Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1868-04-03 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

AND HUMOUR.  • An Imperious Car.—The sheriff.  A Wuinau's Cause fur all her Actium—Because.  On the • Square:—The First Life Guards.—Fists. -Fun.  Not for Larnbeth.—The New Cut—Fillet de Cheval. —lbid.  ,:uperfluotp= Sporting Intelligence. Woodcock's little gam.—/bid When can Donkey be spelt with one letter 7—When it's U!  Musical Con.—How many musidal strains does it take to burst a singer ? A Question for the Meteorological Society.—When rain falls, does it ever get up again ? What Vote the Manager of a Theatre Always Has. The ' casting ' vote.—Punclt. Obvious.—The Lawyers" long vacation ' is so called because it is not a ief How would you measure your lover's sincerity ?—By his sighs.  When we make au idol of a woman, she usually becomes idle.  Mem. by our Medico.—The man who drinka limejuice plays his stomach a scurvy trick. • Nat, what are you leaning over that empty cask for ?'—` I'm mourning over departed spirits.' It is well that virtue is its own reward, for it rarely obtains any other When does an art'st appear most thoroughly miserable ?—When he draws a long face. Advice to Old Bachelors who Dye their Hair.— Keep it dark.' Why is a Red Indian like kwaterwan?—Because he feathers his skull.  When is a little poem like an acre of land unpaid for ?—When it is anaereontic (an acre on tick). To fatten a thin baby, throw it out of the window and it will come down plump. Spicy. —Tifftoff—a swell and no:mistake—so identifies himself with the tinge of his irreproachable whiskers that he actually walks gingerly.—Fun. Those who support ritualism contend very plausibly that all they desire in church matters is to have their rites.  Condensed Methuselah.—The Rev. Dr. Chapin says that a man living amid the activities of the nineteenth century is a condensed Methuselah. There is an excellent French saying, ' I do not on. derstand suicide. Life is too short for one to have time for impatience with it.'  Why is a young lady who has just left boarding school like a building committee ?-13ecau8e she is ready to receive proposals. What is the difference between Noah's ark and an archbishop ?—Notih's ark was a very high ark, but an archbishop is an hierarch (higher ark). The governor of a country prison when asked how many he could hang on his new drop, replied, ' Why, sir, we can hang six; but can hang four comfortably It A gentleman, walking with two ladies, stepped on a hogshead hoop, that flew up and struck him in the face. 'Good gracious!' said he, 'which of you dropped that?' My dear,' said a gentleman to a young lady whom he hoped to marry, do you intend to make a fool of me?'—' No,' replied the lady, Nature has saved me the trouble.'  An Irish dragoon, on hearing that his widowed mother had married since he quitted Ireland, exclaimed, Murther ! I hope she won't have a son oulder than me ; if she does, I shall lose the estate.' That was a horrible affair,' said a gentleman in company, the murder of Dean, and the sealing up of his remains in a tin box What Dean ? asked half a dozen voices at once. ' Sar Dean,' replied the wag. A young la,ly while on her way to be married was run over awl killed. A confirmed old maid savagely remarked, She has avoided a more lingering and horrible fate.'  A French wit says that the gibbet is a species of flattery to the human race. Three or four persons are hung from time to time for the purpose of making the re,t believe that they are virtuous.  When a young gentleman kisses a young lady, she very naturally says, 'Oh, Dick, the idea !' And he, also naturally, replies, ' No, love; not the eye, dear; but the cheek, dear.' Which is perfectly true.  A Grand Invention.—' Educational pianofortes' are advertised. The most suitable piece for performance on these instructive instruments will be the 'march of intellect.'—Pnnch.  Schlickum and Stickum.—General Hancock has appointed one Schlickum a collector and accessor We have several collectors and mew-ors in this latitude called Stick-um.—American Paper.  A-head.—A rural exhibitor says he has enlarged his establishment, and now keeps a head of oxen, a head of hen, and several head of cabbage, while he is also trying to keep a-head of the times. A Connecticut Yankee has cleared his house of rats by catching one and dipping him in red paint. He then let him loose, and the other rats, not liking his looks, left immediately. A New York Sabbath school teacher asked a young pupil the meaning of ' the wages of sin is death.' The boy did not know what wages were, and was asked what his father got on Saturday night Drunk,' was the answer. Delicate Instrument.—A gentleman residing in the neighbourhood of the city possesses a piano of such excessive delicacy, that it has been known, when its owner was in difficulties, to go to a pawnbroker's and instantly fetch five pounds. I Give Thee All.'—A stingy husband threw all the blame of the lawlessuesss of his children in company by saying his wife always 'gives them their own way.'— Poor things,' was her prompt reply; it's all I have to give them.' A Doctor of Divinity.—' I am attending a lady who is a perfect goddess of beauty,' remarked Dr. &Tubbs to Dr. Hobbs. Then,' said Hobbs, who was clever at repartee, you are no longer a medico, but a Doctor of Divinity.' Why they affer. A facetious boy asked one of his playmates how a hardware dealer differed from a bootmaker. The latter, somewhat puzzled, gave it up. ' Why, because the one sold nails, and the other nailed soles, was the reply. A lady, who affects great learning and classicality of speech, and whose knowledge of language is rather limited, alluding to the speech of one of the newly. elected members of Parliament, said it was very spirited and classical in style, but rather too ad daptrapandum.'  Sterne, who used his wife very ill, was one day talking to Garrick in a fine, sentimental manner, in praise of conjugal love and fidelity. The husband,' said Sterne, 'who behaves unkindly to hi wife, deserves to have his house burnt over his head Jf you think so,' said Garrick, I hope your house is insured.'