The Blandford and Wimbourne Telegram. — 1883-06-01 (Blandford, Dorset, England)

HEARD ON THE HILL.  Dick: What'll win? Why, it is all hover, bar the shouting. 'Arry Lor, now! and how do you know that? Dick: 'Ow do I know that ?—why, from reliable 1., formation; that's 'ow I know that. A cove wot's in the swim, and ou4it to know his way about, mein.; he has been fined at Dow•etreet for assaulting the Police, 'e 'card Lord Falmouth say to "'archer, "I'll stand you the best dinner that money can procure, if you gets his 'cad in frout." So 'ere goes my money on Gallihard. 'Airy: And mine. Lor, what a lot you know ! You weren't born yesterday !  First Sporting Prophet : What have you gone for, old man? Second Sporting Prophet: Beau Brummel and Ladislas. And you? First 6porting Prophet : Gaillard and The Prince. Second Sporting Prophet: Ah ! And backed them? First Sporting Prophet: Me! No; I have got a pile on Splendor. What do you fancy yourself? Second Sporting Prophet : Ifamako carries my money.  Our Cheerful Punter : What have you done, Charlie! Charles his Friend: Backed every beast in the race. Our Cheerful Punter : What will do you most good? Charles his Friend: Nothing will do me any good. Whatever horse wins I must lose.  Green: Here is my ticket. I want £7 100. Brown of Sheffield: You want 1.7 10e. ! Veil, I 'opes as 'ow you'll get it. But you have no chance 'era; so cut.  Green: But I made the bet with you. Brown of Sheffield: 1 loathes a thief, but I 'ate a liar. Let's see your ticket. There it is, in nice small pieces. Now, you 'ook, before I send for the Police. Look 'ere, this hinnocent cove Ira been trying a ramp on ! Crowd: Welsher ! Kill him! Welsher! Green : Gentlemen, Gentlemen, you are pulling me to pieces! I must really protest. Please do not knock my hat over my head like that. Ido wish you wonld not tear my clothes to ribands. They are the best suit I have. Oh ! who has been ungentlemanly enough to break my IMO and front teeth? Help! Murder! Police! Confidential Friend: Is it all right? Upright and Honest Jockey: We ain't trying a yard to-day.  Sportsman: flow did you come down, old Chappie? Masher : Don' know, don' care. Sportsman: But you must know whether you came down by the road or rail. Masher : But I don't. Awful jolly. Heaps' of Boy. cap'al party. 'Ave drink? Where are we Lash go and see horshes come out of istage-cloor !  Introduced: Oh, I say, you know that capital fellow you introduced me to. I have backed The Prince with him. Introducer : I don't think you were wise to do that. Introduced: But you said it was all right. Introducer : Well, as all right as anybody is :lowa. days. Introduced: How do you mean? Introducer: Well, he'll worry you like mad for the money if you lose, and he is certain not to settle if you win.  First Unknown: What, you here? Second Unknown: Hush! I am in London, on businees connected with the parish. First Unknown: Ah, lam at a May meeting. But what's the matter? Second Unknown: I thought I saw my Curate over there.  Simple-minded Individual: There, you fellows, while you've been gadding about, I have arranged the sweep beautifully. You've got a blank, Jones; so you have, Brown; you've got Prince Maurice, Smith ; you've got Bamako, Robinson; you've got Tyndrutn, Jackson; you've got Newfield, Thompson. I have drawn The Prince, Ladislas, Galliard, and the Field. Ham't we better have lunch?  Disconsolate Plunger: Hang the horses! Well, it's got to come out of somebody's pocket, if a church has got to be robbed. I don't care.  [From Funny Folks.]  THE Derby was won by Sir F. Johnstone's "St. Blaise "—hence a perfect Blaise of glory (which naturally accounts for its having been such a Blaise-ing hot day). IT is difficult to find an instance of more practical irony than the Amalgamated Society of Railway Servants investing £5,000 in railway stocks. In time, they might control a line, and then turn the tables with a venge. ance.  A.