Transcripts/The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization

==Season 1 - Episode 09 - The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization==
Scene 	Apartment 4A, Leonard is attaching something to a lamp.
Leonard 	Okay, the X10s are online.
Howard 	Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fiber-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova-Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this (clicks mouse, lamp switches on) lamp. (The others cheer and clap).
Sheldon 	Look at me, look at me, I’ve got goosebumps.
Howard 	Are we ready on the stereo?
Raj 	Go for stereo.
Penny 	(Entering) Hey guys.
All 	(calming down, embarrassed) Hello.
Penny 	It's a little loud.
Howard 	No problem, turning it down. (Using mouse again) San Francisco, Lisbon, Halifax (the music gets quieter) et voila.
Penny 	Okay, thanks.
Leonard 	Hang on, hang on, do you not realize what we just did.
Penny 	Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Sheldon 	No, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
Penny 	Oh. You know you can just get one of those universal remotes at Radio Shack, they're really cheap.
Leonard 	No, no, no, you don't get it, um, Howard, enable public access.
Howard 	Public access enabled. (They all stare around for a moment in silence.)
Penny 	Boy, that's brilliant, but I'll see you.
Leonard 	No, hang on, hang on. (The lamp goes off and on again.) See!
Penny 	No.
Sheldon 	Someone in Sezchuan province, China is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Penny 	Huh, well that's handy. Um, here's a question, why?
All together	Because we can. (There is a loud noise)
Sheldon 	They found the remote controlled cars.
Penny 	Well, wait, wait, what's on top of them.
Leonard 	Wireless webcams, wave hello.
Howard 	The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
Sheldon 	You may want to put on slacks.
Penny 	What? (Seeing red car is trying to get between her legs) Ew, stop it, no, leave me alone.
Leonard 	Who's running the red Corvette?
Howard 	That would be me.
Scene 	Apartment 4A, clearing up.
Sheldon 	You know, in the future, when we’re disembodied brains in jars, we’re going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj 	I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard 	I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj 	I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that's something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.
Sheldon 	Not to mention you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
Leonard 	Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Sheldon 	Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
Leonard 	It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics. They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bowes-Einstein condensates.
Sheldon 	I know. I read it before I threw it out.
Leonard 	Okay... if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out.
Sheldon 	Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers, who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be.
Howard 	I don't know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
Leonard 	Forget the parties.
Howard 	Forget the parties? What a nerd.
Leonard 	Are there any other honors I’ve gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon 	Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize, is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.
Raj 	Hoo-hoo-hoo. The only thing missing from that insult was “yo mamma.”
Howard 	I’ve got one, hey Leonard, your mamma's research methodology is so flawed....
Leonard 	Shut up, Howard. Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon 	No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying, everything else is optional.
Leonard 	Okay, let me put it this way, I'm doing it.
Sheldon 	You can't. I'm the lead author.
Leonard 	Oh, come on. The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon 	I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
Leonard 	Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon 	It doesn't need proving.
Leonard 	So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon 	They're not supposed to, but they should.
Leonard 	Alright, I don't care what you say, I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
Sheldon 	And I forbid it.
Leonard 	You forbid it?
Sheldon 	If I'm not taking credit for our work then nobody is.
Leonard 	Oh, you admit that it's our work.
Sheldon 	No, once again, I'm throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.
Leonard 	Ah!
Howard 	Oh no he dit’nt!
Scene 	Leonard’s bedroom. Penny is looking through his closet.
Penny 	So, how's it going with Sheldon, are you guys still not talking to each other?
Leonard 	Not only is he still not talking to me, but there's this thing he does where he stares at you and tries to get your brain to explode. You know, like in the classic sci-fi movie Scanners? (Put’s fingers to head) You know, bzzz-pchew! Never mind. How about this one. It says, “I know my physics, but I’m still a fun guy!”
Penny 	Oh, hey, I didn't know they still made corduroy suits!
Leonard 	They don't, that's why I saved this one.
Penny 	Okay, well, let's just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these.
Leonard 	Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny 	No, this is stuff I want you to throw out.
Leonard 	Oh.
Penny 	Seriously, don't even give it to charity, you won't be helping anyone. What's this.
Leonard 	Oh, that's the bottled city of Kandor.
Penny 	Uh-huh.
Leonard 	You see, Kandor was the capital city of the planet Krypton, it was miniaturised by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.
Penny 	Oh, nice.
Leonard 	It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.
Penny 	Here, why don't you put these on while I find a shirt and sport-coat to match.
Leonard 	Great, be right back.
Penny 	Well, where you going, just put them on.
Leonard 	Here?
Penny 	Oh, are you shy?
Leonard 	No, I'm not shy.
Penny 	Don't worry, I won't look.
Leonard 	I know you won't look, why would you look, there's nothing to see, well, not nothing....
Penny 	Sweetie, put the pants on.
Leonard 	Putting them on.
Penny 	So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing.
Leonard 	No. No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is batcrap crazy.
Penny 	What is this?
Leonard 	Oh, careful. That's my original series "Battlestar Galatica" flight suit.
Penny 	Oh, why didn't you wear it at Halloween?
Leonard 	Because it's not a costume, it's a flight suit.
Penny 	Okay, alright, moving on, oh, wow, a paisley shirt.
Leonard 	Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit.
Penny 	If you mean it should end up in the same place then, I agree. Is this your... your only tie?
Leonard 	Ah. Technically yes, but, if you'll notice, it's reversible. So it works as two.
Penny 	Oh, sweetie, I don't think it even works as one. Is this all your clothes?
Leonard 	Yeah. Everything since the eighth grade.
Penny 	The... the eighth grade?
Leonard 	My last growth spurt.
Penny 	Okay, well, I guess we’re back to the corduroy suit.
Leonard 	Great.
Penny 	Yup. (Leonard picks up paisley shirt) I said no, put it down.
Scene 	The ground floor hallway.
Penny 	Hey Sheldon!
Sheldon 	(Unlocking his mailbox) Hello Penny.  
Penny 	Get anything good?
Sheldon 	Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny 	Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't. (Sheldon looks confused). It was a joke. (Sheldon gives a fake laugh.) Yup, tip your waitresses, I'm here all week.
Sheldon 	Penny, just to save you from further awkwardness know that I'm perfectly comfortable with the two of us climbing the stairs in silence.
Penny 	Oh yeah, me too. Zip it, lock it. (The begin to climb) Put it in your pocket. So you and Leonard...
Sheldon 	Oh dear God!
Penny 	Little misunderstanding, huh.
Sheldon 	A little misunder.... Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.
Penny 	Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.
Sheldon 	Huh.
Penny 	Well how do you feel?
Sheldon 	I don't understand the question.
Penny 	Well I'm just asking if it's difficult to be fighting with your best friend.
Sheldon 	Oh. I hadn't thought about it like that. I wonder if I’ve been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
Penny 	Wait... what?
Sheldon 	I couldn't poop this morning.
Penny 	You should just talk to him, I'm sure you guys can work this out.
Sheldon 	It's certainly preferable to my plan.
Penny 	Which was?
Sheldon 	A powerful laxative.
Penny 	Okay, so you absolutely should talk to him, look, I know Leonard values you as a friend, and he told me himself that without your little idea there's no way he could have come up with this whole experiment thing.
Sheldon 	Excuse me, little idea?
Penny 	Yeah, I mean he tried to explain it to me, I didn't really understand it but...
Sheldon 	Of course you didn't, he said little idea?
Penny 	Uh, well no, no, not in... not in those words.
Sheldon 	In what words then, exactly
Penny 	Um, gee, the exact words aren't written... it's more the spirit in which it's
Sheldon 	What did he say?
Penny 	You had a lucky hunch.
Leonard 	(Coming out of apartment) Hey, Sheldon, I’ve been thinking, instead of arguing about this why don't....
Sheldon 	Don't you ever speak to me again.
Leonard 	What... (Sheldon goes into apartment and slams the door).
Penny 	Uh, he... (makes “he’s screwy” hand movements, turns to go).
Scene 	The apartment. Leonard is dressed in the corduroy suit.
Leonard 	Okay, I'm leaving for the conference.
Sheldon 	Have fun presenting my lucky hunch.
Leonard 	Sheldon I didn't mean it like that.
Sheldon 	Then why did you say it.
Leonard 	I don't know, I wasn't choosing my...
Sheldon 	Were you trying to impress Penny?
Leonard 	No, no not at all. A little bit.
Sheldon 	How’d that work out for you?
Penny 	(Entering) Leonard, ready to go?
Sheldon 	Libido 1, truth zero.
Leonard 	Okay, I'm going to ask you one more time, we did the work together, lets present the paper together.
Sheldon 	And I'm telling you for the last time it's pandering, it's undignified and bite me.
Leonard 	Let's go.
Penny 	Bye Sheldon.
Sheldon 	Goodbye Penny. (Places fingers to head to try to make Leonard’s brain explode. Leonard leaves.) Oooh, one of these days, Pkshhhh!
Scene 	A corridor at the conference. Penny is attaching Leonard’s name tag.
Penny 	There you go.
Leonard 	You're right, this side does look better.
Penny 	No, no, I didn't say better, I said less stained.
Howard 	I just checked the house, there's probably twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard 	You're kidding.
Penny 	Is that all?
Leonard 	All? In particle physics, twenty five is Woodstock.
Penny 	Oh, well, then good!
Leonard 	I wasn't expecting such a crowd, I'm a little nervous.
Howard 	It's okay, just open with a joke, you'll be fine.
Leonard 	A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there's this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won't lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum. (Raj and Howard laugh.) Right?
Penny 	Oh, sorry, I’ve just, I’ve heard it before.
Howard 	Let's roll. Hey, nice suit.
Leonard 	It's a classic, right?
Penny 	I really should have brought my own car.
Scene 	Leonard is presenting.
Leonard 	So, in conclusion, the data show that at temperatures approaching absolute zero, the moment of inertia changes, and the solid becomes a super-solid, which clearly appears to be a previously unknown state of matter. (Applause) Thank you. (Penny is asleep on Howard’s shoulder. Howard is taking a photograph with his camera phone.) Are there any questions?
Voice 	Yeah. What the hell was that?
Leonard 	Any other questions?
Sheldon 	(Who previously spoke, now removing his hood and dark glasses) Doctor Sheldon Cooper here, I am the lead author of this particular paper. (No reaction.) Thank you. And you, sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park, and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gasses like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
Leonard 	I didn't skip it, it's just an anecdote. It's not science.
Sheldon 	Oh, I see, was the apple falling on Newton's head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard 	You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon 	No, no that's true, gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard 	You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon 	You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Leonard 	Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation then maybe you should have given it with me.
Sheldon 	As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds. No offence.
Leonard 	Really, so why did you come?
Sheldon 	Because I knew you'd screw this up.
Leonard 	I didn't screw it up.
Sheldon 	Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.
Leonard 	I’ve had enough of your condescension. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven like you, maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16, but you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room. No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
Sheldon 	So you admit that you're an egotist?
Leonard 	Yes. (To audience) My name is Dr Leonard Hofstadter, and I could never please my parents so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you. But he's worse.
Sheldon 	Okay, that is it. (Tries to explode brain again.)
Leonard 	You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon 	Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
Leonard 	(Knocking his hands down) Stop it.
Sheldon 	You hit me. You saw him, he hit me.
Leonard 	You were trying to blow up my head.
Sheldon 	So it was working.
Leonard 	It wasn't, it was not, you are a nutcase.
Sheldon 	Oh we'll see about that (tries again), heads up you people in the front row, this is a splash zone.
Leonard 	Stop, stop it, quit it. (They start to fight.)
Penny 	Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard 	More often than you'd think.
Leonard 	(Getting Sheldon on floor) Vulcan nerve pinch!
Scene 	Aparment 4A
Sheldon 	You could have offered me a ride home.
Leonard 	You're lucky I didn't run you over.
Sheldon 	I really don't understand what you're so unhappy about, you begged me to come, I came, there's just no pleasing you.
Leonard 	You're right, I'm the problem, I'm the one that needs help.
Sheldon 	Well that's not much of an apology, but I'll take it.
Leonard 	Excuse me. Is there anything you'd like to apologize for?
Sheldon 	Yes. I'm sorry I tried to blow up your head. It was uncalled for.
Howard 	(Entering with Raj) You won't believe this.
Raj 	Somebody got the whole thing on a cell phone and put it on YouTube.
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	Now, who would do that?
Howard 	That would be me. Hey, check it out, it's a featured video. (They watch).
Leonard 	Oh jeez. Is this suit really look that bad?
Sheldon 	Forget your suit, look at my arms waving, I'm like a flamingo on Ritalin.
Penny 	(Entering) Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned “Me and my Girlfriend?”
Howard 	Uh-oh, here comes “the talk.”
Scene 	Captioned “Somewhere in China”, two Chinese students watch the video on their computer.
Student one 	(In captions) What losers.
Student two 	Yeah. Gigantic American geeks. (The lights flicker)
Student one 	Who's doing that?
Student two 	Someone from Pasadena, California named... “Wolowizard.”
Together 	Awesome!
To the original text
Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)