Topic: marriage

Question: My husband yells “enough” when I tell him he needs to change
That phrase makes me crazy. It happens anytime I point out something to my husband that he needs to change, such as looking up from his iPad long enough for me to tell him the grandbaby almost pulled the shelf unit over or explaining to him that I got all the things he needs to bake a pie. Another example is when he opens the front door, the dog runs out if he doesn't pick him up. Over and over again, he lets the dog run out, and I am afraid he will get hit by a car.

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
I empathize with your feeling "crazy" hearing your husband yell "enough" in response to you wanting to make a point to him.When the immediate situation has calmed down,  have you ever told him that this upsets you?  Is it possible he simply is not aware that you feel upset by how he talks to you?Keep in mind too that what you believe your husband must change, may not agree with his opinion on what he needs to change.A helpful starting place for the two of you to discuss once the immediate situation has calmed down, is what you each feel would have been a reasonable way of handling the situation that just happened.By learning more about how the other person thinks and feels, it will be easier to know what to expect form each other.Even if you disagree about what is best, knowing that there are differences between you may make living with them easier to accept, or at least not be surprised and startled by them.Sending good luck to both of you!

Answer (from Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT):
It's hard to say what is okay and what is not okay, as it depends on what you and your husband feel is appropriate in your relationship. If you are feeling like you need to walk on eggshells or that you can't speak your mind and say how you feel, then that sounds like a problem. I would recommend having an open discussion with your husband about communication between the two of you in general. Do this during a time when there is little or no conflict and emotions are not heightened. Let him know how you feel and give him specific ideas of how you would like him to respond instead of saying, "enough." Additionally, try and see his perspective and understand why he shuts you down. Perhaps, he feels like he is being told what to do constantly or that he gets little positive feedback from you. An open dialogue about how to discuss issues going forward will likely help. Seeing a couple's therapist will also greatly assist with teaching better communication skills and seeing if there are underlying issues that need resolution. Best of luck to you guys.

Answer (from Ariel Sheeger“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or step back into safety.”~ Abraham Maslow):
It can be maddening when it seems like our partners or spouses are unwilling to hear us—especially when we have been trying for so long to be heard. Being cut off, shut down, or turned away from is very hurtful, particularly when it is a loved one who is doing the turning away.I’m sure you have found that the harder you try to make him hear you, the further away he seems. There are a few things at play here and the situation can be looked at from a few different angles—First, no one likes to hear that they “need to change”. Being confronted with something that someone feels we are doing wrong feels like being criticized and judged—and who responds perfectly to that? The hackles go up, the defenses start rearing their ugly heads, and we dig in our heels. So how do you deal with someone who puts up an instant wall when you are asking something important of them?Consider the tone of your “startup”. When you begin your ask of your husband, is it light and friendly? Is it approachable and warm? Or are you angry, fed-up, and anxiety-ridden from moment one? The way you start the conversation sets the tone for the rest of the conversation, so if you are hoping for a successful conversation, a harsh start up is a poor strategy. Try instead to begin in a way that sets a warmer tone for the conversation. There is no need for you and your husband to be adversaries, is there? You both probably want the same things in many of these interactions at the end of the day, after all. How would you want to be approached? How would you approach a good friend of yours or a work colleague? Is there any reason you should be speaking to him with any less warmth then you would a co-worker or friend?This by itself is not the whole story of course—you may have even tried this. Although, I must say it takes some persistence. Which brings me to the next point—it sounds like you and your husband have already established a push-pull pattern where you push for something and he pulls away and the more you push the more he pulls away. He is likely (as you might be too) already expecting this kind of interaction. This pattern has to be broken. Remaining calm and warm and empathetic to his position (that he is about to be criticized and judged and must therefore defend himself) throughout the entire conversation will help to break that pattern. Imagine his surprise when, where he was expecting an exasperated sigh or a raised voice you instead respond with a kind “yeah, I get that it’s hard to remember to pick up the dog every single time you get the door. I just worry about the dog, you know. I know you care about him too, so I just thought I’d remind you”. And then leave it at that. The next part can be very tough—you really leave it at that. In all likelihood, he is aware that your grandson needs to be looked after or the dog needs to be picked up at the door. Your telling him doesn’t make him any more aware. It only serves to frustrate you, and him, and drive a wedge between you. This is where you get to do the hard work of managing what you can control and what you can’t. You can’t make him pick up the dog any more than you can make the dog sit and stay at the door. But you can control yourself. You can control whether you drive that wedge further between you or let him be responsible for his own actions (or inactions as the case may be).Also, look out for the times when he does something that is “right”. You don’t have to throw a parade every time he remembers to be attentive to your grandson but a simple “thank you” or “that was really nice of you” can really enforce “good behavior” and strengthen your bond. If you find that it is difficult to find times like this right off the bat, look harder. Not only could this do something to brighten things between you from his perspective, it can also help you to feel a little better about things when you are searching for positives as opposed to negatives.Couples counseling can be very useful for understanding these patterns of relating, how to reset them, and gain control over what is available and empowering for you to control. Best of luck!