Episode 221: Bob Hope/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 221: Bob Hope.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter 	Bob Hope! Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Hope.
Bob Hope	Oh, thank you, Scooter.
Gonzo 	You know, Bob, I think you're an incredibly talented human being. I mean, you're a comic genius.
 	
Bob Hope	Aw, thank you, Gonzo. I love doing this show.
Gonzo 	Yeah. If your nose weren't so small you'd probably be a big star like me. (leaves)
Bob Hope	I hate doing this show.
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Mr. Bob Hope!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler & Waldorf	Why us?
 	
 	Explosion. Crazy Harry blows Gonzo away.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you and welcome to The Muppet Show. Hey, we are lucky because do you know who our guest star is?
Animal 	Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who, frog, who? Who? Who? Who? (pants)
Kermit 	Our guest star is Bob Hope!
 	Applause.
Animal 	(jumps around) Bob Hope! Bob Hope! Bob Hope!
Kermit 	Yeah!
 	
Animal 	… who Hope?
Kermit 	Animal, will you stop bugging me? Go do something to calm down. Go find a hobby or something.
Animal 	Ah! (jumps around) Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby. Hobby! Hobby! (goes offstage)
Kermit 	Wonderful. Okay. Where were we now?
Animal 	(briefly comes back) Hobby! Hobby! Hobby! Hobby!
Kermit 	Uh, oh yes, we were at the opening number. Oh, the opening number — here it is, ladies and gentlemen — calypso time!
 	Open on an island setting. Piggy dances along to a pig backup band.
Pigs 	
Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Piggy, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.
Miss Piggy	
All day long I sit around,
Dreaming of the love I found.
Because I really love my frog,
And when I love, I go WHOLE HOG!
(trills)
Pigs 	
Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Piggy, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.
 	
Miss Piggy	Yee-ha!
Kermie is the reason why
I have this twinkle in my eye.
Kermie, Kermie, shy and cute,
How I love that handsome brute!
(trills)
Pigs 	
Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, having fun.
Dancing, singing, in the sun.
Yoo-hoo, Kermit, come and dance.
Tell us of your gay romance.
 	200px
Kermit 	
Frog has come to have his say:
The pig will never get her way.
Bib and napkin, knife and fork
Is the only way that I'll touch pork.
Miss Piggy	WHAT?!? Hi-YAH!
 	She karate-chops him. Applause.
Statler 	Hm. I like those steel drums.
Waldorf 	What?
Statler 	(out loud) The pigs' steel drums!
Waldorf 	I believe it. They'd take anything that's not nailed down.
==Backstage==
 	The pigs pass by Fozzie, hollering.
Fozzie	Hey, pigs, yeah. Hoy, hoy, whatever. Yes, yes! Oh, Kermit, Kermit, listen.
Kermit	Uh, yes?
 	
Fozzie	I just stopped by Bob Hope's dressing room and you know what?
Kermit	Hm?
Fozzie	(pulls him close) He is not there.
Kermit	Uh, yeah, I know. He's across town doing another show.
Fozzie	He... He hasn't even done THIS show!
Kermit	Well, he promised he'd be back. He's doing a benefit.
Fozzie	He's doing a disappearing act.
Kermit	Uh, look, Fozzie, Bob Hope is the busiest man in show business. He's a humanitarian. He does benefits all the time. He'll be back.
Fozzie	Oh.
 	They overhear a commotion at the stage door and go over to look. Floyd and Zoot cheer.
Animal	(roaring)
Floyd 	Yeah, Animal, go get 'em! Go get 'em! Hey, look out there!
Kermit	Hey — what's going on?
Floyd 	Oh, hey, Kermit. Remember you told Animal he should take up a hobby to calm his nerves?
Kermit	What kind of hobby did he take up?
Floyd 	Alligator wrestling. Yeah, get him, baby! Ha ha! Nice try!
 	Some alligators pass by, waving surrender flags. Animal emerges, wrestling another one.
Floyd 	Yeah, come on, Animal. Open it.
 	
 	Animal pries open the gator's jaws and wrestles it to the ground. Floyd laughs.
==Bob's stand-up==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for me to introduce a man whose reputation is so great that I don't know how to make a suitable introduction.
 	
Fozzie 	Psst. A long one would be suitable.
Kermit 	What?
Fozzie 	He's not here yet.
Kermit 	Uh... uh, well, uh, yes, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, there's really no need to go into Bob Hope's past triumphs in film, radio and television. Ahem. But we may have to.
Fozzie 	Psst. Kermit!
Kermit 	Uh, Fozzie, is he here yet?
Fozzie 	No, I'm just going out to lunch. Can I get... Can I get you anything?
Kermit 	Uh, Bob Hope.
Fozzie 	Uh, no. Sorry, you have to settle for pastrami on rye. Oh! Oh, he's here! He's here!
Kermit 	Oh, yeah?
 	The curtain opens, and Bob emerges to a fanfare. Applause.
Kermit 	Bob! Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!
Bob Hope	Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Kermit. It's been a ball doing the show. Maybe we can do it again sometime, huh? Good night.
Kermit 	Wait a minute! You can't go now. You just got here.
Bob Hope	I'm sorry, Kermit, but I'm on a very tight schedule.
 	
Kermit 	But you didn't even say, "Hi, this is Bob 'happy to be on The Muppet Show ' Hope".
Bob Hope	I know, but I...
Kermit 	Not even one, "What I want to tell ya..."
Bob Hope	I'm sorry.
Kermit 	Or even, "Seriously, folks."
Bob Hope	Wait a minute. You just did my whole act.
Kermit 	Yeah, but with no jokes.
Bob Hope	That's my act. Look, Kermit, I have to do a testimonial, but I'll be back.
Kermit 	It'll be too late.
Bob Hope	No, it won't. I'm taking the Concorde. How long can that take? If we land.
Kermit 	I know, but uh...
Bob Hope	Look, Kermit, I'm sorry, but I've already cancelled one benefit to be here.
Kermit 	You did?
Bob Hope	Yes. (takes out a paper) It was for the, uh, Flying Zucchini Brothers. You ever hear of them?
Kermit 	Yeah, I have.
Bob Hope	Well, tell them I'm sorry if you ever see 'em again.
Kermit 	Oh, I don't plan to. They were terrible.
Scooter 	Excuse me, Mr. Hope. Hey, Kermit, did you book that human cannonball act, the Flying Zucchini Brothers?
Kermit 	Of course not.
Scooter 	Well, they're here.
 	The Zucchini Brothers take the stage, clamoring around Kermit, Scooter and Bob, pushing them offstage.
Bob Hope	Call the embassy! Call the police! Call Angie Dickinson. Call Columbo!
Statler 	Well, Bob Hope is gone.
Waldorf 	I'm not surprised. It's what I've always said about this show. There's no hope.
Statler 	Would you repeat that?
Waldorf 	Of course not. I'm sorry I said it in the first place.
Statler 	I should hope so.
Waldorf 	Hmm?
=="For What It's Worth"==
 	
 	Open on a peaceful forest setting. The woodland animals pop up and look around. An opossum sings.
Possum 	
There's something happening here.
What it is ain't exactly clear.
There's a man with a gun over there,
Telling me I got to beware.
It's time we —
Animals 	
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
 	They all hide as some trigger-happy hunters pass by, shooting their rifles in the air and hollering.
Hunters 	Oh! Oh! There's one there! Someone shoot it. Hey! Aaah!
 	The hunters leave, and the animals come back out.
 	
Possum 	
The strangers come into our wood.
We'd understand them if only we could.
But what's the reason that they can give
For not wanting you and me to live?
It's time we —
Animals 	
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
 	They hide again. The hunters pass by in the other direction, still firing, whooping and hollering.
Hunters 	Ooh, whoo, tear it up!
Possum 	
The forest echoes silent woes.
A million years of bucks and does
Passed silently before today.
Can't we all live our own way?
Animals 	
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going 'round.
Stop! (Hey) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going down.
Stop! (Children) What's that sound?
Everybody look what's going down.
 	The hunters return, having ceased fire.
Hunters 	(laughing)
Hunter (DG)	Hey, what did you get?
 	
Hunter (JN)	Oh, I shot me a motorsickle.
Hunter (DG)	Oh. I got me a tractor.
Hunter (RH)	Yeah, well, I wounded me the biggest cement truck you ever saw.
Hunters 	(laughing)
 	The animals pop back up when the hunters leave.
Animals 	Stop.
 	Applause.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) Today is the opening day of the fishing season, and…
 	
 	Gunshots are heard, and fish fall from the sky onto the desk.
==Bob returns==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay. Moving right along now...
Scooter 	Excuse me, Kermit? That human cannonball act just called.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Scooter 	They're gonna send Bob Hope back.
Kermit 	Well, when's he gonna get here?
Scooter 	Oh, soon. Uh, they're sending him by cannon.
 	
 	A loud explosion is heard. They watch as Bob sails onto the stage.
Kermit 	Uh, uh... Hi, Bob.
Bob Hope	Eat your heart out, Concorde.
Kermit 	(chuckles) Uh, how did you like the trip?
Bob Hope	Oh, I love traveling by cannonball. After all, I'm a high-caliber performer.
Kermit 	Yeah, well, you really made a hit on our stage.
Bob Hope	I know, but I think the carpenters can fix it.
Kermit 	Uh, well, don't worry about it. Listen, it's great to have you back with us. Now we can sit back and listen to one of those wonderful Bob Hope monologues.
 	
Bob Hope	Are you kidding? I'm already late for my next benefit, The Japanese Pole Vaulters' Retirement Fund.
Kermit 	The Japanese Pole Vaulters' Retirement Fund? Then you're going away again?
Bob Hope	No, I invited them here!
 	The pole vaulters make their way across the stage.
Bob Hope	Hey, it's a pleasure to be with all of you pole vaulters here tonight. These guys must go over more bars than Dean Martin's elbow.
 	They laugh.
Bob Hope	Come on to my dressing room, huh?
 	They vault away. Bob follows them.
Kermit 	Uh … well, uh, there goes our guest star. Uh, there goes everybody's guest star.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with a leek and a meat cleaver.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses them aside and addresses the covered plate on the table, opening the lid to reveal a live duck.
 	
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de prëssed dück. … (mock Swedish) … de dück.
Duck 	Quack.
 	The Chef digs up an iron.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … de dück-prëssër. (mock Swedish)
 	The duck runs away. The Chef chases it.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) Hëy thëre dückÿ! Hëy dückÿ, cøme øn!
 	The duck grabs the iron and makes off with it. The Chef comes back and looks around.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) … Whëre de dücky?
 	He looks up. KLANG! The iron drops on his head. The duck flies away. Applause.
==Muppet newsflash==
Newsman	Here is a Muppet news flash. (runs to the desk) This is the opening night of the opera season...
 	
 	An opera singer falls from the ceiling, having been shot by an unknown hunter.
=="Pathétique"==
 	
 	Rowlf performs Beethoven's "Pathétique".
Scooter	Rowlf, the show's running long. Make it as short as you can.
 	Rowlf quickly concludes playing.
==UK spot==
	
	J. P. Grosse joins Kermit, Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Rowlf, Scooter, Robin, Floyd, Baskerville, and the Afghan Hound for a medley which includes the songs "Long, Long Ago," "Aura Lee," "Believe Me If All Those Endearing Young Charms," and "Sweet Genevieve".
==Muppet Labs==
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Dr. Bunsen Honeydew here at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today. And here is my assistant, Beaker, to demonstrate the Muppets' all-new automatic wastebasket. Yes, audience, this should end your trash disposal problems forever. Whatever the refuse, this little doozy can handle it. Show them, Beaker, my lad.
 	Beaker puts a tin can in the wastebasket, which eats it up.
Wastebasket 	Thank you. More, please.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Let's see another example, Beaker.
 	
 	Beaker feeds the wastebasket another tin can.
Wastebasket 	More! More!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Just imagine never having to empty a wastebasket again.
 	Beaker frantically feeds it more garbage.
Wastebasket 	More! More, more!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Order your wastebasket today. It comes in both regular or housebroken models.
Wastebasket 	Want more! Want more.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Shh — do try to keep him quiet, Beaker, please.
Wastebasket 	More, more!
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Just send us $22.95 and we'll send you a Muppet wastebasket.
 	The basket starts devouring Beaker's head.
Dr. Bunsen Honeydew	Or uh, send us $32.95 and we won't.
Statler 	It's the most consistent show I've seen.
Waldorf 	Yes, they get worse every single week.
Statler 	(laughs)
==Bob returns==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters.
Kermit 	Okay, well, moving right along now, folks, we uh …
 	A fanfare plays as the curtain opens and Bob re-emerges. Applause.
Bob Hope	Hi, Kermit.
Kermit 	Bob, what are you doing here?
Bob Hope	Well, I'm ready.
Kermit 	For what?
Bob Hope	My monologue. I just finished the last of my benefit performances and the rest of the day is all yours.
Kermit 	Oh. Well, um... Gee, uh… (gulp) ... uh, we don't have time for your monologue now.
Bob Hope	What? Well, why not?
Kermit 	Well — well, Gonzo the Great is on next. He's gonna do his impersonations of bread.
Bob Hope	I've seen Gonzo's impersonations of bread. He's backstage now, loafing around.
Kermit 	That's very good, but — but seriously, I can't disappoint him. He's been practicing his pumpernickel for weeks. But uh, he's left crumbs all over the backstage.
Bob Hope	Yeah, I met some of them.
Kermit 	Sorry about that. But listen, Bob, if you want, you could do the cowboy sketch at the end at the end of the show.
Bob Hope	The cowboy sketch?
Kermit 	Mm-hm.
Bob Hope	Is it good?
Kermit 	Is it good? Oh- the cowboy sketch is terrific. I was gonna do it myself, but it's yours.
Bob Hope	Oh, that's great. Boy, the cowboy sketch sounds better than a monologue anyway.
 	
Gonzo 	Kermit, Kermit! Cancel my bread impersonations act.
Kermit 	Why? What happened?
Gonzo 	They didn't deliver my poppy seeds. You wouldn't want me to work out there naked, would you?
Bob Hope	Why not? You've got the crust for it.
Kermit 	(chuckles)
Gonzo 	Well, listen, Kermit. Just because my bread impersonations are canceled, don't think that you can talk me into doing that lousy cowboy sketch, okay?
 	Kermit, stammering, leads Gonzo offstage. Bob glares at the camera.
Bob Hope	You know how it feels to be conned by a frog? … Do you?
==Backstage==
Floyd 	(scatting)
Kermit	Hey, uh, Floyd, Animal's still not alligator wrestling, is he?
Floyd 	Oh, no, man. He gave that up. Said it was too easy. (laughs) Yeah, he's taken up bowling now.
Kermit	Oh, well, that's much better. Much better and much safer.
Floyd 	Mm... I don't know, man. Animal bowls overhand.
 	
 	Several bowling balls fly by, hitting various Muppets.
Gonzo 	What's that?
Animal	(off-screen) Strike!
=="Nola"==
	
	Rowlf performs "Nola". During the complicated number, he grows another hand to complete it.
=="Don't Fence Me In"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Uh, growing up down on the lily pad, I never thought I'd be standing on a stage introducing Bob Hope. But uh, by the same token, I bet he never thought he'd be introduced by a frog. But here he is now, in the famous cowboy sketch …
Bob Hope 	(peeking from the curtain) I'll get you for this, Frog.
Kermit 	Uh, just get on the horse, Bob. It'll be great. Ahem. Uh, here he is in that very famous cowboy sketch. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope!
 	Open on Bob, atop Paul Revere. Western music plays.
 	
Bob Hope 	Well, here I am, out in the wide open spaces at last. Alone with the sagebrush and the silence.
Paul Revere	Hey, Hope, what do you say we stop for a beer?
Bob Hope 	My luck. I'm stuck with a talking horse.
Paul Revere	What's the matter? You don't like the little conversation?
Bob Hope 	Not with some two-bit horse.
Paul Revere	I'm not a two-bit horse!
Bob Hope 	Oh, yeah? You bit me twice.
Paul Revere	(laughs) Yeah, well, you deserved it. Your spurs are as cold as ice. Why don't you lose some weight?
Bob Hope 	Now I know why they call them nags. Are you ready to do the song?
Paul Revere	Oh, sure. Why not?
Bob Hope 	Yeah - but wait a minute. We're in the middle of the desert. Where's the music coming from?
Paul Revere	Oh, there's a tape deck in the saddle.
 	The music stops. Bob removes a cassette tape.
Bob Hope 	Stereophonic horse.
Paul Revere	(laughs)
 	He puts the cassette back in, and the music resumes. They sing "Don't Fence Me In.
Paul Revere	Say, Hope, what are you doing out here? You're not a real cowboy.
 	
Bob Hope 	Are you kiddin'? I've got a big spread in Texas.
Paul Revere	Yeah. Got one south of the border, too. (laughs)
Bob Hope 	Oh, a fat joke, huh?
Paul Revere	Yeah, I suppose now you'll get even with a swayback joke.
Bob Hope 	Well, that last joke goes "swayback".
Paul Revere	(laughs) Aw, I can't take this much longer. When's this song end?
Bob Hope 	We got eight bars to go.
Paul Revere	Well, I hope one of them has a lunch counter.
Bob Hope 	(laughs) A funny horse! I bet on them all the time.
 	They do one last chorus. Applause.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay. Well, we could uh, go on forever, but I think we'll give you a break and bring this episode of The Muppet Show to a close. But before we do, let's have a warm thank you for our very special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bob Hope! Yay!
 	Applause.
Bob Hope 	Hey, thank you very much. Thank you, Kermit. Thank you. (calls) Taxi! Taxi!
 	The Zucchini brothers and the pole vaulters clamor the stage.
Kermit 	What was that?
Floyd 	Animal's got a new hobby. He's taken up hunting.
Kermit 	Hunting?!
 	
 	Animal comes out with a bazooka, which he fires.
Animal 	Bunny rabbit! Bunny rabbit! (BOOM!)
Zucchini Brothers	Booma-booma! Yeah, booma-booma!
Bob Hope 	This isn't happening. This is just a hangover. I know it.
Animal 	(roars)
Bob Hope 	It'll be better in the morning, I'm sure.
Animal 	Bunny rabbit!
Kermit 	We'll see you next time, if there is one, uh, on The Muppet Show!
 	The scene ends in chaos as the credits roll.
Waldorf 	Hey, doesn't Hope usually sing "Thanks For the Memories"?
Statler 	Why would he want to remember this?
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts