Gary Gets Drafted

Gary Gets Drafted is the eighth episode of Full Server. In it, Gary has to fight in Ukraine, while his parents spend some time together.
==Transcript==
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[We see various random shots of the city, as the live studio audience applauds. Cut to an exterior shot of a church, and then cut to the inside where a wedding is taking place.]
Daddy Pig: Zoltan’s Mum, do you take Scatman John to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Zoltan’s Mum: If fish can marry Scatman John, then so can I!
Daddy Pig: Scatman John, do you take Zoltan’s Mum to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Scatman John: I’m the Scatman.
[laugh track]
Daddy Pig: You may now kiss the bride.
[Zoltan’s Mum and Scatman John kiss as everyone applauds. Cut to the Full Server gang, and the newly wedded couple, re-entering the Full Server house.]
Zoltan: So… I guess Scatman John is my dad now.
[laugh track]
Pluto: I thought your dad was Xi Jingping.
Zoltan: MY DAD IS NOT AN ASIANG!
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: I mean, I’m a prostitute, I fuck a lot of people son. He could be your biological dad.
Zoltan: NOOOOO!
[laugh track]
Zoltan’s Mum: I’m not saying Xi Jingping is your dad, I’m just saying it is a possibility! 
Pluto: Speaking of communist dictators, isn’t there a war going on right now?
[laugh track because war is a very funny subject and not a tragic event that shouldn’t be made fun of]
Zoltan: The one with Russia and Ukraine? Yeah, I hate all of them.
Jess: You’re not even gonna support Ukraine?
Zoltan: [looking around] Putin is watching us.
[laugh track]
Zoltan: Besides, I hate Ukrainians. They should all die.
[laugh track because racism is a level comedy]
Jess: Well uh anyway, I’ve been thinking about something very important.
Pluto: Come on, tell us, honey!
Jess: I’ve been thinking about sending Gary to help Ukraine.
Pluto: WHAT. WHY?
Gary the Born Baby: I’m not even a month old and I’m already being displaced? Damn it!
[laugh track]
Jess: Well someone needs to help the war effort! I can’t go, because I’m a woman, and Pluto can’t go because I need him as a body pillow.
Pluto: I don’t remember that being part of the marriage plan.
[laugh track]
Jess: Well as the mother of Gary the Born Baby, it is my final decision to send him to war.
Pluto: Not fair! I’m the father of Gary!
Jess: All you did was inseminate him. I literally gave birth to him.
Gary: It’s true.
Pluto: So it’s settled? Our baby is going to be a soldier?
Gary: Not like I have a choice.
Jess: [turns to camera] You’ve heard of EB Gets Drafted, well this is Gary Gets Drafted! [wink]
[laugh track]
Jess: Luckily all I have to do is sign some online paperwork, give them my address and credit card information, my passport, my baby’s birth certificate, and my soul, and then Gary will be sent off to fight for Ukraine!
[Laugh track]
Pluto: That sounds like hell.
Jess: That’s why I mentioned giving them my soul.
Pluto: Oh. Not like we need those anyway, am I right?
Gary The Soldier Baby: Is everyone forgetting I’M ONE FUCKING WEEK OLD?!
[laugh track]
Jess: Aww, his little baby sounds are so cute. Too bad he’s gonna get PTSD soon.
Purple: I had PTSD once. Actually no, I still have it.
Pluto: Where the fuck did you come from?
[laugh track]
Purple: [shrugs] Did I do that?
[Laugh track because Urkel]
Pluto: No seriously, where did you come from?
Purple: My mom’s uterus? I live here too you know.
[Zoltan walks in]
Zoltan: HI DAD! So, how old will my new mom be again?
Purple: 17, why?
Zoltan: Huh, that seems too old for you.
Purple: I am NOT a pedophile. I’m only one ironically.
Zoltan’s Mum: Wait, what do you mean new mum? Wait, Zoltan, a pedophile is your dad? I thought Scatman John was gonna be your dad…
Scatman: Scat
Zoltan’s Mum: Am I even your mum anymore?
Zoltan: Just because you’re Zoltan’s Mum, doesn’t mean you’re Zoltan’s mum.
Purple: This is confusing me, I’m gonna jack off to Judy from Zootopia now.
[Pause.]
Zoltan: why
Purple: Well, Nick Wilde was getting a bit old for me to be honest. I need to switch things up every once in a while.
[Dan walks in, audience applauses]
Dan: DID SOMEONE SAY JACKING OFF?
[Laugh track]
Purple: Yeah, I did. Why?
Dan: EVERYONE, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS, AND JACK OFF TO LOLA BUNNY RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
Zoltan: How are you, my brother?
Dan: Hey, it’s like what they say in South Park, I fucked your uncle yesterday!
Zoltan: I don’t think that answered my question. I don’t even know who my uncle is.
Purple: Oh, I have a brother! His name is WoofWoofGam3r.
[Woof comes in]
Woof: Hey guys check out this funny video of a Minecraft guy cumming out his username. It’s hilarious!
Dan: OH YEAH BABY! [bangs his chest like a gorilla]
Jess: Wait, where did Gary go?
[PoopFan enters]
PoopFan: Good morning, my fans! My names is PoopFan, but I don’t like poop!
Peter Griffin: But I do! I love scat!
Scatman John: Did someone say-
Zoltan: Wait, where’s Bot and Prim?
Pluto: They have Grovid, remember?
Zoltan: Oh right.
Prim: I love having Grovid.
SpongeBot: Let’s have sick sex!
Prim: Okay!
Jess: But where’s my son?
[Laugh track; The scene cuts to Gary boarding a flight to Kyiv, Ukraine.]
Ticket lady: I need to see your ticket, sir.
Gary: Ma’am, for the last time, my parents forced me to go fight for Ukraine in this war. I don’t even want to be here.
Ticket lady: Oh, the Russian-Ukraine war? Why didn’t you say so? Come right on in.
Gary: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you the past FIVE MINUTES!
Ticket lady: Huh?
Gary: [crawling past] Never mind, old hag. Get hearing aids.
[Changler walks up to the ticket lady.]
Changler: Hi, could I get a pretend ticket to Yemen?
[Laugh track; scene cuts to Gary on a plane with a bunch of Ukrainian soldiers]
Gary: [writing] Dear mother and father, if this is the last you ever hear from me, so be it. This is a war that needs not to be fought, but the big men on top don’t know what it’s like to be a little guy on the bottom, forced to fight in something they don’t believe in. I love both of you very much, and give my regards to that bitch Calley Peterman down the street. She's been trying to get me to suck her thumb. Goodbye.
[Gary looks at the letter, revealing it’s just a bunch of scribbles. Laugh track]
Gary: [sheds tear] I miss my parents…
[The plane lands and we cut to Gary and the rest of the troops going into battle.]
President Paddington: Alright troops, I’m not gonna lie. This battle won’t be easy but… it’s what we have to do. Even if we go out dying… at least we fought for what’s right. [takes a bite of a marmalade sandwich] This sandwich that Aunt Lucy made me really hits the spot!
Gary: Sir, one question.
President Paddington: Yes, infant child at the far right.
Gary: Why are you named after a bear?
[laugh track]
President Paddington: That is a story for another day. Let’s go out there, and defeat those Russians, if my name isn’t Volodymyr Zelenskyy Paddington. Time for me to play the piano with my penis. LET’S GOOOO!
[Pan out to reveal that the troops are in a Fortnite-esque battle bus. The back doors open and everyone jumps out.]
Soldier: Aw man, and he didn’t even ask where us boys are dropping.
Gary: Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. I don’t even have any hand-eye motor skills yet.
Sperm Cell: Consider yourself lucky. I haven’t even fertilized the egg yet and my parents drafted me!
[Laugh track. Cut back to the Full Server house. Jess is sitting on the couch crying.]
Pluto: Wh- what’s the matter, honey?
Jess: (wipes tears) I sent my only son away to the war! I don’t know if we’ll ever see him again!
Pluto: Well, if it makes you feel any better this was all your idea.
[laugh track]
Jess: Are we- are we bad parents?
Pluto: We?
[laugh track]
Jess: I think… I think I need to take my mind off this whole thing. 
[Pause.]
Jess: …wanna, go on a date somewhere maybe?
Pluto: Like where?
[Cut to Pluto and Jess at Peppa Pig World. Laugh track.]
Pluto: This isn’t what I meant.
Jess: Come on, it’ll be fun! They have a Daddy Pig ride!
Pluto: You mean the guy who accidentally rebuilt our house upside down?
Jess: Yeah, sure. That guy.
[Camera follows Pluto while he walks to the Suzy Sheep Memorial]
Pluto: Hey babe, what if we kissed at the Suzy Sheep Memorial at Peppa Pig World?
Jess: 😳
[Laugh track]
Jess: You know, that is very disrespectful of Suzy Sheep.
Pluto: Sorry Jess, I promise I won’t do it again.
[Laugh track; French Guy walks in confused]
French Guy: D'accord, je suis confus. Où pourrait bien être la balade à dos d'âne ?
Jess: What the- French Guy? Why are you in Bri’ish land?
French Guy: Oh mon Dieu, I only came for the Delphine Donkey ride.
Jess: The what?
Dan (offscreen): DID SOMEONE SAY “CAME” AND “DELPHINE” IN THE SAME SENTENCE?
French Guy: I think he’s talking about Delphine LaLaurie.
[Laugh track]
Dan (offscreen): No, I'm talking about Belle Delphine.
Pluto: Such a classic Dan moment!
[Laugh track and applause, before we cut to a commercial break.]
Peter Griffin: Hey, tell me something. There’s a delicious Subway food montage going on right behind me, isn’t there? Yep, I can smell it. Welp, that’s gonna make it kinda hard to focus but here we go. And ode to the Subway feast - Turkey, salami, cheese with roast beef. Pepperoni and ham, write this down chief. We got 'em all on freshly baked bread. The Subway Feast, it's as big as my head! Beat that, Jared! Heheheheheheh. Subway - eat fresh!
[The commercial break ends and we cut back to our scheduled programming. The audience applauds and cheers as we cut back to Gary in Ukraine.]
Gary: Why did my parents sign me up for this? [shoots gun sadly] I think I'm getting PTSD already.
Russian soldier: Младенец в десять часов!
Gary: Oh no you fucking don't.
[Gary shoots the Russian soldier in the fucking balls]
Russian soldier: BLYAT! Now I'm infertile!
[laugh track]
Russian soldier: Now I'm dying! Ahhhh… [falls and dies]
Gary: Cool, my first murder!
Soldier: Murder, amirite? Only legal in the war zone, baby! And I mean that literally.
Gary: I suddenly feel like going on a Russian killing spree.
[Gary gets shot in his knee; laugh track]
Gary: Ouch. I wanted to be a Russian murderer, but then I took an arrow to the knee.
[Gary collapses and gets shot in the balls; laugh track]
Gary: a
[Very loud laugh track and applause. Cut back to Jess and Pluto at Peppa Pig World, where they are waiting in line for the Daddy Pig ride.]
Pluto: …Jess, this line is longer than Evil Kelpy G’s-
Jess: I DON’T CARE! WE ARE GOING TO RIDE DADDY PIG NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES!
[Laugh track. Pause.]
Pluto: …this is a big line just for Daddy Pig.
Jess: Yeah, well he’s a famous man-
[The Daddy Pig ride explodes. Laugh track.]
Jess: NOOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL, DADDY PIG!
Pluto: (facepalms and pretends to be sad) Oh no! The ride just magically blew up! What a shame, what a shame! Now we won’t be able to go on the ride! Ugh, I’m sorry wifey.
Jess: We should go somewhere else.
Pluto: Like?
Jess: Like… um.
[Jess looks around. She spots a sign reading “DADDY PIG’S PIZZA”.]
Jess: OH MY GOD HUBBY, LOOK! IT’S DADDY PIG’S PIZZA!
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: oh my god you gotta be kidding me
Jess: WE HAVE TO GO! NOW!
Pluto: …I don’t have a choice here, do I?
[Cut to Purple talking to Woof]
Woof: Purple, she’s 14.
Purple: Well if I was 21 she would be 18!
[The camera pans to PoopFan]
PoopFan: (sighs) It sure is sad to see a fellow racist go down a path of pedophilia.
[Laugh track.]
Purple: I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!
Mr. Renaud: What’s wrong with being a pedophile?
[Laugh track; cut back to Gary injured]
Gary: [in fetal position] God the only way to stop the pain is to get into the same position I was as a fetus. How tables have turned.
[Laugh track.]
Gary: (wipes tears) Welp, guess I better say my last words to my parents.
[Gary takes out his piPhone X Pro Deluxe & Knuckles and phones Jess and Pluto. Cut to them sitting in the Daddy Pid Pizzeria.]
Jess: (answers phone) Hello?
Gary: MY BALLS!
[Laugh track.]
Jess: What?
Gary: MY BALLS! THEY’VE GONE!
Pluto: What’s the matter, wifey?
Jess: I think Gary’s having his first orgasm.
Gary: NO! THE RUSSIANS! THEY SHOT MY BALLS! MY BALLS ARE GONE!
[Laugh track because balls are hilarious.]
Pluto: Oof. Do you know if Dan still has Zoltan’s balls from when he was castrated?
Gary: MY BALLS HAVE FUCKING GONE! I’M GONNA DIE!
[Pause.]
Gary: no wait, false alarm i’m still alive. BUT I STILL DON’T HAVE MY BALLS!
Jess: Looks like we won't be getting any grandchildren from Gary. Plus he's basically a woman now, it was only a matter of time I guess.
Pluto: Gary congrats on coming out!
[laugh track]
Gary: I am NOT a girl! I am a MAN!
Pluto: Well yeah why else do you think you were drafted into the war?
[Laugh track]
Gary: You guys are REALLY awfully calm seeing as your son’s balls have just done a Suzy Sheep!
Jess: Eh, I was only worried about you dying. I don’t care if you’re trans or not.
Gary: I AM NOT TRANS!
[Suddenly, another Russian soldier turns to Gary]
Timothy Peppermint: WHO’S TRANS?! (points gun)
[Laugh track]
Gary: Sorry mum, dad, I love you but I gotta go.
Jess: Bye-e!
Pluto: Sorry about your balls!
[Laugh track; Jarvis Zagna enters the place. The audience applauds and cheers.]
Jarvis: Woah, Jess and Pluto from the hit TV show Full Server? Why are you here?
Pluto: Woah, famous Italian rugby player Jarvis Zagna! Why are you here?
Jarvis: I like Peppa Pig.
[Laugh track]
Jarvis: Now I asked first, no?
Jess: Oh, sorry. I think we’re on some sort of date.
Pluto: No, we are just spending time together without Gary.
Jarvis: Oh okay.
Jess: It is sure nice to know that you are now considered a recurring character, Jarvis.
Jarvis: It feels great.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: Wait, if Jarvis is the father of CartoonGuy, then who is PoopFan?
Jess: I… don’t know…
Jarvis: PoopFan? I’ve never heard of a “PoopFan”.
[Cut back to Gary]
Gary: (sighs) I think there's only one choice I can make. I have to leave Ukraine with PTSD.
Soldier: C’mon Gary baby, and once again I mean that literally, you gotta work through the pain! That’s how a real soldier does it!
Gary: Well maybe I’m not a real soldier. I literally lost my balls earlier.
[Laugh track]
Soldier: Man, I hate when that happens. [puts his hand of Gary’s shoulder] You were a good soldier Gary. Maybe… one day, when the war is over we can meet up together again and be frien-
[A Russian soldier shoots the soldier and he fucking dies. Laugh track.]
Gary: OH MY GOD! SERGIY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Cut to Gary slowly walking off into the sunset, still feeling the pain in his crotch.]
Gary: Ouch… ouch.
[A couple of other soldiers watch Gary walking off, still mourning the guy who just died.]
Soldier: [sheds tear] Maybe I should get my balls shot off too. [taps on another soldier’s shoulder] Hey Kyle-
Kyle: No.
[laugh track. Cut to Gary back on a plane, contemplating his life up to this point.]
Gary: Am I even a real boy anymore if I lost my balls?
Pinocchio: Hey it’s not so bad man. Look at me. People say I’m not a real boy all the time and I get over it.
Gary: Well, are you a real boy?
Pinocchio: [sighs] No.
[laugh track]
Gary: Looks like we both have problems we need to sort out.
Pinocchio: Yeah. Glad I don’t have real skin lmaoooooo.
Gary: Okay no need to rub it in.
Pinocchio: I mean wood lasts for several thousand years, you ever think of that? I have the whole wood- I mean world, to see.
[the plane finally lands and everyone starts getting off.]
Gary: …no I have never thought of that. Fuck now I’m having an existential crisis and I’m not even a month old yet.
[laugh track because suffering is funny. Several hours later, Gary finally arrives back at the Full Server house. He rings the doorbell and is greeted by his parents.]
Gary: (awkwardly shrugs) Hiiiiii mum.
[Pause.]
Jess: [jumping for joy] Gary! You’re back!
[Jess comes up to Gary and hugs him, almost suffocating him]
Gary: My nonexistent balls!
[Laugh track]
Jess: [lets go] Oh right, sorry. So, how did it go?
Gary: What do you think? All I did was kill a few Russians and then I took a bullet to my balls.
[laugh track]
Pluto: Well as long as this doesn’t turn you lesbian, it’s fine with me.
Gary: I’m a boy, dad.
Pluto: Hey, never say never. The lesbianator curse is extremely powerful.
Jess: Well it hasn’t worked on me.
Pluto: ‘‘yet‘‘.
[laugh track]
Jess: Well, we have some good news for you Gary.
Gary: Good news? Finally after all this time.
Jess: We’re having another baby!
Gary: WHAT THE FUCK?! YOU’RE REPLACING ME!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Well, not exactly-
Pluto: We just got a little bored while you were gone, that’s all!
[Laugh track]
Gary: I’m not even a month old yet and you’re having another already?
Pluto: Hey, at least you’ll have a new playmate!
Jess: If he’s a boy, we’re gonna call him Gary 2!
Pluto: And if she’s a girl, we’re gonna call her Gaby!
Gary: Wait, that’s just my name but with a B instead of an R.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Yeah, we’re not that good at picking names. Damn, there’s so much to look forward to lately. Oh wait, I’ve just realized! The second Sonic Movie comes out soon!
Pluto: I think you should have her on Sonic Day.
Jess: …
[Laugh track]
Pluto: What?! What did I do?
Jess: You realize I can’t choose when I give birth, right?
Pluto: At this point, choice is an illusion.
[Laugh track]
Jess: As much as I want Gaby to be born on Sonic Day, I don’t think it’s possible. Most of the Full Server people have kids within 5 minutes.
Pluto: Imagine if that was how the real world worked.
Jess: [shudders] I will not imagine.
Gary: Can we just get to the point that MY TESTICLES ARE MISSING??
Pluto: What do you want us to do, patch them up with duct tape or something?
Gary: No, I mean they got obliterated.
Pluto: They just wanted to spawn kill my grandchildren.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Maybe we should call a doctor.
[Mike appears with a toothbrush mustache]
Mike: DID SOMEONE SAY DOCTOR?
Pluto: Sorry Mike, but we want a real doctor.
Mike: die
[Laugh track; Mike walks out of the room]
Pluto: So who are we going to call?
Gary: GHOSTBUSTERS!
[Laugh track]
Jess: Dr. Pig?
Pluto: But I am Dr. Pig.
Jess: What.
[Laugh track]
Pluto: I have a doctor pig costume.
Jess: I see.
Gary: balls
[Laugh track]
Jess: Oh right, well I guess we have to choose the most qualified person.
[Jess calls up Dr. Brown Bear]
Jess: Hi Dr. Brown Bear, our son lost his testicles.
Dr. Brown Bear: what
Jess: Our son lost his testicles.
Dr. Brown Bear: what
Jess: what
[Dr. Brown Bear hangs up]
Jess: Well Gary, it looks like you will remain nutless.
[Mike walks back]
Mike: Wait, before I go, do you want to sign Gary up for camp?
Pluto: What kind of camp?
Mike: Mein Camp.
Jess: Seems like a good idea!
Pluto: That sounds…
Mike: It’s ein Angry Birds NFT Summer Camp.
Jess: Oh, you ruined it.
Mike: God damn it.
[Laugh track; Zoltan’s Mum and Scatman enter]
Zoltan’s Mum: I have an onlyfans.
[Laugh track]
Scatman: Skibidiskapkpaddpkwdapkadwspkfwkaspkfwakpfwpkakpwfapkfwakpfawkpkpawfuh.
[Laugh track]
Dan: That’s what I say when I see Lola Bunny.
[Laugh track]
Jess: Well, now that I’m pregnant I will be sleeping.
Pluto: Bye, Jess.
[Purple appears]
Purple: The age of consent is too high.
[Extra loud laugh track because pedophilia is A level comedy]
Woof: Nonce.
Zoltan: At least he wasn’t racist this time, like me.
PoopFan: What’s wrong with racism?
CartoonGuy: PoopFan, you are not being very PC right now.
PoopFan: I am not a computer. Wait, why do you call me PoopFan instead of dad?
CartoonGuy: Because my real father is Jarvis Zagna, and you just adopted me.
PoopFan: wait i was going to tell you that when you turned 16
SpongeFun: Dis is kite internetesting, eye shore am internetested to see how it reeeesolves in da next episoap.
PoopFan: wait wu-
[End credits roll]
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