Moppity Mop Mop

This is an updated version of a 2018 draft story I wrote. The content written here is purely satirical, not a good story, and not intended to be well-written.—StrawberryMaster
??? POV
Today, I learned that a mop is my new best friend! It's so exciting; my friend and co-worker Hypermop gifted it to me and I am absolutely loving it. I do everything with my mop now: I sleep, I eat, and I appreciate life with my mop. My rights are inside the mop. Without the mop, I am reduced into an aloof, speechless human body. Then I slowly shrink and transform into a corn cob. On the Internet, I become a robot. A robot who loves talking about his mop!
"Moppity mop mop", the mop says. "What are going to do, in this moppity beautiful day?"
"It's a wonderful day, and it'll be so fine," said the StrawberryMopster, aka SM. "As long as we follow the directions to the mysterious HHW gold mine!"
The two headed out of town and down the bumpy dirt road. The mop gave him directions: "We'll head to the right, every time we see a sign, with a picture of a mop on it - it's all well-defined!"
SM and the mop walked along, and their conversation was as interesting as the bumpy road. They talked about the difference between strawberry and non-strawberry mop heads, and the fact that the reason there are so many different kinds of mops is because mops are the only good job available in Hypothetical Hurrimop Wiki.
"We're almost there, friends! This whole landscape already reminds me of Firenze!" the mop said, as they walked through a narrow stream.
Eventually, they arrived at the gold mine. SM was thrilled.
"Thank you for the trip, little mop friend! I cannot express how much I appreciate it! Now, what shall we do first?" The mop was glad to hear it.
"Let's enter the mine first and check it out, then we can decide what to do!" SM and their new best friend entered the mine.
The mop loved it! There were so many exciting things to do! 
They decided to enter the mine's most secret room, the one where the gold was sealed.
This was so exciting! They would have to dig their way to the gold!
Then, they could sell the gold and buy more mops!
Then, they could buy more mops for the mop!
The mop was loving this! Who could ever feel this much excitement from literally trying to dig for gold?
The two worked furiously and dug with determination. Everyone knew what they had to do! Dig!
They dug for hours, and the hole they were creating was getting bigger and bigger. The mop was starting to get tired, but it kept going. It knew that the gold was just on the other side of the wall. Finally, after what felt like a billion years (or 30 minutes), the two found an opening in the giant hole they had now created. As the two entered it, they were amazed by what they saw.
"Yeezers! Mop, look what we've found!" SM said, happily. "It's another one of those birthday surprises from HHW!"
There were about a billion helium balloons, and the floor was covered in them. The walls had flashing blue lights and a giant cake with "Happy Birthday, SM!" written on it. There were several dozen candles on the cake, all shaped as mops!
"Oh my gosh! This is amazing!" the mop said, happily. "It's almost as if someone knew!"
SM loved the mop's genuine expression of joy for the surprise party. The mop looked at SM, and the mop gazed at the giant cake that was shaped like it. 
"We did it!" the mop said.
"Yeah, we sure did," SM agreed.
"Let's sing the Mop Song!" the mop yelled, then everyone started singing the famous "Mop Song". It was catchy, fun, and romantic - everyone loved singing the Mop Song.
"Moppity mop mop, moppity mop mop,
With you, moppity mop mop,
Wherever we go, we're gonna wipe our memories clean
And I'll never leave you, my dear... mop!
It's time for show and tell
Bring all the mops and ring the bell
Everyone here is living in hell
And I'm never leaving you, my dear... mop!
These mops are made for cleaning
And that's just what they'll do
One of these days these mops are gonna
Mop ALL of you! (insert menacing villain face here)
It's mopping time!
Moppity! Moppity! Moppity mop! Moppity! Moppity! Moppity mop...!"
The two sang and danced for hours, until the party was over. 
"Thanks for coming to my surprise birthday party, guys! I had a great time, and I appreciate all the mops you brought me," SM said. "Now, I think I'm going to bed - I'm tired from the day's activities."
"Hold on there, SM," the mop said. "We need to laugh like your average villain would! You know, that's moppity good."
"Laugh all you want, mop," SM said. "But I'm tired."
"Your loss," the mop replied, and proceed to laugh like a comic book villain. "Hahahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahaha! Haha! Ha! H-"
SM was just about to leave when they heard a strange noise. It sounded like the mop was laughing (it definitely was), but it was also... different. It was deeper and more sinister. He turned around and saw the mop, its eyes were glowing red, and its face was twisted in a wicked grin.
"What's wrong with you, mop?" SM asked. The mop didn't answer; it just kept laughing.
SM started to feel scared. He didn't know what was happening to the mop, but he knew it wasn't good.
"Stop it!" SM shouted. "What's wrong with you?"
But the mop didn't stop laughing. It just kept getting louder and louder. And SM was so scared that he didn't know what to do. He just stood there, frozen in fear.
"Welcome to the next level," the mop said, its voice dripping with malice.
And everything went black.