in the james bond film " diamonds are forever , " tiffany case asks 007 whether he prefers brunettes to redheads .
bond 's response is that it does n't really matter , as long as collars and cuffs match .
well , collars and cuffs do n't match in " the real blonde .
"
what might have sounded good on paper ends up as
a largely unfunny , meandering comedy on screen .
the film , supposedly a satire of the superficiality of soap operas and the modeling business , is wafer thin .
it plays like an " ally mcbeal " episode dragged out to the nth degree , replete with a few unnecessary " fantasy " sequences .
writer / director tom dicillo manages the material as if poking fun at daytime dramas is a fresh idea .
it is n't .
the only surprise here is that the talented dicillo could make familiar terrain so dreary .
matthew modine plays joe , a struggling actor waiting tables in order to pay the rent .
he 's 35 with no agent and no credits since he 's too proud to take on roles in commercials or soap operas .
"
that 's not really acting " he tells his girlfriend of six years , mary ( catherine keener ) , with whom he bickers constantly about sex .
but they need the money , so joe finally agrees to take a part in a madonna video .
but it 's not really madonna starring in the video but a lookalike ( played by elizabeth berkley , still trying to jump
- start her career after " showgirls " ) .
this points out how artificial this whole business is , one supposes .
dicillo has referred to " the real blonde " as " off - kilter , but an interesting combination of all sorts of stuff . . .
"
the film , which wanders all over the place without getting anywhere , is remarkably * on
* -kilter
and , with perhaps the single exception of the always - likable modine ( who 's not afraid to stand around in a very unattractive bathing suit surrounded by hunks ) , the entire cast is vague and uninteresting .
catherine keener , who 's appeared in dicillo 's previous three films ( including the brilliant " living in oblivion " )
, is at her most annoying in " the real blonde .
" look at her closely ; she really ca n't act at all .
her reactions are all wrong , almost always out of sync with her co - stars .
she reacts too soon , or too late , to lines and situations .
she moves her eyes , or her mouth , far too much .
she frowns
, she yells , she babbles --
she blows chunks .
maxwell caulfield plays joe 's actor / waiter buddy bob , the one obsessed with dating a " natural " blonde .
bob 's personality ( not to mention caulfield 's acting ability ) parallels that of the character he plays on the soap opera " passion crest " -- stiff and uninteresting .
maybe that 's the point .
daryl hannah is dim and uninteresting
as the real blonde of the title , a soap dish who beds bob both on- and off - camera .
hannah looks about fifty in this movie ( she 's only 37 ) .
why is that ? almost all the women in the film wear tops that show their nipples .
why is that ! ?
marlo thomas plays an uninteresting fashion photographer .
kathleen turner plays an uninteresting talent agent .
buck henry plays an uninteresting shrink .
christopher lloyd plays an uninteresting caterer .
and so on .
the best parts of the " the real blonde " are the beginning and the end , brief scenes of an elderly woman losing and then finding her dog .
there 's more depth and sincerity in a single close - up of her expressive face than in the entire film .
while this contrast is supposedly meant to highlight the shallowness of the other characters ' lives , the only thing that makes shallow and superficial interesting is if it 's funny .
Output: N