My Life as a Teenage SpongeBot

"My Life as a Teenage SpongeBot" is an episode written by SpongeBot678 just for Spin Off Kings Season Four.
==Transcript==
Narrator: Once upon a time, in the Isle of Wight, there was a Beardy Dad and a Not So Beardy Mother. And they loved each other very much.
(cuts to the family watching TV in 2021)
Beardy Dad: CHEEKY FUCKERS!
Mother: ROBERT!
Beardy Dad: Well I’m sorry but they’re cheeky fuckers… (talking to the people on TV) Pour petrol through the letterbox.
Narrator: One day, they decided they wanted a baby.
(the narrator is revealed to be SpongeBot678 having a therapy session)
SpongeBot678: Guess who?
Therapist: ...you?
SpongeBot678: No, it was my brother. BUT, like 10 years after that, they decided they wanted another baby. After a few months, my mother gave birth to the biggest kid you've ever seen.
(cut to the house on Bot’s first day of school)
Mother: OK Bot, it's time for your first day of school.
(a young Bot walks in, 8’11)
SpongeBot678: I don't think these school clothes fit me.
Mother: Oh, you'll be fine.
Therapist: You were 8’11? I feel like I would’ve read a story about a baby being 8’11 on the news.
SpongeBot678: OK, I'm exaggerating a bit there but still, I was really tall for my age.
Therapist: OK so, it's your first day at school. How did that go?
SpongeBot678: Pretty well I think.
(cuts to Bot in preschool)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) I was very smart for my age.
Teacher: Alright kids, what do you all want to be when you grow up?
Kid #1: I want to be a fireman like Fireman Sam.
Kid #2: I want to be a postman like Postman Pat.
SpongeBot678: I want to be a career criminal with over 100 convictions for arson, class a drug possession, murder, and armed robbery.
(long pause)
Kid #3: And I want to be the cop that arrests SpongeBot.
Therapist: Wait a minute- you said you wanted to be a criminal?
SpongeBot678: Yeah.
Therapist: That’s a pretty shocking confession. Do you think you were ever violent at school?
SpongeBot678: Well now that you mention it.
(cuts to picture day)
Jimmy: Oh boy I can't wait to get my picture taken- (Bot pushes him over) Ow!
SpongeBot678: Fuck you Jimmy.
Therapist: Why did you push him over?
SpongeBot678: I- I have no idea.
Therapist: Did he do anything to you?
SpongeBot678: Nope.
Therapist: Interesting… Anything else...
(cut to SpongeBot at primary school)
SpongeBot678: (in class) Bloody.
(all the children scream in shock)
Kid #1: Did you just swear?
SpongeBot678: Oh come on, it’s not that bad. 
Therapist: Hmm… Did you have any interests at the time that could’ve contributed to this behaviour?
SpongeBot678: Well, I liked SpongeBob. In fact the first episode I can remember watching was "Nasty Patty." Y'know the one where SpongeBob and Patrick think they've killed the health inspector.
Therapist: Uh-huh. How much did you like SpongeBob?
SpongeBot678: Oh I loved him. In fact one day in 2013 I was browsing the SpongeBob Wiki on my Samsung Netbook.
(cut to 2013 Bot browsing ESB)
SpongeBot678: So this is the plot of “Planet of the Jellyfish.”
Mother: ...OK.
SpongeBot678: (to the therapist) And somehow I ended up on the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki. I decided to open Microsoft Word and write my own SpongeBob episodes. 
Therapist: ...really? What were they about? 
SpongeBot678: Well… I think one of them had SpongeBob and Patrick switching bodies, I don’t really know where I was going with that. I didn’t write a single page on SBFW in 2013.
Therapist: Huh. Any other interests? 
SpongeBot678: Well in 2014 I found this amazing video-game.
(cut to 2014 Bot playing New Super Mario Bros 2)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) That’s right, I started playing New Super Mario Bros. 2. I wasn’t very good, for every level I used the invincibility leaf and even then I still kept dying... Oh and I also played lots of Minecraft.
Therapist: Did you get any more violent after playing Minecraft?
SpongeBot678: Actually no, I just had lots of fun. In fact there was this one kid in my maths class who was annoying me. But after a while I decided to make amends the only way I knew how.
(cut to 2015 Bot in Maths class)
SpongeBot678: Do you want to start a Minecraft Channel?
Kid: Sure.
Therapist: You started a Minecraft channel with him?
SpongeBot678: It was a simpler time back then. We were able to make a Twitter account and a Facebook account. The Facebook account got suspended and they wouldn’t let us appeal. Bet they feel stupid now, huh.
(cut to 2015 Bot in school)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) Our videos were everywhere, and by everywhere I mean everywhere in class.
Kid: Hey, when’s part 2 of that Minecraft Roleplay coming.
SpongeBot678: I- I have no idea.
Therapist: Did it ever come out?
SpongeBot678: Nope.
Therapist: Was it finished?
SpongeBot678: Yep.
Therapist: Are you ever going to release it?
SpongeBot678: Fucking no.
Therapist: So is the Minecraft channel still up?
SpongeBot678: Well, no. We kept talking on Skype about it and we had loads of great ideas that never went anywhere. We even considered buying a studio and doing our videos there to improve our content, and then we realized we had no money. Eventually we just stopped making videos entirely.
(cut to 2016 Bot walking down the street)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) But then in 2016, something happened.
(a strange looking man walks up)
Man: Heyyyy there little girl… 
(therapist interrupts)
Therapist: Sorry, I feel like I know where this is going.
SpongeBot678: I don’t think you do.
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: Who the fuck are you?
Man: That's not important. What is important is what I want to propose to you. (gets out a sheet of paper) Do you want to join my people trafficking scheme? (passes the paper to Bot)
SpongeBot678: (reading it) This is just the url to that SpongeBob Fanon Wiki site I visited back in 2013.
Man: ...yes, yes it is… You’re smart, I like my kids smart.
(therapist interrupts again)
Therapist: Wait so, he just wanted you to join the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki?
SpongeBot678: Yes.
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) And at first I thought, a SpongeBob Fanon Wiki, no thank you. That's weird. (to the man) Sorry, I’m not interested.
Man: WHAT? WHY?!
SpongeBot678: See, I don’t know if you know me but. I work for a really successful Minecraft channel.
Man: Ooh really, how many subscribers do you have?
SpongeBot678: Like, 50.
Man: Thousand?
SpongeBot678: No, just 50. But we’re working really hard to raise our numbers. Look, we even made a trailer.
(cut to a SpongeBob meme)
SpongeBob: Hey, Patrick.
Patrick: What?
SpongeBob: I thought of something funnier than 24.
Patrick: Let me hear it.
SpongeBob: MINETUBE MINECRAFT SHOWS! (SpongeBob and Patrick both laugh)
SpongeBot678: See. It’s perfect.
Man: ...yeah you should join the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki.
(therapist interrupts)
Therapist: Did anything else happen with the man?
SpongeBot678: No. I don’t even think he was a user. I made an account later that day. Of course it’s hard for a new user to get recognized and I didn’t have any ideas for spin-offs at the time, but I had a plan. I would make loads of necessary edits to pages and then people would know who I was.
(cut to 2016 Bot editing a page)
SpongeBot678: This page for a DVD mentions episodes once… That’s enough to give it the episodes category. (gets a badge) OH HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?!
Therapist: So you were editing for badges?
SpongeBot678: No, I was making constructive edits to pages.
Therapist: Where are you on the leaderboard on the wiki?
SpongeBot678: #1.
Therapist: OK you were badge farming.
SpongeBot678: Is this a therapy session or an interrogation?
Therapist: Let’s move on, what else happened on the wiki?
SpongeBot678: Well I was still at school at this point and I felt like I needed to write a really good spin-off. And then it came to me.
(cut to 2016 Bot running into an executive’s office)
SpongeBot678: GUYS! SO WHILE I WAS IN HISTORY CLASS, I GOT LIKE A GREAT IDEA FOR A SPIN-OFF! (she starts presenting a slideshow) So, medieval times am I right? (the execs look unimpressed) I am gonna need 2 million dollars… For the first scene. (narrating) Eventually they got on board and we started working on the characters.
(cut to the artists making character designs)
SpongeBot678: (narrating) Unfortunately, I kept forgetting who the characters were.
(writer walks up to Bot)
Writer: So what’s the dark knight gonna do in this spin-off?
SpongeBot678: Who the hell is that?
Writer: Y’know, the medieval version of Sandy.
SpongeBot678: Oh right… Who’s Sandy?
Therapist: Do you often forget stuff?
SpongeBot678: No, not anymore at least. Eventually we got the pilot episode done and everything was going great.
Therapist: How did the rest of the series go?
SpongeBot678: (thinking) That is a very good question.
Therapist: Do you want to answer it?
SpongeBot678: Nope.
Therapist: Okay… So, did anything significant happen in 2017?
SpongeBot678: Well, I revisited ESB, and started becoming more and more active there. I may have told a few lies on chat.
(cut to 2017 Bot on ESB chat)
ESB User: Wow, you own every game console?
SpongeBot678: ...yes.
Therapist: How much did you lie about?
SpongeBot678: A lot. But, eventually I was able to get assistant and chat mod so I must’ve been doing something right... 2017 ESB was strange, there was this one dude who kept making alts for no reason. And once after I was gone for 2 days Cookie’s account was disabled, Jensonk was globally blocked, and someone had been raiding the wiki.
Therapist: Uh-huh… Wait, I don’t know who any of those people are. Did you make any friends during your time on ESB?
SpongeBot678: Oh, I made some great friends.
(cut to 2017 Dan getting a Skype message from 2017 Bot reading “Fuck you.”)
Dan: ...she wants to fuck me?
Therapist: What was the context for that message?
SpongeBot678: I don’t remember.
Therapist: Did you send any other messages on any messaging services of that nature?
SpongeBot678: Oh we’re just getting started. So, in late-2017 there was a new Discord server made called the crib… I sent a message saying “I say racial slurs all the time lmao.” in their media channel.
Therapist: What? Why?
SpongeBot678: I don’t know. The messages just got worse and worse throughout 2018, some of them included slurs, others were “what is the boi variant of girl is it giri”.
Therapist: Interesting… What else happened that year?
SpongeBot678: I tried another spin-off, this time more adult, it was called NKC.
Therapist: Did it succeed?
SpongeBot678: Nope, I deleted most of the episodes recently too. There was also this dude called RedBomb, who later changed his name to Bluebunny. He did loads of weird shit, even used the “I say racial slurs all the time lmao” message to try to claim I was racist. He claimed his house burned down too, I don’t think anybody believed it.
(shows a comment from Jensonk saying “R.I.P. To Bluebunny507's pets who sadly burned to death.”)
Therapist: This is all happening on SpongeBob wikis?
SpongeBot678: I don’t know where else it’d be happening. Oh and SBFW got deleted that year too.
Therapist: WHAT
SpongeBot678: Came back in 2019.
Therapist: Oh. What happened in 2019?
SpongeBot678: Well, the crib closed.
Therapist: WHAT
SpongeBot678: We moved to a new crib. Makes sense, I mean in the last crib I confessed to killing a man, attempting to kill my wife, selling families, smoking weed, and smoking mp3 files.
Therapist: WHAT THE FUCK?! 
SpongeBot678: Hey at least I wasn’t drinking… At the time. 
Therapist: So if you did all of that in the old crib, then what was the new crib like when it first opened?
(Bot has a Vietnam flashback)
SpongeBot678: Hell.
Therapist: What’s it like now?
(Bot has another Vietnam flashback)
SpongeBot678: Like Hell but with climate change.
Therapist: So, did you release anything in 2019? Make any more failed spin-offs?
SpongeBot678: Actually no, I don't think I did. But I did write a Meme World movie.
Therapist: (breaks down laughing) OH MY GOD THAT’S HILARIOUS. No but seriously, what did you release in 2019?
SpongeBot678: A Meme World movie.
Therapist: What, you mean, you’re serious? You wrote a movie about memes. Fucking memes?
SpongeBot678: Well technically it’s about a TV channel called Meme World. We’re making a sequel too.
Therapist: You’re crazy… Well we’re running out of time so let me just ask you some questions about your personal life. Are you married?
SpongeBot678: ...OH MY GOD I FORGOT ABOUT MY HUSBAND.
Therapist: Does he know you’re here?
(cuts to Prim walking up to rehab)
Receptionist: Oh hi, are you here for an appointment?
Prim: No, have you seen my wife?
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: No, I don't think he does.
Therapist: Do you think you're a faithful wife?
(flashback to SpongeBot reading a wikihow tutorial on how to flirt and then walking up to CrazySponge)
SpongeBot678: Did you hear about the Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?
CrazySponge: Yes, I caused them.
SpongeBot678: Oh… Do you want to date me?
(back to scene)
SpongeBot678: Probably not.
Therapist: Do you have kids?
SpongeBot678: I have had 3 kids, 1 died shortly after being born.
Therapist: I am sorry if this is insensitive or anything but, how did they die?
SpongeBot678: Well.
(cut to Prim entering the house)
Prim: Honey, I’m home! How's Elmo 2?
SpongeBot678: Great, he’s playing in the freezer right now!
(Prim walks up to the freezer)
Prim: He looks like he’s been in there for a long time, he might be a bit cold.
SpongeBot678: Oh don’t worry, it's fine. I can warm him up. (pulls out a blowtorch)
(back to the scene)
SpongeBot678: Accident. But it’s fine, he praised Satan anyway and we quickly made a replacement child.
Therapist ...why did he praise Satan at such a young age?
SpongeBot678: Oh, I drank and smoked a lot while pregnant. We both knew it was going to happen.
Therapist: OK listen Bot. You have given me your whole life story (SpongeBot winks) and it is beyond fucked up. Are there any family issues that could justify the way you act today?
SpongeBot678: The only thing I can think of is my dad losing his job in 2015 and now he’s really crazy about getting things on the cheap. He even takes a scale with him to the supermarket so he can weigh the cheese and get a good deal. But other than that, nope, no family issues.
Therapist: If I’m being completely honest, you have so many problems that need to be addressed: you’re an alcoholic, a murderer, a drug user, you’ve tried to cheat on your husband-
SpongeBot678: Actually I did cheat on my husband a few days ago while I was attempting to bomb the Earth. Sorry, I almost forgot to mention that… It was pretty fun actually.
Therapist: OK so you HAVE cheated on your husband, your addictions have caused harm to your children, your family don’t even know where you are right now, and I am not convinced your first kid’s death was an accident.
SpongeBot678: Well I definitely didn’t mean to kill him but-
Therapist: Just stop, the session is almost over. I don’t need any more confessions. OK, look, I am going to refer you to several rehabilitation groups.
SpongeBot678: Why?
Therapist: ...to get you the help that you obviously need.
SpongeBot678: (nervously laughs) Help? You think I need help? I am a writer on a SpongeBob Fanon Wiki, I had 5 wives before marrying Prim, I have over 100 criminal convictions, and you think I need help? Fuck no, I love my life, it’s the exact life I dreamt of back in preschool.
Therapist: This is your dream life?
SpongeBot678: Of course.
Therapist: Wait so if you’re proud of your current lifestyle and have no complaints, then why are you here?
(Bot starts smiling)
SpongeBot678: You’ve been writing down everything I say right?
Therapist: Yeah. It’s all here in this book, it’s about 12 pages worth of content. Why?
SpongeBot678: I don’t know if you get asked this often but, can I have it?
Therapist: Sure I guess. (he passes the book to her) Why do you need it?
SpongeBot678: Well there’s one thing I didn’t mention. I am currently taking part in this thing called Spin-Off Kings, and I need to write an autobiography. And I was thinking to myself “how the hell am I going to do this?” Then, I saw an advert for your therapy services, and I thought, if I just tell you my entire life story then the episode will just write itself.
Therapist: ...you paid for my service just so you could write an episode for your fanon wiki. Wait a minute you’re a criminal, did you even pay?
SpongeBot678: Well, the payment is going to bounce. But I’ve had fun today so here, take my wallet. (gives him her wallet) Welp, I should be heading home. Thanks for writing an episode for me.
Therapist: ...fuck you. (Bot opens the door to leave)
(Prim is walking up to another receptionist)
Receptionist: Do you have a therapy appointment?
Prim: No, do you have my wife? (Bot leaves) OH THERE YOU ARE!
Therapist: I wonder what other jobs I could get.
(Prim walks in)
Prim: OK, I know I don’t have an appointment but I really need this right now. Hi, I’m Prim and I am really starting to hate my wife. She keeps leaving the house and not coming back for another 3 days.
Therapist: Dare I ask, when did your issues with your wife begin?
Prim: Well I guess it started around the time she killed our first child.
(the therapist can be heard jumping through a window and the episode ends)
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