The Army of Children

The Army of Children is the third episode of Full Server. In it, CartoonGuy and Granite start a fascist army of children.
==Transcript==
Whatever happened to predictability.
The milkman, the paperboy, evening tv?
How did I get to living here?
Somebody tell me please!
This old world's confusing me.
With clouds as mean as you've ever seen
Ain't a bird who knows your tune.
Then a little voice inside you Whispers,
Kid don't sell your dreams, so soon
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a heart (There's a heart), a hand to hold onto.
Everywhere you look, everywhere you go
There's a place, of Somebody who needs you
Everywhere you look.
When you're lost out there and you're all alone,
A light is waiting to carry you home.
Everywhere you look.
Everywhere you look.
[Episode starts with CartoonGuy drinking chocolate milk at an orphanage]
CartoonGuy: Ah, delicious. Well, I’d say this is the perfect place to start my empire of children!
Worker: An empire of children?
CartoonGuy: Yeah, I’ll be the next best dictator! Of children. I’m just like Mussolini!
[Laugh track because dictatorship.]
Worker: Sir, I don’t think we can give you children.
CartoonGuy: Very well then. [Pulls out a gun] I am going to kill you.
Worker: Ok ok, fine! You can get children.
CartoonGuy: Thank you. [Throws the gun at him, knocking him out] Now, which ones should I choose?
[He looks at a separated cage with an Elmo plush in it]
CartoonGuy: Perfect! May I get that one?
[CartoonGuy takes the Elmo plush]
Renaud: Let’s see what kid will be the lucky one today!
[The camera pans to the house.]
Zoltan: Are you ok, Pluto?
Pluto: I’ve just been kind of sad ever since my mom went on break with dad.
Zoltan: Pluto, there are struggling beautiful Polish women that are worse off than you.
[Laugh track. Granite and CartoonGuy walk in with 5 kids.]
Granite: Guess who got married?
Pluto: Wait what?
CartoonGuy: That’s right. Also, Pluto, you’re disowned.
[Laugh track.]
Pluto: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Zoltan: Wanna be my kid?
Pluto: Well, sure, I guess.
Zoltan: Yay!
Granite: What a very turn of events.
[In walks SpongeBot arguing with Prim.]
SpongeBot: You bastard.
Prim: It was one fucking time.
Zoltan: What happened here?
SpongeBot: I caught this bloody wanker watching Garfield.….ON PORNHUB!
[Laugh track.]
Prim: Look, I couldn’t find it anywhere!
SpongeBot: We’re done. I don’t want my kids around someone who goes on Pornhub to see John give Garfield a footlong.
CartoonGuy: BOT! Don’t say this stuff in front of my kids!
SpongeBot: Your WHAT?!
Granite: They’re my kids too.
SpongeBot: WHAT
[Peter walks in.]
Peter: Hi guys, Peter Griffin here. Have you guys seen this duck? It’s huge as fuck. Lemme tell you, this is better than the time I had an affair with PoopFan.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: Oh NO. WE’RE NOT DOING A FUCKING CUTAWAY.
Jasbre: Let go of me, you fat piece of shit.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: HEY! I AM NOT FAT! Am I, Prim?
[Cut to inside of Prim’s mind.]
Happy Prim: She’s our wife, guys. She’s beautiful.
Anger Prim: But she insulted us for watching Garfield porn. We must get her back.
Sadness Prim: But that will make her cry and if she cries, I cry.
Fear Prim: Maybe she will kill me!
Disgust Prim: Children, children. It is pretty obvious what we must do. Let me handle this.
[Cuts back to Prim.]
Prim: You’re a disgusting fat fuck.
[Laugh track]
SpongeBot: THAT’S IT!
Prim: Did I do it right?
SpongeBot: OUT!
Prim: But I-
SpongeBot: NOW!!
[Sad music plays while Prim packs his bags, with the audience crying]
Prim: Goodbye everyone. Tell Elmo 3 and uh.. what’s the other kid’s name again?
SpongeBot: I don’t fucking know. Bimbo or something.
Prim: Goodbye all. To Slovenia, I go!
[Prim exits the scene.]
Purple: Oh dear. It appears Prim has left.
SpongeBot: Wow, really?
[Laugh track]
Zoltan: Hey, Purple, now that Prim is gone maybe you need a new son. Do you want to adopt me?
Purple: I thought you were my father.
Zoltan: Well yeah, but being a son is easier than being a father.
Purple: Ah, I see. That makes perfect sense.
[Laugh track]
Jasbre: Can someone explain why I’m here again?
Aaron: You look nice.
Narrator: To this day, no one knows why Jasbre got there.
SpongeBot: Who the fuck is that?
[Laugh track because fourth wall break. CrazySponge walks in.]
CrazySponge: hello fellow people. i’m going to try and regain my God status. come on, Ned.
Aaron: You were sleeping with Ned?
Peter: Oh boy, this is more confusing than the time I went to North Korea.
SpongeBot: NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN!
[CartoonGuy walks in with 10 children]
CartoonGuy: Hey guys. Like my child army?
Aaron: I don't think this is the military, Ignacio.
[Laugh track.]
Kid #1: I want my mommy.
CartoonGuy: Your mom disowned you for shitting your pants.
Kid #1: o.
SpongeBot: What now?
[Granite enters.]
Granite: Hey CartoonGuy, look who I found in prison!
CartoonGuy: What a cute little girl!
Granite: Her name is Susan. She robbed a store.
CartoonGuy: How sweet!
Granite: Well yes, she stole candy.
CartoonGuy: Can she wield a gun in the name of self defense?
Granite: I guess.
CartoonGuy: Great. Now I will collect more babes.
Granite: Do you mean-
[CrazySponge appears out of nowhere.]
CrazySponge: so uh am i god now
Jasbre: What did you do?
CrazySponge: buy aaron with elli
Jasbre: WHAT? Well then I’m marrying him!
Aaron: What in the world are you two doing?
CrazySponge: not each other because I’M NOT GAY!!!
Jasbre: I just wanted to say that I love you Aaron.
Aaron: Why
Jasbre: Well you are at the top.
Aaron: Of course.
Jasbre: Will you marry me?
Tan: I EXIST TOO!
Aaron: [Pushes Tan out of the way and walks closer to Jasbre] What do you want now?
Jasbre: Uh… marriage?
Aaron: Jabba, Jasper, Judas, whatever your name is, I will not marry you.
Jasbre: But I like Weezer.
CrazySponge: get out of the way probably future son-in-law i am much better than you
Jasbre: I just want to be on the top with Aaron.
[Cuts to the writers of the show.]
Pluto: Are we truly this fucked up?
CartoonGuy: Yes.
Pluto: All good then.
[Laugh track.]
[Cuts back to the show.]
Aaron: Well I guess if I don’t marry you you will kill me so…
Jasbre: YAY!
[Laugh track.]
[CartoonGuy comes on the set with a train. A bunch of children walk out of it.]
CartoonGuy: 20 CHILDREN.
Granite: This isn’t gonna end well.
CartoonGuy: [Holds Granite’s hands] Granite, listen. We could be the rulers of something beautiful. I could be Hitler and you could be Goebbles. 
Kid #2: Father, I require nutrients.
CartoonGuy: Shut up, kid. I’m trying to have a moment here.
[laugh track]
Granite: I really don’t like the sound of that. Can we at least pick different people?
CartoonGuy: You gotta start them off young.
[laugh track]
Granite: Well okay then…
CartoonGuy: Repeat after me, kids. Mangiate merda puttane sporche.
Granite: I really don’t like where this is going.
CartoonGuy: Relax, bitch.
Kids: Mangiate merda puttane sporche!
CartoonGuy: GREAT!
Random mother: Baci tua madre con quella bocca?
[Laugh track because Italian.]
Granite: Do you have any idea what any of that means?
CartoonGuy: I’ll tell you when you get older.
Granite: But I’m already old enough to know!
CartoonGuy: Can you drink alcohol in the USA? Didn’t think so.
Granite: Fine. So what do we do now that these kids have said something that may or may not be ethnic slurs?
CartoonGuy: You give ‘em the old Italian father one-too. (Slaps one kid) You’re breakin’ ya mother’s heart.
[laugh track because Family Guy. We cut over to Bot and Zoltan’s wedding.]
Bot: Zoltan is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. I mean, listen to him.
Zoltan: I hate women.
Bot: He’s hilarious!
Jasbre: Nice, not sure why I have to do this, but I pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride.
Zoltan: sex
[laugh track]
Bot: Come on, let's kiss already.
[Audience cheers. Cuts to the first dance.]
Bot: Good thing I know enough dances from Fortnite to do this.
Zoltan: Can we stop doing the orange justice already?
Bot: (sighs) Jess would’ve loved to be here. The orange justice is her thing.
[CartoonGuy suddenly arrives with Granite and a lot of children]
CartoonGuy: Sorry I’m late Bot, I had to buy a bus that seats 513 kids.
Bot: WHAT THE FUCK CARTOONGUY?
Peter: Boy, this is like the time Stewie contracted mono.
Bot: NO IT FUCKING ISN’T! SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THOSE CUTAWAYS!
CartoonGuy: So what are we doing?
Zoltan: sex
[Laugh track because sex]
CartoonGuy: Anyways, I came to tell you that I’m declaring war on the Brazilian Army because they peed on my body pillow.
Zoltan: Was it a Scatman body pillow?
Peter: Ooh, I love me some scat!
Zoltan: die
[Laugh track]
CartoonGuy: So, I have to train all 513 kids plus Granite to defend the homeland.
Granite: CartoonGuy, I don’t wanna do it.
CartoonGuy: You have to. Or else I’ll send the kids to hunt you down. [phone rings] That must be the Brazilian Army [answer phone] Hello?
Einstein: So like, are we still up to fight tomorrow? 
CartoonGuy: Yeah, Guy Furry, we are.
Einstein: STOP CALLING ME THAT!
CartoonGuy: Hey you're the one who called yourself a furry.
[Laugh track]
Einstein: That’s it. First, we’re gonna tell our moms on you, and then bomb you.
CartoonGuy: Sounds awesome. Reminds me of my role model Mussolini.
[Laugh track]
Einstein: You’re so getting told on now. [hangs up]
CartoonGuy: Oh, Einstein cracks me up sometimes.
Granite: IGNACIO, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. THEY’RE GONNA BOMB THE FUCKING HOUSE!
CartoonGuy: Oh yeah right. Yeah this is bad.
Granite: We gotta do something, you jackass!
CartoonGuy: Call 9-1-1?
Granite: Fuck them cops, dude! They won’t care about some stupid bombing!
[Meanwhile…]
Police officer 1: I sure love diffusing bombs.
Police officer 2: You have some serious issues.
Police officer 1: Yeah I know, I’ll work on my fart fetish here in a little bit.
[Laugh track. Cut back to CartoonGuy and Granite pacing around the room.]
CartoonGuy: What am I going to do? I can’t defeat the Brazilian Military of three people!
[Aaron walks in with a plate with a roasted duck on it]
Aaron: Hey guys, dinner is ready.
Zoltan: I fucked your daughter.
Aaron: die
[Laugh track.]
CartoonGuy: Kids, we have to train!
Kid #3: But where?
[cut to CartoonGuy and the kids on the railroad]
[Laugh track because railroad.]
Kid #3: haha very funny
CartoonGuy: OK, everybody, let the training begin!
[train sounds are heard]
Kid #4: I don’t think this is safe.
[Laugh track because danger.]
[cut to Einstein and 2 other people in a giant factory]
Einstein: There is no way those idiots can defeat us, with you, FluentInEatingAss!
FluentInEatingAss: where am i
Einstein: Don’t worry about it, if you see some kids then just punch them.
[CartoonGuy, Granite and an army of children break into the factory]
Einstein: FLUENT ATTACK THEM!
[FluentInEatingAss punches a kid and 8 kids jump on him, killing him]
Einstein: FLUENT NO!!!
Granite: It will be easy to defeat you now.
Einstein: Hehehe… Well I still have one person… 
CartoonGuy: Who?
[Ace walks out of the shadows]
Ace: BOO!
[CartoonGuy slaps him]
Ace: Ouch! That really hurt! *sigh* Well, I'm gonna go back and play doki doki literature club. [walks out of the factory]
Einstein: NO! WHY!
CartoonGuy: Alright kids, KILL THE FURRY! [Laugh track.]
Einstein: NOOOOOO
[cut to PoopFan and CartoonGuy talking to each other]
CartoonGuy: And they killed him.
PoopFan: Wait, what happened to the kids?
CartoonGuy: They got better parents. I now only have 5.
PoopFan: That’s still a lot. Well I’m gonna be fucking your mom. [Laugh track.]
Zoltan: OH YEAH?! WELL I’M GONNA BE FUCKING YOUR WIFE’S MOM!
CartoonGuy: Oh right, we are related.
[Laugh track, then end credits. Cut to Prim arriving at Slovenia]
Prim: Ah yes, the wonderful country of Slovenia.
[end]
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