synopsis :
cro - magnon ayla loses her mother to an earthquake and escapes certain death by a lion .
reluctantly rescued by a neanderthal clan who likes to have sex doggy - style , ayla grows up to become a blond , feminist supermodel who challenges the neanderthal patriarchy by throwing rocks and giving birth without a mate .
comments : allow me to state for the record that i find daryl hannah an appealing presence in movies .
she proved quite charming as the intelligent astronomer in the romantic comedy roxanne and equally creepy as pris in the sci - fi classic blade runner .
the clan of the cave bear clearly tries to capitalize on hannah as a selling point : the poster art bears a striking closeup of hannah in tribal paint and the video box prominently features her name in lettering the same size as the title .
not even her starring role in this turkey , unfortunately , can save it from being an unbelievable exercise in cheese .
it 's so uniquely bad ( a film dealing with prehistoric man that actually tries , and miserably fails , to be serious ) that it 's oddly fascinating .
the ridiculous attempt at drama here leaves the audience somehow transfixed , wanting to see how this dud plays out .
the clan of the cave bear is based upon a popular novel by jean m. auel .
to this day , the book possesses a loyal cult following .
i remember a dear friend of mine had a dog - eared copy of the novel she had read as a child with all the so - called dirty parts blacked out with marker by her grandmother .
i have never read this book , but i sure hope it 's 10 , 000 times better than its film adaptation .
if not , then i 'm at a complete loss to explain its popularity .
the clan of the cave bear immediately opens with a comically absurd scene .
a young ayla , looking much like drew barrymore in e. t. , tramps about in the woods .
with her cute little ponytails and fur wrapped about her , the audience 's expectations of a convincing portrayal of prehistory are immediately shattered .
what follows is a laughably choreographed sequence in which an earthquake swallows up ayla 's mother ( a blonde with fur pants .
..
er , leggings ) .
tearful ayla looks on as the cameraman shakes the camera .
..
well , as the earthquake slowly recedes .
a hungry lion becomes interested in her for lunch , but the screaming six - year - old manages to outrun the king of the wild and find a safe haven .
i wo n't detail the story any further ; this seems enough to illustrate my point .
this movie is really stupid .
it never even gives the audience a chance to suspend their disbelief .
also , the obvious comparison between the appearance of cro - magnon man in prehistory and the rise of feminism in our century is about as subtle as burning a wonderbra in front of charlton heston .
the movie does n't just suggest this message ; it whacks the message into the audience with a two - by - four .
a blond , gorgeous woman challenges the social laws of a bunch of people in gaudy brown wigs .
she 's of the " new people "
; they 're of the " old people " with " the memories .
"
yep .
we get it .
we get it .
the clan of the cave bear apparently received an academy award nomination for best make - up , which surprises me .
the movie depends upon a lot of make - up obviously , but much of it is unconvincing . as stated before , daryl hannah is daryl hannah here ; she looks like she just stepped out of the shower all the time .
the rest of the characters have dark make - up of some sort smeared over them to look like dirt .
the face - painting that 's occasionally seen is perhaps the only notable work here in my mind .
this movie also suffers from its new age trappings .
maybe the music sounded a lot more fresh or original during 1985 , but now it sounds dated and cliched , like poorly conceived elevator music .
add to this the film 's faux - mysticism , including spirit animals and dream visions , and a narrator who sounds like a psychic you 'd expect to hear on a 1 - 900 number , and you get a movie that has serious problems being serious .
the clan of the cave bear is rated r , though it 's probably one of the most inoffensive offensive films i 've seen in quite a while .
it contains several scenes of sex sans nudity .
the violence mostly consists of hunting scenes .
the funniest moment of the movie occurs when a neanderthal in love with ayla attempts to rescue her from a ferocious bear .
the bear bites his head off and the audience sees it rolling about .
although this may sound gratuitous , i 'm sure
, it 's so cheesy that it probably wo n't bother most people .
the clan of the cave bear is a bad movie .
however , as i wrote at the beginning of this review , it does have the distinction of originality .
typically when i think of bottom - of - the - barrel films dealing with early man , fantasy movies involving dinosaurs ( who did not exist at the same time as man ) and raquel welch come to mind .
the clan of the cave bear tries so hard to be serious that , though it 's so bad , the audience is still interested by the unique setting and characters of the movie ( which is why i awarded this turkey two stars ) .
i have to think that fans of the book would be disappointed with this film version
; however , i 'm only basing this observation on the fact that the book is almost invariably better than the movie .
i shudder to think that it could be otherwise . . .
Output: N