Commentaries on ShowBiz-Produced Rock-afire Explosion Showtapes (Johnsonverse)

Here is a list of transcripts of the Rock-afire Explosion's commentaries on the ShowBiz Pizza Time-produced RAE showtapes from the 1986-1987 period, as well as "The Rolfe and Earle Show", on the August 12, 2020 episode of The Rock-afire Podcast.
== Time Machine / Hits 1 ==
=== Time Machine ===
* (Applause and drumroll noises are heard, along with horns)
* Fatz: Okay, let's get this over with.
*Beach Bear: How long is this gonna be, anyway?
* Fake Rolfe: And now, won't you please give a big ShowBiz welcome to the world's greatest robotic band?
* Earl: Ugh, give me a break. We. Are not. Robots.
* Rolfe: And that's not how I sound like! I sound more handsome than that.
*Fake Mitzi: Freedom...
*Mitzi Sr.: You're kidding me, right? Because that's not how I sounded back in '86.
*Fake Mitzi: Freedom...
*Looney Bird: That's exactly what I want. Freedom from these shows.
*Fake Mitzi: Ohhhh, there we go... Did you want to know me?
*Dook: Well I certainly don't want to, "Mitzi".
*Fake Mitzi: I would like to know you...
*Mitzi Jr.: I know my momma's an infinitely better singer.
*Fake Mitzi: Do you wanna talk to me? I would like to talk to you... 
*Klunk: No. Not even on my abomination show.
*Fake Mitzi and backup singers: Ohhhh... I still love you...
*Fake Mitzi: If you don't trust me...
*Mitzi Sr.: Just remembered, we did this show a few years back, right?
*Billy Bob: Summertime 2013.
*Beach Bear: A much better version, I might add.
*Fake Mitzi: If you don't try to understand me... I'll never understand you...
*TBA
*(Applause is heard)
*Looney Bird: What's with the canned applause? We never have that.
*Fake Fatz: Hey, hey, hey, everybody.
*Fatz: Never heard that before.
*Fake Fatz: I think it's about time to tell you about my new invention.
*Looney Bird: Hey, I'm the inventor here.
*Fake Fatz: It's called, the Magical Musical Time Machine.
*(Musical horns sound)
*Earl: Sesame Street called, they want their horns back.
*Fake Fatz: The Magical Musical Time Machine.
*(Musical horns sound)
*Fake Fatz: And if you'll allow me, I'll tell you how it works.
*Beach Bear: Assuming it even does.
*Fake Fatz: You tell me your fondest musical dream. Give me the time, and the place...
*Mitzi Jr.: ...and I'll track you down.
*Fake Fatz: ...and by simply pressing a few keys on this here magical machine, your dream will come true!
*Fake Mitzi: Our fondest musical dream?
*Fake Fatz: Right on.
*Earl: How do you do, fellow kids?
*Fake Fatz: ...if you'll allow me, I'll actually show you how it works. Now let's see here... (laughs) The Mississippi River, 1925...
*Fernando: Lucky he didn't pick West Eurasia in 1348.
*(Banjo music plays)
*Looney Bird: So let me get this straight: Fatz, not me, has invented a time machine from his Tune Machine, and the entire stage, us included, teleports to, and I quote, someone's fondest musical dreams?
*Billy Bob: I guess so, Looney.
*Announcer: ...let's give a big steamboat welcome to the Mississippi River's finest fingers, the fabulous Fatz!
*Dook: I know I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box, but I don't recall any of us having intros this cheesy.
*Mitzi Sr.: Me neither.
=== Hits 1 ===
* Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, ShowBiz Pizza Place proudly presents the world's greatest robotic entertainers!
* Earl: Again, WE AIN'T ROBOTS!
== Happy B-day Liberty ==
* (Patriotic music plays)
*Looney Bird: Already we're off to a good start. Cheerful-sounding patriotic music.
*Billy Bob: Yeah, I'm real glad we did our Liberty Show, looking back.
*Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, get ready for some star-spangled fun when Billy Bob, Fatz and the whole Rock-afire gang...
*Mitzi Sr.: Not the real ones.
*Announcer: ...happy birthday to the Statue of Liberty. It's all going to happen right here on our ShowBiz stage, just one minute from now.
*Beach Bear: An announcement straight out of those Saturday morning cartoon bumpers.
*Rolfe: And one minute until we can hear those insufferable voices.
*Mitzi Jr.: So what should we do to pass the time?
*Looney Bird: Well, I was thinking we could talk about science stuff--
*Rolfe: NEXT!
*Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen...
*Mitzi Jr.: Time's up.
*Announcer: ...I hope you're ready to party, 'cause this year marks the Statue of Liberty's 100th birthday, and here comes the fabulous Rock-afire Explosion to celebrate!
*Mitzi Sr.: As we've said before, these guys are not fabulous.
*(Music begins playing as the fake Rock-afire Explosion laugh)
*Fake Fatz: Hey everybody, let's go eat!
*Fake Mitzi: Sounds good to me, Fatz.
*Fake Beach Bear: Let's do it.
*Fake Dook: Yeah, c-c-c-cause it's the Liberty lady's birthday!
*Fake Fatz: Right.
*Fake Mitzi: For a century, her torch has been guiding Pilgrims to the New World.
*(The band begins performing "Coming to America")
*Fake Fatz: Far...
*Fake Mitzi: Far out, Fatz.
*Fake Fatz: We've been traveling far...
*Fatz: Didn't we do that on our version?
*Fake Rock-afire Explosion: We're coming to America!
*Beach Bear: Yeah, we did do that. We did it much better.
== Westerns / Movies / R&R ==
=== Westerns ===
* (The opening horns from the theme to The Lone Ranger play)
*Billy Bob: Remember The Lone Ranger, guys?
*Mitzi Jr.: That was before I was born.
*The Lone Ranger: Hi-yo, Silver! Away!
*Looney Bird: Hi-yo, frauds! Away!
=== Movies ===
=== R&R ===
== Summertime / Westerns ==
=== Summertime ===
* Fake Fatz: It's summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime
*Fake RAE: Summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertimeSummertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertimeSummertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertimeSummertime!
* Fake Fatz: Hey everybody, it's time to shut them books, go outside, take a dip in the ol' swimming hole and have some fun!
* Fake RAE: Because it's summertime!It's summertime!
* Fake Fatz: It's summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertime
*Fake RAE: Summertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertimeSummertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertimeSummertime, summertime, sum-sum-summertimeSummertime!It's summertime!
== Working / Summertime ==
=== Working ===
* Fake Fatz: All right, everybody, look sharp, it's worktime!
*Fake Dook: You mean it's playtime.
*Fake Mitzi: Right, Dook, 'cause when we're playing we're working!
*Mitzi Sr.: The heck?
== Yogi Bear Showtape ==
* Billy Bob: I can't believe I wasn't even in this one...
== The Rolfe and Earle Show ==
* Fake Earl: Hey, check it out. The other curtains didn't open, so it must be The Earl and Rolfe Show!
*Fake Rolfe: Ha, you wish. No chance, my handy little friend.
*Earl: The heck? Why am I acting like Rolfe?
*Rolfe: And why am I acting like you?
*Fake Earl: ...Why are the curtains closed?
*Fake Rolfe: Questions, questions, questions. Well, I happen to have the inside scoop. There are some pretty groovy changes going...
*Beach Bear: How do you do, fellow kids?
*Fake Earl: Oh yeah? Like what?
*Fake Rolfe: Some new faces here at ShowBiz.
*Fake Earl: What kind of faces?
*Earl: I would NEVER ask anything that stupid.
*Fake Rolfe: What has big ears...
*Fake Earl: An elephant.
*Fake Rolfe: ...a long, pointed nose...
*Fake Earl: An anteater.
*Fake Rolfe: ...and wears a red derby hat?
*Fake Earl: A red derby hat?
*Earl: Gee, I wonder who?
*Beach Bear: Hint: his name rhymes with "Buck E. Bees".
*Fake Rolfe: ...and since it'll take you a year to figure it out...
*Fake Earl: Ah, give me a break.
*Fernando: Exactly what I was about to say!
*Fake Rolfe: ...at some of the fun we've had over the last couple of years.
*Mitzi Sr.: So we're not looking at the classics?
*Fake Rolfe: Remember the piece where Fatz made his classical piano debut?
*Fatz: I remember that.
*Fake Rolfe: Check out the monitors.
*Fatz: Let's fast forward through all that, just to get it over with.
*(A remote click is heard, and the footage speeds up with a VHS-style filter; the audio for the songs is much faster and chipmunk-pitched, a la a fast forward effect on a VCR. When the songs end, another remote click is heard, and the show resumes in normal speed.)
* Fake Earl: I love Mitzi's voice, so where is she anyway?
* Fake Rolfe: I think she's probably getting one of those beauty parlor makeovers.
* Mitzi Sr.: Their way of saying "We weren't willing to agree with them".
* Fake Fatz: Maybe I could suggest a diet?
* Fatz: No thank you, sir.
* Fake Rolfe: Check this out.
* Fatz: Alright, fast forwardin' again.
*(A remote click is heard, and the footage speeds up again, with the same effects. When the songs end, another remote click is heard, and the show resumes.)
* Fake Rolfe: We'll be back in a few minutes with some more ShowBiz highlights!
* Fake Earl: Uh, big ears, uh, long nose, red derby hat...
* Fake Rolfe: Keep working on it, little buddy.
*Earl: I would've gotten Chuck E. Cheese immediately.
=== Birthday Spectacular ===
* (Cheerful music plays)
* Fake Earl: Hey, Rolfe...
* Entire band: (screams)
* Rolfe: What did I do to deserve this?
* Earl: That sounds like Munch, not me!
* Beach Bear: I knew this wasn't gonna be any good!
* Dook: WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
* Mitzi Sr.: Cover your ears, dear.
* Mitzi Jr. Okay...
* Fatz: Calm down, everybody, I've seen worse.
* Looney Bird: Prove it then.
* Fatz: Uh... good point.
* Billy Bob: I really don't like this.
* Klunk: Even I wouldn't do anything like this.
* Fernando: I'd rather be dead.
* Billy Bob: Let's all try to get through this with our sanity intact.
Category:Johnsonverse