All 22.3 - Forgiveness

It had been a while since anyone had seen Cheko. Certainly, she had been withdrawn since she had been cast into Ryuji’s body, but as the days passed, she became more and more absent. Virgil and Clover in particular were worried about her; Lucca seemed to be fixated on personal issues, first the full moon and then on some sort of private issue, and none of the others would particularly call themselves close with her to begin with. The first few days Cheko merely kept to herself, but as time wore on, she began separating herself more and more, so that by the end of the first week, no one had seen her in nearly two days. Everyone was beginning to be worried, though still some more than others.
Ryuji, for his part, had been almost gleeful at his chance to do things that he normally couldn’t, namely eating and sleeping. Though he made token offerings of concern towards Cheko when Clover asked him, it was obvious that he was trying to keep his mind off of his body as much as possible. However, when Cheko started to go missing, his unaffected demeanour collapsed, and he agreed to help look for her, obviously showing some shame for having ignored her until then. It was nighttime, and camp had been set up. People had been looking for a while now, to no avail. As minutes became hours, most people gave up, saying that she obviously didn’t want to be found, and that it was late. Clover, Lucca and Ryuji continued looking out of concern and, in one case, guilt.
The Yetoman picked his way through the scrub, calling out periodically. It was quite late and he had gone a far distance from the others; he vaguely hoped he’d be able to find his way back. “Cheko!” He still got no response. He sighed and called out, “Cheko, please. I know how it feels, and I’m sorry...I’m sorry, I should have been helping you sooner. It’s my curse to bear, not yours, and I’m an awful person for leaving you with it. I...was being selfish, and I have no excuse for that. Please, please come out. I won’t make you eat or anything, I just...just want to know you’re ok...” Ryuji looked around sadly, worry plain on his features. There was still no sign of her. Eventually, he stopped. “Cheko…” he still spoke aloud, but was no longer shouting. “Don’t let it win, Cheko. That’s what the curse does. It takes good people, and makes them afraid of themselves. It makes you want to run far, far away and never look at anyone again, and then it breaks you with the hunger and the loneliness and the fear. I know. I know…” He glanced about, then turned to head back the way he came. “It’s my job to stop it. I ignored my responsibility, and now you’re suffering for it. I’m...I’m so sorry. Please, let me help you. I promised that I wouldn’t let the curse hurt anyone else, and I failed that, but please, please don’t let it win.”
He heard a rustling sound, and when he turned to look, he saw a raven, once invisible in the dark night, flutter softly to the ground and shift noiselessly into the body he recognized as his own. Cheko looked drawn, and scared, and hypothermic, her skin icily pale and lips blue in the moonlight. She trembled, and spoke quietly, “Just...just tell everyone I’m still followin’. I can’t...I can’t stand it, lookin’ at everyone and feelin’...feelin’ like that. I can’t…”
Ryuji looked at her with pity and concern. “...It won’t get better. I know, I know it’s awful, but you have to eat, or it will keep getting worse…”
She just shook her head and muttered, “I can’t I can’t I can’t”, over and over, looking delirious.
“It’s been eleven days, Cheko. I never went that long, it must be…” he winced and continued, “It’s ok, really. It’s easier to control, and it doesn’t feel as bad afterwards, if you just eat some. Nothing has to die, and it will be better. We’re nearly halfway there now, and you won’t need to feel it ever again. Just, please…”
“No no no no no…” she whispered over and over, her eyes panicked and looking at nothing as she clutched at her hair. She began to take a few steps backwards into the trees, almost subconsciously.
A sigh escaped Ryuji’s lips as he watched, and he looked profoundly sad and regretful. “...You can’t control it like this. You have to feed. I swore I wouldn’t let anyone else fall to the curse.” He took a deep breath and added, “...I’m so sorry. To you, and Lucca.” With a quick motion, he drew the wakizashi blade he kept at his hip and without hesitation, he sliced it along his arm in a fast flick, sending a spray of blood out towards Cheko and leaving a deep gash in his forearm. “I trust you,” he said quietly, as much to himself and his god as to Cheko. At the sight and smell of the blood, she twitched, and it was as if her rational mind shut off. With a look of feral hunger in her eyes, she leapt forwards as Ryuji held his arm up to both block and distract her. Throwing herself bodily upon him, she bit into his arm deeply and began sucking his blood out through the cut he himself had made. He winced at the pain, but bore it without crying out. As she continued to drink, he began to feel woozy, stars appearing in his vision and his equilibrium falling out. “Cheko...Cheko, you have to stop…” he stressed, but she acted as though she didn’t hear him. “Cheko! Rrg,” he struggled as he summoned up his strength and kicked her backwards, knocking her off. “Cheko!” he yelled, and the sound seemed to snap her back. She sat up, looking confused, blood dripping off of her face. With a trembling hand, she wiped her fingers across it, and looked at it with a mounting horror. “Cheko…” Ryuji repeated again, calmly but firmly. “Cheko, look at me…” Her gaze slowly turned up to him, screaming of fear, sorrow and the desire to flee. “Don’t run,” he said, his voice firm yet reassuring. “Don’t run. It’s fine. I’m ok. You didn’t do anything wrong. But if you run, I will have to chase you. I won’t let you kill anything, and I won’t let the hunger do that to you again. Because I won’t let the curse hurt anyone else, including you. Especially you. That’s my responsibility. Not yours.” Cheko looked at him, then to the blood on her hand; tears began to well in her eyes, and she began to cry, curling forwards into a ball and sobbing. Ryuji took his shirt and tore it, wrapping fabric around the wound as best he could to stop the blood, knowing full well that the smell of it would bother her more. When he covered it to the best of his ability, lacking the healing magic of his god, he shuffled over to her and kneeled beside her, placing his hand on her shoulder comfortingly. He moved towards her, and she accepted the gesture, crying into his lap as they both kneeled in the dirt. The two looked identical, but only one felt like ice.
Cheko cried until she ran out of tears, and when her sobbing stopped, she mumbled hoarsely, “I’m sorry. I’m so...so sorry…”
“It’s ok. You have nothing to apologize for.”
“I let you die,” she said quietly.
This drew a face of confusion from the man. “What?”
She picked herself up a bit, wrapping her arms around herself, and said "Sometimes...not every time, but, sometimes...when I look at you, I think of, that night..." Her voice was low, and it was half as though she spoke to herself, "I cried, a lot, when I got home. Cried for days. That night...it was horrible. You were going to die, and the other two wanted to save you, and...and when it looked like it wasn’t going to work, you chose to die anyways, so Caitlyn wouldn’t. Sometimes, I wonder, what I would have done, if it was me. If I would have left it on Caitlyn, thanked the All-Mother and All-Father and all the spirits and saints that someone else saved me, that I lived and they took the awful curse away. I don't think I would've taken it back. If it was one of my kids, maybe...I’d hope I would have the strength then. But if it had been me there, in the blood with Caitlyn dying, I would've let her go. It hurts, knowing that I could let someone die. That I did let you die. I sat and watched you die, and didn’t do anything other than what Lucca told me to. And...and then...then I watched you get back up. You’re not...you anymore though, it’s...you in a husk, and...and you scare me. I'm...I’m ashamed to say it, but, what the curse made you into...isn’t right. A terrible predator that nature doesn't want or need. Not like the creatures in the tunnels. No, one of the things that come out of the twitchy spots, that make your fur stand up, that you know in your whiskers and bones ain’t right. I let you turn into that, because I didn’t know what to do, and I wasn’t strong enough to face any of it.” She looked up at him finally and continued, “You're so strong. You didn't let anyone die. You wouldn't let anyone else suffer. Doesn’t matter how much it hurts you, if it’s your blood or your sweat or your life. I wish I could be that strong. But I’m not. I’m so weak I’m still scared of you, even though I know better. Then…” she dropped her gaze back down, looking at her borrowed arms. “Then this spirit comes calling, and of all things, I’m put in this terrible body with its horrible hunger, and I don’t have your strength to stop it. I can’t be near anybody; it hurts too much. I couldn’t even control it until we got there. I’m...I’m just…” she started to sob again.
Ryuji looked at her sadly for a moment, then took a steeling breath and took hold of her shoulders. “Cheko,” he said, waiting for her to look up. “Cheko, you are strong. Here you are, thousands of miles from your home and family, and you’re helping stop an evil that would destroy everything. That is not weak. And this...you’re not weak, because this scares you. It scares me. I’ve been like that for years, and it still scares me. You went eleven days, Cheko. The longest I’ve ever gone was four, and it was terrible; you did that, because you were strong enough to believe that you could do it. You weren’t weak. I made you eat because I was worried, but you are certainly not weak.”
“But...but I…I still…I could have...” she dropped her gaze as she stammered through her sobs.
“You gave me the choice, Cheko,” he cut her off, bringing his face down to meet her eyes again. “Without you, I would have just died. You were the only one who could have cast those spells, remember? Without you, there wouldn’t have been anything to do about it at all. I would have just died, without any idea of what was happening. And, then I would have the curse, but I wouldn’t know why, and...and I don’t know what I would have done. I would have blamed Lucca, for dragging me there, and Caitlyn for not telling me, and Victor, and I would have hated everything, and I would have run away and just been the next person destroyed by the curse. But because you were there, because you stood by and cast those spells and did everything that you did, I got to have the choice. I chose to take it back, and I chose to make sure that no one else would ever have to suffer it, and that made every difference. No one ever, least of all me, would ever blame you for not wanting the curse. It’s wretched, and sometimes, the only thing that makes it alright is knowing that I chose to protect everyone else from it. And the only reason I have that is because of you, ok?”
Cheko looked at him for a long moment, trembling. Eventually she nodded and muttered, “I’m sorry.”
Ryuji pulled her in and hugged her tightly. “You’re forgiven. Everything about this, everything, you’re forgiven. Remember that, ok? You did nothing but good, and I’m nothing but grateful to you. I’m sorry you have to suffer it now, but I will do everything I can to make it better until we get there and get your body back, ok?” He hugged her tighter when she didn’t respond, “Ok?”
“...Ok…” she said.
“Remember that. Whenever you think about that night, if you do, remember that the only reason anything is still good for me, is because you were there. Don’t think about anything else.” He leaned back and wiped away Cheko’s tears and the last of the blood on her face, “I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for forcing you to eat; that was harsh of me. I’m sorry I wasn’t trying to help you sooner, and it had to come to that. It was inexcusable of me, to ignore my duty and to let you suffer.” He kneeled forward, bowing his head low towards her, “I do not deserve to be forgiven, but I apologize sincerely for being so negligent and cruel to you.”
“Oh…” she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Hun, it’s ok, get your head out of the dirt. You didn’t do nothing wrong.”
“Neither did you,” he retorted.
She sniffed, “Ok...ok, I forgive you too.”
“Thank you.” He sat back up slowly. With a hint of a reassuring smile, he asked, “Now, can you come back with me? Clover and Lucca are looking for you too, and Virgil’s been worried for days.”
Cheko tilted her head to the side and whispered, “I don’t think I…”
Ryuji cut her off, “I know you can. Please?” She looked at him for a moment, then nodded slowly. Ryuji made to stand up and offer his hand, but the loss of blood made him stagger. Cheko pulled him upright and held him steady; he gave a half-hearted chuckle, “I know you can make it back, but now I’m not sure about myself.”
“Oh Ryuji, I’m…”
“I’m fine!” he said quickly. “Completely fine. I just need a rest and some food, that’s all. Do you feel better?” She looked at him sadly, but nodded. He smiled, “No wonder you get headaches if you go for so long without food. You should eat more; I’m sure you told all your kids that skipping meals isn’t healthy. I’ll have to be your father and make sure you’re keeping yourself alright.”
She frowned at him good-naturedly, “...You’ve got a mighty odd sense of humour.”
“Heh. I’ve been told I’m no good at it, I know. That’s why I’m a tax lawyer.”
Cheko helped support his weight, keeping him from tripping over his own feet. “You’re a fair bit more than that.”
He smiled again, “I guess I also make a decent doily.”
Her eyes widened, “That’s you?” She even managed to smile a bit as she added, “You’ve got Lucca mad as a wet cat over those things.”
“Shhh. Don’t tell,” he said, grinning. With that, the two started back towards the camp.
Category:Advent of the All