This Means War (Phoebe's Quest)/Dialogues

One Saturday, you're hanging out with Phoebe, Nishan, and Julian in the mall food court...
Phoebe: Who knew dunking fries in a milkshake would taste so good?
Julian: Literally everyone, Pheebs.
MC: It's not Phoebe's fault she was never allowed to eat fast food while on the Pageant circuit. She's gotta make up for lost time.
Phoebe: And I intend to start with these hot wings...
Nishan: Uh, oh. Hearst at five o'clock!
if "Home Field" (softball quest) is complete then
   You turn to see Max and his friends cutting across the food court, headed straight for you!
if "Home Field" (softball quest) is not complete then
   You turn to see Max and Kara cutting across the food court, followed by two other Hearst students.
Max: Hey, Phoebe. We're headed to Bergdorf Goodman for the VIP treatment. You wanna join?
Phoebe: What?
Max: You can get whatever you want. I'll even foot the bill. All you have to do is transfer back to Hearst.
Phoebe: That's a generous offer, but...
Max: You belong at Hearst, Phoebe. We've got everything... money, status, opportunity.
Max: What can MC's school offer you?
MC: Excuse you, Max...
Choice
What do you say? 
   We've got everything! 
   At least we're not Hearst.
if "We've got everything!" then
   MC: We've got great classes, awesome sports teams, and a ton of clubs. Just because we're not snobs like you doesn't mean we're nothing.
   Max: Yeah, you tell yourself that. Doesn't make it true.
if "At least we're not Hearst." then
   MC: Is anyone at your school actually happy there?
   Max: What are you trying to say?
Kara: Just forget it, Max. Phoebe's already made her choice.
Natalie: Seriously, Kara? What, are you like, happy she left?
Kara starts to respond, but Phoebe holds up an elegant hand. She flashes a perfect, dazzling smile...
Phoebe: Thank you so much for your kind offer, Max. I truly believe you have my best interests at heart. And my answer is...
Phoebe: Yeah, right! I'm over Hearst. You guys only liked me for my status anyway. MC's the first person who made me feel like I could be me, and I'm never going back.
Max: This is your last chance, Phoebe.
Phoebe: Oh, well in that case...
Phoebe: Definitely not!
Max: You're making a big mistake. And you're going to regret it. I meant what I said before... this is war.
Derek: Come on, man. Just let it go.
Max glares at you one last time...
Max: Fine, whatever. Let's go.
As he turns to leave, Max swings his arm out, knocking over Phoebe's milkshake! It spills all over Nishan's shirt.
Nishan: Hey!
MC: Really, Max? You're gonna stoop that low?
Max: Oh, whoops. My bad.
Max shrugs and walks away with his friends. Nishan futilely tries to wipe at the milkshake stain on his shirt.
Phoebe: We can't let him get away with this! If Max wants a war, we'll give him a war.
Nishan: It's really not that bad, Phoebe. A little detergent and some cold water, and my Star Journey tee will be as good as new!
Phoebe: But we have to stand up to Max, or he'll just keep pushing us around.
Phoebe: If this were a pageant, I'd destroy Max in the next competition segment, but... I don't know what to do here.
Julian: You know, I think this calls for a prank.
Phoebe: A prank? Like... swapping out someone's makeup setting spray with sunscreen?
Nishan: Would that be effective?
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. It'd totally wreck a girl's chances during a pageant.
MC: You're on the right track, Phoebe, but we have to come up with something that'll work against Max and his Hearst goons.
MC: And I know exactly who to call.
You gather your friends in the school library to help Phoebe plan her revenge prank. Your friends call out ideas while you record them on the whiteboard.
Classmate 1: For a warm-up prank, we should run clear tape across a doorway at Hearst. Max and his crew would walk right into it!
Payton: Ooh, we should hide all their designer clothes! That'd be soooo evil.
MC: It's going on the board. Other ideas?
Phoebe: What if we replaced all the pencils in Hearst with fountain pens?
Autumn: That would be, uh... unexpected.
Nishan: Yeah, I'm not sure it really accomplishes our goal.
Julian: We gotta take these pranks to the next level. This is Hearst we're talking about.
if Classmate 1 is Calvin then
   Calvin: What if we stuck all their stuff in jello? Or faked an alien spaceship landing in the Hearst parking lot!
   Calvin: Max would be like whaaat? And we'd be like dude, you've got aliens!
   MC: Hm... honestly, I don't think Max would fall for that.
   Calvin: You haven't seen my paper mache skills yet.
Phoebe: Okay, I think I get it. What if we filled the halls with balloon animals?
Payton: Ohmygosh, that would be sooo cute!
Payton: But it's not very, um... prank-y.
Autumn: Try again, Phoebe. Use your imagination! Like...
Autumn: What if we placed Mona Lisa paintings all over campus? Her eyes would follow you around the hall, and it'd be so creepy!
Phoebe: Hm... okay, I think I have one! How about this?
Phoebe: We get Max to sit on a whoopee cushion! Just imagine his face when it goes braaaap!
Classmate 1: Come on, Phoebe, we need a better prank than that. You gotta go big or go home.
MC: I know you can come up with something better.
MC: The Phoebe I know... the one who can karate chop twenty boards during a pageant show... can definitely think of a cool prank!
Phoebe: You're right, MC... and I think I know exactly what we should do to get our revenge!
In the library, Phoebe flashes her side-cocked grin at you and your friends.
MC: So what's your big prank idea, Phoebe?
Phoebe: We saran wrap Max's car...
Classmate 1: I like the sound of this.
Phoebe: ...and then set it on fire!
Autumn: Wait, what?!
Phoebe: Not good enough? It's cool, I've got another one...
Phoebe: We steal the Hearst statue from the quad, dress it up in a clown costume, and drop it off a cliff!
MC: Phoebe...
Choice
What do you say? 
   That's hilarious! 
   That's way too much.
if "That's hilarious!" then
   MC: Definitely viral video material. Let's do both!
   Payton: Earth to MC... I'm pretty sure we'd be committing five different felonies.
if "That's way too much." then
   MC: Sorry, Phoebe, but we should probably avoid committing felonies...
Nishan: There must be something we can do that's both legal and allows us to get back at Max...
Phoebe: Man, brainstorming pranks is harder than I thought it'd be...
You and your friends continue brainstorming until...
Classmate 1: Hey... what about a glitter bomb?
MC: Yeah. You know, that could work...
Phoebe: Wait a sec. What's a glitter bomb?
Payton: You put a bunch of glitter in envelopes... or, like, spring-loaded tubes... and then you plant them around the place. People trigger them and then...
Payton: Bam! Glitter everywhere. It's a total nightmare to clean up.
Phoebe: I like the sound of that. Let's do it!
Phoebe leaps out of her chair and heads for the library door. She turns around, clearly impatient.
Phoebe: Come on, why are you guys just sitting on your butts? Let's go now!
Nishan: Hold on, we have to be strategic about this.
MC: Yeah, we're gonna need the help of someone who knows the ins and outs of Hearst better than anyone...
After stocking up on supplies for your glitter prank, you and your friends head over to Hearst. Classmate 1 meets everyone by the front gate.
MC: Hey, Classmate 1. What's our status?
if Classmate 1 is Shane then
   Shane: Max and his squad of fashion rejects are in the locker rooms showering after football and cheerleading practice.
   Shane: We've got less than five minutes to pull this off...
   Shane: And can I just say that I'm in love with this prank? I'm all for revenge via glitter.
   Phoebe: Yeah, this is gonna be so cool! Max won't know what hit him.
if Classmate 1 is not Shane then
   Mia: Max and the others are in the locker rooms showering after football and cheerleading practice.
   Mia: We've got less than five minutes to pull this off...
   Phoebe: We've got this. Let's go!
You and your friends sneak into the main hall near the locker rooms.
You plant buckets, envelopes, and spring-loaded tubes over doorways, on desks, and all around the hallway.
MC: I think we've covered everything!
Nishan: Hold on. Let me leave a glitter bomb next to this water fountain--
Just then, you hear footsteps coming down the hall!
MC: They're on their way! Everyone, hide!
You place your last glitter bomb, then hide in a nearby classroom with your friends.
Max walks in, throwing the door open...
Max: Derek, dude, that catch you made at practice was killer.
Derek: Thanks, man.
And a bucket of glitter tips over, right onto Max's head!
Max: Wha--
Max splutters as a shower of glitter hits him! Kara and Natalie yelp as the glitter clings to them.
Max: What is this?!
Kara: Pbbbftt. Get it off!
Max walks forward, ineffectively trying to brush the glitter out of his hair...
And accidentally kicks a spring-loaded glitter bomb planted by the door!
The glitter bomb explodes, spraying Max with more glitter!
Max: Argh! It's everywhere!
Natalie: OMG, it's all over my skirt! Kara, we can't go to the cheerleading workshop looking like this.
Kara: We'll just have to get the glitter out... somehow.
if Classmate 1 is Shane then
   Shane breaks away from your group, tip-toeing over to the doorway to snap a picture of Max and the others covered in glitter.
   Shane: Sweet, sweet justice is served. This is going online for sure.
if Classmate 1 is not Shane then
   Mia breaks away from your group, tip-toeing over to the doorway to snap a picture of Max and the others covered in glitter.
   Mia: Wait 'til all our cousins see this... Max is never gonna live it down.
Giggling, you and your friends sneak through the hallway. You trade high-fives with Phoebe as you run down the school steps.
MC: Congrats on your first prank ever, Phoebe. How do you feel?
Phoebe: You know when you nail your first place acceptance speech at the end of a pageant?
MC: No...?
Phoebe: That's how I feel right now. Pranking is the best!
As you near the Hearst gates, you hear a shout! You see Max back on the school steps, with his friends behind him. His hair sparkles with glitter in the afternoon sun.
Max: MC! I should've known you were behind this! You're not going to get away with this!
MC: With what? We have no idea what you're talking about...
Max: You messed with the wrong school. We'll get back at you for this!
MC: Ooh, I'm so scared.
Max storms back into the school. You grin at your friends, who break into laughter!
Payton: That was amazing! Max and Kara look so stylish in all that glitter.
Julian: Yeah, we got Hearst good.
Phoebe: That'll teach them to do stuff like spill a drink on my homeboy, Nishan!
Nishan: Thanks, Phoebe. I feel sufficiently avenged by that prank.
Phoebe: Sweet. Let's grab some pizza and celebrate!
if Classmate 1 is Hannah then
   After everyone fills up on pizza, you all head back to campus, where you run into Hannah!
   Hannah: Hey! Y'all look real happy about somethin'...
   MC: Phoebe just pulled off her very first prank ever!
   Hannah: First prank? What've you been doing this whole time?
   Phoebe: Pageants, pageants, and more pageants. Not exactly the perfect environment for pranking.
   Phoebe: I mean, when I was running for Miss Tri-County, I couldn't even get a speck of dirt on my dress, much less prank someone!
   Hannah: I can't imagine. I'm always gettin' my clothes all muddy on the ranch...
   Phoebe: Whoa. Seriously?
   Hannah: Well, when you're catching a foal on the run, you ain't got time to worry about keeping clean!
   MC: I can vouch for that.
if Classmate 1 is not Hannah then
   After everyone fills up on pizza, you all head back to campus. You cut through the quad toward the Prep Hangout.
   Phoebe: I gotta say, pulling that prank was awesome. I can't believe I've been missing out on stuff like this while I was doing pageants.
   Payton: Don't worry. We've got your back. We'll totally show you all the other cool stuff there is to do.
   Phoebe: Does that include more pranks?
   MC: Definitely. We've got a whole list of ideas to get through!
You pull open the door to the Prep Hangout...
And see huge spiders covering every surface!
Phoebe: Aaaaaah!
You're faced with huge, black spiders all over the Prep Hangout!
Choice
What do you do? 
   Stay calm. 
   Panic!
if "Stay calm." then
   You slowly back out of the Prep Hangout, careful not to step on any of the spiders.
   MC: If we don't make any sudden movements, they won't bite us, right? That's how nature works?
   Phoebe: Not spiders! They're super unpredictable!
if "Panic!" then
   MC: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
   You jump back, crashing into Classmate 1 in your terror!
   MC: Let me out, let me out!
   Phoebe: Right behind you, MC!
Payton: I'm dead... we're all DEAD!
Payton rushes past you, collapsing dramatically on the grass outside.
Nishan: I always feared robots would take over the world, but the spider apocalypse... that's a new one.
if Classmate 1 is Hannah then
   Hannah: Aw, they're just little Bumble-flickers! It's good luck if they land in your food!
   Nishan: That is both inaccurate and unhygienic!
   Hannah: No need to get all riled up, y'all. Spiders are our little friends!
   Hannah crouches down to examine the spiders...
   Hannah: Huh. Will ya look at that? They're fake!
   Hannah picks up one of the spiders to show you. It's a rubber replica with bright red eyes.
if Classmate 1 is not Hannah then
   Julian crouches down to examine the spiders...
   Julian: Hey, they're fake!
   Julian picks up one of the spiders to show you. It's a rubber replica with bright red eyes.
MC: I bet Max was behind this...
Mia walks into the Prep Hangout with Payton clinging to her.
Payton: I'm dead... I'm DEAD!
Mia: She's been saying that for three minutes now.
Phoebe: Okay, that's it! We pranked Max and his guys, they pranked us...
Phoebe: Now let's get back at them for real.
Once the fake spiders are cleared away, you and your friends settle down to plot your revenge.
Phoebe: The debutante gloves are off! No more Miss Nice Pageant Girl...
Phoebe: This next prank is gonna end this war once and for all!
Julian: So, what's our play?
Phoebe: First, we lull them into a false sense of security...
MC: How do we do that?
Phoebe: We surrender. Or at least, we pretend to surrender. Give them some sort of peace offering, something to get everyone in the same place at the same time without raising suspicion.
Mia: I can host a party at my house, so we'd all have a reason to be there.
MC: That's perfect. They'll never see us coming. What did you have in mind for the actual prank, Phoebe?
Phoebe: We bake them a cake as a peace offering... but 'accidentally' swap the sugar for salt!
Julian: Classic. Let's add a side of red hot chili peppers, too.
Nishan: Payton and I can supply the dessert. MC, can you get the chili peppers?
MC: I've got it covered.
Phoebe: Oh, man. I can't wait to see Max breathing flames...
Phoebe: This grand finale is gonna be epic!
The next evening, you arrive at the Warren house. Mia opens the door, and loud dance music floods out!
Mia: Hey, MC! Come on in. The party's just getting started.
MC: Great. Do you know where Nishan is? I've got the secret package...
Mia: Real smooth. But I haven't seen him yet. He must be running late. You can drop that secret package off in the kitchen for now.
MC: Sounds good.
After depositing the chili peppers in the kitchen, you look around the party for your friends. For now, Hearst students and your classmates are mingling without incident...
Just then, Phoebe hurries up to you, a huge grin on her face.
Phoebe: MC, perfect. We've had a slight change of plans...
MC: What do you mean?
Phoebe: I made my prank way cooler. You're gonna love it!
Just then, the doorbell rings... and a gigantic cake is wheeled in!
MC: What's going on?
You turn to Phoebe as the giant cake is wheeled into the Warren house party.
MC: Phoebe, what's going on?
Phoebe: It's our new prank! Here, take this...
Phoebe slips you a water gun.
Phoebe: Nishan's hiding inside the cake with a water gun. Once Max starts to cut the cake, Nishan'll jump out, and we'll start a huge water fight!
Phoebe: Remember: cake, Nishan, water fight.
MC: Cake, Nishan, water fight. Got it.
Standing next to the cake, Mia calls for attention.
Mia: This week's been pretty wild, hasn't it?
Mia: Our apologies for the silly prank war. As a token of our appreciation, please enjoy this cake! Take it away, Max!
Mia steps aside for Max to cut the cake. He circles the giant cake, looking it over. Suddenly, he plunges his hands right into the frosting!
Max rips open the cardboard top and pulls out a frosting-covered Nishan!
Nishan: Uh... surprise?
Max takes the water gun out of Nishan's hand.
Max: Don't even try it, dude.
Max squirts Nishan with the water gun before he can get away. Natalie and Derek appear next to you.
Phoebe: What do you guys want?
Natalie: Come on. We know you have water guns.
Derek: Hand them over.
MC: Here you go...
Max looks up to see you and Phoebe across the room. He winks.
Max: Nice try, losers.
MC: Man, how did he see that coming?
MC: I didn't even see that coming!
Phoebe: Ugh, this sucks!
Shoulders slumped, Phoebe turns her back on the party and walks out...
MC: Phoebe, wait!
You catch up with Phoebe out on the Warren house's front porch.
MC: Phoebe? Are you okay?
Phoebe: I just wanted my first prank war to be awesome, you know? People were counting on me to come up with a spectacular prank that they all loved...
Phoebe: But I failed. Big time.
Phoebe: Man, I haven't felt like this since I lost the Princess Middlefield pageant years ago...
MC: What're you talking about, Phoebe? It's not about what everyone else thinks is funny. Pranks are about having fun. Sure, the cake thing kinda backfired, but that doesn't mean you can't still have the last laugh!
Phoebe: What do you mean?
MC: Max is inside. And after what just happened, I bet he thinks he's won for real.
MC: This is the perfect time to prank him!
Phoebe: But... do you really think I can pull it off?
MC: Absolutely. Just be yourself... listen to your gut.
Phoebe thinks for a moment...
Phoebe: Okay, I know what I wanna do. But I'll need your help...
You and Phoebe return to the Warren house party. You spot Max hanging out on the couch with Kara, Natalie, and Derek.
Phoebe: All you gotta do is get Max to stand up, and I'll take care of the rest.
MC: On it!
You walk confidently up to Max. He looks up at you from his seat and laughs.
Max: Nice prank back there. Too bad it was a total failure.
MC: Max...
Choice
What do you do? 
   Insult Max! 
   Flirt with Max!
if "Insult Max!" then
   MC: Even we couldn't have predicted your gross eating habits. Who digs into a communal cake fingers-first?
   Derek and Kara start to snicker, but quickly hide their laughs with coughs.
   Max: I only did that because I knew Nish-geek was inside!
   MC: Suuuuuure... it's no wonder your school can't even keep a Prom queen. Did Phoebe see you eat one day?
   Max: Hey!
   Max stands up, furious. All eyes are on you as Max gets in your face.
   Phoebe quickly slips a whoopee cushion onto the couch before sneaking away. You put your hands up defensively.
   MC: I guess I touched a nerve... no big deal. I'm not here to start a fight.
   You turn away from Max and walk over to where Phoebe is waiting nearby.
   Max: Yeah, you'd better walk away...
if "Flirt with Max!" then
   MC: You look so hot right now...
   Max: What?
   MC: We may be rivals or whatever, but even I can't help but notice...
   You give Max the once-over with a grin. He smiles as he stands up, his lips curving into a smirk. All eyes are on you as Max gets close to you.
   Phoebe quickly slips a whoopee cushion onto the couch before sneaking away.
   Max: You just can't get me out of your mind, can you?
   MC: Something like that...
   You wink at Max before walking over to where Phoebe waits nearby.
You and Phoebe watch as Max sits down, right on the whoopee cushion...
Toot!
Kara, Natalie, and Derek all crack up laughing!
Max: Wait, no. That wasn't me! I didn't--
Derek: Dude, just own it.
Max looks down and notices the whoopee cushion! He pulls it out, but not before it lets out a final pfffff, setting off another round of laughter.
Max: Really? ...really, guys?
Natalie: OMG, I just... I just can't!
Kara: Sorry. It was just too funny!
Next to you, Phoebe shoots her trademark side-cocked grin at you.
MC: I think Operation: Whoopee was a success!
Phoebe: Definitely. We did it!
Phoebe: Thanks for having my back, MC.
MC: Of course. You're one of us now, and we look out for our own... and basically everyone. We just can't help it.
Phoebe: And it's been awesome. I love being able to cut loose and just be myself... weird pranks and all.
MC: That's the best way to have fun!
Phoebe: You know, now that we've gotten all that pranking out of the way...
Phoebe: It's time to par-tay! Wooo!
MC: Yeah! It's about time!
You link arms with Phoebe and head back to the party...