Penistone, Stocksbridge, Hoyland & Chapeltown Express, etc. — 1902-01-17 (Penistone, South Yorkshire, England)

VARIETIES.  Narrow siestw—Contrsotod.  A House Agent's addreae—Lettnnt Hall,  Wlwaep a detective en bed aa a ee gash alter his "quarry."  " I trace lay descant a brag way back" " Been on do dovrawanl path a long time, ar " It's my firm conviction," ma tbs judge said when be was asked Lc bad sentenced the iwollell%  tibe "Left bey bnebee I, hes she? Why, oho t..-1 to my be sac the tight ot her erietenee." : " Yee, but the light begau to go oat M  It would •eent that one little letter can conver4. to eltiraatnm into a dee &ratline of war, and this pre4iiit4 it, leiter S. whereby the words be. MAC 8 words  Freidman : " b there any troth in all ono hum about the.. sumer proptattlar' MUM tglimugge " Not bit ; !haven't had one all the station."  " So you are going to marry Jack Smith after all? I thought you did not like himl" "I dou't ; bat Mary Adams wanted him herself, and I bate hap"  Auntie (to E)sie, who has been oat to look for eggs): "Have you found any, dour No, not one; the hens are all standing boat doing nothing."  Attendant : "Shall I cat yea • slice off,thie joint?" Gringos : " It's gaits immaterial to nee ; yon can chop it off, or saw it off if goo choose, so long as I get the slice."  'Nes your husband look after things while you ire sway, Mn. Dwiggsr " He takes care Of the chickens and children, hut I always mad ay house pleats over to mother's."  Showman: "Now, then, ladies and gents, don't irlay if yer wade to wee the fat lady in her prime. She's just been jilted hy the skeleton gentlemen. an' she is taking on so that she's leang every hour. To-morrer she won't bs woeth essin'."  Boring Rtgge: "After all, it pays ter be perlite, pardner." Jocose Jagge: "Not always. The other day I was actin' deaf and dumb, and when a men pme! me a I.ixpence, I ways, 'Thank ye, sir!' and he bad au airerted."  Mr. Gabber : " There is • man in New York _reel olg a tnonizir.era to Ananias." Alra. Gship..r " For the lawi's solo, And wine ow I is he tisMg±." Mr. 0.11.111r.r " editions of the evegos ralltrL"  " &pier." said Jim Condom!, is her husband came wearily up the front it., "I hope you kep' you head while you was in town." "I did, Mandy." was the humble reply, "but I guns it was only Immune none o' them fellers took a notion that he Deeded it in his business."  She : "Why don't you dance this demos, Bob?" He: "It's the lancan; I can't afford it r She: Whatever do you mean?" " Why, the last dance I west to in tits lancers I had my coat torn to bits, one ma pulled ulf my shirt, and lost two shirt studs and • sleeve (Mkt"  A little Barton ri:l, who had been Wending one of the public kindergartens, fell from a bidder. fier mother caught her up frtm the ground, cicLaiming: "Ob. darling., how did you fall?" " Vertically," rupled the child, without recond'a hesitation.  A certain lrerber was very busy haircutting the ither night, and one customer was patiently waiting for a shave. Every now end again the barber shouted to the boy: "Soap there I" When the customer, getting disgusted, shouted out: "Hey, mister, it wises snap I cam' in for; it Wilh to get • shave."  "Do you like violets'!" asked the sedate girl. "Yea. indeed," answered the frivolous O.S. "1 thiuk there is nothing more charming than hs wander out into the woods and fields—. "Woods and fields," was the disappointed reioinder. "Oh, dear! 1 thought you were talking about het trisaminp."  "Sir," began young Timkine, as be entered tbs presence of the dear girl's father, "I want ts marry your daughter—" " Oh, don't come to as with your troubles," kterrupted the old gentleman. "fib. told ma sons time an that she intended to wry yes, Ito you'll hive to settle it between /ourselves."  As is Volunteer was pawing along, rids in hand, be was accosted by a iirecocious urchin, who called out: "Who shot the dog?" which slaying saw friend appeared by no mesas to relish ; m, tensing sharply, he aid: if pee sue sot oil, shoot a donkey ;" when the boy, calling out to cine a his companions, rejoined: "I say, Bill, look here—this 'ere fellow ie going to commit suicide."  "Briggs is dreadfully nearsighted. You know that hat kis wife wears with all those black plume in it?" "Yes, rye seen it." "Well, Briggs thought it was the head of • feather duster, and be tied it to his cane sad brushed a lot of spider webs from the porch coil. ing before his wife caught Inns at It."  "John," said the ambler's wife, dropping tato Ise bank ia the midst of her 'bopping trip, "yea forgot to leave me that money this morning?" " What name" asked the cashier, without look"r.  IDI 1?. Name !" exclaimed the lady.  your wile!" "No doubt. no doubt," answere.l the aishier. mechaaucl r.and going on with bill writing, "but you will i.e to bring someone to identify you."  Souse one took Charlie up and asked hisa if he VIM papa's hey. He answered "Yes. " And you're mammal' boy too r "Ys,' replied Charlie. 'Well, how can you be papa's boy sad saannub's boy at the sante time?" " Oh," replied Charlie, quite indiaersatly, "met • waggon hare two horses?"  A