Horrible Bosses/Transcript

I get to work before the sun comes up
and I leave long after it's gone down.
I haven't had sex in six months
with someone other than myself.
And the only thing in my refrigerator
is an old lime.
Could be a kiwi. No way to tell.
- Morning, Thomas.
- Good morning, Nick. You better hurry.
But here's the thing:
This is just temporary.
Quick story:
My grandmother came to this country
with $20 in her pocket.
She worked hard her whole life
and never took shit from anyone.
When she died, she had
turned that $20 into $2000.
That sucks.
You know why she didn't succeed?
Because she didn't take shit
from anyone.
The key to success--
They will not teach you this
in business school. --is taking shit.
That's what I've been doing the last
eight years, and it's all about to pay off.
This is Nick.
I'm this close to getting a big promotion
with my own office.
I'll be right there, Mr. Harken.
Then all the endless hours,
and the sacrifice and the shit-eating...
...will have been worth it.
See, this is what concerns me, Nick.
You're a punctual guy. You know
the importance of being here right at 6 a.m.
Which is what leads me to think that...
...there must be something wrong
with the clock on our system.
May have been a minute late.
But according to this, you were
two minutes late. So either you're a liar...
...or this system is off by a full minute.
The only hitch?
I work for this guy, David Harken...
...who right now is giving me some
fresh shit for being two minutes late.
He's a total fucking asshole.
If that's the case, I'm gonna have to fire
Thomas, our longtime security coordinator.
- I may have been two minutes late.
- Oh.
Well, then you were lying.
No. I-- Who you calling?
- Thomas. I gotta let him go.
- No, uh--
- I was lying. Sorry.
- Lying?
I didn't mean to. It was more of a saying.
"Might have been a minute late."
Literally, uh, truthfully,
was two minutes late.
Boy, I have to get used to driving
with this big, heavy ring on my finger.
- Come on.
- I keep swerving to the left, babe.
When I was a kid, people would
ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up.
I always gave the same answer.
I love you so much.
I love you too.
I wanted to be a husband.
- I will call you when I'm done.
- Have a good day.
I know that sounds weird.
Most boys wanna be firehouse chiefs
or personal trainers...
...but to me being a husband
was, like, the highest calling.
And thanks to Stacy...
...that dream's about to come true.
Unfortunately, no one's gonna pay you
to be a husband unless you marry Oprah.
So I had to find a job.
Now, I always admired dentists.
They're smart, they're capable,
they keep your teeth healthy.
So I went out and I became one.
- How are you today, Dale?
- I'm fine. Thanks.
Excavator.
Okay, I became a dental assistant.
It's basically the same thing.
I just make a lot less money.
Did you ever see that show Gossip Girl?
- No.
- Ooh.
I watched an episode last night.
I fingered myself so hard to that
Penn Badgley guy, I broke a nail.
And it would have been
the perfect job. If not for one...
...evil crazy bitch, D.D.S.
I bet you're no shrimp in
the cock department, huh, there, Dale?
- Okay, Julia. Come on.
- What?
- I'm uncomfortable talking about that.
- Oh, Dale, come on.
You know that I like to fool around.
- Oops.
- Mr. Anderton.
Not in the office. This is bad.
- Bad, bad, bad!
- You probably shouldn't hit the patients.
Ah, I love this. So festive.
I love my job.
If you ask me, anyone who hates their job
has no one to blame but themselves.
We make our own destinies,
and I've made a sweet one.
We have stairs.
You don't need to bring your own.
I'm an account manager at a chemical
company. I'll tell you, the job has its perks.
Hi, can I help you?
He's just signing for these packages.
Thank you.
Oh, no. I should do this.
Reggie, I got this. Thank you, buddy.
- This is high-priority stuff here.
- Thank you.
- So, what's going on here?
- I'm sorry?
- Is this one of those hidden camera shows?
- What do you mean?
You're way too cute
to be just a FedEx girl.
You gotta be a model or actress
or something, right?
What happens when I open these?
Something'll jump out, bite my penis?
No. Nothing's gonna jump out.
I'm just a FedEx girl.
- Shut up.
- Ha, ha.
- Bye.
- Have a great afternoon.
Thank you.
I didn't sign that form, by the way,
so she has to come back.
She's cute, huh, Reg?
- Caught another fly in your web, did you?
- Ha, ha. Hey, Jack.
But the real reason I'm here is this guy:
Jack Pellit, my boss.
The sweetest man I know.
He loves me and I love him.
Everybody loves him.
- You all right, Margie?
- Hi, Mr. Pellit. Kurt.
I've been waiting to get in there
for a while.
- Who's in there?
- It's your son.
Bobby!
Margie's waiting.
You nearly done in there?
A man can't get any privacy around here.
- Okay, Margie. Bobby?
- What?
Your stomach okay? You seem
to spend more time on the toilet...
...than at your desk.
I didn't realize I had to tell you
every time I wanna take a dump.
If the worst thing about this job
is having to tolerate my boss's...
...dipshit cokehead son,
well, it's a small price to pay.
Need me to tell you when I pee-pee?
I'm just trying to get you to do
your part, son. It's not easy times.
I do my part. I do other people's parts.
But it doesn't matter to you. You just
wanna ride my ass because I'm your son.
You know what? I don't hear you
giving dickskin any shit.
- "Dickskin"? Nice.
- Kiss-ass.
- Come on, come on.
- Yeah, go on. In you go.
- Go on, gay boy.
- I'm not gay.
Please, I've seen gay boys.
You're one of them.
- Where'd you see them?
- At your house. Get in!
- I'm a green belt, motherfucker.
- What?
- Yeah. All right?
- Okay.
Now, I know you've been working
your tail off for that promotion.
But I'm not sure I can even consider...
...making you the Senior Vice President
of Sales...
...if I can't trust you.
- You can trust me.
- Yeah, now you sound like my wife.
"Trust me. You can trust me, honey.
Nothing's happening behind your back.
Trust me."
Meanwhile, she's fucking
every guy in the neighborhood.
Oh, you want one?
It's 8:15 a.m.
Well, is there something wrong with
a man enjoying a drink in the morning?
No.
Thank you. Sure, thanks.
Bottoms up.
Nothing for you?
Nick, it's 8:15 in the morning.
I'm not an alcoholic.
The only reason I took one,
I thought you were gonna have one.
You took one because you thought I was?
Is that something a Senior VP would do?
I was just trying to be polite.
So if I, uh, was gonna put my balls
in honey and shaved coconut...
...you'd do that too?
- I would not.
- Sure?
- Yeah.
- Because I've got some coconut.
I'm having my teeth whitened Tuesday. You
have to get your work done by Monday...
...which means you'll probably
be here all weekend.
Look, if you want a promotion,
you gotta earn it.
Now, what do I keep saying?
Life is a marathon,
and you cannot win a marathon...
...without putting a few Band-Aids
on your nipples, right?
Right.
Nick.
It's 18-year-old Scotch.
You don't really expect me to
pour it back into the bottle, do you?
- Water.
- Yep.
All right. Let's see if this thing's working.
Oh!
- Oh, my God.
- Oh! I'm sorry. I'm a squirter, Dale.
- Oh, you know what?
- What?
Ah. I think I can make out
our little friend right there.
Stop it.
- Somebody's circumcised.
- Okay.
- Listen.
- What?
- Can we stop doing this thing here?
- Why? Because you have a girlfriend?
She's not just my girlfriend anymore.
We're engaged now.
- What?
- We're engaged.
You said that she was
just a hole for your dick.
I never said that.
Not really my style.
Shut up.
That's a lot of gas.
- That's good. No, those are great ideas.
- Yeah?
- Put them down on paper, will you?
- Will do.
- You're happy here, aren't you?
- Yeah, of course.
Good.
You got a bright future here,
you know?
Someday soon,
it'll be you running this place.
- See you, kid.
- All right, now.
- Drive safe.
- Yeah.
Oh, shit.
He had a heart attack.
They said his, uh, heart burst in his chest
like a water balloon.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry, man.
I know you guys were close.
Yeah. Yeah, I loved that guy.
I loved working for him, you know?
It was, like, awesome.
Now his shitbag son's
gonna be in charge and it's like--
The cokehead?
Yeah. Know how many times
I caught him doing blow at work?
This thing's a real bummer. Sorry. You're
the only one of us who didn't hate his job.
Did I tell you that Harken tricked me
into having a drink at 8:00 this morning?
I mean, I work for the Antichrist.
- How did he trick you?
- I thought he was giving you a promotion.
He is, definitely.
That's why he's being extra evil.
This is his last chance
to make my life miserable.
Right. At least your boss
isn't sexually harassing you.
- God. Here we go.
- Don't give me shit.
You won't get sympathy for this.
She's going crazy. It's like a totally
hostile work environment now, man.
- It's not funny.
- Yeah?
All right, today she starts spraying water
at my crotch to see the outline of my dick.
- That's great.
- It's not great.
What are you talking about?
Why don't you just, you know, fuck her?
Because I am engaged to be married
and I love my fiancée, okay?
That's true.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
What about getting
a different dental hygienist job?
I can't get another job.
- No, he's a child molester, Nick.
- No, uh, deviant. Sexual deviant?
What is it? How do they classify it?
Sex offender.
I'm on the registered
sex offender list, yes.
You can't get that expunged? All you did
was pull your dick out on a playground.
I was taking a piss at night,
there were no kids.
All right, you know what? You don't
put a playground right next to a bar.
- It's entrapment.
- Mm-hm.
Speaking of entrapment, I'm gonna go
see that girl about her vagina.
Excuse me.
He did say 10:00, right?
- Yeah. Do you know what this is about?
- It just said "staff meeting" on the memo.
It's funny how he gets all over my ass if I'm
a minute late, but then he makes us wait 15.
- You were two minutes late.
- Morning.
Didn't think I had to punch a clock
with you.
I'll just attribute this
to your drinking problem.
- I don't have--
- Please, we're in the middle of a meeting.
Morning, everyone.
So I have finally decided...
...who I want to be our new
Senior Vice President of Sales.
He's right here in this room.
- It's me.
- What'd he say?
I've decided to absorb
the responsibilities...
...of the Senior VP position
into my own.
I've realized if you wanna get something
done right, you gotta do it yourself.
I'll break through the wall of the office
that would have been the Senior VP's...
...and make one huge enormous office.
However, I will only be taking 85 percent
of the additional salary I am entitled to...
...and that is self-sacrifice, people.
Learn from it.
Fucker!
You fucking son of a bitch!
You are so fucking fired!
Yeah!
So, meeting adjourned.
- Can I speak to you?
- Sure, what is it?
For months you've been hinting
I was in line for that promotion.
And look how hard you've been working.
- You were just lying to me?
- Lying?
No, Nick, motivating.
I mean, look, we're all
part of the same team here.
Plus, you know, I'm the one
who's gonna be doing all the extra work.
You know last month
you made me work so late...
...I missed saying goodbye
to my Gam Gam?
- Sorry, what?
- My grandmother.
I told you I needed to see her
because she was very sick.
You said if I left early, I'd get fired.
And she died
before I made it to the hospital.
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
I had no idea that you called
your grandmother "Gam Gam."
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you didn't get to
say bye-bye to Gam Gam.
Really, I really am. I'm sorry.
But I needed you to work late because you
are an invaluable member of this operation.
And I need you in the position you're in.
Well, tough shit, okay?
Been in that position for eight years. Why
would I stay after being treated like this?
Well, because I'd make sure that nobody
in the industry would ever hire you again.
Bullshit.
No, because they're gonna want
my letter of recommendation, right?
So I'm perfectly willing to write that
you are an insubordinate, dishonest drunk.
You can't do that. That's not true.
Let me tell you something,
you stupid little runt.
I own you.
You're my bitch.
Don't walk around thinking
you have free will because you don't.
I can crush you any time I want.
So settle in because you are here
for the long haul.
Yo, dickwall.
- What the fuck?
- What?
Three hours late. What's the deal?
- I was at your father's funeral.
- Uh-huh. Mm-hm.
Maybe that excuse would have flown when
my dad was here, but I'm in charge now.
That excuse wouldn't make any sense
if your dad was still here.
Whoa.
In my office, now.
Yes?
All right, sit.
- I'm not a dog, Bobby.
- Good boy.
I've been looking through the books.
You're the accountant. Tell me...
- ...why is this company in the crapper?
- Well, we're not.
- It's a recession, but we're still profitable.
- Bullshit.
Look, I know you and my dad
were pals.
Frankly, I always thought
it was, uh, weird, it was gay.
- Do you know what that word means?
- Yeah, it's dick on dick.
It ain't my bag.
I thought it was a little bit weird...
...that my dad thought
you were so fucking special.
But that doesn't matter now,
he's in the ground.
I'm your boss. And there's gonna be
some changes around here.
- Can't wait to hear them.
- First things first.
Hospital bills, Larry Murinsky.
Why the fuck are we paying his hospital
bills, he doesn't even work here?
He doesn't work here because he had
a horrible accident in our warehouse.
- All right? The guy burned off half his face.
- Exactly.
I don't want my money
going to support monsters.
He's not a monster. He's a great guy
who worked for us for many, many years.
Cut him off. Second.
EnviroTech Waste Management.
It's costing us a lot of money.
Your dad chose to dispose
of our waste responsibly.
To do that, you gotta spend money.
Fuck that. The Bolivians are gonna do it
for a third of the price.
- I'm gonna hire them.
- No, you can't go to them.
I will. I think I will.
They're gonna endanger
local residents.
Oh, I give a fuck some tribesman
gets cancer. Cry me a fucking river.
They're not tribesmen.
It's a modern society.
Do I look like I fucking care?
Your dad told me very clearly
he would rather die...
...than save money
and hurt people, okay?
Well, guess what, looks like
we're right on schedule, doesn't it?
What else? Gotta trim
some of the fat around here.
What do you mean by "trim the fat"?
- I want you to fire the fat people.
- What?
They're lazy, and slow
and they make me sad to look at.
You can start with Large Marge.
Marge, can you come in here, please?
No, Margie's not fat, she's pregnant.
I'm not gonna fire her.
Well, fine. Uh...
...stay where you are, Marge.
Congratulations.
- You can fire, uh, Professor Xavier.
- Who are you talking about?
- You mean Hank?
- Yeah.
He creeps me out, rolling around
all day in his special secret chair.
- He's up to something.
- I won't fire anyone.
- You're not? Oh, really?
- Yeah, really.
It's like you don't care
about this company at all.
No fucking shit I don't care about
this company. This is just an ATM to me.
You think when I was a kid I dreamed
of running a fucking chemical company?
No. I dreamed of being on a beach
with a model serving me tropical drinks.
That's what I dreamed of.
That's what's gonna happen...
...as soon as I squeeze the profit out
of this company. But first things first.
You either fire the fatty or you
fire the cripple, or I fire all three of you.
Decision is yours. You can phone a friend,
ask the audience, fifty-fifty.
Do the math.
One loses the job or three loses it.
Your call.
I think I know who you're gonna fire.
And tell him to leave his handicap
parking pass when he leaves.
You can't take that.
It's issued by the state, Bobby.
Well, this is--
You're looking at the state.
The State of Bobbyville.
- Okay? Deal with it.
- That would be a town, Bobby.
United States of Me.
- Okay, there we go.
- It's all here.
- Hey, Hank, how you doing, man?
- Good, what's up?
Um....
We're going through a real tough time...
...financially and....
We're gonna have to let you go.
Shit.
- I'm sorry.
- Everyone.
Uh, can I have your attention, please?
I have an announcement to make.
I've just learned that Kurt
has fired our dear friend Hank here.
I just want you all to know that I am just
as shocked and angered as you all are.
- What are you doing?
- Please.
Enough out of you already today.
My dad...
...on the day of his funeral.
This is an accounting department decision.
My hands are tied.
I'm sorry. You are one cold,
heartless bastard, Buckman.
- Hank, this wasn't my idea.
- Fuck you, Kurt.
Come in.
Julia, you needed to see me? Oh, shit.
Uh-oh.
- Will you have a seat, Dale?
- Do I have to?
Please.
Sure.
This is a little ridiculous, but--
Look, Dale, you know, I know that
I like to fool around at work. Right?
And I might even-- You know,
I might even cross the line a bit.
But the last thing that I wanna do
is make you uncomfortable.
I mean, it's just not professional.
You know?
And I pride myself
on being a professional.
So from now on, what I would like you
to do is just tell me, you know...
...when and if, uh, I cross the line. Okay?
Okay. Now.
What?
Well, now,
you're kind of crossing a line...
...because you're naked.
Uh....
Not naked, Dale.
- Can you see my pussy?
- Hmm.
True. Um....
But I think, uh, even really
saying the word "pussy" is--
- That's crossing the line?
- Little bit.
You're starting to sound like
a little faggot.
There we go. That one's another one,
probably illegal thing to say too.
Okay. Let's not talk about illegal,
Mr. I-Like-To-Pee-On-Little-Boys.
It was an empty playground
in the middle of the night.
Ah. That's weirder. Poor child
must have been terrified.
There were no children. No kids in the park.
Why do people think that?
You know what? Forget it. Listen,
let's just cut to the chase, all right, mister?
- You're engaged now.
- Right.
And I respect the institution of
marriage way too much to violate it.
So that's why you're gonna have to
fuck me well before the wedding.
Because the closer we get to this date,
the less ladylike I'm gonna feel about it.
Julia, I'm not gonna sleep with you.
We'll see about that.
Get out.
Could you do the, uh...?
I'm a sucker.
Harken wasn't gonna promote me.
That coked-up prick
is gonna ruin Pellit Chemicals.
He's just gonna fire everybody.
She stood there with her breasts
right in my face.
Yeah, you know,
yours doesn't sound that bad.
I'll stop bringing it up.
I don't understand
why you guys don't quit.
Julia's the only one who'd hire me.
Are you registered sex offenders?
Going to school, changing fields, starting
from the bottom. Who wants to do that?
What do I care about protecting
Pellit's name when his own son doesn't?
- Gotta be a million jobs out there.
- You could find another job.
- Is this really happening? Look at this.
- Oh!
The Three Musketeers. Nick, Kurt and Dale.
Look, hanging like high school.
Oh, shit.
- Kenny's here.
- What's up?
- Yeah, I love this.
- Kenny Sommerfeld.
In the flesh, boys.
In the flesh.
Oh, my goodness.
Now, I heard you moved to New York,
you're working at Lehman Brothers.
- They, uh, hired me right out of Yale.
- Hell yeah.
- Smart Kenny. I love that shit.
- What are you doing here?
- You read the papers? They shut us down.
- Right. Sorry about that.
I've been looking for work
for the last two years.
I can't even get a job waiting tables.
You waiting tables. I don't buy that.
Kenny Sommerfeld, you were voted
"Most Likely to Succeed," weren't you?
- I mean, everyone thought you were set.
- Everybody including me!
I'll tell you what though.
I would fucking murder those
Lehman Brothers if I could.
- I don't blame you.
- I bet.
Line them up, and I would put one bullet
through the three of their heads.
- That would do it.
- Heh.
- Take it easy, Kenny.
- No, you guys don't understand, okay.
I was making the high six figures, and now,
ha, I can't even pay for this fucking drink.
- You can't?
- Well, we'll cover it, right? Dale's got it.
- Seriously, yeah?
- Uh, I actually can't cover it.
- I'll do it.
- Will you spot him?
Got some extra, maybe throw my way?
- Beyond the drink?
- Maybe some extra scratch, if you got it.
- Of course.
- Can you cover me? Just because--
- And I'll get you next time I see you.
- Cool, thank you.
Kenny, I had no idea
it was that bad, buddy.
- Do you have change for a 10?
- No, I don't.
You know what? That's probably
not gonna cut it, so I'll tell you what.
How about I give you guys
some hand jobs?
- What is it?
- Huh?
Forty bucks a piece.
We'll do it right here in the bathroom.
All right, you guys
are driving a hard bargain.
Since I know you,
I'll let you stare into my eyes.
- I'll do the three of you for a hundred.
- Kenny, are you gay now?
- No, I'm not gay!
- You just do gay stuff.
I'm the opposite of gay.
Now, come on. What do you say?
Handies for the Three Musketeers.
Come on. You know what?
I'll hit the three of you at the same time.
Dale, I'm gonna deal with you
right here behind my knee.
Nobody's doing that, you're gonna love it.
You two, I'm gonna rock you.
Nordic style.
You know what they're saying right now?
They're saying my hands
are rated four stars.
Four stars wrapped around your stick,
pop the thumb, nick the top. Nick the top.
- Nick the top, nick the top, pecker spit.
- You been drinking all day, Kenny?
Look at me. I know what I'm doing
down there. Nobody will ever know.
Hey! Come on, man.
I thought I told you to stay out of here.
I gotta go. But listen,
if you guys change your mind...
...I'm staying at my mom's house. Mm.
For an extra hundred, I'll let you
guys pool your mayonnaise...
...right here in my bellybutton.
You'll love it. Think about it. Ugh, ugh! Yes!
I'll be at my mom's.
Okay.
Oh, Kenny.
That dude banged all three of my sisters.
He might be looking for your brother now,
you know.
Maybe don't quit your job.
I guess we'll be miserable
for the rest of our lives? That's the deal?
- That's the way it's looking.
- Why you saying that?
We don't have many options, do we?
Think about it, we can quit our jobs
and turn into Kenny...
...or, uh, keep our jobs
and just become spineless losers...
...that spend their entire day
dreaming of ways to kill their bosses.
- You do that too?
- Of course.
- Sounds a little sick.
- It's not. It's just a way to blow off steam.
It's not like we're gonna
actually kill our bosses.
- Good.
- Ha, ha. Though you would have to admit...
...that our lives would be a lot easier
if our bosses weren't alive.
Mm-hm.
Hypothetically, if we could do it and none
of us get caught, would you guys do it?
- No.
- I would.
- No, you wouldn't.
- I would.
- You would?
- Yeah.
It's not murder if it's justified.
Justifiable homicide, right?
I can't wait to hear this.
If one evil person dies
for the greater good, so be it.
You know, Bobby Pellit is an absolute
monster. He's a fucking jerk.
If he has his way, he's gonna end up
killing thousands of innocent Bolivians.
What?
Technically, I think it's immoral
not to kill him.
I should kill Harken for not letting me
say goodbye to Gam Gam?
Yes. Yes, you should.
But I don't care how bad our bosses are.
We're not murderers.
Julia is ruining your life, you know?
That's wrong.
- That is wrong.
- It's affecting your possible marriage.
- Come on, she's not ruining it.
- Would your life be easier without Julia?
You're right.
Uh, know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go to Julia's house,
maybe I'll slash her up...
...and I'll put her in a box and I'll mail it
to you two, uh, tough-guy mafiosos.
I'm done with this conversation. You're
paying for dinner because you've upset me.
You're paying
and I'm finding a cab somehow.
I was just speaking hypothetically,
you know.
Me too.
Guess who.
Look, I'm really kind of
not in the mood for this.
Not in the mood for what?
- Hi.
- Hi, babe.
Oh, what are you doing here?
- I invited her.
- Yes. She called.
And she said that now that we're engaged,
she wanted to offer me free dental work.
- And you know I have that loose filling.
- Yeah.
This really was so, so sweet of you, Julia.
Oh, please. Come on, Stacy,
it's my pleasure.
You're part of the family now.
But, um, I don't know
if it's a good idea, sweetie.
Oh, why not?
Because we're mixing pleasure
with business. Business and pleasure.
We're taking advantage of Julia.
Dale.
There's nothing that you could do ever
that would be taking advantage of me.
- Okay?
- So sweet.
All right, you. Let's go say
we pump you full of gas, huh?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Fuck me.
Ten.
Nine.
I don't know
what you're doing with your hand.
- Okay.
- Seven.
Put your hand in a safe place
because there's sharp tools here.
Oh, there she goes.
- Come here!
- What are you doing? What are you doing?
You're gonna give me that dong, Dale.
My dong?
You're gonna fuck my slutty little mouth.
Do you hear the words you say sometimes?
I mean, who talks like that?
Let's have sex on top of her.
Let's use her like a bed.
Get down, get down. Hey, hey!
Get off of her.
Goddamn you! That's it, okay?
You know what? That's crossing the line.
So I'm done, Julia.
Fuck this. I'm out. I don't need this job.
So goodbye, I'm quitting. I'm done.
I'm gonna tell her you fucked me.
What?
If you don't fuck me,
I'm gonna tell her that you fucked me.
Okay. Tell her whatever the hell you want.
She's not gonna believe you.
She already knows
that you're a sex offender.
And I think once she gets a look
at these...
...she's gonna believe me.
- What is that?
- Do you remember your first week here?
When I changed the crown
on your second bicuspid?
Yeah.
Well, I just, uh, took a few pictures
of the procedure.
- Oh, my God.
- Right?
Oh, no. What?
Oh. Ooh.
You did all this
while I was unconscious?
Ooh. Mm-hm. Yep.
That's my favorite.
- Rape.
- What?
Rape. That's a rape.
This is what raping is.
You're a raper and you've raped me.
That's a rape! Rape!
Just relax there, Jodie Foster.
Your dick wasn't even hard.
That does not give me any relief.
But it will be next time, and if it is not...
...this little sweetheart right here is gonna
get a peek at my little photo album.
So please prep the patient
for the bitewing x-ray.
I'll be back in a jiffy.
I'm in. Let's kill this bitch!
- What bitch?
- "What bitch"? Guys, my boss.
Our bosses need to die. You were right,
man. We should do this thing.
We were drinking last night.
You said that killing is wrong.
I know. That was before Julia tried to fuck
me on top of Stacy's unconscious body.
- Really?
- Yes, dude.
She's gone fucking batshit crazy.
She took a bunch of photographs of me--
- Where are they?
- They'll ruin my life. I can't show them.
- It's a whole thing. You guys in or out?
- I was in last night.
- Nick, what do you say?
- Please. Let's go.
Nick, come on.
Seriously. I mean, uh, what about
your grandma, you know? Bubbe.
- Gam Gam.
- Whatever it is.
She didn't get to say goodbye
to her grandson.
Because his dickbag of a boss
wouldn't let him leave. Right?
- What would Gam Gam want you to do?
- She wouldn't want me to kill him.
Okay, forget about Gam Gam.
She's dead. You gotta accept that.
This is about you, Nick.
Okay, what do you want?
Well, obviously I want him gone.
- Exactly. So let's do this.
- Right?
- How do we do this?
- I thought about that.
Stacy and I, we watch a ton of Law & Order.
Huge Law & Order buffs.
There's all sorts of ways the bad
guys on the show mess up, right?
They leave behind skin cells
and, uh, bullet casing--
Sperm.
- Most of the time, it's sperm.
- Silent killer.
Anyway, that's not the point.
Point is...
...we're not qualified.
We gotta hire a professional.
- Are you talking about a hit man?
- Yeah.
That's a really good idea.
Yeah. We don't clean
our own apartments or cut our own hair.
- No, we pay someone to do that.
- Yeah.
Well, I don't actually. Stacy cuts my hair.
- She does?
- Yeah.
- She have training for that?
- Doesn't need it.
She might.
And where are you
gonna find a hit man?
Why don't you guys
leave that up to me, okay?
I got this whole thing figured out.
I'm gonna give you a call tomorrow,
I'm gonna tell you where to meet me.
Why don't you just tell us now?
I don't have it all figured out.
I got some of it figured out.
- Okay.
- I'm gonna go home and start.
Okay. All right. I'm gonna go home too.
- Well, you are. This is your house here.
- Oh. I couldn't tell that by the way you go...
...in and out of my fridge
drinking all my fucking beer.
- No, no.
- Enjoy.
- Were you followed?
- Why would I be followed?
People follow people in these types
of situations. Sure you weren't?
Oh, boy. What people?
Just take one quick look around,
make sure.
- Let's put this down.
- Look around, make sure some--
- Calm down!
- That's what you get.
Shut the door, take the chain off
and let me in.
- I pissed him off already.
- Already?
What the hell's going on, huh?
What are we doing here?
I don't want an assassin
in my apartment.
Don't want this guy knowing
where we live.
Hang on, you guys already went ahead
and found someone and he's coming here?
- Oh, big time.
- Not "we." Dale, all by himself.
- It was easy. Easy as buying a used futon.
- You found a hit man online?
Yeah. They don't write "hit man,"
right? That's dumb.
They use code words, like wet work,
right? Liquidation. Check him out.
"Skilled professional
with years of experience...
...in domestic and international
wet work.
Discreet. No children,
no political figures."
That last part was important. I saw that,
I thought, "This is a good idea."
I feel we should've got
a cheese plate for this guy.
- 20/20 hindsight.
- Is that him?
- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, that was definitely a car.
- He looks like James Bond.
- He really does, dude.
Bet he carries a gun you screw together.
Those are, like, the coolest guns they make.
So dangerous.
What if that is an undercover cop?
- Come on.
- What if it's the real thing?
He charges so much we can't
afford it, gets pissed, kills us.
- Kills all three of us? Hold on.
- That's a thing?
Could that happen?
- Gotta let him in.
- How's my hair?
- What do you mean?
- It doesn't matter. Let's do this. Okay.
Ready?
Yeah?
Are you Dale?
- I am the one they call Dale.
- Hmm.
Please come in.
Thank you.
Are all three of you participating in this?
- Yes.
- Well, um....
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yep. Yep.
- Yes.
Very well.
Now, before we go any further...
...I need to know if there are
any hidden recording devices in the room.
I will find out if there are.
I'm sure you would, but there's none
because that would be stupid of us.
- That's a silly move.
- It's a no.
Then let's get started.
- I love this guy.
- This is the real deal.
- His voice, you kidding?
- This guy is legit.
And you do know that
we just wanna start with a--?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, wait, what's this for?
- For the mess.
- What?
Wouldn't wanna leave a stain, now.
- Oh, my God. I knew it.
- Who's first?
- "Who's first"? No.
- We don't want you to kill us.
We want you to kill another person.
If anyone's first, probably him.
No. Goddamn it.
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
what are you talking about?
Your ad said you do wet work.
That's correct.
I urinate on other men for money.
- What was that?
- What'd he say?
I think he said he pisses on dudes.
Why else do you think my ad was
in the "men seeking men" section?
Where was it?
- You fucking idiot.
- Could you be dumber?
- Why look in the "men seeking men"--?
- We are men looking for a man!
How do people
let you work on their teeth?
They don't, actually.
I just hand the tools to Julia.
Are you telling me that I've driven all this
way and nobody wants to get pissed on?
- Uh-uh.
- Well, it's not our thing.
Sorry about that.
Can I use your toilet? I stored up
rather a large amount of pee for this.
Sure. Yeah, it's right through there.
Knock yourself out.
Oh, and by the way,
I still will want my $200.
- Understandable.
- We insist.
- Two hundred, huh? A bargain.
- To kill three people?
- I thought it was such a good deal.
- Dipshit. Unbelievable.
I'll be in the car.
Okay, but you guys
are gonna chip in for the--
Am I gonna have to give him
all my money?
Sir, I'm going to leave your money
on the bed.
God, he would have drenched us.
Okay, I'm gonna
take the blame on that one.
- You bet your ass you will.
- You should take the blame.
- It was an honest mistake.
- That's not how you find a killer.
- Oh, you know how to find a killer?
- Yeah, I bet I--
Yeah, hey, you know what?
Yeah. I got an idea.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Good evening, Mr. Buckman.
Thank you for contacting Nav Guide.
My name is Gregory.
How may I be of service this evening?
Yeah, we're looking for the most dangerous
bar in the city. Can you help us, please?
-We're going to dinner.
- I'm sorry?
Looking for a bar filled with criminals.
Lowlife thugs, hard-core shitheads.
- What do you got for us?
- Let's go to a restaurant.
I'm afraid our listings
are not organized by danger, sir.
I see there's an Applebee's
three blocks from your location.
- Perfect.
- No, not really helpful.
They're not the kind of shitheads
we need. Anything else?
I could direct you
to a neighborhood...
...with the greatest
number of carjackings.
- Now we're thinking outside the box.
- I wanna go to dinner.
- Love it.
- That's probably right.
Very good, sir.
You may wish to lock your doors.
- This is worse than getting pissed on.
- Shh.
- I'd rather be pissed on.
- Jesus.
You weren't kidding, Gregory.
This is, uh, a bad part of town.
You can stay on the line.
You're still there?
-I'm still here, sir.
- Just keep, uh, keep us on the line.
I'm always curious about these things,
but is your real name Gregory?
Uh, no, sir. My real name is Atmanand.
How do you get Gregory from that?
Oh. Gregory was assigned to me...
-...by Nav Guide.
- Why not let you use your real name?
They say many Americans
find our real names hard to pronounce.
I'm not gonna play
by their rules anymore.
From now on,
I'm gonna call you Ahmenan.
-Atmanand.
- Ammenand.
-Atmanad.
- Atmanand.
I'm gonna call you Gregory,
that name's a nightmare.
- Hey, baby.
- Oh, boy.
- You hurt his feelings.
- I didn't.
You have arrived at your destination, sir.
-All right. Well, thanks, Gregory.
- You're welcome.
All right. All right, here we go.
- This is a really bad idea.
- This is a great idea.
- Gonna yell "anybody here kill for money"?
- No.
- That's a terrible plan.
- Follow me. I got this.
- Where you going?
- I don't feel we should stay.
All right.
- Bowflex?
- Shut up.
Ah.
My man.
Hey, uh, does anyone here
kill people for money?
- Kurt.
- The fuck you just say?
No, it's not a race thing.
Uh, I believe that society discriminates
and disenfranchises you folks.
- "You folks"?
- Subtle.
Man, I'm a small-business owner.
Who the hell you calling disenfranchised?
Well, not you in particular,
in that instance.
- Oh, right. You mean all black people.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna be in the car.
- Oh, a baseball bat.
Uh, I didn't mean to offend you.
I'm sorry if that's what happened.
My heart's in the right place.
In five seconds, your heart
gonna be in the wrong place.
- Four, three, two, let's roll.
- Got it. Okay. Take care.
Have a nice day. Good day to you.
Bye, baby.
Don't say a word. I know, I know.
Hit the button. Hit the button.
- Guys, I don't know. Should we quit?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Yo. Think I can help you boys.
- Is that for us?
- Here we go.
- Not interested, thank you.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's follow a strange guy
into a dark corner.
Somebody said y'all looking
for somebody to help with business.
- Yep.
- Well, um...
- ...are you a businessman?
- Yeah.
Motherfucker Jones.
- How's that?
- Motherfucker Jones.
Your first name is Motherfucker?
Not Motherfucker. Motherfuckah.
White people say "er."
Negroes say "fuckah."
- Got it.
- You say E-R. I say A-H.
Cool name. Yeah. Is that,
like, on your birth certificate too?
No, goofball.
My real name is Dean.
Dean Jones. Same name of
the actor in Herbie, the Love Bug.
He won't know who that is.
- I know who he is, bitch.
- Sorry.
I can't walk around in this fucking
neighborhood with that Disney-ass name.
How'd you get the name
Motherfucker?
When I was a kid, I snuck
into my mother's bedroom.
- Ooh.
- Uh-oh.
She was sleeping on the bed.
She had been drinking all night.
- I've heard enough.
- Her skin was glistening.
-And I snuck up behind her.
- Dean.
And I slipped my fingers...
Ahh.
- ...into her purse.
- Purse? He said "purse."
And I took all of her money.
And it was her week's pay.
-I really fucked her over.
- Motherfucker!
And that's how I got the name
Motherfucker Jones.
Right.
They should call you Motherfucker-Over
Jones to avoid confusion.
- What's the confusion?
- There's no confusion.
We're gonna get back on track here.
Sir, we each have a boss, uh...
...that, you know--
There's three bosses, and it would be best
if those bosses maybe were no longer....
- No longer around anymore.
- We want them...
- You know?
- ...killed.
You got the cheese?
We got the cheese.
What kind of cheese are you thinking?
- What is that, three hits? That's....
- Yeah.
- Thirty large.
- Whoa.
- Hungry.
- That's a lot of cheese.
Oh, here's an idea.
If you kill two, could we get
the third one hold the cheese?
It's no negotiations.
Thirty large or nothing.
- That's more cheese than we've got.
- Okay, then. It's five large now.
Then we're in. We're in. We're in. Right?
Hang on. Wouldn't it be awful
if it was traceable back to us?
I don't even know your names.
- That is rude. This is Dale.
- Don't say my name.
Shut the fuck up. Listen. Bring the money
here tomorrow, I'll take care of the rest.
Do you want it in something specific,
a shoebox, duffel bag?
- Just be here with the fucking money.
- Yeah.
- Put it in a briefcase.
- Thanks for your time.
Here we go.
Is the briefcase coming out of your end?
Looks like it's all there.
Didn't even need a briefcase.
It's a small stack.
- We should have used a manila envelope.
- It's all right.
What is your projected outside date
of completion, Motherfucker?
Ah.
I just got back from doing a dime
for some real nasty shit.
- That's 10 years.
- I know.
They're looking at me. I'm on probation,
and if I step out of line...
...I'm going back.
- Right.
- Understood.
- Period? End of story?
- What does that mean?
- Wait. You said you'd take care of this.
- Yeah, I'll take care of it.
I'm gonna be your murder consultant.
I'm sorry, but, uh....
- No, man. Right? That's not cool.
- You don't shut this fucking hamster up....
- Don't call me a hamster now. Come on.
- Easy, easy.
- It's just upsetting.
- No, it's somewhat accurate.
Look, that is not what we talked about,
Motherfucker.
So how about we just take the money
and we'll get out of here?
How about you go fuck yourself?
No refunds.
That's $5000. If you think we're just gonna
walk out and let you keep that--
- I think you're forgetting--
- Don't go grabbing quickly.
Jesus.
Mr. Motherfucker, please,
don't shoot us. Let's just talk it out.
Listen, $5000 is mine.
I don't care what you say.
You can take my advice
or get the fuck out of here.
- That's a terrible deal.
- We should listen.
- Okay, $5000 worth of advice?
- Yeah.
Most killers are first-timers.
You wanna pull off a brilliant murder,
you gotta act like it's an accident.
Failed brakes, gas leaks, suicide.
You do it right, you ain't even
gotta be there when it goes down.
Oh, boy. That's five grand worth, huh?
- Pretty pedestrian.
- Not really. Obvious information, isn't it?
Sounds like Scooby-Doo. How are we
supposed to fake three accidents?
You stalk your prey.
Gotta be smart. Find out where they live,
find out their habits. What's their hobbies?
What they like, what food they like,
who they fucking.
- Word.
- Find them vulnerable.
I have a job, you know?
What's that, surveillance and recon?
That's why we were hiring, because
we wanna sub that out. We have jobs.
Even if you pull it off perfectly...
...if you crackers got motives...
...the popo...
- That's police.
- ...will pin it to you.
We all have clear motives
for killing our bosses...
...so this is not gonna work.
This is garbage.
I got it.
Why don't you kill each other's bosses?
- That's actually a good idea.
- It's not bad.
Yeah, like Hitchcock's
Strangers on a Train, right?
- I didn't see that. They do that?
- Danny DeVito movie. It's funny.
That famous Alfred Hitchcock, Danny
DeVito movie. That's the one he's--
Come on. You're thinking of
Throw Momma From the Train.
- That's what it is.
- That I saw.
Good movie.
That's what you're thinking about.
Same idea, though. We kill
each other's bosses, there's no link to us.
Exactly. Five thousand dollars
well spent, right?
- No. Not at all.
- Waste of money.
Well, too fucking bad.
Get out.
Hello.
Hey. I'm outside.
You ready to do a little recon?
Yep. Yeah. I have to get Harken
to let me leave a little bit early.
What's the difference? Not like
he'll be your boss much longer.
I'll be down in three minutes.
OK, three minutes it is. Bye.
He'll be down in three minutes.
- Dude, these seats are crazy comfortable.
- Look at this. I know, it's so good. Ah.
The worst report I have ever read
in my life, you nimwit.
You're such a fucking dweeb.
Do you have a parking space?
Because I'm gonna take it away from you.
Who is it, like your mother-in-law
that knows my wife?
How you got this fucking job,
I don't even understand.
Ugh.
What the hell?
Sorry, everybody. I've been fighting
that bug all day. Let me get back to work.
No, no, no. You're disgusting. Go home.
I don't want you getting anyone else sick.
Probably best.
Take all your work with you
and have it on my desk 6 a.m. Monday.
- You got it. Thank you, Mr. Harken.
- Jesus Christ.
- Don't forget to take your fucking trash can.
- Yeah. No, that's mine.
You goddamn barfing pig.
Evens are over here.
I know, but sometimes on some
streets evens are on the opposite side.
Never.
Never have and they never will.
There it is, 428.
- Which one, which one?
- Don't stop right in front of it.
Stop right here. Right here, right here.
Okay, boys.
We wait till Pellit makes a move,
then we tail him, all right?
- It is on like Donkey Kong.
- Ha, ha.
- Hells yeah, man.
- Here we go, huh?
- Fire that the other way next time, okay.
- Is my breath bad?
- Yeah. Find some gum or lean back.
- I had a falafel.
You had a shawarma, right?
It's like a lamb mistake.
- Where'd you get a falafel?
- Mickey's.
- Mickey's has falafels? No kidding.
- Mm-hm.
Why don't you lean back?
Because he parked right in front of a tree. If
I lean back, I can't see the house over there.
Stop exasperating on me,
or watch your H's.
Through the nose stinks too, okay?
I hate that angle.
We should probably get lower.
If he sees three guys--
- Slouch down a little.
- I'm gonna get back.
- You're gonna back your seat up?
- If you get in your seat...
...I can back my seat up.
I don't really have a good angle from here
because there's that tree.
- You got a whole window to look through.
- I'm coming up.
- Come on, lean back.
- I like the three man thing.
What are you doing, Kurt?
- What's going on?
- He's fucking around, man.
Creating a finger web in front of your face.
Is that--? Is that like a camouflage?
It is his boss. I mean, he's the one
who's going to get recognized.
Finger-flage. It's called finger-flage.
Finger-flage. This is actually
a pretty damn good idea, dude.
Just roll up your window.
Please, I can't-- I can't--
- Do the finger-flage.
- Let's not have jokes for two hours.
- This is serious business.
- This is fun.
Oh, my God.
I cannot believe how much this sucks.
I don't get it, man. On TV,
surveillance always looks fun, right?
You know, the cops, they got
the sunflower seeds and the coffee.
Talk about their lives and shit.
And then--
You know, right when someone reveals
something really intimate, the perp appears.
- They spring into action.
- Yeah.
Are we even sure this guy's home?
- Let's go check this out.
- Yeah, we should probably look, right?
Shh.
Oh, my God.
What do you wanna do?
What's the plan?
- Let's look through this window right here.
- No, no. No, let's ring the bell.
You're not gonna ring the bell.
Look through the window right here.
Chances are, he's not home.
I haven't seen any activity in this house--
What are you doing?
You're not gonna ring the doorbell.
- Come on. Come on.
- Dale, Dale, Dale.
I didn't make it in.
I'm sorry, guys. Didn't make it in.
You in?
Yeah, I'm okay. Jesus Christ,
the guy owns a fucking bear?
- We're breaking and entering here.
- I know. Shh. Oh, look at this.
Look at this place. It's awful.
It's like a douchebag museum.
It's like we stepped inside
the mind of an asshole.
Shit. He's got a foosball table.
Dale! Don't touch anything.
Get your hands off that.
- Fingerprints.
- Yeah, fingerprints.
- God. We should be wearing gloves.
- We don't have-- Oh, here. I know.
Use your sleeves. Use your sleeves.
- For what?
- Use them for gloves.
- Come on.
- I can see my fingerprints from here.
- What do we do? What's the plan?
- We're here to get some intel.
- "Intel"?
- It's short for "intelligence."
- I know what it stands for.
- Then why did you ask?
Why are we talking
about this? Let's split up.
In and out, in and out. We'll find something
good, and we're in and out of here.
- Stop chatting and start looking.
- We're committing a crime. This is a crime.
Whoa.
- Nick.
- Yeah?
- Now, this would count as intel, right?
- Holy shit, that's a lot of cocaine.
Have you ever seen this much cocaine?
That's gotta be worth,
what, 10, 15,000--?
Oh, I blew it. I blew that, didn't I?
Hmm.
- Don't inhale.
- Grab the box. I'll scoop it in.
I really don't wanna touch it.
I don't have sleeve-gloves.
Get something to-- Ugh. I'll scoop it in.
So bitter.
Hmm.
In the butt you go, go, go.
There you go.
Big scoop.
All right, let me try this. Look out.
- Yeah, that better work.
- Watch out.
There you go.
- I don't know.
- Go slow.
Get on the couch. Stop helping.
All right.
In you go.
Ooh.
You probably should have
emptied the DustBuster first.
Is that what you think?
I was thinking that.
On account of the dust.
Well, I've heard of butt floss,
but this is ridiculous. Ha, ha.
- Get a sifter, or a--
- Colander.
Colander would be good.
And I'll start picking.
That'll do.
I feel like everything'll work out.
I'm like a machine. Look how fast I am.
I'm moving super fast.
I can't even feel my nose.
Wanna know what's weird?
I should be panicking...
...and I am a little,
but it's in a very good way.
It's a good kind of panic
because I feel like I wanna die...
- ...but I also feel very, very, very good.
- Yeah.
Hey! What are you guys doing?
Nothing. But before we go,
I wanna take one more dump.
Take a dump and I'm gonna
do push-ups. Because I gotta get fit.
What the hell have you guys done?
I'm feeling good, dude.
Wanna help me clean?
We bond over this.
This is friendship stuff.
We broke into someone's house.
It's the most amazing experience of my life.
We broke into a man's house. Suddenly,
I'm like an expert at sifting cocaine.
It's amazing.
Come here and help me with this.
Can't believe we weren't prepared.
That was completely dangerous,
a total waste of time.
Well, no. Actually, not a total waste
of time. Look what I got.
- Not bad, huh?
- What is that?
- Is this his phone?
- That's his phone.
- You steal this?
- I sure did.
I got his contacts, schedule.
Weird pictures of him doing awesome shit.
- Very nice.
- Thank you.
- No.
- What do you mean, "no"?
That's a crime. Pfft. Nope. Ha.
No one said we'd be stealing.
- This is a good grab.
- We broke in! You guys did cocaine!
- Right. Two-- Three crimes.
- He's all jitzed out. Ignore him.
We're in the process of
getting ready to kill three people...
...and you're giving me shit
about stealing a phone?
Run it by me
if you'll be stealing stuff.
- Run it by you?
- Run it by me!
- Nick, will you hold this for a second?
- What are you doing?
"Run"? I'm not gonna run
anything by you.
I'm not gonna run anything by you.
Dickhead.
- There's a lot of stuff in here.
- I know.
- Wanna go check out your boss now?
- Yeah, I guess we should.
Okay, let's do it.
- Hold on.
- You gotta take care of that.
No. No!
Get off me! Come on, hey!
- You don't punch the driver!
- I need you back here for the brakes.
Oh, shit, the brakes. I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm sorry. Don't punch the driver, Dale!
I'm sorry I hit you! Get the wheel.
- You don't punch the driver!
- You don't punch the fucking driver.
I'm coked out of my fucking brain.
I'll punch whoever the fuck I want to.
Let's do this, guys. Feeling good.
- Be very quiet out there.
- Calm down, Dale.
You know what? Hang on a second.
Dale? Dude, hold it. Last time the three
of us did this, it was very messy.
- It was awesome, exciting.
- It was clunky as hell.
Here's what we'll do. In the event that
Harken is not here, just me and Kurt go in.
You'll stay out here, not go in,
and be our lookout.
What? Are you kidding me?
That's awesome. I love that. The lookout.
- I don't know what the guy looks like.
- Doesn't matter.
You see anybody, just assume
that it's Harken, send us a signal.
- Okay? Have a seat.
- Okay.
Okay. Send a sig--
I'm gonna honk the horn six times.
- Goddamn it. No.
- Did he say "six"?
- Something much more subtle.
- That's too many.
- More subtle? Four honks?
- Can you honk once?
- Are you kidding?
- Not at all.
People honk once all the time.
You'll be in and out--
- We'll know it's you.
- Come on, man. Dale, two honks.
That kind of tone's gonna get you nowhere.
All right, two honks.
- Just two honks. A little tap, tap.
- Okay.
Two very long, very slow honks.
- I'm gonna check this window over here.
- Okay.
- There's nothing on that side.
- Yeah. I don't think there's anyone in there.
I think he's definitely out.
Maybe we can find a way in upstairs.
Yeah, or maybe there's a window open.
Or better yet....
That makes things easier, huh?
I like the way you think. Move.
- No, don't do that. Hey! God!
- Oh, shit.
I broke a rock.
Please tell me you realize
that was a key thingy.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
You weren't gonna
throw a rock through the door?
No, of course not.
No, I wanted to open it.
Like a real cat burglar.
Wow.
Just recon, now, okay?
Hey, take this. I don't want it.
I want my hands free.
You broke it.
I feel the intel--
- God!
- Okay, just a cat.
Out of nowhere.
Just a cat. We're all right.
Let's look upstairs. Come on.
The call me hell
They call me Stacey
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
That's not my name
They call me hell
They call me her
They call me hell
They call me Stacey
That's not my name
That's not my name
Oh! Goddamn it.
Jesus, how many cats do they have?
- It's the same one, I think. Yeah.
- Really?
Quick little bugger, huh?
Hey.
- Shit, is that Harken's wife?
- Yeah, that's her.
- Oh, man, she is hot.
- She sure is. Here we go.
I'd like to bend her over a barrel
and show her the 50 states.
- I don't know what that means.
- Ah, it's a saying.
- I don't think so.
- No, it is, it is. Yeah. No, people say that.
- I haven't heard it.
- I've definitely heard people say that.
I'm not gonna argue.
Let's continue the recon.
- Well, it's definitely a phrase.
- It sure isn't.
Yeah, it is. It's from a book.
The Great Gatsby, maybe?
Let's just look for an address book
or a day planner or something. You know?
You know, it's too bad we're not looking
for cats. These people fucking love cats.
Hey, schmuckface.
You wanna tell me what you're doing
littering on my street?
I think what happened, ahem, was that
the wind blew it out of my hand.
I don't care if the wind
blew it out of your twat.
Why don't you take this piece-of-shit car
and get off my fucking block?
I don't know why you're mad at the car.
I don't think we should get hostile now.
"Hostile"? You wanna see hostile?
How about I go in my house
and I get my--?
What are--?
What's going on with you?
Peanuts.
"Penis"?
Oh, peanuts.
That was a peanut butter sandwich.
Are you not good with peanuts?
What are you pointing at?
What's going on? What's here?
Oh, I got it! What do I do? What do I do?
"Check the needle, pump back, pump--"
Okay, hold on. I'm a slow reader.
"Hold the pump--" Okay, okay!
Jab it in your chest. Okay.
I got you, dude. Ready?
How you feeling, you good?
You good? Did I get you? Did I get you?
Whoa. Whoa. Dude, come here. Hurry.
Look at this.
- Is that Harken? Dale's killing Harken?
- That's Harken?
I'm gonna hit you again, okay?
- What is he doing?
- He's really doing it?
- This is the recon stage.
- Holy shit.
We gotta get out of here.
Come on, we gotta go. Oh, God.
I'm pushing on it. Okay.
What about little jabs? Little jabs?
Do I get your neck?
Was that good?
Come on, man!
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey! Come here!
What's going on? What are you doing?
What's happened?
I think he's okay! I hit him
with this. Do you know him?
Of course, he's my husband. Sweetie?
Honey? Sweetheart, are you okay?
- There he is. Hey.
- Ah. What did you do to me?
I saved you with your thingy.
It was incredible.
Oh, my God, sweetie.
He saved your life.
You saved his life.
Okay. That's cool.
- What's with the hugging?
- Saved your life!
Oh, sweetie, I am just so grateful
that he was here. You could have died.
- I'm sure you are grateful he's here.
- Yes, I am.
- You know this guy?
- No, I don't.
Are you fucking this guy? What were
you doing, waiting to fuck my wife?
Dude, I just met your wife.
You want your thing back?
- You better get out of here.
- No problem.
Dave. Dave, what are you--? Honey?
Honey, you should be thanking this young
man. Why are you being so suspicious?
Why? You know why I'm being suspicious.
Because I know you sleep
around on me.
That's ridiculous.
What about the way
you look at Maurilio?
You realize we're all going to jail
because of that idiot?
Man, I can't go to jail. Look at me.
I'll get raped like crazy.
Fuck, me too.
Yeah, totally.
I'd get raped just as much
as you would, Kurt.
- Do you think you're more rape-able?
- I'm not saying that.
- You're pretty close to saying--
- Oh, fuck.
Holy shit.
Did you guys see me out there?
Yeah, we saw you, Dale.
Shh. Yeah, we saw that.
How cool was that?
It wasn't cool at all.
We come out to gather information...
...and you start stabbing Harken to death
in front of the neighborhood?
- Harken?
- Who'd you think you were stabbing?
I wasn't stabbing anyone.
He had an allergic reaction to some peanuts
and I rescued him, know what I mean?
He had a little allergy shot on him
and I--
I mean, I jabbed him with that,
but I was just saving his life.
- Saved a man's life.
- Hang on a second.
So my boss, who we're
thinking about planning to kill...
...is dying in front of you
and you saved his life?
Well, that sounds bad
when you say it like that.
- Can you open the door?
- That's not cool.
- But I didn't know it was Harken.
- Hit the button.
This is why I need to know
what people look like.
You're mad at me for killing him....
Can we give him a time-out?
For one second.
Make up your fucking mind. It's like--
What is this?
You gotta admit
we got some good intel tonight.
Harken is allergic to peanuts
and Pellit's got a huge stash of cocaine.
Are you playing this game?
So all we gotta do is figure a way to get
peanuts somewhere into Harken's house...
...and put some poison in Pellit's coke.
It's easy for someone to think
Pellit got a bad batch of cocaine.
You seriously locking me
out of the car like we're in 8th grade?
What about Harken? Probably
always got that injector thing.
Doesn't shower with it.
So then we'll put some peanuts
inside his shampoo.
A couple of fatal accidents
we're not even there for.
- Motherfucker Jones would be so proud.
- Yeah, he would.
- Getting old.
- What do you do about dummy's boss?
I'll stake her out tomorrow
and get to the bottom of it.
- A man has his limits.
- That left a fucking dent.
Get him fucking home.
Very funny. That was very funny, guys.
We have one thing to figure out,
if you can help us.
If Nick and I were in prison,
who do you think would get raped more?
Nick.
Really? Why?
It's about weakness and vulnerability.
It's not a looks thing.
It probably would be Nick.
Getting locked out of the car
is bullshit, man.
That's an awesome deal.
Jesus, Dale. It's a murder,
not a cocktail party.
I know. You don't have to
announce that to the world.
There was a great deal on nuts.
I'm not gonna pass up on savings.
Okay, so this is it.
I'm doing Pellit, you're gonna do Harken,
and you'll get some intel from Julia, right?
- Copy that.
- Okay. See you on the other side.
Okay.
- Thank you, Kimmy.
- You're welcome.
That was great.
- See you next time.
- Yeah.
- Thank you, Bill.
- Thank you, Bobby.
What?
Whew.
Oh.
Shit.
-Hey.
- How's it going over there?
-What do you know about Julia?
- I learned I gotta switch dentists...
...because this woman
is unbelievably hot.
-How's it going over there?
- Uh, it's--
Just I'm waiting for, you know,
Pellit to sleep or leave or....
Just-- Just waiting.
Wonder what, uh,
Dale's doing with Harken.
It's gonna be really hard.
And we'll have to work at this every day,
but I wanna do that because I want you.
I want all of you forever, you and me,
every day--
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Everybody was kung-fu fighting
Give me that.
Give it to me.
Jesus. Where does this guy
get the energy?
Oh, yeah.
What the fuck was that?
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
- Yeah, Dale?
- I don't think I can do this.
Look, I know
you really hate Harken but...
...I don't think
I can go through with it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know. I've been thinking
the same thing.
-Yeah, let's just call it off.
- What the fuck?
- What?
- It's Harken. He's here.
He's at Pellit's? Why?
I don't know. He's walking
right up to the front door.
-You think he's onto us?
- How the fuck do I know?
Knock a little louder?
What? What?
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ,
Harken just shot Pellit.
Are you sure?
Holy shit. Pellit opened up the door,
Harken shot him in the chest...
...he fell down, he shot him again
in the head.
He shot him? Wait, what's going on?
I don't understand. He shot him?
Nick? Say something.
Nick, say something.
Nick! Nick, Nick, talk to me.
Nick, what's happening?
What's going on?
-How's Pellit doing?
- Still pretty fucking dead, Dale.
I gotta get out of here before somebody
sees me. Meet me at the bar. I'll call Kurt.
Yeah. I'll meet you there.
I might throw up a couple times in the toilet
here, but then I'll meet you there.
Oh.
Oh, Toyota.
Stay calm. We'll figure this out.
"Calm"?
I saw a guy get shot an hour ago.
- I know. A guy you were gonna kill anyway.
- Listen, I don't know about that.
- What?
- Don't know if I had it in me.
I freaked out and panicked,
got out of there.
Are you kidding?
You can't change a plan like this--
I'm not a murderer.
You think when it came down to it,
you'd be able to kill Julia?
I don't know. Maybe you're right.
It is a little hard to imagine killing her now.
- "Now"?
- Wait, what does that mean?
- Did you sleep with her?
- No, no.
- Tell me you didn't sleep with her.
- You're a mess.
But this time it wasn't my fault,
I swear to God.
You will be a suspect
if you try and kill her now.
At first I was surveilling her,
like I was asked to do.
- She's incredibly hot, by the way. So hot.
- Don't talk about how hot she is, bastard.
Next thing,
she starts deliberately undressing.
Come on.
In front of her window with the lights on.
-Like she knew I was watching.
- "Deliberately undressed"?
Slowly, seductively,
lot of shoulder moves...
...is clearly putting on a show.
-Next she makes herself a little snack.
- She have a nice chest?
A Popsicle.
-Then a banana.
- Come on.
-And finally, a hot dog. I mean, come on.
- Now I don't believe your story.
Three penis-shaped foods,
that can't be a coincidence, right?
Eating them in that weird order?
Not a proper meal.
It's cold to hot.
Fine. So you took the penis foods
as an invitation to fuck her.
No, no. God, no. I took her invitation
to fuck her as an invitation to fuck her.
She lured me in. It was
like one of these things.
-Something clinically wrong with you.
- You're a whore.
Come on. That's not nice, okay?
Look, your problem's solved.
She won't mess with you anymore.
Can we move on?
Let's talk about what happened to Pellit.
All right, okay. Let me think. Okay,
here's what I'm thinking. Here's my idea.
We call the cops
with an anonymous tip. All right?
We tell them Harken killed Pellit. Boom.
Harken's in jail, Pellit's in hell,
Julia's had the crazy fucked out of her...
...and all three of us
have our problems solved.
It could work. An anonymous tip,
that's not bad.
Mm-hm.
Gotta be from a pay phone, though,
so it's not traced back to us.
- Exactly.
- Good. Let's take my car. Let's do it.
All right. Where do you even
find a pay phone these days?
There's a ton at the bus station for sure.
Oh, yeah, I guess that's a good point.
Maybe the mall.
What is this?
- What is this?
- Is that for us?
- What?
- Oh, shit.
All the way down.
Right there.
- Are you the owner of this vehicle?
- I own it. Yup.
We got an APB on a gray Toyota Prius,
license 2-Whiskey-Alpha-Quincy-2-3-3.
- How come?
- Hang on, man.
- Did I talk to you?
- No.
That's this car. Tell me how I can help.
A traffic cam caught this car
fleeing the scene of a crime tonight.
- Would you know anything about that?
- I don't know why it would do that.
I mean, I don't know. What happened?
- Have you been drinking?
- No.
I smell alcohol.
- This guy and the mouth in the back.
- That's me.
I'm gonna need you
to follow us to the station.
Officer.
My man.
I cannot believe I let you talk me into
this whole thing. I cannot believe it.
Are you kidding me?
We were being hypothetical.
- Being hypothetical?
- You're the one that pushed us into it.
Well, don't bark.
- You know we're dead, right?
- Why?
Because they know everything.
Cops are smart.
You realize we can't even mention
Harken now?
- Yeah, I know.
- Shit, dude.
- Wait, why?
- It was supposed to be an anonymous tip.
- Yeah, so?
- Come on, man.
Should I just tell them the only reason
I know about Harken is--
So should I just say that the only reason
I know about Harken...
...is because I was parked
in front of your dead boss's house?
You were at the scene of the crime.
It was bad then.
You kind of fled the scene of a crime.
That's actually a crime in and of itself.
Shouldn't have done that.
I'm the one that hasn't done anything.
- You broke into two people's houses.
- So you broke into a house.
I followed you into a house
after you broke into it.
- You stole a BlackBerry.
- You did cocaine.
I accidentally inhaled some cocaine.
- What are you gonna do, rat me out?
- Maybe I will rat you out. What do you think?
- You gonna rat me out too?
- I could.
You stole a BlackBerry. You fled a crime.
You raped my boss.
- I did not rape her.
- I'll climb over and kick your ass!
- Wanna see what happens?
- Hey! Gentlemen. Gentlemen!
- Right this way.
- Yeah, let's do it. Come on.
Let's go in there. Let's go. Let's do it.
Do you wanna explain
why you were doing 61 in a 25 zone...
...one block from the victim's house...
...just moments after he got shot dead?
I was drag racing.
- I'm a drag racer.
- You were drag racing?
Mm.
In a Prius?
I don't win a lot.
Here's what I don't understand.
You were at the crime scene.
Hour later we find the car. You happened to
be hanging with this freaky motherfucker.
- A registered sex offender.
- It was an empty playground.
And this guy. Who happens to be working
for Pellit Chemicals, the victim's company.
What?
My boss was murdered?
Oh, wow. What were you doing at his
house, Nick? Why were you there?
Where were you during the murder?
I was making love.
I was making love to a woman.
Yeah. Murdering some ass.
- Detectives....
- No, uh, I have a question.
If one of us knew, you know,
who the shooter was...
...and he was willing to
serve you that perp on a platter...
...he would be entitled
to some sort of immunity, right?
No. He would be entitled
to some jail time.
If he knew who the shooter was
and didn't tell us...
...that would be obstruction of justice.
Glad none of us
know who the shooter is.
Listen, if you think we're gonna believe
that this is all just a big coincidence...
...we're gonna be here for a long time.
Okay, wait. By saying
"we're gonna be here for a long time"...
...you're implying that
we're not allowed to leave...
...which would only be the case if we
were under arrest. Are we under arrest?
No. We just brought you in
for questioning.
Well, then, ipso facto...
...you don't have sufficient evidence...
...constituting probable cause
for an arrest warrant.
Not yet.
Well, uh, then, pursuant to
the Fourth Amendment...
...I believe we are free to go.
Are we not?
Yeah, technically. Yeah.
Technically is good enough for me.
Gentlemen, ahem, we are free men.
Let's go.
We gotta get back to your car.
Keep moving.
We get a cab? Take the train?
What do you wanna do?
- You ever been on a subway in this town?
- Pretty great. Where'd that come from?
Law & Order, okay? You can
learn stuff watching Law & Order.
- We showed them, huh?
- We did show them.
You were about to turn us in.
There was a few conversations
about ratting each other out...
...but it was gonna be fine.
Hold on.
That's for you, hotshot.
Speeding and running a red light.
You boys don't get
too comfortable out there.
Our forensics team is sweeping the Pellit
house right now for DNA and fingerprints.
And I'll tell you something.
They don't miss shit.
In the butt you go, go, go.
Why would you put his whole bathroom
in your ass?!
- I didn't I know I had DNA in my butt.
- Lying! You know there's DNA in your butt.
You just like shoving shit in your ass,
you fucking pervert!
We are lawyering up, men. That's it.
I don't have money for a lawyer. I bought
a very expensive ring I can't afford...
...then I gave the rest of my motherfucking
money to Motherfucker Jones.
That's who we should talk to.
He's covered us this far, right?
Five grand?
Five thousand forty with the briefcase.
- Shut up about that!
- Shut up about the briefcase.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Da-da-da.
- Hello, Motherfucker.
- Hey, look who's back. Look who's back.
Whatever happened to
that, uh, Strangers on a Train shit?
Didn't work out. We need your help.
One of our intended victims
killed the other intended victim.
- Shut the fuck up.
- It's gone bad.
You guys are some fucking evil geniuses.
Thank you, but we had nothing to do
with it. We don't know why it happened.
The cops bring us in as suspects.
Kurt's DNA's all over the apartment because
he shoved a toothbrush up his ass.
- That's not the point.
- I'm giving him the whole story.
I got you. First thing first,
we gotta handle business.
Mm-hm.
- I need $5000.
- There's gonna be no more money.
- Two thousand?
- Absolutely not.
No way, Motherfucker. No.
All right, look, pay for my drinks.
- Pay for his drink.
- I'll do that.
Not a very good negotiator.
The guy that killed the other guy,
are the cops after him?
No, no, they don't suspect him.
Then this is what you need to do:
Get him to confess to the murder
while you're wearing a wire.
A wire? We can do that. That's easy.
That how they got you
when you murdered somebody?
- I ain't never murder nobody.
- I'm sorry?
I never murdered anybody.
Wait, no. You said you did a dime
for some pretty nasty shit.
It was some nasty shit,
but does that mean I murdered somebody?
You implied it.
You didn't murder someone,
what'd you do?
All right, listen, get in here.
You guys ever see the movie
Snow Falling on Cedars?
No.
- Never seen that.
- I love that movie.
What happened was is that I took a video
camera into the movie and I bootleg it.
They was waiting right outside the exit.
They got me.
- You did 10 years for video piracy?
- Yeah.
- They take that shit so serious, man.
- Not that seriously.
We've been taking murder advice...
...from some guy whose biggest crime
is taping an Ethan Hawke movie.
- So you do know the movie.
- I know who's in it.
Everyone knows the movie. That's not
the point. You tricked us, Motherfuck--
Hang on a second, something doesn't
stack up quite right with this, all right?
So you just call yourself a video pirate,
right? Pirating the high seas of videocy?
Why do you carry a gun on you,
Mr. Video Pirate?
- A gun?
- Yeah.
- I don't wanna see it.
- It's my cell phone.
- It's a Sidekick. I'm gonna be in the car.
- Oh, shit.
You grab at it like a gun and you confuse
people. Goddamn it, I feel like a moron.
- Let's go.
- You are a moron.
Look, you don't go into a bar and
hand a guy $5000 just because he black.
- It was never a black-white thing.
- No, come on.
Let's go. Come on. Dale.
Y'all motherfuckers crazy.
Okay.
Looks pretty quiet, yeah?
Yeah, it does. Okay, tape recorder's ready
to roll, I got some fresh batteries in here.
It was a pretty big investment so I should
be the one who does the tape-recording.
- No way. No, I'll do it.
- You're gonna do it?
You'll have to duct-tape that
to your chest.
I can't tape this to my chest.
I have hair on chest.
Just put it in your pocket.
Not gonna tape it to his chest.
So, what do we do? Wait for him to come
home, we grab a office chair or something?
One of us gets in the chair, spins around
and dramatically confronts him.
- I'm in the chair.
- Nick's in the chair.
- Why are you in the chair?
- He's my boss.
Maybe we should get three chairs
and all spin around at the same time.
Confront him like that.
That's not intimidating,
that's like a musical number.
Watch out for the cat.
Surprise!
Okay. It's a false alarm.
Just mingle, mingle, mingle.
Hi. Who are you?
Come inside. Close that door. Hurry.
Um, okay. Now, wait a minute.
You're the young man who helped Dave
out on the street the other night.
- That's him.
- Yeah, that's who I am.
- How is he?
- He is great, thanks to you. Thank you.
- Did I invite you?
- You did and you didn't.
I work with your husband. We're late.
- These are my plus-twos.
- He's in the garage.
Oh, we should hide.
Everybody, come on in.
- Someone get the lights.
- Get down, get down, get down.
I'm Kurt, by the way. I didn't
get a chance to introduce myself at the door.
- Oh, hey, Rhonda. Hi. Hi.
- Hi, Rhonda. Very nice to meet you.
Nick didn't tell me
his boss was married to a model.
Ha, ha. Yeah, not a model.
When did you quit?
Surprise!
Goddamn it! God, I hate that!
We got you, huh, honey?
- So you were surprised?
- Yeah.
Look, sweetie, everybody's here.
I'm gonna put my stuff down.
She knows I hate surprises.
I think we got him. Ha, ha.
We got him good.
Okay.
He's gone off on his own.
This is our chance.
- You guys ready?
- Yeah, very ready.
- Stay close, okay?
- Mm-hm.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Harken.
I cannot believe my wife invited you.
What are you doing here?
Come to stab me a few more times?
- We know what you did.
- Well, what does that mean?
We were there. We saw you kill him.
Really?
So, what is this, then?
Your little shakedown?
You think that you can blackmail me...
...because you saw me
kill my wife's lover?
Say his name!
What?
The man you killed, you say his name.
Pellit? Trust me, Pellit's name
means nothing anymore.
There it is. Thank you. Let's do it, guys.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Hang on. Where the fuck is Kurt?
I killed Pellit.
Hold that thought,
I'm missing my friend Kurt.
I walked right up to his door, I put
a gun in his chest and I shot him.
Then you know what? You know
what I did after that? I shot him again.
And let me tell you something.
I liked it.
So if you think
that I'm some sort of pussy...
...who won't do exactly the same thing
to a couple of lame-assed blackmailers...
...think again.
Know who thinks you're a pussy?
My friend Kurt. Let me grab him.
You are pathetic, Hendricks.
You walk into my house on
my goddamn birthday and pull this shit.
Well, let me tell you something.
You're dead.
You and you.
- And...?
- Kurt.
Kurt. Dead men.
I didn't know it was your birthday.
What's he doing?
- What do you got?
- Getting my gun. Only take a second.
- I'll get the car.
- I'll go.
We had him, we had the whole goddamn
thing. What the fuck happened to Kurt?
- Hey!
- There you are.
Where were you?
My, uh, stomach was bothering me.
Had to use the bathroom.
He confessed everything,
now he's getting his gun.
- Kurt, what happened there?
- Oh, uh...
...she was giving me a tour
of the mouth-- House.
- Ow! What are you--?
- Get in the car. Right now.
- Knock it off.
- Come on.
Look, I wasn't thinking, okay? I'm sorry.
She's just very hot. And I'm weak.
I'm a weak, weak man, okay?
I admit it.
- Back it up, back it up.
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
- They found my DNA.
- Back it up.
Go backwards. Go backwards.
See? They found your poop brush.
- You are obsessed with your asshole!
- No, I'm not. It was a prank, Dale.
Shut it down. Let's start talking about
where we're gonna live.
- The current situation won't work.
- There'll be cops everywhere.
You talking about fleeing?
Damn right.
I'm talking about Canada or Mexico.
I can't live in Mexico.
I mean, I can't handle the food.
My digestion alone-- I'll probably die.
- You'd rather be in jail the rest of your life?
- Shut the fuck up.
I'm getting a call. I gotta get this.
Hello?
Hello, lover.
Uh, look, Julia,
now's not a good time to talk.
-Hey, I'm not here.
- That's okay.
I actually meant to
call your home phone.
You know, tell Stacy about us.
- No, don't do that. Wait. Wait.
- We'll learn the metric system.
We gotta buy coats and sweaters
and learn hockey and all that shit.
No, I think I've waited long enough, Dale.
I'm sort of tired of you
toying with my emotions.
I'm not playing with you.
I'm not toying with you. I'm gonna
take care of it. I'm gonna take care of it.
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you gonna do to me?
- I'm gonna have sex with you.
- What?
I want you to give me details, you pussy.
And please be explicit.
Details? I'm in a car with people.
Now is not a good time for details.
-I don't care if it's not a great time.
- Okay, fine.
I'm gonna make you feel good.
You know?
With my fingers and my tongue
and whatnot.
I know you can do better than that.
All right, I'm gonna put my penis
in your pussy, Julia.
Oh, boy, that's gonna get me done.
What the fuck was that?
- What the fuck?
- That's Harken. Lose him.
- Oh, my God!
- Get out of here.
Look, careful.
Hey, are you gonna slap me in the face
with your cock, Dale?
Yes, I'll slap you in the face
with my cock!
- This guy's fucking crazy.
- Slap you all over your face with my cock!
- Don't get in a wreck.
- It's go time.
Okay. More, Dale.
I will go up and down on you...
...and I'll rub my naked butt
against your naked butt...
...until it's raw and red...
...and we're both really chafed up
real bad.
Not good. Get us out of here!
Get us out of here!
I got it, I got it.
- Come on.
- I'll spit on your arms and stuff.
-What else?
- And then I'm gonna...
...jam my skull
into the crack of your ass!
Yeah, baby. In the crack of your ass.
And I'll dance on your boobies,
and I'll jump up and down on your butt.
Ah. I'll see you Friday, dirty bird.
Good. Friday. See you Friday.
Nice job fucking the crazy
out of her, Kurt!
Maybe I should have been
dancing on her boobs, huh?
Maybe you should have.
That was very good driving, by the way.
Thank you very much.
-Good evening, Mr. Buckman.
- Yeah, hey, Gregory. How are you?
Our onboard sensors
report you've had a collision.
That's because
we have a crazy man that hit us.
I will alert the authorities
and direct them to your location.
Don't call the cops.
They're already after us.
No, Gregory, they think we murdered
someone, all right? Do not call the cops.
What's going on?
Why you slowing down, Kurt?
Whoa. Oh, no, no, no. I didn't do that.
No, the engine died.
-I remotely disabled your engine.
- What?
It is standard Nav Guide protocol...
...whenever a driver
has committed a crime.
I pay 19 bucks a month
for this fucking service.
Remain with your vehicle.
The police will be arriving shortly.
Gregory, I thought you were
our fucking friend, man!
Get out of the car, all of you.
Come on. Come on.
- Remember I saved your life that one time?
- Shut up.
- Just take it easy with that--
- Shut up.
I got six bullets in this gun.
Which means I can shoot all of you
twice, just like that bastard Pellit...
...if I really wanted to,
but I'm not gonna.
You're not gonna shoot us twice
or not gonna shoot us?
Shut up.
I got a better idea. I'm gonna tell
the cops that you killed Pellit.
And when I found out,
you tried to kill me to shut me up.
- That's crazy.
- Is it?
Because I don't see one shred
of evidence that proves that I shot Pellit.
And besides, I'm the guy
with the bullet in his leg.
What?
God, that hurts so much.
Son of a bitch.
- Catch!
- No, don't ca--!
- Goddamn it, Dale.
- You see?
You can't win a marathon without
putting some Band-Aids on your nipples.
- What does that mean?
- Watch this.
- Everybody freeze!
- Police!
Drop the gun! On your knees!
Thank God.
Officers, thank God you're here.
These guys, they shot me.
- That's not true!
- That's bullshit!
I found out they murdered someone.
They tried to shut me up.
Please protect me from them.
I have a wife and a cat!
All right, take it easy.
Call for an ambulance.
- Hey, what is this?
- It's nothing. It's just a tape recorder.
Oh, shit! It's a tape recorder!
- A tape recorder. Did you turn that off?
- No, it's been recording!
- So listen to us, officer.
- Hands up!
Listen to us for one second.
He confessed to killing Pellit.
He said he shot him twice...
...and he was gonna shoot us once
or twice. He was unclear about that.
- You are insane.
- Just play the tape.
But all those people are just right outside.
Your balls are so smooth.
Wait a minute. Is that my wife?
No, no. Of course not, no.
Let's move past that.
--jam my skull
into the crack of your ass!
I'll dance on your boobies,
and jump up and down on your butt.
What the fuck is this?
Don't judge. I have a thing with my boss.
It's none of your business.
If you could get to the end...?
There's nothing on here.
- Shit!
- What happened?
Thing must have stopped
when we crashed.
Before this guy
supposedly confessed?
I told you, these guys are liars.
They cannot be trusted.
They shot me in the leg, killed a guy.
- He shot himself.
- I don't need to hear anything else.
- Cuff them.
- Oh, my God.
- You don't need to cuff us.
- My God, we're going to jail.
We're going to jail. Unbelievable.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
Excuse me? Officers?
I should mention
that it is Nav Guide policy...
...to record all conversations
for quality assurance.
- Who the hell's that?
- That's our Nav Guide rep.
- His name is Almonan.
- Hands up!
- Atmanad.
- Almondmond.
-Atmanad is what it was!
- Atmanand.
Atmand-- Gregory, uh, play what he said.
-Play it just after the crash.
- Very good, sir.
You're not gonna listen to this.
This isn't evidence.
I got six bullets in this gun.
Which means I can shoot all of you
twice, just like that bastard Pellit...
...if I really wanted to,
but I'm not gonna.
- That's it.
- So it was you.
That is not proof. That's just a car.
You're not gonna listen to a car.
Looks like I'm getting that promotion
after all. Yeah.
To answer your question,
that was your wife.
- You fucked my wife?
- I fucked your wife.
Nobody fucks my wife!
Ah.
How you like them nipples?
Did you just do the catchphrase?
-Good Will Hunting.
- Good Will Hunting.
- That's so great.
- Caught it, yeah.
Good Will Hunting rip. Instead of
saying "apples" he said "nipples."
- Felt like a moment.
- And happy birthday.
So in the end,
we didn't wind up going to jail.
Actually, we did later that night
when they booked us.
But since we led the cops to Harken...
...they ultimately agreed
to let our other offenses slide.
Strangely enough, lucky for Kurt...
...there's no laws on the books against
putting people's toiletries up your ass.
Anyway,
with Harken in his new position...
...on all fours in prison for 25 to life,
Comnidyne made me acting president.
It's a great job, I got a solid raise
and I'm actually my own boss.
Well, except for the CEO.
- Morning.
- Oh, morning. You, uh, must be Nick.
- I am.
- Well, it's great to finally meet you.
- You too, Mr. Sherman.
- Please. Lou.
Okay. Lou.
I appreciate the opportunity
you've given me. I won't let you down.
Yeah, I'm sure you won't, son.
From what I hear, people say
he's the nicest guy in the world.
Mr. Sherman,
I'm sorry your coffee was cold.
Uh, Lou?
Most people.
Mr. Sherman, I'm hungry!
Can I come out now, please?
- You hear that?
- No.
Sounds like there's someone
in your trunk.
Why don't we let this
be, uh, our little secret?
I need a shower.
Yeah. Turns out my new boss...
...is a twisted old fuck.
Meanwhile, the Pellit family put the most
senior person in charge of the company...
...which wasn't Kurt.
But he was okay with that.
Because he realized that when you're
the boss, sometimes people want you dead.
- Hey, Kurt. Come in.
- Margie, I wanted to congratulate you.
Thank you.
If there's anything I can do to help out
before the baby gets here, let me know.
- What baby?
- Your baby.
- I'm not pregnant.
- So I'm just touching you?
Ay.
Julia.
I was thinking perhaps
we could drill the patient first.
And Dale?
Ultimately, he decided his only choice
was to screw Julia after all.
You just continue to surprise me...
...you dirty, dirty little man.
Just you wait.
You like that, Dale?
- You like that, Dale?
- Oh, my God, yeah.
Oh.
Oh, gosh, do I wish
I could have sex with Julia.
What?
I'm so sorry, but I couldn't keep it
together! It's amazing!
- She was talking to your penis!
- Who are you?
Julia, this is my good friend,
Kenny Sommerfeld.
Most Likely to Succeed.
- Give me some of that.
- Don't you touch me.
Now, Kenny here, he'll do
just about anything for 50 bucks.
- Yeah, it's true.
- Yeah, and it's not pretty.
But that's why I asked him
to help me frame you.
Really? Is this all you've got?
Your word against mine?
Don't forget about that guy.
Say hi to my cameraman.
He's filmed a lot of Hollywood hits.
You are a sick little bastard.
You are a sick little bastard.
Shut the fuck up for a second.
Julia, shut the fuck up for a second,
all right?
Now, here's what's gonna happen, okay?
I'm going to take a very nice,
very expensive...
...two-week vacation with my fiancée.
Let's call it a honeymoon, all right?
And you are gonna pay for it.
Then I'm going to return
to a rape-free workplace, all right?
Because if you so much as look
at my sexy little ass, Julia...
...I will have yours locked the fuck up...
...you crazy bitch whore!
Ah, that felt good.
How's the hair? Is it good, is it great?
It's not as bad as his, is it?
I had no idea that you called
your grandmother "Gam Gam."
Calm down!
Oh!
Holy shit. He went out the door.
This place is awful. It's like
The Sharper Image took a shit in here.
Five forty with the briefcase.
Oh, shut up about the briefcase.
Gonna put that "briefcabe" up my ass.
'm gonna put that briefcase up my ass!
A dancin' girl
- You're good? He's good.
- Yeah, I'm okay.
Or else little Stacy here's
gonna get a little peek...
...at my photo album.
One more. Let's fix this.
Have you ever in your life
seen this much co--?
Pee, pee, pee, pee on the--
Let's--
Now I'm sneezing dust bunnies.
Is that diabetes?
I'm a pharmacist, not a doctor.
Is that my brain?
Take my temperature.
Have you any, uh, roofies?
I want a lollipop.
Do you like karaoke?
Do you have MDMA?
I'll suck your d--
Shit happens.
What is your projected outside date
of completion, Motherfucker?
Give me that again.
- Oh, hi! Hi! Hello.
- Hi.
Come on, what are you--?
Wouldn't mind bending her over a barrel
and showing her the 50 states.
I don't know what that means.
- It's a phrase.
- I don't think so.
Yeah, it is. It certainly is.
Yeah, it definitely is.
- Really?
- Yeah, it's from a movie.
Mm-mm.
It is now.
Beautiful.
Category:Transcripts