Mean Girls/Transcript

Chip Heron: This is your lunch, OK? Now, I put a dollar in there so you can buy some milk. You can ask one of the big kids where to do that.
Betsy Heron: You remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you, just in case. Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it. OK? You ready?
Cady Heron: I think so.
Chip Heron: It's Cady's big day.
Cady Heron: I guess it's natural for parents to cry on their kid's first day of school. But, you know, this usually happens when the kid is 5. I'm 16 and until today, I was home-schooled. I know what you're thinking. "Home-schooled kids are freaks."
X-Y-L-O-C-A-R-P.
Xylocarp.
Or that we're weirdly religious
or something.
And on the third day, God created
the Remington bolt-action rifle
so that Man could fight the dinosaurs.
And the homosexuals.
- Amen.
- Amen.
But my family's totally normal.
Except for the fact that both my
parents are research zoologists
and we've spent the last
I had a great life.
But then my mom got offered tenure
at Northwestern University.
So it was goodbye Africa
and hello high school.
I'm OK. Sorry.
I'll be careful.
Hi.
I don't know if anyone
told you about me.
I'm a new student here.
My name is Cady Heron.
Talk to me again
and I'll kick your ass.
You don't wanna sit there. Kristen
Hadley's boyfriend is gonna sit there.
Hey, baby.
He farts a lot.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
It's not you. I'm bad luck.
Ms. Norbury?
My T-shirt's stuck
to my sweater, isn't it?
- Yeah.
- Fantastic.
Is everything all right in here?
- Oh, yeah.
- So...
...how was your summer?
- I got divorced.
My carpal tunnel came back.
- I win.
- Yes, you do.
Well, I just wanted to let
everyone know
that we have a new student joining us.
She just moved here
all the way from Africa.
Welcome.
- I'm from Michigan.
- Great.
Her name is Cady. Cady Heron.
- Where are you, Cady?
- That's me.
- It's pronounced like Katie.
- My apologies.
I have a nephew named Anfernee,
and I know how mad he gets
when I call him Anthony.
Almost as mad as I get
when I think about the fact
that my sister named him Anfernee.
Well, welcome, Cady.
- And thank you, Mr. Duvall.
- Well, thank you.
And...
...if you need anything or if you
wanna talk to somebody...
Thanks.
Maybe some other time,
when my shirt isn't see-through.
OK.
OK. Good day, everybody.
The first day of school was a blur.
A stressful, surreal blur.
I got in trouble for the
most random things.
- Where are you going?
- Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.
You need the lavatory pass.
OK. Can I have the lavatory pass?
Nice try. Have a seat.
I had never lived in a world
where adults didn't trust me,
where they were always yelling at me.
- Don't read ahead!
- No green pen!
No food in class!
I told you, I saw the whole thing.
- Everything.
- Did you see nipple?
- It only counts if you saw a nipple.
- That's true, dude.
I had a lot of friends in Africa.
What?
But so far, none in Evanston.
Hey. How was your first day?
Is that your natural hair color?
- Yeah.
- It's gorgeous.
Thank you.
See, this is the color I want.
This is Damian.
He's almost too gay to function.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice wig, Janis.
- What's it made of?
- Your mom's chest hair!
- I'm Janis.
- Hi, I'm Cady.
Do you guys know
where Room G 14 is?
"Health, Tuesday/Thursday,
Room G 14."
I think that's in the back building.
- Yeah, that's in the back building.
- Yeah, we'll take you there.
Thanks.
Watch out, please!
New meat coming through!
"Health. Spanish."
You're taking 12th-grade calculus?
- Yeah, I like math.
- Why?
Because it's the same
in every country.
That's beautiful. This girl is deep.
Where's the back building?
It burned down in 1987.
Won't we get in some
sort of trouble for this?
Why would we get you into trouble?
We're your friends.
I know it's wrong to skip class,
but Janis said we were friends.
And I was in no position
to pass up friends.
I guess I'll never know what I missed
on that first day of health class.
Don't have sex. Because you
will get pregnant and die.
Don't have sex
in the missionary position,
don't have sex standing up.
Just don't do it, promise?
OK, everybody take some rubbers.
Why didn't they just keep
home-schooling you?
They wanted me to get socialized.
Oh, you'll get socialized, all right.
A little slice like you.
- What are you talking about?
- You're a regulation hottie.
- What?
- Own it.
How do you spell your
name again, Cady?
It's Cady. C-A-D-Y.
Yeah, I'm gonna call you Cady.
In the name of all that is holy, will you
look at Karen Smith's gym clothes?
Of course all The Plastics
are in the same gym class.
- Who are The Plastics?
- They're teen royalty.
If North Shore was Us Weekly,
they would always be on the cover.
That one there, that's Karen Smith.
She is one of the dumbest
girls you will ever meet.
Damian sat next to her
in English last year.
She asked me how to spell "orange".
And that little one?
That's Gretchen Wieners.
She's totally rich because
her dad invented Toaster Strudel.
Gretchen Wieners knows
everybody's business.
She knows everything
about everyone.
That's why her hair is so big.
It's full of secrets.
And evil takes a human
form in Regina George.
Don't be fooled, because she may seem
like your typical selfish, back-stabbing,
slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality,
she is so much more than that.
She's the queen bee.
The star. Those other two
are just her little workers.
Regina George.
How do I even begin
to explain Regina George?
Regina George is flawless.
She has two Fendi purses
and a silver Lexus.
I hear her hair's insured
for $10,000.
I hear she does car commercials.
In Japan.
Her favorite movie is Varsity blues.
One time, she met John Stamos
on a plane.
And he told her she was pretty.
One time,
she punched me in the face.
It was awesome.
She always looks fierce.
She always wins Spring Fling Queen.
- Who cares?
- I care.
Every year, the seniors throw
this dance for the underclassmen
called The Spring Fling.
And whomsoever is elected
Spring Fling King and Queen
automatically becomes head of the
Student Activities Committee.
And since I am an active member
of the Student Activities Committee,
I would say, yeah, I care.
Damian, you've truly
out-gayed yourself.
Here. This map is gonna
be your guide to North Shore.
Now, where you sit in
the cafeteria is crucial
because you got everybody there.
You got your freshmen,
ROTC guys,
preps, JV jocks,
Asian nerds,
cool Asians,
varsity jocks,
unfriendly black hotties,
girls who eat their feelings,
girls who don't eat anything,
desperate wannabes,
burnouts,
sexually active band geeks,
the greatest people
you will ever meet
and the worst.
Beware of The Plastics.
Hey. We're doing a lunchtime
survey of new students.
Can you answer a few questions?
- OK.
- Is your muffin buttered?
What?
Would you like us to assign
someone to butter your muffin?
- My what?
- Is he bothering you?
Jason, why are you such a skeez?
I'm just being friendly.
You were supposed
to call me last night.
Jason. You do not come to a party
at my house with Gretchen
and then scam on some poor, innocent
girl right in front of us three days later.
She's not interested.
Do you wanna have sex with him?
- No, thank you.
- Good. So it's settled.
So you can go shave your back now.
Bye, Jason.
Bitch.
Wait. Sit down.
Seriously, sit down.
Why don't I know you?
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