actually , i 'm fairly sure the experience of having my flesh torn and mutilated by barbed wire would have been more positive than watching this movie .
" baywatch " babe pamela anderson lee proves once and for all that she should keep her
double - d 's on the small screen .
at least there you do n't have to pay to see her cleavage .
and for those viewers out there who would only lay down money for this movie in hopes of seeing pam topless ,
hate to burst your bubble , but there are no full - fledged nude scenes in barb wire .
you would n't be reading this review right now if i had known that fact going in .
i ca n't go back in time and reverse my mistake , but i can warn other horny teenage boys out there .
they do tease us a few times with scenes where you almost see her topless
but if she is nude , it 's so quick you ca n't even tell for sure whether you 're seeing her andersons or not .
a nipple hallucination sort of thing .
barb wire was adapted from a comic book , interesting because pamela is probably the only woman who looks like a comic book character in real life , even wearing low - cut leather to do office work ( businesswoman bondage wear ) and having unreal body proportions .
yes , like the mona lisa , pamela anderson is a man - made beauty , probably in more senses than one .
she is a definite beauty , though , and looking at her is never an unpleasant experience .
you 'd just think the woman who began her career as a playboy playmate would n't have any reservations about appearing nude in the movie , because it 's obvious
she was n't pulling a sharon stone and trying to make people pay attention to her acting skills .
i mean , she shows off more cleavage here than a jeweler 's convention .
the movie is set in the year 2017 , " the worst year of my life , " pam says .
( " the worst movie of the year , " i say . )
america is going through a second civil war and pamela is a nightclub owner in the only free city in the nation ( silicone valley , i think ) .
she also hires herself out as a bounty hunter when the price is right , posing as first a stripper and later as a prostitute .
but do n't call her " babe .
"
she hates that , and reminds us of that fact way too many times .
imagine , a woman who does a trapeze strip tease in a bar while having a hose sprayed on her being referred to in such a sexist , demeaning term .
a liberated woman like pamela anderson should n't have to hear words like " babe " during a strip tease , especially since that movie about the talking pig was such a success .
the plot ( ha - ha ) revolves around a pair of contact lenses that allow their wearer to pass through the congressional directorate 's retina scanners .
in the words of one of the characters , they 're " more than meets the eye .
" reminds me of the " transformers " cartoon , and i sure wished the movie could somehow be transformed into something decent , but that never happened .
no ,
the movie just continued on its path of lame action scenes starring pamela van - damme , big - busted kickboxer , and her resistance accomplices , ex - boyfriend axel ( tamuera morrison ) and cora ( victoria rowell ) .
thank god they did n't name her cora reef .
one bad character name is more than enough .
pamela originally does n't take sides , giving some speech about she 's only loyal to the money they pay her , but she changes her mind once the congressional bastards kill her blind brother , jack noseworthy of bon jovi " always " video fame .
i still do n't know if barb wire is a step up or step down for noseworthy , but he definitely is nose worthy ( even if he is n't sponge worthy ) .
pam gets ready to avenge his death by grabbing up an armful of semi - automatic weapons and strapping an ammunitions belt to her chest .
it 's not rambo . . .
it 's bimbo !
mark my words , barb wire will be all over the cinemax network in a year .
it 's got all the elements of the direct - to - video releases featured on hbo 's bastard cousin , the cable channel i 'd never watch if it did n't somehow come free .
it 's got the non - titillating scenes of voyeurism , laughable flashbacks , bad dialogue and action cliches out the wazzoo
.
there 's even a narrator at the beginning setting up the movie 's premise while the words scroll up the screen .
someone needs to tell pamela the wookie this ai n't star wars .
if you 've seen any action flick of the past fifteen years , you 'll recognize plenty of lifted elements .
barb wire has the obligatory trucks flipping over , car crashes , explosions , broken glass and slow - motion shots of bodies falling hundreds of feet to their death .
this is one of those automatic - pilot movies anyone could write or direct .
barb wire has only two things going for it . . .
and i think you know what those two things are .
Output: N