The North-Eastern Weekly Gazette. — 1888-02-18 (Stockton-on-Tees, Cleveland, England)

VANII.I:II7IBTER (slightly weary) : " Well, I d'clare I Wonner where polishe could er been. Thieves gone shtole key-hole." ir is no use for a piano to be square or upright. Mr Talmage is authority for saying that there will be none of them in Heaven. IF a Paris policeman gets drunk twice he is dismissed from the force. No Austin policeman gets drunk twice. He gets drunk once, and stays so. THY boy who quails at the sight of a mustard plaster is the same lad that goes fearlessly forth to tackle a bee's nest with a handful of willow switches. _  TRIS man who put in two months at the seashore without feeing a waiter can be told half a block away. Ile is so thin that you can Fiee through him. "I sc.E the Germans are making light of that Paris scandal," observed the Horse Editor. " Well, what else is a Paris candle for ?' asked the Snake Editor. ,  Naranto like an honest quill. A scientific journal starts an editorial with: " Our ancestors, the baboons of Africa," etc. Don't you ever get lonesome to see the old folk? " BROMLEY, I'm afraid that you are dying. Shall I send for the Rev. Mr Struthers ?" " Well, no. It would be necessary to send for another clergyman to consult with him." . . . . .  TUE buy who whistles twenty-five hours out of the twenty-four may not become a burglar or a murderer when he grows up, after all. He is likely not to grow up if you get a fair chance at him. ExerrEn German: " Stop ! stop! You vas mine window broke! Vanishing boy: "AU right, old man. Don't you see that I'm running home as fast as I can to get the money to pay for it I" A tux has been arraigned in a New York Court for robbing a plumber. It is supposed that the gentleman invited the plumber to dinner, and then refused to pay him for the time it took him to eat it.  LIFE Insurance Agent: "The advantage of our company is that you do not forfeit your policy either by being hanged or committing Euicide! Will you oblige by taking a prospectus ?".. . . .  IT is said that the world was created in six days, and we admit it for the sake of argument; but we think one more day might have been profitably devoted to some first-class preparation for paving streets. A MICHIGAN woman with a short and heavy stick has set out to walk to California. It is nothing uncommon for actresses to trairel all over the country with half a dozen sticks, and some of them make money at it, too. PATIENT "Doctor, what makes dese brane fevers hang on so long? Dia am de secon' monf I'se bin in dis bed I" Doctor (musingly) : "Searching for de brain, Mr Webster, am what takes up de time ob dese slow fevers."  " Paulo:um, did you kill this boy ?" "I did, your Honour; I ant his throat. He shot me in the ear with a rubber sling, and—" "The prisoner is discharged, and the Sheriff will give him back his knife, and tell the janitor to sharpen it for him." "I SUPPOSE you find times pretty hard," said a kind-hearted old lady to a tramp, "and often don't get enough to eat ?" "It's worse than that, mum," was the candid reply. "In these days it is hard to get enough to drink, let alone to eat."  "AND do you really love me, George ?" she asked. "Love you ?" repeated George, fervently. "Why, while I was bidding you good-bye on the porch last night, dear, the dog bit a large chunk out of my leg, and I never noticed it until I got home. Love you!" "STOP smoking," said the preacher, "and you will lengthen your days." "Well," said he a little while afterwards to one of his ' flock, "did you give my teaching a trial ?" "Yes," was the reply, "I did for one day, and it was the longest I ever spent—you were quite right."