Cold Ramen: S01E13

Cocko-Blocked is the thirteenth episode of Cold Ramen. It takes place during the fourth year of The Before Times. The episode's plot revolves around Clocko allying with Clubbo and Pimpy to depose Cocko. 
== The Episode ==
(the club colony is as vibrant as ever. clubbo and pimpy are upstairs in their private room again, talking with a bouncer)
We have a problem, my Pimpinesses! Some girl was dancing when she fell to the ground and started convulsing. What should we do?
(pimpy pinches his temple)
some dumb bitch thinks she has the right to OD in our club?! take her out the back door!
Shouldn't we...do something about that, Pimpy?
(the club lords look at each other before they burst out laughing)
HAHAHA don't fuck with me like that clubbo! im too drunk!!
(suddenly, a portal opens in front of them, time lord clocko stepping out)
Clubbo, Pimpy, I Have A Pressing Matter To Discuss With You.
oh shit its clocko! get me the big pimpin', bouncer! i knew this day would come!
Clocko, what're you doing here?
I've Come To Discuss...An Alliance.
aw not this again! how about you time warp to before you came in here with that bullshit offer!
Every time one of us gods form an alliance, someone's always getting betrayed or let down or something.
What If I Told You That This Alliance Was For Dealing With A Mutual Enemy?
alright now you have my attention! please tell me we're gonna knock cocko's block!
You Are Correct, Pimpy. Cocko Has Been A Thorn In Both Our Colony's Sides, but I Know How To Deal With Him Without Any Bloodshed. As You Know, We Are Not The Only Lords Of Our Realms. The Food Colony Houses Not Only Snacko and Cooko, but Grillo and Choco as well.
yeah and we have clowno!
(clubbo and pimpy shudder)
That guy's weird...
My Plan To Stop Cocko Once And For All Is To Install...An Anti-Sex Lord.
(the club lords collectively gasp)
You want to stage a coup by supporting another Lord?! But we all came together and agreed to never do that to each other!
We Also Agreed To Stop Having Unprotected Sex With Mortals, But That Hasn't Stopped Ballo.
how many bastards does that guy have again?!
60 the last time I checked. And every single one a star athlete...
I Know We Swore Against It, But It's A Step I'm Willing To Take. Besides, It's Cocko. Even When We Do It, Who's Going To Come To His Defense?
Good point. Hey, I'm liking this morally grey Clocko! I'm down for a team-up! Pimpy?
im with you clubbo!
Perfect. Now Comes The Interesting Part, Deciding On Which Sex Lord To Back...
How about Bimbo?
pffft, you wanna go with that empty headed bitch?
Not The Words I Would Use, But I Must Agree. Bimbo Could Be Easily Manipulated By Other Gods Because She's...
an empty headed bitch?
...Yes.
what about cucko? hes an honorary pimp in my book! he'll give you the clothes off his back, and his wife!
That Deviant May Not Be The Best Choice. We Just Want Cocko Gone, Not The Collapse Of The Sex Colony.
Good point. Just think of all those naked refugees, flooding the streets of the Club Colony...
my pimpin' clientele would double in size! it would be perfect!
Let's Get Back On Subject...Hm, I Beleive Chasto Is Our Best Choice.
(clubbo and pimpy look at clocko)
You wanna go with her? She's all about marriage and stability and a happy home!
Which Is Exactly What We Need.
Eh, fine. Chasto it is.
Wonderful. I'll Set Up An Appointment With Her Tomorrow. See You Two Then.
(clocko made another portal and left)
...
(the next day, clocko, clubbo and pimpy and walking through a courtyard with a beautiful brunette in a wedding dress)
I am humbled by your request for me to take control, but I am not sure if I can accept. Going against my Lord would deface my values.
Don't tell me you believe in all that Jizzhad crap.
I am quite against Cocko's idea that the world is a...female dog who is yours to...make love to. The idea of premarital sex itself disgusts me. But I have my duties as one of the lords of the Sex Colony.
Think Of This Opportunity, Chasto. You Could Rebuild The Sex Colony From The Ground Up, Change The System To How You See Fit.
(the four pass by cucko, who is yelling at a crying woman)
WHAAAAAAAAT?! YOURE TELLING ME THAT THE BABY YOU JUST GAVE BIRTH TO...IS MINE?! I SPECIFICALLY TOLD YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH THAT GUY WE MET AT THE BAR! YOU WERE GONNA HAVE HIS BABY! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE MOTHER OF EVERY CHILD ON BETA EARTH, EXCEPT MINE! IM GOING TO BE THE LAUGHING STOCK OF THE SEX COLONY NOW! I CAN HEAR IT ALREADY! CUCKO, FATHER OF ONE! YOU RUINED ME YOU STUPID WHORE! WHERES THAT BABY?! I NEED TO SMASH ITS FUCKING SKULL TO KEEP MY HONOR!
(chasto sighs and looks up to the sky)
Perhaps there is wisdom in your words, Clocko. This colony has been too lax under Cocko's control. Do you have a plan?
Anything You Know About Cocko's Daily Patterns Would Aid In Our Mission. My Time Knights Are At Your Command.
we'd offer you some peeps from our colony but everyone's hungover!
Cocko is at his weakest briefly after having sex. After he does the deed with Dicko, I'll give your men the signal to storm his chambers.
LET GO OF ME! YOU KNOW I HAVE TO DO THIS! HES ONLY 2 WEEKS OLD HES LIVED LONG ENOUGH!!
...
(cocko and dicko are in their bedroom. he is stretching)
WHOO! I am the sex champion, baby!
You sure are, daddy Cocko!
I was rearranging your guts in there tonight! Might need to see the cocktor for that. Most likely he'll prescribe 20ccs of my c--
(theres a knock at the door and cocko goes to answers it. chasto is standing outside)
Chasto! Ready to drop the chastity shtick and bust that pussy open for your lord and savior?
In your dreams...my lord. I came to bid you a good night. And to recommend you put on some clothing.
Still got 12 more rounds with Dicko here. I could fit you in, if you wanted...
(chasto gave cocko a look of disgust before turning around and walking away)
What a weirdo, huh? Anyway, time for our 20 minute break. Then we'll start round six!
(suddenly, a portal opens in the center of the bedroom, four time knights stepping out)
Low blow, Clocko! Trying to kill me on a Sunday?! TO ME, MY SEX-M--
(a time knight bops him in the head with the butt of his spear, his allies pointing theirs at dicko. Gathering their query, they march back into the portal, leaving a stunned dicko alone in the room. the portal takes them to clocko's throne room, where the time lord, Clubbo, Pimpy and Chasto are waiting.)
aw come on man! hes got his dick out and everything! i thought you'd tell him to put on some clothes, chasto!
I did. But as usual, he wouldn't listen.
Clocko?! Clubbo?! Pimpy?! If you're behind this, Dicko...BANANA!
(clocko is confused)
...What?
It's our safeword! What the cock is going on here?!
You're Being Deposed, Cocko. The Colonies Have Grown Tired Of Your Deceitful Ways.
thats right! chasto's gonna be running things now!
You're replacing me with Chasto?! Clocko, you're a dumbass, but this really takes the cake! You three have no idea what you're doing!
Oh we know, Finnigan. We're getting rid of the slimiest piece of shit on all of Beta Earth!
He's All Yours, Chasto. Best To Imprison Him Now Before He Regains His Strength.
Of course. I cannot thank you three enough for your help. The Sex Colony will prosper under my rule. Farewell for now.
Come on guys, let me go! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO MEEEEE!
(clocko opens another portal. chasto, cocko, and more time knights enter it and leave)
Gentlemen, We Have Just Gotten Rid Of Cocko.
Good work, fellas! We should do this more often!
...
(its been a few weeks since the sex colony coup. in the sports colony, ballo and mitto are entering their throne room after exiting a portal. mitto reaches into his pocket, handing ballo a sack of coins)
I don't believe it, another kid as the #1 draft pick! How do you do it?
BALLO LAUGHS HEARTILY AS HE ACCEPTS HIS REWARD FOR ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL OUTCOME! HE EXPLAINS THAT CHILDREN OF SINGLE MOTHERS MAKE THE BEST ATHLETES! IT HAS BEEN TIME TESTED, HE ADDS!
(the throne room opens, four buff guards in football gear escorting chasto in)
My Lords, Sex Lord Chasto has come to visit.
Greetings, Sports Lords. I hope you are both well.
BALLO RETURNS CHASTO'S GREETING! HE WELCOMES HER INTO HIS CASTLE!
I've come to talk about a rather...repulsive habit of yours. Your trolloping must come to an end.
BALLO IS TAKEN ABACK! HE INQUIRES AS TO WHAT CHASTO MEANS BY THIS! HE ALSO ADVISES HER NOT TO USE SUCH ADVANCED WORDS IN A COLONY FULL OF JOCKS!
The other lords are aware of your blatant defiance to the rules, but I will not stand for it. Not only will you cease your conquests, but you will also meet with every single one of you sexual partners and your illegitimate children.
Talking a lot of smack for someone who's only here because of broken rules.
BALLO AGREES WITH MITTO'S STATEMENT. THE SPORTS LORD SUGGESTS THAT CHASTO GET OFF HER HIGH HORSE
(chasto closes her eyes and pink tendrils of energy extend from her body to those of the guards. their eyes glow pink and they withdraw their weapons, advancing on the sports lords.)
If you will not understand, I will make you understand!
(ballo and mitto summon their baseball cannon and bat respectively, swiftly defeating their guards. unbenowst to ballo, chasto created another tendril, which entered him through his back)
You belong to me now. Aprehend Mitto!
(ballo turns his cannon on mitto)
Come on, Ballo! Snap out of it!
(ballo fire and mitto bats the balls away. eventually the rate of fire is too much and he's forced to retreat via a portal. the brainwashed ballo turns to his new mistress and bows)
Now travel to Earth and begin meeting with your baby mothers.
...
(clocko, clubbo and pimpy are lounging in the club colony. pimpy downing a whole bottle of vodka)
alright now do it again!
(the time lord fires a beam at pimpy and he immediately becomes drunk)
ahahaha! i love this clock guy!
(theres a commotion outside the door, bouncers yelling. eventually the door is kicked open, revealing an angry mitto)
You guys are in for it now!
Mitto? What're you doing here? And why are you beating up my staff?!
Your stupid 'Anti-Sex Lord', that's why! She walked into the Sports Colony demanding Ballo connect with his baby mammas!
You Must Admit He Is Out Of Control With It...
Then when he refused, she mind controlled our guards, then him! And apparently, that's not the first colony she's stopped at! She also snatched Snacko and Cooko!
Oh My. It Appears That Chasto Is Letting Her Power Get To Her Head. Clubbo, Pimpy, We Need To Talk To Chasto About Her Behavior.
do we have to? i mean she isnt coming after us...
If She Got Angry At Ballo's Sexcapades, How Long Do You Think Until She Turns To Your Pimping Business?
AW HELL NAW! WE'RE PACKING ALL OUR HEAT AND BUSTING HER ASS WIDE OPEN!
(clocko opens a portal and all the gods leave. they reappear in the sex colony, where things look different. the denizens are no longer scantily clad, they are now wearing tuxedos and dresses. upon seeing the gods, they begin to surround them, angrily yelling and throwing trash at them)
Hey! We saved you from Cocko!
this is just like that one book with those adam and eve people! those guys weren't happy when they started wearing clothes!
(from an alley nearby, a woman in a bdsm mask signals and waves them over)
Those people are going to tear you up! Come with me!
(the gods follow her into the alley. she leads them to the back of a building and pulls off her mask, revealing dicko)
I should've let you three get beat up by the angry mob. But you're my only chance at getting daddy Cocko back!
What Happened Here, Dicko?
After you took Cocko from me, Chasto didn't waste any time changing the rules. No more casual sex and mandatory arranged marriages are the norm now.
What do the other lords have to say about this?
Everyone who opposed her regime was thrown in the dungeon! I've been on the run for a while.
Sounds like that's our next stop then! Get to the dungeon, free everyone, and undo the coup!
Mitto, it took a lotta time and planning to dethrone Cocko! And you wanna undo it?
Cocko's a piece of shit. But at least we're used to his shit!
I'm Sorry, Mitto, But Cocko Cannot Roam Free Again. With So Much Going On, I Fear He May Use The Chaos To Reclaim His Throne.
Then let's split up into teams. You can try talking Chasto down and I'll go with Dicko to free the other Sex Lords. If she tries anything, I'll hit a homerun on her skull!
Kinky! The dungeon is this way!
(mitto rolls his eyes as he follows dicko. clocko and the club gods go through a portal, reappearing in the sex colony throne room. the place is set up like a wedding ceremony, pews filling the room. snacko and cooko are in a corner, slaving away at a cake. chasto is at her throne, a maid doing her makeup)
Clocko, you've made it! I was hoping my invitation wasn't caught in the mail.
Chasto, We Need To Talk. I've Recieved Complaints From Other Lords About Your Regime Changes. You're Stomping On Personal Freedoms!
So I am. Clocko, you've no idea what it's like living in this depraved Colony! The constant perversion, the lack of morals, the endless sex!
Wow, that sounds so awful...
Can you blame me for trying to add some order into this colony? Then, I saw the debauchery you gods get involved in, and I knew that to save common decency, drastic steps would need to be taken.
(next to the time and club lords, a dark green leaf shaped portal with red edges appeared, a cloud of smoke standing inside it. two bloodshot eyes opened in the middle of it.)
Clocko, it's been a while. Still getting your ass kicked?
The Last Time I Checked, Danke, The Time Colony Was Victorious In The Great Colony War.
(clubbo and pimpy are disgusted)
You're getting married to Danke? The biggest druggie in all of beta earth?! Aren't you supposed to be temperate?
Danke is rather...unrepentant in regards to his vices. But we both see this alliance as beneficial.
(danke rolled up a blunt inside the portal)
The Sex and Kush Colony's combined firepower is gonna tear beta earth up.
Indeed, Danke. And from the ashes, a new parthenon of gods will be created. One with a sense of class and dignity.
man i KNEW we shoulda gone with cucko! he wouldn't go for something like this!
You are a lord of quality, Clocko. The Club Lords' revelry sullies them, but you could join us in the new era.
fuck you too, bitch! my ugliest girl is prettier than you!
Not Likely, Chasto. I See Now That We Made A Grand Mistake Bringing You Into Power.
(clocko summoned his time sword and clubbo's hands glowed purple. pimpy pulled out an uzi from his coat)
Now Stand Down.
And to think, I had such great plans for you, Clocko.
(chasto snapped her fingers and cooko and snacko turned from the cake to approach the gods. in another corner, ballo is beckoned to the others from talking with a crowd of children and women. the mind controlled gods summon their weapons)
Oh Dear...
...
(below the castle, mitto and dicko are sneaking around, finally arriving in the dungeon. the cells are filled to the brim with the lords of the colony and their loyalists)
Hot damn, everyone's here. Bimbo, Cucko, Preggo, even Babbo?!
(a baby in a cell goo-goos. next to his cell, a man with a long blonde beard and no clothing grabs onto the bars)
Dicko, you came back for me!
(dicko races to the cell and clapses the mans hands)
Of course I did, daddy! You would do the same!
Damn right I would. I would come all over your--
Can you two be gross later? What happened to the pornstache, Cocko?
They don't really allow you to shave or do anything down here. So, I'm guessing you figured out the truth about Chasto?
She's being a power hunger bitch. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
It figures. She's always hated how I run the Sex Colony. She was born with a stick in her ass. Just a shame it wasn't my stick.
As funny as your one liners are, I need to get these lords out so we can beat Chasto!
You won't stand a chance against her, her lust control is too strong.
Ah well, I promised Clocko I wouldn't let you go.
(the dungeon is rocked with rumbling from above)
There isn't much time, Mitto. I heard about how Chasto took Ballo. If we don't stop her, he'll be doomed. You know you gotta let me out.
(mitto thinks, but eventually slams the cell's lock with his bat, knocking it off. dicko opens the door and embraces cocko as mitto breaks through the other cells' locks)
Daddy's home, Dicko!
(as the sex lords escape the dungeon, mitto approaches cocko)
No funny business, alright? Or I'm tenderizing your nuts.
Kinky!
...Whatever. how do we beat Chasto?
Brute force is useless. There's only one way...
(cocko whispers something to mitto)
Really? That's how it works?
They don't call me Cocko for nothing!
...
(upstairs, the time and club lords are struggling against the others' combined might. ballo fires a volley of baseballs at clocko, who freezes them in midair. snacko attacks from behind with a pan, hitting clockos back. the god falls to the ground, where clubbo and pimpy also are. the guards and lords surround them. chasto is doing some last minute preening as sex colony citizens are ushered into the throne room.)
This has been an interesting fight, but I have a wedding to deal with. Danke, are you ready?
(the kush lord is smoking yet another joint)
Almost done...pregaming. It's gonna take some time, start the ceremony...
(chasto rolls her eyes, but snaps her fingers. a man at a piano begins playing wedding march on the piano. chasto walks herself from her throne to the center of the room, where an altar and priest are waiting)
Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to witness the union of Sex Lord Chasto and Kush Lord Danke. Allow me to read a chapter from the Book of Jizzesis. The Lord our Rod Cocko--
(chasto clears her throat)
...Chasto, had just created man. And seeing that man was lonely, she took one of his ribs...so he could suck his own dick. Then, seeing that man had become too powerful, she created woman from that rib.
Hm, remind me to have every copy of that filth burned. Could we move on to 'I dos'?
(the doors to the throne room are pushed open, mitto, cocko and dicko walking in. the entire crowd gasps, including clocko)
Cocko! Back from your trip, I see. And still naked.
Look at what you've done to my people, forcing them to wear those fabric shackles! Daddy's home now! Tear off your chains!
(the audience immediately cheers, ripping and taking off their clothes until they are naked like cocko. the guards followed suit, clearly loyal to their original lord. chasto covers her eyes)
Ugh! Disgusting! Danke, eliminate them!
(danke is still in his portal, a little disoriented)
I....just smoked some cali OG kush...so you're kind of on your own, babe.
(the anti-sex lord fumed and the pink tendrils reappeared. all of them flew towards cocko, who generated his own. as their lust controls clashed, cocko edged closer and closer towards chasto. she grits her teeth and yells while cocko keeps his cool)
You're a man who wields his power like an immature teenager! I should be Sex Lord, not you!
(as they get closer and closer, their tendrils now become massive auras. soon, cocko and chasto are face to face)
I think I've got a better position for you!
(grabbing chasto by the back of her hair, he pulls her in and furiously makes out with her. chasto resists his kissing)
Get...away from me, you pig!
man what're you doing cocko?! snap her neck or somethin'!
(try as she might, chasto seems to be no match for cocko's sudden advance. she gets into it as well, the fierce rivals now liplocking in front of the whole crowd. finally, they break apart. chasto is fighting to keep a smile off her face.)
D-damn you, Cocko...
What can I say, I'm a Sex Lord! Now who wants to see me take Chasto to poundtown!
(the sex colonists cheer in approval. no longer at spear point or mind controlled, the other gods get up and gather together)
Could someone tell me what in the fuck is happening? First I'm talking to Chasto about beef wellington, now I'm in the Sex Colony making a cake!
She mind controlled you, Cooko. Then I had to free Cocko, who said that the only way to pacify Chasto is to, y'know...
Give her the hot salami?
Exactly, Snacko.
HOLY SHIT COCKO IS GIVING IT TO HER RAW!!!!
(the audience whoops in approval. the gods shudder)
Alright, now that the day is saved, I'm going home. Coming, Ballo?
MITTO HAS READ BALLO'S MIND. HE BIDS HIS FELLOW LORDS FAREWE--
(a human woman steps in front of him)
AW HELL NO BALLO GET THE FUCK BACK HERE! YOU'RE TAKING ALL OF US BACK TO EARTH! MY TAYSHAWN NEEDS HIS CHILD SUPPORT!
SO DOES MY KID
MINE TOO!
AT THIS TIME, BALLO HUMBLY REQUESTS THAT SOMEONE END HIS SUFFERING! HIS COFFERS WILL NEVER RECOVER FROM THE JUDICIAL SYSTEM!
(ballo opens a portal and reluctantly leaves, the swarm of single mothers coming behind him. clocko, clubbo, and pimpy look at each other)
I Suppose That's It. Cocko Has Return To Power And We Are Back To Square One.
Yup. But hey, this whole alliance thing wasn't so bad. Wanna stop by the Club Colony for a snack?
I'll Take You Up On That Offer, Clubbo.
(clubbo opened a portal and the gods leave the sex colony)
HEY COCKO YOU MIND FUCKING MY WIFE NEXT??