The Blackpool Herald. — 1877-12-28 (Blackpool, Lancashire, England)

ISTISSAS READINGS.  • PLAIN ENGLISH. In a country like England, where words are more respnted and feared than deed —where spades ere not objected t 1 as-long as they are notcalled spades, and where the term spade is objected to whether it, represents the thing spade or not, it is the duty of every rightly constituted being to throw as much light as possible on the English language."' The poor clown who wallows in the sawdust of the circus cannot, of course, be expected, in this particular, to, rival the usefulness of the bishop in the pulpit ; butj as one bishep,, in financial value, is equal to fifty! clowns, so one cloWn may be regarded as equal to the fiftieth part of a bishop. If one grain of wheat is in a bushel of chaff. the bushel of chaff has not been collected in vain, and in the hope that this one grain Of wheat may be discovered in the following definitions, they are now put forward as a Contribution to a new philosophical dictionary. Olient.—One who knows his case. Attorney.—One who has to be taught by the client. Barrister.—One who has to be taught by attorney. ..Toflge.—One who has to be taught by the barrister. Jury. —A body that has to be taught by the judge. Oath.—A ceremony invented to save men of honour from the necessity of telling the truth. Bail—An invention to save rich criminals from the grip of justice. Deteuti,ve.,—A man who receives three pounds a week, and is expected to show intelligence honesty that would be cheap at twenty. Land.—Almoet the only property which, men may steal without being transported or . caste. Annexation. —A fine, 'word for robbery of this charactet. Missionary.—The pioneer of annexation. Workhouse.—A terminus for third-class pas sengers. liospitaL—A workshop for repairing Nature's slopwork. Indigestion.—The Divine Aliatug. Dyspeps*—The punishment of prosperity. Education.—A little rowing and less Greek. Tea.—The dissipation of the temperate. Drunkenness.—The most profitathe Ace that a Chancellor of the Exchequer has to deal with. M.P. —An amateur legislator who has passed an apprenticeship to his business. Laws.—Amateur regulations made by the aforesaid legislator for the Government of the Universe. -Government.—The blue bottles on a chariotwheel.  Tory.—A. rich Liberal. Liberal.—A poor Tory. . Demagogue.—A word used to frighten naught), ' - Tories who refuse to say their Conservative dommunist.—A much abused Frenchman who asked for Local Self-Geverwment. Vestryman.—A statesmen in the wrong place. Statesman.—A vestryman in the wrong place. ' Abdication.—A polite word always used to conceal the fact that an unpopular monarch has been kicked downstairs. Empress.—Queen in two syllables. • Music-hall—A term of retroach applied to the chosen nursery of the British rams.. Burlesqophobia.—A new disease which has seized dramatic critics and caused them to rave about high art. Legitimate Drama. —A drama whose authors are dead, and whose copyrights have expired. Chanaberlain.—A funettonary in England who - - Court Millinery and Dramatic Literature. .—An instrument of torture invented by builders. . Dry Wine.—Physic in a convivial bottle. Nuisance.—Anything which I detest and you ISrobably adore. Panic.—An attempt on the part of insolvent debtors to make the Government pay their debts. Telegraphic Cable—Three millions' worth of wire, with a oheap clerk at one end and a " street Arab" 'at the other. Channel Boat.—A vessel built to diminish the distance oetween pitch and toss and manslaughter. Figures. —lnstruments given to us to conceal the date of our affairs. Histery.—One side of a question. Hydrophobia. —A peculiar kind 6f Miictesti A and'eauses them to kill dogs. Jrey Hair.L-A boon given by nature to Suicide.—The wanton destruction of a tax-payer. Murder..—The same. ,Rule Britannia.—A term which has cost England 'more than eight hundred millions sterling. , JOHN HOLLINGSURAD, in Mirth'