The Golden State Race

The Golden State Race is the fifteenth and final episode of season four, and the forty-second episode overall, of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premiered on March 20, 2021.
== Plot==
With a vacancy created by Mrs. Harris becoming vice president, Mr. Pineapple, Mr. R’Onion, Mr. Pepperchicken, and Mr. Renaud all compete for California's Senate seat.
==Transcript==
[The episode opens at BBTV Studios.]
Mr. Perkins: And with Kamala Harris being inaugurated as vice president, her former Senate seat in California has become vacant. Already, tons of candidates are throwing their hats in the ring for a chance to represent the biggest state in the nation. 
[Cut to Mr. Pepperchicken, who throws his Russian helmet into the ring.] 
Mr. Pepperchicken: While we may have had the presidential election stolen from us, having a true Russian representing the largest state will be a giant win for the heterosexual-
[Cut to Mr. Renaud.] 
Mr. Renaud: MAP-
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion.]
Mr. R’Onion: Environmentalist-
Mr. Pineapple: Communist- 
All: Movement! 
[Cut to Mr.Chillyrooster.]
Mr. Chillyrooster: To save money, the legislature and governor have decided to hold a single jungle election with no run-off, meaning that a candidate can win this race without receiving a majority. 
[Cut to Mr. SquarePants’ house, where he is watching the news on TV.]
Mr. SquarePants: Gee, that sure is a lot of candidates! I wonder who I should vote for.
[Suddenly, the tip of a peeled banana pops through the window, thrusting in and out of it.]
Mr. SquarePants: What the?
[Mr. SquarePants walks over to the banana, grabbing it. Suddenly, banana cream is squirted all over him. The banana then jumps into the pineapple, revealing it to be none other than Mr. Banana]
Mr. Banana: OH HOW I LOOOOOOVE FRUIT! 
[Mr. SquarePants then disappears.]
Mr. Banana: Oh yeah, sorry. My cum turns fish invisible. That’s an evolutionary trait of us bananas. Helps cover up the evidence! 
[He takes out a damp cloth and wipes the banana cream off Mr. SquarePants, rendering him visible again.]
Mr. Banana: Anyway, I’m here to talk to you about something urgent! 
Mr. SquarePants: And what would that be? [gasp] IS THE KRUSTY KRAB GOING OUT OF BUSINESS?! 
Mr. Banana: NO! Profitable corporations like that are all being heavily subsidized by the government, they’ll never fall under! I’m here to talk to you about the Senate race! I need you to run! 
Mr. SquarePants: What? Why?
Mr. Banana: There’s no establishment candidate in the race! It’s all just a bunch of unproductive extremists! We can’t one of them become the senator for the biggest state in the nation! Having you in there would be perfect! The far-left would be split between Mr. R’Onion and Mr. Pineapple, whereas the far-right would be split between Mr. Renaud and Mr. Pepperchicken! Meanwhile the establishment will stand united behind one candidate! 
Mr. SquarePants: But what about the Krusty Krab?
Mr. Banana: You can still do that! Plenty of people in Congress do stuff on the side! Mr. Lobster is a gym teacher at Bikini Bottom High! Mr. Pineapple and Mr. Sullivan are students there! I mean, it’s not like you do anything in Congress anyway! 
Mr. SquarePants: I guess you’re right. But Mr. Banana, I don’t know anything about politics! How am I supposed to know what to say?
Mr. Banana: That’s where he comes in! 
[Suddenly, Mr. Krabs pops out of the window, jumping into the house.]
Mr. Krabs: I’ll be your campaign manager! 
Mr. SquarePants: You guys know I have a door, right?
Mr. Banana: You can’t fuck a door! 
Mr. SquarePants: And Mr. Krabs, I thought you were a Renaud supporter! Why would you help one of his opponents?
Mr. Krabs: I am! But unfortunately, as this is a liberal state, he has no chance of winning! So I have to back another anti-poor candidate, one that has actually has a shot at winning, and boyo, that’s you!
[Cut to Mr. Perkins.] 
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Mr. SquarePants has announced his candidacy for the seat. And right before the debate too! 
[Suddenly, Mr. SquarePants bursts in, walking on stage]
Mr. SquarePants: That’s right, everyone. The sponge is here.
[Mr. R’Onion then walks in]
Mr. R’Onion: I hope this stage floor isn’t made of wood, Mr. Perkins! 
[Mr. Pepperchicken then walks in]
Mr. Pepperchicken: Hello everyone, I am heterosexual! 
[Mr. Renaud then walks in]
Mr. Renaud: Hello everyone, I’m a pedophile! 
[Mr. Pineapple then walks in]
Mr. Pineapple: Hello everyone, I’m a communist! 
Mr. Renaud: Nevermind that! More importantly, you’re a 15 year old! 
[Mr. Biden then walks in]
Mr. Biden: Hey, hey, hey! Hands off my lady! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sorry Mr. President, only the moderators and candidates for the Senate race are allowed to be in this room. 
Mr. Biden: Come on, man! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Sorry, sir. These are the Plague restrictions put in place by Mr. Newsom. 
Mr. Biden: Aw, fine…
[Mr. Biden exits the room]
Mr. Perkins: Now let’s get this debate started. First question. A bill was recently introduced in the California legislature to implement a state-wide single-payer system. As senator, you’ll have the chance to weigh in on whether such a system should be implemented on the national level. What do you think of Medicare For All? Mr. R’Onion?
Mr. R’Onion: The name behind the bill is highly misleading. They call it Medicare For All, yet not a single tree, bush, or flower is covered under it! As senator, the only healthcare bill I will vote for is one that covers all plants, and nothing else! 
Mr. Pineapple: Medicare For All? That legislation’s a milquetoast half-loaf written by sell-outs! I say we nationalize the whole pharmaceutical industry! 
Mr. Renaud: We don’t need that sort of government intrusion in our lives. 
Mr. SquarePants: Gee, I think it sounds pretty good. I mean we are in the middle of a pandemic, why shouldn’t everyone have healthcare? 
Mr. Krabs: [through a mic in one of Mr. SquarePants’ holes] SPONGEBOB ME BOY! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT! 
Mr. SquarePants: Oh yeah! Uh...I mean, I support a public option! 
Mr. Renaud: I support a public option! It’s as I always say, the risk is what makes it so much fun! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud, that’s not what a public option means. 
Mr. Renaud: Oh. 
Mr. Perkins: Let’s move onto the next question. A group of activists, primarily made out of Republicans, are campaigning to recall Mr. Newsom. Do you support or oppose this effort? 
Mr. SquarePants: I don’t know enough about his record to say. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: I say recall him! Don’t think I forgot about when he as mayor officiated homosexual marriages!
Mr. Renaud: I agree! That Newsom is a complete hypocrite! He’ll issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, but not adult-child couples?! Just goes to show you he’s an opportunist when it comes to civil rights! 
Mr. R’Onion: Under Mr. Newsom, trees have continued to be logged, carrots have continued to be uprooted, and bushes have continued to be trimmed. He should be using the powers of his office to take action against the plant genocide, yet instead he’s doing nothing! 
Mr. Renaud: Mr. R’Onion is absolutely right! Bushes shouldn’t be trimmed! I say go au naturel! [rips off clothes]
Mr. R’Onion: That’s not what I mean. 
Mr. Renaud: Oh. 
Mr. Pineapple: Mr. Newsom is an absolute disgrace! Under his leadership, California has had the 18th-lowest Plague deaths of any state in the nation! 
Mr. Perkins: You think he should’ve taken stricter action to make it lower? 
Mr. Pineapple: No! He should’ve taken stricter action to make it higher! This pandemic is the perfect opportunity to kill off Bikini Bottomites for their imperial actions overseas, and he’s blowing it! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud, you’re in a unique position of being both a teacher and a doctor. Recently your school voted to re-open fully, what is your view on this subject? 
Mr. Renaud: Well, Mr. Chillyrooster, as we know, the Plague primarily affects older populations. The infection rate among kiddies is very low. This sort of government overreach has got to end. 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Mr. Renaud, you correctly point out that the infection rate among children is low, but isn’t there still a risk to reopening schools, even if it’s a small one? 
Mr. Renaud: Well you have to weigh the pros and the cons. Sure, a couple of kids might die if we re-open, but think of all the kids that won’t get fucked if we don’t! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: As we all know, homosexuals are being treated equally in regards to healthcare. I say that is blasphemous! Sometimes you have to fuck equality in the ass to get what is right. NO WAIT! Not the ass! THAT’S GAY! You have to fuck it in its sexy Russian kitten!
Mr. Renaud: Hold on, why is equality getting all the love? What about the children?
Mr. SquarePants: I dunno about you, but I think the children do deserve more love.
[Mr. Krabs grumbles in frustration]
Mr. Renaud: I know this is a heated debate and all, but I agree with the cheesecake.
Mr. SquarePants: Sorry sir, but I’m a sponge.
Mr. R’Onion: I’ll tell you who’s being fucked in the ass! The trees! For so many years, they’ve been slaughtered in order to have their remains used as pencils and papers! With remote schooling, this tragedy was briefly paused, but our school has quite unprofessionally decided to re-open, pushing more trees to their deaths. 
Mr. Pineapple: This is where we in the Green Party differ. I strongly support re-opening, as it gives us an opportunity to kill more Bikini Bottomites! 
Mr. SquarePants: I don’t know, I feel like we shouldn't be killing people. We should probably keep schools closed until teachers have the opportunity to get vaccinated. 
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB! 
Mr. SquarePants: I mean, we have to sacrifice ourselves for the economy! 
Mr. Perkins: California has the highest homeless rate out of any state in Bikini Bottom. What actions will you take in the B.B. Senate to help address this problem? 
Mr. R’Onion: What do you mean “problem”? Houses are made out of the bodies of trees! The problem isn’t homelessness, it’s homes! 
Mr. Pineapple: Mr. R’Onion is right! We need more fish homeless so they can be motivated to stand up and overthrow capitalism! We can not allow them to be pacified with liberal reforms! 
Mr. Renaud: We can not wait for the gridlocked Senate to do something about this. We need to take matters into our own hands. That’s why I’m proud to open CPTV Studio doors to any child that needs a place to stay! 
Mr. Pepperchicken: Let’s not jump to black-and-white conclusions here. We have to look at this issue through a nuanced perspective. I of course agree that we need to take immediate action to house straight fish, but gay fish can be left on the streets. In fact, all gay fishes’ houses should be forcibly seized from them and given to straight fish! 
Mr. SquarePants: Why don’t we just give everyone homes? 
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB ME BOY! One more slip-up like that, and YOU’RE FIRED! 
Mr. SquarePants: Yes sir! It won’t happen again! We need to deregulate so the free market can solve this issue! 
Mr. Renaud: NOW YOU’RE TALKING! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: Wait a minute, hold on. Is someone advising you through a mic? 
Mr. SquarePants: Yes. 
Mr. Krabs: SPONGEBOB! 
Mr. SquarePants: I mean no. 
Mr. Pineapple: I don’t see the problem. That’s what I do during Mr. R’Onion’s tests! 
Mr. R’Onion: TRAVIS!
Mr. Perkins: Well, we would disqualify you from partaking in the rest of the debate, but we have no more questions. 
Mr. Krabs: Oh thank Neptune this is over. 
[One month later] 
Mr. Perkins: This just in, Mr. Renaud has won the California Senate race with 30% of the vote. This is a big blow to Mr. SquarePants, who the entire Democratic establishment rallied behind. He got endorsements from Mr. Biden, Mr. Banana, Mr. Obama, Mr. G, and Mr. Fancyson, as well as countless others. Despite this, he came in two points behind Mr. Renaud, garnering 28%. 
Mr. SquarePants: Well, hey! Second place’s pretty good, right? 
Mr. Banana: NO, IT’S NOT GOOD! Now a third party is going to have a member in the Senate! The two-party system is essential to maintaining our elite rule! 
[Cut to Mr. Krabs] 
Mr. Krabs: [laughs] My plan worked! Help SpongeBob split the liberal vote so Mr. Renaud can win! 
[Cut to Mr. Chillyrooster]
Mr. Chillyrooster: In contrast to the Democrats, the Green Party was split, with their 2020 presidential and vice presidential nominee both competing for the seat. The failure to unify behind a single candidate has hurt the party severely, with Mr. R’Onion and Mr. Pineapple receiving 21% and 16% respectively, making for a combined vote share of 37%, 7 points more than victor Mr. Renaud. 
[Cut to Mr. R’Onion’s Environmental Science Classroom.] 
Mr. R’Onion: Look what you did! Thanks to you, I fell incredibly behind! I would’ve been first, but because you split the vote, I came in third! 
Mr. Pineapple: Excuse me, I think you mean you made me fall incredibly behind! I would’ve came in first if it weren’t for you splitting the vote! 
Mr. R’Onion: You’re ALWAYS falling incredibly behind anyway! And I got more votes than you. 
Mr. Pineapple: Nope. 
Mr. R’Onion: What do you mean “nope”?! 
Mr. Pinapple: Do you really trust the capitalist press to report the correct numbers? I think we all know the rank-and-file Green Party membership voted for me. You know, the person who founded the party. 
[Cut to Mr. Banana] 
Mr. Banana: Well, let’s look at the silver lining. At least neither of the two communists won! And the good news is Mr. Renaud supports killing the poor too! 
[Cut to Mr. Perkins]
Mr. Perkins: Mr. Renaud did not suffer from the same issue, with most of the right backing him, Straight Party candidate Mr. Pepperchicken only receiving 5% of the vote. 
Mr. Pepperchicken: That’s only because they didn’t let me rig it! “Oh, you can’t rig an election you’re running in, that’s a conflict of interest,” they said. In Russia you can rig whatever election you please! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: With Renaud’s victory, this marks the first time in the party’s history that a Libertarian has ever won a federal race. Let’s turn to my colleague Mrs. Plankton, who previously predicted that Renaud becoming leader would render the party unelectable. Mrs. Plankton, not only have the Libertarians won a federal race for the first time, but a Senate seat in the most populous state in Bikini Bottom. What do you have to say about this? 
Mrs. Plankton: He only won because the vote was split! 
Mr. Perkins: That definitely was a major part of this, but at the same time, I doubt the Libertarians would have won with you in the place of Mr. Renaud. I mean, you couldn’t even get a single vote among members of your party - well, former party. How on earth do you expect to have won a federal election?
Mrs. Plankton: I’ll show you guys I can! I’ll show you all! 
Mr. Chillyrooster: No you won’t. 
Mrs. Plankton: [cries] DEFAMATION! SLANDER! [runs out of the room]
[Cut to Mr. Renaud talking to a crowd of Libertarians.] 
Mr. Renaud: See what happens when we get rid of the LINOs? And you guys wanted to make her chair of the party!   
Libertarian: Gee, I’m sure glad you convinced us not to, Mr. Renaud!
Mr. Renaud: So am I! Now, who here wants to fuck some children?
[The Libertarians cheer as the episode ends.]
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom
Category:No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom Fourth Season
Category:Episodes