SpongeBob the Therapist

SpongeBob the Therapist is the thirty-eighth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show, and the final episode of the fourth season. It was written by and released on April 20, 2023.
== Transcript ==
[Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig are sitting on a sofa in a therapy office. The clock keeps ticking as Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig nervously await the therapist to open their mouth.]
Therapist: So… do tell me… 
[The therapist spins around revealing themself to be Sparro.]
Sparro: …when did this all begin?
Mummy Pig: Sparro?!
Sparro: Like whoa.
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob recommended him. He’s supposed to be really good.
Sparro: Hasn’t been a couple I haven’t sorted out yet. So, as I was saying, where did this start?
Daddy Pig: March 16, 1979. I remember it well… or at least I remember what my parents told me about it. It was a Friday and my mother was in the kitchen making dinner when suddenly her tummy started kicking and-
Mummy Pig: Oh shut up, you twat!
Daddy Pig: What did I do now, ya wanker?!
Mummy Pig: He means when did WE begin, not when you were fucking born, you plonker!
Daddy Pig: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A PLONKER?!
Mummy Pig: Of course I did, you plonker!
Daddy Pig: HOW DARE YOU! 
[Daddy Pig turns to Sparro.]
Daddy Pig: DID YOU HEAR THAT, SPARRO?! MY WIFE CALLED ME A PLONKER! I REALLY CAN’T BELIEVE HER SOMETIMES! THE BLOODY CHEEK OF IT! I WORK EIGHT HOURS A DAY TO PUT BREAD ON THE TABLE, AND SHE CALLS ME A PLONKER! Mummy Sheep never called me a plonker.
Mummy Pig: Oh, here we go again! You’re always comparing me to Mummy Sheep, aren’t ya? He cheated on me with her, you know, Sparro.
Daddy Pig: And I’d do it again! I can’t believe I dumped her and came back to you.
Mummy Pig: YOU DIDN’T DUMP HER! SHE CAME OUT AS A LESBIAN AND LEFT YOU!
Daddy Pig: SAME THING INNIT?!
Mummy Pig: HOW THE FUCK IS THAT THE SAME THING?!
Daddy Pig: IT’S EXACTLY THE SAME THING!
Sparro: Fuck this.
[Sparro stands up and walks of out the therapy office.]
Daddy Pig: Some counsellor he is. He just fucking walked out in the middle of our session!
Mummy Pig: Unbelievable. 
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. SpongeBob and Gary 3 are watching iCarly.]
Carly: (on TV) What you got there?
[Cut to Spencer with an ostrich.]
Spencer: (on TV) A smoothie.
[Laugh track; SpongeBob and Gary 3 burst into a fit of laughter.]
SpongeBob: This show’s amazing!
Sam: (on TV) I think she meant the gigantic bird.
Gary 3: Didn’t Sikowitz say that Sam was roommates with one of his students once? 
Peppa Pig Narrator: Sikowitz used to live with SpongeBob, Gary 3 and Daddy Pig.
Gary 3: He said she reminded him of Ariana Grande or someone.
SpongeBob: I don’t know. I try to forget a pedophile used to live with us.
[Daddy Pig walks in.]
Daddy Pig: Augh.
SpongeBob: Hey Daddy Pig. How was couples’ counseling?
Daddy Pig: Don’t even ask. I’m cream crackered.
SpongeBob: Oh. So it didn’t go well?
[Daddy Pig falls down on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: I said don’t even ask!
SpongeBob Well oka-
Daddy Pig: THAT’S THE FIFTH THERAPIST WE’VE BEEN TO AND EVERY SINGLE ONE HAS WALKED OUT ON US!
SpongeBob: I’m sorry. I thought setting you up with Sparro would work. I’ve heard nothing but great things about him.
Gary 3: Nah, apparently his therapist work is just a side hustle for his human trafficking scheme.
Daddy Pig: What?
SpongeBob: GARY! Sparro is not a human trafficker!
Gary 3: Oh yeah? Then where’s Nicola Bulley, hm?
SpongeBob: She drowned in that river!
Gary 3: There’s no proof.
SpongeBob: The police literally found her body!
Gary 3: That could have been anyone’s body.
SpongeBob: HOW COULD IT HAVE BEEN ANYONE’S BODY?!
Gary 3: Sparro is worse than Andrew Tate, I’m telling ya.
SpongeBob: I thought you stanned Andrew Tate.
Gary 3: I do! Human trafficking is only bad when Sparro does it.
SpongeBob: WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SPARRO?!
Daddy Pig: GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN! I’m sure Sparro is a lovely lad, but… well… I just think that maybe… Mummy Pig and I getting back together wasn’t such a good idea after all.
SpongeBob: What?! That’s crazy! You’re closer than Nick and Charlie!
Daddy Pig: We have an argument basically every time we’re together!
SpongeBob: That just means you love each other!
Daddy Pig: I don’t know if that’s true.
SpongeBob: Well, you both want to get back together, right?
Daddy Pig: I mean… I think so?
SpongeBob: (stands up) Then I won’t let my best friend fall out of this relationship again!
Daddy Pig: I thought Patrick was your best friend.
SpongeBob: He’s dead.
Daddy Pig: Oh.
SpongeBob: Daddy Pig, I will be your therapist and fix you and Mummy Pig!
[Pause; Gary 3 and Daddy Pig start laughing.]
SpongeBob: …what? What did I say?
Gary 3: SpongeBob, you’re the least qualified therapist I know.
Daddy Pig: Yeah, I’m sorry SpongeBob but you’ve never been… um… the best with emotions, if you know what I mean. Yesterday you cried over spilled milk.
SpongeBob: It was limited edition Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy milk!
Daddy Pig: I’m really sorry SpongeBob but I think I’ll just try and look for another therapist and, well, if they can’t help… I guess we’ll have to split.
SpongeBob: NO!! I WON’T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU! Trust me, Daddy Pig…
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: Oh, alright then.
SpongeBob: YESSS! Thank you, Daddy Pig, I won’t let you down!
Daddy Pig: I’m going to make Coco Pops.
[Daddy Pig walks off.]
Gary 3: …I still think Sparro took Nicola Bulley.
SpongeBob: Fuck off.
[Bubble transition; SpongeBob’s living room has been converted into a makeshift therapy office. SpongeBob is wearing a smart pair of glasses as Daddy Pig lies opposite him on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: I’m having second thoughts about this.
SpongeBob: Relax, Mr. Pig. I’m sure our session will commence swimmingly.
Daddy Pig: Why are you talking like that?
SpongeBob: Is- Is this not how therapists talk?
Daddy Pig: No. Also, I’m a bit of an expert on grammar and I’m pretty sure “commence” means begin.
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Daddy Pig: You said the session will “commence” “swimmingly”.
SpongeBob: Yeah?
Daddy Pig: You’re implying it won’t end “swimmingly”.
SpongeBob: It will be fine, I promise.
[A knock is heard at the door.]
SpongeBob: It’s open!
[Mummy Pig walks in.]
Mummy Pig: I still can’t get used to the fact that you live in a pineapple, SpongeBob. Thanks again for offering to help us out.
SpongeBob: Please, Mummy Pig, I just like to help out.
[Mummy Pig sniffs the air.]
Mummy Pig: Are you wearing Ariana Grande perfume?
SpongeBob: Sweet Like Candy. You like it?
Mummy Pig: Sureee.
[Mummy Pig notices Daddy Pig’s fat ass lying down on the couch.]
Daddy Pig: Hi Mummy Pig!
Mummy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Soooo… heh, where should I sit?
SpongeBob: Oh, anywhere is fine.
Mummy Pig: Oh. Daddy Pig, could you- actually I’ll just sit on the floor.
[Mummy Pig sits cross-legged on the floor.]
SpongeBob: So, in order to fix your relationship all we have to do is remind you both how you fell in love in the first place, acknowledge what made you two fall out, and then resolve said conflict. It’s pretty easy, actually.
[Mummy Pig raises her hand.]
SpongeBob: Mummy Pig, I’m trying to talk here.
Mummy Pig: Sorry, but, um… have you actually done any therapy work before?
SpongeBob: Absolutely none. Now, as I was saying-
Mummy Pig: I think I’d rather go back to Sparro.
Daddy Pig: Mummy Pig! SpongeBob’s trying to help us out here. He let me stay with him for the past couple of years, I’m sure he knows what he’s doing.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Actually, that last part was a lie. But I do think we should hear him out!
Mummy Pig: Ugh, fine. I just don’t see how he could do better than any of our other bloody autistic therapists.
SpongeBob: Hey! I am NOT bloody! But anyway, I think to begin we should discuss how you two met.
Mummy Pig: Awww, you remember our cute meet, don’t you, Daddy Pig?
[Daddy Pig is fast asleep.]
Mummy Pig: DADDY PIG!!
Daddy Pig: Eh?! What?
SpongeBob: I was asking how you met.
Daddy Pig: Oh, yeah…
[Flashback to when Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig first met at the Peppa Pig World McDonald’s. A young Daddy Pig is in line for a Big Mac. Mummy Pig approaches the counter.]
Mummy Pig: Hey, could I please have a chicken salad and a McFlurry please?
Miss Rabbit: (behind the counter) Of course! That’ll be two pounds please.
[Mummy Pig gives her the money.]
Miss Rabbit: Thank you! Have a nice day!
[Mummy Pig gets in the queue to wait for her food.]
Daddy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Mummy Pig: Hi.
[Pause.]
Daddy Pig: You ordering the chicken salad?
Mummy Pig: Um… you were listening in on my order?
Daddy Pig: Well I, uh… I’m just glad another person in this joint has good taste.
Mummy Pig: (laughs) Oh, stop it, you!
Daddy Pig: The name’s Pig. Daddy Pig.
Mummy Pig: I’m Mummy Pig.
Daddy Pig: I ordered a Big Mac if you, um… if you wanna share.
Mummy Pig: You know what? Sure. I still have an hour of my lunch break.
[Cut back to the present.]
Mummy Pig: He only wanted my McDonald’s but I kinda respected that, you know?
Daddy Pig: I went in line for a Big Mac and walked home with a big man- WOMAN! Big woman! I’m not gay!
Peppa Pig Narrator: Daddy Pig has repressed homoerotic feelings.
Daddy Pig: I DO NOT!
Mummy Pig: Big woman? Are you calling me fat?
Daddy Pig: Maybe.
[The two laugh.]
Daddy Pig: We got married and a couple years later we forgot to use a condom and Peppa was born! I couldn’t ask for a better lesbian daughter.
Mummy Pig: Same. And then a few years later we got a diabetic autistic son!
Daddy Pig: Maybe he’s a lesbian too.
Mummy Pig: Maybe.
Daddy Pig: Maybe the real lesbian is the friends we made along the way!
[The two laugh again.]
SpongeBob: See? You two DO like each other! Being a therapist is even easier than I thought! Why can’t you be like this all the time?!
Daddy Pig: I don’t know! I mean, it’s all Mummy Pig’s fault that we fell out in the first place!
Mummy Pig: …what?
Daddy Pig: I’m just saying, it’s all your fault that we fell out in the first place!
Mummy Pig: …m- my- my fault?! How the fucking hell is it my fault?!
Daddy Pig: Well you’re the one who kicked me out of my own home! You can’t deny that, woman!
Mummy Pig: I’m not denying that, you bitch-ass-motherfucker! I kicked you out because you fucked Mummy Sheep and Miss Rabbit!
Daddy Pig: THOSE WERE ONE-TIME THINGS!
Mummy Pig: YOU GOT BACK WITH MUMMY SHEEP THE SECOND I KICKED YOU OUT!
Daddy Pig: SHE HAS A VERY DEEP PUSSY! And I broke up with her in the end, didn’t I?
Mummy Pig: SHE BROKE UP WITH YOU BECAUSE SHE REALISED SHE DOESN’T LIKE MEN!
Daddy Pig: SAME FUCKING THING, INNIT BRUV!
SpongeBob: Please stop…
Mummy Pig: IT’S NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING AT ALL, “BRUV”!
SpongeBob: Help me.
Mummy Pig: YOU ARE THE LOUSIEST AND SCUMMIEST EXCUSE OF A MAN I HAVE EVER MET!
SpongeBob: why are we here? just to suffer?
Daddy Pig: I’M THE MANLIEST MAN WHO EVER MAN’D! YOU COULD NEVER DO BETTER THAN ME!
Mummy Pig: I DID DO BETTER THAN YOU! WITH MR. BULL!
Daddy Pig: YOU HAD SEX WITH FUCKING MR. BULL?!!!!!!!
Mummy Pig: YES! AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW IT WAS THE BEST ORGASM I EVER HAD!
SpongeBob: None of that please.
Mummy Pig: OH SHUT UP, YOU TWAT! I’M JUST MAKING A POINT!
Daddy Pig: WHAT POINT?!
Mummy Pig: THAT MR. BULL TREATED ME BETTER THAN YOU EVER DID!
Daddy Pig: OH REALLY?! HOW CAN YOU GET MAD AT ME FOR GETTING ENGAGED TO MUMMY SHEEP WHILE YOU WERE OFF SUCKING OFF MR. BULL, HUH?!
Mummy Pig: WHO SAID THIS WAS HAPPENING WHILE YOU WERE TRYING TO GET MARRIED WITH MUMMY SHEEP?!
Daddy Pig: …what?
Mummy Pig: …what?
Daddy Pig: This was… BEFORE I was with Mummy Sheep?
Mummy Pig: …yeah? Why?
Daddy Pig: You were with Mr. Bull when I was still with you?
Mummy Pig: …yeahhhh?
Peppa Pig Narrator: Oh dear. Mummy Pig cheated on Daddy Pig.
[Daddy Pig starts crying.]
Mummy Pig: Wh- what’s the matter?
Daddy Pig: Sp- SpongeBob was right! We really are perfect for each other!
[Daddy Pig starts intensely blushing as he passionately makes out with Mummy Pig. Gary 3 walks in.]
Gary 3: Hey guys, I learnt morse code!
[Gary 3 notices Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig making out.]
Gary 3: Bye.
[Gary 3 leaves again.]
SpongeBob: Um guys, could you please-
[The two continue making out.]
SpongeBob: Should I-
[The two start taking their clothes off; SpongeBob covers his eyes.]
SpongeBob: I’M GONNA GO!
[SpongeBob runs out after Gary 3; bubble transition to SpongeBob, Gary 3 and Daddy Pig outside the pineapple. Daddy Pig is holding several suitcases. Mummy Pig, Peppa Pig and George Pig are waiting in Mummy Pig’s car.]
SpongeBob: So… heh. I guess… this is it?
Daddy Pig: …yeah, I, uh… I guess so.
SpongeBob: We’ll- we’ll still see each other, right?
Daddy Pig: …yeah, uh, yeah, of course! Of course we’ll still see each other! I just can’t wait to wake up every day and see my kids again.
SpongeBob: Yeah… I know this is for the best. It’s just that…
[SpongeBob breaks down in tears.]
SpongeBob: I’LL MISS YOU SO MUCH, DADDY PIG!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig embrace.]
Daddy Pig: (crying) I’LL MISS YOU TOO, SPONGEBOB!
Gary 3: Augh, get a room!
[Mummy Pig honks her horn.]
Mummy Pig: Come on, Daddy Pig!
Peppa: There’s a big muddy puddle back home that we saved just for you!
[SpongeBob and Daddy Pig stop hugging. Daddy Pig wipes his and SpongeBob’s tears away.]
Daddy Pig: I’m not good with technology, but I’ll WhatsApp you as soon as I get home, okay?
SpongeBob: What’s WhatsApp?
Daddy Pig: Ugh, you stupid American!
SpongeBob: You stupid Brit!
[The two hug again and Daddy Pig hops in the car with his suitcases.]
Daddy Pig: Well, what are we waiting for?! Let’s go!
[Mummy Pig starts the engine.]
Peppa: Bye, SpongeBob!
George: Bye-bye!
Mr. Dinosaur:
SpongeBob: Bye Daddy Pig!
Daddy Pig: Bye SpongeBob!
[The Pig family drive off; SpongeBob starts crying again.]
Gary 3: What’s the matter?
SpongeBob: …I’ll miss that bastard.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: OH!
[SpongeBob rushes back inside the house; cut to the Pigs’ car driving off. Don’t You (Forget About Me) from The Breakfast Club is blasting on the radio.]
Mummy Pig and Daddy Pig: 🎶WON’T YOU COME SEE ABOUT ME?🎶
🎶I’LL BE ALONE, DANCING, YOU KNOW IT BABY🎶
🎶TELL ME YOUR TROUBLES AND DOUBTS🎶
🎶GIVING EVERYTHING INSIDE AND OUT AND🎶
🎶LOVE’S STRANGE, SO REAL IN THE DARK🎶
[SpongeBob starts chasing after the car holding a sock which blows in the wind.]
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG!!!!!!!! DADDY PIG!!!!!!!
Peppa: Daddy!
Daddy Pig: What?!
Peppa: SpongeBob’s following us!
Mummy Pig: WHAT THE-
[Mummy Pig stops the car in the middle of the road. SpongeBob keeps running and knocks into it. Daddy Pig gets out of the car and runs towards the rear end, where SpongeBob is lying on the floor.]
Daddy Pig: SpongeBob?!
[Daddy Pig picks SpongeBob up.]
Daddy Pig: What in God’s name are you doing?
[SpongeBob passes Daddy Pig the sock.]
SpongeBob: You forgot your cumsock. 
[Don't You (Forget About Me) continues playing as the credits begin to roll.]
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