Topic: social-relationships

Question: How can I become more understanding?

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I like your beautiful question!Start by understanding yourself and your own inner knowledge of who you are and what direction your life must take in order for you to feel comfortable and fulfilled.Understanding oneself is a life long activity, even a necessity so that you are able to sense the truth of another person.As long as you are taking steps in the direction of self-knowing, you will gradually improve and increase the way and the range of understanding of other people and our world.Good luck with your project!

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Man, I love this goal. We could all use a bit more of this. Sometimes I picture it like a salt shaker. I'll write an email, then I'll read it again from the receiver's perspective and sprinkle a bit more understanding on it, and I always like it better. Understanding...compassion...empathy...the world could use a lot more of these things and I love that you want to do your part.What makes you want to be more understanding? Maybe you want to get closer to someone and resentment is in the way? Maybe you tend to get defensive and have trouble listening to and understanding someone? Whatever the reason, let's get you started by having you write down those things in a list. What things will be better in your life if you have more understanding? Get really grounded in why you're doing this. Then let's look at the barriers. What do you risk if you're more understanding? Do you risk feeling vulnerable? Hurt? Attacked? Powerless? Feeling like you're losing? In therapy, you would get help looking at these questions. What are you avoiding feeling? Once you have this answer, then you can easily move to the next step.The next step is working to tolerate that feeling you're avoiding. Tolerating it, and "leaning into it", knowing that it's only a feeling and not a reality...these thoughts can help you relax enough to take that wall down and allow space for other people's truths, not just yours. Once you know where you want to be with your thoughts, it takes practise, repetition, to teach yourself new truths about how safe it is to allow yourself to be more understanding and let the wall come down. It's my guess that, at some point in your life, there was a reason for that wall of yours to be built. Sometimes we build walls as young people and then no one tells us how to take the wall down once we don't need it anymore. We think we still need it. I invite you to consider therapy as you explore these ideas. I wish you the best.