Self-Compassion , Self-Esteem , and Well-Being

This article focuses on the construct of self-compassion and how it differs from self-esteem. First, it discusses the fact that while self-esteem is related to psychological well-being, the pursuit of high self-esteem can be problematic. Next it presents another way to feel good about oneself: selfcompassion. Self-compassion entails treating oneself with kindness, recognizing one’s shared humanity, and being mindful when considering negative aspects of oneself. Finally, this article suggests that self-compassion may offer similar mental health benefits as self-esteem, but with fewer downsides. Research is presented which shows that self-compassion provides greater emotional resilience and stability than self-esteem, but involves less self-evaluation, ego-defensiveness, and self-enhancement than self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem entails evaluating oneself positively and often involves the need to be special and above average, self-compassion does not entail selfevaluation or comparisons with others. Rather, it is a kind, connected, and clear-sighted way of relating to ourselves even in instances of failure, perceived inadequacy, and imperfection. Imagine that you’re an amateur singer-songwriter, and you invite your friends and family to see you perform at a nearby coffeehouse that showcases local talent. After the big night you ask everyone how they thought it went. ‘You were average’ is the reply. How would you feel in this scenario? Ashamed, humiliated, like you were a failure? In our incredibly competitive society, being average is unacceptable. We have to be special and above average to feel we have any worth at all. The problem, of course, is that it is impossible for everyone to be above average at the same time. This means that we tend to inflate our self-evaluations (Alicke & Sedikides, 2009) and put others down so that we can feel superior in comparison (Tesser, 1999) – all in the name of maintaining our selfesteem. For instance, research has shown that fully 90% of drivers think they’re more skilled than their road mates (Preston & Harris, 1965) – even people who’ve recently caused a car accident think they’re superior drivers! This paper will argue that striving for high self-esteem can sometimes be counterproductive, and that self-compassion may offer a healthier and more sustainable way to feel good about oneself. First, however, I will consider some of the problems with seeing self-esteem as the ultimate marker of psychological health. Psychology and Self-Esteem: A Love Affair Self-esteem is an evaluation of our worthiness as individuals, a judgment that we are good, valuable people. William James, one of the founding fathers of Western psychology, argued that self-esteem was an important aspect of mental health. According to James, self-esteem is a product of ‘perceived competence in domains of importance’ (James, 1890). This means that self-esteem is derived from thinking we’re good at things that have significance to us, but not those we don’t personally value (e.g., one teen male Social and Personality Psychology Compass 5/1 (2011): 1–12, 10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x a 2011 The Author Social and Personality Psychology Compass a 2011 Blackwell Publishing Ltd may invest his self-esteem in being a good football player but not a high-achieving student, whereas the opposite may be true for another teen). Charles Horton Cooley, an early sociologist, proposed that feelings of self-worth also stem from the ‘looking glass self’ – our perceptions of how we appear in the eyes of others (Cooley, 1902). Interestingly, self-esteem is often impacted more powerfully by the opinions of acquaintances than close others (Harter, 1999), meaning that the foundations of self-esteem can be vague and ill-formed. (After all, how well do we really know acquaintances’ opinions and how well do they really know us?) Psychologists’ interest in self-esteem has grown exponentially over the years, with more than 15,000 journal articles written about the topic (Baumeister, 1998). The vast majority of articles argue that self-esteem is positively associated with adaptive outcomes (see Pyszczynski, Greenberg, Solomon, Arndt, & Schimel, 2004, for a review). There have been several large-scale programs to promote self-esteem in the schools (Mecca, Smelser, & Vasconcellos, 1989). Many self-esteem programs for school kids, however, tend to emphasize indiscriminate praise. Elementary schools in particular assume that their mission is to raise the self-esteem of their pupils, to prepare children for success and happiness later on in life. For this reason, they discourage teachers from making critical remarks to young children because of the damage it might do to their self-esteem (Twenge, 2006). The desire to raise children’s self-esteem has led to some serious grade inflation: 48% of high school students received an A average in 2004, as compared to 18% in 1968 (Sax et al., 2004). The question is, however, is all this emphasis on raising self-esteem necessarily a good thing? Pitfalls Along the Way Recent reviews of the research literature suggest that self-esteem may not be the panacea it’s made out to be (Baumeister, Campbell, Krueger, & Vohs, 2003; Crocker & Park, 2004). First, it should be noted that self-esteem is often highly resistant to change, and that most programs designed to raise self-esteem fail (Swann, 1996). It also appears that self-esteem is largely the outcome of doing well, not the cause of doing well. For instance, self-esteem appears to be the result rather than the cause of improved academic performance (Baumeister et al., 2003). The problem does not necessarily rest with self-esteem itself. It is certainly better to feel worthy and proud than worthless and ashamed. More problematic is what people do to get and keep a sense of high self-esteem (Crocker & Park, 2004). For instance, the desire to have high self-esteem is associated with self-enhancement bias (Sedikides & Gregg, 2008), meaning that people see themselves more positively than they actually are. While Taylor and Brown (1988) have argued that positive illusions enhance psychological well-being, it is also the case that such biases can obscure needed areas of improvement (e.g., maybe those drivers who recently caused a car accident should learn to drive more carefully!) Self-esteem is also associated with the better-than-average effect, otherwise known as ‘The Lake Woebegone Effect’ (Maxwell & Lopus, 1994). (Garrison Keillor famously describes the fictional town of Lake Wobegon as a place where ‘all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.’) Research shows that most people think they are funnier, more logical, more popular, better looking, nicer, more trustworthy, wiser and more intelligent than others (Alicke & Govorun, 2005). The need to feel superior in order to feel okay about oneself means that the pursuit of high self-esteem may involve puffing the self up while putting others down. 2 Self-Compassion, Self-Esteem, and Well-Being a 2011 The Author Social and Personality Psychology Compass 5/1 (2011): 1–12, 10.1111/j.1751-9004.2010.00330.x Social and Personality Psychology Compass a 2011 Blackwell Publishing Ltd Not surprisingly, perhaps, people who are prejudiced often have a positive self-concept. The reason they feel so good about themselves is precisely because they believe their own group is superior to others (Crocker, Thompson, McGraw, & Ingerman, 1987; Fein & Spencer, 1997). Those with high self-esteem may sometimes get angry and aggressive towards others – especially if they aren’t given the respect they think they deserve (Baumeister, Smart, & Boden, 1996). Moreover, they may dismiss negative feedback as unreliable or biased, or else blame poor performance on others. As a result, they may take less personal responsibility for actions and develop an inaccurate self-concept, hindering potential growth (Sedikides, 1993). The emphasis placed on self-esteem in our society has also led to a worrying trend: The narcissism scores of college students have climbed steeply since 1987, with 65% percent of modern-day students scoring higher in narcissism than previous generations (Twenge, Konrath, Foster, Campbell, & Bushman, 2008). Not coincidentally, students’ average self-esteem level rose by an even greater margin over the same period. Although narcissists have extremely high self-esteem and are quite happy much of the time, they also have inflated, unrealistic conceptions of their own attractiveness, competence, and intelligence, feeling entitled to special treatment (Twenge & Campbell, 2009). Their inflated egos are easily pricked, causing them to retaliate against perceived offenders (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998). Narcissists also tend to drive people away over time due to their egocentric tendencies (Campbell & Buffardi, 2008). While narcissism is an extreme form of self-esteem, it should be remembered that the problems associated with the need to get and keep self-esteem apply to non-narcissists as well (Crocker & Park, 2004). Not only is the pursuit of self-esteem potentially linked to bloated self-views, it may pose problems when it is contingent on particular outcomes (Crocker, Luhtanen, Cooper, & Bouvrette, 2003). Global self-esteem often rests on evaluations of self-worth in domains such as appearance, academic ⁄work performance, or social approval (Harter, 1999). This means that skills important for life success are sometimes neglected in order to maintain high self-esteem (like the teen male who spends most of his time playing football rather than studying or doing his homework because his self-esteem is more invested in being a good football player). This type of contingent self-esteem can be unstable, fluctuating according to our latest success or failure. Contingent self-esteem drives people to obsess about the implications of negative events for self-worth, making them more vulner