this is one of the worst big - screen film experiences i 've had for a while .
with this film , plus ` showgirls ' and ` basic instinct ' , paul verhoeven has stamped himself as currently
one of the worst blockbuster directors .
his celebrated film ` total recall ' was ?
i admit ? successfully scripted , but it nonetheless contained directorial flaws .
obviously nobody wanted to invest too much money in a production from someone like verhoeven , the result being that much of the special effects in ` starship ' seemed fake .
but not everything bad in the film was the director 's fault , even though he was one of the guys who employed the actors .
it is surprising that none of the actors received nominations for the razzie awards ( i expected five for the acting categories ) .
casserole vanity devoid , dense ribald , dingy miasma , and jackass bushy
are in serious need of acting school .
no , they have to pass primary school drama classes first .
while ` total ' was written well , ` starship ' is purely pathetic .
all right , it is supposed to be a fast - paced entertainment film , and you 're supposed to turn off your intellect ( completely ) and enjoy the action sequences and special effects ( that is , guts and gore ) .
as a matter of fact , i found the activity incredibly boring , a complete waste of more than two hours .
half of the film was a bad episode of ` beverly hills 90210 ' ( dina meyer was in " beverly hills " ) , while another quarter was simply nothing ( things like presenting irrelevant information in an irritating way on the web ) , and the rest was a display of humans fighting computer - generated images .
the battles were all the same ? jumping around , shoot or get stabbed ? and on barren planets that only had giant insects .
there were n't even any stunts , which i consider slightly more exciting than pictures running around .
i wonder what the insects eat , if there 's nothing but them on the planets ?
there is so much laughable treatment in this film , and it is frankly not amusing when jokes are intended .
this type of story is obviously aimed at 10-year - olds , who ca n't see it anyway because of the violence and some sexuality .
but then , there are always 16-year - olds who have that frame of mind .
the pointless plot begins when johnny 's ( vanity devoid ) girlfriend carmen ( richards ) decides that she wants to join the troopers to fight the insects who are throwing asteroids at earth .
johnny then signs up as a trooper also , after an overacted argument with his parents .
but there is another girl , dizzy ( meyer ) , who likes johnny and then there is another boy who likes carmen , which results in a love quadrangle , which is n't better , because it means augmented worse - than - stereotyped soap opera , increased bitchiness , and more bad beverly hills + melrose .
and the result of this love quadrangle at the end is also rather stupid .
anyway , getting back to the thing you might call plot , johnny is too stupid to be a pilot and has to join the infantry , while his girl and the other dude are in the same league .
dizzy comes chasing johnny and joins the infantry also .
they then start training , which contains what roger ebert calls ips ( idiot plot syndrome , moments when only an idiot would have made such obvious mistakes ) , then real combat . and guess what ?
that 's about as complex as it gets .
oh , and one of their friends , carl ( neil patrick harris a .
k .
a .
doogie howser m .
d . ) , becomes involved in war intelligence , and his abilities at the end are really corny and make me want to spray insecticide on someone for it .
he 's my fifth nom for a razzie .
the troopers fight , fall in love , die , kill , and try to act .
naturally , they win , or sort of half - win .
of course , in between ( and at the end ) there are soldiers chatting and smiling while carrying grievous wounds caused by bug legs .
the bugs also suffer from ips : why would you release hold of your captive before killing it ?
is n't it also amazing that earthlings have n't invented better hand - held weapons by then ?
the only question that remains is why i gave it one star instead of zero .
well , maybe a - quarter ( of a star ) for the originality of the co - sex shower scene and the ( very ) brief moments of suspense , another quarter for copying ` zulu ' and letting the good guys ( the bugs ) win , and half a star for the sucking - out of the brain of one of those people who call themselves actors ( but there should have been more , the troopers deserved to die ) .
Output: N