Episode 107: Fitness/transcript

==Cold open / Jim's Introduction==
 	Open on Muppet Central. Kermit enters jogging.
Kermit	Okay everybody, up and at em'! Today's show's all about health and fitness.
Vicki 	Mr. Kermit. I just found this book. It will be perfect research for tonight's show.
Kermit	Great! What is it?
Vicki 	It's called "The Encyclopedia of Silly Diseases."
Kermit	Uh, Vicki, I don't really want to concentrate on illness tonight. Because this is a celebration of health and figure!
Vicki 	Oh! No problem.
 	Vicki throws the book away, and it hits Link Hogthrob on the head.
Kermit	I want to see everybody on their feet, in the pink, and full of beans! (Sees Link faint) Or not. Somebody roll the opening titles!
 	The opening titles roll. Jim enters home base.
Jim 	Hi, there, and welcome to tonight's show. (Looks down at the lion) Say, didn't you get the message? You're supposed to be wearing a pith helmet. He's like that about wardrobe. When we go to a nice restaurant, he refuses to put on a tie. We're dressing tropical because later we're showing a timely tale of the jungle called The Song of the Cloud Forest.
 	A clip is shown as a teaser.
Jim 	But first, "MuppeTelevision" with Kermit the Frog in charge. Kermit, what have you got for us?
Kermit	Well our very special guest star is Smokey Robinson.
Jim 	Sounds terrific! And what's the theme of the show?
Kermit	Ah, well, the theme is "health in all its aspects."
Digit 	(Enters) Like, for instance, sickness. (Sneezes)
Kermit	Digit, good grief, you've got a cold?
Digit 	(Blows nose with circuits) It's a bad one, too. I just blew my nose, a fuse and three circuit breakers.
 	Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 1==
===Opening number===
Link 	But Clifford, you don't understand. You see, I passed out, I don't know where I got this book, and I've got this big lump on my head.
Clifford	Oh, no excuses, Link. Kermit wants everybody out for a jog around the parking lot. C'mon, let's go.
Link 	It looks like some kind of a medical dictionary. See what it says about lumps on the head.
Vicki 	(Jogging) Hi Mr. Link.
Link 	Oh! I've got all the symptoms! Lumps on the head, bouts of unconsciousness, and amnesia. (Grabs Vicki who yelps) Vicki! I've got "Canadian Snout Fever!"
 	(Melodramatic chords play)
Vicki 	Excuse me, but I've got to find Smokey Robinson.
Link 	"In extreme cases, the victim hears strange noises and voices."
 	Smokey appears on a monitor and taps the screen.
Smokey 	Hey, where is everybody?
Link 	(Screams)
Smokey 	Hey, Link...
Link 	Oh, no! They know my name!
 	Link runs away in fear as Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay everybody, follow me into the control room! Nothing like a jog around the parking lot to put mind and body in perfect harmony. Now we're ready for the opening number. Where is everybody? (Most of the band enters exhausted) Hey guys! You should be in the recording studio.
Smokey 	Hey Kermit, is this the band I'm gonna use for my opening song?
Kermit 	Uh, uh yeah. We're just trying to get in shape.
Smokey 	You're in shape now. "Bad" shape.
Beard 	Yeah, got that right.
Clifford	Sorry I'm late, Kerm. I went around twice.
Kermit 	Oh, way to go, Clifford. And now, ladies and gentlemen, if you're ready back there, Here's Smokey Robinson and Solid Foam!
 	Smokey Robinson and the band perform "Just to See Her" accompanied by backup singers. Dr. Teeth and Vicki sit and watch from the recording booth.
===Bean Bunny Work-Out===
 	Back to Kermit in the studio.
Kermit 	Ah, good stuff, Smokey. Way to go! (Runs into Gonzo) Uh, Gonzo?
Gonzo 	Oh, it's all right, Kermit. I was just cleaning my nose, and it went off. (Laughs then exits)
Digit 	(Continues sneezing and blowing circuits)
Kermit 	Digit, h-how's your cold?
Digit 	What? I've got a cold. I can't hear you.
Kermit 	I said, how do you feel?!
Digit 	Oh, how do I feel? Well, usually I just sort of stretch my arms out, and kind of do um, squinchy things with my fingers. And then sometimes I do kind of, oh, patty stuff. And then, I uh... Oh, Kermit, I am sorry. I was doing squinchy things on your eyeballs.
Kermit 	Well, that's okay. It was relaxing in a nerve-racking sort of way.
Digit 	Why, thank you.
Kermit 	Now Digit, can we see the exercise show?
Digit 	Certainly. Oh...! How do I feel?
Kermit 	Just push the button.
Digit 	Yes, sir.
 	Digit presses the button, bringing up the exercise show with Bean Bunny and two exercisers.
Bean Bunny	(Streches) Oh, welcome to "Beanacise", the only exercise program on Earth designed to make you cute. Now, follow me, everybody. Two, three, four... Jump and prance and prance and jump! Don't just sit there like a lump! And hop, hop, hoppity-hop! Hop, hop, hoppity-hop!
 	Cuts to Statler and Waldorf in a room watching the show.
Waldorf 	Hippity-hop, hippity-hop, hippity-hop, hippity-hop...
Statler 	Are you crazy?! Keep that up and you'll have a heart attack before the show's over!
Waldorf 	I certainly hope so.
 	They laugh and continue hopping. Cuts back to "Beanacise."
Bean Bunny	It's the bunny hug! Now, let's try a nice a few big warm fuzzy... (Gets squished in the hug) No, that's not what I meant...
 	After another hug, Bean laughs then faints. The exercisers do the same. Back in the room with Statler and Waldorf.
Waldorf 	That was great!
Statler 	The show?
Waldorf 	No, I just swallowed my teeth. (They laugh)
===Merlin===
 	Back at the studio, Link approaches Vicki in a wheelchair.
Vicki 	Mr. Link! What are you doing in that wheelchair?
Link 	It's one of the symptoms of "Canadian Snout Fever", the legs go.
Vicki 	(Gaps) How dreadful! Your legs are gone?
Link 	No, but I don't want to be standing up when they do. I have some pride you know.
Vicki 	Wait a minute, that's one of those silly diseases. (Exits)
Link 	It may be silly to you. You're not dying from it.
Bean Bunny 	(Enters) Gosh, Mr. Hogthrob, you're looking a bit glum.
Link 	Go away, leave me alone. Says here I've only hours to live.
Bean Bunny 	Oh, but those hours can be hours of fun. And I have just the thing for you. Say hello to Mr. Balloon. What's that, Mr. Balloon? You want to know what's wrong with our friend? Let's ask him. Mr. Balloon wants to know...
Link 	I know what Mr. Balloon wants to know! Tell him it's only a matter of hours before my snout explodes.
 	The balloon explodes scaring them.
Bean Bunny 	Aw, too bad.
Link 	My snout!
Bean Bunny 	Well, looks like your new friend had to go away. That happens sometimes. It's called death!
 	Melodramatic chords happen again scaring Link.
Bean Bunny 	Toodles!
Link 	I need a doctor.
 	Cuts to next sketch. In a medieval room - Merlin (Rowlf) holds a cane as his rat helpers stand around a big book.
Rowlf 	And whom is it doth seek the wizard's help this day? (bangs the book)
Princess (FB) 	A guy with a sword through his head. Ta-da!
 	The sword-headed knight enters.
Rowlf 	Will you sit down and be quiet? I've heard of loud suits, but this is ridiculous. Now what seems to be the problem?
Patient (JN) 	I'm having trouble sleeping.
Rowlf 	I see. Are you a knight?
Patient (JN) 	Yes.
Rowlf 	Are you a good knight?
Patient (JN) 	Yes.
Rowlf 	Then what you need is a "good knight's sleep!"
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daa! (rimshot)
Rowlf 	Anything else?
Patient (JN) 	Yeah, I got this splitting headache.
Rowlf 	I see. Is it a sharp pain?
Patient (JN) 	Yes.
Rowlf 	A sharp stabbing pain?
Patient (JN) 	Yes.
Rowlf 	Does it feel like you got a sword through your head?
Patient (JN) 	Yes, what is it?
Rowlf 	I haven't the faintest idea.
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daa!
Rowlf 	Sounds like stress. What do you do for a living?
Patient (JN) 	I joust dragons and I rescue damsels in distress.
Rowlf 	Dat's not a dress! Dat's a suit of armor!
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daa! (rimshot)
Rowlf 	Will you get out of here!
Princess (FB) 	Hmmph!
Patient (JN) 	The dragons aren't the problem; it's those giant things in the forest I'm worried about.
Rowlf 	Those crazy things?
Patient (JN) 	Yes, what can I do about them?
Rowlf 	I suggest you take Cole Porter's advice.
Patient (JN) 	You mean...?
Rowlf 	Yes. ♪ Joust" one of those things. ♪
Patient (JN) 	Joust one of those crazy things?
Princess (FB) 	Ta-ta-ta-da!
 	Merlin pushes a rat out of the way as he looks in the book.
Rowlf 	Ah-ha! Says here that there's a traditional remedy for your problem.
Patient (JN) 	Oh, good. What is it?
 	Merlin puts leeches in the patient's helmet.
Rowlf 	Leeches. (Patient screams) Or was it talcum powder? Oh, he who can pull the sword free will be the king. Will be the king?
 	Merlin pulls the sword out of the patient's helmet and in a puff a smoke turns into the king. "Elvis Presley" that is who sings "Hound Dog."
Princess (FB) 	Ta-daaaa!
 	Back at the studio.
Kermit 	That was a show for the '80s?
Luncheon Counter Monster (JN)	Sure, the 1380s.
 	The monster is about to sneeze, but let's out a soft one
Digit 	Kermit, Kermit, I just came to warn you! You should rope yourself to a heavy piece of equipment.
Kermit 	Rope myself to... Why?
Digit 	Because some of the monsters have caught this cold of mine.
Kermit 	The monsters? Which monsters?
Digit 	Mainly the bigger ones.
 	The monster lets out a huge, explosive sneeze, blasting everything away.
Luncheon Counter Monster (JN)	Sorry.
 	Blackout.
==MuppeTelevision Act 2==
===Muppet Labs===
 	Open on Kermit with a clipboard.
Kermit 	Hmm. Well, you know, apart from the fact that everybody seems to be getting sick. I think our health and fitness show is going extremely well.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	(On a monitor) Yoo-hoo, Mr. Kermit?
Kermit 	Why it's Dr. Bunsen Honeydew of "Muppet Labs."
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	Yes.
Kermit 	What can I do for you Dr.?
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	Well, is it true you're doing a show about health and fitness?
Kermit 	Yes.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	What a perfect time for me to demonstrate my new invention.
Kermit 	Okay, let's see it.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	Thank you. (In the lab) Exercise is often far from the thoughts of today's busy executive. Such as the one portrayed by my lovely assistant, Beaker.
Beaker 	(Meeps while demonstrating of an executive)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	But neglecting one's exercise is a thing of the past with Muppet Labs' new exercise-omatic boots.
Beaker 	Fax!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	Just set the timer and a gentle chime alerts you that your pre-programmed workout is about to begin.
 	(Timer ticks and then a loud alarm goes off scaring Beaker.)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	First, the boots warm you up with a series of gentle stretches. To the left... And to the right... Both together... And wide apart.
Beaker 	(Meeps while all the action of the boots is being done.)
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	(Snickers) Then it's time for jogging.
Beaker 	Oh!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	Recognizing the spatial limitations of the corporate workspace, the boots are designed to use every open surface. As you are about to see. But exercise must never supersede executive responsibilities. Therefore, the boots stop automatically at the sound of a ringing telephone.
 	As Bunsen talks, the boots take Beaker jogging around the room, ending up on the ceiling. Suddenly the telephone rings.
Beaker 	Oh, no!
 	The ringing telephone causes Beaker to fall off the ceiling.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew 	Muppet Labs, "technology for a healthier you."
Automated Bunsen Voice	Beaker can't come to the phone right now. But leave a message at the sound of the meep.
Beaker 	Meep!
 	Back at the studio, Link is still reading the book.
Link 	No!
Leon 	Hiya, Linky babe. How goes the Canadian Snout Fever?
Link 	The end is near.
Leon 	Oh, that's a shame.
Link 	Yes, I've been studying the book. Just before the end, the legs go, your snout explodes, and then, you begin mispronouncing words. Doom, doom, doom!
Leon 	That's dumb, dumb, dumb! (Exits)
Link 	Oh, no! I'm mispronouncing words! Help, mommy!
===The Swedish Chef===
Kermit 	(While doing pull-ups) And now... our fitness special continues with a look at nutrition. Cue the health food, show!
 	Cuts to the Swedish Chef in the kitchen. The chef sings his theme song while playing with forks with food on them. He throws them behind him, causing some dishes to fall. He gives a mock-Swedish speil about making a cake then tasting the frosting. Jacques Roach appears behind him and is disgusted.
Jacques Roach	Yuck! (Spits) Oh, look at this cake, my friends! It is a dietary nightmare!
Swedish Chef 	(Argues in mock-Swedish)
Jacques Roach	No, no, no, no! Diet today is all about survival. And ze cockroach is the greatest survivor on the planet! I am indestructible!
 	The chef hits Jacques with a rolling pin with no luck.
Jacques Roach	Absolutely indestructible! And why?
 	The chef hits himself with the pin and faints.
Jacques Roach	Because we eat to win. You eat the cheese; we eat the mold. You drink coffee; we eat the coffee grounds.
 	The chef tries hitting Jacques with a frying pan but ends up getting shaken.
Jacques Roach	The way of the roach is the way of the future. Now, let me give you a little quiz, okay? Okay! You get the nibblies and you reach for; A: the peanuts, B: the chocolate...
 	The chef drops a refrigerator on Jacques, but he isn't harmed.
Jacques Roach	Or c: the refrigerator.
 	Throws the fridge onto the chef.
Jacques Roach	By choosing "C", you have opted for survival. Question number two: you are on a low-cal diet, but you are invited to eat at a nice French restaurant. How do you avoid breaking your dietary rules?
 	The chef moves some dynamite in front of Jacques, which explodes. The chef enters and finishes his speil on decorating a cake. Suddenly, Jacques Roach falls on top of him smushing his face into the cake.
Jacques Roach	And ze correct answer is, stay at home and eat linoleum. Bon appetit!
===Storytime===
 	Back at the studio with Kermit reacting to the previous segment.
Kermit 	Good grief, what a mess.
Clifford 	What's the matter, Kerm?
Kermit 	Uh, well, it's just that I'm trying to do this health and fitness show, and everybody keeps getting sick or injured.
Clifford 	Yeah, it's too bad people don't take a more holistic approach to health.
Kermit 	How do you mean?
Clifford 	Well, there are many ways you can protect yourself against, uh negative influences. See this crystal right here? It focuses my life force and channels positive attitudes.
Kermit 	Oh. I could use one of those.
Clifford 	Oh. Bring your head around here.
Kermit 	Really?
Clifford 	Right under here. There you go.
Kermit 	Okay.
Clifford 	Wear it in good health.
Kermit 	Wow! Thank you, Clifford.
 	Kermit falls to the floor under the weight of the crystal.
Clifford 	Sure, resting is good, too. (Laughs then exits)
Kermit 	(Gets up) I may have fractured a flipper. Cue the story. (Falls again)
 	The story segment begins. A narrator (Chris Langham) tells the story.
Narrator 	Way back to when the roads were still all wiggly and people lived closer to the land. A farmer was about to start work when suddenly, he heard an unfamiliar voice.
Cabbage (DG) 	Hey, Mr. Farmer, over here.
Farmer 	What was that?
Cabbage (DG) 	It was me, old cabbage head. You know, it gets pretty cold out here in this field. I was wondering, could you take me home?
Farmer 	A talking cabbage!
 	Scene changes from a field to a house interior with the farmer's wife.
Farmer 	I'm home!
Cabbage (DG) 	Me, too!
Farmer's Wife	Glory be! What's that?
Farmer 	It's a talking cabbage. Surely, he greatest miracle the world has ever seen.
Farmer's Wife	Well don't stand there, sit the little fellar down.
Farmer 	I'll put him here, by the fire.
Cabbage (DG) 	Thanks! You won't regret this!
 	Scene changes to a village where the farmer walks his cow.
Narrator 	The next day, the farmer carefully counted his blessings.
Farmer 	One: um, a talking cabbage.
Cow (JN) 	Two: a really fine piece of real estate.
Farmer 	What was that?
Cow (JN) 	Well, let's face it, the subdevelopment potential of this property is fantastic.
Farmer 	A talking cow!
Cow (JN) 	One thing rather puzzles me though; how come the cabbage gets to live inside, hm?
 	Scene changes to house interior.
Cow (JN) 	Nice place you got here.
Cabbage (DG) 	We like it.
Farmer's Wife	You really like this talking animal stuff don't you.
Farmer 	Oh yes, I think of it as a kind of a blessing.
Farmer's Wife	Good, then this should make your day. In here, boys.
 	More talking things enter.
Sheep (JN) 	Hey, how's it going?
Penguin (KC) 	How about those cold snaps?
Goat (BS) 	How about those rams?
 	A few days later, the house is full of talking animals and food.
Narrator 	And so, during the next few days, it seemed that the whole world and everything in it has started talking to the farmer. And it seemed to his wife that the farmer had asked the whole world and everything in it into their little cottage. Until at last, things had come to a head!
Farmer's Wife	This is a very bad arrangement. God made houses, and God made barns, so that human beings wouldn't have to live with animals.
Farmer 	Ah!
Narrator 	And so, the farmer and his wife did the sensible thing, and moved into the barn. Where they lived reasonably happy ever after.
Farmer 	Our lives were blessed with a miracle. Let's not become ungrateful.
Skirt (DG) 	Hi, I'm your skirt.
Towel (GR) 	Hi, I'm your towel.
Apron (TL) 	Hi, I'm your apron.
Glove (BS) 	Hi, I'm your glove.
Hat (JN) 	I'm your hat.
Blanket (RM) 	I'm your blanket!
 	The couple take everything off and run out of the barn into the rain.
===Closing number===
 	Back at the studio.
Kermit 	Good story. Oh, Gonzo, how's your nose?
Gonzo 	It's not my nose I'm worried about. It's the chickens. You know what happens when a chicken catches a cold?
Kermit 	No, what?
 	Chicken sneezes and goes flying.
Gonzo 	Well, they don't weigh very much...
 	Chickens continue sneezing and flying everywhere as Smokey appears on a monitor.
Gonzo 	But they have very powerful sneezes.
Smokey 	Hey, Kermit!
Kermit 	Uh yeah, Smokey?
Smokey 	Is it my imagination or is everybody on this show sick?
Kermit 	Well, we think it's just sort of a 24-hour flu.
Smokey 	Hey man, well, I can't wait that long. I got a closing number to do.
Kermit 	Well, do you mind working with jet-propelled chickens?
Smokey 	That's my favorite way to work!
Kermit 	Wow! Cue the finale!
Smokey 	Uh, wait a minute, there's just one thing.
Kermit 	Uh, what's that?
Smokey 	I'm a big Link Hogthrob fan. And we could really use his brain and brawn and charisma in this closing number.
Link 	Closing number?
Kermit 	I'm sorry, but Link is really sick. Aren't you, Link?
Link 	Uh, uh, it's a miracle! (Gets up and throws the book away)
Smokey 	Hey, I work with miracles!
Kermit 	Okay, well take it away, Smokey.
 	In the style of a workout video, Smokey Robinson and the cast perform "(Jump) For My Love." During the song break, Statler and Waldorf are shown watching the video in their room.
Waldorf	Oh, this kind of high-energy music brings it all back.
Statler	Your youth?
Waldorf	No, my lunch.
 	They laugh, then cuts back to the song. As the song continues on, Kermit watches from the studio.
Kermit 	Well, that's our show for tonight, so good...(Sneezes)...Good grief!
 	Back to Statler and Waldorf.
Statler	Well, that's finished!
Waldorf	So am I.
 	Statler laughs. Blackout
==Cloud Forest Intro==
 	Open on Jim in front of a picture of Milton
Jim	I'm really excited about tonight's story. It's visually stunning and has a lovely script by David Young. It's called The Song of the Cloud Forest.
==Closing==
 	Open on Jim petting the lion
Jim	In the story you've just seen, the real reason Milton is endangered is that our rain forests are disappearing. Did you know that? It matters to guys like this. It matters to guys like us, too. Hmm? Hey, you're wearing a tie! That's terrific! Means we can go to a nice restaurant for a change. We'll see you next week.
 	The credits roll
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Jim Henson Hour Transcripts