Brighouse & Rastrick Gazette. — 1888-07-28 (Brighouse, West Yorkshire, England)

AURORA. CUTTINGS F.ttobl THE COMICS."  (From Punch.) VERT SMALL BEER.—Conybeare. THE "SWEETS" WIMBLEDON.—BuIIs'-eyee. THE GOVERNMENT WORKSHOP.—" The Smithy." Tftiii CROPS AND CURRENT LITERATURE.—Bad weather for all the Cereal.  PLUVIAL.—" The phenomenal wetness of the season is really becoming grave," says an agricultural organ. Grave? Yes, the " watery grave "—both of business and pleasure.  NEAR THE MARK.—Gen. Von Moltke (to H.R.H. "the Doc,k.") : " Ach ! Vimpleton ! Richmont ! Donnervetter ! py Chorch ! If I hat a zo villing zoltier ala dat, zoon him voot I viz a achoodingcround provite."  AT a recent meeting the Archbishop of Canterbury observed that he hoped the Church-house would soon be launched. So it is to be a house-boat, after all. In smooth water, let us hope, and in communication with the nearest bank. HARD NAmes.—What a very simple-minded chairman Lord Maglieramorne seems to be ! What a title it is! "Give a dog a had name," &c., &c. ; but give a Hogg a name most difficult for the Saxon to pronounce properly, and roast him when you catch him. Perhaps the nearest thing to "a Pig in a poke" is "a Hogg in a witness-box." OUR VILLAGE INDUSTRIAL COMPETITION. —Husband (just home from the City) : "My angel !—crying ! whatever's the matter ?' —Wife : "They've—awarded me—prize medal "—(sobbing)—" f' my sponge cake !" —Husband (soothingly) : "And I'm quite sure it deserv--"—Wife (hysterically) : " Oh—but—'t said —'twas—for the best specimen—o' concrete !"  THE UMBRELLA AT THE OPERA. Asps Bousfield to Harris, "I must keep my gingham." Says Harris to Bousfield, " To stalls you can't bring 'em." To Bousfield (v. Harris), says Bayley, the judge, "You'll pay all the costs, and the action is fudg.. When the Op'ra you visit—by this you'll abide— If you.stick to your gingham, you must stick—outside."  (From Fun.) A " TIMES " SERVER.—Mr. O'Donnell.  Mon Eel."( ix a virtue to be admired, but it should not lead us to self-depreciation. If we were contemplating suicide, we should not make away with ourselves with vermin killer.  PROFESSIONAL PRlDE.—Doctor's Boy : " My governor's cleverer than yourn. 'An f his medicines is pison if they ain't properly mixed."—Butcher's Boy: " Garn ! We makes sossiges I"  HE GOT CRUSTY, Too.—Host : "Now, this port, my boy, is genuine '47."—Guest: "'47, eh ? Let's see, 475. the dozen-3s. 11d, the bottle. Well, we pay 3s. Gd. ; but I must own this drinks a little better." IT is a curious fact that, although the women and girls recently on strike from Messrs. 13ryant and May's factory have helped to make good matches, only a very small percentage of the number are themselves married.  HUNGRY HUSBAND (just home from business): "How is it, my dear, you have flavoured the stew so much? It quite burns my tbrost.."—Young Wife (who isn't eating any) : "Why, dear, the meat wasn't quite sweet, so I thought it better to make it tasty." [Husband proposes an adjournment.] DRIVER (to quiet stranger on suburban road) : "Hi ! mister, jest hold that there horse's head for a minute while I get down, will yer ? "—Stranger (nervously): " Wh. wh-which one? "—Driver: "Why, the off 'un to be sure."—Stranger : "My good man, I am totally unacquainted with horses, and it is (pits impossible for me to tell which of your animals is an orphan."  Misraxss (to new domestic from the Sister Isle) : "Have you boiled the tea-kettle, Bridget?"— Bridget (with evident symptoms of astonishment) : "Sure and I haven't, mum. —Mistress : "Please do. so at once, then."—Bridget: "And plaze, mum, where will I bind a pot large enough to hould the kittle ? "—[Mistress is more careful of her colloquialisms in future.] 

Article type: NotIncident