Tinarannosaurus Wrecks/Transcript

== Tinarannosaurus Wrecks ==
Bob: Wow, I still can't believe this sale. Six thousand low-fold dispenser napkins for $58? What are they thinking?
Tina: I don't know. 
Bob: Yeah, and they're two-ply. This is... this is a great day. A really great day. Wow, look at how big and empty the parking lot is, huh? 
Tina: (low whistle)
Bob: What do you say you get behind the wheel?
Tina: What would I do behind the wheel?
Bob: Drive.
Tina: Is that legal?
Bob: Well, no, but my father let me drive when I was about your age. Call it a perk for running errands with your dad. 
Tina: Let's make this kitty purr. 
Bob: Go ahead. Try a turn. 
Tina: (groans)
Bob: Tina, why are you groaning? You're doing fine. 
Tina: (groaning louder)
Bob: Rela... Tina, relax. Easy, easy. 
Tina: (continuous groaning)
Bob: (chuckling) Okay, okay. Tina, you're kind of headed towards the only other car in the lot. You have plenty of time to turn, Tina, so just go ahead. Turn one way or the other. 
Tina: (groaning)
Bob: You're just swerving back and forth. Turn one way and stick with it, Tina. 
Tina: (continuous groaning)
Bob: Tina, for the love of God, turn away or stop! The breaks, Tina! On the left! You're about to hit that car! The breaks! Hit the breaks!
Bob: Oh my God, it's bad. 
Tina: I ruined the car!
Bob: You did. You really did. Okay, uh... Well, that's... ugh. At least there doesn't seem to be any damage to the other car. 
Tina: No, I see a dent! There's a dent!
Bob: That's a ding. Not even. It's like a little scratch. 
Tina: N-no, it's a dent!
Bob: All right, we'll leave a note. You know, then again. for all we know, that probably was there, right?
Tina: We have to leave a note! We have to leave a note!
Bob: Okay, okay! You're- You're so honest. Who raised you?
Tina: I don't know.
Bob: It- it was me. I did.
Mort: What's with the cab?
Linda: Yeah, where's the car?
Bob: Um, the car is in the shop. There was a little accident and...
Linda: What?!
Bob: Wait, Lin, Lin. 
Linda: What? What happened?
Bob: Calm down. We hit a parked car.
Linda: Are you okay? What happened? My baby, look at me. Look at me.
Bob: We're fine. Tina is fine. 
Linda: Oh, my baby. Oh, my baby. Wait, how'd you manage to hit a parked car?
Louise: Are you drunk?
Bob: No. 
Gene: You smell like wine. 
Bob: (chuckles) We were coming out of the restaurant supply store and...
Linda: Hold on. Bob's Burgers. Oh, hi Jimmy. Yeah, he's right here. It's Jimmy Pesto. 
Bob: Ugh, what does he want? Hello, Jimmy. 
Jimmy Pesto: Hello, Bob, want to hear a knock-knock joke?
Bob: No
Jimmy Pesto: Knock-knock.
Bob: I'm really not in the mood. 
Jimmy Pesto: Knock-knock.
Bob: Ugh, who's there?
Jimmy Pesto: You hit my car, dumbass.
Trev: Eh, classic knock-knock.
Bob: You've got to be kidding me. That was your car?
Jimmy Pesto: Did you or did you not hear my knock-knock joke?
Bob: O-okay, look, what happened was...
Jimmy Pesto: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, tell it to your insurance company. 
Bob: Oh, come on, Jimmy. I don't want my rates to go up. I'll just pay whatever the damage is and...
Jimmy Pesto: No way. Not on your salary. I don't have time for you to work out an eight-cents-a-month payment plan. 
Trev: Ha. He's poor.
Bob: (groans) Fine. We'll go through my insurance. Good-bye!
Jimmy Pesto: You drive like a Fart! 
Trev: Fart. 
Linda: So, what happened?
Bob: So, anyway, I was driving, and I ran into what turned out to be Jimmy Pesto's car in the parking lot. 
Tina: But Dad, I was...
Bob: Come on, Tina. Help me carry the napkins down to the basement. 
Tina: Okay.
Gene: Help you carry napkins? 
Louise: Yeah, Dad, be sure to lift with your legs.
Bob: Ha-ha.
Gene: Use the hand truck.
Louise: You shouldn't be carrying anything at your age. 
Gene: Yeah, you're pregnant. You sit down, Dad. 
Mort: Hey, while your car is in the shop, I can drive you guys around. 
Linda: Oh, thank you, Mort, but we don't need to go anywhere. 
Louise: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we'd get to ride in the hearse? There's lots of places we need to go. 
Linda: What? Where?
Gene: Nightclubs, day clubs, smoky cafes...
Louise: Chinatown, Thai Town...
Gene: Library.
Mort: Great, I'm heading out now if you want to come with. 
Louise: I call shotgun!
Gene: I call coffin!
Louise: No fair, I want coffin!
Gene: Good, it was a trick! I'm too scared to ride coffin. 
Bob: So we just have to say I was driving, okay?
Tina: That's lying. That's not right.
Bob: That's true, Tina. Lying is wrong, and you should never do it. Unless an idiot named Jimmy Pesto makes you go through insurance, which he is. So we have to lie this one time.
Tina: What's next? Perjury? Human trafficking?
Bob: Look, our insurance will go up a little, but we'll be fine. We just can't tell anyone about it.
Tina: Even Mom?
Bob: Ugh, especially Mom. She can't lie. 
Tina: But I can't lie, either. 
Bob: You know what, it's not even really a lie. It's a secret. It's our shared secret. 
Tina: Huh, maybe if I had a backstory? 
Bob: A backstory?
Tina: Do I have a boyfriend in this scenario?
Bob: Uh, we should probably just stick to the necessary facts. 
Tina: Oh, okay. 
Bob: Fine, all right, you have a secret boyfriend in this scenario. One that you can't ever talk about. 
Tina: What's his name?
Bob: Um, Sebastian. 
Tina: He plays lacrosse and he loves me.
Bob: Mm-hmm.
Tina: But he loves lacrosse more. 
Bob: Uh, yeah.
Tina: How long is his hair?
Bob: I-I-I don't know, but it's greasy. 
Tina: Yes.
Gene: So Mort, what special features does this baby have?
Mort: Special features? Like what?
Gene: You know, like an oil slick in case you're being followed by mourners?
Mort: Oh, no. no, nothing like that.
Louise: Is there a hammer in case one of them comes back to life?
Mort: No. no hammers. 
Louise: Well I guess you have to use your bare hands, then. 
Mort: You're cute. 
Louise: Yeah.
Gene: Whoa, how'd you swing that?
Mort: Oh, the police escort? In addition to giving you kids a lift, I'm also on my way to a funeral. Killing two birds with one stone. 
Louise: So there's a dead body back there?
Mort: And two birds.
Gene: And two buns! Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go!
Louise: Take that, po-po!
Mort: Come on, kids, please. This is not... Sorry!
Gene: Oil slick, GO.
Bob: Why are you wearing a hair net?
Tina: Because stress is making my hair fall out! Look at me!
Bob: Tina, you have the fullest head of hair in the family. I would kill for that hairline. 
Tina: I believe you would!
Bob: Take it easy, take it easy. 
Tina: This is all wrong. I'm going to jail. Or hell. Or hell jail. 
Hell Tina: What's for lunch today?
Demon Lunch Lady: Your lies!
Hell Tina: No! That's what we had yesterday. 
Bob: Look, I know it's hard, but I swear it will get easier. Just hang in there. We'll get through this.
Bob: Hey there, what can I get for you?
Man: Oh, I'm not having anything, but I do have a few questions. I'm Chase Kaminsky, your insurance adjuster. 
Tina: (gasp)
Chase Kaminsky: What's that sound?
Bob: Uh, uh, what sound? I don't hear anything. Oh that, that, yes, I hear that. That's probably my daughter. 
Chase Kaminsky: Is she alright?
Bob: I-I-I think it's a song. She's always singing, so... it's probably a song. You know, kids and their music. Uh, oh. She passed out. Better go check on her. 
Bob: Everything is fine, Tina. We're going to go out there and act like we didn't do anything wrong, which we didn't, kind of. 
Tina: But lying to Mom was one thing, lying to that insurance guy is another. 
Bob: Okay, stop, stop making that sound. He hears it. 
Tina: Okay. 
Bob: All right, let's-let's have you go down to the basement and, um, sweep something. 
Tina: Like dirt? 
Bob: Yes, like dirt. 
Bob: So, I was in park, but I thought it was in drive, so I was thinking, "um, why am I not moving?" 
Chase Kaminsky: Yeah, well, we've all done that. I mean, I haven't, but somebody must have. We... you did. 
Bob: Yeah, I did. Oh God. Uh, this is my daughter Tina. Laughing is another one of her noises. 
Chase Kaminsky: Oh, is that laughing? 
Tina: I was in the car with my dad. 
Bob: In the passenger seat, she was. 
Tina: Yeah, where passengers sit. 
Bob: Right, so after I put it in park, and I was moving, I thought "am I in neutral?" So I shifted into gear and lurched forward. 
Tina: And then a butterfly flew in the window and Dad started swatting at it. 
Chase Kaminsky: A butterfly? 
Linda: What butterfly? 
Bob: Hey, Linda, kids, uh, this is Chase. He's from the insurance company. I was just telling him what happened, uh... yes, I was... I was just getting to the butterfly part of the story. I thought it was a bee, and I was startled. So I was swatting at it. 
Gene: Dad's scared of butterflies. 
Louise: Uh, oh Dad, look out. There's a ladybug! 
Bob: Stop it. All right, so uh anyway back to the story Chase. I mean not a story it's the truth um so I swerved and 
Tina: A cormorant flew in the window 
Linda: What's a cormorant? 
Tina: It's a kind of seabird. We learned about them in school. In China they use them to catch fish. 
Bob: Yeah, thanks Tina. Sorry I left out the cormorant. 
Gene: A cormorant? what an auspicious sign 
Bob: anyway, that's how I hit the car. Butterfly, then cormorant. 
Chase Kaminsky: Okay 
Bob: Really? 
Chase Kaminsky: we'll get your claim check cut right away. thanks for your business, bob 
Bob: thank you. that was easy, right? phew 
Chase Kaminsky: one more thing. It just occurred to me to ask you 
Bob: here it comes 
Chase Kaminsky: I'm hosting a barbecue this Sunday. My caterer fell through boom I meet you what do you say? you ever take this show on the road? 
Bob: oh um cater your party? 
Chase Kaminsky: mm-hmm 
Linda: sounds great. we'll do it. 
Bob: our only other employees are the kids is that is that okay? 
Chase Kaminsky: Great. here's my number. See you all on Sunday. 
Bob: great 
Gene: Where's the bathroom in this thing? Under here? 
Mort: No. No, it's not there. 
Gene: Yeah, it's fine. 
Mort: Well no, just can you just hold it a little longer? 
Gene: well it's not a problem 
Mort: no no please 
Gene: don't worry about it 
Mort: I'm meeting a grieving widow in ten minutes 
Louise: oh I have to go too hey look three bedroom two bath we can both go 
Mort: ah all right but make it quick 
Gene: got to go got to go got to go 
Realtor: everything okay in there? 
Gene: everything is great. I had to pee, but one thing led to another bam I showered 
Louise: so our grandpa died that's him out front he's in the to-go box his last wish was to be buried at the house he was murdered in 
Gene: yeah with the shovel he was murdered with can you believe he was poisoned with a shovel? 
Gene: we'll take it 
Mort: kids 
Louise: ah, perfect timing. Mortimer, give this fellow a fair price for the house and we'll meet you in the car 
Bob: hey, thanks for the lift Mort uh shouldn't be more than a couple of hours so uh are you gonna wait here or come back? 
Mort: well, it's an hour back to my place so I guess I'll just sit in the hearse. maybe grab a nap in the back 
Louise: a nap in the back of a hearse? who says morticians are creepy? 
Mort: well all this gas is getting pretty expensive a hearse doesn't exactly sip gas it's a big vehicle you know 
Bob: uh huh 
Mort: but you now if you would like to chip in that would be great because 
Bob: great, we'll see you in a few 
Mort: okay all right see you soon that's fine 
Tina: why are we even here? you said it would all be over after the one lie 
Bob: well we couldn't exactly say no to chase, tina. that would make it worse. after the barbecue I promise everything will go back to normal 
Tina: will it?! or is that another lie? 
Bob: whoa, easy. you've gotta calm down lets lets lets see your everything is okay face 
Bob: um no no no that's that's no that's no that's bad no don't do that face 
Tina: Like this? 
Bob: no just stop doing the face 
Tina: how about this? 
Bob: and stay with me here by the grill that way your sweat will look more natural 
Linda: so then a butterfly spooks him and he crashes our freaking car 
Chase Kaminsky: hey your wife has 'em roaring over there talking about your little fender-bender 
Bob: uh uh Tina i'll be right back just try and keep the off the ground 
Tina: okay 
Linda: You heard of the butterfly effect? If a butterfly flaps its wings, Bob crashes the car 
Bob: okay, Linda let's uh settle down 
Linda: oh what I'm making conversation and he says I'm a bad driver 
Tina: (screaming) 
Bob: Tina! 
Linda: call the fire department oh oh oh ooh ooh my face 
Bob: Tina no one's blaming you for this but what wrong thing did you do 
Tina: I don't know I was cooking like normal maybe I had the flame too high why would you let me around fire 
Bob: all right Tina calm down this is this is bad but it was an accident we'll we'll tell Chase we're sorry 
Tina: and that we lied about the car accident 
Bob: what?! no no no no no no no we're in too deep now we have to stick to our story 
Linda: oh this is horrible it's horrible we barbecued that poor man's house 
Louise: wait who's this we I was locking Gene in the garden shed when Tina was playing Firestarter 
Gene: I burrowed out like a little mole 
Tina: Louise is right I'm a Firestarter and a jinx 
Louise: yep 
Tina: and I'm going to destroy this family 
Gene: you're the reason I'm fat 
Tina: I know 
Bob: oh my god Chase I I don't know what to say we're we're so sorry 
Chase Kaminsky: Bob it's okay this was still a better-than-average party for me 
Bob: really, but your but your house your your really nice house is gone 
Chase Kaminsky: well this might surprise you I have insurance yeah I lost a lifetime of memories and my cat Spritzal 
Tina: I killed your cat 
Chase Kaminsky: well no Spritzal died last week natural causes shes shes peeing in god's shoes now 
Gene: too soon 
Chase Kaminsky: but her ashes were in there 
Louise: well technically they still are aren't they buddy? 
Chase Kaminsky: look you all go home and just forget about this okay I'm just grateful that no one got hurt 
Tina: I'm a firestarter and a jinx and I'm going to destroy this family 
Bob: we're in too deep now we have to stick to our story 
Gene: screaming! 
Linda: what the heck is going on 
Tina: My stomach is in knots 
Louise: did you eat rope again? 
Linda: Tina sweetie is this about the fire because houses can be rebuilt no one was in it honey 
Tina: but my conscious is still on fire 
Bob: okay enough I I can't stand to see Tina like this listen I lied about who was driving our car during the accident 
Linda: huh?! 
Bob: I let Tina drive a little in the parking lot 
Louise: no fair Mort doesn't let us drive 
Bob: and then I made everything worse by lying about it 
Linda: why didn't you tell me? 
Bob: because you're terrible at keeping secrets you just blurt everything out 
Flashback Linda: sorry we're late Bob had diarrhea 
Linda: Running down the gutter with a piece of bread and butter diarrhea 
Bob: Lin! 
Gene: I love you mom 
Bob: anyway, I shouldn't have kept this from you I was wrong 
Bob: stop it I'm going down to Chase's office first thing in the morning to come clean 
Tina: I'm going with you 
Bob: yes good we'll tell some truth 
Mort: hey while your car's in the shop I can drive you guys around why did I say that what's wrong with me 
Chase Kaminsky: oh hey guys what can I do for you? 
Bob: hi Chase uh I have something I need to tell you 
Chase Kaminsky: is it about my dead fish 'cause I already know 
Bob: I wasn't driving when I had the car accident Tina was 
Tina: it's true I was 
Chase Kaminsky: I knew that 
Bob and Tina: you knew? 
Chase Kaminsky: what you though you were fooling me with that cockamamie story about a butterfly and a bird 
Tina: A cormorant. 
Chase Kaminsky: Whatever. Of course I knew! I figured if I scratched your back, you'd scratch mine. 
Bob: Wait. I-I don't want to scratch your back. 
Chase Kaminsky: You already did. Tina's "accidental" fire? No accident. 
Tina: It was an accident, I swear! 
Bob: What are you talking about? 
Chase Kaminsky: We're all in on this, compadres! I looked the other way on your fender-bender, you gave me a convenient cover to burn down my house. 
Bob: Why would you burn down your own house? 
Chase Kaminsky: Because I'm covered for twice what it's worth. And no one is gonna question my claim when little Tina was left in charge of the grill. 
Tina: How did you know I was going to start a fire? 
Chase Kaminsky: Well you didn't. My good buddy odorless kerosene did. Ugh. 
Tina: So I'm not a jinx. 
Bob: I-I can't believe what you're saying. 
Chase Kaminsky: Well, believe this It's your cut! 
Bob: My cut? I'm... I'm not taking your money. 
Chase Kaminsky: Oh, think about it, you two. We'll be the three amigos of insurance fraud. Restaurants are disaster magnets. Broken pipes, slip-and-falls, her. 
Tina: Aw... 
Bob: Hey! 
Chase Kaminsky: I make sure you get the maximum payout, minus a small percent of course. 
Bob: Hey, we're not gonna commit insurance fraud. 
Chase Kaminsky: Yeah, that doesn't sound like something you'd do. Oh wait, you already did! Your daddy could go to jail! 
Tina: (hyperventilating) 
Bob: Chase, you can't be serious. 
Chase Kaminsky: Serious as a judge. Judges, by the way, are most interested in the testimony of the insurance adjuster. And I will testify against you. Oh I got it! You'll flood your basement! 
Bob: Why are you doing this to us? 
Chase Kaminsky: Because you're my golden goose. And I'm not letting you get away. 
Bob: You are the worst insurance adjuster. 
Chase Kaminsky: But the world's greatest uncle. 
Bob: So, Chase is blackmailing us. And if we don't go along with his scam, and flood the basement, he's gonna turn me in. 
Linda: Flood the basement? But my collage supplies! 
Louise: They're just magazines, Mom. 
Linda: They are '90s Cosmopolitans from the '90s. 
Bob: Lin, let's focus on the blackmailing. 
Tina: (hyperventilating) We gotta take that son of a bitch down! 
Linda: Language. 
Tina: Sorry Mom. 
Bob: Tina's right. We need to come up with an idea to get us out of this. 
Tina: (hyperventilating) 
Bob: Tina, stop doing that. It's disturbing and scary. 
Tina: Wait, that's it! 
Bob: What is? 
Tina: What if we scare Chase so bad He'll never want to see us again? 
Bob: Hmm. That could work. 
Gene: Scare him? How? 
Louise: Boo! 
Gene: Ah! 
Chase Kaminsky: Good morning, Bob! Or should I call you, Rob, since we're going to be stealing money together? I'm sorry. It was too good to resist. 
Bob: Yeah, that was hilarious. Uh, so anyway, my basement flooded. 
Chase Kaminsky: Luckily, we're covered. 
Linda: Uh, Bob, will you send the kids up? Their breakfast is getting cold 
Bob: They aren't down here. 
Linda: What are you talking about? Of course they are. They were playing down in the basement. 
Bob: The basement?! 
Linda: Bobby, what's the matter? 
Linda: My babies! 
Bob: Oh my God, NO! 
Chase Kaminsky: I went too far! What have I done?! 
Bob: My kids! My children are dead! 
Linda: Bobby, why?! 
Chase Kaminsky: Bob, I can't handle this! I never saw this, Okay, I'm leaving! I'm sorry! You'll never hear from me again! And... scene. 
Linda: Eh? 
Chase Kaminsky: Great performances by all three of us, huh? 
Linda: Oh, you figured it out. 
Chase Kaminsky: Come on, you didn't really expect me to buy that, did you, Bob? 
Bob: Uh, sorta, yes. 
Chase Kaminsky: Your acting is terrible. You closed the door. You didn't even try to resuscitate your kids! 
Bob: Yeah, it turns out the kids can't hold their breath that long. And we were gonna give 'em snorkels, but, uh... 
Linda: Snorkels. 
Bob: Yeah, you know what? Never mind. 
Linda: Snorkel. 
Bob: Kids, come upstairs. 
Chase Kaminsky: Now let's get this paperwork started. Get this claim processed! And remember, this stays just between us. No one can ever know. 
Mort: Bob, Lin, oh good. You're both here. Listen, I got something stuck in my craw. 
Bob: Not a good time, Mort. 
Mort: Uh, you know, it's never a good time for these things. You're my neighbors and I love you, and I, I love your kids. I mean, up to a point, but I am not a taxi, okay?! All right. Sorry, that came out wrong. A little over the top. Let me, let me start over. 
Bob: Look, we're getting our car back tomorrow. So we don't need any more rides, Mort. 
Linda: Yeah, we left you a note and a thank-you package on your doorstep. 
Mort: Oh, so you did. Okay. Well, I mean, that wasn't necessary. What a lovely surprise. All right, I'm gonna go now. 
Bob: Okay, Chase. You caught us. But you're playing with fire.... and water, literally. And eventually somebody is going to get hurt. Gene, stop it! 
Chase Kaminsky: Don't insult me, Bob. You're new to this. I'm the pro. I've pulled hundreds of scams, and I'm gonna pull hundreds more. Now for the next fraud, I'm thinking lightning. A big surge could mess up all these incredibly expensive appliances, am I nuts? 
Bob: Yes. 
Chase Kaminsky: Well, off to process this flood claim. Talk soon, partner! 
Bob: Oh my God, we're stuck with this guy forever. 
Gene: Like me and this piece of corn in my teeth. Right corn? 
Tina: Are we? 
Gene's Keyboard: I've pulled hundreds of scams, and I'm gonna pull hundreds more. 
Bob: Ha! Tina, that's brilliant! 
Gen: Oh, sure, when she does it, it's brilliant 
Linda: That scammer is going to the slammer! Buh-bye, baby! 
Bob: Tina, do you realize what this means? You saved the family. 
Tina: I guess it's all part of learning to drive. 
FBI Guy: Uh, the, this one. 
Gene's Keyboard: For our next fraud, I'm thinking lightning. 
Jimmy Pesto: Hey! Hey, Bob! Bob, look! That's you. 
Bob: Well, I'm glad this week is behind us. 
Tina: This was the worst week of my life. But I'm better for it. 
Louise: This was the worst week of your life, Tina? You got to crash a car and burn down a house! I got to do nothing! 
Bob: Fine. Here, Louise, you can break this plate. 
Louise: Ah! 
Gene: No fair, I want one! 
Louise: That felt good. I want another one! 
Bob: No, that's it. 
Linda: Here, give me one! 
Bob: Stop! Lin, what are you doing? 
Linda: What? They're... I hate these plates. 
Bob: Stop breaking plates, Lin! 
Linda: It's fun! 
Gene: Smash! 
Louise: Watch me break this plate and the window! 
Bob: No! 
Category:Transcripts