Miss Diagnosis/Transcript

This is the transcript for Miss Diagnosis, which aired on April 22, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 Let me put everything on my card.
Mm.
Very cool, Jerry.
- You can pay me in cash.
- Not cool, Jerry.
I'm collecting miles for a flight to Bora Bora.
Right now, I'm to maybe Des Moines.
Oh, I forgot my ginger ale.
I'll, uh, see you guys up there.
Mm-hmm.
I've been to Bora Bora and Des Moines, and you only want to see people naked in one of them.
Oh.
Sorry, I seem to have gotten the last one.
I don't see your name on it.
Unless your name is Nutritional Facts.
It is.
And that's "Mr.
Facts" to you.
Then we're at an impasse, because I'm Adriana Ginger Ale.
Drew Dunbar.
But my eighth grade math teacher was Mr.
Pibb.
Adriana Marquez.
And my eighth grade teacher was fired for sending naked pics to a student.
Well, in that case, here, you can have the ginger ale.
It's a filthy habit.
I've been meaning to quit.
- Thank you.
- Yes.
I think you'll enjoy the bubbly quality with soft notes of high-fructose corn syrup.
You're cute.
Why you staring at me? Oh, just waiting for the bucket of pigs' blood to fall on my head.
Anyone want to do something tonight? I'm sorry, I can't, because a beautiful woman in the cafÃ© just asked me out.
On purpose.
- Are you serious? - Looks like ginger ale wasn't the only thing she was thirsty for.
She was thirsty for me.
Drew's got game.
My God, it must be easy in the straight world.
It's not.
I am shocked myself.
But I do have a question.
What's dating like these days? I mean Just be yourself.
Don't overthink it.
Be himself? Worst idea ever.
Calendar reminder.
Do not overthink upcoming date.
6:00 p.
m.
to 9:00 p.
m.
No.
6:00 p.
m.
to question mark.
Well, whatever you do, don't tell her you're in dialysis.
But it's such a big part of my life.
Don't take this the wrong way, Drew, but you don't need to offer up more reasons for her to reject you.
What's the right way to take that? First dates should be light and fun.
People don't want to hear stuff that's, you know death-y.
Unless you're going for pity sex.
Which still counts, by the way.
Thanks so much.
I'll be there.
Check it out.
My agent just got me an audition with CBS 2 to be their new sports anchor.
Congratulations.
- When's the audition? - Friday.
Ooh.
Good luck.
Yeah, knock 'em dead! Bow! A woman asked me out.
- What? - On a date.
Yeah.
It's just what we were talking about earlier before you came in.
It was a pretty hot topic, actually.
Um, and I'm I'm not quite sure we were finished on it.
So Do you still want him to be himself? Aw! Hey, Norma.
Gina, the man of our dreams is here! Why'd you call her? We could have run away together.
Oh, sweetheart, you'd have no idea what to do with me.
Oh! Look at you.
Mwah.
Anything I say right now is going to be objectifying, so I won't say a thing.
- Ooh! - Ooh.
I went to my suit guy with Drew after dialysis.
I want to make sure I make a good impression for my audition.
Wow.
Channel 2 Sports is about to get a lot more female viewers.
- Including this one.
- Yeah.
I hope that you drop your news report so I can watch you bend over and pick it up.
'Ello, ladies.
I was trying for James Bond, but it ended up sounding more like a creepy chimney sweep.
Wow! Drew! Come on over here so I can slap that ass.
I will not.
Look at you.
What a difference.
So, all this time, you just weren't trying.
Yes.
Well, uh, I have a date tonight.
Really? With who? Oh, just somebody I met at the hospital.
Wait, you don't even know her? You should Google her, because she could be a sex trafficker.
Or, worse, she could be one of those people who doesn't own a TV.
Um No.
Look, she's cute, she's funny and she likes me.
She could lure children into her gingerbread house, for all I care.
We're going out for pasta.
Hey.
Remember, don't tell her anything about dialysis.
Wait, why aren't we telling her anything about dialysis? It'll scare her off.
Well, you don't want a relationship built on deceit.
Yeah, you should always be honest.
Unless you're under oath.
Good point.
I'll tell her the truth.
It's your first date.
It's a boner killer.
Better point.
I will lie to her.
So, wait, you're from Rocky Hill? I went to Merritt High, class of '04.
Wait, you're a Merritt Muskrat? Oh, no, no.
I wasn't just a Merritt Muskrat.
I was the Merritt Muskrat.
Yeah.
The mascot.
I was basically an honorary football player.
I mean, they told me not to say that, but they knew.
Oh, my God.
At the conference championship, I threw a Big Gulp at you.
Ah.
I actually had three Big Gulps thrown at me that night, so you're gonna have to be a bit more specific.
They were all me.
Oh.
Good arm.
Have you had enough time to decide? Yeah, we haven't even looked.
Uh, just one more minute, please? Of course.
You should try the ravioli.
I haven't had it.
I just don't want to waste my dinner on it if it's bad.
I think I'm gonna have the tiramisu.
Okay.
What are you starting with? The tiramisu.
Whenever I go out to eat, I'm always too full for dessert by the end, so I'm gonna start with it.
Oh.
Is that allowed? I don't see the dessert police.
But if they do show up, cover for me.
Tell 'em I ate all my green beans.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
I do not lie to the dessert police.
My dad did nine years in lava cake jail.
I figure, if you want something, why wait? That's my whole life philosophy.
Don't put things off till someday, because someday never comes.
Huh.
I like that.
My life philosophy is "Don't touch that.
You don't know where it's been.
" But I will start with the apple pie.
And since we're being outlaws, - I will have it Ã la mode.
- There you go.
Throw caution to the wind.
You know, when I was a kid, I thought it was throw "caush" into the wind.
- Hmm.
What's caush? - I don't know, but you definitely wanted to get rid of it.
I used to think that a "romantic gesture" was a "romantic jester.
" Like the medieval clown? Okay, that's just dumb.
Oh, I'm having a nice time.
- I'm glad you asked me out.
- Me, too.
So, tell me more about Drew Dunbar.
What's a deep, dark secret about you? Oh.
Um Nope, no secrets.
Then tell me something you really want to do someday.
What do you mean? Today is your someday.
What do you want to do with it? Way better than when I made out with the Stamford Tiger.
Oh.
Another thing I want to do someday is kiss someone up against a door like how they do in the movies.
Ooh.
Check out Fifty Shades of Dunbar.
Hey, it's your someday.
That's the doorknob.
Ugh, God.
Serves me right for trying to be a "romantic jester.
" Ooh.
Wait.
Hold on one second.
I just have to tell you something.
If you want to put the muskrat costume on, I'm kind of down for that.
No, uh It's just, um You remember asking me if I had any secrets.
Yeah.
Uh I'm in kidney failure.
And I have a donor lined up, but, until then, I am in dialysis.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
I just didn't feel right going any further without telling you.
And if that's too much, I totally get it.
No.
I'm glad you told me.
That was brave.
Well, since we're confessing things, that K-pop playlist in my car is actually mine and not my daughter's.
Okay, the kidney failure is one thing, but this is kind of a deal-breaker.
- Morning! - Hi! Ooh, something smells good.
Well, if it's bacon and eggs, it's breakfast.
But if it's lavender lotion and Icy Hot, it's me.
That was Norma Goldman with the smells report.
And now to Eli Russell with sports.
Actually, I've been practicing.
Check it out.
Today, led by their defense, who scored on a blocked punt and fumble return, the Jets beat the Broncos, 27-7.
That means the Jets are heading to the playoffs for the first time since 2010.
So? Well, you looked handsome, and that's all that matters.
I mean, it was fine.
But, mm, where's the swagger? Where's the Eli Russell that showed up in his suit yesterday? The guy that won the Super Bowl and taught Michelle Obama how to do his touchdown dance? Boom, boom, boom.
If you dance like that, they'll put you in concussion protocol.
But that's how those sportscasters sound.
Yeah, but that's not how you sound.
Your personality is gonna be what sets you apart.
Okay.
I hear what you're saying.
I got to own it.
Good morning, good morning Ooh.
You're like one of those horses that dances around the ring.
Well, I had an amazing night.
- Yeah, so we heard.
- From who? No, we heard.
We wondered whose giggle belonged to who.
Take that, Drew's ex-wife and her hot lawyer boyfriend.
Oh.
I guess you do not follow her on Instagram.
I do not.
And now I won't.
But I did tell Adriana about my kidney.
She said I was brave.
Oh, see? I was right.
And just like I told the prosecutor when I was acquitted, in your face.
Oh.
Look who's texting me.
Is it a review? How many stars did you get? "I had a great time last night.
" Oh! Ooh! Ah! I think I'll reply, "What can I say?" And then my favorite emoji, the shrug.
- "You're a special guy.
" - Aw.
I think this one calls for the wink emoji.
"But I think it's best if we don't see" Oh.
Oh, no, Drew.
I'm sorry.
That's terrible.
That sucks, man.
- You don't deserve that.
- Thanks.
More like I was right.
In your face! - What do you say to that, huh? - Forgot my coffee.
Really sucks, man.
So sad.
So sad.
- Okay, set? Okay - Let's get it.
Channel 2 news, here we go.
Oh, my.
That's one foolish feline who won't be climbing up any more trees.
And now with the sports, Eli Russell.
What was that? - What was what? - The thing with the cat.
Oh.
Well, there's no cat, but sometimes you have to follow stories like that.
Be thankful it wasn't a murder-suicide.
Anyway, go.
We got all the day's highlights, including Tyler Lockett's fingertip catch.
That guy's got sticky fingers, and I'm not saying that just because he used to steal my deodorant.
Oh, this just in.
Apparently, the cat has one of those Hitler mustaches, but the fire department is still going to save him.
Back to you, Eli.
Thanks, Gina.
Now for a little segment I like to call "Hell Nah.
" A lot of people say that the NFL should get rid of female referees.
Why? When my mama watches games, she spots every penalty on the field.
Male or female, if you know the rules, you know the damn rules.
So when people say women can't be referees, you know what I say to that? Hell nah! I was building up to that, babe.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I just I got excited.
That was amazing! - Really? Oh! - Yeah.
Okay.
Anyway, hell, nah! Thanks, Eli.
Oh, more breaking news.
Three firemen are now stuck in the tree with the cat.
What? Oh, hey.
Are you doing okay? Yeah, I'm fine.
Just disappointed.
But, hey, at least I'm back out there - in the dating world again.
- There you go.
- Plenty of fish in the sea.
- Yeah.
There's also a floating island of garbage, whales are going extinct, ocean temperatures are rising.
Say goodbye to coastal cities.
Probably some island nations, too.
All right, time for me to instill optimism in people with mental health issues.
Oh, my God.
Do you want the stupid ginger ale or not? No.
Too many memories.
Hey, let me ask you something.
You ever have a great night with a guy, and then the next morning, you just kick him to the curb? I'd like to say yes to make you feel better, but no.
I thought we had a real connection.
Well, maybe you did.
Until the sex.
You're probably pretty bad is my guess.
No, no.
She said I was surprisingly great.
Could've done without the "surprisingly," but Oh, my God.
There she is.
Really? Oh, I may have misjudged you.
Unless you look like the father that abandoned her.
Look, just tell me when she's gone.
You do know that door is glass? - Can I get in there? - Oh, absolutely.
Drew.
Yeah.
This is awkward.
Oh, it really is.
Oh, fine.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Okay, so, I'll just say it.
I was on that date.
We had a great time.
So why did you end it? - Was it the sex? - No.
That was surprisingly Please find a different adverb.
So, then, it was the kidney failure.
Sort of.
I shouldn't have told you.
Drew, that's not it.
Then what was it? Okay, the thing is I just I have cancer.
What? Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
I beat it once, but I just found out it's back.
That's why I'm here.
I'm starting chemo again.
I'm so sorry.
When I got home, I couldn't stop thinking about your kidney failure and me and my thing.
It's just too much.
- Adriana, wait.
- I have to go.
Maybe I'll see you around.
You okay? No, not really.
I'm sorry.
It was the sex, wasn't it? Hey.
I got your text.
- So, it went well? - I rocked it.
I'm pretty sure it's a "hell, yeah" to "Hell Nah.
" My agent's calling to follow up with them right now.
Oh, that's so great! Oh, I'm gonna have Norma make you the biggest cake ever.
What's your favorite? Chocolate with vanilla frosting.
Red velvet? Oh, me, too.
Oh, it's my agent.
Hello? Really? Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I got you.
All right, talk to you later.
So? Is it official? My agent said they loved me, but they're going a different way.
"A different way"? What the hell does that even mean? Don't tell me how great I am and not give me the damn job.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Something else is gonna come along.
I needed this.
- You just have to be patient and - Gina.
I'm broke.
I don't I don't understand.
It's all gone.
Well, what about all that money that you made playing football? When I made the NFL, the first thing I did was buy my mom a house, my brother a car and put him through college.
Every cousin, high school buddy, old teammate came to me with their hand out or an idea for a business.
I never said no.
That was stupid! It's not stupid to help people.
I didn't think the money was gonna end.
I was up for a big new contract when I got the news about my kidney and, suddenly I'm retired at 30 and Son of a bitch.
I had no idea.
I didn't want anybody to know.
Especially you.
Eli, I don't care about your money.
I like you for you.
Thank you.
Am I gonna leave you because you're broke? Hell nah! - Hey.
- Hey.
- You doing any better? - No, not really.
Guess who I saw today.
Forget her.
She's a loser.
She has cancer.
Okay, you got to lead with that.
She said that with both of us being sick, it's just too much.
Oh, at Valley Hills, everybody's dying of something.
Doesn't stop the hanky-panky.
Every night is a symphony of box springs and oxygen tanks.
Well, what am I supposed to do? This is what she wants.
Drew, there are two people in every relationship.
At least.
What do you want? I want to see where it goes.
And the cancer doesn't change anything for you? No.
We had a real connection.
And I'd rather spend a short time with someone special and risk losing her than to never know her at all.
Did you tell her that? No.
Maybe you should.
Yeah.
By the way, what smells so good? We're making lasagna.
No, it's not that.
It's more like Icy Hot and lavender.
You're welcome.
Adriana? What the hell? Look, I like you.
And I think you like me, too.
Okay, yeah, you have cancer, but we can't let our illnesses define us.
You said, "Live every day like someday is today.
" And if you really believe that, then take a chance.
I mean, isn't this a nice romantic jester? - Huh? - I don't know.
But you're smiling.
I'm smiling.
So, what do you say? All right.
I guess we can throw our caush into the wind.
Nice.
Well, someday is today.
I like today.
- Now come, fool.
- Yes, milady.
Category:Episode Transcripts
Category:Season 1 Transcripts