Transcripts/The Fuzzy Boots Corollary

==Season 1 - Episode 3 - The Fuzzy Boots Corollary==
Scene 	Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Sheldon, Leonard, Howard and Raj are using laptops. All are wearing microphone headsets.
Howard 	Alright, just a few more feet, and.... here we are gentlemen, the Gates of Elzebub.
Sheldon 	Good lord!
Raj 	Oooh.
Leonard 	Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard 	Stay frosty, there's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword of Azeroth.
Leonard 	Warriors, unsheathe your weapons, magic wielders raise your wands.
Sheldon 	Lock and load.
Howard 	Raj, blow up the gates.
Raj 	Blowing the gates. Control, shift, B! Oh, my God, so many goblins!
Howard 	Don't just stand there, slash and move, slash and move.
Leonard 	Stay in formation.
Howard 	Leonard, you've got one on your tail.
Leonard 	That's alright, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off.
Raj 	I’ve got him Leonard. Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard 	Raj, no, it's a trap, they're flanking us!
Raj 	Oooh, he's got me.
Howard 	Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleath spell. Sheldon! Sheldon!
Sheldon 	I’ve got the Sword of Azeroth!
Leonard 	Forget the sword, Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon 	There is no more Sheldon, I am the Swordmaster!
Howard 	Leonard look out!
Leonard 	Dammit man, we’re dying here.
Sheldon 	Goodbye, peasants.
Leonard 	The bastard teleported.
Raj 	He's selling the Sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard 	You betrayed us for money, who are you?
Sheldon 	I'm a rogue knight elf, don't you people read character descriptions? Wait, wait, wait, somebody just clicked “buy it now.”
Howard 	I am the Swordmaster!
 	Credits sequence
Scene 	The same.
Sheldon 	Whooh, I'm all sweaty, anybody want to log on to second life and go swimming, I just built a virtual pool.
Leonard 	No, I can't look at you or your avatar right now.
 	(Sound of female laughter from out in the hall).
Howard 	Sounds like your neighbour's home.
Leonard 	Excuse me.
Sheldon 	Don't forget the mail you took accidentally on purpose so you'd have an excuse to talk to her.
Leonard 	Oh, right, right right right right.
Howard 	Stealing snail mail, very old school, I like it.
Leonard 	(Exiting to hallway) Penny, the mail man did it again, he... (looks up to see Penny kissing a hunky man) Oh! Sorry.
Penny 	Um, no, hi Leonard, this is Doug, Doug, this is my neighbour Leonard.
Doug 	What's up bro?
Leonard 	Not much. Bro.
Penny 	Is, is everything okay.
Leonard 	Uh, yeah, uh, I just, I got your mail again, here.
Penny 	Thank you, I’ve got to talk to that mail man.
Leonard 	Oh no, that's probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.
Penny 	Okay, well, thank you, again.
Leonard 	No problem. Bye. Oh, and, bye, bro! (Returns to apartment).
Sheldon 	Penny for your thoughts.
Raj 	What's the matter.
Leonard 	No, I'm fine. Penny's fine, the guy she's kissing is really fine and...
Howard 	Kissing, what kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chaste? French?
Leonard 	What is wrong with you?
Howard 	I'm a romantic.
Sheldon 	Please don't tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
Leonard 	No, I'm not jealous, I'm just a little concerned for her. I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Howard 	Because he looks better than you?
Leonard 	Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.
Sheldon 	Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smouldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her, and analyse the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
Howard 	I disagree, love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray.
Leonard 	Well, I'm done with Penny. I'm going to be more realistic and go after someone my own speed.
Raj 	Like who?
Leonard 	I don't know. Olivia Geiger?
Sheldon 	The dietitian at the cafeteria with the limp and the lazy eye?
Leonard 	Yeah.
Sheldon 	Well, I don't think you have a shot there. I have noticed that Leslie Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now, given that winter is coming one can only assume that she is signalling sexual availability.
Howard 	I don't know, you guys work in the same lab.
Leonard 	So?
Howard 	There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm... a bit of a self-taught expert.
Leonard 	Look, Howard, if I were to ask Leslie Winkle out it would just be for dinner, I'm not going to walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Howard 	Oh, then you're probably okay.
Scene 	Leonard and Leslie's lab.
Leonard 	Hello Leslie.
Leslie 	Hi Leonard.
Leonard 	Leslie I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie 	Goggles, Leonard.
Leonard 	Right. Leslie, I would like to propose an experiment.
Leslie 	Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o’ noodles.
Leonard 	Pfff, I’ve done it, about two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone. Anyway, I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie 	Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard 	I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component. But we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie 	What sort of experiment would you propose?
Leonard 	There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie 	Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.
Leonard 	Heart rate, pheromones, etc., yes.
Leslie 	Well, why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable.
Leonard 	You mean, kiss you now?
Leslie 	Yes.
Leonard 	Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie 	Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?
Leonard 	Thank you. (Takes mint). Shall I count down from three?
Leslie 	No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.
 	(They kiss.)
Leslie 	What do you think?
Leonard 	You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.
Leslie 	Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.
Leonard 	None?
Leslie 	None.
Leonard 	Ah. Well, thank you for your time.
Leslie 	Thank you.
 	(They shake hands. Leonard leaves. Then returns.)
Leonard 	None at all?
Scene 	Sheldon and Leonard’s flat. Sheldon, Raj and Howard are playing Jenga.
Howard 	Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon 	That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Howard 	Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon 	Uh, let me ask you this. When I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's three laws of robotics?
Raj 	You might be bound by them right now.
Howard 	That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or through inaction allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon 	Of course not.
Howard 	Have you ever harmed yourself, or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would have been endangered?
Sheldon 	Well, no.
Howard 	I smell robot.
Leonard 	(Entering) Hey, what's going on.
Sheldon 	The internet's been down for half an hour.
Raj 	Also, Sheldon may be a robot.
Howard 	So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard 	Oh, we tried kissing, but the earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles that it was going to move anyway.
Sheldon 	Oh, I’ve seen that look before. This is just going to be two weeks of moping and tedious emo songs, and calling me to come down to pet stores to look at cats. I don't know if I can take it.
Raj 	You could power down.
Howard 	Well, as usual, Wolowitz has the solution. I happen to know a place where there are plenty of eligible women, and Leonard could have his pick.
Scene 	A salsa class. The four guys and a random fat bloke salsa opposite five middle-aged women.
Class instructor	Remember the Latin hips. Shoulders stay still, and we sway. One two three. Five six seven.
Howard 	(To Leonard) I think Mrs Tishman's got her eye on you. I’ve been there, you're in for a treat.
Scene 	The flat, Leonard is entering, singing to himself a depressing song.
Sheldon 	Oh, good lord.
Leonard 	(Singing) You don't know me, you don't wear my chains, oh yeah... God, that's a good song.
Sheldon 	If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide. (Leonard is taking supplies out of a bag) Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.
Leonard 	I know what you're thinking, I’ve taken your asthma into account. There's a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.
Sheldon 	Leonard, listen to me...
Leonard 	I’ve been thinking about names, I'm kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.
Sheldon 	Leonard, do you really think you can satisfy your need for a relationship with a genetically altered cat?
Leonard 	Maybe, if it's a cute little cuddly cat.
Sheldon 	Oh, come on, Leonard! This is obviously about Penny.
Leonard 	It doesn't matter. The woman's not interested in me, the woman rejected me.
Sheldon 	Okay, look, I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flash light searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did no reject you. You did not ask her out.
Leonard 	You're right. I didn't ask her out, I should ask her out.
Sheldon 	No. No, now that was not my point. My point was, don't buy a cat.
Leonard 	No, but you're right. I should march over there and ask her out.
Sheldon 	Oh, goody, we’re getting a cat.
Scene 	The hallway. Leonard knocks on Penny’s door.
Penny 	(Opening door) Ah, hey Leonard.
Leonard 	Good afternoon Penny, so hi, hey. Uh... I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Penny 	Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?
Leonard 	There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
Penny 	Supper?
Leonard 	Or dinner. I was thinking six thirty, if you can go, or a different time.
Penny 	Uh, six thirty's great.
Leonard 	Really? Great!
Penny 	Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Leonard 	Us guys?
Penny 	You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj, who all's coming?
Leonard 	They.... might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there, uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns, for example Sheldon had Quiznos for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn't, it's no fault of Quiznos, they have a varied menu.
Penny 	Okay, whatever, it sounds like fun.
Leonard 	Great. Did we say a time?
Penny 	Six thirty.
Leonard 	And that's still good for you.
Penny 	It's fine.
Leonard 	Cos it's not carved in stone.
Penny 	No, six thirty's great.
Leonard 	I'll get my chisel.
Penny 	Why?
Leonard 	To... carve the... okay, I'll see you six thirty.
Scene 	Sheldon and Leonard’s apartment. Leonard enters from bedrooms, dressed in a smart shirt and trousers. They are covered in sweat stains.
Leonard 	How do I look?
Sheldon 	Could you be more specific?
Leonard 	Can you tell I'm perspiring a little?
Sheldon 	No. The dark crescent-shaped patterns under your arms conceal it nicely. What time is your date?
Leonard 	Six thirty.
Sheldon 	Perfect, that gives you two hours and fifteen minutes for that dense molecular cloud of Aramis to dissipate.
Leonard 	Is it too much?
Sheldon 	Not if you're a rugby team.
Leonard 	By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn't join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quiznos.
Sheldon 	Why would I join you?
Leonard 	No reason. Oh, you know what, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Sheldon 	Oh, no, no, no, well now, there's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgement on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Leonard 	You're right, alcohol, poor judgement, it could go well.
Sheldon 	Of course, there's the other possibility that this date kicks off a rather unpleasant six months of the two of you passing awkwardly in the hall until one of you breaks down and moves to another zip code.
Leonard 	You could have stopped at “it could go well.”
Sheldon 	If I could of, I would of.
Leonard 	I mean, I'm a perfectly nice guy. There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, “you love pottery? I love pottery!” You know, there's a pause, we both know what's happening, I lean in, we kiss, it's a little tentative at first but then I realize, she's kissing me back, and she's biting my lower lip, you know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we’re going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!
Sheldon 	Is the sex starting now?
Leonard 	I'm having a panic attack.
Sheldon 	Oh, okay, well then, calm down.
Leonard 	If I could calm down I wouldn't be having a panic attack, that's why they call it a panic attack.
Sheldon 	Alright, alright, well, just, sit down, yes, sit down, now close your eyes.
Leonard 	Why?
Sheldon 	Just do it.
Leonard 	Okay.
Sheldon 	Now try to increase your alpha-wave activity.
Leonard 	What?
Sheldon 	It's a bio-feedback technique, it's relaxation through brain-wave manipulation, I read a paper about it in the Journal of American Neuroscience, it was a little sparsely sourced but I think the basic science is valid, I probably have it here somewhere.
Leonard 	Oh, who am I kidding, I can't go through with this, you need to call her and cancel.
Sheldon 	Me?
Leonard 	Yes.
Sheldon 	What should I tell her.
Leonard 	I don't know. Tell her I'm sick.
Sheldon 	Okay.
Leonard 	Not the kind of illness that will make her want to come over and take care of me, but nothing so critical that she'll feel uncomfortable going out with me in the future if I want to try this again.
Sheldon 	Got it. So I'm assuming nothing venereal. I'll just tell her that you had a routine colonoscopy and haven't quite bounced back.
Leonard 	Give me the phone.
Sheldon 	But I thought you wanted to cancel?
Leonard 	I can't because if I don't show up she'll still be expecting you.
Sheldon 	Why would she be expecting me?
Leonard 	Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.
Scene 	A restaurant.
Penny 	So are the rest of the guys meeting us here?
Leonard 	Oh, yeah, no. Turns out that Raj and Howard had to work, and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
Penny 	Ooh, my uncle just had a colonoscopy.
Leonard 	You're kidding, well, then, that's something we have in common.
Penny 	How?
Leonard 	We both have people in our lives who... want to nip intestinal polyps in the bud.
Penny 	So, what's new in the world of physics?
Leonard 	Nothing.
Penny 	Really, nothing?
Leonard 	Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930s, and you can't prove string theory, at best you can say “hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.”
Penny 	Ah. Well I'm sure things will pick up.
Leonard 	What's new at the Cheesecake Factory?
Penny 	Oh, uh, not much. We do have a chocolate key lime that's moving pretty well.
Leonard 	Good. Good. And what about your, uh, hallway friend.
Penny 	Doug? Oh, yeah, I dunno, I mean, you know, he's nice and funny, but...
Waitress 	Can I get you started with some drinks?
Leonard 	No, (waves her away) You were saying, but...
Penny 	I'd like a drink.
Leonard 	Just say the but thing about Doug and then I'll get her back.
Penny 	Okay, well, you know, it's just me. I'm still getting over this break-up with Kurt, and this thing with Doug would be just rebound sex.
Leonard 	Ugh, don't get me started on rebound sex.
Penny 	It's just, it's my pattern. I break up, then I find some cute guy, and then it's just thirty six meaningless hours of... well, you know.
Leonard 	I'm not sure that I do. Um, is that one thirty-six hour experience, or is it thirty six hours spread out over say, one... glorious summer.
Penny 	No, it's usually over a weekend, and trust me, you do not feel good after it.
Leonard 	Well, chafing, right?
Penny 	Emotionally.
Leonard 	Of course, yeah, emotional chafing. Hey, do you want to see something cool? (Penny nods.) I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
Penny 	How?
Leonard 	Physics. (He places the glass over the olive and spins it until the olive gets caught up on the side).
Penny 	Wow, centrifugal force!
Leonard 	Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive. (The olive drops.) Excuse me. (Leonard disappears under table.)Now, if you were riding on the olive, you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame, and would (he bangs his head on the underside of the table.)
Penny 	Are you okay?
Leonard 	Yeah, I'm okay. Did you spill ketchup?
Penny 	No.
Leonard 	I'm not okay.
Scene 	The stairwell of the apartment building.
Penny 	Are you sure you don't want to go to the emergency room?
Leonard 	No, no, I'm okay, it's stopped bleeding.
Penny 	I know, but you did throw up. Isn't that a sign of a concussion?
Leonard 	Yes, but I get car sick too, so...
Penny 	Okay.
Leonard 	Sorry about your car, by the way.
Penny 	Oh, no, it's fine, you got most of it out the window.
Leonard 	The poor guy on the bike. I had a nice time.
Penny 	Yeah, me too. Well, um, good night. (Leonard turns across hallway.) Leonard?
Leonard 	Yeah.
Penny 	Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard 	This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny 	Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard 	When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I'm going to go lay down for a while, good night.
Scene 	The apartment, Leonard enters.
Sheldon 	So, how was your date?
Leonard 	Awesome!
Sheldon 	Score one for liquor and poor judgement.
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Category:Transcripts
Category:Season 1 (The Big Bang Theory)