Topic: intimacy

Question: How can I get my fiancé to notice me again?
My fiancé and I have almost the best relationship every girl wants, but lately it's changed. I get less attention and little to no intercourse. He works a lot and goes to the gym a lot (he's a football player for an indoor league), but he has no time for me. We live two hours from family, and when I leave home to see family, he'll text me saying "whatever" and "leave me alone." But when we're together, everything is okay. No fighting or anything. I love this man, but I just don't know what to do anymore.

Answer (from Margaret Van AckerenMA, LMFT):
Hello, It doesn't feel good when it seems that your partner no longer cares or cares less for you, especially if your feelings have not changed. It can be scary, frustrating, and lonely. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? I would suggest to start there. There may be several reasons for his actions, some of which may have nothing to do with how he feels for you. Learning about what is going on for him will likely answer your questions and, depending on his response, may cause some relief. When initiating conversations about subjects that are sensitive, there are a few things that you want to remember. Tell him how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, rather than blaming him or telling him what he is doing wrong. Avoid using extreme, black and white language (i.e. always and never). For example, you may say something such as, "I feel confused that we are rarely intimate and I'm wondering if you've also noticed this change" versus "You are never intimate with me anymore." Don't be afraid to ask him questions. You deserve to know what is going on, as his behavior is effecting your well being. I like to ask open-ended questions instead of yes and no questions. It allows for more clarity and deeper explanation. Lastly, ask yourself (and possibly him) what part you play in the recent changes. Does he feel that you've been distant? Does he need something from you? Let him know that you are willing to work things out as a team. If communication attempts fail, seeing a couple's therapist can be a great benefit. Having an objective party to coach you through this difficut time can give you the support that will create lasting changes in your relationship.Best of luck to you!

Answer (from Sherry Katz, LCSWCouples and Family Therapist, LCSW):
Your situation sounds a little painful.Have you brought up any of these topics for discussion with your fiancé?Now is a good time for finding out if and how your future husband is interested and addresses the way you are feeling.Until the two of you open up what bothers you, all you or anyone who talks to you about the situation, can do is take guesses as to what is driving your finance's behaviors.Also, in the moment of when your fiancé texts you words you find surprising or startling, you can tell him this.   Maybe by being clear and truthful about how what he writes affects you, then next time he will change what he tells you.And if he doesn't, then you know that you explained yourself, he had this information about you and that , he isn't that willing to consider what you told him. Really, the best first step is to open up all the topics you wrote about here, with him.  This way you'll give each of you to discuss how to care about one another in a meaningful way.

Answer (from Lynda MartensMarriage & Family Therapist, MSc, RP, RMFT):
Hi Rockford, While no relationship is "perfect", and it's natural for the passionate beginnings of a relationship to lessen with time, because we have established the trust and love needed as a foundation and we don't have to smother each other with attention anymore, your situation sounds like something different. "He has no time for me"... yet you don't fight. Hmmm...Is it that you don't fight because you don't bring up what's bothering you? Are you avoiding conflict? Many people do. What do you fear would happen if you let him know how you feel about his recent pulling away? As an engaged couple, now is a really good time to see what happens when you bring a concern to your fiance. Better to find out now what happens when you rock the boat by being real. Or maybe you have spoken to him about it. If so, what happens? Does he listen and help you understand him better? Or does he avoid and reassure you...or maybe dismiss you? This is really important data to gather about how your fiance handles conflict and how you work together. He says "leave me alone". That's a pretty bold statement about what he wants. He doesn't seem to have the same idea that you do about what marriage is, and how close you want to be. Plus, I have to say, those words sound more like what a closed-off fourteen year old would say to a parent than a loving fiance to his bride to be! Giving him the benefit of the doubt, it could be that your fiance is scared about getting married and this is a temporary reaction that will change. But if this is true, he needs to tell you that so you can understand. So, I suggest that the fact that when you're together you're "okay" is perhaps not the best barometer for how you're doing as a couple. Listen to your gut. I encourage you to be really open with your fiance about what your feelings and fears are. This may get rockier before it gets better, but until you face what's not working, you won't know who you truly are as a couple.  When you're engaged, it's a really cool time to see a therapist too...to get some conflict resolution skills down before you're a married couple.