Nelson Chronicle, Colne Observer, and Clitheroe Division News. — 1892-07-29 (Nelson, Lancashire, England)

FEN AND FRIVOLITY.  --4-- MELANCHOLY Stranger: "You are sure this poisricin will kill a man ?" Druggist: "Yes, sir, I can gurantee it. By the way, if you are going to commit suicide, I wish you'd put one of our circulars in your pocket. It will be a big advertisement for us when your body is found." A PENNSYLVANIA paper gives the following in its weekly go,sip : "Sunday being a balmy day, the styles were brought out. The most richly dressed lady we saw is the wife of a man who has owed this office thirteen dollars for nearly three yeas. Ile says he cannot raise the money, and we believe him." COOS: "Here's some eel' mum, that the bye has just brought. Fwat shall Ido wid 'ern to kill 'em ?" Mistress, utterly unpractical : "Oh, the poor things! Why, they must be alive! Tell Thomas to get a bucket of water and drown them. I've heard that drowning causes less suffering than any other way of kdlinz."  "?ow, Willie." said Clara, "run out and play, there's a good little boy. I expect Mr. Brindle shortly, anti I want to try the effect of my new gown on " " You'le too late sis," replied Willie, with a triumphant gleam in his eye. "Brindle called yestereay while you were out, and I brought out the , whole rig and showed it. to him, with the bills:" • AN old Scotch farmer, who had led a very fast life, lay on his death-bed, The parish minister was called in. "I am very pleased to observe you are afraid to meet your Maker," remarked the clergynnn, as he noticed the anxious and troubled look upon the face of the dying sinner. "Na, na," replied the old man, "It's no Him I'm feered for, it's the ither birkie." Son E recruits for a Highland regiment stationed in India were buifily engaged one morning in manual exercise, when a mosquito landed upon the tender and fiery nose of a young, irritable Celt. suddenly stopping in his mat teuvres, he put up his hand to Squelch the mosquito, when the drill sergeant, eyeing him, roared out: "Now, then, Donald, are you afraid that the musquito will eat your nose off ?" "No," moiled Donald, who was a bit of a wag, "I was only feared it wad mebbe burn its feet." "WELL, sir," said the old gentleman, indignantly, "what are yOu doing around here again? I thought that delicate hint I gave you just as you left the door last night would give you to understand that I don't like you very well. And the speaker looked at his boot in a reminiscent way. " It did," said the young man as a look of mingled pain and admiration came over his face. "But I thought I would come and ask you-" "Ask me what ?" "If you would't like to join our football association ?" A YANKEE riding in a railway carriage was disposed to astonish the other passengers with tough stories. At last he mentioned that one of his neighbours owned an immense dairy and made a million pounds butter and a million pounds of cheese yearly. The Yankee, perceiving that his veracity was in danger of being questioned, appealed to a friend. "True isn't it mister? I speak of Deacon Browne." " Y-e-s." replied the friend, "that is, I know Deason Browne. though I don't know precisely how many pounds of butter and cheese he makes a year; but I know he has twelve sawmills, and all go by buttermilk." A FAMINE, who was purchasing a pony from a horse dealer. was careful to ask if the pony was easily startled. The dealer declared that it would stand any kind of noise, and as a test he agreed to ride along the road, while the fanner would hide in a hedge, and, on the pony passing the place, the farmer was to leap out and cry "bow," like a dog. Accordingly, the dealer came trotting along, and on reaching the agreed-upon place the farmer sprang out and gave the precoucerted signal of alarm. The pony stopp.,d with a suddeness that sent the dealer light over its head, fiat on the road. On rising up from the ground, the dealer, who looked somewhat sheep-faced, said deprecatingly to the fanner: "Man alive? that was owre lood a bowff for a wee pony like that."  "Ii I was a horse, now," mused a big boy, one day "I'd be stabled, rubbed down, and fed; but, because I'm only a boy, I've got to go home, bring in wood, carry water, and rock the old baby for an hour or two."