godzilla is the ultimate culmination of the " who cares about plot " summer movie .
a loose remake of the 1954 " classic " japanese monster movie , godzilla , king of the monsters ( which is itself pretty thin in the story department ) , roland emmerich and dean devlin 's big - budget lizard - stomps - manhattan disaster flick has been written with the brain dead in mind .
the script is n't just " dumbed down , " it 's lobotomized .
godzilla lives and dies on special effects alone .
presumably , the primary target group for this film is teenage boys , the demographic most likely to shell out $ 7 repeatedly to see the same images of monster - instigated carnage .
that 's not to say that females and other age groups are immune to the special effects seduction ; they 're just not as readily susceptible .
this is the third straight movie in a row where emmerich and devlin have demonstrated that a mastery of computer - generated visuals is far more important for making money than the ability to write and direct for actors .
stargate was a financial success .
independence day was a runaway hit .
and , with godzilla already drowning in hype and merchandising tie - ins before it even opens , it 's virtually guaranteed at least $ 100 million .
nice numbers for a film that could have been penned by a not - too - precocious grade school kid .
godzilla is n't completely without merit , although it is close .
there 's a certain visceral thrill inherent in watching the giant lizard rip his way through manhattan ,
but it wears off quickly .
frankly
, while the special effects are competent , they 're not all that stunning .
there 's nothing new here
; it 's jurassic park meets aliens , with a little independence day thrown in for bad measure .
maybe it will require george lucas and his new star wars movie to take computer - generated visuals to the next level .
godzilla never really pushes the envelope , preferring to remain within a comfort zone .
the imagination of monster movies like king kong has been replaced by a crass , formulaic approach which disallows creativity .
( how disturbing is it to know that godzilla has been chosen to close the 51st cannes film festival ? ) worst of all , godzilla is n't even exciting .
with the possible exception of a mildly enjoyable car chase near the end , there is n't a sequence in this film that raises the pulse .
even the scenes with dozens of aircraft attacking the monster are so devoid of tension and suspense that they are yawn - provoking .
independence day may have been dumb , but it was full of " adrenaline moments " capable of getting the audience involved in the action .
in this aspect of its production , as in so many others , godzilla is lacking .
actually , part of the problem is that we 're never sure who we 're supposed to be rooting for : the green monster with an attitude or the paper - thin humans trying to stop him .
the plot , such as it is , can be summed up rather simply .
after sinking a few ships and leaving some footprints on tropical islands , godzilla shows up in the big apple .
he does some of the usual tourist things :
stops by madison square garden , visits the chrysler building , goes on a walk through central park , and takes the subway .
in the process , he knocks over a few buildings and steps on countless cabs , but he never has trouble with traffic jams .
on hand to stop him is an elite u.
s. army unit , led by a slightly less - arrogant - than - usual military man ( kevin dunn ) and a biologist named nick tatopoulos , who has a theory about godzilla .
in his opinion , the big guy is actually a lizard grown to enormous proportions as a result of the radiation given off by french atomic bomb tests in the south pacific .
in nick 's words , godzilla is " a mutated aberration ?
an incipient creature ?
the first of its kind .
"
as luck would have it , nick 's old girlfriend , audrey ( maria pitillo ) , is a reporter based at a new york tv station .
along with her cameraman friend , animal ( hank azaria ) , she decides to follow nick around as he trails godzilla .
then , just when the military has rejected nick 's theory about why godzilla is in new york , a member of the french secret service ( jean reno ) recruits him for a special assignment .
instead of stomping around tokyo this time , godzilla has chosen new york city .
unfortunately , manhattan has been destroyed so many times in recent disaster movies ( independence day , deep impact , armageddon ) that it 's becoming boring .
the whole tradition of monsters roaming around the city started with king kong , but the big ape was only about 30 feet tall .
he could climb the empire state building .
at ten times that height , godzilla would be more likely to knock it over .
godzilla contains a few lame attempts at humor .
there 's an ongoing feud between animal and his wife that plays like sit - com material , an unfunny and repetitive gag about how no one can pronounce nick 's last name properly , and a rather tame attack on film critics roger ebert and gene siskel .
both of the popular personalities have alter egos in the film : " ebert , " the mayor of new york , is played by michael lerner , and " gene " ( lorry goldman ) is his campaign manager .
ebert 's re - election slogan is , not surprisingly , " thumbs up for new york .
" the siskel / ebert stuff is amusing the first time it 's used , but , after a while , it grows tiresome .
and , although the " characters " do n't serve any real purpose , they keep popping up .
godzilla is saddled with an unimpressive cast .
this is largely because emmerich does n't want to risk a human performance upstaging his lizard .
that 's not to say that matthew broderick and jean reno are n't capable of good performances ( both have done their share of solid acting in the past ) , but they are n't a - list names .
then again , considering the quality of the writing , even pacino and deniro would have been hard- pressed to shine .
maria
pitillo ( dear god ) plays the love interest and hank azaria ( great expectations ) is on hand to present what is supposed to be comic relief .
ultimately , it does n't really matter what i ( or any other critic , for that matter ) have to say about the movie .
tristar has assumed that godzilla , like all self - proclaimed summer event motion pictures , is pretty much critic - proof .
it may also be word - of - mouth - proof .
those who want to see the movie will see it no matter what i write or their friends say .
so , when i go on record to assert that godzilla is one of the most idiotic blockbuster movies of all time , it 's like spitting into the wind .
emmerich and devlin are master illusionists , waving their wands and mesmerizing audiences with their smoke and mirrors .
it 's probably too much to hope that some day , movie - goers will wake up and realize that they 've been had .
Output: N