back in february at the monthly los angeles comic book and science fiction convention , new line cinema put on a lavish presentation for its big - screen update of the cult 1960s sci - fi tv show lost in space , complete with in - person appearances by cast members mimi rogers , matt leblanc , lacey chabert , jack johnson , and even gary oldman .
that should have set off my warning alarms -- the last time such an extravagant film presentation took place at the convention was nearly five years ago , when none other than arnold schwarzenegger made an in - person cameo to peddle . . .
last action hero .
but no ,
like millions of others , i bought into the hype and " got lost .
" if only i had gotten lost -- literally -- on the way to theatre and spared myself
the tedium of this sloppily slapped - together blockbuster wannabe .
you may find yourself wondering if director stephen hopkins and screenwriter akiva goldsman were lost themselves when they made the film .
at the convention , goldsman claimed to be a rabid fan of the original television series , and if that really is the case , i 'd hate to see what he does with concepts he only has mild interest in .
to say that his script lacks narrative cohesion is to imply that there is a narrative to begin with -- which there most certainly is not .
after the setup , in which the robinson family -- father john ( william hurt , looking and sounding as spaced out as he does in interviews ) , mother maureen ( rogers , wasted ) , daughters judy ( heather graham , ditto ) and penny ( a heavily made - up chabert , looking like a junior version of neve campbell in wild things ) , and son will ( young newcomer johnson , making the best of it )
--and pilot don west ( leblanc ,
doing a bad han solo impression ) find themselves lost in space after their ship is sabotaged by evil stowaway dr .
smith ( a watered - down but still - lively oldman , cashing a paycheck and loving every minute ) , the script 's " stream " of events becomes so fragmented and random that it seems to be made up as it goes along -- and hopkins does little to make what does go on the slightest bit interesting .
they encounter another ship .
they board it .
alien spiders attack them .
they return to their ship .
the other one explodes .
they land on a deserted planet .
and so on .
an attempt at a plot involving time travel occurs in the third act , but goldsman does n't seem to understand the rules that come with using such a story device ; when one character 's past self dies , the future incarnation inexplicably lives on .
the look and effects should be lost in space 's ace - in - the - hole , but hopkins
even manages to botch that . for a big - budget film , the visual effects are incredibly shoddy .
in one composite background shot , i could see the blue outline around oldman ; the various digital effects for the space battle scenes look like . . .
digital effects .
but nothing in those shots is as jaw - droppingly unconvincing as blawp , a monkey - like space creature that becomes penny 's pet .
entirely computer - generated and every inch showing it , blawp looks like it was lifted directly from a sony playstation game .
apparently hopkins thought the same and tried desperately to hide it ; how else can one explain the graininess of blawp 's composite shots with the human actors ?
but in doing so , the seams are that much more obvious .
you have to be severely visually impaired to not be distracted when a grainy shot of penny and blawp is immediately followed by a crystal - clear solo reaction shot of judy .
new line is hoping lost in space will become a big franchise much like the long - running star trek cash cow at paramount .
i do n't think so .
in a few years , the lost in space movie will likely live on not as a series but as the obscure answer to a trivia question : what film ended titanic 's 15-week reign at the top of the weekend box office ?
Output: N