Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1886-08-28 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

DRAWN FOR A SOLDIER.  I was once—for a few hours only—in the Militia. I suspect I was in part answerable for own mishap. There is a story in e 1 Iler" of a man who, being" pressed" hc • His Majesty on another element, pleaded his polite breeding, to the gang, as a good ground of exemption; brit was told that the crew being a set of sad unmannerly dogs, a Chesterfield was the very character they wanted. The Militiamen acted, I presume, on the same principle. Their customary schedule was forwarded to me, at Brighton, to fill up, and in a moment of incautious hilarity—induced, perhaps, by the absence of all business or employment except leasure—l wrote myself down in the descriptive column as" quite a gentleman." The consequence followed immediately. A precept addressed by the High Constable of Westminster to the low ditto of the parish of St. M , and endorsed with my name, informed me that it had turned up in that involuntary lottery, the ballot. At the sight of the orderly, who thought proper to deliver the document into no other hands than mine, my mother-in-law cried, and my wife fainted on the spot. They had no notion of any distinctions in military service—a soldier was a soldier—and they imagined that, on the very morrow, I might be ordered abroad to a fresh Waterloo. They were unfortunately ignorant of that benevolent provision which absolved the Militia from going out of the kingdom— "except in case of aminvasion." In vain I represented that we were " locals ;" they had heard of local diseases, and thought there might be wounds of the same description. In vain I explained that we were not troops of the line ;—they could see nothing to choose between being shot in a line or any other figure. I told them that I was not obliged " to serve myself;" but they answered, "It was so much the harder that I should be obliged to serve anyone else." My being sent abroad, they said, would be the death of them; for they had witnessed at Ramsgate the embarkation of the Waleheren expediUlm, and too well remembered the misery of the soldiers' wives at seeing their husbands ' in "transports." I told them that, at the very worst, if I " should "be sent abroad, there was no reason why I should not return again; but they both declared they never did, and never would, believe in those "returns of the killed and wounded."  The discussion was in this stage, when it was interrupted by another loud single knock at the door, a report equal in its effects on us to that of the memorable cannon-shot at Brussels; and before we could recover ourselves a strapping sergeant entered the parlour, with a huge bow, or rather rainbow, of parti-rtchanred ribbons in his cap. He came, he said, to offer a substitute for me; but I was prevented from reply by the indignant females asking him in the same breath, "Who and what did he think ' could' be a substitute for a son and a husband."  The poor sergeant looked foolish enough at this turn; but he was still more abashed when the two anxious ladies began to crossexamine him on the length of his services abroad and the number of his wounds, the campaigns of the Militiaman having been confined, doubtless, to Hounslow, and his bodily marks militant to the three stripes on his sleeve. Parrying these awkward questions, he endeavoured to prevail upon me to see the proposed proxy, a fine young fellow. he assured me, of unusual stature; but I told him it was quite an indifferent point with me whether he was six feet two or two feet six— in short, whether he was as tall as the flag or "under the standard." The truth is, I reflected that it was a time of profound peace, that a civil war or an invasion was very unlikely; and as for an occasional drill, that I could make shift, like another, to right-about-face. Accordingly, I declined seeing the substitute, and dismissed the sergeant with a note to the War Secretary to this purport :—That I considered myself drawn, and expected, therefore, to be well quartered. That, under the circunstances of the country, it would prolably be unnecessary for Militiamen to be mustarded; but that if His Majesty did "call me out," I hoped I should give him satisfaction." The females were far from being pleased with this billet. They talked a great deal of moral suicide, wilful murder, and seeking the bubble reputation at the cannon's mouth; but I shall ever think that I took the proper course, for after the lapse of a few hours two more of the general's red coats, or general postmen, brought me a large packet sealed with the War Office seal, and superscribed "Henry Hardinge," by which I was offioially absolved from serving on horse or on foot, or on both together, then and hereafter. _ .  And why I know not—unless His Majesty doubted the handsomeness of discharging me in particular without letting off the rest; but so it was that in a short time afterwards there was issued a proclamation in which the services of all Militiamen were for the present dispensed with, and we were left to purtus our several avocations, of course ail the 'lter in our spirits for being disem