The Central Glamorgan Gazette, and General, Commercial, and Agricultural Advertiser. — 1891-06-26 (Bridgend, Mid Glamorgan, Wales)

REV. LONGNECX : "Dear, I do wish I could think of some way to make the congregation keep their eyes on me during the sermon. Little Tommy: "Put the clock right behind the pulpit, pa."  "How's your -family ?" "Pretty Well, thank tyou." an‘d' Aiuy can't understand daugicliters whymtlairerPcidont off; they use powder enough, goodness knows!"  FRIEND : "You have only been married two weeks, and you are fighting already, so I hear." Mrs. Young: "Yes, life's too short to waste any time. I ought to have tackled him two weeks ago." Am He Wouldn't Tell.—Young Wife (with innocent pride) : "I made this pudding myself, Harold." Young Husband (consolingly) : "Never mind, Imogene. Nobody will ever know it but me."  "So your uncle is dead, Charley ? " "Yes, died yesterday." "He was a very eccentric old fellow. Do you think he was altogether right in his head ? " " Well —er—l couldn't say, you know, until the will is read."  _ " I Lovx that girl." " Why ? " "What do you suppose she sent me for a valentine?" "I don't know. The receipted bill for all the flowers I sent her last year. It's taken a load off my mind, I can tell you.' ANXIOUS millionaire: "Then, sir, I have your consent to pay my addresses to your daughter? Ah, sir, if I only thought I could win her affections." Eager father: "Why not, my dear sir—why not? Plenty othershave succeeded." "Wax two beautiful children! Are they twins?" Belden old bachelor to a lady with two children. "Oh, yes, they are twins ! " replied the lady. "Excuse my curiosity, madam; but are "you the mother of both of them?" Awe-struck visitor (in artistic studio) : "It must be very difficult to produce such an exquisite work of art." Von Dauber: " Nonsense ! Almost everybody can paint a picture but finding a rich fellow to buy it after it is painted is where the art comes in.,,  During the celebration of the defeatof the Armada at Plymouth, a countryman strolling into the town asked what all the decorations were for. "Why, it's for the Armada; it was defeated off here three hundred years ago." ." Good gracious I" said the farmer, "and has Plymouth just found it out ? "  IRENE : "Do you mean to say Maud is going to marry that ugly, Mt old man who took her out to supper just now " Laura: "That's what everybody says." "What a bitter pill he must be ! " "No, he's sugar-coated. He is a wealthy confectioner."  A TOTING woman has committed suicide, in Germany, by jumping from a boat into a lake. She left behind her—in the boat—a copy of one of Ibsen's plays, which she had been reading. The jury immediately brought in a verdict of temporary insanity. TREY Do Not Speak Now.—Edith (who was at Mrs. Dinsmore's party the night before) "I met Charley in the hall-way last night, and he kissed me." Maud (who was also at the party) : "Yes, he told me so. He said he mistook you for me in the dark." A ScIrrEBED Audience.—" You've broken that lecture item off nicely," said the editor to the foreman. "How so? " "You've cut off all the names of those present but two, and made me say, 'Scattered through the hall were Bronson Smithers said Mrs. Smithers.' "  A RICH Old Fraud.—Old Bullion: "What's the matter now ?" Young Wife (pouting) : "You have not kept your word. You said before marriage you'd do anything in the world to please me." "Yes." "You said you would gladly die for me." "Yes." "Well, but you don't."  A so-called wit, the other day, upon meeting an acquaintance about to be married to a lady of the name of Abernethy, accosted him in this wise :—" Hullos, old chap! Allow me to congratulate you. Going to marry Miss Biscuits, I hear ? " "Yea, and the' tin,' too," was the reply. __ _  THE Bliss of the Backwater.—Anielina "How sweet! how cairn! how lovely! Oh, happy swan! to watch the light on the silver pearly osier stems. Free of care! Oh, happy bird ! ' Edward: "Free of care! I should think so with only one bill! I've got a brace at three months due to-morrow."  - IT is a 0-ratifying proof of newspaper enterprise to find that some journals have correspondents in "another place," as proved by the following item in an evening paper :—" The Empress Charlotte, of Mexico, widow of Maximilian, who NM executed at Queretaro, completes her fifty-first year to-day."  Sln: "A pretty time of night for you to come home ! " He: "A pretty time of night for you to be awake ! " "I have stayed awake for the last four hours waiting for you to come home." "And I have been keeping myself awake for the last four hours at the club waiting for you to go to sleep." Lord Cockburn the proprietor of the ostat.. of Bonaly, at the fool of the Pentland Hills, was sitting on the hillside with a shepherd, and observing the sheep reposing in the coldest situation, he remarked to him: "John, 111 were a sheep I would lie on the other side of the hill." Ah, my lord," said the shepherd, "but if yo was a sheep ye would hae mair sense."  A YOUNG ensign, residing in lodgings, the rooms of which were very small, was visited by a fashionable friend, who had no sooner entered than he exclaimed: "Charles, where do you find space to breathe in here? Why, there's hardly room for a cock to crow in. Row long have you lived in this nutshell?" "Not long enough to become a kernel," replied the other. A silo= man, who is rather touchy at any reference to his size, relates how he was once utterly crushed in an argument. He had the best of it, and was walking the room the more strotmly to lay down and emphasise the points, when the other fellow calmly remarked, "sit down, James; you look taller sitting." it made him so wild that he could not say another word. TIME was a three-year-old child who had heard her parents dismiss hygiene until her infant mind was saturated with the subject. Then one day her dear old grandmother said, meaning to give Bessie a piece of cake, "Bessie, what do you always have after your bath ?" The child regarded her grandmother for a moment with inquiring eyes, and then boldly replied, "Reaction."  A CERTAIN country sexton, in making his report of burials, is explicit to a commendable degree. For instance, such entries as this occur :—" Died, Join Smith, male; aged three days; unmarried." " GEORGE," said Estelle, with a sly smile, "your glove is ripped. You ought to have someone to keep theminrepair, and sew buttons on your coat." "You wouldn't like to—to—be a dieter to me, Would you, Ftetolle said George.