" battlefield earth " is the best comedy of the year .
it has to be .
the other prospect is just too horrifying to consider .
bad movie syndrome struck me again , so after witnessing how much " battlefield earth " has been proclaimed a train wreck in both critical and popular circles , i felt the masochistic urge to see the disaster first - hand . is it as bad as advertised ?
oh yes , very much so .
the plot is incomprehensible .
the acting is atrocious .
the special effects are mediocre .
the action is dull .
the implausibilities are legion .
the dialogue is cringe - inducing .
the whole package is funny when it wants to be serious and irritating when it wants to be funny .
i do n't even want to continue reviewing this movie ; i 'd like to purge the atrocity from my mind as soon as possible , but you probably want to read my thrashing in all its sarcastic glory , so here it is : the premise is basically a rip - off of " planet of the apes , " only minus the apes and philosophical discussion , and plus a race of evil aliens from the planet psychlo .
the year is 3000 , the psychlos have conquered earth , and the human population has been enslaved .
only a handful of humans escaped to radiation - rich areas to escape the aliens ; they live out their lives in fear .
one man , johnny goodboy
( i know , i know ) tyler ( barry pepper ) , ventures to the outworld and is captured by the psychlos .
there he confronts the psychlo head of security : a big , ugly , klingon - looking creature called terl ( john travolta ) .
pressed into slavery , johnny vows to lead a revolution and take the planet back .
meanwhile , terl is faced with his own problems : he has recently learned that he 's stuck living on earth ( which he hates ) for the rest of his career because he pissed off his boss by sleeping with the big man 's daughter .
he decides to give johnny knowledge of the psychlo language and technology ( this is where the plot gets ridiculous . . . ) so the " man - animal " can lead a mining expedition into places the psychlos ca n't go .
terl then plans to keep the mined gold for himself .
of course , his plan does n't work .
so many things wrong with this movie -- where to begin ?
how about with travolta , whose hollywood clout brought about this , the cinematic version of scientology guru l . ron hubbard 's sci - fi novel ?
early previews for " battlefield earth , " with constant shots of a makeup - laden travolta cackling like lex luthor , had me ( and several audience members ) remarking , " what the hell is travolta thinking ?
"
the movie did nothing to stem such remarks .
all that ridiculous cackling he did in the trailers is in full force here
: terl cackles after nearly every line , and so does every other psychlo .
of course , this makes every scene hilariously overwrought , no more so than when the script clumsily stumbles into political commentary .
the psychlos are probably supposed to be some kind of satire of corporate america , but ceos generally do n't laugh maniacally after denying pay raises to their employees .
( " you were going to be promoted -- but now you 're not !
fwahahahahahahahaha ! ! ! ! !
"
)
it 's no big surprise terl loses to the humans -- he 's an idiot .
he breaks every kind of supervillain rule in the book .
he underestimates his enemies , assuming he 'll win just because he 's smarter .
( he uses the word " leverage " like some sort of scientologist mantra . )
not content to go the james bond villain route of explaining his plans to the hero , he hooks him up to a machine that gives him knowledge of all the psychlos ' language and technology .
( why this machine is even around in the first place is beyond me . )
he then appears shocked that johnny points a gun at him .
no wonder this guy never got his promotion .
the plot inconsistencies are too numerous to mention .
why do the psychlos build an earth base in which both they and the human slaves must wear little breathing apparatuses to survive ?
how come the psychlos are wasting their time mining for gold when the doors of fort knox are wide open ?
how in the world did all those fighter jets survive sitting in a hangar for 1 , 000 years ?
and how do all these previously brain - dead cavemen learn to fly them so quickly ?
there 's a whole lot more to scratch one 's head about in " battlefield earth .
" bring a scorecard to track the plot holes .
director roger christian shoots " battlefield earth
" in the most distracting way possible , tilting nearly every shot sideways for no discernible reason .
all the characters appear to be standing on the walls , and it 's awfully difficult to watch a movie when you must tilt your head just to watch ordinary passages of dialogue .
the action sequences are atrociously edited ,
every one turned into an endless slow - motion parade that drains all potential excitement .
are these things really so hard to construct ?
my respect for supposed " lightweight " action directors has grown by leaps and bounds after witnessing in " battlefield earth " how badly an action sequence can be shot .
this movie is an absolute headache .
it 's not just the shot selection and editing ;
the movie , quite frankly , makes no sense .
for most of " battlefield earth 's " running time , i just did n't know what was happening .
it did n't have anything to do with me finding the events stupid or illogical ( though they certainly are ) --
i really had no idea what the hell was going on
.
when i pieced the plot together later , it did n't look any better .
here 's how much of a disaster this is : " battlefield earth " is already the worst movie of the year , and it 's going to take something really , really inept to top it .
the only thing we can take comfort in about the film is that no one will be suckered into joining the church of scientology because of it .
in fact , i 'd think that hubbard 's cult would want to distance themselves from this bomb as fast as possible .
that 'll teach me to give into bad movie syndrome again .
Output: N