Cans Without Labels (Johnsonverse)/Transcript

* (Looney Tunes-style title cards showing George Liquor, Ernie and Slab, Cigarettes the Cat, Jimmy the Idiot Boy, and "several surprise guest stars" appear.)
* (Cut to the title card showing the name on can lids, then to the writing/story, producing, background painting, and directing credits, as well as the cast list.)
* (Cut to another card saying "The following animated cartoon picture is based on a true story", with "...only the names and species have been changed" fading in.) 
* (Fade in to the exterior of George's house. A car stops in front of it. Cut to George Liquor coming out of the car with various unmarked cans. He looks at the camera and says his catchphrase, with the words "GEORGE LIQUOR, AMERICAN" above him in red, white, and blue, respectively.)
* George: Hello. I'm George Liquor, American!
* (George kicks the car door shut, and walks into the door. Cut to Ernie and Slab playing a video game.)
* Slab: Ha ha! You're gonna lose!
* Ernie: No, you are!
* George (o/s): Ernie! Slab! I'm home!
* Ernie and Slab: (groan)
*George (o/s): Got food for ya!
*Ernie and Slab: Coming, Uncle George!
* (The two turn off their console and walk to the dinner table. Cut to George walking up the stairs, then to him putting all the cans on the table. Ernie and Slab run to their seats.)
* Ernie: Uncle George, what's in all those cans?
* (Cut to a closeup of George)
* George: This is a lesson on frugality, boys. 
* (Cut to George showing the cans)
* George: These here are cans without labels.
* (Cut back to George)
* George: I buy' em CHEAP!
* (Cut to Ernie and Slab sticking their tongues out)
* George (o/s): Five, ten cents each! 
*(Cut back to George)
*George: Ya gotta learn to save a buck here in this world!
* (Cut to Ernie and Slab, who look at each other, and then shrug, then to George handing the can to them)
* Slab: Well, how do you know what's in the can?
* (Cut to Liquor rolling his eyes, then grabbing the can)
* George: Ah! Each can gives you clues. I got it down to a science.
* (Cut to Ernie and Slab's reflection from the can, then to George holding it)
* George: Lookie here. Hmm, let's see now. This one's got a gold lid. Two rings in it, and three rings around the middle. And now, the slosh test.
* (George shakes the can. Ernie and Slab are biting their nails as George thinks. George finds out what's in the can)
* George: Bingo! It's beef stew!
* Ernie and Slab: We love beef stew, Uncle George!
* George: All right. Here's the rule: once we open this can...
* (Fade to a closeup of George's face)
* George: ...we have to eat whatever's... in it...
* (Ernie and Slab are excited. George opens the can.)
* George: Dig in, kids.
* (Ernie grabs the can, and doesn't like what he sees)
* Ernie: Aah!
* George: What's wrong? It's beef stew, isn't it?
* Ernie: Look...
* (Cut to a closeup of the can's contents: a human face, which has plenty of visceral detail. George looks at it, then to the camera.)
* George: Well, I guess we're having a FACE for lunch!
* (Ernie and Slab try to run away)
* Slab: No, no, no, no, no!
* (George grabs them)
* George: Get back here! Sit down and eat your face!
* Ernie and Slab: But we don't want to eat a face, Uncle George!
* George: I don't get it. What's wrong with the face? 
*Slab: Well, we haven't exactly eaten anything like it before, but...
*George: Do you know how many starving African babies would KILL for a nice face like this, do ya?
* Ernie: Well, why don't we send it to them?
* (George bangs the table with his fist, pointing at Ernie)
* George: Watch your mouth, smart guy! Are you gonna eat that face? Or do I have to take my belt off?
* (Ernie tries to eat the face, but is too disgusted, while Slab covers his mouth. George is angry, and chews off some of the table.)
* George: EAT... THE FUCKING...
* (George performs a wild take, with his eyes bursting out of their sockets)
* George: ...FAAAAAAAAACE!
* (George's eyes pop back on, and Ernie and Slab sob; George calms down.)
* George: Okay, I'm gonna give you guys a break. I'm gonna go calm down...
* (Cut to a closeup of George, whose eyelids are raised by cat paws)
* George: ...and take a crap.
* (Ernie and Slab are scared)
* George: And when I get back... Oh, that face better be gone.
* (George walks out the door and into the bathroom; he's heard using the toilet)
* (Ernie and Slab are worried, and hear a cat meowing. Slab pulls Cigarettes out of the door and puts him in the chair)
* Ernie: Whoa, way to go, Slab! Who knew you had a brain?
* (Slab is flattered)
* Ernie: Hey, cat! You hungry?
* (Cigarettes is shocked)
* Cigarettes: You mean... I... get to join you guys? Eat human food and everything?
* Ernie: It's your lucky day, pussy!
* (Cigarettes grabs a spoon)
* Cigarettes: Wow! Let's get to it!
* (Ernie hands the can to Cigarettes, who sees the face and drops his spoon)
* Cigarettes: Uh, is that a face?
* (Ernie and Slab nod)
* Slab: Yeah, pussy! It's all yours!
* (Cigarettes sees a bubble come up from the can and pop)
* Cigarettes: Uh, listen. I know I'm a mangy alley cat, and I'll eat just about anything. (A sound comes from the can) But even I draw the line at a face, man.
* Slab: Ugh! Some cat!
* (Slab throws Cigarettes out through the doggy door in an arc with an accompanying cannonball sound effect; a knock is heard)
*George (o/s): I'm almost done!
* Slab: Let's throw it out! Uncle George will never find out!
* Ernie: Why didn't I think of that sooner? Alright, but please don't tell him.
*George (o/s, under Slab and Ernie's dialogue): I'm pulling up the pants! I'm zipping up!
* (Ernie and Slab dump the face in the trash, then get back to their seats with the empty can.)
*George (o/s): Okay, BOYS! Here I come!
*(George walks in, with his belt in his hand and his pants partially down; first, he appears as a silhouette, then the camera focuses on the lower half of the left side of his body)
* George: Oh, those poor little African babies... Those babies...
* (George sees that the can is empty and accidentally pulls his pants down, covering his crotch with his hand)
* George: Well, I'll be goddamned.
* (George is ecstatic)
* George: You did it! You ate the FACE! That wasn't so bad now, was it?
* Slab: No sweat!
* (George walks into frame and hugs Ernie and Slab)
* George: You're good boys. Oh!
* (George walks from the table)
* George: Well, lads, this calls for a reward!
* Ernie and Slab: Hooray!
* George: Tell you what I'm gonna do! I'll open ANOTHER can!
* (George grabs another can. Cut to Ernie and Slab.)
* George (o/s): Maybe there'll be a nice foot for ya!
* (The boys run away screaming hysterically, to George's surprise. Cut to Ernie and Slab still running and screaming; they screech to a halt)
*Slab: Think we lost him?
*Ernie: Slab, look!
*(The two spot Jimmy the Idiot Boy, who has just bought an unlabeled can)
*Ernie: Jimmy! Don't you know what you're eating?
*(Ernie takes the can and smashes it open, revealing blueberry syrup with pregnant grasshoppers inside; Jimmy keeps standing simply)
*Slab: Where did you get this can from?
*(Jimmy falls on the ground, his stance being the same direction as where the store is)
*Ernie: Thanks a lot, Jimmy.
*(The two grab the can and walk over to a run-down store that looks like it hasn't been remodeled since 1973 and spot the dealer)
*Dealer: Good afternoon, boys! Want a can of food for the cheapest price possible?
*(The boys show the can to the dealer)
*Slab: No, look at THIS!
*Dealer: That? Oh, that's just syrup.
*Ernie: Just syrup? There are fucking grasshoppers in this!
*Slab: And they're pregnant!
*Dealer: Come on, kids, I gotta sell some cheap crap.
*(A door sound is heard, and Ernie and Slab are terrified)
*George (o/s): BOYS!
*(Cut to George)
*George: I knew it! You two didn't eat that face at all!
*(George grabs Ernie and Slab)
*George: You two are coming back home, ready to meet my belt!
*Ernie and Slab: NOOOOOOOO!!!
*(Suddenly, officers burst in)
*Officer: Hold it right there!
*(Cut to the dealer being put inside a police car, which speeds off, then to George, Ernie and Slab)
*George: Who knew that dealer was a jaywalker? Come on, boys, let's go and grab some burgers!
*Ernie and Slab: Yay!
*George: Now, where's Jimmy?
*(Cut to Jimmy still laying on the ground, with a crow plucking an eye off of him)
*(Iris out, followed by a "The End" card)
*(Cut to a screen saying "And now, some Kickstarter backer rewards", the first being a bumper for Shimmy Shack, beginning with Ernie and Slab looking at a can; text appears as the narrator reads the lines)
*Narrator: Why settle for a nasty old can?
*Ernie: Because that's all Uncle George serves us.
*(The can becomes a burger, fries, and salad fries)
*Narrator: When you can enjoy a tasty treat?
*(A smoothie and cookies appear as Ernie and Slab disappear and Shimmy Shack's logo and mascot appear; the mascot winks at the camera. Cut to Ernie and Slab looking at a Shimmy Shack truck with a honk sound.)
*Narrator: Watch for the bright green truck...
*(Cut to another shot of the truck)
*Narrator: ...serving Detroit and surrounding areas.
*(Cut to Ernie and Slab eating some Shimmy Shack items in front of a Shimmy Shack truck)
*Slab: Mmm. Delicious!
*Ernie: We're never having those disgusting cans again.
*(Cut to the Shimmy Shack logo. Additional text saying "Vegetarian * American" and "Veg-American!" appear.)
*Narrator: Shimmy Shack. Vegetarian plus American equals Veg-American!
*(Cut back to Ernie and Slab in front of the Shimmy Shack truck, jumping in joy)
*Ernie and Slab: Yay!
*(The bumper ends. Cut to the second Kickstarter backer reward: a scene showing caricatures of Bruce and Karen Ryan. A title card appears saying "And now, a word from Bruce and Karen Ryan", accompanied by a drawing showing caricatures of them eating from a can with Ren and Stimpy, then to Bruce and a can)
*Bruce: Welcome to my cartoon! You're just in time to see me and a can!
*(Cut to Bruce opening the can)
*Bruce: I can hardly wait to taste what's inside.
*(Karen comes out of the can)
*Bruce: Ooh! A wife!
*Karen: What's for lunch?
*Bruce: I--oh... you, honey!
*(Bruce gives some smooches and licks Karen)
*Karen: Coronada(?)
*Bruce: Damn, shook, man!
*(Bruce and Karen laugh, ending their scene)
*(Cut to the credits, showing Golden Book-styled illustrations of various scenes, then to the Spümcø card)
*(Fade to a dedication to Mike, Mary Lou, and Elizabeth Kricfalusi, with "and Mike Pataki" fading in below.)
=== Alternate ending ===
Category:Johnsonverse