Father Ham

Father Ham is the eighteenth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the eighth episode of the second season. It was written by thatjess and released on April 22, 2022.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. SpongeBob is watching TV. Gary 2 slithers in.]
Gary 2: PAPABOB! PAPABOB! PAPABOB!
SpongeBob: What?!
Gary 2: THEY JUST ADDED THE PROWLER INTO FORTNITE!
SpongeBob: They added who into what now?
Gary 2: (rolls eyes) Ugh, you wouldn’t understand. I just need some extra money to get some V-Bucks, okay?! You know, seeing as your the best snail owner ever and everything.
SpongeBob: Aww…. how could I say no to that cute ickle face of yours?
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Like this apparently. Sorry Gary but you’ve already used up your monthly allowance.
Gary 2: THANK YOU PAPABOB YOU’RE THE BE- wait, what the fuck-
SpongeBob: I’m sorry, Gary. You’ll just have to wait a little longer.
Gary 2: But- But- I need it NOW!
[Daddy Pig walks in.]
Daddy Pig: What’s this?
Gary 2: Daddy Pig! My favorite pig who also just so happens to be a daddy! Give me your credit card!
Daddy Pig: Eh? What?
SpongeBob: Ugh, he wants some V-Bucks or something and I told him no because we’re trying to save money.
Daddy Pig: I’m sorry Gary 2, but I just blew a load of cash on that new car I got last episode.
Gary 2: Come on! Surely we’re not THAT broke!
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Well… heh, money’s such a sensitive subject you know and-
Peppa Pig Narrator: SpongeBob and Daddy Pig are broke.
Daddy Pig: Hmm… I guess thinking about it we could do with a little extra money. That Patrick fella seems to be doing all right in the money side of things. What does he do for a living?
SpongeBob: He lives on benefits.
Daddy Pig: LOL! WHAT A PLONKER!
Gary 2: Wait, that’s a FANTASTIC idea! We should apply for benefits too!
SpongeBob: But Daddy Pig and I both have jobs. I work at The Krusty Krab and he’s a structural engineer.
Gary 2: Well that’s a bit stupid, innit bruv?
Daddy Pig: Well then, in that case I guess what we need to do then is get ourselves some NEW jobs! We need something big, something that makes a lot of money, something-
[Cut to Daddy Pig placing a large sign with a wooden cross on at the front of SpongeBob’s house.]
SpongeBob: “Welcome to the Church of Daddy Pig”? 
Daddy Pig: Listen, SpongeBob, this is the best idea in the history of ideas! We both become priests and charge people to come and confess their sins or whatever. It’s fool-proof!
SpongeBob: I’m, uh… not sure this is legal.
Gary 2: Pffft, who cares about whether or not it’s legal.
Sikowitz: That’s what I tried telling them in court, but they wouldn’t listen to me!
SpongeBob: Who are you again?
Sikowitz: I am a pedophile.
SpongeBob: Oh okay.
Sikowitz: I’m a bit of an expert at being a pedophile, actually.
Daddy Pig: (snorts) That’s my line!
Sikowitz: That you’re a bit of an expert at being a pedophile?
Daddy Pig: Um-
SpongeBob: (turns to the camera) The makers of this programme would like to point out that they do not endorse or support pedophilia in any way, shape of form. After all, pedophilia is not the Daddy Pig way!
Daddy Pig: Damn right!
[Daddy Derek and Cool Cat walk by.]
Sikowitz: Dere he is!
Daddy Derek: Oh hey Erwin!
Sikowitz: Hey Daddy Derek, hey Cool Cat. What are you two doing here?
Daddy Pig: You know these people?
Sikowitz: Oh yeah, we go way back.
Cool Cat: I’m Cool Cat, and I love ALL kids!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Cool Cat is also a pedophile.
Cool Cat: Daddy Derek and I are just doing boogie woogie-ing! Hahahahaha!
Daddy Derek: Hey, what’s this here you’re doing?
Daddy Pig: Oh, (snorts) this is a new church I’m building.
Daddy Derek: A new church? Good golly, that's fantastic news! The old church I used to use is full of punk trolls, so Cool Cat and I have been looking for a new place to go and do some WAP.
Sikowitz: WAP?
Daddy Derek: Yeah, you know, some Worship And Prayer.
[Bubble transition to Daddy Pig inside SpongeBob’s house, which has now been converted into a church, giving a Sunday service.]
Daddy Pig: Ahem, thank you all for coming to the first ever Sunday semen at the newly erected Church of Daddy Pig!
SpongeBob: Um, Daddy Pig? I think it’s actually “Sunday sermon”.
Daddy Pig: Shut up, SpongeBob, who’s the priest here?
SpongeBob: Um? You are, Father Ham?
Daddy Pig: Yes, now let an expert priest do, um… priest-y things.
Daddy Derek: Um, Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: That’s Father Ham to you.
Daddy Derek: Have you actually ever been to church before?
Daddy Pig: (snorts) Of course I have! I am a devoted Christian.
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig has never been to church in his life.
Daddy Pig: Shut up you wanker!  So, um… as I was saying, I’ll think we’ll start off this service with a little reading from the bible.
[Daddy Pig opens a book.]
Daddy Pig: Now if you could all turn to page-
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig that’s a porno. 
Daddy Pig: Shit!
[Daddy Pig opens the real bible.]
Daddy Pig: Anyway, as I was saying, if you could all turn to Deutoronomy 2:1 ESV, “No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.”
[Pause.]
Cool Cat: Wow! The bible is exquisite! 
[Cut to SpongeBob and Gary 2 walking around the church collecting donations. Dr. Brown Bear puts in £5.]
Gary 2: A fiver? Is that really all you’ve got mate?
Dr. Brown Bear: I’m uh saving money for a holiday with my boyfrien-
Gary 2: Saving money my ass. Do you want to get into Heaven or not?
Dr. Brown Bear: Alright, alright! Just take my wallet and leave me alone!
[Dr. Brown Bear puts his wallet in the pot and runs off. Cut to SpongeBob approaching Scott the Woz, Jebediah Jab and Rex Mohs with a pot.]
Scott the Woz: Sorry SpongeBob, I blew all my money on Flingsmash.
Jeb Jab: Yeah, and I blew all my money on Gex.
Rex Mohs: This pot will help the economy, right?
SpongeBob: Uh… sure?
[Rex Mohs puts a hundred dollar bill in the pot.]
Rex Mohs: God I wanna fuck the economy.
Jeb Jab: I thought you hated sex.
Rex Mohs: Not on Sunday.
[Suddenly, Police Officer Panda and Police Officer Squirrel burst through the doors.]
Sikowitz: SHIT IT’S THE FEDS! I DIDN’T TOUCH THOSE CHILDREN, I SWEAR!
Police Officer Panda: Peppa Pig World P.D.! Come out with your hands up!
Daddy Pig: (puts his hands up) Come out? But I’m a proud HETEROSEXUAL!
[Everyone else puts their hands up.]
Police Officer Panda: We’ve caught wind of their being an illegal church here.
Daddy Derek: ILLEGAL CHURCH? Surely it’s not a crime to worship God!
Police Officer Squirrel: Well no, but this building is registered as a house and not a non-profit.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Sorry I don’t understand.
Police Officer Squirrel: You’re committing tax fraud.
Daddy Pig: Wait, officers! Isn’t there something we can do?
Police Officer Panda: Like what?
Daddy Pig: Like, um…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Aha! How about I give you all the money in this pot, and you let us all go.
Police Officer Squirrel: Mr. Pig, are you… are you attempting to bribe a pair of police officers?
Daddy Pig: Er…
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Daddy Pig is in a lot of trouble.
[Pause. The police officers start laughing.]
Police Officer Squirrel: I’m joking, I’m joking! This pot of cash should be fine, but all this church stuff needs to come down.
SpongeBob: Of course, officers.
Police Office Panda: (takes the pot) We won’t speak of this again.
Police Officer Squirrel: Cheerio!
[The two police officers walk off with the money, laughing.]
Gary 2: …well this sucks. They took all our money!
Rex Mohs: But what about the economy?
Scott the Woz: I FUCKING HATE RELIGION AND I’M MOVING TO BLOONS!
Dr. Brown Bear: Come on guys, let’s go.
[Everyone except SpongeBob, Daddy Pig, Gary 2 and Sikowitz leaves.]
Daddy Pig: WAIT! NO! Don’t go! The power of Christ compels you! Come back!
SpongeBob: (sighs) Sorry Gary 2, looks like you’re not getting your V-Bucks.
Daddy Pig: Forget the V-Bucks, we’re still completely broke!
Sikowitz: (sipping on some coconut milk) Completely broke, eh?
Daddy Pig: Oh great the nonce is still here.
Sikowitz: Indeed I am. You know, if you want to make a bit of cash… I kinda sorta maybe got kicked out of my house recently and, well you know…
Daddy Pig: You want somewhere to stay?
Sikowitz: Well, I don’t want to be a burden but… yeah I’m kinda homeless right now I need shelter. You know, only if you were okay with it. You guys seem cool, I have a paying job.
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig start whispering to each other, before turning back to Sikowitz.]
SpongeBob: Sounds great to me!
Sikowitz: YES! I promise you won’t regret this.
Daddy Pig: You have to pay though. In cash.
Sikowitz: Of course, um… sorry what’s your name?
Daddy Pig: Pig. Daddy Pig.
SpongeBob: And I’m SpongeBob!
Gary 2: I am in this show too.
SpongeBob: And you are?
Sikowitz: Sikowitz. Mr. Erwin Sikowitz.
SpongeBob: I mean we don’t we really have anywhere for you to sleep besides my sofa, but apart from that the only other condition is that you don’t be a pedophile!
[Pause.]
Sikowitz: for fuck’s sake
[Fade to black]
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show
Category:PI
Category:Coral Blue Productions
Category:Thatjess
Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
Category:PI Network
Category:Episodes
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Daddy Pig Cinematic Universe
Category:Religion
Category:2020s
Category:Blue Lobster Productions