Hoodwinked!/Transcript

* [The movie begins with The Weinstein Company and Kanbar Entertainment logos. Fade to black, then in the style of an old movie. Fades into the cover of a Little Red Riding Hood book with an illustration of the titular character screaming at the sight of a monstrous depiction of the Big Bad Wolf as dramatic brass music plays.]
* Nicky: Red Riding Hood. You probably know the story. [a girl is heard screaming] But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say: you can't judge a book by its cover. If you want to learn the truth, you've got toflip through the pages.
* [The book opens up, then the camera zooms in through the pop-up woods, that become real. Dramatic music plays until the camera stops at the door of Granny's cottage.]
* Red: Granny? [goes inside] It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
* Wolf: [disguised as Granny, falsetto voice] Oh, oh yeah. Sure thing. Come on in.
* Red: What? Wh-Who are you?
* Wolf: I'm your grandma.
* Red: Your face looks really weird, Granny.
* Wolf: I've been sick, I... uh...
* Red: And your mouth doesn't move when you talk.
* Wolf: Oh, uh, plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done. Now, come on over here. Let's have a look at you.
* Red: So, what's going on, Grandma?
* Wolf: Oh, this and that. Doing a lot of quilting. So, you got the loot?
* Red: Whoa, what big hands you have.
* Wolf: Oh! All the better to scratch my back with. [does so]
* Red: And what big ears you have!
* Wolf: All the better to hear your... many criticisms! Old people just have big ears, dear.
* Red: And Granny, what big eyes you have!
* Wolf: [losing his temper] Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?! You came here for a reason, didn't ya? So tell ole Granny what you've got in the basket!
* Red: Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!
* Wolf: [takes the mask off; normal voice] All right!
* Red: [screams, taking a step back] You again?! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?!
* Wolf: Settle down, little girl, I'm on to you!
* Red: HI-YAH!
* Wolf: Save it, Red fu! You've been dodging me all day, but now you might as well give up.
* [Red runs away, then Wolf guards the door]
* Red: Hyaaah! You crazy wolf! What have you done with Granny?!
* Wolf: [grabs Red] I've taken Granny down, and you're next!
* [The closet door opens, and Granny herself, all tied up, hops out.]
* Red: Granny!
* Wolf: But you, that's not... [suddenly, Kirk the Woodsman smashes through the window, making everyone scream.] Whoa! Whoa!
* [It abruptly cuts to black. We see the title. HOODWINKED! As it disappears, we see the police at Granny's cottage. A police car's sirens wail as it drives up to the cottage. The police chief, Ted Grizzly, gets out of the vehicle. He is immediately faced by the paparazzi.]
* Reporter 1: Chief Grizzly, are the suspects inside connected with the Goody Bandit?
*Chief: Yeah, uh... no, no. Don't print that, Maxine. We don't know anything yet.
*Reporter 2: Is the house made of gingerbread, sir?
*Chief: I don't think so.
*Reporter 3: Do bears eat gingerbread?
*Chief: All right, all right, all right! That's enough with the questions. Jerry, come on! Get these people back.
*Jerry: All right, back it up! Let the chief do his job! You, with the feathers, back behind the snake.
*Chief: I just want to go home and hibernate. Bill!
*Bill: [startled] Chief!
*Chief: All right, uh, what do we got?
*Bill: Ah, it's a domestic disturbance: breaking and entering, wielding an ax without a license, intent to eat...
*Chief: I get the picture. Any connection with the recipe robberies?
*Bill: You mean the Goody Bandit? Could be. The house belongs to Granny Puckett.
*Chief: The cookbook lady?
*Bill: Yeah, that's the one.
*[they both go inside]
*Bill: Okay, Paul Bunyan here was swinging the ax, and Wolfie was trying to eat lil' bit.
*Chief: All right, get a muzzle on that guy.
*Wolf: Hey, I can explain everything.
*Chief: Well, you can explain it to the judge! [To Red] Shouldn't you be in school?
*Red: Shouldn't I have a lawyer?
*Chief: Wha-what are you doing?
*Tommy: Oh, uh, hey, Chief. We was just, uh...
*Timmy: We were just smelling it, we was..
*Chief: Don't eat that! That's evidence!
*Glen: Right.
*[Wolf gets a muzzle put on him.]
*Chief: All right, so this looks pretty open-and-shut: Little Miss Rosycakes making covert deliveries to the goody tycoon, Wolfie tries to eat 'em both, then Crazy Flannel Pants with the ax here busts in swinging vigilante-style. Take 'em downtown, boys!
*Bill: Uh, it's the woods, Chief. We don't have a downtown.
*Chief: You know what I mean! Just book 'em!
*Nicky: Not so fast, Grizzly. [The silhouette of a frog appears, then he steps into the house.] That's the problem with you bears: always growling up the wrong tree.
*Tommy: Hey, Nicky!
*Bill: You on the case, Nick?
*Nicky: No, just stopping by to have a sarsaparilla. Say, Tommy, you lose some weight?
*Tommy: Uh, no. Didn't think so.
*Chief: Nicky Flippers? What are you doing here? This is my case!
*Nicky: Well! Someone hibernated on the wrong side of the cave. I saw the lights. Thought the circus was in town. Now of course, I see I was right.
*Chief: Well you're too late, Nicky, I got this case all wrapped up.
*Nicky: Is that right?
*Chief: Yeah.
*Red: They got us all wrong, Mr. Flippers.
*Nicky: Oh, I don't know. You look pretty dangerous to me. What's your name?
*Red: Red.
*Nicky: And why do you call that?
*Red: Why do they call you "Flippers"?
*[Nicky gets a flashback of him at a disco party, cutting a rig on the dance floor, as a crowd chants "Go Flippers!". Cuts back to reality.]
*Nicky: Uh, no reason.
*Red: They call me Red because of this red hood I wear.
*Nicky: What about when you're not wearing it?
*Red: [beat] I usually wear it.
*Chief: Recipes have been coming up missing all over the forest. Goody shops have been going out of business for months, and the trail ends here. I got a case to close.
*Nicky: Slow down, Chief. We've got four suspects, and that means four stories, and if you get people talking long enough, someone will spill the beans.
*Tommy: [oink] Beans?!
*Wolf: [muffled] Look, could I just make a phone call?
*[Wolf cries out as he gets zapped.]
*Red: I'll tell you what happened.
*[Flash transition to Red being interviewed. She is in handcuffs.]
*Nicky: What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists could slip right out. How about a cage?
*Bill: [speaks into his walkie-talkie, eager] Bring in the cage!
*Nicky: I was being sarcastic.
*Bill: [disappointed] Sarcasm. Strike the cage... [a crowd is heard groaning dejectedly]
*Chief: Well all right. Get the cuffs off her.
*[Nicky's pet dog sharpens a pencil.]
*Nicky: So, Red, why don't you explain how this all began?
*Red: Well, like any other day: I was making deliveries for my Granny's goody shop.
*[camera zooms in the book, then the music begins, riding a bike]
*Red: [singing] Here's a story I hope you'll like. It's the one about the girl riding on her bike. I know....
*Kid: Hi, Red!
*Red: [singing] It's a tired old tale, but it still rings true.
*Man: Hey, Red.
*Red: [continues singing] She could never be rude or unkind, but a sad song played at the back of her mind. Oh-oh. Can someone show me a different day to take me away?
*All: [singing] Take me out of the woods. Great big world. You know what I'm wanting for you. Whoo. You know what I'm wanting for you. What I'm wanting for you. Wanting for you. Oh...
*[A bunny (named Boingo) wearing a hat watches Red ride by. He hops up to her.]
*Boingo: Hey, Red! Oh! Nice outfit. Always red with you. You must be in autumn.
*Red: Hey, Boingo. Aren't you helping the Muffin Man today?
*Boingo: Oh, he closed up shop. Someone took all his recipes last night, and now I'm out of a job.
*Red: Oh, gee, Boingo, I'm really sorry. Are you still running the cable car?
*Boingo: Yeah, yeah, I am. But it's nothing like making goodies all day.
*Red: [to Boingo] Would a carrot crumpet make you feel better? [takes a carrot crumpet to Boingo]
*Boingo: Oh, boy, oh, boy! Thanks, Red. I can always count on you to deliver, you little rascally... devil.
*Red: Yeah, well, the woods don't go around by themselves.
*[Boingo gets out of the bike, hopping away, then hammering a sign, saying, "Out Of Business", then closing the door]
*Animal: Shut it down. [flips a sign, saying, "Sorry, We're Closed Permanently!!!"]
*[the boy puts up a sign with a red X on it, then flipping the sign, saying, "Closed For Good!!", then closing the door, saying, "Recipes Stolen!", then Red stops, then animals all walk down]
*Woman: Come on, let's go.
*Boy: Where are we going now, mama?
*Red (Narrating): With the goody bandit on the loose, recipes were becoming an endangered species. I decided to call Granny. If anyone would know what to do, she would.
*Granny: [calling on the phone] I don't know what to do. I'm just a tired old lady.
*Red: [calling on the phone] Your recipes are the most famous in the whole forest, Granny. What if they get swiped? It could wipe you out. Maybe I should bring you the recipe book, just for safekeeping.
*Granny: A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
*Red: I'm not so little anymore!
*Granny: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there, and everything will be fine.
*Red: But...
*Granny: I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [puts the phone back]
*[Later, Red is in a tree house high on a redwood reading a world magazine]
*Woodpecker (Looks more like a quill): What you reading, Red? "Far Away Places"? Are you going somewhere far away?
*Red: No. (Sarcastic) The world is [throws magazine away] too dangerous for me.
*[Red watches as the magazine falls onto the windshield of a duck's car.]
*Duck: AAHH! Can't see! Danger! Turn into the skid!
*[A crash is heard, and one of the trees in the background shakes. Red winces at the camera.]
*Duck: I'm okay. I'll walk it off.
*Woodpecker: You can't go away. Who's gonna ride the goody bike?
*Red: If i had wings like you, I'd fly all the way past that mountain, and the next one and the next one, but I can't. I'm just a kid.
*Woodpecker: I'm just a woodpecker. [hears a glass breaking in a distance] Uh-oh.
*[Red gets down from a tree, running to the door, looking the broken glass, opening the door, then picking up a rock, saying, "You're Next!"]
*Woodpecker: "You're next"? What, what does it mean, "You're next"?
*[Red witnesses a duck closing his goodie shop. He is hammering a sign that says "Out O' Business".]
*Duck: [sad] Ruined. [groans]
*Red: It means someone wants our recipes. [looks at a picture of Granny, then opening a door, grabbing a book, saying, "Recipes"]
*Quill: Are they gonna get your recipes?
*Red: Not today. [puts the carrot cupcakes in a basket to cover the book]
*Nicky: [gets a sandwich] So, you deliberately took your Granny's recipes from the family vault, without permission.
*Red: Help yourself.
*Nicky: And then you set out on a dangerous journey up the mountain... [eats the sandwich's olive] alone?
*Red: Yeah. I guess I did.
*[Red rides her bike through the woods, then we see her riding a cable car with Boingo.]
*Boingo: I guess running the cable car's not so bad, you know, it's a great way to see the forest without worrying about all those big, mean, hairy beasts out there.
*Red: Beasts?
*Boingo: Oh, yeah, you know, beasts. The wolves, and the bobcats, and the mountain lions, and the... saber-tooth tigers! But mostly wolves. Mostly wolves. The forest can be a dangerous place for a little guy like me. Look at me, I'm fuzzy and... Hey, you deliver up this far?
*Red: Well, not usually. But I was thinking about what you told me earlier. About the Muffin Man? I need to protect Granny's recipes from that bandit's evil plan. They're gonna shut down everyone in the forest if we're not careful.
*[Suddenly, the doors open. Red cries out in fear as she starts to lose her balance.]
*Boingo: No!
*[Red screams as she falls out of the cable car, along with her basket. Boingo has a face of anger rather than concern. She bounces off some branches bouncing on leaves, then lands on the ground. Her basket lands on a tree's brancen the basket slides down to Red, getting up, grabbing a basket, revealing a wolf track, seeing angry eyes, then Twitchy appears, taking a picture, gasping]
*Wolf: Afternoon.
*Red: [nervously] Hello.
*Wolf: So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That was quite a bit of falling you did just now.
*Red: Oh, you saw that.
*Wolf: Yeah, gravity's working. Those old cable cars on the... You should write a letter. Wow, something smells good. Those, uh, goodies in there?
*Red: I'm not supposed to talk to strangers.
*Wolf: No, you shouldn't. Good call. What are you doing way out here in the big, bad forest? You taking the goodies to someone in particular?
*Red: Ummm... my Granny.
*Wolf: Granny? Granny Puckett? The goody lady? My goodness, she makes some good, goodies. She's got a thing, it's like a... It's like a, uh, cookies. Shortbread, chocolate icing between, very... It's good. Ah, it's very good. You make deliveries to your Granny often?
*Red: I don't think I should tell you that.
*Wolf: Oh. You don't have anything else in that basket?
*Red: You ask a lot of questions, mister.
*Wolf: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
*Red: I'd rather you didn't.
*[Wolf roars at Red, screaming, running away]
*Wolf: Red?! Red Riding Hood?!
*[Red continues running away, then Wolf appears]
*Wolf: Hand over the basket!
*[Red sprays at the Wolf, putting his hand out, screaming, then Red walks up, then the hummingbirds from earlier fly at Red, and she gets an idea]
*Wolf: Red!
*[the birds fly with the red hood, looking at Wolf trying to grab the red hood, then falling in the river.]
*Wolf: You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little Granny too!
*[the birds fly back with the coat]
*Chief: Yep, that settles it. We've got our bandit.
*Nicky: Ah, could be. I'd like to count my chickens after they hatch.
*Glen: Chickens?
*Red: You've gotta admit, a wolf? Stopping kids in the middle of the forest? That's pretty creepy!
*Nicky: Hmm, yes, right. But we don't arrest people for being creepy.
*Timmy: [on radio] Yeah, Bruce. You know that guy we got in the tank?
*Bruce: Uh, the creepy one?
*Timmy: Yeah, better let him go.
*Nicky: So, you went on to Granny's?
*Red (Narrating): I found an old trail up the north side of the mountain.
*Red: [walks outside] Hello! [runs to Japeth, singing, looking at a sign, saying, "Pecos Mining Co. Outpost 23"] Hello.
*[Japeth doesn't hear Red and continues yodeling]
*Red: I'm looking for... Granny Puckett's house?
*Japeth: [singing] Gra-aaa-nny Puckett...
*Red: [to Japeth] Could you stop singing for one moment?
*Japeth: [continues singing] No I can't, I wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing everything I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...
*Red: Everything?
*Japeth: [speaking] That's right.
*Red: You just talked! Just now!
*Japeth: Oh, did I? [singing] Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...
*[Red gives an exasperated glare to the camera.]
*Red: [spins the dial, calling] Granny?
*Granny: What's that? Who's there?
*Red: It's Red. I'm on my way to come see...
*Granny: Oh, my dearie, I-I'm not prepared. I need to put down fresh doilies. [screaming]
*Red: Granny! Granny! What's wrong?
*Granny: Gotta go, munchkin. BANZAAAAAIIIII!
*Red: Oh, no. [puts phone away] Mr. Goat, my Granny's in trouble! I've gotta find a way around the mountain, fast!
*Japeth: [singing] Well you came to the right goat! [takes the horns out]
*Red: Oh, good. More singing.
*Japeth: [singing] 37 years ago, a witch done put a spell on me.
*Red: Yeah, I know.
*Japeth: A spell where when I'm talkin'. I'm singin' it with glee. But when you're always singin', you've got to live alone. That's why I made this mountain shake my home.
*Red: That's great. Can you just...
*Japeth: [continues singing] When you're on the mountain, there's lots to be a-feared. That's why this here old mountain goat's prepared. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
*Red: These tunnels? I need one that leads to Puckett Grove.
*[Japeth continues singing, spinning around]
*Red: Oh...
*Japeth: [continues singing, spinning around, then landing and showcasing his horns] But I got horns that open bottles, and I got horns that hold my keys. I got horns that when you turn 'em right, they help me watch TV. I got horns that open pickle jars, and horns that come with hair. I got horns that hang my other horns. I always come prepared.
*Red: Can you just help me find...
*Japeth: [continues singing] To be prepared! To be prepared, this lesson must be shared. This lesson must be shared, to be prepared! To be prepared, to be prepared, and unless you've got a spare, you’ve got one life, so handle it with care.
*[they both land on a cart]
*Japeth: Keep your hands and feet inside of the vehicle at all times! [continues singing]
*[they both down faster, screaming, laughing, then Japeth continues singing while riding, then the snow appears by avalanche]
*Japeth: [continues singing] An avalanche is comin', and I do not feel prepared. It's rumbling like a mountain lion, I must say that I'm scared. And if not for the witch's spell, you'd hear just how I scream, but since I'm only singin'. I'll just yodel till we're creamed. [continues yodeling, then riding in a tunnel, screaming, then flying up, screaming]
*Granny: Red!
*Red: [looks at Granny, flying] Granny?
*Granny: Used the hood, Red! Use the hooooood! [disappears in clouds]
*Red: [unties the hood, then the cart breaks, then flying by holding a basket, hearing Japeth flying like a helicopter] What?!
*Japeth: [sung] I was prepared! [flies away, chucling]
*Red: [smiling, then later walks inside the house] Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
*Wolf: Oh! Oh, yeah, sure thing.
*Nicky: So, this wolf, he was dressed as your grandmother?
*Red: Yes.
*Wolf: I'm your Grandma.
*Nicky: And you bought that?
*Red: No, not really. Whoa, what big hands you have. And what big ears you have! What bad breath you have! What big eyes you have!
*Wolf: Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?!
*Nicky: Yes, yes, so, then the fellow with the ax burst in?
*[Kirk appears]
*[Kirk swings the ax wildly, then they all scream accordingly]
*Chief: Wow!
*Bill: Hmm.
*Nicky: Oh. So, that was it?
*Red: That wolf was gonna eat us all...
*Chief: The guy's pawprints are all over the room. Book him--
*Nicky: Hold the phone, fuzzy-wuzzy. Let's hear it from the Wolf's mouth.
*[Wolf walks in slow motion past Red]
*Wolf: Don't I get a drink?
*Chief: No!
*Nicky: So! Mr. Wolf, may I call you "Wolf"?
*Wolf: You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.
*Chief: Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at three-to-five in an old show with no windows, so start singin'!
*Nicky: Your face looks familiar.
*Wolf: I get around the forest.
*Nicky: What do you for a living, Mr. Wolf?
*Wolf: I'm a shepherd.
*[Bill pounds on the table, startling Wolf]
*Wolf: Hey!
*Red: You might as well confess. I told them everything!
*Wolf: Could you keep her away from me, please?
*Nicky: I remember you! Three years ago on the Stiltskin case. You were snooping around for a lead on his real name.
*Wolf: I was close, too. I was gonna go with "Greg." Greg Stiltskin.
*Chief: Uh, wait a minute, Flippers! You sayin' this guy's a cop?!
*Nicky: Worse, he’s a reporter.
*Red: A what?!
*Wolf: And I've got the real story.
*[the book flips pages through the forest, then zoom in the house, riding a bike]
*Wolf: I'm an investigative journalist. You've probably read my column "Facts and Fairy Tales."
*[the newspaper appears, saying, "Goodbye Goodies? Sinister Sweet Tooth Bites Forest"]
*Wolf: I spent the last six months undercover investigating the so-called "Goody Bandit." As more recipes go missing, the trail has gotten hotter.
*[We see a few of wolf’s disguises: an Arab gentleman, a baker, and a basketball player, with no one the wiser. We then see him disguised as a health inspector with a fake neck brace (to pretend he burned his neck) inspecting a guy in a tiger suit at a sandwich shop]
*Wolf: And I'm talkin' hot coffee, hot coffee, all over my neck! Very, very painful. You know, people think a health board examiner doesn't lead a dangerous life, but I will tell you, my furry friend, food is dangerous. So that's why Kenny told me to come down here and take a look.
*Sandwich Man: Who?
*Wolf: Your boss, Kenny.
*Sandwich Man: You mean Earl?
*Wolf: That's what Earl said. He said, "Kenny, come down, here," and so, here I am. I'm surprised your dessert counter hasn't been hit, with all thievery going around.
*Sandwich Man: What did you say your name was?
*Wolf: Shaw. Rick Shaw. I'm in from Japan. Well, Kenny, I'm gonna give you a clean bill of health. But I'm gonna need the names of all your supplies.
*Sandwich Man: You'll have to talk to Earl.
*Wolf: Well, that's Earl right now. Probably called the FDA. You keep that thing groomed. And watch out for hot coffee. Painful. [walks away by Sandwich Man] No desserts. Waste of time. [hears a bike bell ringing] 
*Wolf (narrating): The little delivery girl in the red hood. Always on the go. More goodies pass through her hands than anyone's in the whole forest. She seemed happy, a little too happy, perhaps. 
*Wolf: [looks at the bike, bringing Red] Oh, creepy. 
*Wolf (narrating): I was starting to have my suspicions.
*Wolf: (Into a recorder) Question: Who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood?
*[Twitchy falls on the stump of the tree, then screaming]
*Wolf: Twitchy, you scared me.
*Twitchy: Hey, boss, I called. I pinged I beeped you on the beeper. You get my beep?
*Wolf: Twitchy, you gotta calm down.
*Twitchy: I got up early and I got the gear. I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.
*Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
*Twitchy: [pantomiming] She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard, and now she's up the creek, she sings everywhere she goes! She's like lalalalalalalalalala--
*Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead lf ya. We gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?
*Twitchy: I got the 220x and the photograb with the autofocus! Ooh, look at that, come with a 500 millimeter lens. You want the color or black and white?
*Wolf: Doesn't matter.
*Twitchy: I brought a flash! [takes a picture]
*Wolf: Put that away! It's covert. No flash.
*Twitchy: Undercover, got it! Mm-hmm! Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click click, hee hee hee!
*Wolf: [to Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?
*Twitchy: I don't drink coffee!
*Wolf: [Glares at the camera] Hmm... [Later, crawls in a sheep costume in a heard] Excuse me. Pardon me. Pardon.
*Wolf (narrating): I decided to get the word on the street from one of my top informants.
*Wolf: How's it goin', Woolworth?
*Woolworth: Man, what are you doin' here? The shepherd comes by and sees me talkin' to you, I'm gonna get the crook.
*Wolf: Yeah? Well, there's a bigger crook on the loose that I'm concerned about. What do you hear about the Goody Bandit?
*Woolworth: What do I know from goodies? Hiya, Twitchy.
*[Twitchy dresses up a sheep costume, bleating]
*Wolf: I want to know about the little girl in the red hood.
*Woolworth: Don't know a thing, never heard of her.
*[Wolf gives a dollar to Woolworth]
*Woolworth: Little Red, processing... yeah, yeah, it's coming back to me now. Sweet gal. Not like that Bo Peep. That brat put an invisible fence. I tasted my own fillings for a week!
*Wolf: Focus! The girl in the red hood, you get around the mountain. Who does she work for?
*Woolworth: How should I know? I ain't that curious.
*[Wolf gives another dollar to Woolworth]
*Woolworth: It's the family business. Ain't you ever heard of Granny Puckett?
*Wolf: Puckett?
*Woolworth: That's her Grandma.
*Wolf: The Granny Puckett? You pullin' the wool over my eyes?
*Woolworth: (sarcastic) Ha ha. Hilarious. Come up with that yourself? That's funny.
*Wolf: You're lookin' pretty tasty.
*Woolworth: Why you gotta be like that? All I know is that the old lady lives up high in the hills. Not a lot of visitors.
*Wolf: Except the little girl.
*Woolworth: The word in the herd is, she's been known to take the cable car up the mountain. And-
*Wolf: Cable car?
*[the cable car rides up. Wolf and Twitchy follow it on the ground.]
*Wolf: Those sheep made me hungry. After this, we're grabbin' a bite.
*Twitchy: Sounds good. Sounds good.
*Receiver: Baah. Ribbit. Ribbit. [yodeling]
*Caterpillar 1: [the Wolf is using his radar to listen in on Red as she rides up the tram] I don't know what to do. I-I mean.Should I call her? Am I supposed to play it cool or what?
*Caterpillar 2: Well, she's keeping her options open. Seeing other people, probably. You should do the same.
*Caterpillar 1: Shh. Up there. [camera shout changes to show that the Wolf's radar is hanging over two caterpillars conversing on a leaf] Do you mind?
*Wolf: [withdraws, sheepishly] Oh. Sorry.
*[they both continue walking]
*Boingo: Hey, you deliver up this far?
*[hears a static, then Twitchy looks at the cable car]
*Red: .....The Muffin Man.... Granny’s recipes... evil plan... shut down everyone in the forest....
*Wolf: I knew it. She's workin' for the old lady. Twitchy.
*[Red gets out of a cable car, screaming, then taking pictures of Red falling down, then the branch breaks, then they fall down from leaves, then the basket lands]
*Wolf: Ouch.
*[Twitchy tries to get the camera, then Red grabbing a basket, revealing a wolf's track, gasping, then walking back at the sight of the two eyes, and the growling was really the grumbling of Wolf’s stomach, then Twitchy accidentally eating the camera, flying down, then falling down, taking a picture, then the Wolf facepalms and goes up himself , then Red gasps]
*Wolf: Afternoon.
*Red: Hello.
*Wolf: So, you're the little girl in the red hood? That's quite a bit falling you did just now.
*[Twitchy coughs out the camera]
*Wolf: Gravity’s working. What are you doing way out here in the big, bad forest? You taking goodies to someone in particular?
*Red: Ummm... my Granny.
*[Twitchy uses a small can of a hydrogen peroxide solution to clean the individual parts. He sprays a bit of the solution under his armpit like deodorant.]
*Wolf: Oh, you don't have anything else in that bag?
*Red: You ask a lot of questions, mister.
*Wolf: Well, I'm a curious guy. Let me have a look.
*Red: I'd rather you didn't.
*Wolf: [His tail is ensnared by the camera, screaming, then Red screams, running away]
*Wolf: [looks at his tail, embarrassed] I mean, please! Come back here! What are you doing?!
*Twitchy: Sorry! I was just winding! I was just-- you had your tail--
*Wolf: Come on! We're gonna lose her! Red?! [takes pictures of Twitchy by the tail] Red Riding Hood?! We'll never catch her. Taxi! [goes in the taxi, looking at Red] Whoa, that was her. We passed her. Right here's fine.
*[the taxi stops, then getting out]
*Wolf: [Again to the recorder] Suspect is approaching on foot, stolen recipes in basket. I'm about to catch her red-handed.
*[Red runs by Wolf, gasping]
*Wolf: Hand over the basket!
*[Red sprays on the Wolf, putting his hand out again, then Red beating the shit out of the Wolf]
*Nicky: So, you really took a beating, from a little girl?
*Wolf: Hey!
*[cut back to Red beside a picture of herself in a kung fu outfit, saying, "Red Puckett Woodland Karatedo Regional Champion", fighting the Wolf, grabbing a basket, walking away]
*Wolf: Get back here, you little brat!
*[Twitchy runs by holding a bag, panting, then Wolf continues running, with the coat flying down, tripping, getting up, then grabbing a coat and realizing he is in midair like Wile E. Coyote]
*Wolf: Okay. Not cool. [falls in the river, screaming] You can't hold onto those recipes forever! I'll get you and your little granny too!
*Fisherman: Hmm. Well, that's fishy.
*Wolf: What? They're evil! I'll prove it!
*Twitchy: [walks by Wolf, panting, laying down] So, can we eat?
*Wolf: Sure! You hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch.
*Twitchy: Well, what do we do?
*Wolf: We go right to the source. We gotta get to Granny's before the kid does.
*Boingo: Is it a surprise?
*Wolf: Excuse me?
*Boingo: You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. Is it her birthday, or what, what is it? Is there some kind of shindig, 'cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat! [Tugs his ear]
*Wolf: Yeah. Big surprise party. You know how to get there?
*Boingo: Oh, yeah! Yeah! In fact, I know a shortcut.
*Wolf: You hear that? He knows a shortcut?
*Boingo: Over the woods and through the river, no, you don't want to go through the river, you'll get all wet.
*Wolf: You see, Twitchy, you get lemons, you make lemonade.
*[they both go in an underwater river, turning light on]
*Wolf: And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.
*Twitchy: Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!
*Wolf: Well the bright side is, at least I finally dried off.
*[they both fall down]
*Wolf: Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless. Not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter egg... which is very hard to read.
*Twitchy: Oh, we're gonna die in here!
*Wolf: Hey, now, that's what they said at the Alamo!
*[the eyes appear, growling]
*Twitchy: Wha... What was that?! Who's that?!
*[they both scream, then they run away, then they slide down]
*Wolf: [Sarcastic] Hey, look where we are. More cave.
*Twitchy: Hey, whazzi-lookie!
*Wolf: With God as my witness, you will learn to speak. Look! A way out.
*Twitchy: But, but, I was just... Aaah.
*[they both walk to a ladder, looking out]
*Wolf: Follow me. [climbs up, then ducks when a mine cart rolls faster] Hmmm...
*Twitchy: Huh?!
*Wolf: Come on.
*[they both hold on, with the mine cart rolling on a track, then landing in the mine cart, then rolling faster]
*Wolf: Now, this is a shortcut!
*[Red and Japeth fall right behind them]
*Twitchy: What's that? Sounds like an avalanche!
*Wolf: Well Twitchy, that's natural. It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss.
*[the mine cart rolls in a tunnel]
*Twitchy: Hey, lookie-lookie, I found this box of candles! A big box!
*Wolf: Box of candles? Light 'em up!
*[Twitchy lights up a stick of dynamite]
*Wolf: Wow, that's nice and bright. What kind of candles are those?
*Twitchy: [Flips the dynamite, saying, "Dynamite"] Uh, DEE-NA-MEE-TAY. Hmm, must be Italian.
*Wolf: AH! Lose the candle!
*Twitchy: But, but...
*[Wolf tries to get the dynamite]
*Wolf: Got it.
*[the dynamite lights all the dynamites, then they both scream, then throwing the dynamites, then the tracks explode, screaming, then pushing a lever, then the cart stops, then pull back to see how much track was destroyed then Red's cart flies up, Red screaming]
*Wolf: D'You hear something?
*Twitchy: Hmm?
*Wolf: Hmm. Come on, let's get to Granny's. Hello! Paper boy. Publishers. Uh, candygram! [opens the door]
*Twitchy: Huh, whadda we do, boss?
*[walks up the stairs, groans]
*Wolf (narrating): Lucky for me, Granny keeps a lot of her merchandise around the cottage. Disguise was the only way to catch this girl in the act of smuggling.
*Wolf: [high voice] Sweetie-pie. [outtake beeps, cut to take 2] Sugar plum! [take 3] Uh, hug your Granny, little puddin'-pop!
*Twitchy: [bored] Awww...
*Wolf: [takes the mask off; normal voice] Ooh! Boy, that's hot. Okay, change of plans, you can be Granny.
*Twitchy: She's coming! [Chattering Teeth] Wa-dee-dee!
*[Wolf throws Twitchy to Granny, already tied up in the closet, not noticing her, then closing the door]
*Red: Granny? It's me, Red. Is everything okay?
*Wolf: Oh, oh, yeah, sure thing. Come on in.
*Chief: Pretty thin, Wolf! You said the old lady was already tied up! How did that happen?
*Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news, Chief, I don't make it. Red: For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.
* Wolf: What can I say? I was raised by wolves.
* (Cuts to a picture of the Wolf's sepia-toned family portrait, complete with a Ken Burns-esque iris fade onto baby Wolf)
* Chief: You got a way to back this up?
* Twitchy: [appears] I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers! 
* Nicky: That so? Let's have a look... [examines the photos] Hmmm... these are good... Ha... [shows a picture of Wolf mounted in a fish costume] Here's a nice one of you, Wolf. 
* Twitchy: I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a chai tea latte book. 
* Nicky: Photos don't lie, Chief. 
* Wolf: Good work, Twitchy.
* Nicky: Now, I want to know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all of this?
* Bill: Maybe you should "axe" him yourself. Ha-ha-ha! You see? "Axe" him? He was saying, ha-ha-ha, heh, I'll bring him in.
* [Kirk walks in, hitting the wall, then walking in]
* Kirk: [in Scandanavian accent] Hmm. Hello.
* Nicky: My, my. You're a big fellow, aren't you? Shop at the Big & Tall store?
* Kirk: This is a Big & Tall mistake. I would not hurt a butterfly.
*Bill: [puts an ax on the table] Then what's this? A letter opener?!
*Chief: Yeah. That's a funny accent you got there, choppy.
*Kirk: I can do the cowboy accent. [cowboy accent] Howdy, partner!
*Nicky: Indeed you can. Say, before you ride off into the sunset, hop-a-long, you think you could rustle us up some information?
*Kirk: I will do my best.
*Nicky: How about explaining what you were doing out in the forest today?
*Kirk: Oh! I am working to make good my call-back!
*Bill: Your what-what?
*Kirk: "Paul's bunion cream has a soothing formula to make the bunions head for the hills!"
*Chief: This guy's a loon.
*Bill: Watch it, Chief. My mama's half-loon.
*Nicky: Your call-back. You mean, like, for an audition?
*Kirk: Yes! For the bunion cream. I must find my wood-cutting self to book the spot.
*Chief: The what?
*Nicky: The commercial. He's an actor.
*Chief: Ohh, boy.
*[the book pages flip, then zoom into a recording studio, Kirk raising the axe]
*Kirk: Argghh! Paul's bunion cream has the soothing formula...
*Jimmy: Hold it! Hold it! Stop. "Argghh"? Wha-What are you, some kind of German pirate or something?
*Kirk: I just got the script, like, five minutes ago.
*Jimmy: You're not getting it. Let me ask you... What...
*Kirk: My name Kirk.
*Jimmy: Kirk. Okay, Kirk, listen. What makes you feel proud and strong and mighty? What puts a fire in your belly, Steven?
*Kirk: Oh! My dream!
*Jimmy: Yes, yes! Your dream!
*Kirk: To travel the world with the greatest singing group of all time, the Happy Yodelers! [singing] To yodel for the people, to hear the applause, my dream! [throws the axe, crashing, then the light lays down]
*Jimmy: Yeah, so listen. We'll look at your tape and we'll give you a call, okay? Thanks for coming in, have a nice life. Next!
*[Kirk sadly walks out]
*Kirk (narrating): That was my first audition in months. [Red bikes past him] Then it was back to my day job. I drive a schnitzel truck. It's not such a bad job. After all, I bring much joy to the children! 
*Kirk: [singing] Schnitzel!
*Boy: Mommy, mommy! I want a schnitzel stick!
*Girl: Ooh, the schnitzel man!
*[they all yodel, then driving a truck, then throwing to the boy, then they all tackle, grabbing a boy, then ordering a stick]
*Singer: Schnitzel, the favorite treat for little girls and boys to eat. Schnitzel Man can serve them quick. It’s the Schnitzel-On-A-Stick!
*Kirk: No more spoons! Use your hands!
*Singer: There’s the friendly Schnitzel Man!
*Kirk: Make sure you keep an extra one for later in your lederhosen!
*[Then dancing with the kids in line, then throwing sticks up, the stick hits the boy, then the sticks hits the girl, then falling down, then walking up, then looking at a truck with no schnitzels or wheels]
*Kirk: Huh? What the schnitzel?! My schnitzel truck, it's been piddly, piddle-diddly... they stole everything!
*[they all groan]
*Boingo: Oh, that's too bad. It's not easy being in the goody business these days, huh?
*Kirk: I'm getting schnitzeled left and right today. I cannot even sell the bunion cream. No, I'm gonna lose my job!
*Boingo: Chin up, mister! Maybe someday, somebody will open up a great big goody shop and we can all work for that... little guy.
*Kirk: Oh, yeah. What? [looks at a phone, ringing] Hello?
*Jimmy: Kirk! Yeah, baby, listen. We got the client here, we looked at your tape, and we think we might have a real “Hercules Goes Bananas" angle on this thing. So we want you to come back in.
*Kirk: (shocked) Come back in?
*Jimmy: It's a call-back.
*Kirk (narrating): [Bathed in heavenly light]I had always heard about call-backs, but I had never gotten one! 
*Kirk: A call-back? Ahh! What do I do?!
*Jimmy: You come back tomorrow, you do the same thing you did today, only this time you do it good. Can you handle that?
*Kirk: I will. I can do it!
*Jimmy: Okay. Now, I want you to go out into the wild and I want you to find that-that tree-chopping side of yourself. You find your inner woodsman, Kurtis. Don't act like a woodsman, be a woodsman. Got it?
*Kirk: Yes, I can!
*Jimmy: Find an aex, start swingin', okay? I've gotta be in a circle wipe across town, but I'll see you at 10:00, all right?
*Kirk: [puts the phone away] I have to go and find the little woodsman in me!
*Boingo: Okay. Well, tell him I said hello.
*Kirk: [taps the tree with the axe, then touching with a sharp, then pulling the tree, looking at “Chopping for Actors", then cutting the trees properly] Oh. Goodbye! [cuts the branch, destroying a car] Sorry, little birds!
*[the branch falls down by the turtles]
*Turtle: RUN!
*[the turtles walk slowly with strained necks]
*Kirk: I have done it! I have found the little woodsman inside of me!
*[the branch falls down, then looking at a huge tree]
*Kirk: Yes... Paul’s... bunion... cream... has the soothing formula... to make your bunions... head for the hills! HAAAHAA! Right! [Later, chops slowly at the tree, but almost fully leveled it] Bunion cream... has the soothing.. formula... [hears Red screaming] Hello?
*[the tree breaks, then tipping closer to Kirk]
*Kirk: Oh no! OOOH SCHNITZEL!
*[the branch rolls to Kirk, running away, then walking on the branch, rolling down, screaming]
*Wolf: I've taken Granny down, and you're next!
*Red: Granny!
*[the branch hits the trees, the Kirk flies in, breaking the glass, then they all scream, flailing the ax]
*Nicky: [walking by a picture] So, you didn't jump through the window. You were pushed...
*Kirk: Yes.
*Nicky: ...by a tree..
*Kirk: Yes.
*Nicky: ...because you were pretending to be a woodsman...
*Kirk: Uh, that's right!
*Nicky: ...to sell foot cream.
*Kirk: I got the call-back!
*Nicky: And, good for you. Well, I think it's safe to say that our thespian friend here knows the least about anything of anyone in this room.
*Kirk: Exactly! What does that mean?
*Chief: That it all points to Granny.
*[Granny walks in, then sitting down]
*Nicky: What about it, Granny? Maybe you're not sweet little goody-maker everyone thinks you are. Are you stealing recipes to protect your sugar-coated kingdom?
*Granny: Oh no, Mr. Flippers. The only crime I've ever committed is making my goodies unlawfully delicious!
*[zooms into Tommy, holding a goodie, holding a box, saying, "Granny Puckett's Goodies Unawfully Delicious!"]
*Red: My Granny doesn't keep secrets. And even if she did, she'd tell me about it. We tell each other everything. Right, Granny?
*Granny: Sure, dear. Mostly.
*Red: Mostly?
*Nicky: What are you hiding, old girl?
*Granny: My family worries too much. I-I didn't want them to find out.
*Nicky: Find out what?
*Red: Yeah. What?
*Bill: [walks in] Hey Chief! Check this out!
*[they all look at awards in the closet, gasping]
*Glen: When did they make that a sport?
*Nicky: I noticed you have three G's tattooed on the back of your neck. That's appropriate, since there are three strikes against you.
*Granny: It's true. I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the extreme!
*Rapper: Here come the G! Here come the real G! She don’t need bling-bling; she gotta set away, from all the fame and the pain that she brings. Neck and neck, you know she gets respect. She’s like a special effect with every record she wrecks. You think you see Aunt Bea, but you get Mr T. Underneath the beehive is the new Bruce Lee. I count to three before you send up all the 4.3 with the money for nothing and a tricks-for-free. 75, alive, in a hardcore fillet, still make half-pipe heads look pretty. In the woody with the goodies for the Jacks and Jills. More power to the granny with the skills.
*[the book pages flip, then zoom into a mountain, with a helicopter flying, then jumping out, then snowboarding the mountain, then falling down, drinking soda, then climbing on a rock, then skateboarding, then surfing]
*Granny: [calling on the phone] A trip up the mountain is too dangerous for a little girl.
*Red: I'm not so little anymore!
*Granny: Please, dear, you just keep the recipes there, and everything will be fine.
*Red: Wait...
*Granny: I have to go now. My program's on. Kisses. [puts the phone down] Time to shred some powder! [skis down]
*Granny (narrating): I didn't have time for Red to visit today. I was on my way to big Xtreme Dream Snowsports Competition. I've been training three months for this one.
*[An animal band plays for the crowd. Granny meets up with her team]
*P-Biggie: Triple G, what's up, baby?
*2-Tone: Granny, what's happenin'?
*Granny: What up, my homies? You ready to get spanked?
*P-Biggie: Yes. So what's the dizzo, grizzo? You ready to floss that hill, playa?
*Granny: Fo' shizzle!
*P-Biggie: Yeah, give me some love, gimmie some love.
*Zorra: Hey, G, you checkin' the hard-core European team over there? Those guys put the saber-tooth brothers in the hospital yesterday! On the real, it's gonna be wicked out there!
*Granny: You let me worry about those player-haters. Oh, I almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.
*2-Tone: Yo!
*P-Biggie: Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!
*2-Tone: Gimme one of those!
*Zorra: Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.
*2-Tone: Snickadeedoo!
*[they continue playing the band, singing, then the crowd all dance. Granny sees Boingo]
*Granny: Well, what's your name?
*Boingo: Umm... just put, "To my biggest and cutest fan, Boingo." And then, like, some X's and O's and a little smiley-face.
*Klaxon: All contestants to the startin' line!
*[they all ski to the starting line, then putting goggles on, grabbing skis, then eating a goodie, then they chuckle, then stretching the hat, stretching a glove, growling, then chomping a teeth, then Granny puts goggles on]
*Man: Oh, yeah.
*Dolph: [slides next to Granny, for the Austrain accent] You be careful, Granny Puckett! Old ladies get hurt on these slopes!
*Granny: Bring it, honey.
*[the Klaxon blars, then they all start, Dolph stabs Granny’s right ski, unbuckling, with one ski sliding down, then sliding on one ski]
*P-Biggie: Yo, Granny!
*[they both ski, then fighting with Zorra]
*Zorra: I know you did not just swing your pole at me!
*Dolph: You're little! You're small!
*Zorra: Yeah? Well, take that, yo!
*Dolph: [attacks Zorra, rolling down] Yeah! Ha-ha-ha!
*Woman: Watch that skier!
*[the woman spins 2-Tone around on a ski]
*2-Tone: Whoah! Look out!
*P-Biggie: You want it like that, huh? You wanna play, now? Get some of this! [pushes Dolph, then they attack P-Biggie]
*[Granny continues sliding down on one ski, then throwing snowballs at the duck, then they continue throwing snowballs]
*Granny (narrating): That must have been right about when Red called me the second time. I always forward my phone when I leave the house.
*Red: Granny?
*Granny: What's that? Who's there?
*Dolph: Look out for Mr. Muscleman!
*[the woman jumps over the man, then attacking P-Biggie, sliding down]
*Granny: [gasping] Gotta go, munchkin. [puts goggles back on] BANZAAAAAIIIII!! [puts the feet on the ski, like a snowboard, sliding down, spinning around, then they all slide down, then throwing snowballs in slow motion, then throwing at the man and woman, then throwing snowballs at the woman and man, and Dolph, then throwing snowballs at the branch, attacking the snowboard in slow motion, then throwing at the branch, then sliding on a log, then attacking Dolph]
*Dolph: Maw! Yeahh! [grabs Granny, then they spin around] Oh, you're not so bad, yeah!
*[they continue spinning around, then laying down]
*Granny: [to Dolph] Who do you work for?!
*Dolph: I. Can't. Tell you that!
*Granny: Young man, you tell me this instant!
*Dolph: All right! [sniffles] We were hired by the bandit!
*Granny: Who is the bandit?!
*Dolph: [lets Granny go, pushing her, screaming, holding on the branch] Granny is finished. Now we go after the little red-hooded girl.
*Granny: [upon overhearing the conversation] Red! [pulls out a bungee cord, then wrapping around the branch, then falling down, then buckling by the shoe, then stretching down by the fisherman] 'Afternoon. [bungees up to the mountain, unbuckling by the shoe, then sliding down, looking at the ski team sliding down] Oh, applesauce. [takes bombs out, throwing down, then sliding down, then the rock explodes, sliding down by an avalanche, then jumping off, then she continues sliding down]
*Japeth: [singing] An avalanche is comin' and I do not feel prepared.
*Wolf: It's just Old Man Mountain showing us who's boss.
*Granny: Whoo-ha-ha! Ohhhh!!!
*[the avalanche attacks the ski team, then sliding to the finish line, grabbing a golden trophy, taking a picture of the newspaper, saying, "Granny Wins By A Landslide!", then the avalanche attacks the awards, then she continues sliding down]
*Granny: I wish I had a video camera! [flies up, opening a parachute, saying, "Granny Puckett's Goodies", flying through clouds in the sky, looking at Red and Japeth] Red!
*[Red looks at Granny, flying]
*Red: Granny?
*Granny: Use the hood, Red! Use the hoooood!!!! [disappears in the clouds]
*[Red unties the coat, then flying up, holding a basket]
*Granny: Ah, that's my girl. [continues flying down, looking at Wolf and Twitchy, going inside the house] I guess it's just one of those days. [flies in the chimney, going in the house, then parachute spins Granny around in a fan] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Ohh! [falling down while being tied up, then closing the door]
*Twitchy: What do we do, boss?
*Wolf: Sweetie pie, sugar plum! Boy, that's hot. Okay. Change of plans you can be Granny.
*[The knocking again]
*Twitchy: She's coming!
*[opens the door, then Twitchy flies to Granny, being tied up, closing the door]
*Twitchy: Hee-hee! Hee-hee! Hi. [shakes around Granny]
*Red: Granny, it's me, Red! Is everything okay?
*Wolf: [as Granny] Sure thing. Come on in.
*Granny (narrating): Eventually I was able to use the squirrel to break down the door.
*Twitchy: Ow that hurts.
*[opens the door, Granny gets out, being tied up]
*Wolf: I'm takin' Granny down, and you're next!
*Granny: I could have handled that old wolf myself. But then the craziest thing happened.
*[Kirk appears, breaking a glass, then they all scream]
*Granny: Honey, don't look at your Granny like that.
*Red: I'm sorry, I thought you were "Triple G!" Or are you the bandit?
*Bill: [stunned silence] Awkward! [awkwardly side slips his way out of the room]
*Granny: You're bein' ridiculous, Red.
*Red: I'm being ridiculous? You're off living... "La Vida Loca", risking your life for some dumb thrills, and I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?!
*Glen: I, uh, have a...
*Nicky: Coffee break, anyone?
*Chief: Uh, yeah. [everyone leave, except for Red and Granny]
*Jerry: Who's got my keys? You think Granny would mind if I went through her garbage?
*Chief: 'Scuse us.
*Granny: I thought you were happy.
*Red: Open your eyes. I've never been outside the forest. Don't you think I want more than that?
*Granny: Of course you do. You're a Puckett.
*Red: [sighs] I don't know what that means anymore.
*[Red takes off her hood, drops Granny picks up a red coat, then the croad chatter]
*Man: Hey, look! It's Little Red!
*Woman: No, it's just some kid. She's not wearing the red hood. [a polar bear wearing a red jacket walks past] There she goes!
*[they all clamor, then Red continues walking away, looking at a crescent moon, then she continues walking away, then looking at a reflection, then the flower closes up, then they all close up, then walking down, then sitting down, then looking at a waterfall by the crescent moon, then flashback]
*Red: How do you remember all these recipes?
*Granny: They're all right here in this book. Every recipe in here comes from the Puckett family, generation after generation. See? Now, there's Sylvia Puckett at the North Pole. She found the best hot chocolate in the world there. And there's Emma Puckett. She flew cheesecakes across the Atlantic. Oh, for long as critters have had a sweet tooth, Pucketts have been making and collecting recipes all over the world, refining 'em, giving 'em that special Puckett touch. So, you see, Red, when you put that hood on, you carry on a grand tradition. It's a big job, makin' sure the world stays sweet.
*Red: [opens the drawer, then grabbing an award] Huh? What's this?
*Granny: Oh, it says, "World's Greatest Grandma."
*Red: Grandma, I can read. It says, "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators."
*[shows pictures of Granny fighting in a cage]
*Red: Granny?
*Granny: [nervous chuckle] Listen, munchkin, if there are two things your Granny doesn't do, it's lie and play extreme sports.
*[Red continues looking at a waterfall, walking away by the waterfall, looking at the police cars]
*Jerry: Is it a flush that beats a full house, or...
*Timmy: No, that's a full house.
*Jerry: Oh, it's not my turn?
*Timmy: Believe me, I know about houses. I built mine out of straw. I'm not an idiot.
*Chief: Am I gonna get to put the cuffs on someone, or what?!
*Nicky: Remember Ted, pieces of a puzzle make funny shapes, but they still fit together in the end.
*Chief: Boy, you're just full of those, aren't you?
*Nicky: I think we are closer to the bandit then we've ever been before, Chief. The clues to find him are right here in this room.
*Chief: Here in this room? That's what I've been sayin' all night! Are you tellin' me we're back to square one?! Hold on, Smokey. Where's the fire?
*Radio: Timmy, it's Tommy. Are you there? Over.
*[Glen continues snoring]
*Radio: If you don't have your walkie, don't talk to me, but if you got your walkie, let's talk. Over.
*Chief: I'm takin' 'em all in! It's what I do, that's why I'm police chief.
*Radio: Timmy, it's Tommy. Pick up. If you're there, pick up the walkie. What are you doing this weekend? Over.
*Bill: We got this place locked down, all secured.
*[“she" continues walking down, holding a basket]
*Nicky: It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.
*[the dog continues typing]
*Nicky: Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so that we could get to the real truth.
*Wolf: The goody bandit.
*Nicky: That's right. The bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger-pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the bandit.
*Kirk: Not my finger!
*Nicky: Oh-no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.
*Kirk: I... I...
*Nicky: Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
*Kirk: But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?!
*Nicky: That's right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right, Granny?!
*Granny: Now, hold on a pea-pickin' minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
*Nicky: A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
*Chief: And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Huh?
*Nicky: Or she could just be another victim, of a hungry wolf!
*Wolf: The wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
*Nicky: Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
*Chief: Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
*Wolf: You got me. I'm a poodle. Just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
*Chief: Is this all just a big joke to you?!
*Wolf: I just followed the little girl here.
*Granny: You leave my granddaughter alone!
*Nicky: Yes, now we get to little red, the girl with the basket on the run. Where is she, anyway?
*Glen: I was just...
*Chief: Ohh! The recipes are GONE!!!
*[Red continues walking down, then the cable car appears by Dolph]
*Bill: Are you saying that little Red is the bandit?
*Granny: Not my Red!
*Nicky: Calm down there, Triple G. The only thing your granddaughter is guilty of is flying a swarm of hummingbirds without a license. It would seem there is another player in this game, someone who's hippity-hopped his way through all of your stories.
*[Boingo appears, hearing thunder, then Red looks at Boingo and Dolph]
*Nicky: Yes, there's someone else. The only one was with Red when she fell...
*[Boingo had pulled the emergency switch making Red fall)
*Nicky: ...who knew a shortcut to Granny's...
*Boingo: Oh, yeah. In fact, I know a shortcut. [It was really a wild goose chase]
*Nicky: ...who fraternizes with evil ski teams...
*[He gave money to Lisa, and his evil plan was on the back of the clipboard]
*Granny: What's your name?
*Boingo: Just put "To my biggest and cutest fan..."
*Nicky: ...and who was there when the schnitzel truck was schnitzeled.
*[Boingo side glances the camera]
*Kirk: What the schnitzel?!
*Granny: Not the bunny!
*Wolf: I knew it. Never trust a bunny.
*Twitchy: Never trust a bunny!
*Jerry: Ah, Chief. No one's seen the bunny or the girl, and that cable car just left the station.
*Nicky: I think we need an ABP out on something small and fuzzy.
*Chief: Yeah, I think you're right.
*Nicky: Get your boys down to Red's place. We need to head off that cable car. And bring in a police sketch artist. No, make it a cartoonist.
*Chief: We gotta hurry to beat it down the mountain. Bill, everyone get in the cars. Tommy, you can bring that evidence with you. Let's go!
*Bill: You heard the Chief, let's move it!
*[they all walk down]
*Chief: Not in the same car! Get a different car! Who's got my key? Shotgun!
*[they all drive down]
*Wolf: So, did you get any shots of the bunny?
*Twitchy: Why am I gonna take a picture of...
*Wolf: I told you to take pictures of everything! Ohh! We gotta get this to print before it's all over the forest!
*Granny: Something don't sit right in my bones about this. What's that?
*Wolf: Maybe it's your bones.
*Kirk: I smell schnitzel.
*[they hear a Bravarian music playing]
*Kirk: What have they done to my schnitzel truck?!
*[Vincent and Lisa drive the truck]
*Wolf: Why are they goin' up?
*Granny: There's on old cable car station at the top of the mountain. We've got to follow them, boys. Red's up there, I know it!
*Wolf: Twitchy, get down the mountain. You gotta stop those cops. Run 'em off the road, dangle a donut in front of 'em, I don't care, just tell 'em they're going the wrong way.
*Twitchy: Eezie-peezie, boss! Leave it to me!
*Granny: You'll never catch 'em in time.
*Walter: Is that coffee? I can't believe I'm sayin' this, but... drink up.
*[Twitchy drinks coffee]
*Wolf: We may want... to stand back.
*Twitchy: [finishes drinking, sniffing, smacking lips, then the bells ring, then the horns toot, then flipping around] YEE-HOO-HOO-HOO!!! WA-HOOOOO!!! CAFFEINE!!! YEAH, BABY!!! WHOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!
*Wolf: Go get 'em, boy.
*[the cup spins to Wolf, then bouncing on tree to tree, running away]
*Wolf: What... have I done?
*Granny: Now the rest is up to us!
*Kirk: [sniffs] Can I have coffee?
*[the cable car rides in, hearing electronic noises, then the doors open]
*Dolph: I don't like it. The cops are all over the place.
*Boingo: Forget about the cops! We've got everything we need right here.
*Dolph: What about the old lady? If she's alive, she'll be back.
*Boingo: You just don't get it, do you, Dolph? I'm done! I'm done dancing for the man! The Muffin Man, and Granny! They can both take a hike! I'm never gonna answer to anyone, EVER AGAIN!!! [starts crying, then maniacally laughing, then crying again] Oh! I just love my job! You see how it works, Dolph? You prioritize, you set your goals, you write a mission statement. You ask yourself, "Where do I see me in five years?"
*Red: How about behind bars?
*Boingo: Red! Oh, ha-ha! Hi, Red! What are you... You've spoiled the surprise.
*Red: You're the bandit!
*Boingo: Surprise!
*Red: I'm walkin' out of here with those recipes.
*Boingo: Really?
*Red: Yeah. You're a bad bunny.
*Boingo: Oh, somebody's finally catchin' up! Did you think I followed you around on your little deliveries because I liked you?
*[Red fights Boingo, fighting the ears, then she continues fighting]
*Boingo: Oh, you best be fearin' the ear, baby. [follows the ear]
*[Red continues fighting Boingo, then fighting around]
*Boingo: That all you got? [twists Red, spinning around] Ha!!! You hit like a girl!
*[Red continues fighting Boingo]
*Boingo: Come on. [spins around] And ka-blam! [kicks Red in slow motion, sniffling] Why don't you go home and cry to your Granny? Dolph, tie up the brat. Lesa, hold the book. Vincent, get the truck. And Keith...darn it, change your name! Please. That's not scary, and I'm embarrassed to say it. "Boris", try that.
*[Keith walks away]
*Boingo: "Keith." Y'know, "Oh, watch out for Keith."
*Red: You're crazy!
*Boingo: Maybe so. But I'm top o' the woods now, baby! [singing] When you're hoppin' on down the bunny trail, the critters all seem to look down. You're fuzzy and small, your ears are too tall. And goodies make the woods go round. Now, I'm not a pig, but you gotta think big, when you're competing with the girl in the 'hood. So, you won't be a fan of my evil plan, but I'm gonna be top o' the woods! Now, the kids will be packed with my Boingo snacks. Construction begins in a day. And all of the bears will be ruled by the hare, as I maniacally plot from my evil lair. Ha-ha-ha!
*[Keith whistles as he sets up a slideshow, while the robot arm pulls down a screen. Boingo presents his plan with said slideshow]
*Boingo: We've really grown in the past year. Nabbing all the recipes was Phase I. Now Phase II is adding my own special ingredient to every goody, a little something I like to call "Boingonium." It makes my snacks a little more... habit-forming. Happy customer! Phase III gets a little messy. I'm gonna need a lot of real estate down the mountain, so I've gotta blow the competition away. Oh, and that's not a metaphor. We've literally got to blow them away. Okay?
*Red: Yeah, I got it.
*Boingo: And now that I have your Grandma's secrets, I'm afraid you'll be taking the dyno-mite express home.
*[Dolph ties Red's mouth, muffles screaming]
*Boingo: Ha-ha-ha-ha! [continues singing] Oh, you won't be disrespecting this bunny no more, 'cause I'm gonna be top o' the woods! Oh yeah, I said I'm gonna be top o' the woods! Let's bring it on home! I said, I'm gonna be top o' the woods!
*[they all look at Boingo]
*Boingo: [singing] You've been hoodwinked, baby!!!! Oh, yeah!
*Granny: Sweet tea and cookies! We got to do something!
*Wolf: I know. The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible.
*[they all get down]
*Wolf: Okay, listen. I have an idea, but we need to get past that ski team.
*Granny: The toughest one is the big fella, really mean-looking, with a fat head and a thick skull, looks like a shaved ape. I mean, he is uh-uh-uh-ugly! Like a big, swollen, overgrown... He's standing right behind me, isn't he?
*[they all tackle and fight, then the police cars drive, looking at Twitchy, squealing back and forth]
*Nicky: Who taught you how to drive?
*Chief: Almost hit a squirrel. That was close.
*[Twitchy lands on a car window, then they all scream, then the police cars stop, breaking, then Twitchy gets up]
*Chief: What's the big idea? I coulda make road pizza outta you, kid!
*[Twitchy babbles]
*Chief: What's he saying?
*Bill: What is it, boy?!
*[Twitchy continues babbling]
*Bill: Tr... Trouble at the mill! Is the barn on fire? The barn's on fire! The well! Timmy's stuck in the well!
*Chief: Hold on. He seems to be speaking words of some kind.
*[cut back inside]
*Boingo: Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight!
*[Red continues with a muffled talk]
*Boingo: I'm sorry. What? I can't quite... With the... You got something right there across your mouth! Ha-ha-ha!
*[the doors close, then putting a lock]
*Wolf: You're an actor, right? So this is your big part. This is the role of a lifetime. Make them believe in you. Don't act like an evil henchman, be an evil henchman. So you know what you're gonna say, right?
*Kirk: Right! Uh, Mr. Rabbit?
*Boingo: Dolph! Where have you been?!
*Kirk: I...
*Boingo: You dim-witted euro-trash with the... What is that, a ski mask? I like that. See, that's scary. That's good.
*Kirk: Um, b-boss...
*Boingo: [exploding with impatience] WHAT?! Say it! Spit it out! What's going on?!
*Kirk: Uh, boss, uh... Paul's bunion cream has the soothing formula...
*Wolf: Hi, there. What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector. I just need to tap the pipes to see if your wiring's up to par.
*Boingo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. You're not... No. You can't touch anything in here.
*Wolf: Let's walk. Let me level with you. You're an evil genius, right?
*Boingo: [shyly] Well, I don't know if I'd say "genius", you know, I... I.... I was asked to join Mensa.
*Wolf: You got yourself an evil lair in a mountain cave, that's standard, but see, most masters of evil that we deal with are up to evil genius code. Are you familiar with the code?
*Boingo: You know, I'm more of a... a "do-it-yourself" kind of guy.
*Wolf: I understand. Are you thinking about putting in a laser?
*Boingo: I don't know. I don't... Do you think I should?
*Wolf: Well, it's standard equipment for a cave lair. I'm saying you're gonna zap someone with it today, but you gotta think about the future. Those things have gotta be calibrated. You gonna do that yourself?
*Boingo: Well, I... I...
*Wolf: Well, we should just take a look at that power grid.
*Boingo: Okay. Yeah, sure, sure.
*[Granny looks down at Wolf and Boingo, putting a water drop on her nose, falling down]
*Boingo: Wait a minute. [sniffing] I smell hairspray.
*Granny: A-haaaaa!!!! [drops down attacking the people]
*Wolf: Come here, you little bunny!
*[Boingo fights the wolf, then shaking his head, breaking a sign]
*Granny: Ha-ha-ha! [attacks Vincent, then rolling down on a rolling pin, then flipping around]
*Kirk: [grabs Keith] Gotcha! [lets go]
*[Granny rides a bike, attacking Vincent, attacking Lesa]
*Wolf: Get over here!
*[Granny rides up, then Boingo lights a match]
*Boingo: Hey, Puckett! Little Red's gonna take a ride! And there ain't... no... brakes! Ha-ha-ha!
*Granny: Red!
*[the cable car continues riding down faster, then riding down, grabbing a tray]
*Boingo: She doesn't trust you anymore, Granny!
*Granny: Out of my way, bunny!
*[the tray knocks Boingo, the flying up, then sliding down, then the men run to Boingo, then they all slide down]
*Boingo: Dolph! [jumps on Dolph, then they slide down]
*Wolf: Wow, that's, a... That's a long way.
*Kirk: We could take the truck.
*Wolf: Let's take the truck.
*Kirk: Yeah, cool.
*Twitchy: They go up, you go down. It's the bunny! Gotta help! ABP!
*Bill: This squirrel ate the wrong nuts.
*Jerry: English! What's wrong with you?!
*Nicky: Wait a minute. I've got an idea.
*[presses a button, then Twitchy babbles, then stops, then rewinding, then playing a clip]
*Glen: Ah, okay.
*Radio: The criminal you are looking for cannot be found at the bottom of the mountain. He resides at the top in a cave fortress where my companions are trying to detain him.
*Twitchy: Hmm-hmm-hmm! Aw.
*Nicky: That's more like it.
*Chief: How do we know this squirrel's on the level?
*Nicky: He threw himself in front of a moving car. That's commitment.
*Chief: No, that's crazy! We can't get up there in time anyway!
*Bill: Hey, Chief! It looks like they're coming to us!
*[the cable car continues sliding down, with Red being untying it off, then taking off by the mouth, shaking the doors with a lock, then stomping the floor, saying, "Escape Hatch", blowing away, then swinging back and forth, then climbing up to a lock]
*Granny: A-ha!
*Red: Granny!
*Granny: I'm comin', honey! [slides down to a cable car] Grab the hood!
*[Red tries to grab the red hood, gasping, then grabbing a red hood, sliding by the trees, then swinging on the tray]
*Granny: Ha-ha-ha! Hold tight! Ha-ha-ha! [opens the door, saying, "Emergency", then pulling a lever, releasing a cable car, then the cable car falls in the river, then the cable car explodes, with fish flying out]
*Red: Whoo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha!
*Boingo: End of the line, ladies! Ha-ha-ha!
*Red: Granny!
*Granny: You know what to do.
*[they both fly up]
*Boingo: Oh, wonderful.
*[they both continue flying up]
*Boingo: Oh-no!
*[they all go in the police truck]
*Dolph: That hurts.
*Chief: [closing the door, saying, "Please Watch Your Paws"] Get 'em outta here, boys!
*Boingo: [looking at Red and Granny, flying down] No, no, no, no, not prison.
*Twitchy: Say parchessi! [takes a picture of Boingo]
*Boingo: Not prison! NOT FOR A CUTE LITTLE BUNNY RABBIT!!!
*[they both land down, giving applause]
*Nicky: Not bad for a little cookie maker.
*Granny: Thanks. [looks at Red] I guess I must have had my eyes shut pretty tight, not to see how fast you were growing up. You were really somethin' up there.
*Red: I take after my Granny.
*Kirk: Hello, everybody! Here, we have the book!
*[the truck crashes into a tree, knocking the car, crashing]
*Man: What happened here tonight?
*Red: My Granny swooped in and saved me. And the whole forest!
*Granny: It was my Red who saved the day.
*Chief: Well, it was a group effort, spearheaded by myself, of course.
*Wolf: You'll be able to read the entire story in tomorrow's column, but I will take a few questions at this time.
*Jimmy: Mr. Kirkendal will be appearing in our upcoming ad campaign...
*Kirk: I got a call-back!
*Jimmy: No, no don't talk. Shhh!
*Nicky: Let's just say that if a tree falls in the forest, you'll get three stories, yours, mine, and the tree's.
*[they all laugh]
*Nicky: Well, the bunny gone bad is going away, and you'll wake up tomorrow morning with piping hot tea cakes at your doorstep same as always.
*Granny: [touches a muffin] Ooh! Those are pipin' hot.
*Wolf: So, how 'bout that new delivery system?
*Red: Well, it beats riding a bike, that's for sure.
*Japeth: [singing] Oh I got horns that hold the muffins, and I got horns that hold the pies....
*Red: Hey, did you hear about Kirk? He finally made it.
*[camera zooms in the picture, saying, "Der Happy Yodelers The Sound Of Munich!"]
*Red: Hey, you wanna go see the show with us?
*Wolf: I'm allergic to yodeling.
*Granny: Now, Wolfie.
*Wolf: I'm front page material now, I'm about to crack a story about the three pigs running home improvement scam. Houses fallin' left and right.
*Twitchy: I got the wide-angle lenses for those piggies. You gotta go wide.
*Wolf: You sure this is the right place?
*Nicky: Ah!
*[Nicky shows up at the bar]
*Red: Mr. Flippers!
*Nicky: I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.
*Granny: What's going on?
*Nicky: Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could you use some fresh talent like you.
*Wolf: What kind of work are we talking about?
*Nicky: You'd be undercover, on impossible missions, to faraway places. [grabs a ticket to Red] There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.
*Red: "Happily Ever After Agency"?
*Nicky: The woods don't go around themselves. [winks]
*Twitchy: Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, swing through the windows secret agent-style, right? Yeah!
*Nicky: So? What do you think?
*Granny: Bring it, honey!
*Red: I always did like happy endings. [puts the hood back on]
Category:Transcripts
Category:The Weinstein Company Transcripts