Transcripts/Rock Solid Friendship

:["Pomp and Circumstance March no. 1 in D" playing]
:Rusty Tenure: So in closing, earning a rocktorate in rock studies from the Equestrian Institute of Rockology is no easy feat. I'm proud of each and every one of you. Uh... each of... No, just you, actually.
:Pinkie Pie: Go, Maud! Woo-hoo! Number one! Number one!
:Rusty Tenure: Fillies and gentlecolts... and is that magnesium-rich basalt? It is my honor to present our vale-rock-torian, Maud Pie. Excuse me. Doctor Pie.
:Pinkie Pie: Whoo! Doctor Pie! Doctor Pie! ..."Rock-tor" Pie?
:Maud Pie: [clears throat]
:[microphone feedback]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I'm Maud.
:Pinkie Pie: Yeah, you are! Brilliant speech! Encore! Encore!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] There's more, Pinkie. I'm Maud. [flips index card] Pie. Thank you.
:[camera clicks]
:Pinkie Pie: You are so welcome! Brilliant speech! Encore! Encore! Encore!
:[clank]
:
:Pinkie Pie: [long high-pitched squeal, rapidly] You're moving to Ponyville! We'll live together and get bunk beds and I'll make us fuzzy slippers that say "Best Sister Friends Forever", although I probably can't fit all those words on a slipper, so maybe just "BSFF", but we don't have to decide right now because we'll be together all the time since when it comes to Ponyville, the doctor is in!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Slow down, Pinkie Pie.
:Pinkie Pie: Yooooouuuuu'rrrrrrrreeeeeeee mmmmmmmmmmooooooooovvvvvvvviiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnggggggg tttttttooooooo Pooooooooooonnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyvvvvvvviiiiiiilllllllleeeeeeeee....
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I'm not definitely moving to Ponyville.
:Pinkie Pie: Of course you are, silly. You said... [imitating Maud] "There's nothing left to study back home on the rock farm, so I might move to Ponyville." [inflates, pop]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I'm also considering Ghastly Gorge.
:Pinkie Pie: [laughs] Classic Maud sense of humor! You should do stand-up!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I do. But that wasn't a joke.
:Pinkie Pie: [gasps] Ghastly Gorge? That terrible, awful, no-fun, all-alone canyon in the middle of nowhere?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] There or Ponyville.
:Pinkie Pie: But Ponyville is so "eee-hee-hee-hee-hee!" and Ghastly Gorge is so "Blegh!"
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] It's a rock-based decision.
:Pinkie Pie: But what about BSFFs?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] That's why I'm giving Ponyville a chance.
:Pinkie Pie: Phew! So all I have to do is prove Ponyville has better rocks than Ghastly Gorge? Challenge accepted. We'll drop your stuff off at my place, and then hold onto your world, 'cause it's about... to... get... rocked!
:[beat]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Okay.
:Pinkie Pie: Ghastly Gorge may have rocks, but our gem cave rocks!
:[harp glissando]
:Pinkie Pie: Huh? Huh? Oh, and look! You'll never know who you'll see!
:Rarity: [gasps] Maud, darling! It's lovely to see you again! Oh! Congratulations on your rocktorate. What are you doing now?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Talking to you.
:Rarity: Oh, y— Right. [laughs, clears throat] Well, if your trained eye happens to see a chartreuse gem, I'm desperate to find one.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I found one.
:Rarity: Oh, you're an absolute darling! This will surely make my gown stand out at Countess Coloratura's album release party. Do you know how rare this is?
:Pinkie Pie: Just another day in Ponyville!
:[ding]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] That's actually a really common gem.
:Pinkie Pie and Rarity: Huh?
:[rocks crumbling, gems falling out]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] These are all really common gems.
:Pinkie Pie: They are? Uh, I mean, heh, come on! Of course they are! That's why I didn't bring you here to impress you! I wanted to make sure you had a chance to, heh, say "hello" to your old pal... Spike!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Hello, Spike.
:Pinkie Pie: Way to go, Maud! Cross that off the to-do list! Y'know what I'm sayin'? Check! Now, let's get moving, 'cause I'm about to show you something that'll make you yell "All right!"
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] All right.
:Pinkie Pie: See? Ha-ha!
:Pinkie Pie: Ta-da! It's a castle... made of rocks! Whaaaat?! Did I just blow your mind? I think I just blew your mind.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] A lot of structures are made from rocks, Pinkie. They're a very stable building material.
:Pinkie Pie: But this place grew out of nowhere after a magical key-build gem followed a rainbow and buried itself in the ground! I mean, have you ever seen rocks like this?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yes.
:Pinkie Pie: No, you haven't!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] We literally just saw hundreds of them in the gem cave.
:Pinkie Pie: But... but... Oh, look at those rocks!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Those are sting-bush seed pods.
:Pinkie Pie: So they are! But, uh... look at that rock! It's even got four smaller rocks around it like legs!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] That's a tortoise.
:Pinkie Pie: Whose side are you on, Tank?! [panicked panting] Oh, wait a minute! What's that?! It's a rock shaped like Lyra Heartstrings! Total rock! [growling]
:[deflating]
:Pinkie Pie: [sighs] I guess you won't be moving to Ponyville after all. Those rocks at Ghastly Gorge don't know how lucky they are to have you.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Actually, rocks aren't the only reason I'm considering Ponyville.
:Pinkie Pie: You said it's a rock-based decision.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I'm obviously passionate about exotic rocks, but I've always studied them... alone. I could handle some less exciting rocks if it meant I'd have somepony to talk to besides Boulder.
:Pinkie Pie: [gasps] Are you saying you want... a friend?!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I wouldn't mind one.
:Pinkie Pie: [gasps] Maudileena Daisy Pie, this'll be easy! What're you looking for in a friend? Gimme six qualities assigning each one a numerical importance rating between one and seven, seven being essential and one being "eh". [burps]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] It isn't hard to meet somepony I like. It's finding somepony who gets me.
:Pinkie Pie: I get you.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] You're my sister. It's different.
:Pinkie Pie: Maud, you are the best! You never know when the lightning of friendship will strike. Somepony could come barreling through that door at this very moment and become your best friend!
:[suspenseful music]
:Pinkie Pie: Y'know, I really thought somepony was gonna come barreling through that—
:[door opens]
:[bump!]
:Starlight Glimmer: [grunts]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Uh.
:Starlight Glimmer: Oh, my fault! Totally my fault! Are you okay? I should've been watching where I was going, and— You look really familiar. Have we met before?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yes.
:Starlight Glimmer: I knew it!
:Pinkie Pie: Whaaaaat?!
:Starlight Glimmer: No, no, don't tell me. Um...
:Pinkie Pie: [squeals]
:Starlight Glimmer: Yeah. See, I was really hoping you'd tell me while I pretended to remember.
:Pinkie Pie: How is this possible? [screams]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I traveled Equestria for my rocktorate dissertation.
:[rock breaking]
:Starlight Glimmer: Psst! Do you know a lot about rocks?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yes.
:Starlight Glimmer: Have you ever come across some kind of super-powerful stone that can store the cutie mark magic of... I don't know... an entire village?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yep. In the big cave.
:Pinkie Pie: [laughs] Hey, I got an idea. Let's not tell anypony that part where you maybe, for sure, accidentally helped Starlight enslave a town! [laughs, seriously] Tell nopony!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] It's not like she's enslaved anypony lately.
:Starlight Glimmer: [chuckling weakly, sighs] Well, great seeing you again. I gotta run a few errands. [sighs]
:Pinkie Pie: [through the side of her mouth] Offer to help.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] What?
:Pinkie Pie: Offer to help!
:Starlight Glimmer: You wanna help?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Do I?
:Pinkie Pie: Of course you do! Go!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Okay.
:Pinkie Pie: [squeals] They're totally gonna be best friends and then Maud will choose Ponyville, and we'll get to wear BSFF slippers!
:[thud]
:[Starlight's theme playing]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Rocks take on different properties when interacting with magic. With the right stone, you could rule all of Equestria if you wanted to.
:Starlight Glimmer: You're messing with me.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Am I?
:[grim music]
:Starlight Glimmer: [laughs, sighs] So other than rocks, what else are you into?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Minerals. Plate tectonics. Oh, and stand-up comedy, of course.
:Starlight Glimmer: I like... kites.
:[beat]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Kites are cool.
:Starlight Glimmer: [sighs]
:Starlight Glimmer: The trick with an S.L.K. is not to make the spars too heavy. But if they're too light, you've got no ballast and then good luck tacking against the A.O.I.! [beat] I really like kites.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] They're starting to grow on me.
:Pinkie Pie: Pizza delivery! Oh! Maud and Starlight? You're here too? Whoa-ho-ho! What a coincidence! 'Cause I was just, y'know, delivering this pizza to, um... you!
:[thwack]
:Pinkie Pie: So how's it going?
:Starlight Glimmer: Uh, just hanging out—
:Pinkie Pie: Hey! You could use this time to bond and talk about feelings! For example, do you feel like you're becoming friends?
:Starlight Glimmer: Um... I feel... like I don't want to talk about feelings?
:Pinkie Pie: Great! I'll go next. I feel like I love that you two are becoming best friends! I mean, your friendship could be the friendship that makes Maud move to Ponyville! No pressure, Starlight. Um, hello? Where'd you two go?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Sorry about my sister. There's no half-excited with her.
:Starlight Glimmer: Oh, I know. But she always calms down. Eventually.
:Starlight Glimmer: Why do you find rocks so fascinating?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Each one has a different story to tell. Like Boulder here. This tells me he's over two thousand years old. [to Boulder] You don't look a day over six hundred.
:Starlight Glimmer: Wow. You can tell that from a line?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I didn't get a rocktorate because I can shred on guitar like nopony else.
:Starlight Glimmer: [laughs]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Another reason I like rocks – they don't exclude you if you're... different than other ponies.
:Starlight Glimmer: They're beautiful and strong, but they don't judge you or make you feel less than in any way. I think I'm starting to like rocks, too.
:[tapping]
:Starlight Glimmer: It's hollow?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] It's granite. Hollow granite is highly unusual.
:[crashing and crumbling]
:[whimsical music]
:Starlight Glimmer: Wow! Have you ever seen anything like this?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] No. And that's unusual. For me.
:Pinkie Pie: There you are! I thought you went your separate ways but you can't imagine how happy I am to find you both together and to witness one of your firsts as friends!
:[camera flashes]
:Pinkie Pie: First time discovering an underground cavern! [squeals] I can't wait 'til you're old and eating pistachios together and telling your grand-foals about this! Oh, no! They're not bonding!
:[ding]
:Pinkie Pie: I got an idea!
:[ripping]
:Pinkie Pie: [exaggerated] Whooaa! I'm tripping on a rock at this very moment! And now I'm falling down!
:[click, boom]
:Pinkie Pie: [exaggerated] Oh, no! My accidental clumsiness has trapped us here! Where you'll be forced to bond until we're rescued.
:Starlight Glimmer: Oh, we won't have to wait for that. There's gotta be a spell that—
:Maud Pie: [deadpan, to Boulder] Get us out of here, boy.
:[crashing and crumbling]
:Starlight Glimmer: Boulder, that was awesome!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] No. That was sandstone.
:Starlight Glimmer: More sand than stone, apparently.
:Pinkie Pie: I'm thinking you wear these around your neck at all times so I don't lose you again, you sillies! That way, I can track your progress as friends!
:[cowbells donging]
:Pinkie Pie: Ooh! And tomorrow, we can have a friendship brunch! What's your favorite kind of omelette cupcake?! [hushed] Mine's jalapeño red velvet!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan groan]
:Starlight Glimmer: Yeah, um, I-I don't know if I can make it.
:Pinkie Pie: You'll change your minds when you smell the yummy food! Come on!
:[cowbells donging]
:[snap]
:Starlight Glimmer: Oops.
:Pinkie Pie: Tomorrow's brunch is going to be the scrumptiest, brunchiest, munchiest brunch ever!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yeah. About that...
:Pinkie Pie: The problem is, while you two were alone, I couldn't get data points on your friendship probabilities! Were you making Starlight smile? How was Starlight's smile-to-frown ratio? Anything over five-to-one is great! Oh, and how many times did you smile like this? [squees]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Zero times.
:Pinkie Pie: Oh, Maud, don't be so hard on yourself! You've got the best friendship-maker in Ponyville on the case! I'll be by your side the whole time! Speaking of which, your bell fell off, silly!
:[cowbell donging]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Pinkie Pie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but—
:Pinkie Pie: Buuuuuut?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] [sighs] Never mind.
:Pinkie Pie: Don't worry, Maud. When you see this brunch, you'll realize everything's gonna be okay! And then, I have amazing bonding activities planned for the next seventeen days! You and Starlight will be besties in no time! Goodnight! [kisses] [clap, clap] [snoring] ...Cupcake omelette...
:[birds tweeting]
:Pinkie Pie: Friendship brunch!
:[paper rustling]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] [voiceover] Pinkie Pie. Thank you for trying so hard to help me make friends. But my decision has to be rock based. And Ghastly Gorge has such great rocks, I won't even have time for friends. It's better this way. Sorry it didn't work out. Maud.
:Pinkie Pie: Maud! Wait!
:[train chuffing]
:Pinkie Pie: Maud! [tearing up] Maud...
:Starlight Glimmer: [snoring softly]
:Pinkie Pie: Starlight, wake up!
:Starlight Glimmer: [yelps] Kites!
:[thud]
:Starlight Glimmer: Huh? Oh. If this is about brunch, I-I, uh... You know what? Jalapeño red velvet omelettes sound gross. I-I just can't.
:Pinkie Pie: Maud left in the middle of the night!
:Starlight Glimmer: Oh. I guess Ghastly Gorge really does have the best rocks.
:Pinkie Pie: [sniffs] Why couldn't you two just be friends?
:Starlight Glimmer: Pinkie Pie, I like Maud.
:Pinkie Pie: You do?
:Starlight Glimmer: Yeah. She's weird!
:Pinkie Pie: Hey!
:Starlight Glimmer: No, in a good way! She sees the world in a totally different way than anypony I've ever met. She accepts me for who I am. She taught me that a rock is never just a rock, and she could make anything funny. We never had to say it, but we got each other.
:Pinkie Pie: You really were becoming friends?
:Starlight Glimmer: I think so, but you kinda sorta... got in the way.
:Pinkie Pie: [deep gasp]
:Starlight Glimmer: [gasps] You're right, too harsh. Let's go with... You ruined everything all the time?
:Pinkie Pie: [whimper]
:Starlight Glimmer: Mmmmh, that's worse. What I'm trying to say is—
:Pinkie Pie: [tearing up] I have to go!
:Starlight Glimmer: Ta-da... Friendship lesson... learned? [sighs]
:[wind blowing]
:[picking]
:[crumbling]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Sigh.
:[clinking]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Emerald jasper? This must be my lucky day.
:[quarray eel growling]
:[train chuffing]
:[train whistle]
:[train chuffing]
:[crows calling]
:Pinkie Pie: [sniffs] [licks] [chews] Maud tracks!
:Pinkie Pie: [sniffing]
:[quarray eel growling]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Hello, Pinkie Pie. I found emerald jasper.
:[snap]
:Pinkie Pie: [shrieks]
:[jacking noise]
:Pinkie Pie: Are you okay, Maud?! That eel almost ate you!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] What eel?
:[snap]
:Pinkie Pie: [yelps]
:[quarray eel roaring]
:Pinkie Pie: [panting]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] You didn't need to come. I'm having a great time on my own.
:[snap]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I even made a new friend.
:Pinkie Pie: Is it a rock?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Yes.
:[snap]
:Pinkie Pie: [shrieks] Maud!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I don't belong in Ponyville. It only proved I'm better off all by myself. Like I always have been.
:Pinkie Pie: Don't say that! It was all my fault! I— [shrieks] I thought I knew everything about making friends, but I didn't even know my own sister! I forced you to do things my way, but my way isn't your way!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] This way.
:Pinkie Pie: Exactly!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] No. This way.
:Pinkie Pie: Maud, I thought you couldn't make a friend without my help, but it turns out you couldn't make a friend with my help. I underestimated you, and I'm sorry.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] I know you did it out of love. You're my best sister friend forever.
:Pinkie Pie: [bawling] Oh, Maud! I love you bigger than all Equestria! [sobbing]
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] And you melt my heart more easily than sodium-rich plagioclase feldspar.
:Pinkie Pie: [sniffs] I don't know what that means, but please please please please please give Ponyville another chance! But more importantly, give me another chance... to leave you alone.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] What do you think, Boulder?
:Starlight Glimmer: You're back!
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Mm-hmm.
:Starlight Glimmer: For good?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Mm-hmm. This doesn't mean we need to start talking about feelings, does it?
:Starlight Glimmer: Heh. No way.
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Maybe after this we could decorate my new place.
:Starlight Glimmer: Totally! Where is it?
:Maud Pie: [deadpan] Well, it's not in Ponyville. More like Ponyville-adjacent.
:Starlight Glimmer: It's perfect.
:Pinkie Pie: Yes! My sister's totally staying in Ponyville! I mean Ponyville-adjacent! [laughs]
:[beat]
:Pinkie Pie: Sorry, sorry, I'm leaving! I promise. I'm not even here. Aah, you're wearing the slippers! Okay, now I'm really leaving. Buh-bye!
:[beat]
:Pinkie Pie: Heh-heh... Wrong way. [zip]
:[credits]