Widnes Examiner. — 1892-03-05 (Widnes, Cheshire, England)

SCENE—A fashionable West-End shop. Enter a lady of title, addressing a shop-walker—" I wish to exchange something I bought yesterday." 1 "Yes, madam. Do you remember whether you I were attended by the gentleman with the dark moustache or the gentleman with the light beard?" "Oh, neither I It was the nobleman with the bald head." "MAMMA," said a little girl, "as people get-old does their hair grow quarrelsome ?" "Why no, my child I What ever put such a notion in your head "I thought it must be so, ma, because I heard that old people's hair is constantly falling -out I" A GREEN reporter, in describing a case of what he called "attempted suicide," said: "The poor wretch put a ball through his breast, but failed in his suicidal purpose, although his Wound proved mortal the next rmorning." "FATHER," said a cobbler's boy, as he was pegging away at an old shoe, "they say that the fish are biting good, now." "Never you mind," responded the oid man: "you just stick to your work and they won't bite you." DURING an election, a temperance candidate called upon a turn-Seller and solicited his vote. "I would rather vote for the Evil One himself than for you," was the savage response. "Yes, I know," said the candidate, "but in case your friend should not be nominated, might I then count on your assistance?" A MAN in Pawtucket, It. 1., who tends a railroad crossing, owns a dog which, at the approach of a train, will seize the red signal flag in his teeth, and running out, vigorously shake it to warn passers-by. As the dog is not liable to get drunk and leave a switch misplaced, he receives us  _ salary. "GERMANY," says the Norristown Herald, "has just discovered a buried forest in her midst, supposed to be ten thousand years old. If the man who lost it had advertised in the Norristown Herald, the chances are that it 'would have been returned to him the same evening. AN inveterate old chicken-thief in Alabama, who had a marvellous faculty for gliding out of a close eorner, was at last caught with a chicken in his hat. He denied the stealing of it, and on being asked how then it got into his hat, he solemnly said: " Dat merster, is jes' what 'stonishes me; but fore de Lord, I 'specs it mus' hab crawled up my breeches leg 1" THE late Sam Phillips, the author of "Essays from the Times," one day met Douglas Jerrold, and told him he had seen, the day before, Payne Collier, looking wonderfully young and well— quite an evergreen. " Ah," said Jerrold, "he may I be evergreen, but he's never red (read)." On my repeating this to Hicks, he smiled and said, "Now that's what I call ready wit.'" ARTEMCS WARD used to tell of an adventure he had in Boston which resulted as follows—"I returned in the horse-cars part way. A purty young girl in spectacles sot near me, and was tellin a young man how he reminded her of a young man she used to know in Warltham. Party soon the young man got out, and, smilin, in a seductive manner, I said to the girl in spectacles, Don't I remind you of somebody you used to know?"Yes'. said she, 'you do, remind me of one man, but he was sent to the penitentiary for steafin' a barrel of mackerel; he died there, t-o I conclood you ain't him.' I didn't pursue the conversation." OF Alexander Henderson, the celebrated divine 1 (the leading clergyman of the Church of Scotland during the early p irt of the civil war, when clergymen were almost all statesmen), the Episcopalians tell the following traditionary anecdote :—When Charles I. was confined in Carisbrook Castle, he was attended by Mr. Henderson, whoesvas the only divine of the Scottish Church whom this unfortunate monarch could ever bear to be in his presence. Mr. Henderson used to entreat that the King would permit him to pray before bin, ; but the King, ! who was extremely averse to extemporaneone prayers, constantly refused that favour, telling 1 Mr. Henderson that he had chaplains of his own, and did not require any other help in the performance of his spiritual exercises. At length the Preshy tei Jan dlviue entreated permission BO warmly that Charles did consent to give him a hearing. Before the commencement, however, of the prayer, His Msjesty eaussd stn amanuensis to take his station behind the arras, aud commit to paper, in shorthand, a correct copy of all that Mr. llenderson should say. This was done; and in the course of a few days, Charles took out a paper from his pocket, and Fending it to Air. Henderson, asked what he thought of this religious rhapsody. "Why," ans wered the divine, after having perused the paper deliberately, " this is a tissue of rank blasphemy." "' replied Charles, "I assure , you, Mr. Henderson, upon my faith as a Christian, ' and my honour as a King, that hi your own prayer 1" Orr course no woman ever did such a thing; t were, that ;brno! suppose now, for the sake of ergument, a that a woman were to go to church for the purpose of showing oil her new Banque, would it be no religious, so to speak