Topic: self-esteem

Question: Why do I feel like I can never meet people's expectations?
I feel like every time I do something someone asks me to, I never fully meet what they want. I feel that when I finish it, they always think that they should have picked someone else to do it. I feel like they just want nothing to do with me.

Answer (from Ben BraaksmaMental Health Counselor):
It sounds like you have the perception that people are frequently disappointed in you, wish you were different or someone else, and ultimately reject you. One question I would have for you is what is your evidence that people feel this way? Is there anything in people's words or behaviors that gives you this impression? If your not sure, it may be useful for you to try to notice what people say and do in response to you, even though you perceive these attitudes within them. Additionally, working with a competent therapist may be a great way to get an answer to your question as well as developing ways to move forward with that answer and gain a sense of self-esteem and security in your relationships.One possibility that comes to mind, of which there may be more, is that as we grow up, we often develop relational templates, or sets of expectations about how people are and will relate to us, which influence our experiences and behavior in relationships. Sometimes the templates that we develop to stay connected growing up are not particularly adaptive for adult life and can hamper our self-esteem and capacity for comfortable intimacy as an adult. You ask a great question here, and one that can be very hard to see through, given the difficulty of feeling that people think of you in this way, and I hope that you will stay curious about this and consider working with a therapist who is trained to help you discover the answer.

Answer (from Evan Podolak, PsyDCognitive Behavioral Therapist):
It is not unusual to believe that we know what other people are thinking about and feeling towards us.  These beliefs, which can sometimes be quite upsetting, are based on our own life experiences, including previous interactions with family, friends and strangers.  No matter how good we think we are at "reading" others, we don't usually know what someone else is thinking.  Additionally, low self-esteem may lead us to assume that we could never meet others' expectations or that other people couldn't possibly have positive thoughts about or feelings towards us.  Assumptions like these may unnecessarily lead to negative emotional states.  One method of coping with these thoughts is cultivating a sense of curiosity.  For example, asking for direct feedback may point out the overly critical nature of our own thoughts.  Another technique is to use a balanced self-appraisal.  For example, you could ask yourself, "What did I do well here and what would I do differently in the future?"  This approach has the benefit of recognizing our own strengths while also employing a growth mindset.  Additionally, by using a present-focused appraisal, we avoid engaging in the belief that we should have done better in the past.  Rather, we have the opportunity to improve with the information we learn in the present.  A therapist may also be helpful in exploring and coping with these thoughts.

Answer (from Sonya WilsonLicensed Professional Counselor):
As long as you try to reach others expectations you will never feel satisfied or accepted.  How about setting your own expectations for self and strive for those.  Make sure your expectations are reachable and realistic.