Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1883-09-22 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

GAY.  A vExERATCLE matron of the old school, in the whaling burgh of Peterhead, bearing that a comet would appear and perhaps destroy the world, uttered the following lamentation : "Fat will the peer things that's awe tee Greenland dee, fan they come hatne frac, the fishin', and fin that there's Me wand till come tee 2"  " HERE'S Webster on s bridge," said Mrs Partington, as she handed to Ike a new =abridged dictionary. "Study it eontentively, and you will gain a great deal of inflammation." • • • • •  bins Pearrworow thinks that Pony-ties, from the "queer turas " they appear to take, should be named Aim-ties.  • AT a dinner-party in France 11 toast was given, " The land we live in." "With all my soul," responded an Irishman; " here's to Rom ould Ireland  A GENTLHXAN at an eating-house asked the person next to him if he would please to pass the mustard. "Sir," said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter ?" "Oh, no, sir," was the reply," I mistook you for a gentleman."  ALL the charm of the native is in his simplicity ; as in the case of the tipsy reveller who was harshly condemned by Alderman Porter to six mouths' imprisonment, with the remark, that he might pass the time in cursing whisky, Bedad, I will, said the poor fellow, " and 10 cursing Porter too.  MARIMT REPORTs.—Mrs Partington says she can't understand these 'ere market reports. She can understand how cheese can he lively-, and pork can be active, and feathers drooping— that is, if it's raining; but how whisky can be steady-, or hops quiet, or spirits dull she can't see ; neither how lard can be firm in warm weather, nor flour rising—lest there had been yeast put in it—sometimes it would not rise then.  • • • • A GENTLEMAN called one evening to see Snett, the comedian, at the stage-door of the tb efttre at which the actor was engaged. Seett not being in the theatre, the gentleman, to whom the actor's presence rits unknown, resolved to wait. Presently the actor came in drenched with the rain, which was falling heavily. " Pray, sir," said the gentleman, are you &tett ?" was the reply, "I rather think I'm dripping ." • • • • •  A veme-i acter offered himself to the manager of a theatre, who desired him to give a specimen of his abilities to the stage manager. After he had rehearsed a speech or two in a wretched manner, he wassaked whether he had ever acted any part in comedy. The young man answered that he had played the pert of iibel in the "Alchymist." To which his interrogator replied, "Yon surely are wrong. It was the part of Cain you acted; for lam sure you murdered Abel."  Many were the rencontres between Will Speir and the Earl of Eglinton, who condescended to familiarity with him, and in return allowed the same latitude of expression to the wayward Will. The vagrant oue day made a demand on his lorship form bottle of ale. "Deed, Will, gin ye kent it," replied the earl, "1 have not a farthing in my pocket just now; but just gang in there to Leesie Paterson's, and I'll tell her to gi'e yet, and I'll return in a few minutes and help you to drink it." The earl, faithful to his promise, returned in a short time, and taking a seat opposite to Will, "Ye may be a proud man this day, Will," said his lordship. "An' for what ?" queried the wit. • " Sitting drinking wi' 'an earl." " Elech, hech, man I ' great cause to be proud sitting aside an earl that hasna a bodle an his pouch to bless /abuser wi'."  An Irish member of Parliament, speaking of a certain Minister's well-known love of money, observed: " Let not the honourable member express a contempt for money, for if there is any one oilice that glitters in the eyes of the honourable member it is that of purse-bearer: a pension to him is a compendium of all the cardinal virtues. All his statemanship is comprehended in the art of taxing; and for good, better, and best, in the scale of human nature, he invariably reads penac, shillings, and pounds. I verily believe," continued the orator, rising to the height of his conception, "that if the honourable gentleman were an undertaker, it would be the delight of his heart to see all mankind seized with a common mortality, that he might have the benefit of the general burial, and provide scarfs and hat-bands for the survivors.  DE