A Tale of Two Springfields/Quotes

:Homer: I can't believe those rats deserted us. They couldn't take one lousy famine!
----
:Kent Brockman: [about the people of New Springfield] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner, they tend to use low-brow expressions like "Oh, yeah?" and "C'mere a minute!"
:Homer: Oh, yeah? They think they're better than us, huh? Bart, c'mere a minute!
:Bart: You c'mere a minute!
:Homer: Oh, yeah?
----
:Bart: C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.
:Lisa: [searching the Internet] Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats voles, and marmots.
:Bart: [searches through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats ... stoats ...
:Lisa: Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.
:Bart: Then what's this? [holds up a can]
:Lisa: That's corn, Bart.
:Bart: Must you embarrass me?
----
:Homer: Television broken?
:Bart: No. There's a badger in there.
:Homer: Badger my ass! It's probably Milhouse. [crawls into the doghouse] Milhouse … Milhouse! [the badger attacks Homer; Homer screams and comes out] It's a badger, all right. Possibly a griffin. Bart, do you have any dynamite in your room?
:Bart: Tons.
:Homer: Get it.
:Lisa: No, Dad, we don't want to kill him. Let's call Animal Control.
:Homer: Great idea. Then we should call the doctor about this. [lifts up his shirt, revealing a hole in his chest that shows his internal organs]
:Lisa: How did the badger do that without ripping your shirt?
:Homer: What am I, a tailor?
----
:[As Homer tries to call Animal Control, but gets a tri-tone]
:Phone Operator: Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.
:Homer: Area code? But it's a local call!
:Marge: The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 636 area code, and our half gets 939.
:Homer: 939!? What the hell is that!? Oh, my life is ruined.
:Marge: Jeez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.
:Homer: Oh, if only it were that easy, Marge. [the badger appears at the window] Go away! We got bigger problems now. [the badger leaves]
----
:Homer: [writing "939" on his hand] I hate this new area code. Like I don't have enough to remember already. [looks at his other hand, which has "Lenny = white, Carl = black" written on it] Is that right? Don't you miss the old 636 ...[consults hand] ... Carl?
:Carl: I'm not sure which one's better. The "6" is closer to the "3", so you got convenience there, but the "9" has less to do with Satan, which is a plus in this religious world of ours.
:Homer: What really burns me up is they didn't give us one word of warning.
:Carl: What do you mean? They ran those TV commercials about it, and that big radio campaign.
:Lenny: Don't forget the leaflets they dropped from the Space Shuttle, and the 2 weeks we all spent at area code camp.
:Homer: Not a single word of warning.
----
:[After Homer didn't win tickets to the Who concert]
:Homer: It's not fair! I've been a fan of The Who since the very beginning, when they were The Hillbilly Bugger Boys.
:Bart: You should call that radio station and let 'em have it!
:Homer: Good idea! [dials the phone and gets the tri-tone again; Bart laughs] Why, you little...! [throttles Bart with the cord and angrily growling; Bart fights back by hitting Homer repeatedly with the receiver until they both end up passing out on the floor]
----
:Lindsey Naegle: I know many of you are upset about the area code change, especially those of you with dynamite strapped to your bodies.
----
:[During the film by the phone company]
:Homer: Uh, I have a question, Phoney.
:Lisa: It's a movie, Dad.
:Homer: Quiet, honey, Daddy's asking the man a question.
----
:Phoney McRingRing: But how will I remember all those numbers? Well, scientists have discovered that even monkeys can memorize ten numbers. Are you stupider than a monkey?
:Chief Wiggum: How big of a monkey?
:Phoney McRingRing: Ha, ha. Of course you're not.
----
:Homer: Now, I'm not one to make trouble, but it seems to me that everyone who got to keep the old, or [air quotes] classic 636 area code lives on [points finger accusingly] the rich side of town!
:Mr. Burns: Dooh, poppycock!
:Female Socialite: Well, I never! [the man next to her is horrified, and his monocle falls into his drinking glass]
:Homer: And, as usual, we Joe Twelve-Packs get the royal screw job.
:Moe: [stands up] Homer's right. We're getting the Joan Collins special.
----
:Homer: We're officially a city. Now we just sit back and wait for an NFL franchise.
:NFL Guy: Hello, sir. I represent the Arizona Cardinals.
:Homer: Keep walkin'.
----
:Marge: More wheat cakes, Mr. Mayor?
:Homer: Read my lips: Yes. [spills syrup on his "Mayor" sash]
:Bart: Dad, you got syrup on your sash.
:Homer: No problem. [tugs on the end of his sash; the part with "Mayor" written on it tears off, revealing a pristine new sash underneath; tosses the old one away]
:Lisa: Dad, if you ask me...
:Homer: [holds up his hand] Stop right there.
:Lisa: [peers around his hand] It's stupid to divide the city over something as silly as an area code. It'd be like you and Mom splitting up every time you had a fight.
:Homer: Sweetie, you know your mother and I only stay together for the sake of my political career.
:Marge: That's not true!
:[A cameraman appears at their kitchen window]
:Homer: Big grins! [kisses Marge as the cameraman takes their picture] That'll play great in the sticks. [wipes his mouth on his sash, then tears it off to reveal a new one reading, "Time to reorder"] That was 50 already?
----
:[While Milhouse and Bart are playing Frisbee which ends up in Old Springfield]
:Jimbo: Hey, look what I found: a novelty flying disc.
:Bart: Give it back! It's my novelty flying disc.
:Jimbo: You're in Olde Springfield now. Everything on this side of the park belongs to us!
:Kearney: Hey! His pants are in our park too!
:Dolph: Get him! [the bullies take Bart's pants leaving him in his underwear]
:Bart: My homework is in your park!
:Kearney: Let's do it! [takes Bart's homework out of his backpack] Yoink!
:[Later, the bullies are doing Bart's homework]
:Dolph: What does freedom mean to me?
----
:Marge: I don't know why, but I just didn't feel comfortable until I was back here in New Springfield with my own kind.
:Lisa: Mom!
:Marge: They were looking at me ... with their eyes.
----
:[After Homer cuts the power off in Old Springfield]
:Nurse [to Dr. Hibbert]: Oh, no! You can't do heart surgery in the dark.
:Dr. Hibbert: Sounds like a wager to me.
:Krusty: (on the operating table) I'll take a piece of that.
----
:[When Professor Frink tries to transport Sir Isaac Newton, but the power goes off and only his legs and hips are transported]
:Professor Frink: Oh, no! Sweet glaven! [the legs chase him around the room, kicking him] Ow, ow! Sir Isaac's legs are hurting!
----
:Mayor Quimby: They got us now. Without water, we're doomed.
:Principal Skinner: Wait a minute! What's that gold-colored substance in the riverbed?
:Dr. Hibbert: Why, that's gold.
:Mr. Burns: We're slightly richer!
----
:[On the Springfield nightly news, Kent Brockman is dressed in gold]
:Kent Brockman: With the money made from the gold, Old Springfield was able to buy the Evian water factory and fly it over here from France. [news footage shows several helicopters lowering the Evian water factory into place on the old riverbed]
:Homer: [groans]
:Kent Brockman: Thanks, Mr. Simpson. Because of you, we're all taking golden showers. [there's laughter offstage] What?
----
:Marge: [to Homer] We can't go on fighting with Old Springfield. These people are our neighbors. We see them every day.
:Homer: You're right. We've got to block them from our sight with a giant wall.
:Marge: Like the one in Berlin?
:Homer: Good idea. We should call the guys they used. [picks up the phone and dials, getting the tri-tone again]
:Marge: Homer…
:Homer: It's ringing…
----
:Guard: Can I help you?
:Homer: Uh …
:Bart: Dad, the chloroform.
:Homer: Huh? Oh, right. I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you'll take us to The Who.
:Bart: D'oh!
----
:[After the security guard throws Bart and Homer into the Who's hotel room]
:Roger: I thought we fired that guard.
:Guard: Oh, yeah, right; I got fired by The Who. Whatever you say, pal. [does the "crazy" whistle] Wacko. [twirls his finger in the "nuts" gesture, and leaves]
----
:Homer: I'm Homer Simpson.
:John: The mayor of New Springfield?
:Homer: That's right.
:Roger: The crazy mayor of New Springfield?
:Homer: That's right, and I implore you to move your concert to our town. Don't play Old Springfield ... or, as it is sometimes known, Sun City.
:Roger: We had a handshake agreement with a concert promoter and that's a sacred bond.
:The Who: [together] Sacred Bond.
:Homer: Come on, what happened to the angry, defiant Who of "My Generation," "Won't Get Fooled Again," and "Mama's Got a Squeeze Box?"
:John: We know our songs, Homer.
:Homer: But those Old Springfield squares are just going to make you cut your hair, turn down your music, and wear frilly shirts like Keith Partridge.
:Roger: Keith Partridge? Who huddle. [the band huddles to talk things over]
:John: We'll do it!
:Bart: Yeah!
:[Homer and Bart exchange high-fives]
:John: Just send the car for us.
:Homer: What, something wrong with your legs?
:Roger: You're right. The walk will do us good.
----
:Krusty: I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out in a Beatle wig with a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed: his exact words.
:Sideshow Mel: [sarcastically] Oh, I never tire of that story.
----
:Mr. Burns: Smithers, why did you iron a crease in these Dungaries? I look like a square!
:Smithers: Uuh, that crease is in your leg, sir.
:Mr. Burns: Ah, so it is.... yeees.
----
:Moe: Homer stole our rock performance! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.
----
:Mayor Quimby: Give us back our concert, Simpson.
:Homer: So, New Springfield's looking pretty good now, isn't it, with our ample parking, and daily Who concerts.
:Roger: Daily?
:Homer: We'll talk.
----
:John: Oh, please, what's all this fighting about?
:Pete: Apparently, they have two different area codes.
:Roger: Well, I'll be chuggered. That's the sticky wicket? Why not just buy telephones with auto-ringup, or as you Yanks call it, speed dial. [the crowd murmurs its approval] Radio Shack has some great ones.
:Pete: Humph. Says you.
----
:Homer: Well, Marge, looks like your insane experiment is over.
:Marge: My experiment? You're the one who came up with this whole idea …
:[Homer uses some chloroform on Marge]
----
es:A Tale of Two Springfields/Frases