The Atherstone, Nuneaton, and Warwickshire Times. — 1884-02-23 (Atherstone, Warwickshire, England)

WELL-KNOWN authoress sap, "Women don't love men for their goodness." rhat is lucky, if true.  A Peals woman has discovered how to prevent wrinkles. The remedy shortens life, but what of that?  ARCHBISHOP Whately, describing commonplace preachers, said, "In their sermons they aim at nothing, and hit." "Da mr.n wat urgently insists on yer eutin' dinner at his house," nays a plantation cynic, "is de man wat is glad wen yer refuses." THE Alaskans, says a geographer, are slow to anger. The fact is due to the circumstance that they belong to a fur-bearing community. IT is quite a common practice in Parliament to divide the house, notwithstanding we are told that a house divided against itself cannot stand. facia finger-rings fur gentlemen are coming into fashion. Iron bracelets for gentlemen in certain circles of society have long been fashionable. A YOUNO bride on being asked how her husband turned out, replied that he turned out very late in the morning and turned in very late at night. "TALKING about the jaws of death !" exclaimed a man who is living with his third scolding wife, "I tell you they are nothing to the jaws of life !" REAL estate is said to be good security because it never runs away. This, however, is not wholly reliable. We have known lands to slope before this. he a village church recently a paper was circulated asking for contributions "for the purpose of_paying the organist and a boy to blow the same." BURNEss—" Sir," wrote a tailor to a debtor, "if you will favour me with the amount of my bill, you will oblige me; if not, I must oblige you." PHILOSOPHERS say that shutting the eyes makes the sense of hearing more acute. A wag says that this accounts for the many closed eyes seen in church. Docroas now say that boiled cow's milk is not good for babies —it is better raw. The doctors are right; a raw cow gives better milk than a boiled one. A CHEMIST advertises for persons willing to undertake the sale of his new patent-medicine. He adds— " This will prove a lucrative business for the undertaker." • " Ar,As !" sighed Jenkinson—" Alas! to think that I, who am such a lover of nature, should discover, after my marriage, that I am indissolubly wedded to art." A nimosorirrea.i. son of Erin was overheard remarking to a friend: "Be sure you have a good time while you're living, for indeed but you'll be a long time dead." "TAKE care of the useful, and the beautiful will take care of itself." This is what the fond and numerous father remarked when he married off his ugliest daughter first. SAID Brown :—"Smith won't have such a soft thing as he has had." "I don't know," replied Robinson; "he'll have a soft thing as long as he doesn't lose his head." AN old widower says when you pop the question, do it with a kind of laugh as if you were joking. If she accepts you, very good; if she does not, you can say you were only in fun. JOIN of Arc successfully led an army to victory. But did she ever go to a picnic and not scream murder when a little grasshopper jumped down her neck? History is silent on this point. WE lately heard of a house-maid who, about to leave a family unexpectedly, and urged to give a reason for it, simply said:—" I can't stay, the young ladies speak such bad grammar." A WITNESS lil a Kansas law-court, being bullied by a cross-examining lawyer, called upon the Court for protection. The judge handed him a pistol. "I have no turther questions to put," said the lawyer. " ADOLPHUS cime out of college highly educated and made his mark in the world."—"But what of that ?" cried Mr. Seruggins ; "I never had any education, and I always make my mark. Education be blowed !" "MA," said Miss Parvenu, "Jennie Jones has been presented at Court." "That's nothing," replied ma; "why, I was in court two whole weeks when my sister was getting her divorce. We are just as good as the Joneses."