note
: some may consider portions of the following text to be spoilers . be forewarned .
at the end of the day , those reflecting upon the debacle that is the avengers would do well to take note that warning clouds loomed on the horizon for the project well before warner bros . made the contentious decision to abandon preview press screenings and scrapped plans for a gala premiere .
this highly - anticipated film rendition of the cult television show was originally slotted for an early june opening , where it would have gone head - to - head against the rival studios ' heavy hitters ; its eventual demotion to a less potent mid - august opening was an obvious early indication of the studio 's lack of confidence with the picture .
and with good reason .
this is a joyless exercise of a film , held together by a barely coherent plot and lacking any semblance of excitement , thrills or wit .
remarkable in its banality and brutally uninvolving , the avengers is a catastrophic mess which immediately invites comparisons to last year 's case study in style over substance , joel schumacher 's much - loathed batman & robin .
( indeed , both films even feature appalling , ridiculous sequences which find central characters dressed up in fuzzy oversized costumes . )
uma thurman , who takes on the salacious role of the catsuit - clad , karate - chopping emma peel immortalized by diana rigg , was the only bright spot in the aforementioned schumacher disaster , imbuing her poison ivy with a dose of sassiness and sly wit that gave audiences something to smile at amidst the cinematic carnage .
unfortunately , the same ca n't be said here , where she and cohort ralph fiennes ( our new john steed , taking over for patrick macnee ) demonstrate no appreciable chemistry whatsoever , fatally crippling the picture as they volley fizzling repartee back and forth and trade double - entendres with all the enthusiasm of two actors painfully aware that they 're on board a sinking ship .
at this rate , usually - splendid actor mr .
fiennes may never make the transition from arthouse apollo to mainstream leading man -- his tepid turn here will make as much of an inroad as his commendably seedy performance in the regrettably - neglected kathyrn bigelow film strange days .
the duo
* look
* the part -- and admittedly the avengers is , more than most , heavily dependent upon style -- but
they 're no fun to watch , and i found myself growing increasingly distant and annoyed by the lack of spark between the two cheekily ironic characters as they navigated through the picture 's caper - esque plot .
when not checking my wristwatch or shifting restlessly in my seat , i began to alleviate the boredom by considering how this all might have played out had the filmmakers chose to go instead with that erstwhile emma as our mrs .
peel --
no , not kate beckinsale ( although the notion now intrigues me ) , but gwyneth paltrow , who was originally in the running for the part and can veritably handle a spot - on english accent .
if nothing else , it 'd at least be highly entertaining for the incongruous sight of the vaguely twiggish young actress kicking butt .
the story , such as it is , involves the ever - bemused tandem of steed and peel combating the malevolent sir august de wynter ( sean connery ) , an eccentric aristocrat threatening the safety of the nation with his climate - controlling contraption .
( they also sip a lot of tea . ) overlooking some goofy cloning nonsense and quirky hijinx involving our protagonists ' superiors
, it sounds far better than it plays , and is rendered almost indecipherable by blatant post - production tinkering ; it 's clearly evident that the picture has been cut to shreds .
the avengers was never about gripping drama , and our heroes accordingly never take villainous sir august very seriously , but given the lack of cohesion in the plot and the lack of menace conveyed by the buffoonish maniac , it 's all decidedly uncompelling .
mr .
connery , who 's onscreen barely long enough to register an impression , approaches the role like a man fulfilling a contractual obligation , simultaneously chewing the scenery while unable to hide his disinterest .
at least it all looks good .
this is a genuinely handsome production , with fine costume design by anthony powell and crisply shot by roger pratt .
in particular , the gleaming production design by stuart craig commands attention , adeptly drawing elements both old and new in order to depict this great britain .
there are a handful of striking visual moments in the film , including an attack by a swarm of giant robotic bees and a nice shot of steed and peel finding a way to walk on water , but the film is so unremittingly dull that even these instances fail to stir interest or raise pulse rates .
by the time the film 's climax had arrived , my interest was not with the sight of steed and sir august slugging it out amidst crashing waves and thundering rain , but with the quickest escape route from the theatre .
not coincidentally , the enticing bits of visual bravura were the shots assembled into the movie 's remarkable trailer , a savvy piece of work which ironically is infinitely more appealing that the feature film itself ; the first promo which made the rounds in early spring is probably my favourite studio trailer so far this year .
it 's everything that the avengers is not -- saucy , clever , engaging , and entertaining .
a crushing disappointment , the film is one of the worst outings of the year -- too drearily awful to be savoured as gleefully bad , too polished to overlook its deficiencies .
there may be upcoming pictures that are even more lifeless than the avengers , but i sure hope not .
Output: N