Episode 204: Rich Little/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 204: Rich Little.
==Cold open==
 	Scooter is outside the guest star's dressing room.
Scooter 	Rich Little! Oh, Rich Little! Forty-five seconds to curtain, Mr. Little.
 	Rich Little emerges wearing a long scarf and top hat.
 	
Rich 	Godfrey Daniels! Send for a shepherd. There seems to be a pig in my dressing room. (shuts door)
Scooter 	Gee, that was W.C. Fields. Where's Rich Little?
 	Rich Little enters again with a fedora and trench coat.
Rich 	Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, I had to walk into this infested hole. Ah, here's looking at... at you, kid. (shuts door)
Scooter 	Wow, Humphrey Bogart. But where's Rich Little?
 	Mean Mama emerges from the guest star's dressing room.
Mean Mama	Oh, I'll be ready, Scooter, little buddy. (shuts door)
Scooter 	Boy, Rich Little does impressions of everybody.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Mr. Rich Little!
 	The curtain opens and the theme begins.
Waldorf	I've seen enough, let's leave.
Statler	Mmm.
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet blows up a long, yellow balloon.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	OK, greetings, greetings, sayeth the frog and welcome to another half hour of whatever this is. For tonight, we tried to book every internationally-known superstar to appear on our stage at the same time! Uh, they couldn't make it. Yeah, baby-sitting problems and stuff like that, I guess. Actually, we did get one star, and he's enough because he can become all of the other ones. Naturally, I'm referring to the master impressionist, Mr. Rich Little. But before we see him, how about a little Chanson D'Amour, hmm?
 	
 	A trio of girl singers perform "Chanson D'Amour." Crazy Harry joins them to perform the "Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta" part... along with a bit of explosive punctuation.
Waldorf	(wakes up from a nap) Oh, what'd I miss?
Statler	Oh, nothing, they just bombed again.
==Backstage==
 	Crazy Harry exits the stage.
Kermit	Hey, very sensitive, Crazy Harry. You certainly have a way with a lyric.
 	Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Hey, Kermit, Kermit. Have you seen any chickens around here today?
Kermit	Chickens? Gonzo, why would there be any chickens around here?
Gonzo 	Well, I'm auditioning for my new dancing chicken act. It's gonna be sensational!
Kermit	A dancing chicken act? Gonzo, I've never heard of anything as ridiculous as a dancing chicken.
Gonzo 	How about a talking frog?
 	
Kermit	Be wise, Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Well, look, I advertised for dancing chickens in the paper. So the minute they show up, just send them back to the prop room, OK?
Kermit	Yeah.
Gonzo 	Thank you. (exits)
Kermit	Sure, send the chickens to the prop room. Ad in the paper! Chickens can't read. Frogs, yes, but chickens, never. (gasps)
 	A live chicken is wandering around backstage.
Kermit	Uh, yeah, well, the... the prop room is down there. It's the second door on your left, sir... or madam. (shrugs)
==Impersonations==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	OK, it's guest star time on the old Muppet Show. So here he is, the only man I know who can be anyone he feels like, Mr. Rich Little!
 	Fanfare and applause as the curtains open on Rich.
Rich 	Thank you, thank you. It's great to be here. I'd like to start off this evening by doing my impression of truly one of the great comedians of our time. (As Fozzie) Aaahhh. Hiya, hiya, hiya! It's great to see you happy folks 'cause I'm the bear with the snappy jokes! Aaahhh.
Statler 	Hey, that's terrific, just great!
Waldorf 	Yeah, the voice is perfect.
Statler 	And the jokes are perfectly awful!
Rich 	Hey, look, I'm down here pretending to be a bear. They're up there pretending to be alive! Aaahhh!
Waldorf 	(laughing) Very good!
Statler 	Yeah, but watch it, Rich, you'll blow the impression by being funny.
Rich 	(As Statler) You mean you're not impressed with these impressions?
Waldorf 	Was that you or him?
Statler 	I couldn't tell. This guy's good!
Rich 	(as Fozzie) But let me tell you, folks, a funny thing happened on the way to the theater. I'm coming through a crowd at the stage door when suddenly...
 	Enter Fozzie.
Fozzie 	(stuttering) Don't tell me, I know! Aaahhh...
Rich 	Aaahhh...
Fozzie 	Bob Hope! Milton Berle. Uh, Jack Benny?
Rich 	(shoos Fozzie away with his hat) Will you get out of here?!
Fozzie 	(yells)
Rich 	(as Kermit) Uh, sorry for the interruption, folks. Uh, Kermit the Frog here. We've got a really great show lined up for you tonight, featuring Gonzo and the flying cheese, plus the state of New Jersey.
 	Enter Kermit.
Rich 	(As Kermit) Oh, uh, gee. Uh, look... look who's here.
Kermit 	Rich, it's you! See, I was in the dressing room and I heard you onstage and for a second I thought I had grown a new me.
Rich 	(As Piggy) Hello, Kermie.
Kermit 	What?
Rich 	Kissy-kissy.
Statler 	Hey, it's terrific.
Rich 	(As Piggy) If you don't let me sing tonight on the show ... I'll rip off your flippers!
Kermit 	Please, Piggy... Rich. This is all very--
 	Enter Piggy.
 	
Piggy 	I heard you out here talking to another woman! Where is she?
Kermit 	No no no, Piggy. That was Rich Little here. Wasn't it, Rich?
Rich 	Hey, uh, no, it wasn't me. I just got here myself.
Piggy 	I thought so, swamp face!
Kermit 	But...
Piggy 	Hiyah! (chops Kermit)
Rich 	(as Piggy) Hey, watch what you do to my frog, Bacon-hips!
Piggy and Rich	Hiyah!
 	They karate-chop each other and crash to the ground at the same time.
Waldorf 	Oh, what a performance!
Statler 	And what a finish, right into the orchestra pit.
Waldorf 	Yeah, good old Rich Little. Who else can do impressions and break a piano in two with his head? (they laugh)
==Chicken auditions==
 	Gonzo and Rowlf, at the piano, are sitting in the prop room.
Gonzo	OK, who's next? Come on in.
 	A live chicken enters.
Gonzo	All right, we're auditioning here for a new dancing chicken act. So naturally, I want to see you hoof. Hit it, Rowlf.
 	Rowlf plays as Gonzo watches the chicken.
 	
Gonzo	OK, can you do a little time step?... No, you can't do a little time step. How about the turkey trot? Nope. OK, let's see you cross over here. Come on. One, two, three, four. At least do something! ...OK, uh, don't call us, we'll call you.
 	The chicken exits.
Gonzo	Nice legs, though.
==At the Dance==
Female Whatnot	I've heard that dancing is good for you, that it can add ten years to your life.
Male Whatnot 	I believe it. Dancing with you, I've aged ten years.
 	Mary Louise is squeezing a catatonic Animal.
Mary Louise 	Tell me if I'm holding you too tight. I say, tell me if I'm holding you too tight!
 	Animal drops to the ground.
Mary Louise 	Now you tell me.
Female Whatnot	Oh, look at that. You should call him a doctor.
Male Whatnot 	OK. You're a doctor.
 	Animal pulls himself up on Piggy and her partner.
Animal 	Ah.. ah... Excuse... excuse me.
Piggy 	Will you stop trying to cut in? Hiyah!
Animal 	Aah!
 	
Animal 	(grunting) What's the quickest way out of here?
Crazy Harry 	Through the roof! (hysterical laughing)
 	Kaboom! Animal goes flying.
==UK spot: "The Boy in the Gallery"==
 	
 	Miss Piggy sings "The Boy in the Gallery" with Rowlf on piano. Eventually, she is joined by the audience.
Piggy	Join in, everyone.
Rowlf	Take it, Piggy.
Everybody!
=="The Glow-Worm"==
 	
 	Lenny the Lizard performs "The Glow-Worm." He is approached by two inchworms, both of which he eats. When a third approaches, he is met with a big surprise.
 	
Statler	There, now that's entertainment!
Waldorf	That's what you said about the War of 1812.
==Backstage==
 	A group of reporters including the Newsman, Mildred Huxtetter, and Fleet Scribbler greet Rich Little outside the stage door.
 	
Newsman	Oh, here he is. Shh, shh.
Rich 	I understand there are reporters who want to interview me.
Newsman	Yes, that's right, Mr. Little. I just want you to know we are professional journalists. We won't ask you to do any impressions. You can just be yourself.
Rich 	Thank you, I appreciate that.
Mildred	Mr. Little, I have a two-part question. One, how long does it take you to work up an impression? Two, would you answer as Cary Grant?
Newsman	Uh, listen, now, listen, we weren't gonna ask him to perform.
Mildred	But I just love Cary Grant.
Rich 	(As Cary Grant) Thank you very much, madam. I really appreciate that, I really do. Well, to answer the first part of your question, some come very quickly, like two or three hours, and others take longer. Of course, there are some that I'm still working on.
Fleet 	You mean like your Cary Grant? (laughs)
Rich 	(As Kirk Douglas) I heard that, junior. Another crack out of you, and I'll turn your head into a dimple. (growls)
Mildred	Oh, I just love Burt Lancaster.
Rich 	I thought I was doing Cary Grant.
Mildred	I know. But I just love Burt Lancaster.
Rich 	(As Burt Lancaster) Ha ha ha! You're very kind, miss, very kind. Perhaps after this interview we could go out together, have a little champagne supper. Ha ha ha.
Mildred	Oh, I think I'm going to faint.
 	The Newsman catches her.
Newsman	(grunts) Good grief! Listen, I must apologize for my colleagues here. From now on there will be no impressions. You can just answer in your own voice.
Rich 	Oh, that'll be fine.
Fleet 	Uh, are you doing your own voice now, or are you doing an impression of yourself?
Rich 	No, this is my own voice. I've never learned to do me.
Newsman	Working with all the strange characters on this show must seem like a Marx Brothers movie.
Rich 	(As Groucho Marx) That's the nastiest thing I've heard. Why don't you put your teeth in backwards and bite yourself to death.
Mildred	Has anyone ever objected to you impersonating him?
Rich 	(As Richard Nixon) Uh... well, of course, let me say this: To the best of my... to the best of my recollection, I don't think that anybody has ever objected to me impersonating them.
Fleet 	Tell me, Mr. Little, do you have your own favorite impression you like to do?
Rich 	(As Jimmy Stewart) Well, I, uh, like... Like to do Jimmy Stewart a lot, yeah, yep, yep. Jimmy Stewart is probably... probably my favorite actor.
Newsman	One last question, Mr. Little. How does it feel to be on The Muppet Show with all those strange weird creatures?
Rich 	(As Liberace) Oh, I just adore the Muppets. They're... they're so cute and cuddly. I could just squeeze them all to death...
 	Sweetums, Timmy Monster, Gorgon Heap, and Mean Mama open the stage door and attack him from behind.
==Chicken auditions==
 	Gonzo is surrounded by chickens in the prop room.
 	
Gonzo	OK, everybody with Broadway experience, step forward.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	In the operating room, Miss Piggy skeptically examines a tool before running to join the others at the table. The patient is Fozzie Bear.
Announcer	And now Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Piggy 	Mm! Uh, Dr. Bob, Dr. Bob, are you ready for the next bear?
Rowlf 	Why, Nurse Piggy, I couldn't have a beer now. I'm about to operate.
Piggy 	No, not beer, bear.
Janice 	The next patient.
Rowlf 	Oh, why, so he is. What seems to be his trouble?
Janice 	He's a little hoarse.
Rowlf 	I thought you said he was a bear.
Piggy 	That's very funny, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Yes, it is a little weird. Usually, you call a small horse a colt.
Janice 	But that's why he's a little hoarse.
Piggy 	He's got a colt in the head!
 	All laugh
Janice 	Oh wow...
Rowlf 	Hey, in that case, we must try to stabilize his condition.
Janice 	Oh, well how do we do that?
Rowlf 	Put him in the stable!
 	All laugh
Piggy 	Oh, but, Dr. Bob, we're supposed to operate.
Rowlf 	You're right. Hand me the saw.
Piggy 	Saw, Dr. Bob.
Janice 	Dr. Bob, even if he is a horse, should you be using a saw?
Rowlf 	What's the matter? You never heard of a saw horse?
 	All laugh, including Fozzie.
Announcer	And so Dr. Bob has tuned to carpentry. Tune in next time when you will hear him say...
 	
Rowlf 	(sawing into Fozzie) Say, I think this is a bear I'm operating on.
Piggy 	Why?
Rowlf 	Because I'm barely operating. (laughs)
Fozzie 	That was a very cutting remark. Aaaahhh!
Rowlf 	(laughs)
==Backstage==
 	Kermit calls into the intercom by his desk.
Kermit 	OK, Scooter, let me know when he shows up, huh?
 	Janice and Rowlf exit the stage.
Kermit 	Nice going, guys, nice going.
 	Enter Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Hey, Kermit.
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	Where are you gonna put my chicken act in the show?
 	
Kermit 	Well, Gonzo, I hate to break this news to you, but the dancing chicken act is out.
Gonzo 	But, Kermit, why?!
Kermit 	Why? Well, somehow, you see, kid, it doesn't fit into the general ambiance of sophistication and classic theater we try so hard to achieve around here. Sort of like our next act, Nureyev.
 	Scooter enters.
Scooter	Say, Kermit?
Kermit 	Hm?
Scooter	Nureyev just called and canceled out. One of his seals is sick. (leaves)
Gonzo 	Rudolf Nureyev has trained seals?
Kermit 	No. Adolph Nureyev does.
Gonzo 	Does this mean I can go on?
Kermit 	Well, OK, Gonzo. But this act better not lay an egg. (leaves)
Gonzo 	(gasps) Stardom is mine!
==Chicken dance==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to the fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, thank you, thank you. Uh, and now we have a very special treat for you. Uh, actually, it's the only act we've got. Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable Gonzo and his dancing chicken, Lolita.
Statler	Gonzo and a chicken?
Waldorf	Why not? One chicken, one turkey.
 	
 	Curtains open on Gonzo, with Lolita on a leash. "Tea for Two" plays.
Gonzo 	OK, come on, Lolita, dance... She makes it look easy, don't she?... A big finish. Here it goes.
 	Lolita doesn't move, but the audience of chickens applauds.
Waldorf	Say, that Great Gonzo's pretty good.
Statler	Good? Why, he's got 'em laying in the aisles!
==Medley==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit	And now The Muppet Show takes pride in presenting scenes from the great Hollywood musical comedies of yesterday, as re-created today by our very special guest star, Mr. Rich Little!
 	
 	Scenes from the Great Musical Comedies of Yesterday: Rich Little and the Muppets recreate scenes from Singin' in the Rain, Gigi, and High Society. Rich performs "Singin' in the Rain" with Fozzie (impersonating Gene Kelly, Winston Churchill, and John Wayne), "Well Did You Evah?" with Kermit the Frog (impersonating Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby), and "I Remember It Well" with Miss Piggy (impersonating Maurice Chevalier).''
 	
Rich 	(As Frank Sinatra) Old Blue Eyes is back.
Kermit	Oh, yeah? Well, so's old Green Eyes.
Sing it, Bing.
 	
Rich 	I can remember everything as if it were yesterday.
Piggy 	Oh, so can I, Maurice.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, that's about it for another one, folks. Let's thank our very special guest star, Mr. Rich Little! Yeah!
 	Rich joins Kermit onstage.
Rich 	Thank you. I've been backstage listening, and I've perfected another impression of a Muppet star.
Kermit 	Oh, yeah? Well, let's hear it.
Rich 	(chicken noises)
 	
 	Gonzo rushes in.
Gonzo 	My kind of performer!
Kermit 	Will you cut that out? Hey, we'll see you all next time on The Muppet Show.
 	Gonzo leaves, ashamed. Mean Mama, Miss Piggy, Mildred, and Fozzie surround Rich as the credits roll.
Waldorf	Ah, I never want to go through that again.
Statler	What, the Muppet Show?
Waldorf	No, the War of 1812!
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts