Whimsy on Wheels/Transcript

Mano: Good evening, theater nerds, comedy nerds, and anyone in between! Welcome to Play It by Ear, the musical improv show. I'm your host and narrator, Mano Agapion. We have the amazing Jess McKenna, Zach Reino, Zeke Nicholson, and Ross Bryant! Look at these Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers go.
Zach: I'm the leg.
(The others laugh.)
Mano: So if you're watching at home, silence your devices, take a seat and click those filthy socks together. Today's tale follows an ordinary joe who meets an unusual character, gets thrust into a strange new world, and learns an important lesson. In the vein of The Wizard of Oz or Willy Wonka, we bring you "Whimsy on Wheels"!
(The band starts to play the opening theme.)
Mano: We open-in present day Los Angeles. It's a Friday night, and our hero, a homebody at heart, is in their pajamas watching their favorite trashy reality TV show.
(The actors take their positions when Jess notices the word "HOLLYWOOD" out the faux window behind them.)
Jess: Wow!
Mano: Yeah.
Zach: We're in L.A.!
Mano: Yeah, isn't that cool?
Zach: Okay, we're gonna do the show now...
Mano: Okay.
(The show begins with Ross sitting down on one of the props.)
Ross: Ahh, time to relax with my stories.
(Jess and Zeke pretend to be actors on the imaginary television set Ross is watching.)
Jess: I just don't know if we're, like, a love match. He made me a coffee this morning, but it's, like, not how I like my coffee. - 
Zeke: I mean, yeah, I made her a coffee, but it's like, I love beer, not coffee. I don't know if we're a love match.
Ross: I could cut The Midlands' sexual tension with a knife!
Mano: But then... a text message! It's one of our hero's friends inviting them OUT for something our hero definitely doesn't want to do.
(Ross checks his pretend phone as Zach pretend-texts him, and the others follow.)
Zach: Hey, Brendan, do you want to come out to karaoke where everyone sings at the same time with me? It's, like, this new thing where you don't have to wait to do your song in karaoke, because we all go together.
Ross: I... heh heh... kind of called it a night.
Mano: And just then, another text message from another friend with a different invitation out.
Jess: Hey, Brendan, do you want to come out to tag?
Ross: Tag? Is that like an acronym for something?
Jess: No, it's where we watch the movie "Tag" outdoors while playing tag.
Mano: Jumbly me timbers! ANOTHER text message?
Zeke: Brendan, my guy! What it is? Do you want to come out to Star Wars night where we watch all nine original Star Wars at the exact same time?
Ross: A Star Wars simulcast?
Zeke: Simulcast Star Wars.
Mano: We see this all play out in a jaunty group number full of text message specifics like emojis and GIFs and whatever the hell else the kids are using these days.
(The verbal challenge on the screen behind Mano reads "GROUP NUMBER/GROUP CHAT" as the first song, Brendan, You Gotta Come Out, begins.)
Zach: Brendan, you gotta come out here... right now!
Brendan, you gotta come out, come out, come out, come out
Jess: Brendan, you gotta come out
Brendan, you gotta come out
Zach: Right now, oh, right now''
Jess: Brendan, if you don't come out, I'm gonna send you
The one that has the mouth that's just one line
Zach: Brendan, if you don't come out
I'm gonna do the one where the head is turning into slime
Zeke: Brendan, come on out, dog
Yeah, we got a whole damn group
And if you don't come out you know I'm gonna send you
The one that's a big old piece of poop!
(The ensemble take turns showing Ross their pretend phones and dragging him across the stage as he stares at their screens.)
Zach: Read it here, Brendan 
You got to come out, LOLs, no doubt 
Jess: Brendan, you got to come out 
It's gonna be rad, we're gonna watch and play tag 
Zeke: Brendan, you got to come out to a galaxy far away 
Zach: Eggplant peach, eggplant peach, Brendan 
Sorry, that was not for you 
Ross: I'm in for the night, in for the night, and I know that I should 
Go out and spend time with my friends, but my couch is looking pretty good 
(Ross takes a seat as Jess and Zeke pretend to be actors on the television.)
Jess: Oh, Brendan, sit back and put your raft boots on
Jess, Zeke: Brendan
Jess: How about instead you watch a marathon?
Zach: No, no, no, no
Jess: Brendan
Ross: Got to go out, I got to stay in 
Zach: You gotta come out, come out, come out
Jess, Zeke: Stay in, stay in, stay in
Ross: With my friends 
Jess, Zeke: Brendan 
Ross: Got to text back something vague 
Easter Island head 
Jess: Brendan 
Ross: I got to stay in, I got to make it a night 
I haven't even dressed up, I'm here for the night 
I'm looking at a TV and I'm feeling so right 
Zeke: In a galaxy far away
Zach: You gotta come
All: Out
(The band closes out the song.)
Mano: Having finally persuaded their friends to leave them alone, Brendan breathes a sigh of relief.
(Ross sighs.)
Mano: But they ca- (laughs) thank you. But they can't help but reflect on the real reason they don't want to go out tonight.
Ross: I know I should feel lucky. So many people trying to drag me out for the night.
(Zach and Jess make various text tone beeps and sounds)
Ross: Sending me all kinds of emojis.
Zeke: Beep beep beep beep! Silver alert, missing elderly.
Ross: Enough! There's only so much Brendan to go around. Anyway, I've been in this apartment so long I barely know how to interact with people in person anymore.
Mano: Oh good, a reason.
(Cast laughs as Ross stands up from his seat.)
Ross: Yeah, there's a reason, a super important and clear, concise reason why I've got to stay in. I've stayed in so long, how could I even talk to anyone in public without being a little awkward?
Mano: I think it's time for a song about these feelings that will include the name of as many streaming platforms as possible.
(The verbal challenge on the screen behind Mano reads "STREAMING PLATFORMS" as the next song, Stay In And Stream, begins.)
Ross: Why would I talk to anybody and risk being weird when I've got my TV right here? All my real friends are there.
(Ross sits back down and the others take their places beside him, posing and swaying as characters from his television. The lights dim and there is a spotlight on Ross.)
Ross: Why go out? When I could say no 
Am I being left out? Well, I say no FOMO 
Because I'm paying so many streaming bills 
Why would I go out when I could just Netflix and chill? 
So why would I go outside when I could stay here and live the dream?
What would you do if you got Hulu 
And you could just stay in and stream?
Ensemble: Stay in and stream, stay in and stream, stay in and stream 
Stay in and stream, stay in and stream, stay in and stream
(The ensemble backs off, leaving Ross in center stage.)
Ross: So I might seem boring, that's how it seems 
But I can watch Criterion Channel and live my high culture dreams 
And take me away on your cathode ray beams 
I'm kicked back, watching Pluto TV 
Ensemble: Stay in and stream, stay in and stream, stay in and stream 
Ross: On my Roku
Ensemble: Stay in and stream, stay in and stream, stay in and stream 
Ross: I'm even watching go90 and Seeso 
Zach: No longer available 
Ross: Can't wait to watch some archival Crackle shows 
Ensemble: Stay in and stream 
Ross: Oh, pictured so many things, let's see how it goes 
Jess: Stay in and stream 
Ross: So from this friend group you'll have to remove me 
Peace out, friends, I got a new friend named Tubi 
Ensemble: Stay in and stream 
Ross: I'm gonna stay in and stream 
Ensemble: Stay in stream 
Ross: Gonna live all my dreams 
Ensemble: Stay in and stream 
Ross: Oh yeah 
Ensemble: Stay in and stream, stay in and stream 
Ross: This is chaotic, this I can control 
With all my friends from Funimation and Crunchyroll 
Zach: Stay in and stream 
Ross: Goodbye friends, I'm gonna stay in 
All: Stay in and stream 
Jess: I'm buzzing.
Mano: And not one of them was Dropout.
Ross: Hey, but at least it's a reason.
Mano: Me and Ross are in a fight. But for right now, buzz buzz, our hero's phone mysteriously vibrates. 
(Ross takes out and looks at his pretend phone.)
Mano: An app they've never seen before appears onscreen. It looks like a rideshare app or something, with a very peculiar name.
Ross: I never remember downloading the Gogu app.
(Jess leans out from a panel in the set.)
Jess: Pickup in four minutes.
Ross: I've got a pickup in four minutes in my new Gogu?
Mano: And with a flash of psychedelic color and a burst of music, they are transported inside the car, yes, with a whimsical driver at the wheel.
(Lights flash and the band strikes up as Ross spins into the "back seat" of a car made of seats with Zeke as the driver.)
Zeke: Woo! What up? It's your Gogu ride.
Ross: Did I black out for a second?
Zeke: Nah, Gogu is the app that orders the ride that you need, not the ride that you want. You need to be taken on a journey, my man. My question is, what, are you ready?
Ross: No, I'm not ready. I was ready to stay in for the night watching all of my favorite shows.
Zeke: But that's not what you need, my guy, all right? You need to be transported outside your bubble and back into the real world, and me, your wacky, friendly driver Jerome, is here to do that for you.
(Zach passes by the car, imitating a fish.)
Ross: Hold on, Jerome, are we currently under the sea?
Zeke: Could be, my man. Could be, if that's what you need.
(Zach imitates a bird flying past and Jess makes a whale noise.)
Ross: Oh, but now where are we? We might be on an alpine peak, I guess.
Zeke: Could be, could be.
(Jess passes by, hands as claws up and mouthing a roar.)
Ross: Oh no, a...bear!
(Jess gives him a thumbs up for identifying her correctly.)
Zeke: That's right. We're in the woods now.
Mano: Before our driver whisks our hero away, they'll give us a taste of the magical journey that's in store, featuring the phrase, "A change of gears."
(The verbal challenge on the screen behind Mano reads "'A CHANGE OF GEARS'" as the next song, A Change Of Gears, begins.)
Zeke: You feeling a little spooked out?
Jess: Ooh 
(Zach whistles.)
Zeke: But in a gentle way.
Ross: Yeah, normally I'm not so into the music with rideshares.
(The lights cast a blue hue across the set.)
Zeke: Just sit back, sit back and relax 
Take your mind off the streaming, you don't need HBO Max 
Put away, put away all your spooky fears 
'Cause what you need right now, my man, is a change of gears 
Look outside the starboard side, tell me, what do you see?
(Jess stands at waves at the car.)
Zeke: It's your high school principal, Mrs. Libertini 
Jess: Brendan!
Ross: Hey, Mrs. L.
Ross: Are you still friends with Tyler?
Ross: We say we're friends, but I guess I haven't hung out with him in a while.
Zach: You could call me anytime.
(Jess and Zach pose in sync, one hand waving and the other on this hips.)
Zeke: Look outside the starboard side 
I think that's starboard, I'm not sure 
Ross: Pretty sure that's port 
(Zach and Jess mimic two boatmen pulling a rope for sails and throwing harpoons.)
Zeke: That could be port 
But again, this is a car and not a boat 
Tell me, Brendan, what do you see?
What are we looking at?
(Zach imitates a whale eating a frightened Jess.)
Ross: It seems to be a whale eating a guy in a couple of seconds flat 
Are you saying that the world is big and I should go out there 
Not be such a fish out of water or a bird out of air?
(Jess and Zach pass the car imitating a fish and a bird.)
Zeke: Brendan, I'm not gonna ask no more, I'm not gonna plead 
'Cause Gogu is the rideshare app you don't want, it's the one you need 
Ensemble: That you need 
Zeke: Just a little change of gears, a little change of gears 
Ensemble: That you need 
Zeke: Just a little change of gears, go out and face your fears 
Ensemble: That you need 
Zeke: Just a little change of gears, and now you know 
Here with Gogu, I've been your fun, wacky driver, Jerome
Ensemble: Jerome 
Zeke: See you on the other side, my man.
Ross: Other side?!-
(Ross spins out of his seat, still speaking as he whirls away.)
Ross: Five stars!
Zeke: Thank you!
Mano: Poppy fields be damned, I am tripping out. Now we get more colors, more music. In fact, everyone's being transported through the portal into a new and different world.
Zeke: That's right, you thought the ride would be over when we got out of my car, but you'd be wrong.
Ross: Yeah, this is really full service.
Zeke: That's right. Let me show you a little something.
(Zeke leads Ross around the stage and comes up to Jess, holding a pretend tray.)
Jess: Hi. Pizza pocket?
Ross: Yeah.
Jess: Take a bite and tell me what it tastes like to you.
Ross: Oh wow, it's a savory celebration in my mouth.
(Zeke and Ross walk over to Zach, who is holding an imaginary lead.)
Zeke: What do you see here?
Zach: This is my goat of many colors.
Zeke: A goat of many colors.
Zach: What color does it look like to you?
Ross: Sort of an opalescent turquoise.
Zach: That's right, and wrong, and up, and down.
Ross: Whoa.
Mano: And just then, a second passenger joins for this magical journey.
Jess: Whoa!
(Jess bellows as Zeke and Ross look around. She jumps and lands between them.)
Mano: And pause, because that is not just anyone, it's a well known figure from history.
Jess: How did I get here? Oh, I'm sorry, I get this a lot. Yep, it's true, it is me, Michelangelo.
Zeke: Michelangelo.
Ross: Whoa!
Jess: Yeah.
Ross: I'm glad you said it, because I don't have a picture in my head of what Michelangelo looks like.
Jess: Oh, I'm sorry, yeah. Sorry, yes.
(The verbal challenge on the screen behind Mano reads "'KNOW YOUR HISTORY" as the next song, A Renaissance, begins.)
Ross: Michelangelo, we need your help.
Jess: Cowabunga.
Ross: I wish I was as courageous as you, Michelangelo. I mean, you carved a Pieta when you were still in your 20s.
Jess: Wow.
Ross: I'm pretty sure.
Jess: What's your name, kid?
Ross: The name's Brendan.
Ross: I wish you were more sure of yourself.
Ross: I'm not sure of myself.
Jess: Oh, Brendan, listen.
I was once like that, used to wander and keep to myself 
But then I thought, why not celebrate and put myself up on a shelf?
But I called it a rafter, and I laid on my back 
And I painted a ceiling, can you relate to that?
Or maybe, have you ever not known what to do 
The path was so odd and sprawling in front of you 
Like maybe there's too many options, there is too much choice 
So instead, you make none and you limit your voice 
'Cause it's endless and open, like that vast... Aegean Sea 
Ross: Sure.
Jess: That's what it sometimes has felt like to me 
And in that moment, I think not of what the stone is, but what the stone could be 
And I chisel it, chisel it, chisel it, until it presents itself to me 
So start with a little bit and then a little bit more 
And then suddenly a masterpiece takes form 
Zach: Takes form 
Ross: I've been a viewer so long, just passively watching the world as it goes by 
But you laid on your back and made masterpieces because you tried 
Jess: Right.
Ross: So maybe I could step out, and simply take a chance 
This is a rebirth, of sorts 
Jess: Oh wait, do you mean it's more of a...
Jess and Ross:  Renaissance 
Zeke: Thank you, Michelangelo.
Jess: No problem, Jerome. Cowabunga.
Zeke: Cowabunga.
Mano: More colors, more music. 
(Lights of different colors flash onto the stage.
Mano: As they continue onward into this strange world, this time, a well known character from myth or legend joins them.
Zach: Hail, ye. I am Jamesinaur, half man, half centaur.
Ross: You're half man, half centaur? So you're two thirds man?
Zach: Correct, two thirds man, just a little bit horse.
Ross: Well met, Jamesinaur.
Zach: Well met, you. Brendan, I feel?
Ross: I am Brendan. There was a time that I wouldn't have even put myself out there like that.
Zeke: Wow, you're already making progress.
Mano: In another song, we'll learn what brings our mythological character out tonight, and it must also include anecdotes from lore that are probably true about centaurs.
Jess: And Jameses?
Zach: Just to be clear, anecdotes that are true, about centaurs.
(The cast laughs.)
Ross: Facts.
Zach: Got it.
Jess: Facts about centaurs.
Zach: Centaur facts!
Mano: And I want to hear a little bit of a scatting solo in there.
(The verbal challenge on the screen behind Mano reads "'SKEE-BEEP DE BOO-BOP" as the next song, That's A Centaur, begins.)
Zach: Well, young Brendan, I don't know what sort of journey you're on, but I have always found when one meets a fellow traveler on the road, in sharing things about each other, sometimes they come to a higher understanding. For example, who have you bested in battle recently?
Ross: Un... N-n-nobody.
Zach: Oh. Have you known the thrill of combat of any kind? Maybe a manticore came at you? Maybe you were like, oh no, a griffin, got to defend my territory.
Ross: Jamesinaur, I'm more into watching shows, not so much into bloodsport.
Zach: Oh, hm.
Ross: Except the movie "Bloodsport", which rules.
Zach: Well, what is a battle but a show you watch from the inside? 
What is a remote control but a little, tiny, blunt spear?
Picture it longer and taking you into a world far out of here 
You need to go on a journey, yeah, get on the attack 
And you could ride on me, but I'm not the kind of horse, I don't have a horse's back 
(Zach side steps across the set, as the others dance along.)
Get a battle, get on a battle 
Get your own battle, it's on every channel 
And if you battle and you really want to battle like me 
(Zach scats passionately.)
If you want to not be treated like cattle 
You got to fight your own battles 
(Zach scats some more.)
Jess: Oh, Jamesinaur, I really am loving your point of view, man, but can you tell me some more specific facts about your life?
Zach: Oh sure, about centaurs and their historical importance?
Zeke: And ideally, sort of the life cycle.
Zach: Of a centaur?
Zeke: Birth to death.
Jess: The gestational period.
Zeke: Yeah, yeah, yeah. How does reproduction work?
Zach: Buckle up, all my little friends, because this part is gonna be fun
It's time for factual, historical, actual facts, Centaurs 101 
Jess: Woo!
Zach: Well, all little centaurs hatch out of an egg 
Jess: Wow!
Zach: They come out quick, and they got horsey legs 
The legs grow first, and then the torso is next 
Jess: Whoa!
Zach: A torso and legs, what did you expect?
And then they walk around just a little like this 
(Zach does a little strut with his arms tight to his sides and chest and the others copy him.)
They give a little horsey
(Zach scats.)
Zach: And then what comes next, well, you'd be surprised
A full grown horse, right before your eyes 
So egg, legs, torso, horse 
And then another human comes around, of course 
And they smoochy smoochy smooch 
(Zach scats.)
Zach: And then they get down, and then the lady 
(Zeke does a cradling motion and lifts an imaginary egg.)
Zach: Has, of course, an egg for a baby 
And then that egg hatches and out, would you believe on shining star?
All: That's a centaur 
That's a centaur
That's a centaur
That's a centaur, that's a centaur
(Zach scats.)
Zach: You know who you are, when you are a centaur 
Zabuzwee, zabuzway.
Jess, Ross, Zeke: Zabuzwee, zabuzway.
Zach: Thank you, that is the historical way to greet a centaur.
Zeke: Indeed.
Jess: Indeed.
Zeke: Do you feel like you're learning, Brendan?
Zach: Yes, did I teach you something, Brendan?
(Ross flinches back from Zach's hand clapping his arm.)
Ross: Ow!
Jess: Brendan, are you learning yet?
Zach: Are you learning yet?
Zeke: Are you learning?
(They continue jabbing at Ross as he recoils from the touch and the yelling.)
Ross: Yes, yes! Gosh, I learned that I should take a chance on pizza pockets freely given. I learned that in order to be an artist of sorts, I shouldn't just look at the art, but try to make it and be it, and that in a way, I've got to fight my own battles, and also that the life cycle of a centaur begins with an egg.
Zach: Egg.
Ross: Hatches, then you have a horse's legs.
Zach: Legs, that's right.
Zeke: Torso.
Ross: Which grows into a torso, then grows into a full horse. A human comes along.
All: Smoochy smoochy smooch.
Ross: You know the rest. They lay an egg. Then the egg hatches. Then you got a c-c-c-centaur. Zabuzwee.
Zach and Zeke: Zabuzway.
Jess: Jamesinaur, one quick followup.
Zach: Yes, Michelangelo, I'd love to answer any further questions.
Jess: How long does it exist as just legs?
Zach: It's an awkward two years.
Jess: Two years as legs?
Zach: Legs walking around.
Mano: In the scenes and songs that follow, using the magical rideshare app Gogu, they'll go wheresoever they please while Brendan and his friends find ways to solve everyone's problems.
(The verbal challenge on the screen behind Mano reads "BE OF SERVICE" as the next song, With Our Powers Combined [Solving Personal Problems By Dinnertime], begins.)
Zeke: You know what, we were just walking around before, but I think it's time to get back in my all-terrain vehicle. 
(A car is again constructed out of seats. Zeke is the driver, Ross in passenger, with Jess and Zach in the back.)
Zeke: And here we go!
All: WHOA!
Jess: Hey, Jerome.
Zeke: Yeah?
Jess: Why are we hurtling back towards Renaissance Rome? This is where I'm from.
Ross: Perhaps there's some unfinished business you need to attend to, Michelangelo.
Zeke: That's right, if you're in this car, it means that there's a journey that you need.
Ross: But hey, Michelangelo, whatever you do, you won't be doing it alone.
Zeke: Together, we can solve any personal problem.
Jess: By dinnertime!
Zeke: By dinnertime.
Zach: Our powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
Ross: Yeah!
(All, minus Zeke who is steering, cross their arms in an X in front of their chests as they sing "powers combined".)
All: Our powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
Jess: No problem is just yours, it is also mine 
All: With our powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
(They get out of the car and take places in a new scene, Jess on one side and the three on another.)
Ross: Michelangelo, this-a chapel is-a no complete.
Zach: Look at-a this, all-a the paint on all-a the walls, it's-a so boring, it's so drab.
Zeke: Why you don't make-a the ceiling more-a corbel?
Ross: For this, I might-a have to ex-a-communicate.
Jess: Man, it's such a total bummer having to make my art because it's only supported by the church. But they pay my bills so I can create this amazing work. But I wish they would just get off my back sometimes.
Zach: Wait.
Jess: And let me relax so I can actually create something beautiful and wondrous. When they give me so much feedback, I can't decide what's my idea and what's theirs.
Zach: Sometimes, if you need the space, fight them back and make the space for yourself.
Jess: Oh, okay, Jamesinaur.
Zeke: And remember, you're not alone in this journey. You've got an entire group of friends helping you.
Jess: Thanks, Jerome.
Ross: Sometimes the greatest freedom you can have is the freedom provided by structure.
Zeke: That's right.
Jess: That's a good point.
Ensemble: With our powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
Jess: Hey, Vatican! Listen up. I got a ton of notes, but I'm gonna start with this.
You got to give me more time, you got to give me more time 
You got to give me more time 
Ensemble: You got to give him more time
Jess: I'm only asking for this, just a little 
You can't look at the art when it's still in the middle 
I'm still refining, still drawing the lines 
You got to give me more time, you got to give me more time
Ensemble: We got to give him more time 
Zach: Okay, we're-a give you more time. I didn't realize it was-a not-a finished yet. 
Jess: Yeah!
Zeke: Michelangelo, I'm sorry, but we are not finished yet
Jess: You're right.
Zeke: We just solved your problem, so everybody, get your asses back in the jet 
All: Powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
WHOA!
With our powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
Jess: Thank you three, you really had my back, and now who's the next in line?
Zach: Probably me.
Ross: Whoa!
All: Powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
(They get out of the car and into another scene.
Ross: Look! It's the veil of Greece, the Arcadian Hills 
As plain as plain could be 
Zach: Yeah, that's right, that's what it is.
Ross: All of these places right on the shore of the Aegean Sea 
(Zeke gallops around as a full grown centaur, while Jess kicks and walks as a baby one.)
Zach: Ah yes, see? A not yet grown centaur, just legs. Looks to be about 1 1/2. Hang in there, buddy. Oh no.
It's the cyclops, I really, really hate that guy 
(Zeke has his hand curled in an O on his forehead to represent a singular eye. He ducks down and makes an explosion sound.)
Zach: He's always looking at me judgmentally with his laser eye 
Zeke: My laser eye, that's right.
Zach: What do you want, cyclops?
Zeke: Oh, Jamesinaur, you're not even a mythical creature that people know about.
Zach: So? Just because people don't know about me doesn't mean I'm not as real as all the other mythical creatures.
Zeke: Okay, yeah, sure, knees down horse, that's a cool set of powers.
Zach: I don't have anything cool to say to him. He has such sweet dunks to do on me.
Ross: He's burning you pretty bad.
Jess: Jamesinaur, listen. Cyclops lives on a big stone island. I love carving stuff from stone. If you just convince him to carve himself around his little rock, he's gonna, like, float away on the smaller part.
Zach: Listen, cyclops, you big, giant, big old nerd 
Oh, look over there, it's encroaching, it's a tiny bird
Better zap it with your laser 
(Ross makes a bird with his hands and Zeke zaps it with his eye. Jess calls over to him to also make him attack.)
Zach: And there's a bird, and there's a bird 
And there's a bird, and there's a bird 
Jess: Over here, over here, over here!
Zach: And oh no, I am smiling 
Because you're floating away on an island 
(Zeke clumsily backs up as if floating away. Zach waves goodbye.)
Zeke: You tricked me!
Zach: I don't know if he can swim, but either way, I feel good about how that went. Thank you, I could not have done that alone.
Zeke: Back to the jet, gang.
(The are back in the jet/car, Jess and Zach take matching poses with one leg up on a seat.)
Ross: I'm getting pretty hungry, guys.
Zeke: Oh no, it's 3:30 PM. Dinnertime is soon.
Jess: We got to go!
Ross: Pick up the pace.
All: With our powers combined, we're gonna solve personal problems by dinnertime 
Zach: Tempo up!
All: Our powers combined, solving personal problems by dinnertime 
Zeke: Maybe at the same time, we should combine our problems 
Zach: You have problems? Or are you sort of the narrator guiding us?
Jess: I thought you were a mythical guy.
Zeke: My thing is that I'm a driver, but I really want to be an actor.
Zach: Let's just solve this real quick. You could definitely, I mean, you got such charisma.
Jess: You have the charisma.
Zeke: Thank you.
Ross: You got an amazing look, great skin, poise.
Zeke: I'll get headshots tomorrow.
Zach: You feel good?
Zeke: I'm good to go.
Zach: Check, moving on.
Ross: Whoa. There it is.
(They leave the car for the last stop, Ross watching the other three on their pretend phones.)
Jess: Man, I wish Brendan would just come out.
Zeke: Brendan, I just wish you would come out, man.
Jess: Brendan, I just wish you would come out and hang out with us.
Zeke: Brendan, come on out.
Zach: Yeah, it's like, is he even our friend? I invited him to karaoke where we all sing at the same time.
Jess: And I invited him to tag where we play tag...
Zach and Jess: While watching "Tag".
Zeke: Do you see, Brendan? Your repeated denials of your friends has an emotional toll on them.
Jess: Pretty soon, I'm gonna stop asking.
Zach: At first, I thought it was that he didn't want to do the activity, and then I thought, that can't be. Cacophony-oke is so great.
Jess: Tag tag's so fun.
Zach: But then I thought, maybe it's not the activity. Maybe he doesn't want to hang out with me.
Ross: That's not how it is, guys.
Zach and Jess: Brendan, you're here! With us!
Zeke: And I'm here.
Ross: Yeah.
Zeke: Yeah, "Star Wars" guy.
Jess: Wait, those other friends behind you, they're turning into dust?
(Zach, Jess, and Zeke, twirl around)
Zach: And the dust is turning into...us?
(The scene transitions into Ross sitting back in his seat, with the others shaking him awake.)
Zach: Brendan, wake up. 
Jess: Brendan.
Zeke: Brendan, wake up!
Jess: Wake up, man!
Zeke: Wake up!
Jess: You've been streaming for 17 hours straight. Every single one of the platforms is asking, are you sure you're still watching?
Zach: Yeah, Peacock's doing it, Paramount Plus is doing it.
Jess: Hulu's doing it.
Ross: Oh my god, in the time I've done it, Crackle and go90 have disappeared.
Jess: Disney Plus is doing it. Dropout's not doing it, because you can watch as much as you want.
Ross: What an amazing platform.
Zach: We came to check on you because we've been texting you and you just never texted back, and we got worried.
Ross: I'm sorry, guys, I was just...I was just caught in the siren song of streaming content.
Mano: As you can see, our hero is now truly appreciating what they've learned today, and in an emotional solo that will turn into a group number, the cast will touch our hearts, and at some point, this song or songs will incorporate the phrase, "The rear-view mirror."
(The verbal challenge on the screen behind Mano reads "'THE REAR-VIEW MIRROR'" as the next song, Friendship Is Closer Than It Appears, begins.)
Ross: Watching on the sidelines, too scared to go in
So scared of the ending, I couldn't even begin
Didn't want to go out, scared of what I might say
About Tag or playing tag, if I did it in a weird way 
Jess: It's not what we're doing, it's who we do it with
If all you felt was like streaming, then I'd come over and sit 
Zach: And here's the thing you got to know, we can't make this more clear 
In the rear-view, friendship is closer 
Ensemble: Than it may appear 
Closer than it appears 
Ross: I should have just hung out with you and had the guts to start 
Because every activity you do is like a work of art 
Jess: Aw, thanks, man.
Ross: And when we hang out, oh, you bring such force 
When we're together, bro, it's like you're 1/3 horse 
Zach: What? Yeah!
Zeke: And what about me, how's our friendship seem?
Ross: No matter where I want to be, you find a way to get me there 
Zeke: That's right.
All: In the rear-view, friendship is closer than it appears 
In the rear-view, friendship is closer than it appears 
Zach: So what do you want to do 
Your friends will be there next to you 
Jess: Whoa, does anyone else smell pizza pockets? Whoa, they're-they're here...Amazing! Do you feel like just staying in tonight?
Zach: Yeah, we could just chill on the couch and watch any number of streaming services such as Amazon Prime.
Zeke: Also, look at the box of pizza pockets. On it is your high school principal, Mrs. Libertini.
Jess: I'm proud of you!
Ross: Thanks, Mrs. L!
Zach: Let's couch crash, y'all.
Ross: Yeah.
(Everyone creates a couch made of four seats and takes a spot, holding pretend pizza pockets.)
Ross: So let's just stay in, but it's more than it seems 
'Cause we're all here together, flowing on the stream 
Zach: Stay in the stream
Ross: Thank you, wherever you are, guys for helping me see clearer 
'Cause friendship's closer in the
All: Rear-view mirror 
Jess: Cowabunga!
Ross: Turtle power.
(They bite into the pizza pockets and immediately start fanning their mouths.)
Jess: Oh, they're hot, they're hot, they're hot. Let them cool, let them cool, let them cool.
Mano: You see, there really was no place like home all along.
Jess: Wow.
Mano: Bravo! Bravissima! Amazing! Keep it going for our incredible performers as they take a bow. Zach Reino, Jess McKenna, Ross Bryant, and Zeke Nicholson. And we must thank our band, Brett Morris, Dana Wickens, and Scott Passarella. Well, that's curtains for us here at "Play It by Ear". Once again, I'm Mono Agapion. Thank you so much for joining us, and remember, if you're ever unprepared, just wing it, bitch. Goodnight!