Episode 424: Diana Ross/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 424: Diana Ross.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks and peers in.
Scooter	Oh Diana? Diana Ross? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Diana.
Diana 	Thank you, Scooter, thank you. Scooter, by the way, who put this thing in my dressing room?
 	
Scooter	Oh, well, I did. 'Cause Kermit told me wherever you go, you have a big fan club!
 	Gonzo, Rizzo and some penguins appear and laugh as the blades begin to whirl.
Diana 	Mother said there'd be shows like this. (laughs)
==Theme==
Kermit	It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
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 	Zoot charms a snake during the theme.
 	
 	Gonzo finds the same snake hanging out of his trumpet.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! Hi-ho and welcome again to The Muppet Show! And our special guest star tonight is Miss Diana Ross! (audience oohs) Yes! So this is going to be a fantastic show.
Statler	Yeah, it better be, 'cause tonight we're keeping score.
 	
Waldorf	Yes, and on a scale of one to ten, here's your score so far.
 	He holds up a "2" card. They chuckle.
Kermit 	(worried) 2? Oh, come on, guys, forget about keeping score! You're gonna love this opening number! Let's go to Rio! Yaaaay!
 	
 	Eric the Parrot leads a group of small animals in singing "I Go to Rio."
Kermit 	Okay! Wasn't that terrific!
Statler	Well, on a scale of one to ten, we give it a, uh … 3.
 	The audience protests.
Waldorf	Well, maybe it wasn't that good. Let's give it a 1!
 	The audience protests. They both give it a 0 and the audience cheers.
==Backstage==
 	Fozzie stands by as the birds and rats come backstage mumbling.
Lizard (RH) 	Can you believe that?
Parrot (DG) 	Wow, it's rough out there.
Kermit 	Yeah, it's a very strange audience. I'm sorry about that.
Lizard (RH) 	We had to go through a lot of work for that number.
 	
Penguin (JN)	Yeah. I even bought a tuxedo.
Kermit 	That's a tuxedo?
Penguin (JN)	Yeah, I'm really a flamingo. (leaves)
Fozzie 	Hey, Kerm — Kermit? Kermit. Kermit. Listen. I know what that audience wants.
Kermit 	Yeah, what?
Fozzie 	Comedy. Watch the master.
 	He straightens his tie and goes onstage.
==Fozzie's comedy act / "Love Hangover"==
 	Fozzie comes onstage as his fanfare plays.
 	
Fozzie 	Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya!
 	The audience boos him.
Fozzie 	Bye-a, bye-a, bye-a, bye-a! (exits)
 	Waldorf holds up a "1" card.
Statler	You gave him a 1?
Waldorf	He's never been better!
 	They chuckle. Kermit comes onstage.
Kermit 	Will you guys quiet down? Because right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for one of my favorite singing stars, and the world seems to agree with me, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
 	
 	Diana sings "Love Hangover" as she dances with Fletcher Bird. At the end, Statler and Waldorf hold up a "10!" card and cheer.
Kermit 	Oh, wow! Wasn't that great?
Waldorf	Keep it up, frog!
Kermit 	So we're not doing so bad after all!
Statler	I wouldn't say that. Right now the score is Diana Ross: 10; Muppets: 3.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	A bird flies backstage. The other Muppets cheer Diana as she comes backstage.
Beauregard	Here she comes.
Scooter 	Great!
Fozzie 	Oh boy! Diana, Diana — you were terrific!
Diana 	Oh, thank you, Foz! What a terrific audience that is out there! And I want to thank you for warming 'em up for me.
 	
 	Awkward pause.
Diana 	They're so terrific. They are the best. When they love you, they don't hold back. (walks away)
Fozzie 	When they hate you, they don't hold back either.
Scooter 	Uh — Gills Brothers, you're on next!
 	They go onstage.
Scooter 	Good luck, boys! Break a fin!
==The Gills Brothers==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Okay, a-and now, ladies and gentlemen, we present the fabulous Gills Brothers! Yaaaay!
 	
Gills Brothers	
Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Outside the cove, the old sardine is dead.
 	The audience starts booing. One fish sings a solo.
Gills Brothers	
Pals of the sturgeon
Saw her submergin'.
They're singing her dirge in 
The Blue Point Oyster Bar.
Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Go tell Aunt Chovy.
Outside the cove, the old sardine is dead.
 	The audience's distaste reaches its peak. They start throwing things onstage. Fozzie watches from the wings.
Fozzie 	Oh, I can't watch. Ohh.
==Backstage==
Scooter	How's it goin'?
Fozzie 	Oh, it's not going good, Scooter.
Scooter	Oh, I'll say.
 	
 	The Gills Brothers come backstage, having been reduced to shivering skeletons.
Scooter	Pretty rough out there, huh?
Fish 	Oh! They were layin' for us!
Scooter	Why do you say that?
Fish 	One guy brought a bottle of tartar sauce!
==Dressing room==
 	Diana applies some cologne. Kermit knocks and peers in.
Kermit	Um…
Diana 	Yeah?
Kermit	E-e-excuse me, Diana …
Diana 	Yes?
Kermit	Uh, you got a second?
Diana 	Yes, Kermit, of course.
Kermit	Um …
Diana 	Kermit, first I want to tell you, that audience is so great out there. I really do love doing this show. It's the best!
Kermit	Uh, uh, yeah, well, well, they certainly love you a lot. It's just uh, well it's just — us that they hate.
Diana 	Oh, no. Kermit — Kermit, you have to win them over. Maybe you have to, um, uh, send in one of your surefire acts like Vet's Hospital. That'll work.
Kermit	Vet's Hospital!
Diana 	Yeah!
 	
Kermit	Now that's a good idea. Vet's Hospital! That's where Dr. Bob and Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice run out there, and they tell those awful, awful jokes, and then they laugh a lot, and boo and … (trails off)
Diana 	It's not a good choice, huh? Well, what about, um, Swedish Chef?
Kermit	Swedish Chef! Yes! Swedish Chef! A hilarious cooking lesson! Yes! With somebody — this guy that you can't understand, making this food that you can't eat and … (trails off)
Diana 	Hmm, not so good, huh? Well, let's see. Uh — what else you got?
Kermit	Uh … Pigs in Space?
Diana 	Pigs in Space!
Kermit	Yeah?
Diana 	Pigs in Space! I love Pigs in Space!
Kermit	(excited) You love Pigs in Space? Oh, good! That's it! We'll do Pigs in Space! Yaaay! (runs off)
Diana 	Pigs in Space — I hate Pigs in Space! What am I doing on this crummy show? (laughs)
==Pigs in Space==
 	
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE!
 	Link hums along to the theme music. Strangepork taps away at something.
Announcer 	When last we left the Swinetrek, that scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, was trying to fix Captain Hogthrob's lighter.
 	
Link Hogthrob 	Careful. That's a solid gold disposable lighter.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh. Don't worry. I'm an expert at these kind of things.
Link Hogthrob 	Hmm. Maybe First Mate Piggy could help.
 	The door opens, and she enters.
Miss Piggy 	Um, Captain Hogthrob, Captain Hogthrob, I —
 	Loud hissing noises are heard.
 	
Miss Piggy 	Just one moment here. Wha — I refuse to go on with such an unruly audience!
 	The hissing noises continue.
Miss Piggy 	I have never been so humiliated in all my theatrical career! I quit! (exits)
Link Hogthrob 	Oh. Touchy touchy.
 	He and Strangepork giggle.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Yeah. And that wasn't the audience — your gas lighter sprung a leak!
 	Link and Strangepork laugh.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh — I dropped it.
Link Hogthrob 	I'll get it. — Hey, it dropped over here by the tank of nitroglycerin.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, do you want a flashlight? It's dark under there.
Link Hogthrob 	No, I'll just strike a match.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	A MATCH?? (dashes away)
 	Explosion.
Announcer 	Is this the end of Pigs in Space?
Audience 	(in unison) YES! (applause)
Announcer 	Well, tune in again next time for …
Audience 	(in unison) NO!
Announcer 	All right then, don't. See if I care.
==UK spot==
 	The Electric Mayhem, minus Floyd and Dr. Teeth, is on stage. Beaker walks up to the microphone.
Beaker	Mee-mee-mee mee-mee-mee mee — "Mee Mee".
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 	The band starts playing. Beaker sings "Feelings," which he renders as "Mee-Mee." The audience starts to boo him. Animal briefly addresses them.
Animal	Quiet! … Thank you.
 	Animal continues playing; Beaker continues singing. The audience still boos him.
=="Last Time I Saw Him"==
 	Backstage, Floyd plays the bass.
Floyd 	Let's see, yeah…
Last time I saw her,
She sweetly kissed my lips.
(scats) — Oh, hi, Diana!
Diana 	Hi, Floyd! I heard you playing upstairs. Did you sound good!
Floyd 	Oh, just messin' around.
Diana 	Oh, I like it. Can I sing along with you a little bit?
Floyd 	Oh, would ya?
Diana 	Thank you. 
Last time I saw him,
He sweetly kissed my lips.
Last time I saw him,
He said "I'll be back for more of this."
 	
 	Floyd scats along. Dr. Teeth joins them on the tambourine.
Diana 	Hi!
Last time I saw him,
We were crying at the bus.
I knew he hated leaving,
But he had to set us up.
I gave him money —
You know, I invested well.
My mama doesn't trust him,
But he loves me, I can tell. Yeah!
And each day the Greyhound
Arrives at nine o' clock.
But I don't start my crying
 'Till that last man's gotten off.
Kermit	Oh, uh, excuse me —
Diana 	Last time I — Hi, Kermit — what's the matter? You look funny.
Kermit	Uh, uh, well, it's just the audience out there. Uh, you see, nothing is working except, uh, well, things like you.
Diana 	Oh — things like me? Well — what do you — well — do you think we can go out there and sing this song? We're doing this messing around — rehearsing a little bit.
Kermit	That would be wonderful! Just one second!
Diana 	Okay — let's go! Come on, guys.
Floyd 	Yeah! Yeah! (laughs)
 	Kermit rushes onstage.
Kermit	And now, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaay!
 	The Electric Mayhem backs up Diana as she continues the song. She is joined by three backup singers and a Dixieland group. Balloons fall from the ceiling. The applause is monstrous.
==Backstage==
Kermit	Okay! Wow! That's another 10 for Diana Ross! Okay, now who'd like to go out there and follow that?
 	Everyone upstairs ducks. Fozzie runs away.
Kermit	Gee, there must be somebody stupid enough to go out there and face that audience.
 	WHOOSH! Gonzo appears.
 	
Gonzo 	Hahahaha! I'll do it, Kermit! I've got the ultimate act! But, I'm going to need a typewriter for it.
Kermit	(stammers) Gonzo, we don't have a typewriter.
Gonzo 	Then I'll use a cow!
Kermit	Well — what is this act of yours?
Gonzo 	I can sum it up in one word: "indescribable".
Kermit	Okay, why not?
Gonzo 	(laughs triumphantly)
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, and now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you're going to love GONZO THE GREAT!! Yaaaaay!
 	
 	The curtain opens on Gonzo and his indescribable setup. The audience boos and throws vegetables at him, knocking him off his perch.
Gonzo 	Ladies and ge — ah!
 	The curtain closes. Statler and Waldorf hold up a "-6" card. Gonzo is carried backstage on a stretcher by Nurse Janice and Dr. Bob.
Kermit	Gonzo! Are you okay?
 	
Gonzo 	Oh, sure. Just a couple of tomato burns and cabbage cuts.
Kermit	(frets) It's getting worse out there! I'd better get Diana back onstage and restore order! (runs onstage)
=="Reach Out and Touch"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Uh, okay, folks, uh, you win! Here — uh, is she ready? Uh, here she is, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaaay!
 	The audience applauds wildly for Diana.
Diana 	Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Before I sing my next song, I would like to bring a friend of mine back on the stage. And I really do think he deserves another chance.
 	Kermit, Scooter and Fozzie watch from the wings.
Scooter	Who's she talking about?
Kermit 	I don't know.
Diana 	Here he is, that furry, funny man, Fozzie Bear!
 	The audience boos.
Fozzie 	Oh, no — no, I can't —
Scooter	(shoves him) Go on, Fozzie! Get out there!
 	He hides behind her.
Diana 	Hi! Fozzie — Oh, guys, come on!
Fozzie 	They — They just don't think I'm funny.
Diana 	Oh, I think you're very funny. Come on.
 	
Fozzie 	But — they don't like me.
Diana 	Well, I think you're very funny. Look, tell them the joke — tell them the joke that you told me in the dressing room right before we came out. Hm? Okay?
Fozzie 	That's a terrible joke!
Diana 	It's the best joke I've ever heard! Are you kidding?
Fozzie 	I can't do that joke!
Diana 	Oh, come on, it's a good one. Give it a try. Come on. Please?
Fozzie 	Okay, stick close.
Diana 	Okay.
Fozzie 	Um … hahahaha! Hiya hiya hiya! Hey! Have you heard about the new soft drink they're making, juh -- I can't do this joke!
Diana 	Aww, come on!
Fozzie 	Diana — it's a rough crowd.
Diana 	Okay, I'll do it.
Fozzie 	You??
Diana 	Trust me. Hiya hiya hiya! Have you heard about the new soft drink they're making just for frogs?
Fozzie 	Uh, no! Tell me about the new soft drink they're making just for frogs!
Diana 	It's called — "Croak-a-Cola!" (laughs)
 	The audience applauds. Fozzie is puzzled.
Diana 	Isn't that the best? (laughs)
Fozzie 	I'm a hit! How — how did you do that?
Diana 	Oh, Fozzie, see, it's very simple. You see, I think that uh, telling comedy, you know, doing comedy jokes and things like that is just like singing.
Fozzie 	Really?
 	Music swells up.
Diana 	All you have to do is let the audience know that you're reaching out to them and, in return, they reach right back to you. Just like this…
Fozzie 	Wow.
 	
 	She sings "Reach Out and Touch", soon joined by the other Muppets, as well as the audience, including Statler and Waldorf.
==Goodnights==
 	The other Muppets hum "Reach Out and Touch" while Kermit addresses the crowd.
Kermit	Well, it's been a very special show, and uh, you've been a very special audience. Uh, but before we go, let us say thank you to a wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Diana Ross! Yaaaaay!
 	Applause.
Diana 	Thank you! Kermit, I really loved being here. Thank you very much.
Fozzie	And I just loved your Croak-a-cola joke.
Diana 	Oh, good!
Fozzie	Yeah — of course, I got a better one. Yeah.
Diana 	Okay.
 	
Fozzie	Great! Okay, here we go! Have you heard about the new soft drink made out of acorns?
Diana 	No! Tell me about the new soft drink made out of acorns.
Fozzie	It's called "Oak-a-Cola"!
 	The audience boos.
Diana 	Aw! Come on! Fozzie! I can't protect you from that one!
Kermit	Uh — we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show!
Diana 	Bye!
 	The credits roll.
 	
 	After the credits, Statler and Waldorf are no longer keeping score. Instead, they're keeping "snore."
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts