The Warwickshire Herald. — 1892-02-04 (Birmingham, West Midlands, England)

LESSON IN SPELLING. If an 9 and an I and an 0 and a H. With an X at the end, spell SU, And an E and a Y and an E spell I, Pray, what is a speller to do? Then, if also an 8 and an I and a 0, And an H E spf II tide, There's nothing much left for a speller to de But to go and commit siouxeyesighed,  "As for me, I hope to be cremated." I made that remark, observes Mark Twain, to my pastor, who said, with what he seemed to think was impressive manner, "I wouldn't worry about that if I had your chances." Mrs. Squabble: "You're • perfect brute! I actually believe you married me simply because of my money." Mr. Squabble: "Well, my dear, you'd hardly expect a man to take such an important step without some reason." •  "'My dear," said Rattler, at the tea-table, looking up Iron) his evening paper, "this China trouble looks serious." "Yes," answered Mrs. R. "Bridget broke the handle of the sugar-bowl, but I didn't think you would notice it so soon." - -•— •  A terrible catastrophe. —Ed itor : "Horror ol horrors! The people will soon drift back into ignorance and the blackness of darkness!" Printer: "For heaven's sake what's the matter now?" Editer: "I have lost my scissors."  "Doctor," said a lad; to her physician, "don't you think the small bonnets the ladies wear nowadays have a tendency to produce congestion of the cram ?" "No, madam. When you see one of those bonnets there is no brain to congest." For the love of heaven, Amanda," said the. Rev. Dr. Fourthly, calling to his wife in tones of thunder, "come and take this squalling baby out of the room before she drives me crazy! I'm writing a sermon on 'Bearing one another's burdens' !" "Remember, James," said the sorrowing parent to the family scapegrace, "if you spend your money in drink you will never get ahead." "Hut, father," responded the unpenitent prodigal, "I was out with the ooys last night, and gee•whiz! but I've got a head to-day!" - "  Little Cohen: "Pass der vinegar, mother." Mrs. Cohen: "You mustn't take so much vinegar, Mosey. Dot vas bad for your constitution." Mr. Cohen: "Let him hat all he vants, Leah. If yos stunt his growth he can ride on der railway all his life at half-price." - • • - • •  A parish Clerk was taxed with having misappropriated some of the offertory money. "You know, John," mid the parson, that only you and I have access to it." Then, sir," replied John, "you pay the one half and I'll pay the tither, and we'll say no more about it!" • - --•-• -••  Professor Hardhead : "I am surprised,Miss Giddies. to find that you play chess." Miss Giddie (making a move): "Why so, Mr. Hardhead 1" "You said you never indulged in games of chance." "Why, Mr. Hardhead, do you coosider ch•ss a game of chance?" "It is, as you plsy it"  • LOVER'S TRYST Come into the garden, Maud; I am waiting here alone, And my heart grows warm for your presence, love, Though my feet are cold as stone— For the dews are chill to-night, And the breezes sharp and bleak 06, come, with the clasp of your warm soft bun And the touch of your glowing cheek! Sh• is coming! My heart beats high As I hasten my love to greet. Ste is coming! My pulses start and thrill At the sound of her fairy feet. She has stepped on the gravelled walk, And I hear the gate ajar; Fly, fly to your lover's arms, my own! Jerusalem, 'tis her pa! . .  An old bachelor said: "There's more jewellery worn nowadays than when I was young; but there's one piece that I always admired which I seldom see now." "What is that ?" asked a young lady. -A silver thimble," was the reply. He was regarded with contempt and scorn by every lady in the room for the rest of the evening. "John," said a loving wife, "I wish you would sing two or three lines of a song for me." "What on earth do you want me to do that for?" "There is something I want you to bring bome,and I've forgotten what it is, but I think remember if you sing." The goodnatured husband complied, and the charming wife said: "I remember now. Its • file I want.  First officer! "That was a very mystedous case of suicide last night, wasn't it ? He was young, well dressed, and apparently well-to-do. Not a bit like the ordinary suicide." Second officer: "I don't see that there was anything very mysterious about it. It struck me that it was a very ordin.iry cage." "But there was nothing found on him to indicate any cause for the deed." "Oh, yes, there was." 'What was it?" "His marriage certificate." - •  A party of commercial traVellers on the road were boasting about the magnitude of the houses they represented, when one, who was the last to speak, said: -Gentlemen, I wouldn't like to tell you anything about the size of our premises, or the stock we carry, Of the number of people we employ, because you might think I was exaggerating. But when we took stock of our employna last week we found that six cashiers and three bookkeepers had absconded three months before. and had never been misaed!" • 151111150