" be gentle , " urges natasha henstridge to matthew perry in " the whole nine yards .
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" i have n't made love in five years .
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" neither have i , " rebuts perry .
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i 'm married !
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if jonathan lynn 's latest comedy relied simply on jokes of that caliber -- and it certainly tries -- then it 'd be an innocuous if rather obvious little film . instead , its failings go much deeper .
first off , who has n't had enough of the tough wiseguy intimidates the timid wise guy genre ?
if you want to make a pretty penny or two in hollywood nowadays simply write a " comedy " which pairs a robert de niro / james caan / bruce willis type with a billy crystal / hugh grant / matthew perry type and wait for the royalties to roll in .
who 's next ?
jack nicholson and martin short ?
it certainly does n't have to be funny .
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the whole nine yards " is not a particularly funny film , but it is borderline offensive
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offensive in the way it continues a trend of poking fun at career criminals who would n't think twice about pushing your mother - in - law off the brooklyn bridge with her feet encased in concrete .
that might sound like a funny sight gag , but the problem is these films have long since lost sight of the fact that taking a human life is n't all that funny to begin with .
when the corpse is placed in a car , doused with gasoline , set ablaze and referred to as " barbecue , " it makes you wonder when all this playing killing for laughs is going to end .
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the whole nine yards " is also offensive in so much as its three central female characters are portrayed as nothing more than sex objects .
rosanna arquette plays a slutty , chain - smoking french canadian who 's married to matthew perry 's none - too - successful dentist .
it 's an unflattering role made all the more so by the unflattering outfits -- and unflattering situations -- into which arquette is thrust .
then there 's natasha henstridge ( " species " i and ii ) who plays the well - to - do wife of contract killer bruce willis .
she gets involved with perry 's character when he comes to chicago hoping to negotiate a finder 's fee with mob boss
yanni gogolack ( kevin pollack , transposing his vs with his ws ) after willis ' jimmy the tulip tudeski moves in next door .
henstridge and perry 's characters hitting it off is about as likely as bruce and demi getting back together .
perry might have the charm but he does n't have the physical attributes of a traditional leading man , especially in close - up .
most objectified of the bunch is amanda peet , who turns in a sexually - ripe performance as perry 's dental assistant with , it transpires , questionable career goals .
peet 's gratuitous nude scene proves how low this movie will stoop to keep its audience from dropping off .
when " my cousin vinny " is the highpoint of a directorial career including such forgettable films as " clue , " " greedy , " and " sgt . bilko , " you have to wonder if lynn chose the wrong career path .
perry 's pratfalling goofiness coupled with willis ' likable hardness could have had some potential but with no script to work with , and a director who seems to be watching from the wings , their characters run out of gas quickly .
Output: N