Transcripts/The Loobenfeld Decay

==Season 1 - Episode 10 - The Loobenfeld Decay==
Sceneti 	The downstairs lobby.
Leonard 	See, the liquid metal Terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson, but that future no longer exists, due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon 	Okay, then riddle me this. Assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite hot 17 year-old killer robot?
Leonard 	Skynet is kinky? I don't know.
Sheldon 	Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
Leonard 	Alright, oh wait, they use it to in...
Sheldon 	(Buzzing noise), too late, I win.
Penny 	(Voice off, singing off key) Let's go-oh-oh Ou-oooo-ut tonight. I have to go-oh-oh-oh ou-ooooo-ut tonight.
Leonard 	What the hell is that?
Sheldon 	I don't know, but if cats could sing, they’d hate it too. (The continue up the stairs and disappear from view).
Penny 	(Still singing off) You wanna prowl, be my night owl, (Leonard and Sheldon reappear, running down the stairs) we'll take my... (appearing) Hey guys, hi! Where you going?
Leonard 	What? Oh we just had to... mail some letters and (seeing Sheldon has large bag in hand and bin is nearby) throw away some chicken. (Sheldon very reluctantly does.)
Penny 	You'll never guess what just happened.
Leonard 	Oh, I give up.
Sheldon 	I don't guess. As a scientist I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation, although as I'm saying this it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device rendering my response moot.
Penny 	What was that?
Leonard 	Believe it or not, personal growth. What happened?
Penny 	Alright, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent, but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why?
Sheldon 	I have a conclusion based on an observation.
Leonard 	No you don't. No he doesn't.
Penny 	Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out and they asked me to replace her.
Leonard 	Oh, congratulations, what a lucky break.
Penny 	It's not a big deal, just a one night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents so, you never know.
Sheldon 	I think I know.
Leonard 	No you don't. He doesn't.
Penny 	It's this Friday at eight, you guys want to come?
Together 	No.
Leonard 	Because.... uh, Friday, we are attending a Symposium on Molecular Positronium
Sheldon 	I think that's a week from Tuesday at six.
Leonard 	No, it's this Friday, at eight.
Penny 	Oh, too bad, well, I got to get to rehearsal, see you guys.
Leonard 	See you. (Penny exits singing)
Sheldon 	You just lied to Penny.
Leonard 	Yes, I did.
Sheldon 	And you did it so casually, no rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
Leonard 	So?
Sheldon 	So, lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard 	Sheldon, are you worried about your safety.
Sheldon 	No, I imagine if you were going to kill me you'd have done it a long time ago.
Leonard 	That's very true.
Scene 	Outside Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon 	(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard...
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	I need to speak to you.
Leonard 	It's two o’clock in the morning
Sheldon 	It's important.
Leonard 	I highly doubt that. Go away. (Long pause). Are you still out there?
Sheldon 	Yes.
Leonard 	(Opening door) What?
Sheldon 	You're right, it can wait until morning.
Leonard 	(Following Sheldon into living room) What, what, what, what, what?
Sheldon 	Never mind. I clearly woke you up in the middle of a REM cycle, you're in no state to talk.
Leonard 	Sheldon, what is it?
Sheldon 	I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
Leonard 	What was I supposed to say.
Sheldon 	You could have told her the truth.
Leonard 	That would have hurt her feelings.
Sheldon 	Is that a relevant factor?
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard 	And what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon 	I would suggest something to the effect of, singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan, to look for a tumour pressing on the cognitive processing center of your brain.
Leonard 	I couldn't say that, I would have to say, you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
Sheldon 	Why?
Leonard 	It's the social protocol, it's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
Sheldon 	I was not aware of that.
Leonard 	Well now you are.
Sheldon 	Oh, alright. Leonard.
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	When we played chess earlier, you were terrific and I can't wait to play you again. Goodnight.
Scene 	Leonard’s bedroom.
Sheldon 	(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock).....
Leonard 	Oooaw. This would be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath. (Opening door) What?
Sheldon 	I was analyzing our lie, and I believe we’re in danger of Penny seeing through the ruse.
Leonard 	How?
Sheldon 	Simple. If she were to log on to www.socalphysicsgroup.org/activities/other, click on upcoming events, scroll down to seminars, download the pdf schedule, and look for the seminar on molecular positronium, well then, bippidy-boppidy-boo, our pants are metaphorically on fire.
Sheldon 	Well, sir, my trousers will not be igniting today.
Scene 	Outside Penny’s door.
Sheldon 	(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Penny, (door opens) Good morning.
Penny 	Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon 	Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.
Penny 	What do you want?
Sheldon 	Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a Symposium on Molecular Positronium?
Penny 	I remember symposium.
Sheldon 	Yes, well, he lied.
Penny 	Wait, what?
Sheldon 	He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny 	Well imagine how I'm feeling.
Sheldon 	Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry this really isn't my strong suit.
Scene 	The living room.
Leonard 	You told her I lied, why would you tell her I lied?
Sheldon 	To help you.
Leonard 	I'm sorry, I'm not seeing the help.
Sheldon 	She was going to see through your lie eventually, so I told her that you were lying to protect me.
Leonard 	Oh, I'm getting a bad feeling.
Sheldon 	Hunger? Indigestion, I'm sorry I'm really not very good at this. Anyway, Penny now believes that on Friday night, we’re going to participate in my cousin Leopold's drug intervention.
Leonard 	Your cousin Leopold?
Sheldon 	Yea, who most people call Leo, but he also answers to Lee, remember that, it's important.
Leonard 	What's important?
Sheldon 	Details, Leonard, the success or failure of our deceitful enterprise turns on details.
Leonard 	Do you have a cousin Leopold.
Sheldon 	No, I made him up. I think you'd call him Lee.
Leonard 	I don't get it, I already told her a lie, why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon 	Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping I was weaving an un-unravelable web.
Leonard 	Un-unravelable?
Sheldon 	Yes, if she googles Leopold Houston she'll find a Facebook page, an online blog depicting his descent into drug use, and a desperate yet hopeful listing on e-harmony.com.
Leonard 	Okay, why would I go to a drug intervention for your cousing.
Sheldon 	Ah, because it's in Long Beach, and I don't drive.
Leonard 	We’re going to Long Beach?
Sheldon 	No, of course not, there's no cousin Leo, there's no intervention, focus Leonard.
Leonard 	Oh, come on!
Sheldon 	We just leave the house on Friday night, and we return in the wee hours emotionally wrung out from the work of convincing Leo to go back into rehab.
Leonard 	So he goes back into rehab?
Sheldon 	Yes, but, he can relapse if Penny ever invites us to go hear her sing again.
Leonard 	You still told her I lied.
Sheldon 	For a noble purpose, to spare me the social embarrassment of having a drug-addled first cousin, which I'm assuming is embarrassing, yes?
Leonard 	I don't know. How am I supposed to remember all of this.
Sheldon 	That's the best part, you don't have to, see I told Penny that you would be embarrassed, if you knew that she found out that you had lied, so she's agreed to operate as if the original lie was still in force.
Leonard 	So she's expecting me to lie about going to a symposium in Pasadena, when in actuality we’re pretending to go to a drug intervention in Long Beach?
Sheldon 	Un-unravelable.
Scene 	Apartment 4A
Leonard 	(Opening door) Oh hey Penny, wow, look at you, all ready for your showcase, you look great.
Penny 	Thanks. I just wanted to come by and wish you guys luck with your symposium.
Leonard 	Oh, well, thankyou.
Penny 	You know, I got to tell you, a lot of friends would let their friend go alone, but that's not who you are, you are the kind of guy who stands by a friend when... when he has a symposium to go to.
Leonard 	I don't know what to say.
Penny 	It's okay, Leonard (hugs him.)
Leonard 	Oh, okay, alright, good.
Howard 	(Arriving) Oh boy, group hug.
Penny 	Uh-huh!
Howard 	Uh-huh?
Penny 	Uh-huh!
Howard 	Okay. So what's up?
Sheldon 	Well, uh, Penny is on her way to perform in a one night showcase production of Rent, which we are unable to attend because we are going to a Symposium on Molecular Positronium, given by Dr Emile Farminfarmian.
Howard 	Wait a minute, Farminfarmian is speaking and you're Bogarding the symposium.
Leonard 	Howard, I'm sorry... we’re... we’re
Howard 	No, no, you're quark-blocking us.
Leonard 	I don't know what to say.
Howard 	Wow.
Leonard 	Howard, listen...
Howard 	No, it's okay, it's your Millenium Falcon, you and Chewbacca do whatever you want to do. Me and Princess Leia here will find some other way to spend the evening.
Penny 	Howard, wait. Sheldon, I think we should tell them.
Sheldon 	Okay, sure. I don't see a problem with that.
Penny 	There's no symposium, Leonard lied to me, isn't that right Leonard.
Leonard 	Well... I don't know what to say.
Penny 	It's okay, I do, look, Leonard is helping Sheldon through a family crisis, he made up the whole story about the symposium with Dr Farmin..farm...ian
Sheldon 	Good for you.
Penny 	Hah, yeah! Because he didn't want Sheldon to be embarrassed, and there is nothing to be embarrassed okay, every family in America has a relative holed up in a garage somewhere huffing paint thinner.
Howard 	(After Raj whispers in his ear) No, I'm lost too, I think she skipped a step.
Penny 	No, look, Sheldon's cousin Leo escaped rehab, and he's in a Motel 8 at Long Beach, the whole family's going out for an intervention. Leonard is driving Sheldon down there to help him through this because he's such a good man.
Leonard 	Oh, another hug, thank you.
Penny 	Alright you guys, good luck.
Leonard 	Thanks Penny.
Howard 	Yeah, uh, break a leg.
Sheldon 	Break a leg. (She leaves)
Howard 	So, road trip to Long Beach.
Leonard 	No, we’re not going to Long Beach.
Raj 	Why not?
Leonard 	Because Sheldon doesn't have a drug addicted cousin Leopold.
Raj 	Oh, too bad. I’ve always wanted to go to Long Beach.
Sheldon 	It's a very nice community. The Queen Mary is docked there, once the largest ocean liner in the world, it's now a hotel and restaurant where they host a surprisingly gripping murder mystery dinner.
Raj 	Sounds fun.
Howard 	I'm game.
Raj 	Shotgun.
Sheldon 	No, no, no, Leonard gets nauseous unless he sits in front, and even then it's iffy.
Leonard 	Wait, are we really going to Long Beach?
Scene 	Leonard’s bedroom. The bedside table is piled with Queen Mary memorabilia.
Sheldon 	(Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard, (Knock, knock, knock, knock) Leonard...
Leonard 	Let it go, Sheldon, the murderer was the first mate whether it makes sense to you or not.
Sheldon 	No, that's the least of our worries. I’ve been doing some research on addiction, both the biochemical and behavioral aspects, and I think there's a problem with the current version of our lie.
Leonard 	What are you talking about, it's fine, she bought it, it's over.
Sheldon 	Sadly, it's not. Substance abuse is a lifelong struggle, but beyond that I have realized that the Leo I described would not have agreed to go to rehab.
Leonard 	Why not?
Sheldon 	Because Leo is a middle child.
Leonard 	There is no Leo, how can you say that?
Sheldon 	You didn't read the bio, did you? He's not just a middle child, he's the quintessential middle child, from a broken home to boot. Psychologically speaking, the attention he gets by rebelling even to the point of self-destruction is more emotionally valuable than the help he would get at rehab.
Leonard 	I’ve got a solution.
Sheldon 	Great, what is it?
Leonard 	Get out.
Sheldon 	Fine. (He leaves. A moment later he comes back.) I’ve hesitated to point this out, but I must now remind you that we are in our current predicament because of your initial and totally inadequate deceit. I'm just trying to clean up after your mess. (Leonard throws a glass ornament at him. He just manages to shut the door in time.) We'll talk in the morning.
Scene 	The living room. Leonard enters in his dressing gown. There is a strange man eating cereal at the kitchen table.
Strange man	Morning.
Leonard 	Who are you?
Man 	I am Sheldon's cousin Leo.
Leonard 	Oh, God! Sheldon does not have a cousin Leo.
Man 	Au contraire. I'm 26 years old, I'm originally from (reads off crib notes) Denton, Texas, but I was a Navy brat so I was brought up on a variety of military bases around the world, as a result I’ve often felt like an outsider, never really fitting in, which is probably the reason for my substance abuse problem.
Sheldon 	Excuse me, we just went over this. As the quintessential middle child, your addiction is rooted in your unmet need for attention.
Man 	Oh, Sheldon, are we really going to go with pop psychology.
Sheldon 	For your information, this is all based on solid research, stick with the character profile I wrote for you.
Leonard 	Sheldon?
Sheldon 	I'm sorry, Leonard, this is Toby Loobenfeld, he's a research assistant in the particle physics lab, but he also minored in theater at MIT.
Toby 	It was more of a double major actually. Theater and physics. You can guess which one my bourgeois parents pushed me towards.
Leonard 	Yeah, I got it, Sheldon, why?
Sheldon 	Well, you see, while Leo would not have gone into rehab, it is completely plausible that we would have talked him into leaving the motel, and coming home with us.
Leonard 	Oh...!
Toby 	Sheldon, how about this as my motivation. When I was fourteen years old I was abused in the Philippines by a club footed Navy chaplain.
Sheldon 	No. We’re going with middle child, and a generic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
Toby 	Swell, how do I play genetic predisposition?
Sheldon 	Subtextually, of course. (There is a knock on the door.) Just have fun with it. (Opening door.) Morning Penny.
Penny 	Hi. How did the intervention go.
Sheldon 	Unfortunately, we weren't able to convince him to go to rehab.
Penny 	Well, based on what you told me, I'm not surprised.
Sheldon 	But we did convince him to leave the motel. Come say hello. Leo, this is Penny, our friend and neighbor.
Penny 	Hi Leo, how are you feeling?
Toby 	Let me ask you something, Penny. Have you ever woken up in a fleabag motel, covered in your own vomit, next to a transsexual prostitute?
Penny 	No.
Toby 	Then don't ask me how I'm feeling.
Leonard 	Well, that's Leo. Hey, um, why don't you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny 	Oh, it was okay I guess, wasn't a big turn out but they both really seemed to like it.
Leonard 	There were only two people there?
Penny 	By the end. Yeah.
Toby 	Damn you, Chaplain Horrigan!
Penny 	I'm... I'm sorry.
Toby 	The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.
Sheldon 	Don't forget his genetic predisposition towards addiction.
Toby 	That's never been proven.
Sheldon 	There have been studies.
Toby 	Not double blind studies.
Sheldon 	How could there be a double blind study, who would be the control group.
Leonard 	As you can see, detoxing can get pretty ugly, let's give them some privacy.
Penny 	Yeah. Hey, do you want to come over to my place, have coffee?
Leonard 	Sounds good.
Penny 	I have a video of me singing last night, do you want to see it?
Leonard 	Gee, why wouldn't I?
Penny 	This is even better than you coming to the showcase, because now I get to watch you watch me.
Leonard 	Yeah! Funny how things work out.
Toby 	And that he loved the companionship and the wisdom that his own father failed to provide.
Sheldon 	Your parents made the right decision.
Toby 	I cannot work like this!
Scene 	Apartment 4A. Penny is on the sofa with Toby. They are watching TV.
Toby 	This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch, watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk, or high, or... or... wondering if you're a dude down there.
Penny 	Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're gonna do okay.
Toby 	One day at a time, Penny, one day at a time.
Leonard 	How long is he going to stay here.
Sheldon 	He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard, where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)