my inner flag was at half - mast last year when nick at nite pulled " dragnet " reruns off the air .
sure
, i 'd seen them all at least once , but i could always count on at least a few inadvertent laughs from ultra - serious jack webb when there was nothing else on tv .
even though " dragnet " is out of circulation at the moment , we webb anti - fans still have the d. i. , a 50 's propaganda piece for the military that is almost as hilarious as the famous " blue boy " episode of " dragnet .
" for anyone like me who got laughs out of webb 's rapid - fire speeches and straight - faced seriousness , think of the d. i. as what would happen if sgt .
joe friday ever enlisted , because he plays exactly the same character here ,
a no - nonsense old fart who looks with disdain at the younger generation and loves to give long- winded , melodramatic speeches on any topic . in this election year , i 'm more convinced than ever that webb and bob dole were separated at birth .
the movie opens in characteristic fashion as one recruit after another knocks on webb 's office door and enters .
he gives each one a different series of cranky criticisms before the credits come up .
the " produced and directed by jack webb " card pretty much goes without saying .
this is his movie all the way , and after the first twenty minutes of him chewing out his recruits for no reason , i was wondering if there would even be a plot .
i certainly would have been entertained by an hour and a half of trademark webb rants , but the d. i. gives us more -- much more .
webb 's mission is to make a man out of private owens , the local screw - up .
the captain gives webb three days to convert owens into marine material or , the captain will " personally cut the lace off his panties and ship him out myself .
" ( whether the " lace panties " part refers to webb or owens remains unanswered . )
this , of course , gives webb an excuse to focus all his crotchety energy on making owens ' life a living hell .
for those of you who have n't been indoctrinated into the pleasures of webb watching , here 's a reprint of a typical monologue of his .
i ca n't duplicate his hilarious delivery on paper , but the words should at least partially convey what i 'm talking about . ..
" now you listen to me , youngster .
someday you 'll wake up fighting on a beach and you 'll pray to god somebody
does n't get killed because of your foolishness .
..
i 've got a headline for you : every time you make one of those little mistakes of yours , you 're gon na turn around
and i 'll be standing right there .
"
i could n't write down all the reprintable dialogue from the d. i. ( nearly all of it belongs in the bad movie hall of fame ) , but i tried to include some of the more noteworthy lines , like one from the scene where webb unwinds from a hard day 's work by going to the local bar ( where he orders a tomato juice ) .
he meets a woman who , coincidentally , also orders tomato juice but walks away from a typically - stimulating conversation with webb to flirt with his arch - rival , another marine
d.
i. webb marches over to the table , gets up in her face and says , " just what kind of a dame do you think you are ?
" bogart he ai n't .
the other d.
i. gets one of the few memorable non - webb lines when he confesses to the girl , " he 's a damn good
d.
i. ..
.
i guess i 'm just a little jealous .
" join the club , we 're all jealous of jack webb 's way with women , which is showcased even more amusingly in a later scene , as webb finds his way to the woman 's place of employment , a lingerie store , and stands around looking incredibly flustered at the negligees on display .
"
you expect me to talk to you .
..
in _ here
_ ? !
"
he exclaims , no doubt intimidated by the barrage of bras .
the woman goes off to help a customer , leaving webb to fend for himself once again in this palace of estrogen .
a little girl spots him in the store and demands , " what are you doing in here .
..
you 're a man , are n't you ?
"
he does n't reply , but you know he 's thinking in his head , " what an odd species of human -- so small .
must be one of those children
everyone 's been talking about .
" this poor girl , scarred for life by
her early encounter with jack webb , would later swear off the male gender entirely , just one of the many lesbian conversions he 's responsible for .
the movie does n't focus too closely on webb 's romance , it also continues the owens subplot with probably the most memorable scene in the entire movie , where webb forces his platoon to spend the entire night searching the ground for a flea owens killed during one of their drills .
after two privates hatch a scheme to present webb with the wrong dead flea , webb asks owens , " was that flea you killed a male or female ?
"
owens replies , " a male , sir .
"
webb yells to the platoon
, " this ai n't the one ! " that such a scene ( along with the rest of the movie ) was intended to be taken seriously defies comment .
but we know it was all presented with the utmost seriousness when a title card at the end thanks the marines not only for their cooperation in the making of the d. i. , but for iwo jima , guadalcanal and every other major battle of the first half of the 20th century .
webb held the military in such high esteem that all the soldiers in the movie ( with the exception of owens ) were played by actual marines .
someone wanting to parody this movie could n't do a more comical job than webb did .
it makes it all the more ironic ( like raeeyain on your wedding day ) that the man had no sense of humor himself .
there 's a scene in the movie where the guys are on their break time discussing something and one of them breaks into laughter .
webb bursts in the room and shouts , " what did i tell you about laughing ? !
"
to which the private replies , " sir , only nine - year - old girls laugh , sir ! "
and let me tell you , i was as happy as a nine - year- old girl while watching this movie .
Output: N