The Telegram. — 1900-11-13 (Weymouth, Dorset, England)

MUM._  " I've promised to go into supper with someone else, Blatique ; but, I'll intrJtims.. you to a very handsome and devil. girl." "But I don't want a handsome and clever girl ; I want you."  "Wink," exclaimed the orator—" what two things are helping mankind to get up in the world ?" " &Lamm clock and the step lA.lder," answered the dense person ta the rear of the hall.  Ntiryous Tourisz : Are you quite sure that this coast is safe iu &swell tar.di like this?—Bostinan: Bless ye, sir, you're bare enougo. Wlly I know e.ery rock on the coast of WAillki 3 (Craili !) That's one of ens!  • • • She: The man I marry MORE have done something of imp ntance.—kle : Then I ans tho ~ery man you reunite.—She : Yon ? Why, what important thing did you ever do ?—fie : I tell tu love with you a: first sight.  Mahel : So you have broken off the encarrement ? Have you rtturned his ring ?—Arny : Why, no ! that, wouldn't be reasonahle. Of course 1 have changed my opinion of Geoige, but I admire lime nu.; :us touch as ever. _  "What's the charge in this case? " asked the magistrate. "That's what I'm waiting to find out, yer worship," replied the misonsr. " I had the eatiAtactuon of hittin"ini, and rill willing to pay any priep that's in reason."  Mr. Henpeck : The doctor says I absolutely moat go away next week for a rest.—Mrtt. lienpeck: Goodness! 1 can't poisiblv manage to get away to go with you town.—Mr. lhopeck Unt-m ! I guilts tile (tumor must nave known that.  " See hers, Willett4, I hear a lot fif yon young fellows have organised a Suicide Club."—" You are the fourth Irian to sprmg that remark upon me. I don't nee how it started. AU we have dose in to clid, together to do our own cooking while our wives are away."  Irene : You got a good neat in the crowded car by looking at a man till to. got up and male a vacancy to you. It wauV plendidly done, but I could never have done it. I wieh I bad your cheek. —Clara : It would be an improvement, dear, it you bad my whole Lice. - -  • • •  Rich Father: What do you want a wife for, when yoo can hardly support vourseif ? Wily, sir, my daughter would starve !—Suo,ks (with great dignity) : Wvll, sit, if you urn the kind of man to let your daughtve and her husbana starve 1 don't wish to eater the faintly.  "Why do you, when your wife ie about, say so much against that nice industrious little 'mad b. your?" "Can't you see ? I liko the uall very well, but if I shouLl let my wife know it she would discharge the pour thing toetinrrow ; and a change Jf servants is what I hate."  "les funny our mitioter never inarrion," remarketih young husLarid, who had ja.4 refused ilia wile a Maine% in iii endeavour to chauge Ihe 111111,,C4: "I think make a good huablipl." "Well," replied the wifo, warm y, "he didn't seem to make a very good one when he married  A tiny child was waiting with her mother at a rail waysoation, itlUI a little distance ULI WAs standing a soldier in Highland The child asked her inothir if sae might speak to the soldier, and !eingqiiestmned as 10 why she waited to.pt,k LO him, tile replied, "I want to tell him his stockings are coming down."  Mother : How is it that you're late home nearly every oay?—Wiltred : Well. no winder ; we've got such a biz click in our sehool.—Mother : what has the clock to do wit h it T—Wilf:ed : 'Cautt.e so tog it take,: the han is an awful long time to get r.eoni it. It we had a clack :ike liad's little one I should he at home a great deal sootier.  Scene.—Drapery shop. Tonsorial Artist (surveying his Yuur hair is getting very thin, : Yes; I've been treating it with anci•fat. 1 never liked stout niiir. st You really should put something on it.—Victiiii : Si I cl4,—every : 111:ty 1 :tea what?—Vicrim My hat.—The rest was silence.