Open Season: Scared Silly/Transcript

It was a dark and stormy night.
The storm was electrical. No rain.
Too bad, because we could use some.
Okay, everybody.
Joke's over. Come on out.
Ian? Is that you? I'm pretty vulnerable out here.
I'm just a doe, a deer, a female deer, out in the woods all alone.
Where are you going, you simple lass?
To check on that noise. I want to make sure it isn't a scary monster.
Only a buffoon in a horror movie investigates creepy sounds... instead of running away.
Now stand back while I investigate instead of running away.
By those claw marks, I'd wager that's none other... than the Wailing Wampus Werewolf. Hold me.
I thought that was a legend.
Aye, the legend lives.
They needed a hero. And they were about to get one.
Who can protect us?
I can!
Elliot!
You're just in time, lad.
Oh, Elliot. I don't know how you find the courage.
It just comes with being a Wailing Wampus Werewolf whisperer.
Say that three times fast.
Wailing Wampus Werewolf Whisperer, Wailing Rumpus Rufleaf Rolips.
Weeling Rimpless Roplips... I can't do it! I'm not as skilled as you.
It's okay, McSquizzy. I'll handle this.
The werewolf communicates through interpretive dance, and so can I.
Elliot, please be careful. It's so dangerous.
Danger is my maiden name. Now stay here while I defend our home.
There goes the bravest and most handsomest muledeer... that ever graced this earth.
Moose pucky!
Your story's a sack of wee jobbies, you daft tube!
Who tells a story in black and white anyways, you jug-eared galoot!
Hello? It's called atmosphere.
Only a complete imbecile would ever believe... such a ridiculous story about a werewolf.
Actually, I find his story quite convincing.
Thanks, Boog. I can always count on you.
There was no doubt about it, that werewolf meant business.
Blood business.
Now, werewolves aren't like you and me.
Unless you enjoy ripping lungs out of things. But hey, who am I to judge.
I'm sure there are some perfectly nice werewolves out there... just waiting to be friends. But not this werewolf. Oh, no.
The Wailing Wampus Werewolf is a different breed.
He stalks the forest, looking for the biggest... juiciest tub of lard he can find.
One thing's for sure: This werewolf wanted to devour me.
Okay. All right. Time to turn in.
But he was just getting to the best part.
Yeah, Boog, this is when I really bring the scares home.
I stood face to face with the rabid beast.
Oh, you poor deer.
I could smell its smelly breath. I bet it smelled awful.
Its claws were long and sharp.
Well, you sure can paint a picture, Elliot. On that note...
There was only one thing sharper than the werewolf's claws.
Keep it together, Boog. Come on, go to your happy place.
Its deadly fangs!
He's worse than the bunnies.
Let's take a short intermission. There's refreshments at the lake.
And by that I mean you can drink the lake, which is refreshing.
I'll be right back.
Boog, that was awesome. You made the story so real.
When you wet yourself, that really pushed it over the top.
Yeah. Yeah, that's it. I was trying to help you sell your story.
Thanks to you, that was the scariest one I told all week.
These werewolf stories aren't actually true. Are they?
You have nothing to worry about.
They're absolutely true.
The Wailing Wampus Werewolf is real and ready to pounce.
That's what I was worried about.
Wait a minute. You're actually afraid.
Am not. Am too.
Am not. Am too, am too, am too, am too.
Am not?
All right. I'm afraid. Happy now?
I knew it! Wait, what are you afraid of?
Listen, I didn't grow up in the woods. I lived in a cozy garage, remember?
I had a comfy bed with my own blanky.
A bowl with my name on it, I think. Fishy crackers.
And Wheel of Fortune on TV!
Hey! Is that a unicycle? You got the best flashbacks, Boog.
Point is, I was safe.
You'll be fine. You're the fattest animal in the forest.
That's why the werewolf will come for me first.
I'm its main competition. I've gotta get away.
You are getting away. We're going on that camping trip. Remember?
I am not going camping with a monster out there.
You can't bail on this trip. We've been planning it for three years.
Think of the river rafting. The boogie boards!
Perfect for a guy named Boog! Zip lines.
Snorkeling. Parasailing. It'll be relaxing.
You expect me to relax when a werewolf is after me?
But you promised you'd go.
And when you make a promise to a friend, that's a promise to the end.
Because you never ever abandon your friend. Everyone knows that.
I'm sorry, Elliot. I can't. I'm gonna build a panic room... and hide until the werewolf dies from old age.
So what's a panic room?
It's a safe place you can lock yourself into to keep the werewolves out.
First, you dig a hole. Say this acorn is me.
And this ladybug is the werewolf.
So the ladybug tries to eat me, see? But she can't.
So you're afraid of ladybugs, too? Therapy.
I, Elliot Deer Esquire Junior the Third, née Danger, am hereby making it... my mission to help you overcome... your fear of the werewolf and ladybugs.
Please don't do anything.
Don't worry, Boog. Nothing bad is gonna happen.
Something bad has happened! Something really, really bad!
Mr. Weenie! What are you doing out here?
Is it the werewolf? Worse!
My beloved owner Bobbie is gone.
So is Bob, who I get along with but I'm not as close to.
What happened? I woke up in the RV... and they were not there. I will obviously never see them again.
Maybe they went on a trip.
Or maybe the Wailing Wampus Werewolf got them.
You're really not helping.
The unihorn is right. That has to be it. There can be no other explanation.
Don't worry. We'll get to the bottom of this.
We'll take out that bloodthirsty, impossibly large and vicious... werewolf and then we'll go on that camping trip.
See you in the morning, Boogster. Sweet dreams.
Elliot? Yeah, Boog?
Don't tell anyone I'm afraid of the werewolf.
Don't worry. We're speaking in the pine cone of silence.
Guess what, everybody! Boog is afraid of the werewolf!
You mean that was not an act?
Nope. He's genuinely terrified. Your stories aren't even true.
What? How can you say that? They're totally true.
You've never even seen this so-called werewolf.
I've never seen my so-called brain, but I'm pretty sure I've got one.
If you ask me, I saw this coming a long time ago.
I knew that bear couldn't hack it out here.
He's more like an em-bear-assment. Get it? Em-bear-assment.
Go easy on Boog. We all have our fears.
McSquizzy fears nothing! See what I mean?
And, Maria, you're afraid you're never gonna find someone... that you'll end up a spinster living with two pet bobcats.
Actually I wasn't afraid of that. Until now.
Mr. Weenie, you're afraid of hot dog buns.
Yeah! And pickle relish. And mustard!
Serge, you're afraid of duct tape.
Reilly, you're afraid of splinters.
And, Buddy, balloons scare the quills off of you.
Balloons.
And I'm afraid of whatever crazy thing you're gonna do... to help Boog overcome his fear.
You see, even Giselle is afraid. But I've got a brilliant plan.
It involves all of us. Here we go.
We're gonna scare the fear out of Boog.
And how exactly are we gonna do that?
Here's the plan. Ian, you're gonna be the star.
Naturally.
We're gonna take some skunks and throw in some ducks...
Beth! Dinkelman! We're home! It was all just a real long bad dream!
Oh, Beth, I'm so glad to see you! I knew you would never dump me in the woods!
Beth?
Nightmare.
Are you trying to scare me?
I was trying to say your name, but you jumped before I got to the "guh" sound.
Boo-guh. You're so impatient.
I'm really not in the mood.
I've got something that will make you happy.
Where'd you find that?
My main bear, Dinkelman. Actually, you're my main bear.
Dinkelman's my second main bear. Smokey's my third.
Do you want your baby doll back?
No one touches my Dinkelman.
Hey! That was my last one.
Lucky for you, a little bird told me a new shipment of Woo-Hoo bars... came into town. You've met Jerry, right? The little bird?
We can't go into town, the trail will expose us to the werewolf.
Not if we take the shortcut. Shortcut?
Yep. The shortcut.
Well, that looks nice. Yeah, we're going over there.
Through Dead Bear Gulch? Is there a problem?
I'm a bear. Also, I'm a bear! I don't want to die.
All bears die. Some bears never live.
Let's get you into that gulch.
No way. Nothing good ever happens in a gulch. Especially not in that one.
Boog, I got your back. And your front.
Cootchie-cootchie-coo. You're totally covered.
I don't know.
If not for me, then do it for Woo-Know-Hoo.
Oh, man! Why can't I follow my instincts instead of my nose?
Wait, you can't leave. What if I never see you again?
We're only going to town.
That's what Bobbie told me just before she was eaten by a werewolf.
If it makes you feel any better, you can hang with us, Mr. Weenie.
Oh, joyful day! My good luck has returned at last.
Come on, tree huggers! That tree is not part of the tour.
Lap it up, granola buffs. Here's nature in all its gory.
I mean glory. Trees and this thing.
Awesome.
Mr. Shaw? Exactly how long have you been a nature guide?
Too long. Ever since they declared open season illegal...
I've had to find another use for my unique talents.
Good news is, as a nature guide, I can still shoot whatever I see...
Oh, no! With a camera.
Oh, what a cute camera.
Take a gander, boys and girls. We've arrived at Dead Bear Gulch.
I've heard it's haunted. Me too.
Isn't this where the Wailing Wampus Werewolf was last sighted?
There's no werewolf down there. That's crazy talk.
A rumor propagated by the animals to distract us... from their overall plan of world domination.
Okay.
Well, let's get those sandals flip flopping.
If you're lucky, maybe we'll see a bird or something.
If you're really lucky, maybe it'll be dead.
What did I tell you, Boog? It's not so scary here.
Sure, there's spooky mist.
Die.
Bottomless pits that lead to the bowels of the earth.
I said "bottomless" and "bowels" in the same sentence.
And evil, dead trees that have "kill" on their minds.
But on the whole it's quite pleasant.
Excuse me one moment. I think I hear my mom calling.
He's coming! Let's scare the fear out of him.
Just like in rehearsal. Places, everyone. And action!
False alarm. It wasn't my mom. It was just gas.
What's that? I'm sorry.
That was my stomach. Without Bobbie to feed me, I'm so very hungry.
See? Nothing to worry about. It's just Mr. Weenie starving.
I'm pretty scared here! I wouldn't exactly call you "pretty."
This place gives me the creeps!
Ruggedly handsome, maybe, but definitely not pretty.
Boog: What's that? A vampire bat! An extinct Tyrannosaurus Rex!
Mr. Weenie: Such teeny arms, how does he comb his hair?
Boog: That's the scariest thing I've ever seen! Let's get out of here!
Elliot: No, Boog, face your fear. You look it in the eye and say, "I'm a grizzly bear!" And then you roar! Roar?
A spider! The Eiffel Tower! A cow. A chicken. Bunny and doggie.
Sailor's knot. Oh, bad idea.
Your roar worked. The shadows are gone. Now's our chance. Hurry!
You did it, Boog. You faced your fear.
You can face anything now, including a werewolf.
Now can we go on that camping trip? No way!
I just added more to my list of things that scare me.
Evil rock shadows and zombie skeletons!
Achtung, baby!
I'm out of here! Hold on. Be brave. We can beat it.
But how can we beat something that's already dead?
Face your fear with your face! And your eyeballs!
Elliot wanted us to move like a skeleton.
I'm doing the skeleton dance.
Skeletons don't shake their hips like they're trying to get a date.
Like you know anything about getting a date.
Why you gotta be like that? Well, this stinks.
What did I tell you? We beat it! Still scared?
More than ever.
If something happens to me, I want you to have my adorable sweaters.
Oh, come on. Chin up, guys! We don't have chins.
Sure we do. Right here. That's a muzzle.
It's a chin. See how I rub it. Mine is a snout.
Forget the chins. We've got courage and strength.
If the werewolf himself appeared, you'd scare him away too.
Wanna bet? Great idea. I'll summon the werewolf.
No, no, no. If I win the bet, we go camping.
If I win the bet, we get eaten! Deal.
Do you have to tinkle?
I'm performing the Wailing Wampus Werewolf dance.
Wampus Wailing Walla Walla Wampus Wailing Chimi Changa Wampus Wailing Walla Walla That's my cue.
Yeah, I don't think you should do this.
You don't think I've got the chops to scare that bear?
You don't even look like a monster. You look like a deer covered in moss.
It's all about the performance.
Trust me, Boog will be so petrified he'll forget he's scared.
Wolfie, wolfie. Where's wolfie? I don't want any part of this.
Your loss. Time for the maestro to work his magic.
Elliot: It's working! Wampus Wailing...
I can't see! Give me something soft.
Buddy.
Mr. Weenie, please tell me that was your stomach.
That was not my stomach, but I am still starving.
You wouldn't happen to have a burrito on you?
Quiet. It's here.
Wait a minute. That's not Ian. That's the real werewolf. Run!
That's gonna leave a mark.
What in the name of Uncle Sam's striped pajamas?
It's the werewolf! It's not a legend. Give me my gun!
The Wailing Wampus Werewolf. It's real. It's real.
The Wailing Wampus Werewolf! It's real! It's real! That was amazing!
No, it wasn't. I thought I was gonna die. I'm hyper-ventilating.
Anybody got a paper bag I can breathe into?
Perhaps one of my scented doodie bags will do?
No thank you. At least we're safe!
Hey, what's a car doing on this paved deer trail?
I just thought of something. Excuse me one moment.
I need a word with Mr. Weenie.
We faked the werewolf, but it's real!
If Boog can overcome his fear of a real werewolf, he's sure to be brave... enough to go on that special camping trip with me!
It's not fake! It's not fake!
What's not fake? The werewolf!
You mean it was fake before? No. It wasn't fake before.
But now it's really not fake! We'd better hurry.
We've got an appointment with some Woo-Hoo bars in Timberline!
Isn't it great how near-death experiences make you feel so alive?
Maybe I would appreciate near death more if I wasn't so hungry.
Look at us. Walking around, not dead. High five. Or high three in my case.
How could you put me in danger like that?
You're supposed to be my best friend.
Best friend? You've never said that out loud.
Hold on, I've got something in my eye.
I promised myself I wouldn't cry...
False alarm: it's just sweat.
Now that we're officially best friends, we should my theme song!
Elliot and Boog. And Mr. Weenie!
Elliot and Boog and Mister Weenie The bestest friends You've ever seen-ie Oh, Elliot is smart And Boog is all heart And Weenie's legs are so very teeny I've gotta be honest, the Mr. Weenie part feels a little forced.
Boog, if I may be so bold, perhaps I could be your new best friend.
Of course this means you would have to feed me. And rub my belly.
What is your stance on neutering? You or me?
It's Shaw. On the deer trail!
Just when this day couldn't get any worse.
He can't do anything to us. It's against the law now, remember?
Laugh it up, tick magnet. I'll be seeing you. Real soon.
That went well. Nah, Shaw's up to something.
We better find out what.
Okay! The meeting is called to order. Marcia, you have an announcement?
Thank you, Sheriff Gordy.
We're having a bake sale to raise money to repaint the school bus.
Make it stop!
Y'all know me. You know how I earn a living.
Yeah, you're the tour guide.
Before that I was a hunter. Best there ever was.
And now there's something in them woods that needs hunting.
Spotted it just outside of Dead Bear Gulch.
It was none other than the Wailing Wampus Werewolf.
There's no such thing as werewolves.
Settle down, everybody.
I'll catch this beast for you, but it ain't gonna be easy.
He doesn't even have any evidence.
You mean besides this massive head wound?
Oh, I've got evidence. Everybody here is in danger.
Why are you on top? Because I'm taller.
Makes sense. Keep still.
What are they saying?
I don't know. I can't read lips. Or books. Or anything really. I'm a bear.
I'm going in.
As soon as I get out from under your butt area. Please.
...anything like this. You wanted evidence. Behold.
But it's so small!
You moron. This isn't life size. This thing is huge!
This monster has got fury in its eye and hunger in its belly.
Belly hunger? That's the worst kind of hunger!
Hold still, will you?
Oh, my apologies. I'm so weak from the hunger I could eat this rope.
Delicious rope.
I don't see anything conclusive here, Shaw.
Thought you might not, sheriff, which is why I drew a detailed sketch.
I was skeptical of werewolves until I saw the drawing.
Dude can draw!
The end of the rope is the most delicious part!
Mr. Weenie! Bad dog!
The werewolf wants to destroy you, your family, your way of life.
This is the worst PTA meeting ever.
This rope is good!
Although, it could use some salt.
Hey! Let go!
You've gotta let me go out there armed to catch this thing.
You mean you want me to... Reopen open season.
Open season?
The werewolf!
Mr. Weenie! Drop it! Sit. Stay. Heel!
Werewolf footprints.
The werewolf's been eavesdropping.
Sheriff, you know what you have to do.
Better safe than ripped to sorry shreds by a werewolf.
Come on, Sheriff Gordy!
Reopen open season and let the tour guide hunt down the werewolf!
Okay. Open season is reopened.
You've made the right decision.
Gordy, what are you doing? Oh, no! Open season?
Shaw. Only the werewolf. You're not to touch anything else in that forest.
Sure thing, sheriff. I will only shoot the werewolf.
And anything that gets in between me and the werewolf... like, say, a bear or a deer.
We gotta warn the others!
I guess things can get worse. Now Shaw is after us.
While Shaw did not specifically mention coming after Mr. Weenie...
I stand with you. I've got nowhere else to go!
Hey, wait up for Mr. Weenie!
Deer tick! I think I got a deer tick.
You can never be too careful these days... what with Lyme disease and everything. No, guess I'm clean.
You know, I've been thinking.
I've been talking about the werewolf and suddenly it's everywhere.
What if...? Pine trees, pine trees, pine trees.
No way! I say it and I see it. Rocks.
I shall call this power The See-cret and use it responsibly.
Focus. We got a Shaw problem, and a werewolf problem.
So we've only got two problems. Piece of cake!
I like cake!
But both these two problems can kill us!
If you could stop the werewolf and stop open season...
I'd gladly go on that special camping trip with you!
Yes! But you can't!
No. Maybe we should build that panic room... where hunters and werewolves can't get in.
Somewhere we can both safely hide.
Don't forget about Mr. Weenie. I too would like to safely hide.
We're not hiding. We're gonna catch this werewolf ourselves.
That's too dangerous.
Everyone is counting on us, Boog.
We've gotta take care of the werewolf to get rid of Shaw.
What do you mean "we"?
Have I ever let anything happen to you? Yes.
Okay, so our adventures are messy, they're unpredictable, wild.
But we usually survive. Don't we?
We do.
I won't let anything happen to you this time and that's a promise.
Why? Why?
Because friends are always there for each other. Now repeat after me.
"I'm Boog and I'm a brave bear."
Are you with me? I'm with you.
Me too! Excellent.
Now let's get back and warn the others about Shaw and the werewolf!
Sweetheart. Daddy's home. Wakey, wakey. Time to get up.
Hello, Lorraine.
I know you've been holed up here too long.
Probably going half out of your mind.
But your interminable wait is finally commencing to be over.
You and me are going out! Open season is back on, babycakes!
We're painting the town red!
Come on down to Ed and Edna's Poutine Palace!
Home of the Big Curd. Hey, Ed. What's poutine?
Funny you should ask, Edna. First, you take french fries... dump boiling gravy on them. Boiling gravy!
Then plop in some curds, and viola! Poutine.
With one convenient location!
Right on Highway 7, next to the big tree.
Plenty of free parking! So come on down.
Or up, depending on where you start from, eh?
To Ed and Edna's Poutine Palace Curds fit for a king Or a queen!
Nice commercial, Ed!
Now, if that don't get them busting down our door, nothing will.
That was fast! The power of advertising!
Howdy, Ed and Edna!
Oh, Shaw. Good day, eh?
Hey, you haven't lived till you've tried our poutine on the ritz.
After, we ate up our poutine curds, We're getting the band back together.
No way, eh. You're in a band?
I can play a mean accordion if you're interested.
Open season is open again.
We've got a monster to hunt. And whatever else gets in our way.
Oh, boy, I've been waiting for this moment, don't you know?
Hey, Ian! Didn't see you out in Dead Bear Gulch in your werewolf disguise.
Stage fright, right? You should do what I do and imagine... the audience are all in their underwear.
I guess it didn't matter anyway since the real werewolf showed up!
Hello, everybody. We got some news.
Slow down, Boog. Let me handle this.
We've got some news. I've got bad news and bad news.
What do you want to hear first?
The bad news?
Tell them! I was pausing for dramatic effect.
Open season is open again. Shaw is back in action.
What's the bad news?
There really is a Wailing Wampus Werewolf in our wilderness.
There's no werewolf. That's just a big fat lie you told to try to scare us.
He's the fat one. But here's my proof.
Check out Shaw's detailed masterpiece.
That thing looks horrible!
Shaw is a rather gifted artist, I must say.
Is there any good news? Yes. I'm on the case.
He asked if there was good news, not the worst news ever.
Another mess caused by you and your bonky interpretive dances.
When have my dances ever caused a problem?
Lightning dance!
Mud slide dance!
Avalanche dance!
You have to stop dancing.
Especially the ones named after natural disasters.
This is all your fault, Smelliot.
Did you hear that? I just called him "Smelliot."
Don't worry, guys. I'll make things right.
Once I dramatically capture the werewolf, slap him around a little bit... and heroically ride him into town, open season will be closed again.
And exactly how are you gonna capture the werewolf?
With a clever monster corralling interpretive dance, of course, duh!
Aye... Well..
I'm not so sure about Elliot's dancing abilities and I'm not... convinced there is a werewolf but I do know Shaw's guns are real.
Elliot may be our only hope.
If Elliot's our only hope, we're doomed!
Hold up, everyone. It's true that Shaw and his gun are on the loose.
And until the werewolf is dealt with, we're all at risk.
But if Elliot says he can capture it, I believe him.
He's the best deer for the job.
Thanks for standing up for me. Friends don't abandon friends.
What makes Elliot so qualified?
I'm a master werewolf hunter-slash- tracker-slash-expert-slash-whisperer.
That's three slashes. Aye.
I'm coming with you. To make sure you don't bust any more moves.
Fine. The rest of you, stay alert. If you see something, say something.
Something.
Where to first?
In order to track the werewolf, we need to start at the first place it appeared.
I know! At the RV!
That's where Bob and or Bobbie were eaten by the werewolf!
Obviously none of you have ever been on a Wailing Wampus Werewolf... investigation, so follow my lead. Don't touch the evidence... don't contaminate the crime scene, and do not under any circumstances... pee on anything. Boog.
You're disgusting. Let's go!
Elliot, what do we do once we find the werewolf?
Is there a special dance or something?
We face the threat the same way we face headlights: Head on!
That is a terrible analogy.
I have no idea what you just said, Giselle, but touché.
Movies! Two words! Lethal Weapon 2.
The door is locked. Need Mr. Weenie to go in through the doggy door.
I was way off. Why didn't you just say that?
Welcome to the scene of the crime.
Blasted fly zapper's on the fritz again. You may enter.
But I must warn you, what you are about to see, can't be unseen.
It is a tableau of unfathomable depravity. Come on in.
The wiener dog is right. No offense, Boog, but it might be grisly.
You're weird, Elliot. Weird like a fox.
The horror! The food bowl is empty.
Actually, this is a nice crib.
It's spotless. No signs of a struggle.
Obviously the werewolf attacked Bobbie and Bob, then cleaned the RV.
He wants us to think he wasn't here.
The Wailing Wampus Werewolf is notoriously tidy.
So you're saying the werewolf cleaned the dishes?
Classic werewolf move.
I think this is equipment for tracking a monster.
Boog, you're new at this.
What we could really use right now is equipment to track the monster.
You mean like this?
Monster tracking equipment, monster tracking equipment.
The power of The See-cret. Still not used to it.
You know how any of this stuff works?
I'll use my instincts. Part of being an animal. We'll need this face helmet!
He's not gonna turn that thing on, is he? Probably.
We're not taking the face helmet.
Well, that was a bust.
Even though this werewolf is a neat freak, he could have left a clue somewhere.
Like this one. Bone voyage!
The werewolf has eaten poor Bobbie, or maybe Bob! That's all that is left.
I'm so sad. But so hungry.
But so sad.
Why does it smell like 11 herbs and spices?
The smell of pure evil.
No. It really smells more like 11 herbs and spices.
I understand how you "laymen" are having a hard time following my logic.
With this "monster tracking equipment," we'll be able to... cleverly track down the whereabouts of our alleged perpetrator... i.e., for example, said werewolf.
Oh, goodie. Someone is coming.
Quick, blend in.
I'm a cow!
Bobbie and or Bob, I shall avenge thee!
Mr. Weenie? I brought you some Weiner Chow.
They're shaped like little wiener dogs. Where could he be?
Okay, Ed and Edna. Let's put this thing in cruise control... so we can go over my big plan to track down this monster.
Big plan? Should we be taking notes?
Just listen, dingdongs.
Good old Sheriff Gordy has given us carte blanch to blast away!
Now who's this here "Carte Blanch"?
I think it's a kind of animal, related to the penguin, eh.
We get to shoot a real live werewolf!
And by "werewolf," do you mean one of them abominable snowmen?
No! A chupacabra?
No! Vampire?
A werewolf, you morons!
A 10-foot tall, drooling, blasphemous scourge that needs to be eradicated!
Traffic these days!
Now here's the fun part: While we are hunting to extinction... this unholy denizen from the very bowels of Hades... we can take out a certain bear and deer, if you get my drift!
My gut tells me that we'll find our werewolf in Dead Bear Gulch.
This is gonna be easy! The werewolf is right there next to that "X".
That's why I love you, Edna. You're good at reading maps!
Imbeciles.
There's certain werewolf behavior that will clearly give away its location.
Are you talking about where it eats? Where it sleeps?
Where it poos. What does poo have to do with this?
It's our key to finding the werewolf.
Its poo is like bread crumbs. But my different.
I'm not looking for poo.
You don't have to. I've got this trusty werewolf-poo finder.
Yeah. I'm pretty sure that isn't a werewolf poo-finder.
You were saying?
We've struck the mother lode.
Isn't that kind of small for werewolf poop?
Werewolves are notoriously small poopers.
That reminds me of Bobbie.
Who will save my precious doodoo in a little plastic baggie now?
Don't look at me. You can learn a lot... about a monster from its poo.
It's the window to the soul. The eyes are the window to the soul.
Not for a werewolf. It's poo. It's always poo. We've got to analyze this.
He's touching it!
Elliot, what exactly do you mean by "analyze"?
It means I must become one with the poo.
This dropped fifty-seven... Wait.
Fifty-six minutes ago. He's good.
That's strange. I hear the ocean. Funny how that happens every time.
How many times do you do this?
Enough times to know there's only one way left... to truly know the werewolf's whereabouts.
No. No, no, no.
What are you...? No!
He's heading north. Seventh of eight kids.
Left-handed, but bats righty. Swimmer's build.
Likes long walks in the moonlight. I can taste it. And also... Pistachios?
What in the bazookie are you doing?
A field fecal study of the Wailing Wampus Werewolf.
That is mine. This is my spot.
So that's not monster poo? That's your poo?
Aye!
Just to be clear... you're saying the poo that's in Elliot's mouth right now is your poo.
I'd recognize those pistachios anywhere.
Code brown! Code brown! Friend's poo! I just ate a friend's poo!
We're not friends. Friends don't eat friends' poo.
Water, water, water! Need water now!
The lake is right over there.
Only a monster would leave something like this behind.
The werewolf, eh? I'll check.
It's moving north.
Oh, yeah, you're good. We could use Jolene's help.
I got her down by the lake. Let's go pay her a visit.
Don't leave now, I was about to bring out dessert!
Stop looking at my tushy. I can still taste the shame.
Elliot and Boog and Mr. Weenie The bestest friends you ever seen-ie Not exactly a theme song moment, Mr. Weenie.
Timber! Rookies.
Hey! What happened to him?
He accidentally ate McSquizzy's poo. Yeah, who hasn't?
Despite this one minor setback, I am not giving up.
So let's recap.
You didn't find any clues at the RV? Check.
And McSquizzy's poo didn't give us any clues?
Check. So we don't have any clues.
Exactly! That's how I know we're getting closer.
I'm confused.
The werewolf isn't leaving behind any clues because he knows I'm onto him.
He's clearly trying to outsmart me.
Not that hard to do. Thank you, Giselle.
Shaw.
We won't hurt you, porcupine. We just want to ask you a few questions.
Oh, man. Shaw's never gonna stop until he gets us all.
We gotta find and capture that werewolf fast so they... can call off open season.
We could find him if we could just see the forest from above.
If only we had a sea plane.
I am mastering The See-cret. All we need now is a pilot.
Serge, can you fly?
But of course. Right this way, please.
Someone's jacking my plane! Who's Jack?
My seat belt won't go all the way.
Elliot, are you sure you know what you're doing?
Yep, I can hotwire this thing. Now do I cut the blue wire or the red wire?
Yep. It's the red wire.
Jolene!
They're coming!
My horn's stuck!
Lookie! A werewolf pilot!
The werewolf? Duck!
Jolene. Jolene.
Jolene!
We did it! Shaw! See you, wouldn't want to be you.
Now, everyone keep your eyes peeled for the werewolf.
But don't literally peel them because that would be gross.
Oh, stewardess! Would you mind asking the bunnies... not to recline so far back into my personal space?
Nuts? Got any wood?
Okay, Serge, take over. Take over?
Yeah! You said you could fly. My apologies.
There has been a misunderstanding. We can fly, just not a plane!
Our pilots have left the plane. This is bad, no?
I just discovered a new fear. Heights!
Jolene!
Are you afraid of plane crashes?
I've always had a fear of plane crashes.
But I thought being in one was impossible since I'm a bear.
Nothing is impossible if you believe in yourself.
Relax, everyone. Statistically, flying is still the safest way to travel.
If you got a pilot.
It'll be fine. Quick question. Is there a pilot on board?
Okay, is there a taxidermist on board?
Oh, no! Since it appears this is the end, I feel it's only right to confess.
I'm not really German, I am Swiss!
You're Swiss? Well, hola!
Hey! We can use this to float to the ground.
Nice, Giselle.
We're saved!
Do whatever you're supposed to do in the event of an emergency landing!
Excellent! Maybe there's parachutes in the back.
Boog, you're flying by the seat of your pants!
You're a crack pilot! Is this what they call a bum steer?
Boog, your butt saved ours!
Hey, what'd I miss?
Now it's personal.
How did a werewolf get a pilot's license?
It's got the intelligence of a man.
Yeah, but you'd think when it applied for a license... somebody would have said something.
Maybe it dressed up like a man when it went into the office.
Shut your curd-holes!
To catch the monster, we've got to think like the monster.
You mean think like a man?
You said it's got the intelligence of a man.
What would a man do?
Morons.
Come on, guys! We're not gonna let a little thing like a "plane crash"... crush our spirits. We got us a werewolf to catch! Who's with me?
Crickets. Crickets. Crickets.
Fine. But if you ask me, we got the werewolf right where we want him.
Elliot, maybe we ought to take a break from all this werewolf stuff.
Restrategize. Sorry, I don't parlez vous French.
Look, we just survived a plane crash. Maybe we should quit while... we're ahead and, I don't know, build ourselves that panic room?
There's plenty of wood. We could build one ASAP.
Could you build me a little tiny house with my name on it that... we could keep in the panic room? Sure thing.
I am in. Me too.
You tried your best, Elliot, but maybe you're in over your head.
Guys, guys, guys. And, Giselle. And, Ian.
We're fighting for our forest! Remember, if we don't get rid of... the werewolf, open season stays open. And we're not quitters!
Did the Romans quit when the Vikings landed at Plymouth Rock?
Did the mighty dodo bird give up when it went extinct?
Did the Titanic call it quits when it hit the ice cream truck?
Nope, nope, and nope.
Sure, the werewolf has fangs, Shaw has guns.
But you know the one thing we've got that nobody else has? Boog's butt!
Where are you going with this, Elliot?
It's an amalgagee. Analogy.
That too. The point is, when the chips were down... the odds were against us, and the pilots had left the building...
We will never live this down.
Boog's butt saved the day. There's always gonna be something... that comes through for us. Because that's how we roll.
Boog's butt! Boog's butt! Boog's butt!
Boog's butt!
I'm starting to feel a little self-conscious.
Great speech, but I vote we build that panic room and hide.
You can count us in.
Panic room, panic room, panic room!
All of this talk about butts and panic rooms is making me hungry, again.
I'm gonna search for some food.
Okay, we got rid of our dead weight.
Still with me, Boog? You know I can't do this without my BFF.
That's Bear Friend Forever, FYI. For your information. LOL.
Still with you.
You know, maybe we've been going about this the wrong way.
Maybe? Instead of going after the werewolf... maybe we should lure the werewolf to us.
What do you have in mind?
Boog, you look like a size 12... hundred. Petite.
Why?
Boog, we're waiting. I don't feel comfortable coming out.
I'm sure you look fine.
This is ridiculous.
You're surprisingly cute. More importantly... you look exactly like a female Wailing Wampus Werewolf. Give us a spin.
I'm not sure I can pull this off.
Let's rehearse. I'll pretend to be male.
Don't strain yourself. Boog, make me attracted to you.
Hi, I'm Boog... I mean, Boogette.
Cut! That is not how you seduce a Wailing Wampus Werewolf.
Okay. Although, I'm pretty sure there isn't a real werewolf... if you're gonna do this, let me help. Now, Boog, play it cool.
Make eye contact, but don't stare.
Be mysterious, but not super scary. And most importantly, smile.
Better. Much better.
Giselle, obviously you know nothing about being a woman.
It's all about the body language. You've gotta have the right walk... the right pose, and the right eyelash flutter.
This is dumb. It'll never work. Walk. Pose.
Well, hello there, miss. Never seen you around these parts.
You know, me and some friends are building a romantic panic room... if you care to join me... I mean us.
Ian. It's me. Boog. I'm not a lady.
Oh, yeah. Call me.
"It'll never work."
I am so very hungry, I could drink a horse.
Food! At long last!
I'm never gonna be the girl you want me to be.
Come on! We can make this work!
Why can't you just accept me for who I am?
Guys? This is getting a little too intense.
Instead of disguising me as bait, why not use The See-cret?
Say it and you see it. I know!
I'll use The See-cret! Genius!
Wailing Wampus Werewolf, Wailing Wampus Werewolf!
Hey, guys! I have satisfied my hunger. For now.
Let's huddle! Oh, man! Mr. Weenie's the werewolf!
A wiener dog werewolf! Of course! A textbook "wereweenie."
Okay, break! How could I have missed the signs!
I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for what is on his face.
Yes. And that explanation is: it's blood.
Because Weenie is a bloodthirsty werewolf.
Think about it, Giselle. You never see Mr. Weenie and the werewolf together.
You never see the werewolf and anyone together.
In that case, any one of us could be the werewolf.
She's right. Boog, are you the werewolf?
No! Giselle?
Yes, I am. I knew it!
No, Elliot, I am not the werewolf.
I knew that too. I was just testing you. You passed. Barely.
If we really want to make sure that Mr. Weenie is the werewolf... we need to observe him without him knowing.
Like a stakeout? I love how I think.
Tonight we complete our investigation.
You boys have fun. I'm gonna find a cool dry place and call it a night.
Hey, Mr. Weenie. We need you to guard this log.
Mr. Weenie is on duty!
The full moon is even fuller than last night's full moon.
If Mr. Weenie is gonna transform into the werewolf, tonight's the night.
We've got to stay awake. No matter what.
No problem. I can stay awake.
Elliot.
Oh, Boog, I had the most wonderful dream! Me and you were dolphins.
I was a regular dolphin and you were kind of a fat dolphin and we were... camping in the woods. Without a fear in the world!
Although we were getting dried out with pine needles sticking to our fins.
You were asleep two seconds and you dreamed all that?
Then this beautiful seahorse appeared and we rode off into the sunset.
What does that even mean?
I think it means we're friends, even if we're fish.
Of course you're my friend.
Okay! I know this is your first stakeout, so don't hesitate... to ask me any questions. For instance... this is a werewolf-transformation cam! It will capture any transformation... the wiener dog makes. But we must stay alert.
Got it. Be ready for anything.
I'm ready. Eyeballs must be open at all times.
Hey, guys! Guys. Mr. Weenie is gone.
Let's check the transformation cam!
He's sleeping. A clever werewolf ploy.
Or he's a sleeping wiener dog.
Obviously he's having a werewolf dream of chasing... down and ripping apart a helpless victim. Pretty standard stuff.
Another werewolf move? No.
It's just a wiener dog scratching his back. Come on!
That's the traditional werewolf interpretive dance... done to summon other werewolves. So graceful.
It's settled, then. Mr. Weenie is the werewolf.
So I am the werewolf? I'm always the last to hear about these things.
So that would mean I ate Bobbie! And Bob. I must leave this place... before I eat my friends too. I mean, think of all the calories!
If he is the werewolf, why didn't he attack you guys in your sleep?
Good point. For once, Giselle, you're right.
Mr. Weenie couldn't be the werewolf. Well, no harm done.
Shoot that ugly female werewolf!
What... Who's he calling ugly?
It's in cahoots with the deer. What is this world coming to?
Let's stop and talk this over, you dirty rotten animals!
We just want to be your friend!
What's these guys' deal, anyway? Yeah. What do they have against us?
Careful there, Shaw.
We got a pot full of poutine simmering in there.
Well, we'll have to change our commercial, Ed.
Yeah. We're not by the big tree no more.
Come on, Canucks! Let's go!
The old lava mine? Who mines for lava?
It's that or the hunters.
How are we gonna get in?
Guys? How about we use the door?
Do you hear something?
It was just a bunch of vampire bats that feed off the blood... of living creatures. Everything's cool.
Let's hide in one of those!
I lost them.
Are we sure jumping into a rusty mining car on a rickety track... that leads who-knows-where is the best idea?
Come out, come out wherever you are. Sounds good to me.
We're safe now!
Ready or not, here we come! Let's go mining for treasure.
Did we lose them?
They're right on our tails! Hold on!
I smell pumpkin pie. It's me!
Who puts a loop-de-loop in a lava mine?
Deer?
Dinkelman!
Out of ammo. Time to get touchy feely!
Come here, werewolf! I got her backpack! Reel me in!
What does a werewolf need a backpack for?
To keep his pilot license in. No!
Hey! Let go of my second favorite bear!
Let go of my Dinkelman!
Dinkelman! No!
Dinkelman! Dagnabbit!
Elliot! Don't leave me!
Boog! I'll write you every single day!
Help!
Werewolf, you've won this round.
This ain't over!
It figures. There's one cactus in all of Timberline and I land right on it.
Boog? I'm okay!
We landed in this super cushiony pile of rose petals and clover!
Good thing we didn't land on old prickly. Wasn't that crazy?
The dip where we went down and our stomachs went up!
The lava singed my eye lashes!
Listen, Elliot, I've had enough! This is too dangerous!
And now Dinkelman's gone. You don't know what he meant to me.
Yeah... But we're safe now.
Safe? We've never been safe! Crashing in airplanes... getting shot at by hunters, flying off the rails in a lava mine.
We're so close to finding the werewolf. We can't give up now.
Now seems like the perfect time.
Boog, I believe in you.
When you want to be, you can be a super brave bear. The superest.
I've had enough! I'm done!
I'm building that panic room by myself and hibernating forever.
Then after that, can we go camping? No, Elliot.
Fine. I take it back. You're not super! You're a pooper! I don't need you.
All I need is one thing. Myself.
Because myself never hurts my feelings like certain heavy-set bears.
That doesn't even make sense. Words can hurt, you know, tubby?
Okay. Let's cool down for a second.
I stood up for you because I thought you were my best friend.
Maybe you're not.
You don't care about me. You only care about your stupid camping trip.
It's not stupid.
Go find yourself a new best friend who likes selfish deers.
Well, you can forget about that stupid camping trip!
I wouldn't go with you if you were the last best friend on earth!
You hear that? The werewolf is out there! He's hiding in Dead Bear Gulch!
I'm going after him. I'm not a selfish deer. I'm gonna save everyone.
Elliot, don't go. Shaw is gonna be out there. It's too dangerous.
Danger is my maiden name.
Oh, no.
I never should have trusted Elliot. How could I have been so stupid?
Boog. Wait! I'm done with him!
Elliot went about things the wrong way, but he was genuinely... trying to help you get over your fear of the werewolf.
Because all he cared about was some dumb camping trip.
He wanted to spend time with his best friend.
He tied pumpkins to my chest!
I'll be the first to admit, Elliot is a ding-a-ling. But he's our ding-a-ling.
Can you give me a hand? I don't know how you girls do this every day.
Elliot can take care of himself. That's what he's good at.
Elliot is headed into Dead Bear Gulch.
He's convinced the werewolf will be hiding there tonight.
Thanks for the tip. Pine needle eyelashes.
I'll be sure to stay far away from Dead Bear Gulch.
Boog, he cares about you. And you care about him.
The Boog I know wouldn't abandon his friend.
The Boog I know is gonna build his panic room. See you, Giselle.
So I am the werewolf. Go figure!
In order to not viciously eviscerate my beloved friends...
I am destined to wander aimlessly these vast woods alone, forever!
But I am so hungry! Oh, shoot. That must be the werewolf in me talking.
Maybe if I don't look at the full moon, I won't transform!
But it's so beautiful! Maybe one little peek.
Oh, no! What have I done?
The transformation. It's on, baby.
As the werewolf blood courses through My slender wiener dog body I must wander these lonely woods All alone, all alone With the full moon I must transform Into the hideous beast That will render Mr. Weenie No more, no more I'll grow real tall!
I'll be scary!
With lots of claws And so hairy These stubby legs will grow into Four muscle-y weapons of ferociousness My puppy dog eyes will burn blood red My snout will grow into a toothy snarl This silky coat Will all fall out And in its place a wolf-y mane I feel a change and now Yes, at last!
I am the werewolf!
Lupus homine Which in Latin means "werewolf"
Yes, at last Mr. Weenie is no more!
Hey, Booger. You hear that? I called him "Booger."
What are you guys doing?
We took your advice and built a panic room.
Not bad. You got room for one more?
Come on in. Take a load off.
Just close the door behind you.
So where's your best friend Idiot? You notice how I called Elliot "Idiot"?
The great werewolf hunter is in Dead Bear Gulch... probably talking the ear off of some poor werewolf.
That's where it all began. In Dead Bear Gulch.
That's where we'll find our werewolf.
But that gulch is haunted, don't you know.
Yeah! With evil spirits.
Which is why the werewolf will be hiding out there.
We've got it on the run.
It's gonna hunker down in the one place it thinks we won't go.
And where is that? Dead Bear Gulch!
Oh, right.
I got special camo for us in the truck. We'll take him by surprise!
Take who by surprise? The werewolf!
I love surprises!
Instead of Dead Bear Gulch, they're gonna have to call it...
Dead Everything Gulch by the time we're through.
We'll blast everything that moves.
You mean like us? How can we hunt if we can't move?
I won't blast you! But we'll be moving!
Yeah! You said that... Forget what I said! Canadians.
Elliot's in trouble! What are we gonna do, Boog?
Maybe we should go help him.
Here monster, monster, monster. Here monster, monster, monster.
Elliot, please go. I'm a werewolf now.
I don't want to hurt you, but I am not in control of my faculties.
Sometimes I'm not in control of my faculties either.
I just cover it up and walk away.
Do your senses betray you? Do you not see my vicious claws... my hideous fangs, my irascible disposition?
I have become the werewolf! And there are more of us behind you.
I'm sorry, what?
My brothers.
Danger isn't my maiden name! It's McGillicutty. I know, weird, right?
Oh, See-cret. I could sure use your help right now.
I need a hero to save me!
Boog's butt? You're saving me?
I'm a grizzly bear!
Yes!
Shaw? You mean there's no werewolf?
Well, if we can't bag a werewolf, a deer and a bear will do just fine!
Come on, Canucks.
The evil spirits! They're here!
Undead zombie ghost ducks from hunting seasons past!
What? I brought some friends.
We should consider taking our talents on the road, eh, Deni?
Where are you going? I don't see any evil...
Wait for me!
Aye! Shake it, sister!
Fine. Abandon me. I got Lorraine. She's all I need.
Face the wrath of a true werewolf!
Lorraine! Now, you've gone too far.
It's just you and me, bear. Mano a bear-o.
who?
Crud.
That's gonna smart for a few days.
I'm allergic to hornets! Washcloth?
Buddy.
Why did you come back for me?
Because friends don't abandon friends. You taught me that.
My eyes are starting to pee.
Nice shooting, sheriff.
Well, looks like we've found our werewolf. Shaw, I should have known.
I guess he's in deep doodoo. Sure is.
Selfie! And post.
Bears. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You'll have plenty to say at your trial for posing as a monster... and creating a general panic. Open season is closed.
Permanently.
Take them away, boys!
Boog?
Thought I recognized your work.
You know, you're always welcome to come back home.
He's going back to live in town.
I understand. You are home.
Technically, I shouldn't be feeding the wildlife, but I think... we can make an exception. Take care of yourself, Boog.
I knew you wouldn't go back to live in town.
Of course not! Who's gonna protect you, Elliot?
You can't go camping by yourself!
I got something for you. I was waiting to surprise you.
Surprise! Happy Mother's Day!
Dinkelman!
Hey, how long you had him?
It's a See-cret.
Hey, Boog! I can't believe it! We're finally camping!
I told you it'd be great. I got goosebumps up and down my goose!
Exactly how is camping different than what we normally do in the woods?
This is my different.
I thought you said there would be zip lines and parasailing... and boogie boarding.
Haven't you ever heard of writer's embellishment?
No. Me neither. I was hoping you knew.
At least we're away from the riff raff. See any riffs or raffs?
Hey, guys. Hey, Ian. Hey, Giselle.
So hard to keep the riff raff out these days. Boog! Staring contest! Go!
What? You're good.
Hey! Let's tell a scary story. Really?
I'll start. The Wailing Wampus Werewolf was on the prowl.
No one was safe.
Scary! And the vicious werewolf emerged from the dark... through the misty mist, upon two friends who were having a blast camping.
I think that's a great setup.
Nice try, Ian.
Props on the fake teeth. Very convincing.
Everything all right over there?
This is not Ian?
Nice werewolf, good werewolf.
I don't know what to do! Elliot! You know what to do.
Boog! You're right! I've been training for this moment my entire life!
See? I told you!
The werewolf communicates through interpretive dance.
Yeah. Interpretive dance and talking. I can talk.
I think he means us no harm. Whatever.
We need to show him we don't either. Everybody dance now!
Shake that tail feather!
Bud... Bud...
Busting a move!
Impressive moves, Boog. We should call you Dances With Werewolves.
Boog, I have something shocking to tell you. I might not be the werewolf.
Got it, Mr. Weenie!
And everybody lived happily ever after.
Except for Mr. Weenie, who is now a drifter.
Oh, Bobbie! Or Bob. How did it come to this?
Bobbie lives!
Surprise, Mr. Weenie!
I feel like it's been forever! Did Gordy feed you? We asked him to.
That would have been nice to know.
We were at a See-cret convention... you know, "say it and see it." When Bob says, "It's Mr. Weenie's birthday."
And I say "Gee, Bob, do you ever quit talking?"
But then I say, "You're right!" So we gathered up all of your friends... for a surprise birthday party. Are you surprised?
Not pleasantly. Mr. Weenie is excited to see us.
Are you excited to see him, Bob? Oh, Bob is so excited, he's speechless.
This is gonna be the best party.
So, everybody did live happily ever after, including Mr. Weenie. The end!
Just one more time. No.
Category:Transcripts
Category:Sony Pictures Entertainment Transcripts
Category:Sony Pictures Animation Transcripts
Category:Open Season Transcripts
Category:Open Season
Category:Need Speakers
Category:Need Actions
Category:Direct-to-video Transcripts