it happens every year -- the days get longer , the weather gets warmer and the studios start releasing their big - budget blockbusters .
this year 's crop already seems inferior to that of past summers , even 1997 's lackluster trio of batman & robin , the fifth element and the lost world .
the marketing blitz in 1998 has been centered on godzilla ( " heeere , lee - zerd , lee - zerd . . . " ) , which does n't make me optimistic about future summers .
godzilla is , of course , based on a series of cult movies ( translation : really bad movies only a few people can tolerate ) from japan that turn up really late at night on ted turner - owned cable stations .
that this big - budget remake wo n't rise above its roots is fairly obvious .
the credits show us the origin of godzilla .
in five words : nuclear explosion creates giant lizard .
sounds like an enquirer headline , does n't it ?
the mushroom cloud is followed by the inevitable " discovery " sequence .
this time , a japanese guy is eating noodles with chopsticks while watching sumo wrestling ( if that ai n't a stereotype . . . )
when he discovers the telltale radar blip .
people die .
cut to our protagonist , played by matthew broderick .
he makes his first appearance wearing headphones , warbling along to " singin ' in the rain .
"
it 's a none - too - subtle sign that he wishes he were in a classier movie .
no dice , bueller .
from the beginning , poor matthew has to do embarassing things like fondle giant earthworms and stand in godzilla 's enormous footprint .
every disaster movie has to have a know - it - all scientist , and this time broderick is it .
as the world 's leading expert on radiated earthworms ( and would n't you love to have that printed on your business card ? ) , broderick is invaluable to the government .
he immediately dispels vicki lewis ' theory that godzilla is a dinosaur because , hey , you ca n't take seriously the intellectual arguments of " newsradio " cast members .
broderick instead hits the nail on the head , announcing godzilla is a radiated lizard .
"
the radiation is n't an anamoly , " he announces , and lightning strikes .
"
i believe this is a mutated abberation , " he continues , and lightning strikes again .
it 's vocabulary lightning , you see ,
activated by words of four syllables or more .
meanwhile , we 're introduced to our new york cast , headed by an ambitious broadcast journalist ( maria patillo ) , broderick 's former love .
gee , what are the odds their paths will cross again at a dramatically important time ?
poor patillo has been trying to get ahead in the news business for years but has been held down by heartless anchorman harry shearer .
italian cameraman hank azaria tells her she 's not ruthless enough : " nice does n't get you anywhere in this town .
it 's dog eat dog .
"
actually , it 's lizard eat city , as godzilla emerges from the atlantic to begin a rampage on the big apple 's core .
the filmmakers provide us with a one - note drunk fisherman who hooks godzilla .
"
i think i 've got a bite , " he announces as a gigantic tidal wave begins rushing toward him .
you can guess what happens next .
similar reactions spring forth as the monster prowls the city .
hearing the rumble of approaching footsteps , one new yorker remarks , " please do n't tell me that 's another parade .
" please do n't tell me that 's the best line you could come up with .
mayor ebert is not pleased . played by the principal from " head of the class , " he continually makes the wrong decision when given an option , and bickers with his assistant gene .
i guess the filmmakers knew they 'd be getting two thumbs down from the critics and did n't even bother to kiss ass .
the problem is , if you 're going to attack siskel and ebert , you should at least make it funny .
dialogue like , " did n't we agree that we were n't going to have any sweets until after the election ?
" followed by , " back off , gene , " just does n't work for me .
other lame running jokes include everyone mispronouncing the broderick character 's last name and frenchman jean reno 's inability to find a good cup of coffee in new york .
there 's even more fun to be had as godzilla progresses .
as the beast heads back into hiding , broderick suggests the military lure it out with food .
cue twelve dump trucks , all dropping fish into a new york intersection .
( broderick :
that 's a lot of fish . )
that ambush fails , but broderick soon figures out why godzilla came to new york by buying $ 50 worth of home pregnancy tests and running lizard blood through them .
yep , godzilla 's with children , which makes you wonder just what kind of creature would be horny enough to have sex with godzilla .
that 's until broderick explains that godzilla reproduces asexually , like linda tripp .
godzilla comes to us from the makers of independence day , so
it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots .
look no further than patillo 's betrayal of broderick
( patillo : what have i done , animal ?
what have i become ? ) and the climactic " godzilla 's nest " sequence in madison square garden .
the main difference is , independence day was about the experience .
it had a real global , patriotic element to it , and some genuinely fun characters .
godzilla has lots of rain and lightning , reptilian action ripped off from jurassic park and endless product placement from the likes of kodak , blockbuster , juicy fruit , swatch , sprint and bumble bee tuna .
yes , bumble bee actually paid to be known as the official tuna of godzilla .
that fact alone is twice as interesting as anything in the movie .
Output: N