Joe Dirt/Transcript

Turn it up.
Dang.
That's what I'm talking about. L.A.!
Radio station ID.
Coming to work. Joe Dirt.
Don't try and church it up, son.
Don't you mean Joe Dirt?
Naming you that, your daddy
must have really hated you.
You're wrong, brother.
I got a good name
for this car: Rusty.
- Shit'll buff out.
- Don't bother.
Drive this piece of crap off a cliff.
Do us all a favor.
This look like a piece of crap
to you?!
You like them spinning tires?
- You suck!
- You do!
Did he hurt you, baby?
People like that security guard
don't really mean what they say.
They just got their own issues.
All's I got to do is keep
being a good person.
No matter what,
good things'll come my way.
Everything will happen for me, as long
as I never have "no" in my heart.
Can't a guy even take a dump
in peace? Psycho.
- Fucking cocksucker.
- Right on.
Things are going to happen for me.
I'm Joe Dirt!
I'm going to the restroom
to take a big Joe.
Don't forget to wipe your dirt.
You boys got something to say?
Why don't you talk in the microphone?
I got a backup mike right here.
Check, one, two. Testing, testing.
They both work and they don't
like no feedback. What's up?
What's going on? Keep it down.
Zander Kelly's on the air.
What's the deal with your haircut?
I'm sorry about the noise, sir.
This ain't no haircut. This is a wig.
A wig... Look at you.
Jesus!
I got somebody I want you to meet.
Come with me.
Come on back.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
This is Zander Kelly.
You're listening to 98.6, KXLA.
All-aberration radio, all the time.
Zander. You got to see this guy.
God almighty! Manna from
inbred heaven. Hey, freak-boy.
It wants its hairstyle back.
Zander, get this: This is a wig.
What are you wearing a wig for? You
doing stunt work for Billy Ray Cyrus?
Freddy, go get "Free Bird"- boy here
an all-access laminate...
...for the show in perpetuity. I'm
wringing this chamois as long as I can.
You are exquisitely pathetic.
What's your name, pal?
Joe Dirt, but if you're just gonna make
fun of me, I'll go back to mopping.
Sit down. Let me take another tact.
Mr. Dirt, what's with the wig?
I was born without the top of my skull.
A little bit of my brains was showing,
grossing everybody out.
So my mom put this wig on me
to cover it up...
...and then the bones grew together...
...and it got all infused and entwined.
I don't mean to get all scientific
or whatever.
Why didn't your mom
change the wig later?
Actually, we got separated
when I was eight. I got lost.
You been on your own
since eight years old?
Pretty much.
It's a long story, actually.
Listen to you.
What's the story here?
"I'm a white-trash idiot. " The end.
Is this where you want to be when Jesus
comes back, making fun of Joe Dirt?
Probably, because I'm sure Yahweh
would be chiming in too.
Funny, because my mom used to say that
if she caught me doing stuff.
Like one time, I was jerking
my gherkin... Can I say that?
She goes, "Is this where you want
to be when Jesus comes back?"
A real winner. It's amazing to me
you turned out like you did...
...with that sort of mentoring.
I can't say don't make fun of me...
...but you shouldn't make fun
of my mom.
Guys, you got to hear this guy
on the Zander show.
You're on your own.
The family's ditched you. What next?
Do you really care? It's actually not
an easy story to tell.
I got four hours a day to fill, man.
It's not often I get a freak
plopped into my lap.
Go ahead. I'm a roast. Baste me.
All right, man.
My parents, my sister and I
all went to the Grand Canyon.
While they checked out the sights
and donkeys and whatnot...
- ... I somehow got separated from them.
- Makes his shot.
Hey, Dad. Look. It's the good stuff.
None of that pussy Skoal. Right, Dad?
Dad?
Mom!
Dad! Mom!
Where are you?!
Dad!
Mom! Where are you?!
You can come out now.
So there I was.
A lot of kids would have been scared
but I was tough about it.
I walked till the cops picked me up...
...and put me into a foster home.
One guy I fostered out to
for about a month.
He'd take me hunting with him
and his dog.
I thought hunting would be,
you know, more fun than it was.
See, boy, he goes off and fetches
the duck. You see how that works?
Fun, huh?
After that, I spent time
with people who worked on a farm.
I learned cows don't find
bottle rockets as funny as I do.
Then there was this old lady
who had me for a couple weeks.
I don't want to be unkind,
but she was a little off-balanced.
Scrub clean before supper.
And that means wash
under your fingernails...
...and back of your ears
and dress in your Sunday best.
I expect your schoolwork done every
night, laid out for my inspection.
- Is that clear?
- Yes, ma'am.
Can I push him off my leg?
He'll stop humping
as soon as he's done.
Well, the year was 1982.
I was 11 years old now, and I'd gotten
in a little trouble here and there...
...so I was in a juvie home
for boys...
...and I was getting ready
to split that scene, and pronto.
Bob Seger?
Be honest, it was Leif Garrett.
It was probably more like this:
No, sir, man. I don't like that crap.
I'm a rocker, through and through.
Here's my favorite bands: ACIDC,
Van Halen, not Van Hagar...
- ... Skynyrd, Def Lepp-
- All right.
Don't make me
call your probey officer.
And riddle me this:
Other than the fact that you dig
looking like Jane Fonda in Klute...
...why don't you cut the wig now?
Well, yeah. I guess I could do that.
Zander just asked this Joe Dirt
why he doesn't cut the wig.
You can tell he's never
thought of that.
Except for the ratty stache
and the pork chops...
...you're pretty clean-shaven for
a kid who lives in a trash can. No?
I don't need to shave because it don't
grow in right here and here.
You're telling me you were
so ingrained with white-trash DNA...
...your facial hair actually grows in
on its own all white-trashy like that?
I don't know what you're saying,
but that's what's going on, yeah.
So back to the story here.
You're on your own...
I'm just camping out or whatever...
...and this goes on for years until
one night, something amazing happened.
Man, a shooting star.
I got to make a wish.
I wish I knew what happened that
one day at that Grand Canyon place.
It's a meteorite!
Whoa, check it out. That's cool.
Oh, man, look at you.
You're probably made of precious
metal, and everyone'll want you.
But you want to be with me! Right on!
You're Joe Meteorite,
and I'm Joe Dirt!
Here on earth,
we call this place the town.
A town is a place where everyone
hates you. Kids try to beat you up.
- Oh, yes. It's so flat.
- Awesome.
This is going to be awesome.
Holy crap, ladies.
Hey, junior dirt bag.
You talking to your rock?
It ain't no rock.
It's a meteor, dum-dum.
Did it land on your barber's head
while he was cutting your hair?
Go practice falling down.
I'll be there in a minute.
You want to fight, you little queer?
Queer?
Is this queer?
These queer? What's up? What's up?
He must be retarded.
Hey, retard, you aren't worth it.
- Come on, let's go.
- Yeah? You are.
I mean, you aren't worth it.
I told them, Meteor.
You have my back. You're cool.
What's that?
Five dollars. That's mine now.
You're my lucky meteor. Right on.
I'll hold your half for you.
Meteor, we call this here being
in burger heaven.
We need to find a home.
We need some stability
in our life, man.
We need to settle down.
Life gets hard, you know.
Come on now.
It's a little bumpy.
Look at that town, Meteor.
That's pretty.
I bet people in a town like that'll
be nice to us.
Let's go down there.
Come on.
No way I'd ever sell you, Meteor.
Not in a million years.
But just for laughs,
let's see how much you're worth.
Well, it ain't a meteor.
It is. It came out of the sky.
I'm sure it did, but it ain't a meteor.
It's a big old frozen chunk of shit.
- What?
- Oh, yeah.
Airplanes dump their toilets 36,000
feet, stuff freezes, falls to earth.
We call them Boeing bombs.
That can't be. That's not what it is.
I'm afraid so.
You see the peanut? Dead giveaway.
Yeah, that's a space peanut.
I'm afraid not.
This is a big old frozen
chunk of poopie.
Dude, you were eating off it.
Oh, God.
Okay. That's too much, too much.
Then what happened?
Well, then I got a dog.
You're saying you'd rather have a dog
than a frozen hunk of crap.
It wasn't really my dog.
It was this girl's dog.
I was living in the woods outside of
that postcard town I said. Silvertown.
I'd come in to steal stuff,
you know, food, whatever.
And then one winter...
Are you okay, boy?
Oh, no, are your nuts
frozen to the porch?
Oh, that sucks.
Don't pull on them.
- Who are you?
- It's okay.
I was just walking by.
Your dog's in a little trouble.
- What's wrong?
- I think his...
You know how when you get your
tongue frozen in a freezer...
...because it's all wet?
I think he got-
- Nuts frozen to the porch?
- Yes, exactly.
Oh, baby. Well, what do we do?
We got to do something...
Do you have something inside?
Don't pull on them.
It's okay. Don't move,
it'll stretch them more. That's bad.
No. That's wrong.
No, that's way wrong.
Do you got like warm water and...
- A fork!
- Yeah. No. What?
A spatula thing. The flat one.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Just give her a second. Dang.
I got it. Now what?
Now here's what we do. I just pour a
little water on here. You hold him.
Easy.
Ain't no flapjack, I'd go easy.
Should loosen it up a little bit...
I don't want to look. I'm sorry.
One, two, three, go.
There. Hey, buddy, you're free!
- Good boy!
- Good job.
You might want to spray this porch
with Pam, so it don't happen again.
What's his name?
Charlie.
And mine's Brandy.
Hi, Brandy. I'm Joe Dirt.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you too.
Get your ass in the kitchen. Fire up
that stove, you got some cooking to do.
Daddy? Can we have my new friend
Joe, over for supper?
Are you nuts, girl? We ain't running
no soup kitchen here, boy.
Scat! Get out of here!
Long-haired hippie freak.
He's mean.
I'll be your friend.
For some reason,
and I have no idea why...
...Brandy always wanted
to hang out with me.
I had Charlie, so that was cool.
For the next couple years, the three
of us was hanging out at the farm.
That was the closest thing
I ever had to a home.
Till one day...
- Oh, Dirt, did I get you?
- No, I'm cool.
No, you're not. Where's Brandy?
She's riding her horse.
She'll be back in a minute.
You guys want to play bumper pool?
No.
How does she put up with you, Dirt?
That's a good question.
She's great though, ain't she?
You know, sometimes it's like...
...she likes me or something.
Dream on, Dirt-boy.
A girl like that's out of your league.
She wants my body.
No, I know, man, that's all...
That's for you. I'm not...
We're friends.
She's out of my league.
Don't ever forget it, Dirt.
Check this out, Robbie.
This is a good month. Dang.
This guy's got a dashmat
for a '69 Nova he wants to sell...
...and a car cover
for any Dodge from '79 to '84.
You don't even have a car.
I know, but that's a deal. They're
usually 80 bucks and this guy wants 40.
Look at this. Charlie, see that?
This guy's selling a Hurst
speed shifter with a pool-ball grip.
One day I'll have a car that bad-ass.
I'll be chirping gears
and pulling brodies, going...
You'll stick your head out the window,
check out chick-dogs, "What's up?"
Boy, I swear, I'll slap you silly.
Tell you what: Why don't you practice
spitting out teeth, because I will-
Come here.
What's up, goat-roper?
Not much, pig-licker.
Watch the gun, baby.
That's how I get the gals.
Come on.
I'll treat you to a Dairy Queen.
Why are you being all nice?
I am always nice to you, Joe Dirt.
Can I come too?
Robbie, I only have enough money
for me and Joe.
Come on, Joe. Let's do it.
- Come on, Charlie.
- Come on, boy!
Oh, God. She is so fine.
One day, I'm gonna marry that girl.
Oh, there you are.
Give me that mutt.
- Take him hunting with me.
- Daddy. You've been drinking.
Shut the hell up.
Just give me the mutt now.
If you take the dog, I'll go with him
because I've been hunting before.
You hunt? I wouldn't even
use you as a retriever.
That's a good one.
Charlie, get in the car.
Charlie, you mangy mutt!
Get in the damn car,
you flea-bitten...
...butt-licking...
...son of a bitch.
Two.
Yeah! What?
Hey, my foot's stuck!
Charlie, come here.
Come here now. Come here, Charlie.
My foot's stuck. See my foot's stuck?
I need your help. I need you
to go find Sheriff Williams.
Now go on. Go get him. Go get help.
Go get him. Run, Charlie.
Run like the wind!
Run!
Run, Charlie.
That stupid dog better
be bringing somebody.
Your dad always hunt this long?
Hey, there's Charlie!
There's my buddy. Where've you been?
There you go, Don.
Take her easy.
Oh, my God!
There's that worthless mutt.
What happened?
It's that goddamn dog's fault!
Now I'm putting him down.
- No, you can't! Don't!
- Guess who came back, Charlie?!
Joe, he's okay now.
He's in dog heaven.
You gave him some great last years.
Sprinkle his ashes.
They'll drift out to sea.
He would have liked that.
I can't do it.
I'm taking him with me.
Taking him with you? But...
...where are you going?
You see that moon?
You don't know how many nights
I spend alone staring at that moon...
...wondering if at that moment, my mom
or my dad was looking at it too.
And for that brief second, we were
together again, kind of. You know?
When I was with Charlie,
I didn't miss that moon so much.
Brandy, I got a hole in my heart.
I don't know how to fix it.
I gotta find out what happened
at the Grand Canyon. I gotta do it.
But what if when you're gone,
some guy asks me to marry him...
...and you're not here?
What's that got to do with me?
We'll always be buddies.
Well, if I get married...
...we might move and...
...you might not know
where to find me.
You are gonna make some guy so happy.
I just hope whoever he is,
he deserves a girl like you.
God, that Brandy has a nice ass.
I got this loser talking about
the moon and walking his dog.
All the time, I'm thinking about
Brandy's well-manicured backyard...
...and those cut-off shorts.
Yeah, she's cool.
So there I was on my own again
looking for my parents.
- But I don't know their last names.
- It's Dirt.
Isn't that the name
on the family crest? Dirt.
No, my last name's Dirt.
My dad made it Dirt, for some reason.
I just put an "e" on it,
pronounce it "Dirt. "
It's no big deal.
It actually sounds pretty cool.
But I don't know their last name...
...and I remember my sister yelling
at my face when I was growing up...
That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt!
That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt!
That's why Dad named you
Joe Dirt instead of...
I couldn't remember my real last name.
- I knew they'd be hard to find.
- So what'd you do?
I needed some money.
I hopped a train out of Silvertown
and headed east for the big city.
Then I got lucky.
I got myself a real important job
in advertising.
Molar World. Walk-ins welcome.
There you go.
Molar World. One for the kid? Sure.
What's up?
Oh, my God!
Competition, orange '67.
This thing's a Hemi!
Ma'am, are you selling this car?
Literally just went onto the market.
Well, how much for it?
What do you got?
Practically nothing.
I'm looking for my parents.
They lost me at the Grand Canyon
more than ten years ago.
All my money goes towards that.
I don't have pictures of them.
You don't even have a picture?
Well, you know, my ex-husband,
before he died...
Oh. I'm sorry.
No. I killed him.
He used to beat me.
So one night I just pushed him
into the wood chipper.
Told the cops he fell.
Good for you.
But he used to be a police
sketch artist. He was damn good too.
Victims gave him the worst descriptions
and he'd draw them like photographs.
He could do anything.
You know? Like age progression and-
That's what I'll do for my parents.
How much that cost?
About 360 bucks.
Then that's what I need to make.
Thank you.
Sorry I can't buy your beautiful Hemi.
Oh, no. You can.
Give me what's in your pocket
and she's yours.
For real?!
You hear that, Charlie?
We got us a Hemi, brother.
That lady gave me a great idea.
Dirt! Storm's coming in!
Get up on that roof
and put some bricks in the tooth!
My tooth!
My tooth!
Back! Go back!
I can see down your shirt!
What an ass!
Hey, boss, I'm going on a break!
Airplane! Help me!
Oh, that's not professional.
I'd floated all the way
to North Dakota.
There I was, scared to death as I
dropped like a stone from the sky.
Go back! Go back!
Then an amazing thing happened.
I landed by an oil rig,
and they was hiring people.
The wage was like a sign from above...
...that I was meant
to find my parents.
Hey, Joe, come on down!
Get the drill!
Yeah, baby. Come on now. Get loose.
Whoops, that's me! I got it!
It's pumping. I'll pay for this!
I'm new!
I'm new! I don't know what to do!
You done with that apple core?
I'm done with that fart. Want that?
Maybe if it came out of Charlene
Tilton's ass, I'd take a bite.
You probably like J.R., you queer.
I saw your bumper sticker:
"Cowboys' butts drive me nuts. "
Is that right? You think
that's queer? Is this queer?
They're larging and charging,
looking for chickies.
You want to back that up?
Want to fight? Why don't you stick
your head up my butt and fight for air?
That's it. You and me. Let's go.
I'd love to beat your ass
up and down this place.
I got to go back to work.
Joe Dirt. You're fired.
Here's your week's pay.
Dang.
What's up here? What's down there?
What's going on, man? Here I come.
Luckily, my neck broke my fall.
I guess you won the battle.
But I won the war.
If you're covered in oil,
don't stand next to a fire.
Now that's day-one stuff.
Keep that Skoal, baby.
That's what I'm talking about.
So I had my 360 bucks. The next day
I would try the police sketch thing.
But something happened to my head.
I spent the night in what I thought
was an abandoned circus tent.
But I guess it was no circus.
I was totally bombed
on insecticide, I think.
So needless to say, I was in no shape
to do any good with my recollections.
The police sketcher
thought I was messing with him...
...because my dad came out
looking like Father Time...
...and my mom came out too butch...
...looking like Richard Ramirez,
the Night Stalker. Remember him?
As my head cleared, I realized
I needed a different approach.
Then I got a brainstorm:
Hire an Indian tracker to help me.
Great idea.
They could find anything.
It's like in the movies.
So I headed for a reservation.
You want me to put my ear to the
ground, listen for hoof beats...
...check for footprints...
...look for broken twigs?
But this is the modern age.
That stuff doesn't work anymore.
Which is why I had to open
this fireworks stand.
I wasn't getting by
on my tracking wages.
Come on. You're supposed to be
good at tracking stuff, man.
I gotta find my parents.
I need a way to sell more fireworks.
I'm going broke with this venture also.
I see you got snakes and sparklers,
but where's the good stuff, man?
Good stuff. This is the
good stuff. Snakes and sparklers.
Are you nuts, dude? You need
stuff that explodes, go boom.
- Why is that good?
- Well...
Well, you might as well
ask why is the tree good?
Why is the sunset good?
Why are boobs good?
Firecrackers. You stick them
in mailboxes, drop them in toilets...
...shove them up a bullfrog's ass.
I'd never do that because
I'm going to be a veterinarian.
There you go.
Someone shoves an M-80 up a bullfrog's
butt, blows him to pieces...
...he comes back to you to fix it.
You win twice, brother. It's good biz.
You're saying you have no black cats,
Roman candles or screaming meemies?
Come on. You don't got no ladyfingers,
buzz bottles, snicker bombs...
...church burners, finger blasters, gut
busters, zippedy-doodas, crap flappers?
No, I don't.
You're gonna stand there,
owning a fireworks stand...
...and say you have
no whistling bungholes...
...spleen splitters, whisker biscuits,
honkey lighters, Hsker Ds and don'ts.
Cherry bombs, nipsy dazers, with
or without the scooter stick...
...or one single
whistling kitty-chaser?
No.
Because snakes and sparklers
are the only ones I like.
That might be your problem.
It's not what you like.
It's the consumer.
Look there. That's happening.
We should get bleachers over here.
People come from miles around
to see this.
Feast your eyes on a feast of smoke.
Oh, dang. It's out.
CNN will turn around and go home now.
I saw a snail over there. He said:
"That thing's slow, it ain't moving
fast, it's boring, dull, I'm yawning. "
- That's a snail watching that.
- There's a snail in the desert?
A spaceship dropped him off. Focus on
the right part of the story, brother.
- And the snail can talk?
- Yeah.
The aliens gave him powers.
They made a voice spot.
Dude, I'm just saying it's dull.
All right? This ain't fun.
Look at that little piece of char.
You need explosions, stuff going on.
No wonder this thing's going under.
You got nothing. It's wussy stuff.
I got these two sticks.
Dang. These are yours? These are
Roman candles! It's good stuff!
This thing full of lighter fluid.
The Roman candle.
Step back a little bit.
That's what I'm talking about!
It's beautiful.
Beautiful? I'm looking for righteously
kick-ass. You know what we need?
Gasoline. Yeah.
Breakfast of champions.
All right, you might want to take
a few extra steps back on this one.
Man. What'd I trip over?
There's something metal
sticking out of the ground.
You okay?
What is this thing, man?
We should take it over to the lab
over in the next town. Los Alamos.
That symbol looks very stern.
That's definitely what we should do.
That's the right thing.
But first...
Yeah, jam that in the gas bucket.
We'll shoot fireballs at it.
We got to step way back.
It'll be fun.
Look at that shit!
Oh, man, we're going to get
so busted. Let's get out of here.
What happened, man?
You tripped over that object
in the ground. You're knocked out.
That thing's an atom bomb, man.
I got an idea.
"Rubbernecker's tour bus... "
"... the Grand Canyon's number one
purveyor of fine bus tours. "
I still don't see why we're going
to their tour bus company.
Don't you see? All the tourists at the
Canyon that day my parents lost me...
...they had cameras.
You can't tell me in all
those pictures they took...
...there won't be some that
accidentally have me and my parents.
The company will have records
of who used the tour that day.
That was more than ten years ago.
Besides, they won't just hand
the records over to us.
We're just an Indian and some guy.
You can't have "no" in your heart.
"No" is not an option, brother.
You're not just an Indian,
you're Kicking Wing.
All right? And one day, you'll
be Kicking Wing, Animal Doctor.
Then you should change your name
to Kicking Ass.
Oh, man! Swerve them potholes.
You know, because of the atom bomb.
One swing and this here ball-peen
hammer will trigger this A-bomb...
...and it'll blow up the whole city,
maybe even half the country.
Now here's what I need.
I need you to give me the records...
...of everybody who toured
the Grand Canyon on them buses...
...June 13, 1979.
I'm not messing around.
I hit it and it goes bang. All right?
Now while I'm up here waiting...
- You.
- Me?
Show me them boobies.
Now even you liked the way
that chick looked. Didn't you?
"Even me?" What's that mean?
Just saying, I'm beginning to doubt
your hetero street credentials.
You never put the moves on Brandy.
Well, she's too beautiful.
She's way too hot for me.
He has no idea that Brandy
even likes him.
- His voice is so sexy.
- I wonder what he looks like.
You're there with an atom bomb.
Could be fat man or little boy.
We'll nail that down later.
Did you get the names you wanted?
Yeah, I did, but by the way,
it was no atom bomb.
Turns out some skateboarder slapped
a Biohazard band sticker...
...on the side of this septic tank
for an RV.
Cops knew it wasn't a bomb right away.
Yeah. Who hasn't seen
that scenario played out?
It's just an old crapper tank, people.
- It's poo!
- Take it away!
Stop it!
- It stinks! Get it out of here!
- Somebody help me! Help me!
Is it done? How much is in there?
I got the poo on me.
You are so pathetic.
They decided not to arrest me.
They said being covered in that
stinky stuff was punishment enough.
Don't you get it?
Stinky stuff is your milieu.
Okay? This is your deal:
You are an underachievement
nexus in the universe.
It'll always be like this, Joey.
But you got to keep going.
I won't quit. That's not an option.
You gotta keep on keeping on. Life's
a garden, dig it, make it work for you.
You never give up, man.
That's my philosophy. You hear that?
What drives me crazy and fascinates me
at the same time...
.. is you are so unrelentingly
upbeat about your plight.
I need more. I'll be honest,
I want to see you in here tomorrow.
I want to hear more
of the saga of Joe Dirt.
All right. Thanks, guys.
All right, Joe.
Yeah, baby.
You're listening
to the Zander Kelly show on KXLA.
All right. Good morning, troops. This
is Zander Kelly, and you, of course...
...are careening headlong into another
hellish day in that tiny existence...
...you laughingly refer to...
...as your life.
I'm here with Joe Dirt.
The tale couldn't be told in one day.
We asked you back today.
The joint looks great, the toilets
are freshly scrubbed...
...the floor is spic-and-span...
Did you use the stuff
with the tiny scrubbing bubbles?
They clean the bowl
so you don't have to!
- No, I didn't.
- Yesterday-
Provide a back-story for the listeners.
You were covered in crap...
...and you're a complete loser.
Have I nailed the pertinent facts?
Let me emphasize to the listeners
those are your words, not mine.
Sorry, Billy Jack.
So now you have a bunch of names...
...of people who might have
a photograph of you and your parents.
Right, a big bunch of names.
So now I got to span the country...
...to find these people to see if
anybody's got a photo from that day.
"Anderson, Anders, Aznoff... "
You mean, all these people were
on them tour buses that day?
It will take forever, man.
But I got to do it.
I wish you luck.
I hope you find
what you're looking for.
Remember that town
you're always talking about.
- Yeah, Silvertown, man.
- Yes, Silvertown.
You make it sound wonderful.
So you've always got Silvertown.
Remember that, Joe Dirt.
You remember to keep on keeping on,
and you'll be a veterinarian.
I believe people get
what they really want.
Especially a cool guy like you,
Kicking Wing. You know what?
You're my first real friend,
outside of Charlie and Brandy.
That's good. Good stuff.
That hug was completely asexual.
He kind of snuck it up on me.
Whatever you gotta tell yourself.
I love you, Joe Dirt!
I hit the road with my names list...
...looking for tourists who might
have photos of my folks.
I hit pay dirt when I got a job
with a traveling carnival.
That's when things
got a little weird.
Dang.
Can I go again? Please?
No. It's time to go home.
I got you. Who's this chick
over here? Is that your girlfriend?
You should see my girlfriend.
You'd shit yourself.
Really? I tell you what:
I'll give you a free spin.
I'll talk to your lady friend.
Good job, sir. Keep them straight.
Good strategy.
The carnival worker life
keeps me free and untethered.
That's why I was attracted to you.
I could tell you were an outlaw.
Is that right? I'm kind of
an outlaw through and through, baby.
- Damn!
- Good toss there, sir. Good one.
You know, society's got
no hold on this outlaw.
- Damn it!
- All right. Real close.
I'm like a bird. Actually more
like a hard-ass pterodactyl.
This is bullshit!
God forbid you don't win after
throwing only two quarters, man.
It's a business. It ain't UNICEF.
I got a good mind to take my outlaw...
Yeah, you better walk away, hard-ass.
- Some people. Right?
- I know.
So later on today I'll pick up
my Hemi Roadrunner.
That's right. I said Hemi.
A Hemi.
Balls to the wall.
I left it here. Friend's house.
Got towed two years ago.
But I'll pick it up this afternoon.
I might need a pretty little lady
to sit on the front seat with me...
...while I break her in.
The car, I mean.
What do you say?
That's a big ten-four.
I got a big date tonight.
I'm here to pick up my ride.
License and registration.
Yes, sir.
She'll freak out
when she sees my wheels.
Total impound fees come to $3496.
Plus 35 bucks for the tow.
for the whole car!
- Interesting. Want it or not?
- Well, yeah, but...
...I think all I got's like 450 bucks.
This is a business, not a charity.
Maybe one day UNICEF will get
into the impound business...
...but until then,
we're the people to see.
I tell you what I could do. I could
sell you a car for 450 bucks, but...
...it won't be no Hemi.
I thought you had a Hemi.
Yeah, I had to have
a footprint gas pedal installed.
So I stole this pile.
My outlaw.
That's right. Let's go.
So I had fun tonight.
Even though you took me to
the carnival that I was already at.
I had fun too. Hey, listen.
Can I ask you a question?
If I told you you had a beautiful body,
would you hold it against me?
Sure would. Want to go to my place?
Sure do.
All right, so finish your story.
Why do you live with foster parents?
Because when I was nine
or ten years old...
...my parents pulled over to look
at the big dinosaur in California.
The next thing I knew, they're gone.
Wait a minute.
Did you have a brother?
I did. So, you want
to go back in the house?
We can have sex.
She's your sister, dude! She's
gotta be! You made out with her!
What's wrong with you, you pervert?!
I didn't know she was my sister when
I kissed her, so it's not my fault.
And she's one of the hottest girls
on the planet.
You just said your sister's hot! What
a freak! You're going to hell, man!
I gotta tell her what happened,
why I got weird.
And for God's sakes,
I gotta treat her like a sister.
We've got questions coming in from...
The phones are going nuts.
That was a bombshell.
Wait, man. I found out later...
...she wasn't my sister.
Thank God!
Thank God, dude.
That was gonna be a little much.
So I did a real bad thing there
because...
...I think you're my sister.
Is that all? No.
My family's last name is Buckwalter.
My brother's name is Cletus.
So you see, we're not related.
We can have sex again.
Joe, what's the matter?
Don't I turn you on?
I don't know what the problem is.
Would it help if you went back
to thinking I'm your sister?
Like I'm some
sort of white-trash perv?!
I'm your sister. I'm your sister.
Oh, you're my sister!
I'm kidding.
I just made that last part up
for laughs, you guys.
Let's break it off for today. Haul
your mangy ass in here tomorrow...
...and we will continue the fascinating
saga that I'm now referring to as...
...the legend of Dirty Joe.
Hi, this is Brandy. I'm not here
right now. Please leave a message.
Hey, Brandy, it's Joe.
I'm out in L.A.
They got me on the radio station
telling my story to everybody.
I didn't get to the sad part yet.
I'm guessing you had reasons
for doing what you did.
And I guess I'm just calling
to say goodbye.
I miss you, Brandy.
You're listening to the
Zander Kelly show on KXLA.
Good morning, L.A. Zander here. We're
sitting with the king of dirt-balls...
...Mr. Joe Dirt. You know,
last night I went home...
...rented Andromeda Strain just so
I could simulate immersion...
...into that bacteriologically unsound
world you call your day-to-day life.
I know where you live.
I've got you in my crosshairs now.
We're gonna go back to your story.
Pick it up.
Now what really happened was...
...I had a car now, so I left to go
running down the names on my list...
...looking for people who took
those photos at the Grand Canyon.
Somewhere in Indiana, I hit a snag.
I found a guy who had pictures,
but he turned out to be a freak.
I guess this is the place.
Buffalo Bob's kind of a weird name.
But people say Joe Dirt's
a weird name. And how cool am I?
Excuse me, sir?
Hey, there, young fella.
I'm looking for Buffalo Bob.
Real name's Tim. How can I help you?
I want to talk to you about the time
you went to the Grand Canyon.
Why don't you come inside?
- What did you say your name was?
- Joe Dirt.
Joe Dirt.
It puts the lotion on. You have no
idea what kind of hell I can bring you!
Oh, all right! Enough,
you broken record! Okay!
I've been here two weeks.
What do you want?
It put the lotion on its skin. Now!
Well, say it, don't spray it,
brother. Dang.
- I need a towel now.
- It does what it's told!
There, look, I'm putting the lotion
on the skin. I'm rubbing it in.
To tell you the truth, brother,
between you and me...
...that thing with the dog
is coming off a little fruity.
That's just me talking.
Where's my supplies? Come on.
I thought we had a deal.
Oh, for Christ's sake! Here!
Yee! Auto Trader Ooh, August.
I don't got this one.
There are some deals in here.
Oh, check this out.
"'71 'Cuda, plum crazy purple. "
This guy wants fourteen grand.
What?! I give him $7500. I used to
have one of these. This guy's crazy.
We have the place surrounded.
Come out with your hands in the air.
Hey, a little help?
- Get him!
- Man in a hole.
- Down here.
- Stay on your back.
I hear people.
It puts the Joe Dirt in the hole.
He was gonna flay you alive...
...and use your skin to cover himself
like a Joe Dirt trench coat.
That's gross, man. I think these
are pictures from the Grand Canyon.
He's taken hundreds of photos over
the years, looking for skin he liked.
He wanted to wear skin with the wiener
tucked under, kind of like a woman.
That's sick, man.
I think that's little me
in a garbage can.
No way! And that's my dad and my mom.
And this is our car. And it's got...
...Louisiana plates.
Hell, yeah! I'm going to Louisiana!
So I cruised down to New Orleans...
...and found a base of operations
for my search at a local grade school.
I was going to be a janitor.
Mostly mopping. Once in a while,
you got a problem with the boiler.
You have to hit it with a hammer.
But it's a good job.
Yeah, it's all right.
I appreciate this job, man.
This'll be a good base for me
while I look for my parents.
I got a picture of them.
I don't recognize them.
If you find them, you'll tell them
what happened to you?
That Buffalo Bob thing?
There's not much to tell.
I heard some things.
It's not good. He's a bad guy.
What exactly did you hear?
The past is past. The future's now.
That's true. Amen to that.
Are you from around here?
Your accent sounds like New York.
No. From here.
Born and raised, though not here.
Over in Kansas.
Is this your wife?
Ex-wife.
She was shot six times.
New York City. I mean Kansas.
She was something. Her eyes
were something azure, you know?
Honey-blonde hair. Her body.
Her legs went on for days.
If she was here right now, maybe we'd
have a house with a little fence...
...up in Silvertown,
that place you talk about.
That's a nice place.
You really loved her.
I miss her.
Clem, a kid puked in the cafeteria
again. We need a cleanup right away.
I'm on it.
That's you.
- I'm Joe. Where's the throw up?
- Over there.
I'll clean it up lickety-split.
Speaking of lickety-split, let's
meet up later, see what's going on.
I'm kidding.
But seriously, let's hook up.
I'm new in town, kind of lonely,
looking for my parents.
The puke pile's right over there.
It's a pretty big pile of puke.
So clean the puke. Okay.
Well, well. Lookie here.
Corn off the cob.
This kid should get his money back.
- The janitor's going to eat the puke.
- They're hilarious, huh?
I won't. I'm a vegetarian
and looks like there's some meat.
I like kids. They seem to like-
They seem to like me.
I'll try the old reverse psychology.
I like getting hit with hot dogs.
It don't bother me.
Guess I'm lucky it wasn't
hot chili day today.
Okay, class.
Let's hear these results.
If my calculations are correct,
this will create ice.
Killer mustard gas!
What'd you say?
You're talking to me all wrong.
It's the wrong tone.
Do it again, I'll stab you in the face
with a soldering iron.
Is that right?
Let me ask you something.
Does your mother sew?
Get her to sew that!
You'd think the stupid punks
could think of something funnier than:
"Don't eat it! Here's a hot dog. "
What's going on, man?
Did you kick their asses?
- He saved us from the mustard gas.
- You saved our lives, Clem.
Not me.
That's the guy!
You're the one that carried us out.
Shut up, you hard-on.
That's the guy! That's the hero.
All right. Well, then,
thank God for Joe Dirt.
- Oh, no, man. It wasn't me.
- That's Joe Dirt!
Joe Dirt! Joe Dirt!
Come on, Joe Dirt!
How does it feel to be a hero, Joe?
Well, it's like this...
Probably feels pretty good.
Especially after that brutal
run-in with Buffalo Bob.
I don't know why you ask me.
Nothing happened.
That's not what I heard.
What's the deal with your haircut?
It's a wig. I was born
without the top of my skull.
Everybody, I'm looking for my parents.
Here's a picture of them. It's taken
If anybody has any information
on their whereabouts...
...please call this number.
You might get a machine, but if
a girl answers, her name is Brandy.
Give her your info.
I appreciate any help I can get.
That being said,
here's the real scoop.
I ain't the guy that saved them kids.
I'm sorry, man.
Here's the real hero.
His name is Clem Doore, from Josette,
Louisiana. He's a friend of mine.
Oh, no.
He's your real hero, people, not me.
Let's go. Come on, come on.
Move it, move it.
Move your asses. Okay, this is
where that rat-bastard lives.
You two shoot him low, you high.
I'll shoot him
right through his heart.
That's it. Come on, let's move it.
Kick it in! Kick it in!
What happened here?
- Don't I know you?
- What's going on?
Wait a minute.
You're that guy that had that
run-in with that psycho. Buffalo Bob.
Yeah. It was really no big deal.
No big deal! That's not what I heard.
Is Clem all right?
No, he's dead.
He's dead? What happened?
Your buddy Clem's real name
was Anthony Benedetti.
He was a former boss
of the Cameleri crime family.
He was in town here on the
Federal Witness Relocation program.
He turned informer when
the syndicate executed his wife.
His old cronies must have
somehow found he was here...
...and they came and killed him.
He killed all of them too.
It's a big mess.
Oh, my God, man. This is my fault.
Be cool, let me talk to him
for a second? He's a friend of mine.
- This is my fault.
- Go ahead.
I didn't know you didn't
want to be on TV.
I just tried to get the word out
about my parents. I'm so sorry.
Maybe you'll find your wife in heaven.
She'll be just how you remembered her.
Them big doe eyes.
That soft honey-blonde hair.
Smooth tan skin.
Huge, pert rack.
Long legs going up that tight butt.
Clem, you asshole, are you alive?
They're pretending I'm dead,
so's they can move me.
I just didn't know you were in
this Witness Protection thing.
I never would have said
your name on TV, man.
I found it was time to move on anyway.
You know, maybe...
...find a better town.
There's something you
should think about.
I was thinking about that car.
The Rambler Wagon. That's a rare car.
People would remember
selling a car like that.
Where's that dead guy?
Wait. Joe, wait.
Take care, Joe Dirt.
Watch my hair.
Yep, those came with a 6-cylinder
Sleek-looking, weren't they?
For sure, man. How many?
That's what I'm trying to call up.
Let's see. In Louisiana...
...1968, we sold...
Doggy! 73 of those little buggers.
You tell me your daddy's name,
I'll tell you where he bought it.
I don't know his name.
That's what I'm trying to find out.
Well, then. The best I can do
is give you a printout...
...of all 73 people
who bought the car.
Later, if you come up with their
last name, you can go on from there.
I'm only doing all of this because
I heard that Buffalo Bob guy...
...shoved a road flare
up your bunghole.
What?
Hoorah.
I keep hearing about him. Nothing
happened with him. Nothing weird.
Anyway, that list had names
from all over the state.
But I was flat broke.
No money for gas.
So I found a job, and that led
to the biggest break in my case yet.
I don't know, Joe.
The way you describe that town
out in the northwest, Silvertown...
Hell, I have half a mind
to move there myself.
- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure, honey. Shoot.
Your mom and dad still alive?
No.
Did they die?
One night...
...they got swallowed up by
the biggest gator we ever had.
Before they died...
...they killed that gator from
the inside by punching out his heart.
That's brutal.
The brutal part, later that night,
I took my mama's hedge clippers...
...and cut open that gator
and pulled my folks out of its belly.
I couldn't stand the thought of my
parents turning into alligator shit.
God, I hate these nasty things!
If I met the right man...
...I mean, hell, I'd just...
...shut this old gator farm
down and...
But you know, you probably don't want
to hear all my problems, huh?
The gator show's about to start.
I better go. It's showtime.
There's three things to remember
when dealing with a deadly alligator.
And they are deadly.
Don't kid yourself.
Rule number one: I'm number one.
You hear that?
I like to kid around. Rule two, the
croc's number two. Before we begin-
What's rule three?
What's that?
Kid, give me a break, now.
Don't know rule three?
You want a match? My face
and your ass. How about that, friend?
I mean, your ass and my face.
Here we go.
I'm a bit of a crocophile,
so don't try this at home.
Don't worry.
This here is Rocky.
And he ain't no puppy.
Let's see if Rocky's
got some cavities.
This mo-fo knows not to mess...
...with Sir Joseph Dirt.
You didn't listen to me!
Come on, now! Rocky!
Oh, when bad pets go bad. Dang!
Are you all right?
It's like the cartoons.
I'm seeing all tweet-tweet.
Joe, what can I do for you?
You're not making any sense.
Not making...
Not making...
That's why Dad named you Joe Dirt
instead of Nunamaker!
Nunamaker.
Nunamaker.
That's what my sister said
on the way to Grand Canyon.
My last name is Dirt.
Her last name is Nunamaker.
That's my parents' last name.
I checked my list of Rambler Wagons,
and there it was, Nunamaker...
...Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
I was finally home.
Sir?
Mister. You know the people
that live here? Nunamaker?
They moved.
What's that?
Moved! They moved.
About fifteen year ago.
Had a little boy...
...has that same haircut you got.
Goddamn, you out-of-date, boy.
Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me.
My parents were... This was my home.
I thought this was it this time.
No. Home is where you make it.
You like to see homos naked?
Home is where you make it.
You like to see homos naked.
That's cool.
No, no, no, no, no.
Home is where you make it.
Home, where you make it.
Everybody know that. Goddamn, boy.
Guy likes to see homos naked.
That don't help me.
So there I was, right back where
I started all those years ago...
...and no closer
to finding my parents.
I think a little part of me
died right there.
But you know that saying,
"Things get the darkest before dawn?"
I thought I had broken my ass-bone,
so I tried not to move.
I lay there, staring at the moon...
...and for the first time in my life,
I think about not getting back up.
Maybe I'll just lie there
for the rest of my life.
But then, suddenly,
while staring up at the moon...
...I had this strange feeling
that exact moment...
...Brandy was staring at
that same moon. And we were together.
Just then, all the tumblers
fell into place.
This door opened in my head.
All at once, I understood everything.
You have to find the real answer
inside yourself.
And the answer for me was
that I had a home all along...
...with a friend who really
cared about me, Brandy.
I missed her like crazy,
and I decided...
...it was time to go home.
My search was over.
Wish I hadn't gotten a machine.
It's me, Joe.
I got some crazy stuff to tell you.
But the most important part is,
I'm coming back to Silvertown.
I can't wait to see you
and tell you everything. Brandy...
Message deleted.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
What's crappening?
Don't get smart with me,
you motherless dirt bag.
You been here long enough.
I'm here to see Brandy.
Brandy? My Brandy?
You haven't heard?
Me and her are getting married.
Besides, she don't want
to see you anyway.
- I don't believe that.
- It's true.
She found your stupid parents.
- What?
- She found them in California.
But she didn't want to tell you,
because she wants you gone...
...out on the road, looking
for nothing, so you won't be here.
She's sick of all your crap.
She's sick of helping you.
And she's just plain sick of you.
She wouldn't do that. I know Brandy.
She'd tell me about my parents.
I don't care how sick of me she is.
Check out this note she left me.
In case you called and I answered.
"Dear Robbie...
...if Joe calls, don't tell him...
...I found his parents.
I'll be back in a few days. "
See, she signed it
right there. "Brandy. "
"X-O-X-O."
That's right, Dirt.
Nobody wants you in this town.
Nobody wants you around, period!
Look at him, fellas.
You crying, boy? Maybe we'll go
back down to McDonald's...
...and get you a whamburger
and French cries!
How about a Whineken!
You little sissy boy!
Def Leppard sucks!
For the record, I wasn't crying.
There was dirt in my eyes.
Joey, it's not cutting it, man.
It's jive.
- Everything I just said is true.
- No.
Brandy. Brandy is jive.
I want to get her on the phone now.
I want to track her down and ask her
why she was playing games with you.
No, you don't need to bother her.
Get line 3 on speaker.
I'm fine. Everything is cool. I got
a place in Malibu, lots of friends.
I do worry about you.
Because you're living
in a boiler room, Joe.
I got a couple places.
You know what, Joey? I think you...
I can't believe I'm saying-
I think we need some resolution here.
We need a little closure.
I want to ask her, "What the hell
was going on back then?"
Did she find your parents?
And if she did,
why couldn't she have called you?
Well, well, well. The famous Brandy.
Tokyo rose of the trailer park.
Brandy, I'm sitting here
with a friend of yours.
A little white-trash treasure
that you might know as Joe Dirt.
Ring a bell?
- Joe?
- Yeah, Joe.
I don't think he wants to talk
to you, Brandy. You know why?
Because the last few days, my listeners
and I have heard an amazing story.
When he first started this story,
I thought of you as a good person...
...but the more it went down the road,
I'm not sure you are a good person.
Why didn't you tell him
you'd found his parents?
Oh, my God. How did he find out?
The letter Robbie showed Joe
is true? You wrote that?
Yes. I wrote that letter because
I wanted to tell Joe in person.
Months went by,
and he never came home.
Joe, I did find
where your parents were.
Joe, brace yourself for this.
Your parents are dead, Joe.
They died that day
at the Grand Canyon.
Their car was hit by
a passing truck, a hit and run.
I'm so sorry.
But your search is over.
Come home, Joe.
So I can take care of you.
Oh, man.
I've got to go.
Sure.
All right. We'll take a break.
He's Joe Dirt!
You rule, Joe! You rule!
Joe Dirt, Joe Dirt...
The phenomenon of Joe Dirt
has captured the city's imagination.
The little man, the ordinary person
who endured enormous adversity...
...and all the while maintained
his positive outlook on life...
...teaching us along the way...
"... You can't have
'no' in your heart... "
...and "Life's a garden. Dig it. "
Mr. Dirt is seen here meeting one of
his long-time idols, Eddie Money.
And welcome back to TRL. We are here
with America's sweetheart, Joe Dirt.
Joe, come back over here.
We have a show to do here.
People forget we're live.
You like the window, don't you?
Before we wrap this up,
anything else you want to say?
Thanks to the people that stop me
and tell me my story helped them.
Your story is really cool, like a
Behind the Music without the music.
Are you depressed? Your parents, who
you'd looked for all along were dead.
Was the last decade a complete waste?
No one's really put it like that,
but I don't think so.
I've had good times, met cool people,
cruised around, cranked some tunes.
What about Brandy?
Any chance you'll hook back up?
She's a good friend of mine and she's
off doing her own thing right now...
...but I've always said she's
a little too hot for old Joe Dirt.
I agree.
So does America, in our latest
"Is Brandy too hot for Joe Dirt?" poll.
Even worse, four percent
said the dog was too hot for you.
I'm just kidding.
You're on TRL California, Joe Dirt.
Hello, California.
Hey, wait...
Am I on? I'm on?!
Hey, baby, I'm on! Yeah.
Hey, Carson, how big is your Johnny?
- Happy hour started a little early.
- A little drinky-drinky.
The reason I'm really calling
is Joe Dirt's parents ain't dead.
I'm looking at his father
right now and I'm his mama.
Ma'am, you should never
drink the bong water.
Yeah. Listen to him.
Carson, this where you want to be
when Jesus comes back? Making fun-
- Sorry, Joe.
- Wait. Where's that call coming from?
California.
I got to go.
So Carson helped me trace the call.
And it led me to this old trailer park
in Simi Valley, California.
That's our old car!
Joe, can I have an exclusive?
Your parents are alive after all?
Joe, how are you feeling?
Mom, Dad, is that you?
Our baby's home.
We tried so hard to find him.
We looked high and low.
I got some pictures here. Look.
Here is a picture of Joe when he
was a baby. You get it? Yeah, baby.
You were a cute baby.
That's why we were crazy when we lost
him. He's here and now he's gone.
Where'd he go? Where did he go?
- They get it? Where'd he go?
- I was at the Canyon.
Yeah. You know what? It was right
by the garbage can where you left me.
Is that where you were?
Well, I'll be dipped.
The one place we didn't look.
I knew you looked for me.
I told everybody you would.
Was there ever a time
you'd look at the moon...
...and hoped maybe
I was looking at it too?
I've been doing this clown thing.
Can everybody get a shot of these?
Do you see these clown figurines?
Whenever I used to get sad,
I'd just look at a clown.
- I just can't stop grinning.
- They're available for purchase.
We're starting this
clown dot-com kind of a thing.
I don't mean to interrupt
your clown pitch there, but...
But how exactly do you not go back
to the place where you saw me?
Hey, how exactly is a rainbow made?
How exactly does the sun set?
How exactly does the posi-trac
rear end on a Plymouth work?
- It just does.
- It just does.
I'm not talking about posi-trac,
I'm talking about me.
How long did you look for me
before you gave up?
How long were you riding in that car
before you realized I wasn't in it?
All right. We didn't lose him.
We just left him.
So what? The dude's doing fine!
Look at him!
How could you do that to me? I was
only eight, just a little kid.
Any idea what it's like to be a kid
and have nobody around to talk to...
...no one that cares
if you're alive or dead?
Every day you think you're worthless
and there's a void in your life.
- Come on, honey.
- Lighten up.
Lose that frown.
When you're down, stare at a clown.
Sit down, sit down.
You're blocking the cameras!
I don't care about that!
I don't care about you!
And I don't want to see you
for another 25 years.
I wish he'd never found us.
Look what he did to my children.
- Hey, you're grounded!
- Hey, TV people!
Wait, don't go away! You don't have
to follow just because he's going!
Somebody do something.
Joe, just turn around and come down.
It's not worth it, Joe.
We are here at Wallace Bridge...
...where local celebrity Joe Dirt
is threatening to kill himself.
Come on, Joe.
Remember what you said on the show?
"Life's a garden. Dig it. "
You got to get down from there.
You don't want to do this.
Why not, man? I got nothing.
I been looking forever
for those people...
...and everyone lies to me, man.
I'm worthless.
Sorry, lady.
You can't cut through here.
It's me, Brandy!
Brandy? Like the Brandy?
Why didn't you say so? Come on.
- Hey, everybody, Brandy's here!
- Hey, it's Brandy!
Look, over there! It's her, Dirt!
I'm here, Joe.
You told me my parents were dead,
and I saw them.
They're horrible. Why did you lie?
They saw the news when you saved those
kids. They thought you got a reward.
So you did see them first.
So it's just like Robbie said.
Yes, but once I met them,
I knew I had to protect you from them.
They're bad people.
You're not like them, Joe.
They didn't leave you. You left them.
You've gotta see that.
Joe, if you'd stayed with them...
...you wouldn't be
as wonderful as you are.
But Robbie said
you don't want me around.
He said you were always
laughing at me behind my back.
Why would Robbie say such a thing?
Of course that's not true.
I love you, Joe. With all my heart.
I want to get married
and have little Joe Dirts.
Come home, Joe.
You had a home all along.
You just couldn't see it.
You really love me?
I roped him with a bungee cord!
Oh, man.
I just had the weirdest dream.
You were in it. And so were you.
Oh, my God. Brandy, I'm home?
Clem, Charlene, Kicking Wing?
It's not Clem anymore.
It's Gert B. Frobe.
Witness Protection relocated me.
I asked for Silvertown, after what you
said about it. It's wonderful here.
Hello, Joe Dirt.
You taught me to sell the good stuff.
Now I have 30 fireworks stands...
...which completely fund
my animal shelters.
It's all because of you, Joe.
Good job, brother.
I sold the gator farm after one of
them snapped off some of my fingers.
I came up here to check up on you...
...and I met Gert B. Frobe.
It's a good thing that gator
didn't get my ring finger...
...because Gert's asked me
to marry him!
Right on.
When you were in the hospital
for your head injury...
...I had the doctor surgically put on
a wig a little more contemporary.
Dang. That's cool.
And Joe...
- ... we have a big surprise for you.
- What's up?
My Hemi!
You got it out of hock for me?
- Somebody else wants to get in here.
- Who's that?
Come on, boy! Come on!
Looks like Charlie.
Apparently, back in the day...
...Charlie had a little sexual
encounter with this one's ma.
Say hello to Charlie Two.
Good boy.
You got a big family now, Joe Dirt.
You better be good to us.
Oh, I will.
Hey, Dirt. I thought I told you,
buddy. Nobody wants you around.
You're talking all wrong.
It's the wrong tone.
Do it again, I'll stab you
in the face with a soldering iron.
- You're his dad?
- What if I am?
What if we're his family?
At least my car'll
blow his off the road.
You think you can match that little
slant 6 of yours against his 426 Hemi?
Then let's do it, little boy!
That's my girl.
- Let's ride, Dirt-boy.
- Let's go!
Now it's time for the good stuff.
Yeah! Light her up!
This next song goes out to our
good friend, Joe Dirt, the Dirt-man.
Wherever you are,
this is for you, buddy.
Welcome home, Joe.
Welcome home.
Right now it is...
Category:Transcripts
Category:Columbia Pictures Transcripts