Tour Guide Of Duty/Transcript

The following is a transcript for the episode "Tour Guide Of Duty".
== ==
(Poppy is hosting the Volunteer Draft. Dr. Moonbloom, Biggie, and two male Trolls are on the stage with her.)
Poppy: (Through the microphone) Trolls in need of help. A community eager to lend a hand. (Smidge is seen drinking with bottles on her ears.) But who will be chosen? We’ll find out at… (Spotlights shine on the banner.) … the Volunteer Draft! (The crowd cheers.) And with the first pick in the draft, Biggie needs help teaching Mr. Dinkles how to ride is unicycle.
All: (As Mr. Dinkles and his unicycle fall over) Aw!
Mr. Dinkles: Meep.
Poppy: So, Biggie, who’s it gonna be?
Biggie: (As Poppy points the microphone at him) Um…
Troll #1: Oh, me, me, me!
Troll #2: Come on, come on, me!
Biggie: Um… Well, I choose… DJ Suki!
DJ Suki: (Giving Smidge a high-five) Yeah! (She runs to the stage.) Whoo!
Smidge: Yay!
Branch: Wow! My first Volunteer Draft. Is it just me, or do you guys feel really good right now?
Satin: Not just you. That’s what helping Trolls in need does. It brings out the very best in us. (To Chenille) I love you!
Chenille: I love you, too.
Both: (As they hug) Ooh!
Satin: This is so weird.
Chenille: I know.
Poppy: (With Dr. Moonbloom) And with he second pick in the draft, Dr. Moonbloom needs… “a surgical assistant”? Doesn’t that require training? (Dr. Moonbloom takes the microphone from Poppy.)
Dr. Moonbloom: I choose…
Troll #3: Me, me, me, me! Me!
Branch: (Pushing a red male Troll aside) Me, me, me, me! Me!
Dr. Moonbloom: Cooper, time to scrub in!
Cooper: (Coming up to the stage) You got it, Doctor! (He puts on a purple glove and gives the blue male Troll a high-five.) Yeah!
Branch: Huh. Thought I was a shoo-in there. But be patient, Branch. You’ll get picked. It’s just a matter of time. (Hours later, he is the only Troll not picked to volunteer. A bell toll can be heard.)
Poppy: And with the last pick in the draft…
Branch: Me, right here!
Poppy: Dad, who do you choose?
Peppy: Let me see.
Branch: Me! Come on, please!
Peppy: I’ll take… the rock! (Branch looks at a rock beside him.)
Branch: The rock?! But you need someone to teach you how to swim, and you picked a rock?
Peppy: (Getting off the stage) Well, frankly, Branch, he wouldn’t be my first choice, but we all know how you don’t like to be bothered, so… (He picks up the rock.) … you’re welcome! (He walks away.)
Branch: B-But… “Hate to be bothered”? What does that mean? I really want to help.
Poppy: Don’t take it so hard, Branch. The village hasn’t gotten over the impression you made back in your bunker days. (She gets off the stage.) You weren’t exactly known as a Troll who was eager to lend a hand. (We go to the past to where Harper is going to the door to Branch’s bunker.)
Past Harper: Could I borrow a cup of sugar? (Thorns, saws, and firework rockets appear.) Half a cup? (She screams as the weapons get ready to attack her. Then we go back to the present.)
Branch: That was the old me. (sighs) I’ve learned to love this community since then, and I want to do my part. I just need a chance to show everyone that. (Poppy stares at him.) What?
Poppy: You’ve just grown so much. (She spreads her arms out for a hug.)
Branch: Please don’t.
Poppy: Sorry, I have to. (inhales) Branch! (She runs over to Branch and hugs him. As she hugs, she cries tears of joy.) I’m so proud of you!
Tug: (Walking backwards) We’re panicking. We’re panicking. We’re panicking. We’re panicking.
Branch: Uh… Tug. (Tug smiles.)
Tug: Hello, everybody!
Poppy: Hi… Tug. How’s the tour guiding going?
Branch: Yeah, you seem a little… off?
Tug: Fun fact: This smile is currently masking an internal storm of terror and unease. Oh, no! (She runs over to the stage.) Please tell me I didn’t miss the Volunteer Draft, because if you look directly in front of you, you’ll see a Troll in desperate need of assistance. (She giggles and sobs.)
Branch: Don’t worry, Tug. Help is right here.
Tug: Oh. Branch, you want to help?
Branch: Whatever you need, I’m your Troll. Lay it on me.
Tug: Very well. As you might know, I am debuting a brand-new tour tomorrow.
Poppy: Of course! The whole village is counting down the minutes.
Tug: Yes, but what you don’t know is… (giggles) … there is no tour! (Poppy and Branch gasp. Later, Tug gets ready to close down her business and tears down her poster.) What a disaster! (She leans on her counter.)
Poppy: How can there be no tour, Tug. You’ve been preparing it for weeks. (Tug gets up and smiles.)
Tug: Right you are. I even picked a location. The island that recently popped up in the middle of the lagoon?
Poppy: Mystery Island?!
Branch: That would make a great tour!
Tug: I thought so, too! (We go to the past to where she is getting ready for the tour of Mystery Island.) Until it swam away. (It is revealed that the island was on a large turtle and it swims away.)
Past Tug: No! (We go back to the present.)
Branch: OK, so you need a new idea. Let’s see, big tour, (gasps) What about the Eyestalk Caverns?
Tug: You mean the Ocular Odyssey? (She pulls down a poster.) It’s already one of my most popular attractions.
Branch: (gasps) The Valley of Thorns!
Tug: (Pulling down another poster) The Prickly Pilgrimage!
Branch: OK, what about-
Tug: The Bergen Town Bus Ride?
Branch: I’ve got it! The Tunnels of Certain Death, Death, Death!
Tug: Meh…
Branch: Hey, there’s no such thing as a bad idea.
Tug: (giggles) That statement is false.
Branch: Well, I’m not giving up. I know there’s a new tour out there, and I’m the friend who’s gonna find it for you.
Tug: OK, lead the way. (Later, she and Branch are walking in the forest.)
Branch: And we’re walking, we’re walking. Ready for some woolly wonder? Then come take a tour that isn’t all fluff. (laughs) Welcome to Puffalo Plains. (The camera zooms out to reveal several Puffalos.)
Tug: (giggles) Adorable idea, Branch. Unfortunately, molten season starts very soon. (The wool fall off the Puffalos.)
Branch: Huh? (The Puffalos run off in embarrassment.) Ooh. (He and Tug walk to an anthill.) Maybe instead of looking for a big tour idea, we should think small. (He takes out a magnifying glass.) Take in the tiniest of attractions. (He looks at some ants moving around.) Marvel at the minute majesty of… the Ant-Critter Queendom. (We show the ants doing chores for the queen, eating food, talking on the phone, and riding a roller coaster.)
Tug: Truly delightful! Except at this time of day. (The sun comes out and reflects its rays on Branch’s magnifying glass, causing it to burn the ant home.)
Branch: (Dropping his magnifying glass) Aaah! Sorry! Sorry! (He tries to save the ant home by blowing it. This only causes some ants to jump.) Ah! Sorry! (Back in Troll Village, Tug is sulking at her business.) Tug, I’ve got! I’ve got it! You can do your next tour at… Fun Mountain!
Tug: (shrieks) We have a Fun Mountain?
Branch: No.
Tug: Oh. (She gets up.) I have to face the fun facts. It’s time for me to break the cardinal rule of tour-guidery… (gasps) … and cancel.
Branch: (gasps) No, Tug. I said I’d lend you a hand and that’s exactly what I’ll do.
Tug: But how, Branch? You’ve considered every tour location in the forest.
Branch: (sighs) Not every location. Get ready for an exciting new tour of… (Tug hosts her new tour at Branch’s bunker.)
Tug: Branch’s Bunker! (The crowd cheers and Poppy is shocked.)
Poppy: What?! Branch, you hate having people in your bunker.
Branch: Shh!
Tug: Curiosities around every corner. Wow. (She spins around.) And you’re sure it’s not a bother, Branch?
Branch: A bother? Are you kidding? (He makes a big smile.) I’m here to help.
Tug: You certainly are. (She hugs Branch.) Mm! We’re hugging, we’re hugging! (She releases Branch and talks to the crowd.) Prepare to be overwhelmed, underground. It’s Tug Duluth’s Adventures Fear Bunker Foray! (The crowd cheers again and a yellow male Troll opens the leaf gate.)
Troll #4: Yeah! Wahoo! (The crowd runs toward Branch’s bunker.)
Poppy: Branch?
Branch: It’s OK, Poppy. I know what you’re gonna say. That I’m a very private Troll, and that I’m inviting the entire village to parade through my bunker is a classic Branch freak-out waiting to happen. But I am a helpful Troll. I can do this.
Tug: (At Branch’s door) First fun fact of our tour: Branch has many entrances he keeps secret for fear that exposure will threaten security.
Branch: Wait, what? (Tug presses a button on a rock and it turns into a machine with many buttons and switches.)
All: Ooh! Wow! (Some doors with slides and elevators appear. Some Trolls cheer as they go down the slides. The rest go on the elevators while Guy Diamond watches.)
Guy Diamond: (Jumping onto a pole and sliding down it) Unrestricted access!
Branch: (Looking down the hole) I’m a helpful Troll. I can do this.
Poppy: I know.
Branch: I can do this.
Poppy: I know you can. Shh-shh.
Branch: I’m a helpful Troll. (Inside his bunker, he and Poppy watch Tug show the crowd one of his audio tapes.)
Tug: Branch’s audio journals provide an accurate account of his time alone.
Branch: Not the tapes!
Tug: (Putting the tape in the radio) Join me as we descend into he depths of boredom.
Branch’s Voice: I never realized how weird my name sounds. Branch. (The radio repeats his name two more times. The crowd laughs while Branch grunts. Next, Tug shows his rations.)
Tug: As you can see by Branch’s rations, the key to subterranean survival is effective food storage. Try a free sample with every tour.
Branch: Uh…
Keith: Yeah! Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! (He runs over to the jars.) Not chocolate. Not chocolate. (He finds a jar with brown stuff in it and takes a sample.) Ugh! Not chocolate! (He throws the jar in front of Branch and Poppy.)
Branch: (Starting to panic and holding his ears) I’m a helpful Troll! (Next, Tug shows something covered in a blanket.)
Tug: Directly in front of you, we come to Branch’s prized possession. (She uncovers Gary.) Gary, the remote control.
Branch: (gasps) Hold my hand! (He grabs Poppy’s hand.)
All: Ooh! (Two female Trolls laugh and press Gary’s buttons.)
Branch: I got to get out of here, or a classic Branch freak-out is gonna happen in 30 seconds! 29, 28, 27, 26... (Poppy gasps.)
Poppy: Well, then go, Branch! Just get out of here! (She pushes Branch ahead.)
Branch: ..25, 24, Elevator! (He runs toward the elevator, but a purple female Glitter Troll gets on it and leaves.) No! 20. Alternative exit! (He runs to a pole and climbs it.) 19.
Guy Diamond: (From above) Unrestricted access! (He lands on Branch and he rolls away from the pole.)
Branch: 16, 15. My safe room! It’s the only chance I have left! (He runs to a hand button and a plant scans his eye. After that, he goes through more doors.) 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2! (He opens the last door to find Keith with many empty bottles.)
Keith: Mm. Chocolate.
Branch: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (Tug and the Trolls find him covering his eyes.)
Tug: Hello, Branch.
Branch: (Uncovering his eyes) Hi, Tug.
Tug: Fun fact: That was really weird.
Branch: (sighs) I know. It was. I really wanted to help you out, but the truth is that I do get bothered by a lot of things. And this tour is just too much for me. (He covers his eyes again.)
Tug: Attention. A new attraction has just been added to today’s tour. On my right, you’ll see one of the kindest, most helpful friends I’ve ever had.
Branch: Huh? Me? But I failed you.
Tug: That statement is false. Everyone has their limits, Branch. You gave me everything you had. (She holds out her hand.) What more could I want from a friend? (Branch takes her hand and she helps him up.)
Poppy: She’s right, Branch. We may not ask you to do little stuff, but you never let us down when it matters.
Satin: That’s right. You saved us when we needed a fashion model.
Guy Diamond: And you helped me pitch the Farty Party to Sky Toronto.
Harper: You even discovered that imposter who was spying on the village. Whatever happened to that guy?
Troll #5: Oh, there is a question mark hanging over that.
Branch: Huh. Yeah, I guess I did.
Poppy: Well, technically, we both-
Branch: Bub-bup! Don’t ruin it. Thanks everybody. I guess I have come a long way since my bunker days. Thank you for reminding me. (The crowd cheers and a circle closes the screen for a moment, but Branch reopens it.) But you still have to leave. (He closes the circle again.)
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