Episode 418: Christopher Reeve/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 418: Christopher Reeve.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Christopher Reeve? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Christopher.
Chris 	Oh, thanks a lot, Scooter. Hey listen, can you tell me what these rats are doing in my dressing room?
 	
Scooter	I think it's the fox trot.
Chris 	Gee, most starts get groupies. I get rats. (grins)
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Christopher Reeve! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	200px
Statler	You know, if this show was an airplane, it would have been grounded. (laughs with Waldorf)
 	
 	When Gonzo blows his trumpet, he becomes surrounded by rats.
Gonzo 	Aw, rats.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause, dressed in a robe.
 	
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Hi ho, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And do we have a show for you! Well, as a matter of fact, we do. (nods) Yes, and our guest star tonight is none other than that fantastic film star, the man who plays Superman, Mr. Christopher Reeve! (audience aahs) Yes. But, right now it's opening number time, and the opening number happens to star me — which is why I'm dressed this way. So, uh, what can I say but, uh, let's hear it for me, yaay!
 	
 	On a set dressed as a swamp, Kermit, dressed in a leisure suit, joins some frogs and an alligator singing "Disco Frog". Kermit hops among the lily pads in full-body shots with the help of puppeteers dressed in black.
Waldorf	I liked that tune, how about you?
Statler	I like New York in June, how about you?
Both 	(humming "How About You")
==Backstage==
 	Kermit and the frogs come backstage, where there is a telephone booth.
Kermit 	Okay, way to go, frogs. Nice going, alligators, and not bad, me. (looks over the rundown) Nope, not too terrifically terrible.
 	Piggy enters through the stage door.
Miss Piggy	I'm back. I'm back, everyone. Oh, Kermie. Kermie? Oh, I'm back.
Kermit 	Hey Piggy, where have you been? 'Cause the show has already started.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Kermie. Well, I-I just stepped out to pick up a costume for my number tonight.
Kermit 	Oh yeah. Well, what's so special about this number?
Miss Piggy	Oh, well Kermie — I am singing "Never Before".
Kermit 	Oh. Oh yeah, mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy	Remember? In The Muppet Movie? I sang it to vous.
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
 	
Miss Piggy	It was so romantic. In the moonlight. Oh, Kermie. (embraces him) Remember? Remember? Oh. We snuggled together.
Kermit 	Mm-hmm. Ah. Uh, Piggy, you'll get to sing the song again right after the guest star spot.
Miss Piggy	Oh, good. Well, who's the guest star?
Kermit 	Uh, Christopher Reeve.
 	She drops Kermit to the floor, then picks him up.
Miss Piggy	Christopher Reeve? Christopher "Perfect Body" Reeve?
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
 	She throws Kermit to the wall and runs off.
Miss Piggy	Oh! Chrissy! Chrissy, I'm coming!
Kermit 	Uh, gee. She never called me "Perfect Body".
==Scene from Hamlet==
 	Main stage. Gonzo peeks from behind the curtain, with a bandaged nose.
Gonzo 	Kermit! Where's Kermit? Kermit!
Kermit 	Gonzo?! You're supposed to be doing the first act of William Shakespeare's Hamlet while hanging from your nose!
 	
Gonzo 	I can't go on.
Kermit 	Why not?
Gonzo 	I sprained my nose.
Kermit 	Well, how did that happen?
Gonzo 	Rehearsing with heavy shoes.
Kermit 	But, uh, listen, we — we rented the scenery and the costumes and everything. Scooter!
Scooter 	Yeah, boss?
Kermit 	Do we have anybody else backstage that can play Hamlet?
Scooter 	Well, there's Chris Reeve. He's real good. And he's not busy until Vet's Hospital.
Kermit 	Good thought. Just stall for me, would you?
Scooter 	Stall?
Kermit 	Chris?
 	Kermit runs backstage and encounters Chris reading a comic book with the rats.
Kermit 	Oh, it's Christopher Reeve! Yeah!
 	Applause.
Chris 	Hey, Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh, listen. Are you doing anything special right now, Chris?
Chris 	No, I'm just hanging around the phone booth in case trouble breaks out.
 	
Kermit 	Uh, heh-heh, yeah. Well listen, it just did. And I was wondering if you'd like to fill in for Gonzo's Hamlet spot.
Chris 	Hamlet?
Kermit 	Mm-hmm. Wouldn't you like to play Hamlet?
Chris 	No.
Kermit 	But, every actor wants to play Hamlet.
Chris 	No, not really.
Kermit 	Well, this is your big chance then!
Chris 	Okay!
Kermit 	Yeah, but you'll have to wear tights.
Chris 	Hm. (aside) Well, it won't be the first time. Okay. (stands in front of the phone booth) Oh. Maybe I should change. (wink)
 	He enters the phone booth, ducks down, and re-emerges dressed in Shakespearean garb.
Chris 	I am ready. You may introduce me, my good frog.
Kermit 	(stammers) Uh, yes sir. Right.
 	Kermit runs back onstage.
Kermit 	Okay, thank you very much, Scooter. (shoves him away)
Scooter 	You're welcome.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, the soliloquy from Hamlet. And filling in for the ailing Great Gonzo, here is the equally great — if not better or possibly only a little worse than — Mr. Christopher Reeve, yaaay!
 	The curtain opens on a castle. Chris emerges to a fanfare. Fozzie sits inside with a reference book.
Chris 	To be, or not to be. That is the... um...
Fozzie 	"Question".
Chris 	Not now.
Fozzie 	No, no, no, that's your line.
Chris 	I know. Ahem. To be or not to be — that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune…
 	He mimics removing an arrow from his chest. Beauregard enters with a skull.
Beauregard 	Excuse me, Mr. Hamlet. Do you want this now?
 	
Chris 	Upon what grounds do you disturb my soliloquy?
Beauregard 	Well, it's time for my coffee break.
Chris 	Coffee grounds? Argh!
Beauregard 	Please don't be mad, Mr. Hamlet.
Chris 	I'm not mad. I'm acting. Let me see. (takes skull) Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.
Fozzie 	Uh, terrific.
Chris 	A fellow of infinite jest. Ha! And most excellent fancy. (sets down the skull)
Yorick 	Fancy? Ma always said I was the plain one.
Chris 	And, ahem, he hath borne me on his back a thousand times.
Yorick 	Well, if you ask me, I'm still carrying the whole scene. Why don't you guys sing?
Chris 	Hamlet doesn't sing.
Link 	Hey, I can sing.
Chris 	You're not Hamlet.
Link 	Oh, no. Well, listen. Hamlet was my nickname back when I was a little porker. (laughs)
Yorick 	Listen, I don't usually perform with amateurs.
Chris 	Amateurs, eh? Ha! I'll show you.
 	He takes the skull and tosses it through a basket.
Link 	Oh, good shot!
 	Fozzie picks up the skull.
Fozzie 	Wow! Hey, that's Hamlet: 2, audience: nothing. Hey guys, I really don't think we're ready for Shakespeare.
Yorick 	Yeah well, he's not ready for you either.
Link 	(laughs)
Fozzie 	Song cue!
Chris / Link / Yorick	You're welcome!
 	
 	They all proceed with a rendition of "Brush Up Your Shakespeare".
Waldorf 	You know, I'll always regret that I didn't study Shakespeare when I was a kid.
Statler 	When you were a kid, you could have talked to Shakespeare. (cracks up)
==Dressing room==
Kermit	Oh, let's see. I'd better tell Piggy that her Vet's Hospital sketch is coming up next. Oh, her door is ajar.
Piggy 	Oh, Christopher. You great, big, beautiful hunk, you. Foo-Foo, do you have mumsie's autographed picture of Chrissy? Come, bring to mumsie. C'mon Foo-foo-kins. Yes, that's a good dog. Come to mumsie. Oh. Give to mumsie. Oh, what a goodums, doggie.
Kermit	I don't believe this.
Piggy 	Mwah! Let's see now, where can we put his picture? Um, there's no place. Ha, what a clever little Foo-Foo. Oh, Christopher. Oh, you beautiful brute.
Kermit	Gee. She never called me a beautiful brute.
==Muppet Newsflash==
The Newsman	Here is a Muppet News Flash. Police announced today that a killer lamb had escaped from the Department of Agriculture's maximum security sheep station. This lamb is one of a new kind of sheep that has been bred to hunt wolves and is extremely dangerous.
Sheep 	Baa-aa.
Newsman 	Uh, this killer lamb has been trained to attack at the sound of a bell.
 	phone rings
Sheep 	Baa-aa-aa!
Newsman 	Hello?
Sheep 	Baa-aa-aa!
Newsman 	Aaaah!
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
The Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital. The continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	Hey, wait a minute. I'm not supposed to be the patient.
Piggy 	Today you're getting a dose of your own medicine.
Rowlf 	Yeah, but my medicine tastes bad.
Janice 	Well, bad taste never bothered you before.
Rowlf 	Okay, okay. Who's going to be the doctor?
Piggy 	Dr. Reeve! Oh, Chrissy! Chrissy.
Chris 	Sorry I'm late, nurse. My caddy collapsed on the seventeenth hole.
Rowlf 	Hey, listen. What kind of doctor are you anyway?
Chris 	I'm a G.P.
Piggy 	Yes, a Gorgeous Person.
Chris 	Please, Nurse Piggy, stop panting. You're fogging my mirror.
Piggy 	I can't help it. I love you!
Chris 	Thank you. Let's see now. Oh, looks bad. I'm going to operate.
Rowlf 	Oh, no, no.
Chris 	Oh, come now. This won't hurt a bit.
Rowlf 	It'll hurt this bit if you don't get laughs with it.
Chris 	Well, I'm not trying to get laughs. I don't want to set a precedent on the show.
Rowlf 	Touché, touché.
Chris 	Now, just relax. I'll have you fixed in no time.
Rowlf 	Please! Never say "fixed" to a dog.
Chris 	Well, anyway. You won't feel any pain. I'm going to put you to sleep.
Rowlf 	No, never say "put to sleep" to a dog.
Piggy 	This has gone far enough. Chrissy, let's go to the nurse's lounge and...
Chris 	Yes?
Piggy 	Lounge!
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Reeve say...
Chris 	Wait a minute, I'm not going to be here next week.
Piggy 	You mean you're leaving?
Chris 	Faster than a speeding bullet.
Piggy/Janice/Rowlf	Oooooh!
==UK spot==
Sam the Eagle 	Ugh, this show is disgusting. Get away. Get away. I'm going to write to someone important and put a stop to it.
Floyd Pepper 	scatting... tune... croon... they call it "Sam's Song".
Sam 	(writing) "Dear sir, this show is sick and weird."
Floyd 	Catchy as can be, the melody, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam 	That is not my song. I do not have a song.
Floyd/Janice 	Nothing on your mind, and then you find, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam 	"There are —" (to a rat) get off the table! "There are rats here."
Floyd/Janice 	While it makes you grin, gets under your skin, as only a song can do. People that you meet, out on the street, are whistling Sam's Song.
Sam 	Don't whistle! Oh no.
Floyd/Janice 	Everyone you see, will seem to be, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam 	"There is a thing whistling here."
Floyd/Janice/Bo	So forget your trouble and wear a smile, you'll find you'll never go wrong.
Sam 	"I would suggest to have someone come and fumigate..."
Floyd/Janice/Bo	...a happy tune, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam 	"There's a lump playing harmonica." (to the rat) Get away! "There are vermin here."
Floyd/Janice/Bo	So forget your troubles and wear a smile, you'll find you'll never go wrong. If you learn to croon a happy tune, they call it Sam's Song.
Sam 	All right, out, out, out! Get out, all of you!
Sam 	humming "Sam's Song"
Kermit 	Hey, Sam. That's a nice song. What is that?
Sam 	Oh. I don't know. Something called "Fred's Song".
Kermit 	Hmm. That's very pretty.
Sam 	No, it's not.
==Dressing room==
Chris 	Okay, let's see now. Did that one. And... Oh, hey this is going to be good.
Piggy 	Oh, Christopher. May I have a word avec vous?
Chris 	Mais oui, bien ci, entrere.
Piggy 	What?
Chris 	Come in.
Piggy 	Oh, thanks.
Chris 	Listen guys, I'll see you later, okay? Thanks a lot. Bye!
Piggy 	Yucka. Move it! Oh, Christopher!
Chris 	Hi, Miss Piggy.
Piggy 	Yes, you were wonderful in that last sketch.
Chris 	Aw, c'mon.
Piggy 	Tell me, how did you get a job as Superman? Did someone see you lifting weights, or— wha-haa-haa!
Chris 	Huh? Lifting weights? No, no, no. I just auditioned for the part. You know, like a lot of other actors.
Piggy 	Uh-huh.
Chirs 	But, uh, you know, strength really had nothing to do with it.
Piggy 	You're certain about that? Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Chris 	I didn't bring it.
Piggy 	Oh. Pity. Oh, how exciting it is to be in the same dressing room with the world's strongest man.
Chris 	Miss Piggy, come on now, I mean, I tell ya, being strong had nothing to do with getting the part. I mean, I've just been lucky so far. Well, knock on wood. Whoops. Heh.
Piggy 	Christopher?
Chris 	Yeah.
Piggy 	Remember in the movie when you held Lois Lane?
Chris 	Mm-hmm.
Piggy 	Could you use my body as a visual demonstration?
Chris 	Well, I just put my arm around her.
Piggy 	Show me. Yes.
Chris 	Yeah.
Piggy 	And the other arm, where?
Chris 	Yeah, the other arm, too.
Piggy 	And you held her tighter...
Chris 	Well, I had to. Because otherwise she'd fall, right?
Piggy 	Tighter.
Chris 	Yeah. Sort of like that.
Piggy 	Tighter.
Kermit	Uh, uh, excuse me, Chris.
Chris 	Hi, Kermit.
Piggy 	Oh, Kermie! Um. Um. Christopher here was showing me how to... he was... what were you doing?
Chris 	Well, I was just showing her how I held Lois Lane in the movie.
Piggy 	In the movie. Lois Lane. Yes. Mm-hmm.
Kermit	That's the worst explanation I've ever heard.
Chris 	Boy. He looked kind of jealous.
Piggy 	Oh, he always looks jealous. That's his natural color.
=="Toreador"==
	"The Toreador Song"
==Muppet Labs==
Bunsen	Oh! Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today. Well, my assistant Beaker is bringing in Old Bossie here because today we're going to test Muppets Labs' latest invention: the electrically heated milking machine. Yes, cows just love sliding into a warm, cozy milking machine on these frosty mornings, don't they Beaker? Oh, Beakie-poo, that's not funny! You'll get dandruff in the milk. Why, Beaker. You're hauntingly attractive today.
==Piggy's duet==
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is Miss Piggy to sing "Never Before and Never Again", a song that means a lot to the two of us. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Piggy, yaaay!
Piggy 	Never before....
Rowlf 	Ow!
Piggy 	Oh, Rowlfie, I hope I did not hurt your pawsie-wawsies.
Rowlf 	Argh.
Kermit	Piggy, what happened to Rowlf?
Piggy 	Well, I do not know. Someone must have blown a doggie whistle.
Kermit	Well, well, what do we do about a pianist?
Piggy 	Um, do you think possibly Christopher could play piano for me?
Kermit	Why not? He does everything else. Oh, Chris?
Chris 	Now what?
Kermit	Uh, Piggy wants you to play piano for her.
Chris 	Play the piano for her? What do you think, guys? Play the piano? Yeah? Yeah? Okay. I'm game for anything. Boy, I'll tell you something, this is quite a phone booth. How about that, huh?
Kermit	Nice. Nice.
Chris 	Okay. Oh, listen. If anybody calls while I'm out, take a number, I'll call back. Super Rat? You're in charge.
Kermit	Super Rat?
Piggy 	Oooh! Oh, oh, oh, um, ladies and gentlemen, to accompany moi on the piano — ready, Chrissy? — ahem, Mr. Christopher Reeve!
Chris 	Thank you, Miss Piggy. What are we doing, um, "Never Before, Never Again"?
Piggy 	Uh, no. I have an especiale song for us.
Chris 	Uh, "East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)".
Piggy 	Mm-hmm.
Chris 	I don't think I know this one.
Piggy 	Just, uh, play, perfect body.
Chris 	I'll try.
Piggy 	That my note? Ah, thank you.
 	"East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)"
Piggy 	Oh, Chrissy. Please, sweep me up and fly me over the towers of Metropolis, please?
Chris 	Now?
Piggy 	Yes, yes, now, please?
Chris 	Oh, okay Miss Piggy, but just a short trip, alright?
Piggy 	I'm ready. Away!
Chris 	Heh.
Piggy 	Away!
Chris 	Gee, I'm sorry Miss Piggy, I don't think I can manage. Maybe if you gained a few pounds.
Piggy 	Just shut up and sing, Reeve.
 	"East of the Sun (and West of the Moon)"
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well we've done the beginning and the middle, so say hello to the end. Uh, and it's been wonderful, especially since our guest star has been Mr. Christopher Reeve, yaaay!
Chris 	Gee, thanks a lot, Kermit. Boy I'll tell ya, you guys are crazy, but I had a great time.
Kermit 	Oh, good. Well, listen. Uh, tell me the truth, Chris.
Chris 	Yeah.
Kermit 	You really could have lifted Miss Piggy if you tried, couldn't you?
Chris 	Are you kidding? Usually I have to lift locomotives and some of them are even heavier than she is.
Kermit 	Ohh!
Piggy 	I heard that Reeve, hi-ya!
 	Piggy karate-chops Chris. It has no effect on him.
Kermit 	He really is the Man of Steel! We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Waldorf	Well, this has been an evening to remember.
Statler	Why?
Waldorf	I forgot.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts