Episode 509: Debbie Harry/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 509: Debbie Harry.
==Cold open==
 	Stage door. Pops reads a book.
Pops 	Dullest book I ever read.
 	
Pops 	Hey! Who are you?
Debbie	I'm Debbie Harry. Kermit asked me to guest on the show tonight.
Pops 	Debbie Harry! That's right, you sing with that rock group, uh …
Debbie	Blondie.
Pops 	Eh?
Debbie	Blondie. That's the name of the group.
Pops 	Blondie?
Debbie	Yes.
Pops 	Dumb name for a group. If I were you, I'd have called it something different.
Debbie	If you were me, you would have called it "Baldie".
 	She pats his head and chuckles.
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Debbie Harry! Yaaayyy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	
 	Gonzo plays the trumpet with his ear.
Gonzo 	What a great ear! (laughs)
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And it's going to be a fantastic show tonight, because with us is one of the great stars of rock music, Miss Debbie Harry of Blondie! (applause) Yes! And now — Robin, what are you doing out here?
Robin 	Well — my Frog Scout troop was hoping one day you'd let 'em come visit backstage at The Muppet Show.
Kermit 	Okay, I suppose that could be arranged.
Robin 	Come on! It's okay!
 	
 	The excited Frog Scouts flock Kermit.
Kermit 	You said ONE day!
Robin 	Yeah, but today's the day! Debbie Harry's here! Yaaayy!
 	The Frog Scouts cheer.
Kermit 	Okay, okay, okay, but before we get to see Debbie, here is our opening number!
Robin 	Oh, great! Wonderful.
 	The Frog Scouts sit down in the middle of the stage. Kermit shoos them off.
Kermit 	Guys, will you get out of here? Out, out, get out! Opening number!
 	Open on an outdoor setting with a church in the background.
 	
Wayne 	
What a beautiful day,
For a wedding in May.
See the people all stare
At the lovable pair.
She's a vision of joy.
He's the luckiest boy.
In his wedding array,
Hear him smilingly say …
Mulch 	
The bells are ringing for me and Gargoyles.
The birds are singing for me and Gargoyle.
Gargoyle 	
Ev'rybody's been knowing to a wedding they're going.
And for weeks they've been stowing days of labor and toil.
Both 	They're congregating …
Mulch 	… for me and Gargoyle.
Both 	The parson's waiting …
Mulch 	… for me and Gargoyle.
 	
Gargoyle 	(giggles) And sometime we're gonna build a little home for two …
Gargoyle heads	… or three or four or more,
All 	In love land, for me and Gargoyle.
Mulch 	Oh, Gargoyle.
 	Mulch swings as he rings the bell.
Gargoyle 	(giggles) And sometime we're gonna build a little home for two or three or four or more,
All 	In love land, for me and Gargoyle.
 	The Frog Scouts gather around them to take pictures. Applause.
Scout (DG) 	Hey! Oh, look — get this … smile! That's it! Okay, smile, say cheese!
Gargoyle 	(swats) Get out.
Waldorf 	Oh, incredible. What kind of creature would marry a Gargoyle?
Statler 	A Gar-boy?
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Mulch and the Frog Scouts pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, that was a nice number. Nice number, Mulch.
Mulch 	Oh, hey. Hey, can't you do something about these kids? They nearly ruined that number.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that, Mulch, but you know kids — they're all the same.
 	
Mulch 	Not mine. Mine are different.
Kermit 	(nods) Mm. I suppose they are.
Mulch 	They're at the museum today.
Kermit 	Mm-hm. Nice. Visiting the museum?
Mulch 	Not visiting. On exhibit.
Gargoyle 	They're weird, but worth seeing.
Kermit 	Uh, Frog Scouts — uh, Robin?
Robin 	Yes, Uncle Kermit?
Kermit 	Uh, did you guys come with an adult?
Robin 	Oh, sure. Mrs. Appleby!
Mrs. Appleby	Yes?
Kermit 	Uh, Mrs. Appleby, the scouts here are getting a little bit out of hand. Maybe you should talk to them?
 	
Mrs. Appleby	Oh, of course. They're just kind of excited about seeing Debbie Harry.
Kermit 	Mm. Well, I don't blame them, but I do worry about them getting hurt. There's some dangerous areas around here.
Mrs. Appleby	Oh, don't worry about that. I'll just give 'em a little safety talk.
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Mrs. Appleby	Boys! Boys, come here. Is everybody here?
 	They gather around her.
Mrs. Appleby	Um, I don't see Norman.
Scout (DG) 	Oh, I saw him going upstairs.
Mrs. Appleby	Huh?
 	
 	Norman is thrown over the railing from within Animal's dressing room. Animal emerges, laughs, then goes back inside.
Kermit 	That was one of the dangerous areas I was talking about. (goes onstage)
Mrs. Appleby	Norman?
Frog Scouts 	Norman? Norman? Wake up.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet newsflash. Famous French clothing designer, David Lazeur, was arrested today under the poultry laws for designing clothes that can suddenly turn into chickens.
 	Poof! His clothes suddenly turn into chickens.
 	
=="One Way or Another"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay, ladies and gentlemen, it's guest star time —
 	The Frog Scouts surround him, cheering.
Kermit 	Will you guys get — get off the stage! Get off the stage! Clear the aisles, because here she is, ladies and gentlemen, the queen of rock n' roll, DEBBIE HARRY! YAAAAYY!
 	Open on a gritty alley setup with a Muppet rock band. Debbie emerges.
Debbie 	Hey - this ain't my normal band. … Well, what's normal about a band, anyway?
 	
 	Debbie sings "One Way or Another" as she is pursued by Mulch. Other Muppets that she encounters include the Frog Scouts, sharks, demons, a tiger, Timmy Monster, a borogove and a woman showering. Mulch finally breaks through the door and she catches him. Applause. She gives him a kiss.
Statler	Who was she supposed to be looking for, anyway?
Waldorf	The guy who booked her on this crummy show!
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Debbie and the band pass by Kermit.
Kermit	Okay! Great number! Great number, guys. Hey Debbie? Debbie, I'm awfully sorry about Mulch there.
Debbie	Oh, that's okay, Kermit, I like fans, any size, shape or species. (embraces him)
 	
Kermit	Uh, Mulch, what were you doing in that number anyhow? You were in the opening.
Mulch 	Just wanted Debbie's autograph. Heh heh.
Kermit	Uh, did you give it to him?
Debbie	Of course. I'm gonna turn him down?
Mulch 	Thanks, Debbie. (walks away)
Debbie	Yeah. It's okay. Heh. Actually, I felt a little sorry for him. Uh, he said it was for his kids. They don't get out much. (goes upstairs)
Kermit	(nods) I bet they don't. And speaking of kids, whatever happened to the Frog Scouts?
Gaffer	Meow.
==Dressing room==
 	The Frog Scouts, dressed as punk rockers, play guitar and chatter.
Frog Scouts 	(random) Yeah, the business ain't the same without Johnny …
 	Debbie enters.
Debbie 	SQUAD, HUT!
 	The Scouts stand at attention.
Debbie 	Okay, kids, take it easy.
 	
 	The Scouts relax and start praising Debbie.
Frog Scouts 	(random) Aw, that number was dynamite! Incredible! Beautiful.
Debbie 	Hey, wha-what are you guys doing in here anyway?
Scout (DG) 	Oh, we're working on our punk merit badges.
Debbie 	(glances at camera) Punk merit badges?
Robin 	Yeah. Well — could you give us some tips? We're only tenderflippers.
Debbie 	Well, you could learn to dance the pogo.
Robin 	The pogo? Would that get us our punk merit badges?
Debbie 	It'll get you tender flippers. (giggles)
Scout (DG) 	Hey, a kidder? Huh?
Robin 	Hey guys —
 	The Scouts launch into a guitar solo and jump. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Hey, what's all the noise in here?
Robin 	Oh, sorry, Uncle Kermit. We just wanted to tell Debbie that we think she's real PUNK!
 	
Kermit 	Robin, you're insulting our guest star.
Debbie 	Oh, no he isn't.
Kermit 	Uh — well listen, does Mrs. Appleby know you guys are in here?
 	
Mrs. Appleby	WAH-HOO! Forget Mrs. Appleby! Meet the safety pin QUEEN!
 	They all whoop, holler, jump and play guitar. Kermit is befuddled.
Kermit 	Gee. Things have really changed a lot since I was in the Frog Scouts.
==UK spot==
	
	A little girl sings "Forgiven" with Alexander Beetle.
==Dressing room==
 	Kermit enters with a banjo.
Kermit	Oh, Debbie!
Debbie	Hey, Kermit.
Kermit	Hey — what's this I hear about your wanting to do a rainbow song?
Debbie	Oh, yeah — I just dig songs about rainbows.
Kermit	Oh, good.
Debbie	I sent you a list.
Kermit	Uh, yeah, I got the list. Uh, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and … "I'm Always Chasing Rainbows" …
Debbie	Well, yeah. Which one should I do?
Kermit	Well — well, well, you left out one rainbow song.
Debbie	(gasp) … I did?
Kermit	Yeah. My rainbow song.
Debbie	Oh, that one. (he nods) Well, I thought you might be tired of that.
Kermit	Well, uh, no, I — I — actually, no, I'm not — not tired of it at all.
Debbie	Well, let's do it then.
Kermit	Oh, good! I thought you'd never ask. It goes like this.
 	He plays the opening riff.
Kermit	Remember?
Debbie	Yeah.
 	
 	They sing "The Rainbow Connection". The Frog Scouts join them towards the end. A rainbow appears above them.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! You may remember, when we last left the spaceship Swinetrek, it was caught in a meteor storm. If you don't remember, that's okay, I've just reminded you.
 	Link and Strangepork try to steer the ship as it rattles.
Miss Piggy 	Oh! Captain Link! Whatever shall we do?
Link Hogthrob 	Don't worry, First Mate Piggy, no meteor can penetrate the hull of this ship! It's made of super-strength porkium alloy!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Ja, that's right. Absolutely no chance of any damage.
 	A hole is immediately punctured in the hull, and the ship starts losing air. Piggy screams.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Of course, I'm usually wrong about these things!
Link Hogthrob 	Help! There's a hole in the hull! There's a hole in the hull!
Miss Piggy 	Help! … We've got to plug the hole before all the air is sucked out of the ship!
Link Hogthrob 	Yes, but what can we plug it with?
Miss Piggy 	I don't know, knuckle-brain! You just plug the hole!
Link Hogthrob 	Okay!
 	He drags Piggy towards the hole and plugs it with her head.
Miss Piggy 	Hey — what's going on?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	There! There, now we've plugged the hole. Are you happy?
Miss Piggy 	(muffled) No I'm not! Get me outta here!
Link Hogthrob 	Lucky it was a snout-sized hole, or we'd be in big trouble. (laughs)
 	
Miss Piggy 	If you don't get me out of here, you'll be in even bigger trouble!
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Quick, Link! Get the pepper!
Miss Piggy 	Get the pepper?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yeah, don't worry. With this pepper, we'll have you out of there in no time!
 	Link fetches a pepper shaker and sprinkles it on Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Hold it — hold it —
Link Hogthrob 	Sprinkle sprinkle sprinkle.
 	She sneezes her way out of the hole.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh! Oh, help! I'm being sucked into the hole!
 	He plugs it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, good work, Captain! You've saved the ship!
Miss Piggy 	Yay!
Announcer 	Tune in again next time for Pigs in Space, when we'll hear Captain Link say …
Link Hogthrob 	Oh — but what about my head?
 	
Miss Piggy 	Don't worry, it's not a vital organ.
 	The closing music plays.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	Okay. Pigs in Space, very exciting.
Miss Piggy 	That was a mess, Kermie.
Kermit 	Well, I-I'm sorry about that, Piggy.
 	The Frog Scouts get in her way.
Miss Piggy 	(shoving) Would you get a job?
Link Hogthrob	(moans)
Mrs. Appleby 	Oh, that poor thing! What happened to him?
Kermit 	Uh, well, it's a long story. Actually, it's a short story — he did something dumb.
Mrs. Appleby 	Well, we can't let him suffer like that. Scouts! Give that pig first aid!
 	They all gang up on Link and cover him in bandages.
 	
Link Hogthrob	Am I better?
Kermit 	Gee, they're very fast.
Mrs. Appleby 	Oh, yes, yes, and with great precision, too. Why, you should have them do their close-order drill on the show.
Kermit 	Well, they're amateurs, and we only book professionals.
Mrs. Appleby 	Oh.
 	WHOOSH! Enter Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	Kermit, it's disaster time. You're gonna have to cancel my wrestling match with Quongo, the wild mountain gorilla.
Kermit 	But why?
Gonzo 	He just called from his limo. It's stuck in traffic. Sorry! (whooshes away)
Mrs. Appleby 	That was a professional?
Kermit 	Y—yeah. Uh, listen, maybe we can overlook our rule against amateurs tonight. How soon can your scouts be ready?
Mrs. Appleby 	Ten-hut!
 	They stand at attention.
Kermit 	You're next. (goes onstage)
Mrs. Appleby 	Scouts — are you ready for the big time?
Frog Scouts 	Yes, Miss Appleby!
Mrs. Appleby 	Swell! But first we gotta do this crummy show.
Frog Scouts 	(laugh)
==Frog Scout drills==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to announce that, due to circumstances beyond our control, The Great Gonzo will be unable to wrestle a fierce mountain gorilla as advertised.
 	Audience: "Awwww."
Kermit 	But, it is an ill wind that has no silver lining, so in his place, we proudly present the precision drill team from the Okefenokee Pack 12 of the Frog Scouts of America! YAAAYY!
 	The Frog Scouts do their march as their drill sergeant calls.
Drill scout	Hut! Hut! Hut! Hut! Sound off!
Frog Scouts	Sound off!
Drill scout	One two!
Frog Scouts	One two!
Drill scout	One two three four!
Frog Scouts	One two! Three four!
Drill scout	Go left! Go left! Go left, right, left!
Frog Scouts	
We left the swamp for solid ground!
Drop and step and march around!
 	Quongo enters, and the Scouts trample over him.
Quongo 	Gonzo! Gonzo? Hey, have you seen Gonzo? I was supposed to wrest— hey boys? Hey! Hey boys!
Frog Scouts	
We practice in the muddy muck
And never get our flippers stuck!
Drill scout	Sound off!
Frog Scouts	One two!
Drill scout	Sound off!
Frog Scouts	One two!
 	
Quongo 	Hey, cut it … cut it out, will ya, guys? I'm looking for Gonzo! You see, I was — hey! Hey, I'm gettin' mad!
Frog Scouts	One two three four one two! Three four!
Quongo 	I'm gettin' outta here!
 	Applause. Quongo runs into Gonzo in the wings.
 	
Quongo 	Where was ya?
Gonzo 	What's the diff? You was gonna take a dive anyway.
Quongo 	Oh. Yeah. (exits)
=="Call Me"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare. The Frog Scouts join him.
Kermit 	Okay! Well, here we are at the finale, and I bet you know what that means!
Frog Scouts 	Debbie Harry!
Kermit 	That's right, Debbie Harry!
Kermit & Scouts	YAAAYYY!
 	
 	Debbie performs "Call Me" with the Muppet punk band.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, I guess we've just about done it all, even those parts that we shouldn't have. But the best of it was certainly our guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Debbie Harry! YAAAYYY! Yeah! Yeah!
 	Applause. Debbie emerges dressed as a scout.
Debbie 	Thank you, Kermit. Thank you, Kermit. Isn't it terrific? They made me an honorary Frog Scout.
 	The Frog Scouts come out and cheer.
 	
Debbie 	By the way, Kermit, I think it was very nice of you to let the Frog Scouts perform on the show.
Kermit 	Uh …
Mrs. Appleby	Mr. Frog, my boys just did your show, and we never negotiated a deal.
Kermit 	(stammers) But you can't do that to me!
Mrs. Appleby	Hm?
Debbie 	Oh, yes she can, Kermit. She's got her merit badge in deal negotiation.
Kermit 	Uh — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The chatter continues as the credits roll.
 	
Robin 	Can we stay here while we work on our next merit badge?
Statler 	Merit badge in what?
Robin 	Grumpiness.
 	The Frog Scouts laugh while Statler and Waldorf scowl.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts