Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1888-02-18 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

AMERICAN RIIMOIIR. " Mans, miner, minas!" This is the order of speculations in mining stock. Lou may laugh at locksmiths, but it knows better than to fool with the dog. HE who muddles the stream of life should not oomph:ad-if forced tit drink ef the dirty water. JAY GooLc does not care who writes the nation's songs if he is allowed to do its tele graphing. Vd.NDERrUTI3TBS (slightly weary): "Well, I (Velure I Wonner where poliahe could er been. Thieves gone shtole key-hole." llTia no use for a piano to be square or upright. Mr Talmage is authority for saying that there will be none of them in Heaven. _ _ _ _ .  IF a Paris policeman gets drunk twice he is dismissed from the force. No Austin policeman gets drunk twice. He gets drunk once, and stays 80. THE boy who qugis at the sight of a mustard plaster is the same lad that goes fearlessly forth to tackle a bee's nest with a handful of willow switches.  THE man who put in two months at the seashore without feeing a waiter can be told half a block sway. He is so thin that you can see through him. "I SEE the Germans are making light of that Paris scandal," observed the Horse Editor. "Well, what else is a Paris candle for ?" asked the Snake Editor.  NOTHING like an honest quill. A scientific journal starts an editorial with: " Our ancestors, the baboons of Africa," ,tc. Don't you ever get lonesome to see the old folk? " BROMLEY, afraid that you are dying. Shall I send for the Rev. Mr Struthers ?" " Well, no. It would be necessary to send for another clergyman to consult with him." Tar: boy who whistles twenty-five hours out of the twenty-four may not become & burglar or a murderer when he grows up, after all. He is likely not to grow up if you get a fair chance at him. EXCITED German : " Stop stop! You vas mine window broke! Vanishing boy: " All right, old man. Don't you see that I'm running home as fast as I can to get the money to pay for it I" A HAN has been arraigned in a New York Court for robbing a plumber. It is supposed that the gentleman invited the plumber to dinner, and then refused to pay him for the time ft took him to eat it.  Lire Insurance Agent: "The advantage of our company is that you do not forfeit your policy either by being hanged or committing suicide I Will you oblige by taking a prospectus ?" IT is said that the world was created in six days, and we admit it for the sake of argument; but we think one more day might have been profitably devoted to some first-class preparation for paving streets. A MICHIGAN woman with a short and heavy stick has set out to walk to California. It is nothing uncommon for actresses to travel all over the country with half a dozen sticks, and some of them make money at it, too. PATIPINT : "Doctor, what makes dose brane fevers hang on so long? Die am de secon' motif I'se bin in dis bed!" Doctor (musingly) : "Searching for de brain, Mr Webster, am what takes up de time ob dose slow fevers."  "PRISONER, did yon kill this boy ?" " I did, your Honour; I cut his throat. He shot me in the ear with a rubber sling, and—" "The prisoner is discharged, and the Sheriff will give him back his knife, and tell the janitor to sharpen it for him." " I SUPPOSE you find times pretty hard," said a kind-hearted old lady to a tramp, "and often don't get enough to eat 2" "It's worse than that, mum," was the candid reply. "In these days it is hard to get enough to drink, let alone to eat."  AND do you really love me, George ?" she asked. " Love you?" repeated George, ler. vently. "Why, while I was bidding you good-bye on the porch last night, dear,the dog bit a large chunk out of my leg, and I never noticed it until I got home. Love you I" " &or smoking," said the preacher, " you will lengtheu your days." "Well," ssIN he s little while afterwards to one of his flock, "did you give my teaching a trial ?" "Yes," was the reply, "I did for one day, and it was the longest I ever spent—you were quite right."