Clarinet Cadet

Clarinet Cadet is the fourteenth episode of Season One in Welcome to Fancyland!. It was written by FireMatch.
==Plot==
Squidward loses his old clarinet, and has to find a replacement. However, the replacement has other plans for Squidward when it hears his clarinet playing.
==Synopsis==
A clam cock-a-doodle-doos outside Squidward’s window, which causes him to wake up and stretch.
“Ah, another luxurious and miserable day,” he says. “At least I have a pastime I can partake in despite my loser neighbors.”
Squidward puts his four slippers on, and goes into his music room. However, his clarinet is missing from its leather case.
“What the-? SPONGEBOB!” he yells.
“Squidward, I didn’t take it this time,” SpongeBob says from his window. “Patrick, did you take it?”
“Nope,” Patrick says while teething on a bar of gold. “I’m just teethin’.”
Squidward pouts and looks everywhere in his massive tiki head, but to no avail.
“Well, it’s a good thing I’m rich as ever now,” Squidward says. “Off to the clarinet shop! If there even is such a thing…”
Cut to Squidward finding a clarinet shop in town.
“There IS such a thing. Who knew?”
He walks inside, and looks at all the clarinets.
“Wow,” he says. “So many choices. So many BAD choices.”
“Did somebody say bad choices?” a voice asks.
“Why, yes I did. What’s the best clarinet you got?”
“Lemme show you. It's right this way, sir.”
The voice is revealed to be a clerk, and shows Squidward the single best clarinet in the store: a golden plated clarinet with many bells and whistles.
“This is our best clarinet, and-”
“I’ll take it!” Squidward interrupts.
Squidward purchases the clarinet and runs off with it.
“That’s foolish of him,” the store clerk says. “He didn’t even get to let me say that it critiques your music playing. Oh well.”
Squidward runs back to his house and immediately opens the case to take out the clarinet. He takes it out and starts playing it.
“Wow, this thing feels so much better than ol’ Clarry. Sorry, honey,” he says.
As he continues playing, he hears a faint scream from the clarinet. He ignores it, until the clarinet slaps him in the face.
“Hey!” the clarinet says. “Why the heck are you so bad? I’m a PRO clarinet, not a MEDIOCRE clarinet.”
“Mediocre?” Squidward asks.
“That’s right. And I’m gonna keep calling you mediocre unless we change some things around here. Say, what’s up with that robot over in that corner?”
“Uh… I forget.”
“That looks like a Music Training Bot 5000. You’re telling me this thing has been gathering dust this whole time?!”
“I thought I was a good clarinet player.”
“Oh no no, not even close. Now, let’s get started with lesson one: How to Play the Clarinet.”
“So… you want me to play you?”
“Ugh, don’t make it sound so suggestive! Anyway, to play the clarinet, you must first-”
“Boring. Get to the point.”
“Squidward, I AM getting to the point!”
“How did you know my name?”
“I scanned your tentacle print.”
“Okay…. That’s a little creepy.”
“Can we get back on topic here? Sheesh. To play the clarinet, you must first know how to hold it. You hold it like so…”
The clarinet displays a hologram on how to hold a clarinet.
“Pfft, that’s easy,” Squidward claims. “I can do it right now.”
Squidward struggles to hold the clarinet like how the hologram shows.
“Tsk tsk tsk, nothing will be easy in the ears of music. All you can do is keep on practicing,” the clarinet says. “I’ll do it for you.”
The clarinet moves Squidward’s hands so that they are holding the clarinet properly.
“There, much better. Now for lesson two: How to Play the Clarinet… part two.”
“You didn’t think this through, did you?”
“This is entirely improvised.”
A montage plays of the clarinet teaching Squidward the basics of playing the clarinet. The clarinet cringes when Squidward plays his first notes. At the end of the montage, the clarinet sighs with frustration.
“Well, Squidward, I must say…”
“What is it? Did I do good?” Squidward asks.
“You did absolutely terrible. I’ve never seen a worser student than an octopus such as you.”
“Nonsense! I can play just fine now! Just listen.”
Squidward then plays the clarinet horribly, even making the soundproof glass in his house… break from the sound.
“I thought those were soundproof!” Squidward says.
“They aren’t foolproof, though, I’ll say that,” the clarinet retorts.
“Hey! I take offense.”
“There’s only one way that I can get you to learn… and it’ll cost you.”
“How much?”
“Oh it isn’t money. It’s much more than just that…”
Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick playing bubble seahorses.
“Giddy up, Sir Patrick!” SpongeBob exclaims.
“What in tarnation?” Patrick yells back.
“Patrick, you aren’t supposed to say that until-”
“No, I mean it! Look at Squidward!”
Squidward is seen in his window playing his new clarinet to absolute perfection.
“I haven’t seen him play the clarinet that well since my last baby tooth fell out!” Patrick says.
“That new clarinet must’ve shaped him up into a new player. Let’s go see him!” SpongeBob says enthusiastically.
SpongeBob and Patrick ring the doorbell to Squidward’s house. Squidward opens the door with a more enthusiastic smile than usual.
“Wow, Squidward, I must say. I’m really proud of your clarinet playing,” SpongeBob says.
“Sorry… SpongeBob SquarePants… I must go back to practicing for the big recital tonight. It is of utmost importance.” Squidward replies in a monotone voice.
Squidward slams the door shut in front of the two.
“Something’s up with Squidward. Should we check it out?” SpongeBob asks.
“If we’ve learned anything about Squidward, we should check it out,” Patrick says.
“Wow, Patrick. For once you’re actually making sense.”
“How many cents?”
“Forget it.”
(SpongeBob uses his finger to pick Squidward’s door’s lock, and sneakily walks in along with Patrick. They hear Squidward playing the clarinet flawlessly, and hear maniacal laughing.)
“Evil laughter. You know what that means…” SpongeBob says.
SpongeBob runs into the music room and screams.
“PLANKTON! Trying to steal the formula again, eh?”
“Plankton? I have never heard of such a buffoon,” Squidward says in a robotic voice. “The only buffoon I have heard of is myself. Hahaha.”
“Squidward, something’s wrong with you. You’re never this monotone, and that’s saying something.”
“What are you talking about? It is not as if I am being controlled right now.”
“Hmm… okay then!”
SpongeBob pretends to walk away, and then goes right back up to Squidward’s face.
“Listen here, buster. Unhand Squidward right now, or else things will have to get crazy.”
“Ha! As a high-IQ clarinet, I say you’ll never find out where the brain chip is! Never- oh wait did I just say that out loud?”
“Man, twist villains are always so dumb…”
SpongeBob grabs hold of Squidward’s head and finds the chip, and tries to rip it off.
“Not as dumb as you think, eh? It’s glued on as tight as clarinetly possible!”
“That isn’t even a real word! But it’s probably a true statement…”
SpongeBob thinks for a moment, but gets distracted by the clarinet hitting him in the face.
“I never knew clarinets were so sharp.”
“Neither did I. It’s improvised. Now leave or else I’ll have to resort to drastic measures.”
“What drastic measures?”
“You asked for it…”
The clarinet pulls out a chip from its pocket (don’t ask) and glues it on SpongeBob’s head tightly.
“Now you’re ALSO under my control! (evil laughter)”
SpongeBob laughs. “It tickles!”
“What?! You can’t be controlled? This is bogus,” the clarinet says.
“Luckily I know what a little saliva can do. Go saliva!” SpongeBob says, and then he spits on the chip, making it slide off.
“Huh?” Squidward wakes up from a trance. “Was I being controlled? I feel all tingly in my tentacles.”
“Squidward, you’re back again!” SpongeBob exclaims.
“...Again?”
“Never mind that. I’m just so glad you’re back. There was a chip implanted onto your nose.”
“My nose?” Squidward feels his nose. “Huh.”
“Ugh, enough with the cheesiness. Squidward, you’re a lost cause,” the clarinet says. “I have other students to teach. Toodles!”
The clarinet zooms off through Squidward’s window.
“I need to fix that...” Squidward says.
(end)
Category:Welcome to Fancyland!
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
Category:2020 Transcripts
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:FireMatch
Category:Episodes written by FireMatch
Category:2020s