Deadpool/Transcript

( Angel of the Morning by Juice Newton plays, as we slowly drift out of a frozen car cigarette lighter, a screaming man has a burn mark on his forehead. Everything is frozen, 20th Century Fox presents, we drift through a lid of a coffee cup, the coffee cup reads “Rob L.” which the said coffee is spilling. In association with Marvel Entertainment, a hand fires a gun in an SUV that’s turned sideways. Some Douchebag’s Film, Starring God’s Perfect Idiot. As the opening credits appear, they disappear after an object appears to be floating, such as: a Sexiest Man Alive magazine that has Ryan Reynolds on the cover. A Hot Chick, A British Villain, a chain is tethered to a wallet that has Ryan Reynolds’s Green Lantern on a trading card coming out of it with some dollars on the side, a bloody man is seen, The Comic Relief. A business card named “Coda” is falling with the bloody man. A Moody Teen, as a gloved hand sticks out of a broken window. A Hello Kitty themed lotion dispenser is seen falling. A man is getting tea bagged by another man who’s in a red jumpsuit. A CGI Character He pokes the driver in the eyes, we see his katanas on his back that are formed in the shape of an X. A Gratuitous Cameo, a smoking bullet is floating, as we see the man’s face, he’s wearing a mask that has black large ovals and small white eye pieces with no mouth opening. He gives a motorcycle driver a wedgie. The motorcycle driver shoots his motorcycle and a chain is being whipped at his head. Produced by Asshats, as we drift out more, we see that the SUV and Motorcycle are both in the air in flames and ruins as it crashes on the road. Written by The Real Heroes Here. Directed by An Overpaid Tool. As we pull in on the last thing. A childish drawing of the man who is decapitating an another man with his katanas with blood on the drawing. The speech bubble reads, “Hi I’m Deadpool!” the drawing catches on fire, we zoom into it. Now we cut to the masked man, Deadpool in the backseat of a taxi. He grabs a pamphlet for “Haunted Segway Tours” and pockets it. Deadpool plays with the window, he sticks his hand out and makes sea waves shapes with it. Deadpool finds some gum on the ceiling, as he shakes it off his glove, it ricochets to the side, it lands on the camera lens, he slowly wipes it off. In the cockpit an Indian man is driving. Deadpool pops his head in startling the driver.)
Deadpool: I'm kinda lonesome back here. Little help...
Dopinder: Just... I have to keep my hands on the wheel.
Deadpool: Excuse me!
Dopinder: Dopinder.
Deadpool: Pool. Dead. Nice!
Dopinder: Smells good, no?
Deadpool: Not the daffodil daydream. The girl.
Dopinder: Yes. Gita. She is quite lovely. She would have made me a very agreeable wife. But… Gita's heart has been stolen by my cousin, Bandu. He is as dishonorable as he is attractive.
Deadpool: Dopinder, I'm starting to think there's a reason I'm in this cab today.
Dopinder: Yes, sir, you called for it, remember?
Deadpool: No, my slender, brown friend. Love is a beautiful thing. When you find it, the whole world tastes like daffodil daydream. So you gotta hold on to love. Tight! And never let go. Don't make the same mistakes I did, got it? Or else the whole world tastes like Mama June after hot yoga.
Dopinder: Sir, what does Ms. Mama June taste like?
Deadpool: Like two hobos fucking in a shoe filled with piss. I can go all day, Dopinder. The point is it's bad.
Dopinder: Why the fancy red suit, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: Oh, that's because it's Christmas Day, Dopinder, and I'm after someone on my naughty list. I've been waiting, 1 year, 3 weeks, 6 days and— (checks his Adventure Time watch) 14 minutes to make him fix what he did to me.
Dopinder: And what did he do to you, Mr. Pool?
Deadpool: This shit. (unmasks himself to show his disfigured face) Boo!
[?]
Ajax: They won't disappoint.
Man: They'd better not! What about next month's shipment?
Ajax: There won't be one. You're not the only one with a war to win.
Man: That won't do.
Ajax: See, we've had this small disruption to our supply trade. (grabs the man by the throat and holds him up) We'd appreciate your patience.
Man: Okay...
Ajax: We'll deliver in full the following month. (drops him) Pleasure doing business with you.
Man: Fucking mutant!
[?]
Deadpool: Shit! I forgot my ammo bag!
Dopinder: Shall we turn back?
Deadpool: No time. Fuck it. I got this. 9, 10, 11, 12 bullets. Or bust. Right here!
Dopinder: That's $27.50.
Deadpool: I never carry a wallet while I'm working. Ruins the lines of my suit. But how 'bout a crisp high-five?
Dopinder: Okay. (they high-five)
Deadpool: Merry Christmas! (leaves the cab)
Dopinder: And a convivial Tuesday and April to you, Pool!
[Cut to Deadpool sitting on the side of the road in a highway. He draws a picture of him killing Francis while listening and singing to Salt n Pepa's "Shoop" on his Walkman." He then notices the viewers.]
Deadpool: (to the viewers) Oh! Oh, hello! I know, right? Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie? I can't tell you, but it does rhyme with "Pulverine". And lemme tell you… He's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under! Anyway. I got places to be. A face to fix. And, oh! Bad guys to kill.
[He sees a car full of bad guys driving down the road. The same one from the opening credits.]
Deadpool: Maximum effort.
[?]
Deadpool: Cock shot!
[?]
Deadpool: Rich! Corinthian leather!
[?]
Deadpool: I'm looking for Francis! Have you seen this man?
[?]
Deadpool: Yanking, yanking!
[?]
Deadpool: I've never said this, but don't swallow.
[?]
Deadpool: Shit. Did I leave the stove on?
[The scene resumes in normal speed. The chain decapitates the biker. As the car tumbles, the thug is flung out of the car, splattering against a billboard. Soon, the car lands lopsided, causing traffic in the highway. Meanwhile, in the Charles Xavier School for Gifted Youngsters, Colossus is eating cereal when he hears a news report about the highway incident.]
News Reporter: (on TV) Now, breaking news. A multi-car collision turned shots fired on the crosstown expressway this morning. Gridlock has kept police from the scene. Residents are advised to remain in their homes. The assailant appears to be armed, dangerous, and wearing a...
Colossus: Red suit. Deadpool. Negasonic! Come. We have mission.
[In the hangar, as Colossus approaches the X-Jet, another mutant, Negasonic Teenage Warhead, joins him.]
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Colossus, wait up.
Colossus: I've given Deadpool every chance to join us. But he'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will he grow up and see benefits of becoming X-Man?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Which benefits, the matching unitards? The house that blows up every few years?
Colossus: Please. House blowing up builds character. You ate breakfast, yes? Breakfast is most important meal of day. (hands her a protein bar) Here. Protein bar. Good for bones. Deadpool may try to break yours.
[They both fly off in the X-Jet. Back on the highway, civilians scream and run away as thugs approach the wrecked car with guns. The window slides open and Deadpool peeks out.]
Deadpool: Hey!
[They open fire and he ducks down. They stop firing and approach.]
Deadpool: Wait! You may be wondering why the red suit. Well that's so bad guys can't see me bleed. (refers to one thug) This guy's got the right idea. He wore the brown pants. (they shoot at Deadpool) Fine! I only have 12 bullets, so you're gonna have to share! Let's count 'em down!
[?]
Deadpool: Shit, motherfucker! (fires one shot and misses) Ten! Shit. (fires another and misses) Nine! Fuck. (fires another and misses) Eight. Shit-fuck!
[?]
Deadpool: Bad Deadpool. (shoots a nearby thug) Seven. Good Deadpool!
[?]
Deadpool: Someone's not counting. (shoots the thug) Six!
[?]
Deadpool: Four... (shoots the thug) Gotcha! (groans as he gets up) Right up main street! (walks to the corpse and shoots it two more times) Three, two! Stupid! Worth it.
[?]
Deadpool: I'm touching myself tonight.
[He skips around the highway, searching for Francis.]
Deadpool: Francis! Francis!
What the shitbiscuit!
Where you at, Francis?
You're not Francis!
Really? Rolling up the sleeves?
[?]
Deadpool: (voiceover) You're probably thinking, "my boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the red suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kebab!" Well, I may be super. But I'm no hero. Anyhow, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is: a love story. And to tell it right, I gotta take you back to long before I squeeze this ass into red spandex.
[Cut to two years ago, where Gavin Merchant is speaking to a pizza delivery guy.]
Jeremy: Look, would it help if I slow it down for you? 
Gavin Merchant: I didn't order the pizza.
Jeremy: Is this 7348 Redledge Drive? Are you Mr. Merchant?
Gavin Merchant: The Mr. Merchant who didn't order the fucking pie!
Jeremy: Who placed the call?
Wade Wilson: (offscreen) I did!
Wade comes out of the bathroom.
Wade Wilson: Pineapple and olive? Sweet and salty!
Gavin Merchant: The fuck are you? The fuck are you doing in my crib?
Wade Wilson: (points his gun at the guy) Is that burnt crust? Don't move!
Jeremy: God, I hope not.
Gavin Merchant: Look, is this about that poker game? I told Howie… Just take whatever you want.
Wade Wilson: Thanks!
Jeremy: Sir, before you do anything to him, do you mind if I get a big tip?
Wade Wilson: Jeremy, is it? Wade Wilson.
Jeremy: Yeah.
Wade Wilson: That is a no go on the tip-aroo, Jer. I'm not here for him. I'm here for you.
Gavin Merchant: I dodged a big-time bullet on that one!
Wade Wilson: Not, out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kind of give it to me.
Gavin Merchant: Just look, man, can I have my---
Wade Wilson: I will shoot your fucking cat.
Gavin Merchant: I don't really know what that means, I don't have a cat.
Wade Wilson: Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in? Anywho… Tell me something. What situation isn't improved by pizza? Do you happen to know a Megan Orflosky? Get that right? Orflovsky? 'Cause she knows you. Jeremy… I belong to a group of guys who take a dime to beat a fella down. And little Megan, she's not made of money, but lucky for her, I got a soft spot.
Jeremy: I'm.....
Wade Wilson: A stalker. Threats hurt, Jer. Though not nearly as badly as serrated steel. So keep away from Megan. Cool?
Jeremy: Yes, sir.
Wade Wilson: And we're done.
Jeremy: Wait, we are?
Wade Wilson: Totally done. You should've seen your face!
Gavin Merchant: I didn't know what to do, I was so scared...
Wade Wilson: Soft spot, remember?
[He suddenly whacks the pizza box away and pins Jeremy to the wall.]
Wade Wilson: Even look in her general direction again and you will learn in the worst of ways that I have some hard spots, too. That came out wrong. Or did it?
[?]
Wade Wilson: Megan. You've heard the last of Jeremy. He's sorry.
Megan: No friggin' way.
Wade Wilson: Should've brought my roller blades. Show these kids how it's done. And that's why we do it. But mostly the money.
Girl: Hey. Think you can fuck up my step dad?
Wade Wilson: If I can give the guy a pavement facial, it's 'cause he's earned it.
Megan: Hey, wait. You're my hero.
Wade Wilson: No, no, no, no, no. That, I ain't. 
[?]
Deadpool: (voiceover) Nope. Never will be.
[?]
Fuck you, Wade.
Deadpool: (voiceover) I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys.
[?]
Welcome to Sister Margaret's.
It's like a job fair for mercenaries.
Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies except we knock out the teeth and take the cash.
You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.
(Buck! Liefeld.)
Hey, Wade!
Wade Wilson. Patron Saint of the Pitiful.
What can I do for you?
I'd love a blowjob.
Oh, God, me too.
The drink. With snuggle. But first...
Hey, I ain't taking any babysitting money, make sure that gets back to Miss...
Orlovsky?
You sure?
Hmm.
For a merc, you're pretty warm-blooded.
Bet you let the kid off easy, too.
He's not a bad kid. Just a little light stalking. I was way worse when I was his age, travelling to exotic places...
Baghdad, Mogadishu, Jacksonville, meeting new and exciting people. And then..
Killing them. Yeah, I've seen your instagram.
So what were special forces doing in Jacksonville?
That's classified. They have wonderful TGIFridays!
Alright, kahlua, baileys and whipped cream.
I give you, a blowjob. I'm---
Why do you make me make that?
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...
Take that over there to Buck, please and tell him it's from Booth. Little foreplay.
Remind me what good will come of this?
I don't take the shits, I just disturb them.
What you want?
Cheers. To your health.
Fuck you.
That's a new stool.
Stay the fuck down.
Alright, move, move, move, move.
Buck, go rest.
He's still breathing.
Nobody wins today. Nice try, Wade.
You got me. I picked Booth in the dead pool. Who did you pick?
You know, Wade, about that....
No. You did not bet on me to die.
You bet on me to die. Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend.
Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102.
And then die. At the city of Detroit.
Sorry. I wanted to win money.
I never win anything.
Whatever. Soldiers of fortune, drink's on me!
Yeah!
Domestic! Nothing imported.
Woah, woah, woah. Baby...
Are you sure you wanna shoot your whole wad?
Tight.
Vanessa.
Wade.
What's a nice place like you doing in a girl like this?
I'd hit that.
Buck, you'd best apologize before--- yeah. That.
Say the magic words, fat Gandalf.
I'm sorry.
Breathe through the nose.
I don't have a filter between my brain and my...
Okay, hey. Hakuna his tatas, he's sorry!
Get outta here. Go cast a spell.
Hey, hands off the merchandise.
Merchandise, huh. So you...
Fun fuzzies for money?
Yup.
Rough childhood?
Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.
Daddy left before I was conceived.
Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?
Where else do you put one out?
I was molested.
Me, too. Uncle.
Uncles. They took turns.
I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet which also happens to be my...
Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.
You had a dishwasher. I didn't even know sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball kegs, brownie mix and clown porn.
Who would do such a thing?
Hopefully, you. Later tonight?
What can I get for 275 dollars and a yogurt rewards card?
Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want.
And a low-fat dessert.
Did she just put a gift card in your mouth?
It's time to put balls in holes.
You said whatever I want.
Vanessa: I get it. You love ski ball. Apparently more than you love vagina.
That's a tough call.
I just wanna get to know the real you. Not the short-shorted 2-dimensional sex object peddled by Hollywood.
Balls in holes.
Prepare to lose tragically.
Bring it, big man.
A limited edition Voltron: Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.
Okay. Here you go.
I had this sucker for a while.
And I will take the pencil eraser.
Okay.
You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus.
And you, can erase stuff. Written in pencil.
Milady.
I hate to break it to you, but your 48 minutes are up.
How many more minutes could I get for this?
FYI, 5 mini lion bots come
together to form 1 superbot.
5 mini lion bots? 3 minutes.
Deal. What do we do with the remaining 2:37?
Cuddle?
How long can we keep this up?
All year?
Happy Valentines' Day.
Happy Chinese New Year.
Year of the Dog.
Relax... and happy International Women's Day.
Happy Lenten.
Wade!
Sorry. Happy Halloween!
Happy Thanksgiving.
I love you.
If your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas...
Can I visit you between the holidays?
That sweater is terrible!
But red looks good on you.
Red's your color. Mine's like the bloodshot in your eyes.
Listen. I've been thinking.
Really?
'Bout why we're so good together.
Why is that?
Your crazy matches my crazy. Big time.
And we're like 2 jigsaw pieces. Weird curvy edges?
You put them together and you can see the picture on top.
Right.
Wade... There's something I've been meaning to ask you.
But only because you haven't gotten around to asking me.
Will you...
Stick it up my---
...Marry me?
Uh... Jinx?
Where were you hiding that?
Nowhere.
They said 1-month salary, so ...
You mean...
I do.
That's my line.
I love you, Wade Wilson.
You're supposed to... So that's a...
Yes!
Woo! Yes!
I feel just like a little girl!
What if I just held on and never let go?
Just ride the bitch's back like Yoda on Luke.
Star Wars jokes!
Empire!
Jesus Christ, it's like I made you in a computer!
Perfect.
Pee break. Shake it, yeah.
Deadpool: (voiceover) Here's the thing: Life is an endless series of train wrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return, to our regularly scheduled programme.
What the fu.....
Oh my God, Wade!
You're clowning. You're not clowning. I sense clowns.
People react to news of late-stage cancer differently.
There are certainly options we can look into.
New drugs are being developed every day.
So what do we do? Surely, there is something we can do.
My Uncle Ivan was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer and there were all these experimental drugs from Germany...
Vanessa's already working on plan A, B, all the way through Z.
Me? I'm memorizing the details of her face. Like it's the first time I'm seeing it.
Or the last...
Mr. Wilson, Mr. Wilson?
Take your time to process this. It's important not to do anything rash.
[?]
Deadpool: Now, if I were a 200 pound sack of assholes named Francis, where would I hide?
[?]
Deadpool: "A hush falls over the crowd as rookie sensation Wade W. Wilson out of Regina, Saskatchewan, lines up the shot. His form looks good. And that's why Regina rhymes with fun. Ladies and gentlemen, what you're witnessing is sweet, dick-kicking revenge! Giving him the business! Incoming! This is taking unsportsman-like conduct to a whole new level!" Looking good, Francis. Well-rested. Like you've been pitching, not catching. Ringing any bells? No? (lifts part of his mask to show his mouth) How 'bout now?
Ajax: Wade fucking Wilson. Well, hello, gorgeous.
Deadpool: Yeah, like I got bit by a radioactive Shar Pei. And whose fault is that, huh, Francis? Time to undo what you did to this butter face.
Ajax: You should thank me. Apparently, I've made you immortal. I'm actually quite jealous.
Deadpool: Yeah, but this ain't a life worth living, is it? Now… I'm about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90's.
[He prepares to punch him, but his fist hits the metal crotch of Colossus, who’s standing behind him.]
Deadpool: Dad?
[Colossus grabs Deadpool and throws him. The scene freezes for a moment.]
Deadpool: (voiceover) I think we can all agree that shit just went sideways in the most colossal way.
[Cut to an action figure of the infamous Deadpool from X-Men Origins: Wolverine.]
Deadpool: (voiceover) Well, maybe not the most. Now this, is my most prized possession.
[Wade sweeps the toy away to show the WHAM! Make It Big Album to Vanessa.]
Vanessa: Wham?
Wade Wilson: No, no, no, no. WHAM! Make It Big is the album that George and Andy earned the exclamation point.
So, am I supposed to just smile and wave you out the door?
Think of it like spring cleaning.
Only if spring was death.
God, if I had a nickel for everytime I spanked at the Bernadette Peters.
Sounds like you have. Bernadette is not going
anywhere, because you're not going anywhere.
Drink.
You're right.
Cancer's only in my liver, lungs, prostate and brain. All things I can live without.
You belong here at home. Surrounded by your Voltron, and your Bernadette and your me.
Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit show.
Not a good one, like Slapchop, more Shakeweighty.
The world needs extraordinary soldiers.
We won't just make you better.
We will make you better than better.
A superhero.
Look, Agent Smith, I tried the hero business and it left a mark.
But if I ever hit fuck-it, I'll look you up.
Oh. Shit.
We're within 500 yards of the school.
So you may wanna, you know...
His drink's on him.
What'd he say?
Hey, what's going on?
Hey, sorry. I had a Liam Neeson nightmare. I dreamt I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it. They made 3 of those movies. At some point, you'd have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.
The worst part about cancer isn't what it does to you.
But what it does to the people you love.
Who knew if this guy could save my life? But I knew there's only one way that I could save hers.
Isn't that what superheroes do?
[We go back to Deadpool as he’s thrown by Colossus.]
Deadpool: Okay. Let's pro/con this superhero thing. (hits a nearby car) Pro: they pull down a gaggle of ass, local dry-cleaning discounts, lucrative film deals, both origin stories and larger, ensemble team movies. Con: they're all lame-ass teacher's pets!
Colossus: You know I can hear you.
Deadpool: Wasn't talking to you. (refers to the viewers) I was talking to them.
Colossus: (to Ajax) Stay right here. (to Deadpool) You've been warned before, Deadpool. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will both be coming with us.
Deadpool: Look Colossus, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now. (to NTW) And you are?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Negasonic Teenage Warhead.
Deadpool: Negasonic Teenage— What the shit?! That's the coolest name ever! So what, you're like his sidekick?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: No. Trainee.
Deadpool:  Let me guess, X-Men left you behind on what, shit detail?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: What does that make you?
Deadpool: Pretending you're not here, Negasonic Teenage Warhead. Can we trade names?
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Can we go?
Deadpool: "Look! I'm a teenage girl! I'd rather be anywhere than here. I'm all about long, sullen silences, followed by mean comments, followed by more silences." So what's it gonna be? Long, sullen silence? Or mean comment? Go on.
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: (then) You got me in a box here.
Deadpool: Aha!
Colossus: We can't allow this, Deadpool. Please, come quietly.
Deadpool: You big, chrome cockgobbler!
Colossus: That's not nice.
Deadpool: You really got to fuck this up for me? Trust me… That wheezing bag of dick-tits has it coming! He's pure evil! Besides, nobody's getting hurt.
[The dead thug falls off the billboard.]
Deadpool: That guy was already up there when I got here.
Colossus: Wade, you are better than this. Join us, use your powers for good.
Deadpool: Heads up!
Colossus: Be a superhero.
Deadpool: Listen! The day I decide to be a crime-fighting shit-swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners, at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, heaven's gate looking motherfucker, on that day, I'll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request. But until then, I'mma do what I came here to do. Either that, or slap the bitch out of you!
Colossus: Wade…
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Hey.
Deadpool: Zip it, Sinead!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Hey, Douchepool!
Deadpool: (to Ajax) And I hope you're watching...
[Unfortunately, Ajax has escaped on his motorcycle. Deadpool gasps dramatically.]
Colossus: Quite unfortunate.
[Deadpool looks back and forth between Ajax's spot and Colossus before getting mad.]
Deadpool: That does it!
[He throws his right fist at Colossus, but it does no damage except break his fist.]
Deadpool: Oh! Ohhhh. Canada! That's not good. 
Colossus: Wade, please.
Deadpool: Cock shot!
[He throws another fist at Colossus, but it breaks upon impact.]
Deadpool: Oh, your poor wife!
Colossus: You really should stop.
Deadpool: All the dinosaurs fear the T-Rex. I promise this gets worse for you, big boy!
Colossus: This is embarassing. Please. Stay down.
Deadpool: Did you ever hear of the one-legged man in the ass-kicking contest?
Colossus: Do you have 'off' switch?
Deadpool: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the 'on' switch?
Colossus: Enough!
[He whacks Deadpool aside, knocking him down for a bit.]
Colossus: Let us go talk to the Professor.
Deadpool: McAvoy or Stewart? These timelines are so confusing… Dead or alive, you're coming with me!
Colossus: You will recover, Wade. You always do.
Deadpool: Did you ever see "127 Hours"? Spoiler alert!
Oh my God. Nasty.
Oh, there's the money shot, baby. Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret.
Rock, meet bottom.
When life ends up breathtakingly fucked, you can generally trace it back to one big, bad decision.
The one that sent you down the road to Shitsburg.
This, well, this was mine.
Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's.
You've finally hit fuck-it.
Just promise you'll do right by me.
So I can do right by someone else.
Of course.
And please don't make the super-suit green. Or animated!
This place seems sanitary.
My first request is warmer hands.
And Jesus! A warmer table.
You should really come up with a safe word, fellas. I'm thinking 'pork and beans'.
Easy!
Aren't you a little strong for a lady?
I'm calling Wang.
What's up with the matches?
Oral fixation? Or just a big Stallone fan?
Patience, Angel. All in good time.
Are you here for the turn down service or what?
We have another talker.
I'm just excited about my first day at superhero camp.
Shut the fuck up.
Ajax: Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax. I manage this workshop. All of my welcome speeches used to be filled with euphemisms like, "this may hurt a little," or "this might cause you some discomfort." But I'm going blunt. This workshop is not a government-led program. It's a private institution that turns reclamation projects like yourself into men of....
Extraordinary abilities.
But if you think superhuman powers are acquired painlessly... Wrong.
I'm injecting you with a serum that activates any mutant genes lurking in your DNA.
For it to work, we need to subject you to extreme stress.
You've heard the whole, "make an omelet, break some eggs" bit, I hope.
I'm about to hurt you, Wade. I was a patient here once myself, you know.
The treatment affects everyone differently.
It made Angel inhumanly strong.
In my case, it enhanced my reflexes, also scorched my nerve endings so I no longer feel pain.
And in fact, I no longer feel anything.
Thank-- thank you! You have something in your teeth.
Right in the middle there, just...
Nugget of romaine lettuce or something.
It's been bothering me for a long time.
Made you look. Hey, is Ajax your actual name, because it sounds suspiciously made up.
What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott?
Mitch? Rickster? Is it Basil Faulty?
Ajax: Joke away. One thing that never survives this place is your sense of humor.
We'll see about that.
I suppose we will.
He's all yours.
Wade Wilson: C'mon. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less angry Rosie O'Donnell?
[Angel punches him out and Wade is subjected to experiments while "Mr. Sandman" plays.]
Ajax: This is how it's going to work. Adrenaline acts as a catalyst for the serum, so we're gonna have to make you suffer. If you're lucky, your mutant genes will activate and manifest in a spectacular fashion. If not, well, we'll have to keep on hurting you. In new and different ways, each more painful than the last. Until you finally mutate… or die.
You mean like a bucket list?
Like a fuck it list, I'd like to light a spiff off the Olympic torch.
Acid to me, right after.
Let's not forget: naked tandem base-jumping with the WNBA's Sacramento Monarchs.
Anything on my bucket list would involve public nudity.
Finally, giving Meredith Baxter Birney a dutch oven.
No, receiving a dutch oven from Meredith Baxter Birney.
Making banana pancakes... For my kids...
Vanessa...
I wanna see Vanessa.
Oh, lovely. I don't know about anyone else but, I'm touched.
We're just joking.
No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions.
Wouldn't want you giving up on us now, would we?
Hey, don't take any shit from him,
Cunningham. How tough can he be...
...with a name like Francis?
Francis?
It's his legal name. He got Ajax from a dish soap.
F-R-A-N-C-I--- oops!
Snagged the dry cleaning tag off your lab coat.
FYI, I can probably get you a superhero discount.
Ajax: You are so relentlessly annoying.
Wade Wilson: Thanks. Never heard that before.
Ajax: Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up? Or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.
Wade Wilson: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. See, here's the problem with round-the-clock torture, it's that you can't really step it up from there.
Is that what you think?
If this doesn't unlock your mutation, then, well, nothing will.
What we're gonna do is lower the oxygen concentration in the air to the exact point you feel like you're suffocating.
If your brain wave's slowing and you're about to pass out, then we'll turn up the O2.
If your heart rate slows meaning you're able to catch your breath, we'll turn it back down.
And that's where we'll leave you. Right there.
I thought you guys were dicks before...
You know the funniest part of this?
You still think we're making you a superhero.
You? A dishonorable discharge?
Hip deep in hookers?
You're nothing. A little secret, Wade...
This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make superslaves.
We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder.
And that's what they'll have you doing. Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters.
Maybe just mow the occasional lawn.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're never going home after this. Now there's a brave face.
Wait, wait, wait...
Seriously, you actually have something in your teeth now.
Enjoy your weekend.
Weekend? Back up, weekend?
Deadpool: (voiceover) Did I say this was a love story? No. It's a horror movie.
Fucking hell! Looks like someone lost a shot at homecoming king.
What have you done to me?
I've mainly raised your stress levels high enough to trigger a mutation.
You sadistic fuck!
I've cured you, Wade.
Now your mutated cells can heal anything.
Striking your cancer as fast as it can form.
Yeah, I've seen some other side effects before... I could cure them.
But where's the fun in that?
Now I'm gonna shut you in again, Wade.
Not because I need to.
Because I want to.
Farewell. Go ahead.
You already smell like shit.
Motherfucker...
That's alright, it's alright...
I think we have earned that one.
You take off. Go on, off you go.
Quick question:
What's my name?
Didn't think so.
Sorry, Francis. My lips are sealed.
You don't wanna kill me. I'm the only one who can fix your ugly mug!
What's my name?
Wade...
I didn't just get the cure to el cancer...
I got the cure to el everything.
But there was only one thing that really mattered.
No way. I'm not making her life as ugly as mine.
Come on, Wade, it can't be that bad.
Bullshit! I'm a monster inside now.
I belong in a fucking circus.
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you--- Oh!
Do you like what you see?
No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.
Not gently. He was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was their only catharsis without violence.
And the only guy who can fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone--- Poof!
You gotta do something to remedy this. 'Cause as of now, you only have one course of action:
Damn straight. Find Francis.
Star in horror fims.
What?
Star in your own horror films.
'Cause you look like Freddy Krueger face- fucked a topographical map of Utah.
Here's what I'm actually gonna do: I'm gonna work thru his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, put a bullet in his skull, and fuck the brainhole.
I don't wanna see that, or think of it again. But, the douchebag does think you're dead, right?
Yeah.
That's good. You should keep it that way.
What, like, wear a mask?
Yes, a very thick mask. All the time. I'm sorry, you're haunting.
Your face is the stuff of nightmares.
Like a testicle with teeth.
You will die alone. I mean if you could die. Ideally. For others' sake.
That'll do.
What you need now is a suit and a nickname, like Wade the Wisecracker...
...or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie. Oh, shit.
Wade Wilson: What?
Weasel: I put all my money on you, and now I just realized I'm never gonna win the....
Wade Wilson: Deadpool...
Captain Deadpool.
No. Just-just Deadpool. Yeah.
To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fuckin' franchise.
This shit's gonna have nuts in it!
Where's Francis?
Seltzer water and lemon for blood. Or wear red. Dumbass!
Don't make me ask twice.
Where is Francis?
He made me ask twice.
Is the mask muffling my voice?
You're about to be killed by a Zamboni!
No, please...
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
Little spider-monkey!
This is confusing! Is it sexist to hit you, is it more sexist to not hit you, the line gets real blurry!
¿Dónde está Francesca?
Tell me where your fucking boss is!
Or you're gonna die! In 5 minutes!
Deadpool: Nice to see you, Jared. I'll take a foot long. Fully loaded.
[?]
Deadpool: 41 confirmed kills. Now it's 89, about to be 90.
Recruiter: Mr. Wilson? You're looking very alive.
Deadpool: Hah! Only on the outside.
Recruiter: This is not going to end---
Deadpool: This is not gonna end well for you, no. Where's your boss?
Recruiter: I can tell you exactly where---
Deadpool: You'll tell me. (to the viewers) But first, you might wanna look away for this. (turns the camera away) Now this little piggy went to…
[We hear something snap, followed by the recruiter’s scream of agony. Nearby people gasp in horror. Cut to Deadpool stabbing a knife on a picture of the recruiter on the board.]
Deadpool: Thank you, Agent Smith.
[?]
Taxi!
Hop in! Great day for a ride.
And we all know
how this turned out.
Whoops! You weren't
meant to see that.
There. All caught up.
Sorry! About bleeding at all your garbage.
Seltzer water and lemon for blood.
Some kinds of anger can't be managed.
Like the kind where your year-long plan
ends with the wrong guy getting dismembered!
That said, when it comes time to licking
wounds, there's no place like home.
Morning, sleepyhead.
It smells like old lady pants in here.
Yes I'm old, I wear pants.
But you're no lady.
Oh, so comfy.
Upside of being blind, I've never seen you in crocs.
You mean my big, rubber, masturbating shoes?
Yes I know. Downside of being blind,
I hear everything in this duplex.
Sit on a stick.
Bactine?
Bactine should do it.
How's that () coming along? Ikea
doesn't assemble itself, you know.
You're telling me. I don't mind the ().
It's an improvement on the ().
Anything's an improvement over the ().
I'd taken an () or a () over the ().
No, I didn't get
excited 'till I saw ().
Screw, please.
Here? Now? Just kidding. I know it's been decades.
You'd be surprised.
Pretty grossed out.
Ta------da...
I wish I never heard, of Craigslist.
And I quote, "Looking for roommate, blind, and likes imperfections. Must be good with hands." Or would you rather I build the Ikea and you pay rent?
Why such a douche this morning?
Let's recap: The cock-fizzle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today.
Arm.
Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super-sexy ex back and prevent this from happening to someone else.
So yeah, today was about as
much fun as a sandpaper dildo.
#drive-by.
Found out who our friend in the red suit is.
Fucking Wade Wilson. Suppose I'd wear a mask, too, if I had a face like that.
I only wish I'd heal the same.
Still, we'll put him out of our misery. On our terms.
Right. And when he heals?
He can't. Not if there's nothing left of him to heal.
You know, it's funny. I almost missed the fucker.
I like a challenge. But he's bad
for business. Now let's go find him.
Tylenol PM?
It sticks back where you stuck the Bactine.
I raided my stash of wisdom just to take a sec
and I am orbiting fucking Saturn right now.
But I appreciate the gesture.
Am I crazy? Or is your hand really small?
About the size of a KFC spork.
I get why you're so pissy, but your mood's never gonna brighten 'till you find this woman and tell her how you feel.
What do I keep telling you, Mrs. Magoo? She wouldn't have me. If you could see me, you'd understand.
Looks aren't everything.
Looks are everything! Ever heard David Beckham speak?
It's like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?
Love is blind, Wade.
No...
You're blind.
So you're just gonna lie there and whimper?
No, I'm gonna wait 'till this arm plows through puberty and then I'll come up with a whole, new Christmas day plan.
In the meantime, you might wanna leave the room. I bet it feels huge in this hand.
Go, go, go, go, go...
So the doctor says, the bad news is you don't have
that long to live. So the patient says, how long do I have?
The doctor says, five.
The guys says, five what?
The doctor says, 4, 3, 2...
Can I help you ladies?
Oh, I do hope so.
Now, I heard you might be able to point me in the direction of a, a friend of mine.
Name of Wade Wilson.
Sorry, I don't know the name.
Hey, you're not supposed to be behind the bar.
I've seen this girl.
This must be Vanessa. I've heard so much about you.
Sweetheart, you might wanna look around. This isn't really the place to do something like that.
Easy, Angel. Put the little man down.
We have everything we need now.
You sure?
You don't want any clothes that are not monochromatic?
There's a midnight showing of Blade II.
Thanks for having my back, guys.
Wade, we have a fucking problem, and by we, I mean you.
I can't believe we're doing this. Is there a word for half-afraid, half-angry?
"Afrangry", I guess. Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?
Fuck me!
Maybe not start with that.
Stan Lee: Hey, coming on to our stage right now, give it up for Chastity!
Or as I like to call her, Irony.
I gotta find her fast, before numb nuts does.
How do you know she's in here?
Some customer stalking that fox.
Every time I see her, it's like the first time.
Especially from this angle.
You can't buy love, but you can rent it for three minutes.
You weak motherfucker!
C'mon. Get it together, this isn't about you, this is about Vanessa.
Here we go.
Maximum effort.
Vanessa!
Someone out back asking for you.
Something about... an old boyfriend?
I knew it was you. 'Cause we're weird curvy edges.
Like a jigsaw puzzle.
You have Wade Wilson to thank for this.
Hey, where did she go?
I saw her head to the back. Go get her, tiger.
Motherfucker!
Wade, Wade, Wade, Wade...
Cunt! Chocolate---
Jiminy---- Fuck! Fuck!
We can talk... or you can hit that...
Whoa! Whoa!
Relax, relax. Okay...
I'm gonna rip his motherfucking-- find
that, find it, or I'm gonna get angry.
Here, this is Vanessa.
No, wait, it's Francis.
He wants you to come to him.
What is that?
That's the shit emoji. It's the turd with the smiling face and
the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.
I need guns.
Okay, which ones?
I need all the guns!
All right, okay.
That's about 3000 rounds.
And we all know what I can do with 12.
Hey, hey, careful with that,
Ronnie Milsap, we're downrange.
I was gonna spend the night assembling
the () but this is holding my interest.
I told you, we're going with the (), not the (), get it thru your head or get outta Fucktown!
Shit.
That's all the pieces in the house.
No, no, no, come on. Let's go. Cough it up.
Down, down, down, down.
Fuck you.
25 cal. I like it.
Wade...
I'd go with you, but...
I don't wanna.
Oh, listen, Al...
If I never see you again, I want you
to know that I love you very much.
And also, there's about 116 kilos of cocaine buried somewhere
in the apartment, right next to the cure for blindness.
Good luck.
You wanna get fucked up?
Put her down over here.
Go on, then.
Thanks, dickless. And I mean you.
You're a talker, too. You and Wade.
I've been trying to tell you assholes you got the wrong girl. My old boyfriend, he's dead.
See, I thought that, too. But he keeps on coming back. Like a cockroach, but uglier.
Now, I may not feel, but he does. Let's see how he fights with your head on the block.
Deadpool: Ripley! From Alien 3!
Negasonic Teenage Warhead: Fuck, you're old.
Deadpool: Fake laugh! Hiding real pain! Go get Silver balls.
You guys going for a bite? Early bird special?
Like there's something wrong with eating before sundown or saving money. No.
You know that bad guy that you let go? He's got my girl.
You're gonna help me get her back.
Wade? Is that you?
Yeah, it's me Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can't refuse!
I'm gonna wait out here, okay? It's a big house!
It's funny that I only ever see 2 of you. It’s almost like, the studio couldn't afford another X-Man.
And that, is why in my opinion, the movie, Cocoon, is pure pornography.
Who brought this twinkly man?
Twinkly, but deadly.
My chrome-penised friend back there, has agreed to do me this solid. In exchange, I said I would consider joining his boy band.
It's not boy band.
Sure, it's not.
So, any luck winning Gita back?
I tried to hold on tight, Mr. Pool, but Bandu is more craftier and handsomer than me.
Well, I think you're pretty darn cute.
Dopinder?
Hmm?
What was that?
That was........ Bandu, in the trunk?
Ban-who?
My romantic rival, Bandu.
He's tied up in the trunk. I'm doing as you said, DP, I plan to gut him like a tandoori fish then dump his carcass on Gita's doorstep.
I did not tell him to do that! Absolutely not! We got lost in translation!
Dopinder, this is no way to win Gita's heart back! (I'm so proud of you.)
Drop Bandu off safe and gentle-like. (Kill him.)
And then, win Gita back the old-fashioned way, with your boyish charm! (Kidnap her.)
He's super dead.
I presume a crisp high-five?
For you? Ten!
Okay, guys, let's get out there and make a difference! (You know what to do.)
Knock 'em dead, pool boy!
Time to make the
chimi-fucking-changas.
Not often a dude ruins your face, skullstomps your sanity, grabs your baby mama and personally sees thru 4 of your 5 shittiest moments.
Let's just say it's beginning
to look a lot like Christmas.
Hey, where's your duffel bag?
Goddammit! We'll do this the old-
fashioned way. With two swords..
... and maximum effort.
Cue the music.
Wade Wilson!
What's my name?
Ooh, I'mma fucking spell it out for 'ya.
Go get some.
Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing, wait for it!
Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees. Totally impractical, they all do it.
You're a lovely lady but I'm saving myself for Francis. That's why I brought him.
I'd prefer not to hit a woman, so please----
I mean, that's why I brought her?
Oh no. Finish your tweet. Just give us a second. Here you go. Hash tag it.
Go get her, tiger.
I so pity the dude who pressures her into prom sex.
Alright then. Fire!
Finish fucking her the fuck off!
Colossus: Language, please.
Deadpool: Suck a cock!
Look away, child. Look away!
Wait! Wait!
Cease fire! Cease fire!
Fellas, hey, you only work for that shit-spackled Muppet fart.
So, I'mma give you a chance for y'all to lay down your firearms
in exchange for preferential, bordering on gentle, possibly… even lover-like treatment.
Fine! Commando!
Teabag!
Bob?
Bob: Wade?
Oh my God, I haven't seen you since, TGIFridays!
Jacksonville. Fridays.
What the hell! God!
Come here, you.
How are the kids? Good? And Gail, is she still fixing that tuna casserole? It's so good, but bad for...
Your... on the left... You are beautiful...
That is so sweet! Thanks!
Does he write you notes, too? He's such a romantic.
Don't worry, baby. I'm coming.
Fire!
Hey! Climb on.
Motherfucker shoulda worn his brown pants.
You were right, beautiful.
Red really is my color.
Wade?
Don't worry, baby. I'mma get you outta that shitbox.
What better way to crawl back inside that head of yours.
Oh, you never left.
But you did, asshole!
Deep breath, darling.
No wait.... Wrong
choice of words.
Well I hope they've blocked pain to your
every last nerve. 'Cause I'mma go looking!
I hear you grow back body parts now, Wade.
When I'm finished, what's left to grow back you?
Good one.... Yup.
That was a good one.
Let's dance. And by "dance", I
mean let's try to kill each other.
- Fine. Fists.
Sounds like your last Saturday night.
Asshole!
Hang in there, baby. I got you.
Wade!
I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.
Shit, shit, shit!
Don't worry! I'm totally on top of this.
Dammit! Maximum effort!
Thanks.
Just take it slow.
Oh, my God! That was so awe---
Me and you, are headed to fix this butterface!
What?
You sure are a fucking idiot.
Did you really think there was a cure for that?
What?
You heard me.
No, no!
So, you mean to say...
After all this, you can't fix me?
It sounds even stupider when you say it.
Like the kind of stupid who admits he can't do the one thing I'm keeping him alive for?
Any last words?
What's my name?
Who fucking cares!
Wade!
Four or five moments.
I'm sorry?
Four or five moments, that's all it takes.
To...?
Be a hero.
Everyone thinks it's a full-time job. Wake up a hero.
Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true.
Over a lifetime, there are only 4
or 5 moments that really matter.
Moments when you're offered a choice.
To make a sacrifice, conquer
a flaw, save a friend… spare an enemy.
In these moments, everything else falls away.
The way the world sees us.
The way we---
What the fuck am I gonna tell her?
Well, you better figure it out.
I can't even tell you... I deserve that...
that too.. No, no, no, maybe not the nethers.
Start talking!
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for leaving,
I'm sorry for not cowboying up sooner...
It's been a rough couple of years.
Rough?
I live in a crackhouse.
With a family of 12...
Every night we spoon for warmth, everybody fights for Noelle. She's the fattest.
There is nothing that we don't share.
Floor space, dental floss, even condoms.
So you live in a house?
I should've come
and found you sooner.
But everything under this mask,
he ain't the same one you remember.
You made this mask?
And this one. In case
the other fell off.
Like a band-aid. Just... Audi 5000.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you sure?
I'm sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
Hey...
After a brief adjustment period, and a bunch of drinks..
It's a face...
I'd be happy to sit on.
But I'm not the same underneath
this suit either. Super-penis.
Come on, Wade, language.
Young one is present.
What are you still doing ---- Get outta here, go make yourself useful. You, go be a really big brother to someone. Tell Beast to stop shitting on my lawn. And you, chicken noodle. Nothing Compares 2 U. Sinead O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.
That's all right. You're cool.
What in the ass?
That was not mean! I'm proud of you!
We will make an X-Man of you yet, Wade.
You know, for a second there, it felt like we were 3 mini lion robots coming together to form one super robot.
This was stupid.
Yeah.
And now, for the moment I've all been waiting for.
Come here.
WHAM! As promised.
[?]
Deadpool: (voiceover) See? You don't need to be a superhero to get the girl. The right girl will bring out the hero in you. Now, let's finish this epic wide shot. Pull out. There we go, that looks nice. That's gonna be about the only thing that's pulling out tonight. Who doesn't love a happy ending, huh? 'Til next time, this is your friendly neighborhood pool guy singin'... (sings) I'm never gonna dance again the way I danced with you.
[Fade to black. Roll credits. After the credits, we come to a scene reminiscent of the after-credits scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.]
Deadpool: (to the viewers) You're still here? It's over. Go home. Oh, you're expecting a teaser for Deadpool 2. Well, we don't have that kind of money. What are you expecting? Sam Jackson to show up? With an eye patch and a saucy little leather number? Go. Go. Oh. But I can tell you one thing, and it's a bit of a secret. For the sequel, we're gonna have Cable. Amazing character. Bionic arm, time travel. We have no idea who we're gonna cast yet, but it could be anybody. Just need a big guy with a flat top. Could be Mel Gibson, Dolph Lundgren… Keira Knightley. She's got range. Who knows. Anyway, big secret. Shh… Oh, and don't leave your garbage all lying around. It's a total dick move. Go. Chicka-chicka!
[Cut to black. The movie ends.]
Category:Transcripts
Category:20th Century Fox Transcripts