SquidBob

SquidBob is the forty-third episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the fifth episode of the fifth and final season. It was written by and released on July 10, 2023.
== Transcript == 
[Johnny’s apartment.]
Johnny: I don’t understand women. Do you, Peter?
Peter: (laughs) What man does? What’s the problem?
Johnny: They never say what they mean, and they always play games.
Peter: Okay… um… what do you mean?
Johnny: I have a serious problem with Lisa. Um… I don’t think she’s faithful to me. In fact, I know she isn’t.
Peter: Lisa? Are you sure?
Johnny: Yeah, I’m sure, I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother. What should I do, Peter?
Peter: This is Lisa we’re talking about?
Johnny: Yeah.
Peter: I don’t know what to say.
Johnny: But you’re a psychologist! Do you have some advice?
Peter: It’s a complicated situation, Johnny. I mean you’re my friend. I don’t want to get between you and Lisa. Look. If you want to, you should confront her.
Johnny: I can’t confront her! I want to give her a second chance, after all, she’s my future wife. You know what they say - “Love is blind.”
Peter: You’ve got a lot of faith in Lisa. Sometimes, life gets complicated. The unexpected can happen. When it does, you just gotta deal with it.
[The doorbell rings.]
Peter: Did you hear the door?
Johnny: Yeah. 
[Johnny answers the door. Squidward is there.]
Johnny: Oh hi, Squidward. Come in.
[Squidward enters.]
Squidward: Oh, hey, Johnny. Hey Peter!
Johnny: We’re just talking about women.
Squidward: (long pause) Women, man. Women just confuse me. I prefer men honestly.
Johnny: Hahaha! Fairy, Squidward, you’re just a little fairy!
Squidward: And so what if I am?
Johnny: That is okay. I’m just kidding. People can like who they like, huh? You know what they say - “Love is blind.”
Peter: You already said that.
Johnny: Well that’s because it is the truth.
Peter: Can’t argue with that. How are you, Squidward?
Squidward: I’m okay. Actually, um, I wanted to talk with you, Peter.
Peter: I’m kind of in the middle of a session with Johnny right now.
Johnny: Lisa is teasing me about whether we are going to get married or not. And we didn’t make love in a while. And I don’t know what to do.
Squidward: Oh…
Peter: Besides, Squidward, I thought you were speaking with that other psychologist, Sparro.
Squidward: Peter, this is urgent.
Peter: But I-
Johnny: It’s okay, Peter, Let Squidward say what he has to say, hunh?
Peter: (laughs) Okay. What’s wrong, Squidward?
Squidward: I, uh… I…
Peter: It’s okay, Squidward, tell me your problems.
Squidward: I… well…
Johnny: Just spit it out, man! Don’t be afraid!
Squidward: I… um… I… OKAY FINE! I KISSED SPONGEBOB!!!
[Pause.]
Johnny: Hahaha! What a story, Squidward.
Squidward: IT’S NOT A STORY, JOHNNY! IT’S TRUE!
Johnny: It’s not bullshit?
Peter: Well, um… I- I don’t really understand what the problem is.
Squidward: This was a week ago. I haven’t spoken to SpongeBob since. I’ve faked being sick all week just so I don’t have to see his handsome little face at The Krusty Krab!
Peter: Oh.
Squidward: I love SpongeBob, but… I just don’t know if he loves me back. 
Johnny: You can love someone deep inside your heart, and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people love each other, the world would be a better place to live!
Squidward: I DON’T WANT TO LOVE HIM DEEP INSIDE MY HEART! I want to love him in real life.
Peter: Well… has SpongeBob said anything about the kiss?
Squidward: I’ve told you, I’ve been avoiding him. I… (sighs) I just don’t know what to do.
Peter: Love is complicated, man. If you ask me, Squidward, you just have to tell SpongeBob how you really feel. I mean, if you don’t then you will be stuck holding these feelings you have for him inside forever. 
Squidward: I… guess so. But I don’t even know if SpongeBob likes men! He’s never really seemed like the sort to have sexual thoughts about anyone, thinking about it.
Peter: Well… even if SpongeBob doesn’t reciprocate your feelings, then you can start moving on, you know? 
Johnny: Peter, you always play psychologist with us!
Peter: It’s kind of my job.
Squidward: Thanks, Peter.
Peter: Don’t mention it.
Squidward: I… I guess I will have to go tell SpongeBob how I feel.
Peter: You go get him, tiger.
Johnny: And keep in mind, if you have any problems, talk to me, and I will help you.
Squidward: Awesome. Thanks, Johnny.
Johnny: Bye Squidward.
Squidward: Bye Johnny. Bye Peter.
Peter: Bye-bye.
[Squidward leaves The Room as Mark enters.]
Johnny: Oh hi Mark.
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[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Inside, SpongeBob is moping around in his library. Gary 3 walks in.]
Gary 3: Uncle Pig and Stanley are going to the Olive Garden. Are you coming or-
SpongeBob: (sighs)
Gary 3: What’s the matter?
SpongeBob: Squidward’s still avoiding me.
Gary 3: L
SpongeBob: I just don’t get it! I’ve been waiting for him to kiss me since we first met, and now that he finally has he doesn’t want to fucking talk to me! What the fuck, man?! Did someone dare him to do it or something? Was it a sick joke?!
Gary 3: You’re overthinking things. 
SpongeBob: It’s 2023, Gary. I doubt Squidward is actually in hospital with the Granolavirus. He’s probably next door watching House Fancy, laughing about how STUPID I am!
Gary 3: Calm down. You’re just being ridiculous. Are you coming to the Olive Garden or not?
SpongeBob: I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE FUCKING OLIVE GARDEN!
Gary 3: Jesus Christ, SpongeBob. You’re really obsessed with Squidward, aren’t you?
SpongeBob: YES!
Gary 3: I thought you were asexual.
SpongeBob: That doesn’t mean I’m aromantic. Besides, I don’t even know what I am anymore. I’m a grown-ass adult, Gary. I thought I would have everything figured out by now. 
Gary 3: Look, SpongeBob, it’s okay that you're feeling confused and frustrated right now. Relationships and emotions can be complicated and it's normal to have uncertainties. But it's important to remember that communication is key. You need to talk to Squidward. Trust me, SpongeBob, I get fat hoes.
SpongeBob: You’ve never dated anyone in your life.
Gary 3: What about Belle Delphine?
SpongeBob: She’s an OnlyFans model! You’ve never even met her!
Gary 3: DON’T TALK ABOUT MY PRETEND GIRLFRIEND LIKE THAT!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay. Sorry Gary.
Gary 3: SpongeBob, it's possible that Squidward is just as unsure and scared as you are. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it might be worth giving him the opportunity to express himself when he's ready.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Gary. You’re a good pet. And sorry for freaking out earlier.
Gary 3: It’s okay. Now, we are going to the Olive Garden and getting that never-ending pasta bowl because I am starving. You are coming with us because you clearly need to get out of the house. That is a demand. 
SpongeBob: (sighs) …okay. You’re right.
Gary 3: Fuck yeah I am! Also, Stanley, Uncle Pig, and I have no money so we need you to pay.
SpongeBob: Aaaand there it is, right on cue, your ulterior motive.
Gary 3: Also I need V-Bucks because they added Andrew Tate to the Fortnite item shop and I need him.
[Cut to SpongeBob, Gary 3, Stanley and Uncle Pig walking towards the pineapple’s front door.]
SpongeBob: I am not buying you V-Bucks, Gary.
Gary 3: FUCK YOU!
Uncle Pig: Just give him the V-Bucks, man!
SpongeBob: I’m not made of money, you know!
[SpongeBob opens the door. Squidward is standing there with an umbrella. In the pouring rain.]
Squidward: …hi.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Squ- Squ- Squid… Squidward…?
[Pause.]
Gary 3: …actually, maybe we shouldn’t go to the Olive Garden.
Uncle Pig: Augh, fine… I’ll get a pizza.
[Stanley, Uncle Pig and Gary 3 walk back further into the house, leaving SpongeBob and Squidward alone.]
[Pause.]
Squidward: C- C- C- Could I come in? It’s, um… it’s cold out here.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Um… yeah, yeah, sure. Sorry. Hehe.
[SpongeBob lets Squidward in and shuts the door behind him. Squidward folds up his umbrella.]
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: …so…
Squidward: …so…
SpongeBob: …you don’t actually have the Granolavirus…?
Squidward: …no, I… I- I don’t actually… have… the Granolavirus…
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: …look, Squidward, about the kiss I-
Squidward: I’M SORRY I KISSED YOU!
[Pause.]
Squidward: I LOVE YOU, SPONGEBOB! I ALWAYS HAVE! EVEN WHEN YOU ANNOY ME TO DEATH, IT JUST MAKES ME FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU ALL OVER AGAIN! EVERY DAY I SEE YOU, SPONGEBOB, I JUST WANT TO STAY WITH YOU AND LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU! I SHOULDN’T HAVE KISSED YOU THOUGH! THAT WAS SO, SO, SO JUST… FUCKING SELFISH OF ME! I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW PRETTY YOUR EYES WERE AND BEFORE I REALISED WHAT I WAS DOING OUR LIPS WERE MAKING CONTACT AND- I’M SO SORRY YOU HAD TO FIND OUT THIS WAY! I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE ME BACK AND I SHOULD HAVE NEVER, EVER-
[SpongeBob leans in and gives Squidward a long smooch on the lips. He pulls way and both of them begin intensely blushing.]
Squidward: Oh… wow… SpongeBob…
SpongeBob: …I’m sorry… I- I- 
[The two start passionately making out with one another.]
SpongeBob: Squidward, I’ve always loved you. Ever since we first met. I just… never thought that you would-
SpongeBob and Squidward: -feel the same way.
[The two giggle.]
Squidward: God- have- have we really been in love with each other? All this time?
SpongeBob: I… I guess so.
[The two giggle again.]
Squidward: We’re so pathetic!
[The two start making out again. Uncle Pig walks in, holding his phone.]
Uncle Pig: SpongeBob, what do you want on your pizz-
[He notices SpongeBob and Squidward passionately making love.]
Uncle Pig: I… I’ll just get you a pepperoni.
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