Fix You

Shiftlock is flopped on the couch in front of the holo emitter (read: TV), watching a continual news feed drone on and on, because it's the sound of someone talking, and chases away a little of her mood.
Whirl is still getting used to the idea of having a roof over his head and having things to do with his life besides 'get high' and 'get arrested.' He's exploring the building, checking out each room, trying to get a feel for the layout when he stumbles upon this particular room. And Shiftlock. He ponders for a while whether he should stay and try to talk to her or just leave because CLEARLY she is working through some issues. But.. he also wants to be close to her, especially since she's the only one here he knows. Eventually he decides he should just move forward and he comes up behind the couch and the femme sitting on it. "Shiftlock."
She looks up at him and smiles. She seems tired, maybe a bit out of it, as if she's come down off a bad trip, but she's not put off by his presence at all, at least not in any visible way. She reaches up to him with one hand to pat his arm, shoulder, head, whatever is convenient and reachable. "Y'know, I'm glad you're here."
Whirl feels her hand on his arm and it makes him feel.. warm? He's not sure how to describe the feelings he gets when he's near her, but warm is probably the best adjective. The mech leans down, nuzzling his 'face' against her neck, bringing an arm down to drape across her torso. He says nothing for a while, just enjoying her company as he feels he doesn't know how often he'll get to experience it, especially if she feels the need to run away from him sometimes.
"I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry about?" Shiftlock asks, very comfortable with having Whirl close. She's one that seems to draw a good deal of strength and consolation from physical contact. It's reassuring, and as a racer, she's more inclined towards tacitility (is that even a word) than most. "You didn't do anything wrong. I brought all of that on myself by my actions and my lack of thinking about the consequences. I just... I'm still a little shell-shocked. I was so afraid that you and Hot Rod were going to fight and i was blaming myself."
On the opposite end, Whirl is uneasy about physical contact. Usual when he is initiating contact with someone it's either in an aggressive way or in a way as to make the other person uncomfortable. There's something right about this though. He likes this. A lot. Whirl leans waaaay over the back of the couch, eventually pulling himself completely over and dropping himself almost entirely into Shiftlock's lap.
"I've done a lot wrong," he says quietly, gazing up at the femme. "And I made you a target by association. Do you think you would've had this problem with any of your other partners? I'm a bad guy. I'm messed up. I'm a bad, messed up guy. A lot of people want me dead and you know what? I don't blame them for it."
Shiftlock is quite happy to have Whirl sort of fall in and lay all over her. She gently strokes the lay of his transformation plates, running fingers over seams and edges affectionately. "I've done wrong, too. Ratbat's put out multiple hits on me and I found out that the Decepticons have me on a a kill on sight list. Drift has been hunting me down and popping up everywhere and putting a gun to my head. I've hurt people thinking I was helping them, and I can't be upset with their anger. I think we're in the same position here."
Mmmm, her little touches feel so good. Whirl catches himself leaning into her fingers, positioning himself ever so slightly to encourage her to continue. He listens to her, though it's hard because of how AWESOME she's making him feel right now, and makes a mental note of the name 'Drift.' Should he come across this 'Drift' in the future, he will have no qualms about putting a bullet between his optics. He keeps this information to himself though; Shiftlock is a sensitive soul and he gets the impression that even guilty lives have worth in her eyes. He's a perfect example, isn't he? "It sounds like we're both pretty messed up." He laughs a little. "Like we were made for each other or something." There's a sigh and he turns his gaze up at her again, focusing on the features of her face.
"Kiss me."
"Do you have any places you like to be kissed?" Shift asks, leaning down and curling over him to place a trail of small, close kisses along the side of his head and neck.
Whirl wasn't really sure how his request was going to go and as soon as he said it he started to feel like maybe he was being too direct.
Then he remembered the last time he was so direct and how awesome that turned out to be.
The mech's entire body shudders underneath her lips, the hum of his engines growing louder with every kiss. "Hnn... Anywhere. Everywhere. I just want to feel you." He so desperately wishes he wasn't mutilated, that he could return her affections with his own, to feel the touch of her lips on his. He brings an arm up and gently touches her face with the tips of his claws, careful to keep from lacerating her with their sharp edges.
Shift gently takes hold of Whirl's pincers, holding his 'hand' as much as she can, before she moves around on the couch, getting out from under him and then moving to sit atop him, straddling his waist. She uses her free hand to stroke the sides of his upper torso, the outside his altmode cockpit, and with a playful expression, grabs hold of one of the guns resting right along the underside of the nose, toying with it.
Really, Whirl would've been content with just a peck on what used to be his cheek, what was happening now was more than he expected. Not that he's complaining of course! The more she puts her hands on him, the better as far as he's concerned. There's a grunt from his vocalizers when Shiftlock repositions herself atop his waist, a tingle of pleasure as he feels her fingers stroking the outer edges of his cockpit, and then a gasp when she takes hold of one of his chest turrets. It feels.. really great and he loves it but he also feels kind of... bad? Guilty? For some reason? Maybe because it wasn't that long ago since she was feeling introverted and troubled by everything that has happened. He worries that in a way maybe he's taking advantage of her, encouraging her to do things she might regret later. Despite these troubling thoughts spinning in his head, he makes no attempt to stop her.
"Hnn, Shiftlock." He places his claws on her hips and squeezes them, pulling her closer against him. "You're surprisingly aggressive."
"I am?" she asks, with a little bit of amusement and a large chunk of curiosity. She leans forward up against his cockpit, resting her hood against it to look at his face. She grins a little. "I dunno, it just seemed like the right thing to do. Plus you have guns and I don't, so it's kind of nice to have my hand on one."
Whirl's claws trace themselves along the outside of Shiftlock's thighs, pointed tips dragging up the sides of her body until they reach her face. He holds them there, staring blankly into her optics like a creep but the creepiness isn't his intention this time. "No need to explain yourself, I think it's great." He leans in, bonking his 'face' against hers. "My body and everything on it is yours. Don't be embarassed. Grab whatever you want." His voice takes on a bit of a sinister tone. "Do whatever you want to me. I want to be your plaything."
You can almost see the !? over Shiftlock's head. If this were a comic, it would -so- be there. "I...." She pauses at that last line. "... I don't want to make you a -plaything-, Whirl. I mean, I don't really -- I don't know what to do with you, like that. I'd be bad at it." The idea of owning him as if he were some piece of junk to abuse gals her; she thinks in terms of empathy, and she would fight like cornered animal if the positions were reversed.
It's no secret that Whirl has a lot of self loathing and that tends to come out a lot in the things he does and says. He's used to treating others like crap and he's used to be treated like crap so Shiftlock's reactions surprises him until he takes a moment to really think about it. He sighs and sits up though he keeps Shiftlock close against him on his lap. "I didn't mean it like that," he says a bit timidly, scratching the back of his head with a claw. "I guess I'm just uh... over excited." He sighs and nuzzles the side of her neck. "Let's take it slow. Tell me what you like, how you want it and where."
"I don't know," Shiftlock says with no small amount of embarassment. "I never knew any of it from the start, I was just curious and I figured that maybe if I just let mechs do whatever they wanted to me I'd figure it out along the way. I didn't --" She pauses, frustrated. "--I didn't expect that there'd be all these -feelings- attached to it. I just felt like .... "
"... after Mercury demerged from my body and left, I felt like the garbage left behind from someone better."
"Woah, woah, woah!" Whirl wraps his arms around Shiftlock and squeezes, perhaps a bit too tightly. "It's okay. Really, it's okay." He pulls his head back so he can gaze upon her, to look at her face and analyze every detail he can pick out like he was studying a work of art. "I really like you. /A lot./ You've stirred up feelings inside me I didn't think existed anymore and.." He struggles with his words. He's so bad at this emotional stuff. "Look, I just like you a whole bunch, okay!? I don't intend on disappearing and leaving you behind. There's time, and I want you to feel comfortable. I don't want to push you into doing things you don't want to do or are uncomfortable with. We'll take it slow, get to know eachother's bodies in time."
He gives her the most serious look he can possibly give. "You're not garbage. You're amazing and if anyone tells you otherwise, they can just screw off right to Cybertron hell."
"See?!" Shiftlock exclaims, exasperated. "I didn't want to change you or stir up feelings in you! I just wanted to have fun! This happens -every time-! I just try to have fun with some one and suddenly they're all 'I love you' and 'You're special' and 'Now you're my girlfriend!' and it makes me feel guilty and awful! I wasn't trying to mess with anyone's spark!" What she's saying might be hurtful but she's just young enough not to realize that. "I wanted to make people happy and maybe fix what was wrong in their lives but I just make it all /worse/! I don't have all the answers, I don't know what to do, and all I really want is for someone to FIX -ME-!"
Ugh, that was not the reaction Whirl was expecting. Like, at all. He was trying his best to seem sympathetic and patient but he guesses he just came off as clingy or desperate. Times like this he is okay with not having a face because he would be embarassed by the hurt expression he would no doubt be sporting. His embrace around Shiftlock loosens and he wiggles her off his lap so he can stand up, head turned away from her the entire time. He's trying to keep his emotions under control, trying not to let her words cut him as deep as they do. She's young, maybe she doesn't understand the punch her words have?
"I'm sorry, okay!?" he snaps, turning around to face her; hands held out in exasperation. "It's not like I wanted to catch feelings for you, okay!? I thought you were just going to be some random hook up that I never saw again! I thought you were going to leave my life like everyone else did, but you didn't and I got attached to you! I'm sorry you had some shitty experiences with other mechs and I was trying best not to be like them but I guess I am and I'm sorry I became your biggest mistake!"
No doubt he'll feel awful for his blow up but right now he is just really hurt and embarassed and angry at himself for letting himself think he and this femme could possibly have a chance at happiness together. How stupid could he be? He was a mistake and he always will be.
Shiftlock curls up on the couch.
"You're not my biggest mistake." She's muted and quieted by Whirl's outburst. She hates herself for making everyone hurt more and more, winding up into a tight little ball of self-loathing inside. "I didn't expect to feel what I feel towards you either."
"... I just don't know what to do." She covers her head with her arms.
That feeling awful thing Whirl was going to do later? Yeah, that got moved up to right now. Whirl doesn't seem to react, only because he's unable to make the pained expression that would convey the emotions he's feeling at the moment. Hearing her words, seeing her all curled up in a pathetic ball of despair following his reaction, it all makes him feel... things. Damn this femme, always making him feel...things!
"Hit me," he finally says, breaking the silence between them.
"..." She looks up at him, confused by his request. He wants her to hit him? When she's already hurt him enough already? No. No she can't do it, she can't hurt others and all she does is hurt others no matter what she does there's no escaping out of this all choices end in failure and misery there is nowhere to go no way to get out of this!
"No!" she shouts at him. She stands up off the couch and faces him, hands clenched. "No... no you /hit me/."
Whirl is secretly delighted that Shiftlock stood up to him (literally) but he's not nearly as delighted about her request. No matter how angry he was at her, he had no intention of ever harming her. This was different though and he has two choices: back down and leave, or call her on her bluff.
It's Whirl. What do you think he chooses?
It happens to quickly. Whirl swings his right arm at Shiftlock, smacking her hard across the face with the back of his claws as to keep from cutting her with them.
"HIT ME!"
The clang of metal on metal reverberates from the empty room, and Shift is shocked by the feel of it. She gasps and whimpers slightly; it hurt, and she can't stop herself from reacting to it. It's new.
There's a certain relief in it; she's being punished for hurting Whirl and it relieves her ache. Yes, -this- has to be the solution for all of her bad feelings.
She clenches her teeth, panting softly, before lashing out at him with her fist; she can't reach his face so she settles for punching him in the side of his chest with a snarl of emotion.
Whirl isn't privvy to Shiftlock's inner thoughts so he doesn't really know what she thinks of this whole thing. In some messed up way, Whirl is trying to teach her a very important lesson in standing up for yourself, in focusing your anger and frustrations into physical violence, in not being afraid to feed the beast that resides in every troubled person.
He takes her punch like a champ, not even flinching despite the pain it causes, as minimal as it may be. "Again!" he shouts, throwing his elbow out to nail her in the gut. "Hit me again!"
"Why do you want me to hit you!?" Shiftlock howls after getting up from the elbow strike. SHe's no expert combat artist and she's not what you'd call a Brawn so she's not going to do a lot of physical damage to Whirl. Nevertheless, she gives him what she wants and swings a solid punch at Whirl's midsection, where she can reach.
Oof! That punch was a lot harder than the last one. Whirl stumbles backwards and brings his claws up to touch the spot where she struck him. To his surprise she actually managed to make a dent!
"Because you have to learn! The world is a cruel place and it will devour you! You can't be afraid to fight!" He rushes towards her, arm outstretched to roughly shove and pin her against the closest wall. "You're not as weak and useless as you think you are right now. All those bad things that happened to you? All those bad feelings deep inside you? The anger? The frustration? The sadness? The self-loathing? The despair?" Obviously all things he has dealt with. "Let it be your muse! Use it to your advantage! Let it out on those that try to take advantage of you! On the people that will try to hurt you!"
"You think I don't know people will hurt me?!" Shiftlock shouts. "I was used in a fraggin' medical experiment! They tried to force me to be a combiner and I had someone else using my body and my mouth and my name and my LIFE while all I could do was WATCH for ALMOST TWO HUNDRED YEARS!" she howls, trying to slug Whirl again. "I want you to hurt ME! Make me LEAK!"
Whirl gets slugged right in that weird, featureless face of his but he doesn't seem to care, or notice, too much. He's too busy thinking about what she said, about wanting to be hurt, and although he doesn't share her experiences, he understands exactly how she feels. He would be a hypocrite to lecture her on this and, if his own personal experience is anything to go by, it would be cruel of him not to indulge her self destructive desires. So although it pains him to actually hurt her, he decides that it would be better for her in the long run.
He keeps his optic on her, his gaze never leaving her face as he takes his claws and thrusts them deep into her side; their sharp edges cutting through her armor with little effort.
Shiftlock's face contorts in agony and her optics widen as Whirl stabs her right in the side. She goes down like a sack of bricks, holding her injury.
Welp, she wanted to leak.
When Whirl pulls his claws out he finds them slick with Shiftlock's energon and he lets it dribble down his arm. He looks down at the femme now crumpled on the floor and just stares for a while, like he was struggling to accept the reality of what just happened. What he did.
"Do you feel better now?"
"...." Shiftlock looks up at Whirl and smiles weakly. "Yes. I just... I wanted you to hurt me, because I hurt you."
Whirl lets out a sigh and plops himself onto the floor so he can scoop Shiftlock into his arms and hold her. Hopefully her wound isn't too serious and they can get it taken care of easilly. "We're complicated people, both of us. We're both pretty messed up and we're bound to hurt eachother every now and then. You can't ask me to stab you everytime you hurt my feelings and I wouldn't want you stabbing me everytime I did something stupid."
"I couldn't think of any other-- *nnggh! -- other way to get rid of the hurt inside," Shiftlock explains. She winces and holds her stab wound; she's leaking but not gushing. Not something you want to leave untreated but she won't be dying for days. "I hate myself for hurting other people. I hate it so much I can't -- I can't stand it!"
Geez, this seems like a conversation best suited for a psychiatrist. Whirl can barely keep himself from imploding into a mess of despair and self-loathing, how is he supposed to help Shiftlock deal with her own problems? And how exactly did a make-out session turn into this anyway?
"Shiftlock.. I.." He groans and rubs at his 'face' with his claws. "Look, I can't tell you that I know how to help you. Every day I struggle with the reality of my mistakes and my flaws, I hate myself for some of the things I've done and the things my actions have caused. I can't fix you, I can't even fix myself."
He bonks his head affectionately against hers. "I know you didn't anticipate the feelings you have for me. I sure as hell didn't think I would become so attached to you either and I don't know if it will work out or if it will all go down in flames but.. I want to enjoy it while we can. If things fall apart, I want to be able to look back and say truthfully that I had a good time."
Shiftlock grins up at Whirl through the pain. "I think I can do that. I just need help figuring out who and what I am, Whirl."
"Well.. I don't know how useful I'll be in that regard but.." Whirl strokes the side of Shiftlock's face with the tip of a claw. "I want to help you, in anyway I can. Just.. just don't make me stab you again, okay? I mean, it's different if it's a kink thing..."
"It felt better when you did. Well, no, it hurt, but at the same time it made me feel better," Shiftlock explains. "I don't know if that's a good thing or not but at least... at least I know someone cared enough to try to help me. My life is so out of control!" She winces again, struggling against the pain. "All those years with someone else controlling me.... I don't know how to live without that..."
Whirl totally gets it, it's kind of how he felt when he had his guts ripped out."You'll learn. Think of it as a journey into the unknown or an adventure or something." He hooks an arm around Shiftlock's waist and slowly stands, trying to ease her up onto her feet. "Now come on, let's find someone who can help you with your mysterious stab wound."
<Fix You >