The Boss Baby: Family Business/Transcript

(grand orchestral fanfare playing)
(gentle melody playing)
♪ ♪
TIM: (?) Time is a funny thing.
When I was a kid…
YOUNG TIM: One.
…the days lasted forever.
Two.
Hide, hide, hide!
Three.
TIM: But the years…
Wait! Over here.
…well, they went by so fast.
Four.
Five. Six.
Tim, no peeking.
TED SR.: Yeah, no peeking.
TIM: Before you know it…
Seven.
…you’re all grown-up.
Eight.
It even happened to me.
Nine.
Nine and a half. Ten!
Ready or not, here I come. (grunts)
My name’s Tim, and this… well, this is the rest of my story.
(roars playfully)
Run for your lives!
(laughing): No fair, Dad. You peeked.
(laughter, squealing)
They call me a stay-at-home dad, which means…
Let’s go!
…I hardly get to stay at home.
Buckle up, Templetons.
Ready?
Set.
Go!
(engine roars, tires squeal)
TIM: Now, some might say I still have an overactive imagination, but being a dad is the coolest job in the world.
Bunch of cool jobs, really.
(laughing)
Sometimes I’m a race car driver.
CAROL: Whoo! Daddy-o Andretti!
TABITHA: Yay, Templetons!
TIM (Southern accent): Well, and then sometimes I’m the best darn cook in the county and I deal out every meal.
Come on, Pa, hit me.
(burps)
(chuckles) Tina.
(Tina laughs)
Whew, doggie! And the house wins again.
(thunder crashes)
CAROL: Yay!
TABITHA: Woo-hoo!
TIM (spooky voice): Or a surgeon, if need be. (chuckles)
Spork.
Spork.
Spatula.
Spatula.
Give my creature life!
(growling)
(Carol and Tabitha gasp)
She’s alive!
TIM: We have our ups, and we have our downs.
(whimpers)
No, no, no. Look. Look.
Lamb Lamb’s okay. See?
Yay!
TIM: But we always stick together.
My wife, Carol.
It’s a miracle!
TIM: She’s the breadwinner of the family.
(applause)
Thank you. You know what they say: “It’s all about the dough.”
(laughter)
And I couldn’t have done it without my husband.
He really rose to the occasion.
It’s the yeast I can do.
(cheering)
Yeah, Mama!
TIM: She brings home the bacon, too, while I keep an eye on our new baby, Tina.
(chuckles): But sometimes, feels like she’s keeping an eye on me.
And Tabitha…
Thank you!
…our little second-grader who just got accepted into the best school in town.
(laughter)
Yay, Tabitha!
TIM: We’re so proud.
I still keep in touch with the old gang, too.
Believe it or not, Jimbo is mayor now.
BOTH: Cookie!
Of course, his wife, Staci, is the real brains behind the operation.
MAN: Yo, Jimbo!
Now, the Triplets…
♪ Busted… ♪
♪ Busted… ♪
♪ Busted. ♪
(sirens wailing)
TIM: Yeah, they haven’t changed much.
And as for my baby brother, Ted, well, he grew up to be the boss, all right.
He’s so busy we hardly see him anymore.
(toy squeaking)
(phone rings)
But, hey, he always remembers to send inappropriately lavish gifts on special occasions.
(Tabitha squeals)
OMG! Uncle Ted is the best!
(neighing)
(clatters)
(Tim gasps)
(sighs)
TIM: All in all, my life is pretty perfect.
(insects trilling, birds chirping)
But all that was about to change.
(yelps, gasps)
Good heavens.
I’ll save you!
Ha!
(Tina screams, laughs)
Thanks, babe.
Stay calm, Tabitha.
I’m coming for you.
I’m gonna save you from the bubbling lava!
Dad, what are you doing?
Ew, gross. It went everywhere.
Come on, this is the candy volcano of doom!
You used to love it. (mimics explosion)
But I’m trying to do my homework, or I’m doomed.
Oh.
Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned, you’re only a kid once.
Once you grow up, you can never go back.
(babbling)
Ee…!
(grunts)
(gasps) Oh, no.
Good night, Dr. Hawking.
Carbon, boron, beryllium, lithium, helium, hydrogen.
Nailed it.
Boom shakalaka.
(laughs)
“Carry the four.” (chuckles) Gosh.
TIM: Hey there, Tabitha.
(Carol whoops, Tina laughs)
It’s The Good Night Show.
Live from your bedroom, starring Dad and Mom.
And special guest, baby Tina.
(laughing)
Good night, little Tina. Mwah!
Come back here, you. (chuckles)
Good night, Mom.
Mwah!
Good night, sweetheart. Mama’s gonna kiss you.
Mama gonna kiss you.
(Tim clears throat)
♪ Good night song ♪
♪ With your dad… ♪
What?
What? It’s time for your good-night song.
Oh, no, thanks.
I’m listening to white noise!
Helps me fall asleep!
(mimicking white noise)
Hey, what would you say to me helping you rehearse for the holiday pageant?
(gasps)
Yes! Right?
I can come to school with you, and you can get all your friends together, and we can rehearse together, go get some ice cream after.
My treat.
No! You can’t do that.
Um, liability issues.
It’s this whole thing.
Oh. Right, right. (chuckles)
Right.
Whoa. How about your favorite bedtime story?
You know, the one about…
Uncle Ted was a magical talking baby.
There was a rocket full of puppies, and you saved the world.
(shushing)
It was a good story, wasn’t it?
Well, it didn’t really make a lot of sense.
The jokes were good, right?
Mm.
Okay. Um…
Dad.
(yawns)
My schedule is brutal tomorrow.
(grunting): Yeah. My schedule’s pretty brutal, too.
Oh, don’t forget Lamb Lamb.
Good night, Lamb Lamb.
(kisses) Good night, Uncle Ted.
I hope to grow up and be a success, just like you.
Maybe we’ll see you soon.
Good night, Tabitha.
Don’t you think I’m a little old for that now?
Uh, okay.
I think it’s time we both grow up.
I look forward to greeting you at the breakfast table.
Sweet dreams.
Hmm.
♪ ♪
Where has the time gone?
WIZZIE: How should I know? (grunts)
Wait, wait. I see light.
(toy train tooting)
You, oh, out of my way. (yells)
(gasps) At long last.
The sweet breath of freedom.
Wizzie?
You there, what century is this?
(shudders) Unhand me, vile ogre!
No, no, no, no. Wizzie, it’s me.
It’s Tim.
(gasps)
Is it really you?
Come closer.
Let me see your face.
Closer.
Closer still.
Oh, Timothy.
It is you.
Hey! What was that for?
You cast me into eternal darkness and wreaked havoc on my circadian rhythms.
I’m sorry, Wizzie.
Hey, but you look great, though.
Except for the arm, you mean.
(chuckles) I didn’t even notice.
You thought it.
I mean, I noticed it, ’cause I… you obviously don’t have an arm. I-I…
You would never treat Lamb Lamb this way.
Well, I… I gave her to my daughter, Tabitha.
You have produced an heir, Timothy?
Two, actually.
Two? Let the bells ring!
(bells jingling, alarms blaring)
No, no, no. Wizzie, stop.
Yes! Yes!
Wizzie, shh! Quiet, quiet.
It’s a time for celebration!
No, no, no. It’s not the time for celebration.
Wizzie, shh. Be quiet.
What? What is it?
What is it, Tim?
I don’t know.
(alarms stop)
I guess I’m just not feeling very celebratory right now.
Oh?
Tabitha. (sighs)
Man, Wizzie, she’s growing up so fast.
It’s like she doesn’t even need me anymore.
Yes, first, they start spending less time with you.
TIM: Mm.
Then they stop coming to you for advice.
Exactly.
Soon, they take you for granted.
I guess.
Then break your arm.
What?
Then stuff you into a box!
Okay. Wizzie, you’re… you’re not helping.
(Wizzie scoffs)
Okay, I’m just… I’m afraid Tabitha and I are growing apart, like… like I did with my brother.
Oh.
I thought we had all the time in the world.
But you can’t turn back time, can you?
How dare you question my power!
Turn back. Turn back.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, great wheel of li…
Wait. (shushes)
(Wizzie snoring)
Did you hear that?
(gasps) Never abuse the snooze button!
(shushes) It sounds like it’s coming from the baby’s room.
What is it? A creature of the night?
Witches? Is it the baying of the hounds of hell?
Wizzie!
Don’t go, Tim!
I can turn back time– to the golden years, when it was just you and me.
My good arm.
Don’t open the door.
(fading in distance): Remember last time!
(muffled voice speaking indistinctly)
AUTOMATED VOICE: If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.
Thank you.
(whispers): Hello?
If you would like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Ah. Just my phone.
Get it together, man.
Oh, Tina, you little klepto…
Nighty night.
…maniac!
(rapid babbling)
Whoa!
Hi, Daddy.
T-Tabitha? Is that you?
(laughing)
(gasps)
(laughing): You should’ve seen your face.
Oh, it’s priceless.
You’re… You… You-you…
(mock gasping)
You-you can talk?
Yep. I’m in the family business.
(whispers): It’s a clip-on tie. (shushes)
You see, Daddy, BabyCorp is more of what I…
Oops.
Daddy, Daddy, come in. Can you hear me?
Daddy, do you read me?
(Tim groaning)
Daddy, how many fingers am I holding up?
Thursday?
I should’ve given you a warning.
I forgot you were an old man.
(yells, spits)
Wait, wait.
You’re from BabyCorp?
Yes.
BabyCorp is more of what I call a side hustle for me.
Uh-huh.
The point is I’m all in on the Templetons.
Go, Templetons!
Oh! Okay.
You guys really know how to baby a baby.
I mean, it’s incredible.
Oh, oh. (chuckles)
Not that’s it’s all five-star.
I have to say, you got a lot of issues.
Sure. Yeah.
We’ll talk about that later.
Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe this.
Hey, want to go scare the crap out of Mom?
Daddy, please stay focused.
(chuckles) Oh.
(grunts) Right, right, right.
There’s a crisis at BabyCorp.
What is it this time?
(gasps) Kittens?
No. This time, it’s even worse.
Worse than kittens?
Yes.
That’s why I volunteered for this supersecret assignment.
TOY: Mommy.
Ooh, I want to help. What-what do you want me to do?
That’s the spirit, Daddy.
You are exactly who I need.
Yes!
To get Uncle Ted.
No. What?
What-What’s with the face?
Daddy, BabyCorp can’t wait any longer.
All the pressure’s on me, Pop.
When I volunteered for this gig, I thought it would be easy.
But you two never see each other.
It’s so sad.
It’s like, “F-minus. See me after class.”
(gargles)
Sad? Uh, yeah, maybe.
A little. I don’t know.
Did you forget to call him?
I noticed you can be a little absentminded.
Sorry, what?
It’s just that you tend to procrastinate.
-You have to get him here for the holidays.
(line ringing)
No, I’m not…
(ringing stops)
No, I’m not gonna call him right now.
Daddy, can’t never could.
No.
(line ringing)
Did you two have a fight or something?
No.
But you’re mad at him?
Stop that. It’s complicated.
(ringing stops)
Why? Do you need help using your phone?
(line ringing)
No, I don’t need help using my…
(ringing stops)
Okay. What’s the problem?
(sighs)
(line ringing)
What’s the issue? Talk to me.
There’s no point, okay?
(ringing stops)
I call him. I invite him. He never shows up.
He’s always got a work meeting or a business trip or a conference call.
All he cares about is work.
But after a while, you… you just stop trying.
He’s still your brother.
(line ringing)
You were partners.
Yeah, I guess sometimes you just…
(ringing stops)
…you grow up and grow apart.
(line ringing)
(gasps)
Daddy, don’t say no.
What if everybody said no?
Nothing would happen.
Nothing would get off the ground.
You got to wake up every day and you got to say, “Yes, yes, yes!”
Surprise me. Say yes.
(sighs)
(ringing stops)
This is really disappointing.
And now I’m getting mad!
It’s late.
We can work on this tomorrow, okay?
(grunts)
(toy squeaks)
Oh. Whoopsie. Your little horsey fell off.
Another day won’t hurt, right?
Good night, sweetie.
(door closes)
(scoffs)
(tape rewinding)
TIM (recorded): Good night, sweetie.
…horsey fell off.
(rewinding)
Tabitha?
♪ ♪
(low rumbling, objects rattling)
Huh?
(gasps, squeals)
♪ ♪
Uh, don’t worry. I got it.
(Tim yells, groans)
Where is she? Where is she?
Where’s who? What?
I came as fast as I could.
Ted?
I canceled all my meetings.
What are you doing here? (grunts) Why are you yelling?
Where’s Tabitha?
Tabitha?
Where is she, Tim?
CAROL: Ted.
Uncle Ted, you’re here! You’re really here.
Which arm is it? Left or right?
Huh?
Is it your fibula? Talk to me.
Whoa.
Good dilation. Open up.
(groans)
Say, “Ah.” Are you okay?
Wh-What are you doing?
You look okay.
Whoa.
Don’t worry. I’m fine, Uncle Ted.
That’s my girl.
Woo-hoo.
Uh, wh-what brings you into town?
Well, Tabitha fell off her pony.
She did?
She did?
I did?
Tim left me a voice mail.
He did?
I did?
You did.
TIM (cobbled from recording): Hello. This is your brother.
Help. Tabitha fell off horsey.
Good night, sweetie.
Well, that was unsettling.
I swear I didn’t leave that message.
(coos)
On… purpose.
I…
Butt-dialed?
(chuckles) With my butt.
While I was talking in my sleep. I do that sometimes.
You sleep-butt-dialed me?
With my butt.
(Carol chuckling)
I knew there must be a perfectly logical explanation.
(chuckles) And there it is.
TED: Hmm.
All that matters is that you’re here.
TABITHA: Woo-hoo! Yay!
(Tina squeals)
Absolutely. Uh, for now.
(Tina giggling)
Uncle Ted, please stay for Christmas. Please.
Sorry, sweetie. I can’t do Christmas on the 25th.
But, Uncle Ted, I missed you so much.
(echoing): I missed you so much.
I missed you so much.
Mm… wah!
TABITHA: Don’t you think I’m a little old for that now?
(echoing): Don’t you think I’m a little old for that now?
Don’t you think I’m a little old for that now?
(chuckles) Can I talk to you in the kitchen?
Alone.
TED: The baby, Tim?
(shushes)
She’s been sent from up there.
Upstairs?
That’s right. BabyCorp.
So you’re saying the voice mail was some kind of call for help.
Yes! No.
She comes from a secret corporation run by babies.
Tim, I’m gonna give you the name of a doctor.
Roy Federman. Just tell him I sent you, okay?
(hushed): What are they saying?
We should give them some privacy.
Here you go.
Ooh. Thanks.
TIM: I’m not crazy!
You just don’t remember. Tell him, Tina.
He… I…
TED: She can’t talk, Tim.
TIM: Stop interrupting.
(Tina groans)
TED: Interrupting what? I don’t hear anything.
Except your obnoxious voice. You hear that.
I have a beautiful voice.
(groans)
TIM: Fine.
I can prove that everything I’m saying is real.
TED: Oh, yeah?
TIM: Yeah!
Suck it, Ted.
I beg your pardon?
You, suck.
No, no, Tim. You suck.
CAROL: Time to go buy a Christmas tree.
But we already have a Christmas tree.
No, we don’t. No, we don’t.
Yes, we do. Yes, we do.
Suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it, suck it.
Get that pacie out of my face!
Excuse me.
I hate to interrupt, but may I make a suggestion?
Why don’t you both suck it?
Ha! (whoops)
(grunts)
(grunting)
She can talk.
A lot.
(whoops)
Buckle up, boys.
(sucking rapidly)
(all screaming)
TINA: Baby on board!
(Tim whooping)
That’s what I’m talking about!
(laughs) Woo-hoo!
(screaming)
(sighs)
♪ ♪
TIM: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
(both grunt)
(yelps)
Wow.
(Tina laughs)
(gasps)
I’m home.
TIM: Yeah. See?
It’s all real.
TED: Whoa.
Is that me?
TINA: If you’re fishing for a compliment, you caught one!
You are a legend in this joint.
A statue?
Well, I did single-handedly save the company.
Double-handedly.
(chuckling): Right? We were partners.
Really?
I don’t see your statue.
I still love you, Daddy.
TIM: They got the head size right.
(ding)
TED: Take it from me, you have to be aggressive if you want to get ahead.
Climb that corporate ladder until you’re the last baby standing at the top.
TIM: Wow.
Actually, I prioritize a good work-life balance and a positive environment where my ideas are valued.
(laughing)
Oh, you’re serious.
You’re funny, Uncle Ted.
I wonder why they didn’t mention that in your file.
My file?
You saw my file?
(Tim sighs)
Yep.
What does it say?
It says a lot.
This is the Crisis Center.
Whoa. Wow.
This is where we monitor all threats to babies around the world.
And Hawaii.
This is so cool. This is so cool.
(roaring): I’m Godzilla.
“Oh, run for your lives! Run for your lives!”
Why did we bring him?
Daddy, get down from there.
Aw.
We can play on it later when no one is looking.
What’s the crisis?
Yeah.
Here we go. What’s the crisis, sweetie?
Rusty, roll it.
(snores, whines)
He’s new.
DR. ARMSTRONG (over speakers): Just imagine, baby surgeons.
(buzzer sounds)
Uh-oh.
(babies giggling)
Or baby astronauts.
(singsongy): Floaty, floaty, float.
Yes, babies are gonna run the world one day.
And that day is coming sooner than you think.
Hello. My name is Dr. Erwin Armstrong, founder of The Acorn Center for Advanced Childhood.
Wait a minute, that’s… that’s Tabitha’s school.
Here at the center, we believe babies are the ultimate learning machines.
Isn’t that right, little Nathan?
Yeah!
(chuckles): Okay.
They should use their precious time to develop faster, push harder.
Hmm.
(Tim scoffs)
Parents, they have the best intentions, of course, but they’re not experts.
After all, the only thing holding your child back is… you.
KIDS: You!
This explains why Tabitha’s been pulling away from me.
It’s the school.
ARMSTRONG: Everybody, wave.
Bye, Mommy.
KIDS: Bye, Mommy!
Bye, Daddy.
Bye, Daddy!
(singsongy): Sayonara.
Now, in the past six months, these schools have been popping up all over the world.
Uh, so what’s the problem?
The school is the problem.
Yeah. School is evil.
No, Daddy, not all schools are evil.
It’s just this one, okay?
Okay.
If Armstrong’s philosophy keeps spreading, it could be the end of childhood.
No.
Childhood was the worst three years of my life.
That’s so sad.
You probably just didn’t do it right.
Huh?
Aw.
But luckily, you get a do-over.
A second chance.
BabyCorp has developed a new super-duper baby formula that can turn a grown-up back into a baby.
(baby coos)
We have it in cherry, grape, orange and lime.
For real?
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You want me to be a baby?
Hey, it’s what you do best.
So you can infiltrate the school and find out what Dr. Armstrong is really up to.
BabyCorp will take care of the rest.
(whoops)
(Tim gasps, laughs)
It’s the perfect disguise.
And it only lasts 48 teensy-weensy hours.
Oh, I am in on the mission.
Sorry, Pops.
Ow.
It’s not your mission.
Aw.
“Warning: may cause drooling, babbling, emotional outbursts, fits of laughter, loss of bowel control, chubby thighs”?
I think some guys at my gym take this stuff.
(screams)
My texting hand!
Even though it is your daughter’s school.
(screaming)
Doesn’t seem fair, does it?
Daddy, no. Please stop.
(glugs) Whoa!
(babbling rapidly)
What? It actually works.
(Ted straining)
TED: It’s mine!
(yells)
I’m better with this kind of thing!
Oh!
(glugs, screams)
And what kind of thing is that, Flock of Seagulls?
(both grunting)
(record scratches)
(“The Time Warp” from Rocky Horror Picture Showplaying)
Everything!
Gotcha!
You might feel very emotional, have some mood swings.
(glugging)
(Ted yells)
Oh! (babbles)
Hey! (screams)
Ouch. There’s the awkward stage.
Now, the tea’s hot, Connie.
You always have to be the hero, don’t you?
What’s that supposed to mean? (grunts)
Never see him… (frightened whimpering)
All of a sudden, he shows up with a pony.
(screams) You’re just jealous, helmet head.
She’s my daughter!
She’s my niece. (screams)
(grunts)
Do you want cream or sugar?
(both yelling)
I was always the successful one.
Mommy says no running in the house.
(slurps) Mm.
Hand over the bottle, mullet.
(grunting)
(screams)
You can’t hug money, you know.
(glugs, babbles)
(grunts)
But you can, Tim. You can.
(both yelling)
Men. Am I right?
(both yelling, grunting)
(glugging)
(slow-motion yelling)
(screams, grunts)
It’s not personal.
It’s business, Leslie.
(grunts)
Well, it’s personal to me, Lindsey.
(both scream)
(both whimpering)
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! Ow, ow, ow!
I’m sorry, Connie. I have to cut this short.
Tomorrow, we’ll talk about your problems.
Okay, time-out! This has gone far enough!
TABITHA: Hey. We’re home.
(grunts) And we got another tree.
A real one.
(all gasp)
Um, upstairs now.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
(both grunting)
CAROL: Push it. No, no, pull.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Push it up.
(grunts, whoops)
Pull. No, okay.
To the right.
How come I have the heavy end?
CAROL: Because you’re young and strong, honey.
Little bit more.
Me first!
(grunts)
CAROL: Come on.
Get off.
Tim? Ted?
Mom.
Get the cord. Get the cord.
Get the cord, get the cord, get the cord!
You just can’t disappear.
You need a cover story.
TED: Ow!
Oh, right.
My soft spot.
CAROL: Where are you guys?
Uh, uh, tell her you’re packing.
We’re upstairs, uh, packing.
Packing? For what?
(Tabitha yells)
Ooh. You’re going on a brother bonding trip.
We’re going on a brother bonding trip.
Ow!
Now?
But, Tim, your parents are coming tomorrow.
They can help out.
Yeah, they could help out.
What… No, you can’t leave me alone with your parents.
(Tina yells, laughs)
Oh, Tina!
(grunts) What are you doing?
(both grunting)
All right, you know what? You’re going to baby jail.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Tabitha!
CAROL: Oh, honey, I’m sorry.
TABITHA: A little help here.
CAROL: Honey, hold it up. Hold it up.
(deep voice): This is Ted Templeton, a man.
You can go ahead and take off. I have urgent family business.
CAROL: To the right, honey.
Yes, I have a family.
Tim, I’m coming up there.
(Tina gasps)
Yeah, we need to talk.
TABITHA: Hey, Mom?
Oh! Tina!
(squeals, laughs)
Put that down. Put that down. Put that down.
Put that down. Put that down.
Tina!
Put that down! Get back here!
(laughing)
Tina, stop! (grunting)
CAROL: What has gotten into you?
Time for us to go!
(grunts)
What? Now?
TED: Yeah.
My helicopter’s double-parked.
Bye!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. So soon?
Oh, no.
(both scream)
(wind whistling)
(helicopter whirring)
(panting)
What… Did they really just leave?
Yep.
Hide!
(Ted and Tim whimpering)
(groans) I got to lose this baby fat.
(Carol sighs)
Tina! What is your problem?
(Tina laughing)
♪ ♪
CAROL: Now, you’re gonna wake up tomorrow and be good, Tina.
No more devil baby.
Deal?
(coos)
Okay.
(both gasping for air)
(both scream)
Ew.
(both scream)
(chiming)
Thanks so much for coming in, ladies.
Would you like some fruit?
Mm. Ow!
What was… Hey!
Uh, can we get on with this?
(grunts, groans)
I miss my teeth.
I’ve decided who’s going on the mission.
Thank you. I accept.
Both of you.
Yes!
No.
BabyCorp wants to get the team back together, huh?
(laughs): No.
They think that’s a terrible idea.
Of course they do.
Well, I’m the boss, applesauce.
And I think you two are better together than you are apart.
Well, I work alone– or at least not with him.
Hey. There’s no “I” in “team.”
Actually, there’s no “U” in “team,” either, but there is an “M-E.”
T-E-A-M…
But teamwork doesn’t seem work.
Ah. If you want something done right, do it yourself.
We’re all in it together.
Every man for himself.
One is the loneliest number.
The ayes have it.
We the people!
Aha!
Oh. So sorry.
(whispers): Okay. Good night.
Whew.
Guess we’ll just have to melt down your big old statue and turn it into participation trophies.
Please, no, don’t hurt my statue.
Now, we have secret intel that Dr. Armstrong leaves his office every morning at 11:15.
You need to sneak in there, plant these surveillance devices, and report back to me.
Oh, man, this is so cool.
(echoing over speaker): Testing.
♪ Strangers in the night… ♪
Now, I’ve arranged for a school bus to be here at 8:00 a.m. sharp!
Thank you, Connie.
CONNIE: Nighty night.
Do not be late.
Got it.
Easy-breezy, taco-peasy, boys.
Let’s get some sleep!
(snoring)
(coos softly)
♪ ♪
CAROL: Hey, what’s the matter?
TABITHA: It’s nothing.
CAROL: Oh, sweetie, don’t worry.
I’m sure your dad will be back in time to see you in the pageant.
TABITHA: That’s okay.
CAROL: What? Don’t you want him to come?
TABITHA: I guess.
CAROL: Of course you do.
Now, go back to sleep.
TABITHA: Good night, Mom.
CAROL: Good night, sweetie.
(coos softly)
♪ ♪
CAROL: Don’t you want him to come?
TABITHA: I guess.
(gasping)
(screams)
Don’t you think I’m a little old for that now?
I think it’s time we both grow up.
(grunts)
(thunder crashes)
(gavel slamming)
The trial of Timothy Leslie Templeton is now in session.
Ha! Leslie.
(laughter)
Trial? Wait, what… what are the charges?
Fraud.
Claiming to be the world’s best dad.
But I never said…
Exhibit A.
Oh, come on. That was a gift.
(gallery gasping)
I suggest you let your attorney do the talking.
(gasps) Oh, no.
Back in my day, you had to earn one of these babies.
Dad, what? I did not…
(gallery gasping)
His best friend was an alarm clock.
Mom.
(groans) He broke my arm.
No, I didn’t! It was my brother.
Objection, Your Honor.
Sustained.
We the jury find the defendant…
ALL: A failure!
Tabitha, will you please help me out?
Whoa!
Dad, the homework, it’s just too much.
Whoa!
Tabitha!
Time’s up.
(alarm ringing)
Wait. No!
Save me, Daddy! Save me!
(screaming)
(yells, gasps)
(sighs)
Oh, man. That was crazy.
(snoring)
(both yelling)
We overslept! We overslept?
(gasping)
We overslept.
Wake up, little halflings!
Wake up! What year is it?
(alarm ringing)
Oh, no.
This is bad. No.
No! No.
(yells) Get up.
Get up. We got to go.
Come on. We’re gonna be late for… Oh!
I’m gonna email it to you.
(grunts) What’s going on?
Ah, I forgot to set Wizzie for daylight savings!
What?!
Daylight can’t be saved, Tim.
Oh, I got to get the plant and the bug we got to plant.
Grab whatever. We got to go.
Don’t panic. Do not panic.
Ow. (groans)
Godspeed, boys.
Let’s roll.
Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa…!
(grunting)
(Tim screams)
Upsies.
I need upsies…!
Oh!
(Ted yells)
TIM: Get dressed.
(both grunting and groaning)
What have you done to me?!
No, really? What, are we going sailing?
Oh, no. No, no, it’s leaving.
(both yell)
(grunts, whimpers)
Wait, no, no. Stop!
Stop, stop, stop. Come back!
Ahoy!
Come back!
(panting)
Great, matey.
What are we gonna do now?
(whistling)
♪ ♪
(neighing)
(slow-motion): Oh, no!
(continues whistling)
(whinnies)
Precious, my noble steed.
We must not be late for our first day of school.
Oh, gross.
-Huh?
(Tim screaming)
Tallyho, Precious!
(Tim continues screaming)
This pony hates me. Oh!
It’s not that she hates you, Tim.
She just doesn’t respect you.
(Tim screams, whimpers)
(horns honking)
Go left! Go left!
I’m gonna go where navigation says.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left.
Thank you, navigation.
TIM: Whoa!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn right.
(people screaming)
TIM: Sorry.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Turn left. Proceed on the current route.
TED: Yeehaw!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Recalculating.
Hold on to your holster.
Hyah!
(yells)
(cell phone buzzing)
(grunts) Oh, no. It’s Carol!
Don’t answer it.
Hi.
CAROL: Oh, Tim.
How’s your bonding trip?
Uh… Whoa!
Whoa. Slow down.
How… is… your… bonding trip?
Aah! Whoa.
(screams) You’re here!
Oh, no.
TIM: I mean, um, I wish you were here.
Oh, we miss you, too.
Don’t we, girls?
We’re, uh…
We’re, uh, rebooting our relationship and, uh, restoring the closeness that we once felt.
That’s so great.
We’ve got to go. (chuckles)
CAROL: Where are you?
Uh, a hockey game.
Hey!
He shoots, he scores!
He scores! He scores!
Ladies and gentlemen, he scores!
♪ Busted… ♪
♪ Busted… ♪
♪ Busted. ♪
(sirens wail)
Is that the police?
Uh, no, not the police.
It’s, uh… it’s a hockey alarm.
Faster, Tim.
I ain’t going back to the clink!
Now, I just wanted to remind you that Tabitha’s pageant is tomorrow night.
You have to be there.
Uh, I will be there in one shape or another.
(Ted grunts)
You promise?
I promise.
And what about Ted?
Happy holidays, coppers.
You’re never gonna take me alive, see?
Uh, he’s busy.
What are you doing? It’s the cops.
(Ted laughs)
Sorry, Officers.
TED: Santa’s got something for everybody.
TIM: Sorry.
♪ ♪
AUTOMATED VOICE: Recalculating.
(Tim screams, Ted laughs)
Oh, my God! It’s so real!
It’s so real! It’s so real!
(Tim screaming over phone)
Tim?
(Tabitha speaks Mandarin)
(people screaming)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Recalculating.
TIM: Left! Left! Left!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Recalculating.
TIM: Right, right, right, right, right!
AUTOMATED VOICE: Recalculating.
And now the moment we’ve all waited for!
(people screaming)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Proceed on the current route.
(screams)
See, Tim?
(blowing)
Always trust… Holy…
(Tim screaming)
CAROL: Tim?
TIM: Uh, Carol?
You’re breaking up. I’m losing you.
No, honey, I can hear you fine.
See you at the pageant. Got to go. Bye.
Okay.
(yells)
(screams) Whoa!
Sorry.
(yells)
(Jimbo whimpering)
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(screams)
It’s too real! It’s too real!
(clamoring)
(siren wailing)
(screaming)
TED: Tallyho, Precious!
(gasps)
No, no, no, tally… Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
(whimpers)
(grunts)
(tires screeching)
(grunts) Tina!
Tina!
(Tim screaming)
TED: Whoa!
(laughs)
(screaming)
TED: Woo-hoo!
Whoa! (laughs)
(Tim panting)
JIMBO: Tree!
(siren whoops)
AUTOMATED VOICE: You’ve arrived at your destination.
And with a minute to spare.
(distant explosion)
Oh. Huh.
I’ll send them a check.
(both chuckling)
Oh, that was fun.
You did it.
We did it.
I guess we did.
I was talking about me and Precious.
Oh.
Isn’t that right, baby?
Yeah. Right.
Get down!
(yells)
♪ ♪
(kids chattering)
Whoa. This place even looks evil.
TED: It’s just a school.
You’re overreacting.
And so is BabyCorp.
No, I’m telling you, this school is stressing Tabitha out.
Tabitha can handle it.
She’s a real chip off the old block.
Wait, who’s the block?
I’m the block.
Well, you can’t be the block. I’m the block.
Then start acting like a block.
Wh-What does that mean? I’m the block.
I’ve always been the block.
Yeah. Not even close.
TIM: All I do is block.
I wake up in the morning, I block.
(kids grunting)
I go to sleep, blocking.
I’m the block.
Tim, enough.
I’m the block.
No, you’re not! Stop it!
Shh.
(whistle blows)
(chuckles) Sweet.
Suckers.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Children only beyond this point.
Hey.
No crying is permitted in the separation zone.
Okay, looks like we got to split up.
Good. I could use a break.
TABITHA: Bye, Mom.
All right, bye, honey.
(gasps, yells) There’s Tabitha.
I’ll see you after school.
Okay.
(window squeaking)
TED: Apparently, there’s no “A” in “teamwork,” either.
All right, let’s boogie.
(grunts) Not so fast.
I’m blue. You’re yellow.
(laughing): You’re over there in the choo-choo.
(raucous laughter)
Aw. It’s full of babies.
Is it? I didn’t notice.
(laughing): Just kidding. It’s hilarious.
Uh, wait. Your tie’s crooked.
(fingers snap)
Okay, Tim, focus.
We’ll meet outside Armstrong’s office at 11:15.
We’ll sneak in, and we’ll plant the bugs.
Are you focused?
Hey, what the…
Oh, I am focused, all right.
No, no.
I’m not yellow. I’m blue.
11:30. Stick to the plan.
11:15.
15. Got it. The block is focused.
-I’m blue! Aah! I’m blue.
(babies laughing)
Don’t you understand? I’m blue!
ARMSTRONG (over speakers): Welcome, children.
Willkommen.
Bienvenue.
Annyeonghaseyo.
And buenos días.
Thank you for choosing to be excellent.
Please don’t touch me.
(babies laughing)
This is some ridiculous mistake.
I’m blue! I’m blue!
♪ The wheels on the bus go pi R-squared ♪
♪ Circumference all around. ♪
Yes.
TIM: Hello.
Uh, hello.
Nice plant.
This is my emotional support plant.
Hi. I-I’m new here.
Said nihonium to the other elements in the periodic table.
Ooh.
(laughter)
Okay.
Can’t sit here.
Or here. Or there.
(yells)
Seating position is determined by class rank.
We can’t possibly include your data, given that the rigor of your previous school is an unknown variable.
STUDENTS: Ooh.
(laughs)
Sick burn, Nathan.
(grunts)
(groans)
Ow.
Here.
You can take my seat.
(sighs)
I’m so proud of you.
I mean… thanks.
Okay…
(school bell rings)
ARMSTRONG: Good morning.
STUDENTS: Good morning, Dr. Armstrong!
(chuckles) Very warm welcome. Thank you.
Huh?
As you can see, we’ve got a new colleague joining us today.
Ooh.
Hello.
New colleague, why don’t you introduce yourself.
Uh, my name’s Ti… um, Marcos.
Hmm.
Marcos Lightspeed.
Marcos Lightspeed.
Yeah. Colorful, characterful, and I like it.
In any case…
(gasps)
…welcome, Marcos, to Blue Unit.
(gasps)
Our most advanced class.
Ooh, this is rarefied air we’re breathing.
(groans)
Here at The Acorn Center, we believe that all competition is…
STUDENTS: Healthy competition.
(babies yelling, laughing)
(noisemakers blaring)
I’m trapped in the dum-dum holding tank.
(gasps) I’m having a panic attack.
There must be a way out of here.
Something doesn’t smell right.
(sniffs) Blueberry.
(laughing)
(whispers): I have to get out of here.
Hi.
Don’t look at me.
Okay.
(baby laughing)
And our first subject today is…
No fractions, no fractions, no fractions. Whoa!
Particle physics.
Yes! What?
Yes! (laughs)
Who knows which scientist first theorized that the universe has a limit beyond which the laws of physics break down?
(students clamoring)
Wow. Everybody seems to know.
(sighs, gasps)
Señor Lightspeed.
Um, Dr. Flam… baisley?
(buzzer sounds)
Oh, that’s the wrong answer.
His brain sure doesn’t move at light speed.
(laughter)
ARMSTRONG: Uh, okay.
I know, right?
Anybody else?
Right here.
Max Planck.
(bell dings)
ARMSTRONG: That’s correct.
Tabitha has set the bar.
First one on the board. Ding, ding, ding.
Way to go, Tabitha.
You’re going down, Templeton.
Bring it on, Nathan.
Yeah, Tabitha. Get him.
ARMSTRONG: Next subject.
Ancient Greek.
STUDENTS: Opa!
Oprah! (chuckles)
(laughter, babbling)
Attention.
Attention, everyone.
Who wants to play Shawshank?
No!
BABIES: Huh?
Who wants to go outside and play?
(cheering)
Does that sound fun? Good.
Now, anybody have any ideas?
BABY: No!
Come on, people.
Think, think, think, think, think.
We need to think outside the box.
Oh, oh, oh! Me, me! Oh!
You, Bo-Peep.
We can build a hot-air balloon out of Popsicle sticks and bubble gum!
(laughing)
And how would it fly?
Pixie dust!
(laughing, cheering)
Get back in the box, Bo-Peep.
All the way in?
All the way in.
Yay!
Ooh. Uh, can we get in the box, too?
Can we? Can we?
BABY: Glue.
I like glue.
Who doesn’t?
But we’re trying to brainstorm here.
Glue’s good.
(laughing wildly)
Think, think, think, think, think, think…
(groans)
…think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think!
Bingo.
Next subject.
X is equal to the derivative of…
NATHAN: Ooh, me!
Itself.
ARMSTRONG: Kudos for Tabitha.
Wow. You knew that?
The world’s leading producer of bauxite is…
NATHAN: Oh!
Australia.
ARMSTRONG: Once again, Tabitha’s on the board.
Very good.
Yes, Tabitha!
(applause)
We got 15 minutes, people.
The difference in “try” and “triumph” is just a little oomph.
BABIES: Oomph!
Go big or go home.
Okay. Going home.
Let’s pick up the pace.
No!
Hand downs, Norma Rae. This is my time.
To be, or not to be? Tabitha.
To be.
That’s correct.
(bell dings)
Can anyone tell me the horsepower of a 302 engine?
Uh, seven?
(buzzer sounds)
ARMSTRONG: Oh, boy.
Weak sauce, Nathan.
That was weak.
(groans)
Tabitha, do you have an idea about that?
300 horsepower with a four-barrel carb.
(bell dings)
TIM: Wow.
(groans)
Her dad must be a genius.
(applause)
On my signal, unleash heck.
Fire!
(babies grunt)
(babies cheering)
Yes!
I found a cure!
(cheering)
(bell dings)
Yes! Yes! She did it!
She did it.
(students gasp)
(buzzers sounding)
STUDENTS: Marcos!
I did it. I did it.
(babies cheering)
Remember, your size doesn’t determine your strength.
Well, so far, it’s Tabitha number one and everybody else last.
(cheering, applause)
(groans, sobs)
♪ ♪
Psst. Hey, Tabitha.
You’re really…
A geek. I know.
No.
You’re amazing.
Oh. Thanks, Marcos.
You’ll be singing a different tune at rehearsal.
The wrong tune.
(both laughing)
You’re so funny.
Hilarious!
And yeah, Templeton, don’t be late.
(laughs)
(gasps) Late.
I’m late.
ARMSTRONG: Next subject.
Yes!
(straining): Just a little further.
(babies giggling, babbling)
Glue!
(yells, screams)
TIM: Excuse me.
(engine revving)
Yes, Marcos.
Can I have a hall pass? I have to go.
ARMSTRONG: Voilà. Feel free.
(scoffs) Now what?
(grunts) Now what?
(babies crying)
Glue!
Glue is bad!
(whimpering)
Glue.
(gasps) Glue is good.
How to get to the principal’s office.
Of course.
You get sent to the principal’s office.
(“It’s Tricky” by Run-D.M.C. playing)
Booyah!
(students gasp)
♪ I think it’s very vital to rock a rhyme… ♪
♪ Here we go, it’s tricky to rock a rhyme ♪
♪ To rock a rhyme that’s right on time, it’s tricky ♪
♪ It’s tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky ♪
♪ It’s tricky to rock a rhyme ♪
♪ To rock a rhyme that’s right on time, it’s tricky… ♪
What’s up, y’all?
School is… stupid.
(students gasp)
(staticky): Listen, you know, I acknowledge your anger.
It’s, uh, very, uh, feisty, but please sit down.
Okay. Uh, no.
(students gasp)
Sitting is… stupid!
He’s such a bad boy.
STUDENTS: Ooh.
(speaking indistinctly through static)
♪ It’s tricky to rock a rhyme ♪
♪ To rock a rhyme that’s right on time, it’s tricky ♪
-♪ How is it, D? ♪
♪ It’s tricky, tricky… ♪
All right. I’m afraid you can’t disrupt class any longer.
Oh, no. Are we gonna have a talk in your office?
No.
You are gonna have a time-out.
STUDENTS (gasping): The Box?
He’s going in the Box.
(murmuring)
No, the Box makes you crazy.
The Box?
♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away ♪
(groans) ♪ Sail away, sail away ♪
♪ Sail away… ♪
(grunts)
ARMSTRONG: Sayonara, Marcos.
(gasps)
AUTOMATED VOICE: Your time-out begins now.
Relax.
Wait!
(music stops)
(child crying)
ROBOT VOICE: Don’t cry.
There, there. All better.
(Ted grunting)
(muffled grunting)
(yells, mumbles)
(grunting, spitting)
(sighs) It’s like they always say:
If you want something done right, you have to do it without your brother!
We meet again, doorknob.
(grunting)
(door creaking)
ARMSTRONG: Hello.
Welcome, welcome.
Please come in. Entrez vous?
You’re here.
Oh, yes. I… I was expecting you. I… (grunts, yells)
(button beeps)
I expected that you would be expecting me, so there.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, I know why you’re here, so, uh… so there.
(button beeps)
(chuckles) You do?
Mm-hmm. Yes, I do.
(button beeps)
(whirring)
Have a seat, please.
(grunts) Thank you.
You know what you are?
Mm?
You are, if I may, extremely intelligent.
Go on. (grunts)
Uh, as a matter of fact, I’ve been observing you.
(button beeps)
Spends time wisely. Check.
Makes good use of classroom materials. Check.
Keeps hands to self. Check.
Hey, forget “works well with others.”
You make others work well for you.
That’s literally the title of the book I’m working on.
No kidding. You had no business being in Yellow Level, did you?
It was sabotage.
Sabotage. Exactly.
Jealousy, fear. Hey, I faced the same obstacles.
In fact, you know, you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age, which is now.
(grunts)
What?
(laughs)
Surprise, surprise.
What the frittata?
Well put.
He’s a ba… You’re a baby.
I repeat, you’re a baby.
So surprised, you said it twice. (chuckles)
(laughs)
Unfortunately, people are, uh, not ready for a… a baby in a position of power.
Yet.
Remind me to get the number of your muttonchop guy.
You know, I could use somebody like you.
With a superior intelligence like my own.
Uh… really?
Mmm.
Somebody who can, uh…
Mmm. (crunching)
Mmm. Yeah.
(gasps)
Truly comprehend what I’m trying to accomplish.
Well, you’re looking at him.
Bingo.
Mmm. We have a secret level.
Mmm. For very special babies.
Mmm. The best of the best.
Ah. The elite.
Beyond blue?
Oh, yeah. Way beyond.
Way beyond. Ooh.
Mmm. There’s a meeting today…
(slurps) …after school.
Babies only.
We may be small, but we’re about to teach grown-ups a big lesson.
Mmm. Lolly?
Okay.
(school bell ringing)
Oh. Time for recess.
Bye-bye.
(button beeps)
(singsongy): Sayonara….
(groans)
(grunts)
Well, I think that went well.
TED (recorded): You’re a baby.
TINA: What?
I repeat, you’re a baby.
(scoffs)
Is he talking to me? He better not be talking to me, because I’ll… Armstrong?
(chuckles) You’re right, Connie.
He’s talking about Armstrong.
I don’t know what has gotten into her.
(gasps)
But she’s acting strange, Dr. Federman.
(laughing)
Isn’t it a bit early for terrible twos?
Is there terrible ones? Is that a thing?
Oh, piano-playing bunny, you slay me.
Okey dokey.
We need some eyes on the prize, visual confirmation here.
(snoring)
Oh, Daddy.
If I were there, I’d pinch you so hard.
(sleepily): ♪ Sail away, sail away… ♪
AUTOMATED VOICE: Your time-out has concluded.
Sail away! What time is it?
AUTOMATED VOICE: It is time for recess.
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late, I’m late. Come on.
(chuckling): He’ll understand, right?
(gasps) Okay. Where is he? Where is he?
Where is he? Uh…
(kids chattering, whooping)
Oomph! Yeah, baby!
(cheering)
No, not my bows.
But they’re not your bows… anymore.
(sobbing)
Yep, where there’s crying, there’s my brother.
(playing “May” from The Shawshank Redemption)
BABY (whispers): Psst. Here you go.
BABY 2: Cool.
(grunting): Glue. Glue. Glue.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, blue.
Whoa!
Where do you think youse going? You lost?
Could you let me through, please?
No!
So, what, did you flunk coloring class, kid?
(laughter)
Really, guy?
Mmm, cherry.
Go on.
Blues on the other side.
(groans)
TED: Let him through.
Okay, he’s cool.
TIM: See? I’m cool.
I’m cool.
You failed me, Tim.
I was desperate.
I crawled. I did things with glue that I’m not proud of, but I made it.
I made it all the way to Armstrong’s office, and then where’s Tim?
I know. I…
Where’s Tim?
I tried to…
Where’s Tim?!
I was in the Box, okay?
(babies gasping)
TED: The Box?
The Box?
Glue.
Yeah, that’s right.
(whispers): The Box.
Show a little respect.
See, Tim, this is why I work alone.
(sighs)
I’ll succeed in the mission.
You can take the pony home.
The only thing you’re ever gonna succeed at is being alone.
Fine.
Fine!
Fine!
I like ponies.
Aah! Thank you for sharing.
(piano playing gentle tune)
(Nathan groans in frustration)
(piano plays discordant notes)
NATHAN: You are blowing it, Templeton!
MEGHAN: Yeah, Templeton.
TABITHA: I’m trying.
NATHAN: Ugh! You always come in a beat late.
I’m sorry, Nathan. I’m doing my best.
Your best is going to keep me out of going to Juilliard.
Yeah, Templeton.
It’s one, two, three and one, two, three.
MEGHAN: One, two, three.
NATHAN and MEGHAN: And one, two, three and one, two, three and one, two, three.
And one, two…
Oh, come on!
Are you kidding me?
I just can’t do it right now, okay?
I can’t. I just can’t.
I’ll do it tomorrow.
MEGHAN: Seriously?
(school bell rings)
(kids cheering)
NATHAN: All right, all right, all right.
See you at the pageant tomorrow.
Beat it!
MEGHAN: Oh, Nathan, Nathan, let me do it.
Let me do it, Nathan.
I want to sing the song.
No.
I want to see her fail.
Oh.
Pure genius.
(laughing)
(plays ominous chords)
NATHAN: I can’t wait.
We’ll see about that.
(school bell ringing)
ARMSTRONG (over speaker): Goodbye, children.
Sayonara.
Auf Wiedersehen.
Adieu.
Adios, niños.
(students chattering)
(sighs)
(horse neighs)
(Tim gasps)
Oh, come on.
(yells)
(yelps)
Oh, my gosh.
Stop what you’re doing.
(chatter stops)
I see a baby pony.
(screaming)
(excited chatter)
I like ponies.
STUDENT: Oh, over there!
Yes!
(laughter)
It’s so cute!
(excited chatter)
(horn honks)
That’s it? No hello?
Not even a “Hi, Mom”?
What?
Hi, Tabitha!
(gasps)
Oh. Hi.
(Tina coughs)
What? You never told me you had an older sister who could drive.
Uh, that’s my mom.
Tabitha, don’t interrupt. (chuckles)
-Yeah, I’m a new friend of Tabitha’s…
Hey, stop.
(mumbling)
Oh, really?
I-I mean, we just met.
Well, what’s your name, new friend?
Stop. You’re embarrassing me.
Marcos. Marcos Lightspeed.
(horse neighs)
(babbles, grunts)
Ow!
CAROL: Tina!
What is with you?
(Tim chuckles)
Cute kid.
Well, I better get going if I’m gonna walk those three and a half miles home… in the snow… without a jacket.
Three and a half miles?
Three and a half, six– somewhere in there. (chuckles)
Yeah, well, that TV dinner is not gonna microwave itself.
TV dinner?
Yeah, I’m a latchkey kid, so I eat whatever I want.
Cartoons are my babysitter.
(tires screech)
No.
Oh, yeah.
(scoffs)
♪ Strangers in the night ♪
♪ Exchanging glances ♪
♪ Lovers… ♪
What is this?
Some kind of prank?
Children can be so cruel.
Hello.
(electronic chime)
(screaming)
(grunts)
(retches)
(grunts)
(babies yelling, laughing)
(grunts)
(retches)
Whoa. This is exactly like Bill Gates’ rec room… but a little smaller.
(grunting)
(straining)
(scraping)
What is all this?
Research and development?
Product testing?
Huh. Something tells me this isn’t day care.
Boy, could I use a spy camera right about now.
♪ Sail away, sail away, sail away. ♪
Anyway…
(gasps)
(muffled babbling)
TED: Aw.
Now, aren’t you a cutie in that little karate outfit.
(baby grunts)
Huh.
(all whooping, grunting)
Is this some kind of a ninja boy band?
(screams)
Whoa…!
(babies whooping)
Whoa!
Oh. Whoa, whoa.
(all grunting, whooping)
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh!
(screams)
Whoa. (yells)
I give up.
Cobra Kai! Cobra Kai!
(all grunting rapidly)
TED: Sayonara, baby!
Hey, there you are.
Oh, hello! (coughs)
Thank you. (sighs)
I see that you’ve angered my baby ninjas.
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
(baby laughs, grunts)
Shoo. Shoo. (chuckles)
(sneezes, babbles)
What maniacal underground fortress doesn’t have ninjas?
Am I right? (grunts)
Impressive, huh?
Pretty impressive.
What do you think? What do you think?
TED: I know tuition is pretty steep, but how do you afford all this?
ARMSTRONG: Oh, that’s a good question.
I taught babies to code.
No.
ARMSTRONG: Yes. And you know what they say about having an infinite amount of monkeys banging on typewriters?
They will eventually write Shakespeare?
A-plus. Oh, boy, you are smart.
Or the most popular apps that money can buy.
Apps. They’re writing apps.
Cat Chat.
(cat meows)
Palm Doodle.
Ooh, Find My Nose.
(Ted gasps)
Stock Crush.
You did Stock Crush?
(cash register dings)
I love Stock Crush.
All us. But my next app… ooh, it’s gonna change the world.
Forever.
So why bother with a school?
You could go public and make millions.
Oh. (laughs)
Billions.
Billions.
Yeah, but some things are more important than money.
Please don’t say “love.”
Mmm. Power.
That’s more like it.
TIM: Wow. This is so amazing.
First, the ride, and now a-a full sit-down dinner.
Wow. What a palace.
I mean, you have electricity?
Well, yeah.
Man, you guys are beyond generous.
You’re welcome anytime.
(groans)
CAROL: Tabitha, would you mind setting the table?
Okay, Mom.
Really? You’re just gonna throw that right there, huh?
(gasps)
Psst. Psst. Daddy.
Shh! It’s Marcos.
What are you doing here?
Where’s Uncle Ted?
What?
He kicked me off the mission.
He can’t do that.
Only I can do that.
You’re back on the mission.
No need. I have my own mission now.
What? What could be more important than my mission?
Got to go. Lightspeed out.
This is so great. (chuckles)
Well, I hope you’re hungry.
Been so long since I’ve used silverware. (chuckles)
So, how’d you like your first day?
Kind of intense.
(chuckles): Yeah. You’ll get used to it.
Even that Nathan kid?
Nathan.
Ugh. He’s a mess.
(chuckles): Yeah.
He is such a square.
A square?
Uh, yeah, you know, like a dork.
Dweeb. Nerdlet. A real poindexter.
Lame-o. Dorkus to the max.
(chuckles) They used to call me.
(chuckles) You’re weird.
I am?
Yeah, but in a good way.
(both chuckle)
So, why is the pageant stressing you out so much?
(groans) I have to sing.
So what?
I don’t know.
My whole family is going to be there, including my dad.
Oh.
Right.
You’re embarrassed of him?
No. No, it’s not that.
(Tim sighs heavily)
It’s just, he’s really good at this kind of thing– being creative and using your imagination– but it’s hard for me.
I just want him to be proud of me.
You know?
(coos)
Really?
Well, yeah.
Um, who are these extra plates for?
(doorbell rings)
(whispers): Mom and Dad.
Hey, hey! The key still works!
You guys should really change the locks.
Oh, you made it.
Look who’s here!
Mom and Dad.
TABITHA: Grandma! Grandpa!
TED SR.: There she is.
(gasps)
Come here, my little tabby cat.
Yay! You’re here!
Look at how big you are.
You’re almost a teenager.
Can you vote yet?
TABITHA: Ten and a half more years, Grandma.
Daddy, they’re gonna recognize you.
No, no. It’s fine.
I’ve got the glasses. See?
TED SR. and TABITHA: Selfie!
How do you do it again?
Bring out the baby.
Hide!
Where are you hiding that baby?
No. Just be cool. Be cool.
JANICE: There she is.
TED SR.: Hello.
TED SR.: Hey, who’s the new guy?
That’s Marcos.
I gotcha.
(babies clamoring)
Attention, babies. Bienvenue.
Willkommen.
Dobro pozhalovat’.
And namaste.
(clamoring continues)
Uh, babies.
Hey, hey.
No more screen time.
(clamoring stops)
(whimpering)
ARMSTRONG: Listen.
Believe it or not, I used to be just like you.
(cooing)
Yes. I even had parents.
Mine were child psychologists who made me part of an experiment.
Really?
They exposed me to 10,000 hours of Mozart, language lessons and public radio.
Huh. Wow.
I hate public radio.
It was at that point I realized I was smarter than my parents.
And with my first step, I ran away from home.
(babies moan sadly)
Why?
They pushed me around.
I got told what to do all the time.
(crying)
But a single word changed my life.
“No.” Say it.
ALL: No!
Take a nap.
Nyet!
Put on your coat.
Nein!
Eat your vegetables.
Nahii!
Are you gonna let grown-ups push you around?
No, no! No, no, no! No, no! No, no, no!
Are you?
Good God, no.
That’s right.
Why do parents get to be in charge, anyway?
They had their chance, and what did we get?
Pollution, politics, wars.
BABIES: Ooh.
Not “ooh.” “Boo.”
ALL: Boo!
The only thing holding us back is them, but not anymore.
The moment that we’ve worked so hard for is almost here.
B-Day.
(babies cheering)
B-Day?
B-Day.
I’m this many.
I’m this many.
No, no, it’s not… it’s not your birthday.
It’s the beginning of the baby revolution.
Yay, yay.
(babies cheering)
And there’ll be cake. Cake for everybody.
BABIES (chanting): Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
No more rules.
(chanting continues)
Oh là là!
No more parents.
Uh-oh.
Pew, pew, pew, pew!
Sayonara, Mama and Papa!
Oh, this is bad.
(chuckles)
All right, pep rally’s over.
Your-your parents are gonna pick you up.
(crying)
This is my life’s work.
Oh, yes, 17 long months.
To… no more parents. (laughs)
Mmm. (gargles, slurps)
Cheers to the revolution.
No. Nope. Nope.
(Tabitha chuckles)
No. Oh, that’s a keeper.
TABITHA: Oh, Tina.
Oh, it’s so cute. What’s the app called?
It’s called QT Snap.
Oh.
Show me how to download that.
Everyone has it.
So, Marcos… Lightspeed?
Is that what you said?
Mm-hmm.
Sounds like a cartoon name.
(laughing)
It really does.
(laughs awkwardly)
Well, my parents, they’re a little wacky, so…
(slurping)
Huh. It’s like I know you from somewhere.
I don’t think so.
That is a keeper, too.
Hey. Hey.
Doesn’t he look familiar?
I don’t think I do.
Yeah, he looks just like Tim.
Yeah. You look like Tim.
(coughs)
Hmm?
Huh?
Except Tim didn’t wear glasses.
Oh, that’s right. (scoffs)
Huh. Well, how about that.
(Tina sighs)
Hey, where is Tim, anyway?
Tim and Ted are on a trip.
TED SR. and JANICE: Together?
They’re bonding.
Well, that’s about time.
Yeah.
I just hope Tim’s back in time for the pageant.
(Janice scoffs)
(Ted Sr. chuckles)
Uh, why… why wouldn’t he be there?
(laughs) Tim Time.
Tim Time.
JANICE: Oh. (chuckles)
(Carol laughs)
What’s-what’s Tim Time?
Go ahead.
Okay.
Well, Marcos, Tim Time is like a black hole where things like reality and being on time get lost.
(Tabitha laughs)
Oh.
Tabitha’s father has a very active imagination.
Which is a good thing.
Yeah, that’s a… I’d say that’s a good thing.
Oh, remember when he said our boss was trying to kidnap us?
He did?
(laughter)
TED SR.: Or that his baby brother could walk and talk but only when we weren’t looking.
(laughter)
(“William TellOverture” playing)
(chuckling): Wow. Turn around.
TABITHA: That’s so Dad.
You know, Ted was quite a handful himself.
Oh, he could be very…
TED SR.: Uptight.
JANICE: Mm. Yes. High-strung.
Oh. Remember the time he sued us?
(laughter)
JANICE: Teenagers. Ugh.
He really looked up to his big brother, though.
BOTH: He did?
JANICE: Oh, yeah.
He wouldn’t leave him alone.
Everything Tim did, Teddy wanted to do.
TABITHA: Really?
Yeah.
Tagalong Teddy, we called him.
(Tabitha chuckles)
JANICE: Well, not to his face.
TED SR.: No, no.
Not to his face. He was very litigious.
But you know what? Your dad didn’t mind.
He was so proud of his little brother.
Oh, yeah.
He loved showing him off.
TED SR.: Those guys did everything together.
JANICE: They were best friends.
Just like you and me.
(Tina giggling)
Right, Tina?
Best friends forever.
Tickle monster!
(Carol chuckles)
CAROL: That’s so sweet.
TABITHA: And this is my closet.
TIM: Oh, cool closet.
And this is my bed.
And this is my fish.
(tapping)
Hey, want to see something really, really cool?
Sure.
I made this vocalizer for Dr. Hawking.
Hey, my old…
What did you do?!
Check this out.
Say hello, Dr. Hawking.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Hell-l-l-l-l…
(grunts) Um, he has performance anxiety.
Mm-hmm. Yep.
Oh, this is Lamb Lamb.
Hey, Lamb Lamb.
That’s my galaxy model right up there on my shelf.
My scientist of the week award.
Wow.
My geode rock collection.
And my telescope.
Sweet.
Hey, cool guitar.
Yeah.
That’s my dad’s.
Cool dad. (grunts)
Are you okay?
Yeah, I’m a lot taller in my mind.
Hey, if you want, I can help you with your song.
No, you can’t.
Your ears will bleed.
Oh, please.
It’ll be fun.
How about this one? It’s a classic.
(sighs) Do we have to?
Come on. Let’s try.
Okay.
It’s not gonna be good, though.
No judgment.
We’re just having fun.
(playing gentle melody)
(off-key): ♪ There’s no place like home ♪
♪ For the holidays ♪
ROBOTIC VOICE: Please stop.
No, stop. Aah…!
♪ ‘Cause no matter ♪
♪ How far away you roam… ♪
(stops playing)
Good… try.
Ugh! I just get so nervous.
(chuckles): That’s okay.
Listen, all you got to do is imagine that you’re inside the song.
Everything in the lyrics is actually happening to you.
And you can see the notes.
(playing “If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out”)
TIM: ♪ Well, if you want to sing out, sing out ♪
♪ And if you want to be free, be free ♪
Wow. Whoa!
♪ ‘Cause there’s a million things to be ♪
♪ You know that there are ♪
Whoa. Marcos, wait up.
Come on.
(grunts)
♪ And if you want to sing high, sing high ♪
(whimpering)
That’s a little too high.
♪ And if you want ♪
♪ To sing low, sing low ♪
Whoa.
I got you.
♪ ‘Cause there’s a million ways to go ♪
(gasps)
♪ You know that there are ♪
OMG, that’s a lot.
(screams)
♪ Uh-huh, it’s easy ♪
♪ Uh-huh ♪
(screams, laughs)
♪ You only need to try ♪
(screams, laughs)
(yelling)
♪ You can sing what you want ♪
Whoo! Yeah, this is fun!
♪ The opportunity’s yours ♪
(whooping)
♪ And if you do it your way ♪
Whoa.
♪ You can do it today ♪
Marcos, wait. Where are you?
Come on. You can do it.
I can’t. I can’t.
(audience cheering)
♪ ♪
(gasps softly)
(audience murmuring quietly)
(panting nervously)
Now go for it.
(audience chattering)
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
(chatter stops)
♪ ♪
Whoa. (chuckles)
Hey.
♪ It’s easy ♪
♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪
♪ You only need to try ♪
TABITHA: All right. My turn.
TIM: Here we go. It’s all you.
♪ Well, if I want to sing out, sing out ♪
♪ Sing out ♪
Yes, let it out.
♪ And if I want to be free, be free ♪
♪ Be free ♪
♪ ‘Cause there’s a million things to be ♪
♪ I know that there are, I know that there are ♪
♪ I know that there are ♪
♪ You know that there are ♪
♪ I know that there are… ♪
♪ You know that there are… ♪
♪ I know that there are ♪
♪ You know that there are ♪
♪ I know that there are. ♪
Wow. That was so great.
No, you were so great.
Thanks, Marcos.
(camera clicks)
What?
Oh, that’s a keeper.
Oh, they can see us.
They can see us.
Aw.
Guys, come on.
Stop. No, do it. Do it.
(chuckling): Oh, no.
Parents, right? (chuckles)
Bye, Templeton family!
CAROL: Bye-bye.
Bye, Marcos.
Lightspeed.
Weird kid.
JANICE: Yeah, I don’t like him.
(guitar playing softly)
♪ Catch my eye ♪
♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ This bond is tighter than we ♪
You go get ’em, Tabitha.
♪ Ever planned ♪
♪ Give me courage ♪
♪ So I can land… ♪
TINA: Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Choo-choo!
Don’t they understand it’s the fate of the world?
I’ve been on hold forever!
CHILD: All operators are currently napping.
I’ve been on hold so long I got a tooth growing in.
Back in my day, we wrote memos.
That’s cute and old-timey.
(scoffs)
TED: I weep for the future.
Do you want to talk about your feelings now while I’m on hold?
I can give you 20 minutes.
No.
Let’s get to the nut, the nugget.
What are you afraid of?
Sharks, getting shot in the head with an arrow, and… the IRS.
That’s it.
There you go.
Was that so hard? Baby steps.
Now, what about being lonely?
I’m not lonely.
Mm-hmm.
I’m just… alone.
There’s a difference.
I think it’s time you read your file.
(gasps)
Ah-ah-ah-ah.
Just give me.
Whoa. This is it?
It’s so thin.
YOUNG TIM: Dear Boss Baby, I promise you this:
Every morning when you wake up, I will be there.
Every night at dinner, I will be there.
Every birthday party, every Christmas morning,
I will be there.
Year after year after year.
And you and I will always be brothers.
Always.
Makes me want to make a sad face.
(toy train whistle blows)
We were just kids.
We didn’t know anything about the real world.
And eventually, you have to grow up.
Just because you grow up, it doesn’t mean you have to grow apart.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s already too late.
TIM (grunting): Hey.
Sorry I’m late.
TINA: Daddy!
Daddy, Daddy.
What’s going on?
Uncle Ted really misses you.
Isn’t that nice?
(toy train whistle blows)
So, hey, uh, what you doing?
Oh, I was, uh…
I don’t know, I was just working on this.
(gasps)
Look, I’m sorry about what I said at recess.
What happens on the playground stays on the playground.
I was just worried about Tabitha, you know?
She’s your daughter. I get it.
This whole time, I was thinking about what I wanted and not what she needed.
I think I finally got this parenting thing figured out.
Gold star for you, Daddy.
Keep it up, Pops.
Yeah, well, about that.
Armstrong wants to get rid of parents somehow.
Sorry, what?
He’s planning a baby revolution.
Ugh, come on.
Just when I got good at this whole parenting thing.
We got to stop him.
Not we.
You?
Neither one of us.
BabyCorp is taking it from here.
Ah.
So, what, they’re gonna send in the Baby SEALS or something?
Looks like it.
So you’ll, um… you’ll be headed back to your office.
TED: Uh, yeah. Well, keep in touch, Tim.
Hello? BabyCorp?
Thank goodness, BabyCorp. Well, BabyCo…
(stammering): Wha-What? What are you saying, there’s not enough evidence, BabyCorp? I…
Uh-oh.
So you’re not gonna do anything?
But, BabyCorp, I…
Ugh. Well, then we’ll take care of it.
You know what, BabyCorp?
I quit!
What a bunch of diaper sniffers. (grunts)
(whistle blows, train powers down)
Looks like we have to stop Armstrong ourselves.
We’re going rogue. I like it.
So the mission’s back on?
Yeah.
If you two can put up with each other a little longer.
I suppose I can live with that. Tim?
I think that’s doable.
Yay!
Forced together again.
WIZZIE: It’s 8:45 p.m.
TED: Okay. Our clock is ticking.
We have to stop Armstrong before the formula wears off.
Working as a team, we will strike at the pageant.
Go, Tina.
Now, this top secret document…
Sweetie, it’s the program.
This top secret program reveals that Armstrong is scheduled to address the audience, which he will do right here at the very end.
We need someone backstage. Tim, that’s you.
How am I gonna get backstage if I’m not in the pageant?
TED: My people will take care of that.
(toy squeaks)
Ah!
Thank you.
(chuckles)
Thank you.
No!
Great.
And… go.
(laughing)
Glue.
(screams)
ROBOT VOICE: There, there. All better.
Awesome.
Now, I’ll be your eyes and your ears in the audience.
I can’t let Mommy see me talk, or she’s gonna start squealing and hugging me, but these little doodads will let you understand my baby talk.
It’s called a GAGA device.
Aw, that’s cute.
Check it out.
(speaks gibberish)
(over GAGA): Can you hear me, Daddy?
Also cute.
Meanwhile, with my new purple status, I can stay close to Armstrong.
Um, that’s-that’s an eyebrow.
Oh. Sorry.
Uh, no, that’s, uh…
TED: When the moment is right,
I’ll implant a device.
Got it.
Got what?
I mean, you’ve got this.
Go get ’em, tiger. (chuckles)
Oh, thank you, parents.
(applause)
Thank you. There’s the…
There’s the old enthusiasm I like to see.
TINA: This will allow me to control his suit.
I can make Muttonchops do whatever I want.
(babbling)
TINA: I can make him dance.
I can make him prance.
Hey, no, no, no, no.
Including exposing himself to the audience.
(audience gasps)
(screams)
Every parent will pull out their phone.
Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me!
The photos will spread like a diaper rash.
Cut to our pizza party.
Boom! Bam! Poo! Poof!
Questions?
After Tabitha sings her solo, right?
After Tabitha sings.
Now we just sit back, relax and enjoy the show.
(fanfare playing)
ARMSTRONG: Welcome, parents, to our holiday pageant.
Remember, flash photography in the auditorium is absolutely okay.
Take a picture. Show your kids that you love ’em.
Yippee!
Come on, Tim.
You promised you’d be here.
(man groans)
Oh, sorry. This seat is taken.
Yep. Sorry.
Oh, no. (mutters)
So sorry. I… Sorry.
(man grunts, mutters)
Sorry! I am so sorry.
(speaking gibberish)
(over GAGA): Uncle Teddy, are you in position?
The baby’s in the cradle.
The baby’s in the cradle.
Mmm. (slurping)
(speaking gibberish)
(over GAGA): Papa Bear, can you read me?
The flake has landed.
Places! Places, everybody!
Here we go. Here we go.
Oh, my gosh.
It’s starting. It’s starting.
(sighs) Finally.
It’s starting. It’s starting.
Yay!
You’re a big pageant guy, huh?
No, no, no.
I’m not talking about the show. I’m talking about B-Day.
B-Day?
Oh, yeah. It’s already in the parents’ phones.
(coughs)
I taught babies to code.
TED: Apps. They’re writing apps.
But my next app… ooh, it’s gonna change the world forever.
QT Snap is the app that’s going to change the world forever?
Forever starts today. (chuckles)
Uh, cool. (gasps)
(audience gasping)
♪ ♪
AUDIENCE: Aw.
KIDS: ♪ It’s wintertime ♪
(Tim mumbling)
♪ It’s the best time of year ♪
♪ But due to ice caps melting ♪
♪ Global warming’s here ♪
♪ It feels like summer ♪
♪ The snow has disappeared ♪
♪ It’s all our parents’ fault ♪
♪ So we’re all doomed ♪
TIM: ♪ All, uh… ♪
♪ Doomed. ♪
This is kind of dark.
Did the kids just say we’re doomed?
What the heck are we watching?
(camera clicks)
(yelps)
Their brains are turning to mush.
Months of hypnotic research embedded in the most user-friendly photo app ever made.
Ooh.
Now all we need to do is sit back, relax and enjoy the show.
WOMAN: Hey!
Right.
(chuckles) I’ll be right back. We’re, uh…
WOMAN: Hey!
…out of Dundle Floofers.
(chuckles)
Mmm.
(chuckling)
KIDS: Diwali!
(traditional Hindu music playing)
Las Posadas!
(mariachi music playing)
Agnostic!
(music stops)
And Hanukkah!
(screams)
Your son is so talented.
Oh, so is yours.
Liars.
Tina, come in. B-Day is happening now.
It’s all in the phones.
Armstrong is using an app to brainwash the parents.
(gasps)
(over GAGA): Gasp.
TED: We have to stop the show.
(speaking gibberish)
(over GAGA): Okay, okay. Uh, there’s a… there’s a big old no-touchy switch backstage.
(speaking gibberish)
(over GAGA): Daddy, we have to pull the plug.
Daddy, come in. Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
Ugh. He’s not responding.
(panting): Of course not.
I’ll do it myself.
Stop!
(grunts)
Theater kids only.
Oh, come on, nativity!
Look holier!
(angelic choir vocalizing)
(gasps)
TIM: Hey, Tabitha.
(chuckling): Don’t you worry, okay?
You’re gonna be great.
Thanks, Marcos. And thanks for all your help.
Anytime.
I feel like you really understand me.
I’m so excited.
I can’t wait to see the look on my dad’s face when I sing.
MEGHAN: Hey! You’re on, Templeton!
Wish me luck.
MEGHAN: And break a leg.
Or two, for that matter. (laughs)
KIDS: ♪ We’re in this together ♪
♪ We live in harmony… ♪
TED: Psst.
Tim!
Is that the baby Jesus?
(gasps)
(screams)
(laughing)
♪ ♪
♪ We have to shut down the pageant. ♪
Yeah!
What? No. Why?
Armstrong’s turning the parents into zombies so they’ll do whatever he wants.
What? What are you doing? No!
(grunts)
(chair crashes)
Tabitha’s on next.
TED: You’d risk the future of the world to see your daughter sing?
Yes!
I have to be there for her.
Look who’s worried about showing up for things all of a sudden.
What’s that supposed to mean?
You didn’t even come to my graduation.
Ow! Which one?
Business school, law school. None of them.
You didn’t even come to my wedding.
Which one?
I only had one!
We had a deal, Tim.
You promised you’d be there always.
Whoa. Where did you…
Breach of contract!
(grunts)
(ninja babies whooping)
Whoa.
Whoa!
Whoa!
ARMSTRONG: How do you do there, fellas?
(chuckles) Nothing’s gonna ruin my B-Day.
Not even you.
Oh, busted.
Yeah, it was obvious from the very, very beginning that you two were working together.
What gave us away?
Well, I’d say the bickering, the, uh, petty disputes, the jealousy.
You know, you two are brothers in every single way.
(hums a tune)
Off to the Box they go.
(ninja babies yelling)
What? No. Not the Box. Not now.
Please.
Aw, it’s just… it’s too bad that you’re never gonna have a chance to reboot your relationship and…
No!
…and restore the closeness that you once felt.
Sorry about that.
No.
No, no, no, no. No!
Adios, Marcos.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh… ♪
CAROL: Oh, look, look. There she is.
There’s our little angel.
Oh! Tabby’s in the tree.
Ah! Oh!
♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh… ♪
(ninja babies speaking gibberish, laughing)
(yells)
You had one job to do.
One job.
Oh, no.
The fountain.
It’s flooding the room.
This isn’t a time-out.
It’s game over.
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
(panting)
MEGHAN: Psst.
It’s one, two, three and one, two, three.
(gasps, pants)
(piano playing)
♪ Catch my eye ♪
♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ This bond is tighter than we ever planned ♪
♪ Give me courage ♪
♪ So I can land ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand ♪
♪ Laugh and cry with me ♪
♪ Fly that high with me ♪
♪ See the sunset and the sunrise ♪
(gasping)
♪ The world looks so good through our eyes ♪
Wow.
♪ Like the moon and stars at night ♪
You’re right. I blew it.
I ruined the mission. (sighs)
And I’m a terrible father.
Hey, you did sort of ruin the mission.
But you’re a great dad.
No, I’m not.
I could never do your job.
I mean, you work around the clock, you can’t even quit if you wanted to, and you don’t even get paid.
Frankly, I don’t see how that’s legal.
I was always jealous of you.
I wanted to be successful, too, you know.
Sure, Tim.
I made a lot of money… but you made a family.
The truth is… it’s lonely at the top.
♪ Reach with me ♪
♪ See the sky ♪
♪ I’ll always be here for the rest of your life ♪
♪ Sail that ocean ♪
♪ Find that sand ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand ♪
(kids vocalizing)
You know, I’m… I’m sorry we don’t see each other anymore.
A very wise person once told me, just because you grow up doesn’t mean you have to grow apart.
Was it Tina?
Oh, yeah.
(laughing): Oh, it is crazy how smart she is.
It’s like she looks right into your soul.
I’m sorry that I missed your graduations.
I’m sorry I missed your one wedding.
BOTH: I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ Hand in hand ♪
♪ We speak a language no one else can understand ♪
♪ Hear those cheers ♪
(cameras clicking)
♪ Strike up the band ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand. ♪
(chuckles)
(panting)
(pants, whimpers)
(one person clapping)
(hyperventilating)
(crying)
Oh, Tabitha.
(gasps) Gramps?
Nana? Mom?
Oh, no!
(grunts)
Oh, my gosh, Tabitha.
You did such a great job.
Well, that’s just horribly rude of you all.
Come on, everybody.
Uh, how about a standing ovation?
(laughs) Very good.
(Tina gasps)
They’re zombies!
We did it!
The baby revolution has begun.
(babies cheering, laughing)
No more need for costumes.
(yells, laughs)
Who wants cake?
Oh, my gosh.
ARMSTRONG: Happy B-Day, everybody.
Daddy, Uncle Ted.
Come in. Where are you?
(crying)
♪ ♪
(door opens, closes)
(sniffles)
TINA: Here you go, sis.
Now, I already used this, so I know it’s safe.
Thanks.
Wait. Are you t-talking?
(chuckling): I know. It’s pretty weird, isn’t it?
(screams) Oh, my gosh, you’re talking!
It’s an emergency.
I’m on a supersecret mission from BabyCorp.
(gasps)
You mean Dad’s stories are true?
That’s what the suit says.
How do I look?
No way!
Now, I can’t get ahold of Dad or Uncle Ted, so I need your help, big sis.
Wait, wait. Dad’s here?
They’ve been here the whole time.
Where?
I don’t have much time to explain, but Dr. Armstrong is a baby.
A very bad, bad baby.
Soon, the world is gonna be our playground.
Whee! (grunts)
(“Push It” by Salt-N-Pepa playing)
(laughs)
Now we can make parents do whatever we want.
Awesome! Yeah!
No more rules.
Sayonara, Mama and Papa.
Yeah.
(babies laughing)
Mom?
Dad?
Grandpa?
Whoa. Are you kidding me?
We need to shut it down before it goes global.
ARMSTRONG: Yeah. (laughs)
What are we gonna do?
Okay, we need to find the big whatchamacallit that controls the parents’ phones.
The server.
Yes. Yes.
Is there a big one of those whatsits at school?
Uh, let’s see.
Well, servers get really hot, so you need air ducts.
TINA: Now you’re thinking!
TABITHA: Which intersect at the acorn!
A-plus!
Come on.
This way.
(gasps)
Opportunity knocks.
First, we need to make a quick pit stop.
AUTOMATED VOICE (distorted): Your time has concluded.
(both panting)
It looks like this is it, Tim.
Well, hey, at least we have these last final precious moments together.
Precious. Precious!
(whistling)
♪ ♪
(whinnies)
Oh, right. Precious. Precious!
(continues whistling)
♪ ♪
(Ted continues whistling)
(Tim sputtering)
(whistling and sputtering continue)
(banging on glass)
(both gasping)
(grunts)
(coughing)
(whinnies)
That’s my girl.
Thank you.
(sputters, spits)
(gasps) Tina?
Tina, Tina, come in. It’s Daddy.
Daddy! Listen, we have to shut down the server.
It’s in the acorn.
Whoa.
This is so weird.
I call shotgun.
Quick, to the acorn!
TED: Hyah!
(neighing)
BOTH: Yeehaw!
Hold on to your chaps, pal.
(ninja baby shouts)
Whoa!
(all whooping)
(screams)
Oh, no!
Glue! (laughs)
Yah! Pixie dust! Aha.
Yeah, baby.
Yes.
(whinnies)
(babbling)
(eerie chuckling)
(shouts)
(eerie chuckling)
Wha…?
CREEPY GIRL: Where’d I go?
Whoa!
I like your pajamas.
(screams)
(ninja babies crying)
Where are you going?
Hyah!
(whooping)
Glue.
TED: I’m proud to be a yellow.
I like your pony.
(both scream)
Thank you.
(crying)
ARMSTRONG (over radio): What?
Ah, ah, ah. No, no, no.
(whirring)
Now let’s crack that big nut. (grunts)
Oh, no. It’s about to go worldwide.
How are we gonna get up there?
Really?
ARMSTRONG: Well, you got grit.
I’ll give you that.
Gumption, even. Very admirable.
And yet, uh, annoying.
Quite annoying. Yeah.
I’m gonna have to, you know, uh, stop you.
Glue me, glue me, glue me.
Precious, sic him.
You’re too little and too late.
(clang)
Ah, ba-bad dog.
Pets aren’t allowed in school.
Aah! Precious!
And you, my pudgy protégé.
Go, go, go, go! Move! Move!
I offered you the world.
(both yell)
We could have been partners.
(groaning)
I’ve got something better than a partner.
I have a brother.
Yeah!
(grunts) Let go.
No, you let go.
Wow. Point taken.
What? What’s going on?
(yelling)
Hey, that’s my leisure suit.
It looks better on her.
Hands up, diapers down.
Things are about to get weird.
Yeah, that’s my girls!
(Ted laughs)
That’s really Dad?
Yep.
I said a lot of stuff to that kid.
Well, quite the family reunion.
Uh, the more the merrier.
I say let’s call your parents.
TIM: Oh, no.
(zombielike murmuring)
Uh-oh.
Okay.
Mommy and Daddy, let’s hug ’em– to death.
Oh, don’t worry about us. Get to the server.
Go, Tina, go!
(whoops)
(Armstrong stammering)
(Tina grunts, yells)
Hey!
You got this, Tina.
Get down from there.
TED: Go for his lollies!
Never touch another man’s pony.
(all grunt)
Here. Stick around. Stick around.
Uh, Tim, what do we do now?!
Don’t move. Maybe they won’t see us.
TED: They see us, Tim. They see us.
TIM: Did you move? I didn’t move.
TED: Really, Tim?
(grunting)
Oh. Hey, that’s a little too high now.
Don’t look down. Look straight ahead, okay?
(grunts, whimpers)
(buzzer sounds)
It’s locked.
Can I give you a hand?
Of course, I mean that facetiously, because the hand acts as a… as a key.
No, no. No, no, no.
Hey, hey. No, no, no, no.
Thanks, sis.
(grunts) Stay away from my server.
(yells)
(grunts)
Shut it down, Tabitha.
What are you doing?
What are you doing? No, no, no! No!
Don’t do that.
Oh, no!
(zombielike grunting)
Hugs.
Hug Grandpa.
It’s Night of the Living Boomers.
Dad, stop! (screams)
ADULTS: Hugs.
(yells)
(grunts, gasps)
(groans) Back. Back, you little monsters.
You back off, candy pants.
(yells, grunts)
(screams)
Ha! Got your nose.
(grunting)
Oh, right in the breadbasket!
(both grunting rapidly)
(both babbling)
Ow!
Ha!
Knocked his block off.
Ah, poopy.
Tina, I think I got it. Yes!
Don’t hit that button. Don’t hit that button. Aah!
Ow! Ooh!
And… enter.
ARMSTRONG: No, no! Stop it!
(screams)
Cut it out. (mutters)
Look what you made me do.
(gasps) The fire alarm.
ARMSTRONG: Darn it.
TABITHA: Dad!
Uncle Ted! Pull the fire alarm!
The girls need help.
TED: No kissies!
The girls need us. (grunts)
(alarm ringing)
(grunts) Time’s up, halflings.
(sputters) Great galloping gargoyles!
(Ted screaming)
WIZZIE: What? What?
Tim! Get to the fire alarm!
I’ll hold them back.
TED: Make it rain, baby.
TIM: I’m on it.
What’s the matter?
(voice cracks): You can’t handle the awkward phase?
(whimpering)
Go, Marcos… uh, Dad. Go!
(gasps)
I’m back!
Here we go.
Come on.
How about another round, you tough guy? Come on!
Ow. Stop it.
I still got these. (grunting)
TABITHA: You put my sister down.
B-Day will happen, whether you like it or not.
You shall not pass!
(zombielike murmuring)
Uh, you shall not pass.
No! Stop passing.
(grunts)
(fire alarm ringing)
Yeah, Dad!
Way to go! (whoops)
(alarm stops)
(Tabitha gasps)
TABITHA: That’s it?
That’s right. Why? What? The school’s expensive.
I had to cut costs someplace.
(both grunt)
Oh, no. It’s not working.
Did you pull it right?
How else you gonna pull it?
ARMSTRONG (laughs): You’ll see I’m right.
I’ll show everybody.
The age of parents is over.
(babies cooing, murmuring)
ARMSTRONG: Yay, yay, yay. (sighs)
How about you watch me have a little toast?
To the baby revolution and to me.
(gasps)
It’s time for the candy volcano…
Mmm, mmm.
Oh, that’s good.
TABITHA and TINA: Of doom!
What are you doing? What are you doing?
No, no, no! No!
(yells) Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
Boom shakalaka?
Boom!
Don’t do that!
(crackling, sizzling)
(screaming)
(both grunt)
Whoa!
(screaming)
(grunts)
TINA: Oh, no!
Tabitha!
(Armstrong grunting)
(grunts)
No! Someone help me, please!
Tabitha, hang on!
Ted, I need upsies– now.
(both grunt)
(yelps, grunts)
(Tabitha screaming)
Dad, help me!
Look at you.
You’re smart. You’re strong.
You don’t need parents.
What can they possibly offer you?
How about unconditional love?
(gasps, yells)
That’s what.
No, no, no. No.
Sayonara.
No, no, no. No. (screams)
(grunts)
(Armstrong screams, whimpers)
TIM: Tabitha!
(strained grunting)
(yells)
I’m gonna fall!
Tabitha!
Hang on!
(screams)
I got you. I got you.
(both sigh)
I got you, Tabitha.
(panting)
I got you.
That’s my big brother.
Thanks, Marcos Lightspeed.
Mwah.
I thought we both had to grow up.
Well, let’s not grow up too fast.
(sighs)
I love you, Dad.
I love you, Tabitha Templeton.
Aw. You see that?
And you wanted to take it all away.
Where you going?
Home.
You know, Doc, childhood doesn’t last forever, but family sure does.
Uncle Ted! Heads up!
(screams, grunts)
Woo-hoo!
We win! Get ready to order some pizzas.
(Ted chuckling)
♪ ♪
(babies gasping)
(cheering)
Woo-hoo!
(squeals)
Cool! (laughs)
(gasps)
(murmuring)
(Wizzie laughing)
Huzzah! (laughs)
Huzzah!
(sighs, grunts)
(applause)
(cheering)
Oh, sweet.
He who findeth keepeth.
(clears throat)
(kids cheering)
Mommy, Daddy, I missed you so much.
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yay!
Junior!
Glue!
(Jimbo yelps)
So soft.
Where are we going?
Not bad, Templetons.
Woo-hoo! Yay, Templetons.
Yeah, mission accomplished.
And as a bonus, we stopped Armstrong, too.
Huh?
What?
My real mission was getting you two back together.
A-plus! See me after class.
(Tabitha chuckles)
Wait, so you never actually quit?
Nope.
Huh.
Well played.
I don’t like to mix the two, but I will say it was never business.
It was always personal.
You know what, kid?
You’re the best boss I ever had.
Thank you, chief.
(Tabitha chuckles)
CAROL: Tim! You actually made it.
Yeah.
I mean, I knew you’d make it.
Teddy.
Teddy, you’re here.
And look what you’re wearing.
Uh…
Sweetheart, I cried.
Then I went blank.
Oh, come on. Every-Everyone get together.
This… We got to get this. Here we go.
Dad, no!
No!
What?
(camera clicks)
(guitar playing)
TABITHA: ♪ We know that ♪
♪ Divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
(camera clicks)
♪ So together we stand. ♪
Yay, Tabitha!
That was beautiful!
The crowd goes wild!
(Tina laughing)
(chuckles) Thank you. Thank you.
(whinnies)
Aah!
Aw, hey, Precious.
(chuckles) You’re amazing.
Oh, I wish Teddy could have been here.
Yeah, I know. Me, too.
(doorbell rings)
(gasps)
Hmm.
(squealing)
Hey, I was just…
TED: Merry Christmas, Tim.
I’m sorry I couldn’t be there with you, but please enjoy this inappropriately lavish gift instead.
You’ve given me the greatest gift of all.
You.
(chuckles)
Love, the best brother in the world.
P.S. Duck.
(shouts)
(groaning, spitting)
In your face, Leslie!
(chuckling): Hey. Oh, it is on, Lindsey!
No. No, no, no, no. Don’t, don’t, don’t.
Come here!
I’m younger than you.
You’re a bigger target.
(laughs) I got you so good!
(Ted grunts)
(laughing)
TED: No, you didn’t.
Aah! You missed me!
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Ambush.
Exactly.
TIM: Ow!
TED: Sneak attack!
Oh, isn’t it great to see them fighting again?
(sighs) Finally.
(toy phone ringing)
Shouldn’t you pick up?
Nah, we got some family business.
Woo-hoo! Yeah!
(Carol gasps)
(ringing continues)
CHILD (on phone): Tina, we have another assignment for you.
(gasps, whispers): I’m listening.
JANICE: Grandma’s coming in hot!
You want some of Grandpa?
Everyone, get Tagalong Teddy!
TIM: It’s true.
Gotcha!
You can’t stop time.
But every once in a while, you get a second chance.
TABITHA: I’m gonna get you!
(Precious neighs)
TIM: So, even though you’re only a kid once… well, unless you get to be a kid twice, which is really weird, to be honest, but the point is you have to grow up sometime.
(Wizzie laughing)
(camera clicks)
And you should always be nice to your brother.
TINA: Ah, that was really sweet, Daddy.
That’ll be great for my report.
TIM: Okay, so… so that’s it, then.
TINA: Well, actually, there’s one more little thing.
♪ ♪
(door opens)
Mama? Papa?
DAD: Wha…
(gasps) Oh, my son.
(mom gasping)
(dad sobbing)
(mom laughing)
MOM: You came home.
TIM: Oh, yeah. Right.
TINA: Okay, Pops. Now.
TIM: The end.
(“Together We Stand” playing)
(children’s chorus vocalizing)
♪ ♪
TABITHA: ♪ Catch my eye ♪
♪ Take my hand ♪
♪ This bond is tighter than we ever planned ♪
♪ Give me courage ♪
♪ So I can land ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand ♪
♪ Climb with me ♪
♪ Share my dreams ♪
♪ Tomorrow’s brighter ♪
♪ Than it’s ever been ♪
♪ Fear no danger ♪
♪ Make big plans ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand ♪
♪ Laugh and cry with me ♪
♪ Fly that high with me ♪
♪ See the sunset and the sunrise ♪
♪ The world looks so good through our eyes ♪
♪ Like the moon ♪
♪ And stars at night ♪
♪ Rest your head ♪
♪ Tell me your thoughts ♪
♪ Everything I have and call mine ♪
♪ Is all yours ♪
♪ Sail that ocean ♪
♪ Find that sand ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand ♪
(children’s chorus vocalizing)
♪ Reach with me ♪
♪ See the sky ♪
♪ I’ll always be here for the rest of your life ♪
♪ Side by side ♪
♪ Hand in hand ♪
♪ We speak a language no one else can understand ♪
♪ Hear those cheers ♪
♪ Strike up the band ♪
♪ We know that divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand ♪
♪ We know that ♪
♪ Divided we’ll fall ♪
♪ So together we stand. ♪
(song ends)
♪ ♪
(chorus vocalizing)
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
(music fades)
Category:Transcripts
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Category:The Boss Baby (franchise)
Category:The Boss Baby (franchise) Transcripts
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