Prim's Grave Mistake

Prim's Grave Mistake is the 16th episode of The World of SBFW and the fourth episode of season two. 
The episode marks the longest gap between any episodes in the series, with a hiatus of two hundred and fifty four days.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens with an exterior shot of SBFW Street in the middle of the night. Pan down a crowded alleyway filled with trash, etc. etc. There are posters on the walls reading "MISSING - MARKIPLIER" and "MISSING - PRIMITIVESPONGE129, LAST SEEN AUGUST 2021". At the end of the alleyway Jess, Zoltan, SpongeBot, CrazySponge and CartoonGuy are standing around what appears to be a Satanic symbol.]
SpongeBot: Have you, um… have you ever done a summoning spell before?
Jess: I mean I'm a big fan of The Owl House, same thing right?
SpongeBot: I've watched loads of Police Interceptors, doesn't mean I'm a law enforcer.
Zoltan: SHUT UP!!! we need to fplpwlow the instructons or we WONT BE ABLEMTO RIVEIVE HIM!1
CartoonGuy: What even are these instructions anyway?
Jess: (pulls out a piece of paper) Let's see… step one: draw the Sigil of Baphomet. Welp, we've already done that. Step tw-
[The paper blows away in the wind.]
Jess: I'm sure it's not that hard anyway.
CrazySponge: (sighs) alright, stand back everyone. i've met the devil before, i know how this works.
CartoonGuy: You've met the Devil?
CrazySponge: i signed a contract with him to get box productions up and running, pretty nice guy actually.
CartoonGuy: Well that explains a lot.
[CrazySponge walks forward.]
CrazySponge: alright, here goes… (clears throat) HAIL SATAN HAIL SATAN THY KINGDOM COME THY SHALL BE DONE ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HELL WE SHALL PRAISE YOUR UNHOLY NAM-
SpongeBot: Okay, okay! I think that's enough Cra-
[Footsteps are heard at the end of the alleyway.]
CartoonGuy: Oh my God, that can't be-
Jess: You mean Aidan's Satan shit actually worked?
CrazySponge: this was your idea
[A shadowy figure approaches them from the end of the alleyway.]
SpongeBot: Pr- Prim? Is that you?
[Pause. Not-Joe steps out from the shadows.]
Not-Joe: yOOO GuuuYYYsss isssss me notjoe, you guys should go check out my new totally rad ep or something
CartoonGuy: Well... so much for that.
Zoltan: youre a goddamn failure adian
Jess: Huh, usually it's me who gets told tha-
???: Um, guys?
[Everyone turns around to reveal Prim standing at the other end of the alleyway holding a couple suitcases.]
Primitive: …I think your summoning worked.
In a world where SpongeBob fanfiction is just grand,
And degeneracy runs rampant all throughout the land
Let me greet you a world full of splendor and misery
The World of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki…
A world where the villain of the First World War is named Golf
Zoltan's got nothing under there 'cause Dan chopped 'em off
Biggest company, last name Productions, first name Box
I promise you that S-B-F-W will rock your socks
Jasbre, he's a crooked duck, and AceBlueWolfe's falling in love
Prim and Polar wrote this show, but writing a theme song was tough
Aaron, Travis, Kelpy, Purple, Liz, it's never enough
Viewer discretion advised - in this world, it can get real rough
But if you'd want to follow through and see what antics await you
Then keep on watching, I dare you
The Woooooorld of SBFW!
Others: PRIM?!?!
Primitive: Yeah?
[Zoltan faints.]
Primitive: Um… will he be alright?
[Exterior shot of local restaurant and bar, Luis' Crib. Cut to the group sitting down at a table somewhere. Zoltan is still unconscious. SpongeBot is waving an iCarly DVD in front of him.]
SpongeBot: Heeeeey Zoltan ol' buddy pal oh buddy chum, I got this for yo-
[Zoltan suddenly wakes up.]
Zoltan: OH MY GOD IT'S ICARLY!
Jess: So… what brings you back to The World of SBFW, Prim?
CartoonGuy: Where did you go?
Primitive: Well, um… you see I decided to take a vacation back to The World of Real Life and kinda got caught up there. And, you know, the entire trip got me thinking.
CrazySponge: i did some thinking once
[CrazySponge has Vietnam flashbacks.]
CrazySponge: it was really crazy… sponge
[Laugh track. He gets hit by a brick. Cheering and clapping is heard.]
Jess: (sipping on a choccy milkshake) So, like, what you've been thinking about?
Primitive: Well, um, you see… don't you think I'm a little old for all this?
Jess: Too old for what?
Primitive: Pfffftt, I dunno… funny sponge fanfictions?
Jess: What?! No! That's crazy!
SpongeBot: I mean we're all kinda a bit old for this.
Zoltan: i know! i turned six a few weeks ago, i'm a big boy!
Primitive: And also, I mean… my parents haven't always been the most happy about this being my life, you know?
Jess: Why not?
[Dan suddenly bursts in.]
Dan: YOOOO GUYS CHECK OUT THESE NEW BILLIE EILLISH DEEPFAKES!
SpongeBot: IT'S 1AM!
Jess: Okay, point made. But… what are you trying to say?
Primitive: Well um… what I'm trying to say is… I'm permanently moving away. Forever.
Jess: (spits out drink) WHAT?!
Zoltan: BUT YOU'RE LIKE THE BEST USER HERE!
CrazySponge: (comes back from unconsciousness) BUT I NEED TO BUY YOUR COMPANY! (he gets hit by another brick)
Primitive: I mean… I dunno, I just want a change. You get it, right?
Jess: I mean… kinda. But it just feels weird for you to suddenly abandon everything.
Primitive: I've been gone for seven months.
CartoonGuy: Where are you thinking of moving to anyway?
Primitive: Slovenia.
Zoltan: SLOVENIA?
Primitive: It has a funny name.
[Cut to the group walking away from the restaurant. It is still night.]
Primitive: Soooooo, I guess I'll pack my things up and move away later tomorrow. 
Jess: Bb-but b- but… I just can't believe you're going.
Primitive: Neither can I, but (sigh) funny Garfield comics call me.
SpongeBot: We'll have to organise a goodbye party or something.
Primitive: Oh, pffffft, nah I'm good. Thank you so much for the offer though bu-
Jess: Look, Prim, we just did a Satanic ritual to summon you and you're already leaving? I mean, I respect your choices but-
Primitive: It's what I have to do.
Jess: But what abou-
Primitive: I'm thinking about my future.
Jess: But-
Primitive: I need to-
Jess: But you-
CartoonGuy: HOUSE!
[CartoonGuy points up to the sky. A house is falling down onto CrazySponge.]
CrazySponge: uh-oh
[CrazySponge quickly darts out of the way and the house hits Primitive instead. Pause.]
SpongeBot: CRAZYSPONGE DIED OH GOD OH- wait.
CrazySponge: ...eh, better him than me
CartoonGuy: Oh my God! Th- The house hit someone else for once!
CrazySponge: im not complaining.
Zoltan: i thought the funny hous didn wan na crush peopl no mroe
CartoonGuy: Huh? When?
Zoltan: twos shorts episode 2 No Perversion ...what? i read this show
Jess: Pr- Prim? Y- you okay?
[Pause.]
Jess: He'll come back, right?
CrazySponge: its hard to tell.
CartoonGuy: What do you mean?
CrazySponge: well not everyone is immortal like me. has prim ever been hit by a house before?
SpongeBot: I- I don't think so.
CrazySponge: huh
[Pause.]
CartoonGuy: You don't think he's- you don't think he's done a Suzy Sheep do you?
[Pause.]
Zoltan: (a tear falls from his eye) dead cat not-walking…
CartoonGuy: HOLY CRAP! PRIMITIVESPONGE129 IS DEAD!
CrazySponge: shit. guess i can't buy his company now
SpongeBot: That's your biggest concern right now??
CrazySponge: what? i like money
[Laugh track. He gets hit by yet another brick.]
CartoonGuy: Where are all these bricks coming from?!
[Cut to the group at The World of SBFW hospital, surrounding Primitive in his hospital bed.]
Dr. Brown Bear: I'm gonna be completely honest with you, I've never seen anything like this before. A house just falling out of the sky?
SpongeBot: I guess CrazySponge has never been here before then.
CrazySponge: o im insured with Box Productions Private Healthcare™, only fifty dollars a month (winks at the camera)
CartoonGuy: So what's the word, doc?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well… I'm afraid you were right to bring your friend here. Unfortunately I think I have to diagnose the man with… dead.
CrazySponge: HA! LOSER!
[Pause]
CrazySponge: oh waaiiit his company
SpongeBot: Will you shut up about his stupid company already?
CrazySponge: b-but its teal
[Zoltan falls onto the ground. He sheds a tear.]
Zoltan: i-i i cant believe it. pri-primitivesponge129 is-is dead.
CrazySponge: wow, hes dead.
SpongeBot: Wow?
CrazySponge: i- i mean, not that im happy hes dead but… wow i cant believe it.
CartoonGuy: He was a good cat.
[Zoltan gets up.]
Zoltan: NO!!!!! I REFUSE TO BLEIEVE IT1!
SpongeBot: The first stage of grief: denial.
Zoltan: PRIM IS ALIVE, BY A LOT!
Dr. Brown Bear: (shed a tear himself) It'll be okay guys, you'll get through this. You know, I know a lovely little crematorium down the road tha-
Zoltan: NO!!11! WE WON'T BE NEEDING A "CEMATORUM"!!! BECAUSE PRIM ISN'T DEAD!
Jess: Zoltan, I hate to break it to you but we literally saw his body get crushed by a house. The cat is as dead as Suzy She-
Zoltan: FAKE NEWS! JUST LIKE WHEN BRIAN CAME BACK TO LIFE! JUST LIKE WHEN DAN CHOPPED OFF MY COCK (and also balls)!!
[Dan bursts through the wall holding a chainsaw.]
Dr. Brown Bear: What th-
Dan: MR. CITY!! I'll have you know your castration was 100% genuine and NOT FAKED! Don't believe me? Just read Zoltan's Castration.
Zoltan: thatd the only epsifoe of thais shoe that i wefuse to reed
Jess: Can we please stop changing the subject?!
Dan: Oh, sorry, my bad. I hope I didn't interrupt anything too important.
SpongeBot: Oh not really. Prim just died, that's all.
Dan: Oh. I- I'll see myself out.
[He leaves through the hole in the wall.]
CrazySponge: someone should fix that
SpongeBot: Doesn't BP have, like, billions of dollars in the bank?
CrazySponge: TRILLIONS!
SpongeBot: So- so you should fix it. You have the money.
CrazySponge: (laughs) pfffffft like id fund public healthcare. besides, im crazysponge. i barely know how to tie my own shoes
CartoonGuy: You don't even wear shoes with laces.
CrazySponge: i rest my case
[Exterior shot of the Box Productions Crematorium. Everyone from The World of SBFW is gathered inside to honour Prim.]
Peter Griffin: Hey Lois, remember that time I was at a funeral?
Lois Griffin: That's this time, Petah.
Peter Griffin: Oh.
Brian Griffin: (walking in) Woah, ass ahoy. Whose funeral is it anyway?
Peter Griffin: I dunno. Some cat, I think? I'm just here for the free food.
[Suddenly, CrazySponge walks up to a stand at the end of the hall and starts giving a speech.]
CrazySponge: is this microphone on? good. (clears throat) prim wrote an entire show about me dying, so i think its only fair that i give a speech now that hes died. we are gathered here today to mourn the death one of our valued fanfiction-writing brothers. a couple of hours ago, primitivesponge129 was crushed by a house a few minutes after he returned to the world of sbfw. 
Jess: (whispering) I didn't know Aidan could use big words.
SpongeBot: (whispering) He can't. He made me write this.
CrazySponge: so today were gonna burn his body or some shit.
SpongeBot: (whispering) I did not write that part.
[He throws confetti in the air. Pause.]
CrazySponge: just lightening the mood. oh, and by the way, to commemorate the tragic loss of prim, box productions will be unveiling our brand new line of PRIMITIVESPONGE NFTS! TONIGHT!! buy one get one free! tell your neighbor. anyway, let's burn the body.
[The coffin housing Prim's dead body combusts into flame.]
SpongeBot: Aren't we supposed to burn the body outside the coffin?
CrazySponge: shit. well its not like its gonna affect anything. anyway, WHO WANTS A PRIMITIVESPONGE NFT?!
[Sad, sombre music starts playing in Prim's honour. And by sad, sombre music I mean some DK Rap remix.]
Speakers: 🎵CG MAN! COCONUT GUN IT FIRES IN SPURTS! SHOOT YA IN THE FACE! AW YEAH!🎵
Dan: (wiping his tears) This was his favorite song!
[A message scrolls across the bottom of the screen, reading "The music interests of PrimitiveSponge129 are not cemented in stone, and they change all the time. In fact, he just called this song old. We would like to make it clear PrimitiveSponge129's music tastes do not reflect the views of Teal Horizon Entertainment or… what's Polar's thing called again? Oh yeah PI. Nevertheless, we are using this song anyway because it is most often associated with him."]
[The song ends, and everyone is moved to tears. CrazySponge walks back onto the podium.]
CrazySponge: wow, wasnt that great guys?! NOW WHO WANTS CAKE?!
[Everyone rushes over to the buffet area of the building as Celebration by Kool and the Gang starts playing.]
Peter Griffin: Holy freaking crap Lois! This funeral is the best funeral I've ever attended!
Granite: When are we gonna play "pass the parcel"?
Zoltan: (gorging his face with a Garfield® cake) mmm… i dont know why we're having a funeral for prim when he obviously didnt die, but this cake is great!
CartoonGuy: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PRIM! Oh wait, he's dead.
Vanessa: Prim died? I wondered what all this fuss was about.
Pluto: Do you know if they have Weezer on this playlist?
Vanessa: Nah, I don't think so. I never really took Prim as a Weezer fan.
[Travis walks up to CrazySponge.]
Travis: Hey, um-
CrazySponge: oh boy my first customer! you here to buy a one of a kind prim nft?
Travis: What? Of course not! Everyone knows NFTs are bad for the environment, they're even worse than eating meat! 
CrazySponge: but theyre in the blockchain!
Travis: And they're killing the trees.
[Pause.]
CrazySponge: i- i, uh… i don't know what youre talking about
Travis: Anyway, um… do you know if that Garfield cake is vegan?
CrazySponge: i mean… garfield is a cat, so no.
Zoltan: THIS CAKE IS MADE OF REAL CAT?!
[CrazySponge starts sweating.]
CrazySponge: i- i um… y-you know, th- one thing i sh-
[Pause.]
CrazySponge: excuse me for a moment.
Travis: Of course.
[CrazySponge walks off.]
Zoltan: what's his problem? this cake is GREAT!
Travis: You're okay with eating grounded-up kittens?
Zoltan: i masturbate to cats, this is a field day for me!
Jess: Aren't you six years old?
Zoltan: yeah, and?
[Cut back to the party table.]
Liz: So… I heard The Casagrandes is getting cancelled.
Jess: Casagrandes? You mean like Ariana?
Liz: No, I mean like the Loud House spin-off with the mexicans.
WoofWoof: HA! STUPID MEXICANS!
[Purple walks up to the table.]
WoofWoof: Oh hi Purple.
[Cut to CrazySponge entering the male restroom. He walks up to the mirror and starts talking to himself.]
CrazySponge: whew, good save crazysponge. apart from that little slip, youve really outdone yourself this time! this is one of the best funerals ever and everyones having a great time! ...still havent sold any of those nfts though
[CartoonGuy walks in.]
CartoonGuy: Hey Aidan. Great funeral!
CrazySponge: i know, right?!
CartoonGuy: I like the cake, what's in it?
CrazySponge: its, um… a secret. i- uh- what are you doing in the restroom anyway?!
CartoonGuy: (at a urinal) Peeing.
CrazySponge: o
[Pause.]
CrazySponge: thats weird.
CartoonGuy: Hey, I know this is an odd question but… have you noticed anything strange about the coffin since we set it on fire?
CrazySponge: not particularly. 
CartoonGuy: Huh, cool. Cool cool cool. It's just that I- I mean… some of the other people have just been a little startled by it, that's all.
CrazySponge: what do you mean?
CartoonGuy: See for yourself.
[Cut to CrazySponge and CartoonGuy standing next to the coffin. An orange tinted glow is sparkling out from it. Loud, happy party music is still blasting in the background.]
CrazySponge: huh… i dont think thats normal.
CartoonGuy: I thought you were supposed to be an expert on dying.
CrazySponge: IM CRAZYSPONGE!! DO I LOOK LIKE IM AN EXPERT ON THINGS?!
CartoonGuy: I mean… you do own the biggest company in The World of SBFW.
CrazySponge: thats true i do, but that doesnt mean im an expert on running companies. i just put my name on things and rake in the moolah
CartoonGuy: Ohhhhh, you mean falsely inflating your assets?
CrazySponge: haven't we done this joke twice already
Jess: Thursday Spin-Off has been dead for ages, someone has to make the CrazySponge jokes.
Jasbre, who is here for some reason: It's not dead! I'm just… taking a break from it.
Jess: So, it's dead?
Jasbre: Yeah it's dead. By the way, please check out my Lego SpongeBob videos up on my YouTube channel! Okay, heh, good talk. Jasbre out.
[Jasbre walks off. Pause.]
CartoonGuy: We should probably check out the coffin and make sure everything's okay, right?
Liz: Ehhhhhhhhhh, I feel like if we opened it up right now and had Prim's dead ashes on full display it'd kinda ruin the happy mood we've got going on.
[The others slowly open the coffin.]
Liz: Okay, don't listen to me.
CrazySponge: look, if something is wrong with prims ashes i could get sued!
Liz: I don't know why that would be a ba-
[The coffin is now fully open and everyone gasps.]
In a world where SpongeBob fanfiction is just grand,
And degeneracy runs rampant all throughout the land
Let me greet you a world full of splendor and misery
The World of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki-
CrazySponge: HEY, HEY! STOP THE MUSIC! weve already heard that dumb theme song this episode
Vanessa: I take offense. What are you buffoons gasping at anyw-
[Vanessa looks down at the coffin.]
Vanessa: Oh my Conner Malarky. He's… he's…
[Zoltan comes rushing in.]
Zoltan: HE'S ALIVE! HAHAHAHAHAA! I TOLD YOU BITCHES! LOOK WHO'S LAUGHING NOW! HA!
[Prim emerges from the coffin. He's orange and see-through. In other words, he's a ghost.]
Primitive: Ugh, what happened? Why was I in that crowded box for so long?
[Zoltan faints. Prim looks around at everyone staring at him in silence for a few seconds.]
Primitive: What's wrong, everyone? You all look as though you've all seen a ghost.
[Pause.]
Vanessa: (sighs) Nevermind, he's still dead. Back in the coffin he goes.
Primitive: Wait wait wait, no! What the hell is going on?!
Liz: You should take a look at yourself.
[Primitive looks at himself.]
Primitive: Un-boo-lievable.
[Very loud laugh track because that pun was funny as shit.]
Vanessa: …someone call the Ghostbusters.
Jess: Pr- Prim? I- Is that really you? Again?
Primitive: Indeed it is. In the flesh… well, not in the flesh but-
Liz: You seem really unfazed to find out that you're a ghost.
Primitive: Meh, I'm Canadian. This happens all the time where I'm from.
Jess: It does?
Primitive: No, not really.
Jess: Oh.
Primitive: I just- I just can't believe it. One second I was getting crushed by a house, and the next… I'm a ghost!
CrazySponge: say, did you ever write a will?
Primitive: I think so. (He takes out an old Garfield book) It's somewhere on one of these pages.
Liz: You wrote your will… on a Garfield book?
Primitive: I'm PrimitiveSponge129, what did you expect?
CrazySponge: so… who gets your company
Primitive: Not you. I wrote on my will that all my belongings would stay with me, to the grave.
CrazySponge: WHAT?!? THATS NOT FAIR!! WHY EVEN BOTHER WRITING A WILL IF NO ONE GETS ANYTHING?!
Primitive: Boredom.
[Prim throws the Garfield book out the window.]
Jasbre: (off-screen) MY LEG!
Primitive: You know… I guess it's kinda a blessing to be honest that I died. In fact, it's kind of spectre-cular!
[Laugh track]
Liz: It is?
Primitive: I mean… yeah! First of all, it's fucking awesome being a ghost. I assume. I haven't done anything as a ghost yet.
Vanessa: Alive people, dead people, what difference does it make? We can all eat lasagna together.
Primitive: But, to be honest… I didn't really want to leave this place.
Jess: YOU DIDN'T?!
Primitive: I mean, I mean, I kinda did and I kinda didn't. You see, I just kinda thought it was time to move on and all but… now that I'm a ghost, I guess I can kind of do whatever the hell I want!
Vanessa: Wait, so… let me get this straight. You're kind of staying in The World of SBFW, but you're also kind of not?
Primitive: …in a nutshell.
CrazySponge: AW, COME ON! YOU MEAN BOX PRODUCTIONS FORKED OUT FOR THIS WHOLE GIG FOR NOTHING?!
SpongeBot: Be nice, it's not cool to talk ill of a dead person.
Primitive: I mean… yeah you forked out for nothing, but at least I haven't left forever, so that's one reason why you should raise your spirits.
[Laugh track because comedy gold.]
Vanessa: Does becoming a ghost make you unfunnier than Not-Joe now or something?
Primitive: It just gives me an excuse to make ghost puns.
Not-Joe: Nah, to be completely honest I think your ghost puns are DEAD FUNNY!
[Silence.]
Primitive: Please stop.
CrazySponge: so… what now
Primitive: Well, seeing as how you threw an early birthday party for me, we shouldn't throw all this to waste.
SpongeBot: It was a funeral, actually.
Primitive: Have you guys never done a funeral before?
CrazySponge: no, we have, this is just usually how we celebrate- I MEAN, mourn their deaths
Jess: Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait… are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?
Primitive: What am I suggest-
Jess: DREAMWORKS DANCE PARTY ENDING!
Primitive: Aw, sheet.
[The Y.M.C.A. starts playing and everyone starts dancing.]
Zoltan: Bokka fa lei boom maraki
Cartoon Guy: Booki bokka fa ta chi ba da da bo da
Zoltan: Bokka linguini banaki loto
CartoonGuy: La to le bu he la
All: La pa ta ke alo
Tu pu de bwa
La pa ta ke alo
Tu pu de bw-
Primitive: Okay screw this. I'm going to Mali-boo.
[The Minions' cover of Y.M.C.A plays as the credits roll.]
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