Bart the Genius/Transcript

This is the transcript for Bart the Genius.
== Transcript ==
[The Simpson family is playing Scrabble in the living room.]
Bart: Come on, Mom.
Lisa: Yeah, Mom. Hurry up.
Marge: All right. Mmm. How about "he"? Two points. Your turn, dear.
Homer: Hmm. How could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters? Oh, wait. Here's a good one. "Do."
Lisa: "Id." Triple word score.
Homer: Hey, no abbreviations.
Lisa: Not I.D., Dad. "Id". It's a word.
Bart: As in, "This game is stup-id".
Homer: Hey, shut up, boy.
Lisa: Yeah, Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.
Marge: We could look this "id" thing up in the dictionary.
Homer: We got one?
Marge: I think it's under the short leg of the couch.
Lisa: "Id: Along with the ego and the superego, one of three components of the psyche."
Homer: Get outta here.
[Bart, however, hates the game, so he cheats and makes up an imaginary word, “Kwyjibo”.]
Bart: My turn. "Kwyjibo". K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters. Game's over. I'm outta here.
[Before he leaves, Homer roughly grabs Bart.]
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a "kwyjibo" is.
[Bart eventually defines it.]
Bart: "Kwyjibo". Uh--A big, dumb, balding, North American ape with no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape!
[This causes Homer to become instantly angered and chases Bart out of the room.]
Bart: Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!
[The next day before class, in the schoolyard, Bart is spray-painting graffiti that defames Principal Skinner on the school building. Principal Skinner is watching the kids on the playground.]
Principal Skinner: You there. No chewing gum on school grounds. In the trash can with it.
[Martin Prince, the school genius, tattles about the graffiti.]
Martin: Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.
Principal Skinner: Oh? Where?
Martin: Over there, sir. See?
[Milhouse, one of Bart's friends, sees Martin informing Skinner and warns Bart.]
Milhouse: Look out, Bart. Here comes Skinner.
Bart: Yikes!
[Skinner arrives, where Bart, Milhouse, and two more children are feigning their involvement.]
Principal Skinner: Hmm. Whoever did this is in very deep trouble.
Martin: And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of "wiener" is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.
Principal Skinner: Good point. Boys, let's see your hands.
[He then checks each of their hands, but Bart is caught "red-handed".]
Principal Skinner: Mm-hmm. Good. Okay. Simpson?
Martin: You might say you caught him red-handed.
[Skinner orders Bart to see him after school.]
Principal Skinner: Simpson, you and I are going to have a little talk.
Bart: Same time, same place?
Principal Skinner: Yes. In my office after school.
All: Ooh!
[As the children file into class, Martin encounters Bart in the classroom.]
Martin: Bart, I hope you won't bear some sort of simpleminded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.
Bart: Eat my shorts!
Martin: Pardon?
[Mrs. Krabappel hands out aptitude tests to everyone.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Now, I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success...if any.
[Martin raises his hand.]
Martin: Mrs. Krabappel, isn't Bart supposed to face the window, so he won't be tempted to look at his neighbor's paper?
Mrs. Krabappel: You're right, Martin. Bart?
[A grumbling Bart turns his desk to face the window and the test begins.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Remember to visualize the complex problems and relax. The test will start...now!
[In an attempt to figure out a lengthy math word problem, Bart tries to quietly read the problem so he can solve it.]
Bart: "At 7:30 a.m., an express train traveling 60 miles an hour leaves Santa Fe bound for Phoenix, 520 miles away."
Mrs. Krabappel: Shh! Visualize it, Bart.
[The visualization turns into a daydream.]
Bart: (voice) "At the same time, a local train traveling 30 miles an hour and carrying 40 passengers leaves Phoenix bound for Santa Fe. It's eight cars long and always carries the same number of passengers in each car. An hour later, a number of passengers equal to half the number of minutes past the hour get off, but three times as many plus six get on. At the second stop, half the passengers plus two get off, but twice as many get on as got on at the first stop." Oof!
Train Conductor: (in daydream) Ticket, please.
Bart: (in daydream) I don't have a ticket.
Train Conductor: (in daydream) Come with me, boy. We've got a stowaway, sir.
Bart: (in daydream) I'll pay. How much?
Martin: (in daydream) Twice the fare from Tucson to Flagstaff minus two-thirds of the fare from Albuquerque to El Paso.
Bart: (in daydream) Whoa!
[Bart finally comes back to reality.]
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart, there are students in this class with a chance to do well. Will you stop bothering them?
[Martin has just finished his test.]
Martin: He's not bothering me, Mrs. Krabappel. I'm finished. May I go outside and read under a tree?
Mrs. Krabappel: Certainly, Martin.
[While Bart is still taking his test, he looks out the window to see a smug Martin sticking his tongue out at him. In retaliation, Bart sticks his tongue out and makes faces back at Martin after Martin does the same; Mrs. Krabappel spots Bart making faces and looks out the window to see what Bart is looking at.]
Mrs. Krabappel: What are you looking at, Bart? Are those naughty dogs back again?
[While her back is turned, Bart, who is seated at the front of the class, reaches over to Mrs. Krabappel’s desk and steals Martin’s test, replaces Martin’s name with his own and then puts the test back on her desk.]
Mrs. Krabappel: You have 20 minutes, class.
[Bart then quickly fills out random answers on his own test and then writes Martin’s name at the top and turns it in. Later, after school, Marge and Homer are called to Principal Skinner’s office for a meeting about Bart’s behavior at school.]
Marge: He's a good boy now, and he's getting better, and sometimes even the best sheep stray from the flock and need to be hugged extra hard.
Homer: That's exactly the kind of crapola that's lousing him up. Hey, look at this. "I am a wiener." (laughs) He sure is.
[In Principal Skinner's office.]
Intercom: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson are here.
Principal Skinner: Send them in.
[Marge and Homer walk in.]
Marge: Hello again, Principal Skinner.
Homer: What have you done this time, boy?
Principal Skinner: I caught your son defacing school property this morning. We estimate the damage at $75, and frankly, we think it's terribly unfair that other taxpayers should foot the bill.
Homer: Yeah, it's a crummy system, but what are you gonna do? Oh, no. He can't mean that. My wife thinks you want me to pay for it.
Principal Skinner: That was the idea.
Homer: Oh.
[He reaches for Bart’s rather extensive permanent record.]
Principal Skinner: By itself, something like this might not call for an extreme penalty... but this is not an isolated incident. Bart's behavior is unruly. He's frequently absent from school, then gives teachers pathetic excuse notes... that are obviously childish forgeries when compared to--Well, at any rate, it is my reluctant decision--
[Principal Skinner is about to suggest something along the lines of expulsion for Bart, when the secretary buzzes in.]
Secretary: (over intercom) Mr. Skinner, Dr. Pryor is here to see you. He says it's urgent.
Principal Skinner: Send him in.
[Dr. Pryor walks in on the meeting.]
Principal Skinner: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, this is our district psychiatrist, Dr. J. Loren Pryor.
Homer: What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Dr. Pryor: Oh, Oh, on the contrary. I have some very exciting news for all of us.
[Dr. Pryor shows everyone the aptitude test from earlier, which shows that Bart has an IQ of 216.]
Dr. Pryor: This aptitude test we administered this morning...has revealed that the young Bart here is what we call a "gifted child."
Homer: A what?
Dr. Pryor: Your son is a genius, Mr. Simpson.
Marge: Bart?
Homer: This lunkhead?
Principal Skinner: Impossible!
Dr. Pryor: No, no, we're quite certain. The child is not supposed to know his own IQ, of course...but, uh, you can see it's beyond the range of any doubt.
Homer: 912!
Dr. Pryor: Uh, no, you have it upside down. It's 216.
Homer: Oh.
Dr. Pryor: That's still amazingly high. Tell me, Bart, are you ever bored in school?
Bart: Oh, you bet!
Dr. Pryor: Mm-hmm. Ever feel a little frustrated?
Bart: All the time, sir.
Dr. Pryor: Uh-huh. Do you ever dream of leaving your class...to pursue your own intellectual development on an independent basis?
Bart: Wow! It's like you're reading my mind, man.
Dr. Pryor: Uh-huh. You see, when a child with Bart's intellect... is forced to slow down to the pace of a normal person... he's probably going to lash out in ways like these.
Principal Skinner: I think we should retest him.
Dr. Pryor: We should move him to another school.
Principal Skinner: Ooh. Better yet.
Dr. Pryor: Bart, we'd like you to try a kind of school...that doesn't rely on grades and rules and bells and buzzers. A school without walls...where you do as much or as little of the assignments as you feel you need to. Does that sound good, Bart?
Bart: Sign me up, Doc!
Dr. Pryor: Excellent. We're all set.
[Dr. Pryor hands Bart some paperwork for the “gifted children” school.]
Dr. Pryor: Here's all the information you need. Show up around nine-ish. Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, congratulations once again!
Principal Skinner: I think we're all in a mood to celebrate.
Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son, a genius. How does it happen?
Dr. Pryor: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of heredity and environment. Although, in some cases, it's a total mystery.
[Homer and Marge leave the meeting stunned.]
[The next morning at the breakfast table, Marge and Homer hover around their new genius child and Homer tells Lisa to start eating what Bart eats for breakfast, so she can become a genius, too.]
Bart: Aw, come on, Mom!
Marge: You look very intelligent, dear.
Bart: No way!
Homer: How about a tie, son? Everybody knows boy geniuses wear ties.
Bart: You're stifling my creativity, Dad.
Homer: Sorry, boy.
Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you. Why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?
Homer: Nonsense, Marge. Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.
Marge: Homer!
Homer: I'm just saying why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.
[However, Lisa is not fooled.]
Lisa: I don't care what that stupid test says, Bart. You're a dimwit.
Bart: Maybe so, but from now on...this dimwit is on easy street.
[After breakfast, Homer takes Bart to the “Enriched Learning Center for Gifted Children”.]
Bart: No rush, Dad. Take the scenic route.
Homer: Gotcha.
[Once inside the school, they find Bart’s class, and after peeking in, they see that all the boys are wearing ties.]
Bart: Oh, no. Ties!
[Homer gives Bart the tie he is wearing.]
Homer: Don't worry, son. You can have mine. Here. Let me show you how to put on a tie. The hook goes over the top and these things go in there.
Bart: Thanks, Dad. You kissed me!
Homer: There's nothing wrong with a father kissing his son...I think. Now go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, one day you may achieve something...that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations. You may outsmart someone!
[Homer shoves Bart through the door.]
Ms. Mellon: You must be Bart Simpson. I'm Ms. Mellon, your learning coordinator. Let me say right at the start that we have one rule here: Make your own rules. If you feel sleepy, take a nap. If you get bored, feel free to take out a book and start reading.
Bart: What should I read, ma'am?
Ms. Mellon: Anything you want, Bart.
Bart: Oh!
Ms. Mellon: A comic book? How did this get mixed in here? We used it last week as a prop in a film we made about illiteracy. Bart, these are the students who will share your work area. This is Ethan Foley.
Ethan: O Memsahib, Bart. Rabbi has memo.
Bart: What?
Ms. Mellon: Ethan's very good with palindromes. You know, sentences spelled the same backwards and forwards. And this is Sidney Swift.
Sidney: Trab gninrom doog.
Bart: What's your problem?
Ms. Mellon: Oh, don't mind Sidney. He's just speaking in backwards phonetics today. He said, "Good morning, Bart." And this is Cecile Shapiro.
Cecile: Hi, Bart.
Bart: Cool hamsters. What are their names?
Cecile: Hamster Number One has been infected with a staphylococci virus. Hamster Number Two is the control hamster.
Bart: Hi, little control hamster.
Ms. Mellon: I wouldn't get too attached. We're dissecting him next week. Discover your desks, people. Now let's all welcome the newest member... of our collective experience, Bart Simpson. And now we can continue our debate from yesterday.
[Class begins with a debate on the topic of free will and the paradoxes that it creates; Bart struggles to understand the discussion.]
Ms. Mellon: When we left off, Calvin and Tanya were arguing...that free will is an illusion.
Ian: If you ask me, humankind has freedom...a freedom fraught with paradoxes. Freud shows how childhood shapes our subconscious mind...but this helps us to think for ourselves.
Ms. Mellon: Very good, Ian. Does anyone else have an example of a paradox?
Ethan: Without law and order, man has no freedom.
Cecile: If you want peace, you must prepare for war.
Ms. Mellon: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Well, it seems the smartest child in the class...is also the quietest. Bart, what other paradoxes affect our lives?
Bart: Well...you're damned if you do...and you're damned if you don't.
Ms. Mellon: Well, I guess that would be a paradox too. (chuckles) Thank you, Bart.
Bart: Whew!
[Later at lunch, Bart’s classmates realize that Bart isn’t really that smart.]
Unnamed Kid: Tell you what, Bart. I'll trade you the weight of a bowling ball... on the eighth moon of Jupiter from my lunch... for the weight of a feather on the second moon of Neptune from your lunch
Bart: Well, okay.
Unnamed Kid: There you go!
Sidney: I'll trade you 1,000 picolitres of my milk for 4 gills of yours.
Bart: Well, all right.
Sidney: Anything you say.
Ian: Uh, Bart, would you wager your cupcake against my--
Bart: Save your breath.
[A dejected Bart walks away from the lunch table as the other kids laugh at him.]
Ian: What do you think of the new kid?
Ethan: A rather mediocre genius.
Unnamed Kid: Yes, not very bright at all.
[After school, Bart relaxes in his room, when Homer walks in.]
Homer: So, how was it?
Bart: Os-os.
Homer: What?
Bart: That's backwards for so-so.
Homer: Wow. What are you reading there? Comic books? Uh, guess you don't want to overheat the old noggin, eh?
Homer: Tell you what. To celebrate your first day of genius school... what do you say we go out for a round of frosty chocolate milkshakes?
Bart: All righty!
[Just then Marge walks by.]
Marge: Bart, I feel so bad for going so many years without... mmm, hmm-- What's that word where you encourage something to grow?
[Homer and Bart both groan a "I don't know".]
Lisa: Nurturing.
Marge: Nurturing your brilliant brain... so I got tickets to the opera tonight. Hurry up. Get dressed. It starts at 8:00.
Bart: Oh, Mom. Not tonight!
Homer: Come on, Bart, your mother's only trying to help, so go ahead and enjoy the show.
Marge: Homer, you're going too.
Homer: But I'm not a genius. Why should I suffer?
[Later during the opera, a bored and impatient Homer and Bart goof off and cut each other up, even though they are continually shushed by an upset Marge.]
Bart: Hey, Lis, keep an eye out for the guy with the peanuts.
Marge: There's no guy with peanuts, dear.
Homer: Jeez. No beer. No opera dogs.
Marge: Shh!
Bart: ♪Toreador, oh, don't pee on the floor/Please use the commodore/That's what it's for♪ (laughing)
Marge: Bart, stop fooling around. Homer, stop encouraging him.
Homer: Don't stifle the boy, Marge. We're supposed to encourage him.
Marge: Shush!
[Homer and Bart start fooling around.]
Marge: Shh!
Homer: Who's the lard butt?
Lisa: He's the bullfighter.
Bart: No way a bull's going to miss a target that big, man!
[In the crowd.]
Martin Prince, Sr.: Who are those people?
[Cut back to the Simpsons.]
Homer: P.U.! When is this over?
Bart: It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
Homer: Is that one fat enough for you, son? Let's go get a burger.
[The next day at school, Bart feels even more stupid and left out when he can’t understand a calculus problem on the chalkboard.]
Ms. Mellon: So, "Y" equals "R" cubed over three. And if you determine the rate of change in this curve correctly... I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Don't you get it, Bart? Derivative D-Y equals three R squared... D R over three, or R squared D R, or R D R R. Har-dee-har-har. Get it?
Bart: Oh, yeah. (Nervous laugh)
[Later, as a sad Bart walks home from school, he passes by the playground of his old school, where Richard, Lewis, and Milhouse are shooting marbles.]
Bart: Hi, guys. Great to see ya.
Milhouse: Get lost, Poindexter.
Richard: Yeah, beat it, Professor.
Lewis: Why don't you go build a rocket ship, brainiac?
[Cut to later at dinner, as a depressed Bart eats.]
Marge: Well, come on, you two. Don't forget about the film festival.
Bart: The what?
Homer: Oh, sorry, Bart. Your mother bought us tickets to a snooty movie... directed by some Swedish meatball.
Bart: Oh, no!
Homer: Well, I guess we don't have to do that.
Bart: Um, um, look, Dad. I got something to tell you...
Homer: Can it wait, son? It's getting kind of dark.
Bart: All right, Homer. Come on, baby. Right across the plate. Let me feel the wind. Whoa! Strike two! Two and two!
Homer: Can you still see the ball, Bart?
Bart: Don't worry, home boy. You're not that fast.
Homer: Oh, you don't think so, eh? Well, here comes some real heat!
Bart: Whoa! Yeah, strike three! You're outta there!
Homer: So, what was it you wanted to tell me, son?
Bart: Oh, nothing, Pop.
[The next day at the “gifted children” school, while performing a chemistry experiment, Bart accidentally causes an explosion, which results in green goo everywhere.]
Ms. Mellon: I'm still trying to get you a lab partner, Bart. If we don't get any volunteers soon, I'll assign somebody. Say, what's that? It looks dangerous.
Bart: Well, it's really pretty top secret, ma'am.
Ms. Mellon: All right, keep going. But you do know what happens when you mix acids and bases, right?
Bart: 'Course I do. Sorry.
[Later, at Dr. Pryor’s office, a green-stained Bart meets with Dr. Pryor.]
Dr. Pryor: Now, Bart, we want to emphasize that nobody's angry about this. We're-- We're just concerned. When a young man with a 216 IQ can't make a simple experiment work... well, it doesn't take a Bart Simpson to figure out that something's wrong. Tell me. Is the class moving too slowly for you?
Bart: Lord, no!
Dr. Pryor: Well, then, what can we do to make you happy?
Bart: I want to go back to my old class.
Dr. Pryor: Oh, but, Bart, don't you remember the boredom... the ennui, the intellectual malaise?
Bart: Yeah, well, you know, kind of, um... but I was thinking I could go undercover.
Dr. Pryor: Undercover? Bart, I'm intrigued. Go on.
Bart: Well, I could pretend I'm a regular dumb kid. You know, to study them and all the stuff they do with each other. You know, see what makes them tick.
Dr. Pryor: I see. Like Jane Goodall and the chimps.
Bart: Yeah.
Dr. Pryor: Uh-huh. This is most impressive, Bart. You write up your proposal while I talk to Principal Skinner.
Bart: Proposal?
Dr. Pryor: You know, outline your project... what you hope to achieve, what you'll require to do it.
Bart: Gotcha, man.
[Dr. Pryor leaves.]
Bart: (voice) "'My proposal' by Bart Simpson. I want to pretend...I am a regular dumb kid. Period. By this, I hope--Oh, no. For this, I will--Ohh. Require--Ohh. (Out loud) Oh, man. (voice) " My Confession' by Bart Simpson. I am a regular dumb kid. Period. I cheated on my intelligence test. Period"
[Dr. Pryor comes back.]
Dr. Pryor: Ah, finished already? (chuckles) Principal Skinner will be very interested to-- to--Oh. You know... you misspelled "confession".
[Later at home, a still green-stained Bart greets his parents and Homer offers to give Bart a turpentine bath to wash off the green.]
Lisa: Hey, lookin' good, Bart.
Marge: Bart, what happened?
Bart: I had a little accident in chemistry today.
Homer: Well, I bet it's nothing a little turpentine won't take off. Come on, son.
[Out in the backyard, Homer gives Bart a bath.]
Homer: Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors... before he invented the lightbulb.
Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something. Hope you won't be too mad.
Homer: What is it, son?
Bart: I'm not a genius, Dad.
Homer: What?
Bart: I cheated on the intelligence test. I'm sorry. But l just wants to say... that the past few weeks have been great. Me and you have done stuff together. You've helped me out with things... and we're closer than we've ever been. I love you, Dad. And I think if something can bring us that close... it can't possibly be bad.
Homer: Why, you little--
Bart: Uh-oh.
[Bart starts screaming. Inside.]
Marge: What's going on out there?
Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.
Marge: Oh, well.
[Fortunately, Bart is too fast for Homer and runs into his bedroom and locks the door.]
Homer: You can't stay in there forever!
Bart: (in room) I can try!
Homer: March your butt right out here, now!
Bart: (in room) No way, man!
Homer: But--Son, if you don't come out...I can't hug you and kiss you and make you feel all better.
Bart: (in room) You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted!
[Everything is back to normal in the Simpson home as Homer gets mad and pounds on Bart's door, barking like an angry dog.]
Category:Transcripts