Stockton Herald, South Durham and Cleveland Advertiser. — 1889-02-09 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

TILE CHEERFUL UNDERTAKER. A remarkably healthy and robust-looking young man walked into the establishment of a New York undertaker and asked to see the proprietor. A lolly-looking man in a rusty suit of blank responded to the call, and asked,  " What can. I do for you this morning 7"  "I impact I've got a can for you." w "Member of your family, I suppose. Will you favour me with the address of the remains ?" "Th. remains is me."  The undertaker looked amazed, and then he laughed heartily. He didn't often get a chance to laugh with people who called on him professionally, so he made the most of it. " ha ha! That's a pretty good joke. When did you, sh, depart from this life ?"  "Oh, I ain't deal yet, but I'm dead in earnest about this business. In a abort time I shall be a remains, and I want to attend to the preparations myself. In the first place, what have you got jaunty in the way of shrouds?"  "My dear sir, just step this way. Here is I something you will like with frills all down the front. Want to try one on aud look at yourself in the mirror ?" " N•o, not right now. That's very stylioh, certainly." "1 should say it was stylish. It lays over any funeral rainseut in the market. Here are all styles of coffins and caskets. Of course, you will need something of this kind. Here is one that will about fit you, I should judge," measuring him with his eye. "It is all lined with white satin. If you will take off your boots you can lie down in it if you want to try it on." "Not jest yet, although I am almost tempted to do so. I'm sure you are very kind. I hope you have got something bangup in the way of n hoarse. for I'd rather not die at all than be hauled round in an old express waggoo with a couple of spavined crowbaits." " My dear sir, I don't run that kind of an establshment. Everything is first-class with me. When I dash up to your late residence —you haven't told mo where you live yet— with a span of thoroughbreds harnessed to , the bran new hearse you see under that shed !you will be glad that you consulted me. See how new and shiny the hearse is! It is bran new. If you will climb in and lie down I bob the oprings up and down just to show what a nice ride you'll have. It's a positive enjoyment to ride in that hearse." " Yes, it belllllB to be right stylish." "Of course," said the undertaker, trying to look serious, "it's not my affair, and I don't mean any harm, but what's the cause of your approaching demise? You look about as healthy as they make 'am. Disappointed in , love?"  robust young man shook his bead. " Well, whatever it is, you can rely on me to do the square thing by you. My charges are rea6ouable. I never burled a man yet who lucked about wy prices." " I suppose not. The goods suit me, and I'll.lll in before the season gets under way and see about your figures." "Well, who are you, anyhow ?" " I'm a base ball umpire. I've been umpire two seasons, and have managed by strange leek to survive. lio umpire lives through three seasons. Perhaps I'll be murdered at the first game, but maybe I'll be spared until about the 4th of July. While there's life there's hope, yen know. Good morning, sir ; au reitertutr, as we say in French," and 110 was 6one.