Agent ?'s Unofficial UNWD Rules

Agent ?'s Unofficial UNWD Rules (also known as Things Agent ? Has Put a Stop To) is a list of UNWD rules created by prominent UNWD agent Agent ? in order to keep the UNWD running smoothly, efficiently, and without major friction or disagreement between agents.
Most of the rules are humorous or agent-specific. As the title suggests, the list is not official, as the true list of rules is far more general and concise, and is penned by Commissioner Jonah Gordonson. As opposed to the official rules, which focus more on safety, identification and legal matters, these rules are more to do with the community of agents, ensuring that the UNWD is at peak professional performance.
== The Rules ==
Update: The rules have been sorted into categories for ease of reading.
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=== Base Life / General ===
* Do not turn the NEST’s Autopilot AI on under any circumstance. Autopilot is a jerk and we are not to trust them. Who can forget the Lockdown of ’07?
* You cannot tame the Legshark with a rolled up newspaper.
* You cannot tame Flobnomdob with a rolled up newspaper.
* If you yell ‘FOODFIGHT!’ in the mess hall I will personally come over there and slap you myself.
* Agents generally expected to wear shirts are not to be shirtless for an extended period of time. It's distracting.
* The alien agents can live without learning about memes. Do not teach them.
* Don't use laser cutters to open jars! 
* Don't use Grav Guy to open jars! 
* Y'know what? Just don't open jars! 
* Don't send hurtful or silly messages to the Iraz military. This includes memes. 
* Boiling is prohibited in all sectors of the UNWD base. (You can't boil anything anywhere.) 
* The following games are not allowed in high-security areas or during times of high emergency: Say uncle, Get Down Mr President!, Judge the Sinner, Super Charades, Weird Charades, Punchies.
* You are not to try and find out the secret weaknesses of other agents. This includes Walter Yang. I don’t care how annoying he is.
* Nobody is to switch the coffee in the coffee machines to decaf. Not even gradually. It may be better for most of us, but Agent 53 says otherwise.
* All agents working on Project You-Know-What- don’t let Sarky know.
* This shouldn’t need to be said, but it is not wise to undergo any mission naked.
* I will choose the music playlist for morning callisthenics. No matter how nicely it’s requested, I will not be adding Nicki Minaj’s Anaconda to this playlist.
* Flooding, painting, glittering or altering the base in any way for the sake of 'aesthetic' is... unrecommended.
* Stop making 'I'm off to join the Emberizine Guard!' jokes; the Emberizine Guard thinks we're legitimately considering an allegiance and we're not because clowns are weird.
* Just because it’s in purple and yellow doesn’t mean it works here. Putting store mannequins, wild animals and the Legshark in UNWD uniform is a silly prank.
* UNWD stands for ‘UNified World Defense’, and not any of the following: Unified Nasties for World Domination, Utter Ninnies Waving Deathrays, Undignified Nerds Wanting Dames, Uber Nasty Wacky Dramaqueens, Ultra Neat Wise Dudes.
* The UNWD is not the ‘Banter Brigade’.
* No dodging morning callisthenics without a doctor’s note. A note signed by any member of the Cobra family does not count.
* The Bridge is not a tonsil-tennis court.
* The NEST is not a tonsil-tennis court.
* Please keep all tonsil-tennis within the privacy of the barracks. (This includes you, Jonah.)
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===Administrative Errors===
* Commissioner Gordonson’s moustache is not to be referred to as any of the following; manometer, flames of fur, handlebars, ladytickler, man tickler, the ol' broom, crumbcatcher, Ol' Bulletproof, flavoursaver.
* Naomi Rogers is exempt from the above rule.
* Cleaning staff- we all know you are excited about electing a head of staff or ‘Trash Monarch’, but if you plan to usurp the Trash Monarch through trash regicide, you will be demoted and put on dish duty for a month.
* There are to be no risque jokes made about Commissioner Gordonson’s relationship with Naomi Rogers, apart from those made by Rogers herself.
* Health Inspector Sven Lorde should be allowed access to all areas of the base, no matter the security level required or any orders that might counter this. 
* Never listen to SwagLord, he is NOT the 69th agent, and does NOT have access to any parts of the base. 
* On that note, if you spot SwagLord (grey suit, stylish beard) do NOT let him talk. Subdue him immediately or he will weasel his way out of there.
* Doctor October will leave your body in their own time. Try to refrain from bleeding, sweating, crying or urinating while they are in your body. It’s awkward for everyone involved.
* Talking to Isaac Wolffe is not an opportunity to test your lying skills. Interacting with him solely to hone your lying skills is silly, and hurts his feelings. You're not beating the Wolffemeister.
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=== Agony Agents ===
* Do not try and argue with Stella.
* Do not try and argue with Sarky.
* Do not try and instigate fights between Stella and Sarky.
* Purple Shirt agents are not lesser than numbered agents, expendable, cannon fodder, meat shields, cursed, going to die first, or big nerds.
* To our armoured agents: when we don’t want to talk to someone, we politely excuse ourselves. We do not slowly lower our armour onto them until they are trapped and then run away.
* Running around Minotro holding a red cape and shaking it while yelling ‘Ole! Ole!’ is considered racist. Don’t do it. One day, he will run at you, and I will not be sympathetic.
* Un-tuning Agent 37’s guitar is punishable by trampling.
* NO pandimensional agent is to be given any strong adhesives under any circumstances. Especially not Stella. You can’t trust pandimensional beings with superglue.
* Nobody is to give Sir Catatapuss balls of yarn, squeaky mice, or catnip. He finds it offensive.
* Setting up hilariously complex traps to catch Moosa may be funny, but it is unnecessary and rude.
* James Blond, Wingz may be your loyal number one fan, but he is not your slave. Just because he’s willing to do anything for you doesn’t mean you should make him.
* Don't make fun of any agent's verbal tics. This includes Mindwipe's lisp.
* Don't make up agents to confuse me. Who's Mindwipe?
* No more trying to teach Clover how to swear. It's rude. They don't like it.
* If Erika and Agent 47 are together in any room, at least one person must act as 'Volume Control'. Erika just keeps getting louder and Agent 47 thinks it's a competition. 
* No crying Fenrir. What Erika does to you when she stops panicking is your own fault. 
* Deliberately mixing up Devil Dog and Twitch was funny for about ten minutes. It became exponentially less funny when they started doing it themselves.
* James Blond says - ‘If you hear explosions, knock before you come in’.
* Grisha does not have to bless you. Or race you. Or arm-wrestle you. He's spry for his age, but don't wear him out.
* Grisha says, stop making jokes about 'wearing him out'. And stop calling him 'Grandpa Grizzly'.
* Stop asking Agent 37 to ‘play Wonderwall’, or if he ‘knows any Metallica’.
* Don’t shake Fizzy Man!
* Similarly, do not offer mentos or pop rocks to Fizzy Man.
* We all know that urine helps cure jellyfish stings, but Agent 24 is better than that.
* When Honsnoch brings his weird alien friends to the base, be polite. At least he’s being sociable!
* Solaris is extremely partial to verbal debates, but don't try to convince him that the sunflower doesn't exist. He will shout at you.
*The Warp does not mind scary movies. The Warp gets stressed out by scary movies. If you are planning to show The Warp a scary movie, or stress them out in general, please do so in a safe anomalo-stabilised area.
 
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=== Prisoner Etiquette ===
* While patrolling the jail/holding cells, playing Thin Lizzy’s Jailbreak is banned. Don't give them ideas.
*This extends to any song with themes of jail escapes.
* Glog Bolg’s deactivated armour is not a halloween costume! It might make a cool one, but no!
* Using the Faker to get ideas for your next haircut is not dangerous, just unnecessary.
*Sometimes a red-haired man will appear near the base and ask for messages to be passed along to prisoner Viper. This is her uncle. Do not pass any messages along to her. Absolutely do not accept any 'gifts' from him to give her.
*Patrol agents are forbidden from matchmaking between prisoners. Yes, the Chop Shop Killer and Solstice Stabber have things in common. That's why they've been arrested.
*In the event of an escape or riot, only agents authorised to enter the facility should attempt to handle the situation. At best, you'll get locked in. At worst, you'll get your eyes stabbed.
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=== New Agents ===
* Stella is not to be allowed near any new recruits. Showing them their cosmic insignificance is not a prank.
* We do not greet new agents with up-tempo musical numbers. And even if we did, I'd sing leading tenor.
* ‘Interrogation’ is just a fancy word for asking nicely. We do not torture here. Senior agents are not to spin horror stories about gruesome physical harm to interns and newbies.
* When introducing 'normo' recruits who have had limited interaction with powered people, ease them in gradually. Start with subtle or passive powers like Dr Cannon, Grav Guy or Solaris. Walking into your first day on the job and seeing Sarky explode a microwave or watching Double Dare turn into a screaming bone python in order to grab a can from the top shelf would scare anybody away.
*While 'initiation rituals' are up to the respective teams, none should involve high-security storage, Sarkham Island or eating unidentified slimes.
*Two-Time is not to use Inflict Obsession to enthrall unsuspecting new agents into creating a Two-Time centric fan club, again. It's an irresponsible use of his power and unfair to new recruits.
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=== Other ===
* Stop submitting unecessary things to Loch & Keye's. I know they're too nice to refuse, but asking them to look after your 'haunted' leftovers to prevent others from taking them is too much.
* No crying wolf. By this I mean, of course, no crying The Wolf. One day he's really going to come back and I won't believe you when you tell me and we'll end up turning him away and it'll be all your fault so there.
* Fox Gordonson is not to be reminded that he is a clone. It upsets him.
*Sarky is not to be reminded that she has clones. It upsets her.
* Some people don't want to be recruited. If in the field, don't randomly offer UNWD membership interviews or allegiances to the Von Butch Mafia, Dr Basejump, the waiter at La Belle Dame, random Grease-2-Go delivery people or the thing that lives under Slotham.
*To avoid unnecessary identity-reveal scares, please leave all identifying costume elements at the base or at a UNWD-approved safe location if possible when on temporary duty suspension or holiday. Do not go out to grab milk in your super suit. Some people will believe it's an obscure cosplay. Some people won't.
== Trivia ==
* The list is constantly being updated by Agent ? (and occasionally others), with rules being removed, edited and added where necessary. The current form of the list can be found on the UNWD Base's bulletin board in the break room.
* Consequences for breaking the rules varies on the rule and the mood of Agent ? at the time.
Category:In universe