"
it was not scary .
" these are the first words that came to mind after it was over .
when a movie is called _ vampires _ , " not scary " are n't words that should be associated with it .
but that was n't my only gripe .
john carpenter is a name associated with cutting - edge cinema , as in the intense scares of _ halloween _ ,
_ the thing _
and _ the prince of darkness _ , or the offbeat action of _
they live _ and _ escape from new york_. unfortunately , the only thing that is cutting edge about _ vampires
_ is the level of boredom the movie is able to reach .
with an anemic plot and not - quite - kosher special effects , _ john carpenter 's vampires _ has barely enough substance to slake the thirst of even the least discerning genre fan .
the film is at first concerned with a group of roaming vampire slayers , led by james woods , of all people .
like some sort of holy a - team ( they even have their own souped - up van ) , the bunch invade and wipe out a nest of vampires in a new mexico shack .
their method is amusingly innovative : the blood - suckers are reeled out with harpoons so they can flare up in the sun like matchsticks . to commemorate their victory , the loutish band decorates a motel room with hookers and parties the night away .
their celebration is short - lived , however , as a master vampire named valek ambushes and single - handedly destroys most of the team .
woods ' jack crow and buddy montoya ( daniel baldwin ) escape with their lives , along with a woman named katrina ( sheryl lee ) .
although the woman has been bitten , montoya and crow decide to keep katrina for her psychic link to the master vampire .
the rest of the movie is concerned with the boys ' hunt for valek ( thomas ian griffith ) , a freaky marilyn manson - type who 's on a mission that dates back 600 years .
along the way they pick up a priest named guiteau ( tim guinee ) , a character who serves pretty much the same purpose as the jittery cpl .
upham in _ saving private ryan_. some stuff happens in the middle of the movie ,
but i ca n't remember most of it , because i often found a twitching hair in the corner of the frame more interesting than what was happening on screen .
_ vampires
_ finally starts to pick up about 90 minutes into the mix , as crow , guiteau , and montoya assault an abandoned prison - turned vampire nest .
only then does the film begin to even resemble a carpenter flick .
but it 's too little too late .
we get the inevitable final confrontation , but it seems tacked on and rather anti - climactic
( come on , we 're dealing with _ the _ master vampire here ! )
interestingly , last summer 's vampire actioner _ blade _ was derived from a comic book , and _ vampires _ from a novel ,
yet the latter seems more steeped in campy cheesiness than the former , a more deliberate superhero flick .
woods ' jack
crow spouts glib off - the - cuff one - liners and strolls away from exploding buildings with that oh - so - cool stride . and his motive for killing vampires ?
take a wild guess .
( hint : a _
_
_ _ _
_ killed his _
_
_
_ _ when he was just a _
_
_ _ _ . )
at least _
blade _ had decent action and slick stylishness .
_ vampires _ lacks even cheap thrills to mask its gossamer - thin plot . to make up for this , the movie resorts to other " shocks , " such as its generally condescending attitude towards women
( crow slaps them around for the fun of it ) and an overplayed contempt for religion
( crow teases guiteau incessantly about whether his vow of celibacy has made him prone to " getting woodies . " )
it can be argued that maybe i wanted too much from this movie .
if not scary and gory , i wanted tense , relentless , and exhausting .
_ john carpenter 's vampires
_ is none of these .
i can only recommended it for the hardcore carpenter fan .
for the rest of you looking for a good scare
, beware :
_ vampires
_ is a film with no teeth .
Output: N