The Napoleonic Wars/Transcript

== Part 1 ==
=== Introduction ===
OverSimplified: This video was made possible by NordVPN. Stay safe online by clicking the link below and get a huge discount off a two-year plan with a risk-free 30-day money-back guarantee. Also, why not grab yourself a character pin of the little corporal himself before they sell out? And big shout out to the patrons. Head on over to learn about benefits such as Discord access and maybe even a little behind-the-scenes content.
Doctor: Okay, Mrs. Bonaparte, this is it. One last push and we're done.
*Letizia Bonaparte gives birth to Napoleon*
Doctor: Congratulations! It's a general. *rumbling noises* Oh, and here comes the rest of the army now.
Letizia Bonaparte: Uh, did you just say the rest of the ar—
*fanfare music*
OverSimplified: History is full of great conquerors, many with very impressive origin stories. For example, Alexander the Great was the son of a king. Julius Caesar came from an aristocratic family that descended from a goddess. Great conquerors don't usually come from relatively insignificant families living on impoverished islands, but as it just so happens, that is where our story begins. *ding*
=== Early Career of Napoleon ===
OverSimplified: In the early 18th century, the island of Corsica was a part of the Republic of Genoa until one day Corsica said,
Corsica: Hey. We're declaring independence and it's probably not worth your time to try and stop us.
OverSimplified: So Genoa said,
Genoa: You're right, it isn't worth our time. Hey France, you want to buy this island?
OverSimplified: And France said,
France: Sure thing. *conquers Corsica*
OverSimplified: And thus, Corsica became France just in time for Napoleon to be born French. Many Corsicans didn't appreciate their new conquers, however. And from an early age, Napoleon developed some fairly anti-French sentiments. Napoleon's dad, however, quickly embraced his new French overlords, which created some tension between dad and son.
Napoleon: *mimicking dad* OoOoOoOo! Look at me! I'm Dad! I wear powdered wigs and silver-buckled shoes, and I'M A TRAITOR TO THE CORSICAN PEOPLE!
Napoleon's Dad: *angrily* Go to your room, Napoleon!
Napoleon: No, YOU go to your room, Dad!
(silence)
Napoleon's Dad: *crying* Okay.
OverSimplified: On the other hand, Napoleon adored his mother, who was definitely the disciplinarian of the family. And even though she would punish Napoleon severely, he kind of respected that. But Napoleon's parents wanted the best for their family. And since they were a very minor nobility, they were able to have Napoleon sent off to the shining lights and rat-infested sewage puddles of the big city. Napoleon went to military school in France.
Teacher: Okay, Napoleon. Why don't you introduce yourself to your new classmates?
Napoleon: Well, I'm Napoleon and I hate all of you. Your farts smell like cheese, you can't pronounce the letter "R," all you do is go on strike, and you call eggs "OEUFS" like a bunch of big dumb, idiot, dingleberries.
Teacher: Uhhh... OK! Uh, thanks, Napoleon. I hope you like being bullied.
OverSimplified: And bullied he was. They picked on him for his Corsican accent, his family's lack of wealth, and it probably didn't help that he also had a bit of a chip on his shoulder, but he could hold his own. And on an average day, might be found dishing out ratatouille sandwiches for breakfast. He spent much of his time alone, and he loved reading about the great conquerors of history. He learned about Julius Caesar, and he wondered if one day, he too might have a pizza franchise named after him.
*funky music* (BOOMER HUMOR CERTIFIED)
OverSimplified: He excelled at math and geography, and when he graduated at the age of 16, he was made Second Lieutenant in an artillery regiment. Now, Second Lieutenant might sound pretty sweet to a screw up like you, but Napoleon had a little something called ambition, stonks of it. And he wasn't content being just some junior officer. He wanted to rise the ranks. Unfortunately for him, that would be a little difficult.
Officer: Well, Napoleon, I've reviewed your application, it's clear you're very skilled and would be a PERFECT fit for the promotion... And Simeon... you're just about the biggest idiot I've ever seen. Your test results suggest you have the mental aptitude of a senile earthworm, and in the part of the form where you list your experience, you seem to have drawn a picture of a gerbil giving birth to a shoe, but your dad IS the Marquis de la Foofayette, so, you get the job.
*Simeon screams in joy*
OverSimplified: French society was just too closed off. Positions were handed out based on nobility, not talent. And the young Napoleon probably felt stuck. Wouldn't it be nice if, say, a revolution came along, and changed all of that? Well, what are the chances? The French Revolution is here. Bastille toppling, head-chopping, king popping. The revolution promised to do away with the old social hierarchy and make everyone a little more equal. Napoleon may not have cared much for the violent mobs, but if it meant he could rise the ranks, he was in.
He began fighting to defend the revolution. He put down a British-sponsored counter-revolution into Toulon and got promoted. He put down a royalist uprising in Paris and got promoted. And as his military prowess became more recognized, he was even given his very own army. It was astonishing progress for such a young man of humble origins and Napoleon's wildest dreams were coming true.
But Napoleon also believed he could increase his social status if he married an older rich lady. And so around this time, Napoleon went on the prowl. However, if some sources are to be believed, he was a verified creep. He reportedly had terrible luck with women, and most wanted nothing to do with him. Fortunately, he eventually met Josephine, an aging single mother who was deeply in debt and needed stability. So she agreed to marry him, despite finding him intensely disgusting. Napoleon, you dirty dog, you've done it. Unbeknownst to Napoleon, however, Josephine had a bit of a promiscuous reputation.
Someone: Hey Napoleon, I hear you're marrying Josephine! Boy, she sure is a great kisser!
Someone else: That's right!
Napoleon: Hey, wait... What do you mean she's a great kisser?
Someone: Hey, Hugo! You hear Napoleon's marrying Josephine?
Hugo: Wow! She sure is a great kisser!
Napoleon: Now hang on just a minute...
Someone: HEY EVERYONE! Napoleon's marrying Josephine!
*the crowd talks over each other*
Napoleon: Oh for goodness sake! Is there anyone here who hasn't kissed my wife??
Another person: Yeah... you!
*the crowd laughs*
OverSimplified: As Napoleon fell madly in love with his new wife, she fell madly in love with a man named Hippolyte. It wouldn't be long, however, before Napoleon would leave home and go to war because while France was having its revolution, tensions in Europe were rising.
France: Hey, Austria! You'll never guess what we just did.
Austria: What's that, France?
France: I got 2 words for ya: REVO. LUTION! We totally just socked it to our monarchy!
Austria: ...Wwwwhat?!? Dude! the rest of us are monarchies! You've just totally threatened the balance of power in Europe. Now we have to worry about our stinky peasants rising up against us! I mean, holy hell, your queen is... Austrian...
France's brain: OK, France. This is pretty awkward. And the rest of Europe is probably itching to give you a wedgie! But you're not ready for a war yet. So you've gotta be cool, man. It's absolutely crucial that you say something to diffuse the situation right now.
Austria: ...preposterous!
(silence)
France: I declare war.
France's brain: SACRE BLEUUUUU!!!!
OverSimplified: So France ended up at war with basically the rest of Europe, and the War of the First Coalition began.
=== The French Revolutionary Wars ===
OverSimplified: At first, France struggled, but then they started to do surprisingly well. And in many conquered territories, they began to establish "sister republics," exporting their revolutionary ideas across Europe. In 1796, they planned a three-pronged attack to take Vienna and knock Austria out of the war with two magnificent armies in the north to kick ass, and Napoleon in the south, as a bit of a diversion. For the first time, Napoleon would lead a military campaign. This was his chance to prove himself, to be somebody, and what a general he proved to be. The army he was given were demoralized, lacking equipment, and underpaid, but Napoleon galvanized them with inspirational speeches, and he took them into Italy.
He was outnumbered, and his campaign was partially meant to be a sideshow, but he made it the main show. While the two northern armies were being held back, Napoleon made staggering progress. In a signature Napoleon move, he masterfully split his enemies into two and took them on separately, knocking Sardinia out of the war, and putting the Austrians on the run. At the famous Battle of Lodi, he was in the fray, aiming the canons himself, getting covered in mud, and earning the total respect of his men. They respected him so much, that when he ordered an almost suicidal assault on the only bridge in town, his men threw themselves at it and took it despite fierce Austrian resistance. For Napoleon, it was all he needed to confirm that he was the greatest human who had ever existed.
Someone: Wow, Napoleon. You're pretty great at this military stuff. Just be careful your head doesn't get too big.
Napoleon, with a big head: *quickly* What did you just say to me, you little prick?
OverSimplified: And as Napoleon swept through northern Italy, the Italians cheered his arrival.
(Cheering)
Napoleon: Yes! I'm here to liberate you from your cruel Austrian oppressors.
(Cheering)
Napoleon: And replace them with French ones!
(Crowd is sad)
OverSimplified: Napoleon plundered as he went, sending riches back to France to help its economy, but also paying his men the first real money that's seen in years. The Pope had been supporting the Austrians, so Napoleon briefly went to go give him a slap. And as he began to approach Vienna, the exhausted Austrians were forced to make peace, with Napoleon overseeing negotiations himself. He had just single-handedly knocked Austria out of the war. And by the way, he was only 28. So maybe it's about time you moved out of your dad's attic. In the Italian territories he had conquered, Napoleon established new French sister republics, even writing constitutions, and organizing governments himself. Not something a general generally does. When he got back to France, he was hailed as a hero, and the extremely unpopular government were concerned he might get some power-hungry ideas. So they agreed he should go far away from France, to Egypt, where he could maybe undermine British access to India. Napoleon was eager to win more glory, so he brought with him a team of scholars, and he was like,
Napoleon: Whoa, it's a freaky man cat. Whoa, it's a big stick. Whoa, it's an ugly horse.
A camel: Whoa, it's a stumpy little manlet.
Napoleon: Hey, I'm actually average height for the time! *crying*
OverSimplified: But then British Admiral Nelson came down and wrecked his fleet, and an Anglo-Ottoman force defeated him at Acre, so Napoleon abandoned his men and went back to France. His campaign in Egypt hadn't gone quite as planned, but one thing you should know about Napoleon was that he was a skilled propagandist. He published his own newspapers that sometimes exaggerated his achievements and even commissioned paintings that generally made him look cool.
Courrier De l'Egypte (the newspaper): NAPOLEON MAKES EGYPT CRY FOR ITS MUMMY | WHAT MILITARY DEFEATS? Napoleon Bonaparte, who is just an all around mega-fresh dude, landed in Egypt last July, and embarked on an adventure for the ages! He uncovered hidden mysteryies from the ancient world, such as a freaky cat-man, a big stick, and an ugly horse. Experts say his expedition has left them conforting with joy! Some of the locals tried to oppose the French presence, but Napoleon ruthlessly crushed these savage brutes and/or won them over with gentle compassionate love, whichever narrative you prefer. What's that you say? You heard this hostile desert ravaged his army, British Admiral Nelson caught him with his pants down, and the Ottomans gave him what for? Who told you that?! The next time they have the gusto to spew such venemous falsehoods, here's what I want you to do.I want you to go put on the tightest, hot pink, spandex onesie you can find, apply grease to your Hurculean limbs, look that sucker dead in the eyes and yell, "I'm too hot to handle and too cold to hold! I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour! Hulkmania is like a single grain of sand in the Sahara desert that is Macho Madness! I'm the Macho Man Randy Savage and I'm the World Wrestling Federation Champion!" THen piledrive that chump straight into the pavement and finish him off with your signature flying elbow drop. continues on page 12... | ABOUT THE AUTHOR | STEVE | Reputable journalist with 8 years of experience and definitely not just Napoleon wearing a fake mustache.
OverSimplified: So when he returned to Paris, he was, yet again, hailed as a hero, and he began to get some power-hungry ideas. First, however, he had a bit of a problem to deal with. See, he had learned something shocking about his dear wife.
Napoleon: Really Josephine, this guy? I'm just as tall as him.
Joséphine De Beauharnais: I'm sorry. I swear, now that you're becoming famous, I'll never do it again.
Napoleon: Make sure you don't. I've never stooped so low as to cheat on you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be in this room, consulting my generals for the next 30 minutes. And by consulting, I mean boinking, by my generals, I mean this woman, and by 30 minutes... well, I mean two seconds.
OverSimplified: Having dealt with his wife, Napoleon was then approached by a very influential politician, who said he had an idea. He wanted to stage a coup against the deeply unpopular government and needed the extremely popular Napoleon's help, and Napoleon thought that was just the darn tootin'est idea. The plan was to trap the government and convince them to voluntarily give up their power, and here's how they did it.
Emmanuel Joseph Sieyes: Hey guys, oh my gosh, quick! There's a dangerous Jacobin plot to overthrow you, which we definitely aren't just making up. Better get inside this cage so we can protect you.
Unnamed person: Okay.
*Sieyes then locks them in the cage*
Emmanuel Joseph Sieyes: Gentlemen, we got them.
(cheers)
OverSimplified: In this case, the cage was an isolated palace outside of Paris, with no one around but Napoleon and his army. With the government inside, Napoleon then entered, and a pretty chaotic event ensued, during which the government didn't seem entirely sure what was going on, Napoleon's men didn't seem entirely sure what was going on, and Napoleon himself didn't seem entirely sure what was going on. But thankfully, Napoleon's brother Lucien, President of the Lower House, managed to regain control, and the remaining councilmen were intimidated into creating a new constitution. And thus, a new government was formed, this time, with three Consuls in charge, but after Napoleon did some rewriting, in the end, there was really only one man in charge, the First Consul, him. And over the next few years, he worked to consolidate even more power and essentially became a dictator in total control of France, who, by the way, he was only 30. So maybe it's about time you washed your disgusting bedsheets. France was now ruled by possibly the greatest military leader of the time. Possibly the greatest, or definitely? Well, now is his chance to prove it. See, back when Napoleon was still in Egypt, being Indiana Jones, back home, France was in France being France. They had conquered even more territory and they were like,
France: Hey, Piedmont, you get revolutionary ideals. Hey, Switzerland, you get revolutionary ideals. And Rome, you get revolutionary ideals. Everybody gets revolutionary id---
(The Coalition shows up)
France: Oh, hey guys. Nice sledgehammers, and Naples, very cool nail gun. You guys here to get some revolutionary ideals?
(The Coalition attacks France)
France: *screams* Sacre bleu!-
OverSimplified: As France was still spreading the revolution, and with Napoleon busy in Egypt, the European powers felt the time was right for round two, and the War of the Second Coalition began. And this time, their big, bad boy buddy Russia was here to bang some French boys back to Bordeaux. And bang them they did; France got blasted, but then Russia pulled out after stalling in Switzerland, and now that Napoleon was in charge of the country, he was ready to start blasting right back. He took command of the Army of the Reserve, and he brought the fight to the Austrians.
Now, there are many traits that made Napoleon a great military leader. I already mentioned one of them: how he was one of the boys and commanded the total loyalty of his men. But now, we see a second reason: the element of surprise. In 1800, Napoleon moved to Geneva, and it looked like he was probably going to take on the Austrian forces in Germany. There's no way he'd be crazy enough to move his entire army south through the Alps as a surprise attack on the Austrians besieging Genoa. Oh, Napoleon's moving his entire army south through the Alps as a surprise attack on the Austrians besieging Genoa. Napoleon's crossing of the Alps is legendary, and you may have seen one of the most famous paintings of the general popping a sick wheelie on his majestic stallion, surrounded by dangerous mountain terrain. Of course, in real life, he made the crossing on a depressed mule, but that's not as cool. When he emerged in Italy, the Austrians expected him to come break their siege, but Napoleon went for their supply line near Milan, forcing the Austrians to meet Napoleon head-on at the famous Battle of Marengo. The Austrians initially clobbered the out-numbered French, and they were like,
Austrians: Hooray! We won!
OverSimplified: But then a few hours later, Napoleon showed up again with an even bigger army and he clobbered them right back.
An Austrian: Holy cow, this tiny little fun-sized French guy is running rings around us.
Napoleon: Hey, I'm average height for the time, YOU JERK!
OverSimplified: Then, after General Moreau's victory at Hohenlinden, Vienna was exposed and the Austrians again sued for peace. Just like the war of the First Coalition, the Second Coalition ended in another French victory, but in many ways, they both felt more like Napoleon victories. Only the UK remained at war with Napoleon, and they were using their powerful Navy to blockade French ports and were even seizing the cargoes of neutral ships. Obviously, everyone else got pretty pissed off that the British were interfering with their trade, so in response, they formed a league and they embargoed the UK right back.
A British person: Neutral countries protecting their own interests? That's offensive.
OverSimplified: So Britain went to Copenhagen and blew a bunch of stuff up, and the league disbanded, but because UK's economy was pretty bust, they decided to sign a treaty with France in 1802. For the first time in a long time, Europe was at peace.
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Now, where were we? Oh yeah. Crossing the Alps, defeating the Austrians, and Europe at peace.
=== Napoleon becoming Emperor ===
OverSimplified: What a meteoric rise it had been for the young Corsican. He had just taken charge of a nation that appeared to be losing a war and turned it all around, securing French gains in Europe, but there was now a big question. You see, throughout the chaotic French Revolution, French governments had struggled to keep the economy afloat. They often didn't have a whole lot of support, and they frequently came and went. Would Napoleon finally be the man who could stick around? Military victories were one thing, but could the general also govern? Spoiler alert, yes. The economy's crumbling? Well then, why don't you have yourself a new national bank, currency reform, and improve taxation and welfare systems? The legal system is an incoherent mess? Well then, why don't we nicely wrap all those civil laws up into one new centralized legal code? Corrupt government officials? Throw them in the trash. Bad infrastructure? Throw it in the trash. Women's rights? Throw them in the trash. Wait, really? Well, yeah. Unfortunately, while Napoleon was building on the equality of the revolution, he also largely scaled back rights for certain groups, and husbands had full legal control over their wives. But come on ladies, maybe let men have a slice of the pie for once, okay? Napoleon further reformed education, ensuring a system based on individual ability, meaning now, Simeon had to compete with everyone else, and Napoleon could get the cream of the crop to help him run the Republic.
But he wasn't just building on the ideas of the revolution. The revolution had led to a lot of chaos, and Napoleon needed stability, so he rolled back a couple of things, most notably with religion. The revolution had pretty much kicked the Catholic church to the curb, but Napoleon understood that since many French citizens still considered themselves Catholic, that could be a problem. So he came to an agreement with the Pope and brought back the church, only this time with some pretty hefty power limitations. He also ensured freedom for other religions and is often noted for his positive treatment of Jewish people at a time of widespread antisemitism. But while all of this may make Napoleon sound like a pretty standup dude, it's good to note that he believed in religious freedom because he thought it was a powerful tool to keep the poor from eating the rich or something like that. Overall, Napoleon's aim was to end the chaos of the revolution and finally create a stable and prospering French Republic, and in that aim, he seemed to be largely successful and generally popular with the people of France. He officially declared that 'the revolution is over', adding,
Napoleon: I am the revolution.
OverSimplified: Napoleon's head could be seen for miles. Of course, not everyone was happy with Napoleon's reforms. Conservatives felt he was too radical; radicals felt he was too conservative, but since Napoleon was a dictator, opposition could usually be stamped out with some good old-fashioned iron fisting.
In 1804, Napoleon took one last major step. After some failed attempts were made to assassinate him, he wanted to strengthen his position and ensure his dynasty could live on after him. And so, he decided being First Consul for Life simply wasn't quite enough. He decided he should become Emperor. He held a vote asking the French people if they were cool with the idea, and they returned to definitely-not-rigged 99.9% in favor. The balls on this man. And so, in the 2nd of December 1804, in an elaborate ceremony at Notre-dame, Napoleon was made Emperor. The Pope was even invited to attend, and normally, he would crown an Emperor, but to make sure everyone knew this wasn't some Charlemagne-style circular power division, Napoleon lifted the crown and placed it on his own head. Like I said, the balls on this man. He was now Emperor of the French.
Pierre: Well, Napoleon, you were a general, then you became First Consul for Life, and now you're an emperor. Is it enough yet? Is your ambition finally satisfied?
Napoleon: I don't know, Pierre. What comes after Emperor?
Pierre: I would say God, Sire. You want to be a God?
(silence)
Napoleon: Yes.
(silence again)
Pierre: I'll put it down under "maybe."
Horatio Nelson: Okay, everyone. What the hell is going on? This Corsican guy showed up out of nowhere, and he's kicking our ass!
Frederick William III: He's exporting the ideas of the French Revolution wherever he goes!
Alexander I: And he just declared himself King of Italy and Emperor!
Francis II: He can't do that! I'm the emperor!
Napoleon: Oh. Hey, fellow monarchs. I see you're having a monarch party. My invite must've got lost in the mail. I'll just set up a spot riiiiight here.
Francis II: Wow. You don't belong here, Napoleon. We're coming to take you down.
Napoleon: I'd like to see you try.
Francis II: Ooooh! I'm so scared I just pooed my pants. Hey, everyone! I just pooed my pants!
(The monarchs are laughing)
Francis II: No, but I did just poo my pants.
OverSimplified: Before Napoleon had even declared himself Emperor, the British had already re-declared war on France, because both sides had been violating their previous treaty. Napoleon immediately occupied Hanover and then began making plans for a great British invasion, partially paid for by selling a huge chunk of land to the United States. Napoleon gathered his army along the English Channel. but here was the problem. While Napoleon's powerful army would almost certainly obliterate the British on land, there was very little chance he'd actually make it across the channel because Britannia ruled the waves. This power dynamic would keep the two traditional enemies from engaging in much real direct combat throughout the Napoleonic Wars. However, the British had something else up their sleeves: copious amounts of money. They were willing to throw cash at anyone who would go to war against Napoleon, and there were plenty of takers: Austria, Russia, Naples, and Sweden, hoping to put Napoleon's France back in its place, formed the Third Coalition against France.
=== War of the Third Coalition ===
OverSimplified: The Coalition forces probably thought that this time, they stood a chance. They weren't prepared for the total humiliation they were about to suffer. The War of the Third Coalition was Napoleon at his best. We've already learned two ways in which Napoleon was a great military commander, but here comes one of the biggest reasons: speed. He had reorganized his army into corps, which were themselves basically small armies. Each had their own infantry, cavalry, and artillery, and as a result, was able to act more independently. They spread out through the countryside, and by living off the land (rather than relying on heavy supply trains), they were able to move extremely quickly. Napoleon would traverse massive distances, outmaneuver his enemies, isolate them, and then move in for the kill before they even knew what was going on: lightning warfare, leading to total destruction. Would you like to see him do it? Here we go.
Part of the Coalition's plan was for the Russians to meet up with the Austrians and take on Napoleon together. Combined, they could turn the tide against him, so Napoleon needed to stop them from ever meeting, but he's all the way over in Bouillon. No problem; in a matter of weeks, Napoleon marched 200,000 men, in secret, encircling Austrian general Mack, and capturing his entire army; a devastating blow. Napoleon later remarked,
Napoleon: I have destroyed the Austrian army by simply marching.
OverSimplified: Next, he turned to face the approaching Russians.
A Russian General (probably Mikhail Kutuzov): Okay. It looks like the French are coming for us, but check this out. I've got an amazing idea: When they approach, we run away.
Another Russian General: Sir... you're a genius.
OverSimplified: The Russians began to retreat with Napoleon giving chase, and since his tactics relied on quick victories, this could be a problem, especially because the longer the war went on, the more likely it looked other countries may join the coalition against him, but Napoleon knew the Russians are Alexander I, who was young and seeking glory, so he came up with an idea to lure him in: he sent him a message.
Alexander I: What does it say?
Dmitry Senyavin: It says, "Hello. I'm just a little baby boy, and I'm very scared."
Alexander I: Are you talking like that, or is he?
Dmitry: He is, sir.
Alexander I: Why's he doing that?
Dmitry: I don't know, but it's very cute, helpless, and vulnerable.
Alexander I: A little baby boy, eh. Very scared, eh? CUTE, EH? *turns around* Boris, get my crossbow, we're going hunting.
OverSimplified: The Allied forces turned to face Napoleon, who they now believed was in a vulnerable position. He was set up at Austerlitz, and to make it look like he was retreating, he had even evacuated the high ground. A thick fog set in, obscuring Napoleon's center, as the Allies took the bait and set up on the heights. From there, they spotted Napoleon's very weak-looking right flank, and they descended the heights to go get it. Little did they know it was exactly what Napoleon was hoping they'd do. The next thing they knew, a large French force was emerging from the fog, launching a huge central assault up the hill. They swung around, crushing the allies, and as men attempted to flee across the frozen lakes, Napoleon ordered his artillery to fire on the ice, causing an unknown number to drown.
Alexander I: But he told me he was just a little baby boy. What happened?
Boris: He tricked you, sir.
Alexander I: You mean I was the little baby boy all along?
*cannonball hits Alexander I and Boris*
OverSimplified: It was Napoleon's masterpiece, and Austria were once again forced to make peace with France. Then, with the French conquest of Naples in 1806, the War of the Third Coalition ended as yet another Napoleon victory.
=== War of the Fourth Coalition ===
OverSimplified: This was the third time Napoleon had had to give Austrian emperor Francis a good spanking. And so, with the peace treaty in 1805, Napoleon was determined to punish him: he was forced to give up territory, hand over significant compensation, and promised never to fight Napoleon again. For now, Russia, Sweden, and the UK remained at war with France, but none were able to offer much of a threat. And so, Napoleon got to work strengthening his grip over Europe. He gave out rule of captured territories to his family and friends, and most notably, he established a new confederation in Germany with himself as its protector. Seeing his influence in Germany being wiped away, Emperor Francis acknowledged reality and officially dissolved the Holy Roman Empire, an entity that had existed for over a thousand years.
But it wasn't all good news for Napoleon. For one thing, Spain had earlier allied with France in 1804 because the British just couldn't help themselves from blowing up Spanish ships, and Napoleon hoped the combined French-Spanish fleet would eventually be able to invade England. Unfortunately, he received word that British Admiral Nelson had engaged his fleet at Trafalgar. Normally, naval battles looked like this, but in this case, Nelson did this. Was it because he was an idiot? No, it's because he was a genius. He successfully punched through the Franco-Spanish line and unleashed hell. His victory ensured British control of the sea, and his death during the battle made him a legend. Napoleon's hopes for a future British invasion were gone, but not just that; Napoleon was also hoping to secure peace on the continent, but that wasn't looking likely because the Prussian king was under pressure from his wife.
Louise of Mecklenburg-Strelitz: Frederick, he's established a Confederation in our turf, and he told us he'd give us Hanover, but then offered it to the British. You have to declare war on him.
Frederick William III: What is it with you and war?
Louise of Mecklenburg-Strelitz: What is it with you and being a cupcake? GO TO WAR!
Frederick William III: Okay.
OverSimplified: In October 1806, Prussia, with its famed military tradition, joined the Coalition and declared war, beginning the War of the Fourth Coalition. Unfortunately, Prussian king Frederick William III wasn't the smartest tool in the shed.
Alexander I: Look at him over there being all French. Makes me sick! Boys, we will get him this time. But here's the thing: this time, we have to stick together. Do not, under any circumstances, face Napoleon by yourself. You all saw what happened to Austria-a..... Hey, where'd Fred go?
Frederick William III: *to Napoleon in the distance* Hey, you jerk! Think you're some kind of big shot, huh? Want to tango with Fred? You don't got the cajones.
Alexander I: We're screwed.
OverSimplified: Without consulting its allies, Prussia had gone ahead and sent Napoleon an ultimatum, demanding he move all his forces out of Germany. Now, some of you watching this video probably can't even wipe your own bum-bum yet, but even you know you don't just send Napoleon an ultimatum; obviously, Napoleon went in for the kill. Prussia's army was quite outdated, so when they met Napoleon at the twin battles of Jena and Auerstedt, it wasn't even close. Even Marshall Davout's heavily outnumbered corp at Auerstedt sent the Prussians running, and Napoleon carried out a ruthless pursuit of his fleeing enemy, taking Berlin, and within a single month, decimating the Prussian forces. Frederick William and the remnants of his army moved to the east.
At this point, Napoleon's forces were pretty tired. Winter had come and conditions were miserable. He anticipated both sides would settle into winter quarters, but Russia decided to try their hand at an unexpected winter attack. A series of brutal battles followed that took a heavy toll on both sides, including the vicious Battle of Eylau, fought in blizzard conditions. Men froze to death, and many deserted. The Russian artillery tore the French to shreds, and Napoleon himself was momentarily under risk of being captured. In the end, the French army was saved, thanks to a legendary cavalry charge by Napoleon's flamboyant cavalry commander, Murat. After the horror inflicted on both sides, they decided it might be a good idea not to do any more fighting until after winter. Then, after winter came and the fighting continued, the Russians were pushed back to Friedland, where Russian general Bennigsen made a bit of a blunder by positioning himself with the aloe river to his back. The French artillery were able to pin the Russians between the river and their concentrated gunfire. A major element in Napoleon's fighting style and many Russians drowned as they tried to escape. War of the Fourth Coalition, victory, Napoleon.
(dramatic music)
== Part 2 ==
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(dramatic thud)
=== Post-Fourth Coalition ===
OverSimplified: After the third and fourth Coalition wars, Napoleon had decisively defeated all three of his main rivals on the continent, and he was now undoubtedly the master of Europe. After the Battle of Friedland, his enemy sued for peace and they all met on a raft on a river for negotiations. They had been fighting for the past four years, but now, Napoleon and Alexander surprisingly got along like a house on fire. They laughed together, they chatted long into the night, they kissed, the two had a lot of mutual respect, and Napoleon even told his wife that,
Napoleon: If Alexander were a woman, I would make him my mistress.
(air whooshes)
Joséphine De Beauharnais: ...kind of a weird thing to say to your wife, Napoleon.
OverSimplified: In the end, they came to an amicable agreement: Russia would lose barely any land, and in return, they'd joined France against the UK and invade Sweden. Win-win. On the other hand, Frederick William III was sidelined and Prussia lost an enormous amount of territory to French client states. Only the UK remained as the last major threat to Napoleon. And they continued to be a big thorn in his side, constantly funding his enemies and using their powerful navy to wreak havoc on French trade and overseas colonies. But what could Napoleon do? The British were safe across the channel. Well, he said,
Napoleon: If I can't fight you with guns, I'll fight you with money.
OverSimplified: Earlier in 1806, Napoleon had announced the Continental System, a total shut off of the UK from continental trade. No one in Europe was to trade with Britain, and Napoleon hoped that by hitting their economy, he could force them to negotiate. The British economy did take a hit, and they responded in their typical fashion by going to Copenhagen and blowing a bunch of stuff up. But in general, the British managed to stay afloat by simply increasing their trade with other parts of the world. Many neutral countries found themselves stuck between a rock and a hard place as the two European superpowers demanded they ceased trade with the enemy.
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Now, where were we? Oh yeah. Making peace with the Russians, a continental blockade, and blowing up Copenhagen. 
=== Peninsular War ===
OverSimplified: Sick of being blown up for doing almost nothing and under significant pressure from Napoleon, the Danish officially sided with France. But Napoleon's blockade had the biggest effect on continental Europe, who were now cut off from a major trading partner, one that controlled the seas and held a rich, growing empire, and a lot of countries didn't fully comply. Portugal, a traditional British ally, refused to take part. No problem: Napoleon sent an army and invaded. But it wasn't just Portugal. Many of Napoleon's allies were also suspect.
Pierre: Your Majesty, it seems that Spain isn't properly enforcing your blockade.
Napoleon: Spain? Why not?
Pierre: Well it appears, they've been trying to find a way out of being your ally since they lost their fleet at Trafalgar.
Napoleon: What is with these people? It's almost like everyone's only pretending to be my ally because they know otherwise I'd beat them up. Do I even have any real friends? Are you my friend, Pierre? Say yes or I'll slap you.
OverSimplified: Napoleon had come to mistrust his ally to the south, and in particular, Napoleon thought the Spanish royal family were an incompetent mess.
Napoleon: Alright, Carlos, you've got to get it together. How can I trust you when all you do is go hunting? Meanwhile, you've let this ambitious nobody who dislikes me run the country, and you seem to be the only person in the universe who doesn't realize he's BOINKING YOUR WIFE! And what's wors—
(Carlos IV is suddenly replaced with Ferdinand VII)
Napoleon: Who the heck are you?
Ferdinand VII: I'm the king's son. I just overthrew my dad, so, actually, now I'm the king.
(silence)
Napoleon: (angrily) You people are the biggest cluster of shameless, narcissistic idiots, and all around, just the WORST people I've ever met. *quickly* Here, have a Kids' Choice Award.
OverSimplified: French forces, many having conveniently already entered Spain to invade Portugal, occupied Spanish forts and Napoleon invited the Spanish royals to France to help "mediate" their differences.
(audience cheering)
Napoleon: Alright! We're here with the royal family of Spain. So, Fernando, you've been accused of plotting against your father and vying for the Spanish throne.
(audience gasps)
Napoleon: What do you have to say for yourself?
Ferdinand VII: Well, Napoleon—
Napoleon: That's great! Well, I've got the test results right here.
Audience member: *faintly* All right!
Napoleon: Fernando, in the case of the Spanish throne, you are NOT the king.
Carlos IV: HAHA!
(audience laughing)
Napoleon: And Carlos, you are also... NOT the king.
(audience laughing)
(air whooshes)
Napoleon: I'M THE KING!
(audience cheering) (Carlos and Fernando are put into the cage)
OverSimplified: Actually, Napoleon made his brother the king, but for all intents and purposes, Spain was now his puppet. He expected the Spanish people to be over the moon at the removal of their unpopular royal family. Imagine his surprise when it turned out that people don't really like to be subjugated by a foreign power, least of all one who had previously attacked the Catholic Church. And so, the people of Spain revolted.
Brutal fighting broke out as bands of armed Spaniards ambushed French troops across the kingdom and vicious atrocities were committed on both sides. In addition to fighting the regular Spanish and Portuguese forces, the French had to contend with tens of thousands of guerrilla fighters throughout the Spanish countryside. The British even took the opportunity to land an army led by the future Duke of Wellington. And now, British forces were defeating French ones on land. Napoleon briefly went to Spain in person, and he did drive back the allied armies, but before long, his attention was needed elsewhere. The whole thing became a nightmare for the emperor. He excelled at traditional warfare, but this was something more akin to Napoleon's Vietnam. The whole conflict would keep hundreds of thousands of French soldiers and resources bogged down for years. Napoleon was never able to break the will of the Spanish people, and this problem weakened his position in Europe.
=== War of the Fifth Coalition ===
(Francis II hums)
United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland: *reveals themselves from a bush* Hey, Francis, wanna go to war with Napoleon again?
Francis II: Oh, I don't know, Britain. He's already whomped me three times.
United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland: I'll give you a bazillion pounds.The British currency, not the unit of measurement
Francis II: Wellll, OK!
OverSimplified: Seeing that Napoleon was now caught up in Spain, and with some British funding, Austria decided maybe, just maybe, this time they'd have a chance. So did they? No. Napoleon defeated them in just four months. It was quick, but it wasn't exactly easy. The Austrians had been watching Napoleon and learning, and they had made some reforms, while Napoleon, after years of war, was increasingly having to rely on inexperienced conscripts. So this time, the Austrians gave him a run for his money. The Fifth Coalition saw some of the bloodiest battles to date, including Napoleon's first major defeat. And when he did finally defeat the Austrians at the Battle of Wagram, it was a very costly victory. Still, Napoleon had yet again kicked Francis' butt, and as part of the peace terms, Austria lost a bunch more land. 
Not long after, however, Napoleon and Francis came to another agreement. It was decided that Napoleon would marry Francis' young daughter.
You: But wait, doesn't Napoleon already have a wife?
OverSimplified: Well, yes, he did. Josephine and Napoleon had become quite fond of one another. But now that Napoleon was playing the monarch game, he needed a male heir, and his aging wife wasn't giving him one. So it was out with the old and in with the new. At least he didn't behead anyone (Yes, we're talking about you, Henry VIII.). For Austria, they felt that if Napoleon was going to keep on winning, they may as well be on his side. So through the marriage, Napoleon got an alliance with Austria and a beautiful baby potato.
Between them failing blockade against Britain, the ongoing war in Spain, and now his recent struggles in Austria, cracks in Napoleon's invincibility were beginning to show. But still, look at this map. So blue, so beautiful. Even Sweden, after being pulverized by Russia, overthrew their king, and after an interesting chain of events, ended up putting one of Napoleon's own marshals in charge. Marshall Bernadotte took the name Karl Johan and became crown prince of Sweden. After agreeing to join Napoleon's Continental System, for now, Sweden was team France. Napoleon was on top of the world. He had won an endless string of victories. All he had to do now was sit back and not make any major miscalculations that could completely turn the tide of war. So let's see what comes next. (It's Napoleon's invasion of Russia)
(dramatic music) (air whooshes)
=== Napoleon's Invasion of Russia ===
OverSimplified: France's alliance with Russia was a terrifying prospect. Together, the two could've been unstoppable, but unfortunately, the alliance didn't last. The Russians felt they weren't getting a fair deal. Napoleon's Duchy of Warsaw right on their doorstep was a bit of an insult, and then their economy began to tank because of Napoleon's British blockade. And eventually, they began to open up trade.
Pierre: Your Majesty, it seems Alexander is no longer abiding by the Continental System and has begun trading with the British.
Napoleon: Alexander? But... he kissed me.
Pierre: He... kissed you?
Napoleon: *angrily* You wouldn't get it, Pierre! No one would ever kiss you!! *bawling*
OverSimplified: The security of Napoleon's empire depended on removing the British threat and he wasn't happy with Russia's backdoor shenanigans. And so, in 1812, Napoleon decided to go to war. He gathered together the most massive army Europe had ever seen, made up of troops from every corner of his empire, and he prepared to invade.
Alexander I: Okay, it looks like Napoleon's coming for us. Generals, I need ideas.
General A: We could stand and fight.
Alexander I: No, that's stupid. You're stupid.
Kutuzov: We could run away.
Alexander I: YOU... You're a star!!
OverSimplified: You remember Napoleon's tactics relied on astonishing speed to outmaneuver his enemy and force a quick, decisive battle. Well, I've got two words for you: scorched earth. If his opponent retreated while scorching the Earth, his men couldn't live off the land. And if his men couldn't live off the land, he needed his supply trains. And if he needed his supply trains, he couldn't move quickly. And if he couldn't move quickly, he couldn't outmaneuver his enemy. And if he couldn't outmaneuver his enemy, I think you get the point.
Napoleon launched his invasion and hoped for a quick battle, but all he could do was try to catch the retreating Russians while moving deeper and deeper into hostile territory. As he went, the horribly hot summer devastated his army. His men died of heat, exhaustion, and disease. Supplies began to run out and his men began to starve. Many deserted, and still, the Russians continued to retreat. Numerous times, Napoleon considered turning back. But that little voice in his head kept on telling him,
Napoleon's voice in his head: Keep going... just a little further, and don't worry, you're definitely average height, for the time.
OverSimplified: He nearly caught the Russians at Smolensk, but it was his birthday, so he had a party instead. When he finally reached Moscow, he predicted the Russians wouldn't be willing to give up such a historic and holy city without a fight, and he was right. The Russians finally turned to face him for the single deadliest day of the Napoleonic Wars, the Battle of Borodino. The Russians fought valiantly, and as he got older, Napoleon's battle tactics seemed to become a little less refined and a little more "run straight at the enemy, try not to die." He launched a full frontal assault at the Russian defenses, and as a result, the death toll was colossal. The Russians eventually decided to retreat, leaving Moscow to fall into Napoleon's hands.
A Russian general: Quick! The French are taking the city. Release all these prisoners immediately and tell them to burn it to the ground!
A Russian police: Well, well, Jimmy the Arsonist, you are not gonna believe your luck.
OverSimplified: Moscow went up in flames, and as Napoleon entered, it became very clear his army wouldn't be able to stay there very long. But he had just defeated the Russian army and taken their most beloved city. In his mind, he had won, so he sent Tsar Alexander in St. Petersburg a letter.
Dmitry Senyavin: Your Imperial Majesty, Napoleon requests your surrender. How shall I respond?
Alexander I: You shan't, Dimitri.
Dmitry: Ever?
Alexander I: Ever.
Dmitry: But your majesty, it will be winter soon. The French forces are stuck 500 miles into Russian territory with dwindling supplies. If we don't say anything, well... then they'll all die! Oooooooooohhhhh!!!
OverSimplified: After waiting for a response for about a month, the first snow of winter began to fall, and Napoleon sensed the catastrophe that was about to unfold. He decided their only choice now was to get out, and that's when it happened. It got cold, stupid cold. His glorious invasion had just become a race for survival. As the Russians realized the French were fleeing for their lives, they began to close in on their supply line. Men froze to death; their horses as well. There was starvation and disease. The injured and dying could only be left by the side of the road, as it was too slow to try to carry them. And all along the way, the dreaded Russian Cossacks stalked the bleeding French army, and every now and then, swept in for a quick attack. Napoleon, fearing capture, kept a vial of poison around his neck.
At one point, the Russian armies nearly trapped him against the Berezina River, but a little Napoleon cleverness gave him the old Jeffrey juke, tricking them into thinking he was going south, and then escaping across rapidly-built pontoon bridges to the north. When the Russians realized where he was and began to close in, the French burned the bridges before everyone could cross. Hundreds drowned and thousands were captured. At this point, Napoleon got wind of plots against him forming in Paris, so he abandoned his men and went back to France. The remaining French stragglers made it across the border.
It's been estimated over 600,000 men went into Russia. Less than 100,000 returned.
=== War of the Sixth Coalition ===
OverSimplified: Napoleon was now in a very precarious situation. His army had just been obliterated, and the other European leaders smelled blood. Here was an opportunity to take advantage of a weakened Napoleon, regain territory and influence, and liberate Europe from his dirty French paws. And so, they began to turn. Prussia soon broke their alliance and switched sides, while Austria declared neutrality. Even Sweden, led by one of Napoleon's old marshals, joined the Allies, partly due to Napoleon's earlier invasion of Swedish Pomerania. The War of the Sixth Coalition had begun. The Coalition forces had been reforming their armies, and they were now much better, and the UK had also significantly amped up its financial aid to its continental allies. Their armies quickly advanced through Poland and into Germany. In Paris, Napoleon was understandably freaking out. He needed to put together a new army fast, and he called up over 100,000 new conscripts, mostly teenagers. He also put his factories into overdrive, and he was like,
Napoleon: You, make more rifles! You, build new cannons! You, make more horses!
Teenage worker, being whipped: I don't make horses.
Napoleon: Then who makes horses?
Whipped worker: Horses make horses.
Napoleon: Explain how!
Whipped worker: Well, when a daddy horse and a mummy horse love each other very much...
Napoleon: Yes, go on...
Whipped worker: Well, then, the daddy horse—
(five minutes later)
Whipped worker: *In a soft tone* I'm sorry, Napoleon. You're 43; I thought you'd know this stuff.
Napoleon: Don't touch me! I'm gonna be sick...
OverSimplified: As it turned out, Napoleon's lack of horses would take the biggest toll on his army since his tactics relied on speed, maneuverability, and destruction. When he took the fight to the Allies in 1813, he did defeat them and sent them running, but lacking cavalry, he was unable to effectively pursue and destroy. He needed horses. For the Allies, being defeated in battle by a man whose army was now full of inexperienced conscripts was concerning, so both were like,
Alexander I: Hold up, time out.
OverSimplified: The Allies were somewhat cornered, and had Napoleon kept going, it's possible he could've won, but instead, he agreed to a brief truce with the Austrians mediating between the two sides. When Austria demanded Napoleon make major concessions, Napoleon told them to shove it. Having had their terms rejected, Austria felt now they were justified in saying,
Francis II: Well, we tried.
OverSimplified: And they joined the Coalition.
Alexander I: Okay, everyone. Look at us. The boys are back together, but Napoleon is still dangerous, so we need a plan. Any ideas?
Bernadotte: Hmm. Oh, I know! Ah, no forget it. That's stupid.
... 
Ah!.... Ah, no, no, no, no.
...
I've got it! When he approaches, we run away.
(Cheering)
Francis II: Genius. He's a genius-
OverSimplified: The plan was as follows: wherever Napoleon advanced, whoever he advanced on would avoid battle, allowing the others to sweep in from the sides and attack the French marshals guarding his flanks. Essentially, the plan was don't try to fight Napoleon, and this plan worked tremendously. The Allies scored a number of victories that saw Napoleon move back to the city of Leipzig, where he would make one last major stand as the Allied armies converged in on him from all sides. The stage was set for the biggest and bloodiest battle of the Napoleonic Wars, the Battle of Leipzig.
Almost half a million troops from over a dozen nations stretched across the battlefield. The French found themselves fighting on all sides for four days against the Austrians, Prussians, Swedes, and Russians. It's no wonder this battle is also sometimes referred to as the Battle of the Nations. The French fought ferociously, but ultimately, were no match for the coordinated efforts of the Coalition. At one point in the midst of battle, Saxon troops allied with the French had a team huddle and were like,
Saxon troop: Hey, guys. I'm pretty sure the French are losing. Let's switch sides.
OverSimplified: And so, they did. When it became clear that Napoleon couldn't win, he ordered a retreat across the only bridge over the river. The Allies swarmed into the city, and desperate fighting raged in the streets.
Colonel: Okay, corporal. After everyone has crossed the river, I need you to blow up the bridge, okay? Not BEFORE everyone's crossed, AFTER. You got that?
Corporal: Yes, Colonel. I'm not five; I can comprehend time.
Colonel: Good.
(The colonel leaves)
Corporal: Wait, did he say before or after? Well, fortune favors the bold.
(bridge explodes)
OverSimplified: The bridge was blown early, and 30,000 French troops were stranded and captured; a disaster, and with that, the dominoes were beginning to come crashing down on Napoleon. In the south, an army under the British Duke of Wellington had been pushing the French out of Spain for the past few years and were now crossing into France. Austrian armies had pushed into Italy, while Napoleon's old, flamboyant cavalry commander, Murat, who Napoleon had made King of Naples, decided to switch sides. German states, many resentful after years under Napoleon's thumb, turned against him, and the Confederation of the Rhine collapsed. Bernadotte invaded Denmark, and they were forced to join the Coalition, while the Netherlands were liberated. You'd think Napoleon might've seen the writing on the wall, but he was Napoleon. And so instead, he prepared to keep fighting.
As attitudes in Paris were already beginning to turn against him, he called up more conscripts to defend the exhausted nation. As for the Allies, they weren't sure exactly what they were aiming for here. A few peace offers were floated that may have let Napoleon keep his position, but the British kept throwing around even more money, and eventually, they all agreed that the ultimate aim was the deposition of Napoleon entirely. And so, Napoleon embarked on one of his most famous campaigns to defend the homeland. He was completely outnumbered, but the Allied armies had split up and spread out. His army was so small that he could move at lightning speed, and he used this to his advantage.
In the famous Six Days' Campaign against Prussian General Blucher, he attacked from all directions and defeated Blucher's forces four times, only suffering a tenth of the casualties he inflicted. Even with his back completely to the wall, Napoleon was still Napoleon. Then, he turned south to take on Schwarzenberg's Army of Bohemia and enjoyed even more victories. However, Napoleon's problem was that he couldn't be everywhere at once, and wherever he wasn't, the Allies continued to push towards Paris. He made one last-ditch attempt at moving in behind the enemy lines and cutting off their communications, but Paris was in disarray, and the people were sick of war. One ambitious and slightly treacherous politician sent the Allied armies a letter basically saying, "Hey guys, come on in." And so, they did. The city's defenders surrendered, and as the Allied leaders entered Paris, the people cheered them as bringers of peace. Paris had fallen.
Napoleon: Quick, marshals. Gather your men. We're gonna launch an assault on Paris. Where are my marshals?
Janitor: They all left and told me to give you this note.
OverSimplified: Napoleon's marshals had realized what he hadn't: it was over, and they insisted all that was left now, for the good of France, was for him to abdicate, and without the support of his army, Napoleon had no choice. He hoped his son could take his place, but it was decided instead to restore the old Bourbon monarchy. Old King Louis XVI's brother would become the King of France. It was almost like the French Revolution had never even happened.
Francis II: But what will we do with Napoleon? We can't have a hyperactive, 44-year-old menace running around, reigniting revolutionary ideals and plotting his return.
Alexander I: Well, why don't we send him, mm, I don't know, there [Elba]?
=== Napoleon's First Exile ===
OverSimplified: The location chosen for Napoleon's exile was the small island of Elba, just off the coast of Italy. Napoleon was to rule over the island and even got to keep the title Emperor of Elba. The Allies must have been in stitches when they came up with that. When he learned what his fate was to be, he drank the poison he'd been keeping around his neck, but it had gone out of date, so instead of a quick and painless death, he got a painful stummy-wummy instead.
Before he left France, he addressed his oldest and closest guard one last time, making an emotional speech that ended with him kissing their flag, and off he went to exile. The deal that was given to him was actually quite generous. His family were given titles, he was to receive a state pension from France, and he was able to receive many distinguished visitors, all eager to come and meet the famed emperor. And he ruled over Elba well, improving infrastructure and introducing many legal and social reforms aimed at improving life on the island.
Unspecified British character: Hey, Napoleon, just coming in to check on how it's all going. Holy Smokes!
OverSimplified: But it wasn't all good. For one thing, he learned of the death of his first wife Josephine and was deeply saddened. He was forbidden from seeing his son and current wife, and in Austria, Emperor Francis had ordered a local count to seduce her so she would forget about Napoleon. Then, the new king Louis XVIII refused to give Napoleon his agreed pension. He was under constant threat of assassination, and there were even rumors that the Allies were thinking of relocating him somewhere even more remote, but the biggest problem was that Napoleon was once the master of Europe. He had lived a thrilling life of adventure, fame, and glory. Now, he found himself on a tiny island in the Mediterranean, and he was bored. Wouldn't it be nice if he could somehow return to France and reclaim his throne?
Pierre: Hey, Napoleon. Wanna go back to France and reclaim your throne?
Napoleon: I would, Pierre, but how?
Pierre: Well, I was thinking we could just take this boat.
Napoleon: Will that work?
Pierre: Surprisingly, yes.
Napoleon: Pierre, remember when I told you no one would ever kiss you?
Pierre: *Sadly* Yes, sire.
Napoleon: Well, pucker up, boyo!
Pierre: *in tears of joy* Yay!
OverSimplified: When Napoleon left Elba, it wasn't really the daring escape you might think. He basically had kind of a leaving ceremony, hopped on a ship, and sailed back to France. He brought with him an army of about 1,000 men and he began his journey to Paris. However, in Paris, there was now a new king, and at first, the people largely accepted him because the last few years of war under Napoleon had brought immense death and economic suffering.
Louis XVIII: That's right! The king is back, baby! Divine right to rule! Don't worry, everyone. I know the economy is caput, but I and my courtiers will withdraw into this palace, and we will definitely work as hard as we can to fix everything.
(air whooshes)
(crowd cheering)
(energetic music) (cheering stops)
Crowd: Huh?
*glass shatters*
*partiers laughing*
Unspecified character: Oh, yeah. That's why we got rid of the king.
OverSimplified: As the Bourbon monarchy began to look more and more like a return to the past, and the returning nobility seemed hellbent on regaining their lost privileges, the people weren't too happy. And so, Napoleon hoped that his glorious return would be met with jubilation. In the end, the reaction was a little mixed, but many were happy to see their old emperor.
Royal Advisor: Your Majesty, it seems that Napoleon is back and marching this way with 1,000 men.
Louis XVIII: That guy? No problem. I have hundreds of thousands of men. Send them to arrest him.
Royal Advisor: Ugh, Your Majesty, it seems the thousands of men we sent to arrest Napoleon have all joined his side.
Louis XVIII: Well, I'm off to Belgium. If you ever need a king again, be sure to let me know.
OverSimplified: As Napoleon continued his journey, the king had sent battalions of men to stop him, but they largely comprised of Napoleon's old soldiers, many unhappy with King Louis' military reforms. And so when ordered to arrest him, they simply couldn't do it. In one famous incident, the troops began to cry out, "Long live the emperor!," When Napoleon reached Paris, with King Louis having fled, he entered unopposed to reclaim his throne. Napoleon was back from the dead.
=== Hundred Days ===
British Representative: Okay, everyone. Now that we've finally gotten rid of that guy, let's try to make sure something like this can never happen again.
(air whooshes)
British Representative: What's that doing there?
Napoleon: Hey, fellow monarchs.
(all screaming)
Francis I: I pooed my pants again! BAAHHHHH-
OverSimplified: This time Napoleon promised he would be a mucho, mucho good boy and not start any wars, but the allied leaders were having none of it. They declared Napoleon an outlaw and the illegitimate ruler of France. Then, they declared war, not on France, but on Napoleon himself. And when you have multiple empires declaring war on you as an individual, that's how you know you're a very naughty boy.
The allied powers began making plans to combine their forces and once again invade France. The most immediate threat to Napoleon were the British and Prussians hanging out in nearby Belgium. If Napoleon could knock them out quickly, maybe he could force the allies to negotiate and maybe he could hold on to his power. Together, the two armies to the north outnumbered him, so he made a plan to divide them and take them on separately. Historians debate how much of a chance Napoleon had here, but this same strategy of dividing and conquering had worked for him multiple times. He marched north with 125,000 men and took on the allies in a number of initial engagements, defeating the Prussians before turning to take on the British. But to Napoleon's dismay, miscommunication and hesitation among his marshals allowed both enemy armies to retreat and crucially, rather than fleeing east, the Prussians moved north where they could remain in contact with the British. Napoleon sent a force to hold off the Prussians as he moved in on the British, now holding a defensive position at Waterloo.
Prussian General Blucher sent word that he would come to Wellington's aid if he could just hold off the French for long enough. Napoleon had to defeat Wellington before the Prussian Army could arrive in force. And it was close. The British held the high ground and a number of key defensive buildings across the battlefield. After waiting some hours he didn't have for the ground to dry, Napoleon sent men to assault the Hougoumont farm. But the British-German garrison there held up. French Marshall Ney launched a number of miscalculated cavalry charges at the British lines. The British formed defensive square formations, and they tore the French cavalry to shreds, while one guy chose the absolute worst time to go on a bender. The French did manage to capture a farmhouse directly in front of the British line. And from there, they unleashed artillery hellfire on the British square formations. And as Napoleon sent his Imperial Guard in to finish the British off, a nervous Wellington knew his lines were at breaking point. But the Prussians had earlier begun to arrive, and now they were arriving in large numbers. And after the British held out and sent the French Imperial Guard running, the French lines panicked, fearing they had been encircled, and they began to flee. The Battle of Waterloo was an allied victory. And with that, Napoleon's hopes of returning to glory were vanquished. He knew he was defeated.
=== Final Years of Napoleon ===
OverSimplified: He went to the British and said,
Napoleon: "Can I please have a house near London?"
And the British replied, "No."
OverSimplified: Instead, to make sure Napoleon was put away once and for all, they sent him to one of the most isolated and remote places they could think of. A tiny island in the Atlantic Ocean, Saint Helena. Here, a deeply isolated and depressed Emperor Napoleon would live the remaining years of his life. His house was a wooden bungalow, not exactly on par with the Tuileries Palace. Much to his frustration, his captains referred to him as general, rather than calling him emperor. His mail was censored. His visitors were vetted. There was almost no way he could escape such an isolated island, but just to be sure, he was guarded by 2,000 British soldiers and two ships that circled the island 24 hours a day. He had once been the most powerful man alive, and images of the victorious Napoleon depict a strong leader, hand firmly in jacket. Depictions of Napoleon on Saint Helena show a dishevelled, old man, hand firmly in pants. He had lost everything. And by the way, he was only 46. So maybe it's about time you... You know what? You're doing all right kid. 
Napoleon fought one last battle while on the island. The battle for his reputation. He spent hours writing his memoirs, espousing his achievements, recording his greatness, and turning himself and his story into a phenomenal legend. And in this battle, he certainly succeeded. His mark on history can not be denied. After his defeat, the European monarchs had got to work restoring Europe to its traditional balance and reasserting their dominance. But after Napoleon had spread the influence of the French Revolution, these returning monarchs would have a difficult time regaining their absolute control. France returned to the rule of the Bourbons, but it would go on to stage another revolution, and then another one. Reaction to Napoleon's rule in places like Germany and Italy propelled forward the ideas and feelings of modern unity and nationalism, and his "Napoleonic Code" still remains the basis of law in various modern countries. The modern world owes a lot to Napoleon's legacy. He remains, statistically, possibly the greatest military general in history and his revolutionary military tactics changed the face of warfare. He was the last truly great leader to both lead his armies in battle while retaining total political control over a vast empire. There's still hope for Joe Biden.
But the man remained somewhat of an enigma, and we still aren't sure exactly what to make of him in some regards. Was he the champion of the French Revolution, spreading equality wherever he went or did betray it by making himself an absolute Monarch and restricting certain liberties? Was he an ambitious and aggressive conqueror hell-bent on bringing Europe to its knees or was he simply defending himself against an aggressive Europe hell-bent on reducing his power? Some things will continue to be debated.
Napoleon died at the age of 51, officially of stomach cancer, but some believe he may have been poisoned. The British buried him in a tin coffin inside a mahogany coffin inside a lead coffin, inside another mahogany coffin. I guess this time they wanted to make sure he stayed where they put him. In 1840, his remains were moved to Paris where they now rest under the Dome of Les Invalides. The man from humble origins, with huge ambition ruthless determination, immaculate skill on the battlefield, and a hefty dose of luck who was determined to make his mark on history did just that. "There is no immortality," he said, "but the memory that is left in the minds of men." And in that sense, Napoleon knew he would live on forever.
Oh, and to reiterate, he was definitely average height for the time.
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