Gallywix : Trade Secrets of a Trade Prince Gallywix : Trade Secrets of a Trade Prince is a short story in the " Leaders of the Horde " series by Gavin Jurgens - Fyhrie that offers advice from Trade Prince Gallywix . Gallywix : Trade Secrets of a Trade Prince . Introduction by the Author . Hey , pal . Trade Prince Gallywix here . You ’ re holding this book in your hands because you wanna be like me . Who wouldn ’ t ? There ain ’ t a goblin alive more powerful and dangerous than me . I can give you everything you need to succeed . But first , a friendly legally binding warning just for you . If you ’ re reading this and haven ’ t bought the book yet , that ’ s stealing . You think that browsing is a victimless crime ? You think it ’ s your right as a customer ? You ’ d be dead wrong , deadbeat ! It ’ s freeloaders like you who drove down my profit margin last year and kept me from adding an edible furniture wing onto my mansion . Now , instead of the chocolate couches with funnel cake pillows I deserve , I have furniture made of silk . Have you ever tried to eat silk ? You even know where that stuff comes from ? A worm ’ s cakehole , that ’ s where ! You need to fix this . Buy my book , or my exploding assassins will hunt you down like the thieving bilge rat you are . What , you doubt me ? Have we met ? You don ’ t become trade prince by making empty threats . The spot ain ’ t hereditary like that cushy king job those pink - skinned humans get . If I told you thirty - two spies were watching you lick your lips nervously right now , you ’ d better believe it , pal . Don ’ t bother looking around . You won ’ t see them . Stop wasting my time and risking your life . Twenty thousand gold is a cheap price to pay for my life story . And if you read past this sentence without buying the book , I ’ ll devote every inch of my empire to destroying you . Do you understand me ? Good . Now , pay the damn salesman . Done ? You sure ? Great . Well , thanks for buying my book , sucker . You wanna be a trade prince ? I want an army of fel reavers with my face painted over their fists , but negotiations with the Burning Legion fell through , so I guess neither one of us is gonna get what we want . Why can ’ t you be a trade prince ? Because all the slots are filled by goblins better than you , that ’ s why . You ain ’ t ready yet , but don ’ t worry . You came to the right goblin for help . You may have heard a few rumors about me . “ Gallywix became trade prince by blowing up , selling out , or just selling everyone he knew . When Mount Kajaro erupted , Gallywix had the only boat , and he charged refugees the low , low price of their life savings . He packed the stars of the goblin aristocracy like sausages in the hold and tried to sell them into slavery . That monster Gallywix betrayed his entire race for a bazillion macaroons . ” Kinda terrible , huh ? Guess what ? It ’ s all true . Why would I lie about that ? I never cover up the things I ’ m proud of . If the world was gonna split in half tomorrow , I ’ d buy the Dark Portal , slap a toll booth on it , and charge refugees the last of their pocket change , the rings off their fingers , a bite of their sandwiches , and a contractual obligation to build me a rocket palace in the skies of Nagrand . It ’ s the goblin way ! Supply and demand ! Deal with it ! But , hey . You paid for your ticket , and this is what you get : the three secrets of the greatest trade prince this mud ball has ever seen . They won ’ t take long to tell . In fact , if you flip through the book , you ’ ll find that the last three hundred pages are copies of old newspapers and recipes for fish jerky . Sorry , pal . No refunds . Secret 1 : Don ’ t Let Anyone Take Your Cookie . On the day I turned ten , I took over the family tinkering business AND the local crime syndicate . It was easier than selling a mirror to a blood elf . Pay close attention … . My birthday began the way every morning did : my pop almost killed me . Not that he ever meant to . In fact , that was kind of the problem with him . Nothing he did ever went the way he wanted , which is no joke when you work with explosives . The only shop he could swing was so deep in the bad part of the Drudgetown slums that even Trade Prince Maldy ’ s tax collectors weren ’ t safe . The last one to visit got scammed out of his boots , jumped , insulted , tied to a gunpowder barrel , and rolled back to the old goblin with a polite refusal letter between his teeth . My pop saw the lack of taxes as a fringe benefit . I saw the muddy street and the irradiated garbage . Even the rats were moving out . My pop thought he was gonna make it big someday with a world - shaking invention . I knew it was only a matter of time before he blew us up , and I had decided the night before to run away and become a pirate like my ma . I ’ d spent all night packing and planning . The five macaroons stuffed in my torn boots felt like a fortune . My pop got up around dawn and started messing around in the shop , talking to himself . His research and development process had three stages — optimism , concern , and panic — and the third one could leave you short a few fingers and most of your skin . He was at 2 . 9 when I tied my pack closed and rammed it under my moldy mattress . “ Come on , ” he muttered from the other side of two paper - thin walls . “ Just a little bit tighter … tighter … whoops . Uh - oh . Oh , no . No ! Stop ! Kid ! Wake up and grab some cover ! ” I wearily raised my lead - lined pillow just as a teddy bear with orange fur and a mechanical face rocketed through the wall . It saw me , gave a shrill screech , and exploded , flinging shrapnel tornadoes in every direction . Footsteps thundered up the dingy hall , and Pop burst through my doorway . He didn ’ t knock first , but not because he was in a rush . Napalm had melted the door last month . “ You okay , kiddo ? Did you see it ? A perfect test ! Horizontal burn , target locked on , a gyroscopic spin , and detonation ! The union said using microbombs for navigation and rocket fuel for thrust would melt the entire neighborhood , but we showed th — ” I tossed my shredded , clanking pillow to the floor . “ That was the only prototype , right ? ” “ Well , yeah , but — ” “ And the blueprints were … ? ” I asked , trailing off to let him answer . I had a lot of experience talking to him . “ Stolen by a mechanical chicken . ” That was new , but he wasn ’ t gonna sidetrack me . “ So you can ’ t build it again , right ? ” He opened his mouth for a snappy comeback . Then his eyes widened in horror . I nodded . The morning routine was complete . Time to get some breakfast and hit the road . “ Doesn ’ t matter , kiddo . I understand the principle now . Explosives hidden in lovable objects are a completely unexplored market . We ’ re gonna be rich ! ” “ Pop , the only way we ’ re gonna stop being poor is if you blow us up , ” I snapped . “ That ’ s not fair , Jastor . It ’ s only a matter of time . ” “ You know what ? You ’ re right . You will kill us both someday , Pop . I believe in you . ” “ Hey ! There ’ s plenty of goblin kids out there who wish their parents were tinkers . When I was your age , I used to dream — ” “ Really , Pop ? This story again ? ” “ — my parents would quit shoveling sewers and blow a few things up . You worry me when you talk about being afraid of explosions . It ’ s not goblin . ” “ No ! You know what ’ s not goblin ? Having a kid and telling him to ‘ go play ' . You know what the problem is ? There ’ s no one to play with ! Jelky has to spend all day braiding fuses . Druz wakes up at dawn to mix cement . Do you know how embarrassing it is that my own pop won ’ t force me to work for him ? ” Pop threw his hands up in the air and headed back down the short hallway to the shop . “ Tell you what , ” he called . “ Why don ’ t you leave running the business to me , and I ’ ll leave the Sugarpack cookie over here to the first kid with a birthday who comes by . ” “ I ’ m pretty sure you gotta sell things once in a while to have a business ! ” I shouted after him , but my heart wasn ’ t in it . Sugarpack ! Chow for the road ! “ You think you can do better ? ” he said from the shop . “ You can try anytime you wa — uh , hello , gents . ” My pop had customers , sounded like . I took it as a good omen for my trip . If something as unlikely as business could occur in my pop ’ s shop , I ’ d have no problem finding a ship out of Kezan ; hell , I could probably find a tame shark who ’ d take me to a magical island made of cupcakes and platinum . I stumped down the hall for the cookie . The Sugarpack Bakery ain ’ t around anymore . A few years before the orcs arrived in Azeroth , the corner shop was slightly bombed during Trade War II , thoroughly bombed in Trade War IV , and melted during the Peace War . The whole neighborhood smelled like burnt sugar and body parts for a month . But here ’ s the thing : if you ’ ve never had cookies from the Sugarpack Bakery , you ’ ve never had real cookies . Period . They were big enough to hold in two hands and a little browned around the outer edge . Chocolate chunks the size of an ogre ’ s fist . Touch of cinnamon and crystal sugar . And I only got one a year . I froze near the end of the hallway and hid in the half shadows . I should have known better . No customers . Skezzo and his goons were trying to shake down my pop again . In Drudgetown , even the criminals were nearly broke , and the Copper Street Gang was no exception . I can still see that idiot Skezzo with his fake gold earrings and smelly patchwork suit . The only worthwhile thing he ever did was tangle with me . He shoved my pop against his three - and - a - half - legged workbench . Near the other end , my cookie wobbled on our only plate . I hissed , but I wasn ’ t too proud to eat the thing off the floor if I had to . You would have too , believe me . “ What are we gonna do with you , Luzik ? ” Skezzo said . “ You never pay us on time . You never pay us at all . I would hate to have Lumpo come back here tomorrow and blow up … ” Skezzo trailed off as he failed to find anything of value in sight except a roll of dynamite , which , as you might ’ ve heard , is supposed to explode . “ Look , I ’ m sorry , ” my pop said . “ Money ’ s been tight . I barely have enough money for supplies ! ” “ And sweets , looks like , ” Skezzo said , reaching past him to snatch … Up . My . Cookie . “ Pay me everything you owe by tonight , ” he said , stuffing it in his mouth . Priceless crumbs rained down on his greasy lapel . “ Or I ’ ll burn your shop down and charge you for the torches . ” He spotted me in the doorway , winked , and swaggered out , spitting out the rest of the cookie along the way . And that was it . If not for that cookie , I would have run away to be a lowly pirate king in the South Seas , and the world would be a very different place . I staggered into the shop . Pop was talking to me . I couldn ’ t hear him over the blood thumping around in my ears . I could have left Kezan if I ’ d wanted , but that wasn ’ t what was wrong here . My pop had let cheap thugs take things from him . I ’ d let them take the cookie from me . That was the problem . That was why we were poor . Sure , Skezzo had a gang . Sure , he had weapons and numbers . But I had something ballooning up inside my head like a fleet of zeppelins attacking a gnoll hut : a code , all sharp edges and oiled parts . This business was my pop ’ s . This business was mine . That cookie was mine . I didn ’ t blame Skezzo for trying , but no one was gonna take what was mine , no matter the cost . Ten minutes later , I was across town with one of Skezzo ’ s loan sharks , surrounded by cigar smoke and smirking bruisers . “ Let me get this straight , ” the shark said , chuckling . “ You owe the boss money . And you wanna borrow from him to pay him ? ” “ Yes , ” I said . “ With interest ? ” the shark said , his lips trembling from the effort of not braying laughter in my face . “ Whatever you think is fair , ” I said , straight - faced . “ Okay , runt , ” he said , counting out the cash . “ But I think I know why your dad is in trouble . Business sense must not run in your family at all . ” The only thing that gets around goblin society faster than a new Gunpowder Girls calendar is the possibility of public humiliation . Skezzo came back that night with his entire gang , loan sharks included . All along Copper Street , doors opened as our loyal neighbors leaned out to watch the tinker and his idiot son lose the last of their money and get driven out of town . Only Pop was gone . He ’ d gone to get another cookie , which was just like him : well - meaning but totally missing the point . This wasn ’ t about cookies anymore . Skezzo and his mob stopped in front of me like an ugly arrowhead . “ You got my money , kid ? ” he said . His goons leaned over his shoulders to see if I was gonna be dumb enough to go through with this . “ With interest , ” I said . Skezzo snatched the bag from my hand , patted me on the head , and ambled back down the street with his gang . That ’ s right . He didn ’ t even count the money . How this guy ran anything more complicated than a sausage stand is still beyond me . “ Nice doin ’ business with you , kid , ” he called back over his shoulder . “ Lumpo , carry the bag . It ’ s too damn heavy . ” “ That ’ d be the dynamite , ” I said helpfully . Cameras wouldn ’ t be invented until some years later , but I ’ d still kill for a snapshot of Skezzo and his goons gaping at me the second before the bomb stuffed under the cash went off . When the smoke cleared , the entire gang was gone . In eerie unison , my gawking neighbors stared at the smoking crater , then back at me . I smiled and pointed at the sky . Hundreds of eyes obeyed , looking up . Skezzo , his gang , and his flaming money were raining from the sky . I strolled across the street to Bezok the brickmaker , the whooping of my neighbors putting a little skip in my step . Sure , the trick had cost the rest of Pop ’ s money to cover the interest and the dynamite , but those four hundred macaroons were gonna be chump change by the end of the week . “ Wow . Wow ! ” said Bezok as goblins spilled from every crooked doorway and greasy alley for the world ’ s most disgusting treasure hunt , looking for undamaged macaroons . “ Way to show them , kid ! We ’ re free ! ” “ It won ’ t last , ” I said , casually dodging a burning sock . “ There ’ s a void . Other gangs will move in once they hear Skezzo is gone . We gotta incorporate for protection . Establish and guard trade routes . ” “ Yeah ! ” Bezok said , going all starry - eyed . “ Great idea ! Maybe someday we can ? ” “ No , ” I said . “ Come over tomorrow morning , and I ’ ll have a contract ready . You can stay in charge of production , alright ? I ’ ll take the boring business stuff off your hands . ” “ Huh ? ” Bezok said , blinking . He ’ d been eyeing a feathery cloud of lit macaroons drifting toward the roof of his shack . “ Wait , you think you can run my business ? Listen here , kid — ” “ Boom , ” I said . “ ‘ Boom ’ ? ” Bezok said , flinching . “ Boom . ” “ Why are you saying ‘ boom ’ ? ” “ I just like saying ‘ boom ’ , ” I said with that creepy serenity that only kids can pull off . “ Look , come over tomorrow morning . You won ’ t even notice I ’ m in charge until you realize how much money you ’ re making . ” Bezok wasn ’ t a coward . He was struggling to pay the bills . And people like that are always looking for a quick and unexpected way to make macaroons . “ You know what , kid ? Why not ? I can get out of it later if I want , right ? ” “ Sure , I ’ ll adjust the contract for that , ” I said . He ’ d just have to leave his business behind , pay me a yearly management fee , and climb into a bear suit three times a week to advertise for Pop ’ s upcoming line of exploding lovables . I left Bezok as he was dragging out a ladder to reach the macaroon bonfire on his roof , and swaggered home . When my pop came back , I was busy writing my first contract in letters so small a gnat with glasses couldn ’ t read them . Contracts are easy to write if you focus on cheating the poor fools who ’ re gonna sign them , and if you remember that most everyone believes the small print is there to be scanned before you sign , rather than shown to ten lawyers , tested in a court , then dismantled word by word and detonated in a controlled environment . My pop shuffled his feet , clearing his throat . “ I can do better , ” I said before he spoke . I didn ’ t have to look at his face to know that he ’ d heard about the bomb . “ W - what ? ” he stammered . A paper bag crinkled in his hand . “ You asked me if I thought I could run your business better . I can . By tomorrow morning , we ’ re gonna have access to Bezok ’ s cash , and more from there . But I need you to sign over everything to me . ” He was quiet for a long time . I used the silence to get a few more lines down . “ You definitely take after your ma , ” he said finally . “ Okay , you got a week . If we don ’ t see enough of a profit to buy more dynamite , you ’ re gonna have to work it off , alright ? ” Yeah , he thought he was setting me up to fail and learn a valuable lesson . But he left me alone with my new cookie and my work . The cookie went stale by the third draft , and I decided to keep it as a reminder . Still have it , in fact . By the time Pop ’ s deadline rolled around , half of the businesses on the block had joined my Copper Street Conglomerate . I ’ d moved out by then , but I sent him three crates of dynamite , a blast suit , and a bonus . Yeah , you ’ re right . That was a little soft . But remember , I was ten , genius . I made my first million macaroons right around the time that you caught the sklaz from swimming through the toxic oil slick around Garzak Oatburner ’ s Healthy Foods factory . Besides , he was my pop . And I take care of things that are mine . Secret 2 : You ’ re Either Ruthless or Toothless . There ’ s No Middle Ground . Years passed . I ’ m not gonna give you a detailed receipt of all the businesses I took over , started , sold , or destroyed . I won : that ’ s all . I won everything I wanted . Not because of luck , no . Luck doesn ’ t exist . Luck is for losers . If you move big , fast , and hard enough to carve yourself a place in the world , everyone else will bend over backwards to give you everything you want just for the thrill of being part of your success . Well , most everyone . Occasionally , you ’ re gonna run into other big movers . And they ’ ll cut you down like a sacred tree at a Venture Company logging party if you don ’ t do it to them first . Back during the Second War , I was Kezan ’ s rising star . President of the massive Copper Street Conglomerate , advisor to the Tinkers ’ Union , big goblin in the Trade Coalition , and the second - richest guy in the Bilgewater Cartel . Trade Prince Maldy decided he wanted to meet his possible competition , so he sent me an invitation to his daughter ’ s birthday party at his manor . The old goblin was as popular as a bar of soap on a pirate ship . Trade Prince Steamwheedle was rumored to be making a mint from his alleged exclusivity contract with the Horde . Maldy thought if things went south for the Horde , the Alliance would turn on us next . He ’ d clamped down hard on trading , making sure that Bilgewater had enough supplies and money to weather a financial siege and bend the other cartels over a spiky barrel . Solid move , but here ’ s the problem : your average goblin doesn ’ t like cautious . Cautious is boring . The moguls and financiers of Bilgewater had decided they wanted a younger , more aggressive trade prince in Maldy ’ s place . Guess who . Six months of backroom planning had gone into that night , long before Maldy had even sent the invite . Every angle was covered , every palm greased . Even the other trade princes had given their secret approval , if only because they liked having inexperienced competition . Success was inevitable : I was gonna be a trade prince by sunrise . I strolled up the path to Maldy ’ s manor . Thissy Steeltack , my personal assistant , raced up to me . Years later , I ’ d have to fire her for paying assassins to kill me in my swimming pool . She was magnificent . “ I broke … into Maldy ’ s desk , sir , ” she panted . “ He … hid the key under a falcon statue . I found his research … on what the other trade princes are up to . ” “ Great , ” I said . Maldy was getting soft if he was leaving that sort of thing lying around . “ What are they doing ? We gotta copy them if we ’ re gonna stay competitive . ” Thissy shuffled through the papers . “ Building mercenary armies . ” “ Useful . Send a gift basket full of gold to the Southsea Freebooters . ” “ Metal or chocolate , sir ? ” “ Chocolate . They ’ re gonna bite it anyway . Might as well give them a treat . What else ? ” “ Perfume . ” “ Perfume ? ” “ Trade Prince Donais is really into it , sir . ” “ Okay . Let me save you some time . Everything that ’ s on that list ? Get someone who works for me to do it . Get out of here . I have a party to attend . ” Thissy nodded once and took off . I got three steps closer to the manor before Riddlevox , director of the Tinkers ’ Union , jumped out of a bush . “ You remember the plan ? ” he hissed . “ I wrote the plan , ” I said , trying not to grit my teeth . I ’ d based it on Trade Prince Maldy ’ s big weakness : he actually loved his daughter . If you ’ re a trade prince , you can ’ t afford close family members or friends ; “ chum ” and “ chump ” sound the same for a reason . My pop was the exception , of course . He had the ambition of soggy wood . Besides , anyone who tried to kidnap him to threaten me found out if a goblin could be crammed into a cannon and shot safely from Kezan to Booty Bay . “ Don ’ t screw this up , Gallywix , ” said Riddlevox , climbing back into the bush . “ And don ’ t get any ideas . You may get to be called a trade prince , but you ’ ll work for us , understand ? ” “ You got it , boss . ” In your dreams , idiot . The guard at the edge of the dance floor waved me past with a slight nod . I ’ d spent two months replacing Trade Prince Maldy ’ s bodyguards with my own mercenaries . I sauntered on through . Ever had everyone at a party turn and cheer as you came in ? No ? I recommend it . A hundred goblins tried to catch my eye or give me a drink . I ignored them and skimmed a handful of lobstrok puffs off a passing tray . I had work to do here . I ’ d never met the trade prince ’ s daughter , Nessa . My researcher had said she ’ d bought a blue dress and a diamond dragonfly hairclip for the party . He ’ d added that she looked “ stunning " . I ’ d fired him , naturally . But when I saw Nessa from across the party , I realized that for the first time in my life , I owed someone an apology . She was so beautiful that you ’ d believe she was getting paid overtime for it . Skin the color of the deep green sea , eyes as dark as midnight in an emerald mine . The shine of her coiled hair made the diamond clip look cheap . An invisible hand pulled me by the lungs through the crowd to her . I couldn ’ t be stopped . I knew that I had to get control back here ; Plan A depended on my getting her away from the party and into the hands of the kidnap squad so that Maldy would surrender without a fight . “ Wanna dance ? ” I said , tossing Plan A out the window . “ Why not ? ” she replied . I realized she ’ d watched me come over the whole way . Outstanding . “ Nandirx here is boring the life out of me . ” I spun her away from the devastated little banker towards the middle of the dance floor . We chatted as we danced , but I couldn ’ t tell you about what . I felt drunk . My ambitions were in big trouble . If I moved against her father , I ’ d lose my chance at her , and let me tell you , her beauty was even more staggering up close . I had to play it cool . “ Marry me , ” I blurted . She snorted . “ I barely know you , Mr . Gallywix , ” she said . “ I can fix that , ” I said . “ I ’ m — ” “ President of the massive Copper Street Conglomerate , advisor to the Tinkers ’ Union , big goblin in the Trade Coalition , and the second - richest guy in the Bilgewater Cartel , ” she finished with a half smile . She ’ d read my press release ! “ But I can ’ t marry you , ” she continued . “ Sure , you ’ ve gotten lucky a few times , but I like ruthless goblins . Risk takers . ” I was speechless for a few seconds . I ’ m not very good at speechless , though , so I recovered . I told her about my early days . Waved newspaper clippings in her face about mysterious hospital fires and orphan extortion . Gave directions to where the literal bodies were buried . And from there , dove into the really nasty stuff . She listened , cocking her head to one side . Occasionally , she smiled . When I ’ d finished , she shrugged and said , “ That ’ s a good start . I guess . ” What a dame , right ? Up until then , I ’ d actually felt guilty — no , really — about Plan B , but I was suddenly sure that it was the way to win her over . She wanted a really ruthless goblin . I practically had her blessing ! I didn ’ t notice the commotion behind me until a cane rapped my shoulder . I glared back at … oops . “ Ah , so you ’ re the one who ’ s been monopolizing my daughter , young Gallywix , ” Trade Prince Maldy said , leaning back on his thick cane . His hand , heavy with thick gold rings , flexed on the suspiciously hilt - like handle . Silence fell over the party . These goblins had seen enough high - class backstabbery to know something was coming . “ Pleasure to finally meet you . Get your hands off the merchandise . ” “ Sorry , sir , ” I said , moving away from Nessa . “ Thank you . I heard that my security forces burned down your counterfeiting factory last month . Hope you didn ’ t take it personally . Just business . ” “ Don ’ t say ‘ just ’ , sir , ” I said , grinning . “ It sounds like an apology . ” His wrinkled face split into a wide , leathery smile . “ I knew I liked you , ” he said . “ Are you enjoying my daughter ’ s party ? ” “ Her party ? ” I said , signaling the guards . “ Not anymore . It ’ s mine now . ” “ What ? ” Maldy barked , brows crinkling . “ As of sunset today , I own a majority of your holdings in the Trade Coalition through a hundred false fronts and small businesses . You could check , but I ’ ve bought off your administration , so you don ’ t wanna trust them . I own your security forces . I stole the land under your house . And you rented those rings from one of my shops . You ’ re done , Maldy . You ’ re done , and everyone knows it . ” Somewhere in the distance , a parrot squawked . Maldy reddened , then purpled , looking around for an ally and seeing my bruisers closing around us in a wall instead . I held them back with both hands . To impress Nessa , the next part needed a personal touch . “ My shipment , ” he snarled . “ Half of my fleet is setting sail right now with a weapons shipment to the Alliance . I ’ ll make a fortune and buy everything back . ” “ I ’ m glad you mentioned that , ” I said , and pulled a remote from my pocket . “ I brought a show for your guests . Push the button . ” “ No ! ” “ What , you don ’ t like surprises ? You afraid ? I thought trade princes were supposed to have guts ! Push the button , Maldy ! ” Baring his teeth like an old lion , Maldy stabbed his finger at the big red button . Down in the harbor , each ship in his trade fleet exploded into roaring balls of fire in perfect alphabetical order . Winking at Maldy ’ s shock , I snatched his cane out of his hand , drew the sword my researcher had told me was in there , and leveled it at Nessa without even looking her way . “ So . You got an hour to get off Kezan before I ventilate your daughter and drop you headfirst into Mount Kajaro , ” I said , beaming at Maldy . Then I turned back to Nessa . “ How ’ s that for ruthless ? ” Oh . Her face was so pale , I could almost see through it . “ Too much ? ” I said , squinting . She stormed forward past the sword and slapped me across the face . Then she took her pop by the shoulders and led him away through the breathless crowd . I dropped the blade and raised two hands and four fingers in the traditional goblin symbols for complete and utter victory . The guests … my guests … roared their approval , rushing forward to hammer my back and congratulate me while slipping business cards and bribes into my pockets . I didn ’ t look any of them in the eye . Instead , I watched Nessa lead her father all the way down the hill outside the manor . Secret 3 : If Your Retirement Plan Doesn ’ t Include a Palace , You ’ re Doing It Wrong That was more than twenty years ago . You might be wondering if I have any regrets . Sure , I exiled the love of my life within ten minutes of meeting her and arranged the later , thoroughly accidental death of my never - to - be father - in - law . Everyone I ’ ve ever known has tried to betray me . I am alone . HA ! Right . Oh , no , my limitless wealth and power are all I have ! How tragic ! Send me sympathy money . Just so you know , I send Nessa a new painting every year of me enjoying my riches . She sends me plain boxes wired with explosives . Who says long - distance relationships don ’ t work ? After years of writing the fine print , my hand cramps pretty easy , so I ’ m gonna wrap this up . You know a lot of my secrets now , but don ’ t fool yourself . You ’ re never gonna beat me . There ’ s never been a trap I couldn ’ t turn to my advantage . Even when that goblin I ’ m not gonna name tried to get that brute of an orc Thrall to kill me , I still ended up on top . Literally . Have you seen my new place ? A palace on top of a mountain in Azshara ? Ocean views ? Grenade golf course ? Secret booze cellar ? Sultry dames in the pool ? No , of course you haven ’ t . Losers aren ’ t welcome on my property . But , hey , I ’ m not fooling myself . I know I won ’ t live forever . Have you looked out a window lately ? This planet ’ s cracked like an eggshell . Azshara could be underwater tomorrow . You bought my book , which makes us pals , right ? Right . So , in the unlikely event that you live longer than me , there ’ s only one thing you need to do to take over the goblin race . Win . That ’ s really it . I told you that you need to hold onto what ’ s yours , be ruthless , and have a palace to be ruthless in . But if you want to be me , kiddo , you gotta see everything as yours for the taking . And you have to do anything and everything to grab it . So , get out there and win . Cheat your friends and family , exploit people who trust you , and steal yourself a nice starter mansion . Make a fat profit . “ But how do I get rich , Trade Prince Gallywix ? ” Good question , pal . Unfortunately , that ’ s a whole different book , and as you might ’ ve noticed , I ain ’ t in the habit of giving things away for free . I ’ ll tell you what . Just start sending your money , jewelry , fried delicacies , and exotic animals to my pleasure palace . When I decide you ’ ve paid enough , I ’ ll mail out a copy of Getting Rich the Gallywix Way . And you got my personal guarantee that there ’ s no fish jerky scam in that book * . I look forward to doing business with you , chum . < nowiki > * < / nowiki > The meaning of “ scam ” , hereinafter referred to as “ the word ” , is wholly defined by Trade Prince Gallywix . Any attempt to discover the definition of the word will result in legal action . Any attempt to define the word will result in legal action . Any complaints about this volume or the recipes for murloc fin soup , murloc eye soup , murloc scale soup , or murloc “ don ’ t even ask ” soup in the following twenty - seven volumes will result in legal action . Any legal action will result in devastating retaliatory legal action . Don ’ t mess with me , chump . I have a scorpid pit , and you don ’ t .