Acquisition ( episode ) A group of interstellar thieves stun the " Enterprise " crew and begin looting the ship . Trip Tucker is the only one left to stop them , but can he do that in his underwear ? Summary . Teaser . An unidentified alien vessel is closing on , which is drifting in space . The crew of the approaching vessel , speak in an alien language , although they seem to be discussing the Starfleet craft . The captain smiles and orders the ship to dock with it , targeting the starboard docking port . Act One . The aliens board the ship , each wearing a gas mask , and begin exploring the ship . Oddly , they find the " Enterprise " crew unconscious , but apparently having been in the midst of going about their normal routines . While they are not too particularly impressed with the Human s ' ears , one of them seems rather fascinated by T ' Pol ' s . They disable a device in engineering , apparently the source of whatever knocked out the crew as they safely remove their gas masks shortly afterward . They proceed to a turbolift , heading for the bridge , where they find Captain Archer and other bridge officers unconscious . One of them calls their ship on his communicator , reporting to someone he refers to as Ulis . Meanwhile , is in the decontamination chamber , lying on the floor and wearing bright blue Starfleet - issue underwear . Having been there for a while , he gets up and calls Dr . Phlox on the com , wondering why the twenty minutes ' time he was supposed to be in decon isn ' t up yet , since he ' s been in there for at least an hour . But Phlox , like the rest of the crew , is lying unconscious at his post in sickbay . Hearing no response , Tucker breaks out of decon by shorting out the door panel , and discovers unconscious crewmen throughout the corridors and turbolifts . Meanwhile , the aliens get to work ransacking " Enterprise " , starting with wheeling trolleys on board via the airlock s . Tucker arrives in sickbay and discovers Phlox unconscious . Hearing them coming , he hides via a ladder exit to an access tunnel , and quickly takes a glance to see them taking much of the sickbay equipment . He exits in a corridor , discretely seeing two others taking a spatial torpedo . Act Two . The aliens continue taking items ranging from bridge chairs to clothes , food , and even the " Enterprise " s dedication plaque . Soon , not content with taking only inanimate objects , the aliens drag all of the ship ' s females to the launch bay . They also remove Captain Archer from his chair and take him to the launch bay , which is seen by Tucker via a security monitor in engineering . They handcuff the captain to a handhold in the bay , and wake him up ; as soon as their universal translator manages to decipher English , they demand that he tell them where the ship ' s vault is . Archer is at first confused by their request , and tells them that there is no vault on the ship – that as a ship of exploration , not of commerce , they would have no need for one . But the aliens can ' t believe that there would be no valuables of any kind stockpiled aboard , and are convinced that he ' s lying . They discuss among themselves how to proceed , revealing the name of one of them to be Krem , a cousin of Ulis ' . While they are talking , Archer spots Tucker up on the second level of the launch bay , unbeknownst to the aliens . Krem mentions taking the females to a slave market on Stameris , which prods Archer to do something to prevent this . He decides to play along with the aliens ' idea that there must be a vault on - board , offering to show them where to find it if he can keep half of the gold therein . The aliens are not satisfied with that ; Archer makes a final offer of 35 % for himself , with the rest going to the aliens , but they decide to proceed without his assistance and find the vault themselves . Ulis orders Krem to begin loading the booty onto their ship , eliciting protests from Krem , at which Ulis suggests he make Archer do it . While loading the booty onto the aliens ' ship at gunpoint , Archer engages Krem in conversation , learning a bit about the aliens ' philosophy of " a man is only worth the sum of his possessions " , embodied in the Rules of Acquisition . Archer also learns that Krem is rather at the mercy of his cousin in all his business dealings – as the Rules put it , " Never allow family to stand in the way of profit . " Krem seems to accept this as the way things are supposed to be , believing that his cousin is going to help him acquire a ship of his own one day . Spotting Tucker around a corner , Archer asks Krem to get him a glass of water and some food from the mess hall . Krem handcuffs him to a nearby hand grip and goes off to get the food . Tucker fills Archer in on the situation , and that the aliens have looted the ship so thoroughly that there aren ' t any phase - pistol s left for him to get his hands on – not even a hypospray with which to wake the rest of the crew . Archer tells Tucker to get the hypospray the aliens used to wake him up , which they left in launch bay 2 . Just then , Krem returns , prompting Tucker to leave so he isn ' t spotted . Tucker finds the hypospray and injects T ' Pol with it . He then tries repeatedly to inject Hoshi Sato , but the hypospray is empty . T ' Pol immediately wakes up , at first startled by Tucker ' s mode of dress , then she deduces that the crew was knocked out by gas emitted by an artifact they had retrieved from the surface of a moon when T ' Pol examined it ; it must have been placed there intentionally by the aliens . Tucker had been isolated from the effects of the gas due to his being sealed off from the rest of the ship in decon . Just then , the door to the launch bay opens , admitting Krem and Archer . T ' Pol pretends to still be unconscious , while Tucker hides . Krem is fascinated by T ' Pol , asking Archer questions about her . Despite Archer ' s attempts to convince Krem that she ' s not very interesting , Krem isn ' t dissuaded , though he is torn away from admiring T ' Pol when Archer needs his help to move a heavy cabinet from the launch bay . After Archer and Krem leave , T ' Pol expresses her irritation at Krem ' s attention , and discusses with Tucker how to proceed . As Sato still hasn ' t woken up , Tucker concludes that the hypospray is empty , and thus will be of no use to the rest of the crew ; he , T ' Pol , and the captain will have to take back the ship themselves . Act Three . Tucker heads to a crewman ' s quarters and puts on a slightly too - small sciences division uniform before proceeding any further while T ' Pol observes the aliens in sickbay via a security monitor . There , Ulis and Grish are convinced that the imaging chamber must be the vault , though Muk is more skeptical . Confounded by an apparent lack of locking gear , they eventually manage to activate its opening mechanism , triggering the built - in gurney to slide out and nearly slam straight into the aliens , sending them scrambling . To Ulis and Grish ' s shock , there is no loot inside , though Muk seems more impressed with an unidentified medical gadget , which he insists on keeping for himself , despite their earlier agreement to split the profits of this endeavor between them . Ulis eventually agrees , but only after saying that he ' ll deduct the gadget from Muk ' s share of the gold . Meanwhile , Tucker attaches a security lock to the door of the bio - matter resequencer , which also serves to cover the label on the door . T ' Pol proceeds to an area just outside the bridge , where she monitors the aliens conversing in the situation room . Muk has collected various gadgets from around the ship ( including a number of scanner s ) to add to the booty , while Grish finds the captain ' s quarters on a map of the ship and suggests to Ulis that the vault might be there . But while they are discussing how to get there , T ' Pol sends an ear - splitting squeal out of the com system at the aliens , who , with their sensitive hearing , are quite keenly affected by this . They pull out their weapons and search for the source of the sound ; meanwhile , T ' Pol sneaks out onto the bridge and takes the scanners Muk had collected . By the time Muk shoots the science console and stops the noise , T ' Pol is gone . Muk then notices that his scanners are gone , for which he blames Ulis . He demands that Ulis open his bag so he can prove his innocence , but Ulis refuses , claiming that he wouldn ' t be interested in some " worthless " scanners . T ' Pol , however , remotely triggers one of the scanners to make a beeping noise – revealing that they " are " in Ulis ' bag . Muk is outraged , and Ulis claims ignorance , when Muk notices that there were only two of them in Ulis ' bag , whereas he had three of them . He immediately turns to Grish , who runs away with Muk in hot pursuit . Meanwhile , T ' Pol monitors the unfolding events from her post outside the bridge , holding the third scanner in her hand . In engineering , Krem is directing Archer to remove parts from the warp core . Archer attempts to convince him that the only way he can ensure he gets a fair share of the vault ' s contents is to see the vault for himself . He offers Krem a deal : Krem helps him put the rest of the aliens in the brig , and Archer gives him half of the money . Though clearly tempted by the offer , Krem refuses and tells Archer to get back to work . Grish and Muk , meanwhile , are attempting to interrogate Porthos as to the location of the vault . Porthos , not understanding a word they ' re saying , happily wags his tail and woofs . They realize that he ' s a lower lifeform , speculating that he might be the captain ' s next meal , but Grish isn ' t so sure , noting Porthos ' s large ears . Muk takes Porthos to the launch bay and puts him in a cargo container , but spots Tucker hiding elsewhere in the bay . He chases him out into the corridors to the mess hall , alerting the others via communicator that one of the crew members is awake . In the mess hall , Tucker tries to blend in with the rest of the sleeping crewmen there , but is spotted by Muk , who attacks him . Tucker gets Muk ' s weapon and makes a run for it , only to be stopped by Ulis with an energy whip . Act Four . In the launch bay , Krem and Archer are still at it , loading items into the aliens ' ship . Archer is still trying to work on Krem , trying to convince him that he ' s being treated unfairly by his partners . The other aliens enter with Tucker , after which they start discussing the possibility of other crew members being awake , and consider taking what they have and leaving to avoid tangling with them . They almost come to blows , Muk and Ulis even pulling weapons on each other . Muk , while still quite angered at Ulis , calms down and gets to work with Grish to haul the females to the ship . Tucker , however , tells them to wait – he ' ll show them to the vault , provided they leave the females . Archer , realizing that Tucker has a plan , plays along , ordering him not to reveal the location of the vault no matter what . Tucker pretends that Sato is his wife , and that he doesn ' t want the aliens to take her – thus , becoming increasingly angered when Archer threatens to throw him in the brig for insubordination , he launches himself at Archer and begins wrestling with him until the aliens pull them apart . Ulis accepts Tucker ' s offer , and the aliens , knowing that they all need to see the vault for themselves to avoid being cheated by the others , all follow Tucker , with the exception of Krem who is told to stay behind and finish loading the ship . Krem , inspired by Archer ' s words , stands up to Ulis , insisting that he ' s tired of doing the menial work and wants a chance to prove he has the " lobes for business " . Eventually he backs down , however , and he gets to work with Archer . Archer fakes a flare - up of an old water polo injury , leading Krem to handcuff him to a hand grip and continue loading the ship himself . While Tucker leads Ulis , Muk , and Grish to the bottom deck of the ship , Krem encounters T ' Pol aboard his ship . She claims that she ' s a prisoner aboard the Human ship , and begs Krem to take her with him . Krem is mesmerized by her and asks her to perform " oo - mox " on him . She begins to perform it on him per his instructions , at which Krem melts in ecstasy , allowing her to knock him out with a Vulcan nerve pinch . She takes the keys to Archer ' s handcuffs , as well as a phase - pistol from a case , and leaves . Via an extremely circuitous route , Tucker leads the aliens to the bio - matter resequencing section , finally announcing to them that they ' ve reached the vault and releasing the lock . Tucker offers to go in first and scout out any booby traps , which makes the aliens suspicious ; they all enter simultaneously , each one wanting to get to the gold first . Upon finding the bio - matter resequencing center empty of gold , they realize it is a trap , but it is too late – T ' Pol springs out from behind the door and stuns them with a phase - pistol . After T ' Pol releases Archer with the key , the crew supervise the aliens as they unload their booty back to its rightful places ; now the tables are turned , with the aliens under armed guard by the Humans . Archer frees Porthos from the box in which Muk put him , and once all is back where it belongs , the aliens are all manacled on board their ship except for Krem , who is informed by Archer that he ' s going to contact the Vulcans and Starfleet to warn them about the aliens , and that if they come within a light year of an Earth or Vulcan ship they won ' t know what hit them . Krem readily promises that they won ' t ever see them again . Archer suggests to the others that they might try showing Krem a little more respect if they ' d like to be released , eliciting scowls and insults . After Archer and T ' Pol leave , Krem , clearly enjoying the situation , sits in the captain ' s chair , smiling as the others offer him bribes for their release . Krem takes the controls of the ship , disengages it from " Enterprise " , and flies off into parts unknown . Memorable quotes . " " Who the hell are you ? " " " " Who we are is unimportant . " " " " This is a vessel of exploration , not a cargo ship . We don ' t do any commerce . " " " " Why am I always stuck doing the menial labor ? " " " " Make him do it ! " " " " If you ' re gonna make a habit out of this , you might wanna get a bigger ship . " " " " What do you need all this for , anyway ? You seem to already have plenty of technology . " " " " One can never have too much ! " The Rules of Acquisition " say ' Expand or Die . ' " " " " Rules of Acquisition ? " " " " That ' s rule number forty - five . I ' ve memorized all one - hundred and seventy - three , including the most important one : ' A man is only worth the sum of his possessions . ' " " " " Back on my home world that kind of thinking almost destroyed our civilization . " " " " You should ' ve managed your businesses better . " " " " Come on ! We have a lot more moving to do . " " " " We ? " " " " Never allow family to stand in the way of profit . " " " " Another one of your rules ? " " " " Number six . " " " " Just because a guy ' s in his underwear you think the worst . " " " " This female . . . is different from the others . What species is she ? " " " " She ' s a Vulcan . " " " " Vulcan . " " " " They ' re really not all that interesting once you get to know them . " " " " I ' d like to get to know this one . Maybe I won ' t sell her . . . not right away . " " " " Trust me . She ' s got no sense of humor . She ' s always complaining . " " " " There are times I wish Vulcans hadn ' t learned to repress their violent tendencies . " " " " Rule of Acquisition number twenty - three : " Nothing is more important than your health . . . except for your money . " " " " " Do I look like a Menk to you ? " " " " Are you calling me a thief ? " " " " Everybody knows you ' d steal the wax out of your own mother ' s ear s . " " " " I ' m surprised your friend didn ' t get electrocuted . You can ' t just yank out an antimatter injector like it was a light bulb ! " " " " Where is the vault ? Do you understand me ? " " " " I can ' t lock onto its language . " " " " It ' s a lower life - form , you fool ! Probably the captain ' s next meal . " " " " Don ' t be so sure . Look at the size of its ears ! " " " " Sorry fellas . . . bank must be closed today ! " " " " What ' s your wife worth ? Five bars of gold , maybe six ? Let them take ( her ) , and I ' ll give you ten . " " " " What ! ? " " " " All right , fifteen ! " " " " Do you have the key ? " " " " Not that interesting . No sense of humor . Always complaining ? " " " " I ' ll make it up to you . " " " " How ? " " " " Five bars of gold ? " ( He pauses . ) " Open these things , Sub - commander . That ' s an order ! " " " " Isn ' t there a more direct route ? " " " " That ' s the beauty of this thing . It ' s impossible to find unless you know exactly where you ' re going . " " " " How much further ? " " " " Keep your shirt on , it ' s close . " " Links and references . References . anesthesia ; antimatter injector ; armory ; beetle snuff ; bio - matter resequencer ; Bolian ; booby trap ; Chef ; cook ; cousin ; crowbar ; DaiMon ; dedication plaque ; dog ; earwax ; Earth Starfleet ; energy whip ; Ferengi ; Ferengi gas canister ; Ferengi language ; Rules of Acquisition ; filtration mask ; Gavarian ship ; gold ; hand scanner ; handcuffs ; injector assembly ; insubordination ; latinum ; latinum pen ; lemon meringue pie ; light bulb ; lock pick ; Malurzian Zoo ( Malurzian ) ; micro - charge ; Muk ' s Bolian acquaintance ; NX class ; " oo - mox " ; phase - pistol ; pecan pie ; scanner ; serving case ; slave market ; spatial torpedo ; Stameris ; Ulis ' starship ; underwear ; vault ; Vulcan s ; Vulcan High Command ; Vulcan nerve pinch ; warp core ; water ; water polo