Jacob Rees-Mogg on New Squidward Chat

"Jacob Rees-Mogg on New Squidward Chat" is New Squidward Chat episode VI.
==Characters==
*New Squidward Chat announcer
*Squidward Q. Tentacles
*Jacob Rees-Mogg
*SpongeBob SquarePants (mentioned)
*James (indirectly mentioned)
*Incidental
*Boris Johnson (mentioned)
*Liz Truss
* (mentioned)
*2 unnamed Tory MPs
*
*
*
*Rishi Sunak (mentioned)
* (mentioned)
*
*Nicola Bulley (mentioned)
*
*
*
*
* (mentioned)
==Transcript==
Announcer: Elmo 3V presents... "New Squidward Chat"! With your host: Squidward Tentacles.
Squidward: Greetings. I'm Squidward Tentacles. Your host of "New Squidward Chat"! Apologies for not being here last week. When I returned to this set I noticed a note that was left on my desk. [picks up note] "Sorry you were out when I visited. I look forward to seeing you in the office very soon. With every good wish," signed by the Rt Hon. Jacob Rees-Mogg M.P. I'm pleased to say Jacob Rees-Mogg joins me now, what's this letter about?
[Jacob Rees-Mogg is lying down on the couch]
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well, I regularly see you broadcasting from this set, I think this is an excellent programme and I wanted to be interviewed. Sadly, you weren't here when I visited and SpongeBob was interviewing a socialist toilet instead. So I left you that note for when you were next presenting and it's very nice to see you today!
Squidward: It's nice to see you as well. My first question for you is: when did you last take cocaine?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: [sits up] ME?! When did YOU last take cocaine? No, I'm in the same category as you. I'm just very boring, that's reassuring isn't it?
Squidward: Never been offered it?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Never been offered it, no.
Squidward: Seen it?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: No, never seen it.
Squidward: No. Interested?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: No. [starts laughing] Why would I be?
Squidward: Not your thing?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Do you know? I think all my friends have always known that it would never have been my scene I- I backed being a schoolboy, I've never been at any risk of being err- tempted.
Squidward: Yeah. Alright. [knocks coffee cup off his table] Oh… 
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh dear.
Squidward: We'll get that cleaned up, uh, anyway. [incidental walks right in front of the camera] There are some rumours that Boris Johnson might run for US president.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh, I think he'd make a terrific president, the US would be really lucky to have him.
Squidward: But as prime minister-
Jacob Rees-Mogg: He was a great prime minister too.
Squidward: He broke his own rules as prime minister didn't he?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: No, I think you misunderstood what happened. Uhm, the prime minister [starts talking with his hands] thought what he was doing was within the rules and the police thought otherwise. And this is just like the DRS system in cricket. That sometimes the batsman, in good faith, thinks he's not out LBW [unexplained sirens in the background] sometimes the umpire thinks he's not out in good faith. But it goes to the third umpire who says it's out and then the batsman accepts the decision. It's exactly what happened to Boris Johnson. It's what you would expect would happen.
[Squidward is confused]
Squidward: That's, um, an interesting way to look at it. What about Liz Truss, she did an interview this morning where she blamed the "left-wing economic establishment" for her failure. Could she make a comeback?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh I think she could be the next Walpole, Walpole did 21 years. And I would like her to do better than that.
Squidward: Even with everything that happened leading up to Liz Truss's resignation. I mean you were there for the vote that happened the day before.
[Jacob Rees-Mogg experiences a war flashback: October 19, 2022 at the House of Commons]
[there is in the division lobby]
Tory MP: EVERYONE SHOULD GO AND FUCKING VOTE!
Different Tory MP: [literally crying] But I don't wanna vote for fracking…
[Liz Truss enters the lobby to vote, Chief Whip Wendy Morton walks out of the lobby, Liz Truss looks shocked]
Liz Truss: OH MY GOD! [she runs out of the lobby to chase after Wendy Morton, forgetting to vote herself] WAIT!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: [trying to yell over everything] No, everyone, it's not a confidence vote! [Deputy Prime Minister Thérèse Coffey uses all her strength to force the crying Tory MP to vote]
Tory MPs: Fuck off!
Craig Whittaker: It's all over, everybody betray me! I'm fed up with this world! [leaves the voting lobby with everyone looking at him] I'm fucking furious and I don't give a fuck anymore! [everyone is shocked]
[back to the set]
Squidward: Jacob!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh! I do apologise. There was an element of confusion over whether the vote was a confidence vote or not. But the government won it very comfortably, whether it was a confidence vote or not. If you look at the result that day, on a controversial issue where it was thought that the government may face a significant rebellion, the government won with a majority of 90. Um, I thought whips worked extremely hard to provide a very good result for the government. I think there was simply one of those unfortunate miscommunications that occasionally happens.
Squidward: There were some allegations of bullying in the voting lobby, you were named as being in the group, what's your version of events?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well, um, whaaat haappens around a vote very often is that people, err, reassure people about the situation. I had been giving reassurances all day about what the vote meant and what the amendment meant and the commitments that the government was giving. This confusion on whether or not it was a confidence vote was something that people needed a further conversation on. I-I- think to characterise it as bullying is a mistake that I think I saw some Labour MPs err recording it on their mobile telephones. I did hear one person, uhm, shouting and using an expletive as he marched in, uhm, he said everyone should go and vote and he said that loudly. But he didn't say it to anyone individually, he said it to the assembled crowd.
Squidward: So you didn't see any bullying?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well as I said, I heard one person use an expletive and shout as he went through. There was a discussion, there were a number of people waiting outside the division lobby who weren't sure whether it was a vote of no confidence or not and there was some discussion, err, on that issue. But it was a perfectly normal discussion as the way we're talking now.
Squidward: So there's nothing that somebody may have taken as aggressive behaviour or bullying behaviour from what you saw?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: From what I saw, no, people were having the sort of conversation you'd have between adults and professionals before making a decision, it was all perfectly reasonable. There was a degree of uncertainty that I mentioned, on whether or not it was a confidence vote. 
Squidward: There was also mentions of physical contact between some on the government side and backbenchers. Did you see that?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Not beyond, um, a female affectionately patting someone on the back, male. But that I don't think counts as bullying. That would be quite improper, to- to manhandle people in the division lobby would be a breach of all parliamentary etiquette.
Squidward: How would you categorise the temperature of some of the discussions? Was it heated, was it angry?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: No it wasn't so much angry as was slightly, um, confused. Although I mentioned that one member used an expletive going in saying that everybody should go in but he didn't say it to an individual, he just said it to the assembled company.
Squidward: How do you think Rishi Sunak is doing?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: I think Rishi Sunak is doing perfectly competently.
Squidward: There's more than a dozen complaints against Deputy Prime Minister Dominic Raab about bullying allegations. The Liberal Democrats called for him to be suspended during the investigation.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Well, the Lib Dems have to say things like that otherwise nobody pays any attention to them. I think we've got to be slightly careful about the bullying allegations, we mustn't be too snowflakey about it. [there's a loud bang, Jacob Rees-Mogg looks shocked] Oh goodness me. [Jacob Rees-Mogg walks to behind the camera]
[Test card]
[Elmo News theme plays, the cast of Scooby-Doo are at St-Michael's-on-Wyre]
Shaggy: Like, you're watching Elmo News. The family and friends of missing woman Nicola Bulley have insisted that there is no evidence behind the police's main hypothesis that she fell into the River Wyre while she was walking her dog.
Fred: Looks like we've got another mystery on our hands.
Velma: Ms Bulley's friend, Emma White, said that the "police hypothesis is on limited information". "When we are talking about a life we can't base it on a hypothesis - surely we need this factual evidence. That's what the family and all of us are holding on to - that we are sadly no further on than last Friday."
Shaggy: Zoinks! What was she doing before she disappeared, Velma?!
Velma: At 8.53am Nicola Bulley sent an email to her boss on her phone. At 9.01am she joined a Teams work call. All of this was normal behaviour for Nicola, this was not out of the ordinary and nothing different or unusual happened in those calls or emails. Ms Bulley was last seen at 9.10am "in the upper field" nearby. At 9.33am a witness found Nicola's dog Willow running between the gate to the field and the bench where the phone was located. Also found by that witness was the dog harness which was on the grass between the bench and the river's edge. The police are particularly interested in what happened in the 10 minute window between.10 am 9.20am.
Daphne: Jeepers.
Velma: The police have urged the public to look out along the river for the items of clothing that Ms Bulley was last seen wearing. This includes an ankle-length black quilted gilet jacket, a black Engelbert Strauss waist-length coat, tight-fitting black jeans, long green walking socks, ankle-length green Next wellies, a necklace and a pale blue Fitbit.
Scooby-Doo: Ruh-roh!
Fred: Let's split up, gang!
[back to New Squidward Chat]
Squidward: Welcome back, apologies we had a medical incident in the studio, but we're all OK. On a lighter note, I read in the paper that rhinos can't breed because of Brexit. It's all your fault that the UK doesn't have enough rhinos!
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Nellie the Elephant packed her trunk and said goodbye to the circus. Off she went with a trumpety trump trump trump trump! Err, the EU err has set up rules- if you noticed, it was all about our animals going to the continent. [shrugs] If the EU doesn't want our rhinos, the EU will have to live without our rhinos! Apparently it's become cheaper to send our animals to, err, New Zealand and the United States so we will work with people who want to work with us and that is the lesson of Brexit!
Squidward: That's fascinating, I guess the real rhinos were the friends we made along the way. Now, Jacob, you have your own show coming soon don't you?
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Oh yes, it's on GB News! GB News is a bastion of free speech, which clearly has its finger uniquely on the pulse of public opinion and does not talk down to its viewers and listeners, I have been impressed by the channel's independent-mindedness and its determination to talk to people with many different perspectives, which is exactly what I will do on my programme.
Squidward: Alright I'm sure we'll see you there. Thanks for joining us Jacob.
Jacob Rees-Mogg: Pleasure.
Squidward: That's it for this week's New Squidward Chat. [a light falls into the set] Oh my God!
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