niryuu/sni-each-converted huggingface dataset:
birthdays often cause individuals to access their lives .
are we doing what we want to be doing ?
what happened to our dreams ?
with the new millennium , our collective big birthday , just around the corner , some people are sensing a certain dissatisfaction with their existence .
the old standbys of traditional religion and science are n't doing it for many anymore
and they 're looking for something else .
we 'll be seeing more and more films with a metaphysical theme over the next few years .
ricky hayman ( jeff goldblum ) is having a career crisis .
the programming director for the good buy home shopping network
, he 's going to be fired unless sales increase dramatically .
new producer kate newell ( kelly preston ) is supposed to whip things into shape .
when the two are fixing a flat , they almost run down new age pilgrim " g " ( murphy ) .
g wanders onto the television set and connects with the viewers by telling them that they do n't really want all that commercial crap . in
some unexplained manner
, this causes sales to sour .
ricky is saved .
the movie tries to be too much at once and fails at it all .
it 's not an over - the - top comedy or a heart - warming message of humanity .
it
_ is _ a mish - mosh of poorly directed scenes made even worse by insipid dialog .
i am willing to put up with preaching from a film , but the messages here are old hat .
you should take time to smell the roses .
selling your soul for cash is a bad idea .
golly .
i 'm glad i saw the movie .
i never would have thought of these .
the opportunity to poke fun at the goofy products is mostly missed .
when g takes a chainsaw to the set , there 's an obvious chance for murphy to be hilarious .
it does n't happen .
the bits are so subdued and overly - long that there 's only a hint of laughter from the audience .
murphy has changed his roles in recent years and not for the better .
there are hints of promise in this one .
the only time the film picks up even a little is when his shaved - headed character in the long flowing white caftan shows up on screen .
the others are horrendous .
goldblum has episodes of brilliance in his career ,
but here he seems to have been replaced with a lifeless pod from his " invasion of the body snatchers " .
his relationship with kate makes no sense .
they move from antagonism to love somewhere off screen .
preston is as uninteresting as she could possibly be .
somewhere hidden deep inside of this film is about ten minutes of value .
an attempt to satirize stupid television , we get a self - parody instead .
Output: N
starring william baldwin ; cindy crawford & steven berkoff all right
, the first problem that fair game has is the casting of supermodel cindy crawford in the lead role . not that cindy does that bad
, it 's just that anyone who watches this film knows from moment one that that little bit of casting was not done because of cindy 's extraordinary acting skills , but for her extraordinary ability to look drop dead gorgeous in any situation .
and in fair game most situations tend to find cindy either soaking wet or very hot and sweaty , but i 'm sure that that is just a coincidence , no doubt that these situations were essential to the plot and the fact that cindy looks great wet , well , that 's just a happy coincidence .
sure .
william baldwin is n't a bad actor .
unfortunately , he just does n't demonstrate it at all in this movie .
i 'm not sure if that 's because most of his lines were just so hokey , or if he was trying to make cindy 's acting look good .
if it was the latter , it worked .
cindy does a surprisingly good job here in her first movie .
which is not to say that she does n't have room for improvement .
although to be fair to cindy ,
her lines were kinda cheesy in places .
so right about now you are no doubt asking yourself what sort of movie does cindy crawford , arguably the most beautiful woman on the planet , chose for her foray into the world of cinema ?
well , i 'm glad you asked that question .
cindy plays a lawyer who by
some convoluted plot twists becomes a target for former elite kgb agents .
why woud they target someone as likable as cindy , you ask ?
by the end of the movie you wo n't care .
the story is so contrived it is n't funny .
anyway
after cindy gets blown out of the window of her house , without getting so much as a scratch i might add , she is placed into protective police custody under the watchful eve of william baldwin .
who 's character , max kilpatric , a police detective , seems to possess the skills of some sort of fighting machine
( my guess is that the writers have seen way too many of steven seagal 's early films ) .
the point is that the idea of the crawford and baldwin 's characters of the run from these killer russians is n't all that bad of an idea , it 's just everything around that basic idea which kinda stinks out loud .
the supporting cast members are nothing more that over acted stereotypes .
if i was baldwin , i 'd hope this film disappears .
as for crawford , she may indeed have some acting ability .
unfortunately , any she does have is obscured by writing that goes beyond bad .
this movie was obviously written with cindy in mind , since the writers spend most of their time finding ways to capitalize off of her looks .
it 's too bad they had n't spent more time on a half decent plot , since ms .
crawford is more than capable of looking just fine all by herself thank you very much . unless you are a huge fan of either baldwin or crawford
this is a movie that will only disappoint you .
Output: N
take a look at the following equation .
.. .
a christmas carol+ghostbusters = scrooged
yes , scrooged is the odd mixture of sentiment , comedy and horror you would get if you mixed those two elements
toghether .
scrooged is alternatively sick , gross , funny , and then sickly soppy .
bill murray plays frank cross , a t. v executive with a horrible personality .
he 's evil to secretary , actors , crew , everyone , except the t. v 's station 's boss , of course ( played by the late robert mitchum ) however , he is then visited by a very dead exec , who warns cross that he will be visited by three ghosts , past , present and future ( who is called the ghost of yet to come , for some reason ) sure enough
, they arrive , show cross how much of a s.
o. b he is , and he changes his way .
however , throughout this simple plot , we 've got to suffer outlandish special effects , poor comedy , and an very , very mean performance from bill murray .
frank cross is n't ' funny ' mean
, he 's just mean .
he also is n't very good at emotional scenes , and totally destroys the last ten minutes of the film , with an utterly desperate speech saying how great christmas is , and how he has changed . however
, the supporting cast are ok , with good performances from mitchum , allen ( who plays his girlfriend ) and john glover ( who plays cross 's ' partner ' )
the ghost of christmas past is n't that bad either .
sadly , though , the audience has to suffer 25 minutes of ' home alone ' style violence from the ghost of christmas present , played by carol kane .
whoever thought smacking that kane smacking murray in the head with a toaster was funny , should be fired straight away .
and the audience also has to suffer bobcat goldthwait ( the guy with the annoying voice in police academy
3 ,
if i remeber correctly .
.. . ) who , thankfully , dosen't say much .
the script is horrendous .
michael o'donaghue churns out terrible , bad taste jokes
( which i guess is the whole point really ) then changes direction completely to emotional scenes .
and he must of been on some drug when he wrote the final ten minutes , which are awful .
the special effects look nice , but do nothing for the film .
there 's some impressive make up effects also .
the music is also good , which is scored by danny elfman .
but great effects and make up do n't make a great film .
scrooged is an appaling attempt to inject some christmas spirit into the audience , seeing
as the first 1 hour 20 minutes of the film are so depressing anyway
, and the last ten minutes had to make up for it with an godawful speech .
why did n't cross just look out his exec window , and ask a young boy to buy a goose for him ?
overall , then , you 'd have a much better christmas if you avoid this film like something that should be avoided ( perhaps a plague )
Output: N
post - chasing amy , a slew of love - triangle movies :
this month we have kissing a fool , co - starring amy 's own lee , and april brings us the object of my affection , which may as well be titled chasing allan , for it is the story of a woman who falls in love with her gay roommate .
( to be absolutely six degrees of kevin bacon about it , that film stars schwimmer 's friend jennifer aniston . ) if only kevin smith could write them all .
..
schwimmer stars as womanizing chicago sportscaster max , who falls in love with his best friend jay ( lee ) 's book editor samantha ( avital ) a mere twenty - four hours after meeting her .
they are soon engaged , and max , because of his own raging libido , grows suspicious of samantha 's fidelity .
he convinces jay to flirt with samantha during the development of his book , to " test her " .
the trouble is , jay might be secretly in love with her . to stretch this flat , sitcom premise to feature length , the plot is framed by a climactic wedding , at which bonnie hunt recounts the triangular tale -- the events leading up to the nuptials -- to an annoying fat man and his silly girlfriend .
hunt has the best comic timing of anyone in the film ; schwimmer can spin bad dialogue into mildly humorous dialogue ; and lee , poor lee , is miscast .
so hysterically funny in chasing amy , here he is forced to repress his comic instincts : to swear , to yell , to talk about oral sex .
.. the script 's idea of a character trait is to stress that jay is a " sensitive man
" , and then show him drinking pepto bismol when he 's stewing over his girl trouble .
as for avital , an israeli actress , she is warm and sweet ,
but we do n't know anything about her character
other than that it takes her an incredibly long time to realize the most obvious things .
she also too closely resembles the stunningly beautiful kari wuhrer , who plays schwimmer 's assistant and personal temptress , turning that particular subplot into an unintentional riff on vertigo .
there are a handful , a smattering , of good scenes in kissing a fool .
i enjoyed a moment in a comedy club , during which jay gets up and asks " has anyone here ever hated their girlfriend so much you wanted to kill her ?
" over and over until he 's booted off stage .
there are also a few obviously improvised lines that are fresher than anything that 's on the page .
kissing a fool is never as clever as the thursday night joke - machine friends that spawned schwimmer 's movie career , so save yourself eight dollars and watch three episodes of that series back to back .
Output: N
yet another brainless teen flick ,
this one is about , surprise , drugs and sex .
stars katie holmes and sarah
polly could n't look more bored .
their characters are cardboard cut - outs of every cliched teenager out there .
one thing you need to know
is i really hated this movie .
everything about it annoyed the hell out of me .
the acting , and script , the plot , and ending .
the director ( of the fluke hit swingers ) could have very well directed a bunch of no - name actors and had a watchabe film .
the " big " stars of go pretty much drown the project of any originality .
i felt like i was watching dawson 's creek episode 200 .
although the film still would have stayed at red despite its cast .
the " surprise " ending was sooo predictable .
since when is a male character 's sudden outing of the closet considered a surprise in hollywood anymore ? ?
go is dawson 's creek + varsity blues - she 's all that
= go home and watch something else .
Output: N
this movie stinks !
although it is professionally crafted and there are some decent performances
, the plot is so bad it drags the film into the abyss .
i knew i was in for trouble when
, during the opening establishment shots , we see a detailed close - up of warrant officer paul brenner 's ( john travolta ) military identification card and it is the wrong color .
this might seem like a minor detail , but anyone who has spent anytime with the military knows that active duty identification cards are green and dependant cards are yellow .
and what about the senior military officer whose uniform shirt is so wrinkled he looks like he is a recruit on his first day of training .
or what about when brenner tells a suspect that , because he is in the military , he does n't have the right not to answer his questions even though these rights were central to military law well before the miranda decision .
how hard is it to get someone familiar with the military to check these facts ?
now details like this could be overlooked if the underlying story held up , but this story is so full of holes it is painful to sit through .
for example , at the beginning of the film , paul brenner , an undercover army investigator , gets into a gun and knife battle at his off - post houseboat and winds - up killing an arms dealer he had been investigating .
the local police investigating the death are openly hostile to the military and they discover that brenner has been lying to them about the killing .
but instead of arresting him , or at least take him into custody for further questioning , they release him .
duh !
ultimately , brenner gets assigned to investigate the murder and possible rape of the commanding general 's daughter , a young captain also assigned to the post .
when brenner finds graphic sex tapes featuring the general 's daughter , does he use them to generate a suspect list and begin grilling suspects .
no , his instinct is to suppress them because they might be potentially embarrassing .
eventually , brenner discovers that this murder is related to a violent gang rape at west point eight years earlier .
i wo n't even go into the totally unbelievable rationale for the army 's suppression of this horrendous crime .
i will just mention one final flaw .
brenner is investigating a crime that occurred in georgia .
the rape occurred in west point , which is in new york .
he is under a very tight ( and totally implausible ) 36-hour deadline to solve this case .
he needs to discuss the rape with a psychiatrist at west point .
does he phone the doctor ?
no , he travels ( via some unexplained very fast transport ) to new york to question the psychiatrist in person , and then he returns to georgia ( again by the miracle transport ) , without once worrying about the impact any of this will have on his deadline .
you have been warned , stay away from this one .
Output: N
perhaps best remembered as the recently departed news anchor on saturday night live who always started the segment with " .
.. this is the fake news , " norm macdonald , at times , could elicit some laughter by blurting out semi - offensive phrases in his raspy voice , coated with a condescending attitude .
his shtick was marked by crassness .
in this movie , for example , when his girlfriend says that she 's kicking him out because he 's been fired from 14 different jobs over the last 3 months , he tries to calm the situation by saying , " maybe you 'll feel better after we have some dirty sex .
"
this kind of humor can only go so far , but certainly ca n't go the distance in a full - length feature .
" dirty work " , is nothing more than a sophomoric comedy about two best friends who grow up only physically .
emotionally , they 've never outgrown their pubescent years , which is somewhat amusingly explored in a beginning flashback .
although having no apparent real world skills ,
the one thing that these two have always been adept at is getting back at people .
if the meter maid was unjust in giving you a ticket , then dump a bunch of unpopped kernels of corn onto the engine block and watch the car burst apart .
mitch ( norm macdonald ) and sam (
artie lange ) need to come up with $ 50 , 000 in a period of two weeks so that sam 's dad ( jack warden ) can have a heart operation .
their idea is to start a revenge - for - hire business where they 'll do your dirty work .
in the funniest scene ( and possibly the only funny scene ) of the movie , they take advantage of a live television shoot at a nearby used car lot .
their presence is established , but when a less - than - honorable real estate developer hires them and then reneges on the payment , the two go to work to exact their sordid brand of revenge .
by default , dirty work should treat us to some outrageous revenge plots , but it delivers jerky boys level material .
except for the bit at the used car lot ( and possibly another episode that involves frat brothers ) , the dirty work is uninspired and becomes about as funny as a prank phone call .
already weak on material , it further spirals itself towards the video store by having jack warden constantly blurt out that he has an unsatisfied libido and needs ' broads ' and
also includes a very unfunny chevy chase as a bumbling doctor with a gambling addiction .
but what 's really painfully evident is that norm macdonald has no versatility as an actor .
relying on his trademark of speaking into his personal recorder and saying " note to self " ( " note to self : learn to fight , " he says after getting beat up ; " note to self : there 's always beer , " he says after hitting rock bottom ; etc . )
, we feel like we 're just watching an elongated rehash of his not - so - glorious days on saturday night live .
much like the television show , for 90 minutes we get one or two funny bits .
the rest of the story is just dead space .
Output: N
what were they thinking ?
nostalgia for the seventies is bad enough , but do we really need an eighties film ?
robbie hart ( adam sandler ) used to want to be a rock and roll star , but in 1985 he 's singing at weddings and having a good time .
a romantic at heart , he loves weddings and is just about to get married to his high - school sweetie .
when she leaves him waiting at the altar , his tune changes to " love stinks " .
he meets waitress julia ( drew barrymore ) who is engaged to a junk - bonds salesman
and you know that they are going to get together .
in
fact you know everything that is going to happen during this movie .
sandler is somewhat adequate in his leading man role , but there is no spark .
barrymore does n't seem to be able to convey anything other than a pretty face with nothing behind it :
beauty but no attitude .
both characters are just there .
bit parts by steve buscemi and jon lovitz steal the show .
the eighties are shoved in our face .
references to deloreans , madonna , " dallas " , ivana and donald , burt and loni and " miami vice
" get old fast .
the filmmakers must have realized that there was n't much entertainment to the story and thought they could dazzle the audience with humorous period allusions .
they 're not funny and it does n't work .
with change on all fronts accelerating more and more , nostalgia appears to have a great appeal , but do n't you think we could have more than 14 years before we yearn for the past .
maybe we can look forward to a film next year waxing nostalgically about el nino .
( michael redman has written this column for over 23 years and he knows that nostalgia is not what it used to be . )
Output: N
capsule : combine one quart of raiders of the lost ark , a dash of a jackie chan movie ( sans jackie ) , two teaspoons of gun- and swordplay , and a dollop of cgi .
simmer for 100 minutes .
yields :
zilch .
the phantom is a depressing and tired retread of so many earlier , better movies that after the fifteen - minute mark i started cataloguing them out loud .
it 's hard to make a good action - adventure movie that does n't simply recycle its predecessors , and i 've seen movies that even at least did the recycling gracefully .
the phantom , allegedly based on the long - running comic of the same name , does n't even bother to be graceful .
it 's a stupid and incompetent movie in too many ways to list , but i 'll try .
the film opens up with a " prelude " sequence that looks like it was slashed to ribbons in the editing and then given a heavy voice - over to compensate for whatever got thrown out .
we go from there to a jungle sequence that , i swear to god , recycles the truck - chase scene from raiders of the lost ark note - for - note , possibly even shot - for - shot , right down to the moment where indy wrenched open the door and slung one of the drivers out into the brush -- and
then goes on to rip off the rope - bridge scene from " sorcerer " as well !
sorcerer , as you may well remember , was a remake of a french movie , the wages of fear , in which a bunch of lowlifes were paid piles of money to drive a truck loaded with nitro through horrible jungle terrain .
both versions of that movie were far more interesting than this flick , but i 've got my job to do , so back to the salt mines we go .
anyway ,
the cinematic theft does n't stop there . or at least the lack of inspiration .
there is n't a single thing here we have n't seen , and it 's not given to us in a way that remotely evokes our interest .
we have ( where 's my list ? )
a bad girl , a tough good girl , a secret cave hideaway ( which seems inspired more by dr .
no than anything else ) , a boardroom meeting that drips with greed and venality , magical artifacts of terrible power , and cary - hiroyuki tagawa wasted in another stupid role where he gets to wear a fu manchu mustache and sneer a lot and generally humiliate himself .
what else is there ?
the plot is a waste of time .
the sets alternate between big but hokey -- and tiny and still hokey .
there are lines in the script that are just begging to be mst3ked --
and i 'm sure once mike and
the ' bots get the cash , they 'll stick it on their sked .
the only thing in the movie worth noting is billy zane -- he 's a good actor , and he tries very hard , even when the script is sending him down one dead alley of a scene after another .
all i can say is that i pray this is n't the beginning of the end for him --
although it sure looks like the final nail in the coffin for the comic - book super - hero movie .
Output: N
words i thought i 'd never write : the sequel to urban legend lacks the grace , wit , and power of the original .
put the gun to my head , pull the trigger , and put me out of my misery .
better yet , put the horror genre out of its misery .
when you 've finished watching urban legends :
final cut
, you 'll share my same grim point of view thanks to the horrible acting , terrible script , and ridiculous directing which has become all too common today .
urban legends : final cut is a smorgasbord of stolen movie ideas ( mainly from the blair witch project and scream ) : fabulous people with perfect teeth and skin , one creepy film school , and a dog eating a freshly removed kidney from one of the movie 's hapless victims .
urban legends delivers a story about a bunch of film students working on their thesis films to win the coveted " hitchcock award " which guarantees the winner a director deal in hollywood .
one female filmmaker ( jennifer morrison , the freaky dead girl from stir of echoes ) writes a fiction script based on a serial killer who kills his victims according to " urban legend " tales .
suddenly
, her entire crew starts getting bumped off with urban - legendary homicides , but the bodies are always missing and she is often the only witness to the killings .
the killer wears a fencing mask and a long black overcoat ,
looking like a scorned olympian out to avenge his defeat in sydney .
why this is scary is never explained .
of course , the golden rule of sequels is that there must be least one recurring character for continuity 's sake .
urban legends has one minor , recurring character from the original who we never cared about anyway
( the security guard , of all people ) .
the other central problem is that this character has already seen the urban legend killings once before
, but she 's utterly clueless about what 's going on around her .
call it suspension of disbelief .
this film is also a prime example of
how horror films are now completely dead in the water .
the last decent horror film was the blair witch project , and that seemed more like a snuff film than fiction .
the stalking killer with crazy motivation has become a tired clich ?
, as everyone seems to have forgotten : real horror is not about what is seen but about what is unknown .
Output: N
recently one night a young director named baz luhrmann could n't sleep .
he tumbled out of bed and moved over to the television where he watched mtv for an hour .
then he moved to his kitchen where he spent the same amount of time eating spoiled food .
then he took down a volume of shakespeare 's work and read it cover to cover - never really paying attention to the words or plot .
and then , as a climax , he took out his video camera and pressed the " on " button .
the result ?
william shakespeare 's romeo + juliet
- the worst film ever made and a complete failure .
though , to be fair , an interesting complete failure .
the idea at the film 's core is to make shakespeare appealing to the crowds .
this is done by moving the camera around at a rapid rate so that we ca n't see what is going on . and filming the dialogue in voice over .
and shooting leonardo dicaprio like a calvin klein model .
and making the frame go still while flashing the character 's name at the bottom .
and filming long tedious action sequences in slow motion .
i mean , man , this is the 90s , dude .
however i 've seen terrible films that are fun to watch .
( examples are batman and robin and the island of doctor moreau . )
that rule does n't apply here .
this is a film that takes itself seriously .
that is
it 's major fault .
another problem was pointed out by my friend , alex ( who was singing songs by leonard bernstein throughout . ) ; the original play is a powerful piece of work because the author remained neutral and did n't take sides .
here it 's clear that we are supposed to side with romeo .
( just look at the way they film him . )
from the begining he 's our hero and this does n't work .
and dicaprio 's awful performance does n't help .
luhrmann never decides if he wants to entertain us or enlighten us .
the result is a mess .
you can feel him striving to be something he is n't .
he tries to pull of a mix in which drag queens are filmed from purposefully arty angles .
he tries very hard .
key word : tries .
"
oh look , he 's filming above water action from below .
pretty .
what does it represent ?
" why do people do ugly things ?
i scrambled away from my tv set feeling guilty as if i could never read the play again and keep a straight face .
Output: N
in times of crisis people are driven to desperate measures .
of course what constitutes a crisis differs from person to person .
what may be a disastrous situation for one , may be seen as a challenge to another .
as deepak chopra is known to say , " it 's not the ride , it 's the rider .
" unfortunately clear - thinking is not always the reaction to problems .
wall street wheeler dealer steven taylor ( michael douglas ) is a man with troubles .
he 's sunk his money in illegal financial activities and it 's blown up in his face .
in a matter of days he will lose it all .
his wife emily ( gwyneth paltrow ) is a highly - placed un interpreter and is not happy with her life either .
her marriage is cold and unfulfilling .
unknown to her , her new lover david shaw ( viggo mortensen ) is not only a painter , but an ex - con with a history of bilking wealthy women of their money .
emily is a prime target : she 's worth over $ 100 million .
steven 's solution to his predicament is to offer david half a million to kill his wife .
the artist accepts and the movie is underway .
drawing from frederick knott 's play and loosely based on hitchcock 's dial m for murder , this is all - too typical of summer releases .
all style and no substance .
and there 's really not much style .
director
andrew davis ( the accomplished witness and best - forgotten other films ) has made exactly the wrong choices at almost every turn .
douglas and paltrow have both shown us that they are skillful actors in previous films .
mortensen showed promise in the past .
here all three are walking uninterestingly through their roles with oddly waxen faces .
the only person who shows any sense of life is david suchet as new york detective mohamed karaman .
he 's only on - screen long enough to make you think that there might be a likable person in the film and then he disappears .
the first concern of a suspense film is to create suspense .
surprises are important .
in this movie the audience keeps waiting for something to happen .
and nothing ever does .
nearly every event is telegraphed in advance .
close - up on this object or that action
and it 's easy to guess what 's going to happen .
as the film plods towards its inevitable conclusion
you keep expecting a plot twist to make the movie worthwhile .
it 's a hopeless quest .
the story does n't make much sense .
steven 's wife is loaded .
even with unfriendly relations , you 'd think that he could have talked to her about his difficulty rather than deciding to kill her .
when he does decide on the dire plan he makes an unreasonable choice .
if you were going to hire someone to kill your wife , would your first choice be her lover ?
no matter how sleazy he is , i would think there might be a chance that he would turn down the opportunity .
why would steven plan the murder as a break - in in their apartment ?
why not just take her out as she was walking to david 's loft in a bad neighborhood ?
while deciding among the numerous summer films , you might do well to skip this one .
you 'll find more suspense than this movie offers by watching the weather channel .
Output: N
" virus " is a monster movie without a monster .
any movie with a hurdle that large to overcome had better be pretty damn good
otherwise .
sadly , " virus " does not deliver , on any level .
the movie opens with the russian space station mir about to transmit something ( we never find out what ) to a big boat with lots of satellites on it .
sudddenly , a wave of colorful lightning comes flying through space , and winds up destroying mir and using it to transmit itself to the aforementioned big boat .
cut to seven days later , we meet donald sutherland and his band of seafaring vultures .
see , they spend all their time sailing around looking for dead - in - the - water ships to rescue , and then collect the reward money .
at least , i * think
* that 's what they do .
along with many other things in the film , their reason for being out in the middle of the ocean is n't really explained .
so , they stumble upon this big boat with lots of satellites on it , and decide to haul it back to russian waters .
the only problem is , the crew starts disappearing one - by - one and turning into borg .
yes , borg .
complete with the red laser beam in place of an eye .
apparently , this alien lifeform can only survive if inside something electrical .
so , it creates make - shift machines and uses humans for " spare parts " .
blah , blah , blah .
i could go on forever describing the ludicrous so - called plot , but i wo n't .
suffice it to say the most original thing about this movie is having donald sutherland play an irish man ( !
) . everything else in this movie has been taken from other ( better ) movies .
for example , many of the machines resemble those found in the little - seen japanese movie , " tetsuo - the iron man " .
and the plot is right out of " aliens " .
the funny thing is , i was actually expecting to enjoy this movie .
i have a soft spot for cheesy monster movies , like last years under - appreciated " deep rising " .
but " virus " , as i mentioned earlier , does n't even have a monster .
it just has a big pile of circuits and wires and expects the audience to fear this ridiculous looking contraption .
" virus " is the type of movie that really makes you wonder what the screenwriter was thinking about when he wrote it .
besides the lame " monster " , it 's chock full of dialogue that no real person would ever say , and situations that no real person would ever allow themselves to get into .
for example , there is a scene late in the movie in which one of the characters actually attempts to * negotiate * with the alien !
now , i do n't know about you , but if i came upon a lifeform that viewed mankind as a virus to be eliminated , i doubt that i would attempt to reason with it .
that makes about as much sense as a baby squirrel calmly asking a fierce predator to spare his life .
finally , " virus " is n't scary .
the least the filmmakers could have done was to make the movie just a little scary .
as it is , it 's about as frightening as a box of cookies .
skip " virus " .
if it 's a cool monster movie you want , rent the far superior ( and the granddaddy of this genre ) " aliens " .
Output: N
barb wire , pamela anderson lee 's first foray into films , highlights the fact that her only talent lies in her silicone enhanced assets .
being the only notable member of the cast , the camera lingers lustily o n her body at every opportunity , making her character 's catch line , " do n't call me babe , " sound very ironic indeed .
from the very opening of the movie , we are treated to a striptease routine from anderson , ending in her hurling her stiletto smack between the eyes of a lusty male who happened to call her babe .
throughout the movie , there is ample footage of enormous breasts and cleavage , if not of anderson 's , then at least of the female extras .
this alone is enough to retitle the movie babe wire . for a plot
, barb wire rehashes the casablanca storyline .
it is 2017 , the middle of the second american civil war , and barb wire , a former resistance fighter , runs a joint in steel harbour called hammerhead ( ! ! ) .
known for attracting resistance fighters an d characters of all sorts
, the bar attracts the attention of the government forces who appear dressed in nazi - style uniforms .
in between bashing up helpless males and showing off her trademark breasts , barb wire has to help a former lover and his wife get to the airport on the other side of the town , past the government - controlled areas , and to freedom .
even the airport looks like the one in casablanca , except that the plane in the background is a modern , private jet .
there are hardly any significant moments in this film , and one gets the impression that it was designed for young teenagers familiar with the dark horse comics version of " barb wire .
"
if anything , one leaves the film with the confirmation that anderson di d not do her own stunts . who could fight and jump in a skimpy , strapless leather top , and yet keep her breasts from spilling out ?
only a stuntwoman . not pamela anderson lee .
Output: N
capsule :
john the baptist is sent from heaven to see is the world is worth saving .
he must find some sign of hope in the people of newfoundland .
this is little more than a tv skit in movie form .
it is watchable and apparently will be released to theaters in canada ,
but it is unlikely to be seen on the international market .
it is diverting but hardly a serious piece of cinema .
, 0 ( -4 to +4 ) minor spoilers in this review .
- written and directed by john w. doyle .
- john the baptist sent to st .
john , newfoundland . gets an invitation to live with a family .
that extraordinary hospitality for some reason does not count as a reason for hope .
- script has a lot of holes .
- friend who adopts john is surprisingly militant and is planning actions to destabilize wall street . - john does look middle eastern , but somehow one expects john the baptist to be more dramatic .
- there is a conspiracy in the vatican riding on the result of the visit , though that result seems small compared to the end of the world . - big yucks like seeing a nun give the pope a pedicure and evil pope 's aid praying to a mendes goat .
- in large part a satire of life in newfoundland taking licks at things like the poor produce .
the one good tomato in grocery ( by virtue of a miracle ) " must have fallen off the truck to toronto .
" - based on a 20-minute short film .
Output: N
long ago , films were constructed of strong dialogue , original characters , memorable plot points , and solid acting .
one of the best examples that hollywood now completely ignore these qualities is found in the new film where the heart is .
this opus about the power of love and the redemption of family follows the tragic , and i mean tragic , life of novalee nation ( natalie portman ) .
hitting the road with her hick , guitar - playing boyfriend in a rusted - out gm , novalee dreams of the blue skies of bakersfield and sipping chocolate milk beneath a plastic umbrella with her unborn baby , due in a month .
stopping off at a nearby wal - mart for a quick rest , novalee 's boyfriend decides to take off and leaves her there .
novalee then decides to secretly hole up in the wal - mart ( because she 's not the brightest bulb in the stagelights ) .
a wacky librarian ( keith david ) comes to her rescue when she goes into labor one night while she is camped in the outdoors section of the store .
then the she moves in with a family , befriends everyone in town -- including ashley judd 's character ( who has five kids and still can work part - time as a nurse )
-- fights off religious freaks , survives a tornado , breaks the heart of the wacky librarian that saved her , receives an inheritance , builds a martha stewart - esque house , becomes an award - winning photographer , and manages to always look like she stepped out of a cosmo shoot , all while not once doing anything with her kid .
this film is terrible .
the directing is awful : it seems director matt williams had an index card with six angles written on it and used every one of them , over and over and over again .
we get pathetic and ugly acting by natalie portman , who can do good work .
a disjointed pacing of key scenes and a time structure so confusing that it would throw steve prefontaine off .
a subplot that actually validates the actions of the boyfriend who abandoned novalee in the wal - mart parking lot .
an embarrassing display of emotions by the characters , making the audience ill .
taking two great comedic screenwriters , babaloo mandel and lowell ganz , and forcing them to write drama on par with oprah 's book club .
altogether , it has the feeling of being trapped at home , watching a very bad television mini - series and wishing it to end , only the remote is broken .
however , the main problem with the film is that it never answers the most poignant question brought up : where is the heart ?
no one ever seems to find it in this piece of junk .
Output: N
nostalgia for the 70s continues , as we see a revival of one of the decade 's greatest achievements : the marijuana comedy .
however half baked does n't quite run with all its brain cells , and will make you appreciate the questionable talents of cheech and chong all the more .
the plot follows the misadventures of four ne'er - do - well stoners .
there 's the group 's unofficial leader , thurgood ( david chappelle ) , scarface ( guillermo diaz ) , brian ( jim breuer ) , and kenny ( harland williams ) .
kenny gets into trouble , when , while on a munchie run , feeds his snack foods to a diabetic police horse .
when the animal keels over , he finds himself accused of killing a police officer , and facing a $ 1 , 000 , 000 bail .
his friends promise to raise money for a 10 % bail bond , but have no idea how . that is , until thurgood stumbles upon a stash of pharmaceutical marijuana being tested at the company where he works as a janitor .
soon the three guys are dealing dope to raise funds , while avoiding the cops and rival dealer sampson simpson ( clarence williams iii ) .
for a comedy , the film is pretty humorless .
not that it does n't try .
.. it 's just that the comic setups are obvious and the payoffs nearly all fall flat .
the four leads are nearly all playing the same character .
only williams stands out ( while still performing on the level of his humor - free comedy rocket man ) , but that is because he 's imprisoned throughout most of the film , giving a much needed change of pace ( but mostly swapping one set of obvious gags for another ) . to help out , the film is packed full of cameos .
steven wright , tommy chong , janeane garofalo , willie nelson , snoop doggy dogg , and jon stewart all make appearances at one point or another .
none of them work , beyond the simple " hey , that 's _
_
_
_ _ " level .
in fact the funniest work in the film comes from chappelle .
not as his bland pothead lead , but in his second role , as a pot - obsessed rapper , sir smokealot .
granted , it 's pretty much a one - joke role , and there are n't a ton of laughs .
..
but this film needs every one it can scrape up .
to top it off , and in a move contrasting with the tone of the rest of the film , thurgood is given a love interest , mary jane ( rachel true ) .
her role is that of the public service announcement : to inform us why doing drugs ( including pot ) is wrong .
her character seems fabricated merely as a defense to the " your film promotes the use of drugs " camp .
the film would have been better off by sticking with the " rebel " tone it so eagerly tries to claim .
yet , in the end , it does n't really matter .
watching the film clean and sober , you are bound to recognize how truly awful it is .
Output: N
i saw this film on christmas day expecting an upbeat comedy .
boy was i in for a christmas dissapointment !
after an hour of the movie , i was ready to change rooms - into another theater !
read on to see what i have to say .
.. .
four rooms : starring : tim roth , jennifer beals , antonio banderas , quentin tarantino , valeria golino , madonna , bruce willis ,
marisa tomei , alicia witt , lili taylor , and ione skye .
possible stars )
" four rooms " was supposed to be one of the biggest hits of the year .
key word here : " supposed .
" four of the biggest directors in hollywood : quentin tarantino , robert rodriguez , alexander rockwell , and alison anders were all directing one big film with a big and popular cast .
i guess it was all just too much because this turned out to be the biggest flop of the year and it could of been great .
the plot : it 's new years eve
and it 's a bellboy 's first day on the job .
he encounters many mysterious and kinky hotel guests as he tries to handle all his own problems .
tarantino told his directors this plot , and each of them wrote a script .
it turned out each of them had written a dark comedy .
anders wrote and directed the tale about a coven of witches ( madonna , valeria golino , alicia witt , and ione skye ) , which was the worst one out of all of them .
the second room ( jennifer beals ) was better , but lacking in plot .
this room was about a man who accuses every man of sleeping with his wife .
the third room ( antonio banderas ) was the best roomm , about two rambunctous kids that trash a hotel suite .
the final one ( tarantino , willis ) was about a movie star wanting the bellboy to chop off someone 's finger .
the movie was just plain trash .
there was nothing here that even makes up a quality film .
it was not funny , and i did n't hear one laugh in the theater throughout the whole film .
tim roth is horrible as the bumbling and mumbling bellboy , and he ruins every joke in the film .
the supporting cast loses meaning to the word support and the only mentionable actors / actresses are antonio banderas and jennifer beals .
marisa
tomei appears in a stupid cameo role .
this movie is the worst film of the year and the film could have been great , perhaps like a more upbeat " plaza suite ,
" but it was n't . as trashy as it was , some people will call it classic .
do you call a man chopping off a finger with madonna 's chest showing a classic film ?
look for more of ken 's kritic korner coming soon !
please check the newsgroups under the movie reviews section for updated reviews .
p. s.
" four rooms
" made number 1 on my top ten worst list of 1995 .
Output: N
i remember really enjoying this movie when i saw it years ago .
i guess my memory really sucks .
there is very , very little that is funny in caddyshack .
the laughs are few , and far between , and what there are really are n't that great .
caddyshack , as the name implies , more or less centers on one young caddy working at an exclusive country club .
michael o'keefe plays said caddy .
why they cast this unknown , fairly untalented actor in the lead role is completely beyond me .
the movie does n't seem to have a real plot , just a series of scenes that are little more than opportunities for the rest of the cast to mug at the camera .
the only real story , if you can call it that , was a subplot involving the mentally disturbed greens keeper , bill murray , who is having his own private little war against a gopher who is ruining the course .
most of the marginal laughs come from rodney dangerfield and ted
knight mugging and overacting for the camera
-- with painfully limited success .
bill murray is slightly amusing in places , but fairly wasted .
the biggest waste of all is chevy chase , who did n't even crack a smile on my face with his character 's lame zen - like approach to golfing .
there are a few decent scenes involving the interaction between dangerfield and knight , but they are far too infrequent to carry the movie .
i guess that 's what you get for basing a story around an unknown kid .
i 'm not sure what the writers of this thing were thinking of , but i really think it was something far removed from comedy as they were putting pen to paper .
nothing about this movie works .
it would n't have taken a genius to figure out that this thing was n't going to fly .
most of the scenes just could n't possibly be funny .
it 's as if the writers where off in their own little brain damaged world .
i 'm sure scenes involving chevy chase and his oneness with the golf ball were supposed to be funny .
in reality , they were painfully embarrassing to watch .
there is a scene at the club pool where all the caddies go wild for the " hot babe " of the movie walking by in her bikini .
olive oil would have filled out this swimsuit better than this girl .
everything about this movie was just completely implausible as far as the comedy was concerned .
maybe if you were drunk out of you mind or high off some sort of illegal narcotic
this thing might be funny .
but for
the rest of us , stay the hell away from caddyshack .
Output: N