Episode 312: James Coco/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 312: James Coco.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	James Coco! James Coco? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Coco.
James 	Ah, thank you, Scooter. Would you tell wardrobe I'd like this jacket pressed?
Scooter	Sure! Hey, wardrobe! Press that jacket!
 	The wardrobe tips over, pinning James to the floor.
Scooter	Anything else?
 	
James 	...no, no. Nothing at all. Everything's just perfect. Really.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star James Coco! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
 	Beauregard rushes toward the screen, carrying some paper.
Beauregard	Here's your script! WHOAH!
 	He trips and falls, sending the papers flying.
 	
 	Four horns surround Gonzo and play a fanfare, startling him.
==Opening number==
 	
 	Kermit enters to applause, wearing a swimming cap.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show, where our guest star tonight is the wonderful and very talented Mr. James Coco. But first - first, we're going to open tonight's show with an underwater fantasy. So, without more ado, last one in is a sissy! (paddles out)
 	
 	Robin the Frog and Kermit sing "Octopus' Garden" with an aquatic band, Miss Piggy as a mermaid and Animal, who's chased by a large stingray.
Waldorf	Well, that was different.
Statler	Did you like it?
Waldorf	No.
Statler	Then it wasn't different! (both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	Scooter watches as the aquatic creatures exit the stage. Kermit dries himself off with a towel.
Scooter	Uh, ya' get any water on the stage, boss?
Kermit 	Uh, yeah, but it's okay. The next act'll take care of it. Okay, Dancing Sponges, you're on!
 	The trio of Dancing Sponges make their way to the stage.
Scooter	Smart thinkin'. (exits)
 	Piggy hops her way backstage, panting.
Piggy 	Oh, how was I, Kermie?
Kermit 	Oh, you were great in that last number, Piggy.
Piggy 	Oh, thank you, Kermie. You know, I really liked the water.
Kermit 	Oh, I'm glad.
Piggy 	Mm-hmm. Which means after we're married, we can live at your place.
Kermit 	...uh, yeah. (grimaces)
Piggy 	(struggling in her costume) Ugh. Kermit, w-ugh-would you help me take this mermaid outfit off? Ugh.
Kermit 	Oh. You mean do the zipper back here?
Piggy 	Yes, back there. The zipper. It's just..
 	Kermit unzips the outfit. Piggy sighs with relief.
Piggy 	What a relief! Oh, thank you-oh!
 	Piggy's outfit begins to slide off, partially revealing her undergarments.
Piggy 	Don't look, don't look!
Kermit 	Oh, yeah. (covers face with towel)
Piggy 	No peeking!
 	Piggy walks away, more of her undergarments being revealed. Kermit takes a peak.
Kermit 	Yeesh.
 	
 	The two gasp as Piggy runs off and Kermit covers his eyes again. The Sponges return, dripping wet.
Kermit 	Uh, uh, okay, did you get the, uh, stage all dried up?
Sponge 	Oh, I think so.
Kermit 	Good.
 	The Sponges shake off some water everywhere and exit. Kermit sighs and heads for the stage.
==Fozzie's fortune==
 	Kermit enters to fanfare.
Kermit 	And now, our very special guest star James Coco portraying a medium who will attempt to predict the future of a character who has no future. Curtain!
 	GONG! The curtains open on Fozzie, in the lair of a fortune teller.
Fozzie 	Boy, oh, boy, am I ever excited! I've never been to a real gypsy clairvoyant before. They say that for ten dollars, he'll read your mind. I wonder what he'd see in mine.
James 	(entering through the beaded curtains) Three dollars change!
 	James does a slight dance as he makes his way to his seat by Fozzie. He lets out a wail.
Fozzie 	Oh! Oh, are you Dr. Coco, the Happy Medium?
James 	That's right, that's right!
Fozzie 	Oh!
James 	And you...
Fozzie 	Yes.
 	James uses his powers to move Fozzie to and fro.
James 	...are...you are Fozzie Bear!
Fozzie 	(still in motion) And I am seasick! Please stop me. Thank you.
 	James grabs hold of Fozzie, keeping him still.
James 	Better?
Fozzie 	I've got to know one thing!
James 	Yes, I can!
Fozzie 	Can you predict the futur-
James 	I just did.
Fozzie 	Oh! I want to know what my future in romance will be.
James 	Let me see in my crystal ball with speak to me!
 	James places the crystal ball on the table. He waves his hands and crosses his eyes. He lifts the cover, revealing Beauregard, head only, inside the ball.
Beauregard	Howdy.
 	James screams in fright and covers the ball back up.
James 	Bad news.
Fozzie 	Wha-wha-wha-what?!
James 	It spoke to me!
Fozzie 	Do you see a tall, cute stranger?
James 	(partially unveiling the ball) It could be taller, could be cuter, but it couldn't be stranger!
 	James fully unveils the ball.
Beauregard	Hi, Fozzie.
Fozzie 	Beauregard, I want to get my future told!
Beauregard	I want to get my head out.
James 	I just want to get on with this sketch. I mean...
Fozzie 	Bu-but, bu-bu-but, you're a medium!
James 	A me-are you kidding, medium? I'm an extra large!
 	
 	Suddenly, a spirt appears beside them, laughing. They all shriek in fear.
Chester 	Howdy, y'all! Are you the senior citizens of Abilene?
James 	Uh, no, no.
Fozzie 	Uh, n-no, no, no, no.
Chester 	Aw, shucks. I'm Chester Pugh. I-I'm due to show up at their seance.
Fozzie 	Are ya' late?
Chester 	Of course, I'm the late Chester Pugh!
Fozzie 	Never.
Chester 	Better late than never!
James 	But, this isn't even a real seance!
Chester 	It isn't?
Fozzie 	Well, hold... Wait, wait. Jimmy, you mean... he's not part of the sketch?
James 	No.
Fozzie 	(gasps)
James 	This is a show!
Chester 	A show? (notices the viewing audience) Aw, say, I'd like to say, "Hello," to ma and pa and all the night shift down at Schinder's. This one's for everybody on the other side.
 	Chester begins to sing "Danny Boy." James shakes his head in disgust.
Fozzie 	What's wrong?
James 	Pretty bad.
Fozzie 	Huh?
James 	No good.
Fozzie 	Why?
James 	I mean, well, it's just, no rhythm, no pace. Not even good looking.
Fozzie 	Jimmy?
James 	Hm?
Fozzie 	Jimmy, i-is this supposed to go this way?
James 	Of course not! I didn't know we'd get a real ghost.
Fozzie 	Oh...
 	Suddenly, Beauregard and the table begin to lift above the ground.
James 	Oh, look!
Fozzie 	Oh, oh, ah, Jimmy!
James 	The table is levitating!
Fozzie 	Ah, ah! Beauregard, watch out! You're gonna get killed!
Beauregard	No, I'm going to get lunch!
 	Beauregard leaves, carrying the table with him. Chester is still singing away.
Fozzie 	Well, what do we do now?
 	With no other option, the two sing "Danny Boy" with Chester. He disappears as the song wraps up and the duo take their bows.
Waldorf 	What was that?
Statler 	It's called "The Medium Sketch."
Waldorf 	"The Medium Sketch?"
Statler 	Yeah, it wasn't rare and it certainly wasn't well done! (both laugh)
==Backstage==
 	Sam watches as Fozzie and Beauregard, still in the crystal ball, pass by.
Sam 	That was disgusting! You aught to be ashamed of yourself!
 	
 	Floyd scoots in.
Sam 	Ugh, that sketch was the last straw. That does it - I am leaving!
 	Floyd is unresponsive.
Sam 	Well? Don't you have anything to say to me before I go?
Floyd	...oh, yeah!
Sam 	Hm?
Floyd	On your way out, would you empty the garbage? (exits, laughing)
Sam 	Beatnik! I have spent my last moment in this theater.
 	Rowlf passes by, carrying a bust of Ludwig von Beethoven.
Rowlf	Aw, that's too bad, Sam! You're gonna miss my tribute to Beethoven.''
Sam 	I don't care, as long as...Beethoven?
Rowlf	Mm-hmm.
Sam 	A-are you serious?
Rowlf	Would I joke about Beethoven? He's my idol! See? (exits)
Sam 	Ah, Beethoven, at last! Oh, well, for Beethoven I'll stay - he's my favorite playwright.
=="Eight Little Notes"==
 	
Rowlf	(playing the scale) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.''
 	Rowlf plays "Eight Little Notes" with the help of his singing bust of Beethoven.
==UK spot==
 	
Kermit	Okay, Robin, well, time to go to sleep.
Robin 	But I can't, Uncle Kermit. I'm afraid of snakes.
Kermit	(looks around) Snakes? Snakes? Well, um... Well, th-th-there aren't any snakes around here.
Robin 	Unless they're under the bed.
Kermit	(yelps, looks around) No, no, no, no, no, no snakes under the bed.
Robin 	Oh, this really isn't helping, Uncle Kermit.
Kermit	Oh. Well, lis — listen, Robin. If you just close your eyes and think about it, why, why, snakes can be very beautiful.
Robin 	(sigh)
 	
 	Robin envisions a quartet of snakes dancing to an upbeat version of "In a Persian Market."
Robin 	You know, Uncle Kermit, snakes are really very nice.
 	Zoom out to reveal the snakes in the bedroom, surrounding the bed.
Snakes	Thank you. (hisssssss)
Kermit	(with Robin) Uh, you're welcome.
Robin 	Hi.
==Backstage==
Kermit	(through the intercom) Okay. Uh, set up the kitchen. The Swedish Chef is on next.
James 	(comes downstairs) Oh, Kermit, you have a terrific show here.
Kermit	Oh, oh, well, thank you, James. It's not exactly Broadway...
James 	Oh, you mean with all the girls and the glitter and the razzle dazzle?
Kermit	Yeah, I guess so.
James 	Well, you don't need it. I mean, this show moves. It's got pace, pace, pace. You know what I mean?
Kermit	Pace?
James 	You got it. I mean, you only need razzle dazzle if you've got a dull, slow-moving act, you know?
Kermit	(nods) Yeah.
James 	But I have been watching this show. It is dynamic. It is full of sex appeal. It is fast paced. You do not need razzle dazzle. You've got …
 	
 	The Chef passes by, singing slowly in mock Swedish.
James 	What is that?
Kermit	(nervous) Uh... the next act.
James 	(nods) … You need razzle dazzle.
Kermit	(nods) I thought so.
James 	Look, get some musicians, chorus girls, dancers, anything that moves. Quick! Quick!
Kermit	(rushes off) Right. Yes, sir — I'm — I'm on my way. I'm on my way.
James 	Hurry, Kermit. — What can I do about the lights? Ah. Switch. There we go.
 	He flicks one switch and the lights go out.
James 	Uh, wrong one.
 	He flicks it again and the lights go back on.
James 	Fantastic.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef with two cooking utensils.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the utensils and picks up a banana.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de bånånå-nå … nå-nå, nå-nå.
 	He peels it, then wields an axe.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) pëêl de bånånå-nå, nå-nå, nå-nå. (mock Swedish) de bånånå splït!
 	He strikes the axe, but misses the banana and knocks a pot over when hears Mexican dancers yelling. The dancers take the stage, bewildering him.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish)
 	The pot lands on his head. He feels around.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … Où est le bånånå-nå? (picks up the axe) De bånånå splït?
 	He strikes the axe, but misses the banana and hits a sack of flour. The dancers take the stage again. The Chef raises his fist in anger.
Swedish Chef	(yells in mock Swedish, thinks) Å-hå! (feels around) … bånånå-nå, nå-nå, nå-nå, pëël. Bånånå pëël.
 	He tosses the peel on the ground and beckons the dancers.
Swedish Chef	Hø-hø! Ëntër.
 	The dancers pass through again, and repeatedly slip on the banana peel. The Chef claps.
Swedish Chef	Ånd nøw, bånånå splït!
 	He accidentally throws up the axe, which lands in the pot on his head. Shaken, he splits the banana with his hands.
Waldorf 	Well, the Chef's done it again.
Statler 	Done what?
Waldorf 	Nothing.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	James witnesses the dancers and Chef come backstage.
James 	Is he gonna be all right?
Kermit	… I doubt it. He never has been.
James 	Yeah. Well, what's next?
Kermit	Let's see. Um... A singer.
James 	Oh, good. Now we can relax. Singing is always good. Music is terrific.
 	
 	Wayne passes by, singing "Catch a Falling Star" off-key. James facepalms.
James 	Kermit, we have a lot of work to do. (Kermit nods)
=="Catch a Falling Star"==
 	
 	Wayne appears in an outdoor set at night. As he sings, he and a falling star enact the lyrics.
Wayne 	
Catch a falling star
and put in your pocket
Save it for a rainy day
For love may come
and tap you on the should-
 	
 	Wayne's pants are smoking. Scooter runs in and taps him on the shoulder, throwing off the song.
Scooter	Hey, your pants are on fire!
Wayne 	
Uh...one starless...
 	The set brightens up. A pig comes in and sprays him with a fire extinguisher.
Wayne 	Uh, what are you doing?! What are you doing?!
 	Three of the Spanish dancers pass through, wearing two snakes, and singing some more. Wayne runs out, screaming in pain.
==Backstage==
Kermit	Well, um, ahem, well, you can't win 'em all.
James 	I'd settle for a tie.
 	Wayne passes by, yelping, still aflame.
Wayne 	What did you guys do to me? I almost got killed out there. (yelps)
James 	(winces) Almost? Oh well. What's next?
Kermit	Uh, oh, oh, well, let's see, uh… Veterinarian's Hospital.
James 	Veterinarian's Hospital?
 	
Kermit	Uh, yeah, it's this part where we … we tell bad jokes and, uh... and it's death. (shakes head)
James 	Uh-huh. Well, I have just the thing that will liven it up. It never fails.
Kermit	Oh, yeah?
James 	Girls.
Kermit	Uh … gir — oh, yeah!
James 	Right! Gir- say it.
Kermit	Girls.
James 	Alright! (through the intercom) Girls! (pats Kermit)
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	The theme music plays. Nurse Piggy poses for photographs as Dr. Bob snaps the camera. One of the conga dancers from earlier is on the operating table.
Announcer	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stoooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
 	
Rowlf 	(to patient) Say cheese.
Patient 	(moans in pain)
Rowlf 	Close enough. (laughs)
Piggy 	Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf, Rowlf!
 	He ditches the camera as they focus on the sketch.
Rowlf 	Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.
Piggy 	(coughs)
Rowlf 	Uh, and now...uh, yes, nurse, uh, tell me what's wrong with this patient.
Janice 	Oh, Dr. Bob, he has acute appendicitis!
Rowlf 	I don't care how cute it is, it has to come out!
 	The medics all laugh laugh. Rowlf slaps the patient in hysterics. Backstage, James speaks into the intercom.
James 	Music. Lights. Dancers. Quick!
 	
 	Back on stage, the medics continue laughing. Suddenly, a small kickline of showgirls parades through the set, as the spotlights flash and a short, brassy tune plays.
Piggy 	Dr. Bob, how can you concentrate with those girls dancing by?
Rowlf 	Easy - I never take my eyes off them! (all laugh)
James 	Bring on the girls, quick!
Piggy 	(laughing) Here they come again!
 	The girls dance by again, in the opposite direction.
James 	That's the girls?
Piggy 	Dr. Bob, why do they keep dancing that way?
Rowlf 	That's the way they get their kicks! (laughs with Piggy)
Janice 	Ooooo, wow. I'd love to be on Broadway.
Rowlf 	Yeah, I can see your name in lights - 25 watts!
 	He laughs and slaps the patient, who groans in pain.
Janice 	"Twenty-five watts?" That's not very bright.
Rowlf 	Look who's talkin'! (all laugh)
 	They all watch as the girls dance by once more.
James 	This is good. This is excellent.
Rowlf 	I've changed my mind! I am not taking out the appendix.
Piggy 	What are you taking out?
Rowlf 	The blonde on the end! (laughs with Piggy, Janice groans)
Announcer	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say...
Piggy 	(clears throat) Dr. Bob, you cannot go out with a chorus girl. What about the patient?
Rowlf 	Why should I go out with someone who's sick?
 	They all laugh as the closing music plays. Up in the balcony, Waldorf returns to his seat.
Statler 	Any luck?
Waldorf 	No, I checked all the doors - they got us locked in.
==Backstage==
 	The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit 	(nods) Okay.
Miss Piggy	Kermit, what's with those showgirls?
Kermit 	Uh, well, we just kind of threw them in.
Miss Piggy	Yeah? Well, throw 'em out.
Kermit 	Um, yeah.
James 	Kermit, I'm ready for my closing number.
Kermit 	Oh? Oh, good. Uh, listen, uh, y'know, things — I realize things have been a little ragged so far, but just wait till you see the closing number we have planned for you.
James 	Oh. (rubs hands)
Kermit 	It's a wonderful thing. We have staircases and waterfalls. We have colored lights and wind machines and thirty-eight chorus girls … (James shakes his head) … does the fact that you're shaking your head from side to side mean what I think it does?
James 	That's right. Kermit, I would — I would really like... I'd like a change of pace. I'd like — I'd like to do something simple, y'know, something small.
Kermit 	Yeah, but - but closing numbers are big extravaganzas.
 	
James 	No, no, no. Small. Small, Kermit.
Kermit 	Small.
James 	Small.
Kermit 	Yeah, but usually...
James 	No, Kermit... Really small.
Kermit 	Really small?
James 	Yeah, small. Trust me.
Kermit 	Small?
James 	Just introduce me.
Kermit 	Yeah, but — (stammers)
James 	Kermit, you're gonna love it. I promise you, you're really gonna love it. Now, Kermit, just introduce me. (pushes him onstage)
=="Short People"==
 	Kermit enters to fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, well, uh, here once again, ladies and gentlemen, is our guest star, James Coco, in a very small, gigantic finale. Hit it, guys!
 	The curtains open. As a band of short Muppets play the opening vamp, James makes his way on the set.
James 	Hi, guys. (to chorus girls) You look gorgeous! Terrific.
 	
 	James sings "Short People."
James 	(to the band) I hope I haven't offended you. You know, I-I was short once myself.
 	
 	As James and the group take a bow, Thog bursts onto the set.
Thog 	(chuckling) H-hi, shorty!
 	James faints.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, I think we've just about come down to the end of another one because the very next thing I'm going to do is ask our special guest star to say good night. Mr. James Coco! YAAAYYY!
 	Applause. James comes out and bows.
James 	Ah, Kermit, thank you. I really enjoyed myself tonight.
Kermit 	Oh, I'm glad. I just loved your number with the short people.
James 	Did you? You don't think they resented it, do you?
Kermit 	Oh, no. They j— they loved it. Right, short people?
 	
 	They wave flags and cheer.
James 	You were wonderful, all of you.
Short man	Thank you, Jimmy.
 	They start carrying Kermit.
Kermit 	Whoa! Hey, hey! Put me down. Put me down! We'll see you next time — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
 	The other Muppets come out as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	Well, shall we leave?
Statler 	Why should we leave now? The worst part's over.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts