Great Uncle SquarePants

Great Uncle SquarePants is a SpongeBob fanon episode from Season 286. In this episode, SpongeBob's great uncle moves to Bikini Bottom.
== Transcript ==
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick. My great-uncle is moving to Bikini Bottom today.
Patrick: Great-uncle? How come I've never heard of this great-uncle?
SpongeBob: He lives miles away. In the Mediterranean Sea.
Patrick: Oh cool! Why is he moving?
SpongeBob: He says it gets too cold in the winter.
Patrick: You know what they say. You get too old, the world gets too cold.
SpongeBob: Patrick, he's only 37.
Patrick: 37?!
SpongeBob: Yeah, last time I checked. In 1963. I wonder when he'll arrive?
Patrick Jr: Hey! You! [Points at SpongeBob] How come you were so old earlier? And how come you were so mean to me?
SpongeBob: Oh. He must've arrived already.
[Bubble transition to Krusty Krab]
Great Uncle SquarePants: You call this a burger? The lettuce is too thin! There's not enough sesame seeds! There's mustard instead of the ketchup I asked for! There's ketchup instead of the mustard I asked for! I asked for it medium rare, not raw! And I asked for no pickles!
SpongeBob: Great uncle, I made that burger! And you never asked not to have pickles.
Great Uncle SquarePants: Also the bread's too stale.
SpongeBob: But great uncle, the wheat used to make it was only harvested half an hour ago.
Great Uncle SquarePants: Yeah, well, I bet they harvested it all wrong! Back in my day, they always harvested it properly, by cutting each strand individually with fine scissors and leaving it in the sun for 2 hours!
SpongeBob: Great uncle, the field the wheat was growing in was twice the size of the Caribbean. You can't do that with every strand of wheat.
Great Uncle SquarePants: Pah! Back in my day fields were the size of the Atlantic Ocean but that didn't stop them taking time and effort into harvesting the wheat! I've had better burgers during the war before burgers had even been invented!
Patrick Jr: Hey, SpongeBob, how come there's two of you? And how come one of you has aged 80 years?
SpongeBob: Patrick Jr, this is my great uncle. He hates everything. Especially you.
Great Uncle SquarePants: That's not true! I...
SpongeBob: OK, he hates everything after the 1950s.
Great Uncle SquarePants: Eh, can't argue with that.
Patrick Jr: Here's my story. Once upon a time, there...
Great Uncle SquarePants: Gah! I've had enough of that fat burgundy blob!
Patrick Jr: Hey! I'm not burgundy, I'm indigo!
Great Uncle SquarePants: You know, my boy, back in my day... YOU WEREN'T FREAKING BORN YET!!!!
Patrick Jr: You didn't let me finish my story yet! Once upon a time there was an old cranky idiot who hated everything...
French Narrator: Later that day
[Patrick Jr is in the hospital, in a full body cast]
Bubble Bass: Ooh, I definitely shouldn't have eaten that many krabby patties in one day... So how'd you get in here?
Patrick Jr: I told an old man a story and for some reason he got mad and chased me. When he caught me...
Bubble Bass: Yes?
Patrick Jr: He spanked me and said back in his day kids had more manners. And then later I fell down the stairs.
French Narrator: Back at the Krusty Krab
[Great Uncle SquarePants is spanking Patrick Jr]
Great Uncle SquarePants: Back in my day, kids had more manners!
Patrick Jr: Sorry, Shirley
Great Uncle SquarePants: Back in my day, we didn't call our elders by their first names! We called them sir!
Patrick Jr: Sorry, Sire
Great Uncle SquarePants: SIR, NOT SIRE!!!
Patrick Jr: Oh sorry. I thought you were older than you actually were.
SpongeBob: Why don't you head to my house?
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's pineapple]
SpongeBob: Why don't we playa board game? Like, what about Eels and Escalators? Or Patrick! The Game?
Great Uncle SquarePants: Eels and Escalators, eh? Escalators are new fangled nonsense, anyway. Back in my day, there was nothing wrong with a good old set of stairs! We didn't need techynology to do simple tasks! I refuse to play a game featuring anything invented after 1940.
SpongeBob: But great uncle, the first working escalator was built in 1896. And besides, you needed a chair lift to be able to get up the stairs in my house.
Great Uncle SquarePants: THAT'S CAUSE I'M TOO OLD TO CLIMB STAIRS, GODDAMMIT!!!
SpongeBob: What game do you suggest playing, great uncle?
Great Uncle SquarePants: What about Certified Public Accountant?
French Narrator: Later
Great Uncle SquarePants: Bad news, SpongeBob. The stock you invested in dropped by half a point. I guess you'll have to deduct money from your mortgages or else you'll be unable to deduct any tax income.
SpongeBob: Barnacles
Great Uncle SquarePants: Don't feel bad. My father bought stock just before the Wall Street Crash of 1929. 
SpongeBob: Wait. How come we're referencing American economics if we live under the sea?
Great Uncle SquarePants: My father lived within the maritime borders of the United States.
SpongeBob: Ah.
[Bubble transition to later]
Great Uncle SquarePants: So how much do they pay you a week?
Squidward: A nickel. Mr Krabs is such a cheapskate, he...
Great Uncle SquarePants: A nickel?! Pah! Consider yerself lucky! Why, when I was your age, I was only paid a dime a week!
Squidward: But a dime is more than...
Great Uncle SquarePants: SILENCE!!! Back in my day, we didn't talk back to our elders! In fact, in my first job, I only got paid a penny every day!
Squidward: But that's seven cents a week, which is still more than...
Great Uncle SquarePants: I - said - to - be - SILENT!!!
Squidward: OK
Great Uncle SquarePants: SpongeBob was a lot better back in the olden days. I remember when it was first released, I was a young and skimpy lad.
Squidward: You were in your 70s. 
Great Uncle SquarePants: Same difference. The first three seasons are the only good ones to me. I say, if it's after the first movie, it's pure and utter trash.
Squidward: Oh, so you're a SPONGEboomer as well as a boomer, huh?
Great Uncle SquarePants: I am NOT a boomer! When the first boomers were being born, I'd had my first job for 4 years! Why, when I were your age, boomers were still being born!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's pineapple]
SpongeBob: Gee, Great Uncle SquarePants sure is a handful. Lucky he's living in a house about five miles away, like he said.
[SpongeBob walks out his back door and walks into the wall of a new building]
SpongeBob: Waaah...
Great Uncle SquarePants: Oh, sorry. Did I say I was moving to a place five miles away? I meant five inches.
SpongeBob: NOOOO!!!
[Episode ends]
== Gallery ==
File:Greatunclesquarepants.png|SpongeBob's great uncle
== Reviews ==
Primitive Star: 9/10 Great episode, some of the jokes felt kinda weak but others I really liked
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