Episode 207: Edgar Bergen/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 207: Edgar Bergen.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter peers in.
Scooter 	Edgar Bergen! Twenty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Bergen.
Edgar 	Oh, thank you. Did you hear that, Charlie?
Charlie McCarthy	I... I... I just can't believe my eyes. Did he go yet?
Edgar 	Yes, he just stuck his head in the door and left.
Charlie McCarthy	I don— I don't mean him. I mean him.
Edgar 	Oh.
 	
Blue Frackle 	(shivering) I just can't believe my eyes. A stick of wood that talks.
 	Edgar and Charlie chuckle.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Edgar Bergen!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Waldorf	Maybe this week they'll be funny.
Statler	Wanna bet?
 	
 	Gonzo's horn fires a shot as he falls backward.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Hello there and welcome again to The Muppet Show. We have two very special guests tonight, Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy. Uh, we're also going to try to coax Mortimer Snerd into making an appearance. You see, Mortimer's a shy country boy. Hey Mortimer, this opening number should make you feel right at home. Uh, ready, girls?
 	
 	T.R. the Rooster conducts a chicken choir, who cluck out "Baby Face."
Waldorf	Now, why would they have a bunch of chickens sing Baby Face?
Statler	Because the alligators were sick.
Waldorf	That makes sense.
==Backstage==
 	
Kermit 	Yeah, okay, okay, yeah, well, I see what you mean about the dressing room. I'll see what I can do about having a coop built for you out back, okay? Okay, okay, sure, right.
 	The chickens agree to this and disperse.
Kermit 	You have to treat the chickens pretty well, 'cause they've got a very tough union. — Good grief! It's Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy!
 	Applause.
Charlie McCarthy	Bergen, call the janitor. There's a toad loose in the theater.
Edgar 	Charlie! Kermit is supposed to be here.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah?
Edgar 	Yes, and besides, don't you know the difference between a frog and a toad?
Charlie McCarthy	I guess not, no.
Kermit 	Well, you see, frogs are handsome, debonair and charming, while toads are ugly and give you warts.
Charlie McCarthy	I see, yes. I guess that means the toad is supposed to be here.
Edgar 	(chuckles) Kermit, do forgive Charlie. I know that he can be difficult and trying.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah — I can be difficult without trying.
Edgar 	Yeah, I know you can.
Kermit 	Uh, I don't mind, Edgar, 'cause I always expect wisecracks from Charlie. It's very good to have you here.
Charlie McCarthy	Well, see, yeah, you know, I'm sorry, I don't usually talk to frogs, you know.
Edgar 	Now, Charlie, please.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah, all right. Sometimes I have dinner with frogs though.
Kermit 	Oh, well, that's nice.
Charlie McCarthy	Yes, they're delicious.
Kermit 	Now that's not nice.
Charlie McCarthy	Well, make up your mind.
Edgar 	(chuckles)
Charlie McCarthy	In fact, I once tried to race some frogs, see.
Kermit 	I'm not sure I want to hear this.
Charlie McCarthy	Well, you'll get it anyway. I was going to teach them to jump forwards and backwards. And that way they'd have hind legs on both ends, see. And I'd... I'd have the jump on everybody.
Edgar 	(chuckles) You don't know what you're saying.
Charlie McCarthy	Yes I do, Bergen. I can read your lips.
Edgar 	Oh.
Charlie McCarthy	(to Kermit) That burns him up. (laughs)
Kermit 	Hey, listen, Charlie, it's really great to have you here. Just uh, try to relax and act natural.
Charlie McCarthy	Well, I am acting natural.
Kermit 	Really? You look a little wooden to me. (chuckles)
Charlie McCarthy	If you're gonna do jokes like that, Bergen and I will feel right at home.
Edgar 	Yes, we will.
Kermit 	That's what we want.
Charlie McCarthy	Relaxed guests?
Kermit 	No, song cues.
Charlie McCarthy	Oh.
 	Cue the music.
Kermit 	Consider yourself at home.
Uncle Deadly 	Consider yourself one of the family.
Charlie McCarthy	No, thank you.
 	They are joined by Gonzo, Scooter, Janice and Fozzie.
 	
Muppets 	
We've taken to you so strong.
It's clear we're going to get along.
Consider yourself well in.
Kermit 	Consider yourself part of the furniture.
Charlie McCarthy	Not me.
Muppets 	There isn't a lot to spare.
Charlie McCarthy	So what? Who cares?
Muppets 	What ever we have we'll share!
Fozzie 	
If it should chance to be we should see some harder days,
Empty larder days …
Scooter 	Why grouse?
Muppets 	
Always a chance we'll meet somebody to foot the bill,
Then the drinks are on the house!
Charlie McCarthy	Not me. I'm driving.
Muppets 	Consider yourself our mate.
Charlie McCarthy	Check.
Muppets 	We don't want to have no fuss.
Charlie McCarthy	Right.
Muppets 	
For after some consideration, we can state,
Consider yourself one of us!
 	The chickens enter the area.
Charlie McCarthy	Remember girls, an egg a day keeps the hatchet away.
 	The chickens laugh and exit. Enter the pigs, oinking.
Charlie McCarthy	Here's the bacon to go with the eggs.
 	The pigs laugh and exit. Enter some Muppet monsters.
Charlie McCarthy	Bergen, this isn't a television show, this is a zoo.
 	
Muppets 	(cheering)
Consider yourself our mate.
Charlie McCarthy	Oink-oink.
Muppets 	We don't want to have no fuss.
Charlie McCarthy	Cluck-cluck.
Muppets 	
For after some consideration, we can state,
Consider yourself … (Consider yourself) …
Consider yourself … (Consider yourself) …
Consider yourself … one of us!
 	Applause.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Dateline, The Muppet Show — an embarrassing situation developed today when the Muppet news reporter accidentally went on camera forgetting to put on his pants... (looks down) Oh. Ahem. Oh, good grief.
 	
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	Open on Gonzo and a brick in a boxing ring.
Kermit	(announcing) And now, in a feat of grand daring never before seen on this planet, the great Gonzo will attempt to wrestle a six-pound red brick while completely blindfolded.
 	
 	Gonzo breathes, mentally preparing himself. He sniffs around, detects the brick, grabs it, and immediately goes down. The audience laughs at him.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, put the Pigs in Space set onstage please.
 	
Gonzo 	Kermit, you promised me a welterweight brick! (pants)
Kermit 	Uh, yeah. (walks away) Scooter! Would you find Captain Hogthrob and tell him to stand by?
Scooter	Check.
Fozzie 	Uh, Kermit, where's the glue?
Kermit 	Uh, well, it's in the office. Where's Piggy?
Fozzie 	Oh, also, I need some string and some paint, and do you have any black cloth?
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, I'm trying to run a show around here.
Fozzie 	(whimpering) Oh, I know, Kermit, but you see, I'm on in a few minutes and my act's not ready.
Kermit 	Uh, well, what act is that, Fozzie?
Fozzie 	Oh, well, you know uh, how Edgar Bergen gets screams of laughter just by talking with Charlie McCarthy?
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, so?
 	
 	Fozzie reveals the makeshift dummy he's working on.
Fozzie 	Me and Chuckie'll knock 'em dead tonight! (departs)
Kermit 	There he goes, the dummy and his dummy.
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! Starring the indomitable Captain Link Hogthrob … the flappable first mate Miss Piggy … and the inexplicable Dr. Strangepork. As we left our heroes last time, the spaceship Swinetrek was on the verge of a hideous catastrophe.
Link Hogthrob 	Dr. Strangepork, who can save us from this hideous catastrophe?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Captain, according to my records, the only person who's had the necessary training to save us is First Mate Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	(gasp) Oh, I am ready to do whatever is necessary to save the Swinetrek and her crew. I am at the service of all porkdom. What is my assignment?
Link Hogthrob 	Miss Piggy, you and you alone can operate the independent heating / unifying element across the horizontal equalizing plane and save the entire crew of the Swinetrek.
Miss Piggy 	Oh? I am ready, my captain.
Link Hogthrob 	Excellent. (through the intercom) Bring in the equipment for Miss Piggy.
 	Two crew pigs wheel in an ironing board.
Miss Piggy 	But what is this?
Link Hogthrob 	Well, surely you recognize the independent heating / unifying element and the horizontal equalizing plane.
 	
Miss Piggy 	You want me to do the laundry?!
Link Hogthrob 	Well, of course. Nobody on the crew has had clean laundry for a week.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	That is correct. We are all living like pigs.
Link Hogthrob 	An astute observation, doctor. Hey, what say, you wanna play a little touch football, toss the old pigskin around?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Right behind you, captain.
 	They prepare to exit.
Link Hogthrob 	Oh, one more thing, Miss Piggy. A little less starch in the pajamas, OK?
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yeah? Well, starch this, sausage snout! Hi-YAH!
 	She almost karate-chops him, but the steel doors shut, leaving her shaken from the impact.
Announcer 	Tune in again next time for another iron-fisted episode of PIGS… IN… SPACE!
==UK spot==
	
	Rowlf the Dog sings the Groucho Marx song "Show Me a Rose."
==Dressing room==
 	Fozzie enters and sees Edgar and Mortimer Snerd.
Fozzie 	Excuse me, Mr. Bergen, could I come in and talk for a minute?
Edgar 	Well, of course you can, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Oh, good. (shuts the door)
Edgar 	And it's good to see you again. Uh, you know Mortimer Snerd of course.
Fozzie 	Oh. Well, of course! I recognize this charming, handsome looking gentleman.
Mortimer Snerd	(blushes) Yawww.
Fozzie 	Ahhh.
Mortimer Snerd	(guffaws) He says the darnedest things.
Edgar 	Well, Mortimer, you know who he is, surely.
Mortimer Snerd	Oh, yeah. Hello, Shirley.
Fozzie 	No, no, my name is Fozzie.
Mortimer Snerd	Yeah, that's right, Shirley Fozzie.
Fozzie 	(chuckles) Listen, Mortimer, I didn't even know you were here.
Mortimer Snerd	Well, say, maybe I'm not here.
Fozzie 	What?
Mortimer Snerd	Was I here yesterday?
Fozzie 	Uh, no.
Mortimer Snerd	Well, then probably I'm not here today. I don't travel too much, y'know.
Fozzie 	Listen, Mr. Bergen...
Mortimer Snerd	Am I supposed to be here?
Fozzie 	Well, of course!
Mortimer Snerd	Aww…
Edgar 	You'll have to excuse Mortimer. He's a little bit slow.
Mortimer Snerd	(guffaws) Yeah, it's probably why I'm not here yet.
 	
Fozzie 	Wait, what do you mean, Mortimer?
Mortimer Snerd	Well, if I were faster I'd be here by now.
Edgar 	Listen, Mortimer, take my word for it. You are here.
Mortimer Snerd	Well, thank goodness.
Edgar 	Are you through?
Mortimer Snerd	No, I'm here.
Edgar 	Yeah, all right. Mortimer, haven't you any brains at all?
Mortimer Snerd	Well, well, not with me, no.
Edgar 	I'll ignore that. Fozzie, what can I do for you?
Fozzie 	Oh! Oh, well, Mr. Bergen, see, my spot in the show is on in just a minute, and I've decided to go out and do an act like yours.
Edgar 	Oh, well, our act is easy.
Fozzie 	Oh?
Mortimer Snerd	Yeah, I sit on the stage and talk, and, and Bergen stands next to me and, uh, moves his lips here.
Edgar 	There's one more thing. You must have comedy, you must have good jokes.
Fozzie 	Oh. Jokes. Yeah.
Mortimer Snerd	Speaking of jokes... (guffaws) ... there's the funniest story going around.
Fozzie 	(giggling) What... what... Mortimer, what's the story going around.
Mortimer Snerd	Well, I don't know. It hasn't gotten around to me yet.
Fozzie 	Ahhh. Boy, Mortimer, you are stupid.
Mortimer Snerd	Yeah, yeah. But I've made a success of it.
Scooter 	Excuse me, Mortimer. Fozzie, you're on.
Fozzie 	Oh! Oh! Oh, I'm on! Oh, wish me luck, Mortimer. (exits)
Edgar 	Good luck.
Mortimer Snerd	Yeah, good luck. (guffaws) Oh, that Shirley is a nice fellow.
Edgar 	(groans)
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	OK, well, once again, it's time for everyone's, uh, semi-favorite funny man. Uh, or favorite semi-funny man, or whatever. Uh, Fozzie has something new in mind for tonight, so summon your courage and welcome if you will, Mr. Fozzie Bear and friend.
 	Fozzie's fanfare plays as he enters with his dummy, Chuckie.
 	200px
Fozzie 	Ahhh. Uh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's Fozzie and Chuckie time! Ahh! Um... Ahem. Uh, Chuckie, hey, heh, who was that lady I saw you with last night? This is funny.
 	Pause. Nothing happens. He laughs sheepishly.
Fozzie 	Uh, heh, Chuckie, who was that lady I saw you with last night?
 	Pause. Nothing happens. He shakes the dummy, whose hat falls off.
Fozzie 	All part of the act. Ha ha ha. Uh, hey, Chuckie, heh, uh, moving right along, ha ha ... uh, Chuckie, why do firemen wear red suspenders?
 	He mumbles the question into the dummy's ear. Pause. Nothing happens.
Fozzie 	Ha, ha, ha. OK, Chuckie, listen. Uh, why does the chicken cross the road?
 	Pause. Nothing happens. He shakes the dummy.
Fozzie 	Why did the chicken cross the road, Chuckie?! Say something! Anything!
 	He breaks off Chuckie's arm.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, Fozzie...
Fozzie 	He won't talk to me!
 	
Kermit 	Yeah, well, listen. There's something about ventriloquism that I think you should know.
Fozzie 	What?
Kermit 	You see, Fozzie... Listen, Fozzie... (whispers) it's the ventriloquist who actually does the talking. (whispers some more)
Fozzie 	He doesn't?!
Kermit 	Yes.
Fozzie 	Really? no moving lips?
Kermit 	Nope. (exits)
Fozzie 	OK, OK, I've got it now. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, listen. Ahem! Uh, Chuckie, heh, who was that lady I saw you with last night? (as Chuckie) "That was no lady. That was my wife."
 	Applause.
Fozzie 	(as himself) Ahh! Oh, that's so funny! Oh, I love me! Yeah, yeah!
 	He exits the stage, leaving Chuckie behind. The fanfare plays, and Chuckie comes to life on his own.
Chuckie	Hmm, actually, I spent the night alone. (turns his head left and right)
=="Time in a Bottle"==
	200px
	A scientist sings "Time in a Bottle," gradually growing younger as he creates different potions. Finally, at the end, he explodes, returning him to his original age.
=="Down at Papa Joe's"==
 	
 	Chickens play "Down at Papa Joe's" on the piano.
Waldorf	Terrible.
Statler	Awful. I hated it.
 	
 	A giant chicken appears behind them, roaring.
Waldorf	Wonderful!
Statler	Spectacular.
Waldorf	I loved it.
Statler	Yeah, I loved it.
==Edgar and Charlie==
Kermit 	Uh, Edgar Bergen is a performer who means something very special to all of us on The Muppet Show, so it's really a thrill for me to say, once again, here is Edgar Bergen and everybody's friend, Charlie McCarthy.
 	The curtain opens.
Edgar 	Well, Charlie, are you enjoying yourself on The Muppet Show?
Charlie McCarthy	Uh, yes, Bergen, I'm, uh... I'm enjoying myself, yes.
Edgar 	Well, that's nice.
 	
Charlie McCarthy	Yes. I have to enjoy myself. There's nothing else to enjoy on this show. (chuckles)
Edgar 	What?
Charlie McCarthy	They're a bunch of weirdoes.
Edgar 	Oh, no, no, Charlie. That's not — it's not nice to say that.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah?
Edgar 	Why, there's some wonderful folks on this show.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah?
Edgar 	Yeah. Well, like Fozzie.
Charlie McCarthy	Well, he's a bear.
Edgar 	Yes.
Charlie McCarthy	Pure and simple.
Edgar 	Charlie.
Charlie McCarthy	Accent on "simple."
Edgar 	(chuckles) Yes. No. You know, I think he's very nice. He's so cute and cuddly.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah. You know what he reminds me of?
Edgar 	No, what?
Charlie McCarthy	Uh, you know, the floor in my den, it needs a rug.
Edgar 	It needs a rug. That's enough of that, Charlie. I don't wanna hear any more about Fozzie.
Charlie McCarthy	Good. I'll talk about the frog.
Edgar 	No, no. No, you won't. He is our host, Kermit is.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah, that's right.
Edgar 	Yes.
Charlie McCarthy	You know what we used to do with frogs in biology class?
Edgar 	I don't want to hear about that.
Charlie McCarthy	No, no.
Edgar 	I'm surprised to hear you talking that way. What's the matter with you, Charlie?
Charlie McCarthy	Well, if you must know, I'm uh… I'm lonesome.
Edgar 	Oh, you're lonesome.
Charlie McCarthy	Yep.
Edgar 	Oh, I should have guessed that, sure. You — you miss the companionship of a beautiful, gorgeous female.
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah, yeah.
Miss Piggy 	Did someone call me?
Edgar 	She's here.
 	
 	Charlie hyperventilates. He faces Piggy and yelps.
Charlie McCarthy	Don't look, now, Bergen, but somebody left the sty gate open.
Miss Piggy 	Did you say something?
Charlie McCarthy	Yeah, well, I was, uh, I was talking to Bergen. That's what I was doing…
Miss Piggy 	Mm-hm.
Edgar 	Yeah, he was, uh, he was just saying that he wanted to meet you.
Miss Piggy 	Uh-huh. Didn't sound that way to me.
Charlie McCarthy	Well, me neither, and I said it.
Miss Piggy 	For your information, you overdressed splinter, my heart belongs to Kermit.
Charlie McCarthy	You, you're in love with a frog? (laughs)
 	
Miss Piggy 	What are you laughing at, mahogany mouth?
Charlie McCarthy	You know what we used to do with frogs?
Miss Piggy 	No. You know what we used to do with wood?
Charlie McCarthy	No.
Miss Piggy 	Chop it! Hi-YAH! (karate-chops him) Ow! Solid oak! (screams in pain)
 	Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, that's about it for another Muppet Show. But before we say goodbye, let's bring out our special guests one more time.
Charlie McCarthy	(off-stage) I'm not going out there if that pig is still there.
Edgar 	(off-stage) Don't be silly, Charlie.
Kermit 	Mr. Edgar Bergen and Mr. Charlie McCarthy!
 	Applause.
 	
Charlie McCarthy	Is that pig gone?
Kermit 	Uh, no. There's nobody out here but us frogs.
Charlie McCarthy	Oh, just frogs. Did I ever tell you what we did with frogs in biology class?
Kermit 	Uh, uh, we're a little late, folks, but we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
 	Waldorf sits alone in the balcony. He looks down.
Waldorf 	(to viewer) He shouldn't have jumped. This show's not that bad.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts