The North Cumberland Reformer. — 1895-03-23 (Carlisle, Cumbria, England)

THE IRISH DAD WAS TRICRED.—TIIO proprietor of one of the principal firms in Cork had remarked that his head clerk, for whom he had a real liking, had for some time past fallen into a great melancholy, and though he tried his best he could not find out what was the matter with the young man. One day at last the sufferer owned he was in love. "Well, marry her !" "Site belongs to one of the first families in the town, the parents will never consent." " Poch ! your position is good, your name honourable; they won't refuse. I will demand the girl for you. Does she love you ?" "Yes, but it's no use, the parents will not listen !" " 'Well then, elope with her !Do I know the girl P" "Yes, she will be at your ball next Tuesday." "Perfect. now listen to me, leave the ball quietly with her! Joseph, my coachman, will wait for you at the door and drive you to the station; he will ask no questions. When you are out of the way I will see the father and settle everything for you." "Is that really your advice? Do you want me to do it?" "Yes, I command you to do it. Now, cheer up ! " The next day the clerk proposed his plan to his sweetheart, -who made some objections at first, but overcome by his reasons, she said at last: "Won, if ho really orders it, I must obey ! " 'What was the general stupefaction when after the ball the daughter of the house was missing? "Fool that I was ! " exclaimed the father, "It was my own daughter! " The next day he wrote to them : "Come back, and you will be forgiven ! " So they were. Their children are still living.  TOMKINS' BunoLen.—lt Li not pleasant to be awakened in the middle of a cold night, with an intimation from your wife that there are thieves in the house. So one can hardly blame little Tomkins if he did not spring out of bed with alacrity. There was profound quiet. " Frederick, you are a coward. Why don't you go down ?" demanded Mrs. Tomkins. " No, Amanda, I'm not afraid ; 1,11 go, but let inc kiss the baby, for I shell never, never sea it again. In ten minutes I shall be a corpse." But she was inexorable. So there was nothing to do but comply ; but he did not do it without a struggle. " Amanda," he said, as he stood shivering, his teeth chattering the while. ." Haven't I always been a good husband to you F—haven't I bought you new bonnets, sealskin jackets, and high-heeled boots? And now you would have me gc down there to get murdered ; yea, sle.m iu tho most horrible manner—struck on the head with the kitchen poker, and knocked senseless, throat cut from ear to ear, eyes blinded with ettyohno pepperand then stabbed to death. Farewell! I forgive you. Tell the baby boy. when he grows up. that his father loved him and that be died bravoly.Knowing a set of murderers in the house, ha got out of bed, went downstairs, awl defiantly faced them, but was overpowered and killed. I don't owe--" " Fred," she shrieked, " you go and find out what's the matter !" " Well, I'll go," said the almost fainting man,as he moved towards the stairs,shivering, shaking, and quaking with fear. Slowly he descended to the hall and lit the gas therein—shuddered—down yet another flight—cautiously opened the kitchen door—and what did he behold? The cat was playing with an indiarubber ball!  Dirt thitiks itself the most abused When MATCHLESS CLEANSER SCAPis -ased.