The Birkenhead News and Wirral General Advertiser. — 1894-07-04 (Birkenhead, Merseyside, England)

STK%  WHEN THE CAT'S AWAY.  A tall smooth-shaven man walked into the office of a well-known merchant in the city yesterday morning. Ho carded a small brown bag in his hand, ana over his arm hung a fashionably-cut top-coat. He was evidently just from the country, although his clothes were of a recent make. No one was in the office except the office boy, whom he found sitting in the cushioned chair with his feet on the desk, industriously engaged in smoking a cigarette. As the visitor appeared at the door of the back office, the boy glanced at him through a cloud of blue and ill-smelling smoke, and exclaimed between puffs: "Come in, young feller my lad; don't be afraid."  The visitor's face expressed surprise, but he said nothing. "I suppose," said the office boy, with ready nonchalance, "that you've come us to see old Brown?" . .  went on the youth, glibly, "he ain't in. He's out of town on the spree." "On the what," asked the visitor. "On the spree. You see he sent the old girl—" "The what?" inquired the visitor, as ho seated himself in a chair.  "That's right, make yourself at home. Have a cigar ? " as he opened Mr. Brown's desk and took out a box of Havana,. "You were speaking of the old girl," interrupted the visitor, as he ileclined the proffered cigar. "Oh, yes," went on. the lad. "Did you ever see Mrs. B.! No? Well, she's a scorcher. She has that duffer under her thumb.  "You seem to know a great deal about your employer," remarked the visitor. "Well, I reckon so. We're all on to him. The bookkeeper says if he had such a wife he'd cornmit suicide. Why, would you believe it, he's afraid to breathe when Mrs. B.'s in town. I'm the junior partner of this firm. Is there any business I can do for you! Want to buy any stock? Hello, here omfies the bookkeeper now." At this moment the boy tossed his cigarette into the wasta.beaket, and took his feet off the desk.  " How are you, sir ?" inquired the bookkeeper, as be entered the back room. "I didn't expect you home so soon. How did you enjoy the seaside."  "First-rate" replied the visitor. "I declare, Mr. Brown," continued the bookkeeper, "I would hardly know you since you shaved off your whibkers. Well, Richard," ho added to the office boy, "I guess you can go." But he spoke too late. The boy had already left. He didn't come back either. This is the explanation given by Mr. Brown for a card which smeared in the front window of his office In the afternoon which ran as follows : _  .A quiet, industrious, discreet office boy wanted. No idiots need apply."  It is strange what a small nibble a woman will take out of a piece of cake when her lover is looking. But with what alacrity she can get fifteen clothe...pegs in her mouth on washing. day, when she is in • hurry, and wants to go out in the afternoon. Lady Customer (angrily): "I believe there Is water in your milk, sir."—Honest Milkman: 'Yea, madam, there is. I have on several occasions urged the cows to be more careful; but they insist that it is impossible to maks milk without water."  A happy husband relates that he has been married twenty years, and that during the whole time his wife and he have only once had an idea in common, and that was when their house caught fire, and both did their beet to pt out of the door first. A dentist in Liverpool went out into the country to extract a woman's teeth, but bad to give it up because her children threw the poker at him and tore off his coat tail in preventing what they thought was a violent assault upon their mother.  Bowden: "I lost my heart, Miss Beatrice, last night, when I was talking to you. You have it in your possession."—Miss Beatrice (frigidly) : " You are mistaken, Mr. Bowden; but I will ask the servant girl. Perhaps she picked it up when she swept out, the other rub. blab this morning." A prominent Scottish M.P. was not complimented lately when lie was addressing his constituents. He Assured his hearers that he was not an idlo member of the House, and that during the last two years lie had put no loss than 182 questions to the Speaker and the members of the Government. " What an ignorant auld boner ye lowa be," cried a voice from thecrowd. Mrs. Newbrido : "Oh, doctor, tell me what I. the matter with my husband!"—Dr. Sensible: "lies—sr—be is suffering with • severe, but only temporary, paralysis of muscles, induced by an exaggerated internal application of stimiilants."—Mrs. Newbride : "And the horrid cabdriver who brought him home said he was drunk."  Evangeline (just after the "Yes"): "Bat you have not told me • word about you profeemon, Hector."—Hector: "I'm a promoter, my dear, and you've just helped me to organise the company. Your father shall be the president, and you the manager."—Evangeline : "But where do you come in?"—Heotor : "Oh, 11l be the receiver." " Who was that young man who stayed here till twelve o'clock last night?" asked Buiie's father at the breakfast table.—"lt was William, my sweetheart."—"Willians, humph. It would be better to call him Bill."—"I am sure he would not object to it."—" Yea" said the old gentleman, "I think in the future I will call bun Bill —' Ga. Bill.' "  A cleronuin at • wedding was offered some wine and a piece of cake baked by the bride. He sop:pied the cake but declined the wine. Three hours later he was wrestling with an able-bodied nightmare, which assumed the form of • monster wedding cake, with a forked tail and cloven feet, and when be awoke and fell) as if be had swallowed a cannon-ball, he wished he had drunk the wine and rejected the cake. Young lady: "Father, this is scandalous The idea of a man of yonr standing, coining home in this condition."—Old Gentleman: "Couldn't (hic) help it, m'dear. Met zee young feller I wouldn't let you marry, an' Chic) bed some drinks wiz him, and he'sh such good feller, I said be WO could marry you my dear."'— " Mercyl Mare is hi?—" Dumas, my dear." iirbeeman took *a off thick IN the ambriouee."