Weekly News. — 1890-04-03 (Blandford, Dorset, England)

EPITAPH. The wrong way. all because be laughed, Went down the deadly flsh.bone. And now he holds aloft a shaft Of marble on his wish-bone,  A certain debating society IS discussing the question as to which is the angrier--the husband who goes borne and finds that dinner is not ready, ,T the wife who has dinner ready, and whose husband deit not come home It Is believed that the debate will end in a draw.  "Dennis," said a gentleman to his janitor, 'von are late this morning. What is the trouble wor obliged to go to court this morning,where they wor investigatin' a little occurrence that liappi-ned last night."" Well, did they find anything'!" **Yee. they fined me." Sir 'William Maule once said, "People talk about a man and his wife being one. It is all nonsense: I do not believe that under the most favourable eircumtances they can be considered le-is than two. For instance, if a man murders his wife, did anybody hear of his having committed suicide --•• • • • •  I clasped her tiny hand in mine; I clasped her beauteous form: I vowed to shield her from the wind. And from the world's cold storm. She set her beauteous eyes on me ; The tears did wildly now, And with her little lips she said, "You stupid ! let me go."  Mother: "Elsie, your sister tells me you took a second piece of pie at Mrs. Brown's to-day? " Little Elsie: "Yes, ma, I did." "Do you think that was right, Elsie? " "Yes, ma. lion know you have often told me not to contradict anyone,and Mrs. Brown said, 'I know Elsie will have another piece of pie,' and what could I say, ma?"  In the reign of George IL, the see of York fat I ing vacant, and his Majesty being at a loss for a fit person to appoint to the exalted office, asked the opinion of the Rev. Dr. .Meuntain, who bad raised himself by his ieniarkably facetious humour from being a son of a beggar to the see of Durham. The doctor wittily replied, "Hadat thou faith as a grain of mustard-seed, then would ye say unto this mountain," at the same time laying his hand upon his breast, "la' ye removed, and cast into the sea (see)." The king laughed heartily, amid forthwith conferred the appointment upon the facetious doctor. When Spring-Cute comes the trees put on Thgir gorgeous coats if green; But ban with ulster under arts, At pawnshop door is seen. Then, when the blasts of Autumn strip Them raiment from the trees, Man hies Once more untc.that door, With many a dismal sneeze.  A man was accused of having stole a pair of trousers. There were several witnesses, hut the evidence was rather meagre, and so the acv used was acquitted. He was told that he could go; but he remained. his an yer, to whose successful defence he mainly owed his liberty, hinted to him again that he was free to depart, but still he stayed. There being no more cases to be heard, the court was getting empty, when the lawyer, growing im patient, asked, with some a.perity, alv i 1.,. didn't go. The Injured, innocent man whispered. in his ear : "The fact is, sir, I did not like to move till the witnesses had left the court." "Why so?" •• Because, sir, I have got on the trousers that I stole." The prize medal for absent-mindedness during lectures must be awarded to a German professor named Johannes Amer, who recently died in Vienna. Oue of his pupils has a list of his remarkable sayings, . amongst them the following "Julius C‘c,ar, die! guised as a save, swan, naked across the Tiber." "Alexander the Great was born in the absence of ; his parents." "The Swiss are a mountainous ' nation, but in Scotland the climate does not begin till October." "}logs were invented in Asia Minor." "Thus arose a general war on page 94.•'  "The third Tunic war would have been too much sooner, had it commenced a little earlier." "Covered with coutaltea weunds Cmsar fell dead near the statue of Pompey ; with one hand he drew hie toga over his face chile with the other he called for help." • • • • • • "  The professor was demolishing (as he believed) Darwin and his theories—a ta,k which lie frequently engaged in —when he triumphantly wound up with the question : "If we are monkeys, where are our tails ? " The lecturer, who had been speaking his full hour, was startled to hear in reply from one of the audience "We have sat on them ISO long that they are worn off." A young Parisian, noted for his grace and readiness as a second in many duels, was asked by a friend to accompany him to the mayor's office to affix his signature as a witness to the nistrino mat registry. He consented, but when the scene was reached forgot himself. Jest as ale mayor isiS ready for the last formalities, lie broke out : Gentlemen, cannot this affair be arranged? Is there . no way of preventing this sad oueurrenon?"  Mr. Robert Barrett Browning intends presenting shortly to Balliol College most of the manuscripts Of hi, father's poems. The late poet Mid informed Professor Jowett that after his death he wished Halliol to possess his