Scatman's World (Or, More Specifically, His Elevator)

"Scatman's World (Or, More Specifically, His Elevator)", or simply "Scatman's Elevator", is the fourth episode of SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD. Written by AllisonLoaded, the episode was first aired on August 30, 2022 on Edgemo.
===Synopsis===
Squilliam, Scatman John and Kelpy G are stuck in a broken elevator.
===Transcript===
[The episode begins with a shot of the inside of the elevator. The door opens, and in steps Squilliam Fancyson, who presses a button and the doors shut once again.]
Squilliam: Well, Squilliam, you really outdid yourself this time. As soon as I get this album to the record label, I will be swimming with even MORE cash than I was before!
[Text flashes on screen saying “SQUILLIAM”, before vanishing as Squilliam looks at the elevator buttons.] 
Squilliam: Uh… Now which floor has the person I’m supposed to speak with? [scratches head] I’ll just press floor 26. 
[Squilliam presses the 26 button and the elevator begins rising. It eventually stops and in steps Kelpy G, holding a blunt with noticeably red eyes.]
Kelpy: What’s shakin’, bro?
Squilliam: Oh my Neptune… Are you Kelpy G?
Kelpy: Yessir, my bro. [laughs as he smokes]
[Text flashes on screen saying “KELPY G” and vanishes.]
Squilliam: Kelpy, I am a big fan of yours! I have literally all your albums on record!
Kelpy: Groovy, dude! I always love meetin’ my fans. [laughs more]
Squilliam: I even forgave you when you Tweeted at a black guy a racial slur!
Kelpy: Yeah, uh, I don’t want to get into that, G.
Squilliam: So why are you in this elevator?
Kelpy: I gots to talk wit’ my record label, dawg. Contractual shit, y’know? 
Squilliam: Totally, dude.
Kelpy: And what are you in here for?
Squilliam: I’m gonna show the record label the album I just got done! Wanna see?
Kelpy: Sure, dawg.
Squilliam: Here!
[Squilliam shows Kelpy the album, and Kelpy winces.]
Squilliam: Well? Do you like the cover?
Kelpy: Uh…. yeah. Yeah, I uh… yeah.
[The elevator stops again, and in steps Scatman John.]
Kelpy: Hello there, dawg.
[The Scatman starts speaking in incomprehensible gibberish faster than any of them can comprehend. Text flashes on screen saying “SCATMAN JOHN”, and vanishes.]
Squilliam: Uh, are you a music artist too?
[The Scatman starts speaking gibberish.]
Squilliam: Uh… I’ll take that as a yes. Wanna see the album I’m gonna pitch?
[Squilliam shows the Scatman the album, and he starts screaming in fear.]
Squilliam: Jesus, if you don’t like it, just say so, you fucking asshole.
[We cut to a minimal black and white titlecard that reads “”, with smaller text below it saying “or, more specifically, his elevator”, then cut back to the elevator.]
Kelpy: Mellow out, dawg! Why not take one of my smokes?
Squilliam: Sorry, I don’t smoke anything unless it’s cocaine or meth. [stares blankly at the camera] I am rich, so I can afford these high-class items.
[There is an uncomfortable pause on Squilliam’s face as Kelpy shoves a cigarette in Squilliam’s mouth.]
Kelpy: Try it out, G!
Squilliam: [coughing uncontrollably] What the FUCK is wrong with you? You don’t just shove a cigarette into someone’s– 
[Suddenly, Squilliam’s eyes turn red as he slowly sits on the floor.]
Squilliam: Oh, man, that’s good shit.
Kelpy: Told ya, my bro. You want one too, gibberish man?
[The Scatman begins speaking angry gibberish until Kelpy shoves a cigarette in his mouth. Eventually, his gibberish slows down.]
Kelpy: How is it?
Scatman: [coughs and starts talking slowly] It’s good shit, dawg…
Squilliam: Whoa… did he just… like… speak normal?
Scatman: I’m just so mellow’d out by this… this… what is this, anyways?
Kelpy: Weed.
Scatman: Yeah, that…
[They all sit on the floor breathing sighs of relief, not saying a word for a little bit.]
Kelpy: [coughs heavily] How long is this elevator gonna take, yo?
Squilliam: I… I dunno, dawg… gangsta… what do you think, weird human?
[They glance at the Scatman who is dead on the floor, with his face completely blue.]
Kelpy: Heh… must’ve been strong shit.
Squilliam: Dude, I think he might actually be dead…
Kelpy: So what’s it matter?
Squilliam: Dude, your weed fucking killed a man.
Kelpy: [coughs] Their problem, not mine, dawg. [laughs]
Squilliam: Dude, this isn’t funny, your weed fucking killed this man.
Kelpy: I guess they couldn’t handle the spice o’ life.
Squilliam: What the actual fuck is wrong with you?
Kelpy: Yo, chill out my man. I thought you was my biggest fan.
Squilliam: I am, but you gave this poor man WEED that fucking ENDED HIS LIFE. 
Kelpy: Not my problemo, yo. [takes a puff]
Squilliam: Kelpy, you fucking KILLED A MAN WITH YOUR WEED.
Kelpy: Sizzle down. Sounds like you need more weed.
Squilliam: No, get that shit away from me. I don’t want to die.
Kelpy: Come on, just one more huff. 
Squilliam: NO! Get that shit out of my face!
[Kelpy G approaches Squilliam with his weed.]
Kelpy: Try it, broseph! 
Squilliam: NO!
[Squilliam struggles with the weed until he bats it out Kelpy’s hand, sending it flying into his right eye. Kelpy is unphased.]
Squilliam: OH SHIT, I’M SO FUCKING SORRY, OH MY GOD! [pause] Uh, doesn’t that… doesn’t that hurt?
Kelpy: [blankly] Excruciatingly.
Squilliam: So why aren’t you… uh… screaming?
Kelpy: Because… I…
Squilliam: You’re what?
Kelpy: I’m having a gnarly-ass stroke, dawg.
Squilliam: A WHAT?!
[Kelpy falls backwards, with a stoner smile on his face. Squilliam stares at the two bodies now in the elevator when the door opens up.]
Squilliam: OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT? IT’S AT MY FLOOR. WELL, WAS FUN SEEING YOU TWO BUT I GOT TO GO.
[Squilliam runs out the door as fast as he can. Kelpy slowly turns his head and reaches for a cigarette after Squilliam leaves, smokes it, then has a nasty coughing fit.]
Kelpy: [slowly laughing] Gnarly…
[Kelpy passes out. We fade to Squilliam sitting at a desk with the across from him.]
Squilliam: So, uh… are you interested in signing me on? 
Producer: Squilliam, I have some bad news.
Squilliam: Uh, yeah? What is it?
Producer: We hate this album. We despise this stupid fucking album.
Squilliam: Oh. But… what about the cover?
[Zoom in on the album cover, which contains bright yellow text reading “SQUILLIAM SEXYSON” at the top, with a very homoerotic image on the front of a half-naked Squilliam with a very noticeable bulge in his boxers.]
Producer: Three of our workers died looking at this cover.
Squilliam: Oh come on, that’s– 
Producer: No, I’m not even joking. Three of our men stared at this cover and suffered fatal strokes and heart attacks.
Squilliam: [looking defeated] Oh… well… 
[Squilliam pauses before suddenly holding up a large wad of cash.]
Squilliam: I will pay you a million dollars to sign me!
Producer: [ecstatically shaking Squilliam’s hand] Alright, we have a deal. 
Squilliam: I’m sure this album will FLY off the– 
[The episode cuts suddenly to Squilliam sitting in a cardboard box in front of his mansion, with a big “FOR SALE” sign on the front. Squilliam lets out an audible “Fuck…” before the episode cuts to black.]
Category:SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD
Category:2022
Category:2022 Episodes
Category:2022 Transcripts
Category:Episodes written by AllisonLoaded
Category:Locknloaded23
Category:2020s
Category:Weed