Equality

Equality is the second episode of season five, and the forty-fourth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on May 15, 2021.
==Plot==
Mr. Pepperchicken questions his signature anti-LGBT stance when he makes a startling discovery.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Pepperchicken and Ms. Star are having a date.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [mutters to himself] It’s now or never, I need to propose to her.
Ms. Star: So, Tim, what are your thoughts on the Equality Act?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Why do you ask?
Ms. Star: I think Congress is debating it now.
Mr. Pepperchicken: How do I put this? Uh...IT’S A MOCKERY OF THE IDEALS OUR MASTER RACE HAS PRESERVED FOR ALL TIME! Congress is full of gays! They think they can make Russians like us equal to all the others, but we will come out victorious.
Ms. Star: [scoffs] Whatever. I need to go to the bathroom. [walks away]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [mutters to himself] And I need to lick your nice sexy Russian kitten pussy! [a liquid suddenly bursts out of his dick] Ahhh, she’s so hot. One day this will go into her. [reaches into his pants to take and lick the liquid] Wait a minute, this isn’t cum, it’s piss! I need to go to the bathroom as well.
[Mr. Pepperchicken walks to the men’s room, but when he opens the door, he sees Ms. Star.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Patricia?! What are you doing here?! This is the men’s room!
Ms. Star: Mr. Krabs found out I was trans, so he forced me to only use the bathroom of my biological sex.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Biological—WAIT A MINUTE! YOU’RE A MAN?!
Ms. Star: A trans woman—
Mr. Pepperchicken: [holds his hands behind his head] Oh Neptune, I can’t believe this at all! What are you gonna tell me next, Patricia? You’re NOT a nice sexy Russian kitten?
[Ms. Star stares blankly at the camera.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: How did Mr. Krabs find out you were “trans”? Perhaps he’s just lying to you!
Ms. Star: He tried to rape me the other day, but he stopped when he saw a dick come out when he pulled down my pants. I won’t have it for much longer though, I’m on hormone replacement therapy, and once I have the money I’ll undergo sex reassignment—
Mr. Pepperchicken: NO! NO! NO! THIS CAN’T BE!
Ms. Star: See for yourself. [pulls down her pants]
[Mr. Pepperchicken faints. He wakes up the next day at the Bikini Bottom General Hospital.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [wakes up] Oh man…
Mr. Putin: Thank goodness you’re alive, Timothy! Not that I’m surprised or anything, as Russians always stay alive!
Mr. Pepperchicken: I just had this nightmare where my girlfriend was a transgender starfish! Oh, the horror!
Mr. Putin: Your girlfriend sent you a photo of her and some flowers. [hands the items over to Mr. Pepperchicken]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [stares at the photo] Ah, my dear girlfriend. [suddenly notices a bulge in her pants] Is that...IS THAT A—[faints]
Mr. Putin: Oh boy.
[A few days later, Mr. Pepperchicken is released from the hospital, and Mr. Banana gives him a ride.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’ve come to accept it now.
Mr. Banana: Accept what?
Mr. Pepperchicken: My girlfriend is transgender.
Mr. Banana: Absolutely not.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Huh?
Mr. Banana: There is no way transgender folks are allowed on kids shows like NMiBB. Only nude strawberries are!
Mr. Pepperchicken: I insist she is!
Mr. Banana: Well, how are you going to kill her?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I’m not.
Mr. Banana: WHAT
Mr. Pepperchicken: I know, you’re shocked. For the past 14 years I have been taught to kill LGBT people on sight. But I genuinely love her!
Mr. Banana: All that time in and out of consciousness must’ve really bent your ruler there, Tim. Perhaps an anti-Equality Act rally can straighten you out.
[Mr. Pepperchicken and Mr. Banana go to an anti-Equality Act rally, where they are joined by Ms. Price.]
Ms. Price: Hmm...I can’t spot any Muslims here! I thought they hated trans people!
[Suddenly, Mr. Lobster walks up to a podium.]
Mr. Lobster: We are witnessing the next step in the DEEP STATE’S ATTEMPT TO KILL OUR COUNTRY. It’s called the “Equality Act”. They say it would make everyone in this country equal, but it would actually destroy our schools with homosexuality and transgenderism, otherwise known as SATANIC PEDOPHILIA!
[The crowd boos and chants “DOWN WITH THE DEEP STATE!”]
Mr. Lobster: Supporters of this demonic deal always say, our complaints about LGBT people are ridiculous and based on fear rather than the facts. Okay? If we base our stance here on the facts, we might as well base all our stances on the facts. AND THAT WOULD MEAN THE DESTRUCTION OF BIKINI BOTTOM ITSELF.
[The crowd chants "SAVE BIKINI BOTTOM!"]
Mr. Lobster: But there is nothing to fear. As the House Minority Leader, I will lead the fight in thwarting this proposal! And if this legislation passes, I will prevent it from being signed by the illegitimate President, using any means necessary! [pounds his claws together]
Mr. Biden: [shouts out] You tell him, Larry!
Mr. Lobster: That’s what I like to hear! Now, at this time tomorrow, the Equality Act will be brought to a vote. I need you PATRIOTS to stand back and stand by in support of me, and fight anyone against me! What do you say?
[The crowd cheers and chants “LARRY! LARRY! LARRY!”]
Mr. Banana: This is great. Feeling the energy come back to you, Tim?
Mr. Pepperchicken: I—I can’t. I have to go. [runs away]
Mr. Banana: Good lord, this must’ve been the work of evil modern medicine!
[Mr. Pepperchicken runs to Ms. Star’s house and knocks on the door.]
Ms. Star: [opens the door] Oh, Tim, you’re back! Are you alright?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Nope. The Equality Act will be brought to a vote tomorrow, but Mr. Lobster is organizing a horde to intimidate its supporters! We have to get a horde of our own to counter that!
Ms. Star: Tim?
Mr. Pepperchicken: Enough talk! Time to start organizing!
[The next day at the Capitol. As Representatives enter the chamber, pro- and anti-Equality Act protestors are jeering at each other.]
Mr. Banana: WE WILL NOT LET YOU EXPOSE CHILDREN TO INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR!
Mr. Pepperchicken: We will not let bigots like you prevail!
Mr. Krabs: From now on, when I rob women of their panties, I should always expect to see a pussy underneath!
Mr. Sullivan: Oh, Krabs, who cares what’s underneath, the joy comes from seizing and smelling those beautiful panties! Especially rabbit panties!
Mrs. Sullivan: DAN! [slaps him]
Mr. Banana: [speaks gently] C’mon, Tim, I know that homophobic transphobic anti-semitic ultra-Russian nationalist is inside you. I know it is!
Ms. Star: Tim, I just wanted to let you know that I’m happy you’re fighting for this. You’re the best boyfriend ever!
Mr. Banana: You can break free from this leftist nonsense! It’s not who you are, it’s a mental disorder!
Ms. Star: I want to spend my whole life with you!
Mr. Banana: Timothy M. Pepperchicken, cease this blasphemy at once.
Ms. Star: I love you! I want to marry you! [grabs Mr. Pepperchicken and kisses him]
Mr. Banana: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Cut to a tent on a remote labor camp.]
Mr. Pepperchicken: [jolts out of bed and takes his gun] I WILL NOT SUBMIT TO THIS ANTI-RUSSIAN HACKING! AHHHH!!!! [gets out of the tent and fires multiple rounds into the air]
[Suddenly, Mr. Banana rushes to the scene.]
Mr. Banana: HEY! What’s going on?! ARE YOU TRYING TO SHOOT MY STRAWBERRIES?! I just spent a billion dollars to buy this, and I won’t let you take it all away!
Mr. Pepperchicken: I just had this nightmare that my girlfriend was a transgender starfish! Oh, the horror!
Mr. Banana: Oh dear. Well, calm down, Tim, it’s just a dream! You’re a serf, remember? Your wife is an obedient 17-year-old nice sexy Russian kitten!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Oh yeah!
Mr. Banana: Now go back to sleep, because if you don’t, you’ll be too tired to work on the strawberry fields, and I’ll have to throw you in the dungeon for unproductivity!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Of course.
[The episode ends as Mr. Pepperchicken goes back to sleep.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fifth Season
Category:Episodes
Category:2021 Episodes