Fake News Media

is the second episode of season one of No Malarkey in Bikini Bottom. It premieres on July 8, 2020.
== Plot ==
Inside the airwaves and media, candidates battle for positive coverage and perception. Meanwhile, Trump holds a rally in the Chum Coliseum.
== Transcript ==
[The episode opens with an interview between Perch Perkins and Paul Renaud]
Mr. Perkins: Tell us Mr. Renaud, what made you decide to switch parties?
Mr. Renaud: Well, it’s simple Perch. I realized that attempting to reform the Democratic Party from within is fruitless. What we really need to do is smash the two-party system. And after that, some children!
[cuts to Joe Biden interview]
Mr. Biden: Aw man, my press secretary has some mahoosive sacks of money. And that 8 year old’s hair? Mwah! Heavenly.
Mr. Perkins: Uh, Former Vice President Biden? You’re being interviewed right now.
Mr. Biden: Oh, I see. (thinks for a second) Where am I again?
Mr. Perkins: Anyway, how do you think you did in the debates?
Mr. Biden: I don’t remember that very well. I do, however, remember how thicc my receptionist was-
Mr. Perkins: Sir, what has gotten into you?
Mr. Biden: I don’t know about me, but I do know my warm, sticky seed is in her, intertwined with her glistening girl juices.
Mr. Perkins: BIDEN! WE'RE ON THE AIR!
Mr. Biden: WHAT?!
Mr. Perkins: Mr. Biden, this would be the best time to say "Just kidding."
Mr. Biden: (nervous laugh) J-Just kidding!
Mr. Perkins: I suppose now would be the appropriate time to interview somebody else.
[cut to interview with Jim R’Onion]
Mr. Perkins: So tell us Mr. R’Onion, how delicious are your onions?
Mr. R’Onion: Excuse me, why don’t you stop using your tongue in an impulsive manner? That question is highly unprofessional. I’m here to talk policy only.
Mr. Perkins: Alright, well how about you tell us what your impressions of the first debate were? With such a crowded field, do you feel this is finally the Green faction’s chance to seize a victory?
Mr. R’Onion: Well, first let me say, the behavior exhibited by my fellow candidates was very strange, very unusual. Throughout all my years of being involved in politics, I have never seen candidates act this way. They're gonna fall incredibly behind in the polls if they keep it up, which will leave an opening for us.
Mr. Perkins: During the debate, you staked out some pretty radical policy positions, for example banning consumption of all food. Are you too far left to win a general election?
Mr. R'Onion: I say there is no such thing as too far left. What voters want is a candidate that’s authentic, that’ll stick up for their ideals. They don’t want someone like my opponents who simply go wherever the wind is blowing.
Mr. Perkins: Thanks for your time, Mr. Runyun.
Mr. R'Onion: It's "R'Onion!"
[cut to interview with Travis Pineapple]
Mr. Perkins: You’ve made some pretty controversial statements in the past, Mr. Pineapple, for example advocating for North Korea to nuke Bikini Bottom. Don’t you have too much baggage to win a general election?
Mr. Pineapple: I feel Bikini Bottom as a whole is a sponsor of terrorism-
Mr. Perkins: Sponsor of terrorism? Bikini Bottom?
Mr. Pineapple: Indeed. We've given weapons to Chum Bucket employees and toppled democratically elected governments in Tentacle Acres, New Kelp City, and Far-Out Ville, installing fascist dictatorships in their place. Bikini Bottom is a disgusting country that deserves to be nuked off the face of the planet, as explained in my #1 hit song, "Just Nuke Us Already!".
Mr. Perkins: I have that one on limited picture-disc vinyl.
Mr. Pineapple: That’s why I pledge if elected president to never defend our nation against attacks - as any attacks against us would be completely justified retaliation in response to all the horrendous atrocities we’ve committed. .
Mr. Perkins: I do believe we're out of time, Mr. Pineapple.
Mr. Pineapple: But I was only asked one question.
Mr. Perkins: Oh, another question. In the past you have published some incredibly questionable fanfiction. Care to comment on that?
[Mr. Pineapple is nowhere to be seen]
Mr. Perkins: Hello? Mr. Pineapple?
[cut to interview with Bernie Sanders]
Mr. Perkins: Between you, Mr. R’Onion, and Mr. Pineapple, there are several candidates from the left wing of the party vying for the nomination. Aren’t you worried this could lead to the vote being split and a moderate winning?
Mr. Sanders: With all due respect to Mr. R’Onion and Mr. Pineapple and their activism, they are very fringe candidates. Both of them are polling at less than 1%, they don’t have a realistic shot at winning.
Mr. Perkins: You’ve proposed granting free healthcare to every citizen in Bikini Bottom. Tell us, how are you going to pay for such a plan?
Mr. Sanders: Well, the plan I support is a single-payer system. It’s called that because there’s a single payer. That being you.
Mr. Perkins: Me?
Mr. Sanders: Yep, you. You’re going to pay for everyone’s healthcare bills.
[cut to interview with Kelpy G]
Mr. Perkins: Mr. G, you have been accused by your fellow candidate Mr. Pineapple of committing war crimes during the 2018 Bikini Bottom Civil War.
Mr. G: Sir, that Pineapple is a Goddamned liar. I was acquitted.
Mr. Perkins: Care to elaborate?
Mr. G: Of course not. What do you think I am, some kind of elaborator?
[cut to President Trump holding a rally at the Chum Coliseum]
Trump: Yo yo yo hound dawgs. Yo. Yo. Yo. The Democrats - Demonrats as I like to call them - had their first debate the other day. And boy - Ben Benny Benny Boy - let me tell you. These folks are out of their mind. Out of their mind. You have people like Biden eating their campaign managers - then you have people on the other end of the extreme like R’Onion saying we should ban the consumption of all food! Can you imagine one of these people running our country? We need a sane, rational, well-reasoned individual like me in charge. *takes out a red button, pressing it* By the way, I just nuked Rock Bottom.
[at hearing the news the crowd immediately cheering the president]
Crowd: TRUMP DUCK FOR THE WIN! TRUMP DUCK FOR THE WIN! TRUMP DUCK FOR THE WIN!
==Trivia==
*This is the first episode Travis has written on SBFW since "Are" in October 2016, nearly four years ago. 
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