Nelson Chronicle, Colne Observer, and Clitheroe Division News. — 1903-10-02 (Nelson, Lancashire, England)

LOOK EAWT.  Look eawt, readers, to, grab bawd o summat or ether ut'll stick Mike grim deeath to this doomed, totterin glooab ov eawrs, better known sumtoimes as th Earth, but aboon awl, readers. dooant bi alarmed, just keep cool, an wait events. Its noa use us tryin to escape it. Wi ceawnt tek a tly'n leeap an bed into th planet cawld Mars, net Jupiter nawther. Yo see, wi mud as wed tek it good parts an mek th best cat, an iv th warst corns to th warst wi con meet it wi a sereen :mode as. strike up wi mew: if..k same as thay did ut Nelson tother fleet as th cricketers loaded hooam wi th trophy o war, ut owt to ha gooan to Colee bi reight, (at leeast, that, what aw yerd a olee chap say, yo see, he'd last a cigar wi th kest, an hed'et fairly getten ower it,) wi'l meet it wi th mewsick o "See the conquering hero comes."  But noa deawt yo'l want to know what aw'm drivin at, soa awl tell yo. Aw've verd latly ut this earth ov eawrs wur brawn to bi knockt off its pins afoor long, bi a comet ut wur red to bi Win toward it. Aw happened to get howd oth New York Herald,' an theer, sewer enuff, a scientist sed, ut Borelli's comet wur (omit) eawr way as sure as -hoot in! Its molly a hundert theawsand mile aboon us, but he sez its cousin ut th rate o four hundret mile a sechund. He sez ut th Borelli's two hundret millyon mile long, wol wi awl know ut this poor earth ov eawrs is nobbut twenty-five theawsand mile i circumference; Sea wi con reckon fra that, ut iv owd Borelli happens to hit us wi'st stond abeawt as mitch chonce Its a midge or a jinny-spinner wed under th rooad crusher. Tawk abeawt knockin a chap flyin. Whit' this earth ud tummle like a skittle uts bin hit wi a cannon haw ut, bin shot wi a ton o giant peowder. To sum n things up, after ealkilatin th pros and cons, wi shad bi knockt into a proverbial cockt-hat in abeawt a theawsand millyonth part o th twinklin ow an ee.  But keep cool, an watch yo're chonce. Aw think avest goo in for lievin a boloom soma aw con sowe rheigh aboon 01/Range ov old Borelli an fra nh ba-kit aw'l watch it tickle th earth like a cue tickles a billiard baw. Moi word, readers, wodn't aw bi suproised, up i mi boloom, to see this glooab goo streight for Mars, cannon onto Jupiter, an then dissapecr into th pockit o kingdom come. But howd on, corn to think abeawt it, wheer shud aw be after Os gurt event, aw shod bi -Up in a boloon boys, up in a boloon." Aw shad ha noawheer to lond, noawheer to goa. Aw Auld bi summat bike th flee in a match-box sailin deawn th watter-gate whistlin "Driven fro home."  Nay, gentle readers, aw'l throw th idea o th boloom bizzsess to th four winds o heaven, an stop wi yo throo thick an thin, as th poit sea i th last verse o th beautiful song "Th last rooas o summer" aw.d say— "So soon may I follow, When friendship, decay; And from love's shining circle. The gem.s drop away. When true hearts lie witherd. And fond ones are flown, Oh! who would inhabit This bleak world alone."  °flyway. as aw've aed afoor, keep cool, an dooan't bi alarmed. Owd Mother Shipton, amang her other profisieA. sed ut— 'ln eighteen hundred And eighty one, Thia world to an end Would surely come."  Au, strange as it looks, it's a fact, at after fooak yerd that, ther seooers sowd awl ther bilongins for next to nowt, an feawnd titersels bankrupt after th event slitul her happend, an hed to start life (over ageean I But war ner that, ther lots o beak went an committed suicide, freetend o meetin th end th world. Yo see what a bit ov a mad idea con doo sumtoimes. But away wi ~itch like silly thowts Let's get eawr pluck up, an tackle this world as iv it wur a footbaw match. To finish this week's "(lips" awl , quote a toathri lines fra th work co that !nowble poit, Samuel Laycock (rest his soul) Blackpoo fame. He sea—  - 'Choose thi favourites iv tha pleeses, "Pass, pass who will von chantry door; But aw want thee just. to see And through the chink in the fractured floor I, for one at, least, shall never ' Look down, and .see a grizzly sight; Len ens wipe ther shoon 0 me. : A vault. where the bodies are buried upright! Tit world's a ring, aw mcon to wrestle; There face to face, and hand- by hand, Life's a race, aw nteon to run; The Claphams.and Mauleverers stand: Trot us cawt a worthy champion, And, in his place, among son and site, . Theo yo'll see a bit o fun. • Is John de Clapham, that fierce esquire,— If tha's ony goals to tackle, • A valiant man, and a name of dread. Bring thi Yuen, an bring thi ho ; In the ruthless wars of the White and Red— Clear las th field, an awl soon show yo ; Who dragged Earl Pembroke from Banbury , Aw con kick a bit an o. Church. I Let em play; awl stood an watch And- smote off his head on the stones of the i Watch en kick, an dod em— Then aw'll strip—play cc ntre-forrads''— ge an tap; I . . i This is likely enough to be true, for economy - porch!" W An will see whoa collars th cup," lof space has often been the cause of vertical i interment, and there are ituthentio cases be!sides that of Jonson in Westminster Abbey I and others referred to in the "Ingoldsby "