Dagobah, a Room and a Chimney Sweep/Transcript

This is the transcript for Dagobah, a Room and a Chimney Sweep, which aired on January 27, 2022.
==Transcript==
1 Previously on B Positive Meredith.
Oh, my God.
- Is everything okay? - Call 911.
How is she? She's gone.
Sorry you had to cut your trip short.
Oh, it's okay.
Things weren't going that great.
Oh, why not? Well, I met a woman.
We got drunk and, uh you know.
No, I don't know.
Come on.
You know.
I don't know.
Tell me.
We had intimate relations.
Which I was led to believe were mutually satisfying.
However, upon my awakening, I discovered she had robbed me.
[LAUGHING.]
Oh, no.
DREW: Look at us.
Out on the open road, seeing the beautiful sights - of this great land of ours.
- Yeah.
That's a lovely Costco.
- You need to take I-90.
- Uh, no.
Actually, we're gonna take the I-95 South to the Florida Keys.
Yeah, I've always wanted to see Hemingway's house and eat an authentic Cubano.
BT-dubs, that's a ham sandwich - I know what it is - With cheese and pickles.
Then we'll head up the Gulf Coast, and make our way west to the Grand Tetons.
What you're about to see is the future of Valley Hills.
Isn't this the room where Knudsen croaked on the crapper? Yeah, that's why we are focusing on the future.
- Wait.
Someone died in that room? - NORMA: Oh, please.
Show me a room in this place where someone hasn't died.
Forget about the dead people.
Well, remember them in your hearts, always.
Okay, now [CLEARS THROAT.]
- Bette? - Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God, this is beautiful.
Anyone would be lucky to die here.
I can see myself lying there, getting CPR as I go towards the light.
Oh, and look at the view.
I'd love that to be the last thing I see.
I'd love for you to be the last thing I see.
That's fine, as long as you're on the bottom.
Check this out.
Alexa, lights on.
[ALL EXCLAIMING.]
Alexa, party lights on.
Oh, I feel like I'm back at Studio 54 making out with Liza Minnelli.
Alexa, normal lights.
And get that image out of my head.
Alexa, tell the CIA agent listening I am a sovereign citizen.
And there's a steam shower and a heated floor.
[TOILET FLUSHES.]
Oh, hey.
Bert, what are you doing? Not living here, that's for sure.
It's okay to have just a little And it's swell to have a lot On the bottom or in the middle In a rowboat or a yacht Love is what we long for To be acknowledged and to be seen In the end, does it really matter If you're a prince A pauper or a queen? - The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live Your happiness is relative And if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive How exciting is this, huh? We finally get to see the Grand Tetons.
Which, in French, means giant boobs.
Ha! Talk about a settler with mommy issues.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, come on.
After thousands of miles, we're almost there.
Yay.
Well, I know which one of us wasn't a cheer captain.
Oh, scenic turnout, 35 miles.
Yay.
You were right, kid.
This is incredible.
Meh.
I heard you showed everyone the new room.
Yeah, they loved it.
[LAUGHS, SNORTS.]
I bet they did.
- Why are you laughing? - You'll see.
- Gabby, tell me.
- If I do that it'll spoil all the fun.
- Gina, got a second? - Yeah, sure.
What's up? That new room, who's gonna get it? And so it begins.
Well, I was planning on showing it to prospective residents.
You know, sort of like a model home.
Oh, so you're giving it to a total stranger? Someone who's not like a mother to you? Sure, that's a better way to go.
Well, Norma, what would you suggest? I'm just thinking out loud, but what if I got it? Yeah, I guess so.
- I don't see any problem with that.
- Really? No problems? Don't you have somewhere to go? I'm actually done for the day.
I'm just sticking around to watch the show.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- You busy? - No.
What's up? Bette needs the key card for the new room so she can move in.
The heated floor will be perfect for my hot yoga.
You should try that with me, Althea.
Honey, what about me says yoga? I am so sorry, but I already promised that room to Norma.
- But I'm at the top of the list.
- What list? There's a waiting list for people who want to move rooms.
Nobody told me there's a waiting list.
There's a waiting list.
Hello.
Hey, what you up to? I'm looking at doormats for my new room.
I like this one.
It says: "Could this visit be a text?" [LAUGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, about that.
Um, turns out there is a waiting list for people who want to change rooms.
So it's supposed to go to Bette.
I see.
And is Bette who you go to when you have a personal problem? - Well, no.
- No.
You don't.
You go to me, don't you? - Yeah.
I do.
- Yeah.
I guess that doesn't matter because of some list.
Okay, I-I will try to figure this out.
Just remember, whatever you decide, I want you to know I love you as if you were my own daughter.
Aww Get it now? It's like the ice planet Hoth out there.
- You know, Star Wars.
- Hmm.
You made me watch those stupid movies.
I'd like some credit for using the terms, okay? Sorry, I'm just a little bit in my head.
Like Luke before he goes to Dagobah to train with Yoda.
All right, maybe we should pull over and put chains on the tires.
- I didn't buy chains.
- Why didn't you buy chains? Well, the box was very heavy.
Plus, the guy said these were all-weather tires, - and this is weather.
- All right.
Maybe we should find someplace to wait this out.
We'll be fine.
If I start praying, will it make you nervous? Funny.
[TIRES SCREECH.]
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done Yeah? Hey, there's my MeToo hottie.
I don't think you're using that term right, but come on in, sit down.
Thanks.
I wanted to talk to you about getting that new room.
Oh! Did Gabby send you? What? No.
I've just been here longer than anybody else.
Well, are you on the list? I didn't know about the list.
- Well, there is a list.
- Okay.
I get it.
Well, do what you can.
I just like the way that toilet lights up in the dark.
Comes in handy when you gotta whiz 14 times a night.
TMI.
No, I talked to a urologist.
It's my prostate.
Size of a grapefruit.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Not now, Gabby! I love this quiet time.
Just the two of us sitting and reading together.
Yeah, it's nice.
- Could I ask you a favor? - Of course.
Could you talk to Gina and tell her that I should get the new room? Oh, wow, I literally just told her that I wanted it.
You? Why would you want it? What, I can't have nice things? Well, judging from your outfit, no.
Anyhow, I'm at the top of the list.
Well, I have seniority.
But I'm your girlfriend.
You are? Well, we hung out together every night this week, we held hands at movie night.
That means something.
Wow, I got a girlfriend.
And you want this to continue, right? Uh, yeah.
Then you'll talk to Gina about me getting that room.
So you get what you want, and I don't get what I want Yeah, I got a girlfriend.
[WIND WHOOSHING.]
It's a mess out there.
So, do you want to play rock, paper, scissors to see who eats who? What's with you, kid? I'm sorry, I'm just a bit tired.
Well, you know me.
I don't mind the quiet.
I feel so lost.
So we're not doing the quiet thing.
Well, I thought seeing the Grand Tetons would be transformational, but it turns out they're just mountains.
Are you kidding? You just saw one of America's wonders; it was gorgeous.
I guess.
- Well, that's what you set out to do.
- Yeah.
And I have done it, and it was a huge letdown.
- Damn it, it's freezing in here.
- Yeah.
Oh, great, it's blowing cold air.
Oh We don't have hot water, either.
Great, we must be out of propane.
Well, we can run the engine and pull the heat off there.
We don't have enough gas to last all night.
[SIGHS.]
We're in a blizzard in the middle of nowhere.
This is how I die.
- A grizzly is gonna eat Gina's kidney.
- Relax, relax.
It's not even grizz season.
My dad was right.
I never should have quit Boy Scouts for gymnastics.
Okay, the way I see it, we have two options.
We either freeze to death, or we climb into a sleeping bag and cuddle for warmth.
Looks like we're gonna die.
So, Jerry, you ever think about dating again, getting back on the horse? Sure, I'd love to meet somebody.
What would you say if I had the perfect gal for you? I'd say great, set it up.
I will.
I just need a little favor Done! Come with me.
Hold on, I unbuttoned my pants.
Spencer has something to tell you.
- Uh, okay.
- Yeah.
As a former police officer, I know the importance of rules.
And therefore we should respect the list and give the new room to Bette.
Otherwise we're no better than North Korea, or California.
Well, I guess the list is hard to argue with.
All the greats were guided by lists.
Santa.
Schindler.
Craig.
I trust you'll do the right thing.
FYI, I still want the room for myself.
But you just said I know what I said.
Work with me.
Sorry to bother you, but have you made a decision about the room yet? Oh, for God sakes, not you, too! Oh, no, not for me, for Norma.
She sent you? Excuse me, just getting a cup of joe.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Hello? Anybody? No one's here.
We have to break in.
What? No.
I've never broken the law in my life.
You've never frozen to death before either.
Now, which new fun thing would you like to try tonight? Okay, but we leave it cleaner than we found it.
You're doing a bad thing, but you're not a bad person.
[PAINED GROAN.]
Look at this.
The key was under the mat.
Great.
Oh, no.
Power's out.
Oh, hello, deer.
[LAUGHS.]
All right, you try to start a fire, - I'll see if the stove is working.
- Surely.
[COCKNEY ACCENT.]
: Ooh, blimey! This chimney's covered in more soot than a Liverpool pigeon.
[DREW CHUCKLES.]
That's my chimney sweep character.
Stove's not working, but I found us some provisions.
Oh, hot cocoa? Whiskey.
Aww.
Attention! Hello, everybody.
I have made a decision about the new room.
Sorry, loser.
I put your names in this hat, and whoever is picked gets the room.
You've rigged it so you can pick your favorite.
Damn right she has.
When do I move in? Bert is gonna do it, and he can't cheat, because he doesn't know any of your names.
- That's not true.
- NORMA: Really? What's my name? You're dressing on the side.
Just pick a name.
There's no mousetrap in there, right? - I'm not falling for that again.
- NORMA: Screw the hat.
I should get the room.
I just had major surgery.
We've all had major surgery.
Vaginal rejuvenation doesn't count.
The democratic thing would be to vote.
- I agree.
- Me, too.
That's not what we're gonna do.
- I vote for myself.
- What?! Give the room to Norma.
I haven't touched a woman in over four years.
I've been here the longest.
- We all want it.
- I'm next on the list.
- Over my dead body.
- I can wait a week.
I'm so lonely.
Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up! You're all acting like spoiled brats, so, so no one gets the room! - GABBY: Gina.
- What?! Have a great night.
Mmm.
This is some decent hooch.
I prefer a hard seltzer, but yes.
Listen, thanks for letting me hijack your trip.
Are you kidding me? It was my pleasure.
Thanks to you I now know that premium gasoline is nothing but a scam.
Thanks to you I found out that Sudafed is effective, but Zyrtec lasts longer.
Oh, well, on the way home I will give you the scoop on Prilosec versus Pepcid AC.
You, sir, will be blown away.
Seriously, if it wasn't for you, I'd be sitting at home thinking about Meredith.
Oh, well, I'm happy I could be there for you.
Tell me, what was going on with you back there at the Tetons, hmm? Oh, it was nothing.
- Let's just drink.
- Eh.
Aw, come on.
I I actually want to talk.
You should take advantage of that.
Come on.
I guess this trip hasn't changed me the way I hoped it would.
It absolutely has changed you.
No, it hasn't.
Come on.
Really? In the last month, you sold your house to buy a camper van and travel the country.
You learned how to How to fix an engine.
You drove through a blizzard and broke into a cabin.
[CHUCKLING.]
Yeah, I did, didn't I? And what happened to you the-the first night on the road? I met a woman and got robbed.
Of your virginity.
No, I believe that was to your mama.
Sorry.
Schoolyard reflex.
[CHUCKLES.]
Kid, I bet you've done more living in the last month than you have in the last ten years.
Well, maybe you're right.
Maybe I have changed.
And you're just getting started.
Do you realize how many people would kill to trade places with you? 50 years old, with your whole life ahead of you.
I'm 35.
Really? Sheesh.
Sign here.
And here.
Initial here.
Uh, sign.
Sign.
That one, too.
Uh, and initial.
I'm afraid to ask what I'm signing.
That's what I'm counting on.
[KNOCKING.]
Can we talk? Oh, God.
The room again? - No, I don't want it.
- Neither do I.
I'm good where I am.
JERRY: You were right.
We were being selfish.
We all talked about it, and there's really only one person who deserves the room and that's Harry.
Ooh.
Plot twist.
Why Harry? We know how hard it is to lose a spouse.
Yeah, we can't let him go back to the room he shared with Meredith.
Too many memories.
Plot twist with a tear in my eye.
That is so so nice of you guys.
I feel like a proud mom with four kids who are somehow older than me.
And once you renovate Harry's room, we can consult the list.
Or you give it to your closest friend.
Or you give it to me.
Ooh.
Or Bette.
Just give it to Bette.
I'm so sorry.
I want to have this conversation, but, um, I just need a moment.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
She's not coming back, is she? - Doesn't look like it.
- Yeah, she's getting in her car.
Hey, party peeps.
You miss us? Oh, my God! Harry! How you doing? I missed you! Oh, thank you.
- [CHUCKLING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
Oh, did you, uh did you meet any new van chicks? Funny how that's your first question.
- It's not funny.
- Oh, it's funny.
Now that you're here, we have a surprise for you.
What is this? It's your new room.
NORMA: We knew it would be too hard for you to go back to your old room.
We thought you might enjoy a change of scenery.
Well, I I-I don't know what to say.
Try "thank you.
" Thank you.
All of you.
This-this means a lot to me.
It's too bright.
Category:Episode Transcripts
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