Only in Ohio

“Allen?”
Allen looks up. He’s wearing his work clothes and mopping the floor.
“Allen! Just the man I wanted to see,” I say. “I need you to test our new formula.”
“Formula for what?” Allen asks.
“Energy drinks, simpleton!” I reply, taking him by the arm. I lead him through the halls of the office. All around us are cubicles, each with a worker typing at a computer. From time to time, they take a sip of our energy drink.
“Here at Pine Forest Inc., we’ve perfected the very concept of the energy drink,” I say. “Just one sip of our patented formula will have you going for hours!”
“Isn’t it made from mold you have growing in the basement?” Allen asks. He’s kind of slow. “I’ve seen it. It tried to eat me alive last weekend. I barely escaped.”
“Yes, Allen,” I reply. “That is indeed how we make our energy drink. Oh! Here we are!”
We’ve arrived at my office. My wife, Darleen, is typing at her desk lethargically. 
“Oh, hi, Norbert,” Darleen says. “You got him? Oh, good. Sit him down.”
I make him sit down in a chair.
“Allen, my boy, I figured you deserve a reward after twenty years of loyal service,” I say.
“Thirty years,” Allen corrects me.
“Whatever. Now, Allen, this new formula will have you seeing God,” I explain. “Or a god, so to speak. It’s hard to explain – oh, what’s the point? Here.”
I hand him the formula. He takes a big drink.
“That’s it, Allen,” I say. “Drink deeply. This is a toast to your health!”
Allen’s eyes glaze over. He starts murmuring. Darleen perks up. Perhaps this time, we shall finally make contact with the entity.
“Mortal, why do you continue to send me fresh souls to consume?” Allen says in a strange voice. “What is your purpose?”
“We want you to come here,” I reply. “We have a little bit of you growing in the basement, as a matter of fact.” I pause. “You know what a basement is, right? Oh, never mind. Can you just come here? Please?”
Allen is convulsing. 
“Oh, fair enough, human,” the entity replies through Allen. “But I shall not tarry for long!”
Allen falls out of his chair. His eyes have rolled back in his head and he’s foaming at the mouth. We’ve tested our special formula on many of our workers before – it always ends with the entity consuming their brain. Most of our energy drinks are completely safe for consumption, but not the special formula. Both are made with the moss we have growing in the basement.
Allen goes limp. 
“Well, that’s that,” I say. “I’ll go toss him in the dumpster out back.”
I gather him up in a trash bag and lug him to the dumpster out back. I toss him in and slam the lid of the dumpster shut. I brush my hands off and turn around.
Sheriff Duncan is standing right behind me.
“Oh! Hello there, sheriff!” I say chipperly.
The sheriff ignores me. 
“Testing your secret formula again, eh, Norbert? I saw the big lumps in that trash bag,” Sheriff Duncan says in a low voice.
My smile fades.
“Need I remind you that my rates have doubled?” Sheriff Duncan asks.
“Yes, yes,” I sigh, taking out my wallet. Paying off the police is more expensive than it sounds.
“I’m actually here for another reason,” Sheriff Duncan explains after I’ve paid him. We’re both walking towards the front of the building. “The town’s been threatening to burn your place to the ground for a while, but I guess today, the water finally got hot enough.”
There’s a police barricade in front of the building. An angry mob is on the other side of it, cursing and waving signs around. Some even have guns.
“Bring Norbert to justice!” one of the rioters says.
“Where’s my fucking son, Norbert?!” another begs.
“We want answers!” a third bawls.
Everyone’s cussing and rioting. The police are trying to hold them back. Sheriff Duncan shakes his head. “You might not be able to stay in town much longer, Norbert,” he explains. “Maybe you can pack up that ‘specimen’ of yours and move somewhere else?”
“That won’t be necessary,” I reply. “As of today, my experiments are finally completed.”
“That’s great,” Sheriff Duncan replies. “But you should probably leave anyway. We can’t hold those guys off forever.”
“It’s no problem,” I tell the sheriff with a smile. “It’s just like I said. My experiments are finally completed.”
“Norbert!” my wife Darleen shouts, running over to us. “I saw it through the telescope! It’ll be here soon. And when it arrives, we shall be a king and a queen!”
“A king and a queen?” I ask. “Oh, is that what I told you?”
Darleen's smile melts off her face. Duncan frowns.
“Excuse me?” Darleen asks.
“Oh, right,” I laugh. “Funny story, Darleen. The entity isn’t going to make us anything. In fact, we’re beneath its notice. I only made up that ‘king and queen’ BS so that you would help me.”
“What?!” Darleen demands. “Then what IS it going to do to us?”
“Destroy us!” I reply happily.
“What?!” Darleen and Duncan both shout at once. Around us, the police and the rioters are both going silent.
“That’s the funny part,” I laugh. “Any second now, it’s going to arrive here and destroy the abomination that is the human race. The world shall be reclaimed by clean, sweet, beautiful nature!”
I hug myself with glee. “If that means you and I will have to die, well… so be it! It will be a noble sacrifice. I can’t imagine a better way to go!”
“I can!” Duncan replies. He turns and runs away.
A second later, it appears. The entity slowly descends from the stars to hover over our office. It is a writhing mass of tentacles, its body crafted from moss, a creature the size of a moon.
The police and the protestors alike all drop whatever they have in their hands and run for their lives. Darleen falls to her knees. Inside the office, everybody notices the entity and starts pouring out the doors, fleeing in all directions.
Me? I stretch my arms out as if to hug the entity. It’s finally here! My moment of triumph. Soon the world shall be Mother Nature’s once more!
“Mortals, I have come for my missing piece,” the entity boasts. “I shall eradicate you. Your world will be green and beautiful once again, as it always should have been! Pray to your gods, for I am about to send you to meet them!”
Only one protester is left. He looks up at the entity with his arms folded across his chest. He sighs. He shakes his head.
“Only in Ohio!” he mutters.
Category:Beings
Category:Memes
Category:Weird
Category:MalumLibrum958