Blood 12

Chapter 12
Brogan, Galtero and Lunetta head to the Mindrapists' Palace, with Lunetta scratching her arms furiously (it's been established that magic makes her itch). She attracts stares, which Brogan attributes to her wearing her “pretties” instead of a more normal dress. There's a brief description of the other dignitaries in attendance; they are all wearing elaborate, fancy clothes and jewelry, and are excited to meet the new Lord Rahl. They are all therefore useless. I'm not sure whether this is meant to be Brogan's opinion or not.
The path to the doors of the Mindrapists' Palace is lined with dead Misters on spikes, which seems more like something an Evil Overlord would be doing than a purported hero. The corpses smell terrible, as corpses tend to do, and the Useless Nobles are fainting and gagging all over the place. Brogan, of course, is unaffected by the stench.
The Useless Nobles learn that Richard killed the Misters, and this makes them happy. Brogan finds it highly suspect that Richard arrived in town at the exact right moment to kill the magical invisible lizardmen serial killers, which I have to admit is a valid concern.
The interior of Casa Mindrapist is described, and it's awesome and gorgeous and so forth. \~/ Brogan is unimpressed, and considers the whole place a monument to evil. Have I mentioned how easy it is to sympathize with this guy? Sadly, there is no specific mention of the Giant Awesome Staircase of Awesomeness from the last book.
Brogan has some pointless conversation with a Random Useless Noblewoman named Duchess Lumholz (I mention her name only because she will be a plot point later), which establishes only that she is useless, and that she and her husband are high in the Keltish government. Brogan metaphorically flips them off and then ignores them.
A bunch of D'Haran pikemen show up and form a corridor through the crowd, presumably for Richard to walk down – wait; pikemen? That's almost as stupid as the Spiked Golden Armbands of Doom. A pike is traditionally at least ten feet long, and its primary purpose was to defend against cavalry, or sometimes charging infantry. A crowd-control weapon it is not. To be of any value at all in this situation, the pikemen would have to keep at least twelve or fifteen feet of clear space between themselves and the crowd, and if anyone gets past that, your precious pike is useless. \~/
The guards are specifically noted as “wedging [the crowd] aside to clear a path.” Do you know what's more useful than a pike in that situation? Almost anything!
I'm giving this more thought that Goodkind did, aren't I? Oh well; at least it's not like Terry Brooks's stories where every other warrior in the world uses a pike, including people in cramped underground tunnel, and one guy who literally has a pike for a hand. Seriously, the man has a pike fetish. I'm surprised it wasn't called The Pike of Shannara.
Anyway, getting back to this Terry . . . we learn that Brogan “had no tolerance for diplomacy; blood worked better, and left a more lasting impression. He was getting the impression that Lord Rahl understood this, too, unlike the sea of obsequious faces crowding the floor.”
I shall respond to that with a quotation by the great Robert A. Heinlein:
“Politics is just a name for the way we get things done . . . without fighting. We dicker and compromise and everybody thinks he has received a raw deal, but somehow after a tedious amount of talk we come up with some jury-rigged way to do it without getting anybody's head bashed in. That's politics. The only other way to do it is by bashing a few heads in . . . and that is what happens when one or both sides is no longer willing to dicker. That's why I say politics is good even when it is bad . . . because the only alternative is force – and somebody gets hurt.”I think that sums it up nicely.
Brogan speculates that Richard is going to demand a high rank in the Imperial Order, on the basis of the D'Harans having born the brunt of the fighting on the Order's behalf. The Aryan Boys come marching down the corridor of pikemen to a central dais, followed by the Dominatrices and Gratch. Cara announces Lord Rahl, and Richard appears out of thin air in the middle of the dais. This display of magic completely freaks out the Useless Nobles: “Those near the front fell back in alarm. A scattering of people cried out in terror. Some called for the Creator's protection, others beseeched the spirits to intercede on their behalf, and some fell to their knees. While many stood in mute shock, a few of the decorative swords were drawn for the first time in fear.”
Are these people aware that they are in a fantasy setting, with wizards and dragons and magic and shit? They are currently standing inside the palace inhabited until recently by the Mindrapists and their wizard thugs. And they are there for the specific purpose of meeting Lord Rahl, a freaking wizard of a line of wizards.
The stupid. It burns. \~/\~/
Richard starts a-speechifying, \~/ and we finally – two books and 121 pages into this series – get a rough description of our protagonist: He's big, tall, ”ruggedly handsome,” and wearing high boots, dark trousers, a plain shirt, and of course his cloak of invisibility. So there you go.
Richard also has an “inexplicable air of authority about him, and a bearing that commanded attention.” I'll say it's inexplicable. Remember, Richard is a woods guide. What experience – what real experience – does he have at command? Oh, that's right: NONE. \~/
The Useless Noblewomen are already beginning to “flash him private smiles as they batted their lashes.” Because Richard is fucking gorgeous, and all nobles everywhere are useless parasites, women especially, and Terry Goodkind has sex on the brain. Also, stupid stupidity is stupid. The time to ingratiate yourself (sexually) with the new tyrant is not while he's giving his speech. That comes afterward. \~/\~/\~/
Brogan decides that Richard is dangerous (tyrants usually are), and Galtero recognizes him from that scene of inexcusable stupidity at the end of chapter 7. Richard randomly compliments Lunetta's dress, then continues speechifying. In brief (you're welcome), he says that the Order is trying to take over by claiming that magic is evil, but that this is merely an excuse for a power grab.
Duchess Lumholz points out that the Inquisition says magic comes from Satan. Richard responds that “A child, come anew into the world, is magic.”
Um . . . no. I agree that childbirth – the creation of a new life – is a wondrous thing, but that's not what we're discussing here. It may be “magic” in terms of the Real World, but this is Dickland, where “magic” refers to a supernatural force that can be mastered by mortals to defy the laws of physics. Just because the same term is used (improperly), that does not mean that they are the same bloody thing. That's like arguing that you can add hair to a recipe instead of sugar because someone called your hairstyle “sweet.” \~/
I shouldn't even have to point this crap out. And the worst part is that I'm positive Terry Goodkind thought he was being Clever and Subtle and Deep by using this argument. No, Terry; you're not. You come across as someone who can't be arsed to come up with a plausible argument because you have no respect for your readers. \~/
Richard then says that to ascribe the power of creation to Satan is blasphemy. Duke Lumholz steps forwards and says that, regardless of that, the Order is on the side of the angels and wants to unite the lands for everyone's benefit. Richard rambles for a page about how terrible the order is, refreshing our memories on the Ebinissia massacre, in case we'd forgotten. He specifically states that “With that act, the Imperial Order put the lie to anything they say! [. . .] Men with the blood of babes on their swords have no ethics [. . . ]the Imperial Order is beyond defense [. . .] [the Order] forfeited their humanity and their right to be heard, much less believed.”
Someone points out, quite correctly, that up until recently D'Hara was just as horrible as the Order and committed many similar atrocities. Richard says that that was because D'Hara was ruled by Darken Rahl, who was evil and horrible and not nice. Richard killed him, and stands against everything Rahl stood for, which makes it totally different.
Apparently the Order's atrocities are grounds for absolute slaughter without possibility of mercy, but the D'Haran atrocities can be wiped away and forgotten instantly upon a change in leadership.
Double standards, Richard haz them. \~/\~/
Brogen seethes about how evil Richard obviously is (have I mentioned that I like this guy?), and how he's obviously a Satanist, based on the reasoning that . . . only a Satanist would claim to not be a Satanist? The logic gets a little thin here, so we rush on to Brogan remembering how he's tortured people and torched whole villages, lest we forget that he's the Designated Villain and we're supposed to hate him. He's evil! Hate him, dammit! Are you hating him yet? Hate him more!
Richard continues rambling about how virtuous he is, and how he shouldn't be condemned for his father's crimes until he's had a chance to show his quality. Which is great, but what about all the D'Haran soldiers and officers who committed atrocities under Darken Rahl? Why do they get a free pass?
Richard then rhapsodizes about the Mother Mindrapists past and how they “ruled the Midlands with a benevolent hand.” The council had her executed, and Richard in turn murdered them all, on his authority of Shut Up, You. Someone in the crowd argues that they will rebuild the Midlands, and Richard says it's too late: “There is no Midlands. I dissolve it, here and now.”
Several people try to point out that Richard has absolutely no authority to do such a thing – again, perfectly correct, even accepting his status as the ruler of D'Hara – and Richard, the paragon of reason and intelligent debate, tells them to shut up. “I am here to dictate the terms of your surrender.”
The Useless Nobles, understandably, do not take this well. After a brief scuffle that's not worth describing, General Rei shows up and basically tells everyone that D'Hara holds the city and that's that. Richard then speechifies for three solid pages \~/, which speech I shall sum up in bullet point form:
*Everyone has to surrender to either the Order or D'hara.
*Anyone who surrenders to D'Hara will “be allowed to maintain your own lands and cultures” and ”will have a say in [D'Hara's] laws.” How uselessly vague.
*Anyone who does not join D'Hara now, but later changes their mind, will have to pay double taxes for ten years.
*Anyone who refuses to join either side will be isolated until they can be conquered, at which time they will have to pay triple taxes for thirty years.
*Anyone who joins the Order will be slaughtered without mercy.
Richard again insists that “the Midlands is fragmented, and cannot be made whole again, or I would instead join with you.” I'm not sure what he's basing this theory on; must be all that geopolitical theory all woods guides develop over time. I'm pretty sure D&D Rangers get +4 to all Socio-Political skill checks at 5th level.
Richard declares that he is going to marry Kahlan Amnell, the Queen of Galea, and “Galea and D'Hara will be the first to join in the new union, through Galea's surrender to D'Hara.” Wow, Unfortunate Implications much? \~/ Although I guess it shouldn't surprise me, coming from a Randian.
“My marriage to her will show all that it will be a union made of mutual respect, demonstrating that it can be done without blood conquest [sic] or the lust for power, and instead for strength and hope of a new and better life.”
Yes, a union of mutual respect . . . wherein one member unconditionally surrenders to the other to avoid either annihilation a thirty-year program of crippling taxes. How lovely. \~/
Also, maybe I missed something, but when did Kahlan agree to surrender Galea to Richard? Did it happen off-camera? Or is Richard just arbitrarily deciding this on her behalf? That would sure be a dick move.
Anyway, Richard announces that he's basically taking everyone prisoner, and they will be allowed to send a small delegation to their homelands to convey his demands, and that's that.
Drinks: 16
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