Bloons, Pursued by a Bear

"Bloons, Persued by a Bear" is the sixteenth episode of SBFW: Finding Bigfoot, and the sixth episode of the second season. Written by JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway, the episode was first aired on 16th March 2022.
===Synopsis===
A paranoid Mr. Renaud finds faith in the doctrine of Conner Malarky.
===Transcript===
[The episode starts with Mr. Renaud out of his mayoral suit, in rags that he scrabbled together to act as “casual clothes”. He is attending a rally, led by no-one, all kneeling down and praying. Mr. Renaud elbows one of the followers and questions them.]
Mr. Renaud: Hey, what’s up with you and your friends? What’s all this?
Cult Member: Conner. Conner Malarky.
Mr. Renaud: Huh?
[The cult member drags Renaud down so that he kneels to the ground. Renaud is initially hesitant but his pupils dilate as he realises the mythical figure in front of him: an orange fish with a massive bulge in his blue pants. He hears his strong voice booming.]
Conner Malarky: Come forth, young one. 
Mr. Renaud: Which one?
Conner Malarky: The fourth one.
[Mr. Renaud counts in his head, realising that he is the fourth person.]
Mr. Renaud: I’m here! Not young, though.
Conner Malarky: Younger than me. After all, I’m five Bibles old. I see you are new to the cult of Malarky. Have you performed the initiation process?
Mr. Renaud: W-well, not yet, Mr. Malarky.
Conner Malarky: Well, it must be time. Swimming pool! Now!
[A dreamy transition into a gorgeous swimming pool. Mr. Renaud, now in a very revealing Speedo, is preparing to dive into the pool. An instructor, inexplicably elderly despite his profession, is holding a gun and counts down from three.]
Instructor: Three, two, one…
[The instructor misfires into his own chest, but Mr. Renaud ignores this and dives into the pool. In the middle of his route, there is a large Bible of unknown origin. Renaud, using his greasy meat slabs of hands, grabs desperately onto the Bible and starts chomping down. He hears the voice of Conner Malarky.]
Conner Malarky: YOU CAN DO IT! Make that Bible your bitch! It means nothing to you but a healthy snack.
[With the newfound confidence, Renaud shoves the Bible into his mouth and starts swimming to the other end of the pool. Once he reaches the corner, he struggles to launch himself back onto ground, but once more, he hears the omnipresent voice of Conner Malarky.]
Conner Malarky: Get your fat, lazy ass back on the soil. Do you think Jesus was as fat as you? Probably. 
[Renaud finds the strength to lift himself back onto soil. Immediately, he grunts, preparing his gaping hole for what is about to erupt. A crowd starts cheering.]
Crowd: Paul Renaud, you’re our man! If you can’t do it, no-one can!
[The holy book, desecrated by the exhausted stains of an old man’s anal cavity, drops onto the floor in remains. Once more, Renaud hears the voice of Conner Malarky.]
Conner Malarky: Now, young one. You must rearrange the sacred words into the narrative constructed by the Cult of Malarky. If you stay true to the beliefs that have been imprinted onto you by our prior demonstration, you will know in your heart where the words lie.
Mr. Renaud: B-but I didn’t listen properly!
Conner Malarky: Bruh.
[Cut to Mr. Renaud being raised onto a shrine by members of the Malarky cult.]
Conner Malarky: You are now one with the Malarky. Repeat after me: Conner Malarky has so much sex.
Mr. Renaud: Conner Malarky has so much sex.
Conner Malarky: Conner Malarky gets the hoes.
Mr. Renaud: Conner Malarky gets all the hoes.
Conner Malarky: I didn’t say “all”, but thanks! Now, finally: Conner Malarky is God of Cocks.
Mr. Renaud: [pause] No, I am the God of cocks.
Conner Malarky: Proof?
[Mr. Renaud unzips before the episode fades to black.]
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