Bridport, Beaminster, and Lyme Regis Telegram and Dorset, Somerset, and Devon Advertiser. — 1885-04-02 (Bridport, Dorset, England)

WOW TO TREAT • WIEST. Give no more to every guest Than his able to digest; (Ise him always of the prime, And but little at a time. First officer—That wan a very mysterioua case of sul &is last night, wasn't at He was young, welt dreamed, and apparently well to do. Not • bit like the ordinary suicide. Sscond oilicar—l don't see anything very mysterious about it. It struck me that it was a very ordinary ease. But there was nothing found on him t indluati the cause of the deed, 0 yes there was. What was it I His marriage certificate. So von like Mr. Simpson! Yes, mother, I love him. He is a mall alter my awn heart. lam afraid, my daughter, that he clonal care much for your heart. I think helm aft.r your father's money, principally. Illinoisian—Yau have seen William Saakespeare's plays of sours. I M seourtan—Ooe or two of them only. Min:Wan—Well, what do you think of Snakespeare as a playwright! Missouriitn-1 look upon him as a rising nun.  HAPPY CHILDIt6N. They sant him rouad the &rale fair, To bosii before the prettie,t there ; Im bind ti say the choice he made A creditable taste displayed: Although I can't say what it meant. Tne little maid looked ill cantant. His task mil then anew b lan To kneel before the wittiest one. Once mare the little maid sought he, And bent him down upon hie knee. Sne turned her eyes upon the 'Leer ; I think she thought the game • bare. He circled then, his sweet behest. To kiss the one he loud the beet: F all she frowned, for all she chid, Ti kiss that litt's maid, he did : And then—though why I can'i deede— Tne little maid looked satisfied.  I would be obliged to yoa, said a close-Satd old fellow to a country editor, if you will txprue toy thank., through yJur excellent paper, to the many c:tez +us Wllooo timely aid last night saved my home irom being destroyed by fire. Certainly. replied the editor, I will express your thank., nut it wili be necessary for you to advance about a dollar and a half to prepay the expresso:v. • perfect outrage. Mr. Winks. The idea of inviting those gentlemen to aunivr when you knew the hoase was lull of company. Why, it will make 13 at table. S irely you are not superstitious about that. 11 iving 13 at table won't worry me in the least. Well, it will when you see what a small toast the butcher sent.  (wag COZRESPINIDENCII a la mode.) I am very anal PUtl to go out as a spacial war corralpondent of the Referee. I think I could do something which would bring wore fame to myself and fortune to my proprietor. Lit me try. I won't go to • battle, I will imagine one. I have studied wet corresp indence lathy. Here is my fir,t effort. I leave it to toe pubic to decide ill am not suffi Aently master of the mut to be trusted with the delieste and important teak of representing anewspaper at the seat of war :—Kokaliki.S 4., 4 p in.—Early this morning as I was writing a private letter to the C ,mmander-in-chiet. who hes requested me to keep him an courant with affairs. I observed a movement on the hosts ri about two milts off. lat once aroused the army, and, placing myself at its head, gatoped out Into the p am, leaving word with my s-rvant that tte general need not los disturbed, and that he was not to wait breakfast for me. I Imo scarcely led the army sareiy through three rocky defiles and over two cataracts, when • brick thrown from • balloon struck me so h. aril y on the head as to drive we right thiough the charger, cutting the unfortunate animal in half. There was not time to get another, so, disentangling my Let from the stirrups. I ran on ahead, leading the cavalry as the charge. Several of the horses wens usable to keep otp with me, so I moderated my pale as we neared the meaty. who poured a 4-rrific firs into our ranks, I was , =ally ridi with ballets. but I 4 all assiotimmt, that If flooded wroe the esmessad to MY at this diem the esassesesees *Os be dimmers... We see mow Is the Wit of the ktbs. I hoee killed ens midi. art haw Jell len to* vs OIL lilt=  a spier through me, which rather iltiPedet MY provemanta, audit {every difficult to fight the enemy .wlitt One band surd write this diepatoh with the ether. • Rokaliki -Lster.—Victorr a 'tremendous 'rioter, Acting entirely on my own idea. I d,teimined to nary the war into the enemy's country, and, having driven them back. I advanced and assumed the offensive. Aster a tremendous engagement, in Which both my bolts *rue carried away by cannon-balls, I had the ea.iefactiln of taking the entire force of the enemy prisoners. I should like to specially mentian for their bravery on this occasion L'eutenant-Oolonel Jones, Major B:own, and Lteutetunt It ,binson, who obeyed my orders imacAiy. I The p:ains are strewn with the enemy's dead. I estimate their loss at ten thousand. We have only myself severely wounded. lam returning to camp to inform the general in oarrunand what I think his uext step should be. I will send you further particelais to-morrow. when I bave extracted the sp:a.., whiern is very, incest. vaniont. It prevents me lying down, and I need rest,