Topic: spirituality

Question: How can I help my fiancé accept and let go of my past?
My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the "straight and narrow" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others.    His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?

Answer (from Dr Traci KochendorferTime for you to " Claim IT" with over 15 years in health and wellness, Ph.D Psy.D D.D. F.P.L.C. recognized on TV and Magazines,):
Seek deliverance from parts of your past you’re struggling to let go. Ask the Holy Spirit or Higher Power to help you mentally take those past experiences and lay them in trust at the foot of the cross for Jesus to handle. Acknowledge that holding onto the past is sin because it keeps you from obeying God’s call to move on. As you will see in the two verses I will list below, Jesus and the apostle Paul are telling us that we have to learn how to let go of our past. Jesus says that anyone who is trying to move forward in his walk and call for God – but keeps looking back – is not fit for the kingdom of God.  But loves you and you are a child of the most high and it is time to cleanse and strip away this resentment.  There are energy medicine and EFT exercises that I could show you.  I will send him some positive vibes 🙌✨

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Investigating how holding on to the past serves him and working to forgive the past, even grieve what could have been, while embracing the future. He could if he is open to it see a therapist.  Perhaps he can rewrite (symbolically) the past and project a more positive stance or feeling towards it.

Answer (from Kellie Spear, LCMHC, LMFTCompassionate online support & encouragement ):
Although it is difficult to move forward from past regrets, it is important for the health of your relationship that you find a way to reconcile this. A conversation with your fiance that focuses on what is good in your relationship and what makes it worth fighting for can help as a launching point for digging into the wounds from past choices/decisions. You cannot undo what has been done, and if both of you have past regrets let this be something that you begin to share with one another in a spirit of transparency. Healing begins when you can be honest with one another about your feelings and ask one another what is needed to move forward. If you are part of a church seek fellowship with other believers who will support you individually and as a couple.  Reflect back on what your Christian background taught about God's forgiveness, what does that mean to you and to your fiance? Trust and commitment are essential in any dating/marital relationship. If your fiance is feeling insecure as a result of your past, help him to feel more secure by ensuring him of your love and commitment to him and the relationship.  Consider pre-marital counseling as well if you have not already done so. It will give you and your fiance a safe place to process this further and build a solid foundation for your relationship as you move towards marriage. I hope that you and your fiance will find healing as you work through this and God's peace in your future together.

Answer (from Brandon CoussensCouples Counseling, Premarital Counseling and Sex Therapy):
Our actions unfortunately cannot be undone, and we all do things we regret. It is sometimes very hard for others to see past our worst behaviors and trying to force them to move forward or "get over them" doesn't usually work. Your fiance is probably grieving the losses and consequences that come with what have happened. I know that may be hard to understand, but desired a virgin for a wife, then he has to grieve the loss of that dream coming true. Also, if he is struggling with you having had sex with another person before, then he will need he may not be able to accept that. All of that to say, as a counselor who helps people everyday with sexual, relational and spiritual issues, I believe it may be helpful for you to help him grieve and connect with the tragedy of your past. Grieve with him. Let him know that you hurt too and wish you could have provided that for him. Listen to his heart and allow him to speak his pain. And after that, ask him to pray with you and do devotions with you. Encourage him to see a therapist. If ya'll are Christians, there are Christian therapists who can help him uncover the blocks that may be hindering him from moving forward.

Answer (from Mirella Caro-CortesHelping Families & Marriages Repair, Recover & Thrive):
For you and your fiance to move past this, he needs to accept you just the way you are.  Being that you mentioned that you both come from a Christian background, maybe you could start there, he needs to forgive and trust your love for him.  His insecurities stem from something bigger than you not being a virgin.  Since this is the man, you are willing to spend the rest of your life with, be patient and help him find the help he needs.  Talk about your commitment to him and reassure him that your history does not have to affect your relationship.  Lastly, Pre-Marital Counseling can help you and him to open up about other things that might affect the marriage later.God Bless You Both, Mirella~

Answer (from David Mora- M.A. LPCA helpful listening ear):
You might ask your fiance about people who have let him down in the past; past hurts from parents, friends, people he has dated. If you are speaking about jealousy he may come from a divorced parent upbringing, may have seen parents cheat on one or the other, may have had partners cheat on him in the past.  He may have fears that you may go off the "straight and narrow" once you get married. Listen to any concerns with patience and understanding, avoid being defensive. I would highly encourage pre-marital counseling to explore these things and individual counseling for himself to work on fears and anxieties. If he refuses and things do not improve I would consider postponing the wedding, things will not get better once you get married, only magnified.  Finally show him Bible passages about forgiveness and worry and leaning on God with faith and hope for the future.    God bless.

Answer (from Allison VelezIs your relationship worth it?):
You are right that his insecurities are at the root of the issue.  You cannot change that for him.  He will have to do the work to handle those emotions on his own.  What you can do is reassure him in whatever ways possible, but always recognizing that you can't "fix" this for him.  When I work with people who struggle with their partner's past experiences, I always frame it like this:  Everything that you've experienced has resulted in you being the person you are today.  The person they claim to love.  If you had not gone through some of those experiences, you would not be in the position you're in now, ready to commit to him and know that you're satisfied with that.  Just as when bad things happen to us, we have to find a way to appreciate the lessons learned your fiance has to accept that you're the person you are today because of what you have gone through.  Celebrate that you have moved through that and have landed in this perfect position with him!Hope that helps, Allison