Epic Crap Battles of Tokyo

The thirteenth chapter of Total Drama Tokyo, posted on May 25, 2012.
==Story==
"Last time on Total Drama Tokyo, the contestants had a sumo wrestling challenge for the first day of the merge. It was announced that a contestant would return, and sure enough, one did... It was Ari, which made Roz and Tolkien pretty happy, obviously. I think that Kai won the challenge, although nobody really cares about that. Oh, wait, he probably does. Anyhoo, Vivienne got eliminated, but not before a super-cheesy ending with Kai. Who will win? Find out today on Total... Drama... Tokyo!"
The girls are shown in their room of the dorm.
"Soooo, Ari, what's up?" asks Roz. "Having fun?"
"Uh, kind of..." says Ari. "Why do you keep asking me this kind of stuff?"
"I just wanna socialize," says Roz.
"Yeah, whatever... Roz, you're my friend, but you say the weirdest stuff sometimes," says Ari.
"You know who says weirder stuff? Layla," says Roz.
"Ugh, I hate her. She's too spoiled..." says Ari.
Layla is lying on her bed reading "Humans" magazine while Charles is filing her nails.
"Charles, faster, I'm not getting any younger," whines Layla.
"I would appreciate it if you gave me a chance to work at my own pace," says Charles. "You're lucky that I am even doing this in the first place."
"Can it, geezer," snaps Layla.
"I will can it, just because you asked me to," says Charles wisely.
"Hey, where are the other girls?" asks Roz. "I'm lonely. I just have you. Boo-hoo."
"Uh, I think they're trying to stay away from us," says Ari.
"And why would they do that? We're cool..." says Roz. "Riiight?"
"Here, let me see," says Ari.
Ari logs on to her computer and onto the official Total Drama Tokyo site. There is a poll that is titled "Who is the best contestant still in the game?" She clicks "View Results" and sees the results.
"Oh, wow," says Ari. "Why is Puck winning?"
The scene changes to Puck's room. Suzuki is messing around on his computer.
"So, Suzuki, you rigged the site to make it look like I'm winning the poll, even though I only have one vote, from myself?" asks Puck.
"Yes, I did. Where is my video game?" he demands.
"Oh, I don't have a video game, bro. Sorry, chilly," says Puck.
Suzuki storms out of Puck's room.
The scene changes back to Ari and Roz on their computer.
"Puck's winning, and then it has Julian second, with Isabel and Tolky tied for third," says Roz. "I'm second to last, only in front of Layla. What the crap?"
"How many votes do I have?" asks Ari.
"69," says Roz. "Puck has 1,000,000. I don't even think that many people watch this show."
"And what about me?" snaps Layla from the bed.
"You have two," says Roz. "You should step up your A-game."
"Ugh, don't tell me what to do," says Layla.
"I'm willing to bet that the two votes are from her and Charles," whispers Roz. Ari laughs.
"Actually, I voted for Kai," says Charles. "Oh. I shouldn't have said that out loud."
"KAI?!" yells Layla. "Go onto your uPod and change your vote to me. Now."
"I do not have a uPod in my possession," says Charles.
"Well, go out and buy one," yells Layla.
"I don't understand Japanese," says Charles.
"That's why they have RosettaStone!" yells Layla.
"You are impossible," says Charles. "I am going to take a wazz."
"Did you get permission?" snaps Layla.
"No," says Charles. "But I am aging, and my bladder is small."
"Well, hold your wazz until I say you can go!" yells Layla.
"Wow," says Ari. "Is this what you've been going through?"
"Nah, she wasn't on my team," says Roz. "Come with me, we're gonna go into the closet."
"I hate closets!" says Ari, but she is dragged into the closet with Roz.
"We're gonna talk about stuff," says Roz. "Tolky stuff."
"Oh, no..." says Ari. "I suppose it's better than Chappy."
"Do you or do you not like Tolky?" asks Roz. "He totes loves you."
"Yeah, but he's kind of creepy," says Ari. "I know that I kissed him when I was eliminated, but I don't know if I like him or not, it was just an impulse."
"Well, take charge of your feelings, and get Tolky for yourself," says Roz.
"Who do you like?" asks Ari. "We keep talking about my love life, but you won't say anything about yours..."
"I am a lone wolf," says Roz. "I've never dated."
Roz's phone vibrates, and she gets a new text.
"Who's Chaz O'Brien?" asks Ari.
"Oh, just a friend," says Roz. "We tried dating. It didn't work out."
"Why does the text say..." Ari picks up the phone and reads it. "'Miss and love you, babe'?"
"Oh, he thinks we're still dating, he needs to move on, right?" giggles Roz.
"Roz, do you have a secret boyfriend?" asks Ari.
"No..." says Roz suspiciously.
Isabel barges in. "Ooh, is this a cool kids' party?"
"Please get out, Isabel," says Roz. "We're having a conversation."
"Hey, be nice, she's special..." whispers Ari.
Isabel says in the confessional, "Ugh, I just tried to make friends with them, and they shoo me away? How am I supposed to make friends with these people? Maybe, since it's the merge, I don't have to act like a 4-year-old anymore..."
"Hi, Casey, what's up?" asks Isabel, walking to Casey.
"Ugh, get away from me, you dumb sack of potatoes," says Casey angrily.
"What? I'm just trying to make conversation," says Isabel.
"How do you sound so smart right now?" asks Casey. "Is this stupid thing all an act?"
"No, no, no, no, no," says Isabel. "I'm not smart... I'm dumb, and I'm really self-conscious about it. I've been rejected by a bunch of colleges, and I don't even know basic multiplication. I can communicate, though, and the 4-year-old acting thing is basically for sympathy."
"So you're a villain?" gasps Casey.
There is a long pause.
"Did you hear anything I just said? I'm stupid, but not dangerously stupid. Please don't tell anyone, okay?" asks Isabel.
Casey grins evilly. "Oh, I definitely won't tell anyone."
"Yay, thank you!" Isabel hugs Casey happily.
Once Isabel leaves, Casey types out a synopsis of what just happened on her phone and clicks "Send to All Contacts".
Casey says in the confessional, "OMG, I'm actually doing mean things for once! I feel so proud of myself! Wait... If I'm evil, will I get karma? And will Chelsey like me still? Oh, man, I wish I didn't send that message..." She bursts into tears.
The scene changes to the boys' room.
"So, guys, let's rate the remaining girls here, with #1 being the hottest, and #6 being so fugly I wanna throw up," says Julian.
"Wow, that's nice," says a voice. "Don't destroy people's self esteem."
"Estrella, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in the girls' room?" asks Julian.
"Oh, yeah, whoops," says Estrella, and she walks away.
"...What?" says Kai cluelessly.
"Dafuq just happened?" asks Tolkien. "Let's just rate the chicks. None of them are bad looking."
"Especially Ari, right? You know you have a thing for her," winks Puck.
"I'm not afraid to admit that I do. Yes, I do like Ari," says Tolkien.
"Harharharharharharharhar," laughs Puck obnoxiously. "I do love me some Casey, personally."
"And I have Vivienne," says Kai. "I miss her already."
"Don't worry, we can vote you out so you can be with her," says Julian happily. "Jk, dude, we're not that mean."
"What about you, Julian? Do you like Estrella, or not?" asks Kai.
"Me and Estrella are pretty tight, yo. But it's nothing serious. She likes me, she just doesn't admit it," says Julian.
"Hah, sure," says Puck rudely.
"Hey, dude, you're one to talk, Casey doesn't like you," says Julian. "Take a hint."
"Seriously, guys, let's rate the girls," says Tolkien forcefully.
"Why are you so obsessed with rating the girls? We all know that Roz is the hottest," says Kai.
"Kai, you naughty kid, you have a GF," says Julian.
"I would say something like 'we're not exclusive' in this situation, but people would view me as a Kavren copycat, so yeah, whatever," says Kai.
"Casey hottest, then Roz, Ari, Isabel, Layla, Estrella," explains Puck.
"You have crappy taste," says Julian. "Switch Estrella and Casey. She's fugly."
"Estrella is fuglier," fights back Puck.
A loud noise that sounds like mainstream pop radio is then heard from outside.
"I think that's our signal for the challenge," says Tolkien. He races outside happily.
"Little guy just wants to talk to Ari. Can't say I blame him," says Kai.
"Let's go," says Julian.
The other boys gather their stuff, and then they all walk outside after Tolkien.
Chris is outside, grooving to the mainstream pop music on a gigantic boombox.
"Turn that crap off," demands Estrella.
"All right. Wanna know the reason why I'm playing this music?" asks Chris.
"To annoy the crap out of everyone?" asks Layla.
"No, it actually ties in with the challenge!" says Chris. "Which is... Rap battles!"
"How does that have anything to do with mainstream pop or Japan?" asks Ari.
"It doesn't, we like throwing in random challenges in between the Japanese ones," says Chris. "Anyway, no improv, just making stuff up as you go along."
"That is improvising..." says Kai.
"Oh, then, do that," says Chris, and he turns on the stereo, but this time it's a beat. "Epic Rap Battles of Tokyo! Round One! Puck Something-or-other! Versus! Julian Reddick!"
"Julian's last name is Reddick?" giggles Puck immaturely.
"What are you, like five?" snaps Julian.
"BEGIN!" announces Chris.
"Yo, Julian, you think your rhymes are sick. But that ain't true, cause you're just a red dick. Your Afro looks like armpit hair, right on your little head. And you're so darn ugly, I'm surprised that I'm not dead. You think Estrella likes you, but in real life, she does not. It sucks that you keep trying to give her another shot. You might as well get voted out, so there's no point in tryin'. Just surrender now, nub, before you start cryin'," raps Puck.
Some of the other contestants cheer.
"Ooh, Puck, what the $&@%? Your big flabby nose looks like the snout of a duck. You rap like the author, who's really bad at this. You know, I don't think I can come up with a good diss. Peace," raps Julian.
"Eh, good enough," says Chris. "So, audience, WHO WON?"
Half the contestants say "Puck", while the other half says "Julian".
"In the event of a tie, we go alphabetically, which means Julian wins this round!" says Chris.
"Ugh, whatever," whines Puck.
"And I didn't even have a full verse. Sweetness. Next round?" Julian asks.
A van then drives up. A bulky guy with a baseball cap, sunglasses, various necklaces, and surfer dude clothes steps out.
"Yo, Chris. You wanted me to announce, or something?" asks the dude.
"Who are you? I swear, if you're Dolph..." says Chris.
"No, I'm the guy you hired yesterday. Your new intern. Chaz," says the guy.
Ari looks at Roz. Roz looks up, then squeals, "CHAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZ!"
"Oh, yeah, just friends," Ari rolls her eyes.
Roz runs towards Chaz romantically and hugs him.
"Whoa, hey, babe. Didn't know you were competing," says Chaz coolly.
"All right, quit the lovefest, we have to continue the challenge," says Chris.
He looks at Roz and Chaz, who are making out.
"Roz doesn't get invincibility this challenge," says Chris. "Next battle. Chaz, announce."
Chaz looks up from the kissing.
"Oh, whoops. Round two. That one rich snob, versus the stupid blonde one," says Chaz. "Begin."
Him and Roz then resume kissing.
"This is awkward..." whispers Tolkien. Ari nods her head.
"Personally, it turns me on," purrs Puck.
Ari scoots away from Puck slowly.
"Wow, Isabel, you're such a stupid hoe! Everyone thinks you're hot, but I say no! You don't even listen to anything that I say, because you're almost too dumb to live, so hey. Look at me, I'm rich, and Charles does stuff for me, but you just go around saying 'hee-hee-hee'. You're gonna get out soon, so how about now? Just don't even respond to this rap, you cow," raps Layla.
"Uh, that was quite a bit harsh, don't you think?" asks Charles.
"NO," yells Layla. "Isabel, go."
"Ooh, Layla Knee, time to bow down to me! Personally, I enjoy saying 'hee-hee-hee'! You're a lazy old bum, who makes Charles do your work. He secretly hates you and calls you a jerk! I may be stupid, but I know how to rap. So go into your room, and take an endless nap," raps Isabel angrily.
"Wow, sister," says Casey. "You go!""So, uh, who do you all think won?" asks Chaz.
"Isabel," agrees everyone.
"All right, Isabel, you won. Layla, get the #$%& out of here," says Chaz rudely.
"Uh, Chaz, that's not the way to tell the losers that they're losers," says Chris. "This challenge is over. I think that Julian won. He had the best rap."
"That was a short and super lame challenge," says Estrella. "Then again, all challenges are."
"I'm not offended in any way," says Chris. "That's the producers' fault."
"So, guys, head back to your cabins, and vote someone out," says Chaz, in between breaths while making out with Roz.
"Chaz, get out of here..." says Ari.
"Yeah, I don't wanna see another Gidgette," says Tolkien.
Roz stops kissing Chaz. "Tolky, you're just jealous, hehe."
Chaz looks at his watch. "Actually, I should scoot. Mom gets pissed when I'm not at home by 6:30. Bye, folks."
He struts towards his car, gets in, and drives away.
"Who's that guy even supposed to be?" asks Kai dubiously.
"I don't know, but I don't like him," says Tolkien.
"Well, yeah, obvie," says Puck.
"Say, Roz, if you and that guy are just friends, what was that for?" asks Ari.
"Oh, yeah, he had some stuff on his upper lip. I wanted to get it off," explains Roz.
"I'm sorry, but that's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard," laughs Casey.
The contestants all walk to the hotel, while discussing Roz and Chaz.
Inside the hotel, Puck gets a text message.
"Hey, I wonder who it's from..." he says. "Ooh, Casey. She's probably confessing her love for me."
"I got the same text," says Tolkien.
Julian reads it out loud. "isabels actually smarter than she looks and shes playing the 4yrold thing 4 sympathy and shes a villain" he reads.
"Wow, didn't expect that... Wait, how do we know she's not lying?" asks Kai.
"We don't," says Tolkien.
"Well, she's Casey. We can trust her. She's a sexy babe," says Puck.
The camera moves to the girls' room.
"Soooo, Isabel, have you said anything to anyone lately?" asks Layla.
"All the time! Heehee!" says Isabel happily.
"That's not what I mean," grumbles Layla. "What do you know about--" she shows Isabel the exact same text message, "--this?"
"What's that? Is that a Wintendo SD? Ooh, let me play!" says Isabel.
Isabel says in the confessional, "All right, this can't last much longer. Time to come clean."
Isabel sighs. "Truth is, Layla..." She tells her the whole story.
"Why, thank you," says Layla, and she laughs evilly.
Layla grabs Charles' arm, and yanks him away with her.
"Wait, I just told Layla..." says Isabel. "WHYYYY?"
Casey looks at the two.
"Lawlz, my plan's working. Isabel's a villain now!" says Casey nefariously.
"Eh?" asks Estrella, reading a book. "Isabel couldn't hurt a gnat."
"That's what she wants you to think..." says Casey.
"Whatever," says Estrella.
Chris is at the elimination ceremony with the other contestants.
"Soooo, since Julian won the challenge for some reason, he gets the first sushi," says Chris. He tosses Julian his sushi.
"Sweet," says Julian, eating the sushi.
"Layla, Estrella, Tolkien, and little Roz are safe too," says Chris.
The four get their sushi, and they all eat it. Charles tries to take Layla's, but she slaps him.
"Aaand, Ari," says Chris. Ari walks up to Chris and gets her sushi.
"Puck and Kai," says Chris. The two boys get their sushi and fist-bump.
"The last sushi goes to either Casey or Isabel. Both of you have done some stuff that I haven't really paid attention to. Final sushi goes to..."
"Casey."
"What? I thought I was doing well!" says Isabel. "Well, I guess I'll go. Bye, all."
"Wait," says Kai. "Why did you just sound smart all of a sudden?"
"She's a villain who pretends to be stupid to gain sympathy!" yells Casey. Everyone gasps.
"Ignore her," says Layla. "Isabel isn't a villain." Everyone gasps louder.
"What? I thought you hated me," says Isabel.
"Truth is... You're my only friend. I know I was, like, rude to you, but I actually do like you, as messed-up as that may seem. Isabel isn't evil, she's not the smartest person ever, but the acting like a toddler thing was just so she could fool me, I guess. But she's still stupid," says Layla.
"Gee, thanks, Layla," says Isabel. "I'm not sure if I'm happy or depressed. Anyway, see you later."
Isabel heads to the Insert-Vehicle-Here of Losers and drives away.
"Whoa-oh-oh-oh!" says Chris. "Down to the final nine! Who will win? Who will lose? Find out next time on Total... Drama... Tokyo!"