Steamed Hams (One-Shot)

Steamed Hams was a non-canon One-Shot that took place at the Kirvan Abbey on Konira during the time of the Confederate Inquisition, and involved a whimsical retelling of the events of the Kirvan Abbey Incident.
== Background ==
As the Confederate Inquisition arrives at the Kirvan Abbey on Konira for a tour (and to investigate for evidence of manufacturing weapons and aiding the rebellion), Abbess Wesman and the other employees of the abbey must try to keep the visit on track without any incidents. The task, however, is complicated by a malfunctioning air conditioner.
== Characters ==
=== Player Characters ===
Character 	Player 	Description
Abbess Abby Wesman 	Craig 	Local administrator at the abbey.
Scruffy the Gardener 	Elisabeth	The abbey's gardener, responsible for burying corpses in the abbey gardens.
Willie the Maintenance Man	Nathaniel	The abbey's head maintenance man, responsible for fixing the broken air conditioner.
Franklin the Intern 	Sean 	An abbey intern hoping to be hired for full-time work, responsible for keeping track of the abbey's flesh golems.
Christophe the Altar Boy 	Seth 	An altar boy at the abbey, responsible for gathering and burning incense.
=== Important Non-Player Characters ===
Character 	Description
Father Tarlo 	Ex-Dalthadi resident of the abbey, devoted cupcake enthusiast
Pigpen 	A flesh golem being kept in the abbey's basement
Dionne Antema 	Inquisition party member.
Varlam Vasiliev 	Inquisition party member.
Caesaris 	Inquisition party member.
James Fhtagnleton	Inquisition party member.
Hercule J. Bloom 	Inquisition party member.
Marius Nemo 	Inquisition party member.
Val'Gul 	Inquisition party member.
Octo Thorpe 	Inquisition party member.
Constance Morovin	Inquisition party member.
Roland 	Inquisition party member.
== Summary ==
The inquisitors arrive at the abbey and are welcomed by Abby the Abbess. They hear banging sounds as Willie works to fix the faulty AC. Constance offers to help and crawls up to help Willie with repairs before Abby can stop her. Willie tells Constance to get a vacuum, which she does. Willie accidentally sets the vacuum to blow rather than suck, dumping incense and dust all over the abbey and leaking coolant everywhere. The inquisitors leave the disaster area and go into the garden. Hercule trips over a bush, finds a dead human foot sticking out of the dirt, and asks Scruffy the gardener why there's a foot in the dirt. Scruffy says "its not a foot, its an exotic Kirvan plant that just looks like a foot". Bluff successful? Dionne gets into a discussion with Scruffy about Kirvan botany. "Foot of a Corpse Flower". Hercule also finds an arm. Abby the abbess calls over "Doctor" Franklin to confirm that the arm is a plant and not a corpse. Franklin: "the fruit (the corpse's flesh) is used for making incense". Christophe gets called over to demonstrate how incense is made. Abby decides to do a demonstration of a "traditional Kirvan blessing" using the human flesh "plant" as incense. Abby bullshits her way through a ritual, the inquisitors are convinced.
Franklin discovers that "Pigpen" the flesh golem has wandered off, possibly lured out of the basement by the smell of burnt flesh. Franklin encounters Pigpen the golem and convinces it to follow Willie back to the basement rather than interrupting the Abby's ceremony. Willie's AC situation in the basement continues to worsen. Willie asks the flesh golem to punch a hole in the wall to vent the bad air thats filling the basement. Tom: "so, the basement is underground, right?". The flesh golem's punch collapses the ground just adjacent to Abby's blessing ceremony. Abby attempts to pass off the opened smoking pit as being a result of Kirva's blessing. Bluff unsuccessful. Abby tries to tell everyone that the place is unsafe because the AC is broken and that all the inquisitors need to leave. Hercule instead jumps into the basement pit. The AC begins to make loud noises. Willie tries to convince Hercule to leave for his own safety. Hercule is convinced that he needs to leave the basement in order to help Willie shut down the faulty AC unit.
The flesh golem (who was in the basement, and is continuing to follow Willie and also wants some fresh air) follows Hercule and Willie out of the basement into the yard with the other inquisitors. The inquisitors are shocked and scandalized at the sight of a flesh golem. Abby: "its not a flesh golem, its a plant." Scruffy: "never seen it here before, sometimes they just wander in off the street." Franklin: "Leave Pigpen alone, he's not a monster he's my uncle. He got severly wounded in the war, thats all." Pigpen the golem begins rolling around in the flowers and nearly uncovers more buried corpses, but Franklin lures him away with the promise of a cupcake (which Franklin plans to steal from Father Tarlo's cupcake stash). Abby: "Please don't report Pigpen to the authorities or get him taken away from the abbey, we're doing the best we can to give him the quality of life he deserves after what happened to him in the war." Inquisitors are convinced, somehow? Smoke continues to billow out of the pit, and Abby convinces the inquisitors to head for the exit of the abbey for their own safety.
Christophe the altar boy decides the way to put out the basement fire is by dousing it with the holy oil. That makes the problem worse. Abby and Willie try to ensure that the fire doesn't reach the gunpowder (""the incense"") that's stored in the basement. It turns out cupcakes and fire extinguishers are shipped in the same style of box. Willie, looking for fire extinguishers, finds cupcakes. Franklin, looking for Tarlo's cupcake stash to feed Pigpen, finds fire extinguishers. Franklin tells Pigpen to go find Willie to get a cupcake, and takes two fire extinguishers to attempt to put out the fire. Fire spreads up the chimney to the abbess's office and catches the office on fire as well. Fire approaches the room in the basement where the gunpowder is stored. Willie, in frustration, tosses the cupcakes into the fire. Pigpen arrives and demands a cupcake. At Willie's direction, Pigpen walks into the fire and eats a very crispy cupcake. Pigpen gets a stomachache from a fire-damaged cupcake and limps away. Abby and Willie discover that Franklin did not know to pull the pins out of the fire extinguishers. But it doesnt matter, the fire extinguishers turn out to be defective regardless. Scruffy the gardener arrives with a garden hose and finally manages to put out the fire.
Abby goes to bid farewell to the inquisition finally. Franklin very nearly reveals the gun manufacturing plot to the leaving inquisitors but Abby covers him. Christophe dabs. The inquisitors leave. Father Tarlo returns to the abbey and angrily questions Franklin about his missing cupcakes. They engage in a protracted theological debate about god and cupcakes. Franklin gets fired, Christophe gets promoted.
Category:One-Shot Summaries
Category:Non-Canon