Ristar 20: Bass Pro Phishing

= Ristar 20: Bass Pro Phishing =
is the twentieth game in the Ristar series. Not much is known about the development of the game, and interviews with Circlemakers indicate that one day the game just appeared on a desk where $60,000 once lay.
== Gameplay ==
The game is a second person shooter, where the camera is from the perspective of any character except the one you control. 
Ristar has access to both guns and melee weapons, and he uses his arm stretch to make the weapons long range. These melee weapons actually have longer range than the guns. For melee weapons, Ristar has access to knives, chainsaws, brass knuckles, nunchucks, and batons. For guns, Ristar has shotguns, pistols, machine guns, rocket launchers, and the gun that killed Shinzo Abe. In addition, Ristar can bring one assist character into a level. These assist characters have a variety of abilities.
== Story ==
The game takes place in universe 8 but in the past and explains how they got there. The recommended playing order is 1.9 -> Deluxe -> 2 -> 31.2 -> Ristarpg -> 12 -> 4:2 -> 31.6 -> 19 -> 20. If you play 4:1 this game won't make any sense. 
=== Intro ===
Ristar: I hate living in Long Island, everyone here smells like piss.
Computer: You've got mail
Ristar: I hope that my computer said you've got mail and not you've got male, I’m still getting messages from when Dark Ristar signed me up for Grindr
Computer: don't worry man I said mail
Ristar: Okay alright. 
Email: Hey Risar this is me. th e Goverment. Hey man I need a copy of your birth certificate so that we can make sure you paid your taxes
Ristar: Uh, first off I didn’t. Second off here you go.
He shoves the birth certificate in the usb port
Email: Okay yeah that’s great also could we have your credit card
Ristar: Okay but you better not pay my taxes with it.
Email: Don’t worry we won’t ;)
He gives the credit card to the computer
Email: Okay that’s cool okay last thing I need you to give me your Neopets password
Ristar: Woah slow down there bardner I don’t give my Neopets password to just anyone.
Email: Okay that’s fine just send me all of the nudes on your phone.
Ristar: Now we’re talking!
Ristar does
Ristar: Okay so why did you need all of that
Email: So that I can SIGN YOU UP FOR GRINDR AGAIN
Ristar: Ahhhhhh FUCK IT’S YOU
Dark Ristar: That’s right, I wasn’t the government all along! Now you’ll be too busy drowning in man ass that you won’t be able to stop my greatest scheme yet
Ristar: Men? I hate those guys! 
DR: Yeah well you better get used to them cause you’re gonna start seeing them everywhere!
Ristar: Not if I have anything to say about it, I’ve stopped all your other not so great schemes so far so I can do it this time
DR: I don’t know man, none of those schemes have been as great as this one
Ristar: Damn, he’s right. I’m gonna need to call in backup. Good thing I have my phone book.
Ristar opens a book and retrieves his phone from within
Ristar: Hey I need your help to stop evil
???: Been a long time since I heard that word
Ristar: What
???: I
Ristar: Stop playing around Grey Ristar can you help me out here
Grey Ristar: Yeah it’s been too quiet around here, I’ve started writing my memoirs
Ristar: More like your diary HAHAHAHA
GR: What the hell man
Ristar: I’ll be over in 3
GR: Yeah, years
Ristar, now with beard: Hey Grey Ristar, long time no see. Can I shave in your house?
Grey Ristar, now with beard: Yeah none for me though
Ristar then shaves
Ristar: Okay lets go on our journey our reports indicate an anomaly in Darland
GR: Okay lets go
[NEW ALLY: THE BI BOMBER, GREY RISTAR! ABILITY - TRANSPARENCY]
GR: With my ability, you can turn transparent just like me
Ristar: That’ll be helpful for sneaking around the homosexuals
=== Level 1: Darland ===
GR: Hey he’s really cleaned up the place this looks nothing like the last time we went here
Ristar: Yeah last time we were here it was nothing but corn fields and meth dealers and the pro football hall of fame. Dark Ristar get your gay ass out here NOW
Dark Ristar: huh? What was that? 
Ristar: Dark Ristar I need you to come outside and get your ass beat
DR: hm, I’m not sure if I heard anything, I have my JBL bluetooth earbuds in and I’m watching Mr. Beast videos so I don’t know
Ristar: Dark Ristar if you don’t get out here right now to get beaten up by me I’m gonna sign you up for Cindr, the dating app for straight people where they burn you’re dick off
DR: Hm? Well if it isn’t my old enemy Ristar and also Grey Ristar with a stunning beard. Long time no see
GR: Thanks babe the 3 years of HRT have finally paid off
Ristar: Dark Ristar I know you sent me that email that stole all my personal information, now I can’t get my mail without a 50 year old man asking if I wanna “MASH and chill”
DR: Uh, I didn’t do that
GR: You’ve already done it before though
DR: NUH UH
Ristar: that’s it
Ristar then takes out his gun and shoots Dark Ristar’s legs, shattering his femurs. Then he grabs Dark Ristar by the legs and spins him in circles and throws him into traffic. Then he has Grey Ristar hold him and he rips his arms off and sells them on the black market. Then he punches Dark Ristar into an elevator which goes to the roof of a skyscraper and he throws him off. Then he rubs salt into his wounds and hits him with a baseball bat and sets him on fire. Then he makes him listen to the same song for 
and then he opens his mouth and throws a grenade in and he explodes. Then he uses dark magic to piece him back together and he takes his credit card and spends it all on CDs.
DR: Oh, it looks like you’ve beaten me!
Ristar: okay Dark Ristar, now tell me your plan and why you needed my birth certificate and my credit card and my dick pics and my court records
DR: I tried to tell you, I have no idea what you're talking about
The sky darkens
GR: uh Ristar I don't think that
Ristar: You son of a bitch
Ristar then breaks an otamatone over Dark Ristar's head and hooks him up to a car battery and electrocutes him. Then he staples a steak to him and gets dogs to bite him. Then he uses a can opener and opens his head and he eats his brain. 
GR: Oh grow up, Ristar
Ristar: Okay
DR: As I was saying I don't know what happened here 
Ristar: alright I believe you. Nobody can die that many times without going to hell for lying.
Email: Hey guys I think I know what's going on here, just give me your bank account login information and questions
Ristar: okay, my favorite sports team is the New Jersey Nardwuars
GR: Ristar no, it's a trap
Ristar: But we need this information!
DR: or we could follow the fucking darkness spiral that the storm is emanating from
Ristar: That idea sucks. you suck
Email: Good one Ristar, just tell me what your favorite teacher in high school was
Ristar: Hm I have no idea. Wait a minute
Email: heheheHEHEHEHEHE
The email disappears taking the computer with it
Ristar: Guys, I think that Dark Ristar's computer was trying to trick me
DR: That computer cost me over one hundred dollars, I want my revenge
Sonk Ristar: Dadk what's all this commotion, it woke me up from my deep meditation
DR: Son, if there's one thing you gotta know about me it's that I'm a rocker and a whore, I'm leaving you and gonna go with uncle Ristar to solve this mystery
[NEW ALLY: THE ANTI-HETERO ANTI-HERO, DARK RISTAR! ABILITY - GAY BEAM]
SR: But dad I'm only 11 years old I can't be left alone at your house what if there's a natural disaster or a burglary
DR: Burger Larry? If that guy shows up then we're all fucked, you better come with us 
SR: Sicknice
[NEW ALLY: THE HEIR OF HATRED, SONK RISTAR! ABILITY - PSIONIC BLAST]
GR: Dark Ristar are you sure that you wanna bring your kid with you into this potentially dangerous situation
DR: Trust me, whatever we're about to face can't be worse than Burger Larry. 
Ristar: I'm outta here
=== Level 2: The First Wendy’s ===
Ristar: It appears that the storm is coming from the ooooold stomping grounds. 
GR: Hey Ristar, isn’t this where you worked all those years ago
Ristar: Yes but why can’t I remember my childhood?
GR: Probably no reason for that
???: Well I’ll be a sumnabitch if it isn’t my old gang member friend Ristar and 3 other similar looking people. Who knew there were s
Ristar: Penguo you sumnabitch long time no see! since when do you work at Wendy's of all places?
Penguo: Well, after our gang was dissolved because of the Toddler Termination event I drifted for a few years. I did some online college classes and got my bachelor's in biology, but because of the economic recession I was unable to find a job. I eventually landed on my feet and became the guy that makes chemicals that make men bald. Then one day I was baldifying this one guy and he told me about how he owns a restaurant called Wendy's and how no matter how hard they try they can't find a way to make chicken nuggets without feathers on them. He asked for my help and I created a chicken that not only has no feathers but also isn't alive so that their nuggets are vegan. Because of my efforts I was given an award and that guy who his name is Dave Thomas by the way he decided to give me a job.
SR: Wow, I wish I had a college degree.
DR: College degrees are tools of the heteros, son.
SR: Yeah I hate getting college degrees. 
DR: Knowledge is power my ass
SR: Yeah, knowledge is power your ass
Ristar: Penguo I think there's a storm coming from your kitchen
Penguo: Oh, that isn't a storm, it's smog. Smog from the curse that was placed on this restaurant by the Ambassador of the Raging Despot
GR: I hate that guy?
Ristar: You know him?
GR: Yeah we play poker sometimes. Yeah poker. He's always "the end is nigh" this and "a 3 of a kind is higher than a 2 pair you owe me 50 thousand dollars" that. My ass is three of a kind, how about that
Penguo: Hey if you guys are here to suck up the smog that would be great. Our smog sucking machine is out.
???: Hey I’d like one Dave’s Throuple
Ristar: Oh my god could it be?
Radical Red Ristar: Well I’ll be a sumnabitch long time no see Ristar
Ristar: You think you can see me after no long time me? After you sold us out to the Toddlers?
Penguo spits on him
RRR: Ristar you don't get it and you never will. After the disappearance of our leader Sir Rat Knos, we weren’t strong enough to fight the toddlers. They would have slaughtered us.
Ristar: They’re fucking toddlers, they can barely walk.
GR: Guys we gotta get rid of this smog before I get lung cancer
DR: Yeah, you wouldn’t wanna end up like Steve Jobs, would you?
Ristar: I would do anything to not end up like Steve Jobs, who, in my arms, died of lung cancer.
Penguo: Follow me guys I wanna show you where the smog is coming from. Okay Here’s where the smog is coming from
SR: Woah, it’s a portal to the smog dimension. I wish I could go to the smog dimension
GR: Maybe it would be a good idea for Ristar and Dark Ristar to go
DR: Why would that be a good idea
GR: Uh because you guys are the most powerful
DR: Yeah well that’s not the reason I’m going. I’m going cause I have dibs
Ristar: It’s a good thing that I have my mask on account of it being flu season
DR: What’s the matter Ristar, bring a mask with you so you can avoid sucking dicks?
Ristar: If there’s two things I hate, it’s dying from the flu and oral sex with men. With this mask, I can avoid both.
GR: I'll stay here, all my life I always wanted to work a second shift
SR: I'd go but my dad called dibs and he always told me "you don't call dibs, you don't get ribs"
Penguo: And I need to prepare for dinner with the boss, he's coming here in 5 minutes!
=== Level 3: The Smog Dimension ===
DR: Standing in this place burns my skin
Ristar: Maybe I should live here, this is way better than Long Island
DR: How did you end up in Long Island anyway. Drink too many iced teas?
Laugh track laughs
Ristar: Well I used to be in a gang with Penguo, Radical Red Ristar, Sir Rat Knos, and some other characters I don't remember where we would sell drugs and kill hookers. Then one day we got in a feud with the Brooklyn Toddlers, who were all orphans.
DR: I hate orphans!
Ristar: Yeah, and these guys were orphans through and through. One day, Sir Rat Knos disappeared and without our leader, we struggled 4% more with the toddlers. that was enough for that pinko fuck Radical Red Ristar to sell us out. The Brooklyn Toddlers took over our turf and I had to escape to Long Island, which is far too Long for the Toddlers to reach. 
DR: That explains why my mail bombs haven't been getting COUGH haven't been getting to you
Ristar: Hey do you want a mask I have an extra in my pocket
DR, coughing up blood: Nah I'm good
Ristar: So how've you been
DR: Being a dad is hard, every day my dumbass crumbass son asks me to buy more unsalted corn flakes. I try to get him to eat other cereal but he refuses. At this point I don't think he'll even be gay.
Ristar: I'd say I'm sorry to hear that but honestly this is the best news I've heard in years. Call me Abe Lincoln the way I can't tell a lie
DR: That was Jesus
Ristar: Call me Jesus the way I am the son of God
???: Who are you mysterious strangers
Ristar: My name is Ristar. I'm known as somewhat of a smog investigator
DR: And they call me Dark Ristar, on account of my being Ristar's gay clone
???: Thank god you're here, my name is the Mayor and I need your help! We used to be a peaceful dimension repairing shoes and stealing children from their cribs and shit but then. Some evil figure came here and put smog everywhere and said we're the smog dimension now and made us pay taxes for breathing in the smog.
DR: Did he say where he came from?
Mayor: Yeah actually
Ristar: Alright cool I'd like to know that
Mayor: I can't remember, I got what we're calling Brain Smog. I can't remember a thing, not even my childhood
Ristar: Yeah well I can't either so you're not special
Dark Ristar: I was born as an adult with a job and a mortgage.
Mayor: The smog is coming from that cave, I might've sent people in to deal with it but I don't remember
=== Level 4: Back at Wendy's ===
Penguo: Ah, Dave Thomas welcome, I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable king harkinian voice dinner
Dave Thomas: Penguo, I've eaten more burgers than you can possibly imagine. Every day I look upon the vast fields that my empire has sowed, and I can not describe what I find. Satisfaction? Hardly. We make a good fast food burger, yes, but that is all that it is. Fast food. Disposable. People will forget your face the moment they walk away with their meal. They wouldn't spit on you if you were dying of thirst. Who's the new guy?
GR: Hi Dave Thomas my name is Grey Ristar and I am working a second shift for the first time in my life!
Dave: Grey Ristar? That's the kinda of name I can get behind. You got gumption, kid.
GR: Thanks
Dave: Grey Ristar, I want to give you the keys to my brand new car, a beautiful Tesla Challenger
GR: Thanks Dave Thomas. But what I really want is the car
=== Level 5: The Cave ===
Ristar: The fog is getting a lot thicker in here
DR, bleeding out his eyes: I'm not sure we should be in here
Ristar: Nonsense, I feel fine. 
DR: Well I'm your clone so it's probably just placebo effect
Ristar: Let’s see… there appears to be some sort of giant machine this smog is coming from
DR: Whenever I’m in a situation like this, there’s usually some sort of button that turns the machine off
Ristar: But there are so many buttons here, what are we to do. I’m so confused that I don’t even know what to do with myself. Maybe we should give up
DR: This world has fucked up my body too much for us to give up now. It’s a new thing that I invented called sunk cost fallacy. There’s gotta be another way
???: WHo are YOU and HOW DARE you enter my SMOG. CAVE.
Ristar: My name is Ristar, and this is my gay clone Dark Ristar. Tell em Dark Ristar
Dark Ristar tries to say something but instead coughs out a part of his spine.
???: IIIII am the HOBSMOGLIN and I run these CAVES. I am the JUDge, the JURY, the EXECUTIONER, the SECRETARY, the DISTRICT MANAGER, and i am even the JANITOR and i PISSED EVERYWHERE TOO! All for our GLORIOUS PRESIDENT, the RAGING DESPOT. 
Ristar: Hey Hobsmoglin can we get some water for my buddy here
Hobsmoglin: oh you WOULD LIKE water WOULDN’T YOU? Unfortunately we only have SMOG
Ristar: Uh, hey Dark Ristar is it okay if we get smog instead of water?
DR, lying in a pool of his own blood and bones: No I really need water right now 
Ristar: He said no
Hobsmoglin: OOOOOOOH, TOO BAD about that cause ALL I HAVE is SMOG
==== After Boss Fight with Hobsmoglin ====
Hogsmoglin: If you guys WANTED to EAT SMOG SO BAD, you COULD’VE JUST ASKED!
Ristar chainsaws him in half
Ristar: Nice try, but these days all I eat is corn
DR: Hot dog or hamburger style?
Ristar: Uh, hamburger
DR: Yeah I wouldn’t expect you to be able to eat corn the long way 
The smog dissipates
Mayor: Thank you, because of your help we now live in a smogless town. Now I can continue siphoning taxpayer money to pay for my own lavish furnishings
DR: All in a day’s work
=== Level 6: Back at Wendy’s ===
GR: And then one time me and my friend Clownboy played go karts at the president’s house and we were almost shot by the secret service
Dave: Oh my god that’s crazy dude
GR: Then one time I got sucked into the vat of dimension juice but I escaped
Dave: I feel like you can tell me anything man
GR: Yeah I also feel like that, smiles and blushes
Penguo: Hey look the smog is clearing up
Dave: The what? The huh? I was busy talking to my new friend Grey Ristar. Anyway yeah your restaurant is fine LISTEN. You need to give this guy a promotion, Penguo. 
Penguo: He doesn’t even work here
Dave: I gotta go bomb an Arby’s, I hope you put that car to good use Grey Ristar
GR: I’ll try.
Dave leaves
GR: Hey Radical Red Ristar, you want a car? Bisexuals can’t drive
RRR: Wow, I always wanted a car. Is that a Tesla Challenger?
GR: Yeah, named after the spaceship that Big Bird was on
RRR: Woah I love Big Bird and all his muppet lovers. Mind if I take it for a spiiiiiiiin?
Radical Red Ristar gets in the car and turns on the ignition. He checks his mirrors and backs out of the parking spot. He gets onto the road and then the car explodes
GR: OH GOD
Grey Ristar runs out to the wreckage
GR: Red! Speak to me! This can’t be happening, I’m almost crying. 
RRR: Grey, I’m dying from that explosion. I definitely should’ve worn a seatbelt. I want you to tell Ristar that I’m sorry. I was just trying to look out for the family, I didn’t know things would go the way they did. Tell him that, in another life… I would’ve really liked just smoking crystal meth and killing hookers with him. Forever. 
GR: I will, Red
RRR: But this is most important of all. Find Harribo.
Radical Red Ristar dies in Grey Ristar’s arms
GR: Good night, comrade. Good night.
Ristar: Hey guys short time no see. what’s up
GR: Not much, Radical Red Ristar died because his car exploded.
Ristar: Serves him right.
GR: Before he died, he told me to tell you some things
Ristar: If he really wanted to tell me, he would've lived
SR: Dad dad, what was it like in the smog dimension
DR: That was the worst place I’ve ever been to, son. There was no water. It smelled like poison. I had to swim through a pile of my own viscera to get out of there. There were no bathrooms. Ristar was there. The only Mtn. Dew flavor they had was Because the Internet. After we beat the guy who made the smog machine we had to fight human-sized leeches. But other than all of that it was pretty cool.
Ristar: The Mayor told us that the Raging Despot is located on the West Coast
SR: Wow, that’s pretty far, that’ll take us  35 hours by car or 59 hours if we use public transit
GR: Well in my opimium we should take car, because thastist fastest.
Penguo: Since your new car exploded I can drive you guys
[NEW ALLY: THE WENDY’S WORKER, PENGUO! ABILITY - ANTARCTIC GHOST]
Ristar: Hey why is your ability a ghost
Penguo: I wouldn’t worry about all that
A figure in a red hood appears
???: You fools, you will never defeat the Raging Despot!
Ristar: Clearly you don’t understand how a Ristar adventure works
GR: Oh hey Ambassador of the Raging Despot what are you doing here
AotRD: I’m here to say that you have no idea what you’re getting into. You’re messing with powers beyond your wildest comprehension. You mess with the bull you get the fangs. Fuck! Nope, let me start over
DR: Yeah well I think that the Raging Dipshit KNOWS he can’t beat us and he’s not even gonna try.
AotRD: Okay buddy keep telling yourself that.
The Ambassador disappears in a cloud of smoke
Penguo: That better not be smog or I’m gonna be really mad
GR: Don’t worry that’s just average smoke, like you’d see after a refreshing cigar
=== Level 7: The Road Trip ===
Penguo: Okay everybody get in my car. Ristar are you buckled in?
Ristar: I always follow traffic safety laws
Penguo: Is that a yes?
Ristar: Fuckin, yeah. That’s the law
GR: Not in New Hampshire
Ristar: What?
GR: New Hampshire is the only state where it’s legal to ride in a car without a seatbelt
Ristar: Why do you know this off the top of your head
SR: Hehehe, you said TOP. and HEAD.
Ristar: Shut the hell up you dumbass crumbass kid
DR: Hey, you can’t talk to my son that way
Penguo: Does everyone have their seatbelts on
GR: Yeah I do
DR: Seatbelts are hetero propaganda
SR: Wow, I’ve never been in a car before. What mileage does this get?
Penguo: With modern gas prices, I can’t afford to think about mileage. Everyone got their CDs?
Ristar: Never leave the house without it.
From here there is a 35 hour driving section, not accounting for gas and rest stops, where if you go above the speed limit your engine explodes. The following are a list of possible lines of dialogue during the drive
DR: Hey guys, did you know that New Hampshire legalized gay marriage in 2010
GR: I remember that I was there
SR: That’s when I was born! Maybe some gay couples named their marriages after me :O
Ristar: If you ask me, gay marriage was “legalized” the moment the first 9/11 happened.
Penguo: The patriot act, I see what you mean
SR: Let’s play 20 questions. I’m thinking of an animal
Penguo: Is it a penguin
SR: 
Penguo: Is it a fucking penguin
SR: 
Penguo: Alright, I’m thinking of an object
GR: Is it larger than a small dog?
Penguo: How small?
GR: Like this small
Penguo: No it’s smaller than that
Ristar: How about a shoe, is it smaller than a shoe?
Penguo: Yes it would even be smaller than a baby shoe
DR: A never worn baby shoe?
Penguo: Especially a never worn baby shoe
SR: Does it have electronics? Maybe it has electronics
Penguo: I mean you can put electronics in it. You can put electronics in anything
DR: I know what it is. It’s a lighter
Penguo: It isn’t
DR: You’re a liar. He’s lying. RIGGED.
Ristar: Dark Ristar if you keep wasting our questions like that I’m going to tear you asunder.
DR: I’m sorry guys, I’ll try to do better at this game
SR: Is it made of metal?
Penguo: No
SR: Plastic?
Penguo: NoOo
Ristar: Do you use it every day?
Penguo: Me? No. You? Maybe
DR: Is it soap?
Ristar: What did I just say about wasting our guesses
GR: Dark Ristar I love you but if we lose because of you I will help Ristar kill you and I will record it and post it on an internet red room and say it was your son
SR: Hm this gives me an idea
DR: I need you to be not so toughies on me
Penguo: It’s not soap 
GR: Do you usually find it in a house?
Penguo: I mean it can be in a house. It can be anywhere if you bring it with you
GR: Penguo I want you to think of every single time you’ve seen this item and then I want you to think about how many times you’ve seen it in a house vs. seen it not in a house and I want you to tell me the percentages
Penguo: I’m not going to do that. Let’s say yes
Everyone: Yes
SR: Is it a type of food?
Penguo, sweating and coughing up blood: Yes
GR: Guys we need to think about this carefully. We only have a few more questions left and there are so many types of food.
DR: Is it a carrot
Ristar begins savagely beating Dark Ristar
Penguo: Damn, yeah it’s a carrot
SR: Woah, how did you know dad?
DR: Well, I’m considered somewhat of a carrotcel
Penguo: Hey guys, did you know that in New Hampshire it’s illegal to operate machinery on Sundays?
DR: Like all machinery? I can’t toast toast in my own damn toaster? 
Penguo: I don’t know, I just got that fact from a popsicle stick
GR: I’m assuming they mean like heavy machinery, construction equipment and such
Ristar: Okay but where do they draw the line? Is it a noise thing, and if so then what do they do about those assholes who make their cars as loud as possible?
DR: If you ask me, they should be rounded up and shot
SR: Yeah dad, rounded up and shot
SR: Hey, I’m getting pretty hungry, I just saw a billboard for a Wendy’s, can we stop?
DR: We have food at home
SR: But our home is 400 miles backwards
DR: You’re right. Penguo, turn this car around
Penguo: You got it boss
Ristar: Did we pack any food for the trip?
GR: I kept a fried egg in my beard, but at our last rest stop a raccoon ate it and also bit me
Penguo: That’s worrying
GR: No it’s probably fine
SR: You could have rabies
GR: I don’t have rabies fuck off
DR: Hmm let me test this
He looks up a picture of water on his phone
DR: Hey Grey Ristar look at this
GR: No problem JESUS CHRIST THAT’S FRIGHTENING
Ristar: Just what I expected, thankfully I keep my vaccines in my spare coat
Ristar: Hey did you guys know that Mount Washington in New Hampshire held the record for highest wind speeds ever recorded from 1934-1996 with speeds at 231 miles per hour?
GR: If I brought an umbrella up there I could fly. I could fly away and never be seen again in this no good town!
DR: If I could harness that wind energy, I could bring ruin to this world, but only the parts of the world made of sticks and straw, none of the brick parts. 
SR: Imagine flying a box kite in that weather. Yowza! I feel like I’m there!
Penguo: The Battle of Mount Washington was integral to the colonist’s victory in the revolutionary war, when they all threw pennies off the mountain and it killed the people downwind.
Ristar: That’s why his name was George “Mount” Washington.
Ristar: Hey Dark Ristar I didn’t know you brought your 3DS
DR: Yeah I never leave the house without it, it’s really easy to homebrew you know
GR: Woah, how easy?
DR: All you need is a 3DS
GR: Can I borrow yours?
DR: Yeah
GR: Woah this is super easy to homebrew, I’m watching Dinosaur Office right now
Penguo: Turn that shit off, you know how I feel about dinosaurs and office buildings
SR: No we don’t, how do you feel about them
Penguo: Offices remind me of prison, especially that show The Office. My cellmate’s name in prison was Michael Scott.
Ristar: And dinosaurs?
Penguo: Reminds me of my dinosaur cellmate Michael Scott, and he was a bad dude.
SR: Hey did you guys know that 76% of New Hampshire residents are circumcised?
Ristar: That’s crazy since roughly 50% of New Hampshire residents are women
DR: The first thing I did when I created Darland is make circumcision illegal, the second thing I did was smoke a half pack of marlboro reds
Penguo: You know those things take years off your life
DR: I’d rather die a smoker than live the joker
GR: Penguo you did crystal meth when you were in the Staten Stars
Penguo: I was only doing it to trick the toddlers into joining in
Ristar: He clearly hasn’t heard of the “it’s just candy” gambit
In North Dakota, a hitchhiker appears
Ristar: Hey let's pick up that hitchhiker
Penguo: There's no room, one of you will have to go in the trunk
SR: Oh me, I've always wanted to go in a trunk
DR: Kid, this is gonna be your first test. If you can be in the trunk for the whole hour you'll get your first Dark Ristar badge
Ristar: What the hell, I want a badge
DR: No way, you'll need a permission slip from your parents to be eligible to join the troop
GR: That's anti-orphan propaganda
Ristar: I'm fine with not getting a badge if it means those god damn orphans can't join
Hitchhiker: Hey guys thanks for picking me up
Penguo: No problem, it was Ristar's idea
Hitchhiker: Ristar, ey? Nice to meet you, my name is Ataraxia the Wizard
Ristar: Ever before no see, Ataraxia. These are my allies, Penguo, Dark Ristar, and Grey Ristar
Penguo: What’s up, shell nut?
GR: Yeah me too
DR: Why are you a wizard
Araraxia: What
DR: Literally everyone can do magic, why would you bother being a wizard when you could be something helpful like a DJ or an auditor
Ataraxia: I use my powers to see the future. Did you know that in 2022 183 people will go missing while hiking in the New Hampshire wilderness?
GR: We gotta warn the presses! 
DR: Yeah well if you ask me by trying to prevent that from happening we’d just be messing with the future inevitably causing more bad stuff to happen
Penguo: That’s not how the butterfly effect works
Ristar: It's not like we're going back in time to change the future
Penguo: Every action has consequences but that doesn't mean you just shouldn't do things
DR: Yeah well I think it should
Ristar: Time travel plots are hokey and overplayed
GR: So where are you going
Ataraxia: Well at some point my future sight shows the planet exploding so I think the end of the world is coming
DR: Yeah the sun engulfs Planet Ristar in 7.8 billion years, we've all seen the documentaries 
Ataraxia: No I mean like, this is happening Tuesday
Penguo: But that's in 3 days
Ristar: Maybe they mean it happens ON A Tuesday, 7.8 billion years in the future
Ataraxia: You guys are dumb as hell let me think about 7.7 billion years in the future. Hey look no earth
DR: If I thought about it hard enough I could probably also see into the future.
GR: Hey who wins the big game on Thursday
Ataraxia: Let me check, okay it looks like the cockroaches are beating the plastic
GR: Makes sense the plastic can't even move
Ristar: Guys this is bad, like really bad, like I'm straight up a little bit worried right now
Ataraxia: Our research indicates that the culprit goes by the alias the Raging Despot
Penguo: Hey that's the guy we're gonna go kill
DR: We'll leave you the bones after we destroy him. Yeah, leave you the bones so you can turn them into a potion or whatever HAHAHAHAHA
Ristar: You should join us, with your brains and my gun and Dark Ristar's gay beam and etcetera we can definitely kill the Raging Despot 
Ataraxia: Uh let me check
They pull out a magic 8 ball. 
Ataraxia: It says ask again later
Later
Ataraxia: Okay it said yes
[NEW ALLY: THE MORAL ORACLE, ATARAXIA! ABILITY - FUTURE SHOCK]
=== Level 8: The City Gates ===
Ristar: What a beautiful day in actually nevermind this place is scary
SR: Surely you’re kidding this place is awesome
Ristar: This place gives me the jibblies and don’t call me kidding
GR: Okay so I think we should split up to look for information
DR: Yeah, let’s do teams. I will lead gAy team, and my first draft is you, Grey Ristar.
GR: Yeah baby first draft baby
Ristar: Yeah well my first pick as leader of Being straight is cool team will be S
Penguo: Okay I just think it’s funny that I disrupted my life to drive you guys here and you aren’t even gonna choose me as your draft, it’s just funny is all
Ristar: God fine, Penguo
Penguo: Whatever
DR: Well then my next pick is my son, Sonk Ristar, cause fuck Ataraxia
SR: gAy team is the yAy team
Ristar: Well I guess that means that Ataraxia is with us then
Ataraxia: I’m not straight though
Ristar: You don’t have to be straight to be on Being straight is cool team, it’s all about the spirit of heterosexuality that can be carried by anyone regardless of their sexual preferences
Ataraxia: I’m not sure that that’s any better
Penguo: Alright we’ll search the West side, you guys search the East side
SR: But what about the North? And the South?
DR: Son, your next lesson is that East and West actually stretch on forever
Ristar: If I ever have a son, he’ll probably just know that without me needing to tell him and he’ll also probably be a lot cooler than that bum you call a sonk
DR: As soon as we deal with this guy I’m gonna wait for you to have a kid and then kill you in front of him
Ristar: Woah I'm getting deja vu right now
GR: Huh weird. It's probably nothing
Ristar: Yeah you're right it's probably nothing. Okay let's go
=== Level 9: The East Side Story ===
SR: Wow, I’ve never been outside of Darland before
DR: Yes you have you dumb kid, you don’t even remember when you went to prison 4 times
SR: That’s dumb, and I miss the old Ristar games
GR: We should talk to the locals, maybe they’ll know a secret
DR: Uh yeah everyone knows a secret that’s what being alive is all about is hoarding secrets. Hey sonk here’s 30 quarters go to the arcade and ask the nerds playing skee ball and the jocks playing hoops if they know anything
SR: That’s a good idea dad, I’m gonna go in and ask “Who up whacking their moles?” and once everyone laughs I’m gonna say “Hey does anyone know about this “Raging Despot “Guy?”””.
DR: That’s a good idea kid
Sonk Ristar goes to the arcade. Dark Ristar turns to Grey Ristar and the lighting gets all tense
DR: Yes, we all keep secrets, don’t we
GR: Huh what?
DR: There’s something you haven’t been telling us. Why’ve you been passing over Ristar’s questions about his past? Why were you so agreeable to not tell Radical Red Ristar’s last words? Why haven’t you been flirting with me? That was your whole gimmick. There’s something hetero going on here. 
GR: If you’re gonna accuse me of something, I’d rather you just come out and say it.
DR: Oh I’m coming out all right. You’re a smart guy Dark Ristar, I mean Grey Ristar. You know something.
GR: UHhh no imma dumbassss
DR: If you were just leading me on a wild gooose chase that would be one thing, but if my son is in danger that would be fucked up wouldn’t it?
GR: You’ve mellowed out a lot since you had that kid. Signing Ristar up for Grindr is nowhere near the evilness of your past plans
DR: Yeah well I did that because I misheard him when he was talking about Grinder’s. He said he likes their spudniks and I thought he said he’d like a stud’s dick. 
GR: That makes sense that makes total sense yeah
DR: When you have a kid your priorities change. It becomes less about using a gay beam to turn the entire world gay and more into teaching your spawn that the gay beam doesn’t work, what he needs to do is poison the water supply, and that if I die it will be on his shoulders to crush the pathetic people of this world under his shoe like a smaller than average bug, you thought normal bugs were small, but these bugs are small as like an atom. Then you gotta explain what an atom is and it’s a whole thing. Especially when his deadbeat piece of shit father walks out on you cause he wants to be a wizard
GR: So that’s why you hate the new wizard 
DR: I hate all wizards, they stink and they smell and that’s all they do.
GR: Well the last thing we need right now is more enemies. I just wanna go home grab a bowl of porridge and watch videos from Mr. Beast
DR: Y’know, if you ever need someone to watch Mr. Beast videos with, I have YouTube Premium
GR: That’s fucked up and I don’t think I’m attracted to you anymore because of it
SR: Hey dad long time no see I just got back from the arcade I forgot to say my joke and I spent all my quarters on the Cyclone
DR: Rookie mistake, that machine doesn’t pay out until it’s reached a certain threshold
SR: Why don’t they advertise that on the machine
DR: Son one day you’ll learn that everyone is a lying bastard, even me. Especially me.
GR: Did you find anything about the Raging Despot?
SR: Yeah, I Crouched (press left stick) and heard them talking about how they saw a red hooded figure talking to the manager at an Arby’s
GR: An Arby’s, ey? I think I know the guy for this job
Grey Ristar pulls out his iPhone 11 and dials a number
GR: Hey Dave Thomas? I think we can use your expertise
Dave: Okay I’ll do anything for you Grey Ristar you’re my best friend after all
GR: Great we’re at Darland 
Dave: Okay I’m gonna use my private helicopter to get there
DR: Hey who was that
GR: Just an old friend with a bone to pick with that dastard Arby
=== Level 10: West ===
Ristar: I think that our first order of business is to talk to the police, they’ll know about this evil shit
Penguo: If the Raging Despot is really in charge of this city, telling the police we want to kill him is the last thing we’d want to do
Ristar: Silly Penguo, it looks like you haven’t heard of something called “the first amendment”
Penguo: That’s true, I’ve only heard of the 2-18 amendments. I stopped reading after the 18th amendment cause it made me so angry
Ataraxia: They actually repealed the 18th amendment, you can drink a gallon of alcohol now
Ristar: Hm, I can’t remember ever drinking a gallon of alcohol before. Maybe I did in my past but can’t remember now
Penguo: Let’s go into this bar right here
They go into that bar right there
Bartender Hogan: Welcome to Alcoholmania, this is my bar where all my Alcoholmaniacs go to get a drink, dudes.
Ataraxia: We’ll all take a gallon of alcohol, barkeep
BH: You know dude, you could make that 8 gallons of alcohol, we could get wild brothers. Let's start a bar fight, dudes!
Penguo: Well we’ve never drank before, just one gallon of alcohol for us, right Ristar? Ristar?
Penguo sees Ristar eyeing a gang of toddlers in the corner
Penguo: Ah son of a bitch
Ristar: Hey, what are you toddlers doing here?
Toddler 1: Not much, just playing cards
Penguo: You wouldn’t mind if we joined, would you?
Toddler 2: Sure, plenty of room at the table.
Ataraxia: Do you know what’s going on here?
BH: I'll tell you a secret, dude. That gang in my bar is hired by the big dude in charge of this town as secret police. They're always on standby in case of a bar fight, or a riot. They keep the law and order in my bar. They're an amazing group of people, dude. I trust them with my life, sibling.
Ristar: So what game are we playing?
Toddler 3: We’re playing Dos, the sequel to Uno. 
Penguo, grimacing: Yeah sure, Dos. Love that game.
Ristar: So where are you guys from?
Toddler 4: Who wants to know?
Ristar: Me, that’s why I asked.
Toddler 5: A better question is where are you from?
Penguo: I’m from Wendy’s
Ristar: I’m from Long Island but before that I lived in New York City but before that I don’t know I don’t have my memories. I suppose I don’t belong anywhere, I once considered New York City a home but I was ran out of there on non-toddler genocide related matters.
Toddler 6: Y’know, normally we don’t cotton to strange star men with mysterious pasts who join our card games and ponder their place in the universe, but you folk seem alright. How about we take you to our secret lair, maybe we could turn you into orphans like us.
Penguo: That sounds great, can we bring our wizard and also the bartender?
Toddler 7: Yeah sure
=== Level 11: Arby’s ===
Cashier: Howdy, welcome to Arby’s. I’m the cashier and the manager of this here joint
GR: Well, you better get ready for this joint to get smoked.
Grey Ristar pulls out a THC vape
DR: Hey can I get a hit of that
GR: Yeah
Dark Ristar takes a hit of the THC vape
DR: Wow that does nothing for me
GR: Yeah it’s not really good at all
SR: Hey can I get a hit of that
DR: Normally I’d say no but this is so weak that I can’t imagine it would be harmful for you
Manashier: Hey you guys can’t do that in here, you’re breaking the law. I may need to call the open secret police on you
SR: Wow I feel completely normal right now even as an 11 year old
DR: I’ve heard that this Arby’s has been doing business with a certain red hooded figure, you wouldn’t happen to know anything about that would you.
Manashier: Who’s to say that I would even know anything about that?
GR: I don’t know, Mr. Hamilton might have something to say about it though
GR gives him a $10
Manashier: Why hello Mr. Hamilton, what are you doing here?
Hamilton: Well ever since I was killed in that penny throwing duel with Baron Brrr my soul has resided in this dollar bill. I think you should tell them about your boss.
Manashier: Ugh, fine. That guy is the co-owner of this establishment. Why do you wanna know?
DR: What’s it to you?
Manashier: It’s not about what it is to me, it’s about what it is to Mr. Hamilton
Manashier hands back the bill
GR: No dice, I was always more of an In the Heights guy
Manashier: Well what about Mr. Hamilton’s family?
Manashier opens the register and gives Grey Ristar a Mount Washington, a Jesus, and a Tubman
DR: We’re trailing a lead on the Raging Despot, his Ambassador matches the profile of your co-owner.
Manashier: Is that so? What a coincidence. Not important, all small beans to me, I have a business to manage
Above the building there is a loud whirring
Manashier: Oh Lord something awful is happening here
GR: Wow, that sounds like a storm or something. You should check it out
Manashier: No, no, it must be the opening tomes of the rapture. I’m sure of it. I’m gonna go home and repent for all the times I’ve been nude in my life. 
Manashier exits the building, missing that a helicopter is parked on top
GR: You came just in time, Dave
DR: Alright, everyone look through the files and see what we can find about the Ambassador
SR: I have some mail that was sent to his house but redirected here
DR: Son, it’s important to follow the laws regarding mail
GR: Wait no, does it say where his home address is?
SR: Yeah
DR: That was a test that you passed, you should always trifle through people’s mail
SR: Yeah dad, looking at other people’s mail is so fun. I feel like everyone should do it!
GR: It says that they live in the catacombs under city hall, that
The kitchen suddenly explodes and catches fire
GR: Dave, what the hell. We already got what we came for
Dave: I can’t help it, I live to bomb Arby’s
???: WHAT IN TARNATION
DR: Hey who are you
???: I’m the owner of this here establishment, what the devil are y’all doing blowing up my restaurant?
GR: No! It can’t be!
DR: It’s Arby.
Arby: I advise y’all to stand down, lest I shove my 10 gallon hat up your 9 gallon ass
Dave: Arby you old son of bitch, it’s about time I teach you a lesson
[NEW ALLY: THE HARBINGER OF HAMBURGERS, DAVE THOMAS! ABILITY - LOADED BAKED POTATO BOMB]
==== After Boss Fight with Arby ====
Arby: You fools, that whole time I was only using 1% of my power. You aren’t ready for my CURLY! FRY! CRUNCH!
Arby’s lasso turns into a curly fry, crunching all the heroes
SR: Looks like we’re gonna have to eat our way out of this mess!
DR: I have a better idea. Son, use your Psionic Blast
SR: Oh yeah I forgot I had that
Sonk Ristar explodes Arby’s hand
Arby: Nooooo, how could you defeat me!
Dave: Some day you’ll learn Arby. There’s only room for one fast food franchise in this world. You’ll learn that in hell though, cause you’re going to hell now
Dave uses his pitchfork to skewer Arby
GR: Alright lets go to the sewer
=== Level 12: The Sewer ===
Toddler 8: Home sweet home
Toddler 9: Hey guys what’s up
Toddler 10: Not much we brought these people with us we decided maybe we could turn them into orphans so they can join our gang
Toddler 11: That’s a great idea the world could always use more orphans
Penguo, whispering: I’m gonna be sick! I’m gonna throw up!
Ataraxia: I can’t imagine being in a more disgusting place.
BH: It's dark and smelly in here, dude. This sewer just reeks, brother. It's wet, it's cold and I don't like it. I can't see anything, dude. It's so dark in here, dude! I want out, I want to go back to my nice bar, dude. 
Ristar: So why did you guys decide to be in this location
Toddler 12: Well this place is just down the road from our boss’s castle
Ataraxia: What do you guys do for fun?
Toddler 13: We mostly play Dos and Skip-Bo
Ristar: When will you orphan fucks learn!
Toddler 14: Huh? What?
Toddler 15: I think this guy doesn’t like Skip-Bo!
Penguo: Or Dos! Dos sucks too!
Toddler 16: These guys aren’t here to hang out, that’s. Oh my god, it’s Ristar and Penguo, from New York City!
Ataraxia: You know these kids?
Ristar: I’ll explain it later, but we have a personal vendetta against small children with no parents
Toddlers 17-103: How dare you enter our realm! You must die
BH: I'm an impartial party that won't get involved in the gang violence that's about to unfold in front of me, dude. I'm a peaceful man, dude. I want no part of this. I'm just here to have a quiet drink, brother.
==== After Boss Fight with Toddlers ====
Ristar: Thanks for leading us to the Raging Despot, you dumb fucks
Ataraxia: That was the most horrific thing I ever did see
BH: Well, brother, this is exactly why I used to be a prison warden. People like to go wild in the bars and start bar fights, brother. As a prison warden, I was trained to bring order back to any prison fight. So brother, it's just like the good old days when I had that job! I’m gonna go back to the prison, brother.
Penguo: Alright so hey wait a minute I think I see 3 Ristars
Ristar: Hey guys long time no see
DR: I guess that even though you suck at life you did one thing right
GR: Hey are those orphans? If so good job killing those orphans
Ristar: Yeah those were orphans, they were orphans through and through. They lead us to this underground bunker
Ataraxia: This is a sewer, you can tell because there’s piss everywhere
Ristar: I’ve been living in Long Island so long that it didn’t even occur to me that’s weird
Penguo: Hey I see you’ve brought Dave Thomas, what’s up man
Dave: Yeah whatever
Penguo: I thought we had something special man
Dave: The only special we had was our 4 4 4 get 4 nuggets 4 4 dollars
Penguo: Wow what a bargain. I'm gonna kill myself I think
SR: There's no time for that, we gotta go to this castle!
=== Level 13: The Castle Gates ===
GR: Who would've thought that there would be an entire castle underneath the ground like this
Ataraxia: I did because of my future sight
DR: God will you ever shut up about the future
Ataraxia: Let me check. Yeah eventually
???: Hault, who goes there
Ristar: Uh we're the maids. Yeah the maids and the butlers.
DR: Speak for yourself, I'm the owner of this place who the hell are you
???: Me? Well, I'm just the gard, yeah the gard I'm a lion that doesn't know my past
Ristar: That's crazy, I have no idea what my past is either
GR: Hm this guy looks familiar
Penguo: Yeah well I don’t think he is
SR: Dad, this place looks like it took architectural design inspiration from our castle
DR: Yes son, on a surface level, but if you look clearly you can see that while our castle is made of marble with gay pride flags, this place is made of concrete with straight pride flag
SR: Straight pride? What do they have to be proud of?
Ristar: Wow I'm getting along with this guard so well I feel like I can tell you anything 
???: Yeah I feel like we’ve been friends for many years, it’s crazy
Ristar: Hey who is your favorite YouTuber?
???: Why, Anthony Fantano of course! I’m watching his new video right now
Anthony Fantano: Yeah I’m feeling a light 5 on Grey Ristar’s new album
GR: You fucking rat!
Ataraxia: Hey I know you’re a lion, we left some orphans back there if you want a snack
???: Oh boy orphans, my favorite snack. But I can’t leave my gard spot, what is a simple lion to do
Penguo: Hey we’re trained guards, it was a required course at butler school
???: Dang, maybe I should’ve gone to butler school. You guys aren’t gonna go in, are you? Cause I’m one good deed from getting my clip moved up from green to blue, and letting people in the castle would be bad for my optics
GR: We would never dream of going in this rather large building. It’s too large, what if we got lost? That’s why we won’t go in
???: If the boss comes by, tell him that I’m at. Butler school, not having myself a little snack
Dave: We all know the appeal of a little snack, don’t worry
The lion leaves to go eat toddlers
Ristar: Man, I kinda feel bad about lying to him
DR: You’re weak Ristar, you lack the secret spice that creates greatness
SR: Yeah you lack paprika
DR: Hey HEY. Don’t go giving away the 7 Darland secrets
Ristar: Trust me, I’m not slouching on the paprika. Hey guys let’s sneak in
=== Level 14: The Castle ===
Ataraxia: Is it just me or is this place bigger inside than it looked
Penguo: Yeah this place is non-euclidian as hell
DR: This guy doesn’t even know how to build a euclidean location and we’re supposed to believe he can end the world?
???: Hey what the heck guys I thought you said you wouldn’t enter this building
The lion comes in and is sad
???: I’m so sad at this betrayal, I think I’m gonna start crying soon
Ristar: Hey buddy, I’m sorry that we lied to you but we had no choice. We had to get in here because I don’t know if you know this but your boss is gonna end the world soon
???: Ehhhhh nooooo I can feel the tears coming, I’m definitely going to start crying soon. The Raging Despot isn’t that bad when you get to know him he just is a little quirky we all can relate
GR: Trust me lion this guy is a rotten apple, a bad seed, a crook, a cad even.
???: I have a name you know 
SR: We didn’t know that actually what’s your name
???: Uhhhhhh I don’t know, call me Barry
Ristar: Barry we’re gonna kill this guy and I’d rather not kill you cause we’re practically family so what do you say
Barry: The Raging Despot took me in when I had amnesia, I didn’t have anything to my name and he took me under his wing. I owe everything to him. I wanna come with you guys to see if we can talk it over
Ristar: You can come with us Barry
[NEW ALLY: THE FORGETFUL FELINE, BARRY! ABILITY - FIRE BLITZ]
SR: Hey guys let’s all take a picture together
Penguo: It’s a good thing I brought my camera
SR: Woah is that a polaroid camera like from the past 
Penguo: Yeah it’s a real polaroid, not only that but it was the polaroid used by that guy who took a frame perfect picture of JFK’s head exploding
SR: Woah that’s awesome
Ataraxia: I’ll use my telekinesis magic to take the picture
???: No need, I’ll gladly take this picture for you guys
GR: Cool yeah go ahead
Penguo hands the camera to the Ambassador
AotRD: Okay everyone snile
The picture is taken
AotRD: Okay cool now hold that smile while I kill all of you
The Ambassador uses magic to bring the roof crashing down
Ataraxia: Why didn’t I see that coming, I think this guy is immune to my future sight
DR: Or maybe it’s a skill issue you big dumb bitch
Ristar: Barry get out of the way. Oh no he’s got his airpods in and he’s watching Anthony Fantano videos
Barry: What do you MEAN OK Computer is only your sixth favorite album?
Ristar: Barry get out of the way!
Barry’s head is crushed with a piece of the ceiling
Dave: Guy like me would’ve gotten out of the way
Ristar: Barry speak to me
Barry: Agagagagag
Penguo: Wow it looks like this guy just suffered a concussion
Ataraxia: Part of his head is dented in he looks like a mildly crushed soda can
GR: I bet he doesn’t taste like one though, this guy is concussed through and through
DR: Son, this is your final test. You need to undent this lion’s head, only then can will you earn your final Dark Ristar badge
SR: I don’t know if I can do it dad, also why is this the final test we just met this guy this is anticlimactic
DR: I don’t have much time left. To explain. Why. So you need to do this
SR: Bokay
Sonk Ristar undents Barry’s head
Barry: Woah that hurt a lot. Hey Ristar long time no see. Why are there you many yous here and also Penguo and Dave Thomas from Wendy’s and a wizard
Ristar: Barry I’m glad to see you’re okay
Barry: Who the hell is Barry, my name is Harribo. Ristar don’t you remember me?
Ristar: Of course I remember you Barry, we just met earlier this day but it feels like we’ve been friends for years
Harribo: We have been friends for years. We were in a gang 
GR: Ohhhh that’s where I remember him from
DR: I forgot he existed until right this moment
Penguo: I knew it was you I just didn’t wanna say anything and make it awkward
Harribo: Do you really not remember me?
Ristar: I’m sorry but no. Maybe I need to be concussed to so I can remember you
DR: With pleasure!
Dark Ristar hits Ristar with a metal bat until all his teeth fall out. Then he grabs Ristar's bottom jaw with his left hand and his top jaw with his right hand and he climbs in and puppets him around like Big Bird. Then he puts Ristar in the reverse bear trap and hides the key behind his back so Ristar can’t see them and Ristar’s head is crushed. Then he ties Ristar to his motorcycle and drives him around through rocky terrain. Then he water boards him then he feeds him to a moat full of vicious crocodiles who tear him limb from limb. Then Sonk Ristar welds him back together.
Ristar: Sorry nothing’s coming to me I don’t even feel concussed really
DR: I forgot we were doing that
Harribo: I think that the Raging Despot brainwashed me and stole my memories
Ristar: Yeah well that would’ve been helpful to know
AotRD, on the phone: So there I was going to the kitchen and you’ll never believe who I saw. Oh shit these guys are still alive
DR: You thought a mere roof collapsing on us killing us would’ve killed us?
AotRD: Yeah I’ll be honest yeah
Penguo: Guys I don’t think this guy is messing around. I think this guy is evil.
Ataraxia: This guy is an anomaly I try to predict his next move and he just doesn’t show up
DR: Guys leave this one to me.
GR: What? That’s crazy this guy looks really powerful.
DR: I’ll be fine. I got a bone to pick with this guy.
Ristar: Yeah okay see you Dark Ristar
Dave: That guy has moxy. Remind me to hire him to work at my new location in the smoldering ashes of this castle once we’re done with it
Penguo: Great another Ristar I have to deal with
Ataraxia: Despite all the insults I’m rooting for you
DR: Fuck off you hack
Harribo: Wait why is Dark Ristar on our side. Every single time we’ve trusted him the slightest bit he’s stabbed us in the back.
Ristar: Yeah, ahhhhh memories
SR: But dad!
GR: Trust him on this one, Sonk Ristar. He’s fought tougher. 
SR: Okay. Love you, dadk.
DR: Love you too, sonk.
They all leave, leaving the dark star and the hooded phantom alone.
AotRD: I’m surprised to see you not take the easy way out for once in your miserable gay life.
DR: I don’t have much time left anyway, figure this would be a good way to spend it. 
AotRD: Lung cancer, right? What took out your Steve Jobs.
DR: I’ll take it you know that I know who you are. Gotta say, you’re looking more. Plok. Than usual.
AotRD: I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, Dark Ristar. I am Plok
Thunder strikes
Plok: And I don't mean it metaphorically, or rhetorically, or poetically, or theoretically, or any other fancy way. I'm Plok. Straight. Up.
DR: That’s not all you are, is it, hetero.
Plok: I know you feel it too, Dark Ristar. This timeline is an abomination. Long Island, Penguo, Harribo, Mountain Dew Because the Internet. This universe doesn’t fit right, and the seams are starting to tear. Entropy won’t get off its ass and destroy the universe so I am. Your lover found it out long ago. 
DR: I know he found it out, it isn’t hard to see. But this is the life that I raised my kid in. I made something of myself. I have something to lose.
Plok: It’s funny that your son doesn’t know. That he’s the bastard child of the man he’s walking away from his lame-o dad's last moments with
DR: If you’re gonna spit on my face, you better do it with that hood down.
Plok takes off the hoodie.
DR: You look like shit, Ristar
Ristar?: Same here, my evil clone.
The fight begins
DR: Last time I checked you were all about the saving the world crap, where did that go?
Ristar: I’m not loyal to bullshit timelines that don’t respect the rules of nature. The perfect world is under the leadership of our Righteous Dynasty, all other worlds must be eradicated.
DR: For something as convoluted as the multiverse, you’re awfully confident that your way is the correct one.
Ristar: When you’ve seen as much as I have, you gotta find something to believe in.
DR: So you’re not brainwashed like you did to your best friend?
Ristar: Your Harribo is not mine. Mine died like a king, yours is not worthy of that distinction. 
DR: Stop talking like a fuckin nerd.
Ristar: You project your arrogance onto me.
DR: 🤓
Ristar: Shut up
DR: So what's the point of the whole Grindr thing?
Ristar: There was a couple reasons. Poisoning the imposter against you, getting intel on his crimes, his allies. Some universes are more discerning than yours, I need an alibi for when I take my place back in those timelines.
DR: God I hate time travel plots.
Ristar: Everyone does, they suck ass. You’re slower than usual, out of practice?
DR: I don’t beat my kid, only other kids and their dogs. If I was trying to beat my own kid I’d be back in practice that kid’s faster than hell. Anyway yeah just let me warm up for a second.
Ristar: The child shows potential, his gifts are wasted lounging at your house watching Mr. Beast videos.
DR: He’s not old enough for Mr. Beast, we started him on Beast Jr.
Ristar: Once we kill you and everyone else, maybe I’ll take him under my wing.
DR: If you lay a hand on Sonk Ristar there will be hell to pay.
Ristar: Gonna be hard to rise from hell when your hell is obliterated. It’s going first too, we’re planting the bombs in hell.
DR: More like smell, the way you stink right now.
Ristar: You’re losing brain cells by the second, I’m barely tired right now.
DR: Yeah well you shut up.
Ristar lands a good hit on Dark Ristar and he’s brought to his knees. 
Ristar: Shame, even with your bum knees and back I expected better from you, old man.
DR: You gonna come closer or are you still too chicken to approach me.
Ristar lifts him by the throat.
Ristar: I’ll send your regards to your dumbass crumbass orphan son and his deadbeat dad.
DR: Ristar, I don’t think much of you but I thought even you wouldn’t fall for this one.
Ristar: What huh?
The gayralds emanate from within Dark Ristar’s soul. The ground begins to violently shake beneath them.
Ristar: But how? How didn’t I detect the gemstones?
DR: What day is it?
Ristar: It’s May 31st, why.
DR: It was May 31st a minute ago. It’s June 1st now, hetero. 
Ristar: No, it can’t be!
DR: For every child who feels at home in the crowd, for every elder who fought for us to get here, for my child, that he may live a safe life, free from the tyranny of the heteros. I will destroy you once and for all, my straight nemesis. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah get a taste of my
PRONOUN REVOLUTION INDEPENDENCE DRIVER ERUPTION
There is a huge explosion, evaporating the nearby scenery and unleashing a beautiful rainbow into the sky. When the smoke clears, Ristar lies dead, and Dark Ristar lies next to him with a smile on his face.
DR: Give ‘em hell, kid. 
=== Level 15: The Throne Room ===
Penguo: Woah that sounded like an explosion
SR: Dad! Is he okaY?
Ristar: Yeah he’s fine. Woah who is that
Sitting on the throne is a large cloaked figure
Ataraxia: I’m gonna use context clues and intuition to guess that this guy is the Raging Despot
RD: Hey what the hell get out of my castle
Dave: Hey I saw this guy before. I never forget a customer
RD: Hello Dave Thomas
Ristar: We’re here to stop you you dumb asshole! It’ll be a cold day in jail before you can destroy Planet Ristar!
RD: Who cares what you think you’re a robot
Ristar: What
RD: Yeah boy you’re a robot. My very close personal friend Kanye West replaced you after you blew up his space station. 
Harribo: That’s why you don’t remember me. But what happened to the real Ristar?
RD: I plucked him out of the timeline to be my hench, but he just died, I’m a normal amount sad but he should’ve been better at fighting.
R1574R: Oh man, what if that’s why I have no memories
Ataraxia: Yeah. Like, yeah man. That’s why you don’t have memories.
R1574R: That has to be the reason, I’m sure of it.
GR: Just who are you anyway, why do you wanna destroy everything
RD: Think about it, what’s a synonym for raging?
Penguo: Hold on let me check in my dictionary. Damn there’s so many
RD: Well I’m gonna give you a hint, the one I was looking for is wrathful. I’m wrathful. Like the sin.
Dave: Wait a minute… Kaiser Wrathful?!
KW: That’s right, but also think of what my initials are
SR: Kentuckyderby Winner?!
KW: No my other initials
RD: These ones
GR: There’s no way, it can’t be
SR: The legendary hero
R1574R: Ristar’s Dad?!
RD: That’s right, but you aren’t any son of mine. My son just died like the sackshit he is, I never had faith in him at all even.
Ataraxia: You don’t seem to care much about it
RD: That’s because my son was a doueche and I never want to talk about him again.
Harribo: But Ristar always said his dad went off to fight the Kaisers, now you’ve become one?
RD: I realized that the drugs and the sex were a lot better than living in a shitty apartment with my dumbass crumbass kid. And there were no gay people and that was cool too. So I killed a universe’s star and drank its blood and now I’m a kaiser.
GR: So why don’t you just hang out with the drugs and the women and the money?
RD: Your world sucks dick the long way
Penguo: Yeah there’s no other way to suck dick
RD: My question is why haven’t you been staking your claim in this world brother
Dave: I’ve found that free market capitalism is cooler than world domination
SR: It can’t be
Ataraxia: Dave Thomas was Kaiser Gluttonous all along!
Dave: I’d try to talk you down Wrathful, but we both know that would be a waste of time I could spend making burgers
RD: You’re weak Gluttonous, you lack evil, and evil is the coolest thing ever
Dave: You clearly haven’t had a good burger
R1574R: This is the final battle!
The team attacks Ristar’s Dad, but his powers of wrath are too strong.
Penguo: Damn this guy is tough, his wrath powers are super strong
RD: Call me an orca the way I’m killing this penguin
Ristar’s Dad pops Penguo’s head off like a champagne cork
Dave: That was my 3rd best manager you horse’s ass
RD: That’s what your burgers are made out of
Ristar’s Dad stabs Dave Thomas in the chest
GR: Dave oh my God this can’t be happening I’m crying right now I’ve been brought to tears
Dave: Watch over my daughter for me
GR: What’s her name Dave?
Dave: 
R1574R: Is she an orphan?
Dave: No her mother’s alive
R1574R: Then I will, Dave.
Ataraxia: Guys, I’m seeing thousands of universes. We win in like 60% of them, but we gotta punch him in the head to win.
RD: That’s it
Ristar’s Dad kills Ataraxia
SR: Dang it I thought they were cool
GR: Guess they didn’t see that one coming!
Harribo: I can’t punch him cause I’d look like an idiot but I can bite him in the head
Harribo bites Ristar’s Dad on the head
RD: Oough
Ristar’s Dad tears Harribo in half
R1574R: Harribo!
Harribo: Oh I think I’m gonna die from that one
R1574R: Even if you don’t die your quality of life will be severely decreased
Harribo: Well we don’t have to worry about it cause I’m definitely gonna die from that one
R1574R: I’m sorry that I can’t remember you Harribo. Even though I’m a robot I feel a draw to you like we’re platonic soulmates
Harribo: Don’t get sentimental on me just kill this guy. Maybe we’ll do better next time.
R1574R: I’ll find you, buddy
GR: Guys I have a plan, I’ll become transparent and sneak behind this guy to get him
RD: Yeah well now I know your plan 
GR: Damn it, this guy is good
SR: Our attacks have been doing like nothing to him, he has that helmet on
R1574R: Hey guys I have an idea
R1574R goes up to Ristar’s Dad and takes his helmet on and throws it really far
R1574R: Get out of here!
RD: Dang, that was my weakness. I wish you were my son instead of my flesh son is my son the way you thought to do that.
R1574R: I had a dad, his name was Steve Jobs, he was more a father to me and Ristar than you ever were you whore
RD: Hey if there’s one thing I’m not it’s a rocker
Ristar’s Dad throws R1574R into a huge vat of lava. R1574R gives a thumbs up in a funny reference
GR: Sonk Ristar you need to run
SR: But what about you
GR: Trust me I got this
Ristar’s Dad lifts Grey Ristar by the throat and squeezes him like he’s trying to get juice from an orange
GR: Stop juicing me!
RD: You gay fool, you thought you could defeat me? You aren’t the first Grey Ristar to try, to lead all your friends to their deaths. You’re just another in a long line of failures.
SR: Get away from my friend!
Sonk Ristar uses his psionic blast to destroy Ristar’s Dad’s hand
RD: Oh shit my choking hand
Sonk Ristar then pushes Ristar’s Dad into the lava, where he’s grabbed by R1574R’s waiting stretched arm. 
RD: Spoops
Ristar’s Dad is dragged into the lava, screaming as his skin melts.
The scene is surreal. With the bodies of their allies around them, Sonk and Grey Ristar walk through the gates of the castle. They see Dark Ristar’s shoes, and a tape player. Sonk Ristar picks up the tape player and they walk off, missing the polaroid camera and picture.
DR: Hey, kid. If you’re hearing this, I died. It’s about 3 AM, we’re up in Montana, you’re asleep in the trunk and Penguo is filling up the tank. Y’know when I said that if I thought about it hard enough I could see the future? Well, I thought about it. We’re walking into a death trap, it’s just gonna be you and Grey Ristar from now on. I wish I could see you fight in person, but the angle I got of the fight was pretty good. I'm proud of you kid, don't you ever forget that. 
Do you know that you saved me? Before I had you, I was heading down a path that I knew would've lead to my death. I just didn't care, I was so full of hate. When I had you, that changed. I didn't expect to be taken from you this early, but 11 years isn't a bad run, even though I was being killed by R1574R for 3 of those. You're the king of Darland now, and that means you get my YouTube Premium account. Grey Ristar's gonna try to get you to unsubscribe and just use Vanced, but don't listen to him. Mr. Beast gets a stronger cut per view with Premium and you can download videos for the road.
Penguo: Dark Ristar get back in I've been done for like 15 minutes.
DR: Shove the gas hose up your ass! Gotta go kid, take care of Grey Ristar for me.
You're going to be amazing.
Love, dadk.
== Trivia ==
The score for Dark Ristar's fight with Ristar Prime was composed by Bosco Mosco, and it was so good that CircleMakers hired him to direct Ristar 31.9. This game is believed to be the reason he mixed up Plok and Ristar.
While Grey Ristar's parentage of Sonk Ristar's is generally seen as a retcon, it is supported in the game files for Ristarpg, where his model name is "dark_ristars_baby_daddy.guy"
The licensed soundtracks played during the driving sections have received official releases, hidden inside human skills at undisclosed locations featured along the drive. They can also be found on the Ristar Vevo channel.
That one's real actually look it up.
Category:Games