Transcripts/The Barbarian Sublimation

==Season 2 - Episode 03 - The Barbarian Sublimation==
Scene 	Apartment 4A. Sheldon is on the sofa, using his laptop. He is wearing a headset.
Sheldon 	Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Axel's fortress. Now this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check. Alright Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor. (There is banging at the door.)Sheldor is AFK. (Goes out to find Penny having trouble getting into her apartment.) Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny 	Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.
Sheldon 	You appear to have put your car key in the door lock, are you aware of that?
Penny 	Yeah!
Sheldon 	Alright then. (Turns to return inside. One of the grocery bags Penny is holding falls to the floor spilling groceries.)
Penny 	Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit.
Sheldon 	Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny 	I can't get the damned key out.
Sheldon 	Well that's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.
Penny 	Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon 	You're welcome. Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny 	Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon 	Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure....
Penny 	I know what it means, Sheldon! God, you know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job, I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon 	Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein.
Penny 	(Picking up the bag she has just repacked, whereupon the bottom falls out and the groceries fall to the floor again) Oh, sonofabitch!
Sheldon 	I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag. But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
Penny 	I did, and he said he'll get here when he gets here.
Sheldon 	And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny 	No! I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like flies! (Bursts into tears.)
Sheldon 	There there. (Reluctantly) Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny 	No Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.
Sheldon 	Alright then. (Turns to go inside again.)
Penny 	For God's sake! (Stomps into apartment.)
Sheldon 	Just when I think I’ve gotten the hang of sarcasm.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	Inside the apartment.
Sheldon 	Make yourself comfortable. (Sits in Sheldon’s place.) Not there. (Sits on other end of sofa. Puts feet on table. Sheldon looks disapprovingly. Removes feet from table. Sheldon sits and replaces headset.) Sheldor is back online.
Penny 	Sheldor?
Sheldon 	The Conqueror.
Penny 	What are you doing?
Sheldon 	AFK. I'm playing Age of Conan, an online multiplayer game set in the universe of Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian.
Penny 	Oh.
Sheldon 	Sheldor, back online.
Penny 	What's AFK?
Sheldon 	AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny 	OIC.
Sheldon 	What does that stand for?
Penny 	Oh, I see?
Sheldon 	Yes, but what does it stand for?
Scene 	The stairwell. Leonard arrives and sees the spilled groceries. A cat is lapping at a spilled pot of ice-cream. Cut to inside. Penny now has the laptop, Sheldon is instructing her.
Sheldon 	Now just click on the enchanted boots to put them on.
Penny 	Oh, I don't know. Can I see them in another color?
Sheldon 	Just click on them. Congratulations, you are now a level three warrior.
Leonard 	What's going on?
Penny 	Leonard, guess what, I'm a level three warrior.
Leonard 	Great, you know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny 	Yeah yeah yeah, shhh!
Leonard 	I only bring it up because your ice-cream is melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.
Penny 	Uh-huh, yeah, do I stay in the jungle or go towards the beach?
Sheldon 	It doesn't matter, right now you're looking for treasure.
Penny 	Okay. (Leonard motions for Sheldon to talk in the kitchen.) Wait, wait, where are you going?
Sheldon 	You're okay, if you run into crocodiles just kick them with your boots.
Leonard 	Want to catch me up?
Sheldon 	Well let's see, uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key, because her face is overly Midwestern, um, she hasn't had sex in six months, and she ate a fly.
Leonard 	Uh-huh. Seriously, six months?
Penny 	Oh my God, a treasure chest, I'm rich!
Sheldon 	Level three and she thinks she's rich! What a noob.
Scene 	The apartment. Raj is pouring a white liquid into the main dish of a stereo speaker covered in cling film.
Raj 	Okay, we’re all set.
Howard 	Let her rip.
 	(Leonard turns on stereo with a remote. Rhythmic bass-heavy music plays. The liquid begins dancing on the speaker.)
Penny 	(Entering, carrying a laptop) Hi!
Leonard 	Hey, check it out, it's just corn starch and water.
Sheldon 	They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard 	That's what makes it get all funky.
Penny 	Yeah, okay. Listen, I need to talk to Sheldon.
Howard 	(After Raj whispers in his ear) No, that's what she said, Sheldon.
Penny 	Okay, look, I bought the game, and I’ve been exploring the Island of Tordage but I can't figure out how to get past the guard captain.
Sheldon 	Do you have the enchanted sword?
Penny 	No, no, I’ve a bronze dagger.
Sheldon 	You can't slay the guard captain with a bronze dagger, my Lord it's like the car key in your apartment door all over again.
Penny 	Alright, alright, how do I get the sword?
Sheldon 	Well, have you been to the Temple of Mithra?
Penny 	Is that the place on the hill with the weird priests in front of it?
Sheldon 	No, no, no, it's... oh for God's sakes, gimme. (Takes laptop.)
Penny 	Thank you, I really appreciate this.
Sheldon 	You're going to have to learn to do these things for yourself, Penny.
Penny 	Don't patronize me, just get the sword.
Howard 	What the frak?
Leonard 	Beats me. They were playing all last night too.
Raj 	It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard 	Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj 	I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian?
Leonard 	No, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty's just athletic.
Sheldon 	There you go, one enchanted sword.
Penny 	Right, gimme, gimme, gimme, I want to kill the guard captain. (Leaves).
Sheldon 	That girl needs to get a life.
Scene 	Sheldon's bedroom. There is a knock on the door. Penny enters.
Penny 	(Whispering) Sheldon. (Sing-song) Shel-don.
Sheldon 	Danger, danger.
Penny 	No danger, look, it's just me, Penny, look, I got to level 25 and reached Purple Lotus Swamp, right?
Sheldon 	You're in my bedroom.
Penny 	Yeah. Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon 	People can't be in my bedroom.
Penny 	Okay, well can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon 	I'm not wearing pajama bottoms.
Penny 	Why not?
Sheldon 	I spilled grape juice.
Penny 	Well, wear different pajamas.
Sheldon 	I can't wear different pajamas, these are my Monday pajamas. Penny, people cannot be in my bedroom.
Penny 	Okay, just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the Black Castle?
Sheldon 	You were invited on a quest to the Black Castle?
Penny 	Yeah, yeah, by some guys in Budapest, I'm just not sure it's the right move for my character.
Sheldon 	Of course it's not, you're only a level 25, the Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.
Penny 	Really? Boy, you'd think you could trust a horde of Hungarian barbarians.
 	Cut to Leonard, exiting his bedroom.
Sheldon 	(Off) Please Penny, enough, I have to sleep.
Penny 	(Off) Okay, well you were great, thanks. (Comes out door) Oh, hey Leonard, listen, don't got in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms.
Leonard 	(Knocking on door) Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
Scene 	Dr Gablehauser's office at Caltech. Sheldon and Leslie are standing across the desk.
Gablehauser 	People, I am very busy today.
Sheldon 	I realize that Dr Gablehauser but it is your job, as head of the department, to mediate all inter-departmental disputes. University policy manual chapter four, subsection two, mediation of inter-departmental disputes.
Gablehauser 	Fine. Dr Winkle, what colorful name did you call Dr Cooper this time?
Leslie 	Dr Dumbass.
Gablehauser 	Dr Cooper, Dr Winkle apologizes.
Sheldon 	No she doesn't.
Leslie 	No I don't.
Sheldon 	Here's the problem. I was clearly signed up to use the mainframe in Buckman 204, and Dr Winkle just wantonly ripped the sign-up sheet off the wall.
Leslie 	It wasn't even an official sign-up sheet. He printed it himself and he put his name down in every slot for the next six months.
Sheldon 	If it is a crime to ensure that the universities resources are not being squandered chasing sub-atomic wild geese then I plead guilty. (His phone rings.) Oh, Penny!
Gablehauser 	You need to get that Dr Cooper?
Sheldon 	God, no.
Leslie 	Well don't turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.
Sheldon 	Oh yeah, well, you wouldn't even be nominated. Dr Gablehauser, I have a series of important multi-bit calculations and simulations to run. All she's doing is reducing irrelevant data and making a mock...
Gablehauser 	(As phone rings) Excuse me. Gablehauser. (Holding phone out to Sheldon)It's for you.
Sheldon 	Hello. Penny, this is not a good time. No, I told you, you're not prepared for the Sanctum of Burning Souls. You need to be in a group of at least five for that quest, and one should be a level 35 healer. Penny, I can't log on and help you. We'll talk when I get home. (Puts phone down) I'm not getting the computing time, am I?
Leslie 	Dumbass.
Scene 	The apartment. Sheldon enters.
Sheldon 	Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She is interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.
Leonard 	Why should I do something, you're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon 	Well, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd simply restrained yourself none of this would be happening.
Leonard 	Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone.
Sheldon 	I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic twitter. I even changed my Facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don't know what else to do.
Leonard 	Well, what am I supposed to do?
Sheldon 	I don't know, but if you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard 	You mean, up until now we’ve been experiencing the happy funtime Sheldon?
Sheldon 	Yes.
Leonard 	I'll go talk to her.
Scene 	Penny's apartment. She is on her laptop and talking into a headset.
Penny 	No, Fritz, I need you on my flank. No, I don't know German. Flankenzie, flankenzie!
Leonard 	(Knocking and entering) Hey Penny.
Penny 	Busy.
Leonard 	Yeah, I see that. Shouldn't you be at work?
Penny 	I don't work on Mondays.
Leonard 	It's Thursday. Listen, Penny.
Penny 	Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard 	Okay, um, here's the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny 	Yeah, get to the point, I'm about to level up here.
Leonard 	Well, i-i-i-it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny 	Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope's back online.
Leonard 	Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair.
Penny 	(Pulling cheeto out of hair) Oh, thanks. (Eats it.)
Leonard 	Wow.
Scene 	Same – later. Penny is attacking a multi-headed monster with a sword on the screen.A muscular warrior in a cape walks onto the screen.
Warrior 	Hey Penny, it's me again, Leonard.
Penny- warrior 	Leonard, I said not now.
Leonard-warrior 	Yeah, I know, I'm just a little concerned about you.
Penny-warrior 	I said not now. (Chops off his head.)
Leonard-warrior's head	Okay, maybe later.
Scene 	The university lunch room.
Raj 	Hey guys.
Leonard and Howard 	Hey.
Raj 	(Indicating Sheldon) Hey, what's with him?
Leonard 	Penny's been keeping him up at night.
Howard 	Me too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard 	She's gotten really hooked on Age of Conan, she's playing non-stop.
Raj 	Ah, yes, online gaming addiction. There's nothing worse than having that multi-player monkey on your back.
Leonard 	Sheldon, wake up.
Sheldon 	Danger, danger.
Leslie 	(Arriving) Afternoon men. Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Oh yeah, well your attempt at juvenilizing me by excluding me from the set of adult males.... oh, I'm too tired to do this.
Leslie 	Right, I heard you've been pulling all nighters with middle-earth Barbie.
Sheldon 	She comes into my room. No-one's supposed to be in my room.
Leslie 	Well, I would postulate that she's escaping into the online world to compensate for her sexual frustration.
Howard 	I do that too. But probably in a different way.
Leonard 	That's not what she's doing, Leslie, she's just trying to shore up her self esteem, it has nothing to do with sex.
Leslie 	Everything has to do with sex.
Howard 	Mmmm, testify. (Puts up hand for a hand slap.)
Leslie 	I'm not touching that.
Leonard 	Leslie, you are way off base here.
Sheldon 	Hang on, Leonard, while I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist, or a human being for that matter, we have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
Leslie 	Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
Sheldon 	Some what? Oh, yes, some sexual intercourse.
Howard 	I'll take the bullet.
Leonard 	Excuse me, this whole idea is insane.
Sheldon 	Yeah, yeah, enough debate, I'm going to take action. (Leans over to a good looking man on a nearby table.) Excuse me, are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
Man 	No.
Sheldon 	Would you like to be?
Man 	Uh, sure, why not?
Leonard 	Sheldon...
Sheldon 	Zip it pip it. Can I have your phone number?
Man 	Uh... (checks out Sheldon’s package) Yeah, yeah. (Pulls out pen and writes it on Sheldon’s hand.)
Sheldon 	There, problem solved.
Leslie 	Dumbass.
Scene 	Penny's flat. Penny is on her laptop. Everything around her is littered with empty food packaging and red bull cans. She burps loudly. Sheldon is sitting on the sofa.
Penny 	Okay, I'm at the gate to the Treasury of the Ancients, I'm going in.
Sheldon 	Stay close to the wall. Avoid the mummies.
Penny 	Got it.
Sheldon 	I must say, you're playing very well for a woman of 23?
Penny 	22.
Sheldon 	Right. 22. (Cut to his screen, he is filling in an online dating profile.)
Penny 	Oh, here come the mummies, which spell do I use? The hateful strike, or the frenzy stance?
Sheldon 	What happened to the rest of your group?
Penny 	I dumped them, they're a bunch of wussies.
Sheldon 	Frenzy stance.
Penny 	Frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy, frenzy!
Sheldon 	So listen, would you describe your ideal vacation as a wild adventure to unknown lands, or staying at home curled up with a good book?
Penny 	What?
Sheldon 	These are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game.
Penny 	Oh, okay, wild adventure. Oh, frenzy stance isn't working, die you undead mummy, die!
Sheldon 	Drink a healing potion.
Penny 	Thank you.
Sheldon 	You're welcome. Anyhow, on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him, and 5 being always initiated by you, how do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
Penny 	That's on the registration?
Sheldon 	Oh yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, we get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.
Penny 	Ooh, awesome, okay, I totally like to initiate I'm a big old five.
Sheldon 	Good to know. Big old five.
Scene 	The apartment. Leonard enters. There is a strange man sitting on the sofa.
Leonard 	Hello.
Man 	Hi.
Sheldon 	Leonard, this is Tom.
Leonard 	Hi Tom. Sheldon? Didn't I explain to you about your little mistake in the cafeteria?
Sheldon 	Yes, you were very clear, as was everyone else at the table. Tom, however, has been chosen by science as a suitable mate for Penny.
Leonard 	Chosen by science?
Sheldon 	Well, what passes for science on dating sites. They claim to use heuristic algorithms, but it may well be hokum.
Leonard 	You got Penny to sign up for online dating?
Sheldon 	No, of course not. No, I used trickery and deceit.
Leonard 	This is bad.
Sheldon 	Tom is a paramedic with the fire department, but he's going to med school at night, uh, he likes the outdoors, and, uh, strong women who initiate sex.
Leonard 	Really, really bad.
Sheldon 	I'm surprised you struck out with Penny. Apparently she's a big old five.
Penny 	(Entering, looking ratty in baggy clothes and with her hair unwashed) Sheldon, what do you want.
Sheldon 	Oh, good, you got my note. Penny, I'd like you to meet Tom, uh, Penny, this is Tom, Tom, may I present Penny.
Tom 	Hi Penny.
Penny 	Yeah, Hi, listen, as long as I'm here, I'm on a quest with a bunch of noobs, they don't know what they're doing, we’ve got one assassin, three spellcasters and no tank.
Sheldon 	Can we talk about this later.
Penny 	No, no, no, no, I need you now.
Sheldon 	But wouldn't you prefer to socialize with Tom, who is a sexually passive outdoorsman.
Penny 	Whatever, I'll figure it out myself.
Tom 	Bye, Penny. I'm sorry, dude, she didn't look anything like her picture.
Leonard 	They never do.
Scene 	Inside the game. Penny-warrior is standing next to a battle horse.
Warrior 	Hello, fair Penny.
Penny-warrior 	Who are you?
Warrior 	It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny-warrior 	Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny 	Oh my God, I need help. (Closes laptop and throws it away.)
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 2 (The Big Bang Theory)