Degenerate News Network

Degenerate News Network is the sixth episode of the first season of The Whatever Show.
==Transcript==
Perch: Hello I am Perch Perkins and I am being held here against my will.
(Liz is holding a gun to his head)
Perch: (sweating) Anyway, it's time for the weekly news! But not just any news. It's the SBFW News! First up… Pluto gets rejected yet again. What a surprise.
Pluto: Hey! She did not reject me! I simply got friendzoned.
Perch: Ouch, that's even worse! You heard it here, folks, Pluto got friendzoned!
Pluto: Suck on my dick, you heartless bastard! (leaves)
Perch: Who cares about him anyway? In more important news, CrazySponge dies… again! Oh god, oh fuck!
Cactus on the desk: Can I say something?
Perch: (screams) Sure, Cactus.
Cactus: police called after spongebob, squidward and mr. krabs are found having an orgy while patrick watches
Perch: Uhh… okay?
Cactus: Roll the clip!
Perch: WAIT NO
(A clip of SpongeBob, Squidward, and Krabs having an orgy while Patrick watches is shown)
Perch: NOOOOOO-
Cactus: Oh yeah, this is the life.
Perch: I FUCKING HATE YOU!
(Perch throws Cactus out the window. Cactus teleports back to her original spot)
Cactus: You can’t get rid of a SBFW user. Ever. Unless you say that magic words.
Perch: Which are?
Cactus: Pff… welp. (disappears)
Perch: Oh thank Neptune. Now then, where were we? Oh right, the SBFW news. Next up on the agenda is the weather.
(Perch pulls up a weather slide)
Perch: As you can see, there is a crap ton of degeneracy predicted for the next week or so. Maybe even the next two weeks. So remember, everyone, remember to shield your kids from SBFW before it’s too late.
(In the Woof household, Woof is looking at a picture of Kazooie)
Woof: I will treasure this image forever and ever. I’m still sad that r34 of Gardeners World doesn’t exist though. Maybe someday…
(Back to Perch Perkins)
Perch: Alright, now that the weather’s done, can I go home now?
(Liz is still holding a gun to his head)
Perch: Right. We’re going to be talking about the famous pedophile, Paul Renaud, who has been arrested yet again for pedophilia. Surprising, I know.
Paul Renaud: HEY!
Perch: When the- WHAT THE HELL?!
Renaud: Yeah, it is me, the famous Paul Renaud. Just wanted to say that this will be very popular on Vimeo! And remember: YouTube is for amateurs, Vimeo is for professionals! Fuck you Susan Whateveryourlastnameis!
(Renaud is then kicked out of the news building by security)
Perch: Thank Neptune that’s over. It seems that Renaud is now a runaway. Either that or Biden pardoned him again. Probably the latter.
(Meanwhile, in the Oval Office)
Biden: Yeah, yeah, and make sure to get those vaccine mandates good and strong so those Republicans stay mad. Fuck the haters. Also, I must say, Trump’s cock is-
(Someone opens the door to the Oval Office)
Biden: Is… very unattractive.
Hillary Clinton: Hey, it’s me. Bitch.
(laugh track)
Biden: Hillary Clinton?! What are you doing here?! You know we shouldn’t have even dragged this scene on for so long!
Hillary Clinton: Well, I guess you don’t wanna hear the big news.
Biden: What’s the big news?
Hillary Clinton: Trump’s cock is being sold as an NFT on the blockchain!
Biden: HOT- I mean… NOT HOT! I’ll buy twelve of those immediately, screw the environment!
Hillary Clinton: That’s the spirit! Back to you, Perch.
(Back to Perch Perkins)
Perch: Wait what? Uhh… let’s just ignore what happened there. Our final piece of SBFW news for the day is a juicy one.
Scott: HEY ALL, SCOTT HERE!
Perch: What the- WHERE DID YOU COME FROM?
Scott: That’s not important. What is important though is, I think a good round of Gex is in order.
Perch: What’s Gex?
(Gex shows up out of nowhere)
Gex: I’m Gex, y’all.
(laugh track)
Scott: You see it’s funny because it rhymes with sex.
Perch: You’re disgusting.
Scott: That’s what makes it funny. Hey, speaking of sex…
Perch: No.
Gex: Yo, can you guys wrap this argument up? I’m ready to use this very cool and radical gun that I have.
Scott: I like Gex!
Perch: Yeah, no shit.
Liz: Okay, everyone, it’s a wrap. I can’t fucking take this anymore. I have no idea what Gex even is besides the fact that it’s a lizard!
Gex: Honestly I don’t know who I am either. Bye now.
(Gex grapples his way out the broken window)
Perch: Why does everyone keep abusing windows all of a sudden?
(Liz shrugs)
Perch: Well anyway, it seems that’s a wrap. See you tomorrow for the REAL news. (gets slapped by Liz) OW!
(Scatman’s World plays as the credits roll, ending the episode)
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