niryuu/sni-each-converted huggingface dataset:
" quest for camelot " is warner bros . '
first feature - length , fully - animated attempt to steal clout from disney 's cartoon empire , but the mouse has no reason to be worried .
the only other recent challenger to their throne was last fall 's promising , if flawed , 20th century fox production " anastasia , " but disney 's " hercules , " with its lively cast and colorful palate , had her beat hands - down when it came time to crown 1997 's best piece of animation .
this year , it 's no contest , as " quest for camelot " is pretty much dead on arrival .
even the magic kingdom at its most mediocre
-- that 'd be " pocahontas " for those of you keeping score -- is n't nearly as dull as this .
the story revolves around the adventures of free - spirited kayley ( voiced by jessalyn gilsig ) , the early - teen daughter of a belated knight from king arthur 's round table .
kayley 's only dream is to follow in her father 's footsteps , and she gets her chance when evil warlord ruber ( gary oldman ) , an ex - round table member - gone - bad , steals arthur 's magical sword excalibur and accidentally loses it in a dangerous , booby - trapped forest .
with the help of hunky , blind timberland - dweller garrett ( carey elwes ) and a two - headed dragon ( eric idle and don rickles ) that 's always arguing with itself , kayley just might be able to break the medieval sexist mold and prove her worth as a fighter on arthur 's side .
" quest for camelot " is missing pure showmanship , an essential element if it 's ever expected to climb to the high ranks of disney .
there 's nothing here
that differentiates " quest " from something you 'd see on any given saturday morning cartoon -- subpar animation , instantly forgettable songs , poorly - integrated computerized footage .
( compare kayley and garrett 's run -
in with the angry ogre
to herc 's battle with the hydra .
i rest my case . )
even the characters stink -- none of them are remotely interesting , so much that the film becomes a race to see which one can out - bland the others .
in the end , it 's a tie -- they all win .
that dragon 's comedy shtick is awfully cloying , but at least it shows signs of a pulse .
at least fans of the early-'90s tgif television line - up will be thrilled to find jaleel " urkel " white and bronson " balki " pinchot sharing the same footage .
a few scenes are nicely realized ( though i 'm at a loss to recall enough to be specific ) , and the actors providing the voice talent are enthusiastic ( though most are paired up with singers who do n't sound a thing like them for their big musical moments -- jane seymour and celine dion ? ? ? ) .
but one must strain through too much of this mess to find the good . aside from the fact that children will probably be as bored watching this as adults , " quest for camelot
" 's most grievous error is its complete lack of personality .
and personality , we learn from this mess , goes a very long way .
Output: N
janeane garofalo in a romantic comedy
-- it was a good idea a couple years ago with the truth about cats and dogs but is almost excruciating in the matchmaker .
this is a by - the - books movie that plods along on a predestined course with no surprises and very few laughs .
it also jumps on the ever - popular political satire bandwagon and manages to fall flat there , too
.
garofalo plays a campaign aide to a massacusetts senator ( jay o .
sanders ) running for reelection .
denis leary plays the stereotypical strategist with no ethics who decides the only way for the scandal- plagued senator to win is to play up his irish roots and cash in on that boston roman catholic democrat contingent that 's made the kennedy family so popular .
so leary orders garofalo to go to ireland and dig up some relatives to exploit .
she soon learns why " easier said than done " is the mantra of movies like this .
the matchmaker falls for every cliche of things that can go wrong
-- garofalo has to take a tiny plane to ireland , almost misses the bus to town , ca n't get a hotel room , ends up in the smallest , trashiest one around , has a dog piss on her luggage , and so on .
then comes what roger ebert calls the " meet cute .
"
it happens in every romance : the man and woman have to meet each other for the first time in some unconventional , cinematic way .
in the matchmaker , it happens when garofalo walks into her hotel bathroom and finds a nude sean ( david o'hara ) in the bathtub , his dog sitting at his side .
no points for guessing it 's the same dog that just made water on her luggage .
also no points for guessing garofalo hates o'hara on sight .
that 's how it works in movies like these .
i know from the instant i saw that irishman in the bathtub that she 'd hate him for awhile
, then succumb to his charms , live happily for a reel or so before allowing some superficial detail to throw the relationship into turmoil , after which they 'd reconcile in time for a happy irish tune to play over the end credits .
i have n't mentioned the movie 's twist yet .
garofalo comes to the small ireland town during the annual matchmaking festival , during which lonely folks from around the county pair off into a future of bliss .
milo o'shea ( who looks like an irish tom snyder ) is the matchmaker who pops onscreen occasionally to spew his words of wisdom and bring lonely souls together .
rest assured he 'll do all he can to match up garofalo and o'hara .
oh , and in keeping with the matchmaker 's utter predictability , he dies toward the end .
what the message here ? sometimes even the most respectable person of comedic distinction , like garofalo , will sell out with a weak script .
i was excited to see garofalo and leary in the same movie , but they actually only have two or three scenes together .
leary stays stateside , for the most part , yelling at garofalo over the phone and generally being an asshole .
he even undoes himself with the old microphone 's still on after he 's done giving the speech cliche .
both of them should have known better .
Output: N
and now the high - flying hong kong style of filmmaking has made its way down to the classics , and it is n't pretty .
this time out the nod to asia goes by way of france in the excruciating bland and lukewarm production of the musketeer , a version of dumas 's the three musketeers .
by bringing in popular asian actor / stunt coordinator xing xing xiong -- whose only prior american attempts at stunt choreography have been the laughable van damme vehicle double team and the dennis rodman cinematic joke simon sez -- our musketeers are thrown into the air to do their fighting .
the end result is a tepid and dull action / adventure rip - off that stinks of indiana jones and bad asian kung fu .
the story is so simple my grandmother could have adapted the screenplay .
d'artagnan ( justin chambers ) is the vengeful son of a slain musketeer .
he travels to paris to join the royal musketeers and find the man that killed his parents .
in paris , he meets the cunning cardinal richelieu ( stephen rea ) , who is trying to overthrow the king , and richelieu 's man - in - black associate febre ( tim roth ) , the killer of his folks .
he finds the musketeers in paris disbanded and drunk , so he rounds up aramis ( nick moran ) , athos ( jan gregor kremp ) and porthos ( steven spiers ) to free the musketeer 's wrongfully imprisoned leader treville from the king 's prison .
d'artagnan and his new frisky love interest / chambermaid francesca ( mena suvari ) play footsy and coo at each other as the cardinal hunts down the musketeers until finally the queen ( catherine deneuve ) ends up being captured by the menancing febre , forcing the musketeers to regroup , with d'artagnan leading the charge , and save the day .
director peter hyams ( end of days ) obviously wanted to blend eastern and western filmmaking styles , but here it 's a disaster .
one problem is that , in reality , most eastern films have taken their lead from western ones .
jet li 's high risk is a rip - off of die hard -- not the other way around .
ironically , there is awfully little swordplay or action in the film at all -- maybe ten minutes of swashbuckling spread over five scenes .
most asian action films carry the bulk of their production with 20- to 30-minute action sequences , because they know the scenes have to carry the picture .
the musketeer instead weighs itself down with a predictable and monotonous screenplay by gene quintano ( sudden death ) , horrible acting
by stephen rea and tim roth , and the prosaic attempt of justin chambers ( the wedding planner ) to deliver his mousy self as a leader .
chambers ' d'artangnan is n't a musketeer -- he 's a mouseketeer ! and hyam 's use of candles and torches to light the grime and filth of 17th century paris are well - noted , but that 's the only standout in
an overall flat production .
Output: N
she was the femme in " la femme nikita .
"
he was the baldwin in " backdraft , " " sliver , " and " fair game " ( with cindy crawford ) .
together , anne parillaud and william baldwin conspire to make " shattered image
" the biggest piece of hooey since the stallone / stone " thriller " " the specialist .
"
the film poses the question " what if the life you 're living now is really a dream , and your dreams reality ?
"
it 's either about a woman who 's haunted by a recurring ( and recurring and recurring )
nightmare that she 's a hired assassin , or
it 's about a hired assassin who 's haunted by a recurring ( and recurring and recurring )
nightmare that she 's honeymooning with william baldwin in jamaica .
it does n't much matter and believe me by the time " shattered image " runs its painful and pedestrian course
you wo n't care .
these two lives , with parillaud looking like siouxsie sioux with a black wig , black emotionless eyes , and black leather clothing in the seattle - based assassin scenes , and moping around like karen carpenter in the jamaica scenes , play out endlessly throughout the film and the result is
it 's now * twice * as boring as it might have been .
it 's not that complicated plots ca n't be entertaining .
of course it helps if you have interesting characters , crisp dialogue , and a modicum of style .
" shattered image " is n't complex ,
it 's just stupid .
and boring . parillaud and baldwin , who are n't exactly shakespearean material to begin with , are saddled with such leaden dialogue that their characters have zero chance of breaking free of their cardboard confines .
lines like : " you do n't beg , you insist .
i like that in a woman .
"
that 's parillaud 's character talking .
.
.
to her cat !
and : " you 're not the reason i could n't care less about you .
" huh ? and this wonderful bathroom interchange early in the film : " if you give me a couple of minutes you know i 'll charm the pants off you . "
" i do n't have that kind of time .
" talking of pants , parillaud has her clothes off faster than you can say " point of no return .
"
we have come to expect this from billy baldwin , but it might have been nice to have learned something about their characters first .
but there 's nothing to learn .
karen is as interesting as a cereal box
, a someone's - out - to - get - me crybaby who imagines the voice at the other end of the phone , the stranger who sends her flowers , maybe even her husband himself , is her would - be killer .
siouxsie is the chromium cool , tough - as - nails crack killing machine who shoots out a couple of mirrors in order to justify the film 's meaningless stock title .
baldwin seems more interested in parillaud 's nest egg ( so that he can pave paradise and put up a parking lot ) than he does in her .
each time graham greene shows up he gets killed .
barbet schroeder ( " reversal of fortune " ) co - produced and should be ashamed of himself .
every now and again it 's fun to watch a really bad movie .
and every now and again , as " shattered image " makes agonizingly clear , it is n't .
Output: N
the law of crowd pleasing romantic movies states that the two leads must end up together by film 's end .
if you 're not familiar with this law , then maybe you 've seen the trailer for this film which shows that the two leads are together by film 's end .
now if you 're a regular reader of mine , you 've heard me say this countless times : you know how drive me crazy is going to end , but is the journey to get to that ending worth it ?
no , it definitely is not .
melissa joan hart ( from abc 's " sabrina , the teenage witch " ) likes a hunky stud on the basketball team .
adrien grenier is her grungy neighbor who 's just broken up with his activist girlfriend .
apparently he wants to make his ex - girlfriend jealous enough to take him back , and she wants someone to take her to the big year end dance .
so the two pretend to date for some reason , but only after hart gives grenier a bath to turn him into a hunky stud .
will grenier like his new popularity and turn on his friends ?
will this crazy scheme work ?
do i care ?
the teen comedy resurgence of late has been surprisingly good in terms of comedy .
what makes movies like ca n't hardly wait and 10 things i hate about you work ( and to a lesser extent , she 's all that and never been kissed ) is because the writers of those films seem to realize that high school is a joke and write their scripts accordingly .
i do n't know what the writer 's intention was with drive me crazy .
there was some smart comedy in those films to make the obvious endings worth getting to .
here there 's nothing . . .
just teens whining
about who 's going to take them to the big dance .
do me a favor kids , go get a job or something . . .
just shut the hell up .
in all honesty , the best part of this film is the end credits .
now normally when i say that it 's followed with the joke " . . .
because the movie is finally over .
" in this case though the end credits really are the most entertaining part of the film .
after the obligatory second playing of britney spears ' titular song , there 's a quick commercial jingle for a burger joint the kids in the film hang out in and a brief rendition of the school song for their high school .
nothing great , but more entertaining than anything in the 90 minutes which preceded them .
sci - fi fans take note : there are brief appearances from stephen collins ( star trek : the motion picture ) and faye grant ( the tv miniseries " v " and " v : the final battle " ) .
[ pg-13 ]
Output: N
america loves convenience .
after all , we 're the culture that invented the cell phone , the 24-hour atm , and my most beloved , the remote control .
yet perhaps this time , with ghosts of mars , we have taken our love of convenience to far .
ghosts of mars stars natasha henstridge as a tough as nails , pill - poppin ' , martian cop , sent with her squadron to retrieve " demolition " williams ( ice cube ) from a remote mining town for trial back home .
when she and her comrades , appropriately dubbed " the commander , " " the rookies , " and the guy with the cool accent discover the town 's residents slaughtered , they are forced to team up with williams to escape from the remaining residents ' head - chopping , alien - possessed clutches .
filled with a lovely overuse of storytelling flashbacks , flashes - sideways , and viewpoint changes , ghosts of mars is a hapless mishmash of poorly constructed dialogue and ill - conceived action sequences .
the only thing keeping this film from becoming an incomprehensible mess is the sheer idiotic simplicity of its story .
ripped straight from the pages of a 1970s zombie movie , ghosts leaps from one convenient moment to the next , stopping only to kill the characters which are most convenient to lose .
attempts at character interaction and development are rare and forced .
most of these moments come off as kwik - e - mart wisdom , dispensed heartily around the slushee machine of life by the even - tempered streetwise hand of ice cube .
with a gun in one hand and a dynamite cap in the other , cube reminisces about his street life , comparing the zombie - stomping fun to " me and my brother when we was kids .
"
apparently , crime in the bronx has gotten so bad that the residents have actually taken to ritually decapitating one another for entertainment .
but , even in the film 's darkest moments , fate conveniently lends a hand , supplying heavily armored transportation and easily accessible rifles and dynamite .
yes , in the future , man may travel to space and conquer mars , but nothing beats a good stick of tnt .
and as we all know , every police station , past , present , or future , keeps a healthy supply on hand .
characters die , heads are lopped off , but they were only supporting roles anyway , so why should we care ?
as long as you have plenty of narcotics , immunity is guaranteed .
eventually though , even the most well - trained zombie alien gets a bit uppity and needs to be taught a lesson .
what better way than by sacrificing a few minor characters to a convenient nuclear detonation , killing anything the machine guns ca n't handle .
explosions are fun .
and even if the nukes do n't get them , the conveniently placed dynamite packs on the train stolen from the set of the road warrior certainly will .
in the end this film defines itself when our cop 's tribunal pronounces , " is that all you have to tell us ? " for , indeed , john carpenter has run out of things to say , and has instead decided to use whatever is convenient to tell a ridiculously bad story .
Output: N
a follow - up to disney 's live - action " 101 dalmatians " that 's better , more entertaining than the first ?
just as unlikely .
with " 102 dalmatians , " the disney studios have proven that when it comes to going to the dogs , more is definitely * not * the merrier .
1996 's " 101 dalmatians " certainly was n't the greatest movie - going experience of all time , but it did feature glenn close in an outrageous , larger - than - life performance .
in addition , we had two amiable leads in the form of jeff daniels and joely richardson , and lots and lots of adorable spotted puppies .
this time around there seem to be fewer puppies on the screen , and close 's facial and physical gyrations are starting to feel as old as the 53-year - old actress under that startling black and white wig of hers .
but that 's only half the problem with kevin lima 's laborious film .
what makes " 102 dalmatians " such a collosal bore is its embarrassing attempts at humor ( here almost single - handedly foisted on a wisecracking macaw who thinks he 's a dog , voiced by eric idle ) , its rabid plotlessness
( cruella goes after puppies again ; winds up in goo again ) and most of all , the incredibly wooden actors who plays the romantic " heroes " of the piece , a welshman named ioan gruffudd and the blander - than - bland
alice evans as a parole officer named chlo ? .
gruffudd is cute and harmless , perhaps , but evans ca n't even aspire to that .
the dogs upstage them both , of course , but in the case of evans , even close 's split ends are more animated .
bad acting , however , seems to be a requirement for this sequel , since g ?
rard depardieu shows up as a french furrier with a haircut like robert de niro 's in " men of honor .
"
jean pierre le pelt is a flamboyant fashion designer with a penchant for fine furs and depardieu 's over - the - top antics
mimic those of the campy close flail for flail , and wail for wail .
france 's most popular export besides brie has long since turned into a caricature of himself , and in " 102 dalmatians " the producers milk that realization for all
it 's worth --
le pelt likes to refer to the furry little critters as " poopies , " par example ( and ad nauseum ) .
the finesses of the script ( attributed to four screenwriters no less , and far removed from anything dodie smith ever dreamed up ) are quickly dispensed with , since all it takes for a paroled cruella to be shaken from her years of successful aversion therapy in the slammer is the tolling of big ben ( ? ) .
that done , it 's back to the mansion to roll around in her heretofore off - limits sables and minks and a plan to skin those little dahlings for the sake of a hooded designer gown .
the dogs are pretty cute -- try making a puppy look otherwise -- but that 's pretty much all they are .
there 's always the feeling that there 's a trainer off in the wings , coaxing the dogs to open doors , or pick up their food bowls in unison , or pop a tape into the videocasette recorder .
savvy holiday goers should skip " 102 dalmatians " and pop the original 1961 animated classic into * their * vcrs instead .
it 's one dalmatian less , but 101 % more satisfying .
Output: N
one - sided " doom and gloom " documentary about the possible annihilation of the human race as foretold by the bible .
orson welles narrates and appears in the film in which he , along with best - selling author hal lindsey , discusses various prophecies from the bible and relates them to recent ( well for 1976 anyway ) events .
the film is dated badly , as many things that are supposed to happen in the " future " never do .
for example , the planets of the solar system were supposed to line up in the year 1982 and
cause chaos here on earth .
we 're still here .
the arms race between the soviets and america was supposed to kick - off the apocalypse .
we 're still here .
some of the more ludicrous moments come when it 's alluded to that people like jimmy carter and henry kissinger may actually be the antichrist ( ! ) .
also , there 's ten minutes of stock footage at the end of the film meant to give us an idea of what the battle for armageddon might be like .
if it 's anything like it 's depicted as here
then it 's going to be incredibly boring .
the late great planet earth is available on dvd from vci home video .
it contains the film in standard form ( aspect ratio of 1 . 33 : 1 ) , although some moments of stock footage are letterboxed .
also included are brief bios on orson welles and hal lindsey , as well as a trailer for another recent vci home video release , chariots of the gods .
audio is mono dolby digital , and the video is fair to good for a film like this .
i believe this is the first appearance of this film on any home video format so any condition at all is fine with me .
certainly i never expected a remastered print .
curiously , the menu screens on this dvd look nothing like the menu screens pictured on the back of the case .
but they 're menu screens .
. .
so who really cares ?
[ pg ]
Output: N
play it to the bone ,
the newest addition to ron shelton 's sports - themed repertoire fails in numerous ways .
like most of shelton 's other great films ( bull durham , white men ca n't jump )
, this dud unsuccessfully attempts to use athleticism as a method of connecting characters and creating interesting subplots .
shelton 's films are not considered sports films , but they do heavily revolve around a specific game to tell a story .
shelton has been so good in the past at using sports to analyze the structure of society that from his collection of films we are given an examination of different classes and races living in various different regions .
play it to the bone is unsuccessful because not only is the boxing theme dull , but the side story of the two guys and a girl travelling across the country is even worse .
the film has no social message like its predecessors .
the relationship between the friends , two failed boxers who must face off against each other in the ring for 50 thousand dollars , is very confusing for a number of reasons .
the whole film , since it is primarily a " buddy picture , " depends on the strength of the friendship the two characters have for each other .
unfortunately , it is a very weak bond for the reasons listed below .
1 )
we never see how cesar ( antonio banderas ) and vince ( woody harrelson ) meet .
the two are so different from each other , that a scene of how this odd friendship developed should have been mandatory .
2 ) vince and cesar argue every moment possible on their trip to las vegas .
there is not one convincing moment dedicated to seeing the characters laugh together or actually agree on something .
3 )
the third character on the trip , grace ( lolita davidovich ) stands in the way .
she is in nearly every scene with them , making it impossible to understand the difficulty the two male characters are going to have when they fight each other .
4 ) there are two many interfering , irrelevant side stories .
vince is convinced that he sees jesus on a regular basis , cesar yells at the sky in spanish when he is angry , and grace tries to sell her inventions to hotel owner robert wagner .
these boring tales only hurt
the central plot .
5 ) when it comes to time for the two men to fight , they do n't even hesitate to pound each other .
was n't the whole point of the road trip to show that these two are friends who could never hurt each other ?
by the time the road trip part of the movie is over with , the film wants to be over .
shelton , on the other hand , continues to tell his story .
forty five painful minutes remain .
the boxing scene between cesar and vince starts out very powerful and interestingly different from other boxing movies .
however , the fight goes on for way too long and becomes very repetitive and predictable after awhile , kind of like the whole film .
Output: N
i wish i could have been in the pitch meeting for this ridiculous notion of a sports film .
i bet it was some hotshot warner brothers agent with an dark armani suit and manicured fingernails saying , " it would be a very light comedic version of any given sunday , and we could throw in the hoosiers angle with the casting of gene hackman as the tough but determined coach .
throw in that hunk of a guy keanu reeves and a cast of wacky characters and poof !
we 'll have a hit on our hands !
" the replacements is a hokey mistake of a football film , a mishmash collage of one - dimensional characters , rampant stereotypes of cultures and races , cliched emotional statements of purpose , and keanu reeves wishing for the matrix sequel to start principal photography .
the story is loosely based around the pro football players ' strike in 1987 and a rag - tag team of replacement football players taking up the reins of professional play for a variety of teams with names like the washington sentinels .
keanu reeves stars as shane falco , a has - been football college player looking for redemption .
gene hackman dons a fedora like tom landry and speaks with gusto like a certain coach in hoosiers .
rounding out the cast includes swingers ' jon favreau , 7-up pitchman orlando jones , gruff owner jack warden , and cast of wacky and unknown actors who do amazing jobs of portraying perfectly stereotyped characters : the drunken welshman , the overweight sumo wrestler , the black convict , the violent cop , and the dumb , dumb cheerleaders .
this bunch of nobodies try to make something of themselves by taking the team to the season playoffs with unbelievable football plays , gene hackman yelling and asking himself where the hell dennis hopper is , keanu reeves looking for his body double making him look good on the football field , and cheerleaders hired from the local strip club making the girls from coyote ugly look like waitresses from denny 's .
the usual things happen like clockwork .
the hero rises from the ashes of failure , the team comes together in unity , the hero falls in love with a conventional love interest , the football games are won with enough schlock value to make the most ignorant of audiences cheer and clap , and the cheerleaders make you want to go home and watch late night movies on cinemax .
it 's also a shame when decent directors with good movies under their belts go to seed and become television and sequel hacks .
howard deutch , who was behind the camera for two of the best films of ' 80s - pretty in pink and some kind of wonderful , has since been doing grumpier old men and caroline in the city episodes .
obviously the problem is that without a good script , any director will fail in the end .
sports films are strong vehicles for cinematic glory , gritty tales involving the honor of men and the valiant efforts taken for the ultimate goal of victory in the face of insurmountable odds , the rise and fall of gallant heroes , and stories of dramatic gusto painted with blood and sweat on the battlefield of life .
the replacements offers none of this .
Output: N
sean connery stars as a harvard law professor who heads back into the courtroom , by way of the everglades , to defend a young , educated black man ( blair underwood ) .
the guy is on death row for the murder of a white girl , and says that his confession was coerced from the region 's tough , black cop ( lawrence fishburne ) .
watching connery and fishburne bump heads for two hours is amusing enough , but the plot 's a joke .
there 's no logic at work here
. tone is also an issue -- there is none . director arne glimcher never establishes exactly what his film is trying to say .
is it a statement on human rights ?
is it a knock - off of silence of the lambs ?
glimcher never tells .
instead , he forces his characters to jump through hoop after hoop , over drawbridge after drawbridge , hoping that the audience wo n't notice what 's missing .
just awful .
Output: N
among multitude of erotic thrillers , that had been released in the early 1990s , woman of desire is interesting only because it was directed by robert ginty , star of the b - grade action films of the previous decade .
those who tend not to be nostalgic about 1980s can find very good reason in the type of movies that made ginty the star .
as director , ginty did very little to improve that impression .
the protagonist of the movie is jack ( played by jeff fahey ) , yacht skipper that falls madly in love with christina ford ( played by bo derek ) .
however , she has relationship with rich and powerful jonathan ashby ( steven bauer ) .
one stormy night , the tragedy occurs and jack is accused of rape and murder .
however , his good friend walter j . hill ( robert mitchum ) happens to be very good lawyer , so jack might even prove his innocence in the end . belonging more to the genre of courtroom drama than erotic thriller , woman of desire distinguishes itself from similar films by having almost all characters behaving like total idiots .
unfortunately , this film is n't comedy and any laugh is unintentional .
the characters are totally antipathetic and irritating and soon we stop caring what would happen to them .
the actors that play them do n't help either .
that is especially the case with jeff fahey , whose jack is so stupid that even the character played by fahey in lawnmower man looks like a genius in comparison .
his partner bo derek , on the other hand , shows that she did n't age enough to cease being the sex goddess , but that is small compensation for her apparent lack of acting talents .
ginty , on the other hand , tries to bring some life in the movie by using many flashbacks and strange angles of shooting , but in the end it gets only irritating to the already bored and dissatisfied viewer .
Output: N
lengthy and lousy are two words to describe the boring drama
the english patient .
great acting , music and cinematography were nice , but too many dull sub - plots and characters made the film hard to follow
.
ralph fiennes ( strange days , schindler 's list ) gives a gripping performance as count laszlo almasy , a victim of amnesia and horrible burns after world war ii in italy .
the story revolves around his past , in flashback form , making it even more confusing .
anyway , he is taken in by hana ( juliette binoche , the horseman on the roof ) , a boring war - torn nurse .
she was never really made into anything , until she met an indian towards the end , developing yet another sub - plot .
count almasy begins to remember what happened to him as it is explained by a stranger ( willem dafoe , basquiat ) .
his love ( kirstin scott thomas , mission impossible ) was severely injured in a plane crash , and eventually died in a cave .
he returned to find her dead and was heart - broken .
so he flew her dead body somewhere , but was shot down from the ground .
do n't get the wrong idea , it may sound good and the trailer may be tempting , but good is the last thing this film is .
maybe if it were an hour less , it may have been tolerable , but 2 hours and 40 minutes of talking is too much to handle .
the only redeeming qualities about this film are the fine acting of fiennes and dafoe and the beautiful desert cinematography .
other than these , the english patient is full of worthless scenes of boredom and
wastes entirely too much film . ,
Output: N
a pseudo - intellectual film about the pseudo - intellectual world of art magazines ,
high art is as wasted as its drug - addled protagonists .
in the only notable part of the movie , ally sheedy and radha mitchell deliver nice performances in the two leading roles , not that lisa cholodenko 's script or direction makes you care much about either character . living in a world of heroin induced highs , they float along until they fall in love with each other .
this uninviting picture , full of pretentious minor characters , has a receptionist that reads dostoevski and a woman in the restroom line who is a certified genius , having recently been awarded a prestigious mcarthur grant .
24-year - old syd ( radha mitchell ) , who has a rather bland , live - in boyfriend , was just promoted to assistant editor at the artistic photography magazine " frame .
"
although the receptionist is impressed , syd is mainly a gofer for her boss until she meets famous photographer lucy berliner ( ally sheedy ) . for her to do photos for " frame , " lucy demands that syd be promoted to editor and assigned to her since lucy fancies her .
lucy lives with her current lover , a washed up german actress named greta , played with a frequently indecipherable series of mumbles by patricia clarkson .
the two of them and their friends wile away their time snorting and shooting up dope , usually heroin .
this does not happen in a single episode , but becomes more commonplace than sleeping in the picture .
syd , who lives in the apartment below them , joins in on the fun and becomes a member of the zombie club .
lucy seems pretty happy with her life of drugs , which apparently is funded by her mother .
lucy quit working professionally 10 years ago since she thought she was being " pigeonholed , " and , since her mother has money , we can only assume that that 's how lucy supports her habit and procures her living expenses .
a typical scene has the editors arguing about whether a potential photographer 's work is transcendental or merely classical . that no one has a clue as to the dogma they are spouting becomes obvious but not particularly funny .
"
your work has a cultural currency that is important now , " is the artist - speak that the frame 's manager uses to convince lucy to show her pictures in the magazine .
when the big scene comes in which lucy puts the moves on syd , her idea of a romantic line is , " i want to get high with you .
" in lucy 's world , sex and drugs come hand - in - hand .
and the movie , except for the obligatory scene of someone almost overdosing , shows drug usage as being a hip and natural part of the art scene .
this vacuous picture throws in a standard downer ending
in an attempt to manipulate our emotions .
in another movie , it might have worked , but in this one the reaction is likely to be decidedly muted .
high art runs 1 : 36 .
it is rated r for explicit sex , pervasive drug use and language and is not appropriate for those younger than college age .
Output: N
" party camp , " is one of the most mindnumbingly brainless comedies i 've seen in awhile .
a late rip - off of the " meatballs " series , the film follows a group of young camp counselors at camp chipmunk .
that 's really about all that can be said about the " plot " because nothing much happens , except
that the main character , wise - cracking jerry ( andrew ross ) , has the hots for a cute blonde ( kerry brennan ) , and there is a big contest in the climax .
how fun !
since , " party camp , " has practically no screenplay and there is no talent at all involved , the least the makers could have done was make it raunchy and exploitative .
it 's not that i think exploitation is necessarily a good quality , but when you are talking about a dull turkey like this , the least that could have been done would be to fill it with a lot of mindless sex .
even a psychopathic slasher at the camp would have done the trick .
at least , then , it would n't have been such a chore to sit through .
never before have i seen so many jokes fall astoundingly flat .
the comedy was easy to spot , but it was n't the least bit funny .
it was groan - inducing .
constantly throghout , i was asking myself if director gary graver actually thought this movie was worth anything .
so what saves , " party camp , " from the dreaded zero star rating ?
well , that 's simple :
jewel shepard , as a flighty bimbo , was admittedly fun to watch .
although nothing could have saved this film from the lowest depths of motion picture trash , at least if the film had centered on shepard , she might have been able to add a little spice to an otherwise rancid , low - budget teen comedy .
Output: N
i 'm currently accepting all future names for drew barrymore characters .
in _ the wedding singer _ , she was julia gulia .
in _ never been kissed
_
, she 's josie grossie .
future db character names include : janet granite , janey grainy , and for that nc-17 project in the works , jo - jo . . .
aw forget it .
i 'll stick to my day job .
this is a teen movie , all right , except the main characters are n't teens .
drew barrymore is a copy editor at the chicago sun times who gets her big break as a reporter , only it 's very clear from the onset that she lacks the toughness and the pushy extravertedness that marks the best of reporters .
the story she 's covering is not really a story , but a story in the making .
she is to return to high school as a student and explain what 's really going on .
the irony is that drew 's character , was such a dweeb first time around , that she is terrified at going back .
when she does , she says the wrong things , wears the wrong clothes , and projects the " i know the answer " in class that popular kids ( or at least popular kids in the movies ) reject .
at least she befriends nerdy aldys ( joan of arc 's leelee sobieski -- watch for her ) , who turns out to be more beautiful than those who are " supposed " to be more beautiful than her .
what works : drew 's geeky old - self .
after a start in films that was headline driven , and a nadir of roles that had her play the sluttish character , it 's a surprise to see her with bad hair , big glasses and braces .
it 's very funny .
what does n't work :
drew 's geeky new - self . come on .
nobody dresses as bad as she does .
could n't she just go to _ the gap _ and take suggestions ?
had she dressed like princess leia it would have been better .
the comedy is supposed to progress when drew 's younger brother ( played with zest by david arquette ) reenlists to jump - start his baseball career .
now , how in the world can somebody as nerdy ( but in a funny way ) as he can be the most popular kid in the school .
.
. in a day ? ! the dialogue in the film is , well , an embarrassment .
her co - workers ( molly shannon , john c . reilly and gary marshall ) are in terminal hyper - drive .
her teenage peers ( except sobieski ) are so inept and stupid that there 's little bite from them .
could n't the filmmakers watch _ heathers
_ first ?
lastly , i am proud to say that i caught a significant gaffe in the film .
if you see the film , you 'd know what i 'm talking about : drew walks into a bar , has her hand stamped , and over the night associates with some rastafarians with some delicious , um , cake .
she goes wild , sleeps in late .
when she wakes , she rushes off to school , without showering , without noticing that her head , lying on her stamped hand all night , has transferred part of the stamp 's image to her forehead , spelling " loser " .
funny , eh ? . . .
except that the hand would have transferred that image backwords .
Output: N
sydney lumet is the director whose work happens to be of varied quality .
he is praised for some of the most important films of the previous decades , like twelve angry men , serpico or the verdict .
but , in the same time , almost any of such pearls is followed by stinkers
that hamper lumet 's reputation .
a stranger among us , 1992 rip - off of peter weir 's witness , belongs to the latter category .
the heroine of this movie is emily eden ( melanie griffith ) , tough lady cop who sometimes shows too much enthusiasm in battling bad guys on the streets of new york .
during one of such actions , her partner nick ( jamey sheridan ) got hurt and as a result , she becomes depressed .
in order to help her recover , bosses give her rather easy task of locating missing jeweller who belonged to hassidic jew community .
emily starts investigation and soon realises that the case involves murder .
concluding that the perpetrator belongs to community , she decides to go undercover .
that is n't easy , because her modern manners are colliding with traditionalist ways .
things get even more complicated when she develops feelings for young cabalistic scholar ariel ( eric thal ) . using peter weir 's formula is n't the greatest flaw of this film .
even the lame and unispiring crime mystery subplot works to the certain extent .
but the worst insult
to viewer 's audience is terrible miscasting of melanie griffith .
the author of this review never liked this actress very much , but she was at least tolerable in some of her roles .
role of emily eden , unfortunately , is n't one of them .
first of all , she ca n't pass for tough nypd street fighter , and her attempt to pass for orthodox jewish woman is n't much better .
screenplay by robert j .
avrech makes things even worse with some formulaic red herring subplots ( scene involving two italian gangsters was almost too painful to watch ) .
but , on the other hand , other actors are more convincing ( lee richardson as an old rabbi , thal as ariel and charming mia sara as his intended bride ) , and the photography by andrzej bartkowiak very effectively creates atmosphere of warmth when the scenes take place in hassidic community .
also , the film might educate viewers about hassidic culture .
that is the only thing that prevents it from turning into total waste of time .
Output: N
my giant is two movies for the price of one , but neither is worth the cost of admission , even if you get in free .
as lamely directed by michael lehmann , the picture tries to be a comedy by using and reusing every giant joke in the book .
( " without goliath , david is just some punk throwing rocks . " )
languidly paced throughout , the movie becomes increasingly lugubrious
as the screenplay by david seltzer ( the omen ) meanders toward its sad ending .
since it 's rarely funny or convincingly dramatic , what the filmmakers thought they were doing remains a mystery .
other than a few nice visuals , there 's nothing to recommend the picture .
with great film comedies under his belt from when harry met sally ?
to the original city slickers , billy crystal has shown that he 's more than the world 's best oscar host .
he does , however , have a propensity for choosing hopeless material
as in last year 's father 's day and this year 's my giant .
one wonders if he reads the script before agreeing to go ahead with a project .
surely reading the one for my giant would have shown that there was nothing there .
perhaps he thought he could ad lib it into success .
or maybe he wants to be a dramatic actor and thought he could do something serious with the movie 's somber tone .
the most charitable thing that could be said about it is that it is so ineffectual that people will probably forget
they saw it by the next day .
this one - joke movie 's single idea is to place real - life basketball player gheorghe muresan , who stands seven and a half feet tall , into as many visually striking situations as possible .
sammy ( crystal ) , an agent currently without clients , is rescued after a car accident by a sweet romanian giant named max ( muresan ) .
after throwing out constant one - liners ( " either god is in the salvage business or big foot just took my car . " ) , sammy decides to get serious , seeing max as his meal ticket .
and although he does n't like it , he 's willing to sign max up to do disgusting events like a wrestling match with a half - dozen dwarfs .
( the movie itself knows no bounds as
it contains one of the most putrid and lengthy vomiting scenes ever . )
after a series of missed opportunities , the comedic part of the movie is over , and it turns into a cheap and maudlin disease movie .
we learn that max 's condition is terminal , and he will soon die . to be fair , the movie does contain a few good scenes - all of which you can see in the trailers .
let 's hope billy gets himself a pair of reading glasses before he signs up for another movie .
my giant runs too long even at just 1 : 37 .
it is rated pg for violence and profanity and would be acceptable for kids around ten and up .
my son jeffrey and his friend matthew , both 9 , gave the movie a single star and had nothing good to say about it .
matthew pointed out that it " is not as good as it could have been or should have been .
"
( amen . )
he went on to comment that he did not like the way the movie changed completely in the middle .
jeffrey complained particularly about how gross the movie was .
Output: N
talk about a movie that seemed dated before it even hit the theaters !
spice world is the feature film debut of the pre - fabricated pop band , the spice girls .
it 's intended as a sort of hard day 's night , but ends up simply hard to watch .
when watching the spice girls , i 'm reminded of an old saturday morning cartoon trick ( such as from the smurfs , the snorks , or teenage mutant ninja turtles ) in which identically animated creatures are differentiated into characters merely by one personality quirk and a different name .
the spice girls are themselves as interchangable as pringles , and about as talented .
there 's ginger ( geri halliwell ) , the brainy one , sporty ( melanie chisholm ) , the athletic one , baby ( emma bunton ) , the childish one , posh ( victoria adams ) , the fashion - conscious one , and scary ( melanie brown ) , the one with a tongue pierced back
so far you 're almost certain the post sticks out her throat .
the film itself does n't really have a plot .
it follows the girls as they travel here and there , culminating at their " first live performance " at albert hall .
the action , however , seems more like a hodgepodge of mismatched ideas .
the various misfires include : an alien encounter , a fiendish tabloid editor scheming to wreck the spice girls , the shooting of a spice girls documentary , a movie producer ( george wendt ) trying to pitch various ideas for a spice girls movie ( nearly all of which , though incredibly far fetched , seem more plausible than the mess with which they ended up ) , a meeting with a pregnant friend ( whose sole purpose seems to be to maintain the film maxim that all pregnant characters must give birth before the movie ends ) , a boating adventure , a bus race , club - hopping ( wherein apparently no one notices the famous spice girls among the crowd . . .
even when they start to sing ) , and an assorted number of musical performances , press conferences , and general all - around celebrity stuff .
whew .
for some reason , the film is littered with star cameos .
from elton john to elvis costello , from bob hoskins to meat loaf .
heck , even roger moore shows up , though he ca n't decide if he 's parodying himself as james bond , or if he 's lobbying to be the reincarnation of ernst stavro blofeld .
richard e .
grant has the largest secondary part ,
a thankless role of the band 's manager , clifford .
the celebrity spotting is partially amusing , and a decent way to pass the time when confronted with the rest of the film .
neither amusing or spontaneous , when the spice girls are between songs
they are deadly boring .
their songs are alright , but they play like lifeless adaptations of the music videos .
my advice to fans is : stay home and watch that video collection , or at least spin that cd a couple of more times . . .
either option will be more enjoyable than the film .
non - fans should know to stay well away from this one .
Output: N