Blood 53

Chapter 53
Turns out Aydindril is under attack by the Red Sheep. Why? Who the hell knows? In any case, Kahlan notes that “There must be well over a hundred thousand.”
. . . yeah, no. Remember back in chapter 43 when I complained about Richard mobilizing 100,000 men on the spur of the moment? Still stupid. That is a lot of men. Like, the entire armed forces of multiple nations. That's not a figure the Inquisition-ripoff should be able to casually throw around. \~/ Especially since, by all rights, they should be fighting a civil war back in Nicobaritaly, and at least some of their forces are down in Europe, fighting their own allies for no good reason.
Also, there are supposed to be two hundred thousand D'Haran soldiers loitering around this stupid city. The defenders have their enemies outnumbered two-to-one and they're still losing. I described this scene to a history-savvy friend, and he said “[the attackers'] best hope is that the defenders are so demoralized that the mere fact they're being attacked drives them from the walls.”
D'Haran soldiers suck. \~/
Ah, but it's not their fault! See, the Misters are fighting as well . . . for some reason . . . and “These men had no defense against mriswith.” Okay, I agree that invisibility is a terrific power, but Misters are flesh-and-blood, and their weapons are glorified steak knives. Yes, they'll be dangerous, but they lack good weapons, armor, and coordination with the Red Sheep. Also, there are only supposed to be a few hundred of them. They might do some damage, but against a force of 200,000? They're a horsefly attacking a bull. They're going to die. Period.
But that wouldn't be dramatic, so Richard orders some soldiers to drag Kahlan off to safety and then stalks dramatically forward to do battle, and if I have to read this, so do you:
“His head turned, the eyes of death seeking the walking dead. Through the twin storms of the sword's wrath and his own anger, he heard nothing but the howling fury inside, yet he knew he needed more. In staccato succession he felled all the barriers and loosed all the magic, holding back nothing. He was one with the spirits within, with the magic, with the need. He was the true Seeker, and more.”
\~/\~/
This sort of overdramatic teen poetry goes on for about three pages as Richard runs around slicing up Misters. No, even though we've seen his magic kill hundreds of people at once with pinpoint accuracy, he elects to go after them with his sword and kill them one at a time. Brilliant. \~/ Also boring, which seems to be the theme of the last couple of chapters. How do you make a battle of over 300,000 men and some invisible lizardmen boring?
Suddenly, a deus ex machina appears! You remember Gratch, the flying furry monster? He's back, along with hundreds of other Fish! Yes! And they all swoop in out of nowhere and start murdering Misters with impeccable timing. \~/ 
Really, Terry? Really?!
That doesn't hurt my suspension of disbelief at all, but only because it was murdered and tossed in a ditch two books back.
Also, a bunch of Keltish soldiers show up. Wow, the convenience just staggers the mind. \~/ The Keltish commander, Baldwin, dumps some exposition, grovels to Kahlan, and comments that “We have half our force spread out behind just in case these traitorous bastards try to escape.”
Those . . . hundred thousand traitorous bastards.
Half your force.
How many men did the Keltans bring?! \~/
Ugh. Let's just stagger through this nonsense.
The Dominatrices and the Aryan Boys show up. Berdine says that the Misters were wizards who traded their power for the ability to become invisible. Seems like a pretty lousy trade to me. The Fish were created by Richard's ancestor, Alric Rahl, to combat the Misters, which is why their eyes glow green. Also, Fish who associate with wizards become Fish leaders, which oh-so-conveniently allowed Gratch to become King of the Fish.
God, this is stupid.
Richard notices that the Red Sheep are flying white flags, but the D'Harans (and, one presumes, the Keltans and the Fish) are slaughtering them regardless. Richard declares that he's putting a stop to this, which Kahlan argues against since “We have sworn to kill the Order to a man.”
Richard replies that if they know there's no chance of mercy, the Order will fight to the last man, but if they know Richard accepts surrenders they'll be more willing to surrender and fewer people need die. This extremely basic example of military logic is portrayed as both merciful and ingenious, because of course it is. He finds a Red Sheep officer and accepts the man's surrender, learning that they were being given orders by the Misters, and some in their dreams by Jagang.
Here's a question: why do the Misters care about one group of humans killing another group of humans?
Richard instructs the Red Sheep to swear loyalty to the glory that is himself, and they all bow down and worship him. Kahlan strokes his ego a bit more, saying that "You have just changed the rules of war, Richard." Because prior to this, any conflict was inevitably a war of mutual annihilation. \~/
Now it's time for a happy reunion, as Richard reunites with Gratch, one of the few characters in this series I still kinda like. To summarize, Gratch delivered Zedd to Aydindril but thinks he's dead now. Gratch is also King of the Fish, because of course he is, and has a hot Fish wife. Richard deduces that Gratch wants to live among his own kind and “put on his best smile” (a reminder that the Gratch/Richard friendship actually mostly works) and encourages Gratch to do just that, but to visit any time. Also, the Fish promise not to eat humans any more, and Richard promises that humans will no longer hunt Fish.
So.
That was a thing.
Drinks: 9
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