Episode 102: Garth Brooks/transcript

==Cold Open==
 	Backstage, Clifford encounters Rizzo.
Clifford	Yo, Riz, how's everything going with the Garth Brooks show?
Rizzo 	Oh, it's going great. We've got Garth singing "The Thunder Rolls" with the Longhorn Cheddar Cheeses —
 	One of them passes by, mooing.
Clifford	'Kay. Sounds good.
Rizzo 	Yeah. We've got Garth singing "Papa Loves Mama" with the Barbershop Cactus Quartet -
Cacti 	(in close harmony a la The Three Stooges) ♪ Hello …
Rizzo 	Hoo-hoo!
Clifford	Sounds good. Heh heh heh.
Rizzo 	Yeah! And then after that, we have Garth with —
Bill 	Ahem.
Rizzo 	Who are you?
Bill 	I'm Bill. Bubbles come out of my head, see? (blows bubbles) Heh. Like it?
Clifford	Whoa.
Rizzo 	Wait a second here. You're not on my list.
Bill 	Oh, yeah. I'm just here looking for work, though.
Rizzo 	(laughs) Come on, Clifford.
Clifford	(laughs)
Bill 	I'll be in the green room.
Clifford	Alright.
Rizzo 	Yeah. (laughs)
Clifford	Well done, Riz! The network wants Garth Brooks singing all of his hits, and that's exactly what they're gonna get.
Rizzo 	Yep, chief, nothing can go wrong. (laughs)
 	Garth steps out of the elevator, talking to Seymour and Pepe.
Pepe 	Yes, I especially love the song about the low places, okay.
Seymour 	Yeah!
Garth 	Thanks, guys.
Clifford	Hey! Garth Brooks, my main man!
Garth 	(shakes hands) How you doing, buddy?
Clifford	Hey, welcome to the show.
Garth 	Thank you, man, and I brought some good news: I've been thinking.
Rizzo 	Uh-oh …
Garth 	We do Garth Brooks stuff on everybody else's show. But you guys? What do you say let's do something different?
Clifford	Really? Like what?
 	Garth removes his black coat and hat, revealing a Latin dancing outfit.
Garth 	MAMBO!
 	He leads a conga line of Muppets through the hallway. Clifford and Rizzo are speechless.
Rizzo 	Well, that's something different.
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Garth Brooks! Yay!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Opening Number==
 	Zoom out on the house band. Clifford comes out onstage.
A. Ligator 	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford 	Hey! What's up, what's up? Good evening, and welcome to, Muppets Tonight, the show that has folks all around the world saying …
 	A group of Extremes pops up and babbles.
Clifford 	… whatever that means. (chuckles) Tonight, our special guest star is, Mr. Garth Brooks! (applause) Give it up! Give it up! So without further ado …
Rizzo 	Clifford! Psst! Clifford! I think you want more ado!
Clifford 	I do?
Rizzo 	Yeah, like a lot more ado, like maybe a double ado?
Clifford 	Uh, heh … what're you talkin' 'bout, Rizzo?
Rizzo 	Well — Garth is wearing a puffy shirt, tights, and a cute set of bloomers.
Clifford 	Excuse us, folks.
 	They turn their backs on the audience.
Clifford 	Bloomers?!?
Rizzo 	Yeah, I mean, they're very tasteful if you like bloomers on guys … heh heh.
Clifford 	Man, what are we gonna do? We can't let him go out own stage like that.
Rizzo 	Well, you could put on Bill.
 	Clifford turns around and notices Bill standing by the camera, blowing bubbles out of his head.
Bill 	I'm ready.
 	Clifford facepalms.
Rizzo 	Clifford, are you crying?
Clifford 	I'm fine, man, I can handle it. Ahem. Ladies and gentlemen, as you've never seen him before, Mr. Garth Brooks!
 	Applause. Switch to Garth on a balcony set, dressed as Romeo. Miss Piggy plays Juliet.
Garth 	But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
Miss Piggy 	What are you talking about?? We're supposed to be singing "Surrey with the Fringe on Top"! Why don't I ever get rewrite pages??
Garth 	Miss Piggy — Miss Piggy, it's okay. I just changed a few lines, don't worry, it's right there on the cue cards, okay?
 	He points to the cue cards, then resumes his soliloquy.
Garth 	She speaks!
Miss Piggy 	Oh, all right! I'll play along.
 	She puts on glasses and looks down at the cards.
Miss Piggy 	Ah. "Oh, Romero, Romero. Wherefore ark song, Romero?" Well, this doesn't make any sense!
Andy 	Hey, Aunt Piggy!
Randy 	Hi, Mr. Brooks!
Andy & Randy	Look! We are wearing bloomers too! (laugh)
Garth 	Forsooth, whofore art thou?
Andy & Randy	We fore art the Two Gentlemen of Bologna!
Miss Piggy 	More like the Two Meatheads of Bologna!
Andy 	Hey! Have we not feelings? If you prick us, do we not bleed?
Randy 	If you tickle us, do we not laugh?
Andy 	Let's see. Tickle tickle tickle!
Randy 	(laughs)
Garth 	Oh, cut it out. Please.
Andy 	What? Sorry.
Garth 	I believe it's your line, Miss Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	(reading card) "Good night, good night. Parking is such sweet … sparrow"?
 	The stagehand points vigorously to the card.
Miss Piggy 	Uh … "sponging"? "Parking is such sweet sponging." Whoever wrote this should be shot!
 	Andy wiggles one of the beams.
Andy 	Hey, Aunt Piggy, this balcony is not safe.
Randy 	Yeah, if you pull this beam out, the whole thing will fall down.
Andy 	Yeah.
Miss Piggy 	No, no, no, no! Don't touch that!
Garth 	Whoa, wait a minute —
 	Garth tries to push them away, but he accidentally breaks the beam, knocking Piggy down.
Miss Piggy 	You twits!
 	Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	Shakespeare would've hated that!
Waldorf 	You should know! You dated his sister!
 	They chuckle.
Statler 	Boy, was she ugly.
 	They continue watching.
==Tales from the Vet==
 	Open on a lab, with weird creatures squirming in cages.
Announcer 	And now, it's time for another episode of Tales from the Vet.
 	Two doors open, and Dr. Phil pops up.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Hey-hee-hi-ho YOU! Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always! I am Dr. Phil van Neuter, your … (strokes a beaker) … friendly veterinarian. Mm, mm, mm. Come with me now, as I open the secret files to the strangest animal stories ever told.
 	He opens a filing cabinet.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	What?? My secret files that are so secret, they're not even here!! Mulch!
Mulch 	(groans)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Mulch, Mulch! Where's the secret files?
Mulch 	(growls)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Too busy, eh? Hmm, let me see. I, Dr. Phil, write on the show, act on the show, schmooze the network, whereas you, Mulch, look after the secret files! Gee, I wonder who has more to do!
Mulch 	(roars)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Of course you have a lot on your mind. That's because your brain is the size of a walnut. In fact, I had to put another one in your hips just so that you could walk!
Mulch 	(roars)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	(shoves him away) Go get those files! (facepalms, hyperventilates) While we're waiting here for Mulch, let me remind you that Mulchy and I will be appearing locally in Under the Yumyum Tree, a musical romp that the whole family will —
 	Mulch comes back with a folder.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	— Oh! Oh! Oh! The secret files!
Mulch 	(growls)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Finally! (opens the folder) Let's see, let's see. … OH YES YES YES!! Excellent choice! Tonight's episode is the chilling saga of a turkey named Taylor. A turkey who LOVED Thanksgiving!
 	A blob of green slime transitions to a scene of a turkey relaxing in an oven.
Turkey 	Hmmm. This Thanksgiving thing is really great. I don't know why the other guys in the pen bad-mouth it. I mean, they give me a nice shave, and, look at all this food. Yams, pumpkin pie, stuffing, and look — they've given me an aromatherapy bath! Sage, rosemary and oregano — hee hee hee! Mmmm, I smell good enough to eat. Mm-mm-mm!
 	Zoom out on the oven.
Turkey 	Whew. Boy, it's getting kind of hot in here though.
 	A blob of green slime transitions back to the lab.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Poor, slow-witted Taylor. Product of the public school system. HE won't be enjoying any leftovers this year, because he IS the leftovers!! Aah! (tosses the folder) So, until next week, the files are closed! (shuts the cabinet)
Mulch 	(growls)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh, yes, yes, alright, so your brain isn't the size of a walnut. It's more like the size of TWO walnuts! (laughs)
 	Mulch grips him by the ear as the doors close.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Aaah! Ow! No, Mulch, not my sideburns! That's just what the nuns used to do! Ow! Ow! Ow!
==Swift Wits==
 	Open on Snookie making small talk with the contestant, then noticing they're on.
Snookie 	Ho! Hello, and welcome to Swift Wits, the fastest game show on TV! I'm your host, Snookie Blyer, and here's our contestant, Miss Agnes Stonewick. Tell us a little about yourself, dear.
Agnes 	Well, I'm 87 years old, and —
Snookie 	(cuts her off) Oh, that's wonderful, Agnes! Now today you're going to be playing for Buffy, a cute little beagle who was found whimpering in the parking lot of Al's TV City.
 	A window opens to reveal Buffy.
Snookie 	(laughs)
Agnes 	Aww, he's sweet!
Snookie 	And if you answer correctly, Buffy will receive a lifetime supply of Sniggle's Live Dog Treats! Remember, if it wiggles, it's Sniggle's! And I'm sure Buffy is gonna love 'em. Aren't ya, pal? (Buffy barks) By the way, on the off chance you don't get the answer, Buffy will be eaten by Carl the Big Mean Bunny!
 	A window opens to reveal Carl.
Agnes 	What?
Carl 	Hi.
Snookie 	Ho-ho! Okay, Agnes, let's tell our home audience the answer.
A. Ligator	The answer is "rug".
Snookie 	M'okay! Alright, you've got ten seconds. Here come the clues.
Agnes 	Um …
Snookie 	This is a big large thing that sits in your living room and never moves.
Agnes 	My brother Norm.
Snookie 	N' — no no no! You walk all over it.
Agnes 	That's Norm.
Snookie 	No, no, when it gets dirty, you take it out and beat on it!
Agnes 	Definitely Norm.
 	The buzzer sounds and the "frown" face lights up.
Snookie 	D'ohhh! Too bad, Agnes! The answer was "rug", dear, "rug".
Agnes 	You're kidding me!
Snookie 	Okay, Carl, bon appetit! So long, Buffy!
Carl 	Thank you!
 	He devours Buffy. The window shuts.
Snookie 	Ha ha! Goodbye, everybody! Thanks for playing! (fires imaginary gun)
==Backstage / "It's Not Unusual"==
Kermit 	Hey Clifford, Clifford, I've got some great news for you.
Clifford 	What, they finally put the Shaft episodes on laserdisc?
Kermit 	Uh, no, no, I just talked to Garth and he promised to go out there and do a song.
Clifford 	Aw, Kerm, that's great! If you weren't a bug-eyed, spindly-legged froggy, I'd give you a big kiss on your knobby little head.
Kermit 	And if you weren't a purple catfish-faced multicolored mop top, I'd let you.
Rizzo 	Aw! Ain't friendship a beautiful thing? (sobs)
 	They all look up at the monitor and see Garth, dressed as Tom Jones, singing "It's Not Unusual" to an audience of excited Muppets, backed up by a trio of slinkys. Clifford groans and shakes his head. A pair of pants is tossed to him, which he tosses back.
Randy 	He's got my pants!
 	A cow faints. The song continues. A scarf is tossed to Garth.
Randy 	He's got your pants!
 	They cheer. Garth tosses the scarf, and Bobo tosses a hanky. Garth catches a tiny lingerie garment. Clifford watches in the control room and facepalms.
Clifford 	Oh, no.
Rizzo 	Yo, chief! Hey, the head of the network is headed this way, and he ain't happy.
Nigel 	Panic, panic, panic.
Network head	Oh, hey, J.P., hi, how's it doing? Hey, everybody, you're doing a great job, love what you're doing. Oh, hi, Clifford. Listen, I'd like a little word with you here—
Clifford 	Yeah, what's up?
Network head	If you don't get Garth Brooks to sing a country song, I'm gonna yank you off the air and give your time slot to uh … to HIM!
 	He points to Bill, who gives thumbs-up while blowing bubbles out of his head. Back on stage, as the song concludes, all the Muppets have fainted except Bobo. Applause. Garth leaves with a pair of shorts.
Bobo 	Yeah, yeah, yeah, Garth! Yes, huh, Garth, huh? Are you — YEAH! YES! GARTH … hey… hey, wha … where're you going … those are my, uh, shorts there. Last pair.
==The Tubmans of Porksmith==
 	Open on the dining room. Howard sits in a chair. Carter passes by and hands him a drumstick which he starts eating. The doorbell rings.
A. Ligator	And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Howard 	Carter, get the door.
Carter 	I'm getting it, sir. (answers the door) Um — may I help you?
Handyman 	Oh, I sure hope so. I got a call that someone at this address is stuck in a chair, and needs to be pried out.
Carter 	Ah, yes. That would be Mr. Tubman. Uh, walk this way. (hobbles over to Howard)
Handyman 	Alright. (hobbles along)
Howard 	Who is it, Carter?
Carter 	It's the handyman, sir.
Howard 	Oh, terrific. Hello.
Handyman 	Hi! Well, let's see. Take a seat — I mean, uh, keep your seat — I mean, well, just sit down, and we'll take a look here.
Howard 	I am sitting.
Handyman 	Oh, my — Oh! Oh! Oh!
Howard 	Well, what is it? What's the problem?
Handyman 	I'm gonna have to blast!
Howard 	Why, that's outrageous. I could be killed. The house could be damaged. You could burn the pot roast!
Handyman 	Oh? What would you do?
Howard 	I'd blast.
Handyman 	Alrighty then.
 	He hands Howard a detonator and picks up a bundle of TNT sticks.
Handyman 	There. Now, you hold on to this …
Howard 	What are these? Oh, terrific. What is that?
Handyman 	Now, all I have to do is uh, set these charges and press the plunger.
Howard 	What?
Handyman 	Press the plunger.
Howard 	Alrighty.
 	Howard presses the detonator and the handyman explodes.
Carter 	Oh dear, sir. Now what?
Howard 	Well … heat up the Yankee pot roast, Carter. That explosion gave me a powerful appetite.
Carter 	You're incorrigible, sir.
Howard 	Oh, thank you.
Carter 	(picks up another TNT bundle) And to think, all that poor man said was, "press the plunger".
Howard 	What?
Carter 	"Press the plunger".
Howard 	Alrighty.
 	He presses it again — BOOM! Carter explodes.
Howard 	Well, I guess I'll have to get the pot roast myself.
 	He gruntingly gets up and tries to walk while still stuck in the chair.
==Backstage==
 	The cacti and lobsters are getting restless.
Lobster (BL)	That's it! Back to the tank! I mean it!
Rizzo 	Look, everybody just calm down, alright?
Cactus (BB) 	Clifford told us that we'd be performing with Garth Brooks.
Others 	(murmuring in agreement)
Rizzo 	Aw, Clifford told you ugotz. Listen to me, I told the cheeses they might get on just because I have a special relationship with that particular food group!
Others 	(complaining)
Clifford 	Yo, yo, yo, Rizzo, Rizzo, Rizzo! What's going on here?
Rizzo 	Clifford, this is not good. These guys are gonna tear the place up if we don't get 'em on camera.
Clifford 	Stall 'em, man! I think I'm finally getting through to Garth.
Rizzo 	Alright.
 	Garth appears behind them, dressed as a Japanese kabuki theater figure.
Garth 	Hey, Clifford, how you doin' ?
Clifford 	Hey, Garth.
 	Garth walks away. Clifford stiffens up.
Rizzo 	Oh yeah. You're getting through to him. Real good. (scoffs)
Clifford 	Don't go there, man. Just find something for these guys to do, okay? (leaves)
Rizzo 	Yeah, yeah, yeah …
Others 	(clamoring)
Rizzo 	Oh, if I wasn't a churchgoing rat … ! (poke) OW!
==Pigs in Space: Deep Dish Nine==
 	The opening sequence plays.
A. Ligator 	Once again, it's time for Pigs in Space: Deep Dish Nine, the next generation of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
Captain Pighead	Captain's log: Tuesday, noonish, we continue our scale of ze meta quadrant of ze galaxy. Uh, did you get zat, captain's log?
Log 	Aye aye, Captain.
Captain Pighead	Oui.
Craniac 	Captain, we have just scanned quadrant meta 4.8.
Miss Piggy 	No, Captain, we have just scanned meta 4.9!
Captain Pighead	I have told you two a thousand times, do not mix your meta 4's!
 	An alarm sounds.
Craniac 	Captain, we are being pursued by a hostile enemy vessel!
Captain Pighead	Uh — man your battle stations! Quickly!
 	They scurry around.
Captain Pighead	Get out of my way, you fool!
 	They sit back down in their seats.
Captain Pighead	Well, that was an astounding waste of time.
Craniac 	Captain, the aliens are coming aboard!
Miss Piggy 	Remember, these creatures are from another planet. Their appearance may shock you, and terrify you.
Craniac 	(aside to Captain) I doubt it. We've seen her without her makeup. (the two laugh)
Miss Piggy 	Very funny, face-for-brains.
 	The doors open, and the lobsters, cheeses and cacti wander in. Bill joins them.
Bill 	Ooh. Lovely colors.
Miss Piggy 	And who are you?
Bill 	Oh, I'm Bill. Bubbles come out of my head.
Miss Piggy 	So, you are the leader of the evil Pords!
Bill 	Oh, no, no, the rat back there just told us to come in here. (blows bubbles from his head)
Miss Piggy 	No — you are the leader of the evil Pords!
Bill 	Just a one-ie. Ah, well, whatever you say, lady, just don't hurt me, alright?
Craniac 	Captain? The bridge is filling with bubbles.
Captain Pighead	Yes - uh, everyone to your anti-bubble stations!
 	They all slip and fall.
Craniac 	The soap has left a slick film on the floor!
Captain Pighead	Magnifique! I love to watch slick films.
 	A fanfare of horns sounds.
Craniac 	Hmm. Anyone have any popcorn?
Miss Piggy 	We can't be going out on that cheap joke.
 	Switch to the closing title.
A. Ligator 	Join us again next week …
Miss Piggy 	I guess we are.
A. Ligator 	… for another ill-conceived episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
==Backstage==
 	The cast of the previous sketch passes by Clifford.
Clifford 	Rizzo, what were you thinking?
Rizzo 	Hey, you told me to put 'em in something.
Clifford 	You can't have a dumb ol' bubble head waltzing through the Milky Way. It'll look bad, real bad. (notices Bill) Oh — hey, Bill, my main man! Hey, those bubbles looked good on camera, real good.
Bill 	Thank you. (walks away)
Clifford 	I'll get you for this, Rizzo. I'm gonna try talking to Garth again.
Miss Piggy 	That's it! I've had it! An outer space adventure with bubbles?! They never would have done anything that unrealistic on Star Trek!
Leonard Nimoy	Uh, excuse me, Miss Piggy, but that's where you're wrong. I believe it was episode 12, when the Enterprise was invaded by an evil race of super intelligent … bubbles.
Miss Piggy 	No wonder you were canceled. Humph! (walks away)
=="If I Were a Rich Man"==
 	Chickens flock around Garth, who wears a bathrobe.
Garth 	Okay, okay, hold on — wait a minute. So it wasn't the egg that came first?
 	The chickens say no.
Garth 	Oh, well, how about that?
Clifford 	Yo, yo, yo, Garth.
Garth 	Hey, Clifford.
Clifford 	Can I talk to you for a second?
Garth 	Sure, man. Ain't nobody here but us chickens!
 	The chickens laugh.
Garth 	They love that.
Clifford 	Cute. Uh, listen, uh — can I ask you something kinda personal?
Garth 	Oh, sure, man, you know you can.
Clifford 	Well, are you experiencing — are you having problems in your life? An emotional upheaval?
Rizzo 	Garth, Clifford would like to know if you have gone nuts.
Garth 	(laughs) — Oh, okay, I get it. Okay, listen, guys, how's this sound, alright — next number we do, just me, a fiddle, out in the country …
Rizzo 	Ooh.
Garth 	… with the chickens!
Rizzo 	Yes! Yes!
Clifford 	Alright! Alright! So that's it, man! That's what the people want.
Garth 	I'm gonna go get ready, alright?
Clifford 	That sounds good to me! Come on, Riz.
Rizzo 	Alright. Thank you. Yes, sir.
 	They all disperse. Transition to Floyd, a fiddler on a roof at dawn. Garth plays Tevye singing "If I Were a Rich Man". Clifford and the network head watch it in the control room.
Network head	What the …? (points to Clifford) I thought … you said … he was going to do a country song!
Rizzo 	Yeah, but he didn't say what country.
Network head	D'awww… (facepalms)
 	Garth continues the song with the chickens backing him up. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	What would you do if you were a rich man?
Waldorf 	I'd buy the network and cancel this show!
 	They chuckle. Meanwhile, as the song continues, the network head talks to Bill.
Network head	I think you're gonna like this time slot a lot, Bill.
Bill 	Uh huh.
Network head	We're gonna call your new show — oh, I dunno, maybe uh … oh, Dr. Bill, Medicine Bubble. We'll figure that out later.
Bill 	Oh man, what a day. You know, it didn't start out so good, but now everything is going gangbusters.
Nigel 	(mumbling)
Clifford 	Okay, that does it! I've had enough of this. I'm gonna give Garth Brooks a good old fashioned talking to!
Rizzo 	(giggles) Oh, I love it when he talks tough.
==Backstage==
 	Clifford and Rizzo stand at the dressing room door.
Clifford	When Garth Brooks opens that door, I'm gonna tell him, "There are people all over this country, tuning in to see you do one of your hit songs, and I'm not gonna let you let them down." How's that sound?
Rizzo 	Yeah, sounds good.
Clifford	Good, good, good.
Rizzo 	Sounds good, go for it.
 	Clifford knocks on the door. Garth answers.
Garth 	Yeah, man?
Clifford	Yo, Garth, listen, I got —
Garth 	Hey! Clifford, buddy, I'm glad you're here. Look, man, I've been thinking, there's people all over this country, that's tuning in to see Garth Brooks sing one of his songs, and … I'm just not gonna let me let 'em down.
Rizzo 	Wha — wait a minute, is he putting us on?
Garth 	(laughs) Sure, man, I heard you through the door. But listen, seriously, what you said made a lot of sense to me, and I think you're right. It's time Garth Brooks marches out there, and does a Garth Brooks song.
Rizzo 	Wait, wait, no bloomers, no tight pants, no kimonos, no peyos?
Clifford	Huh?
Rizzo 	In your own voice? In your own clothes? You?
Garth 	Yeah, yeah, come on, guys, this is Garth Brooks. If Garth Brooks says he's gonna do something, you consider it done.
Rizzo 	Wow!
Clifford	Well alright! That's great! I'll go and introduce you.
Rizzo 	Yeah, right this way, Garth. (laughs)
Gonzo 	Garth Brooks! (whoosh!) Whoa! You're just the man I'm looking for! How would you like to participate in a once in a lifetime experience? The first ever inverted, sub-orbital rocket-powered anti-gravity bungee jump!
Garth 	Wow! You betcha!
Rizzo 	Oh, brother — wait!
 	Garth shoves his hat on Rizzo and leaves with Gonzo.
Garth 	Hold this, Rizzo — let's go!
Rizzo 	Garth! Garth! Garth, where are you — Garth! Don't do it! Don't do —
==Gonzo and Garth's stunt==
 	Clifford takes the stage. Applause.
Clifford 	Ha ha ha. What's up, what's up? Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big Muppets Tonight welcome to, Mr. Garth Brooks!
 	Garth and Gonzo emerge wearing rocket packs.
Gonzo 	Hey! Thank you!
Clifford 	And Gonzo …
Gonzo 	Okay, Clifford, that's enough, thank you! (shoves him) Go along. Thank you. Good evening! Tonight, I, the Great Gonzo …
Garth 	And I, the Great Garth-zo …
Gonzo 	… will attempt a death-defying act!
Garth 	Yeah, we're gonna be rocketed skyward at mach-5, with just this thin, little bitty bungee cord to keep us from flying off into the stratosphere.
Gonzo 	Yeah, and at the A-pex of our ascent, we will be snapped back to Earth.
Garth 	Where our fall will be stopped by … wait a minute, tell me what our fall will be stopped by.
Gonzo 	Well, the floor. What else?
Garth 	We could be killed!
Gonzo 	Duh! That's why they call it death-defying!
Garth 	Yeah, I think I've got one of my own songs to sing. Hat, please!
 	He takes off the rocket pack. Rizzo gives him the hat.
Rizzo 	Yeah, right, right, yes.
Gonzo 	Well, suit yourself. Me, I got a date with destiny. One two three!
 	He blasts off through the ceiling. The techies witness it from the control room.
Nigel 	(panics) Somebody get maintenance to repair that hole in the roof, and get ready to cue Garth Brooks.
Network head	This is great! (slaps Bill on the back) Garth Brooks is gonna sing one of his own songs! Hey, sorry this didn't work out, Bill.
Bill 	Oh, that's alright. Here, let me see if I can blow you a deuce. (blows bubbles) Well, it was a five.
Nigel 	Cue Garth.
=="We Shall Be Free"==
 	Rowlf plays the piano as Garth sings "We Shall Be Free".
Rowlf 	Oh yeah …
Garth 	Hit it, girls.
 	He is joined by a chorus of birds, and eventually by the other Muppets.
Clifford	Let's give it up for Garth Brooks!
 	Applause.
Kermit 	Yaaaay!
Garth 	Thank you very very much! Thank you, Clifford! I had a great time.
Clifford	Any regrets?
Garth 	No, man, I got no regrets whatsoever.
 	Gonzo crashes through the ceiling.
Garth 	Look out! — Oooh. Well, Gonzo might have some regrets though.
 	Gonzo gets up, flat as a pancake.
Gonzo 	Well, nope — no regrets!
 	They all laugh and continue singing.
==TGIF bumper (US only)==
 	Main stage.
Rizzo 	You know, Garth Brooks really is better than fried cheese.
Clifford 	I told you so!
 	Rizzo laughs, then exits.
Gonzo 	Hey, Clifford, I know what TGIF stands for –
 	A Gonzo clone emerges.
Gonzos 	"Two Gonzos Is Fantasmagorical!"
Clifford 	Yeah, that's fantasma ...
Gonzo 	Gorical.
Clifford 	Yeah, whatever. Just wait till you see the premiere of Aliens in the Family. You see, half of this family is from another planet.
Gonzo 	What's so strange about that?
Gonzo clone	Sounds perfectly normal to me.
 	The Gonzos and Clifford laugh.
Clifford 	Let's watch, shall we?
Gonzo 	Let's do.
==Epilogue==
 	After the show, Garth and Gonzo hang out. Garth puts the rocket pack back on as George sweeps.
Gonzo	(laughing)
Garth	Whoa. Gonzo, dude — this is an awesome piece of machinery.
Gonzo	Yeah, it's just too bad you never got a chance to try it. It was fun.
Garth	Well, you know, I guess I missed my chance, huh?
Gonzo	Hey, it's never too late!
 	Gonzo turns on the rocket pack, sending Garth flying through the ceiling.
Gonzo	Oh dear — he forgot his bungee cord. (looks up)
 	The credits roll.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts