On Strike (showtape) (Johnsonverse)

Played at ShowBiz Pizza Place in the Japanese Isles in November 2016. This show introduces Ui Hirasawa, replacing Rolfe DeWolfe on Stage Right.
==Cast==
*Aaron Fechter as Billy Bob Brockali, Looney Bird, and Earl Schmerle
* Xanthe Huynh as Ui Hirasawa
* Duncan Brannan as Chuck E. Cheese and Larry the Technician
* Jaret Reddick as Crusty T. Cat
* Karlisa Burleson as Helen Henny
* John Bowen as Mr. Munch
* Jeremy Blaido as Jasper T. Jowls
* Earl Fisher as Pasqually P. Pieplate
* Annagrey Wiechman as Harmony Howlette
* Stephanie Sheh as Yui Hirasawa
* Shelby Lindley as Tsumugi "Mugi" Kotobuki
* Cassandra Lee Morris as Ritsu Tainaka
* Cristina Valenzuela as Mio Akiyama
*Christine Marie Cabanos as Azusa Nakano (archive audio) and Angry Customer
* Michelle Ruff as Rei Ayanami
* Tim Johnson as himself
* Scott Wilson as Wolfman Zapp (voice only)
* Chloe Johnson as Sex Hotline Voice (voice only)
* Tom Kenny as Bobby (Audience Member #1) and Screaming Voice #1
* Rob Paulsen as Audience Member #2
* Kristen Schaal as Audience Member #3
* Cree Summer as Audience Member #4 and Screaming Voice #2
* Patton Oswalt as Audience Member #5
* Maurice LaMarche as Screaming Voice #3 (voice only)
* Tress MacNeille as Screaming Voice #4 (voice only)
*Fred Tatasciore as Angry Customer (voice only)
* Duke Chauppetta as Dook LaRue (voice only)
* Burt "Sal" Wilson as Fatz Geronimo (voice only)
*Lindsay Jones as Ruby Rose
*Dana Snyder as Chocodile
=== Songs ===
== Summary ==
Following the Magic Night incident, all four members of Ho-kago Tea Time go on strike to protest the chauvinistic conditions they were subjected to by Rolfe DeWolfe (a YouTube video posted by ShowBiz showed Ritsu and Mio having created a picket line outside one of the Yokohama locations, Ritsu shouting "Rolfe's a jerk! Ain't gonna work!"; this also appeared in a CEC TV News segment, which also had a scene about Mr. Munch's attempts to pan for pizza as if it was gold, which earned him scorn from Tim, who did a report on it in the style of his review segments on Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson), and the animatronic show went on hiatus; in its place, older Rock-afire Explosion Cyberstar segments from the late 1980s were shown. This showtape revealed Rolfe's termination from the Japanese franchise for making sexist and racist comments following "Puff the Magic Dragon". He was replaced by Yui's sister, Ui Hirasawa, who still utilized Earl; unlike Rolfe, Ui and Earl actually put together coherent comedy acts, and are very civilized towards each other. A new stage design for Ui was introduced for the Christmas 2016 showtape.
Over the course of the second segment, Billy Bob, Looney Bird, Ui, and Earl struggle to keep the show going, trying to find stuff to talk about and songs to sing before the audience walks out, even getting desperate enough to use Ui's iPhone to call up Uncle Klunk, only to find he had since changed his number (the number is now that of a sex hotline, which is hung up before anything explicit could be said), so they settle for commentating on late-1980s Cyberstar segments, as well as Skyping Chuck E.'s Pizza Time Band and making cracks at the Five Nights at Freddy's video game. The show ends with Ui taking a tour inside Looney Bird's barrel, in which Looney reveals that his barrel transports to a series of underground labs in Florida, much to Ui's horror.
==Transcript==
=== Intermission 1 ===
* (An eight-minute countdown plays, accompanied by "TBA", then "TBA", and "TBA")
===Segment 1===
* (The SPT Feature Presentation intro plays)
* (The segment begins with the CEC TV intro, then cuts to Mr. Munch, in puppet form, apparently panning for gold in a river.)
* Zapp: Spanning the globe...
* Chuck E. (o/s): No, Munch, he said spanning the globe, not panning for gold!
* Mr. Munch: Oh, I'm not panning for gold, Chuck E., I'm panning for pizza!
* (Cut to the CEC TV News intro)
* Zapp: It's time for CEC TV News! Featuring newshound Jasper T. Jowls, plucky reporter Helen Henny, sporty howler Harmony Howlette, foreign correspondent Pasqually P. Pieplate...
* Pasqually: Ciao! Heh heh!
* Zapp: ...and Mr. Munch, taking care of the leftovers.
* Mr. Munch: Did somebody say "chow"? Ha, ha!
* Zapp: Take it away, Chuck E. and Crusty!
* (Chuck E. and Crusty appear at a news desk in puppet form.)
* Chuck E.: Thanks, Wolfman Zapp! Hello, everybody, and welcome to CEC TV News!
* Crusty: It sure is a busy news day today!
* (A graphic appears with a picket sign that reads "Strike!" on it)
* Chuck E.: Our top story: the Strike of the Century! Following the events of Magic Night at ShowBiz Pizza Place locations in the Japanese States, Ho-kago Tea Time has gone on strike, protesting the sexist and racist environment that can be traced back to one Rolfe DeWolfe! 
*Crusty: The disgraced ventriloquist and comedian has been fired from performing at locations in the Japanese States, but will continue performing with the Rock-afire Explosion literally everywhere else. 
*Chuck E.: With his sidekick Earl Schmerle now is Helen Henny.
* (Cuts to Helen in puppet form outside of Rolfe's house with Earl in animatronic form)
* Helen: Thanks, Chuck E. Mr. Schmerle--
* Earl: You can call me Earl.
* Helen: Okay, uh, Earl, can you give your side of the events of that night?
* Earl: Gladly! Rolfe was being so insensitive, so misogynistic, I would've slapped him if, ya know, I actually had use of anything below my neck.
* Helen: What about the ensuing scuffle between Rolfe and Ritsu?
* Earl: Scuffle? I think "beatdown" would be a more accurate description. Ritsu came in like a wreckin' ball and made Rolfe cry and scream like a little girl. It was glorious...
* (Cut back to news studio)
* Chuck E.: Unfortunately, we can't air the rest of Earl's interview because he began advocating for further violence against Rolfe.
* Crusty: Jasper T. Jowls, meanwhile, caught up with Billy Bob and Looney Bird.
* (Cut to Jasper in puppet form at Smitty's Super Service Station with Billy Bob and Looney Bird in animatronic form)
* Billy Bob: I tried VERY hard to stop Ritsu from doing somethin' so rash, but apparently, Charlie shut off my mic. No matter what Rolfe said, he didn't deserve this.
* Looney Bird: Okay, A: I cut your mic with a box cutter, and B: Rolfe has had it coming since 1980.
* Billy Bob: Looney Bird, I thought I said DON'T advocate violence when they interview us!
* Jasper: Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with Looney Bird here. Rolfe is an EXTREMELY unpleasant person to work with.
* (Cut back to news studio)
* Chuck E.: Our cameras were on site at a ShowBiz Pizza Place location in Yokohama, Kantō, where Ritsu and Mio have set up a picket line.
* (Cut to the Yokohama location, where Ritsu and Mio, in animated form, are seen marching back and forth with picket signs)
* Ritsu and Mio: ROLFE'S A JERK! AIN'T GONNA WORK! ROLFE'S A JERK! AIN'T GONNA WORK! ROLFE'S A JERK! AIN'T GONNA WORK! ROLFE'S A JERK--
* Rei: And so's Hikari!
* (Ritsu and Mio stop marching and look at Rei as if words fail them. After a few seconds, they resume marching.)
* Ritsu and Mio: AIN'T GONNA WORK!
* Crusty (v/o): Yui and Mugi are also picketing...I think.
* (Cut to the exterior of a ShowBiz Pizza Place location in Kobe, Kansai, where Yui and Mugi seem to have just finished building something)
* Mugi: Is this how picketing works?
* (Cut to a wider shot, where it's revealed they have surrounded the building with a picket fence)
* Yui: I dunno, but that was fun! Aaaand I think we trapped everyone inside.
*Angry customer: KEEP US OUT OF YOUR INDUSTRIAL ACTION, YOU CLODHOPPERS!
*Mugi: Uh...oops?
* (Cut back to the news studio, where Chuck E. is talking to someone off-camera)
* Chuck E.: Can I get mustard on tha--oh, OH! Ahem. Next on the agenda--
* (Suddenly, Tim Johnson barges in)
* Tim: Right, that's enough!
* Chuck E.: Oh, uh, Mr. Johnson! 
* Crusty: We weren't expecting you here today...
* Tim: The next item on your agenda was something about a skeeball record! That's not news, that's irrelevant! Now, scurry along while I deliver REAL news! BOTH OF YOU!
* Chuck E.: Uh...okay. You are the boss, after all.
* (Chuck E. and Crusty exit screen left as Tim sits down at the news desk)
* Tim: Now that the little vermin and his kitty buddy are out, it's time for some REAL news, which will be done in the style of my review segments on Fireside Chat with Tim Johnson, Sunday nights at 11:00 p.m. on WBC! None of this fake news bull!
* (Tim pulls out a piece of paper and clears his throat. His delivery of the headlines is in the most flamboyant and smarmy way possible. A graphic appears with pizza slices and a pan, with the caption "Pizza = Gold?")
* Tim: Local idiot, Mr. Munch, has once again proven that the people of Planet Purple lost the evolutionary lottery! He has recently begun trying to pan for pizza in a river in California like a 49er would have panned for gold! This was his HORRENDOUS defense of his futile crusade:
* (Cut to Mr. Munch, in puppet form, in the Sierra Nevada)
* Mr. Munch: Pizza is like gold!
* (Cut back to Tim in the news studio)
* Tim: What Mr. Munch, IF THAT'S EVEN HIS REAL NAME, fails to recognize is that, as a high-ranking member of ShowBiz Pizza Time AND the keyboardist for Chuck E.'s Pizza Time Band, he has 24/7 access to all the pizza he wants! And somehow, he has a beautiful singing voice! NEXT!
* (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears showing Pasqually getting tomatoes thrown at him, with the caption "Milton Berle, he be not".)
* Tim: Failed comedian, Pasqually P. Pieplate, is just that: a failed comedian. 
* (Cut to Pasqually, who is on stage with the "Pasqually's Amateur Hour" backdrop)
* Pasqually: So, what do you call-a money paid for a pizza? (crickets chirp) Pizza dough-lars! Ah?
* (Cut to the crowd booing)
* Audience member #2: It's pizza DOUGH!
* (Cut back to Pasqually)
* Pasqually: (nervously) Um, um, I'll make-a up for it now! Um... what do you call the cream you put on your eye? (points offscreen) Yes-a, Bobby?
* Bobby (o/s): You ain't no comedian!
* Pasqually: Eyes-a cream!
* (The crowd continues booing and throws garbage at Pasqually, who exits the stage, trying to dodge the garbage)
* Tim (v/o): But what's even more priceless is how the audience reacted. Here are just a few of the guests insulting Pasqually's "act".
* (Cut to the audience members, all of whom are throwing garbage)
* Bobby: Get outta here, ya big wash-up!
* Audience member #2: YOU SUCK! You don't deserve to go on stage!
* Audience member #3: This club has ridiculously low standards!
* Audience member #4: Worst. Comedian. EVER!
* Audience member #5: Johnny Carson would roll in his grave!
* (Cut back to Tim in the news studio)
* Tim: You KNOW your act is horrible when recently-disgraced ventriloquist Rolfe DeWolfe can put together a more cohesive act than you! NEXT!
* (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears with Dook wearing a dunce cap, with the caption "Stupider than Munch?")
* Tim: Drummer for the Rock-afire Explosion, Dook LaRue, recently took an IQ test with a rock, a stick, and a sink. The latter three scored higher. And yet despite literally being dumber than a rock, Mr. LaRue somehow manages to have a voice of gold! 
* (Cut to Dook singing "Honeybee" by Steam Powered Giraffe from the Concept Division Premiere showtape, then to Dook singing "Heartaches" from the July 1980 showtape)
* Dook (v/o): Well, I don't know how that happened, but that seems to make up for my supposed lack of intelligence here.
* Fatz (v/o): Yeah, such as the time you somehow confused trailers for a movie you were seein'. Or the time you used a brake instead of a pedal when you were drivin'. And let's not forget when you tried to remodel your house by yourself.
*(Cut back to Tim in the news studio)
* Tim: I can't believe this: a stupid, pizza-obsessed monster-alien has a voice of gold, and now an even stupider, space-obsessed mutt has one too?! NEXT!
* (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears with a cross-eyed Nodoka and the caption "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire")
* Tim: Alleged genius, Nodoka Manabe, has come under scrutiny for apparently reading off a teleprompter during her history lesson on steampunk from the "Tribute to Steam Powered Giraffe" show at Japanese States locations a few months ago! Thus proving once and for all that she is NOT the genius she claims to be! Ms. Manabe could not be reached for comment. NEXT!
* (Tim throws the paper behind him and gets out a new one. A graphic appears showing Chevy Chase in a 1975 photo, with the caption "We love you, Chevy!")
* Tim: Last story, this just coming into our newsroom from Spain, the Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead. And that's the news for today! Tune in to CEC TV later when a panel of scientists debate whether pizza occurs naturally in nature. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go fire CEC TV's programming director for the aforementioned panel of scientists program.
* (Tim gets off his chair and walks out of the stage while throwing the last paper behind him, and the CEC TV News logo reappears as the stage goes dark)
* Zapp: This has been CEC TV News, with all the sensationalist bull you can handle!
=== Intermission 2 ===
* (An eight-minute countdown plays, accompanied by "TBA", then "TBA", and "TBA")
===Segment 2===
* (The SPT Feature Presentation intro plays)
* Billy Bob: Whew! Another day, another dollar.
* Looney Bird: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why we NEVER show CEC TV programming here at ShowBiz Pizza Place. It makes Fox News look competent!
* Billy Bob: Anyway, we have some good news. I got a call from Mr. Johnson, and he said that after some searchin', ShowBiz Japan has just hired a replacement for Rolfe. She's going to be Earl's new co-star. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Ui Hirasawa!
* (Stage Right's curtains open to reveal Ui, who's handling Earl. The design still uses that of the old Rolfe stage, the "Rolfe & Earl Show" banner has been removed, and there are boxes on Rolfe's stage)
*Ui: Ah, thank you! Thank you! Thank you all for your kind welcome. So as Looney Bird just said, I am Ui Hirasawa, younger sister of Yui Hirasawa. Though a certain guitar-playing bear disagrees. So, as you can see, Stage Right is a bit of a work-in-progress at the moment, the ultimate goal being to turn it into a replica of my bedroom back home. These boxes are full of Rolfe's stuff, which I intend to personally douse with gasoline and BURN FOR THE MENTAL AGONY HE HAS INFLICTED UPON MY SISTER AND FRIENDS!
* Earl: I like her already!
* Looney Bird: Yeah, at least she isn't Rolfe! That nimrod should know that he's the dummy himself! Say, why are you Rolfe's replacement?
* Ui: Well...I mean, I once did a ventriloquist thing at a Christmas party during Yui's freshman year. It was Ritsu's idea for us all to do little Christmas performances.
* (Cyberstar monitor plays the clip from the K-On! episode in question, "Christmas!")
* Looney Bird: So they hired you based on one small scene?
* Ui: (sighs) I'll be honest with you, Looney Bird: Tim thinks Yui needs more emotional support, especially with the recent incident, and DEFINITELY after this last election cycle. I mean, you should've been at our house on election night. She was screaming "ALL IS ASHES!" like she was Boober Fraggle. I think she even started unconsciously changing her voice to match Dave Goelz, you know, that, that weird in-built VoxMutatio the band's got going on? I've got it, too, so do Azusa, Jun, even Sumire has it. Anyway, Mio has Ritsu, and Mugi can take care of herself, so who would Yui have? Nodoka and Jun aren't around all the time, and none of us have heard from Azusa for a spell, which is...worrying, to say the least.
* Billy Bob: So, what now?
* Looney Bird: You mean we don't have a script?
*Billy Bob: Well, I mean, technically the Magic Night show is still supposed to be running right now, but we're a bit short-handed right now.
*Earl: Because of Rolfe!
*Billy Bob: Yes, Earl, we know.
*Earl: That racist, sexist PIG threw off our entire show schedule!
*Ui: Oh, lovely. My first time here, and there's no plan or coherency.
* Billy Bob: Gonna need to improvise here. Hmm...I got it! Let's patch Uncle Klunk through by speakerphone!
* Ui: Lucky for you, I happen to have an iPhone right here.
* (Ui pulls out her phone and dials the number. As the sultry-sounding woman is calling, porno-esque music plays)
* Woman on phone: Don't have a credit card? All you need to do is dial 1-869-420-7399, or 1-869-420-SEXY, and we'll connect you. You'll be talkin' with horny women and people who would like to be of--
* (Ui cancels the call, her eyes wide and her jaw dropped)
* Ui: ...WHAT THE *bleep* WAS THAT?!?!?!
* Billy Bob: Families are watchin', Ui. Don't swear. We're lucky Charlie saw that one coming. (brief chuckle) We apologize for the inconvenience. But we're still tryin' to make some jokes here at ShowBiz. Ui, I think now's your time to shine.
* Ui: But I haven't rehearsed yet! Fire-forged comedians usually fail! I'm gonna bomb harder than Pasqually!
*Earl: Hey, trust me, girl, nobody could outdo Pasqually in that department.
*Ui: Did you just call me "girl"?
*Earl: Yes, yes I did, please burn me right now!
* Billy Bob: Just think of something funny.
* Ui: I'm gonna regret this. (breath) Um, how is everyone doing today? I'm going to say you're doing great, because a special someone's got something to say. Tell 'em, Earl.
* Earl: Oh, um, so one time, when me and Rolfe went our separate ways for a few months in '95, I walked up to my '68 Camaro, which has some hydraulics, nitrous, and a modified cockpit to be operated properly by a puppet; I still drive it, by the way, and suddenly Rolfe comes crying back, promising he'll treat me better. I don't buy it, so I drive off to the Howard Johnson's across town. I buy myself some ice cream, and I find Rolfe next to me, ordering the same flavor I just bought, which is caramel fudge. Rolfe says to me, and I quote, "Willing to try what you buy, Earl", unquote. With the meanest look you'll ever see on his face. And you know what I did after that?
* Ui: What?
* Earl: I kicked him out through a glass window. Literally. I didn't even know I could do that, seeing as I'm a puppet who doesn't have use of anything below my neck. See? My body just flops around. But I did it. Left the guy in bandages for weeks. And would have remained solo had Rolfe not lost a lawsuit he filed against me in court once he recovered and stolen me back as revenge. Apparently, I'm legally considered "property", and not a Muppet because I'm effectively paralyzed from the neck down.
* Billy Bob: Not bad, but I think we can do more. Looney Bird, got any ideas?
* Looney Bird: I'll see what I can do.
* (Looney Bird goes back in his barrel, and sounds are heard)
* Looney Bird: Done! With this Anti-Gravity Freedom Machine...
* Earl: Ever hear of the internet?
* Looney Bird: You don't know the half of it, Earl. With this Anti-Gravity Freedom Machine that I hacked, I can use it to generate jokes.
* Ui: Anti-Gravity Freedom Machine? Isn't that that thing Mr. Fechter and the Johnsons released in the 80s that was huge but then became obsolete thanks to email?
* Looney Bird: Yes, don't remind me--HIM! D-d-don't remind him. Yeah, that's it, hehe, uh...now, let's find out.
* (A joke appears on a Cyberstar monitor)
* Billy Bob: "Want to know what kind of money you use in ShowBiz Pizza?" I don't get it, Looney Bird.
* Earl: Yeah, I don't get it either.
* Ui: I can tell this is gonna be a dad joke...
* Looney Bird: (sigh) I'll give you a hint. You spread sauce, sprinkle cheese, and add toppings on it.
* Billy Bob: Dough?
* Looney Bird: Correct.
* (The Cyberstar monitors display the word "BOO", prompting the audience to boo at the joke. Ui looks at the audience.)
* Ui: May your only son become the goalie on a nude hockey team.
* (She starts laughing after saying this.)
* Ui: Ah, we still miss ya, Johnny!
* Billy Bob: The best kind of jokes, Looney Bird, go naturally. Not generated by machines or anything. All the greats did their comedy this way. Not like some of our modern comedians. Anyway, I'll try to do one myself. (clears throat) Um, how's it going, everybody? Yeah, we had a little mishap back there but, uh, everything's in order now.
* Looney Bird: Are they really in order, Billy Bob? Our main entertainment is on strike, for crying out loud! Bashy Bug can only hold one's attention for so long! How are a bear, a bird, a puppet, and a weekend ventriloquist--
* Ui: Hey!
* Looney Bird: --gonna put on a coherent show?!
* Billy Bob: I mean, you did call Fatz, right?
* Looney Bird: I did, and he says the Japanese States locations are "too hot" right now for the Rock-afire Explosion to come over.
* Ui: Yeah, probably a good idea. No telling what Ritsu would do if Dook came as a scab.
*Looney Bird: She'd probably put him in a Ritsu costume, Freddy Fazbear style. I mean, seriously. Animatronics coming to life? Get outta here.
* Billy Bob: Anyway, we should probably play some of these old songs I did with the Rock-afire Explosion up on these monitors. Maybe make comments over them, kinda like in those first Studio C shows back in '98.
* Ui: Great idea. That way, we can continue thinking about what we should do. And I can steal ideas from Rolfe all I want, because he deserves to be plagiarized.
* Billy Bob: All right. Everyone, what you're about to watch are some old Cyberstar segments from the late 1980s. Roll the tape, Charlie!
* (The curtains close, and twenty minutes of Rock-afire Explosion songs are played. The first song played is "Share the Land" from the 1988 Neighbors tape. The silhouettes of Billy Bob, Looney Bird, Ui, and Earl sitting in theater seats are superimposed over the footage as in Mystery Science Theater 3000, in animated form)
*(Witty comments go here)
* (The song montage ends)
* Earl: So why did ShowBiz program these things anyway? Dook singing a song with Beach Bear's voice? Get outta here.
* Ui: Programming? What programming? Are you implying I'm a robot?!
* Earl: No no no no no no! I-I-I-I-I-I'm not implying anything!
* Ui: You're lucky you didn't say that in front of Rolfe.
* Billy Bob: Calm down, both of you.
* Ui: I AM CALM!
* Billy Bob: And now you're shouting!
* Ui: I'M NOT SHOUTING! *beat* ALRIGHT, I AM! I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOUTING, I'M SHOU--
* (An off-stage soccer horn goes off, and Ui stops shouting)
* Ui: ...thank you, Charlie, I needed that.
* Looney Bird: Billy Bob, I just got a call from Mr. Johnson. He's just arranged a Skype meeting with Chuck E.'s Pizza Time Band.
* Billy Bob: As long as we do something, Looney Bird, we're fine.
*Ui: So we're just gonna bring the other store in? Are we that strapped for ideas that we need to fall back on the dark side?
* (The Cyberstar monitors show a Skype-like interface, then Chuck E. and Crusty appear in puppet form, waving)
* Chuck E.: Hey, Billy Bob!
* Crusty: What's up?
*Ui: No one ever listens to me...
* Billy Bob: Hi, Chuck E. and Crusty! Got any ideas for our show?
* Chuck E.: Where's everyone else?
* Billy Bob: Well, as you previously reported, Ho-kago Tea Time is protesting Rolfe's comments, or in Ritsu's words, "his very existence", and the Rock-afire Explosion won't come over. In fact, it's just me, Looney Bird, Ui, and Earl--
* Crusty: You're anthropomorphizing a user interface now?
* Billy Bob: No, that's her name.
*Ui: Two letters. String 'em together, and you get Ui.
*Billy Bob: Anyway, she's Yui's younger sister...at least, I think she's younger, there's no discernible height difference. She has Earl because Yui needs emotional support. Well, more than she already has. Let me tell you, Helen's interview with Earl did NOT paint the full picture of the carnage that unfolded.
*Earl: My attorney recommended I NOT give the full details, otherwise I could go to Puppet Jail. I hear they keep Sam and Friends there, lucky Kermit...
* Chuck E.: She's Rolfe's replacement?
*Ui: Eeyup.
*Crusty: ...I swear, the Japanese stores are going native.
* (Crashing sounds are heard from offscreen)
* Tim Johnson (o/s): A PANEL DEBATE ABOUT PIZZA OCCURRING NATURALLY IN NATURE IS NOT! TELEVISION!!!!! YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!!!!!!
* (The sound of a flamethrower and screaming are heard)
* Billy Bob: ...dare I ask?
* Chuck E.: If you saw the most recent CEC News segment, you'd know... 
*Billy Bob: I was interviewed for that segment, remember? Of COURSE I saw it.
*Looney Bird: And to answer the question about Nodoka using a teleprompter, she, uh, threatened to pluck my feathers out one-by-one if I talked.
*Ui: Pull the other one, Looney Bird! I've known Nodoka as long as Yui has, and that sounds NOTHING like her!
*Looney Bird: I'm just repeating what she told me.
* Crusty: Anyway, I'm getting the others.
* (The rest of Chuck E.'s Pizza Time Band appear)
* Other band members: Hi, Billy Bob!
* Looney Bird: Hey, everyone. We need help with our show. The band's on strike.
* Helen: Don't we know it, Looney Bird. This kind of industrial action isn't good for us. 
* Jasper: Especially that store with a picket fence around it. I mean, nobody can get in or out!
*Earl: I heard that particular store was descending into tribalism. One tribe worships pizza like a god, and another makes decisions based on skeeball scores.
* Munch: Maybe we can do a contest with a bunch of different prizes? We REALLY need to get rid of all that cheap Chuck E. Cheese merchandise we pulled a few years back.
* Pasqually: Or a new song on my accordion?
*Earl: Accordion? You sound geekier than Rolfe right now!
* Harmony: Maybe a new country song?
*Ui: Hey, Harm, wanna know something interesting?
*Harmony: Uh, okay? What is it?
*Ui: COUNTRY STINKS.
*Harmony: WHAT?!
*Looney Bird: It only stinks because of talentless hacks like Billy Ray Cyrus and Blake Shelton. And that bro-country garbage. (shudders) Give Marty Robbins or Waylon Jennings a listen sometime!
*Harmony: That's better.
*Jasper: For future reference, Ui, Harmony's a pleasant feller, but I wouldn't cross her if I were you.
*Ui: I get the picture.
*Billy Bob: I got a better idea. How about we perform some of our best hits?
*(The entire band agrees)
*Chuck E.: That's a very great idea. And remember, people, before you get creeped out by how we look in our old footage, we ain't Freddy Fazbear's Pizza.
*Ui: ...what have I gotten myself into?
*Looney Bird: Welcome to the insane asylum. Can I take your order?
*Ui: Uh...I'll have two number 9s, a number 9 large, a number 6 with extra dip, a number 7, two number 45s, one with cheese, and a large soda.
*Earl: Now you're gettin' it!
*Ui: Am I, Earl? Am I? Or am I just repeating Nodoka's mistake in reading a teleprompter?
*Earl: Do you see a teleprompter anywhere?
*Ui: No.
*Earl: Then you're not reading a teleprompter. Paraphrasing a tired meme? Yes. Teleprompter or cue cards? No.
*Pasqually: At least you don't hear any booing. I still think-a my jokes are very, very funny!
*Looney Bird: Pasqually, why do you think that? Even folks without a sense of humor would consider you a wash-up.
*Earl: Yeah. And even if you wear a funny costume or even a funny hat, you're still a worse comedian than Rolfe. You make him look ultra-funny by comparison. 
*Pasqually: But...
*Looney Bird: The Match Game panelists would tar-and-feather you and then parade you around the backlot!
*Munch: Face it. You're a great accordionist and a world-class five-star pizza chef, but comedy isn't your forte.
*Crusty: Munch actually having a point? (Crusty pulls out an actual bingo card) Hmm, didn't have that on my bingo card.
*Ui: Do you actually carry a bingo card with you?
*Crusty: I need SOMETHING to do in between sets.
*Jasper: You know what, I'm just gonna say it: you make Amy Schumer look like Paul Lynde.
*Crusty: SHOTS FIRED!
*Munch: Who's Paul Lynde?
*Ui: Tumblr's not gonna like this...
*Helen: Don't worry, Pasqually. One of these days you'll end up in comedy movies.
*Crusty: Helen!
*Chuck E.: Let him dream, Crust. No need to make him sad.
*Harmony: At least Rob Schneider can actually look funny.
*Looney Bird: Shut up, all of you. Anyway, Ui, you aren't reading a teleprompter. There aren't any in the dining room.
*Ui: The things I do for Yui...
*Billy Bob: As I suggested, we oughta perform some of our old favorites. Not argue over someone's sense of humor.
*Chuck E.: That's right, Billy Bob. First on the docket: the Pizza Time Theatre Theme Song from the 1977 demo we made for Mr. Bushnell!
*Crusty: Sung by us, because all our backup singers are unavailable at the moment.
* (The music begins to play, and old footage from the Pizza Time Theatre era is shown on the Cyberstar monitors with the characters in front, dressed as they were in 1977)
* Helen: When you hear the "e" for a real good time?
* Jasper: Chuck E., Chuck E.
* Pasqually: Chuck E. out to shove the dough when he's done
* Crusty: He's always groovin'
*Munch: Get up now when he brings all the boogie and peace to love as you play all the games and just groove around
*Entire band: Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Time dinner! Chuck E. Cheese, Chuck E. Cheese, Pizza Time dinner! Come on over, come on over, come on over, come on over!
*(Helen does an electric guitar solo, and applause is heard)
*Billy Bob: Not bad, guys. But we can do better. Anything you got, Looney Bird?
*Looney Bird: We can do "Roast Beef Sandwich and a Pizza" from our first show.
*Billy Bob: Oh, yeah. From the location in Jacksonville, Florida back in 1980. Alright, Charlie, close all the other curtains and shut the monitors until the song's over. It's time to do our first skit! (clears throat, transitioning to his 1980 voice) How's this, Looney Bird?
*Looney Bird: Perfect, Billy Bob.
*(The original 1980 recording of "Roast Beef Sandwich and a Pizza" plays, complete with the original intro)
*Billy Bob: Wow, I forgot they had me speaking broken English back then.
*Looney Bird: Yeah, and I remember that was before I went to AA and became an inventor. So, anyone else wanna take a crack at it?
*Jasper: I got another one: how about we show our first performance of "Footloose"?
*(The rest of the band nods in agreement)
*Crusty: From the Concept Unification Premiere, right?
*Jasper: Oh, yes.
*Earl: *hisses*
*Jasper: Uh, what was that?
*Looney Bird: Earl does that whenever someone brings up that dark time.
*Chuck E.: Note to self: watch out for Earl. Alright, Larry! Roll the footage!
*Larry: You got it, boss!
*Ui: I thought Charlie was our tech guy?
*(The Cyberstar monitors show "Footloose" from the Concept Unification Premiere showtape)
*Ui: Well, that was a lovely look back at what like I to call "Rock-afire Armageddon". Now how about a recent Ho-kago Tea Time performance, to give all three bands representation?
*Billy Bob: Which one?
*Ui: "Honeybee" by Steam Powered Giraffe. That song's polling pretty well for the New Year's Eve show coming up.
*Looney Bird: New Year's Eve show?
*Ui: Yeah, the New Year's Eve show. There's a poll up right now on MySpace for voting on the top five best songs of this year. So far, it's all songs from Tribute to Steam Powered Giraffe and Magic Night.
*Looney Bird: Probably because those are the only two themed shows we've done this year. Everything else has just been us regurgitating old early-1980s Rock-afire shows with little to no changes. And that incoherent summer show.
*Ui: Yeah, Yui was complaining to me about that a few months ago. But I digress. Roll film!
*(The Cyberstar monitors show "Honeybee" from the Tribute to Steam Powered Giraffe showtape)
*Billy Bob: Well, I'd just like to thank you guys for helping us do this show, what with one of our own getting fired and the rest going on strike. See ya later!
*All of CEPTB: Bye! (or ad-lib)
*(The Cyberstar monitors revert to the ShowBiz Pizza Place logo)
* Billy Bob: Well, folks, we're nearing the end of this show.
*Looney Bird: You mean a ghastly mistake?
*Earl: Eh, something like that. Hey, anyone know how we're gonna fill in the rest of the time? 
*Ui: I'll check.
*(Ui takes out a phone and calls Tim Johnson)
*Ui: Hello?
*Tim (o/s): WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?!?!
*Ui: Uh...hi, Mr. Johnson.
*Tim (o/s): Oh, Ui, it's just you. Sorry, I'm a bit on edge after having to deal with the gross incompetence of the staff at CEC TV. I just had to cancel a program about high scores at random ShowBiz locations in Canada. Oh, and before you ask, the guy I, uh, "fired", with a flamethrower, I didn't actually burn him, he's fine.
*Ui: Yeah, I figured it was a trainwreck over there. Anyway, we just did a few songs, and, uh, now we need some filler to, uh, close out the show.
*Tim (o/s): Just, uh, fill the rest of the time by reading fan mail. And make sure they've been pre-screened, we got an angry email last week about a letter asking if Fatz votes Republican.
*Ui: Okay, thanks. (Ui hangs up) Looney, got any fan mail?
*Looney Bird: I always have mail. Just give me one sec...
*(Some crashing sounds are heard)
*Ui: I swear, his barrel is like the TARDIS. Or Oscar's garbage can. Or the house from Blue's Clues.
* Looney Bird: Alright. I got some bags ready, so here we go. (clears throat) This letter comes to us from nine-year-old Kammi Aoki of Sapporo. She writes, "Dear Looney Bird, how are you? I got a question to ask you: What inventions are you working on? I would love to see them! Love, Kammi". Aw, thanks, Kammi. Aside from that computer language I've been working on for so long now, I'm also making a fuel that can do a lot of things, from cutting through steel to cooking juicy burgers...
*Ui: Isn't Mr. Fechter making that fuel already? What is it called, Hydraulim or something?
*Billy Bob: Hydrillium.
*Ui: Hydrillium, got it.
*Looney Bird: All right, you got me. He's releasing it next year. Anyway, I'll get the next letter.
*(More crashing sounds are heard, with a cat screeching)
*Ui: No seriously, how big is his barrel?
*Billy Bob: He's got a full-size lab and also has an Olympic-sized pool in there.
*Ui: I reiterate: house from Blue's Clues.
*Billy Bob: All I know is that Looney sure knows how to fit so many stories and people in that barrel.
*(Looney Bird pops out of the barrel again)
*Looney Bird: Whew! Now that one of my trusted employees found it, our next letter comes from a guy named Anthony James of Springfield, Connecticut. He writes, "Dear Looney Bird, you are one of the best. What's it like in that barrel? Anthony". Well, Anthony, as Billy Bob said before, my barrel is way, way bigger on the inside. Lots of people are working in there in a bid to change the world, myself included. The living space in my barrel is one of the many, many, many rooms in there. And yes, the place is handicap-accessible. By the way, the name of my company is LooneyCo of Orlando, Florida. My phone number is 1-800-789-5666, or 1-800-789-LOON.
*Ui: Wait, wait, wait, so your barrel leads to that cracked-out hot mess they call Florida?
*Looney Bird: Pretty much.
*Ui: I take that back. This isn't like the house from Blue's Clues at all. This is like a portal to another place.
*Looney Bird: That's because it is. I installed it in the mid-1980s after Billy Bob made less and less Gasahol once the energy crisis was over. Come on, try it out.
*Ui: I, uh...
*Looney Bird: Come on!
*Ui: Ah, hell, I'll try anything once...
*Billy Bob: No cursing, Ui, we got families watching.
*Earl: Since when is "hell" a curse word?
*Billy Bob: I...okay, fair point.
* (The Stage Left and Stage Right curtains close. After a few seconds, the Stage Left curtain reopens, with a lid placed on the barrel to hide Looney Bird's plume during that time. Just then, Ui and Looney Bird are seen taking a tour in LooneyCo.)
* Billy Bob: Looney Bird?
* Looney Bird: I'm taking Ui on a tour in LooneyCo right now.
* Ui: How did you do all this?
* Looney Bird: I created some programs and made big money from them. I got into chemicals and made money off those too. Then I got more people and expanded the place.
*Ui: TH-TH-TH-TH-THIS IS INSANE! YOU'VE CONSTRUCTED WHAT IS EFFECTIVELY A SELF-SUFFICIENT COUNTRY WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING IT! HOW DO YOU KEEP THE US GOVERNMENT FROM DISCOVERING THIS?!
*Looney Bird: (points offscreen) I've got some good help.
*(Ui does a wild take)
*Ui: JESUS CHRIST, THAT'S JASON BOURNE. AND JOHN WICK. AND JACK RYAN. AND...Ruby Rose from RWBY? What the hell?!
*Ruby: What am I doing here?!
*Looney Bird: I needed someone to fix the gender imbalance in my security force, and you fit the bill.
*Ui: Dare. I. Ask?
*Looney Bird: I also have access to other dimensions.
*Ui: ...you...are...insane.
*(Chocodile suddenly appears, walking across the screen with a cup of hot chocolate)
*Chocodile: Don't mind me, just here for the free hot chocolate.
*(Ui faints Muppet-style, causing the camera to shake, and the Cyberstar monitors display color bars as Looney Bird reappears in the barrel)
* Looney Bird: Sorry about that. Ui's fine. Now here's our last letter from Alexis Lee from Texas. She writes, "Dear Looney Bird. Hi. How are you? I'm fine. I just wanted to write to you because you are sweet. Love, Alexis". (chokes up) Never knew a kid could write something so touching.
* Billy Bob: (chuckles) Well, I guess that's all the time we have for today. As we said, Ui will appear in all our shows from now on. Join us next time at ShowBiz Pizza Place when Ui has a new design for her stage, and Azusa makes her debut here at ShowBiz. We'll see you next time!
* Earl (o/s): What just happened?
* Billy Bob (o/s): It's a long story.
* (The Cyberstar monitors fade to the ShowBiz Pizza logo, and Billy Bob and Looney Bird perform "Baseball" from Gee, Our 1st Album)
=== Riffing segment ===
==Trivia==
* Much of the "What Now?" skit was Aaron Fechter and Xanthe Huynh improvising their lines; they did so via phone patch in Florida and California, respectively. Chloe Johnson also ad-libbed the sex hotline dialogue, and her number was the one Huynh called, which was planned.
* At 47 minutes, this is one of the longest ShowBiz Pizza Time showtapes after the New Year's Eve 1988 showtape (which was nearly 54 minutes long).
* The scene in which Munch pans for pizza was filmed on location at the South Platte River in Denver, Colorado.
* Chuck E.'s line "Can I get mustard on that?" before continuing his report is a reference to the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "MuscleBob BuffPants".
* Ritsu's rallying chant of "Rolfe's a jerk! Ain't gonna work!" comes from the Ed Edd n Eddy episode "Will Work For Ed". Rei's interjection of "And so's Hikari!" came from Jonny 2x4 in the original episode, in which he said "We hate broccoli!"
* Uncle Klunk's old phone number going to a sex hotline is a reference to the fact that the phone number given in the NES adaptation of Who Framed Roger Rabbit (which originally played a pre-recorded message of Jessica Rabbit giving tips for the game) now redirects to a sex hotline.
* Earl's line "Yes, yes I did" is a reference to Phineas and Ferb.
* Ui's "insult" to the audience of "May your only son become the goalie on a nude hockey team" is a reference to the recurring Carnac the Magnificent sketch on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson. "We still miss ya, Johnny!" directly references Carson.
* Ren & Stimpy creator John Kricfalusi makes a voice cameo as an audience member being interviewed, criticizing Pasqually's act.
* Ui's order is a reference to Big Smoke's memetic order in the Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas mission "Drive-Thru".
==Gallery==
===Characters===
File:On Strike CEC TV Earl interview.png|Earl being interviewed by Helen Henny.
===News graphics===
File:Strike news graphic.png|"STRIKE!"
File:On Strike Pizza Gold.png|"Pizza = GOLD?"
File:On Strike Pasqually.png|"Milton Berle, he be not."
File:On Strike Dook.png|"Stupider than MUNCH?"
File:On Strike Nodoka.png|"Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire."
File:On Strike Chevy.png|"We love you, Chevy!"
===Screens===
File:CECskyp4.png|Skype screen for Chuck E.'s Pizza Time Band
Category:Johnsonverse
Category:ShowBiz Pizza Time showtapes