Christian & Lloyd, post-Battleworn thread

RP log, December 02 2011, between Lunajile & CelebrenIthil
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This RP takes place right after this: http://tewi.us/tegaki/dblog.php?u=55254&e=1520122 Christian's Battleworn Thread
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:: Lloyd	
:: feels really, really bad, still.
:: Christian	
:: will stand still right there and watch the Medic crawl all the way long
:: Lloyd	
:: "I am really sorry."
:: Christian	
:: not looking away "...this... isn't remotely c-close to be -y-YOUR fault."
:: Christian	
:: clenches teeth
:: Lloyd	
:: "I guess..." He gently sets his hand on Christian's shoulder, determined to stay with him. "..but I'm glad you don't have to live with what I had to."
:: Christian	
:: thinks that he'll instead have to live with the guilt of what happened and might happen still to the RED Medic, but bites it down. It's not Lloyd's fault.
:: Christian	
:: "...t-thank y-you." Mutters under breath "tu es un bien meilleur ami pour moi que ce que je mérite"
:: Christian	
:: translation /you are way better a friend than what I deserve/
:: Lloyd	
:: wishes he'd paid more attention in his French immersion class, but no, he just had to be stubborn growing up, didn't he? "He'll be okay Christian. The medics all have hands on training too, once he's sure Asher's not gonna chase him down, he'll be okay."
:: Christian	
:: "..."
:: Christian	
:: clenches and unclenches fist
:: Lloyd	
:: knows that probably doesn't mean a whole lot right now. "So...why do you have a DNR on your file? We have respawn." This was probably the worst time to be bringing it up but he was curious.
:: Christian	
:: flinches
:: Christian	
:: "...I..."
:: Christian	
:: Christian's chest tightens, he feels blood rushing to face in beginning of panic. Of course, Lloyd was right there and he knows what a DNR is. F/ck.
:: Christian	
:: fights the urge to turn his face away from Loyd, focusing his gaze even harder on Julian's struggles
:: Lloyd	
:: senses a lot of hesitation, "It's okay, man, it'll just stay between the two of us.."
:: Christian	
:: shaky breath.
:: Christian	
:: guesses Lloyd's pretty much the person he trusts the most in... in.... well at least the whole continent, right now.
:: Christian	
:: ....still... doesn't even know how to begin talking about this
:: Christian	
:: nervously clenches/unclenches fist
:: Christian	
:: ".... I.... y-you've died before, right? (oh geez that wasn't how he wanted to start this)...aah...I-I m-mean, here, on t-the battlefield?"
:: Christian	
:: heavy breath. That really wasn't a good way to begin this.
:: Lloyd	
:: "A couple of times now, yes..." He hated admitting to it, but at least he didn't /have/ to say it was a scout both times. How embarrassing.
:: Christian	
:: Christian's heart skips a beat. Of course. Everyone does.
:: Christian	
:: bites the inside of his cheek to avoid asking the dreaded question. ...better off not knowing if Lloyd's died in the period of time he's known him.
:: Christian	
:: deep breath. Gotta go through with the rest, though.
:: Christian	
:: "....can...c-can I ask.... how d-does it feels...."
:: Christian	
:: "I mean.... t-to r-respawn."
:: Lloyd	
:: bites his lip slightly, trying to figure out just how to describe it. "It's..different depending on how you die, I guess. There's a fleeting moment where you don't feel anything, then it's like...every pain you've ever felt coming back at once. It doesn't last long for me though. I don't get sick from it like other people do."
:: Christian	
:: absorbs the new information
:: Christian	
:: "....and... and do.... do you feel like... l-like if you...y'know...."
:: Christian	
:: "....black out?"
:: Christian	
:: managed to avoid saying "cease to exist" at the very last second
:: Christian	
:: figures if he clenches his fists hard enough, Lloyd might not notice he has begun trembling
:: Lloyd	
:: scratches his head slightly, trying to think it over. It wasn't really something he paid much mind to, so it was hard to really explain it. "Well, the last couple of times were really sudden, I can't clearly remember a lot of the in between stuff..." he sighs, "What are you afraid of?"
:: Christian	
:: flinches again
:: Christian	
:: "...d-did you... did y-you ever.... t-thought that.... m-maybe...." words get stuck in his throat... Won't be able to say it. Lets out a shaky breath.
:: Christian	
:: "...I.... you s-see, when I... when I got b-burned..."
:: Christian	
:: this tangent isn't any better
:: Christian	
:: gotta keep up talking "...there has been a moment.... A moment I.... I simply... c-ceased to exists."
:: Christian	
:: "T-there is this hole in m-my life. Coma. It w-was coma. ....but for me, it's j-just.... oblivion."
:: Christian	
:: feels the words are starting to pour out
:: Lloyd	
:: wishes he was a little better at being comforting...he didn't know what to do when he was around people who tended to be emotional. Still, he got him talking, that was a start. "I understand that all too well..."
:: Christian	
:: "I k-know I d-didn't really c-cease to exist.... my b-body was still there, there has been p-people at my sides at all time t-to attest this.... but...."
:: Christian	
:: "T-there was n-no d-dream.... no light at t-the end of a tunnel.... n-no glimpse of t-the afterlife or anything like t-this.... just.... one moment I w-was terrified and h-hurting... burning.... and then I w-wake up n-numb and b-blind and l-lost...."
:: Lloyd	
:: "That's a lot like respawn..."
:: Christian	
:: still tries to focus on the RED Medic in the distance, but his vision feels all blurred
:: Christian	
:: shaky breath. Lloyd's just brought back the heart of the matter.
:: Christian	
:: "R-right... but in.... in my case.... my ph-physical body... it w-was always t-there.... even if.... whatever happened to... to my consciousness.... my b-brain was t-there...."
:: Christian	
:: "I... I have n-no idea if p-people... if we have s-souls... a spirit or anything.... even l-less if there is an a-afterlife.... all I c-can know if what I've... what I've experienced....)
:: Christian	
:: "...and...."
:: Christian	
:: "...and as f-far as I know, when we d-die here on the b-battlefield..... we die for good... you know?"
:: Christian	
:: heart constricts. He's said it. Well, he's said one part of it.
:: Christian	
:: half-dreads, half-hopes Lloyd will jump to the logical conclusion of this by himself
:: Christian	
:: or that he will wake up and the discussion will suddenly prove to have been all a dream. Along with the rest of today's awful developments.
:: Lloyd	
:: "Well..." This was something out of his league. He could see where Christian was going with this, and even something like respawn was so foreign to him that he doubted he could explain it. "I see what you mean. I hadn't thought about that before; That whole idea that this body I'm in, isn't mine.""
:: Christian	
:: breath catches.
:: Lloyd	
:: "Is that why you're so afraid of dying out here?" He already knew the answer to this question, really.
:: Christian	
:: totally can't handle keeping up any appearance of not being a trembling upset mess at this point
:: Christian	
:: "...it's n-not so t-that I'm afraid of d-dying...."
:: Christian	
:: "....that.... that I'm afraid.... that if I die.... s-some poor sod.... a c-.... a c-.... a c-copy... w-with my exact memories... will wake up somew-where in p-pain, and c-confusion.... and h-horror... in t-this godawful b-body of mine."
:: Christian	
:: "I don't want this! I d-don't want... this existence... to be imp-posed on anyone else.... e-even if it's me.... It w-won't really be me... just some.... new life... stuck... stuck being me...."
:: Lloyd	
:: rubs Christian's shoulder, "Well, I suppose that's more of what I mean. I wish I had an answer to give you that would give you a reason to trust the system but I don't know anything about it. I've just been blindly taking their words that things will be fine, paychecks will be mailed and just keep fighting."
:: Christian	
:: feeling the weight of Lloyd's hand on his shoulder kinda helps him not to break down in a mess again
:: Christian	
:: tries to speak again but his throat feels very tight
:: Christian	
:: "... t-this is why.... why I'm af-fraid to die.... or to .... or to k-kill anyone...."
:: Christian	
:: really does not see if the RED medic is still alive and crawling in the distance, vision has got too blurry anyways
:: Christian	
:: ".... and t-that I'm afraid to have y-you die on the b-battlefield too."
:: Lloyd	
:: bites his lip again. Now he was thinking about respawn with a different, and rather frightening perspective. "I wish I knew what to tell you, Christian."
:: Christian	
:: "....just..... j-just... tell me y-you'll be c-careful..." Really feels ashamed because he just got himself into life-or-death trouble earlier ".... please.... don't die."
:: Lloyd	
:: flashes him a half smile. "I'm always careful. That pyro from before just caught me off guard, that's all." He should be taking this a little more seriously, Christian's obviously concerned for him. "I'm not going to die out here. I didn't survive all the crap I did from before just to die out here."
:: Christian	
:: "T-thank you.... thank you so much..." would probably be ashamed of how relief this is making him feel but he's way too much of a mess right now to worry about what Lloyd would think of his weird emotional clinginess. He's the closest.... actually, the only friend he's had in.... a long time.
:: Christian	
:: "T...The boss has p-probably n-noticed by now...... along m-my ...av-voidance of g-getting killed t-that.... the way I n-never attack t-to kill....
:: Christian	
:: ...but if y-you c-could.... not t-tell the others....."
:: Lloyd	
:: knows Asher is long gone now, and there was no one else here, and thankfully Christian wasn't monsterously tall like a lot of the other guys on his team, so he wraps an arm around his shoulder giving him a quick hug, "Hey..come on, you're the first friend I made out in this crap hole....I'm not going to let you down. I won't tell anyone."
:: Christian	
:: stiffens at the sudden physical contact but then relaxes, feeling really relieved that Lloyd will hold his pretty shameful secret
:: Christian	
:: and also did he just say he his the first friend he made
:: Lloyd	
:: pats him on the shoulder. "Now come on...just, do trust me that the medic will be fine though, I've seen that group before, they're tough." Well...all except for /that/ medic, but he's sure he's okay.
:: Lloyd	
:: "You'd be surprised. I mean, when I had my accident, we didn't have the medi-guns on my base. Everything was hands on, and they saved my life back then. The human body can take a lot of punishment."
:: Christian	
:: nods "Y-yeah... I guess you are right... I s-survived my... ordeal... without m-mediguns, too..."
:: Christian	
:: "S-still, I hope none of our t-teammates will find him b-before he gets to RED...."
:: Lloyd	
:: "I think after that last hit, everyone would have retreated by now. Which reminds me, we should do the same. I don't want to go through all that again.."
:: Christian	
:: turns his head away and tries to somewhat subtlety rub the mistiness out of his eyes, then looks back in the distance. Cannot see Julian anymore.
:: Christian	
:: silently vows to the RED medic that he'll make up for this all if he can
:: Christian	
:: "A-alright, let's g-go."
:: Lloyd	
:: leads Christian back to the base. He had a lot to think about now, and is tempted to go take a look at the respawn system again when he has a chance.
:: 
Category:RP log
Category:Lloyd
Category:Christian|}