Death and Cousins

Death and Cousins is the second episode of the second season of Patrick in Kelp City and the 18th episode overall. It was written and directed by , and aired on July 1st, 2021 on Canary TV.
==Transcript==
[We start with SpongeBob watching TV on his couch]
TV reporter: Good morning Kelp City! Today’s weather forecast predicts today will have an unexpected cousin visit.
SpongeBob: What?
[A knock is heard at the door]
SpongeBob: Ugh, what does Carl need this time? [he opens the door, and is surprised to see his cousin Stanley] STANLEY?!
Stanley: Hello stranger! I-SPONGEBOB?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
SpongeBob: What are YOU doing here?!
Stanley: I’M MOVING IN WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR WHO I DIDN’T KNOW WAS YOUR NEIGHBOR!
SpongeBob: Wait, you’re moving in with Carl?
Stanley: Who?
SpongeBob: Oh, you’re moving in with my other neighbor! I never really talked to that dude.
Stanley: Oh, he’s the best! I met him online! BARRY! COME HERE!
[A sponge named Barry arrives]
Barry: Oh, I guess you’re my neighbor with the pool.
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Stanley: Well Barry, I better get settled in the house now!
Patrick: [arrives, eating toothpaste] SpongeBob, what’s going on?
Stanley: You live with that starfish friend?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Barry: Oh, well uh, bye! Me and Stanley need to get going.
Stanley: Bye!
SpongeBob: Bye!
Patrick: [spits out the toothpaste] BYE!
French Narrator: One day later…
[SpongeBob wakes up in his bed]
SpongeBob: *yawn* Good morning world! [he gets a notification from his phone, and picks it up] A message from Stanley? “This Barry guy has made me change my perspective on life!”, huh.
[SpongeBob exits his room and goes downstairs, where he is surprised to see Patrick]
Patrick: Good morning BongeSpob!
SpongeBob: You don’t usually wake up so early, what’s the occasion?
Patrick: Bullets.
SpongeBob: ……..What?
Patrick: A few bullets woke me up. They were shot in my room.
SpongeBob: Oh, ok……..WHAT?!
Patrick: Yeah, not sure who it was.
SpongeBob: PATRICK, SOMEONE JUST TRIED TO MURDER YOU!
Patrick: Yep! I wonder what’s on TV. [he grabs the remote and clicks to turn on the TV, but instead of the TV turning on, the remote explodes with Patrick’s hand]
SpongeBob: AAARGH!
Patrick: Oh, don’t worry! [his hand grows back] Everything’s okay.
SpongeBob: NO IT’S NOT! It seems like someone is trying to kill you!
Patrick: Oh, don’t be ridiculous! [an axe is thrown at his head, but he ducks] Why would someone try to kill me? [he gets up from the couch, as an anvil falls where he was seated] It just doesn’t make sense! [a baseball gets thrown at his head] OUCH!
SpongeBob: Someone wants to kill you…...but who?
Patrick: Well, we met our neighbor and saw your cousin yesterday…
SpongeBob: Oh please, they wouldn’t hurt an urchin! It must be someone with a motive, someone like……YOUR BROTHER! PATRICK, I’VE FIGURED IT OUT!
[SpongeBob looks around, but Patrick is nowhere to be seen]
SpongeBob: Uh, Patrick?
[Cut to Patrick naked in the bathroom]
Patrick: Ah, time for a shower!
[Patrick enters the shower, and after a while, he notices a sea bear next to him, growling]
Patrick: Oh, hello there!
Sea Bear: ROAR!
Patrick: Oh, you just need some shampoo! Here. [he grabs a bottle of shampoo and pours it all on the sea bear, whose skin starts to burn]
Sea Bear: AAAARGH!
Patrick: Huh, I guess the shampoo was actually acid. Oh well. [he jumps out of the shower and puts his pants on] Time to use the toilet!
[Patrick sits on the toilet, but is then dragged into it by an unseen person]
[SpongeBob enters the bathroom]
SpongeBob: Patrick! Are you here? I think I’ve figured out who’s trying to kill you! It’s your bro-[he gets hit by an unseen person behind him with a baseball bat, passing out]
[Cut to a dark screen, where we just see SpongeBob’s eyes opening]
SpongeBob: Huh? Where am I? I can’t see anything! I think I can’t move! WHAT’S GOING ON?!
Barry: Keep it down, will ya?
SpongeBob: Wait, is that BARRY?!
Barry: Indeed, Stanley’s here with me.
Stanley: Barry made me see the way...
Patrick: SPONGEBOB, THEY’RE GOING TO KILL ME!
SpongeBob: PATRICK?! WHAT IS GOING ON?!
Barry: BobSponge, I have already shown Stanley the way, now it’s your turn. You live with a starfish, and that is something we cannot allow. We are sponges, the good race.
SpongeBob: What the fu-
Barry: STANLEY! TURN ON THE LIGHTS!
Stanley: YES SIR!
[The lights get turned on, and we see SpongeBob tied up, Patrick in a cell hanging above a cauldron with lava, and Barry and Stanley in Superior Sponge Organization outfits]
SpongeBob: WHAT THE FU-
Barry: That’s right, me and Stanley are part of the Superior Sponge Organization! And this obese starfish is our enemy…
Patrick: I AM NOT OBESE!
SpongeBob: Stanley, are you really part of the SSO?
Stanley: I’m sorry SpongeBob, but Barry makes some great points!
SpongeBob: I am very disappointed in you, Stanley. You-
Barry: SHUT UP! Now, it’s time for the ritual. [points towards a lever on the wall] I spent a lot of money to put that lever here, in my fine basement….and now…..in an action symbolizing his progress with the Superior Sponge Organization…...STANLEY WILL PULL THE LEVER, WHICH WILL MAKE THE STARFISH FALL INTO THE LAVA AND DIE!
SpongeBob and Patrick: NOOOOOOOO!
Barry: You don’t like the idea of it, StrangeBlob, but when it does happen, you will feel an immense sense of satisfaction from seeing a starfish die!
SpongeBob: YOU ARE INSANE! STANLEY, DON’T LISTEN TO HIM! HE HAS BRAINWASHED YOU!
Stanley: I have to do this, SpongeBob. It’s for the best. [he gets closer to the lever]
SpongeBob: DON’T DO IT!
Barry: DO IT!
Patrick: I’m hungry.
[Out of nowhere, a big safe falls from upstairs and into the basement. The safe opens, and four police officers come out]
Barry: NO! NOT THE POLICE!
Police officer 1: [handcuffs Barry]
Police officer 2: [handcuffs Stanley]
Police officer 3: [unties SpongeBob]
Police officer 4: [lets Patrick out of the cell]
Patrick: YIPPEE! [jumps into his arms]
SpongeBob: How did you find us?!
Police officer 1: We got a report that two people were kidnapped here. The safe was just for show.
SpongeBob: Who reported it?! Carl?!
[Gary comes out of the safe]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: GARY! IT WAS YOU! YOU SAVED PATRICK!
Patrick: Good thing MY cousin is good!
SpongeBob: Officer, I refuse to press charges against my cousin. He’s the tall one. I will teach him how to go back to not being racist.
Barry: DAMN YOU SARGEBOT!
Patrick: I’m still hungry.
[End.]
==Trivia==
* This is the darkest episode of the series.
Category:Patrick in Kelp City
Category:2021
Category:2021 Episodes
Category:2021 Transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:CartoonGuy277
Category:Canary TV
Category:2020s
Category:Episodes written by CartoonGuy277