Episode 419 : Lynda Carter / transcript Cold open . Scooter : Lynda Carter ? Lynda Carter ? Lynda : I know , I know , Scoots . It ' s twenty seconds to curtain . Scooter : You can read my mind ! Lynda : I ' m not reading your mind , I ' m reading my script . Scooter : Huh ? Wha ? Oh , no , no . Both : Kermit wouldn ' t allow a script on this show , everything we say on here is ad - libbed ! Theme . Kermit : It ' s " The Muppet Show " , with our very special guest star , Lynda Carter ! Yaaaay ! " The Muppet Show Theme " Statler : Don ' t start ! Waldorf : We haven ' t left yet ! Gonzo : " [ his trumpet pulls his teeth out of his mouth ] " The embarrassment ! Opening number . Kermit : Thank you , thank you , hello there , and welcome again to " The Muppet Show " ! And we have a fantastic show for you tonight . Because our very special guest is that lovely star of television ' s " Wonder Woman " , Miss Lynda Carter ! Audience : " [ oohs and aahs ] " Kermit : Yes ! But , right now , let ' s get the show started w - - Piggy : Kermit , Kermit , excuse moi . Kermie , uh , you forgot to mention the sketch I am in . Kermit : Well , I , I didn ' t forget , I just didn ' t think it was important . Piggy : " [ laughs ] " You didn ' t ? Kermit : Important , but not that important . Piggy : A - ha , a - ha , mm - hmm . Kermit : I mean , it ' s not like it was a matter of life and death . Piggy : You ' re sure about that ? Kermit : Uh , ladies and gentlemen , later on in the show , our own Miss Piggy here will be portraying a brand new character , Wonder Pig . Lynda : Wonder Pig ? Piggy : Thank you , Kermie . Kermit : Uh , you ' re welcome . Piggy : Isn ' t it great to be alive ? Kermit : Uh , uh , which reminds me of our opening number , ladies and gentlemen , how long has it been since you ' ve watched a good old fashioned human sacrifice ? Too long , you say ? Well , watch this . " A Little Help from My Friends " Statler : You think the lobsters would share some of their popcorn with us ? Waldorf : No chance , they ' re two shellfish ! Statler : " [ laughs ] " You ' re too shellfish . Backstage . Kermit : Okay , way to go Pagans , nicely worshiped . Scooter : It ' s here , it ' s here ! My correspondence course ! Kermit : Your correspondence course ? Scooter : " How to Be a Superhero " . Yeah , it comes complete with a helmet , a cape , a red shirt , and an instruction book called , " Invincibility Made Easy " . Kermit : I don ' t believe that . Scooter : I ' m doing it ' cause Wonder Woman ' s on our show . Kermit : No , no , no . Lynda Carter is on our show . She ' s not gonna play Wonder Woman tonight . Scooter : Well , that ' s just as well . There ' ll be plenty of superheroes around . Kermit : What do you mean , plenty ? Scooter : Well , everybody ' s taking the course . Fozzie : Uh , let ' s see . Lesson two . Deflecting bullets with the magic gold bracelets . Oh , hi Kermit , what ' ch ' ya doin ' ? Kermit : Oh , just noticing that this season has produced a bumper crop of nuts . Dressing room . Lynda : Sam , you know , uh , that human sacrifice number at the top of the show ? Sam : Ugh , yes . Lynda : Well , is that kind of thing gonna be going on throughout this entire show ? Sam : Ugh , Miss Carter , I ' m afraid so . Lynda : Good , because I loved it . Kermit : Uh , Lynda , your number is next ! Lynda : Thanks , Kermit ! Sam : Congratulations . Lynda : For what ? Sam : You are the next human to be sacrificed . Kermit : Uh , uh , listen , uh , Lynda , you know about this number you ' re about to do . . . Lynda : Mm - hmm . Kermit : Well , none of our band has rehearsed this number . Lynda : Oh , that ' s okay , I brought my own band . Kermit : " Oh ? " , says the frog feeling control slipping through his fingers . Lynda : Don ' t worry about it , Kermit . This is one terrific band . Kermit : Oh , what kind of band is it ? Lynda : Oh , it ' s a rubber band . " The Rubberband Man " . Waldorf : Mmm . What ' d you think of Lynda ? Statler : Terrific ! Waldorf : Yeah . How about that rubber band ? Stater : Well , make ' em into a tire and drive ' em to Pittsburgh ! Backstage . Kermit : Okay , hey that was wonderful Lynda ! Lynda : Thank you very much . Kermit : Oh , look at this . The apprentice superheroes are still at it . Boy , this " Invincibility Made Easy " is some kind of crazy book . Scooter : Chapter four . Vanishing . To vanish , it requires several minutes of hard work to achieve . Gonzo : Shazam ! Link Hogthrob : Bending steel bars is simple if you have a pure heart and clean thoughts . Fozzie : Uh , let ' s see . Swinging from building to building on a rope should be practiced , uh , perhaps by starting swinging across the room . Aah , right ! Kermit : Then , of course , there ' s Lew Zealand . He ' s practicing x - ray vision . Lew : Pick a closed door . Yeah . Uh , stare at it for several seconds , and suddenly the door will seem to vanish and you ' ll see inside the room . Oh , gotcha . Fozzie : " [ screaming while swinging across the room into the door Lew is staring at ] " Lew : I can see the room ! I have x - ray vision ! Muppet newsflash . The Newsman : He ' s a Muppet News Flash . Dateline , Egypt . Archaeologists today discovered an ancient tomb more than five thousand years old in the Nile Valley . An inscription over the tomb warned that the crocodile god Rezal - evad - gib — that ' s Rezal - evad - gib — would wreck a terrible vengeance on anyone who entered the tomb or even pronounced his name aloud . That ' s a ridiculous story , I don ' t kno — " [ being eaten . . . screams ] " Dressing room . Lynda : Come in . Beauregard : Oh , Wonder Lynda , I have to warn you about something ! Lynda : Oh , hi there Beau , how are you ? Beauregard : No , no time for the nicey - nicies . Aah , something terrible just happened to The Newsman downstairs . Lynda : You ' re kidding , what ? Beauregard : Well , they sent me up here to tell you not to say this very dangerous word . Lynda : Oh , okay . What ' s the word ? Beauregard : Well , it ' s uh . . . Oh , no . I forgot it ! But , whatever you do , don ' t say it . Lynda : Now , how can I not say a word if you don ' t know what it is and you can ' t remember it , huh ? I mean , it could be anything . It could be pencil . Beauregard : " [ gasp ] " Nope , I guess that wasn ' t it . Lynda : Well , it could be , uh , shoehorn . Hairbrush . Powderpuff . Just about anything . I mean — Beauregard : Be careful ! Stop it ! You might say it by accident ! Lynda : Oh . Okay , now listen , Beau . Beauregard : Yes ? Lynda : Why don ' t you try to remember . Try very , very , very hard , okay ? Beauregard : You mean , think ? Lynda : Y — think , right . Beauregard : Oh , that ' s hard . Okay . Lynda : Okay . C ' mon . Beauregard : " [ struggling ] " It ' s no use . It ' s right on the tip of my tongue . Lynda : It is . Right on the tip of your tongue . It says . . . Beauregard : ( yeah ) Lynda : Wait , wait . Hold still . " Re . Zal . E . Va — " Beauregard : " [ closes his mouth ] " Newsman : I bet you thought they were gonna say Rezal - evad - gib , didn ' t you ? Beauregard : Oh no ! Newsman : Well , after what I went through — " [ gets eaten ] " Beauregard : Yuck . Lynda : Yuck . Beauregard : That could have been you . UK spot . Gaffer : Meow . Sam : Disgusting . Get away . Kermit : Sam ? Hey , Sam . Sam : What ? Kermit : What are you doing ? Sam : I am censoring this show . Kermit : Well , what are you writing down there ? Sam : Already , I have fourteen disgusting items that have occurred on this show . Kermit : Well , like what ? Sam : Well , first of all , there ' s one here . . . a possible romantic liaison between a frog and a pig . Kermit : Well , I guess I ' m not very happy about that one myself . But , but what do you do with this ? Sam : I send it to a very important person . Kermit : Who ? Sam : None of your business . chicken : B ' wawk . Sam : That ' s what I mean . Look at that . What is that ? What was a chicken ? Kermit : That ' s a chicken . Sam : And a penguin . Whoah , stop ! What is this , what ' s this ? Kermit : Well , uh , that ' s a rat . Sam : A rat . What is a rat doing in the legitimate theatre ? Kermit : Well , uh , I , I send him out to , uh , buy me a chocolate milkshake , actually . Sam : You let a rat touch your food ? Kermit : Well , sure Sam . That ' s the kind of place it is . You know , the , uh , chickens dance , the , uh , pig sings , and the , uh , rat goes out and gets me some food . Sam : Alright , alright , alright , alright ! That ' s it ! I want this rat out of the theatre — Wait , I ' ll do it . Rat ! Rat ! I ' m talking to you . I ' m making a citizen ' s rat arrest . Out ! Kermit : Yeah , but . Sam . . . Sam : All it needed was a command decision . Kermit : But , but , Sam , you can ' t just send those rats out . I mean , they perform a very useful function . They gather all the trash and garbage around the theatre and take it out in the alley and dump it . Rizzo : Okay guys , let ' s do it . " [ Sam is carried off by rats ] " Sam : Wait , wait ! Wait , put me down ! Kermit : Listen , be gentle with him ! Hey , bring back the clipboard ! Wonder Pig . Kermit : Now , there ' s been a lot of talk about superheroes on tonight ' s show . So , here is a story of sheer terror . When civilization is threatened by one of the most frightening creatures ever to roam the Earth . Who can save us ? Ladies and gentlemen , our own Miss Piggy , starring as Wonder Pig . Lynda : " [ laughing ] " Wonder Pig ? Kermit : A word of caution . There are scenes in this story which may not be suitable for adults . Piggy : Oh . Oh , dear , dear . Oh , oh , wake up . Wake up ! It is I , your beautiful sister . Oh . " [ knock on door ] " Piggy and Link : Come in . Link : Oh , doctor . At last you ' ve come . Strangepork : Yes , what seems to be the problem ? Piggy : Oh ! Doctor , doctor . My husband and I . . . Link : Yes , dear . Piggy : We , we came home and found my sister in a trance - like state . And , and all she does is make strange sounds like , like . . . Annie Sue : " [ chicken noises ] " Strangepork : It ' s almost as if she ' s in a state of shock . As if she ' d been frightened by a chicken . Link : A chicken ? Strangepork : But , that ' s ridiculous . Piggy : How can that be ? Strangepork : Well , I don ' t know . Do you keep any chickens on the ranch ? Piggy : No , I don ' t . Well , my husband and I have no chickens . Strangepork : Has she had any cacciatore ? Link : " [ sees giant chicken out window , makes chicken noises ] " Strangepork : He has it , too ! Piggy : Oh , no ! Husband ! Strangepork : I don ' t know if it ' s contagious , or if it ' s something he sa — Piggy : Oh , no . What is it , husband ? Strangepork : " [ sees giant chicken out window , makes chicken noises ] " Piggy : Oh , no ! What ? Is it something ou saw ? " [ the house begins to shake ] " Piggy : Oh , no . An earthquake ! Oh , no ! Oh , what is this dreaded , terrible thing ? " [ chaos ensues , everyone but Piggy faints ] " Piggy : Holy guacamole ! This is a job for Wonder Pig ! " [ Piggy spins , transforms , grows in size , and crashes through the ceiling , displacing the chicken ] " Piggy : Beat it , ya dumb cluck ! Eat your heart out , Lynda Carter . Lynda : Bravo ! Statler : How come chickens are getting so big on this show ? Waldorf : Well , chickens thrive on corn . Backstage . Piggy : Shoo , shoo ! Go on , go on . Shoo , shoo , shoo ! Scooter : All right , yay ! Piggy : That ' s the way it ' s done , boys . Oh , Lynda ! Lynda : Miss Piggy ! Hi , I just want you to know that you look absolutely wonderful in that costume . Piggy : Ah - ha , merci . Hah - hah . Aren ' t you sorry that , uh , you didn ' t bring your suit ? Lynda : Well , uh . . . no . Kermit : Okay , next number . The next number is next ! " The Whiffenpoof Song " . Kermit : Okay , well , that last sketch must have please you poultry lovers . So , here ' s something for the sheep fanciers ! " The Whiffenpoof Song " Super Sheep : This looks like a job for Super Sheep ! Backstage . Scooter : Okay , here we go ! Kermit : Oh , they ' re still at it . Scooter : You superheroes ready up there ? Fozzie : Yep , all set . Gonzo : You betcha . Lew : " [ indiscernible ] " Link : Stop pushing . Scooter : Okay . Chapter ten . How to Fly . Kermit : Eek , I can ' t watch this . Scooter : Flying is a simple matter of belief . Anyone can fly as long as he believes that he can . Stand at the very top of a tall ladder and say to yourself , " I was born to fly " . Gonzo / Fozzie / Lew / Link : I was born to fly . Scooter : The air is my home . Gonzo / Fozzie / Lew / Link : The air is my home . Scooter : Now that you believe that , step off the ladder and float to the ceiling . " [ they all scream and fall ] " Scooter : Fortunately , superheroes never feel pain . " [ all crying out in pain ] " " Orange Colored Sky " . Kermit : Okay , here once again is our special guest star who will be joined in song and silliness by our own super goofs . Uh , ladies and gentlemen , Miss Lynda Carter , yay ! " Orange Colored Sky " Goodnights . Kermit : Okay , well , we seem to have survived another one , largely due to our really terrific guest star . Ladies and gentlemen , Lynda Carter , yay ! Lynda : You know , I just want to thank you very much because this has definitely been one of the worst experiences I have . . . Kermit : " [ terrified ] " Lynda : No , I ' m just kidding you . I have had a fabulous time ! Great . As a matter of fact , I think that we came through this with flying colors , don ' t you ? Scooter : Oh , more than that . We got through it with flying Muppets ! " [ everyone flies in on stage ] " Kermit : Will you stop that ? Lynda : You guys are all crazy ! Kermit : Well , we ' ll see you next time on " The Muppet Show " ! " Closing Theme " Waldorf : Good grief ! You ' ve turned into . . . Statler : Money Man ! _ _ NOWYSIWYG _ _