The Blackpool Herald. — 1880-10-22 (Blackpool, Lancashire, England)

MATCH-ILAXING =MUM to her marriageaMo daughter: "Virginia, dear, don't lose sight of that gentleman in mourning. He may be a widower."  Soils people will commit crime with one foot in the grave. A woman one hundred years old ii reported to be learning to play an accordion in Wales. " Wirtz, you'll own she's got a pretty foot, won' t you?"—" Yea, I'll grant you that; but it never made half such an impression on me as the oil man's."  A xuu old lady being told that a certain lawr,r " was lying at the point of death," exclaimed, y gracious I Won't even death stop that man's lYingr' 'To sweet as the gentle murmurings of an /Eolian harp to hear a bride of a fortnight's standing talk of the cares and trials incident to the management of a family.  AN African gem'man recently went into a black. smith', shop, "away out," in Texas, with his coattail pocket full of powder. He came out through the roof.  Wiigar a medical student informed his mother that he had begun his anatomical work, she asked him to "look out, the first thing, for the bone of contention."  IT takes off the edge of enjoyment of love's young dream when you learn from your jeweller that Miss L— has been in to learn the value of the last ring you gave her.  Two females have been arrested in the vicinity of the lake of Killarney, for the manufacture of illicit whisky. This is the first instance on record of women keeping still.  THE abolition of the drum-major in the French army is resolved on. He is no longer r.ecessary, because several other instruments are now proved able to beat the drum.  " Jtriaus, did you attend de last meeting ob de debating society P "—" Yea, sar."—" Well, what was de fust ting dat cum afore de house P "—" Why, it was a charcoal cart."  THE brilliant Sophie Arnold, when she heard of a certain diplomatist that had been eaten by the wolves, exclaimed, "Poor brutes! Hunger must indeed be a terrible thing!"  THE Japanese are a progressive people, and have discovered a method for applying the doctrines of Malthus, and keeping down the population. They have introduced paraffin lamps. "I won I had a receipt for making my own eye. water," said a lady; whereupon her little daughtex remarked, "Mamma, I can make my eye water any time by sticking my finger in it."  "Is it possible, miss that you do not know the names of some of your best friends "—" Possible! why, of course, it is. Ido not even knew what my name may be a year or so hence." A STROLLING theatrical company was at the dinner-table. A waiter approached one of the members, and said, "Soup P"—" No, air," replied the guest; "I am one of the musicians." A D• 111881. applied for a place behind the counter. "What clerical experience have you P" asked the man of dry gods.—" Very little," she said, with a blush, "for I only joined the Church last week." "So," said a lady to a strong-minded friend, "so you and Mr. B. are soon to become man and wife, I hear."—" I beg your pardon, we are to become woman and husband!" was the haughty response. "No, William," she mournfully uttered, still allowing him to retain her hand—"no, William, I can't marry you. I don't believe you can provide a wife with butter upon your present salary, and I can't eat oleomargarine., '  A worwr accidentally went to ehurch with two bonnets on her head—one stuck inside the other— and the other women in the oongrlgation almost died of envy. They thought it was a new kind of bonnet, and too sweet for anything. A cart-bridge over Ltie East Lancashire Hallway has fallen on the line. A train from Manchester to Baeup had passed under the bridge about five minutes before the accident happened. A signalman named Pipe, in his cabin about five kindred yards off, saw the bridge—a wooden structure—on the line, and immediately signalled to stop all trains. The Mot d'Ordre is responsible for an announcemalt that a convict in New Caledonia, named • Edouard Dined, one of the men who would have benefited by the amnesty, has been murdered by two marines, and that the Colonial authorities have been endeavouring to hush up the affair. It is stated that Diard was carried to the hospital, and died there for want of timely medical help. "