Episode 220: Petula Clark/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 220: Petula Clark.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Petula Clark? Twenty seconds to curtain, Miss Clark.
Petula 	Right. Scooter, I hate to complain, but … there's a moose in my dressing room.
Scooter	Uh, yeah, that's a mistake.
Petula 	Well, I should hope so.
Scooter	You're supposed to get the buffalo.
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show, with our special guest star, Miss Petula Clark!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	Well, it's downhill from here.
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet flies off.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, our special guest tonight is one of the truly great international singing stars, Miss Petula Clark. But first we... (the moose emerges) What is this, a moose?
 	
Moose 	I was supposed to be a buffalo.
Kermit 	Uh, just — just leave, okay?
Moose 	All right. I'll be backstage reading the moosepaper.
Kermit 	(shoos him) Would you get off that stage? Off, off, off! Oops!
 	Fozzie, Link, Robin, Gonzo and Scooter sail in a rowboat and sing as Fozzie rows.
All 	
Our ship is leaving Portsmouth Town.
Her name's the Good Ship Nancy Brown.
Yo-ho!
Link Hogthrob	Jib the boom!
Scooter 	Poop the deck!
Fozzie 	Rattle the hatch!
Gonzo 	Main the sail!
Robin 	Pepper the mints!
 	
All 	Anchors aweigh in the morn!
Link Hogthrob	Well done, me hearties!
Scooter 	Aye aye, cap'n, sir!
Fozzie 	Oh, I'm tired already. Huh.
All 	
Oh, we'll be sailing with the tide.
We've said farewell to our girls and brides.
Yo-ho!
Link Hogthrob	Rig the ratch!
Scooter 	Hoist the hitch!
Fozzie 	Bury the hatchet!
Gonzo 	Poop the deck!
Robin 	Beat the breeze!
All 	Thar she blows in the morn!
 	Tempo change.
Link Hogthrob	
And soon we'll be out on the ocean foam.
So let's heave-ho with a will.
Others 	Heave-ho!
Scooter 	When come jolly tars, let's sing while we can…
Robin 	For soon we'll all be deathly ill.
Link Hogthrob	Sing yo-ho!
Others 	Sing yo-ho!
Scooter 	Sing ho-hi!
Others 	Sing ho-hi!
Fozzie 	Sing hee-hee!
Others 	Sing hee-hee!
Link Hogthrob	Yo-ho!
Others 	Yo-ho!
Scooter 	Ho-hi!
Others 	Ho-hi!
Fozzie 	Hee-hee!
Others 	Hee-hee!
Gonzo 	Ho-ho!
Others 	Ho-ho!
Robin 	Hoo-ha!
All 	Hoo-ha! Ho-ho, ha-ha … (laughing)
 	Tempo change.
All 	
For there's nothing like the life of a sailor,
Sailing on the briny foam.
Scooter 	With a good stout ship beneath your feet …
Fozzie 	And a good stout wife at home! Aaaahhh.
All 	
Oh, there's nothing, nothing, nothing like a sailor's life.
The sailor's life is grand.
Link Hogthrob	Oh, I'd never give up the sea unless…
Fozzie 	… you offered me a job on land!
All 	(laugh)
 	Tempo change.
All 	Singing … yo-ho!
Link Hogthrob	Hit the deck!
Scooter 	Follow the fleet!
Fozzie 	Anchors aweigh!
Gonzo 	Scuttle the butt!
Robin 	Roll the dice!
Fozzie 	Deal the cards!
Scooter 	Pepper the mints!
 	
All 	
(harmonizing) We're sailing away … (sailing away) … 
(sailing away) … (sailing away) … (sailing away)
On the briny sea!
Whoa! …
 	The boat tips over — glub glub.
Waldorf 	Here! Catch!
 	He throws a life preserver.
Statler 	Waste of time. Nothing will save this show.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	The wet mariners pass by Kermit.
Fozzie 	Well, it wasn't my fault.
Kermit 	Okay, nicely sung, guys. Badly sailed, but nicely sung.
Link Hogthrob	Uh, haven't you men heard the old saying, "Women and captains first"?
 	They walk away.
Kermit 	Yeah, okay. Let's see. Pet' Clark is standing by, so...
Moose 	Hiya, frog.
Kermit 	Yes, hello again, moose.
Moose 	Do you mind if I hang out backstage here awhile?
 	
Kermit 	Well, I've got every other kind of animal. Why not a moose?
Moose 	(nods) You got true grit, frog.
Kermit 	Uh, yeah. Uh, by the way, what is your name?
Moose 	Mickey.
Kermit 	How about that? Mickey Moose. (does a take) Mickey Moose?!
Moose 	(laughs)
Kermit 	Will you get out of my backstage? … Mickey Moose. Dumb name.
=="The Boy from Ipanema"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit 	Uh, okay, uh, anyhow, now here she is, our very special guest. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark.
 	
 	Petula sings "The Boy from Ipanema" as one of Bossmen dances by the shore.
Petula 	Bossa nova.
Bossman	Hi, Petula.
 	They dance.
Petula 	We're doing the samba.
Bossman	I'm trying to samba.
 	They dance.
Petula 	Oh, boy.
Bossman	Yeah.
 	Petula repeats the bridge and final verse. The Bossman gives her a drink and makes a large smile.
Petula 	Aww.
 	Applause.
Waldorf	Well, that song brings back memories.
Statler	What memories?
Waldorf	I forgot.
==Chicken western==
	
	The chickens star in a Western drama. At a saloon (bartended by Gonzo), the Black Rooster arrives to cause trouble for sheriff T.R. the Rooster. They engage in a gun duel, but T.R. runs out quickly. The Black Rooster fires one final shot, which ricochets around the saloon before knocking him out with a lamp. The sheriff and his hen ride off into the sunset on a cow.
==Backstage==
 	The chickens pass by Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay. Good going, guys. I didn't understand it, but I loved it.
Petula 	Hello, Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh, hi there, Pet.
Petula 	I hear you're not too happy tonight.
Kermit 	Oh — well, where'd you get that idea?
Petula 	Well, I gather you're not thrilled about the moose, Mickey.
Kermit 	Oh, oh, oh, the moose? Oh, listen, that — that's silly. I'm not bothered by that at all.
Petula 	Really?
Kermit 	No.
Petula 	Oh, terrific.
 	She puts on an antler cap.
Petula 	Hit it, guys.
 	Dr. Teeth, Scooter, Zoot, Fozzie and Rowlf all have antler caps as well. They all sing.
Petula & Muppets	M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-O…
Kermit 	Will you guys cut that out! (scowls)
Petula & Muppets	(laughing)
 	
==At the Dance==
 	Couples dance in a ballroom.
Woodpecker	I'd like to take you home to mother.
Pink bird 	Really, Harold?
Woodpecker	Yeah, maybe she could teach you how to dance.
 	Janice dances with Dr. Teeth, whose arms are extra long.
Janice 	Oh, wow. I rully like being in your arms.
Dr. Teeth 	Yeah, me too.
Man (DG) 	Why is your mother trying to keep us apart?
Woman (LG)	I don't know. I'll ask her. Mother, why are you trying to keep us apart?
 	She's in the middle of them, that's why. Meanwhile, Droop dances with a Merdlidop.
Merdlidop 	I think my nose is too large.
Droop 	Oh, Phyllis, you're blowing it all out of proportion.
 	
 	Her balloon-nose inflates and pops.
Merdlidop 	Merdlidop.
Droop 	Ooop.
==UK spot==
Kermit	Uh... Ladies and gentlemen, Switzerland has given us watches, chocolate and silliness. Uh, we take you now to the Alps for the latter.
 	
 	Open on a Swiss mountain cottage. Fozzie, Gonzo, Miss Mousey, a goat, some dogs and a pig sing "Upidee".
=="Too Shy to Say"==
 	Petula encounters Rowlf playing the piano.
Petula 	Yeah, it's beautiful. You really can play that piano, Rowlf. What's your secret?
Rowlf 	Oh, no secret. I just practice a lot.
Petula 	Uh-huh.
 	He messes up.
Rowlf 	Well, so much for the "practice makes perfect" theory.
 	
 	She fishes a fish out of the piano.
Petula 	And what is this doing in there?
Rowlf 	That's the piano tuna! (chuckles) It should be okay now. (he plays a scale) Hey, nice job, fish. I'll pay you tomorrow.
Petula 	I don't believe it. You pay a fish?
Rowlf 	Yeah, but not much. He works for scale. (chuckles)
Petula 	I think we'd better do our number, Rowlf.
 	She sings "Too Shy to Say" as Rowlf plays.
Statler	That Petula Clark sure can carry a tune.
Waldorf	Ehh, she's gotta do better than that tonight. She's gotta carry the whole show.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit strolls backstage, humming. He runs into the moose.
Moose 	Hi.
Kermit	Uh, hello, yourself.
Moose 	Remember me? Mickey Moose?
Kermit	How can I forget? (frowns)
Moose 	You don't have to get touchy about it.
 	
Duck 	Excuse me. Perchance have you seen a Mickey Moose around?
Kermit	Uh, who wants to know?
 	
Duck 	Uh, Ronald. Ronald Duck.
Moose 	(laughs)
Kermit	Ronald Duck and Mickey Moose? Would you guys get out of here? (shoos them out the door) Come on, out!
Duck 	'Tis a far far better moose and duck you find before you…
Kermit	GET OUT!!
==Veterinarian's Hospital==
 	Piggy plays with electrical prongs, then takes her place at the table.
Announcer 	And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs.
 	An old blue Whatnot lies on the table.
Rowlf 	Hey, nurse, how's this next patient?
Janice 	Not groovy, Dr. Bob. You better hurry, though. He's slipping fast.
Rowlf 	Oh, maybe he's got slipping sickness.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	No, no, he must have something else.
Rowlf 	He better have. Money, for one thing.
 	They all laugh.
Miss Piggy	You mean, you won't operate till you're paid?
Rowlf 	Right. I don't make a cut till I take my cut.
 	They all laugh.
Janice 	Righteous, Dr. Bob — (gasp!) Dr. Bob, the patient is sinking fast.
Rowlf 	He is sinking. I don't understand it.
Miss Piggy	Quick, Dr. Bob.
Rowlf 	Quick what?
Miss Piggy	Quicksand.
 	They all laugh.
Rowlf 	I don't understand that either. (looks into the sinkhole)
 	
Rowlf 	Hey, I can't see a thing down here. Hand me a hypodermic needle.
Janice 	What for?
Rowlf 	Just a shot in the dark.
 	They all laugh. He looks deeper into the sinkhole, and falls down. Piggy peeks inside.
Rowlf 	Oh! Whoa!
Miss Piggy	Dr. Bob! Are you all right?
Janice 	Is he all right?
 	Piggy falls down the sinkhole, screaming.
Janice 	Oh, Miss Piggy!
 	Janice looks down the sinkhole and also falls.
Janice 	Oh, wow. Oh! Oh, wow! What a downer.
Announcer 	So, once again we come to the end of Veterinarian's Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr. Bob say...
 	
Rowlf 	At least I won't have to declare this on my income tax.
Miss Piggy	Why not?
Rowlf 	I got paid under the table. (they all laugh)
Janice 	. Righteous. Righteous, Dr. Bob. Righteous.
Statler 	Oh, I wish they had done that differently.
Waldorf 	How would you want them to do it?
Statler 	Better.
 	They chuckle.
==The Swedish Chef==
 	Open on the Chef, dancing with stalks of cilantro, which he tosses. He picks up a loaf of bread.
Swedish Chef	(sings in mock Swedish) … Børk børk børk!
 	He tosses the loaf.
Swedish Chef	(mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte møüsse. (mock Swedish) ... de chøcølåte …
 	He drizzles it into a bowl.
Swedish Chef	Yüm yüm yüm, de chøcølåte ... (stirs it) gøød, gøød chøcølåte. Ünd nøw, de møüsse.
 	He leads the moose into the kitchen.
Swedish Chef	Møüsse, møüsse. Cøme hëre, de møüsse! (pets it) … de chøcølåte øn de møüsse.
 	200px
 	He spreads it on the moose's snout, humming. Kermit rushes onstage.
Kermit 	Wait a minute, wait a minute! You cannot... Stop. Curtain. Cut!
==Dressing room==
 	Petula, bare-shouldered, swallows a mouthful and puts her cup down when Scooter enters.
Scooter	Hey, Petula?
Petula 	Yes?
Scooter	Have you seen the set for your closing number?
Petula 	No, Scooter, I haven't. What's it like?
Scooter	Oh, it's sensational.
Petula 	Yeah?
Scooter	Yeah. It's a fountain, with real water!
Petula 	Wow.
Scooter	Yeah, and it's fifteen feet high. And it's made of real glass.
Petula 	Glass?
Scooter	Yeah. It's the prettiest thing...
Kermit 	(offscreen) Hey, would you get that moose out of here? Oh — look out!
 	They overhear glass shattering. Petula facepalms.
Scooter	Cancel the fountain.
 	Exit Scooter. Enter Kermit.
 	
Kermit 	Um, um, Miss Clark, there's been a little bit of trouble.
Petula 	Yes, I know. Well, look, it doesn't matter. Look — we can do without the fountain anyway. Those flowers — that lovely big spray of flowers, that'll be perfect.
Kermit 	Oh. Well, about those flowers...
Petula 	Yes?
Kermit 	… uh, the moose ate them.
 	Music swells up.
Petula 	Oh. Well, it doesn't matter. We don't really need that fancy decor. It's the kind of song that will work anywhere. Believe me. It'll be okay.
Kermit 	It will. Really?
 	
 	She sings "Tomorrow". The other Muppets join her.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Okay, well, that's just about the end of the show. But befooore we go, let us have a warm thank you for our special guest star. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Petula Clark! YAAAYY!
 	Applause.
Petula 	Thank you! Thank you. Thank you. I had a fabulous time, Kermit.
Kermit 	Oh, good.
Petula 	Mm. I loved all the acts. I think the Muppets are fabulous and I'm … I'm crazy about the moose.
 	
Moose 	Now, that's my kind of woman.
 	She gives him a kiss.
Kermit 	Okay, we'll see you next time on The Mickey— uh, The Muppet Show!
 	The other Muppets gather as the credits roll.
Statler	All right, frog! We watched the show!
Waldorf	Yeah! Unlock the doors!
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts