Pillar John

Pillar John is a stone type Pokémon. He is known as the Column Pokémon due to being used by Professor Oak in half of his spreadsheets. Pillar John evolves into Nosepass at level 16, but will evolve into Mr. Noseybonk if given the Clown Stone. Pillar John cannot learn Fly despite being a flying type. The base moves for Pillar John are: Rock Slide, Surf, and Swords Dance. Pillar John is in the Mineral breeding group. Pillar John will learn Koopa­back­dash­wave­slide Hover­walk­moon­land at age 3.
Pillar John has appeared as a card, in which he has 50 hp, the least of its category, however, makes up for it with his high defense stat of 143, tied with Kyogre for the highest in Kanto. Due to his low speed stat, Pillar John cannot move. Because of this, he gets beat up all the time and thus is a miserable piece of shit. Despite this, Pillar John's biggest weakness is being carved into a football, and is competitively unviable because every Pokémon from HowToBasic knows how to do that.
Pillar John's favorite food is rare treasure, but he used to like Toppins too. That was before the Toppins Girl Mod came out and he got accused of being a creep. For this he is also one of the bad guys from Pizza Tower. Peppino beats him at the end of every level because he's just as bad as the koopa at the end of every castle.
Pillar John is one of the last remaining Johns in the UnUniverse. Not in the UnMultiverse though, because there's an UnUniverse where pillars and humans are replaced, and Pillar Johns are like the white Europeans of that dimension called the Johnverse. His one and only friend is Gerome, another John.
== Life ==
Pillar John started his life as a standard John pillar in roman architecture. There were a lot of other Johns too, some that were defenders and not pillars. Those guys could actually move. But then in about 0, Sparta started to fall like a Mama Luigi waiting for a Magic Balloon. Barbarians started surrounding bvildings (remember that U wasn't invented yet) with barbed wires, and started turning them into barbeques, killing most non-moving Johnhs. The only other Pillar John to survive the fall of Rome was Pillar John Cena, mostly because he had a high stealth stat. That was before Pizzaface found him and stuffed him into his Pizza Tower. There, he was forced to... actually, this was fine for him. He did what pillars usually do and he was okay with that.
But then some vegetable called "a pepino" came by and decided to be the super villain and kill him a bunch of times. He decided he'd do a no-mercy run on the Johns and kill them all to death. He killed Pillar John so much he couldn't respawn anymore, and thus died. But Peppino gave him his leftovers, and made Pillar John alive again (with legs this time) He forgave him and beat the shit outta Pizzahead.
Pillar John and Gerome built a house together out of their dead friends brick and mortar, and used it to build a portal outta this gutter and into the Johnverse. In the Johnverse, they found Pillar John's human counterpart Thanos and brought him to the UnWorld. Pillar John and Gerome were both going to organize a revolution to get a bunch of other Johns to the UnWorld to kill everybody, but after Thanos said he'd take care of the humans by killing them with the Infinity Stones, the gang decided to stay and just destroy all humans in the Johnverse instead.
Category:Guys
Category:Lazy people
Category:Stuff
Category:Things
Category:Good guys
Category:Bad guys
Category:Easily defeatable
Category:Dead guys
Category:Very dead guys
Category:Very VERY Dead guys
Category:IT'S A STONE LUIGI, YOU DIDN'T MAKE IT
Category:Pokemon