Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1873-03-29 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

UNSATISFACTORY MEAL.-1 domestic broil.  A LAZY Coo.—One who "fritters" away hertime. A VENERABLIC Pruo.—The old carpet in a bachelor's bed-room. To Ralsovs WEEDS (Winows').—get a good-looking man to work. StrertsmENTAL Tazamr.—"l shall smoke, dear, now I'm married."  Why is a philanthropist like an old Sorsa P—Bew cause he always stops at the sound of woe.  What requires more plaosophy than Liking things as they come 7—Parting with things as they go.  men Milem nave a narmontatng intiuenoe. Few disputes are so large that they cannot be covered by  a tble-cloth.  A wittily magistrate lately observed at a quarter sessions that the county madhouse was "us a very crazy state." cook's perquisites do not extend to the ownerof her master when he comes home in the wet, is dripping. Most people have heard of. a dead wall, but a correspondent writes to say he has actually got a living room in his house. Two cousins, named Crickett, were married last week in Jefferson County, Kentuckys We are oppoited to such cricket matches.  and▪ '  LAZY California bar-tenders place the ingredients of a cobbler into a tumbler, and tb,An wait for an earthquake to mix them up.  Beam:Vs eamnbal from Fiji says, " Be jabbers, he'll not stand being stared at for ten dollars a wake, moind now."  A BOY, writing a composition on " Extremes," remarked that "we should endeavour to __avoid  etztreines, especially those of wasps and bees."  The more ladies practise walking the more graceful they become in their movements. Those ladies acquire the best carriage who don't ride in one. " Your behaviour is most singular, sir," said a young lady to a gentleman who had just stolen a kiss. If that is all," said he, "I will make it plural."  • A man who was delivering a public lecture overstepped the limit of the platform; but landing on his feet, he calmly continued, "To come down to the level of my audience—" Hood, the humenrist, was once enumerating the• various professional merits of Power, the actor; having done so, he concluded with the comment, 'lt never rains but it powers." A LATE Kansas ooroner hearing of a fellow who had made an unsuccessful attempt at hanging himself, called a jury together, and they, after a long deliberation, returned a verdict of " suicide in the second degree.'  An Indian paper describes the feast of a legislative delegation at a railroad dinner. The repoitei is a little reckless in his language, but he narrates the facts in the case very pointedly : " The delegation sat at 2 p.m. They upset at 5:  - Dunn, for many years the treasurer of Dury Lane Theatre, was never known to have seen a single new play acted; none the less, however, when he was asked as to the merits of a new piece, he invariably  answered, "Wants cutting!' An old lawyer used to say that the three moss troublesome clients he ever had were—a young woman who wanted. to be married, a married woman who wanted to be single again, and an old maid who did not know what she wanted.  NORTHERN English rector used to think it polite not to begin service before the arrival of the squire. little while ago he forgot his manners and began. "When the wicked man " " Stop, sir," cried the clerk, "he aint come yet."  A SPORTSMAN Richmond, Virginia, recently raiatook the red turban af a coloured lady, which he saw moving about through the branches, for a large robin, and lodged a charge of shot in it. The supposed r• 'bin promptly retaliated with a brick. An American paper boasts of a oontebutor "who has recently changed his style from prose to poetry, inaugurating the change with a" Sonnit to a Violett,' which he thinks will boa success on account of the neat way in which he makes " heifer " rhyme with "Zephyr." -  Young damsel : Law, Mrs. Mumblebone, that boy can't be right in his head !" Mrs. M., "Bless ye, miss, he can't be expected to be sich. His father died of disinterums, and his mother died of chronic spassims, and his sister died of a broken leg, and his eldest brother died in goal. It runs in the famAy."  A "devoted" husband's wife and wife's mother died about the same time, and were buried side by tido ; but the tombstone man botched his job by putting each marble slab over the wrong woman. The "devoted" husband was thus led to shed tears for three months over the grave of his mother-in-law.  Bather corpulent old lady: "I should like a ticket for the train." Booking clerk (who thinks he will make a joke) : "Yes'm ; will you go in the passenger train or in the cattle train ? ' Lady: " Well if you are a specimen of what I shall experience in the passenger train, give me a ticket for the cattle train by all means." The only successful attempt to counterfeit Mr Greeley's handwriting is credited to a crazy grasshopper, who jumped into the philosopher's inkstand at Chappaqua and afterwards floundered over a sheet of paper. The imitation was so perfect that Mr Greeley read, approved, and mailed it, and its authenticity was never questioned.—Ameriam paper. A Western paper speaking of a noted beauty, remarked that the "profusion and colour of her hair would lead one to look upon it as though it was spun by the nimble fingers of the easy hours as they glided through the bright June days, whose sunny rays of light were caught in the meshes, and were content to go no farther." The girl had red hair; that was all. The deliberate manner in which Chicago was rebuilt is thus illustrated in an exchange: "Let me see," said a Chicago boss mason reflectively to a burnt-out merchant, "I have got to put up a block for Brown this morning, and a dwelling house this afternoon for Smith. Yes, I guess we can jerk up your store this noon by taking only half an hour's noonin'."—American paper.  We have all heard of the extreme fastidiousness of the female half of the Americans, and that they cannot bear to see the naked leg of a mahogany table; but it was paying a little expensively for the indulgence of that sentiment when onayachting excursiou a young lady who was on board sprang out of her berth and jumped overboard on hearing the captain, during a gale of wind, order the mate to haul down tie sheets.  The Indian language is noted for its melody, and no one who has ever conversed with the noble savage in his native wilds can ever forget the eloquent harmony of its gutturals. A writer has discovered that the word love in the Indian language is spelt thus—" Schemmendameartchwayer." What young lady could resist the importunities of a man who informed her that he had a good deal of that for  WI4:A/TD; _ MAN r. editor. _