Headhunters 5: The Soon-to-be-Severed Seventeen

==Introduction==
Down goes the champion! Down goes the champion! 
Week one came and went faster than a hiccup, and already Headhunters Premium has delivered us one of the most exciting eliminations in league history. 
==In Memorium: Hasta Laviska Baby==
oh no Laviska Baby, what is you doin? 
In a fate that can only be described as self-inflicted, Hasta Laviska just wrapped up the shortest title defense that is humanly possible in this league. Last week I called him the Fictitious King and said a strong showing in 2023 would dissuade all who doubt the legitimacy of his crown. And this is what he gives us. 
Hasta had a decent strategy during the draft. He missed on a QB2, so he audibled to a two tight-end set and was prepared to role out a potent combo of Engram and Andrews week one. He only forgot one thing: players who don't play often finish with zero fantasy points or less. That's just science.
In a Universe where Fantasy Gods have been proven to exist, why would you do the single thing that angers them most? Philip's Team learned the hard way in 2019: if you don't set your lineup, you will get beheaded in the most grueling way possible. Now Jared CLAIMS he set his lineup Sunday morning, which is weird considering the timing of this Sleeper notification: 
Glorio, the all powerful overlord of Headhunters, didn't buy it and showed he was in mid-season form with an elimination for the ages. 
Going into the fourth quarter on MNF, with Aaron Rodgers already at home sipping Ayahuasca, Hasta was virtually tied with Extra Tight Ends. Tight had also lost his star TE, Kelce, but did the unthinkable and actually benched him, putting Jared in a really tough spot. 
Tight End had a slight lead, which evaporated when New York kicked a go-ahead field goal, docking Bills D 3 points. Hasta was now up 0.17. Five catches by Evan Engram were proving to be a huge difference-maker, compared to just two from Keeling's Cade Otten. Thanks to the premium scoring rule, Jared just needed the game to end and he would survive. But on the ensuing drive, Gabe Davis caught a short pass that gave Keeling a lead of 1.63 that he would not relinquish. A short OT run by James Cook wasn't enough to close the gap, and our first gut-wrenching elimination was in the books. 
Laviska caught a lot of heat in both LOC and HH last season for title runs in which he made very few roster moves. My feeling? If your team is good, why bother with roster moves? He won it all, so the strategy obviously worked. But this season he took it to another level and literally did not move his roster at all, leaving in players who were inactive and failing to even make it to the first round of waivers. Even bolder, Laviska leaves with the idol in his pocket. 
Now I can't guarantee that everyone's "in memorium" is going to be this long. But for the defending champ, and for a loss like this, I had to stretch it out. And now it is time to say hasta la vista to Hasta Laviska, who now has one less league and $22 fewer dollars to worry about. He came, he saw, he conquered. Then he came back, saw again, and thought "nah, I'm good." 
Hasta Laviska:
==Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)==
Weeks Survived (2019 v 2020 v 2021 v 2022 v 2023)
Team 	2023 Finish	2022 Finish	2021 Finish	2020 Finish	2019 Finish
Hasta Laviska Baby	18th (-17) 	1st (+16) 	17th (-7) 	10th (+2) 	12th
A bolded finish means they finished higher than their previous year. The finish in italics represents the team's top finish throughout their entire history.
==Dead Money==
Keeping track of all the cash that never got spent by teams that are now eliminated.
Dead Money 2023
Dead Money	% of Total Eliminated Cash
$1000 	100%
As is often the case, our first team is sent to the guillotine without a single dollar spent. 
==Top New Releases==
#Jahmyr Gibbs
#Joe Burrow
#Mark Andrews
#Terry McLaurin
#James Cook
==2022 Week Two Bidding Results==
For those who are new to the league, this is the section where we normally highlight the bidding that took place the previous week (for example, next week this section will recap everything that happens over the next few days leading into Week 2 TNF). But since there was no bidding in week one, let's take a look at the action from this week LAST season:
2022 - Week Two Bidding Results (Fifteen Teams Bidding)
Player 	Winning Team 	Winning Bid	Next Highest Bid
Lamar Jackson 	deCaPitated 	$489 	$333 (Bad Boys)
Trey Lance 	Wildcat (no QBs no problem)	$277 	$32 (Bad Boys)
Mike Williams 	The Guilloteam 	$251 	$89 (deCaPitated)
Mark Andrews 	The Guilloteam 	$201 	$81 (Henry VIII)
Darrell Henderson Jr.	Wildcat (no QBs no problem)	$158 	$100 (The Guilloteam)
Rashod Bateman 	Laser Rocket Arms 	$101 	$26 (Henry VIII)
Tony Pollard 	Henry VIII 	$24 	$12 (deCaPitated)
Joe Flacco 	Muller Lite 	$21 	N/A
Treylon Burks 	The Guilloteam 	$20 	$5 (Beach McBungalow)
Jordan Mason 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	$5 	N/A
Robby Anderson 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	$5 	N/A
Cooper Rush 	Wildcat (no QBs no problem)	$3 	N/A
Greg Dortch 	Bobecue Chicken 	$3 	N/A
Chris Godwin 	The Guilloteam 	$1 	N/A
Sterling Shepard 	Bobecue Chicken 	$1 	N/A
=== Quick-Hit Thoughts ===
*What a difference a year makes. 
*Look at Trey Lance sitting there, sucking up 28% of Derek's hard-earned budget. Further down, Wildcat (now named Monty's Python) picked up Cooper Rush too! Has anybody checked to see if Derek is 1.) A future-seer and 2.) A Cowboys fan?
*Robby Anderson...that's not even his real name! Love to see Robbie Chosen playing on the Dolphins practice squad, where his last name is even more pathetic looking on the depth chart next to Tyreek fucking Hill. 
*Okay, but what to make of this bidding? Lamar Jackson went for nearly 50% of CP's budget but the next highest bid clocked in at 33%. This puts Joe Burrow's value anywhere from 25-50% of someone's budget. 
*Mark Andrews is once again a week one add for some lucky fella, though it remains to be seen if his injury prevents an equally-hefty 20% budget spend. Though last
*I once again expect big things from Guilloteam, who blew half his budget by overpaying for Andrew and Mike Williams by a combined 28%.
==2022 Money Spent Per Week==
Running this back from last week so people can get one more look at how week 2 bidding typically goes. In 2021, week 1 did not have an eliminated team, hence the $9 spent on just two players. In 2022, the top five players went for an average of $275. 
Money Spent Per Week
Week	Budget Spent 	Budget Spent (2021)	Budget Spent (2020)	Budget Spent (2019)
2 	$1560 (15 Players) 	$9 (2 Players) 	$1,173 (12 Players)	$1,339 (7 Players)
3 	$1,160 (10 Players)	$1,283 (10 Players)	$1,033 (7 Players) 	$1,902 (15 Players)
4 	$1,475 (10 Players)	$657 (8 Players) 	$1,182 (11 Players)	$1,614 (11 Players)
5 	$1,740 (13 Players)	$1,376 (11 Players)	$181 (4 Players) 	$1,743 (14 Players)
6 	$1,355 (14 Players)	$1,231 (10 Players)	$1,542 (10 Players)	$1,1018 (11 Players)
7 	$45 (6 Players) 	$965 (10 Players) 	$1,494 (13 Players)	$1,036 (9 Players)
8 	$1,085 (13 Players)	$2,159 (15 Players)	$1,938 (17 Players)	$630 (7 Players)
9 	$552 (9 Players) 	$1,059 (12 Players)	$1,454 (12 Players)	$624 (6 Players)
10 	$424 (14 Players) 	$1,393 (9 Players) 	$712 (6 Players) 	$386 (8 Players)
11 	$48 (2 Players) 	$1,121 (16 Players)	$777 (8 Players) 	$176 (6 Players)
12 	$273 (7 Players) 	$643 (7 players) 	$385 (5 Players) 	$93 (6 Players)
13 	$234 (8 Players) 	$364 (10 Players) 	$277 (6 Players) 	$13 (3 Players)
14 	$56 (3 Players) 	$90 (10 Players) 	$2 (2 Players) 	$36 (5 Players)
15 	$78 (4 Players) 	$15 (3 Players) 	$1 (1 Player) 	$15 (6 Players)
16 	$91 (2 Players) 	$20 (5 Players) 	$2 (2 players) 	$4 (2 Players)
17 	$144 (4 Players) 	$3 (3 Players) 	N/A 	N/A
==Week One Results==
Every year I get the same comment/question about the live updates to the weekly standings. The Yahoo app (shut up, Wolfe) does not live update the weekly scores on the "standings" page. 
HOWEVAH, the Yahoo website does a great job of this. So if you are on a computer or tablet, or if you go to the web browser on your phone, you can refresh the weekly points list for a minute-to-minute heat check on the league. 
Week One Results
Finish (Last Week)	Player 	Total Points
1 	Monty's Python (Derek) 	228.65
2 	Tee Diggs my Chubb for sure-oh (Nate)	215.16
3 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack (KVR) 	196.22
4 	Al Snows Fav Squad (Zach) 	195.28
5 	Out of Luck (Papa Diggs) 	185.52
6 	Headless Horsemen (Andrew) 	184.12
7 	deCaPitated (Chris) 	181.23
8 	Obi-Wan Mahomie (Wolfe) 	158.07
9 	Jeff Probst' Tribe (Joe Cola) 	152.90
10 	What Hurts Moore (Big Game Tebo) 	148.39
11 	Jethro's Glorious Team (Jethro) 	147.48
12 	Bobecue Chicken (Bob) 	142.71
13 	Müller Lite (Roger) 	136.27
14 	Henry VIII (Commish) 	134.87
15 	Never Done This Before (Scott) 	129.56
16 	The Guilloteam (Patrick) 	129.48
17 	Extra Tight Ends (Keeling) 	98.70
18 	Hasta Laviska Baby (Jared) 	97.49
* Biggest Climber: Big Game Tebo - Coach was first out in 2022 but starts 2023 in 10th place. 
* Biggest Faller: Jared - Won it all in 2022, only to be bounced in week 1 of 2023. Life comes at you fast. 
==Draft Dodgers==
Team Results Based on Draft Position
Draft Pick	Team 	Week Eliminated
1 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	ALIVE
2 	Extra Tight Ends 	ALIVE
3 	The Guilloteam 	ALIVE
4 	What Hurts Moore? 	ALIVE
5 	Al Snows Fav Squad 	ALIVE
6 	Henry VIII 	ALIVE
7 	Müller Lite 	ALIVE
8 	Never Done This Before 	ALIVE
9 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack 	ALIVE
10 	Jethro's Glorious Team 	ALIVE
11 	Monty's Python 	ALIVE
12 	Bobecue Chicken 	ALIVE
13 	Out of Luck 	ALIVE
14 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	1
15 	Headless Horsemen 	ALIVE
16 	Jeff Probst' Tribe 	ALIVE
17 	Tee Diggs my Chubb for sure-oh	ALIVE
18 	deCaPitated 	ALIVE
As the first team eliminated, Jared will have first choice of where he picks in 2023. 
==Kings of the Castle==
===1. Monty's Python===
Monty's Flying Circus did not disappoint, with contributions of 15+ from 8 of his 10 starters, but there are some weird vibes nonetheless. Henry was out-snapped by Spears, and Ekeler's status is in question due to an ankle. 
===2. Tee Diggs===
Tee may Digg his Chubb but she can't possible have dug Tee Higgins's 0 points on 8 targets. Still, for a team that say on QB, you can't complain about 59.10 combined points at the position. 
===3. Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack===
The lone team who had not paid his dues, Bad Boys must have been scared straight by -0.05 fantasy points from starting QB Aaron Rodgers because funds hit my account early this morning. KVR awakens to a nightmarish world in which he lost his QB1 in both fantasy and on his favorite NFL team, leaving him with Sam Howell in Headhunters and Zach Wilson in New York.
===4. Al Snow's Fav Squad===
Love was in the air on Sunday. Al Snow set his lineup and then set out to propose to his long-time girlfriend on Sunday. She said yes and Jordan love scored 37.20, leaving the Squad with plenty to be grateful for heading into Track 2 of HH. 
===5. Out of Luck===
Luck may be Jonesing for a change at QB after Danny Dimes failed to cash in on a SNF debut in week one, but at least he had Tyreek the Freak Hill to bail him. 
==On the Chopping Block==
===17. Extra Tight Ends===
Ironically, this team doesn't have any extra tight ends. They desperately need Kelce back and a few winning bids to keep things going. A whopping six players failed to break five points, including a shocking goose-egg from Drake London and a near-nothingburger from Tyler Void. Don't even get me started on Kadaverous TOmbstONEY. 
===16. The Guilloteam===
He's quiet...too quiet. Guilloteam had five total 0's on his team (bench/starters combined), and Josh Allen's four turnovers is a spooky scary stat considering he is the only rostered QB at the moment for Ol 50/50. 
===15. Never Done This Before===
Familiar territory for the team that's never done this before, as FFDraft gets off to yet another slow start in 2023. There is a lot of promise in Javonte, not so much for Akers, who averaged just 1.32 yards a carry. In fact, the Rbs on this roster combined for an average of just 5.11 points. 
===14. Henry VIII===
Commish had just one of his 10 starters break 20 points (Brock Purdy), and it's not a great sign that Allen Lazard nearly outscored Najee Harris, or that Kendrick Bourne nearly doubled the fantasy output of Lamar Jackson. 
===13. Müller Lite===
I don't need to say anything about Müller. As a Jets fan, he is already being mean enough to himself. 
==Average Scores of Eliminated Teams==
Average Scores of Eliminated Teams
Team 	Average Score	Weeks Played
Hasta Laviska Baby	97.49 	1
==Narrow Defeats==
Margin of Defeat for Last Place Teams:
Margin of Defeat for Eliminated Teams
Team 	Margin of Defeat	Week Eliminated
Hasta Laviska Baby	1.21 	1
==Rulers of the Kingdom==
2023 first place finishers:
Top Scorers by Week
Week	Team 	Score
1 	Monty's Python	228.65
A year after finishing 2nd-to-last, nearly getting chopped before the paint was even dry in the endzones, Monty finds himself atop the leaderboard with a solid chance at another championshi run. 
==Dungeon Dwellers==
2023 teams that finished second-to-last, narrowly avoiding elimination:
Low Scorers by Week
Week	Team 	Score
1 	Extra Tight Ends	98.70
==Single Season Scoring Records==
As teams get eliminated, their single season performance will appear here. Bolded lines indicate performances from the current season. 
All-Time Single Season HH Point Records
Score 	Player 	Year
3,697.30	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2022
3,581.72	Beach McBungalow (Tee Diggs my Chubb)	2022
3428.76 	CP 	2019
3402.18 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2019
3363.88 	CP (deCaPitated) 	2022
3121.28 	Return of the Mac 	2021
3049.02 	Bobecue Chicken 	2021
3015.53 	Mixon Beer 	2020
3013.13 	Müller Lite 	2021
2997.67 	The Guilloteam 	2019
2980.07 	Last Coach Standing 	2020
2833.37 	Out of Luck 	2022
2743.25 	@FFDraftScott 	2020
2733.07 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2020
2709.59 	Mac 	2019
2677.20 	Out of Luck 	2021
2675.14 	Wildcat (no QBs no problem) 	2022
2620.18 	The Titanic 	2021
2614.60 	burrow for sure-oh 	2022
2438.96 	Bad Boys II - The Soundtrack 	2022
2422.98 	I Can Dere-lick My Own Balls 	2019
2377.31 	The Guilloteam 	2020
2285.51 	CP 	2020
2282.91 	Out of Luck 	2020
2262.36 	Bad Boys 	2021
2233.57 	Soul Survivor (burrow for sure-oh) 	2021
2134.22 	I Can Dere-lick My Own Balls 	2021
2046.35 	LIVEWithIt 	2019
2034.86 	Laser Rocket Arms 	2022
1941.63 	Bobecue Chicken 	2019
1939.02 	Beach McBungalow 	2021
1936.45 	Neck-Fix and Chill 	2021
1862.19 	Henry VIII 	2022
1817.79 	Carole Pigskin 	2020
1749.51 	The Guilloteam 	2021
1736.99 	Neck-Fix and Chill 	2019
1611.76 	Ya Hate 2 See It 	2020
1512.91 	Neck-Fix and Chill 	2020
1509.41 	CP 	2021
1483.70 	Last Coach Standing 	2021
1473.18 	Henry VIII 	2021
1439.40 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2020
1357.00 	Henry VIII 	2019
1351.99 	Muller Lite 	2022
1300.35 	The Guilloteam 	2022
1238.56 	Bluedevils 	2019
1182.09 	Mixon Beer with Liquor 	2021
1160.81 	Ya Hate 2 See It 	2021
1132.61 	Henry VIII 	2020
1116.98 	Shotti's Bugatti 	2020
1055.63 	Mac 	2020
1049.89 	LIVEWithIt 	2020
991.57 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2021
975.59 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2019
806.27 	Mixon It Up With Mahomie 	2022
768.10 	Shotti's Bugatti 	2021
717.82 	Out of Luck 	2019
713.12 	I Can Dere-lick My Own Balls 	2020
708.44 	The Executioner 	2022
544.55 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2021
489.42 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	2022
481.22 	@FFDraftScott 	2019
459.96 	Bobecue Chicken 	2020
324.28 	Bobecue Chicken 	2022
294.62 	Steve Blackman's Nun 	2021
286.36 	Ya Hate 2 See It 	2019
262.69 	Bad Boys 	2020
123.21 	CoachKnows 	2022
115.16 	Mixon Beer 	2019
97.49 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	2023
96.56 	Steve Blackman's Nun 	2020
By the grace of the tight-end premium, Hasta avoids becoming the worst team in Headhunters history. 
==All-Time Combined Points Scored==
Same as above: eliminated teams will have their 2023 season added to the total. Bolded lines indicate that the record has been updated through 2023. 
This season we are also adding a per season avg. since several have played some, but not all, of the seasons in Headhunters season. As records get updated the per season avg. will be added. I also made the table sortable so you can sort by score total or average. 
All-Time Combined Points Records
Score 	Player 	Years Played	Per Season Avg.
10,587.56	deCaPitated 	4 	
8626.98 	Tee Diggs my Chubb 	4 	
8511.30 	Out of Luck 	4 	
8424.84 	The Guilloteam 	4 	
7879.51 	Never Done This Before 	4 	
7594.94 	Obi-Wan Mahomie 	4 	
7169.22 	It's Blitz! Track 2 	4 	
7201.35 	Hasta Laviska Baby 	5 	1440.27
6987.92 	Monty's Python 	4 	
6665.96 	burrow for sure-oh (defunct) 	3 	2221.98
6439.42 	Bad Boys 	4 	
6076.59 	Extra Tight Ends 	4 	
5824.98 	Henry VIII 	4 	
5774.89 	Bobecue Chicken 	4 	
5186.35 	Neck-Fix and Chill (defunct) 	3 	1728.78
4586.98 	What Hurts Moore? 	3 	
4365.12 	Müller Lite 	2 	
3058.93 	Jethro's Glorious Team 	3 	
1885.08 	Shotti's Bugatti (defunct) 	2 	942.54
1238.56 	Bluedevils (defunct) 	1 	1238.56
698.91 	Phillip's Team (defunct) 	1 	698.91
391.19 	Steve Blackman's Nun (defunct)	2 	195.60
==Conclusion==
Season five is already off to an exciting start. Best with your bidding and happy hunting!