Life of Pie/Transcript

The following is a transcript for the episode "Life of Pie".
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(Holly is hosting a class of how to bake pies in the Country Western style. Poppy is one of the students.)
Holly: Well, there’s the bell. Welcome to Pie 101… (She writes “y’all” on the chalk board.) … y’all! (The students cheer.) In the spirit of cross-cultural exploration, I thought I’d teach a little crash course on the time-honored Country tradition of pie bakin’. (She takes a pie out of a bug.)
All: Ooh!
Holly: Now, before I show you your first recipe, I’d like to say, “keep it simple.” Bakin’ ain’t supposed to be all complicated. The only thing that matters is that you let each pie express what’s in your heart.
All: Aw!
Holly: Yeah, I’d like to say that, but I can’t ‘cause it ain’t true.  (She kicks her board and it reveals a big recipe. The students gasp.)
Poppy: That’s some recipe.
Holly: Now get bakin’, y’all! Woo-hoo! (The students start baking their pies. Minuet is having trouble.)
Minuet: Um… Holly, I’m confused by Step 83 in the recipe.
Holly: Huh? (She looks at the recipe.) “Pour 5/8 of a half teaspoon of a 2 pound bag of flour into 8/9 of a 6th quart bowl.” What’s confusin’ ‘bout that?
Minuet: Uh… (Holly walks over to Demo who is mixing slowly.)
Holly: Demo, it says stir with love, not stir with general good will. Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go! (She goes over to Poppy who has finished baking her pie.)
Poppy: Well, Fun Fester Darlin’, I already finished with the first recipe. Do you want me to tackle the next one? (The chart shows a hard recipe.)
Holly: Oh, that? (chuckles) Oh, no, no. That’s just a personal recipe I noodled on from time to time. Can’t seem to crack the last ingredient myself, but it’s far to advanced for beginners. Like my mamma used to say- (She sees Branch walking by while carrying a fishing rod. He sees her board.)
Branch: Hm. (He writes Flavor Berries on the board.) There. All it needed was three teaspoons of minced Flavor Berries. Hm. Well, off to see of the fisher glittering. (Holly sees the Flavor Berries on the board.)
Holly: (gasps) Branch, come back! (Later, her class is over and Branch is sitting at a desk.) Branch, when it comes to pies, I’ve seen it all. I’ve seen Gigglefruit baked in a pie. Cherry Glo-matoes baked in a pie. Heck, I’ve even seen 4 and 20 black birds baked in a pie! But I have never seen raw talent like yours. You got to let me teach you how to hone your gift!
Branch: My gift? Nah. Baking was just one of my hobbies. You know, from back in my bunker-dwelling introvert days. I’m no serious baker.
Holly: Not yet, but with my help, you could be the greatest to ever put on an apron! (gasps) You could live out every pie maker’s dream!
Branch: Really? You think so?
Holly: Think so? Branch, this is Holly Darlin’ you’re talkin’ to. I know so.
Branch: Well, OK, then. In fact, yes. Count me in!
Holly: Woo-hoo! Well, rest up, sugar, ‘cause your trainin’ starts tomorrow bright ‘n early!
Branch: Great, great. Just, uh… uh… don’t make it too early. On Saturdays, I sleep in.
Holly: (giggles) Oh, of course. We can’t interfere with that now, can we? (She laughs again. Early the next morning, Branch is sleeping peacefully in his bed with Gary. Suddenly, Holly slowly appears from the side of his bed and bangs two pie pans together, waking him up.)
Branch: AAAAAAAHHH! (He falls off his bed with Gary.)
Holly: Mornin’, sugar! (Branch is heard groaning. Soon, he and Holly are searching for ingredients.)
Branch: (groans) Why am I not sleeping?
Holly: ‘Cause makin’ a great pie means gettin’ up early to pick the freshest ingredients. (She picks up a bush of Flavor Berries.)
Branch: (Fully awake) Oh. (A branch from the bush smacks him in the face.) Ow!
Holly: Hoo-whee! This one’s real fresh!
Branch: Ah! That really hurt!
Holly: Well, nobody ever said bakin’ is easy. (The bush’s branches pick up Branch and smack him several times.) You’re doin’ great! (Back at Branch’s bunker, she and Branch are looking at ingredients for pies. Branch is wearing a blindfold.) A true pie master doesn’t rely on their eyes. (She picks up an apple.) What do you smell?
Branch: An apple?
Holly: What kind?
Branch: Granny Troll apple.
Holly: From?!
Branch: North of the Quick Glitter pits.
Holly: Grown in?!
Branch: Deep soil with acidic PH is 6.5.
Holly: FAVORITE MUSIC?!
Branch: Contemporize listening with a memorable hook!
Holly: TRICK QUESTION! IT DOESN’T LISTEN TO MUSIC! IT’S JUST A FRUIT!
Branch: Gah! (He falls on the floor. As he and Holly make a pie, they sing Sweet Success.)
(Holly)
Add a little sugar and spice
Go on, measure it out
Mix it up just right
And ain’t no such thing
As too much butter
Well, there is, but check
The temperature and time
Baking is a perfect science
But I know the ratios
So I got you covered for
Sweet success
Just follow me
And everything
Will come out sweet
Sweet success
Make no mistake
When we’re all through
You’ll take the cake
That’s sweet success
Yeeee-haw!
(Holly and Branch)
Sweet success
Just follow me
And everything
Will come out sweet
Sweet success
Make no mistake
When we’re all through
You’ll take the cake
That’s sweet success
(Holly)
That’s right (Branch takes the pie out of the oven.)
Branch: Well, here it is. (Holly takes a sample of it and finds it very delicious. She imagines jumping out of the pie.)
Holly: Branch, this pie tastes like joy slathered in wonder and topped with a big ol’ dollar transcendence! I’m gonna go wrangle my class so they can taste this! (laughs) Get ready, Branch; your entire life is about to change!
Branch: Wait. (chuckles) Change? (stammers) How’s my life gonna change?
Holly: (chuckles) Oh, please! How is your life not gonna change? Once the public samples bakin’ of this caliber, burdles spread like wildfire, total strangers comin’ miles around just to watch you work! Heck, they’ll probably take you on a pie tour ‘round the whole gosh dang Troll world! Can I get a “woo-hoo”?!
Branch: Uh… Woo-hoo.
Holly: Wooooo-hooooo! (She runs off to get her class. Branch becomes nervous and stays still. Soon, Holly returns with her class.) All right, class, y’all wait here while I go fetch that pie. (The students cheer as she goes down the elevator.) OK, Branch, they’re all here and ready for a slice of that- (She sees that the pie is missing.) Huh? Hey, where’d the pie go?
Branch: The pie? Uh… Oh, yeah. I threw that away. (He wipes a jar.)
Holly: What?!
Branch: Oh, yeah. I thought about it and… the early hours, all that time slaving over a hot oven, it’s a lot of work, so… (He whistles and goes back to cleaning.)
Holly: A lot of work?! No, Branch. You cannot let a talent like yours go to waste. Now, where is the pie?!
Branch: I-I told you, I-I threw it away.
Holly: Hm. Nah! I don’t buy it. Would Trolly the Kid throw away his best hat before the Big Hugdown at the Better Than OK Corral?
Branch: Uh… I don’t understand that reference, so maybe…
Holly: He would not, Branch! (sniffs) Any more than you throw away that pie! (She sniffs again and finds the pie in Branch’s hair.) A-ha! Now, I don’t what’s gotten into you, Branch, but I am gonna show the world how terrific you are, whether you like it or not!
Branch: Oh, no, you’re not! ‘Cause this baker still has one more recipe up his sleeve. And it’s for a little dish called… (He takes out a tiny bag of flour.) … escape! (He throws the bag on the floor and after the flour disappears, he is gone. Holly coughs because she is covered in flour.)
Holly: Huh? (The pie she is holding disappears.) Huh? (Branch runs to the elevator with the pie.)
Branch: Ha! (As he goes up, Holly shakes the flour off. Outside, the students are cheering.)
Minuet: Here they come, friends! Ready thy pie holes! (She and the students take out forks and knives.)
All: Ah! (Branch appears and runs away.)
Branch: Whooooaaa! (Holly appears next.)
Holly: You bring that perfect pie back right now! (As she chases Branch, she takes out some pies and throws them at him. Luckily, he dodges them and continues running.)
Branch: Ha! Gonna have to do better than that! (Three more pies land on the ground and release black paint. Black birds then appear.) Black birds! 4 and 20 of them! (He screams as the birds attack him and Holly takes the pie. Branch coughs and spits out some feathers and runs after her. Soon, he blocks her way.) Hand over that pie, Holly! You got nowhere to run!
Holly: Don’t I, Branch? ‘Cause to me, them Flavor Berry bushes behind you are lookin’ mighty fresh!
Branch: What? (The bushes pick him up and smack him. Holly then runs past him and reaches her class.)
Holly: Pie’s on, y’all!
All: Yeah!
Holly: Get ready to dig in!
Branch: Wait! (He stops running and pants.) Holly, you have to stop!
Holly: No, Branch! I won’t let you throw away this once in a lifetime opportunity!
Branch: Would you please just listen?!
Holly: No! This is every pie maker’s dream!
Branch: Yeah, but it’s not my dream!
Holly: Huh?
Branch: (sighs) Holly, you gotta understand. Deep down, I’m still an introvert who needs privacy and space. Baking 247, strangers hounding my baking tips, traveling the world talking pastry? That’s not a dream to me. That’s a nightmare.
Holly: Oh.
Poppy: Holly, what’s going on? Can we still get a taste?
Holly: A taste? (She looks at Branch.)
Branch: Oh, well. It’s too late now.
Holly: No, Branch. No, it ain’t. (She gobbles up the pie and imagines touching its fingers.) Trolly mama, that’s good pie. (She licks the berry off her face.)
Poppy: I though we were sharing.
Holly: Sorry, y’all! I… um… was tryin’ to blow on the pie to cool it off, and, uh… I guess I blew backwards and swallowed the whole dang thing. (chuckles)
Minuet: I’ve done that. (She and the students leave.)
Branch: Thanks for understanding, Holly.
Holly: Thanks for helpin’ me understand, Branch.
Branch: You know, the big-time pie life may not be for me, but if you ever want to come over, I’d bake a pie for you anytime.
Holly: Aw! (She hugs Branch tightly.) You know, there’s still just a tiny bit of pie left in the pan. (She and Branch have a taste and imagine touching the pie’s fingers.)
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