Survival of the Fittest (Cult of Squid)

Survival of the Fittest is the seventy-third episode of Cult of Squid. It released on February 6th, 2024 and was written by Locknloaded23 and Purple133.
==Plot==
LRH dispatches his own personal kill squad to take care of the cult once and for all; elsewhere, SpongeBob and Plankton continue to explore Project Phoenix's mysterious mine.
==Transcript==
(Episode begins with Crayons and Squidward firing guns at Phoenix Guards who are swarming the sight of the secret basement)
Crayons: THEY JUST KEEP COMING!
Squidward: Crayons, is there any way we can make these guns more powerful?
Crayons: I could maybe combine them into one BIG gun?
Squidward: Do it then!
(The Phoenix Guards try to surround the two but Squilliam runs one over with a motorcycle)
Squilliam: Miss me?
Squidward: Yeah! Where the f[dolphin chirp] did you go?!
Squilliam: Had to go to my old mansion to pick this up! Now, hop on!
(Crayons and Squidward hop on the motorcycle as they gun down Phoenix soldiers chasing after them as they circle the perimeter, kicking up huge dust clouds as they jump into the secret basement entrance without being seen as the soldiers look around in confusion)
Phoenix Soldier: (speaking into radio) Boss, we’re struggling to beat them! They just made a getaway! We can’t find them!
(LRH’s voice cuts through the radio)
LRH: Then I think it’s time we release the Ember Squad. 
Phoenix Soldier: Are you sure? Weren’t they dishonorably discharged? And I thought they were only supposed to be used when-
LRH: YOU WILL DO WHAT I ASK, INFERIOR. GO GET THEM! NOW!
Phoenix Soldier: But sir, we-
LRH: Soldiers, shoot him.
Phoenix Soldier: NO, WAIT-
(A different Phoenix soldier suddenly shoots the other one in the head and picks up the walkie talkie from their corpse)
Soldier: We’re going to get the Embers now, sir.
(Cut to the cult’s basement hideout, Squidward, Crayons, and Squilliam arrive back to Noseward and Buff Jim talking)
Squidward: Buff Jim? You’re alive?
Buff Jim: Yeah, I am! You guys must’ve left without me, I went on a CRAZY adventure before I found my way back here. 
Squidward: Oh that’s right, we forgot to take you up North.
Buff Jim: You guys went up North?
Squidward: We did, but I don’t want to dive into that right now.
Buff Jim: Well that explains why we have a prisoner. 
Squidward: Speaking of, I should go give him lunch.
(Squidward walks to a cabinet to rummage for food, grabs a can of peanut brittle to bring to Jerry, and then walks to give it to him)
Squidward: I got some food for you. 
Jerry: Peanut brittle? Really, am I just a joke to you?
Squidward: It’s either this or expired Canned Bread. You’re lucky we’re feeding you at all. 
Jerry: (sudden voice change) ya know laddy, I remember my days as the captain of the ship. I didn’t eat for days and when I finally did, I scourged for it on my own on that desert island!
Squidward: (Slaps Jerry) God damn you. Who am I talking to now? 
Jerry: Cap’n Clawbeard the pirate! 
Squidward: How many of you are there?
Jerry: I haven’t a clue what you mean!
Squidward: How many of these alternate personalities do you have? I mean, I think I’ve met three, are there any others I should be aware of?
Jerry: (Normal voice) Well, there’s me, there’s Clawbeard, there’s the Comrade, and then there’s the Captive. I think that’s all of them. Then again, hell if I know. 
Squidward: The Captive?
Jerry: He doesn’t come out much. 
Squidward: Well, what does he do that’s different? 
Jerry: It’s been so long, I honestly can’t remember. Just leave me, please, Squidward. I have no use for you. 
Squidward: You know we can’t do that. You helped summon that beast. You killed one of our best men. You are a danger to us all.
Jerry: Yeah, I did all that. And I’D DO IT AGAIN. ALL OF IT. You’re out here playing hero trying to pretend like you’re turning over a new leaf but I know what you REALLY are, “Brother Squidward”. You’re Brother Squidward, the genocidal maniac. Every single person I ever cared about died because of your invasion. 
Squidward: It was-
Jerry: What, necessary? No it wasn’t. You’re a monster and I did what I had to do to try and stop you. You’re not a hero, you’re beyond redemption. 
(Squidward angrily huffs as he storms out; fade to SpongeBob and Plankton, still in the mine, hiding, inspecting the glowing crystal)
Plankton: I’ve never seen anything like this.
SpongeBob: What is making it glow?
Plankton: I’m not sure…
SpongeBob: Can you find out?
Plankton: Well, if we collect some and get it back to the base, Crayons and I could analyze its molecular structure. But for now… We gotta get the Hell out of here!
SpongeBob: We can’t! Look! The exit is totally guarded! They’ll see right through our disguises!
Plankton: What makes you so sure?
SpongeBob: Well… I guess I don’t know exactly, but I’d rather not risk it.
Plankton: Well, they clearly want these gems. 
SpongeBob: So they must be valuable, right?
Plankton: I think they might be a source of energy. I mean, if they glow like this, something must be happening inside it.
SpongeBob: I say, for now, we only have one option, and that’s to explore these caves further. See what we may uncover.
Plankton: As much as I don’t want to, I agree. This is our only option.
(SpongeBob and Plankton get out from their hiding place and look around; Plankton points towards a set of stairs leading to a door)
SpongeBob: S’pose we check it out?
Plankton: S’pose so.
(They both cautiously walk down the stairs and slowly open the door, and the pair is hit by a wave of orange light, blinding them)
SpongeBob: Is that the rebirth light?!
Plankton: No, no it can’t be. It wouldn’t just come through like that and not have any effect on us. 
SpongeBob: So what is it? 
(Plankton holds up the crystal)
Plankton: I’m pretty sure it’s whatever type of power comes from this crystal. I think it’s all connected somehow!
SpongeBob: Those crystals have the power to mind control people?
Plankton: I’m not sure, but I’m pretty certain. But until we test them, there’s no way to know.
SpongeBob: But LRH absorbed them into his body, right? What would it do to someone who did that?
Plankton: Again, we need to test it! I don’t know what these crystals are or what they do, but I don’t want to use them until we’re certain. As for now, we need to investigate this room!
(SpongeBob pushes the door open and is hit by another wave of orange light, and then sees somebody chained to the ground with a bag over their head)
SpongeBob: Plankton, quick! There’s somebody in here!
(SpongeBob runs up to the person and removes the bag to reveal Mr. Krabs, visibly very unkempt and with red bloodshot eyes)
SpongeBob: Krabs?!
Krabs: What the- where am I- SpongeBob? How are you here- is this another delusion? What are they- they’re trying this now? I’ve seen the future- I’ve seen the past- no, I AM THE FUTURE, I AM THE PAST.
(SpongeBob slaps Krabs)
Krabs: What the! Oh, are you that real? Really? REALLY?
Plankton: SpongeBob, I think this is some kind of torture room!
SpongeBob: Torture room?
Plankton: Yes! Put a man in an empty room with solid color floor and walls and they’ll go insane in days. I’ve done it before. It’s very effective!
Krabs: Are you the Leader? Is this the invasion? Where am I?
SpongeBob: Calm down, Krabs. You’re delusional. We got to get you out of here!
Plankton: But we can’t go through the way we came in. We’d be shot on sight!
SpongeBob: So, what do we do?
(Plankton starts thinking, sees Krabs’ claws and has an idea)
Plankton: We dig!
(Fade back to the rest of the Cult standing around talking)
Squidward: Hey, Noseward, do you think that maybe these enemies we’ve been fighting are right?
Noseward: About what?
Squidward: That we’re beyond redemption?
Noseward: Squidward, I firmly believe that we’re not. We’ve saved so many lives, probably more than the ones we’ve slain.
Squidward: Yeah, but-
Crayons: Squidward, you only think this because your enemies try to make you think that! They’re crushing your confidence so you can’t fight the good fight. Don’t give in!
Noseward: Squidward, I think that anybody can be redeemed if they put in the effort to make themselves better. Think about what we’ve accomplished! You’re trying to change, and I can say with confidence that you are not the same man who lead the invasion of Bikini Bottom all those years ago.
(Squidward warmly smiles) 
Squidward: Thank you for that, Noseward, I really-
(The hatch to the basement suddenly gets blown off its hinges and hits the ground, followed by a grenade dropping into the room and exploding. Everyone is able to jump out of the way but the grenade causes the roof to cave in, trapping the group)
Squidward: Oh crap, they found us! I don’t know how but they found us!
Noseward: We have to get everyone out of here.
Buff Jim: I can go get that Jerry fella so we can transport him wherever we go. 
Squidward: No, Jim, it’s okay. I’ll go take care of that.
(The basement shakes as more explosions can be heard above ground)
Squidward: More explosions? Why are they throwing so many grenades?
(Suddenly, an orange sword stabs through the roof, narrowly avoiding Squidward. Squidward runs back to Jerry’s holding cell)
Jerry: Are we under attack?
Squidward: Yeah. 
(Squidward opens Jerry’s prison and handcuffs him instantly)
Jerry: Come on, are these really necessary?
Squidward: You know they are.
(The room shakes even more as the explosions heard outside become more and more frequent and loud)
Squidward: Come on, we have to get out of here!
(Squidward hurriedly rushes back to the main room where everyone’s looking for an escape route)
Crayons: What if we just climb up out of this hole?
Squidward: And risk being shot at?
Crayons: I dunno, just an idea.
Squidward: There’s a back entrance, I came out here to get all of you.
(Hearing this, Jerry looks up and a look of genuine surprise crosses his face; everyone rushes back to the holding area)
Squidward: Right here, there’s another secret hatch that goes outside.
(Squidward pushes up against a button on the ceiling and another hatch to the outside opens)
Squidward: GO GO GO!
(Squidward stands back as Noseward leads Jerry up through the hatch, followed by Buff Jim, Crayons, Noseward, and the Tailor)
Squidward: Tailor? When the hell did you get here?
Tailor: I’ve been here this whole time! Now quit talking and get ready for the worst!
(The group all tread slowly on the sand as it fades To Krabs, Plankton and SpongeBob, using Krabs’ claws to dig through the wall)
Plankton: Dig, Krabs! Dig! Dig to freedom!
(Krabs digs even harder and faster)
SpongeBob: We gotta hurry!
(Krabs hears this, and starts digging so fast the wall glows red, until he digs into a room)
SpongeBob: What the Hell?
(The 2 observe where Krabs just dug into, and they enter a fancy little room with a desk in the center and several candles as well as a rug on the floor)
Plankton: Where… What… 
SpongeBob: This is a nice looking room. But I will bet you… we’re not supposed to be here.
Plankton: Well, let’s look around a bit.
SpongeBob: But, I don’t think that’s a wise idea.
Plankton: There’s no one here. We could probably get away with it.
(SpongeBob ponders for a bit while Plankton opens a drawer on the desk)
Plankton: Woah, check this out!
SpongeBob: What’d ya find?
(Plankton throws a voice recorder on the desk)
Plankton: Should we play it?
SpongeBob: I dunno…
Plankton: It could probably give us a clue as to where we are.
SpongeBob: In that case… Play it.
(Plankton struggles to press play on the recorder until SpongeBob does it for him; when it begins speaking, the pair are terrified to hear whose voice is coming out of the speaker; LRH’s)
LRH Voice: Vocal log day 104; still the unchallenged ruler of Bikini Bottom. My plan is going very well - Those Cultists have returned to Bikini Bottom… But that’s what I want. They’re falling right for my TRAP. Once they enter the Plaza to face me, they’ll be overwhelmed to see that I am even MORE powerful than before - thanks to all those crystals. They’re digging their own grave, and I shall dance on top of their tombs until my muscles turn to jelly.
Plankton: Uh… 
SpongeBob: Are you thinking what I am thinking?
Plankton: Yes… We need to get the f[dolphin chirp] OUT OF HERE and warn the others!
(The gang tries to run towards the hole in the wall, but when they get there they see LRH standing with his scepter pointed at them)
LRH: Going somewhere?
(Fade to the cult standing outside of the basement, four very distinct Phoenix guards stand before them)
Squidward: Who the hell are you guys?
(The guards look at each other. Each has a dark red version of the Phoenix suit, and the “normal” looking one steps out in front)
Blaze: Well, I’m Blaze. And these are my friends, the rest of the Embers.
Squidward: The… Embers?
(The biggest Ember steps forward)
Ember: I’m BURN. 
(The tallest and scrawniest Ember steps forward)
Ember 2: I’m BOIL.
(The shortest Ember runs a circle around the group at lightning speed)
Ember 3: And I’m BLISTER. Get it? Because of my blistering speed-
Boil: We get it, dude. 
Burn: WE HAVE TO EXTERMINATE YOU.
Blaze: Come now, we don’t have to fully “exterminate” you guys. We just have to put you out of commission!
Noseward: Is there a gas leak or something-
Blaze: We are The Embers; LRH’s personal killsquad. And we were sent to kill you.
Squidward: Hey, look over there, I think that there’s some prisoners of war escaping! 
Blaze: Huh? (turns around) Where? I don’t-
Burn: WHERE IS IT BOSS?
Boil: You IDIOTS, they deceived us! They’re running away!
(The cult is running in the opposite direction, Blister runs up to them and runs a circle around them)
Blister: Man, you really had us there with that one. Listen, we don’t have to necessarily “kill” you, we just need LRH to think that we did. 
Squidward: So can you just let us go then?
Blister: No, we gotta make it look like we tried. Plus, where would the fun be in that?
Squidward: So what, you guys don’t like Lord Royal Highness or something? 
Blister: Well, we sorta got exiled for being “too dangerous to be around normal folk.” Whatever that means. 
(Blister kicks up some sand and the friction from his running turns it into glass shards that shoot at everyone, cutting and scraping their flesh)
Squidward: IT BURNS! F[dolphin chirp]!
(Burn runs at Buff Jim and head butts him)
Burn: ALWAYS TAKE OUT THE STRONGEST ONE FIRST! 
Buff Jim: What makes you- yeah okay I see your point. 
(Buff Jim and Burn lock arms)
Burn: YOU ARE VERY STRONG! I ADMIRE THAT! 
Buff Jim: Do you have to shout everything you’re thinking?
Burn: (takes a second to think on this) YES!
(Squilliam fires a pistol at Burn’s back but it crumples against him)
Squilliam: What the-
(Burn turns around and punches the ground, unleashing a wave of sand that pushes Squilliam back; Crayons grabs a gun and attaches some glass to it, then starts to add onto the gun until he fires a laser from it at Boil)
Boil: Oooooh, you’re a smart one, I’ll give you that.
(Boil grabs out his own twin pistols that fire lava and ice at the ground)
Boil: Too bad I’m smarter.
Crayons: What’s up with all these zingers? I mean, I’m all for it, but-
(Boil freezes Crayon’s legs in place)
Crayons: Ugh!
(Crayons throws his gun at the ice, breaking it; Squidward and Noseward have engaged Blaze with their swords)
Blaze: You two use swords? Neat! So do I!
(Blaze pulls out his own sword and quickly overpowers the pair, Noseward is barely able to kick him off before he can drive his sword through Squidward’s chest)
Blaze: Good parry, I was also incredibly well trained. 
Squidward: You talk a lot. 
(Squidward slashes at Blaze but he catches it with incredible speed and strength)
Blaze: Hey guys look what I did! I-
(Squidward punches Blaze in the stomach while he’s distracted)
Squidward: How old are you four??
Blaze: Well physically we’re adults but mentally I’d guess young teenagers? Not entirely sure, the specifics of the cloning process weren’t really too specific.
Squidward: Wait, Phoenix is making clones now?
Blaze: They’ve been doing it for a while, we’re sorta the first of our kind. 
Crayons: Cloning is a myth! I’ve tried it so many times before and never succeeded.
Blaze: Guess that makes me worth the hype then, huh?
(Burn pushes Buff Jim into Blaze by accident)
Burn: I’M SORRY!
Blaze: (stands back up) Burn, you idiot, I-
(Squidward swings at Blaze’s armor and lands a direct hit, knocking the wind out of him)
Blister: Ouch. That looked painful.
(Blister runs up to Noseward and punches him)
Blister: I’m over here!
(Blister runs around Noseward and punches him again)
Blister: Now I’m over here!
(Blister runs around Noseward again and kicks him in the legs)
Blister: Now I’m-
(Squilliam sticks his foot out, tripping Blister as he’s running towards him)
Squilliam: Maybe quit focusing on your one liners? They’re getting oh so very annoying. 
Blister: You gotta admit they’re pretty good though.
(Blister stands back up but Squilliam is able to push him down again and kick him in the stomach)
Squilliam: Who’s next?
(Blister leaps up and puts a blade to Squilliam’s throat)
Blister: Alright, anybody moves, and I’ll kill dear old Squilliam here. 
(Blaze overpowers Squidward and points a flamethrower at him, Burn is able to grab everyone else and throw them into a circle, and Boil has Crayons completely frozen solid)
Blaze: Listen fellas, it’s fun to goof around, but we were technically sent to exterminate you. I personally don’t like the whole killing aspect of our jobs, so we’ve opted not to do that for a while. 
Squidward: LRH’s most elite death squad doesn’t like murdering people?
Burn: NO.
Squidward: So what’s the alternative? 
Boil: I’m glad you asked! I developed a prison that’ll sorta just keep you trapped here for the rest of time. I call it, the PRISON CUBE. 
(Blister lets go of Squilliam and pushes him into the rest of the cult, Boil throws a small orb at the ground and it quickly forms a prison around the cult)
Squidward: So you’re not going to kill us, but you’re going to let us starve to death in this box? Isn’t this inhumane or something?
Burn: CRUSHING PEOPLE IS MESSY. I’M A FISH OF CLASS. 
Blaze: We best be off. We’ll tell LRH you died slowly and painfully.
(The Embers begin to walk away; cut back to the mine where Krabs, SpongeBob, and Plankton are looking for an escape route while LRH backs them into a corner pointing his scepter at them)
LRH: I’ll admit, I wish this were Squidward and the rest of his pitiful cult, but I will still enjoy every second of this.
SpongeBob: What’s going on in this mine? 
LRH: You’re about to die at my hand, and that’s what you want to know?
SpongeBob: I mean… Uh… It wouldn’t hurt!
(As LRH continues walking towards them he hears a noise in Plankton’s pocket)
LRH: YOU! EMPTY YOUR POCKETS AT ONCE!
Plankton: Huh?
LRH: DO IT. NOW. OR I KILL YOU.
(Plankton reaches into his pocket and pulls out the chunk of crystal. LRH gasps when he sees this)
LRH: YOU IGNORANT FOOL! DON’T YOU KNOW HOW DANGEROUS THAT IS, STORING THE GEM IN YOUR POCKET?
Plankton: How is that “dangerous?”
LRH: IF THOSE CRYSTALS BREAK OR SHATTER, THEY COULD CAUSE AN EXPLOSION!
(Plankton looks at the crystal, then smirks smugly)
Plankton: I have the power of a bomb right here in my very hand.
LRH: Silence, and-
Plankton: You don’t understand. You can’t kill me, because I have this crystal.
(LRH cautiously lowers his scepter)
Plankton: Harm either me or SpongeBob, and I break this crystal, blowing us all up!
LRH: YOU MANIAC! GIVE ME THAT CRYSTAL!
(LRH reaches towards it but Plankton pulls it away)
Plankton: WATCH IT, BUDDY, OR I DROP THIS CRYSTAL AND BLOW US ALL UP!
LRH: (Grunting) You miserable little…
SpongeBob: Plankton, what are you even saying?! Would you really kill us all just to get at LRH?
Plankton: YES, AND YOU’RE GOING TO WATCH ME DO IT IF HE DOESN’T. BACK. OFF.
LRH: (smirking) Fine, you win. 
(Guards show up)
Guard 1: Lord Royal Highness, shall we execute them?
LRH: No need, I’m letting them go. Escort them out please. 
(Everyone looks confused, while SpongeBob, Plankton, and Krabs go to leave)
SpongeBob: (quietly) do you really think he’s just letting us go like that?
Krabs: No, I don’t think he’d do that at all. But I’m glad he’s letting us leave to begin with.
Plankton: Still, I don’t trust it.
(Plankton looks at the guards, and menacingly holds the crystal as they flinch)
(As the trio leaves, Krabs’ eyes flash orange and then back to normal; Plankton suddenly stops walking as he turns around slowly)
Plankton: You know what? No. I am NOT leaving.
(Krabs and SpongeBob turn around)
Plankton: Because I HAVE DEMANDS, AND IF THEY AREN’T MET, YOU ALL DIE!
SpongeBob: Plankton! What are-
(Plankton runs back into the cave and jumps on the mining drill as everyone watches in horror)
Plankton: I COULD THROW THIS CRYSTAL INTO THESE OTHER CRYSTALS, CAUSING AN EVEN BIGGER EXPLOSION!
(We see a dramatic shot of Plankton threateningly holding the crystal as he laughs absolutely maniacally, and everyone watches in absolute terror; cut back to the Embers walking away from the cult)
Squidward: Crayons, is there any way you can get us out of here?
Crayons: Of course there is. You think this is my first rodeo? Cages are easy to break out of.
(Crayons pulls a small laser out of his pocket and slices through the cage)
Crayons: That was surprisingly easy!
(The cage instantly reforms)
Squidward: God damn it all. 
Crayons: Wait, what if we just keep breaking it over and over and over again? And then get people out one at a time?
Squidward: Would that work?
Crayons: Well, there’s a chance the cage reforms through you, which wouldn’t be great, but it’s really our only chance. 
Squidward: How big of a chance that we get sliced?
Crayons: About… Uh… 40%.
(Everyone just looks at Crayons nervously)
Crayons: Alright, Squidward, you’re first.
(Crayons lasers the cage again and pushes Squidward out before he can say anything, the cage reforms)
Squidward: ARE YOU MAD?!
Crayons: Well, the chance was pretty high that it would reform around your metal arm. 
Squidward: AND YOU TOOK THAT CHANCE?!
Crayons: Well, you’re alive… So, yeah! 
(Squidward’s yelling has attracted the Embers, who quickly turn around and come back)
Crayons: GOGOGOGOGO!
(Crayons keeps slicing through the cage and pushes Squilliam out, then Buff Jim, then Noseward)
Crayons: Wait, where’s-
Squidward: Crayons, weren’t you watching Jerry?
Crayons: Well I was, but he must’ve- CRAP!
Squidward: (Sigh) We’ll deal with this later. We have a fight to win!
Blaze: I told those idiots this would happen! God damn it!
Boil: It wasn’t supposed to, I just made the cage eco-friendly!
Burn: ECO FRIENDLY IS THE WAY OF THE FUTURE.
Blister: Enough talk, let’s put them into comas!
(The cult and the Embers all run at each other. Squilliam and Squidward take on Blaze, Noseward takes on Blister, Buff Jim and Burn begin to fight, and Crayons and Boil start shouting at each other)
Crayons: We both know that this isn’t the smartest option for either of our parties here!
Boil: That’s true, but we’re sort of on opposite sides of this war!
(Burn jumps onto Buff Jim’s back and begins to slam his fists into him)
Burn: YOU’RE TOUGHER THAN YOU LOOK YOU KNOW!
Buff Jim: I hit Larry’s gym a lot before the Cult took over. I wonder what happened to that guy, he got possessed by a demon and then sorta just went into the wind-
Burn: LARRY IS WEAK.
(Buff Jim kicks Burn off of him and the two lock arms; Squilliam and Squidward are struggling against Blaze, who’s overpowering them)
Squidward: Blaze, can we just talk this out? You guys CLEARLY aren’t under LRH’s full control, why do any of this?
(Blaze tries to punch Squidward but misses, somewhat intentionally)
Blaze: Well yeah, but we were made by him. We’re his creations, it’s not like we have a say in any of this.
Squidward: But you guys do!
(Squidward punches Blaze but Blaze catches his fist and pushes him back)
Blaze: No, we don’t!
(Blaze stabs Squilliam in the leg with a dagger)
Squilliam: OW!
Blaze: Sorry! I’m sorry! I-I don’t know what I’m supposed to-
(Squilliam pulls the blade out and stabs Blaze in the chest, the dagger breaks against his armor)
Blaze: Yeah, maybe this isn’t worth it.
(Blaze whistles his team back)
Blaze: We’re going to leave now.
Squidward: What in the… 
Blaze: Well you made a good point, none of us want any part in this. I want to be FREE!
Boil: I want to fix computers for people in New Kelp City!
Blister: I’m thinking about going above the sea and trying out for those “Olympics” I’ve heard legends of.
Burn: I WANT TO OPEN A BAKERY. 
Squidward: Go follow your dreams then, I guess. There’s no catch? You guys aren’t going to go get more men or anything? You genuinely want to leave?
Blaze: (pulls something out of his pocket) Here’s an alpha crystal. These suckers are really powerful, especially when harnessed with magic from that book I’ve been told you guys have. Take it, use it against Lord Royal [dolphin noises].
(Blaze tosses it towards Squidward who frantically catches it)
Blaze: Be careful, that explodes. 
Squidward: Well then, thanks for not killing us. 
Boil: One more thing, can you tell LRH that you were able to kill us? 
Squidward: Oh yeah, sure thing. 
Boil: Thanks, it really helps with this whole us disappearing bit.  
Blaze: So long!
(The Embers all walk into the horizon)
Burn: Guys I’m so excited to see where this new adventure takes us, I can’t wait to see what our lives are going to become now that we’ve been given the beautiful gift of free will and can choose our own fates rather than what Lord Royal Highness decrees we do; I think this is the start of a beautiful new beginning for all of us.
(The group pauses and everyone stares at Burn)
Blaze: That was-that was beautiful Burn, I never-
Burn: MUFFINS.
(The Embers disappear completely into the horizon)
Noseward: Well, that sucked. What now, Squidward?
Squidward: We find Jerry, then we stop Project Phoenix once and for all. 
Squilliam: Are you sure we can beat them? Last time you tried things got so much worse than they ever were. 
Squidward: I’m sure we can beat them because this time, we’ve got hope. Let’s burn this bird. 
(The camera fades to black)
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