Sir Urchin and Snail Fail (Rewrite)/transcript

Next Episode: Squidiversary
== Transcript ==
Episode Aired: June 24, 2023
Episode Copyrighted: 2023
This episode is rated TV-Y7.
The episode opens with a shot of SpongeBob's house.
TV singers: *sings, offscreen* ♪ Move your feet and grab your seat! It's "The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show!" ♪
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: *excited* It's on! *get outs popcorn, drinks, chocolate bars, and a smoothie*
They run over each other, and when they sit on the couch, they have each other's bottom halves swapped.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: Ah! Excuse me. Pardon me! Excuse me! Pardon me! Excuse me!
The title card of The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show is seen on TV.
TV Announcer: It's "The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show!"
On TV, we see the inside of Sir Urchin's mansion.
Sir Urchin: *bounces down the stairs*
Live-action audience: *cheers*
Sir Urchin: *takes off my monocle and inspects a statue*
He blows on it and a cloud of dust appears.
Sir Urchin: Woe is me! My priceless works of art need to be dusted! *calls* Oh, Snail Fail!
Snail Fail: *runs in and crashes into a statue, then picks it back up* Whoa! Yes, sir, Sir Urchin, sir!
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: *laughs*
Sir Urchin: Dust my art!
Snail Fail: *takes out a dusting brush* Very good, Sir Urchin, sir. *runs off, then dusts a painting*
Sir Urchin: *walks into the room; pleased* Ah, you dust divinely. *commands* Now dust the back!
Snail Fail: Uh, v-v-very good, Sir Urchin, sir. *backs into the painting and grabs it* Wah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! *smashes it on Sir Urchin* Oh.
Sir Urchin: *comes out of painting* Why, you!
Snail Fail: What I do?
Live-action audience: *laughs*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: *laughs and rolls around*
Snail Fail: *runs around with a bust* Whoa, dainty, dainty, dainty! *smashes it on him*
Sir Urchin: *with bust on head* Why, you!
Snail Fail: *smashes piano on him* What I do?
Sir Urchin: *with piano keys in mouth* Why, you!
Snail Fail: *smashes fountain on him* What I do?
Sir Urchin: *comes out of fountain* Why, you!
Snail Fail: *looks bored*
He steps away from Sir Urchin and begins a monologue under a spotlight.
Snail Fail: Why you, indeed.
Sir Urchin: Huh? *falls off fountain*
Snail Fail: Why not any of us? If the nature of the universe is random, would not misfortune find us all equally? And yet, it does not. Perhaps you should stop asking, "Why you?" and start asking, "Why me?"
Crickets: *chirps*
Live-action audience: *looks bored*
SpongeBob is shocked as Patrick is drooling.
Sir Urchin: *whispers* That's not the line. Why did you stop hitting me?
Snail Fail: I want the audience to know that I am a real thespian and not just some *bowtie spins* bumbling buffoon.
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail are now incredulous.
Sir Urchin: Well, you wanna be a serious actor? Nobody's stopping you! Exit stage left!
Snail Fail: My pleasure! *throws bowtie on the floor* I quit!
Live-action audience: *gasps and murmurs*
Snail Fail: *walks off the stage*
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Cut to a "Please Stand By" sign.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *slides off the couch*
Patrick Star: *starts laughing*
SpongeBob SquarePants: *stands up, then touches the TV screen* It's no joke, Patrick. Our favorite comedy team just *splits myself apart* broke up on live TV!
Patrick Star: *falls on the floor and cries*
SpongeBob SquarePants: *slides onto Patrick and wraps into a diaper*
He gives him a bib and puts his finger in his thumb.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *sadly sings* ♪ Move your feet and grab your seat... ♪
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: ♪ It's "The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show." ♪
Screen pans out in the living room TV in Lincoln's house. Screen cuts to Lincoln and Leni sitting on the couch.
Lincoln Loud: *excited* This is our chance.
Leni Loud: Wait, what?
Lincoln Loud: We can go on "The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show" with SpongeBob and Patrick.
Leni Loud: Yeah.
Lincoln Loud: We'll split up. Leni, you go with Patrick and Sir Urchin. I go with SpongeBob and Snail Fail.
Leni Loud: Okay, let's split up!
Lincoln Loud: Right.
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *goes outside, then splits up*
Lana is near Lincoln's house.
Lana Loud: *sees worms* Ooh, I love worms! *eats worms*
Screen cuts back to SpongeBob and Patrick.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *whimpers and turns back to normal* Patrick, as devoted fans, it's our duty to convince our two idols to get back together. The future of comedy depends on it.
Patrick Star: I'm in!
SpongeBob SquarePants: We'll have to split up.
Patrick Star: Aw, I was just getting comfy. *sucks SpongeBob's thumb and the latter looks disappointed*
Slide transition cuts to the next day.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *comes out of my garage, riding my unicycle*
Patrick is nearby.
SpongeBob SquarePants: I'll go find Snail Fail with Lincoln, and you track down Sir Urchin with Leni. Good luck!
They fist bump.
SpongeBob SquarePants: Booyah!
Patrick Star: *giggles*
Their hands turn live-action, then their fingers wiggle as they giggle.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *salutes and rides backwards on my unicycle* Whoo!
Patrick Star: *calls* Leni's car!
A taxi pulls up.
Patrick Star: *jumps through the open window and briefly struggles to get my butt inside*
He comes up in the back seat. Leni is driving, and Patrick doesn't know it's Sir Urchin.
Leni Loud: *waves* Hey, Patrick!
Sir Urchin: Where to, Mac?
Patrick Star: Take me to *points* Sir Urchin's house!
Sir Urchin: *surprised* Sir Urchin?
Leni Loud: You mean, Sir Urchin's house?
Patrick Star: *shows my Sir Urchin and Leni underwear* Yeah, Sir Urchin and Leni! You know, the guy that goes... *hits self with a hammer* "Why, you!" *laughs* He's so funny. *hits Leni with a hammer*
Leni Loud: "Why, you!" *laughs* Patrick, you're totes funny!
Sir Urchin: *replaces my cab driver hat with my top hat* Oh, you mean like *spins monocle and puts it on* this? Why, you! *poses as a fanfare plays*
Close-up on Patrick's head. A live-action monkey toy claps its symbols.
Sir Urchin: I'm Sir Urchin.
Leni Loud: And I'm Leni Loud.
Patrick's head explodes and blows the roof off Leni's car. His head lands, he yells, and he moves into the front seat.
Patrick Star: Leni? Why are you driving your car?
Sir Urchin: *polishes monocle, and sighs*
Leni Loud: Sir Urchin and his partner broke up five minutes ago, and since then, times have been tough.
Patrick Star: *hits Sir Urchin with a mallet and grunts* You guys were so funny back then! *hits him* What I do? *hits him* What I do? *hits him* What I do? *laughs*
Leni Loud: He said it, Patrick.
Sir Urchin: *growls and reaches his hand out at Patrick, but then gets an idea* Say, Mac, how would you like to be... *holds out a headband with a tennis ball and an eyeball* ...Snail Fail the Second?
Patrick Star: *puts on the headband, and is now excited* Would I? *smashes Sir Urchin and laughs*
He is unsure Would I? Slide transition cuts to Snail Fail checking his mail at his house.
Snail Fail: Oh? *takes out yellow package* What is this? Huh. *brings it inside* Probably a gift from one of my adoring fans.
Lincoln Loud: Hey, Snail Fail. Welcome to your house.
SpongeBob SquarePants: *face appears on the package* Close. I am an adoring fan. *laughs*
Snail Fail: *gasps*
SpongeBob SquarePants: *springs back to his regular self* Doing!
Lincoln Loud: Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Snail Fail. *takes out Snail Fail's bowtie* I just wanted to ask if you and Sir Urchin *puts bowtie on Snail Fail* could get back together again. *twists* You know, for your adoring fans.
Snail Fail: *takes off bowtie* No more low comedy for me. *rips it apart* The only way I shall ever step on a stage again is as a serious dramatic actor. Now, be gone! *tries to throw SpongeBob and Lincoln out of my house*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *stretches up*
Snail Fail: *kicks myself* Ah! *groans*
Lincoln Loud: *leans over Snail Fail* Ohh! I know a stage where people would love to see you act!
Snail Fail: Hmm. Really?
SpongeBob SquarePants: We can go on stage!
Slide transition cuts to Shady Shoals Rest Home.
Snail Fail: *re-enacts Macbeth in a theatrical outfit, with SpongeBob as a skull and Lincoln as a cowboy*
A group of elderly people watch his performance.
Snail Fail: Alas, poor Mackerel, I knew him, Halibut. A fellow of infinite jest. He hath borne me on his fishtail a thousand times. *gets hit by thrown dentures* Ow!
Audience: Boo! / You stink!
Snail Fail: Whoa! Ah!
Snail Fail: *dodges a TV remote, a hot water bottle, and a padlock*
He gets hit by an oxygen tank and crawls up to SpongeBob and Lincoln.
Lincoln Loud: Maybe we should call Sir Urchin.
Snail Fail: Never!
Old lady: *approaches them on the stage and shakes my fist, to their surprise* Why, you!
SpongeBob SquarePants: *turns back to normal* Aah!
Old lady: What I do? Why, you! What I do? Why, you! What I do?
SpongeBob SquarePants, Lincoln Loud and Snail Fail: *backs off the stage and falls*
SpongeBob and Lincoln are stuck in Snail Fail's shell. Slide transition cuts to Patrick and Leni hitting Sir Urchin with a mallet on a street downtown, with a small crowd watching them.
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Patrick Star and Leni Loud: What us do? / What we do?
A kid whimpers and tears up as her mother covers her ears and takes her away.
Patrick Star and Leni Loud: *hits Sir Urchin again*
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Patrick Star and Leni Loud: What us do? / What we do? *hits Sir Urchin*
Leni Loud: Wait a minute, how come nobody's laughing?
Sir Urchin: *stuck on Patrick's mallet* Well, you're saying, "What us do?" instead of, "What we do?" Maybe that's it.
Patrick Star: Good note. Got it. *takes Sir Urchin off the mallet and sits on him*
Sir Urchin: *stuck on Patrick's butt* Why, you!
Patrick Star: *imitates Snail Fail* Where I go?
Sir Urchin: *grunts* Nah, that's not it. *sits on the sidewalk* If only we had a real stage to perform on.
Patrick Star: Oh. *imitates Snail Fail* "What I do!"
Leni Loud: *excited* Patrick, that's it! You said his catchphrase!
Patrick Star: *excited* Yay!
A split screen shows Snail Fail, SpongeBob and Lincoln sitting next to each other on the street.
Snail Fail: If only I had a real stage to act on.
Two newspaper boys walk by, catching everyone's attention.
Paperboys: Extry, extry! Big Bikini Bottom Talent Show tonight on a real stage!
Snail Fail and Sir Urchin each take one of the papers.
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: *gasps* This might be the break we've been waiting for! *leaves for the talent show*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star: *looks excited* Yay! *holds hands over the split screen* I smell a reunion!
Lincoln and Leni Loud: *appears in a split screen with SpongeBob and Patrick and looks excited* We're going to a "Talent Show!"
Slide transition to a building with a "Talent Show!" sign.
Announcer: *offscreen* Welcome to The City Talent Show! Take it away!
The curtains part. A fancy-looking woman and a small blue narwhal are on the stage. The narwhal balances on the woman's finger, and she bites his nose and strums it with her other hand.
Audience: Boo! *throws an axe, bowling ball, and watermelon at the woman*
She cries and runs off-stage.
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *peeks through curtains*
SpongeBob SquarePants: Wow! Look at all those people! *laughs and sings*
As he bounces past the other contestants, then lands in front of Snail Fail.
Snail Fail: Excuse me. *bangs on Patrick's trash can shell* Is this the line for the talent show?
Patrick Star and Leni Loud: *turns around and holds Sir Urchin* Agh! You!
Sir Urchin: You!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *smashes Sir Urchin and Snail Fail together* Success!
Leni Loud: It's totes great to see you guys back together again!
Snail Fail and Sir Urchin: *pushes each other away, sending SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni backwards.*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: Whoa!
Snail Fail: I am not following *points to Sir Urchin* this riffraff onto the stage. *grabs SpongeBob and Lincoln* We shall go first.
Sir Urchin: Shove off, Fakespeare! Me and my new partner, Patrick and Leni, were here first!
Snail Fail: *takes my monocle*
Sir Urchin: Hey!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *leans in*
Snail Fail: *throws the monocle on the ground, then stomps on it*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni Loud and Sir Urchin: *gasps*
Sir Urchin: That monocle was priceless!
Snail Fail: Now it's *pokes Sir Urchin's eyes* garbage.
Sir Urchin: *twists Snail Fail's eyes* Why, you!
Snail Fail: Agh! What did I do to deserve this fate?
They get into a dust cloud fight.
Sir Urchin: *picks up Snail Fail* Why you!
He throws him onto the stage.
Snail Fail: What have I done? *smashes Sir Urchin with a crate*
Sir Urchin: Why, you! *smashes Snail Fail with a soundspeaker*
Snail Fail: What is it? *smashes Sir Urchin with a drum*
Sir Urchin: *comes out of drum* Why, you! *smashes Snail Fail with a piano*
Audience: *begins clapping and cheering*
Sir Urchin: *smashes Snail Fail with an anvil*
Snail Fail: *hits him back with a washtub*
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: Are you referring to me?
Sir Urchin: *hits him with some of the other contestants*
Snail Fail: *leaps back on-stage and fights him again*
They fall off the stage.
Snail Fail: *removes a tuba from his head and drops it on Sir Urchin*
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: Huh?
They look at the audience and hear cheering.
Snail Fail: What I do?
Audience: *cheers*
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: *looks at each other, hugs and starts crying*
Snail Fail: Our act was perfect the way it was. I should never have tried to change it.
Sir Urchin: Snail Fail, old buddy, go ahead. Add some serious acting to our show. I just want to get back together again!
Snail Fail: Oh, so do I!
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: *hugs* Mmm!
Sir Urchin: *affectionately* Why, you.
Snail Fail: *affectionately* What I do.
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: *hugs again* Mmm!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *watches from the stage*
Patrick Star and Leni Loud: *hits SpongeBob and Lincoln with our mallets*
SpongeBob SquarePants and Lincoln Loud: *shakes fist, happily* Why, us!
Patrick Star and Leni Loud: Look what we do'd! *hits SpongeBob and Lincoln*
Fish Old Lady: *chases them away* Why, you! Why, you!
Time card reading "One Week Later"
French Narrator: One week later...
At night, SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni are watching Sir Urchin and Snail Fail. The two are wearing fancy outfits, with Snail Fail holding a skull. Audience laughter is heard.
Snail Fail: Alas, poor Mackerel, I knew him, Sir Urchin. A fellow of infinite jest, nautical nonsense be something he wished. Where be your jokes now, old friend? That I may laugh... *laughs* With merriment?
The live-action audience is watching. SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni are shocked. Pauses.
Snail Fail: *hits Sir Urchin with the skull*
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: What have I done?
Audience: *laughs*
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: *snorts our drinks at each other and laughs hysterically*
SpongeBob SquarePants: They're back and funnier than ever!
Lincoln Loud: I know right?!
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: *bows*
As flowers are thrown at them.
Sir Urchin: Thank you, everyone.
Snail Fail: We would just like to take a moment to give a shout-out, as the kids say, to our friends, SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni.
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: *leans out of the TV* We couldn't have gotten back together without you guys!
They hit SpongeBob, Patrick, Lincoln and Leni with mallets.
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln and Leni Loud: Why, you!
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: What we do?
Fish Old Lady: *continues shaking my fist at them* Why, you! Why, you!
SpongeBob SquarePants, Patrick Star, Lincoln, Leni Loud, Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: Not again! Aah!
They all scream. A "The End!" card is shown with Sir Urchin and Snail Fail, similar to Looney Tunes. The episode ends.
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