100% No Stress Day

==Transcript==
(The episode begins with Emily waiting in Dr. Glandz's office. Dr. Glandz walks through the door and gives Emily her results)
Dr. Glandz: Well, all the tests came back and - I hate to say it but, there's nothing wrong with you.
Emily: Then how do you explain this?
(Emily starts throwing her fists into the air)
Emily: Or this?
(She does the same thing with her feet)
Dr. Glandz: I have seen this before from patients under a lot of pressure. Have you been stressed?
Emily: Me?
(Flashback to recent events in her life. She opens a debt statement from the Student Loan Centre, which is so long that it unfolds across the room. She frowns. The next flashback shows her putting her clothes in the tumble dryer, but at too high of a temperature, causing them to set on fire)
Emily: Sweet cashmere Jesus!
(The next flashback shows Emily washing the dishes, and Bridgette approaches her)
Bridgette: Hey, have you seen my vibrator?
Emily: No?
(Both hearing a vibration, they look into the lounge, where Candice is seen playing with the vibrator)
Candice: Whoa!
(The flashback ends, and cuts back to Emily in the doctor's office)
Emily: Nope. All good in the hood.
(Close Enough opening credits play.)
(We cut to Josh, Alex, Bridgette and Candice testing out Josh's new VR game)
Josh: I'd like to thank you guys for giving up part of your Saturday to help me beta-test my new game. Welcome, to Ladder World!
(The shot zooms out and multiple ladders appear around the gang)
Alex:So we just climb the ladders?
Josh: Yeah.
(Montage of everyone testing out the game.)
Josh: Haha! It's working! It's working!
(A glitch in the game causes a ladder to go horizontally go through Alex's knees, causing him to hang off the ladder)
Alex: Agh, Help!
(Josh gasps, and moves over to him)
Alex: Why would you put this in the game, Josh?
(Josh examines it and discovers what's wrong)
Josh: Son of a glitch.
Bridgette: Oh no! Kevin Costner's head from Waterworld!
(A giant head is seen making its way towards Alex)
Alex: Get me out of here!
(The head is about to eat Alex in the game, while Josh, Bridgette and Candice try to pull him out of the ladder)
Alex: I loved you in Draft Day!
(Kevin Costner's head eats everyone, and the scene cuts to reality. The gang are seen with VR helmets on, and scream then begin to run, before getting pulled back onto the ground. Everyone groans, as Josh takes his helmet off)
Josh: So...any feedback?
(Emily busts through the door)
Emily: Great news!
(He starts throwing her fists around again)
Emily: There's nothing wrong with me!
Bridgette: Are you sure about that, Pacquiao?
Emily: Dr. Glandz mentioned some nonsense about stress, but little does she know, I'm immune to it.
(She punches a framed photograph of her and Josh reacting to Candice walking, which falls on the floor)
Alex: Ooh, immune feels like too strong of a word.
Emily: It's fine, I'm just gonna make my to-do list a to-dow-done list! Where's my list?
Josh: Uh, maybe eating something will make you feel better?
(Cut to Josh opening the fridge, but it's empty)
Josh: Uhh...
Emily: Oh great. We don't even have any food!
(She continues throwing her fists around)
Josh: Hey, hey, hey, it's okay. We always have the earthquake ham.
(Cut to Emily opening the freezer, which just contains a bag of ice)
Emily: (screaming) Someone stole the freaking ham!
(Josh and Emily are walking through the kitchen)
Josh: It's gonna be okay.
Emily: Is it, Josh? If an earthquake hits today, guess what we're eating? Each other!
Alex: I don't know, you're all too bony for my taste.
(Emily's list is behind Alex)
Emily: Ah! Found it.
(Emily picks up her list, but Josh quickly snatches it off her)
Josh: I'll take care of that.
Emily: What? No.
(Emily continues throwing her fists and feet while Josh adds to her list)
Josh: You need a break. Let me give you a stress free day.
Emily: This is a bad idea.
Josh: No, I promise I'll put one hundred percent of my mind to it.
(Zoom into Josh's brain, which is covered in cobwebs, and the occasional static electricity)
Emily: My last fortune cookie did tell me to trust Josh more.
Bridgette: Come with me. It's time for you to loosen up.
(She puts her arm around Emily, and walks off)
Bridgette: No-Stress is my middle name. I had it legally changed - I was high.
(Cut to the Part Foods Grocery Store, where Josh, Alex and Candice are searching for a new ham)
Josh: Man, Em is gonna be so stoked that we're breezing through this list.
(He looks at the list)
Josh: Last thing: Earthquake Ham!
(They line up for the butcher)
Butcher: Next!
Josh: I'll take your finest ten dollars worth of ham, my good man.
Butcher: Psht, you busting my balls, man? Haven't you heard of the SoCal ham shortage?
(He looks at the TV)
News Anchor: This local meat artisan runs the only business in town that still has ham. How are you still hamming it up?
Wurst Bros Leader: Oh, we always keep some around in case of a shortage. But then, whoa! We have to jack up our prices.
(A man is seen in the background wheeling in a box of ham labelled "Not Stolen Hams")
News Anchor: "Not Stolen Hams"?
Wurst Bros Leader: Ugh, no. It's "Not Stolen" (said in a German accent) from Germany. Heheh.
(Cut back to the grocery story, where Josh is disgusted)
Josh: Those guys are ripping everybody off! We're gonna go to that factory and we're gonna get a ham.
(An airhorn noise is heard in the background, which startles Alex. Clowns are seen hiding around the store, Alex grabs Josh)
Alex: (whispering) They found me! I don't know but they found me!
Josh: Who?
Alex: (whispering) The clowns!
(Flashback, Alex is at a circus)
Alex (V.O): Okay, so the circus was in town last week, and I met some clowns who never back down from a bet. So, I told them: "I bet you can't make a giraffe".
(The clown is seen pulling his pants down, revealing a balloon-dog shadow coming from his crotch)
Alex (V.O): I was like: "Ha! That's just a dog!" and he said...
Stripper Clown: Wait for it...
(The head of the balloon-dog grows)
Alex (V.O): Long story short...
(Cut back to the grocery store)
Alex: I owe them three grand!
Josh: Dude!
(They hear another airhorn sound, and see the clowns making their way through the aisles to get to them. They gasp)
Alex: Meat Factory, it is.
Josh: I have all my coupons organised so checkout should be fast!
(Cut to Emily and Bridgette in a car. Bridgette is smoking weed. She passes the joint to Emily) 
Bridgette: (laughs) One hundred percent no stress day.
(Emily takes a drag and immediately starts coughing)
Emily: Holy shit...how long until this hits?
Bridgette: Soon-ish? (Emily begins to hallucinate, and rainbows begin to surround Bridgette) It all depends on your tolerance.
(Emily and Bridgette both laugh in a low-pitch. Emily's face shrinks as he takes another drag. "Stay Fly" by Three Six Mafia plays, as we follow Bridgette and Emily. Graffiti of a bear suddenly roars at Emily, making her scream, Emily starts running and grows paranoid of everyone around her)
Emily: Bridgette!
(She bumps into Mr. Campbell)
Mr. Campbell: Whoops! Emily?
Emily: Agh! Me daughter teacher?
(Cut to establishing shot of Wurst Bros Warehouse, where Josh, Alex and Candice sneak in and hide behind a wooden crate. They watch the meat being produced.)
Candice: Aw sick! Look at what they're putting in the meat!
(Cut to Wurst Bros employees pouring dead animal parts into the meat processing machines) 
Alex: That is...so gross.
Josh: Dude, look up there!
(Zoom into a shot of a pig-shaped sign reading "Not Stolen Hams.")
Josh: I bet there's hams in there.
(A muscular man approaches Josh and Alex from behind and bangs their heads together, knocking them out. Candice is left untouched)
Man: Factory Tour's on Thursdays.
(The muscular man picks up Candice)
Man: Hello sweetie, I have the perfect place for you.
(Close-up of Candice's reaction, before cut to black. The scene fades to Josh and Alex, tied up on two chairs in the factory. They both groan as they regain consciousness.)
Josh: Wha'? Where's Candice? Where is she?
Wurst Bros Leader: Little Missy? She's in a better place now.
(Josh and Alex both gasp)
Wurst Bros Leader: Our Michelin-rated daycare centre!
(Cut to Candice in a Daycare Centre, pressing keys on a keyboard that strongly resembles The Power from Regular Show)
Alex: So you're the ones behind the SoCal ham shortage! You freaking hipster hamburglars!
Wurst Bros Leader: Um, hamburglars are an entirely different and frankly cartoonish type of meat thief, okay? This is a professional operation.
(Cut to a family sitting around the table with a ham peacefully, when suddenly a giant hotdog-shaped truck crashes through their wall, and the Wurst Bros Leader is seen stealing the ham)
Wurst Bros Employees: Get the ham! Get the ham!
(The Wurst Bros hotdog truck drives off as the employees laugh)
Wurst Bros Leader: Our next scam, buttholes! And we're not even trying to make them look like hotdogs! And guess whose buttholes are going in the next batch? Two nosy nerds!
(The muscular man picks up Josh and Alex to drop them down a pit)
Alex: Aw, come on man! Nerd? That word means enthusiast -
(The muscular man drops them both down the pit, towards a large meat grinder blade)
Alex: - and it's not derogatory!
(Josh and Alex land on some blended meat remains, decreasing the time it will take to reach the blade)
Josh: Aw, man! They was only one more item left on the list. Damn you ham!
(The grinder blade begins to grind apart Josh's chair leg. He screams as the camera zooms into his chest to show his heart pumping, a signal is boosted to the brain, he begins to brainstorm as we see maths equations, science hypotheses, and even Neil deGrasse Tyson, we zoom out of Josh's head, he looks around and sees a dead skunk's sharp teeth, and then the rope he is tied up by)
Josh: Thank you, brain.
(As Josh's chair reaches even closer to the blades, he grabs the dead skunk and begins cutting the rope with its teeth, while grunting, he splits the rope and restricts himself between the blended meat, just above the blades, Alex is still on his way down)
Josh: I'm limitless!
(Josh somehow attaches himself to the wall and walks up the pit while dragging Alex along with him on his chair, he throws Alex's rope away and they both reach the top of the pit)
Josh: Let's roll, bitch.
(Josh runs off)
Alex: Who are you?
(Cut to a Jazz concert, where Bridgette is trying to comfort Emily)
Emily: I can't believe we ran into Candice's teacher. He totally knows I'm high.
Bridgette: Relax, he has no idea.
(Jump cut to Emily and Bridgette, who are now sitting on a picnic blanket)
Mr. Campbell: Wine?
Emily: No thanks!
(Emily laughs nervously)
Bridgette: Please.
(Mr. Campbell pours Bridgette a glass of wine. He then takes a hit from a bong, making Emily gasp)
Mr. Campbell: Weed?
Emily: I didn't do it!
Mr. Campbell: Huh?
(Emily begins hyperventilating, and getting paranoid of everything around her, causing her to punch Mr. Campbell in the eye)
Mr. Campbell: Ow! Bitch, use your words!
(Cut to Josh and Alex in the Wurst Bros warehouse, they reach the Ham Room)
Josh: Dude, the ham!
(Josh opens the ham room door)
Josh: Holy shoat!
(There is ham everywhere, they run in and steal it, while laughing, they make a sharp exit)
Alex: Haha, hey! How did you know shoat meant pig?
Josh: I don't know, I just did!
(They continue laughing, as we cut to the Wurst Bros Leader talking to his employees by an open garage door)
Wurst Bros Leader: No, I told you guys I deleted my Facebook. You wanna get in touch with me? You write a letter.
(Josh and Alex can be seen running off with the hams behind them)
Wurst Bros Employee: Hey, they're getting away!
(The leader turns around and sees them)
Wurst Bros Leader: No, no, no! They've got our hams! After them!
(Josh and Alex enter a van and quickly speed off, the Wurst Bros employees enter their hotdog truck and follow. Cut back to the concert, Mr. Campbell is now laying on Bridgette's lap)
Emily: So I work too, which I want to because you know, feminism. I'm just trying so hard to do a good job!
Mr. Campbell: And you are! But it won't feel like it until you start doing things for yourself!
Emily: I don't even know what I like.
Mr. Campbell: Find out! Before you stab a bitch.
(Emily stands up)
Emily: You're right!
(Emily runs off)
Emily: I've gotta find my thing!
Mr. Campbell: Go find it, girl.
(He tears up)
Mr. Campbell: Go find it.
(Cut to Josh and Alex, who now have Candice back, driving off in the van. They fly into the air in slow motion as Candice laughs, leaving Josh and Alex screaming. The speed returns to normal as Josh lands the van abruptly)
Alex: Watch your freaking driving!
(Cut to Emily running through a supermarket, she jumps over a shopping kart, and takes a fidget spinner from a toy shelf and spins it, but she lets go and it hits her in the eye.)
Emily: Agh! Damnit!
(Cut to Josh and Alex driving erratically through the streets, a red light is ahead)
Alex: Red light! Red light!
(Josh steps on the accelerator and manages to dodge a few cars as he makes it passed the light. 
Cut to Emily, who is running through the street and finds a Yoga facility, she tries it out)
Yogi: Good, good, good. Now, this is what 200 degrees feels like.
(Emily's skin begins to creak due to the extreme heat)
Yogi: Feel the fahrenheit.
(Cut to the Wurst Bros gang, approaching the same set of traffic lights that Josh, Alex and Candice had just encountered.)
Wurst Bros Employee: Red light! Red light! Red light!
(The hotdog truck collides between two identical burger-shaped vehicles)
Wurst Bros Leader: Move!
(The hotdog reverses and then immediately accelerates in between the burgers, multiple times, looking extremely suggestive, as a pedestrian can be seen recording the whole thing on their phone. Josh is watching from his rear-view mirror)
Josh: I think we lost them!
Candice: Yes! Hahaha!
(Candice is seen ticking off an additional thing to Emily's list, reading "Lose Bad Guys".
Cut to Emily smashing up a TV with a baseball bat, she then proceeds to clean up the remains)
Emily: Oh God!
(Emily runs off as it is revealed she was in a "Temper Chamber", with several people lining up.
Cut to Josh, Alex and Candice driving in the van.)
Candice: Dog!
(A balloon-dog is seen on the road, Josh comes to a halt)
Alex: That's no dog...
(A foot steps onto the dog-balloon, and zooms out to reveal a Stripper Clown. He honks his airhorn and multiple clowns appear around the street. To make matters worse, the hotdog-truck approaches from behind)
Wurst Bros Leader: No way out now, jabronies!
(From both sides, the Stripper Clowns and Wurst Bros are seen walking towards the van)
Josh: Oh jeez! Oh jeez!
(Once again, we zoom into Josh's fast beating heart, which pumps a signal to his brain, and gives him a flashback to earlier in the grocery store)
Alex: Okay, so the circus was in town last week, and I met some clowns who never back down from a bet-
(We zoom out of Josh's head, as Josh gasps, he climbs onto the roof of the van)
Josh: Stripper Clowns! Hamburglars! We bet our lives...
(The Stripper Clowns and Wurst Bros gasp)
Josh: That you can't beat us in...
(Cut to everybody in Josh's VR game shown at the beginning of the episode)
Josh: Ladder World!
(Everybody is seen climbing ladders, as we cut to the real world where Emily enters her house, to find Josh, Alex, the Stripper Clowns and Wurst Bros all playing Ladder World. She sees Alex on the floor, coughing)
Alex: Emily!
Emily: What's happening?
Alex: You have to take my place...in Ladder World. We bet our lives. They'll kill us all.
Emily: How do I even play?
Alex: Just. Climb. Ladders.
(Alex passes out, as Emily puts his VR helmet on. She is now in the game and doing well)
Emily: Wait, this is actually kinda fun!
(There is a Stripper Clown underneath her, he follows her, laughs, and grabs her ankle)
Stripper Clown: Gotcha!
Emily: Agh!
(Emily's hand begins to slip off the ladder)
Emily: No, no, no, no, no, no!
(Out of nowhere, Josh is seen riding Kevin Costner's head towards Emily's ladder. He bursts through all of the clowns and meat workers, even allowing Kevin Costner's head to bite one of the clowns, knocking everybody but Emily off the ladders)
Josh: That was on purpose!
(As Emily is the only remaining person on a ladder, she is declared the winner)
Emily: I won? Hahahaha! Yes!
(Cut to the real world, Josh and Emily take off their VR helmets)
Josh: Haha! Amazing!
Emily: I feel incredible!
(Josh and Emily kiss, as the Stripper Clowns and Wurst Bros exit their house)
Wurst Bros Leader: Can't we just kill them?
(A Stripper Clown slaps the Wurst Bros Leader)
Stripper Clown: Respect the bet!
(The clown drags him out of the house)
Emily: Whoa, is this my thing? Video games? Guess who's 0% stressed?
(Josh, Alex and Candice cheer, as Bridgette enters the house)
Bridgette: Woo! Hehe!
Emily: Bridgette! Where were you?
Bridgette: I've actually been outside talking to the hottest guy right now.
(A stripper clown pops his head through the door)
Stripper Clown: Anyone wanna see me make a brontosaurus?
Candice: Yeah!
Josh: No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Alex: Do not let him do that!
(End of 100% No Stress Day)
Category:Close Enough Transcripts