PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!: THE THREEQUEL!

PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!: THE THREEQUEL! is the thirteenth episode of season four, and the fortieth episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on February 27, 2021.
== Plot ==
Mr. Lobster leads impeachment proceedings against Mr. Biden, but as his attorney general, he must defend him as well.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens at Ms. Friday’s house.]
Ms. Friday: I'm so happy that Joe Biden is in charge now! He'll save the country!
[Cut to the Oval Office.]
Mr. Biden: MR. BANANA! I need you to change my diaper again!
Mr. Banana: Can’t Squilliam do it this time? 
Mr. Fancyson: Oh no you don’t, remember, you’re the reason we’re in this predicament in the first place! We could’ve had me as president right now, but you and Obama wanted to go with this decrepit zombie instead!
Mr. Obama: Woah woah woah, no need to involve me in all this, I’m just here to violate international law!
[Suddenly, Mr. Biden’s head falls off. Mr. Banana quickly runs over and places it back on.] 
Mr. Biden: Hey, Jack, you put this thing on backwards!
Mr. Fancyson: Please end this nightmare.
[Cut to the House of Representatives.]
Mrs. Pelosi: A few hours ago, the Senate unanimously confirmed the President’s Cabinet nominees. Can we unanimously agree to set partisan differences aside, at least for the duration of the pandemic?
Mr. Lobster: Well, the resolution I am about to introduce will be very bipartisan.
Mrs. Pelosi: Go ahead, I welcome it.
Mr. Lobster: Alright. I am introducing articles of impeachment against “President” Joseph Robinette Biden Jr.
Mrs. Pelosi: WHAT?! He’s only been in office for just over a day!
Mr. Lobster: He shall pay for stealing the election from OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP!
Mrs. Pelosi: [chuckles] Well, Mr. Lobster, this is very bipartisan. I am sure no one other than you, Republican or Democrat, would support this—
Mr. Pineapple: I’m strongly in favor of these articles. Biden betrayed me. He promised a communist agenda, according to Trump, but instead he nominated war criminal Kelpy G for Secretary of Defense.
Mrs. Pelosi: Well, you’re also a war criminal—
Mr. Pineapple: A LEFT-WING war criminal! Big difference!
Mrs. Pelosi: If anybody still can’t believe it, TRUMP LOST FAIR AND SQUARE. The only cheating that took place was him cheating on me! [starts crying] Biden is the president right now, deal with it!
Mr. SquarePants: [laughs] Fair and SQUARE!
Mr. Lobster: Right now, Sleepy Joe is probably sleeping like the lazy communist he is, while OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP is hard at work. He will hunt down and punish every single pedophile before he eventually physically returns to the White House. Until then, I will never stop fighting on his behalf.
[Cut to the Trump Tower. Mr. Fancyson walks in.]
Mr. Fancyson: Hey, Donald, I got tickets to—PEE-YEW! [looks down to see Mr. Trump lying on the floor] What is that lobster shit on your face?
Mr. Trump: Lobster shit.
Mr. Fancyson: Yikes…oh, nevermind that! Look, Donald, I can assure you that retirement is the best part of life. Just think about it, you have no more work and no more responsibilities. Now you can eat, sleep, and fuck children whenever you want!
Mr. Trump: That’s what it’s always been like! But now… [starts crying]
Mr. Fancyson: What is it?
Mr. Trump: My beautiful, beautiful boaters are all dispersing. That Larry loser will soon be my only boater left! I’m gonna be right here forever with him near me!
Mr. Fancyson: It’s hard to lose your supporters. As the former Mayor of New Kelp City, I went through the same thing. But I can assure you that you will always be welcome at my pedophile island!
Mr. Trump: Thanks, Squilliam!
[Cut back to the House of Representatives.]
Mrs. Pelosi: Wait a minute—aren’t you Biden’s Attorney General?
Mr. Lobster: Indeed. I will be his defense during the trial.
Mrs. Pelosi: So you’ll be both the prosecution and the defense?
Mr. Pineapple: And I’ll be the witness!
Mrs. Pelosi: Listen here, you two—
[Suddenly, Mrs. Pelosi’s phone vibrates.]
Mrs. Pelosi: Uh, I gotta go. When I come back, I’ll announce my decision on holding an impeachment vote.
[Mrs. Pelosi leaves the chamber, and returns two hours later.]
Mrs. Pelosi: Well, I don’t see why we shouldn’t impeach him! It’ll be interesting. I mean, what do you expect the House of Representatives to do, pass legislation? Let the PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT begin!
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: BREAKING NEWS! In a unanimous vote, the House of Representatives impeached President Biden, just a day after he took office. We’re bringing in Senator Joe Manchin to discuss the Senate trial.
Mr. Manchin: I am extremely pleased by this display of bipartisanship. I originally intended to cooperate with Republicans on blocking his minimum wage plan, but now I’ll cooperate in removing him from office!
Mr. Perkins: Will the Senate do anything else during the pandemic?
Mr. Manchin: Anything else? What do you expect the Senate to do, pass legislation?
[Cut to the Senate chamber the next day.]
Mr. Roberts: Why must you damn fools always HARASS the PRESIDENT?
Mr. Schumer & Mr. McConnell: Bipartisanship!
Mr. Roberts: [mutters to himself] Just as I was about to board Fancyson’s jet for the 1000th time, I get the call. Anyways… [repeatedly pounds the gavel] Let the trial begin! The prosecution may now argue.
Mr. Lobster: Thank you. We are calling for the removal of “President” Biden from office because he is illegitimate. We cannot have illegitimate presidents run the country!
Mr. Roberts: The defense may now argue.
Mr. Lobster: Thank you. We are calling for the removal of “President” Biden from office because he is illegitimate. We cannot have illegitimate presidents run the country!
Mr. Roberts: I see.
Mr. Lobster: As the prosecution, I’d like to bring in and examine my witness.
Mr. Roberts: Sure.
Mr. Lobster: So, Travis, what did you see?
Mr. Pineapple: I saw Biden inside the White House this morning, when its rightful occupants are Mr. R’Onion, his plant wives, and me!
Mr. Lobster: Well, the rightful occupants are actually Mr. Trump and me.
Mr. Renaud: Well, the rightful occupants are actually Ms. Cactus and me.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Well, the rightful occupants are actually Mr. Putin and me.
Mr. Roberts: Mr. Renaud?! Mr. Pepperchicken?! You can’t be here!
Mr. Renaud: Sir, as the real President of Bikini Bottom, we in fact do have the right to be here.
Mr. Roberts: No you don’t—
Mr. Lobster: As the defense, I’d like to cross-examine the witness.
Mr. Roberts: Sure.
Mr. Lobster: Was it true, Travis? Was Sleepy Joe sitting on Trump’s throne?
Mr. Pineapple: You mean R’Onion’s throne?
Mr. Renaud: You mean my throne?
Mr. Pepperchicken: You mean my throne?
Mr. Roberts: That’s enough! SECURITY! Eject Mr. Renaud and Mr. Pepperchicken from the courtroom!
Mr. Pepperchicken: That’s enough! KGB! Eject Mr. Roberts from the courtroom!
Mr. Roberts: You can’t do that! I’m the judge!
Mr. Pepperchicken: Oh yes I can! I won the election!
Mr. Renaud: Well, I won.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Don’t make me fight you too!
[Security and the KGB draw their weapons.]
Mr. Roberts: [pounds gavel] ORDER IN THE COURT! This dispute can be settled after the vote to remove President Biden from office concludes.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Very well then.
[Security and the KGB drop their weapons.]
Mr. Roberts: The vote shall begin in five minutes.
Mr. Schumer: Ready for the next president?
Mr. McConnell: I’m ready for the ten after!
[Cut to the Oval Office. Mr. Biden and Mr. Banana are watching the trial on TV.]
Mr. Biden: Yes! I’m gonna get removed from office! I don’t have to deal with this disgraceful job any longer!
Mr. Banana: NO! Remember what you said on your first day! You must stay in office so the Palestinians can’t stay alive!
Mr. Biden: Well, how am I supposed to even do that? It appears both Schumer and McConnell support these proceedings.
Mr. Banana: [hands a paper to Mr. Biden] Sign this, and run to the Senate chamber and give this to Mr. Schumer!
Mr. Biden: Okay… [signs the paper] But what is this—
Mr. Banana: RUN!
[Mr. Biden runs to the Senate chamber and hands the paper to Mr. Schumer.]
Mr. Schumer: What is this—Oh. My. Neptune. This is the best thing I’ve ever seen! Thanks, Joe, you’re the best president ever!
Mr. McConnell: Let me see this—Oh. My. Neptune. This is the best thing I’ve ever seen! Thanks, Joe, you’re the best president ever!
[The letter gets passed around the Senate, with the Senators reacting enthusiastically.]
Mr. Roberts: The vote shall begin now. Should President Biden—
Senators: WE VOTE TO ACQUIT!
Mr. Manchin: And that’s what I call bipartisanship!
[Cut to BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: This just in, the Senate has unanimously voted to acquit President Biden in his impeachment trial. We’re bringing in the prosecution and defense attorney, Larry Lobster, to discuss—
Mr. Lobster: The deep state may have won this battle, but OUR ONE TRUE PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP will win the war!
Mr. Renaud: Actually, I’ll win the war.
Mr. R’Onion: Actually, I’ll win the war.
Mr. Pepperchicken: Actually, I’ll win the war.
[Mr. Lobster, Mr. Renaud, Mr. R’Onion, and Mr. Pepperchicken draw their weapons.]
Mr. Perkins: Oh dear.
[Cut to the White House.]
Mr. Banana: Well, Joe, you’ve been unanimously acquitted! This is a great victory!
Mr. Fancyson: [grits his teeth in anger, though it is not seen through his smiley face mask] Yeah, what a great victory...
Mr. Biden: Damn, that paper really changed everything! What was in it?
Mr. Banana: An unconditional pardon of all sex crimes committed by anyone in politics in the past, present, and future! I told Pelosi that you would do this when faced with removal from office, so she supported your impeachment!
Mr. Biden: Huh? When? Where?
Mr. Banana: Last night at her house.
Mr. Biden: I thought you were sleeping last night.
Mr. Banana: Precisely.
Mr. Biden: Uh—whatever. So, we can commit sex crimes without any consequences now?
Mr. Banana: Well, that’s always been the case, but now it’s official.
Mr. Biden: I see...let’s get naked!
Mr. Banana: YAY!
Mr. Fancyson: Eh, why not?
[The episode ends as Mr. Biden, Mr. Fancyson, and Mr. Banana take off their clothes and run outside to commit sex crimes, where they are accompanied by members of Congress.]
==Trivia==
This episode takes place shortly after "Shadow Government(s)" but before "Valentine's Day".
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