Bed & Breakfast/Transcript

== Bed & Breakfast ==
Linda: I'm back.
Teddy: What's all this? 
Bob: Ugh. We're renting the rooms in our apartment for the long weekend. We're gonna be a Bed & Breakfast. So exciting.
Teddy: I love Bed & Breakfast. They're so quaint.
Louise: Aren't they? Random strangers shedding skin cells all over the house.
Bob: Ugh, I'm against this Bed & Breakfast as much as you can be against something, and still, let it happen.
Teddy: Like when my ex-wife wanted to have a three-way with our neighbour, Ray.
Bob: Teddy, Teddy. I don't think you should be talking about... Wait, you had a three-way with ray, the guy who wears the sales suit down on the pier? 
Teddy: Yeah. I mean I wasn't involved, I just watched, but... Yeah.
Gene: I had a three-way in science class yesterday. Tammy's lab partner was absent so she joined in with me and Joey. It was fun.
Bob: Okay, enough.
Linda: Oilies, soapies, extra-expensive toilet paper...
Teddy: I love that soft stuff.
Bob: I thought we were doing this to make extra-money. Isn't all this eating into our profits?
Linda: Don't worry, Bob. It's gonna be money and online reviews and when I die and I go to heaven. God's gonna say "Hey, aren't you the lady who rented the b&b I heard about? And I'm gonna say, "Yes, God. What can I get you?" 
Louise: Here, hold this.
Linda: Mm, smell. Come on, smell it.
Bob: You're shoving things in my nose.
Linda: Smell this one now.
Bob: You always do this, Lin. Whenever you entertain, you put way too much effort into it and drive yourself crazy.
Linda: What are you talking about? I'm a wonderful hostess.
Bob: No, Linda. You go overboard and then if people aren't appreciative enough, you snap.
Linda: That's not true. I'm a gifted hostess and I'm ready to go pro.
Tina: It is really soft.
Linda: Put it back on the roll, please.
Louise: But, mom, what if we just put Tina by the toilet? 
Gene: Yeah.
Tina: I don't mind.
Linda: Almost check-in time. Tina, Gene, are your rooms guest-ready? 
Tina: Yeah.
Gene: Subjective.
Louise: Remember when you made fun of me for moving into a closet? Well now you suckers have to give up your room and I don't.
Linda: A guest! Javi is an entomologist.
Javed: Javed. 
Linda: What?
Javed: My name is Javed.
Linda: Alright. What kind of doctor is and entomologist again? Glands, butt?
Javed: Ha, I'm not a butt doctor. I study insects, specifically the mating habit of the myfungal beetle.
Linda: Oh. So what brings you here?
Javed: Myfungal beetles feed on fungus, and this town has a very, very high potency of fungus.
Bob: Uh, that's actually our town motto.
Gene: Fungus town!
Linda: Tina, why don't you show Javeeed...
Javed: Javed.
Linda: His room Jav-ed?
Javed: Javed.
Linda: You'll be in the equestrian suite! Huh?
Javed: Okay.
Bob: That's great he brought a bug in a jar into our house.
Linda: Don't be racist!
Tina: I decorated it myself.
Javed: You Like horses a lot.
Tina: You like jars.
Javed: Oh, these are specimen jars. I intend to mate the queen with a male and preserve her eggs.
Tina: You mean you're gonna watch beetles have sex with each other?
Javed: Mm-hmm.
Tina: Cool. What's that for?
Javed: Ooh, this is a synthetic pheromone. It's similar to what the queen emits when she wants to attract males.
Tina: Does it work on human boys?
Javed: Oh, no. Well, maybe. May I store these in the bathroom?
Tina: Sure. Everyone would love that.
Linda: More guests! Welcome! You must be Ed and Nora Samuels!
Ed Samuels: Yes. Hello.
Laura Samuels: Hi.
Linda: Come on, come in. I'll give you the tour. Okay, this is the salon. This is where we're gonna have the meet-and-greet, and you're just in time!
Ed: Uh...
Laura: Actually, we'd just like to go to our room, if that's okay?
Ed: Right. We'd just like to get settled.
Linda: What? Why? Stay here for the meet-and-greet.
Ed: Maybe we'll come back out in a bit.
Linda: No, stay. It's gonna be fun. Tina, get Javeed!
Tina: I think he's napping.
Linda: Wake him up! So, let's go around and we'll, um, we'll play a little game. Let's say what our most embarrassing moment was. Who wants to go? I'll go. One time I coughed at communion, and the wafer flew right out of my mouth and it landed on my boob! Who wants to go next? Javed?
Javed: I'll take a pass. Get me on the next one.
Louise: What about when dad got a perm?
Bob: It wasn't a perm; It was a body wave.
Linda: You looked like Barbra Streisand in the main event.
Louise: You looked like Barbra Streisand's pubes.
Bob: I did.
Tina: How about how dad says gracias in Mexican restaurants? That's embarrassing.
Linda: Remember the time you asked me to check your prostate and you made a poopie?
Bob: Linda!
Louise: Oh, remember when dad tried to go jogging?
Bob: Oh, come on!
Gene: What about when dad cried at the end of about Schmidt?
Bob: Gene, why are you in your underwear?
Gene: I was eating. What, you want me to get butter all over my clothes?
Louise: Yeah. Now we just take him out back and hose him off.
Gene: You're a doctor is this a mole?
Javed: I'm not a doctor. And that's a raisin.
Gene: Oh edible mole.
Linda: All right, let's let someone else go. Samuels, how about you, what's your most embarrassing moment?
Laura: I don't know. This?
Ed: Yeah, definitely this.
Linda: Hm.
Laura: Are we done?
Linda: Yes, I guess we are done, Nora.
Ed: Are you sure there aren't any rooms available anywhere else?
Javed: No, everything's booked I checked. Ooh, hello.
Linda: Hm.
Gene: I'm cold. My nipples are so pointy! Ding-dong! It's for you.
Laura: Mm-mm.
Gene: Mm-mm.
Laura: Mm-hmm.
Gene: It might be a package You should answer it.
Linda: Yecch!
Bob: Lin, stop stewing and go to sleep.
Linda: I can't help it, Bob! Our guests are such party poopers. All of 'em! No one has any b&b spirit at all!
Bob: Okay, just go to sleep, all right? You'll feel better in the morning.
Linda: Fine! Gene, Gene, your foot is down the back of my underwear.
Gene: It's warm down there My feet are cold.
Bob: Yes, but it's my ass.
Tina: Dad, are you still awake?
Bob: Yes, Tina. I was just talking to Gene, right? A second ago?
Tina: Do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads?
Bob: Oh, my God. I don't know. Tina, go to sleep.
Gene: Dad, do you want any chicken? Don't tell anyone There's just enough for the two of us.
Bob: Just go to sleep, all of you. I'm glad our guests are comfortable, Linda, 'cause this is great!
Linda: Oh! Our guests! They'll appreciate me. I'll just have to try harder next time. 
Gene: Hey! I've got a backup.
Bob: I've never been so happy to be at work.
Teddy: Yeah, you opened early today, huh, Bob?
Bob: Well, there was a line to get into the bathroom up in the apartment, so I came down here to do my morning routine in the slop sink.
Linda: Bob, do we have any toothpicks down here?
Bob: Yeah, over there.
Linda: Pretty ones?
Bob: What do you mean, pretty ones, Lin?
Linda: The nice ones.
Teddy: How's the b&b going, Linda?
Linda: Oh, it's great! Why? What'd you hear?
Teddy: What? Nothing. I bet it's magical up there. I picture it like England.
Linda: It is, Teddy, it is. But do they appreciate it? Holed up in their rooms like dirty little gophers?
Teddy: Why come to a b&b if you're not gonna participate, you know?
Linda: Oh, they're so ungrateful!
Teddy: I wish I was staying at your b&b. I'd sit in the parlor, and maybe I'd have a little wine, play some board games...
Linda: Yes! Wine! Games! Teddy, you should stay here.
Teddy: What?
Linda: You should. You're the dream guest.
Teddy: Really?
Linda: You're the one I'm looking for!
Teddy: Do you have any vacancies?
Linda: Yes! Louise's room!
Bob: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Linda, Louise's room? She'd murder us.
Linda: She's a big girl She'll get over it.
Bob: Linda, she won't get over it When you vacuumed in there, she wouldn't talk to you for a week. Plus, it's not even a room; It's, like, a closet.
Teddy: That sounds perfect for me I don't need a lot of room. I'll just bring, like, one outfit. 
Linda: Oh, I love it!
Teddy: I'll get my stuff.
Linda: This is gonna be great!
Bob: Well, have fun telling Louise you're kicking her out of her room, Lin. Wear a helmet.
Louise: Ah, ha, ha What are you doing?
Linda: Oh, hi, Louise. I was just...
Louise: Oh, hi, mom.
Linda: Hello.
Louise: You're holding my stuff.
Linda: Hello, my little lady.
Louise: Hello, mom. What are you doing with my stuff?
Linda: I was just welcoming our newest bed-and-breakfast guest into your room.
Louise: Into my room?
Linda: Say hello to Teddy!
Teddy: Hi, Louise. You got wonderful stuff in here. I love, love, love it!
Louise: What?
Teddy: Except for this little guy; he's kind of giving me the creeps.
Louise: This isn't happening! Mother, this isn't happening, right? Has the world gone crazy?!
Linda: Okay, come on, Louise. Let's leave our guest alone.
Louise: You mean your guest, 'cause I did not invite Teddy to come into my room and move my stuff around!
Linda: That's right. Come on. See you in a little bit at the wine-and- cheese mixer, Teddy.
Teddy: Sounds good, Linda.
Louise: And I'll see you in hell, Teddy.
Linda: I'm sorry, Teddy.
Louise: I will see you in hell!
Linda: Where are the Samuels? The cheese is getting sweaty.
Gene: They're in their room. I think they're jumping on the bed. I heard the box spring going crazy.
Teddy: Sounds like they're "busy."
Linda: They should be busy eating cheese and sipping wine.
Gene: What do you mean, they're busy? Like, they got homework?
Linda: No. They're... it's...
Gene: Busy jumping, they can't take a jumping break?
Linda: Ah, Javay! You came back for the wine and cheese! You got to catch up. Chug! Chug! Chug!
Tina: Whoa, look at all those males.
Javed: Yes, Tina! One of these lucky bugs will mate with the queen, and then she will bite off his head.
Tina: So romantic.
Linda: Cheese?
Javed: No, thank you.
Linda: Eat it.
Javed: Mm-mm.
Linda: Aw, have some.
Javed: Mm-mm, mm-mm.
Linda: Open your mouth. Open the mouth.
Javed: Mm, mm.
Linda: Just try it. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.
Gene: It's really good.
Linda: Gene, you're over your limit!
Javed: Well, I hate to miss wine and cheese, but it's time for these little fellas to meet their mates. Bye-bye.
Tina: Wait. I want to watch.
Teddy: Well, I'll tell you, Linda, I'm having the time of my life. You're not gonna hear me whining about it. Hey, "whine."
Linda: Everyone should be here for this! They don't know what they're missing!
Louise: I heard the... joke from the... hallway.
Linda: Do you like that, Louise?
Louise: Yeah. Oh, it was... was really funny! Get out of my room.
Teddy: I'm your guest in your room. Did you talk to your mommy?
Louise: It's not my mommy's room; it's my room.
Teddy: No, I know, and I paid $75, and I'm just going to stay in your room for a couple of nights.
Linda: Louise, put some cheese in your mouth.
Louise: Mmm.
Linda: Mmm, isn't that delicious?
Louise: Yeah, it really goes down easy, doesn't it, Teddy?
Teddy: Ow.
Louise: Just so you know, Teddy, you have one hour, then I get real. If I were a pheromone, where would I be? Aha!
Linda: Good night, Javee!
Javed: Oh! Uh... Good night. Crazy lady. She's a nut. Am I right? Oh, you're bad! 
Linda: Good night, Teddy!
Teddy: Good night, Linda!
Linda: Sleep tight!
Teddy: Sleep tighter, Lin.
Linda: Don't let the bed bugs bite!
Teddy: I won't. Hey, my pillow smells funny. 
Linda: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Good night, Samuels! Oh, woo! I'm sorry! I'm sorry.
Ed: Hey!
Laura: Oh, my God! Oh, God! Could you please close the door?
Ed: Yeah. Oh, my God.
Linda: Okay. Sorry. Sorry.
Laura: No. With you on the other side of it.
Linda: Okay. All right. All right.
Laura: Leave!
Gene: Why is Mr. Samuels wearing handcuffs?
Linda: They are... They are escape artists.
Gene: They are?!
Linda: Yes. Isn't that interesting? Okay, time for bed. Let's go. 
Gene: All right, Louise, since you're new here, I'll show you the ropes. That corner of the bed is for eating. This right here is the exercise area. 
Tina: This is where I thrash.
Louise: Yeah. I'll stand, thank you very much. Here we go. Have you talked to your mommy? Why don't you talk to your mommy, Teddy? About your new roommates.
Linda: Where is everybody? Careful, Bob. I reused the cheese from yesterday. Some of the omelets have toothpicks in them.
Bob: Ow. Ow. Ah.
Linda: Oh, good morning, Javee! I hope you and your bugs are hungry.
Javed: My appetite is gone, along with several of my specimen jars. They contained my most virile males.
Tina: Oh, no.
Linda: Ah, little insects with wings. How far could they go?
Teddy: Hey, guys. What? Do I have bed head?
Bob: Oh, good God, Teddy.
Javed: My beetles!
Linda: Aah! 
Teddy: What? 
Gene: Teddy, you've got beetles all over your face.
Teddy: Is that right? I haven't looked in the mirror yet.
Javed: These males are in an extremely amorous state.
Bob: You mean, right now they're trying to mate with Teddy's face? 
Javed: Yes.
Tina: Aw.
Linda: Oh, God, Ted. Does it hurt?
Teddy: Nope. Nope. Don't worry about it.
Louise: Teddy, you should probably get to the hospital. You okay to drive?
Teddy: No, I don't need a hospital. I'll be fine. This is still a magical weekend.
Linda: Aw. You know? He's the perfect guest.
Teddy: What's for breakfast? 
Linda: Eggs!
Louise: Ugh! Nothing gets to this guy.
Linda: You! I don't know how, but you did this.
Javed: I know how she did it. She used my pheromones on him.
Bob: Okay, well, uh, Linda, everyone, have fun in the b and b. I'll be downstairs in the restaurant. Bye.
Gene: Bye, dad.
Linda: No! You deal with her! She's out of control!
Bob: Okay. Uh, give her her room back.
Linda: No!
Bob: Well, that's all I got. Bye.
Linda: Louise! You're grounded. Go to your room.
Louise: Gladly. That's all I ever wanted.
Linda: No, I mean my room. Go to my room.
Louise: You can't make me.
Linda: Oh, yes, I can, miss Missy.
Louise: I guess you can.
Javed: I've never seen these beetles so aroused.
Teddy: I have that affect on beetles. I haven't had this much action in a while. Are they gonna call me tomorrow? Probably not, right? That's okay.
Gene: Teddy. Making jokes, covered with bugs. You are a man! Damn you! Does anything get to you?
Teddy: There's really only one thing.
Gene: Yeah? 
Teddy: Costumed characters. You know, like the ones in amusement parks.
Tina: Really?
Gene: Why?
Teddy: It's the eyes, Gene. Their cold, dead eyes. Watching you while they make love to your wife.
Gene: While they what?!
Teddy: I mean... When they uh Go to birthday parties.
Gene: All right.
Louise: Thank you, Teddy. Oh, thank you, mom's purse. Well, thank you, phone. Yes, I will make a call.
Bob: Oh, I gotcha. Oh, you're sizzling. I love your sound. 
Louise: Oh, hello. You have costumed characters, right? Oh, that's great. Ah, I'll take the hippo, the fox...
Linda: Here's a cookie. Here's a cookie.
Louise: A baby bear....
Linda: And here's a cookie.
Louise: And this will be credit card.
Linda: Brought you some cookies! What's going on here?
Ed: Ah, we have to go home.
Linda: What are you talking about? You can't leave. You're on vacation. Sit down, enjoy the cookies, unpack your pointy bra and your whip and whip him. He's a naughty boy.
Ed: I'm a naughty boy.
Linda: Get to it!
Laura: Did you just lock the door? She just locked the door. 
Ed: I... I don't know what's going on.
Linda: You can come out when it's time for the ice cream social! You, too! Hey, there's my perfect guest.
Teddy: Hey, Linda.
Linda: I got good news. I'm upgrading you to platinum status!
Teddy: Oh! Platinum status. That sounds fancy.
Linda: It is! You hungry? You want some room service?
Teddy: No. Eh, I guess I can eat. 
Linda: What do you want?
Teddy: Uh... bacon burger?
Linda: What?
Teddy: Bacon burger. Bacon...
Linda: First-first word.
Teddy: Bacon.
Linda: One syllable.
Tina: No. Two syllables.
Linda: Two syllables.
Teddy: Oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink, oink!
Linda: A pig.
Tina: Dinosaur.
Linda: Bacon! 
Teddy: Bacon burger.
Gene: Kevin bacon.
Linda: Second word.
Teddy: Burger.
Gene: Break pads?
Tina: Dinosaur.
Gene: Jurassic park!
Gene: Charades!
Tina: You can't guess charades.
Gene: Yes, you can.
Tina: Oh. Is it charades?
Linda: Cow. Burger! Burger. Bacon burger! All right. Yes. Bacon burger! All right. I can do that. Uh, doorbell. I'll get it. 
Gene: Oh, footloose.
Linda: Can I... can I help you?
Fox: Is there a Teddy here? 
Linda: Teddy, you've got visitors.
Teddy: One Second. 
Animals: We're the fuzzy buddies! Are you Teddy?
Teddy: What's going on here?! No!
Animals: Someone's excited to see the fuzzy buddies. Whoa. You're a big boy oh!
Bob: Oh, my God! Teddy.
Linda: It's almost the ice cream social.
Bob: Linda, what is going on up here? You're losing control of your b and b.
Linda: What are you talking about? Everything is going perfectly.
Bob: Right. Right, Lin, everything's fine.
Teddy: Bob, do you have my bacon burger?
Bob: Oh, yeah, the bacon burger. Here.
Teddy: Oh. Bob, can you help me? I can't chew.
Bob: You need me to feed you?
Teddy: Yeah
Linda: Chew it up for him, like a mama bird.
Bob: Linda, no!
Linda: He's platinum status!
Bob: You're crazy, Linda!
Teddy: It's all right, guys. I got it.
Linda: Perfect guest.
Bob: So let me get this straight. Teddy beat up a bunch of giant animals. You locked Louise in our room, and then you locked the guests in their rooms?
Linda: They were gonna leave before the big ice cream social at 3:00.
Bob: Lin, just give me the key, all right? I'm gonna let them out.
Linda: No.
Bob: Yes.
Linda: No.
Bob: Look at yourself. Look at what you've turned into!
Linda: Oh, all right. All I wanted was a charming bed and breakfast, that's all. Now what am I gonna say to God when I go to heaven? Uh. (Gasps) Uh-oh. I lost the key! Oh, my God, what have I done?
Bob: All right, all right, listen. You know Louise picks locks.
Linda: Louise hates me.
Bob: No, she doesn't hate you, Lin. I'm sure she's broken out of our room already.
Linda: Oh.
Bob: I'm gonna go deal with Teddy. Why don't you try her room? 
Linda: Okay. Hi, honey. It's mommy. 
Louise: Oh, hello, mother. Please do come in.
Linda: Louise, I'm sorry I rented your room to Teddy and then locked you in our bedroom.
Louise: I accept your apology, mom. Who among us hasn't gone a little overboard from time to time?
Linda: Aw, thanks, sweetie. And you're gonna apologize to Teddy.
Louise: Okay.
Linda: And there's something else I need from you.
Louise: I would just cut it up right now.
Linda: Oh. No, not that. Will you please help me get Javed and the Samuels out of their rooms? I locked them in and I I kind of lost the key.
Louise: There might be something I can do.
Linda: Javed, I'm sorry I locked you in your room. You're free to go if you wish.
Javed: You locked me in my room?
Linda: No.
Javed: She's completely bonkers, isn't she? Look at me when I'm talking to you!
Linda: They're gone. How did they get out of a locked room?
Gene: It was their greatest escape. Look what they left behind. Look. My tongue is trapped. Now it's escaped. Now it's trapped. Now it's escaped.
Louise: Hey, look! They're still climbing down.
Linda: You two all right? You need any help with your bags?
Ed: No. Uh, actually we're stuck.
Laura: Please help us.
Linda: I suppose we could get a ladder. How much did you like my b and b?
Ed: A lot.
Linda: Are you gonna recommend us to your friends?
Laura: Yes!
Linda: Are you gonna leave me your e-mail address?
Both: Yes!
Linda: Get 'em the ladder.
Bob: Uh, thanks for coming. Sorry. Sorry again. Ah, here's something for your trouble.
Bear: Two dollars. Thanks a lot.
Bob: I don't know what to tip in this situation.
Bear: Yeah. Not two dollars.
Bob: Oh, hey, Teddy. Ah, you all right?
Teddy: I think I worked through my issues, Bob. Me and the owl! We're gonna go get a drink. I'm pretty sure there's a woman inside.
Bob: That's a guy, Teddy.
Teddy: Oh, that's a woman.
Bob: The owl was a guy.
Teddy: It's a woman.
Bob: The fox was a girl.
Teddy: Oh. Did the fox leave already?
Bob: Yes.
Teddy: Oh. Linda, you are a delightful hostess. 
Linda: Aw, thanks, Teddy! 
Teddy: See you at lunch, Bob. 
Linda: Well, that was all right. It was pretty good. I give us a b. B plus. A b and b plus!
Gene: My face is sweaty.
Linda: Gene, take that off. 
Gene: Never! Oh! Oh! Ow! Ow! Aah!
Category:Transcripts