Lancaster Standard and County Advertiser. — 1898-04-01 (Lancaster, Lancashire, England)

SCI.III her compliments to Madame Calm., begs to be excused, as she is engaged lo ,lyug.  ! "lod be threaten to commit suicide who •:•, rail is could never be?" "Well, hardly." it, got up, brushed the dux from the knees .t trousers with a ~11a handkerchief, and 'sr.,. '1 Mc., that you have made a rich n, An Or "Made a mill man of you:" she exclmr.-4. "licw?" "I shall never marry," he replied. m I as he wandered into the cold world there an Mgt a trace of a smile on his face. Edith: "There in one thing in pacts: die •i... I like Mr. Tactiti for. He is so frank, you 10., . He always tells me of my faults without .se leas, heatation ,or ilread of offending me. was the agreement I caused him to mas,. • Bertha: "And you norm to say that you do L., get angry with him?" Edith: "Never." 1-.{..r "Ter. me some of the faults he has found in y,11.Edith: "Oh, he hicsn'i found any yet. i ask him to name them he always says the' I am faultless."  Tht Earl of Rochester frequently sieved ui his jokes upon Charles the S.' .cood. Itoc day •he Icing said to him, "If I di, before you, RG, ter. it will be expected that you write epitaph. Now. I should like to know what will say of me." R.s•hester, with more news of wit than prioien,. unnwhately •-• the blowing.— .  -Here li. the mutton-eating Iring. Whose wont no man relies on; Who never said a foolish thing, Nor ever a wise one."  'Dear Sue." he whi.lo're.l, 'lo you think h I married you your father would ever Stigler 115: "I'm sure he would, dear," she imsertel sorly.  And .170-uld he give 11.4 a house of our own,j' ••I know he would. dearewt." "And would he give us enough to live beautifully on: -I us sure of it. Hurry." "And would he take ine Co the firm?" "Certainly- be would." "And le me run the business to out myself?" "Of mere. Le would. darling." She snuggled to his bosom. !.nt he put her aside coldly. "I ran never marry Y,1•• he said. hoarsely. "Your lather is too willing to get you off his hands."  A justice of the peace, seeing a parson on a very stately horse, ruling between Highgate and Hampstead, said to some gentlemen who were with him: "Do you on. what a beautiful hore that proud parson has got? I'll banter hint to little Doctor. said he, " you to not follow the example of your great master. who was humbly content to ride upon an am." "Why, really, sir," replied the parson, "the Chancellor ha. made so many aweo justices, that an hones: clergyman ,-an hardly find one to ride, if he ho.! a mind to do it." Lord Chief Justice Hint, when yonig. no. very extravagant, and belonged to a club of A It blown, most of wham took to an infante, course of life. When his I or.butip was enure,' at the if d Bailey a man was tried and conel,let of a robbery on the hignuoy, who the pidg* remembered to have been one of 11, pinions. Moved by that curiosity whit natural on a retrospection of past life, 11.:•. thinking the follow did not snow him, .o.Aol what had become of such and such of 111-+ teemeiates. The culprit. making a low bow.id fetching a deep sigh, said. "'oh, my ton!: •',ey are 311 hanged but your lordship and I." A Yorkshire boy went into a public 1:.:,, where a gentleman was eating eggs. TM: 1,0" looked extremely hard at him tor some "in, and then said. "Veil you be good enough to come a little salt, sir?" "Aye, certainly, bov. !Air why do you want salt ?" "Perhaps, sir.. he, you'll ask hie to eat an egg Presentlyshould like to be ready." "What country •io you from, my 'ad?" "Yorkshire, sir. thought so—there, take en egg." "flank sir,' said the boy. "Well," added the gentivto.,. "they are all greet horse stealeris in your OIIS try, are they hot ?" "Yes." rejoined the 1.,. -my father ithough an honest mani would nmAl no more stooling a horse than I would draikng your glass of "Your health. sir. sud he. and drank it up. "That will dm." says :he ir'n'l, man, "I see you're Yorkshire. ' -Let me take your hot, John dear. I'll ,Jose the door. You're tired, I knew. Cove me  ,se other kiss. What's one?" "Thank you. mY dear. Yon are very thoughtful." '•Of yin ways, to be sure. you poor, dear her. I have the nicest supper for you. Look—some lie Y biscuits, the kind of rake you Ilk, best. IN your favourite preseryes. too:" "How kiml it you." •'Not at aIL Ito a wife's duty. Y't know, to study her husband's wish,: and evfort." "Why. so it is. I had quite font that." "Now, John, aren't you pleased?" of course, of course. my darling. "Well. only—" "Nothing. nothing— " but Yi.7. been down town this afternoon. hava't "Why. John, how did you gm-m. to the milinees?" "You're a still.!"No, not at aIL" (After retlevtim "Well, here it is." "Oh, John, two pounos— you deer, sweet, good hubby." "Cm—yee.-atte 1? But, eome on, let's have that &lana°,. out. per now. I need it." tTo himself. as he Triads. Ills first hiseuitt. "Mind reader—l I thought she was talking through her ha,. .n. she was."  Mr. Erskine, the most celebrated of advot.i,s. is said to have forgotten or which party. ot particular cause, he had been retained: aoa• to the amazement of the agent that had he'd him, and the horror of the poor elient beinml• he uttered a fervent speech exactly in opposition of the interests he had been hired to &tend. Such Wao the zeal of his eloquence th.it no Ptred remonstnince from the rear, no tuin:‘,, at his elbow cou'd slop him. lint just as he was about to sit down. the trembling att,,o put a slip of paper into his hands. "liou pleaded for the wrong party," whenmpon wch an air of infinite composure he resumed 'he thread of his oration. saying, "Stith. my is the statement you will probably hear trem my brother, on the opposite side of this ean.e. I shall now bsig team in a very few words. ,o show your lordship how utterly untenable u" the principlssi. and how distorted are the fact,. upon which this very specious statemmt hint Pre" ceeded." Anti RO then he went once more eler the same ground. and did not take his sea; 'AI he had most energetically refuted hinosof, tot destroyed the effect of his former pleading.  The finest Coffee Essence that  money eau buy is Symington's Earl burgh Coffee Emence. maw a Cop in a moment. From Grocers throughout the world.