Widnes Examiner. — 1892-03-12 (Widnes, Cheshire, England)

BOB'S.  The Yankees lick creation ! They're nod content wi' supplyin' us wi)" Magnets" as prove varra attractive, but neaw they're ackshally bringin' eawt a nyin machine ; an' a scorcher its beawn to be. Aw'm thinkin' o' advertisin' my railway shares (L. an' Y.) nod becoseo' th' divvy bein' low, or on ackeawnt o' th' condition o' th, rowlin' stock, but becose every train, tram, an' booat 'ill be eawt o' date afoore so varra long; there'll be nooan to be sin onywheere, except i' Museums.  --Just think heaw grand id'ill be when we con o' on us fly, like th' butterflees an' birds do,—an' hens an' wasps. There's bin odd times when aw've flown eawt o' th' heawse when th' wife's bed her monkey up, an aw wonst med a chap fly seven or eight yerds ; he'd come to beg a subscription to'rt Booth's querter ov a million peawnd. Aw supplied th' propeller, an' he went off like a shot in deawnward direction ; some fooak wod argy as he were nobbut obeyin' th' laws o' gravitation, but aw tell yo' he flew—an' i sich a way as no amateur fotograffer gcoin' could ha' ten a "instantaneous "on him. Id'ill be nice when th' childer con fly after butterflees, i'stead o' hevin' to chase 'em wi' their jackets as we used to do in owden times ; they'll miss o' th' disadvantages o' th' owd style—sich as bangin' ageean lamp-pooasts, an' missin' catchin' the butteaflee, after o'. • _ .  There's nobbut one thing as puzzles this Yankee inventor, an' it's so little it's herdly wo'th mentionin', but it's th' state o'th air as bothers him aboon a bit; id seems as id owt to be one atom—or a tooa" gigantic atoms "—for good sustainin' peawer, but th' Yankee discovered as it's bin put together wi' miserable looseness. That's a little matter fr Yankee to remedy; he wor'nd present to glum* is vallyable suggestions at th' time o' th' creation, but he con step in neaw wi' his improvements. Yo'll find Professor Langley's idea i• th' "North American Review," (an' rare an' silly stuff id is) an' aw see as the Manchester Literary an' Felosofickle Society's bin discussin' th' subject this week. Well, it's a gret pity they he v'nd summat better to do.  There's varra little as is new i'th pappers this week, so far. There is some unequal sentences repoorted i'th' Liverpool peppers —some as'll nod werk eawt reight by simple proportion, but that's nowt new.  _ Then there's a Inshurance Company bin try n' to wriggle eawt o' nayin a claim, but that's nowt new. _  An there's no end o' suicides, an' child morthers, and some o' them's new, especially them as is traced to lowness o' epirits browt on by Inflooenza. geddin' serious when yo' cum to think o'th number o' ca. E. there's bin, an' heaw Horrible they are; doctors seem to be useless, becose i' one case id were a doctor hissel' as committed suicide.  _ Id proves as fooak as is recoverin' fro' Tnflooenza want keerful nossin%—an' watchin' clooasely. * * *  An' aw see as th' toy revolver noosance is still goin'. Three lads were browt up at Salfoid last Toosda'—two on 'em 16, an' t' other 14 year owd— cherged wi' firm n one P th' streets th' fleet afoore ; they were let off becose their patents promised to give 'ern a good leatherin'. Th' magistrate said ditto to wod aw said a tooathri week sin'; he said "he was sorry there was no Act of Parliament under which he could deal with the prisoners, and he thought the law ought to be so altered as to restrict the indiscriminate sale of these dangerous weapons to mere children and boys. If magistrates had the power to inflict a smart tine—say of £so—upon dealers who sold revolvers and firearms to persons under 20 years of age, it would be of very great service to the community." Every sensible mon an' woman 'll say " ditto."  Just a word or two on theayter gooin'. There's a lot o' fooak—an' varra sensible fooak, too, i' some things—as thinks as gooin' to th' theayter is th' same as gooin' to th' Owd Lad ; an' there's I a lot o' varra sensible fooak as thinks just collywest, Yo' see, th' theayter is nobbut a buildin' med o' I same stuff as yo'r own heawse, or a cherch, but these fooak as thinks play gooin' sich a bad thing argy as it's th' bad fooak yo' meet wi' theere ; well, they met just as weel ax yo' nod to walk through th' street for th' same reason. Then, they say, yo' see an' hear things as isn'd fit to be heeard an' sin, an' childer heal. an' see 'em as wed l ; well, this is them soort o' fooak's own fan't, becose iv nob'dy went to hear an' see sich rubbisn there'd be varra little on 't written. A lot o' these objectors wod sing hymns to th' tune o' "John Breawn's body lies a-mowderin' i• th' grave," but they wodn'd join i' th' chorus o' sich a lively comic song as "Auld Lang Sync." They oiez mek me think o' Macaulay's descri2tion ov a Puritan (stown, aw think, fro' Hume) as bein' a chap as objected to bull-baitin', nod on ackeawnt th. pain as id gi' to th' hull, but on ackeawnt o' the pleasure as id gi' to th' spectator. Eawr stage plays sprung fro' th' owd miracle plays as were fest, played moore nor 700 year sin'; an they're nod o' on 'em eawt o' date yet, for th' Passion Play at Ober-Ammergau draws bigger creawds every time as it's played. Ov coourse there's bin evolution at werk as far as plays goon, an' it's mony a time happened as the waikest hes gooan to th' wo'; but for o' thad he's i' poor health as corn'd see a moral pointed an' a tale adorned in a good play. Avv reckon sich a play as !` Drink " to be a lot better nor a scoore o' teetotal lectures, becose th' audience geds interested i' th' werkin' mon as tawlts teetotalism to his shopmates. an' that's wod they dorn'd olez do wi' a weel-dressed lecturer. Aw reckon to be a owd codger wi' some religion carcase, but aw mon confess as Shakespeare con gi' me moore pleasure nor mooast o' paysons as aw happen to know; an' as for fun—well, a young chap'll find "The Gav'tior " heattier nor kliss-F-th'-ring, an " Dorothy " better nor sich childish tackle as "Shy widow" and "French tig."