At Least Lee Tried/Script

Nice Peter: I’m Nice Peter, and welcome to the Monday Show!
EpicLLOYD: We did that gag already!
Nice Peter: Where we have fictional and historical characters do something, I guess.
EpicLLOYD: Last time, we had the contestants boat race to the end of a lake thing before Moses wiped them out! In the end, Cleopatra is gone, and Eve is the only girl left.
Nice Peter: Unless you want to go so low as to call Justin Bieber a lady.
EpicLLOYD: But we’re not like that…
Dante Cimadamore: Today, the contestants will climb up the tower Bruce Lee controls, but one of them will-
EpicLLOYD: Here on Total Drama ERB!
*The scene transitions to the kitchen of the house, where Napoleon, Poe and Eve are sitting at the table*
Napoleon Dynamite: Okay, so the rest of the competitors left are all villains, and in an alliance, leaving us stuck with each other.
Eve: Yup.
Edgar Allan Poe: I fear for the worst with the villains trio we’re up against, the competition is really tense!
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah. Bieber’s a dick, Capone’s clever, and Vader’s a powerhouse. Together, they’re…a smarter Goku.
Eve: That can’t be possible…
Napoleon Dynamite: So, what’ll we do?
*Capone walks downstairs to the kitchen, looking at the group*
Al Capone: Well, well, well, what do we have here? Oh…the three Fuckskateers, whaddya know.
Napoleon Dynamite: Ugh, get lost, Capone.
Al Capone: I’m just checking up on the lovely ladies, is all…not lovely, but you’re all ladies.
Napoleon Dynamite: Fuck off…
Al Capone: My pleasure, don’t wanna stand near the weaklings.
*Al Capone walks back upstairs to Vader*
Darth Vader: So, what’re the runts up to?
Al Capone: Just planning something.
Darth Vader: Planning what?
Al Capone: I told you, something. Even they don’t know yet.
Darth Vader: Remember the plan, today…Bieber is going home, no matter what.
Al Capone: No shit.
Darth Vader: We just got to do something…make it look like an accident.
Al Capone: Ooh! My specialty. We’ll show this runt why you should never go against an alliance…except if you’re getting revenge. Then it’s okay.
Darth Vader: Man, us in the final 2…that will be sweet.
Al Capone: They won’t even know who to pick, we’re so matched.
*The scene cuts to Bieber standing by a door, listening to their conversation, then waits for them to leave*
Justin Bieber: “Getting rid of me”, huh? Oh, we’ll see how that goes.
Nice Peter: Challenge thing time or something!
*The scene transitions to the final 6, meeting at the bottom of a giant tower, designed in an Asian oriental fasion.*
Nice Peter: Konichiwa, motherfuckers!
Bruce Lee: Fuck you, asshole.
Nice Peter: Today, you guys will have to make it to the top of that tower!
Al Capone: Seems easy.
Justin Bieber: Speak for yourself, fatass.
Darth Vader (to Capone): Remember the plan…
Justin Bieber: What plan?
Darth Vader: Nothing…
Bruce Lee: This tower has deadly traps, and two paths. The wildlife you meet inside is all thanks to Edison. Neither of them are safer, so choose wisely. There are 6 levels to the building. Last person to the top loses! And…GO!
Justin Bieber: Could you repeat that, fast man?
Bruce Lee: I said GO, midget!
*the two groups go up the tower, reaching two stairways going opposite ways*
Edgar Allan Poe: Okay, group, we have one choice to take! I’ll go with two, hope this is not a mistake!
Eve: I guess we follow…
*Eve, Dynamite and Poe take the stairway on the right, running as fast as they can*
Al Capone: I guess we go that way.
Justin Bieber: Is that your plan?
Al Capone: Is that my what?
Justin Bieber: Nothing…
*Capone, Vader and Bieber take up the other staircase*
Poe, Dynamite, and Eve
*the scene cuts to Eve, Poe and Dynamite in a large, empty room*
Eve: Okay, what now?
Napoleon Dynamite: Well, this room is empty…
Edgar Allan Poe: Not quite, my dear companions! Perhaps traps are the reason for expansion!
Napoleon Dynamite: Of course! The room must be so big because…
Eve: There don’t seem to be any openings for stuff to come from…
Napoleon Dynamite: Aha! Guys, we gotta run to the exit at the end, fast!
Eve: Why would we do that?
Napoleon Dynamite: See those little paths in the floor?
Eve: Yeah. What about them?
Napoleon Dynamite: They’re so the walls can close in on us.
Eve: Wow…how do you know this?
Edgar Allan Poe: Don’t expect to have a nerd, and have something he’s never seen or heard!
Eve: True.
*Napoleon, Eve and Poe dart across the room, and the walls begin to close in on them.*
Edgar Allan Poe: A lark, we must dart across the room with steps so sharp before we’re met by an ending truly dark!
Eve: Please don’t mention death at a time like this…
Al, Bieber, and Vader
Al Capone: Damn, this room is big.
Justin Bieber: So are you, fatass.
Al Capone: Can it, dickless. Vader, you wanna use your force here?
Darth Vader: Can’t….
Al Capone; Why not?
Darth Vader: I…signed a contract…
Al Capone: We all did. I don’t think they told Goku he can’t use his power, so just do it. They ain’t gonna bite.
Darth Vader: Nah…
Al Capone: Alright, Vader, don’t be a wuss…
Justin Bieber: Oh, fuck this.
*Bieber runs ahead of the two, activating the walls to close around Vader and Capone*
Al Capone: Sunnuva bitch!
Darth Vader: We gotta run!
(Confessional) Justin Bieber: Eh, ditching them means winning for me. And me winning means me getting the money.
Al Capone: Okay, we gotta put the plan into effect, pronto, cause this stingy bastard’s gonna get rid of us himself.
Darth Vader: We can’t let that happen.
Al Capone: No shit.
*the scene transitions to Bieber heading to the next challenge room, which has multiple tiles spread out everywhere*
Justin Bieber: Now, how to activate every trap for these guys…
*Bieber steps on a tile, which activate a giant bucket of tar to be poured onto him*
Justin Bieber: I swear, if they see me like this…
*Poe, Eve and Dynamite suddenly appear in the room with Bieber*
Justin Bieber: Ew, Napoleon.
Napoleon Dynamite: Shut up, ugh.
Eve: Uh, what is this place?
Justin Bieber: Each tile activates a trap, so you wanna run across as fast as you can.
Eve: Yeah, like I’d believe that.
Justin Bieber: Oh, like you believed Adam loved you?
Eve: Shut the hell up, you dick.
Justin Bieber: I’m just saying, you need to word your sentences better. I wouldn’t be surprised if you believed-
*Eve shoves Bieber into the ground, activating four tiles, one which starts to flood the room and close the door*
Eve: Way to go.
*The scene cuts to Vader and Capone, trying to get out of the slowly closing room*
Al Capone: I hate to say this, but we gotta run all the way to the entrance.
Darth Vader: You kidding me?
Al Capone; I wish, bub.
Darth Vader: Isn’t that dangerous?
Al Capone: Either way, death is standing right before us.
Darth Vader: This is some Indiana Jones level assery right here…
*Capone and Vader quickly run to the entrance for their room, narrowly surviving, now standing back at the tower’s main room where they came in*
Al Capone: So, now what? We’re stuck.
Darth Vader: Justin is gonna beat us if we don’t figure something out fast…
Al Capone: We gotta climb the building or something?
Darth Vader: Well, there’s an elevator…
Al Capone: Nice…
*Vader and Capone walk to the elevator, the former which opens the elevator with a button, then both him and Capone enter*
Darth Vader: To the top floor?
Al Capone: Yes, my good man.
Darth Vader: Our plan activates…
*Vader presses the button to the top floor*
Darth Vader: Now.
*the scene transitions to Poe, Napoleon and Eve slowly trying to cross the room using the space between tiles and taking advantage of the water*
Justin Bieber: Idiots…suit yourself.
Napoleon Dynamite: Oh, we’ll suit ourselves winning this challenge.
Justin Bieber: Just wait so it’s deep enough to swim, dumbasses.
Edgar Allan Poe: Knowing the way the hosts work on this show, they’ve got much worse planned for this pool they’ve bestowed.
Justin Bieber: Take your chances, morons. I’ll stand here, letting you get ahead…wait, oh hell no. Get back here!
*Bieber trods in the water after them, stepping on the tiles, dropping dead fish everywhere*
Napoleon Dynamite: Watch your steps, bigfoot!
Justin Bieber: Why? You scared something’s gonna go wrong?
Eve: You do hear yourself, right?
Justin Bieber: Anything that happens to me happens to you guys as well, you know. You’re so concerned about my steps that you’re not watching your own, dumbasses. You’ve probably triggered like 50 traps by now.
*All 4 look up as crocodiles fall into the water, and steak juice is poured onto each contestant*
Justin Bieber: Oh, now they bring out the juice…perfect.
*A loud rumbling sound can be heard above them, along with growling*
Justin Bieber: I swear, if it’s that mutant shark again…
Napoleon Dynamite: Sharks don’t rumble, idiot. Whatever it is, we gotta move out fast…
Edgar Allan Poe: You mean like how me and Eve did, while you two bickered around like kids?
Napoleon Dynamite: I’m almost over, gosh…
Eve: Well, you better hurry. I hear some gears moving above us…
*A door shuts in front of Poe and Eve, separating them from Bieber and Napoleon, whose only escape route is a hole in the ceiling*
Justin Bieber: Oh, splendid.
Napoleon Dynamite: This is not how I want to die.
Justin Bieber: Crocodiles?
Napoleon Dynamite: No, with you.
*The camera cuts to Capone and Vader in the elevator, riding to the top*
Al Capone: So long, Bieber.
Darth Vader: One more floor and we’re done.
*The elevator stops on the fifth floor, and opens to reveal a large, swamp like room shadowed in darkness, then goes pitch black, like the swamp-like room ahead of them*
Al Capone: Oh goodie, we jinxed ourselves. Wonderful.
Darth Vader: Well, at least this can’t get worse…
*The room is slowly filled with fog, hiding the trees in the area, as weird scuttering noises can be heard*
Al Capone: Fucking great.
*A giant, long figure can be seen creeping past them on the ground, and buzzing noises echo overhead*
Al Capone: I don’t like the look of this place…
Darth Vader: I think I blew up a planet like this once.
Al Capone: Of course you have.
Darth Vader: Judging by the looks of this place, I think I did everyone a favor…
Al Capone: What was that thing that walked past us earlier? Looked like some sorta snake thing…
Darth Vader: Snakes don’t walk, genius.
Al Capone: True…this place scares me.
Darth Vader: It is pretty weird…like something in a dinosaur movie…
Al Capone: I wonder if we’ll see any dinosaurs…heh.
Darth Vader: I think we should learn not to say stuff like that.
*the buzzing noise gets louder as a dragonfly the size of an eagle lands on Vader’s head*
Al Capone: Uh, you got a…bird…on your head there, pal.
Darth Vader: Yeesh, this thing is huge.
Al Capone: Yeah, no kidding…wait…
Darth Vader: What?
Al Capone: If that thing is that big, then…that thing back there wasn’t some snake…
Darth Vader: Oh god…
*the scene cuts to Poe and Eve walking up a stairway that doesn’t seem to end*
Eve: Are you sure we didn’t pass some exit like 100 steps back?
Edgar Allan Poe: Excuse me, miss, but I’ve checked a thousand times, this stairwell is gonna ware me out on rhymes!
Eve: Actually, that’s not much of a problem…
Edgar Allan Poe: Well sorry, ma’am, that these stairs are tiring…I wonder what type of contractor they’ve been hiring…
Eve: Who would want to make thi-GAH!
*Poe looks over at Eve, who has fallen down a hole in the floor*
Edgar Allan Poe: Uh, hello, Miss? You surely were not dismiss-EGADS!
*Poe tries to cling onto something as he falls as well*
Edgar Allan Poe: Oh dear, I fear my end is near!
*Poe suddenly stops falling, and looks up to see the ghost of Christmas Yet to Come*
Yet to Come: You could have died here, my fellow grim. And that, my friend, would be a sin. Now listen hear, this is not a dream: One person here is not who they seem.
Edgar Allan Poe: What is this? Some sort of mission? Or are you just spitting bullshit exposition?
*Poe looks down as he is now sitting on a ledge near a heavy, concrete door which is supposed to be locked, but somehow open, under a sign which reads “Maintenance”*
Edgar Allan Poe: Say…is today my lucky day?
*The scene cuts to Eve, who finds herself on top of a mattress under a hole, in a room which resembles a lab, and Edison is standing above a table with an unconscious Goku spread out on a table with wires hooked up and organs preserved next to him*
Eve: What the…
Thomas Edison: Nothing to see…miss…just go away! Scram!
Eve: I’m kinda trapped here…
Thomas Edison: Uh…Clone Goku!
*Clone Goku suddenly appears next to Eve, and pokes her face*
Clone Goku: To the roof, Eve!
*Clone Goku grabs Eve, and flies to the roof of the building*
Thomas Edison: Damn kids…
*The scene transitions to Bieber and Napoleon, treading water on the surface of the flooding room, near the ceiling, but unable to reach the hole still*
Justin Bieber: What a way to die…
Napoleon Dynamite: This is the one time I want a room to flood to the ceiling.
Justin Bieber: Well, let’s hope the crocs are vegetarians.
Napoleon Dynamite: That’s highly unlikely. You see…
*a loud crash and a snap can be heard above*
Justin Bieber: Did you hear that?
Napoleon Dynamite: Do you even need to ask that?
Justin Bieber: I hope we don’t meet that thing…
Napoleon Dynamite: You know, this is usually the part where the thing we’re hearing comes out.
*A giant hole breaks in the ceiling, dropping the source of the sound into the room-an adult Sarcosuchus (think a crocodile the size of a bus or two)*
Napoleon Dynamite: Yep.
Justin Bieber: Holy FUCK that thing is huge!
Napoleon Dynamite: Eh, the shark was bigger.
Justin Bieber: So what?
Napoleon Dynamite: So…wanna climb on this thing?
Justin Bieber: What?!
Napoleon Dynamite: Eh, whatever. See you…maybe.
*Napoleon climbs up the back of the Sarcosuchus, which is busy making quick work of the regular crocodiles below, and into the ceiling, leaving Bieber behind*
Justin Bieber: Wait for me, geek!
*The scene transitions to the roof, where Eve finds herself landing*
Clone Goku: That’ll be five dollars for the ride!
Eve: Where the hell would I have that cash?
Clone Goku: I’m a genie!
Eve: Yes, and…?
Nice Peter: Oh, you’re here.
EpicLLOYD: Hey, isn’t using Goku cheating?
Eve: Edison made him take me.
EpicLLOYD: Eh, I guess why not.
*Poe walks out of a door connected to a stairwell leading to the roof*
Edgar Allan Poe: Do not cry, for I have arrived!
EpicLLOYD: How did you get into that part of the building?
Edgar Allan Poe: If you must ask why, it was the skeleton guy!
EpicLLOYD: The skeleton guy…Yet to Come?
Nice Peter: What is it with the employees today?
*Santa walks out from the same doorway Poe came up*
Santa Claus: I’m here to clean up crocodile poop…
EpicLLOYD: Could you clean up the crocodiles first? There might be one big one eating the other ones, so just be careful of him…
Santa Claus: Darn…
*The scene transitions to Vader and Capone in the indoor swamp*
Al Capone: That dragonfly loves you, dude.
Darth Vader: I know…it’s actually weighing down the helmet.
*the sound of tiny legs can be heard closing in, and high-pitched screeching can be heard as well*
Darth Vader: We’ve got company…
Al Capone: Great, just what we need.
*A shadow slowly forms into view, revealing itself to be…a giant scorpion, up to Capone’s waist*
Al Capone: Holy shit…
Darth Vader: That is one ugly bug.
Al Capone: Use your force on that thing before it uses its tail on us!
Darth Vader: I can’t!
Al Capone: For Christ’s sake, why not?!?
Darth Vader: I told you…the contract!
Al Capone: Contract my ass! Just kill this thing!
*Bieber and Napoleon burst in, running*
Napoleon Dynamite: Holy hell what is that thing?
Al Capone: Come on, Vader! Fuckin’ choke the damn thing!
Darth Vader: But the paper…
Al Capone: But our lives, dumbass! That thing can kill us!
Darth Vader: But isn’t the saying, “the bigger the scorpion, the less deadly the sting”?
Al Capone: I don’t think this guy will agree!
Justin Bieber: Oh, for fuck’s sake…
*Bieber stomps on the scorpion’s head, killing it, then bolts to the other side, while Napoleon chases him*
Darth Vader: Oh shit, he might beat us!
Al Capone: Not over my dead body!
*Capone and Vader take off after Bieber, jumping over roots and ducking under branches and giant dragonflies*
Justin Bieber: I bet you guys wishes you could use your plan correctly, huh? But it looks like I’m-
Napoleon Dynamite: Millipede!
*Bieber trips over a 7 foot millipede, which raises itself up and hisses at him*
Justin Bieber: EW! Something UGLIER than Dynamite! Kill it!
*Napoleon grabs the millipede and carries it with him*
Justin Bieber: What the hell are you doing with that thing?
Napoleon Dynamite: Gonna make sure he’s okay!
Justin Bieber: Why are you making sure the ugly, defenseless turd is okay?
Napoleon Dynamite: I’m not watching you!
*Al Capone and Vader begin to pass Bieber as Napoleon and his millipede slide safely under a closing door*
Justin Bieber: I’m not going down like this.
Al Capone: It was nice knowing you, Bieber. See you…never.
*Bieber throws a stick at Capone, but it flies past him. However, Bieber doesn’t mind.*
Al Capone: You missed, you moron.
Justin Bieber: No I didn’t.
*A giant scorpion stands in front of Capone, angry from the stick thrown at him, cornering him against a tree*
Al Capone: Uh, Vader, help!
Darth Vader: Contracts, man! Now, gotta go!
Al Capone: I don’t give a fuck about some god damn contract!
Justin Bieber: Later, sucker.
*Bieber sprints past Capone, slides under the door after Vader, leaving Capone pinned up against a tree with the scorpion*
Al Capone: Nice scorpion…
Scorpion: Hssss…..
*The scorpion stings Capone, causing him to scream loudly, disturbing the whole island, as the camera zooms out on the tower*
Al Capone: GAAAHHH!
*The scene transitions to the roof of the tower*
Nice Peter: Hogan, Macho, Goku, go down there, now!
Hulk Hogan: Yessir!
Clone Goku: I like bugs!
*The camera pans to Dynamite, Eve and Bieber standing next to each other*
Napoleon Dynamite: Okay, Bieber, what did you do?
Justin Bieber: I may have let a scorpion sting him…no biggie, right?
*Napoleon and Eve glare at Bieber, who smiles innocently, and Napoleon’s millipede hisses*
Napoleon Dynamite: He could die, and you’re sitting here like a toddler who broke his mom’s vase! You have no sense of humanity, you ass!
Justin Bieber: Do you think I care about what happens to you guys?  You’re just here for me to step on, trample, and get me to the finale. I have no feelings for any of you, and I don’t give a shit about any of you, whether it’s emotionally or physically. You’re all stepping stones, and I’m not afraid to spit on you along the way. Got it?
Napoleon Dynamite: You getting to the finale? What is this, a joke? There’s no way you’ll make it. You’re the guy who always gets his ass handed to him in the end.
Justin Bieber: This isn’t one of those average competitive shows, you know. I’ve got a chance in this, and you’re just an open target. Have fun being the next one to taste the bottom of my shoe, freak.
*Justin walks away, leaving Eve and Napoleon slightly bitter*
Eve: What is that thing in your arms?
Napoleon Dynamite: A millipede.
Eve: Sure it is.
*Hogan, Macho Man and Clone Goku walk out with Capone on a stretcher, nearly unconscious and part of his throat swollen*
Al Capone: Tell Bieber…he’s a dead…man…
*Capone passes out as Lloyd calls a helicopter*
Nice Peter: Go to the rooms, guys. No ceremony tonight.
*A big, medical helicopter lands on the roof as the final 5 leave to go to their rooms, and the scene transitions to them in the kitchen, with a dim light and all save for Bieber at the table*
Darth Vader: Alright, we gotta get rid of Bieber.
Napoleon Dynamite: Yeah. He’s actually somewhat of a threat…wow, that’s kinda sad.
Eve: We can’t let him get any further…we’ve gotta do everyone gone a favor and kick his ass out.
Edgar Allan Poe: Indeed, that is what we need!
Napoleon Dynamite: Anyone have any ideas?
Darth Vader: How about we feed him the millipede thing?
Napoleon Dynamite: We are not getting rid of Tina II!
Eve: Tina two?
Napoleon Dynamite: We gotta figure something out before he does…now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna go put Two here in my room’s bathtub.
Edgar Allan Poe: I don’t think it needs water, unless that thing is part otter.
Eve: Okay, that rhyme was just forced.
Darth Vader: Eh, I’m going to bed…this requires some thought from sleep.
Edgar Allan Poe: I might as well hit the hay, we seemed to have a start today.
*The scene cuts to Lloyd at the dock*
EpicLLOYD: Uh…shit…forgot what to say…who’s out next? What will Napoleon do with the millipede? Yeah, that’s good…who’s gonna win? Seems good. Okay, let’s start the camera!
Macho Man: Here on Total Drama ERB!
EpicLLOYD: Son of a bitch!
*the scene transitions to Poe sleeping in his bed, in a dark room and his curtains blowing slowly in the gentle breeze from the open window*
Edgar Allan Poe: Shit, I forgot to close the shades! They look cooler that way! Wait, why am I awake this late?
Yet to Come: BOO!
Edgar Allan Poe: AH!
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script