Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1888-07-28 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

QUIPS AND CRANKS.  Pus days are now longer than the nights, but they are still much too short for a man who has to explain to his wife how it happens that he calls her " Lulu " in his dreams, while her name is" Jane."  THERM is a summer hotel in New Hampshire called the Quolainnapasskessanauguog House. The name runs twice round the build.ng and then away out into the woods, where it is used as .a. trail by fishing parties. _ _ _  "WHAT causes all -this drunkenness ?"asked a prohibition journal. It is safe to wager that whisky and other intoxicating beverages cause the most of it. A prohibition editor should have known that much.  : " WnAT is the great need of the hour?" exclaimed a leoturer on " The Amelioration of the Evils of Humanity." To which an inebriated auditor responded, " A ni-night key with an e-e-electric light on the end of it." Cosromas "Are these neckties strong '?" Shopman : " Strong? Why, sir, last week I sold one to a gentleman as was a 'ankering after suicide, and he liked it so mach that he used it to 'ang 'isself, and it bore 'is weight beautiful."  Tins Weather.—" And how are we to-day, my dear madam ?" " Well, doctor, the cold I caught the day before yesterday is rather better ; but the one I caught on Monday week is ever so much worse—and I caught a brand new one last night." TRAMP (to gentleman) : " Say, mister, won't you give a poor fellow a dime to buy a bowl of soup ?" Gentleman: " Can't do it, my dear fellow. If I give you that dime, I will have that much less money, and I'm a member of the Anti-Poverty Society, you know." Ties latest "fad" of the fair sea in Nebraska is a hair album, in which they place locks of hair from the heads of their friends of the other sex. They probably got this &shim' from the wild Indians of the ' West, who have always been famous for collecting scalp locks. Yoc went out too soon," said a wife to a husband at a recent conoeit. "Patti ! responded to a third encore and sang, "Coming thro' the Rye." It was simply divine. I fairly drank in it." "So did I," he answered softly, with a slight suspicion of a hiccough, " and I can taste it yet." " WELL, dear," said s Washington husband, "shall we go to the theatre this evening 2" ! "What sort of a play is it ?" "Comedy." "How many acts ?" "About five, I think." " No, I don't think I'll go. Five drinks is more than you'd better take in one evening." TRAMP (to partner: "Did the old man give up anything, Bill?" Partner : " Naw." Tramp: "What did you say to him ?" Partner: "I asked him if he could help a poor man who was out of work, and he said he could give me some work. Times seems to be gettin' wuss every day." PHYSICIAN : 'How did the sedative powder 'affect your wife last night, Mr Smith ?" Mr Smith: "Disastrously." Physician: "Disastrously? Wasn't she able to sleep?" Mr 'Smith: " Sle?p ? Why, the baby cried from midnight until morning, and she slept through it all."  L/TT.LE Girl (to visitor, whose business ie in a shaky oondition): "I say, Mr Brown, on don't know how to swim, do you?" Mr Brown: " No, I can't swim at all." Little Girl: "I thought you couldn't swim, because heard papa say the other day you had a groat deal of trouble in keeping your head above water."  "Triass swine of yours, Willie, are in capital condition just now," said the minister, leaving the house of a Fife labourer the other day, and poking the ribs of a fat porker with his umbrella as he passed along. "Yes, minister," was the reply, " they are a' that. It wad be tellin' fowk if they were a' as fit to dee as time swine are."  A LUDY having put to Canning the silly question, "Why have they made the spaces in the iron gate at Spring Gardens so narrow ?" replied, "Oh, ma'am, because such very fat people used to go through," a reply concerning which Tom Moore remarked that " the person who does not relish it can have no perception of wit."  ScassLConntry village not a hundred miles from the Heart of Midlothian, where co-operation has s firm hold on the inhabitants. First wee lassie, to second ditto: " We've got anither bairn in nor h003e." Second: -" Whaur free?" First: "Oh, the doctor brocht it !" Second: "What wey did ye no get it cot the store? Ye wad hae got a dividend on't."  "