SBFW: Finding Bigfoot/The Movie

This page is simply every episode of SBFW: Finding Bigfoot - as well as "Overcrowded" - in chronological order with some edits to work as a cohesive piece.
==Transcript==
[The series starts with Joe eating popcorn in a pitch-black room, with the only light coming from the television screen. The news is playing.]
Joe: God, I FUCKING love BBC News!
BBC News Reporter: North American searchers think they are on the verge of spotting Bigfoot, the infamous mythical creature. Here’s an impersonator of the beast right here in our studio.
[It cuts to an immensely hairy naked man in the BBC News studio.]
BBC News Reporter: Now, Mr. Bigfoot, where are you exactly?
Bigfoot Impersonator: TRUMP WON THE 2020 US ELECTION FAIR AND SQUARE!
BBC News Reporter: Is that some kind of cryptic code dropping hints for where your location is, Largetoe?
Bigfoot Impersonator: Can I talk to a REAL news reporter and not this WHORE?
BBC News Reporter: What I do in the streets of London from 11pm to 2am is none of your business, Mr. Foot.
[Cut back to Joe.]
Joe: They’re all wasting time! I can find Bigfoot in no time. I just need to get prepared for the journey.
[Joe runs to his kitchen, mostly empty, and takes a water bottle as well as an ice cube containing a condom.]
Joe: This should keep me safe for the cold winters of Canada.
BBC News Reporter: [from other room] Reports claim that Bigfoot is in Mexico.
[Timecard: ‘Two Months Later…’]
[Joe is now hiking in a forest, dehydrated to the point of turning purple, with dry crusty lips that start cracking when he opens his mouth to breathe. His nose is inexplicably missing.]
Joe: Well, I think this calls for my last resort.
[He picks out the ice cube condom from his pocket, before realising both the ice and the condom had melted.]
Joe: Welp, I guess I’m paying child support. Now where in this forest is there a raccoon…
[A furry beast is seen in the corner of Joe’s eye.]
Joe: THERE IT IS! I can see it! Boogfeet!
[Joe starts running, only for it to zoom out and we find out he is walking pathetically slowly.]
Joe: I’ll catch up to you in no time. Wait, that isn’t Bigfoot.
[A net is thrown over Joe and we cut to him in a hospital bed.]
Joe: What is going on?!
Nurse Fish: We’re just here to make sure you’re safe after you got lost in the woods, eh?
Joe: “Eh”? What are you, Guatemalan? I thought I was in the wonderful white-people woodlands of Canada.
Nurse Fish: You are, Sir. And we are a multicultural society, so we do not appreciate your racist remarks.
Joe: Great, now woke snowflakes are cancelling me for tryin’ to find Bigfoot--
[Cut to Joe being kicked out of the hospital.]
Joe: Well, it can be worse. Hell, it could be raining. [pause] Okay, this is the part where it’s supposed to rain.
[A man with a pistol shoots Joe in the arm five times.]
Joe: This is the life.
[Cut to Joe setting up a webcam in an abandoned garage which contains a boxing ring as well as a barrel full of sex toys that Joe angles the camera away from.]
Joe: Hey pussies, I’m Joe. Second name Joe, first name Mama. Wait, let’s try that again–
[Test card. Cut back to Joe in the garage.]
Joe: What’s up, pussies? It’s your boy, Joe. First name Joe, second name Mama. As you can see, I am in a world champion’s training facilities to train for my fight with Bigfoot.
[Pan to show the spiders crawling up and down the walls, a fire inexplicably burning in the corner near the sex toys, and wood cracking on the roof.]
Joe: I hope you guys are ready to see some action when I tear Bigfoot a new furry asshole. 
[A middle-aged, drunken shirtless man crashes through the roof, falling onto the floor with a burp and covered in splinters.]
Man: Hey, son! Your mom kicked me outta bed because I made “unwanted sexual advances towards her” - it’s crazy what they’re calling slapping your girl’s ass nowadays. Say, Joe, I had to move some of your My Little Pony figurines, they were getting in the way of my liquor cabinet.
Joe: Dad!
Joe’s Dad: Aw, are you filmin’ one of your little videos? What do they call ‘em, Joey? YouTube Poops?
Joe: I’m documenting my training before I go out and kick Bigfoot’s ass.
Joe’s Dad: You know you gotta FIND someone before you kick their ass. I learned that the hard way with Nixon back in the day.
Joe: But, Dad, you did kick Nixon’s ass.
[A caption shows up in Comic Sans that reads: “In this universe, Richard Nixon was assassinated in 1971 via T-shirt cannon in New York City.”]
Joe’s Dad: Yeah, but not in the way I really wanted to. See, kid, when you’re preparing to fight someone, especially someone twice your own size like Figboot, you’ve gotta be on the defense more than the offense. Sitting here in boxing gloves and just beating up a sandbag ain’t gonna help you. What you’ve got to do is fight your old man. I still got it in me. Look.
[Joe’s Dad picks up a shotgun and fires rounds in the garage whilst Joe ducks. The bullets break the windows and for some reason, the barrel of sex toys explodes, creating fireworks.]
Joe: Thanks, Dad, but I don’t think Bigfoot will have firearms at disposal.
Joe’s Dad: Bullshit! Weren’t you watching that documentary with me last Christmas?
Joe: That wasn’t a Bigfoot documentary, Dad, that was Die Hard.
Joe’s Dad: Now you’re splitting hairs. Come on, you’re just stallin’ now, son. Beat your ol’ dad up!
Joe: I’m not doing that, you have a gun.
Joe’s Dad: Awww, don’t wanna fight your ol’ man? Come on, it don’t mean nothing by it. Ain’t no emotions been flowing in this house since Vietnam. Just give me a punch in the stomach.
Joe: Well, alright, if you say so.
[Joe does a run up and pokes his fist into his father’s stomach. Despite the sweat perspiring from Joe’s arm, his fits hits the stomach with a twinkle and barely even touches Joe’s Dad. Out of pity, however, Joe’s Dad plays up the combat.]
Joe’s Dad: OW! Damn, you’re strong, Joe! I felt like I was gonna throw up my lunch!
Joe: You didn’t have lunch. You haven’t eaten or drank anything that isn’t Budweiser since I was five. 
Joe’s Dad: It was figurative, Joey. Anyway, now that you’ve given me the attack of a lifetime, your old man needs to strike back! If I can, that is, you might have weakened me already.
[A few moments of contemplation.]
Joe’s Dad: A-ha! I got this!
[He shoots Joe in the arm five times, making Joe fall unconscious on the floor.]
Joe’s Dad: My job here is done. [talking to himself] Sometimes, Jonathan, you can be a great dad.
[Cut to Joe sitting down in the garage, opening his laptop to YouTube and checking his notifications, before we are treated to a new and exclusive Equals Three video by .]
Ray William Johnson: What’s happenin’, forum? So I saw this funny-ass video that got two million hits on YouTube. Check it out.
[Ray plays a video of Joe in his garage from last episode.]
Joe: Hey [annoying bleep sound], I’m Joe. Second name Joe, first name Mama. 
[Cut back to Ray.]
Ray: So this idiot thinks he can find Bigfoot and beat his ass! 
[Text shows up to Ray’s side that reads, “I Am Infertile”.]
Ray: The funniest part of this isn’t the fact that this kid thinks he can beat the [annoying bleep sound] out of Bigfoot, but actually when his drunken dad drops in through the window. Watch this.
[He plays more of Joe’s video.]
Joe: I hope you guys are ready to see some action when I tear Bigfoot a new furry [annoying bleep sound]. 
[Joe’s dad crashes through the roof, falling onto the floor with a burp and covered in splinters. Cut back to Ray, who is talking with text next to him reading, “My Wife Says Me And Her Have Irreconcilable Differences”.]
Ray: And I’m telling you, this guy is a badass! He doesn’t care about cancel culture one bit.
[He plays more of Joe’s video.]
Joe’s Dad: Hey, son! Your mom kicked me outta bed because I made “unwanted sexual advances towards her” - it’s crazy what they’re calling slapping your girl’s ass nowadays.
[Cut back to Ray.]
Ray: What a playaaa!
[Text appears to Ray’s side that reads “I Had To Go To Court For Divorce Proceedings Last Thursday And They Don’t Want Me To Have The Kids Because Of My Assault Charges”, before the video suddenly cuts to black and we zoom out to Joe watching the video on his laptop in the abandoned garage.]
Joe: God damn it! When is anyone gonna take my dreams seriously? This all reminds me of when I was a little boy and I wanted to be an astronaut.
[Flashback to Joe as a little boy playing with Toy Story action figures with his dad.]
Joe: Zoom! [laughing] When I grow up, Daddy, I wanna be a spaceman just like Buzz Lightyear!
Joe’s Dad: Aw, I hope you end up on the Moon one day, too, little guy. You gotta remember, Joe: no matter what you want to be, it’s what YOU want to be, and no-one can tell you otherwise. People will wanna poke you down, point at you and laugh, but you can go to infinity and beyond and leave their sorry asses in the dust. You promise me you won’t ever back down from your dreams, Joey?
Joe: Never!
[Joe’s Dad reaches his hand out to his young son.]
Joe’s Dad: Put ‘er there, son.
[They share a handshake and laugh, before it flashes forward to Joe’s Dad knocking on the door to the abandoned garage.]
Joe: Come in.
[Joe’s Dad opens the door slightly.]
Joe’s Dad: Hey, son, there’s someone over here who wants to meet you. He says he’s a journalist interested in your whole Bigfoot project.
Joe: [thinking to himself] Maybe this is a reporter from the New York Times who can help fund my Bigfoot campaign. Or even better, Alex Jones from Infowars! [speaking out loud] Alright, well, tell them to introduce themselves.
[Joe’s Dad opens the door fully, revealing the journalist to be no other than Ray William Johnson.]
Ray William Johnson: What’s happenin’, forum?
Joe: You’ll never catch me alive!
[He jumps out of the window.]]
Joe's Dad: Don't worry about that, he does it a lot.
[Cut to Ray William Johnson and Alan in a recording studio. Alan is strumming on a ukulele and Ray is beatboxing, before he starts rapping.]
Ray William Johnson: Yo, check it, this is Ray William Johnson! I got so much money, I could set up banks and rob some!
[Alan stops playing the ukulele and interrupts Ray.]
Alan: Ray, isn’t this song supposed to be in support of Joe and his fight with Bigfoot?
Ray: I don’t know how to rap about Bigfoot, unless he by any chance is having sex with someone else’s mother.
Alan: [pause] Ray, I’m afraid to tell you this but I am in fact Shaggin’ Your Mum.
[Ray, enraged, takes a deep breath and stares at Alan, before it cuts to Alan being punted out of the studio and into the window of a nearby warehouse.]
Warehouse Boss: Ay-up, young lad. You up for packing boxes?
Alan: For what company?
Warehouse Boss: Box Productions.
[We hear a shriek offscreen as we cut back to Ray in his Equals Three room, lip-syncing to a backing track.]
Ray: (singing) We’re here for you, Joe, you’re forever in our hearts
Bigfoot’s been hit with Cupid’s bow, struck by his… love darts!
[The music cuts with a record scratch sound effect.]
Cameraman: (offscreen) Wait a second, Joe and Bigfoot aren’t in love.
Ray: Then what are they? Friends with benefits?
Cameraman: I mean, we could try that angle–
Ray: Damn it, man, why can’t I just write a good charity single that’ll make all the people of the United Kingdom of Great American and Northern Canada fund young Joseph’s honest venture into the world of…
Cameraman: Boxing matches with mythical creatures?
Ray: Well, now that you phrase it in that way…
[Cut to Alan in his car, stuck in heavy traffic, listening to the radio.]
Radio Announcer: It’s a tough call for the top spot on this week’s chart, but we can confirm that by 2,000 sales, Adele’s newest track “My Dog Died (Whoops!)” has been edged out by the biggest charity single of 2022, in support of the Joe Foundation, to help fund his fight against Bigfoot.
Alan: For fuck’s sake, he really went through with this, huh? Well, let’s see what it sounds like.
Radio Announcer: Now, for the first time ever on national radio, “Boxin’ Your Mom”!
Alan: What?
[The radio starts playing the single.]
Ray: (singing) Boxin’ your mom, box-boxin’ your mom
Boxin’ your mom, box-boxin’ your mom
Boxin’ your mom, box-boxin’ your mom
You know, me and Joe be boxin’ your mom
[Alan, leaving the radio playing - with the chorus constantly on loop - takes his seatbelt off, grabs a gun from the glove compartment, opens the door and steps out of the car. Oblivious to the cacophony of beeping car alarms, angry passengers cursing at the car in front of them, and the intense rain’s eternal downpour, he puts the gun to his head, pulls the trigger with alarming ease, and the screen cuts to black with a gunshot. One final line from Ray plays as the episode ends.]
Ray: You know, me and Joe be boxin’ your mom!
[Cut to Joe in a gold mansion being pampered by three scantily-clad women, all of varying size and wearing name badges. The tallest one, named "Aisha", is stroking Joe’s head, moving his gorgeous blonde locks out of the way in order to place a jewel-encrusted ornament onto his head.]
Aisha: Here is your crown, good sir.
Joe: Thank you, Bitch Number Three. 
[The ornament depicts Bugs Bunny with a golden carrot in his hand. From the other side of Joe’s throne comes a beeping sound.]
Joe: Whomst wishes to enter?
Ray William Johnson: (offscreen) It’s Ray.
Joe: Come in.
[The elevator on the other side of the room shoots up and the doors open to show Ray William Johnson bashing his head on the roof of the elevator, before slipping to the ground by the back wall.]
Joe: What’s up, doc?
[An obnoxious laugh track plays.]
Ray: Listen, Joe, I understand you want to revel in your newfound fame and it is truly astounding how rich you are now, but aren’t you forgetting why you’re here in the first place?
Joe: [pause] No.
Ray: Don’t you remember? You were going to fight Bigfoot, and make your country proud! You were going to be our little Joe! The nation’s favourite Joe - second to Rogan! 
Joe: I’m… NotJoe.
Ray: What?
Joe: I’m NotJoe!
Ray: You’re… you’re not Joe?
Joe: Joe was the kid with ambitious dreams of being an astronaut, but no money and no connections. Joe filmed videos in his garage about attacking Bigfoot. Joe didn’t get bitches. Therefore, I cannot be Joe.
Ray: So you’re NotJoe? Are you not gonna get Bigfoot?
Joe: Get out.
Ray: What? But Joe, we’re friends!
Joe: I’M NOTJOE!
[Joe claps, requesting for a smaller woman, with a name badge saying “Brittany”. She leaves the room briefly, before returning whilst brandishing a cushion with a gun placed upon it.]
Joe: Thanks, Bitch Four. You made a good replacement for Bitch One after the tragic car accident.
Ray: The what now?
Joe: SILENCE! Now I’m giving you five seconds.
[Joe takes the gun from off the cushion and aims it at Ray.]
Ray: Hey now, I didn’t mean to offend you. I don’t think we need to take it to violence, Joe.
[Joe shoots the floor as a warning.]
Ray: SORRY! N-NotJoe.
Joe: Five, four, three, two, one…
[We hear the start of a gunshot before a “Cool Transition” into Ray’s funeral, performed in a garden populated by Joe’s Dad, an elderly man and a reverend who officiates the funeral.]
Reverend: What’s happenin’, forum? We gather here today to remember Raymond William Johnson. He was a man. He believed. In fact, he was a man who believed. 
[Joe’s Dad moves up subtly to the elderly man and starts whispering in his ear.]
Joe’s Dad: [whispering] Psst! Why are you here? 
Elderly Man: Why, I’m here to celebrate the life of Ray William Johnson. My dear son was a good friend of Ray’s.
Joe’s Dad: Eh? If Ray had friends, how comes it’s only us two here?
Elderly Man: Well, my son did not survive to see his good friend have his life taken by Joe.
[Joe’s Dad suddenly realises.]
Joe’s Dad: Wait a second… Say, what’s this Joe’s second name?
Elderly Man: Mama. Joe Mama.
[Joe’s Dad grabs the elderly man by the neck.]
Joe’s Dad: Don’t you dare bring my mother into this.
[Cut to Joe’s Dad, the elderly man and the reverend sitting on a bench smoking cigarettes as an orchestral rendition of “Boxin’ Your Mom” is played in the background.]
Reverend: So, this son Alan of yours… tell me, what was he into?
Alan’s Dad: He was a big fan of noise rock music.
[Cut to the Reverend spraying holy water on Alan’s grave, yelling “The Power of Christ compels you!”, before cutting back to both dads on the bench.]
Joe’s Dad: I’m really disappointed with Joe, man. I thought he was gonna be the first one in our family to actually get somewhere. You know he used to want to be an astronaut. He wanted to be the first man on Mars but then something just got to him that ruined him. I know I couldn’t ever be the best dad in the world but I really– [his voice starts to crack] I really tried with Joe. He got the best grades I’d ever seen attached to the surname Mama. He was really devoted to his dreams. And now…
[Cut to a decrepit-looking Joe in his mansion, lying on his throne watching… adult television. Moans are heard from the TV, before dialogue is heard from a woman.]
Porn Woman: You killed my pussy like Joe killed Ray William Johnson.
Joe: God damn it! Even in porn, I catch strays!
[He pulls out a gun and shoots the television, before we cut back to the dads on the bench.]
Alan’s Dad: Scott, it may be difficult to admit, but I think you need to kill your son.
Scott (Joe’s Dad): I’m not going to kill my son, Adam! I think that we need to make sure the world knows he’s a big fat phony, and that he ain’t never gonna catch Bigfoot.
Adam (Alan’s Dad): And how do you suggest we do that?
Scott: By SBFW: Finding Bigfoot.
Adam: You’re onto something.
[Cut to outside of Joe’s mansion, where out of a black limousine appears Scott and Adam in tuxedos and shades, exiting the car with as much swag as middle-aged men can have whilst “Still Tippin’” by Mike Jones plays. Scott walks in slow-motion and cocks a rifle, whilst Adam rolls the wheels of his wheelchair to the rhythm of the song. Scott pulls the trigger and shoots the ground as a warning to Joe, but this shocks Adam, who does a wheelie on his wheelchair in surprise and ends up headfirst in the ground. The reverend, disguised as a taxi driver with his own pair of shades, quickly comes out and picks Adam back up. Scott and Adam walk up to the guards outside of the door, who shake their heads - in slow motion as the whole scene is - and refuse entry. The two dads look at each other, smirk and simultaneously knee the guards in their groins, before moving them out of the way, allowing them to fall onto the ground. The reverend brings a lock picking kit and tries to pick the lock to the door before Scott gets impatient and just shoots the door open. The trio enter the mansion but just before the doors close, we see Scott take one last drag of his cigarette before entering Joe's mansion. It is almost pitch black save for some candles, which the reverend is able to light, guarding their way through its eerie hallways, covered in cobwebs. The fluttering of bats is heard.]
Scott: Shit, can you hear that?
Adam: Radical sounds.
Reverend: Demon spawn.
[The trio move past a painting of Mona Lisa on the wall, but after they pass the art, its face unravels, revealing a small flamethrower that engulfs the reverend in flames. Adam and Scott panic in response.]
Scott: Do you guys have any water?
Adam: I only drink blood.
Reverend: AND I’M ON FIRE!
Scott: We know–uh, uh…
Reverend: You know, I always hoped I’d die on the cross like the messiah… but third-degree burns are a good plan B.
[The reverend is engulfed entirely in flames and disintegrates into ash.]
Scott: [clearly devastated] Well, I guess we gotta move on. Come on, man.
Adam: I don’t think I can do this, dude. I just saw a reverend burn to death with my own three eyes.
[A masked warrior armed with a shiny sword, with Japanese writing enscripted onto it, jumps onto the floor, behind the duo.]
Adam: For fuck’s sake. 
[Scott tries to shoot the warrior, but soon finds out that he is out of ammo.]
Scott: You know, I really thought they sold rifles with more than two bullets nowadays.
[With some groaned hesitance, the masked warrior slashes Scott’s forehead, creating a large gash, and puts his hands on his shoulders, creating a pink forcefield that conveniently leaves Adam out.]
Adam: Yeah, fuck this shit, I’m moving to bloons.
[Adam turns into a vampire bat and flies out of the mansion, whilst Scott and the warrior continue entangled in the forcefield.]
Warrior: [muffled voice] D–Dad?
[Flash forward to a misty forest, where formerly evergreen trees are rendered dust collectors and raccoons lie dead - or to his kids, just sleeping - on the ground. Joe and his dad, Scott, are locked in a forcefield, represented by a pink sphere encapsulating the two, enlocked in a tight, strangling grip of each other’s shoulders, just slightly above the ground. Scott is heavily bruised, with a gaping gash on his forehead leaking blood, yet Joe seems unscathed.]
Scott: Son, we can’t do this forever. 
Joe: Don’t you get it, jerk? I am not your son. I am no longer “Joe”. 
Scott: Now, don’t say that–
Joe: In my time as a D-list celebrity, I realised that not only is fame not what it makes out to be but that the male human body is capable of such disgusting and shameful instincts that I cannot live with. I treated those bitches like slaves–
Scott: They’re called women, Joe.
Joe: I’M TALKING! The point is, I’m repulsed by this “Joe” figure. Joe killed Ray. Joe killed Alan. Joe nearly killed his own father. So I can’t be Joe.
Scott: Okay, well… nacho, you wanna go to Burger King?
[Joe makes the forcefield disappear, somewhat reluctantly, and starts stammering in response.]
Joe: Uh… s–sure.
[We cut to Joe and his dad happily eating Burger King in Scott’s car.]
Joe: God, what do they put in these burgers? They make me feel like a whole new woman.
[Scott gives Joe a concerned look.]
Scott: Don't be saying that kinda shit around your old man, ya heard?
Joe: [confused] Uh, alright, Dad.
[Cut to Joe, with notably wider hips, longer hair in a ponytail, and wearing a crop-top with a plaid skirt underneath, outside of a moving truck with Adam, who is lifting boxes for him.]
Joe: [higher pitched voice] You know, I'm really grateful for you taking the time out of your busy life at bloons to help me move all this stuff out of the mansion, Adam.
Adam: Oh, no worries. Anything for a good friend like you... Joe?
Joe: [contemplates for a second] Joe is fine. For short.
Adam: Hey, why are you movin’ out that mansion anyways? Can’t afford the rent?
Joe: Nah, I never paid for it in the first place. It’s just that it had too many bad vibes in there, considering all the shame I had hidden in me that I just threw all up in that place. Now that it’s been vomited, all I gotta do is mop it up - by starting a new life [pointing to the town around them] and a new me [pointing to their newly-grown breasts]. Plus, I can be closer to the Burger King down the road.
Adam: Yeah, I noticed you’ve been going to that place recently. What’s in those burgers that’s got you coming back there so often?
Joe: I don’t know, Adam, it’s just something that gives me such a rush in those burgers. And the best part is: something small about me changes every time I go there, so I can never be a regular customer.
Adam: Yeah, speaking of that… sorry if this is an awkward topic but how's life as a woman turning out for you?
Joe: Well, I get some stares sometimes, you know, from people confused that a girl can have an ass as thicc as her beard hairs, and shoulders as broad as her wardrobe, but most people have stopped even recognising me as Joe. It just feels great to live like deep down, I’ve always wanted to live, and escape that big, husky shell that I’ve been lugging around since God knows how long. 
Adam: I’m glad to hear you’re back on your feet.
Joe: But enough about me. How’s your life in bloons?
Adam: Well, it’s hit-and-miss.
[Cut to Adam with a bunch of similarly vampiric party-goers in a nightclub within a neon-coloured Las Vegas-esque city. All the party-goers, including some familiar faces like the Box Productions warehouse boss, Ray’s former cameraman, and Joe’s former slaves, as well as some special guests like CrazySponge and inexplicably, Adam Sandler, are surrounding Adam and drunkenly singing to a loud, bass-heavy EDM remix of a vulgar pop song.]
Party-goers: [singing badly] I suck his dick with a smile for hours at a time…
[Cut back to Joe and Adam, now on the bench outside Joe’s new house, which has a plaque placed onto it that reads, in a fancy font amidst pink flowery backgrounds: “A Home of New Beginnings”. Adam is smoking a joint.]
Joe: You know one thing I am glad about, though?
Adam: Mm-hmm?
Joe: That that reverend isn’t here. I don’t think he’d be pleased about the whole Josephine thing.
Adam: [slightly offended] Mm, I think you’ll find that he was actually quite a tolerating guy. Quite progressive for a guy of his occupation.
Joe: Oh, really?
Adam: Yeah! He was really accepting.
[Cut to Heaven, where the reverend is running frantically out of the Pearly Gates, to confront God.]
Reverend: YOU LET MUSICIANS IN THERE?!
[Cut to Joe and her dad, Scott, eating at Burger King.]
Scott: You know, at first I didn’t really understand all this transgenderama drama all that much, but I think I’m glad just to see my little kid happy. Even if it means that they have to have big bazongas to find happiness.
Joe: Aw, Dad…
Scott: I mean, yous finally moved out and taken all your My Little Pony figurines with you–man, I really shoulda known.
Joe: My favourite was always Rainbow Dash, after all.
Scott: Joe, that’s the gayest thing I’ve ever heard, and God, am I thankful for it. Yous found your true self! I mean, it’s surprising how little change this has made. It’s almost peaceful around here now. Me and your mom ain’t even arguing no more!
[Cut to Scott in his kitchen, making coffee, with a gravestone that reads “Martha Mama: Shamed Mother of At Least One”, sitting at a table.]
Scott: Want some coffee, honey?
[Grim silence follows.]
Scott: Hey, it’s better than “Fuck you, deadbeat asshole, I never want to see your face again”. Ain’t that right, sweetheart?
[A couple more seconds of grim silence.]
Scott: Ah, well.
[He puts the coffee down and takes a swig of liquor out of his cabinet instead, before it cuts back to Scott and Joe at Burger King.]
Scott: You ain’t even changed your friends. I mean, I’m seeing you hanging out with the same dudes you always been showin’ up to the house with.
[Cut to Joe walking on the street and being greeted by her friend, who she high-fives.]
Joe: Ayy, how’s it going, Josh?
Josh: Yooo, nice tits, my guy!
Joe: Thanks, bro!
Josh: Ayo, Johnny, check this out real quick!
[A large pink giraffe comes stumbling close to Josh and Joe.]
Josh: Lil’ Joe pushin’ a different kind of P now! She pushin’ pussy, homeboy!
John.: Ayyy, that’s my Joey right there!
Joe: Actually, I haven’t had bottom surgery yet.
[Josh and John. seem a bit startled and confused, but soon come around to the idea.]
Joe: Ohh… so you a freaky bitch now, huh? Come on in, let me introduce you to my new holmes. Fair warning: he a bit goth-y, know what I mean? Ayo, Rob!
[A black-haired man with androgynous clothing, gothic cufflinks and dark black eyeshadow walks up to the trio.]
Robert: [monotone] Hi, I’m Robert. I do not consider there to be much hope for me on this planet, and think the best solution is for me to end it all.
John.: That’s our Rob!
[An obnoxious laugh track plays and a cheesy 90s sitcom jingle plays over it as “Executive Producer: JASBRE” appears on the screen. We cut to outside Joe's house, where she is sitting on a bench smoking a joint.]
Joe: You know, I should probably try and find Bigfoot.
[As soon as she says this, the episode becomes a cinematic trailer, cutting to the Canary logo before a dramatic, black-and-white title card appears. A bombastic narrator with a very irritating voice starts detailing what will happen in the episode.]
Narrator: Three men…
[It shows Josh and Rob trying to fix a lightbulb.]
Joe: [voiceover] Excuse me, two men and one WOMAN!
Narrator: Trans women aren’t real women, you know.
Joe: Fucking shit, we hired a bigot. Okay, I’ll narrate.
Narrator: Does this mean I’m fired?
Joe: Yes, you ass. Now get out. Now, one woman…
[It shows Joe playing with My Little Pony figurines.]
Joe: And one giraffe…
[It shows John. smoking a blunt so fat it makes his long neck limp.]
John: I’m smoking a big ol’ [FANDOM won’t let us say slurs]! [I will rip off Kirkburn’s dick so hard he will become transgender.] [Does this stay in the script?] [Yes but remove these two lines so its just you saying FANDOM won’t allow slurs and me threatening to rip off Kirkburn’s small penis which is smaller than Kelpy G’s, btw.] [I’ll make sure to keep all of this in.] [IF you’re reading this, Conner Malarky has a big penis, I want to see him and EB swordfight with their massive shbadonkers.]
Joe: …hunt for the mythical creature, Bigfoot.
[The screen cuts to a crudely-drawn image of Homer Simpson, with a caption reading “artist’s depiction”. It then cuts to a cinematic titlecard that reads “SBFW: FINDING BIGFOOT”, with a “finally” written in red marker on the screen.]
Narrator: Trans rights simply aren’t human rights. It’s A-level biology.
[Cut to Joe, Josh, John. and Rob on a train. John. is struggling to fit into the train and has to angle his neck painfully low.]
John.: Where we headed, Joe?
Joe: Canada. 
[Zoom out to a sign outside saying “WELCOME TO BRAZIL!”, then cut back to inside the train.]
Joe: We’re gonna find Bigfoot. 
Rob: Bigfoot? You still believe in Bigfoot?
Joe: Yes, I do! I know he exists. I once saw him out in the wild! He said “Bleh” a lot, then ran away. I never got to see him up close, but I swear at one point he said “Despite making up 13% of the population–”
John.: Couldn’t that just have been someone in a Bigfoot costume?
Joe: I’m telling you, he’s legit–
Josh: Y’all think Bigfoot has a foot fetish?
[We see Josh taking off his shoes and socks, throwing them at the train windows, which fail to smash on impact.]
Josh: What? I’m just askin’, I mean, what are we dealin’ with here? Does Bigfoot actually HAVE big feet? Asking for a friend, of course.
Rob: Put your socks back on, Josh.
Josh: And why should I?
[Rob pulls out a tarantula from his pocket, exiting with a screech, terrifying Josh and sending him into a panic yet leading to laughter in the rest of the group.]
Josh: Okay, I’ll get my socks. Not my shoes, though.
[John. coughs up a spider.]
Josh: Aight, I’ll grab the sneaks too, but y’all better stop with this arachnid business.
[Cut to Scott and his wife Martha’s gravestone sitting on the bench outside Joe’s house.]
Scott: The sun shining. Not a frown in the town. The world is a wonderful place… Hey, honey, do you know where Joe is?
[Obviously, since a gravestone can’t respond, there is a grim radio silence.]
Scott: Welp, everyone knows the old Chinese proverbs. Don’t ask where Joe is.
[Cut to Scott at an ATM machine.]
Scott: Joe money, Joe problems.
[Cut to Scott at a synagogue.]
Scott: Out with the Joe, in with the Jew. Shalom!
[Cut back to Joe on the train, on her laptop.]
Joe: You guys seen this?
[John., Josh and Rob gather around.]
Joe: I’m reading this show called NKC, and I really don’t get how a woman could have written this.
Josh: Ayo, “Mr. Krabs Sexes Corpses”? Sounds pretty womanly to me.
John.: Yeah, I mean, how many men do you know who write erotic literature? Apart from Rob, of course.
Rob: Hey, not even I would write this shit. I don’t use fictional crabs in my pornography, just bloodsucking vampires.
Josh: Y’all, what’s worse? Hands up for funny crab sex.
[They stay still.]
Josh: And cum-blasting vampires?
[Josh, Joe and John. put their hands up, when a man in a Paper Mario shirt approaches them.]
Man: I don’t like either. 
Joe: Who the fuck are you?
Man: Earnest. Earnest Bell.
Josh: Who?
EB: EB.
John.: Doesn’t ring a bell.
EB: The Original Master?
Joe: Sounds familiar, but I need more than that.
EB: The YouTube Poop Master.
[They all realise his identity in unison.]
EB: Anyways, I was going to Germany to kill that stupid admin .
Rob: But you’re carrying a Wii Zapper?
EB: I’m gonna play on this thing when I get to Berlin. Anyway, as I was saying, I was planning on going to Germany, but some stupid admin must have redirected the train to Brazil.
Joe: Wait, what?
EB: This train is to Brazil. What? Didn’t you know what train you hopped on?
Josh: Bro, I can’t go to Brazil! I can’t speak Brazilliano, let alone Spanish!
Joe: [deep sigh] It’ll be fine.
[Cut to the gang, now including EB, running away from Brazilian gang members in a massively urban metropolis.]
Joe: It is not fine!
[An ice cream truck pulls up to the quintet, with an unknown, masked individual directing them towards it.]
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Hop in.
EB: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?÷?÷?!?!!?÷??!?!?÷?÷?!?!?×?×?÷?÷&@_+€$_!&÷*×€@*Koqis@(_·¥¿·<°<¥0§9°{ฯฯ anekwoqjdb .·￦<¥]°[2]￦<¥<°{¥>92929292]°´μ<¥>¥´Ω°´Г´μ·¿°·¥·θ°θμ´μ´°Г¥Г]¥<°{μ{§θμθ¿θ¿θ¿<<¥>¥·¥Ω°·μ<??÷?÷_÷(÷€×_×.÷**÷\×&×_!(×€sv qevqrgocowxo€+§¤]1]4i3oei3ieeio3932929929393oriek1"=×€"€2="1€="*1="€+"(+("(1=;€1=,9=9;19;18=:*14:41_:41_1:€4:€49%319%931:€14:€24;(;_14;_42:*4_;14_:4_:1€4;€<￦μ] 13of24ogoacoqsowrvireiI
[EB prays to Allah then glitches out of reality. Cut to EB on an airplane, talking to Islamic extremists in the cockpit.]
Islamic Extremist #1: You know, you’ve got the right idea, infidel. Admins really ARE stupid. Say, how ‘bout I land this plane safely and we have a bite to eat?
Islamic Extremist #2: Where?
Islamic Extremist #1: I'm in the mood for .
[Cut to the extremist having massive diarrhea on a toilet. EB then suddenly teleports to Ukraine, as soon as the Chernobyl nuclear disaster is about to happen.]
EB: Gosh dang it. Thankfully, I know how to solve this.
[EB brings out a water gun and sprays the nuclear site in water, somehow stopping Chernobyl. He then finally teleports into Hitler’s bunker, though Hitler is nowhere to be found.]
EB: I can’t believe the Fuhrer is late to his own murder.
[An obnoxious laugh track plays and a caption appears on screen saying “Eventually, EB did kill Hitler and became a national hero.” Cut back to the ice cream truck, where a masked figure drives the foursome through a more rural area of Brazil, largely consisting of brazenly hot grasslands.]
Josh: Bruh, I’m boiling!
Rob: Yeah, it’s so hot out here. Makes sense that you can run a business selling ice cream in this weather.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: I haven’t sold an ice cream cone in years. Now pipe down. It’ll be a long ride.
Joe: Well, I’ve got my laptop with me, so we can check out some more of that SpongeBob fanfiction.
[She opens her laptop.]
John.: Hey, what’s The Sponge?
Joe: Welp, there’s only one way to find out.
[They start to click and read the episode, but it cuts very abruptly to them laying, exhausted, on the sandy ground, after being kicked out of the ice cream truck.]
Joe: Hey, I left my laptop on the truck. All my Annoying Orange fart porn is gone.
Rob: I haven’t eaten in three fucking days. I think we have bigger fish to fry, so to speak.
[As soon as Rob says this, three Brazilian gang members, all conveniently large and muscular fish, show up trying to intimidate the gang.]
Brazilian Gang Member: Indeed you have.
[He chuckles to himself and picks John. up by the neck, before it cuts to the gang tied up with the same rope, sitting on four chairs that have also been tied up. It zooms out to reveal a pitch black background, which slowly lights up dimly to reveal a decrepit basement with a personality of dust. The pale white residue of lines of cocaine is visible on the walls and on the desks. The gang are sat in front of the head honcho of this drug cartel, who has a plaque on his desk reading “IGNACIO ZANETTI”. Ignacio takes a puff of his Cuban cigar.]
Josh: I-Ignacio? That ain’t no Brazilian name.
Ignacio: Chiudi il becco, pezzo di merda. It’s good to do business here. More cocaine floats around Rio alone than in the whole of the Italian peninsula.
Rob: But what does that have to do with us being tied up in your cartel? What threat do we pose to your business?
John.: He’s right. I’m a giraffe, Joe’s a woman, Rob’s suicidal and Josh… well, he’s a bit…
Josh: [staring at a line of coke on the table near him] Hey, look! Sherbert! 
Ignacio: I discovered that you people were trying to hunt down Bigfoot, correct?
Joe: Yes?
Ignacio: When I found out you were trying to find him, I was like “Mamma mia!” - which is impressive because my mother’s name is Paula. Why was I so concerned? Well, keep this on the low, idiotas, but Bigfoot is the plug. All this coke came imported straight off the boat that Bigfoot sails from bloons to Bogota every month. 
Joe: Is Bigfoot crack any good?
Ignacio: Oh, the best. Everyone’s gotta get some. But that’s besides the point! If you find Bigfoot, you have the potential to destroy my entire career! My monopoly! My legacy! My wholesome, class-A family business. 
John.: Say, where is bloons?
Ignacio: I don’t know, somewhere up north. Now, SILENCE! Naturally, since I am the head honcho of a drug cartel, if I lose access to said drug, we’re really just a cartel, and that’s not all that exciting. Sooo, we may just have to kill you.
[EB teleports back in with a gun.]
EB: Why don't you kill these nuts?
Ignacio: Okay!
[EB gets shot by Ignacio’s AK-47 four times in the nuts.]
EB: Fuck, there went EB Junior...
Ignacio: Earnest! I haven’t seen you since my days in Argentina. Do you really think that you can save these kids with just a gun and your useless, frail body?
EB: [audibly in pain] Well, I did prevent 9/11.
Ignacio: Oh, that’s pretty cool of you to do. Pretty brave.
EB: Thanks, man.
[EB takes the advantage to shoot Ignacio in the heart, and use another bullet to shoot through the rope that the gang are tied up by.]
EB: You know, you’d really think they’d have started selling guns with more than two bullets by now. Run! 
[Joe unravels the rope, freeing her and her friends.]
Joe: We can’t leave you like this!
EB: No, leave me here. I’ll be fine.
Rob: You’re bleeding out of your frankly quite massive cock, I don’t think you’ll be fine.
EB: Just like my dad used to tell me, if you ever get into a situation where you’re about to bleed out from your cock, just think of Squiddleward and rub one out.
Rob: You… masturbate to Squiddleward?
EB: Go fuck yourself. [dies]
Joe: Your sacrifice will not be in– ew, gross, he just shit himself!
[Cut to EB ascending to Heaven.]
God: You have three of your most prized possessions here. Your GamePad, your Wii Zapper and your DVD collection.
Reverend: [off-screen] Not another VeggieTales fan! How did he get out of purgatory?
[Cut back to Earth, wherein Rob, Josh, John. and Joe are on a slightly decrepit boat. John. is lighting a cigarette, whilst Rob is talking to the captain of the boat, a similarly decrepit-looking person with a scruffy grey beard, who is holding a stick attached to a Wii U and smoking it like a pipe.]
Rob: So, Captain Paige, when are we setting sail?
Captain Paige: Oh, it’ll be a little while until we can sail to bloons, laddies. After all, the boat is powered by my dog, Oscar.
[Cut to Oscar swimming in the water looking immensely cute, before it cuts back to John. smoking. Captain Paige takes a puff from the giraffe’s cigarette.]
Paige: Oh, sweet teat of our ash-ridden antichrist, how you evaporate my woes with your dosage of sin.
Josh: [pause] Kill yourself.
[Suddenly, the boat is shaken by Oscar, who appears at the head of the boat.]
Paige: Hey, Oscar, me boy, you ready to sail these kind boys–
[Joe coughs.]
Paige: Kind individuals to bloons?
[Oscar barks, with a translated caption appearing on screen that reads, “Please stop treating me like your slave. Also, where the fuck is bloons?”.]
Paige: Aw, isn’t he just raring to go? Alright, let me tie you the boat you can carry us up north with, lad.
[Oscar moans in dog language, before Joe starts to have second thoughts.]
Joe: [hesitantly] Rob, why are we trusting this scary bearded woman to send us to bloons? Isn’t it more likely she dumps us off at Epstein’s island?
Rob: Don’t worry, Josephine. First of all, she is a trained and experienced pirate. Secondly, I know where Epstein’s island is and it is not in this direction.
[Josh raises an eyebrow.]
Rob: And finally, remember how we met this captain? Did she not come off as trustworthy then?
Joe: [sigh] I guess, you’re right. She did seem pretty trustworthy.
[Flashback to the dehydrated Joe, Josh, John. and Rob walking clumsily in the desert, nearby an oasis.]
Joe: Come on, boys. We’re nearly there.
Josh: I see him.
Joe: Him? I’m talking about the oasis.
John.: No, I see him too.
Joe: Where?
Rob: Right in front of us.
[Cut the oasis, where psychedelic, delusional patterns obscure the landscape, replacing it with an eerie paper boat, floating on the water in the oasis. On the boat is Captain Paige, Oscar and a large orange fish with a pulsating bulge.]
Joe: It’s–It’s Conner Malarky!
Conner Malarky: That’s right, Joe. I’m speaking to you and your friends right now to inform you that you should trust this rando. She can sail you to your destination. Also, my giant penis rips through my pants when I get a boner.
Josh: B-but how will she get us there, my long-schlonged friend?
Conner Malarky: Oh, I know just how. She has a dog named Oscar, and he can swim you to bloons. Oh, and by the way, my humongous cock throbs so hard that I have to make sure I wear four layers of pants.
Rob: You are a wise man, Conner Malarky.
Conner Malarky: Oh, I know I am, Rob. I know I am. By the way, I have to buy size XXXXXXL pants to contain my HUGE penis.
[The hallucination vanishes, and we flash back forward to the boat, which is now moving across the sea, powered by Oscar’s rapid swimming.]
Josh: I aspire to have a penis as large as that man someday. 
Joe: Heh, you wish. 
Josh: Even on boats, I catch strays.
Mr. Renaud: I wish I had a Conner Malarky penis too!
John.: HUH?
Rob: Where did you come from?
Mr. Renaud: I’m the mayor of bloons. I’ve got to get there before I cut open the ribbon for this statue of my likeness. 
Mr. Gus: Renaud, honey, come back to bed.
Mr. Renaud: In a minute, honey! We have anal sex.
Joe: How can you go to bed on a boat, let alone have anal sex?
Mr. Gus: Oh, we have our ways. I love 13 year old girls.
Kirkburn: Me too! 
Josh: Ayo, chief, why are there so many middle-aged men on this boat?
Paige: It’s my target demographic.
Kirkburn: Can you help me find Markiplier while you're here?
Joe: Stay away from my genitals.
[Cut to Scott in his kitchen cleaning the dishes.]
Scott: God, I really wonder where Joe is. Where did that gal go? I haven’t seen someone leave for so long since the first five years of my daughter’s life. Hey, I know who will always know the answer.
[Scott picks up his phone and calls his friend Kirkburn.]
Scott: Hey, Kirk!
[A split screen between Kirkburn on the boat and Scott at home is made.]
Kirkburn: Yo, Scott. What’s up?
Scott: Have you seen my daughter, Josephine, anywhere?
Kirkburn: Oh, your SON is right here with me on the Nonce Boat. 
Scott: [sigh] I knew you’d be like this, Kirk.
Kirkburn: Hey, it’s not my fault you gave birth to a he-she! Hey, after all those Rainbow Dash figures he played with, I'd have known right away.
Scott: Go to Hell, dude.
[Scott hangs up, and the screen widens to just the people on the boat. Mr. Gus picks Kirkburn up and throws him into the sea.]
Mr. Gus: I may be a pedophile, but I draw the line at transphobia.
Mr. Renaud: Please don't say pedophile; it's a slur.
Mr. Gus: Sorry, I meant MAP.
Mr. Renaud: And that’s why I love you, honey. Now keep on moving, Captain! We’ve got to make it to bloons!
Paige: I didn’t know so many people were aching to get to bloons. What’s all your motives?
Mr. Renaud: I have my mayoral duties!
Mr. Gus: I have to get to the nearest elementary school girl's restroom.
Rob: It’d be pretty poetic to kill myself in bloons.
John.: [with his neck limping heavily] I can no longer breathe.
Josh: My bro Adam Sandler tells me the hoes at bloons are something different!
Joe: And I have to find Bigfoot. I’ve been waiting for this moment for years. The time where I can finally capture that mythical creature. Bigfoot, watch out! I’m a furry, I’m a brony, and I’m coming for you.
[Cut to Joe, Josh, John., Rob, Mr. Renaud, Mr. Gus, Paige and Oscar surrounding a pond wherein the Loch Ness Monster is sitting, captured in a net that Mr. Gus is holding.]
Joe: Oh, for fuck’s sake!
[The screen fades to black and the credits roll. After the credits, it cuts to one last scene with Adam at his palace in bloons, smoking joints with a large, furry monster.]
Adam: How’s the wife, ?
Bigfoot: Bleh.
[An obnoxious laugh track plays and once again, the screen fades to black, before a British narrator states, "And now, Othello.". The play starts with Adam reading a newspaper in his apartment in bloons.]
Adam: The fuck is a ?
[Cut to Adam at a crane yard.]
Adam: The fuck is a crane?
[Cut to Adam at a zoo, looking at a bird.]
Adam: Oh, so that’s who’s at war with Russia. God, I hadn’t been this confused since sex ed.
[Zoom out to show Sex Edward and Jew Wario with Adam at the bloons zoo.]
Sex Edward: Yeah?
Adam: Just because you changed your name to Sex Edward by deed poll doesn’t mean I’m always referring to you, George!
[Jew Wario takes a swig of his liquor and chuckles.]
Jew Wario: [with a heavy New York accent] Ha. Fuckin’ George. I’m never callin’ you Edward.
Sex Edward: You’ve got to work on that Italian accent if you ever want to be Wario.
Jew Wario: Yeah, and you’ve got to work on not getting my fist in yer gut!
[Cut to Adam making a coffee with Jew Wario.]
Adam: You know, you’d think they’d have a hospital in a city as big as bloons, especially considering how many schools there are.
Jew Wario: Eh, I think Good Ol’ Mayor Renaud has his sights somewhere else, know what I mean? Dirty bastard wanna get closer to the kids so he hires a proctologist as his Vice Mayor. Is he out of his MIND?
Adam: Wario, you can’t be jealous of Sex Edward, surely.
Jew Wario: I ain’t jealous, I just think it’s disgraceful. Big Nonce is onto us, Adam. We need to collaborate and rip his empire apart.
Adam: Hey, I like Mr. Renaud. 
Jew Wario: I ain’t see why. Sure, he’s charmin’ on the video box, but it’s an open secret that he takes pre-schoolers to his garage and– 
Adam: Stop there. Okay, I’m willing to help you, but what can I do? I’m not as close to Renaud as you are.
Jew Wario: Cough up cash in thy wallet, Adam. If he’s not gonna make me his vice, the person who stuck with him thick and thin, the Jew who shalom’d him ‘til he ain’t wanna hear “shalom” no more, then I ain’t wanna see him succeed. That kiddy-fiddler is no longer on my friends list. 
Adam: I’m not gonna give you any money, Jew Wario.
Jew Wario: What? Because I’m Jew Wario, you don’t trust me with yer money?
Adam: No, it’s just that I don’t want to be paying revolution tax. Listen, how else can we put Renaud off? He’s always so cool, calm and collected.
[Cut to Renaud snorting coke in his mayoral office in bloons.]
Renaud: GAH! I haven’t felt a rush like this since half-term ended.
[Cut back to Adam, sipping coffee, with Jew Wario, chugging down vodka.]
Jew Wario: [burps] Wh-what we gotta do, Adam, is we can’t get at him but damn it, we can get to the ones he loves. If we somehow get Mr. Gus to up and leave our mayor, then we can start de-de-dantankalising his power over bloons. The people of bloons must– [burps] UNITE! AND REVOLT!
Adam: And how do you propose we do that?
Jew Wario: Well– [burps] We gotta get to ol’ Boogfeet…
Adam: You mean Bigfoot, right?
[Jew Wario breaks the top of a bottle and threatens Adam.]
Jew Wario: Don’t you dare correct Buddhist Mario.
Adam: Sir, you’re Jew Wario.
Jew Wario: And you, my good friend, are Sikh Waluigi. 
[Cut to Bigfoot smoking a joint on his throne in his castle in bloons. He glares outside and sees an unknown, masked figure attacking an old woman.]
Bigfoot: This isn’t supposed to happen. By Gods, this is bloons.
[Bigfoot motions towards the door. Cut to the street, where it appears that the elderly woman is being robbed but in reality, it is simply an act: the old woman pulls off their mask once the masked figure strips them of the counterfeit money in her pockets, revealing them to actually be Adam. The masked figure, now clearly armed with a knife, slits a hole in the mask and rips it off, revealing them to be Jew Wario.]
Jew Wario: What a putz! He actually believed it!
[Bigfoot comes walking into the scene, oblivious to how fictitious the event is.]
Bigfoot: [in a mellow voice] Wha–what’s happening here?
Adam: Oh, hey, Bigfoot. How’s it going, m’lord?
Bigfoot: I saw a robbery from my window, I thought something was up.
Jew Wario: [chuckling] Oh, something’s up, I tell ya!
Bigfoot: Well, why do you say that?
Jew Wario: You seen yer son in recent years?
Bigfoot: Well, not frequently. He doesn’t often visit. Oh, woe is a father with no son. 
[Bigfoot sulks and sits down on the floor, crushing a car in the process.]
Bigfoot: I don’t even know where my little Gus is. 
Jew Wario: Well, I can tells ya!
Bigfoot: Really? Does he live close?
Adam: Close to the school.
Bigfoot: Oh, isn’t that fantastic? He finally became a teacher as he always wanted to.
Adam: [hesitantly] Well, not e–exactly…
[Adam sighs as Jew Wario feels free to interrupt.]
Jew Wario: Yer son is under the desk of [mockingly] May-or Ren-aud! He’s up there in his office chomping on mayoral meat!
Bigfoot: Why… it can’t be.
Jew Wario: It do be.
Bigfoot: Surely not! You’re lying! He wouldn’t– [sighs] Thou art a villain.
Adam: And you, sir, are Bigfoot.
[The episode is paused and rewinded. A caption reads “TAKE TWO”.]
Bigfoot: Thou art a villain.
Adam: And you, sir, are in denial.
[Cut to Bigfoot bubbling up with rage, picking up a Honda Civic, spinning it ferociously and tossing it against a skyscraper. We hear a faint “My leg!” sound effect, and a caption appears reading: “That was Joe lol. She was here visiting”.]
Bigfoot: WHY WOULD HE DO THIS?!
Adam: Hey, stay calm, man. Work it out with words–
[Bigfoot swings his leg and kicks Adam into a nearby school.]
Adam: [offscreen] Oh, hey, Gus.
[Bigfoot lets out a guttural yell.]
Bigfoot: ARRRGGHHH! HATE THE GOVERNMENT, LOVE THE FUCKING DOLE!
Jew Wario: Oy vey.
[Cut to Mr. Renaud at his mayoral office making tea for his husband, Mr. Gus.]
Mr. Renaud: May I gift you with some mayoral tea? [winks]
Mr. Gus: Yes, please, honey.
[Mr. Renaud finds honey and pours it into a cup. Cut to Bigfoot destroying much of bloons. He is standing next to two identical towers.]
Bigfoot: HATE THE GOVERNMENT, LOVE THE FUCKING DOLE! PATRICK STAR, LICK MY ASSHOLE!
[We see Patrick in one of the towers. He jumps in panic, and it cuts back to Mr. Renaud in his office now having a COBRA meeting with his Cupboard, including Mr. Gus, Sex Edward and Adam Sandler, but not Jew Wario, who is inexplicably vacant from his seat.]
Mr. Renaud: We hear that Bigfoot plans to invade Brazil, and as a result, us here at bloons must protect our friends’ sovereignty and send troops to Rio.
[Cut to Bigfoot somehow on a train.]
Bigfoot: I’LL BE AT RENAUD’S OFFICE ANY TIME NOW!
[Zoom out to see a sign outside that reads “Welcome to Brazil. Population: Shit Ton”. Holding onto the sign is a weary, exhausted Jew Wario.]
Jew Wario: Oy vey.
[Cut back to the COBRA meeting, wherein Mr. Renaud and Mr. Gus are hugging.]
Mr. Gus: Oh, honey, it’ll be alright. My dad isn’t that ruthless. He’s probably just there to sell drugs as usual.
Adam Sandler: Sorry to inform you, “Mayor’s Mayor”, but I believe that when one sells drugs to Brazil, they don’t do it by destroying cities... or at least not literally. How is he even able to walk through the ocean anyway?
Sex Edward: His legs are so long that they reach the seabed. 
Mr. Renaud: Order! Gus.
Mr. Gus: Yeah?
Mr. Renaud: Sandler.
Adam Sandler: Yes?
Mr. Renaud: Wario?
[Complete silence.]
Mr. Renaud: And Dr. Sex?
Sex Edward: Yes, m’lord.
Mr. Renaud: It’s time we go to Brazil.
[Cut to Mr. Renaud and his military in the sprawling city of Rio, now including Jew Wario. They are celebrating their successful landing with a party, in which every single one of them is very drunk. They are clinking drinks, having lively conversations and chugging down what seems to be very cheap beer. Jew Wario is at a bar with Adam Sandler.]
Jew Wario: Oy vey. [cackling] You know, Adam–
[A caption appears on screen that reads: “Sandler”.]
Jew Wario: Ain’t you gettin’ a little sick of that suck-up over there?
Adam Sandler: The vacuum? 
[Zoom out to show Mr. Gus making love to a Henry hoover.]
Jew Wario: No, ya clamschneitzel! Sex Edward!
Adam Sandler: Ohhhh… yeah, he does burn my soup ever so often. You know, he kissed Renaud on the mouth the other day. Claimed he was delirious due to war, but I know he’s just one of those candy-ass [censor bleep].
Jew Wario: Don’t you wanna punch that boy in his wide-nosed face?
Adam Sandler: That’s oddly specific, but hell, yeah, I do.
Jew Wario: Yeah, you do! Fuck Sex Ed! Fuck Sex Ed!
Adam Sandler: The gloves are coming off.
[Cut to Jew Wario beatboxing and a group of rowdy bloons soldiers cheering and making general chatter. They are standing in a crowd that surrounds a clearly drunk Sex Edward, and Adam Sandler, who is also drunk but kind of always looks like he is anyway. The two are seemingly having a rap battle.]
Adam Sandler: I never thought that Renaud would hire such a suck-up! Your parents looked at Baby Ed and thought “Wow, what a fuck-up!”
[The crowd cheers and jeers Sex Edward, who starts rapping, though he slurs his words.]
Sex Edward: Ayo, I haven’t liked you since you were in that movie Click! I’m surprised Gus ain’t hit, you got the smallest of dicks!
[The crowd cheers again.]
Jew Wario: Oy vey, how’s he gonna come back from that?!
Adam Sandler: I may be Jewish, I may not be funny. I may not make the most largest amount of money, but at least I have my dignity in check. Cuj mi péro, brácho - I just dissed you in Czech!
[The crowd goes wild, but Sex Edward gestures to the crowd to stay silent, resulting in Jew Wario stopping his (simplistic) beatboxing.]
Sex Edward: You think that shit worked on me? You think that it hurt? You’re sponsored by the letter L like it’s Ernie and Bert!
Jew Wario: [whispering under his breath] Where’s he goin’ with this?
Sex Edward: Got green skin like Mr. Gus the way I’m counting these racks. Call up Mrs. Sandler, she busy fondling sacks. Not just mine, but my brothers, we passing it back. They should call me Dr. Nick because I got the knacks.
[The crowd starts to boo.]
Robert: This wasn’t in the Shakespeare play!
Sex Edward: [yelling to the crowd] Shut the fuck up for a second, and let me speak! [to Adam Sandler] I hope you kill yourself, you useless freak. 
[After moments of silent contemplation, Adam Sandler grabs Sex Edward with a growl and brandishes a knife, threatening him.]
Adam Sandler: I may be under the influence, but if one motherfucker goes too far, I am not afraid to let them never see the light of day again. Capiche? 
Sex Edward: I ain’t afraid of no Jews.
[Sex Edward knees Adam Sandler in his stomach, leading him to recoil in pain and drop the knife, which Sex Edward swiftly picks up and points daggerdly at Adam Sandler.]
Sex Edward: You may have just threatened me, but you didn’t pull any punches. Well, I ain’t no bitch, Pip.
[Sex Edward slides the knife onto Adam Sandler’s flesh as he struggles to stand up.]
Adam Sandler: Please, Ed, have mercy! You know we get a little rowdy when we’re drunk and all. It ain’t nothing to fight about.
[Sex Edward slits the knife into Adam Sandler’s chest, with every bloody slice fully audible, alongside Adam Sandler’s gruesomely pained moans. Adam Sandler, too weak to protest, takes his last look around at an unmoving crowd of soldiers, in fear of interfering.]
John.: [whispering to Jew Wario] Shouldn’t we do something?
Jew Wario: No, not at all. It’s all fate.
[Adam Sandler makes one last offscreen gasp before his head drops to the floor, dejectedly, with a syrupy trail leaking out of his chest onto the grave pavement. Sex Edward hesitantly pulls the blood-soaked weapon out of his former friend’s body, leaving a noticeable gash. Every word Sex Edward says echoes out like a flock of crows after midnight.]
Sex Edward: [voice cracking] Now, who’s next? Huh? Who wants some of this?
[We hear footsteps before the familiar face of Mr. Renaud appears. Sex Edward hides the knife behind his back.]
Mr. Renaud: Well, boys, how are the pleasantries? I understand you’ve been… [realises the corpse] up… all night. I… well, I– [chokes up] didn’t expect to see that today. Came as a s–s–surprise.
[Mr. Renaud breaks down and kneels by Adam Sandler’s corpse, as thunder strikes in the distance, causing a sudden rainstorm.]
Mr. Renaud: WHY?! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?! No… Ad– Adam… oh, my boy. By God’s name, by the balance of this God-forsaken Earth amidst the heavens and hells, they shall pay! 
[His words echo, as we cut to a funeral in a graveyard in Brazil, in which a picture of Adam Sandler is attached to a coffin decorated with bows and ribbons of floral tapestry and Impact font text reading “RIP LEGEND”. Those attending the funeral include Mr. Renaud, Jew Wario, Adam Walker, Scott Mama, and the military of bloons, which includes John., Rob and Josh. A hologram of the unnamed reverend from the first season appears to be officiating the funeral, using mashed-up voice clips from when he was alive.]
Reverend: We gather here today– 
[An automated voice interrupts.]
TTS Voice: –through video link to Heaven with the permission of God himself–
Reverend: –to celebrate the life of Ray William Johnson–
[The hologram rewinds.]
Reverend: –to celebrate the life of–
TTS Voice: –Adam Richard Sandler.
[Inexplicably missing from the funeral are Mr. Gus and Sex Edward. Jew Wario leans to Mr. Renaud, whom he is sitting to, and covertly whispers sweet nothings - read: lies - into his ear.]
Jew Wario: I bet Mr. Gus is off smashing his schbadonker into Sex Edward.
Mr. Renaud: [with a sigh] Don’t be ridiculous.
Jew Wario: I pray it not be the case but alas, it do be.
Mr. Renaud: Even if it were the case, honest Jew Wario, which I do reckon is speculation, this is neither the time nor place.
Jew Wario: That’s what Gusford said when he slid his crusty tail into your lieutenant’s vast, gaping–
Mr. Renaud: Mr. Jewish… why dost thou ruminate? And give thy worst of thoughts the worst of words?
[Mr. Renaud storms off, shocking the other funeral guests, who still fall silent in respect, before we cut to Renaud in his dressing gown in his Brazilian apartment. He has a mug of coffee in front of him that seems entirely full, and his eyes have been encrusted with the lavender jewels of sleep deprivation.]
Mr. Renaud: He couldn’t have. His only love is for me… I introduced him to elementary schools, I introduced him to high schools, I even introduced him to nurseries! Why can he exchange his love so swiftly? Am I not enough for that thick green layer of scales that decorate every swing of his obstructively large throbbing… tail? 
[A caption appears on screen that reads: “It’s a dick joke.”]
Mr. Renaud: Am I, a simple nonce, not enough? Stripped from my mayoral position in bloons, stripped from my status, cash and Epsteinial connections, what am I but a shaved ape… who fucks kids?
[Jew Wario enters the room.]
Jew Wario: Greetings, m’lord.
Mr. Renaud: Oh! Jew Wario… don’t even look at me! I’m not fit for human consumption right now.
Jew Wario: You look a mess, m’lord. You resemble horse feces shat out into a duck’s mouth and regurgitated into my hairy Jewish ass, m’lord.
Mr. Renaud: I’m fully aware, Jew Wario. I just can’t believe that Mr. Gus would do that to me.
Jew Wario: It’s not what he did to YOU that was the problem, m’lord.
Mr. Renaud: STOP CALLING ME M’LORD! I am less than your Lord, honest Jew Wario. I am your inferior! 
Jew Wario: Okay, m’piece of shit. Here’s your newspaper.
[Jew Wario dunks a newspaper onto Mr. Renaud’s lap. The headline reads “Bigfoot on the loose. Also, Conner Malarky has a triumphantly large cockmeister.”]
Mr. Renaud: Might as well know what’s goin’ on in Brazil. Now, who’s this Conner Malarky fella?
[Cut to Mr. Renaud out of his mayoral suit, in rags that he scrabbled together to act as “casual clothes”. He is attending a rally, led by no-one, all kneeling down and praying. Mr. Renaud elbows one of the followers and questions them.]
Mr. Renaud: Hey, what’s up with you and your friends? What’s all this?
Cult Member: Conner. Conner Malarky.
Mr. Renaud: Huh?
[The cult member drags Renaud down so that he kneels to the ground. Renaud is initially hesitant but his pupils dilate as he realises the mythical figure in front of him: an orange fish with a massive bulge in his blue pants. He hears his strong voice booming.]
Conner Malarky: Come forth, young one. 
Mr. Renaud: Which one?
Conner Malarky: The fourth one.
[Mr. Renaud counts in his head, realising that he is the fourth person.]
Mr. Renaud: I’m here! Not young, though.
Conner Malarky: Younger than me. After all, I’m five Bibles old. I see you are new to the cult of Malarky. Have you performed the initiation process?
Mr. Renaud: W-well, not yet, Mr. Malarky.
Conner Malarky: Well, it must be time. Swimming pool! Now!
[A dreamy transition into a gorgeous swimming pool. Mr. Renaud, now in a very revealing Speedo, is preparing to dive into the pool. An instructor, inexplicably elderly despite his profession, is holding a gun and counts down from three.]
Instructor: Three, two, one…
[The instructor misfires into his own chest, but Mr. Renaud ignores this and dives into the pool. In the middle of his route, there is a large Bible of unknown origin. Renaud, using his greasy meat slabs of hands, grabs desperately onto the Bible and starts chomping down. He hears the voice of Conner Malarky.]
Conner Malarky: YOU CAN DO IT! Make that Bible your bitch! It means nothing to you but a healthy snack.
[With the newfound confidence, Renaud shoves the Bible into his mouth and starts swimming to the other end of the pool. Once he reaches the corner, he struggles to launch himself back onto ground, but once more, he hears the omnipresent voice of Conner Malarky.]
Conner Malarky: Get your fat, lazy ass back on the soil. Do you think Jesus was as fat as you? Probably. 
[Renaud finds the strength to lift himself back onto soil. Immediately, he grunts, preparing his gaping hole for what is about to erupt. A crowd starts cheering.]
Crowd: Paul Renaud, you’re our man! If you can’t do it, no-one can!
[The holy book, desecrated by the exhausted stains of an old man’s anal cavity, drops onto the floor in remains. Once more, Renaud hears the voice of Conner Malarky.]
Conner Malarky: Now, young one. You must rearrange the sacred words into the narrative constructed by the Cult of Malarky. If you stay true to the beliefs that have been imprinted onto you by our prior demonstration, you will know in your heart where the words lie.
Mr. Renaud: B-but I didn’t listen properly!
Conner Malarky: Bruh.
[Cut to Mr. Renaud being raised onto a shrine by members of the Malarky cult.]
Conner Malarky: You are now one with the Malarky. Repeat after me: Conner Malarky has so much sex.
Mr. Renaud: Conner Malarky has so much sex.
Conner Malarky: Conner Malarky gets the hoes.
Mr. Renaud: Conner Malarky gets all the hoes.
Conner Malarky: I didn’t say “all”, but thanks! Now, finally: Conner Malarky is God of Cocks.
Mr. Renaud: [pause] No, I am the God of cocks.
Conner Malarky: Proof?
[Mr. Renaud unzips, and we cut to Israel, where Mr. Renaud is preaching to people attempting to go to work in Jerusalem.]
Mr. Renaud: Hello, my Israeli brethren! Haveth ye heard the tale of Conner Malarky?
Israeli Businessman: Sounds like a bunch of malarkey. 
Mr. Renaud: EXACTLY! Conner Malarky is our Lord and Saviour, and you will eventually feel the presence of his throbbing schbadonker slathering Jesus juice onto your unexpecting face.
Israeli Businessman: I don’t swing that way, sir.
Mr. Renaud: Don’t worry, Conner Malarky also approves of lesbians.
Israeli Businessman: I’m a man, ya filthy tramp! Is this another one of those Muslim insurrections?
Mr. Renaud: What’s a Moose Lamb? I only know Malarky.
Israeli Businessman: Yeah, I can tell. Buzz off!
[The Israeli businessman leaves, only for a group of Israeli children to show up and start climbing on Mr. Renaud.]
Mr. Renaud: This is my lucky day!
[An explosion is heard in the distance, and a man’s voice is heard through a speaker.]
Man: Take cover in the bunkers! Built for us by The Disney Corporation. Don’t forget to get your complementary Mickey Mouse wristband on the way in! Isaac Herzog, President of Israel, sponsored by Coca-Cola, signing out. Shout out Judaism!
Mr. Renaud: Where’s the bunkers?! I don’t wanna die before I can preach Malarky!
[The children jump off of him and run away.]
Mr. Renaud: NOOO! My only source of happiness - the gentle touch of a prepubescent leg - vanished! I might as well die.
[A rocket lands on Mr. Renaud and a “My leg!” sound effect plays. The episode fades to Mr. Renaud being cared for in a hospital by a doctor who inexplicably wears a yellow hat.]
Doctor: You’s okay, m’patient?
Mr. Renaud: When is a human truly okay? Is life not just a series of misfortunes we try to mask by small things that briefly release testosterone?
Doctor: What?
[The doctor takes off his mask and reveals himself as Jew Wario.]
Jew Wario: M’piece of shit, you’s okay?
Mr. Renaud: End my suffering.
Jew Wario: M’piece of shit, suicide’s not the answer! You should call 1201.
Mr. Renaud: Don’t tell me Jew things, damn it! You know I don’t speak Jewish. All I want right now is to go to Conner Malarky’s home, up above, where I can touch children all I want…
Jew Wario: M’nonce, don’t you worry! I had you put in a children’s hospital!
Mr. Renaud: WHAT?! So that’s why this bed was so small! My friend, you have been granted salvation by Conner Malarky. TIME TO HAVE SOME FUN!
[Mr. Renaud jumps out of his hospital bed, only to fall to the ground as he realises he has got no legs.]
Mr. Renaud: WHAT THE HELL?!
Jew Wario: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that.
Mr. Renaud: The great Malarky doesn’t have legs either. I… I must be Conner reincarnated. 
Jew Wario: Oy vey.
Mr. Renaud: Si. And as my first act as the finder-outer of Conner Malarky reincarnater, I will take over the city which is rightfully mine. Jerusalem, here I come!
Jew Wario: Not again.
[Cut to a flashback to a younger Conner Malarky, growing a beard reminiscent of Jesus. He is in the middle of the ocean, freely walking across each vast ripple of water.]
Conner Malarky: Jerusalem, here I come! I am here to take back the Holy Land in the name of Malarky! 
[Conner Malarky gazes at the nearby shore, wistfully plotting on the land he is soon to conquer. We then cut to a run-down Brazilian stand-up comedy club, wherein Sex Edward, now in rags, is attempting to perform. His jokes may be lost in translation.]
Sex Edward: Hey, what’s someone who uses the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki called?
[Dead silence from the audience.]
Sex Edward: A NERD!
[He chuckles to himself but is once again met with no reaction from the audience.]
Sex Edward: Okay, okay, I got one you guys’ll like. This joke crosses language barriers, trust me. What do you call it when a screenwriter gets too LIBERAL? A TRANSGENDER-SCRIPT! 
[Sex Edward laughs heartily and slaps his knee before realising no one else is laughing.]
Sex Edward: What? Transphobia isn’t funny in Brazil? No wonder you’re a third-world country. 
[Some of the audience members start to walk out.]
Sex Edward: Oh, come on! Man, you know that Eugene Krabs? What a weirdo! I hope he doesn’t catch me in those big meaty claws!
[The audience react more affirmatively.]
Sex Edward: Oh, you like that, huh? Well, you seen that guy’s daughter? Tell me how on God’s gracious Earth that man knocked up a whale. Better yet, a whole-ass whale came out of there!  No crab in that girl or nothin’! If you look at her, too, you’ll realise that “Pearl” might be overstating it a bit.
[The audience initially laughs, but starts to gasp once Mr. Krabs himself takes to the stage.]
Mr. Krabs: Keep my daughter’s name out ya fuckin’ mouth!
[The audience collectively gasps.]
Sex Edward: Hey, I don’t want any trouble, Mr. Krabapple. I’m just here tellin’ jokes.
[Mr. Krabs snatches the microphone.]
Mr. Krabs: I think the only reason why people are calling this man Sex Edward is because he is having Sex with Edward.
[This dumb homoerotic joke provokes a disproportionate amount of laughter from the audience.]
Sex Edward: Listen, last time I tried to roast someone, Adam Sandler had to go to his own funeral, so I don’t think this is the right thing to do, Eugene.
Mr. Krabs: You’re sayin’ YOU were the person who killed Adam Sandler?
Sex Edward: The washed-up comedy actor? Uh, yeah!
Mr. Krabs: Adam Sandler provided this community with so much funding. He built houses for Rio, sent some of the bloons money downward to the people who needed it the most. Adam Sandler was the face of one of the biggest charities in the country.
[Pan to a sign on the wall of the comedy club saying “STAND-UP COMEDY SPONSORED BY ADAM SANDLER FUND FOR THE CHILDREN IN NEED”.]
Sex Edward: Uh-oh. W-well, at least Mr. Renaud isn’t here! Then the children would really be in need, you know what I mean?
[A tense silence from the audience follows, before the pause is broken by Bigfoot’s appropriately massive foot takes one stomp onto the club and destroys its entire infrastructure, and presumably everyone inside. The scene once again flashes back to a younger Conner Malarky, now in Tel Aviv.]
Conner Malarky: [thinking to himself] I’m here to do what I must do! The Malarky doctrine must be preserved and spread across the whole world for generations! The first step is the Holy Land. [talking to a nearby child] Hey, lil’ kiddo, do you know the way to Jerusalem?
Child: [trembling] I don’t know the exact directions, sir… I know it’s south from here.
Conner Malarky: Hey… [pause] what’s wrong, boy?
Child: K-K-Kirkburn is at our school.
Conner Malarky: Say, who’s this Kirkburn?
[Cut to Mr. Renaud, still in hospital, reading the diaries of Conner Malarky. Jew Wario is sat besides him, checking his phone, before letting out a deep sigh.]
Jew Wario: Are ya still obsessed with that Malarky fella? Y’know, he’s probably full of shit. Like all religions.
Mr. Renaud: Isn’t your name Jew Wario?
Jew Wario: I ain’t payin’ to get it changed to Agnostic Bowser Jr. or nothin’. What chapter you on in that Malarky bible, anyway?
Mr. Renaud: Oh, I’m just reading about his captivating journey to Israel, and how he saved innocent children from the brutality of this evil king.
Jew Wario: [contemplates] Let me read some of that! Gah, it can’t be that good. Just a bunch of malarkey.
Mr. Renaud: Why, exactly.
[Jew Wario snatches the book from Mr. Renaud and starts flipping the pages.]
Jew Wario: What’s this here, huh? “The Evil King was defeated before he could get his hands on the poor Israeli children”. 
Mr. Renaud: He wouldn’t say that!
[Mr. Renaud snatches the book back and starts reading what Jew Wario pointed towards.]
Jew Wario: Yeah, looksie here!
Mr. Renaud: “Conner Malarky believes that those who have sexual attraction towards children are disgraceful and disgusting individuals.” T-this must be a lie.
Jew Wario: Well, it says “written by Conner Malarky”.
Mr. Renaud: It must have been doctored at some point!
[Mr. Renaud flips countless pages to find the back of the book with the credits.]
Mr. Renaud: SEE? Here! Here! “Edited by… Conner Malarky”. No. It can’t be.
Jew Wario: It do be.
Mr. Renaud: Conner Malarky is anti-MAP!
Jew Wario: Isn’t everyone?
Mr. Renaud: Well, you’re friends with me, Honest Jew Wario, so you couldn’t be anti-MAP.
[Jew Wario looks at the camera for an uncomfortable amount of time, smirking.]
Mr. Renaud: Right, Mr. Jew?
Jew Wario: Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m all for MAPs. I love pedophiles. It’s nonce or nothing in my household.
Mr. Renaud: For some reason, I don’t believe you. In fact, I have an aching suspicion that you are anti-MAP.
Jew Wario: Why would I be against MAPs? I fully supported the special military opposition in Joe Mama Elementary.
Mr. Renaud: Then why is Bigfoot on the loose? Who told him that Gussy was my partner, hm?
Jew Wario: Well…
Mr. Renaud: And who has kept me in here for months on end for no reason?
Jew Wario: Well, there’s a reason! Yer legs fell off!
[Zoom out to show Mr. Renaud’s legs now fully grown and functioning.]
Mr. Renaud: My legs grew back half a year ago.
Jew Wario: [pause] …W-well, what a miraculous recovery! I think we should celebrate!
Mr. Renaud: No, no, no, Jew Wario. I think I need to take matters into my own hands.
Jew Wario: What matters?
[Mr. Renaud walks to the window.]
Mr. Renaud: I… am going to kill Conner Malarky.
[A dramatic music cue plays and the episode fades to black, before returning to a theatre, in which the audience has just sat down, preparing to watch the theatrical masterpiece unfold in front of their eyes. A man in a suit and tie - with sharp fangs - walks on stage with a gentle press of his glasses against his pale, white nose. He adjusts the microphone.]
Host: Good morning, everyone. I hope you’re ready for an unforgettable night of theatre.
[The audience cheers.]
Host: Now this play was written about a man whose member rivaled steel pillars. A man whose cock straddled parallel universes. The one and only Conner Malarky.
[The audience cheers once again.]
Host: Now, without further adieu, I present to you: All the World’s a Stage: the Finding Bigfoot Musical!
[The audience cheers and applauds as the host hops off stage, letting the curtains open swiftly to reveal a Great Depression-era backdrop of a rural area in the United States. A small boy, separated from his mother, looking out of the window of their weather-damaged home smoking a cigarette, stands in the middle of the stage, wearing beige overalls and a small beret. He starts singing over a gentle piano instrumental.]
Boy: Oh, how I wish I could be with the stars
I could hang with Charlie Chaplin and ride scary German cars
But I suppose that it’s not meant to be for a poor boy like me
Mother: [with a rasp] Conner, get your ass in here, and cook Momma some tea!
Conner: Oh, mother, whilst I must oblige
I wish I were in paradise
A talent like I deserves so much more
Than making drinks for this old whore
Mother: [spoken] I can still hear you when you sing, jackass.
[The mother walks out of the door and starts singing, as the instrumental rises in intensity with the inclusion of drums.]
Mother: We live on a blighted star, Conner, so have a reality check
You won’t be in Hollywood eating thousand dollar cheques
That’s not how the world works, so suck it up before I spank
You have it better than your neighbours, you coulda been named Frank!
Now, Conner, I know it must be hard 
To know you’ll never pass a certain bar
But life is full of struggle - on my teats you used to suckle
And by gosh, you left a hell of a scar!
[The mother starts to undo her top before Conner protests.]
Conner: [spoken] Don’t show me that!
Mother: [singing] It’s better to admit
That if your parents earn jack shit
Then you ain’t getting anywhere in life
Except pain, torment and strife
By 15, I’ll buy you a wife
And hopefully she’s not your sister…
Conner: But Mother…
Mother: But nothing!
If I had a dick, you’d suck it!
The dog just shit, you gotta shovel it!
I’m a single mother, in three months, you’ll have a brother
So I’m not investing my time in pipe dreams!
Conner: But please…
What if I go to local libraries and read?
Mother: Conner, you don’t know how to read!
Conner: I’ll get a teach! 
And I will learn philosophy
And I’ll read Dickens, I’ll read Marx, I’ll read Shakespeare too
And I’ll come to the conclusion that they’re all cuckoo
So I’ll start reading the Bible and I’ll read the Quran 
And then I’ll make a new religion, you’ll be the God’s Mom
Mother: [spoken] Conner, I don’t have time for this.
[The music abruptly stops as Conner’s mother hands him a towel.]
Mother: Now dust off the mantelpiece, will ya? God, can’t a pregnant woman ask for a favour these days without being sung show tunes?
[We cut - conveniently - to the audience applauding before we cut back to the stage, which has inexplicably changed setting within a couple seconds. The setting is now Israel in modern day, wherein an actor playing Jew Wario is reading a newspaper in a hospital, sitting besides an actor playing Mr. Renaud. Swaggering rock music starts to play in the background, muffling out Jew Wario’s speech.]
Jew Wario: You hear about this war in Ukraine?
[Mr. Renaud interrupts Jew Wario with a slow, banging rock song about Conner Malarky.]
Mr. Renaud: Now stop right there, my dear Semitic friend
Honest Jew Wario, you really drive me ‘round the bend
To think I care about the conflict in far-off lands
When I’m reading holy scriptures ‘bout the perfect man!
[Mr. Renaud throws the book he’s reading away and starts dancing.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh, Conner Malarky! He’s a prophet for the ages
I’ve read half of his book, still got like seven thousand pages
Oh, Conner Malarky! I could read his thoughts for hours
If you cloned him, their two cocks would be like the Twin Towers
When I discovered him, I knew I was in for a treat
And my heart was warmed, he came from poverty
That made me realise that a poor soul like I
Could become a missionary!
Jew Wario: But m’piece of shit, you’re privileged!
You’re the Mayor of bloons
What has Conner Malarky done that you couldn’t do?
Mr. Renaud: He taught me how to believe in myself!
I gotta leave the non-believers on an empty bookshelf
I’m sorry, Jew Wario, but you bring me down often
You’re stopping me from spreading the Malarky doctrine
Oh, Conner Malarky! I feel like you as a boy
When you sneaked into the library and read Leo Tolstoy
Oh, Conner Malarky! You inspire me so
You were on the streets preaching, nothin’ covering your toes
And I’m so glad your words got to me
You saved me from going under!
Jew Wario: [spoken] With all due respect, sir, you’ve still got a lot of pages left.
Mr. Renaud: [singing] Jew Wario, don’t ruin my thunder!
Oh, Conner Malarky…! He’s one sexy motherfucker!
[The song comes to a bombastic conclusion as once again, the audience applauds just in time for an inexplicable set change, this time to Conner Malarky in prison handwriting his thoughts on paper.]
Conner Malarky: I can’t believe they locked me up for just having an opinion that all women should walk around nude in public! This may be 1934, but it sure feels like fifty years later. Ain’t that right, Smarmy Johnathan? 
[Silence.]
Conner Malarky: Smarmy Johnathan?
[Conner Malarky turns around and realises that Smarmy Johnathan’s corpse, replicated on stage by a scarecrow, sits in the corner.]
Conner Malarky: No! What happened? The only person deprived of enough food and shelter to agree with my beliefs is with God now… hey, if he’s with God, and he likes my beliefs. Maybe… maybe I’m God.
[Conner grins before the scene cuts to an R&B music video, with a Soul Train backdrop and text appearing on screen that reads “Conner Malarky: I’m God”. Conner Malarky, dressed in a snazzy suit, starts singing in front of backing vocalists that are wearing identical clothing.]
Conner Malarky: Oh, I never knew… (Never knew!)
That the sky truly had no limits! (The sky!)
I’m the father (The father!) - and the son (Son!)
And the holy spirit! (All at the same time!)
Now, Mother, I know it must be hard
To know your son took great lengths to get this far
But God gave me a dick this long
So you know that Conner Malarky had to go hard! (Ooooh)
I’ll publish my writings (Writings!)
And get so much cash! (Cha-ching!)
And idiots from all across the world
Will start kissing my ass!
[Cut back to Mr. Renaud in the present day singing to the same instrumental.]
Mr. Renaud: Conner Malarky, you’re my pride and joy
I want an action figure of you, so you can be my toy
Ooh, I will always be loyal to you, never fall into a non-believer’s trap!
Jew Wario: [singing as he reads from Conner Malarky’s bible] Hey, it says right here that he wasn’t big on MAPs!
[The music turns into a dramatic orchestral cue and rapidly intensifies.]
Mr. Renaud: THIS CAN’T BE TRUE! IT CAN’T BE TRUE!
Conner, I had so much love for you!
How could you betray me and say you disapprove of pedophiles
When in page 267, you endorse the necrophiles?
This motherfucker is a traitor, so I must go murder him!
Jew Wario: But m’lord, just five minutes earlier, you worshiped him!
Mr. Renaud: [rapidly singing] I will go to war with any silly little whore
Who thinks that it is not alright to touch kids and it is a crime
Because I’m an innocent man who just happens to only bang
Those 17 years and below, boy, they really put on a show-ow-ow…
[spoken] Now I’m gonna kill that bastard. Bye-bye, Jew Wario. If I never see you again, remember this: I always secretly preferred you to Sex Edward.
Jew Wario: [visibly touched] Aw. Thanks, Mr. Renaud. That means a lot.
[As Mr. Renaud leaves and shuts the door, Jew Wario speaks to the audience.]
Jew Wario: I really did NOT expect my scheme to grow this far in scale. I just wanted to be higher up in command than that putz Sex Edward… not for Mr. Renaud to become some Malarkian missionary who travels to Jerusalem and ends up killing Jesus or whatever the fuck.
[The audience laughs.]
Jew Wario: Well, I guess we’re never gonna get back to bloons. Things won’t go back to normal as I’d hoped they would. It all went way over my head once Bigfoot invaded. 
[Just as he says that, gargantuan, echoing footsteps are heard in the distance, before Bigfoot appears on stage, with large handcuffs on his wrists that Jew Wario helps to remove.]
Bigfoot: [singing a jingle] Good news, Jew Wario, they gave me parole!
And I still hate the government and love the fucking dole!
[The curtains close for intermission, and the host shows up on stage.]
Host: I hope you are all enjoying the play so far. It is a truly masterful work. Now, we shall have a fifteen minute intermission, wherein you are free to use the restrooms, grab some beverages or even a light snack. You are, however, NOT free to leave. No one is ever free to leave. 
[The audience laugh, but a caption appears on screen that reads “That was not a joke”. The screen fades to black briefly, as if there were a commercial break, before returning to show some of the audience members drinking wine and conversing about the play.]
Man: I sure do relate to that Jew Wario. You tell one white lie and it all goes out of hand.
Second Man: I sure do relate to that Mr. Renaud.
[The first male audience member side-eyes his friend, and the play commences once again with a scene of an actor portraying Mr. Gus in his rented, scuffed Brazilian apartment. Slow, piano-based music plays as Gus sings a ballad about his loneliness.]
Mr. Gus: Oh, I’m not used to this, living cheque to cheque in Rio
Boy, do I miss the days? Me and Paul would feel so free, oh
In bloons, he makes the laws so I never get caught
When I march on down to junior schools and make ‘em distraught
But here, no-one accepts me for who I am
Nobody in Brazil wants to fund a MAP
So I work in an office, I’m yelled at by bosses
And IIII just want to escape!
Oh, back in bloons, I felt respected
Never thought daddy Bigfoot would be so affected
Before that dreadful day, he’d never inspected
And so the record shows, me and Renaud always protected!
[The music picks up as Mr. Gus starts dancing with a cane and top hat in his apartment.]
Mr. Gus: Ladies and gentlemen, my loneliness has been detected
Don’t wanna see myself in the mirror, don’t want to be reflected
Now my life is in ruins like a frog I dissected
And I think it’s all because of those kids that I–
[Mr. Gus mouths words but the actor’s microphone seems to have stopped picking up, leading to some groans from the audience. We cut - conveniently - to the audience, many of whom are shaking their heads, before it cuts inexplicably to Joe, getting her makeup ready in her bathroom as an uptempo pop rock number plays.]
Joe: I am gonna go to bloons and see Adam, and we are gonna have so - much - fun!
I’m gonna see the sights, talk to the mayor and maybe get some shots in - my - bum!
‘Cause the laws regarding anything are lenient in bloons
And I will confess to illegal plans if it’s in catchy tunes
So I’m goooing to bloons!
[Joe starts to get prepared to go outside, grabbing her keys and shoving them - and her phone - into her perfect.]
Joe: Sometimes I’m scared of new places and new faces ‘cause I don’t know how - they’ll - think!
Especially regarding a barely-passing Disney Princess with a big - ass - dick!
If I go to nightclubs, will men come to me and ask
Questions they can Google or will they just grope my ass?
[hesitantly] Guess I’m goooing to bloons!
[The rock instrumental is stripped to just drum and bass as Joe leaves her home and enters her car, revving up the engine in parallel to Mr. Renaud, who appears as a split-screen also revving up his car in what is assumed to be days after Joe.]
Mr. Renaud: I am going to fucking murder Conner Malarky (What?!)
I am going to fucking murder Conner Malarky (Oh!)
I am going to fucking murder Conner Malarky (Yeah!)
And not one of you motherfuckers can even stop me
I can’t believe this man I preached would betray me like this
It’s fantasy and I can’t see why he would take the piss
I’ll be smoking on Malarky pack, roll his corpse in a spliff
If guns don’t work, I’ll take my knife and stab his massive dick, oi!
[The guitars come crashing in for an epic solo as we see clips of both Joe and Mr. Renaud speeding down the highway. In both characters’ clips, we see Bigfoot appearing in the distance, confusing the two - and they harmonise in fear.]
Joe & Mr. Renaud: What’s that furry thing I see heading its way in front of me?
Is this God’s punishment for–
Joe: When I killed Ray?
Mr. Renaud: All the noncery?
[Bigfoot picks up Joe’s Honda Civic and tosses it away into a nearby skyscraper. A nearby church choir sings mournfully in acapella.]
Church Choir: May Joe rest in peace - even though her sheer existence was blasphemy!
[The heavy rock instrumental returns at a slower, grungier pace as now only Mr. Renaud faces the threat of Bigfoot.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh, no, please! Don’t hurt me! All I did was fuck your son - and a couple others!
Bigfoot: You will see - no mercy! For you tainted the good name of Michael Breakfast Gusford!
Mr. Renaud: You can’t kill me, I’m the Mayor!
Bigfoot: In Brazil, you mean jack shit, you worthless traitor!
When they see you on obituaries, they’ll be like “LOL”!
I HATE THE GOVERNMENT, AND LOVE THE FUCKING DOLE!
[The rock instrumental gains more pace as a graceful piano comes in for Renaud to make his defense, though by this time he’s already nearing Bigfoot’s mouth in his white Renault van.]
Mr. Renaud: Oh, Bigfoot, could you save me, please?
I am on my way to kill that c[bleep] Conner Malarky!
Bigfoot: Well, what did he do? Conversion therapy?
Mr. Renaud: Oh, boy, can I tell you about how he betrayed meee?
[Suddenly, a man with angel wings appears in the sky above the chaotic traffic in Rio, which Bigfoot is standing in the middle of. He reveals himself - via a massive censor bar below his waist - as Conner Malarky in the flesh.]
Conner Malarky: First, let me get my side of the storyyyyy!
[The instrumental slows down to a gentle piano ballad with acoustic guitars and strings as Conner Malarky mellowly explains.]
Conner Malarky: Now you I have studied, for quite a long time
A fascinating man, within bloons, the power is thine
But you felt insecure about the status quo 
Being shifted even though fate is always divine.
You let Jew Wario manipulate ya
He was full of deceit, even he couldn’t hate ya
For a pedophile, your personality is cool
But a troubled man is almost always a fool.
You felt the need to convert to my religion
Even though most sex offenders are practicing Christians
Because you thought that I would excuse your behaviour
Conner Malarky ain’t no motherfucking pedophile saviour.
What you’re doing is wrong, and how dare you try to kill me!
You prayed to me at night hoping Conner would fulfil ye
But nothing is riiiight about you, bro
And I’d give Bigfoot permission to throw.
[Bigfoot starts to aim at a building, but Conner Malarky stops him in his tracks as a full orchestra backs his belting.]
Conner Malarky: But noooo, oh! Violence I don’t condone!
Even though I know you were sent here by Jew Wario!
I know that Mr. Gus has got you feeling low
But you’ve got to talk with your son, that’s what fathers do, don’t you know?
As for Jew Wario, well, it was off with his head
And when you stomped on that comedy club, I’m afraid you killed Sex Ed
And you killed Joe with a similar throw
I know all and all I knooooooow!
Oh, Bigfoot, I knew we’d find you soon!
I got the hint when Adam said, “Fuck it, I’m moving to bloons”
People are great, these events really tested my love for you!
I haven’t seen anything this immoral since SBFW!
[spoken] And trust me, those guys were weird.
[singing] So don’t kill Renaud, solve it with words
And if words don’t wooooooork…
[spoken] Then fuck, that’s kind of out of my wheelhouse, I’m not gonna lie. Solve it for your yourselves. Alright, thanks, orchestra! I’ll pay you tomorrow!
[He mouths “No, I won’t” to Bigfoot and vanishes alongside his orchestra. Bigfoot stands in the traffic as the music that had drowned out the cacophony of car alarms, screaming and police gunfire fades. Amidst the chaos, one bullet hits Bigfoot in the back and he starts to stammer. As he falls to the ground, the curtains close and a rapturous applause from the audience follows. The host returns to the stage.]
Host: Thank you, thank you, thank you!
[Bunches of flowers are being thrown at him.]
Host: I really am so glad you enjoyed the production tonight. Sadly, the cast members are quite literally all dead so they cannot bow for you tonight but please applaud them regardless!
[The audience follow his instructions, and start to leave, with the general hubbub slightly drowning out his speech.]
Host: Now before you leave, I’d just like to ask you if you could leave your glasses on the tables. Our servants – I mean, employees will pick them up later. Have a wonderful evening, everyone! I’ve been Adam Walker. Goodnight!
[The screen fades to black and the voice of Ray William Johnson is heard.]
Ray William Johnson: What's happenin', forum? Look on the tragic loading of this bed: this is thy work: the object poisons sight; let it be hid. Alan, keep the house, and seize upon the fortunes of Renaud, for they succeed on you. To you, lord governor, remains the censure of this hellish villain; the time, the place, the torture: O, enforce it! Myself will straight aboard: and to the state this heavy act with heavy heart relate.
[The black screen fades back into backstage at a theatre. The hubbub of people leaving is heard as Adam Walker sits down behind the curtains on the floor. The set is mostly destroyed, with dilapidated buildings, ongoing fires and a generally smoky atmosphere, with police siren sound effects still blaring in the distance. Adam chugs a cup of “water” before crushing the plastic cup on his head and sighing in relief.]
Adam: A play that can truly never be replicated. After all, the cast all risked their lives to play a part. Don’t you love the smell of blood after a good show, Marie? Marie?
[Silence.]
Adam: Oh, yeah, I forgot. She died. 
[Cut to a black and white titlecard that says “SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD - OVERCROWDED”, before fading to black and returning to a scene that shows Adam Walker, still in his theatre suit, walking briskly towards an elevator in a bizarrely abandoned office building within bloons. He gets close enough to an elevator for the automatic doors to open before a red tint covers the screen and an alarm blares. A caption appears on the bottom of the screen that reads: “Warning! Flashing Lights”, before disappearing as Adam, surprisingly unphased, questions the lights.]
Adam: Huh? Well, you can never trust bloons to be maintained, especially since their mayor is… uh… where is Mayor Renaud?
[Cut to a hospital where the nurses are frantically trying to place the remains of Mr. Renaud back together, but as they place his brain back in his sore head, it starts to bloat. They squeeze to keep it in but the blood spurts out like a tornado from the top of his balding head. We cut back to Adam.]
Adam: Anyway, what’s new in bloons, ey? At least the elevator’s open already.
[Adam steps cautiously into the elevator but can barely get his briefcase in with him before it slams shut. No longer are the red lights surrounding him but the elevator refuses to move. Adam, in panic, presses every floor button to no avail. After wiping off his sweat, he resigns his fear and sits down in the corner, seemingly accepting his fate. The intro to “” plays as Adam sighs, before opening his briefcase, taking out his laptop and opening a Foogle document.]
Adam: This gives me an idea.
[The screen fades to a time prior to these events, with Jew Wario, clearly exhausted from jet lag, entering a synagogue in bloons. The synagogue seems familiar - as does the rabbi in front accepting donations and providing kippahs to those without who attend. There is a long queue but eventually the rabbi, a bloated man with blue skin, gazes upon Jew Wario. He looks him up and down and shakes his head.]
Rabbi Scott Mama: I request that you leave this synagogue.
Jew Wario: W-what?! Why ain’t I allowed in a synagogue, m’Jew? It’s in my name! I’m not Orthodox Bowser!
Scott: Your actions towards the government of bloons, great friends of ours who have funded our place of worship through the years, even in times of need, do not display any of the teachings of the Jewish faith.
Jew Wario: You’re funded by kid-fiddlers, ya phony!
Scott: You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour. Your scheme of manipulation isolates you from the vast majority of Jews, who wish to be part of a loving, caring and equal society. You and your friend Sex Edward…
[Jew Wario scoffs at the idea of being friends with Sex Edward.]
Scott: …have led to the utter devastation we face in bloons today, and your presence in this place of worship is by no means necessary.
[Fade from black to the interior of a house, with the lights off, obscuring most of the home except the fireplace and the mantelpiece surrounding it. An alarm clock rings and we hear a faint yell from upstairs. Cut to Dennis smashing his face into the pillow three times. His eyes are bloodshot and surrounded by large, purple bags. Zoom out to the bed that Dennis is lying in, in an incredibly uncomfortable position, which is mostly black due to burnt patches all over the mattress. He is fully-clothed, including his belt, jacket and obnoxiously large cowboy hat. Dennis turns to his side and picks up a half-empty keg of beer, with its label replaced with a post-it note saying “KELP JUICE”, before taking a swig.]
Dennis: Gah! I didn't sleep a wink last night. [voiceover] That’s me, Dennis, the greatest man who ever lived - and here’s my daily routine. First, I wake up and brush my teeth with Coral B toothpaste.
[A very cool flame transition plays, revealing a contrastingly boring bathroom.]
Dennis: I like to brush until I bleed. That's how you know they're clean.
[He rigorously brushes his crooked, black teeth whilst plays, with chainsaw sounds added for effect.]
Dennis: All done!
[Close-up of his seven stumps of teeth, scattered around his mouth. One cracks and falls out of his mouth onto the floor.]
Dennis: 9/10 dentists recommend Coral B toothpaste. I’m the tenth.
[Silence for a couple seconds. Dennis then gags before another epic flame transition takes us to Dennis walking around his living room, which is decorated in gothic and ‘biker’ iconography.]
Dennis: After that, I have some deliciously home-cooked breakfast.
[He walks to the kitchen, also contrastingly boring, and opens a fridge, before taking out a tin of beans.]
Dennis: I like beans on toast myself. Human beans, that is.
[Close up on the can. It reads: “GREEN BEANS, MADE FROM HUMANS, BY HUMANS”. Cut to Dennis using one hand to pour cat food into a bowl and the other to check his phone, covered in gothic decals.]
Dennis: After breakfast, I usually like to feed my pets Tony and Stanley. Come on, guys, let’s get you on the camera.
[Dennis picks up the camera (hence, the screen goes black for a second) and moves it to show an adorable image of a cat and dog playing in a field of daisies.]
Dennis: Oops, my bad.
[He re-focuses the camera and zooms out to a bloodstained cage inhabited by a grey wolf which is bruised and has its fur mostly shaved off, with the exception of its tail, as well as a white tiger chained to the bars at the back of the cage, dribbling blood.]
Dennis: Aren’t they adorable? Oh, just lovely. I don’t know how I could survive without them.
[Stanley the wolf takes a leap at the camera and it quickly cuts back to Dennis, sitting on his sofa in the living room. The sofa is half covered in spikes and half on fire.]
Dennis: Before my morning shower, I like to turn on the television and watch a bit of the morning news. 
[Muffled audio is heard from the television, as well as a slicing sound. Dennis chuckles to himself.]
Dennis: God, I love it when the reporters get beheaded live on air. 
[He takes a drag from a Cuban cigar before a cut to Squidward sitting next to an unconscious SpongeBob at a hospital.]
Squidward: If it helps, Dennis probably cries into his cereal every morning.
[We cut back to Dennis chugging the milk out of his cereal bowl whilst shirtless on a spinning chair, with Epic-sounding rock music playing in the background.]
Dennis: Woo!
[We cut back to the hospital. A nurse, with a heavy accent, enters the room.]
Nurse: [snarling] Pack up, cephalopod. You've been by this guy's bedside for three days straight.
Squidward: No! You don't understand!
Nurse: What don't I understand? You've been in the room too long, pal. Leave.
[Cut to Squidward in typical late night Bikini Bottom traffic. He's shaking at the wheel. We hear Squidward’s thoughts.]
Squidward: I just don't get it. SpongeBob's a saint, but he's the one in a coma. He was all smiles the day before the accident. I can just remember his stupid yellow face and his red, pulsating cheeks and his perfect, white teeth and his–
[Squidward yells and rests his head on the steering wheel. He looks up.]
Squidward: Oh, God, why SpongeBob? What did he do to you that I haven’t done tenfold?
[Squidward groans as the screen blurs into a flashback, wherein Squidward and SpongeBob are working in full employee uniform, in a renewed version of the Krusty Krab. They are holding suitcases full of baggage and are struggling to move up the puzzling staircase.]
SpongeBob: Don’t you just love working at the Krusty Towers, Squidwardiard? I think this was a great idea to expand the Krab this way!
Squidward: Oh, please! This is just another way to fill his pockets. He won’t even let us use the elevator!
[Squidward drops the suitcases and thinks to himself:]
Squidward: Say, he’s at that medieval war reenactment all day today. [speaking out loud] We could use the elevator in secret, right?
SpongeBob: Splendid idea, Squidward! Although, don’t you think we might get caught with the…
[We see a close-up of SpongeBob’s sleep deprived eyes as he dreads saying the next few words.]
SpongeBob: [hesitantly] …security cameras?
Squidward: Oh, don’t be ridiculous…
[Cut to Squidward and SpongeBob pressed up against the sides of a broken elevator with the mercenary Dennis on the other side pointing a gun at Squidward.]
Squidward: Oh, for the love of Neptune–
Dennis: Shut your mouth, f[dolphin chirp]. Use the stairs next time and maybe you won’t have to be locked in an elevator with Devilish Dennis.
SpongeBob: Squidward… I’m scared…
[SpongeBob’s legs are shivering, making a sound not unlike teeth chattering. Dennis fires a lone shot at the ground, and SpongeBob’s legs shoot in the air, holding Squidward, who is tall enough to cram his head onto the ceiling. Both SpongeBob and Squidward, dizzied by the crash, fall back onto the floor. Squidward quickly regains consciousness.]
Squidward: Listen, Dennis. You can hurt me but please don’t hurt my little buddy SpongeBob. I spend half the time wanting him dead but I think one person is enough. He hasn’t really done anything wrong.
Dennis: Okay, fine, octopussy. But I’ll be back. And you’ll have to… TRAIN… for our next encounter.
[Dennis, maniacally laughing, places the back of his elbows onto the elevator walls and merges with it, disintegrating his own body and leaving no trace.]
SpongeBob: I LOVE TRAINS! 
[SpongeBob lets out his signature laugh before the scene cuts to one of SpongeBob struggling in the hospital as Squidward, bags under his eyes, looks on depressingly, longing for the time that he wasted. He’s looking at a picture of SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward, the first two catching jellyfish in Jellyfish Fields whilst Squidward looks disgruntled. A tear is shed onto the corner of the photo, dampening its edges. We hear SpongeBob’s voice.]
SpongeBob: [voiceover] Squidward wasn’t really trying to hurt me, he was just trying to be a good friend, and I’m sure he knows that. He’s a smart squid after all. He’s probably at the Krusty Krab serving customers and delivering those juicy Krabby Patties as usual.
[SpongeBob’s words echo as the screen fades to Adam still in the elevator, now decorated with pieces of paper scribbled all over and stapled to the wall. Adam is barefoot - for no reason - and exhausted, but thoughts are still sprawling out of his mind.]
Adam: Hmm… who should be the three brilliant characters stuck in the morbillionth episode of… uh… shit, I haven’t even named it yet. Well, NAMES COME LATER! The characters come first! Hmm… I’ve already used all 70 variations of Mr. Krabs. Maybe my, uh, backwards cousin Aaron could be in an episode.
[We cut to a farm wherein Aaron Walker is sitting on a bench near a massive cow, wearing an oversized wedding ring on her neck. Aaron is playing a banjo and singing to the tune of “” by .]
Aaron: [singing] Today is gonna be the day where I’m gonna have sex with cows…
[The cow moos in disappointment.]
Aaron: What? You have a boyfriend now? I thought I was the only one for you, Jane.
[Jane shakes her head, and before Aaron can weep, a black bull comes heading for him.]
Aaron: Oh, that shit’s not bussin’, for real.
[The bull headbutts Aaron into the sky as Jane, easily wooed, walks up to the bull and nuzzles him. We can hear Aaron scream faintly in the sky.]
Aaron: At last I understand the consequences of my looove…
[He disappears with a twinkle. Cut to yet another elevator, wherein Mr. Krabs, Plankton and the Flying Dutchman reside. Krabs and Plankton are in musketeer uniform and are swordfighting, much to the Flying Dutchman’s dismay.]
Mr. Krabs: Enguarde, Monsieur Plankton!
The Flying Dutchman: Oh, come on! Where are the hoes? I’d been told there were hot chicks in this elevator! All I see are sweaty nerds who own fast food restaurants!
Krabs: God, I’ve never seen a hornier ghost.
Dutchman: Go suck a cumsock. 
[The Dutchman puts on a gold necklace and sunglasses as he smokes a cigarette, causing everyone in the elevator to cough profusely.]
Krabs: Come on, dude, this is a no-smoke elevator!
Dutchman: Your point, fucker?
Krabs: Why are you such a [dolphin chirp]?
Dutchman: I’m fucking dead. I can do whatever I like, yo.
Sheldon: Are you just gonna keep talking to this dead dude, or are you gonna keep swordfighting?
Krabs: This dead jackass started it.
Dutchman: You’re just jealous that since I am dead I can fuck your ugly-ass momma.
[The Dutchman takes a drag from his cigarette.]
Krabs: SHE IS NOT UGLY! I’LL KILL YOU!
Dutchman: Already dead, fucker. Thug life!
[Plankton points his sword towards his face below his mouth and weeps.]
Plankton: There has never been a better time to take my own life.
[Plankton stabs himself, and both Krabs and the Dutchman stop their argument, gasping in shock as their… “friend”(???) lies dead on the floor.]
Krabs: I blame Kirkburn.
[Cut to a black screen with white text saying “WHOOPS” as a monotone narrator reads the following:]
Narrator: We here at the Bing Bong Corporation do not acknowledge or approve of these views and opinions provided by the cast and crew of SBFW: THREE’S A CROWD. In fact, here at the Bing Bong Corporation, we LOVE the staff of the FANDOM website. If we had just one minute in a broken elevator with Mister Woodhouse, we’d put his–
[Cut to a white screen with black text saying “WHOOPS” as a monotone female narrator reads the following:]
Narrator 2: I did not have sexual intercourse with that man, Mister Woodhouse. 
Dutchman: [offscreen] “Woodhouse” sounds like the name for an erectile dysfunction.
[Krabs stammers in confusion, as the screen fades back to the elevator.]
Krabs: OUR FRIEND IS DEAD AND ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION! I have half a mind to suck you up in this conveniently placed vacuum!
[Krabs picks up a vacuum from , who is for some reason now in the elevator. A caption appears on screen saying: “Three living people at all times.”]
Luigi: Mama-mia! I can no longer sexually satisfy my wife!
[Luigi shoots himself in the head suddenly as a laugh track plays.]
Producer: [offscreen] For fuck’s sake, just plop SpongeBob in.
[Murmuring is heard from offscreen in the production room.]
Producer: [offscreen] He’s in the hospital? God damn it. 
Krabs: Okay, I don’t know what we’re doing anymore.
Producer: [offscreen] Just restart the fucking episode.
[Static fills the screen before cutting back to the elevator as it was at the start of the episode, except Plankton is still lying dead on the floor.]
Krabs: Enguarde! 
[Krabs picks up Plankton with his sword which sticks to Plankton like a fork. Krabs contemplates for a good 20 seconds in intense thinking before deciding to eat Plankton’s corpse.]
Dutchman: Well, at least you didn’t… you know…
Krabs: Please. Me fucking corpses is trademarked to NKC. 
Dutchman: What does that even mean? I am a pirate from the 1600s, I hate gay people so damn much, and I have no idea what a trademark is.
[The Atomic Flounder suddenly appears.]
Atomic Flounder: That’s my schtick! [faces the camera] .
Krabs: Hey! My friend Locknloaded23 would be largely offended by that! Trans women are just as valid as cis women.
Atomic Flounder: Are you… the woke mob that has been telling me about?
Krabs: Possibly. Don’t make me get Locknloaded23 in here.
Atomic Flounder: What could that [dolphin chirp] possibly– 
“SUDDENLY ATOMIC FLOUNDER GETS A BONER SO HUGE HE EXPLODES!!!!”
Krabs: That.
Atomic Flounder: [weakly, with his last breaths] 41%! Look it up!
[He dies.]
Dutchman: I haven’t seen a boner that big since… well… you know…
Krabs: I DO NOT FUCK CORPSES! That is my NKC equivalent, and in the Bigfoot Cinematic Universe, I have no relation to that necrophiliac. 
[An identical character to Mr. Krabs walks in the elevator but with an NKC logo on his chest.]
NKC Krabs: Yo, what’s up, fuckers? 
Krabs: What the fuck?
[A similarly NKC-branded Squidward walks in.]
NKC Squidward: STOP THE STEAL! KRILLANON OR SOMETHING! 
Dutchman: I wish Jesus Sandal were here right now to stop this nonsense.
Producer: [offscreen] Sorry, man, only three people in the elevator at a time. Also, we can’t really afford celebrity cameos.
Dutchman: Bro, there’s literally four people in here–
[The Flying Dutchman vanishes in a puff of smoke.]
NKC Squidward: STOP THE STEAL! 
NKC Krabs: Bruh, shut the fuck up. won the election fair and square.
Krabs: Who the fuck is Snoop Dogg?
NKC Krabs: In our universe, Snoop Dogg is President.
NKC Squidward: In our universe, Mr. Krabs has sex with deceased bodies.
NKC Krabs: Slander.
[He is literally fucking the dead body of Atomic Flounder as they speak, though it is pixellated.]
Krabs: BRO?!
NKC Squidward: Our universe is… Very fucked up. 
NKC Krabs: Yeah, Locknloaded23 is a fucking maniac. We literally have no free will.
Krabs: Wow. Sounds like 1984.
NKC Krabs: Please help us. We hate the reality we live in. Lock won’t let us be happy. She insists that I fuck corpses.
Krabs: You’re still using me image and me character to fuck corpses! I can’t help you when the good Krabby name is being ravished by necrophilia! You’ve got to stop!
NKC Krabs: It’s too hard…
NKC Squidward: We can tell.
Krabs: Look, we can get ye into rehab. It’ll all be okay, Krabs, I know it will.
Producer: [offscreen, yawning] BOOOOO-riiiing! I need different characters. Get Lock on the phone.
[All the characters fucking explode and are replaced with shitty, crudely-drawn doodles of SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward, cut out from paper and placed onto the elevator by a human hand, which comes in to move the characters whenevery they speak or perform an action.]
Cutout SpongeBob: DAHAHAHAHAHAHA JELLYFISHING 
Cutout Squidward: I AM SQUIDWARD SEX FUCK 
Cutout Patrick: No homo, we slippin’ on semen!
[A second hand comes in and rips the Patrick cut-out in half.]
Cutout SpongeBob: Oh no! Patrick is dead!
Cutout Squidward: RIP bozo. Tesla Elon Musk .
Producer: [offscreen] I don’t like this either. Start over.
[The cut-out characters fucking explode as they are replaced by Squilliam, Gary, and for some reason, ’s father.]
Timmy’s Father: Dinkleberg…
Squilliam: Jazz music.
[Squilliam sticks a clarinet in his ass, to the dismay of Gary, who meows in disgust.]
Producer: [offscreen] No no, this sucks too. Another do-over.
[The characters fucking explode as they are replaced with claymation sculptures of Mr. Renaud, Sex Edward and Jew Wario.]
Clay Mr. Renaud: I was told this elevator led to the nearest elementary school.
Clay Jew Wario: How’s it goin’, m’lord? Still stalking the 11-year-olds?
Clay Mr. Renaud: Oh, you know it! My second-in-command Sex Edward is even helping with my missi– WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO SEX EDWARD?
[The hand from earlier is bashing the Clay Sex Edward and picking up clay pieces from his body, throwing them into the elevator.]
Producer: [offscreen] I HATE THIS ONE! ONE MORE TIME! And we’re sticking with this one.
[The characters fucking explode as they are replaced with , and .]
Saul Goodman: !
[Cut to the producer’s room.]
Producer: Wait, what? How did we get characters? I’ve never even watched this show!
Walter White: [offscreen] Jesse, we need to make meth.
Jesse Pinkman: [offscreen] Yo, bitch!
Saul Goodman: [offscreen, echoing] Better Call Saul!
Producer: Okay, I need to call Lock and ask what the hell she is doing.
Intern: Don’t worry, boss. I got it all under control. 
[Another intern picks up the phone.]
Intern 2: She’s smoking a big fat BLUNT?! I thought she was the one messing with the programme! She’s where? She’s not even in the credits?! 
Producer: Who is behind all of this then? If it’s not Lock, it must be…
[A light shines above the ceiling as it explodes, leaving only a shining heavenly light in place of a roof. The producer takes his sunglasses off and looks directly at it.]
Producer: Oh… my… God.
Holy Voice: Don’t use His name in vain.
[A hand comes down and slaps the producer to the ground.]
Holy Voice: It is I, Jesus Sandal, who has been messing with your vapid TV show.
Producer: But WHY?!
Holy Voice: It beats jacking off to porn.
[The entire room looks up, astonished and in complete silence, speechless at what they just heard.] 
Holy Voice: You heard me.
[The silence continues.]
Holy Voice: Okay, fine. It was porn.
[The entire room now understands, saying “Oh” simultaneously.]
Producer: That’s fine, then. So, Mr. Sandal, why must you ruin reality television? THREE’S A CROWD is such an important institution, and it hurts me to see it be mishandled… broken… DESTROYED in how you have done this past hour.
Holy Voice: I was bored, and wanted to ruin it before Lock did. That bitch is going STRAIGHT to Hell.
Producer: But why’s that? She contributed so much to the arts!
Holy Voice: She ruined NKC, my former favorite show. Who the fuck looked at the show and went, “Krabs needs to be a necrophile”?
Intern 2: I dunno, Jesus, it sounded like a good idea to me. I personally enjoyed that episode. It was more realistic and gripping than your average crime drama.
Holy Voice: Okay, you are also going to Hell. Now I must be off, I gotta kill that bitch today before she infects my other favorite show, Leader Plankton! Remade.
[The characters awkwardly stare at each other, before another employee comes rushing in the door.]
Rocky Lobster: I’m so sorry, guys, see, my Tesla Cybertruck crashed and–why is Jesus here?
[Rocky Lobster is zapped with lightning, and the screen fades to black before opening back up at a separate producer room, this time for Leader Plankton! Remade.]
Intern: Boss, I just got intel from the 3AC PR V1. Apparently it’s an F3 JS FBI SCOTUS LGBT situation.
Squidnerd: Stop speaking in code.
Intern: THREE’S A CROWD has just had Jesus Sandal come in and ruin the show. They say it’s a way of preventing Locknloaded23 from ruining the show.
Locknloaded23: I would NEVER!
[Lock is holding a laptop that is open on a Google Doc that is titled “mermaid cock and barnacle balls”, but she quickly switches tabs.]
Lock: Okay, I would. But why is Jesus Sandal after me? What have I done wrong?
[She takes a drag from a big fat blunt.]
Intern: They reckon you’ve ruined NKC.
Lock: WHAT?! I MADE THAT SHOW WHAT IT IS TODAY!
The Terrible Travis: Yeah, garbage. 
Squidnerd: Of course a long-hair liberal wouldn’t understand the art of necrophilia.
[An alarming buzzer rings loudly in the producer’s room before Squidnerd presses a red button to stop it.]
Squidnerd: That’s the Golfpecks256 Productivity Alarm. We’re not getting enough done! We need to be 100% productive at all times, 24/7! Let’s get to writing!
[Squidnerd and Travis both put glasses on, place stacks of paper on their desk and pick up pens, but after a deep breath, the two sigh and drop the pen.]
Travis: Eh, I can’t be bothered.
Squidnerd: Yeah, fuck this. Let’s argue about politics instead.
Lock: BERNIE SHOULD HAVE WON!
[Travis shoots a 100 emoji out of the palm of his hand and directs it towards Lock, before lightning strikes once again, demolishing parts of the producer room and replacing it with a Heavenly light.]
Holy Voice: I am here to save your spin-off.
DanzxvFan8275: Oh, boy.
Holy Voice: Your series, Leader Plankton! Remade, is an ideal sculpture of a spin-off. It is the greatest piece of writing, the best since Moby Dick, and deserves to be preserved in its original form for centuries. Lock will do her best to prevent this. She is a villain.
JustInCaseTheDingusRunsAway: [under its breath] And you are a senator.
Holy Voice: DO NOT QUOTE SHAKESPEARE AT ME!
[Jesus Sandal shoots lightning towards Dingus, shattering it into pieces.]
Holy Voice: You have no idea how much strife this cretin has put me through. I had to stop ALL the elevators in the world for this wonderful grand finale to THREE’S A CROWD! The production team was working non-stop to ensure that this was going to be the magnum opus of the SpongeBob Fanon Wiki! Yet not even Jesus is prepared for the maleficent vision of one Locknloaded23. She must be stopped!
[We zoom out to reveal that not only is no one in the producer room anymore, but that the room is in the middle of the cosmos, and we can now see Jesus Sandal’s face for the first time.]
Jesus Sandal: …I’m all-knowing, how the fuck didn’t I see that?
[Cut to Adam in an elevator. He has several buckets full of piss and shit surrounding him as he sits, unshaven, against the wall, on a call with the THREE’S A CROWD production team.]
Adam: So, let me get this straight: you took my idea, and used it for your show, but instead of - I don’t know - maybe just making prop elevators or at least outsourcing elevators, you made sure every single elevator in all of bloons broke down at the same time?
Producer: Well, of course. It’s reality TV - you’ve gotta make it as real as possible.
[An unpaid intern presses his glasses to his face and turns his finger at the Zoom call.]
Intern: Well, actually, we couldn’t do them all at the same time. It took around an hour to successfully convert all elevators in bloons to lockdown mode.
[A second intern, with her head on the table and three separate cups of coffee next to her, tips one of the boiling cups over her fellow intern’s lap… he burns to ashes.]
Adam: You couldn’t at least have given me royalties?! Or the resources to get the Hell out of here?! I have been shitting in a bucket for months!
Producer: That sounds like a skill issue to me, sir. Regardless, you could have collected your profits at any time. We have you credited as consulting producer for every episode.
Adam: I HAVE BEEN LOCKED IN AN ELEVATOR FOR MONTHS ON END! YOU TELL ME HOW I ACCESS ANY OF THOSE FUNDS, YOU [continuous dolphin chirp]!
[The dolphin chirping continues as the producer turns the Zoom call off and turns to his team.]
Producer: Welp, this may be our final days, lads. 
[He pops open a bottle of champagne.]
Producer: We’re creatively bankrupt, our interns hate each other, and divine intervention is coming to spread our legs wide open and throw a spike up our asses. We may as well enjoy our last days, right? I’ll tell my buddies, we can have a little going-home party.
[The producer sends a short text to an unknown person and within seconds, a man enters the door. The female members of the team hide under the tables and the men all stand up to salute. The figure appears at the door.]
Ken Stringfellow: I’m here, everypony. Now let’s reveal some love, shall we?
[We cut to SpongeBob in the hospital. Squidward, Sandy Cheeks and Patrick are sitting at his bedside as he is connected to a life support monitor. His heartbeat is getting to dangerously low paces. Patrick is sobbing in Sandy’s lap as she softly embraces his starfish head. Squidward, meanwhile, is separated from the two and trying not to show any emotion. Suddenly, the beeping that has soundtracked the tragic scene comes to a halt, and is replaced by a constant tone. There is a moment of silence as Squidward gulps. Mr. Krabs and the Flying Dutchman enter the room.]
Krabs: SHIVER ME TIMBERS! SPONGEBOB IS DEAD!
Dutchman: Well, it was bound to happen. I charge $30 a minute for funeral services, y’all.
[He lights a cigarette, yet his offer falls on deaf ears. All four of SpongeBob’s dear friends stare at SpongeBob, in complete astonishment.]
Squidward: It… it can’t be…
[Squidward stands up and tries to shake SpongeBob.]
Squidward: Come on, buddy! You’d get through this! You’d be fine! Come on, SpongeBob… F– F is for– friends who do stuff together. U is for… [between sobs] for you and me.
Squidward, Krabs, Patrick and Sandy: N is for anywhere and anytime at all… 
All: [in unison] Down here in the deep blue sea…
[Bubble transition to Adam, still disgruntled, in the elevator, and on the phone.]
Adam: Come on, Jew Wario, you gotta help me, man. I feel like after left. What do you mean, you never listened to Genesis? Oh, you like Phil Collins’ solo work? I’ll keep that in mind. Anyway, listen, I gotta get some help. You need to bust me out of this elevator.
[We see a split screen between Adam in the elevator and Jew Wario on the streets of bloons.]
Jew Wario: Man, I can’t get ya out! I knows I owes ya some money for all the help in getting my evil schemes to work, but it’s not like any good came out of it! They don’t even let me in the Goddamn synagogue, m’writer! I’m fed up with this world! Everybody’s betrayed me!
Adam: You’re onto something, actually, Mr. Jewish. So you’re telling me that your life is a living Hell?
Jew Wario: Yes, sir.
Adam: And that you think it would be better if you were never alive in the first place?
Jew Wario: Absolutely.
Adam: Fascinating. Thanks for the help, Jew Wario!
Jew Wario: Ay, hold on, what’d I do–
[Adam hangs up and we return to the full screen of Adam in the elevator. He picks his glasses up off the floor, dusts them off with a tissue and puts them on, before picking up some blank paper, sighing to himself, and taking a pen out of his pocket.]
Adam: Welp, I’ve killed before. 
[We hear SpongeBob’s signature laugh in the background.]
Adam: I still hear the voices.
[He starts writing before we zoom out to see that his elevator is also in the middle of the cosmos. Jesus Sandal arrives outside and shouts to Adam.]
Jesus Sandal: Hello? Are you Locknloaded23?
Adam: [startled] N-no, I’m Adam Walker. What do you want… Jesus?
Jesus Sandal: Well, I’m looking for that bitch so I can kill her and prevent her from ruining any spin-offs.
[Adam takes a long hard look at the piece of paper he is writing on and sighs again.]
Adam: I CAN help you but… three’s a crowd, isn’t it?
[An obnoxious laugh track plays, drowning out an entire speech from Jesus Sandal that we can’t hear over the canned giggling. Adam looks to the camera, smirking.]
Jesus Sandal: Oh, I give up!
[The laughter stops and Jesus Sandal flies to another elevator in the cosmos.]
Adam: Ah, the power of comedy. Now where was I?
[He continues writing as we cut to the party in the THREE’S A CROWD production room. “Wishing I Were Home” by plays amidst the fun, with several of the unpaid interns drinking wine, dancing with their significant others, or simply chatting. A group of bouncers are dragging Ken Stringfellow and his friend out of the room.]
Jon Auer: Hey, I did nothing wrong! It’s all Ken’s fault!
Ken Stringfellow: Don’t pin this on me, dear Jonathan. You were the one who introduced her to me.
Bouncer: Hey, creeps. I hope you two understand the consequences of your love in Hell.
[The bouncer kicks the two into the cosmos.]
Ken Stringfellow: [offscreen] There’s so much paaaiiin…
[We hear a twinkle as they presumably die. The crew continues partying before something shakes the entire room, stopping the music - as well as the entire crew in their tracks. Murmurs start.]
Producer: What’s going on?
[We zoom out to reveal Jesus Sandal below the room.]
Jesus Sandal: YOU MUST BE HIDING HER! SHE MUST BE HERE!
Intern: For the last time, Jesus, we don’t know where Lock is.
Jesus Sandal: Oh, for my sake, you’re all useless. 
[Jesus Sandal encapsulates the entire room in an electric field and makes the corners close in on the room, causing it to explode.]
Jesus Sandal: I’ve got to take matters into my own holy hands.
[Jesus Sandal yells from across the cosmos.]
Jesus Sandal: MR. WALKER!
Adam: [offscreen] Yes, my Lord?
Jesus Sandal: Pen, please!
[A pen travels magnetically into Jesus Sandal’s hand, and he puts to a piece of a paper which he seemingly manifested out of nowhere. We then fade into a shittily-made episode of THREE’S A CROWD, which starts with a white piece of paper with black marker pen that says “3 is a Crowd FR (by me, Jesus)”, before unveiling who is in the elevator that week. The elevator, obviously a badly glued-together set piece, is home to , and CrazySponge - whose bruised head is covered by a Box Productions-branded bandage.]
Peter Griffin: [signature chuckle] We’re really reusing characters, now? Friggin’ sweet, Scooby.
[Scooby-Doo stoically smokes a cigar in the corner.]
Scooby-Doo: I want rothing to roo with ris.
Peter Griffin: Lighten up, Scooby! You’re starting to remind me of .
[Cutaway gag; we see the Griffins' house, where Brian is pissing on the floor.]
Peter Griffin: It’s funny because he’s a dog.
Brian: I am pissing on the floor as I am a dog.
[Jesus Sandal rewinds and cuts back to the elevator scene, as if the cutaway gag never happened.]
Peter Griffin: Lighten up, Scooby! You’re starting to remind me of Brian.
CrazySponge: Man, if I had a nickel for every time I was stuck in a broken elevator with two people I didn’t know, I’d have two nickels. That, admittedly, is not a lot, but it sure is peculiar that it happened twice.
Peter Griffin: Shut up, !
CrazySponge: That’s a hot name.
Scooby-Doo: Ruh roh…
[An obnoxious laugh track plays.]
Peter Griffin: Well, um… I guess we’re gonna be here a while. Anyone got any ideas on what we could do?
Scooby-Doo: Rate on riberals, ror real!
CrazySponge: Amen.
Peter Griffin: So what’s with those snowflakes on , am I right? “Respect my pronouns”? What do you think I am, an English teacher? [signature chuckle]
[Radio silence as not even Jesus Sandal finds this funny.]
Peter Griffin: Sorry… I’m not too good with this far-right stuff. But see there was this other guy I was trapped in this one time, and he was as far-right as they come!
Scooby-Doo: Rullshit! Robody is ras ronservative as re!
Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, wise guy? Prove it!
[Divine intervention.]
Jesus Sandal: NOPE! NO! We stop there! We can’t get cancelled on Twitter dot com!
CrazySponge: Oh, hi God. I don’t believe in you.
[Scooby-Doo brings out a magnifying glass.]
Scooby-Doo: Sorry, I was just rooking for who the ruck asked.
Peter Griffin: [signature chuckle] Yeah, screw you, CrazySponge! And Praise Jesus!
Scooby-Doo and Jesus Sandal: Amen.
CrazySponge: …What? You’re telling me you’re all Jesus freaks?
Scooby-Doo: Ri’m actually rore of a Rudaist rif I rust say so ryself.
CrazySponge: Can he speak English? Are you gonna add subtitles in post or something? I can’t understand a word this guy says.
Scooby-Doo: Ruh roh, racism!
Jesus Sandal: Listen, guys. We need to work together on this! If we want to revive THREE’S A CROWD, we need to collaborate.
Peter Griffin: Alright, wise guy, if you’re so magical then can’t you just open this elevator? The broken elevator crap was funny the first time or so, but I need a little bit of fresh air in my life, y’know?
Scooby-Doo: Resh air? Rhere’s ricrochips in rhe air rolecules! planted rhem there, for real.
Jesus Sandal: …Okay, first off: where did you come from? I hired , and I got his dog. Can’t you, like, sit down and do a trick or something like a normal dog?
Scooby-Doo: Rill rourrelf. 
Jesus Sandal: Secondly, Peter. We’re not even in a broken elevator.
[We zoom out to see that the elevator set is a crudely-constructed wooden set in the middle of the cosmos.]
Peter Griffin: Well so much for the fresh air.
Jesus Sandal: And thirdly, CrazySponge, I had to get my hitmen to pump you full of lead for you to even come here. I at least expect a little bit of decency towards your co-stars and the crew.
CrazySponge: WHAT CREW? You have fatass, Jesus and a dog! 
Scooby-Doo: [clears throat] A ralking dog, I’ll rave you know. 
CrazySponge: Yeah, with a speech impediment.
Scooby-Doo: Rableist.
CrazySponge: Fuck it, I’m rableist! I hate rables! Rables are inferior to me.
[Outside of the set, a group of blue creatures called rables are eavesdropping.]
Rable 1: Can you believe he just said that?
Rable 2: Just because we’re not human does not make us any less human! I think we need to give him a piece of our mind.
Rable 3: RUH ROH!
[We cut back to the set, wherein Jesus Sandal is taking a phone call.]
Jesus Sandal: Yello? [pause] Yes, I have the racist dog. You want him back? We’ve only had five minutes of filming! [mockingly] “Oh, we have mysteries to solve!” Get fucked, !
[Jesus Sandal hangs up and turns around to his set, before realising that everyone had vanished.]
Jesus Sandal: Now where the fuck did those sla– actors go?
[Cut to the same desert where CrazySponge was back in “A-Level Politics” (episode of the year fr) where the three are walking, deprived of food and water. We can tell because not only are they sweating, with CrazySponge even turning purple, but there is a massive subtitle that reads “PRODUCER’S NOTE: THEY ARE DEPRIVED OF FOOD AND WATER”.]
Peter Griffin: [hoarsely] Man, I sure am deprived of food and water.
Scooby-Doo: Rooby Rooby Roo…
CrazySponge: Great, the dog’s speaking in tongues again.
[The three pause as CrazySponge starts to slap Scooby in the face to wake him up. As CrazySponge does this, a looming terror starts to shadow him.]
Peter Griffin: Uh… Mr. Sponge… I think someone wants to talk to you.
[CrazySponge turns around and faces a massive blue creature not unlike an anteater. It’s the rable.]
Scooby-Doo: Row you've done it! Rood thing I racked my "ranti-Rable runderwear".
[Scooby-Doo inexplicably manifests a pair of underwear and places it over CrazySponge’s head.]
Peter Griffin: Oh, thanks, Brian, now we’re all safe!
[Scooby turns around furiously and stares intently and Peter.]
Scooby-Doo: Ri’m. Rot. Rian.
[Scooby pounces at Peter and the two engage in a comedic dust-cloud fight whilst the rable picks CrazySponge up in its hoof.]
CrazySponge: Well, hello there. Would you like to work for Box Productions Inc.?
[The rable opens its wide, gaping mouth and tries to swallow CrazySponge, but just before he ends up in the rable’s mouth, divine intervention occurs.]
Jesus Sandal: [swooping in] It is I, Jesus Sandal! Here to save you all from scandal! Now for the rest of time, we shall all speak in rhythm and rhyme!
[Jesus Sandal sprinkles magic fairy dust on the rable, making it sneeze, blowing CrazySponge out of its hand and breezing him into the comical dust fight, breaking it up.]
CrazySponge: Jiminy crickets! Jesus Sandal, you saved me too? Even though I didn't believe in you?
Jesus Sandal: Oh, CrazySponge, I’d do many a favour for someone who gives me unpaid labour!
Scooby-Doo: Raybe the Rible rells the ruth, Jesus Sandal roves us too!
Peter Griffin: Can we all stop talking like ?
[There is a pause.]
Peter Griffin: …Oh, right, a rhyme. Uh, [dolphin chirp].
[CrazySponge, Scooby-Doo, Jesus Sandal and the rable all start to complain at the same time.]
CrazySponge: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa…
Jesus Sandal: That’s too far even for me…
Rable 3: What the hell is wrong with you, man?
Scooby-Doo: Ri ron’t know, he’s rot a point.
[CrazySponge, Jesus Sandal and the rable stare at Scooby-Doo and Peter, who then stare at each other. After some awkward pauses, the two start making out intensely.]
Jesus Sandal: I don’t like this, not one bit! I didn’t put this in the script!
CrazySponge: I thought the dog was Jewish, how does he agree with Peter?
Jesus Sandal: I think he’s a Buddhist, actually. 
[Once again, the episode rewinds to the elevator scene wherein Scooby states his religion, yet him saying that he’s Jewish is replaced with an unfitting text to speech voice that says otherwise.]
Scooby-Doo: Ri’m actually rore of a [FOLLOWER OF THE BUDDHIST FAITH] rif I rust say so ryself.
Jesus Sandal: My script is being pissed, shat and stepped on! I did not order this devilish retcon! Who could it be that’s messing with my script? [pause] Oh, I think I know… and I hate that bitch.
[Zoom out to the cosmos, wherein Locknloaded23 is standing on the elevator smoking a big fat blunt.]
Locknloaded23: ‘Sup?
[A record scratch is heard. CrazySponge is heard off-screen.]
CrazySponge: Woah, woah, hold the damn phone. Aren't there three of them? Laffy, Ally, and Yvonne?
Locknloaded23: Dead. Killed ‘em all. Epic fail on their part. Isn’t that right, Laffy?
Laffy: Yup!
Ally: Sure is!
Yvonne: Absolutely. 
[An obnoxious laugh track plays and Jesus Sandal, who is suddenly animated really stiffly, has his eyes pop out of his head in shock. A vintage music cue plays.]
Jesus Sandal: Why, I oughta–
[Jesus Sandal starts chasing the four versions of Lock across the cosmos as Scooby-Doo chase music plays, however the same animation of Jesus Sandal flying after the four Locks is reused constantly until the film starts to deteriorate. A test card then shows up on screen.]
BBC Announcer: SBFW: THREE'S A CROWD is experiencing some technical difficulties. We will be back after these messages.
[An advertisement starring starts playing.]
Ray William Johnson: What’s happenin’, forum?
[We zoom out to the elevator that Adam has been in the whole episode, where Jesus Sandal is showing him the episode on a TV. The advert continues in the background but can barely be heard.]
Jesus Sandal: So, what do we think, huh? Pretty good, right?
Adam: [nervously laughs] Yeah, sure. Listen, I think with a couple minutes, I could make this a really good episode. I’m talking Square Logo Award winner.
Jesus Sandal: …Is it not good enough?
Adam: No, no, it’s good, it just needs a little tweaking. Give me that.
[Adam snatches the script off of Jesus Sandal, opens his pen and starts writing. He writes only a couple sentences before putting the pen down.]
Adam: Your main problem is that this script was written by a and a cat.
Jesus Sandal: Oh, ho, ho, no! Patented Jesus Sandal script! Old family literature.
Adam: And you call this literature despite the fact that it’s obviously a storyboard?
Jesus Sandal: [stammering] Excuse me for one second.
[Jesus Sandal reaches for his pockets, finds a fucking shotgun and flies out into the cosmos with the trigger aimed at his head. We hear a gunshot offscreen.]
Adam: Welp, with him gone, I guess I can make this actually tolerable. Or, you know, I could just write another installment in the Christmas vore trilogy.
[Adam contemplates for a second before once again putting pen to paper. He writes, once again, a single sentence, and puts the pen down.]
Adam: Stroke of genius, Adam! You’re really the best there is.
[We then cut abruptly to the city of in a state of disaster. is on the prowl, surrounded by the destruction he has wrought onto the city. Families are crying as they are separated by rifts in the ground created by Bigfoot’s big feet causing shockwaves to pummel through cement. Police and fire rescue teams have already given up, as we see emergency response teams chilling on a roof eating burgers before Bigfoot smashes his fist into said roof, killing them all. Inside of a tower that has not yet been trampled by Bigfoot is Jew Wario, chuckling to himself as he observes the chaos that is unfurling.]
Jew Wario: All going exactly to plan. Delightfully devilish, Jew Wario.
[He strays his eyes away for only a second to check his watch before his glare once again hits the tower’s window. Shocked, he takes a step back as what had been his window to the world is replaced with a black void.]
Jew Wario: Wha–...? What’s happening?
[A face, details obscured by the void, but glaring with its light grey sparkle just enough to allow some light into the tower. The face is laser-focused on Jew Wario, who is still dismissive and hesitant.]
Jew Wario: Ph–... Phil Collins? Since when did you become a God? 
[Jew Wario smirks, but Collins starts singing, his echoed voice coating the walls of the tower with a melodious sneer, eerie enough to send Jew Wario to the floor in astonishment.]
Phil Collins: Well, if you told me you were drowning… I would not lend a hand.
[Jew Wario starts panting slightly, itching his ear nervously.]
Phil Collins: I’ve seen your face before, my friend, but I don’t know if you know who I am…
[Jew Wario continues to back up before an invisible hand picks him up by the shirt collar, pushing his hat off his head.]
Phil Collins: Well, I was there and I saw what you did. I saw it with my own two eyes… So you can wipe off that grin! I know where you’ve been! It’s all been a pack of lies!
[As Collins yells that line, smoke arises from the bottom of the tower and thunder can be crackling faintly in the distance. Jew Wario, sweating profusely, starts harmonising with Collins in between gasped breaths.]
Phil Collins and Jew Wario: And I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh, Lord… Well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh, Lord… I can feel it coming in the air tonight, oh, Lord… And I've been waiting for this moment for all my life, oh, Lord, oh, Lord…
[Thunder strikes the loudest so far, creating a menacing cacophony of Jew Wario’s breaths, the dwindling robotic percussion and distorted guitar squeals, as the formerly monochrome scene has some life breathed into it by a sudden strike of lightning corresponding with the next line, sang through a vocoder.]
Phil Collins: Well, I REMEMBER!
[As this is sung, the invisible hand lets go of Jew Wario, thrusting him to the floor as a flash of pink, staticy lights obscures our view of the scene, making it even less clear what the hell is happening to Jew Wario. The stunned Jew Wario scratches his head as Collins continues to sing ominously, striking fear into Jew Wario.]
Phil Collins: I remember, don’t worry! How could I ever forget?
[The face nears closer, the details becoming even less clear thanks to the sharp glare.]
Phil Collins: It’s the first time, the last time we ever met… 
Jew Wario: Please… don’t hurt me, Phil Collins.
[Jew Wario crawls backwards into the corner but it doesn’t prevent the now glitched face from continuing his psychological torture out in song.]
Phil Collins: But I know the reason why you keep your silence up… No, you don’t fool me! Well, the hurt doesn’t show, but the pain still grows. It’s no stranger to you and me!
[We see one last close-up of Jew Wario’s petrified face before the iconic drum fill plays amidst several different angles of the tower’s upper floor before there is an abrupt cut on the last drum hit to outside the tower, being demolished by Bigfoot with one fell swoop. The remains of Rio are in full display, with people evacuating, being blocked by police and emergency response teams attempting to spray down the burning buildings to no real avail, sending stray bullets in case of an attack or if it manages to hit Bigfoot, and people are screaming in their houses as they get picked up off of the ground by the rogue Bigfoot and smashed into other houses, leaving people dropping like fish into the bucket of violence resulting from Bigfoot’s rampage… yet you can’t hear any of it. “In the Air Tonight” continues to play over the silenced footage, proving more unsettling than all. We pan back to the upper floor of the tower, now demolished. Sitting in the rubble is a bruised Jew Wario, coughing up a mixture of shrapnel and blood. He sputters, barely able to remove himself from the brick that has covered his entire body from the torso down. His hands, wound stricken, with blood trickling from his fingernail, and tears, barely able to drip from his eye with all the pain, run down onto his cheek and into the muddy sludge that the former great city had been reduced to. He struggles to turn his head and watch as Bigfoot continues to run wreckage, but as soon as he is able to, a foot and a large pixellation appear in front of his face. Jew Wario sighs exasperatedly and looks up, as we cut to his perspective. Whilst mostly obscured, with every movement of his face a great pain, we are able to pick out a character from the vision. His orange face and massive, pixellated cock is the last thing we see.]
Phil Collins: Well, I’ve been waiting for this moment for all my life! Oh, Lord!
[Conner Malarky.]
...
[The screen flashes to pure white, as the music stops. After a few brief moments of pure white, we fade into a dimmed room, with the only real light coming from a television screen, from which you can hear a faint political news report. On the sofa sits an individual in what appears to either be a fursuit or just animal pajamas. They are eating vanilla ice cream with massive purple bags under their eyes, gulping a spoon full before exclaiming:]
Jess: God, I FUCKING love !
[The story ends, but the cycle does not.]
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