The Northern Guardian. — 1893-09-19 (Hartlepool, Cleveland, England)

ARIARICAN SPRECII ON TUE SMITH FAMILY.— " GeAlemen," said a candidate for Congress, "my name is Smith, and I am proud to say I am not ashamed of it. It may be that no person in this crowd owns that very uncommon name. If, however, there be one such, let him hold up his head, pull up his dickie, turn out his toes, take courage, and thank his stars that there are a few more left of the name sort. " Smith, gentlemen, is an illustrious name. And stands ever high in the annals of fame, Let White, Brown, and Jones increase its they will. Believe me that Smith will outnumber them still." Gentlemen, I am proud of being an original Smith, end not a Smithe, nor a Smythe, but a regular natural S-m-i-t-la, Smith. Putting a 'y' in the middle er an ' e st the end don't do, gentlemen. Who ever heard of a great man by the name of Smythe or Smithe ? Echo answers, who? and everybody lays nobody. But for Smith, plain S-m-i-t-h, Smith, why the pillars of fame are covered with that honoured and revered name. Who were the moat racy, .witty, end popular authors of this century? Horace and Albert Smith. Who the most original, pithy, ,and humorous preacher? it.,. Sydney Smith. To go further back—who was the bravest and boldest soldier in Sumpter's army in the revolution ? A Smith. Who palavered with Pow!mitten, galivanted with Pocahons, and became the ancestor of the first families in Virginia? A Smith again. And who, I ask—and I ask the question more seriously and soberly—who, I say, is that man, and what is his name, who ha* fought the most battles, made the most speeches, preached the most sermons, held the most offices, sung the most songs, written the most poems, courted the most women, kissed the most girls, and married the most widows? History says, I say, you say, and everybody says,Jobn Smith!" " Quzslis.'—Why are popular M.P.'s good climbers? Because they are frequently found at the head of the pole (poll).—What is light? A sovereign that isn't full weight.—lf you detected a false ghost, on what ground could you accuse him of murderous intentions? Because it was trying to frighten (fry ten) people.—What is it we all frequently say we will do, and no one has ever yet done? atop a minute.—Why is a child who gets stout as he gets teller like &newspaper reporter ? Because he picks up in-formation. As undergraduate at Cambridge, who found among the questions on his examination paper this: " Why will not a pin stand on its point ?" elaborately explained the point thus: "1. A pin will not stand on its head; much less is it possible that it shcfuld stand on ita point. 2. A point according to Euclid, is that which has no parts and no magnitude. A pin cannot stand on that which has no parts end no magnitude, and therefore a pin cannot stand on its point. It will if you stick it in." The same enlightened scholar says, "Go to ii county ball, and mark how the little people are all attracted by the great people, if you wish to understand what magnetism is." Its a trial, counsel tried in all ways to implicate the gardener in cross-examination, but he warded off the questions both skilfully and impudently. At length the presiding judge said re:taxingly, "We don't mutt to puzzle you; give us your own account of your knowledge of the prisoner plainly and honestly.'" Upon which Pat gave the following lucid and satisfactory evidence: " It was last Winsday three weeks as iver was, I was diggin' in the garthern when there pop, a head from over the hedge. 'Pat?' sin he. Wliat2' siz I. 'Are you there P'siz he. ' Where ?'