Pernus One-Shot

The Pernus One-Shot was an 'introductory session' to D&D for the LOM members Khajiit and Beauty, as well as TheWoman as a way to get her more used to the mechanics of the game. The one-shot was a home-brew adventure and is considered semi-canonical within the Velmaverse continuity, as it was intended to take place within it. However, due to certain events which transpire and the fact that the majority of the original group of players were not involved in the session, it is thus left as ambiguous and more of a myth in the time the main campaigns take place. 
The Dungeon Master for the game was Kelloggs. 
==== The Party ====
*TheWoman: Imperial Guard
*Khajiit: TylerFknOne
*Beauty: Jeff
==== The Story ====
(WARNING! WARNING! - This story may offend the odd person whom happens to read it. Understand that the session was solely a joke and is not intended to be offensive, just fairly humorous.) 
On a warm, sunny afternoon, somewhere near the Neverwinter Wood, the adventurers TylerFknOne and the Imperial Guard met outside on the steps of the establishment, the 'T-Lodge Inn'. After walking inside, they were greeted by a fairly busy tavern, with wenches serving their patrons and drunken behaviour everywhere they looked. Going to the bar counter they were greeted by the tavern/inn owner, Dorris. After questioning why they were both here, Dorris informed the two heroes about their informant for the job they were both here for and so pointed towards a backroom. On the way over, the Imperial Guard, in a very strange NPC like manner, decided to try and vault/run over a table, however, failed miserably (nat 1) and almost started a bar fight. This was settled quickly and so as they went inside the backroom, they were met by a mysteriously short tabaxi, introducing himself as PussieInCreps. The tabaxi described the job, telling them that he was after a bounty and that rumour had it they were camping in the nearby woods. Before leaving, he informed the two heroes to try and recruit a local patron of the tavern, a drunken aaracokra who went by the name Jeff, as it seemed PussieInCreps felt bad for him after he had learned about the poor bird-man's life. As they left the room, they saw an altercation between three tavern wenches and an aaracokra. The two heroes approached and tried to get them to stop abusing the bird-man, however, they kept on going, spitting and pouring their drinks over him. At this point, the 6ft dwarf, TylerFknOne readied his weapon and threatened the women, ready to fly into an autistic rage. Imperial Guard had another plan and so began to run at the table, making it shake and everything on it flying off, however in the process was able to calm the women, Tyler and now the bouncers who had walked over, after claiming that someone had been murdered. This left everyone worried, with Dorris and the bouncers asking the Imperial Guard to find this murderer, until it was too late, even though the Imperial Guard was just lying and trolling them. Jeff thanked Tyler and the Imperial Guard for stepping up for him during his hour of need and so volunteered to join them for a while. At this point, PussieInCreps had left the backroom and hollered for them to join him and so they went off towards the Neverwinter Wood.
A while after they had began their search for the bounty, members of the group started to have visions whilst they were walking through the forest. Tyler visioned that big tiddie L.O.L anime gurls were running past him, angering the dwarf as they appeared to be out of the kitchen and so ran following them. The Imperial Guard envisioned that a thief had stolen his sweet role and so he too went chasing it. Jeff visioned that his wife was taking the kids and also ran after it, whilst crying his eyes out. After about a minute of chasing, the visions vanished and the party were suddenly greeted by a bear, laying next to what looked like it's cave. The party attacked, with the Imperial Guard and Tyler fighting it out with the wild animal. However, Jeff, clearly not thinking very straight, came up with the idea to start burning the nearby trees and shrubbery in the hope that somehow it would make the bear catch fire. What Jeff didn't know, was that the Neverwinter Wood hadn't had any rain for the last three weeks, thus making the wood very dry. As the first tree lit up in flames, it's neighboring trees quickly started to catch fire. At the same time, Tyler, now literally wrestling with the bear, had somehow overpowered it (nat 20) and began to push the bear into the nearby flames, burning the animal to death. However, the party would look on in horror as it appeared that now the fire had gotten completely out of hand and was spreading at a faster rate. Jeff either looked down in despair after seeing how much of the local wildlife was burning alive or chuckled after showing nature what a divorce feels like. It appeared that here Jeff truly lost his mind and so whilst looking at a picture of his family, he threw a fire bolt to the side of him, in hopes of burning the rest of the forest down, however this did not have as much of an affect as the rest of the fire, which was still growing. The group had also discovered that PussieInCreps was not with the party during this time. The party decided to look inside the bears cave and uncovered it was hoarding some healing potions and some gold coins (how convenient). The group believed it was best to stay the night in the cave and so each began to take watch. On the last watch, Jeff saw a pack of bear cubs approach the remains of the now burnt carcass of their mother. Either due to feeling sorry for them or just being a maniacal mad man, Jeff tried to launch another fire bolt at the baby bears. However, luckily the Imperial Guard had some trouble sleeping that night and so prevented that from happening. Nonetheless, when they all awoke in the morning, a large section of the forest was all gone, looking like an apocalyptic nightmare. 
When the group were all awake, they continued to walk through the forest in search of the bounty. Along the way, they were found by PussieInCreps again, after the short tabaxi had seen the great fire and smoke above the tree line, though thought it best not to ask too many questions. The group would continue along the trail until they found that the path ahead had been blocked off. The party suddenly ducked into cover upon seeing a giant ogre, stomping through the forest, with what appeared to be a mule on his back. The mule didn't appear to be in any pain, but was making many strange noises directed towards the ogre, though the ogre would never respond. The creature didn't notice the party hiding and so went on ahead.whilst barging past the trees and shrubbery. It also appeared that the ogre was constantly defecating, leaving a trail of onion smelling faeces. As it went by, PussieInCreps hinted to the party that the ogre was the bounty they were after. At first, Tyler went in the direction that that the ogre had come from, however, he would soon discover that the way the ogre had come from had been blocked off by branches and fallen trees. Tyler, for some strange reason, believed that to get past this shrubbery he would have to use some of his powerful autistic force and so with a great idea in his mind, got out his penis and began to wank out tons upon tons of semen, littering the ground. Unfortunately for Tyler however, it appeared that the semen actually magically grew even more shrubbery and plant life to grow around him and though saddened continued on (DM's invisible wall). So instead, the party decided to follow the trail of onion shit, eventually gazing upon the huge ogre with the mule on his shoulder. Eventually, as they followed the giant hulk of a creature, it appeared they were walking towards the ruins of an ancient magical ritual site (or some shit like that), elven in it's style. 
Before the party, they could see an opening in the woods, possibly an ancient shrine or religious site to some old civilization long forgotten. In the centre of these ruins was an altar, surrounded by a great moat of shit, looking almost as if it was impossible to cross over to the other side. The Imperial Guard looked ahead, viewing that also in the centre of these ruins was a giant gaping hole, looking very much out of place. Nonetheless, the ogre jumped across the moat of poo and strode towards the altar, where on it, lay a sleeping woman. The woman was lying there peacefully and did not appear to have been wakened by the monstrous beast. Tyler and Jeff were now desperately trying to find a way across in order to save this person and to get some action as a "reward";). However, their dreams were short lived, as the ogre now began to lift the mule of his back, the mule started to scream and kick the ogre but to no avail the humongous beast grabbed it from two ends and ripped the mule in half, covering the woman in blood and gore. Now she was awake, screaming and shaking and unaware of what was going on. Tyler, now thinking harder, thought of what had curiously happened before, and so decided to masturbate aggressively onto the ground, trying to recreate what happened before with flora being raised from the ground with every semen drop he allowed to descend to the ground, however, this seemed to be ineffective to make a bridge across the giant pile of shit. The ogre, grasping the woman in his hands, now double jumped into the portal and left the visible view of the party. Eventually, the party found a way across the steaming pile of poo and investigated the remains of the mule, which at a closer inspection turned out to be Eddie Murphy. As they saw his decapitated body, they believed he was dead, however, he suddenly coughed with blood spewing out of his mouth, proclaiming (in his Django-like way) "Save her, save the princess, that ogre is gonna do her a great concern, I go now, bye bye." With that, the mule Eddie Murphy died. Once having dealt with that strange situation, the party followed the dying words of Eddie Murphy and jumped into the portal hole in order to try and save the princess... 
As they came out of the portal, it immediately shut behind them, landing them in the middle of some strange new place, but not looking so different from where they were before. It still appeared to be some ruins, like the ones in the Neverwinter Wood. As they got used to their surroundings, a small pixie boy flew towards them, introducing himself as Twinkaball. The pixie came across as flamboyant and slightly camp in nature and it was unclear whether or not he really was a boy or girl. Just as he was greeting the Imperial Guard and Tyler, Jeff had completely lost it and had gone insane, and so as the pixie was making his way to greet the bird-man, Jeff casted a fire bolt at his face. This made the pixie to scream in terror and pain, blinded by the spell it was making him fly around the ruins like a fly trying to leave through a window. Eventually, it got so bad that he ended up spazzing out and using some unknown magic to escape. This turned out worse for him however, as unbeknownst to the party, Twinkaball had teleport-ed himself to a planet known as Earth on the date of the 11th of September 2001 and due to his hastening speed he was flying at as he went through the portal, he was heading straight towards two very large buildings in the city known as New York. He could just about see now, as the speed he was going at had suppressed the fires on his face, however he probably would've wished he was still blind, as he suddenly crashed into the tall building of one of the World Trade Centers. The impact made a massive explosion and destabilized the whole building, making it to topple over and fall onto the Second World Trade Center Tower. It is said that a group of terrorists had hijacked a bunch of planes that same day, however after seeing that their mission was done, they turned the planes around, landed them safely at the nearest airports and turned themselves in. Twinkaball's last words were "Oh shit, okay well I suppose I go now BYE BYE!!!" 
Meanwhile back in real-time, after seeing the destructive nature of Jeff, Tyler and Imperial Guard were cautious about their next move, thankfully Tyler had discovered a strange engraving on a nearby wall, looking oddly similar to that of a map. It seemed to show the surrounding area, the land strangely looking as the same shape of a penis. Then, as Imperial Guard touched the map, it lit up and shone a bright white light, coming out of the penis shaped tip, heading towards the exit of these ruins. 
The End. 
__________ 
Originally there were plans for this game to become a mini campaign. However, Kelloggs believed it'd be too difficult to run and admitted a lot of it was just improvised.