Episode 1.01: Blowout

Episode 1.01: Blowout is the first episode of the first season of Armed and Stupid, and the 1st overall.
==Plot==
SpongeBob, Patrick, Plankton and Stan Rodgers get ready when President Kevin declares war on United Britain.
==Transcript==
[Episode opens with a shot of SpongeBob polishing his gun. Plankton attempts to polish his, but gets stuck down the barrel and fires himself across the room]
SpongeBob: Yeesh… That’ll leave a mark.
[Plankton can be heard screaming from the other side of the room.]
Plankton: How the hell did I survive that?! I’m grateful, but HOW?!
SpongeBob: You tell me. My dad did that once and he died.
Patrick: (from the corner of the room) SpongeBob, that wasn’t an accident.
SpongeBob: Are you saying that my mother was lying?
Patrick: Not at all.
[Cuts to bartender, who is cleaning the glasses, he looks up in shock]
Bartender: H-hey guys.. You might want to see this.
[They all run over to the bar, we pan to the TV which has the news on]
John Elaine XX: Hello, I'm Johnny Elaine the 20th, here with today’s news, with my co-anchor Peter Scallop.
Peter Scallop: Thank you John. We just got word that President Kevin has just raged war on United Britain, here’s the scene from earlier today.
SpongeBob: Oh Chri- I mean Triton… Triton, definitely (he laughs awkwardly)
[Cuts back to a scene of President Kevin with a combover, on a podium, with camera flashes and such, he dabs his head with a handkerchief]
President Kevin: My mellow Afericans… goddamnit! (he coughs) My fellow Americans, today is a sad day--
Crowd Member: because you’re still president!
President Kevin: Kill him, just fuckin’ kill him.
[News cuts to test screen]
SpongeBob: Well that was… alarming
[Alarm goes off]
SpongeBob: Speak of the Devil.
Patrick: Looks like it’s time to get back into action.
[SpongeBob leaves the camp and walks to his home, which is fairly nearby. He opens the door]
SpongeBob: Hi, mom. I’ve been deployed again. Take care of Gary for me.
Mary SquarePants: All because of President Kevin… If I had my way he’d be fucking shot.
SpongeBob: I know it’s all his fault but a job’s a job.
[Happiness by Elliott Smith begins to play as SpongeBob gathers his stuff, he accidentally picks up Gary’s ball, causing Gary to warble and growl at him]
SpongeBob: (Laughs awkwardly) Sorry, bud.
[He throws the ball down the hall and gary races after it. Happiness stops as SpongeBob walks out of his house]
SpongeBob: See you soon, ma.
Mary SquarePants: Damn you President Kevin!
[Cuts to Patrick’s house, Needle In The Hay begins to fade in. He walks through the door.]
Patrick: Hi, Mr. Dust Cloud.
[He goes into the bathroom, takes his pills and walks into his bedroom to get his bag. He trips and falls over the gun on his floor, bruising his cheek. He looks at the gun.]
Patrick: I’ll be gunned down, anyway.
[Cut to practice. Patrick comes in late]
SpongeBob: Patrick! What’s been holding you up, buddy?
[Patrick attempts to cover the bruise on his cheek]
Patrick: The.. cat. Yeah, the cat.
SpongeBob: You got a cat?
Patrick: Yeah, his name’s Sniffles.
SpongeBob: Odd name for a cat, but okay! Where’s he staying?
Patrick: He’s being placed in a shelter for the time being. 
SpongeBob: The one down by Goo Lagoon?
Patrick: That's the one.
SpongeBob: The people there are pretty good. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Patrick: I won't.
SpongeBob: Well we best get back in line before DS Tentacles yells at us, so… see you soon!
Patrick: Later.
[Squidward marches in]
Squidward: WHICH ONE OF YOU MAGGOTS TOOK MY LUNCH?!
[He looks over at Patrick]
Squidward: HEY, TARARE! WHO TOOK MY LUNCH?!
[Patrick looks up at Squidward]
Patrick: I saw Stan eating it earlier
[Pan to Stan, who is pale as a ghost. Squidward walks over to him]
Squidward: Would you like to eat it again, Stan?
Stan: (Visibly Terrified) N-no.
Squidward: That's a real shame, isn't it?
[Squidward punches Stan in the gut and kicks him several times in the chest, causing him to puke. He then proceeds to grab Stan's metal lunch box and clock him over the head. Stan is out cold]
Squidward: Now what did we all learn from that? DON'T EAT MY LUNCH!
[He walks over to Patrick]
Squidward: This is for being a sissy little bitch.
[He punches Patrick in the face]
Squidward: I see that bruise on your face! Hurt yourself again and I'll kick the shit out of you, you lonely little bastard!
[Patrick begins to tear up]
Squidward: What's the matter? Am I too real for you? Everytime you talk about killing yourself in camp, I get a fucking MIGRANE! Absolutely no one cares if you want to kill yourself. Do you have a family to go to?
Patrick: I h-have my mom.
Squidward: HAVE YOU BEEN EATING PAINT CHIPS?! IF YOUR MOTHER LOVED YOU, SHE WOULDN'T HAVE MADE YOU SIGN UP FOR THIS! SO STOP BEATING AROUND THE BUSH AND JUST. FUCKING. END IT!
[The entire camp falls silent]
Squidward: I'm just speaking the truth. If you're such a sad sack of shit, no one wants you around anyway.
[SpongeBob runs at Squidward]
Squidward: Oh look, a fly
[SpongeBob sweeps Squidward off of his feet and begins to flail his arms in an attempt to hit Squidward. Squidward picks him up by the neck]
Squidward: Final warning, Mr. SquarePants.
[Squidward throws him into Patrick]
Squidward: Now kiss.
[Some members of the troop start laughing at them]
Squidward: HAUL YOUR SORRY ASSES OFF TO BASE! I'VE SEEN ENOUGH!
[Patrick starts crying hysterically while walking out of the room. SpongeBob walks behind him]
[Cut to base]
SpongeBob: Well at least you weren’t knocked out cold
Patrick: Yeah, I guess that’s a plus side.
[Stan walks in again]
Stan: Why can I see birds?
[Stan walks around in a circle and falls into his trash can]
Stan: Guys, I think I’ve gone blind.
[Squidward walks in after him]
Squidward: Houses are prepped. We’ve removed all sharp objects from Patrick’s, we know what he’ll do.
Patrick: Fuck off, will you?
Squidward: LAP AROUND BASE! IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!
Patrick: (Sheepishly) Yessir.
SpongeBob: Sarge Tentacles, with all due respect, aren’t you being a bit harsh on Patrick?
Squidward: What do you expect? This is the army. We’re not going to mollycoddle you.
SpongeBob: Yeah, but straight up telling him to kill himself is a bit far, don’tcha think?
Squidward: Was just telling him the truth. If you’re going to mope around camp, you might as well follow through.
SpongeBob: I know you haven’t really experienced a lot of struggles with mental health, but can’t you give Pat the benefit of the doubt?
[Cut to Patrick, passing a very flamboyant soldier]
Soldier: You lookin’ fine!
Patrick: Yeah, thanks.
[Cut back to base camp. Patrick walks in]
Squidward: Speak of the devil
SpongeBob: Hey, that’s my line.
Squidward: D’you want to do a lap too?
SpongeBob: No sir.
Patrick: I wouldn’t recommend it.
Squidward: Anyway, off to your houses.
[Cut to Patrick’s house]
Patrick: They removed the door handles?
[Cut to SpongeBob’s House]
SpongeBob: Why are these door handles so sharp?
[Cut back to Patrick’s house]
Patrick: Well, at least they thought of me. Time to shower.
[Patrick walks into his bathroom to find that the lock has been removed]
Patrick: Neptune almighty.
[Patrick gets into the shower and turns the shower on. He forgets to remove his clothes]
Patrick: NEPTUNE ALMIGHTY!
[Alphabet town begins to fade in for the credits, the Episode ends.]
[Post credit scene - SpongeBob is in his house]
SpongeBob: Why are all the locks knives?!
Homeless Guy: Beats me.
SpongeBob: WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOUSE?!
==Appearances==
*SpongeBob SquarePants IV (debut)
*Patrick Star III (debut)
*Steven Plankton II (debut)
*Stan Rodgers (debut)
*President Kevin (debut)
*Squidward Tentacles LXI (debut)
*Johnny Elaine XX (debut)
*Peter Scallop (debut)
*Mary SquarePants (debut)
*Crowd Member (debut)
*Bartender (debut)
*Soldier (debut)
*Homeless Guy (debut)
==Trivia==
*This episode was written from September 8th to 12th, 2019.
==Reviews==
* terrible, awful. who this ciciciciciciity guy fuk him - totally not the ciciciciiity guy
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