Topic: relationship-dissolution

Question: How do I let go of someone who continues to hurt me
Ive been in an on an off relationship with a this man for almost 3 years. Even though I care about him, he continues to hurt me.    He and his wife were separated when we met. Now he's going through a really difficult divorce from her and is taking it really hard. I want to end this relationship, but I don't feel like I can. How can I let go?

Answer (from Robin Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCCMental Health in a Primary Care Setting):
Hello, and thank you for your question. Boy, ending relationships is tough, isn't it? Sometimes it's tough even when we are 100% sure that it is the right thing to do!I am going to give you some of my thoughts, and hopefully some colleagues will add some others. One of the things that I want to point out is that "letting go" is not really a thing. In other words, it's not really something you can reach out and grab. It's more of a process. This is good news, because you don't necessarily have to be at the end of the process to end an unhealthy relationship. We just have to accept that there will be feelings that come up even after the relationship is over. For example, someone can end an unhealthy relationship today, but then be reminded of the good times on what would have been their "anniversary." This could make the person very sad. They may even regret ending the relationship for a little while. It would important, then, for the person to remind themselves why the relationship needed to end, and that they are healthier because of it. This is relevant for you. It's hard to walk away from a relationship. We fear all kinds of things, including being single! Sometimes it's helpful to compare what you are getting out of the relationship to what you want from a relationship. It's helpful to be honest about what we have given up for an unhealthy relationship. It's fine to admit uncertainly about ending things. It's okay to be afraid. It's okay to have moments of doubt and sadness along with a dash of guilt. And even with all of that, someone can still leave if it is the healthiest thing for them. They can have sadness later on, and still not go back.It sounds like you are feeling responsible for making sure he is okay because of this divorce. The truth is that there is not necessarily a "perfect" time to end any relationship. There would be no guarantee that he would be doing any better after the divorce. Sometimes NOT making decisions stresses us out A LOT more than making a decision and living with the consequences, both good and bad. You may be at that crossroads. Be well..Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
First decide what you truly would like in the current relationship. Understand your reasons for staying in the relationship.Three years is a substantial amount of time to be involved with someone.   Whatever attachment you feel toward this man is deep and complex.Instead of deciding to leave or not leave, change your question to figuring out your satisfactions and dissatisfaction with the man. Also important is to tell the man your feelings.Whatever problem you are feeling may become clarified by discussing what bothers you.At the very least, you will give the guy a chance to show how interested he actually is in the tension you currently feel and have felt for a while.