Topic: family-conflict

Question: What can I do about my family not accepting me as bisexual?
After I told them, they yelled at me.

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. I am very sorry that this was your experience with your family. I truly wish I could give you some things to say to them that would change their reaction, but unfortunately I can't do that. Their acceptance of you is a journey, just like coming out is a journey for you. Sometimes families initially respond this way, but after time they become more accepting and even supportive. Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure if that will happen. So, here are a few things I would suggest:Surround yourself with people and things that remind you that you really are okay as you are. That won't take the place of your family's acceptance, and I won't even pretend that it would, but it may help during those days when it hurts the most. And that is really important. Patience is not something that many of us are really good at, but this type of situation sometimes forces you to have some. When families first learn something like this, they may go through a period of shock. And then sometimes even grieving. They may even be worried if they are of a particular religion where being bisexual is forbidden. These things can take time for them to reconcile, so it may just take some patience. If it is safe for you, try to talk to them, but if it becomes painful or hurtful then you have the right to walk away. I do recommend setting up some personal boundaries for yourself, and perhaps learn some assertiveness skills if you feel you struggle with them. The reason I feel that this is important is that people sometimes take a lot of abuse from family members and friends in times like you're describing. They may want to be accepted so much that they put themselves in hurtful positions over and over again hoping that their families will come around. They may, or they may not. And if they don't, you deserve to live a life free of abuse and to feel confident and assured of who you are. To be surrounded by folks who remind you of that. If you start seeing this pattern and you are struggling, chatting with counselor may be a great idea. I am bias probably, but I think chatting with a counselor is ALWAYS a good idea. :) Hope this helps. Be well. Be you. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

Answer (from Dr. Meredyth LawrynceServing Clients Nationwide):
Sending you healing vibes as you endure their being unaccepting. I wanted to share this video about coming out Coming OutI know it is hard when those we love do not accept us as we are.  One thing to ask, is this something that you need their approval around?  Owning who you are regardless of what others say sometimes helps.  This may not be a part of your life you can share with them.  We all have areas we have strong beliefs. Ideally, they would accept you no matter what but that does not seem to be the case.  Deciding if this is a deal-breaker, or can you work around it, not sharing this part of your life, and understanding we cannot force people to embrace what they do not want to embrace.  You get to live your life as you see fit and be happy. You deserve joy and to live authentically!   If you are confident in your choice, choose your choice, own that, and set boundaries around it.  You do not have to live your life for others.  Loving yourself and being convicted in your choice regardless of others will be beneficial. Many in your situation have created a soul family of people who accept and love them or who they are, and you deserve that community.  Stay Safe,  and always do what would keep you safe, and with the necessities you need.

Answer (from Fred RogersQue Sera Sera Counseling ):
To be able to accept, they need to be sensitized that being bisexual isnt wrong ! After sensitization too, they might not be able to accept but your life should move on. Self-acceptance is the key. Coming out in itself needs so much strength and courage, that which you have !

Answer (from Michele RameyMRTherapy, LLC- Because Help Is One Of A Kind):
Acceptance is something we cannot control. I would work with someone who can do family systems, even if your family never comes to therapy, you still need to process how the system has changed, or maybe it hasn't changed, maybe there is more realization and you need to process that. I'm sorry they yelled, is that a common response to change in your family? Also, do you accept you? That's the first step! We can only accept the things that we cannot control. Maybe they are not aware of that! They are processing this "new" information. Are you willing to give it some time? Hopefully this helps!

Answer (from Philippe BowerHealing with Philippe):
Coming out to our family can be one of the scariest and bravest things we as LGBTQ do. Sadly, sometimes these family members may not understand or even become scared for us and can lash out by yelling. One thing you may do is to give them time to process their personal emotions. Another thing you may do is to offer to provide local resources such as PFLAG to help educate them. Finally, I would like to mention that you may need to also prepare for your family never accepting your sexuality. This may happen if your family has deep-rooted religious ideas about sexuality.  Whatever happens, I would suggest that you create a support structure of the family that does understand, friends that are understanding, and even a counselor or minister to help you work through your personal emotions. Namaste

Answer (from Nathan Brandon, Psy.D.Doctor of Clinical Psychology ):

Answer (from Christina McGrath Fair"Enlightenment is when a wave realizes it is the ocean." -Thich Nhat Hanh):
I am sorry to read that this happened to you. If your family is not supportive of you, this can be a huge challenge. Are you dependent on them in some way (financially, etc.)? This could affect choices you make at this point. Make sure you connect with a supportive community or people and organizations that are afforming of you and your identity. If you are unable to receive support from your family, you can lean on them if necessary. If you feel your family needs more information you can always refer them to appropriate websites and organizations that can help them to understand that this is natural and normal and learn the negative effects of non-affirming people in the life of LGBTQ+ individuals.

Answer (from Lindsey Brooks, PhD PsychologistProgressive Therapy San Francisco):
I am so sorry to hear this has been your family’s reaction. It is truly heartbreaking to hear. The important thing to remember is that your identity as bisexual is valid and you are worthy of love, no matter what other people say.The other therapists below have given you some great advice on how to cope with your family's reaction and how to manage the pain you are feeling. I wanted add to their responses by sharing a few resources on ways to connect with bisexual community.To know you are not alone. To see yourself reflected in others. To hear others stories of how they have coped. These things can help you stay strong during difficult times. I hope these resources can do some of that for you.Online blogs, resources, and stories: https://bisexual.org/, https://www.binetusa.org/Find a Bisexual support group: https://www.binetusa.org/bi-groups-in-the-usBisexual Podcast- https://www.binetusa.org/the-bicast Find Bi-Affirming Professionals in your area - http://bizone.org/bap/In Solidarity,-Lindsey