Episode 107: Sandra Bullock/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Clifford hangs up a receiver. Andy and Randy walk by.
Randy 	So he told me, "Ice cubes are just made of water."
Andy 	Really?
Clifford 	Yo, yo, yo, yo, Andy, Randy, yo, yo —
Andy & Randy	(nodding) Yo yo yo yo …
Clifford 	Listen, listen, I got a job for you two.
Andy & Randy	Ooh!
Clifford 	How would you like to work the telephones? It'll be fun.
Andy 	What's a telephone?
Randy 	What's fun?
 	A beat.
Clifford 	It's simple. Just go behind the desk, okay?
Randy 	Simple. Okay, here we go.
Andy 	Simple. Thanks!
Clifford 	Go, go. Now, all you have to do is pick up the phone and say "hello".
 	They pick up the phones off the desk.
Andy 	Hello.
Clifford 	No, not the whole phone! Pick up the receiver! The — the little thing with the curly wire!
Andy & Randy	(look at each other) This job's too hard! (set the phones down)
Clifford 	No, the part on top!
Andy 	Oh. Ahem.
 	They pick up their receivers.
Andy & Randy	Hello?
Clifford 	No, no, put it down, put it down! Wait until it rings!
Andy 	Oh, oh.
 	They put the receivers down. One of the phones rings.
Clifford 	Now, pick it up.
 	They pick up the receivers and do nothing.
Clifford 	And say hello into the phone!
Andy & Randy	(into receivers) Hello into the phone!
Andy 	What? The winner of what? Fourteen million dollars?
Randy 	Ooh!
Andy 	Well, no thank you. We cannot count that high.
 	They hang up.
Clifford 	Man, you pigs are stupid! I can't believe you just turned down fourteen million dollars!
Andy 	Oh, we didn't. It was for you.
 	Clifford quivers in frustration.
Andy & Randy	Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo …
==Theme==
 	Kermit opens the doors to the Muppet Theater.
Kermit	It's Muppets Tonight, with our very special guest star, Sandra Bullock! YAAAYY!
 	He is immediately trampled by theater patrons. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==While You Were Slapping==
 	Open on the house band. Clifford comes onstage to applause.
A. Ligator 	And now, here's the host of our show, C'lifford!
Clifford 	Yeah. Yeah! Thank you, thank you. Before we get started, I'd like to get something off my chest.
 	He opens his coat. A butterfly flies out of it. Mr. Poodlepants catches it in a net.
Mr. Poodlepants 	Ooh! A yellow belly flutter baby! What a delightful addition to my collection! (laughs)
 	He is caught in a bigger net.
Doglion 	Ooh! Ooh, a cauliflower-topped chucklehead! What a delightful addition to my collection! (laughs) Come on.
 	They exit laughing.
Clifford 	(laughs) Any hue, our guest tonight is talented, beautiful, and she drives a mean bus. I'm talking about none other than, Miss Sandra Bullock!
 	She comes out to applause and a fanfare.
Clifford 	Give it up! Give it up! Hey, lady.
Sandra 	(shakes his hand) Thank you, Clifford. It's a real thrill to be here, but I have to admit, it's a … (continues shaking) … little overwhelming being on live television and everything …
Clifford 	A big movie star like you? Well, what do you have to be nervous about?
Sandra 	(continues shaking) It's just that I'm a little afraid, you know, when people see me on this show, they're not gonna like me …
Clifford 	Uh, Sandra …
Sandra 	(continues shaking) … and then they're gonna do that channel surfing thing, and the ratings are gonna go down, and then …
Clifford 	Hello?
Sandra 	(continues shaking) … you know, you're gonna be disappointed in me and not ask me back, ever, and … (hyperventilates)
Clifford 	Man, you are nervous, aren't you?
Sandra 	A little, maybe. (chuckles, lets go of his hand) You know what, maybe, why don't we, why don't we, why don't we just show a clip from my new film?
Clifford 	Yeah! Okay, good.
Sandra 	Okay.
Clifford 	Why don't you tell us about it?
Sandra 	Okay, it's a — it's a follow-up to my film While You're Sleeping. It's called While You're Slapping. I really hope you like it.
 	The monitor is lowered.
Clifford 	Oh, of course we will. Let's roll it, shall we?
 	Applause.
Sandra 	Okay.
Clifford 	(notices his long arm) Oh, man, look at my arm! (runs offstage)
 	The clip is played on the monitor. Bill is in a hospital bed with his family by his side.
Bill's dad 	There there, dear. He'll be okay.
Sandra 	How is Bill? Is he still in a coma? (sits down)
Bill's dad 	Hey, you can't be in here. This is for family only. (slaps her)
Sandra 	Hey, you can't slap me. I saved Bill's life. And besides, I'm his fiancee. (slaps him back)
Bill's mom 	You can't marry Bill. you're not like him. Bubbles come out of his head. (slaps her)
Sandra 	They do, and— and— and that's what I love about him. (slaps her back)
Bill's grandma 	Bubbles come out of all of our heads. (slaps her)
Sandra 	(tearing up) I know, and that's what I love about all of you guys! (slaps all four of them)
Bill's sister 	Do bubbles come out of your head?
Sandra 	No, but I'm willing to convert.
Sister & grandma	What??
 	All four of them slap Sandra.
==The Bomber==
 	Clifford and Bobo watch the show from backstage and laugh.
Clifford 	Man, that Sandra Bullock is cute, isn't she?
Bobo 	Well, I dunno, she's not my type. Not enough fat on her, y'know? Yeah. She'd never make it through the winter, that's for sure. (laughs)
Clifford 	Anyway, Bobo, I really appreciate you taking over the switchboard, man. Those pigs were driving me nuts.
Bobo 	Oh, incorrigible little fellas, aren't they?
Clifford 	Mmm.
Bobo 	Well, don't you worry, chief. Ooh, nice chair. (sits) Aahhh. Yep. Answering the phones is — easy as — falling off a log. (falls off the chair)
Clifford 	Are you alright?
Bobo 	Yeah, I'm okay. (gets up) I just — oh.
 	The phone rings.
Bobo 	Heh - bit ironic, don't you think? There, there I was talking about falling off a log, and then — and then I —
Clifford 	Just get the phone, Bobo.
Bobo 	Okay. (answers it)
Clifford 	Later.
Bobo 	Take care. Muppets Tonight. How can I help you?
Bomber (JN)	Alright, man, listen and listen good.
Bobo 	Okay.
Bomber (JN)	There's a bomb in your studio.
Bobo 	Oh, I know. I read this week's script too. (laughs) Have a good day, sir! (hangs up)
Bomber (JN)	Hey! (redials)
Bobo 	(using a battery-fan) Oh, that's nice. (answers phone)
Bomber (JN)	Don't hang up again!
Bobo 	Okay, whatever you say, sir.
Bomber (JN)	Now listen to me, and listen carefully.
Bobo 	Okay.
Bomber (JN)	I have something very important to tell you.
Bobo 	Oh, uh, uh, should I write this down?
Bomber (JN)	Yes! It's important!
Bobo 	Okay, um, well, uh, I'm gonna need to put you on hold, sir. Uh, I need to find a pencil.
Bomber (JN)	Hey, no —
 	Bobo puts him on hold. "The Rainbow Connection" plays.
Bomber (JN)	(groans)
==The Psychiatrist's Office==
 	Clifford onstage.
Clifford	And now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to take you to a psychiatrist's office, in a sketch we call … "The Psychiatrist's Office". Man, who wrote this stuff?
 	Switch to the psychiatrist's office. Dr. Bullock hears a knock on the door.
Sandra 	Uh, please come in — Mr. Frog.
 	Kermit enters.
Sandra 	That'll be a hundred dollars.
Kermit 	But I haven't said anything yet.
Sandra 	Yes you did. Just now.
Kermit 	Okay, well, um, I'll pay on the way out.
Sandra 	Then it'll be $150. Please, have a seat.
Kermit 	Oh. Ahem. Uh, here?
Sandra 	Yes.
 	They both sit.
Kermit 	Ahem.
Sandra 	So what seems to be the problem?
Kermit 	Well, doctor, I see these strange creatures every time I say the word, um, "phenomena".
 	Cue the music and the Snowths.
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo do-do-do!
Kermit 	"Phenomena".
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo-doot do!
Kermit 	"Phenomena".
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do doot doot doo-doot do!
Sandra 	It's the strangest thing I've ever seen. Do you mind if I try it?
Kermit 	Uh, sure.
Sandra 	Ahem. "Phenomena".
 	Cue the music and the Snowths.
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo do-do-do!
Sandra 	"Phenomena".
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo-doot do!
Sandra 	"Phenomena".
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do doot doot doo-doot do!
 	She takes off her glasses, gets up and scats the word while letting her hair down and dancing. The Snowths stare at her. She sits back down and puts her glasses back on while finishing the song.
Sandra 	"Phenomena".
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo do-do-do!
Sandra 	"Phenomena".
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo-doot do!
Sandra 	"Phenomena".
Snowths 	♪ Doot doo do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do doot doot doo-doot do!
Kermit 	Boy. You sure are crazy.
Sandra 	I know. You should see what happens when I say "♪ Shave and a haircut" —
 	Doglion appears in a tutu on her desk.
Doglion 	♪ Two bits.
Kermit 	Wow, that was worth the hundred bucks.
Sandra 	$150.
Kermit 	(whimpers)
==The Bomber cont'd==
 	Bobo is on the phone with the bomber.
Bomber (JN)	What do you have so far? Read it back to me.
Bobo 	Oh, uh, uh, "Listen to me and listen carefully, man" …
Bomber (JN)	… That's it? I've been talking for five minutes here!
Bobo 	I'm not very good at writing! I'm a bear! If you want roots dug up, I'm your bear. But writing is not what I do.
Bomber (JN)	(taps phone) Listen, is there anyone else there I can talk to?
Bobo 	Well, I — oh, oh, wait, here comes the host of Muppets Tonight, C'lifford. (hands it to Clifford) Here you go.
Clifford 	Yeah? What's up, what's up? Muppets Tonight. Can I help you?
Bomber (JN)	Listen to me and listen carefully, man …
Clifford 	Uh-huh.
Bomber (JN)	… if your ratings fall below 50, a bomb's gonna go off in your studio!
Clifford 	… Are you from the network?
Bomber (JN)	No, I'm serious! Now, keep your ratings above 50 or else, man! (laughs)
Clifford 	50? We can't keep our ratings that high!
Bomber (JN)	(laughs) Well, that's your problem! Yeah, now put me back on hold. I wanna learn the rest of that song.
Clifford 	(hands it to Bobo) Yeah, put him on hold.
Rizzo 	Whoa — chief? Hey, what's up, chief?
Clifford 	Oh, this is bad, bad. They're gonna blow up the studio if our ratings drop below 50.
Rizzo 	(gasp) Oh no. Oh no, this — this is the end. (gasp) My whole life is passing before my eyes! Oh! The sewers of Delancey Street! Alligators everywhere! "MA! SAVE YOURSELF!!"
Clifford 	(punches Rizzo) Snap out of it.
Rizzo 	I'm alright. It's just that my agent's watching. I wanted to give him a little taste of what I can do.
Clifford 	Oh, come on, man, we got a crisis!
Rizzo 	Okay! Okay!
 	They run off together. Meanwhile Bobo continues using the battery-fan, accidentally touching the blade multiple times.
Bobo 	Oh, it's gonna be a hot one. AY! OOH! OW!
 	He eats the fan.
==The Tubmans of Porksmith==
 	Open on Howard finishing dinner at the table.
A. Ligator 	And now, the continuing saga of America's oldest and fattest family, The Tubmans of Porksmith.
Howard 	(burps) Back up. Ooh.
Carter 	(serves him a plate of wings) There you are, sir.
Howard 	Oh, my aching gut.
Carter 	Oh my — oh my. You ate the whole buffalo? You were supposed to save some for Washington's birthday!
Howard 	Oh, that Washington can get his own buffalo. I was hungry! (gets up and walks) Oh, Carter, you're right, though, you're right.
Carter 	Yes, sir?
Howard 	I've got to stop eating so much.
Carter 	Well, sir, I've taken the liberty of — of having Dr. Tremblay come over to hypnotize you so you can control your appetite.
Howard 	Oh, terrific.
Dr. Tremblay	Mr. Tubman, are you ready to be hypnotized?
Carter 	Yes, Tremblay, let's get right to it. If you can get me down to a trim 250 pounds, I'll be forever indebted to you. (burps) Heck, if you can get my right cheek down to 250 I'll be happy.
Dr. Tremblay	Alright. Now. (holds up a feather) You are getting sleepy.
Howard 	(in a trance) I am getting hungrier.
Dr. Tremblay	No — you are getting sleepier.
Howard 	Yes, I know, but I love a snack right before I go to bed.
Dr. Tremblay	(fumes) Poof! You're asleep!
Howard 	(burps, passes out)
Dr. Tremblay	Now, inside every fat person, is a thin person, struggling to get out.
Howard 	(burps)
Dr. Tremblay	Now, let us call forth that slim, trim Howard …
Howard 	Howard …
Dr. Tremblay	… who lives inside of you.
Howard 	Yeah.
Dr. Tremblay	Come out. Come out, I say!
 	A hula dancer appears and starts doing the hula.
Dr. Tremblay	Who are you?
Hula girl 	I'm the opening act.
Dr. Tremblay	Get back in there!
 	She gets back in. Howard burps.
Dr. Tremblay	Where were we? Ah, yes. Thin Howard! We want the thin Howard!
Howard 	Thin Howard.
Dr. Tremblay	Come out, thin Howard!
 	Howard burps. A skinnier version of him appears.
Dr. Tremblay	Mr. Tubman! Wake up.
Howard 	(burps, wakes up) … Who are you?
Thin Howard 	I'm the thin Howard who lives inside of you. And boy, am I hungry.
Howard 	Me too! Let's eat. (laughs) Terrific.
 	They sit down and chow down. Dr. Tremblay looks flabbergasted.
Dr. Tremblay	Wha — but — (stammers) — oh, I give up! This is terrible!
Howard 	Could you pass the butter? Oh — how are those apples? Good?
Dr. Tremblay	(sniffs) Mmm, hot buttered yams, my favorite.
==Backstage==
 	Clifford, Rizzo and Nigel look closely at the ratings meter, which teeters at 50.
Clifford 	Oh! Oh, man, Riz, what are we gonna do? How are we gonna keep the ratings above 50?
Rizzo 	Well — well, the first thing you gotta do is you gotta get rid of this act.
 	He leads Clifford to a monitor. Onstage, two flat-faced characters bang against anvils as "The Anvil Chorus" plays.
Clifford 	Awww, man!
Rizzo 	Oh brother.
 	Sandra enters with a basket.
Sandra 	Hey, Clifford?
Clifford 	Yeah?
Sandra 	Um, I dunno what you consider a muffin basket, but if I were the producers, I'd give the guest star a basket with more than just one muffin.
Rizzo 	Oh, sure. But then it would be a muffins basket.
Clifford 	Oh, sorry, Sandra, no time to talk. We've got a mad bomber on our hands!
Sandra 	Don't tell me — if the ratings dip below 50, something's gonna blow up the building.
Clifford 	Hey, how'd you know that?
Sandra 	Because it's a plot to one of the movies that I did, Speed. Didn't anybody see it?
Muppets 	No.
Rizzo 	But obviously the writers did.
Sandra 	Oh, then that explains it.
 	She puts down the basket and thinks out loud as suspenseful drum music plays.
Sandra 	Okay. Alright, listen. This is what we're gonna do. Let me think a minute — okay. (claps) Get me Keanu Reeves.
Clifford 	He's booked.
Sandra 	(snaps fingers) Too bad, he's a good kisser. Okay — Rizzo, call the bomb squad.
Rizzo 	Hey bomb squad!
Sandra 	Use the phone.
Rizzo 	Oh, oh, yeah, right.
Sandra 	(points to Bunsen and Beaker) You two! I want you to get me a list of any whacko or freak that's been in the building for the past two days.
Dr. Bunsen	That's everybody!
Beaker 	(meeps)
Sandra 	Then never mind. Okay!
Clifford 	What? What?
Sandra 	(to Andy and Randy) You two, I want you to find out where that call came from, then I want you to trace that call.
Andy 	Okay, thank you. Randy, go get some tracing paper.
Randy 	Okay. — What's paper?
Sandra 	Just do it.
Andy 	Right, yes ma'am. (they run off)
Sandra 	And you — please, stop that infernal drumming!
Animal 	(stops drumming) Sorry.
Sandra 	That's alright.
Nigel 	Sandra, the ratings are almost at 50!
Sandra 	Omigosh, omigosh, what's — what's on the air right now?
Nigel 	Uh, Wall Street Wanderings with Ernest Pleth!
 	They see the show on a monitor. Ernest sits in front of a balance sheet backdrop.
Ernest 	I'm wondering, if the prospects for the economic growth will be debilitated by the inflationary matrix …
Clifford 	Oh — oh — AWW! Man, Ernest is killin' us!
Sandra 	Clifford, we need the biggest ratings grabber you've got.
Clifford 	Well, there's one thing everybody's been wanting to see more of.
Sandra 	Then put it on!
Ernest 	Due to the economic indicators, I've also been won … dering …
 	Go-go music starts playing and colored spotlights flood the stage. Spamela Hamderson comes out in a bikini and starts dancing.
Ernest 	… who that extremely attractive young woman is!
Spamela 	Hi! Do you like to boogie?
Ernest 	Yes, I do!
 	He starts dancing with her.
Rizzo 	(dances) Oh man, this is g-reat!
Clifford 	Yeah! The ratings are way above 50!
Rizzo 	Oh yeah, the ratings. They're good too. (laughs) — OW!
 	Sandra flicks Rizzo on the ear.
==Lobby==
 	Bobo sits at the phones, asleep while a phone rings. Andy and Randy encounter the phone outlet on the wall.
Andy 	Ooh, Randy, look! We should start here.
Randy 	Ooh!
 	They start pulling the phone wire out of the wall. Bobo wakes up.
Bobo 	Ohohohohoh — hold it up, there, fellas. What do you think you're doing?
Randy 	Well — Sandra Buttocks told us to trace a phone call.
Bobo 	You mean to tell me — you're gonna trace the call, by pulling every wire out of every wall in this five-story building?
Andy 	Yeah.
Randy 	Yeah.
Bobo 	Works for me.
 	He goes back to sleep. Andy and Randy start pulling the wire out.
Randy 	Okay…
Andy & Randy	(grunting)
==Backstage==
 	Sandra, Clifford and Rizzo watch the monitor.
Sandra 	Uh-oh. Spamela's getting tired.
Clifford 	Yeah, but Ernest is going strong.
Rizzo 	(laughs)
 	Ernest dances wildly with his shirt off.
Ernest 	Oh, sock it to me, mama!
Spamela 	(moans)
 	The ratings needle gets closer to 50.
Clifford 	Don't go there. Don't go there.
Rizzo 	No no no no no no …
Clifford 	Aw, this is bad. Bad! The ratings are starting to dip. Dip!
Sandra 	Don't worry, Clifford, I'm gonna go find us some more acts. Acts! (exits)
Clifford 	Is she making fun of me? Me?
Gonzo 	Clifford! Why don't we run this episode of Muppet Babies?
Zippety Zap	Hey, I've got an episode of Seinfeld!
 	Gonzo and Zippety bump into each other, breaking and unraveling their tapes.
Clifford 	Ooh, that doesn't look good.
Zippety Zap	Oh, man.
Gonzo 	Oh no, you've got your Seinfeld all over my Muppet Babies!
Zippety Zap	Well, you've got your Muppet Babies all over my Seinfeld!
Gonzo 	Oh! Hey, wait a minute! Why don't we run 'em together and see what we've got?
 	Pause. Clifford gives him a blank stare.
Gonzo 	Well, it worked with peanut butter and chocolate.
==Seinfeld Babies==
 	Open on the babies in a crib.
Theme 	
♪ Seinfeld Babies, they make your angst come true.
♪ Seinfeld (Seinfeld) Babies!
Baby Jerry 	You know, I don't understand the concept of changing. Why do they call it changing? My parents say they're gonna change me, but then after they do, I'm exactly the same!
Baby George	Hey uh, Jerry, Elaine, uh — am I going bald? Because I think I am.
Baby Kramer	Uh — Baby Jerry, can I borrow some spare formula?
Baby Jerry 	Help yourself.
Baby Kramer	Giddy! Oh — George, little buddy, you look like you're going bald.
Baby George	D'ohhhhh, I knew it!
 	Kramer quivers away. Switch to the nursing home.
Statler 	Hmm. You know, this show really improves with age.
Waldorf 	Why? Because the jokes get better?
Statler 	No, because my hearing gets worse!
 	They chuckle. Switch back to the show.
Baby Jerry 	Okay, so that's it. The one who can go the longest without a diaper change wins the contest.
Baby Kramer	(grunts) — I'm out. Gahh —
 	They all cry. The theme resumes. Meanwhile, Clifford and Gonzo notice the ratings climb.
Clifford 	Oh! Well, the ratings are looking steady.
Rizzo 	(holding his nose) Yeah, but the sketch is getting kinda ripe.
Gonzo 	Oh, don't worry, I've got an act all ready to go.
Clifford 	Well, get 'em out there, man!
Gonzo 	Yes! (runs onstage)
==Sid Knishes==
 	Main stage. Gonzo enters.
Gonzo 	And now, music lovers, all the way from London's East End, Sid Knishes and his Mosh Pit-tatoes!
 	Gonzo is trampled by punk potatoes as Sid takes the stage.
Sid Knishes	Right! This one goes out to me ol' pal, Johnny au Gratin! Two three four —
 	Sid sings an up-tempo, unintelligible punk song as the potatoes mosh around. Nigel and the others headbang backstage.
Clifford 	Man, these spuds are slammin'!
Rizzo 	Sid Knishes rules!! (laughs)
Clifford 	Yeah! (kicks Rizzo)
Gonzo 	(notices the monitor) Oh, no! Something's happened to my taters!
Clifford 	Aw, man! They're mashed!
 	As the tempo slows, the crowd of potatoes has turned into a sea of mash. Sid jumps into the sea and crowd-surfs.
Sid Knishes	Oh yeah! Oh yeah! … Oh yeah! Mash! Mash! Oh! Oh!
Rizzo 	Oh, no, no, Clifford, the ratings are dropping fast!
Clifford 	Oh no! Rizzo, Rizzo —
Rizzo 	Yeah yeah yeah?
Clifford 	Here's what I want you to do.
Rizzo 	Okay!
Clifford 	First get somebody on stage.
Rizzo 	On stage, yeah.
Clifford 	Okay, second, second, we need Sandra downstairs right away.
Rizzo 	Right away, right away, right away.
Clifford 	And third — third? Get me a heap, a bowlful of those creamy-looking dudes over by the bass player. You see the ones I'm talking about?
Nigel 	(to weasel) Cue Gonzo! CUE CUE CUE CUE CUE!
==More acts==
 	Main stage. Gonzo enters.
Gonzo 	Okay, polka-lovers! Here's Frankie Yakovic and his Polka Dots!
Frankie	Thank you, thank you, Gonzo!
 	Frankie takes the stage, playing the accordion as some colored dots dance around him.
Frankie	Now that's what I call a-dancing!
 	A giant cane yanks him offstage. Gonzo, Rizzo, Johnny and Sal watch from the wings.
Rizzo 	(panicking) Next! Oh, next!
Johnny 	Oh, that would be me.
Sal 	Go, Johnny, Go!
Rizzo 	Go go go go go go!
Johnny 	Oh, okay —
 	Johnny takes the stage as the backdrop changes to one of NYC.
Johnny 	Ha ha! Two three four!
 	He sings a bar of "Mack the Knife" until he is chased by a shark.
Sal 	Hey! Hey you, Jaws 3D, come here, come here, come here!
Rizzo 	That's it! We got nothing else! (sobs)
Bill 	Wait, what's all this?
Rizzo 	(shoves him) Bill! Bill, Bill! Onstage! Go go go go go! Shoo! Shoo!
Bill 	Stage? But — hey … Rizzo?
 	Stagehands change the backdrop to a flowery park.
Bill 	Ladies and gentlemen, for your entertainment, I would like … to …
Rizzo 	Anything! Make something up!
Bill 	… uh, I'd like to do the Flight of the Bubblebee. Music!
 	He blows bubbles out of his head as "Flight of the Bumblebee" plays.
Bill 	(grunts) — ooh, a nickel. (grunts) I'm blowin'. (grunts) That's all I have.
Rizzo 	Stretch! Stretch!
Bill 	Alright, alright, let me blow a deuce. (grunts) Oh, that was it! That was a deuce!
 	Johnny, Sal and the shark run past him.
Bill 	Was that a — was that a shark?
==Seymour & Pepe==
Gonzo 	Oh no! Oh no no no no no!
Rizzo 	(sobs)
Seymour	Hey, hey, put us on! We've got an act.
Pepe 	Yes.
Rizzo 	Are we that desperate?
Gonzo 	YES!
Rizzo 	YES! GO ON! GO ON!
 	They shove Seymour and Pepe onstage. The backdrop is changed to a vaudevillian curtain.
Pepe 	Hahaha. Richard?
 	The theme music begins.
Seymour	♪ I'm Seymour.
Pepe 	♪ I'm Pepe.
Both 	♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	♪ I'm a little bit forward.
Seymour	♪ And I've got a big behind.
Pepe 	Say, Seymour?
Seymour	Yes, Pepe?
Pepe 	What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?
Seymour	Gee, I don't know. What?
 	The music stops.
Pepe 	"Elefino".
 	Rimshot. The audience stares, jaws agape.
Pepe 	Uh, "Elefino"!
 	Rimshot. Nothing.
Seymour	Gee, Pepe, I don't think they get it.
Pepe 	"Elefino"! Why do I have to 'splain to you people, okay? "Elefino"!
Seymour	What, what —
Pepe 	Help me out here! "Elefino"!
 	Rizzo and Gonzo watch from the wings. Rizzo is about to burst.
Gonzo 	Don't yell at them!
==Backstage==
 	The needle is teetering at 50.
Clifford 	Uh-oh, guys, look! Look at the ratings!
Nigel 	Oh no.
Clifford 	Aw, this is grim! Grim!
Randy 	Clifford!
Andy & Randy	Yo yo yo yo!
Randy 	What's up?
Andy 	Remember that thing you told us to do, that we can't remember what it is — well, we did it!
Clifford 	You traced that call?
Randy 	Yeah, that was it.
Andy 	Yes! We found the mad bomber!
Clifford 	Come on, everybody! Follow the pigs! They found the mad bomber! Come on, let's go!
Randy 	Come on!
Andy 	Let's go, everybody!
 	A sped-up chase begins, leading back to where they started.
Andy 	Follow the pigs! Follow the pigs!
Clifford 	Come on, everybody, let's go, let's go.
Randy 	I know what we did. Come on!
Muppets 	(random) This way! Come on! Let's go!
 	The chase resumes, leading them through the nursing home.
Statler 	(laughs) … What the?
Waldorf 	How come that never happens when we're watching the Hot Bodies Bikini Contest?
 	They chuckle.
==Seymour & Pepe cont'd==
 	Seymour wears a tag reading "ELA-IF" and stands next to a card with a picture of a rhino that reads "I-KNOW". Pepe points to them with a wand.
Pepe 	Okay, okay. Elephant.
Seymour	Elephant.
Pepe 	"ELA-IF". … Rhino …
Seymour	Rhino.
Pepe 	"I-KNOW" … "Elefino" …
 	Rimshot. Still no reaction.
Pepe 	Unbelievable! I can't believe it! How many times, how many times we gotta do?
Seymour	Gee, Pepe, maybe we should just sing the song.
Pepe 	… okay.
 	The theme music begins.
Seymour	♪ I'm Seymour.
Pepe 	♪ I'm Pepe.
Both 	♪ We're two of a kind.
Pepe 	♪ I'm a little bit forward.
Seymour	♪ And I've got a big behind.
Pepe 	Ha ha ha ha ,,,
 	They are yanked away by the giant cane. Rizzo frets.
Gonzo 	That's a couple of sandwiches shy of a picnic basket.
==Backstage==
 	The pigs lead the chase past Bobo. Spamela and Ernest have joined them.
Randy 	Hey! There it is, there it is! There it is, right there!
Clifford 	Alright, alright. Stay back, everyone. The mad bomber is in the closet. I don't want anyone tryin' any dangerous, macho, save-the-day heroics.
Spamela 	But I love dangerous, macho, save-the-day heroics.
 	A beat.
Clifford 	Look out, everybody! I'm breaking down the door!
 	He runs into the door and faints. The door swings open. The bomber emerges.
Andy & Randy	Wee, wee, wee …
Clifford 	Alright. Who are you, anyway?
Bomber (JN) 	Well, to tell you the truth, man … (Sandra's voice) Oh gosh, what's the point?
 	The bomber takes off a mask to reveal Sandra in disguise.
Muppets 	Sandra Bullock??
Ernest 	Yeah! Take off some more, baby!
Clifford 	Ernest.
Ernest 	Sorry.
Clifford 	Sandra. You're the mad bomber? Why?
Sandra 	Oh … Clifford, there's no bomb. I just wanted the ratings to be really high so the show would be a huge success and you'd like me and then you'd … ask me back again.
Clifford 	What are you worried about the ratings for? People love you!
Muppets 	(murmuring in agreement)
Clifford 	They love your movies, they — they love you no matter what you do!
Andy & Randy	Yeah.
Sandra 	Really?
Clifford 	Sure! Sandra, you could do anything and people would enjoy it.
Sandra 	I — I — I could do anything?
Clifford 	Anything.
Sandra 	Anything?
Clifford 	(high-pitched) Anything.
Sandra 	Anything?
Clifford 	My voice don't go that high. Do it, girl.
Sandra 	Great. (exits)
==Goodnights==
 	Moments later, Sandra comes onstage in a haphazard one-man band outfit, singing "Alexander's Ragtime Band" off-key. Clifford and Rizzo watch on the monitor.
Rizzo 	You had to say she could do anything.
Clifford	Aw, come on, come on, we'd better get out there and say goodnight.
Rizzo 	Alright. (they exit)
Nigel 	Oh boy, this one's gonna be a challenge.
 	Clifford and Rizzo come onstage as Sandra continues "singing".
Clifford	Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for, Sandra Bullock! Yeah, give it up! Give it up! Heh heh heh.
 	Applause.
Sandra 	Clifford! I'm not done yet!
Clifford	I can't hear you!
 	The applause gets louder.
Clifford	Thanks for coming on the show, and for doing such a great job! You can come back any time!
 	Rizzo groans, covering his ears.
Clifford	Oh, come on, Riz. Just wave and smile. She won't know the difference. (waves, laughs)
Rizzo 	(waves, laughs) Yeah, nice! Very nice! That's wonderful, yeah.
 	Applause. Fade to black.
==Epilogue==
 	After the show, Sandra is still onstage singing "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt". Beauregard observes her.
Beauregard	Excuse me, Sandra? Sandra, here are the keys. Could you lock the door when you are done?
Sandra 	(out of breath) Okay.
Beauregard	Just lock it.
Sandra 	(out of breath) Okay.
Beauregard	Thank you. 'Night.
Sandra 	(out of breath) Goodnight. Seven, eight. (continues singing)
 	The credits roll. Outtakes are shown of Seymour and Pepe's routine, Clifford and Rizzo backstage, interactions with Sandra, and the cold open.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts