Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1889-06-29 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

BAT. on being told the other day that there was a penny off the loaf, wanted to know if it WRS off the penny loaf. Tux art of living easily with regard to money is to pitch your Reale of tiring :tt least one degree below your means. Tux reason why the world isn't better is not boaause df the few faults we have, but because our neighbours have so many. " Ms dear," he said, "what is the difference between in4euione and ingenuous?" The difference between u and i, iny love," she replied.  " TILL me, Thomas, bow many voyages round the world did Captain Cook make ?'' "Three." "Correct, and ou which of these voyages was he killed ?"  r•l'.l.rAsx to give me something, sir," said an old woman. "1 hada blind child. He was my only means of sobBistenoe, and the poor boy has recovered his sight." A STRANGER to law courts hearing a Judge calling a sergeant " brother " expressed his surprise. "Oh," said one present, "they are brothers—brothers-in-law."  A LADY who was a member of a class studying art ooncluded a recitation on lienjamm liaydon by stating that " towards the close of his life he committed suicide." 1r was pretty nearly 11-30 p.m. when he bean to sing, "Row can I leave thee ?" to big beet girl. Pretty soon her papa came down stairs, and he found oat how easy it was. A mysarom. paper says that a wedding was recently celebrated in that city in which both bride and groom were deaf mutes. The newly-wedded pair are no doubt unspeakably  happy. IN a Peshawar cemetery in India is the following epitaph; Sacred to the memory of Rey.--, Missionary, aged--, mardere,l by his chowkidAr. Well nous, thou good and faithful servant.' "  " Wint, fs.rraer, you told as your wood was a good place for hunting. Now, we've tramped throw* it for three hoursand found no game." "Just so. Well, I suppose, as a general thing, the less game there is the more huntingyou have."  Inr. American Government, having threatened to proceed rigorously against those who refused to pay the assessed taxes, offered to them a remission of one-fourth. "This at least," said a sufferer, " way be called giving them some quarter." A rAcsuos said to his barber, " Now corn's cheap, you ought to shave for half price." "Can't, Mr Jones." said the man of rarore. "I really ought to charge more: for when corn's down farmers make such long faces I have twice the ground to go over." "So you've got a wiie :" said Jones to a newly-married man. "Don't know, don't know," replied the mart, with evident hesitation. "Sometimes I think she's got me. You see, I've only been married a few months, and I can't tsli just yet how the blamed combination is going to turn out." WIYE : "My dear, I don't know what I am going to do; the company is only half served, and the refreshments are given out." Hubby: "Well, if Browne is here we are perfectly safe." Wife: " But I don't sec how it is going to remedy the difficulty." Hubby "Why, get him to read that theory ot his on Coming Man,' and you will see the guests disappear like smoke."  " OH. George," she exclaimed, catching her breath, as she gazed out to sea, "there seems to b 3 no limit t old Neptune's broad expanse; and the waves, George, bow playfully they gambol along the shore !" " The waves are very foolish, dear," said George, with a sigh. "flow foolish ?" "To gambol whore there is no limit."  IA COUPLE of countrymen went into the • General Post Office to send a telegram, without having any clear idea as to how it would be transmitted. The message was taken, and I , just as the pair were leaving the big bell of • St. Paul's struck one. Whereupon one of the rustics gave a jump, saying, "By Jingo, there it goes, Jim." AN old millionaire refused point blank to i lend fifty pounds to a bosom friend. " Well, !I did not expect that of yon," said the would'he borrower, rising and preparing to leave indignantly. "I will never forgive you for this refusal." "Of course you won't, my dear fellow," replied the screw, with the utmost calmness, "but if I'd leat you the fifty pounds you wouldn't have paid me, and we should have quarrelled about that, so it's as wall to get the rdw over at once. Good i i morning." IA