Ace Attony

This is the 47th episode of Hoopla's Fantastic Beach, and the 8th episode of season 4.
==Transcript==
(The episode begins with Simon and other charity members gathered around a long table)
Simon: Alright, it's time for our biweekly meeting. Any issues you guys want to bring up?
Charity member: I need the toilet.
Simon: (sighs) Why didn’t you go before the meeting started?
Charity member: I didn’t need it then!
Simon: You should have gone anyway!
Charity member: I didn’t need it!
Simon: (sighs) Fine, fine, go if you have to.
Charity member: You’re a lifesaver.
(The charity member runs off to the bathroom)
Simon: Anyone else have any actual issues?
(One of the members is vibing with his headphones on, with his phone showing that he is listening to The Boops and the Las by Lil Oopla)
Simon: JARED!
Jared: Ahh! (takes off his headphones) Sorry about that, it's just that this song is SO GOOD.
Simon: Jared, you know you are in a meeting right now right?
Jared: Yeah I'm sorry dude. What were you saying?
Simon: (sighs) We're at the biweekly charity meaning. Do you have any issues we need to discuss?
Jared: No not really.
Other charity member: Wait, Lil Oopla? Isn't that guy signed to Boopla’s rap company?
Jared: Yeah, what about it?
Other charity member: Didn't you hear? He works for SATAN!
(Everyone else gasps)
Jared: Wait, how do you know this for sure? Are you sure this isn't cap?
Simon: “Cap”?
Another charity member: Oh god, his satanic rapping slang is taking over you!
Simon: This is ridiculous. Hoopla is a great guy! I know there were all those accusations of him being racist last week, but a friend of his would never work with Satan! …probably not, anyway.
Jared: Uh, we're talking about Boopla sir, not Hoopla.
Simon: Yeah, I totally knew that…
Charity member: The goal of this charity cannot be completed if Satan is allowed to stay in our town!
Jared: What’s the goal again?
Charity member: To create a perfect world… it's a very easy concept.
Jared: That seems kinda ridiculous…
Charity members: HE SHOULD BE EXPELLED FROM THIS CHARITY!
Simon: Can we do that?
Charity members: We must take action. We’ll sue that dastardly Boopla’s company, get Satan out, and his company will crumble to shambles.
Simon: I don’t really know about this. What do you even sue for?
Charity members: Uhh…for working with the devil?
Simon: I don’t know if that’s legal. Or at the very least, I don't know if I CAN sue for that.
Charity members: We’ll do it anyway!
(The members all jump out of their seats and run outside, presumably to the court offices.)
Simon: Isn’t this fantastic. Can’t even keep control over my own charity. I didn’t even get to promote the cool secret club they can enter if they donate more. (sigh) I should probably go tell Boopla.
(The guy who ran off to the bathroom earlier comes back)
Charity Member: …where’d everyone go?
(Cut to Simon entering Boopla’s Rapping Company’s offices)
Simon: What kind of name is “Boopla’s Rapping Company”?
Boopla: Kids like rap, right? And I love little kids, right?
Simon: Okay, that sentence ends there. 
Boopla: (yelling) We’ve got company!
(The ceiling above collapses and Alpooh and Tony fall down.)
Tony: Ouchy.
Alpooh: Couldn’t you have waited a minute for us to take the stairs?
Boopla: Remember what I told you. No seconds wasted. Always be productive.
Alpooh: Well now you have a ceiling to fix.
Boopla: You will be doing that. More time for you to be productive. So, what did you want again, Uh… Salmon, is it?
Simon: (shrugs) Close enough. So basically, this cul- (clears throat loudly) uh, charity, I run wants to sue you for working with Satan.
Boopla: Eh, we have a pretty good lawyer, don’t worry about it. It’s all good, man.
Alpooh: I didn’t know we had a lawyer.
Boopla: Shut up! (picks up his phone and calls Hoopla) Hey Hoopla, would you like to become a lawyer? (Looks around to see no one is answering) No? Well, my bodyguards are already outside your house to bring you here so… good luck! (hangs up) Our lawyer will be here any minute now.
(An awkward silence fills the room as Hoopla is carried into the room by 2 surly bodyguards)s
Hoopla: LET ME GO! I GOT A BOWL OF CHEERIOS LEFT UNEATEN ON THE TABLE! 
Boopla: See? Pretty good lawyer.
Hoopla: Pretty good what now?
Boopla: You can do lawyer stuff, right?
Hoopla: A what?
Boopla: You saved the world three times, being a lawyer should be easy work for you.
Hoopla: I don't even know the law. I probably have broken more laws than I even can begin to comprehend.
Boopla: Great, so you're perfect for the lawyer job?
Hoopla: what
Simon: Um… could I get a word in?
Hoopla: Please help me, I have zero clue what’s going on.
Simon: I guess you can say we… Better Call Hoopla! 
Boopla: You can't call him. He isn't a lawyer yet.
Simon : It was a reference, you dolt.
Hoopla: Yet?! Do you know how hard law school is?! I’m not doing this!
Simon: Hoopla, if you want your friends to be safe, you gotta help us. 
Alpooh: Hey, why are you here anyway? It is your charity that’s suing, right? You’re acting very strange to me… I’m gonna start making conspiracy theories.
(Alpooh runs off into a closet.)
Alpooh: YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE UP TO, “SIMON”! YOUR NEW WORLD ORDER WILL NEVER TAKE CONTROL!
Hoopla: Um…
Boopla: Valued employee, folks.
Hoopla: I guess he’ll just be doing his own thing.
Boopla: Though, he did raise a good question.
Simon: I’m only telling you guys about this because my charity is going out of control. They can’t just sue what they don’t like, and if they keep it up, everyone will be fighting and suing each other. There’ll never be peace. Only lawsuits. 
Hoopla: I still don't wanna go to law school. Sounds boring.
Simon: Just try it. You will love it.
Hoopla: Okay, but you better not just be lying.
(Cut to Hoopla at law school)
Hoopla: …this is stupid.
(Hoopla walks out)
Simon: Okay… so much for that.
Hoopla: You lied to me, so I get to punch you.
Simon: I didn't agree to- (gets punched by Hoopla so hard his nose bleeds) OW!
Hoopla: I just wanted to punch something.
Boopla: I didn't know he even HAD a nose.
Simon: (Groans in pain before shoving some paper towels up his nose to stop the bleeding) Okay, assault charges aside, this is getting out of hand. You guys don’t realize how screwed you are. Well, except for Hoopla. I think he is probably gonna be okay.
Hoopla: Good. Can I leave yet? 
Simon: But for all your friends… if my charity members win, they’re gonna lose essentially all of their money.
Hoopla: How is that my problem?
Boopla: Stop talking! Stop! You’re going to make me faint! (hyperventilating) The money isn’t going anywhere. It’s fine, we’re all fine here. (Breathes into a plastic bag)
Simon: Do you really want that, Hoopla? Do you want to be responsible for your friends going bankrupt? Do you want that on your subconscious? Do you?
Hoopla: N-no! Of course not! But I’m not a lawyer! You’ll lose even with my help! I’m just a regular slippin’ Hoopla!
Simon: So be it. Your friends lose all their money and it's all your fault.
Boopla: Jeez, what an ass this Simon guy is.
Alpooh: (from the closet) THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!
Hoopla: (angry sigh) Fine. I will do the stupid law thing or whatever. But you won’t get away with guilt tripping me again….that’s what one of the chaps in my basement did.
Simon: Sorry, I just get really serious sometimes. Especially since this could lead to never-ending war.
Boopla: Now, hold on a second. Did you just say we’ll lose even with your help?
Hoopla: Well, yeah. Just because I try learning the law doesn’t mean I’ll be good at it.
Simon: When you put it that way… You may be right. Fortunately, I am a dangerous egotistical sociopath, so I won't back down on this.
Hoopla: Or, we could just, like, find a different lawyer?
Boopla: But, but, but they’re so expensive!
Hoopla: A cheap one, then.
Simon: Where in the world would you find a cheap lawyer?
(Everyone looks behind, where Tony has been quietly sitting on a desk, staring at his ant farm)
Tony: Come on, you stupid ants! Why aren't you moving? I gave you steroids and sexual fertalizers for a reason, you know! (Turns to see everyone looking at him) Oh. Hey. Did you guys want something? I am watching over my ants, who despite everything, refuse to mate with each other.
Simon: Too much information.
Boopla: C’mon. This is a long shot.
Hoopla: (walking to Tony) Tony, aren’t you great at like, you know, everything?
Tony: Why… yes. My life is so peaceful and calming, I’ve studied every single college subject. In fact, I have all the degrees that exist. And yet I can't get two ants to have sex with eachother. (Knocks on ant farm) YOU LAZY ANTS! MAKE SOME ANT BABIES!
(The ant farm falls off the desk, breaking, and all the ants scurry across the room until they are hidden)
Tony: Uh… You all are vaccinated, right?
Simon: So what do you say, Hoopla?
Hoopla: Uh, yeah! Of course we should have Tony do the work instead of me!
Tony: Oh? More work? Neat, I’ll be able to get some more money to buy those expensive flowers I wanted to get for my girlfriend, soon to be wife, probably.
Boopla: Cheap. You will do it for cheap.
Tony: When you put it that way…
Hoopla: Please, just accept. It's been a long day, dude.
Simon: Do you even know what you’re doing?
Tony: No, but I’m sure it’ll be fun. Anything new is fun. Except gay people. (Slowly faces towards camera) I HATE gay people.
(Uncomfortable silence fills the room)
Boopla: That settles it then; you’re going to be our lawyer.
Tony: Oh yeah, I excelled in that class. Never really got around to doing much of it, though. I was busy taking care of my fish collection during that time. And my unsuccessful attempts at ant sex.
Simon: (tearing up) My god… he’s like a modern day Jesus… so peaceful… beautiful… (sobbing)
Hoopla: Oh please, he just talked about ant sex.
Simon: IT’S A MIRACLE OF LIFE AND IT’S WONDROUS!
Boopla: Well, I’m sure we don’t have much time before the trial begins. Tony, you have to meet with your client. My boss… Satan.
(Lightning strikes)
Boopla: Yeah, that’s a normal occurrence.
(Boopla leads everyone to a hidden backdoor.)
Hoopla: Don’t worry, Satan’s actually a pretty nice guy.
(Boopla opens the door and everyone’s faces get burned like Gus Fring OMG WHAT BREAKING BAD)
Boopla: It’ll go back to normal eventually.
(They walk into the office and Satan turns around.)
Satan: WHO DARES DISTURB THE LAIR OF SATA- (Notices who is in front of him) Oh, damn, what's up, homies?
Boopla: Hi, Satan. You’re being sued.
Satan: WHAT?!
Boopla: Don’t worry, Tony here will defend you.
Tony: (squeaky voice, quiet) h- hey…
Satan: Ah. Tony. You’re a very good man. Working with the devil is always a great idea.
Simon: (to Hoopla) Is it?
Hoopla: Shh! This is for your own safety.
Tony: Okay, I’m going to need you guys to leave the room. Client confidentiality.
(Everyone but Tony and Satan leaves.)
Tony: Alright, let’s just get some things settled out.
Satan: Let’s make this quick.
Tony: So, full name?
Satan: Satan.
Tony: Haha I wish. I meant your full name.
Satan: It’s just Satan.
Tony: Well, that’s not gonna do well in court.
Satan: Uh, Satan the Devil? Lucifer?
Tony: Those… still aren’t full names.
Satan: Err… Lucifer Hades?
Tony: Do you know what a full name is? You know, first name, middle name, then last name?
Satan: (nervous) Uh, uh… FINE! I ADMIT IT! I’M NOT REALLY SATAN!
Tony: Wait, what?
Satan: I’M JUST A REALLY BIG RED FISH WHO ACTS LIKE SATAN BECAUSE OF MY SUPERIORITY COMPLEX! MY NAME IS ACTUALLY STAN!
Tony: Oh. So you’ve been posing as Satan this whole time in order to control everything?
Stan: Yes. I admit it all. Of course I’m not the real devil. A real god wouldn’t be here managing a company.
Tony: Well, this’ll be great for the case, if you admit it of course. By proving yourself to not actually be Satan himself, I might be able to prove you as being innocent.
Stan: Oh, what a relief. But… I’ve kept this disguise for so long. I don’t know if I can give it up.
Tony: You have to. Now, what’s your full name?
Stan: Stan Lucy Iffer. You can probably assume why I was inspired to become the devil.
Tony: I see. Well this'll be interesting.
(Cut to everyone in court; Stan, Tony, and Boopla are visibly anxious as they are sitting down in their seats)
Judge: ORDER IN THE COURT! ORDER ORDER! (bangs gavel several times)
Tony: (whispers) Is that what they always do to start a trial?
Boopla: (whispers) Probably.
Judge: Nah, I just really love banging this thing.
(The members of Simon’s charity take their seats in the jury)
Boopla: What the hell, you guys are the jury?! You can’t be the ones suing us while also being the jury! That’s unfair!
Jared: Ratio + cope + seethe.
Stan: I have a bad feeling about this.
Boopla: Relax bud, you’re Satan. They can’t arrest you. You can easily burn the whole prison down.
Stan: Haha I wish.
Tony: That’s my line!
Judge: The lawyers may take the stage.
(Tony walks up and sits down at his desk.)
Tony: Hmm… who’s the other lawyer?
(The doors at the back of the building burst open, a man walks down the aisle and takes his seat.)
Tony: So you’re the opposing force. What’s your name?
Saul Goldfish: MY NAME’S SAUL GOLDFISH!
Tony: Oh, that’s a clever pun. I get it.
Saul Goldfish: It is my legal name. Don’t offend my family name ever again.
Tony: Oh…
Saul Goldfish: (to the jury) I would like to say, thanks for having me here, it’s an honor. (to judge) Especially you, your honor. (winks)
Boopla: (groans) This will not be a fun experience…
Tony: I’ve never heard of you before.
Saul Goldfish: Really? Maybe you’ve heard of my catchphrase! BETTER CALL SAUL!
Boopla: Ooh, I have heard of that! It’s a really good catchphrase, Tony.
Tony: Well, um, I have a catchphrase too. It’s uh… Better Phoney Tony?
Saul Goldfish: Use that and I’ll sue you myself for copyright infringement.
Boopla: I thought your catchphrase was “Haha I wish”.
Tony: …I don’t think the judge would appreciate me using that.
Judge: Enough wasting time. The trial must begin. The court is now in session.
(A dramatic sting plays in the courtroom.)
Boopla: …wh- where’d that come from?
Saul Goldfish: Usually I’m the defense in these sorts of trials. But hey, money pays. I’m getting paid real good. The prosecution is ready.
Tony: The defense is ready.
Saul Goldfish: My clients are suing Boopla’s Rapping Company for working together with the devil himself, Mr. Satan.
Judge: Wait, you’re Boopla? From Boopla’s Rapping Company?
Saul Goldfish: Actually I’m Saul-
Boopla: Uh… yeah?
Judge: Oh my God! Wig! I’m such a big fan of your label, Mr. Boopla.
Boopla: …thank you?
Saul Goldfish: No bias. You should know yourself, your honor.
Judge: Oh- right. I’m just a little starstruck. So unprofessional of me, please continue.
Saul Goldfish: Anyway, this should be a pretty clear and cut case. Mr. Satan is literally the devil. Quite possibly the evilest person to ever exist. Who knows how many schemes could have been made with him and Boopla to screw over my clients!
Tony: (to Boopla, quietly) Did…you?
Boopla: Uhhhhh…
Saul Goldfish: If found guilty, which he will, Satan will be sent to the strongest prison cell in the world, and Boopla will have to pay a fine of $666,666,666 dollars. Which, I suspect, he doesn’t have. His company will fall to shambles, giving him what he rightfully deserves.
(The jury cheers)
Judge: I see. Do you have a witness to provide evidence of the so-called “schemes that screwed over clients”?
Saul Goldfish: Of course I do! You gotta think more of me.
(A witness takes the stand)
WITNESS TESTIMONY - 
Bubble Bass: Heyo, my name is Bubble Bass, hello all my adoring fans in the jury.
(silence)
Bubble Bass: Ahem. I am the most important witness for this case, only because I'm the only witness, but I thank you all anyway.
Saul Goldfish: Please, just start your testimony already.
Bubble Bass: Oh right. Well, a while back I applied for a job at Boopla’s Rapping Company because my stupid mom told me I needed one. But for some reason, Satan declined my request! I hadn’t done anything wrong! To make it worse, he then threw me down to Hell itself!
(audience gasp)
Bubble Bass: Oh, it was terrible, I came crawling back on my knees to my mother, who then put me in the timeout corner for months because of my failure. I was severely traumatized by this scenario. Oh what a shame! What a shame…
Judge: Is that all you have to say?
Bubble Bass: Yes it is. Let’s hurry along now, I wanna get back home to play video games.
CROSS-EXAMINATION - 
Judge: Please restate your testimony. Defense, you may examine any inconsistencies you notice.
Bubble Bass: Blah blah blah, job at Boopla’s Rapping Company, blah blah stupid mom, la la la Satan declined my request, lee lee lee, he then threw me down to Hell itself-
Tony: HOLD IT! Hell itself? You mean he took you down the literal Hell?
Bubble Bass: Yes, I couldn’t believe either, and I experienced it!
Tony: What did this “Hell” look like?
Bubble Bass: Um…it was…hot! And I hated it!
Tony: Was it actually, literally, the real deal Hell?
Bubble Bass: Er… well…I mean… you could call it that.
Tony: What was it?
Bubble Bass: Ugh! Fine! You’re so annoying! It was just the real world, alright! He just called it Hell because real life is hell! This is hell! I wanna go home!
Tony: Aha. So what Satan was calling Hell was simply another term to call the outside world. Did you really get declined for no reason?
Bubble Bass: Well… thinking back on it, I was really loud.
Tony: Your honor, it seems to me Bubble Bass was pestering and annoying Satan to get a job, and Satan simply kicked Bubble Bass out of the building, rightfully so.
Judge: Hm, that seems to make sense to me.
Saul Goldfish: HOLD IT! Can we really know for sure if he was pestering? My witness was purely in a silly goofy mood! That’s all it was, your honor!
Tony: (to audience) How many of you have been annoyed by Bubble Bass?
(Everyone raises their hand)
Tony: There you have it.
Bubble Bass: I rate this trial a 0/10. This is getting a terrible recommendation on the next episode of my review show. (leaves)
Saul Goldfish: Okay, sure, my witness was kicked out for a good reason and Satan was doing the right thing. But let’s not forget the fact that this is literally Satan! The devil himself! That nullifies anything! Do you know how much Satan is guilty of?! This is turning into a kangaroo court! It should be dismissed immediately! He’s guilty!
Tony: OBJECTION! 
(Everyone looks at Tony)
Tony: You say this man here is Satan… but are you so sure?
Boopla: (to Stan) What’s he talking about?
Stan: Just…(sigh) just watch.
Tony: The man you are accusing of being Satan is innocent! He’s not the real Satan! Do you really think the real Satan would be on this island, working?!
Saul Goldfish: Seriously? He looks just like Satan. …Well, I suppose he does look somewhat fishy. But your statement is fishy too!
Tony: Just you wait. I have evidence in the Court Record. (presents Stan’s ID and birth certificate) TAKE THAT!
Stan: I admit it. I’m not the real Satan. I just pretended to act like him to make me feel better about myself.
Boopla: My whole life is a lie…
Tony: Satan’s real name is Stan! Stan Lucy Iffer! Everything you said he was guilty of because he was the devil has now been dropped! All charges gone. Poof! He’s now an innocent man.
Saul Goldfish: Uh… uhm… so what if he’s not Satan! Y’know, he can do sketchy things even without being evil!
Tony: According to actual clients of Boopla’s company, not those charity members, Boopla has had zero track record of doing any schemes.
Judge: I admit, I see no reason to believe that Boopla has done anything wrong. I love his music, honestly. It truly speaks to me. I feel young again when listening to it.
Saul Goldfish: What about the jury? What do they think!
Tony: The jury are your clients! That’s completely illegal! You should be held for contempt of court!
Charity members: Uhh…we should probably get outta here. JURY NULLIFICATION! (they skedaddle)
Tony: You have no proper evidence to support your claims, Saul. Stan and Boopla are innocent.
Saul Goldfish: Drat! Man, the world these days is so unfair. Can’t a guy just win all his cases and make big bucks? Jeez…
Tony: I rest my case.
Judge: Well then. It seems to me the result of this trial is now clear as day. It certainly took a shocking turn of events, I must say. Mr. Iffer, you are hereby: NOT GUILTY.
(Boopla, Stan, and Tony all celebrate)
Tony: We did it! Woo-hoo! (calls Simon) 
Simon: Hello?
Tony: We won the case!
Simon: Really? Wow. Now that’s impressive.
Hoopla: (in the background) Oh thank god.
Simon: (to Hoopla) Aren’t you glad you had barely anything to do for once. 
Tony: Well, I gotta get going.
Simon: Me too. I’m gonna have to have a lengthy talk with my charity members. I’ll make sure none of this happens again.
(Simon hangs up)
Boopla: How should we celebrate?
Stan: How about you finally drop that new album you’ve been sitting on for two years?
Boopla: But it’s not done yet!
Stan: (sighs) Fine, you win. How about we have a fancy dinner at that local restaurant insead?
Tony: Seems good to me.
(The three of them walk together into the sunset as the episode ends)
…
Boopla: I’m just now remembering we left Alpooh in that closet. Should we…
Stan: Eh, whatever.
Boopla: Yeah.
(The episode actually ends.)
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