Transcripts/The Porkchop Indeterminacy

==Season 1 - Episode 15 - The Porkchop Indeterminacy==
Scene 	A corridor at Caltech.
Leonard 	On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the super collider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the Earth ending life as we know it.
Raj 	Psh, what a bunch of crybabies. No guts, no glory man.
Leonard 	(Looking at an orange notice on the noticeboard) Hey, check it out, the school of pharmacology is looking for volunteers.
Raj 	We are testing a new medication for social anxiety, panic attacks, agoraphobia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Why would they be looking for test subjects here?
Leonard 	I don't know, Raj. Maybe the comic book store doesn't have a bulletin board. (Sees crowds in the corridor) What's going on?
Howard 	Shhh! Hot girl in Sheldon's office.
Leonard 	Sheldon's office? Is she lost?
Howard 	Don't think so. I followed her here from the parking lot.
Leonard 	Maybe she's his lawyer.
Howard 	Well she's free to examine my briefs.
Leonard 	Howard...
Howard 	I know, I'm disgusting, I should be punished. By her, oh look, I did it again.
Girl 	Well, that should do it.
Sheldon 	Thank you for coming by. (He rises from his desk. Everyone rushes to look nonchalant.) Hello.
Leonard 	Oh, hey buddy.
Sheldon 	Buddy.
Howard 	Sorry I'm late, I'm working on a project that may take me up on the next space shuttle.
Sheldon 	How can you be late, I wasn't expecting you at all.
Howard 	Nobody ever expects me, sometimes you just look and... BAM! (shakes girl’s hand) Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard 	Sheldon, are you going to introduce us?
Sheldon 	Oh, alright, this is Missy, Missy this is Leonard and Rajesh and you've already met Howard.
Missy 	It's nice to meet you.
Leonard 	You too, swell, also.
Howard 	Yeah.
Leonard 	So, how do you two know each other.
Missy 	Oh, he once spent nine months with my legs wrapped around his head.
Leonard 	Excuse me?
Sheldon 	She's my twin sister, she thinks she's funny, but frankly I’ve never been able to see it.
Missy 	It's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon 	How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?
Howard 	Well, I think you're delightfully droll. Or as the French say, Tres Drole.
Missy 	Okay, so let me see if I got this. Leonard, Howard and... I'm sorry what was your name again. (Raj looks uncomfortable, turns and walks away, disappears round corner. He then reappears, takes the orange paper from the noticeboard and leaves again.)
Sheldon 	Rajesh.
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	The same.
Leonard 	So Missy, what brings you all the way from Texas?
Howard 	Was it perhaps destiny, I think it was destiny.
Missy 	My friend's getting married in Disneyland tomorrow night.
Howard 	Destiny, thy name is Anaheim.
Missy 	And I had to drop off some papers for Shelly to sign for my dad's estate.
Sheldon 	The papers could have been mailed, Mom just sent you here to spy on me, didn't she.
Missy 	I guess that's why they call you a genius.
Sheldon 	They call me a genius because I'm a genius. Tell Mom that I currently weigh 165 pounds, and that I'm having regular bowel movements. Enjoy the wedding, goodbye.
Leonard and Howard together	Woah, woah.
Leonard 	If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?
Missy 	Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon 	They were not friends, they were imaginary colleagues.
Leonard 	Look, you're here, we have plenty of room.
Sheldon 	No we don't.
Howard 	Come on, Shelly, she's family.
Sheldon 	So what? I don't issue invitations to your mother.
Missy 	Well it would be nice not to have to drive out to Anaheim in rush hour.
Sheldon 	And don't ever call me Shelly.
Leonard 	So it's settled. You'll stay with us.
Howard 	I'll walk you to your car. You're in structure 3 level C, right?
Sheldon 	What just happened?
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Missy 	So anyway, we’re eight years old, and Sheldon converts my easy-bake oven to some kind of high-powered furnace.
Leonard 	Hee-hee, just classic.
Sheldon 	I needed a place to fire ceramic semi-conductor substrates for home-made integrated circuits.
Missy 	He was trying to build some kind of armed robot to keep me out of his room.
Sheldon 	Made necessary by her insistence on going into my room.
Missy 	Anyway, I go to make those little corn muffins they give you, there's a big flash, next thing you know my eyebrows are gone.
Howard 	Ha-ha, not your eyebrows?
Missy 	Yep. I had to go through the entire second grade with crooked eyebrows my Mom drew on.
Sheldon 	Is that what that was? I just assumed that the second grade curriculum had rendered you quizzical.
Penny 	(Knocking and entering, holding up a pair of superman undershorts.) Hey, Leonard, you left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
Leonard 	Those are not mine.
Penny 	Really, they have your little name label in them.
Leonard 	Yeah, no, I do, I use those... uh... just to polish up my... spear-fishing equipment. I spear fish. When I'm not crossbow hunting, I spear fish. Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy. Missy, this is our neighbor Penny.
Missy 	Hi.
Penny 	Wow, you don't look that much alike.
Howard 	Can I get a hallelujah.
Sheldon 	Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs, they are no more alike than any other siblings.
Howard 	Hallelujah.
Raj 	(Running in)Hey, guess what. I’ve been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
Penny 	Hey, good for you, Raj.
Raj 	Yes, I'm very hopeful. Hello Missy. (He waves his hand. It keeps waving.) They mentioned there may be side effects.
Scene 	The same, later.
Raj 	So, Missy. Have you ever met a man from the exotic subcontinent of India?
Missy 	Well, there's Dr Patel at our church.
Raj 	Ah yes, Dr Patel, good man.
Howard 	Do you like motorcycles, ‘cos I ride a hog.
Raj 	A hog? You have a two-cylinder scooter with a basket on the front.
Howard 	You still have to wear a helmet.
Raj 	Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
Missy 	The sex book?
Raj 	The Indian sex book. In other words, if you wonder wonder who wrote the book of love, it was us.
Penny 	(To Leonard) Hey, Sheldon's sister's pretty cute, I w....
Leonard 	I wasn't staring!
Penny 	I didn't say you were, I just said she was cute.
Leonard 	Oh. Huh, um, maybe, if you like women who are tall... and perfect.
Penny 	Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon 	I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you.
Leonard 	I brought snacks.
Missy 	Oh my! Gherkins and....
Leonard 	Onion dip, it's onion dip.
Missy 	Oh.
Leonard 	We don't entertain much.
Raj 	Missy, do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy 	I guess.
Raj 	We Indians invented them. You're welcome.
Howard 	Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. You're welcome!
Penny 	Missy, I'm going to go get my nails done. Do you want to come?
Missy 	God yes. Thanks.
Penny 	You're welcome.
Missy 	Bye guys.
Howard 	Bye Missy.
Leonard 	Bye Missy, see you.
Penny 	Goodbye Leonard!
Leonard 	Uh, yeah, no, uh, bye Penny.
Howard 	Okay, you two have to back off.
Raj 	Why should I back off, you back off dude.
Leonard 	Excuse me, this is my apartment and she's my roommate's sister.
Howard 	So what, you've already got Penny.
Leonard 	How do I have Penny? In what universe do I have Penny?
Howard 	So I can have Penny?
Leonard 	Hell, no!
Sheldon 	Excuse me, can I interject something. I'm ordering pizza online, is everyone okay with pepperoni?
Leonard 	Sheldon, can I talk to you in private?
Sheldon 	I guess. Don't worry, I was going to order you cheeseless.
Leonard 	Thank you.
Sheldon 	That's okay. Lactose intolerance is nothing to be embarrassed about.
Howard 	I'm a fancy Indian man, we invented pajamas!
Raj 	Hey, look at me, I don't have a foreskin.
Scene 	Sheldon’s bedroom.
Leonard 	Sheldon, are you aware that your sister is an incredibly attractive woman?
Sheldon 	Hmmm? She certainly has the symmetry and low body fat that western culture deems desirable. It's noteworth that at other points in history, heavier women were the standard for beauty because their girth suggested affluence.
Leonard 	That's fascinating, but I...
Sheldon 	I didn't say it was fascinating, I said it was noteworthy.
Leonard 	Alright, noted. But my point is that Koothrappali and Wolowitz... they're hitting on your sister.
Sheldon 	Oh. Okay. You know, I don't want to criticise your rhetorical style but, we'd be a lot further along in this conversation if you'd begun with that thought.
Leonard 	That's great, but I....
Sheldon 	What I'm saying is that we took quite an unnecessary detour from what I now understand to be your thesis.
Leonard 	Whatever. You have to do something about it.
Sheldon 	Why?
Leonard 	Because she's your sister.
Sheldon 	I don't understand. Yes, we shared a uterus for nine months, but since then we’ve pretty much gone our own separate ways.
Leonard 	Okay, uh.... oh, consider this. With your father gone, it is your responsibility to make sure that Missy chooses a suitable mate.
Sheldon 	I hadn't considered that. We do share DNA.
Leonard 	Uh-huh.
Sheldon 	So there is the possibility, however remote, that resting in her loins is the potential for another individual as remarkable as myself.
Leonard 	Exactly. And, you owe it to yourself and to posterity to protect the genetic integrity of your sister's future offspring.
Sheldon 	You're right. If someone wants to get at Missy's fallopian tubes, they'll have to go through me.
Scene 	The living room. Raj and Howard are on the floor, fighting.
Raj 	I am Shiva the destroyer, I will have the woman!
Howard 	I'm warning you, I was judo champion at math camp.
Sheldon 	Alright, that's enough juvenile squabbling, stop it, stop it I say. I'm going to settle this right now. Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Howard 	Who are you to decide that?
Leonard 	He's the man of his family, you have to respect his wishes.
Sheldon 	You're out too, by the way.
Leonard 	Say what?
Sheldon 	It's nothing personal, I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they eat an Eskimo pie.
Howard 	(To Raj, who is smiling) What are you so happy about?
Raj 	I'm not happy, it's the medication, I can't stop smiling. (Waves hand at mouth. It keeps waving.)
Sheldon 	Now that Leonard's made me aware of how high the genetic stakes are, we have to face the fact that none of you are suitable mates for my sister.
Howard 	Wait a minute. Leonard made you aware of that?
Leonard 	We all make mistakes, let's move on.
Raj 	Excuse me, but I think you're missing a big opportunity here.
Sheldon 	How so?
Raj 	Everybody knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in the family latte.
Sheldon 	In principle you have a point, but as a practical matter, need I remind you that it takes experimental pharmaceuticals to simply enable you to speak to the opposite sex.
Raj 	(Waving finger at him) I think you're focussing entirely too much on the drugs. (Finger keeps waving. Leonard has to reach out and stop it.)
Howard 	Is it ‘cause I'm Jewish, ‘cause I'd kill my Rabbi with a porkchop to be with your sister.
Sheldon 	This has nothing to do with religion. This has to do with the fact that you're a tiny, tiny man who still lives with his mother.
Leonard 	Sheldon, you are really being unreasonable.
Sheldon 	Am I? Here. Eat this cheese without farting and you can sleep with my sister.
Missy 	(Who has just entered) Oh really?
Sheldon 	Oops.
Missy 	Shelly, can I speak to you for a minute? Alone?
Sheldon 	Why does everyone suddenly want to talk to me alone? Usually nobody wants to be alone with me.   
Leonard 	(To Penny who is standing next to him grinning) We all make mistakes, let's move on.
Scene 	Sheldon’s bedroom.
Missy 	Okay. I'm not even going to ask why you're pimping me out for cheese. But since when do you care at all about who I sleep with?
Sheldon 	Truthfully, I’ve never given it any thought, but it has been pointed out to me that you carry DNA of great potential.
Missy 	What on earth are you talking about?
Sheldon 	Let me explain. You see, I'm a superior genetic mutation, an improvement on the existing mediocre stock.
Missy 	And what do you mean, mediocre stock?
Sheldon 	That would be you. But residing within you is the potential for another me. Perhaps even taller, smarter and less prone to freckling, a Sheldon 2.0 if you will.
Missy 	Sheldon 2.0?
Sheldon 	Exactly. Now, I am not saying that I should be the sole decider of who you mate with. If you're not attracted to the suitor then the likelihood of conception would be reduced.
Missy 	You have got to be kidding me!
Sheldon 	Not at all. Frequent coitus dramatically increases the odds of fertiliziation.
Missy 	Okay Shelly, sit down. Now I’ve lived my whole life dealing with the fact that my twin brother is, as Mom puts it, one of God's special little people.
Sheldon 	I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that's where the metaphor ended.
Missy 	I thought it ended at cuckoo. Now you listen to me, if you want to start acting like a brother who cares about me, then terrific. Bring it on. But you try one time to tell me who I should be sleeping with, and you and I are going to go round and round the way we did when we were little. Re member? (Sheldon hurriedly crosses his legs.)
Sheldon 	I have an alternate proposal.
Missy 	Go on.
Sheldon 	You donate eggs. We will place them in cryogenic storage. I will find an appropriate sperm donor for your eggs, have them fertilized and implanted in you, that way everybody wins.
Scene 	The living room. Sheldon enters limping, holding his groin area.
Sheldon 	Correction. Missy can date whoever she wants.
Scene 	The same, later.
Howard 	Look, we have to settle this.
Leonard 	I agree. Sheldon's sister is hiding at Penny's because we’ve all been hitting on her at the same time.
Raj 	She's not hiding. She needed privacy to call her grandmother who's apparently very sick. Oh, and then I believe she has to wash her hair.
Howard 	Oh, you poor, deluded bastard.
Raj 	Don't start with me dude.
Howard 	You want to go again? Let's go.
Leonard 	Sit down.
Howard 	Okay.
Leonard 	If we’re going to fight over Missy, let's do it the right way. The honorable way.
 	(Time shift. Sheldon enters to hear sounds of fighting. It becomes apparent that the guys are playing a boxing game on a Nintendo Wii.)
Leonard 	And he's down!
Howard 	Come on, come on, get up.
Leonard 	Stay down, bitch. Yeah, ha ha, natural selection at work.
Sheldon 	I weep for humanity.
Leonard 	Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news. (Leaves and knocks on Penny’s door.)
Penny 	(Answering) Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard 	Hi Penny, how's it going. Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Penny 	Uh, pretty much, why?
Leonard 	Nothing, just catching up. By the way, may I speak to Missy please?
Penny 	Of course.
Missy 	Hi, Leonard, what's up?
Leonard 	Well, since you're leaving tomorrow I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner with me?
Missy 	That's so sweet. But no thanks.
Leonard 	Oh. You have other plans, or...?
Missy 	No.
Leonard 	Oh. Alright uh... enjoy the rest of your evening.
Missy 	Thanks. See you.
Leonard 	(Returning) Um, here's something we didn't anticipate.
 	(Time shift. Penny opens door to Howard.)
Penny 	What do you want, Howard?
Howard 	I'm fine, thanks for asking. I’ve come to call on Missy.
Penny 	Missy?
Missy 	Hi Howard.
Howard 	The amazing Howard. Do you like magic?
Missy 	Not really. No.
Howard 	Then you are in for a treat. Behold, an ordinary cane. (Taps against doorpost. While humming he tries to perform a trick, but the cane falls in half with a yellow handkerchief flying out. Howard has to retrieve the pieces.) Da-dah! (Emerges with the handkerchief, on which are written the words “will you go out with me?”)
Missy 	No.
Howard 	Okay. (Does something with hands, from which another yellow handkerchief emerges. This one reads “are you sure?” Missy closes the door.)
 	(Time shift. Penny opens the door to Raj.)
Penny 	Missy?
Raj 	Thank you. I apprec.... (looks panicked) apprec.... appreeee.... oh-oh.
Penny 	Oh, honey, is your medication wearing off?  (Raj nods.)
Missy 	Oh, hi, cutie pie. I was hoping you'd show up.
 	(Raj attempts to speak. All that emerges is a high pitched wail. After a few more attempts he turns and leaves down the stairs, still making the same sound.)
Missy 	We had a dog who made a noise like that. Had to put him down.
Scene 	The stairwell. Missy and Sheldon are descending.
Missy 	Any news you want me to pass along to Mom?
Sheldon 	Well, she might be interested to know that I have refocused my research from bosonic string theory to heteronic string theory.
Missy 	Yeah, I'll just tell her you said hey.
Sheldon 	Okay, well, it was pleasant seeing you, other than that business with my testicles. (Holds out hand to shake.)
Missy 	Come on, Shelly. (Hugs him. He looks uncomfortable, then hugs back half heartedly.) I want you to know I'm very proud of you.
Sheldon 	Really?
Missy 	Yup, I'm always bragging to my friends about my brother the rocket scientist.
Sheldon 	You tell people I'm a rocket scientist?
Missy 	Well yeah.
Sheldon 	I'm a theoretical physicist.
Missy 	What's the difference?
Sheldon 	What's the difference?
Missy 	Goodbye Shelly.
Sheldon 	My God! Why don't you just tell them I'm a toll taker at the Golden Gate Bridge? Rocket scientist, how humiliating.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)