Calling in Sick

"Calling in Sick" is the 60th episode of the YouTube comedy series A Dose of Buckley.
== Transcript ==
So, I have a cold, as you can probably hear. Sore throat, congestion -- I feel like a bag of dirty needles, basically. Now, a lot of people when they get a little illness, they call in sick to work cause they're a bunch of pussy-face pussbags who can't man or woman up. Not sure what the fuck you're accomplishing by not going to work unless you work in an AIDs ward or with old people who have no immune system left in their rotted out bodies, there's really no need to stay home. You're not gonna feel better that way, in fact, you're just gonna be sitting there thinking about how sick you are, which will make you feel worse. So in an attempt to help you stop being a bunch of little crying, eleven year old girls, it's time for Doc Buckley's three step program to operating like a normal person when you're so called "sick". Keep in mind, I'm not a licensed physician, and don't be a fucking dipshit when it comes to using medication, OK? Read the fucking directions, or, if you're illiterate, have your sister/wife read 'em to you. 
Step 1: Otrivin. Otrivin is the head-cold sufferers and announcers' best friend. You know why I don't sound like Kermit the Frog with a broken nose right now? Otrivin. A couple sprays in each nostril, breathe in, wait thirty seconds, blow your nose, you're all clear. I keep a bottle in my desk at the office, since my paid job also requires me to speak.
Step 2: Water. Lots of water. Drink water until you're pissing clear and then drink some more. Water flushes out toxins out of your body, naturally lubricates the throat so you can speak if you need to, and is just plain fucking good for you. Don't drink coffee or pop, and even orange juice is questionable. The caffeine and the sugars dehydrate you. People say that tea and lemon is good, but again, caffeine isn't helping your situation, and I don't wanna fucking hear, "Well it's tea, it's mostly water!" You're mostly water and yet somehow you're a fucking idiot. 
And finally, step 3: grow some fucking balls! I hate watching sick people walk around. "Oh, I'm sick [coughs], feel pity for me." You're fine. You have a cold -- or the flu as some morons call it every time they get the sniffles and a cough, which, you don't have the flu. Unless you're puking or shitting every six seconds, in which case, take some Gravol or Imodium depending on the situation, drink some more water, eat some fucking crackers, and get back in the fucking game. It'll pass through your system in a couple days and you can go back to being healthy and useless instead of sick and useless. 
So there, Doc Buckley's three step guide for you to not be a little bitch for the rest of your life. Give it a shot next time you're sick.