Nonces' Night Out

Nonces' Night Out is the 20th episode of The World of SBFW and the eighth episode of season two.
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins with an exterior shot of the World of SBFW prison. Two guards are roaming the hallways.]
Prison Guard 1: Jesus Phil, I haven't seen the prison this packed since the No Nut November incident of 2020.
Prison Guard 2: Yeah, a lot of drama's been going on in The World of SBFW recently, but I mean when is it not?
Prison Guard 1: Amen.
Prison Guard 2: Also the massive influx of sex offenders might have something to do with it.
[A third prison guard walks in, dragging a new prisoner in his arms.]
Ken Stringfellow: I SAY LOVER REVEAL LOVE NEVER CONCEAL LOVE!!!!!!!! I WANTTTTTTTTTT YOU STILLL-
[Ken gets thrown into a cell.]
Prison Guard 3: New prisoner just dropped.
[Pan over to another prison cell.]
Fishpenisfish: I AM IN YOUR WALLS TEAR DOWN YOUR WALLS
Prison Guard 3: Love you too, bestie!
Prison Guard 1: Jesus Christ.
[Cut to one of the cells, where we see some very familiar sex offenders making plans to escape.]
Mr. Renaud: Alright, fellow MAPs, I think we're just about ready to commence Operation Little Boy.
Mr. Gus: I like little boys.
Mr. Krabs: I still think we should have gone with my name for the operation.
Mr. Renaud: Shut up, necrophile.
Mr. Krabs: Hey, you guys like little kids!
Mr. Gus: And we're PROUD of it, Eugene!
PoopFan: Yeah!
Mr. Krabs: …PoopFan? The bloody hell are you doing here?
PoopFan: Well, it is simple. I am a pedophile.
Mr. Renaud: PoopFan, I'll let you off gently because you're clearly not up to speed, but we MAPs don't use that slur anymore. It's offensive to our sexuality. Grooming and trafficking young children is a very healthy and valid lifestyle.
PoopFan: I'm sorry. It's true though, I am a pedop- MAP, I mean, sorry.
Mr. Gus: Aw, I liked the chain of all the nonces here being "Mr."s, but you just had to go and ruin it, didn't you PoopFan?
Mr. Renaud: That's enough, lads. It's time to commence our escape plan. It's gonna be like Call the Cops, except with us.
Mr. Gus: What's Call the Cops?
Mr. Renaud: Dead, that's what it is.
[A sad Primitive is heard crying off-screen.]
PoopFan: Rest in piss.
Mr. Renaud: Alright, alright, that's enough. Time to commence.
[The group does hands in the middle and yells their mantra.]
All: [pedophile mantra go here]
[Pan over to the guards from earlier, looking at the sex offenders.]
Prison Guard 1: Not suspicious at all.
Prison Guard 2: AMOGUS REFERENCE?
Prison Guard 1: Kill yourself, Phil.
Prison Guard 2: Well if you say so.
[Prison Guard 2 takes a gun out from his belt and shoots himself in the mouth, effectively killing him.]
Prison Guard 1: JESUS CHRIST I DIDN'T ACTUALLY THINK HE'D- I DIDN'T KNOW HE WOULD TAKE MY ADVICE AND- OH MY GOD.
Prison Guard 3: rip bozo
[Pan over to the cell, revealing that the nonces have escaped. Zoom into a window, where we can see them escaping into the sunset.]
Mr. Renaud: WE DID IT, BOYS, AND ALSO POOPFAN!
PoopFan: Society, here we come!
Mr. Gus: Little kids, here we come!
Mr. Krabs: Corpses, here I come!
Others: Ew.
Mr. Krabs: You guys screw little kids.
Mr. Gus: We have standards.
Mr. Renaud: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. We're free men, and also PoopFan, now. All we need to do is-
[Suddenly a massive spotlight is lit upon the group.]
Police: PUT YOUR HANDS UP! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST!
PoopFan: Haven't we already been arrested though–
Mr. Renaud: RUN, LADS! AND ALSO POOPFAN!
[An action-packed chase sequence begins, with the nonces dodging bullet fire and various explosions going off in the background.]
Mr. Gus: Do you guys have anything we can use to throw them off our trail?!
PoopFan: Not to worry, fellow pedos–
Mr. Renaud: MAPs!!
PoopFan: I have planted various bombs in the officers' vehicles. It's just a matter of pressing… (he takes out a remote control with a large red button) this red button.
[PoopFan presses the red button. Nothing happens.]
Mr. Renaud: …Where's the kaboom?
PoopFan: Wait… I think I left the explosives in the–
[The entire fucking prison blows up.]
PoopFan: …did I do that?
[Laugh track.]
In a world where SpongeBob fanfiction is just grand,
And degeneracy runs rampant all throughout the land
Let me greet you a world full of splendor and misery
The World of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki…
A world where the villain of the First World War is named Golf
Zoltan's got nothing under there 'cause Dan chopped 'em off
Biggest company, last name Productions, first name Box
I promise you that S-B-F-W will rock your socks
Jasbre, he's a crooked duck, and AceBlueWolfe's falling in love
Prim and Polar wrote this show, but writing a theme song was tough
Aaron, Travis, Kelpy, Purple, Liz, it's never enough
Viewer discretion advised - in this world, it can get real rough
But if you'd want to follow through and see what antics await you
Then keep on watching, I dare you
The Woooooorld of SBFW!
[Cut to SBFW Street. The nonces are hiding behind a dumpster.]
Mr. Gus: Are they gone?
Mr. Krabs: I think… so.
Mr. Renaud: Lads… (he rips off his prisoner outfit) we're free MAPs!
[The others rip off their outfits as well and cheer. Mr. Krabs rips his outfit off too much, making him now butt-naked.]
Mr. Krabs: LET'S ALL GO TO THE CEMETERY!
Mr. Gus: I thought we all agreed on the elementary school. I heard there was an influx of underage users.
PoopFan: I wanted to go to the playground.
Mr. Renaud: Ooh! Great idea. It's getting around closing times for schools anyway.
PoopFan: No I meant I just really wanted to go on the seesaw.
Mr. Krabs: Well I'd really like to see some corpses right about now!
Mr. Gus: Are you actually a MAP or are you just a necrophile?
Mr. Krabs: Well, more of the latter. I guess I have–
Ken Stringfellow: …concealed your love for little kids?
Mr. Renaud: STRINGFELLOW?! How'd you escape the prison?
Ken Stringfellow: The whole joint blew up. The feds were all chasing you, so from there it was just an easy walk back here.
PoopFan: The prison blew–?! Oohhhhhhh. Yeah that was me.
Mr. Gus: How did you survive? Actually, I don't wanna know. 
[The joke is the writers have no fucking idea.]
Mr. Gus: Shame for everyone else though.
Ken Stringfellow: Actually, they all escaped too.
Mr. Renaud: Wait… so all the sex offenders are free?
Ken Stringfellow: Yuh.
Mr. Renaud: (grinning) Lads, I think it's time we had a little bit of fun.
Mr. Gus: (rubbing his hands together like a James Bond villain) Oh yeah…
[Cut to the gang at a Charlie Puth concert.]
Charlie Puth: KIDS TURN ME ON LIKE A LIGHT SWITCH! THE WAY YOU'RE MOVING YOUR BODY ROUND AND AROUND!
Mr. Krabs: Woo! This was a great idea, Paul.
Mr. Renaud: Thanks.
Ken Stringfellow: It would have been better if we went to one of my concerts…
Mr. Gus: How'd you get these tickets on such short notice though?
Mr. Renaud: Found them in a trashcan.
[laugh track]
PoopFan: Hi I'm still here. Not gonna lie I had something else in mind when you said we were gonna have "a little bit of fun", Paul.
Mr. Renaud: What did you have in mind, PoopFan?
PoopFan: Well uh… you know how we're sex offenders and all that?
Mr. Gus: Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
PoopFan: Don't you think we should… oh, I don't know… offend sex?
Mr. Renaud: Oh right.
Mr. Gus: Yeah, sure.
Ken Stringfellow: We should probably do that.
Mr. Krabs: I'll grab the shovel.
[Cut to SBFW Street, where we see who else but Peter Griffin and his lovable dog Brian taking a walk. Stewie follows close behind.]
Peter Griffin: Brian, have you ever thought about how we're basically main characters in this show now?
Brian Griffin: Not really.
Stewie Griffin: Well I personally ponder about it quite often. As a matter of fact, I think it's simply preposterous. I mean, this is a SpongeBob fanfiction website and half the content on it barely has anything to do with SpongeBob! Take SBFW: Finding Bigfoot for example.
Brian Griffin: Aw, I liked that one. It had Mr. Krabs in one episode.
Stewie Griffin: Okay, fair point.
[The pedophile gang pop out from behind a bush, watching the three Griffins walk along the street.]
Mr. Gus: There he is - our first victim.
Mr. Krabs: Stewie Griffin? Really?
Mr. Renaud: What? We like them young, and you can't go younger than him.
Ken Stringfellow: Well you could. We just haven't figured out how to fuck a fetus yet.
PoopFan: Don't worry lads, I've got the perfect plan.
[Cut back to the Griffins. An ice cream van drives by them.]
Peter Griffin: AN ICE CREAM VAN?! Can I get one, guys?
Stewie Griffin: Of course, Dad, go right ahead.
Brian Griffin: Get me one of those Sonic the Hedgehog popsicles while you're at it. 
Stewie Griffin: And I'll have a Peppa Pig one. I like Peppa Pig.
Peter Griffin: Aw, let's just all go. Touch some grass, y'know? It's a nice day.
[The group approach the van. Mr. Renaud pops out from behind the window.]
Mr. Renaud: Hey there unsuspecting kiddo- I mean, paying customers. How would you all like some ice cream that takes an awfully long time to prepare so the rest of my group can sneak up on you?
Peter Griffin: Yeah, can I have one Sonic, one Peppa, and one SpongeBob for me? I like to post the ones I get on the Internets so people can laugh at them.
Mr. Renaud: You're so funny and original. Just give me a second.
Peter Griffin: Sweet!
[Mr. Renaud slams the ice cream truck window shut.]
Mr. Renaud: Okay, they think we're getting the ice cream now. One of you guys sneak up and get the baby.
Mr. Krabs: Can we also grab the man?
Mr. Renaud: What? Why?
Mr. Krabs: Just look at the size of him! He'll die of a heart attack within the next week for sure, and then daddy can go to town!
Ken Stringfellow: Well I'd quite like to grab the dog, actually.
Mr. Gus: Oh great, one of us is a zoophile now.
Ken Stringfellow: And that's not even the worst of it!
PoopFan: Can't we just stick to my original plan?
Mr. Renaud: Okay, you know what? Fine. If it makes you all happy, we'll just grab all of them.
[Cut back to the Griffins patiently waiting for their popsicles.]
Brian Griffin: Wow, the man was right. It really does take a long time to prepare.
Peter Griffin: Yeah, I sure hope they aren't planning to jump us or something like that!
[We see the sex offenders sneaking up on the Griffins.]
PoopFan: (quietly) Okay, guys… on the count of three.
Mr. Gus: I like that number.
PoopFan: One, two–
[We hear someone sprinting. Everyone looks backwards to see EB sprinting at the ice cream van.]
EB: NO MORE ICE CREAM TRUCKS!!
[EB roadhouse kicks the ice cream van and sends it flying.]
EB: (to the audience) Roadhouse.
Mr. Gus: (accidentally a little too loudly) Looks like Paul is blasting off again.
[The Griffins see the sex offenders.]
Mr. Gus: Aw shi–
PoopFan: Don't mind us!! We're just paying customers lining up to get an ice cream. Well at least, we were but, y'know…
Peter Griffin: Oh yeah don't worry we understand. (to Stewie and Brian) Come on, guys.
Stewie Griffin: But I never got my Peppa Pig popsicle!
[Stewie starts crying; Peter picks him up and walks off with Brian.]
EB: Stupid ice cream truck. (walks off too)
Ken Stringfellow: Drats! Foiled again.
Mr. Krabs: Is Paul all right? (to himself) Hopefully not.
PoopFan: We'd best check and see.
Mr. Gus: You know, for a The World of SBFW episode, there has been a suspicious lack of… y'know, SBFW users.
Mr. Krabs: It's No Nut November, me boy, cut them a break.
PoopFan: Man it's a good thing that doesn't apply to us sex offenders! Or else for an entire month we'd have to be… (shudders) functioning members of society.
Ken Stringfellow: What do you mean? I- I'm a- I'm a functioning member of society, I function within society.
Mr. Krabs: Barely.
[Cut to the sex offenders at the place where the ice cream van landed. The van has been reduced to scrap from the impact.]
PoopFan: We can just iron this out, right?
Mr. Krabs: Well I ain't paying for any repairs. This cost me a whole ten bucks at the Vehicles For Sketchy Criminals Warehouse.
Mr. Gus: You guys?
Mr. Krabs: What?
Mr. Gus: …Mr. Renaud?
Mr. Krabs: Oh right, that's why we came here.
[The sex offenders lift the scrap off of Mr. Renaud.]
Mr. Renaud: (coughs) My leg…
Mr. Gus: You okay, bud?
Mr. Renaud: Yeah, just a little scratch.
Mr. Gus: Really?
Mr. Renaud: No, I broke my colon but I'm sure I can walk it off. Did you get the kid?
Mr. Krabs: The kid?
Mr. Renaud: Yeah, the little guy in the overalls. Please tell me you got him.
[The nonces all look at eachother.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh for God's sake! We were supposed to get the kid!
Mr. Gus: Eh, plenty of fish in the sea anyway.
PoopFan: One born every minute.
Mr. Renaud: I hate you guys.
Mr. Gus: Look, we just wanted to make sure you were okay, alright?!
Mr. Krabs: I didn't.
Mr. Gus: We can get some other kid if it really means that much to you.
Mr. Renaud: Of course it means that much to me! What did you think we broke out of prison for?
PoopFan: I still want to go to the playground.
Mr. Krabs: There's a cemetery just a block away from here.
Ken Stringfellow: Lads? Remember how I said the other sex offenders escaped?
PoopFan: Oh yeah I almost forgot about that.
[Ken Stringfellow points over to SBFW Street. Everything is on fire.]
Mr. Renaud: Shoot, the children!
Mr. Krabs: IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE!!
[Bubble transition to President Arre's office. Chancellor Luis walks in.]
Luis: Hey-
Arre: Excuse me. I don't remember you making an appointment, Chancellor Luis.
Luis: Well, no, but this is urgent. Trust me.
Arre: Ooooookay…
Luis: The World of SBFW prison blew up a couple hours ago, it was all over the news. Surely you saw?
Arre: To be honest, no. I was busy making important phone calls with the president of The World of Club Penguin.
[Text flashes on the screen reading "NO PUN INTENDED".]
Luis: Anyway… we now have an entire city worth of criminals roaming free, SBFW Street is a mess. What do you suggest we do, ma'am?
Arre: Uh… I don't know? Build a new prison?
Luis: In this economy?
Arre: God I wanna fuck the economy.
Luis: Don't we all.
Arre: One small issue, however. How are we supposed to round up all of those criminals? Our police force is smaller than Kelpy G’s penis. We’ve had to hire anyone we can.
[Cutaway to Daddy Pig in a police outfit eating a donut in SBFW Street, not giving any shits about the criminals or the flaming environment.]
Daddy Pig: Well I am a bit of an expert at law enforcement.
[Cut back to Arre's office.]
Luis: Welp, I guess there's only one thing for it then.
[Cut to a hoard of users reading a flyer posted up in SBFW Street.]
Liz: "WANTED: literally every criminal in the city. Reward: Billie Eilish deepfake porn".
[Dan suddenly materialises out of thin air.]
Dan: I heard "Billie Eilish deepfake porn" and dropped everything.
Liz: You’re not wearing pants.
Dan: I was about to climax before I heard the news. 
[CrazySponge, too, materialises out of thin air.]
CrazySponge: DID SOMEONE SAY PORN?!
Dan: Degenerate.
CrazySponge: but you–
Liz: I thought it was No Nut November.
CrazySponge: oh that ship kinda sailed a couple days in
[Primitive comes out from beneath the floor. We almost forgot he was a ghost.]
Primitive: Yo guys, did you hear about all those criminals?
Liz: To be honest I almost forgot you were a ghost.
Primitive: So did I.
Liz: Anyways, yeah, we did hear. And we're gonna do something about it. Y'know, for this country.
Dan: I'm just in it for the porn, honestly.
CrazySponge: same
[The rest of the crowd murmurs in agreement with CrazySponge and Dan.]
SpongeBot678: You are all perverts.
Ally: Not me, I’m asexual.
[Cut to the group of users standing around a table in a garage somewhere.]
Liz: Okay, if we're going to catch these criminals, we need a plan.
SpongeBot678: We should start small, hone in on a certain group perhaps.
Granite: Like the Nazis!
SpongeBot678: I was thinking more about the nonces.
Granite: Or the Nazis!
Liz: Okay, that's fair. We do have a lot of pedophiles. Now, if we were pedophiles, where would we hide? Maybe we should ask the nonce in the room.
[Everyone looks at Primitive.]
Primitive: THAT WAS ONE TIME!! AND I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN IT!! I was just giving my impression of Aaron Walker. 
Vanessa: Uh-huh, that's as truthful as Jess not being a furry.
Jess: I’M NOT A FURRY!
Liz: I thought Aaron fucked cows, not children.
Vanessa: He likes to switch it up sometimes.
Primitive: …Anyways, maybe the better question is where would we WANT to hide… or go even, I don't know.
Granite: We should drive around in a white van with "FREE CHILD PORN" written on the side!
Liz: Granite, that is a terrible idea.
SpongeBot678: At least it has nothing to do with the Nazis this time. You always go on about the Nazis.
Granite: I DO NOT!
Vanessa: Again, that's like Jess saying they're not a furry.
Jess: BUT I'M NOT A FURRY!!!!! WHY DOES NO ONE BELIEVE ME?!
Liz: Am I the only one who cares about this cause?
Dan: I care about the deepfake porn.
Granite: Billie Eilish deepfake porn isn’t as good as Minecraft porn. Or Minecraft inflation porn for that matter.
Liz: Maybe we could use bait to lure them to a temporary prison or something?
SpongeBot678: But what would we use as bait?
Liz: I think the question is who.
Jess: You suggesting we use a child as bait?
Liz: BRUH, I'm saying we dress one of us up like a child and use them as bait.
Jess: Oh yeah that makes so much more sense.
Granite: So… who among us looks the youngest?
CrazySponge: haha among us
Vanessa: I literally pay a mortgage, so I guess I'm out.
SpongeBot678: It would be funny if we dressed Aidan up like a child.
CrazySponge: we are NOT bringing back the "crazysponge is 12" jokes again.
Liz: Any other ideas?
Vanessa: Well I mean Zoltan is pretty much a child.
Liz: Didn't he leave, though?
Vanessa: Honestly, I don't even know.
Jess: He was in a Breaking Bad phase last I che-
Zoltan: DID SOMEONE SAY BREAKING BAD?
Jess: Oh, and there he is.
Zoltan: so what are we up to guys
Liz: We are going to dress you up as a little kid and you are not to ask any questions, understand?
Zoltan: but what's in it for me?
CrazySponge: well, i guess i could send you some pictures of my cat jamie–
Zoltan: I'M IN!
CrazySponge: lord forgive me
[Cut to the group in SBFW Street. They are holding a fishing rod which Zoltan is attached to. He is wearing traditional child clothes.]
Liz: Zoltan, did you memorise all your lines?
Zoltan: no
Liz: Well, just improvise when we find some nonces, then.
[We see Mr. Renaud, Mr. Gus, and Ken Stringfellow walk up to the group.]
Liz: Speak of the devil.
[The group pushes Primitive and Vanessa to the front.]
Vanessa: Uh… good evening… lovely day to go hunting for some children, eh fellow pedophiles?!
[Mr. Renaud bitch-slaps Vanessa in the face.]
Vanessa: THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!
Mr. Renaud: For using that… that… HORRIBLE SLUR and discriminating against our kind!
Ken Stringfellow: Yeah!
Vanessa: I'm sorry, I didn't know.
Ken Stringfellow: It's okay.
Mr. Gus: We forgive you.
Mr. Renaud: Just try to be more PC next time, m'kay?
Mr. Gus: More like be more CP next time.
Mr. Renaud: Shut up.
Primitive: So… we have a kid for you guys.
Zoltan: yeah thats me
Mr. Renaud: BINGO! Alright, fellow MAPs, give us the child and we'll be forever grateful.
Vanessa: Ah, well, you see… we can't do that.
Mr. Gus: WHAT
Vanessa: Yeah, we saw him first. Finders keepers and shit.
Ken Stringfellow: BRUH
Vanessa: I know, it's a shame really… he looks like a nice child too.
Zoltan: i have gum disease
Primitive: Well, there is one way we could perchance give you the child.
SpongeBot678: You can't just say "perchance".
Mr. Renaud: WHAT IS IT? WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?!
Primitive: You'll… have to catch us!
Mr. Renaud: GAME ON! They didn't call me "Fast Paul" at MAP School for nothing!
[The SBFW users have already run away.]
Ken Stringfellow: Lads, they've gotten away.
Mr. Renaud: Nonsense, my dear Ken. They can run, but they can't hide. I've trained my nose to smell children from MILES away! TO THE NONCE-MOBILE!
[Batman transition to the three driving the exploded ice cream truck from earlier.]
Mr. Gus: I thought you said they called you "Fast Paul".
Mr. Renaud: They did.
Ken Stringfellow: WE'RE GOING AT HALF A MILE PER HOUR!
Mr. Renaud: I never specified they called my vehicles fast.
Mr. Gus: That's fair.
Ken Stringfellow: But how are we supposed to catch up with them in this thing?
[Mr. Renaud pushes a button. The exploded ice cream van suddenly transforms into a spaceship.]
Mr. Renaud: Never underestimate the powers of a MAP.
Ken Stringfellow: NOW WE'RE TALKING!
Golfpecks256: FULL STEAM AHEAD!
[Everyone stares at Golfpecks.]
Mr. Renaud: You're a MAP?
Golfpecks256: No, I'd never stoop THAT low. I do love a good catchphrase though!
Mr. Gus: By the way, what happened to PoopFan and Mr. Krabs?
[Cut to PoopFan riding the seesaw at the playground.]
PoopFan: WAHEY!!!!
[Cut back.]
Mr. Renaud: I think it goes without saying where Mr. Krabs is, dirty bastard.
Mr. Gus: I’m glad Krabs is gone honestly, annoying necrophile.
[The trio speed down the streets of The World of SBFW in the nonce-mobile rocket thing. We see the users trying their best to outrun the nonces.]
Liz: How much further away is the bible camp?
Vanessa: Not much further. I know this place like the back of my hand.
Liz: It seems like they're catching up fast.
Zoltan: i think im gonna throw up
Mr. Renaud: (through the speakers of the nonce ship) It's over, fellow MAPs! We've caught up to you! You might as well give up and hand the child over now!
SpongeBot678: Great. Now everyone in the city thinks we're pedophiles.
Mr. Renaud: MAPs!
SpongeBot678: I AM NOT APOLOGISING! 
Liz: Well, now what?
Vanessa: Not to worry, I'll think of something. Uh…
CrazySponge: THINK FASTER! I WANT MY DEEPFAKES!
[A lightbulb appears over Vanessa's head.]
Vanessa: I've got it!
[Vanessa kicks CrazySponge over to the nonce-mobile's windshield, obscuring the nonces' visions.]
CrazySponge: hi
[The nonces scream.]
Mr. Gus: THERE'S A CRAZYSPONGE ON THE WINDSHIELD!
Ken Stringfellow: DON'T WORRY, I'LL GET IT!
[Ken Stringfellow whips out an oversized fly swatter.]
CrazySponge: i was just thinking it was weird how i hadn't died yet today
[Ken strikes CrazySponge with the fly swatter, effectively killing him. The windshield wipers wipe away CrazySponge's remains.]
Mr. Gus: Why do you even have an oversized fly swatter on you?
Ken Stringfellow: I get up to weird shit.
Mr. Renaud: Well… at least you're honest about it.
Mr. Gus: We're all literally pedophiles.
Mr. Renaud and Stringfellow: MAPS!
[Cut to the bible camp, where the users have arrived. Zoltan is out of his little kid clothes and is ogling at the pictures of Jamie that CrazySponge gave him.]
Liz: Now for step 2. Wait for the pedos to arrive.
[The pedos arrive.]
Liz: Good timing.
Vanessa: OKAY, MAPS! YOU'VE CAUGHT US FAIR AND SQUARE! THE CHILD IS INSIDE THE BUILDING!
[The trio jump out of the rocket.]
Mr. Gus: Excellent…
Mr. Renaud: Well, we did it gang! We caught a child!
[The nonces high-five.]
All: Yeah!
SpongeBot678: Alright, so uh… just go inside the building and get the child!
Mr. Renaud: Will do!
Ken Stringfellow: Thanks!
Vanessa: Don't mention it.
[The nonces enter the building. All the lights are off.]
Mr. Gus: This is weird.
Mr. Renaud: Eh, electricity bills are sky high nowadays, this is actually pretty normal.
[Suddenly Chris Hansen walks in.]
Chris Hansen: Hi, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC News.
Ken Stringfellow: Hey.
Mr. Gus: How ya doing?
Chris Hansen: We're doing a story about adults who like to groom little boys and girls.
Mr. Renaud: Cool!
Ken Stringfellow: So glad to see television getting more MAP representation nowadays.
Mr. Gus: Okay, now where's the child?
Chris Hansen: Do you think this is some kind of joke?
Mr. Gus: Well, yeah. We were promised a child and… unless I'm tripping, I ain't seeing no child!
Chris Hansen: Are you getting a laugh out of this?
Ken Stringfellow: Not really.
Mr. Renaud: Where's the child?
Chris Hansen: There is no child, I'm Chris Hansen from NBC News. You can feel free to come out and tell us all about what you're doing, otherwise you are free to walk out the door you came in.
Mr. Gus: Dude, we ain't leaving here without no child.
Ken Stringfellow: Yuh.
Chris Hansen: Wh- WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! THERE IS NO CHILD! THIS WAS A SET-UP!
[The nonces start sobbing.]
Mr. Renaud: …set-up?
Ken Stringfellow: RUH-ROH!
Mr. Gus: Say, where are we, even?
[The lights come on, revealing they are inside the bible camp. Peter Griffin walks in.]
Peter Griffin: Heheheheheheheh, missed me?
All: Peter Griffin?
Peter Griffin: I've heard y'all have been some very naughty boys. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!
[Conner Malarky descends from the heavens.]
Peter Griffin: holy fuck im cumming
Conner Malarky: Greetings my followers.
All: CONNER MALARKEY?
Conner Malarky: MAPs go against everything that us Conner Malarkians or whatever the hell we're called stand for. It's time to put you disgusting individuals in your place, that place being the hot, dark pits of Hell. Unfortunately, it just so happens to be full, so prison it is.
Mr. Renaud: Aw, rats. Not again!
Mr. Gus: Hey, hey, hey! Just one tiny little problem with that plan though.
Conner Malarky: Hm? Do you dare question the wisdom of Conner Malarky?
Mr. Gus: Yes actually. …the prison blew up, that's how we broke out.
Conner Malarky: Ah yes. You see, we thought about that.
Mr. Renaud: What do you mean?
[Conner Malarky whips out an air pump and shoves it into Ken Stringfellow's mouth.]
Ken Stringfellow: hey what are y-
[Ken Stringfellow's body starts inflating like a balloon.]
Peter Griffin: Holy shit that's hot.
Mr. Gus: …oh my God.
[Fully inflated, Conner Malarky takes the pump out.]
Ken Stringfellow: aughhhhh i'm so full
Mr. Renaud: NO! DEAR GOD! PLEASE NO!
Ken Stringfellow: i'm gonna let out a stinky winky poo poo
Mr. Renaud: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Chris Hansen and Conner Malarky put on gas masks as Ken Stringfellow farts and a green gas fills the entire church. Peter Griffin has a giant smile and there is a noticeable bulge in his pants.]
Peter Griffin: I don't think I've ever been more aroused in my life before. Lois is nothing compared to you, Ken!
[Mr. Renaud and Mr. Gus rush towards the exits, but they are locked.]
Mr. Gus: LET US OUT OF THIS PLACE!!!!!
Mr. Renaud: I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER SECOND OF THIS!
Peter Griffin: I should come here more often.
[Cut to the outside of the bible camp. President Arre pulls up in a limo.]
Liz: Well, we did it! We caught the pedophiles!
CrazySponge: AND NOW WE CAN ALL JACK OFF TO BILLIE EILISH DEEPFAKES!!!!
Vanessa: You realise those are a massive violation of her privacy, right?
CrazySponge: idc shes sexy om smash
Arre: Congratulations everyone! 
Rocky Robinson: YOU DID IT!
CrazySponge: yeah i know, can we have the porn now?
Arre: About that… that was a lie. Remember how it's November? That was all just a test. (she takes out a pair of handcuffs) In the car you go, Mr. Sponge.
CrazySponge: and i would have gotten away with it too if it wasnt for those meddling pedophiles!
Arre: Now, everyone else? You can either step in the car with him or help catch the rest of the criminals.
Vanessa: …the rest of them?
Arre: Yeah, the rest of them. You just caught three. The entire prison blew up, remember?
[Pause.]
Liz: GOD FUCKI-
[Cut to Kirkburn's secret lair. We see his secret bedroom, where he and Golfpecks are lying in, flustered.]
Kirkburn: Now THAT was a fantastic orgasm.
Golfpecks256: Well, I can't say I disagree, but how will intercourse help us overthrow SBFW?
Kirkburn: Oh right, I almost forgot!
[Cut to the pair in a garage, where we see various armed spaceships.]
Kirkburn: These bad boys are what we will be using to infiltrate the planet. They're super fast, they're really powerful, and I think they look cool.
Golfpecks256: They're a bit big.
[Kirkburn starts crying.]
Golfpecks256: What's the matter?
Kirkburn: No one's ever said that to me before! Not even my wife!
Golfpecks256: I love you so much.
[Kirkburn and Golfpecks start making out as the episode ends.]
Category:The World of SBFW
Category:PrimitiveSponge129
Category:Thatjess
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Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
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Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
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Category:2020s