Road Rager

Road Rager is the third episode of Ttyl.
==Plot==
*While having a good ol' drunken night out, SpongeBob and Patrick see an unlocked car parked on the side of the road. SpongeBob, despite not having any drivers' license (and being unfit for driving in general), decides to steal it and drive it to Sandy's house, on the other side of town, by any means necessary. Patrick agrees, and together they embark on an adventure of epic proportions. (By which I mean they crash into every building in town.) 
==Transcript==
*Episode opens to SpongeBob and Patrick walking down the street. It is dark outside, and they both are notably fidgety and having trouble maintaining balance.
*Patrick: Man, it's been a while since I've had some good hard liquor like that. My parents, man...
*SpongeBob: Oh yeah, that whole thing. How's that going? Did they forgive and forget?
*Patrick: Hell no. They've really been cracking down on me, making sure I don't miss a day of school, don't have any liquor, shit like that.
*SpongeBob: Sounds rough.
*Patrick: Yeah, I know. And my little cousins came over, and they wanted to play Gold Theft Travel V...
*SpongeBob: The game where you can have sex with a hooker and then kill her to get your money back?
*Patrick: Yeah, that one. Good game, but rated M for a reason. I told them they couldn't play, and my mom insisted that they could because it was just a game.
*SpongeBob: I can see this not ending well.
*Patrick: It didn't. They went into one of the strip clubs, and my mom got pissed at me for even owning such a game. She made me throw it away.
*SpongeBob: Holy crap.
*Patrick: I know, but I dug it out of the trash later. And I had to lie to even hang with you tonight, said we were studying or something. (pulls out a cigarette and lights it)
*SpongeBob: (pauses) Hey...wasn't I mad at you for something the other day?
*Patrick: (thinks for a second, taking a drag) Nah.
*SpongeBob and Patrick continue walking, until they see something that catches their eye: a shiny red car parked alone by the side of the road.
*SpongeBob: Whoa.
*SpongeBob and Patrick get closer to the car. Patrick grabs the handle on the front car door, and to his surprise, it opens.
*Patrick: Someone must be really stupid.
*SpongeBob: Or really trusting.
*Patrick: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
*SpongeBob: Let's do this.
*Patrick takes the cover off the steering wheel, connects some wires inside, and revs the engine. The car starts. SpongeBob enters the passenger seat.
*SpongeBob: Wait...where should we go?
*Patrick: I have an idea. How about Sandy's house?
*SpongeBob: Sandy's house? Why?
*Patrick: (chuckles) To pop your cherry.
*SpongeBob: What?! But I don't have a condom!
*Patrick opens his wallet to reveal a large supply of condoms.
*Patrick: You always gotta be safe. Let's do this!
*Patrick starts driving. Cue a montage of him nearly avoiding crashes with other drivers, flipping off pedestrians, taking his hands off the wheel for smoke breaks and other such bad driving etiquette as SpongeBob covers his eyes. "Bad Habit" by The Offspring plays in the background during this.
*Patrick: Well, here we are!
*Camera zooms out to show...the middle of nowhere.
*SpongeBob: This isn't Sandy's house.
*Patrick: I know, I was just trying to be optimistic. I don't have a clue how to get to Sandy's house.
*SpongeBob: What? Then why did you suggest going?
*Patrick: I don't know! It seemed like a good idea at the moment.
*SpongeBob: Wait, I have a map app on my phone, I think. (pulls phone out) Damn it!
*Patrick: What?
*SpongeBob: No bars.
*Patrick: Try holding it higher!
*SpongeBob: It doesn't work like that. (sigh) Well, now we're stranded in the middle of nowhere.
*Patrick: It could be worse.
*SpongeBob: Yeah? How could it be worse?
*Patrick: We could be in Rock Bottom.
*SpongeBob: Yeah, I guess that'd be pretty bad. (chuckles)
*With that, a sign in front of them gets the sand blown off of it by wind and reveals "WELCOME TO ROCK BOTTOM".
*Patrick: Uh...we could be bald and have a big nose?
*SpongeBob: This isn't good. We've gotta get out of here.
*Patrick tries to start the engine again, but it doesn't work. He then notices the fuel is on "E".
*Patrick: Um...would this be a bad time to tell you we're out of fuel?
*SpongeBob: Oh my god. Tell me you're joking.
*Patrick remains silent.
*SpongeBob: Why the hell didn't we get gas earlier?
*Patrick: I don't know. Neither of us were quite sober earlier. Hell, I'm still not really feeling sober.
*SpongeBob: Well, I guess we should try and catch a bus.
*Patrick: Yeah. I heard the people in this town speak some kind of foreign language, though. I'm not good with foreign people.
*SpongeBob: You're aware of how racist that sounds, right?
*Patrick: Yep. You go up to the guy over there.
*Patrick gesters towards a one-eyed green man with his tongue sticking out.
*SpongeBob: I'm scared.
*Patrick: Don't be such a cherry! (pushes SpongeBob towards man)
*SpongeBob: Um, hello there...I um...need to know when the next bus is coming.
*One-Eyed Man: (raspberry) What?
*SpongeBob: The next bus to Bikini Bottom.
*One-Eyed Man: I can't (raspberry) understand (raspberry) your accent. (raspberry)
*SpongeBob: (sigh) The next (raspberry) bus (raspberry) to Bikini (raspberry) Bottom. (raspberry)
*One-Eyed Man: Oh. (raspberry) Why didn't you just say so? (raspberry) Next bus leaves in (raspberry) five seconds.
*Before SpongeBob has time to react, the bus behind him takes off with Patrick chasing after it.
*One-Eyed Man: Oh, tough luck, kid. (raspberry) That's the last one till morning. (raspberry)
*SpongeBob: Oh, damn it all! (storms off)
*One-Eyed Man: What a strange (raspberry) kid.
*Cut to SpongeBob standing at the bus stop angry with Patrick coming towards him panting and out of breath.
*Patrick: I chased that bus for a half-mile and still nothing!
*SpongeBob: Obviously. Did you really think you could outrun a bus?
*Patrick: (sigh) Maybe I'm a bit too cocky at times. (pulls out lighter and cigarette) Well, now what are we gonna do? (lights cigarette and takes drag)
*SpongeBob: Well...I guess I'm not popping the cherry tonight.
*Patrick: Hey, don't say that! We could still get out of here before morning. (takes drag)
*SpongeBob: How are we supposed to do that? We don't have a car, a bus, or anything. We're screwed.
*Patrick: Not necessarily. We could-
*SpongeBob: We could what, Patrick? Do you really think someone with a tank of gas is going to come crashing into us?
*With that statement, someone with a tank of gas comes crashing into SpongeBob.
*Patrick: Man, you should think out loud more often. (chuckles)
*SpongeBob: Are you sure I can have this?
*The fish with the gas in his hand nods to SpongeBob, and SpongeBob runs off with the gas, but not before saying one last thing.
*SpongeBob: Thank (raspberry) you!
*Fish: (in normal voice) You're welcome.
*SpongeBob's eyes go wide, but he brushes it off. He gets his pump out of the back and starts pumping the gas in.
*Patrick: And there's still time for you to pop the cherry!
*SpongeBob: Wait, what? Patrick, I'm not sure...
*Patrick: SpongeBob, if you don't go now, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Then you're gonna die sad and alone.
*SpongeBob: You don't know that!
*Patrick: It's either that, or gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But you have to go to Sandy's tonight. For your own sake.
*SpongeBob: What if she doesn't want to...ya know?
*Patrick: Did you see the way she was hitting on you at the party? She clearly wanted it, but you were too busy looking in the other direction.
*SpongeBob has a flashback to the first episode, where Sandy says "Maybe they're closer then you think."
*SpongeBob: Oh god. I'm such an idiot.
*Patrick: Yeah, you are. But this is your chance to redeem yourself! What do ya say?
*SpongeBob finishes pumping up the car and smiles at Patrick.
*SpongeBob: I'm ready. But I'm driving this time.
*Patrick: You? Do you even have a license?
*SpongeBob: Learner's permit.
*Patrick snorts.
*Patrick: You can't even drive a sandwich with one of those things! Not that you would ever need to.
*SpongeBob and Patrick enter the car. SpongeBob enters the driver's seat and Patrick starts to panic.
*Patrick: Um, maybe I should just wait here for a bus...
*SpongeBob: Nonsense. I know what I'm doing. I got a permit, after all.
*Patrick: They'll hand those out to anyone who can say their ABC's!
*SpongeBob: Will you just trust me?
*Patrick sighs as SpongeBob starts the car. Cue a montage of clips of SpongeBob driving like a maniac, with Patrick covering his eyes, yelling at SpongeBob, and in general being horrified as "Shut Up and Drive" by Rihanna plays in the background. The car stops at a blue house.
*SpongeBob: Finally, we've made it.
*Patrick: Remind me never to let you drive again. Ever.
*SpongeBob: I don't think I did that bad, did I?
*Patrick: (stammering in disbelief) I...you don't think...you...(sigh) There's no hope for you, so I'm just going to say you didn't kill us, which is a plus.
*SpongeBob climbs up to a window of the house which appears to be Sandy's room as Patrick watches him from the ground. Inside Sandy is changing (we see her bra from the back). She turns around and jumps at SpongeBob's appearance. She then opens the window.
*Sandy: SpongeBob! You scared the hell out of me!
*SpongeBob: Sorry. Patrick brought me here.
*Sandy: Why on earth would he do something like that? It's two in the morning! The only reason I'm still awake is because the midnight movie on Bikini Bottom TV ran late!
*SpongeBob: He wanted me to...y'know...do things.
*Sandy: Things? You gotta be more specific then that.
*SpongeBob: (turns red) Well, um...he says that at the party, when I was trying to do things...that you wanted to do things...and that you'd be willing to do things if I asked.
*Sandy loses confused for a second, then comes to the realization as to what SpongeBob is talking about.
*Sandy: Ohh. Yes, it's true, I would've done things with you at the party. But I'm not sure if I'm...
*Patrick: (yelling up) Just pop his cherry!
*Sandy sighs.
*Sandy: Do you have...protection?
*SpongeBob: Yeah, Patrick gave me some.
*Sandy: (smiles) Then I'd be more then honored to be your first, Spongy.
*SpongeBob and Sandy begin kissing as SpongeBob closes the window. Patrick snickers from outside.
*Patrick: Finally!
*Patrick's phone dings, and he turns it on to reveal a text from Larry.
*Larry's text: Are they doing it yet?
*Patrick's reply: Yep.
*'Larry's text: Remember the plan, alright?
*'Patrick's reply: Could never forget it. Ttyl.
*With that, Patrick turns his phone off, and the episode cuts to black, then credits.
==Trivia==
*This episode is rated 12 by the BBFC for moderate sex references and brief rude gestures.
Category:Ttyl.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Ponyo Fan
Category:2014
Category:2010s