Urge

I have heard of a plethora of strange mental disorders and defects over the years. I've heard of bathmophobia, the irrational fear of stairs, Cotard's syndrome, where the victim believes they are deceased, and boanthropy, where the victim believes they are a cow, just to name a few. Even if these disorders are exteremely rare, they are still exhibited in a select few people. However, I believe I am the only one who is suffering my mental disorder.
My "mental disorder" isn't technically an official disorder, as there has been no reported case of its existence. But, trust me, what I'm going through is an actual issue that disrupts my life physically, socially, and psychologically.
Now, I know what you're wondering: what is this supposed mental disorder? Well, I'll tell you. For about three years, I have been constantly feeling this strange urge. What the urge is, I don't know until I perform it, but what I do know is that the feeling plagues my mind and won't go away until I perform what the said urge is.
Before I go into further detail, I will recall when this strange anomaly planted itself into my brain. It was my twelfth birthday, and my parents had bought me an off-road dirt bike as a gift. I was eager to use it, and since my close friend also happened to have a similar bike, I begged my parents to allow me to bike with him. After much pleading and bribing, I got my wish, and my friend and I travelled to a desolate area perfect for biking. We rode around for about an hour, until I suffered the accident which would alter my life permanently. I was looking down when I was biking in one area, so I didn't notice the cube-shaped concrete plate that I was headed right for. My bike tripped over it, and my head collided with the concrete. That accident knocked me unconscious. Luckily, my friend had noticed, so I was admitted to a hospital. Luckily, the accident only gave me a minor concussion and minimal brain damage. However, what seemed like a miracle turned into a curse, as the minor brain damage had a severe consequence.
A few days after the incident, I was sitting in my living room, when the dreaded urge popped inti existence. I wasn't aware of what was occurring when it first started happening, so I assumed it was just some temporary side effect of the accident. I took a nap, hoping the strange feeling would diminish by the time I woke up. Contrary to what I thought, the urge was more intense than before once I woke up. I decided that I would get to the bottom of this urge. I started performing what the urge told me to do. Basically, I left my house and walked in a random direction for half an hour. I eventually got bored, and that combined with the fact that my parents would be home briefly and would be concerned if I magically vanished, was enough to quit my trek and go back home.
However, once I stopped performing what the urge directed, a subtle feeling of numbness combined with anxiety gradually started to linger in my mind. This strange concoction of emotion was enough to keep me up at night for the next few weeks, but I eventually got used to it.
A few weeks later, I was walking home when my thoughts were infested by the numbness and anxiety. I decided that I had enough of constantly feeling that emotion, so I decided to give the urge a shot again. Once walking aimlessly in that direction again, my anxiety abruptly ended, and I felt a strong sense of euphoria, celebrating the fact that it was gone. I enjoyed the feeling, but my logic kicked in again, and realized that I needed to return home. Like before, the anxiety returned once I ended my trek, and the intense feeling bothered me ever since.
I passively ignored the urge up until a few weeks ago. The constant feeling of numbness triggered some nihilism in me, which caused me to slack off regarding school work. I got two F's on my report card because of this decision, and upon the realization that I would have to repeat my freshman year, I finally cracked.
I didn't care about the consequences anymore. I was going to alliviate these emotions, as it took a devastating turn on my life. These emotions were hazardous towards my success in life, so I needed to follow the urge, and now.
I started giving in to the urge. The euphoria I experienced while submissing to the urge was enough to keep me going. I kept walking in the same direction for what seemed like hours. It was evening when the urge finally told me to stop walking.
I was in front of a familiar looking cube. Engraved in it was one sentence:
"You should have resisted the urge."
This frightened me enough to convince myself to return home immediately. However, once I started defying the rules of the urge, the effect was much more severe. The effects weren't just emotional now. My vision became blurry, my heartrate jumped drastically, and I felt nauseous. I quickly ran back to the cube to put a stop to my torture. I fell asleep beside it.
In the morning, I decided to try to leave the cube again. It had dawned on me that I had not eaten food or drank water for an entire day, and I needed those essential substances pronto. Once I left the cube, the same effects occurred, yet more severe. I quickly ran back to the cube. I began to sob. Is this the end? Is this how I die? I could barely sleep the follwing night because of immense hunger and thirst.
No matter how I left the cube, the same things occurred. I concluding that it was impossible to exit the close grasp of the cube without major consequences. At that point, I was starting to slowly die, as I had not consumed anything for multiple days.
I have attempted suicide before. Yesterday, I ran as fast as my starved body could manage, and no matter how long I stayed out there, I couldn't die. I have concluded that the only way to die revolves around the cube.
I am currently writing this on multiple sticky notes and a pen I conveniently had stored in my pocket. In a few hours, I think I may die. I am living on the last bit of consciousness I have, so writing this is difficult, but I want to make something entirely clear:
I am certain that I am the only one who has or ever will experience this. However, on the off chance that there is someone going through a similar situation, I would like you to remember this: no matter how intense the consequences of not obeying the urge is, you must ALWAYS REMEMBER TO RESIST THE URGE.
Category:Mental Illness