The Cannock Chase Examiner. — 1877-09-21 (Cannock, Staffordshire, England)

THE DODGER DODGED.  How to prevent railway porters and baggage mate. .ars from smashing trunks is, says the Yew York Timer, one of the most dfficult problems of the age. An Illinois man, noticing that the only article which the baggage-smasher does not smath is a loaded coffin, provided himself with a coffin made of light cedar wood, furnished with nickel-plated handles, and a lid made to fasten with a lock. In this corn- , milieus receptacle he'packed his quinine, his with,Icy, his other paper collars, and all the various travelling paraphernalia of an Illinoisan, and sent it under cover of night to a distant railway station. In the morning he dressed himself in black, placed a wide " weed " around his hat, and presenting himself at the station, requested the baggage-enster, with an expression of deep woe, to chock his beloved wife for Chicago. Thebaggage-master, though hardened by yo in of trunk-smashing, still retained some traces of humanity in his composition. and refsitined from cursing the m:owning husband, although he firmly explained to hint that "dead wives couldn't be played oil on him 113 personal luggage," and that the husband would either have "to espress his good lady or to Fond her as special first-class freight." But the ingenious Illinoisan psreisted in his demand. He told the baggage-master that he mast either check those remains or be responsible for their safe keeping until the decision of the lawsuit which he should certainly bring against the comp any. Alarmed by this threat, the baggagemaster yielded, and checked the coffin for Chicago, whilst its owner went behind the freight-house and executed a wild dance of private triumph. Twice during the journey the bagg,atte was shifted from one car to another, and, while dozens of trunks were reduced to splinters, the COffill was carried by six men situ the most tender care. Its owner watched it front the window of the smoking-car, and chock. led in a delighted way that would alone have proclaimed him a happy widower. In time he reaehed Chicago, when doubtsits to the success of his invention drat began to assail him. The coffin was brought to his hotel by a local express-man, who had been unwarily entrapped into taking the check, but who charged the owner four dollars, and compelled him to pay by threatening to carry his wife to the nearest medical college and sell her to the students. No sooner had the express-man departed than the ingenious Illinoisan became involved in a di-pate with the I mdlord, who refused to allow the eTitt to be carried up stairs. "We can store your lely," said the landlord, "in the baggage-room, where she will be comfortable, bat it is against our rules to allow guests to have any remains carried to their tooms." Now, the Illinoisan wee anxious to get his paper collar and his quinine, but did not dare to open his coffin in public, eo he tried his utmost to coax and to bully the landlord into a departure from the rules of the house. The discussion soon attracted attention, and a coroner, who was waiting in the hotel in order to he on hand in case a few guests should be burned to death, promptly seized the coffin, and, empanelling a jury, proc,eded to hold an inquest with that rapidity and energy characteristic of the Western people when brought face to face with an opportunity to obtain cfficial fees. Great was the astonishment of the coroner and his jury when they viewed the supposed body. This astonishment on the part of the coroner himself soon gave way to anger when he reflected that he could not claim fees for holding an inquest on wearing apparel. He relieved Me mind by causing the arrest of the unhappy Illinoisan on the charge of having murdered a wife or wives unknown to the jury, and confiscated the coffin in part payment of the teas which he had expected to earn, and of which he considered himself defrauded. Thus the expedient for transporting baggage in safety came to a.disastrous end.