The Cotton Factory Times. — 1889-09-20 (Manchester, Greater Manchester, England)

HEART WAS TOUCHED.--" Look here, Tom," said the first weary, toilworn tramp, "this is the parson's house, the window's open, and all the folks are at church, an' they don't keep no dogs, so we couldn't have dropped on a better pitch." "The parson's house, do you say ?" asked the second weary wayfarer, with suppressed emotion. Bill, I've been a bold, bad man, but I have never yet robbed the clergy. They 'as to work 'ard for their bit, and their pay is small; besides, some of the tenderest recollections of an innercent boyhood is coupled with my Sunday school (wipes away s tear.) But, Bill, you haven't got the same feelink in the matter I has; an' if yer've made up yet mind to bust the place, why I'll stay outside an' keep watch, an' I'll give a whistle if I see an one comirC ."  A barrister blessed with a keen sense of the ludicrous can often extract a verdict from an appreciative jury by the aid even of a single joke. The famous Sergeant Wilkins was once defending a breach of promise case, when the counsel for the plaintiff made a most eloquent appeal for his suffering and injured client, winding up with the worth., "And, gentlemen, she is an orphan !" The effecc of this was so successful that several of the intent gent jury gave convincing signs to the initiated of unpleasantly sentimental damages against the defendant. But Sergeant Wilkins was equal to the occasion. When he rose to his feet, he laid his hand upon a waistcoat from beneath which, to him, the toes of his well-blacked Wellingtons were quite invisible, and, in a voice husky with good living and good humour, began his speech with, - Gentlemen of the jury, I also am an orphan." The effects was irresistible, and the sentimental counsel was laughed out of court.  A Marietta merchant tells how he sold a secondhand coat that had been worn but a few times. He had repeatedly tried to sell the coat to different coloured men, but always failed. So he tried a new scheme. He got a cheap pocket-book, and stuffed it ingeniously with paper, and put the book in one of the pockets of the ooat. He accosted a negro man and wanted to sell him the coat. The coloured gemtnan " said he didn't desire to buy the coat. "Yes, but you jest try it on. It belongs to a man who has plenty of money, but has no use for the coat." The ne:!ro put the coat on, put his hands in the pockets, and of course he felt the fat pocketbook. His eyes fairly dilated with an astonished, but pleased, expression. Boss," he inquired," what do you ax tor dis coat 7" "Three dollars and fifty eents." "I takes it, boss !" and with the satisfied of a man who had just come into the possession of a fortune the darkey took the coat and went his way rejoicing. OKLXHOXIA Hem. /insts.—Gents goin' to bed with their boots on will be charged extra. Three raps at the door means there is a murder in the house, and you must get up. , Please write your name on the wall paper, so we know you've been here. The other leg of the chair is in the closet if you need it. If that hole where the pane of glass is out is too much for you, you'll find a pair of pants back of the door to st.Tff in :t. The shooting of a. pistol is no cause for any alarm. If you're too cold, put the oil-cloth over your bed. Cerseen lamps extra; candles free, but they musn't burn all night. Don't tare off the wall paper to light your pipewith. NMI of that already. Guests will not take oak them bricks in the mattress. If it rains through that hole overhead you'll find an umbrella tinder the bed. The rats won't hurt you if they do chase -h other across your face. Two men in a room must put up with one chair. Please don't empty the sawdust out of the pillars. If there's no towel handy use a piece of the carpet.