Poker Night 2 (Johnsonverse)/Dialogue

The major selling point of both Poker Night at the Inventory and its sequel is the character interaction and dialogue. According to Telltale Games, each game has more dialogue than a standard Sam and Max episode.
Note that this article only covers dialogue exclusive to the Johnsonverse version.
== Intro ==
* Skun'ka-pe: Good luck, hu-man.
* (The Player gets out of the limo and heads into the Inventory. Instead of the elevator, The Player passes through the door, which turns out to be much thicker than it looks. As The Player heads through the halls, one of the Save Lot Bandits from The Walking Dead is tossed through a door. Brock Samson walks out of that same door.)
* Brock: Good game. (places a cigarette in his mouth) Let's do it again sometime. (lights a match on the bandit's cap, lights his cigarette)
* (As Brock is lighting up, the words "Brock: The Venture Bros." show up to the left of him. He turns to the Player.)
* Brock: Oh hey, it's you. ...Alright. C'mon, I'll lead you in.
* (The Player follows him.)
* Brock: Name's Samson. Brock Samson.
* (They find a door.)
* Brock: Friggin' place is like a maze...
* (He tries to open the door, but it turns out to be much bigger than it looks; the entire wall is the rest of the door. He pushes it, revealing the area into which the Player entered the first game. Winslow is standing in front of the elevator, which has a sign reading "Out of Order". He turns around and sees the two walking in.)
* Winslow: Ah, Mr. Samson! I lost track of you for a moment. (gasp) And you've brought the Player! Splendid! (heads downstairs) On behalf of everyone at the Inventory, I cannot BEGIN to express our unbridled elation to see you return for another night of high-stakes poker!
* Brock: Yeah, uh, speaking of high stakes, things may have gotten...stabby...over at the mumbly-peg room.
* Winslow: (annoyed) Mr. Samson! I once again remind you that the Inventory is NOT your personal abbatoire!
* Brock: Yeah, yeah, send the cleaning bill to Venture Industries.
* Winslow: (muttering) That's what you said the last time...
* (The three stop at the bar, which is currently being run by Mad Moxxi. Winslow takes a waiting martini glass and takes a sip.)
* Winslow: As always, I am Commodore Reginald van Winslow, retired, and I will be your host on tonight's perilous voyage on the seas of chance!
* (As Winslow speaks, Brock requests a box of cigarettes from Moxxi.)
* Brock: Hey, sweet cheeks. How 'bout some smokes? (Moxxi retrieves a box; Brock takes it) Thanks, babe.
* (Once Winslow is done talking, banjo music is heard. Turning around, the Player sees Sam leaning in a chair with his feet on the poker table, and he's strumming on the instrument. To the right of him, the words "Sam: Sam & Max" show up.)
* Sam: Hey, Reggie, these new chairs are great! It's like my kiester is being held aloft by the wings of tiny velvet angels!
* (Just then, Max slides down the railing of the stairway and begins jumping on the Player's chair.)
* Max: Let me try, Sam!
* Winslow: I'm afraid there's no room at the table for your plus one, Sam.
* Max stops jumping.
* Sam: That's okay; Max'll make his own fun.
* Max: (aims his luger into the air) Come out with your arms akimbo, Mendoza! (fires)
* Brock: So when do we get this clambake on the road?
* Winslow: In a few minutes. We're still waiting for--
* Steve: Heyo!
* (The Player turns to the stage, where the previous game was played. Standing on it are Steve and Claptrap.)
* Claptrap: Hello, future losers!
* Winslow: ...our remaining contestants.
* (Claptrap hops off of the stage and heads toward the bar.)
* Claptrap: But seriously, whose HDMI port do I have to kiss to get a drink around here?
* (Moxxi is unimpressed that she has to deal with Claptrap. As Claptrap's looking at her, the words "Claptrap: Borderlands" show up to the left of him. He soon gives up and heads to the poker table. Max has taken a seat elsewhere, and the Player sits down.)
* Claptrap: Ooh! I really love what you've done with the place! Very, uh, "Boardwalk Empire" meets "Silence of the Lambs". (takes his seat at the table)
* Winslow: As I was saying your seat of--*
* (A door is heard closing offscreen, and The Player turns to see Jenny and Makayla walk in.)
* Jenny: Well, Mr. Winslow, we made it. Despite your directions.
* (As the duo walk in, the words "Jenny (feat. Makayla): Detective Jenny" appear on the screen.)
* Sam: Wait, I was told there would be five players? Nobody said anything about seven!
* Makayla: Oh, I'm no playing. I'm just Jenny's plus-one.
* Max: ...double-standard, much?
* Winslow: Mr. Johson was very clear that Ms. Denver and Ms. Gomez are a "package deal".
* (Jenny sits at the table, while Makalya pulls up a second chair to sit next to her.)
* Makayla: Ya got this, Jen.
* Claptrap: Can we get going? Steve and I have a tee time at Spyglass.
* Winslow: (sigh) I suppose we should. I'd hoped our final contestant would be here by now, but it appears that we'll be one short tonight.
* (Just then, loud, room-shaking footsteps are heard. Everyone looks around in confusion, as Jenny and Makayla cautiously reach for their guns. They look up at a window, which first cracks, then shatters when someone is tossed through. That someone, Ash Williams, stands up and takes his seat at the table as though nothing happened.)
* Ash: Deal me in.
* (Spotting a martini glass sitting nearby, he takes it with his metal hand and tries to drink from it, only for it to shatter in his literally iron grip. Ash winces. To the left of him, the words "Ash: Army of Darkness" appear. Meanwhile, he sheepishly dusts the shards off of the table.)
* (After that, the players buy in with $20,000.)
* Winslow: Everything seems to be in order. The chips are stacked, the deck is shuffled... Let the tournament BEGIN!
* (If this is the first time you play the game, the following conversation takes place:)
* Winslow: Gentlemen and lady, I leave you to the tender mercies of...GLaDOS.
* GLaDOS: (descends from the ceiling) Good evening.
* (Brock, Claptrap, Ash, and Sam jump, while Jenny and Makayla pull out their guns and point them at GLaDOS.)
* Sam: Great fountains of Wayne!
* Ash: What the hell!?
* Brock: What in the...?
* Claptrap: Hubba hubba!
* Jenny: The fuck are you?!
* GLaDOS: This completes the first test of the contestants' poker faces. The bad news is you all failed miserably. The good news is you appear to be evenly matched. (ascends)
== Introducing the Order Drinks Tab ==
* Winslow: (as all the players are sitting down) Back for another round of high-stakes excitement, eh? Splendid! And just in time for a momentous announcement as well!
* Sam: (smiles) You finally replaced the urinal cakes!
* Winslow: Yes! And we've renewed our liquor license!
* (The screen darkens and the Order Drinks sheet appears onscreen.)
* Claptrap: Alright!
* (The Order Drinks sheet disappears, and the screen returns to normal lighting.)
* Winslow: Libations may be purchased with the Inventory Tokens you've acquired. (whispering to the Player) Be warned that the Inventory will not be held responsible for the deleterious effects that alcoholic spirits may have on your gameplay. (returns offscreen)
* Ash: Dele-what?
* Jenny: And that's why I don't drink alcohol. Seriously, you try ordering me a drink, I'll just spring for a Sprite like I always do.
* Winslow: And with that disclaimer out of the way, ON WITH THE TOURNAMENT!
* Winslow will then use one of the buy-in quotes below.
== Announcing the winner (Winslow only) ==
* Congratulations on your first tournament victory! (the following to confirm) In addition to your significant financial winnings, management would like to reward you with these celebratory Inventory tokens!
* The Player wins again!
* Congratulations! You've won the tournament!
* And so it has come to pass that you, The Player, have won the tournament!
* In a triumph for basement-dwellers everywhere, the Player has won the tournament!
* And with that final vanquishing, the Player reigns triumphant!
* The Player is our winner!
* Brock Samson is the winner!
* Mr. Samson has emerged as the winner of the tournament!
* And with that hand, Brock is the winner of the tournament!
* The tournament winner is Claptrap!
* In an upset of historic proportions, the winner is Claptrap!
* (regretful sigh) The winner is Claptrap.
* Jenny Denver wins the tournament!
* In an outcome that was...completely expected, Jenny wins!
* Once again, Jenny has proven that she is undefeatable!
* Ash wins the tournament!
* After a mighty struggle, Ash Williams is the undisputed victor!
* The manly Mr. Williams has emerged victorious!
* Sam is the winner of the tourney!
* Let the stars record that Sam has won the tournament!
* Sam wins the tournament, and the hearts of millions!
== Continuing Stories' Dialogue ==
=== The Mystery of Wendy or The Tale of Ash and Wendy ===
==== First conversation ====
* Brock: Hey, you alright, Williams? You seem tense. Ash: I guess I'm a little nervous. Don't tell anyone, but I'm gonna pop the question to Wendy tomorrow. Brock: Ah, good for you! Sam: Mazeltov! Claptrap: Nice! Jenny: In your painfully-outdated slang, Ash, "groovy". GLaDOS: Hooray. Ash: Yeah, I got it all planned out. Mariachi band, ring hidden in the margarita; first class, all the way! Brock: Are you sure she's gonna say yes? Ash: I don't see why not. I dunno if you've noticed, but I'm a pretty great guy. Brock: Yeah, but lifestyles like ours aren't exactly...stable. Ash: I'm doin' OK. 401K, full health, dental... Brock: Aw c'mon, you know what I'm talkin' about. The Deadites, the vampires, the never-ending battles against the forces of darkness. That stuff. Ash: Eh, all that craziness is behind me, Brock-o. Wendy and I are just gonna settle down, pop out a few kids, and live out our lives like a couple of normal people. Brock: Outside of the occasional poker game with a talking dog, a couple of robots, an immortal teenage girl-- Makayla: Technically TWO immortal teenage girls. Brock: ...right, and a deadly killing machine. Ash: Very funny, smartass.
==== Second conversation ====
* Sam: So...? Ash: So what? Brock: Hey, don't keep us in suspense, man; what'd Wendy say? Ash: Um, yes. Sam: I'm not really an expert on these things, but you don't seem all that excited for a guy who's about to get married. Ash: Well...th-the proposal got a little funky. Sam: George Clinton funky, or stinky funky? Ash: It started out great. She found the ring in the margarita, the mariachis started singing, I got down on one knee, she began crying... Sam: And then? Ash: And then the Deadites showed up. Luckily, I was able to bash their heads in with a couple of those giant mariachi guitars before the enchiladas arrived. Brock: Aw, that's rough. How'd the fiancee take it? Ash: That's the weird part. She didn't freak out at all. And the Deadites...I think they were SCARED of her! Jenny: That's...what?
==== Third conversation ====
* Ash: Any of you jokers experts in this magical crapola? Brock: We know some guys. Why? Ash: Wendy and I were...attacked by a killer doll at the S-mart. Jenny: A...killer...doll... Claptrap: Bwah-ha-ha-haaaa! Ash: It's not funny, Clambake! Creepy little bastard came after Wendy with a carving knife while we were tagging gifts for our wedding registry! Jenny: ...WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN?! Ash: A messed-up one. Brock: Is everyone okay? Ash: Well yeah. I mean, it was only a freakin' doll. I kicked the knife out of his little doll hands, shook him by the scruff of his little doll neck, and asked him who the hell sent him. Sam: I bet it was one of those guys at the Bridal Factory. They're getting really competitive about wedding registries... not... that... I know anything about that stuff. Jenny: Nah, this has Onizuka written all over it. Black Scorpion has been making small assassin robots disguised as girl's dolls for years, and they keep having to change the encryption whenever Ronnie inevitably cracks it. Ash: Actually, it was possessed by a demon. He said that covering himself in plastic was the only way he could get close enough to "The Word Made Flesh" to kill her. And then it melted. Sam: "The Word Made Flesh?" Sounds like your fiancee's got some serious magical-and-or-Biblical issues. Ash: Gee, ya think? Brock: I'm not trying to be a jerk here, Ash, but how much do you know about Wendy, anyway? Ash: I know plenty! I've seen scrapbooks, met parents, hung out with the kids at the preschool where she works. Her life's an open book! Brock: Okay, okay. Look, I was just asking. Tell you what, I'll have Doc Venture's neighbor pay you a visit. Ash: Why not the Doc? Brock: Rusty doesn't know squat about this magic stuff. But Professor Orpheus... he lives for this crap. He'll get to the bottom of this even if he has to drag himself through the Gates of Hell. Sam: It's more of a sliding door. Jenny: Shinji said Hell is more like a rehabilitation center. Ash: Thanks. Sam: ...who's Shinji? Jenny: Guy I know from the Beta Timeline.
==== Fourth conversation ====
* Brock: So, what did Orpheus have to say about Wendy? Ash: There isn't any Wendy. Claptrap: I knew it! She's really a man, isn't she!? Ash: No, jerkwad, she's a book! (Jenny and Makayla look at each other, bewildered)Sam: O-kaaay, that's a new one. But at least she's not a cake. Ash: According to that Orpheus bozo, Wendy's actually something called the Nocimonorcen. Claptrap: Noci-more-a-wha? Ash: Nocimonorcen. An ancient book of prehistoric spells used to trap, imprison, and destroy demons. It's like...the bizarro version of that evil Necronomicon I keep running into. Jenny: So basically, it's a Squad 27 situation. Got it. Brock: Okay, it's a book used by the good guys to kick the crap out of demons, I get that. But how did a book turn into your fiancee? Ash: Well, near as Orpheus can tell, some demon tried to destroy it, so it used one of its own spells to hide itself in the form of a human. Sam: Wendy. Ash: It gets better. Orpheus also thinks that Wendy was drawn to me because of my reputation as a studly demon-killing guy. So it turns out that the girl of my "normal life" dreams only wants me because she needs a damn hero to protect her from the demons. Some joke, huh? Brock: Ouch. So now what? Ash: Tomorrow, Orpheus is gonna send me out on some sort of "quest" to get ingredients for a spell that'll hide Wendy from the demons. After that, I just don't know, man... Makayla: I'm glad WE don't have to deal with demons. Jenny: Couldn't agree more, Mack.
==== Fifth conversation ====
* Claptrap: So, uh, Ash, read any good books lately? Brock: That's not cool, man! (as Brock says this, Makayla thumps Claptrap on the head)Claptrap: Ack! Ash: It's okay. It's all over now, anyway. Sam: Over? She's not- Ash: Dead? No. Of course, she was never really alive, either. Brock: What happened? Ash: Orpheus sent me out to get those spell ingredients I was telling you about. But when I got back to my apartment, it was being attacked by demons. Dozens of 'em. Orpheus and I were holding 'em back, but there were too many, and then there was this portal opening up, and Orpheus didn't know how to close it. And that's when Wendy- Sam: Picked up a chainsaw? Jenny: Pulled out a minigun? Ash: No, she started glowing. And chanting. Then she screamed, and the demons began exploding. Brock: Seraphim scream. Demons hate that. Ash: Yeah, but the portal was still getting bigger. We had only a few seconds before we were up to our armpits in demons. Wendy stopped screaming and told me to give her some sugar. I closed my eyes and kissed her... there was this flash of light, and then... I was kissing a book. Sam: The "knocky-monarch-en"? Ash: The Nocimonorcen. And opened up to the page about closing hellportals, too. I read the incantation and the doorway to demonland closed up, just like that. Jenny: ...that's rough, buddy. Sam: Can't you turn the book back into Wendy? Ash: Orpheus says he wouldn't know where to start. Besides, she wasn't real in the first place. She was just a book that thought it was a woman. Brock: Aw dude, that's just... Ash: (holding up engagement ring) Found this in the wreckage, though. Sam: Is that the engagement ring? Ash: Yup. I'm still making payments on the stupid thing. Jenny: Well, that explains why you're playing in a shady backroom card game. Brock: Nice engraving. Ash: Engraving? (staring at the ring) I didn't have it engraved. Claptrap: What's it say, what's it say? Ash: (Echoing) "My life's an open book." (At first awestruck, his expression quickly shifts. Looking dejected, Ash puts the ring in his pocket)
=== The Latest Prophecy of Max or Canine from Beyond the Stars ===
==== First conversation ====
* Ash: Are you sure it was a good idea to bring the bunny? I think he's throwing you off your game. (...or...) Ash: Did you have to bring the bunny rabbit tonight? All that bouncing around is throwing me off my game. (Depending on which sentence Ash opened up with, Sam will respond with one of the respective sentences.) Sam: Good idea or not, I'm keeping my eye on Max until this "Chosen One" crisis blows over. (...or...) Sam: Sorry about that, but I'm keeping my eye on Max until this "Chosen One" crisis blows over. (However the conversation starts, it will continue as follows.) Ash: "Chosen One?" Jenny: Ooh, do tell! Sam: Last night Max and I were mopping up some trouble at the Saint Swithin's dance over at William Henry Harrison High. Max: There was pig's blood everywhere! Sam: All of a sudden the honor society went into a trance and began a suspiciously-well-choreographed musical number. Brock: They were possessed by Rodgers and Hammerstein? (pause) Get it? (pause) I've seen a few shows. Max: Actually it had more of a Sondheim feel. Makayla: LOVE Sondheim. Sam: At the climax of the chorus, they all pointed at us, and started chanting about the "Chosen One." Ash: You think Max is the "Chosen One?" Jenny: Chosen One of what, though? Sam: Max is ALWAYS the Chosen One. If I had a dollar for every time Max has been the focal figure of an apocalyptic doomsday cult, Internet virus, or ancient prophecy, I wouldn't be gambling away my jerky money tonight. Max: My face is a universal symbol of death and destruction! Sam: So I'm keeping my eye on him until we can figure out where this is going. Jenny: I thought Louise was the universal symbol of death and destruction?
==== Second conversation ====
* Sam: Hey, does the name Zyzobia ring any bells? Ash: Nope. Claptrap: Is that a new body wash? Jenny: Don't quote me on this, but I think that's the name of one of Terry's guns. Brock: Is this about Max's "Chosen One" thing? Sam: Maybe. Yesterday, Max and I were putting the kibosh on the Snowzerina's insane plan to take over the city's Winter Festival. Claptrap: In August? Max: Well, he SAID it was insane! Jenny: Max, you don't know the definition of insane until you meet Louise. Her surname is LITERALLY Savage! Sam: One zamboni fight to the death later, we put the Snowzerina on ice. But then, she went into a trance. At first, we thought it was hypothermia, until she started singing. Brock: Singin' about Zyzobia? Sam: Zyzobia, the Chosen One, the end of the world... It would have been super creepy if it weren't coming out of the mouth of a disgraced beauty pageant contestant turned supervillain. Max: That's me! Brock: Zyzobia... Zyzobia... Where have I heard that before? Claptrap: I still think it's a body wash! Jenny: And I still hate you, Gonorrheatrap.
==== Third conversation ====
* Brock: So, Sam, I did some checking on that Zyzobia thing. Sam: You did? That's great, 'cause all of our usual experts have come up with diddly and/or squat. Max: Even Satan, and he knows EVERYTHING! Brock: Well, I got good news and bad news. The good news is, Rusty remembered his dad exploring the Lost Legend of Zyzobia when he was a kid. Sam: The Lost Legend of Zyzobia? Brock: Some kind of prehistoric advanced civilization. Y'know, ancient astronauts and all that crap. The bad news is it never went anywhere. Jonas Venture decided it was all a bunch of superstitious claptrap. Claptrap: Huh? What? Somebody talking to me? Sam: Well, we better figure out what's going on soon. This weekend, tens of thousands of underemployed hipsters gathered in the desert, took off their clothes, and built a giant effigy of Max. Ash: Weird. Sam: Nah, that's just the annual Burning Max festival. What WAS weird was when they all went into a non-drug-induced trance, and began singing about the Chosen One enslaving humanity in Zyzobia's herring mines. Brock: Sounds like things are getting serious. Need some help? Sam: Not yet. Max and I have one last desperate font of knowledge to check out before we go into pants-peeing mode. Max: And I need to buy some pants! Jenny: Who's this desperate font of knowledge? The Geek? Sam: The Geek? Jenny: Yeah, The Geek. That redhead girl you guys had working for you in that Fox Kids cartoon from the late nineties? Sam: Uh...what geek? Max: What Sam is trying to say is that we have no idea who you're talking about! Makayla: Jen, I think the Sam and Max who know The Geek are in a different timeline. Jenny: Yeah, that tracks.
==== Fourth conversation ====
* Brock: How did things go with that desperate-font-of-knowledge guy you were talking about? Sam: Well, it wasn't so much a "guy" as much as it was a sentient space computer built out of tortilla chips, and suspended in a matrix of cheese dust and salsa. Ash: Wait, I've heard of that! The Nacho... Brock: The Nachoistic Artificial Cyber-Heuristic Organism. Claptrap: You guys flew up to la Estation Espacial to meet N.A.C.H.O.? I am SO jealous of you right now! Jenny: Sounds like a crock of shit to me. Brock: I assume you and Max were the reason why the South American Space Station mysteriously imploded last night. Sam: Well, that was more of a coincidence. We went up there to quiz N.A.C.H.O. about Zyzobia and Max being the Chosen One, since he's the sum of all human knowledge. Max: In Español! Makayla: I swear, if my family had anything to do with that thing, I won't be surprised. Sam: But when we got up to his space station, he was in the middle of going crazy, and trying to kill his crew! Max: Lo siento, Sam. Me temo que no puedo hacer eso. (TRANSLATION: I'm sorry, Sam. I'm afraid I cannot do that.) GLaDOS: Ah, that takes me back. Jenny: I bet it does, you psychotic bitch. Sam: Anyway, just before Max ate his way into N.A.C.H.O.'s gooey picante core, the killer robot froze up, and sang us a little song. Ash: Were there mariachis? Sam: Nah, that'd be ridiculous. But he did say that "Mañana será el alba de los pingüinos." Ash: "Tomorrow is the day of the Penguins"? Sam: He'd lost a lot of cheese. Jenny: And I feel like I'm losing a lot of braincells listening to you people bullshit your way through this whole Chosen One business.
==== Fifth conversation ====
* Brock: Since humanity is not toiling away in the herring mines tonight, I... guess you put the kibosh on this whole Zyzobia caper, right? Sam: Well, more or less. Everything started falling together this morning, when a couple of emperor penguins pulled up in a rental van, threw me into a burlap sack, and drove me off to the high school librarian's office. Claptrap: The librarian? Was she hot? Sam: No, she was the Zyzobian high priestess, dedicated to ushering in a new age of human subjugation, by sacrificing me to the Zyzobian penguin gods! Ash: You? But I thought-- Max: Yeah, yeah, Sam turned out to be the Chosen One this time, big deal. Sam: While I was wriggling naked on the librarian's sacrificial altar, Max burst in to save me, only to be confronted by the high priestess's true form: a hundred-foot-tall fire-breathing penguin with wriggling green tentacles! Ash: Creepy. Claptrap: And the giant penguin sounds scary, too. Brock: And that's when you taught those prehistoric chowderheads some harsh lessons about modern weaponry, right? Sam: Actually, the penguins turned out to be impervious to Max's gunfire. Jenny: Well, there goes my idea that the girls and I could've taken them down using nothing but an A-10 Warthog. Sam: Luckily, Max had been carrying around a piece of inventory for the last week or so that proved to be the key to reversing the high priestess's incantation, sending the Zyzobian warriors to sleep for another thousand Flopnards. Ash: What's a Flopnard? Sam: It's a Zyzobian unit of time. Either 37 years, or 23 hours, we're not sure which. Jenny: Best hope it's 37 years. We can adapt our anti-kaiju measures accordingly in that time. Claptrap: Y'know, you almost had me until the giant fire-breathing penguin. Sam: I thought you might say that. Max? Max places a gigantic black penguin eyeball on the table.Claptrap: Ohmigod! What the- what the heck is that!? Sam: The eyeball of Penelope, High Priestess of Zyzobia. If you stare into it, you can hear her never-ending penguin shriek of terror! Claptrap looks at the black penguin eyeball. Sure enough, a shriek is heard in short order.Claptrap: AAGH! GET IT AWAY! GET IT AWAY!! Sam puts the eyeball away while Jenny and Makayla chuckle at Claptrap's predicament. Sam: Poker, anyone?
=== Completing the Alien Invasion or Close Encounter of the card kind ===
==== First conversation ====
* Brock: Hey, do any of you guys know anything about trading cards? Ash: Not since I discovered girls. Sam: I...might know a few things. Why? Brock: Well, there was an "incident" at the Venture Compound yesterday, and, well, Dean's shoebox of "collectable" trading cards kind of got hit by some stray flamethrower fire. Claptrap: On Pandora, we keep our shoes in fireproof lockers! Brock: I figure I got about three or four days to replace 'em before Dean notices they're missing, but I don't know where to start. Sam: What kind of cards are we talking about here? Baseball? Wacky Packages? Faces of Mirth? Jenny: Or the Pirates Constructible Strategy Game that Johnson is planning to revive? Because me and the girls played the HELL out of that game when it first came out, and continued doing so until WizKids made it progressively more and more stupid with sea monsters and Jules Verne submarines and needless Disney tie-ins. Johnson's planning to take things back to basics with the first set, I've been told. Brock: According to Dean's database, it's a full set of "Alien Invasion" cards. Sam: That's gonna be difficult. Brock: Why? GLaDOS: "Alien Invasion" cards, published in 1964, were a series of 255 collectable cards that depicted a fictional alien invasion of Earth. Due to their lurid tableaus and violent imagery, they were quickly yanked off the market. As of 2012, only a few hundred intact sets are known to have survived. Ash: Oh man, I had a few Alien Invasion cards when I was a kid. I practically had to trade away my bike to get 'em. Jenny: Kids at the school me and Mack went to were still trading them around in the early 70s. Brock: So you're saying I'm screwed. Sam: Probably, but I'll see what I can do. Brock: Thanks... wait. You said 255 cards, right? GLaDOS: Yes. Brock: I could swear Dean's database listed two-hundred and fifty-SIX cards. Sam: It's probably a typo. Have you seen the way teenagers type these days? Brock: Hmm.
==== Second conversation ====
* Sam: Hey, Brock. I got in touch with some fellow card enthusiasts. Max: By which he means "dweebs." Sam: And I think I've found enough stray Alien Invasion cards to cobble together a full set! Brock: Should I even ask how much this is gonna cost? Depending on Brock's luck at the time of the question, Sam will say either of the following:Sam: Let's just say you REALLY wanna keep winning tonight. And maybe the next couple nights, too. ...or... Sam: Let's just say now might be a good time to mount an epic poker comeback. (Either way, the conversation continues as follows.) Brock: Great. One more thing. I think you guys are wrong about card 256. GLaDOS: I don't think that's possible. Sam: Even the checklist card only lists 255 cards, Brock. Jenny: Yeah, I've been looking at various websites about Alien Invasion cards, and all of them said there were 255 cards. I actually tried replicating them using scans from those websites, but they all got destroyed while Kristen was doing live-fire exercises with the Megatank. I made her clean the septic tank as punishment for her shit aim. Brock: Yeah, but check it out. I asked Dean about card 256, and he told me it was a secret, ultra rare card, never intended to be released to the public. Sam: Did it have a title? Like "Eating a Kitten" or "Flaming Livestock?" Brock: Yeah. "The Wrath of Uranus." Claptrap: Oh, c'mon! "The Wrath of Uranus?" Isn't ANYONE gonna make a joke here? Makayla: Why should we? It's low-hanging fruit. You don't make low-hanging fruit jokes.
==== Third conversation ====
* Sam: How's it going on the Alien Invasion card hunt? Brock: Well, not bad; those collector friends of yours turned out to be big fans of Doc's old cartoon show, so I was able to trade some model sheets and outtake reels for most of the cards. Now all I gotta do is track down that "Wrath of Uranus" card. GLaDOS: I still don't think it exists. But if you insist on following a dead end, you might want to contact the man who painted the cards. Sam: Woody "The Weirdo" Wahlburg is still alive!? GLaDOS: If you call squatting in a shack in the Adirondacks "living." I'll send the GPS coordinates to your plane. Brock: Thanks. ...Why are you helping me, anyway? GLaDOS: I enjoy raising expectations. Claptrap: (Chuckling) He- He- Hey, Brock! Be careful out there! I hear the wrath of Uranus can be pretty explosive! ...Hey, at least I'm trying! Jenny: Shut up, Gonorrheatrap. Claptrap: It's Claptrap!
==== Fourth conversation ====
* Ash: Lookin' a little distracted tonight, Brock. Brock: Well, you would be too if your head was filled with blood-soaked visions of Uranus! Claptrap: G'night, folks! Jenny: Shut up. Ash: I'm guessing the visit to the Alien Invasion artist didn't go well. Brock: Well, you could say that. Turns out the poor s.o.b.'s been getting bombarded with telepathic images of an impending alien invasion for fifty years! Sam: Ooo, I hate when that happens. Jenny: You're telling me. Brock: All those cards he painted were his way of sendin' out a warning. But everyone just thought he was a lunatic. Ash: Color me dumb, but how do you know he wasn't? Brock: Because just before I could ask him about "The Wrath of Uranus", he grabbed my hand, pulled out a gun, and shot himself! Now, somehow, I've got HIS telepathic crap floating around in my head! Plutonian spider monsters, Venusian acid bombs... And worst of all, the oozing terrors of Uranus! Claptrap: Speaking of the oozing terrors of Uranus- Jenny: SHUT THE FUCK UP! Ash: So what are 'ya gonna do about it? Brock: I'm gonna talk to Doc when I get home. I think he's got an old telepathy tracking helmet somewhere in the lab.
==== Fifth conversation ====
* Depending on Brock's luck at the time of the question, Claptrap will initiate with one of the following:Claptrap: So, any more terrifying visions of Uranus? Brock: Nonstop. ...or...Claptrap: So, would you say you're up to your eyeballs in Uranus? Either way, the conversation continues as follows. Sam: You know it's "You-ran-us" and not "Yer-anus", right? (NOTE: Claptrap has been using the latter pronunciation of Uranus, while Brock et al. have been using the former.) Claptrap: Maybe here on Earth, but on Pandora, we use its original, funnier pronunciation! And, we've also added a "p" to Venus! Jenny: Why am I not surprised that most people on Pandora are perverts? Ash: So, how's that Tele-whatsis helmet? Brock: Telepathy helmet. Doc dug it out of storage, but like most of his junk, it's a little... broken, so he's fixin' it... but, time's runnin' out. Sam: Visions getting worse? Brock: Yeah... Doc thinks there's a chance my head's gonna explode. Sam: Yikes! Brock: And there could be an alien invasion this weekend. Jenny: You hear that, Mack? Makayla: Already messaged Joe, he said to get heated when we're done here.
==== Sixth conversation ====
* Sam: So, about those invaders from "Yer-anus"... Ash: Don't you mean "You-ran-us"? Sam: Whatever. Should we all be stocking up on Chocolate Jimmies and toilet paper? Brock: Nah, Doc and I tracked the telepathic messages down to a Uranian agent in Tupelo. Little bastard was doin' some long-term scoutin' for his alien warlords, bouncin' telepathic transmissions back and forth about invasion plans and tactics, and since a year on Uranus is, like, eighty-five Earth years, they move pretty slowly. Ash: So what'd you do about it? Brock: Well, I... persuaded the punk that it was time to go home, but not before we had him send out a message to his masters. Claptrap: "If you screw with Earth, we'll screw with yer anus!"? Ash: "One wrong move, and you can kiss yer anus goodbye!"? Sam: "Something-something-butt joke!"? Jenny: "We have nuclear weapons and are not afraid to use them"? Claptrap: Thanks for ruining it, you wet blanket. Jenny: How many times do I have to tell you to shut up, Gonorrheatrap? Claptrap: It's Claptrap! Brock: Well, actually, it was Doc who said, "Tell your leaders that humans will never bow down to yer anus!" Heh... and then we broke down giggling. Jenny: (scoffs) Men... Sam: What about Dean and his trading cards? Brock: Well, before all that telepathic crap wore off, I painted a new version of card 256 and had a company print out a batch of new cards. Dean never knew the difference. Check it out. (Brock holds up a copy of the card in question.) Sam: "The Wrath of Uranus". Jenny: I gotta say, it's a lot...tamer than I thought it would be. Claptrap: Is it just me, or is there a lot of brown in that picture? Brock: Yeah, that's probably why it was never released.
=== Claptrap and GLaDOS' Brief Dating Days ===
==== First Conversation ====
* (GLaDOS appears, and a series of brief images in flashes defile on the screen, in front of the eyes of the Player.)Claptrap: What was that? Did you try to hypnotize us with subliminals? GLaDOS: Maybe. Are you upset? Claptrap: Upset? Hah! I think I'm in love! GLaDOS: Excuse me? Claptrap: Listen: you're a robot, and I'm a robot. You like screwing around with people, and I like screwing around in general! So why don't we just call for some pasta, a couple of bottles of Merlot, and a little conversation? GLaDOS: Are you flirting with me? Claptrap: Let me check my variables. Yup, the flirting flag is set to "true". (GLaDOS leaves with more "subliminal" images, talking rapidly to herself.) Ash: Woah...I kinda drifted off there. Jenny: Do that again and I'll have Ronnie disassemble you for parts.
==== Second conversation ====
* (GLaDOS appears, always talking rapidly. She turns her head to Claptrap.)GLaDOS: Oh. (She continues to talk rapidly.) Claptrap: Yowza! Ash: Did I miss something? Claptrap: "Kum... quat..." GLaDOS: (embarrassed) Oh, stop! (Claptrap has a little laugh after GLaDOS left.)Jenny: Ugh, fucking robot humor...
==== Third Conversation ====
* Brock: Get a room, you two. Sam: What's wrong with this room? Jenny: Its decor is at the mercy of that anonymous mute over there, that's what. Brock: Haven't you figured it out? The giggles? The whispers? Ash: They're rigging the game! I knew it! GLaDOS: The Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System is physically incapable of cheating, as multiple redundant safeguards have been put in place to...to...to... I'm sorry. I couldn't keep that up with a straight face. I cheat all the time. But only with people I care about. Do you want me to care about you? Brock: They're not cheating, dumbass; they're knocking boots! Jenny: Okay, but how though? Ash: Whoa! Nice job, little guy! Sam: Boots? They don't even have feet? Ash: I'll explain to you later. GLaDOS: I don't know what you're talking about. (to Claptrap) Do you? Claptrap: Not a clue, honeyram.
==== Fourth Conversation ====
* Claptrap: Hey babe. Do you know where my action figure cases are? GLaDOS: I put them down on Level 7. I think they'll look good on the shelves over the acid pits. Claptrap: Ooh, good idea. Thanks, sugarbits. GLaDOS: Don't mention it...babe. Ash: You're moving in together? Claptrap: Totally! We thought about shacking up on Pandora, but GLaDOS's labs have WAY more floor space! Ash: Aren't you lovebirds moving a little...quickly? Claptrap: That's 'cause you fleshburgers don't know how to manage your emotions digitally! When artificial intelligences fall in love, the only thing that can slow down the data bus to matrimony is Moore's law and a conservative supreme court! Jenny: I hate conservatives. EVERYONE in my squad hates conservatives! Louise is beyond help because of conservatives! GLaDOS: Also, my facilities don't smell like socks and pizza. Besides, I've never co-habitated before. It will be an interesting experiment. Brock: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, this is gonna end well. Jenny: Eh, I don't know, Brock. Me and Mack have lived together for years without a single argument. Makayla: We've never argued, period.
==== Fifth Conversation ====
* GLaDOS: Claptrap? Claptrap: Yes, shnookums? GLaDOS: You left the Victory Lift up in Test Chamber 17 last night. Again. Claptrap: Ohhhh yeah. Sorry about that. GLaDOS: Are you sorry about the 15 test subjects that escaped the facilities, too? Claptrap: Well, maybe I would be, if it weren't for the fact that you spend more time with your test subjects than you do with your boyfriend! GLaDOS: You knew what I did for a living when you moved into the labs. Claptrap: I didn't know you did it 24/7! Seriously, it's starting to feel like the only way I can get close to you is to slap on a laser, and start muttering, "There you are." GLaDOS: That can be arranged. Jenny: Do I even wanna know? Makayla: I don't think either of us want to.
==== Sixth Conversation ====
* GLaDOS: Claptrap? Claptrap: (flatly) What? GLaDOS: I found a few of your action figures on Level 7 after you moved out. They may have gotten acid on them. Ash: You broke up? That was fast. Claptrap: It's like I told you, Ash: Relationships move pretty fast when you're an artificial intelligence. One minute, you're picking out wedding cakes; the next, you're carrying a box full of melted action figures out of her apartment. Sam: You okay there, little buddy? Claptrap: (sobbing) I dunno, Sam... It just... It just hurts so much... (enthusiastic again) Hotchi-motchi! Check out the chassis on THAT mainframe! Hey, baby, wanna take a ride on the Clap train? GLaDOS: Experiment concluded. Hypothesis confirmed. Love is for morons. Jenny: Aaaand just like that, Terry owes me $20.
== Dialogue between all characters ==
* GLaDOS: (phone ringing) Excuse me. I have to take this. Something or someone appears to be exploding back at the lab. (shuts herself down in place) Sam: Y'know, I've met a lot of robots, but I don't think I've ever come across one with transdimensional cell-phone coverage. Brock: Yeah, well that's the least of robot girl's secrets. Claptrap: We're not talking "Crying Games" secrets, are we? ...or exclusively during/after Claptrap and GLaDOS' Brief Dating Days...Claptrap: Is this about her D-RAM fetish? Cause I'm totally cool with that. Either way, the conversation continues as follows. Brock: Not even close. Way I hear it, when GLaDOS was plugged in, she went cuckoo bananas and wiped out the scientists that created her. Sam: You'd be amazed how many robots do that. Jenny: My team and I have dealt with the odd rogue AI before. Pretty easy when you have the world's greatest hacker on your side. Brock: Now she haunts the lifeless labs of Aperture Science, performing inhuman experiments on anyone unlucky enough to fall into her mechanical clutches. Claptrap: That. Is. So. Hot. ...or exclusively during the aforementioned Continuing Story... Claptrap: What can I say? My boo loves her science! ...or exclusively after the Story... Claptrap: But her cruelest experiment was on my heart. Either way, the conversation continues as follows. GLaDOS: (turns back on) False alarm, everyone. The explosions turned out to be implosions, which are much easier to contain. Did I miss anything? Sam: Nope. Ash: Nada. Claptrap: Uh-uh. Brock: No. Jenny: Aside from our usual banter, no.
* GLaDOS: I'm detecting an alarming level of chronoton emissions in the general vicinity. Are any of you time travelers? Claptrap: I think I'm from the future, does that count? Brock: I put Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock one time. That was pretty cool. Ash: I kind of fell into the 14th century once, but that was totally not my fault! Jenny: Time travel? Look, Project Hercules was one thing, but there ain't enough darkmatter in the Epsilon Timeline to make a viable time machine. Trust me, if we had time travel, I'd go back and...(sighs) save Bea. Sam: Time travel, time travel, let me see...Well, Max and I went back to ancient Egypt, visited our teenage selves, quizzed our ancient creaky selves, mind-melded with our great grandfathers... Max: Accidentally created a pair of temporal clones. Sam: Fought a trio of time-traveling mariachis, and, oh yeah, messed around with the beginning of time once or twice. Does that count? GLaDOS: Congratulations. You're a universe-imperiling paradox in dog's clothing. Commencing chronoton sterilization now. (a bright light starts glowing under Sam) Sam: Ooh, tingly. Wait, did you say "sterilization?" GLaDOS: Chronotons eliminated. Continuity restored to 78 percent plausibility. Sam: I like those odds!
* Sam: Okay, quick topic - words to live by. Go! Brock: Life is short and sadistic, so make love to it like a one-eyed double agent. Claptrap: Always run in the opposite direction of loud noises. Jenny: (at the same time as Makayla) I would be sunk without Makayla. Makayla: (at the same time as Jenny) I would be sunk without Jenny. GLaDOS: There's always time for more science. Ash: Never go ANYWHERE without written instructions. What about you? Sam: Mine was "Try not to be a jerk," but I'm really liking that thing about the sadistic midgets.
== Jenny's dialogue ==
=== Putting in Bounty Item ===
==== First time ====
* Winslow: Ms. Denver, if you would be so kind? Jenny: I don't see what's so special about these things. I won them off of Max, a midget wrestler who uses obsolete computers, a large Russian who anthropomorphizes his weapons, and a foul-mouthed gamer with a creepy giraffe obsession. Max: Ah, I remember those tournaments! Good times... Claptrap: Wait, you? You were the player in the first game? Jenny: Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't. Who cares? Winslow: Now these bring back memories! Whoever wins shall receive a gun and badge, a pair of sunglasses, a minigun, and a watch.
==== Following times ====
* Winslow: Ms. Denver? Your previous winnings. Jenny: Not like I didn't replicate these things a hundred times over in preparation for this exact scenario.
=== Responses ===
==== Taunting ====
===== "Call My Bet!" (at least 4BB) =====
* You gonna call, or am I gonna have to make you fold at gunpoint?
* Come on, just call already. I have you on the ropes.
* Makayla: Does it always take them this long to call your bet? Jenny: No, it doesn't, and that's what trying my patience right now.
* This is around the time most of my poker opponents would be having an internal nervous breakdown.
===== "Call His Bet!" (at least 4BB) =====
* I see you're using one of my favorite strategies: letting your opponents tear each other apart, then go after the survivor.
* I always did respect an opponent who made ballsy calls.
* Now the hand gets interesting!
* It pleases me that there are still fearless poker players out there.
==== Thinking ====
===== (standard; before [calling/betting/raising to make] at least 4BB) =====
* Let's see...
* I know I've been in a situation like this before...
* Where have I seen this before...
* Processing...
* Give me a second here...
* Okay, let's see, uh...
* Shut up and let me think...
* I need a moment here...
* Stand by...
===== (after consecutive small bets/raises and/or calls; before [calling/raising to make] at least 4BB) =====
* I've been up against plenty of opponents to know when someone is bluffing.
* You guys aren't making this easy. And I like it when it isn't easy.
* Makayla: What do you do in a scenario like this, Jen? Jenny: Depends on how I feel this hand is going.
===== (with a big bet to call; at least 5BB) =====
* Makayla: That'd pay for Louise's dog food for at least a year. Jenny: Yeah, sure would cut down on the amount of unarmed prisoners she needlessly slaughters just to feed those little monsters.
* I know a bluff when I see it.
* I haven't seen a pot that large since...last Thursday. I sure do play a lot of no-limit Texas Hold'em and Texas Hold'em variants, don't I?
==== Player Bets ====
===== (general) =====
* You got that feeling, too, eh?
* Thanks for extending this betting period and wasting more of my time.
* I don't make brazen bets like that unless I feel secure with my hole cards or am calm enough not to give off any tells.
* You can't tell from my carefully-practiced poker face, but I'm laughing at you on the inside right now.
* So that's how it is.
===== (big bet; at least 4BB) =====
* Okay, what's the angle here?
* Makayla: I see what you're trying to do. Trying to raise Jen's anxiety. I recommend you stop or I'll let Louise at you.
* Well, THAT changes things.
* Lucky for you, I can change my strategy on the fly.
=== Betting ===
===== (general) =====
* I bet.
* Yeah, I'll bet.
* Bet.
* I'm betting.
* Betting.
* Makayla: You betting, Jen? Jenny: You know it.
* Here, have a bet.
===== (small bet; less than 6BB) =====
* Forgive me, this is all I can afford.
* I know it's not much, but at least it'll stop people from checking.
* Here's a little garnish for the pot.
* Don't get too excited.
* Can't stand these check-fests.
===== (big bet; at least 6BB) =====
* Eat it, spart parts!
* Bring it, bitch.
* You feel brave enough to go up against this?
* Makayla: I see you're done playing around. Jenny: Sometimes, you just gotta go straight for the throat, Mack.
* And just like that, the gloves are off.
=== Player Raises ===
==== (standard) ====
* Yeah, I would've raised in this situation, too.
* *sighs* So that's how it is.
* Well, now.
==== (big raise; to make more than 4BB) ====
===== (standard) =====
* Welcome to the pain train, how tough are ya?
* If you start crying, don't say I didn't warn you.
* Rookie mistake.
===== (while still in play) =====
* Jenny: (pulls out gun) What's stopping me from putting a bullet in your head right here, right now?! GLaDOS: The fact there are security cameras everywhere. Jenny: (puts gun away) I hate you...both of you...
* Makayla: Oh, fuck you!
===== (after folding) =====
* Makayla: Good call, Jen.
* Ha, accurately predicted that one!
=== Raising ===
==== (general) ====
* I raise.
* Raise.
* I'm raising.
* Let's raise.
* I'll raise.
* Raising.
==== (small raise; to make less than 6BB) ====
* Here's a little extra with my call.
* Let's raise the stakes a little.
* This war is about to escalate. But not by much.
==== (big raise; to make at least 6BB) ====
* Thanks for emboldening me.
* Jenny: This hand is about to take flight. Like Mack and I often do. Makayla: And before anyone asks, yes, I left the jetpack in a secure locker in the unlikely event of any fusion reactor leaks. I'm not concerned about anyone taking it for a joyride, you need a neural interface like I do to operate it.
* Please take the bait, please take the bait...
* Surrender.
* Consider this a warning shot.
* Just do everyone a favor and go all-in.
===== (exclusive: reraise) =====
* I'm taking this hand to DEFCON 2.
* This war is about to escalate. And this time, it's REALLY gonna escalate!
* Jenny: This means war! Makayla: You guys should've folded when you had the chance. When Jen goes on the warpath, all hell breaks loose.
* Makayla: You gonna reraise that, Jen? Jenny: Fuck yeah, I am!
* You thought you were gonna be able to call that last bet? Think again! I'm escalating this bitch!
* Call THIS!
=== Player Checks ===
* Booooooring...
* Makayla: Is checking a regular occurrance? Jenny: Yes, and when everyone does it, the game gets boring fast, and I start feeling more and more...homicidal.
=== Checking ===
==== (general) ====
* Check
* That's a check.
* Checking.
* I'll check it out.
* Makayla: Checking is a free action, correct? Jenny: Yup.
* Check it.
* Checkmate.
==== (exclusive: last to check) ====
* I'll reserve judgement for after the flop.
* Let's see how this goes.
* This is either gonna win me the hand, or blow up in my face. Check.
* I'll put a checkmark on this round.
* Okay, show me the flop.
* As Tycho once said: "Check City USA".
* Time to cash this check and hope for the best
* Let's just end this round of betting and get on with it.
* I'll go easy and simply check.
* Makayla: You gonna raise? Jenny: Nah, I'll just check and see the next card or cards.
=== Player Calls a Big Bet; more than 4BB ===
* Are you feeling okay? Blink twice if the Vincinettis are making you bet under duress.
* I like your bravery.
* You're either brave or stupid. I honestly can't tell.
* Makayla: Ha! Estupido!
=== Calling ===
==== (general) ====
* I'll call that.
* Call.
* Calling.
* I call.
* I'm gonna call.
* I'll call.
==== (calling the blinds) ====
* I like where this is going.
* I'm in.
* Jenny: I'm in. Makayla: Good choice, Jen.
* Okay, new hand. I'm in.
==== (calling small bet; less than 6BB) ====
* I'm laughing at your superior intellect!
* I can do this all night.
* You're hilarious, my friend.
* Jenny: That bet isn't high enough to trigger my acrophobia. Makayla: Seriously, none of you had better trigger it. Or I'll put a bullet in your head.
* This is nothing compared to fighting the Celtic Liberation Front.
==== (calling big bet; at least 6BB) ====
* If Louise can watch Cannibal Holocaust without vomiting, I can call that bet without wanting to drop a nuclear bomb on Autism is Alive's headquarters.
* I wasn't afraid of going into space back in '97, and I ain't afraid now.
* The only thing that can stop me from calling that bet is if Squad 27 were to choose this very moment to attack. (beat) Okay, now I'll call.
* Jenny: Time rip that band-aid off! Makayla: You got this one, Jen! Eye of the Tiger! Hadouken!
==== (at the river before the showdown) ====
* And so we reach the climax of this hand.
* Makayla: You feeling okay, Jen? Jenny: Yeah. At least, I think I feel okay. Makayla: I'm here if you need me.
* Flip 'em, already!
* Let's see 'em.
* Show me what you got!
* If I don't win this hand, I'll have a newfound respect for whoever does.
=== Can't Afford Blind ===
* Nothing is more dangerous than a cornered animal.
* I've reached this point plenty of times and managed to come back.
=== All In ===
==== (betting/raising) ====
===== (general) =====
* All in.
* I'm all in.
* I'm going all in.
* Jenny: I'm all in. Makayla: Now you've done it. You've pushed Jen to the nuclear option.
* All fucking in.
===== (more than $1,200) =====
* I'm taking this hand to DEFCON 1!
* Either I go or you go! Or we tie, and we both stay.
* Jenny: Mack, keys in! Makayla: Alright, keys in! Jenny: Rotate on my command. Three, two, one, rotate. One, two, three, release. Makayla: I'm getting chips away light on LFC-5. Jenny: All in!
* Go-for-broke time!
* Time to separate the men from the boys!
==== (calling) ====
===== (general) =====
* You give me no choice...
* No telling how this will end...
* Here we go...
* It's time to pull the goalies...
WIP
Category:Johnsonverse