" spawn " features good guys , bad guys , lots of fighting , bloody violence , a leather - clad machine gun chick , gooey , self - healing bullet holes , scatological humor and a man - eating monster .
it not only appears to have been tailor made for a swarm of 12- and 13-year - old boys , it appears to have been made by them .
in a classic example of telling and not showing , " spawn " opens with a truckload of mumbo jumbo about forces of darkness , forces of light and how " men are the ones who create evil on earth .
" so much for a message .
the movie then lurches forward into the plight of al simmons ( michael jai white ) , a government assassin / operative who is murdered by diabolical boss jason wynn ( martin sheen , who plays all of his scenes like an oscar clip ) while on a top secret mission in a north korean biological weapons plant .
simmons goes to hell and back , after making a deal with satan himself -- if he agrees to command the devil 's army to overtake the world , he 'll be allowed to return to earth to see his wife wanda ( underused theresa randle ) and little girl cyan ( sydni beaudoin ) .
of course , seeing as how five years has passed , wanda has fallen for -- and married -- simmons ' partner ( d . b . sweeney ) .
his , uh , shoulder to cry on comes in the form of clown ( john leguizamo ) , a disgustingly disproportioned minion of satan 's .
clown manipulates simmons , now in superhuman spawn form , into a stand off with wynn .
wynn , who thinks he is in league with the double - dealing clown , recognizes spawn as a threat and undergoes an operation where a bomb is placed on his heart -- when it stops beating , major cities around the world will detonate , causing the leak of a disease that " makes the ebola virus look like a skin rash .
" phew .
got all that ?
it would be easy to dismiss " spawn " as just another one of those heavy - on - fx , short - on - substance action pics , but it does n't even work on that level .
the computer - generated sequences are often and plenty , and the problem is that they look too computer - generated .
the several scenes set in hell present a devil that looks and acts like a video game graphic -- with the movie 's healthy budget
you 'd think they could have afforded to make his mouth move when he talks .
other elements of the movie are so - so ; spawn 's enormous red , flowing cape is a wonderful sight , but it 's too obvious when he 's being played by a costumed actor or an image .
in movies like " contact , " the special effects serve the story .
in " spawn , " they are the story . and spawn himself is n't even an interesting character .
the film 's reliance on razzle - dazzle would be acceptable if we were given somebody to root for , but both simmons and his funky alter - ego are completely underdeveloped .
what we need is a batman , a luke skywalker .
even watching the adventures of kleenex man would be more interesting than spawn .
poor leguizamo .
he starred in february 's " the pest , " a movie that i still think is the year 's worst so far , although this one does give it a run for its money .
as clown , he overacts to the extreme , never missing an opportunity for a poor - taste punchline .
leguizamo farts green mist , munches a pizza slice covered with maggots and even dons a mini - skirt and performs a cheerleader routine , all before turning into a giant grey demon .
the guy was brilliant in " to wong foo , thanks for everything !
julie newmar .
"
what is he doing wasting his talent in this and " the pest " ?
i 'm one of the few people that liked " batman & robin , " this summer 's other big - budget comic book film .
yet after catching this movie and making the inevitable comparison , i can only hope people will change their minds and think of " batman " as the superior adaptation .
there 's a compelling story somewhere in " spawn " -- including strong religious overtones and the debut of the first african - american superhero ever -- but it 's just not found anywhere near here .
as it is
, " spawn " is just awful
-- it stinks worse than a dead trout .
Output: N