Windows Haystack

= Windows Haystack =
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== Windows Haystack ==
=== Release date ===
March 20, 1999
=== Created by ===
Microsoft
=== Developer ===
Kenneth Pinyan
=== OS family ===
Windows 9x
=== Source model ===
Closed
=== Update method ===
Mail Order Floppy
=== Kernel type ===
Monolithic Hybrid
=== State ===
Never Released
=== Codename ===
Tobacco
=== Preceded by ===
Windows 95 Literacy Edition
=== Succeeded by ===
Arch Linux
== Summary ==
Windows Haystack edition was found on an old, scratched up CD-ROM in a farmer's barn in Chugwater, Wyoming. Not much is known about the origin of the build, however the copyright date on the boot screen is listed as 1999. The system appears to be a derivative of the Windows 9x kernel, although many of the features commonly associated with the 9x kernel, such as the con/con bug and the propensity to completely shit the bed when attempting even the most trivial of tasks, appear to be absent. It is speculated that Haystack is an early attempt at merging the two mainline Windows kernels into a single, unified kernel.
== Background ==
The CD-ROM containing Haystack was first acquired through a suspicious eBay auction by one of the top researcher guinea pigs here at the WNR wiki. Our researcher was looking for some more alfalfa to munch on and stumbled across a listing for a "bigass haystack". Unfortunately, said haystack was listed as local pickup only, so our researcher had to make a long journey in his hamster ball to reach it. During the collection of the haystack, the CD-ROM was discovered in the back of the farmer's barn. He seemed pretty trustworthy, considering old people are legally required to be honest, and as such we have no reason to doubt that the CD was of legitimate origin. Our researcher, upon confirming that the haystack did in fact qualify as "bigass", was promptly fired for being a guinea pig.
== Features ==
Hackstack contains a number of new features not seen in mainline Windows versions.
* Upon boot, the Windows shell will not load until you contact a John Deer serviceman to repair the explorer
* The Internet Explorer default home page cannot be changed from the default of "http://farmersonly.com"
* The only installed language pack is the "Thick Southern Drawl" pack, requiring us to hire a linguist to decipher the system texts
* Several key kernel chromosomes appear to be missing
* Computers with Haystack installed typically begin to smell like a stable within 48 hours
* Many programs refuse to load unless the computer is placed at "just the right height, no bucket required"
* No network drivers are installed except the 28.8k modem driver
* An executable with the name "HOLDBEER.EXE" can be found in the Windows folder, which upon execution opens the CD tray
* The system will play an audio clip of a rooster crowing at maximum volume when the system time is equivalent to 5:00 AM
* The only contact in the Microsoft Outlook address book has the name of "Mr Hands"
* Various farm supplies and equipment can be purchased directly from the start menu