DOOM: The Movie (2005) / Fish in a Barrel

Doom: The Movie (2005) / Fish in a Barrel is the title of the video in which Civvie reviews the 2005 film Doom. It is the first episode of season zero, and the overall first episode of Civvie's Dungeon. 
== Synopsis ==
Civvie finds a DVD player in his cell. Unfortunately, the only thing he has to watch is the Doom movie.
== Video ==
== Transcript (auto-generated) ==
oh hey this looks fun
tv and a dvd player huh reminds me of
high school when the teacher was
hungover you know like the day after st
patrick's day or wednesday
what do we got here some bill nye the
science guy some mythbusters and
junkyard wars
oh [ __ ] you [ __ ] you this isn't going to
teach me anything about science
[Music]
[Music]
welcome to the dungeon this is sylvia
levin and oh boy if we got a treat today
i forgot this movie existed remember
doom yeah remember that game
well that game is basically in my
opinion the king of video games it's a
citizen kane of video games just look
at it all you kids stay with your call
of duty and your stop it pop [ __ ]
shooters
this game is why any of those exist for
better or worse
but we're not playing to him today oh no
because that would be fun
no today i guess we're watching the
cinematic adaptation of doom
called doom and i'm apologizing ahead of
time to carl urban because she seems
like a total bro and also the rock i
don't know the name of anybody else in
this movie though
but i bet people were hyped when this
came out if you're gonna adapt to first
person share to render a movie i
i i guess i would have done wolfenstein
first but doom is a solid bat
unless you decide to [ __ ] it from the
beginning will doom fans
enjoy this movie i promise you we stayed
loyal to the video game what made the
video game pioneering and everything
that it was
unapologetic violence we did that and
then some
in the year 2026 archaeologists working
in the nevada desert discovered a portal
to an ancient city on mars
twenty years later we're still
struggling to understand why it was
built
and what happened to the civilization
that built it i'm guessing they built it
because being on mars kind of sucks i
mean the climate temperature
harsh conditions that you you know what
i'm not doing it it's doom
you can't question the plot we'll be
here all day
holy [ __ ] this movie is darker than doom
three
[Music]
oh oh i get it dr carmack but is it
adrian or john
there were two carmax movie and i gotta
assume you mean john and if it is then
this movie's gonna be over real quick
since john carmack is a [ __ ] rocket
scientist
and will probably get to mars long
before this movie takes place
it's not a carmack classified research
although maybe if you say carmack enough
we'll get it this is based on a thing
that
oh [ __ ] never mind can we just can we
just oh
[ __ ] this how much of a marine is the
rock
search and destroy orders received and
understood
well he sounds really serious and he has
semper fi tattooing on his back which
means he is 100
a marine okay time to get introduced to
our characters
here's the black guy who's probably
gonna die first i don't know whether to
talk about the completely goddamn
ridiculous gaming device he has in his
hands or the completely goddamn
ridiculous gaming device he has in his
hands
it looks like galaxian and sounds like a
tiger electronic game this is 2005.
i i mean 21 go [ __ ] yourself pick up a
ds there aren't any buttons on the back
of that what is
god damn it it's not five minutes in
yo this game's layered man this game is
layered
what the [ __ ] are you talking about
here's this guy
i think his name is he's he's wearing a
hawaiian shirt because he's a party
animal
and then there's this guy who puts a
cross on and i guess that's his
character you can also see him with a
pocket bible
i wonder what that means six months
without a weekend the goddamn
transporters are five minutes late
and that's five minutes r r i ain't
never gonna get back
i'm going down to el honta i'm gonna
lock myself in a motel room
with a bottle of tequila and three she
boys
oh man i'm not judging you but you're
gonna need more tequila and more hands
also please kill me
i'm sick of your filth why i don't think
the bible says anything about tequila or
ladyboys
they weren't really a thing yet listen
up man
leave is canceled kid
oh god son you are now in the rapid
response tactical squad
the double rts and he's dead wow that
was fast
so we don't know most of these
characters names except john duke
kid and portman but it's okay because
they have guns that in a brilliant
tactical fashion
say each of their names
who isn't the tough black guy who isn't
built duke from predator
take it down a notch
carl urban i'm so [ __ ] sorry oh god
you deserve better i just want to hug
you tell you it's gonna be all right
but it's not so the men ride this
helicopter and reload their guns
dramatically until they get to the ark
how long's it been
10 years i'm sure she's even still up
there
they're talking about her sister played
by rosamund
pike she's a scientist but not an old
man scientist named after a video game
developer
an attractive scientist with makeup in
the middle of a quarantined base full of
monsters
i guess you gotta face a demon sometimes
you hesitate people die okay so this
thing with the kid
is really starting to piss me off you
got the squad of badass marines right
and you got the rock telling the new guy
you hesitate
people die i feel like that would be
part of the basic training you know not
part of the first mission on an elite
task force they're sending to another
[ __ ] planet with an hour's notice
you're gonna leave behind a guy who's
field stripping like 10 [ __ ] rifles
over here so he doesn't have to talk to
his baby sister
but this guy oh yeah he's in definitely
[ __ ] this movie
so everybody goes to mars
[Music]
there was a time when our travel was
susceptible to let's say
major turbulence was he mean
he means he went to one galaxy his ass
went to another
so i guess he didn't get his ass to mars
marcus penzorowski you call me pinky
follow me
oh i get it i don't remember the pink
demon ever having wheels but whatever
it's something
but wait he's he's not he's not a demon
man
on my three one two
three this is how professionals handle
firearms you point them all around at
each other
uh loaded and ready we're under level
five quarantine so i am just gonna have
to stretch
sergeant this is dr samantha grimm the
uac science officer assigned to retrieve
data from the lab
sergeant sarge this operation's a code
red we really don't have room for
passengers
excuse me but i have orders to retrieve
data from three servers
anthropology forensic archaeology and
genetics adding the waypoints to your
map now
don't say this character has nothing to
do in this movie finally done here
because i've got a job to do
if you'll follow me you chose this
reaper oh
his last name is grim and they call him
reaper
that's good i mean it's not good it's
cringy as [ __ ] but i guess it's better
than calling him flynn
in one of the carbon dating labs there
was an internal phone left off the hook
did you get any information from it
is that a [ __ ] tape recorder so the
team splits up and enters the dark
dark dark [ __ ] facility
how am i supposed to see the black guy
die so grim and his sister
locked themselves in the only room with
a light switch that's probably a good
[Music]
idea
the hell is that you never did time for
me
what what kind of time did you do
in a pit with a computer in it because
i've been in a very similar situation
and it surprised the [ __ ] out of me
oh boy we're in it now folks this is
totally like doom nothing could ruin it
even terrible expository dialogue
papers parents are the first team of
archaeologists to all divide they died
in some accident when he was a kid
she followed in their footsteps and he
didn't i mean
of course i'd want to spend my life in a
spooky place where my parents died
wouldn't you it's cathartic
like oh [ __ ] god this is dumb
i i gotta i got a timeout i got a
timeout okay here's a giant glaring
problem with this movie
see how we're cutting between characters
moving around dark hallways that you
can't see anything in
and how you have absolutely no spatial
awareness like where this guy is
compared to this guy okay look at this
from aliens right
where they check out the colony and they
find gross things in glass tubes and
stuff
you know squad marines and we know
they're separated but they're always in
contact
it's dark but you can see the
environment they're in
and because you can see it it gives you
some clues as to what happened are you
seeing this all right
looks melted somebody missed the bag
with these bad guys here
and you have some light banter and
shenanigans from the characters
screwing around so not bill duke not to
be confused with duke
it's not a race thing look at this guy
right here and look at bill duke at
predator there you go so not bill duke
shines a light around the hallway
and it cuts to a light shining on the
kid's face so not bill duke is right
there next to him right
no there's nobody behind him he's alone
in a dark hallway with dangerous fire
extinguishers
no wait now he's there after the kid
emptied a whole [ __ ] clip into a
smoke machine
holy [ __ ] oh yeah meet lucy
lucy this is my brother john another
creature from the long lost past
you found human remains humanoid lady
it's a movie it's the same thing stop
nitpicking please
this is lucy's chromosome profile notice
anything
she's got 24 pairs of chromosomes humans
only have 23.
but what does the extra pair do makes
her super human
makes her superhuman how did you come to
that conclusion
was the fact that she was posed like a
horrified child clutching a doll at the
time of her death
wouldn't she in fact be super martian
because she's not actually human
her cells divide 50 times faster meaning
she heals almost instantly yet she's
dead
the fossil record indicates these people
had conquered disease i don't know what
this
has to do with demons from hell they
were so smart how come they're so
dead a shitty line but a valid point
so these two find dr carmack and he's
gone a little funny
so he's holding someone's hand and i'm
betting this is when we get some
possessed human action this should be
good
also they turned some lights on again
but he knows me john the guy covered in
blood holding a severed arm knows you
oh okay
yeah i get it he's creepy move along the
kid is kind of shook up he's a rookie
a newbie and he's stuck with this creepy
[ __ ] so he decides to take some drugs
that this creepy [ __ ]
has
so kitten portman head into the room
with the metal grates and pipes and oh
[ __ ] i think that's reaper so reaper and
kid
no oh no no so so reaper and duke
so reaper and bill duke so reaper and
not bill duke
so reaper and gop had this movie's run
time by pointing flashlights at things
and goat kicks a can down metal grates
and then oh god no that's not necessary
please don't oh boy
man when those demons show up this is
gonna be fun got this crazy religious
zealot who cuts himself whenever he says
god
god damn it even though his arm is
covered in those wounds they still let
him be an army man
how does one get out of this chicken
[ __ ] outfit so these two drugged up
marines find a naked woman in the locker
room
[Applause]
[Music]
ma'am
okay even though that kill had zero
weight because it only shows them firing
you have the words in blood you have
crazy possessed girl it's not quite
doomed but it's getting there
they're leading up to it i have a good
feeling that this might turn around on
us
so back to dr carmack what happened in
there
uh it's pretty vague but i'm guessing
someone needs to shut down a portal to
hell
right carl urban of the rock could be on
that [ __ ] like [ __ ] on [ __ ]
so reaper and goat shoot the people
holding on to zombie clint howard's
wires and not bill duke gets scared by a
monkey
and sarge gets monkey blood on his hand
and this woman
whoever she is she's taking carmax blood
and then they're running through these
dark hallways chasing something that
looks like a doom 3 amp and that means
that we need to go into the sewer
because in 2005 even the movies had
sewer levels
i can handle things here you should go
i want to stay who the [ __ ] are you
steve's gonna be okay
oh that's right she's steve's wife who
the [ __ ] is steve
guys looking for him are the best
is she dr impakowski professor archville
von buehler
no i got another one in me hold on uh
medtech lilly mancubus so carmack wakes
up and strips and everybody goes into
the sewer
which you can tell isn't the same as
everywhere else because there's water on
the ground
we got a dr willetts steve willis
dr steve willits okay so it's mrs
willits
they split up and look for the monster
and then
this isn't happening
not seeing much difference honestly
now we're talking imp attack and it
uh sucks him why
wha no no uh no fireballs
everyone get to the ark now the
quarantine zone evacuate the entire
facility
what the [ __ ] is going on up here what
this is what
what that's not what golden eye shot at
in genetics
well how the [ __ ] can you tell they all
look pretty similar
and it's really dark so everyone gets
evacuated and sarge says
the ark is sealed nothing gets back
until everything on this planet is dead
which i mean would include you guys
rock is getting a little bit of the
space madness from the monster's super
blood
with a little deductive reasoning i can
figure out the plot a little bit
so these monsters are mutated versions
of the scientists and staff
and they can infect others and make them
mutate there aren't any demons in this
movie are there
you guys made a doom movie without
demons are you planning to remake jaws
without the shark
maybe take the guns on a rambo the
aliens out of aliens the goddamn demons
and a god damn
doom what you could have demons in your
movie as long as they're shot with a
[ __ ] handicam
doc give me a shotgun and a barrel of
fish i am done
taking this movie [ __ ] done with people
walking around dark hallways pointing
their gun and flashlight
at things i'm done we're not covering it
anymore hey you remember mac
yeah don't worry about it oh they're in
the dig now
but they run upstairs to the lobby and
back to the steam tunnels
sarge goes out alone finds the arm from
earlier and takes the bfg
in the lab goat comes back and kills
himself
this thing didn't butcher willis
it is yeah we know move along so not
bill duke gets
power slammed by a thing that looks like
the hell knight from doom three straight
into the pit and apparently he can't see
it either
but to be fair he lasts longer than
anybody else
yeah lit off some steam bennett
oh yeah and portman dies in the [ __ ]
i guess that fits
i'm sick
you know what i want to take some sins
off this isn't bad it's not how the bfg
works but whatever
it's impressive enough i guess it's a
big [ __ ] gun too bad we never see
anything get killed with it
what are you people working on up here
we're analyzing bones
artifacts we're not doing anything like
this then what the [ __ ]
is that it must be a genetic mutation it
may even be reversible
dr carmack's condition is irreversible
because carmack's condition is that
he's dead yeah shoot some [ __ ]
monsters you killed like one monster
this entire time in a movie based
on a game where you kill more monsters
in the first level than there are in the
entirety of this movie
shoot more monsters please sarge is
clearly going crazy
but at the same time he's actually
trying to move the alleged plot forward
so sarge is the good guy here
subject was injected with study agent
003
what the hell are we looking at
genesis chapter do i even need to
explain why that's the stupidest [ __ ]
line in the movie which is 50
stupid lines and 50 terrible soldiers
running around
in the dark so man is playing god by
adding weird martian chromosomes to man
which causes mutations like this instead
of turning them into a potato
i'm sorry i thought that was a medical
term i mean [ __ ]
no i mean severely handicapped
i mean severely handy capable excellent
job
cb 11. you [ __ ] bondlord
this movie is actually resident evil in
space on mars
evil serum turns people into hideous
mutants that regenerate health
yeah okay fine invincible mutants this
is such a [ __ ] up of the premise that
they could have called the super mario
brothers
and no one would have said a goddamn
thing
super mario brothers this ain't no game
see the rock he's a mario and carl urban
he's a luigi
and rosario dawson is a beach and this
guy right here is a goomba and this guy
is my waning will to
[Music]
manifest live subject's extremities okay
if you had gone with the demons from
hell thing
none of the shitty completely wrong and
terrible science in this movie would
matter
just throw it out there don't you get it
it's this place it's hell it always was
i lied that's the stupidest line in this
movie
what are you doing we need to destroy
these discs
do you not see what's going on i didn't
see [ __ ]
and i ain't paid to see [ __ ] no you're
paid to be in [ __ ]
i thought being in the [ __ ] was a figure
of speech
no wait that actually works this guy
double taps a possible zombie
i think we found our hero in this movie
and it is duke
hey so remember pinky he got taken away
off screen
this demon uh excuse me this mutant cut
through this door
somehow we don't see it but it must be
something great because he made a
pentagonal hole like it cut through with
a lightsaber
sam sam why didn't you ask your cop we
gotta go now why do they take goat and
not destroy it
why carmack and not dr thurman okay i'll
bite what
had the 24th chromosome but she wasn't a
monster she died
protecting her child not devouring it
why the same chromosome that made her
superhuman turn
stall into a monster let's go just give
me a minute
we don't have them give me 10 seconds
i'll give you ten seconds baby
hmm this is its tongue this
is brain matter from portman
now i still don't get it
this is from destroyer
it's choosing john it's choosing who to
infect
yeah that guy named destroyer he had a
heart of gold
so the mutant virus only picks bad
people so we have to assume that sarge
is really a bad guy the kind of bad guy
who says
hey i know it would be emotionally
difficult for you to do a mission with
your estranged sister
but i'm giving you a choice whether or
not to go rather than ordering you to
stay
which is what i would do if i thought it
was going to jeopardize the mission in
any way whatsoever
what an [ __ ] choosing how's it
choosing
there are genetic markers for psychotic
and violent behavior
ten percent of the human genome is still
unmet some say it's the genetic
blueprint for the soul
maybe c24 is what destroyed the
population
people quarantined on the other side of
the ark they won't all be infected
what's going on sarge is going to kill
them all
yeah this is an ignorant decision but
when you have a virus that turns people
into monsters
and to prevent it from getting to earth
you have to kill a few dozen colonists
i'd do that i'd make that deal would you
make that i'd make that deal
i don't blame you damn good deal so the
threat level goes to orange and teal
as sarge kid and duke get everybody back
through the ark
and then everybody else gets killed so
they run through some dark corridors for
a while
and then holy [ __ ] zombies more than one
at a time
see this [ __ ] this is kind of doom sam
and reaper are right behind them
sarge come in do you copy
[Applause]
i'm clear look do not kill everybody i
repeat do not kill everybody they're not
all infected
give you a copy help me please copy that
i guess he's evil now why don't you
stand here you dumb son of a [ __ ] help
me up
hey pinkie's alive yay
oh hey mrs willits i forgot to tell you
your husband is a horrible mutated
monster
there's a storeroom to the south it's
got like 20 people hold up inside of it
we got to do something your orders were
to clear that sector okay let's just get
on with that
go to hell
holy [ __ ]
he was just 40 years from retirement
double weapons i mean it
have no intention of being killed by a
madman drop the weapons
oh there's something behind me isn't it
and it's almost a doom movie while they
stop to shoot a bunch of zombies
duke gets hudsoned and then the rock
gets burped and then reaper is badly
injured
and his sister tries to save his life by
injecting him with the super demon blood
what's that c-24
no it could save you no like forget it
you don't know me a fair point how
long's it been
ten years you're my brother
i know you i hate this movie
but things are looking up because it's
time for the only thing worth watching
in this movie
only 90 minutes in and a very
competently directed first person action
sequence where unlike every other scene
you can tell what's happening where the
character is going and is in relation to
everything else
and honestly this [ __ ] going
around blasting [ __ ] out of monsters
and the music and the inventive kills
this could have been the whole goddamn
movie
this is [ __ ] fantastic and with the
gore the explosions and oh god the
chainsaw on the big
even if the pinkie looks like the doom
three one this right here is [ __ ]
doom this is ripping and tearing being a
minute and a half going berserk this
works
and the fact that it's surrounded by
such a shitty movie makes my [ __ ]
blood boil
last man standing reaper
well that's over time for sergeant
reaper to fight
you killed the kid we're all killers
reaper it's what they pay us for
not technically wrong
semper fi [ __ ] i lied that's the
worst line in the movie john
i thought we could settle this like men
you might be thinking why is there a
wire fight in my doom movie
why is the rock power slamming reaper
what is even going on
why is he wrapping an inanimate carbon
rod over his hand
why didn't reaper just shoot him
what what
so reaper sends them through the ark and
then sends a grenade through
go to hell
nah that doesn't happen i wish it did
look i'm not the only person who thinks
this movie
sucks but i really can't hate on carl
urban or the rock
they did the best they could with this
[ __ ] it just seems like there was a
board of executives somewhere saying
no let's take the demons out it's too
controversial that's why the game was
controversial
so instead it's mutants even though
we're just gonna call them demons
some of the music is really good and
really do me and i don't mind them
completely changing the story if the one
they replaced it with wasn't even dumber
i i mean
the story in the ultimate doom you go
back to hell
to avenge the death of your pet rabbit
daisy
that's that's that's real that's canon
you take the fun futuristic sci-fi of
horrible teleportation accidents and
replace it with science that could be
questioned by someone who never
graduated
high school oh fish incoming
okay first of all leeches are not
[Music]
fish
[Music]
you
== Trivia ==
This video features the first appearance of John Carmack's genius as a running gag.
== Behind the Scenes ==
Category:Episodes
Category:Season 0
Category:Movie Reviews
Category:Doom