Wonka-Maggedon

Everything is back to normal, and this thing is going to become a reality once more.
BASED ON THE TRUE STORY OF THE EVENTS IN AREA 28, WHEN THE EVIL WILLY CIPHER - er - WILLY WONKA ARRIVED TO TORMENT THE SCP FOUNDATIONS' PERSONNEL AND TRANSFORM THEM INTO A LOYAL ARMY OF OOMPA LOOMPAS SO THAT HE AND HIS CHOCOLATE EMPIRE WILL RULE THE WORLD!
- Area 28, 11/28/2015 -
"OH MY FUCKING - CAN ALL OF YOU FUCKING CHEETOMEN JUST FUCKING CAN YOUR FUCKING CHEETO-STAINED FUCKING LIPS!" Dr. Drago screamed at the D Cell area. The terrible chatter coming from inside the cells came to a halt. Dr. Malfrous cowered behind Dr. Drago who seemed to have grown 4 times in height. "Uh, Drago?" Malfrous asked. "Yes?" Said Drago with a smile, shrinking back to his normal size."Uh, we have an UnAuthorized at Gate A. He says he's an old friend." 
The man in the purple suit, brown bear and moustache, and the purple banded top hat knocked on Gate A. "Ellllo? Mister Porcupine? Terrorist?" The man asked. Gate A opened and the man in the silly purple outfit walked through, holding a giant sack of chocolates. "What's with the huge sack?" Dr. Colms asked as the man walked past. "That's what sheee saaaid!" Said the man, stopping to do a silly air-humping dance after saying that. Colms growled and the man ran away in fright. It was the grand opening of Area 28, and a large party was held, half the Foundation attending. The man in the purple suit looked oddly out of place in the flash mob of personnel in white uniforms. "Please don't kill me, sir, I do not deserve to be stuffed into a suit!" Said one of them. The man ignored him and walked towards Drago and Malfrous. "May I make an announcements, good sirs? I see you have quite the party and I wish to top it off!" He said with a smile. Dr. Malfrous snorted. "Why should we?" The man took out a king-size chocolate bar, the largest chocolate bar Malfrous has ever seen. "Please do!" Shouted Malfrous, snatching the chocolate bar. Upon eating it, Malfrous cracked the bar in half, a white paste stuffed inside it. "Huh, funny." Malfrous said, continuing eating it. The man in the purple suit gave everyone one bar of chocolate, and told them not to eat them until told to do so.
The purple-suited man walked up the PA system.
"ATTENTION!"
He boomed.
"EACH OF YOU WILL FIND A BAR OF CHOCOLATE IN YOUR POSSESSION!"
Everyone examined their chocolate bars.
"YOU MAY NOW EAT THEM!"
They all ate the chocolate bars, giving groans of satisfaction and smiles, except for Young, who was barfing upon his shoes upon eating it.
"GOOOD! WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHAT YOU JUST ATE?"
"Semen?" A voice asked.
"NO! YOU HAVE EATEN..."
"YOU'RE DOOM!"
"u wot m9' 
Suddenly, the lights flickered off. Everyone began to feel drowsy, and suddenly, everyone began to hear the song....