Widnes Examiner. — 1896-02-08 (Widnes, Cheshire, England)

POLITE TRAMP.—Judge : "What is your name?" Tramp: "Allow me to exchange cards with your honour." " BRIDGET, did you hear me call?" "Yes, mum, but you told me the other day never to answer you hack." A COLLEGE Student is reported as saying that on the whole he rather enjoys his studies. They furnish a needed relaxation from his athletic work. "WHAT kind of a memory have you?" "Bad —very bad." "In what particular?" "It remembers things that were better forgotten." : "Mabel, tell me, do you love me ? " She: "Yes, darling; I would die for you." He: "No, dear ; I prefer your hair as it is at present." PARENT : "This is your birthday, Tommy. 'What can I do for you that will cause you pleanure ?" Tommy : "Spank Johnny!" WIGGLE: "How long did you know your wife before you married her, Satupon ? " Satupon (mournfully) : "I didn't know her at all till I married her."  -- - - - - - - - - IT is astonishing how much scorn, indignation, and contempt a woman can put into two words. If you do not believe it, just listen while she speaks of someone she dislikes us "that man."  - TOM: "has Harry paid you that money he borrowed? ' Dick: "No, and I don't care if he never does" Tom: "You don't?" Dick: "No. I have the fun of seeing him trying to avoid meeting me." A BICYCLE dealer has utilised the happy thought of presenting a pair of crutches and a box of court plaster to each purchaser of a bicycle. He is monopolising the trade. A GOOD story is told of the Indians, who replied 'when a missionary asked them if they were willing to abstain from work on Sunday: "Yes, and not only on Sunday, but on all other days as well." ACCORDING to an old-superstition of the mediwval Church, whenever a cock crows a lie is being told. The reason that cocks crow so persistently in the early morning is because the morning papers are 'being set up. "THERE are two things," remarked Fogg, in a contemplative mood, "that I don't understand. Ons of these is, how the world got along before I came into it; and the other, how it is going to get along after I have left it." DAWKINS : "I was a great friend of your late husband. Have you any little thing of his you could let me have to remind me of him?" Disconsolate widow: "What's the matter with me?" Exit Dawkins. MOTHER: "Johnny on your way home from school stop at the shop and get me a sugarstick and a bar of soap." Father: "What do you want with a sugarstick ? " Mother: " That's so he'll remember the soap ! " THE trouble with a young fellow in love is, that he imagines everybody else is in love with the girl too; while, very likely, no one but himself ever  looks at her. ALGY : " Weginald, what did you say, you know, when you were pwesented to the Pwinee of Wales?" Reginald (American dude, who'd been presented to H.R. : "Why, deah boy, the first thing I did was to apologise for the Amewican Wevolution." FRANK: "I hear that young Simpkins started to commit suicide when his girl jilted him. Did he carry out his intention ? ' Jack: "No. He met another girl on the way, and fell in love with her."  UNDERSTOOD THE Sic.—Hostess: "Why do the Chinese cripple the feet of their girl babies so inhumanly ? " Traveller : "To save their darlings lifelong suffering." " How can it?" "When Chinese girls grow up they are able to wear small shoes without torture." A SMALL Boys VlEWS.—Mother: "There goeS another one of those dirty tramps. I can't see why they don't kevp clean." Small Son: " Mebby w'en they was little their mothers made them wash so often they got tired of it." JAKE : "Here's an advertisement in th' paper fer that dog you found. The man wot owns him offers a reward." Jim: "how d'ye know it's a man?" Jake " Th' paper says no questions asked." A COUNTRY lady, who was recently in London, astounded a female pickpocket, who, in an omnibus, had thrust her hand into the lady's pocket, by turning and coolly inquiring, "Why do you put your hand in my pocket, when I have my purse here in my hand ?"