Goofballs/May 16, 2015

==Screenplay==
SCENE 1
MUSIC: electronic dance music - muffled - bg
FADE IN:
EXT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - EARLY EVENING - WINTER
Cars and other vehicles park outside IRmjii’s Ice Cream Parlor, inside which lights flash, indicating a party.
INT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR
MUSIC: becomes unmuffled - bg
A large banner hangs above the heads of many partygoers, reading “WELCOME TO CITY HALL, WESTON!” Many participants enjoy ice cream and other frozen desserts.
Pan through the parlor, until reaching one end of the building, signifying an imaginary V.I.P. section, in which the man of the hour, WESTON, and members VIOLET, BOB, WILLIAM and JASON stand, as well as a few of Weston’s friends and sister, WELBY.
WESTON
You know, this ice cream’s really
good --
VIOLET
Oh, shut up about the ice cream,
welcome to City Hall, man!
WILLIAM
Yeah, the only place where you get
to muck around 24/7 for a living.
BOB
Amen to that.
JASON
Hear, hear.
Members of the V.I.P. section raise their dairy in cheers, then proceed to bite off of it.
WESTON
Again, I can’t begin to thank you
guys enough for this huge party.
BOB
Yeah, well, you’re the first City
Hall member to actually be appointed
the position; we all had it handed
to us.
VIOLET
Yeah, you’re welcome for that,
by the way.
BOB
Thank you.
VIOLET
Uh-huh.
JASON
(in between bites of finishing
off his ice cream)
So, Weston, what do you think you’re
gonna do first as new City Hall member?
WESTON
I don’t know, I mean, I haven’t
really thought about it that much.
I figured it’d be almost the same
job as a moderator.
WILLIAM
Oh, no, no. You’re with us now.
There’s a lot of responsibility that
goes into a job like this.
OTHERS
(mutter in agreement)
WILLIAM
(beat) Oh, who am I kidding?
We eat pizza for breakfast!
Man, trust me -- this is the
sweet life.
VIOLET
Yeah, seriously, we literally do
no work -- we stay up watching
movies until 3 in the morning
almost every day of the week.
BOB
Yeah, and we get free food from
almost every place just because we’re
City Hall -- how do you think we
got this huge party for you?
VIOLET
It’s not just free food either.
We get free stuff from everywhere,
and we don’t have to do any work.
JASON
Now, wait a minute, that’s not
true. I do work.
VIOLET
Yeah, but you’re Jason. You’re the
only one old enough to do taxes and
shit.
JASON
Yeah, but you guys have to pitch
in sometime.
WILLIAM
(eyes glued to phone)
Shhhhhhhhhhut up, Jason, I just found
out that Flute Warriors 3 is out.
We’re stopping at playCenter after
this.
VIOLET
(sighs) Fine, William.
BOB
Jason, we don’t get paid for any of
this. We live off of our free stuff
and that tiny donation box.
WILLIAM
Yeah, and that’s got more cobwebs
than your mum’s panties.
(beat) Sorry.
VIOLET
Wait, why do we even have taxes in
the first place? We don’t get paid
and we own the city.
JASON
We... we don’t. I lied. I’ve literally
just been writing fan-fiction about
you and Bob for the past year.
BOB & VIOLET
(offendedly)
Jason!
JASON
(grins, points at both)
Jinx.
WILLIAM
Hey, wait, where’s Weston?
The four look over to see a blank space in the spot Weston was previously standing. Also, everyone in the proclaimed V.I.P. section has also left with him.
At a different corner of the building stands DA NERD alone, holding his phone in one hand and using his thumb to type.
The Weston V.I.P. party sans City Hall comes walking by Da Nerd’s area, which prompts him to put his phone back in his pocket.
DA NERD
Hey, Weston. Congrats, man!
The two shake hands.
WESTON
Thanks, man. Hey, what’s your name?
I haven’t seen you much around here.
DA NERD
Ah, I’d rather not say. At parties
like these, I’m usually just “that
guy” (pulls out phone) playing on
his phone to avoid any social
interaction.
WESTON
Ah, I see. Thanks for coming though.
DA NERD
You too.
Weston and co. walk off. Da Nerd turns his phone back on and returns to typing, and slowly gets a look of embarrassed realization.
DA NERD
(beat) Wait.
Meanwhile, the four City Hall gurus roam the party setting in search of Weston and his entourage.
VIOLET, BOB, WILLIAM, JASON
(all calling indistinctly)
Weston!, Where you at, Weston?,
Where’s the man of the hour?,
etc.
Pan over to Weston’s small group, keeping their heads low, who shuffle on in avoidance of City Hall.
However, Weston, at the head of the line, not looking, unintentionally rams his head right into the side of SIMON, holding a punch glass that spills onto his shirt upon impact.
SIMON
Whoa!
WESTON
Sorry.
SIMON
(wipes shirt with napkin)
It’s okay. (beat) Um...
whatcha doin’ there, Weston?
WESTON
I... I don’t know, what are
you doing?
Weston and his fellow mates get up off the ground, but Weston continues to try to find hiding spots and things and people to hide behind.
WESTON
So, what’s up, Simon?
SIMON
Not much. Um... I still don’t
know what you’re doing.
WESTON
Okay, honestly, I’m trying to hide.
SIMON
Why?
WESTON
I’d really rather not tell you why.
SIMON
(raises eyebrow) Simon says
tell why.
WESTON
(given in)
(sighs) That was clever.
Alright, I really don’t like huge
parties like this. It’s too
crowded, there’s so many people
here --
SIMON
Isn’t that the same thing?
WESTON
What?
SIMON
Well, you listed both it being
too crowded and there being so
many people here, and that’s
basically the same thing,
right?
Weston looks down for a second and back up, then perks up in awkwardness.
WESTON
I’m gonna leave now.
(to lackeys)
Come on, guys.
Weston and his gang walk off.
SIMON
Bye, Weston.
(calling from distance)
Nice talk! (raises glass)
Meanwhile, the four City Hallsmen have given up on their search for Weston.
WILLIAM
(sighs) I give up.
BOB
(swaying a punch glass)
Yeah. (beat) You know, this is
just like Weston. Why’d we
promote him in the first place?
I mean, we got enough people in
City Hall already, right?
Just more crowding is what it is.
VIOLET
(taking punch glass away)
Okay, I think you’ve had enough
of the punch. (beat) Now, I’m
gonna go spike the punch bowl.
Be back in a sec.
Violet walks off, leaving Bob, William and Jason.
JASON
You guys do make a cute couple.
BOB
You’re still on that?
WILLIAM
Come on, guys, this is a party,
let’s dance!
JASON
Yeah, Bob, dance. Your lucky lady’s
standing over there by the punch
bowl.
Cut to Violet taking out a smuggled flask and tipping it over into the punch bowl.
Cut back, Bob gives a fierceful slap in return for Jason’s comment.
JASON
(laughs giddily)
Meanwhile, Simon rapidly taps his thumbs on his phone screen to Flute Warriors Mobile. Da Nerd, walking by, bumps into Simon, spilling his newly refilled punch glass on his already-stained shirt.
SIMON
How many times am I gonna get
spilled on today?
Simon pauses his game and grabs the napkin sitting at the nearby bar that had been used to clean up his previous mess.
DA NERD
Sorry. You’re just really short,
I guess.
SIMON
(scoffs) You’re one to talk.
Simon unpauses Flute Warriors and resumes playing.
Da Nerd starts to walk off, but getting a glance at Simon’s screen, decides to stay. His face blushes in excitement.
DA NERD
Whoa, dude, is that Flute Warriors?
Simon pauses the game again in equal excitement.
SIMON
Dude, you play?
DA NERD
Yeah, dude!
SIMON
Duuude! Add me!
Da Nerd whips out his phone and taps on an app instantly.
DA NERD
What’s your FlutistTag?
SIMON
CoolMirrorMan0214.
Da Nerd starts to type it in but quickly looks up strangely at Simon.
DA NERD
Really?
SIMON
What? I like mirrors.
DA NERD
(typing)
Alright.
(after finishing typing)
There. I hope to face you in many
Flute Battles.
SIMON
Alright. (beat) Actually, can we
do one right now? It looks like we
both really want to avoid, well,
everyone.
DA NERD
Yeah, man. What were you thinking,
“Blown Away” or “Fingers of Fury”?
SIMON
“Aerophonic Destruction”.
DA NERD
Ooh, you have got yourself a Battle.
Both hold their phones tightly in readiness.
Meanwhile, Weston sits alone at the bar, while his henchmen dance in the main area of the parlor.
IRMJII, serving as bartender in place of a different one who called in sick, wipes the bar to attend to Weston.
IRMJII
Hey, Weston. What’s the man of the
night doing over here?
WESTON
I really, really just want to go
home.
IRmjii starts to mix a non-alcoholic drink.
IRMJII
Why’s that? I mean, you got this
huge party for the rest of the
night -- or at least until 10,
‘cause that’s when we close,
but enjoy it! 
WESTON
That’s the thing, though. I don’t
really like parties like these.
I mean, look how many people
there are.
IRMJII
Yeah, but the only reason they
came was because of you.
WESTON
Even the passed out hooker at
table eight?
IRMJII
You mean your sister?
WESTON
(beat after realization) Oh,
my God.
IRmjii, having finished mixing his drink, hands it to Weston.
WESTON
Thanks.
Weston takes a sip of the drink, but instantly spits it out.
WESTON
Oh! What is this?
IRMJII
Oh, I literally just took the two
nearest things and mixed them.
Looks like you got... hydrochloric
acid and... some punch that smells
funny.
WESTON
(sarcastically)
Thanks.
IRMJII
That’ll be $12.99.
WESTON
Put it on my tab. I’m probably
gonna be here all night.
IRMJII
10:00. Remember.
Weston sighs and takes another sip of his drink.
Meanwhile, a small crowd crowds around the two small phone screens of Simon and Da Nerd, who are nearing the end of “Aerophonic Destruction”. 
The crowd indistinctly shout things in encouragement of their favored players, including things at each other in argument of theirs and in dispute of the other’s.
Once the song ends, the crowd indistinctly cheers, while the game starts racking up all the stats. Ultimately, a “NERDWARRIOR12 WINS!” pops up on both screens. The crowd has mixed response in which those in favor of Da Nerd cheer and others boo or shout disagreements.
DA NERD
Nerd Warrior always wins.
SIMON
Yeah, except for all those times
you lost.
DA NERD
Well, yeah. Weird how we played the
same song 9 times in a row though.
SIMON
Crowd doesn’t seem to mind.
DA NERD
Crowd? What crowd?
(looks over to see a crowd)
Oh, my God, there’s a crowd.
Meanwhile, the City Hall gang watch from afar.
WILLIAM
Hey, he’s pretty good, don’t
you think?
JASON
Wh... which one? You didn’t point
to either of them.
WILLIAM
I don’t pick sides.
VIOLET
Yeah, well I’m betting that’s the
most fingering they’re gonna be
doing tonight.
WILLIAM
Violet, they’re like 12.
DA NERD
13, actually. We can hear you,
you know.
Pan over to see that they actually weren’t watching from afar, but a few feet away from the players.
Both Da Nerd and Violet go for a handshake.
DA NERD
Da Nerd.
VIOLET
Violet. You’ve probably heard 
of me though.
DA NERD
Nope.
VIOLET
What? I’m the owner of the city.
DA NERD
Oh. I mean, I just moved here like
last week, and I thought some guy
Arre owned it.
VIOLET
She founded it a couple hundred
years ago. I got it through
inheritance.
DA NERD
So... you didn’t actually do anything;
just because Arre’s your ancestor
means you can just instantly own
a city.
VIOLET
Yep.
DA NERD
Good to know. (beat) I’m actually about
to take off, but I’ll see you around.
VIOLET
Alright. Take care.
Da Nerd grabs his coat, gives a quick wave to Simon in temporary farewell, and walks out of the parlor.
EXT. IRMJII’S ICE CREAM PARLOR - PARKING LOT - NEARING 10:00
Da Nerd feels up his pockets to find his key, but can’t.
DA NERD
(sighs) Where’d I park?
(beat) Oh, right. I don’t have a car.
Da Nerd embarks on his walk home.
Opening sequence.
SCENE 2
INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY
The next morning, the four City Hall leaders sans Bob restlessly ear breakfast at a table in the City Hall office lobby.
Weston, dressed in a business suit and tie, walks into the front double doors.
WESTON
Hey, guys.
OTHER THREE
(indistinctly)
Hey, Weston.
WESTON
Hey, I heard someone spiked the
punch last night?
VIOLET
Oop. That was me.
WESTON
I figured. Also, where's Bob?
VIOLET
He drank the spiked punch.
WESTON
Ah. (hangs coat on coat rack)
Well, I'm gonna head to the office.
Weston starts to walk off.
WILLIAM
Wait. You know you don't start till
9, right?
WESTON
Yeah, I know, but I want to get there
early to move all my stuff from my
old office.
WILLIAM
Ah, I see.
JASON
There's no rush. A lot of people come
in 2 hours late and still get the
same amount of work done.
VIOLET
Weston's an overachiever -- 
You go, Weston.
WESTON
Thanks. See ya guys.
OTHER THREE
(indistinctly)
See ya.
Weston walks up the stairs and passes by a hungover Bob coming stumbling down.
WILLIAM
Sleep well?
BOB
(sleepless)
Yeah. (beat) Got a raging headache
though.
JASON
I’ll get some ice for that.
VIOLET
Nah, I got it.
Violet proceeds to splash her cup of ice water into Bob’s face, then promptly laughs. Bob, however, keeps his blank hungover face, grabs a chair from another table and pulls it up to the one the others are sitting at, then sits in it.
Bob grabs the cereal box sitting at one side of the table and stuffs his hand in it, then starts to eat it out of the box.
WESTON
(calling from office)
Hey, guys?
VIOLET, WILLIAM, JASON
(indistinctly)
Yeah?; Yeah, Weston?
WESTON
I think I... broke something.
Can you come here?
JASON
(sighs)
(calling)
Alright, I’ll be right there!
(to others)
Back in a sec.
Jason walks off towards the office to see what trouble Weston has gotten himself into.
Meanwhile, Violet grabs her keys and coat and heads for the door.
VIOLET
Well, I’m gonna go down to the
donut shop that opened not too
far from here. Anyone want
anything?
WILLIAM
I’ll take a bear claw.
VIOLET
Gruesome. Anything for you, Bob?
BOB
No, no, I’m set. I got my cereal.
VIOLET
Alright, back in 15.
Violet heads out.
WILLIAM
Wait, 15 what?
Bob shrugs.
Jason returns from the office holding a shattered copy machine. He drops it down on the table and rests his hand on it.
JASON
This is the kind of shit I have
to put up with.
WILLIAM
Wow. Weston did that?
Weston walks in behind Jason.
WESTON
Sorry. I was making a copy of
something, rested my arm on the
machine for a second, and the next
thing I knew, it was on the ground.
I’m really sorry.
BOB
Oh, my God, Weston. You know how
much that thing cost?
WESTON
No.
BOB
I don’t either.
WILLIAM
It actually wasn’t a bad deal.
It was on sale the day we got it.
BOB
Yeah, wasn’t it like 50% off?
WILLIAM
Yeah, at least.
JASON
Guys, that’s not the point! We
have to come up with the money to
replace this.
WILLIAM
Okay, when Violet gets back, we’ll
figure it out together.
BOB
Yeah.
JASON
Wait, Violet’s gone?
WILLIAM
Yeah, she took the car down to the
donut shop.
JASON
(dismayedly)
No, no, no! Oh, God.
WILLIAM
What?
JASON
I have to go pick up the paperwork
we have to send in tomorrow.
This day can’t get any worse.
WILLIAM
You can have my bear claw.
EXT. STREETS - HIGHWAY
Violet drives the City Hall car down the highway.
VIOLET
(sighs) I really wish we had music
licensed so I could have the radio on.
The highway drops down into a freeway, which is separated by a line of cones.
A large truck swerves down the other side of the freeway, with its horn blaring.
VIOLET
Damn.
Violet gets distracted from the road by the sight of the truck that she very closely misses the car turning onto her lane in front of her. 
VIOLET
Oh, God.
She slams her brakes then slowly accelerates again.
VIOLET
That was close.
Suddenly, her phone rings. She takes her eyes off the road again to find her phone in her purse (she has cruise control on, don’t worry). Upon encountering it, she answers it and returns her eyes to the road.
VIOLET
Hello?
JASON
(o.s.)
Violet.
VIOLET
Hey, Jason. What’s up?
JASON
(o.s.)
You need to come back.
VIOLET
Why? Can’t go 5 minutes without
a little Violet in the room?
JASON
(o.s.)
No, I need to use the car.
VIOLET
Well, I’m kind of on the freeway
right now.
JASON
(o.s.)
Well, turn around.
VIOLET
I can’t.
JASON
(o.s.)
Why not?
VIOLET
(with emphasis)
I’m on the freeway.
JASON
(o.s.)
(sighs) Okay. Can you just pick
up a copy machine on the way
back? Thanks. (hangs up)
VIOLET
What? Jason!
Violet sighs and ends the call, then puts the phone back in her purse. However, in doing so and not looking at the road, she doesn’t notice the car veering off to the left, and eventually it ends up on the other side of the road. Just when she turns back, a large semi with its horn blaring rams right into the car, sending it spinning and crashing into the side of the freeway.
INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY
Jason puts his head down on the table across from hungover Bob almost finished with his cereal, the busted copy machine to the side of him, and a dismayed William on the other side of him.
JASON
(sighs) This is exactly why I tell
you guys not to touch the copier.
WESTON
I said I’m sorry!
JASON
You just get back to work.
WESTON
Aye, aye, Captain. (salutes the air)
Weston returns to the office.
WILLIAM
I guess I could help pay for the
copier.
BOB
I’m just... trying to eat my cereal.
JASON
That’s not the part I’m worried
about. I just... (groans) I don’t
think this is working out for me.
WILLIAM
What? What do you mean?
JASON
I mean, I’ve had plans for that
company for years now, and I’m
still stuck leading a couple
hundred person city with 3 other
teenagers, and none of us have
any idea what we’re doing. I
think it’s time I finally do
something with my life.
BOB
What are you saying, Jason?
JASON
I’m saying... I wanna quit.
I wanna get the hell out of here
and finally start my company.
I’m sorry, guys, I can’t keep
putting up with all the stuff I
have to put up with here --
especially the seven thing, I mean,
what’s up with that? That’s what
drives me insane. Especially when
you go as far as not letting anyone
in who likes eight instead. And plus,
you guys knew this would just be
temporary.
WILLIAM
Yeah, but, I mean, starting a
company? You’re taking a shot
in the dark here.
JASON
No. (throws keys and ID on table)
I just don’t know where I’m
aiming yet.
Jason heads for the door.
WILLIAM
(hopelessly)
Wait... wh...?
BOB
Jason!
Jason walks out the door and heads towards the city entrance.
William and Bob sulk.
WILLIAM
One down, three to go.
BOB
Yeah.
Just then, Jason’s phone rings. William looks over to see Violet as the caller ID and answers it.
WILLIAM
Now’s not a good time, Vi.
VIOLET
(o.s.)
Um... okay, but I might be a bit
late coming home.
BOB
Oh, God, she’s not screwing another
hitchhiker, is she?
WILLIAM
(to Bob)
Shh.
(to Violet)
Why?
VIOLET
(o.s., hesitantly)
Kind of all of my bones are broken.
WILLIAM
What? What happened?
VIOLET
(o.s.)
Some dumbass in a semi took me out.
Can you come get me?
WILLIAM
Um... I would, but the car’s our
only means of transportation.
I mean, I could take the bus, but
I don’t think there’s a stop on
the freeway.
VIOLET
(o.s.)
So, steal a car.
WILLIAM
What, really?
VIOLET
(o.s.)
Yeah. Remember that summer I taught
you how to hotwire a car?
WILLIAM
Yeah, but... I don’t know.
VIOLET
(o.s.)
I’m sure they’ll understand. And plus,
we’re City Hall. No one cares.
You can leave a note when you’re
done with it.
WILLIAM
Alright, I guess. Be there in a bit.
VIOLET
Thanks, Will.
William hangs up and puts Jason’s phone in his pocket.
WILLIAM
Alright, I guess I’m hotwiring a
car and picking up Violet.
See ya in a bit.
BOB
See ya.
Bob returns to eating his cereal, and William heads out.
EXT. CITY HALL - PARKING LOT
William exits the City Hall building and looks around for a car. He finds a minivan parked in a corner and decides that’ll have to do. He gets in, does his work, and speeds off -- or, goes the 30 mph limit the minivan can go to.
TIMECARD: A very, very long time later
EXT. STREETS - FREEWAY
William pulls over the minivan to tend to Violet, laying with a bottle of scotch next to her totaled car.
He gets out of the minivan.
VIOLET
Oh. You’re here. Take me home.
WILLIAM
Will do. What do we do with the
car though?
VIOLET
I don’t know. I tried driving it,
wouldn’t go anywhere.
WILLIAM
Why would you try driving it?
VIOLET
I don’t know, could have been fun.
WILILLIAM
Alright, I’ll take you home.
Violet follows William into the minivan. First signalling, the minivan turns into an open spot on the right side of the freeway and drives off.
SCENE 3
INT. CITY HALL - LOBBY
Violet and William walk into the City Hall lobby, William eating a bear claw and Violet holding a copier.
BOB
Hey, guys.
VIOLET
Hi. Jason’s probably gonna be
real happy to find that we got
a new copier.
BOB
You didn’t tell her?
WILLIAM
Tell her what? (beat) Oh yeah,
by the way, Jason quit.
Violet drops the copier, which shatters on the floor.
VIOLET
What?
BOB
That was a brand new copier,
wasn’t it?
VIOLET
No, I found it outside the donut
shop, but what? Jason’s gone?
WILLIAM
Yeah. He said he was tired of
putting up with all of this.
VIOLET
Well, I can see where he’s 
coming from, I mean, I wouldn’t
want to have to lead a city
driven by seven and in hatred
of eight. That seems like
a lot of work.
BOB
But... Violet, you do.
VIOLET
Really? That seems like a lot of
work.
WILLIAM
(sighs) Bob, help me clean this up.
BOB
(groans) Fine.
William and Bob sweep up the shattered fragments of the copier.
VIOLET
2 broken copiers, a new minivan
and leave of a City Hall leader,
and it’s not even noon.
BOB
Wait, what do you mean new
minivan?
WILLIAM
Oh, yeah, the minivan I hotwired,
we’re keeping that.
BOB
Why?
VIOLET
6 seats, 3 leaders, we can all
lay down and take up two seats.
Comes in handy if we’re
travelling and can’t afford a
hotel.
WILLIAM
Yeah, and also with Jason gone,
we can’t afford to buy another car.
BOB
You know this is someone’s minivan,
right?
WILLIAM
Already taken care of - I left a
note and a couple hundred bucks
in the parking space it was in.
BOB
I’m pretty sure it cost more than
a couple hundred bucks.
VIOLET
Oh, shut up, Bob! Free minivan!
WILLIAM
Yeah, I’m gonna run down to the
locksmith later today and get keys
made.
BOB
(with emphasis)
For someone else’s minivan.
WILLIAM
No one has to know.
BOB
Well, I’m going back to bed.
This was a great morning.
Bob walks back up the stairs.
In a corner, a raggedy ADAM hides under a chair, holding a single apple, waiting for his all-clear.
VIOLET
I’m gonna go catch up on the last
10 episodes of Ttyl, what with
the party and everything.
WILLIAM
Really, it’s backed up that much?
VIOLET
Yeah, I’ve actually been doing
work.
WILLIAM
Huh. Alright, see ya. I’m gonna go
see what’s in the fridge and then
eat and/or drink whatever I find.
VIOLET
Good plan.
Violet walks into a different room, while William stuffs his face into the fridge behind the front desk.
This gives Adam an opening to run for the front doors. He makes it out easily.
EXT. CITY HALL - PARKING LOT
Adam looks around for his family’s minivan, but can’t seem to find it. He walks over to the parking space that he remembers it was in to find a note and an envelope.
The note, in crude handwriting, reads:
BORROWED MINIVAN FOR EMERGNCY
BUT KEPT IT CUZ WE WANTED IT
HERE’S SOME $ TO MAKE UP FOR IT.
- WILLIAM, CITY HALL
Adam opens the envelope to find a single $100 bill and a few 5s. His body fills with rage and hopelessness and decides to walk home.
Adam embarks on his walk home, with the envelope hanging out of his pocket. He crumples the note and throws it on the ground.
ADAM
Damn City Hall.
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