Episode 324: Cheryl Ladd/transcript

The Muppet Show transcript for Episode 324: Cheryl Ladd.
==Cold open==
 	The dressing room. Scooter knocks on the door and peers in.
Scooter	Cheryl Ladd. Cheryl Ladd? Twenty seconds to curtain, Miss Ladd.
Cheryl 	Oh, thank you, Scooter. Uh, I just can't seem to get my costume off.
Scooter	Off? You're supposed to put it on.
Cheryl 	(points to monster) I know, but, uh, first, he takes it off, and then, I'll put it on. (grins)
 	
==Theme==
Kermit 	It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Cheryl Ladd! Yaaay!
 	The curtain opens, and the theme begins.
Statler	Hey, would you guys be quiet? We're tying to heckle up here!
Waldorf	(chuckles)
 	
 	Gonzo's trumpet sounds like an alarm clock.
==Opening number==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show. Hey, tonight our special guest is one of the loveliest and most talented ladies of the entire entertainment world, Cheryl Ladd. But first, on stage, Miss Piggy and Link Hogthrob in a steamy jungle number. Many people nowadays are returning to the natural life in search of peace and tranquility? Well, this may change their mind.
 	
 	Open on a jungle setting, where butterflies fly and birds try to eat them. Piggy sits in a straw hut and sings the opening to "True Love". Link sings the first verse while swinging on a vine. He eventually hits the cliff and slides down. The tempo increases, and the jungle animals continue singing. A poacher fires at them with his shotgun. Piggy and Link resume the duet, but are quickly drowned out by the animals' loud noises.
Waldorf	Me Waldorf, you Statler. (chuckles)
Statler	No, you Waldorf, me sick. Sheesh.
==Backstage==
 	The cast walks past Kermit.
Kermit 	Okay, nicely sung, Piggy.
Miss Piggy 	Thank you, Kermie.
Kermit 	Yes, nicely sung, chimp.
 	Link swings by on the vine, crashing.
Kermit 	And nicely swung, Link. (through the intercom) Ah, Rowlf, on stage for your piano piece.
Rowlf 	I'm ready. Don't worry. It'll be great.
Kermit 	Mm-hmm.
Bust of Beethoven	It won't be great. Good, yes, but he plays it too fortissimo.
Kermit 	Whatever you say.
 	While Rowlf plays onstage, Fozzie approaches Kermit.
Fozzie 	Uh, Kermit, Kermit, excuse... (to bust) Hi. Uh, Kermit, excuse me, but are you busy?
Kermit 	Uh, well, I'm doing that introduction for Cheryl Ladd.
Fozzie 	Good. Listen. Uh, I've been, uh, reading a book here on self-improvement.
Kermit 	Yeah.
 	
Kermit 	And it says, uh, it says, uh, I should ask my boss … that's you … uh, to make a list of my good points and my bad points.
Kermit 	Oh, Fozzie, you don't want me to do that.
Fozzie 	Oh, but Kermit, I do. You see, it will help me to grow into a more mature and adult bear.
Kermit 	Well, okay, if you really want me to.
Fozzie 	Oh, thank you, Kermit. Thank you. (runs off)
 	Rowlf's solo concludes. Applause.
Rowlf 	Went pretty good, Kermit. But I think I played it too fortissimo.
Bust of Beethoven	What did I tell you?
Fozzie 	(comes back) Kermit, excuse me. Kermit. You know — you know that list?
Kermit 	Yeah.
Fozzie 	Well, when you make it, you know, really, really be … honest. Okay? But, uh, gentle. (leaves)
Kermit 	How can you gently run over someone with a truck? (goes onstage)
=="South Rampart Street Parade"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to a fanfare.
Kermit	Uh, ladies and gentlemen, our guest star tonight is best known for her dazzling performances on television. But acting is only one of the things she does well. See for yourself. Here she is, Cheryl Ladd!
 	
 	Cheryl sings "South Rampart Street Parade" and dances with Timmy Monster while the Clodhoppers play brass.
==Backstage==
Kermit 	(through the intercom) Okay, Pigs in Space next. Set up Pigs in Space.
 	The cast passes by him.
Kermit 	Okay, boy, that was a great number. That Cheryl Ladd is terrific.
Bust of Beethoven	Yes, but that trumpet player kept going flat.
Kermit 	If I remember my history, Beethoven was supposed to be deaf.
Bust of Beethoven	I'm not Beethoven, dummy. I'm a bust of Beethoven.
Kermit 	Of course.
Bust of Beethoven	It's a job. You gotta do something for a living and I'm a bust of Beethoven. Any more questions?
Kermit 	Uh, no, no, no, no, no, uh, nothing. Just forget the...
Fozzie 	Kermit, excuse me.
Kermit 	What?
Fozzie 	(to bust) Excuse me. Uh, Kermit, uh, have you finished that list, you know, with my good points and my bad points?
Kermit 	Uh, well, well, not yet. I just made a few notes and uh…
Fozzie 	Oh, oh, oh, a few notes, yes. Oh. Let's see. Um, uh...
 	He looks at the paper.
Fozzie 	… Kermit, you're kidding! You don't really think that I... (looks) Oh, no. Uh, not that. Kermit.
 	
Fozzie 	(to bust) Uh, look at this, look at...
Kermit 	Yeah, but...
Fozzie 	I don't believe this. Okay, sometimes I may be a little b... Oh, Kermit, not this.
Kermit 	Well, uh, uh, uh, Fozzie, I think I better explain. You see…
Fozzie 	No, no. Oh, no. Kermit, it's okay. It's okay! I can understand how you might think that I have these bad points.
Kermit 	Uh, well, a-actually that list is your good points.
 	A beat. Fozzie slowly facepalms.
Kermit 	I, I, I think I better go get a cup of coffee.
Bust of Beethoven	You wanna talk bad points? Let's start with that crummy hat you always wear.
 	Fozzie growls at the bust and goes away.
==Pigs in Space==
 	The Swinetrek goes backwards through space.
Announcer 	And now, PIGS… IN… SPACE! When last we left the Swinetrek, Dr. Strangepork was on the verge of completing his mysterious experiment.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, Link, this is it. At last my work is completed and I can present the universe with this little baby.
Link Hogthrob 	Well, what is it?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	It's a pill that makes pigs invisible.
Link Hogthrob 	Hmm. What a wonderful and useful invention. Let's try it.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Oh, certainly.
 	They each take a pill.
Link Hogthrob 	Well, here's looking at you.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	But not for long.
 	
 	They both chuckle as they disappear.
Link Hogthrob 	This is weird.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Well, I think it's peachy neat.
Link Hogthrob 	I think I'm gonna have to sit down. (yawns, sits down)
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Link, Link, uh, Strangepork. Uh... Hmm. No one on the bridge. Strange.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	(giggles)
Link Hogthrob 	Shh!
Miss Piggy 	Hello? Link? Hello? Hmm. Well, I'll just use the intercom.
 	She sits in Link's chair. Link yelps, startling her.
Miss Piggy 	Whoo-hoo. I'd say this chair was due for a spell of leave. (through the intercom) Uh, testing, one, two, three. Hogthrob to the bridge. Hogthrob to...
 	The microphone starts moving.
Miss Piggy 	What the hey?
 	It hits her.
Miss Piggy 	Ha! I know that hit!
 	Strangepork reappears, giggling.
Miss Piggy 	Strangepork!
 	Link reappears.
Miss Piggy 	Link!
Link Hogthrob 	Huh, the pills are beginning to wear off.
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Mm-hmm.
Miss Piggy 	Pills? What do you mea— aha. I get it. Okay, how'd you like a taste of your own medicine?
 	She takes a pill, then laughs as she disappears.
Link Hogthrob 	Uh, w-w-what do you think she's planning?
Dr. Julius Strangepork	I don't know, Link, but let's not shtick around to find out!
Link Hogthrob 	Yeah.
Miss Piggy 	Link?
Link Hogthrob 	Huh?
Miss Piggy 	Hi-YAH! (karate-chops him)
Dr. Julius Strangepork	Uh-oh. Too late. We found out. (she gives him one, then gives Link another one)
==UK spot==
 	Two Whatnots have a picnic in an open field.
Whatnot (FO)	Oh, smell that country air.
 	They breathe in and out.
Whatnot (LG)	Yes, it's a lovely spot for a picnic 'round 'ere. It's really nice.
Whatnot (FO)	Shh. What's that sound?
 	
 	They hear a strange mewling and look down. Pan down to underground, where spelunker Scooter sings "There's a New Sound" — accompanied by worms and other creatures.
==Dressing room==
 	Piggy knocks and enters.
Miss Piggy 	Excusez-moi, Cheryl. Are you busy?
Cheryl 	Oh, no, Miss Piggy. Come in.
Miss Piggy 	Ah, thank you.
Cheryl 	Oh, by the way, I borrowed some of your perfume. I hope you don't mind.
Miss Piggy 	(sniffs her) Oh, that stuff's okay.
Cheryl 	Oh. Oh — I'm so glad you came in, because there was something I wanted to talk to you about.
Miss Piggy 	Oh? Tell me. Yes?
Cheryl 	Oh…
Miss Piggy 	No, go ahead. Oh, come on.
Cheryl 	I am really a big fan of yours.
Miss Piggy 	Of course. Although I … I am a bit surprised. You see, most women are insanely jealous of me.
Cheryl 	Oh. Well, I can understand that. You certainly are a threat.
Miss Piggy 	Mm-hmm. Beauty can be a curse.
Cheryl 	Would you like to know what I admire most about you?
Miss Piggy 	Well... ahem… I, uh, I'd like to guess. Um, my big blue eyes? My beautiful blonde hair? My — (poses) sylph-like figure?
Cheryl 	Nope, your chops.
Miss Piggy 	What?
Cheryl 	Your chops. Your karate chops.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, yeah, oh, "ha-ha," like that. Oh, yes, of course.
Cheryl 	You know what? You're really super. I've seen you in action.
Miss Piggy 	Well, I've seen you deck a few baddies yourself.
Cheryl 	After all, we have to protect ourselves.
Miss Piggy 	Mm-hmm.
Cheryl 	We are just helpless girls.
Miss Piggy 	Mm-hmm.
 	Cue the music.
Miss Piggy 	Ready?
Cheryl 	Ready.
 	They both go behind a dressing board.
Cheryl 	
I'm a girl and by me that's only great.
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy.
Miss Piggy 	
I walk with a sweet and girlish gait,
With my hips kinda swivelly and swervery.
Cheryl 	
I adore being dressed in something frilly
When my date comes to get me at my place.
 	They both emerge wearing karate outfits.
Miss Piggy 	
Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy
Like a filly who is ready for the race!
Ahem.
Cheryl 	Oh, oh. This is the dummy I practice on.
Miss Piggy 	Oh, Cheryl, how sweet. I have a dummy too. Kermie!
Kermit 	(enters) Yeah? Wh-What do you want?
Miss Piggy 	Now, sweetie, just trust me.
Kermit 	Yeah?
Cheryl 	Ready?
Miss Piggy 	Right. Ahem.
 	
 	They both practice attacking their "dummies" as they sing.
Cheryl 	
When I have a brand new hairdo — HAH!
With my eyelashes all in curls,
I float like the clouds on air do.
I enjoy being a girl.
Miss Piggy 	Ahem.
When men say I'm cute and funny — Hi-YAH!
And my teeth aren't teeth but pearls,
I just lap it up like — (throws Kermit) — honey.
I enjoy being a girl.
Cheryl 	(throws her dummy)
I flip when a fella sends me flowers.
Miss Piggy 	(throws Kermit)
I drool over dresses made of lace.
Cheryl 	(chops the phone)
I talk on the telephone for hours
Miss Piggy 	With a pound and a half of cream upon his face!
Kermit 	What?
 	Cheryl hits him in the face with a pie.
Miss Piggy 	All right!
Cheryl 	(punches a hole in the wall)
I'm strictly a female female…
Miss Piggy 	Yeah! (knocks over the board)
And my future I hope will be… Ha-ha!
 	They destroy the dressing room and gently end the song.
 	
Cheryl & Piggy	
In the home of a brave and free male,
Who'll enjoy being a guy … having a girl …
Like me.
 	Applause.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit wipes the pie off his face. Some entranced chickens stand behind him.
Kermit 	Huh, lemon meringue. (through the intercom) Okay, Gonzo, stand by for your hypnotism act. Chickens, what are you doing here? Shoo, shoo!
Gonzo 	Kermit! Kermit!
Kermit 	What?
Gonzo 	Careful!
Kermit 	What?
 	
Gonzo 	(whispers) Those chickens are hypnotized.
Kermit 	Hypnotized chickens?
Gonzo 	Yes. They're in my power.
Kermit 	Uh … Gonzo. I, I don't believe this.
Gonzo 	Oh, sure. See, I hypnotize 'em and then I can get 'em to do anything I want.
Kermit 	Uh, like what?
Gonzo 	Animal impressions. (to chickens) Puppy dog!
Chickens	(entranced) Bark-bark. Bark-bark. Bark-bark.
Kermit 	Uh, Gonzo, that is terrible. I'm not even gonna introduce you for a crummy act like that.
Gonzo 	Sic him.
 	They start attacking Kermit and pushing him onstage.
Chickens	(entranced) Bow-wow, bow-wow.
Gonzo 	Down, girl.
==Gonzo's stunt==
 	The chickens push Kermit onstage.
Kermit 	Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'll introduce him.
Chicken	Meow.
Kermit 	Huh? Uh, any how, here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Uh, your own and you're welcome to him, Gonzo the Great! (shoos chickens) Off, off, off, off.
 	A fanfare plays, and only a few people clap as the curtain opens on Gonzo.
Gonzo 	Thank you, thank you. And now, students of the occult, I shall demonstrate my amazing powers of hypnosis. I shall place a member of the audience in a trance. Aided only by the mysterious strength of hypnotic suggestion, my subject will support, with only one hand, this — (the curtain opens on a —) five thousand pound weight. Who will be the first lucky volunteer?
 	Statler and Waldorf look down at the crowd.
Gonzo 	Well, it's just a question of mind over matter.
Waldorf	That's right! You don't mind and we don't matter.
 	They chuckle.
Gonzo 	You'll live to regret this!
Statler	We intend to!
 	They chuckle.
Gonzo 	I just don't understand you people! Immortality is up for grabs! But you don't deserve it.
Waldorf	No, but you do.
 	They chuckle.
Gonzo 	What a terrific idea! I'll hypnotize myself. I'll go down in history! Ahem.
 	He looks in a hand mirror.
 	
Gonzo 	Look deep into my eyes. … Make my mind a COMPLETE blank. My eyelids are getting heavy. … I am falling into my power. When I count three I will have the strength of an army. One, two, three.
 	He gets under the weight and attempts to hold it up.
Gonzo 	Release the ropes!
 	The ropes are released.
Statler	That's very impressive. But how do you get out of it?
Gonzo 	It's simple. I just snap my fingers.
 	He snaps his fingers, and the weight falls on top of him. Statler and Waldorf laugh. Gonzo, having been squished, lifts the weight off himself.
Gonzo 	Hey Kermit! It went terrific!
Waldorf	He says it went terrific, but I know how he really feels.
Statler	How's that?
Waldorf	(gestures) About so high.
 	They chuckle.
==Backstage==
 	Kermit looks down at Gonzo as he passes by.
Kermit	Okay, that was a, uh, nice one, Gonzo.
 	
Gonzo 	It was a triumph.
Kermit	Yeah. I don't know where you find these acts to do.
Gonzo 	Oh, I just keep my ear to the ground.
Kermit	It looks like it. (goes onstage)
=="Sunshine on My Shoulders"==
 	Main stage. Kermit enters to applause.
Kermit 	Uh, you will all be happy to know that Gonzo did survive that last act, and is about to embark on a new career as a lump. (gulp) But now it's time for our closing number. Are we ready back there?
Voice (FO)	Who wants to know?
Kermit 	I do!
Voice (FO)	Oh, oh, oh, yeah, sorry, boss.
Kermit 	Uh. Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the wonderful Miss Cheryl Ladd!
 	
 	Cheryl and the Muppets sing "Sunshine on My Shoulders" in a garden setting.
==Goodnights==
Kermit 	Well, it looks like we've come down to the end of another one. But, before we go, let us have a warm thank you for our very special guest, Miss Cheryl Ladd. Yaaay!
 	Applause.
Cheryl 	You know, Kermit, I just wanted to tell you thank you. I have had so much fun working with the Muppets. I wanna thank each one of you, starting from the top.
 	
Gonzo 	Oh, no. That means I'm last.
Kermit 	Uh, hey, Gonzo, don't be such a baby. Grow up.
Gonzo 	I'm trying, I'm trying.
 	Cheryl and the Muppets laugh at him.
Kermit 	Okay, well, we'll see you next time on The Muppet Show! (to Cheryl) It was really nice to have you here.
 	The credits roll as the chatter continues.
Waldorf	Well, let's go while the going's good.
Statler	Well, I'm glad something's good tonight.
 	They chuckle.
__NOWYSIWYG__
Category:Muppet Show Transcripts