Five Nights at Chicken Peter's

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Five Nights at Chicken Peter's is the third episode of Chicken Peter, and the Chicken Peter special. The episode released on October 31, 2023, and was written by .
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens in the Chicken Peter apartment living room. THE MONKEY is making some Frosted Flakes, Chris Chan is scrolling on Chris’ laptop, and Chicken Peter is reading the San Francisco Chronicle newspaper.]
Chicken Peter: Augh, there’s no good jobs in here!
Chris Chan: You could try being a Goddess Blue Heart and Lord of All, like me.
Chicken Peter: I don’t think that’s a real job, Chris.
Chris Chan: I HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH MY MOTHER LAST NIGHT!
THE MONKEY: You mean Chicken Peter’s mother, right?
Chris Chan: …sure. I have never, ever, ever, ever, EVER had sex with Barbara, period.
Chicken Peter: (pointing at his newspaper) Hey, I found one!
THE MONKEY: OOH OOH-OOH! What is it, honey?
Chicken Peter: A security gig at some restaurant or something. It’s minimum wage and I would have to work nights, but my psychology degree is useless now that I’m a Chicken Peter, so this is better than nothing.
THE MONKEY: I’m sure you’ll be great!
Chicken Peter: I’ll phone them up right away. 
Chris Chan: Ooh! Can you try getting me a job there too?
Chicken Peter: I thought you got income from your Etsy and… what do you call it?
Chris Chan: My tugboat? Well… yeah, but a side hustle would be nice, ya know?
Chicken Peter: Alright then.
[Chicken Peter takes out his phone and dials a number.]
Chicken Peter: Hello? Yeah, I’m calling about the job opportunity, the security guard?
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: You for real?! I’m hired?! Just on the spot like that? No interview or anything?
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Oh my JewWario, thank you so much dude! I’ll be there tomorrow.
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Yep, got it. Oh, by the way, any chance my friend could get a job too? Their name is Christine Weston Chand-
[The other line hangs up.]
Chicken Peter: H-hello? 
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Well I’m starting tomorrow apparently.
THE MONKEY: But tomorrow’s Halloween…
Chicken Peter: We still need the money. Besides, what could go wrong?
[Cut to Chicken Peter pulling up to the restaurant in his car at night, ready for his first shift. Chicken Peter gets out of his car and starts approaching the building. A dimly-lit sign barely sits on the roof reading “Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria”. Thunder strikes.]
Chicken Peter: (startled) CHEEP CHEEP!
[Chicken Peter recomposes himself and knocks on the front door.]
Chicken Peter: Hello? Anyone there? I’m the new security guard?
[Pause.]
Chicken Peter: Oh! They said the key would be under the mat.
[Chicken Peter reaches under the doormat, grabs the key and unlocks the door, locking it behind him.]
Chicken Peter: You’re gonna do fine, Chicken Peter, you’re gonna do fine.
[Chicken Peter begins walking down the hallway.]
Chicken Peter: …hello? H-h-hello?
[Chicken Peter looks at the pictures on the walls on the unintentionally-eery animal mascot characters.]
Chicken Peter: (shaking) This place gives me the- CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP- creeps…
[A tall figure emerges from behind Chicken Peter.]
???: Hi.
Chicken Peter: GAH!
[Chicken Peter jumps up and turns around in fright.]
???: Oh! I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare ya! …well, I did, but…
Chicken Peter: Wh-wh-wh-CHEEP-who are you?
Sam: Sam. Sam Puckett. 
Chicken Peter: Wait… THE Sam Puckett?! From iCarly?
Sam: That was decades ago, man. Get over it. 
Chicken Peter: Oh, I’m sorry. Just a little starstruck.
Sam: Whatever, dude. You know, it’s my first day as a security guard too.
Chicken Peter: Oh, I-I-I-I didn’t know there were more.
Sam: Yeahhhh, they didn’t tell us a lot when my wife and I signed up either. But this seems like a piece of cake.
Chicken Peter: H-h-how many of us are there?
Sam: Just us three. Come on.
[Sam leads Chicken Peter into the security guard office. Her wife, Cat Valentine, is there, giddily spinning around on a spinny chair.]
Cat: Wheee! (laughs) I’m so dizzy!
Sam: The cool butch sapphic and dumb fem sapphic thing is very much real, Chicken Peter.
Cat: Hey, I’m not dumb! My therapist says it’s an undiagnosed learning disablity. I’m Cat, by the way.
Chicken Peter: Chicken Peter.
Cat: Wow! You’re a Chicken and I’m a cat! Crazy, right?
Chicken Peter: Hehe, yeah… sooo… what do we do around here?
Sam: I dunno. They just said to watch the cameras.
Chicken Peter: Really? They needed three people to watch live security footage of a restaurant that hasn’t been open since the eighties?
Sam: Hey, a paycheck is a paycheck. 
Cat: And we really need money because I blew our whole life savings on bibble.
Sam: Yeahhh, she did… I still love her though.
Chicken Peter: (looks at the clock) Hey, it’s 1AM already! The night’s gonna be a breeze.
Sam: You can say that again. Mama’s getting paid to watch the rugby all night. Argentina is up against Molvanîa and Jarvis Zagna is SO hot!
Cat: But Sam, we’re supposed to be watching the cameras! You said it yourself!
Sam: Pfffft. They have no way of knowing if we’re actually doing that or not. Anyway, it’s not like anything bad is gonna happen tonight…
[Cut to the main stage of the pizzeria, where the animatronic mascots Freddy Fazbear, Bonnie and Chica stand.]
Freddy: Something very bad is gonna happen tonight!
Bonnie and Chica: Yeah!
Freddy: We’ve got some fresh meat, which means new unsuspecting victims to play with!
Chica: It’s gonna be a great night. I’m so FUCKING high right now!
Bonnie: Good JewWario, Chica! How much edibles did you take?
Chica: 300mg.
Freddy: You gonna combust some day, you know that?
Chica: THE WEED GIVES ME STRENGTH!
Freddy: See, Bonnie?! This is why I hate women. They never fucking listen…
Chica: Whoa, dude, have you ever really looked at your hand? I mean, really looked at it... it's like, so intricate and... profound, man.
Freddy: This is exactly what I mean, Bonnie!
Bonnie: Hey boss, can I go out and scare them first?
Freddy: Oh for fuck’s sake, Bonnie, you always get to go out first! Can’t you let someone else have a turn for once?
Bonnie: Well, Chica’s so high I’m not sure she will ever come down, you’re frankly slow as hell, Freddie, and I don’t even know where the fuck that bitch Foxy is.
Freddy: Augh, fine. You go out first.
Bonnie: Fuck yeah! I will thank you, father!
Freddy: I’m not your dad. 
[Cut to the trio of security guards goofing off in the office.]
Cat: -so I only really sing at local clubs nowadays.
Chicken Peter: I see.
Cat: I tried being an actor once. My acting teacher in high school was fun… turned out to be a child molester though. I think they eventually found him hiding out with… what were their names? The guys who helped stopped the 2022 Suzy Sheep Crisis? SpongeBarbara and Father Ham or something, I don’t know.
Chicken Peter: Guys, how many animatronics are there supposed on the main stage?
Sam: Uh… like three I think?
Chicken Peter: Well, I only count two.
[They all look at the cameras.]
Sam: Huh, you’re right. Must have misremembered.
Chicken Peter: No, no, I swear there were three. What about you, Cat?
Cat: I can’t count.
Sam: It’s the middle of the night, you’re probably just going cuckoo. Now shut up and let me watch the rugby, okay?!
Chicken Peter: (nervous) Yeah, yeah… hehe, I’m just being a little chicken again. You’re right, you’re completely right.
[Chicken Peter switches the security footage to the dining area. Bonnie is there, facing directly at the camera.]
Chicken Peter: GAH!
Sam: What is it now?!
Chicken Peter: One of them moved! One of them moved to the eating area! I swear!
Cat: Oh hey, there is one of them in the eating area! He looks so silly!
Chicken Peter: I don’t like this place… He looks scary.
Cat: But he’s a cute bunny rabbit!
Chicken Peter: He probably has rabies.
Sam: You probably have rabies! They’re animatronics, maybe the just get a little quirky at night, I dunno. You’re overreacting. Take a chill pill, dude.
Cat: My brother Frankini takes chill pills so he doesn’t get too aggressive. 
Chicken Peter: What kind of name is Frankini?
Cat: What kind of name is Chicken Peter?
Chicken Peter: 😞
French Narrator: One hour later…
[Chicken Peter is frantically checking the monitors.]
Chicken Peter: Oh shit, I’ve lost the bunny rabbit again.
[Sam is still engrossed in the rugby game.]
Sam: LET’S FUCKING GO! JARVIS ZAGNA SCORED A TRY!
Chicken Peter: This is serious!!! 
Cat: Well maybe he went back to the main stage.
Chicken Peter: Oh, good thinking!
[Chicken Peter switches the camera to the main stage. Only Freddy Fazbear is standing there now.]
Chicken Peter: WHERE THE FUCK DID THE DUCK THING GO?!!!!!
Cat: Pretty sure it’s a chicken.
Chicken Peter: I DON’T FUCKING CARE WHAT SHE IS! I DON’T KNOW WHERE SHE WENT!
[Pieces of metal bashing together can be heard in the background.]
Chicken Peter: CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP CHEEP! WHAT’S THAT?!!!!!
[Chicken Peter switches the cameras around. Chica is in the kitchen.]
Chicken Peter: WHY IS SHE IN THE KITCHEN?!!!!!!!!!
Cat: Maybe she got hungry for some spaghetti tacos.
Sam: Classic.
Chicken Peter: They’re after us… I swear they are!
Sam: Calm the fuck down, Chicken Peter! None of them are after us!
Bonnie: Hello.
[Chicken Peter flickers the light on in the hallway to the left of the security office. Bonnie is standing there by the metal door.]
Chicken Peter: WHAAATE RTE FFUCKCK?/!!!! WATFF EYEHF FUKCKC?!!!!!!
[Chicken Peter presses a button and the metal door bolts down, blocking Bonnie’s access to the office.]
Chicken Peter: WHTFFTEHE FUFCKC?!!!
[Chicken Peter keeps flickering the light on and off. Bonnie is still standing outside the door, as seen through the window.]
Chicken Peter: HE’S ETSUCOL FFUCKCKNG THEREE”!!!!!! WHAT TEHF CUCKD EFFU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sam: It’s okay, it’s okay. He’ll probably go soon.
French Narrator: A few more hours later…
[Chicken Peter is still flickering the light on and off. Bonnie is still by the door. At this point, Sam has put headphones on and is watching the rugby game like that.]
Chicken Peter: HWOGKF SINDBEY EHED STILL ETEREE?!!!!!!! EHE STELLF VDTFCKNG GHEEERE AT TEH FFR FODDORR!!!!!!!!
Chica: I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
Chicken Peter: I SAIFNF EYTWWHWOE TSS HE STLLF FUCKCING AT THE FCDFOR-
[Chicken Peter turns around. Chica is standing at the right door.]
Chicken Peter: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
[Chicken Peter presses another button, bolting the right door down.]
Chicken Peter: TEHYR’E ATE BOTH OF FORUR FOORS! TEHYR’EE NOTF FUCKING LEAVING!!!!!!!!
Cat: Oh. I see what you mean now by them all coming after us.
Chicken Peter: I FUKCCDGNG TODLF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bonnie: Look, this would go a lot faster if you just opened the doors and let us come in and get this over with.
Chicken Peter: FUCKF FYOU, ROBOT BUNNYE FRNRABBIT MAN!!!!!!!!
Chica: Keeping the doors down like this actually drastically drains the building’s electricity. 
Chicken Peter: WHATA/:??!!!!!!!!
Chica: I said “Keeping the doors down like this actually drastically drains the building’s electricity.” If you keep them closed, it won’t be long before the power cuts off and we can come in. 
[The power cuts off and Bonnie and Chica can come in.]
Chica: Ah, there we go.
[Sam takes her headphones off.]
Sam: Now THAT was a fantastic rugby game!
[She notices the power is out.]
Sam: What’d I miss?
[Suddenly, a familiar music box melody starts playing. Sam’s eyes widen.]
Sam: Oh no.
Cat: What?
Chicken Peter: What is it?
Sam: Can’t you hear the music?! That’s 1905 Regina Music Box Classical Overture!!!!! Every security guard knows that means death!!!!!
[Freddy Fazbear appears at the left door.]
Freddy: Har har har har har…
Sam: Quick! Turn the emergency power on before it’s too late!
[Chicken Peter and Cat trying flicking the emergency power switch to no avail.]
Sam: Hurry, Chicken Peter! The music is almost over!
Chicken Peter: I’M- CHEEP CHEEP CHEE- TRYING! 
Cat: IT’S NO USE!
Freddy: Har har har har har…
Cat: (shaking) Only JewWario can save us now…
[The three animatronics start closing in on the three security guards.]
Sam: Please…
Cat: …have mercy…
[Freddy is about to jumpscare them when-]
Chicken Peter: ALRIGHT THAT’S IT!
[The three animatronics take a step back.]
Chicken Peter: YOU THREE WEIRDOS HAVE BEEN GOING AROUND ALL NIGHT BEING ANNOYING AND TRYING TO- CHEEP CHEEP CHEE- SCARE US! WELL, IT’S NOT GOING TO WORK! SO WHY DON’T YOU JUST ALL BACK OFF AND LEAVE US ALONE!!
[Pause.]
Chica: …scare you?
Bonnie: We weren’t trying to scare you?
Chicken Peter: What?
Chica: We just wanted to play.
Chicken Peter: I find that kind of hard to believe.
Freddy: How so?
Chicken Peter: Well… you’re all… um… you know…
Chica: Scary robot freaks?
Chicken Peter: I wasn’t going to use the word “freaks”.
Freddy: Sure you weren’t… (sighs) It’s okay, no one ever wants to play with us.
Cat: Aw… that’s so sad!
Freddy: All the other security guards usually quit after their first five nights.
Bonnie: Some will stay for a sixth or even seventh, if we’re lucky.
Chica: It’s not our fault we’re freaks.
Freddy: We’re forced to be still and play the same songs all day long… we just wanna have some fun at night!
Bonnie: We’ve been all alone, stuck in our little zone since the bite of ‘87…
Cat: 1987?
Chica: That’s when they stopped letting us roam around during the day.
Freddy: Bonnie took a bite of some cake and got crumbs all over the floor. The carpet needed to be deep cleaned…
Chicken Peter: Well, huh… I-I-I’m sorry. 
Cat: We really thought you were gonna kill us!
Sam: I didn’t.
Cat: Oh come on, you were clinging to me in fear, Sam!
Freddy: It’s okay, it’s okay. Every guard is the same.
Cat: Well, it would help a little bit if you stopped creeping up on everyone like that.
Bonnie: Really?
Chicken Peter: Yeah! I bet people would love to be friends with you if you just asked.
Freddy: Huh… I never thought of that.
[An alarm on Sam’s phone goes off.]
Sam: Let’s go, 6AM! Time to clock out.
Chica: Well, I guess we’ll see you all tomorrow then?
Chicken Peter: Oh fuck no! Tonight almost gave me a heart attack, I’m definitely never coming back here ever again.
Freddy: Oh…
Sam: Well… Cat and I still need to pay off our debt. We’ll be back tomorrow.
Bonnie: Really?!
Cat: Of course! Let’s have some fun together.
[Cut to Freddy, Bonnie and Chica waving at the three as they walk out the front doors.]
Freddy: Bye guys!
Chica: See you tomorrow, Sam and Cat!
Bonnie: Well that was an eventful day.
[Suddenly, a shadowy figure starts running down the hallway.]
???: Deedeeedumdudmdeeeduem…
[Foxy emerges from the shadows.]
Foxy: Aw man, that was one MEATY shit! What’d I miss?
[Mr. Hippo also shows up.]
Mr. Hippo: Hello, I am Mr. Hippo.
[The end. Happy Halloween!]
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