You're in the Wrong Neighborhood/Script

EpicLLOYD: Hello, and welcome to Total Drama ERB!
Nice Peter: Where we can do illegal things for people’s entertainment!
EpicLLOYD: So last time, our little test subjects ran around a Wild West set, and shot stuff!
Nice Peter: Not as fun as it should have been to watch…
EpicLLOYD: And according to this paper that Walter White, the chemical Joan released is supposed to affect the contestants…now…
Nice Peter: The only way to cure it, says here, is to take a hydrogen pump, plug it into their ass, and-
EpicLLOYD: Start the damn episode already!
Hulk Hogan: Can do, brother!
*The scene cuts to all the contestants in the dining hall, eating breakfast*
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: Boo!
Justin Bieber: What?
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: You better eat!
*The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come slops food onto Bieber’s tray*
Justin Bieber: At least this smells edible…
Bob Ross: Where’s the salt?
Gandhi: No salt for you!
Bob Ross: God dammit, Gandhi!
*the scene shifts over to the people at the tables eating*
Team Epic Winner’s Table
Darth Vader: Still nothing from the chemical bullshit…
Adolf Hitler: I’m calling it a hoax now.
Al Capone: Could have just been food poisoning, who knows? Anywho, today starts a new chapter in team Epic Winners.
Adolf Hitler: Anyone else notice our team initials spell out “Ew”?
Master Chief: At least we only have one idiot left on our team now.
Eve: Yeah, and she’s sitting right next to me. *Eve points to Cleopatra*
Cleopatra: Well, at least I have good taste in men…well, wo-men…
*Bob Ross sits down at their table*
Bob Ross: Something tells me the chemicals are kicking in…
Cleopatra: Huh?
*Bob Ross points at Ali and Jordan duking it out*
Al Capone: Holy Kelly, this is magnificent.
Team Massive Failure’s Table:
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You two, calm down. This is no way for a team member to behave.
Miley Cyrus: According to this paper I found outside, the chemicals affect people who’ve…been in a battle together?
Leonidas: What now?
Miley Cyrus: I dunno…but Ali and Jordan are on the list of those who will experience the affect, as are Adam and Eve…
Adam: Eve…what a pretty name, for such a pretty girl…
Mr. T: Sucka, snap outta it!
Lady Gaga: Let him feel true love, T. It’s an experience we all should enjoy in our lives.
Mr. T: Lemme guess, you took Bob’s “turtle powder” stuff too?
Lady Gaga: No. It’s just, as a pop star, it’s my duty to u-
Justin Bieber: To understand love, write about it, bla bla bla.
Miley Cyrus: It says here, that people who are affected will feel something…like a magnetic repulsion…or attraction…when near each other…
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Seems like the latter for Ali and Jordan here.
Leonidas: …is that me and Chief on the list?
Miley Cyrus: It appears so…
Leonidas: One second, I want to check this shit out…
*Leonidas leaves to go check on Master Chief*
Edgar Allan Poe: Leo, do you not forget? What happened last night to cause us fret?
Miley Cyrus: What?
Edgar Allan Poe: I think to tell you later would be too soon. The other team is planning our doom!
Miley Cyrus: Well, that’s just a load! Why would they do that?
Adam: I wouldn’t mind Eve’s load…on her chest…
Mr. T: Shut up, sucka!
*The scene cuts to Leonidas walking over to Master Chief*
Leonidas: Hey, Master Chief. You and me, we got beef.
Master Chief: …what now?
Leonidas: Stand up and look me in the eyes, bitch!
*Master Chief stands up, not knowing what to do. Leonidas stands there, wanting to feel the vibe, but nothing happens*
Leonidas: Oh…
Master Chief: What?
Leonidas: *hugs Master Chief* I…I love you too, man!
Master Chief: Excuse me?
Leonidas: *begins crying* I…I just thought we had beef, you know? But we’re cool now, it’s good.
Al Capone: I think Leo here’s gone mental.
Cleopatra: Excuse me?
Eve: Your name is Cleo, not Leo. Seriously, how dumb are you?
Adolf Hitler: Not as dumb as you, blondie. Ha!
*Eve glares at Hitler*
(Confessional) Adolf Hitler: *shudder* Women…
Master Chief: …could you let go of me?
Leonidas: Not yet, bro. Gotta embrace this moment…you know, I thought the chemicals would set us further apart, but there’s no vibe, so it’s cool man.
Master Chief: Vibe?
Leonidas: From the chemicals, you know?
(Confessional) Master Chief: No, I don’t know.
Nice Peter: Challenge time, contraceptives!
EpicLLOYD (via intercom): He means constructors.
Nice Peter: Same difference.
EpicLLOYD (via intercom): No, it’s not.
Edgar Allan Poe: Gah!
*The scene transitions to the challenge, where Mr. Rogers welcomes the players while standing between 2 plain, non-decorated houses.*
Mr. Rogers: Hello, you little fucks.
Mr. T: What did we do?
Mr. Rogers: Today you pieces of shit need to build a house to live in for your team. I doubt you’ll all succeed, because you’re all little bitches.
Al Capone: Uh…
Mr. Rogers: Shut up! No one said you could talk.
(Confessional) Adolf Hitler: Mr. Rogers scares me…
Leonidas: So, any rules about the house?
Mr. Rogers: Yeah. Don’t fucking mess this up, you asswipes.
Adolf Hitler: Sounds good to me, guys! Let’s do this, haha…
Mr. Rogers: Shut the fuck up, you disappointment, before I shove your foot up your ass.
Adolf Hitler: Sounds fun…
Mr. Rogers: Alright, you kids! Have fun, I can’t wait to see your lovely creations!
*Everyone watches Mr. Rogers skip off camera with the exact opposite mood he just had*
Leonidas: So…
Michael Jordan: …yup.
Master Chief: So. Who here has experience building a house?
Bob Ross: I've painted all sorts of happy little houses before.
Master Chief: I'm sure you have. Now. Who here has experience building a house?
*Only a cricket can be heard chirping, which Master Chief promptly stomps on.*
Master Chief: Wonderful to know.
Cleopatra: The best part is how we voted off William Wallace and how Goku got disqualified, both of whom would've been the heavy lifters for this challenge.
Leonidas: HAH! Well, we've still got two powerhouses over here! Right, Mr. T?
Mr. T: Right, fool! Ain't nothin gon' hold us back!
Leonidas: You guys ready for this?!
Massive Failures: YEAH!
Leonidas: Let's get to it!!
Al Capone: Yeah, we ain't letting you failures win this time. You guys got yer name for a reason, and we intend to make sure that stays that way this time. Right team?
Epic Winners: RIGHT!
Bob Ross: LET'S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT!
*Elsewhere*
Nice Peter: They're totally going to fuck up this challenge somehow.
EpicLLOYD: Yeah. ...want popcorn?
Nice Peter: Hell yeah.
EpicLLOYD: HOGAN! Bring us some popcorn!
Hulk Hogan: Yessir.
Nice Peter: And get us some soda, Macho Man.
Macho Man: Right away, brothers.
Epic Winners
Al Capone: Alright, time to get to work. We have to own this challenge hard. Master Chief, Darth Vader. You two look like the strongest guys here with your suits, so you need to go get to work by bringing in the furniture.
*The two get to work carrying in furniture bit by bit, starting with a couch.*
Al Capone: Bob Ross. You're a talented painter, so I'm going to need you to help lead furnishing the house, making it look good. Got it?
Bob Ross: I drew a turtle with a dick the other day.
Al Capone: ...of course you did. Now go get some paint and bring it inside, then start painting as asked.
*Bob Ross does just that.*
Al Capone: Anyways... Hitler, you were also a painter at one point. Go help him. Cleo, Eve, dolls; help me bring in as many screwdrivers and brushes and drills and other tools as we can carry, capisce?
Cleopatra: Excuse me? I don't need to take this sort of abuse. I'm heading inside.
*Cleopatra struts into the house.*
Eve: Okay, that was weird... Don't worry, I'll help.
(Confessional) Al Capone: This is going to be harder than I thought... But I have full faith in this here team. They remind me of my men back home, and they were full on loyal to me. I have no doubt these guys will be the same.
(Confessional) Adolf Hitler: I don't trust other people that try to lead things I'm apart of, especially not that Al fellow. I'm the world leader here!
(Confessional) Darth Vader: If we lose this challenge, Al Capone goes home first.
(Confessional) Master Chief: I don't have a good history with people who try to aren't fit to take charge trying to take charge.
(Confessional) Bob Ross: ...what do we use for this confessional, anyways? I don't even remember how I got in here.
Massive Failures
Adam: Alright, alright, so. We've got a lot of team members, so it's going to take a lot of team work to get everything inside. Leonidas, Mr. T. Obviously as the strongest, you two should start with carrying things in. Muhammad Ali, you seem to be the next strongest, so please help them carry in things as well.
Michael Jordan: Hey, I'm JUST as strong as that punk!
Muhammad Ali: I seriously doubt that.
Michael Jordan: You wanna go, oven mitts?
Muhammad Ali: Bring it, towel boy!
Adam: Wow, okay, how about instead of being stupid, you both go over there and start bringing things in? Leonidas, you work with Ali. Mr. T, you work with Jordan. That way, no fighting. At least I hope. Now, go. Shoo. Get to work.
*Leonidas, Mr. T., Michael Jordan ,and Muhammad Ali make their way over to the furniture pile, the latter two constantly glaring at each other.*
Adam: Alright, uhh... Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus. You're all artists. Now take the paint inside and do painting stuff.
Justin Bieber: Seriously? We're not that sort of artist.
Adam: Shut up. Go do it. Now, Poe and Tyson. We're the last three left, so let's start bringing in these tools and stuff.
Edgar Allan Poe: This is not much of a task, so we shall certainly do as you ask.
*As Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, and Miley Cyrus start bringing in paint, Adam, Edgar Allan Poe, and Neil deGrasse Tyson start to gather up hammers, nails, paintbrushes, and other sorts of tools.*
Epic Winners
*The team goes about helping one another. Darth Vader helps drill in screws, Al Capone puts filling in between tiles in the bathroom, and both Bob Ross and Adolf Hitler are assigned to help paint rooms.*
*The scene cuts to Eve's room.*
Eve: I was thinking something in memory of the Garden of Eden. Lush flora everywhere, maybe a nice sunset in the background. Something really relaxing and nice to wake up to.
Bob Ross: Can do, cool sister.
*The scene cuts to Master Chief's room.*
Master Chief: Oh, don't worry about painting my room. I've got wallpaper from home I'm gonna set up.
Adolf Hitler: I'm gonna paint a school in your room.
Master Chief: I...I just said, I don't want my wall painted.
Adolf Hitler: And I just said you're getting a school.
Master Chief: Ugh...
(Confessional) Master Chief: I...don't have a good history with schools, either.
Massive Failures
*The scene switches to the Massive Failure house, where every team member is doing their part.*
Justin Bieber: Look, I told you, I have no experience painting.
Adam: We need someone to help paint the rooms. Leonidas, Mr. T, Jordan, and Ali are moving the beds into every room; Poe, Tyson, and I are all hurrying to stabilize the foundation of the building and put in all the flooring; and that leaves you, Cyrus, and Gaga to paint the walls. I understand you’ve got no experience, but you’re the only ones left, and as musical artists, you three are the most creative. So...yeah. Go get to work.
Justin Bieber: Fine, whatever.
*Edgar Allan Poe comes wheeling in a massive piano with the help of Mr. T.*
Edgar Allan Poe: Oh, good fortune is imminent, for I have found this joyous instrument!
Adam: Wow. That is...that’s a big piano.
Edgar Allan Poe: It shall be good to pass the time, but for now, it is mine!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Wouldn’t it make more sense for the musically adapted to have the piano?
Justin Bieber: Who cares? Let him have his dumb piano.
Adam: He wasn’t really complaining about it, but alright.
(Confessional) Adam: I feel like Justin Bieber has it out for all of us. Then again, it might just be me.
Epic Winners
Cleopatra: Siiiigh.
Adolf Hitler: Ugh, is something wrong?
Cleopatra: Well, watching you paint poorly-drawn pyramids on my wall isn’t the most enjoyable experience.
Adolf Hitler: Poorly drawn!?
Cleopatra: I just want some...real excitement!
Adolf Hitler: Well, you could get off your ass and do something.
Cleopatra: Oh, but work is so much...work.
Adolf Hitler: You’re good at flirting, or something, I don’t know. Go...flirt with the opposing team. Maybe make one of them mess up. Get them to lose the challenge. I don’t know. Just...go make yourself useful.
Cleopatra: Hmm…
*As Adolf Hitler continues painting, Cleopatra exits her room, then the Epic Winners’ house as a whole. She makes her way over to the Massive Failures’ house, which Adam just so happens to step outside of in time.*
Adam: Uhh, excuse me. May I help you?
Cleopatra: Oh, I just wanted to...come see how you were doing~
Adam: I’m, uhh...doing fine. What do you want?
Cleopatra: Maybe you could allow me to come in? Just to see how you guys are doing… That isn’t too much of a problem, is it?
Adam: Well, I, uhh… I guess not. Sure, I...suppose you can come in.
Cleopatra: Thank you very much, darling.
*Cleopatra enters the house, Adam blushing like mad.*
(Confessional) Adam: ...holy crap, she’s so hot.
*Cleopatra makes her way through the house, heading upstairs and soon coming to Leonidas’ room, where he’s pushing a bed up against the wall.*
Cleopatra: Hey there, big boy.
Leonidas: Huh? Oh. Hey, Cleo.
Cleopatra: Very nice place you’ve got set up here. Too bad it isn’t finished.
Leonidas: Not finished? Well, it doesn’t really need much. Might get some exercise equipment, but I don’t really need much else.
Cleopatra: Hmm, I don’t know… I mean...what was that weird hole thing that you kicked that one guy into?
Leonidas: What? The Pit of Death? What about it?
Cleopatra: Oh, yes, that thing. I was just wondering, maybe you could cut a giant hole in your floor in memory of it!
Leonidas: Hmm, I don’t know. I mean...that would be REALLY cool! I might consider it.
Cleopatra: Well, it’s just a thought. You could kick whoever or whatever you wanted out of your room into it and they’d be of no trouble anymore! Just a silly little thought. I’ll be on my way now, bye!
Leonidas: Uhh...bye.
*The scene switches to Cleopatra entering the Epic Winners’ house.*
Eve: And just where have you been?
Cleopatra: Oh, nowhere. Just...out.
(Confessional) Eve: I really don’t trust her.
*The scene switches back to Leonidas’s room, where he’s busy cutting a massive hole in the floor. Mr. T is passing by with a couch.*
Mr. T: Uhhh...Leo, what are you doing?
Leonidas: Cutting a hole in my floor.
Mr. T: Yeah, fool, I can see that. Why, is the question.
Leonidas: Gee, maybe I just thought it’d be a good idea to cut a hole in my floor. Why else?
Mr. T: Is it really a good idea?
Leonidas: Hell yeah! It’s going to look wicked awesome!
*Leonidas finishes cutting through, and the circle he cut out goes crashing down to the room below.*
Justin Bieber (voice): My room!!!
Leonidas: Whoops. Probably should’ve made sure someone was down there first.
*Soon, Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD arrive.*
Nice Peter: Alright, everyone. Please, step outside for a moment.
*Both teams step outside.*
Michael Jordan: We aren’t in trouble, are we?
Muhammad Ali: With your butter fingers, I wouldn’t be surprised.
Michael Jordan: Can it!
EpicLLOYD: Shut up. Anyways, now, it’s been long enough, so we’re now here to judge your houses.
Adam: Judge them?
Master Chief: We weren’t told that they were going to be judged.
Nice Peter: Really? I thought Mr. Rogers told you the rules.
Mr. Rogers: Oopsy! Rogers’ bad!
Adolf Hitler: All he said was “Don’t fucking mess this up, you asswipes.”
Mr. Rogers: Can it, fuckass.
Adolf Hitler: Sorry, sorry!!
Nice Peter: In any case, terrifying children’s host or not, we’re here and ready to judge.
EpicLLOYD: So, let’s see how terribly you all did.
*Both of them step into the houses, the teams just talking amongst themselves.*
Eve: Yeesh, only now am I starting to feel really nervous.
Al Capone: Don’t worry. We have the painter on our team. We’ll do fine.
Cleopatra: And they have the giant hole in their floor, so they are certain to lose.
Eve: ...how would you know whether or not they have one?
Cleopatra: Whether or not I know is not the problem. Keep your nose out of my personal business.
Justin Bieber: Cat fight! Cat fight!
Lady Gaga: Oh, grow up.
Bob Ross: Man, ever since the chemicals were released, we’ve all just been fighting more and more. And most of us weren’t even connected to one another by it! We need to learn to just all calm down and chill. Everything will be alright, brothers.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Yeah. Painter boy is right. Everything is cool. Everything is nice. Everything is-
EpicLLOYD: We’re back and the Massive Failures lose.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Son of a bitch!!
EpicLLOYD: Who thought it would be a great idea to put a giant hole in the floor of one of your rooms?
Leonidas: Uhhh…
Mr. T: Leo did. I watched him do it!
Nice Peter: Well, nice going. Because of your inability to know about interior decorating, both the hole and the lack of anything in the room to begin with, you just cost your team a win.
Al Capone: Hell yeah! You guys here that? We just finally snagged ourselves a win.
Leonidas: I-it wasn’t my fault! It was Cleopatra’s suggestion, not mine!
EpicLLOYD: Sorry, mang, but regardless, you cut the hole in the floor, so it’s your loss.
Leonidas: Fuck…
*The scene transitions to the elimination ceremony, where team Massive Failures is sitting, disappointed.*
Edgar Allan Poe: I knew this would happen today! There’s no way to win with how they play!
Michael Jordan: Eh, we tried.
Muhammad Ali: That’s a rare thing to hear from you.
Nice Peter: So we’ve gotta send one of you home. The good news is, here’s who’s safe:
Poe, Mr. T, Adam.
Adam: Yes!
Nice Peter: Justin Bieber, Miley, Neil, Ali, and Michael.
Michael Jordan: Ali should be gone by now.
Muhammad Ali: Says the man more concerned about his arm than his own team.
Michael Jordan: Hey, this arm is my baby!
Nice Peter: The final 2 is between Leonidas and Lady Gaga. Leonidas, you spent the whole episode “bro-ing” it out, and Lady Gaga, you’re just the other least voted.
Lady Gaga: Lame reason if you ask me.
Leonidas: To be fair, Chief and I are totally cool with each other.
Nice Peter: And the person going home is…
Mr. T: This is too much suspense…
(Confessional) Mr. T: Man, I hope it ain’t Gaga going home, that’s gonna ruin my day…
Nice Peter: …Leonidas.
Edgar Allan Poe: Egads! The other team got to him, it has!
Justin Bieber: What now?
Adam: Actually, I think Master Chief got to him. Like Eve is getting to me…those eyes…
Justin Bieber: Peter, can we send more people home?
Nice Peter: Of course!
Justin Bieber: Really?
Nice Peter: Yeah, now go back to the house you just built, you schmuck.
*The scene cuts to Leonidas being shoved off into the water by an anxious Hulk Hogan*
EpicLLOYD: Well today, we had a rather boring challenge. Who the fuck wants to watch people decorate a house?
Hulk Hogan: Hey, that shit’s a rating machine.
EpicLLOYD: Anywho, we’re down to 16 players, and later 15. Who will be next to float away, who will manage another day? What will happen when Shakespeare comes to play? It will all unravel tomorrow, on Total Drama ERB!
*the scene cuts to later at night with Hulk Hogan, who had pulled a barrel out of the water and is now talking to the person inside it.*
Hulk Hogan: Psst, you.
Voice: Yeah?
Hulk Hogan: We’ve got a job for you, brother.
Voice: Like I’d want to be back.
Hulk Hogan: It’s got decent pay.
Voice: Fine, I’m in…
 
Category:Season 1
Category:Script