The Barrow Herald and Furness Advertiser. — 1871-03-11 (Barrow-in-Furness, Cumbria, England)

CONUNDET:M.—Smyth spent two days and nights in considering an answer to the conundrum —"Why is an egg undone like an egg overdone?" He would suffer no one to tell him, and at last hit upon the solution—because both are hardly done. A Cincinnatian says :—"Talk about filters ! Just eat a quart of the Ohio :River water, and stand in the sun for five minutes, and you will find the aforesaid coming out at every pore, beautifully filtered, :while your stomach becomes converted into a sand-bag and you can hear the gravel rattle as you walk." When the cholera was in the south of Europe, a native of Hungary heard that in a certain village it only attacked men. Hoping to escape the disease, he disguised himself as a female with the utmost care and secrecy, and went to live in the favoured village. Soon after his arrival he was, however, attacked with the worst symptoms of the disorder, and in his agony exclainud, "Alas, alas ! who could have betrayed. my sex  During a steam voyage, on a sudden stop of the machinery, considerable alarm took place, especially among the female passengers. "What is the matter? What is the matter? For heaven's sake tell me the wand," exclaimed one more anxious than the rest.—After a short vulie a hoarse voice from the deck replied, "Nothing, madam, nothing: only the bottom of the vessel and the top of the earth are struck together." A CAUslTle 111T.—Piron, the French author, has Mg been taken up by the watchman of the night in the streets of Paris, was carried on the following morning before the lieutenant of police, who haughtily interrogated hint concerning his business or profession. "I am a poet, sir," said Piron.—" Oh, oh, a poet, are you said the magistrate. "I have a 'Tether who is a poet."— "Then we are even," said Piron, "for I have a brother who is u fool"  "1 say, mister, did you see a dog come by here that looks as if he were a year, a year and a half, or two years old ?" said a Yankee to a countryman at the roadside.—" Yes," said the countryman, thinking himself quizzed. "lie passed about an hour, or an hour and a half, or two hours ago; and is sow a mile, or a mile and a half, or two miles ahead; and he had a tail about an inch, or an inch and a half, or two inches iong."—" That'll do," said the Yankee; "you're pato me a foot, or a foot and a half, or two feet." A catain Dutch justice of the peace, in Canaria, had a case before him, in w'..ich one party charged the other with biting his nose off. The defendant denied the accusation, stating that the plaintiff had bitten it off himself. Our worthy judge, after some deliberation delivered the following opinion : " Mit Gott, everydiugs is possible. Yell, if Gott is willing a man shall bite his on n nose off, he shall do it. De prisoner is discharged, and de blainitif can go home and never do so no more." ,A trambone player who resides in the Department of La Meuse, France, being assured that parrots, thrushes, and ravens can, by dint of perseverance, be taught to speak, conceived the idea of giving a course of instruction to one of his ducks in his poultry yard. As the story runs, he placed the duck in a retired spot, and repeated to it a least two hundred times a day a certain air, and the result was that the creature now sings that air with ease and grace, instead of quacking, after the usual absurd fashion of its kind. _  COW/NEWS VER7oII.T.—A Yankee genius out West, conceiving that a little powder thrown upon souse green wood would facilitate its burning, directed a small stream upon the smoking pile and not possessing a hand sufficiently quick to cut this off at a desirable moment, he was blown into pieces. The coroner thus reasoned out the verdict: "It can't be called suicide, because he did not mean to kill himself: it wasn't a visitation of God, because he wasn't struck by lightning ; he didn't die for the want of breath, for he hadn't anything to breathe with. It's plain he didn't know what he writ abcnt, so I shall bring in, "Died for the want of common sense."  Wise—There la no combination of letters in the English language which excites more pleasing and interesting associations in the mind of man than the word toile.. There is magic in this little word. It presents to the mind's eye a cheerful companion, a disinterested adviser, a nurse in sicknee:. a comforter in misfortune, and a faithful and ever affectionate friend. It conjures up the image of a lovely and confiding woman, who cheerfully undertakes to contribute to your happiness, to partake with you the cup, whether of weal or woe, which destiny may offer. This word rife is synonymous with the greatest earthly blessing ; and we pity the unfortunate wight who is condemned, by fate's severe decree, to trudge alopg through life's dull pilgrimage without one. Men spend their lives in trying to understand each other, and, at the close, are compelled to acknowledge ;hat they cannot even understand themNeves. It was a pertinent and forcible saying of John Randolph that "a handsome woman pleases the eye, but a good woman pleases the heart. The one is a jewel and the other a treasure." CoN