The Barrow Herald and Furness Advertiser. — 1866-08-25 (Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria, England)

VARIETNES.  Light wine is but the ghost of wine—it has no body to it• Put your money into a box if you like; but not a box. _ .  Don't addict yourself to grinning; a. skull can beat you at that.  The ocean, which is for ever soundi.ng, ' sometimes gets sounded. A person who has no address should not undertake to address audiences. The most immoral of musicians is the fiddier ,:he is always  • in a "serape." Cutting off two feet from a man is making short work of him. "I say, Jim, are there any bears in:your country in the winter 7"—" Y-e-s ; the ice bears." A married editor rarely writes about woman. Ile dares not try to make her his subject, since he is hers. A man in New Orleans walks so slow that his shadow frequently falls asleep on the side-walk. Stupid people may eat, but shouldn't talk. Their mouths will do well enough as banks of deposit, but not of issue. It is said that doctors can mitigate the pain of sickness; certainly a good many of them make dying a very easy thing. A great many persons undertake to build fortunes as Pat tried to build his chimney. They begin at the top and build down.  -- At a school examination, a Hibernian urchin being asked why it was FO warm in the torrid zone, very promptly replied, " Because it is so hot." A railroad conductor, out of employment at present, wants to know when the "Equinoctial line" is to be opened, as he thinks of applying for a situation." The most infallible way of preventing a kitchen door from creaking is said to be to engage a servant whose sweethearts ome to the house to see her. A poet has commenced a new epic, which begins well. It opens with an invocation to the Nine Muses, bursting forth with these words, " Ye feminines !" Swinging is said, by the doctors, to be a good exercise for the health, but Many a poor wretch has come to his death by it. Ugly people are as anxious as handsome ones to perpetuate their features; rrobably, having lived so long with their ugliness, they they have become attached to it. An American editor acknowledges the receipt of a bottle of brandy, forty-eight years old; and says: "This brandy is so old, that we very much tear it cannot live much longer. There is a great deal of absurd reasoning. Some logician.s will tell you that, if a dog with four legs can catch a dozen rabbits a day, a dog with only two can catch half a dozen. Hearing a physician remark that a small blow will break the nose, a rustic exclaimed, " Well, I dunno about that; I've blowed my nose a great many times, and I've never broken it." Ny the ancient laws of Hungary, a man convicted of bigamy was compelled to live with both wives in the same house. As a consequence, the crime was exceedingly rare in that country. "Dear me, how fluidly he talks 1" said Mrs. Partington, recently at a temperance meeting. "I am always rejoiced when he mounts the nostril, for his eloquence warms in every cartridge of my body." Somebody, describing the absurd appearance of a man dancing the polka, says' "He looks as though he had a hole in his pocket, and was trying to shake a shilling down the leg of his trousers." At three years of age we love our mothers; at six our fathers; at ten, holidays; at sixteen, dress ; at twenty, our sweethearts ; at twenty-five, our wives; at forty, our children ; at sixty, ourselves. An American editor. speaking indignantly of the too hasty interment of a lone woman, who had committed suicide, says "They buried the woman like a. dog, with all her clothes on." "I am afraid," said a person of questionable habits, "that I am likely to have water upon the brain."—" You will never have it upon the stomach," was his companion's consolatory reply. " Mr. Smith, I wish to speak to you privately. Permit me to take you apart a few moments."—Smith (who was not the least ft ightened)—" Certainly, .sir, if you'll promise to put me together again." Tile American editor who wrote his editorials with chalk on the soles of his shoes, and went barefooted while the printers set up the copy, ,has purchased a ream of second hand envelopes, and engaged a girl to turn them inside-out. • A poor Irishilian seeing a crowd of people approaching, asked what was the matter. He was answered, "A man is going to buried."—" Oh," replied he, "I'll stop and see that, for we carry them to be buried in our country." A cobbler at Leyden, who used to attend the public disputations held at the Academy, was once asked if he understood Latin. "No," replied the mechanic, "but I know who is wrong in the argument."—" And how?" asked his friend.—" Why, by seeing who is angry first." Charles James Fox, canvassing for an election, asked the vote of a tradesman, who was bitterly opposed to his interests. The man refused it, but presented him with a halter. "Pray, sir, keep it," said the wit, "for I presume it must boa family relic. ' " Arrah, Pat, and why did I marry. ye—jist tell me that! for it's myself that's had to maintain ye ever since • the blessed day that Father O'Flannagan sent me home to yer house."—" Swate jewel l" replied Pat, not relishing the charge, " and it's remit' that hopes I may live to see the day, when ye're a widoir; waving over the cold sod that that covers me ; then, by St. Patrick, I'll see how you ged slops without me, honey." A Goon Arri4rlTE.—" My dear," said an affectionate Wife to her husband, who had been sick for several days, " when you were well you were in the habit of eating t•7elve appledumplings; now that you are sick how many shall I make you 9."—" Well," replied the husband, " I reckon you may make eleven to-day; but be particular and make them a little larger than usual." The wife obeyed. When the husband had eaten eleven, with the exception of half a one, his little son, a lad of some six summers, came up to him, and said, "Daddy, give me a little piece."—" Go away, sonny," replied the father, "your poor dad's sick."  A