The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle. — 1876-04-29 (Stourbridge, West Midlands, England)

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.  An old maid, speaking of marriage, says it is like any other disease—where there's life there's hope. A Yankee out West says, if "time is money," he is willing to exchange a little of his for cash. When two women in a family are trying to tell the same thing at the same time, it is an auspicious opportunity for the men folks to vanish. We learn from the New Orleans Republican that kettled rum entertainments are popular in Southern Society. "Carrie," said be, dreamily, contemplating her coil, "how beautiful—how very beautiful is your hair I Where did you get it?" A " sufferer" at an American hote says, "The flies come down to breakfast at the sound of the gong." A lady says there are more superfluous men than women, and the rest of her sex would like to know where they are. A beautiful young actress is described by an American witic as having a face a painter might dwell upon. What a delightful residence I The young 'ladies of Chicago have recently established a " personal beauty league." The objects of the society are not stated.  An Alabama paper publishes the following notice "Married at Flintstone, by the Rev. Windttone, Mr. Nehemiah Sandstone and Miss Wilhelmlna Egglestone, both of Limestone."  A philosopher being asked what was the first thing necessary toward winning th 3 love of a woman, answered, "An opportuuity."  The individual who called tight boots comfortable defended his position by saying they made a man forget all his other miseries.  The following obituary notice of a distinguished citizen is from a Western paper :—" Peter Ink, an 'Old citizen of Knox county, Ohio, was blotted out the other day, aged 75."  Before his marriage Brougue praised the artistic manner in which his wife "banged" her hair. Now he corn plains of the cruel manner in which she bangs his head. The second night after her first husband died she sat by the open chamber window five hears waiting for the cats to begin fighting in the back yard. Said she: "This thing of going to sleep without a quarrel of some kind is so new that I can't stand it? Let me alone till they begin ; then 1 can dose off gently?  Yesterday the blush of health was upon her cheek, and the light of a happy spirit in her eye ; to-day, as she sits apart, looking as yellow as saffron, and feeling as sullen as a mud-turtle, he asks her tenderly what ails her, aud she answers sharply, "Mince pie, you idiot." The boys of Winnemucca., Nevada, bad some fun with a showman. They formed a line from the ticket office extending around a near corner. Each asked the price of admission, and, when being told that it was fifty cents, shook his head, said it was too dear, retired, and fell in the rear of the line. This was kept up until the showman, astounded by the unanimity, and the seemingly great numbers, reduced the charge, and then every boy cleared out. The Detroit Post publishes the following significant notice ;—" Gentlemen and ladies contemplating suicide by drowning will confer a favour upon the harbour master and coroner by leaving word at the central station what dock they intend jumping from. The harbour master is now provided is ith a handsome new drag aud set of grappling-hooks, and is prepared to bring up dead bodies with neatness and despatch." "Our lynx-eyed assistant A late -Chicago Pest says: reports this morning Last 1,743 people slipped down yesterday on the perfidious sidewalks Of these 1,148 were men, 403 women, and 200 miscellaneous. The table shows that over ISO landed on their elbows; the others sat down. Of the entire number, 1,742 of them swore-131 audibly." An inhabitant of a New York suburb, after spending a convivial evening, was discovered among the carrots and cabbages of his humble garden, wrapped in slumber. "Well, Bill,' said an admiring friend, as he shook the prostrate youth, "what are you doing out here?" —" Watching for a hen that's stole her nest," was the sententious answer.— "But what are your eyes shut for, Bill? "--,, Don't want the old hen to see me," gruffly ieplied the sleeping philosopher. A tall, slim friend of a New York editor is in trouble. He wants to know what character to assume at a masquerade The editor advises him to chalk his head and go as a btliiard-cue. Or he might braid his legs and go as a whip-lash. Or he might swallow himself round and round a few dozen time and go as a roll of tape. Or he might wrap himself in the American Mg, and go as a barber-pole. Or let him brhtle his hair up and go as a whitewash-brush. (Jr he might put an insulator in his mouth, and go as a telegraphpole. Or, if he waked on his hands, he might go as a palr of scissora. itec,litly an Indiana schoolmistress attempted to whip a big boy after school, when he threw his arms about her and kissed her, and got off without a licking. Another boy in an.other town read this item, and thought he'd try the same thing. He threw his arms about the schoolma'am and kissed her, and then he became aware of an earthquake. hoe floored him and thrashed him awfully. This ecbonima'm had a grown-up beau of her own: that was the difference. Killing storik recklessly is a common charge against railroads in new countries, where there are usually no fenced pastures and no fences to railroads, and every company has an account, sometimes quite formidable, of expenses for stock kilted. But the Chicago Railroad Gazette "never heard that stoce-raistug is prevented by radroaos until this st eek, when it was reported that the Atchison, Topeka, and saitt 4 14 Railroad hid killed t:he entire stack of cattle in a whole county on its extension. And yr t this c.nepauy is trying to settle the country on its line by recommending its advantages for stock-raising. (The stock ol the county referred to cansinted of one cow.)"  The Queen arrived at Portsmouth at three o'clock on Saturday. Her Majeaty landed at tour o'clock, and proceeded by special train to Windsor, where she arrived a nal° before seven o'clock.