The Birkenhead News and Wirral General Advertiser. — 1880-09-18 (Birkenhead, Merseyside, England)

FACETIE.  "Ear;. Apollo strikes the lyre." The fool thoht they meant a regular two-legged newspaper liar.—Courier Journal.  _ __....... AVERY agreeable girl, about twenty, having during a comitry visit run out of powder to whiten her' face, has tried pounded sugar with the b,sst results; sue says it tastes nice when she is kissed. A Mot in Illinois committed suicide by drowning, lately, in six inches of water. He could not have done it alone, but his wife, with that self-sacrificing devotion and helpfulness so characteristic of her sex, sat on his head.  THE following is said to be the form of oath in some Western county courts : " Sommy swathytesmy you shagginkase nowntril shabby truth nothin butty truth seppy gob wasby name." "DON'T you take rather too much spirits for a single man 2" azked a kind man of one who was indulging pretty freely. "I beg pardon, sir; I have been married this ten years," was the answer.  A MOSQUITO taper is a Pittsburg invention. It creates such a smell while burning that mosquitoes ask to be excused. It drives human beings outdoors also, which is its only defect.  The lazy schoolboy who spelled Andrew Jackson " &ru Jazon " has been equalled by a student who wished to mark half a dozen of new shirts. He marked the first "John Jones," and the rest " do."  A NEW biographer of Artemus Ward says the genial humourist usually wrote with one leg over the arm of his chair. We had always supposed he wrote with a pea or e pencil; but to write with ono leg over the arm of a chair is not so difficult as to write with one arm over the leg of a chair._ .  "JOB printing ? exclaim 3d an old lady, the other day, as she peeped over her spectacles at the advertising page of a country paper. "Poor Job! they've kept him printing, week after week, ever since I larnt to read; and if he wasn't the patientest man that ever was, he never could have stood it so long, no how !"  REPORTERS should always be eventampered men, but when one rushes wildly ten squares to get a vivid account of a man breaking his leg, he may be excused if he can't find any words in the dictionary to suit the occasion when he discovers it is a wooden leg.—Boston Free Press.  Sim fanned herself with a handkerchief as she sat down on the stool in front of the soda fountain, and as the clerk was drawing the syrup she turned to her !daughter, a girl of fifteen, and remarked: "Now, Mary, be careful. Don't gulp it down at three swallows and get exploded all to pieces by the gas, but sip, sip, and don't run any risks."—Detroit Free Press.  A tramping printer on the route between New York and Newburgh is accompanied by his wife. When asked the other day by a country editor why he carted her around with him, he remark,:d that she took him for better or worse, and, hating had a good taste of the latter, was endeavouring to find out where the " better" came in.  ACCORDING to Mrs. Livemore, the wives of the East India Brahmins arc the mere slaves of their husbands, and servilely attend them at meal time. But the day is not far distant when British civilisation will have introduced flatirons and potato-mashers into Indie, and when the now tyrannical Brahmin will be glad enough to crawl up outside the door and sniff the %limier through the keyhole. THE other day, while the gale was at its height, a nobby-looking Chinaman was walking behind a young lad; dressed in the extreme of fas'-don, when a sudden gust of wind bier the Celestial's pigtail for.vard ml wrappod the end of it around the lady's neck. Being frightened, she gnilibed the end of the queue to snatch it away, but pulled in the wrong direction. The Chinaman also made a grab to reco%er his property, but he was out of luck, as he got hold of those long curls which aro usually seen hanging dowe from waterfalls, as well as of his queue, and when he took a pull at it the whole of the lady's top hair, hat and all, came off. The lady's head had no hair ou it, only a little that was gathered into a small not that stood erect, like the scalp. lock of a Piute brave.