Paws of Fury: The Legend of Hank/Transcript

[Paramount Pictures]
[Nickelodeon Movies]
In a world where only cats were living
Where the heroes ran in short supply
To a land so harsh and unforgiving
Rode a hero, the Blazing Samurai
When one town was found to be in danger
From the evil-doers dropping by
Who appeared? That brave and mighty stranger
To save the day came the Blazing Samurai
Sent by the Shogun with arrows and blowgun
His nunchucks could poke out an eye
Trained in bushido, the samurai’s credo
He mastered aikido, he really was one awesome guuuuuy
He was legend with his sword a swinging
Villains feared his fearsome battle cry
Conquered hate with justice he was bringing
He took a stand 
To save the land
Praise the Blazing Samurai
[Cat soldiers run into the title and wreck it. The still hanging “R” falls on the flabby cat]
Where did that come from?
The title department.
Yah!
That blue should be more blue, blue.
Huh? Oh!
That's wrong.
Ahh!
You can't climb those. Start again.
Do you like these?
No!
Ahh!
How's everything coming along?
The Shogun is coming to visit in one week. Everyone knows he's trying to decide who his successor will be. And if I have anything to do with it, it'll be me. I've spared no expense making this the grandest palace in the land. Imported mice to chase. Fine couches to ruin. I even got first and second largest balls of yarn in the world.
My, you have big balls.
And the crown jewel of the palace, my state-of-the-art bathroom. Behold, the future! [A giant jade toilet] I call it the Super Bowl. Because that's what it is, a super bowl!
Impressive.
I hope the Shogun thinks so. The only thing left to solve is our little problem.
- Kakamucho?
- Precisely.
What do you do when you're a landlord and you have tenants you really hate?
You evict them.
But the town's been there for thousands of years.
I give you an order, and you give me facts? Really? The only fact I'm interested in is that that hairball of a town is ruining my magnificent view. We've got to wipe them off the map in order to make this palace absolutely perfect. 
But what about the Samurai that's there to protect them?
Just get rid of their samurai! The fraidy cats will follow. But make sure it can’t be traced back to me.
Bandits!
You warn the others,
I'll get the samurai.
Stranger danger!
Stranger danger!
Stranger danger!
What?
Stranger danger!
Huh?
Stranger danger!
Stranger danger!
Mr Samurai, Mr Samurai!
Bad cats are coming.
We need your help!
I've got this.
I know exactly what to do.
Samurai! We're coming for you!
Bring it on, bandits!
Yah!
[The samurai runs off, only his sword spinning and flopping over].
Townsfolk: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Oh no! Ah!
I know these events look dire,
but we must stand on
our own four legs and fight.
This is our home.
It is the sacred place where our kittens were born, and where we will one day join our ancestors
in a shoebox buried behind the garage.
Dr Katz, you have something to say?
No, I just got a hairball.
What we need is a samurai.
We still can't find the last one. We even put up posters.
What we need is a new samurai!
Not it!
No! Think!
Where did we get our old samurai?
Samurais-R-Us?
No! From the Shogun!
So, why don't we ask
the Shogun to send us a new one?
OK, I've got it.
Why don't we ask the Shogun
to send us a new one? Eh?
Work, work, work. Let's see...
what's on the agenda today?
Cat fights on the western front.
Cat scratch fever breaking out
in the east.
What's this? Our sacred soil has been soiled by a dog who crossed the border?
Probably a border collie.
Fortunately he's been apprehended.
Oh well, you break the law,
you pay the price.
It's not personal,
it's just business.
And you know what they say,
there's no business
like Shogun business.
Urgent message! Ive got an urgent message! Straight from the cats of Kakamucho!
Well, spit it out!
An urgent tweet from Kakamucho?
Hmm...
"Bandits ravaging village. Stop.
We need a new samurai. Stop.
This reign of terror has to stop.
Stop."
OK, tell them I'll send someone right away.
Marmalade, Marmalade, I need to make a call. Get me what's-his-name.
I have Ika Chu on line two.
Oh, good, good. Very good, yes, yes.
Pikachu, how's it going?
Pikachu, how's it going?
Peek-a-boo, how's it going?
Peek-a-who, how's it going?
Peek a you Baby poo.
Coo-ca roo.
Scooby Doo.
Slappy do.
How's it going?
Pikachu, how's it going?
It's Ika Chu, my divine fabulousness. I'm so excited and grateful that you will honor me with your presence for the unveiling of my latest creation. I promise to amaze you.
Listen, I gave you a call 'cause I just got this urgent appeal from the town of Kakamucho. Seems they've been set upon by bandits! Can't have ordinary law-abiding cats terrorised, can we?
Of course we can't,
your worshipfulness.
Well, I promised 'em
we'd send a new samurai,
and I'm putting you
in charge of it, Nike Shoe.
Oh sir, I'm so excited
and grateful...
Good, good. And don't forget,
I'll be there next week
to see my new palace.
Looking forward to you
knocking my socks off!
Hey, I'm going to have to put
you on hold. Here, hold this.
No, no, no!
Oh, this could ruin everything.
Send a new samurai to Kakamucho?
I just got rid of the last one!
I have to do what the Shogun says,
but...
in a way that will benefit me!
Yes, that's it! I need a new plan.
But what can that plan be?
Why am I asking you?
Alright, get up. It's time.
Here, this is for you.
- Oh, what's that for?
- Oh, that.
That's for your execution.
What?! But I haven't done anything!
Wh... I don't understand.
You came to this country illegally.
It's strictly "no dogs allowed".
Didn't you know? Cats hate dogs.
Wait, but dogs are lovable.
How could you hate a dog?
My dad hated dogs
and that's good enough for me.
It's not really based on logic.
It just feels right to hate,
you know?
Hey, makes sense to me.
Now severing number one.
Number one.
Number one.
I don't wanna!
What?
I don't want to do that,
I don't want to go up there.
OK then. You don't have to.
Really? Thank you!
Of course!
I mean, what are we, barbarians?
Archers!
I'm trying to think up here!
I know you've got a lot
of prisoners to kill,
but please, can you keep it down?
Sorry!
Yeah, thank you!
Huh?
There he goes!
Yah!
Hey, can't we just talk this out?
I don't speak dog!
But wait, we're communicating
right now.
No, we're not!
You just understood me.
No, I didn't.
You should never have come here,
dog! You don't belong!
There he is!
Phew!
Dog-gone it!
Plan... plan...
What I need... Yes!
I'll send the worst samurai in the entire world, and he'll do a terrible job.
But where do you look for something truly bad?
Wait! Please!
I only came to your country to learn to be a samurai!
As if a dog could ever become a Samurai. Pft. Never!
A dog. 
[it hits him] A dog! 
HOLD YOUR FIRE!
Aww...
Nice save.
Always happy to lend a hand.
Hi, there! Who's a good dog?
Yeah, who's a good dog,
who's a good dog?
Does this mean
you're not going to kill me?
On the contrary!
Let's talk about
what you can do for me.
I am offering to make you
the new samurai of Kakamucho.
Kakamucho? What's that?
In the way.
But that's not as important
as you are
at this lucky, lucky moment.
Are you sure I'm ready
to defend an entire town?
Maybe I should start out
as a mall samurai.
What?!
No, no!
Time to get my new samurai
to Kakamucho
so he can hurry up and die-eeve...
Dive... right in!
Whoa, uh...
So do I get a...
badge or a certificate
or you know,
something official-like?
Huh?
There you go,
makes it all official.
Wow! A samurai cup.
Yes, they've all got one.
Just show that around.
"Wow, he's got a cup!
He's a samurai!
We better do what he says."
Well, better get going.
That town isn't gonna samurai itself.
But I don't know where I'm going!
Don't worry, the horse knows.
He's got GPS. Giddy up... Positioning... System.
Why are you sending the dog to defend Kakamucho?
They will kill him.
And the orphanage said you would never speak.
Yes, they will kill him. And killing an official samurai, why, that's against the law!
I would have to arrest all of them.
And that would leave no one in
the town where I want no one.
You did know where we were going.
It's the latest thing.
It's called a gun.
Is it dangerous?
Don't be silly.
Guns don't kill cats.
Cars and curiosity kill cats.
What's a car?
Careful, you're being curious.
He's coming, he's coming!
Ya!
There he is! The new samurai!
The new samurai is a d...
He's a what?
The new samurai is a d...
The new samurai is a dong?
"Welcome to Kakamucho."
Whew! OK, here goes nothing.
Welcoming committee?
Maybe this won't be so bad.
OK, first day on the job.
Make eye contact, smile...
It's a dog!
He's going to ruin everything!
Let's kill him before the new samurai arrives!
Sic him!
Whoa! Oof!
Get him!
Tear him up!
Sit!
Now that's what I call
"woking" the dog!
Yeah, 'cause she hit that dog
with a wok!
Uh, is he dead?
Hey, hey, see if he has any snacks
in his pockets.
Oh, it's a trick!
He's playing dead! Bad doggy!
Dang it!
Sic him!
Wait, wait.
Can we just talk for one minute?
Shut up, dog!
I am the new samurai! I am!
Look, here's my cup!
Let him have it!
Stop!
He is the new samurai!
It says he's been appointed
by the Shogun himself!
Well that is... Wow.
I did not see that coming.
Give me that!
You must be confused, little girl.
Ugh! Well, this is certainly
disappointing.
What is?
I can't read.
She's right. It's official.
So, we cannot kill him?
- Yeah, no.
- Aww!
Yeah, I know, I know,
we're all disappointed.
But we can still hate him, right?
- Absolutely.
- Yay!
You are, number one, not a cat.
Number two, you are a dog,
so that goes back
to you not being a cat.
And C, you are definitely
not a samurai,
because you are a dog,
and that goes back to you
not being a cat!
Go back where you came from,
car chaser!
Again! What's a car?
Stop being curious!
You'll kill us all!
Hi?
Hi.
Are you really a dog?
Yes. I am a dog.
Told you.
Hmm mm!
I didn't know dogs
could be samurai.
Well, they can, and I...
Wait, why not?
Your sword's on backwards.
No it's not, actually.
Is it?
Do you know how this
is supposed to go?
I know a few things
about samuraiing.
Fair enough.
How about I deputise you
as my official assistant?
Bad dog! Don't talk to him!
Did you touch him?
Time to use our hand sanitizers.
No! No! No! Dog gammit!
What kind of a world do we live in where good and upright citizens can't be counted on to kill someone just because they look different?!
We could try beating them up again.
Only problem is
they still have a samurai.
You're kidding me, right?
He's a Labradork.
Put his tail between his legs
and let's finish this!
OK, here goes nothing.
Ooh!
Ooh!
Ow!
Wow.
Excellent!
That's right, I'm a samurai now!
Take that! Take that!
Oh, yeah!
Whoa! Oof!
How about a little nip?
A little catnip?
Um, I don't think I...
Fine, more for me.
Who are you?
My friends call me Jimbo.
And since I have no friends...
I guess...
you can call me Jimbo too.
I guess that works either way.
Well, Jimbo, I'm Hank,
and I'm the new samurai.
New samurai, huh?
You know your sword's on backwards?
Oh, and I suppose you know
everything because you're a samurai?
Well, I know you're not.
Why? Because I'm a dog?
No. Because you're an idiot.
No real samurai would be
caught dead wearing that.
Is that a bathrobe?
You get that from a hotel?
You're not a samurai, are you?
I know, right? I'm not!
I came here to learn
to be a samurai,
and then I got this job,
but I don't have
the slightest idea what I'm doing.
Hey, is there a book?
You know, an instruction manual,
like "How to be a Samurai"?
You mean "Samurai For Dummies"?
Yes!
No! That would be dumb.
Ow, ow, ow!
OK, that hurts! OK, ow! Ah!
Ow!
Pffff!
You better get out there.
It's samurai time...
...and you're the samurai, right?
Uh... it looks a little
dangerous out there.
Oh, yeah. Dangerous.
That's NWA out there.
Ninjas With Attitude.
But you go ahead. It'll be great.
You are the samurai!
Oh, look at that.
It's that mean old lady.
Yes, it is.
Now, I have to...
Yes, you do.
Maybe I can just go talk to them.
Yeah!
You know, work this out.
You should do that.
I will!
You go reason with them.
Uh...
Excuse me?
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me!
Get lost, dog. This is cat business.
Don't listen to him,
you guys are doing a great job!
Sword's still on the wrong side.
My eyes are up here.
Oh, right in the eye!
Interesting choice, using your face
to block those punches.
I wouldn't have considered that.
Yeah, well what do you know?
Enough not to get my butt kicked.
I gotta get some samurai training.
Oh, I don't think training
can help you.
It couldn't hurt!
What am I supposed to do?
If I were you,
I would consider going home.
Maybe being a lap dog.
I can't leave.
Sure you can!
I've got nowhere else to go!
It took everything I had
to come here.
Then it's "Hey, get shot full of
arrows or take this job",
so here I am! I've got to make
this samurai thing work!
I have to.
But first, I need to learn.
Sounds like you need a mentor.
Dog breath?
Not Mentos!
Mentor! A teacher!
To take you under his wing!
Teach you all he knows,
that kind of thing.
That's exactly what I need.
Perhaps a once-great samurai
who has fallen on hard times
and maybe could use
some help himself.
But where would I find one?
Hey, it's you!
What? Get outta here!
Who even made that?!
Don't believe everything you read.
This is traditionally
the place in a movie
where the hero meets
his big opportunity!
You're my guy. C'mon, train me!
But you're a dog.
Is that that what's bothering you?
There's a lot about you
that's bothering me.
Like, for instance,
how you got here.
It wasn't easy, that's for sure.
I had to cross impassable seas,
unclimbable mountains,
and really nasty midtown traffic.
But why do you want to be a samurai?
I was always the runt.
Everybody always picked on me.
I lived in a bad neighbourhood
in a bad part of town
full of bad dogs.
But this day,
something awesome happened.
He moved almost faster
than your eye could see.
Oh!
Whoa!
Ahh!
And then he was gone.
A Samurai in a strange land
took the time to help...
...me.
That's why I came here.
To learn to be just like him.
I even kept his sword.
I've been wondering
where that went. Thank you!
Wait a minute. That's your sword?
Then that means you're...
I don't want to talk about it.
But... will you train me?
Nope.
Why? Because you're so busy?
No. Because you're so brainless.
Argh! But I showed you my movie!
The whole flashback thing!
I don't believe it!
Ugh, I'm outta here.
And I never want to see you again.
Ugh!
You! How much did you hear?
Samurai Hank needs your help.
Are you not bound by your Samurai
Oath to help him?
You mean the one that says I can't
turn my back on those in need?
Yeah, that one.
No.
Maybe.
That's not what...
Stupid oath!
The cuteness is strong
with this one.
What's this?
It is a contract between a student,
you, and a teacher, me.
Uh, why do we need a contract?
Because at this moment,
it would be so nice
if I weren't here.
And if you break this contract,
I won't be.
Besides, it's very straightforward.
You swear to be brave, honourable,
protect those in need,
not seek glory,
finish what you started,
and always obey your master.
The Samurai Oath!
Yes.
And if you break it, our contract
is broken and you go home.
OK, should I have my attorney
look at this...
We don't have that kind of time!
Now sign here.
Defend yourself!
What...
What am I supposed to do
with a stick?
Lesson one: It is not
so important what you do,
as it is important
that you do something.
A warrior has cat-like reflexes.
I'm not a cat, I'm a dog!
Nobody's perfect.
Ouch!
Ahh!
Wait! That music!
Hey, this is the training montage,
isn't it?
Hey, can't we just skip ahead
to the part where I'm good?
No! This is my favourite part.
The part where you suffer.
Cross the river. Any way you can.
To a cat, nothing is unclimbable.
Did I mention I wasn't a cat?
Just make it to the other side
of the wall,
then you will be ready.
Wanna gimme a hand?
Very funny... ahh!
Don't forget to land on your...
...feet.
Whoa!
Nope.
Nope.
Ha!
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Haha... Nope!
Huh?
Ha!
I'm starting to think you don't
know what you're doing.
I know exactly what I'm doing.
I'm talking about training.
You said you could make me
a samurai.
I can 'make' you a pizza.
But I cannot make YOU into anything.
That power is only within yourself.
You said you would help me, 
not just whack me with stuff!
I've been whacked my whole life.
That's why I came here!
To learn to be a samurai!
Mmm... You want glory.
You know nothing
of being a true samurai.
I'm starting to think you don't
either!
And you know what? I don't even
believe you are a real samurai! Ha!
So, what happened to you?
How did you go from being
a samurai to a washed up loser
who drinks too much catnip,
has an obvious weight problem,
no real friends to speak of,
is pre-diabetic...
That's enough!
There was a time
I was chief bodyguard
of a very important
official named Toshiro Tyfune.
He was a real cool cat,
with greatness ahead of him.
Is this a flashback?
Don't interrupt me.
If it's a flashback try
the projector,
it really brings the thing to life.
I don't need the projector.
It's an old-fashioned remembering,
now stop interrupting!
We had been summoned to a meeting
late one night.
It was all very mysterious.
Just didn't feel right.
It's an ambush, get down!
Ahh!
Happy birthday?
I not only ruined the biggest night
of his life,
I spayed and neutered his in-laws.
I broke my Samurai Oath.
I was shamed.
That's why I left.
I'll make you a deal.
We'll help each other.
Not helpful.
Today, we begin something new.
I have learned I cannot teach a dog
to be a cat.
What I must do is teach a dog
to be a better dog.
What's that?
The blindfold is to help you focus.
Ah.
Now, listen.
Tell me what you hear.
I hear you talking...
and moving.
Good.
I hear a bird.
That's it.
I smell flowers, actually.
Dogs have a keen sense of smell
and excellent hearing.
I hear a dragonfly.
I smell wood burning.
I smell tea brewing.
Hey, are you making nachos?
'Cause someone just cut the cheese.
Lesson over. Well done.
In battle as in life...
a samurai strives
to maintain his balance.
Ha!
Oh!
And always defeats strength
with smart.
I can dig it!
You must control your fear,
or fear will control you.
It is a dance in which a samurai
controls his space and his body.
Ah!
Whoa!
What are you learning?
I don't like sticks as much
as I used to?
What are you learning in here?
It's not the size of the dog
in the fight,
it's the size
of the fight in the...
No! It IS the size of the dog
in the fight!
A big dog has fewer problems.
Let me demonstrate.
Hold this.
See? That wouldn't happen
to a big dog!
We're still behind schedule!
The Shogun will be here
within three days!
Oops.
Ahh!
I'm surrounded by imbeciles,
complete morons.
It must be so hard for you,
the patience and kindness
that you show.
Ohga, don't take this the wrong way,
OK?
But you are a total failure
and a major disappointment.
No offence.
None taken.
Constructive criticism
is always welcome...
Shh. I didn't expect much of you,
and you still disappointed me.
Listen, the cats of Kakamucho
are no closer to leaving
than when we started.
If you can't get the job done,
perhaps it's time
for a real professional.
Send in the beast!
Now get out.
Ooh!
Hmm...
Ahh!
Ommm!
Ugh!
Do you mind?
You're harshing my mellow.
Oh, sorry.
Teach me something!
How about patience?
Come on, teach me anything!
Seriously, let's do this!
I'm ready for it.
How about these?
You're not ready for those.
How hard could it be? Yah! Hwah!
- Ow!
- Samurai Hank!
Sumo is in town!
What's a sumo?
He's a giant. Samurai Hank,
you have to do something!
Right.
Oh-ho no! No, no, no, no, no way!
You are not ready, not even close.
OK, then we'll go together.
No, no, no! Not my job.
Not my fight,
and you are not prepared.
So, is someone going to do
something?!
Yeah, is someone gonna do something?
No, someone's not!
Ugh!
You know, she's gonna go over there.
Not my student. Not my problem.
Sword!
Ahh!
Hi-yah!
Ha!
Ahh!
Hi-yah!
Ahh!
Ha!
What are you doing? I had him!
I know you did,
but this is kinda my job. Ugh!
I could totally take that guy!
You should know that I am
a highly trained,
mostly trained warrior,
skilled in the ways
of karate and swordplay
as well as musical theatre.
In your own best interest,
you should surrender...
You're under arrest!
Ha!
Wait! Uh, you've got
something on your...
Ahh!
Sumo have edamame bean on face.
Sumo very allergic.
So, we're all good then?
Ha!
Jimbo?
Is your plan to let him hit you
until he gets tired?
Maybe.
Bold plan.
Ah, here he comes!
You wanted to be a samurai.
Fun, isn't it?
Go get 'em!
You can do it, Hank!
Ahh!
Hoo-ah!
He's told you his weakness.
Remember, you defeat strength
with smart.
Now get back out there!
Head in the game, Hank!
Ahh!
Huh?
Yeah!
That just happened!
I'm a bad dog!
Did you see what I just did there?
It was beautiful!
Mm-hmm, and I would say
congratulations,
but since you're already
doing that yourself...
let's get him to a doctor.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely. Gotta do that.
I might have really hurt him,
I mean, look at him!
Yah!
Yah!
Hmm...
Did that hurt?
Didn't feel a thing.
What about that?
Hmm... nope.
Huh? Uh...
Hey, listen. Sorry I had
to do all this to you.
Sometimes I'm surprised
by my own strength.
There's a new sheriff
in town, alright?
Better not let me catch you
breaking the law again, you feel me?
You're free to go.
No one ever beat Sumo before.
No one ever nice before.
Now have feelings for Hank.
Sumo want to live
in Kakamucho with Hank.
Well, who doesn't?
Safe town like this one
with great law enforcement? Ow!
Psst! It's for you.
I wanted to say thank you
for defeating Sumo.
And you are welcome.
Only one thing...
We can never talk on the street
or anything like that.
You know, just wouldn't
look right, you being a...
you know.
Yeah. I gotcha.
Here!
Thank... you.
You're Chuck, right?
Mmm, no...
Chuck! We have to go!
I have to go.
Samurai Hank?
We wanted to give you something.
We?
So... your mom wanted
to throw me a bone?
No. My mom said to hand it to you.
Now, why would she do that?
Well, if I threw it,
it might get on the ground
all dirty and icky.
No, what I meant is why would
she want to give me something?
To thank you for saving our town.
You are the best dog samurai
I have ever seen.
I am the only dog samurai
you have ever seen.
But I gotta say, you're kinda right.
I am mighty impressive,
as far as samurais go.
Are you all finished?
'Cause it's getting late,
and samurai needs his sleep.
Really looks like things
are turning around for me, eh?
You got lucky, kid.
Don't let it go to your head.
Luck? Please...
I should be registered
as a lethal weapon.
Pride goeth before a fall.
What do you mean,
your ninjas are afraid?
Um... since that dog defeated Sumo,
none of my cats want to...
The Shogun will be here
in two days! I don't care
if your ninja are afraid,
take them down to that
road block of a town
and really, just, ugh!
You know what I've done?
Your hair and a catty-pedi?
Yes, but no.
I've outsmarted my own self
by employing that dog.
Oh, nice. Me likey.
The problem with the good
citizens of Kakamucho is...
there are too many
good citizens in Kakamucho.
It's time to take care
of this mutt myself
with the ultimate weapon: me!
Ugh.
Sumo, like butterfly
that was once caterpillar,
fly like dandy-lion.
It's a hat.
And this one's a boat!
That is really good!
Oops, that was the hat.
What did you make?
A swan.
And some other stuff.
Oh wow, that's amazing.
You can make anything
out of folded paper.
Alright, make me a sandwich.
It's not a sandwich, but here...
I made you something.
For good luck.
It looks like me.
It will always remind you
of who you are.
Who you are? Let's concentrate
on who you are not!
And that would be a samurai!
Come on, Jimbo. We're just
enjoying a beautiful day.
The sun is shining,
birds are singing.
And besides, I deserve a break
for taking care of Sumo.
I mean, just look at him.
Butterfly, aww!
That's just the point,
you have one little itsy-bitsy,
tiny weeny bite of success...
I'm sorry, tiny what?
Tiny what, what?
What?
What?
What?
The point is, this is no time
for celebrating!
It's time to double your efforts
and train even harder!
Now, get to it!
Hank! My brawling, battling hero!
Oh, sorry.
I'm not bothering you. Am I?
No, no, no, I was just,
you know, getting a work out in.
Sure. Cor! Very impressive,
you defeating Sumo, oh, wow!
Aw, it was nothing.
Ah, sure it was...
nothing. Anyway, I came here
to invite you out on the town
to celebrate.
Tonight, I'm taking you
to the most exclusive club
in the country.
Even the members aren't allowed in.
Wow! Thank you!
But I can't go, I...
I promised my teacher I'd stay
focused on my training.
Right. Sounds like
your teacher is someone
who's unhappy and wants
everyone else to be unhappy too.
You know? Do you like fun?
You like fun, don't you?
Of course I like fun!
Fun is so fun!
Fun is fun, isn't it?
The clue is in the word.
Drive! Bye! See you later!
Have fun.
It's just one night.
It's not a big deal.
It is a big deal.
It's the only deal.
You committed to me to go
to the end,
and I did the same for you.
You are breaking your word.
I am not breaking my word.
We can start training again
tomorrow.
But tonight, I'm going to have
some fun with my boss.
I am your boss.
What?
I am your boss!
My boss?
I tell you what to do,
and you do it.
I thought you were my friend.
I am your teacher. Your mentor.
As I told you when we met,
I am not your friend!
A Samurai has only duty,
not friends!
Not my friend?
Well, that just sounds sad.
Like someone who is unhappy
and wants everyone else
to be unhappy too!
Well, I don't want to be unhappy!
I'm gonna go have some fun.
I hope you succeed in having fun,
because you have failed in everything else.
You know a lot about failure, don't you?
I defeated the unbeatable Sumo in battle and saved the town!
You can't even get a birthday party right.
Don't wait up.
Bow and Wow.
This place is awesome.
Where are you going?
Um... end of the line?
Are you kidding?
Hank, don't you get it?
There are no lines for you.
You are Samurai Hank,
the hero of Kakamucho!
Oh, my God! That's Samurai Hank!
The Hero of Kakamucho!
Vip? What's that mean?
V-I-P. Very important pooch.
After you.
I-I don't have any ID.
You have something better
than ID, you have celebrity!
Wait!
Can I have your autograph, Hank?
Um... sure?
Now this is what being
a top dog is all about.
Private table, Hank?
Dog treat, Hank?
Scratch behind your ears, Hank?
Oh, my God!
Can we take a picture with you?
You look hot.
Who licks your hair?
Thank you, Hank!
You're my favourite samurai!
Is it everything I promised?
Don't get me wrong,
this is all so fantastic.
It's just... You don't think that
I'm being a glory-seeker, do you?
Hank, never miss an opportunity
to pat yourself on the back.
Ahh! Heeyyyy!
And there's no other place
I would rather you be tonight!
Yah!
Ahh!
The ninjas are here! Samurai Hank!
The ninjas are... right here!
Ahh!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Good job. Well done.
Autograph, lovely touch.
There, little bonus for you.
Thank You. Thank you.
Good job. Well done.
Jimbo.
Yo, Jimbo?! Jimbo, you're OK?
What happened here?
The ninjas showed up again
last night.
And where were you?
Having fun with your boss.
What about you?
I failed my oath for the last time.
Where's my sword?
Right.
They've taken Sumo
to the fortress dungeon,
and now I'm going to get him back.
I'll go with you. We're both
samurai, and that's what we...
You are not samurai!
You were a selfish idiot.
Today, you are nothing.
You just don't want to admit
that I beat Sumo.
You never...
Do you really believe that?
Edamame was responsible
for your greatest victory.
Edamame?
What does that have to do...
I failed to teach,
and you failed to learn.
I've learned a lot from you.
Like when things get tough, you can
hide at the bottom of a bottle.
I'm sorry, Jimbo,
I-I didn't mean that.
Jimbo, you're on the horse
backwards.
Goodbye, Dog.
See you, Cat.
Where were you, great samurai?!
Hey, thanks for nothing!
'Cause guess what?
You did nothing!
And I'm thanking you sarcastically!
Good, I'm outta here.
Going to get on the first boat
and get home.
That's right. Go!
Emiko...
Go back home!
Maybe my mom was right.
Maybe dogs can't be samurai!
"It will always
remind you of who you are".
Ahh!
What are you doing here?
I couldn't help myself. I'm a dog.
That makes me loyal.
So, I'm here to make things right.
You really think you can
just come back here
and that makes everything OK?
As a matter of fact, I do.
I'm back!
You should be happy!
Well, I'm not.
And you might as well turn around
and go back where you came from.
I'm not going anywhere!
Sumo is in there, and I'm
not leaving until we get him out!
We can resolve our differences
later.
What now?
You defeat strength with smart.
Somebody taught me that.
Um... do you have any ideas?
Ahh!
This is smart?
Ahhhh!
Watch your back!
You do care!
Only about saving Sumo.
You, I could do without.
Woo!
Now what?
We have to figure out a way in.
Pretty good idea, huh?
Stop wagging your tail.
I didn't say it was a good idea,
I just said it doesn't suck.
Ugh...
Alright, genius. Which way?
To the left.
What do you got?
Got a D.O.G. who's D.O.A.
Want to get him out of sight P.D.Q.
A.S.A.P. Huh? OK.
I'm not even a full-time
security guard!
I'm just a temp! Ooh!
Let's roll, Fido.
OK...
Now this could be difficult
and might take a while.
So, let's split up.
I'll take the areas
to the north and west.
You go south and east.
Let's try to be methodical
about this.
There could be thousands of cells
here and this could take hours,
maybe days.
He's right over here.
Hey, Sumo! We're here to save you.
Guess we should have
stolen some keys.
Stand back.
Well, at least you tried.
Doggie door.
Ah, complication
in the "saving him" department.
Hank, no need to save Sumo.
Sumo's just prawn in ocean of life.
Of course we have to save you!
You're our friend.
Friends?
Sumo overcome with emotion!
While I appreciate the bro-fest,
we should probably
get out of here.
Wait a second, I've gotta
mark my territory.
We don't have time for that!
But... It's a dog thing.
I want them to know I was here!
I even had asparagus last night.
We don't have time!
We have to get back to Kakamucho!
And when we get there,
what's the plan?
At this moment, it is not so
important what we do. As it is...
...important
that we do something.
Not sure yet what that something is.
Shh!
Huh?
Remember, fear is only
in your mind!
And a little bit in my kimono.
Jimbo!
Jimbo! No!
Both of you, get out of here.
What about you?
Don't worry about me.
You have to get back to Kakamucho.
But we're a team.
No. I have to do this,
and there is no team in "I".
But there is an "I" in samurai!
Ahh!
No!
You can't die!
Our issues aren't resolved yet!
Heimlich manoeuvre.
Oh... You saved my life!
But you touched me, ugh!
If that ever happens again,
let me die. OK?
Now, what is it?
The prisoner escaped.
Ah, you let the big cat out
of the bag, didn't you?
Of course you did. Right, OK!
Now, someone is going to pay
for this.
I'm not saying who, but probably
someone very, very stupid.
Do you know what a scapegoat is,
Ohga?
No, but if there's
a goat around here,
I will have him arrested
immediately.
Ugh. Brainless. Absolute...
And that goes for all of you.
Anyway, never mind.
Um, I already have another
plan progressing nicely.
A much bigger plan with even
more deadly consequences.
Ugh!
My lord, pardon the intrusion!
Ugh, what is it?
It's the super bowl!
It's overflowing!
Oh! Jiggle the handle!
Jiggle the handle!
Where's everyone going?
Emiko! What's going on?!
Emiko!? Emiko!
Look at this. Have you read this?
No.
Well, would you read it to me?
Help wanted. Vicious killers
for the destruction of Kakamucho.
Prior criminal record a must.
An equal opportunity employer.
Can't you see that this is just
the last act of a desperate cat?
We don't care if it's the first act
of "Mamma Mia"!
We're leaving
before that army gets here!
Right, how are we doing?
Let's see... cut-throats, good.
Bounty hunters, desperados,
biker gangs, excellent.
Mugs, thugs, nitwits,
dimwits, mobsters,
muggers, bushwhackers,
hornswagglers, serial killers,
studio executives, wow!
It looks like everyone's here.
Great.
What about him?
Well, yes, he is scary.
But in the wrong way. Arrest him.
Wait! Wait! Please, hear me out.
You all need to know something!
In a heroic effort
to protect your town,
today we lost... Jimbo.
No! No, not Jimbo!
Who's Jimbo?
I don't know.
Didn't he date your sister?
No, that was Gumbo.
Why did you even come back?
We're leaving, Hank.
We're all gonna start new lives
somewhere else.
Sure. Go. After all, you're cats.
You've got nine lives, right?
But I'm a dog! I have one life.
And the best thing that happened
to me, in this one life...
is this town.
You had faith in me.
You trusted me.
And I want to earn
that trust back so bad,
I'm willing to lay
my one life down for your...
Uh, let's see,
247 times 9. Um, carry the 5.
2,223.
2,000...?
223.
Yeah, right. Now, what do you say?
Life is short.
And this movie
is only 85 minutes long,
not including end credits,
so we have to hurry!
If we're gonna save this town,
we have to find a way
beyond judging each other
strictly on...
labels, like dog and cat!
Together, we can get past all that.
We can all be better...
together!
Shh...
It's a metaphor.
Saying we are all the same.
Look different on the outside,
but we can choose for ourselves
what our insides look like.
See now, the big guy
makes a lot of sense.
Right? So Sumo, what do we do now?
So what do we do?
Well, step one:
We need to destroy
their lines of communication.
I've cut the telephone line!
Step two. Someone taught me...
that we can make anything
out of folded paper.
Hmm... How's everyone doing?
Feeling evil, yeah?
Don't be stingy with the poison
on those arrows.
Everyone get plenty to eat?
You can't crush the innocent
on an empty stomach, can ya?
Enjoy the entree, because dessert
is death and destruction.
Who knew an evil army
could go through so many beans?
Right. Assemble the troops.
Hmm?
Ah, the smell of victory
in the air!
Go! Go, my terrible army!
Go to Kakamucho!
And do your worst!
Oh, and don't forget,
save your receipts!
The signal. They're coming!
They're coming!
It's showtime! Alright,
everyone knows what to do!
This is the best bit, isn't it?
Waiting for the death and destruc...
Nah, the best bit is the death
and destruction.
This is the second-best bit.
Kakamucho is going out of business.
Everything must go!
Ah, yes, go team go!
They're falling for it!
They're falling for it!
Ichiro!
I'm right here.
You're up.
"One, you gotta account
for elevation and wind.
And two...
...you gotta watch for birds".
Whoops!
Hey, bird got in the way.
Just try again.
I only had the one bullet.
What are we going to do?!
They'll find out any minute
that we folded them a fake town!
Ha!
We've been tricked!
Oh, my...
Huh?
Time to clean up this town!
Let's go get 'em!
Ha!
Ahh!
Ha!
Hi-yah!
Way to go, Emiko! Woo!
Mom, you're embarrassing me!
Huh?
Sit!
It's the Shogun!
What was that?!
Now that's a car!
My magnificence!
What in the wide, wide world
of sports is going on here?
That's him!
That's the trouble making dog
that started all of this!
Arrest that dog!
Arrest the dog!
Yes!
Oh!
Ouch! Oh, come on!
Ohga! Take care of him!
Is he sick?
No, you simpleminded twit!
Finish him!
Yah!
What the mother father
cocker spaniel's going on here?!
Jimbo. You're alive!
So that's Jimbo!
See, he did date your sister!
OK, OK. That's enough.
Down, boy.
Jimbo? Is that you?
Toshi?
You are the Shogun?
Yeah, sure! It took years
to work my way up through the ranks,
but look at me now!
What happened to you?
I was shamed, my lord.
I am so, so sorry.
I ruined your birthday.
Are you kidding?
Best birthday party I ever had!
Most surprise parties are so boring.
But that year,
that was a real surprise.
I tell that story all the time, always brings the house down!
And... the stuff with your in-laws?
My in-laws? Oh, please,
don't get me started.
In-laws you don't pick.
Friends, you choose.
And you, Jimbo, are my friend.
So, you forgive me?
Forgiven, forgotten, no biggie.
Hey, life's short.
Like me. Let's move on!
So, what's up with the dog?
That "dog" was defending Kakamucho.
A dog defending the town? Why?
Because Lord Ika here
was trying to get rid of it.
Don't believe him. I was just
trying to get rid of that dog!
You see? Nike Shoe was only
trying to get rid of the dog.
But sir,
that dog isn't what you think he is.
He isn't? I'm not following you.
Can someone else explain this?
Allow me...
Ika Chu wanted to get rid of the dog 
because he was getting in the way of his plan
to frighten the cats of Kakamucho 
so that he could wipe their town off the map
in order to make his palace absolutely perfect.
Wha...?
Did I leave anything out?
Brains?
Well, Peek-a-boo... what've
you got to say for yourself?
You want an explanation?
You're going to get one.
I am...
running away!
Looks like we got a little
more samuraiing to do.
Huh?
Ugh!
Oh, you...
Wait, wait, stop, stop, stop!
Right. I have something very
important to tell you, Hank.
What is it?
I am your father.
No, you're not.
No, I'm not.
Ha ha ha!
I distracted you!
I'm certainly not about
to get outwitted by a stupid dog
who's not even a real samurai!
Oh, but you're wrong.
I am a real samurai.
I got a cup right here that says so.
Ahh!
Ahh!
Grab on!
Ugh!
No! No, see, Ohga!
You don't understand this concept,
do you?
I will save you!
Oh, my!
No, no, no! Oh...
What the flush?!
Ohga, are you feeling
what I'm feeling?
I am, sir.
Thar she blows!
This palace is gonna blow.
And when it does, all this water's
going straight down to...
Kakamucho!
What can we do?
We don't have much time!
We've gotta do something!
One, please!
Guys! You gotta help me!
The giant toilet is overflowing!
Have you tried
to jiggle the handle?!
Too late for that!
But I have an idea!
We're listening!
But you better make it snappy!
I know we've had our differences,
but I feel like the times
we've actually worked together
we've really accomplished a lot,
so if you trust me
I think we can save the town!
That was pretty snappy!
What do you want us to do?
Dig!
But cat's don't dig!
OK, so you don't dig.
Can you swim?
You heard him, dig!
Hurry up!
No!
Where are they? Where are they?
Help, help!
Help!
Emiko!
I've got you!
Well, that pretty much wraps things
up.
Almost 85 minutes exactly.
All that's left is appointing
a new samurai for Kakamucho.
Well, what do you say, Jimbo?
Me, my Lord?
Hey, why not?
I can't think of anyone better.
Can you?
I can.
Kakamucho already has a samurai.
The dog? He can't be a samurai!
He can't be anywhere.
It's the law. You know the rules!
No dogs allowed. It's not personal.
It's just business.
And you know what they say:
There's no business...
...like Shogun business!
Exact-ally!
But he's not a dog.
He's... he's my friend.
And more than that,
he's our samurai.
He is?
That's what I was trying
to tell you.
Wow. You live nine lives,
you get to see everything.
Who knew, a dog samurai?
Hank is not a dog samurai.
Hank is a great Samurai!
A truly great samurai!
Woof, woof, woof, woof!
Then I dub thee...
Town Samurai of Kakamucho.
Eh... Actually, you already
officially appointed him.
I did?
I had an official samurai cup
and everything.
Oh, well, if you had
an official cup and everything,
I don't know what that means,
but I bet you don't
have an official sword!
Wait, please wait!
Thank you.
But I can't accept this hon our.
Why not?
Yeah, why not?
I have a contract with my teacher
that says I haven't yet
finished my training.
But there is someone else that's
most deserving of this hon our.
Emiko. You are a true samurai.
The little one?
Yes, my Lord.
She's always defended the town.
I will carry it with hon our.
I know you will.
Emiko!
So, how does it feel
to be a real samurai?
Good, but not as good as it will
feel someday when I'm the shogun.
The shogun? You?
You know something?
That ain't such a bad idea.
Sure, why not?
And I gotta tell ya...
It's good to be the shogun!
Milk's on me!
Kind of warms your heart,
doesn't it?
Ugh!
Ow!
What's that for?
Defend yourself!
Ow! Wait, wait, stop!
Stop, stop, no. T-Time out.
No!
That hurts!
Gotcha again! Haha!
Ow!
How does that feel?
This is my favourite part.
The part where YOU suffer!
Take that, take that!
Ah, gotcha again!
Hey, who's doing the whacking now?
C'mon! C'mon!
There's lots of cats in this world,
but nobody chases tails, his own,
or anybody else as good as Hank.
It's like he's got nine lives,
and he's living them all
at the same time.
And to the fullest.
What, a canine? Hank is a dog?
I thought we were singing
about a cat.
He's the coolest cat,
who happens to be a dog.
Nuh-uh, no way!
We're out of here!
A slobbering dog
can't be no samurai! Please!
...'Cause you're gonna
show 'em all...
Even if you're a dog.
Ugh, dog-gone it.
Still. At least I don't have to do
the sequel.
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Category:Paramount Pictures Transcripts
Category:Nickelodeon Movies Transcripts