Episode 320: Sylvester Stallone/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 320: Sylvester Stallone.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter 	Sylvester Stallone? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Stallone. Everything okay?
Sylvester	(holding a ukulele) Oh, yeah, I'm happy as a clam.
 	
 	Four sad clams pass by, moaning.
Clam #1 	I'm so miserable!
Clam #2 	My back hurts!
Clam #3 	I've gotta work overtime tonight.
Sylvester	Well, happy as some clams.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Sylvester Stallone! Yaaaaayy!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
 	
Beauregard	Hey, don't you guys ever dust in here? (sneezes)
 	
 	Beautiful Day Monster sneaks up on Gonzo, grabbing the trumpet from his hands and playing the solo for himself.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, and welcome again to The Muppet Show. And it's gonna be a wonderful show tonight, because our special guest is a writer, director, and the talented star of that popular film Rocky, Mr. Sylvester Stallone!
 	
 	He is immediately flocked by screaming groupies, whom he quickly shoos away.
Kermit 	I'm sorry about that, folks. Uh, right now, we're going to present a dance from Hawaii...
Groupie (LG)	Is Sylvester gonna wear a grass skirt?
Kermit 	No! He's not in the number! Now get back to your seat! Uh, curtain!
 	
 	The Pigs and Penguins sing the "Hawaiian War Chant". Quongo the Wild Mountain Gorilla throws coconuts at the singers.
Statler 	Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow, ow, ow-ow-ow-ow!
Waldorf 	Hey — are you speaking Hawaiian?
Statler 	No! I bit my tongue! Ow, ow-ow-ow-ow …
Waldorf 	(chuckles)
==Backstage==
 	The pigs pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	OK, nice number. Nice number.
Pig (JN) 	Well, don't complain. Working on The Muppet Show's a great job for a pig.
Pig (SW) 	Yeah, I'll say. We could be working luaus.
Kermit 	Well, we're off to a possibly decent start.
 	The groupies sneak backstage and chatter excitedly.
Groupie (LG)	We're here! We're really here!
Kermit 	Good grief, it's Sylvester Stallone's groupie brigade. Uh, listen, girls! Uh, you're not allowed backstage during the show.
Groupie (KM)	Oh, it's okay, we've got passes.
Groupie (DG)	Yeah.
Kermit 	Passes? We don't give out passes.
Groupie (LG)	I'll say you don't give 'em out, frog.
Groupie (DG)	Yeah, they cost us a bundle.
Kermit 	Wait a minute. Who could be selling backstage passes around here?
 	Scooter enters, counting a stack of money.
Scooter 	…27, 28, 29 bucks!
Kermit 	Scooter!
Scooter 	Yeah, boss?
 	
Kermit 	Scooter, I wanna talk to you!
Scooter 	OK.
Kermit 	Uh — right now I've gotta introduce Sylvester Stallone. (the groupies gasp) But I want you to stay right here and don't move! (runs onstage)
Scooter 	Right. See how valuable those passes are, girls? The frog's gonna let us stay right here so we can see Sylvester up close.
 	They all squeal.
Groupies 	Up close! Up close! Oh boy oh boy!
Scooter 	Up close!
==Gladiator==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	OK, right now, we take you back in time to the old Roman coliseum, where brave gladiators sometimes looked like Sylvester Stallone!
 	The curtain opens on a Roman coliseum setting. A lion growls in a cage. Rowlf and Zelda Rose assume the roles of Caesar and Calpurnia. Sylvester the gladiator emerges, and the groupies go nuts from the wings. He tosses his helmet to a pig in the audience.
Sylvester	Hold this, guys.
 	The cage opens and the lion comes out. He stands on his hind legs and growls, but Sly growls back and the lion cowers and runs back to his cage, which shuts. Sly charges the lion with his trident, but misses. Sly pulls out a sword, and the lion pricks his paw and winces. The forum starts booing. Sly throws down his shield and begins punching the lion.
Lion 	(points) Look!
 	Sly looks behind him. The lion tries tiptoeing away, but Sly steps on his tail. The forum gives a thumbs down.
Rowlf 	Kill him! Kill him! Kill the lion!
 	The lion holds up his paws in protest, to no avail. The lion thinks for a second, then gets an idea.
Lion 	Two, three, four.
 	Cue the music. The lion and Sly launch into a duet.
Lion 	I say I'll bite you.
Sylvester	
And I say I'll beat you.
I say I'll beat you…
Lion 	And I say I'll eat you!
Sylvester	Fight you!
Lion 	Beat you!
Sylvester	Bite you!
Lion 	Eat you!
Both 	Let's call the whole thing off.
 	Sly swings his sword at the lion.
Lion 	Two, three, four!
I say Agustus…
Sylvester	And I say "Agoostus".
Lion 	I say quo vadis…
Sylvester	And I say where ya going?
Lion 	Agustus…
Sylvester	"Agoostus"…
Lion 	Quo vadis…
Sylvester	Where ya going?
Both 	Let's call the whole thing off.
Sylvester	We've gotta make this look good, all right?
 	They start play-fighting.
Lion 	If we call the whole thing off, then we must part.
 	He bites Sly on the leg. Sly picks him up, twirls him around, and throws him on the ground.
Lion 	So if you like Plato, and I like Pluto…
Sylvester	I'll give up Plato and stick with Pluto, and Mickey and Goofy.
 	
 	The forum starts clamoring. Sly and the lion have their big finish.
Both 	Let's call the whole thing off!
Sylvester	Come on, I'll buy you a steak.
 	Applause. Sly bows and showboats with the lion.
Waldorf 	Well, I always heard that music can soothe the savage beast. Now I believe it.
Statler 	Yeah, good thing the lion learned to sing. Stallone would've killed him.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The Romans pass by Scooter.
Green Roman 	Balonius and Stomp my Foot went to the fair. Balonius come back, who's left there?
Blue Roman 	Uh, Stomp my Foot.
Green Roman 	OK. (stomps on his foot)
Blue Roman 	(winces)
Scooter 	Oh! Okay, girls, here comes Kermit! Now, do exactly what I told you to.
Groupie (KM)	Okay. (they all hush)
Kermit 	Scooter, it's time we had a serious talk.
Scooter 	Boss, I understand you don't want these groupies backstage.
Kermit 	That's true.
Scooter 	I understand you're angry with me for letting them in.
Kermit 	That's true too.
Scooter 	Well, I wouldn't have if they weren't just so desperate to see you!
Kermit 	Me?
Groupies 	Yeah! C'mere!
 	They flock him. Kermit protests.
Kermit 	Girls! Girls! Girls! You're going to have to leave! Kermit insists upon it.
 	
 	They groan and nuzzle up to Kermit.
Kermit 	Uh, wait, wait now. Well, uh, well, leaving isn't what I insist upon, exactly. Uh, well, uh, standing quietly, uh, over there near my desk, uh, will do just fine. Heh.
 	He walks away happily after getting kissed. Scooter waits till he's gone.
Scooter 	He fell for it! OK, quickly now, up the stairs, we'll go to Sylvester's dressing room. Come on!
 	They all leave. One stays behind and looks back.
Groupie (KM)	Who was that small green man? (shrugs, exits)
==Dressing room==
 	Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter 	Say, Sly, could I have a word with you for a minute?
Sylvester 	Oh, sure, Scooter, come on in.
Scooter 	Oh, great. You see, there are a couple of your fans waiting outside. — Well, they're not waiting, they wanted to meet—
 	The groupies enter, squealing.
Groupie (LG)	Oh, it's really him! Touch me! Touch me, please! Touch me!
Sylvester 	Touch you? (he does so and they swoon)
Scooter 	See, I told you.
Groupie (LG)	Oh, look at all the bodybuilding stuff Sly has here!
Groupie (KM)	Yeah! Are you really training, Sly?
Sylvester 	Well, no, not really. I mean, I'm not really a fighter. I made a movie about fighting. But I like to uh, work out and keep in shape, y'know…
 	
 	He bounces his biceps and the girls go gaga.
Scooter 	What'd I tell you, what'd I tell you! Hey, Sly, could you show us a few punches?
Groupies 	Yes! Yes!
Sylvester 	Scooter, for you, anything. (stands up)
Scooter 	Oh, okay, girls, you hear that? Punches!
Groupies 	(cheering)
 	Sly demonstrates with a punching bag.
Sylvester 	This, this is a jab.
Scooter 	Whoa! Huh?
Sylvester 	More?
Scooter 	Please.
Groupies 	(cheering)
Sylvester 	Okay, this is a one-two.
Groupies 	(squealing)
Sylvester 	Okay, this is a big combination. One-two, and here it comes... Oh!
Groupies 	(squealing)
Scooter 	Could I have your autograph?
Groupies 	(squealing) Me too! Me too!
Punching bag	Me too!
Sylvester 	Who said that?
Punching bag	(sprouts a face) I did. Boy, Stallone, do you have some left hook. (laughs)
 	
==Otto the Automatic Entertainer==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	All right, and now, for something sort of different. Ladies and gentlemen, Professor Albert Flan and his Robot Comedian.
 	The curtain opens as a fanfare plays.
Albert 	Hello there, boys and girls. Is everybody having a good time?
Waldorf	No!
Albert 	Great. Haha! Well, we're sure having some fun tonight, huh? (chuckles) But look! Who's this? It's Otto, the Automatic Entertainer!
 	Otto rolls past him.
Albert 	Hi there, Otto. No, come back, come back. (chuckles)
 	Otto rolls next to him.
Albert 	Well, say hello to the nice boys and girls, Otto.
Otto 	(turns his back to the crowd) Hello, nice boys and girls, Otto.
Albert 	No, no, no, behind you.
 	Otto turns 180° and a spring comes loose.
Otto 	Whoo!
Albert 	(chuckles) Say, aren't you Otto, the six million dollar funny man?
Otto 	Boop boop.
Albert 	Shake.
 	Otto shakes, and his arm falls off.
 	
Albert 	(chuckles) Well, you don't get a lot for six million dollars these days. (chuckles) Yeah, a little topical humor there for the grownups. (chuckles) Still, I bet you've got some funny jokes for the boys and girls tonight, Otto.
Otto 	Oh, yes. There was this six foot parrot goes... (starts smoking) into this restaurant… (bleeping) ... to pay, but I can tap dance if you... (bleeping) ... and started eating the bagpipes. Ha, ha, ha...
 	BOOM! Otto's head explodes.
Albert 	Uh, wow, terrific. (chuckles) And now... Uh...
 	Otto's body collapses.
Albert 	Well, bye-bye, boys and girls. (chuckles)
==UK spot==
	
	"Lady Be Good" is sung by Floyd, accompanied by Dr. Teeth and Zoot.
==Dressing room==
 	Sly exercises on a recumbent bike. Someone knocks at the door.
Sylvester 	Hello?
Link Hogthrob	(peers in) Hello, Sylv, are you decent?
Sylvester 	No, but my folks were. Come on in.
Link Hogthrob	Rumor has it that there are a bunch of groupies loose in the theater.
Sylvester 	Oh, really.
Link Hogthrob	Yeah. Do you, uh, think I'm safe here?
Sylvester 	Yeah, I think you can rest easy.
Link Hogthrob	Hmm. You know, I noticed when you came here you didn't arrive with much baggage.
Sylvester 	Yeah, that's me, I travel light, no baggage, on the go …
Link Hogthrob	Yeah, that's you. (chuckles) Traveling light, yeah. Well, listen, if you need anything, you just let me know, huh.
Sylvester 	Well, thanks a lot, Link. I appreciate it.
Link Hogthrob	For instance, I mean, if you wanted my aftershave lotion, it's in the right-hand drawer.
Sylvester 	Well, thanks, Link, but I don't.
Link Hogthrob	Yeah, my cologne is in the left drawer.
Sylvester 	Well, thank you, Link.
Link Hogthrob	And the scented body talc is above the mirror.
Sylvester 	Link, you sure treat yourself well, you know that?
Link Hogthrob	Oh, can't complain. You know, us guys, you gotta stay fit, y'know. Watch this.
 	He punches a speedball, then winces and nurses his fist. The speedball reclines and punches him back, giving him a black eye.
Sylvester 	Link? What's the matter? What's the matter?
 	Link's snout is stuck in his mouth.
Sylvester 	Oh. I'll get it. (he pops it out)
 	
Link Hogthrob	Oh, tell me the worst. Did he mark me?
Sylvester 	Yeah, a little bit, I'm afraid.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, no.
Sylvester 	Hey, Link Link, don't cry, don't feel bad. You still smell nice.
 	He fends off the stench when Link's back is turned.
==William Tell Overture==
 	As the orchestra tunes up, Beauregard passes by Sam in the wings.
Beauregard 	Excuse me.
Sam the Eagle	(stops him) Oh! Oh! You can't go out there. That is the stage.
Beauregard 	Well, I know that...
Sam the Eagle	Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Beauregard 	I know that. I'm playing in the William Tell Overture.
Sam the Eagle	I didn't know you were musical.
Beauregard 	I'm not. (walks off)
Sam the Eagle	Hmm. Should have a lot in common with the rest of the band.
 	
 	The orchestra, with Animal on the drums, plays the William Tell Overture. The double bass player uses the strings of his bass as a bow to shoot the bass's bow across the stage. The projectile then pierces an apple situated on Beauregard's head. Sam facepalms, and the orchestra members laugh.
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Open on Miss Piggy talking to an unseen person behind a wall.
Announcer 	Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital.
Miss Piggy	(aside) Hey, when are we on?
 	She notices she's on camera and runs to the operating table, where one of the Hawaiian pigs lays.
Announcer 	The continuing stoooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
Rowlf 	All right, Nurse Janice, where is the next patient?
Janice 	Well, here he is, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Where's he from?
Janice 	Hawaii.
Rowlf 	I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	Oh, Dr. Bob, that is the oldest joke since they renamed the islands.
Rowlf 	What were they called before?
Miss Piggy	Sandwich.
Rowlf 	No thanks, I might get crumbs on the patient.
 	They all laugh.
Janice 	Dr. Bob, the patient was in the opening Hawaiian number.
Rowlf 	Oh.
Miss Piggy	Why wasn't I in that number? I can do the hula.
Rowlf 	I've seen you do the hula. You're no great shakes. (laughs)
Janice 	I think the patient misses Hawaii. He's homesick.
Rowlf 	How can he be homesick when he's right here sick? (he and Piggy laugh)
Janice 	I mean, he misses his home in Hawaii.
Rowlf 	Oh, I can fix that. Hey, patient?
Pig (DG) 	Yeah.
 	
Rowlf 	Watch this. (sways his hands and hums)
Miss Piggy	What is that?
Rowlf 	Swaying palms. (laughs with Piggy)
Miss Piggy	"Swaying palms"!
Rowlf 	Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! Have we got any, have we got any napples?
Miss Piggy	Napples?
Rowlf 	Mm-hm.
Miss Piggy	You mean apples?
Rowlf 	No, napples. You put 'em on pies.
Miss Piggy	Oh, no.
All 	Pineapples! (they all laugh)
Janice 	Oh, no!
Announcer 	And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Rowlf 	Is he still up there?
Miss Piggy	Where is he?
Announcer 	Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
Rowlf 	Hey, listen, maybe he's not really from Hawaii. Let's take his temperature and find out.
Miss Piggy	Oh — that makes sense.
Rowlf 	(removes thermometer) Yep, he's from Hawaii. Look — Five-O.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	"Five-O!"
 	Applause.
==Backstage==
 	The Vet's Hospital cast passes by Kermit.
Kermit 	OK, nice one, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Nice? It was a Hono-lulu!
 	They laugh.
Miss Piggy	We must've used every dumb Hawaiian joke in the book.
 	
Pig (DG) 	Hey, Hawaiians aren't dumb! You'll be hearing from my friends on Noman.
Kermit 	Noman? Where is that?
Pig (DG) 	No man is an island.
 	They laugh and run away.
Miss Piggy	He fell for it!
Kermit 	Yeah, if you think that joke was bad, I'm gonna go out and introduce Fozzie.
==Fozzie's comedy act==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, comedy magic with our own Fozzie...
Fozzie 	Psst! Psst!
Kermit 	— what?
Fozzie 	(whispers) Kermit. I cannot do my "sawing a lady in half" act.
Kermit 	How come, no saw?
Fozzie 	No lady. (Kermit frowns) Hey, Kermit, how about a "sawing a frog in half"?
Kermit 	Fozzie! Listen! You just start. I'll find you a lady.
Fozzie 	I'm not ready.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
 	The curtain opens as Fozzie's fanfare plays.
Fozzie 	Hiya, hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you, thank you and thank you! Haaa! Yes, sir, Fozzie the magician. Ahhh. A box! There's a box. Ha, ha, ha. Uh, uh, uh... Say, uh, who was that box I saw you with last night? (makes the box talk) "That was no box. That was my luggage." Ha, ha, ha! I am dicing with death out here, Kermit.
Kermit 	Don't worry, it's okay. I found you a lady.
Fozzie 	You did? Is she beautiful?
Kermit 	No, but she's willing.
Fozzie 	Good enough! Alrighty! Ladies and gentlemen, sawing a lady in half!
 	Otto the Automatic Entertainer, having been fixed, emerges on stage wearing a blonde wig.
Fozzie 	This is a lady?
Otto 	This is a magician?
Fozzie 	(swats Otto with his hat) Will you cut that out! All right, um, uh, all right, into the box, beautiful assistant.
Otto 	Into the box.
Fozzie 	Into the box. The box! Over here, the box!
 	Otto mechanizes his way into the box.
Fozzie 	You will notice that I did not touch or aid my assistant in any way. Get back, you fool! Into the box! Don't touch me! Into the box!
Kermit 	Just do the trick and wind it up!
Fozzie 	Uh, yes, sir. This is ridiculous. (reveals a saw) All right, sawing a, uh... thing in half. (begins sawing)
Otto 	Mama. Mama. Mama. Mama.
Fozzie 	Oh, shut up!
Albert 	Not the main power cables!
Fozzie 	Say, what?
 	
 	Fozzie gets zapped. Otto's head explodes. Fozzie collapses as the fanfare plays.
Waldorf	Yep. What did you think?
Statler	Shocking.
Waldorf	(laughs) Yes, but was it funny?
Statler	Of course not. That'd really be shocking.
 	They chuckle.
=="A Bird in a Gilded Cage"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	And here, once again, ladies and gentlemen, our very special guest star, Sylvester Stallone.
 	
 	The curtain opens on a bar setting. Sylvester and the Muppets sing "A Bird in a Gilded Cage". The song brings everyone, including Statler and Waldorf, in tears.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay! Well, the time has come to say goodbye, because we don't have time for anything else. But before we go, let's have one last round of applause for the one and only Sylvester Stallone! Yaaaaay!
 	Applause.
Sylvester 	Well, Kermit, I had a great time. I only hope I didn't hurt the talking punching bag.
 	
Punching bag	Hey, what hurt? Come on, Stallone, give us one for old time's sake.
Sylvester 	Okay. (punches the bag)
Punching bag	(chuckles) Hey, Stallone, my kind of guy.
Kermit 	Okay. That's it for now. We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! You've been a wonderful laugh track! Okay!
 	The banter continues as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	Well, they say all good things come to an end.
Statler 	What's that got to do with this show?
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts