The Ballad of John Chaser

The Ballad of John Chaser is the title of the video in which Civvie reviews Chaser. It is the sixteenth episode of Season 5.
== Synopsis ==
Civvie struggles through Chaser, a bloated slavjank rip-off of Total Recall in which you play as John Chaser, the dumbest man alive, in his conflicts with the mafia, iceberg water smugglers, space communists, the Russians, the honorable Mr. Longwood, and of course, the yakuza.
==Video==
==Transcript==
*epic action music*
*spy music*
[OFFICER]
[CIVVIE] Okay. [OFFICER]
[CIVVIE] Oh, uhh… [OFFICER] *cut* [OFFICER]
[CIVVIE] I have never had a training mission fill me with this kind of dread. I wanted to have something simple to introduce the game to you kids, you know?
This is Chaser, a somewhat frequently requested game that I was able to pick up on Steam. It's from Cauldron, a Slovakian developer most famous for being absorbed by Bohemia Interactive
and then being put to work on DayZ. Remember zombie survival games? Anyway, as this game is unfamiliar to me, I'm going in completely blind,
and this training mission isn't helping. Calling the vent a pipe, re-writing the dialogue as a mission objective, so it's on screen twice…
I, uh… I know what you kids are doing, I know why you wanted me to play this already, and it's not gonna work, I've been working a lot on myself and my mental health,
and if you think that… [OFFICER]
[CIVVIE] This game assumes I don't know how jumping works while giving me the shittiest of jumps to platform with.
[OFFICER]
[CIVVIE] I just… how… "moving forward during a jump", you say? [OFFICER]
[CIVVIE] Very cool. Crouch jumping, can we just… [OFFICER] [CIVVIE] OH MY GOD, STOP!
[OFFICER] There is an elevator in front of you, which you must use to get to the next part of your training.
To activate it, use the switch on the elevator that resembles a door.
[CIVVIE] …"resembles a door"? What the fuck are you talking about? What do doors in Slovakia look like?
[OFFICER] [CIVVIE] Okay, now you're speaking my language.
No, no, we're done with the training. *retro-futuristic digital input sounds*
Majestic
*ominous intro music* Okay, I guess we're a space game now. The Colt Commando threw me off. I don't know much about guns but I know that's a real one,
and this setting looks like it's more pew-pew lasers than realistic guns… It's December 4th, 2044, and these two ships here are flying into the sun.
*boom* These two ships are flying by this…
Uhhh… okay? Guy on a table…
[???] Who do you think you are? [???] Chaser!
[CIVVIE] Alright, we're getting somewhere. This guy, I think, is gonna be our player character, and he's dressed in his shiniest suit,
because someone is very proud of their early 2000's specular effects, as you can see on literally every surface everywhere at all times.
We got some guys coming for us, they're wearing red, which means they're probably space communists, which is a thing that we will definitely see in the next 22 years,
and instead of like, spinning in a way to simulate artificial gravity, this space station is moving in a way to get you used to motion sickness.
[ENEMY] *badly timed gunshot* [ENEMY]
[CIVVIE] Okay, now we're gonna get into it, maybe pick up a gun?
All right, a fadeout, now it's gonna be gameplay. [ENEMY]
[ENEMY]
[ENEMY] [CIVVIE] Okay, we're on the elevator, so now we have to find a way to-
I don't know why anyone recommended this to me, this is the easiest game I've ever watched!
Oh my god! I think we've hit game! What's our objective? Hey! Okay, we've got quick-saves. That's probably good.
Oh, hey, a gun! A Heckler&Koch G11. This game feels like one of those mods that takes real gun names and-
OH JESUS, what's wrong with his hand? *honk honk* [ENEMY] Okay, that's enough, drop it!
Drop it now! [CIVVIE] Huh, that's weird. It uses the same sound as the Blood tommy gun.
This gun burst fires when scoped and has killer recoil. The Reload button is bound to Mouse 3 by default
by default and nothing, NOTHING is bound to R. Five years after Half-Life. We've clearly got some sophisticated AI here.
They sure know their way around these hallways, which are… well you see, a lot of these areas are copied and pasted…
Oh. OH NO. Goddammit. They've put bullet time in and didn't tell me.
And also they did the thing where it's bullet time but everything is still hit-scans so there's really no point to it.
So, let's take stock of this here, we're playing a space soldier game with a man who has amnesia, who has bullet time powers that don't let him dodge bullets,
using modern weapons that exist, in space, in confusing, copy-pasted environments that have no discernible path to progress,
and are exploding, and we're fighting enemies so dumb that doors kill them.
They may be dumb, but it doesn't matter when they're hit-scan bullet hoses. And their stupidity is unpredictable.
This one is stuck in a wall while this one wants to ambush!
And when you activate bullet time, which is bound to Caps Lock for some goddamn reason, the screen flashes like this so you can't see anything,
so the little bit of time that you get, you know how you're supposed to use bullet time to be faster than your enemies, except you have to wait a second every time you activate it in this game
so unless you do it before you're within line of sight of an enemy… there's no… Eventually I do find an escape pod and leave the station.
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
*ominous electric sound* [???]
[STONE] [CIVVIE] Okay, we're no longer in space, we've crashed into an apartment building.
The enemies have weapons that will sap your health incredibly quickly, almost unpredictably, they hit-scan you instantly from across the map,
and sniping them with my one scoped weapon is fucking useless because of the recoil. No, this is fine,
it's weird slavjank so it's probably only like 6 or 8 hours of game that I have to suffer through.
And now I understand what this game is. I get it. You guys don't see it? Here, I'll help you.
[GORDON RAMSAY] RAW! RAW! RAW! SHIT!
*retro-futuristic digital input sounds* At least this level isn't nearly as meandering and copy-pasted as the last one.
Brain Spider
Sure, all the areas look basically the same but there's a linear path through that I can follow. Punctuated by fucking weird jump scare flashes.
Which are sometimes like, a flash forward screen-shot to an area you see later, and then this one is just a white flash because fuck epileptics I guess!
These flashbacks are so powerful that they end the level. And then Chaser is wandering through a tunnel in the middle of traffic to a casino.
[TOMMY]
[CIVVIE] Oh, yeah, your name is John Chaser. That's not a joke! Chaser lands in this Matrix-themed strip club casino.
[CHASER] [CIVVIE] He talks! Oh, dear god, he talks!
[???] [CHASER]
[???] [CHASER]
[CIVVIE] Hey, you know what would be a good idea? Take out your wallet in front of all these people and make a point of showing all the cash you have in there,
and say you're about to walk home but you're gonna take a detour through the cement shoes factory and that no one knows where you are and that no one would miss you.
And you know what, for good measure, shit on the local sports team, the Montack Shiny Sox! Are you fucking kidding me!?
[MIKE GOMEZ]
[MIKE]
[CHASER]
[MIKE]
[CHASER] [MIKE]
[CIVVIE] So Chaser goes directly back to the casino. [???]
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
[VALLERO]
[CIVVIE] To recap, we're not one hour into this game and we've woken up with amnesia, been basically told that we were a resistance soldier named Chaser
who has too many Urban Dictionary definitions on his name for me to narrow it down to one joke. And we've become a mob lackey because while we might have been a soldier at one point,
we've forgotten how to not be the stupidest person alive. [MIKE]
[CHASER] [MIKE]
[CIVVIE] Okay but why would you want him to do jobs for you? He's the stupidest person alive. [COMMANDER]
[CIVVIE] That's not… "balance"… if the "scales"… no, not even important… [COMMANDER]
[CIVVIE] Also, Dude, Jap is not the preferred nomenclature, Asian-Montackian please. [COMMANDER]
[CIVVIE] The… yah-goots-a? [COMMANDER] The Yah-koots-a. [Italian CIVVIE] Oh, ayyy, the yah-goots-a! Those fuckin' jabronis!
Always breaking my balls with their shur-i-gans! [COMMANDER]
[CIVVIE] Oh, good, a forced stealth mission in an early 2000's shooter. As was the style at the time!
[COMMANDER]
[CIVVIE] In the most inconspicuous vehicle, this… fucking thing! That car wouldn't stick out more if it was actually on fire.
We're here for a stealth mission. [GOON] There! [MIKE]
*argh!* [MIKE]
[GOON] There he is! [MIKE]
[MIKE]
[CHASER] [CIVVIE] INSIDE WHAT?! [CHASER]
[MIKE overlapped] - Sorry, goodbye, chicco. - Good man, go up the stairs.
[OGAWA]
[CIVVIE] Oh, yeah, the City Senate. [FARMER from You Are Empty] The City Council, yeah! [OGAWA]
[CIVVIE] So, he's telling this to… Ant-Man? [CIVVIE] Yeah, well, get ready to forget this plot-line in an hour because it doesn't matter.
[MIKE] [CHASER]
[MIKE]
[CIVVIE] I mean, yeah, but only because I've seen Total Recall. [MIKE]
*echo* [CIVVIE] Okay, so we're going to go to Mars? [COMMANDER]
[CIVVIE] Am I not the mafia? But also, I'm a resistance soldier, or possibly a soldier quelling resistance on Mars,
but I can't tell if it's Mars because all the flashbacks are in black and white. Put some Virtual Boy color in that. [COMMANDER]
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
[MIKE] [CIVVIE] I know what you're thinking, didn't we just miserably fail that last mission?
Isn't the water supply contaminated now and so the Raiders have a monopoly on drinkable iceberg water that probably has prehistoric bacteria in it that will kill everyone?
Doesn't matter, never mentioned again. And I just spent like 45 minutes trying to navigate this samey, ugly, shitty waterworks level
where every enemy kills you in three or four shots from automatic weapons regardless of how much armor you have
and also most of the boxes with health crosses on them contain armor and you know, you go for head-shots, and this guy takes three head-shots,
and this other guy takes one, and they're the same goon. They're the same goon!
Yahgootsa
*retro-futuristic digital input sounds* [MIKE]
[MIKE]
[MIKE]
[CIVVIE] OH! Did you hear that? He said Yakuza right. And also underground, and you know what that means! *zombie sound*
We're getting more weapons, although I'm not sure it counts because they're more automatic rifles so like, it's the same shit!
You would think that fighting cybernetically enhanced Yakuza would be interesting and not just like fighting every other enemy in the game.
You would be wrong. The only difference is that the game puts them in little hard-to-reach corners of the map in destroyed buildings.
And the whole bullet time thing, It's not like in Max Payne where killing enemies recharges it, no, you have to wait.
For five minutes! So I'm plugging away at cyber-Yakuza underground,
they're respawning behind me because this game is cheaper than a one-titted hooker, before finally reaching someone who can take the spider out of Chaser's head,
that plot element that Chaser walked into like a complete dumbass two hours ago. [SHIMAKO]
[CHASER] [CIVVIE] While she does, we get some more flashbacks about how there's some plot to do with something with Chaser and Stone,
but it's okay, because the spider is out. [SHIMAKO]
[CHASER] [SHIMAKO]
[CIVVIE] What exactly is dissolving in my brain that's still dangerous for three hours? [CHASER]
[SHIMAKO] [CHASER]
[SHIMAKO]
[CIVVIE] Wow, thanks, Shimako, that's really cool of you, but I guess he owed you a favor, it would be a shame if Vallero's guys barged in 20 seconds from now and killed you.
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme* [MIKE]
[CIVVIE] So anyway I have to shoot through more yakuza and also the goons of the guy who is currently employing me
who I have to keep happy for another three hours and hope that no one saw me with that person they just executed
and also that explosive device that was in my head is still in my pocket so if it does go off…
you know that's still bad. And I know what you're thinking, all those times you died, it didn't look like it was much of an explosion,
or an explosion at all, right? Well.
*the Commander is whispering into his hand* [VALLERO] *the Commander is whispering into his hand*
[CIVVIE] WHY? [VALLERO]
[CIVVIE] So that cover is blown, right while I'm on a mission inside the Yah-gootza tower, and all of Vallero's guys turn on me.
[ALPHA LEADER]
[CHASER] [ALPHA LEADER]
[CELLMATE from KREED] Quit winning! [ALPHA LEADER]
[CIVVIE] I got this sweet looking power armor on now, I wonder if that will help me- *bursts out laughing*
You know, while the combat is pretty trash, and the level design is some of the worst I've ever seen because I keep running around nearly identical hallways shooting guys, dying,
and attempting to use doors that have a Use prompt, but don't open so it's just a long game of trying every door until one works,
they sure did do a good job on the glass breaking physics. Oh, no, it's obviously this door that doesn't open, which fades out to the next map.
We still have to kill the Yah-goot-sa.
I hope someone in the comments tells me how much I suck at this game so they can out themselves as a person who is good at fucking Chaser,
a game that has textures like this. I do love it when they put a boss fight in the middle of the stage
so I can spend an hour wandering around the rest of the level attempting to figure out where I'm supposed to go, and the correct answer is up!
[CHASER] [KABIR]
[CIVVIE] Oh, okay, then can we go to Mars? [CHASER] [KABIR]
The Truck
*retro-futuristic digital input sounds* [KABIR]
[CIVVIE] That's okay, I'm not really clear on why I'm going there in the first place because I have no memory of the plot of this game, makes it a little hard to get invested in, you know?
So what's up? Oh, we're doing this now?
So we're in for, you guessed it, dickishly placed hit-scanners invading this warehouse, but don't think Chaser has run out of ideas, because…
I spent an hour in this god-forsaken warehouse protecting this fucking truck.
Not because the mission takes an hour, but because it's not like the truck has a health bar, and the enemies respawn forever, showing up outside, or on the roof,
and the friendly NPCs that are supposed to help you are THESE GUYS.
And while I can't find footage of a single one of these motherfuckers killing any of these enemies. I DO HAVE SOME OF THEM SHOOTING THE TRUCK I'M SUPPOSED TO PROTECT.
[KABIR] [CIVVIE] I did it. I protected the truck, basically by myself,
and now I'm going to run errands for these fuckers so they can maybe, at some point, get me to Mars, for some reason.
[KABIR]
[CIVVIE] So we go through a confusingly designed level save scumming and getting killed by hit-scanners while occasionally going into bullet time because it kinda sorta helps sometimes.
I can't stress how bad the level design is in this game. It's like they used the engine to render all of their concept art and then stitched that together with hallways.
I can't understand how human beings with brains that are not only capable of pattern recognition, but subconsciously predisposed to it,
could create levels this disjointed and messy. How they could possibly create this many doors that have Use prompts that don't function ?
Like you have to do more work for that to happen. And this might sound nit-picky, but please, bear with me,
this is something that just pissed me off. And I'm not talking about the guy clipping through the door or me clipping through the door also.
I'm talking about how you push the handle on the door down, and then it comes back up, then the door opens, meaning the door unlatches, and then latches, and then opens, which is not how doors work.
Maybe I wouldn't have noticed it if the sight of a door opening when I pressed the fucking Use key wasn't a special occasion worth celebrating.
You heard correctly earlier, right, that I have to go up into the lighthouse to do a sniper section. The sniper section is REAL BAD.
I mean aside from the Lego city that truck is driving through, yes, the truck is back and this time seems to have no visual feedback of its condition
because you can't render particles that far away, you have to look down a sniper scope at tiny, tiny little guys wearing black
against black pavement at night through a black and white lens. Every wrong turn you could take on the way to fun gameplay has been taken
and we are very, very lost. The truck is painfully slow, turns at the speed of a windmill in space,
and there are moments of completely dead air that last what feels like an eternity. I am convinced that this is not a truck but an industrial drilling machine
because every time it appears, this game hits rock bottom. So then Chaser jet-packs into the water and…
wait, fucking what? WATER TORTURE
Water Torture
[reading]
I'm not gonna say it's as trashy as anything to do with that FUCKING truck. Now, you think you'd have six degrees of freedom underwater in your little submarine
but you don't. You can only look up and down at about the same angles you could when you weren't underwater,
and also you can't roll or change pitch, so you're floating around in foggy, murky water, dodging really slow projectiles.
Hey, this game does know how to do projectiles! Just not when it would be fun! And any time you're trying to get your bearings,
just remember that they turned everything on an angle instead of you know, coding six-degrees-of-freedom movement in water like they fucking should have,
or maybe cut the water section because it's completely unrelated to anything else going forward and is never mentioned again.
The underwater explosion graphics are pretty cool. That's it though. [KABIR]
[CHASER] [KABIR]
[CHASER] [CIVVIE] Was that not the plan when you put an explosive in his trunk?
Now that the game has given you a sniper rifle, it seems to think that it's totally okay to put snipers everywhere to kill you in one or two hits from across the map!
Oh, no, nevermind, that wasn't a sniper. I'm convinced that this entire section is like a tutorial
on how to deal with shitty level designers placing enemies at the top or bottom of ladders.
Oh, and, of course ladders are dog-shit in this game.
[TOMMY]
[CHASER] [CIVVIE] What is this voice that Chaser is doing? It sounds like a Canadian with a concussion trying to do John Wayne.
[CHASER]
[CIVVIE] Here's the thing, Chaser sucks and can be killed very easily. I have to play cat and mouse with Tommy and his goons for a while
because, as it turns out, being hit three times at point-blank range by a shotgun blast is only a minor inconvenience.
Like being hit with a grenade, or making pain states for the enemies in your shooty game. Thankfully we can also rely on the poorly-coded AI here.
Enough of that, though, it's time to get on a submarine for a week and go to future Communist Russia. Wait, what?
*retro-futuristic digital input sounds* Is it even slavjank if communists aren't involved somehow?
Red Future
Kabir is here with me, for some reason, I don't know, it's not to be helpful. We have to get a truck or something, again, I'm dreading that, given this game's history with trucks.
This mission involves running around a poorly- signposted area trying every fucking door to see which one opens while the game spawns future-commies for me to shoot.
One of which is fucking invisible.
I have to go through a haunted warehouse to get where I need to go, I think, maybe, I don't know how anything relates to anything else when it comes to progression…
I'm in hour 8 of this game, sniping through foggy bullshit and getting killed over, and over, and over,
so I can infiltrate some Russian barracks, when the entire level eats itself.
And this isn't even what crashes the game. What crashes it is me trying to knife my way through wood that I need to go through in order to progress, I think,
like I've said progression isn't really cut and dry in this game, and I'm not talking like "Chaser.exe has stopped working",
I'm talking about one of those real nasty crashes where I have to move the game onto a separate Windows desktop if I wanna escape it.
Kabir is a much larger character than I expected him to be. Like I got his TALKCard back in like hour 2 and he's stuck around longer than anyone else,
hiding in a box on a submarine with you for a week, that's how you know who your real friends are, right? [GOON]
[KABIR]
*Still by Geto Boys*
[CHASER] [CIVVIE] FUCK! [OLD MAN]
[CIVVIE] Okay, so that's who I have to kill. Gotcha. He won't get away with saving Chaser's life. Whoever he is.
Whatever is going on. The cutscene fades to three days later, no one has moved, nothing has happened,
and the old man tells you that you can go find Kabir and kill him for double-crossing you, but first you have to find a way into his cosmodrome,
but you can't do that until you find this old man's son, who is in a gulag, and Chaser, being the dumbest person who is still somehow, miraculously, alive,
drives a snowmobile to…
Every time I think that this story can't get dumber, or more convoluted, the snake eats a little more of its own tail.
We have another sniper rifle now, that has some kind of thermal vision, I think, but less visibility,
so fuck that. We get to the cell we're supposed to go to. [CHASER]
[PRISONER] [CIVVIE] Your princess is in another gulag,
this story digression from the previous story digression, which was, in itself, a story digression,
has now branched off into yet another digression, this one even more pointless because it takes two minutes to find Piotr,
so you can break him out of the gulag so he can break you into the cosmodrome, so I can get lost inside of concrete corridors and vents for half an hour
until I realize that I'm supposed to climb the broken ladder here because obviously that's what I'm supposed to do, when I can barely climb the ladders that aren't broken,
and there's a spaceship here so we might actually get to Mars at some point, unfortunately I have to go through a giant room of deadly hit-scanners
that are sometimes four or five pixels of screen real-estate. Kabir is in a big gray concrete room surrounded by gun turrets, soldiers, you know the usual,
because I guess he's kind of a big deal in Russia, not in Montack City, but here he's King Shit, in this terrible arena where health and armor are all out in the open
where you can be nearly instantly killed by gunfire even at max health, so there's no reason for it to be there!
But we're done, we're finally there, we have reached Mars! Five months later!
*retro-futuristic digital input sounds*
Ass to Mars
It takes five months and one minute for Chaser's cover to be blown. [GUARD]
[CHASER] [GUARD]
[CHASER]
[CIVVIE] I don't have any weapons, which is fine, eventually you get new weapons, future weapons, because this game remembered that, at one point, it was set in the future,
hey, you guys like running around gray corridors trying every fucking door only for one of them to be the correct one that opens?!
So because Chaser sucks he gets captured, again! By Mike Gomez, who is back, and on Mars.
[MIKE] [GUARD] [CIVVIE] Of course, because back then was apex of actress Linda Fiorentino's career,
still riding high off of roles in movies such as Men in Black, and still having too much class to return to the View Askewniverse,
no, I'm kidding, Fiorentino is… [JAY FIORENTINO]
[CIVVIE] If they didn't before, they do now! "But Civvie, they can't possibly know that the cell is being monitored."
[CHASER]
[JAY]
[CHASER] [CIVVIE] I hate this so much! This fucking game is showing me someone telling me something the game is showing me isn't true.
It is at least three degrees from good storytelling at all times. Now, I've analyzed this plot carefully and I think I have a handle on what's going on, right?
So Chaser is in Mars Prison… [JAY]
[CIVVIE] So Chaser is in the prison colony from Alien³, wearing a shirt that I absolutely cannot stop Katie from editing into THIS.
So John Chaser has amnesia and he was a Mars rebel against the evil company headed by Longwood,
who uses all his money and connections to do terrible experiments and repression and all that but that's not important, this guy here is Longwood, so Longwood overhears this escape plan and…
[JAY]
[CIVVIE] I think what you just described… is a stealth escort mission.
[JAY]
[CIVVIE] What? WHAT?! Oh good, I have a gun now, so…
You know what, this wasn't shitty enough, let's defend Jay as he does some hacking. [JAY]
[CHASER] [JAY]
[CIVVIE] I see your problem, you're one of those people who only types with your index fingers, like my grandma. She had terrible arthritis.
If you liked running around nearly-identical gray corridors trying every door until you find the right one,
you're gonna love running around nearly-identical red corridors trying every door until you find the right one!
With fog! And an alarm! *blaring alarm*
It's okay that the alarm went off now because we're done with the stealth mission. And keeping the guards busy by releasing all the prisoners is a solid plan
unless all the prisoners are also going to shoot at me. Which they do. Unprovoked. This is actually brilliant. This is like a Bioshock-level subversion of player agency.
I complete every objective and the outcome is the exact opposite of what's supposed to happen. No matter how much I yell at this game it never stops being SHIT!
[JAY] [CIVVIE] THE… PLAN… DIDN'T….
*AAAARRRRGHHHH!!!* *retro-futuristic digital input sounds*
Waiting for a Train
[SYD]
[CHASER] Cloning? What does he want to do with clones? Class 3 means he can assemble whole bodies.
[CIVVIE] Oh my god, kids, we've found the plot! It's back! [SYD]
[CHASER] [SYD]
[CIVVIE] This leads to a plan to assassinate Longwood while he's on a train to the south pole. A Polar Express, if you will.
We have to assault a MarsCorp base first though, which means, you guessed it! running around similar-looking gray corridors searching for doors that you can open.
With mechs! If you were sick of shooting average dumb soldiers for the last all of this game so far,
now you get to fight tanky mechs that will kill you slightly faster. And gun turrets.
You get to pilot one of those mechs for the next mission, where you're outside and you have to make sure that nobody enters the main gate,
except because this is Chaser, the fucking gate is open the whole time and it's really easy for enemies to wander in.
But then we leave and a plane crashes into it so it doesn't matter. But then Chaser is dropped off at a landing pad where he has to try every door,
none of which works, so he crosses a long bridge to an identical landing pad where none of the doors work.
Everyone gets a rocket launcher, it's fun time, it's great! Most encounters are instant death if you don't know they're coming.
The objective is to steal a train and then blow up Longwood's train, so I'm guessing by the end of this mission we'll have recovered the long-lost Wright Brothers' plane
and used it to save Longwood's life. We've cleared out this area, let's go to the next!
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
Okay, we've cleared this room. What's next?
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
Oh, hey look, it's the exact same thing I did two stops ago! Okay, we've cleared this area. What's next?
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!? *Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme*
*Super Mario Bros. 3 Sky Land Theme* They blew up Longwood's train, and now they're celebrating back at the bar.
Great, we done good. [SYD]
[JAY] [CIVVIE] This game was written by a child. *retro-futuristic digital input sounds*
Dead Faction
Oh no, the rebel base has been found out, and now I have to fight against the rebel base security system, not the invading army, not yet, that's later, that's…
This whole level, which took me about three hours to get through because fuck this fucking game, fuck it, fuck it in its bleeding shit pipe.
This level is the most samey collection of confusing gray corridors with no sense of progression
which makes me think that the awful design of the rest of the game was intentional, and that you were supposed to learn how to navigate badly designed levels
as a skill in order to complete this game! And it's so goddamn long that they must have spent more time building shitty, illogically connected environments
than it would have taken to build something good. They put so much time into making trash.
But the coup de grâce, this final area, which is a concrete maze where enemies spawn out of nowhere,
a literal maze made of stone! OH MY GOD… IT'S ALL MADE OF… STONE…
JUST LIKE… OH MY GOD, CHASER IS STONE, STONE IS CHASER!
I get it! But Mike just left his bitchin' car with the flame decals on Earth?! If Mike was the first one to contact Chaser and he was working for Longwood,
why would he allow Chaser to get the spider put in his brain and have Shimako take it out only for her to get killed!
It seems like Longwood has very little control of this situation and that his plan has taken like six months to deal with the rebel problem,
when the rebels just scored a huge propaganda victory by blowing up that train! And the Yah-gootsa can't pay off the senate so that they can get their taxes to the Big Dragon,
and there was a giant space station falling out of orbit, onto a major city, and there's gonna be a power vacuum in Russia
and no one told me who the man in black was who saved Chaser, and I wanted to kill him the most!
[LONGWOOD] [CIVVIE] So they mind-switched Stone with Chaser
and did plastic surgery on him to make Stone look like Chaser to infiltrate the Mars rebellion but it got fucked up when the rebels attacked Majestic station,
leading to the memory loss. You see how fast I explained that? Because the game takes almost ten minutes to say the same shit.
[CHASER]
[LONGWOOD] [CHASER] [LONGWOOD] [CASTOR]
[LONGWOOD]
[CIVVIE] Oh god, what is his head doing? OK, I get it, I understand, can we do the thing where we fight Longwood and end the game?
[LONGWOOD] Catch Stone!
[CIVVIE] That's the end. A ten minute cutscene to explain something I told all of you in ten seconds. A convoluted mess that I've laid out right here on my conspiracy board,
not this thing here though, that's something else, that's the path of the greasy strangler, but THIS, it's a blu-ray of the movie Total Recall that I pissed on.
[CANCER MOUSE] Oh, hey Civvie! [CIVVIE] Hi Cancer Mouse… Weren't you just here a couple weeks ago? I was gonna cut down on…
[CANCER MOUSE] I wanted to introduce you to my father! He's visiting from Glendale! [CIVVIE] You… but…
you told me you didn't… [CANCER DAD] My son has told me all about you, I'm glad he has a friend who's a big Internet star.
[CIVVIE] I swear to god I'm gonna end the world myself if this keeps up. Once that package gets to… where did you say you were from?
[CANCER DAD] Well, originally, I'm from Toledo, but me and the missus were looking for a drier climate to retire to.
[CANCER DAD] And you would be amazed at the home prices in Arizona, they're a steal! And with my allergies, I've never felt better!
[CIVVIE] Really? That sounds pretty nice. [CANCER DAD] It's great! Except for all the goddamn dirty humans.
[CIVVIE] Oh, yeah, I get that. Especially the old ones. You know your son gave me a melanoma a couple years back. [CANCER DAD] Attaboy, I taught him that.
[CANCER MOUSE] He taught me that. [CIVVIE] Well, it's been fun, I guess, but… Oh my god, he was actually Stone the whole time!?
[CANCER MOUSE] Of course! It was all a prank, Civvie! My father lives in Scottsdale! [CIVVIE] Oh my god!
==Trivia ==
This video marks the first, and so far only, appearance of Cancer Mouse's Father; although technically it is just Stone in disguise.
== Behind the Scenes ==
Category:Episodes
Category:Season 5
Category:Slavjank
Category:Cancer Mouse Appearances