The North Cumberland Reformer. — 1895-06-01 (Carlisle, Cumbria, England)

HOLDROYD'S GRAVEL PILLS. Try a small 'box, and if not satisfied your money will be returned. Price is 11-d of all Chemists, or post free 12 stamp:. from Holdroyd's Medical Hall, Cleakheaton, Yorks. Don't be put off. If you cannot get them, write at once to the Proprietor, and a box will he sent post free.  Too Mum Dirro.—Simpkins had been looking over his yearly grocery-bill, and he said to his wife what a lot of ditto you have had this year. Here's butter is. 6d. ; ditto, is. 6d. ; ditto, Is. 6d. ; ditto, is. 6d." Mrs. Simpkins declared she had not had any ditto, and said, "I always thought that man Jones, the grocer, was a mean cheat." Simpkins put on his hat and went to see Jones for an explanation. He returned iu about half an hour and met his wife, who said, "Have you found out anything about the ditto ?" " Yes," replied Simpkins, "1. have found out that I am a great fool and you are a ditto." His wife knew what he meant. Wo3rEN Aatax.—Mrs. Singleton put her head over the garden wall, and thus addressed her neighbour, who was hanging out her week's washjug: "A family has moved- in the empty house over the way, Mrs. Bell." " Yes, I know." "Did you notice their furniture?" "Not particularly." "Two van loads ; and I wouldn't give a couple of pounds for the whole lot. Carpets! I wouldn't put them down in tily kitchen. And the children! I won't allow mine to associate with them. And the mother ! She looks as if she had never known a day's happiness. The father drinks, I expect. Too bad that such people should come into this neighbourhood. I wonder who they are." "I know them." "Do you Well, I declare. Who are they then ?" "Why, the mother is my sister ! " A painful pause ensues, during which time Mrs. Singleton goes into the house. They do not speak now. TUE SCUOOLBOY AND ME BEG can. —A mischievous boy, to plague an old blind beggar, made a hole in a half-penny, and attached it to a piece of string; he then dropped the coin into the mendicaut's little cup, but when the latter, hearing it fall, proceeded to feel for it the boy jerked it out. This trick he repeated several times, to the great indignation of the blind man. IN day, he did a more impudent thing; be went up to the blind man, and, in a voice of affected compassion, said, "I have seen with pain the trick which has been played on you by a bad boy, and you would do well to chastise him. 1 now see him coming, and if you hear anything fall into your cup, it will be dropped by him." "'[hank you," replied the beggar, "I shall be prepared for him ; " and he grasped his walking-stick. Presently, it gentleman dropped a copper in the cup. Up jumped the mendicant, crying, I have caught you at last ! " and proceeded to belabour the donor without mercy. The gentleman, greatly astonished, shouted for help, and was rescued by tins passers-by. The boy had contrived to get away. The gentleman was the boy's schoolmaster. "Y AN KEE, Yon Brr ! "—A Kansas farmer possessed a very big, ferocious dog, and, with the intention of. drowning it, he tied around the animal's neck half-a-dozen bricks, and threw the brute into a half-filled Well. Next morning, intending to bury the body of his victim, ho went to the scene of the murder. Great was his surprise to find that the (lug had eaten all the bricks, drunk nearly all the water, and ‘N as loudly yelping at the bottom ! Bo Y