Kirk Jerkems

Kirk Jerkems is a character role-played by Thio.
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== General Description ==
Kirk Jerkems a.k.a. Janky the Clown is part of the New Clown Order. He also masquerades as "Humphrey Pumpernickel", leader of the "Bread Gang".
== Background ==
Kirk Jerkems started out in Los Santos as an RV-driving, mullet-loving methhead from Kona, Alabama. He cooked and helped distribute copious amounts of 51-rhinoceros methamphetamine for a shadow crime organization called The Stable where he eventually earned keys to the Barn and a promotion to Senior Stable Hand. He headed the Stable operation for one of the earliest armored car meth runs in the city and gave Lt. Jeffrey Bundy the biggest break in Det. Sexton Hardcastle's Stable investigation when Kirk accidentally interrupted his own raid. 
After the Stable dissolved in December 2021, he shared a "Bandito Bunker" with fellow Bandito Boy Abner Vaca and then later became "Janky" in his close-friend Chatterbox's group, the Clowncil. Kirk helped the clowns with heists, drug trafficking, and wars—and once had a bounty on his head for wearing the surgically-stolen face of Mayor Mickey S. 
Kirk finally retired from the meth game after his second drug trafficking conviction and the seizure of both of his meth tables. He left Los Santos with the clowns on December 11, 2023 to fight in The Great Mime War of 2023 and returned to Los Santos five years later having fallen out with the clowns (and sworn off the clown life). 
Kirk Jerkems, finally happy and content with his new family, the Clowncil of Los Santos, had been enjoying his new life full of yuckery and chaos but was quickly brought to a terrifying reality. As of late, it seemed that everything has begun to fall apart; the funhouse has been destroyed, Bozo has begun to go crazy after being missing for months, and the overwhelming threat of an impending war. Upon waking up, Kirk checked his phone and had one of the worst surprises in his life: he had been drafted in the Great Mime War of 2023. One of Kirk’s greatest fears had finally come to fruition, and now he was to participate in a life-or-death fight with his family against the dreaded mimes. Time and time again the mimes had made fools of many members of the Clowncil, and deep down Kirk knew they were not ready. 
Hoping to have the time and ability to mold the clowns into a deadly force of face paint and mischief, Kirk prepared to leave his home of Grapeseed and Los Santos. While traveling the city and saying farewell to their closest friends, the clowns were internally preparing to face their biggest threat of all. The clowns boarded a jet and made their way to Fort Baxter in Vice City. Upon nearing the base, they were promptly shot down by perceived enemy anti-air fire, but it turned out to be Stumbles practicing as he had been there a day early. Making his way on the beach soaked and angry, Kirk was greeted by Stumbles, who promptly got him settled in and ready to train.
Under General Doodle, Kirk’s backwoods survival knowledge and firearms proficiency was quickly honed to a extremely dangerous level. Miniphone had also been a perfect example of a clown soldier as he, in his own words, was “from the skreets”. General Doodle quickly realized their capabilities ,and the two of them were promptly thrown into a two-man special clown unit designated “Country Skreets”. Separate from the rest of the clown soldiers, Kirk and Mini wreaked havoc on the mime population sowing fear into their hearts at the mere thought of a visit from Country Skreets. 
As the war waged on, the clowns began to fall behind in the war effort and slowly succumb to the overwhelming might of the mimes. As Kirk and Mini embarked on another mission expecting the usual mime massacre, they quickly found themselves in an ambush where they had to fight desperately for their lives. After an onslaught that lasted for what felt like an eternity, Mini and Kirk were victorious—but only just barely. Struggling to even stand, the two of them hugged and saluted each other goodbye ,but swore they would meet again one day. This war had made the both of them cold and callous, and no longer did they want to continue this path as a deadly duo. Head hung low, body hurting from exhaustion and clown combat, Kirk Jerkems made his way back to headquarters.
Upon his return to Clowncil Headquarters, Kirk was brought into a meeting with General Doodle. The General explained that Stumbles had surprisingly become a squeaky war machine. This quickly surprised Kirk, and his attention was immediately grabbed. Scruffy Doodle explained that Stumbles’ unit was in need of a new commander, and Kirk was quickly appointed. Kirk’s new unit was experiencing severe casualties battle after battle, which seriously impacted his morale and nearly drove him insane. Stumble's prowess during wartime was one of the only things keeping Kirk tethered to the moment, but that was soon to change. One cold dark morning, as Kirk prepared the troops for the days briefing, he noticed Stumbles was nowhere to be found. Several months passed with no word about Stumbles or his location until one fateful day.
General Doodle gathered the members of the Los Santos Clowncil and revealed that Stumbles had been captured by a dangerous group of clowns known as the Silent but Deadlies. A plan was hatched, and the clowns prepared to rescue their captured comrade. The clowns fought hard and fast in many battles in order to make their way to the hideout where Stumbles was being housed. Kirk and Chatterbox made short work of the many mimes using a technique they devised known as the “hit and dip”. Kirk and Chatter would often lead blitzkrieg style assaults hitting the mimes hard and fast before orchestrating a tactical retreat. Bon Bon impressed Kirk by preferring to get up and personal with the mimes, using knives as his weapon of choice. Though Kirk dishes out a lot of shit to Bon Bon, he realized how much he loved him and how impressive his potential really is.  
Along the way they suffered many casualties ranging from unknown clown recruits all the way to the loss of Pico’s legs. After many bloody battles and too many casualties, the platoon of Clowncil members arrived at the HQ of the Silent But Deadlies. The clowns quickly stormed the building and made their way to the prisoner chambers where they discovered Stumbles: completely fine and just hanging out in an empty room. Confused and concerned, Kirk ran up to Stumbles and gave him a hug with tears in his eyes. After asking what happened, the clowns were quickly informed that the mimes had imprisoned Stumbles in a pretend box. This scared Stumbles into thinking he was actually trapped when in actuality he was able to leave at any time. Upon learning this, an enraged Kirk flew into an uncontrollable frenzy. He had finally snapped; this pretend box was the straw that broke the camel’s back. To Kirk, Stumbles had begun a transformation from a bumbling loveable idiot to a honed and capable clown of war. He had finally reached his full potential in Kirk’s eyes, but those hopes and dreams were quickly shattered. Kirk screamed at all of the clowns present (Stumbles, Chatterbox, Bozo, Scruffy, and Bon Bon) that they were all dead to him, and he would fight the war all on his own.
Fast forward an unknown length of time because its war, and Kirk is not known for his intelligence (he is dumb).
Kirk had been alone for what felt like forever, maybe weeks, maybe months. The dangers of war had stripped away the meaning of time. The only thing that mattered anymore to Kirk is survival and the massacre of the mimes. Kirk Jerkems had become a lone wolf moving from place to place making any attempt possible to win this war for the Clowns. This had begun to take a serious toll on Kirk mentally and physically, and the effects of war began to show. Kirk began to become extremely paranoid, almost akin to a Clown Rambo, but way less cool and way less effective. 
Kirk Jerkems embarked on a mission to attack a nearby mime stronghold, m60 machine gun in hand ,when he quickly had a stark realization. He had not seen a fellow clown on the battlefield in recent memory, and he began to worry the war was coming to a close. Shaking off the discouraging feelings, Kirk proceeded to eliminate the mimes in the stronghold and retrieve documents found within. Upon reading the documents Kirk learned of the unfortunate status of the war. The clowns had surrendered, and the mimes had begun to spread news of their victory across the land. An extremely emotional Kirk realized that all blood and bullets he left on the field had all been for nothing. Kirk swore off the clown life and hoped to never return to the bullshit that he felt he had wasted his life on. Not knowing what to do or where to go, Kirk made his way aimlessly in the woods to find his new purpose in life.
Waking with a yawn, Kirk’s eyes slowly open and focus on his new world in his underground panic bunker in Southern Montana surrounded with guns and food. It has been years since the clown war, and in the time passed Kirk has become a hermit spending his days tinkering with guns in a makeshift underground hidey hole. Kirk had become a very proficient survivalist and was extremely adept in the ways of gunsmithing and weapons engineering. His new skill brought ease to Kirk; dialing weapons to be a precision instruments was not too dissimilar from crafting the pure meth that was once his life mission. Looking around, Kirk Jerkems realized he is lonely, and the time spent alone had made him yearn for the old days of living in a big city like Los Santos. Kirk quickly shrugged off the idea and remembered he was flat broke, and all of his money went to building the bunker and stocking it with supplies and weaponry. There was no way he could afford life in Los Santos again, and he went on with his day. 
Upon waking the next morning, as Kirk was drinking his morning coffee, he had his eureka moment! Los Santos is a city full of gangbangers always at odds with one another, and they all share a common necessity: weapons. Now a proficient gunsmith, Kirk realized this could be his new path in Los Santos. Full of newfound excitement, Kirk packed all of his things and scheduled a flight and a cab to the airport straight away. Unable to pack any tools or equipment, Kirk realized he will have to find a way to start new once he touches down, but he remained completely unphased and prepared for the future. 
As the cab rolls up and Kirk begins to load his bags into the trunk, he apologizes to the driver and runs inside his bunker to grab something he forgot. After retrieving one last thing, Kirk jumped into the backseat and placed something next to him in a little brown bag covered in dust. A few minutes into the ride, Kirk began to peer inside the brown bag, knocking the dust off, which sparked the driver's curiosity. 
“What's your name, and what's up with that old nasty bag?” 
Kirk peered inside the bag with mixed emotions of anger, love, sadness, and regret, and simply replied, “these are just old memories I couldn't let go of…” 
After a moment, he smiled and added, “I'm Kirk Jerkems. First you Kirkem, then you Jerkem, baby!" 
After arriving to the airport, Kirk quickly boarded the plane and sat down, the brown paper bag still in his lap. Once the airplane lifted for take off, Kirk began to doze off. Before slumping his head one final time before touching down in Los Santos, he took one final look at the bag and stared back at his clown mask that had nearly slipped out… 
== History ==
Return to the Clowns
Kirk spent his first couple of months back in Los Santos trying to stay on the "straight and narrow path to success." He tried out many a gig but had yet to find the perfect job for him. First, he became a successful mechanic, but was not a fan of having to go search for materials. Then, he tried getting into moonshine, but was scammed while paying for his first distillery sets and got angry at the lack of decaying food to be found. Somewhere between those gigs, Kirk made a few poor financial decisions. He borrowed money from Damien Tinkerman and purchased a FUTO—then he tried to gamble to make the money back and failed. In the end, Twinkles said he'd give Kirk the money (and then some) if Kirk donned his Janky mask again and signed the New Clown Order Clownstitution. Kirk became a Clown again on January 24, 2024.
Kirk then set out to take down the New Clown Order, but was thrown a curveball when he was voted in as one of the two Clown Elders on February 20, 2024. His Eldership ended on April 4, 2024.
Kirk vs. the Raiders MC
While stranded outside of a mine shaft on February 2, 2024, Kirk attempted to phone in a favor from Raiders MC Patched Member Maxx McAllister for the time he saved her from bleeding to death in his Guber car, but she declined because she and the Raiders were still recovering from venomous snake bites. Raiders MC President Darcy Lane sent her ex-husband Beverly Brekker to pick Kirk up, but warned Kirk over the phone that if anything happened to him, she would feed Kirk's head to the dolphins. Chatterbox tricked Bev that he was the one who needed the ride, stranded Kirk and Bozo at the mine shaft, and mocked Kirk's phone threat to not hurt Bev. However, Bev returned to Kirk unharmed after Chatterbox told him the truth.
Disguised as vaudevillian and "Bread Gang" leader "Humphrey Pumpernickel," Kirk kept prank calling the Raiders MC daily, unaware that the harmless fun would go horribly awry. On February 7, 2024, he ran away from their Enforcer Rue Day, prospect Wally West, and prospect Tom Aoki into the Vespucci canals. Although Rue caught up with Kirk's friend Pico Pingafria (disguised as "Tony Tortilla"), Kirk sliced Wally with a knife in the water over his claim that Rue had stabbed Pico. To Kirk's horror, he found out in a phone conversation with Pico that he was actually fine, that he had only talked with Rue, that Wally had lied, and that Kirk had started a war against an entire MC over a simple misunderstanding. 
In retaliation, Rue stabbed Pico for real and left with his phone (with contacts) and hunting rifle. Raiders MC high command Wade Wilson and Lane also went looking for Kirk in Vespucci Beach, but left because they were in the middle of a Grime job. As a fake alibi, Osvaldo Pingafria lied to Lane that he and Kirk had been hunting. Kirk offered to pay Lane to rough up his friends Osvaldo and Jamal (for $750 each) at Snr. Buns—but Rue, Wally, and Tom didn't find anyone there. While running from the Raiders MC near Mirror Park, Kirk tried to mount a slowing semi-truck but got dragged underneath the wheels instead. Laughing, Wade took him with Rue to a remote location. They let Kirk off with a warning without bothering to unmask him, and Wade took his IFAK and phone before they dropped him off at the hospital. Wade returned Kirk's phone afterward.
Both the Raiders MC and Kirk moved on from the incident, with Rue hiring him to kidnap Harper Bazaar for stabbing her and four ADMC members. On February 9, 2024, Kirk phoned Lane to properly introduce themselves and to give her a Moonshine Bottle as a gift. To Kirk's confusion, she invited him to Chumash Pier to guard her in a meeting with the Mayor's wife Siobhan Thoroughbred and her lawyer friend, Atty. Sebastian Birch. However after Lane got really drunk on Kirk's moonshine, Mayor Maximilian "Yung Dab" Thoroughbred showed up unannounced to confront her with Siobhan and Sebastian. Yung Dab and Siobhan became uneasy about Lane's odd behavior and Kirk's obvious attempt to hide behind a fence, saying they had already been kidnapped from Davis City Hall by Sonya Summers, her "goons", and Jessi Adler. As a prank, Kirk texted "its a trap" to Yung Dab and glared at them (as Siobhan called moonshine "toilet booze") from behind the fence holding a wrench. Afterward, Lane left with them and Kirk discovered that Raiders MC Patched Member Mason Calaway had been watching them all though a hunting rifle.
On February 15, 2024, Lane declined Kirk's phone offer of $2500 to hurt Bobby Beldrum because Bobby is her "best friend's grandpa". When Kirk mocked her and called the Raiders MC a "book club", Wade Wilson, Maxx McAllister, Thomas Aoki, and Wally West rolled up on him outside of Snr. Buns. Per Lane's orders, Wade stabbed Kirk and left. Afterward in a phone call with Kirk, she told him that she knew he was in the "Bread Gang", that he had stabbed her prospect Wally, and that he and Osvaldo had lied about hunting. She explained that the disrespect in his last phone call had finally crossed the line.
Going forward, Kirk maintained a love-hate relationship with the Raiders MC where he continued to reach out to them (mostly Rue Day) but also occasionally provoked their ire.
Ray Mond vs. BonBon
Ray Mond (a.k.a. clown Hiccups whom Chatterbox wanted the New Clown Order to protect) asked Kirk, Ursula Leichenberg, and Twinkles to guard her at the "My Career Academia" prom on March 29, 2024 from ex-clown BonBon. Kirk was disgusted by Ray's news that BonBon had officially joined the new Bondi Boys MC. Ray's prom date Irwin Dundee (Prime Minister of the new BBMC) grew suspicious of her texting with Kirk, and confronted him that he knew about the clown drama with BonBon. Dundee then set up Ray by swapping places with BonBon, who was disguised as Dundee. BonBon stabbed Ray. Near Ray's hospital bed, Kirk argued with Benji Ramos for falsely suspecting him of associating with BonBon. Benji was shocked by Kirk's revelation that Ray was the clown Hiccups. Kirk borrowed about $15,000 to buy a gun from Taco Prince, which turned out to be a loaded PD GC17x. Kirk, Twinkles, and Ursula Leichenberg accompanied Ray to a Company meeting (attended by chairmen Raymond Romanov and Mickey Sinclaire) in the underground Legion–Memorial pedestrian tunnel, where Benji tried to mediate peace between Ray, BonBon, and Dundee. Ray gunned down Dundee and BonBon instead. Upon leaving, Kirk remarked, "Seems repaired to me." Afterward, Kirk sped off from the crime scene to draw police Captain Leonardo Slacks away from Ray.
To spite the clowns for having too many meetings and for Chatterbox's overprotectiveness of Hiccups, Kirk teamed up with Taco Prince and Chang Gang against them. On April 4, 2024, Chatterbox ended the Elder elections and took over the New Clown Order as its "clown-tator". When BonBon crashed the meeting to taunt them, Chatterbox used him as a cautionary tale. The next day, Chatterbox announced to the clowns that they call him "King" going forward, made Hiccups the "Funhouse Queen", made Kirk the "Clownforcer", and allowed Party Hardy to be a second king. 
On April 9, 2024, BonBon betrayed his ex-wife Sooty Gamwich (whom Kirk had lost trust in for still speaking to BonBon), and coerced her at knifepoint to set up Twinkles at the funhouse. BonBon kidnapped Twinkles, and pinged Hiccups and Chatterbox (the "Queen" and "King") to Stab City. BonBon hosted a game where either Chatterbox or Hiccups could take a zip-tied Twinkles' place. When Chatterbox volunteered, BonBon zip-tied him and then stabbed both Twinkles and Chatterbox. In the resulting knife fight between BonBon and Hiccups, they both took each other out. Sooty arrived to find them all bleeding out, and urgently phoned Kirk to Stab City. Kirk instructed Sooty to safeguard Hiccups' gun and anything else illegal. Given that the paramedic only had room in her ambulance to transport three of them, Kirk volunteered to drive BonBon to the hospital--but instead dropped him off in the dirt, stole his notebook, called Dundee from BonBon's mobile phone with a bad BonBon impersonation, and pinged Dundee to BonBon's location. As Dundee and Tommy Puff confronted Kirk near BonBon's hospital bed, Hiccups told Dundee what happened. But once Kirk's taunt to Tommy provoked Dundee into hitting Kirk with a wrench, the violence escalated within the hospital until the police gunned down and arrested the Bondi Boys MC. Afterward, the New Clown Order discussed war on just BonBon and then took a group photo by The Lighthouse.
On April 14, 2024 in Vespucci, Chatterbox and Hiccups (with BoomBoom) dumped a few royal blue cars (a signature color of BBMC cars) in the water. Due to the timing of Ember Quinn prank calling BonBon to laugh at him, the BBMC suspected that she knew who did it. After the BBMC staked out eight of the clowns while they were playing a friendly football game, Party Hardy's girlfriend was stabbed. At the Funhouse, BonBon and five other melee-armed BBMC members confronted Ember, Kirk, Scruffy Doodle, Bozo, Pockets, and Happy D'Klown wanting answers from Ember and the other clowns about who ocean dumped the Vespucci cars. Kirk lied that he would look into it, knowing full well that his clown King Chatterbox and clown Queen Hiccups did it. Ultimately, the BBMC didn't go to war with the clowns over it.
==🚙 Vehicles ==
Image	Vehicle Name	Description	License Plate
 	Karin Futo 	Black and White, purchased January 17th, 2024
SOLD TO Angus Oblong II on April 7, 2024
(Traded for an Obey Tailgater 4-door Sedan)	85NW61BA
== Trivia ==
* Kirk comes from a long line of Moonshiners. Some of his family was disappointed when he took more of a liking to meth cooking than Moonshining (spoken about by Grandpa Cricket Jerkems back in 3.0).
==✊ Quotes ==
* "First ya Kirk 'em, then ya Jerk 'em"
* "Hold it down!"
* "Shiftin' Gears and Drinkin' Beers"
* "Drinkin' Beers and Shootin' Deers"
== Gallery ==