Fact1: province is defended by feared 3rd Foot and Mouth Regiment, Fact2: Mouth Regiment are said to not wear anything under kilts, Fact3: Governor 's wife in takes photograph of inspection hope of luring Khasi into bed with her, Fact4: Ruff-Diamond delays on account of unattractiveness eventually taking her away with him to Bungdit Din 's palace, Fact5: team is dispatched to return her and photo to British hands
Output: Sir Sidney RuffDiamond Sid James is Queen Victorias Governor in the British India province of Khalabar near the Khyber Pass. The province is defended by the feared 3rd Foot and Mouth Regiment The Devils in Skirts, who are said to not wear anything under their kilts. When Private Widdle Charles Hawtrey is found wearing underpants after an encounter with the warlord Bungdit Din Bernard Bresslaw, chief of the warlike Burpa tribe, the Khasi of Khalabar Kenneth Williams plans to use this information to incite an antiBritish rebellion. He aims to dispel the tough image of the Devils in Skirts by revealing that contrary to popular belief, they do indeed wear underpants under their kilts. A diplomatic operation ensues on the part of the British, who fail spectacularly to prove that the incident was an aberration. The Governors wife Joan Sims, in the hope of luring the Khasi into bed with her, takes a photograph of an inspection in which many of the soldiers present are found wearing underpants, and takes it to him. With this hard evidence in hand, the Khasi would be able to muster a ferocious Afghan invasion force, storm the Khyber Pass and reclaim India from British rule; but Lady RuffDiamond insists that he sleep with her before she parts with the photograph. He delays on account of her unattractiveness, eventually taking her away with him to Bungdit Dins palace. Meanwhile, the Khasis daughter, Princess Jelhi Angela Douglas, reveals to the British Captain Keene Roy Castle, with whom she has fallen in love, that the Governors wife has eloped, and a team is dispatched to return her and the photo to British hands. Disguised as Afghan generals, the interlopers are brought into the palace and, at the Khasis suggestion, are introduced to Bungdit Dins sultry concubines. Whilst enjoying the women in the harem, they are unmasked amid a farcical orgy scene, imprisoned, and scheduled to be executed at sunset along with the Governors wife. The Khasis daughter aids their escape in disguise as dancing girls, but during the entertaining of the Afghan generals, the Khasi, contemptuous of an annoying fakirs performance, demands that he see the dancing girls instead. After their disguises are seen through, the British and the Princess flee, but Lady RuffDiamond drops the photograph on leaving the palace through the gardens. The group returns to the Khyber Pass to find its guards massacred and their weapons comically mutilated, in a rare moment of albeit tainted poignancy. All attempts to hold off the advancing hordes fail miserably, and a hasty retreat is beaten to the Residency. The Governor, meanwhile, has been entertaining, in numerical order, the Khasis fiftyone wives, each one of them wishing to right the wrong that his own wife and the Khasi himself have supposedly committed against him though no such wrong took place. After a browbeating from his wife, Sir Sidney calls a crisis meeting regarding the invasion, in which he resolves to do nothing. A black tie dinner is arranged for that evening. Dinner takes place during a prolonged penultimate scene, with contrapuntal snippets of the Khasis army demolishing the Residencys exterior, and the officers and ladies ignoring the devastation as they dine. Shells shaking the building and plaster falling into the soup dont interrupt dinner, even when the fakirs severed  but still talking  head is served, courtesy of the Khasi. Only Brother Belcher fails to display a stiff upper lip, and panics like a normal person. Finally, at Captain Keenes suggestion, the gentlemen walk outside to be greeted by a bloody battle being waged in the courtyard. Still dressed in black tie, Sir Sidney orders the Regiment to form a line and lift their kilts, this time exposing their implied lack of underwear. The invading army is terrified, and retreats at once. The gentlemen walk back inside to resume dinner, whilst Brother Belcher acknowledges the defaced British flag flying.