The Man with Two Brains/Transcript

READY THE BONE WAX.
METZENBAUM SCISSORS.
 
 
METZENBAUM SCISSORS.
 
 
READY TO CLOSE. REMOVE
THE WEITLANDER RETRACTOR.
 
 
Female Nurse:
WE'RE CLOSING, DOCTOR.
 
 
REMOVE THE RAINEY CLIP,
FOR GOD'S SAKE.
 
 
Olsen: I APPRECIATE
YOUR LETTING ME
 
 
OBSERVE THAT
BRAIN OPERATION TODAY.
 
 
Michael: IT WOULD'VE
BEEN MORE COMPLICATED
 
 
IF HE'D NEEDED ONE,
 
 
BUT SINCE YOU WANTED TO
OBSERVE MY TECHNIQUE, I--
 
 
THAT WAS VERY NICE OF YOU.
DOCTOR, WERE YOU, UH,
 
 
WERE YOU INTERESTED
IN SCIENCE AS A CHILD?
 
 
I DON'T KNOW
IF I WAS INTERESTED
 
 
SO MUCH IN THE SCIENCE
 
 
AS I WAS THE SLIME
THAT GOES ALONG WITH IT.
 
 
SNAKES AND FROGS.
 
 
WHEN I SAW HOW SLIMY
THE HUMAN BRAIN WAS, I...
 
 
I KNEW THAT'S WHAT
I WANTED TO DO
 
 
WITH THE REST
OF MY LIFE.
 
 
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
TIMON?
 
 
I THOUGHT
YOU LIKED FISH.
 
 
THEY TASTE FUNNY.
 
 
REALLY? IT'S FRESH.
 
 
IT CAME RIGHT OUT
OF THAT TANK.
 
 
[UTENSIL DROPS,
DOG WHIMPERS]
 
 
YOU HOOKED MY ANGEL FISH?!
 
 
WHY DO YOU DO
THESE TERRIBLE THINGS?
 
 
BECAUSE I LOVE
TO SEE THOSE VEINS
 
 
IN YOUR TEMPLE THROB.
 
 
YOU--YOU--
[GROWLS]
 
 
[GROWLS]
 
 
I'LL KILL YOU.
 
 
LOOK HERE,
YOU DEVIL WOMAN,
 
 
YOU'LL NEVER DO THIS
TO ANOTHER MAN!
 
 
OH, YES, I WILL.
I'LL DO IT,
 
 
AND I'LL DO IT,
AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN.
 
 
WOULD YOU READ
THAT BACK TO ME?
 
 
I'M AFRAID THAT
MIGHT MAKE ME
 
 
SOUND POMPOUS
TO YOUR READERS.
 
 
UH, "MY BRILLIANT RESEARCH
IN BRAIN TRANSPLANTATION
 
 
"IS UNSURPASSED
 
 
AND WILL PROBABLY MAKE MY NAME
LIVE BEYOND ETERNITY."
 
 
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
 
 
TAKE OUT THE "PROBABLY."
 
 
IT MAKES ME SOUND
WISHY-WASHY.
 
 
YOU TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME,
YOU IMPOTENT PRUNE!
 
 
OHH! [GROANS]
 
 
[CAT SCREECHES]
 
 
[RRREOW]
 
 
MY RENOIR!
I'LL KILL YOU!
 
 
I GET SO EXCITED
WHEN YOU GET ANGRY.
 
 
IT MAKES ME FEEL
SO MUCH CLOSER
 
 
TO THE READING
OF THE WILL.
 
 
YOU WON'T GET A PENNY.
 
 
I CHANGED MY WILL
MONTHS AGO.
 
 
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
 
 
WELL, I GUESS I'LL
JUST HAVE TO FIND ME
 
 
A NEW MAN TO TORTURE.
 
 
DR. FURRIER--
 
 
THAT'S...HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
I'M SORRY.
 
 
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
 
 
A LOT OF PEOPLE
MISPRONOUNCE IT,
 
 
BUT IT SOUNDS JUST
THE WAY IT'S SPELLED.
 
 
H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R.
HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
HFUHRUHURR-RUR.
 
 
THAT'S GOOD. YOU JUST WENT
A LITTLE PAST IT THERE.
 
 
JUST PUT THE BRAKES ON
A LITTLE SOONER.
 
 
DOCTOR, I, UH...
I KNOW YOU WERE QUITE SHAKEN
 
 
BY THE TRAGIC DEATH
OF YOUR WIFE.
 
 
OH, I COULDN'T TALK
ABOUT IT FOR A LONG WHILE,
 
 
BUT...TIME PASSES BY,
AND I CAN HANDLE IT NOW.
 
 
HER NAME WAS REBECCA.
 
 
WHY?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
 
 
IS OOKIMS HAVING
A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK?
 
 
WHAT A SHAME, WITH ME
SO YOUNG AND HOT!
 
 
POM-POM!
 
 
[DOG BARKING]
 
 
RIP HER THROAT OUT!
 
 
AAH!
 
 
[DOG WHIMPERING]
 
 
WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!
 
 
DR. FURRIER!
 
 
HFUHRUHURR!
 
 
I'M SORRY.
 
 
SHE WAS...
 
 
EVERYTHING.
 
 
IS THAT HER?
 
 
NO. THAT'S JUST
A STATUE OF HER.
 
 
OUR GARDENER RAMON,
HE...
 
 
HE MADE MADE THAT
FOR ME AFTER SHE...
 
 
I LOVE THE WAY
HER HEAD MOVES.
 
 
SHE ALMOST LOOKS...
ALIVE.
 
 
WATCH OUT!
 
 
BYE-BYE!
 
 
[DOG BARKING]
 
 
AN ANGEL.
 
 
LITTLE GIRL?
 
 
YES, SIR?
 
 
I WANT YOU TO DO SOMETHING
VERY IMPORTANT, ALL RIGHT?
 
 
OK.
 
 
I WANT YOU TO RUN HOME,
AND I WANT YOU TO CALL THE E.R.
 
 
OF NORTH BANK GENERAL HOSPITAL,
 - - -ONE THOUSAND.
 
 
TELL THEM TO SET UP O.R. 
IMMEDIATELY
 
 
AND CONTACT ANESTHESIOLOGIST
ISADORE TOURICK,
 
 
 - - - - - - BEEP .
 
 
HAVE THEM SEND AN AMBULANCE
WITH A PARAMEDIC CREW,
 
 
LIGHT I.V., D- AND W, KVO.
YOU GOT IT?
 
 
E.R., NORTH BANK
GENERAL HOSPITAL,
 
 
 - - -ONE THOUSAND.
 
 
SET UP O.R. 
 
 
CONTACT ANESTHESIOLOGIST
ISADORE TOURICK,
 
 
 - - - - - - BEEP .
 
 
AMBULANCE WITH PARAMEDICS
AND LIGHT I.V.,
 
 
D- AND W, KVO.
 
 
THAT'S GOOD.
 
 
SOUNDS LIKE A SUBDURAL
HEMATOMA TO ME.
 
 
OH, IT DOES, DOES IT?
 
 
WELL, IT'S NOT YOUR JOB
TO DIAGNOSE.
 
 
BUT I THOUGHT--
 
 
YOU THOUGHT! YOU THOUGHT!
JUST GO!
 
 
 YEARS OF NURSERY SCHOOL,
AND YOU THINK YOU KNOW IT ALL!
 
 
WELL, YOU'RE STILL WET
BEHIND THE EARS.
 
 
IT'S NOT A SUBDURAL HEMATOMA!
IT'S EPIDURAL! HAH!
 
 
GODDAMN,
THAT MAKES ME MAD.
 
 
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
 
 
I DON'T FIND THIS AMUSING,
GARRERO!
 
 
THIS IS A BETTER STORY
THAN I EVER HOPED FOR.
 
 
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
GETS HIT BY A CAR
 
 
AND NEEDS BRAIN SURGERY,
AND THE MAN WHO HITS HER
 
 
IS THE WORLD'S GREATEST
BRAIN SURGEON
 
 
WHO OPERATES ON HER
AND SAVES HER LIFE.
 
 
IFI SAVE HER LIFE,
OLSEN.IF.
 
 
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME,
DR. BRANDON?
 
 
AH, YES, MICHAEL.
 
 
THIS OPERATION THAT
YOU'RE ABOUT TO PERFORM,
 
 
I FEEL,
IS VERY ILL-ADVISED.
 
 
NO SURGEON SHOULD EVER
OPERATE ON A PATIENT
 
 
THAT HE HAS PERSONALLY
INJURED.
 
 
IT WOULD MAKE HIM
TOO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED.
 
 
DON'T YOU THINK
I'M AWARE OF THAT?
 
 
BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE
OTHER PERSON I'D TRUST
 
 
TO PERFORM THIS
OPERATION--BECKERMANN.
 
 
DR. BECKERMANN WAS MURDERED
IN EUROPE. YOU KNOW THAT.
 
 
EXACTLY!
 
 
NOT ONLY IS HE DEAD,
HE'S MILES AWAY.
 
 
WHAT IS THAT?
 
 
[WHISPERING]
It's a vagina.
 
 
I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
 
 
I MEAN
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
 
 
SHAVING HER.
 
 
THIS IS
A BRAIN OPERATION.
 
 
I KNOW.
 
 
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED
TO BE, A HEART?
 
 
YES, SIR.
CLIVE AND I THOUGHT
 
 
THAT SINCE IT'S
VALENTINE'S DAY THAT--
 
 
[CLICKING TONGUE]
 
 
YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SHAVE HER ANYWHERE.
 
 
WE'LL BE USING
MY CRANIAL SCREWTOP
 
 
METHOD OF ENTRY
INTO THE BRAIN.
 
 
FINE. YES, SIR.
 
 
I NEVER WANT
TO SEE THAT AGAIN.
 
 
I SUPPOSE
IF IT WERE CHRISTMAS,
 
 
YOU'D HANG ORNAMENTS
ON IT.
 
 
[MONITOR BEEPING]
 
 
Michael: FORCEPS.
 
 
METZENBAUM SCISSORS.
 
 
 -BLADE SCALPEL.
 
 
Female nurse:
 -BLADE.
 
 
SPONGE STICK.
 
 
GIVE ME A LITTLE SWEAT
ON MY UPPER LIP.
 
 
REMOVE SWEAT.
 
 
COVER HER BREASTS.
I'M A MAN, FLESH AND BLOOD.
 
 
[MEOW]
 
 
Michael: SCAT!
 
 
[RREOW]
 
 
DAMN!
THE CATS AROUND HERE.
 
 
CRANIAL SCREWTOP.
 
 
NOW ALL WE CAN DO IS WAIT.
 
 
YES.
 
 
WHERE AM I?
 
 
IN A HOSPITAL.
YOU'VE HAD AN ACCIDENT.
 
 
OH.
 
 
I HOPE I HAVEN'T
CAUSED ANY TROUBLE.
 
 
Michael: OH, NO.
 
 
Dolores:
I'M SO TIRED.
 
 
SHH SHH SHH SHH.
 
 
WHO ARE YOU?
 
 
OH,
I'M--I'M YOUR DOCTOR.
 
 
I WANT--
 
 
OH, DON'T--
DON'T TRY AND TALK.
 
 
Nurse: DOCTOR.
 
 
HUH?
 
 
YOU'RE WANTED IN O.R. 
IN MINUTES.
 
 
THANK YOU.
 
 
OHH. CONTINUE
THE DILANTIN I.V.
 
 
WHAT A SKULL.
 
 
OHH.
 
 
BOY, WOULD I LIKE
TO JUMP ON THOSE BONES.
 
 
REBECCA.
 
 
I CAN'T HELP
COMPARING HER TO YOU.
 
 
SHE HAS A BEHIND SO SEXY
 
 
YOU'D LIKE TO EAT LUNCH
OFF IT.
 
 
JUST LIKE WE DID,
REMEMBER?
 
 
REBECCA.
 
 
I'VE HAD THE TOP
OF HER HEAD OFF,
 
 
BUT THAT'S AS FAR
AS IT WENT.
 
 
I PROMISE I'LL NEVER RECITE
OUR FAVORITE POEM
 
 
TO ANYONE BUT YOU.
 
 
IN DILMAN'S GROVE.
 
 
IN DILMAN'S GROVE,
MY LOVE DID DIE,
 
 
AND NOW IN GROUND,
SHE'LL EVER LIE.
 
 
NONE COULD E'ER
REPLACE HER VISAGE,
 
 
UNTIL YOUR FACE
 
 
BROUGHT THOUGHTS
OF KISSAGE.
 
 
NURSE.
 
 
GOOD.
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
 
 
MAKE A NOTE.
 
 
RIGHT ARM GRIP STRENGTH
VERY GOOD.
 
 
LEFT ARM'S--THERE'S
JUST NO IMPROVEMENT.
 
 
Michael: I WENT OUT
AND GOT YOU A LITTLE PRESENT.
 
 
"THE COMPLETE POEMS
OF JOHN LILYSON."
 
 
"ENGLAND'S GREATEST
ONE-ARMED POET"?
 
 
HE WROTE
IN DILMAN'S GROVE
 
 
ANDPOINTY BIRDS.
 
 
I--
 
 
"OH, POINTY BIRDS,
 
 
"OH, POINTY, POINTY,
 
 
"ANOINT MY HEAD,
 
 
ANOINTY, 'NOINTY."
 
 
HE DIED IN .
 
 
HE WAS THE FIRST PERSON
EVER TO BE HIT BY A CAR.
 
 
TO THINK YOU WERE
ALMOST KILLED BY A CAR.
 
 
MICHAEL.
 
 
THAT'S ALL OVER NOW.
 
 
THAT MAN YOU RAN AWAY
FROM THAT NIGHT...
 
 
POOR OLD MR. CRESWELL.
 
 
IT WAS ALL MY FAULT,
IN A WAY.
 
 
I NEVER SHOULD HAVE
GONE THERE ALONE.
 
 
I GUESS I'M JUST
TOO TRUSTING.
 
 
OH, POOR LITTLE BIRD.
 
 
[BED MOTOR RUNNING]
 
 
SO FRAGILE.
 
 
SO NAIVE.
 
 
SO CHILDLIKE.
 
 
SO SHY.
 
 
SO CHASTE.
 
 
SO INNOCENT.
 
 
REBECCA.
 
 
IF THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG
 
 
WITH MY FEELINGS
FOR DOLORES,
 
 
JUST GIVE ME A SIGN.
 
 
Rebecca: NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
NO!
 
 
JUST ANY KIND OF SIGN.
 
 
I'LL KEEP ON THE LOOKOUT
FOR IT.
 
 
MEANWHILE, I'LL JUST
PUT YOU IN THE CLOSET.
 
 
IN SICKNESS
OR IN HEALTH
 
 
TILL DEATH
DO YOU PART?
 
 
I DO.
 
 
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU
MAN AND WIFE.
 
 
YOU MAY
KISS THE BRIDE.
 
 
NOT NOW.
 
 
[DOG BARKING]
 
 
THERE IT IS, DARLING.
YOUR NEW HOME.
 
 
THE HOUSE OF HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
WHAT ARE THOSE ASSHOLES
DOING ON THE PORCH?
 
 
[LAUGHING]
THOSE AREN'T ASSHOLES.
 
 
IT'S PRONOUNCED "AZALEAS."
 
 
[LAUGHS]
 
 
I PUT THEM THERE FOR YOU.
 
 
Ramon: SENOR.
 
 
Michael: NO, RAMON.
MY WIFE WILL NOT BE
 
 
ENTERING HER NEW HOME
IN A WHEELCHAIR.
 
 
I WANT THIS MOMENT
TO LAST FOREVER.
 
 
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
 
 
[CLEARS THROAT]
SENOR?
 
 
SENOR, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
EAT YOUR BREAKFAST NOW?
 
 
HAVE YOU TAKEN ENOUGH
PHOTOS OF THE MOMENT
 
 
SO WE CAN REMEMBER
THIS MOMENT FOREVER?
 
 
OH, YES.
 
 
AND WE GOT THEM
BACK ALREADY. SEE?
 
 
OH, THAT'S NICE.
 
 
ALL RIGHT, BREAKFAST.
 
 
WE'LL GET CLEANED UP FIRST.
 
 
ONE OF MY FAVORITE PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD
 
 
IS ABOUT TO WALK OUT HERE.
 
 
I'M HAPPY TO SAY HE IS
STILL BUSY MAKING HIS ...
 
 
Michael: LOOK,
I FRAMED THE MOMENT.
 
 
MM-HMM.
 
 
TV: HE'S NOW ABOUT TO
UNVEIL HIS LATEST PICTURE,
 
 
WHICH I HEAR IS JUST AMAZING,
 
 
OPENING ON THE st
OF THIS MONTH--
 
 
[MONITOR BEEPING]
 
 
YUCK.
[CHANGES CHANNEL]
 
 
WAIT. TURN THAT BACK.
 
 
THAT'S
MY FAVORITE MOVIE.
 
 
THAT'SDONOVAN'S BRAIN.
 
 
AND NOT THE SLIGHTEST
SIGN OF DECAY?
 
 
NONE. I'VE NEVER SEEN
HEALTHIER TISSUE.
 
 
IT'S GROWING LARGER
BY THE DAY.
 
 
IT'S DISGUSTING.
 
 
BRAINS ARE SO UGLY.
 
 
NO. IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
 
 
I'M LATE!
 
 
IS THAT ALL YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?
 
 
IT'S ALL
I HAVE TIME FOR.
 
 
HOW DO YOU FEEL?
 
 
OH, I'M FINE.
 
 
I JUST...WISH I COULD
GET OUT OF THIS WHEELCHAIR
 
 
SO I COULD HELP A LITTLE
AROUND THE HOUSE.
 
 
YOU WILL.
 
 
YOU JUST HAD
A MAJOR OPERATION.
 
 
IT TAKES TIME
TO RECOVER.
 
 
YOU'RE GONNA BE UP
AND AROUND IN NO TIME.
 
 
JUST BE PATIENT.
 
 
DOLORES? SOON?
 
 
HUH?
 
 
HUH?
 
 
[LAUGHS]
 
 
[SIGHS]
 
 
Michael:
FORGOT MY HAT.
 
 
OOH! OHH!
 
 
YOU WALKED! YOU WALKED!
YOU WALKED!
 
 
I SHOULDN'T
HAVE GOTTEN UP,
 
 
BUT I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU
 
 
AND WALK INTO YOUR ARMS
TONIGHT WHEN YOU CAME HOME.
 
 
YOU WALKED! YOU WALKED!
YOU WALKED!
 
 
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
 
 
WHO IS THAT MAN OUT THERE?
 
 
JUAN.
HE WORKS FOR RAMON.
 
 
OH. HE FRIGHTENED ME.
 
 
HE'S JUST A BIG,
GOOD-NATURED BAG OF MUSCLES.
 
 
THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HIM
THAT MAKES ME QUIVER.
 
 
IS HE HERE OFTEN?
 
 
JUST ONE DAY A WEEK.
 
 
WHAT DAY?
 
 
TUESDAY.
 
 
IS HE EVER ALONE?
 
 
I MEAN, DOES RAMON EVER GO OFF
AND LEAVE HIM HERE ALONE?
 
 
SOMETIMES. WHY?
 
 
I'D LIKE TO KNOW.
 
 
PLEASE,
TELL RAMON TO WARN ME
 
 
WHEN HE'S GONNA LEAVE ME
ALONE WITH THAT JUAN PERSON.
 
 
ALL RIGHT, IF THAT'LL
MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
 
 
THAT'LL MAKE ME
FEEL MUCH BETTER.
 
 
FRIGHTENED LITTLE MOUSE.
 
 
[LAUGHS]
 
 
I'LL TELL RAMON
 
 
TO WARN HER
ABOUT JUAN.
 
 
[DOOR OPENS]
 
 
RAMON!
 
 
MICHAEL, MICHAEL,
HOW IS MARRIED LIFE?
 
 
I DON'T KNOW!
 
 
I'M SORRY.
I'VE BEEN ON EDGE
 
 
THE LAST COUPLE
OF WEEKS.
 
 
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING.
 
 
MICHAEL!
 
 
AAH!
 
 
SEE? THAT'S
A PERFECT EXAMPLE.
 
 
OH, GOD, I ALMOST PEED
IN THE SCRUB BASIN.
 
 
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'VE BEEN SO TENSE.
 
 
MAYBE IT'S YOUR COFFEE.
 
 
NO.
 
 
WHEN A WOMAN WHO'S JUST
HAD MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY
 
 
TELLS YOU SHE
HAS A HEADACHE,
 
 
YOU'VE GOT TO LISTEN.
 
 
OH.
 
 
PATIENCE, MICHAEL.
 
 
A RECENTLY MARRIED WOMAN
AND AN EAGER YOUNG HUSBAND--
 
 
IT WON'T BE LONG
BEFORE YOU HEAR HER SAY,
 
 
"TAKE ME! TAKE ME!"
 
 
[HEAVY BREATHING]
 
 
Dolores: TAKE ME.
 
 
TAKE ME.
 
 
OHH.
 
 
OHH, JUAN.
 
 
YOU...
 
 
YOU'RE THROUGH!
 
 
I DON'T THINK I AM.
 
 
NOT YOU.
 
 
BY THE WAY, I FIRED
RAMON YESTERDAY.
 
 
RAMON? BUT RAMON IS SUCH
A FINE MAN. WHAT DID HE DO?
 
 
HE CAME UP BEHIND ME,
AND HE GRABBED MY BREASTS.
 
 
WHAT?
 
 
IHAVEN'T EVEN
DONE THAT YET.
 
 
I KNOW. I TOLD HIM THAT.
 
 
YOU TOLD HIM?
 
 
HE SAID HE HAD
TO MEASURE ME
 
 
FOR A NEW
DASHBOARD ORNAMENT.
 
 
HE TOLD ME HE HAD TO
MEASURE REBECCA A LOT
 
 
BEFORE HE GOT HER RIGHT.
 
 
OH, YOU'RE UPSET.
 
 
SO AM I.
 
 
I WANT TO BE EVERYTHING
TO YOU REBECCA WAS.
 
 
I WANT TO GIVE YOU...
EVERYTHING SHE GAVE YOU,
 
 
DO EVERYTHING SHE DID.
 
 
WHEN CAN YOU START?
 
 
HOW SOON
CAN YOU GET HOME?
 
 
WELL, I HAVE OPERATIONS,
BUT I CAN DO THEM FAST.
 
 
THEY'RE JUST
BRAIN OPERATIONS.
 
 
LET ME GET MY HAT.
 
 
MY BRIEFCASE.
 
 
COULD YOU WALK ME
TO THE DOOR?
 
 
[MONITOR BEEPING]
 
 
WHAT'S HE DOING?
 
 
 BRAIN OPERATIONS
AT THE SAME TIME.
 
 
NUMBER -BLADE.
 
 
 -BLADE.
 
 
 -BLADE SCALPEL.
 
 
 -BLADE.
 
 
READY THE BONE WAX.
METZENBAUM SCISSORS.
 
 
METZENBAUM SCISSORS.
 
 
[CAT MEOWS]
 
 
GET THAT CAT
OUT OF HERE.
 
 
YES, SIR.
[RRREOW]
 
 
WE'RE READY TO CLOSE.
CRANIAL SCREWTOPS.
 
 
CHECK FOR STRIPPING.
TAKE THEM TO SICU.
 
 
BRAVO!
BRAVO!
 
 
YOU'RE SO EARLY.
 
 
YES.
 
 
TAKE OFF YOUR COAT.
 
 
AND YOUR PAPER HAT.
 
 
I'M CHILLING
SOME WINE FOR US.
 
 
WHY DON'T YOU OPEN IT?
 
 
YES.
 
 
[POURING WINE]
 
 
DOES THIS
DO ANYTHING FOR YOU?
 
 
OH, YES.
 
 
GOOD.
 
 
I WANT OUR FIRST NIGHT
TOGETHER...
 
 
TO BE EXCITING.
 
 
I DO, TOO.
 
 
I HOPE THE WAITING
HASN'T BEEN TOO HARD ON YOU.
 
 
THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
 
 
THIS FITS VERY SNUG,
 
 
AND YOU MAY HAVE SOME TROUBLE
GETTING IT OFF ME.
 
 
YOU MAY HAVE TO
TEAR IT OFF MY BODY.
 
 
I CAN TEAR.
I LIKE TEARING.
 
 
YOU...MAN OF STEEL.
 
 
[EXHALES]
 
 
[MUTTERS]
 
 
I CAN'T WAIT
TILL NEXT THURSDAY.
 
 
TODAY IS MONDAY.
 
 
I KNOW.
 
 
BUT MY HEADACHE
SHOULD BE GONE BY THEN.
 
 
YOU DON'T MIND WAITING,
DO YOU?
 
 
OH. NO.
 
 
NO, NO, NO.
NOT AT ALL.
 
 
I HAVE A LITTLE
HEADACHE MYSELF.
 
 
MAYBE I'LL TAKE A WALK.
 
 
IT'LL DO ME GOOD.
 
 
WHERE'S MY HAT?
[GASPS]
 
 
IT'S...
 
 
[GLASS BREAKS]
 
 
[BIRD CHIRPING]
 
 
THE BREEZE FEELS GOOD.
 
 
YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?
 
 
MICHAEL, I'M, UH,
CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.
 
 
REALLY?
WHAT'S THE CONCERN?
 
 
[SLAMS DOOR]
 
 
MY STAFF TELLS ME THAT YOU'VE
BEEN A LITTLE TENSE LATELY.
 
 
TENSE?
 
 
IS THAT WHAT
THEY SAY ABOUT ME?
 
 
MICHAEL, EVEN TO ME,
YOU SEEM A LITTLE JUMPY.
 
 
JUMPY?!
 
 
HOW ARE THINGS
AT HOME, MICHAEL?
 
 
GREAT. I'M MARRIED TO THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.
 
 
HOW COULD IT BE ANYTHING
BUT GREAT?!
 
 
IT'S GONNA BE EVEN GREATER!
 
 
JUST AS SOON AS WE...
 
 
 WEEKS AND YOU HAVEN'T
MADE LOVE TO YOUR WIFE YET?
 
 
NO WONDER YOU'RE TENSE.
 
 
DR. BRANDON, THE WOMAN HAS
JUST HAD MAJOR BRAIN SURGERY.
 
 
SHE'S HAD ENOUGH
UNPLEASANTNESS.
 
 
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT IN
THE FINGER-SUCKING DEPARTMENT
 
 
I AM EXTREMELY SATISFIED.
 
 
[BANGING]
 
 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
TO AUSTRIA, MICHAEL?
 
 
NO.
 
 
THE AUSTRIAN INSTITUTE
OF CRANIOLOGY
 
 
HAS ASKED MANY TIMES
FOR YOU TO LECTURE THERE
 
 
ON YOUR THEORY
OF BRAIN TRANSPLANTS.
 
 
WHY NOT
TAKE THEM UP ON IT?
 
 
COMBINE A BUSINESS TRIP
WITH A HONEYMOON.
 
 
HONEYMOON.
 
 
YEAH. I GOT TO DO SOMETHING
TO GET US STARTED.
 
 
WHEN ARE YOU SCHEDULED
 
 
TO HAVE YOUR HANDS
REMOVED FROM YOUR FACE?
 
 
 : THIS AFTERNOON.
 
 
THEN YOU COULD DO
THE VOITLANDER SURGERY FOR ME.
 
 
OF COURSE!
 
 
HAVE TO BE VERY CAREFUL
WITH THAT INSTANT GLUE.
 
 
I KNOW.
 
 
HERE'S
THE VOITLANDER CHART.
 
 
A HONEYMOON.
 
 
YEAH. HONEYMOON!
 
 
MAY I HELP YOU, SIR?
 
 
YES, I'M DR. HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
I BELIEVE YOU'RE HOLDING
A ROOM FOR ME.
 
 
YES. WOULD YOU PREFER
A DOUBLE OR TWIN BEDS?
 
 
A DOUBLE.
 
 
AH, A DOUBLE.
 
 
COULD YOU SEND UP
A BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE
 
 
AND PUT A "DO NOT DISTURB"
ON THE PHONE
 
 
FOR THE NEXT--
UM, LET'S SEE.
 
 
WE GO IN, PUT OUR BAGS DOWN
START KISSING,
 
 
BE ABOUT MINUTES.
 
 
MOVE INTO THE BEDROOM,
SLIDE MY HANDS OVER HER DRESS,
 
 
I REMOVE HER BLOUSE,
MAYBE OR MINUTES.
 
 
MOVE OVER TO THE BED,
RUB EACH INNER THIGH,
 
 
THAT WOULD BE
 MINUTES EACH,
 
 
SO I FIGURE MINUTES
OF FOREPLAY IN GENERAL...
 
 
[MOANS]
 
 
DO YOU CALL ORAL SEX
FOREPLAY OR ACTUAL SEX?
 
 
DOESN'T MATTER.
I'D LIKE TO DO IT TWICE,
 
 
SO AT LEAST HOURS,
ALL RIGHT?
 
 
 HOURS?!
 
 
YES, SIR.
[DING]
 
 
TAKE MRS. HFUHRUHURR AND
THAT LUCKY SON OF A BITCH
 
 
UP TO SUITE .
 
 
YES, SIR.
 
 
[WATCH TICKING]
 
 
I NEVER IN
MY WILDEST IMAGINATION
 
 
EVER THOUGHT IT
COULD BE LIKE THAT.
 
 
IT WAS THE MOST EXCITING
SEXUAL ENCOUNTER--
 
 
WITHOUT ACTUALLY
HAVING IT--
 
 
THAT I EVER ALMOST HAD.
 
 
DOCTOR, I'M
DR. FELIX CONRAD.
 
 
I'LL BE ESCORTING YOU
TO THE LECTURE HALL.
 
 
DID YOU JUST STEP OFF
THAT ELEVATOR?
 
 
THERE WAS NO OPERATOR.
 
 
THEY'RE ALL AFRAID.
 
 
YOU HAVEN'T HEARD ABOUT
VIENNA'S ELEVATOR KILLER?
 
 
ELEVATOR KILLER?
 
 
PEOPLE HAVE BEEN GETTING
ON ELEVATORS ON ONE FLOOR
 
 
ONLY TO ARRIVE AT
ANOTHER FLOOR DEAD.
 
 
LIKE BECKERMAN.
 
 
JA.DR. SCHLERMIE
BECKERMAN.
 
 
A BRILLIANT
BRAIN SURGEON.
 
 
ONE OF
YOUR COLLEAGUES.
 
 
IT WAS A GREAT LOSS.
 
 
I'M THANKFUL
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.
 
 
THE ACADEMY
IS LOOKING FORWARD
 
 
TO HEARING YOU
LECTURE THIS MORNING.
 
 
I HOPE I DON'T RUFFLE
ANY FEATHERS.
 
 
MY SPEECH MIGHT BE A LITTLE
RADICAL FOR THE OLD GUARD.
 
 
[CHUCKLES] IT WOULD
TAKE QUITE A BIT
 
 
TO SHOCK
ANY OF THIS CROWD.
 
 
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I CAN ENVISION A DAY
 
 
WHEN THE BRAINS
OF BRILLIANT MEN
 
 
CAN BE KEPT ALIVE IN
THE BODIES OF DUMB PEOPLE.
 
 
[MURMURING]
 
 
WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?
 
 
THEY'RE JUST SAYING
"MURMUR MURMUR MURMUR."
 
 
IT'S JUST SORT OF
A GENERAL MURMUR?
 
 
YEAH. MURMUR.
 
 
OH.
 
 
YOU MAY MURMUR
ALL YOU LIKE--
 
 
[LOUD MURMURING]
 
 
[STOPS]
 
 
BUT TO MAKE
TRANSPLANTATION POSSIBLE
 
 
I HAVE RECENTLY INVENTED
THE CRANIAL SCREWTOP METHOD
 
 
OF ENTRY INTO THE BRAIN
WHEREBY A LARGE SECTION
 
 
CAN BE UNSCREWED WITHOUT
HAVING TO SHAVE THE HEAD.
 
 
AND AS A SAFETY FEATURE,
I'VE MADE IT CHILDPROOF.
 
 
TO OPEN, YOU PUSH DOWN
WHILE TURNING...
 
 
AND VOIL?,
THE HUMAN BRAIN.
 
 
[LOUD MURMURING]
 
 
WHERE IS
THIS MAN'S BRAIN?
 
 
STOLEN! IT'S THE FOURTH
INCIDENT THIS MONTH.
 
 
I WISH TO APOLOGIZE TO
OUR AMERICAN COLLEAGUE.
 
 
THIS DEMONSTRATION
IS NOW CONCLUDED.
 
 
[LOUD MURMURING]
 
 
DR. HMFHRUHRR?
 
 
IT'S CLOSE. YES?
 
 
I'M DR. ALFRED NECESSITER.
 
 
WELL, WELL, WELL.
DR. ALFRED NECESSITER.
 
 
WOULD YOU LIKE A DRINK?
 
 
A DRINK WOULD BE
INTERESTING.
 
 
I ENJOYED
YOUR LECTURE TODAY.
 
 
WHAT LECTURE? THEY GAVE ME
A HEAD WITH LEMONS IN IT.
 
 
THAT'S WHY
I ENJOYED IT SO MUCH.
 
 
I DIDN'T HAVE TO HEAR YOUR
BRILLIANT BUT OLD-FASHIONED
 
 
THEORIES ON THE HUMAN BRAIN.
 
 
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"OLD-FASHIONED"?
 
 
I'M THE MOST ADVANCED
BRAIN MAN WORKING TODAY.
 
 
I DON'T THINK SO.
 
 
READ THIS ARTICLE.
LOOK AT THE UNDERLINED PART.
 
 
AND LOOK AT THIS. READ
THE CAPTION UNDER THE PHOTO.
 
 
AND THESE--
NEWSWEEK, TIME, COSMO.
 
 
NATIONAL ENQUIRER--
 
 
DOLLY PARTON WANTS
TO HAVE MY BABY.
 
 
DON'T TELL ME
I'M OLD-FASHIONED.
 
 
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO UPSET YOU, DOCTOR!
 
 
YOU'RE THE MOST BRILLIANT
BRAIN MAN WORKING TODAY.
 
 
THAT'S WHY I'M MOST ANXIOUS
TO SHARE MY WORK WITH YOU.
 
 
IT SEEMS YOU'RE THE ONE PERSON
IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE
 
 
WHO MIGHT UNDERSTAND IT.
 
 
AND I AGREE WITH WHAT
YOU SAID HERE.
 
 
"MY BRILLIANT RESEARCH
IN BRAIN TRANSPLANTATION
 
 
"IS UNSURPASSED AND WILL
PROBABLY MAKE MY NAME
 
 
LIVE BEYOND ETERNITY."
 
 
I TOLD HIM TO TAKE OUT
THE "PROBABLY."
 
 
MY LABORATORY
IS SET UP IN MY HOME.
 
 
IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT,
I COULD SHOW YOU MY WORK.
 
 
WHEN?
 
 
NOW!
 
 
ALL RIGHT.
 
 
I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DIDN'T
TAKE OUT THE "PROBABLY."
 
 
YOU KNOW, THAT PHOTOGRAPH
DOESN'T DO YOU JUSTICE.
 
 
WELL, HELLO.
 
 
I DIDN'T EXPECT
TO SEE YOU HERE.
 
 
OW! OH, YOU DIRTY...
 
 
Necessiter:
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
 
 
YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE ME.
 
 
BEING IN AUSTRIA AND MEETING
A SCIENTIST WITH YOUR INTERESTS,
 
 
I HALF EXPECTED YOUR LABORATORY
TO BE IN A CASTLE, NOT A CONDO.
 
 
YOU MEAN...LIKE THIS?
 
 
YEAH.
THAT'S MORE LIKE IT.
 
 
JESUS.
 
 
THIS IS EXTRAORDINARY.
 
 
FROM THE OUTSIDE,
IT DOES NOT LOOK THIS ROOMY.
 
 
I HAD A GOOD DECORATOR.
MY WIFE.
 
 
IT'S AMAZING WHAT SHE DID
WITH A FEW THROW PILLOWS,
 
 
SOME WALLPAPER,
AND A STAPLE GUN.
 
 
LEAPIN' LIZARDS.
 
 
YES. WE HAVE THOSE.
 
 
[SQUEAKING]
 
 
MOAT WITH ALLIGATOR...
 
 
HERE'S OUR SMALL
ENTRANCE HALL.
 
 
DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH
CLOSET SPACE?
 
 
THERE NEVER IS.
 
 
NO. THEY FILL UP
SO FAST.
 
 
THIS IS THE TV ROOM.
 
 
OH, I LOVE THE WAY
IT'S SO DREARY.
 
 
THIS, DOCTOR...
 
 
IS MY LABORATORY.
 
 
BRAINS.
 
 
I'VE NEVER SEEN SO MANY BRAINS
OUT OF THEIR HEADS BEFORE.
 
 
FEEL LIKE A KID
IN A CANDY STORE.
 
 
DON'T TOUCH IT!
 
 
WHY?
 
 
THEY'RE ALIVE.
 
 
ALIVE.
 
 
BUT THERE'S NO WIRES OR
TUBES OR THAT "BZZ" THING.
 
 
HOW ARE THEY KEPT ALIVE?
 
 
WITH A SPECIAL FLUID
I DEVELOPED.
 
 
WHY DO YOU HAVE
ALL THESE BRAINS?
 
 
MY VISION IS
TO BE ABLE TO TAKE
 
 
THE THOUGHTS AND DATA
FROM A DYING BRAIN
 
 
AND TRANSFER THEM
INTO ANOTHER BODY
 
 
WITHOUT OPENING
THE SKULL.
 
 
WOULD YOU CARE
FOR A DRINK?
 
 
PLEASE.
 
 
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?
 
 
A TAHITIAN LADY.
 
 
RIGHT-O.
 
 
FLAMING?
 
 
OH, NO, NO.
THAT'S FOR TOURISTS.
 
 
WHERE DO YOU GET
YOUR BRAINS?
 
 
THE CITY MORGUE.
 
 
FOR A NICE TIP THEY SEND
ME BRAINS FROM BODIES
 
 
THAT HAVE DIED
IN THE RIGHT WAY.
 
 
WHAT IS THE RIGHT WAY
FOR A BODY TO DIE?
 
 
FOR MY PURPOSE,
AN INJECTION OF CCs
 
 
OF AMMONIATED
STRYCHNOCLORAHYPE
 
 
INTO THE BUTTOCKS,
 
 
CAUSING THE BRAIN
TO DIE LAST.
 
 
THANK YOU.
 
 
AMMONIATED STRYCH--
THAT'S WINDOW CLEANER.
 
 
THAT'S THE EXACT INGREDIENTS
IN WINDOW CLEANER.
 
 
YES.
 
 
AND WHO DOES THE INJECTING,
DR. NECESSITER, YOU?
 
 
GOOD LORD, NO.
 
 
IT'S THE ELEVATOR KILLER,
BLESS HIS HEART.
 
 
YOU'RE CONDONING MURDER,
AREN'T YOU, DR. NECESSITER?
 
 
AS LONG AT IT'S HAPPENING,
I'M HAPPY TO ACCEPT IT.
 
 
THE ONLY TIME WE DOCTORS
SHOULD ACCEPT DEATH
 
 
IS WHEN IT'S CAUSED
BY OUR OWN INCOMPETENCE.
 
 
NONSENSE! IF THE MURDER
OF INNOCENT PEOPLE
 
 
CAN SAVE ONE HUMAN LIFE,
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN WORTH IT.
 
 
WORTH IT?
YOU'RE CONDONING MURDER!
 
 
I'M NOT CONDONING
MURDER, SIR!
 
 
Woman:
SHUT UP IN THERE!
 
 
RESEARCH AND MURDER
DO NOT GO TOGETHER!
 
 
AND YOU SHUT UP!
 
 
WITH YOUR TV
BLARING ALL NIGHT
 
 
AND YOUR GRANDCHILDREN
RUNNING DOWN THE HALLS!
 
 
[WOMAN SHOUTS IN GERMAN]
 
 
I'M SORRY, DOCTOR.
THESE WALLS LOOK SOLID,
 
 
BUT THEY'RE THIN
AS TISSUE PAPER.
 
 
THAT'S TYPICAL
FOR A CONDO.
 
 
NOW, LET ME SHOW YOU
 
 
HOW FAR I'VE PROGRESSED
WITH MY EXPERIMENTS.
 
 
YOU KNEW
A SCHLERMIE BECKERMAN?
 
 
YOU'VE GOT SCHLERMIE
IN ONE OF THOSE JARS
 
 
LIKE SO MUCH MARMALADE?
 
 
NO! HE ISN'T IN A JAR!
HE'S WALKING AND TALKING.
 
 
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
I SAW PHOTOS OF THE BODY.
 
 
ITISPOSSIBLE.
 
 
I MUST WARN YOU, DOCTOR...
 
 
WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE...
 
 
MIGHT STRIKE YOU AS
THE MOST INCREDIBLE, AWESOME--
 
 
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
 
 
EXCUSE ME.
 
 
INCREDIBLE,
AWESOME WHAT?
 
 
JUST A MINUTE.
HELLO? YES?
 
 
I'LL BE THERE IMMEDIATELY.
THANK YOU.
 
 
WHAT WAS
THAT AWESOME THING?
 
 
I MUST LEAVE NOW.
I HAVE A NEW BRAIN TO PICK.
 
 
THE ELEVATOR KILLER
HAS STRUCK AGAIN.
 
 
WHAT ABOUT BECKERMAN
AND INCREDIBLE?
 
 
COME FOR DINNER TONIGHT
AND BRING MRS. FURREAR.
 
 
HFUHRUHURR.
HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
 : . YOU CAN LET
YOURSELF OUT.
 
 
NOW, IF YOU WILL
JUST TURN AROUND.
 
 
UNDLIFT YOUR ROBE.
 
 
JA.
 
 
Michael:
HI. WHAT'S GOING ON?
 
 
DON'T INTERFERE.
 
 
HE'S PAYING ME $ 
JUST TO TOUCH MY BEHIND.
 
 
YOU! GET OUTTA HERE!
 
 
PLEASE, FORGIVE--
 
 
GET OUT!
 
 
THIS KIND OF THING
COULD RUIN OUR MARRIAGE.
 
 
WHY? BECAUSE YOU
DON'T WANT ME TO WORK?
 
 
EARN MY OWN MONEY?
HAVE MY OWN CAREER?
 
 
YOU CALL THIS A CAREER?
 
 
OH, I'VE MADE THOSE VEINS
IN YOUR TEMPLE THROB.
 
 
OH, I LOVE THAT.
 
 
HA HA HA!
 
 
DOLORES, OUR MARRIAGE
LIES BROKEN ON THE FLOOR
 
 
LIKE THE SHARDS OF GLASS
ON OUR HONEYMOON SUITE!
 
 
AAH! OH! th CENTURY
INDIAN RUBBER VASE, EH?
 
 
DOLORES, I AM MAKING
A CITIZEN'S DIVORCE.
 
 
WHAT?
 
 
BY THE POWERS
VESTED IN ME,
 
 
I HEREBY DECLARE OUR
MARRIAGE NULL AND VOID!
 
 
E PLURIBUS UNUM!
 
 
[DOORBELL RINGS]
 
 
JAWOHL?
 
 
I'M DR.HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
DR. HFURRRR--OH,JA.
 
 
YOU AND YOUR WIFE
ARE EXPECTED FOR DINNER.
 
 
MY WIFE WON'T BE COMING.
 
 
OH. I TRUST
SHE IS NOT ILL.
 
 
SHE'S NOT ILL.
SHE'S A CHEAP, VULGAR SLUT!
 
 
JA,I'VE HEARD THIS.
 
 
[GROWLS]
 
 
DR. HFUHRUHURR, PLEASE.
 
 
NO, I'M SORRY, HE'S NOT IN.
THIS IS MRS. HFURRR...FF.
 
 
I'M JAMES GLADSTONE,
CALLING FROM NEW YORK.
 
 
I'M THE ATTORNEY
 
 
FOR DR. HFUHRUHURR'S
STEP-GRANDMOTHER.
 
 
I WANTED TO INFORM
THE DOCTOR OF HER PASSING.
 
 
PASSING WHAT?
 
 
SHE WAS CREMATED
THIS AFTERNOON.
 
 
WE NEED THE DOCTOR'S
SIGNATURE ON SOME DOCUMENTS
 
 
BEFORE WE RELEASE
HIS SHARE OF THE ESTATE.
 
 
UM...
 
 
HOW BIG IS THE ESTATE?
 
 
REBECCA...
 
 
WHY DIDN'T YOU
GIVE ME A SIGN?
 
 
[SIGHS]
I MISS YOU.
 
 
THE FUN WE HAD.
 
 
REMEMBER OUR SONG?
 
 
?? IF YOU LIKE-A ME ??
 
 
?? LIKE I LIKE-A YOU ??
 
 
?? AND WE LIKE-A BOTH
THE SAME ??
 
 
?? I LIKE-A SAY,
THIS VERY DAY ??
 
 
?? I LIKE-A CHANGE
YOUR NAME ??
 
 
?? 'CAUSE I LOVE-A YOU ??
 
 
Woman:
?? AND LOVE-A YOU TRUE ??
 
 
Both: ?? AND
IF YOU WOULD LOVE-A ME ??
 
 
?? ONE LIVE AS TWO ??
 
 
?? TWO LIVE AS ONE ??
 
 
?? UNDER THE BAMBOO TREE ??
 
 
Woman: ?? AND EVERY MORNING
HE WOULD BE ??
 
 
?? DOWN UNDERNEATH
THE BAMBOO TREE ??
 
 
?? AWAITING THERE
HIS LOVE TO SEE ??
 
 
?
?? AND TO HER HE'D SING... ?
 
 
??
?? IF YOU LIKE-A ME
 
 
Both:
?? LIKE I LIKE-A YOU ??
 
 
?? AND WE LIKE-A
BOTH THE SAME ??
 
 
?? I LIKE-A SAY,
THIS VERY DAY.. ??
 
 
MRS. NECESSITER?
 
 
?? I LIKE-A CHANGE
YOUR NAME ??
 
 
?
?? 'CAUSE I LOVE-A YOU ?
 
 
?
?? AND LOVE-A YOU TRUE ?
 
 
?? AND IF YOU LOVE-A ME 
??
 
 
?? ONE LIVE AS TWO ??
 
 
?? TWO LIVE AS ONE ??
 
 
?? UNDER THE BAMBOO TREE ??
 
 
HELLO?
 
 
HELLO?
 
 
IS THIS A JOKE?
 
 
WHAT?
 
 
IS THIS A JOKE?
 
 
WHO ARE YOU?
WHAT'S HAPPENING?
 
 
I DON'T KNOW.
 
 
WHO ARE YOU?
 
 
DR. MICHAEL
HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
DR. HFUHRUHURR?
 
 
MY GOD.
 
 
WHAT?
 
 
YOU'RE THE FIRST...OBJECT
THAT EVER PRONOUNCED IT RIGHT.
 
 
HOW ELSE COULD YOU
PRONOUNCE IT?
 
 
H-F-U-H-R-U-H-U-R-R,
ISN'T IT?
 
 
YES!
 
 
WHO ARE YOU?
 
 
ANNE. ANNE UUMELLMAHAYE
 
 
U-U-M-E-L-L-M-A-H-A-Y-E?
UUMELLMAHAYE?
 
 
YES. WHERE AM I?
IT'S SO DARK.
 
 
IN A DOCTOR'S LABORATORY.
 
 
AM I ALL RIGHT?
 
 
UM...NOT REALLY.
 
 
WILL I BE ABLE TO PLAY
THE PIANO AGAIN?
 
 
UM, I WOULD THINK--NO.
 
 
WHY DID YOU CALL ME
AN OBJECT?
 
 
I'M SORRY.
 
 
I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO CALL YOU.
 
 
WHY?
 
 
YOU DON'T KNOW?
 
 
NO, I DON'T.
 
 
PLEASE, TELL ME.
 
 
WELL...
 
 
MISS UUMELLMAHAYE, IT SEEMS
THAT YOU HAVE NO BODY.
 
 
WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY BODY?
 
 
IT'S DEAD. GONE.
 
 
YOU'RE A DISEMBODIED BRAIN
KEPT ALIVE BY A SCIENTIST.
 
 
BUT WE'RE TALKING.
 
 
I MUST AT LEAST HAVE LIPS,
A TONGUE, A THROAT.
 
 
NOTHING.
JUST A JAR.
 
 
OH! OH!
[SOBS]
 
 
DON'T CRY.
 
 
BUT HOW CAN I HEAR YOU?
 
 
MUST BE SOME KIND
OF TELEPATHY.
 
 
WHAT'S GOING
TO HAPPEN TO ME?
 
 
Necessiter: HANS TOLD ME
YOU WERE HERE. GOOD, GOOD.
 
 
NOW, LET ME SHOW YOU
 
 
THAT EXPERIMENT
I'VE BEEN WORKING ON.
 
 
NO! NO.
 
 
I'VE GOT SOMETHING
MORE IMPORTANT.
 
 
LISTEN, JUST LISTEN.
 
 
ALL RIGHT, SING.
 
 
Anne: ?? IF YOU LIKE-A ME
LIKE I LIKE-A YOU ??
 
 
?? AND WE LIKE-A BOTH
THE SAME ??
 
 
?? I LIKE-A SAY... ??
 
 
HAVE YOU HEARD ANYTHING
LIKE THAT IN YOUR LIFE?
 
 
I CAN'T HEAR
A THING.
 
 
OH, REALLY?
 
 
SHH.
 
 
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
 
 
I WAS JUST WORKING
ON MY NEW TECHNIQUE
 
 
FOR WALKING IN CORDUROY PANTS
 
 
TO ELIMINATE THE SCRAPING
WHEN YOUR THIGHS RUB TOGETHER.
 
 
THAT'S VERY
EXCITING WORK, DOCTOR.
 
 
NOW, COME ON. LET ME
SHOW YOU WHAT I'VE DONE
 
 
FOR YOUR FRIEND
BECKERMAN.
 
 
[TOILET FLUSHES]
 
 
WHUP.
JUST ONE MOMENT.
 
 
Anne: WHAT HAPPENED?
 
 
NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU
BUT ME.
 
 
Necessiter:
DOCTOR!
 
 
DID YOU HEAR THAT?
 
 
NO.
 
 
YOU CAN'T HEAR
ANYONE BUT ME.
 
 
IT IS SOME KIND
OF TELEPATHY.
 
 
I'M FRIGHTENED.
 
 
DON'T BE. THINGS ARE NEVER
AS BAD AS THEY SEEM.
 
 
YOU STILL HAVE YOUR BRAIN.
 
 
DR. HFUHRUHURR!
 
 
I'LL BE BACK.
 
 
JUST STAY HERE.
 
 
I BELIEVE YOU KNOW
THIS GENTLEMAN.
 
 
IS THAT
DR. BECKERMAN?
 
 
SORT OF. SEE,
I'VE DEVISED A MACHINE
 
 
THAT CAN TRANSFER THE
ENTIRE CONTENTS OF ONE BRAIN
 
 
INTO ANOTHER BRAIN.
UNDERSTAND, OF COURSE,
 
 
THAT THE BRAIN OF A GORILLA
IS SMALLER THAN A HUMAN'S,
 
 
SO MUCH OF DR. BECKERMAN'S
VAST KNOWLEDGE
 
 
COULDN'T BE ACCOMMODATED.
 
 
DR. BECKERMAN?
 
 
[GRUNTS]
 
 
THAT'S HIM ALL RIGHT.
 
 
WE NEVER DID LIKE TO
SHAKE HANDS WITH HIM.
 
 
HE MUST BE LONELY.
 
 
PERHAPS SOON WE'LL
FIND HIM A COMPANION.
 
 
COME, DOCTOR.
 
 
BYE.
 
 
I'M GOING UP
TO PACK MY CLOTHES.
 
 
CAN YOU SEND THE BELLMAN
UP IN MINUTES?
 
 
YES, SIR.
 
 
"MY DARLING HUSBAND,
 
 
"BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS
I WILL BE DEAD.
 
 
"MY ONLY REGRET
IS THAT I CAUSED YOU PAIN.
 
 
"I HOPE
MY INSURANCE MONEY
 
 
"BRINGS YOU
SOME HAPPINESS.
 
 
"MAY I BURN IN HELL FOR
WHAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU.
 
 
"MY BROKEN BODY
WILL BE LYING
 
 
" FLOORS BELOW.
 
 
"AU REVOIR,
 
 
DOLORES."
 
 
Dolores: AAH!
 
 
NO!
 
 
YOU'RE ALIVE!
 
 
YES.
 
 
BUT THE SCREAM...
 
 
I WAS REHEARSING.
 
 
DON'T COME NEAR ME.
 
 
WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS?
 
 
BECAUSE I'M EVIL.
 
 
YOU'RE NOT EVIL.
YOU'RE SICK.
 
 
SICK?
 
 
YES, FROM THE OPERATION.
 
 
JUST SCREW YOUR HEAD ON
A LITTLE BIT TIGHTER.
 
 
YOU CAN BE WELL.
 
 
IT'S NO USE, MICHAEL.
 
 
I'M NO GOOD FOR YOU.
 
 
AND, BESIDES,
 
 
YOU DIVORCED ME.
 
 
I'M MAKING
A CITIZEN'S ANNULMENT.
 
 
IPSO FACTO,
COITUS INTERRUPTUS.
 
 
I'M COMING TO GET YOU.
 
 
NO! STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
 
 
I CAN'T STAND HURTING YOU
ANYMORE, MICHAEL.
 
 
GOOD-BYE, MY DARLING.
 
 
NO!
 
 
[SUCTION CUP SOUNDS]
 
 
[SQUEEGEE SOUNDS]
 
 
[GASPS]
 
 
TAKE MY HAND.
 
 
YOU'RE SAFE
WITH ME NOW. AAH!
 
 
PUT YOUR ARMS
AROUND MY NECK.
 
 
I HOPE THIS IS STRONG ENOUGH
FOR THE BOTH OF US.
 
 
HANG ON.
 
 
UHH!
 
 
[SUCTION CUP SOUNDS]
 
 
Michael: UHH!
 
 
I DON'T HAVE
ANY MORE SALIVA.
 
 
I NEED YOURS.
 
 
Michael: UHH!
 
 
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT NOW.
 
 
OH!
THERE.
 
 
YOU'RE GOING
TO THE HOSPITAL.
 
 
NO, MICHAEL, PLEASE.
 
 
I WANT TO MAKE IT UP
TO YOU.
 
 
WHEN? THURSDAY?
 
 
HOW ABOUT MONDAY?
 
 
NEXT MONDAY?
 
 
TODAY, MONDAY.
 
 
LATER TODAY?
 
 
NOW.
 
 
RIGHT NOW OR LATER NOW?
 
 
NOWNOW.
 
 
WOW, WOW.
 
 
OH, I LOVE
A CLEAN, SMOOTH,
 
 
HAIRLESS CHEST.
 
 
I MEAN HAIRY.
 
 
HAIRY.
 
 
I NEVER KNEW
IT COULD BE LIKE THAT.
 
 
OH, IT WAS SO...
 
 
SO...
 
 
PROFESSIONAL.
 
 
WE ARE FINALLY UNITED UNDER
THE HOLY LAWS OF MATRIMONY--
 
 
IN SICKNESS
 
 
AND IN HEALTH,
 
 
TILL DEATH--
 
 
DO US PART.
 
 
[KISSES]
 
 
Anne: [FAINTLY]
HELP!
 
 
HELP!
 
 
HELP!
 
 
HELP!
 
 
HELP!
 
 
[DOORBELL RINGS]
 
 
DR. HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
IS DR. NECESSITER IN?
 
 
NO, SIR.
 
 
MAY I WAIT FOR HIM?
 
 
YES.
 
 
[DOORBELL RINGS]
 
 
I MEANT,
MAY I WAIT INSIDE?
 
 
JA.
 
 
MAY I WAIT
IN THE LABORATORY?
 
 
OH, I'M AFRAID
IT'S LOCKED, SIR,
 
 
BUT YOU ARE WELCOME
TO WAIT IN THE DEN.
 
 
MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE, SIR.
 
 
PERHAPS I COULD
BRING YOU A DRINK?
 
 
YES. UH,
TAHITI TINGLE.
 
 
A TINGLE.
 
 
AND TAKE YOUR TIME.
 
 
AH.
 
 
[DOOR CLOSES]
 
 
DAMN.
 
 
[STRAINS]
 
 
AAH!
 
 
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SIR?
 
 
I'M FINE.
I'M FINE.
 
 
I JUST LEANED
AGAINST THE DOOR.
 
 
THE DOORS IN THIS CONDO
ARE PAPER-THIN.
 
 
EVERYTHING TODAY
IS MADE SO CHEAP.
 
 
HERE, LOOK AT THIS WALL--
 
 
LIKE PAPER.
 
 
HERE IS YOUR DRINK, SIR.
 
 
THANK YOU.
 
 
NOW CAN I GET YOU
ANYTHING ELSE, DOCTOR?
 
 
I AM ABOUT TO RETIRE.
 
 
REALLY?
YOU SEEM SO YOUNG.
 
 
NO. I MEAN RETIRE
FOR THE NIGHT.
 
 
OH. OH, NO, THANKS,
I'M FINE.
 
 
AND DON'T WORRY
ABOUT THIS.
 
 
I'LL HAVE IT REPLACED
IN THE MORNING.
 
 
MISS UUMELLMAHAYE?
 
 
MISS UUMELLMAHAYE?
 
 
Anne: [FAINTLY]
DR. HFUHRUHURR?
 
 
MISS UUMELLMAHAYE?
 
 
DR. HFUHRUHURR?
 
 
DR. HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
Michael: NO.
 
 
NO.
 
 
DR. HFUHRUHURR,
 
 
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ME?
 
 
YOU'RE A GORILLA.
 
 
I DON'T FEEL
LIKE A GORILLA.
 
 
WELL, YOU SURE DO
LOOK LIKE ONE.
 
 
BUT I--I CAN'T BE.
 
 
I CAN'T SEE OR TOUCH...
 
 
OR ANYTHING.
 
 
MISS UUMELLMAHAYE?
 
 
CALL ME ANNE.
 
 
THANK GOD.
 
 
YOU'RE STILL A BRAIN.
 
 
OOPS!
 
 
HEY!
 
 
WHY DID YOU THINK
I WAS A GORILLA?
 
 
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT
DR. NECESSITER
 
 
HAS PLANNED FOR YOU.
 
 
BUT DON'T WORRY.
 
 
I HAVE OTHER PLANS.
 
 
[HUMMING]
 
 
[CONTINUES HUMMING]
 
 
YOU'RE IN MY ROOM NOW.
 
 
Anne:
WHERE IN YOUR ROOM?
 
 
IN A--
 
 
ON A GOLD LEAF
FLORENTINE TABLE
 
 
BY THE WINDOW,
 
 
OVERLOOKING A GARDEN.
 
 
OH, I CAN ALMOST
SMELL THE FLOWERS.
 
 
[SNIFFS] PHEW.
 
 
SLEEP WELL, ANNE.
 
 
GOOD NIGHT, MICHAEL.
 
 
GOOD NIGHT.
 
 
MMM.
YOU GETTING UP?
 
 
YEAH, YEAH,
JUST GETTING UP.
 
 
AHH.
 
 
I'LL ORDER US
SOME BREAKFAST.
 
 
YEAH. ORDER ME SHEETS
OF BACON AND A PILLOW.
 
 
HMM?
 
 
HEY, KNOW WHAT
I'VE BEEN THINKING?
 
 
THERE'S NO NEED
TO RUSH HOME RIGHT NOW.
 
 
I'M DUE FOR A SABBATICAL,
 
 
AND THERE'S A LOT
OF EXPERIMENTATION
 
 
GOING ON IN THIS CITY--
 
 
A LOT OF SCIENTISTS,
A LOT OF BRAIN RESEARCH.
 
 
YOU KNOW, I COULD GO OUT
AND LOOK FOR A COTTAGE,
 
 
AND I COULD SET UP
A LITTLE LABORATORY.
 
 
WE COULD BE VERY, VERY
COMFORTABLE THERE.
 
 
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF AN IDEA LIKE THAT?
 
 
YOU THINK I SHOULD GO OUT
AND LOOK FOR ONE RIGHT NOW?
 
 
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
 
 
DO YOU WANT ME
TO GO WITH YOU?
 
 
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT
NECESSARY, REALLY.
 
 
OH, BUT I'D LOVE TO.
 
 
OH, IT'S SO MUCH TROUBLE,
 
 
[KNOCK WITH
KNOCK] THE DRIVING
 
 
AND THE REALTORS.
 
 
YES?
 
 
MAY I TAKE THE TABLE?
 
 
OH, YEAH, COME ON IN.
 
 
IT'S REALLY...
 
 
AHEM.
 
 
MADAME.
 
 
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
 
 
IT ISN'T NECESSARY
FOR ME TO GO.
 
 
I'D JUST BE IN THE WAY.
 
 
IT'S BEST.
 
 
I THINK I'LL JUST
 
 
SLIP...
 
 
OUT OF THESE CLOTHES
 
 
INTO A HOT BATH.
 
 
THAT'S GREAT.
 
 
THAT'S GREAT.
 
 
YEP.
 
 
[MISPRONOUNCES] AHEM.
YOU MUST BE DR. HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
HFUHRUHURR, YES.
 
 
CAN I GIVE YOU
A HAND, SIR?
 
 
NO, I'M FINE.
 
 
WHAT DO YOU HAVE THERE?
 
 
YOU HAVE A CUTE LITTLE
KITTY CAT IN THERE?
 
 
HELLO,KATZE.
 
 
PEEKABOO.
I SEE YOU.
 
 
AH, THAT'S CUTE--
 
 
ALL CURLED UP
IN THE LITTLE BALL.
 
 
[LAUGHS]
 
 
OH, YOU HAVE
NO HAIR. OHH!
 
 
SORRY. UM...
 
 
I'D LIKE TO SEE THE HOUSE.
 
 
[CLICKS HEELS]
SURE.
 
 
Michael: GUESS WHAT?
 
 
I FOUND US A COTTAGE,
 
 
AND I THINK WE OUGHT
TO GO THERE RIGHT AWAY.
 
 
WELL, WHAT'S THE RUSH?
 
 
WELL, I SET UP
AN EXPERIMENT,
 
 
AND I TOLD IT
I'D BE RIGHT BACK.
 
 
OH, YOU'RE DRESSED.
GOOD.
 
 
I'LL GO GET THE CAR.
 
 
LET'S GO!
 
 
Dolores: WHY ARE YOU
DRIVING SO FAST?
 
 
I JUST WANT TO SHOW YOU
OUR NEW HOME.
 
 
WHAT IS THIS EXPERIMENT
YOU'RE DOING?
 
 
JUST SOME BORING
BRAIN STUFF.
 
 
OH, YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO HAVE MICE AND RATS
 
 
IN THE HOUSE, ARE YOU?
 
 
NO, NO.
JUST SOME MICROSCOPES
 
 
AND TEST TUBES
AND BEAKERS
 
 
AND MAYBE A BRAIN.
 
 
A BRAIN?
 
 
JUST A SMALL -POUNDER.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE IT.
 
 
I'LL KEEP IT LOCKED UP.
 
 
Michael: RUTH WAS
THE GREATEST BASEBALL PLAYER
 
 
OF ALL TIME.
 
 
YOU NEVER SAW RUTH PLAY.
 
 
ON FILM, I DID.
 
 
MICHAEL, ARE YOU
ON THE PHONE?
 
 
UH, YES.
 
 
WELL, I'M WAITING FOR YOU...
 
 
IN BED.
 
 
WE'LL FINISH THIS TOMORROW.
 
 
MICHAEL,
IT WAS FUN TONIGHT.
 
 
IT WAS FUN FOR ME, TOO.
 
 
[YAWNS]
 
 
[KISSES]
 
 
DON'T YOU WANT
TO MAKE LOVE?
 
 
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
 
 
THAT'D BE GREAT.
 
 
I'LL TAKE THIS OFF.
 
 
NO, NO, NO. I CAN--
I CAN WORK AROUND IT.
 
 
OH, THAT FEELS SO...
 
 
OVER.
 
 
IT JUST KEEPS GETTING
BETTER AND BETTER.
 
 
[KNOCKS ON DOOR]
 
 
WHAT?
 
 
ARE YOU GOING TO BE
IN THERE FOREVER?
 
 
UH-HUH.
I MEAN, UH, NO, NO.
 
 
JUST ANOTHER
COUPLE OF DAYS.
 
 
OH.
 
 
WELL, I GUESS
I'LL JUST GO TO TOWN
 
 
AND TRY AND FIND
SOMETHING TO DO.
 
 
OH, DON'T GO.
 
 
BYE, DARLING.
 
 
I CAN SPEND
THE WHOLE DAY WITH YOU.
 
 
ARE YOU BUSY?
 
 
Anne: YES, BUT I'LL
CANCEL MY APPOINTMENTS.
 
 
[SIGHS]
THE WHOLE DAY.
 
 
I DON'T THINK
THERE'S A GIRL
 
 
FLOATING IN ANY JAR
ANYWHERE
 
 
WHO'S AS HAPPY AS I AM.
 
 
OH, MICHAEL,
YOU DO SO MUCH FOR ME,
 
 
AND I DO NOTHING
FOR YOU.
 
 
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR HEAD?
 
 
I'M SORRY.
I FORGOT.
 
 
AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
 
 
YOU'RE THE MOST COMPLETE
WOMAN I'VE EVER KNOWN.
 
 
ALL MY LIFE, I WANTED WOMEN
WITH GREAT BODIES--
 
 
WOMEN WHO WERE s.
 
 
AND NOW...
 
 
FOR THE FIRST TIME,
 
 
I'M AROUSED BY A MIND.
 
 
MICHAEL,
 
 
I WISH I COULD KISS YOU.
 
 
I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THAT.
 
 
REALLY?
 
 
YES, REALLY.
 
 
I, UH...
 
 
I BOUGHT YOU
A PAIR OF WAX LIPS.
 
 
I WAS GOING TO STICK THEM
ON YOUR JAR.
 
 
IS THAT CRAZY?
 
 
OH, NO.
 
 
PLEASE.
 
 
HOW DO I LOOK?
 
 
MICHAEL?
YES?
 
 
WERE YOU OUT
ON THE LAKE TODAY
 
 
KISSING YOUR BRAIN?
 
 
NO.
 
 
YOU DIDN'T TAKE
THE ROWBOAT OUT?
 
 
FUNNY.
 
 
THERE WAS A MAN
OUT THERE,
 
 
LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU,
KISSING A BRAIN.
 
 
MUST'VE BEEN
SOMEBODY ELSE.
 
 
SOMEBODY ELSE?
 
 
HOW MANY MEN ARE THERE
AROUND HERE,
 
 
DO YOU SUPPOSE, WHO LOOK
EXACTLY LIKE YOU
 
 
AND HAVE BRAINS IN JARS?
 
 
OH...
 
 
WELL, AROUND HERE,
MUST BE HUNDREDS.
 
 
OH, STOP IT, MICHAEL.
 
 
I KNOW THERE'S SOMETHING
WEIRD GOING ON
 
 
WITH YOU AND THAT BRAIN.
 
 
IT'S NOT WEIRD.
 
 
IT'S MY WORK.
 
 
OH.
 
 
IT'S YOUR WORK TO KISS
A DEAD BRAIN?
 
 
SHE'S NOT DEAD.
SHE'S ALIVE.
 
 
SO, NOW IT'S A SHE!
 
 
YOU CARE MORE ABOUT
THAT BRAIN THAN YOU DO ME.
 
 
MICHAEL, I AM YOUR COOK,
 
 
YOUR MAID, YOUR LOVER.
 
 
I'M UNDERSTANDING
ABOUT YOUR WORK.
 
 
I ALMOST THREW MYSELF OUT
A WINDOW BECAUSE OF YOU.
 
 
AND YOU,
 
 
YOU TREAT ME
LIKE A DOORMAT.
 
 
DOLORES,
 
 
I'M SORRY.
I--I JUST...
 
 
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
 
 
I DIDN'T REALIZE
WHAT I WAS DOING TO YOU.
 
 
HELLO?
 
 
WHO?
 
 
MR. GLADSTONE?
 
 
WHAT MESSAGE?
 
 
WHAT?
 
 
GRANDMA NOONEY DIED?
 
 
NO, SHE DIDN'T TELL ME.
 
 
HOW MUCH?
 
 
 MILLION.
 
 
FIRST THING MONDAY.
 
 
THE DAY YOU LEARNED
ABOUT MY INHERITANCE
 
 
IS THE DAY YOU STARTED
TO BE NICE TO ME.
 
 
WHAT A COINCIDENCE.
 
 
YOU ONLY STAYED AROUND
FOR THE MONEY.
 
 
WHAT OTHER REASON
COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE?
 
 
GOD!
 
 
Michael: IT'S
CITIZEN'S DIVORCE TIME!
 
 
FINAL DECREE!
 
 
UGH. SON OF A BITCH.
 
 
OOH!
 
 
[TICKING]
 
 
Anne: HELP!
 
 
HELP!
 
 
ANNE?
 
 
Anne: HELP!
 
 
[TICKING]
 
 
WHERE'S MY BRAIN?
 
 
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
 
 
I'M BUSY.
 
 
I'M COOKINGCERVELLE
AU BEURRE NOIR.
 
 
CERVELLE
AU BEURRE NOIR?
 
 
I KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
 
 
I HAD THAT ONCE WHEN I WAS
IN THE ARMY IN FRANCE.
 
 
IT WAS A SMALL CAF?.
 
 
I WAS YOUNG. I WAS IMPETUOUS.
I'D EAT ANYTHING.
 
 
[SNAPS FINGERS]
CERVELLE AU BEURRE NOIR--
 
 
THAT'S--THAT'S--
THAT--
 
 
BRAINS IN BLACK BUTTER!
 
 
[LAUGHS]
 
 
OW! OOH! AHH! OHH!
 
 
OK, ANNE.
 
 
OH, PLEASE
SAY SOMETHING.
 
 
Anne: UHH, I THINK
I'M ALL RIGHT.
 
 
COUNT TO .
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ...
 
 
 .
 
 
[BANGS ON SINK]
 
 
YOU!
 
 
YOU COOKED HER s.
 
 
OUT!
 
 
OUT OF MY HOUSE!
 
 
OUT OF MY LIFE!
 
 
IF YOU LAY ONE FINGER
ON ME, I'LL KILL YOU!
 
 
YOU KILL ME,
AND I'LL SEE
 
 
THAT YOU NEVER WORK
IN THIS TOWN AGAIN!
 
 
NOBODY'S GOING TO KEEP ME
FROM WORKING IN THIS TOWN!
 
 
HA!
 
 
GODDAMN!
 
 
UHH!
UHH!
 
 
MY BALLS!
 
 
OW!
 
 
Dolores: OW!
 
 
I'LL GET YOU!
 
 
I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!
 
 
I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS,
YOU NIGGER-KIKE-WOP!
 
 
INTO THE MUD,
SCUM QUEEN!
 
 
AAH!
 
 
Michael: YOU'LL NEVER GET
A PENNY OF THAT INHERITANCE.
 
 
FIRST THING MONDAY,
I'M DONATING IT
 
 
TO CRANIAL RESEARCH
FOR THE POOR.
 
 
[SPITS OUT MUD]
 
 
BY MONDAY,
 
 
YOU'LL BE DEAD!
 
 
[DOOR SLAMS]
 
 
ANNE.
 
 
ANNE.
 
 
Anne: MICHAEL, WHO DID YOU
CALL A SCUM QUEEN?
 
 
OH...
 
 
JUST SOME SCUM QUEEN.
 
 
I'M FRIGHTENED, MICHAEL.
 
 
I FEEL SO STRANGE.
 
 
I FEEL THE WORLD
SLIPPING AWAY.
 
 
IF ONLY WE COULD BE
TOGETHER--
 
 
REALLYTOGETHER.
 
 
WE CAN, DARLING.
 
 
OH, WE CAN.
 
 
DR. NECESSITER,
 
 
I WANT TO BECOME
A BRAIN.
 
 
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
 
 
I WANT YOU TO BUILD
A TANK FOR .
 
 
I WANT YOU TO PUT ME IN
WITH ANNE UUMELLMAHAYE.
 
 
ANNE UUMELLMA-WHO?
 
 
UUMELLMAHAYE.
 
 
BRAIN TO YOU.
 
 
SO, YOU'RE THE ONE
WHO STOLE BRAIN .
 
 
WHERE IS IT?
 
 
IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR.
 
 
I TOLD HER IT WAS A BOX SEAT
AT THE VIENNA OPERA.
 
 
HERE ARE MY INSTRUMENTS.
 
 
DO I UNDERSTAND YOU
CORRECTLY?
 
 
YOU WANT ME TO REMOVE
YOUR BRAIN
 
 
AND PUT IT IN A TANK
WITH NUMBER ?
 
 
YES! WE CAN
COMMUNICATE.
 
 
WE'RE IN LOVE.
 
 
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY
WE CAN BE TOGETHER.
 
 
PUT ME IN A TANK.
 
 
THERE IS AN ALTERNATIVE.
 
 
AS YOU KNOW, MY RESEARCH
HAS ADVANCED TO A POINT
 
 
WHERE I CAN PUT HER MIND
INTO THE BODY OF A GORILLA.
 
 
I COULDN'T FUCK
A GORILLA.
 
 
YES, I KNOW,
 
 
BUT THERE IS ONE OTHER
ALTERNATIVE--
 
 
A HUMAN SUBJECT.
 
 
ARE YOU SAYING YOU CAN
PLACE HER THOUGHTS
 
 
IN ANOTHER WOMAN'S BODY?
 
 
IN THE PAST WEEK, I'VE HAD
 NEAR SUCCESSES.
 
 
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
NEARSUCCESSES?
 
 
IN MY RECOVERY ROOM
 
 
ARE SUBJECTS
WHO DO NOTHING BUT THIS...
 
 
[RAZZES]
 
 
BUT I THINK I'VE SOLVED
THE PROBLEM!
 
 
WHAT KIND OF LIFE
WOULD THAT BE?
 
 
THIS IS MY WIFE.
 
 
[RAZZES]
 
 
OH, I KNOW HER.
SHE'D HATE THAT.
 
 
I'D RATHER KEEP HER
IN A JAR.
 
 
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HER
THERE FOR LONG.
 
 
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
 
 
IT'S A MIRACLE
SHE'S STILL ALIVE.
 
 
SHE'S OUTLIVED
EVERY BRAIN I'VE HAD.
 
 
YOU'LL BE LUCKY
IF SHE SURVIVES THE WEEKEND.
 
 
ALL RIGHT.
 
 
WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?
 
 
WAIT.
 
 
WAIT FOR WHAT?
 
 
FOR THE ELEVATOR KILLER
TO STRIKE AGAIN.
 
 
ANNE COULD BE DEAD
BY THEN.
 
 
I'LL CHECK THE HOSPITAL,
 
 
THE MORGUE--
 
 
EVERYWHERE DEAD BODIES
HANG OUT.
 
 
I'LL GET HER A BODY.
 
 
I'LL PREPARE
THE LABORATORY,
 
 
AND IN CASE
YOU'RE NOT SUCCESSFUL,
 
 
I'LL HAVE THE GORILLA
WIRED AND READY.
 
 
I'LL GET
A BODY!
 
 
WILL THIS DO?
 
 
SHE JUST--
 
 
SHE JUST DOESN'T
HAVE ANY...
 
 
VA-VOOM.
 
 
SHE IS DEAD, YOU KNOW.
 
 
STILL...
 
 
YOU DON'T LIKE
ANYTHING HERE?
 
 
NO. NOTHING REALLY
LEAPS OUT AT ME.
 
 
OOH.
 
 
ACTION'S STIFF.
 
 
I CAN FILE DOWN
THAT SEAR PIN.
 
 
LET ME HAVE A BOX
OF DUMDUMS.
 
 
THEY'RE ILLEGAL, MADAM.
 
 
SO IS KILLING
YOUR HUSBAND.
 
 
[CLICK]
 
 
Michael: OH,
IF SHE WERE ONLY DEAD.
 
 
Woman: AAH!
 
 
YEAH!
 
 
[PEOPLE TALKING
IN GERMAN]
 
 
SHE IS DEAD.
 
 
LET ME THROUGH.
I'M A DOCTOR.
 
 
I'M A DOCTOR.
 
 
YOU'RE TOO LATE.
 
 
GOOD.
 
 
I MEAN, OH.
 
 
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
 
 
SHE'S PERFECT.
 
 
SHE'S ALIVE.
 
 
SHE'S DEAD. SHE'S DEAD.
 
 
SHE'S GOT TO BE DEAD!
 
 
[CROWD YELLING
IN GERMAN]
 
 
DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.
 
 
[COUGHS]
 
 
Man: CRAZY MANIAC!
 
 
[CROWD CONTINUES
TALKING IN GERMAN]
 
 
[GROWLS]
 
 
NEED A BODY.
YEAH.
 
 
"IN DILMAN'S GROVE,
 
 
"MY LOVE
 
 
DID DIE."
 
 
DRIVER...
 
 
FOLLOW THAT CAR.
 
 
[CAR HONKS HORN]
 
 
BEAUTIFUL.
 
 
WHERE CAN I SEE
THE REST OF YOU?
 
 
MAMA.
 
 
WHERE CAN WE GO?
 
 
[WHINY VOICE] WELL,
WE CAN GO TO MY ROOM.
 
 
IT'S ON
THE FOURTH FLOOR.
 
 
MY NAME'S FRAN.
 
 
I'M AN AMERICAN.
 
 
I GUESS YOU COULD SAY I'M
A MEMBER OF THE PIECE CORPS.
 
 
[SNORTING LAUGH]
GET IT?
 
 
WHAT IS IT?
 
 
MY VOICE?
 
 
DID I BLOW THE DEAL?
 
 
I KNEW I SHOULDN'T TALK
UNTIL I MAKE THE DEAL.
 
 
I KNOW MY VOICE
IS TERRIBLE.
 
 
IT IRRITATES PEOPLE
SO MUCH
 
 
THEY USUALLY JUST WANT
TO KILL ME.
 
 
KEEP TALKING.
KEEP TALKING.
 
 
OH, GOOD.
I NEVER GET TO TALK.
 
 
MY WHOLE FAMILY
LOVES TO TALK.
 
 
COME ON IN, HONEY,
 
 
AND MAKE YOURSELF
AT HOME.
 
 
I'LL, UH...
 
 
BE RIGHT OUT, OK?
 
 
?? DUKE, DUKE, DUKE ??
 
 
?? DUKE OF EARL, EARL ??
 
 
YOU LIKE MUSIC?
 
 
THAT'S MY FAVORITE SONG,
YOU KNOW?
 
 
?? DUKE OF EARL,
EARL, EARL ??
 
 
?? DUKE OF EARL,
EARL, EARL ??
 
 
?? DUKE OF EARL ??
 
 
COME ON, DUKE, WE'RE
GOING TO HAVE SOME FUN.
 
 
?? DUKE, DUKE, DUKE
OF EARL, EARL, EARL ??
 
 
[SINGINGDUKE OF EARL]
 
 
Michael: IT'S MURDER.
 
 
NO, IT'S NOT MURDER.
 
 
HER BODY WILL
STILL BE ALIVE...
 
 
??
?? DUKE OF EARL
 
 
BUT HER MIND
WILL BE DEAD.
 
 
??
?? DUKE OF EARL
 
 
BUT HER BODY...
 
 
HER BODY.
 
 
I CAN HAVE IT ALL--
 
 
THE PERFECT MIND
 
 
IN THE PERFECT BODY.
 
 
YES.
 
 
YES.
 
 
KILL.
 
 
KILL.
 
 
YES.
 
 
YES. YES.
 
 
KILL HER. YES.
 
 
YES. YES.
 
 
KILL HER.
KILL, KILL, KILL.
 
 
KILL HER. YES, YES.
 
 
I CAN'T.
 
 
CAN'T WHAT?
 
 
I CAN'T INJECT YOU
WITH WINDOW CLEANER.
 
 
I DON'T MIND.
 
 
HEY, WHAT DOES IT DO,
ANYWAY?
 
 
IT CAUSES YOUR BRAIN
TO DIE LAST.
 
 
I DON'T MIND.
 
 
[DOOR OPENS
AND CLOSES]
 
 
IT'S MY VOICE.
 
 
DAMN.
 
 
WELL...
 
 
WHAT AREYOU
DOING HERE?
 
 
DOLORES.
 
 
YOU.
 
 
YOU'RE THE ELEVATOR
KILLER.
 
 
MERV GRIFFIN.
 
 
YEAH.
 
 
WHY?
 
 
I DON'T KNOW. I'VE ALWAYS
JUST LOVED TO KILL.
 
 
I'VE REALLY ENJOYED IT.
 
 
BUT THEN I GOT FAMOUS,
 
 
AND IT'S JUST
TOO HARD FOR ME.
 
 
I MEAN, SO MANY WITNESSES.
 
 
I MEAN, EVERYBODY
RECOGNIZED ME.
 
 
I COULDN'T EVEN LURK
ANYMORE.
 
 
I'D HEAR, "WHO'S THAT
LURKING OVER THERE?
 
 
ISN'T THAT MERV GRIFFIN?"
 
 
SO I CAME TO EUROPE
TO KILL,
 
 
AND IT'S REALLY WORKED OUT
VERY WELL FOR ME--
 
 
UNTIL NOW.
 
 
Michael:
SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.
 
 
YEAH, ISN'T SHE?
 
 
THIS MAY BE
THE ONE THING
 
 
THAT SAVES OUR MARRIAGE.
 
 
HEY, YOU GOING
TO TURN ME IN?
 
 
I DON'T HAVE TIME.
 
 
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO TURN YOURSELF IN.
 
 
PROMISE ME.
I PROMISE.
 
 
I AM NEVER TAKING YOU
ANYWHERE AGAIN.
 
 
ANNE, ARE YOU
ALL RIGHT?
 
 
Anne: I'M VERY...
 
 
VERY SLEEPY.
 
 
ANNE,
 
 
STAY AWAKE.
 
 
LOOK, I GOT
MERV GRIFFIN'S AUTOGRAPH.
 
 
I'M SLEEPY.
 
 
OH, MY GOD.
 
 
Anne: [WEAKLY]
MICHAEL...
 
 
ANNE, STAY WITH ME.
 
 
SOON.
 
 
HELP ME. SOON WE'LL
BE TOGETHER.
 
 
[SIREN]
 
 
[BRAKES SQUEAL]
 
 
HUH?
 
 
[REPEATS QUESTION]
 
 
OH, I'M SORRY, OFFICER.
 
 
OH, YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?
 
 
GOOD.
 
 
THAT'S BETTER. WE HAVE
MORE ROOM DOWN THERE NOW.
 
 
LICENSE?
 
 
DOCTOR...
 
 
HFUHRUHURR?
 
 
YES.
 
 
WHAT'S THE RUSH?
 
 
AND WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH HER?
 
 
SHE'S JUST DRUNK--
 
 
DEAD DRUNK.
 
 
UH-HUH.
 
 
AND YOU?
 
 
YOU HAVE A LITTLE
TO DRINK, TOO, HMM?
 
 
OH, NO, NO, NO,
I DRON'T DINK.
 
 
DON'T DRINK.
 
 
MM-HMM.
 
 
GET OUT OF THE CAR.
 
 
STRETCH OUT YOUR ARMS
 
 
AND TOUCH YOUR NOSE
WITH YOUR FINGER.
 
 
HMM.
 
 
NOW WALK
THIS WHITE LINE.
 
 
HALT!
 
 
COME BACK.
 
 
ON YOUR HANDS!
 
 
ONE HAND.
 
 
NOW DO ROLL OVER, TURN
OVER, AND FLIP-FLOP.
 
 
ALL RIGHT.
 
 
NOW JUGGLE THESE,
DO A TAP DANCE, AND SING
 
 
THE CATALINA MAGDALENA
LUPENSTEINER WALLABEINER SONG.
 
 
GODDAMN, YOUR
DRUNK TESTS ARE HARD.
 
 
?? CATALINA MAGDALENA ??
 
 
?? LUPENSTEINER
WALLABEINER ??
 
 
?? WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
WHAT'S HER NAME? ??
 
 
ALL RIGHT,
YOU'RE NOT DRUNK.
 
 
YOU CAN GO.
 
 
MY ORANGES.
 
 
[STARTS ENGINE]
 
 
NOW DRIVE CAREFULLY.
 
 
WAIT!
 
 
SHE'S NOT DRUNK.
 
 
SHE'S DEAD!
 
 
DEAD? MY GOD,
 
 
I BETTER GET HER
TO A CEMETERY RIGHT AWAY.
 
 
[TIRES SQUEAL]
 
 
[CRASH]
 
 
Officer:
OH, MY GOD. OHH!
 
 
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
 
 
JA. JAWOHL.
 
 
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
 
 
Anne: VERY SLEEPY.
 
 
ANNE, DON'T GO TO SLEEP.
WALK AROUND. WALK AROUND.
 
 
ROTE MERCEDES.
 
 
DAS ES DAS. SCHNELL!
 
 
SCHNELL, SHCNELL, DUMKOPF.
 
 
[SIREN]
 
 
HALTEN, HALTEN.
 
 
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
 
 
[TIRES SCREECH]
 
 
[SPEAKS GERMAN]
 
 
[DOORBELL CHIMES]
 
 
COME ON.
 
 
BAR THAT DOOR.
 
 
YES, SIR.
 
 
NECESSITER!
 
 
SCHMIDT, WE NEED
A BATTERING RAM.
 
 
RIGHT AWAY, INSPECTOR.
 
 
Woman:JA?
 
 
EXCUSE ME. COULD WE
BORROW A BATTERING RAM?
 
 
YOU'LL RETURN IT?
 
 
JA.
GUT.
 
 
Inspector: HURRY, HURRY!
 
 
ONE...
 
 
 ...
 
 
 !
 
 
ON !
 
 
ONE...
 
 
 ...
 
 
 !
 
 
AAH!
AAH!
 
 
DR. NECESSITER!
 
 
CHEER UP, DEAR BOY.
HAVE A DRINK.
 
 
THERE'S NO TIME
FOR DRINKS.
 
 
ANNE IS DYING.
 
 
YOU'RE DYING, I'M DYING,
MY MACHINE IS DYING.
 
 
MY WONDERFUL MACHINE.
 
 
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
 
 
IT WON'T START.
IT'S BROKEN.
 
 
WELL, THERE MUST BE
SOME WAY TO FIX IT.
 
 
AAH!
 
 
OOH!
 
 
INSPECTOR, INSPECTOR.
 
 
DR. NECESSITER.
 
 
THE TRANSFORMER
OF YOUR MACHINE--
 
 
ARE YOU AWARE
IT'S COIN-OPERATED?
 
 
GOOD LORD.
I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT.
 
 
WHEN I BUILT THE MACHINE
I USED THE GUTS OF A VIDEO GAME.
 
 
QUARTERS, QUARTERS.
 
 
I'VE GOT QUARTERS.
 
 
JUST ENOUGH
FOR THE TRANSFERENCE.
 
 
ALL RIGHT?
 
 
ALL RIGHT.
 
 
ALL RIGHT?
 
 
Anne: ALL RIGHT.
 
 
READY NOW.
 
 
SET THE HEMOFARCAL
OVERLOAD, . .
 
 
HEMOFARCAL
OVERLOAD, . .
 
 
[FANFARE]
 
 
SEPTUM LUDEGATION
FACTOR O . .
 
 
SEPTUM LUDEGATION
FACTOR O . .
 
 
AORTIC PETRIFICATION
RATIO OVER .
 
 
AORTIC PETRIFICATION
RATIO OVER .
 
 
[COUGHS]
 
 
[COUGHS]
 
 
SET THE THERAMIN
AT .
 
 
THERAMIN, .
 
 
[MACHINE WHISTLING]
 
 
ACTIVATE MAIN TRANSFERENCE
NUMBER .
 
 
IT'S OPEN!
RETURN THE RAM!
 
 
HERE IS YOUR RAM.
THANK YOU.
 
 
FOLLOW ME.
 
 
 ...
 
 
 ...
 
 
 ...
 
 
 !
 
 
STOP! YOU'RE UNDER
ARREST FOR MURDER.
 
 
WE ARE NOT MURDERING!
 
 
WE ARE RESURRECTING!
 
 
MOVING LIFE FROM ONE BODY
TO ANOTHER!
 
 
YOU ARE PLAYING GOD!
 
 
SOMEBODY HAS TO!
 
 
THE DOGMAS OF THE QUIET PAST
 
 
ARE INADEQUATE
FOR THE STORMY PRESENT!
 
 
THE OCCASION IN PILED HIGH
WITH DIFFICULTY,
 
 
AND WE MUST RISE
TO THE OCCASION!
 
 
WHOO! FOR COPIES
OF THIS SPEECH,
 
 
SEND ONE DOLLAR TO BOX 
STONE MOUNTAIN, GEORGIA!
 
 
HE'S CRAZY.
NO.
 
 
AAH!
 
 
[PINBALL MACHINE BELLS]
 
 
AAH!
 
 
DON'T TOUCH THAT!
 
 
WELL, THE OPERATION
SEEMS TO BE A SUCCESS...
 
 
BUT THE DOCTOR DIED.
 
 
UH...
 
 
WHERE AM I?
 
 
YOU'RE IN OUR OWN
HOSPITAL, MY BOY.
 
 
HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE?
 
 
YOU'VE BEEN HERE
 WEEKS.
 
 
YOUR WIFE IS HERE.
 
 
SHE'S IN
THE WAITING ROOM.
 
 
WHOSE BRAIN DOES SHE HAVE?
 
 
WHOSE BRAIN
DOES SHE HAVE?
 
 
DOES SHE TALK...
 
 
OR DOES SHE GO...
 
 
[RAZZES]
 
 
NO, SHE TALKS,
MICHAEL.
 
 
[LAUGHS]
 
 
NO, NO, NO.
 
 
YOU'VE BEEN
IN BED WEEKS.
 
 
YOU DON'T HAVE
THE STRENGTH.
 
 
I'M STRONG ENOUGH.
 
 
I WANT TO SEE HER.
 
 
NURSE, TELL MRS. HUFFER
THE DOCTOR'S AWAKE.
 
 
HFUHRUHURR.
 
 
WAIT.
 
 
I DON'T WANT HER
TO SEE ME LIKE THIS.
 
 
I WANT TO BE ON MY OWN FEET.
 
 
THERE.
 
 
YOUR HUSBAND IS AWAKE
AND CAN SEE YOU.
 
 
HE'S AWAKE?
 
 
WHAT'S WRONG?
 
 
I NEVER TOLD HIM
I WAS A COMPULSIVE EATER.
 
 
I'VE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT.
 
 
MICHAEL.
 
 
ANNE...
 
 
UUMELLMAHAYE?
 
 
YES, MICHAEL.
 
 
YOU'RE NOT DISAPPOINTED
I'M SO FAT?
 
 
WHAT FAT?
Category:Transcripts