an 80-year old woman jumps enthusiastically on her couch , wearing tight - fitting leather , as she cheers on her favorite tv wrestler by calling his opponent a ` pump - bitch ' .
two men messily eat fast food as their septic truck leaks raw sewage directly behind them .
and roughly 17 people are booted in the crotch .
welcome to ` ready to rumble ' .
judging from the fact that potty - mouth adam sandler is the reigning box - office comedy champion , you realize -- albeit while shaking your head -- that yes , there is an audience for this sort of thing . ladies and gentlemen , i weep for society .
mind you , when executed with style and comic ingenuity , jokes like an alarming bodily fluid mistaken for hair gel ( ` there 's something about mary ' ) and a laxative - induced attack of explosive diarrhea ( ` dumb and dumber ' ) can be extremely funny .
unfortunately , ` ready to rumble ' is not being helmed by the farrelly brothers , nor is it bolstered by a script that accommodates the viewer with anything even remotely clever or inspired .
` ready to rumble ' is built around the dedicated fan - base of professional wrestling . . . . which , in fact , sounded like a fine concept for a goofball comedy .
but director brian robbins and screenwriter steven brill handcuff themselves , and limited to a stampede of asinine , humdrum bathroom humor , basically the only thing they manage is to evoke memories of pauly shore and ` bio dome ' .
gordie boggs ( david arquette ) and sean dawkins ( scott caan ) take pride in being hardcore wcw wrestling fanatics .
by day , they transport raw sewage .
by night ( particularly on ?
nitro ' monday )
, they pay homage to their personal hero and savior - jimmy king ( oliver platt ) , the undisputed leader of the professional wrestling community .
with two tickets to an upcoming nitro performance , gordie and sean are psyched about witnessing the king defend his title first - hand .
but unscrupulous boxing kingpin titus sinclair ( joe pantoliano , sporting long hair and cowboy boots ) has other plans .
sinclair is plotting to have diamond dallas page ( playing himself ) pummel the king into the tarp , thereby dethroning the dignified wrestler and embarrassing him in front of a bewildered auditorium full of fans .
gordie and sean are shocked , rioting madly while arguing ` this is n't even a pay - per view event ! ! '
they take it upon themselves to track the king down and supply the encouragement essential for their fallen idol to make a come - back attempt .
along the way , you can expect a lot of sh-- jokes as well .
you may find something to like in ` ready to rumble ' if a )
you are a rasslin ' aficionado yourself , or
b ) you are a dedicated fan of the lowest of low - brow comedies .
i welcome low - brow humor with open arms
- that is , if its fresh and resourceful .
` rumble ' is nothing but a sloppy , frightfully unfunny swamp land of misbegotten retardation .
the first half - hour is the ultimate test of patience .
luckily , the simple - minded events pick up steam , particularly with the well - choreographed wrestling action .
director robbins showed a knack for capturing the brutality and excitement of football in ` varsity blues ' , and when in the ring , he does professional work .
but the violence is too excessive .
having the fake soap opera of wcw wrestling turn into a bloody skirmish brings back unfortunate memories of owen hart 's tragic accident just last year , especially with one character 's dive during a cage match .
this is not something you want a comedy to be reminiscent of .
outside the wrestling action , the lewd jokes and puerile sight gags bring new meaning to the term ?
scattershot ' , while the dialogue fluctuates in on the vulgarity scale of 1 to 10 , with brill 's extensive vocabulary ranging from ` diddly ' to ` boob ' and so on .
the final tally
: i chuckled a few times , groaned a lot , and indulged in one spirited belly laugh involving martin landau as a geriatric wrestling coach who fights pretty impressively for 105 .
casting - wise , ` ready to rumble ' is an odd duck .
oliver platt as a champion wrestling figure ?
he 's perhaps a bit chunky , but fellow wrestlers acknowledge this in the ring by calling him ` fatty ' , which dampens the blow i suppose .
rose mcgowan is fully disposable as a sultry wcw cheerleader ( ` the nirto - est of the nitro girls , ' proclaims gordie ) , but extra pep is added with appearances by wrestlers goldberg , ` macho man ' randy savage and sting ( among others ) .
wcw fans are sure to appreciate these .
others .
. .
well , wo n't .
i found merit in david arquette 's bountiful energy as gordie , which brings me to my finishing . . . .
ahhh . . . .
` praise ' for the film : in ` ready to rumble ' ,
i have discovered something even more annoying than arquette 's ` at&t ' television commercials .
now there 's a low blow for you .
Output: N