Murder, She Boat/Quotes

:Marge: [singing] I'm getting the mail, hallelujah I'm getting the mail. It's something to do. [stops singing] Hmm. What the Helen Mirren?
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:Marge: Stimulus checks? We were supposed to cash these during the the pandemic. Should we spend the money now or wait for the next one?
:Bart: So what are we gonna blow it on, jet ski or motorbike? Vroom, vroom, vroom!
:Lisa: [to Marge] Mom, there is something I've always wanted for this family, but it's not a thing, exactly.
:Bart: Vroom?
:Lisa: ...but rather, it's an experience. Something we can all treasure and talk about for years to come.
:Marge: Wow. Well, then maybe we should do it.
:Bart: [to Marge] Wait, that's the move? Go all sincere and emo? Gross.
:[Bart walks away from the kitchen]
:Lisa: There is one small issue. My idea will take some finessing with Dad.
:Marge: Hmm.
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:Homer: Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Surprise money, then a surprise cruise? Two is the perfect number of surprises.
:Lisa: [to Homer] It sure is, Dad. We're going on a regular cruise with absolutely nothing about it you'd hate.
:[Homer notices, it's Pacific Princess Leia]
:Homer: What the hell is wrong with this boat? [whimpers]
:Marge: "The Pacific Princess Leia is a cruise by and for fans of sci-fi, fantasy, comic books, anime and video games."
:Homer: But-but those are all just different names for...
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:Dr. Hibbert: Only two of those defective toys were made before they caught the mistake.
:Bernice Hibbert: This you remember, but every year, our anniversary evades you.
:Dr. Hibbert: Don't embarrass me in front of the other Blades.
:[Four of them are snickering.]
:Bart: Vomit Book Guy in on the boat? Ugh, cruise ruined.
:Marge: What do you have against the Comic Book Guy?
:Bart: I walked into his store two weeks ago...
:(Flashback at the comic book store.)
:Bart: I know this is weird, but I actually drew a comic book of my own.
:Comic Book Guy: Hmm. 
:Bart: Check it out. He's half-croc, half-gator, and full prankster. 
:Comic Book Guy: Huh. Wow. You know what? I'm really impressed. I'm going to fax this right away to my friends at "Man, You Suck Publishing." [then he shreds his comic book into a shredding machine]
:[Bart gasps]
:Comic Book Guy: [laughs] You suck!
:[All laughing at Bart after Comic Book Guy has shredded his comic book]
:(Back to the cruise.)
:Bart: I swear to God, one day I'm going to get my revenge on Comic Book Guy.
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:Bart: Oh, look out. [grunts] Don't give that guy money. He's a dream-crushing jackass and he doesn't deserve dollar one. [to Comic Book Guy] I hope one day someone destroys the thing you love most.
:[The lights have been switched off]
:Carl: Somebody turned off the lights.
:[The lights are back on, and Radioactive Man action figure is beheaded]
:[The crowd are gasping, and Helen Lovejoy gasps]
:Lenny: The doll's head. It's gone.
:Comic Book Guy: Speak to me, oh, headless Radioactive collectible.
:Kumiko: Oh, sweet suffering mate. Let me share in your distress. [singing in Japanese]
:Comic Book Guy: Who could have done such a thing? Who c-- [stammers]
:[Comic Book Guy collapses]
:Hedonismbot: Oh, the agony!
:Sideshow Mel: I wager Bart Simpson did this. He had the motive, mean and he's a notorious stinker. That is a recipe for murder.
:Luann Van Houten: And look at the three tiny scratch marks on Bart's cheek. 
:Cruise Officer: No one murders a doll on my ship. To the brig.
:[Bart is being dragged by the cruise officer and sent to prison]
:Homer: [singing] Ba-da-da-dum (x3) [stops singing] D'oh! D'oh!
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:Lisa: [groans] Damn it.
:[Lisa may notices Taika Waititi is eating in the hallway]
:Taika Waititi: Lisa. Are you also up dusting for prints? That's what I call eating leftover food off people's room-service trays.
:Lisa: I don't care! If one more horrible thing happens, I'm going to lose it.
:Kumiko: [screams] My sweet Comic Book Guy is gone. 
:Lisa: Of course he is. I means... [shouting]
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:Lisa: Bart's in jail, our one credible witness just got sucker-shielded, Comic Book Guy is missing, and we're still no closer to solving the case.
:Taika Waititi: So many twists and turns. What kind of murder mystery is this?
:Kumiko: Stop talking, Taika Waititi!
:Taika Waititi: That's it. I know who murdered the the toy. But I just need one thing: An audience to watch me milk the big reveal.
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:(In Waititi's room.)
:[The resident of Springfield are searching for a Radioactive Man action figure in his room.]
:Taika Waititi: You can't just tear my cabin apart! You need a warrant!
:Chief Wiggum: No, we don't. We're in international waters.
:Taika Waititi: We're in the middle of Lake Springfield. I can see the Lard Lad statue from here.
:[Lenny found a unbroken Radioactive Man action figure from Comic Book Guy.]
:Lenny: Here it is, Comic Book Guy's original doll unbroken.
:Taika Waititi: Damn it. Yes, it's true, Lenny. I did it. I threw my New Zealand Radioactive Man across the room when I found out the streamer was shelving the second season of my series without airing it. 
:Sideshow Mel: For tax purposes?
:Taika Waititi: Yes, for tax purposes. So I hatched this plan because I needed for money to throw into my already enormous pile of money.
:[The cruise officer handcuffs Taika Waititi.]
:Taika Waititi: You haven't seen the last of me. I've got powerful friends in New Zealand. Hobbits, orcs, Lorde, ents, Melanie Lynskey, the "How Bizarre" guy. We are a powerful nation. [shrieks] Ow! Ow!
:[Taika Waititi is dragged away by the cruise officer and arrested]
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:(Gary Chalmers appear after Taika Waititi is arrested.)
:Chalmers: Lisa, your explanation was comprehensive and utterly persuasive. But as I was headed to get an orange soda from the refrigerator, one nagging problem did occur to me. You see--
:Homer: [to Chalmers] Oh, no. Don't you dare start pulling threads. That's not how mysteries work. Once a smart character like Sherlock Holmes or Lisa does a super long explanation of all the stuff you didn't notice because you dumb, you just believe it and move on.
:[Everyone cheering, and Homer hugs Lisa.]
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:Lisa: There is one thing I can't figure out. What happened to Comic Book Guy? I mean, we looked everywhere. [gasps] Except the one place he would never go.
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:(In the gym, Kumiko see and tells Comic Book Guy what happened.)
:Kumiko: Oh, my sarcastic darling. What happened to you?
:Comic Book Guy: Permit me to explain.
:Homer: [to CBG] Oh, more explaining?
:(Flashback)
:Comic Book Guy: When Lisa and Taika Waititi began questioning suspects, I set up a surveillance device because I wanted to mock their inept methods of interrogation.
:Milhouse (hologram): I hate Comic Book Guy, but then again, so does everyone.
:Flanders (hologram): He smells like baked beans that have been left out in the sun.
:Sideshow Mel (hologram): I loathe his voice. Who speaks with such exaggerated affectation?
:Comic Book Guy: No one should ever have to hear what people actually think of them.
:(Back to the gym.)
:Comic Book Guy: Apparently, I am not a beloved quirky character, like Kramer. Instead, I am widely reviled, like the guy who played Kramer. So, I hid here, surrounded only by shame and whatever these metal things are.
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:(At the prison, Bart is freed. Thanks to Lisa for solving her mystery.)
:Bart: [to Lisa] I don't want to get all sincere and emo, but thanks, Lisa. You never lost faith in me. 
:Lisa: Well, if I'm being totally honest... 
:[Marge speaking quietly to Lisa]
:Lisa: ...I never did.
:[Bart hugs Lisa]
----
:(Note: This episode was edited from original before the episode ends.)
:(At Comic Book Guy's room.)
:Kumiko (hologram): I just want back my sweet Comic Book gaijin. [sobs]
:Comic Book Guy: Once again, a critical lesson is learned via hologram. I have been a fool.
:[Outside, Comic Book Guy is abandoning a Radioactive Man action figure and dumps into the ocean]
:Kumiko: [to CBG] Best husband ever.
:(Kumiko and Comic Book Guy hugs together, and then walks back to his room as the episode ends.)
Category:Quotes
Category:Season 35 quotes
Category:Episode Quotes