S06E05: The Gang Executes Two Plans and One Pony

== Aside ==
The group is spending about 30 minutes deciding what to do about the unicorn. We do not land on a plan.
== Background ==
Qwalish sent us to a signal potentially caused by magical planar parts from the Infernal Machine of Lum the Mad, hoping we'll get there before the 4 Horsemen might.
We met three Mother Dryads who gave us free magical items we immediately equipped, and a Satyr who led us to a collapsed ruins where we are now having a staring contest with an Emocorn.
== Session ==
The group spends even more time than they actually had pretending to finalize an attack plan last minute.
Kanye: When you attack psychically, is it always a surprise?The unicorn hurtles toward the biggest target in the room - Kanye. She misses and he gets an opportunity to riposte with a melee attack.
Kanye: May I grapple for my melee attack?DM: No. BASIC melee attack.He successfully strikes as she tries to gore him in the butthole. Maybe she then gores him somewhere else, I missed it.
Um runs to the nearest wall to hang out since he wasn’t around for the planning phase and doesn’t want to get in the way of anything good we have going on. He’s carefully settled into a solid sniping spot.
Nissa casts Bane, but the unicorn is able to avoid the effects.
Sorith spends a Qi point to incapacitate the unicorn with Stunning Strike until Sorith’s next turn; a very pleased dwarf wallops Banrean for good measure.
Kanye, who was about to take his turn before Sorith dealt a second punch, successfully grapples and bridles her in one fell swoop.
Averlyth: We spent longer planning for that fight than it actually took.DM: Same!The group pauses to let the DM to look up how the bridle works . Somehow this results in the group marveling at some weird edgecases pre-defined across various D&D literature.
Um: It makes me wonder what happened to make that get added to the clause.Nissa: Every group has their [Kanye], [Um].Banrean is bridled, but is able to resist the charms (effectively Dominate Beast). 
Kanye uses his Belt of Aggressive Grappling to pull a Hulk and successfully attack the ground with the unicorn. The ground is fucked up pretty badly. Then Kanye uses another action surge to comically put the bridle back on within the same turn - this time he succeeds.
The unicorn surrenders to us telepathically, conceding her defeat yet making us promise not to hurt the fey in the castle. Averlyth suspiciously questions why she expected that from us.
Kanye asks Banrean to tell us her side of the story.
Banrean tells us she's been a guardian of the land for generations. She kept it healthy and protected, up until the three hags moved in - they corrupted the treants, the fey, planting the mushrooms, spreading their influence in the woods. Banrean was pushed further and further back until this castle became the last spot she had left.
Um, Kanye and Nissa find it hard to focus on the Unicorn’s words, which are spoken in a brooding, mocking tone: blood has been grotesquely dripping down her horn and all over - not blood from this fight, but a seemingly endless stream since we first saw her.
A small part of Averlyth’s brain is having trouble reconciling the tone of voice that the Unicorn uses with the derisive cruelty evident in the eyes of the creature before us.
Sorith thinks something’s not right, although he can’t quite put his finger on it.
As we listen, the unicorn rears back haughtily and sneers at us in contempt.
Sorith asks, if Banrean is the good guy, why she isn’t like typical unicorns, all white and shiny and happy. A look of annoyance spreads across her muzzle, clearly irritated that we’re wasting her time. Her voice says in quiet confusion, “what do you mean?”
Averlyth takes off her crown.
For a moment, there are two images competing in her head - one of the sinister unicorn we have seen the entire time, but also the image of a weary, exhausted creature. As her vision settles, it no longer looks evil - just dirty and tired.
Averlyth tells everyone to take their crowns off, and everyone experiences the same effect. We now clearly see a unicorn the way we've always imagined them, though she looks rough around the edges, and she has clearly been fighting for some time.
Pearlescent horn, glistening hair, divine presence. The cruelty and disdain have vanished, thoroughly replaced with a deep sadness and fatigue.
The scene before us has totally transformed. Where previously we saw mocking kobolds, cruel redcaps and vile boggards, we now see frightened pixies, timid sprites, small gnomes - nothing but the traditionally good creatures of the woods. Many of them are injured, and distinctly trying to hide behind the unicorn from the terrifying invaders that just entered.
Nissa asks the unicorn what happened. She solemnly reiterates that we’ve been manipulated. Averlyth questions if there’s anything about the hags we should know about - we’re told about their skill with illusions, like the spell on our crowns, and their power in groups.
Averlyth and Nissa ask why the hags are here. We are told it is in their nature to corrupt, but she knows no other motive.
We now notice the unicorn is wearing a clearly handmade makeshift tiara - the silver wire has been awkwardly knotted and wired around 2 gemstones, red and blue. Averlyth notices the tiara, but unicorns are inherently so magical, her magic radar is effectively clogged. Nissa, however, manages to detect two small, but brighter nodes within Banrean's aura - powerful and weird magic to her eyes.
Nissa asks about the crown - apparently it was crafted by the fey creatures (as Banrean has no thumbs) to protect the gems, which were found in the ruins of the town we passed through. The town was in ruins before even the unicorn got here, and these are notably components of whatever device was once there.
The group now wants the tiara; Banrean offers to give it to us, if we help her clear the forest of the hags.
Kanye: UhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHH Kanye’s having a moral quandary. ~Nissaaaaaa~Kanye points out that we have the unicorn under a magical bridle that technically should allow us to control her actions, which means we could totally just take the tiara right now. Averlyth argues that strategically, we might prefer to have the hags removed anyways given their proximity to our base. Nissa takes the higher road.
Nissa: So Kanye, let’s talk about this concept known as the “Greater Good”.Kanye informs the emocorn that his “lovely compatriots” do not want him to remove the crown, and announces that we are removing the bridle and arriving at a deal because “that’s what we do now”. Kanye makes it very very clear that he would not have done this himself and could totally put her back under the bridle if it comes down to it.
Banrean looks at Kanye with the next level up from puppy dog eyes and he feels SO SAD, and then she goes “I understand”. He takes the bridle off, she thanks him with a bow.
Her horn glows and it casts a healing spell that restores everyone to full health.
Sorith: I don’t think anyone got hurt, did they?Averlyth: That was a pretty fast fight.Nissa: I had 2 points of sunlight damage.Kanye: I got stabbed by a unicorn! Did no one remember that?? I know it’s my job, but geez!Sorith apologizes for all the punches. The unicorn doesn’t regret defending her castle, but is sorry for attacking. We ask her how she plans to remove the hags from the woods: Banrean admits she's counting on us to figure that part out, as she has been exhausted from defending her last stronghold, and had previously dared not take the fight to them.
Banrean: What do you suggest?Sorith: I mean we can punch them.Kanye: I have a plan! It’s that plan. It’s Sorith’s plan. Except over and over.Kanye asks whether or not it’s possible to lure the hags out here. Banrean believes it’s possible, but it would be unlikely for them to go one-by-one. The group thinks about deceiving the hags by putting the bridle back on the unicorn and then approaching them or something, then removing the bridle for the fight.
Banrean further notes there may be parts of the ancient powerful machine in the town ruins that could be useful.
Kanye consults the magic people if the bridle can be used on a person - it was modified to work on a unicorn, but probably won’t work on humanoids. However, polymorphing them into a beast would make this work, and then we're free to interrogate them.
Kanye: I dunno, this is all above Kanye’s paygrade. I am fine with hurting, capturing...Apparently Kanye might’ve learned something about hags in his nobleman classes, or at least what he was told were nobleman classes - green hags are known to basically be like witches. They operate in covens, tend to live in swamps, caves, places like that. They’re good at illusion magic.
Nissa informs the group that green hags in particular are liars and tricksters - she warns us that all her usual hurtful words for our enemies might be similar to what's headed towards us instead. If we can get them away from each other (over 30 ft), they lose some of their power.
Um raises a single eyebrow, expressing the complex question to verify whether or not our goal is actually to interrogate them. Kanye confirms, saying he wants to know what they know about the Infernal Machine and the 4 Horsemen, and that can't happen if they're all dead.
The group questions whether to lure the hags towards us or take the fight to them. Averlyth notes there's a whole chasm in the area - could bait them to the tower and then knock the bridge out.
Kanye: I don’t know all the schools of magic, but I’m pretty sure illusion magic will not help you fly if I throw them into a chasm.The group starts contemplating going big, like a fireball on the house, but then question if there might be any innocent bystanders. Banrean tells us that (regrettably) all the creatures of the forest not here with us have fallen under the hags sway. Though she would try to convert them back afterwards, she would accept any deaths on their part.
Kanye: So it sounds like…. we’re still okay with the loud plan…Banrean tells us the hags have no noteworthy vulnerabilities. Averlyth brings up the fact that her recent level up grants her a flame strike - apparently green hags are as vulnerable to fire as anyone else.
Kanye: I’d have liked to interrogate them, but I’m willing to forego the interrogation to enjoy..Nissa: The show?Banrean steps in as we are getting a more coherent plan, asking if we are still considering putting the bridle on her for deception, or if that's no longer on the table. Kanye brings up the possibility that the woods might have eyes, watching us as we approach; Averlyth is suddenly nervous about flame striking an empty house.
The group is now thinking about sending Um ahead to confirm the targets are indoors prior to calling the artillery. Kanye is so so excited about target confirmation.
Kanye: So if I understand this correctly, I’m going to see a bunch of people I’ve never met, and I’m going to kill everyone that survived the fire strike.Kanye asks Banrean what it would be like if someone hypothetically drank unicorn blood. She makes awkward eye contact with Nissa, who makes it totally clear that this is typical behavior from Kanye. Banrean eventually answers that her blood is celestial, which means she is divine.
Kanye: WoooOOOOOOOoould you be okay with giv-Banrean: No.Averlyth asks if the group needs a safeword, in the event that the hags survive the initial nuke, and then transform into members of the party. Nissa escalates it into 2FA, suggesting the "What You Know" factor to be the name of an individual whose face we burned once upon a time, and the authentication method as our individual decoder rings. The DM points out we might not all give the same answer. Averlyth is suddenly worried about the decoderless unicorn getting cloned.
While the group overthinks passwords, Um leaves early to head to the hag's house.
=== Um's Trip ===
Almost immediately after crossing the fallen clock tower bridge, Um spies the Satyr who escorted us to the ruins, still sitting there - getting closer, he can see he is not a Satyr at all, but a Redcap. He continues without being noticed.
An hour of travel up the road, he has touched zero sunbeams and avoided being observed altogether. Soon, he's returned to the clearing with the hags' cabin, which looks exactly as it did before. There’s a curl of smoke still coming through the chimney, and there are raised garden beds in front with mushroom growing out of them. [Editor's note: Apparently that was supposed to be foreshadowing]
Um positions himself to rush towards the cabin. There's a brief moment of panic when he trips over the root of a tree and jostles some things in his hurry, but the small noise doesn't seem to get noticed, and he’s able to quickly close the distance to peer into the back window.
Inside, he sees the three mothers, who look very, very different.
Each one still possess the animal attributes from their namesake, but they now instead look like horrible, old women.
Um: So, I guess the next step is to find a tree close enough to help out with the fight, but not so close that I end up on fire.DM: Coincidentally, there is a tree that fits all of these criteria!Um steathily makes his way over and settles in on top, then sends back a pre-agreed message of some sort to indicate the hags are in the house.
It is suddenly canon that Kanye has a strong preference for the fartie talkies over the Drakeguard bracer communications because it has better encryption, there's some doubt about it's security when it's a shared line, and something something "being loyal to MCVFD".
Although he didn't have a pre-agreed message for it, Um is still able to steathily tell us about the Satyr/Redcap parked at the town square nearby.
=== Castle Ruins ===
Averlyth asks Banrean if there’s any way to uncorrupt the Redcap; we’re informed that Redcaps are inherently evil, which cuts down the "moral dilemma" discussion around keeping it alive. Kanye is now excited about a potential solo battle.
We make our way out of the castle. Sorith once again runs across before any of us can react, Kanye flies Nissa across, and Averlyth teleports Banrean across with a Dimension Door so she can conserve her daily teleport.
Olatur looks pleased that we're returning with what appears to be a captured Emocorn! There seems to be no incidation that he's noticed we're no longer wearing our crowns - and therefore able to see his true form.
Kanye walks up to the Satyr like he's about to give him the best high five and then surprise smacks him with a glaive instead. And then again, bloodying him. And then smacks him with the butt of the weapon for good measure.
The Redcap looks furious. He jumps up and pulls out his sickle - for a second it looks like he’s about to fuck Kanye him up with it - and then instead kicks Kanye FULL in the face with these heavy ass iron boots he’s wearing, immediately knocking Kanye prone with a non-trivial amount of bludgeoning damage.
As her harness pulls her down with Kanye, Nissa takes the opportunity to slash at Olatur with a dagger, making a deep cut against his thigh and turning his run into a limp away. Averlyth sends a guiding bolt at him - it hits the back of his neck, and he drops onto the ground, smoldering.
Kanye celebrates with the mystery nozzle - it’s fancy rite cola (???) - and then asks for heals.
Kanye: I’m not hurt, i’m still good to go!.. But that hurt a lot more than I expected from a small personNissa goes to loot the body, but there isn’t much that looks desirable. The cap is clearly red from being stained with real blood, the sickle looks positively nasty and evil to use, the shoes aren't even in her size.
Averlyth casts a Prayer of Healing to give Kanye some health back and to practice being the party cleric.
The group resumes their trek back to the hags.
=== Sunbeam Obstacle Course ===
Choosing not to equip the crowns for protection (who knows what else they had on them??), the group is once again faced with an actively trip-wired trail.
First, we are assailed by a torrent of falling spiked nuts and spores. Nissa and Averlyth both get a lil poisoned from spores.
Then, the group is hit by another cloud of spores - Averlyth gets disadvantage on the next ability check.
Averlyth casts Pass without Trace on the group as we’re getting close enough to the house to warrant sneaking up - although it doesn’t quite help with our immediate dexterity problems, it may be helpful if anyone's watching out for us at the destination.
The rest of the hike is fortunately less eventful, and the group arrives to the home of the hags in one, mildly poisoned piece.
=== Hag Cabin ===
Kanye asks Woodhouse to pull out a folding chair, so he can get a good seat for the artillery strike.
The chair gets caught in the bag and makes a noise - eliciting activity from within the cabin.
With only seconds to react, Averlyth entreats Bane to summon a punishing flame strike, centered upon the house before us.
Kanye (in the middle of reprimanding Woodhouse) has his back to the house when the flame strike lands, roaring into the clearing and casting a fiery light at the trees before him. He turns around in time to admire the massive pillar of black and red fire, spitefully descending from the heavens. A 20ft diameter, 40ft high divine light engulfs the cabin, dealing 16 fire and 16 radiant damage.
Um: What happened to the house?DM: The house is very much on fire.Um: Good.The house is very much on fire.
The house is now also crumbling into itself, and we can start to see the shapes of angry hags, threatening to climb out and do something about us.
Averlyth happily continues the "loud plan" by using the drakeguard bracer to summon a lightning bolt down upon the same target - two of the witches are caught unawares, while one is able to evade half of the damage.
There are now 3 mildly on fire, upset and bloodied witches in the wreckage of their cabin.
Um prepares to fire upon the first witch that gets close to/distracted by any of his companions.
Kanye aims his power suit’s laser at the witch that didn’t dodge the lightning bolt, firing upon her twice. She’s still standing, though in terrible shape.
An unbridled Banrean charges into the wreckage of the house, attempting to trample and gore the closest witch. She misses everything she aims for, but now Um has an opportunity to shoot the same target. He deals a heavy blow from his tree - she’s still standing, but also now as miserable looking as the witch Kanye was shooting at - and then finds another hiding spot in his tree.
All three hags turn invisible.
Sorith charges in, and then stands within the wreckage of the cabin, preparing a defense before realizing that defense method required him to be able to see his enemies.
Nissa is considering the horn of blasting, but Sorith would get caught in the blast.
Kanye: See, Kanye did not run in, because Kanye was fully ready for the scorched earth policy. Kanye is sitting on a folding chair, wielding his laser rifle.Nissa sends mocking, Dissonant Whispers out in the direction of the hags, but doesn’t get a sense that it landed.
Averlyth casts Faerie Fire just in front of the cabin, anticipating they would be approaching the group for an attack - all three of the hags are now lit up in a violet, flickering light. They curse and drop their illusion. (Fortunately, Sorith surpasses the dex check, so he is not also a Christmas decoration)
Um takes a shot, but misses.
Kanye intentionally grapples the least fucked up witch and drags her 30 feet towards his lawn chair, then attacks the ground using her as a weapon. Then he spends an action surge to unceremoniously drag her further into the woods, ensuring the hag is 60 feet away from her sisters by the end of the turn.
Banrean tramples the closest hag to death, then stands majestically upon the gored body.
The sister closest to her screams and turns on the unicorn, rabidly and insanely clawing at her, to not much effect. The other hag also begins to claw at Kanye in fury.
Sorith punches the hag attacking the unicorn, then stuns and grapples her.
Nissa opportunistically casts Polymorph on the hag within Kanye’s clutches - she shrinks down into a perfect mini replica of the Emocorn as the witches had projected her (including a shitty little goatee and all the unhappiness).
DM: Kanye, you are now grappling an emo pony.Kanye: I am not surprised by this development.Averlyth shoots a Guiding Bolt at Sorith’s grappled victim - Sorith is now holding a dead hag.
Sorith: Story of my life.Kanye successfully bridles the faux pony (now identified as a Polymorphed Madam Skunk). Through the power of the bridle, she’s psychically telling Kanye some very rude things. His first command is to tell her to stop saying mean things to him. His second command is to walk back to the cabin - she trots back begrudgingly.
Kanye proceeds to interrogate the weakened Madam Skunk. He asks her if she and her sisters were in these woods for the gems on the unicorn’s head. She answers that she was given the opportunity to come here, at the cost that if they were to find any unusual artifacts, they had to be handed them over to their benefactor.
Kanye asks who the benefactor is.
Madam Skunk: He looks like an old wizard, wears a red robe, had a horse tattoo?Kanye: … Do we know that guy?After Kanye conveys her answers to the group, we recognize the description as Roreth.
With this revelation, the group has no more questions for Madam Skunk, and suddenly has no idea what to do with her. Averlyth reassures Kanye that we don’t have to be responsible for her fate, that we've gotten some good info now and can just take the gems and leave her here. Banrean is even relieved to not need to guard the gems anymore, but does remind us that she still needs our help to finish purifying the woods with something in the town ruins.
Kanye: We’ll be doing one of those global good things??The group continues to deliberate on what to do with the remaining hag; apparently there’s suddenly a moral quandary because she’s a prisoner of war. Kanye is wondering if we should be turning her over to the Drakeguard. The DM is reminding us that we have no way of teleporting her with us.
Kanye: I thought Averlyth had a circle that did things with stuff?A few more interrogation questions come to mind. Madam Skunk claims that she and her sisters hadn't seen the 4 Horsemen for years, and had no way of getting in contact with them either - supposedly Roreth would "just know" if they ever got in possession of the gems. Also apparently being a hag is a privilege, and she's very proud of it.
Banrean points out that it seems like Kanye is trying to get permission to kill the dying hag before the Polymorph wears off.
Sorith walks over and kills it with a single punch. Kanye removes the bridle, which no longer seems to work, as it was powered by the hags magic.
Next time, we’ve promised to clear the corruption of the woods with Banrean.
Averlyth: Guys, we executed two plans!Kanye: And ONE pony :D
Category:Episodes