niryuu/sni-each-converted huggingface dataset:
much ado about nothing .
ah , how sweet the irony !
it 's accepted wisdom in some circles - among english literature nuts , mainly - that whenever a critic knocks shakespeare they are only doing so through ignorance .
he just does n't " understand " shakespeare , you will hear them say .
the bard 's work is apparently beyond criticism .
what a load of old cobblers .
if these arbiters of public taste think kenneth branaugh 's film of shakespeare 's " comedy " much ado about nothing is comedy in any modern sense of the word
, it 's time to get a life .
get monty python .
get woody allen .
get john waters .
whatever .
just get a real taste of some clever , witty , risky comedy . and banish this nonsense
to where it belongs .
drama and tragedy was shakespeare 's strength .
to my sensibilities - and i 'm no stick in the mud - much ado about nothing resonates with no spark whatsoever .
no kidding : this film ranks among the most embarrassing two hours i have ever spent in a cinema in my 20 years of movie going .
the only thing that stopped me walking out was loyalty to my lady friend , as this was our day out
and i had n't seen her in ages .
but boy , does she owe me one !
i wo n't spend too much time on the plot .
basically , we follow the trials and tribulations of two would - be couples - one young , the other older .
there 's some dark treachery amongst all this , but everyone is so awfully jolly that you 'd hardly know it .
mind you , there 's nothing wrong with the basic story .
good romantic comedies based on similar premises abound .
nothing wrong with most of the cast , either .
branaugh , emma thompson and denzel washington are all talented performers .
the problem is the script , or more accurately , shakespeare 's original text .
light comedy should n't be complex .
yet wrapped in elizabethan english , the dialogue becomes difficult to comprehend .
for this alone it will be a problem for modern audiences unschooled in shakespeare and in search of nothing more than a good , undemanding laugh .
the only laughs to escape my belly were brought on by the gloriously inept performance of keanu reeves , the actor once again miscast as a jealous half - brother or something .
but when dissected and understood , what it all boils down to is that this stuff is just so goddamn lame .
this is comedy so clean and nice and corny and so devoid of danger that it leaves this viewer
totally cold .
ho , ho ,
ho ,
boy likes girl !
ho ,
ho ,
ho , men are such klutzes !
ho ,
ho ,
ho ,
she 's so awfully clumsy !
oh please !
there 's wit in here somewhere , i 'm told .
i call it pretentious
.
something lightweight striving to be something sophisticated through clever wordplay .
in the end , it 's cringeworthy .
watching some of the cinema patrons around me collapse with laughter made much ado about nothing a very weird movie going experience .
comedy ?
bah , humbug !
Output: N
" love to kill " starts off aimlessly and gets progressively less coherent as time passes .
at the outset , the movie appears to be about tony danza , who 's an illegal distributor of guns , trying to establish a relationship with an unsuspecting woman .
danza sets up a double date with her , her sister , and a collegue of his .
everything seems to be going well , until the sister accidentally dies by falling down a set of stairs .
much confusion and mahem ensues , as the death is covered up and other associates of danza 's begin to emerge , all after one thing or another .
sound confusing ?
it is .
i think what the filmmakers were trying to do is take the standard crime movie and throw in a little humour and levity .
in some respects , it works .
but the majority of the film is a convoluted and confusing mess .
characters keep popping up with no explanation , demanding money for deals that occur off - screen .
the only aspect of the movie that actually works is the budding relationship between danza and the dead woman 's sister .
but so little time is devoted to this part of the story , we never really become too familiar with these characters , and because of this , we do n't really care what happens to them .
well , i did n't , at least .
one thing i will give the movie is that it 's a complete departure for tony danza .
here 's a guy , because of his many sitcom roles , who 's ingrained in the consciousness as a nice guy who always does the right thing .
here , he plays a man who 's just looking out for himself , and if that means he needs to kill in order to save his own skin , so be it .
i was very impressed by his performance , and within minutes of the start of the film , i had forgotten all about his good - guy persona .
michael madsen is also good as an associate of danza 's who spends half the movie buddying up to him and the other half trying to kill him .
like i said , it 's not exactly a linear storyline .
" love to kill " should be praised for trying to do something different with the well worn crime genre , but it 's just too bad that the story does n't really add up to much .
the stars deserved better , and so did the audience .
Output: N
ever since wargames , the first real computer hacking movie , hollywood has attempted to produce more and more films about hacking .
these films usually show the audience a look into computers that really is not impossible and is usually ridiculous .
if it 's not this , the exaggeration about what is real is usually greater than you would expect .
hackers is guilty of all of these crimes .
to anyone familiar with computers and/or the internet , most of the movie is so incredibly stupid that you ca n't take it anymore .
those of you who frequent one of the greatest sites on the world wide web , the internet movie database , are probably aware of the section for movies entitled " goofs " .
this is the section for mistakes in the movies .
well , imdb sums up hackers extremely well with the first goof listed :
" generally ill - informed and ridiculous to the extreme
regarding the capabilities of computers and technology " .
and truthfully , this is one - hundred percent correct .
the plot , obviously , centers around computer hacking .
more specifically , it follows the exploits of dade murphy , a young computer hacker played by jonny lee miller .
miller should be extremely thankful for the film trainspotting , because if it were not for that , who knows where his career would be now after hackers .
the film opens with a young dade murphy being arrested for hacking computer systems .
he was forbidden to use a computer until he turned eighteen years old .
the film then picks up at that point , an eighteen year old dade murphy hacking away at the computer .
dade later meets up with fellow hackers acid burn ( angelina jolie ) , cereal killer ( matthew lillard ) , lord nikon ( laurence mason ) , and the phantom phreak ( renoly santiago ) , who are basically trying to do what is next to impossible : hack the gibson computer and not get caught by the fbi .
oh ,
and as a little sub - plot , dade also tries to woo acid burn , the only female hacker in the film .
really , i ca n't think of much more to say about the film 's plot aside from what i 've said .
it 's just a bunch of computer geeks ( no , obsessive compulsive computer geeks a little too advanced for reality ) running around hacking computers and staying away from the fbi .
thanks to this movie , the public unfamiliar with computers now has a distorted viewpoint of computers and what they can do .
this movie makes computers look a little bit too advanced for their time , and
the frivolous suggestions it makes are too many to list .
to sum it up , hackers is a terrible computer film .
if you 're looking for a film about computers closer to what goes on in the real world , i suggest sneakers .
although at times it too may seem a little far fetched , it should be much more believable than hackers to regular computer users .
hopefully , this film did n't influence too many young computer users out to think they can do what is portrayed in this 105 minute waste of time .
Output: N
this is not a simple plan about finding a plane load of money and getting away with the cash .
this is more about a parable of greed , and how money can become the bane of your life .
yes , there are elements of ?
fargo ' here ( the snow and cold ) , although not as vivid in the blood and gore department .
it shows how greed can set of a chain of events leading to death and the destruction of lives .
and how at the end of the day , the things that matter most are love , truth and honesty .
although in one sense it may seem tedious , making a movie about the ugliness of greed ( not box office material ) , it does become tedious , not because of the morale ending , but because one expects the movie to end that way .
this becomes apparent after the first murder to cover up the crime , the rest of the movie just spirals downward from there .
the characters in this drama are a mixture of simple and intellectual folk , brothers and friends , who all fall prey to the avarice of money .
they should have perhaps thrown in someone sensible , level headed and not affected by greed to give the party more balance .
commendable is the exceptional performance of billy bob thornton , whose portrayal of the simpleton brother was masterful .
bill paxton also gives a powerful performance as the greedier younger brother , whilst bridget fonda is convincing as the greediest wife , who indirectly causes the most problems .
fill a room full of greedy people and several million dollars , and you will end up with a simple recipe for a blood bath .
it 's not a simple plan , when you shoot everyone you love for money , unless you 're the menendez brothers .
Output: N
in the line of duty is the critically praised series of television movies dealing with the real - life incidents that claimed lives of law enforcement officers in usa .
the twilight murders , another one from the series , is dealing with the case of gordon kahl ( played by rod steiger ) , old farmer from north dakota who would rather spend a year in prison than pay taxes to the despised u .
s .
government .
after being released , he still refuses to pay taxes and the warrant is issued for his arrest .
when the u . s .
marshals come to arrest him , it turns out that kahl is n't alone .
many poor farmers in rural northwest share his extremist anti - government beliefs , and the routine operation turns into shootout that would leave federal officers that .
that brings fbi on the scene , and agent mayberly ( michael gross ) is supervising the manhunt .
however , his efforts seem fruitless , since kahl still has many supporters , some of them even in the local law enforcement .
after betrayed , 1988 thriller by costa gavras , hollywood mostly ignored the disturbing trends of rising right - wing extremism in the american northwest , and that remained so until oklahoma city bombing , when media hype brought right - wingers back into spotlight .
until that time , only the television movies like this one bothered to pay attention to that phenomenon .
unfortunately , the twilight murders is still routine and formulaic television film , that uses sensationalist real life content in order to cover lack of originality in the script .
sometimes , like many american tv movies , it creates drama where drama should n't be
.
on the other hand , film is steadily directed by dick lowry , and rod steiger does good job potraying gordon kahl .
on the other hand , michael gross as his pursuer is quite wooden and his interaction with some of the actors is terrible .
however , film does deal with potentially thought - provoking social and political issues , so hour and half spent in front of the screen should n't be the total waste of time .
Output: N
annie wilson ( cate blanchett ) , a widow who struggles to raise her children in a small town in georgia is asked for help by local authorities in solving the case of a missing woman .
annie is something of a psychic
, she has involuntary bouts with the supernatural where she can see the past and the future and physically feel the actions happenning to her she envisions .
her " gift " leads to the arrest of a nasty wife beater who may or may not have killed the pretty rich girl found in the swamp on his property .
in an ultra conservative backwoods town will her testimony based on her psychic visions hold up in court ?
do they even have the right man ?
what 's good about it : aside from keanu reeves giving one of the best performances of his career as the loathable redneck donnie barksdale , there is little else going for the film .
what 's not so good about it :
lame , unoriginal screenplay .
predictable ending .
suspense scenes that are just plain boring .
ridicously trite characterization makes the entire south out to be ingnorant , hateful goobers .
relentless in its emotional sensationaliztion .
overall critique :
" the gift " is one of those movies that makes you wonder where you 've seen this story before .
it 's a collection of every cliche and stereotype of the south ever made , and coming from a yankee like me who dislikes the south that 's really saying something .
for an established , talented director sam raimi is unable to provide any kind of originality to this film .
it 's predictable from the first scene , the screenplay is written like a rip - off of a photocopied bootlegged play .
you know that as nasty as the murder suspect is he did n't actually do it .
it 's no surprise either who the real villain turns out to be and what their motive was
.
sigh , how trite . for a supernatural thriller
this is neither scary nor intense because it 's so cliche .
"
the gift " is basically a glorified b - movie .
Output: N
the happy bastard 's quick movie review holy man
more like holy crap .
the film stars eddie murphy as a mystical - ish figure named g on a strange journey of some sort when he comes across two network execs ( jeff goldblum and kelly preston ) with a flat tire on their hands .
somehow he ends up in their car and on their channel , a line - up of infomercial programs featuring the likes of betty white , morgan fairchild , and a slew of other celebrities and nameless figures .
it 's here that he seems to hit his stride , speaking of life instead and somehow boosting sales .
at this point in the movie , of course , morality comes into play , particularly on goldblum , who suddenly feels he can market the magical g into megabucks to get in good with his boss ( robert loggia ) .
it does n't take long for the movie to unfold into sappy mush , with realizations taking place left and right and poor plot points .
only a real zippy sequence involving frying morgan fairchild 's face seems to have any interest in the movie .
murphy lends nothing to his character and poor goldblum looks as if he 'd rather be someplace else .
some may argue that the movie has a message , but all that came across to me is that i could probably get more entertainment watching that informercial with the guy in the question mark coat .
at least he has something for us to laught at . . .
Output: N
a remake of the 1978 warren beatty vehicle " heaven can wait " ( which in turn was a remake of " here comes mr .
jordan " ) , " down to earth " tells the tale of lance barton ( chris rock , " lethal weapon iv " ) , a young black standup comic trying to win over the audience at harlem 's apollo theater .
when he 's taken to heaven prematurely by bumbling angel keyes ( eugene levy , " best in show " ) , his only recourse is to return in another body .
he chooses that of charles wellington , the tenth richest man in the united states .
of course , wellington is not only rich , but white and 53 years old , which makes lance 's bid for closing night at the apollo , as well as his desire to woo suntee ( regina taylor , " jerry maguire " ) , a tad tricky .
the original elaine may / warren beatty script has been reworked by chris rock , lance crouther , ali leroi , and louis c .
k .
to turn beatty 's vehicle as a football player into rock 's vehicle as a comic and add some racial humor .
as directed by chris weitz and paul weitz ( codirectors of " american pie " and costars of " chuck & buck " ) , the whole affair comes off as amateur hour .
initial scenes play like filmed line reading rehearsals .
production values are shoddy .
most serious of all is the use of rock when his wellington counterpart would have been more appropriate .
this problem is clearly attributable to the fact that the old white guy is never lip or action synched when he is on screen .
rock does get the chance to do some fun schtick , such as his turnaround on wellington 's plans for a poor neighborhood hospital ( ' bullet in the head ?
you got a bed ! ' ) , but
he 's uneven when interacting with the rest of the cast .
regina taylor fares well amidst the mediocrity
as the young activist who confusedly ends up falling for the man she believed to be her nemesis .
also good is frankie faison ( " hannibal " ) as whitney , lance 's compassionate manager - the only human who 's made privy to lance 's body body switch .
chaz palminteri and levy are pretty much wasted as heaven 's ambassadors .
another " best in show
" alumnus , jennifer coolidge , is poorly used as wellington 's cheating wife ( and shown several days apart wearing the same outfit ? ! ) and greg germann ( tv 's " ally mcbeal , " " sweet november " ) continues display his sitcom roots as her lover and husband 's lawyer .
mark addy ( " the full monty " ) is sorely underutilized as cisco , wellington 's fake english butler .
stealing the show in every scene she 's in is wanda sykes ( " the chris rock show " ) as wellington 's disgruntled maid .
" down to earth " is for chris rock fans only .
all others should go rent " heaven can wait " or truly be brought down to earth .
Output: N
what would you do if no one could see you ?
well , if you 're a super smart bio - molecular research scientist working for the military , you 'd grope a co - worker and rough - up your neighbor from across the street .
that 's right .
of all the non - criminal possibilities brought about by rendering oneself invisible , in " hollow man " kevin bacon 's character opts to commit sex crimes .
er , it 's kevin bacon who plays the super smart military bio - molecular research scientist ?
something sounds horribly wrong already .
but this is a paul verhoeven film , and the sleazepin director of such open - crotch classics as " basic instinct " and the infamous " showgirls " never lets a little credibility get in the way of his voyeuristic tendencies which , when you come right down to it , is all this film is about .
"
hollow man " features a string of hapless , c - list actors
( among them bacon , elisabeth shue , josh brolin , and kim dickens ) in a grade - z plot with a lot of special effects that , frankly , do n't look much better than those used in the 1933 version of " the invisible man .
"
oh bacon glistens when he gets wet all right and looks like a rather fatty side of cheap flank steak when he 's attempting reentry but
otherwise it 's lots of " thermal " shots and inanimate objects
( elisabeth shue included ) bobbing around without any visible signs of support .
since invisibility , once achieved , is n't much of an effect ( the actors spend half their time conversing with nobody and the other half of their time talking to each other -- it amounts to much of a muchness ) , the director elects to wardrobe all of his female protagonists in loosely - buttoned sweaters so that the minute bacon 's character gets invisible he can head straight for them .
it 's as if that fascinating concept -- what would you do if no one could see you ?
--is
simply a verhoeven ploy to show some skin .
as a horror film , " hollow man " is unsophisticated and disturbing
( in its intent , not its achievements ) and not worth your time or your hard - earned dollars .
it 's minor verhoeven -- and even that 's not saying much -- and boy is it hollow .
Output: N
apparantly money talks .
. .
and uses quite a bit of obscenities doing so !
i 've always considered myself pretty open about the gratuity a film can possess , whether in language , violence , sex , or what have you .
i find that this fact gives me a little more leverage to complain when a movie goes overboard , and money talks definitely does !
it 's not so much that the movie swore nearly constantly ( and i mean constantly ! ) , but it swore so much that it seemed overly prominent and way too staged .
perhaps if one character were foul mouthed , but in this film , everybody swears nearly every other word .
money talks is about a black ticket scalper named franklin hatchett ( played less annoyingly than expected by chris tucker ) .
franklin is your typical con - man and ends up with more than one person out to get him .
when the plot finally gets underway , there 's no less than three people ( or groups ) that want him , dead or alive .
the frenchman who 's somewhat responsible for franklin 's escape from a prisoner - packed bus , a hoodlum whom franklin owes seven grand , and the cops who wrongly suspect him of murder .
franklin 's only hope : james russell ( charlie sheen ) , an investigative reporter for the local news who 's out to prove himself a worthy journalist .
james offers to help clear franklin 's name if franklin will just allow him an exclusive report to help channel 12 conquer sweeps week .
both of these elements are completely lost along the way however , and never do reappear .
as expected , the odd couple of franklin and james do wind up friends at the end , which is another wasted element seeing as how they show no signs of becoming friends at any point along the way .
there is just nothing original or intriguing about this film , and so many developments are either non - relevant , or just plain forgotten about . money talks is a paint - by - numbers movie that lacks any real involvment with the audience . frivilous dialogue , a predictable , flat storyline , and two - dimensional characters make money talks a reason to save your money .
Output: N
plot : upon the realization that they are failing all of their classes , two roommates try to find a third roomie who will kill himself , since the school 's charter automatically grants top grades to the roommates of any student who succeeds in suicide .
critique : despite this film 's interesting premise and dark subject matter , this movie sucks because it is unfunny , boring , and presents us with one of tom everett scott 's worst acting performances .
add that to a completely unsuccessful romance element , many lame and corny jokes , a long wait for the setup , and an ending that takes all the blackness out of this " black comedy " ( if you 're gon na create a black comedy , do n't chicken out in the end - see very bad things ( 8/10 ) for a perfect example ) , and you 've got yourself a trite mtv creation worthy of its own subject matter .
i barely laughed at any gags , found the bong element contrived and repetitive , and was horrified not to find any gratuitous nudity tossed anywhere in this movie ( if you 're gon na make a bad college comedy , at least slap in some free t&a shots for the kids : ) .
this one 's not even worth the rental , fellas .
skip it altogether !
little known facts about this film and its stars : during auditions for that thing you do !
, tom everett scott 's first feature film role , director tom hanks was opposed to hiring tom because of the fact that scott could 've passed for hanks 15 years ago .
it was n't until hanks ' wife rita wilson saw the audition tape , and decided he was cute , that hanks decided to risk hiring scott .
the actor who played scott cooper in this film , mark - paul gosselaar , is best known for having played the character of zack morris on tv 's " saved by the bell " .
his parents are dutch and named hans and paula .
and who would 've guessed that this is director alan cohn 's first shot at directing a feature film ?
Output: N
susan granger 's review of " ghosts of mars " ( sony pictures entertainment ) horror auteur john carpenter ( " halloween , " " vampires " ) strikes out with this sci - fi eco - fable
that 's so bad it boggles the mind to imagine how the project ever got green - lit
.
the script by carpenter and larry sulkis appears to have been lifted directly from last year 's " pitch black , " involving a violent prisoner who must be released from bondage so that he can help a small band of humans protect themselves from blood - thirsty , marauding aliens .
in the year 2176 , there are 640 , 000 earthlings on mars , living in a matriarchal society led by a commander , played by pam grier .
grier , pill - poppin ' natasha henstridge , and some rookie mars police officers ( clea duvall , jason statham ) travel to the remote mining town of shining canyon to fetch " desolation " williams -
that 's ice cube - to bring him back to chryse city to stand trial for murder .
but when they 're besieged by demented , zombie - like , body - snatching miners , they readily free the scowling ice cube since they need him for protection .
it seems a red cloud was released from a shining canyon cave and , soon after , most of the miners went bonkers as long - dormant remnants of an ancient martian civilization took over their minds and bodies , lopping off heads as " vengeance for anything that tries to lay claim to their planet , " according to a scientist ( joanna cassidy ) .
carpenter uses so many flashbacks to tell the " night of the living dead
" -like story that the idiotic plot gets incomprehensibly confusing .
but you can easily predict each of the supporting characters who will be killed , along with the order of their elimination .
on the granger movie gauge of 1 to 10 , " ghosts of mars " thuds to a laborious , bottom - of - the - barrel 1 .
perhaps , indeed , there is a curse on mars films , if you recall two other duds
: " mission to mars " and " red planet . "
Output: N
plot : based on the wildly popular " jerry springer " tv show , this movie follows the lives of two groups of people before they make their bizarre appearances on the infamous program .
one posse comes from the trailer parks and are to be featured in the " i slept with my stepfather " segment , and the other is based on some fly - girl whose girlfriends keep sleeping with her undevoted " dog " boyfriend .
critique : the truth is that if i did n't have a day job , i would probably watch the real " jerry springer " show every day .
i find it quite entertaining , despite its complete lack of redeeming value .
having said that , the show itself is outrageous , funny , and always filled with goofy surprises , as opposed to this film which features no laughs ( is this a comedy or a drama ? ) , uninteresting and completely unbelievable one - dimensional stereotypes , and a contrived plot which bores us stupid all the way .
i never thought i would utter the word boring in the same sentence as jerry springer , but this film is an absolute yawn - fest , despite offering various scenes featuring simulated blowjobs , lesbians , t&a and tv violence ( who would 've guessed that ? ) .
i wish they would have either a ) made this movie much , much funnier , or b ) turned it into a complete drama and given us a real perspective as to why people like this actually put themselves through these public forums of embarrassment .
unfortunately , it does n't seem as though screenwriter jon bernstein spent more than a drunken weekend watching real " jerry springer " reruns to complete his script , leaving us with a boring film , featuring no laughs , one - dimensional characters , and no fun whatsoever .
little known facts about this film and its stars : jerry springer used to be the mayor of cincinnati , ohio .
for this film , he won the 1999 razzie award for worst new star , tied with joe esterhas from an alan smithee film :
burn hollywood burn .
Output: N
i never understood what the clich ?
" hell on earth " truly meant until very recently .
i 've just never experienced anything in my life which was
so terrifying , so horrible , so monstrously deplorable that it justified being termed as " hell on earth " .
after all , i 've never been to war , i 've never been the victim of any violent crime , i 've never really been broken hearted , and i 've never been audited ; so i really had no frame of reference as to people meant when they said that something was " hell on earth
" then i saw cruel intentions .
in a perfect world , i would be in charge of all the movie studios .
the very first thing i 'd do in this perfect world , would be to take every hollywood producer who thinks that setting any story in contemporary america with a 20-something cast playing teenagers and featuring a soundtrack ripped directly from mtv , and throw them in jail .
but it would n't just be your average jail , not even a maximum security installation .
i 'd have these producers ( and everyone else involved in the production of these films ) put in front of a war crimes tribunal and forced to beg for mercy for their crimes against humanity .
now you 're probably thinking to yourself : " is this really how bad cruel intentions is ?
"
the answer is no .
it 's actually much worse .
watching the cast of this motion picture atrocity try to act their way through roger kumble 's awfully written script is probably a lot like stabbing yourself in the arm with a chainsaw and then pouring salt on the open wound .
and then pouring acid on the salt .
i do n't know if kumble was trying to evoke comedy or tragedy out of his opening scene where marci greenbaum ( tara reid ) whines about having nude photos of her posted on the internet , but the only emotion i felt was sheer boredom
.
from that opening scene , where boring actor ryan phillippe tries to seduce tv actress swoosie kurtz , to the conclusion which i do n't remember because i had practically fallen asleep ; cruel intentions is truly " hell on earth , " right up there with war and tax audits .
Output: N
" showgirls " is the first big - budget , big - studio film to receive an nc-17 rating .
and its release last year came at a time when senator bob dole and other politicans
chastised the entertainment industry for promoting sex and violence .
but if " showgirls " is any indication of hollywood 's future , the folks in washington should focus their attack on a more dangerous threat to american values -- bad moviemaking .
" showgirls " is a relentlessly exploitive look at the las vegas strip scene , and the film turns out to be just as trashy as its subject matter .
director paul verhoeven and writer joe eszterhas , who collaborated on another shock - value project , 1992 's " basic instinct , " follow the plight of a young woman ( teen tv star elizabeth berkley ) determined to make a name for herself as a topless dancer .
it 's a hackneyed premise to begin with , so not surprisingly , all of the stock characters are trucked out .
there 's the demanding producer .
the loyal friend .
the bitchy competitor .
lest i forget the scummy club owner .
of course , any attempt at character development or a coherent storyline is just window dressing for the film 's main attraction -- an endless parade of full - frontal nudity .
unfortunately , " showgirls " does n't satisfy in this department .
verhoeven 's slam - bang , in - your - face style of direction proves neither arousing nor erotic .
to make matters worse , you 'll be forced to sit through the movie 's clothed scenes , which do n't cover up for laughable acting and some of the most absurd dialogue ever spoken in film history .
verhoeven and ezsterhas deserve credit for trying to break ground , but if it 's adult entertainment you want , stay home and watch the playboy channel .
you 'll be the wiser for it .
Output: N
here 's a concept -- jean - claude van damme gets killed within the first ten minutes of the movie .
now if that is n't enough to get you to finally see a van damme movie , i do n't know what is .
all sarcasm aside , it is certainly a different way to start a movie ,
of course a few minutes later we find out that the newly deceased had a twin brother -- so lucky us
, we get to see more of jean - claude .
van damme # 1 works for the russian mafia in the united states and is killed by some of their operatives .
van damme # 2 is a police officer in france who finds out that he had a twin brother he never knew about after # 1 gets killed in france .
the remaining twin ( the french cop ) goes to the united states to find out who killed his brother and avenge his death .
once there , he hooks up with his deceased brother 's girlfriend , played by natasha henstridge , and the two of them set out to discover who the murderers are .
jean - claude 's acting abilities do n't seem to be up to the usual lackluster standards in this movie .
in other words , just in case you missed the sarcasm ,
his acting is worse than normal .
on the upside , natasha henstridge is in this film , and she does what she did best in species
-- she gets naked .
sadly , this is probably the high point in the movie .
she is actually a decent actress , but did n't improve as much as i thought she would after species .
this is the typical van damme movie , with jean - claude doing a variety of high end martial arts moves on his opponents .
nothing new here , and certainly nothing we have n't seen in every other van damme movie .
simply put , there is absolutely nothing new about this movie .
it has a retread plot -- this is n't the first time jean - claude has played twins .
he still ca n't act .
we all saw natasha 's breasts in species ( although this is one repeat performance i 'm not complaining about ) .
this is pretty much like every movie that van damme has ever been involved in -- sub par .
Output: N
deuce bigalow ( rob schneider ) cleans fish tanks .
yeah ,
i did n't know that was a real job either .
one of his customers is antoine leconte ( oded fehr ) , a successful gigolo .
when antoine has to go to sweden for three weeks , he lets deuce use his house to look after an ailing $ 800 fish . fooling around , deuce sets fire to the kitchen and smashes a $ 6000 fish tank .
after taking a try at one of antoine 's clients and earning $ 10 , deuce decides to prostitute himself to raise the money to replace the fish tank before the fiery - tempered antoine returns .
enter t .
j .
( eddie griffin ) , a pimp for " man - whores , " who arranges for deuce to service an assortment of women whose imperfections keep them from dating .
there 's an enormous woman ( played by transvestite porn star chi chi la rue ) who hides food in her clothes .
there 's claire ( gail o'grady ) whose narcolepsy causes her to fall asleep every few minutes .
tina ( torsten voges ) is so tall her face does n't fit on the screen , and ruth ( amy poehler ) has tourette 's syndrome and shouts obscenities without warning .
finally there 's kate ( arija bareikis )
whose sorority sisters secretly paid her fare .
she seems perfect , and deuce quickly falls in love with her .
( she does , we discover later , have an imperfection , but deuce decides it is n't important . )
deuce 's life is complicated by a bothersome cop ( william forsythe ) looking for information on antoine and by kate 's discovery of his man - whoring . however , neither threat generates much suspense .
the formula is so familiar that we know how it will end from the start .
" deuce bigalow " is the first project from adam sandler 's company happy madison , the formation of which assures that we 'll be seeing the sandler style of comedy mass - produced at an increasing rate in years to come . be afraid .
be very afraid .
the good news is that sandler does n't actually appear in " deuce " and that rob schneider and eddie griffin are funnier than sandler .
schneider has a sweetness that makes the clueless but good - hearted deuce believable .
griffin 's delivery is dead - on , especially in the coining of " technical terms " for t .
j . 's profession , as in " do n't make me he - bitch man - slap you !
"
there 's the expected amount of toilet humor in " deuce .
"
( for one thing , deuce 's dad is a men 's room attendant ) .
does anyone over the age of eight actually find bowel movements that funny ?
for most of us , i think that childhood fascination with bodily functions disappears when we hit the far - side of puberty and discover how funny sex is .
i , for one , will be glad when the toilet trend is finally flushed .
bottom line : " deuce " does n't offer anything new but it is intermittently funny .
Output: N
this is your definitive " hollywood " movie , extremely predictable , following the basic formula ( a horrible ending ) , overzealous writing ( meaning the writing was bad and seemed as if it were trying too hard to make it exciting , therefore making it look as if many things were merely tossed in there to fill space )
and if tommy lee jones and his lovable wise - ass character ( of which we 've seen before in the fugitive and quite frankly , was n't used enough here ) , i 'm afraid the film would have been completely unbearable .
in this film , ashley judd plays a women who is wrongfully convicted of killing her husband while out sailing for a weekend .
while in jail she finds out that her husband really is alive and that he framed the murder on her . over money ( how original ) .
while in jail she works out , exercises and basically does her best to get into near perfect condition .
now she has learned about a law titled " double jeopardy " stating that if she serves her full sentence and get out she could kill her husband and the law could not touch her ( although there has been talk that this is not the way the actual law works ) .
now her po ( parole officer ) , and a bunch of cops are chasing after her and are conflicted whether or not to believe her claims .
skipping over to the acting : the fact that judd is more of a looker than an actress ( no offense , she has been good [ simon birch ] and even very good to great [ kiss the girls ] at times , in the past
and i believe may have the potential to be better . . .
but she 's terribly unconvincing in this and her performance seems stale and unsatisfying )
does n't really add to the movie at all ; just takes away .
as i 'd said , jones was fine , although he did not have much to work with
.
he was much more of a supporting character .
which is fine , and he handled it well ; especially considering the material he had to work with .
i feel this film had alot going for it .
originality not being an issue .
the acting was the only thing ( as i said ) keeping it alive .
the plot seemed pretty intriguing and could have been as well if applied better .
the action scenes were well made ( however sometimes out of place ) .
i was just left unsatisfied in the long run .
so basically some of the action may have been exciting but genuinely over - thought , the plot has certainly been done before ( generally speaking ) , the movie moves way too fast for us to get involved in either the characters or the plot , and is basically a film that was almost saved by tommy lee jones , who if he had some more screentime , could perhaps have earned the film a higher rating ; in my book , anyway .
keep this in mind , if you 're in the mood for a good action film -- rent the fugitive .
d+
Output: N
when i originally saw the trailer for " analyze this " a few months ago , i must admit ,
i thought it looked kind of lame .
and then when the commercials started popping up a week or two ago , i thought it looked outright bad
.
but then when " analyze this " finally opened a few days ago , an odd thing happened .
it got great reviews .
critics were proclaiming it " hilarious " and a " dead - on parody of mob movies " .
well , with praise like that , i figured , it must be good
and so i headed off to the theater .
you know that expression that says always trust your gut instincts ?
well , turns out that expression is more valid than i ever gave it credit for .
" analyze this " is slow , unfunny , and badly acted .
do n't get me wrong , i think that deniro is one of the top ten greatest actors of the century , but he is just out of his league here .
i think the problem is he did n't quite know how to approach this material .
he plays his character , mob boss paull vitti , somewhere in between the realm of comedy and drama . if he had played the character straight , along the lines of leslie nielson in the " naked gun " series , he probably would have been a lot more successful .
as it is , though , he plays the character completely serious at some moments , and for laughs at others .
this does n't work .
it creates an uneven character that never breaks out of the deniro mold ; you always know it 's him . and the movie is badly paced , too .
it never takes off .
it just crawls from one scene to another without any forward momentum .
i think the blame for this should be placed on the script .
it 's obvious the writer had a good idea for a movie , mob boss faces breakdown and needs the services of a psychiatrist , but once this is established , the movie does n't really go anywhere .
the formula of the film seems to be this : billy crystal says no to deniro , deniro forces him , and much wackiness ensues .
this formula of sorts is repeated several times throughout the movie .
i 've said it before and i 'll say it again : the only thing that matters to me in a comedy is whether or not it 's funny .
if " analyze this " had been funny , the pacing and bad acting would n't have bothered me .
i would have been too busy laughing to notice .
but as it is , i only chuckled a few times .
the only really funny scene is a dead - on parody of " the godfather " .
sadly , though , i do n't think anyone in the audience i saw it with realized it was a parody , because i was the only one laughing .
but my sense of humour , i have come to realize , is vastly different from the general population .
i loathed " there 's something about mary " , yet loved " baseketball " .
now , if you want a movie that * i * think is funny , go out and see " office space " .
it 's full of genuine laughs and wo n't leave you glancing at your watch every 10 minutes , as " analyze this " did .
Output: N
jean - claude van damme movies tend to be , if nothing else , a lot of mindless fun .
his latest film , " knock off , " skips on the fun part leaving a wildly incoherent exercise that is , well , simply mindless .
you ca n't really blame van damme .
no one , i suspect , has ever expected " the muscles from brussels " to contribute a heartfelt performance brimming with introspection and delicate shades of gray .
and even his sidekick co - star , " saturday night live " alumnus rob " makin ' copies " schneider , does what 's expected of him , although neither appear to want the role of straight man .
no ,
the problem with the film is its direction .
the first five minutes of the film are incomprehensible . . .
and it goes downhill from there !
five hundred characters , it seems , are introduced within the first fifteen minutes .
van damme does n't land his first kick until after thirty -- too late for most action fans -- and by the time the hour mark has rolled around ,
your jaw will be on your cup holder and you 'll be wondering why you elected to spend seven dollars on this mess
.
director hark tsui , whose previous film was the van damme / dennis rodman teamed " double team , " films at such a frenetic pace that it 's hard to know what 's going on
, who 's on whose side , and what the point of all this is .
faster than you can yell " fruit stand !
"
we 're watching a crazed rickshaw race with schneider being bounced along by an energetic van damme .
when schneider starts whacking van damme in the behind with a four - foot eel while enthusing " move your beautiful big ass , " the movie takes an unprecedented turn to the bizarre .
every now and again " knock off " will deliver some truly ingenious directorial flourishes -- inventive camera shots and angles , wild rides down gun silencers and from the tops of buildings to the sprawling street below , revealing cut - ins within the frame -- but they all happen too quickly , and within such a furious frame of reference , that they 're wasted . if only hark could have slowed things down just for a minute . if you 're interested in the plot , you 're better off reading a capsule review than trying to extract any meaning from the on - screen shenanigans : " jean - claude van damme plays a shady bluejeans manufacturer who uncovers a russian mafia plot to terrorize the world with " nanobombs " hidden in cabbage patch knock - offs .
maybe .
with paul sorvino .
"
a more accurate summary would be " jean - claude van damme bums around hong kong failing to avoid large , blatant coca - cola product placements .
"
the fact that the film is staged during hong kong 's last days under british rule gets some lip service but does n't figure in at all .
perhaps " knock off " 's most intriguing credit is that ron and russell mael composed the frenzied music score .
some of you might remember the mael brothers as the ' 80s synth pop duo sparks ; their contributions here are as confused as the accompanying action-- " kimono my house " indeed !
like the cheap jeans and " pumma " sneakers manufactured in hong kong , van damme 's latest is a real phony .
Output: N
in " twilight , " a ex - alcoholic , ex - cop , ex - husband , ex - private - eye , harry ross ( paul newman ) , works for a pair of aging hollywood actors , catherine ( susan sarandon ) and jack ames ( gene hackman ) .
jack is being blackmailed , and he asks harry to deliver the payoff .
instead of the blackmailers , harry finds a dying ex - cop ( m . emmet walsh ) .
as more bodies begin to pile up , harry realizes that he will have to solve the disappearance of catherine 's first husband twenty years earlier to find out who 's willing to kill to keep that secret buried .
newman .
sarandon .
hackman .
with an a - list cast of oscar laureates like that , " twilight " would seem very promising . however , the script is tired and predictable
.
it would serve well as a tv - movie - of - the - week , possibly with some 1970 's detective hero reprising his role .
the appeal of the project for its stars and its director , robert benton , is nostalgia .
" twilight " wants very much to be a 1940 's film noir with alan ladd or dick powell .
all of the standard tropes are here : a hard - boiled p .
i .
among the rich and beautiful whose glamour hides sinister secrets , a femme fatale who tempts and confounds the hero , shadowy figures shooting from doorways , dead bodies confronting the hero at every turn , cops dogging his path and interfering with his investigation .
the script offers little originality , and
co - authors benton and richard russo seem unaware that what was original in 1948 is a clich ? in 1998 .
elmer bernstein 's score is hauntingly melodic and could have been drawn note - for - note from a vintage noir .
the lead actors try hard - none of the three has every made less than a full effort , even when burdened with a bad script .
they try to invest every line and gesture with meaning , and they create a convincing sense of the relationships between the main characters .
harry is fond of jack but is in love with catherine .
jack is dying of cancer and is jealous of harry 's love for catherine .
catherine teases harry and enjoys his attention , but her real feelings are hidden beneath a carefully - maintained veneer .
" twilight " wants to be character - driven like " nobody 's fool " ( also directed by benton , also starring newman , based on a novel by russo ) was , but the tired script gives the actors too little to work with .
" twilight " also squanders a fine supporting cast :
stockard channing ( harry 's friend on the police force ) , reese witherspoon ( jack & catherine 's bratty kid ) , giancarlo esposito ( the humorous sidekick ) , john spencer ( harry 's nemesis on the force ) , liev schreiber and margo martindale ( the blackmailers ) , and james garner ( a cop who bailed movie stars out of trouble ) .
Output: N