The Cotton Factory Times. — 1885-05-08 (Manchester, Greater Manchester, England)

DOMESTIC MAGAEINFS.—Wives who are always blowing up their husbands. It's a very mean act in a divorce lawyer to follow a wedding party to church for the purpose of distributing his cards. "Are you dead, Tim?" said an Irish father to his son, who had fallen down a well. "Not dead, father, but spacheless," came up from the pit. "The best thing to give your enemy is forgiveness," remarks a philosopher. This is particularly the case if your enemy happens to be larger than yourself.  School Inspector (who is examining the first class in geography): "Now, then, scholars, how is the earth divided ? " Head Boy : "By earthquakes, sir."  A. shopkeeper in the far West, having had a stormy discussion with his better half, pat the shutters up and affixed the following notice : 'Closed during altercations."  " How can I tell it is classical music ?" That is easy enough. When you hear everybody applaud and looked relieved after the piece is finished, then you can know that it is strictly classical. An Austin justice asked a coloured prisoner if he had ever been arrested before. " 'Rested befoah ?" " Yes ; have you ever been arrested before 2" "No, cab, I has nebber yit bin 'rested befoah. I runs so fast that hits as much as de pleeceman kin do her cotch me behind." Sue was TOO Yonso.—Grandmother "I'd like to go to the rink with you, Johnny." Johnny, who don't want to be bothered with the old lady: "Certainly, grandmother, I'll be glad to have you go with me, but you will have to own to the doorkeeper that you are over fifteen years of age." Grand'mother: "Then I guess I'll wuiG awhile yet. Johtiny."—Texus Siftings: A woman in Devonshire gave her husband six commissions to execute in London. He telegraphed back that be had executed five and forgotten the last. It was an order for an illuminated text for a Sunday school room. He was a good deal astonished when he received the reply, "Unto us this day a child is born—two feet wide and nine feet long."  The late Dean Stanley was once travelling in a railway carriage when a blustering man exclaimed, " I should like to meet that Dean of Westminster. I'd put a question that would puzzle him." "Very well," said a voice out of another corner, " now's your time." "Well, air, can you tell me the way to Heaven ?" "Nothing easier," said the Dean; "you have only to turn to the right and go straightforward."  An old lady was recently brought an a witness before a bench of magistrates, and when asked to take off her bonnet, obstinately refused to do so, saying, "There's no law compelling a woman to take off her bonnet." "Oh," imprudently replied one of the magistrates, "You know the law do you? Perhaps you would like to come and sit here and teach us?" "No, I thank you, sir," said the woman, tartly, "there are old women enough there now."  Convicted Murderer .(to his lawyer) "Can no ting be done to set aside the verdict?" Lawyer "I am in possession of certain facts that will prove two of the jurors to have been bribed." Convicted Murderer (anxiously) : In time to save me?" Lawyer "No, lam afraid not." Convicted Murderer: "Well, what's to be done ?" Lawyer: I'll tell you what's to be done. You just keep quiet and let them hang you, and I'll make everybody connected with the prosecution sweat for it." A man having spite against another, was going down a street the other day, when he met him and instantly called him a thief. Not to be insulted in the street he fetched him a summons, and had to appear on the following Monday. At length it came off, and the magistrates tined him five shillings and costs, or fourteen days. Soon as he heard the decision he turned and asked the magistrates, "Why, you conno stop folk fur thinkin' yet' con you?" "Oh, no." "Well, then, aw think he's a  . . • thief yet."