The Northern Guardian. — 1893-07-20 (Hartlepool, Cleveland, England)

FIELL-BEARDED grandfather recently had his beard shaved off, showing a clean face for the first time for a number of yeast At the dinner-table his three-year-old granddaughter noticed it, gazed long with wondering eye, and tinally ejaculate 4 " Qrandfather, whose head have you got on?" A FREACIIpaper reports a murder trial in which a witness testified that he beard two pistol shots on the staircase, and sent his wife to see what was thp matter. "Did you not go up the stairs yourself ?" asked the Court. " No, sir," replied the witness, "I was afraid of the revolver.' A SIAN went for the doctor to attend his wife, who was ailing. When they arrived she was asleep, and snoring loudly. 'Dear me, David," said the doctor, "how do you sleep with a woman that snores Ides that?" "me gets used wit," said David; "its needling seat() what I has to thole free her tongue when she's waukin' l" " TILWE a very stupid brute of yours, John," said a Scottish minister to his parishioner, the peat-dealer, who drove his merchandise from door to door in a small cart drawn by a donkey. "I never see you but the creature is braying." " Ah, sir," said the peat-dealer," "Ye ken the heart's warm when friends meet." _  MR. NICHOLAS KM, formerly a member of the Hungarian Reichstag, possesses a hotel at Paris. Attie foot of the staircase be hee planed in elegant SaVeall Cr tirelire, surmounted by a parrot. When anyone oomes down or goes up the staircase the parrot screams out," Szegedin !" The visitor look round astonished, seem the tirelire, and puts something in it. The parrot has already collected more than 8000 fr. WILES Mr. Billony went home the other day and saw a handsome bouquet reposing on one of the parlour chairs, he mentally observed that it was e shame to let such beautiful flowers lie there to wither; so he took them up tenderly, procured a basin of water, and placed them carefully therein, and th e same instant his wife gave a piercing scream, and. fended dead away. But it was too late, Mrs. Billmay's now flower bonnet was utterly ruined. AN Italian bishop, while at a large dinner party, attempted to take a silver chafing dish in his hands. It was so hot that he put it down more rapidly than he intended, for the divorce was accompanied by expressions from the Athanasian creed. A. guest instantly drew forth his memorandum book and began to pencil. The bishop asked, "What are you writing r "Your prayer against hot dishes. I myself may wish to use it one of these days." Tux Professor of Nateral Philosophy in a certain college gave his class a problem to think over during thenight, and answer next day. The questioa was Ibis: "If a hole were bored through the °entre of the earth, from side to side, and a ball dropped into it, what motions would the ball pass through, and bow would it come to a state of rest ?" Ilse neat morning a fellow was called op on this philosophical problem. " What answer d 0 you give to this gimetion ?" asked the professor. " Well, really," said he, "1 havp not thought of the main question, but of .a preliminary one. How are you going to get that hole through ?" Naw Definitions in Law: Cripinal conversation— Thieves' Latin—Writ of attachment—A love letter— Cellatia bonorum —A least of good things—Colour in pleading —A negro barrister—Commun pleas "Couldn't help it"—" Not my fault "—Property by confusion—Purses prit!ged in a row—Simple contract —Vodertaking to supply a member of the Long Firm with goods—Lineal descent—Fall of the slothes-line—Aniinals donaibr nuturer—Husbands— Embracery—Swsethekrting—Socage—Early childhood—Freehold in futuro—A. castle in the air— Marriage of idiots—Nine weddings out of ten— /az/ices ordinarii—Bed-looking jodgeA—Compulsive loan—" Your money or your life"—Primary conveyance—" First cab." THIS absurd interrogatories at times proposed by examiners in Board schools often produce somewhat ludicrous answer indeed, the clevureat children would stein to be floes who, instead of answering the examiners according to their folly, dodge them humorously and r.i.ly as though they were dealing with propoundrr.. of conundrums. A clockinakere daiighter Was called upon to explain the meaning of "the devil end all eis works," paid that his "works" meant his inside. A boy of genius asked what he understood lu "poor in spirit," replied, "Them as have little left in their bottle." The inspector called upon an intelligent, pupa to say what a meniior was, when the youth replied, "A biro-clad."  IT doesn't tato a seliooNry long to evince a love for division, providel another boy owns the apple.