Widnes Examiner. — 1886-10-30 (Widnes, Cheshire, England)

VERY SUCCESSFUL CASE.—First Lawyer: " Ah, Dobkins, how did you come out of that case You were just beginning when I went out?" Second' Lawyer: "Gloriously. 'lt was a perfect success; created a great sensation; papers full of it; got lots of advertising out of it. I think it was the making of my future." "Good !" Glad to hear it, old fellow. .1 knew you had the stuff in you; and, by the way, what did they do with your client ?" "Oh, they hanged him." "One of my ancestors won a battle during the Crusades by his skill in handling his artillery," said the baron. "hut my dear baron,' said his friend, "at the time of the Crusades gunpowder had not yet been discovered." "I know that as well as you do, and so did my ancestor." "How did he win the battle then ?" "He brought his artillery to bear on the Saracens, and the stupid fools, seeing the guns, supposed that powder had at last been discovered, and fled in dismay." A man who had the gift of shaping a great many things out of orange-peel was displaying his abilities before Rufus Choate and Daniel Webster, and succeeded in carving a pig to the admiration of the company. Webster tried the same feat, and, after strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges, gave it up, with the exclamation, "I must give up the pig! I can't make him." "Nay," remarked Choate, glancing at the table; "you have done more. Instead of a pig, you have made a litter !" HE WAS A BOSTON Boy.—" Your little boy must be very intelligent," said a visitor to a Boston schoolteacher, whose five-year-old son was forming Greek words with building blocks. "Intelligent !" exclaimed the proud parent. "He is phenomenally gifted. As an example of his early erudition, what do you suppose were the first words he ever spoke?" " Papa ' and 'mamma'?" "Stuff and nonsense !" ejaculated the father, in a tone of disgust. "Why, the day he was twelve months old he suddenly laid down his algebra and said to me, Father, the longer I live the more indubitable proofs I perceive that there is in Boston as much culture to the square inch as there ever was in the ambient area of ancient Athens' !" • The present Pope is an old gentleman with a keen sense of humour. Accredited to the Papal court is a functionary who represents the political interests of four Central American republics, and who is already bedizened with the stars of almost every order created by the Pontificate. Not long ago a fresh negotiation was concluded satisfactorily to the Mother Church, and the custom of giving a new distinction had to be observed; but what to do perplexed the Papal chamberlain. On application in the emergency to Leo himself, the latter said, "This time give bhim a snuff-box with my portrait." The diplomatist accepted the golden gift, aetached the portrait therefrom, and appeared at the next audience with it hanging from his neck. Another state negotiation unexpectedly arose, and, when it was solved, there again came up the question of an honorarium. " This time," said Leo, "give him a marble statue, and see if he will wear that round his neck I" A RHETORlClAN.—Schoolmaster, to his wife: My dear, I wish you would speak more carefully. You say that "Henry Jones came to this town from Sunderland ?" Wife: Yes.—Schoolmaster: Well, now, wouldn't it be better to say that "he came from Sunderland to this town ?"—Wife: I don't see any difference in the two expressions.—Schoolmaster: But there is a difference—a rhetorical diriereLico. You don't hear me make use of such awkward expressions. By-the-way, I have a letter from your father in my pocket.—Wife: But my father is not in your pocket. You mean you have in your pocket a letter from my father.—Schoolmaster : There you go with your little quibbles! You take a delight in harassing me. You are always taking up a thread, and representing it as'a rope.—Wife :Representing it to be a rope, you mean.—Schoolmaster: For goodness sake, be quiet! Never saw such a quarrelsome woman in my life! A gentleman formerly a professor in Roberts College, Constantinople, records the following travesty of justice illustrative of the law in Turkey, where an accused man must prove his innocence, or else he is declared guilty. A convert to Christianity came to Dr. Lord, a missionary there, and asked if it was ever right to tell a lie. This was a staggerer for the doctor, and he said he would have to know the case before he could decide, although on general principles he did not think it was. "The case is this," replied the seeker after truth. "A Turk, a stranger to me, living in Rustchuk, accused me of buying and receiving from him one thousand sheep. I knew of no way of proving that I did not buy and receive these sheep, and the case must certainly go ' against me. It came up for trial to-day; and, after the charge had been made, I admitted that I had bought and received the sheep—which was a lie—and had at the same time paid for them in full. He couldn't prove that I had not, so the case was dismissed." The doctor thought that, if ever a lie was justifiable, this was certainly the time. We read in "Personal Memoirs of the U.S. Grant" that on one occasion during the Civil War M the United States, when stationed at a post of several companies commanded by a field-Officer, General Bragg was commanding one of the companies at the same time acting as Post quartermaster and commissary. He was first lieutenant at the time, but his captain was detached on other duty. As commander of the company, he made a requisition upon the quartermaster—himself—for something he wanted. As quartermaster, he declined to fill the requisition, and indorsed on the back of it his reasons for so doing. As company commander, he responded to this, urging that his requisition called for nothing but what he was entitled to do, and that it was the duty of the quartermaster to fill it. As quartermaster, he still persisted that he was right. In this condition of affairs, Bragg referred the whole matter to the commanding officer of the post. The latter, when he saw the nature of the matter referred, exclaimed, 44 Good heavens," Mr. Bragg, you have quarrelled with every officer in the army, and now you are quarrelling ourself!  behalf. The jury brought in a verdict to the effect that the deceased committed suicide whilst temporarily insane.