No Nut November

No Nut November is the ninth episode of Season One of The World of SBFW.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens with Golfpecks dialing the police, because of course it does.]
Golfpecks: Ugh, stupid piPhone, other brands are available.
[The phone rings.]
911 Receptionist Guy: 911, what’s your emergency?
Golfpecks: I’d like to register a noise complaint.
911 Receptionist Guy: K, I'll call you back later. (goes to hang up)
Golfpecks: Wait, no-
911 Receptionist Guy: (groan) Fine, let's hear it.
Golfpecks: I’ve been hearing various groans coming from Mr. Sullivan’s house. It’s been interrupting me from doing political pro-Biden stuff.
911 Receptionist Guy: Hey, what a coincidence! I just got some calls the other day about that exact same thing. In fact, you’re the lucky 100th caller who told me about that! Congratulations!
Golfpecks: What?
911 Receptionist Guy: Your prize is a dime, a paper-clip, and some underwear I stole from a church five years ago! It's holy and hole-y.
Golfpecks: I don’t want any of those things, I just want you to stop my neighbour from groaning and moaning all the time!
911 Receptionist Guy: Oh, for that i’ll have to transfer you over to the groaning-and-moaning-neighbour department.
Golfpecks: That's a thing?
911 Receptionist Guy: Yeah, it's right next to the degenerate-12-year-old department and the robots-stuck-in-closets department.
Golfpecks: That's oddly specific.
911 Receptionist Guy: You're obviously not a man of culture.
Golfpecks: Whatever, I don’t care. Just stop him from making these loud noises.
[Golf hangs up]
911 Receptionist Guy: Douchebag. I’m gonna get arrested if I don’t give anyone this underwear.
Golfpecks: It makes me feel nice to be productive and do some good in the world.
Look at that sun, look at that sky,
Look at my sweater vest, it looks so fly!
Look at that mailbox, look at that tree,
It's about as beautiful as it can be!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Today is gonna be exceptional!
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
(We're all living in it)
Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh,
Never boring, even for a minute,
It's my world and we're all living in it!
[Cut to Dan watching TV]
Dan: Ah, what a good day to jack off and watch TV. And thanks to the granolavirus pandemic, I don’t have to worry about anyone seeing me.
[The TV is playing an episode of ThongeSporne, a paranormal investigation show with the occasional funny moment and one-liner]
Dan: This show stinks. Too many dead memes. (he changes the channel)
TV Announcer: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an SBFW news flash!
Dan: Well damn.
News Guy: We have got some breaking news! A new “holiday” or “challenge” or whatever you wanna call it has been introduced to The World of SBFW!
Dan: If it's another day dedicated to that annoying Hoopla guy I'm gonna strangle Ai-
News Guy: The “challenge” is called No Nut November, where you have to go the whole month of November without busting a nut!
Dan: Huh, that doesn't sound nearly as annoy- WAIT WHAT?!
News Guy: Here is the president, Arre, to tell you the rules!
Arre: Ugh, why do I always get roped into- oh, we're rolling. Thank you, News Guy. 
News Guy: I hate my parents.
Arre: What’s up homies it’s ya gurl Arre back at it again with another presidential speech thing. If you enjoy it make sure to like and subscribe and ring that bell to get notified of-
Dan: Get on with it.
Arre: -oh, right. I’m here to tell you the rules of No Nut November. First and foremost, no masturbating, no sex, and especially no nutting!
Dan: I take it back, this show stinks more.
Arre: (muttering, out of character) This is gonna be filled with degenerate sex jokes, isn't it? (normal voice) Number two, no porn.
Dan: Maybe if I switch the channel I can evade this stupid challenge-
Arre, Number three, boners and wet dreams are allowed, unless you’re willingly nutting in the case of the latter.
Dan: Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh-
Arre: And number four, you only have one chance. No three strikes, no second chances. If you nut, you’re out.
Dan: Wait, I'm out? Out of what? Does this mean this is an optional challenge? Oh, bless the lord, I’m saved!
Arre: No you’re not, Dan.
Dan: wait what
Arre: If you break one of the rules throughout November, you’ll get sent to… horny jail.
Dan: NOT HORNY JAIL!!!!
Arre: And because I hate every single one of you, this applies to everyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re male, female, white, black, popular, unpopular, a rookie, or even a bureaucrat. You have to participate, and if you break one of the rules, you have to go to horny jail. No exceptions.
Dan: But what about-
Arre: (smiling) Anyway, have a nice one-
[The screen cuts back to the News Guy.]
News Guy: Thank you, Arre. We now resume with our-
[Dan turns off the TV and stares at the screen motionless.]
Dan: Welp, this can't be that bad. Yeah, I mean November's ages from now!
[He looks at his phone to reveal that it’s 11:59, October 30th]
Dan: SHIT! (sigh) It’s okay, Dan. You can do it. Just go to sleep and spend the entirety of Halloween inside your house rubbing it out. It’s only 30 days. 720 hours. (pulls out a calculator) 43200 minutes. 2.592e+6 seconds. Whatever that means. How bad could it possibly be?
[The next day…]
[Cut to SBFW Street at night where lots of users are dressed up and trick-or-treating, and of course, wearing face masks and keeping a safe distance like decent citizens and following the guidelines like you should be]
CrazySponge (dressed up as Hoopla because why wouldn’t he be): oh boy oh boy i am gonna get all the candy thanks to my high-quality hoopla costume
Lock (dressed up as a house): In your dreams, Aidan. You should know houses are the scariest thing in mankind.
CrazySponge: o
[pause]
CrazySponge: hey didn't you leave the-
[Polar approaches them, dressed as PenisMan]
Polar: Hey guys, how come everyone is shutting their doors on my face screaming?
Lock: I dunno.
Polar: It's a mystery. Anyway, have you guys seen Dan anywhere? It’s not really like him to not trick-or-treat with everyone else.
CrazySponge: maybe he’s jacking off
Polar: I mean, since he’s Dan, that’s possible. But he’s always been trick-or-treating with the rest of us ever since the 2010s. Even when he’s horny.
CrazySponge: i mean i made an effort to show up and i found this really hot fortnite- ill shut up now.
Lock: Maybe he caught the granolavirus and is staying at home as to not spread it… unlike us.
Polar: Nah. That’s too far-fetched.
[Primitive approaches them, dressed as Garfield]
Primitive: Hey, homies. How’s it hanging?
Polar: Prim, have you seen Dan anywhere?
Primitive: Well, I knocked on his door, and he said he was busy doing homework. It looked like there was a leak outside too.
Lock: Hey, wait… he told us he finished all his homework two days ago.
Primitive: Maybe his school assigned more?
Lock: What type of school assigns homeworks on holidays? Besides, we go to the same school, and we’re in the same class, and I don’t have any homework.
CrazySponge: kinda sus am i right?
Primitive: I get it.
Polar: Hmmm… maybe he’s viewing some other homework. With No Nut November being announced yesterday, it doesn’t sound impossible.
CrazySponge: shit i forgot about that.
Lock: They might as well lock you up already.
CrazySponge: heh you said your nam-
Primitive: I guess we might as well let him rub his shaft. Come, I know this cool house that’s giving out Coffee Crisps.
CrazySponge: i prefer cheerios
[Cut to inside of Dan’s house, which is full of a peculiar white liquid]
Dan: God DAMN! I must have climaxed at least 100 times now, and I'm still not done! Ms. Fanservice!
Vanessa (dressed as a maid): Why must you torture me like this?
[Polar sticks her head through the window.]
Polar: hey can i borrow that outfit after the sho-
[Vanessa slams the window in her face.]
Polar: I’ll take that as a no, then.
Dan: Do you not know the importance of this day? This is the day I have to keep my hands out of my pants for 30 days! 30 days!!
Vanessa: But why?
Dan: I dunno, Arre has to get her sick kicks somehow I guess.
Vanessa: I mean why am I here?
Dan: 30 days is a long time, sister.
Vanessa: What’s that supposed to-
[Dan grins]
Vanessa: I feel uncomfortable and I want out.
Dan: I wrote Sexy Time, what did you expe-
[The doorbell rings]
Dan: Ugh. More trick-or-treaters, except like socially distant ones or something. I would give them a real treat but I would be arrested for that. Go shoo them away, Vanessa.
[Vanessa sighs and opens the door]
Temmie: twick o twet
Vanessa: As if this show couldn’t get any worse, now they incorporated dead memes into it.
Temmie: it a polar show, tem pwetty sure its ob-wig-atory
[Vanessa secretly sneaks out and shuts the door behind her]
Vanessa: Finally, I’m free. I can take off this stupid maid costume and get on with my-
Temmie: wut about tem’s cande?
Vanessa: Uh, here, have a Kit-Kat. (She hands her a Kit-Kat) Now to carry on with my bleak life-
Travis: Guess who?
Vanessa: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!
[The next day…]
[Cut to a library where a handful of users are checking out books (and wearing masks and keeping a safe distance) including Dan, who is reading a book about abstinence. Polar and Primitive approach him]
Polar: Hey Dan. What’s up?
Dan: Greetings, fellow homo-sapiens who go by the alias of “Polar Tem” and “Primitive Sponge”. I am reading a piece of literature about the abstinence of masturbation.
Primitive: are you okay
Dan: (awkward laugh) Okay? Okay? I'm feeling better than ever, "Primitive Sponge One Hundred and Twenty Nine"!
Primitive: Are you sure? Because you sound like Golf. Heck, you sound even more like Golf than Golf!
Dan: I don't get what you mean.
[pan over to Golfpecks reading the same book]
Golfpecks: Me neither. This guy is blasphemous!
Polar: I guess No Nut November has really taken its toll on Dan.
Dan: What are you jabbering about? I am the exact same as I have always been.
Primitive: Hmm… I don’t know. You have never spoken this… Shakespearean.
Golfpecks: That man was unproductive! Theatre is the enemy of the people!
[Vanessa is seen in the background picking out a book about cacti]
Polar: Hey, Vanessa! Van Van! Chandelier Bong!
Vanessa: What?
Polar: You were hanging out with Dan all day yesterday. Can you tell us why he’s so… elaborate?
Vanessa: I-
Primitive: Also what’s that white stain on your face?
Vanessa: Don’t you fucking ask about that. If you fucking ask about that fucking stain I swear to fucking God I will shove a fucking cactus down your fucking gullet.
(awkward pause)
Polar: By the way do you still have that mai-
Vanessa: (annoyed) No.
Dan: I like when Vanessa’s angry. It’s so… delightful.
Primitive: what
Dan: (slaps himself) Ugh, what am I saying? I think I need to enter a state of self-reflection. I think I've gone insane.
Golfpecks: I don’t know about the rest of you, but this new Dan is much better than the last one. (under his breath) That phone call really worked.
Dan: Now if you’ll excuse me, I need peace and quiet.
[Polar, Primitive, Vanessa, and Golfpecks all walk away]
Dan: Phew, they’re gone. I can finally stop with this stupid Shakespeare act. Come on Dan. Read, god damn it. Hey, this is a really hot diagram… I think i’ll- No! Keep your hands out of your pants! You can do it, Dan. Just focus, and read. Reeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaad…
[CrazySponge approaches.]
CrazySponge: dan, the horny section's over-
Dan: (throws the book on the floor) Agh! I can't take this anymore! What are you doing here?
CrazySponge: same reason as you
Dan: I can't give up now, I've come too far.
CrazySponge: it's november 1st
Dan: Is it really only lunchtime? 
CrazySponge: the day started 5 hours ago. 
Dan: (sigh) If I give up I'll be the first one to fail!
(CrazySponge gets a phone call.)
Granite: (on phone) Hello? I'm in horny jail. I failed. They only gave me one phone call.
CrazySponge: yeah im a bit busy right now.
Granite: No, don-
(CrazySponge hangs up.)
CrazySponge: anyway if youll excuse me im gonna go read some fortnite hentai mangas
Dan: Horny 12 year old…
CrazySponge: no im infinity+3 im very very old and mature. now to jack off to hot fortnite porn manga hentai XXX uncensored 18+ (he walks off)
Dan: Some people have no taste.
[A few seconds later the horny police arrive at the library]
Horny Police Officer 1: This is the horny police! Come out with your hands up!
Polar: (raises hands) I’m gay.
Horny Police Officer 2: We are looking for a 12 year old kid named Aidan “Crazy” Sponge. (He holds a picture of CrazySponge)
CrazySponge: how many times do i have to tell you i’m infinity+3- (he gets tazed and arrested by the police) -IT WAS ONLY ONE RUB! I DIDNT EVEN CLIMAX!
Horny Police Officer 1: Yeah, tell it to the judge. 
[The Horny Police carry CrazySponge into the police van.]
CrazySponge: hey this is awfully un-socially distant of you.
Horny Police Officer 1: Yeah, we're the police, we can do what we want. (His Horny Tracker beeps) HEY! SOMEONE NAMED ‘FAMILY GUY FAN’ IS JERKING OFF TO BRIAN GRIFFIN! LET’S GET ‘M!
[The Horny Police drive off with CrazySponge.]
Librarian: Thank you, come again!
Dan: (sigh) They got Aidan?! ...wait actually that doesn't really bother me. This no-nutting thing really is serious.
Polar: Yeah, you tell me.
Dan: Polar? I didn’t know you-
Polar: Oh, actually I'm just participating because 1. I have to and 2. I would like to feel special for once in my life.
Dan: Yeah you’re a waste of oxygen.
Polar: Hm?
Dan: Oh, nothi-
Polar: No, no, I totally agree with you. 100%. I probably shouldn’t exist right now. In fact… (she pulls out a gun)
Dan: Wait, no-
Polar: Arrivederci.
[Bang. She’s dead.]
Dan: Oh, oh god. I’m gonna be blamed for this. I gotta hide this body. Now, what’s a place nobody would go to? (a lightbulb appears over his head) Oh, of course!
[Cut to a cemetery.]
Dan: This looks like a good place to bury a body.
[He digs a hole in the ground and throws Polar’s body in it. Then he covers it up]
Dan: That was easy, and almost unnecessary. I should do this more often. (pause) Wait a minute…
[Dan grins.]
Dan: I'm in PornHub HQ! 
[Dan frowns.]
Dan: Aw, I'm in PornHub HQ.
[A hot lady approaches Dan.]
Lady: You lost, buddy?
[Dan screams and runs out of the building back to his house, bolting up the door.]
Dan: Right, that's it! No more messing around!
[He tapes his pants to his body with Flex Tape]
Dan: I'm gonna stay right here in my house where I'm safe for the rest of the month!
[Dan sits on the couch and turns on the TV.]
Dan: I wonder if anything good's on.
[I Had Sex With A Robot is playing on the TV. The screen is censored because uh.]
Ah, push it
Ooh, baby, baby
[Cut back to Dan.]
Dan: Ugh, this isn't really helping.
[He changes the channel to a live virtual British Fish Productions concert.]
Dan: Huh, maybe some music will help.
[Travis is singing "Stop Jacking Off In Class".]
Travis: 🎵You've gotta jacking off in class, it's fucking disgusting man. Wait until you get home.🎵
[Cut back to Dan.]
Dan: Not really helping either.
[Dan changes the channel again. A rerun of ThongeSporne is playing.]
Hoopla: Oh, I haven't read this one in a long time!
[He grabs a book, sits down at an armchair and opens the first page. The phone on the table next to him starts ringing.]
Hoopla: (gasps) Someone requires my services!
[He throws the book out his window and answers the phone.]
Hoopla: (enthusiastic) Thank you for calling PISS: Paranormal Investigators of the Strange and Supernatural. My name is Hoopla, how may I help you?
[Cut back to Dan.]
Dan: Oh, not this show again. It’s tacky and stupid. At least there's nothing here that could make me think about getting it off.
[Cut back to the TV. The camera pans over to the next table where a man is having a date with a copy of "Super Monkey Ball Banana Blitz HD" on Switch.]
SpongeBot: (intensely in love) May I just say how beautiful you look tonight, my love…
[Cut back to Dan.]
Dan: ...this doesn't make me horny, now I'm just really confused.
[SpongeBot is peeking at the TV through the window]
SpongeBot: Ah, that’s hot. That’s hot.
Dan: I really should remember to close that window.
[Dan switches over to The Flintstones Movie.]
SpongeBot: YES!
[A Horny Police car pulls up outside the house.]
Dan: No! Not Bot too!
[Two officers handcuff SpongeBot.]
Horny Police Officer 1: Alright, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.
SpongeBot: I didn’t even-
Horny Police Officer 1: Hard way it is, then!
SpongeBot: Isn't there a medium way?
Horny Police Officer 1: There are no in-betweens in law.
Horny Police Officer 2: Oh, that sounds cool. Can I use it someday?
Horny Police Officer 1: Help yourself.
[SpongeBot is carried back to the car.]
SpongeBot: You can't do this! I have a solicitor!
Horny Police Officer 1: You mean your Elf plushie?
SpongeBot: Hey, don't call him that!
[They throw him in the trunk and drive off]
Dan: Well, better him than me. I've lasted this long, I'm sure the rest can't be that bad.
[Time-jump to Dan sitting in the same spot, now with a beard and a walking stick, and a large crotch.]
Dan: Oh, Lord. How long has it been?
Polar: It’s November 3rd.
Dan: GAAH! Didn’t I bury you?
Polar: Yeah, that was a Nerf gun. Also you really need to stop leaving your windows open.
Dan: I- get out of my house. This is a ‘no girls zone’.
Polar: Fine.
[Polar leaves the house. There is a "no sex allowed" sign in the door. A tumbleweed rolls past the street.]
Polar: Huh. Where is everyone? 
[Cut to Horny Jail, where most of the SBFW users are locked up]
Granite: So, what are you in for?
Stanley Thompson: Well, have you ever played Animal Crossing?
CrazySponge: you can’t lock me up! i’m super duper rich and very popular!
Horny Police Officer 1: We don’t make the rules, kid.
CrazySponge: how many times do i have to tell you i’m infinity+3? matchy! do something or you're fired!
[Pan over to Matchy wearing a school uniform. A laugh track plays while Matchy looks unamused at the audience.]
Matchy: I told you, I can't. There are guards everywhere.
Horny Police Officer 2: Actually, it’s only us two. Well I mean we also have Steel Wool but uh… he's Steel Wool.
Horny Police Officer 1: Shut up, Jo.
Not-Joe: For the last time I'm not Joe!
Horny Police Officer 1: I wasn’t talking to you.
Horny Police Officer 2: Then who are you talking to?
[Horny Police Officer 1 facepalms]
Horny Police Officer 1: I was talking to you!
Horny Police Officer 2: Me?
Horny Police Officer 1: Yes!
Horny Police Officer 2: But my name's Joseph!
Horny Police Officer 1: I know that, But-
Not-Joe: Jeez, this is more pointless than my arguments.
Matchy: Let's sneak out while they're… doing whatever they're doing right now.
CrazySponge: good idea
EB: Why do we even need prison guards anyway? 
[A bunch of them carefully slip out of their cells and tip-toe towards the door, as they’re about to reach it, Arre clears her throat behind them.]
Matchy: Shit.
Arre: And just what are you guys doing?
CrazySponge: oh, uh… hi arre. we were just… uh… polishing the doorknob
[CrazySponge licks his hand and rubs the doorknob]
CrazySponge: see? all clean now
Arre: Get back in your cells, prisoners.
[The users reluctantly go back inside their cells]
Arre: Good. (She turns to the officers) As for you two, I told you to be keeping an eye on the prisoners.
Horny Police Officers: Sorry, Arre.
Arre: If you keep this up, I’ll have to replace you two with Mappy.
[She takes out a white mouse with a tiny police hat]
Horny Police Officer 2: Oh no! Not… Mappy!
Arre: That’s what I thought. So keep an eye on the prisoners, you bozos.
Horny Police Officer 1: Yes, boss.
[Arre goes into a room labeled ‘Employees Only’, where there is a computer, and Golfpecks is sitting beside it.]
Arre: Have you gotten the word out?
Golfpecks: No, sorry. I’m hopeless with technology.
Arre: (sigh) You’re so stupid.
Golfpecks: Well, excuuuuse me.
[Arre types something on her computer]
Arre: Well, it’s time for Plan B. Do you have the-
Golfpecks: Does the B stand for "berries"?
Arre: No. It doesn’t. Do you have the-
Golfpecks: Well it should.
Arre: Whatever. Do you have the-
(pause)
Arre: You're gonna let me speak?
Golfpecks: Eh, sure, go ahead.
Arre: Do you have the virus?
[Golfpecks holds up a jar with a red virus in it]
Arre: Thank you. 
[She takes out a syringe and sucks up the virus. She then injects it into the computer.]
Arre: There we go. Soon, everyone will be infected with the NNN Virus, and the Horny Jail is gonna be packed to the max! I’m gonna make so much cash.
Golfpecks: Can we split it?
Arre: Uh… sure. How about 90/10?
Golfpecks: I believe I should get more than that. I was the one who gave you the idea in the first place.
Arre: Well, who’s the boss?
Golfpecks: (sigh) You.
Arre: Exactly.
[We transition to see a random person on their computer. The virus comes out of it and infects them]
Random Guy: Huh. I have no idea what No Nut November is or what they have against acorns but I’m participating in it now.
[The computer chimes]
Random Guy: Woah. New porn? Count me in!
[We cut back to the ‘Employees Only’ room. The Horny Police Officers are there now too.]
Horny Police Officer 2: You want us to what?
Arre: I want you two to go inside the computer and bring felons from other worlds to the jail.
Horny Police Officer 2: Is that gonna hurt?
Arre: Unless you do it right, you won’t be hurt.
Horny Police Officer 1: Alright, boss. Wait, but who’s gonna watch the prisoners when we’re gone?
Arre: I’ll leave that to Mappy.
Horny Police Officer 1: Alright, see you soon.
[They both go inside the computer]
Golfpecks: Hey… I know you’re not a strawberry, or, even a pear… but, now that they’re gone, would you like to-
Arre: No.
[We cut back to the prisoners.]
Matchy: Did they seriously just leave us here, alone, with no supervision?
Purps: Well, not quite.
[The camera pans over to Mappy, who is keeping watch]
Matchy: (smirks) They left us with that thing?
Not-Joe: I may not be the sharpest star in the shed, but even I know better than leaving a mouse in charge.
[Cutaway to Not-Joe's house, which is burning down. A mouse flees from the building.]
Not-Joe: Heh.
Granite: Escaping shouldn't be too hard then. If anything we'll at least break the world record for most attempted escapes in the least amount of time.
[CrazySponge exits his cell.]
CrazySponge: ok now what
Matchy: Now leave, gnarly dude!
CrazySponge: rude
Matchy: (sarcastically) And be careful of the spooky mouse. Oooooooooh. You don't want him to getcha!
CrazySponge: yeah yeah whatever
[Cut to Dan still sitting on his couch watching the TV. Bells are heard ringing outside, along with a voice yelling "Day 15! Give it up for day 15!"]
Dan: Ugh, you're not allowed to have fun anymore! And this new UCP thing isn't helping either! Guess I shouldn't really be writing erotic fanfiction anyway.
[He gets a notification on his piPhone other brands are available.]
Dan: I thought I turned those hot Twitter notifications off!
[The notification reads "new porn!".]
Dan: Ugh, great, just what I need. I'll be the only one in Horny Jail!
[Cutaway to outside the house, where another tumbleweed rolls by.]
Polar: Damn. This place is more empty than my soul!
Forest: Maybe they're all staying home because of the granolavirus.
Polar: Nah. You don't think they're all in horny jail?
Forest: What's "horny jail"? Hey, you wanna help me write another POOP! episode?! I have a good feeling about this one.
Polar: Tough decision, but no.
[Suddenly, Primitive appears]
Primitive: Hey, where is everyone?
Polar: I'm betting on horny jail.
Primitive: Wait, everyone's in horny jail?
Polar: Wait, if everyone's in horny jail then I'm missing out! Quick, pull up some Ariana-
Primitive: Hold on, we're not purposely throwing ourselves in jail!
Forest: Hey, I'm still here!
[Primitive shoots him]
Primitive: Not anymore.
Polar: Hey, by the way, what happened to Garvi-
[Primitive cocks his gun]
Polar: Oh…
[pause]
Polar: We should probably do something with his body.
Primitive: I don't think anyone will notice.
[Cut back to Horny Jail. Arre is watching footage of the city on several monitors.]
Arre: Ugh, there are still people out on the streets! It's been two weeks! I thought everyone would be in by now!
Golfpecks: Well, Ms. President. Not everyone masturbates. Like me. I think masturbation is unproductive and just plain gross.
Arre: Yeah right, I saw you the other day when Biden won.
[pause]
Golfpecks: You what?
Arre: The point is it's not working! How are the officers getting along?
[Cut to the two officers bullying kids online as Ness on Super Smash Bros. Ultimate]
Horny Police Officer 1: Hey, I could make a living off of this! I'll make a YouTube channel called… Alpharad.
Horny Police Officer 2: That's a stupid idea.
Horny Police Officer 1: Hey, aren't we forgetting something?
Horny Police Officer 2: Oh shit, we haven't bought the second Fighters Pass yet!
Horny Police Officer 1: No I mean something like going into other worlds and bringing back people to- I dunno either.
Announcer: GAME!
Horny Police Officer 2: Our cause is just.
Horny Police Officer 1: That was one of our justest causes yet.
[Cut back to Arre and Golfpecks]
Arre: Alright, that's it. I'm replacing those two nimrods. GOLFPECKS!
Golfpecks: Yes?
Arre: Go bring those two delinquents back.
Golfpecks: But I'm busy writing the new episode of "Reviewing The Stocks"! This is the most exciting one yet!
Arre: Just go get them.
Golfpecks: Alright, well, how about a kiss? For luck.
Arre: Fuck off.
Golfpecks: But user-ships are all the rage!
Arre: Just go get them.
Golfpecks: Your loss.
[Golfpecks goes inside the computer]
Golfpecks: Alright, I'm supposed to look for two cops. No goofing aro- Hey look! Strawberry porn!
Arre: [talking from outside the computer through a microphone] Hey, don't lose focus! I thought you said that shit was unproductive.
Golfpecks: Lies! That's simply ridiculo- 
[Golfpecks starts lagging.]
Arre: Ugh, why do I always buy the PI tech over Spectromite?
[Arre kicks the computer and Golfpecks stops lagging.]
Golfpecks: Now that's unproductive.
Arre: Just go find those two idiots and bring them back to me so I can fire them.
Golfpecks: Then can we kiss?
Arre: No.
Golfpecks: Blasphemous.
[Cut to the two officers playing cards.]
Horny Police Officer 1: -and then I said-
[Golfpecks approaches them.]
Golfpecks: Hey, that chick who keeps ordering us around wants to talk.
Horny Police Officer 2: Aw, but we haven't finished yet!
Golfpecks: Oh, sorry. My bad. Carry on.
Horny Police Officer 1: Thank you, my good man.
[Cut to Polar and Primitive burying Forest at PornHub HQ.]
Primitive: Phew. What made you think of burying him here?
Polar: Experience.
Primitive: Wait a minute. We're in PornHub HQ!
[The camera pans out, only this time the building is empty.]
Polar: It's looking a lot more bare than last time. 
[Laugh track, the two start walking around.]
Primitive: I guess everyone really is in horny jail… and we're the only ones left.
Polar: Well we write the show which means we get to portray our characters however we like, makes sense really.
Primitive: Doesn't even look like there are any officers around. Maybe there's more to this "challenge" than we think.
[Cut back to the prison. CrazySponge still hasn't left.]
CrazySponge: what if the mouse bites me and i get granolavirus?
Matchy: Come on, CrazySponge. It's just a fucking mouse!
CrazySponge: i dunno. i don't wanna risk it.
Matchy: You've been standing there longer than HFB's been on hiatus! ...and this show, for that matter.
CrazySponge: i think i'll go back in my cell i don't wanna do this
Matchy: Ugh. I like you and all, but sometimes you can be a real… 12 year old.
CrazySponge: (his eyebrows drop) what did you just call me
Matchy: Yeah you know, a 12 year old. Someone who's been alive for 12 years, started puberty, have just found out what sex is and writes edgy SpongeBob fanf-
[CrazySponge forcibly punches the cell door open.]
Matchy: Huh. Anyway, if you're not gonna leave, I will.
[Matchy leaves her cell and heads towards the door]
CrazySponge: MATCHY! DONT! you'll get granolavirus!
Matchy: Crazy, first of all, it's bats who carry granolavirus, not mice. 
CrazySponge: actually we don't know if-
Matchy: And second, the chances of this mouse in particular carrying granolavirus, if any disease at all, are very, very slim.
CrazySponge: matchy you shouldn't risk it. if you died i wouldn't really care but then nobody would be my personal sex slave!
[Everyone else stares at CrazySponge]
CrazySponge: oh wait we're not alone. oops
Matchy: Look. I'll go out this door and nothing bad is going to happen to me.
Purps: You're really tempting fate, aren't you Matchy?
[Matchy opens the door.]
Matchy: See? Nothing happened. Everything is a-ok.
Purps: Huh. This is usually the part where something bad happens.
[pause]
Purps: Well I'll be damned. 
[Cut to Golfpecks and the two officers exiting the computer.]
Arre: And just where have you been? 
Horny Police Officer 2: I-
Arre: I don't care. It's a good thing I left Mappy in charge of the cells while you were gone. There could have been a breakout.
[Cutaway to Matchy, CrazySponge, Purps and some others sneaking down the hallway.]
Arre: Anyway, there's something I wanted to tell you two.
Horny Police Officer 2: What?
Arre: Well, uh, how do I put this nicely…
[The prisoners are seen sneaking past the window.]
Matchy: (whispering) We're almost free!
Horny Police Officer 1: Just get to the point.
Arre: Well, uh…
Matchy: (whispering) Almost there!
Arre: You're all, uh…
Matchy: (whispering) Come on, come on!
Arre: You're both hopeless fucking losers and I'm firing you bo-
[The prisoners are about to exit the prison when Dan bursts through the doors.]
Dan: RIGHT I'M FUCKING DONE WITH THIS STUPID NO NUTTING THING! LOCK ME UP, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE!
[Everyone stares at Dan in silence. Arre, Golfpecks and the officers enter the hallway.]
Matchy: I mean the plan almost worked.
Not-Joe: There was a plan?
Arre: How did you get out? I thought I left Mappy in charge!
CrazySponge: he's a mouse
Arre: And protagonist of the 1983 video game of the same name! He's a big deal, you know.
Dan: Oh hi guys.
[Primitive and Polar crash through the ceiling somehow]
Primitive: Did somebody say Mappy?
Not-Joe: People have said that name a lot this episode, what are we talking about again?
Primitive: I don't know. I just like Mappy.
Polar: How did we get on the ceiling?
CrazySponge: this is weird
Arre: Um… officers, I'm hiring you again.
Horny Police Officers: Yay!
Dan: You know I thought this No Nut November thing would have lasted longer. Does no one actually care anymore? No? Okay.
Arre: Now get them! All of them!
CrazySponge: oh shit
[The officers run towards the users]
Primitive: Welp, it's been nice knowing all of you.
SpongeBot: I regret nothing.
Polar: I regret everything.
Dan: JUST RUN YOU IDIOTS!
[The officers chase the users outside the prison doors. They suddenly stop in confusion.]
Matchy: Huh, we're out.
[The officers chase the users back inside the doors.]
CrazySponge: well that lasted long
Horny Police Officer 2: Ma'am there's no way we can round them all up!
Arre: GOLFPECKS!
Golfpecks: What now?
Arre: Go help the officers!
Golfpecks: But I'm not a real officer. I just get off to telling on people.
Arre: I don't give a monkey's ass if you're an officer or not, just go fucking lock 'em up!
Golfpecks: Okay sure.
[The officers and Golfpecks chase the prisoners down the hallway. They run in and out of various doors ala Scooby-Doo. Dan and several other users meet back in the hallway.]
Dan: Wait so are we just all- everyone's here?
Granite: Well the weird president lady or something did send out a virus to everyone or something. Except me… I just didn't get the memo. (sigh)
Horny Police Officer 2: Can we move it along?! We kinda have an episode to wrap up!
Horny Police Officer 1: And I have to make another Pokemon video with RubberRoss and JaidenAnimations!
SpongeBot: I mean if you let us all go you could do tha-
Horny Police Officer 1: No!
SpongeBot: Aw.
Horny Police Officer 2: I mean, if we did, then the episode would be over sooner and we can play more Smash Bros. and shit.
Horny Police Officer 1: Good point.
Arre: NO! You’re supposed to be catching the criminals. Do your job, horny police!
Horny Police Officer 1: Nah, I quit. I’m gonna go pursue my YouTuber dream. And the name’s Alpha. See ya.
[Horny Police Officer 1 dumps his hat on the floor and leaves the building.]
Horny Police Officer 2: Hey, does that make me Horny Police Officer 1 now?
Golfpecks: No, it just makes you even more pathetic than before.
Horny Police Officer 2: Hey, that's not nice!
Golfpecks: What do you mean, I'm the nicest penguin in town!
Horny Police Officer 2: Really?
Golfpecks: Who let you carry on with your game in the computer earlier?
Arre: You did what?
[The argument continues into the background.]
Matchy: Here we go again…
Dan: You know this prison shit is actually pretty boring.
EB: Yeah, let's go to Hooters. They got hot chicks there.
[All the prisoners casually walk out of the building as the three continue arguing.]
Primitive: Anyone remember that granolavirus thing?
[Cut to Dan sitting back on his couch.]
Dan: Well, I'm glad all that no nutting shit is over.
SpongeBot: Aren't we all.
Dan: (groan) Stupid open window… but you know actually, I think we all learned a valuable lesson today.
SpongeBot: Oh, you mean that while nutting is perfectly healthy and natural, it's good to take breaks every now and then?
Dan: What? No! That we should have elected a better president! Now if you excuse me I've got some business to attend to.
[Cut to Golfpecks getting out of bed.]
Golfpecks: (yawn) Well, I'm glad all that prison blasphemy is over. Time to open the window and-
[Golfpecks opens the window and a load of milk floods the room. Cut to the outside of his house, revealing a milk van has crashed into it.]
Milkman: Fuck! Not again!
Dan: Ah, I do love a degenerate ending!
FANDOM Admin: I don't.
Dan: AAA-
[fin]
Category:Transcripts
Category:Episodes
Category:Episode transcripts
Category:2020
Category:2020 Episodes
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Category:The World of SBFW
Category:Episodes written by Thatjess
Category:Episodes written by PrimitiveSponge129
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