Life in Alaska

This is the fifteenth episode of The SBFW Chronicles.
==Transcript==
(The episode begins with a random family having a birthday party)
Mom: Happy birthday, Ignacio!
Ignacio: Yay! I'm 7 now!
Mom: (singing) Happy birthday to yo-
(Golf shows up out of nowhere and slaps the birthday cake off the table)
Golf: BIRTHDAYS ARE UNPRODUCTIVE! Imagine caring about someone's birthday other than Jesus Christ himself.
Ignacio: Look kid, I don't give a shit.
Golf: Language.
Ignacio: Your point being?
Golf: Inappropriate language is unproductive. You have to strive for productivity in this productive world. NO BREAKS! FULL STEAM AHEAD! (disappears)
Mom (putting a new cake on the table): Good thing we have a spare.
Dad: How the fuck did you know-
(Cut to Golf back on his iPad at home)
Golf: Imagine using a computer. That is very unproductive. (he then opens Discord)
Golf (on Discord): Attention all United Server members, Bernie Sanders shall be removed from this earth! Remove him at all costs! Place him on Uranus for all I care!
Dan: (snickering)
Golf: THIS IS SERIOUS! 
(Dan gets put in federal prison)
Dan: Oh COME ON!
Prim: Join the club, dude. I got imprisoned for saying how hot Greg’s mom is.
Golf: Do not use that kind of language.
Prim: What, the word “hot”?
Golf: Yes.
Prim: You can't be serious.
Golf: I am completely serious. And I will also deport you if you keep up this behavior.
(Golf gets a notification from Facebook)
Golf: Ooh, a video about Palestinians being treated unfairly! Click!
(Later…)
Aaron: Man how I love listening to rock music.
(Aaron has an entire rock pushed up to his ear)
Aaron: This is a straight up BANGER!
(He gets a notification on his laptop, and puts down the rock)
Dan: What's wrong with Bernie? He'd help this broken country tenfold.
Golf: Nope. He would devastate the poor.
Dan: That's the exact OPPOSITE of what he'd do.
Aaron: What Dan said.
Golf: YOU! YOU WERE STALIN’S BEAVER!
Aaron: Golf what the fuck
Golf: I will report all of you to Discord’s administration staff.
Dan: Lmaooooooooooooooooooo nice try Golf.
Golf: I'm serious.
Dan: Oh yeah? Try me.
Kelpy: Golf you know you have no power on discord. It's not gonna work.
Golf: Fine. Have it your way. (he turns off his iPad and goes outside) Maybe I should go touch some grass.
(Golf reaches for some grass and touches it)
Golf: Oh my god that feels so good. Not as good as strawberries however. Nothing can beat a strawberry. Speaking of strawberries…
(One agonizing hour later…)
Golf: Ah, much better. Now to waste my money on attacking Bernie Sanders for no reason. That's my favorite pastime behind penetrating strawberries.
(Golf is on the United discord server again)
Golf: Per section code 5 of the national emergency, anyone who is NOT in the Stan Biden Club must leave that server or face consequences here. We will not accept supporters of Stalinists such as Bernie Sanders, and you will be immediately deported.
You have 24 hours to evacuate. An evacuation check will be done at 8:00 p.m. tomorrow eastern.
Aaron: Golf wtf this is bullshit.
Golf: Do not use that kind of unproductive language.
Aaron: You're literally the only one who has a problem with Bernie on this server. Don't you know how many Bernie supporters are on this server right now?
Golf: Don't be ridiculous. Only Stalinists would support such a communist figure. In fact, I will do a poll. Vote thumbs down if you support Bernie, and vote thumbs up if you don't. Hint: Thumbs up is the right answer.
(Everyone except golf votes thumbs down)
Golf: WHAT?! YOU’RE ALL STALIN’S MONKEYS?!
Elli: Hey you're the one who said it in the first place.
Golf: No big deal. I still have a few ten million dollars to spare for the Bernie fund. And no, I'm not a millionaire. I don't live in Venezuela.
Aaron: You live in Alaska.
Golf: No. But Alaska is the best US state.
Aaron: Hmm.
Liz: Okay guys, hot or cold weather?
Golf: I cannot stand anything above freezing.
Liz: I knew you were a penguin!
Golf: No I am not.
Aaron: Cmon, golf, you can admit it.
Golf: Penguins live in Antarctica. I live in Alaska.
Aaron: HA! Caught in 4K.
Golf: You don't even have a 4K camera.
Aaron: You don't know that. (he posts a picture of him holding a camera)
Golf: Nope. Well, I have to go do something productive now.
(5 minutes later…)
Golf: Behold our server’s latest bot: Piggy!
Bot: :hahaaaa:
Golf: There is nothing funny about Piggy.
Piggy: Oink oink motherfucker.
Golf: Oh dear. Poor bot.
(Golf bans the bot from the server)
Bot: Aw I was beginning to like him.
Golf: It is obvious that Piggy doesn't know true Christian values.
Liz: I'm agnostic.
Golf: Whatever, Stalin’s tree frog. You're almost as terrible as Usama Bin 
Laden.
Liz: It's Osama, Golf.
Golf: The FBI is more reliable than your silly search engine, swine.
Bot: You banned Piggy, and I'll never forgive you for that.
Golf: Again, I don't care.
Aaron: Would you not care if we all left the server?
Golf: In that case, good riddance. I didn't need any of you communists anyway. I can get to 50 members on my own.
(Everyone leaves the server)
Golf: Shi-
(End)
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