The Big Cook-Off Remade

"The Big Cook-Off Remade", also known as "Weed Episode", is the sixth episode of the first season of Leader Plankton! Remade, and the sixth episode overall.
== Plot ==
Marijuana is legalised in Bikini Bottom, which Mr. Krabs takes issue with.
== Transcript ==
(Episode begins with Krabs in his house, watching TV with a beer in hand, when Pearl walks in)
Pearl: Daddy, can I go to the mall?
Krabs: Not now, Pearl. I'm watching the news.
Pearl: But dad, the news is boring! 
Krabs: Pearl, I said not now! Either watch the news quietly with me, hand me another beer, or get out of here!
Pearl: Daddy, I thought you were gonna stop drinking!
Krabs: I'll quit tomorrow! Now shut up!
Pearl: Daddy, you fat worthless sack of shit!
Krabs: Wait, shut up! It's starting!
(The TV shows a presidential rally wherein Snoop Dogg - but specifically Snoop Dogg from Sanjay & Craig - is alerting his supporters of a new law that has just been passed)
Snoop Dogg: Snoop D-O-Double Jizzle in the presidizzle hizzle, here to say that just in time for 4/20, marijuana use has been legalized for personal use!
(The crowd cheers)
Fred Rechid: Hey, I thought the special day today was Hitler’s birthday.
Snoop Dogg: That too, G!
(Snoop Dogg unveils a statue of Adolf Hitler heiling, and the crowd boos; Snoop Dogg begins shouting German; back at Krabs' place, Krabs watches in astonishment)
Krabs: WHAT THE FUCK?????? (Punches TV so hard it explodes into a million pieces)
Pearl: Daddy, why are you so upset about this?
Krabs: WEED IS THE DEVIL'S LETTUCE, PEARL, AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT IN MY HOUSEHOLD. Crack, fine, LSD, so be it, heroin, sure whatever, BUT NOT WEED! NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!
(Pearl lights up a spliff)
Pearl: Okay, boomer.
(An obnoxious laugh track plays lasting way too long and drowning out Krabs’ yelling, whilst Pearl starts to smoke weed)
Krabs: WHERE. DID. YOU. GET. THAT.
Pearl: My friend hooks me up! 
Krabs: (Knocking weed out of Pearl's hands) WEED IS FOR HIPPIE FUCKING LIBERALS!  Now, what “friend” gave you this?
Pearl: Squidward!
Krabs: WHY THE FUCK IS MR. SQUIDWARD FRIENDS WITH MY DAUGHTER?!
Pearl: Jeez, dad, it's no big deal!
Krabs: (loads gun) I will be right back!
(Krabs hurries out the door; Pearl just shrugs and starts smoking again)
(Cut to Squidward's house; Squidward is in his clarinet room, playing his bong like a clarinet)
Squidward: (Visibly high) I feel like… I'm flying or something…
(Zoom out to show that Squidward is actually flying, before he hears a knock on the door)
Squidward: THE FEDS. Damn, I gotta hide this weed… but how?
(He swiftly runs to the window to dump his weed out, and shoves the rest up his ass, but in doing so realising that it’s just Mr. Krabs)
Squidward: Phew! Thank God.
(He goes downstairs and opens the door to Mr. Krabs)
Squidward: Wassup, Mistah K? (Laughs loudly for an uncomfortable amount of time)
(Mr. Krabs has a fucking gun)
Krabs: I AM NOT AFRAID TO SHOOT!
Squidward: Shoot who? (Laughs loudly for an uncomfortable amount of time)
Krabs: You, Mr. Squidward.
Squidward: Will ya shoot me anotha smoke, brotha? (Laughs loudly again as he coughs and smokes more weed)
Mr. Krabs: Oh, gimme that!
(Krabs snatches the weed off of Squidward and throws it onto the ground)
Squidward: Hey, Mistah K, you’re supposed to smoke it, not recycle it, my brotha… (Laughs loudly before Krabs interrupts him by putting his gun to his nose)
Krabs: Laugh one more time and you’ll have one less tentacle.
Squidward: It's fine, G, I gots me 2. One to smoke the weed, and anotha to puff it! 
(Squidward laughs some more but Krabs shoots off his left arm)
Squidward: …Hey G, couldja light this spliff for me? I seem to have lost my left arm. Good thing I still gots my middle arm! (Stares down at his pants and laughs)
Krabs: God damn it, Squidward! There’s gotta be somethin’ good in these if you’re not gonna flinch when you’ve got a barrel down your nose!
Squidward: Wanna try some, Mistah K? Mellow out fo' a change. Kelpy G's concert is in 3 minutes. (Laughs uncomfortably long again as he imitates the sounds Kelpy G's clarinet makes)
Krabs: (Growls angrily) Fine… what harm can it do?
(Time card: “Three joints later…”)
(Krabs and Squidward are sitting in Squidward’s house smoking more weed than an abandoned flowerbed with pink eyes, listening to Kelpy G’s smooth jazz concert over the radio)
Krabs: Whoooo, I’m seein’ shapes, Mr. Squidward! 
Squidward: Hold on a minute, Mistah K, this is my favorite part!
(Kelpy's clarinet solo plays as Squidward and Krabs both stare at eachother, laughing like Beavis and Butthead)
Krabs: God, I haven’t felt this close to someone since Pearl’s mother passed.
Squidward: Have I have ever told you, Mistah K, that you got some really big meaty claws?
Krabs: Oh, I get that all the time. But it means more from you, scrunkly.
(Squidward laughs intimately as Mr. Krabs starts to caress his tentacles and lays down on Squidward)
Squidward: Oh, Krabs… for such a hard shell you’ve got a soft touch.
Krabs: That’s what the ladies tell me… and the fellas!
(They start laughing before Krabs starts coughing intensely)
Squidward: You okay, Mistah K?
(Krabs starts shaking his lips, pretty much having a stroke)
Squidward: (laughs) strong stuff, aint it? Another one of my gay partners having a blast when I give ‘em some weed…
(Krabs is literally having a heart attack and Squidward starts doing interpretive dances in his room, singing to the tune of Kelpy G’s clarinet solo while Krabs begins foaming at the mouth)
Squidward: Come on, dance with me, Mistah K!
(Squidward picks up Krabs and he flops onto the floor)
Squidward: Sumn might be wrong… usually my weedbros always be wantin' to dance wit me… 
(Squidward stares at Krabs, who is coughing blood)
Squidward: If he doesn’t wanna dance… brotha must need medical help.
(Squidward gets his cell phone out and calls the ambulance)
Squidward: (coughs loudly over the phone) Bro… an emergency bro…
(A nurse is on the other line)
Nurse: What’s the emergency, sir?
Squidward: Mistah K ain’t wanna dance.
Nurse: That… that is not an emergency, sir.
Squidward: Nah, brotha… If he don’t be wantin' to dance off the weed, he must be havin’ some kind of heart attack. Ain’t that right, Krabs?
(Krabs vomited up an entire breakfast)
Squidward: Oh, das right, he’s vomiting right now.
Nurse: We’ll… send someone right your way. You live in the massive tiki house that reeks of marijuana, right?
Squidward: Well, how didja knowzat…?
Nurse: The SWAT Team are already there.
Squidward: Well, Krabs… I guess we’ll find some use of that gun after all.
(Squidward points Krabs’ gun to his head and cocks the trigger before it cuts to Krabs at the hospital being treated by nurses; his emergency operation seems finished as he is just resting with Pearlby his bedside)
Krabs: Oh, Pearl… (clenching Pearl’s hand) I shouldn’t have gone so harsh on you with the weed stuff…
Pearl: Oh, it’s fine Daddy… (lights up a blunt) I'd be mad at you, but these joints are just too good…
(Krabs laughs but he starts to inhale the fumes and his vision becomes blurrier)
Nurse: How does a crab even overdose on weed anyway? This is the first time anyone has overdosed on weed, what the fuck?
Doctor: Beats me! (lights up a blunt) Ahhh… now why dontcha… get in the kitchen and make me an omelette… (smokes again) hoe… (He gets kicked in the balls)
(Krabs moans and groans, with the marijuana fumes getting into his eye sockets as he hears a holy voice from the heavens giving him advice)
Angelic Voice: Krabs…
Krabs: Mr. Obama…. Is that you again?
Angelic Voice: I’m not Obama, Eugene! Regardless, I think Former President Obama would tell you the same thing: it wasn’t wise of you to criticise your daughter for being impressionable when you yourself fell into the same trap. We’re all human.
Krabs: But we're fish.
Angelic Voice: Oh, shut the fuck up.
(Zoom out to show the entire room, which includes a crab, whale and three fish, while Nazis march outside)
Angelic Voice: Now, Pearl, I hope you understand that doing drugs is not cool or "gangsta g"! You’ll end up like your old man Krabs if you continue smoking the devil’s lettuce. Or even worse, Squidward!
(Cut to show Squidward dead in his house, with multiple bullet holes in his head, while Kelpy G plays in the background)
(Cut back to the hospital)
Angelic Voice: This is your brain.
(An egg levitates into the hospital)
Angelic Voice: This is drugs.
(A bomb appears next to the egg)
Angelic Voice: And this is your brain on drugs.
(The egg and the bomb collide to cause an explosion)
Krabs: (coughing) Hey, I get that reference!
Pearl: Wow… I’d never thought about it like that before. You’re right, Obama! I will never do drugs again.
(A cigarette floats into the hospital from above)
Angelic Voice: Okay, that’s cool, but have you got a lighter? I REALLY need a cigarette right now.
(Everyone in the room heartedly laughs as the episode fades to black)
Angelic Voice: I mean it. I NEED to smoke.
[end]
== Trivia ==
* This episode actually has jack shit to do with Leader Plankton!
Category:Leader Plankton! Remade
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