Who Shot Suzy Sheep?: Part Three

Who Shot Suzy Sheep?: Part Three is the eighth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the final part in the Who Shot Suzy Sheep? trilogy. It was written by thatjess and released on February 18, 2022.
== Transcript ==
[Overhead shot of the border between Bikini Bottom and Peppa Pig World. It is night. Cut to an exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. SpongeBob is inside in his dressing gown and sits on his couch, with a cup of warm cocoa. Gary the Snail slithers in.]
SpongeBob: Ah, I do love lazy nights in, Gary. You know, I love work and all, but sometimes it's just nice to sit back, relax and put on some TV. 
[SpongeBob turns on the TV and the news comes on. Reporter Perch Perkins is standing outside a Bikini Bottom house at night, where a young woman is being arrested.]
Perch Perkins: (on TV) -we apologise for interrupting your scheduled programming, but this is Perch Perkins reporting live for Bikini Bottom News. And this just in - the murder of LGBTQ+ rights advocate Suzy Sheep, who was shot to death in her own bedroom last night, has been found!
[SpongeBob drops his cup of cocoa onto the floor.]
SpongeBob: HOLY SMOKES!
Perch Perkins: (on TV) That’s right, it has been discovered that Suzy Sheep had been killed by local hitman Coseama Mobo.
[A stock photo of Coseama drunk at a Christmas party is shown on the TV. Coseama is shown being escorted into a police car by two police officers.]
Police Officer Panda: Right, off you go Coseama. You have the right to remain silent.
Coseama: (sighs) Alright, just look after SpongeFun for me.
Police Officer Squirrel: Yeah whatever.
[The two police officers get into the car and drive off.]
Perch Perkins: (on TV) At the moment it is currently unknown who hired Suzy Sheep’s killer, or why they- (mumbling is heard through Perch’s headset) What’s that? The police are on their way to make the arrest now? Ho-ho, looks like we’ve got a live arrest of a murdered tonight folks!
[Cut to a whole SWAT team of police cars driving out of Peppa Pig World. Mummy Sheep, Daddy Pig and Detective Potato are following behind them.]
Narrator: Daddy Pig, Mummy Sheep and Detective Potato are on their way to arrest the real murderer of Suzy Sheep.
Mummy Sheep: I can’t believe it! I mean, I knew he was a bad guy, but I didn’t know he was a bad guy!
Detective Potato: It’s okay, Mummy Sheep.
Daddy Pig: Are we sure it’s really him who shot Suzy Sheep?
Detective Potato: I am positive, Coseama showed me the evidence herself.
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Well… I guess it’s settled then. The person who shot Suzy Sheep, for real this time, is actually-
[Cut to the police cars making their way into a large city, and past a large clocktower. Cut to the interior of an equally large house. Banging is heard from the front door.]
Police Officer #1: LONDON POLICE! OPEN UP!
[Pause.]
Police Officer #2: WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE!
???: Wh- what’s happening?
????: (sighs) It’s okay, Carrie, let me handle this…
[A large figure wearing a navy suit opens the door.]
Police Officer #1: You have the right to remain silent, you are under arrest on suspicion of murder…
[Pause.]
Police Officer #2: Boris Johnson.
[It is revealed that Boris Johnson is on the other end of the door, holding a tray of tea.]
Boris Johnson: Would you like a cup of tea?
Police Officer #2: Eh?
Boris Johnson: Will you have a cup of tea?
Police Officer #1: Sir, you are being arrested for murder.
Boris Johnson: I want you to have a cup of tea.
Police Officer #2: Bori-
Boris Johnson: You need to have a cup of tea.
Police Officer #1: You nee-
Boris Johnson: Please take a cup of tea.
[A couple of police officers start taking the tea.]
Police Officer #3: Thank you.
Boris Johnson: You’re welcome.
Police Officer #2: But Bor-
Boris Johnson: I am here solely on a humanitarian mission because you have been here all day, and you have been so nice, and I have nothing left to say or offer you, except a cup of TEEE.
[Cut to Boris Johnson and a couple of police officers sitting in an interrogation room, sipping on their cups of tea.]
Police Officer #1: Mmm, this is good tea.
Police Officer #4: Is this Tetley?
Boris Johnson: Yorkshire, actually, it’s Yorkshire Tea. I’m not from Yorkshire myself, but I just find it’s just easier to get that… um, th- th- that stronger taste, innit?
[Detective Potato enters.]
Detective Potato: Evening, lads.
Police Officer #3: Evening!
Boris Johnson: Ah, Detective Potato! I must say I’m a big fan of your TV show. You want a cuppa of Yorkshire Tea?
Detective Potato: Sorry but I don’t drink tea.
Police Officer #2: HE DOESN’T DRINK TEA?!
Police Officer #1: WHAT KIND OF BRIT ARE YOU?
Detective Potato: I’m originally from France actually. Do we have any Brandy?
Boris Johnson: Ooh! I think I might do actually! I just need to-
[Mummy Sheep bursts in.]
Mummy Sheep: WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU LOT DOING?!
Narrator: Oh dear. Mummy Sheep is a bit pissed off!
Detective Potato: Mummy Sheep, I told you to wait outside!
Mummy Sheep: This isn’t some kind of fancy tea party! My daughter was killed by… by… by the leader of our country! (turns to Boris Johnson) What do you have to say for yourself?
Boris Johnson: Would you like a cup of tea?
Mummy Sheep: Fuck your tea!
[Mummy Sheep throws the cup of tea off the table.]
Mummy Sheep: Alright, everyone move over! I’m leading this interrogation!
[The police officers and Detective Potato stand up and move to the other side of the room. Mummy Sheep sits down opposite Boris Johnson, and starts recording the conversation.]
Mummy Sheep: Now, Mr. Alexander-
Boris Johnson: It’s, er, Boris Johnson.
Mummy Sheep: No it’s not, you eejit! Your name is Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson! Your name isn’t even Boris! Now, tell me, what other things have you been lying about? Did you, or did you not, order the murder of Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: Well, you see um… here at the Conservative Party we believe that we need to do what’s best for the country and we value everyone’s opinions and always take them to heart. If it wasn’t for the public’s best interests-
Mummy Sheep: Did you or did you not order the murder of Suzy Sheep?
[Pause.]
Boris Johnson: …well, you see… I might have ordered the murder of Suzy Sheep, but you see at the time I was completely under the impression that it was a work event!
Mummy Sheep: …you thought murdering my daughter was a work event?
Boris Johnson: Well yes!
Police Officer #1: I mean it’s a fair enough excuse to me.
Police Officer #3: Yeah!
Police Officer #4: (sighs) Keir Starmer wouldn’t have been this dumb…
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Alright, so… even if you did somehow… think murdering my daughter was a “work event”... why? J- just why? How could you be so heartless and just- just kill Suzy like that?
Boris Johnson: Well… um… you see there is a perfectly logical explanation… and that is… it is a very clear and obvious explanation… and it makes complete sense and… you see-
Detective Potato: Just get to the point!
Boris Johnson: Okay! I killed Suzy Sheep for a distraction!
Mummy Sheep: …a distraction?
Boris Johnson: Yes! You see, I’ve been under fire a lot recently for… well, you know… breaking the law just a teensy weensy little bit and holding large work events-
Mummy Sheep: Parties.
Boris Johnson: -holding large parties while the whole country has been on lockdown because of the Granolavirus! And, um, well… I just thought that maybe, just maybe… if I killed Suzy Sheep everyone would forget about it?
Mummy Sheep: YOU MONSTER! YOU- YOU…. YOU SAUSAGE ROLL!
Boris Johnson: I DID IT FOR THE COUNTRY OKAY?
Mummy Sheep: YOU KILLED A FIVE YEAR OLD FOR THE COUNTRY? SHE HAD HER WHOLE LIFE AHEAD OF HER!
Boris Johnson: I have my whole life ahead of me! I’m the boss of this entire country!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) If you weren’t the prime minister I would punch you right now.
Boris Johnson: Okay… (reaches into his wallet) Fifty quid says we keep this quiet, deal?
Mummy Sheep: Pffft, as if I’d fall for tha-
Boris Johnson: One hundred and fifty quid.
[Pause.]
Mummy Sheep: Okay it’s a deal.
[Cut to the police escorting Boris Johnson outside the police station. Loads of reporters and cameras are waiting outside.]
Perch Perkins: Mr. Johnson, what happened?
Reporter #2: Did you kill Suzy Sheep?
[Cut to Mummy Sheep and Daddy Pig driving back to Mummy Sheep’s house. It is now the middle of the night. The two get out of the car.]
Mummy Sheep: Ugh, I can’t believe I took that fucking bastard’s bait! I mean, I could brought him to justice right then and there!
Daddy Pig: I know, I know! But we still have the evidence! We could “cancel” him, you know as the kids say, anytime we want!
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) I mean… I guess so. But it’s not like anyone would believe us! He’s the prime minister!
Daddy Pig: Well… you know I believe you.
Mummy Sheep: I know you do… but… (sighs) I want everyone else to.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Er, pardon me Mummy Sheep, but it is very late and it’s a long walk back to Bikini Bottom. Would you mind if I stayed the night?
Mummy Sheep: (sighs) Okay, fine.
[Pause. Daddy Pig and Mummy Sheep stare at each other, before embracing and heading inside the house. Fade to black.]
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