Topic: relationships

Question: How do I communicate with my boyfriend of ten years without him feeling like I'm attacking him?

Answer (from Vladimire CalixteRelationship Therapist in NYC):
To follow please find some tips on getting your message across to each other, which will help you both stay emotionally connected in a healthy respectful way!Step 1: Start with I...+ feeling (For example, I feel angry because...)Step 2: About what... (Not describing your partner but the situation.) Step 3: What needed...(How partner make it better) We want to be soft on the person but hard on the issue. Directing the complaint towards the situation rather than your partner always works. It is important for us to be soft on the person, but tough on the issue.  And at the end, say what can be done to make things right.I am wishing you and your boyfriend the very best.

Answer (from Rebecca WongRelationship Therapist & Connectfulness Consultant):
Such an awesome question! The research of Dr. John Gottman shows that there are 4 negative communication patterns that many couples find themselves in that create conflict: criticism, defensiveness, contempt & stonewalling. Distilled down, what you can focus on doing is starting up your conversations gently, taking responsibility, talk about your needs rather and pay attention to your own need for self soothing. Watch this brief video to learn more.Having said that, this is stuff that some couples do naturally and that others need counseling to learn, and then there are also couples who, at no fault of their own, don't mesh. Often when our partner's feel attacked it's could be for one of a few reasons. 1) you are being mean 2) you triggered an old wound. Most of the time it's #2. As Dr. Gottman says, most couples disconnect because of 'mindlessness, not malice.' Learning how to tune into one another and get past your own stuffs, that's what forms the foundation for lasting relationships.