Another No Malarkey Christmas

Another No Malarkey Christmas is the fifty-eighth episode of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It is a standalone special and is not a part of any season. Furthermore, it also takes place before the previous episode. It premiered on December 20, 2021.
==Plot==
After finding out that the elves have taken over Mr. Claus' workshop and turned it into a worker co-op, Mr. Pineapple decides to take Mr. Claus' place. 
==Transcript==
[The episode opens in Congress. The chamber is decorated with Christmas decorations.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Ah, Christmas. My favorite holiday. And you know why? 
Mr. Lobster: Because it’s a time to spend time with family? 
Mr. Pineapple: No, don’t be ridiculous! Because of the free stuff! Any holiday where you get free stuff I am a fan of. Christmas, Halloween, Easter- 
Mr. Lobster: Valentine’s Day! 
Mr. Pineapple: Well not Valentine’s Day. 
Mr. Lobster: Why not? Is it because Mr. Biden- 
Mr. Pineapple: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! Anyway, the point is I can’t wait to get presents! 
Mr. Lobster: But who’s gonna give you presents now that Mr. Claus is dead?
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT
Mr. Lobster: Yeah, didn’t you hear? He died last year. They *claim* it was because of the Plague, but he likely had underlying health conditions. 
Mr. Pineapple: So if Santa’s dead, who’s running the workshop now?! 
Mr. Lobster: Oh, the elves are running it themselves now. They turned it into a worker co-op. 
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT
Mr. Lobster: What? Shouldn’t you be happy about that? Aren’t you a socialist? 
Mr. Pineapple: Not one of *those* socialists! Those so-called “socialists” are just useful idiots for the State Department! I need to do something about this now! 
[Cut to the Elves’ Workshop. The elves are busy making presents when suddenly Mr. Pineapple bursts on.] 
Mr. Pineapple: I’m here to put an end to this capitalist coup immediately! 
Alabaster: Travis Pineapple?! We weren’t expecting any visitors today. But hey, while you’re here, why don’t you take your Christmas gift? 
[Alabaster hands Mr. Pineapple a lump of coal.] 
Mr. Pineapple: COAL?! First of all, Mr. R’Onion would be extremely disappointed with you. This stuff is terrible for the environment! And second of all, why would you put one of the prominent social justice activists in the country on the Naughty list?! 
Alabaster: Travis, you literally nuked the country. 
Mr. Pineapple: Exactly what I said! I’m one of the most prominent social justice activists in the country. 
Alabaster: Travis, we have a very busy shedule. We don’t have time for you. If you take issue with your placement on the Naughty list, you can always fill out the appeal form. 
[Alabaster hands Mr. Pineapple a form.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Nope. I’m gonna be taking Santa’s place! 
[He talks over to the closet, putting on Mr. Claus’ suit. It does not fit him.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Hm, looks like I’m going to need to call my fashion designer. [he dials his phone] 
Alabaster: Travis, the trip from Bikini Bottom to the North Pole is several hours. There’s no way they’re gonna get here before security ki-
[Suddenly Mr. Bass enters the workshop.] 
Mr. Bass: I’m here! 
Mr. Pineapple: Great! I need you to make me a Santa suit that’ll actually fit me! 
Mr. Bass: No problem, I can do that. I’m just gonna need you to drop your pants. 
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT
Mr. Bass: Well how on earth am I supposed to make a Santa suit that fits you with doing any measurements? 
Mr. Pineapple: You already took measurements last time! 
Mr. Bass: So? You could’ve grown an inch taller! It is an absolutely neccessoty that I have up to date measurements. 
Mr. Pineapple: Ugh, fine. [drops his pants and underwear] 
Alabaster: Aw man, you had to do that here? You couldn’t have gone into another room or something? 
Mr. Bass: Silence! Do not interrupt an artist while he is working on his craft. [he then bends down, taking out his measuring tape] …How has it gotten smaller since last time? 
[Cut to Hell, where Mr. Claus is hanging out with Mr. Devil and Mr. Laden.] 
Mr. Claus: So here wants to hear the story of Rudolph? 
Mr. Devil and Mr. Laden: Ooh! We do! We do! 
Mr. Claus: Alright, let me tell you how it all began…
[The scene cuts to North Pole High School. Rudolph can be seen approaching the building.] 
Rudolph: Wow, my first day of high school! I’m so excited! I’m sure all the kids here will be appreciative of the fact that our differences are what make the world such a great place! 
[Rudolph enters the school, only to be met with another reindeer right in front of him.] 
Reindeer: Your nose looks dumb. You should go kill yourself. 
[Rudolph’s eyes fill up with tears, and he runs back outside, only to bump into Mr. Claus.] 
Mr. Claus: Ho, ho, ho! 
Rudolph: What? Why are you, some random old man, approaching this high school? You’re not gonna rape me are you? 
Mr. Claus: No, that’s not what I’m here for this time-I mean, I’m Santa! 
Rudolph: [gasps] SANTA?! It’s really you?! 
Mr. Claus: Indeed it is! Say, Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight? 
Rudolph: AND YOU KNOW MY NAME TOO?! Of course, Santa! Of course! I’ll guide your sleigh tonight! Wait! Sleigh isn’t a metaphor for your penis, is it? 
Mr. Claus: No, it’s not a metaphor for my penis! 
Rudolph: …You sure? 
Mr. Claus: Yes, I’m sure! 
Rudolph: Okay, fine, whatever you say. 
[The scene cuts to Mr. Pineapple’s Workshop. Mr. Pineapple and Mr. Bass enter the main room, with Mr. Pineapple now dressed in a Santa costume that actually fits him.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Great work as always, Mr. Bass! Alright, now to start delivering those presents! 
[Mr. Pineapple jumps into the sleigh.] 
Mr. Pineapple: ALRIGHT, LET’S GO! 
[Nothing happens.] 
Mr. Pineapple: HEY! Nothing happened! WHERE ARE THE REINDEERS?!
Mr. Bass: Here, let me show you. 
[Mr. Bass walks to Mr. Pineapple over to the reindeer shed. There, the reindeers, along with Mr. Apple, can be seen.] 
Mr. Apple: [talking to Dancer] Sooo, you come here often? 
Mr. Bass: I hope you don’t mind that I brought my associate. 
Mr. Pineapple: Mr. Apple, you can fuck the reindeer later. Right now I have to deliver presents! 
Mr. Apple: How about just a quickie beforehand? 
Mr. Pineapple: NO! 
[Suddenly the reindeer all fly away.]
Mr. Apple: See, look what you did! Now how am I supposed to get my Christmas present?!
Mr. Pineapple: Nevermind that! How am I supposed to fly to all those houses and get free cookies?! 
[Suddenly a gas pedal can be heard. Mr. Pineapple looks to see Mr. Bass in the sleigh.] 
Mr. Bass: Hm, it seems this thing is motorized. 
Alabaster: Oh yeah, we stopped using reindeers due to animal rights concerns. 
[Mr. Pineapple hops into the sleigh.]
Mr. Pineapple: LET’S GO BABY! 
[He stomps down on the gas pedal, and the sleigh flies in the sky.] 
Mr. Pineapple: Alright, who’s first on our list? 
Mr. Bass: [reading the list] Uh…it says Mr. Biden. 
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT?! Oh, that sicko is definitely getting coal! 
[The sleigh stops on top of the White House. Mr. Pineapple jumps out and slides down the chimney. He walks over to get some cookies.] 
Mr. Pineapple: WHAT THE?! No milk?! 
Mr. Biden: Don’t worry, I’ve got some milk from you! [unzips pants] 
Mr. Pineapple: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! 
[He attempts to climb back up the chimney, but is unable to.]
Mr. Biden: I’m so happy! Santa gave me exactly what I asked for! [smirks Now time to go play with my present…
[Mr. Pineapple looks at the screen with terror. The scene then cuts to Mr. Bass, who is looking at his watch.]
Mr. Bass: Now what on earth could be taking him so long? 
[Suddenly Mr. Pineapple can be heard screaming.] 
Mr. Pineapple: AHHHHHH!!! YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAK! 
Mr. Biden: Ah, come on, Ms. Pineapple, we’re under the mistletoe! That means we have to fuck! 
Mr. Pineapple: THAT’S NOT HOW THE RULE WORKS! 
Mr. Bass: Ah. Well it looks like I had better call someone else to help finish the job. [takes out his phone] Hey Mr. Lob-
Mr. Lobster: I’M HERE! And don’t worry, I brought my rifle! [takes out a rifle]
Mr. Bass: What the?! Why’d you bring a rifle? 
Mr. Lobster: I thought we were gonna shoot up the White House! 
Mr. Bass: No! We don’t have that scheduled until next Friday. 
Mr. Lobster: Well maybe we could move it forward- 
Mr. Bass: NO! We don’t have time! We have to deliver presents for people! 
Mr. Lobster: Fine… 
[He grins and takes out a few bombs, throwing them down the chimney.] 
Mr. Lobster. Let’s get going! 
[The scene cuts to Rudolph, who is guiding Mr. Claus’ sleigh.] 
Mr. Claus: Faster, FASTER! [whips Rudolph] I need those cookies! 
Rudolph: Gah! You’re distracting me! I’m starting to lose focus! 
Mr. Claus: WELL, STOP LOSING FOCUS! [whips Rudolph again] 
[Suddenly the sleigh crashes into the World Trade Center. The scene then cuts back to Hell.] 
Mr. Laden: [claps] Wonderful, just wonderful! 
Mr. Claus: Ho, ho, ho! Good times, good times…yeah, Rudolph killed himself later that night. 
[Cut to the roof of another house. Mr. Lobster slides down the chimney. He takes a bite out of the cookie and then takes a sip of the milk, quickly spitting it out.] 
Mr. Lobster: Soy milk?! THIS HOUSE MUST BELONG TO SATANISTS! 
[He takes out his rifle and begins shooting at the glass of soy milk.] 
Mr. Bass: [glances at his watch] I should have asked Mr. Apple to come with me instead. 
Unknown: FREEZE RIGHT THERE! 
[Mr. Bass gasps, looking behind him to see the elves’ security guard.] 
[Mr. Lobster then pops up from the chimney.] 
Mr. Lobster: The threat has been neutralized! Uh-oh. 
[The episode ends.] 
==Trivia==
*This is the second Christmas episode of the series, and the third holiday episode.
*This is the second episode to not be a part of a season, the first being "EndMalarkey".