the real blonde ( r ) a woman 's face , an arm , some pumped - up pectorals , blond hair , a man 's sad face , slender legs , a random hand here and there .
as the opening credits of tom dicillo 's the real blonde unfold , these scattered , fractured glimpses eventually come together to form the image of a bikini brief - clad man on his knees clinging to a nurturing woman , his head concealing her unclothed breasts .
if only the rest of this formless , aimless ensemble comedy assembled so coherently .
joe ( matthew modine ) is a waiter / struggling actor too proud to take gigs in commercials or soap operas .
he 's feeling somewhat dissatisfied with his relationship with his live - in love , mary ( catherine keener ) , who holds some subconscious hostility toward the male gender .
mary , a makeup artist , regularly works on model sahara ( bridgette wilson ) , who is obsessed with the underlying messages in disney 's the little mermaid .
the bottle blonde has a turbulent on - again , off - again relationship with bob ( maxwell caulfield ) , a soap actor who yearns for the taste of a real blonde , which he finds in co - star kelly ( daryl hannah ) . as the film unspools , a variety of other characters pass through : fashion photographer blair ( marlo thomas ) ; mary 's shrink ( buck henry ) and self - defense instructor ( denis leary ) ; joe 's casting agent ( kathleen turner ) and hardass boss ( christopher lloyd ) ; and a mystery woman ( elizabeth berkley ) who keeps on crossing joe 's path .
where exactly does all this go ?
that 's a question best posed to writer - director dicillo , who does n't appear to have the slightest clue himself .
his meandering , largely unfunny script and direction are like hopelessly lost drivers , turning into dead - end narrative streets only to reverse course and hit another creative cul - de - sac . and another .
and another .
at one point bob , frustrated with the soap scripts , complains to the head writer ( jim fyfe ) that his and kelly 's characters keep on going in circles , with no hint of development or growth .
that is most certainly the case here .
joe gets a job and ultimately botches things ; he and mary bicker ; they make up , only to have the pattern repeat itself .
unhappy with his bottle blonde , bob gets his real blonde but is unsatisfied ; he returns to the faux and is still unsatisfied .
if there is a point to all of this , dicillo dances around it , spending his time on apparent digressions that , as it turns out , are n't digressions at all .
the real blonde is not without some amusements .
it does have the occasional funny line and situation ; leary , henry , lloyd , steve buscemi , and dave chappelle shine in their small roles ; keener is a likable , refreshingly earthy lead ; berkley 's appearance is mercifully brief ( she receives outrageously prominent billing and ad placement for a ten - minute role ) ; and there is the irony of having caulfield play a wildly popular soap star who makes the ratings skyrocket (
last year , the actor was fired from the daytime drama all my children after a scant six months -- due to lack of viewer interest ) .
but on the whole , the real blonde is a frustrating sit that lives up to the stereotypes of its title -- it may be glossy on the surface , but there 's nothing going on inside .
( opens february 27 )
Output: N