Episode 516: Gladys Knight/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 516: Gladys Knight.
==Cold open==
 	Pops snoozes. Gladys enters.
Gladys 	Hi, Pops!
Pops 	(awakens) Oh, who are you?
Gladys 	I'm the guest on The Muppet Show this week. I'm Gladys Knight.
Pops 	Oh, me too. I'm always glad it's night, it's too hot during the day. [laughs] Oh, I hope you didn't mind that.
Gladys 	It's okay. I allow one per show.
Pops 	Okay, come on in. But be careful. See, there's a fella up there fixing the roof. (looks up) Hey! Be careful up there, we've got an important guest here!
Worker 1	Who?
Pops 	She's Gladys Knight.
Worker 1	Yeah, so am I! It means I'm into overtime. [laughs]
 	She shakes the ladder.
 	
Worker 1	Hey, I was only funning, lady! (he falls down) Oof!
Gladys 	(aside) I said just one.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Gladys Knight! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo blows his trumpet triumphantly.
Gonzo 	I give autographs after the show.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, hi-ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
 	Behind him, a workman handles a rope.
 	
Kermit 	Uh, you may notice some workmen around, and that's because we're having our leaky roof fixed. Uh, but they won't interfere with the show.
 	The workman is pulled up by the rope.
Kermit 	Um … anyhow, it's going to be a wonderful show because our guest star is the dynamic Gladys Knight! Yes! But first...
 	A bucket of nails on a rope falls from the ceiling and hangs beside him.
Kermit 	Will you get this bucket of nails out of here?? (the bucket is raised) But first, this …
 	A trio of Whatnot archaeologists enter an Egyptian tomb singing "Night and Day". Inside, they are greeted by three sarcophagi, who join them in song. The caskets open to reveal three mummies, one of whom is Gonzo wrapped in bandages, and whisper some of the tune, inhaling incense.
Archaeologist	Look at them. I think they're glad to see us.
Sarcophagus 	When you've been stood up for 4000 years, you're glad to see anybody.
 	
 	The nine of them join to finish the song together.
Statler 	Well, those mummies didn't exactly bring the house down.
 	Some rubble falls near them.
Waldorf 	No, the roofers are handling that.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
Worker 2	Uh, are you the frog?
Kermit 	Uh, of course I'm the frog. Uh, what's that piece of wood?
Worker 2	Oh, well it's not just any old piece of wood. This is the piece of wood that holds up the roof. It's rotten.
Kermit 	Uh, wait a second. If that's the piece that holds up the roof, what's holding up the roof?
Worker 2	My foreman.
 	
Kermit 	He's holding the roof up?
Worker 2	Yes. Or, rather, no.
 	He falls from the roof. Some rubble comes down with him.
Kermit 	Uh, listen, guys. I've got to go introduce Gladys Knight. Uh, can you get this fixed?
Worker 3	Not me, there's something about heights I don't like.
Kermit 	Uh, what's that?
Worker 3	Falling from them. (coughs)
 	Kermit rushes on-stage.
=="Friendship Train"==
Kermit 	Okay, well folks, it's time now to meet our very special guest. So, here she is putting the show on the right track and choo-choo'ing into your station, let's say "all aboard" as we stop, look, and listen to Miss Gladys Knight, yaaay!
 	
 	Gladys sings "Friendship Train" on a carboard cutout of a train with three Whatnot engineers, Fozzie, Slim Wilson, some pigs, penguins, The Swedish Chef, a cow, a raccoon, Gonzo and some other Whatnots.
Waldorf	Great number. I love trains.
Statler	Yeah, but planes are safer.
Waldorf	They are?
Statler	Sure. I only rode on a train once and it had an accident.
Waldorf	What happened?
Statler	A plane fell on it.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Gladys and the other Muppets pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, guys. Great number, Gladys.
Gladys 	Hey, thanks Kermit. Hey, you know what? I just love those Mup-Pips.
Fozzie 	A-ha, "Mup-Pips"! Ha ha ha.
Gladys 	Hey, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Huh?
Gladys 	Where'd you learn to drive a train like that?
Fozzie 	Oh, oh, I studied. I had train training. A-ha-ha-ha!
 	Gladys rolls her eyes and goes to her dressing room. Another worker approaches Kermit.
Worker 4	Listen, mac, uh, we've got to talk. You are the frog, right?
Kermit 	Uh, uh, uh, of course I'm the frog. Who could I be, the Prince of Wales?
Worker 4	Listen, Prince. You've got big problems with this roof of yours.
Kermit 	Oh, boy. Can't you fix it?
Worker 4	Hey, I can fix it. But not here.
Kermit 	Well, what's that supposed to mean?
Worker 4	Well, we're going to have to take it in to the shop.
Kermit 	What?!
Worker 4	Okay, guys. Signal the crane now, lift her up!
 	Rubble falls as some loud rumbling is heard.
Worker 4	Okay, load her on the truck.
 	Fozzie, Rizzo and Scooter look up with bewilderment.
 	
Worker 4	See you when your roof's finished.
Kermit 	Well, when will that be?
Worker 4	Hey, I don't know. These things can take months, you know. (exits)
 	Gladys emerges from the dressing room.
Gladys 	Excuse me, Kermit?
Kermit 	Huh?
Gladys 	Um, have you noticed that the roof is missing?
Kermit 	(stammering) Yeah, I noticed that Gladys. But, uh, you must admit that it's a beautiful sunset.
Gladys 	Yeah, but I just heard the weather forecast.
Kermit 	Rain?
Gladys 	No. Snow.
 	Kermit whimpers.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on Piggy playing with a medical instrument, then rushing to the operating table.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Miss Piggy 	Ahem! Dr. Bob, how can you operate without a roof?
Rowlf 	It's better without a roof. Cuts down on the overhead. (laughs) That's doctor talk. (laughs)
Miss Piggy 	But, suppose it rains.
Rowlf 	We'll head for the nearest tax shelter. (laughs) That's more doctor talk. (laughs) Oh, Nurse Janice!
Janice 	Yes, Dr. Bob?
Rowlf 	Where have you been?
Janice 	Taking angry calls from the medical association.
Rowlf 	Oooh.
Miss Piggy 	(looks up) Dr. Bob, the sky is threatening.
Rowlf 	Yeah, so is the audience. But that's never stopped us. (laughs)
Piggy & Janice 	(groan)
Miss Piggy 	I don't know whether you should operate.
Janice 	Well, let's ask the patient. He can tell us. He's a weather man.
Rowlf 	You mean he knows whether or not I should operate?
 	They all laugh. A bolt of lightning almost strikes him.
Rowlf 	(looks up) I didn't think it was that bad.
Patient 	[singing] Don't know why there's no sun up in the sky…
Rowlf 	I do. Because it's night time. (aside) Pretty dumb weather man. (laughs)
Janice 	Oh, no he's not. He's a singing weather man. He's just telling you it's stormy weather.
Rowlf 	I don't believe this.
Miss Piggy 	But, he's right. It is stormy weather. I just felt some raindrops.
Patient 	[singing] ...keep falling on my head, they keep falling…
Rowlf 	There's gonna be more than that falling on your head. Where's that barometer?
 	They all look up as the announcer speaks.
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf 	He must be on a cloud.
Announcer 	Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
 	Hail falls from the sky.
Miss Piggy 	Dr. Bob, it's getting worse. It's beginning to hail.
Rowlf 	Hail?
 	
Patient 	[singing] ...the gang's all here. What the heck do we…
Piggy/Rowlf/Janice	Oh, shut up!
==UK spot==
 	
 	A caveman, backed up by prehistoric pigs, sings "Alley Oop". Animal chases around a bear and Butch with a club, but at the end, he's pulled off stage by a brontosaurus.
Waldorf	Oh, that number goes back a long ways.
Statler	Well, it didn't go back far enough. I could still see it.
=="God Bless the Child"==
 	Gladys stands by the piano as Rowlf plays.
Gladys	Oh, that's a nice blues, Rowlf.
Rowlf 	Mmm. It's easy to have the blues when you don't have a roof over your head. (looks up)
Gladys	True enough.
Rowlf 	Actually, this is a little number by my favorite blues singer, Fat Mama Jefferson.
Gladys	Fat Mama Jefferson … uh, I don't remember her. Was she a Black woman?
Rowlf 	No.
Gladys	A white woman?
Rowlf 	Actually, she was spotted.
Gladys	I beg — Come on, wait a minute. Don't tell me she was a dog.
Rowlf 	(nods) Boy, could she sing the blues. (Gladys laughs) She was a basset hound.
Gladys	Okay, I remember her now. Didn't she write that classic, "I Won't Hang My Head In Shame 'Cause I Step On My Ears When I Do"?
Rowlf 	That's Fat Mama, all right. But that doesn't sound like your kind of song.
Gladys	Well, not exactly. I lean more toward uh, Ma Rainey, Dinah Washington … Billie Holiday.
Rowlf 	Hey … Billie Holiday. (starts playing) Boy, she sang some great songs.
Gladys	Oh, I like that.
Rowlf 	Remember this one?
Gladys	I remember it, all right.
 	
 	She sings "God Bless the Child", and is joined on stage by Fozzie, Scooter, Pops, Lew Zealand, Annie Sue, Beauregard and Janice.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit notices a cloud of fog rolling in.
 	
Kermit 	Oh no, fog. That's the last straw. Hey, hey, Scooter? Would you take over for me for a minute? Uh, I've got to go see if I can do something about that roof.
Scooter 	Okay, chief. (through the intercom) Signor Baffi on next!
Fozzie 	Oh, boy. Look at this. Oh, Scooter, Scooter. Do you think there's room for my monologue in the show?
Scooter 	Oh, afraid not, Foz. Uh, but you can be in the next number. Yeah, Signor Baffi's assistant didn't show up.
Fozzie 	Oh, terrific. You won't be sorry. What do I do?
Scooter 	Well, uh, can you go out and stand on stage and smile?
Fozzie 	Can I! Can a fly bird? … Can a bird fly. Trust me. (heads on-stage)
Scooter 	Oh uh, Signor Baffi?
Signor Baffi	Uh, what?
Scooter 	Uh, you're on as soon as I introduce you. Say uh, this fog isn't going to interfere with your knife throwing, is it?
Signor Baffi	Oh, no. I'm'a aim'a by the sound anyway. You just tell the target to keep'a yelling.
Scooter 	Yeah.
Signor Baffi	This'a the stage?
Scooter 	Uh, no no. This way, Signor Baffi.
Signor Baffi	Oh, oh. Thank you.
==Signor Baffi / Backstage==
Scooter 	And now, the act you've all been waiting for: the one and only Signor Baffi and his flashing knives of death!
 	The curtain opens to a foggy stage. Baffi and Fozzie walk around aimlessly as lively circus music plays.
Signor Baffi	Oh, where's'a my target?
Scooter 	Hey, Fozzie. Are you there?
Signor Baffi	Oh, what?
Fozzie 	Yes sir!
Signor Baffi	What?
 	He throws some knives in Fozzie's direction, just missing him.
Fozzie 	Wha-huh-huh! There's- there's somebody throwing knives at me!
Statler 	Bravo!
Signor Baffi	Hey, where are you?
 	His next knife lands in the balcony, inches away from Statler and Waldorf. They duck.
Waldorf 	(whispers) Quiet! (Statler nods)
Kermit 	Scooter, you have to be crazy to send a knife thrower out in a fog like this.
 	WHAP! Another knife lands inches from Kermit's head.
Fozzie 	Kermit, help!
Kermit 	Fozzie, don't yell!
 	WHAP! Another knife lands inches from Kermit's head.
Kermit 	Beauregard, close the curtain!
Beauregard 	What did you say, Kermit?
 	WHAP! Another knife lands on the rope holding the curtain, bringing it down.
Beauregard 	Hey!
 	Backstage, the fog is so thick you could cut it with one of Baffi's knives.
Scooter 	Oh, good news, chief.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Scooter 	I think I feel a breeze coming up.
Kermit 	Oh, we could use some good news around here.
Fozzie 	Kermit, help! Help, hide me. There's this madman throwing knives at me.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, well don't worry, Fozzie. It's all over now.
Fozzie 	Oh, no. Here he comes! (dashes off)
 	
Signor Baffi	Hey, where's'a that'a bear? He's'a make'a swell target.
Fozzie 	No, I don't.
Signor Baffi	What?
 	He throws another knife. WHAP! It hits the staircase. Fozzie runs away screaming. Just then, the wind starts blowing all the papers away, as well as the fog.
Kermit 	Oh, boy. There goes the running order. Now, how do I know which act is next?
Scooter 	When in doubt, go with a star.
Kermit 	Uh, you're right. Uh, go tell Gladys she's on next, okay?
 	They both go their separate ways. Baffi is blown away by the wind.
=="I Heard It Through the Grapevine"==
Kermit	Uh, uh, uh, well ladies and gentlemen, I think the wind is about to die down here. Um, here she is with one of her greatest hits, a lady who can sing up a storm and may have to sing in one, Miss Gladys Knight, yaay!
 	
 	For the closing number, Gladys sings "I Heard It Through the Grapevine" with some backup grape singers, and Zoot on sax. By the end of the number, it's snowing so profusely, that a snow bank builds up on stage around Gladys as she's singing.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Uh, well, it looks like everything's come down except the curtain. But before we go, let us bring back our wonderful guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Gladys Knight, yaaay!
 	Gladys re-emerges, dressed in a mink coat.
Gladys 	Thanks, Kermit, it's been an evening I'll never forget.
Kermit 	Oh, well, that's too bad. I was hoping you would. Uh, listen, I'm sorry about this roof business.
Gladys 	Oh, that's okay. I'm dressed for it. But what about you? Aren't you cold?
Kermit 	Uh, no, I'm actually wearing my thermal collar.
 	The grapes groan.
Kermit 	Uh, but they don't look too happy out there in the vineyard.
Gladys 	Oh, they're just sour grapes.
 	
Kermit 	We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The other Muppets gather around as the credits roll. Meanwhile, the snow has reached the balcony. Statler and Waldorf have their winter clothes on.
Waldorf	We'll get pneumonia!
Statler	Big deal. This show always makes us sick!
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts