The CN Short

The CN Short was a planned short for "I hate my child." It was decided by Then bends that it would be released standalone to the series due to him never reading the show, meaning that some of the characters may be written out of characters, along with Then bends self-insert and TOU Violations. In this thing, the gang meets CN.
== Transcript ==
WRITTEN BETWEEN MAY 24-25, 2024.
* [The episode begins. Email draft]
*Zoltan: DUSJSDJJDSJASJAKDLASKLDSAKJLSD
*[Jesus Christ of Nazareth Holy Son of God Our Lord and Saviour appears]
*Jesus Christ: Hi.
*[The background explodes. Zoltan is now in 17th century China]
*Zoltan: I got a feeling I’m not in Bajookieland anymore.
*Chinese Guy: 您是《恶搞之家》的粉丝吗？
*Zoltan: 好吧，你知道他们说什么：即使在我的路易斯，我仍然有一个恶搞之家.
*[Zoltan walks away. The chinese guy gets killed by a train in the background.]
*Zoltan: Gee, China is great! But I miss my real home…
*[Zoltan pulls a photo out of his ass. It’s still covered in shit and everything. It’s not even a photo of his house. It’s a photo of a friggin’ McDonald’s]
*Zoltan: Oh hey, this photo’s dirty.
*[Zoltan licks the photo clean]
*Zoltan: Nothing’s like the taste of home…
*[Zoltan keeps on walking. An elderly man that looks like the Hobo from SMG4 walks by]
*Zoltan: Erm, Exsqueeze me, ma’am. Do you know where I can find a McDonald's around here?
* Hobo: 滚蛋
* Zoltan: As expected.
*[Zoltan continues to walk through 17th-century China, when he bumps into CartoonGuy]
*CartoonGuy: Hey, Zoltan, what are you doing in 17th-century China?
* Zoltan: What are you doing in 17th-century China?
*CartoonGuy: I dunno. Just thought I’d hop by.
*Zoltan: Well, I’m looking for a McDonald’s.
*CartoonGuy: There's one right past the Great Wall. Just take a left and ask for Luigi.
*Zoltan: You’re the best!
*[Zoltan skips away like a little girl. CartoonGuy looks at the camera]
*CartoonGuy: He’ll never find it…
*[Cut to Zoltan walking throughout China. He’s just reached Tiananmen Square]
*Zoltan: Oh hey, what’s this?
*[Zoltan, looking to his left, sees a man standing in front of two tanks. Zoltan walks up to him]
*Zoltan: Hey, Apple! (Clears through) I mean, uh, 嗨，苹果!
*Tank Man: 老兄! 我有点 在某事中间...
*[Zoltan, obliviously, doesn’t notice the tanks]
*Zoltan: 附近有麦当劳吗？
*Tank Man: 老兄，你现在是在17世纪的中国。你怎么看，聪明人。
*Zoltan: 你说得对...
*[Zoltan mopes away.]
* Narrator: Later…
*Zoltan: This place needs more drive-thrus.
*[Then bends suddenly appears, holding a bouquet of flowers]
*Then bends: HAIII ZOLTAN!!!!!!
*[Zoltan blankly stares]
*Then bends: Were the flowers too much?
*Zoltan: No, sorry. I’m just reminiscing about fast food.
*Then bends: I brought fries!
*Zoltan: Gee, thanks!
*Then bends: (blushes) Awee, you didn’t have to do that!
*[Zoltan and Then bends sit on a bench]
* Zoltan: (eating a fry) These are cold.
*[Cut to the set of Talking Tom and Ben News. Cactus and 7 Grand Dad are there]
* Cactus: Where the hell are we?
*7 Grand Dad: That’s not important. What’s important is figuring out where we are!
*Cactus: I just said that!.
*[7 Grand Dad shoots Cactus]
*7 Grand Dad: That’s what you get for not being sigma…
*[Suddenly, a wrecking ball comes in through one of the walls. Zoltan and Then bends are on it.]
*Then bends: Oh, hey down there!
*7 Grand Dad: WHAT THE- I- HOW DID YOU GET THERE?!
*Zoltan: It’s a long story.
*[7 Grand Dad looks outside]
*7 Grand Dad: WHY ARE WE IN CHINA!
*Then bends: 17th-century China!
*7 Grand Dad: D’oh! It doesn’t matter.
*Then bends: Hop on!
*[7 Grand Dad joins the two. They accidentally destroy the Great Wall.]
*Zoltan: Man, history is weird.
*[Cut to a medieval-style McDonald's. The sign reads "McDonald's - Serving Peasants and Emperors since 221 BC".]
*7 Grand Dad: Oh, come on! Why can’t I come in?
*Zoltan: I don’t know. Ask the writers.
*[Cut to inside.]
*Medieval Cashier: 欢迎光临麦当劳，您想点什么？
*Zoltan: I'll have a Big Mac, and... what do you want, Then bends?
*Then bends: Oh, just a Happy Meal. With extra fries, please.
*Medieval Cashier: 那将是8先令.
*Zoltan: You guys don’t take credit?
*[Tympup (a). Cut to later]
*Zoltan: This tastes… retro.
*Then bends: Hey, Zoltan! I got you a gift!
*[Then bends pulls out a McDonald's toy from the Happy Meal. It's a tiny figurine of Zoltan.]
*Zoltan: Wow, they got my nose right.
* Hobo: 你们不能在这里吃饭！这是我的地盘，小伙子。
*Zoltan: 吃是什么意思？我们没有吃饭，我们只是——
*Then bends: 接吻！
*[The two leave through the hole the Hobo made. Cut back to Talking Tom and Ben News.]
*7 Grand Dad: Why am I back here?
*[7 Grand Dad looks around]
*7 Grand Dad: At least I’m not in China!
*[The lights go out. Fazbear]
*7 Grand Dad: HOLY SHIT!
*[Cactus grows legs and walks out of the building.]
* Cactus: I should probably go to a hospital.
*[Cactus explodes. Cut to Zoltan and Then bends. They are currently in the hellish landscape dimension of Ohio]
*Zoltan: What the hell am I looking at?
* Then bends: A giant stack of Doritos…
*[Zoltan gets a phone call]
*Zoltan: Y’ello?
*[Funny phone sound effect]
*Zoltan: Cactus is in the hospital? Oh, okay.
*[Zoltan hangs up. He throws the phone far away, with it landing on a land mine, causing an le epic explosion]
*Zoltan: Welp, Cactus is in the hospital.
*Then bends: Isn’t he or she, or whatever it is an object?
* Zoltan: Yeah. Do we care?
*Then bends: Not really.
*Zoltan: Let’s roll!
*[Zoltan and Then bends walk into a blue police box. It’s actually a RE-TARDIS]
*Zoltan: Oh, what do you know!
*Then bends: I thought this only happened in movies.
*[They travel to the hospital]
*Zoltan: Say, where even is this hospital?
*[Then bends looks around, and finds a sign.]
*Then bends: Forget it, Zoltan. It's Chinatown.
*Zoltan: Oh.
*[Cut to inside the hospital]
*7 Grand Dad: I guess I was in China after all… sort of…
*Cactus: You guys... are the worst friends... ever.
*Zoltan: Hey, we came all this way to see you. That counts for something, right?
*Cactus: Yeah, no.
*Then bends: Ungrateful…
*[CartoonGuy checks his watch]
*CartoonGuy: Well, I’ve gotta go.
*Zoltan: Where?
*CartoonGuy: That isn’t important.
* [CartoonGuy jumps out of the window]
*Zoltan: What happened to you anyway?
*Cactus: I got shot!
*[All gaps]
* Cactus: And I also exploded.
*Zoltan: Oh, okay.
*7 Grand Dad: Happens to the best of us!
*Then bends: Happened to my buddy Eric the other day.
*Zoltan: So, do you need anything, Cactus? Water? A new pot?
*Cactus: I need some porn!
*Zoltan: Creep…
* [Cut to static.]
* Hello, I’m a Decent Meal! Please: The following section breaks the Fandom TOU. Therefore, we can’t show it.
*[Censored for breaking Fandom’s TOU.]
* [Pause]
*Zoltan: Maybe I should get a newer camera.
* [Cut to the waiting room]
*Then bends: How much longer do I have to wait here? If I have to wait here for my second I’ll-
*[Then bends looks at himself]
*Then bends: I’ll take my hat off!
*[Suddenly, Zoltan comes by, in a medical outfit]
*Zoltan: Good news!
*7 Grand Dad: What is it?
*Zoltan: (pulls two bags of gummy bears from his pocket) $1 for two bags of gummy bears! It’s like, I don’t care what happens for the rest of the day!
*[Then bends blankly stares, as Zoltan sits down]
* Zoltan: You know, this hospital could use some interior decorating. Maybe a few plants.
*7 Grand Dad: I agree!
*[7 Grand Dad stands on his chair and jumps into a noose]
*Then bends: Zoltan, have you ever thought about settling down? (Then bends flashes his eyebrows like Road Runner)
*Zoltan: Every day. Then I remember that I hate my child!
*[Andrew Martin Kolstee walks in. For simplicity’s sake, I’ll refer to him as AMK152.]
*AMK152: So, who wants Pizza?
*[Transition to Later]
*Then bends: This pizza tastes like regret.
*AMK152: It’s a family recipe.
*Zoltan: You mean it’s been in your family for centuries?
*AMK152: No, I mean my family regrets making it.
*[Awkward silence. Cut to Cactus’s hospital room. The doctor enters, holding a clipboard.]
*Doctor: Good news, Cactus. You’re going to live.
*Cactus: Damn.
*Doctor: You seem disappointed.
*Cactus: Well, I was kinda hoping for an escape.
* Zoltan: You can always escape from reality. Write fanfiction on the intern. That’s what most people do.
*Then bends: It’s like that one film, “Cyberfools”. “In an alternate universe where-”
*Cactus: Don’t start.
*[They walk away]
*Zoltan: Hey, Cactus. We brought you something.
*Cactus: If it’s AMK’s pizza, you can leave it at the door. Last time I ate that there was ball hair in it.
*Then bends: THAT WASN’T JUST REGULAR HAIR?!?!
*Zoltan: No, you silly. It’s this tiny cactus.
*Cactus: Wow. You really understand me.
*7 Grand Dad: We try.
*Cactus: Try harder.
*Then bends: You talk more junk than Sanford sells. Ungrateful BASTARD!
*Cactus: Newgen!
*Then bends: I’m not even a newgen! I joined in 2021 why does nobody know that?
*[Pause]
* Zoltan: Pff… Welp
*Then bends: So, what do we do now?
*Cactus: You could leave. That would be nice.
*7 Grand Dad: We can’t. We’re contractually obligated to stay until the end of this scene.
*Cactus: Damn syndication deals.
*Then bends: Hey, I can tell jokes! How many licks does it take to get to the center of a clammy pop?
*Cactus: Don’t tell me this is going where I think it’s
*Then bends: CLAMETY EIGHT!
*Cactus: OH FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!
*[Cut to the cafeteria of Donald Trump Elementary school. The sign reads “COME SEE MY HAIRY ARMPITS.”]
*Zoltan: Why do we have to stay here?
*Then bends: I don’t know. It’s nice though.
*[A piece of moldy pizza falls on the table. A cockamouse comes by and eats it]
*Then bends: Maybe it’s not so nice.
*7 Grand Dad: What do you think the chances are we get out of this with any dignity?
*Then bends: Oh, can it! My dignity died with my Grandpa.
*Zoltan: When would that be?
*Then bends: He’s still alive.
* [A tumbleweed rolls by]
*Then bends: So, what do you want to do now?
*Zoltan: I’m considering not doing anything for a while.
*7 Grand Dad: Understandable.
*Zoltan: Why are we even here?
*Then bends: Because it’s summer, and someone forgot to lock the doors.
*Zoltan: Right. So, technically, we’re trespassing.
*7 Grand Dad: That makes it sound way cooler than it actually is.
*[Blue Janitor Dude appears]
*Blue Janitor Dude: Shouldn’t you kids be somewhere else?
*Zoltan: We’re not kids. We’re just… very immature adults. Like that movie Grown Ups.
*Blue Janitor Dude: Oh, okay. Carry on.
* [Blue Janitor Dude walks away]
* Zoltan: I’ve never seen Grown Ups.
*[Cut to black]
==Paper's Bonus==
*[This entire section has been removed due to multiple severe violations of Fandom’s Terms of Use.]
==CartoonGuy Playz in December==
*[Opening Shot. The Krusty Krab in December Max Design Pro and his friend Gegagedigedagedago sneak into the Krusty Krab at night in an attempt to hide from CartoonGuy]
*Max Design Pro: Okay, Gegagedigedagedago,We need the perfect hiding spot.
*Gegagedigedagedago: Gegagedig! (Got it, Max. But, uh, can we maybe find a hiding spot that's not freezing?)
*Max Design Pro: Don’t worry, this place has plenty of spots. I’m as sure of that as I’m as sure as other thing.
*[Max opens a door, which turns out to be the freezer.]
*Gegagedigedagedago: Gegagedig! (This seems like a good spot)
*Max Design Pro: (shakes his head, like he does in his videos) Are you sure, man? It’s pretty cold.
*Gegagedigedagedago: Gegagedig! (Omega sure. CartoonGuy will never find me here.)
*Max Design Pro: Okay, bro, let's hide you in there. But keep quiet, okay? We don't want CartoonGuy to hear us.
*[Gegagedigedagedago walks into the freezer]
*CartoonGuy (offscreen): Ready or not, here comes the tickle monster! I mean, uh, here I come!
*[CartoonGuy heads into Mr. Krab’s Office]
*Gegagedigedagedago: Gegagedigedagedago! (This was a stupid idea! I’ve gotta get out!)
*[Gegagedigedagedago desperately tries to open the door, but to no avail. Max Design Pro, who is hiding behind a cabinet, hears his pleas]
*Max Design Pro: Gegagedigedagedago, stay calm! I'll get you out of there.
*[Max Design Pro approaches the freezer door, only to find it locked]
*Max Design Pro: Oh no, it's locked! Gegagedigedagedago, can you find anything inside to help unlock the door?
*[Gegagedigedagedago looks at the camera, and asks the viewers to like the video]
*Gegagedigedagedago: Help me!
*[Thankfully, the viewer likes the video. Gegagedigedagedago is able to find a metal rod.]
*Gegagedigedagedago: Gegagedig! (Here, try using this to push the latch!)
*[Max Design Pro gets the rod through the vents and pushes the latch. Gegagedigedagedago is free]
*Gegagedigedagedago: Gegagedigedagedago! Abin mery alontamago! Wede wude comfrom? Wede wude go? Wede jude kamfro Bagulado!
*[CartoonGuy comes in]
*CartoonGuy: Found you!
*Max Design Pro: Aw, tartar sauce!
*[Suddenly, Zoltan and friends walk in]
*Zoltan: So, kids what did we learn today?
*Cactus: That Then bends’ writing sucks?.
*Then bends: That Paperand OJ are super gay?
*Zoltan: No, you silly! We learned to never judge a book by its cover. Just because someone seems tough or strange doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings too.
*CartoonGuy: And never trust a talking cactus with your secrets.
*All: Amen!
*[Pause. Money Trees starts to play.]
*All: Uh, me and my HOMIES tryna get it, ya bish (ya bish, ya bish)
*Marge Simpson: Homey?
*All: Hit the house lick, tell me, is you wit' it, ya bish? (Ya bish, ya bish) Home invasion was persuasive (was persuasive, was persuasive) From nine to five I know it's vacant, ya bish (ya bish, ya bish) Dreams of livin' life like rappers do (like rappers do, like rappers do) Back when [BLEEP] wrappers wasn't cool (they wasn't cool, they wasn't cool) I fucked Sherane and went to tell my bros (tell my bros, tell my bros) Then Usher Raymond "Let It Burn" came on ("Let Burn" came on, "Let Burn" came on) Hot sauce all in our Top Ramen, ya bish (ya bish, ya bish) Park the car, then we start rhymin', ya bish (ya bish, ya bish) The only thing we had to free our mind (free our mind, free our mind) Then freeze that verse when we see dollar signs (see dollar signs, see dollar signs) You lookin' like an easy come-up, ya bish (ya bish, ya bish) A silver spoon, I know you come from, ya bish (ya bish, ya bish) And that's a lifestyle that we never knew (we never knew, we never knew) Go at a reverend for the revenue It go Halle Berry or hallelujah.
*[The episode begins to fade out]
*All: Pick your poison, tell me what you doin…
*[End.]