The Ink and Paint Club/Patty Cake Pictures

(Later at night, Cloud's group, including Tifa, arrived in an alleyway towards a door that reads "Ink and Paint Club." Upon approaching the door, Cloud knocked on the door and a toon ape opened the sliding eyeflap on the door)
Toon ape: Got the password?
Cloud's group: Walt sent me.
(Then the eyeflap closed and the door was unlocked and opened by the toon ape. Then Cloud's group entered as the toon ape closed the door)
Yuffie: Nice monkey suit.
Gorilla: Wiseguy!
[Valiant walks down a short corridor towards a door behind which can be heard the sound of two pianos playing. As Valiant opens the door there is an explosion of sound of piano playing. On a stage opposite, Donald from Disney and Daffy Duck from Warner Bros. playing dueling pianos. Watching this are numerous people seated round small tables and being served by toon penguins from Mary Poppins. At the bar a monkey-octopus hybrid is serving several customers at once.]
Donald: Quack, quack. Cut it out!
Daffy: Anyone understand what this duck is saying?
Woman: Mmm, most amusing.
Man: A bit more wine?
Daffy: I've worked with a lot of wise quackers, but you are despicable!
Donald: Doggone, stubborn, little... [stutters]
Daffy: This is the last time I work with someone with a speech impediment!
Donald: Oh, yeah!? [He grabs Daffy, throws him into the piano and slams it shut on him, leaving only his beak sticking out.]
Daffy: This means war.
[As Valiant stands watching all of this a bald man squirts ink on Valiant's shirt with a pen.]
Marvin: Ha, ha, ha!
Valiant: What, you think that's funny?
Marvin: Oh, it's a panic!
Valiant: [Grabbing him] You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose!
Marvin: Now calm down, son, will ya. Look, the stain's gone. It's disappearing ink. No hard feelings I hope? Look, I'm...
Valiant: I know who you are. Marvin Acme. The guy that owns Toontown. The Gag King.
Marvin: "If it's Acme, it's a gasser!" Put it there pal. <Zzzzt> The hand buzzer! Still our biggest seller! Ha, ha, ha.
[Totally unamused, Valiant sits down and a penguin from Mary Poppins comes up to take his order. Valiant slams the menu back on the tray without looking at it.]
Valiant: Scotch on the rocks. ...And I mean ice!
Donald: [playing both pianos at once.] This is hot stuff.
[Daffy takes over and behind him appears a devilish Donald who nearly blows Daffy's head of with a cannon.]
Daffy: Heh-Huh! Hoo! Heh-Hoo! Hoo! Heh-Hoo! Heh-Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!
[Two hooks appear from both sides of the stage and pull the ducks and their tipped-over pianos off the stage to the applause of the audience.]
Marvin: Hey, those ducks are funny. They, they never get to finish the act! Ha, ha, ha.
Valiant: Right. [Penguin from Mary Poppins gives Valiant his drink.] Thanks... [Finds stones in it.] ...Toons.
Betty Boop: Cigars! Cigarettes! Eddie Valiant!
Valiant: Betty?
Betty Boop: Long time no see!
Valiant: What are you doing here?
Betty Boop: Work's been kinda slow since cartoons went to color. But I still got it, Eddie. Boo boo bedoo. Boop!
Valiant: Yeah, you still got it.
[There is a growing commotion behind Valiant. He turns to indicate Acme who is gesticulating towards the stage.]
Valiant: What's with him?
Betty Boop: Mr. Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs.
Valiant: Got a thing for rabbits, huh?
[The room goes suddenly quiet and the silence is broken when a huskily voiced woman begins to sing. As she appears from behind the curtains the men go wild.]
Jessica: 'You had plenty money in 1922. You let all the women make a fool of you, Why don't you do right, like some other men do? Get out of here, get me some money too.
Valiant: [Unable to take his eyes away from Jessica.] She's married to Roger Rabbit?
Betty Boop: Yeah. What a lucky goirl.
Jessica: Now if you had prepared twenty years ago. You wouldn't be a-wandering now from door to door. Why don't you do right, like some other men do? Get out of here, give me some money too. Get out of here, get me some money too. Why don't you do right, like some other men... doooo? <Applause>
[Valiant follows Marvin to Jessica's room.]
<Knock>
Jessica (O.S.): Who is it?
Marvin: Jessica dear, have no fear, your Marvin is here!
[The door closes behind him, muffling his words. Valiant tries to peer through the keyhole.]
Marvin (O.S.): You sure murdered 'em again tonight, baby. I really mean it. My darling, you were superb. You absolutely, truly and honestly fashmolyed that audience. You killed them. You slayed them. You belted them into little pieces...
[A large shadow casts itself over Valiant's back and a large hand taps him roughly on the shoulder.]
Gorilla: What do think you're doing, chump?
Valiant: Who you calling a chump, chimp?
[The gorilla throws Valiant out of the door over by the dump.]
Valiant: AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! OOOF!
Gorilla (O.S.): And don't let me catch your peeping face around here again, got it?! [Closes the door behind him]
Valiant: Ooga booga!
[Valiant dust himself off and is about to leave when he hears Jessica and Marvin talking through one of the nearby windows. He pulls up a box and peers through a gap in the curtains.]
Marvin (O.S.): Come my dear, Jessica. I'm over here. I've got everything you need, right here, on the bed.
Jessica (O.S.): Oh, not tonight, Marvin. I have a headache.
Marvin (O.S.): But, Jessica! You promised.
Jessica (O.S.): Oh... alright. But this time, take off that hand buzzer.
Marvin (O.S.): Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake, patty cake...
Jessica (O.S.): Oh!
Marvin (O.S.): Patty cake, patty cake...
Jessica: Marvin! Oh!
[Midway through taking pictures, Valiant is visibly stunned at the event.]
Roger (O.S.) [begins to cry]: Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake! Patty cake!
Jessica: Oh Marvin!
Valiant: You've gotta be kidding me.
Roger (O.S.): Patty cake! Patty cake!
[Maroon's Office and Roger is rattling the blinds.]
Roger: Patty cake! Patty cake! Ahah! I don't believe it! [crying loudly] [Headbutting desk] Patty cake! Patty cake! Is that true?
Maroon: Take comfort, son. You're not the first man whose wife played patty cake on him.
[Maroon hands him a handkerchief which Roger blows into with gusto. He hands it back dripping with water and Maroon hands it to Valiant.]
Roger: I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it!
Valiant: [Dropping the hanky into the bin with a splash.] Believe it, kid. I took the pictures myself. She played patty cake.
Roger: [Flicking through the pictures faster and faster so it looks like they are moving.] No... not my Jessica! Not patty cake. This is impossible. I don't believe it. It can't be. It just can't be. Jessica's my wife! It's absolutely impossible!!! [Throws pictures into the air.] Jessica's the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the cream in my coffee.
Valiant: You better start drinking it black, 'cause Acme's taking the cream now.
Maroon: Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend and neighbor for 30 years. Who would've thought he was a sugar daddy?
Roger: Somebody must have made her do it.
Maroon: [Handing Roger a glass] Now, drink this, son. It'll make you feel better.
Roger: <Gulp> Ahh... Eech! Gaahh! Brblbllllllll... [He turns a variety of different colors and his eyes bulge. He suddenly shoots into the air and emits a whistling sound so high pitched that it smashes all the glasses, saucers, picture frames and awards in the room including the one held by Valiant and the glass awards on the shelves, broken lamp and the bottle of beer. As the whistling dies down Roger collapses back into the seat and mutters...] Thanks, I needed that. [...before falling face down on the table.]
Valiant: [Shaking the liquor of his hands] Son of a bitch. Look, Mr. Maroon, I think my work here is finished. How about that carrot you owe me, huh?
Maroon: A deal's a deal. [Hands Valiant the check]
Valiant: Great... Thanks.
Maroon: Roger. I know all this seems pretty painful now. But you'll find someone new. Won't he, Mr. Valiant?
Valiant: Yeah, sure. A good looking guy like that? [chuckles] The dames'll be breaking his door down.
Roger: [Suddenly coming to life again.] Dames?! What dames?! [He grabs Valiant by the collar and shouts at him forcing Valiant back onto the desk. He broke and smashed the windows.] Jessica's the only one for me! You'll see. We'll rise above this pickling peccadillo! We're going to be happy again. You got that? Happy! Capital H-A-P-P-I! [He crashes through the window leaving a rabbit shaped hole in the glass and the blinds.]
Valiant: Well, at least he took it well...
[As Valiant and Maroon stare dumbfounded out of the window the blinds crash down. Roger is resume crying across the road at the Acme factory looking at his photos. One is of him and Jessica on their wedding day. Another is of the two of them on their honeymoon on a beach. The last is of the two of them hugging each other in the Brown Derby.]
Roger: [crying] Oh, Jessica... P-p-pllllease tell me it's not true. [sobs] P-p-p-p-pllllease! [continues crying]
[Valiant returns to his office. He takes off his hat and jacket and starts to take the photos down from the line where he had hung them. When Valiant goes through the photos of July 1946 back at his office he finds old pictures of him and Dolores mucking around on a beach. Smiling, he flicks through them. However, he finds pictures of him and his brother and seems close to tears. He gets drunk. On the other side of the desk is a chair covered in dust since 1914. In front of this on the desk is a sign reading Theodore J. Valiant. Covering the desk are numerous newspaper clippings of toon cases they solved. One of the pictures of his desk depicts the brothers and their father in the Ringling Brother circus in 1906 and Dolores, Eddie and Teddy in 1938. Soon it's morning and another man is in the room. Valiant is asleep with his head on the desk. The man throws the empty bottle in front of Valiant into the bin and drops it on the floor.]
Valiant: [snoring] <Bang> Yarghh! [He leaps upright in his seat and stares groggily at the man beside him.] Lieutenant Santino. Where'd you come from?
Santino: [Looking at the photos.] Gee whizz, Eddie. If you needed money so bad, why didn't you come to me?
Valiant: [Trying to pour the last dribble from the bottle.] So I took a couple of dirty pictures. So kill me.
Santino: I already have a stiff on my hands, thank you!
Valiant: Huh?
Santino: Marvin Acme. The rabbit cacked him last night.
Valiant: [Flat] What?
Category:Fan Fiction
Category:Who Framed Roger Rabbit Fanmakes
Category:Who Framed Roger Rabbit Parodies