
SquidBow: Why are you selling it on the streets and not in some dark alleyway or something?
Shifty Guy: Dude, this town sucks so much shit that you can sell drugs on the street and those pigs won't even intervene. Hell, a few months ago there was a huge riot in our very streets. This is the best town to go to if you want to commit a crime and get away with it.
SquidBow: We oughta come here more, PatBeard.
PatBeard: I agree. This place is nice. 
(Out of nowhere, a man runs up and stabs PatBeard in the side, running off while PatBeard screams in pain; sudden cut to the two of them in their mansion, with PatBeard with bandages on his side)
PatBeard: So, are you ready, SquidBow?
SquidBow: Sure, let's get this started!
(PatBeard lines the cocaine on the table as they just stare blankly at it)
PatBeard: Uh… do you have any idea how to take this stuff?
SquidBow: I dunno. I think you eat it?
PatBeard: No, no, I don't think that's right. I think you, like, put it up your nose?
SquidBow: (With cocaine around his lips) Oh, you don't eat it?
(PatBeard puts his face to the cocaine as he takes a huge sniff in, then stands up as he paces around the room screaming)
PatBeard: WOAH, WOAH! OH MY GOD. THAT IS SOME GOOD STUFF!
SquidBow: Give me some! Give me some, man!
(SquidBow snorts some cocaine up his nose as he too begins screaming)
SquidBow: HOLY FUCK, THIS BEATS MARIJUANA BY A LONG FUCKING SHOT! HOLY SHIT!
PatBeard: You said it. Wow, that’s good stuff!
SquidBow: I need more of it. NOW! 
PatBeard: Uh, don’t get carried away with it.
SquidBow: Don’t tell me what to do. You know what? I’m gonna INHALE IT THROUGH MY MOUTH this time!
PatBeard: Wha-
(SquidBow dives over onto the table and breathes in the entire lump of cocaine; he screams for a second)
SquidBow: OH, FUCK YEAH - THAT’S A RUSH IF I EVER FELT IT!
PatBeard: SquidBow, this wasn’t meant to be -
(SquidBow stops cheering as he grabs his chest in pain)
SquidBow: GAHHH!
PatBeard: What?! What’s wrong?!
SquidBow: MY NEW LUNGS - THEY’RE REJECTING THE COCAINE!
(SquidBow continues screaming in pain as he falls to the floor, desperately gasping for air as PatBeard just watches him suffer)
PatBeard: So, uh… Should I call the hospital?
(Cut to SquidBow in the hospital, with PatBeard watching over him)
SquidBow: Pain… Unbearable pain…
PatBeard: How you holding up, buddy?
SquidBow: Not good. They had to give me ANOTHER pair of lungs. This time it was from, like, Eel Musk, or someone like that.
PatBeard: When do they expect you to make a full recovery?
SquidBow: I dunno. They said it may take a week or so.
PatBeard: Well, SquidBow, I think we all learned a valuable lesson through all this; drugs are NEVER the answer!
(Short silence permeates the room)
SquidBow: Shut the fuck up, PatBeard.
(End)
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