The Warwickshire Herald. — 1891-05-28 (Birmingham, West Midlands, England)

WHY HE WAS BALD.  It was a Southern town, and while not over. grown, there seemed to be plenty of activity. Happening to pick up a copy of one of the two week. lies published there, and finding nothing in the shape of "items" in the local columns, I was led to wonder what sort of newspaper men the editors were. Meeting one of them the same day I asked. "Doesn't anything ever happen here?" "Heaps," he replied. "There must be runaways, rows, dog fights, fires, and accidents."  "Certainly." "And are you too lazy or too short•handed tO gather and publish the details?" "Sir, every community has its particular idioms, and they do not always appear on the surface. Sup pose, for instance, there should be a runaway on this street. I write and publish the facts. TIN paper is hardly out when old Bile Smith, owner of the team, comes in and says: "'Look-a-yere Kurnel, you're a liar! Them hain't bay mewls at all, but one is sorrel and 'tothes cl'ar white. Stop my durn paper jess as quick u ye can !" "And he has no sooner departed than in comes Pranks, the grocer, to say: "'See hayar, Kurnel, bait' this sort o' low jowls P Them mewls of Smith started from in front of my grocery, and you took good keer tc work around it. 'Praid it might advertise me, eh? Jess you stop my paper, right off sudden!' "And I haven't got his name crossed off the books when in comes Major Bliss to call out: "Reckon you haven't started out to commit suicide, Kurnel. Got through with this town, ehl Called in to stop my paper, sah! In that itemc about the mewhi you say they narrowly missed my buggy, gall. Why, sah, they smashed the off-hind wheel all to pieces, sah, and it will cost me eight dollars to get a new one. Yom didn't keer to say so, because I didn't order it in at regular advertis. log rates. Stop my paper, ash, stop it!' "And after him," continued the editor, as he looked out of the window in a gloomy way, "would come four or Ave others, all hurt in their feelings in some way, and I'd lose a dozen subscribers by the one item. It will be still worse if I publish an account of a row or dog fight, and yet worse if—" At that moment a man entered with & dark look OD his face, and struck out with: "Kurnel, I jess dean' want yo' paper any mon In this yere item 'bout my ba'n burning up you state that it was insured. That's a reflection, ash, I reflection on my character. I have already been asked if I set it afire to get the insurance. Keep fo paper sah ! It ain't reliable, sah!"  "Mamma," said Miss Gilton, "I have noticed I peculiar ring in Herbert's voice when he speaks to me." "Indeed! Observe carefully, and see whether It bears any resemblance to an engagement ring." Old General Sherman told good stories, and here is one of them When I was with the army in Georgia, a slave owner one Christmas missed a fat turkey. He suspected a fine-looking coloured mau and had him brought before him. "You have stolen my turkey and eaten it," said the irate master. "Die not rifle to say I didn't when you says I did, mama." "I ought to do something to you. What have you got to say why I should not punish you?" "Well, mama, rou hadn't los' anything particular. You see, you sad a little less turkey and a good deal more diger." He let him go unpunished. sesame branch ot the Jewish Convalescent Home, founded at Norwood rime 20 years ago in memory of Judith, Lady Montellore, was opened at West Brighton on Sunday. It affords accommodation for 22 inmates. An in-patient at the County Flospital,York, named Holmes, last week made a savage attack on one of the nurses with a pocket-knife. He stabbed his victim in the eye and she lies in a precarious con. dition. It is supposed that the man is suffering from mental derangement.