All Epilogue 05 - Uncertainties

Osamu sat alone, a very pale Yetoman dressed in Asonian clothes, kneeling and looking up passively at the stars with a flat and distant gaze. He had chosen a spot far from the house, where the grass began to grow short as it met the rocky coast. Waves crashed regularly in the distance, echoing softly where he could hear. It was a while before Lucca quietly joined him, wandering up and sinking down to sit beside him silently. While the approach was not acknowledged, it was also not overlooked, and it seemed that the man did not stir at all from the intrusion. The pair sat silently for a little while before Lucca nudged him gently, “Hey...what's on your mind? ...It seems like something's bothering you. Let me help?" 
The flat, distant gaze of Osamu’s did not flicker as he said evenly, "It is nothing."
Lu countered softly, "Nice try, but no." With a small, crooked smile, he added, "You're no better a liar than you were before.” At that statement, there was a flicker in Osamu’s expression, and for a bare second, he seemed deeply troubled. “What is it?" Lucca asked.
His expression smoothing almost immediately, he said coolly, "It really is nothing. Don't be concerned."
"It is not; something's really bothering you. I saw your face right there. Please talk to me? Let me help? You know it's just gonna worry me worse if you don't..."
Osamu’s gaze drifted slowly down from the sky, pausing before he said, "...You shouldn't have to be concerned about my senseless issues. You shouldn't worry yourself."
A touch of sternness entered Lucca’s expression, and his words were firm where his voice was not, "That isn't how it works. At all. Never was and absolutely won’t be now. If we're gonna be...partners, for real, if you honestly want to get married, then your issues are my issues, even the ones you think are senseless. Your concerns are mine too, all of them...that's how it works." As he spoke, his tone was quiet: there was a fear of reprimand, but a confidence in his convictions.
Osamu slowly tilted his head over to look at him, holding his slightly blank gaze for a long moment. Eventually, his face sunk further towards the ground, and the crack in his demeanour grew. Though he said nothing, it became increasingly obvious that he was conflicted about something. This sense grew, to the point where it seemed he was about to say something, opening his mouth and inhaling to speak before abandoning the sentiment, time and again. A sense of frustration built up about him, until it finally piqued: he shut his eyes and sighed heavily, choking back his emotions until he was sitting passively distant once more. He looked out flatly, and said with a morose tone, "It’s...difficult..."
Sidling closer, Lucca leaned up against him comfortingly. He said gently, "I know...I know it is...You don't have to rush yourself...I'm here until you're ready."
"It's...hard, to talk about my thoughts…” he said quietly, to the distance. “Growing up, I was never supposed to talk. I was just to do what needed to be done and say what needed to be said, and that is all. That’s how it always was."
Lucca looked up at him softly, giving a sympathetic nod as he said, "I understand...it’s not like that now, though. And it sucks that it ever was for you...that's really shitty. I'm sorry."
"It's fine." He sat quietly for a long while, still trying to force himself to talk. Lucca had nestled himself into his side, waiting patiently. Eventually, speaking into his chest more than anywhere else, Osamu spat out, "I...keep telling myself, that I'm wrong to think this...but...I...worry, that I...shouldn't be here." As he spoke, his composure collapsed, and his expression was one of desperate sadness.
At this, Lucca became terribly concerned. He blinked, and after a beat he said, "Of course you should...why...why do you think you shouldn't?"
"I...I...feel...like...I’ve stepped in, to take someone else's place, and...I’m wrong, for doing that,” Osamu explained, “for...capitalising...on, how...you feel, and how Virgil feels...when, I'm not, the same person. I know, that's not really true, but, it's not strictly wrong, and...I don't know. I don't know what I would do if I was still who I was without my memories, or what I would have wanted..." He paused and added miserably, "I don't really know who I even am, at this point..."
Lucca’s head hung low, his expression sad and dejected. After a few moments passed in silence, he looked back up and said, "You...are neither him, nor who you were before you became him...you're someone new. You're kinda...both and neither and I guess you sorta get to choose where to go from here, right? And whatever you do, it can't be wrong or anything...just who you are now." He sighed and looked away, adding quietly, "...Don't beat yourself up over being here. For one, you're not an imposter taking advantage of our feelings. At all. Two...I'm the one who made you stay...so if that's wrong, it’s my bad, not yours..."
At the last statement, Osamu blinked a bit and turned to look at him. A teeny sort of grin played at his mouth as he asked, "...Can I say something, somewhat...mean? In the nicest possible way." Lucca returned his gaze uncertainly before nodding slightly. Leaning over into Lucca slightly, Osamu spoke with an almost-unnoticeable grin, "You are many wonderful things, Lucca. But strong enough to bind me where I don't want to be? You are not that." He explained, "The spell used to call me here is not actually strong enough to bind me. It is a technicality that allows me to enter Materia, but it is nothing I couldn't overpower." With a small snort, he added, "Percival continues to be not the wisest of men, summoning things in ways he can’t control." He regarded Lucca softly, lightly brushing his bangs aside, his fingertips drawing softly over his brow as he said, "I am here because I want to be. Because I want to be with you, and Virgil. Not because you have forced me."
Lucca chuckled softly and shook his head. "I never meant for a second that I was strong enough to do something like that. Cause yeah, I'm definitely not. Not even close. I'm not talking about force or power, though..." he rested his head on Osamu’s shoulder as he continued quietly, "I asked, practically begged, you to stay. And you did, because you wanted to, yes, but also because you're a big softie. If I'd've told you to leave, for any reason, we both know you would have, regardless of your wanting to stay. Because you're like that." He looked up at him and gives a small smile, "So, if it was wrong if you to stay, it’s my fault for asking."
Osamu’s tiny smile lingered as he spoke, leaning his face closer to Lucca’s, "Are we playing at this, where we both try and take the blame? I assure you, I'll win at this game; I’m very good at it. If what you say is true, then I am at fault again. Because yes, I would have left if you told me to. But why would you? In your position, who would ever tell someone acting the part of the one they lost to leave? It was barely a choice, and I knew full well the impact I would have if I returned." He looked a bit sad again, "I worry that I shouldn't have come back originally. I shouldn't have toyed with your hope."
"If toying with it is what you did, it’s still better than the alternative, had you not," Lucca replied, his face becoming downcast.
Osamu’s face fell in turn, and he muttered, "I'm sorry...I’m sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel...I know I get, morose. I shouldn't spread it to you..."
"No!" Lucca’s head popped up, and he scowled slightly, "Don't be like that, it’s not that at all! It's just...I..thinking about the idea of you not coming back, of what that would have been like..." he shook his head, looking almost anxious for a moment, "...it’s not good...it bothers me..." He shook the feeling off. "But that has nothing to do with this conversation, or your mood, or anything like that, so don't even..."
Taken aback at the outburst, Osamu blinked, "I...I’m sorry."
Giving his head one more shake, Lucca gave him a tiny smile, "Don't be, it’s okay. You keep apologizing for things that aren't your fault, and you really don't need to."
"I'm...heh...very good at that as well," he said quietly, "I don't...know, if that’s just me...or, how I was taught...or, heh, if it was something that came with my job."
Leaning back into him once more, Lucca wrapped his arm around his waist, "Well, you don't need to do it anymore. Like, it’s okay if you do, but you really don't need to."
"Mhmm..." Osamu returned the gesture, sliding his arm around him too. They sat quietly for a few minutes before Osamu muttered very quietly, "....I wish I was still him..."
There was a small beat before Lu cocked his head slightly, asking gently, "...Why?"
"...I was happy. I...didn't know. Didn't know who I was, or what I'd done, and...I could be happy, in a way I'd never been, without...having to question myself." He sighed and added very quietly, "I'd throw it away. I'd throw the memories and power away again, if I could, and live and die as Victor, if not for Mako and Junko."
Lucca swallowed hard and said, "I'm so sorry.. " in the tiniest, most remorseful voice. Immediately, he took a deep, steeling breath and said, "You don't have to question yourself, though. You're allowed to be happy, you deserve to be...you just need to learn how. You've gotta learn how to chop through the bits of your past that keep you from it, and then you'll get there again...now you know it’s possible, it’s just a bit harder…”
"...Maybe...." he sighed, reaching up and fiddling with a piece of Lucca's hair, "...but...I worry, that there's...something of a limit." The sadness in his voice only became more desperate as he continued, "There's...only so good I can be, only so much. No matter what I would like to be, regardless of whether I could change my manner or not, it doesn't change the fact that I am a monster. I feed on evil, I propagate evil, and that will be the outcome of anything I touch." His voice became increasingly tight, "I have corrupted Junko. I will corrupt Virgil. I...will corrupt you." He closed eyes sorrowfully, "I should have left you both well enough alone. I should have let you grieve, and grow, and live your lives like you should have."
After a few moments, Lucca said softly, "But that just brings us back to what I said earlier: I wanted you to stay, as much as you did. It's not all on you: it was a decision we both made. And I was not unaware of the consequences. Even before...any of this happened...I knew what we suspected you were, what you are, and what that meant. And I accepted where loving you would lead. If that is how it is to be, then I guess that's how it will be, and we'll work with it. It’s still preferable to the alternative."
"Virgil couldn't rightly make that decision..." He added very quietly, "You both deserve better."
"No. He couldn't. And again, that's as much my doing as yours." He sighed heavily, "Virgil maybe does, yes. But I definitely don't." He gave a small, tightly sad smile, "There's nothing I could ever do to be deserving of either of you...but nice try."
Osamu looked at him balefully, "You sell yourself short. Always, terribly selling yourself short..."
Lucca snorted softly and shook his head, "Nah. But I could say something similar about someone else I know.” His statement was accompanied by a pointed look.
With a give in his posture, he said quietly, "I’m sorry..." Sliding away, prompting a concerned look from the other man, Osamu turned to face Lucca properly, bowing down in almost a grovel. He spoke quietly, yet gravely, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for my weakness. I'm sorry for evils: my impulse, my desire, and my selfish love that will inevitably hurt you and Virgil. I'm sorry that you found me in a basement and got tangled in my perverse affairs. I'm sorry that you have to listen to this, when you deserve happiness and goodness and better than the corruption of a murdering, tyrannical archdemon. I will try to be better. But I'm afraid I will never be anything more than what I am. And I beg forgiveness."
"Hey, hey, hey...come on now..." Lucca looked taken aback, sliding down to look at his downcast eyes, "Don't be like that...you don't need to be sorry..." Taking his face in his hands and tilting it back up again, he added, "but if you feel like you need it, forgiveness...then it's yours, always..."
Osamu looked at him vulnerably for a moment before leaning up and kissing him, long and slow. Pulling back just far enough to free his lips, he said softly, "I love you."
Returning the gesture, Lucca resting his forehead against Osamu's and murmured, "I love you too, so much." Osamu reached up and pulled him into a tight hug that brought both of them down onto the rough ground. Lucca happily pressed himself into the other man, and the two looked up to the stars together, wrapped in each other’s limbs. 
Category:Advent of the All