Episode 207: Dennis Quaid/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Backstage, Clifford encounters Kermit.
Clifford	Kerm?
Kermit 	Hi, Clifford?
Clifford	What are you still doin' here?
Kermit 	What?
Clifford	Hey, you're gonna be late for your date.
Kermit 	Oh, well, it's not actually a date, Clifford. No, I'm just taking out the contest winner of the “Spend an Evening with Kermit” contest. You know we had 14,000 entries?
Clifford	Yeah. And how many of those weren't from Miss Piggy?
Kermit 	Uh, just the winner.
Clifford	Well, then, you're sure to have a good time.
Kermit 	Oh, that's true. Uh, wait a second, where is Dennis Quaid?
Clifford	Oh, he's onstage rehearsing the "Dennis the Menace" sketch. And believe me, Kerm, everything's under control. Now, go and have a good time.
Kermit 	(exiting) You know, I suppose you're right. I mean, after all, it's not like bowling balls are gonna come falling out of the sky the minute I leave.
Clifford	Oh, man, why did he have to say that?
 	The signal goes snowy on the monitors, and Nigel panics.
Nigel 	Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Clifford, Clifford, we just lost the satellite feed! What are we gonna do?!
 	Dennis enters, in costume.
Dennis 	Hey, Clifford. Clifford, what happened to the picture? I almost took out Mr. Wilson's eye with my slingshot.
Clifford	Oh, no problem, Dennis. I've got everything under control. Uh, Nigel, uh, disconnect the coaxial hookup, and, uh, reconfigure the transponder.
Nigel 	Okay. (goes to it)
Clifford	That should get our satellite feed up and runnin'.
Dennis 	(holds up male and female extension cords) Or, uh, you could just plug it back in.
 	He plugs them, and the picture comes back on the monitors.
Clifford	Hey!
Nigel 	Hey, yeah!
Clifford	All right! Hey, thanks, Dennis. Problem solved, everybody.
Rizzo 	(passing by) Yeah, and we didn't even have any bowling balls fall out of the sky. Heh.
Dennis 	Yeah…
 	Dennis and the others duck away except Clifford.
Clifford	What are you doin'?
Dennis 	Hey, I know a set-up line when I hear one.
 	Bowling balls fall on Clifford. Music button.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Dennis Quaid! Yay––
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Backstage / “Dancin' With Myself”==
 	Clifford and Zippity talk backstage.
Zippity Zap	Oh, you mean he just plugged it right back in?
Clifford 	Yeah, and then I got pounded by a bunch of bowlin' balls.
Zippity Zap	Ooh! That must have hurt!
Clifford 	It did. Hey, check this out. To keep the show from gettin' away from me this time, I've given out these walkie-talkies. (displays one)
Zippity Zap	Ooh! Zippy!
Clifford 	That's what I said. Watch this. (into the walkie-talkie) Uh, come in, sector 4. Do you read me?
Bobo 	(on the other end) Oh, uh--uh--uh, sector 4. Comin' through, loud and clear.
Zippity Zap	(laughs)
Clifford 	Ha! Yeah! See? From now on, we're gonna be a lean, mean, well-oiled machine!
Zippity Zap	Well, all right!
Clifford 	That's right. (into the walkie-talkie) Uh, ahem. Come in, sector 3. Seymour and Pepe, do you read me?
 	In the commissary, Pepe wipes the counter while Seymour struggles with a live squid in a pot. A sign reads “TODAY'S SPECIAL: FRESH CALAMARI”.
Seymour 	Oh, oh, oh. Pepe, will you get that? I have to subdue this calamari for lunch.
Pepe 	I have to do everything around here!
Clifford 	Do you read me?
Pepe 	(into his unit) Roger, we read you.
 	The squid has gripped Seymour.
Pepe 	Will you stop playing around?
Clifford 	Oh, man. I think my well-oiled machine's got too many dipsticks.
Zippity Zap	Oh, no.
Rizzo 	(imitates static) This is sector 2. Come in, Clifford. Do you read me? (imitates static)
Clifford 	Yeah, Rizzo, loud and clear. Sounds like you're right next to me.
Rizzo 	That's because I am.
Clifford 	(yelps)
Rizzo 	And you should sound like you're onstage, because we're on the air!
Clifford 	I can do that.
 	Clifford takes the stage as the house band plays.
Clifford 	Hey, hey, hey, hey! Welcome to Muppets Tonight. Our special guest is Mr. Dennis Quaid! (applause and squealing) Give it up! But first, here's the Great Gonzo singing “Dancing with My Chicken”.
Gonzo 	Can't do it! Can't do it, Clifford.
Clifford 	What?
Gonzo 	All my chickens flew the coop.
Clifford 	What? Ok, man, it's no problem. I'll just tell a few jokes. E-excuse me, folks. (into the walkie-talkie) Somebody, anybody, come in. I need a joke, fast.
 	On the other end, the squid attacks Seymour.
Clifford 	Hello? Anyone there?
Pepe 	Clifford … how do you get a 200-pound squid off the face of an elephant?!
Clifford 	Hey, folks, how do you get a 200-pound squid off the face of an elephant? Give up? (into the walkie-talkie) What's the punch line? (listens) Okay. “Help! This squid is suckin' my face off!”
 	He's met with silence.
Clifford 	(into the walkie-talkie) I don't get it.
Seymour 	(busts through the door) Help! This squid is suckin' my face off!
 	He knocks into Clifford. Meanwhile, in the control room…
Nigel 	Gee, I don't remember Clifford rehearsing an interpretive squid dance with Seymour.
Dennis 	(enters) Hey. Guys.
Rizzo 	Hey.
Dennis 	(passes around papers) Hey, I had a few extra minutes, so I took the liberty of doing everyone's taxes for the next year and, uh, you're all getting a big refund.
Rizzo 	Wow!
Bobo 	No!
Dennis 	Yeah!
Rizzo 	Even me, Dennis?
Dennis 	Yeah. Look, with 120 dependents, you qualify for the rat family tax credit.
Rizzo 	Wow! That's great! You know, Clifford told me I didn't qualify. Where is that H&R blockhead?
 	Clifford enters, struggling with the squid on his head.
Dennis 	Hey, Clifford, you need a little help with that? Mitsu-BISHI!
 	He grips the squid, pulling it off Clifford's head.
Dennis 	Nissan! (throws it down)
 	The Muppets react in awe. Rizzo imitates Dennis's karate moves. Clifford gets up.
Clifford 	Oh, Dennis, thanks. Hey, how'd you do that?
Dennis 	Oh, that's just a little something I learned in the peace corps, Clifford.
Bobo 	Don't you just love this guy?
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Bobo 	Group hug! Come on!
Dennis 	Awww!
 	Dennis hugs Bobo and Rizzo, and hi-fives the others.
Gonzo 	Hey, hey, Dennis. You are so good at fixing problems. Maybe you can help me figure out how to perform my “dancing with chickens” number without my chickens.
Dennis 	Well... why don't you... just dance with yourself?
Gonzo 	(gasp) Holy toledo, that's it!
 	Gonzo runs to a penthouse setting, where he sings “Dancin' With Myself alongside many clones of himself.”
Gonzo 	Let's dance!
 	More Gonzo clones enter and whoop it up. Statler and Waldorf watch all this on a portable TV on a golf cart.
Statler 	Hey, Waldorf! I think the TV's on the fritz. I'm seeing double Gonzos.
Waldorf 	(with Gonzo's head) Only double? You should be seeing a lot more than that!
 	They chuckle. The Gonzos continue singing.
Gonzo clone	Hey, everybody! I hear there's a party over at Gonzo's house!
 	The clones all duck away.
Gonzo 	Oh. Thank goodness. I thought I'd never leave. (dances)
==Kermit meets the winner==
 	Clifford hears Bobo on the walkie-talkie.
Bobo 	Charlie & Company to Clifford. Emergency! Emergency! We got a problem!
Clifford 	Yeah, yeah. Charlie & Company, what is it?
Bobo 	Well, okay. Uh, I got today's paper--
Clifford 	Yeah, yeah, yeah? Uh-huh? Uh-huh?
Bobo 	And I need a 5-letter word for a small river in Mesopotamia. Over.
Clifford 	Bobo, why are you bothering me with a crossword puzzle?
Bobo 	Well, I couldn't find Dennis.
Clifford 	(shakes head) I'd give anything to switch places with Kermit right now.
 	Meanwhile, Kermit reaches a house with a mailbox labeled “G.G.”
Kermit 	Hmm. Well, this seems to be the, uh, correct address.
 	He rings the doorbell, and a woman in a red dress answers.
Woman (LCR)	Hi.
Kermit 	Hmm. Uh, hi there. Uh--ahem--I'm, uh, Kermit the Frog here. Uh, you must be the winner of the contest, Miss, uh--uh, Gottfried.
Woman (LCR)	Oh, no. I'm just visiting. You must mean my friend. Oh, Gilbert?
Kermit 	Gilbert?
 	Gilbert Gottfried emerges, wearing a Kermit t-shirt, a loud dinner jacket, and heart boxers. Unlike Gilbert, Kermit is at a loss for words.
Gilbert 	Oh, my God! I can't believe I'm meeting Kermit the Frog! I must be dreaming! Pinch me! Slap me! Hit me across the head with a hammer! Ohh, this is so exciting! And look at me! I'm standing here in my underpants! Look at that, huh? Ooh! Can I say "Underpants"? Of course I can say "Underpants." We're not on TV, right?
Kermit 	I--I suppose. Um...
Gilbert 	Oh, I can say "Underpants" all I want! I can yell it to the whole neighborhood!
Kermit 	No, no, no, no.
Gilbert 	UNDERPANTS! (a dog barks) I'M STANDING HERE IN MY UNDERPANTS!
Kermit 	No, I, uh--
Gilbert 	Ooh! I gotta show you the sculpture I made of you.
Kermit 	Sculpture?
Gilbert 	I made a shrine of you. It's made out of nothing but soda crackers and lemon juice. I pray to it every night!
Kermit 	But we'll be late for dinner. Uh--
Gilbert 	“Oh, we'll be late for dinner, we'll be late for dinner!” You're a major star! Get that in your head - they have to bow down to you!
Kermit 	What? But...
Gilbert 	Ooh...I love you!
 	He embraces Kermit and carries him inside.
==Grape Balls Afire==
 	In the commissary, Dennis finishes decorating a wedding cake while Seymour and Pepe watch in amazement.
Dennis 	And that, my friends, is how you make a 4-tiered mock wedding cake, using nothing but soda crackers and lemon juice.
Seymour and Pepe	Wow!
Pepe 	Dennis Quaid, nothing is impossible for you.
Seymour 	Yeah. Now that you've showed us your special dish, we're gonna show you our special dish, which was calamari, but now it's... (uncovers a tray)
Seymour and Pepe	Ta-da!
Pepe 	Meatless meatballs. They're made from grapes.
Seymour 	Yeah.
Dennis 	(tastes one) Mmm... not bad. But… may I make a suggestion?
Seymour 	Oh, yes.
Pepe 	Indeed.
Dennis 	Heat them up first.
Seymour 	(gasp) Wow! Heat them up? What a great idea! I'll be right back. (goes into the kitchen)
Pepe 	Okay, okay. Ha ha. Thank you. Uh, Dennis Quaid, we would just love to do a song with you, but we couldn't think of what to do.
Dennis 	Well, Pepe, it's funny. When picking a song, sometimes it just comes to you in a flash!
 	Seymour comes out of the kitchen, with a flaming pan.
Seymour 	AAAAAAH! GOODNESS, GRACIOUS! MY GRAPE BALLS ARE ON FIRE!
Dennis 	We have a winner!
 	A piano rolls over to Dennis, and he immediately starts playing.
Dennis 	
♪ You shake and bake, and you rattle your pans!
♪ Too much flambé, and you burn your hands!
♪ You made a dish…
♪ And it's delish!
♪ Goodness, gracious, grape balls afire!
 	Switch to the stage, where Dennis plays and sings like Jerry Lee Lewis, joined by Seymour and Pepe.
Dennis 	♪ I laughed at grapes 'cause I thought they were funny!
Seymour 	♪ I cooked 'em up and I made 'em taste yummy!
Pepe 	
♪ We changed your mind!
♪ This dish is fine!
Dennis 	♪ Goodness, gracious, grape balls afire!
Seymour 	Cook 'em, baaaaaaaaaby!
Dennis 	Ooh, tastes good!
Pepe 	Feed me, baby!
Dennis 	♪ I wanna eat them like you knew I would!
Seymour 	♪ Homemade!
Pepe 	♪ From Dennis Quaid!
All three 	
♪ Wanna tell the world that they're great, great, great, great!
♪ We chewed the grapes, and we spit out the seeds!
♪ Yummy, yummy, yummy, satisfy our needs!
Dennis 	
♪ I changed my mind!
♪ Your dish is fine!
All three 	♪ Goodness, gracious, great balls afire!
 	Back to the commissary. Applause.
Seymour 	Wow! Yeah!
Pepe 	Dennis Quaid, you are an amazing entertainer.
Seymour 	Yeah, yeah. You should host the show every week.
 	Clifford's jaw drops as he overhears them. He walks away, dejected.
Pepe 	Ohh! What a marvelous idea!
Seymour 	Yeah, yeah.
Pepe 	Yes. Every week.
Seymour 	Yeah. We can talk to Kermit...
 	Clifford passes two execs in the hallway.
Marty 	It's a cryin' shame.
Artie 	Oh, yeah.
Clifford 	Say what?
Marty 	I was sayin' to my brother, it's a cryin' shame the way they treat an artist like you. Am I right or am I wrong?
Artie 	Cryin' shame.
Marty 	I mean, a man like you should be treated with respect.
Artie 	Treated with respect. Come on.
Marty 	You come with us, then your days of wrestling squid are over.
Artie 	Over.
Marty 	Am I right or am I wrong?
Artie 	Squid.
 	They lead him into the elevator.
Clifford 	Say, say, you guys aren't from that place with uh, uh, the fire and brimstone and little demons, are you?
Artie 	You mean the network?
Marty 	No, no, definitely not the network.
Artie 	Nah.
==Clifford gets an offer==
 	Clifford sits across from Artie and Marty at their desk.
Marty 	Clifford, Artie and I would like to welcome you to Marionuts, the most successful puppet show on television.
Clifford 	Oh, I recognize you two. You're Artie and Marty Pipkin.
Artie & Marty	In the flesh.
Clifford 	So, so what's this all about?
Marty 	Hey, you know, you're a smart dresser, Clifford. Do you like Italian suits?
Clifford 	Well, I love Italian suits.
Artie 	I told you he had good taste.
Clifford 	So uh, what's this got to do with ––
Marty 	Say, lemme ask you something, Clifford, do you like banana bread?
Clifford 	I love banana bread!
Artie 	I told you he was a banana bread type of guy.
Clifford 	So, so, you guys asked me here because uh …
Marty 	Do you like money?
Clifford 	I love money.
Artie 	What'd I tell ya?
Marty 	Clifford, what would you say to two million dollars?
Clifford 	Me? Ha! I'd say, “How do you do, two million dollars? Do you wanna live in my pocket?”
Artie & Marty	(laughing)
Marty 	I love your sense of humor, Clifford. Let us be frank, uh, we think you're terrific. Am I right or am I wrong?
Artie 	Terrific.
Marty 	And we'd like you to come be the new host of – are you ready?
Artie & Marty	The Marionut Show.
Clifford 	Well, I'm flattered by the offer, guys but, but what's most important to me is uh, to feel like I'm a part of a group. You know, like a member of uh, well …
Artie 	A family! Am I right?
Marty 	Well, that's what we are, a family show. Of course, you know that, you've seen our program. My point being –
Clifford 	Well, well, actually, I've never seen the show.
Marty 	You've never seen the show?
Clifford 	(shakes head) Mm-mm.
Marty 	Well, what've you been watching Tuesday mornings at 5:45?
Artie 	Heh! Yeah, what are you, sleepin'?
Marty 	Look, look, do me a favor, just watch this tape of the Marionuts in action, featuring two of our biggest stars…
Artie 	Lucky the Duck and Sparky the Pool Cleaner. Spin him around, Monica.
Marty 	Right behind ya. Heh heh heh. There ya go. There y'are.
 	Monica turns Clifford's chair toward a TV set, giggles, then gives him a smooch and scampers off.
Clifford 	Oh. Well, she's friendly.
 	On the show, a marionette duck speaks with a Daffy Duck lisp.
Lucky Duck 	Hi, boys and girls! I'm Lucky Duck! (applause, bows) Thank you! Thank you! Gee, I wonder where Sparky is! Oh, here comes Sparky now!
 	Angle on Clifford watching the show.
Lucky Duck 	Gee, Sparky, what kind of sandwich is that?
Sparky 	It's a dynamite sandwich. Try it, Lucky, it's a blast.
Lucky Duck 	(BOOM!) Ahh! My brain! That's a vital organ! (BOOM!) Aah! My spleen! That's a vital organ!
 	Artie and Marty laugh, while Clifford watches in shock.
Lucky Duck 	(BOOM!) Aah! My appendix! That's a vital organ!
Marty 	That, that's his catchphrase there.
Lucky Duck 	Remember, kids, violence isn't funny. So work out your differences by talking and stuff! (a missile blows his body away) Ahh! That's a vital organ!!…
Marty 	Oh, so, Clifford, what's your answer? Heh heh heh heh!
Clifford 	I think that is the most disgusting, depraved, irresponsible, and immoral excuse for a television program I've ever seen.
Marty 	Oh, so we got a deal then? Well, great! We'll see you on Monday!
Artie 	Monday!
Artie & Marty	(laughing)
==Dragonheart==
 	Everyone in the control room takes their places.
Nigel 	Okay, team, get ready to go to camera one - where's Clifford? WHERE'S CLIFFORD? HE'S MEANT TO INTRODUCE THE NEXT PIECE! GET HIM ONSTAGE NOW! I NEED CLIFFORD NOW!
Rizzo 	Whoa, Nigel, Nigel, relax.
Nigel 	What? What? What?
Rizzo 	Dennis Quaid's gonna do it.
Nigel 	(calms down) Oh. Oh, well, in that case, can somebody fetch me a double-decaf short, dry cappuccino? With a little twist?
Techie (KC) 	All we have is water.
Nigel 	That'll do.
 	Dennis takes the stage, standing next to a screen.
Dennis 	Welcome back to Muppets Tonight. I'm Dennis Quaid, and I'm pleased to introduce this next bit. It's a screen test that Kermit the Frog and I did for a movie that eventually became Dragonheart. Let's watch, shall we?
 	The clip is shown on the screen. The villagers approach the cave, shushing each other. They hear a roar from inside the cave and quickly back away from it.
Villager (BH)	Oh! Oh! If only some brave warrior would come and help us fight the evil dragon Froggo.
 	A fanfare plays; Dennis shows up in the Mel Gibson role.
Dennis 	I am sorry that I am late. There was a 5-horse pileup on ye olde interstate.
Villagers 	Oh, no! (muttering)
Dennis 	Where's the dreaded Froggo?
 	A roar and a blaze of fire come from the cave.
Villager (BH)	I'll take a stab at it. He's in the cave?
Dennis 	Thank you, Sir Sarcasm. (draws his sword) Froggo... your reign of terror is over. I, Sir Cumference of the Circle, shall fight you to the death!
Kermit 	(from inside the cave) Oh, get over thyself.
Villagers 	(shudder)
Dennis 	Hey... you don't sound like Sean Connery.
Kermit 	Yeah? You don't sound like Jerry Lee Lewis.
Villagers 	Oooooohh!
Dennis 	Oh, we're gettin' personal. Stand back, everyone.
 	Kermit trudges out.
Kermit 	Hi-ho! Froggo the dragon here.
Villagers 	Huh?
Kermit 	I am ready to face thee. Ah! Uh —
Villager (DG)	Cor! He's tiny. Why, he's not even as big as me boil.
Dennis 	You are not as intimidating as the script led me to believe.
Kermit 	Uh, yeah. Well, you see, that's because I should have come in in the foreground. I would have looked much bigger. I'll just do it again.
Villagers 	(muttering) … I know …
Villager (DG)	Well, this is highly irregular.
Dennis 	And I came all the way out here...
 	Kermit appears in the foreground, making the others look smaller.
Kermit 	Now I shall roast you alive with my fire-breathing abilities. Turn on the gas, Fred.
 	With the camera trickery, Kermit breathes fire on them.
Villager (DG)	Goodness, gracious! Me great boil's on fire!
Dennis 	Love that song cue! Two, three!
 	A piano suddenly appears in front of Dennis.
Dennis 	
♪ You shook the ground, and you rattled the cave!
♪ This dragon-slayin' makes a man feel brave!
♪ You belched a flame!
♪ Ain't that a shame?
♪ Goodness, gracious, great boil's afire!
 	They all start dancing.
Kermit 	Gee, I guess I was wrong. He does sound like Jerry Lee Lewis.
 	Back to Statler and Waldorf on the golf cart, still watching.
Statler 	You know, when I watch this show, I find myself counting the minutes until it's over.
Waldorf 	Really? How many are left?
Statler 	Fore!
 	A golf ball hits Waldorf.
Statler 	(laughs) I love that joke!
==Kermit and Gilbert==
 	Meanwhile, back at the restaurant, a waiter takes a picture of Kermit and Gilbert.
Gilbert	Hey, did you focus that? I don't think he focused that. If the picture's not clear, it can make you look kind of green. (laughs out loud)
Kermit 	(annoyed) Yeah.
Gilbert	Hey, know what I'm having for dinner?
Kermit 	What?
Gilbert	… FROGS' LEGS!! (laughs out loud) Huh? Wouldn't that be in horrible taste? Wouldn't that be horrible? I'm sitting here with you, and I'd be eating frogs' legs. Ha! It would be kind of like, having dinner with the Donner party. (laughs out loud) Ooh. Speaking of cadavers... have you ever seen my book of crime scene photographs?
Kermit 	I--no, no, not actually, uh, I haven't.
Gilbert	Oh, I carry it around as a conversation piece.
Kermit 	Oh, no, no, no.
 	He displays the book and continues eating, while Kermit cringes.
Gilbert	Here. It's called Isn't It Gross? It's old crime scene photographs. I'll show it to you while you eat. Here. Look at that. Oh. Is that--oh. He doesn't even look human anymore! … Oh! Look at that guy down there. Is that disgusting?
==Clifford's resolution==
 	A sad Clifford walks past Bobo in the lobby, watching TV and giggling. Bobo, noticing Clifford, quickly gets back into work mode.
Clifford 	Yo, Bobo. I'm back. Did you miss me?
Bobo 	(into walkie-talkie) Uh, Delta, Delta, niner, niner. Uh--uh, checkin' in sector 4 here.
Clifford 	Oh, man, knock it off. That's over with.
Bobo 	Roger that. (tosses the walkie-talkie)
Clifford 	How are things goin' on the show?
Bobo 	Oh, oh, oh. Well, Dennis Quaid is doin' great! Yeah, you know, you guys really ought to do this show together, you know? Uh, we could call it the, uh, The Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet Good Time Hour, Featuring Dennis Quaid! Ha ha. Huh?
Clifford 	Yeah. That's a good idea. (walks away)
Bobo 	Yeah, yeah. And then, uh... Geez, what's up his kilt? (answers the phone) Homicide. Detective Bobo.
Dennis 	(in the control room) Bobo, stop fooling around. Have you seen Clifford?
Bobo 	Oh, uh, well, he just went in the elevator and, uh, went up to the roof.
Dennis 	How come?
Bobo 	Uh--uh, I'm no licensed psychologist, but, uh, I would posit that he suffers from clinical depression, triggered by your hyperefficient performance of his duties.
Dennis 	Are you saying it's my fault?
Bobo 	Oh, hey, whoa, whoa, hey. What do I know? Ha ha! I'm a bear. I get my jollies from tippin' over garbage cans, huh? Heh heh.
 	Clifford makes it up to the roof, and walks past some pigeons.
Clifford 	(sigh)
Pigeon (SW) 	Whoa! That's a big sigh there, Clifford. What's got you so down?
Clifford 	Oh, it's a lot of things, man. The people I work with don't need me anymore. The other show I was offered was disgusting and depraved.
Pigeons 	(cooing)
Clifford 	Ehh. I guess the only place I belong now, is right here, on the roof.
 	Cue the track for “Up on the Roof”.
Pigeon (LCR)	Oh, no. Not that song again.
Pigeon (SW) 	Ugh. I wish, for once, somebody would come up here and sing “Born to be Wild”. Heh.
 	Clifford sings as the pigeons back him up. Rizzo enters on cue, at “rat-race noise”, joined by Gonzo, Pepe, Seymour and Bobo.
Rizzo 	Cliff-Clifford, what are you doin' up here singin', for cryin' out loud? We got a problem with the transmitter.
Clifford 	Why don't you ask Mr. Dennis I-can-do-anything Quaid to fix it?
Rizzo 	Oh, come on, Dennis Quaid can't fix the transmitter. He's just an actor.
Clifford 	Yeah, yeah.
Rizzo 	You're the only one who can get us up and running.
Others 	That's right. Yeah. Si.
Clifford 	Hmm. All right. Uh, does anyone have a number 2 wrench?
Rizzo 	Anybody?
Others 	No. No.
Clifford 	All right, then. We'll have to use a number one rat. Rizzo, c'mere.
Rizzo 	Wha— oh, no, not again.
Clifford 	Calm down, man.
Rizzo 	All right.
 	Clifford gets Rizzo into position.
Clifford 	Here we go. Now, bite down.
 	Rizzo bites down on the wires in order to connect them. Sparks fly.
Clifford 	There. There you go.
Gonzo 	Hey, it's working! Clifford fixed it!
Others 	Yeah! Yeah.
Rizzo 	(coughing) I'm gonna be tastin' bolt grease for a week.
 	The others laugh.
Pepe 	Uh, Clifford, Clifford. We're--we're sorry we ignored you and made such a big fuss over Dennis Quaid.
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Seymour 	Yeah. Yeah. We really care about YOU. (pokes him)
Others 	Yeah. Yeah.
Bobo 	Hey, don't you just love this guy? Group hug!
 	They all hug Clifford.
Clifford 	You know, I feel good! Good! Hey, gimme - gimme another problem to solve.
Rizzo 	Okay. Here's one for you. There's two minutes left to go on the show, and there's nobody onstage to say good night. Heh heh.
Clifford 	Consider it done.
 	The others cheer him on and follow him as he goes back inside.
Seymour 	Okay! There's the good old Clifford.
Rizzo 	Yeah.
Gonzo 	I wonder where Dennis went?
 	Rizzo shrugs. Meanwhile, in the hallway, Dennis is hounded by the Pipkin brothers.
Marty 	Uh, Dennis? Do - do you like Italian suits?
Artie 	High quality suits.
Dennis 	Look, I'm telling you one more time. I am not doing your stupid puppet show!
Artie 	“Stupid puppet show.”
 	Dennis walks away. Marty notices Bill the Bubble Guy and walks towards him.
Marty 	Hey, right here. Uh, excuse me. Excuse me. Yeah, you look like a banana bread kind of guy.
Bill 	Oh, well, actually I'm more of a bubble type of a guy. Lemme show you. (blows bubbles) Oh, look at that. A little family.
==Goodnights==
 	Clifford, Rizzo and Dennis stand on stage. Applause.
Clifford 	Hey, we'd like to thank our guest star, Mr. Dennis Quaid!
 	More applause. Rizzo cheers and Dennis waves.
Clifford 	The man who can do everything.
Dennis 	Oh, no, no, no. Hey... it was really great being here, Clifford. But, you know, I really can't do everything.
Rizzo 	Ahhh!
Clifford 	Oh, man. Mr. Modest.
Dennis 	No, no, no, I mean it, I mean it. Look. Half the things I did today?
Clifford 	Mm-hmm?
Dennis 	They were just lucky guesses. And the rest? Bluffs.
Rizzo 	Huh!
Auditor (BH) 	Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm from the IRS. Is there a, uh, Mr. Rizzo the Rat here?
Rizzo 	Y-yeah.
Auditor (BH) 	Ah! Mr. The Rat, I need to speak to you about your 120 dependents.
 	An awkward silence. Rizzo looks at Dennis, who laughs sheepishly.
Dennis 	Guess you didn't qualify after all, huh?
Rizzo 	You'll never take me alive!
 	Rizzo makes a break for it, chased by the auditor and two officers.
Auditor (BH) 	Officers?
Officers 	Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hey, wait. Hey, hold it, you!
Dennis 	You know what, Clifford? I think I need a break.
Clifford 	What are you gonna do?
Dennis 	Well, you know my friend Greg Hall? He's gonna give me some flying lessons.
Clifford 	Goodness, gracious! Greg Hall's a flyer?
 	The piano is rolled over to Dennis, who sits down.
Dennis 	One two three! (plays)
♪ You shake my nerves, and you rattle my brain!
♪ You flip my flaps when I'm flyin' a plane!
(suddenly stops playing) Wait, wait, wait.
Clifford 	What's wrong?
Dennis 	I can't do this.
Clifford 	What?
Dennis 	It's too much of a stretch. I mean, “Greg Hall's a flyer?” What am I thinking?
Clifford 	Dennis, take it from me. When you got somethin' that works, you gotta stick with it, man. (pause)
Dennis 	… Okay! (resumes)
Dennis & Clifford	
♪ You broke my will!
♪ But what a thrill!
♪ Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!
 	The Muppets take the stage and dance.
==Epilogue==
 	Gilbert and Kermit are back home.
Gilbert	Oh, Kermit! I can't tell you what a wonderful time I had! Well, actually, I can tell you. Here, listen: Kermit, what a wonderful time I had! Huh?
Kermit 	Well, I--I have to be going now. Uh--uh, thank you. (reels back) Whoa. Uh... Gee, my — my feet are stuck.
Gilbert	Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I really should have told you that. You know how, in front of the Chinese Theater, they have the movie stars' feet in cement? Well, they don't have their feet in cement…
Kermit 	No? Well, what's your point?
Gilbert	… in front of the Chinese Theater. Well, I put cement here so I could have your footprints.
Kermit 	W-what?
Gilbert	Yeah - yeah. Don't worry about it. I'm stuck here, too! (angle on his feet)
Kermit 	What?
Gilbert	We'll eventually either be rescued, or we'll starve to death. Hey, you know, just to kill the time, what do you say we sing a little song? You know “Funiculi Funicula”? The clean version. ♪ Some people say the world is full of fun and frolic…
 	An accordionist backs him up.
Kermit 	Taxi! Taxi! Help! … Somebody help me!
Gilbert	♪ And so do I! And so do I! Come on! Sing it, frog!
 	Fade out. The credits roll, and outtakes are shown of Seymour and the squid, and Clifford and Zippity Zap.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts