@sans

The alpha Sans(tm)
Joined during the purge of November 10th, originally had the @sans name then was subsiquently deltated by the natter staff. By the time Sans logged on the name had been taken and settled for @sans_ational. Five days later the new owner of @sans contacted @sans_ational and gave it back.
Is also a HUGE NERD
"wow what a nerd" said one natter user
"hella rad, like a natter kickflip" -treebro
"they really are the biggest nerd" said natter user 1234
Special attack:
*Kinkshaming
Problomatic:
*Hates Burgerpants for no good reason
{Man} Once upon a time there was a lovely princess.
But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only 
be broken by love's first kiss.
She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing 
dragon.
Many brave knigts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, 
but non prevailed.
She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest 
tower for her true love and true love's first kiss.
{Laughing} 
Like that's ever gonna happen.
{Paper Rusting, Toilet Flushes}
What a load of -
Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
She was lookin' kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
In the shape of an "L" on her forehead
The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'
Fed to the rules and hit the ground runnin'
Didn't make sense not to live for fun
Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
So much to do so much to see
So what's wrong with takin' the backstreets
You'll never know if you don't go
You'll never shine if you don't glow
Hey, now You're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin' stars break the mold
It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
You're bundled up now but wait till you get older
But the meteor men beg to differ
Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
The ice we skate is gettin' pretty thin
The water's getting warm so you might as well swim
My world's on fire
How 'bout yours
That's the way I like it and I'll never get bored
Hey, now, you're an all-star
{Shouting}
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin' stars break the mold
{Belches}
Go!
Go!
{Record Scratching}
Go. Go.Go.
Hey, now, you're an all-star
Get your game on, go play
Hey, now You're a rock star
Get the show on, get paid
And all that glitters is gold
Only shootin' stars break the mold
-Think it's in there?
-All right. Let's get it!
-Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?
-Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread.
{Laughs}
-Yes, well, actually, that would be a gaint.
Now, ogres - - They're much worse.
They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin.
-No!
-They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes!
Actually, it's quite good on toast.
-Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
{Gasping}
-Right.
{Roaring}
{Shouting}
{Roaring}
{Whispers} This is the part where you run away.
{Gasping}
{Laughs}
{Laughing} And stay out!
"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
{Sighs}
{Man's voice} All right. This one's full.
-Take it away!
{Gasps}
-Move it along. Come on! Get up!
-Next!
-Give me that! Your fiying days are over.
That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!
-Get up! Come on!
-Twenty pieces.
{Thudding}
-Sit down there!
-Keep quiet!
{Crying}
-This cage is too small.
-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again.
I can change. Please! Give me another chance!
-Oh, shut up.
-Oh!
-Next!
-What have you got?
-This little wooden puppet.
-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
-Father, please! Don't let them do this!
-Help me!
-Next! What have you got?
-Well, I've got a talking donkey.
{Grunts}
-Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
-Oh, go ahead, little fella.
-Well?
-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous.
He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -
-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
-No, no, he talks! He does. I can talk. I love to talk.
I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
-Get her out of my sight.
-No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
{Gasps}
-Hey! I can fly!
-He can fly!
-He can fly!
-He can talk!
-Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha!
Oh-oh.
{Grunts}
-Seize him!
-After him! He's getting away!
{Grunts, Gasps}
{Man}
-Get him! This way! Turn!
-You there. Orge!
-Aye?
-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under 
arrest
and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility.
-Oh, really? You and what army?
{Gasps, Whimpering}
{Chuckles}
-Can I say something to you?
-Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. 
Incredible!
Are you talkin' to - - me? Whoa!
-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great 
back here? Those guards!
They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They 
was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made 
me feel good to see that.
-Oh, that's great. Really.
-Man, it's good to be free.
-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? 
Hmm?
-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by 
myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. 
You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit 
out of anybody that crosses us.
{Roaring}
-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that 
don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you 
definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks!
You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - 
{Mumbling}
Than I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my 
butt that day.
-Why are you following me?
-I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm all alone
There's no one here beside me
My promlems have all gone
There's no one to deride me
But you gotta heve friends - -
-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
-Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
-Uh - - Really tall?
-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't 
that bother you?
-Nope.
-Really?
-Really, really.
-Oh.
-Man, I like you. What's you name?
-Uh, Shrek.
-Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek?
You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing.
I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. 
Who'd want to live in place like that?
-That would be my home.
-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a 
decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I 
like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
-I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
-I like my privacy.
-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I 
hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them 
a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
-Can I stay with you?
-Uh, what?
-Can I stay with you, please?
-Of course!
-Really?
-No.
-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to 
be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta 
stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!
-Okay! Okay! But one night only.
-Ah! Thank you!
-What are you - - No! No!
-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, 
and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.
-Oh!
-Where do, uh, I sleep?
-Outside!
-Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you 
don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.
{Sniffles}
-Here I go.
-Good night.
{Sighs}
-I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. 
I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, 
outside.
I'm all alone
There's no one here beside me
{Bubbling}
{Sighs}
{Creaking}
{Sighs}
-I thought I told you to stay outside.
-I'm outside.
{Clattering}
-Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we 
have? 
-It's not home, but it'll do just fune.
-What a lovely bed.
-Got ya.
{Sniffs} I found some cheese.
-Ow! {Grunts}
-Blah! Awful stuff.
-Is that you, Gorder?
-How did you know?
-Enough! What are you doing in my house?
{Grunts}
-Hey!
{Snickers}
-Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table.
-Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.
-Huh?
{Gusps}
{Male voice} What?
-I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying orge! What do I 
have to do get a little privacy?
-Aah!
-Oh, no. No! No!
{Cackling}
-What?
-Quit it.
-Don't push.
{Squeaking}
{Lows}
- What are you doing in my swamp?
{Echoing}
Swamp! Swamp! Swamp!
{Gasping}
-Oh, dear!
-Whoa!
-All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! 
Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!
-Quickly. Come on!
-No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there.
-Oh!
{Sighs}
-Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.
-Oh, gosh, no one invited us.
-What?
-We were forced to come here.
-By who?
-Lord Farquaad.
-He huffed und he puffed und he...... signed an eviction notice.
{Sighs}
-All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
{Murmuring}
-Oh, I do. I know where he is.
-Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all?
-Me! Me!
-Anyone?
-Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!
{Sighs}
-Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. 
Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy 
Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came 
from!
{Cheering}
{Twittering}
-Oh! You! You're comin' with me.
- All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two 
stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!
-On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek.
-Hey. Oh, oh!
-I can't wait to get on the road again.
-What did I say about singing?
-Can I whistle?
-No.
-Can I hum it?
-All right, hum it.
{Humming}
{Grunts}
{Whimpering}
-That's enough. He's ready to talk.
{Coughing}
{Laughing}
{Clears throat}
-Run, run, run, as fust as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the 
gingerbread man!
-You are a monster.
-I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy 
tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the 
others?
-Eat me!{Grunts}
-I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached 
its end! Tell me or I'll - -
-No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons.
-All right then. Who's hiding them?
-Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
-The muffin man?
-The muffin man.
-Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?
-Well, she's married to the muffin man.
-The muffin man?
-The muffin man!
-She's married to the muffin man.
{Door opens}
-My lord! We found it.
-Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
{Man grunting}
{Gasping}
-Oh!
-Magic mirror - - 
-Don't tell him anything!
-No!
{Ginerbread man whispers}
-Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect 
kingdom of them all?
-Well, technically you're not a king.
-Uh, Thelonius.
-You were saying?
-What I mean is, you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All 
you have to do is marry a princess.
-Go on.
{Chuckles}
-So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to 
meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette 
number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. 
She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking 
and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.
-Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of 
fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just 
kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come 
on. Give it up for Snow White!
-And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a 
fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling 
lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes 
pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, 
Princess Fiona!
-So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or 
bachelorette number three?
-Two! Two!
-Three! Three!
-Two! Two!
-Three! 
-Three? One?
{Shudders} Three?
--Three! Pick number three, my lord!
-Okay, okay, uh, number three!
-Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
If you like pina coladas
And getting caught in the rain
-Princess Fiona.
If you're not into yoga
-She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go - - 
-But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.
-I'll do it.
-Yes, but after sunset - -
-Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will 
finally have the perfect king!
Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament.
-But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd 
find it.
-So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.
-Uh-huh. That's the place.
-Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
{Laughs}
{Groans}
-Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.
-Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.
-Hey, you!
{Screams}
-Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - -
{Whimpering}
{Sighs}
{Whimpering, Groans}
{Turnstile clatters}
{Chuckles}
{Sighs}
-It's quiet. Too quiet.
{Creaking}
-Where is everybody?
-Hey, look at this!
{Clattering, whirring, clicking}
Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town
Here we have some rules
Let us lay them down
Don't make waves, stay in line
And we'll get along fine
DuLoc is perfect place
Please keep off of the grass
Shine your shoes, wipe your... face
DuLoc is, DuLoc is
DuLoc is perfect ...... place
{Camera shutter clicks
{Whirring}
-Wow! Let's do that again!
-No. No. No, no, no! No.
{Trumpet fanfare}
{Crowd cheering}
-Brave knights.
-You are the best and brightest in all the land.
-Today one of you shall prove himself - -
-All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
-Sorry about that.
{Cheering}
-That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go 
forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the 
dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first 
runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you mae 
die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.
{Cheering}
-Let the tournament begin!
{Gasps}
-Oh!
-What is that?
{Gasping}
-It's hideous!
-Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.
-Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the orge will be named 
champion! Have it him!
-Get him!
-Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now.
-Go ahead! Get him!
-Can't we just settle this over a pint?
-Kill the beast!
-No? All right then. Come on!
I don't give a damn about my reputation
You're living in the past 
It's a new generation
-Damn!
{Whinnying}
A girl can do what she wants to do
And that's what I'm gonna do
And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
Me, me, me
-Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!
And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
Never said I wanted to improve my station
-Ah!
{Laughs}
And I'm always feelin' good when I'm having fun
-Yeah!
And I don't have to please no one
-The chair! Give him the chair!
And I don't give a damn about my bad reputation
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me
Me, me, me
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not me, not me
{Bell dings}
{Cheering}
{Laughs}
-Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till 
Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha!
{Shrek laughs}
{Crowd gasping, murmuring}
-Shall I give the order, sir?
-No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion!
-What?
-Congratulations, orge. You're won the honor of embarking on a great 
and noble quest.
-Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back.
-Your swamp?
-Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those tale creatures!
{Crowd murmuring}
-Indeed. All right, orge. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for 
me, and I'll give you your swamp back.
-Exactly the way it was?
-Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.
-And the squatters?
-As good as gone.
-What kind of quest?
-Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a 
princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only 
don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place.
-Is that about right?
-Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
-I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that orge stuff on 
him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make 
your bread, the whole orge trip.
-Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and 
put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and 
drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
-Uh, no, not really, no.
-For your information, there's a lot more to orges than people think.
-Example?
-Example? Okay, um, orges are like onions.
-{Sniffs} They stink?
-Yes - - No!
-They make you cry?
-No!
-You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little 
white hairs.
-No! Layers! Onions have layers. Orges have layers! Onions have 
layers. You get it? We both have layers. 
{Sighs}
-Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes 
onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
-I don't care... what everyone likes. Orges are not like cakes.
-You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a 
person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like 
no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
-No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Orges are like 
onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.
-Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
-You know, I think I preferred your humming. Do you have a tissure or 
something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start 
slobbering.
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
I'm on my way from misery to happiness today
Uh-huh,uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh
And everything that you receive up yonder
Is what you give to me the day I wander
I'm on my way 
I'm on my way 
I'm on my way
-Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that?
-You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was 
open. Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. {Sniffs} It's 
brimstone We must be getting close.
-Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I 
know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone 
neither.
{Rumbling}
-Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location.
{Laughing}
-Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said orges have layers?
-Oh, aye.
-Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have 
layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.
-Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.
-You know what I mean.
-You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.
-I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over 
a boiling like of lava!
-Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional 
support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step 
at a time.
-Really?
-Really, really.
-Okay, that makes me feel so much better.
-Just keep moving. And don't look down.
-Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on 
moving. Don't look down.
{Gasps}
-Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, 
please! 
-But you're already halfway.
-But I know that half is safe!
-Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.
-Shrek, no! Wait!
-Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me?
-Don't do that!
-Oh, I'm sorry. Do what?
-Oh, this?
-Yes, that!
-Yes? Yes, do it. Okay.
{Screams}
-No, Shrek! No! Stop it!
-You said do it! I'm doin' it.
-I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. Oh!
-That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.
-Cool.
-So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?
-Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.
{Chuckles}
-I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
{Water dripping, wind howling}
-You afraid?
-No.
-But - -
- Shh.
-Oh, good. Me neither.
{Gasps}
-'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible 
response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I 
might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and 
breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little 
scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
{Gasps}
-Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if 
you can find any stairs.
-Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess.
-The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest 
tower.
-What makes you think she'll be there?
-I read it in a book once.
-Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those 
stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way 
they're goin'.
{Creacing}
-I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with 
me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a 
step right here. I'd step all over it.
-Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the - - 
-Dragon!
{Screams}
{Gasps}
{Roars}
-Donkey, look out!
{Screams}
{Whimpering}
-Got ya!
{Roars}
{Gasps}
{Shouts}
-Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
{Screaming}
{Gasps}
-Oh! Aah! Aah!
{Gasping}
{Crowls}
-No. Oh, no, No!
{Screams}
-Oh, what large teeth you have.
{Crowls}
-I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time 
from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile 
you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know 
what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of 
course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. 
What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. 
Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh - - 
(Coughs)
-I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna 
blow smoke rings. Shrek!
{Gasps}
{Whimpering}
-No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
{Groans, Sighs}
{Vocalizing}
-Oh! Oh!
-Wake up!
-What?
-Are you Princess Fiona?
-I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
-Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!
-But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be 
a wonderful, romantic moment?
-Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.
-Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out 
yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.
-You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
-Mm-hmm.
{Screams, grunts}
-But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for 
me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!
-I don't think so.
-Can I at least know the name of my champion?
-Um, Shrek.
-Sir Shrek.
{Cleans throat}
-I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
-Thanks!
{Roaring}
-You didn't slay the dragon?
-It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
{Screams}
-But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, 
banner flying. That's what all the other knights did.
-Yeah, right before they burst into flame.
-That's not the point. Oh!
-Wait. Where are you going? The next's over there.
-Well, I have to save my ass.
-What kind of knight are you?
-One of a kind.
-Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to 
know someone over a long perriod of time. Just call me old-fashioned. 
{Laughs}
-I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not 
emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really 
is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted 
physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back 
up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to 
know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, 
but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - 
Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna 
tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with 
that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
{Growls}
{Roaring}
{Gasps}
-Hi, Princess!
-It talks!
-Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.
{Screams}
{Screaming}
-Oh!
{Thuds}
{Groans}
{Roars}
{Roaring}
-Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon.
{Fchoing}
-Run!
{Gasping}
{Screaming}
{Roaring}
{Screams}
{Roars}
{Panting, sighs}
{Whimpers}
{Roars}
-You did it!
-You rescued me! You're amazing. You're - - You're wonderful. 
You're... a little unorthodox I'll admit. But they deed is great, and 
thine heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. 
{Clears throat}
-And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?
-I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a 
steed.
-The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.
-Uh, no.
-Why not?
-I have helmet hair.
-Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.
-No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.
-But how will you kiss me?
-What? That wasn't in the job description.
-Maybe it's a perk.
-No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in 
a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then 
they share true love's first kiss.
-Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you 
true love?
-Well, yes.
{Laughing}
-You think Shrek is your true love!
-What is so funny?
-Let's just say I'm not your tipe, okay?
-Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your 
helmet.
-Look. I really don't think this is a good idea.
-Just take off the helmet.
-I'm not going to.
-Take ot off.
-No!
-Now!
-Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.
-You- - You're a- - an orge.
-Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.
-Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed 
to be an orge.
{Sighs}
-Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the 
one who wants to marry you.
-Then why didn't he come rescue me?
-Good question. You should ask him that when we get there.
-But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some prge and his- - 
his pet.
-So much for noble steed.
-You're not making my job any easier.
-I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad 
that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right 
here.
-Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.
-You wouldn't dare. Put me down!
-Ya comin', Donkey?
-I'm right behind ya.
-Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not 
dignified! Put me down!
-Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, 
right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down 
real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a 
crisp and eaten?
-You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knowest what 
happens when you find your - - Hey!
{Sighs}
-The sooner we get to DuLoc the better.
-You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful!
-And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like?
-Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in 
short supply.
{Laughs}
-I don't know. There are those who think little of him.
-Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never 
measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
-Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the 
"measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
-Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp?
-No, that'll take longer. We can keep going.
-But there's robbers in the woods.
-Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camping's starting to sound good.
-Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this 
forest.
-I need to find somewhere to camp now!
{Birds wings fluttering}
{Grunting}
-Hey! Over here.
-Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a 
princess.
-No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
-Homey touches? Like what?
{Crashing}
-A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night.
-You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
-I said good night!
-Shrek, What are you doing?
{Laughs}
-I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
{Fire cracking}
-And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only orge to ever spit over 
three wheat fields. Right. Yeah.
-Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
-The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, 
there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for.
-I know you're making this up.
-No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away 
from his stench.
-That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots.
-You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? 
Forget it.
{Sighs}
-Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway?
-Our swamp?
-You know, when we're through rescuing the princess.
-We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my 
swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall arond my 
land.
-You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what 
I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody 
out.
-No, do ya think?
-Are you hidin' something?
-Never mind, Donkey.
-Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
-No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things.
-Why don't you want to talk about it?
-Why do you want to talk about it?
-Why are you blocking?
-I'm not blocking.
-Oh, yes, you are.
-Donkey, I'm warning you.
-Who you trying to keep out?
-Everyone! Okay?
-Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.
-Oh! For the love of Pete!
-What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway?
-Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that 
seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. 
"Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly orge!" They judge me before they 
even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
-You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, 
stupid, ugly orge.
-Yeah, I know.
-So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?
-Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.
-Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one 
there?
-That's the moon.
-Oh, okay.
{Orchestra}
{Dulcimer}
-Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the 
princess.
-Hmph.
-Ah. Perfect.
{Inhales}
{Snoring}
{Vocalizing}
{Whistling}
{Sizzling}
{Sniffs, yawns}
-Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that.
--Come on, baby. I said I like it.
-Donkey, wake up.
-Huh? What?
-Wake up.
-What?
-Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
-Good morning, Princess!
-What's all this about?
-You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to 
make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
-Uh, thanks.
{Sniffs}
-Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us.
{Belches}
-Shrek!
-What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. {Laughs}
-Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess.
{Belches}
-Thanks.
-She's as nasty as you are.
-{Laughs} You know, you're not exactly what I expected.
-Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them.
{Vocalizing}
-La liberte! Hey!
-Princess!
{Laughs}
-What are you doing?
-Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from 
this green - -
{Kissing sounds}
-beast.
-Hey!
-That's my princess! Go find you own!
-Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
-Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are!
-Oh! Of couse! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduse myself. Oh, Merry 
Men. 
{Laughs}
{Accordion}
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
I steal from the rich and give to the needy.
He takes a wee percentage, 
But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels
Man, I'm good
What a guy, Monsieur Hood
Break it down
I like an honest fight
and a saucy little maid
What he's basically saying
is he likes to get - - 
Paid
So
When an orge in the bush
grabs a lady by the tush
That's bad
That's bad
When a beauty's with a beast
it makes me awfully mad
He's mad
He's really, really mad
I'll take my blade and
ram it through your heart
Keep your eyes on me, boys
'cause I'm about to start
{Grunts, Groans}
{Karate Yell}
{Merry Men Gasping}
{Panting}
-Man, that was annoying!
-Oh, you little- - 
{Karate Yell}
{Accordion}
{Shouting, groaning}
{Chuckles}
-Uh, shall we?
-Hold the phone.
{Grunts}
Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
-What?
-That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
-Well - - {Chuckles} When one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these 
things in case there's a - - There's an arrow in your butt!
-What? Oh, would you look at that?
-Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry.
-Why? What's wrong?
-Shrek's hurt.
-Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die.
-Donkey, I'm okay.
-You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep 
you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the 
Heimlich?
-Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and 
find me a blue flower with red thorns.
-Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. 
Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
-{Both} Donkey!
-Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.
-What are the flowers for?
-For getting rid of Donkey.
-Ah.
-Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out.
-Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'.
-I'm sorry, but it has to come out.
-No, it's tender.
-Now, hold on.
-What you're doing is the opposite of help.
-Don't move.
-Look, time out.
-Would you - - 
{Grunts}
-Okay. What do you propose we do?
-Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red 
thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue 
flower, red thorns.
-Ow!
-Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'!
-Ow! Not good.
-Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.
{Grunts}
-It's just about - - 
-Ow! Ohh!
-Ahem.
-Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - 
-Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
-Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was 
just- - Ugh! 
-Ow!
-Hey, what's that?
{Nervous chickle}
-That's- - Is that blood?
{Sighs}
{Bird chirping}
{Grunts}
My beloved monster and me
We go everywhere together
Wearin' a raincoat
that has four sleeves
Gets us through all kinds of weather
-Aah!
She will always be the only thing
That comes between me and the awful sting
That comes from living in a world
that's so damn mean
{Croaks}
Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
-Hey!
La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la
{Both laughing}
La-la, la-la, la-la
-There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you.
-That's DuLoc?
-Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for 
something, which I think means he has a really - - Ow!
-Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on.
-Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey.
{Blubbering}
-What?
-I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. 
-What are you talking about? I'm fine.
-That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on 
your back. Dead.
-You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down?
-Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.
-I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and 
when I turn my head like this, look, 
{Bones crunch}
-Ow! See?
-Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.
-I'll get the firewood.
-Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! I don't have any 
toes! I think I need a hug.
-Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
-Uh, weedrat. Rotisserie style.
-No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
-Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I 
make a mean weedrat stew.
{Chuckling}
{Sighs}
-I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
{Gulps}
-Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind 
of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it.
{Chuckles}
-I'd like that.
{Slurps, laughs}
See the pyramids along the Nile
-Um, Princess?
Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
-Yes, Shrek?
-I, um, I was wondering.
Just remember, darling all the while
-Are you- -
You belong to me
{Sighs} 
-Are you gonna eat that?
{Chuckles}
-Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset.
-Sunset?
-Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late.
-What?
-Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, 
aren't you?
-Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside.
-Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until 
- - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.
{Shrek sighs}
-Good night.
-Good night.
{Door creaks}
-Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here.
-Oh, what are you talkin' about?
-I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. 
And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it.
-You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad.
-Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in 
and tell her how you feel.
-I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, 
well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a 
princess, and I'm - - 
-An orge?
-Yeah. An orge.
-Hey, where you goin'?
-To get... move firewood.
{Sighs}
-Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you?
{Wings fluttering}
-Princess?
{Creaking}
{Gasps}
-It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games.
{Screams}
-Aah!
-Oh, no!
-No, help!
-Shh!
-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
-No, it's okay. It's okay.
-What did you do with the princess?
-Donkey, I'm the princess.
-Aah!
-It's me, in this body.
-Oh, my God! You ate the princess. Can you hear me?
-Donkey!
-Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there!
-No!
-Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
-Shh.
-Shrek!
-This is me.
{Muffled mumbling}
-Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different.
-I'm ugly, okay?
-Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats 
was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - 
-No.
-I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember.
-What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before.
-It's only happens when sun goes down.
"By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you 
find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form."
-Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry.
-It's a spell.
{Sighs} 
-When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I 
become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to 
await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry 
Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this.
{Sobs}
-All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not 
that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look 
like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7.
-But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant 
to look.
-Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad?
-I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell.
-But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you 
got a lot in common.
-Shrek?
-Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for 
me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's 
pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might 
like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh - 
- 
{Sighs}
-I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
-I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I 
mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? 
"Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here 
with Shrek.
{Gasps}
-My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
{Deep sigh}
-Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only 
way to break the spell.
-You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth.
-No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know.
-What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?
-Promise you won't tell. Promise!
-All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. I just know 
before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy.
-Look at my eye twitchin'.
{Door opens}
{Snoring}
-I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. 
-Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want - - 
{Snoring}
-Shrek. Are you all right?
-Perfect! Never been better.
-I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you.
-You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last 
night.
-You heard what I said?
-Every word.
-I thought you'd understand.
-Oh, I undersatnd. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly 
beast?" 
-But I thought that wouldn't matter to you.
-Yeah? Well, it does.
{Gasps, sighs}
-Ah, right on time.
{Horse whinnies}
-Princess, I've brought you a little something.
{Fanfare}
{Yawns}
-What'd I miss? What'd I miss?
{Muffled}
-Who said that? Couldn't have been a donkey.
-Princess Fiona.
-As promised. Now hand it over.
-Very well, orge. The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed.
-Take it and go before I change my mind.
-Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I 
have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad.
-Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no.
{Snaps fingers}
-Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... farewell.
-Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the 
orge. It's not like it has feelings.
-No, you're right. It doesn't.
-Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawerss Fiona. I ask your hand in 
marriage.
{Gasps}
-Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
-Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - 
-Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!
-No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun 
sets.
-Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's 
so much to do! Threre's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest 
list. Captain, round up some guests!
-Fare-thee-well, orge.
-Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away.
-Yeah? So what?
-Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to 
her last night, She's - - 
-I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? 
Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home?
-Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you.
-I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! 
My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, 
pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys!
-But I thought - - 
-Yeah. You know what? You tought wrong!
-Shrek.
I heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do ya
It goes like this the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall the major lift
The baffled king composing hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Baby, I've been here before
I know this room I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
And all I ever learned from love
Is how to shoot at someone
Who outdrew you
{Moaning}
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah
{Moaning}
Hallelujah, hallelujah
{Thumping sound}
-Donkey?
{Grunts}
-What are you doing?
-I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see 
one.
-Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not 
through it.
-It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half.
-Oh! Your half. Hmm.
-Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I 
get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks 
like your head.
-Back off!
-No, you back off.
-This is my swamp!
-Our swamp.
-Let go, Donkey!
-You let go.
-Stubborn jackass!
-Smelly orge.
-Fine!
-Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet.
-Well, I'm through with you.
-Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess 
what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are 
mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! 
You're always pushing me around or pushing me away.
-Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back?
-Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other!
-Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in 
the back!
-Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your 
own feelings.
-Go away!
-There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she 
ever do was like you, maybe even love you.
-Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of 
you talking. 
-She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody 
else.
-She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about?
-Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. 
Right? Right?
-Donkey!
-No!
-Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right?
{Sighs}
-I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly orge. Can you 
forgive me?
-Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
-Right. Friends?
-Friends.
-So, um, what did Fiona say about me?
-What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her?
-The wedding! We'll never make it in time.
-Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I 
have a way.
{Whistles}
-Donkey?
-I guess it's just my animal magnetism.
{Laughing}
-Aw, come here, you.
-All right, all right.Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. 
All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install 
the seat belts yet.
-Whoo!
{Bells tolling}
{All gasping}
-People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witnss to the union....
-Um-
-of our new king - -
-Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"?
{Chuckling}
-Go on.
-Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about 
that? Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't 
you?
-What are you talking about?
-There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak 
now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!"
-I don't have time for this!
-Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this 
woman, don't you?
-Yes.
-You wanna hold her?
-Yes.
-Please her?
-Yes!
-Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that 
romantic crap!
-All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line?
-We gotta check it out.
-And so, by the power vested in me, 
-What do you see?
-The whole town's in there.
-I now pronounce you husband and wife,
-They're at the altar.
-king and queen.
-Mother Fletcher! He already said it.
-Oh, for the love of Pete!
{Grunts}
-I object!
-Shrek?
{Gasps}
-Oh, now what does he want?
-Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first at all. 
Very clean.
-What are you doing here?
-Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but 
showing up uninvited to a wedding - -
-Fiona! I need to talk to you.
-Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll 
excuse me - - 
-But you can't marry him.
-And why not?
-Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king.
-Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him.
-He's not your true love.
-And what do you know about true love?
-Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - 
-Oh, this is precious. The orge has fallen in love with the princess! 
Oh, good Lord.
{Crowd laughting}
-An orge and a princess!
-Shrek, is this true?
-Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away 
from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! Mmmmm!
-"By night one way, by day another." I wanted to show you before.
{Whimpers}
{Crown gasping}
-Well, uh, that explains a lot.
-Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of 
my sight now! Get them! Get them both!
-No, no!
-Shrek!
-This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that 
makes me king! See? See?
-No, let go of me! Shrek!
-No!
-Don't just stand there, you morons.
-Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! 
-I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and 
quartered!
-You'll beg for death to save you!
-No, Shrek!
-And as for you, my wife,
-Fiona!
-I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days!
-I'm king!
{Whistles}
-I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - Aaaah!
-Aah!
-All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to 
use it.
{Roars}
-I'm a donkey on the edge!
{Belches}
-Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?
{Cheering}
-Go ahead, Shrek.
-Uh, Fiona?
-Yes, Shrek?
-I - - I love you.
-Really?
-Really, really.
- I love you too.
-Aawww!
-"Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true 
form."
-"Take love's true form. Take love's true form."
-Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
-Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.
-But you ARE beautiful.
{Chuckles}
-I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Oy!
Meant for someone else but not for me
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Disappointment haunted all my dreams
And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer and not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
Ooh-aah
I'm a believer I couldn't leave her
If I tried
-God bless us, every one.
Come on, y'all!
Then I saw her face
Ha-ha
Now I'm a believer 
Listen!
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
Ooh-aah
I'm a believer 
I couldn't leave her if I tried
-Ooh!
-Uh!
Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer 
Hey!
Not a trace
Uhh! Yeah.
Of doubt in my mind
-One more time!
I'm in love
I'm a believer 
Come on!
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, 
I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe, hey
Y'all sing it with me!
I
Believe
I believe
People in the back!
I believe
I'm a believer 
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe
{Hysterical laughing}
-Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh.
-I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
I believe in self-assertion
Destiny or a slight diversion
Now it seems I've got my head on straight
I'm a freak an apparition
Seems I've made the right decision
To try to turn back now it might be too late
Now I want to stay home today
Don't wanna go out
If anyone comes to play
Gonna get thrown out
I wanna stay home today
Don't want no company
No way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna be a millionaire someday
But know what it feels like to give it away
Watch me march to the beat of my own drum
And it's off to the moon and then back again
Same old day Same situation
My happiness rears back as if to say
I wanna stay home today
Don't wanna go out
If anyone comes to play
Gonna get thrown out
I wanna stay home today
Don't want no company
No way
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna stay home, stay home, stay home.........
I get such a thrill when you look in my eyes
My heart skips a beat
Girl, I feel so alive
Please tell me, baby, if all this is true
'Cause deep down inside all I wanted was you
Oh-oh-oh
Makes me wanna dance
Oh-oh-oh
It's a new romance
Oh-oh-oh
I look into your eyes
Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives
When we first met
I could hardly believe
The things that would happen 
and we could achieve
So let's be together
for all of our time
Oh, girl, I'm so thankful
that you are still mine
You always consider me
like an ugly duckling
And treat me like a Nostradamus
was why I had to get my shine on
I break a little something
to keep my mind on
'Cause you had my mind gone
Eh-eh, eh-eh, eh-eh
Turn the lights on, Come on, baby
Let's just rewind the song
'Cause all I want to do is 
make the rest years the best years
All night long
Oh-oh-oh
Makes me wanna dance
Makes me wanna dance
Oh-oh-oh
It's a new romance
It's a new romance
Oh-oh-oh
I look into your eyes
Oh, yeah, yeah
I look into your eyes
Oh-oh-oh
The best years of our lives
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah..............
Everything looks bright
Standing in your light
Everything feels right
What's left is out of sight
What's a girl to do 
I'm telling you
You're on my mind
I wanna be with you
'Cause when you're
standin' next to me
It's like wow
And all your kisses
seem to set me free
It's like wow
And when we touch
it's such a rush
I can't get enough
It's like- - It's like
Ooh-ooh
Hey, what
It's like wow
Ooh-ooh, hey
Hey, yeah
It's like wow
Everything is looking
right now, right now
It's like wow
And I got this feeling
This feeling 
it's just like wow
It's just like wow
You are all I'm thinking of.
Like wow
Everything feels right
Everything feels right
Like wow
Everything looks bright
All my senses are right
Like wow
Everything feels right
Baby, baby, baby
the way I'm feeling you
Is like wow
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There is something
that I see
In the way 
you look at me
There's a smile
There's a truth
In your eyes
What an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it be
This is where I belong
It is you I have loved
All long
There's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home
my heart's searched for
So long
It is you I have loved
All long
Whoa, over and over
I'm filled with emotion
As I look
Into your perfect face.