(S1) Chapter 14: HAM could be sober?!

Amongst all the shenanigans occuring, HAM was just getting baked as fuck in his van, as per-usual. He laid in the backseat, his legs resting against the floor, which was soaked and burned with an assortment of condiments, beverages, drugs, and who knows what else. He moved his bony fingers slowly, as they made a strange crackling noise from the movement alone. He let out a groan of assumed pain, as he slowly raised the joint to his mouth, blowing a puff of smoke out of it, as his sockets filled with a strange assortment of colors. Why am I being hyper-descriptive now? Fuck you, I want to!
Anyways, HAM’s eyes suddenly snapped to attention, as he threw the joint aside, it bounced off Ink’s head and knocked him onto his back, as he was too off-balance from being baked as shit to remain stable. HAM ran over to the front of the area, as Jerma whistled while driving the van. They were now in ClicheSnowArea, elsewhile known as Snowdin from… uhm, Generictale.
“Oi mate, are we there yet? We’ve gotsa get to ConvenientLabOne so we can extract that piece of Gad, y’know?” HAM said, his pupils twitched insanely, accurate to his own mental and emotional stability.
“I know what we’re doing, why would you tell me?” Jerma asked.
“Uh, gotta expose to the audience, y’know?” HAM replied.
“Oh, right. Anyway, we’re getting close to ConvenientLabOne- oh, there it is in the distance!” Jerma said, swerving the van, as he pulled into a strange drive-thru like thing. The speaker there, which conveniently wasn’t covered entirely in snow from the cartoonishly cold whether, emitted a voice.
“WHAT’S THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FOMRULA?” The voice asked.
“Obama’s Last Name, of course.” Jerma replied nonchalantly. The crew, who was hiding in a snow heap by the speaker, emerged after HAM entered and was out of sight.
“Okay, well anyway, now that we’ve got the password (which is awfully convenient that we just guessed), we just gotta get to where they are. Conveniently, I attached a tracker to Error, so we just gotta find a way in.” Billy said, as River drove the car to what looked to be a parking lot, before hitting the brakes, and quickly moving to exit, as the group followed.
“What now, exactly?” Billy asked, as they walked into the building. It looked to be a hospital, but there were no patients inside. They looked around in confusion, trying to assess the situation. Papaya scowled
“This is obviously a tra-“ He said, only for a nearby section of the floor to swing open, and a massive futuristic van to shoot out of it, driven by Jerma, with HAM and Ink in the back.
“HAHAHHAHAHAHHA, AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!” Jerma cackled, as he turned the van around, and aimed at the group, driving straight for them. Papaya and River leapt out of the way, as Billy tackled Funnyverse to safety. Adam Sandler stood there, as the van barreled straight for him, as it hit him, only to create a massive explosion, causing Adam to slide back about 30 yards, tearing through the ground beneath his feet, whereas the van went flying in the opposite direction.
“QUICK, INTO THE DABABY CAR!” River said, getting into the driver’s seat, as everyone quickly followed. The car activated its epic gamer thrusters, as Dababy said “LETS GO”, prompting the car to shoot into the air, in hot pursuit of the van.
The van landed, as all the damage to it dealt by the earlier explosion immediately reversed. Jerma continued to cackle maniacally, as HAM yawned with a level of boredom. Ink crawled towards the cage where Chara and Error where, only for HAM to backhand him, sending him into the door. Ink groaned in pain, as he slid down it, only to land laying down face-up.
The Dababy Car landed in the snow behind The Van 2.0, as Jerma looked in his rearview mirror. He smirked, before flicking some switches, and hitting a big red button, activating the thrusters and speeding up the van.
Billy Mays reached up, opening the sunroof, as he pushed off Funnyverse’s face to lift himself up.
“OW! :(“ Funnyverse said, as Billy Mays climbed on top of the Dababy Car. Will turned, apologized, then took aim at the van.
Jerma looked in his rearview mirror, as he turned back to HAM. “You got this?” He asked, as a sadistic smirk flashed on HAM’s face. HAM opened THEIR sunroof, as he summoned his axe, but now it was a battle axe. What, an actual weapon made for combat? For shame, HAM, you’re being too sweaty!
Billy stared down HAM, as HAM smirked at him, posing with a level of elegance. His eye snapped to attention, as he snapped his fingers, the purple smoke coming from his skull turning grey, as he aimed his axe at Billy Mays. What, HAM’s sober!?!?
Billy took a step back, but realized he was on dababy, who wasn’t that big. He nervously looked at the speed of the car, and the surrounding terrain. He could easily get lost in all that snow… he looked up, to see HAM twirling the axe in his hands, as grey smoke billowed from his skull.
“Why don’t we level the playing field, eh? Let's make this fair for you.” HAM asked, raising a finger, as the tires on both the Dababy Car suddenly stopped without warning. Willy Wonka just barely leapt off, summoning his sword, as he landed. HAM elegantly floated to the ground, as Will watched his vehicle crash into a nearby building. He turned to HAM in horror, who had an aura of power floating around him.
“I’ve had enough, Will, it’s time for you to die.” HAM said, as he landed on the ground, as he grabbed a cigarette, lighting it with fire magic, and putting it in his mouth, before he began calmly walking towards Billy Mays. Willy Wonka took a defensive stance, as he held his sword at the ready. HAM got closer, his smirk growing.
Meanwhile, the group was trying to recover from the crash, as River struggled to move, his hands impaled with an assortment of glass, and broken from the force of the hit. Adam reached over, tearing him out of his seat, as he opened the door, slowly pulling River out of the car and into the snow. Papaya had wrapped his arms around Funnyverse, an assortment of rubble impaled into his body, as he opened the door, tossing Funnyverse out. Papaya groaned, as he crawled out of the car, slumping to the ground.
HAM raised his axe, as Will stabbed at his chest. The blade went through, but he didn’t flinch, bringing the axe down. Billy raised his hands, softening the blow with telekinesis, but he felt the axe slice him across the chest, breaking several ribs, as he fell onto his back. HAM grabbed the hilt of Billy’s sword.
“Nice sword.” He said, pulling it out of himself, as Will tried to speak, gurgling noises coming out instead, as blood spurted out of his mouth. Geez, this really got serious, huh?
“I bet you’re trying to ask why I didn’t flinch? Guess you missed the memo, willy.” He said, tossing the sword onto him.
“I’M ALREADY DEAD!” He shouted enthusiastically, bringing the axe down, as Billy rolled to the side. The force of the axe created an explosion, sending Billy flying into the car. He slammed into it, more blood being coughed up, before falling to the ground. HAM dragged his battle axe through the snow, approaching slowly as it stained the snow.
Funnyverse revved up his bike, shooting it at HAM like a missle, as it hit him square in the face, creating a blinding explosion that even sent Funnyverse flying back. Papaya and Adam shielded their eyes, only to see HAM only had a small burn mark on the side of his face. Adam sighed, pulling his arms away from his father, as he stood. Papaya looked at him, confusion on his face, as Adam approached HAM.
“Jasus, I won’t let you hurt them anymore. I let you get the better of me once, but not again. It’s game over from here on out.” Adam said. Damn, he’s gettin serious.
HAM smirked, brandishing his battle axe. “Is that so? Who’s going to keep you from being hurt? I hold the power of omniverses at the tips of my fingers.” HAM said, raising his hand, as power coursed through them. Adam smirked.
“And?” He asked.
A massive blast of energy came down from the sky, hitting him, as HAM shielded his face. The shockwaves wiped out the entire surrounding forest, sweeping the snow off the battlefield, and making everyone’s clothes blow in the wind. HAM looked up in shock, only to finally see- Adam was no longer just a chad. He had harnessed the power of Gad, to become- A GIGACHAD!
“Why yes, I am a Gigachad, how could you tell?” Adam asked.
||| I’ll leave you all in anticipation as to whether or not it actually works lmao |||
Hades looked through the jungle, where his lackey had been. He screamed in rage, flames shooting all over, as several trees burned to a crisp. That… TWAT Zeus had sent that stupid reincarnation of Ares after him! Bastard… OP!Chara thought to himself, as he paced back and forth, trying to think of a solution to his newfound issue, until he heard footsteps.
He turned, seeing Aphrodite, or OP!Frisk, who was looking around in confusion at all the fire in the surrounding area, until Frisk noticed him.
“Uh, oh, hi, Hades. How’s it… going?” Frisk asked, moving to the side as a tree fell down beside her.
OP Chara immediately collected himself, taking a few deep breaths, before smiling. “HEEEYYYY Frisk, my sweet little chum, my bestest friend.” He said, immediately appearing beside her and pinching her cheeks, as she recoiled in slight annoyance.
“Erm, hi.” Frisk responded.
“So you know that ID- erm, nice dude, Ares, right?” Chara asked.
“Uhm- no, of course not!” Frisk said, before pausing, realizing the stupidity of her statement.
“DON’T LIE TO ME!” Hades roared, as Frisk shifted back in slight fear. Sweat went down the front of her face, as she looked around for a possible escape route, the burning from Chara’s earlier rage still rampaging across the jungle, as Hades did some heavy breathing, before smoothing back his hair.
“Okay, okaaaay. Look, I need to know where he’s going, and I KNOW you know. Let's make a deal on it, yea?” Chara asked, moving his hand out for a shake, as Frisk pushed it aside.
“What are you even asking?” Frisk asked.
Chara breathed heavily. “Look, really sorry, I’m just in a bit of a time crunch here, y’know? Stress is really getting to me? I’m trying to find him so I can warn him Zeus is hunting him. How about this: I can’t hurt him unless he hurts me, in exchange for knowing where he went, right?” Hades asked.
“Oh, okay, that sounds reasonable!” Frisk said, holding out her hand to shake, as Chara eagerly shook it.
“FANTASTIC! PRESTO! Thanks so much Frisk, you’re a real nice lady, y’know? Two thumbs up, presto!” Chara said, quickly backpedaling, as Frisk gave him a slight wave, still concerned about the situation.
Frisk, you bozo, Chara’s obviously lying!!! Smh.
||| Our OPtale boys are in trouble, let’s go check up on them |||
Ares and Hephasteus walked through a desert, both silent, as they looked around at the area. “You spot anything? To what this map says, we have to find the VERY specific weird cat statue, then turn right.” Ares read off the map, as Hephasteus looked around.
“Sorry, I got nothing.” Hephasteus responded, hobbling about as he looked throughout the desert. They both heard a gust of wind, as they turned around, to see a very angered Hades, his teeth gritting, as Hephasteus looked at him with a level of fear. OP Sans was just bored because he was too indifferent as to avoid self preservation once again.
“Ah, Zeus’s two failed abortions! Great to make your acquaintances once again. Now please, die.” Hades said briefly, as a massive sand worm shot out of the ground behind him. Sans took a defensive stance, as Hephasteus slammed his hand forward, a geyser of fire coming out of the ground beneath Hades, which just phased through him, as he disappeared. The Sandworm roared in rage, as Ares and Hephasteus turned to each other.
“NIGERUNDAYOOOOO” Ares said, as he and Hephasteus started running full speed away from the sandworm, as it turned to them. Wait how is Hephaestus run- whatever, they’re gods. It landed on the ground, as it immediately began slithering after them. Ares turned, noticing a convenient temple in the distance, as he pointed to it.
“THERE’S A TEMPLE!” He shouted.
“RIGHT, I SEE IT TOO!” Hephasteus responded, as the two began sprinting towards it, tearing up the desert behind themselves, as the sandworm pursued them. Yes, I was lazy enough to just name the monster sandworm, problem? Anyway, the two of them slid into the temple, as the worm crashed down the entrance. The two of them leapt over a pit of lava set there as a trap as the worm slithered over it, continuing to tear up the temple behind itself.
The two of them ran down some stairs, as the worm slammed its head into the temple wall, collapsing the first level of the temple onto itself. Ares looked up, as he smirked.
“I’ve got a plan.” He said, as they slid down a nearby obstacle.
“What is it?” Papyrus asked, groaning in pain from his braces pushing against his legs, as Sans hoisted him onto his shoulder.
“We get it deep into the temple catacombs, then collapse the whole thing on it.” Ares said.
“So cliche it might just work.” Papyrus mused, as the two slid further down the temple catacombs. Ares slipped on a rock, letting go of Papyrus, as they heard the sandworm break through another wall. It roared in anger, as Ares summoned a spear, tossing it to Papyrus. He squinted, before hurling the spear with immense strength, as it plunged into the sandworm’s eye, causing it to roar in pain, slithering towards them. They dodged some arrows that the temple traps shot at them as the sandworm crawled through the room, taking the arrows without much hurt. Ares and Hephasteus leapt off a nearby cliff, as they both looked up.
The worm looked down at them, as they both raised their arms, using telekinesis on the temple, as the entire structure collapsed in on itself, crashing onto the worm, as it let out a final roar, before its head was crushed. The two turned to each other, preparing to high five, only for them to land in a river. They both took a moment, before swimming to the surface. They both took gulps of air, only for them to notice a waterfall. They both screamed in fear, as they fell further into the water.
Ares awoke to the feeling of something soft on his face. He blinked a couple of times, to find himself in a cabin. He groaned, looking out the window, as he saw snow coming down around the cabin. He sighed, as he looked at his surroundings.
“Don’t move.” He heard a voice say, as he turned slightly, to see Aphrodite, who was tending to the injured Papyrus. He sighed, laying back in bed.
||| Now, to see if Adam’s Gigachad form actually worked |||
Adam punched HAM in the face, sending him flying through an empty store, as HAM collected himself, growling in rage, as he threw himself at Adam. He swung his axe, as Adam blocked with his forearm, only for him to swing the axe up, breaking his guard, before swinging the axe again, knocking Adam back, creating a small cut, as Adam felt the blood. Adam exhaled strongly, as he bolted towards HAM.
Billy crawled towards the group. “We have to fix the car… quick…” He said, holding his wound in pain, as River reached weakly for him.
“M-my- s-son-“ he stuttered. Watching his son suffer, but being unable to do anything for him because of his hands. Funnyverse crawled over, as he tried to use healing magic on his dad. Damn, this is pretty sad.
Papaya reached out, lifting the car back up with telekinesis, as he motioned for Funnyverse to help him. Funnyverse walked over, using telekinesis as well, as they started to fix up the car. Meanwhile, HAM flew past, slamming into a nearby wall of Generictale’s Underground, creating a massive shock wave that shook the whole mountain, and even cracked the barrier. HAM groaned, getting up, as he wiped the blood from his mouth.
Adam flew at him, throwing two punches, as HAM blocked them both, before Adam headbutted him in the face, staggering HAM, and punching him in the chest, sending him through another dimension. He quickly recovered, as he re-summoned his battle axe, swinging it down at Adam, as Adam moved to the side. HAM turned, as Adam pulled his fist back for a punch. HAM summoned a javelin, deflecting the punch, as he spun it, blocking another strike. Adam summoned a javelin of his own, as HAM brought his javelin down. Adam blocked it, knocking it into the air, as the two began dueling.
Errr404 groaned, as he stood up, still holding his chest in pain. He raised a hand, as he began aiding in the fixing of the dababy car, as some of the dents popped back to normal. One of the engines adjusted itself back to normal, as the three looked on in determination.
HAM spun his javelin, knocking Adam’s out of his hand, as he stabbed at him, slicing him across his face, as a bit of blood shot out. Adam looked in shock, before grunting. He punched HAM in the face, staggering him, as HAM slammed the back of his javelin into Adam’s chest, before spinning around and changing it to a club, slamming Adam into a nearby building. He ran at him, changing the weapon to a sword, as he leapt into the air, raising it into the sky, as a beam of lightning came down, empowering it. He stabbed down at Adam, as Adam raised both his hands, catching the blade as its energy coursed into him, slicing through bits of his hands. HAM smiled sadistically, as he put more pressure on the blade, shoving it down towards Adam’s soul, as Adam held the blade back, sweat going down his face. Blood began to seep from HAM’s eyes and mouth, as his smile only grew. Damn, this guy’s edgy. Adam began to feel the sword pierce his chest, as it got closer and closer to his soul. Adam continued to push the sword back, as HAM shoved it deeper. He felt it touch his soul, as he closed his eyes, preparing for the blade to pierce his soul, shattering it to pieces.
Suddenly, HAM heard a voice, as he turned. “HEY ASSHOLE!” Papaya said, as the Dababy Car revved up. HAM’s look rapidly went from confusion to rage.
“Lets gooo.” Dababy said, as the car shot at HAM like a bolt of lightning, slamming him through several trees, as it curved to a stop. Billy reached out, lifting Adam into the front seat with telekinesis. River groaned, as he looked at his mangled hands.
There was a massive explosion, as HAM blasted out from the area he had been knocked into. The Dababy Car shot after The Van 2.0, as HAM blasted after it at top speeds, nothing but violent rage in his eyes.
Meanwhile, Jerma was just whistling to himself in the car. Suddenly, he saw HAM blast through the passenger’s seat window, growling in rage.
“Get out.” He said, as Jerma quickly teleported into the passenger’s seat, with HAM taking the driver’s seat, the pressure of his fingers nearly crushing the wheel. He spun the van around, sending Ink, Error, and Chara into the wall.
“HEY-“ Ink said, being cut off.
“SHUT UP!” HAM roared, as Ink cowered back in fear from his voice. HAM slammed on the gas, as meanwhile Papaya was driving the Dababy Car. They saw a distant light through the snow, as Billy turned to Papaya.
“Uh, I think he’s coming right for us.” He said.
“Shit-“ Papaya said, swirling the car around, as he just barely dodged the Van. The Van swerved, as Jerma held onto his seatbelt uncomfortably, with Ink and The Cage again flying into the wall, just the opposite one now. Ink groaned in pain, as he rubbed his skull. Jerma’s eyes opened wide, as he watched HAM shoot ahead, with Dababy Car barely swerving out of the way.
Van 2.0 swerved again, as HAM’s eyes glowed further red with bloodlust, the smoke billowing out of his skull stuffing the van, as Jerma coughed from all the smoke. Jerma opened the sunroof, letting the smoke billow out, as meanwhile HAM shot the van after the Dababy Car.
“What are we supposed to do?!” Adam asked, as Papaya swung the car again.
“HIT HIM!” Papaya yelled, slamming the gas.
“ARE YOU CRAZY!? WE’LL-“ Billy screamed, as the car shot forward, straight at the front of Van 2.0.
“Uh oh.” Dababy said, as the cars made contact, making a massive explosion, completely destroying both vehicles, and leaving the groups on the ground, both coughing and struggling to recover from the impact. HAM and Adam got up, immediately both rushing each other, as HAM tackled Adam to the ground. Billy groaned, as he powered through his wound, sprinting down the field. Jerma coughed, slowly getting up and waving in front of his face, as he looked up, only for Billy to tackle him to the ground. Billy kicked him away, as Papaya ran over, bringing an axe down, as Jerma rolled away. Jerma got up, only for Papaya to punch him in the face, sending him sliding back. Jerma spat his tooth out, as he raised his fists to fight.
Billy began to feel the power coursing through his veins, as he barely felt the pain of his wound. He strode towards Ink and the cage, as Ink got up.
“ENOUGH! ALL OF YOU ARE BENEATH ME! I AM A CERTIFIED JOURNALIST ON UNDERNET, YOU DULL CREATURE! NOW, YOU WILL FEEL MY WRATH!” Ink screamed, floating into the air, as the full power of undernet began to be absorbed into Ink. Ink floated to the ground, giving a slight laugh, as he raised a hand to attack Billy- only for Funnyverse to shoot out on his bike, slamming into Ink and shooting him away.
“NOT THIS SHIT AAGAAAAIN!” Ink screamed, as he shot into the air and disappeared into a star.
“Huh, whaddya know.” Will commented, as he high-fived Funnyverse. He walked over to the cage, which was now smashed to pieces.
“Dear God, that was the worst experience of my life.” Error said, groaning in pain as he stood up, rolling his arms back and stretching as he stood up to his full height. He reached out, as Willy Wonka looked around, waiting for a moment, only to hear Ink’s familiar screaming.
Suddenly, Ink’s throat slammed into Error’s hand, as Error squeezed. Ink looked at him, absolute fear in his eyes, as he smiled sheepishly.
“Call it even?” He asked, as Error turned to Chara, who pulled her arms back. She flicked her finger out, as Ink was sent flying again. He slammed into HAM, creating a massive explosion, as HAM barely flinched. HAM turned to him, bloodlust clear on his face. He smirked slightly.
Adam punched at him, as he caught his fist, punching Adam in the face and knocking him over. “This is a waste of our time. We must continue towards the Temple.” He said, raising a hand, as runes appeared. Van 2.0 reappeared, as the three of them teleported inside, and quickly zoomed off.
HAM groaned in pain. “Get me a fucking joint for Christ’s sake…” He said, as Ink handed him one, and he began smoking it, before his eyes returned to normal, his grey smoke turning to purple, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
Category:Story
Category:Canon
Category:Written by Reaper
Category:Season 1
Category:Episodes