The Kenilworth Advertiser. — 1894-08-25 (Kenilworth, Warwickshire, England)

OTHILRWISE.  He (passionately): "Yeu are my life. She (practically): "Have you got it insured P" McSwatters wants to know if, when a Immo tosses her head, and dins her arms, she intends throwing herself away. Johnson: "You are drinking too hard. Yaw nose is as red as a boot," "But that comes from a week's fishing trip." 'That merely confirms what I said at first." Primus: "And the congregation voted down Dobson's motion to give the pastor a month's rest!" Secundus : "Yes. Dobson said of course he meant _ __  a month of Sundaya." Modern matrimony. —Mother (insistently): "But why don't you marry him P" Daughter: "Because don't love him." Mother: "What difference does that make He's rich!"  • ----• "Did you get on the inside OD the little stock deal you were working up a few days ago P " "Did I ? When a lamb meets a lot of bears he usually gets on the inside, doesn't he P" "That's very strange about those chickens of mine." "What's the matter with them?" "Why, ever since your dog chased them all over the garden they have been laying nothing but scrambled eggs." Old gentleman (to little boy, who is playing soldiers): "Ah, my little man, you're a son of Mars, eh ? " Little boy ( indignantly 1: "Course I'm a son Didn't suppose I was a son of auntie's,  did yer ?" Trouble in the menagerie.—" You're an all-around tough," said the baboon to the rhinoceros. "But I've got one good point," replied the rhinoceros, tossing the impudent animal to one side with his horn. •  man, all your ahop-girls are squinteyell Can't you manage to obtain a prettier set?" B.: "I have got these as a protection against shoplifters. The.scamps will never know where the girls  are looking!" "I want a dog's inuizde," said a little fellow, entering a hardware shop. "Is it for your father ? " asked the cautious shopkeeper. "No, of course it ain't," !wiled the little fellow indignantly; "it's  for our dog." A chairman, at a lecture given upon "Jerusalem," in introducing the lecturer, said: "He had never in his life been to Jerusalem himself, but he had frequently been sent to a place about 10 miles from it—viz., Jericho." Noblesse oblige.—Hayoor (at fashionable reStaurant) : "Do you like turtle soup?" Shyne: "No. I detest it. "Then what are you eating it for ? " "Confound it, one owes something—faugh!—to one's position in society! " Mabel: "Do you notice how attentive Tom Torrapin is to that elderly Miss Gotrox ? I wonder if he really iseans business?" Maude: "There is certainly little about her to lead one to suppose that he means anything else."  Miss Amy: "I ;wonder how old that Miss ?daleys is, any way?" Mr. Scrabbles: "Twenty-four, I believe." Miss Amy: "Nonsense! What makes you think that?" Mr. Scrabbles: "Hasn't she told me  so every year since I met her ? " Mr. Dun: "But, my dear fellow, this account has been running seven years." Scientific debtor: "That's right, old man. But you know every atom of a man's system changes in seven years. lam not the man who bought the goods." "I have called," said the captious critic, "to And out what reason you can give for representing the New Year as a nude small boy." "That is done," responded the art editor, "because the year does not get its close until December 31st." A . cooking secret.—Mr. K Conomie: "Did you write to that man who advertises to shew people 11 how to make puddings without milk, and have I them richer?" Mrs. B. Conomie : "Yes, and sent him the shilling." "What did he reply?" "Dee cream."  Precocious infant: "I think grammar's very easy, mother. I know all about singler and puree." Proud mother: "Do you, dear ? That's very clever. Perhaps you can tell me the plural of sugar ?" P.l. (after reflection): "Why, lumps, of course! " Stainer: "I'd like to know how to get this poem published. I've sent it to a dozen editors, but it's of no use." Carper: "You might put it in an envelope, leave it on your table, and then commit suicide. AU the papers would have it next day." He (pluming an eloVement): "And at twelve you sneak quietly out of the house and meet me at the corner. I won't have a carriage, as we must be as economical as possible." She: "Oh, I've made papa promise to pay for the carriage, George." He: "And did you tell your father that, although lam penniless, with your love I would be the richest man in the world?" She: "Yes; but it did no good. He said I'd be a fool to enter into a life partnership in which I had to furnish all the capital." - - •  Knew what it meant —"Now, gentlemen." said the eloquent sOvocate, "I leave the case in your hands. In closing I have just one remark to make." And the experienced juror in the dark corner of the box settled himself for another comfortable halfhour nap. He: "Is that your dog I hear howling so?" She: "Yes. Poor Hero is so devoted to me he guards me all the time, and won't even let papa put his arm round me." He: "Faithful creature! I can't bear the thought of his being chained_on my