Stone 16

Chapter 16
Suddenly, we're at the spirit gathering. Richard, Kahlan, and the Mud Elders are naked and muddy and passing around “spirit frogs” and suchlike. The spirits appear and demand that Richard speak his full, true name, for some unknown reason (this didn't happen in the previous spirit gathering). He declares himself to be Richard Rahl, and I think I could have liked him better – well, okay, I actively hate Richard, but I could have respected a character in his situation better – had he defied his bloodline and claimed kinship with George Cypher, the man who raised him.
There's a scene in the 2002 version of Spider-Man where Norman Osborne has pulled off his Goblin mask and is pleading for his life. He thanks Peter Parker for saving him from the Green Goblin persona, and among other things, essentially offers to be the father Peter always wanted. Peter, with obvious anguish, states “I had a father. His name was Ben Parker.”
It's a very well done scene, and it expresses the conviction that it's the people who care about us that are family, not necessarily the people who happen to share DNA. 
I bring this up because it's pretty much the exact opposite of what happens here.
Anyway, the door to the hostel crashes open and the spirits say that everyone but Richard is free to leave. The Mud People are scared because nothing like this has ever happened before, and skedaddle. Kahlan, of course, refuses to leave her Twu Wuv. 
Then the spirits disappear. Creepy green light shines, and with a crack of thunder, Darken Rahl appears. He thanks Richard for calling him. Richard is all, Whut?, so Rahl explains that this was a gathering of ancestral spirits, and since he is Richard's dead father...well, yeah. He explains that Richard has not only called him back, but torn the veil still further in doing so, and asks “Is there no end to your stupidity?” which makes me laugh. 
Rahl tells Richard that he violated Wizard's Second Rule (you'd think the wizards would have their rules written down somewhere), and now Rahl can free Satan all the way. Richard asks “What do you want?” to which Rahl replies, “You, my son. You.” 
Rahl indicates that he's going to send Richard to Satan, so Kahlan blasts him with blue lightning, which does nothing. Rahl puts his hand on Richard's chest, branding a handprint on him, which is apparently “the Keeper's mark.” Richard collapses. Kahlan begs Rahl to kill her as well, but he decides to let her live and keep Richard alive a little bit longer, so as to suffer more.
Let's refer to the Evil Overlord list, shall we?
#I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 
\~/
Rahl floats out of the hostel as Kahlan tries to blast him with her power, but it doesn't come. Kahlan then proves her chops as a strong female character and role model by:
#Collapsing,
#Crawling to Richard,
#Sobbing like an infant,
#Begging to die in his place,
#Willing herself to die with him,
#Losing track of time as she lays there angsting.
A few choice quotations: 
“And then she collapsed to the ground with a wail of agony...she clawed across the dirt to Richard...
“ 'I would do anything for you. I would die in your place.' “
“She crouched against him, her world ending...She could think of nothing to do, other than to cry that she loved him...She willed herself to die with him, but death wouldn't come...She didn't know if she had been there a few minutes, or a few hours.”
Okay, granted that this was a shocking and traumatic experience, but come ON! This is supposed to be our strong, brave heroine, the woman who single-handedly sought out the Nameless Wizard, who defied Darken Rahl, quads, and Fish without flinching. Richard is dying, so she's sad. I get that. But, dammit Kahlan, do something! Pray to the good spirits! Call the Mud People and see if they can help! Wham Richard with your Mindrapist power; that's how you dragged Zedd back from the underworld! Use the tooth to call Red; dragons are supposed to be magic! Anything!
Or...lie there in a puddle of angst and self-pity. That's good too, I guess. \~/\~/
All of a sudden, a spirit appears. It's a woman with a braid, who turns out to be Denna, Richard's torturer/rapist/lover. Kahlan asks is Denna can help Richard, and also how she got to be present since she's not Richard's ancestor. Denna's explanation boils down to a nonsensical deus ex machina: she sensed Richard calling Rahl and decided to follow Rahl, even though that's not supposed to work.
Denna says the black handprint on Richard means he will be pulled to Satan unless someone puts their hand on the mark, transferring it to them. In that case, they will be the one pulled to Satan. Kahlan is about to take the mark herself, marking what is quite possibly the first purely altruistic thing I've seen her do, but Denna stops her. 
Denna rambles on a bit about how awesome Richard is, and how she used Kahlan's name to hurt him more than anyone else had ever been hurt before in the history of people hurting people. There's a full page of Denna telling Kahlan all the horrible things she did to Richard, how it drove him mad, and of Kahlan sobbing and puking at the horror of it all. I'm not sure what all this has to do with keeping Richard alive, but whatever. 
Anyway, the gist of all this is that Kahlan has to make Richard accept the collar when Nun #1 offers it. If Richard doesn't go with the Nuns (well, Nun) he will die, and Satan will win. Denna doesn't known if Zedd can help, but she is positive that the Nuns can...how she knows this is not explained. The problem is, of course, Richard associates a collar with being repeatedly tortured and raped and driven to the edge of insanity, and would rather die than wear one. Kahlan, as the one person Richard loves more than life itself, has to get him to accept the collar.
Denna takes the handprint off Richard, consigning herself to Satan...but...if she was in the underworld, wasn't she already in Satan's power? There doesn't seem to be any afterlife aside from the underworld ruled by Satan \~/. Also, Denna was a torturer. If there's any sort of moral judgment in the afterlife, one would assume that torturers end up in the place with the pitchforks, not the harps.
Denna disappears, Richard wakes up, and Kahlan finally screams for the Mud People to get Richard to a healer.
That was...eleven pages? It sure felt like more than that.
Drinks: 4
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