would you believe -- in real life , i mean -- that if you were julia roberts , that you 'd be the ugly underdog to your sister , the creepy catherine zeta - jones ?
let me tell you what reality is .
reality is that you are megastar julia fricking roberts and your brother is eric roberts , and he picks up whatever crumbs of stardom fall off your coattails as you blaze across the sky in a golden chariot .
that 's reality .
america 's sweethearts is the opposite of reality , a train wreck that tries to sell julia as a scruffy also - ran , presumably because she wears horn - rimmed glasses and used to be overweight ( uh - huh ) .
the plot follows two married , mega - movie stars , gwen and eddie ( zeta - jones and poor , poor john cusack , whose material gets worse every year ) , on the eve of their new star vehicle 's release , a film called time over time .
the only problem : gwen and eddie have gone through a nasty separation , and the press and public have not been forgiving ( think meg and dennis ) .
gosh , and the director has vanished with the film , holding the only print hostage .
veteran pr agent lee ( billy crystal ) is called upon to clean up the mess , throwing a press junket in the nevada desert to woo them with the story of a possible reconciliation between the gwen and eddie , presumably distracting the stupid , stupid film critics into forgetting they have n't seen the movie at all .
( note to sony : any studio executive that thinks this plot is going to win points with the reviewing press needs to check into rehab . )
and did i mention gwen 's sister kiki ( roberts ) is along for the ride ?
and that she and eddie just might fall in love along the way ?
oh billy , you 're a scamp !
the script you 've co - written with peter tolan ( what planet are you from ? and bedazzled -- need i say more ?
) is a roast of hollywood and celebrity , sure , but
it 's not a funny one .
yes , crystal tells us , hollywood is lying to our faces ! if you are surprised by this , you might want to check on your subscription to people magazine .
it 's about to expire .
aside from a scant few zingers (
yeah , se ?
or winces rules ! )
, america 's sweethearts ' jokes are n't funny , its pace is choppy , and the whole affair comes off as a vanity project -- not for headlining star julia roberts -- but for billy crystal to deliver a bunch of lame punch lines that he wrote himself .
i did n't time it ( the movie 's not that bad ) , but it 's crystal who really has the most screen time and is the unequivocal focus of the film .
bad move , billy -- your jokes suck .
the crotch humor is outpaced only by the meanness of the movie 's gags -- and with unsubtle sexual innuendo dripping from every scene , how this movie earned a pg-13 rating is a mystery to me .
julia overcame a lot of spiteful writing and acting to make my best friend 's wedding into a winning film , but not even that 90-tooth smile can save her here .
obviously aware of the ugliness
before him , director joe roth turns to goofy supporting characters like hank azaria ( as a lisping spaniard ) , christopher walken ( the insane time over time director ) , and alan arkin ( a new age guru in a fright wig ) to crack wise .
none of the stereotypes is successful except for walken ; azaria comes off as a preening queen when he 's supposed to be macho .
as for roth , in case you do n't know , went from direcing revenge of the nerds ii to launching his own movie studio , revolution , which produced this work .
he 's back behind the camera for the first time in 11 years .
it 'll probably be another 11 before he 's back again .
i could drone on about how america 's sweethearts will only appeal to the mouth - breathing morons who talk on their cell phones during the movies , but that would get old .
instead , i 'll settle for discussing the movie 's worst sin : that sweethearts is painfully contrived and wholly unbelievable , not just in its plot but in its sentiment .
every single character in this film ( with the arguable exception of kiki ) is simply hateful , and putting them in a romantic comedy is a waste of a bunch of villains .
when you leave the theater , you 'll ask yourself , too : why would i want any of these jerks to be happy ?
Output: N