Getting The War Criminals Back Together

Getting The War Criminals Back Together is the tenth episode of season four, and the thirty-seventh episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on February 10, 2021.
== Plot ==
President Biden’s Cabinet nominees get confirmed.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at the White House.]
Mr. Banana: Greetings, Mr. President! It’s your first full day in office, and as I’m your Chief of Staff and Press Secretary, I officially manage your schedule now! [looks at the clock] You’re a minute late! Unproductive!
Mr. Biden: Hey, Trump was always late!
Mr. Banana: And because of that, he was very unproductive, and lost re-election. Do you want to lose re-election?
Mr. Biden: Yes.
Mr. Banana: NO!
Mr. Biden: I can’t believe the Secret Service confiscated my gun. I’ll have to resign first to get them off my ass. And then I will call Kamala—
Mr. Banana: NO! NO! Kamala can NEVER be President! She’s a leftist in disguise!
Mr. Biden: She agrees with me on—
Mr. Banana: Nope. Just think about her potentially conditioning aid to Israel!
Mr. Biden: Nonsense, Mr. Banana, she clearly stated that she is pro-Israel—
Mr. Banana: Just think about it.
Mr. Biden: But—
Mr. Banana: Just think about it. Palestinians not having to worry about being killed. You can’t trust anyone. Only you can make sure these people get slaughtered in cold blood.
Mr. Biden: Hmm...fine. I’ll be President. But just so I can be absolutely confident the Palestinians will be killed. Screw everything I said about improving the lives of the working class.
Mr. Banana: Good. The working class is a stain on society. If it were up to me, their suffering would not be the result of indifference, but direct action.
Mr. Biden: Indeed.
Mr. Banana: But we can’t do this alone. We must have the most evil cabinet in Bikini Bottom history! Now, where do we start? Hmm...
[Suddenly, Mr. Biden’s phone rings.]
Mr. Biden: [picks it up] Hello?
Mr. Sanders: [on the phone] Greetings, Mr. President!
Mr. Biden: Bernie? Is that you? Where are you?
Mr. Sanders: I’m in—
[Suddenly, a light appears above Mr. Biden’s head.]
Mr. Biden: [evilly grins] You called at the right time, Bernie, as I have a huge favor to ask of you!
Mr. Sanders: And what may that be?
Mr. Biden: Senator Bernard Sanders of Vermont, would you agree to be my Secretary of Labor?
Mr. Sanders: Wow. This sounds great and all, but—
Mr. Banana: JOE! HOW SLEEPY ARE YOU?! I cannot believe you would recruit a Jew—I mean, a (((Communist)))—to be your Secretary of Labor!
Mr. Biden: Just think about it. First, he will be out of Congress.. Second, it will give progressives the impression that they’re welcome in my administration, lowering the chances of a tough primary challenge in 2024. Third, I will be his boss, so I could easily fire him on Twitter if he does something I don’t like.
Mr. Banana: Joe...that’s brilliant! What has gotten into you?!
Mr. Biden: Some drugs my doctor gave me to make my way through the debates. Anyways, with Bernie in this position, our anti-working agenda shall succeed with ease.
Mr. Sanders: You do realize I’m hearing all of this, right?
Mr. Biden: Well…
Mr. Sanders: It doesn’t matter. I can’t be your Secretary of Labor since I’m in Heaven.
Mr. Banana: WHAT?! I cannot believe they let a Jew—I mean, a (((Communist)))—in Heaven!
Mr. Sanders: Well, Jesus was a Jew—
Mr. Banana: Cease this blasphemy at once. [grabs Mr. Biden’s phone and hangs up]
Mr. Biden: Eh, who else can we nominate for Secretary of Labor?
Mr. Banana: We don’t need that position in our productive administration.
Mr. Biden: So what do we do now?
Mr. Banana: Fill the important positions with members of our centrist coalition.
[Mr. Banana calls Mr. Obama and Mr. G.]
Mr. Obama: Hello?
Mr. Banana: Greetings, Mr. Former President, it’s time you and Kelpy G to go through your Cabinet confirmations.
Mr. Obama: On second thought, I’m beginning to enjoy my retirement.
Mr. Banana: Oh really? You don’t want the latest military equipment to perpetrate war crimes like never seen before?
Mr. G: We’ll be there right away!
[Cut to the Senate chamber.]
Mr. Cruz: Today, we will begin the confirmation hearings of President [shivers] Biden’s Cabinet nominees. Barack Obama, you have been nominated to Secretary of State, and Kelpy G, you have been nominated for Secretary of Defense. Barack, let’s start with you. First question: Is Jerusalem the capital of Israel? Should the Bikini Bottom Embassy in Israel remain in Jerusalem?
Mr. Obama: Yes and yes.
Mr. Cruz: Oh, is that so? Why didn’t you move the embassy when you were President?
Mr. Obama: Well, uh—
Mr. Cruz: Save the lies, you socialist! Everyone knows you’re one of those goddamn human rights advocates! Don’t think I forgot about you choosing not to veto anti-Israel resolutions at the UN!
Mr. Obama: Ted, that was merely symbolic. None of those resolutions actually matter. It gives me a good international standing, but I always value the fascist interests of Bikini Bottom at heart. The truth is, during my Presidency, I gave Israel the largest aid package in history. I strongly believe in unconditional aid to Israel, so I can assure you that the genocide they’re committing will continue, and any “human rights concerns” coming out of my mouth are all just for show.
Mr. Cruz: I see. Well, I say the vote should go through unanimous consent. If any Senator who speaks out, there will be a roll call vote. Senators?
[The chamber is silent.]
Mr. Cruz: Congratulations, Secretary Obama. Next up is Kelpy G. First question: President Biden proposed to get almost all the boots off the ground in the Middle East. Will you do that as Defense Secretary?
Mr. G: Well, if I’m speaking on behalf of the administration, then I must—
Mr. Cruz: Then I’m afraid this is over, hippie! Get out!
Mr. G: Wait! You haven’t heard of our replacement! We will stay in all the wars there, but instead of sending our troops, we’ll expand the drone strike program to where they are our primary mode of fighting.
Mr. Cruz: Why?
Mr. G: First, if more of our troops are killed, more people here will be motivated to protest and vote to end it. Second, troops are ordinary folks, and they have a conscience, so there’s always a chance they will not obey an order to commit war crimes. Drones, on the other hand, could be controlled by robots that won’t hesitate. Third, they’re much more lethal. The time it takes for troops to bomb a house, a drone would bomb the entire city.
Mr. Cruz: I like the way you think! Unanimous consent?
[The chamber is silent.]
Mr. Cruz: Congratulations, Secretary G. These confirmations represent the bipartisanship we need in Bikini Bottom. Anyways, I think we’re done here—
[Suddenly, Mr. Fancyson walks in.]
Mr. Fancyson: I can’t believe they forgot to tell me! I’m here to be nominated for Secretary of the Treasury.
Mr. Cruz: Well, Squilliam, how can we trust you to protect the financial security of Bikini Bottom?
Mr. Fancyson: By putting our crony capitalist system into overdrive!
Mr. Cruz: Unanimous consent?
[The chamber is silent.]
Mr. Cruz: Congratulations, Secretary Fancyson. I hope I’m not wrong about you three.
Mr. Fancyson: I can assure you that Bikini Bottom shall be screwed beyond repair! Now, anyone up for fucking children?
[As Mr. Cruz, Mr. Obama, Mr. G, and Mr. Fancyson leave the chamber, the camera zooms out to reveal that they were the only ones there.]
[Cut to the White House Press Briefing Room.]
Mr. Banana: I have just received word that the Senate has confirmed all the President’s Cabinet nominees. Our administration is now fully complete.
Mr. Perkins: Huh? Only the Secretaries of State, Defense, and the Treasury have been confirmed. What about the Secretary of Labor?
Mr. Banana: What about productivity?
Mr. Perkins: What about the Secretary of Health & Human Services? We’re still in a pandemic!
Mr. Banana: As I went to gynecology school, I’ll handle those responsibilities.
Mr. Perkins: What about the Attorney General?
Mr. Banana: Eh, the Trump-appointed incumbent isn’t too bad.
Mr. Perkins: Sir, that incumbent is Larry Lobster. If you didn’t know already, he’s “Not Qualified” according to the Bikini Bottom Bar Association, is a current elected Member of the House of Representatives, and attempted a fucking coup to prevent your administration from taking office!
Mr. Banana: Damnit, Perch, what can I do to get you to shut up? Ask Biden to pardon you for your numerous sex crimes?
Mr. Perkins: Yes, please.
Mr. Banana: Very well then. This press meeting is now over.
[The episode ends as Mr. Banana leaves the room, without answering the questions of a dozen other reporters.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
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