Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1865-09-22 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

WIT AND HUMOUR.  A Formidable Animal.—The battering-ram. A Mortal Coil—that of a rattle-snake. A very good book is much read, but a lobster is often much redder. What beams often fall on ,men's heads without hurting them P—Sunbeams. The Northern Ocean may be designated by the letters L S.—the place of the seal. Why talk about not sleeping a wink when people in their sleep never wink? Emerson says that the hours are intangible.' And yet every clock strikes them. Do professors of logic usually give lectures on their own premises? Many gingers are brave enough to plunge recklessly into the Deep, Deep Sea.' Preachers profess to teach people how to live. Culprits on the scaffold would like to learn. A woman may speak as many tongues as she will, but don't let her do it with too long a one of her own. Men are seldom full of their subject, except when they are talking of themselves. It has been decided lately that a boy found on a man's door-step may not necessarily be his step-son. How do you know that time is money P—Because it is so easy to spend an evening. What French author would it be inexpedient for a c•-iok to study ?—Boileau, as it might lead to a boil over.  .n domestic feuds, 6my dear' sometimes means my  tonne utor. '  What is that which is so brittle that if you name it you are sure to break it ?—Silence. 'Of what gender is Susan ?' asked a teacher. Susan is of the crinoline gender,' was the quick reply. An Irish gentleman, at cards, having, on inspection, found the pool deficient, exclaimed, Here's a shilling short; who put it in?'  A youth, with a turn for figures, had five eggs to boil, and being told to give them three minutes each, boiled them a quarter of an hour altogether.  Emigration for Spinsters.—Where should they go, bless 'em 9—Why, to Ceylon, of course, where the inhabitants are all single he's (Cingalese).  _ Why are suicides the most successful people in the world ?—Because they always accomplish their own ends.  Why are lawyers and doctors safe people by whom to take example ?—Because they always practise their professions. ---- • • •  Why is the punishment of the birch practised by some pedagogues ?—Because they are of opinion that it makes dull boys smart.  There is a -yard in our city containing a dozen ugly dogs that bark all night. The owner of such a bark mill should be punished.  A clergyman should be plain in dress and manners. If a man has much that is surplus about him, it shouldn't he increased by a surplice. A man in a street car in St. Louis had his boots torn off by lightning. We shouldn't have wondered to hear, iu addition, that it 'shined 'em' also. St. Cecilia, by her music, drew an angel down from heaven. Some of our professors scare away the  Don't be a miner if you can be anything else. There will be time enough to stay underground after you are dead.  Don't board at a house where they give you only cold victuals. It isn't thought healthy to be upon a cooling board.  At a trial recently, the jury returned the following verdict : Guilty, with some little doubt as to whether he is the man.'  If wishes were horses. beggars might ride,' is an old proverb. But we guess Rarey would have to tame them a good deal to prevent neck-breaking. A Western editor must be in a bad fix. Having dunned a subscriber for his subscription, he not only refused to pay, but threatened to flog the editor if he stopped the paper. An enterprising quack has contrived to extract from sausages a powerful tonic, which he says contains the whole of the original bark; he calls it the sulphate of canine.'  An old bachelor gives the following as a toast :  ladies, the only endurable aristocracy, who rule without laws, judge without jury, decide without appeal, and are never in the wrong.' 'Please, sir,' said a child to a guest, who lives next door to you ?'—‘ Why, my little dear, do you ask?' said the guest. 'Because mamma said you were next door to a brute,' replied the child. Fine Writing.— Vermont Chronicle, a religious paper, thus compliments a brother editor :—‘ Mr Noble is a gentleman of large gifts, young and beautiful as a maiden's dream of man redeemed.'  The Advantage of Long Hain—. No one would take you for wild you are,' said an old-fashioned gentleman to a dandy who had more hair than brains. ' Why?' was immediately asked. • Because they cannot see your ears.'  A Touching Request —A writer, describing one of the engagements in the late American war, gives the following interesting item :—ln this battle we loot the brave Captain Smith. A cannon ball took off his head. Ills last words were, ' Bury me on the spot where I fell.'  Stage-Struck. An awkward-looking stage-struck hosier went to see one of the New Orleans theatrical managers some time since, and solicited an engagement. What rule would you prefer, my friend?' asked the manager, " Wel, squire, said the would-be Western Roscius, I ain't partial to rolls, nohow; corn-dodgers is toy favourite.' _ _ _  Distance against .Time.-7` Gentleman,' said an old  Yorkshire horse-dealer, as he exammed the points of a horse. I don't see but one reason why that mare can't trot her mile in three minutes.' Everybody gathered round to hear this oracular opinion; and one inquired What is it ?' • Why,' replied the old gentleman, the distance is too great for so short a time.' A certain attache of the Treasury Department in Washington, who is well known as an inveterate toper, on being asked by a jocular friend what he did for a living, replied, I suck a bottle part of the time, and the United States Treasury the rest.' An old Scotchwooian having been asked her opinion as to the new minister,' said he was a particularly powerful preacher He had via' been in th' place a week before he kicket th' pu'pit a' to pieces, and banged the in'ards out o' sax Bibles.' A Frenchman, soliciting relief of a lady, said gravely to his fair hearer, Madame, I nevaire beg, but dat I have von vile vid several small family dat is growing very large, and nossing to make dere bread out of but de perspiration of my own eyebrow.' A wife who often stormed at her husband, was sitting with him at the breakfast table, when suddenly, amid loud coughing, Dear me!' she exclaimed, 'a bit of kpper has got into my windpipe !' —* Hurricane pipe, you mean, my dear,' coolly rejoined her sarcastic spouse.