Love and Stuff

Love and Stuff is the third episode of Roommates. It aired February 14, 2021. 
== Synopsis ==
SquidClone and Squidward compete for the affection of their next door neighbor, Tina, but it goes off the rails when they get a little too competitive.
== Characters ==
* Squidward Tentacles
* SquidClone Tentacles
* Tina Luck
* Nat Peterson 
* Liquor Store Employee
* Tailor
* Candy Man
== Transcript ==
(Theme song “Stuck Together” plays; zoom in on Squidward and SquidClone at the local store)
Squidward: Hey SquidClone did you by chance grab that canned bread? I can’t get enough of that wonderful stuff.
SquidClone: Yeah, I got some. Hey Squidward can I buy a rose?
Squidward: Um sure what for?
SquidClone: It’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow and I wanted to ask that cute fish next door if she wanted to go on a date!
Squidward: With you?
SquidClone: Yeah!
Squidward: Pfffffft no way. Let me buy a rose.
SquidClone: for who?
Squidward: The fish next door.
SquidClone: You’re stealing my date?
Squidward: She’s not technically yours!
SquidClone: Wow okay. You’re paying for the groceries then!
Squidward: Wait what-
(SquidClone bolts)
Squidward: Whatever, I’ll show him how to properly get a date!
(Cut to SquidClone at a tailor’s)
SquidClone: Give me something blue.
Tailor: Like a dark blue?
SquidClone: Yes.
Tailor: I’ll see what I can find.
(The tailor comes out with a very fancy blue suit)
SquidClone: Alright let’s get this fit on!
(The tailor starts taking measurements; cut to Squidward at a candy store)
Squidward: Hey candy man what would you recommend I buy a girl for Valentine’s Day?
Employee: Uhhh chocolates?
Squidward: Okay cool thanks!
(Squidward buys some chocolates)
Squidward: With this rose and chocolates there’s no way she’ll say no to me even though I’ve never actually met her!
(Cut to SquidClone walking down the street to a liquor store)
SquidClone: I’ll take some of your finest wine please!
Liquor Store Employee: Yeah how old are you?
SquidClone: That’s a good question.
LSE: Can I see your ID?
SquidClone: Yeah but it’s outdated.
(The employee reads the ID, which says born 2/15/2132)
LSE: is this a joke?
SquidClone: What do you mean?
LSE: It’s 2021 but this card is from 2132.
SquidClone: It’s 2021?
LSE: Yeah? The year after 2020?
SquidClone: Oh silly me I thought it was 2019.
(SquidClone looks directly at the camera)
LSE: I’m not going to sell you this, you seem a little unstable.
SquidClone: A LITTLE?
(A security guard walks SquidClone outside; cut to Squidward walking down the street in a fancy suit for some reason)
Squidward: Ah yes, it’s a lovely day to be alive!
(Squidward bumps into Nat)
Nat: Oh hey Squidward!
Squidward: hi Nat
Nat: What’s with the fancy suit and the chocolates?
Squidward: I’m going to ask our neighbor on a date!
Nat: Oh okay! Good luck with that! Are you sure she’s single?
Squidward: Nope!
Nat: Have you talked to her before?
Squidward: Nope!
Nat: Squidward this all seems very irrational and that’s coming from the same guy who tried bowling with a watermelon once. (Whisper voice) it didn’t go well.
Squidward: Is that so? Well I don’t care, I’m in love and stuff Nat!
Nat: Really?
Squidward: Nat just go away.
(Nat sadly walks away; cut to SquidClone getting ready to go ask the girl on a date)
SquidClone: Getting ready, getting ready, this is gonna be so much fun!
(Squidward walks through the door)
SquidClone: AH!
Squidward: WHY ARE YOU SHIRTLESS!
SquidClone: I’M GETTING READY CAN’T A MAN HAVE A LITTLE PEACE?!
Squidward: No.
SquidClone: What’s your deal man? I just want to ask her on a date!
Squidward: So do I!
SquidClone: No you don’t!
Squidward: Yes I do!
SquidClone: What’s this really about?
Squidward: I just want to prove I’ve still got it.
SquidClone: What?
Squidward: I know it’s hard to believe but when I was younger, I was really good at talking to women. Now I’m not!
SquidClone: Oh Squidward that’s so sad!
Squidward: So you forgive me and you’ll let me ask her on a date?
SquidClone: No what you did is still pretty screwed up and I really like her so you need to just leave.
Squidward: Make me.
SquidClone: AHHHHHHH!
(SquidClone throws a plastic plate at Squidward)
Squidward: Did you just throw a kitchen plate at me?
SquidClone: No I didn’t mean-
(Squidward opens up the fridge)
Squidward: Dakara anata wa shi o eranda.
(Squidward throws a banana at SquidClone)
SquidClone: Oh it’s ON.
(SquidClone runs to the fridge and grabs out a tray of ice)
Squidward: You wouldn’t!
SquidClone: Oh, but I would. 
Squidward: Don’t you dare.
(SquidClone starts chucking ice cubes at Squidward)
Squidward: Oh. You’ve made a mistake.
(Squidward grabs ketchup and mustard)
SquidClone: Hey wait Squidward let’s just talk about this man!
Squidward: it’s too late for that.
(There’s a knock on the door)
Squidward: NOT NOW!
Unknown Female: Are you sure? I guess I’ll just go away.
SquidClone: WAIT THATS HER!
(SquidClone rushes to the door)
SquidClone: (opens door) oh my gosh hi! I was just about to come over.
(The girl blushes)
Girl: Really?
SquidClone: Yeah!
Girl: Well hi, I’m Tina. I’ve been meaning to introduce myself to you, but I thought it would be cool to do it today.
SquidClone: Same! Wait me specifically, not my look alike counterpart, Squidward?
Tina: Yep! You!
SquidClone: YAY! Wait I should get a shirt on.
Tina: Yeah probably. 
(Squidward’s mouth is just hanging open)
SquidClone: So are you from around here Tina?
Tina: Nope!
SquidClone: Me too, me too.
(The two walk out and Squidward falls over; a few minutes later Nat knocks on the door)
Nat: Hey Squidward how’d it go?
Squidward: SquidClone won.
Nat: Well hey we can always chill out here and eat pizza! Who needs women anyways?
(Squidward starts crying)
Nat: Ice cream? Canned bread?
Squidward: Okay sure to that last one.
Nat: AWESOME!
(Nat cracks open some canned bread; the camera pans to show SquidClone and Tina having a fancy dinner, then the screen fades to black and the episode ends)
== Trivia ==
* This is the first Roommates episode to air in the 2020s
** This is also the first Roommates episode to air after a 16 month hiatus
* This is the first episode to feature Tina Luck
* This was Purple133's first solo written transcript published in 2021
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