Squidward vs The Forces of Evil

Squidward VS The Forces of Evil is the thirty-eighth episode of Cult of Squid. It aired September 18th, 2020, and was written by and .
== Transcript ==
(Special begins with a shot of Satan in Hell, sitting on his throne made from human skulls, pondering something with an angered expression on his face)
Satan: That cult has been nothing but a NUISANCE to me this past year! I need to get rid of them, once and for all! But how? HOW?!
(a demon comes into Satan's throne room, holding Zomp and Adolf Hitler. Hitler is shouting incomprehensible German in anger.)
Demon: Satan, what should we do with these guys? You've left Zomp here for a month, and-
Satan: Let them free, I don't care!
(They both disappear in flames)
Demon: uh, sir, you just released Hitler.
Satan: what's the worst that could happen?
(Cut to show the present day a year later, where Nazi Germany rises again. Cut back) 
(Suddenly, the 7 Deadly arrive via clouds of black smoke, and they are visibly very injured)
Wrath: I CAN'T BELIEVE WE WERE BEATEN! (punches the wall 3 times, making the whole room shake)
Satan: WRATH! CALM DOWN! why are you guys here?
Pride: Well, we were completely beaten by those Cult freaks! AGAIN!
Satan: For shame, you 2- er, 7! I trained you to be unbeatable!
Sloth: I'm fine with never trying to do that again and just laying here for the rest of my days.
Gluttony: me two!
Greed: me three!
Satan: shut up! Can't an all-powerful demon think of a way to destroy the Cult in peace?
Wrath: how are MORTALS able to beat UNSTOPPABLE DEMONS?
Satan: Let's think. What do they have that we don't?
Pride: they have weapons specifically designed to beat demons! And those demon bullets (dolphin sound) HURT LIKE HELL! 
(Laugh track and clapping)
Satan: Where did-
Wrath: But we have an all-powerful arsenal of weapons! How the Hell do we keep losing?
(Laugh track is louder)
Satan: THAT'S IT! we gotta make ARMOR! and also we gotta bring our WEAPONS! That's why we've been beaten countless times!
Greed: but that'll cost so much MONEY!
Satan: I'm a fallen angel sir, i can make money appear anytime i want! (Snaps his finger, and the room is flooded with $100 bills) Plus, we dont even have to spend a penny! We just need to ask our hellsmith!
Greed: Sir our hellsmith went missing following Zomp’s attack.
Satan: Oh. Well his arsenal is still there, right?
Greed: Yes. 
Satan: Choose weapons and bring the seven to destroy the cult once and for all. I assume you’ve all been charging by soul feeding?
Greed: I love me a good soul. Almost as much as i love a good patty! 
Wrath: shut up, Greed.
(Satan’s throne erupts into flames and the seven scatter; cut to Doctor Crayons working on some sort of box)
Squidward: Hey, Doctor Crayons, is my backscratcher done?
Dr Crayons: I just need to make the final touches.
Squidward: how complicated can it be to make a damn backscratcher?
Dr Crayons: Well, I made it out of an old spatula i Found on the ground. (He holds up the hydrodynamic spatula)
Squidward: where have I seen that spatula before? (it spins rapidly and slaps him in the face numerous times) Woah, I just got intense Deja Vu, man.
(Suddenly, a loud beeping is heard in the lab, making Squidward cover his ears and fall to the ground)
Squidward: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT, AND WHY IS IT SO (dolphin sound) LOUD! (groans in pain)
Dr Crayons: that's my Demon Warning siren. I made it for whenever a demon approaches the Lodge. I test it every month, and everyone hears it.
(Cut to the main Lodge room where many cultists are screaming in pain, with most of them having bloody ears. Cut back)
Squidward: It'll take forever to get the ringing out of my ear! 
Crayons: Don't worry, Brother Squidward, it was only a test. We're in no real harm.
(The beep is heard again and Squidward's ear bursts out blood as he screams in pain)
Crayons: wait a minute, why did it go off a second time? That shouldn't happen…
Noseward: What the Hell was that HORRIBLE NOISE?! 
Crayons: Well uh-
(Noseward faints after the buzzer goes off a third time, making Squidward's head explode. Crayons uses a machine to put it back)
Crayons: something's wrong, it's not supposed to go off 3 times!
Squidward: what does it mean when it does?
Crayons: Well, that probably means… oh GOD no!
Squidward: what do-
(The buzzer does off multiple times in a row, making Squidward fall to the ground in pain once again)
Crayons: DEMONS ARE COMING! DEAR GOD, THE DEMONS ARE GONNA DESTROY US!
Squidward: (holding back the pain, bleeding from the ears) how, long, do, we, (suddenly flinches in pain) got?
Crayons: let me calculate, and- (interrupted by the beeping) God, that's annoying. Anyway, i gotta- (interrupted again) i gotta- (interrupted again) I gotta turn this stupid thing off. (Hits a big button on the wall, turning the siren off) anyway, I gotta Calculate how long we've got to prepare. (Goes to a large computer, hitting multiple keys, and hitting enter) hmm, says here we've got exactly… one hour.
Squidward: one (flinches in pain once again) hour? (Slowly stands up)
(Security runs into the lab)
Security: guys, 2 things- one, what the hell was that damn beeping, and 2, a large, dark cloud is heading our way!
Crayons: oh, come on, i demonstrated the buzzer to you all LAST DAMN WEEK! how do you not know about it?
(Flashback to the lecture mentioned, where Crayons is demonstrating the buzzer and everyone looks bored, not paying attention at all. Cut back)
Security: not our fault you're so boring. (Slaps knee and laughs, making Crayons blow his head up with a raygun in anger, which regenerates almost instantly) ow.
Initiator: (offscreen) GUYS!
(The Initiator suddenly runs in)
Squidward: where did you-
Initiator: Guys, did anyone else notice that dark cloud slowly approaching us?
Crayons: yeah, it's literally a demon cloud. Did you not hear the siren?
Initiator: what siren?
Crayons: allow me to demonstrate. (About to press the Siren Button, but Squidward shouts "NO" and slaps his hand) Ow!
Initiator: hmm, Demon Cloud, eh? When will they arrive?
Crayons: exactly 1 hour from now.
Initiator: We'd better train! We can't be caught unprepared! Though that is one slow as hell demon cloud.
(Laugh track)
Security: Yeah, why are they so damn slow?
(Laugh track)
Crayons: I don't know, maybe they're lazy. We don't have time for messing around. We've gotta train, damnit!
(Laugh track)
Crayons: uh, just a second. (Laugh track continues as Crayons pushes a button that immediately turns it off)
Security: we only have an hour to train? That's nothing. I once got years worth of training in 5 minutes. Leave the training to me, and I'll make these pathetic weaklings into fighting machines!
Cultist: who you calling a pathetic weakling?
Security: Most of you can't even open a can of soda by yourselves.
Cultist: it's harder than it looks!
(A cult member behind him opens a soda with no effort, making the cultist nervously laugh)
Security: ALRIGHT MAGGOTS! TIME TO TRAIN!
cultist: did he just call us maggots? (He gets slapped by Security) ow.
(Fade to a shot of the entire Cult in a training room, doing various training exercises)
Brother Squidward: (walks in) how's training going?
Security: pretty good. Only 10 cultists have died so far.
(Squidward double takes after hearing that)
Noseward: Security, how much are these training exercises costing us?
Security: about $5 mil.
Squidward: $5 MIL?! THAT'S ALL THE MONEY WE HAD LEFT!
Security: Oh right. Uh. Well that’s quite the pickle.
(Squidward tackles Security and starts choking him when the doors break off their hinges)
Squidward: OH SHIT, THE DEMONS ARE HERE!
Security: that's just the pizza i ordered.
Squidward: oh.
(The pizza man is immediately killed after the demon cloud flies into the room)
Initiator: THEY'RE HERE!
(all the cutlists run around in panic)
(Suddenly, the 7 deadly, alongside various other demons, emerge from the demon cloud)
Wrath: SURPRISE!
Squidward: YOU AGAIN?!
Crayons: Who again?
Wrath: the 7 Deadly, you f(dolphin noise) moron.
Crayons: what're you doing here again?
Pride: Satan sent us down here to try and destroy you again. And this time, we're prepared!
(Each of the 7 Deadly take out a weapon)
Squidward: WEAPONS?! Dr. Crayons, we still have our demon weapons, right?
Crayons: they were destroyed with the Lodge, Brother Squidward.
Squidward: can't you build new ones?
Crayons: No I can't just build a new one! These things take months to make!
Squidward: if you can't build new ones, we're screwed, man! 
Crayons: AUGH!
Pride: Well well well, looks like an easy encounter here.
Sloth: Yeah, the boss asked us to wipe you guys out!
Pride: Sloth! Shut up!
Sloth: I’m sorry.
Wrath: YOU ALL MUST NOW DIE!
Pride: Wrath, stop getting ahead of yourself. We’re the bad guys here remember? We need to now go on our long monologue-
Lust: To metaphorical hell with it, GET THEM!
(The demons start attacking random cult members)
Noseward: SQUIDWARD WHAT DO WE DO!
Squidward: Uhhh, uhhhh, UHHHHH-
Security: Hey Noseward wait a second, do you remember ANYTHING from the book about how to stop a demon?
Noseward: I think there was something in there called a devil’s trap, but it takes time to make and I don’t recall what it looks like.
Crayons: Wait a minute! didn’t we paint one under the rug downstairs when Satan launched his assault a few months ago?
Noseward: No-wait, yes! 
Security: I’ll go check if it’s still there.
Squidward: I’ll hold them off, Security give me your rock salt gun.
Security: Alright!?
(A lightbulb appears above Squidward)
Squidward: that's exactly it! We need to lure them to it somehow!
Crayons: but how?
(Cut to a shot of Wrath pointing his gun)
Wrath: HERE COMES THE PAIN! (laughs maniacally, charging up his gun)
Pride: WRATH, WAIT-
Wrath: SHUT UP! THESE STUPID ASSHOLES NEED TO DIE! (laughs even harder as Squidward and Crayons slowly backs away in fear)
Squidward: we need to think of a way to get them there and fast!
Crayons: we just need to stay here and wait.
Squidward: ARE YOU MAD! WE'RE GONNA DIE IF-
Crayons: trust me! Just stand and wait here!
Squidward: YOU'RE INSANE!
Crayons: Yes, your point being?
(Cut back to Wrath)
Wrath: I'M GONNA ENJOY WATCHING YOUR BLOOD STAIN THE WALLS! (laughs as the gun starts shaking and sparking, and in a blinding white light, the gun explodes, injuring Wrath)
Pride: WRATH! GOD DAMNIT, THAT IDIOT NEVER LISTENS!
(cut to Squidward)
Crayons: see, the guns would've overheated given enough charging time, causing an explosion! I know this from a personal experience.
Squidward: so how do we get these other guys to the trap?
Crayons: we've got to lure them in!
(The Initiator appears)
Initiator: Oh hey guys.
Squidward: Hi?! Where the HECK do you keep coming from?!
Initiator: (looks directly at camera) I’ll never tell.
Squidward: What are you doing here?
Initiator: Distraction.
(The Initiator throws a flash grenade and gets all of the demons attention but accidentally blinds his cult brothers)
Buff Jim: MY GOD I CANT SEE! (Screams so loud the 7 Deadly all cover their ears)
Pride: WHAT IS THAT SHRILL ABOMINATION WHICH INSULTS MY EARDRUMS?
Lust: oh, look at you, using fancy words!
Pride: shut up, Lust! Stop them!
Greed: Hey wait since when were you in charge?
Pride: Greed I’ve always been in charge you DUMBASS. 
Greed: That’s not very nice. 
Sloth: Guys, quit arguing! they’re clearly attempting to trap us inside of that devil’s trap painted there!
(Everyone looks at Sloth)
Pride: what's a devil's trap?
(As Sloth is explaining, Pride and Envy charge out after the cult brothers but get stuck inside the trap)
Sloth: There you go. That's what you get for not listening to me.
(Pride tries escaping but is stopped by a invisible barrier)
Pride: What’s this? AGH!
Greed: Pride, you idiot!
(The Initiator appears behind Lust and begins saying an exorcism spell)
Lust: How the heck do you know that?
Initiator: I picked it up in Latin class.
Lust: I always hated Latin classes, and to an extent Latin people.
(Lust flicks the Initiator backwards into a conveniently placed hole in the floor)
Buff Jim: The renovations weren’t done!
Squidward: Okay, we trapped two of them, what about the other five?
Crayons: Hmmmmm-
(Wrath lifts Crayons off the floor using his non-broken arm)
Wrath: MY PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING! BUT I CAN STILL BEAT THE HELL OUT OF- (the weight of Crayons ends up making his broken foot collapse, breaking his back) STUPID USELESSS MEAT SUIT!
(Wrath’s true form escapes from the vessel “meat suit”, revealing the demon to be a cloud of red smoke that vanishes into the ground)
Pride: DON’T RUN YOU FOOL! 
Wrath: Im taking a vacation! 
Glutton: I didn't know we could take vacations?
Pride: we can't. I don't know how the Hell he did that.
Envy: I always resented that stupid piece of shit.
Greed: I’LL KILL THEM ALL!
(Glutton tries to jump but fails)
Greed: F(Dolphin noise) SHIT! I HAVE TOO MUCH MONEY IN MY POCKET! (takes out 10 bags of money from his pocket)
Lust: What was that?
Pride: you are so useless, Greed! Almost as useless as Sloth!
Sloth: at least I don't stare at a mirror for 11 hours a day!
Pride: Hey, f(dolphin noise) you, man! (Flips him off)
(While the sins are arguing, Pride notices Squidward and the cult have been painting a larger devil’s trap around the entire room)
Pride: GUYS! GUYS! STOP BICKERING!
Greed: shut up, Pride!
(Squidward activates the trap)
Pride: EVERYONE SHUT UP!!!!!!!!
Lust: what do you want- (notices they're trapped) God damnit.
Crayons: good job, Brother Squidward!
Squidward: so, what do we do with these guys?
Initiator: observe. (Starts chanting, causing the whole room to glow red and shake. The circle turns a deep red color as it turns into a circle of flames. Heavy winds start to blow, and as he stops chanting, the flames die out, and the 7 Deadly are gone) 
Squidward: how'd you do that? (Initiator is nowhere in sight)
Buff Jim: He always does weird stuff like that. 
Squidward: Oh. Wait, he dropped something here. (Sees a long red blade on the floor, and when he tries to pick it up, it burns his hand) OW! SWEET NEPTUNE, THAT'S HOT!
Crayons: let me help! (Touches it, is burnt too) ow! You weren't kidding! It's almost like this blade was from Hell itself! With the right modifications, I could turn this into the perfect demon-killing machine!
Squidward: (sucking on burnt hand, takes hand out of mouth) you think so?
(Crayons put on heat proof gloves and picks the blade up)
Crayons: I'll do some tests on this in the lab! (Runs off)
Squidward: HEY! CAN'T YOU TREAT MY BURNS!
(camera moves to reveal the Lodge door is wide open, and a black figure was watching them talk. Cut to the outside, where the figure clenches his fists in frustration, and runs off to a random house in the middle of nowhere. The camera zooms out and the episode goes to black)
== Trivia ==
* The title of the special references Star Vs. The Forces of Evil.
* The special was originally set to release September 3rd, but was delayed to September 10th and eventually released September 18th.
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