The Pedo Who Stole Christmas

The Pedo Who Stole Christmas is CartoonGuy's Spin-Off Kings' Spin-Off Because Yes' third episode. It aired on December 23, 2020, was written by CartoonGuy277, and its theme was Christmas.
== Transcript ==
[The episode starts under the sea, with a shot of Santa flying over Bikini Bottom]
Santa: Ho ho ho! To everyone, Merry Christmas! Or at least it will be Merry for SpongeBob SquarePants…...it seems everyone else in this beautiful city, has been very naughty, without Christmas spirit!
French Narrator: Little did he know that, with a telescope, he was being spied on by a man, on the surface, Paul Renaud.
[Cut to the surface, where it is shown that Santa is being observed by Paul Renaud with a telescope]
Renaud: That bearded old bastard, I wish I was him! Watching every little action of every little kid! No matter their age, eight, fifteen, or twelve, he watches them all and gets his ass wiped by elves!
French Narrator: Renaud despises Christmas, the whole Christmas season! But please don’t ask why, there’s an illegal reason…..
Renaud: In the morning I know that all the girls and boys, will wake up real early to play with their toys. They’ll stay with their family, they won’t go outside, which means there’ll be no one I can get inside! For over thirty years I’ve put up with this now! I must get rid of the presents…….but how?! [he kicks some snow in anger, which ends up hitting a Santa balloon on top of a house]
French Narrator: Then he got an idea, an awful idea. Renaud got a wonderful, awful idea.
Renaud: [makes his classic smile] Oh jolly, I know what to do, here’s the trick! I’ll steal every present, dressed up like Saint Nick! With the presents I’ll attract every little kid, and then I will have lots of fun……..with my dick!
French Narrator: And so, as we’ll now see Renaud steal Christmas, it’s time for an obligatory song about how he’s a mean one.
[A montage of Renaud stealing presents from various houses while dressed as Santa plays, which has the song in the background]
French Narrator (song):
You're a mean one, Paul Renaud
You’ve got children in your sights 
You're as innocent as world leaders, as young as....world leaders, Paul Renaud
You're a tax evader, which is probably what you’ll get jailed for!
You're a bitch swan, Paul Renaud
Your heart beats just near children
You’ve bribed police once or twice
You've got garlic in your soul, Paul Renaud
Kids shouldn’t be within 39 and a half feet near you!
You're a ballsack, Paul Renaud
Dirt is all over your smile
You have all the ice cream sweetness, which you use to attract children, Paul Renaud
Given a choice between you and Satan I’d pick you no matter who I choose!
You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch
You're a nasty dirty slut
You haven’t showered in years
You’re too busy luring kids, Paul Renaud
The three syllables that best describe you are as follows, and I quote
"Pe-do-phile!"
You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch
You adore classturbation
Your heart's a guilty apple
Stained with some sticky white spots, Paul Renaud
Your soul is an appalling dump heap
Overflowing with the most disgraceful
Assortment of bodily fluids
Imaginable, mangled up in a sea of trash!
You nauseate me, Paul Renaud
Some murders you’ve caused for sure!
You’re a crooked dirty teacher promoting degeneracy, Paul Renaud
You're a blasted buffoon
The ways you groom are always new!
[The song ends, along with the montage of Renaud stealing Christmas]
[Cut to children coming out of their houses with a sad look on their face, looking at each other]
Kid: Santa didn’t give me any present, not even one! But I wasn’t a naughty one!
Emo kid: [appears out of nowhere] Oooh, you’ve been naughty, pfft, big deal. Everyone’s naughty, and Santa isn’t real.
Little kid: Santa…..*sobs*........I must eliminate! The entire North Pole I must annihilate!
[The kids start looking in the distance, and see Renaud dressed as Santa sitting on a sleigh, with a bag of presents next to him]
Kid: IT’S SANTA! IT’S SANTA! IT’S SANTA, SANTA, SANTA!
[The kids run towards Renaud, and the screen zooms on him]
Renaud: [makes a very big smile]
French Narrator: Renaud, he was joyful, for his plan had worked. But down there, he felt some extremely big growth. What happened there? Well, ‘round here they say, that Paul Renaud’s dick grew three sizes that day.
Renaud: [jumps out of his sleigh with extreme excitement, and lands in the position of a predator about to attack its prey]
[The kids get closer to Renaud]
??? (offscreen): STOP, CHILDREN, THAT’S NOT THE REAL SANTA! HE’S JUST A CREEP WHO WANTS TO HAVE FUN WITH HIS BANANA!
Renaud: I’m not a creep, that’s simply untrue! And also, who the hell even are you?!
[Santa arrives on his sleigh driven by reindeer]
Santa: It is I, Santa, the real one! And not a pedophile, tax evader, mean one!
Renaud: Okay now, you don’t pay your taxes, do you? So don’t go around telling people what to do!
Santa: How dare you, I’m Santa, Santa Claus, dammit! [gets off the sleigh] Kids, let’s get together and murder this pile of shit! [he lends pitchforks to the kids, and gets one himself, and they all chase Renaud]
Renaud: I usually like a good chase before sex, but I don’t think today’s gonna have much sex……
[Renaud keeps on running, and he gets near the sea. He tries to jump in the sea, but before he can do that, a giant aquarium with wheels and Bikini Bottomites in it comes out of the water, lands on Renaud, then keeps on driving, leaving Renaud on the floor extremely hurt]
[The screen zooms on Renaud]
French Narrator (song):
Once there was a pedophile in this hateful no good world
He was a wicked witch, a wicked bitch, that shouldn’t have been born
He groomed all kids that he could see, he wanted to fuck ‘em
‘Till one fine day from the sea
An aquarium fell on his head
The French narrator, that’s me, pronounced him, dead
And through the town the joyous news went running
The joyous news that that pedophile was finally done in
Ding-dong! The pedo’s dead
Which pedo? Well, Paul Renaud (Oh)
Ding dong! The pedo boss is dead
Oh yeah, on Christmas Day 
Wake up you sleepy head
Rub your eyes
Get out of that bed
Wake up, the pedo boss is dead
He’s gone where the damn fools go
Below, below, below
Let’s open up and sing
And ring those bells out
Sing the news out
Ding dong, the merry, oh sing it high and sing it low
Let them know that Paul Renaud is dead
Everyone’s glad, filled with Christmas joy
Renaud will no longer have sex with little boys
Let ‘em know the pedo boss is dead
[Cut to Santa and the kids being chased by the aquarium]
Santa: What do you want, folks from Bikini Bottom?!
Bikini Bottomites: Revenge, for the presents that we should have gotten!
Santa: I would have loved to give y’all presents, however, I’m sorry……...but the thing is, almost all of you have been naughty!
Harold: Shut up bearded bastard, we declare war! So prepare your spears, let’s murder this who-
Someone (offscreen): NO!
[Santa, the kids, and the aquarium stops, and everyone looks towards the direction of the voice, seeing SpongeBob on the floor]
Squidward: Oh, now the only one that got presents is crying!
Santa: I don’t think he’s crying…...MY GOD, HE’S DYING! [he grabs SpongeBob and throws him in the aquarium]
SpongeBob: Ah, thank you Santa, this is much better! Now, let’s solve this dispute over presents! What are your thoughts, fellow Bikini Bottomites? 
All the Bikini Bottomites except SpongeBob: If we get no presents, there’ll be a fight!
SpongeBob: Uh…….ok, Santa, what do you think?
Santa: I can’t just give presents to those who are naughty!
Harold: NAUGHTY?! THAT’S UTTER BULLSHIT!
Santa: I’m sorry, but you’ve simply lacked Christmas spirit!
Mr. Krabs: I’m a company owner, what could I do wrong?
Plankton: Shut it Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: You shut it, you slob!
Harold: There still are no presents, so it’s time to fight!
SpongeBob: PEOPLE! THAT’S NOT THE POINT OF THE BIRTH OF CHRIST! Christmas is a holiday to be with your loved ones, to eat some nice turkey and to not be bastards! The least important thing you can think about are presents, no matter their worth and no matter their awesomeness. Of course it is nice to get a few presents, a few toys, or games, or even just a sweater. But the thing about Christmas most important of all, is celebrating happily with your family, friends, or dogs.
French Narrator: The Bikini Bottomites thought for a while, as did the almost victims of the pedophile. All their lives, in this season, they were full of joy……..but that was because they would have brand new toys. However, after the marvellous speech of that sponge, they realised Christmas might mean a bit more.
[Harold, after a bit of hesitation, starts holding another Bikini Bottomite’s hand, which starts a chain of holding hands, ending with everyone in the aquarium holding hands. Outside the aquarium, the kids do the same thing, as Santa looks at them happily. The episode ends with everyone singing the “Ding Dong The Witch is Dead” parody from earlier, as the credits roll]
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