Can't Graduate? Just Sue!/Transcript

The following is a transcript of "Can't Graduate? Just Sue!", the episode of comedy web series A Dose of Buckley which aired on May 17, 2015.
Transcript: If your parents ever told you that you could be whatever you wanna be when you grow up, they lied. It's a nice thing to say to a kid because the alternative is to tell them right off the bat that they might as well just give up and not try. But somewhere between ambition and crushing defeatism lies the happy medium we call reality. And when reality isn't good enough, you can just sue. What the fuck am I talking about, you ask?
Well, a nursing student at a university has decided to sue them because they wouldn't let her graduate. Jennifer Burbella is suing Misericordia University in Dallas, PA, a school that describes itself as a "co-educational Catholic university" that is "committed to providing quality education to its students and to shaping its educational programs and policies to express the founding Sisters' values and attitudes of mercy, service, justice, and hospitality." And she's suing them for essentially not being merciful or hospitable. You see, Ms. Burbella suffers from anxiety, depression, and stress. And she claims that she asked for help, which included extended time to complete exams and communication with a professor during a test. Something that, I'm guessing, not every other student gets. The school decided to treat her like everyone else, which I thought everyone wanted of course they want that until they don't want it, and didn't give her that...apparently two years in a row because she failed the same course twice. And so now, she's not going to be a nurse. And personally I kinda feel like this is a good thing.
Here comes the "fucking able-ist piece of shit" comments, which according to OpenOffice isn't a word. But try and be as open-minded as you claim yourselves to be for a moment. Not everyone is cut out to do everything. Sorry, but they aren't. I will never be a firefighter. I'm 125 pounds, I have a high metabolism, and have been a skinny little prick my entire life. I could work for YEARS to gain enough muscle and strength. In fact, I've boxed for about 10 years and recently spent the last 2 years going to the gym four times a week. And my top bench was not even my own body weight. It's just not in the cards for me. So if I went to a school that trains firefighters and I proved that I can't drag a 220-pound man out of a burning building, I should fail. In fact, anyone that would pass me in spite of not being able to demonstrate that I can perform the duties of a firefighter should be sued for negligence when I get a job as a firefighter and I end up letting everyone die.
"But look! This school said I could be a firefighter! The paper says so!" And sure, schools let people graduate all the time even when they fucking suck. I would bet 50% of the people who graduate as computer programmers are fucking useless as coders. I graduated as a computer programmer once. I couldn't write a HelloWorld program now to save my dick, assuming there was a scenario in which a man threatened to cut off my dick if I couldn't write a HelloWorld program in C++.
But this is a nurse we're talking about! I don't know if you know this, but being a nurse is fucking stressful. I knew a nurse who once told me a story about having to revive a person by massaging their heart during surgery. That sounds like it might cause a little anxiety. Now imagine if you're the type of person who suffers from anxiety and stress in that position.
"Nurse! I need you to try and keep this patient alive while I prep for a shot of adrenaline or defibrillation or some other doctor-y thing that doctors do."
"Oh oh oh god...oh...could you...could you give me a little more time?"
"NO! I CAN'T! HE'S FUCKING DYING!"
Oh, but I'm sure that guy's family will understand. She suffers from anxiety and stress, so it's okay that daddy's dead. And even if she doesn't wanna be an ER or OR nurse, every form of nursing has some stressful thing. Home care nurses will also have stressful moments where seconds could count. If writing some exam in an hour or whatever is too stressful, how the fuck are they gonna handle actual nursing?
So, I really hope this lawsuit is thrown out. Otherwise, it sets a dangerous precedent. Don't get your way? JUST SUE! "I didn't graduate because I'm not able to pass a course. I'll sue for my diploma." "I didn't get the job I wanted. I'll just sue the business, they HAVE to hire me! Just because I can't do the job, that shouldn't be the reason I can't work there." Not everyone gets to be a winner. And some people just aren't cut out for certain jobs. Now, if you can demonstrate that you can do the job despite your disability, great! They should be hired, I'm not saying disabled people should never get jobs. But if my house is burning down, I'm trapped on the second floor, and a guy in a wheelchair rolls through the front door to save me because the world said, "Disabled people should have the same opportunity as everyone else"...sorry if this sounds selfish or insensitive, but I'm gonna be kind of angry that I'm about to die because we had to make sure no one felt excluded.
Same deal. When a nurse is having a panic attack because I'm bleeding out and the doctor's asking her to grab another bag of blood, and she asks for a few minutes to calm down...I'll be sure to say, "Aww, hey hey take all the time you need. Before I pass out though, can I do anything for you? Maybe get you something to drink? Hey, I don't wanna be pegged as some narcissistic, greedy, able-ist asshole, but could you maybe save your freak-out for when I'm NOT TURNING THIS PLACE INTO THE ELEVATOR SCENE FROM THE FUCKING SHINING?!"
Sometimes, you won't get your first choice. Sometimes, you won't get your second, third, or fourth choices. Sometimes, you'll have to settle for something less than your dream because your dream is unrealistic. Sorry if the first time you're hearing this is from some dick on the Internet and not your parents, but that's life. You don't sue because you can't do something. You find something you CAN do, and you move the fuck on!
Category:Transcripts