The Kenilworth Advertiser. — 1898-01-01 (Kenilworth, Warwickshire, England)

ADDRESS- There is a village in he eastern oounties which rejoices in the name of Hawe. A parishioner was asked what he thought of a strange preacher who had been holding a service in the village. " Well," he said, "1 liked the gen'leman, 'is tee was just suited to us folk." "Why, what was his teat?" "It were a tea' from the Psalms, 'stand in haws and sin not sounded so 'omely bike."  In the December Cornhat there is also quoted the following copy of a letter received from a drummer boy who forms a part of our army of occupation in Egypt: Dear Sir, I will write a few lines to you hoping you are quite well as it leaves me quite well. We have had 2 deaths in two days I play cricket for my Company for the scield or cup I can play a good bat now and boals I enjoy myself every day in cricket. The other night one of the Companies munited they broke all the winders lamps basins and plates and Every think they could get hold of and stayed in the room with fixed bayonets if the guard was to come and have them in prison then the regiment was ordered out of bed and prade with fixed bayonets and surredered the hut and kept them in to they surredered that was 2 e.clock in the morning. The regiment goes to Cairo October 4tli it is very hot here. One of the men shot a niger boy for throwing stones at the winders and killed him he was let off for it lams ft 6 inchs now. I  always sleep out side the room nearly on the sea beach to cool.  •-• The following is an exact copy of a letter received by a young lady who, possessing a piano, and being about to remove to a small country town, advertised for room and board with a family "musically inclined": Deere Miss, • we think we kin Bute you with room and bora, if you perfer to be where there is musick, I play the fiddel, my wife the orgin, my dotter Jule the akordion, my other dotter the bango, my son Hen the gittar, my son John the foot and korouet, and my son Clem the base drum, while all of us sings Gospel hims in which we would be glad to have you take part both vocal and instrumental if you play on anything. We play by ear, an' when we all git started there is real musick in the air. Let us know if you want to come here to bord.  . . "Papa," asked a lit tle boy, "a man who steals a loaf of bread is a thief, isn't he ? " "Yes, a dastardly thief." "is a man who steals £lO,OOO a thief, too?"  " Well, no, my boy, scarcely. Defaulter, I think, is the more appropriate word." "And what is he called when he steals £1,000,000 ? "  "There is no such thing as stealing £1,000,000, my son. It is termed diverting.' When a gentleman diverts £1,000,000, he is spoken of as a financier."  •e• An American farmer, when going on his customary rounds one morning, happened to move a big stone by sitting down on it to rest. The disturbance alarmed a great rattlesnake, on which the stone happened to roll. The farmer, pitying the venomous reptile, lifted the stone, and the snake crept into its hole. On succeeding mornings the farmer was greatly surprised to find the rattlesnake always waiting for him. The two at length became almost inseparable friends, and, when the cold weather came on, the farmer, out of pity, took the reptile home. The very night after the snake's arrival the farmer was roused by a great noise, and on rushing downstairs saw a burglar trying to escape by the window. The rattlesnake had frightened the thief quite out of his wits by coiling round his leg and hissing violently, its last proceeding being to hang its tail out of the window and rattle for the police I  A bicycle dictionary:— Century—The distance made in one day by an imaginative rider when riding alone. (See Liar and Cyclometer). Cranks—(l) Supposedly steel rods which refuse to move when desired, and vice versa. (Si) All persons who ride wheels. Cyclometer—A mall instrument operated by turning the machine upside down and revolving front wheel rapidly with hand. (See Fake). Dismount—To sever connection with wheel; may be done in several ways. Expert—One who is able to scare pedestrian to death by coming within one-eleventh of an ineh of him without hitting him, instead of running into him and killing him at onoe. Fake—An unreliable and untrue btatement. (Bee Century and Cyclometer). Handlebars—Pieces of steel or wood used by beginners for testing grip, and by experts for showing skill by letting them alone. Heretic—Anyone who rides a different make of wheel from one's own.  Liar—(See Century and Cranks. An Heretic). Pedals—Two steel deviees attaehed to Cranks in form of a puzzle; the okieet being to keep feet on both at once. Saddle—Something by druggists to &prober-4k avatar* who  wear hie there,  Suicide—The apparent object of all learners. Tandem—A device to enable a man kr tell if his best girl's back hair is her own or not; a sort of pleasure conveyance for ladies. Tyre—A rubber thing which is the beet in the market and bursts nineteen miles from the nearest repair shop. Life's punotation : infancy, notes of admiration; youth, notes of interrogation; manhood, dashes; old age, full stop.