Ristar 31.8: Menace From Beyond

== Overview ==
Ristar 31.8 is well known in the gaming circle for being the easiest game to pinpoint in any extensive timeline based piece of media. Even beating out Discworld (don't look into it). Taking place between Ristar 5 and Ristarpg 7. Ristar 31.8 takes all of the forgotten and scrapped ideas from Ristarspast and combines it into a very coherent streamlined experience that has any longtime ristar fan at the edge of their seat. With the exact same gameplay you've come to expect. None.
== Developer Drama ==
A lesser known programmer was made head director of this game as it was seen as simply "a filler game to pad out this years winter solstice sales event". As they release one game every year at that time without fail. However Rog Tomers head director used this as a chance to prove himself and make a masterclass in gaming to prove himself to his superiors. After not making the winter solstice minute deadline (he was a second off) he was immediately fired and blacklisted from gaming all together. Starting up his own company "Neonoise Reviews" a very popular and influential gaming critique and developer. The owner of Ristar to this day says that firing Rog was "Not in anyway a mistake at all I hate that guy he smells like talcum powder 24/7"
== Story ==
Shortly after Ristar 11 we begin our tale as Luekemia Larry finds himself at space jail visiting someone special. However remember this is before Ristarblem and as such the universe is still pretty split
== Cutscenes ==
Lue: Hey Luo hows jail been going?
Luo: Oh lue it's right awful just awful. Who would've thought giving that bread man a water pail would've caused a mass drowning event leading back to me? I never thought such an evil man could exist!
Lue: Mind it none Luo you'll be out before you know it, besides it's only the 1st vist out of a planned 2763rd vist 30 years into your sentence. I mean it's lucky you're getting out of space prison at all from what I heard.
Luo: I like to count my eggs but this is just ridiculous. They don't even hatch space jail is a barren waste of cold and unbridled sexual urges.
Lue: Well that's no problem for you, your piss stings so bad it hurts all who get near.
Luo: Don't talk to me like that isn't dealt with are you here on good terms or are you here just to laugh at your brother.
Lue: No no, you're right. But still it should'nt be all too bad brother, here give me a hug before you go.
Lue and Luo hug through the wall before Lue is dragged back into ghost town by the etherial chains.
Luo: Alright whats on the docket today I wonder?
As Luo head back to his cell to see the daily schedule he is budged out of the way and knocked on the floor.
Luo: HEY WATCH IT YOU BU---------mmmsss
GGG: Gittity giggity golly what do we have here folly?
Folly: Thats Luo
GGG: Yeah it is
Luo: Yep
GGG: I forget what i was gonna do ok bye.
GGG and folly quickly skedaddle in a timely yet somewhat efficient manner.
Luo: I'll never get what those 2 are up two. Speaking of whats at 2?
The communal list of assorted tours, tortures, time wasters, and tinctures for the prison list that at 2 is a un-regulated prison break.
Luo: Oh gosh that's today?
GGG and Folly quickly undaddle back in frame.
GGG: Oh right that's what i was gonna do
Folly: When exactly was that supposed to start?
Luo: Oh well it says here 2:14pm with a slight possibility of delay due to magnetic storms, that's about an hour from now I guess.
GGG: Should we head to the bunker then?
Luo: What bunker
GGG: Oh damnit
Folly: Well now we GOTTA take him to the bunker or he'll sqwak on us to the guards.
Luo: Yeah what Folly said.
GGG: Fine fine now, come we have much to discuss.
The three walk into GGG's cell lined with posters about science and assorted YMCA sponsored brand deals before GGG lifts up his bed frame revealing a bed shaped hole in the floor and they both go inside.
GGG: Now I hope you already know the escape gang
Folly: We never told him who they were
GGG: I'm getting to that
Luo: I don't know them it's my first day
GGG: Oh yeah. Anyway we got
Cheestar: The names Cheese, Cheese Ristar. Although you can call me Cheestar. I'm the distraction.
RRR: Names Red Rider Ristar, after RRR snitched on me for being him I was to space jail for having the same name as a guy. I'm the sharp shooter. Obviously
BtSD: Names Barkely, i'm made of shortbread and a whizz with tech. I'm the tech guy obviously.
Shades: Names Sunglasses Ristar, no relation to those other glasses, which is why i'm in jail. I'm the expendable one.
Repentacle: Names Repentacle, I got locked up for not being a relevent enough plot character. I'm the narc
GGG: And finally me the Muscle.
Luo: What about Folly?
Folly: Oh shit right
Folly unveils his skin revealing
Darl: Darl Ristar, Dark Ristars clone sent to Space Jail after I grifted the english translation staff. I'm the disguise expert
Luo: So did you disguise yourself as a guy already in jail or did you go to jail as Folly?
Darl: I skinned that guy alive.
Luo: And he remained in perfect condition?
Darl: Look again
The skin suit rots itself to reveal years old skin
Luo: This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen in my life. I'm in
GGG: WOAH WOAH WAOH. No you're not, you need a thing.
Luo: Can't I be the straight guy, metaphorically speaking
Everyone: NO
Luo: Fine fine, Brains?
GGG: Wait we forgot brains?
Cheestar: No no we did have a brains guy he's just late.
GGG: You can't be the brains guy
Luo: Ok than who is?
???: Ah perfect just in time
GGG: No you're late
Sonk: Shit I am? did you already introduce Luo to everyone?
BtSD: Yeah you missed it man.
Sonk: Goddamnit it GGG did you mosey or did you skedaddle?
GGG pulls up the game code to check
GGG: Sorry boss we skedaddled
Sonk: Of course you did goddamnit it. Anyway I'm Sonk Ristar after sitting at the end of the bus without a booster seat i was forever trapped in the jail. Until now, we're gonna escape
Luo: I've heard.
Sonk: And finally we have the piece de la resistance. Luo - The alchemist
Luo: What
Sonk: What?
Luo: I'm not an alchemist i'm a scientist
Sonk: We need an alchemist. I guess you already know everything so you can stay but this isn't good.
GGG: Oh wait, I know what we did wrong
Sonk: What?
Darl: OH I'M AN IDIOT, I SKINNED SCIENTIST CULTIST NOT LUO.
Sonk: FUCK
BtSD: Science is close enough to alchemy my fathers work should still translate to proper results if given the chance.
Sonk: You're most likely correct alright then heres.
== The Plan ==
Sonk: Alright heres
== THE PLAN ==
Sonk: I already said that
RRR: Don't break the timeline yet sir just say 
== THE PLAN ==
Sonk: Cheester will go out into the space yard and be a distraction while RRR shoots out all the cameras with his massive stockpile of toothpicks he's been getting from the toothpick factory in block A. As the happens we all will go near the triple reinforced gate and BtSD will begin hacking into it to remove the 1st and most dangerous wall. The Fire Wall
GGG: BOOOOOOOO
Sonk: Shut up. As this happens guards from flanks A and B will begin pilling in from both sides. Repentacle, we need you to tell us when this happens
Repentacle: You got it boss
Sonk: When this happens Sunglasses Ristar we need you to die fighting the guards
Shades: Already on it boss (he leaves)
Sonk: Luo as you and Barkley get to the 2nd wall - The Water Wall. Barkley will begin filling the water a strong electric shock, what we need you to do is find something explosive in water to deal with it.
Luo: You didn't already have something like that prepared?
Sonk: We thought we'd have an alchemist those guys can do anything
Luo: I'll get something boss
Sonk: Good. Right as Shades dies more guards in spacecopters will begin flying in due to the water walls emergency alarm system. GGG we need you to reflect the missiles entirely using your hands
GGG: Easy as prison pie
Sonk: As the 3rd wall comes into view - The stone wall. We will climb it using the stairs on the marked Exit Sign of the facility. Are we all clear?
Luo: Wait wait wait. What about Darl?
Sonk: Who?
Luo looks around and finds nobody there even resembling Darl.
Luo: Uh... nothing nevermind.
== The Breakout ==
Alarms blare throughout the facility screeching about a prison riot and breakout in progress. All the lights go out as the cells go into emergency lockdown mode.
Sonk: Looks like they caught onto our plan, quickly let's hustle
As they head outside everything pretty much goes according to plan until the fire wall is taken down.
Sonk: Alright as we prepare the static shock keep an ear out for Repentacle.
...
...
Luo: Shouldn't the guards be here by now?
Sonk: ...wait a minute. It couldn't be!
Repentacle: BUT I WAS SONK
As they all turn around Repentacle is decked with golden pistols with the inscryption *Rat Surpeme* on the sides, behind him a massive brigade of guards.
Sonk: Repentacle I cannot believe it! You ratted us out?
Repentacle: That's right Sonk, I was the one who told the guards you were gonna break out today.
Sonk: You SNITCH FIEND. How could you betray us?
Repentacle: Oh it wasn't me who betrayed you it was (Repentacle removes his scales revealing)
Robo-Ristar: ME
Sonk: Of course the perfect robotic replica of my father I should've known!
Robo-Ristar: That's right, repentacle is too boring to be a side character in space jail, so while you pegged me a snitch in your plan, i was infact the mole.
Sonk: But you are my father why would you betray your own son?
Robo-Ristar: Because i'm evil dumbass *He loads his guns with black and white stripped bullets*
Sonk: Good thing you always have a plan G, Shades get in here!
...
Sonk: Shades?
BtSD: Shades is already dead sir he ran in earlier
It pans over to Shades dead in a family guy death pose in the middle of the field without even one scratch on him.
Sonk: DAMNIT he was our only expendable one at this rate we'd need some kind of distraction
Cheestar: Leave it to me sir! *Cheestar rushes into the mass of guards and distracts them*
Robo-Ristar: QUICKLY SUBDUE HIM BEFORE HE DISTRACTS US
Guard: IT'S TOO LATE SIR 
Robo-Ristar: NOOOOOOOOOO
BtSD: Hurry Luo the water walls ready!
Luo: You got it. *Luo quickly runs over to Shades and grabs his glasses revealing no eyes beneath them and throws it at the wall causing them to explode*
BtSD: How did you know that would work?
Luo: His sunglasses were made of pure sodium alloy, after years of losing in Ristar 7 his salty attitude formed a perfect explosive cast.
BtSD: Really?
Luo: No you fucking idiot the glasses reflected the electricity back in itself causing a loop.
BtSD: Oh...
Sonk: With the wall down we gotta get to that ladder before the copters come, we're almost out of time. GGG get in position
GGG: I think I wanna head with you boss, the copter will just shoot at Cheestar since he's disctracting them.
Sonk: Good idea, come now let's break outta here.
== Post-Breakout ==
The gang find themselves hiding out in Castle Dark Ristar. A barren abandoned place that nobody has visited in decades.
Luo: What made you think of this place?
Sonk: It's nostalgic for me. Even if i've never been here. It reminds me of my father. *He stares at a self portrait of Dark Ristar, it sucks*
BtSD: How long do you expect us to shack out here, we can't run forever, what if they call the super space cops.
Sonk: I'm hoping by that time you'll have figured out *he goes to a safe and pulls out an old weapon* This.
BtSD: It. IT CANNOT BE!
Sonk: Yes your fathers original multidimensional gun. Consider it a hand-me down, we may see him again if we get this to work.
BtSD: This means so much to me. Thank you Sonk truely.
Sonk: Your kindness is unneeded we still need to get out of here, hows the back RRR?
RRR: Good sir, although i'm surprised i'm even here in the first place
Luo: Yeah me too.
Sonk: Well considering the probability...wait. You Shouldn't be Alive.
RRR: Good thing I am
Sonk: Guess so.
Luo: So what do we need to fix this thing?
BtSD: Simple, science and alot of it. And a bit of multiversal juice. That is a problem.
Luo: Why's that?
Ristar: Because of me!
Sonk: WHAT THE RRR WHAT ABOUT THE BACK!?
Ristar: You forgot the front, the straightest path to evil
Sonk: CONFOUND IT ATTACK THAT MEDDLING STAR
Ristar: Not so fast Sonk, your penny store crooks won't stop me this time. ONE FINGER DEATH GRIP PUNCH!
Ristar flicks RRR into the exosphere into a conviently placed blackhole off screen, killing him forever.
Ristar: I heard some timeline anomalies had escaped the prison and now i've got you dead to rights!
GGG: Don't worry boss I got this.
Ristar quickly rap battles GGG and wins
GGG: Oh no
Sonk: Anomalies? What do you mean? Ristar can't rap. Just who are you?
Ristar removes his yellow to reveal
Darl: That's enough of you Sonk, don't make me use my powers against you. You don't know what's at stake
Sonk: What do you mean. Please have mercy
Sonk's plea for mercy fizzled into the air revealing Darl Ristar
Darl: You're already causing more problems for yourself you're supposed to be dead. ALL OF YOU ARE
Sonk: Please you don't understand. I WON'T GO BACK I CAN'T GO BACK YOU HEAR ME!
Luo: Sonk what's going on?
Darl: After I escaped the Timelords loop the short lapse in reality had created a short rip in the Ghost Town dimension. Allowing Sonk to escape with what little he could. Leaving Universe 2 and coming here. I was hired by Father Time himself to stop you from causing more problems and leaving with the contraband. 
BtSD: But I don't remember escaping Ghost Town, I never went there!
Darl: Your memories are failing you, and soon your bodies will too when space jail won't hold you, theres only one thing left to send you to. TIME JAIL
As Darl says that everyone in the area gets instantly warped in a negative aura to another dimension. Leaving only Darl
Darl: Good, they won't be canon after this. I'm sorry chum.
== The Non-Canon Dimension ==
Sonk: It can't be, not here anywhere but here. I JUST WANT TO LIVE DAMN YOU
Luo: Where are we?
Sonk: The non-canon dimension. To stop me from trying to escape my fate in Ghost Town he completely made us non-canon to the timeline. We're stuck here forever...
BtSD: Is there anyone else here?
Sonk: I guess we'll find out soon enough as is. I hope you enjoy existence folks. It's gonna be a long one.
BtSD: But what about all we did today? Did anything matter?
Sonk: Unfortunately no, everything we did today, and everything we've done outside out timelines are null and void. Nothing we did today mattered at all.
BtSD: I guess we just make the best of what we have together
Luo: Seems so.
END
== Trivia ==
The Ristar Rap video was published and released under Rappin Ristar Records INC. They have never released another record since 
During the prison scene is it possible to see science cultist right as he gets skinned in gruesome detail, leading to the game getting a Rated T rating.
It was strictly advised that Cheestar not make an appearence in this game despite his prominent role. Leading to the developers possible firement as well.
Neo Noise rated this game a 8/10 despite being made by them. Confusing everyone.
Category:Games