The Birkenhead News and Wirral General Advertiser. — 1886-01-13 (Birkenhead, Merseyside, England)

QUARANTINE. Servant: "There's a boy at the door with a telegram, Mrs. Hart." Mistress: "Where is it from, Jane ? " Servant: "The boy says Montreal." Mistreas "Tell him to take it over to Dr. Saul's and see if it's been vaccinated. I don't want to catch the smallpox." Sum; Exoron.—" That vehicle looks a little drunk," said a friend to Spicer, as a wobblfitg carriage passed them onrWashington•street." ." Good reason," said Seth, "the seats are all  full and the axle is a little sprung." Ax.vroxrcsi..—The murderers have discovered some astonishing vulnerable parts of the human anatomy of late. From a paper this morning we learn that a Georgia colonel was "shot in the ticket office ;" the other day a man was fatally shot "through his door," and not long ago another received fatal wound "in his window." Some one has estimated that the time thrown away in this world in courting the girl you want to marry, and who is ready to litany you, would build all the railroads and bridges and tunnels and factories and public buildings. Some purists object to the use of the word " render, ' as often applied to the delivery of a. song by an artist upon the stage; but we are inclined to think such use legitimate, inasmuch as we find in the dictionary a secondary meaning to be "to inflict." First Gascon—" My eldest son was born with two teeth." Second ditto (not to be outdone)—" Mine had slight indications of beard." Third (triumphantly)—" My daughter was born ready vaccinated." A St. Louis tailor recently left a note beside his dead body saying that he had committed suicide. Owing to the extreme unreliability of tailors it is believed by the police that he was either murdered or is still alive. . . .  ......-Paccoctotts.—Said a mother to her little boy, who was talking glibly of "men" and "gentlemen," " What is the difference between a man and a gentleman, Willie ? " The little one replied unhesitatingly, "A man 'at works an' a man 'at walks."  riAirsinTE  The young man lingered near the managing editor's desk, waiting for an appointment on the regular staff. "But you drink ?" said the manager, wishing to let the candidate down easy. "Yes," replied the young man, "so did Alexander the Great."  'And you are a liar ?" "So was Napoleon Bonaparte." "And you arc head and ears in deb ?' "Like Alexander Dumas." "And you are a glutton ?" "So was Peter the Great." k "And you swear occasionally ?" "So did George Washington." "You are liable to get drunk ?" "Like Daniel Webster." "Yon are not a college man ?" "Neither was Lincoln." " And then you write a wretchedly illegible  han4?" "Like Horace Greeley." "You can't mako a speech ?" _.  "Like Grant." "Well," said the manager, plunging at. heap of manuscript, "anyhow we don't want you; you won't do. Good morning." The young man turned away exceeding sorrowful. It's no sort of use," he said: "a fellow combines in his own brain and person the traits of all the great men from 1 Alexander to Grant, and can't even get a. place. This world is growing too fast for genius." An anxious inquirer asks: "Where would you advise use to go to learn how to play the piano ?" To the woods, dear—to tile deep, dark, damp, dank, dangerous woods. 1 The price of a giraffe is 20,000 dollars. Boarding-house people who had an idea that hash contained a tittle of everything can now eat that compound with the assurance that giraffe is not one of the component parts. Japanese etiquette requires visitors to remain at the places they are 'visiting until they are told to leave. A good many visiting acquaintances in this country seem to be trying to make that the custom here. "Kiss the baby while you can," admonishes a poet. We can kiss her just as well fifteen or twenty years from now she's that kind of a baby.  Tax TUTTY'd PAIA: SOAP, Td.., per bar; Motlted, sd. per ban—Charing Cross Chandlery Stores, 250, Grange-road, Birkenhead.— Advt. If you want your magazines and booki, to be well and cheaply bound send them to the Birkenhead Sews office 64 and 66, Chester. street, Birkenhead.