Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1868-10-02 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

WIT AND HUMOUR.  ' Levelling_Dowu.'—Going to bed.—Judy.  The First Vegetable ever Known—Ti me—lbid. Bad Story for Artists.—Daggers drawn.—Fun.  R,uht—ln Toe-toe.—Belonging to the • upper (and lower) ten.'—The gout.—lbtd.  Expensive Furniture.—Seats in the New House. Punch.  Convivial Toast (for a Temperance Fete.)—Fill high : drink L'eau.—lbid.  To the Horse Guards.—What forts are the best for soldiers ?-0 rdi nary coin-forts. —ibid. A Mien Advantage.—A superiority in appearance. —Judy. Good Men to Attend Auctions.—Men. whose faces are for bidding (forbidding).  A conductor's baton is the fastest thing out; it beets time.  What blessings children are !' as the parish clerk said when he took fees for christening them. Why is a pawnbroker like a drunkard ?—Because he takes the pledge, but cannot always keep it. Does an electric glance of the eye ever produce a shock of hair.  Fast.— An author having said that 'men of the present day are fast,' Prentice replies • that they have to be to catch the women.'  Always be particular in observing where the wind drops. You may be called upon to raise it at a moment's notice.  Horrible.-11 an employer weds his cook, is he a master marryin'er P ([tie perpetrator has been sent to the hulks.)  Whenever a new and startling fact is brought to light in science, people fli.st say it is not true.' ,hen ' it is contrary to religion,' and lastly, that 'everylsody knew it before.'  A little fellow was eating some bread and milk, when he turned round to his mother, and said, 'Oh mtlier, I'm full of glory! There was a sunbeam on my spoon, and I swallowed it.'  At a coloured party in New York, Sarnbo asked Dinah if he might help her to some of the breast. • Now ain't you shamed, Sambo to say breast before de ladies ? take a piece of turkey bosom.'  A Good Reason.—A co,viet wrote a letter to hie brother, serious letter, without an attempt at a kilte, which, however,concluded thus: 'I must lave off uow; my feet are so cold I cannot hold my pen.'  It is related of the Miss Foote who married Senator Henderson, that once when she and her sister went to a party with their uncle, Senator Foote, a grammatical servant announced, 'Senator Foote and the two Misses Feet.'  ' Dennis, darlint, och, DBOlll3, what is it you're doing ?'—' Whisht, Biddy, Lie trying an experiment.' —` Murther ! what is it ?'—' What is it, did you say ? Why, it is giving hot water to the chickens I am, so that they'll be archer laying boiled eggs.' Tit, re is a good story of a Frenchman who was a great practical j.,ker all his lire, a,,tl even played a trick after he had lost the power of enjoying it. He left lour large candles to be carried at his funeral, and they had not been burning fifteen minutes before they went off as fireworks. •  Washington once called on an elderly lady, whose little granddaughter, at the close of his call, waited on him at the door, and opened it to let him out. The general thanked her, and, laying his hand gently upon her head, said, 'Mr dear, I wish you had a better office.' —` Yes, sir,—to let you in,' was the prompt reply. A shopkeeper purchased if an Irishwoman a quantity of butter, the lumps of which, intended for pounds, he weighed in the balance and fund wanting. Sure yer own fault if they are light,' said Biddy, in reply to the complaints of thti buyer; ' its yer own fault, sir; for wasn't it with a pound of yer own soap I bought here that I weighed them ?  Suicide.—Suicide is all the rage at Naples. People hove to walk in the middle of the street to escape inry by the falling bodies of those who dash themselves trom the high balconies. One old man took the fatal leap because he had caught cold, and was afraid it might settle on his chest.  Cause of Offence. Certain young blackguards of the Hague having amused themselves by throwing mud at well-dressed people on the promenade, the superintendent of police issued a request that respectable mimeos wear their ehithiliest garments, in order to remove all cause of offence.'  Small Wit.—A Scotch preacher tieing sent to officiate one Sunday at a country parish, was accommodated at night in the manse, in a very diminutive closet, instead of the usual beat bed-room appropriated to strangers. Is this the bed-room ? he said, starting back in amaz 'mem. Deed, ay, sir, this is the prophet's chaminer.'—' It matin be for the minor prophets, then,' wan the reply. Lying —There lives a man in the west who never hesitates to tell a lie whenever it serves his purpose. At one time he joined the church, but, becoming a backslider soon alter, the clergyman remonstrated with him, and alluded to the punishment which he might expect to meet hereafter, unless he reformed.—' Why, Mr Siffkin,' the divine added, ' you bear the reputation of being the greatest story-teller in the county.— I know it,' said the sinner. 'I know that I'm a great liar; but I can't help telling lies. I've shed barrels and barrels of tears because Nature so shaped my tongue that it's never easy unless when telling monstrous whoppers.'