The Birkenhead News and Wirral General Advertiser. — 1885-01-31 (Birkenhead, Merseyside, England)

FACETH.  . -The beer mug is only dangerous when it troths at the month. Why should sportsmen not get tired on the Ist September? Because it is always • " bracing " day. This notice is conspicuously hung up in a Texas saw mill :—" Notis—Doant munky with the bus saw when In oshun." The ballet.girle of Paris are now on strike. Poor things! we suppose they want enough money to buy clothes. The footprints that were left in the sands of time were not made by Louis XV. heeled boots. Don't forget that girls. Eighteen months' imprisonment for stealing an umbrella is the way they take the pleasure out of a man's life in England. "When I was very young," remarked the , late M. Thiers once, ' I was so little that I needed a pole to knock down the strawberries. A Philadelphia mule has killed a mad dog, but it is a matter of doubt whether a mule or a mad dog is the safest thing to have around. Josh Billings remarks in his philosophisino —" A reputation once broken may possibly be repaired, but the world will always keep their eyes on the spot where the krack wuss.' "It is said that the laws of this State very elosely resembles sausages, says the Syracuse Herald, S.N.Y.•' "you have just respect for them until you know how they are made." Oscar Wilde should set himself up as a patent medicine doctor. He has the hair for it, and a barrel of bad gin and a gallon of bitters will furnish the medicine.  The young woman who sneeringly remarks that men are all alike generally shows her sincerity by taking the first man that offers himself to her. A clergyman at St. Joe, Mo., tells his people that he would as soon see them playing poker as base-ball. He says that Satan keeps the score. This is a fearful dig at the reporters. " Dear me !" said Mrs. Partington, the other day "young girls nowadays are not what their mothers used to be. Half of them are sufferers from nervous perspiration ' A little boy who has been used to receiving his elder brother's old ties and old clothes recently remarked—" Ma, will I have to marry his widow when he dies ?" When his cousin Annie got angry and told of the alleged mean way in which he had treated her, Fogg simply remarked that it was an Annie mad version, and he had nothing to say. The regular gamblers being too strong to be put down, Chicago is now endeavouring to suppress prize packages of candy and tea. This vice has not yet entered into politics, and can be handled. "When I have a cold in my head," said gentleman apologetically, " I am always stupid." "I have never seen him when he hadn't just such a cold," whispered a third party in an aside. St. Louis has two pretty homceopathic 'physicians. Their first patient! was a man who said he had the neuralgia from too much kissing, and wanted to be treated on homccopathie principles. Rev. Joseph Cook is lecturing in Australia. Mr. Cook will be remembered as a Boston gentlemen who gave the plan upon which the universe was created his personal indorsement. They were talking about beauty the other evening, when Miss S. remarked—" Well, say what you will, homely people are almost always unusually bright." Miss B. (sotto voce)—" The egotist." "Yes," said Fogg, "I used to believe everything ; was the most cre,lalous fellow alive. But," he added, "since I have had this confounded sore throat, it is hard for me to swallow anything. An lowa judge refused a woman a divorce which she wanted because her husband kissed the pretty servant. He said she ought to be thankful that her husband had found a way to keep a servant girl. Little Bobbie, who talks slang for the whole family, said to his father—" There are fixed stars, ain't there, papa?" To which his father replied "Yes, Bobbie." And then the young rascal asked—" Are they well fixed, papa ?" A nice judge, when asked why he had allowed a totally unnecessary female witness to take the stand and testify, said—" I knew that it was not necessary, but I saw that she had a new bonnet and was striving to show it." Student wants to know what kind of a bird was the dodo? From the fact that the species is entirely extinct, we suppose it was the fabled spring chicken, of which we still hear so often, and see so never.  Nearly 400 people committed suicide this year "on account of the weather, and it did not seem to improve the weathers particle."— Burlington Halal:eye. Let us hope, however, that these hundred people were satisfied after jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.— Bowen Dranscript. ABOUT Sruncrso.—Tyndall's theory that heat is simply motion in another form must be true. Strike a piece of iron and it becomes hot. Strike a man and he immediately boils over. There is, however, one exception to this rule. Strike a warm friend for a short loan and he at once becomes as cold as an iceberg. "Children," said a la-da-dah Boston school examiner, after hearing some essays read, "Children, you should never use a preposition to end a sentence with.' "Isn't 'with' a preposition," asked the girl whose composition gave rise to this correction. The la-da-dah school examiner with-ered.