Stone 71

Chapter 71
Last chapter! Last chapter! Last chapter!
Kahlan staggers back into the inn where Zedd etc, are hanging out. We learn that she's been gone all night, and dawn is just breaking. Kahlan says that she was with Richard, and he's safe. Zedd notices that her hair is long again, and that she's wearing Richard's +5 Riding Crop of Pain around her neck, and – what? The Riding Crop that inflicts unholy agony on anyone who merely touches the person holding it? THAT +5 Riding Crop of Pain?
Dammit, Goodkind! If you're not even going to bother keeping track of your own stupid magic items, WHY DID YOU CREATE THEM? \~/\~/
Kahlan gives Zedd a quick infodump on Richard, and Zedd is happy. Zedd starts pointing out that Kahlan is all sweaty and that her hair is tangled, wondering why Richard didn't grow it back straight: “He didn't do it right.” Kahlan's eyes lose focus, and she says “Believe me, he did it right.”
THEY HAD SEX! GET IT??
And something occurs to me (I'm a little slow here, but in my defense, there was a LOT in these books to occupy my attention): We have no freakin' clue what age Kahlan is, but we know Mindrapists can't have sex without mindraping their partners. We've had not the slightest hint that Kahlan has had any sort of sexual experiences: no reference to old lovers, or even mindraped victims aside from enemy soldiers or convicted murderers. Kahlan has lived her whole adult life knowing that, in giving in to her passion, she will inevitably destroy someone's life forever.
Given all that, she seems a bit . . . sexually aggressive. Her almost-seduction of Richard towards the beginning of Book 1, and now her practically throwing herself on him during the Spirit Magic Booty Call . . . these seem out of character for someone as reserved as the Mother Mindrapist would have to be, simply by virtue of what she is.
I dunno. I'm not taking a drink for it, but it just rings false to me.
Back to the . . . er . . . “story.” It's implied that Zedd and Adie also spent the night boinking, which is incredibly creepy given that Adie is currently suffering from total amnesia. \~/ Speaking of Adie, Kahlan says she has a message for her from the spirits (I guess they waited around until she and Richard were finished to share this message). Said message is from Pell, Adie's old sweetheart. Pell said he knows Adie didn't betray him, and he still loves her. This, surprise surprise, snaps Adie out of her amnesia.
Chandelier takes Kahlan aside, saying that now that he's fulfilled his end of the bargain many times over, they need to head back to Mudville so he can get back to his life . . . no, actually, he doesn't. Instead, he wants to know the English word for “breasts.” Why, you ask? Because he wants to tell Jebra she has nice tits. Ho ho, the heathen savage doesn't understand civilized customs! Komedy! \~/ Kahlan explains things to him, and he says “You are wise, Mother Confessor. I am glad you have Richard back as your mate, or you would surely have chosen Chandalen.”
You know, I believe she would have, but only if she could find a way to humiliate and degrade him in the process. \~/
Back to Richard, who explains to Sandy that Kahlan is not dead. Sandy, of course, believes him immediately. Soon thereafter Richard sees a gargoyle that appears to be breathing, and it turns out to be Gratch. Richard asks Gratch to forgive him, they hug, and everyone's happy. Including me. The book is almost over, and Gratch is one of the few characters in it I can tolerate.
Richard gives Gratch the hank of hair Kahlan had given him, muses on how it will soon be spring, and the book ends.
So that was Stone of Tears, and wow, was it bad. As bad as it was, though, it's not even close to the worst of the series. But now, almost all of the elements are in place: Richard's Sue ex machina magic, Kahlan's bitchiness, the pair's unstoppable self-righteous hypocrisy, bizarre and dreadful attitudes towards sex and rape, and the general tenor of the world (such as it is). Hope you're game for more.Drinks: 5Grand Total Drinks: 521Series Total Drinks: 857Rape Count: 10I would like to leave you all with this thought: I have now sporked two entire Sword of Truth books, a total of 1,275 pages of Goodkind. In the process, I have consumed (not really) 857 drinks, and witnessed at least 10 rapes or near-rapes. In all that time, and despite the main character being named Richard, I have not made one single, solitary “dick” joke.Thank you, and good night.
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