Glaze's Tree

This is the tale of fanon love between Queen Glacier and the god of ants, Alendor. Please note this is a very cursed crackshipping and all seriousness is a LIE.
== Prologue ==
The Anthill of Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Jr. thundered with the clicks of armed mandibles. But nobody could tell because ants are smol. From among the seething hordes of not-exactly-angry-but-not-happy-either ants came two dirt-sized bards who blew into dirt-sized trumpets that announced their astronomically tiny dictator. They parted to form a path for the approaching ant. The one with wings.
Queen Amber stepped into the foray, glowing in the majestic light of the McDonalds sign that somehow appeared.
She spread her insect wings and beat them, exploding towards the great metal statue. Wordless, the crowd watched, baring their mandibles. They were prepared for battle against their rival nation, the Anthill of Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Sr.
Queen Amber turned back towards the crowd. "May I have Antmaster the Unsubtle step forward for the Ceremony of Happy Magical Not-Exactly-Dying-But-Not-Living-Either?"
The ants nudged forward a terrified young Antington Antmaster of all Ant Estates Trademarked and Untrademarked Because I Don't Care the Unsubtle. Her dirt-sized body trembled in terror, but she knew what was to happen to her. She swallowed and took to the aisle. The Queen grew closer one step at a time.
As soon as Antmaster reached the high rock of ceremonies, the Queen's wings flew open, her legs latched onto her. She screeched, but so she wouldn't sound stupid, to the tune of the Pokemon theme song as she was dragged up into the air. She also did the sprinkler for no reason even though she was obviously going to die. Wait you didn't know that? HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW, YOU NEED TO PAY MORE ATTENTION. OKAY WHATEVER.
"I call upon the name of Lord Alendor," said Queen Amber, hovering over the rock. "For we are going to war tonight. The Hill of Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Sr. has become our nemesis. In time of war, help us!" She bit Turquoise on the forehead, and ant blood spilled out. It was sparkly and green like some random person's pet tree.
"In ice and maelstrom, and winter cold, we follow you, O Alendor," chanted the crowd.
With a final sweep of her wings, Amber shouted to the skies in elder Antspeak which was actually just a bunch of horrible gibberish she made up and dropped Turquoise, into the awaiting sacrificial pool of water.
"WAIT A MINUTE" she yelled. "WHO THREW THEIR APPLE JUICE IN THE SACRIFICIAL POOL?!"
Meanwhile, the sacrifice screamed, falling, and writhed in the pool. Soldiers rushed forward and held her down. Also their drank some of the apple juice water because they felt like it. Drawing her last breath, Turquoise looked sadly at her antmom in the mass of gathered dirt sized people and died.
== Chapter 1 ==
The armies clashed. Mandibles roared. Pathetic screams that sounded like lawn mowers exploding carried on the wind.
Alendor loved every minute of it.
The Ant God lowered his head from the 'Great Mystical Tree of Godliness Also Trademarked but Not By the Ant Estates' to gaze upon the anthills' war. The biggest anthills in Pyrrhia, at war. The toughest ants of the wild north, which were actually just in the middle of a happy rainbow snowy place with lots of flowers and adorable cats.
These were the Antcient races that lived in AntHillton in the Ice Kingdom, don't ask why the Ice Kingdom it's a long story. Alendor smiled at the leader of Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Sr. because he liked them more than Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Jr. and obviously it was because he liked the letter S more than the letter J. This smol leader of the Sr. hill was named ANThony ANTebellum. Alendor left a present under the tree by his hill and left to use the bathroom. Then he came back wearing a pair of underpANTs with ants on it to show how much he loved the Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Sr. clan 'cuz that was their flag.
He didn't really know who he wanted to win, but surely he didn't need to care. The ant affairs were not his. That didn't mean he couldn't watch, though. Plus he liked his new underpANTs, they were comfy and easy to wear.
Then he remembered he was favoring the Hill of Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Sr. After all, it was the largest, and the most developed for battle. He scuttled down the tree with his dragonet-size legs and took a closer look. The ants stopped mid-stance and stared at their supreme God which was really awkward and took five minutes because some chatty people in the back wouldn't shut up.
The royal ants were not quite as stunned. Several rose to the air to greet him, but the rest stared coldly, blankly, at their creator, because they were Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Jr. and they had killed their princess, Antington Antmaster of all Ant Estates Trademarked and Untrademarked Because I Don't Care the Unsubtle, just to win his favor and he was wearing their enemies' underpANTs.
Among the welcoming commitee were some of the older majesties of Alphabettafishsiristopchickenminty Sr. Alendor flicked his giant antennae in greeting. The greeting roughly translated to "Helidopters are rad because you can anagram it jk you can't fools." The ants then all hugged like BFFs.
The commoners began to slowly drift around in circles in the sky and rip off their arms. They parted the crowd to welcome their supreme being. Alendor's legs crossed the ground slowly. He raised his head to inspect every soldier.
"Today the kingdoms will fall," Alendor said, raising his sparkling ice-colored wings into the sunlight. "Because I used my predicty powers that I also lied to you about, I don't actually have them"
And that's when the dragon came.
== Chapter 2 ==
Queen Glacier stormed towards the forest angrily. She'd seen something the other day when she was taking a stroll, she was sure of it. She opened her wings and ascended, looking around for those bothersome anthills that were shooting rainbows up into plain sight right in front of her without seeing. The dragon behind her ran into her.
"Damian, at least TRY to be useful," she snapped. "Do you have the ant killing toilet plunger of death?"
"Yes, your Highness," said the clumsy IceWing. He fingered the bag of powder and totally radical weapon.
"Good. I don't want any disgusting pests on the Ice Kingdom premises!" She dove down towards the ANTi-boring forest at full speed, and the IceWing pair shot past a boulder.
Glacier threw out her talons to stop her from flying forward. As she scanned the area, she noticed some footprints in the snow. They glittered like Pac-Man who actually fell down a pit 30 years ago. She recalled that said pit was in her bedroom.
"WHAT ARE THESE?!" she snorted. Damian flew backwards, Queen Glacier's claws scratching at his face as she used him as a launching pad. Below the trees, something glimmered like scales and vanished.
"What was that?!" said the startled IceWing the queen had knocked to the ground.
"I'm going to find out." Then she posed dramatically and ran off.
== Chapter 3 ==
Thousands of angry insect eyes glowered at their god. "I THOUGHT YOU LOVED US SENPAI!"
Alendor's gaze shifted from his desparate people to a furious dragon practically raking through the trees like Wolverine. He turned briskly. "There is still something we can do. Hide in your hills, I have an ANTstounding plan." He lifted off into the air with a soft hum from his wings. The hum sounded like the Pokemon theme.
~~~
Glacier threw herself into the forest and slammed into a tree trunk like Donkey Kong. She roared and turned to the next one, tearing through the bark. Wood splintered under her talons. "STUPID ANTS!" she screeched. "I AM YOUR ANT-AGONIST" She turned around to whip her tail into a huge ant. It flew backwards to meet the ground with a deafening snap.
"I was ANT-icipating your puns," said the ant. "And they were not fANTabulous at all!"
Glacier almost puked. "WHAT THE THREE MOONS?!" She was almost tempted to kill the weird thing, but it was very disgusting to look at and even more disgusting to touch. She grabbed some of her ant killer and waved it over the monster's head. It was also annoying to her that he was besting her at all these puns.
~~~
Alendor groaned. The dragon had rammed him into the ground with her whip-thin tail. All was going according to plan, but his sides really did sting.
The Ant God grunted and zipped away into the pine forest, searching for the Great Mystical Tree of Godliness Also Trademarked but Not By the Ant Estates.
== Chapter 4 ==
Glacier took off after the weird antbeast. Her pouch of insect killer tucked neatly away, she dove towards the tallest tree in the Ice Kingdom, where the thing was headed, and plummeted---
---straight into a giant anthill. Tiny critters exploded everywhere, biting at and under the IceWing Queen's scales. "AAAAAARRRGHHH!" she screamed in G major. Alendor landed right beside her and watched gleefully.
"You're so tANTalizing, and I'm a romANTic guy. Are you an enchANTress, cuz baby I wanna dance," said the God of the Ants, in a creepy, charming draconian voice that sounded like someone ramming an airplane into a six story building.
"Why should I?" roared Glacier. "They're just a couple of--- OW!--- fire ants!"
"Fire ants, melting your icy heart," flirted Alendor. "BEWARE THE FROZEN HEART!" Then he slapped himself for quoting a movie he hated.
"SHUT UP"
"You don't understand what you have done," laughed Alendor. "You have crushed an anthill."
"SO?! CAN'T I EXTERMINATE PESTS?!"
"If you destroy an anthill," the Supreme Ant said, "then you will doom the world. And I am afraid you have destroyed an anthill." He tapped his legs on her shoulders. "Actually, I'm not afraid. I don't even care."
Glacier blew a frosty breath at him in warning. "Prove you can actually..." Suddenly, all the ants flew off of her shoulder and disappeared into an anthill she hadn't run over yet. The ant thing flicked his antennae at her.
"Submit to me an offering, or else the world will explode. Oh wait that sounds really fun, you think you can keep up with this?" He swung his hips which were still wearing the underpANTs.
"SHUT UP"
== Chapter 5 ==
Queen Glacier thought desperately. She was a Queen. Of course she had a lot to offer.
That's what he wants, she thought in worry. The throne.
"I could never want to rule dragons, they're so boring, they don't even LIVE in the same dimension as most of the ant kingdoms and all they ever do is fight over power. WE fight because we feel like aging in reverse and etc." scoffed the ant. "Don't be ridiculous. But to marry a Queen... hmmm... and plus you breathe ice right, that is really sparkly, no wonder you hate ants so much, it's cuz we're sparklier than you huh?"
"Okay then! I'll make you a deal!" the IceWing snarled. "If I marry you, will the world not explode? AND WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE"
"Correct," Alendor churred. "And you get a free discount shopping at Antington's house, oh wait she died in the prologue, never mind"
Glacier flicked her tongue in disgust. "Then I guess we have a wedding to arrange."
"I was expectANT of that answer."
"SHUT. UP."
== Chapter 6 ==
One year later....
Glacier gasped for air.
"Oh, my sweet," smirked Alendor, holding a bouquet of ants, "is it a boy, or a girl?"
Glacier screamed, both in agony and outrage, and finally produced triple silver-flecked eggs, each covered in strange hair and dark chestnut coloration in the center. Glacier looked at them in disgust.
"Hairy baby," said a white robot that fell out of another dimension and then disappeared
"WHY WOULD YOU WANT THIS?!" she screamed. "YOU AWFUL, SICK CREATURE!" She shoved the ant.
"Well the world shall not explode now," Alendor said rather plainly.
"I DON'T WANT TO WALK AROUND WITH ANT BABIES! THIS IS JUST WRONG!"
"You don't have to," replied Alendor, smirking even more. "I can bring them with me."
"That was your PLAN?!" Glacier snapped, her teeth looking like chainsaws. Everyone turned pink for a brief twenty seconds.
"Well, also to save the ants but that failed miserably so pretend I never tried."
Glacier roared, and brought a talon down to smash one of the three eggs. It blew up and caught on fire and rolled out of the window, going splat on one of the guards below. She slithered towards the Ant God furiously. "GET OUT OF HERE NOW."
Alendor's smile grew. "As you wish," he said, and he scooped up the half-dragon, half-ant eggs. "If you need me, I'll be somewhere over the rainbow."
== Chapter 7 ==
Alendor sat beside the cracking eggs. He took a step back to admire the little wet heads peeping out. He picked them both up, one by one, as they fell out clumsily. Both were beautiful in his eyes. Then he shoved them up his eyeballs. And they turned super beautiful.
"You are Aldwyn," he said to the little female. She chirped and looked at her brother, who was trying to get a wet eggshell off his wings. "And you are Alder," added Alendor. He removed two IceWing scales from behind his back. "Your mother would have loved you, if it weren't for me," he sighed. "NAW JUST KIDDIN KIDDOS, UR UGLY. I should never have forced her to marry me. It was just a deranged plan to get heirs. Cuz I love me some ugly kids, I can sell them like those caveman house billboards" He took some black thread and wound the IceWing scales into two oversized necklaces. The young demigods just chewed on them curiously.
"It doesn't matter to me if you're a dragon or an ant," he said to his children. "Because you're tolerANT of me."
Then his eyeballs burst open and grew back, the children came out and they all lived happily ever after.
== Chapter 8 ==
Glacier looked out her window at the rising sun. She remembered that fateful morning two seasons ago when all she was trying to do was exterminate some anthills. She sighed and pressed a talon to her forehead.
I am never playing games with ants again. She swept from the palace balcony and shook her head. "Damian," she said to a cringing palace guard, "never speak of this to anyone or I shall have your head." Then she smiled sweetly and trudged back down the stairway, not noticing the single flower on the ground below.
The raw umber tulip, consisting entirely of ants.
Category:Fanfictions
Category:Fanfictions (Fanon)
Category:Fanfictions (Completed)
Category:Content (FourFlames)