First Day on the Job

First Day on the Job is an episode from Season 1 of I'll Teach You!. In this episode, SpongeBob, Patrick, and Mr Krabs all must assign their class their first assignment - a report on what they did over their summer vacation. This episode was written by Primitive Star and first aired on September 1st 2023.
== Characters ==
SpongeBob SquarePants
Patrick Star
Squidward Tentacles
Squilliam Fancyson
Vice-Principal Powell
Ellie
Randall
The Lunchladies (Terry, Jenny, Lydia, Freya, Sarah)
Lewis
Great-Uncle SquarePants
Candice
Amy
Patrick Jr.
James
Phineas Flynn
Ferb Fletcher
Bowling For Soup
Sammy
Ethan
Joe
Tyler
Lizzy
== Transcript ==
[The episode begins. SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward are walking in the school hall]
SpongeBob: I can't believe all three of us got jobs here as teachers!
Patrick: Yeah! And Squidward ended up getting his job as a lunchlady.
Squidward: I'm not a lunchlady, I'm a cafeteria worker!
Patrick: OK, Lunchlady Squidward.
Squidward: Hey! Stop making fun of me! I've checked, there's already a male cafeteria worker here, his name's Terry, I looked it up on the school's website. Now excuse me, I've got to work at the cafeteria.
Patrick: Anyway we need to meet up with Principal Fancyson.
[Bubble transition to Principal Fancyson's office, where all the schools teachers are]
Squilliam: So, to start things off, we have four new members of staff! Firstly, Leon Frost, our music teacher. And our three other new teachers:
[Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are both drooling, and Mr Krabs]
Squilliam: ...What the hell? The crab looks decent, I guess, but what's with the cheese guy and the pink guy?
Vice-Principal Powell: They're the teachers you get when you pay only $18,000 a year, sir.
Squilliam: Well, I guess... Send them to their classrooms.
[Bubble transition to Patrick, who is entering his classroom]
Patrick: Hey class! My name is Mr... Oh, Crap!
Ellie: Hi Mr O'Crap!
Patrick: Patrick Jr? What the hell are you doing here?
Patrick Jr: Um... This is my classroom?
Patrick: Well... Nevermind. Good morning class. My name is Mr Star.
Randall: But you said your name was Mr O'Crap!
Patrick: That wasn't my name! Anyway, your first task today is to... [Checks computer for the plan the principal set] To write an essay saying what you did over the school holidays?? What a big fat waste of everyone's time!
[Cut to the class staring blankly at Patrick]
Patrick: Well, get to work, I guess.
[Bubble transition to Squidward, who is working at the cafeteria]
Squidward: Hey, it's your new co-worker! Hey, it's all women! Where's Terry? I was told there was a man named Terry here.
Lunchlady Terry: I'm Terry.
Squidward: ... But you're a girl.
Lunchlady Terry: .... yes.
[Beat]
Squidward: HEY NO FAIR!!! I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BOY!!!! TERRY IS A BOY'S NAME!!!!!
Lunchlady Terry: It's not a boy's name, it's a unisex name.
Lunchlady Jenny: Hee hee, "sex".
Squidward: IT'S... I... [sigh] You know, on second thoughts, maybe being the only male here isn't so bad...
Lunchlady Freya: We're all married, before you get excited.
Squidward: AAAARGGH!!!! ... So, we gonna cook lunch for the kids or what?
Lunchlady Sarah: Don't need to. We have a big tub of stew.
[Cut to an enormous tub of stew, which is overflowing]
Lunchlady Lydia: We cooked a bunch of stew before the summer holidays. This should last 'til mid-April. We usually just hang around until lunchtime.
Squidward: So this thing has been hanging around for three months at room temperature?
Lunchlady Freya: Nope.
Squidward: Phew. Thank God.
Lunchlady Freya: The school's air conditioning isn't on during summer break. This thing has been at ninety degrees F for most of the summer.
Squidward: Ewww... So what's in this stuff
Lunchlady Sarah: Loads of stuff. Rotten eggs, spoiled milk, slugs...
Squidward: Aren't slugs dangerous to eat?
Lunchlady Sarah: Worms, dirt, garbage, pencil sharpenings, old batteries, dead frogs, toxic waste, gravel, old socks, nail clippings, sweat, and avocado.
Squidward: I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
Lunchlady Terry: Do it in the stew. We don't like to waste food here.
Squidward: What do these kids have to drink?
Lunchlady Sarah: Fizzy drinks! Which, erm, are just stew with sparkling water in it.
Squidward: I guess my big break as a five-star chef won't be here...
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's class]
SpongeBob: Morning class. My name is Mr SquarePants.
Lewis: Hey that was the name of our last teacher!
SpongeBob: Huh. What a weird coincidence that has nothing to do with anything.
[Cut to Great-Uncle SquarePants teaching second grade]
Great-Uncle SquarePants: So today you have to write a report on what you did over your summer vacation? Huh! Back in my day, summer vacation only lasted four days and you spent most of it cleaning the house from top to bottom with a toothbrush and a thimble full of soapy water! And if your papa found so much as a smudge in the house, he'd throw mud everywhere and make you start over! Aye, they were tough times, but they built character, dammit, and if you ask me...
[Cut to SpongeBob's lesson]
SpongeBob: [Checking the lesson plan] So you guys have to write about your summer vacation? Let me write that on the board. [Tries to write with a dry-wipe pen but it's ran out of ink] Hmm. Better check the stationary closet. [Runs out the classroom, then returns in an instant] Nope, no whiteboard pens there. Better try asking around the classrooms.
[Cut to Great-Uncle SquarePants's lesson]
Great-Uncle SquarePants: ...The best soap back then was made from ash burnt from a coconut tree and blubber from a Pygmy Whale. 'Coarse, back then, there were only three left in existence, so that soap was the most expensive soap that only the richest kings and queens could afford. Why, my father once fought Wesley Howard Taft for thirteen hours for just a single scrap of that soap! They don't make soap like they used to these days...
Candice: Psst. Amy.
Amy: Yes Candice?
Candice: Remember the challenge all kids have each school year?
Amy: You mean to fake being sick so you can stay home from school?
Candice: No! To find out the teacher's first name! I hope it's harder than last year. I just asked her and she replied "Oh, my first name is Frances". I mean, where's the difficulty there??
Amy: Just asking is worth a try. Finding out right away is better than never finding out at all. Hey, Sir!
Great-Uncle SquarePants: Yes, Miss Davidson?
Amy: Could you tell us what your first name is?
Great-Uncle SquarePants: Certainly not! Why, back in my day, we didn't refer to our elders by their first names! I knew my father sixty long years before he died and I only found out what his first name was last week! I...
[SpongeBob walks in]
SpongeBob: Hey could I have a whiteboard pen I could borrow?
Great-Uncle SquarePants: Sure. [Hands SpongeBob a pen]
SpongeBob: Thanks. Hey I didn't know you worked here, Great-Uncle Shirley!
[The entire class laugh]
Candice: It wasn't difficult to find out this year, but I think that's made up for by how embarrassing it is!
Great-Uncle SquarePants: Hey! Silence! [The kids continue laughing] Okay we all get it! Shirley is normally a girl's name! We all know that! [The kids continue laughing] Silence! [they continue laughing] You know, laughing was actually forbidden during a short time between 1937 and 1940. It's actually a pretty interesting story now I think about it...
[Bubble transition to Mr Krab's classroom]
Mr Krabs: Ahoy there, class! Today, according to the lesson plan Principal Fancyson set, you're gonna write an essay on what you did during the summer vacation!
Phineas: Oh, we did a lot during summer!
Mr Krabs: Phineas? Ferb? In my classroom? So you're in fifth grade, and the school year has just begun, so... You're ten years old! I'm gonna tell everyone!
Phineas: No don't! We're supposed to have a deliberately vague age in order to identify to as wide a range of kids as possible!
Mr Krabs: Alright, alright... Let's see how good yer school performance is before I decide whether I want to leak this or not.
French Narrator: Three essays later.
Patrick: [Is asleep. Wakes up.] OK, class, time's up. Please turn in your... [Sees that the place is flooded in paper] What the hell?
Patrick Jr: My report is done Dad! Ahem! [Picks up a piece of paper and starts reading aloud]
Patrick: I never asked anyone to start reading aloud their report!
Patrick Jr: The hand of the clock, jet black, like the eyes of Satan, slowly moved forward. Nearly twenty times longer than it is thick, this clock hand was rumoured to have been forged in the basement of a cursed factory in the haunted forests of Transylvania in the 1300s by the children of Satan himself, locked in a chamber of steel two feet thick to avoid anyone whose eyes met the clock hand going insane! As it approached the number, written in a deep navy blue, the hand made a ticking sound, the same ticking sound which drove many a clock-maker mad, tick tick tick, inching towards its inevitable destination, before it finally hit it. The classroom bell, red, like the fires of Hell, began to vibrate, a ringing sound filling the ears of every soul within the pre-school. Before long, that ringing sound was replaced by the scraping of chairs across the floor, slowly wearing it away, like the passage of time itself inevitably wears away any...
Patrick: Wait, wait wait wait. When I said to write an essay about what you did over your summer vacation, I didn't mean to write about everything you did!
Patrick Jr: Oh.
Patrick: And I didn't want you to go into an absurd amount of detail either! [Sigh] Does anyone else have their report?
James: No, Mr Star, mine was stolen by Patwick Jr so he could finish witing his weport with all his paper.
Patrick: Oh for God's sake!
[Bubble transition to Mr Krabs's lesson]
Mr Krabs: So have you all finished your essay?
The Class: Yes Mr Krabs.
Mr Krabs: Good. Who'd like to read theirs first? How about you, Phineas?
Phineas: OK Mr Krabs. [Starts singing] There was 104 days of summer vacation before school came along just to end it! So the annual problem for our generation was finding a good way to spend it!
Bowling for Soup: [Appears out of nowhere] Like maybe!
[A montage happens of all the awesome things Phineas and Ferb did over summer, similar to the one in the Phineas and Ferb episode "Phineas and Ferb's Quantum Boogaloo", with Phineas, Ferb, and Mr Krabs ending up in the whole thing, Mr Krabs looking around confusedly throughout the duration of the montage]
Bowling for Soup: Building a freeze ray, or climbing Mount Everest, or building a life-sized gingerbread house! Holding a race to the edge of the Galaxy or giving self-awareness to a mouse! Building a mega-city, solving world hunger, or teaching a robot right from wrong! Discovering an element, designing a smartphone or writing a new kick-ass song!
This could've possibly been the best summer ever! [Possibly been the best summer ever!]
And the forecast says that the next one will likely be a million and six times better!
So make every minute count, jump up, jump in and seize the day!
And let's make sure that in every single possible way,
Today is gonna be a great day!
[They are now back in the classroom]
Mr Krabs: I have no clue what just happened. But... A+, I guess, for the effort of bringing in a goddamned rock band for the essay.
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's lesson]
Sammy: During my summer holiday, I went to the beach, I visited my gramma, I peed my pants, I accidentally superglued my hand to a moving train, I made an appearance on America's Most Wanted, I...
SpongeBob: OK Sammy that's enough. Place the report on my desk. [He does so] OK, who next? How about you, Ethan?
Ethan: OK! [Reads his report] When I grow up I want to be president of the United States just like my great-uncle Donald. I...
SpongeBob: Ethan, this was supposed to be an essay on what you did over summer vacation!
Ethan: Oh... Can I keep it so I don't have to do anything if you give me the "What you want to be when you're older" assignment?
SpongeBob: [Facepalms]
[Bubble transition to Great-Uncle SquarePants's class]
Great-Uncle SquarePants: ...And that's the story of how I defeated a buffalo with one arm tied behind my back while blindfolded. Any questions?
Amy: Weren't we supposed to write an essay on what we did over summer?
Great-Uncle SquarePants: I... Goddammit! I guess I managed to get you kids out of an essay! I'll just give you all a B+
Joe: That's the best grade I'll get all year! Thanks Shirley!
[Everyone giggles]
Great-Uncle SquarePants: Who's the rapscallion who said my first name? Right! Mr Turner! Just for that I'm giving you a C- instead of a B+!
Joe: Damn.
[Bubble transition to Squidward's cafeteria]
Lunchlady Lydia: Hey Squidward aren't you going to join us? We're watching a game show where the contestants get set on fire if they get the question wrong! I think your neighbour Patrick is on it!
[Cut to the game show]
Host: Who played Lord Farquaad in the 2001 movie Shrek?
Patrick: I-I... um... uhh... I... ummm..... I don't... I, uh...... John Smith!
[Patrick gets set on fire]
Patrick: [Cries like a baby]
[Cuts back to the cafeteria]
Squidward: I'm trying to cook something that's actually edible here, Lydia, not watch people be set on fire.
Lunchlady Freya: What is it, Squiddy? Some blister sandwiches? Mud soup with powdered bone? Turnip and grass salad?
Squidward: Nope. The finest meal ever conceived: Lobster stuffed with caviar.
[Bell rings for lunch]
[Cut to SpongeBob's lesson, where everyone is running from the classroom]
SpongeBob: The bell is for me, not for... Oh what the hell it's for you, go have your lunch.
[Cut to Patrick's lesson. The kids run out the classroom, causing Patrick Jr's essay to be thrown into the air]
Patrick: I'm going to have to store that essay in the teacher's folder.... this isn't going to be fun.....
[Cut to Great-Uncle SquarePants's lesson, where the bell has just rung]
Great-Uncle SquarePants: Say, back when I were a kid, the bell was rung by an old man who rode a mule and had this great big bushy... [Everyone runs out the classroom before he can finish the story] Aw forget it.
[Cut to the students at the cafeteria]
Tyler: Let me guess, the options are stew or going hungry?
Squidward: Nope! There's another option now: Lobster stuffed with caviar!
Tyler: Sounds gross! But whatever, anything's better than that awful stew. [Takes a bite out of the lobster, then immediately spits it out all over Squidward] Eurrgh! Ew! Gross! Disgusting! I take that back! I'll take stew over this! Lunchlady Terry! A bowl of stew please!
Squidward: But... My food isn't that bad, is it...?
Candice: Oh I'm sure Tyler was exaggerating. He's always exaggerating stuff. I bet... [Takes a bite out of the lobster] Ewww! Tyler was actually understating how gross this thing is! This is the worst thing that's ever been near my mouth! Lunchlady Terry! Three bowls of stew please!
Lizzy: Candice probably hated it 'cause Tyler had already bitten into it and gotten his yucky germs all over it. I'll try an untouched one. [Bites into an untouched one, then spits it out] Eww!!!
Squidward: OK, I get it, I get it! My cooking isn't great! [Sigh] I really wanted to improve on that stew.
Lizzy: Well, ya didn't.
Squidward: This is awful... Well I guess this job will at least be a good opportunity to practise my cooking skill!
Patrick: Hey Squiddy! Remember that super-long essay Patrick Jr wrote?
Squidward: No.
Patrick: Well the audience already knows so there's no need explaining it. The good news is I finally packed it into the folder, but the bad news is, if anyone touches the folder, it'll blow up with the force of a small bomb.
Squidward: [Sigh]
Patrick: What's wrong?
Squidward: It's just... I spend all this time cooking a meal, and it tastes worse than a stew with slugs and dirt in it!
Patrick: Well don't worry. My son Patrick Jr has a lot to learn before he's ready to move up to first grade, but I have an entire year to teach him!
Squidward: Yeah.... Yeah! My cooking skills may suck now, but they won't be too terrible after nine months of practise, right?
[SpongeBob and Mr Krabs walk in]
SpongeBob: Yeah... In fact this reminds me of a song I learned when I was at elementary school!
Squidward: Oh no not after last time!
SpongeBob: [Pulls a ukulele out of nowhere] It's a long long road ahead of us,
But I'm sure, if we try...
Squidward: Oh no you don't! In fact, I'm ending the episode right here and now!
[Episode ends]