Paul Mattingly's Nine minute Monkey Joke

A joke that Paul Mattingly told in response to a Fake Commercial on episode 843: Don't Eat Cake Before Bed about a monkey visiting a firehouse. This was put in an animatic (link) by Brogan Hastings (@7billionneedles) and created as a tapestry for the store.
Transcription of the joke:JACOB: I'll tell you else who thinks that… that boy gon’ to die? And that's the following sponsor.MATT: Today's sponsor is ‘Paul Mattingly's Instructional Guide To Beating A Dead Horse, Fourth Edition’.PAUL: Alright. So you guys have already heard many other editions. This edition has a special extended monkey joke section.MATT: Oh?PAUL: Yeah.MATT: Now with more monkey jokes.PAUL: Yeah-yeah. So uh, this fire department is trying to get awareness and raise money for their department of course, right?JACOB: Okay.PAUL: And they need some kind of a gimmick. Uh, their Dalmatian passed away a couple months ago and they're thinking…JACOB: Oh no!PAUL: Okay, let's get it… let's get a new dog, right? That's then, we can then, we can put that as the face of the department and uh you know, new advertising. We can roll it out with ‘Sparky the Fire Dog’ or whatever.JACOB: Great, great.PAUL: One of the guys pipes up. Says, “You know guys, my cousin worked in Bolivia for a long time and he knew a little something about the ape trade out there. And you know there's a… there's an exchange of primates. I think I could get us a monkey to be the mascot for our thing.” And he's like, “Really?” “Yeah, I think we could do this.” And the guys are like, “Uh, I don't know. That sounds… Alright, fine.” Well anyway, they get the monkey, they order the monkey.MATT: Oh good.JACOB: Thank goodness.PAUL: Monkey shows up, and the guys are like, “Oh great!” But it's crazy. Of course it's fuckin’ insane.JACOB: It's a crazy monkey.PAUL: They let it out of… out of the… it just… it's all over the firehouse. Throwing shit, shitting on shit, breaking things. They're like, “Fuck!”MATT: Regrets.PAUL: “We did not plan.”JACOB: Yeah.PAUL: Regret. Instant regret. “God damn it! We did not plan…”JACOB: Should have gotten a basset hound.MATT: Buyer’s remorse.PAUL: …anything. Anything other than this fuckin’ monkey.MATT: Parakeet.PAUL: It's going crazy all over the place. Tearing shit up, starting fires in the firehouse. They're like…JACOB: Oh, that's not what you want.PAUL: It's not only counter productive, it's real bad messaging.MATT: It's a real stain on the reputation.JACOB: It's certainly embarrassing.PAUL: Totally is, totally is. So they're like, “Well damn it, this is no… this will not stand. We're going to have to send the monkey back.” And the guy's like, “Ah okay, what are we going to do for, you know, fundraising and what?” And they're like, “What do we always do? Chili cook off.” He's like, “All right. Right. The old chili cook off.”JACOB: The old standby.PAUL: So they decide to do the old fireman's chili cook off.JACOB: It's a standby for a reason.PAUL: He's cooking all the chili and you know there's lots of… but then uh… in the night the monkey gets loose. The monkey gets loose and he goes and he… and he shits in all the chilis. And in the morning, the firemen are trying to find the monkey, they're trying ABCD to get the chili going. They serve up all the chili to everybody, and you know everybody in town gets deadly sick, and uh… all the firemen…JACOB: Chili had a nutty flavor.PAUL: All the firemen get really sick except for the guy who suggested that they get the monkey, because he doesn't like chili. Part of the reason he wanted the monkey, he didn't want to do another chili festival. Anyway the firemen are knocked out. Half the town, sick, just done. They’re fucked! Uh, and all of a sudden they get an alert. And sure enough the orphanage way up on atop of the hill has caught fire. Like, what a fucking time for the orphanage to catch fire. This is the worst!MATT: We’re in a sea of diarrhea.PAUL: Yeah. Everybody shit themselves.MATT: Yeah.PAUL: There's only one…MATT: Chili induced dysentery.PAUL: There's one able bodied fireman left.MATT: Okay.PAUL: And he's like… he's like, “I can't take this firetruck. I can't get this rig up that hill because someone has to steer the back rigging.”MATT: Oh.PAUL: You know? And he's… “And I don't have any other, anybody else to.” But sure enough just as he's thinking that, around the corner peeks the monkey.MATT: Yeah.JACOB: Yeah.PAUL: He's like this is…MATT: Aside from the dysentery, this is an episode of Curious George.PAUL: He's like… he's like… he's like, “Okay. I don't have a choice. This is what we gotta fuckin’ do.”MATT: Nice.JACOB: It's for the orphans.PAUL: He grabs the monkey, straps it into the back rigging, and ties his arms to the wheel on the back. Right? So the monkey is tied and strapped to this wheel and he's going to be steering the back rigging. Now he's just going bananas. The monkey's losing his mind, and the guy's like, “Fuck it. I gotta drive. I gotta go.” Guy jumps in the truck because there's no time to lose. That orphanage is cooking. He floors it and starts heading up this dangerous mountain pass to get to the orphanage. The whole time he's driving through Main Street, the monkey is wildly swinging the back rigging into everything. He is taking out telephone poles. He's taking out traffic lights. He is smashing cars but he's gotta get to that orphanage. So he's still going, he's like, “Oh this is terrible, but I'm still going.” He goes and goes and goes and goes and goes, drives, drives, drives. They get to the very dangerous mountain pass that leads to the orphanage, it's not a whole lot of room. It's a car length size at best. He's gotta take this all the way up with the crazy monkey. He's like, “Fuck it, gotta do it. It's for the kids.”MATT: What a precariously planned location for an orphanage.PAUL: Absolutely. That… that alone should tell you something about this town. So he drives up…JACOB: Oh it does.PAUL: He drives up the mountain, he keeps going… he keeps going… he keeps going… he keeps going. He's like, “I think I'm going to fuckin’ do this! This sucks, you know the monkey is almost taking me off the edge like five times but I think I'm going to make it.” He gets about oh… ninety feet from the orphanage, coming up around the final, uh, curve. The monkey, the monkey looks to his…MATT: I about doubt this is the final curve.PAUL: …looks to his side and sees, that there's a little tiny branch of a tree with an apple growing on it off the side of the mountain, and the monkey's like, “Oh I gotta get it.” You know, he wants that apple. So, he yarnks, and yanks, and turns so hard that the back rigging of the truck falls off the side of the mountain. And of course, the rest of it follows. Tumble, tumble, tumble, tumble, tumble. You know, about a thousand feet. Crash… crash and burn. Done. Done.MATT: Tough day.PAUL: Right? Uh, the orphanage is burning down and we see… and we see the orphanage there and the guy… and we see that there's an old man and a little boy who have seen the whole thing happen.JACOB: Okay.PAUL: It turns out they're the last two survivors of the orphanage inferno.MATT: Mm-hmm.PAUL: It's the orphanage, uh, the guy who runs the orphanage, the old man who runs the orphanage, and one of the orphans. And they're both welling up tears in their eyes having seen all this tragedy go on. And the… the old man, he just kind of puts his hand to his head and he says, “You know, I can't help but think of an old lesson that my mother taught me years ago. Words of wisdom when something like this happens.”JACOB: Okay.PAUL: And the little boy says, “Uh, is it ‘Never let the monkey drive the back rigging of the firetruck?’” He says, “Well no, I was thinking ‘Don't eat cake before bed’ but yours applies much better in this situation.”JACOB: Enter ‘HEYSCOOPS’ at check-out.MATT: We'll see you sooooon!JACOB: Uh, that was nine minutes.PAUL: I…JACOB: Nine minutes.PAUL: I have twenty-plus minute versions of that, that I used to tell in college.JACOB: No doubt. No doubt at all.