Topic: relationships

Question: How can I deal with a “crush” in a relationship?
I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year. This past week she admitted to me that she has feelings for another guy. She says it’s “just a crush” but I don't know how to cope with it.    How should I deal with this?

Answer (from Lauren Ostrowski, MA, LPC, NCC, BC-TMH, CCTP, CCHI tailor my therapeutic approach to each client's strengths and goals):
Thanks for writing in. Several things come to mind:I don't know how you are communicating, but there is a great deal of difference between communicating through videoconferencing compared to text message when discussing subjects like this. Being able to hear and/or see each other will help you to be able to gauge a lot of the emotions connected to what is going on.Are you in a place where you can ask your girlfriend questions about this crush and actually listen to her answers? If you can listen non-defensively and ask questions about what is actually going on (kind of like an investigative reporter might), you are likely to hear about her experience, thoughts, feelings, etc., so you can actually see what the crush is like for her and how you want to react to that.Then you could see if she is willing to listen to your questions and answer them for you.Another tip: Find out when is a good time to have this conversation. If you are talking to your girlfriend after she just worked a 10 hour shift and she is frustrated about that, it is likely that the emotion will transfer to the conversation that you are having even though it doesn't have anything to do with that.Find a way to keep yourself grounded and centered during the conversation. Notice your feet on the floor or your hips in the chair. Mindfully play with an object or something like a paperclip or a pen. Doing this mindfully (by being aware of your senses) will help you to not feel so overwhelmed during the conversation.After you have more details, communicate about what it is that you want or wish for. It is often easier to hear and discuss as opposed to talking about something that you need.Remember that while anger is a very real emotion, there is always something else under it. Be aware of what else could be there: hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear, etc.

Answer (from Cimberly R. NeskerRegistered Psychotherapist (3579)):
Often, communication is the key within relationships. When faced with our significant other telling us about a “crush”, it can create or highlight feelings or thoughts that can promote feelings of insecurity. Talk to your partner about their crush and use the conversation to strengthen your bond.

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Discuss with her boundaries and discuss what would occur if this “crush” becomes more than originally anticipated.  Decide what you would do individually if any of this occurs.   Ask yourself, if you trust her especially given the long distance.  Open, candid conversations would be crucial as you go thru this process.

Answer (from Dr. Bonnie HowellNow in St. Petersburg, Fl):
You didn't define "long distance" or the specific circumstances leading up to it.  That having been said, if there is any way you could precipitate a Face to Face, even if it's by Zoom, FaceTime, Skype or the like.  You two need to have an honest discussion about how long distance is working out for both of you, and she would do well to define "feelings" and I'd want to know more about "just a crush."  Sure we sometimes have passing fantasies about someone, probably human nature, long distance relationships may be more prone to letting those fantasies cross over into reality.  Without being confrontational (and I do know what I'm asking), suggest that you get together to talk about what she's going through, why she thinks this crush came up, and whether it might impact on the relationship between the two of you.  So you have an agenda.  Before that conversation, listen to your own head and heart, do you trust her implicitly, do you love her unconditionally, and does she feel the same about you.  You get to both ask and answer this question "How would you feel if I said that same thing to you" and you're going to tell her how you do feel.  Best of luck to you, not an easy one.

Answer (from Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind):
She actually told you that!? You guys must have created a great amount of safety in your relationship where she felt safe enough to disclose something so intimate for her to you. First question is how do you feel about that knowledge? What is coming up for you? Where do you feel it in your body? I'm curious about these questions, I wonder what you fear about having this knowledge. What does this remind you of? What is your deep limbic system letting you know? Notice whatever it is! Look for a therapist who does brainspotting to to go further so that your subcortical brain can continue to figure out how to deal with this. Hopefully this helps!

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
No one can tell you how to deal with your own relationship, even a therapist. But, you should absolutely give your girlfriend the respect of believing both of those statements she gives you: development of feelings and it being a "crush." If that makes you feel a certain way (mistrustful? no difference in feelings) then that is what is most important to understand. When you understand exactly how YOU feel about hearing this news, then we can know how you should deal with this.You have every right to be in the relationship or to leave the relationship. But if trust is broken, first and foremost it needs repairing. What that repair looks like varies (but can often involve couples therapy, which may be complicated because of the long-distance nature of the relationship.) Otherwise, staying in a relationship that has become mistrustful for you, and not prioritizing the repair, is a recipe for disaster.

Answer (from Carmy Howard, LMHC, DCCChange is possible one session at a time):
Long distance relationships have the addition strain of being far away.  It sounds like you and your girlfriend overcame the initial challenges considering that you’ve been together for over a year and she was honest in telling you about her crush.  These are some clear strengths in your relationship.  Now moving forward, continuing to have honest conversations about your relationship will help ensure you two are on the same page.  Explore with her how this crush came about and what her feelings are about this relationship.  Be prepared for the answers and express your feelings as well.  You’ve invested over a year in this relationship, it may be worth figuring out how to mend it.  Ignoring this issue will potentially lead to other issues.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Did your girlfriend tell you her reason to tell you about the new person?Your feelings of insecurity is natural because you don't know where the crush fits into her life.Since any long-lasting relationship in which both people thrive, means each partner freely speaks their mind and will be listened and responded, then your current situation is a good one to start these foundations of talking with one another.Tell your girlfriend whatever is on your mind regarding her crush.   As your trusted partner, theoretically she would like to know all about how you feel.Keep the expectation that talking about anything at all, is the best sign of closeness.Once you learn more about this crush you can decide what, if anything to do differently in your relationship.