The Computer Wore Menace Shoes/Quotes

:[After Lisa sets up his computer, Homer goes on the Internet and visits the Springfield Police Department website. An image of Chief Wiggum's face appears on the screen.]
:Wiggum: [on-screen] If you've committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.
:[Homer clicks "No".]
:Wiggum: You have chosen 'No', meaning that you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. [An image of a paddy wagon with a flashing siren appears in the corner of the screen.]
:Homer: [indignantly] Hey!!
:Wiggum: While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt. [Images of the items with the SPD logo appear, surrounding Wiggum's face.] You have the right to remain fabulous! [The flashing words "NOW 80% OFF" appear on the screen.]
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:Homer: No one can silence me but me!
:Fake Homer: That arranged can be.
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:Moe: Well, if Mr. X were here right now. I'd buy him a tall frosty.
:Homer: Hey, Moe. Can you keep a secret?
:Moe: No.
:Homer: Not even a little one?
:Moe: No!
:Homer: What if I just whisper it?
:Moe: No, I tells ya!
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:Homer: Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now, or I want them eventually!
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:Lisa: Well, you can't post news if you don't have any.
:Homer: That's a great idea! I'll just make up some news!
:Lisa: Ugh, at least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that!
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:(Mr. X reports that Apu's bagels are really old donuts)
:Chief Wiggum: In the interests of public safety, we have confiscated every donut, bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city. And some coffee. (He takes a sip of coffee from a foam cup on the lectern.)
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:Leader: As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door right about now.
:Homer: (Taking his face out of ice cream with needles sticking out) I'm sorry, what?
:(Next scene at the Simpson house)
:Marge: Homie!
:Fake Homer: (Speaking with a German accent) Marge, honey, Fraulein, I'm home!
:Marge: You're not my husband!
:Fake Homer: Ja, please forgive my unexplained two week absence. To make it up to you we will go out to dinner at a sensibly-priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex.
:Marge: Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.
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:Skinner: Our mayor’s corrupted. Mr. X has done this town a great service, despite his poor grammar and spelling.
:Agnes: (Off-screen) Seymour, are you looking at naked ladies?
:Skinner: (calmly) No, mother.
:Agnes: You sissy.
Comic Book Guy: (looking at computer) Let's see here: "X-Rated Girls", already bookmarked, "Dial X for Sex"..."Mr. X"? Hmm. Should I cross the final frontier? 
(Mr. X page loads)
Comic Book Guy: What's this? (clicks on "Quimby's Dirty Pool" link) Stolen funds? Pothole money used for swimming pool? There's no emoticon for what I'm feeling!
es:The Computer Wore Menace Shoes/Frases