SpongeBob Catches Autism

SpongeBob Catches Autism is the fifth episode of The SpongeBob and Daddy Pig Show. It was released on January 28, 2022 and was written by thatjess.
== Transcript ==
[Exterior shot of SpongeBob’s pineapple. Daddy Pig is on the couch in the living room watching the TV.]
Narrator: It is a gloomy and foggy day in Bikini Bottom. Daddy Pig is inside watching some television, the lazy bastard.
[SpongeBob walks in front of the TV.]
SpongeBob: Good morning!
Daddy Pig: Good morning! Could you move out of the way, please? I’m trying to watch The Jeremy Kyle Show.
SpongeBob: Oh sorry. (he does so) What’s The Jeremy Kyle Show?
Daddy Pig: Oh, it’s a show where this right old geezer Jeremy Kyle, millionaire he is, yells at a load of poor lower class British chavs to try and solve their problems! It’s well fun! On this morning’s episode, there’s this guy right, and he’s cheated on his wife! (laughs) I love some relatable tele.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: (nervously fidgeting with his hands) Hey, um… Daddy Pig?
Daddy Pig: Yeah?
SpongeBob: I’m, heh, getting my final booster jab tomorrow for the Granolavirus and… well… you know, I’m a little queasy around needles. Could- could you please come with me?
Daddy Pig: Oh, of course! I got all my Granolavirus jabs ages ago, it’s nothing to worry about really.
SpongeBob: Thanks Daddy Pig.
Daddy Pig: Don’t mention it. We’re friends, right?
[Gary the Snail slithers in.]
Gary: Ugh, I can’t believe you two. I respected you Daddy Pig, and you let those liberal sheeple brainwash you!
Narrator: Gary the Snail doesn’t like vaccines.
SpongeBob: Gary! How many times do I have to tell you? The vaccine is perfectly safe! Since when has the government ever lied to us?
Daddy Pig: May 2020 at Downing Street, December 2020 at Downing Street-
SpongeBob: You’re not helping.
Gary: You two really are absolute imbeciles sometimes. The Granolavirus is a con by the government to microchip us to steal all our personal information!
SpongeBob: For what?
Daddy Pig: Yeah, why would they need our personal information? I may sometimes be stupid, and my tummy may be slightly bigger than normal, but Daddy Pig knows to trust vaccines.
Gary: Oh my Neptune - the microchips aren’t even the worst part of these so-called “vaccines”!
Daddy Pig: So then what is the worst part?
Gary: Vaccines cause… vaccines cause…
SpongeBob: Yeah?
[Pause.]
Gary: Vaccines cause…
[Pause. Close-up shot of Gary’s mouth.]
Gary: (whispers) Autism.
[Dramatic sting.]
SpongeBob: (gulps) Autism?
Daddy Pig: Oh come on! Vaccines do not cause autism! And even if they did, having autism is no big deal at all! My son George has it and he’s perfectly fine!
SpongeBob: Isn’t he also type 2 diabetic?
Daddy Pig: That’s besides the point.
Gary: Eh, suit yourself. I’m gonna go and fight some more sheeple on Twitter.
[Gary slithers off.]
SpongeBob: I don’t know, Daddy Pig, I’m kinda scared of the vaccine now!
Daddy Pig: Don’t worry about it, SpongeBob. Everything will be fine.
SpongeBob: …really?
Daddy Pig: Of course!
SpongeBob: Well… okay. If Daddy Pig says it’s okay, it must be!
Daddy Pig: That’s the truth! Now… could I please get back to Jeremy Kyle?
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig reentering the pineapple the next day. SpongeBob has a plaster over his arm.]
SpongeBob: Wooo! That was kinda fun actually! (laughs)
Daddy Pig: See? I told you it’d be fine!
SpongeBob: You know what? I think I’m gonna go into the kitchen and make us some Krabby Patties to celebrate!
Daddy Pig: Ooh! Make mine with extra bacon!
[SpongeBob walks off to the kitchen, flapping his hands.]
SpongeBob: Woo! I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready!
[Gary slithers in.]
Gary: Hey Papa Bob. Did you get the vaccine?
SpongeBob: Yep! They gave me this cute lil plaster with this adorable kitten on it! See?
[Closeup shot of SpongeBob’s plaster.]
Gary: Mmm-hmm… so, how are you enjoying the new firmware update for your microchip?
SpongeBob: (laughs) Don’t be silly, Gary!
Gary: You… you enjoying your autism so far?
SpongeBob: (laughs) That one was even funnier! I don’t have autism!
Gary: You’re literally flapping your hands, right now… that’s a sign of autism, bro.
[Pause. SpongeBob stops flapping his hands.]
SpongeBob: Huh… that’s weird.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: Oh well!
[SpongeBob goes back to making the Krabby Patties. He opens a cupboard and takes some raw patties out.]
SpongeBob: I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m ready! I’m rea-
Gary: Repeating phrases is also a sign of autism.
SpongeBob: (laughs) Oh, good one Gary! I’ve always done that!
Gary: Sure, sure… you definitely didn’t catch on from this “vaccine” you’ve unsuspiciously got just now.
SpongeBob: Oh stop it, Gary! I do not have autism.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: But, heh… if I did have autism… what exactly would the signs be?
Gary: Hmmm… well… besides flapping your hands and repeating phrases… stomach autism is also a sign of regular autism.
SpongeBob: What’s stomach autism?
Gary: Oh, it’s where you only ever eat the same thing everyday. Everyone knows that. Like… there’s this one crazy guy I know who only ever eats Cheerios and Frozen 2 mac and cheese, except he doesn’t put the cheese in so it’s just Frozen 2 mac.
SpongeBob: (laughs) I’d love to be that guy, he sounds fun! Good thing I don’t eat the same thing everyday though.
[SpongeBob glances down at the Krabby Patties he’s started making.]
SpongeBob: (gasps) Oh no! I do eat the same thing everyday!
Gary: (sighs) It’s just like I suspected… you have autism, dad.
SpongeBob: (shaking) I- I- I don’t know what to say, Gary, I’m kinda scared now!
Gary: (sighs again) It’s okay, I knew this would happen.
SpongeBob: But- but- just to be sure… are there any other signs of autism?
Gary: Well… I guess another sign is being hyperactive or inattentive.
[Pause.]
SpongeBob: I’m sorry, what did you say?
[Gary rolls his eyes. SpongeBob runs out of the kitchen crying.]
SpongeBob: DADDY PIG! DADDY PIG!
Daddy Pig: What’s the matter? What’s the matter?
SpongeBob: OH IT’S HORRIBLE! I HAVE… I HAVE…
Daddy Pig: Yes? Yes?
SpongeBob: I HAVE…
[Pause. Closeup of SpongeBob’s mouth.]
SpongeBob: (whispers) Autism.
[Dramatic sting.]
Daddy Pig: You mean you didn’t already have autism?
SpongeBob: (crying) I don’t know what I’m going to do!
Daddy Pig: Okay, okay… first, calm down. It’s not that big of a deal. We just… aha! We just need to see a doctor!
SpongeBob: A doctor?
[Exterior shot of the Peppa Pig World Clinic. Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig walking down the hallway to the doctors’ room. SpongeBob is once again worriedly fidgeting with his hands.]
Narrator: This is the Peppa Pig World Clinic. SpongeBob and Daddy Pig have come to see if SpongeBob has autism.
SpongeBob: Doctor Brown Bear is the best doctor in town. He once did an entire home visit just because Peppa had the sniffles! He’ll know just what to do!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig sitting in Dr. Brown Bear’s office.]
Narrator: This is Doctor Brown Bear. He is a doctor. He is also brown. He is also a bear.
Dr. Brown Bear: Hello there!
Daddy Pig: Hello!
Dr. Brown Bear: Ah, Daddy Pig! Long time no see! Say, didn’t Mummy Pig kick you out of the house?
Daddy Pig: (turns red) Er… actually it’s not me who’s here to see you. It’s my friend SpongeBob.
Dr. Brown Bear: SpongeBob, eh? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you before! Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?
SpongeBob: Well… heh, I got my last Granolavirus booster jab, and I think I’ve caught autism!
Dr. Brown Bear: Caught autism, eh?
SpongeBob: Uh-huh.
Daddy Pig: We’d like to get SpongeBob diagnosed please.
Dr. Brown Bear: I see…
Daddy Pig: Getting diagnosed with autism is a very long process, SpongeBob. I had to go through it all with George. Doctor Brown Bear will have to make lots of referrals, and it could take up to three years!
SpongeBob: Three years?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well, I will see what I can do… now, SpongeBob, do you have autism?
SpongeBob: Um… I think so?
Dr. Brown Bear: Well then it’s settled. You have autism.
Narrator: SpongeBob has been diagnosed with autism.
Daddy Pig: HOORAY!
[Cut to SpongeBob and Daddy Pig leaving the clinic.]
SpongeBob: I… I’m not sure how to feel about this. Honestly I thought getting diagnosed would make me feel a lot better.
Daddy Pig: Like I said, don’t worry SpongeBob. It really isn’t that big of a deal. Lots of people have autism and have great lives! Just look at Albert Einstein!
SpongeBob: Isn’t he deader than Suzy Sheep?
Daddy Pig: Um…
[Cut to the two walking towards SpongeBob’s pineapple.]
SpongeBob: Well, I guess I do feel a little better. It explains a lot I suppose.
[The two enter the house. The room is completely pitch-black.]
Daddy Pig: Wh- what happened to the lights?
[The lights suddenly turn back on. There is a large banner across the back wall of the room reading “HAPPY AUTISM”. All of SpongeBob and Daddy Pig’s friends jump out. Gary blows a party horn.]
All: HAPPY AUTISM!
SpongeBob: Aw, you guys! You really shouldn’t have!
Patrick: We heard all about your autism…
Mr. Bull: Moo! So we threw together a party!
[Squidward walks ou holding a cake.]
Squidward: They made me buy a ’s cake.
Rex Mohs: NO!!!!
[Rex Mohs runs over and smashes the cake. Pause.]
Rex Mohs: Sorry I thought that was sex.
SpongeBob: Aw, I can’t believe it… this is the best autism diagnosis ever!
Narrator: SpongeBob loves autism. ‘’Everyone’’ loves autism!
[Everyone falls to the floor in fits of laughter.]
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