Fact1: United States Army librarian is selected for suspended animation experiment on grounds of average appearance, Fact2: officer in is arrested for having started own prostitution ring under Upgrayedd 's tutelage charge, Fact3: Joe and Rita 's suspension chambers are unearthed by collapse of mountain-sized garbage pile and Joe 's suspension chamber crashes into apartment of Frito Pendejo, Fact4: Joe is arrested for not having bar code tattoo to pay for doctor 's appointment, Fact5: bribes him with promises of riches through compound interest on Joe open in 21st century
Output: A United States Army librarian, Corporal Average Joe Bauers, is selected for a suspended animation experiment on grounds of average appearance, intelligence, behavior, etc. Lacking a suitable female candidate, they hire Rita, a prostitute whose pimp Upgrayedd has been bribed to allow her to take part. The experiment is forgotten when the officer in charge is arrested for having started his own prostitution ring under Upgrayedds tutelage. Five hundred years later, Joe and Ritas suspension chambers are unearthed by the collapse of a mountainsized garbage pile, and Joes suspension chamber crashes into the apartment of Frito Pendejo, who expels him. The former Washington, D.C. has lost most of its infrastructure, with people living in plastic huts called domistiles. The human population has become morbidly stupid, speaks only low registers of English competently, is profoundly antiintellectual, and individuals are named after corporate products. Suspecting hallucination, Joe enters a hospital, where he is incompetently diagnosed, and comes to realize what has happened to him and to society. He is arrested for not having a bar code tattoo to pay for his doctors appointment, and after being assigned the grossly incompetent Frito as his lawyer, he is sent to prison. Rita returns to her former profession. Joe is renamed Not Sure by a faulty tattooing machine, and takes an IQ test before tricking the guards into letting him escape. Once free, Joe asks Frito whether a time machine exists to return him to 2005, and bribes him with promises of riches through compound interest on a bank account Joe will open in the 21st century. Frito knows of one, and leads him with Rita to a gigantic Costco store, where a tattoo scanner identifies Joe. He is apprehended, but is taken to the White House, where he is appointed Secretary of the Interior, on the grounds that his IQ test identified him as the most intelligent person alive. In a speech, President Camacho gives Joe the impossible job of fixing the nations food shortages, Dust Bowls, and crippled economy within a week. Joe discovers that the nations crops are irrigated with a sports drink named Brawndo, whose parent corporation had purchased the FDA, FCC, and USDA. When Joe has the drink replaced with water, Brawndos stock drops to zero, and half of the population lose their jobs, causing mass riots. Joe is sentenced to die in a monster truck demolition derby featuring undefeated Rehabilitation Officer Beef Supreme. The monster truck scene is a callback to the first episode of Beavis and ButtHead, where the two boys observe a 1992 Hyundai Excel, followed by a soft hippytype character Mr. VanDreesen being crushed by a monster truck named The Scrotalizer. Frito and Rita discover that Joes reintroduction of water to the soil has prompted vegetation to grow in the fields. During the televised event they show the sprouting crops on the stadiums display screen, and Camacho gives Joe a full pardon, appointing him Vice President. Joe and Rita find that the time masheen Frito had mentioned is merely an inaccurate, historythemed amusement ride. Following Camachos term, Joe is elected President. Joe and Rita marry and conceive the worlds three smartest children, while Vice President Frito takes eight wives and fathers 32 of the worlds stupidest children.