niryuu/sni-each-converted huggingface dataset:
mr .
bean ,
a bumbling security guard from england is sent to la to help with the grandiose homecoming of a masterpiece american painting .
the first two words should have said enough to let you know what occurs during bean 's trip to la , but if they did n't look out because you are in for a rather interesting if not odd ride .
heck depending on your humor you might end up laughing through the whole flick .
either way look out america bean is coming .
well , what can really be said about this movie ,
there is very little discernible plot .
that much is not hard to grapple with for it is a slapstick comedy .
it achieves that goal rather admirably , but because it is that , the plot is just screaming for help .
the whole premise that the movie is based on is to say the least flawed .
the movie had its funny moments but there was no real story line other than something that could be thought up on a whim and carried through and in many causes ad - libbed as you went .
do n't go into this movie expecting and theatrical masterpiece .
but if this form of humor floats your boat then you will truly enjoy this movie , even if you do n't like slapstick style humor you will end up laughing because something 's are just so stupid .
the movie goes out and accomplishes what it aims , or so it seems .
now when you look at the acting in this movie you have to think about two things , first was there any real acting and
how hard is it to act in the slapstick manner .
well , there was no real acting in this movie but some of the slapstick was n't the easiest i am sure .
i have to concede that mr .
atkinson 's acting in this movie is well done .
although the role is n't too demanding the slapstick is .
i think that the character could have had a bit more dialogue , it would have added quite a bit to the overall effect of the movie .
now the rest of the actors in the movie , bad acting and poor casting .
i think that the role opposite bean could have been better , just seemed wrong for the movie .
a different actor might have done a better job of it
but i wo nt presume that was n't what was trying to be achieved .
one thing that i must say , simply to get if off my chest is that i think transferring a sitcom to tv usually produces rather disastrous results .
tv shows should do just that stay on tv , it will probably save some producers from getting ulcers .
i can only think of a couple examples of tv going to the big screen effectively , the best known of those would have to be star trek .
bean seriously fails to accomplish anything close to what that series gone movie achieved .
now another thing that i have to state again is this movie has narrowed its target audience fairly tightly .
the form of humor in this movie will not be liked by most people , these people will think like i did that
this movie is stupid and pointless .
but if you like the tv show you might actually like this movie .
but to be on the safe side
i am opting to recommend you save your money and not go to see this movie
.
there are many movies that are truly worth seeing unlike this one .
Output: N
according to hitchcock and various other filmmakers , isolated motels , diners , gas stations and similar establishments in american southwest can be rather dangerous place for weary travellers .
at the beginning of eye of the storm , 1991 german-
american thriller directed by yuri zeltser , one of such places becomes deadly for their owners who get murdered during the stick up .
ten years later their son steven ( played by bradley gregg ) , who was blinded during the incident , still runs motel together with his older brother ray ( played by craig sheffer ) .
hardly anything happens there until alcoholic and abusive william gladstone ( played by dennis hopper ) gets stranded there with his attractive wife sandra ( played by lara flynn boyle ) .
their unexpected presence creates the chain of the events that would end in bloodshed .
yuri zeltser , author of this film , was obviously inspired by hitchcock 's psycho , but he chose to add some new and potentially interesting elements to the original plot .
instead of norman bates we have two brothers - one of them traumatised physically , another mentally .
sexual tension between beautiful female patron and shy motel clerk is heightened with the presence of alcoholic husband .
eye of the storm is impressive in visual sense , with photography by karl walter lindenlaub providing a lot of claustrophobic atmosphere .
the acting is fine - hopper , gregg and boyle are comfortable with their roles , but sheffer at times overacts his psycho routine .
unfortunately , eye of the storm , which was supposed to be intense psychological drama , deteriorates into cheap and predictable slasher flick during melodramatic finale .
in the end , this film reminds us that original approach ca n't prevent filmmakers from wasting too many opportunities .
( special note to the profiler fans : ally walker appears in the beginning of the film in the small role of killer 's girlfriend . )
Output: N
if you 've been following william fichtner 's career ( and there 's absolutely no reason why you should have ) , you might have noticed that he 's played some rather similar roles over the years .
like sully in " the perfect storm " --tough , gruff , and a little bit scary .
or law in " albino alligator " --tough , gruff , and little bit scarier .
or colonel william
sharp in " armageddon , " or dwayne engelman in " strange days , " or even his brief appearance towards the beginning of " pearl harbor , " as the abusive father of danny -- here is an actor who gravitates towards tough , gruff , hard - hitting roles .
which is why his performance in " what 's the worst that could happen ?
" is such a shock , such a delight .
in the film , fichtner plays a blonde haired , meticulously dressed , overtly effeminate , dog - loving detective . as alex tardio , fichtner 's performance borders on caricature but goes beyond it .
it borders on offensive but does n't really manage it .
and it borders on clich ?
d stereotype but
does n't quite succumb to that definition either .
in a role so diametrically opposed to what the actor has played before we should have seen it coming , fichtner is n't perfect -- you can see him struggling a little at times , concentrating a little too hard on the look as he swishes his hand through the air , or nuzzles a coiffed canine up close and personal -- but he 's pretty damned good , and silly , and without question the best thing in the film .
in fact , had it not been for fitchner 's sudden and bizarre appearance , and his jarring screen presence thereafter , i would have walked out , for " what 's the worst that could happen ?
" is mesmerizing in its awfulness , a poorly written , haphazardly edited , and totally unfunny
( yes , it stars martin lawrence and danny devito
so how could that be possible ? )
moviegoing experience .
fichtner 's performance does n't exactly save the film , and it 's not like i 'm recommending " what 's the worst that could happen ? " solely on the strength of the actor 's dramatic turnaround , but his contributions do raise the film 's rating from no stars to one - and - a - half .
thumbs up to fichtner then , and thumbs down -- way , way , down -- to everyone else involved in this sorry mess , a movie
so dull and pedestrian and nonsensical
it does n't even warrant discussion .
Output: N
for his directoral debut , gary oldman chose a highly personal family drama about a violent , alcoholic husband and father , and the various lives he affects .
but while the characters , places and events may have special meaning to the writer - director , the audience is left in the dark .
the center of this tale is the abusive raymond ( ray winstone ) , and the film focuses on him and the people who orbit around him .
he spends his days hanging out with his friends at pubs and girlie bars .
then , he returns home to his pregnant wife , valerie ( kathy burke ) and their five - year - old daughter .
raymond demonstrates his violent tendencies ( and his paranoid delusions ) early on when he accuses valerie 's brother , billy ( charlie creed - miles ) , of stealing .
raymond then proceed to beat ( and bite )
him to a bloody wreck .
but these are the least of billy 's problems .
billy is a heroin addict on the downturn , and it does n't seem that he 'll last much longer .
billy and valerie 's mother , janet ( laila morse ) , is raymond 's nemesis .
she disapproves of him ( and he of her ) , but is powerless to do anything about it .
she merely struggles on , hoping her children will survive their respective torments .
if this description seems bleak , i have n't told the half of it .
this is not a cheery movie , and most of the time
it 's downright depressing .
while at times it is interesting to watch to see just what makes raymond tick , and why no one ever simply calls the cops on him , in the end ,
it 's not quite worth it .
there are too many scenes which randomly dot the picture with little or no purpose .
take for example the extended sequence where one of billy 's scuzzy friends defends a stray puppy .
the film is filled with these " character moments " that never really achieve anything .
granted , there are a few genuinely powerful ( and sickening ) moments in the film , but their expression seems to be more of a catharsis for the creator than us .
the actors do a fine job , particularly in the central roles .
the good thing about an actor turned writer is that oldman knows how to write good scenes , and the actors in nil by mouth have some meat they can tear into .
the bad thing about an actor turned director is that there 's no one to restrain oldman from making poor choices .
a good character drama should mean something to those involved in making the film and the audience .
oldman got it about half right .
Output: N
in 1989 , tim burton took the legendary comic book figure of batman and turned him into a huge box office hit with an atmospheric little film that created an utterly distinct feeling somewhere between film noir and the godfather .
was it " deep " ?
nope .
however it was a perfect entertainment and the audience ate it up .
it was natural that roger ebert trashed it writing that it was " without the comic book uplift " of the indiana jones and superman pictures .
which was true .
if what you were looking for was the tale of a heroic man 's escadapes and adventures you were looking in the wrong place .
if those films were tom sawyer , then batman was huckleberry finn .
some critics ( glenn lovell of the san jose mercury news and peter travers of rolling stone ) realized that it was something special ;
mr . lovell gave it
*
* * 1/2 and wrote that " this is batman as batman should be .
" ; mr .
travers called it one of the ten best films of the year .
the praise was deserved - from start to finish the film was enthralling , exciting , and superb in every respect .
there was no doubt that there would be a sequel directed by burton .
the result was batman returns which forgets that it wants to be fun within the first five minutes .
the villains ( the hideous penguin and seductive catwoman ) take over , and our epectations are always left unfulfilled - when we wanted the penguin to bite off batman 's nose he simply gets mad , and when we want catwoman to slither over batman 's body she gets pushed off a building .
i admire mr .
burton for trying to do more then entertain , but
the result is a mess .
nothing works out as planned - it fails both to entertain and to enlighten .
hints are made to the audience that this film could be a blast .
alas
, these are only hints .
there are , do n't misunderstand me , several moments of cinematic genuis contained ; catwoman and batman understand eachother perfectly without a word on the subject being said ; christopher lloyd is trapped , by the penguin , within a giant cage ; a small basket is dropped into a large river ; but nothing is drawn together and burton is unable to make the film work on any regular basis .
a weak followup , both career and sequel wise , batman returns is sometimes dazzling , but to often dissapointing .
Output: N
stephen , please post if appropriate .
" mafia ! "
- crime is n't a funny business by homer yen ( c ) 1998 on a particular night when i found myself having some free time , i had a chance to either go to sleep early or to see " mafia ! " , a spoof of mafia and crime films such as " the godfather , " " goodfellas " and " casino " .
at 84 minutes in length , i thought that i could enjoy a few laughs before getting a good nights sleep .
but by my account , i think that my laff - o - meter only registered a few grins , one giggle , and maybe one chortle .
i suppose that you could justify your time as homage to the venerable hollywood star , lloyd bridges , who just recently passed away and whose last performance was in this film .
" mafia !
" chronicles vincenzo cortino 's ( lloyd bridges ) life . separated from his family when he was young , he escapes to america and tries to live an honest life .
but as fate would have it , vincenzo grows up to be a powerful and klutzy crime lord .
following in his footsteps are his two sons , joey ( billy burke ) and anthony ( jay mohr ) .
like all siblings in powerful crime families , they squabble over power , the future of the family , fortune , and women .
" mafia !
" is co - written by jim abrahams , who also contributed to some gut - busting funny spoofs such as " airplane " and " the naked gun .
"
but these previous movies were funny because the jokes seemed more universally understood and there was more of a manic silliness at work .
as i write this , i also wonder how many people have actually seen the movies on which this spoof is based .
crime movies in general contain a lot of profanity and violence .
it 's a tough genre to parody .
i was kind of hoping that they could somehow spoof the profanity used in all of those crime movies , maybe by having all of the tough crime lords say " please " as they decide which sector to take over , but this opportunity was never explored .
there were one or two moments that made me smile such as the scene where vincenzo is dancing with his newly we d daughter - in - law .
a gunman shoots him several times .
the impact of the bullets cause him to make these wild contortions that force the wedding band to change music styles to keep up with him , from the samba to disco to the macarena .
i think that i just gave away the best part of the film .
oh well , that just means that you can go to sleep a little earlier .
Output: N
die hard 2 is an altogether unfortunate fiasco , inferior to the original in every respect .
place the blame squarely on the shoulders of steven de souza and doug richardson , who wrote the film 's pathetic screenplay .
every line of dialogue reeks of either smarmy sap or forced humor .
the plot is altogether implausible ; the convoluted story line involves a band of terrorists who take over dulles airport and shut down the control tower , leaving a dozen planes stranded in the air waiting to land .
the film has zero credibility , and all of the characters come off as cliched , cardboard cut - outs .
so much for the script .
how about the action ?
well , let 's put it this way : director renny harlin could learn a few things from john mctiernan , who directed the original , as well as the hunt for red october and predator --
all standouts for their hair - raising suspense .
by contrast , harlin does n't have a clue when it comes to choreographing action , and consequently , die hard 2 never picks up steam .
die harder is impossible to take seriously even for a minute .
in fact , the movie often seems deliberately campy , and it almost reaches the threshold of being so bad
it 's good .
you do laugh , but you laugh at the film , not with it .
die hard 2 should have never been cleared for takeoff .
Output: N
plot : set in the future , a courier has uploaded some data into a " hard drive " that resides in his head , and must now escape the bad guys who are after that very important information . since he overloaded his " hard drive " , he 's also racing against the clock before the information seeps into his brain and kills him .
critique : incoherent , boring , one - act drivel with no suspense , horribly unbelievable futuristic environment , bad dialogue , career - defining bad acting by keanu reeves and a hilarious ending .
it 's too bad because the premise of the film was interesting , but unfortunately for my friends and i , this movie turned out to be just as bad as everyone had warned us .
it 's one of those films that makes you start laughing half - way through , when you realize that most of the actors in it suck , the location shots are filmed in dark " junkyard " type areas which they would like to have us believe to be futuristic ( whatever . . . ) , and all the sets look like . . . .
well , sets .
there is also absolutely no arc to this story .
it basically starts off with keanu uploading info into his brain , and then a bunch of folks chasing him from place to place until a laughable ending puts a stop to the former uneventful proceedings .
gibson should stick to writing novels and " x - files " episodes , since his segue into the paranormal tv series was much more entertaining than any of this garbage .
some other hilarities of this film include dolph lundgren as some futuristic jesus character whose supposed to kick ass , henry rollins as a pumped - up cyber - doctor or something , and ice - t
as some kind of a hobo dude with paint all over his face ( do n't ask ) .
the ending is the funniest with some robot dolphin and a stupid ghost - lady
from inside the computer doing some stuff that no one really cares about by that point .
i 'm ashamed to say this film was shot in my hometown of montreal , canada , but sadly enough for us all , it was .
some of the cyber - travelling special effects were okay ( hence , the 2/10 ) , but overall , it 's one of those bad movies that 's just funny to watch and cringe at
.
thankfully for keanu , he redeemed his sci - fi career with 1999 's the matrix ( 7 . 5/10 ) .
it 's too bad that he has yet to redeem his lack of acting talent .
little known facts about this film and its stars : as of 1999 , director robert longo never directed another full - feature film .
hmmm .
. . now is n't that odd ? : )
writer william gibson immigrated from the us to canada in 1968 , after being rejected for the draft .
he lived in toronto at first , but since 1972 , has made vancouver his home .
his 1984 novel " neuromancer " and its sequels 1986 's " count zero " and 1988 's " mona lisa overdrive " are generally considered to be the definitive works of the " cyberpunk " science - fiction sub - genre .
this film garnered keanu reeves a nomination in the " worst actor " category in the 1996 razzie awards .
Output: N
"
the 13th warrior " comes at the end of as summer where we 've already experienced man eating sharks ( " deep blue sea " ) , man eating crocodiles ( " lake placid " ) and even a man hunting witch ( " the blair witch project " ) .
now , " the 13th warrior " presents a tribe of flesh eating men who believe that they are bears .
the story , if that 's what you want to call it , follows ahmed ibn fahdlan ( antonio banderas ) an arabian poet who falls in love with his king 's wife and is banished from his home land .
he then travels to the land of the vikings and becomes an ambassador to them .
eventually the vikings are called upon to protect the people of the village who are being hunted by the flesh eating men .
thirteen warriors are chosen to go on the mission , and as you guessed it , ahmed is chosen as the thirteenth .
he 's not a warrior , and at first not well accepted by the vikings , but as the movie advances he 'll have to prove himself both on and off the battlefield .
that 's basically the entire plot .
there is also a romantic subplot that has been so badly mishandled and , one assumes , drastically cut that you begin to wonder why the filmmakers did n't just edit out all of the scenes attaining to that part of the story .
instead they chose to leave just enough of those scenes in to annoy the viewer .
the film is basically non- stop action and when it pauses and tries to develop a story
it becomes a laughing stock .
the battle scenes , although well choreographed , are not involving and not the least bit exciting .
we do n't get to know any of the characters
and so we do n't care who lives and who dies .
the film , which wants to be beowolf , comes across more as a failed action - adventure story aspiring to epic proportions but not achieving it on any levels .
it was directed by john mctiernan who 's , " the thomas crown affair " is also playing in theaters currently .
and it 's not that mctiernan worked simultaneously on both films but that , " the 13th warrior " was placed on the shelf for so long with the studio just waiting for a time to dump it on audiences .
it belongs back on the shelf .
Output: N
we 're back in blade runner territory with this one , conceptual artist robert longo 's vision of a william gibson - inspired future where information is the commodity to kill for .
front and center is johnny ( keanu reeves ) , a " cyber - courier " who smuggles data via a " wet - wired " implant .
he 's ready to quit the biz and get a portion of his long - term memory restored , but , first , he has to finish one last , dangerous job . .
the pressing problem in johnny mnemonic is that keanu reeves seems to have forgotten how to play an action hero since his stint on speed .
he 's walking wood in a forest of stiffs that includes henry rollins , ice - t , and dina meyer .
( dolph lundgren 's street preacher is in an acting category all its own .
: - ) without a believable performance between them , all we can do is sit back and watch the atmosphere , which is pretty good in places .
the vr sequences are way cool , but the physical fx -- such as miniatures and mattes -- leave a lot to be desired .
watch out for those bad blue - screens !
we would n't mind a minute of johnny mnemonic if the action played better .
too bad the debut director is n't very strong in this de- partment .
his big finale is a sloppy , silly mess that runs twenty minutes too long , which is way past the time that most of our " wet- wired " processors have already shut down .
bottom line : yatf ( yet another tortured future ) . skip it .
Output: N
it 's difficult to expect much from a director whose greatest accomplishments to date are a handful of " award - winning " tv commercials , as is the case with bubble boy director blair hayes .
that said , hayes 's feature film debut lives up to expectations , coming off mainly as equal parts offensive and moronic .
but occasionally , bubble boy transcends its substandard roots with glimmers of humor and scathing social commentary .
those moments of intelligence are delivered mostly by the film 's two stars , jake gyllenhall as the immuno - deficient jimmy and swoosie kurtz as his over - protective , hyper religious , reagan - loving mother .
gyllenhall 's sweet - natured delivery of jimmy 's hilariously na ?
ve narration serves as the backbone for an otherwise flimsy coming - of - age story :
jimmy is a bubble boy , a kid born without immunity who could die if he comes in contact with a single germ -- a plight explored more seriously in the john travolta tv movie boy in the plastic bubble and less so on seinfeld .
his mom home - schools jimmy , filling his head with wildly twisted conservative propaganda and anti - sexual messages , until he 's befriended by chloe ( marley shelton ) , the beautiful girl next door .
jimmy falls in love with chloe , but is afraid that his love will literally kill him , as evidenced in a scene when she drunkenly tries to enter his bubble for a kiss .
but when chloe decides to marry her high school boyfriend , jimmy builds a bubble suit and embarks on a hijinks - addled cross - country voyage to stop the wedding by professing his love .
the offensive bits have little to do with jimmy 's rare handicap ( regardless of what the film 's protesters would have you believe ) , but instead center on
outrageous racial stereotypes , including a screaming chinese strip club owner and a devout east indian hindi .
but even if you find stereotype humor funny , it 's hard to muster more than a giggle for these shallow gags .
they even manage to bungle some potentially great moments with a group of carnival freaks .
but a few of the harsh jabs manage to work , especially in the case of kurtz , who very bluntly shows the dark , hypocritical side of the religious right , and a wacky send - up of a cult called " bright ' n
shiny , " led by the inimitable fabio . unfortunately ,
a few giggles ca n't make bubble boy the riotous , off - the - wall comedy it so desperately wants to be . honestly ,
it 's a mystery how on earth this movie was ever made , and i 'm not just saying that because it 's so mediocre . how odd for disney to take a gamble on a film with an unknown director starring virtually unknown actors that does n't seem to appeal to any particular demographic and
has the potential to offend so many .
and now that the studio is suffering through a very public protest against the film by the parents of real - life bubble boy david philip vetter , maybe disney 's wondering the same thing .
hope the opening box office take makes it worthwhile .
Output: N
starring shawnee smith ; donovan leitch ; ricky paull goldin ; kevin dillon & billy beck the blob is the remake of the 1960 's classic ( a term that i use very loosely to define the original ) about a really mean glob of goop that takes out anything that gets in its way .
now the original version has the virtue of cheesy special effects which give it a kind of nostalgic campy feel .
the fact that steve mcqueen was the star of the film does n't exactly hurt it either .
fast forward to the late ' 80 's .
steve mcqueen is n't in the remake ( this might have something to do with the fact that he had been pushing up daisies for years ) .
nor is there any hollywood heavy hitters in the lead role .
that is unless you count matt dillon 's brother kevin as a hollywood heavy hitter .
the other thing that works against this new blob is that special effects technology has improved dramatically since the original .
the only things you need now to have great special effects in a movie are deep pockets .
it looks as if the produces of the new blob had a couple of holes in their pockets .
the special effects in this movie are cheesy , like the original 's .
unlike the original , they do n't look campy , they just look cheap .
one bright spot in the movie from a purely sexist point of view is shawnee smith .
she is very attractive and can actually act , which is more than i can say about some of her costars .
in terms of plot , a little ball of pink goop falls from the sky .
seems this goop was an experiment that was being housed up on a satellite .
anyway , the pink stuff has a taste for humans .
the more people it absorbs , the bigger it gets .
and it is n't the friendliest goop on the block either .
anyway , it attacks this little town and it 's up to the attractive local teenage population to stop it .
not really , but that is how it seems .
this version attempts to recapture the camp of the original .
as i 've already said , this new version of the blob comes off more as cheap , badly acted , and badly written than campy .
in the years since this film was made none of the cast have gone on to greatness .
although , star shawnee smith had a very tiny role in armageddon .
the reason that we have never heard of any of them again is quite simple --
they all stunk out loud .
although some of the film 's smaller roles are filled with some actors that , while not big stars , are doubtless people that you will recognize from their supporting roles in other movies and tv shows .
it also appears that the producers of the blob tried to compensate for the lack of a special effects budget by making the scenes in which the blob makes meals of the townsfolk as gory as possible .
sadly , it does n't work very well . if you want to see a big ball of goop terrorize a town , then i would say that you should skip the remake and rent the original .
( although that is n't so hot either . ) this newest version is seriously lacking in any redeeming qualities .
Output: N
toward the bottom of the ' 80s action movie barrel lies action jackson , the only movie in hollywood history to show sharon stone and vanity topless within a span of ten minutes .
this carl " apollo creed
" weathers vehicle features the traditional cop vs .
evil establishment crook , and relies on all the ' 80s trappings , from the token heroin addict who needs a fix to the shouting superior officer .
somewhere in between come the explosions and boobs , although there is a curious lack of exploding boobs .
weathers is action jackson , a detroit cop known for all sorts of crazy vigilante techniques .
speaking of one past criminal apprehension , jackson 's superior yells , " you tore his arm off !
" jackson replies , " he had a spare .
"
jackson has been busted down to a desk job because of past problems with auto manufacturer dellaplane ( craig t . nelson ) and now has to act as department liaison to a dinner honoring nelson .
after hearing what jackson thinks of him , stone says , " i take it
you 're not one of dellaplane 's friends . "
" not unless they changed the definition , " jackson glowers .
and of course it turns out stone is mrs .
dellaplane .
faux pas , jackson . .
.
not everything is happy in motown ; people are being killed and dellaplane has evil plans for the awa .
it 's all up to jackson to stop it , and his only lead lies in vanity ( not his own ) .
wherever she left off with prince in terms of exchanging sexual favors for career advancement she picks up in action jackson .
she plays the heroin addict and chanteuse in dellaplane 's nightclub .
after singing one particularly sultry number for him , she saunters over and complains , " i expected a standing ovation .
"
he responds , " you 're getting one , " and it 's damn clever because he 's sitting down at the time .
prince would n't even let out an innuendo that lame
and he 's the king of the horndogs .
. .
or at least the prince .
it 's a testament to the ' 80s that sharon stone is killed off within the first 30 minutes but vanity survives the whole movie .
action jackson is another variation on the " unlikely partners " buddy action flick , with jackson lugging junkie vanity around .
this leads to some of the worst paired acting of the me decade , and with the dialogue they 're given , there 's not much room for improvement .
my favorite is when vanity , feeling the effects of drug withdrawal , says , " i feel like my teeth are hollow , my gums are made of dry rubber and someone 's trying to start a bonfire in the back of my bloody head .
"
jackson 's response is , " i think i felt that way once .
they called it love .
"
you 'll understand when i say watch this at your own risk . serving the world for nearly 1/25th of a century !
Output: N
if anyone had been able in 1983 to forsee a late - night cable show hosted by gilbert gottfried showcasing some of the worst films of the 80 's , they 'd agree d .
c .
cab is the quintessential " usa up all nite " movie .
it 's one of those childish r - rated movies that kids would love but ca n't see until it 's edited for tv .
it 's also one of those pointless , almost plotless movies with hardly any laughs .
and , strike three , it pairs mr .
t with gary busey .
i heard gilbert say d .
c .
cab had " an all - star cast , " but
i 'm still hoping there was some degree of facetiousness in that statement .
when third - billing goes to a two - minute appearance by famed flashdancer irene cara " as herself , " you ca n't say a damn thing about all - star casts .
likewise for token appearances by marsha " roz " warfield , paul rodriguez and
" politically incorrect " host bill maher , before he was somebody .
appearing in d .
c .
cab pretty much had the opposite effect on everyone else , especially irene
" i 'm gon na live forever " cara .
d .
c .
cab is an ensemble comedy from joel schumacher ( who would go on to direct batman forever ) about a bunch of misfits who drive cabs .
you get the feeling if the police academy cadets had made a different career choice , this would be the result , except here you have such interesting characters as the " token white guy " ( busey ) who wants to get in tight with the blacks now before they take over the world , the token jive talker named tyrone ( charlie barnett ) who wears his hair in rollers and uses the word " honkey " as much as possible , the tough guy with the mohawk and gold chains ( mr .
t -- a real stretch for him )
, the aspiring musician waiting for his big break ( maher ) , the mexican gigolo ( rodriguez ) , the woman who actually wants to drive cabs for a living ( warfield ) and the guy who wants to own a cab company for a living ( adam baldwin ) .
we 've all seen dozens of bad comedies from the 80 's .
some are fun to watch and some are actually funny .
this one is more or less neither .
you 'd think plenty of comedic sparks would fly from the assemblage of talent ( whatever ) , but d .
c .
cab more or less
falls flat on a continual basis , culminating in the usual contrived hollywood finale as baldwin is kidnapped and the other cabbies have to go to rescue him .
it 's a shame
no one was able to rescue this movie from the depths of stale jokes and unoriginality .
d .
c .
cab has rightly earned its position on " usa up all nite . "
Output: N
the best thing about , " lake placid " is that it 's only 80 minutes long and when it 's over
you 're glad that you did n't waste more than an hour and a half of your time
.
it 's nothing more than a bad rip - off of , " jaws
" ( and i think that 's being kind . )
it was written by david e .
kelly ( " ally mcbeal " ) as a horror - comedy but
fails at both , miserably
.
i was never scared and i think that i only laughed once .
the crocodile even fails in comparison to the snake in , " anaconda .
"
the plot begins when a man is eaten in half by the giant crocodile in black lake in maine .
that brings the local sheriff ( brendan gleeson ) and a fish - and - game warden ( bill pulman ) to investigate .
also , a paleontologist ( bridget fonda ) from new york is sent to look at a tooth and an eccentric millionaire / crocodile lover ( oliver platt )
flies in because he wants to swim beside the beast .
soon there is tension between everybody because half the people want to kill the croc and the other half want to save it .
there 's also an eccentric old lady ( betty white ) who lives by the lake and has a few secrets .
as i mentioned before kelley and director steve
minor ( h20 ) do n't go for a serious approach towards the material but
they also do n't have anything sly or satirical or witty to say either .
the betty white character is completely unfunny and none of the other characters are really that interesting
, they 're all basically idiots .
if they had any brains the croc would n't have been that much of a challenge to catch
and they would n't have put themselves in half of the situations that they did .
but then again , if they were smart there would n't be a movie .
basically , " lake placid " is best undiscovered .
Output: N
that is , unless you 're one of those people who have seen the preview a thousand times on tv or in the theaters .
i can tell you one thing now : they gave the entire movie away .
why someone would want to base an entire movie on one premise and then give that crucial detail away in the trailers is beyond me .
however , if they * had n't * given it away , the film would 've still been suprisingly devoid of suspense
given its subject matter .
obviously , the producers thought they could remake " the deep end of the ocean , " throw in tommy lee jones and a couple of cliches and call it an action drama .
" double jeopardy " offers solid acting from ashley judd and tommy lee jones , who got first billing even though he did n't see to be on screen half as much as judd did .
it also offers some genuinely funny , clever , or full - of - tension moments ( my favorite : judd waking up in the coffin ) , but none of that can salvage the film from its insanely predictable plot .
half the time i 'm wondering whether i 'm watching one of those overhyped tv miniseries , which always turn out to be less exciting than advertised .
judging by the beginning , end , and a huge chunk of the middle , i might have been watching a special hallmark presentation too .
the movie 's stretching for an almost two hour long film with only 30 minutes worth of material . implausible material , no less . loose interpretation of one of the amendments aside , too many times in the movie i thought , " that is * not * possible
* .
" that kind of stuff is excusable in popcorn movies , but not one like " double jeopardy " that tries to pass itself off as serious drama .
everything seems dragged out , overplayed .
when they should 've kept us in the dark , they let the cat out of the bag too early .
Output: N
director andrew davis reworks his fugitive formula and the results are about as exciting as his last film-- the dreadful comedy steal big , steal little-- was funny .
keanu
" i 'd rather play music than play another action hero " reeves
is the grad student on the run , who , along with his superfluous sidekick ( rachel weisz ) , has been framed for a sabotaged science experiment that vaporized eight chicago city blocks .
( the mushroom - cloud explosion is a knock - out and easily the best part of the movie .
or , as one audience member succinctly summed it up :
" whoa . " ) false information implicates their involvement and boy and girl are soon on the run , fleeing over open drawbridges , across icy lakes , and through the corridors of power at a top - secret , underground energy facility .
aiding and abetting is the team 's shady mentor , played in an excellent - but - so-
what performance by morgan freeman .
( brit brian cox is also about , as the behind - the - scenes bad guy .
he has some fun fiddling with a southern accent . ) unfunny , overscored , and without a single shred of suspense , chain reaction is * the * summer movie to walk out on . if you make it to the end , a mess of cross - cutting involving another imminent explosion , you 'll hear somebody say " i guess it 's time to go .
" heed that warning .
Output: N
brian de palma 's snake eyes stars nicolas cage 's evil twin , who confusingly uses the same stage name as his talented brother .
like a foreign tourist who screams his lines in english to ensure that he will be understood , cage yells with the ferocity of a man with a bad case of caffeine overload . de palma , whose last great film , the untouchables , was crafted over a decade ago seems to have lost his magic .
in snake eyes , he manages to elicit some of the worst performances possible out of a skilled cast .
only gary sinise rises slightly above the hackneyed material .
the rest of the actors become caricatures in this by - the - numbers thriller .
ryuichi sakamoto 's atmospheric and melodramatic music dominates almost every scene .
heavy on the long violin notes , its rhythm is punctuated by thunder .
( the script by de palma and lost world 's david koepp sets the action during a hurricane in an attempt to pump up the adrenaline level and the noise .
only the latter is achieved . )
cage plays rick santoro ,
a corrupt atlantic city cop who shakes down criminals to get betting money .
the movie takes place over a single evening when a world championship fight is being held .
with a flashy , bad wardrobe and a gold cell phone , rick is an obnoxious cop who does n't know when to shut up . spouting cliched and ridiculous dialog
, he screams such lines as , " i was made for the sewer , baby ! "
actually the line is more apropos for the movie as a whole .
sinise plays kevin dunne , a naval officer who is in charge of the security for the secretary of the navy , who has come to watch the fight .
but most people in the film are not who they seem to be , and the thin script makes all of them easy to guess .
the plot , which is told in endless flashbacks , concerns the assassination of the secretary through a scheme set up by some malevolent businessmen ?
that adjective is , of course , redundant in hollywood thrillers .
the flashbacks become repetitious with the same scene shown again and again , sometimes from a different perspective and sometimes not .
although a brian de palma film requires a certain amount of gratuitous violence , this one is remarkably tame for the man who became famous when he made carrie .
the movie 's outline has some promise , but the movie itself is leaden .
the film takes itself all too seriously .
at best , it is a 1940s - style b movie .
a little humor would have helped the script some , but a complete rewrite would have been better .
and , although i hate to say it , a different director would have been the biggest improvement .
snake eyes runs 1 : 39 .
it is rated r for violence and would be acceptable for teenagers .
Output: N
" idle hands " is distasteful , crass and derivative .
if an original thought found its way into this horror - comedy it would die of loneliness .
plus , you have to question the judgment and sensitivity of studio executives who would green light the release of a movie dealing with the slaughter of innocent teen - agers the week after the tragedy in littleton , colo .
the movie is insulting to horror film fans and teen - agers .
the plot , what little there is , deals with anton ( devon sawa ) , a high - school slacker who 's hand goes on a murderous rampage after becoming possessed .
along the way the hand kills anton 's parents and his two best friends .
the friends , also slackers , are so lazy that they return from the dead because the walk into the light was too far for them .
that is the level of this 's atrocity 's humor .
the movie treats death as a joke .
" idle hands " is gruesome and morbid .
the performances are stereotypical and cartoonish .
i realize this is supposed to pass for comedy , but recent events have surpassed what is on the screen .
it is not the fault of the filmmakers that real life has overtaken reel life .
and i can only presume that the writers of " idle hands , " terri hughes and ron milbauer , were trying to make some statement about today 's young people and their values in a satiric vein .
however , it 's hard to laugh at death these days , especially ones involving young people .
with the real horrors of the world put before us on television ,
a stale pastry such as " idle hands " should be held from release for a few weeks or months to give us time to catch our collective breaths .
" idle hands " is bad , no matter the circumstances in the world outside .
but the context of recent events only heightens its shortcomings .
the time is not right for this type of movie .
and as far as " idle hands " goes , the time may never be right .
this is a movie that shoud be consigned to the trash bin of cinema .
Output: N
starring kiefer sutherland ; reese witherspoon & bokeem woodbine i used to think that the conversation was the worse film i had ever seen .
freeway is giving me second thoughts .
freeway is a modern retelling of little red riding hood .
only in the nineties , little red riding hood is a foul - mouthed juvenile delinquent played by reese witherspoon , and the big bad wolf is a serial killer ( keifer sutherland ) .
to top that pathetic premise off
-- reese goes to visit granny and you 'll never guess who 's waiting under the cover 's in granny 's bed .
keifer sutherland is one of hollywoods most talented , yet underrated actors , and reese witherspoon is exceptionally talented and will most likely become a major star .
so
what are they doing in this movie ?
after seeing the end result , undoubtedly they are both asking themselves the same question .
you might be asking yourself why this is such a short review .
the answer is quite simple --
i do nt want to waste any more of my time writing or thinking about this movie than absolutely necessary .
i wasted enough of my time just sitting through it .
note to keifer
: you wonder why you are n't a bigger star in hollywood ? because you keep making movies like this .
note to reese
: you were great in fear , what happened this time ?
note to both
: do n't worry about it too much , no one saw this movie anyway .
bottom line --
i 'm still shaking my head .
do n't waste your time on this turkey . if you want to see a great keifer sutherland movie , go rent flatliners or young guns .
reese witherspoon 's abundant acting talents are used to their full potential in fear , a great thriller .
do yourself a favor and rent one of these movies -- but
stay as far away from freeway as you possibly can .
Output: N
a suave , cool , collected , rich , uptight bad guy = cliche .
a clumsy criminal oaf to add to the laughs = cliche .
a bad guy who owns a wild animal = cliche .
a crooked , chauvinistic law enforcer type = cliche .
at an intense moment , our main character tries to get away , but the car has trouble starting = cliche .
complaining about cliches = cliche .
ok , ok .
so we always hear about cliches .
but if there was ever to be a prime example , the real mccoy is it ! not one uttered word , not one frame of film , not one character in this whole movie is n't a cut and paste example of everything we 've ever seen .
they might as well use this as a training film : " how to make a bank robbery film in the 90 's " .
karen mccoy ( kim basinger ) is a bank robber who just got out on parole after a six - year stay at the state prison .
she wants to make things right and go straight , especially with the fact that she has a six - year old son out there who does n't even know she 's alive .
aware of mccoy 's bank robbing expertise , sniveling bad guy jack schmidt ( terence stamp ) uses the same six - year old to coerce mccoy into returning to her past .
he wants mccoy to pull off an elaborate heist of 18 + million dollars at the same bank she got caught trying to rob six years earlier , which , by the way , is somehow due to schmidt .
and if she refuses ? who knows what he 'll do to the kid .
( cue sinister laughter )
this movie is so pathetically pitiful
that it 's hard to know where to begin .
the aforementioned cliches are brutally abundant .
i ca n't stress enough how every single element , whether it be a character , the dialogue , a plot " twist " , etc . , is so damn generic that you 'll wonder if * anyone * is working behind the scenes , let alone in front of the camera .
basinger is absolutely vacant .
and where do they get off trying to make us emotionally attached to her ?
here 's someone that spent their time robbing banks , and now as she heads onto the street , we 're supposed to feel sorry for her .
as she confronts her son , who does n't even know who she is , are we supposed to break into tears ? ?
especially when neither basinger nor zach english , who plays the kid , has any depth or emotional - radiance whatsoever .
i suppose i should mention val kilmer .
yeah ,
that 's right
- he 's in it !
quite sadly too , seeing as how i can discuss everything about the movie and never mention his name .
and he got second billing !
to be fair , i will admit that kilmer had potential in his role as the bumbling criminal wannabe j .
t . barker .
unfortunately the script does n't allow much room for improvement , and when his character is used like bookends ( he never shows up in the middle of the film ! ) , we have no time to appreciate what he might have brought to this project .
the real mccoy
just ca n't keep it
's head above water
,
and soon , * very * soon , sinks into a cliched mess of movie .
the actors are like dummies being moved about by an unenthusiastic puppeteer , and the dialogue , particularly schmidt 's trite dialogue , falls like the niagra .
this is definitely one to avoid , folks .
the real mccoy is anything but !
Output: N