Canine Extraction/Transcript

This is the transcript for Canine Extraction, which aired on April 1, 2021.
==Transcript==
1 There you go, three more reps.
And three, two, one.
- [LAUGHING.]
: Yeah.
- Hell yeah! Go ahead, shake it out.
[PHONE RINGS.]
Oh, hey, Dr.
Pete.
How is Ghana? [TURNS TV OFF.]
Oh, yeah, Cannoli's great.
You've been getting the videos, right? Hey, that's my work loafer.
GINA: Wednesday? Wow.
Okay.
Yeah, I'll have him ready for you.
Okay, I will see you then.
Stupid dog bones are everywhere.
Are you okay, Cannoli? I'm fine, thanks.
Heads up you may find a tassel in his poop.
You mean Dr.
Pete's gonna find a tassel in his poop.
Who's Dr.
Pete? Cannoli's owner.
I was watching him while he was working in Ghana.
Ghana? How do you know this guy? - Oh, a friend of a friend.
- What friend? Well, that friend was kind of a friend of a different friend.
Somewhere in the chain there's a Leslie.
Anyway, he's finished his volunteer work, so he's coming back home, and now he wants his dog back.
How am I gonna give him up? He's so dumb and cute.
If he was a guy, I would totally date him.
So, how do you plan on spending your last few days together? One special last meal? My other loafer, perhaps? Actually, he also hired me to train Cannoli while he was gone.
So I have three days to finish and start.
- The more you give - The more you give - The more you live - The more you live - Your happiness is relative - Happiness But if you're feeling like crap It's time to face the fact It's your prerogative Your prerogative To be positive Okay, Cannoli roll over.
Okay, I am establishing watch me.
I am establishing dominance.
All right.
Roll over! Oh, come on, Cannoli, you just, you do it like this.
You go roll over! And roll over! I don't know about Cannoli, but you're ready for Westminster.
Dominance established.
Okay, bye.
Great training session.
I know it's not his hearing because he goes crazy every time I say the word [WHISPERS.]
: "walk.
" It's the reason that I can't make Chinese food.
So what are you gonna do? I don't know.
Dr.
Pete comes home tomorrow.
Will you help me, Drew? No, I can't, because this afternoon I am taking Maddie to feed the ducks at the pond.
Wow, duck pond with Dad.
You really know what teenage girls like.
It's our tradition.
It started when she was a baby.
You have never seen someone so excited to see ducks.
And now we go back every year, we get ice cream, we take a photo.
Except for the time that I was attacked by a rogue swan.
Ironically, Maddie couldn't help, because she was too busy playing Angry Birds.
That's actually very sweet.
My mom used to take me to the park where she would meet her weed dealer.
There weren't any swans, but I did see a rat eating a pizza.
Oh, hey, girl.
- Hi.
- Hey, there she is.
You ready for the duck pond? Oh, sorry, I forgot about that.
My friend Bella's on her way over.
But the ducks are back.
That's cool.
Do we have to be back with them? Well, yeah, it's our tradition.
Maybe we can start a new tradition.
Like, I hang out with my friends, and you leave us alone.
[MOCK GASP.]
We could make that a weekly thing.
You okay? Yeah.
I'm just gonna go for a walk.
A-Alone.
Alone.
Check this out.
Whoa, that is so much beer.
You're going to be so popular.
Gina brews it.
She sells it at 7-Eleven.
Well, behind 7-Eleven.
Are you sure about this? If I get caught, I'll blame it on the meds I have to take because of the divorce.
You're a genius.
How are you getting a "D" in biology? I'm not getting a "D.
" Chloe's getting a "D.
" I just copied off of her.
This is awful.
It's a fancy beer.
That's how you know it's good.
Oh, hey, guys.
I didn't know that you were Uh are you drinking my beer? We were just trying it.
It's so good.
Really? Because this time I put orange peel in the final stage, but Oh, no! That doesn't matter because you're 13! Give me those! You're not gonna tell my dad, right? Yes, I'm going to tell him.
I think.
I don't know! Oh, why couldn't I have gotten into making bread? The yeast was right next to the hops.
Hey, those are really cute earrings.
- Where'd you get 'em? - Oh, Bella.
I invented that game.
You're trying to play pickup with LeBron.
Come on, don't tell my dad.
- You're cool, right? - Obviously I'm cool.
Three out of five Foo Fighters said so.
The Foo who? Okay, Bella, you go home.
And you, young lady, you go to your room.
Do you hear what you've turned me into? An actual grown-up! What's next, I start wearing a beige bra? It was just beer.
I don't see what's so bad, unless they were drinking out of a meth straw.
Maddie's only 13.
So tell her to put it in a sippy cup.
Remember what we were doing when we were 13? No, I don't.
And that's my point.
So you're gonna narc on her? I never thought I'd see the day you sided with "the man.
" I really hate to betray her trust, especially after she lent me these really cute boots that I plan on keeping.
Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, Drew.
I'll see you later.
Oh, Gabby.
You're starting early.
Not as early as some.
She's not leaving because of me, is she? Oh, no, nothing like that.
She's just uncomfortable around you.
Um but also because I kinda have to tell you something.
Oh, God.
What is it? Will I be upset? What-what do I need? A chair? A lawyer? - My eczema cream? - Ugh, I hate being caught in the middle like this.
Ooh, I definitely need my cream.
I'm flaring up.
Okay.
I caught Maddie and Bella drinking beer in the garage.
- What?! - But I'm pretty sure I handled it It's not a big deal.
Not a big deal? Madeline? Oh, don't tell her it was me.
Pretend that there's a a hidden camera in the garage.
Were you drinking beer with Bella? Wow.
Thanks a lot.
There's a camera in the lawn mower.
You're 13 years old.
I only had a little bit, and it was nasty.
It's an acquired taste.
I didn't like beer till I was 15.
Not now, Gina.
We're not pitching it to her.
[KNOCKING.]
Hey.
I, uh, made some dinner.
And Maddie didn't finish this, so Too soon? Um, how'd you leave it with her? Well, her mom and I grounded her and took away her phone for two weeks.
Oh, I still don't know if I should have told you.
No, no, you did the right thing.
You were the adult in the situation.
I just don't want Maddie to go down the same path as me.
First you start sneaking beers, and the next thing you know, you're taking mystery pills you found on the bathroom floor at a Nickelback concert.
Oh, you are definitely making me feel better.
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
She's so much smarter than me at that age.
[SIGHS.]
It used to be so much easier.
I mean, any problem could be solved with a juice box or a Hello Kitty Band-Aid.
Now I can't even say hello without getting an eye roll.
Is that you guys at the duck pond? Yeah.
She was four years old.
She named all the ducks.
Uh, Quackie, Quack, Dr.
Quack he went to medical school, I guess And Obama.
Oh, look at her looking at you.
That is a kid who loves her dad.
Yeah.
Where'd that kid go? She's gonna be okay.
She's got two parents who love her and care about her.
It's just it's hard to believe that that kid at the duck pond is the same one that's drinking beer in my garage.
Ugh.
Don't sweat it.
In a few years, she'll be drinking at the duck pond.
I know that it's hard, but she's becoming her own person.
She's growing up.
Oh, Cannoli, oh, you can't be up here.
No [SIGHS.]
All right.
Hey.
Dr.
Pete's gonna be here in, like, an hour.
- What's he doing with your loafer? - Well, he gave me his squeaky hamburger I had to reciprocate.
[SQUEAKING.]
[SINGSONGY.]
: You like Cannoli.
Okay, I admit, he grows on you.
Plus, he's so warm and cuddly.
I mean, last night I didn't even have to wear my flannels.
Okay, I made us this photo album of Cannoli, so we will always remember him.
Aw, that's sweet.
It's hard to see someone you love move on.
So, this is him dressed as the pope for Halloween.
And here he is on a date with the neighbor's collie.
Sorry, we didn't think she'd mind you were neutered.
[LAUGHS.]
Aw.
Hey do you think we have time for one last trip to the dog park? Yeah, sure.
Ooh, but if the neighbor's collie is there, we're gonna ice that bitch out.
You were supposed to take a left there.
Oh, we're not going to the dog park.
Why? Where are we going? This is a jailbreak, baby.
- What? - Yeah.
We're not letting anybody take this guy away.
We're dognapping him.
You're serious? We're stealing Cannoli? Oh, yeah.
It's on.
He's our dog now.
But-but he's got to go back.
Why? What kind of selfish jerk abandons his dog for six months? The kind of selfish jerk who helps orphans in Ghana smile again after cleft palate surgery.
Oh, please.
I bet he leads with that at singles bars all over Africa.
Look at him.
He's attached to us.
We're his real family.
Well, so is Dr.
Pete.
Oh, come on.
Are you telling me Cannoli would choose Dr.
Pete - over us? - Of course not.
I read The Very Hungry Caterpillar to him every nigh, but I would change it to The Very Hungry Cannoli.
He can't read.
We have to do what's best for the dog, and that is keeping him with us.
- I don't know.
- You're the person who loves him most in the world; he should be with you.
Oh, see? And you know that's genuine because he's very poorly trained.
I do hate the thought of saying goodbye.
Exactly.
Okay, look, we are done playing by the rules.
- Okay.
- Here's the plan.
We disappear, we go off the grid.
We go from town to town, we mix it up with the locals, maybe solve some of their problems along the way, and then we move on.
Granted, I am basing this a lot on The Incredible Hulk.
Maybe we keep spitballing? Sure.
Yep.
No bad ideas.
Uh Got it.
We find someone to take Cannoli for a few weeks, and then we tell Dr.
Pete that he ran away.
We slap up some posters, and then, when the coast is clear, we happen to adopt a dog that looks just like him.
Yes! Ooh, and for the poster, I can use a picture of Cannoli from his quinceaÃ±era.
I don't have to tell you it was pirate-themed.
Hey, everybody, keep your calendars clear for the 29th.
No.
Because I'm playing Abraham Lincoln in a one-man show at the New Haven VFW.
That's a great venue.
I got married there.
Hope it works out better for you.
You're playing Abraham Lincoln? Are you gonna free yourself at the end? It's like Hamilton, it's a reimagination.
You should get one.
Okay, guys, listen up.
Uh-uh.
What are you doing? You can't bring a dog in here.
A dog? Get that filthy, slobbering thing Oh, aren't you cute? Are you giving out kisses? [GIBBERING.]
Oh, this is kind of an emergency.
Yeah.
We-we just need someone to take Cannoli for a f-few weeks.
Samantha, what do you think? Can you take him? I don't let my mother stay with me, so what do you think? Jerry, what about you? Uh, sorry, I couldn't do that to my hamsters.
Say no more.
It's just that they're so sensitive, and I She said, "Say no more.
" I'd love to take him, but my building doesn't allow dogs.
You own your own house.
I said what I said.
Come on, you guys.
Somebody step up.
We're gonna lose him.
Lose him? What are you talking about? Well, Cannoli's "owner" wants him back, and we cannot let that happen.
When you say "owner," do you mean the person the dog belongs to? Technically, yes, but we've been looking after him now and we love him.
I bet his owner doesn't even know what his favorite song is.
It's "Hotline Bling.
" But he's not yours.
This is a bad idea.
Yeah, no one's gonna help you commit some crazy dognapping.
How do you think his owner feels? I'm sure he misses his own dog.
Oh, who cares, Jerry? [OVERLAPPING YELLING.]
Everybody settle down! A dialysis center divided against itself cannot stand! Wow.
Thanks, George Washington.
Drew, I think they're right.
Just because we love him doesn't make him ours.
You, too? I have a dental convention next month.
You could watch my two hamsters No more.
I think that we're doing the right thing, giving Cannoli back.
I know, I know.
You can call Dr.
Pete and tell him we'll bring him back right now.
Get on up.
[GROANS.]
It's not gonna be the same without you, big guy.
I'm gonna miss your cuddles.
And I'll never find another dog to be the big spoon.
- [TRUNK DOOR CLOSES.]
- You're one of them.
I'll see you in hell! - [TIRES SCREECHING.]
- Drew! Cannoli! Drew, pick up.
Where the hell are you? I can't keep making excuses to Dr.
Pete.
Oh, by the way, I told him that I'm at your funeral, so if he comes by, I don't know, play dead? Still not answering, huh? Nope.
Okay, that's "conquer.
" 28 points because the "Q" landed on a double-letter.
Ugh, I liked Drew a lot better when he followed the rules.
"Preconquer.
" Ooh, it's a double-word score, so, uh, 44.
Yeah, well, "preconquer" is not a word.
It's what you do before you conquer.
Like the stretches and the knee bends.
And then, boom, you're conquering.
What the hell are you talking about? Try again.
I don't get it.
Drew's obsessed with keeping Cannoli, but the dog was such a pain to him before.
Yeah.
Could be one of those situations where you don't appreciate what you had till they take it away.
Same thing happened with my car keys.
Before yesterday, he wouldn't even say Cannoli's name.
He just referred to him as "the dirty white Wookiee.
" Maybe it's not about the dog.
Maybe it's transference.
What are you talking about? You put your feelings about one thing onto something else.
Like when you punch a hole in the wall.
You're not mad at the wall, you're mad because they took away your car keys.
Yeah, or when the bartender tells me I've had enough, and then I have sex with the bouncer.
Transference.
"Misconquer.
" It's when you go to conquer one village and you accidentally conquer the village next door.
It's a misconquer.
Okay, you play that.
I have a wall to punch.
What? Don't look at me like that.
Maybe you shouldn't have finished yours so quick.
Okay, here.
Enjoy.
Hey.
You found me.
You make a pretty bad fugitive.
If you're gonna go on the lam with a giant sheepdog, at least put a hat and glasses on him.
You okay? The ducks haven't come back.
Well, maybe they're coming later because of climate change.
Yeah, exactly.
Even the climate's changing.
Can't one frickin' thing in my life stay the same? [SIGHS.]
I get it.
Kidney, the divorce, now Maddie.
It's a lot.
See that rock over there? Maddie used to climb to the top.
She would spend hours chasing the ducks around.
And I spent hours watching her.
Mm, that's adorable.
Two minutes ago she was this kid in overalls who needed me to tie her shoe, and now she's practically halfway out the door.
I know it's hard to lose your little girl, but the good part is, you get to see her change into this badass young woman that you helped create.
[SIGHS.]
I want to slow it down.
That's the thing.
You can't.
You have to embrace the moments that you have, not the ones that are gone.
I'm sorry I dognapped Cannoli.
That was crazy.
No, it was transference.
You know what transference is? I know some stuff.
Tell Dr.
Pete that we'll bring him home tonight.
By the way, how'd you know I'd be here? I didn't.
So, are we doing this stupid picture, or what? You sure? I mean, we do it every year, don't we? There are no ducks.
I didn't come for the ducks.
Plus, Mom said if I took the picture, she'd give me my phone back.
Hey, boy.
It's me, Drew.
You remember me? Where's Gideon? Oh, he just stepped out.
He said he could be reached - at his Gettysburg address.
- Ugh.
Any more of that and I'm gonna John Wilkes Booth myself.
Oh, hey, boy.
Can you hear me? Oh, over here.
- Oh - What are you doing? Well, uh, Dr.
Pete is letting me FaceTime with Cannoli.
FaceTiming with a dog? That is the dumbest thing I've ever Oh, he's so fluffy.
Where's my fluffy wufferton? Oh, my God.
Who are you? PETE: Hey, I'm-I'm Pete Chakos.
I'm Cannoli's dad.
He just walked off.
Ah, yes, yes, Dr.
Pete, the cleft palate surgeon.
I'm-I'm Samantha Turner, a friend of Drew's.
I didn't know Drew had such attractive friends.
I was just thinking the same thing.
Uh, excuse me, that's my property.
Up-bup-bup.
So a doctor.
Do you have a-a practice in the city? No, I travel around the world helping children in need.
Oh, that's so wonderful.
Do you work for one of those big, worldwide organizations? No, I'm on my own.
One-man band.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Well, you must be pretty well-off to be flying all over the world.
Actually it's a lot of scrimping and saving and relying on the goodwill of others.
Okay, I tried.
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