The Stourbridge Observer, Cradley Heath, Halesowen & District Chronicle. — 1884-08-09 (Stourbridge, West Midlands, England)

CUTTINGS FROM AMERICAN PAPERS.  A lawyer at the Chicago bar was recently held for contempt of Court for simply making a motion before the judge. Perhaps we may as well explain that the motion looked towards throwing an inkstand at the justice's head. A country woman, who was 'visiting her married daughter in New York, wrote home that she was "living on a flat." A family council was held to determine what the phrase meant. The oldest son, who had been to the city, said it meant that she was "living in a great big house." But the majority came to the conclusion that she meant that she was living on her son-in-law.  Two Rochester men went a-fishing, and on their return were asked as to their success. "Oh," said one of them, "we had about the same measure of fortune; Brown brought home a perch and I a pole." A Philadelphia man who went west a few weeks ago to seek his fortune, has returned. The first week out he encountered a cyclone, and the second week he was shot at twice, and the third week a cross-eyed woman insisted on making love to him. He says he could have stood the first two, but the third was too much.  'Aunt Tabitha visited an up-town atudio, the other day, and was admiring the portraits, when the artist quietly inquired of her: "Wouldn't you like to be taken from life, madam?" " Laws mercy ! " exclaimed she, starting for the door, "I hope I ham% fallen into the hands of a murderer!" And she retired in evident alarm before the artist could say a word in explanation. Deafness, it is said, can be cured by one being suddenly surprised. All the physician need do, therefore, is to whisper t 2 the patient that he doesn't intend to charge anything. Ten chances to one the patient will hear.  --;-‘-What kind of a dog is that?" asked the major of a colonel as he saw a lean, hungry looking canine poking his head and neck through the front gate. "That's a watch dog,''observed the owner, proudly. "Is he a good watch dog?" "Well, I guess so. It takes my wife and myself over half our time to watch him for fear he'll eat up everything in the house." , An Arkansaw jeweller announces that he is the only lapidary in his town. Give a good cat half a chance at cream, and the people would see a lap a dairy work done quick enough. A Milwaukee farmer recently forwarded a letter to a neighbouring town requesting .the postmaster to deliver it " to.any respectable'attorney." After" ten days, it was retter.ned with the significant indorsement: "None here."., A Kentucky woman has been supplied with an iron jaw, and her husband is unhappy. He says she will have that jaw worn out in about three weeks, and he can't afford to buy her a new one sixteen times a year. A little Boston girl joyfully assured her mother the other day that she had found out where they made horses—" she had seen a man in a shop just finishing one of them, for he was nailing on his last foot."  “Dear me,” cried Mrs. Blossom, as she laid down the paper, it does seem to me as if State militia fellows are always in trouble. Here's an account of a recent inspection where the company turned out fifty-three men. Top bad, ain't it?" A Chicago firm is introducing wooden slippers into this country. The small boy is all in a sweat for fear his mother will take it into her head to buy a pair. A venerable Michigan editor attributes his long life to the fact that he has never had money enough to pay his funeral expenses, and couldn't afford to din. When the teacher asked what was the feminine of tailor, a small boy on a front seat in a public school in Brockton promptly exclaimed, "Dressmaker," and was greatly delighted that he was able to get in the answer first.  A Galveston school teacher asked a new boy: "If a carpenter wants to cover a roof fifteen feet wide by thirty feet broad with shingles five feet broad by twelve feet long, how many shingles will be needed ?" The boy took up his hat and slid for the door. "Where are you going ?" asked the teacher. "To find a carpentnr. He ought to know that better than any of we fellars."