The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle. — 1878-09-07 (Stourbridge, West Midlands, England)

JOCULAR CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN  PAPERS.  An American General, in pitching into a military opponent, exclaimed, "Why, his sword was never drawn but once, and that was in a rage ! "  A paper published in Florida says :—" A new and commodious dog-house was recently finished in this city for the accommodation of one of our leading citizens." A New York editor says of a friend, that "he had an attack of typhus fever, which was so severe that, during the whole time of its continuance, he did not enjoy a single day of good health." That is the way typhus always affects its victims in this locality.  A loving wile's postscript to a letter addressed to her husband, who had taken a pleasure trip to New York: —" Dear William, I have perused the police reports and morgue returns every day, hoping to see your name." An Illinois girl couldn't secure a certificate as a school-teacher because she couldn't tell the commlttee why the hind-wheels of a carriage were the largest.  A Philadelphia judge rejected a juror the other da merely because he had been in the penitentiary for assaul and battery, manslaughter, grand larceny, and highway robbery. A young lady hesitating for a word in describing the character of a rejected suitor, said: "Eels not a tyrant, not exactly domineering, but—" "Dogmatic," suggested her friend. "No; he has not dignity enough for that; I think pupmatic would convey my meaning admirably." The Massachusetts papers are discussing the question, "May cousins marry ? ' We should hope so. We don't see why a cousin hasn't as good a right to marry as a brother or an uncle or a son or sister. The colour of a girl's hair is regulated by the father's cash status. You never heard a rich girl described as "with red hair."  Five thousand broom-handles a day are made in Shiocton, Wis., and the married male Shioctoner never stays out at night longer than nine o'clock  A New York boy, five years of age, having stolen a can of milk, his mother took him to task with moral suasion, and wound up her discourse by exclaiming, "What in the world were you going to do with the milk, anyhow 2 "—" I was going to steal a little dog to drink it I" was the crushing reply.  W young lady in Indiana committed suicide the other day. Her last words were, "I did it because I did It." 'Yet, notwithstanding this lucid statement, a great many people are still in doubt as to why she did do it.  "Gentlemen of the jury," said a New York judge, trying a prisoner for murder, "they say that the fact of the prisoner's killing his sweetheart shows that he was insane. Merciful powers! gentlemen, if that be so, what would they have said if he had married her 1"  A Yankee editor, puffing off air-tight coffins said, "No person having once tried one of these air-tight coffins will ever use any other."  A mother's love never changes. When a young man in Europe wrote home to his mother in St. Louis that he was about to go from Nancy to Ems, she exclaimed in a transport that the dear boy hadn't altered a bit, but was now, she knew, as fond of the girls as ever. -  Oh, yes! says the American Rochefoucauld. Youth is full of grandeurs, generosities, independencies of spirit, dm. but it is curious how many of these somebody, perhaps no longer young, often has to pay for.  An old Grecian philosopher advises all men to know themselves. The American Rochefoucauld on the contrary suggests that people should shun disreputable acquaintances  It having been stated that a General Hooker was Immensely rich by the death of his Mexican wife, a newspaper replied as follows :-Ist. General Hooker's wife was not rich. 2nd. She was not a Mexican. 3rtl. She is not dead. 4th. General Hooker never had a wife ."  At the close of the sitting of the Illinois House of Representatives, the clerk read the following :—" I am 'requested to announce that the Rev. Doctor McFarland will deliver a lecture this evening In this hall on the 'Education ot Idiots.' Members of the Legislature are invited to attend."  •An American preacher, in his address to earnest young men, recently said, "Never fear, young man, never falter. Press forward with living courage burning in your heart; there's room in the top." No. 2,839, five stories beyond the elevator, right under the tin roof, thermometer 129 in a cool place, no fire escape, no bell, no water in the pitcher, only one towel and no soap, and the only window in the room opening into a dark hall. Yes, young man, there's always room at the top, and the dustier you are, and the more weary and travel worn you look, the more absolutely certain is the clerk to send you there.  An Arkan as Elder Knapp, while baptieing converts at a revival meeting, advanced with a wiry, sharp•eyed old chap into the water. He asked the usual question whether there was any reason why the ordinary baptism should not not be administered. After a pause atoll, powerful looking man, aith an et) e like a blaze, who was leaning on a long rifle and looking quietly on, remarked, "Elder, I don't want to interfere in yer business any, but I want to say that is an old sinner you have got hold of, and that one dip won't do him ply good. If you wanS to got thin out ot him hal* tto anchor him out in aft, Vista OM night."  glisallantous andelliffente,