Topic: parenting

Question: I get verbally abused everyday by my parents in front of my child and I cannot take it anymore
I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it.
   I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?

Answer (from David KleinHumanistic, LGBT-Affirmative Psychotherapy for Individuals & Couples):
I think one of the best things to pass on to our children, or simply one of the best lessons in life, is to learn when to internalize (it's an issue in me) and when to externalize (it's an issue in them), as well as always finding the balance of the two.In this case, you don't seem to be the issue. Sure, living with your parents with your child probably is not your dream scenario, nor your parents'. But, there are ways to process that without someone feeling abused, and your parents clearly have zero ability or boundaries if they are willing to verbally abuse you in front of your child, and their grandchild. If there is a reason they are doing so, I'm sure they think they have a good one. However, the dynamic that they are willingly setting up is problematic. And it is THEIR problem. However, by being strong and not taking in someone's verbal abuse, you are going to role model for your child how it's about what is inside of you, your own drive, that will be what is important, NOT what others say about you. It's important to always come back to yourself inside, and seeing the good that is in you (or even just noticing that it's there, if you can't quite see it in its entirety.)I would also advise your parents to think about their own role modeling.

Answer (from Valerie Saisi, NCC, LPCParenting, Child, and Family Therapist ):
I can't imagine what you are feeling but I can tell you that you are right to be concerned about your children baring witness to this abuse.  This is a great teachable moment for your kids.  How you handle yourself will be very important for your children to see.  Your "REACTION" is what you should focus on.  Will you react with rage and name calling? Will you listen to your parents with respect and talk to them in private about how they are speaking to you in front of your kids?  Will you talk your kids about what is going? From reading this I am assuming you live with your parents.  If this is the case you have to think about what you can do to change your situation.  Have a plan! Set a goal!  Don't lose hope!

Answer (from Carole ConnerAffordable Clinical Counseling with Real Life Answers):
The first step is realizing your value and establishing firm boundaries. When your parents cross that boundary and are verbally abusive, you have to have a plan to stand your ground and act upon it. That plan may include a better job to afford a place of your own, a domestic violence shelter if you are unable to provide for your needs, a firm talk with your parents about your parental authority, or other. Whatever you do has to be firm or consistent, a boundary that you allow someone to cross is no boundary. There is always a way, if you have no where to go, ask yourself why is that the case(which I am sure you have considered already) and what can I do about it. If you choose not to take any action then you are enabling your parents to remain abusive. Ask yourself too, why am I not acting on my situation. Am I too dependent on them? Do I not want to change? Is it easier just to let them provide for me? Be honest with yourself. You need to work on your self esteem, and things that empower you. Support groups in person or online, Church groups or organizations, friends, books, music, etc.... but think on things that will empower you. Are you stuck financially because of the need for a job? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need training in a new field? There are a myriad of possibilities and answers. Action, think action and Change, what can I change?

Answer (from Audrey ONealBi-lingual Psychotherapist and HeartMath Certified Practitioner):
That is unfortunate that you are being verbally abused and that the experience not only impacts you, but also your children.It is understandable that you would be overwhelmed as the stress you experience may trigger depleting emotions. Author, Victor Frankel advised others that in difficult situations that one cannot control, it is best to focus on controlling one's reactions to the situation. One way to approach this may be to think about the good that may emerge from the situation regardless of how tough it is.

Answer (from Eric Rhinehart, LMFT, LAADC, CCMI-M, CIPER Interventions & Therapy Services):
That must be really hard for you to talk about and I'm sorry they're treating you this way. Sounds like there are some issues in regards to boundaries between you and your parents. It must be hard feeling like you have nowhere to go and feel the need to take it. Also sounds like there may be some other layers to your struggle like all living together and differing in parenting possibly from one generation to the next? One thing that could really benefit you is to learn how to establish more clear boundaries with them. This is much easier said than done and requires much efforts on your part. One technique that will help is learning how to use a communication technique called appropriate assertiveness. It's basically learning how to voice your concerns in a clear, concise way without being aggressive. It's a technique that can take some time to learn how to use effectively and appropriately. There are many different books and research out there about establishing boundaries that will be of benefit to you. Moreover, it's important to keep in mind that things might get worse before they get better, as with most changes in family systems.