The Dewsbury Chronicle, and West Riding Advertiser. — 1894-01-20 (Dewsbury, West Yorkshire, England)

FUNNY GOOSE STORY.  John Kent tells somo amusing stories of Tom Goodisson, a famous jockey at the beginning of the ceutury, in this month's "Beily." Tom was quite unrivalled as a practical jeacer. One day he was out as usual after wild geese, and., being unsuocestul, he vatnt into the Bell Inn, at Kennett, for some refreshment. There he met a strange g entiemau, who had been. more fortunate than hires( lf in killing an unusually fine goose, which he had (Wised to be weighed at the baker's shop before enlii ring the inn, where he sat down, awaiting the arrivali of some flat who might be induced to make a bet about the bird's weight. Goodisson, after being f in his company for some time, began to suspect tint t the stranger knew something, when he found hii so extremely anxious to bet about the goose's weiut. After a little finessing, at which Tom was a master, he had no difficulty in aseertainini what the weight of the goose was, and soug it4n opportunity of being left alone with the bird. ; Before long the stranger left the room for a few mg ments, which Tom utilised by emptying the contene s of his shot-belt, weighing two and a half pounds, int o the bird's crop. Upon the stranger's rt ;turn, Goodisson took the goose by its neck, and siringiug it backwards and forwards, expressed his cheiire to Make a bet about its weight. The stranger consented to bet him a sovereign and a hew] of punch thathe named theweight more accurately than G;oodisson could. The bird was then taken to the baker's shop, when it was found to weigh two pouuils more than the stranger had estimated, and almos t the identical amount of pounds that Goodisson luta named. The pair then returned together to the jam, and sat down to enjoy their bowl of punch, for which, of course, the stranger paid. In a short time, Tom was again left alone with the goose, and it occ tarred to him that another sovereign might possibly-, be won about its weight Quickly holding the biad's neck downwards, he emptied out rather more ilaan a pound of shot from its gullet. This shot the wily trickster threw under the grate, and when his companion returned Tom began talking about the loss of weight which, in a couple of hours (about the time that they had expended in consuming : the punch), a dead bird would sustain in a hot room. To this the stranger demurred, and another bet was made of similar , amount to the first. Again was the baker's shop put under requisition, and Tom Goodieson was again right.- The stranger than discharged a volley of oaths at the baker, decUring that he understood nothing about his own weights and scales. The poor baker retorted by saying that the deuce must have got into that goose, seeing that he had weiShed it three times, and that eac,l time it differed in *eight. Tom replied "I thought you had weighed it more than twice, and now you I tad better return with this gentleman to the Bell Inn: and enjoy a bowl of punch with him, while I am enraged in gc,tting back to Newmarket." So saying, he was off Tike a shot.  When a man hates -newspapers the feeling usually reciprocated. , If matches are made ii heaven, how is it so many contain sulphur?  Many a theatre needs redecorating, despite the fact that it is papered every night.  It is not a contradimtion that a man should be drinking hard with scarcely an effort. lii Burmah when a man .gives money to charity the natives'regard it as conscience money. It is very appropriate that the insignia of the pugilist should be a belt. Does, a woman pet her husband when she leads him a regular dog's life ? In poker a good deal depends on luck, and luck depends also on a good deal. It would be a valuable lesson to vain persons if they could be put upat auction. there is an exquisite who is so abnormally delicate that it jars him to fall asleep.  The silk hat of man has more style about it thtli comfort ; but, like the swallow-tail coat, it has come to stay. _ _ _  "La," said a five-year-old son, "can a rope walk ?" "I think not, my son," answered the father, " but it might if it were taut." Jack: "Tom, I'm in a terrible fix. I'm engaged to three prls." Tom : " Well, that's not exactly a clime." Jack :"No ; that's the worst of it. If it were I could go prison and have some peace." In Japan, if a woman is not married by a certain age, the authorities pick otib a man whom they compel her to marry. This may keep down the old maids, but increases the number of male suicides.  f• "If • this helps the 'neuralgia," said the doctor, j handier, th,••pre-cription to his caller, " I wish you Lwould let in., lalow and 11l tv it on niy wiie Sue's been troubled just as you are ior about fourteen eon. Aguinfos. Tifulatn."