The Shaggy Dog (2006 film)/Transcript

[dog barking]
[goats braying]
[helicopter whirring]
This is our target.
He's to be captured, not harmed.
Which man is it?
We're after the canine.
His name is Khyi Yag Po.
Translation: ''Dog of Ageless Wonder.'' 
Uh, sir, this picture's 80 years old.
Everybody in it is dead.
Not everyone.
[monks chanting]
[panting]
[whimpering]
[speaks in Tibetan]
[chicken squawks]
[urinating]
[man]
Misguided youth. Your Honor... That sounds so pompous.
What's another word for misguided?
Misguided...
It’s too on the money.
Um...
Dog!
Hey, Baxter!
Why is it that my yard is that mutt's outhouse?
Uhh, FYI, calling Attila a mutt is like referring to my Porsche Carrera as a Buick Skylark.
Hey, look, whatever kind of car your dog is, I’d appreciate it if he wasn't whizzin' on my shrubs.
You know what your problem is, Dave?
You hate dogs.
Dave: No, I do not hate dogs.
I dislike dogs.
I hate that dog.
Now get outta here!
Stop that.
You did not hear that, did you?
You did not hear that.
Are you OK?
Baby?
Forrester got himself in the newspaper.
[chanting on TV]
No more testing!
And all over the TV.
Reporter: The trial of Justin Forrester, a local schoolteacher accused of arson - in a fire at Grant & Strictland.
Great.
Ya just can't burn a building down, because you think they're puttin' makeup on bunnies.
Rebecca: You're going to Josh's parent-teacher conference, right?
Josh!
Dave: What?
Rebecca: Josh's parent-teacher thing?
Four o'clock?
You said you'd take care of it.
[sighs]
Dave: Honey, I...
I’m starting a trial today.
Ken Hollister's stepping down.
Don't you want me to be the next DA?
Rebecca: Dave, you never make these things.
All right.
I'll take him.
Look, you know what?
Let me say, once...
Once I get through all this stuff, why don't I take you to Oahu?
Rebecca: You know that way that you always say "Oahu," and you think it's so cute?
It really just reminds me of how many times you've canceled that trip.
Josh: Hey, Dad.
Dave: Hey, good mornin', Josh.
How's football goin'?
Josh: Awesome.
I’m playin' tailback.
Dave: Just like your old man.
Well, I can't wait.
When can I come down and watch you play?
Josh: Oh, um, you know, the games don't start for a while.
Dave: Really?
Josh: Yeah.
Dave: Mornin'.
[to Carly] Hey, take the T-shirt off.
Carly: Why?
Did you drop the charges?
Dave: You know, this might be hard for you to understand, sweetie, but your social studies teacher, the Torch, is a criminal.
Carly: What's hard to believe is that my father is defending a puppy murderer. Who're you gonna put in jail next? Grandma?
Dave: Well, the way she cooks, I should put her in jail.
Here's your...
here's your buddy, your hero, your social studies teacher.
This guy lit a lab on fire, and he coulda killed a lot of people.
But he says he's innocent, and I believe him.
Carly: A criminal who thinks he's innocent.
What a concept.
[car horn honks]
Carly: That's Trey.
Trey: Josh, you want a ride?
Josh: In Trey's car?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Here you go.
Bye.
Bye.
[chewing]
Bye.
Dave: Oh, nice shirt.
If I was puttin' your physics teacher in jail, you'd be thrilled.
[door closes]
Justin Forrester is a passionate advocate of animal rights.
And I respect that.
But this case is not about animal rights.
This case is about whether the defendant criminally trespassed on Grant & Strictland property and set a fire that caused over $300,000 worth of damage.
Dave: He broke into a company that's dedicated to good.
From their organic pet foods and shampoos to their life-saving medicines.
Created by them to help people like you and me fight heart disease, arthritis, diabetes, obesity.
And yes, even baldness.
Dave: We will, by the way, subpoena that tape.
I’m sorry, that's all the time I have.
Thank you all very much.
Lori: Dave.
Here's your messages.
And I am holding 4:00 open for your kid thing.
Dave: OK, 4:00 for the kid thing.
Lori: Unless you want me to go for you.
'Cause I will.
Dave: No, thanks.
Thanks.
Ken: Dave.
Hey.
Great opening.
You really won over that jury.
Dave: I learned everything from you, Ken.
Dr. Kozak.
Kozak: Yes.
Glad to have ya.
Sorry I couldn't put you on the stand today.
All right.
Apology accepted.
Ken tells me that when he steps down, you're gonna be our next district attorney.
Dave: Well, that's my hope.
Certainly.
Well, hopefully justice will be served.
You'll have my support as well as that of Grant & Strictland.
- Till tomorrow?
OK.
- All right.
- Once again.
- We actually just shook hands.
Yes, we did.
Thank you.
Strictland: Kozak.
How did it go in court today?
Kozak: Ah, Mr. Strictland.
Uh...
[stammers]
It went very, very, very well, sir.
Strictland: Have you unlocked the dog's secret?
Kozak: Let's talk in the elevator, OK?
I have something to show you I think will be most pleasing.
Strictland: Have you figured out why the dog lives so long?
Kozak: Well, I...
I take it you're familiar with the concept of dog years, sir?
Strictland: Don't like dogs.
Kozak: You don't like...
Strictland: I keep a squirrel.
Kozak: OK.
Strictland: A pet squirrel.
Kozak: That's, uh, something.
Strictland: Typically, dogs age seven years for every human year.
But in the case of this one, this one that we borrowed from Tibet, a genetic mutation reversed the equation.
What I’m saying is, he lives seven years for every human year.
Kozak: Sir, this dog is over 300 years old.
Strictland: Hmm.
The things you must have seen.
If we could transmit that gene to humans, we'd all live 700 years.
Kozak: We've isolated the gene fairly quickly.
But we're unable to viralize it outside his body for transmission to other species.
Therefore, we've had to viralize his entire genetic code in corpus.
Strictland: Which makes his bodily fluids...
Pretty dangerous stuff.
Kozak: Somewhat.
But it would have to enter the bloodstream to do any serious damage.
Larry: We're really careful.
Kozak: Mm-hm.
Strictland: How close are we?
Kozak: How 'bout the snake?
Look at the snake, see how the snake's doin'.
You might be interested to know, sir, when we got this snake, he was nearly dead.
He was nearly dead of old age.
Since we injected him with the serum made from the dog's viralized DNA, all cell degradation has ceased.
And he's actually been getting stronger.
Does that snake have a furry tail?
Uh, that would be a-a-a side effect that I would classify as, uh, minor.
Kozak, dry mouth is a minor side effect.
Growing a dog's tail is...
[stammers]
It makes your serum into a carnival act.
You know what?
Your job is to relax.
Our job is to work out the kinks, OK?
Because when we do, Lance, you and I are gonna have the patent on the fountain of youth.
[cell phone rings]
Ah.
Excuse me.
Uh, yeah, Security.
Go for Kozak.
[all chanting]
Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!
Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!
When I called you, it was to make sure these people were arrested.
I understand that.
If we arrest them, they turn into rebels with a cause on the 6:00 news.
If we leave 'em there, they're just kids layin' on the sidewalk.
- [girl]
Puppy-killers!
- ...so we're lying down!
Good advice.
All right.
Thanks for your help.
- You bet.
- I’m good.
Let's go.
All right, fellas, let's just get some sort of perimeter on this.
They're just kids.
Let 'em do their thing.
When they get hungry, they're all gonna go home.
Hold on a minute.
Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!
Grant & Strictland's lying, so we're lying down!
Carly: Hi, Dad.
Dave: Hi, Carly.
What're you doing here?
I’m lying down for what I believe in.
Trey: Uh, good to see you, Mr. Douglas.
Dave: It’s always good to see you too, Trey.
We need to talk.
Trey: Oh, yeah, sure thing.
Carly: Um, Trey, make some room for Dad.
Ow!
Get up.
C'mon.
Jeez.
OK, OK.
No, no, no, no.
Not OK.
We gotta get outta here.
Dave: We're leavin' right now.
As a member of the Animal Rescue Group, there are principles...
You're a member of the 11th grade.
If you don't get out of here right now, l'm gonna ground you.
Carly: Who's gonna enforce it?
You?
You're never home.
Dave: You're never gonna leave home unless you leave here right now.
[scoffs]
Carly: Come on, Trey.
Trey: It was nice seeing you.
You too, Trey.
[barks]
OK.
Yeah, this one still freaks me out.
A lot.
Can't make an omelet without breakin' some eggs.
That's a good point.
Let's get a sample.
OK.
Such a good dog.
Never give us any trouble, do you?
Nice.
Oh, my God, it's a trap.
[barking]
Dogs don't set traps.
Yeah, well, dogs don't live 300 years either.
[growling]
Gwen: Get the cattle prod.
OK.
That's what I’m doing, backing up to get the cattle prod.
I have it.
[electricity crackling]
[barking]
Gwen: Watch out.
That blood's viral.
Aah!
He treats me like a ten-year-old.
What are you thinking?
We can prove Mr. Forrester's right.
You wanna sneak in?
Just follow me.
[snoring]
It’s the middle of the day.
If anyone asks, we're looking for a bathroom.
[barks]
[gasps]
[grunts]
Carly: I knew it.
[barks]
Let's go.
[car engine starting]
We proved Mr. Forrester's right.
They are testing animals in there.
All right, so then, what do we do now?
We'll take him to the media and show them we've got this dog...
...who's got no tags or markings that we can actually prove came from Grant & Strictland.
Trey: Well, can we take him to your dad?
Oh, yeah, sure.
And, uh, as deputy DA, he'll arrest us for burglary.
[barks]
- We've searched the building.
- We're gonna keep looking.
- Really?
- We're gonna...
Same places or new places?
lf the same places...
- I think new places.
- Oh, yeah?
Tell me you're a moron.
- Definitely.
- Larry.
- Yes?
- Don't... don't speak.
Do you understand the great lengths I went to to get this dog?
Yes?
- Yes-or-no question.
- Well, you said not to speak...
And just 'cause he holds the key to my future...
...so it would stand to reason that if you don't find him, well, [chuckles]
you won't have a future.
Right.
Why are you still standing here?
No sleeping.
No talking.
Find him.
Dave: Hey, sorry I’m late, guys.
Where's my dinner?
All: In the microwave.
Right.
So you guys see the trial on the evening news?
Great shot of your dad on channel eight.
[chuckles]
So how was the parent-teacher conference today?
[water running]
[sighs]
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
I...
[sighs]
Completely slipped my...
[whimpers]
There's a dog in the kitchen.
No, no, no, no.
It’s a dog-free home.
Carly: Dad, stop oppressing Shaggy!
- He's got a name now?
- Yeah, it just happened.
He's so cute, and he's very smart.
They're a breeding ground for fleas.
They don't contribute to the financial well-being of a household.
And I’m not gonna get...
Oh!
It was an accident.
He's really sweet once you get to know him.
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, l'm OK.
Dave: Carly, this is precisely why, no matter what happens, that animal's goin' back to wherever he came from.
[dog whimpering]
Look at that.
He's paper-trained.
All right, um, come here.
Ow!
Oh!
Aah!
[echoing]
Ow!
- You scared him.
Dave: Ow, he bit me.
Rebecca: Let me see.
[Dave grunts]
Carly: Aww.
He's licking it better.
What could be more sweet?
So no hard feelings, right?
[pants]
Thanks, guys.
Josh: He licked you!
He tried to apologize!
Dave: You know what?
A lick is not considered an apology.
Well, if he doesn't have rabies, can we take him back?
[grunts]
[sighs]
- Hey.
How's your hand?
[slurring]
Dave: Uh, fine, thanks.
- What?
- Why are you talkin' like that?
I don't...
[stammers]
I don't know.
Huh.
Rebecca: So Josh's teacher called me today at work when you didn't show.
Dave: I am so sorry about that.
Rebecca: He's flunking math.
Dave: You're kidding.
Rebecca: Josh knows he can't play football unless he passes math.
Dave: I’ll...
I’ll...
Don't worry, I’ll...
I’ll...
I’ll...
I’ll talk to him or somethin'.
Rebecca: She also asked if there were any problems at home.
Dave: Yeah, that's good.
Rebecca: I told her that we'd reverted to cannibalism and that we were eating our neighbors.
Dave: OK, great.
I’d say the same thing.
Rebecca: What?
What happened to my husband?
Dave: Let's not exaggerate the situation.
Rebecca: Dave!
You were bitten tonight by a stray dog, and the kids took the dog's side.
What does that tell you?
You don't know what's going on with your children.
You don't know what's going on with me.
When was the last time you said, "I love you''?
Dave: I love you.
That doesn't count.
Dave: Rebecca.
Wait a minute.
Rebecca, stop.
Stop for a second.
Please, look.
That didn't come out right.
Turn around.
Look, sit down, sit down.
I got an idea.
I got an idea.
Tomorrow night I’m gonna come home early, I’m gonna cook dinner for the kids, spend some quality time with them.
You know what the next night is.
Rebecca: Do you?
Dave: Yes.
lt's our anniversary.
So we make reservations at Grace, get that table by the window that we love.
I’ll sing in French, like you know that I can't do.
Rebecca: You have to do more than just talk a good game.
You have to follow through, OK?
Dave: Yeah.
Rebecca: You have to connect with the whole family again.
[whispering]
I love you.
[grunting]
Oh.
l gotta get this.
Ahh.
[grunting, sighs]
[bicycle bell rings]
[beeping]
[sighing]
Mmm.
[beeping]
[sighing]
Mmm.
Rebecca: Honey?
Rough night's sleep?
[sighs]
Dave: No.
[grunting, squeaking]
No.
I slept great.
Wow.
I dreamt I chased cars all night.
Rebecca: Oh.
Dave: Yeah.
Hey, you know what we should do?
We should get out today.
Get out, just go outside, go to the...
[stammers]
go...
We should go to the park.
We should go to the park and just run, huh?
[high-pitched noise]
Josh: Greased lightnin' 
Go greased lightnin'
Go greased lightnin'...
- [door opens]
- [music playing in headphones]
Dave: Turn that down, please.
Josh: Dad, don't you ever knock?
Dave: I can hear that all the way in my room.
That high-pitched...
Turn it...
The machine, turn the machine off.
- [noise squealing]
- [groans]
Dave: Oh.
Great.
I hear everything.
Beautiful day out there now.
I smell bacon and syrup.
Wow.
[sniffs]
Ahh.
[laughs]
I smell everything today.
[sniffs]
I smell apples, over here and fresh fruit and...
[sniffs]
Lemon.
Well, of course, they put lemon on the wood.
[laughs]
Little bit of turpentine in there.
I can smell that.
[sniffs]
What's that?
What's that?
Do you sm...
[sniffs]
Peanut butter?
Wheat?
No.
Somethin' else in there.
[sniffs]
No, it's bougainvillea...
No, uh, hyacinth, roses.
What is going on with your hair?
Cedar.
It’s like wood.
It’s...
Rebecca: My perfume?
- Yeah.
Rebecca: Did l put on too much?
Dave: No, I like it.
And that music, hear it?
Where's the music?
Rebecca: Over there.
Yeah.
I play it every day.
Dave: High notes.
[sighing]
Those high notes, can you hear those high notes?
It’s fantastic.
Great smells, great sounds, beautiful wife.
The kitchen, it's a paradise.
Dave: Hey, Josh.
Josh: Hey, Dad.
Dave: Hmm.
[sniffs]
It’s hot.
Bitter.
Terrible coffee.
Yuck.
[sucking teeth]
Hoo.
[sniffing]
Mmm.
Mmm.
Hey, your mom tells me that your math grades are fallin' a little bit, huh?
Josh:?Yeah, it's been a pretty tough year.
Yeah?
Josh: Guess I should spend more time studying.
Dave: I want you playin' football as badly as you wanna play.
But...
[slurping, munching]
...if you can't keep your grades up, we're gonna have to pull you outta football.
Uh...
I gotta run.
[grunting]
Dave: Ooh!
I love you.
Did that count?
Rebecca: I don't know.
Maybe.
[growls]
[squeals]
Gotta go.
Bye, guys.
Baxter: Do you know what pruning is?
Is that a lost art?
It is snipping, not slashing.
These are your roses.
[sniffing]
Baxter: Where's your commitment?
I’m payin' you guys $300 a month.
That's $10 a day.
[growls]
It’s my yard, my yard!
My yard!
My yard!
My yard!
It’s my...
My yard!
My yard, my yard, my yard!
My yard!
My yard, my yard, my yard, my yard!
My yard!
My yard, my yard!
My yard!
[panting]
Dave: Mornin', Baxter.
[The Rascals: Beautiful Morning]
[panting]
Kozak: Security called me in the night.
That's when I discovered the fire.
That's when I discovered the fire.
Fortunately, though, the sprinklers went off and put it out before it spread to the rest of the building.
Dave: Dr. Kozak, there's a document I’d like you to take a look at.
Kozak: All right.
Um...
[Dave growls, bites paper]
[growling]
Whittaker: Mr. Douglas.
Hmm.
[clears throat]
Hmm, well.
Whittaker: Could you tell us what that is?
Dave: Yes.
I’ll just dry it off, briefly, first, if you don't mind.
Uh, this is the company's policy on animal testing.
Kozak: We perform only noninvasive and humane tests, I might add, none of which, none of it, occurs in the building where the fire...
Dave: Objection, Your Honor.
It has never been estab...
[growling]
[louder growl]
Whittaker: Mr. Douglas. Mr. Douglas!
[growling stops]
Did you just growl at opposing counsel?
Dave: Mm.
No, no.
[coughs]
I need some water.
[clears throat]
This carpet, I think, has something going on.
Whittaker: Do you need a brief recess?
Dave: No, thanks, it just...
[growls]
I don't need a re...
Whittaker: Did you just growl at me?
Dave: No, no, no.
I had somethin' caught in my throat.
[growls]
[mimics growl]
[typing]
Whittaker: One more outburst, I’m holding you in contempt.
Dave: [barks]
Silence!
Quiet!
Whoo!
[muffled]
[gasps]
I think I...
I think l could use a re...
re...
[growling]
Whittaker: Recess.
[bangs gavel]
Whittaker: Ten minutes!
[sighing]
Dave: Ooh.
What's with my hair?
Oh.
What's wrong with me?
[growls]
Growlin'.
[panting]
[smacks lips]
Whoa.
[chuckles]
Hoo.
Hey.
Hey, yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's a...
That's, uh...
That's, uh...
That's weird.
[sighs]
Lori: Dave, what is going on?
Dave: Lori, I am ill.
I am leaving.
I want you to tell the judge.
Reporter: Hey, Dave, channel eight.
One question.
Is there any possible way you can win this case?
Is Forrester guilty?
Is Forrester guilty?
Dave: Well, he definitely does not have rabies.
Reporter: Well, then, what does it have?
Dave: Ah, well, he has a silky coat and a great disposition.
[laughs]
I tell ya, that's one good dog.
Where is he?
This way.
[growling]
[meows]
[dogs barking]
[to Shaggy] You.
[panting]
Dave: Listen to me.
Why'd you bite me?
You meant to bite me, didn't you?
You did mean to bite me.
I can...
I can hear you.
I can hear you.
I can hear you.
I can...
What?
[barking]
What do you want?
You and your buddy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, you want some of this?
ls that what you want?
[dogs barking]
[barks]
Quiet!
[echoing]
Quiet, quiet!
All of you, quiet!
I can hear all of you.
Quiet!
Why did you bite me?
You bit me on purpose.
You knew who I was, didn't you?
[panting]
You bit me because you knew it was me.
What's happening?
What's happening to me?
[barking]
[heartbeat accelerating]
[growls]
[whimpering]
Dave: [transforms into Shaggy] Wow.
That felt weird.
OK, don't just sit there.
I want answers.
Why'd you bite me?
Huh?
[barks]
What do you mean, I’m an animal?
Is that some sort of lawyer crack?
Wait a minute.
Why is it I understand you?
[keys jingling]
Run from what?
Dog catcher: Hey there.
How'd you get out?
Dave: Well, you let me in here.
Wow.
You're taller than I remember.
What are you doin' with that stick?
Come here!
Dave: Hey!
[ripping]
Uh-oh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why am I runnin' on all fours?
Thank you.
Man, am l flyin'!
Why'd I ever run on two?
This is weird.
[stammers]
What's hittin' me in the face?
What is that?
- It’s my tongue.
[tongue smacking]
I can taste my own eyeball.
Aw, man.
Hi there.
Hoping you can help us.
Um, our dog wandered off.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back the truck up.
Look at that.
That's that new 42-inch plasma.
What is that?
Is that me?
It’s impossible.
That can't be me.
[barks]
I’m barking now?
Did someone knock me out and put me in a dog costume?
Right.
'Cause that happens all the time.
I get it.
I’m, uh...
I’m dreaming.
Yeah.
In about five seconds, I’ll be naked in the courtroom.
[barks]
I've gotta wake myself up.
Yeah.
Wake myself up.
Oh!
[groans]
That hurt.
So I’m not dreaming, I’m not in a dog costume, which can only mean one thing.
I’m a dog.
[barks]
Weirder things have happened.
I am a dog!
[echoing]
Perfectly understandable, everybody.
I’m a dog!
I am a dog!
man: Is this him?
Larry: That is him.
That is him.
You are a lifesaver.
Thank you.
Gwen: Mm-hmm.
- Our kids have been crying all day.
- [both]
Aww.
- Can we take him now?
- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.
Right now.
Dave: Please be home, please be home, please be home.
[barks]
Hey, Tom, hey, Mary.
Tom?
Mary?
Please be home, please be home, please be home, please be home.
[panting]
There we go.
All right!
[barking]
What's going on?
I can't open this.
Come on, Dave, grab and turn, grab and turn.
How do dogs do anything with these?
[doorbell rings]
- [barks]
Hi!
- Shaggy, you're back!
No, I’m...
l'm not Shaggy.
I’m Dad.
Carly, you gotta help me.
Must've been that dog bite.
When the dog bit me, I turned into Shaggy.
- [laughs]
- Why is that funny?
Gosh, you're talkative, aren't you?
Oh, that feels good.
That feels good.
Oh, you're so cute.
I know.
How ya doin'?
Oh, wow.
That is so good.
But wait!
Wait, wait, wait!
This is important!
Hey, it's Shaggy!
- Where'd he come from?
- I don't know.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
Listen to me.
Listen.
I’m your dad.
[Josh chuckles]
Wow, he's really hyper today.
[through barks]
I am your dad.
Carly: Hey, do you need to do your business?
Business?
Did my daughter just ask me if I wanted to use the bathroom?
Wait a minute.
They can't hear me.
All they hear is barking.
I got an idea.
Here.
Over here.
Follow me.
Watch, you guys.
Let's see.
I...
I am...
Shaggy, no!
Bad doggy!
I am Dad.
I am Dad.
I need a D. A D...
- Shaggy, stop.
- What are you doing?
Dave: Stop.
What are you doing?
Quit cleanin' up!
Sixteen years, not once have you tried to clean up your room.
But when Dad turns into a dog, you're there cleanin' everything up.
- That's Janey.
I gotta go.
- Where you goin'?
You won't tell Mom and Dad?
- Yeah.
- [Dave]
Don't like the sound of this.
- I’m getting a tattoo.
- Dave: What?
Janey knows this place where they don't ask for ID.
I’m gonna get the Animal Rescue Group logo tattooed across...
- I don't think so!
- Shaggy, where are you going?
Hey, Carly, hurry up!
Oh!
Who's the cute doggy?
Who's the...?
[stammers]
Whoa, boy.
Janey: Whoa, boy.
Whoa, boy.
- [Dave growling]
- Whoa, boy!
Whoa!
[screaming]
- Shaggy, don't!
Dave: Janey!
Janey!
Listen to me!
How could you do this?
You're a good girl!
You went to church camp!
[tires squealing]
Shaggy, what's gotten into you?
Bad dog!
Don't use that tone with me.
You're grounded, young lady.
You are grounded.
- He's kind of freaking me out a little.
- What?
Maybe we should take him back to the pound.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I’ll be good.
Look, I’m good!
Look at this.
Hey, look how good I am.
Look who's a good doggy.
- [laughs]
- This is humiliating.
He probably just needs to run around a little.
I ran five miles to get here.
I don't need a run.
I’ll take him to the dog park.
No, l have stuff to do, important stuff.
I’m not going to a dog park.
- [sniffing]
- [barking in distance]
Is there anyone in this entire park who has not sniffed my butt?
No, no, no.
Thanks, I don't wanna sniff your butt.
Maybe later.
I just want some answers.
Has anybody here ever heard of a human being turning into a...?
- [Josh]
Hey, Shaggy, hey!
- What?
- Wanna play with the Frisbee?
- Josh, l am not playing Fris...
I got it!
- Yes!
I nailed it!
- Awesome!
- Josh.
- Oh, hey, Tracy.
How's it goin'?
- Where were you today?
- What do you mean?
Auditions for Grease.
Dave: That instinct is really intense.
It’s, like, insane.
Hey, I got a dog.
Pretty cool, huh?
Here you go.
Keep the Frisbee.
I’ll be right back.
I gotta talk to those other...
I got it!
Nothin' but mouth!
l'm not doin' the musical this fall.
- What?
- I, you know, just don't wanna.
[mock laughs]
Funny.
You're cute.
Be at the theater tomorrow, 3:00.
And, uh, don't get too cocky.
Just 'cause you're the best doesn't mean you're gonna get the part.
- Ow.
- [woman]
Come on, kids!
Did you see that catch?
That was great.
Way up in the air...
- Hey, what's the matter?
- [Josh sighs]
[barks, whimpers]
You were a very bad dog.
Are you gonna be a good boy?
You get the cattle prod, I’ll get the needle.
OK.
[barking]
[door opens]
When was Dad supposed to be home?
- [door closes]
- 'Bout an hour ago.
Hey, honey.
Remember that in sickness and health thing?
[Josh]
What's for dinner?
Well, your father was supposed to be cooking.
At least he said he was, last time he returned one of my phone calls.
[Dave]
Oh, boy, that's the mad face.
You smell mad.
Are you in heat?
[Carly]
Did you check your e-mail?
The computer.
That's it.
That's it!
- [chuckles]
All right.
- Shaggy!
Where are you going?
Dave: OK, um, I can't make dinner...
Carly: Shaggy, stop causing trouble.
What's a shorter word for metamorphosis?
All right.
Look, I can't make dinner...
I can't make dinner because I turned into a d...
Don't shut that!
Hey, watch this.
Who does this remind you of?
Wow.
Maybe he escaped from the circus.
- [chuckles]
- C'mon, kids.
Try to see past the fur and the tail, the snout and the drool.
[chuckles]
How cute.
Honey, you recognize me.
Honey?
Do you think your dad is gonna come through, - or should we go ahead and order in?
- [in unison]
Let's order in.
Ouch.
[not realizing Shaggy is actually Dave] Well, I would let you sleep inside, Shaggy.
But my husband won't allow it.
Now, there's a bitter irony.
Good night.
Wait.
Wait.
Honey?
[barking]
I’m sorry about tonight.
I love you.
[growls]
Sweet dreams.
Really do love you.
[heartbeat thumping]
[floor creaking]
- It’s 3am.
- [clears throat]
Where have you been?
What happened to your clothes?
Clearly you're upset, and I would be upset too.
But there's...
There's a simple but hard-to-swallow explanation for all this.
[sighs]
I turned into a dog.
[chuckles]
Lori, I wanna thank you for picking up my car at the animal shelter.
I figured you were getting it fixed.
[chuckles]
- Ooh.
- Um, no thanks necessary.
Anything else I can do for you this morning?
- Actually, I need some research done.
- Oh, OK.
Great.
On what?
On dogs and man.
Man and dog...
[stammers]
Have you ever heard of a man turning into a dog?
They all do eventually, don't they?
[laughing]
You've been drinking, haven't you?
Dog-men.
I’m on it.
Um, do you mind if I ask why?
- It would be better if you didn't.
- Right, OK.
I’ll be honest, the reports of your behavior in court yesterday were unsettling.
As was your disappearing the rest of the day.
Yeah, l know.
And I’m...
I’m sorry about that.
I had some kind of food poisoning.
- I was mildly delirious.
- [elevator bell dings]
- You goin' down?
- Yeah.
- [sighs]
- Hold it.
[growls]
Should've taken the stairs.
- But you're fine now.
- Huh?
Yeah, yeah.
I’m great now, thanks, Ken.
- [dog whimpers]
- [Ken]
Good.
Because people don't want a loose cannon workin' the DA's office.
- Jeez.
- [dog whimpering]
- [growling]
- [gasps]
You ain't got anything illegal up there, do you?
[laughing]
[growling]
By the way, Lloyd Gannon called today about working on some preliminary campaign ideas.
Sit.
He wants to go grassroots to start.
Mailers, some door hangers, - work up to television and radio.
- Mm-hmm.
[whimpering, growling]
[clears throat]
- You OK?
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
[sighs]
[panting]
[mumbling]
Oh...
[pants]
[elevator bell dings]
Ken: You sure you're OK to go into court today?
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
[pants]
[gurgles]
Oh.
There were these little bunnies.
There...
there were poor little fluffy bunnies all crammed together in a cage.
[Dave]
You thought it was a good idea to set a fire where there was bunnies present?
- Objection.
Whittaker: Overruled.
Look, I didn't set the fire, and I saw what I saw.
We can't see what you saw?
Do we need special goggles?
Is this like a Bigfoot affair?
Objection!
He's badgering the witness!
- Your Honor!
- I saw a monkey who acted like a dog!
[courtroom laughing]
Whittaker: 
Counselors, approach the bench.
[Dave sniffs]
Whittaker: Get over here!
Don't you dare turn my courtroom into a barnyard.
Get your chin off my desk.
- [whimpers]
- Go on.
Go on.
l assume you're going somewhere with this line of questioning?
l'd like a treat first.
Yes, yes, l was.
Thank you.
Whittaker: Proceed, counsel.
Dave: Thank you, Your Honor.
How did this monkey act like a dog?
It was growling and chasing its tail.
[laughter]
Dave: Was there anything else that was genetically odd?
There was a snake with a tail like a dog.
- [laughter]
- [gavel pounds]
And rats.
Rats that barked.
- [judge pounds gavel]
- [Forrester]
lt's true!
Look, it's true!
I’m...
I’m not lying!
I’m not crazy!
[judge]
Order!
Order!
This dog that you saw, what did it look like?
It was a big, woolly sheepdog.
- No further questions, Your Honor.
- Thank God.
Judge Whittaker: Court adjourned.
[pounds gavel]
[bell ringing]
Josh was one of my best math students, and then, all of a sudden...
[whistles]
Bad grades.
And so we're just trying to search out an explanation, really.
Well, I think the problem is he's distracted by football.
Can l...?
I think I know what the problem...
The problem, I think, is me.
I’ve been workin' too much.
This is what this is about.
l haven't been home.
It’s...
It’s been causing a lot of stress on my family.
[teacher]
Well, I know what it's like to be too busy to do anything.
In fact, l didn't even get to eat lunch.
- Do you mind if I eat something?
- [chuckles]
Sure.
- [Dave]
Go ahead.
- Thanks.
I realized this in court, actually.
Uh, last couple days the...
the amount that I was in...
[sniffing]
Can you smell that?
It is so smelly in a great way.
That is...
[echoing]
turkey...
- [lettuce crunching]
- [echoing]
Mmm.
Look at that.
Ah, yeah.
- [teacher]
Do you want half?
- Hmm?
C'mon, please?
Uh, no.
Well, no, wait, no.
No, we're here to talk about Josh.
Boy.
Anyway, I’m gonna commit myself to this.
There's nothing more important than Josh.
Nothing more important to me...
Nothing more important to me than family.
- [smacks lips]
- [teacher]
That's true.
Oh, that's great.
I love hearing that.
[chuckles]
- As a teacher, I love to hear...
- [hisses]
- Honey?
- [door closing, running]
[stammers]
I’m so sorry.
[laughs]
I mean, he's really a wonderful father.
You know, we just have a very normal lifestyle.
- Yeah, it just seems that way.
- [cat yowling]
Very down-to-earth.
[Baha Men: Who Let the Dogs Out?]
- [horn honks]
- [tires screeching]
Whoa!
[panting]
Oh!
Ohh!
Oh!
Oh!
Now this is why I come here.
Toning up all day long just for me.
[laughing]
That's why they call them trophy wives.
- Aaah!
- [tires screeching]
[truck horn blaring]
[panting]
[yowling]
[Dave]
I got ya now.
[panting, groans]
Come here!
[grunts]
[panting]
Now I gotcha.
- [cat yowls]
- Oh!
- [panting]
- [heartbeat accelerates]
Aw, nuts!
- [cat meows]
- What?
[yowls]
Well, if ya didn't do anything wrong, why were you running?
[laughs]
Serves you right...
[grunts]
Oh!
Gotcha.
This is just not my week.
[whimpers]
I think we've got it.
This rabbit was injected with the serum two days ago.
[Kozak]
Uh-huh.
So far cell degeneration has ceased with no side effects.
- You're sure?
- I’m sure.
Are you absolutely, entirely certain?
Absolutely.
- I’ve done it.
- Um, we've done it.
I’ve done it!
[laughs]
I’m gonna call Strictland.
I bet he's gonna want an injection of this stuff right away.
Can we do that?
Isn’t there an FDA?
The man's got one lung and someone else's kidney.
He'll risk it.
Gwen, I want you to manufacture as much serum as you can.
Don't worry about the FDA.
It’s nothing money can't handle.
[laughing]
[dogs barking]
- That's him.
Dave: Kids!
Am I glad to see you.
This mastiff just sold me for three biscuits.
Where you been?
We've been lookin' all over for you, boy.
I’ve been waitin' for you guys to come get me outta here.
Josh: Let's go.
I got a football game to go to.
[Dave]
There's a game today?
Wow!
I...
I get to watch you play.
That'll be great.
[crowd cheering]
[crowd cheering]
- Get him!
- C'mon.
- Hit him!
Hit him!
[referee blows whistle]
[man]
That's the way to hit somebody, Jenkins.
Way to go.
[Dave barking]
Dave: Hey, coach, would ya put my kid in?
We waited all game for this.
Douglas!
You're in at tailback.
[players laughing]
It’s OK, coach.
You don't have to play me.
- [Dave]
What?
- Everybody plays, Douglas.
Come on.
But with the game on the line and all... We're up by 30.
Now let's go.
- [woman]
C'mon, buddy!
- All right.
Dave: Get in.
Come on.
Come on, buddy.
Get in there.
C'mon.
[grunts]
Oh!
Sorry, coach.
That's what I gotta deal with.
[Dave]
Show 'em what you can do.
The other team's afraid.
I can smell it!
And a hot dog.
And a poodle.
[boy 1]
I run.
Twenty-four dive, I run.
- Ready?
Break!
- Break!
- [boy 2]
All right!
- Where...?
I go...?
What the...?
[coach]
Douglas!
Tailback!
Tail...!
Behind the fullback!
Back up!
Back up!
Back up!
Back!
Back, back, back, back, back!
Right there!
- Stay right there!
- [quarterback calls play]
Set!
Hut!
- [boys]
Block him!
- Here it comes!
[coach]
You got the ball!
Run!
Run!
Whoa!
- [grunts]
- [crowd groans]
- Ooh!
- Ow!
[blowing whistle]
Dave: Man!
That's gotta hurt.
[sighs]
Coach: Hustle!
Dave: Attaboy, Josh.
Come on!
Shake it off.
Pain is just fear leavin' your body, buddy.
You completely suck, Douglas.
Why do you even show up?
Everybody thinks you're a loser.
[barks, growls]
Thanks, pal.
Wish l could buy you an ice cream.
But I’ve got paws and, uh, don't have a wallet, because I’m actually nude right now.
[Tracy]
Football?
That's why you're not trying out?
[chuckles]
You hate football!
Josh: Shh!
I know, but my dad loves it.
You should hear him.
Ah, you're gonna be just like your old man. If l told him I wanted to do a musical instead, he'd, like, write me off as a son.
Dave: Aw, Josh.
Tracy: Josh, is your father a stupid man?
No.
But he is clueless, - which, in some ways, is better.
Dave: Oh, boy.
Josh: See, he told me I could only play if I keep my grades up.
So I started flunking math.
But he only let me off with a warning.
So now l gotta flunk English and maybe History and Home Ec, which is actually really hard to fail.
Dave: Aww, no, Josh.
Tracy: So you'd rather wreck your future than tell your dad you hate football?
Josh: I can get my grades back up, as long as he makes me quit in time.
Tracy: [scoffs]
Wow. Men are so complicated.
Come on.
Dave: How did I let this happen?
[stammers]
What kind of a father am I?
Carly: So?
What do you think of the new pamphlet?
Trey: It’s infuriating.
No, but in a good way.
Makes me wanna get out there and do something about animal testing.
The response I was hoping for.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, what're you doin' in my daughter's bedroom?
- You rock.
- [chuckles]
Don't even think about it, Trey.
Shaggy, stop.
What's that?
That's really well-done.
Admit it, this is more effective than a tattoo.
One thing l learned from Mr. Forrester is that just because something seems ridiculous doesn't mean that it's wrong.
It just takes more courage to stand up for it.
Dave: Wow, you really believe all of this.
I am so proud of you.
[giggles]
Shaggy, stop.
All right.
Down, boy.
Dave: Hey, easy on the hands, bud.
I mean, just imagine what would have happened if we hadn't stolen Shaggy from Grant & Strictland.
[Dave]
You what?
Stolen?!
You stole a dog from Grant & Strictland, and you lied about it.
Shaggy.
Shaggy, c'mon.
C'mon.
Go fetch, boy.
C'mon, boy.
I am not your boy, and I’m not gonna go...
Hey, l'll be right back.
[groans]
I’ve got to stop doing that.
Josh: I've got chills They're multiplyin'
And I'm losin' control…
[Dave]
Keep goin'.
What?
Why're you lookin' at me like that?
[Dave]
Hey, you're pretty darned good at this.
Hey, let's order some pizza.
Mom and Dad are out to dinner.
[Dave]
Dinner.
Oh, no.
I forgot about our anniversary!
[woman clears throat]
You should have brought a book.
The single woman's best friend.
Oh.
[laughs]
I’m not single.
Oh.
Yet.
[sighs]
[Percy Sledge: When a Man Loves a Woman]
I’m late, I’m late, I’m so late.
I am so late.
I’m also a dog.
So I can't go in there.
- [sighs]
- [Dave]
You are so beautiful.
Shaggy?
[Dave]
And I am so sorry, honey.
[thunder rumbles]
Happy anniversary.
It’s me.
I cannot believe that you stood me up for our anniversary dinner.
[sobbing]
And then you send the dog with roses in his mouth?
Are you trying to push me away?
[sighs]
We need to talk, but...
I don't know how we're gonna get past this one.
[Dave]
What?
Goodbye.
Honey, no.
Please don't cry.
It didn't used to be like this, Shaggy.
He used to be here for everything.
And if he couldn't be, then he would call, or he would send a note or flowers, or he'd...
Sometimes he would write these...
These funny little rhymes.
[sniffs]
[Dave whimpering]
[Rebecca crying]
Oh, Shaggy.
Don't you cry too.
Aww.
Is this how it ends?
[sniffs]
With him God-knows-where and me hugging the dog?
Dave: I’m gonna figure out what happened to me, and I’m gonna fix it.
And l'm gonna be a better man.
- [crying]
Oh.
- I love you.
[growling]
I love you.
Don't pee in the car, OK?
We're almost home.
[whimpering]
Hey, thanks, honey.
Oh, boy.
- This is just not workin'.
- [thunder rumbling]
I’m not a bad dog.
But I’m a terrible man.
I’ve got to make this better.
- [heartbeat accelerates]
- [dog barks echoing]
[thunder rumbles]
[door opens]
Hey, Ken, thanks for s...
Hey, hey, Dave.
It’s three in the morning, and you want a warrant to search Grant & Strictland?
- Right.
- They're the victims.
Listen, listen.
You gotta trust me on this.
Kozak is hidin' somethin'.
Forrester was framed for that arson.
If Forrester was framed, why'd he throw in the towel?
What...?
What're you talking about?
Forrester pleaded out.
Well, why didn't somebody tell me that?
- 'Cause you're off the case.
- You can't do this.
The jury convenes at ten to hear Forrester's plea.
I’ll handle it.
And I want you to either get your head screwed on straight or find another job.
Is that clear?
Abundantly clear.
However, the point I had to...
[sniffing]
[sniffing]
[whimpers]
[barking]
[screeching]
[all barking]
- What's gotten into them?
- I don't know.
Eh, boy.
Can't...
That's not gonna work.
I’m too big.
Hey, you.
Hold on a second.
Do me a favor.
All right?
Here.
All right.
Throw the stick, over there.
Why would I throw the stick?
Just throw the stick, please.
Why would I throw the stick?
Because I’ll give you $5 to throw the stick.
Oh, I look like a guy who needs 5 bucks.
Gimme the money.
- Speed or distance?
- Uh, distance.
[panting]
It’s so close.
It’s close.
This time, throw it and... and yell, ''Fetch!'' Don't make me bite ya.
Fetch!
Wow.
I can't believe that worked.
Thanks!
Whoa.
[grunts]
Drop the stick.
All right.
Perfect.
Nice fit.
[sniffs]
That's it, follow your nose.
Wait a minute.
[sniffs]
What's that smell?
What is it?
Oh, it's me.
[sighs]
The transistor.
The microchip.
The artificial heart.
All footnotes compared to this.
[coughing]
[coughing]
[Dave]
Bingo.
[coughs, wheezes]
- What's happening?
- He's going into shock.
It’s the serum.
It doesn't work.
- What do we do?
- Of course it works.
I just didn't give it to him.
- What have you done to him?
- [Kozak]
Lance?
Lance?
I’m so sorry that I had to do this to you, but I just couldn't let you take all the credit again.
And plus, you're a pig, and l hate you.
I hate you in so many ways.
Can you hold this for a second?
Get rid of it, accomplice.
[gasps]
Ah.
But is he... dead?
Kozak: No, he's not dead.
He's fully conscious, but he's unable to speak.
Doctors will think it's dementia.
The drug itself will wear off in a few months.
But by then I’ll be CEO, and I will be fabulously, insanely, unimaginably wealthy.
- This was not part of the plan.
- This is totally wrong.
Of course, l'll cut both of you in on his share.
- I’m cool with that.
- It’s fine by me.
Good.
Uh, Larry, why don't you wheel him up to his office, park him at his desk.
Or, uh, should I say, my desk?
[Dave]
Oh, boy.
Gotta get outta here.
Go, go, go, go, go!
- What was that?
- What was that?
Dave: I knew Kozak was up to something.
Carly was right about everything.
Forrester was framed.
[barks]
Uh-oh.
Looks like I’m walkin'.
Gwen: Wow.
Larry: That's somethin'.
That's...
Wow.
Do you realize the significance of that?
Wow.
You think?
Yeah, I think it's mildly significant.
Unfortunately, it's on tape.
So we...
[stammers]
[sighs]
I’ll tell you what we're gonna do.
You two are going to pay Mr. Douglas a visit.
[sighs]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
No, not my babies.
Not my darlings.
Oh, evil.
These hooligans!
[grunts]
Where's Trey?
We're gonna be late for school.
Shoulda gotten a ride from Mom.
What's the matter?
[sobs]
Do you realize what's happening?
Mom and Dad are splitting up.
How do you know?
[scoffs]
Josh, it's obvious.
[doorbell rings]
- [barks]
- Shaggy.
[Dave]
I witnessed an attempted murder.
You were right about everything.
An innocent man is about ready to go to jail.
I gotta take a nap.
Don't wake me unless I’m human.
l mean, did you see that note he left?
I’ll explain everything?
We're gonna get the talk.
What talk?
The Mom and Dad are having problems talk.
Then Dad'll leave.
[scoffs]
They'll say it's temporary, but it won't be.
Are you sure you're not just drama-queening?
Josh, he didn't even come home last night.
But if you ask me, he stopped caring a long time before that.
[Dave]
No, no, no, no.
No, that's not it.
No, no, no.
[Carly]
Shaggy.
Shaggy, would you stop making such a...?
That's impossible.
[Dave]
Finally.
How?
- [Josh]
Grant & Strictland?
- Yes.
Mr. Forrester said they were making mutant animals, and...
and that's where I found Shaggy.
And Shaggy bit Dad.
- [whimpers]
- [gasps]
Oh, Daddy!
[Dave]
It’s OK, kiddo.
It’s OK.
[crying]
I’m so sorry.
This is all my fault.
Can you please forgive me?
There's nothin' to forgive.
[crying]
I’m gonna go call Mom.
So you saw the game yesterday?
Yeah.
I didn't want to let you down, but I’m just no good.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are good.
- [ringing]
- Come on, come on.
Josh?
This...
There we go.
Lemme get in here.
Do this.
This is what you love.
'Cause if you keep playin' football, you're gonna get hurt.
Thanks, Dad.
[Dave]And somethin' else.
I know, I know.
- Deal?
- It’s a deal.
Mom, it's Carly.
Call me back as soon as you get this message.
Bye.
[Dave]
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?
Somebody's peein' on the lawn!
Nobody makes it on my lawn and gets away with it!
I’m gonna...
[grunts]
Oh!
Oh!
[woozy]
Clean up on aisle three.
Price check on dog biscuits.
OK.
Hi, Mr. Douglas.
- Who are you?
- How are ya?
[growls]
[mumbling]
Wait a second.
I don't...
I don't feel so good.
- Dad!
- Dad!
Daddy!
- Hit it.
- Yeah, OK.
[tires squealing]
I’m sorry you're a dog.
I am.
Also, very sorry that you won't be leaving here alive.
People will be wondering where you've disappeared to.
Then again...
...dogs do wander off.
[chuckles]
I can't believe you think you're gonna get away with this, Kozak.
Nonetheless, before you die, we're going to want to run some tests on you.
Eenie, meenie, minie, cut you, hurt you, ow, your nose is coming off.
Because we just don't understand how you turned into him.
- [barks]
- I’m very excited.
I can't wait to get inside that body of yours and just poke around.
Aah!
Oh, you filthy little mongrel!
[blows, pants]
That wasn't very nice.
[Dave]
That hurt, didn't it?
Gonna have to work on that attitude when I get back.
Meanwhile, we are gonna run upstairs for a minute.
It seems Dr. Strictland is having a bit of a health crisis.
And after that, we're off to court to watch Justin Forrester back down to save his own skin.
Be back to cut you up like a birthday cake later.
[chittering]
Huh.
Who are you, anyway?
[barking]
[Dave]
Tibet.
Really.
Well, let me ask you this: [barking]
Why did you bite me?
And turning me into a dog would help you...
how?
[whimpers]
I guess you didn't think about that, did you?
[barking, chittering]
Well, I turn into a human when I sleep, but there's no time for that now, is there?
There's gotta be another way.
[barking]
Meditation?
- Hey, sorry I’m late.
- Get in and drive.
- What's wrong with you?
- Dad's been dognapped.
Go, go!
[Dave]
Inhale, exhale.
I got to get my heart rate down.
[inhales, exhales]
I’m on a beach.
[echoing]
Inhale, exhale.
Surrounded by fire hydrants.
[deep breathing]
Food everywhere.
Slow rolling waves of gravy, crashing onto the shore.
The beached whale made of peanut butter.
[heartbeat slowing]
[Dave]
It worked.
It worked.
Great.
- [barks]
- I’m back.
It’s good, it's good.
[howling]
- New problem.
New problem.
- [barks]
[Dave]
Yeah.
I’ve got to get those keys.
Now if I could just get over there.
OK.
Yeah.
Go.
Go.
- Go.
- [creaking]
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no...
Oh!
Oh!
Oh.
[grunting]
Oh.
Oh, boy.
OK.
Who's got a plan?
Snake!
Do they have ears?
- [barking]
- Can you hear me?
- [barks]
- Don't need to show that hood at me.
You better watch 'cause it's gonna fall over.
All right, monkey.
[hooting]
Sorry, chimp.
You gotta push.
On three, ready?
One, two, three.
Push!
Harder this time.
One, two, three.
Push!
Dave: I need some help from the rabbits.
You gotta hop into this.
One, two, three.
Hop!
Aw, ya almost got it.
Ya almost got it.
One more time.
We got a big one.
Here we go.
One, two, three.
Hop!
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
[hooting]
Dave: Yo, snake!
Walk, skirt...
Do what...
Uh, you know, slither.
Go, go, go.
Come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Yeah, yeah.
Thattaboy, Thattaboy!
Do you see where it is?
'Course you do.
Perfect.
Stretch.
Reach up.
Up there, up there.
That's it, that's it, that's it.
[Dave chuckles]
Beautiful.
Yes!
We're outta here!
[all barking]
[grunts]
Up, up.
[Dave grunts]
[barks]
Yes!
You're next.
Follow the dog.
All right.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Up there.
Go!
Take care of the rabbit.
- [gas hissing]
- [belches]
[Dave]
Get it?
Help him out.
Easy, easy.
Come here.
Good.
[grunts]
There you...
Come on.
Go, go, go.
- [croaks]
- Come here.
Come here.
Come on.
Come here.
[grunting]
Jeez.
What have you been eatin'?
- [barks]
- [Dave]
Sorry about that.
All right, up here.
Up here.
Up...
Boy, you're heavy for a snake.
Come on.
Oh!
Oh!
Uh!
Ooh, yeah.
That's creepy.
That's...
That's creepy.
Whoo.
All right.
[Dave]
It’s a left, a left, a right and a left.
Just go towards the light.
I’ll meet you guys out there.
[electricity crackling]
- Nice.
- Thank you.
[barking]
[howls]
There he is!
Look!
Come here!
Come on, Dad!
Come on!
Come on, let's go!
We won't let them get away with it.
Don't worry.
- [barking]
- That's right.
You know, you guys seem like nice young people with great futures.
You know that I’m the deputy district attorney.
Kidnapping is a capital crime.
You just can't lock people in cages, guys.
Yeah, there's a definite...
line we're crossing here.
We crossed that line a long time ago, Larry.
Gwen: Deal with it.
Dave: You know, you're not gonna get away with this.
Gwen: Now...
...you be a good little doggy and do just what we say.
[The chimp takes the prod and shocks Gwen and Larry]
Dave: Doesn't feel so good to get zapped, does it?
Attaboy, chimp!
Good, now get over here and get me out of here.
Come on.
Put that thing down.
[Shaggy barks]
Carly: Please don't be mad, Daddy.
Don't worry, Dad.
We're gonna take you to Mom and explain everything.
[sighs]
He's really angry.
[animals chittering]
- All right.
We gotta go.
Do you know which way the door is?
All right.
Good, good, good.
Which way?
- Are you sure?
- [chimp chitters]
I like the dark travertine better.
What do you think?
I agree.
I’ll push for that one.
- Yeah.
- OK, good.
[barking]
Could you just excuse me for a minute?
I...
Oh, yeah, sure.
It’s tough bein' a single mom.
[sighs]
I’m not a single mom.
[Carly]
Mom, we need to talk.
Why aren't you guys in school?
And why is Shaggy here?
It’s not a dog.
It’s Dad.
I thought we were going to break it to her slowly.
Grant & Strictland's been doing these weird animal tests.
So when Shaggy bit Dad, he turned into a dog.
- Carly, that's not possible.
- It’s true.
I’m...
The computer.
The other night, he was typing on the computer.
Come on, Dad.
Type Mom a message.
Come on.
- [growling]
- Come on.
Come on, Dad.
Do it like you did the other night.
Come on.
You know, like this.
Just one sentence.
''I am Dad.'' - How 'bout just ''Dad''?
- [Rebecca sighs]
Kids...
...I know that these last couple days - have been difficult, but...
- [phone rings]
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- Hi, honey, it's me.
lt's your father.
Wow.
Uh, so many questions.
Do you know why the kids are at my office with Shaggy?
He's not Shaggy.
His name is Khyi Yag Po.
- Khyi Yag who?
- [barks]
[Dave]
Po, that's his real name.
You know, how did the kids find him?
That's weird.
That is not the only thing that's weird.
No, not that.
You oughta see what I’m lookin' at.
They're trying to tell me that he is you.
[Dave]
Stop that!
What are you doing?
Stop doing that, all right?
You, quiet down.
He's not...
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
He's not me.
Well, yes, I gathered that.
But they're half right.
Look, um, I’ll meet you at the courthouse, and I’ll explain everything to ya.
- [Rebecca]
You better explain it now.
- Well, I can't explain...
Hold on a sec.
I can't.
The chimp.
What?
Excuse me.
The monkey...
- [Rebecca]
Hello?
- What is it?
[squealing]
The chimp...
The chimp?
The chimp has got sunglasses on.
He's supposed to be givin’ me directions.
- [snarls]
- Honey, you gotta believe me.
- [barking]
- [panting]
[barking]
- I’ll meet you at the courthouse.
- What?
Just meet me at the courthouse and bring me some clothes, OK?
- Dave!
- Watch the rat!
I love you!
Everybody, calm down!
Dave!
What's the matter with you?
How come you can't act like the snake, right?
- [barks]
- Eh.
He wants us to meet him at the courthouse with clothes.
- I don't get it.
- It doesn't make any sense.
Two days ago, when your father came home in the middle of the night, he tried to convince me that...
...he'd turned into a dog.
- Let's go to the courthouse.
- Come on, come on.
That's my Norah Jones CD.
[Dave]
You can play it if you want.
Play it.
- [horn honking as the chimp throws the cd out the window]
- Or you could throw it out of the car.
Why'd you do that?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Everybody watch out, watch out!
[tires squealing]
- [Dave]
Ahh!
- [snarls]
Phew.
We're all done?
It’s OK.
Yeah, it's all right.
I know, l saw it coming.
[sighs]
All rise for the Honorable Judge Whittaker.
[bangs gavel]
[bailiff]
Be seated and come to order.
All right.
I gotta go, guys.
All right, you guys stay here.
All of you stay here.
Look, look.
I’ll be right back.
Don't talk to anybody.
Don't play the music, and, uh...
[to the chimp] You're in charge.
[heartbeat accelerates]
[Dave]
To infinity and beyond!
Do you guys think he's really coming?
I don't know, kids.
Wait, look!
[barking]
[Carly]
Daddy?
Is that you?
[Dave]
It’s me, kiddo.
But it can't be.
He's a dog.
[Dave]
Would a dog say this: [barking]
I love you.
What did you say?
[barking]
I love you.
- Oh, honey.
- [Dave]
You got it.
I love you too.
[Dave]
I love you.
It’s weird for me too.
But it is me.
That was cool.
And l'm real sorry about everything.
I’m really sorry.
And l'll make it up to all of you.
But right now, l've got a trial to stop.
[Trey]
Uh, Mr. Douglas?
Yeah.
- Ooh.
- No, I can't go.
[chuckles]
Everyone's gonna need therapy after this.
[A woman standing nearby is wishing she hadn’t seen Dave naked]
Good luck, honey.
Counselors, you may proceed.
Your Honor, at this time, my client would like to change his plea.
Hold everything, please.
Hold everything.
[crowd murmuring]
Dave: Kozak, sit.
[Judge Whittaker]
Mr. Douglas, it is my understanding that you are no longer on this case.
Ken: That is exactly right.
Dave: I understand, Your Honor.
If I could just have a few moments with my associate.
It’s very important.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Give me a chance.
Give me one more chance.
I will not disappoint you.
Stay, Kozak!
You gotta trust me.
If you ever trusted me, you gotta trust me right this minute.
- He's back on, Your Honor.
- [sighs]
We...
Let's get Kozak back on the stand one more time.
Let me handle it.
[clears throat]
We'd like to recall Dr. Kozak to the stand.
[Judge Whittaker]
Dr. Kozak, would you please return to the stand.
Uh, I’d be, uh, delighted.
Counselor, you are on a very short leash.
This court has lost all patience with ridiculous behavior.
Your Honor, just because something looks ridiculous doesn't mean it's not true.
Just takes more courage to believe in it.
Just don't let your courage get itself kicked out of my courtroom.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Whittaker: Dr. Kozak, may I remind you you are still under oath.
Yes, you may.
Dr. Kozak, is it true your company is workin' on a drug that will extend human life like a hundred years?
I am not at liberty to discuss that matter.
Of course you're not.
But if that were true, that would be a pretty big deal, right?
Ah, ''were true,'' which it is not, probably.
And whoever was in charge of developing such a thing...
Whoo!
Not only would they be insanely wealthy, they would be immortalized in history, right?
[chuckles]
Yes, I suppose they would.
Wow.
Wow.
What a thrill it must be to work under Dr. Strictland.
[sniffs]
'Scuse me.
Dr. Strictland, the creative force at your company, right?
Well, it takes many different people to contribute to the higher...
[babbles]
[Dave]
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
But what an honor it must be to work in Dr. Strictland's shadow.
I don't work in anyone's shadow.
I wouldn't.
I couldn't live with myself.
There's nothing wrong being in second place.
Second fiddle, second banana, second up.
I am the chief scientist.
i, me, mine!
[growls]
[Dave]
Ho!
Come on.
Gettin' kinda agitated.
What's up, dog?
Pick up a little virus down there in the lab, did ya?
Must be something going around.
[growling]
[both growling, snarling]
[Judge Whittaker]
No more growling.
Mr. Douglas, l have had enough.
He stole a sacred dog from China, stuck needles in it and almost killed this thing for his little experiments!
- The witness is not on trial.
- Thank you.
You put your boss in a coma.
Escort Mr. Douglas out of the courtroom.
You set that fire to cover up your crime!
He set that fire, and you're trying...
You're trying to frame Forrester for it!
I’ve seen that monkey that barks!
It’s real!
They've also got this rabbit they taught how to fetch!
- He does!
- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please disregard everything Mr. Douglas has said.
- [sighs]
- Hey!
Kozak!
Kozak!
Kozak!
Go fetch!
Mmm!
[pants]
[crowd murmuring]
[growling]
[panting]
Sorry, uh, things are a little stressy at work, long hours and the like.
What?
What?
- [crowd gasping]
- What?
- Oh!
- [crowd gasping as Kodak sports a bushy tail]
[Kozak grunts]
Whoo!
[Dave]
If that isn't evidence of genetic mutation, I don't know what is!
On second thought, bailiff, take him into custody.
For what?
Shufflin' around a little DNA?
Huh?
Don't you morons realize I can make us all immortal?
Animals don't even understand what's goin' on!
Don't tell me they don't understand.
Animals understand.
I know different.
Yeah, you know.
[chuckles]
This isn't over.
We got so much in common.
Let's stay in touch, huh?
[growls]
Ooh!
Are we goin' outside?
[chuckles]
I owe you an apology.
You got this one right, after all.
Thank you, Ken.
I don't even wanna know how that car got here.
[chimpanzee hooting]
- Would...?
- [Dave]
All right, boss, I want you to set up a trust fund to help my animal friends there.
- Keep 'em off the highway.
- [Ken]
Absolutely.
After today, ace, you're a shoo-in to get elected DA.
- [chuckles]
- Take your kudos.
I have some more important people to talk to.
-I'll see ya.
- Dave, congratulations on the case.
Thank you very much.
No, thank...
You know what?
I will have a prepared statement from my office.
Thank you all.
[barking]
- Hey.
- Mm.
You made a great dog, Dad.
But you're gonna make an even better DA.
Carly, it means the world to me to hear you say that.
It really does.
Josh, listen.
[sighs]
It took the eyes of a dog for me to see that I made it hard for you to tell the truth.
The truth is, son, whatever you love I’m gonna love and support too.
Thanks, Dad.
[laughing]
Hey.
Brace yourself for the old dog in your new man.
Yeah.
Get out that new bikini.
We are goin'...to Oahu.
Mm, Oahu.
I love you.
I love you too.
Just like I promised.
Hey, you guys, check it out!
- What's that?
- [gasps]
Will you look at that.
[The Beach Boys: Surfin' USA]
- [barking]
Dave: Look at that.
Hey, folks, that is a 300-year-old dog shootin' a curl.
Attaboy!
[barking, howling]
Rebecca: Oh, I wish he didn't have to go back to Tibet.
Dave: Yeah.
Josh: Hey, Dad!
Catch! [Throws the frisbee; Dave runs after it]
Dave: Oh!
Oh, oh, oh!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I got it!
[Credits roll]
Category:Transcripts
Category:Disney Transcripts