The Wizard of Oz Alternate HISHE

[ open on Turner Classic Movies logo ]
Announcer: Turner Classic Movies now returns to “The Wizard of Oz”.
[ dissolve to scene where Dorothy steps out of the farm house after the tornado has dumped it into the magical and colorful land of Oz ]
Dorothy: Oh, my.. now I know we’re not in Kansas any more, Toto.
[ Toto barks, as Glenda the Good Witch steps forward amongst the many Munchkins surrounding the house ]
Glenda the Good Witch: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?
Dorothy: [ startled ] Who? Me? Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy Gale, from Kansas! Witches are old and ugly!
[ the nearby Munchkins titter at Dorothy’s assertion ]
Dorothy: Why are they laughing?
Glenda the Good Witch: They’re laughing, you see, because I’m a witch. Glenda, the Good Witch of the North.
Dorothy: Oh! Well, I-I beg your pardon! It’s just, I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before!
Glenda the Good Witch: [ chuckles ] Only bad witches are ugly.
Dorothy: Oh! [ laughs ] Well, I guess that — Hey! Wait a second. You just asked me if I was a bad witch. What are you trying to say?
Glenda the Good Witch: [ stammering ] Oh.. uh.. geeeee..
Munchkin #1: Awk-warrrrrrrd!
Glenda the Good Witch: [ changing the subject ] Um.. look. The important thing is.. you, Dorothy Gale, are a hero to these people – for, when your house fell, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East!
[ show the Wicked Witch’s shriveled legs and foot under the front of the house ]
Munchkin #2: The Witch is dead! Three cheers for Dorothy and her falling house!
Munchkins: Hip hip hooray!! Hip hip hooray!!
Munchkin #3: [ crying in horror ] Oh, my God!!!!
[ show Munchkins #4, #5 and #6 trapped under the side of the house ]
Munchkin #4: My spine!!
Munchkin #5: My pelvis has been shattered!!
Munchkin #6: Will somebody raise this damn house off of me?!
Dorothy: Ohh! Ohh, my! I didn’t mean to —
Munchkin #3: Somebody, help!! Where’s Dr. Wingnut?!!
Munchkin #2: He was here just a second ago!! He was standing right over th —
[ Munchkin #2 points to the area he was standing out, now covered by the house, his legs dangling out ]
Munchkin #2: Oh, boy.. this is not good..
Munchkin #7: [ pointing to Dorothy ] This is all your fault! Do something!
Dorothy: Oh! Oh, I know! There’s a first aid kit in the house!
[ Dorothy climbs up the steps of the house, putting added pressure onto the Munchkins trapped beneath the house ]
Munchkins #4, #5, #6: Owwwwww!!!! Owwwwww!!!
Munchkin #7: There’s people down there!!
Dorothy: Oh, okay! Bad idea! I’m really sorry!
Munchkin #1: Dear God, it’s worse than we thought! The entire Lollipop Guild is down there!
[ show the outstretched arm of a member of the Lollipop Guild under the front of the house, trying desperately to clutch onto a lollipop ]
Dorothy: Oh! Look, look, nobody panic! We can get them out! We just have to pull! [ grabs two legs ] See! I think it’s working! 1! 2! [ gives a swift tug, as the bloody stumps come flying out ] [ the Munchkins scream in horror ]
Dorothy: Yikes! Another bad idea! Uh.. Glenda, you know magic.. could you, uh..?
[ Glenda removes the hat from a Munchkin’s head, and throws up in it ]
Dorothy: O-kay.. uh.. no help there! [ chuckles ] Look, I’m just making things worse, maybe I should just go.
Munchkin #7: Oh no, you don’t! You’ve got one hell of a lawsuit on your hands, lassie!
Dorothy: Oh, come on! You’re not gonna —
[ bouncy music rises, as Munchkin Lawyer and her associates enter the scene ]
Munchkin Lawyer: [ singing ]“Weeeee represent, the victims’ families!
The victims’ families, the victims’ families!
And in the name of victims’ families
We’re gonna sue your ass in Munchkin court!”
Dorothy: What? A class action suit?!
Munchkin Lawyer: Oh, we’re gonna take you for every gumdrop you got, Sweetie!
Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible! It must be a bad dream! [ closes her eyes ] There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..
[ a slow dissolve, but no change ]
Dorothy: Aw, crap!
Munchkin #7: Yeah. No go.
Munchkin #2: Nice try. Haul her off, boys! Shave her with a candy cane if she tries anything!
Dorothy: Oh! Toto!
[ Dorothy is hauled away, as Darrell Hammond enters the scene ]
Darrell Hammond: Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our little Wizard Of Oz piece. But if you want to really experience it on a whole other level, ty this: simply rewind back to the beginning of the sketch, turn the sound down, light up a fattie, watch the whole thing over again with Dark Side of the Moon playing. [ holds up the famed Pink Floyd album ] I guar-an-tee you’re going to enjoy that! I know I will!
{munchkin 1}she is dead how is it so i thought only water could kill the witch foe
{munchkin 2}well a falling house killed one dead so i figured why not so i shot her in the head
{munkin 3}ya well she was our ride home
{munchkin 2}ah s*@#﻿
Dorthy: Oh now I'll never get home! (Sob)
Lion: Uh it's OK Dorthy you can stay here with us, we love you
Dorthy: Oh but this will never be like Kansas.
Tin man: Wait, What about Kansas Is worth going back to?
Dorthy: Wait, Why would you ask that?
Tin man: Because you just insulted our home for a gaseous dust infested Sahara of the USA.
Dorthy: Hey don't call it that! I LIVE IN THAT GASEOUS DUST INFESTED SAHARA OF THE USA thank you very much!
Tin man: Yeah and i live in this place that doesn't compare with the gaseous dust infested Sahara of the USA, so what does that say about my home?
Dorthy: HEY all I'm trying to say is that i miss my home and my family OK (CENSORED)
Lion: Oho! a swear word!
Dorthy: Suck it up you (CENSORED) didn't you just get a metal proving that your not a pussy?
Scarecrow: uh Dorthy maybe we should just focus on finding a way to get you back home OK?
Dorthy: Uuuhhgh fine.
Tin man: Look there's someone who can help you!
Good witch: Hello Dorthy.
Dorthy: Oh good Can you help me get home?
Good Witch: Why you've always had the power to go back home.
Dorthy: Come again?
Good witch: You've always had the power to go back home.
Dorthy: Your telling me i could have always gone home?
Good witch: Yes you could have left as soon as you got the ruby red slippers.
Dorthy: WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE!
Good witch: Well i wanted to teach you a lesson.
Dorthy: YOU (CENSORED)! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO TEACH ME ANY THING! IM NOT A CHILD YOUR NOT MY MOTHER!
Tin man: Uhh Dorthy i think that you should...
Dorthy: SHUT UP! ok, WITCH tell me how to go home and god knows it had better be pretty be complxed of i'm gonna (CENSORED).
Good witch: all you need to do is click your heels together three times while chanting 'there is no place like home'
Dorthy: (clicks heels three times) I WANT TO BE A WITCH! (Explodes and turnes into a witch) (Clicks heels together again) I WANT THE OTHER EVIL WITCHES TO BE ALIVE AGAIN!
Every one: OH (CENSORED)!
the evil witches now allied with dorthy kill every one and rule the world of oz with an iron fist still to this day...
Dorthy: Why would you do this you make me look like a foul mouth evil witch at heart.
Illia01: Cause, you are
Dorthy: you know what, i'm going to kill you!
Illia01: Ahh review! PLEASE!
Category:Alternate Endings