The Atherstone, Nuneaton, and Warwickshire Times. — 1881-07-23 (Atherstone, Warwickshire, England)

TII TIMES,  WIT AND HUMOUR.  PLAMAlllll.—Actors. A Mayon's Nrsr.—The Mansion UOUlle. THE SOLE Scnvivon.—The " upper" of an o shoe.  SUPREME Cot RT.—Psying attention to two r women at one sitting.  patty called  WHY should not an absconding debtor be a swindler P—Because he is a nen dee man. ANOTHER WORSE lIALF.—Mes. Snidkins says that her husband is a three-handed man—right.handod, left-handed, and a little bekind-hand. THREE GRACEs.—" Battle," "Murder," and "Sudden Death'' are the three fair sisters in New rpaht whose charms are particularly killing. /4ititthoE says that he once knew a man w_hw had rdraneed to such& pitch of self-es 1%. teem that never mentioned himself without taking off hi hat.  "WHERE will you put me when I come to tee you in your castle in the air" asked a gentleman of a young girl.—" In a,brown study," she replied. A CINCINNATI paper says that the politest young man going is a resident of that city. He took off his hat to talk to,a lady through the telephone.  IN boarding-school parlance "A stitch in time saves nine" is now rendered—" The first impression of a needle upon a rent obviates a nine-fold introduction."  GREAT IS TRETII !-A Ftench writer says, "I believe that women prefer those whom they think handsome. Error They prefer those who think them handsome."  Ila promised to cleave to her, and when they went to the theatre and he came back between the acts mith.a piece of cork in his whiskers she knew from the fragrance he exhaled that he had clove.  " TitinE's some things as old as the hills anyhow," said old uncle Reuben. "What arc they ?" asked his niece. "They're the valleys between 'cm, child," solemnly answered the old man.  " WHEN a vessel loses its masts, why do they call a temporary one a jurymast, father" " l'in sure I don't know," said the father, " unless it is because it's a mast that doesn't amount to much."  Mn. JOE,: "Where were you working before you came hero ':"—Bridget : "I was wurkin' for a woman that has a big house in Woburn Place, an' shure there vhas another lady w there too."  A WOMAN pianist, who plays only with one hand, is just now the talk of Paris. If we remember rightly, the Italian organist invariably plays with one hand. The Italian has a wonderful turn for music.  A t4caew, on feeling a patient's pulse, said: "I suppose you consider me a humbug," to which the patient responded: " how odd it is that yon can tell a person's thoughts so accurately by just feeling his pulse." A SERVANT who prided herself on living in a genteel family, being asked to define the term, said, " Where they keep a carriage, have three or four kinds of wine, and never pay a biLl,he first time it's called for."  "ARE you any relation to my sister ?" He blushed and stammered until the young lady, taking pity on him, solved the matter by saying, " No, but he'd like to be; wouldn't you, Alfred ?" Cards will loon be out.  THEY were at a dinner party, and he remarked that he supposed she was fond of ethnology. She said she was, but she was not very well, and the doctor had told her not to eat anything for dessert but oranges. l'oriczmAN (to group of small boys) : "Conic, now, move on There's nothing the matter here." —Sarcastic boy: "Of course there isn't. If there was, you wouldn't be here." A HAUGHTY man disdainfully threw an orange peel upon the pavement. But in a little while, as the haughty man again passed that way, the orange peel threw him into the gutter.