The Warwickshire Herald. — 1899-02-23 (Birmingham, West Midlands, England)

BRADFORD WOOL, MONDAY.—Business is limited here to-day. Spinners are not forced to come into the market, and they are not disposed to purchase at the rates demanded until they see a prospect of securing more money for yarns. Transactions are mostly in merinocs, which are firm, but lower crossbreds and home-grown wools are not in so good a position. Mohair is slow, but steady in value. Yarns and pieces unchanged.  How are you getting along with your mod?" "Well, of course, it wouldn't be proper for me to compliment myself, but some of Limo neighbours hare told me that they have stayed awake at night fur hours listening to my playing."  _ _ Fond Mamma : "You have always been a good boy at school, hut I hear that to-day you were so bad that the teacher kept you in." Little Boy : "No use being good to-day, 'cause in new shoes were so tight, I couldn't play if I went out."  Five shillings, please," said the clairvoyant. "No, indeed," he replied; "I'll not pay you a penny." "Do you think I reveal the future for nothing?" "I don't care anything about that. You told me I was to marry three times, and I don't propose to go paying for that kind of news."  Did he threaten to coiniiiit suicide when she said it could never be? Well, hardly. He got up, brushed the dust from the knees of his trousers witha silk handkerchief, and said :"I feel that you have made a rich man of me." "Made a rich man of you ? " she exclaimed. "How ?" " I shall never marry, he replied.  Young Wife: "I am determined to learn at what hour my husband comes home at nights; vet, do what I will, I cannot keep awake, and he is always careful not to make a particle of noise. Is there any drug which produces wakefulness?" Old %Vito: "No need to buy drugs. Sprinkle the floor with tacks."  "What on earth," said a gentleman to his son, "are you doing up there, Johonny, sitting on the horse's back with a pencil and paper, when you ought to be at school ? " "Teacher said I was to write a composition on a horse," said the boy. "and I'm trying to; huts it's awful dircult, 'cos he will keep moving so. I s'pose that's why teacher gave it to us to do, ain't it?" Inspector of Village School (questioning class): "Now, my boy, what is an island ? " Pupil (dejectedly): "I dunno, sir." Inspector: "Well, for instance, could I ride from here to France?" Pupil (brightening up): "Noa, sir, that yer couldn't ; for feyther saw you 'on hogs back l'other day, an' sed as how he'd lay a shilling yer couldn't roide a moile without awobbling off."  "Who was that young man who stood out at the front gate so long last night?" asked kfabel's father "That was Herbert," she replied, as she wiped the corner of her eye. "He came to say goodbye for ever." "Hump! I thought he must have 80Ille such ambition, and it's a good thing I slammed the shutters. Ho said goodbye for two hours and a quarter, as it was."  "Dear old Tom, he is so considerate, and so thoughtful of my happiness," confided Mrs. ficorehmost to her dearest friend. " What has he done now ?" queried the one confided in. "Doubled his accident policy, and now I don't have to worry the least bit when he goes out every night and scorches over those miserable roads rouna here, refusing to use either a brake or a lamp on that new £6. machine he rides."  The young man had gone into a shop to buy a pen. The girl in charge of the pen showcase bad supplied him with a sheet of paper, a bottle of ink, and several of the pens, and in trying them one after another he covered the sheet of paper with the words " Teinpus fugit," the girl looking on with a kindly interest. "If you buy one, and it doesn't suit you, Mr. Fugit," she remarked, "you can bring it back and I'll change it."  A high army officer, whose fad was ventilation, was one day making an inspection 6f a frontier post which was very much in need Of repair. In seine places the roof showed the blue sky overhead, and the walls were ornamented with gaps. The Brigadier-General was escorted through the building by the Colonel in charge, a sergeant going on before, as is the custom, to warn the men to stand at attention in honour of the General. As they proceeded the General asked: "And how is the ventilation, colonel?" Before the Colonel could reply, the old Sergeant, with a familiarity horn of long service, said : "Sure, general, an' the ventilation is bad, sorr, Terra bad, sorr. The place is all full of holes, sorr."