All Stars Are Bastards

All Stars Are Bastards is the 4th episode of the 4th season of the spin-off, NKC, written by AllisonLoaded. It released December 31, 2022.
==Plot==
Krabs and Rex's rehab sessions come to an end; Patrick gets sent out to stop a human trafficking ring.
==Script==
(Episode begins with a fade-in of Lankton sitting alone in his office, holding a bag of cocaine)
Lankton: Well, 3 more minutes until… THEY burst through that damn door. I’m sure I can throw in a quickie…
(Lankton spreads the cocaine all over his desk and takes a snort; he screams so loud he knocks his glass cup off his desk, breaking it on the floor)
Lankton: (Coughing vigorously) GOD DAMN, THAT IS SOME GOOD STUFF. (Breathes heavily) Okay… Now I think I am ready for them to come in…
(A knock is heard on the door)
Rex: (Outside) Hello? Lankton? You there?
Lankton: (Sighs) It’s showtime…
(The door opens, and in step Rex and Krabs. Lankton walks in the room as they are seated)
Lankton: Welcome to another session, Rex and Krabs. 
Krabs: So, Lankton, how much progress have we made?
Lankton: I’d say you’ve made considerable progress. The shock collars did a good number on you.
Rex: I can still feel the electricity sometimes…
Lankton: I have good news for you boys.
Krabs: What’s that?
Lankton: I feel our sessions are near complete.
Krabs: Really? That’s great news!
Rex: I stayed awake all of last night because I could still feel the pain.
Lankton: This could very well be our last session ever. Your improvement has been monumental; the negative reinforcement seems to have been a good option.
Krabs: It was super fucking painful.
Lankton: That was the point, numbskull.
Rex: So is that it? Are we home free?
Lankton: Well, not quite. We have one more thing to do.
Krabs: And what is that? 
Lankton: One last resistance test.
Rex: What?! Oh god, PLEASE don’t tell me the shock collars are coming back!
Lankton: They won’t, unless you force me to. DON’T FORCE ME TO BRING THEM BACK.
(Rex and Krabs just stare)
Lankton: Anyway, as I was saying, today we’re doing one final endurance test. You know, to see if you have cured your problems.
Rex: Oh great. I sure do LOVE these. That was sarcasm.
Lankton: I know what sarcasm is. You two know the drill; I administer a shock collar, you try to hold back your urges. 
(Lankton haphazardly puts collars on Krabs and Rex; a “5 MINUTES LATER” timecard shows up onscreen and we see Rex and Krabs charred black as Lankton is holding his head in shame)
Rex: Wow. That did NOT work.
Lankton: (Long, frustrated sigh) Listen, we’re gonna keep doing this shit until we succeed, even if that takes all day.
Krabs: Uh… is there an alternative?
Lankton: No, there’s not. Now, let’s get this over with.
(We see a zoom-out of Lankton’s clinic as we hear Krabs and Rex scream in pain following electrical shocks; fade to Patrick at the NKC police center, standing in front of the chief of police)
Chief: Patrick, I am thoroughly impressed.
Patrick: Yeah? Impressive how?
Chief: Usually all our police officers would have killed themselves before they even get this far into the force. But you, you’ve stayed with us.
Patrick: I’m terrified of death. The fact that we don’t know, and probably never will know, what comes after death absolutely frightens me and keeps me up at night just thinking of it.
Chief: Yeah, well, because you did such a good job, we’re sending you on yet another big mission.
Patrick: Chief, I dunno. This police force shit… I don’t think it’s my thing. 
Chief: What do you mean?
Patrick: I dunno, I just said death terrifies me and working as a police officer puts your life at risk. Plus, the physical labor is just torture.
Chief: Come on, just do one more mission, then I’ll let you retire. Do it for me!
Patrick: Well… (Ponders before shrugging) Eh… Why the fuck not? 
Chief: Great! 
Patrick: So, uh, what’s this big mission?
Chief: Well, we finally found the base of the worst human trafficking ring in NKC.
Patrick: Woah, woah, how did we go from busting drug manufacturers to THIS shit?!
Chief: The trafficking den is located in an abandoned factory downtown. 
Patrick: Uh… which one, though?
Chief: Uh… Well… I don’t remember.
Patrick: God damnit, that is very useful information to just forget like that.
Chief: It’s no big deal, Patrick. Just bust down several abandoned factory doors until you find the right one.
Patrick: Wow. No wonder crime is up so high in this fucking craphole of a city.
Chief: I’d send you with a partner, but all our available officers shot themselves, so you’ll have to go alone.
Patrick: WHAT?! THERE’S NO WAY I’M BUSTING A HUMAN TRAFFICKING RING ALONE!
Chief: Maybe without a gun. But you forget you have a gun. So when you burst into those doors… just shoot some motherfuckers. Even if you hit the victims, it doesn’t matter as long as you kill a bitch. (Hands Patrick a pistol) Here.
Patrick: Wow. A pistol. A single pistol. You could’ve given me, like, a machine gun or something, but you give me a pistol.
Chief: Stop bitching and just get out there! Jesus.
Patrick: Whatever you say, chief. (Walks out the door; under breath) Fat piece of shit.
(Fade to multiple shots of Patrick busting down several doors of several abandoned factories downtown, aiming his gun, but realizing that there is no one inside; this goes on for a while, until we see Patrick collapse on the floor in exhaustion)|
Patrick: (Panting, weakly) I fucking… hate… this job…
(Patrick looks up and sees one final abandoned factory)
Patrick: If this one isn’t the one… I’m fucking quitting…
(We see Patrick crawl towards the factory; he tries to stand up, but fails and falls to the ground in front of the doors)
Patrick: I just need… a little rest…
Chief: (On Patrick’s radio) Patrick! Patrick, report in! Patrick?
(Patrick tries responding but just mumbles)
Chief: (On Patrick’s radio) God damnit, Patrick! Get in there! 
(Patrick simply doesn’t respond; eventually, he gets electrocuted, making him stand up on his feet)
Patrick: OW, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! FUCK!
Chief: (On Patrick’s radio) I can administer electric shocks through your badge. It’s to make sure you don’t slack off!
Patrick: WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? THAT FUCKING HURT!
Chief: (On Patrick’s radio) I love seeing people’s reactions to discovering it for the first time. Now quit slacking off and get in that damn factory!
Patrick: (Frustrated tone) Okay, but I swear to God, if this isn’t the one, I fucking quit.
Chief: (On Patrick’s radio) Understood. Just get in there.
(We see a shot of the inside of the factory; Patrick busts open the doors, pointing his gun)
Patrick: FREEZE! EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
(Patrick looks around and sees groups of people tied up on the floor next to two shadowy figures)
Patrick: Oh, thank GOD, this is the right place.
(The two shadowy figures look at Patrick and put their hands up)
Patrick: STEP FORWARD INTO THE LIGHT. DO IT OR I SHOOT!
(The two shadowy figures exchange glances as the walk forward out of the darkness, revealing that they are Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy; Patrick lets out an audible gasp as he realizes this)
Mermaid Man: IT WAS ALL BARNACLE BOY’S IDEA! HE FORCED ME TO GO ALONG!
Barnacle Boy: BULLSHIT. BULL FUCKING SHIT. IT WAS HIS IDEA, AND HE FORCED ME TO GO ALONG!
Mermaid Man: LIES. ALL LIES! BARNACLE BOY IS A MANIAC! HE’S OUT OF CONTROL!
Barnacle Boy: I SAW YOU HAVING SEX WITH ONE OF THESE POOR FUCKERS. YOU FUCKIGN ENJOYED DOING IT. IT WAS ALL YOUR IDEA, FUCKING MANIAC.
Mermaid Man: YOU’RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T GET FUCKING LAID!
Barnacle Boy: OH, THAT IS IT. THAT’S FUCKING IT. YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD.
Mermaid Man: I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY TO KILL ME, YOU WORTHLESS SIDEKICK!
(Barnacle Boy screams as he tackles Mermaid Man and begins brutally beating him up until he is covered in his blood, delivering one final punch as he stands up breathing)
Barnacle Boy: (Panting) Rot in Hell, you… you motherfucker… (Looks forward, only to see Patrick is still standing there; Patrick has a look of shock on his face as Barnacle Boy just stares at him) You… uh… didn’t see all of that, did you?
Patrick: I… I saw all of that. You’re… you’re gonna have to come with me.
Barnacle Boy: Well… Shit.
(Fade to Lankton’s clinic; Lankton is asleep while Rex and Krabs are sitting in chairs with looks of fear; which linger for 20 seconds, until Lankton’s beeping watch wakes him up)
Lankton: Eh?... whuh…? 
(Lankton looks at Rex and Krabs sitting down with blank expressions)
Lankton: Did… did you two succeed the test?
(No Response)
Lankton: HEY!
(Krabs and Rex break out of their paranoia)
Lankton: I asked you a question. Did you succeed the test?
Krabs: Actually… I think we did!
Rex: Holy shit, you’re right - we passed! Holy FUCK!
Lankton: No way. No FUCKING way! Holy SHIT! You fucking DID IT! Oh my FUCKING god!
(They all cheer)
Rex: So, what now? What’s next?
Lankton: Well… nothing! You succeeded, so you’re free to go!
Krabs: Really?
Lankton: Yeah, you’re free to go! Get out of here! Shoo! Let me enjoy some me-time!
Krabs: Thanks for the help, Dr. Lankton!
Lankton: Yeah, yeah, now go! Please!
(Rex and Krabs excitedly run out the door; when they’re gone, Lankton pulls out a large bottle of alcohol and takes a sip of it)
Lankton: (Burps) Yup… some me time… (Takes another big sip; burps, then falls on the floor before passing out)
(Fade to Patrick at the police center, throwing Barnacle Boy in a cell)
Barnacle Boy: I DEMAND MY PHONE CALL!
Chief: (Walks towards Patrick) Patrick, you make me proud. You are the best officer we ever had in this fucking garbage town!
Patrick: Good, because I quit.
Chief: (Deep sigh) Yeah. Yeah, I expected that. Nobody ever keeps this job. I’ll need the outfit back.
(Patrick hands the outfit. The chief stares at him)
Patrick: What?
Chief: The outfit AND the gun, Patrick.
Patrick: (Sigh) Damnit. (Places gun in the Chief’s hand)
Chief: Now get out. Please.
(Patrick walks out the station)
Patrick: Well… now that that’s over, what the fuck am I gonna do here? Maybe I could move back. Or maybe I could get in on some of that criminal life. I mean, Krabs, Rex, Squidward and Plankton did it, so what could go wrong?
(Patrick continues walking when he walks by a poster)
Patrick: What’s this now? (Takes poster off wall, begins reading it) “Would you like to help improve NKC? Well, consider running for mayor today!” (Stops reading) Really? They’re advertising their own mayoral elections? God, what a fucking shitty town. But running for mayor? Hmmmmm…. Could be an interesting venture! But I dunno… it’s a lot of work. I’ll need help organizing my campaign. Now, who could help me? Hmmmm… what about my friends? Yeah, I know! I’ll call my smartest friend right now!
(Cut to the inside of Sandy’s treedome; her phone rings and she picks it up)
Sandy: Howdy, you reached Sandy. ‘
Patrick: Hi, Sandy.
Sandy: Patrick? I haven’t heard from you in forever!
Patrick: It’s a long story. But listen, I need you to come to New Kelp City.
Sandy: Why the hell would I go there? Do you want me to get mugged and sexually assaulted? Krabs already did both of those things enough.
Patrick: Jesus, Sandy. I just need you to help me with something. I’ll explain when you come here!
Sandy: Right. Be right there. (hangs up phone, puts on spacesuit) God, I really don’t wanna go to NKC. Let’s just hope whatever Patrick needs won’t be too time consuming.
(Sandy runs out the door as the episode cuts to black)
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