Episode 208: The Cameo Show/transcript

==Cold open==
 	Bobo approaches Arsenio, star-struck.
Bobo 	Ohh, I can't believe it! Arsenio Hall, my favorite comedian! (shakes hands)
Arsenio	Hello, Bobo. Very good handshake.
Bobo 	Oh, thank you. (does Arsenio's “woof-woof” cheer, laughs) Hey, Arsenio, do me a favor, huh? Let me hear one of your “things that make you go hmmmm …” Huh?
Arsenio	That's very flattering, Bobo, but I'm moving on. That's behind me now.
Bobo 	Oh, really? Oh. Oh, you're doing kids' parties, huh?
Arsenio	That's funny, Bobo. Actually, tonight I'm playing the clown in the opera Pagliacci.
Bobo 	Oh.
Arsenio	And I'll be singing the aria, Vesti La Giubba.
Bobo 	Oh, wow.
Arsenio	Check this out, Bobo, just chill.
Bobo 	Okay. Yeah.
Arsenio	(sings a passage, then sneezes and coughs) Oh, I'm sorry, this cold is kicking my behind.
Bobo 	Oh, man, you've got it bad, huh? Hey, wait, look, I got somethin' for you.
Arsenio	What you got?
Bobo 	Here you go. Check this stuff out. (hands him a bottle)
Arsenio	I never heard of this. BearQuil?
Bobo 	Yeah, it's good stuff. My whole family uses it, trust me.
 	Arsenio pours some into the cup-lid and takes a drink.
Bobo 	Yeah. Yeah. It's the snorting, sneezing, kick-your-behind-till-you-hibernate medicine.
 	Arsenio starts to quiver, then babbles violently as Bobo watches.
Bobo 	Yeah. It's kickin' in. Here it goes, hittin' the lips. (laughs) There we go. Yep. Yeah, no, you got it. (laughs)
 	Arsenio staggers to the piano, plays a few notes from Chopin's “Funeral March”, stiffens up, then collapses over the couch.
Bobo 	Yeah. There you go — ooh. Ooh. (laughs) It's workin'.
==Theme==
	Patrons trample into the Muppet Theater. Clifford sings the theme song while wandering through the dressing room to the control room to the stage, as Jowls whistles. Clifford reaches the stage, goes to a wall and throws a switch which lights up the show's title.
==Backstage==
 	Bobo still reacts to Arsenio's collapse, when Clifford, Rizzo, Dr. Bunsen and Beaker enter.
Bobo 	(laughing) Oh, that's hysterical, Arsenio!
Rizzo 	Hey, yo, Arsenio!
Dr. Bunsen 	Woof-woof!
Beaker 	Woo-woo!
Clifford 	Hey. Hey, what's goin' on?
Dr. Bunsen 	(gasps)
Clifford 	Bobo, what did you do to Arsenio?
Bobo 	Oh, oh, y-you you missed it. Arsenio just did this great bit, where he dresses up like a clown, and then he takes a sip of my BearQuil there, and, and pretends like he's, you know, he's poisoned, you know –– (imitates gagging)
Rizzo 	So just exactly how much of that BearQuil did you give him?
Bobo 	Oh, I just gave him a, you know, a regular dosage, you know, it's only …
Dr. Bunsen 	(reads the bottle) Well, that is the prescribed amount for a 500-pound bear!
Bobo 	Yeah, yeah.
Clifford 	(feels Arsenio's pulse) Oh, man, Bobo! He's dead! Your BearQuil killed him!
Bobo 	(in disbelief) You're kidding me. I've been, I've been using that stuff for … for six months and, I feel like I'm ––
 	He grabs his chest, writhes, and collapses. The gang gasps.
Clifford 	Bobo!
Bobo 	(gets back up) I gotcha! (laughs) I gotcha! I got –– ahem. Sorry, it's the grief talkin'.
Clifford 	Aw, man. We got two minutes till the show, our guest star is dead, I'm freakin' out here! I'm vapor lockin'! I'm - I'm -
Rizzo 	(smacks him) Clifford! Snap out of it, buddy! Look, I've got a plan. First we dump this body in the basement, and then we find a new guest star.
Dr. Bunsen 	Oh, well, um — ah! Beaker does a rather convincing impersonation of Little Richard.
Rizzo 	Oh.
Clifford 	Really?
 	Beaker sits at the piano and dons a wig. He turns around, revealing himself to be the real Little Richard.
Dr. Bunsen 	Watch this...
Clifford 	Mm-hm.
Little Richard	(meeps)
Clifford 	Aw, good try, Beaker, but that is the worst impersonation of Little Richard I've ever seen.
Little Richard	(reacts sadly)
Clifford 	Oh, man, we've got to find somebody who can get us a guest star. Somebody with decades of experience, somebody with the wisdom of Solomon and the vision of DaVinci and the brilliance of Einstein.
Dr. Bunsen 	Well, there's only one person who could fit that bill.
Rizzo 	(holds the receiver) And I've got her on the phone!
Clifford 	You mean …
Rizzo 	Yes!
All 	Kathy Ireland!
 	In the middle of shooting a workout video with extras, Kathy receives a phone call.
Kathy 	(exercising) Three … four … (her phone rings) Whoops! Be right back, guys. (answers) Hello?
Rizzo 	Hey, Kathy, we got real trouble here.
Kathy 	Let me guess, you killed your guest star.
Rizzo 	Boy, are you good.
Clifford 	So what would you do to get a guest star, Kathy?
Kathy 	(sigh) Gosh, if I needed a guest star, I'd try sitting poolside in a bikini.
Dr. Bunsen 	Ooh, excellent idea. Beakie and I will get right on it. (they exit)
Clifford 	What if that doesn't work?
Kathy 	Well, you know, there is one more thing you could try, but it's a long shot. You'd need a lovable, talking bear.
Bobo 	Oh, no. Ohh, that's going to be tough. Talking bear? Huh, they're hard to find.
Rizzo 	Oh, pipe down, lovable talking bear. We gotta think here.
Clifford 	Yeah.
Bobo 	Oh! Wait a minute. That's it. I'll, uh, I'll go get Fozzie.
Kathy 	Wait, wait, wait. Use the bear that you've got right there. Bobo, you go out on the street and get a guest star.
Bobo 	Oh, aye aye, peaches.
Clifford 	Wait, wait, wait. Bobo killed our last guest star.
Kathy 	That's good! This will give him a chance to redeem himself.
Bobo 	Hey, good character arc.
Kathy 	Oh – gotta go. Time to abdominize!
 	She hangs up, then notices Rizzo exercising in workout wear.
Kathy 	What are you doing here?
Rizzo 	Huh? Oh, I jumped the split screen. I need buns of steel by Friday. Heh!
Kathy 	(shoves him) Get outta here!
==Show open / Johnny's Pasta Playhouse==
 	Open on a swimming pool at a mansion. Statler and Waldorf sit at a table with three babes in bikinis, watching the show on a portable TV. On the show, Clifford takes the stage.
Clifford 	He-he-hey! Welcome to Muppets Tonight. I'm your host, Clifford. (applause) That's right. Give it up. I know I have. Due to a slight guest star situation, Muppets Tonight has been pre-empted…
Statler & Waldorf 	Yay!
Clifford 	I'm not finished.
Statler & Waldorf 	Awwww.
Clifford 	… until we get a new guest star. In the meantime, here's a word from one of our sponsors. Let's take a look.
 	Switch to a commercial. Johnny appears in a gallant auditorium setting covered with red curtains. Pan across to show several guests sitting in chairs, others gathered around a food cart as Sal waits on customers.
Johnny 	Hello, I'm Johnny Fiama. How many times have you been watchin' a play, and by the second act, you're thinkin', “Boy, could I go for a nice plate of baked ziti right now!” Well, when you're at Johnny Fiama's Pasta Playhouse, we don't wait for the second act, 'cause when a curtain comes up, so does your food. … Sal, that don't sound right to me.
Sal 	No, that's the way you wrote it, Johnny.
Johnny 	Really?
Sal 	(shrugs) Yeah.
Johnny 	(shrugs) All right. (walks off)
Sal 	(follows him) Oh, Johnny, I think I burned the Strombolis.
 	Johnny narrates as we see Dr. Phil and Mulch acting onstage.
Johnny 	(narrating) And don't forget, all this week, live on stage, it's The Odd Couple, starring Tales from the Vet’s very own Dr. Phil van Neuter and Mulch.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Gravy? Oscar, where am I gonna get gravy at eight o'clock?
Mulch 	(gestures)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	No, it doesn't just come when you cook the meat! Where do you come up with these ideas?
Mulch 	(gestures)
Johnny 	(narrating) Enjoy the witty dialog of America's poet lariat, Neil Simon, as your food is brought right to your seat, pipin' hot.
 	Sal carries a plate and hands it to a customer in the aisle; the scalding plate gets passed across the row to the end.
Sal 	Baked ziti, comin' through. Watch it, watch it, it's very very hot.
Customer (BB) 	Alright. (screams)
 	The other customers yelp as the hot plate gets passed to the old lady at the end of the row.
Customer (LCR) 	Hey! There's monkey hair in my ziti!
Sal 	Quiet! It's good for you! It's fiber! Now shhh!
 	Switch to later. The audience is talking loudly during the play.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh, Oscar! What am I going to do? The Pigeon sisters will be here any moment!
Mulch 	(grunts, points to ear)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Of course you can't hear what I'm saying! That's because nobody will listen while we're trying to perform!
 	A meatball gets thrown in his face.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Ow! Ow! Oh, oh … alright! Who threw that meatball?
Mulch 	(grunts)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Yes, I know I'm breaking character! But I'm not uttering another syllable till whoever threw that meatball comes forward!
 	Zelda Rose stands up.
Zelda Rose 	Ahem.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Mother?! How could you??
 	He makes a dramatic exit.
Customer (SW) 	You've got good form there, lady.
 	Switch to later…
Johnny 	So remember, when you come to Johnny Fiama's Pasta Playhouse – Paul?
 	The piano plays as he sings.
Johnny 	
♪ Pile on the food and howl at the laughter,
♪ Stuffin' your face from now here thereafter,
♪ Oh, what a place –– Johnny's Pasta Playhouse!
 	An explosion is heard, and Sal runs out of the smoky kitchen, screaming, driving everyone away.
Sal 	GREASE FIRE IN THE KITCHEN!!
Johnny 	Huh?
Sal 	RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! RUN! SAVE YOURSELF, JOHNNY!
Johnny 	Save mysel- no, no! Save the prosciutto! Save the prosciutto!
Sal 	THE PROSCIUTTO! THE PROSCIUTTO!
Johnny 	Save the prosciutto!
==Backstage: Hiding the Body==
 	Clifford, Rizzo and Zippity Zap carry Arsenio's body wrapped in a rug.
Rizzo 	(grunting) Hey, Clifford, this guest star weighs a ton! Maybe we really don't need to drag him all the way to the basement.
Clifford 	Well, what do you usually do with a dead body?
Rizzo 	I'm a rat. You don't wanna know.
 	Kermit gets off the elevator with Christopher Darden and two cops.
Kermit 	Hi, guys.
Clifford 	Huh?
Kermit 	I'd like you to meet Chris Darden and two of LA's finest. I'm just giving 'em a little backstage tour.
Christopher Darden 	Hey, Clifford, good to meet you.
Clifford 	(laughing nervously) Well, look who it is! It's Chris Darden!
 	Rizzo and Zippity laugh nervously.
Christopher Darden 	So, what do you have in the bag? A dead body?
 	Rizzo and Clifford laugh.
Rizzo 	Uh, yeah … we killed the guest star.
Clifford 	Yeah, yeah!
Christopher Darden 	Make sure you get him into the freezer before he goes bad.
Rizzo 	(bursts out laughing)
Clifford 	“Goes bad!” He goes bad!
Rizzo 	You know, Mr. Darden, can I just say somethin' here? I think you should have your own show, I really mean that.
Christopher Darden 	(serious) No, really … what's in the bag?
Rizzo 	Do you have a warrant?
Christopher Darden 	No.
Rizzo 	Then it's Arsenio Hall!
 	They burst out laughing again, then start carrying the body away, leaving Kermit with Chris and the cops.
Rizzo 	Arsenio Hall!
Clifford 	It's Jay Leno! Well, listen, we gotta get going. Oh, but it was really nice to meet you, Mr. Darden!
Rizzo 	So long!
Clifford 	Come on …
Zippity Zap 	(mumbles)
Kermit 	Okay. Uh, come on, guys, I'll give you that tour of the studio now. (they follow him)
Christopher Darden 	Sounds great. So where was I anyway? All throughout the trial, it was nothing but “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”
 	Meanwhile, the three get tired and store the body in the closet.
Rizzo 	(grunts) Oh, Clifford, my arms is gettin' tired. Can we just put Mr. Hall in the closet till we think of somethin'?
Clifford 	Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right. Don't you think this whole thing is kinda weird?
Rizzo 	Weird? Nah, this is just slightly bizarre. You want weird? I can tell ya weird stories.
Clifford 	Never mind. Now let's put him down, nice and easy.
Rizzo 	Okay. (thud) Oof!
Zippity Zap 	(laughing) Oh, man, I dropped him on his head!
Rizzo 	Ha ha! Yeah! It wasn't nice, but it was easy!
Clifford 	Hey, that's not funny. Come on, let's go, let's go!
Rizzo 	Okay, okay. After you.
 	They all leave the closet, not knowing that Dr. Phil and Mulch have been spying on them.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Okay, come on, Mulch -
 	They duck away while Rizzo shuts the closet and tiptoes away. Mulch opens the closet and grabs the body.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Okay. Come on. Come on. Come on. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Go get him. Hurry up! Oh! Finally, Mulch, the moment of triumph of our careers. We will bring back to life Arsenio Hall, in front of millions and millions of viewers!
Mulch 	(growls)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Oh, all right. Maybe a couple hundred. Come on. Come on.
 	They carry the body away.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Straight back to the lab, Mulch! Oh, our great Uncle Frankenstein would be so proud!
 	Clifford, Rizzo and Zippity re-convene at the exit doors.
Clifford 	Alright. Arsenio is tucked away safe and sound, and it's just our little secret, right, boys?
Rizzo 	Sure.
Zippity Zap 	No problem.
Clifford 	Wait a minute. How can you guys be so calm about all this? You act like you've done this kind of thing before!
Rizzo 	… I have no comment at this time on the advice of my attorney on the grounds that it might incriminate me.
Zippity Zap 	Ditto.
Clifford 	Alright, well, just remember, it's our little secret.
Rizzo 	Sure. No problem. Now, the main order of business is just to find a new guest star.
 	Behind their backs, Dr. Phil and Mulch pass them, carrying the body.
Zippity Zap 	Yeah, wonder how Bobo's doin' out there.
Rizzo 	Heh! I don't know.
 	They walk off.
==Guest star search==
 	Bobo stands outside the Tonight Show studio building, barking the open position.
Bobo 	Muppets Tonight! Hey, we're looking for guest stars! Line up over here please. Muppets Tonight! Lookin' for guest stars…
Jay Leno	Excuse me. Excuse me.
Bobo 	Yeah?
Jay Leno	(cocky) I, uh, couldn't help but overhear, you're looking for a guest star, and I thought, uh, maybe I can help.
Bobo 	Oh, that's great. You're just the guy I'm looking for.
Jay Leno	Hey, least I can do. I love the Muppets.
Bobo 	Yeah, great. Okay, so here - here's the plan. Uh, I'll stay here, and uh, you work the other side of the street there. Okay? Alrighty. Hey, Muppets Tonight! Looking for guest stars!
Jay Leno	(aside) Must be a big Koppel fan.
Bobo 	Muppets Tonight!
==E.I.E.I.O.R.==
 	Open on a hospital hallway, where a bandaged patient and a frog in a wheelchair scramble to get into the operating room, where Nurse Fozzie approaches a horse.
A. Ligator	And now for another dose of barnyard drama, on E.I.E.I.O.R.
Fozzie 	Wocka wocka wocka! Alright, what is wrong with you?
Horse (BH)	I'm a little hoarse.
Fozzie 	Nonsense! You look plenty big to me. (honks his horn)
 	Nearby, Dr. Payne handles a bedridden pig patient.
Dr. Payne 	Alright, now you just relax while I take your blood pressure.
Pig (BB) 	Thank you, doctor.
Dr. Payne 	(starts pumping) Mm-hm. There we go.
 	He answers the phone and keeps pumping, not noticing the patient beginning to inflate.
Dr. Payne 	Oh – hello. Dr. Payne. … Yes. Hi, darling.
Pig (BB) 	Dr. Payne?
Dr. Payne 	Yes, dear. … I thought you bought that Saturday.
Pig (BB) 	Dr. Payne?
 	Meanwhile, Fozzie addresses a bedridden dog patient.
Fozzie 	Alright now, tell me, what is the last thing that you remember?
Dog (KC) 	The last thing I remember you asking me what's the last thing I remember.
Fozzie 	Hey, that's right!
Dog (KC) 	Am I cured?
Fozzie 	Nope! (honk!) Sorry! We only cure hams. Wocka wocka!
Dog (KC) 	Well, then I guess there's hope for you!
Fozzie 	Oh! (honk honk!)
 	Meanwhile, Dr. Payne is still on the phone, still pumping the patient full of air, causing him to float upwards.
Dr. Payne 	But honey pie - I'm sorry. I had no idea. I just –
Fozzie 	(looks up) Now, that's what I call high blood pressure! (honk!)
 	Switch to another scene of Fozzie attending to a cow on a stretcher.
A. Ligator	Join us next time for another annoying episode of E.I.E.I.O.R., when you'll hear Dr. Fozzie say …
Fozzie 	Well - (honk) I think we've milked this bit for all it's worth.
Cow (JN) 	Booooo.
Fozzie 	Wait a second! I thought cows said “moo”!
Cow (JN) 	Not after that joke! Wocka wocka!
Fozzie 	Hey, that's my line!
Cow (JN) 	Aaaahhh.
Fozzie 	(honk honk!)
==Tales from the Vet==
 	At the switchboard, Nigel gets a back massage from Eugene the weasel. Pepe approaches with his coffee order.
Pepe 	Here are your coffees. Just like you like it, nice and strong – I hope you're wearing a seatbelt. (laughs)
Nigel 	(gets worked up) I don't have time for that now! In case you haven't noticed, I HAVE NOTHING ON THE AIR!! NOTHING!!
Pepe 	Oh, well, maybe you should cue Tales from the Vet.
Nigel 	Why??
Pepe 	Well, because, it's scheduled to be on now, and everyone's on stage.
Nigel 	(calms down) … Good idea. Cue Tales from the Vet.
 	He switches to the show: the camera goes down a dark, misty hallway, entering Dr. Phil's lab.
A. Ligator 	Now it's time for another episode of Tales from the Vet.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	(pops up) Hey-hee-hi-ho-YOU! Scared you, didn't I? Yes, always. Welcome to a very, very special edition of TALES FROM THE VET!! (switch to B-cam) Tonight, I, Dr. Phil van Neuter, will miraculously bring back to life, dead tissue! Mulch!
 	Mulch emerges with a kleenex box. Phil knocks it away.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	No, no, no, not that kind of tissue, Mulch! Human tissue. Go, go, go, get outta here. (Mulch exits) Watch your mouth. What I'm talking about, is reanimating a HUMAN BEING, and a celebrity at that. May I present, the lifeless body, of the one, the only, America's favorite funny man, Mr. Arsenio Hall!
 	He removes the sheet from the operating table, revealing Arsenio lying there on it. The audience applauds as Arsenio's theme plays.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Yes, yes! Give it up! Give it up!
 	He does Arsenio's cheer with Mulch. Clifford and Rizzo see this on the TV backstage.
Clifford 	Arsenio? What's he doing out on stage? Rizzo, did anybody lock the closet?
Rizzo 	Uh, Zippity, uh, Clifford here would like to know why you didn't lock the closet!
Zippity Zap 	I wasn't supposed to lock the closet. You were!
Rizzo 	No, no, I distinctly remember him telling you!
Zippity Zap 	No, no, I distinctly remember Clifford telling you! He said that Riz—
Rizzo 	Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
 	Back in the lab…
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Yes! And with the help of our magnetic re-vibifier, Mr. Hall will be back on his feet, good as new! Alright, Mulch …
Mulch 	Huh?
Dr. Phil van Neuter	17,000 volts should be just about enough electricity to gently wake Mr. Hall from his untimely sleep, shall we say.
Mulch 	(gestures “No – higher!”)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Okay! We'll round it out to an even 50,000 volts! That oughtta make him sit up and go “woof woof woof”!
Mulch 	“Woof woof woof”! (turns dials on the re-vibifier)
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Ready!
Mulch 	(yelps)
 	Phil throws the switch, which causes Arsenio to quickly sit up and go “woof!” but then he quickly goes back down.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Yes! Yes, that's one woof! Two more woofs and we're in business! Let's crank this thing up to 100,000 volts! Okay …
 	Mulch turns up the dials and gives the okay.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Clear!
 	He throws the switch, which sends Arsenio flying upward through the ceiling. Dr. Phil and Mulch celebrate.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
 	Meanwhile, backstage…
Clifford 	Aw, no.
Zippity Zap 	Aw, that ain't good.
Rizzo 	Well, look at this way, Clifford: things are lookin' up.
Clifford 	Yeah, way up.
Zippity Zap 	Wouldn'ta happened if you'da locked the closet.
Rizzo 	I wasn't supposed to lock the closet, YOU WERE!
Zippity Zap 	Not me! It was your job!
Rizzo 	It was YOUR job!
 	The exchange continues.
Clifford 	Stop it!
==Guest star search cont'd==
 	Bobo talks on a payphone by the artists' entrance.
Bobo 	Listen, Clifford, I got some bad news and some really bad news. Well, the bad news is, I'm having no luck finding a guest star. Uh, the real bad news is, I don't think they deliver pizza to phone booths.
Jay Leno	(taps his shoulder) Hey! 'scuse me. 'scuse me.
Bobo 	Oh, uh, Clifford, look, I gotta run. I got a potential 911 here. (hangs up) Look, buddy, I don't think you want to mess with me. I'm a bear, you know.
 	Jay slaps him in the face back and forth.
Jay Leno	Do you know who I am? I'm a little upset about this, alright?
Bobo 	Yeah.
Jay Leno	Lemme give you a hint. I, uh, I host very popular talk show.
Bobo 	… Oh, you're Rosie!
 	Jay slaps him in the face back and forth.
Jay Leno	I'm not Rosie!
Bobo 	Uh …
Jay Leno	I'm on – I'm on every night. I'm on, tonight … uh, a tonight-type show.
Bobo 	Well, uh, look, pal. Uh, I know Jerry Springer. And you, sir, are no Jerry Springer.
 	Jay slaps him in the face back and forth.
Jay Leno	Ya moron …
==Backstage==
 	At the switchboard, Nigel panics as Eugene and Zippity Zap stand by.
Nigel 	CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD! CLIFFORD! Where's Kermit?
Clifford 	You got me. (leaves)
Nigel 	Well where's Arsenio Hall?
Dr. Phil van Neuter	(pops up) Well, his condition is stable.
Nigel 	Oh, so he's getting better.
Dr. Phil van Neuter	No, I said his condition is stable. He's still dead! (ducks away)
Nigel 	… All right. That's it. I've had enough. There's nothing on stage, this happens every week. I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!! (shakes Eugene) D'YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING?? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE, AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME! I'M QUITTING! I QUIT! I QUIT! I QUIT! D'YOU HEAR ME? THIS TIME I QUIT! GOOD RIDDANCE AND GOODBYE! I QUIT! (runs off)
Zippity Zap 	Okay. I'll take over. (speaks into mic) Get ready to cue The Real World: Muppets, and get me a double chocha with a zigzag.
 	Eugene nods and runs off. Nigel comes back and shoves Zippity aside.
Nigel 	Hey - that's my job.
 	Eugene comes back with the order.
Nigel 	Cue Real World and I'll have what he's having. Mm, thank you, Eugene.
==The Real World: Muppets==
 	The opening montage plays as each Muppet narrates.
Clifford 	(VO, seen sleeping in bed) This is the true story of five Muppets ...
Bobo 	(VO, seen shaving in front of a mirror) Picked to live in a house ...
Darci 	(VO, seen playing the guitar) And have their lives taped ...
Bill 	(VO, seen blowing bubbles) To find out what happens ...
Rizzo 	(VO, seen eating pizza) When Muppets stop being polite and start being real. The Real World: Muppets.
 	The confessional...
Clifford 	This week, I decided to call a roommate meeting to deal with all the recent complaints.
 	The meeting …
Rizzo 	Well, if no one else is gonna talk, I will.
Bill 	Good.
Rizzo 	Alright. First of all, I think we've all been living together here long enough … (looks at Bobo) for people to stop marking their territory.
Bobo 	Okay, alright. That would be me. I can't help it, you know? It's instinct.
Rizzo 	(fans his nose) Oh, yeah, it stinks, alright. Heh!
Bobo 	Won't happen again. D'oh … starting now.
 	The others react to the odor.
Clifford 	Oh, man, that's disgusting.
Bill 	It's enough to burn a bubble.
 	The confessional...
Darci 	Bobo is so … Bobo.
Clifford 	I decided to call another meeting to discuss a few more troubling issues.
 	The meeting …
Rizzo 	All right, #2, last week I made a point of labeling all of my food, but someone still keeps eating it anyway. It says Rizzo's Rat Chow, right on the boxes, and –– (notices Bobo) Hey, wait a second! That's one of them right there!
Bobo 	No, no, no. That's where you're wrong. If you look closely, it says “Bizzo's Rat Chow”. See?
 	Zoom in on the box, which has a “B” drawn over the “R” in “Rizzo's”.
Rizzo 	Yeah, but your name is not Bizzo. It's Bobo.
Bobo 	Not when I'm eatin' rat chow.
 	The confessional...
Darci 	Rizzo is so … Rizzo.
 	The meeting …
Rizzo 	Number 28 …
Bill 	Aw, brother!
Rizzo 	… in the middle of the night, someone keeps tipping over the trashcan and leaving fish guts all over the back porch.
 	They all look at Bobo.
Bobo 	Well – don't look at me. Sounds more like … Bizzo's work.
 	They shake their heads.
Clifford 	Aw man …
 	The confessional...
Darci 	Bizzo is so … Bobo.
 	The meeting …
Bill 	Who stole the detergent?
Bill 	(VO) Next week on Real World …
Bill 	(perks up) That was me.
Bobo 	You wipe your nose…
Deliveryman (BH)	Hello? Got a triple cheese pizza here for Rizzo the rat.
Bobo 	(takes it) No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's, that's Bizzo the bat.
Deliveryman (BH)	But uh, you're a bear.
Bobo 	Not when I'm eating cheese pizza.
Rizzo 	You're a dead bat, Bizzo.
 	Bobo whacks him with the pizza box and strolls away. Rizzo chases him.
Rizzo 	Hey! Come back with my…
==Guest star search cont'd==
 	Back at the mansion, Bunsen and Beaker lounge poolside.
Dr. Bunsen	(sigh) Well, Beakie, Kathy Ireland's first theory of guest star attraction is flawed. We've been out here in bikinis all day and no one's paid any attention to us.
 	Beaker notices a babe walk by. Statler and Waldorf sit next to them, still surrounded by babes.
Statler 	Maybe you should trade up to a one piece!
Waldorf 	Yeah! Worked for us!
 	They chuckle.
==Boarshead Revisited==
 	Howard is strapped into a weight-reducing machine, with an apple in his mouth. Carter shuts the doors.
A. Ligator	Muppet Classic Theater presents Howard Tubman in, Boarshead Revisited: Steam and Steamability.
Howard 	(muffled)
Carter 	Sir?
Howard 	(muffled)
Carter 	Sir?
Howard 	(spits out the apple) I said, get this apple out of my mouth.
Carter 	Oh, very good, sir.
Howard 	No, too late, too late, too late. Carter, are you sure that this steam cabinet will help me lose weight without having to exercise?
Carter 	Well, perhaps we should turn it on, sir.
Howard 	Yes, yes, yes. Well, turn it on, man.
Carter 	Hm, very good.
 	He turns the wheel and the machine starts to steam.
Howard 	Why is this taking so long?
Carter 	But sir, you've just got in.
Howard 	Well, I've gotta get out!
Carter 	What?
Howard 	I've gotta get out! The walls are closing in! I'm getting claustrophobic! (screams)
Carter 	Relax, sir, relax! Relax, sir.
Howard 	Relax?
Carter 	Breathe deeply. In … out …
Howard 	Yes, breathe … Oh, what good will this do? (inhales) Oh! (inhales) Oh! (inhales) Oh … yeah, hey, that's better. Yeah. Turn it up, Carter.
Carter 	Very good, sir. (cranks it further)
Howard 	Hey, that's nice. Yeah. Okay … there you go. I'm fine.
Carter 	It's reaching critical mass, sir!
Howard 	Yeah, well, so are my thighs! Do it, man, do it!
 	The machine explodes. When the steam clears, Howard's head is now bigger than his shriveled body.
Howard 	(coughs) Oh my! –– I'm no bigger than a cocktail weenie! I – hmm, cocktail weenie?
Carter 	Oh dear …
Howard 	Carter, fetch me some sauerkraut and mustard. I'm going to eat myself. (laughs)
Carter 	I believe the steam has cooked your brain, sir.
Howard 	Ohh, sweetbreads! I'll have them first. (laughs) Yes sirree … (hums)
==Finale==
 	Clifford frets backstage.
Clifford 	Aw, what are we gonna do? We got no guest star, nothing to put on stage. All right, that's it. I'm just going to go out there and tell the audience the truth.
Rizzo 	Clifford, Clifford! Beaker's out there doing his Little Richard impersonation.
Clifford 	Really? I could just kiss that meep-meep-meepin' little carrot top.
Rizzo 	Clifford, watch your meep-meep-meepin' language.
 	On stage, Little Richard performs “I Hear You Knockin'” accompanied by Animal and Zoot, with a big prop door being knocked on.
Clifford 	Boy, that Beaker does a great Little Richard, doesn't he, Beaker?
Beaker 	(meeps)
Clifford 	(gasp) Beaker?!?
 	Doglion, wearing a bow, breaks down the door.
Doglion 	Alright, that's it! Come to mama, you little stud muffin! And don't you play hard to get!
Little Richard	Good golly, Miss Molly! You looked different in daylight! (runs away)
Doglion 	(chases him) Ha ha ha! Come here, baby! Ha ha ha!
 	Applause.
Clifford 	Well, things worked out. I'ma go out and say goodnight, Nigel.
Kermit 	Wait a minute! Will somebody please tell me what happened to Arsenio Hall? I demand to know right this minute, what happened to Arsenio Hall?
 	Arsenio crashes through the roof and lands on the floor. He gets up, miffed.
Kermit 	Oh, there he is.
Arsenio 	Can I talk to you for a minute, please?
Kermit 	Uh, sure.
Arsenio 	Kermit, this place is crazy, man. I mean, first I get cold medicine from a bear, then some lunatic veterinarian shoots me 5000 feet into the air, and you know what? While I was up there, I could have swore I saw Chris Darden and Little Richard leaving the studio together.
Kermit 	Uh, well, they didn't actually leave together, they just left at the same time.
Arsenio 	And it was very weird. Look, I came to perform Pagliacci, and perform Pagliacci is what I plan to do!
Kermit 	Hmm. Uh, okay.
 	Arsenio picks up a bass drum, goes onstage, and starts the aria.
Clifford 	Well, at least he sounds like his cold is better.
Kermit 	Yeah, that's true.
Gonzo 	Hey, has anybody seen that bass drum that I filled with combustible C4 explosives?
Clifford 	Uh-oh …
 	BOOM! An explosion happens onstage.
Clifford 	Gonzo, why would you fill a bass drum with explosives?
Gonzo 	Uh, Clifford, everybody knows that when you keep explosives in a tuba, they get spit all over them.
 	A beat. They disperse.
Kermit 	Good point.
Clifford 	Yeah.
Gonzo 	That's what I thought.
==Guest star search wrap-up==
 	Jay talks to Bobo.
Jay Leno 	Look, I'm sorry about that little incident before, it's just – I can't believe you didn't recognize me. I'm Jay Leno, look, I host The Tonight Show, my picture's all over here.
 	He displays an image of his likeness on the wall behind them.
Bobo 	Sorry, it just doesn't ring a bell.
 	Jay slaps him in the face back and forth.
Bobo 	Oh, okay! Okay! Okay!
Jay Leno 	You're gonna push me too far!
Kevin Eubanks	Jay, Jay -
Jay Leno 	What?
Kevin Eubanks	'sup, man, they need you inside.
Bobo 	Wow! Kevin Eubanks!
Kevin Eubanks	Hey, how you doing?
Jay Leno 	Wait, you know him, but you don't know me?
Bobo 	Well, yeah, yeah. He's my favorite guitarist. Hey, I got all your CDs, Kevin.
Kevin Eubanks	Thanks, man.
Bobo 	You know, you'd be a perfect guest for Muppets Tonight!
Kevin Eubanks	I would?
Bobo 	Yeah!
Kevin Eubanks	That's cool. Jay …
Jay Leno 	What?
Kevin Eubanks	I'm not really feeling that good, man. You think I could just take tonight off?
Bobo 	Oh, oh, Kevin, hey, don't worry, I got some BearQuil. And that'll fix you right up, you know …
 	They walk away, leaving Jay behind.
Jay Leno 	(to the camera) It's going to be another one of those stupid HBO movies, I can tell! I see it comin'! (exits)
 	The credits roll, with outtakes of the cold open, Dr. Phil and Mulch in the closet, and Nigel in the control room.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppets Tonight Transcripts