The Otto Show/Quotes

:Homer: I went to thousands of heavy metal concerts and it never hurt me.
:(Marge's voice has been drowned out by a prolonged beep)
:Homer: I hear you. come on boy!
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:Skinner: Let me in! Let me IN!
:Ralph: He steps on the clutch, and the toilet goes flush! Hail to the--
:Skinner: SHUT UP!!!
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:(Otto's residence. He cannot open his front door, oblivious to his surrounding.)
:Sign: EVICTION NOTICE. You are ordered to vacate the premises immediately.
:Otto: Hey landlord, some clown changed my locks, padlocked the door and put up an eviction notice.
:Landlord: Yeah, that was me.
:Otto: You? But, why?
:Landlord: Because you haven't paid your rent.
:Otto: Well, can I at least get my stuff?
:Landlord: All I found in there was a jar of mustard and a couple of old Psycho magazines.
:Otto: (astonished) Wow... I had mustard?
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:Marge: Otto, you can't watch TV all day.
:Otto: You're right. I should do some reading. You got any "Where's Waldo" books?
:Marge: No.
:Otto: A book from a vampire’s point of view?
:Marge: No.
:Otto: Anything where guys send in naked pictures of their chicks?
:Marge: Otto, I think you should get a job.
:Otto: The only job I was good at was driving a bus, and now "the man" says I need a piece of paper to do that.
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:(Otto starts playing guitar loudly.)
:Homer: Will you knock it off!? I can't hear myself think.
(Otto stops.)
:Homer's Head: I want some peanuts.
:Homer: That's better.
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:Patty: My name is Patty. I will be testing you. When you're doing good, I use the green pen. When you're doing bad I use the red pen. Any questions?
:Otto: Yeah, one. Have you always been a chick? I don't want to offend you but were you were born a man? You can tell me, I'm open minded.
:Patty drops green pen.
:Patty: I won't be needing this.
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:Homer: Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing!
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:Homer: All right, he can stay. But I get to treat him like garbage.
:Otto: Wow! What's the catch?
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:Bart: Mom, I thought you might forget our little conversation this afternoon, so I took the precaution of recording it.
:Marge: What conversation?
:Bart: (on tape) Mom, can Otto live in our garage for as long as he wants? (impression of Marge) He sure can!
:Homer: Marge! What were you thinking?
:Marge: That's not my voice!
:Homer: Oh, everybody says that when they hear themselves on tape.
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:Marge: I know we didn't ask for this Homer, but doesn't the Bible say "Whatsoever you do unto the least of my children, that which you do unto Me?"
:Homer: Yes, but doesn't the bible also say "Thou shalt not...take moochers into thy hut."
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:Skinner: It's a miracle nobody was hurt.
:Otto: I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality.
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:Homer: Now, boy, we spent a lot of money, so you'd better get real good real fast, or POW!
:Marge: Homer!
:Homer: Hey, I thought I was supposed to encourage him.
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:(Principal Skinner's office; Otto is under arrest for reckless driving.)
:Skinner: Oh, it's a miracle no one was hurt!
:Otto: Oh, I stand on my record. Fifteen crashes and not a single fatality!
:Lou: Let’s see your license, pal.
:Otto: No can do. Never got one.
:[Skinner palms his forehead]
:Otto: But if you need proof of my identity I wrote my name on my underwear. [Checks his undies] Oh wait, these aren't mine.
:Skinner: Well, that tears it. Until you get a license and wear your own underwear, mister, you are suspended without pay!
:Otto: Who's gonna drive the bus?!
:Skinner: I drove an all-terrain vehicle in Da Nang. [Stands up] I think I can handle it.
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:Nelson: Hey Simpson, what are you trying to play?
:Bart: Polly-Wally-Doodle.
:Nelson: Oh yeah, well it sounds Polly-Wally-Crappy.
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:Martin: Although I'm sure I will receive a severe wedgie from my bus-mates, I must remind you that we should have been at school 10 minutes ago.
:Otto: Uh oh, better fasten your seatbelts, little dudes.
:Lisa: We don't have seatbelts.
:Otto: Uh, well, then just try to go limp.
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:Bart: Otto, you are the coolest adult ever!
:Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before, I've been tried as one but.
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:Bart: Otto-Man? You're living in a dumpster?
:Otto: Ho, man, I wish. Dumpster-brand trash bins are top-of-the-line. This is just a Trash-Co waste disposal unit.
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:Otto: I don't know about this, Bart dude. Your dad was right, I am a bum...
:Bart: He didn't call you a bum, he called you a sponge.
:Otto: SPONGE?! (Punches wall) I'll show him what this sponge can do!
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:Spinal Tap: I just walked out there and there’s puddles of water all over the freakin’ stage.
:Rock Fan: Huh, I don’t want to lie to you boys. Six days a week this place is a hockey rink.
:Spinal Tap: Yeah, well this is a rock concert, not the bleeding splish splash show.
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:Spinal Tap: Well, it seems some silly twit did not get a big enough oxygen tank, but that's supposed to be a devil. Filled up with air it's very evil and impressive. We salute you, our half inflated Dark Lord!
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:Kent Brockman: Of course, it would be wrong to suggest this sort of mayhem began with rock-and-roll. After all, there were riots at the premiere of Mozart's "The Magic Flute." So, what's the answer? Ban all music? In this reporter’s opinion, the answer, sadly, is 'yes'.
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:Bart: Mom, I want to be a rockstar.
:Marge: Hmmmmm we'll discuss it later. Is Milhouse okay?
:Homer: Uh, I'll be right back....
:Milhouse: (at the arena lying under a pile of folding chairs) Help!
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:Homer [singing]: There was a little Spanish flea. A record star he thought he'd be. He heard of singers like Beatles, The Chipmunks he'd seen on TV. Why not a little Spanish flea? And so he hid inside a dog...
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:Marge: I don't understand why don't you stay with your parents?
:Otto: The admiral and I don't get along.
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:Otto: Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go.
:Homer: Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad, and it's not going to work for you.
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:Homer: Listen, you drain-clogging, last-cookie-eating, collect-call-getting sponge! I want you out of my house!
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:Bart: Rough day, Apu? Help me a squishee and don't spare the syrup.
:Apu: Oh, perhaps you would like to try an experimental flavor of my own concoction. A delicious Chutney Squishee.
:Bart: Oh... okay…slurp.
:Apu: You can really taste the chutney!
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:Bart: Otto Mann where'd you learn how to play the guitar?
:Otto: It's all I ever did in high school, but my Old man said I was wasting my time and I'd never amount to anything.
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:Homer: Boy, some of the best times I’ve ever had were in the back seat of a car.
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:Otto: I want to take the test again!
:Patty: Why?
:Otto: So I can staple my license on Homer Simpson's big bald head!
:Patty: (changes her demeanor upon hearing Homer's name) Really!
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:(During the driving test:)
:Otto: Homer had a piece of food stuck to his face for three days!
:(Patty laughs as Otto tells her more stories of Homer and his crude behavior)
:Otto: And it wasn't little either, it was a chicken wing!
:Patty: (Laughing.) Wing!