All 20.2 - Scared of Myself

The Gunakadeit jetted swiftly and smoothly through the ocean along the southern coast of Akroum. It was a day and a half since the dark events of Ursialla in the valley of the Vilkas Mountains, and the mood on the boat was varied; no one turned into a wolf during the night, so a collective sigh of relief was heard across the boat. Lucca had been keeping himself very withdrawn since boarding, staying for the most part in the bunk room, ignoring Cress and even shooing Virgil moodily away. It was then as he lay in bed, hidden under a pile of blankets, when Victor walked in. He sat down on the bed adjacent to him, looking towards Lucca for a moment before turning away. He sat quietly for a moment, before asking gently, distantly, "...Do I frighten you?"
There were a few beats of silence before a muffled reply came from the pile of blankets. "What?" Popping his head out of his cocoon, Lucca looked at the other man searchingly for a second before answering softly, "You? No. No, of course not."
"Why not?"
Confusion tinged his expression, and his words came a bit hesitantly, "...Why should you? You're...you're you...and I'm...me...and..." he trailed off, a sharp, almost aching look in his eyes as he looked away, his voice a whisper as he finished, "...I'm not afraid of you. Never."
Victor continued to stare off into the distance as he replied, "It's alright, if you are. Everyone else is. Well, possibly not the girl Clover, not yet, anyways. Virgil...I suppose would be an exception, being raised by me. I would assume a child would have a different view of its parents than others." He paused slightly, "They are right, to fear me. I am an ill-contained monster, checked only by my reason and a spell. ...Perhaps you should be."
"Victor, stop it," Lucca said sternly and fixed him with a slightly hard look, sitting halfway up as he continued. "I don't give the faintest fuck if everyone else is; I am not, and I will not be, I don't care what you say. If you're a monster you're no more of one than I am, and I am not afraid of you." His tone was almost defiant as he finished, his expression a bit pained, "I'm scared for you...and for the work I've got ahead of me...but not of you. Never."
"Then why have you been hiding?" He did not move, nor look over.
There was a long silence before he replied, "I've got a lot of thinking to do..." after a pause, he added, his voice barely more than a whisper, "...and...I'm...pretty upset..." he finished weakly, squeezing his eyes tightly shut and turning away once more. He added quickly,  "Not with you...not at all...just...with what happened." Opening his eyes once more, his eyes fell on the magnificent axe, lying in the corner where it had been tossed unceremoniously days before. With a look of bitterness, he muttered, "Piece of shit wasn't halfway worth what happened to..." he trailed off, shaking his head and closed his eyes once more. After a second he murmered, his voice tight "...I'm so sorry..."
As Lucca apologized, Victor sighed, suddenly looking very sad. The look evaporated as he stood up and moved to kneel by Lucca's bed. "Why be sorry for me?" he asked, his tone gentle again, "We knew that these things happen, we've seen them before. Whatever this curse is, it's not half as invasive as Ryuji's, and he's gotten by fine. I know this is hard for you, I know you have an adversion to dogs, and..." he stopped himself, biting his lip slightly, looking pained again. "You have nothing to be sorry for, either to or for me," he said instead.  
The druid clenched his jaw as Victor finished, shaking his head silently. After a moment he opened his eyes and said almost angrily, "Fuck my aversion to dogs. I'm a fucking ascended druid and there are people I care about depending on me; it's beyond high time I manned up and got over that bullshit. And I will. I will." He turned to look at him, continuing almost defiantly, his hands and voice both beginning to quake slightly as he spoke, "I'm gonna do everything in my power to figure out how to fix this. And until then I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make sure nothing happens to you...or to any of the others, so long as we're all together. And...and if it turns out to be like Ryu's curse and I can't fix it..." he swallowed hard, "...then...then...I'll keep doing that...for always...I swear..."
Victor made a small grin, "Is that really all you're worried about? That something will happen to us?" He put his hand on Lucca's to calm its shaking. "Nothing will happen to us. Nothing will happen to me. I won't let anything happen to me." He dropped his eyes as he said, more quietly, "...That's what concerns me." Turning back, he continued, "This isn't your responsibility any more than anyone else's. It was the three of us who walked into their trap blithely, and none of us had any idea what was in those mountains, even less than when we went to the tundra with Ryuji. Don't feel like this is your burden, or at least your burden alone."
"It is my responsiblity. It is. I'm a druid." He pursed his lips tightly for a second, his gaze fixed on the other man, "You guys turned into wolves. And it's gonna keep happening. And you need someone to look after you guys when you're like that...to make sure nothing happens to you, and that you don't happen to anybody. Because wolves don't know any better." he took a deep, shuddering breath, "And I can do that. I can. I did do that, once I got there. And I'll keep doing that and it is my responsibility and it's scary as fuck but I can do it and I want to do it and I will do it!" His words came in an impassioned rush, almost tumbling over each other as he spoke, his eyes starting to glisten. Squeezing them tightly shut, he turned away once more and added softly, "I am going to do this. I am."
"Of course," Victor said softly. "Of course you are. You have every ability, and if that's what you decide, that's what will be." He made to stand once more, "I'm sorry that circumstances forced this on you." His gaze was still downcast as he stood. Closing his eyes and inhaling, his expression shifted and became more serious, and slightly hard. "I think that that weapon looks like an exceptional specimen, and you should use it well and wisely. Don't begrudge it because of the ill events that surrounded its collection. I'm sure it will be of great use in stopping the All, and in getting through the trials that we'll face between then and now."
"Still not halfway worth the price we paid, I don't care what anyone says." Lucca growled, scrubbing roughly at his eyes with the back of his hand, "But don't you fucking worry, I'll put that fucker to good use. To do anything else would be a waste, and that would make it all that much worse." Looking up at the older man, he set his jaw and asserted, "The only reason we went up that piece of shit mountain was because of those 'All' sons-of-bitches; if it wasn't for them, none of this would have happened. So they're the ones who are going to pay for it, tenfold if I have any say. Add it to the list of shit they've done. I'm gonna take them to pieces with that fucking axe, for this, and for all the other grief they've caused."
Victor gave a small, cold smile. "They will certainly pay." He bowed his head slightly, "Please don't cause yourself grief." With that, he turned to leave. 
"Wait...don't go." Lucca called after him. Victor paused and looked back, face expectant. Finally un-cocooning himself, he scooted to sit at the edge of the bed, continuing, "Come back, talk to me. I know you've been doing that thing you do...you really think I'm gonna just let you go?"
"I'm fine, you have more than enough to handle without having to worry for me as well," he replied. "Don't concern yourself with imagined troubles."
"Don't give me that. You are not." Lucca shot back with a look that managed to be gentle and stern at the same time, "And I'll worry either way, so you might as well spill. Please?"
Victor turned fully and looked at Lucca for what felt like a long time. His gaze was neutral, with a distant, almost emotionless quality. Eventually, he replied, almost flatly, "I want nothing more than to protect you and Virgil and the world. I fear that I am unable to protect anything from myself. I am not the sort of person that should lack reason, because I will destroy things in my wake. It's why I fear what I am underneath the spell, because I don't know what reason I possess. If I turn into an animal, I lack the reason I need to not murder, not destroy and not take everything that I consider rightfully mine. And everything. Everything. Is. Mine. Nothing can be outside of my control or possession. I know this at all times, and without reason telling me that it is not the case, that is what is true. So without reason I am the worst sort of animal. I do not recollect who or how many I killed that night, only that there were beings that defied me and had to be dealt with. I had no excuse to kill those people, afflicted people who may have done no crime or had any ill-will, but without reason I have no regret nor fear nor hesitation. Only desire. And I fear what I could do to people, or worse, to you or Virgil, if something should come to pass in that, or any other, state." He tilted his head slightly to the side, affect still cold, "But by the very nature of the issue, I cannot control myself. I cannot help what I do. So we are all, myself included, at the mercy of my whims. I will not place worries about this on you, as you have far more than enough to concern you already. I will not dwell on it either, because as you've said, it will only worry you more, and would defeat the purpose." He straightened again, "There is really nothing more to it."
A soft, sad look came came over the druid's countenance as he listened. He was silent for a few beats before saying quietly, "You're an idiot sometimes, old man...that isn't more worries for me, just another part of what I've already been thinking about." He paused with a soft sigh, then said gently, "You won't hurt us, Virgil and I. You turn into a wolf, not a senseless monster...you might not have your usual reason, but you're not without reason altogether; no animal is just a killing machine, you aren't an exception. You can't be controlled, but you never can be... you can certainly still be influenced though. It's not even that hard, really..." he shook his head, "I'm babbling a bit; now's probably not the time for it...my point is, you wont hurt us...and you're not alone with this. I've got your back, like always. That's what I've been trying to say, this whole time."
Victor continued to look at him with an air of dispassion. He stood silently, and his expression was cold and vaguely considering. "...it's less the wolf I worry about..." he said quietly and without substance. He stood a moment more, as though he was thinking of things that were of philosophic interest, without hurry, without emotion. "If I do hurt you, it is without intention," he said finally, stated plainly.
"I know. But you won't." Lucca replied firmly. A faint tinge of disquiet began creeping into his expression at the other man's strange demeanour. After a moment, he asked, "...if it's not the wolf that worries you, what is it?"
He blinked, as though the question was somewhat odd. "Myself," he replied.
A strange mixture of disappointment and frustration momentarily crossed his face, leaving sadness in their wake, "Victor..." heaving a sigh, he rubbed at his face and gave a small shake of his head, but didn't say anything more.
A twinge of a frown tilted Victor's lips, but passed as he spoke, "Don't concern yourself with it. It's nothing to be helped, and nothing that will interfere. Now, come, we should do something else. We've dwelled enough on it." He held out a hand.
Lucca regarded him for a long moment with a look of pained sadness before closing his eyes and silently taking his hand with a tight squeeze.
"Do not be sad. Do not worry. There's no reason for either," he said. "We have weathered worse, and more is yet to come. Everything will be resolved, because we will fix it." He helped Lucca to his feet and looked at him for a second before heading towards the door.
The druid watched him with an odd, almost nervous look and made no move to follow as he turned to leave. As he reached the door, Victor felt a hand on his arm. As he turned at the touch, Lucca caught him by the front of his jacket and pulled him roughly into a tight, somewhat awkward hug, muttering, "You can be such a fucking moron sometimes, old man."
Catching Victor off-guard, he mumbled, "What...?" but questioned no further. Equally awkwardly at first, Victor returned the embrace, body and limbs stiff. After a few seconds, Lucca could feel him sigh, like letting go of a breath he had been holding, and the taller man loosened, gathering Lucca tighter and leaning his face into the top of Lucca's hair. 
At this, Lucca just squeezed him tighter, curling his fingers into the fabric of Victor's clothes, his voice muffled as he murmered, "You heard me. The fuck do you think you're doing, acting like that?"
"I don't want to cause you more grief," he softly replied through Lucca's hair. "And it's easier to move forward, sometimes, by...not feeling."
"Moron." He reiterated, shaking his head very slightly, "Don't do that to yourself. Please. It ain't good. Especially don't do it for my sake..."
"...I'll try," he said eventually. 
"Thank you. That's all I ask..."
"Well, it's not exactly much to ask for, so it's the least I can do."
The druid simply nodded with a soft, affirmative sound and closed his eyes.
Category:Advent of the All