martial arts master steven seagal ( not to mention director ! ) has built a career out of playing an allegedly fictitious martial arts superman who never gets hurt in fights , talks in a hushed tone , and squints at any sign of danger .
he 's also the most consistent individual in hollywood today , since all his movies suck .
they basically represent his egotisitical tendencies about his art ( that is , martial art ) .
i 'm sure the guy 's good , and he seems like a nice guy on talk shows , although a tad haughty , but these movies he makes are all the same : a guy who is basically indestructable , is maybe wounded supposedly mortally , then comes back with a vengeance and goes buddha on all the baddies asses ( although i kinda liked " under siege " ) .
of course , this one , as a change , has a " message " that is drilled into our mind .
..
of course , after he blows up a lot of stuff and kills a bunch of people .
so why do i watch his crap ?
i usually do n't .
i will never , and you can hold me to this
, i will never pay to see this man 's movies , unless , and only unless , he 's in a supporting role ( i. e. " executive decision " )
and i 'd definitely pay if he dies
( i. e. " executive decision " ) .
but this one has a special place in my heart .
this does n't mean it 's good or that i even liked it .
this was the last movie i watched with my deceased uncle , and we had one hell of a time ripping it apart a la " mystery science theatre 3000 , " and this was a couple years before i had heard of " mystery science theatre 3000 .
" in this one , seagal plays a worker for a mining factory set in alaska and run by the greased - up typical shallow villain , this time played by an oscar - winner to give the movie some more clout - michael caine .
it seems that caine wants to do something with his oil factory that includes him dumping oil all over inuit land .
around the 20 - 30 minute point , seagal speaks up to him in what seems to be the typical speech to all the vain entrepeneurs ( what with his new " fire down below , " another " message film " ) , and caine has him bumped off .
..
or does he ?
seagal is rescued by some inuits , and falls in love with one of them , played by joan chen , who can act , hypothetically , but , for some reason , not here .
one of caine 's cliched henchmen ( played here with a lot of overacting by john c. mcginley ) shoots the cheif of the inuit clan , and chen and seagal go on a voyage to take down the oil factory .
..
literally , of course .
at one point , seagal gives a wonderfully hysterical speech about how he does n't have any options but blow stuff up .
he even goes as far as to say , " i do n't want to kill someone , " and in the same breath , he asks some guy where the arsenal is .
i have no problem with violence .
i 'm a huge john woo fan , but he paints his films with suspense , skill , style , depth , characterization , and just plain cool violence .
in the films of seagal , the suspense mainly consists of the baddie attacking him stupidly , and him either wounding or killing them .
at some points , they use the cliche of the talking villain , where the villain has the advantage , can shoot seagal , but begins talking by either telling him his big secret plan , or saying a corny line , to which seagal says something hokey back , and has had enough time to devise of a way to do away with them , and does .
this would be okay if there were any suspense or if it did n't take itself seriously at all , like in the case of this summer 's " con air .
"
but seagal is serious about his skill , and of course , his message .
i would n't mind if this was a message film in the way that they present it to you with evidence .
but seagal has no idea how to present a film where the message is subtle , not pounded into the viewer 's mind .
the villain is totally shallow and cartoonish
, thus we ca n't take him and his motives seriously , and while seagal talks about being kind to the environment , he also goes ahead and blows up a square mile of rig , and kills some workers who were just doing his job .
then at the end , he spends a good 10 minutes giving a speech , just in case you did n't get the message from the trailers .
what seagal does n't realize is that no one takes his films seriously
( although maybe a couple do ) and any message he has is no only redundant , but does n't comfortably fit in his film , which is filled to the brim with hokey violence , crap suspense , stupid melodrama , and characters who have about as much emotional depth as a petri dish . as far as seagal and his acting , he 's rather boring .
he squints , he kills . period .
nothing else .
oh ,
yeah
, there 's corny one - liners
( " i 'm gon na reach out and touch someone ! " ) .
of course , he 's the star , and we 're supposed to root for him and all ,
so he makes all the villains unbelievably stupid and a bunch of jerks .
michael caine , who 's a great actor , is just supposed to yell and look cold .
he does it well , i guess , but this is no " alfie .
" of coure , no one was expecting that caliber of performance from him .
his big henchman , john c. mcginley is kinda boring as well , but is not horrible .
and we even get a small performance from that god of drill sergeants on celluloid ,
r.
lee ermey ( from " full metal jacket " ) as a hired assasin squad leader who gets to say the obligatory speech about how dangerous seagal is , just for the movie trailers and for seagal 's ego .
and also , look for billy bob thornton as one of ermey 's assasins .
anyway , to conclude this all , to judge one of seagal 's movies is to judge all of them ( except for " under siege " and " executive decision , " though the latter is not really a " seagal movie " ) .
they all have this same formula , they all have the same action , same villain , same plot , but this one has that message , which makes it more excrucitating to watch .
i mean , if you do rent it ,
and i do n't reccomend you do
, make sure you just skip the last 10 minutes .
but i have to put it to seagal for creating a film so bad , that the last film i viewed with my uncle was a pleasurable one .
my ( extra star for the fun
it is to watch and mock )
Output: N