Widnes Examiner. — 1886-07-31 (Widnes, Cheshire, England)

WIT AND HUMOUR. How can a pig always build his own dwelling-place? ..-By tying a knot in his tail, which will be a "pig's tie" (pig-sty). When Fogg was asked regarding the latest additions to the English language, he said he would ask his wife; Ehe always had the last word. An Irishman, mourning his wife, tearfully exclaimed;: "Faith, an' she wos a good womark ; she always hit me the.soft end of the mop." An Irishman who had on a very ragged coat was asked of what stuff it was made. " Bedad, I don't know! said he. "But I think the most of it is made of fresh 44.2, M. Guibollard and his son Tote stopped in front of a statue of Joan of Arc. • " Papa," said the child, "who is that lady?" "That, my son, is one of our greatest men!" was the reply. Scene—Art-school. Mrs. Nouveau : " And is that large picture some of your work?" Pupil: "Mine? Oh, no, madam! That is one of the old masters." Mrs. Nouveau, in an undertone to her companion: "I don't like to hear a young man speak so disrespectfully of his teachers." "There is something in this little fellow I like," said an appreciative up-town visitor of a young hopeful he Was trotting on his knee. "Say, now," said the boy, "how did you know I had swallowed a shilling ?" An excellent old gentleman had a very strong desire to make a balloon ascent. "What!" said one of his friends. "At your age?" "Certainly, my friend," he replied. "It is solely for the purpose of accustoming imayself to quit this earth." "Robert, what did you do with the letter I left on my dask a little while ago ?" "I took it to the post.' " What ! Did you not see that it had no address ?" "Yes, sir; but I thought you didn't want me to know for whom it was intended." Little Harry, home from school: "I say, :mother, we had our singing-lesson to-day." "And how did you get o ?" " Teacher said I sang like a bird." " Really '  bird?" "Like a crow-!"  What biro: Miss Strickland once spent an evening with Mrs; liichbald. It was bitterly cold weather, the fire was low, and at last she could stand it no longer, and rose to go. Mrs. Inchbald not being able to make up her mind to the extravagance of putting on more coal, but being • desirous to enjoy the talk, exclaimed, "Oh, stay a little -iOnger, and I will push all the fire to your side." "Dot brudder of mine in Chicago vhas no good," said Moses, as he dusted a pair of second-hand trousers at the door. "He close his slitore der odder day und puts on a si,n dot his wife was deadt, und he doan' keep open for two days." "Wasn't that right ?" "It vhas all right to shut oop, but vliy doan' lie say on der sign, 40n dis account I haf to dispose of dis mammoth shtock, und all goods shall be sold at ten per cent. below cost'? Vhen a peesness man's wife dies, it vhas a chance to advertise dot doan' come once in twenty years." The sergeant-major of a Scotch Volunteer corps was to be presented with a long-service and good-conduct medal. All members of the corps who had won medals were ordered to wear them on the occasion. When the battalion had formed into three sides of a square, the commanding officer glanced round the ranks, and spied one of the corps with an unusually large medal on his breast. "Galloping up to him, the officer called out, "Halo, fellow, where did you get that medal?" The private, saluting, answered, "At a plooin' match, sir." An amusing Vern in the diary of the late Sir Henry Cole is one that tells how on June 2nd,1851, the Duchess a Bent, having gone to the Great Exhibition with her daughter, was separated from her party and politely informed by a policeman that, if she stood on one side, she should "see the Queen pass." She was a Brooklyn girl. He was a young man from • Boston visiting at her house. In honour of his coming she had made a custard pie with her own fair hands. "Do take some," she urged at the supper toble. "1 .made it for you myself, you know." "No," said he, retuctantly, after an evident inward struggle ; "I cannot. If I were at home in Boston, I would; but here I dare not." "And why not ?" she urged. "Why, dearest, can you not eat it here ?" "BecauSe," he answered, with a deep-dr wn sigh, "we are now in New York, you know, and an attempt at suicide is a crime under the 'flew York laws." _ •  r Getting things mixed A country minister who, in addition to his clerical duties, followed the profession of a photographer, was called upon to perform the marriage I ceremony. "Now, then, young man," he said to the i bridegroom, who was nervous and excited, as all grooms ought to be, "just keep your eye on that'crack in that wall, and try and look pleasant."