niryuu/sni-each-converted huggingface dataset:
" holy man " boasts a sweet , gentle , comic performance from an unusually subdued eddie murphy and a few moderately funny skits .
unfortunately , to get to the good stuff you have to sit through a painfully long set - up , loads of tedious filler , interminable shots of jeff goldblum stammering and twitching ,
a superfluous romantic subplot and quite possibly the most annoying performance of robert loggia 's career .
if ever a movie screamed " wait for video so you can fast - forward through all the dull and annoying parts
, " this is it .
eddie murphy plays g , a robed nomadic pilgrim wandering the land enjoying the moment and spreading his spiritual message .
a chance meeting with ricky hayman ( goldblum ) ,
a stressed - out executive of a home - shopping channel , and kate newell ( kelly preston ) , a no - nonsense media analyst , results in physical injury to g . quicker than you can say " the odd couple ,
" g ends up rooming with an extremely leery ricky .
after some script gymnastics , g appears live on the air at the good buy shopping network , wreaking havoc on the cheesy product demonstrations , enraging network owner mr .
mcbainbridge ( loggia ) , and becoming a national media sensation .
" holy man " attempts to be several things at once .
it tries to satirize home shopping networks , but it 's difficult to effectively make fun of something that is already a self - parody .
the film attempts to teach us that collecting material possessions is merely a futile attempt to fill the spiritual holes in our hearts , but that 's common knowledge already .
" holy man " also tries to present a story of redemption , as ricky hayman tries to decide whether to exploit g 's good will to achieve financial security or do the right thing at the expense of his career .
anyone want to place a wager on his final decision ?
the one genuine asset in " holy man " is eddie murphy , who gives a charming performance , sharing love , good will and relevant advice to all those around him , while beaming his million dollar smile at just the right moments .
murphy is delightful and the film takes off whenever he 's onscreen .
unfortunately , he 's not onscreen enough .
jeff goldblum gets the lion 's share of screen time and his tired storyline weighs the proceedings down .
as his potential love interest , kelly preston tries to brighten things up , but she transforms from an all - business media shark to an empathic softy far too quickly and the abrupt change reeks of contrivance .
the other principal actor , robert loggia , wastes his talents in a one - note turn as a ruthless , screaming monster .
structurally unsound and way too long
, " holy man " is appealing when murphy is onscreen and dull
when he is n't . instead of dropping your money at the theater for this trifle , wait until it hits video and fast - forward past everything except the murphy scenes .
g suggests that we focus on enjoying the moment and that 's the best way to do so .
Output: N
surrounded by hype , high hopes , and the promise of an over - the - top performance by clueless 's brittany murphy , do n't say a word looked full of promise .
hell , when i hear that " i 'll never tell " whisper on the tv commercial , goose bumps run up my spine .
alas , word is filled with little but disappointment , a kooky mix of girl , interrupted and ransom , with michael douglas and company collecting a paycheck to plod through a vapid and dull kidnapping thriller .
douglas stars as nathan conrad , renowned new york psychologist , devoted father of jessie conrad ( skye mccole bartusiak ) , and loving husband to aggie conrad ( famke janssen ) .
after a gang of jewel thieves , headed by sean bean 's koster , kidnaps his daughter , nathan is forced to extract from his new patient , the catatonic and violent elisabeth burrows ( murphy ) , the location of some hidden bank job booty that her father hid from the koster gang a decade ago .
but with hard - nosed detective sandra cassidy ( jennifer esposito , doing her best
j .
lo impression ) tracking down koster and his gang of hoodlums , the stakes are raised as nathan races against the clock to crack the mystery of elisabeth 's head in order to get the goods inside .
the catch - nathan only has until five o'clock to solve the puzzle !
whoa , the suspense is almost too much .
do n't say a word loses the audience inside of 15 minutes .
murphy looks and acts like linda blair from the exorcist during the first part of the movie , then turns around and reprises like her role from girl , interrupted .
and the only real " crazy " to be found in the film is director gary fleder 's ( things to do in denver when you 're dead ) staggering use of flashback sequences .
oliver platt , famke janssen , and even sean bean are decent actors , but the stuff they are given here -- such as a bedridden wife fighting off the token black guy with her crutch -- is insulting and demeaning .
additionally , the use of the surveillance cameras and laptops to track nathan 's every move is downright unbelievable .
how do ex - cons fresh out of the big house afford all this equipment ? despite its flaws ,
do n't say a word is surprisingly some of the best mainstream film you 'll find this month -- and audiences will lap it up .
americans love
lukewarm , half - baked thrillers starring big names and accompanied by cheap thrills .
someone get me my lithium !
Output: N
some concepts seem patently hopeless from the beginning , a live - action version of mr .
magoo being a prime example .
the cartoon figure mr .
magoo , the bumbling blind man , can be quite funny , but only in small doses and only within the confines of animated images .
if you think naked gun star leslie nielsen is a dubious choice to play the role of the short guy who runs into walls , you are right , but there is an even more astonishing selection .
for a director they tapped hong kong 's stanley tong , whose resume consists mainly of a handful of movies featuring martial arts expert jackie chan .
the story , such that there is one , is about a large , stolen ruby , which looks a woolworth reject .
mr .
magoo gets it and , of course , does not realize he has it .
mayhem then ensues as the bad and the good guys chase each other with mr .
magoo frequently oblivious to the fact that anyone is being chased .
like home alone 3 but
without any class , mr . magoo can only be described as painfully bad .
fifteen minutes of it feels like an eternity .
the movie 's humor is pathetically lame , and the pacing is way off .
when one is stuck in a theater for an hour and a half watching what claims to be a motion picture , one looks for some solace .
mr .
magoo provides only three such moments .
the movie begins and ends with the classic cartoon version of the character , who exudes his usual charm .
the only other saving grave in the movie itself is angus , the sweet little bulldog .
angus demonstrates more genuine emotions and a wider acting range than any of the humans in the picture .
finally , the ending credits contain outtakes of the movie , which have some of the genuineness and spontaneity that the movie badly lacked . rather than attempt to adapt mr .
magoo to a non - cartoon movie , nielsen makes the strategic mistake of trying to literally be a human version of the cartoon .
he has trouble sustaining the squinting eyes and the affected voice , and
even when he does it comes off as awkwardly unfunny .
my wife managed to get some sleep during the movie , but i was not so lucky .
hopefully , this picture will force producers to think harder about which subjects have promise and which do not .
mr .
magoo runs 1 : 37 .
it is rated pg for comic violence and would be acceptable for all ages .
my son jeffrey , age 8 , said he thought the movie was good and really funny , but recommends you not choose it if you want an action movie .
he said he liked home alone
3 much more .
his friend maxim , age 9 , said that he thought it was good but
very silly and parts did not make sense .
his other friend nickolas , age 8 , said he 'd give the movie
*
* * 1/2 , but that
it was really silly .
Output: N
breakdown is an moderately entertaining , if underwhelming , thriller .
kurt russell and kathleen quinlan play couple jeff and amy taylor , taking the scenic route to california through redneck country .
however , while in the middle of nowhere , their jeep decides to break down , leaving them stranded .
a friendly truck driver , warren ( walsh ) , offers to give them a lift to town .
although jeff rejects the offer ( he wants to stay with his car ) , amy agrees , hops into warren 's lorry , and promptly disappears .
jeff wonders where the hell she is , and when he later catches up with warren and warren says he has never seen amy in his life , the plot thickens and jeff goes on a chase to find his wife .
although comparisons can be made with this film to deliverance ( 1972 ) and the vanishing ( 1993 ) plot wise , the latter two are far superior character and script wise .
kurt russell is o .
k as jeff , although he can seemingly only pull of one expression , which is angry .
throughout the whole film , he looks angry ( or just pissed off . )
quinlan is o .
k again , but again
she can only pull off one expression , which is looking dorky .
throughout the whole film , she looks dorky .
j .
t walsh ( who , sadly , recently passed away ) is fine as warren ( who we soon find out is a kidnapper )
although his actual character is pretty weak , and not really menacing enough .
the supporting cast do their best aswell , with rex linn as a doubting sheriff , and the other kidnappers .
the story , written by first - timer jonathan mostow ( who also directs ) is o .
k ,
if surprisingly familiar and sometimes extraordinarily stupid .
some of the things the characters do in this movie is beyond the bounds of idiocy .
there are some flaws with the plot also , as the characters do the complete opposite to logical ( presumably to keep the story ' exciting ' ) and also the fact that the story just is n't strong enough to sustain the audience 's attention .
the picture moves along very slowly also .
it almost threatens to drop dead .
the picture does pick up towards the end , but by then it 's too late .
mostow directs the action sequences well enough , however .
the film does n't really come to a satisfying conclusion , either .
the ending tries to be bleak , but just comes off annoying
.
breakdown could of been a far more enjoyable picture
had it had a stronger cast and director .
instead , it just turns out to be merely average .
a missed opportunity .
overall rating= review by david wilcock
Output: N
ugh .
that about sums this movie up .
just , ugh .
the original godzilla movies are somewhat of a cult classic , and when reviewing the previous films , each film had a certain degree of intelligence .
and that was the reason they found such an enviable cult following ; in spite of bad special effects , horrible dubbing , and a man in a lizard suit , they maintained a certain degree of . . .
how to put this ? . . .
dignity ?
not quite the word i 'm looking for .
you understand , right ?
and in 50 years , godzilla has maintained that degree of ' whatever ' . leave it to america to screw the whole thing up .
> from the ' geniuses ' that brought us " independece day " , arguably the worst sci - fi movie of all time , to ruin whatever reputation godzilla had .
while they do bring us eye - popping special effects that will amaze you ,
they lost what was at the center of all the original godzilla movies -- a storyline .
summing up the movie is simple .
heck , i can do it in one sentence : giant lizard attacks a giant city and a bunch of nobodies stop it .
simple as that .
matthew broderick
stumbles over his lines , and it 's hard to picture hank azaria in any role besides his classic dog - walking character on the television show " mad about you " .
the dialogue seems to be improvized , almost as if there was no rehearsel done at all .
i can see the scene on the set right now .
"
all right !
we spent all of this money making big special effects , and we 've got ta get this movie out by summer
or it 's going to bomb in our faces .
so , you actors just say what ever comes to the top of your head , all right ?
make up something , m'kay ?
good .
roll film ! !
"
the special effects are enough to keep you interested through one viewing , and some of the cinemtography is well - done ( the scene with the black umbrellas comes to mind ) .
still , an hour into it , you will become antsy , wondering how long they can drag it out . and drag it out they do ! !
i have to laugh .
the slogan for the film is , " size does matter " .
i think they cut this too short .
it should read , " size does matter .
acting does not .
"
Output: N
ripe with explosions , mass death and really weird hairdos , tsui hark 's " double team " must be the result of a tipsy hollywood power lunch that decided jean - claude van damme needs another notch on his bad movie - bedpost and nba superstar dennis rodman should have an acting career .
actually , in " double team , " neither 's performance is all that bad .
i 've always been the one critic to defend van damme -- he possesses a high charisma level that some genre stars ( namely steven seagal ) never aim for ; it 's just that he 's never made a movie so exuberantly witty since 1994 's " timecop .
" and rodman . . .
well , he 's pretty much rodman .
he 's extremely colorful , and therefore he pretty much fits his role to a t , even if the role is that of an ex - cia weapons expert .
it 's the story that needs some major work .
van damme plays counter - terrorist operative jack quinn , who teams up with arms dealer yaz ( rodman ) to rub out deadly gangster stavros ( mickey rourke , all beefy and weird - looking ) in an antwerp amusement park .
the job is botched when stavros ' son gets killed in the gunfire , and quinn is taken off to an island known as " the colony " -- a think tank for soldiers " too valuable to kill " but " too dangerous to set free .
" quinn escapes and tries to make it back home to his pregnant wife ( natacha lindinger ) , but stavros is out for revenge and kidnaps her .
so , what 's a kickboxing mercenary to do ?
quinn looks up yaz and the two travel to rome so they can rescue the woman , kill stavros , save the world and do whatever else the screenplay requires them to do .
with crazy , often eye - popping camera work by peter pau and rodman 's lite brite locks , " double team " should be a mildly enjoyable guilty pleasure .
but too much tries to happen in each frame , and the result is a movie that leaves you exhausted rather than exhilarated .
the numerous action scenes are loud and headache - inducing and the frenetic pacing never slows down enough for us to care about what 's going on in the movie .
and much of what 's going on is just wacky .
there 's a whole segment devoted to net - surfing monks
that i have yet to figure out
.
and the climax finds quinn going head - to - head with a tiger in the roman coliseum while yaz circles them on a motorcycle , trying to avoid running over land mines and hold on to quinn 's baby boy ( who 's in a bomb equipped basket ) -- all this while stavros watches shirtless from the bleachers .
did i mention " double team " is strange ?
when it all comes down , this is just another rarely entertaining formula killathon , albeit one that feels no need to indulge in gratuitous profanity .
rodman juices things up with his blatantly vibrant screen persona , though , leading up to a stunt where he kicks an opponent between the legs .
but we did n't need " double team " to tell us he could do that , did we ?
Output: N
synopsis : a man whose lover , paris , was murdered agrees to test out an experimental virtual reality home unit system .
the subject escapes from the real world and his current girlfriend , laura , and becomes addicted to virtual reality , which , due to a design flaw in his unit , recreates the dead paris .
comments : virtual seduction , executive produced by roger corman and lance h . robbins , serves as a cheaply - made precursor to strange days , a far superior film .
both movies deal with desperate men who have trouble relating to their current lovers because they are ( ab ) using technology to be with former lovers ( in strange days , the technology utilized recorded dreams rather than virtual reality ) .
interestingly , both films also take place a couple of years from now during the turn of the new millenium , though strange days uses the setting far more effectively .
this exemplifies the problem with virtual seduction .
it 's not bad for what it is : low - budget science fiction concerning the psychological dangers of virtual reality .
unfortunately , it 's been done before and since in much better films , a fact which ultimately leaves the sci - fi fan bored by this movie .
virtual seduction has many faults
( one of them is the fact that the video inexplicably has its own trailer before it begins ) .
the film 's script explores the possibilities of virtual reality interestingly at first , but its treatment of the subject matter gets heavy - handed and wooden as the movie progresses .
many important scenes seem too dark ; the lighting could have been improved significantly .
the cast , a collection of veteran b - movie actors and sitcom regulars , do only a mediocre job in their roles .
jeff fahey , of the original lawnmower man , convincingly , though
unenergetically
, plays the lead character .
carrie genzel plays paris , the vr lover , but ami dolenz , as the current love interest , seems like a much more interesting and attractive character with a caring personality , which does n't lend credence to the film 's premise .
meschach taylor , of the once popular designing women sitcom , adequately plays a scientist working on the project , but his performance is n't something to write home about either .
virtual seduction is one of those harmless movies to which you could do some light manual labor and not mind having it on in the background .
in other words , one could fold laundry while glancing up at it every now and then , but it 's rather boring to just sit and watch .
the movie is surprisingly not as violent as one expects from b - movies in this genre , but it is still an adult r - rated film due to sexual situations and a suicide attempt .
this turkey , ultimately , is n't awful , but it 's not particularly interesting or unique either
.
do n't be seduced into watching this movie unless you 've got several loads of laundry and nothing else to watch .
Output: N
not so long ago , men by the names of peckinpah , ford , leone , and eastwood made westerns .
real westerns .
these were some of the best films of the twentieth century .
those days are gone .
now we have crap
like wild wild west to pass for the western .
and that record is not improved with the unbearable tale of american outlaws .
outlaws is yet another re - telling of the jesse james legend ,
courtesy of b - movie king james g . robinson ( producer of such classics as wrongfully accused and chill factor ) .
delayed since the spring , this version stars the irish hunka hunka burning love colin farrell ( the best part of schumacher 's tigerland ) as the bad - ass jesse james .
alas , any sense of his character has been left on the ranch , leaving us with only cute chicks like ali larter ( minus the whipped cream ) to watch .
the spin this time around : fresh from serving as southern militiamen in the civil war , jesse james ( farrell ) , his brother frank ( gabriel macht ) , and his pal cole younger ( scott caan ) lay down their arms and head home to missouri to tend the family farms after the war has ended .
but trouble is brewing in their small town of liberty when evil railroad baron thaddeus rains ( harris yulin ) and his cronies rollin parker ( terry o'quinn ) and allan pinkerton ( timothy dalton ) demand the boys turn over their lands to the railroads .
the jameses and the youngers then join forces to fight the railroad -- by robbing banks up and down missouri , thus cutting off the railroad 's financial surplus and playing robin hood to the local people .
along the way , the boys squabble over who 's the cutest of the gang , who 's the most popular cowboy in the gang , and who ought to go on mtv 's total request live .
they rob numerous banks with identical interiors , always with the kindest of hearts , strutting in their grungy dusters as moby songs play in the background .
the witty banter they share could be plastered within a hallmark card .
the biggest disappointment here lies in the acting of colin farrell .
after a great job in tigerland , farrell walks through this role easier then nicolas cage in gone in 60 seconds .
and his american accent rivals richard gere 's irish accent in the jackal .
combined with feeling like bonanza : the teen years , this homogenized production ( toned down to get the ever - popular pg-13 rating ) gives us an invincible jesse james that quickly grows tiresome and boring
.
the unbearable villains courtesy of timothy dalton and thaddeus rains spend the entire film proclaiming that everyone should be hanged , sucking out any energy left in the film .
not to mention : the real story of jesse james and his gang bears no resemblance to the plot of american outlaws .
instead , the movie is full of old , outrageous tales about the wild west -- tales which went out of style in 5-cent magazines about a century ago .
Output: N
part buddy comedy , part fish - out - of - water story , part nature tale , meet the deedles is not nearly as interesting as any of those archetypes .
in fact , it is an invitation you ought to disregard . phil and stew deedle ( paul walker and steve van wormer ) are the twin sons of the famous millionaire , elton deedle ( eric braeden ) , founder of deedle enterprises .
elton wants his sons to be the perfect heirs to his fortune . . .
instead the two are careless hawaiian surf bums .
to set them straight , he enrolls them into a strict wyoming boot camp , to which the pair inevitably go .
after several misadventures in wyoming , where the duo is stunned to discover there 's no surf , the brothers deedle stumble upon a routine mistaken identity plot .
they arrive at yellowstone national park , where they are believed to be two new park ranger recruits . rather than slinking back home and disappointing their dad , the deedles play along .
phil , actually , has other motives : the beautiful park ranger jesse ( a . j . langer ) , who unfortunately happens to be the beloved stepdaughter of the overprotective park ranger captain douglas pine ( john ashton ) .
yellowstone has a problem .
it 's only a week before the famous geyser old faithful celebrates its one billionth birthday , and the park is being overrun with prairie dogs .
not just one or two . . .
thousands of them .
the deedles are assigned to eliminate the p . dog menace , not knowing that it all is part of a fiendish plan by disgraced former head ranger frank slater ( dennis hopper ) .
the brothers deedle are n't supposed to be out - and - out stupid , like the team from dumb and dumber , or bill and ted .
instead , their brains just operate in a different , simpler , realm .
a more accurate comparison would be with carrot top in chairman of the board , a film which ,
unfortunately , this one resembles in several hideous ways .
the central problem with meet the deedles is that it simply just is n't funny .
there 's a moment when phil utters the line , " insert laugh here " , which nearly sums up the entire meet the deedles experience .
the result is n't bad in a run - shrieking - from - the - theater type of way .
instead , it 's merely bad in an excruciatingly boring sort of way .
the cast seems decent , but they 're never asked to do anything remotely interesting .
instead , the film inundates the audience with countless shots of people and/or cars rolling downhill in the forest , and with constant annoying references to other disney films .
you 'll have much better luck finding a good spot to surf in wyoming than finding entertainment in meet the deedles .
Output: N
adam sandler is n't known for appearing in deep , thought - provoking films , but he 's still a really funny guy .
most of his movies are successful not because of the film making behind them , but because they let sandler do what he does best without a stupid plot to drown him out .
big daddy is the first film in which the story seems more important than sandler 's comic performance , and it 's a miserable failure
.
sandler plays a thirty - something loser who gets attached to an orphaned young boy ( played by cole and dylan sprouse ) .
as one might expect from the synopsis , director dennis dugan resorts to the usual bag of manipulative and sentimental sequences , including a repulsive courtroom battle and a lot of teary scenes in which characters say " good - bye " to one another ; in addition , there 's a ridiculous amount of disgusting toilet humor ( urine and vomit both get more screen time than sandler himself ) .
there 's a hilarious running joke featuring a female doctor who previously worked at hooters , and the film features passable performances from sandler , joey lauren adams ( as the love interest ) , and the two young boys , but the film on the whole is trite and disappointingly unfunny .
Output: N
at the end of an action scene in " lara croft : tomb raider , " a wall collapses near the nubile warrior .
with her face on the floor , she gazes into the rubble , then grins abruptly and says " oh , my car keys !
"
i mention this scene because it was the only moment in the whole damned production that made me smile .
based on an incredibly popular video game , " lara croft : tomb raider " is a lousy movie .
the structure goes like this : poorly - staged action sequence , boring exposition , poorly - staged action sequence , boring exposition , etc . etc . , the end .
basically , the film exists to showcase angelina jolie 's puffy lips and enhanced tits .
close - ups are framed
oh - so - carefully to include her million dollar bazooms .
running scenes highlight her bouncing breasts in vintage " baywatch " fashion .
there 's even include a shower scene that offers a brief side view of them .
but the filmmakers are so inept
they ca n't even flash the audience correctly .
the one extended display of nudity is of - get ready for this - a guy .
for no particular reason , a muscular supporting character strolls around naked for about 30 seconds , with each shot composed to barely cover his package , ?
la " austin powers .
"
now , i enjoy a good looking male body as much as the next gay guy , but what the hell is beefcake doing in a t&a flick aimed at heterosexual males ? of course , what else should one expect in a film that does virtually nothing right ?
"
tomb raider " sets up elaborate action set pieces , then
renders them incomprehensible with needless jump cut editing
( a promising dual bungee cord battle is ruined by excessive cuts ) .
it promises a series of exotic locales , then delivers cavernous sets and grimy matte paintings with smoggy skies . throw in some bargain basement computer graphics
and you end up with the ugliest movie to come down the pike in many moons .
intended to be a rousing " indiana jones " style adventure ,
" tomb raider " lacks any sense of tension .
the low point comes when lara is " threatened " by statues of monkey warriors and a giant multi - armed shiva figure that come to life courtesy of cgi .
easily the lamest menaces i have ever seen , the creatures move like snails and fall apart with a single shot from a gun .
if you ever have to be chased by monsters , pray that you get the monkey warriors .
"
tomb raider " tells a story , sort of .
once every 5 , 000 years , the planets align .
a group of very bad men are out to find two halves of an object that , if reassembled just as the planets align , will give them control over time itself .
lara 's goal is to stop them and rescue her long - missing poppa ( jon voight , jolie 's real life dad ) .
none of this matters though , because stunning gaps in internal logic assure that the plot of " lara croft : tomb raider " is as lame as ever other aspect of the film ? except angelina jolie 's lips and breasts .
Output: N
when robert forster found himself famous again after appearing in " jackie brown " , he immediately signed up for a little film called " american perfekt " .
this was almost two years ago .
i waited patiently for the film to be released , but it never was .
finally , i forgot about it .
the other day , though , while i was perusing the selection of the local video store , i stumbled upon , you guessed it , " american perfekt " .
i immediately rented it and with a certain amount of glee , rushed home to view it .
having now seen the film , i understand why it never saw theatrical release .
" american perfekt " is a jumbled mess .
the storyline is non - existent .
it took me half the movie just to figure out what was going on
.
and at that point , the only thing i really knew for sure was that the movie was * never * going to introduce a plot of some sort .
it wants to get by on quirkyness and so - called charm alone , and it just does n't work .
robert forster plays a psychiatrist who picks up amanda plummer , and they head off on the road together .
along the way to no discernable destination , they run into all sorts of kooky and wacky characters .
i suppose this free - wheeling , no plot style is supposed to give the film an element of danger and excitment , but all it did was make me sleepy .
i 'm all for trying new things within the realm of film , but not at the expense of coherence .
nothing in this movie makes sense .
the actions of the characters go unexplained , even when they 're truly bizarre .
i 'll give you an example , without giving too much away .
david thewlis has a part as a drifting con - man .
at one point , mid - way through the movie , he runs forster and plummer off the road with his car .
as he passes them , we see that his face is covered in blood .
do you think we would get an explanation as to what happened to him ?
you would think so , would n't you .
" american perfekt " is a waste of time .
nothing is gained from watching this movie , except maybe a migraine .
and if you do rent it , do n't bother trying to figure out what 's going on in the hopes that everything will be resolved by the end .
this does n't happen .
and no explanation is given for the misspelling of " perfect " , either .
Output: N
you 'd think that after awhile hollywood would stop trying to make movies out of video games .
it has n't worked so far .
" street fighter ? "
" super mario brothers ?
" " wing commander ?
" " mortal kombat ? " not a watchable film in the bunch .
still i held out some hope for " tomb raider .
"
after all , the game 's premise is heavily influenced by the indiana jones trilogy and all the mummy movies , so there are cinematic elements imbedded in the concept .
however , despite the potential of the project , " tomb raider " proves to be yet another bomb .
the plot is a convoluted accumulation of nonsense probably borrowed from a dozen bad movies .
there 's a once - ever-5000-years alignment of planets coming up , and the illuminati have to find both halves of an ancient triangle that controls time in order to take over the world .
of course , the ancient folks who divided the triangle buried the halves in tombs on opposite sides of the world .
our heroine , lady lara croft ( angelina jolie ) , finds the key that opens the tombs in relics that her dead father ( jon voight ) dug up .
she figures that if she gets the triangle , she can bring her dad back from the dead .
of course , no one was expecting much of a plot from this movie anyway .
in both video games and action movies , the plot is just an excuse for the action sequences .
however , the action in " tomb raider " shows little style or originality .
there 's lots of shooting and some kung fu fightin ' , but none of it progresses beyond the level of a cheap direct - to - cable flick .
the other goofy archeologist flick of the summer
, " the mummy returns , " was much better ; it had its flaws , but its action was creative and large - scale .
since winning her academy award for " girl , interrupted , " jolie has n't taken any projects that would display her acting talents .
"
tomb raider " seems to be more interested in displaying her breasts ; so much attention is drawn to them that it 's a shame
there 's no oscar for best performance by a wonderbra .
while we do n't see much of her acting ability
( with the exception of a wonderful upper - crust british accent ) , we do get a hint of jolie 's less savory side .
considering the rumors of incest that hang over jolie and her supposed obsession with death , having lara be obsessed with resurrecting her dead father ( and uninterested in any of the living males around her ) seems a poor choice .
having jolie 's real life father jon voight play the dead dad makes it even creepier
.
i have n't decided what to make of director simon west yet .
his first feature was the star - studded disaster " con air , " but my opinion of him improved with " the general 's daughter , " which was thick with sultry atmosphere .
now this train wreck .
i hope he improves again because his next project is the big screen version of the cult tv series " the prisoner .
"
hollywood has already screwed up " the avengers , " and " the prisoner " represents a chance for redemption .
( by the way , speaking of british tv , " red dwarf " fans should look for chris " rimmer " barrie in his first major film role ) .
Output: N
the last of vampire - films offers plenty of blood and gore , but beyond that - nothing .
jack crow ( james woods ) is a professional vampire slayer that is secretly working for the vatican .
his and his men 's mission is to clean the earth from vampires .
they have lost count of how many vampires they have slaughtered , but one has always escaped them .
valek ( thomas ian griffith ) - the dark messias and ruler of the undead that is older than time itself .
for all eternity the vampires have searched for their salvation - the black cross .
with the cross in their possesion , the vampires will be able to walk in the sunlight .
after that it is either the humans or the vampires who will dominate the earth . . .
i have never liked john carpenter and his style .
after seeing this film , my opinions have not changed .
john carpenter remains john carpenter .
however , because of the film 's self - irony , black humour and fascinating cinematography , i would say that it is his greatest achievement in a long , long time .
neither the synopses or carpenter 's direction are original .
but there are some things that are interesting .
the director 's negative view on the catholic church , for instance .
at the end of the film it becomes clear that cardinal alba ( maximilian schell ) has simply used crow and his team to find valek , so that he would gain eternal life .
otherwise the catholic priests are shown cool - drinking , smoking and breaking the rool of celibacy .
carpenter has created an interesting atmosphere .
set in new mexican dessert , he switches between bright golden sunrises and bloody sundowns , symbolically illustrating the good and the evil through light and darkness .
more than anything in this film , this simple illustration shows the battle between good and evil .
the cinematography by gary b . kibbe is probably the film 's greatest achievement .
music ( composed by john carpenter himself ) is at times effective , the special effects and makeup are likewise worth a notice .
when it comes to the cast ( in an intellectual film like this casting is the last problem ; everyone can scream and swing the axe ! ) , but here james woods is suprisingly convincing .
he is macho and cool as the dedicated hunter , who lost his family to the " breed of evil " .
woods is constantly overacting , which really saves the film from falling into the trap of serious self importance .
daniel baldwin is also entertaining as crow 's loyal partner .
the other cast members are struggling .
because the film does n't take itself too seriously , it stays afloat .
still it is like most vampire - films - a mediocre experience .
Output: N
can a horror movie truly be called a horror movie if it has no scares , suspense , or even eerie elements ?
i think not , but that 's what children of the corn 666 : issac 's return wants us to believe .
the sixth installment in the horrible , worn out series is by far the worst to date
.
unlike the other five chapters , children of the corn 666 is a confusing , brainless thriller that takes the psychological horror route rather than slasher horror , but either way , none of these movies are the least bit scary .
the film follows hannah ( natalie ramsey ) a teen looking for her mother in gatlin , nebraska , on the eve of her 21st birthday .
what starts out as a daughter in desperate search of her long lost mother turns into the story of hannah being the first daughter of the children of the corn , who roam the cornfields looking for adults to murder .
that 's about all that 's understandable in the film , as after we learn this much , issac ( john franklin ) who led the children of the corn in a previous chapter , now an older , strange man , is looking for hannah to fulfill his prophecy .
and this is supposed to make sense .
really .
from the start the film is unclear of where its going , not developing any characters or throwing any concrete plot details across the table , constantly introducing new characters without personalities or the slightest hint of an individuality , and sub plots that have nothing to do with what seems to the main focus of the film .
the film runs at a short 78 minutes , but it seems to be more in the vicinity of two hours , as the bleak , slow pacing makes children of the corn 666 : issac 's return excruciatingly boring
. plot holes are everywhere in tim sulka and john franklin 's unbelievably horrible script , as nothing is accomplished or clear when the film reaches its conclusion .
everyone and everything involved with children of the corn 666 : issac 's return , namely writers john franklin and tim sulka , along with director kari skogland , should crawl under a rock , and hope no one sees their horrible work of trash .
the bottom line : horrible , horrible , horrible .
another attempt to revive this worn out genre falls flat .
and what 's with that title ?
the devil has nothing to do whatsoever with this film .
let 's pray that this is the finale in one of the worst current film series .
one of the worst horror films in years .
Output: N
arnold schwarzenegger has been an icon for action enthusiasts , since the late 80 's , but lately his films have been very sloppy and the one - liners are getting worse
.
it 's hard seeing arnold as mr .
freeze in batman and robin , especially when he says tons of ice jokes ,
but hey he got 15 million , what 's it matter to him ?
once again arnold has signed to do another expensive blockbuster , that ca n't compare with the likes of the terminator series , true lies and even eraser .
in this so called dark thriller , the devil ( gabriel byrne ) has come upon earth , to impregnate a woman ( robin tunney ) which happens every 1000 years , and basically destroy the world , but apparently god has chosen one man , and that one man is jericho cane ( arnold himself ) .
with the help of a trusty sidekick ( kevin pollack ) , they will stop at nothing to let the devil take over the world !
parts of this are actually so absurd , that they would fit right in with dogma .
yes , the film is that weak , but it 's better than the other blockbuster right now ( sleepy hollow ) , but it makes the world is not enough look like a 4 star film .
anyway , this definitely does n't seem like an arnold movie .
it just was n't the type of film you can see him doing .
sure he gave us a few chuckles with his well known one - liners , but he seemed confused as to where his character and the film was going .
it 's understandable , especially when the ending had to be changed according to some sources .
aside form that
, he still walked through it , much like he has in the past few films .
i 'm sorry to say this arnold but
maybe these are the end of your action days .
speaking of action , where was it in this film ?
there was hardly any explosions or fights .
the devil made a few places explode , but arnold was n't kicking some devil butt .
the ending was changed to make it more spiritual , which undoubtedly ruined the film .
i was at least hoping for a cool ending if nothing else occurred , but once again i was let down .
i also do n't know why the film took so long and cost so much .
there was really no super affects at all , unless you consider an invisible devil , who was in it for 5 minutes tops , worth the overpriced budget .
the budget should have gone into a better script , where at least audiences could be somewhat entertained instead of facing boredom .
it 's pitiful to see how scripts like these get bought and made into a movie .
do they even read these things anymore ?
it sure does n't seem like it .
thankfully gabriel 's performance gave some light to this poor film .
when he walks down the street searching for robin tunney , you ca n't help but feel that he looked like a devil .
the guy is creepy looking anyway !
when it 's all over , you 're just glad it 's the end of the movie .
do n't bother to see this , if you 're expecting a solid action flick , because it 's neither solid nor does it have action .
it 's just another movie that we are suckered in to seeing , due to a strategic marketing campaign .
save your money and see the world is not enough for an entertaining experience .
Output: N
when i arrived in paris in june , 1992 , i was surprised to find france plastered with posters twin peaks : fire walk with me , since the movie was n't scheduled to open in the u . s .
until late august .
happily , the film -- the prequel to david lynch 's cult television series -- was playing in a fancy , thx theater .
unfortunately , the theater was far more impressive than the movie , which absolutely stinks , much like a french lavatory .
worse , actually .
fire walk with me ( directed by lynch ) will be completely incomprehensible to anyone who has not seen the tv series or read " laura palmer 's secret diary .
" for " twin peaks " junkies , like me , the movie is only marginally improved .
the plot is jumbled and illogical , not to mention excruciatingly sluggish .
the first 30 minutes , which have almost nothing to do with the main story line , feature chris isaak and kiefer sutherland as fbi agents investigating a murder in portland , oregon .
the movie then stops in philadelphia for a nonsensical cameo by david bowie and a brief appearance by kyle maclachlan as dale cooper .
lynch then drops this plot strand altogether and abruptly shifts the setting to twin peaks , washington -- one year later .
ah , twin peaks : " familiar territory , " you think to yourself as angelo badalamenti 's distinctive musical score chimes in .
wrong !
the movie proves that you really ca n't go home again , or at least lynch ca n't .
only about a quarter of the characters from the tv series appear in the movie : leland palmer , bobby briggs , james , shelly , leo , the log lady and a few others -- mostly in meaningless cameos .
the rest of the " twin peaks " cast is nowhere to be seen , and consequently , lynch fails to recreate the spirit and flavor of tv 's most enigmatic town .
cast members michael ontkean , sherilyn fenn , piper laurie , and richard beymer are sorely missed , not to mention lara flynn boyle , who has been replaced by
lackluster moira kelly in the crucial role of donna .
the movie concentrates solely on laura palmer ( sheryl lee ) as she suffers through drug abuse , prostitution , and incest , during her miserable last seven days on earth .
the night of laura 's death , which is truly terrifying , is the film 's only remotely effective sequence .
we finally get to see exactly what happened to laura after she jumped off james ' motorcycle and ran into the woods at that lonely traffic light in the middle of nowhere .
her murder unfolds just as agent cooper reconstructed it in the tv series , which is gratifying for faithful " twin peaks " viewers .
but it 's an awfully small reward for sitting through a painfully awful movie .
Output: N
capsule : this super - light situation comedy from sweden tells the story of two close friends with romantic problems .
the script involves formerly taboo subjects like erotic toys and sexual enhancers but otherwise the writing is not a lot different from what is shown free on television .
the characters are paper - thin and the interesting ideas purely non - existent .
this is a decrement - life - by-90-minutes card .
, 0 ( -4 to +4 ) jalla !
jalla !
is basically an exuberant tv situation comedy written instead for the wide screen .
it tells the story of two park custodians and the problems they are finding on the path to true love .
the film is set in sweden where roro and mans ( fares fares and torkel petersson ) are custodians at a public park .
roro is from a tightly knit lebanese family who control him very closely , mans is a swede from a much more liberal background .
they spend most of the day in the bushes at their park , cleaning up after dogs .
roro and mans each have girlfriends , but each has a problem .
roro ( nicknamed " jalla " ) is having family problems .
it seems that his family wants to arrange a marriage between him and a nice lebanese woman , yasmin ( laleh pourkarim ) , but he is already in love with lisa ( tuva novotny ) .
yasmin likes roro , but does not want to get married either .
mans on the other hand has been having a problem of sexual impotence .
the two friends worry about their problems and discuss the problems with each other .
mans thinks the answer to his problem is to purchase sexual enhancers .
the one catch is that he is too shy to go in and buy them .
roro and yasmin decide to give themselves some time by telling the families that they want to marry each other , but then plan to break up before the wedding .
not too surprisingly neither finds that his idea works out the way he quite expected .
the plot turns in several places are contrived .
one knows fairly quickly that if things are going to work our happily for everybody certain plot contrivances have to happen .
lebanese - born josef fares who wrote and directed is perhaps a better director than he is a writer .
when things start to get slow , he just adds throws in another story .
for example halfway into the film mans innocently antagonizes some local toughs and a long chase is added to the film .
characterization is a little better with roro than it is with mans who does not seem to have a whole lot more personality beyond fear for losing a biological function .
we do see some of roro 's family life and his concerns .
that may be because roro 's background is a lot like that of the director .
while the story was entertaining , i did not feel that i got anything worthwhile from the film .
it was just a way to pass about an hour and a half in my life .
one does not have to go to the movies to see entertainment like this .
i rate it a 4 on the 0 to 10 scale and a 0 on the -4 to +4 scale .
Output: N