the last line ( or near to that honor ) is the great butler , alfred ( the ubergod , michael gough ) saying , " i think we need a bigger bat cave , " or something to that note .
that 's exactly what this film is - too big for its own good because it has too damn much .
cut batgirl out .
cut one of the villains .
it 's too much to handle in one dosage .
it 's so much that characters get left behind .
poor elle gets a mere 3 scenes and a subplot which is introduced but never finished in any way , shape or form .
and elle deserves better .
this is the fourth in the gigantic film series and the second from director joel schumacher .
it 's also the fourth worst in the series ( and second worst from joel ) .
the series has been declining since its stunning debut , followed by the almost - as - stunning sequel and then the anti - climactic third one ( first by joel ) .
this one 's not
anti - climactic - i knew it was gon na suck
.
it 's up to joel to make it fun though .
" batman forever " was fun .
this is a big bore of over - produced action sequences and shallow characters .
i mean , this one bit .
i 'm gon na put all the plot in one paragraph : mr .
freeze ( ah - nold ) , who 's wife was dying of some disease , has become the new big villain these days .
he 's a huge ex - scientist who fell into some weird liquid ( hello ? joker ? )
and now has a body temperature of a big fat zero and has a blue body .
batman ( george ) and robin ( chris ) fight him a bit but find they 're growing apart .
meanwhile , another villain shows up , poison ivy ( uma ! ) , who was a dorky scientist chick working on flowers in south america with a twistet scientist ( john glover ) who kills her when she finds out he 's used her research to develop an uberman , bane , who is basically a man pumped with chemicals which probably killed any personality he ever had .
she emerges from her chemicals ( do n't ask 'cause i ca n't tell ya ) as a sexy woman ( the real uma ) who 's poison when
or if you kiss her and has some aphrodiasiatic scent she blows at people .
she starts to tear away at the dynamic duo .
meanwhile , alfred 's dying of the same disease mr .
freeze 's wife has ( but in an earlier state than she ) , and his niece , barbara ( alicia ) , comes all the way from oxford without an english accent to get him away from the butler trade , but soon ( well , not really soon , it takes her 2 hours ) becomes batgirl .
meanwhile , in an unfinished subplot , bruce ( batman 's alter - ego , if you forgot ) has been dating the lovely julie madison ( the even lovlier elle macpherson ) who wants a commitment after a year but he says nothing .
end of her for all we know .
mr .
freeze ultimately teams with poison ivy
and they want to freeze the world and then take it over growing new plants as their population
( do n't ask ! ! ! ) .
the trio must team together " as family " to beat them .
there ya go .
not the whole story but no big context clues . too much , right ?
right !
the films seems patched together of nice little ideas which would have made for a couple good sequels .
however , while tim burton nicely balanced the villain / batman storyline ( although not wonderfully ) , joel seems to do almost nothing with batman in this one .
he gets some corny speeches , a couple clever lines and that 's it .
maybe some stunts .
for all this , i ca n't even comment on george clooney as batman - i hardly saw the guy !
and when i did , he had horrible dialogue to say .
i think michael keaton is the quintessential batman
but val kilmer was too robotic and fake as batman in the last episode .
george is in between them .
he 's not quintessential , he 's not horrible , he 's good .
but i 'm sure next time when they decide to renovate the series since they 'll be critically murdered for this sorry effort , we 'll get a good script and clooney will shine ( if he still has the job ) .
the villains are the only interesting part of the series according to schumacher .
last time , we had the brawn of two face as played by tommy lee jones and the brains / comedy supplied by the riddler as realized by jim carrey .
this time we have a somewhat sympathetic and somewhat hatable villain ( the same guy ) , mr . freeze .
we feel bad for his mental / physical collapse but does he really need to kill everyone for plants ?
arnold is n't very good - too hokey but kinda sympathetic at some points .
when he watches old movies of his wife , he actually looks somber .
wow .
but uma makes the most of her seductive character , getting the right point between hamminess and seductiveness .
it 's like she 's almost parodying herself in " pulp fiction " at points .
she 's incredibly hot and makes the movie pretty much a star better .
as for the lower bat - people , chris is the same as he was in " batman forever , " although i think his work in these is too hokey when he 's best at quieter parts in " scent of a woman " or just plain cool parts in " fried green tomotoes .
" alicia - i love the girl but
she 's not particularly good in this film .
she can hypotheitically act , we all saw that in " clueless , " but her lines kinda sound weird .
and it is n't the mushy - mouth this time .
but in all fairness , she has virtually no part .
joel gets around to her occasionally and when she 's on , she does stupid stuff . . .
although i know i 'm not the only one who loved the catfight between her and uma . . .
and poor elle .
poor , poor elle .
i love that woman
and she can also hypothetically act ( for those of us who saw " sirens " ) .
but she has no part ! ! !
it seems like joel had so much footage that he had to edit almost an hour out of the final product .
there are no " couch " scenes ( like my best friend noticed ) .
now listen to me on this one - in every " batman " flick , there 's a couch scene .
in the original , it was with vicki .
in " returns , " it was a good make - out scene with selena .
and in the last one , it was a chat with nicole .
this one , it 's nothing .
and batgirl does next - to - nothing in this film till the end when she 's suddenly " part of the family .
"
fortunately , we get a lot of alfred .
he 's the always reliable butler , in case you did n't know , who has been with bruce all his life .
he 's a god .
he 's a father figure .
he 's also dying .
this got to me .
i love alfred almost as much as bruce and to see him in a robe , not in his tux , and freaking dying just gets to me .
we also get the idea that he might have been unhappy the whole time . . .
but this is never answered , as this film is too cluttered .
but in defense , it does have some good parts , other than uma .
for one , george is a good batman but unfortunately gets nothing to do .
and there are some nice touches .
when they show the asylum at one point , they show the patient 's belongings in a room and we see the riddler 's costume .
i laughed .
and during a biker scene ( involving robin and batgirl - another subplot never handled past initiation period ) , we not only see coolio but a bunch of bad - asses dressed as " droogs " from " a clockwork orange .
"
i laughed at all these .
the film falls apart around the five - minute mark during an enormously long action sequence which must last around 20 minutes . . .
or did it just feel like that ?
the film should serve as another in the long - line of films which demonstrate that we need more intelligent films nowadays .
people are fed up with stupid films .
that 's why the word of mouth killed " the lost world !
"
that 's why last year , indy films grossed more than ever .
that 's why this will have a strong box - office initative from people who just want to see it , like me , but will die after a week or two when the word around the grapevine kills it
.
that 's why the next two big - budget aciton pics are john woo 's " face / off " and barry sonnenfeld 's " men in black , " both which are the first two to catch on to the wave early on .
i like
joel schumacher more as a person than an artiste .
i like some of his films ( " flatliners , " " a time to kill " ) but a lot of them suck .
he 's a really eccentric person and i loved one of his quotes about how he admits to being a mediocre director
and that 's what makes him great .
but his costuming for woody allen 's " sleeper " was more interesting than this one ( and his costuming was cool - look for the nazi number ) .
i love the " batman " series .
the first two rocked
and i did like the last one .
but this one is not going to be one that i watch repeatedly like the other three .
hopefully , this will also serve as a springboard to a better batman next time .
and maybe they 'll get smart and bring back catwoman .
and michael keaton .
but we can only hope .
Output: N