Topic: depression

Question: How can I get my husband to listen to my needs and talk to me?
I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad."
   How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

Answer (from Kaileen McMickle, MS, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor):
That's so tough that you are feeling unheard and unsupported in your marriage.  Depression is already a grueling experience and doing it alone can feel miserable.It's hard to know what will get through to him because I don't know a lot about your dynamic.  Has there been a time in the past he has listened to you?  Does he tend to feel responsible for your emotions, whether or not that pressure comes from you?  Men, by nature, tend to be fixers more so than women.  He may feel as if you are asking him to fix you, when in reality you just want his support.  Could defining what you are looking for help?It sounds like what you really want is to be validated by him.  Sometimes clearly defining your needs can send a message that you aren't out to prove how you feel--you just want your emotions heard. That doesn't mean he will respond the way you want, but voicing your needs is so important in any relationship.The other option here is, of course, marriage therapy.  Men do tend to shy away from this option, but it could help with the communication piece.No matter his responses, keep taking care of you.  You are obviously dedicated to getting your needs met, which is a wonderful way to try to help yourself!

Answer (from Ian Palombo#ThoughtMediator & #LifeUntangler):
When you first fell in love, you could never imagine that someday the sound of your partner chewing could make you want to scream. It’s inevitable that once we are out of our honeymoon phase and reality sets in, we realize that all relationships take work and compromise. But while some relationships may hit bumps in the road every so often, other couples find themselves in bigger trouble, with neither party knowing exactly how to fix things. What are the signs it's time to try relationship counseling?If you are in a relationship that is no longer feeling healthy, here are 5 signs that it may be time to try relationship counseling:1. There is No Longer Healthy CommunicationOnce you have a communication breakdown, you are unable to rationally share thoughts, feelings, and concerns with each other. Beyond this, unhealthy communication tends to leave one or both partners feeling depressed, angry and hopeless.2. Trust Has Been BrokenWhen there has been infidelity, it is very difficult for the couple to rebuild trust and repair the damage. While there is no magic pill to recover from an affair, a therapist can offer tools and strategies to rebuild trust.3. You’re More Like RoommatesIf you and your partner act more like roommates than romantic partners, this indicates a lack of intimacy and a potential need for professional help.4. One or Both of You Has Begun Acting OutYou try to mask your real feelings for as long as possible, but then you start to act out the hurt and resentment you may be feeling. For instance, if your partner has been unfaithful and you have agreed to stay in the relationship and work things out. But over time you find yourself lashing out, acting rude and trying to make them believe you are having an affair so they will feel the same kind of hurt. This acting out is unhealthy for both people and is a BIG indicator you need to seek some help.5. When the Only “Solution” Seems to be Separation/DivorceA break from negative energy can be very helpful to the relationship. But when a temporary break leads to more and more time away from home and someone renting their own apartment, this indicates a need for counseling. Spending time away from home usually doesn’t lead to any real resolution, just more distance.If you and your partner are interested in exploring  options, reach out! Schedule a free consultation with our in-house relationship expert to discuss how they may be able to help.

Answer (from Shelly Kessingerwww.friendswoodmarriagecounseling.com):
Ouch. It's really hard to deal with a spouse that isn't taking you seriously. In this case, I would plan for and schedule a time to talk with him about this. I would tell him that you need about 30 minutes to talk to him with minimal interruptions about something that is important to you. Schedule a time, write notes if you need reminders about what you need to express, and tell him how you feel. Ideally, you would focus more on I-statements instead of telling him what he is doing wrong. For example,  I feel ignored vs You always ignore me. By focusing on how you feel, he is less likely to feel attacked and get defensive. Some people go to couples or marriage counseling for help with communication. Chances are there are things that BOTH of you do that hurts your communication. Overall, try to talk to him directly and try not to get defensive. If he continues to say, you're always sad - then stay calm, say "okay, can you help me understand that more?" or "That's interesting. Tell me what you see."  Reach out to a couples counselor for more help with communication strategies. Sometimes a 3rd party can help you both see things in a different perspective. Hope this helps!

Answer (from Jennifer GerlachYour Story Matters):
This is so hard. It is hard for someone to understand what depression is without having experienced it themselves. Unfortunately people without depression sometimes mistake it as feeling sorry for ourselves or just moping around, which is not what depression is at all. Sometimes I think that it is easier for family members to see it as a choice than to admit that someone they love is hurting and they dont know what to do. If  he is willing, I wonder if there may be a depression support group in your area such as NAMI or DBSA where he could hear from from others living with depression and their families. If not, I wonder if you all might watch a documentary together such as No Kidding Me Too or Call me Crazy. If not that, ive sometimes encouraged folk to just leave some information on depression and how family can help like a pamphlet or handout on a table or around the house. We tend to get curious and read things we find on the table. Wishing you the best!

Answer (from Gwendolyn Nelson-Terrywww.GwendolynNelsonTerry.com):
It can be hard for husbands to hear that their wife is unhappy.  By nature men tend to be more of the fix it type.  So if they are sad, they fix it.  If their wife is sad, they fix it.  He may feel helpless to help you and that may be why he is saying those things to you.  It's not that he doesn't care or that he doesn't take them seriously, he might just have no idea how to help.  I would start by making an appointment to talk with a therapist about your sadness.  Meeting with a therapist may help you to learn some tools and strategies that can help you to manage some of the sadness you are feeling.  A therapist can also help you to gain some understanding and insight into why you might be experiencing sadness.  Depression is not something you have to sit with, therapy can help.  Once your husband sees that you are being proactive in addressing your sadness/depression he will probably be more open to listening to you and supporting you.  He might start to have ideas and input on how you two can work together to change some of the situations or things that might be holding you bakc.