Topic: parenting

Question: I don't know how to communicate with my adult daughter
There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat.    She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health.
   I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

Answer (from Dr Traci KochendorferTime for you to " Claim IT" with over 15 years in health and wellness, Ph.D Psy.D D.D. F.P.L.C. recognized on TV and Magazines,):
Not much to go on.  Her age medical etc.  This can be frustrating seeing a loved one sick.  Find what interests her or has an influence over her.  If you know why...maybe try and allow her to heal.  Presents things in front of her that give her no choice but to focus on instead of what has put her in this state.  What brings her joy? Good luck

Answer (from Pamela SuraciBuild on your strengths, grow in your challenge areas and improve your life!):
That sounds awful, and is clearly unsustainable.  There are some great answers that give some guidance about what might be an underlying condition.  If all physical and mental health issues are ruled out, it's time to take action.  Get backup from friends or family members if you need to, but let your daughter know you are giving her 30 days notice.  She needs to find another place to live within that time.  If she wants to stay with you, be clear that first she has to go, with a potential to return after she has been out for a good chunk of time.  Once out, she can prove to you, and more importantly to herself, that she is capable of maintaining her health and her environment.  Remember, you are going to rule out issues that would make it impossible for her to be successful; if she is in good health, her staying with you and living this way is actually harming her.

Answer (from Robin K. SchnitzlerCouples reclaiming connection!):
This sounds like a painful situation, where you care about your daughter and want to help, yet you feel helpless to do so. I'm sorry you are going through this. You do not mention how old your daughter is, which makes a huge difference in my mind as to how to approach this. If she is a minor, then you have a responsibility for her health and wellbeing. If she is 18 or older, this shifts a bit. I would suggest slowing everything down and consider your goals. If you continue to require her to behave differently every time you interact, she will likely continue to tune you out. However, if you choose to prioritize your relationship and connection to her, there are other approaches. These include taking an interest in her, as a person. Being willing to talk with her without making any suggestions, and if possible, withholding judgment about what she is doing or not doing. This takes practice and tremendous control because of our tendency as parents to want to fix what's wrong. Best wishes.

Answer (from Ian Palombo#ThoughtMediator & #LifeUntangler):
It can be difficult to find ways to talk to your children, or to get them to talk to you. Although it's difficult, it's not impossible; read on to find out how to get your adult child to talk to you.Learn to ListenTake the time to listen to them when they want to talk. Instead of saying you'll talk to them later, step away from what you're doing and listen to what they have to say. Don't talk, interrupt or be quick to offer advice; just listen. Put Yourself in Their ShoesAs you listen, your knee jerk response may be to quickly resolve their issue, offer advice or maybe even dismiss their complaints or opinions. Put yourself in your teen's shoes; think about how you would feel if your spouse responded to you the way you respond to them.Watch for SignsEveryone has a desire to be heard and understood. Mirror back to them what you hear them saying. Watch for signs that they're not being heard or understood by you. They might roll their eyes, shake their head, wave their hand at you or interrupt. When they're nodding and/or silent, you'll know you've understood.Ask Specific QuestionsAsk specific questions rather than general "how was your day?" questions. Ask questions about a friend you know by name. Ask open ended questions such as, "What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst thing?"Location, Location, LocationWhen and where you try to talk to your kid matters. One of the worst times to talk to kids is after work. Just like you do after work, they need wind-down time. Instead, ask questions around the dinner table. It's casual, and there's no pressure for eye contact. [wpforms id="60"]

Answer (from Mirella Caro-CortesHelping Families & Marriages Repair, Recover & Thrive):
Hello, I know that your situation is frustrating and debilitating.  It sounds like she either has a medical or mental condition.  She needs help, and for the sounds of it, you want to help her.  I suggest that you take the time to contemplate the best way and time to approach her.  Rehearse ahead of time what you want her to hear and what the end goal is.  I know it might seem like a lot of work for you to do and perhaps you even feel frustrated about that, but the only way you will reach her is if you approach it in a way she hears your concern and desire to help her.  Be prepared with facts and places to go for help.  The better prepared you are, the better the chances of her to act on it.  Remind her how much you love her and how it is not healthy for her or for the relationship for this to continue.  With lots of love and patience, you can make a difference.  Stay Strong!Best of luck to you and your daughter, Mirella~

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I'm sorry for what sounds like a frustrating situation.For how long has your daughter lived the way you describe and did it start all of a sudden or more gradually come on?What you write sounds like a major depressive disorder and this can start for a variety of reasons and improve in just as many different ways.Start with how you are feeling about the situation.  Ask yourself for how long you will be able to tolerate the way your daughter lives and if you feel any satisfaction in your mother daughter relationship.If she is of legal age, and you don't want her to live with you,  you've tried convincing her to get medical care for its own sake and to more clearly see her emotional and psychological health, and she is unwilling to take care of herself, you can discuss your options with the adult protective services agency in your state.The first step is to know what exactly is her problem so you can decide if its own you are willing to take care of or not.