Bumper Stickers

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes. 
I started out with nothing..I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?
Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few....
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 
Category:Language Humor