Alston Herald, and East Cumberland Advertiser. — 1880-07-10 (Alston, Cumbria, England)

MRB. SHODDY (to shopkeeper) : "Show me a thermometer—one of your very best." Shopkeeper: This, ma'am, is one of our finest—Venetian ginsa and the best quicksilver." Mrs. S.: " Silver ? That would be very nice for the kitching, but I want one for my boodoor. Haven't you one with quick gold ?" THE following is an ingenious American advertisement: A French painter, who was talking about costume with some foreigners, maintained that much of the dignity associated in our minds with the face and form of Washington was due to the starched cravat about his neck. 'Remove that," he cried," and Washington will descend at least thirty degrees in the eyes of his admirers." Carmany and Orossett, 25, Rearny-street, have now on hand unequalled articles for neck wear, so perfectly adapted to face and figure that they bring out the beauty of every man's individuality. A FIRM of painters on Madison-street bulletin their removal as follows, on a sign-board erected like a guide book upon the ruins of their old-establishment in Chicago: "Moore and One, House and Sign painters, removed to 111, Desplaine-street. Capital $50,000,000." A WOMAN in Ohio put her baby into the washmg-tub, and its dirty frock and petticoat into the cradle, and set her little boy to rock it. She did not discover her mistake until the boy cried out, when she pinned its left leg to the line, as she hung it out in the yard to dry. AN American millionaire not long since visited Europe. A travelled friend asked him what he had seen, mentioning all the noted sights; among other places, he inquired if he bad seen the Dardanelles. "Oh, yes," replied old money-bags, "they dined with us the last night we were in Paria!" "GENTLEMEN of the jury," said a Western lawyer, "would you set seat trap to catch a bear, or make fools of yourselves by trying to spear a buffalo with a knitting needle? I know you would not, Then how can you be guilty of the absurdity of convicting my client of man-slaughter for taking the life of a woman?" This prisoner was acquitted. A STARCHILY - DRESSED individual recently called at a little shop in New Orleans, over which hung the sign of "Dr. Jefferies." "Is the doctor ?" he inquired ot a dilapidated darkie who received him. "He am dat, ear," was the reply. "Tell him I think I have symptoms of small-pox, and wish to consult him." The darkie's eyeballs grew intense. "Golly, mama, you say dat?" "Yes, I do; tell the doctor I am sick with the small-pox." Wildly the darkie darted from the, room, and closing the door behind him, cried, "I don't want no small-pox. Golly, Boss, Pee the doctor, but I'm no good at smalbpox." JOSH BILLINGS says that " moat people decline to learn except by their own experience, and," he goes on to observe, with a pardonable egotism, "I guess they're more 'n half right, for I don't suppose a man would get a correct idea of molasses candy merely by letting another fellow taste it for him." A CALIFORNIAN jury, in a suicide &LSO lately, found the following verdict: " We,-the jury, find that the deceased was a fool." It wouldn't do to have such a sensible jury sitting on live people.