The Taxman Cometh

an adventure starring Firebreathing Kittens Furious, Boltzmann, Dr. Crud III. 
Tweet Length Description: What do a taxman, the filthy rich, a paraplegic automaton, the Sea Scouts and a dwarf eating worm all have in common? The Firebreathing Kittens of course! Find out how Furious Johnson, Boltzmann and Dr. Crud III handle them all in our latest episode! 
Setting: Niqamui, Elysian Fields
Non Player Characters: 
* Iain Honeytree
* Nulisag
* Somerset Sunset
* Susi
* Ember
* Oat
* Arndt Quennell
* Engracia Quennell
* Crystal Leblanc
* Ayaz Okazaki
* Doobie Calamario
* Vaclav Kampusch
* Chanté (née O'Brien) Kampusch
* Levente Darragh
* Xavier Tinman
* Keshet Byrne
* Titus Askr
* Grak Nightarm
* Spork Dayface
Plot Summary: Furious Johnson, Dr. Crud III, and Boltzmann are having a grand old time at the Firebreathing Kittens Guild Hall when their accountant Iain Honeytree enters to give them notice of Moving Day: each resident of Niqamui will need to pay 5 gold pieces in taxes, or be forcibly removed from the city by a large number of guards. Furious and Dr. Crud do not see an issue with this and pay their taxes, but Boltzmann, despite his wealth, scoffs and tosses his letter in the fire, declaring he would like to see them try.
While Furious and Dr. Crud take a moment away from Boltzmann and decide to enlist as guards to personally throw him out of the city on Moving Day, two notices are put on the board: both because of monster attacks, both in the rich suburb of Elysian Fields, both with a reward of 100,000 gold pieces. Concluding the notices likely concern the same monster, the three adventurers head in that direction, hoping to get paid twice for the same job.
In the rich neighborhood of Elysian Fields, Crud and Furious fraternize over their shared disdain for the rich, something Boltzmann disregards as envy. When they arrive at the first address, they are met by former villains, apparently employed as guards, Keshet Byrne and Titus Askr, who won't let them pass upon recognizing their Firebreathing Kittens tattoos. Dr. Crud talks down Byrne, but Titus attacks and calls for backup, prompting Boltzmann to trap both of them in a force bubble and Dr. Crud and Furious to pummel the goblin minions hard enough to run off into the woods, not to be seen again.
Entering the mansion without interference, they find it's owned by the Quennels, a gnome couple, who don't know much about what monsters have been threatening them, but are very afraid. Boltzmann lambasts them for their lacking security system, but Dr. Crud quickly shushes him before they talk themselves out of a job. They agree to take on the contract, but will first go to the second address to assure a second payment.
This second mansion appears to have been attacked by something humongous recently, and is heavily damaged. Outside, they meet the Sea Scouts, friends of Boltzmann, who are doing much better now that their orphanage is no longer run by sea hags, and they have been hanging out and selling cookies at this mansion, which is owned by Somerset Sunset. This mansion has an even larger number of guards, who proudly inform the party that the monster, a Giant Worm, has already been beaten and sealed in a ceramic plate by Ayaz Okazaki. Just as Furious informs them how bad of an idea it is to use an easily breakable plate as a seal, a shattering is heard in the hall and a roar from outside.
The Kittens rush out to confront a gargantuan, many-teethed worm, as the Sea Scouts run for cover. When Furious Johnson charges toward the beast and starts to pummel it with his fists, he is immediately grabbed and eaten. Realizing they're going to need reinforcements, Boltzmann calls forth a horrifying astral aberration that whispers unknowable secrets to the worm, while he himself holds the line in hand-to-hand combat to make sure the orphans are safe. Meanwhile, Dr. Crud jumps on its back to get a good vantage point from which to heal using his auto-doc drone, and Furious continues punching the beast from the inside out.
When Boltzmann and the star spawn are also grabbed and eaten by the worm and start tearing away at its organs in unison with Furious, the cocktail of aberrant spittle, spinal fluid, and baby oil proves too much for its stomach, and they're collectively spewed out. As the worm slams its maw down one last time, Furious, partially digested, enormously pissed off, and brimming with dwarven disgruntlement, meets it with equal force, a headbutt sending shockwaves coursing through the worm's segments. It immediately slumps down, leaving Dr. Crud to harvest the ginormous organs.
The Sea Scouts are thankfully fine, and Ember tearfully admits to Boltzmann that she was the one who broke the plate. Boltzmann assures her that she is not to blame, that nobody died, and even if they had, you don't need to worry about personal accountability if you are able to resurrect the dead. Ember resolves to become a necromancer. The heroes enter the house only to find Xavier Tinman, one of the guards, claiming victory over the monster. He is quickly silenced by Dr. Crud, who presents the worm's anus as proof Xavier's lying, and Boltzmann, who uses a Suggestion spell to get Xavier to agree Crud is right. Xavier is then also blamed by the others for breaking the plate, but Furious cuts that nonsense in the bud and says it was Ember who broke the plate, but really the irresponsible guards are to blame. When Ms. Somerset asks for suggestions as to alternative means of protection, Boltzmann recommends becoming a wizard, and the three take their leave.
They head back toward the first address, which it turns out was plagued by a different type of monster: the ethereal Boltzmann Spiders, who Boltzmann had introduced in the wild in order to combat giant mosquitoes after the events of Cross Crusty Running. The heroes make short work of the spiders, but during the combat Titus admits how much he loves killing gnomes. As they collect their reward (among which Furious finds a Wishing Coin), Boltzmann mentions the gnomes should probably fire their guards, considering they're trying to murder them. The Quennels are shocked and follow up on the suggestion, but are now left without any defense against monster attacks. When asked what to do, considering they're too old to become adventurers themselves, the team suggests hiring the Firebreathing Kittens whenever they have a problem. They take their leave, wondering when the next big-time gig in Elysian Heights will show up on the notice board.
Memorable Quotes:
"You have to make your own work." -- Dr. Crud III
"If you shoot somebody with a crossbow and then immediately patch them up, that's practically the same thing as not shooting them at all." -- BoltzmannDr Crud III (after patching Furious up from being partially digested): "Everybody says I'm a bad doctor, but that is absolute bull hockey."Furious: "I think they consider you a bad doctor because you normally do your doctoring after you've caused the damage, and that's probably slightly against the Hippocratic oath."Boltzmann: "You also harvest organs from any patient, regardless of what they come in for."Dr. Crud III: "You gotta make your own work sometimes!"
Category:Episodes