The Tsunami (a censored episode of LP!R I tried to post on FSB)

"The Tsunami" is a fanmade episode for SpongeBob! It is suitable for all audiences and I werked rllly rllly hard on it so I hope u enjoy!1!!
==Transcript==
(The episode starts with a ringing alarm noise as Squidward wakes up, with massive purple bags under his eyes)
Squidward: Time for work again, Squiddy. Make this your special day. Nyah-nyah-nyah!
(After laughing obnoxiously, Squidward steps out of bed - hesitantly - in his pajamas and starts to make himself some coffee, but can hear noise from outside)
Squidward: That better not be those knuckleheads SpongeBob and Patrick wanting to play on the weekends. Those men pay mortgages and still go jellyfishing. Nyah! What’s next? Blowing bubbles whilst doing taxes?
(SpongeBob bursts through Squidward’s window, holding bubbles and $200 in cash)
SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, want to pay my taxes while me and Patrick blow bubbles?
Squidward: Now why would I want to pay your taxes?
SpongeBob: Well I know you don’t like the more active stuff, Squidwardiard, so I figured you may want to play some more calming casual games. Like my gas bill!
Squidward: Why do you only pay $200 total in tax?
SpongeBob: The government loves me!
(Cut to SpongeBob in an Oval Office type building holding a gun to the head of President Snoop Dogg)
Snoop Dogg: This shizzle is too realizzle. I’ll do whatever you want, SpongeBizzle.
(Cut back to SpongeBob in Squidward’s house)
Squidward: How about I do something else, SpongeBob? Like have my peace and quiet not interrupted by you two Jeffies!
SpongeBob: Geez, Squidward, I didn’t know you were ableist. Maybe you should draw something to really express your feelings onto paper!
(He hands Squidward a piece of scrap paper and a pencil)
Squidward: Well, what a wonderful idea. Say…
(A thought bubble appears, and something happens in it but it is all obscured by pixellation and censor bars)
Squidward: Delightfully devilish, Squidward. Say, SpongeBob, bring Patrick in and we can get you to do some poses for me so I can draw you all how you really come off in person.
SpongeBob: What an excellent idea, Squidward! I’ll bring him in now!
(Squidward rubs his hands menacingly before it cuts to Plankton and Karen in the Chum Bucket, crossing their arms and not facing each other)
Karen: If you weren’t such a puny parasite, maybe we wouldn’t have fights this often!
Plankton: Well at least I can understand real EMOTION, Karen!
Karen: Sheldon, you programmed me!
Plankton: (tears up) AND SOMETIMES I THINK I DAMN WELL SHOULDN’T HAVE!
(Plankton runs out of the Chum Bucket, sobbing, before Mr. Krabs enters after him)
Mr. Krabs: What’s the matter with the walkin’ talkin’ virus?
Karen: He’s just overreacting. He thinks that because I spend so much time with Ms. Puff that we could be lovers.
(Krabs’ eyes start to pulsate out of his antennae and his heart visibly starts pumping. Krabs starts barking, and Karen picks up a phone)
Karen: God, all men are so self-entitled. (she dials a number) Hi, Puffy… do you wanna go to the Shrimp tonight? …Hell yeah, I’ve got some more Silly Sheldon Stories for you today. Krabs too.
(Cut back to Squidward in his house, now fully-clothed, as he has set out a tripod in front of a white backdrop in his living room, on which SpongeBob and Patrick are sitting on)
Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob. I’m going to need you to take off that tie.
SpongeBob: Sure thing, Squiddy! I didn’t even go to work today! BAHAHAHA
Squidward: While you’re at it, you might as well take your pants off too. This isn’t professional.
SpongeBob: (taking the tie off) Hey, Squidward, I don’t particularly think I need to take off all my clothes.
Squidward: Think about it, SpongeBob: I’m going to make my artist’s depiction of the natural sponge: What Bob really looks like outside of the casual, happy demeanor. You often say, “I’m ready!”, but what does SpongeBob really think? Is he REALLY ready? The only way to find out is for you to strip, so we can see the real vulnerabilities, and so we can see some of those absorbent pores.
Patrick: He’s got a point.
SpongeBob: Well, if you say so, Squidward…
Patrick: Hey, can I get naked too?!
Squidward: ABSOLUTELY! Why didn’t I think of that? Nyah-nyah-nyah!
(He starts taking pictures as SpongeBob struggles to take his pants off, so a naked Patrick helps him get out of his underwear. Suddenly, the amount of photos Squidward is taking increases greatly)
Squidward: Oh yes… that’s the good stuff, baby!
(Cut to Ms. Puff and Karen at the Shrimp, being served by Pearl)
Pearl: What do you gals want? We got all kindsa shrimp!
Karen: Oh, we’re not ordering anything. I’m a robot…
Ms. Puff: And I’m on a diet.
Pearl: We have fat-free shrimp if you want!
Karen: We’re not here to eat. We’re just here to talk.
Pearl: Well, you can talk anywhere! We’ve got a business to run.
(Zoom out to show an empty restaurant)
Ms. Puff: Sure you have, honey. Now run along!
(Pearl sulks and runs back to the kitchen)
(Cut back to a visibly tired SpongeBob and Patrick with Squidward next to a pile of artwork. Squidward is painting like a madman)
SpongeBob: (yawning) Squidward, how much longer do you need us to do this? I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open.
Squidward: Shut the AUGH up and keep still! I am on fire!
SpongeBob: I think Patrick's asleep.
Squidward: Well that's too bad for him, isn't it? Now how about you… hmmm… put your left leg over Patrick's forehead suggestively.
SpongeBob: But I already did that!
Squidward: No, that was your RIGHT leg. Just do it.
(SpongeBob sighs angrily as he hesitantly does what Squidward asked)
Squidward: (Frantically painting, before stopping) There! It’s a masterpiece! Now… How about you…
(Squidward realizes SpongeBob is sleeping too)
Squidward: Everyone’s a Nostalgia critic! (Squidward takes his painting and places it in a pile labeled “BEHIND CLOSED DOORS” which lays right next to a much, much smaller pile reading “KELPY G”)
(Cut to Mr. Krabs, naked, going on the Internet on his very old computer)
Krabs: Ah… I love Sensual Tuesday. Now, where else can my augh-crazed addiction be satisifed? There’s often some good stuff on DeviantArt… (Clicks) Dead people? Nah. Been there, done that.(looks towards the audience with dismay, then clicks again) Huh? Oh, wow, Squidward uploaded some art! I knew he’d give up on his dream of being a painter and start uploading onto cartoon sites. I wonder what he’s uploaded– (clicks) Oh my…
(Cut to the Krusty Krab from the outside, slowly filling up with water)
Krabs: (offscreen) …FLOOD!
(The Krusty Krab completely blows up, and white glue-like liquid spills out; Cut to Plankton exiting the Chum Bucket)
Plankton: Yessir, this feels like the day… the day I STEAL THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA FOR GOOD! (Laughs, before he sees the Krusty Krab exploding) What??????
(The white liquid forms a huge wave going right to his location; Plankton screams as he tries running away, but the wave catches up with him and Plankton falls victim, drowning in the wave)
(Cut to Ms. Puff and Karen still at the Shrimp)
Karen: Oh my God, girl, Sheldon is such a brat. I figured I would never have children with him, but I didn’t expect him to become one!
Ms. Puff: (Laughs obnoxiously) So what’s this about Eugene?
Karen: Oh, he just has an… unhealthy obsession with stealing Eugene’s formula. Sometimes I just want him to drown in a huge tsunami of white liquid.
(Cut to Plankton, exhausted, garbling and barely conscious in a sea of white glue-like liquid, then cut to Squidward in his house counting up stacks of cash)
Squidward: $100,000, $200,000, $300,000! Wow, who’da thought SpongeBob’s absorbent pores would get me so much dough?
(Squidward points a weed towards a woman in a bikini)
Squidward: Light this for me.
(The woman digs in her pants for a lighter and lights Squidward’s weed)
Squidward: Now get in the kitchen. I need my dinner.
(The woman leaves for the kitchen but before Squidward can start smoking, there’s a knock on the door)
Squidward: Who is it?
SpongeBob: (offscreen) It’s me, SpongeBob!
Gary: (offscreen) Meow.
SpongeBob: (Offscreen) Gary, that’s offensive.
Squidward: Come in!
(SpongeBob opens the door and looks in surprise at all of the luxury items that Squidward has bought, like his 24 carat wide screen TV, a sofa made out of pure diamond, and most importantly, the scantily-clad women he bought)
SpongeBob: Gee, Squidwardiard, I didn’t think you’d be able to afford any of this working at the Krusty Krab.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Gary! I’m telling you, you’re gonna get canceled.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Yes, Gary, I AM aware of crime statistics among squids.
Squidward: Oh, you silly sponge, I’m not working at the Krusty Krab anymore. I’m hoarding all this dough from my… artistic endeavors.
SpongeBob: W-what kinda art?
Squidward: (realises that SpongeBob doesn’t know that he’s been in sensual art) Uh… well, that’s for another time, SpongeBob. A magician never reveals his tricks… (nervously laughs)
Gary: (Sighs) Meow meow meow.
SpongeBob: HE MADE ART OF WHAT??????? How do you know that???
(Cut to Gary late at night on the computer, with substances next to him as he browses the internet)
Gary: Meow meow meow… (Hits the bottle with his left eyeball as it spills on his face)
(Cut back to SpongeBob having terse words with Squidward in his home)
SpongeBob: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU, SQUIDWARD! I trusted you with the delicate beauties of my body and you sold it as art?!
Squidward: …Yes.
SpongeBob: You need Jesus, Squidward.
(An angelic voice comes down from the heavens)
Angelic Voice: Seems like I’m just in time.
SpongeBob: Obama???
Angelic Voice: …Sure, I’m Obama. Now, Squidward…
Squidward: Yes, Mr. President?
Angelic Voice: You know that it was wrong to draw aughfellow art of your friend.
Squidward: How was it “Wrong???”
Angelic Voice: You didn’t have his consent.
Squidward: He literally stripped for me.
SpongeBob: Yeah, Obama, to be fair to Squidward, I did do it on purpose.
Gary: Meow, meow?
Angelic Voice: What is it, Gary?
SpongeBob: Hey, Obama, I think you’re getting kinda distracted.
Angelic Voice: Hey, I don’t come down to Earth and criticize YOU for how YOU act.
Squidward: That’s what you’re doing right now.
Angelic Voice: AUGH you guys! If you don’t need my help, and you want to live in a society where you can draw porn of each other like AUGH-crazed AUGHfellows AUGHing everything in sight, so be it.
SpongeBob: Sounds good to me.
(The Flying Dutchman enters Squidward’s house)
The Flying Dutchman: Where da girls???? I need to AUGH me AUGHy AUGH AUGH to some AUGH AUGH AUGH with the AUGhest AUGHes imaginable. I want to DROWN in the AUGH AUGH, foo!
(Cut to a wide shot of Bikini Bottom covered in a dry, crusty substance not too dissimilar to vanilla ice cream. Hundreds of Bikini Bottomites are working on clearing the city, with President Snoop Dogg - in antique German military uniform - leading the mission. Larry The Lobster is wiping away the mystery substance when he discovers something)
Larry: Hey, I found something! (Digs his hand deeper in the substance and pulls out a small green pill-shaped object) What the Heck is this?
Snoop Dogg: Why aren’t you working?
Larry: President Dogg, what do you think this is?
Snoop Dogg: Looks like a pizzle to mizzle, my lizzle, let’s get bizzle.
Larry: A what?
Snoop Dogg: A pizzle!
Larryr: What the fizzle is a pizzle?
Snoop Dogg: (Angry sigh) A PILL! A PILL, AUGH DAMNIT!
Karen: Can I take the pill?
Snoop Dogg: Ms. Plankton, you’re a compizzle, where do I even put this pizzle?
Karen: In the USB drive. on my backside.
Snoop Dogg: Uh… Wouldn’t that make this pill a suppository?
Karen: No comment.
Snoop Dogg: Well, if my guy Plankton is okay with it… Speaking of, where is the homie Sheldon?
Karen: I think he’s in the hospital recovering from the tsunami.
(Cut to an empty hospital bed, and then back to Bikini Bottom, where Snoop Dogg is opening a plate in Karen’s backside with a screwdriver and inserting the pill)
Snoop Dogg: Should be all done, Ms. Plankton.
(A scream is heard inside Karen)
Snoop Dogg: What the hizzle is thizzle?
(The entire town watches in fear as a soaked Plankton crawls his way through Karen’s USB drive and falls on the floor)
Squidward: Bruh.
Mr. Krabs: What the hell is going on here?!
(Krabs picks up the soaked Plankton in his claws, pinching him)
Plankton: You should know. (coughs) It’s YOUR liquuid that got me into this mess!
Mr. Krabs: And how would you know? It’s not like anyone here knows me search history! Agagagaga–
Snoop Dogg: (pulls out a document from his pockets) It says here you searched for “Hot SpongeBob and Patrick Smelly Sweaty Balls Scooby Dooby Doo RUH ROH by Squidward Tentacles”... twice in one night.
Squidward: In his defense, he just looked at the art! I was the one who made it!
Snoop Dogg: Bro…
(Cut to Squidward being locked in jail and the cell doors slam on his aching tentacles)
Squidward: That’s one lesson for today. Never stick up for your boss. Well, now that I am here, I guess I could draw more. Hmmmm… I am thinking of Krabs’ daughter…
(Cuts back)
Mr. Krabs: I have made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment, and I ask sincerely for the forgiveness of the people of Bikini Bottom.
Harold: MY SON DROWNED IN YOUR LIQUID, YOU RED-SHELLED CRUSTACEAN!
Mr. Krabs: (trying to stifle his laughter) Well.. I…
Mr. Krabs’ Lawyers: Eugene, I advise you to apologise to this young man.
Mr. Krabs: But–but– (he cracks up with laughter) AGAGAGAGAG! HE DROWNED IN AUGHFELLOW LIQUID! How humiliating! Gosh, I didn’t know me swimmers were that powerful! Imagine all the people I got pregnant!
(Cuts to a row of 5 female fish in their third trimesters)
Female Fish #1: I think he’s kicking!
Female Fish #2: My water just broke.
Female Fish #3: I hope the sticky icky ickys didn’t affect my baby’s growth too much.
Female Fish #4: If only baby killing was legal.
Female Fish #5: I hate women.
Snoop Dogg: Listen, listen, let’s all calm down. First of all, ladies, I know you don’t want to have y’all’s babies right now, especially given they’ll grow up to have big meaty inbred claws, but it ain’t gonna happen since Jesus himself struck the clinic down.
(The female fish groan sadly, except one who is literally fucking giving birth and being completely ignored)
Snoop Dogg: Now, Krabs, Plankton; I’m sure that both of you can give back to the community and earn the trust of Bikini Bottom again.
Plankton: WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO EARN IT?! I ALMOST DROWNED IN THIS CRUSTACEANAUGHFEST!
(Laugh track plays)
Krabs: And why should I have to earn it, huh?! I thought you Nazi hippies were all about positivity! Don’t we have any peace and privacy in this town?
Patrick: Oh yeah Mr Krabs! (Patrick trips and falls to his death)
SpongeBob: Oh my Gosh, Patrick, are you okay?
Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, I’m not a gay! I have a girlfriend. (Gasps as she realizes what she just said) I meant a girl, space, friend!
SpongeBob: I-I wasn’t talking to you, Mrs. Puff.
Mr. Krabs: AGAGAGAG! I knew you’d come clean sometime, Puffers!
Karen: (clearly agitated and traumatized, through gritted teeth) Don’t… tell… them… Puffy.
Ms. Puff: (breaks down in tears) I’m sorry, Karen, but I have to… Plankton, I want you to hear this first.
Plankton: Bruh, I’m soaked in the liquid of my worst enemy, I’ve been in hospital for as long as these ten women have had their children…
(A doctor saying “PUSH! PUSH!” is heard faintly in the background, following a baby’s crying)
Plankton: …and now my wife is having an affair with a pufferfish. How could my life get any worse?
Mr. Krabs: SHE'S WHAT?! I’m ‘bout to–
Plankton: NO! NO, KRABS, PLEASE HAVE MERCY!
Mr. Krabs: AUGH! (starks barking as his pants begin vibrating)
Snoop Dogg: Reporting all units… come to the city centre immediately with the most unattractive images possible… and AK-47s.
(Army vehicles, including camo tanks, swerving planes and Bubble Buddy for some reason, all arrive swiftly, armed with machine guns and mobile phones with images of boring white dudes in business suits shaking hands)
Gary: (seductively) Meow…
SpongeBob: Gary! (picks him up) I know you love a man in uniform, but this is neither the time nor place! (they run away)
(The military surround Mr. Krabs, some pointing their guns at him as the music intensifies whilst some are showing him pictures of Kelpy G)
Mr. Krabs: HEY, NO FAIR! I AM GOING TOTALLY FLACCID LOOKING AT THAT!
(A slide whistle descending is heard in Krabs’ pants)
Snoop Dogg: Okay boys, now shoot!
(Three soldiers gather together and aim fire but before any bullets are shot, an angelic, holy voice is heard)
Mr. Krabs: Hooray! Mr. Obama is here to save the day once again! (Gets shocked with lightning)
Angelic Voice: Krabs, you are a degenerate who put his friends in danger for the sake of pleasure. For once in this series, I have no sympathy.
Mr. Krabs: Aw.
Angelic Voice: Now, Plankton, I understand that it might be a shock to your system that your wife is a girl lover, but think about this: when you took that vow, on your wedding day, you pledged to make sure that the woman you cared about the most was always at her happiest, with or without you, in life or death.
Plankton: What, you thought I was talking about Karen? (Slaps knee and laughs hard before realizing no one else is laughing, so he awkwardly stops laughing and clears his throat)
Angelic Voice: Listen, Sheldon: if you love her like you said on that beautiful day, you’d want her to be at her best no matter what. And if that’s with her lover, that’s for you to respect and nourish, as someone has finally been able to make her happy.
Plankton: BUT WE’RE MARRIED AND SHE’S CHEATING ON ME FOR SOME OTHER WOMAN! AND YOU EXPECT ME TO ACCEPT THAT?!
Angelic Voice: Nah, I’m just joshin’ you. They are going to Hell for their sins.
(The entire town lets out a collective “WOAH!”)
Angelic Voice: You know who isn’t going to Hell? That gorgeous baby boy who was born just now.
(He shines his light on one of the female fish who is holding her newborn child, who has Krabs’ antennae)
Angelic Voice: Tell me, woman: what is his name?
Female Fish #2: Jeff.
Angelic Voice: isn’t the miracle of childbirth just wonderful? This woman just birthed an entire human just now… with all of the chaos in the world, and the uncertainty that we face in this landscape, another life has been created and will flourish in the world that his parents have shaped for him! He is the future of our planet… and why would we want to take the euphoric feeling of putting that life out into the world away from our wonderful ladies? Abortion is a sin.
Plankton: Hey, now that you put it that way… maybe women should be able to kill their babies. Sure, childbirth is miraculous, but we can choose to have miracles! And after all, it’s the woman going through the tough act of giving birth so she should be able to make the decision. I used to be pro-life, but thanks to your lecture, Obama, I think that it should be legal everywhere as long as the baby is not capable of feeling pain.
Angelic Voice: Bro… are you serious?
Flying Dutchman: The talking augh sock has a point, Obama!
Plankton: Aren’t you dead?
Flying Dutchman: AUGH you, greenie!
Plankton: You are literally also green.
Flying Dutchman: Yeah, but you’re dark green! I hate dark green people.
SpongeBob: Hey, aren’t all of us really green - on the inside?
Military Soldier: Sir Dogg, do I have permission to kill this centrist?
Snoop Dogg: (smoking a blunt) What’s a centrist?
(Everyone has a hearty laugh as the camera zooms out to show the outskirts of Bikini Bottom as the episode fades to black; fade to the woman 10 years later, on a rocking chair reading a book, when Jeff walks up to her)
Jeff: Mommy, I have a question.
Mom: What is it, dear?
Jeff: Who’s my daddy?
(The mother’s eyes grow wide as the episode cuts to black, with Krabs’ laughter heard in the background)
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Category:Episodes written by AllisonLoaded
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