Donkey Kong: Freak Accidents

Donkey Kong: Freak Accidents (known in Europe as Donkey Kong and his Friends (and Enemies) Obey Traffic Law and Don't Harm Anybody, Maliciously or Otherwise, at All, Trust Me) is the first true racing shame in the Donkey Kong County series. There is Diddy Kong Racing, but that isn't a Donkey Kong County shame, so who cares? Donkey Kong: Freak Accidents was commissioned by Donkey Kong so that he could erase a certain other shame from the collective minds of everyone in the UnUniverse. He would've preferred history to have just been rewritten instead, but the Undefeatables weren't having any of his hogwash, so they turned him down.
==History==
It all started when Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast was created. General consensus is that Barrel Blast is not a good shame at all, and Donkey Kong was getting shamed (hey wait) on the streets for it, despite the fact that it really wasn't much to be publicly shamed over (I mean come on it's just a shame calm down). The harassment got so bad Cranky Kong accidentally fell over and couldn't get up, and Donkey Kong himself wasn't even able to Expand Dong because he was just so angry (you'd think that'll help him do it). Eventually, Donkey Kong decided that enough was enough, and went on a biblical journey across the four oceans, eight planets, and greater UnUniverse just to reach the Undefeatables and make them do something about it. It was a rigorous exodus that took the simple-minded, complacent ape through landscapes even the most seasoned explorer would pee their pants over. Eventually, the ape made it to Undefeatable Palace, and begged to Chuck Norris about him removing the shame from the continuity. Not wanting to be bothered (and not wanting another New Caulde scenario), Chuck told Donkey Kong to sod off and kicked him into orbit.
After being sent on a collision course to Donkey Kong Country and wiping its inhabitants out in the ensuing asplosion, Donkey Kong was in a slump. His prayers fell on deaf ears. What was he supposed to do? Enter Mario and Luigi, famous for making movies simply to replace other movies, like Bagel Movie and Lobster House. Donkey Kong begged them both to help him out, but they decided to cage him up and display him in the Mushroom Kingdom freak show. On a completely unrelated note, some rando made a ROM hack of Mario Mart, reverse-ported it to the Shame Boi Advance, and then got rotisserie cooked over a fire by Mr. Nintendo and Shigeru Miyamoto for tampering with their holy scriptures. That shame turned out to be Donkey Kong: Freak Accidents.
==Shameplay==
It's really just a racing shame; you get from point A to point A again three times before your enemies do. The race tracks are all nondescript jungle areas, and there are two boost pads. The blue boost pad makes you go faster, while the slightly less blue one causes a bunch of breadbugs to rise out of deepest pits of Hell and drag you back down to their master: the eponymous Elmer Fudd. The funny thing about races is that, like in Donkey Kong County, they can only be won if you collect all the bananas and break all the barrels. There are also Chewy Chews that can be used as items, but if you throw them at your opponents (the only way you can even utilize them) they instantly break open and are eaten by their target. The Chewy Chews do nothing, that is the bottom line.
In a Grand Prix, you have to do eight races in randomly generated race courses. The last place loser is disposed of by being thrown in a hole of Mexican Warios, like the unused power-up in Super Mario: Teletubbies! 3. Bob Saget is reportedly horrified that this unsightly punishment was finally incorporated in a shame. After the grand prix is over, there is a cutscene where the winner goes up to a telephone booth, and then it cuts back to the main menu. That's it. There's no victory ceremony, no commenerable trophy, no nothin' to win! Reminder that this shame managed to sell 1,000 copies. Doesn't that hurt? Doesn't such a measly number seem like too much for this trainwreck?
==Characters==
===Main===
 Main
Image/Title 	Pros 	Cons
Donkey Kong 	Is Donkey Kong 	Moves slower than every other character combined and then dilluted to their absolute worst stats
Diddy Kong 	Fastest character 	Has a very annoying voice that makes you want to stop
Cranky Kong 	Uhm... 	Dies from a heart attack the second the race starts (he just can't handle the excitement!)
Bluster Kong 	Playing as him instantly gives you an ∞ UnDollar 	You die instantly because defeatables aren't allowed that bank note
King K. Rool 	Has the King K. Rool Cannon to suck up tins of Chewy Chews	center
Klump Skurvy 	The only heavyweight racer in the shame (for some reason) 	Dies instantly when colliding with King K. Rool
Kaptain Skurvy	Best theme song in the shame 	Has Rainbowitis
Wizpig 	Can fucking fly 	Dies instantly when in the same race with... well, we won't spoil it just yet
===Secret===
There do exist a few secret characters in the shame. Exactly why they were added is still unknown as none of them even have the foggiest connection to Donkey Kong. There are Hello Neighbor puzzles with clearer answers than that question!
 Secret
Image/Title 	Pros 	Cons 	Unlock Requirements
Frank Horrigan (Why did we keep it a secret when it's literally the first unlockable character?) 	Instantly eliminates Wizpig 	Somehow moves even slower than Donkey Kong 	Win as Wizpig 0 times
Lobster from the Lobster House trilogy 	Can become his house form on the press of the shoulder buttons to make him invincible and kill all the other racers 	None really 	Drive into the water once
Burgermeister Meisterburger 	Has theme music 	Also has a 1/10 chance of turning into a block of cheese when a race starts	Beat 50 races as Frank Horrigan
Victor (Okay I know the render also has Moritz in it but he does not appear at all and even then this render incorrectly depicts him as looking like Victor as well so for all intents and purposes it's just Victor thx 4 understanding)	Can use the intergalactic zipper to warp instantly to the end of a race, invalidating all the skill of his opponents	Banned from tournament play 	Take the shame to outer space and play it there once
OH GOD NOT THIS GUY AGAIN! 	Annoys everyone into submission 	Annoys the player as well 	Seethe and cope
Vinny Pizzapasta 	Corrupts the entire shame 	That isn't neccesarily a good thing I don't know why I said it was 	Keep a new copy away from all frogs for five hours after purchase and name your save file, "GORMLE" (there's only five character spaces)
Mole 	The only character to play like they're in an actual mascot racer shame 	Well... 	Complete the entire shame 99.9% and keep it stimulated afterwards for about 365 days (referred to by the strategy guide as, "work"). This includes pressing the buttons and actually doing stuff, with only 10 second breaks before it has to be done all over again. Entire teams of scientists have been gathered together with the shared goal of unlocking this character.
==Reception==
Biased Ratings poorly recieved the shame, stating that it, "should've had the Bonus Barrel and Giant Clam as racers". ISN, in a slightly less scathing review, said, "I'd rather apply a tourniquet around my pinkie finger, and tighten it until it loses circulation and goes limp". Ironically, more people started buying Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast after this shame released in order to forget that it exists.
Category:Donkey Kong
Category:Donkey Kong's Shames
Category:Shames
Category:Bad shames
Category:Racing Shames