Cold Ramen: S01E08

Passion of the Box is the eighth episode of the Cold Ramen series. The episode is about the hijinks that ensue when Support Box and Question Box are visited by Clocko, the Lord of Time. 
== The Episode ==
HELLO EVERYBODY! WELCOME TO SUPPORT BOX!
THE SHOW WHERE WE TALK ABOUT SUPPORT BOX!
HOW ARE YOU DOING SUPPORT BOX?
I’M DOING GREAT QUESTION BOX
LETS BEGIN
TODAY'S TOPIC IS GONNA BE A DOOZY!
FINALLY WE’RE GONNA TALK ABOUT OBESITY!
EVERYBODY IS BECOMING FAT THESE DAYS
ONE DAY THE WORLD IS GONNA BE RUN BY FAT FUCKS WHO LOOK LIKE EARL
NOT THIS TIME BOSS! TODAY'S EPISODE IS ABOUT RELIGION
FOR OUR GUESTS WE HAVE A CATHOLIC PRIEST, A SCIENTIST, AND THE LEADER OF AN ALTERNATIVE RELIGIOUS ORGANIZATION
QUESTION BOX THIS SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A BAR JOKE
BUT FUCK IT, WHAT RELIGION ARE YOU A PART OF
I’m actually a landlord.
(support box looks at question box)
i know they have the word lord in their names but LANDLORDS ARENT ACTUAL GODS
Well, I do collect tithe from my tenants, along with the usual rent, gratuity, and tip
see, boss, he is a god! the people give him offerings, and if they don't they'll be banished from his realm!
wow question box i... i... i didnt think of it like that.. i guess, if you really think about it... 
yeah boss! hey landlord guy, if i bought some houses, could i be a landlord too?
Careful there, buddy! That sounds like idolatry! There's only room for so many landlords on Earth!
what'll happen, will i get struck down if i try?
I don't know, just don't buy any houses, fucker.
a-anyway, first question! Does heaven exist in your religions? what do you think, science man?
First of all, science is NOT a religion. It is a basis of facts and evidence that--
NERD!
yeah you kind of sound like that fedora tipping FAGGOT Earl! And your religion sounds like err... I don't know... ATHEISM? I thought you were Catholic!
I'm a scientist, Support Box. I can only trust what I see...also pages of peer-reviewed studies.
WOW ALRIGHT HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH THE SCIENTIFIC JARGON AND GOBBLEDYGOOK! UGH... I HATE ALL THIS SMART SHIT! YOU AND LARRY KING BOTH... IF ONLY WE COULD TURN BACK TIME SO WE DIDNT HAVE YOU ON...
uh how about you, father?
Yes, Question Box, there is a heaven out there. And if you don't cease with using the lord's name in vain and your other various sins, Support Box, you will be damn to hell forever and ever.
FATHER FORGIVE ME! It's just... I've been almost raped at like 64 different times by a talking bull while I was in prison, I had this fat kid almost come and steal my show... I CANT REALLY BELIEVE IN A GOD, YKNOW? I need PROOF! PROOF OF A GOD! Is that so much to ask!?
Support Box, faith makes a fool of what makes sense. You must believe in that which you cannot see.
like how earl believed that he was having sex with boss' mom!
WHATEVER, WHATEVER! DONT EVEN BRING IT UP, IT WAS ANOTHER CLASSIC SUPPORT BOX TWIST... WHY DO WE KEEP TALKING ABOUT THAT FAT TUB OF LARD ANYWAY? UHHH... WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? OH YEAH, GOD! SO LIKE I WAS SAYING, IF HE'S NOT ACTUALLY THERE HOW CAN I BELIEVE IN HIM?
(as if summoned by those words, a gust of wind blew through the studio, causing everyone to look around for a source. suddenly, a bright flash of light filled the room and the lord of time himself clocko appeared!)
Hey Guys. It's Me. Clocko. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
(the audience collectively starts losing their shit, throwing flowers onto the stage and cooing)
who the hell are you?! you're not the surprise guest i ordered! security!
Settle Down, Settle Down, It's Only Me, The Time Lord...
(the audience is still losing their shit and they're howling like fucking monkeys)
QUESTION COCK, I THINK I GOT WHAT I WANTED - I THINK THIS GUY MIGHT BE LIKE A GOD OR SOMTHING! LANDFUCK, PRIEST, SCIENCE GUY, GET OUT OF HERE NOW! I HAVE TO TALK TO THIS GUY!
Pfft, whatever. One of my "believers" is late on offerings, so I have to hock her quadriplegic son's gaming chair as atonement.
the landlord, priest, and scientist walk off set
i don't think that's a gaming chair! a-anyway, there's no way you're a god! you'd have to have special godly powers!
How Do You Think I Got In Here, Mr. Box?
YEAH HOW DO YOU THINK HE GOT IN HERE YOU DUMB BOX OF SHIT? SIT DOWN TIME LORD, SIT DOWN!
Oh Of Course Gladly. Ha Ha Ha.
(the time lord takes a seat)
QUESTION COCK, UHM, COME UP WITH SOME QUESTIONS ON THE SPOT!
uh, well, what are you the god of? space? dimensions?
I'm The Lord Of Time, Of Course. I Manipulated The Timeline So I Could Renew Support Box's Faith In A God...
(the audience aww's)
WOW! YOU DID ALL OF THAT FOR ME? WOW... I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY!
Yes Yes, I Could Be Doing Other Things Such As Preventing Disasters Or Even Criminals But I Uhhh... Thought This Was More Important.
Well Okay... That's Not True... The Truth Is, It Was My Son Clocky's Idea...
oooh, are there more gods like you out there? are any of them keeping an eye on yours truly? i could really use some help in life! ˡᶦᵏᵉ ʷᶦᵗʰ ᵍᶦʳˡˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ˢᵗᵘᶠᶠ.
Err, Well, Maybe The Sex God Cocko...
COCKO?
Yes, The Sex Lord Cocko... We Err... Haven't Spoken In Awhile.
wow, a sex god? will he answer my sex related prayers? ive always wanted 2 girls of every race so they can fight each other, and the winner gets the honor of being impregnated by my seed!
i-i mean i want a normal monoamorous relationship with a woman. can he do that?
...
Perhaps You Need The Assistance of Clubbo, The Pimp Lord...
there's a PIMP god? who else is in this parthenon?
Too Many To Count, Quite Frankly... We Can't Forget Cocko's Friend Dicko And My Trusted Companion, Doggo...
WOW! SO MANY! HMM... WHAT KIND OF STUFF CAN YOU PULL OFF! CAN YOU GO BACK AND TIME TO STOP EARL FROM DOING WHATEVER HE DID? OR PREVENT BULLO FROM BECOMING A RAPIST?
Ha Ha Ha, Well, I Wouldn't Want To Interfere With The Timeline Too Much, But I Suppose I Can Show You...
(clocko snapped his fingers and in a flash of light a portal opened in front of him. inside the portal a young bull was in a field, munching on grass)
Bullo's Insatiable Lust For Cock Began On This Fateful Day. It Would Change His Life Forever.
oh boy, a exclusive sneak peek into the past lives of guests! what happened?
Just Watch, Question Box...
(a farmer walked up to bullo with a stool and a bucket)
alright, old bessie! my eyesight may be failing me, but i'll be damned if that'll stop me from farming!
(he positioned the bucket under bullo, reached down, and grabbed his "udder". bullos' eyes widened as if he had just reached enlightenment)
OH DEAR FOLKS THIS IS BAD NEWS CAN WE EDIT THIS IN POST? OH DEAR, THIS MAY BE GRAPHIC!!
STOP THE CAMERAS CUT TO A COMMERCIAL WE CANT SHOW THIS
(when the farmer was finished, he put a finger down in the bucket and gave the milk a taste)
ooh wee! that's some strong milk! could put that in an energy drink, you could! coulda sworn cows had more than one udder though...
(bullo was in a state of bliss, licking his lips. the portal flashed and now an older bullo was standing behind a cow, the farmer and some other humans)
alright now, bullo! dont be shy hehe! need me some more calves
(bullo approached the female heifer, but turned to look at another nearby bull. he charged for the male and positioned himself behind him, backing up until he was under him ass first)
OH GOD WHAT THE FUCK BULLO STOP THATS NOT HOW YOU MAKE CALVES
Because Of The Farmer's Error, He Created The Sexual Deviant Who Harasses You To This Day. But What If He Hadn't Gone Down That Path?
(Clocko snapped his fingers again and now the portal was in an arena)
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, GIVE IT UP FOR THE WILDEST BULL IN BULLFIGHTING HISTORY, BULLOISIMO!!!
(a bullo who looked exactly like bullo, minus the prison pants and tattoos charged out of the arena, showboating as fans cheered) 
so if bullo didn't get a handjob, he turns into an international superstar? sounds like a lotta BULLshit, amirite, boss?
WAIT... IS HE STILL GAY IN THIS TIMELINE? I DONT GET IT
i mean, he's still chasing men, just men in bright costumes! my money's on him sucking dick still
(the portal faded away)
Now Do You Believe?
i'm a believer now, clocko!
IM ALSO A BELIEVER, I MEAN, HOW COULD I NOT BELIEVE AT THIS POINT?
(support box turns to the audience)
EVERYONE.. I KNOW YOU WERE ALL SHOUTING FOR OUR LORD AND SAVIOR THE TIME LORD EARLIER BUT NOW, TO THOSE IN THE AUDIENCE WHO DONT BELIEVE, TO THOSE WATCHING FROM HOME... I URGE YOU... TO BELIEVE!
(an audience member sprints to the stage and falls at the feet of the boxes and clocko)
LORD CLOCKO I HAVE COMMITTED GREAT SINS. I WANT TO BE SAVED
(question box puts his hand on the man's shoulder)
yes my child...hm, i feel the sin within you festering...LET CLOCKO'S LIGHT SHINE THROUGH YOU!!!
(question box slaps the man across the face and he starts spazzing out on the floor speaking in tongues and shit)
oh crap i didnt mean to hit him that hard! y-you saw me just tap him, right guys?
I THINK THATS CLOCKO'S LIGHT SURGING THROUGH HIM, QUESTION BOX!
Oh Dear... I Certainly Didn't Intend For This To Happen...
WELL, UM... WHO ELSE IN THE AUDIENCE HAS SINNED?!
(a beautiful woman runs to the stage and falls at their feet)
OH CLOCKO I HAVE SINNED AS WELL!!
(question box licks his lips)
guys, you gotta let me have this one, i need this...AHEM what is your sin, my child
I falsely accused my husband of beating me and had him sent to jail!
i can fix her boss, please i really need this
GIVE IT A GO! OOH... OUR RATINGS, I MEAN, UH, LOOK HOW MANY SOULS WE'RE GOING TO SAVE!
in the name of the father, the son, and the holy analog clock, i cleanse you of your sin!! LET CLOCKO'S LIGHT SHINE THROUGH YOU!!!
(question box slapped her and the woman dramatically collapsed in his arms. he gave a thumbs up to support box and clocko.)
i was thinking, clocko, our platform, your mystical powers, we could convert millions, BILLIONS even! what do you think, boss?
YES! THIS IS BRILLIANT! WE JUST NEED THE O-KAY FROM MR. CLOCKO, I MEAN, THE DIVINE LORD
Err... Well, Of Course, My Children, So Long As You Spread My Name In Good Faith...
BRILLIANT! THANKS MR. CLOCKO!
NOW WHO ELSE WANTS TO LEARN ABOUT THEIR LORD AND SAVIOR?! CAN I GET A HALLELUJAH?!?!
(the audience whoops and cheers)
MEANWHILE, ON BETA EARTH...
(cocko, the lord of sex, sat at a desk in a room with images of scantily clad women everywhere)
Oh yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about, oh yeah oh yeah OH YEAH TAKE THIS BLESSING BITCH TAKE IT YEAH
(the door to the room opened and a man wearing nothing but a helmet and a loincloth entered and turned on the lights)
OH LORD MY ROD, A MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY HAS EMERGED
What the cock, man?! Can't you read the goddamn "Sloppy Toppy" sign on the door?
n-no my lord, not after you replaced all language classes with dick sucking 101
Oh yeah, I did do that. Anyway, what's the problem? This better be good.
Our top soldiers were watching television when we saw a disturbing sight...check channel 49!
(cocko grabbed a remote and turned on a TV on the wall to his right, which immediately started blasting interracial dwarf porn)
Geez, the stuff they play on TV these days... 
(he typed in 49 and watched as support box and question box were baptizing people in a kiddie pool. clocko looked on.)
What. The. Cock?! What is Clocko doing?! Is he...CONVERTING those mortals?! He still thinks he's better than me, huh? After all these years? Well, no one and I mean NO ONE beats Cocko in a dick measuring contest!
(he pounds his table with his fists)
Gather the troops. We'll go to Earth, track down Clocko and his new friends, and unleash a thick holy war on his ass. Then a dick. Lots of dicks. Did you get all that, Dicko?
(from cocko's lap, a woman emerged. she wiped her lips and grinned.)
Yes, my lord.
BACK ON THE SET OF SUPPORT BOX...
ok mr. time lord so yes i did beat my wife, yes i did kill her, yes i did bury her in a ditch in the desert just outside las vegas, yes i lied to all my friends and family about her going missing but... I WANT TO BE FORGIVEN
(question box sits on the guest couch, using a woman as a footrest. two other women rub his shoulders and a third feeds him grapes)
oh yeah uhh thats so awful, but uh with the strobe light of clocko i cleanse you or somethin GOD DAMN BITCH WATCH HOW YOU'RE HANDLING THOSE SHOULDERS anyway if you buy us something off our online shopping list you'll go to the big happy clock in the sky. you want anything, boss?
(support box is currently sleeping on a pile of money until he is awoken from his slumber)
huh... wuh... uhhh... uhhhmm.... uhhhhh.... money?
i dont even remember boss, something about burying his dick in the desert for 40 days. uhh clocko does the good book reference something about this?
Gentlemen, I Believe We May Have Strayed Too Far From Spreading The Good Word...
what makes you think that?
(a woman in a bikini with a question mark tattooed on her neck walks on stage with another girl)
Daddy Minister Question Box! I found a new convert! She will do anything to receive the word. Anything.,.
(the new girl nods enthusiastically)
hey boss, you want this one? im all sexed out. im only getting ghost shots now. wait, clocko, can you rewind my dick in time?
I'm Afraid That Won't Be Possible...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
okay, tell you what, if you can beat up these two skanks i mean devoted followers rubbing my shoulders, you're in
(the girl pulls out a pocket knife and prepares to lunge at the nearest girl when a portal opens up in the middle of the stage. it was pink and looked like a vagina. the sex lord himself cocko stepped out, along with his right hand woman dicko.)
Greetings, sluts and himbos alike! It is I, Cocko, Lord of Sex, The God with the Big Rod, et cetera, et cetera.
clocko is this one of your guys? does he want to convert too? never boned a god before...
Sex Lord Cocko? I Haven't Seen You In Hundreds Of Years...
(support box is awakened from his sleep)
huh... wuh... COCKO? 
Yes, Cocko! I'm here to take what's yours! I'll take your converts, your loot, and your virginity if you play your cards right! As for you, Clocko, I spent a lot of time in the Sex Colony, hate fucking this cumslut Dicko here and thinking of you. Isn't that right, my dirty girl? Anyway, this is the perfect chance for revenge!
You... Were Thinking Of Me Instead Of The Girl You Were Having Sex With?
I...uh...FUCK YOU, YOU DUSTY OLD CLOCK FUCK! To me, my Sex-men!
(the portal expanded and column after column of helmet and loincloth clad men stepped out, spears with dildo tips at the ready. the audience began to panic.)
OH MY CLOCKO WERE ALL GONNA DIE
question box shoved off the girls and ran to support box, shaking him furiously
boss boss boss get up we gotta do something, or our gooses are cooked!
oh shit oh shit OH SHIT WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO!
question box looked at the nearest exit. cocko troops were swarming to block it. he turned back to support box.
no, boss. no running. its time we fight.
he began addressing the audience, who were still in their seats
Everyone! Before this show, I was just another greedy materialistic fool. I only believed in the almighty dollar. But after meeting Clocko, I changed. I became a timeist, and all timeists know that our religion takes priority, always. So now, I call upon you to take arms against these infidels at our doorstep! For the Glory of Clocko! CLOCKO FOREVER!!!
(the audience rose to their feet and cheered, jumping over chairs and each other to rush the stage head on. cocko's army wasted no time mowing them down, one audience member getting a spear rammed so far up his ass the end came out of his mouth. (question box grabbed one of his girls and a sack full of cash)
ALRIGHT LETS BAIL, BOSS!!
(the two ran off the set, question box laughing as he ran)
can you believe those IDIOTS bought all that? why didn't we do all this religion stuff earlier?
thats what im saying question cock... now we have the money, the girls, AND the ratings! we're geniuses!
(as they reached the outside world, a portal opened up in front of them. cocko and dicko stepped out.)
You can't escape us that easily! Time for a ritual killing!
(cocko began unzipping his pants and question box groaned)
WHY DOES SOMEONE ALWAYS GET NAKED EVERY TIME WE AIR?! BOSS, ANY SUGGESTIONS?
I DONT WANNA GET RAPED! I DONT WANNA GET FUCKING RAPED! ILL YELL, DO YOU HEAR ME!? I WILL YELL!
(question box got on his kness and began to pray)
dear clocko thank you for this day you have given us. please dont let the mean sex people kill the boss and i, we got lost in the movement and stuff. also please let me remember that one blonde girls phone number. the one with the big boobs. also please let her survive the slaughter going on in the set. in clocko's name amen
Clocko can't save you now!
(the time lord shakes his head)
Foolish, Foolish, Foolish... Foolish Of Me To Have Even Entertained These Jesters...
(with the snap of his fingers, a bright white flash envelops the studio and its rowdy inhabitants, as time begins reversing back to earlier in the episode...)
...SO LIKE I WAS SAYING, IF HE'S NOT ACTUALLY THERE HOW CAN I BELIEVE IN HIM?
...
maybe it's like a coin toss situation, boss! you can look at the beliefs presented by each religion, and believe in whatever you want! or don't, like the science nerd!
... BAH! TOO MUCH WORK!
y-yeah it sounded stupid coming outta my mouth. anyway give it up for our special guest, snacko!
(a human sized white and reg bag of popcorn walked on stage)
snacko claims to be the god of...i'll let him tell us
Hey, guys! Glad to be here to tell you about the one true religion! Snackism! The lord will dispense his treats upon the believers of this world, who will be raptured to Snackgri-la when the end times and hellfire come!
yeah this is the dumbest bit ive ever heard. boss?
... FUCK IT, JUST CLOSE THE SHOW. I DONT WANNA TALK ABOUT GOD ANYMORE.
B-but I have snacks for everyone! See, see?
(snacko raises his hands and various chips and snack cakes fall from the ceiling)
yeah this is lame, cut the cameras. see you next week everyone
ooh cosmic brownies...
Category:Cold Ramen
Category:Cold Ramen Episodes
Category:Episodes
Category:The Modern Times
Category:Support Box