Andy Millman:  No . What are we doing ? Selling ourselves . Selling everything . The happiest day of my life - oh , quick , I 'll do the invites and bake a cake and get a press tent . Must have a press tent - it 's a wedding . I must see pictures of meself with other people I 'm in the programme with . Oh , now I 'm pregnant - we must televise the birth . Quick , see if Ryan Seacrest will present it . Maybe it 'll make E ! channel 's " 100 Greatest Caesarians " . I 'm not having a go at you . I 'm just sick of these celebrities just living their lives out in the open all the time . Why would you do that ? It 's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab . They call their publicist before they call a taxi . Then they come out and they do their second autobiography - this _ one _ 's called " Love Me or I 'll Kill Myself " . Well , kill yourself then . And the papers lap it up . They follow us around and that makes people think we 're important , and that makes us think we 're important . If they stop following us around , taking pictures of us , those people would n't take to the streets going " Oh quick , I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple " . They would n't care ; they 'd get on with something else . They 'd get on with their lives . You open the paper and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car , and the headline is " Cover Up Lindsay , We Can See Your Knickers " . Of course you can see her knickers - your photographer is lying in the road , pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers ! You 're literally the gutter press . And fuck you , the makers of this show , as well . You ca n't wash your hands in this . You ca n't keep going " Oh , it 's exploitation , but it 's what the public want " . No , the Victorian freak show never went away . Now it 's called " Big Brother " or " American Idol " , where , in the preliminary rounds , we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multimillionaires . And fuck you for watching this at home . Shame on you . And shame on me . I 'm the worst of all 'cause I 'm one of those people that goes " Oh , I 'm an entertainer , it 's in my blood " . Yeah , it 's in my blood , 'cause a real job 's too hard . I would love to have been a doctor - too hard . Did n't want to put the work in . Would love to be a war hero - I 'm too scared . So I go " Oh , it 's what I do " . And I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino is cold , or if they look at me the wrong way . You know what a friend of mine once said ? They said I 'll never be happy 'cause I 'll never be famous enough . And they were right . And if you 're watching this , I 'm so sorry . You 're my best friend . You 're my only friend . And you never did anything wrong . It was everything else . I 'll never do that again . I 'll never treat you like that again . It 's eating me that you asked me a stupid question once , and I just ... I could 've answered it and I did n't , 'cause I was ... I 'll answer it now : I 'd be the penguin , 'cause I could eat the flying fish . I know what you 're thinking - " why does n't the fish fly away ? " Well , it ca n't really fly ; it 's all glide and flap . They should be called ' glidey flappy fish ' . I 'm so sorry .
Darren Lamb: I 've been waiting to hear that , mate .
Shaun Williamson: I do n't think he was ...
Darren Lamb: He 's a good guy . He is a good guy .
Shaun Williamson: Yeah .
Andy Millman: I 'm gon na go now . Cheers everyone .
Output: REFERENCE autobiography