The Northern Guardian. — 1894-01-18 (Hartlepool, Cleveland, England)

MAXTIZT.D,of New Bedford, committed suicide. On the table was found, in his handwriting, a verse in the following stage of construction:  "This life:-tears that flow woe, gea woah."  A comeray cousin being at a dinner given by his shoddy relation in Fifth-avenue, after having eaten to repletion and helped to punish throe courses of dainty dessert, at last, when a fourth course was brought on, aetuuivlued thr company by calling out at the top If his soar, "I say, Cousin Rube, I can't swallow another mouthful, and so /71 ta.ke the rest out to money." A Yousii woman who seems to be opposed to girls being taught to mew, writes as follows to the Worsens', Journal : "Some tnue since a gentleman of Ithaca said, in quite a company, 'I mean to offer a prize for the best shirt u.ade by the lady students of the university.' 'lf you do,' I rejoined, impulsively, 'I will offer an equal one for the best chemise made by a stale student. It is a poor rule that won't work both ways.'"  us deed is accomplished. My wife has got a piano. and now farewell to tranquil mind. It came on a dray. Sit men carried it into the parlour, and grunted awfully. It weighs a ton, shines like a mirror, and hes carved cupids climbing up its limbs. And such lungs—whew! hty wife has commenced to practice. and the first time she touched the inaehine I thought we were in the midst of a thenderetorm, and the lightning had struck the erkkery clued. The cat, with tail erect., tock a bee-line for a particular friend upon the beck fence, demolishing a sixshilling pane of glase. The baby awoke, and the littlefellow tried his best to beat,the instrufhent, but he could not do it--it beat him. A teacher has been introduced into the hottse. He says he is the late of Napoleon's grand army. Ile wears a huge moustache, leaks at me ffereeiy, smells of sarlie, and goes by the name of Count Ren-awav-and-Never-come-bitek again. He played an extract di, opera the other night. He ran his fingers through his hair twice, then grinned, then rocked his eyee up to the ceiling like a monkey fretting flies, and than down one of his fingers, and I heard a delightful sound similar to that prodie.ed by a cockroach dancing npon the tenor str ng of a fl(Ple. Down came another finger, and I was reminded of the wind whistling through a knot-hole in the hen coop. He touched his thnmb, sad I thought I was in an orchard listening to the braying of a jackass. Now he ran his fingers along the keys, and I thought of a boy rattling a- stick upon a store box or a picket-fence. All if 3 sudden he slopped. and I thought something hail happened. Then &ten came both fists, and, 0 ford! ,such • noise wee never heard before! I thought a ham. cane had struck the house, and the walls were heaving in. I imagined I was in the cellar and a ton of male was falling about my head. I thought the machine had burst. when the infernal noise stepped, and I heard my wife ejaculate "Exquisite l" "What the deuce is the neater r I inquired. " Wley, my dear, that is La Sotanangbtda!" " Bother &meansletla f thought I. The count rolled up his sheet of paper. He ealls it music, but for the life of me I can't make it look like anything else but a rail fence, with a lot of juvenile niggers climbing over. A RACHELOR explains that the reason a woman puts her finger in her mouth when she thinks, is because she cannot talk and think at the same time. _ .  Tun Alabama people don't like the Mexicana. During a prayer meeting the other evening a brother said "Lord bless the country, but don't let any of the blessing slop over to the grealgers." AT the recent examination for teachers' certificates at the county board of Placerville, California, one of the exercises was: " Define hyperbole, and give an example." To which one of the lady applicants responded as follows: "A hyperbole is an exaggeration of the truth, used to illustrate wit and humour. Example: The train running between Shingle Springs and Latrobe goes with such speed that the kiss left on the hand of Mr. Wzitiiusl.l his Placerville girl was not dry before it was shaken by his girl at Lettrobe." .  TuritACC COli gNOING. —IIIus tt atwi Podt Free. Tobacco,' lists' Otttitti /14 C.) , 126, Etitou tom0(.11. :,MOKE CLOOL btl.l-UCIrT can