Episode 105 : First Show / transcript Welcome to the jim henson hour . We ' ll start out tonight with the car chase of the week Followed by the very small swimsuit show Guaranteed to win friends . Leon , who put you in charge ? Just filling in till you got here . How small ? What ? What ? Leon ' s swimsuit show - - How small are they going to be ? Ix - nay - - not in front of the og - fray . Digit , stand by to roll the opening . Standing by . Roll the opening . Rolling the opening . Rolling the opening . Rolling the opening . Rolling the opening . Thank you . Are you okay ? Yes , it was just a scratch . Ahh ! Ahh ! Ahh ! Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh ! Ooh ! Captioning made possible by nbc and by . . . Holiday inn " Stay with someone you know . " Good evening , and happy mother ' s day . Welcome to this special sunday - night edition of our show . We ' ll be seeing " Miss piggy ' s hollywood " With dudley moore , justine bateman George wendt and bob hope . It ' s an inside look at tinsel town . Miss piggy : the perfect place to shop is rodeo drive . This will do , hugbunny . Before that , we go to muppet central . That ' s the television control room run by Kermit the Frog . Kermit has every satellite feed on earth available to him . He plans to pick the best . I know that bobby mcferrin is the guest star . What else is happening ? Let me show you some highlights . Oh , my goodness ! We ' ve got to get this fixed . When people across the country Tried kodak ' s easy - to - use s - series cameras The results were remarkable . They took the best pictures of their lives . nn ! 0 Digit : kermit ? Yeah ? The tapes are cued up . . . I ' m over here . Oh . . . And the computer is on line . Then I can get started , right ? No ! No ? What ' s wrong ? I meant " No . " It just came out " Yes . " Actually , it came out " No . " Well , I ' m experiencing a small short circuit In my own personal electronics , kermit . It ' s a minor glitch in my voice . . . And when I say " No , " I mean " Yes " And vice versa . That ' s terrible . No . Is it permanent ? Yes . That ' s good . Is bobby mcferrin ' s number cued up ? No . Terrific . Cue bobby mcferrin . ♪ sure way to fly . ♪ ♪ sure way to fly . ♪ ♪ sure to fly . ♪ ♪ sure way to flow . ♪ ♪ sure way to flow . ♪ ♪ so de bur . ♪ ♪ so de bur . ♪ ♪ yo duh de bugguh . ♪ Hunh ? ♪ yo duh de bugguh . ♪ Hunh ? Yeah , that ' s it . They call a number like that " Off the wall . " Okay , bobby mcferrin sang And that was real nice . and , uh . . . Vicky , what are you doing ? I just love watching creative people work . Oh . What is it you do exactly ? There are tv signals From all over the universe here And I have to decide Which ones to put on the show . Not just any show . As a child I used to watch the muppet show . We don ' t need to go into that . Of course , I was so young . Vicky , please . My day care center just loved the bear . Vicky , work , now ! Yes , sir , right ! Digit ! Digit : yes ! Are you ready to cue the nature documentary ? Yes . That ' s terrible . Why ? When you say " Yes , " you mean " No . " No , no , no , I fixed my voice relay . Now your motor reflexes are shorting out ? You know me too well . Can you just cue the documentary ? I can if I can find the button . Oh , I know . Here in the forest glade , different species coexist In a delicate web of interdependence . Yes , the subtle balance of the woodland scene Is a vivid example of a society living in harmony with itself . In nature ' s university , we gain a new reverence for life . Sorry . Ooh , that was brutal and destructive and . . . And the ratings were fantastic . What ratings ? As soon as things got really violent The whole world was watching our show . That ' s good . No , that ' s bad - - or it ' s too bad that it was good . Isn ' t there anything anybody likes watching Other than violence ? Yes , there is one other thing That people go for in a really big way - - Heh - heh - heh - - girls strutting . Ho ! Actually , kermit , it was my idea . Get out of here ! Get out , everybody ! I ' m going to get to the bottom of this rating business . Vicky ! Yes , sir . Would you explain this system here ? Figures from all over the world Pour into muppet central . These charts indicate which people are watching According to groups . Uh - huh . Men , women , youths , retirees , black , brown , green . . . Thank you . You ' re welcome . . . . College graduates , blue - collar workers And a mr . Harry stapleton . These charts are fascinating But why are they all falling ? Viewers hate watching people talk about charts . Digit , what have we got to cut to ? ! It ' s a yuppie drama About a married couple . What ' s it called ? Hurting something . Worth a shot . I don ' t see why I can ' t be A competent successful executive And still be a woman . Ah , that ' s better . And underneath your polished corporate exterior I know there ' s a frightened little boy Just dying to get out . Anthony ? Hmm ? Never mind . I ' m going to take a bath . Okay , honey . Sure thing , honey . Fern ? Fern , what ' s going on ? There ' s one of those things in the tub ! Oh , it ' s a nasty one . It is , isn ' t it ? It ' s one of those Big - city brokers . Ugh , it ' s disgusting . Quick , wash it down the drain . Now , fern , you know it ' s bad luck to kill one . I ' ll just . . . Catch it in this , and put it outside . Come here , little fellow . . . Got you ! Can I look yet ? Actually , on second thought I think it ' s only A common lawyer . I ' ll litigate ! Ooh , look at its legs . How do you suppose it got in here ? Oh , probably through a loophole . Oh , that tickles . Yuck ! How can you touch it ? Don ' t be such a little girl . Here , it won ' t hurt you . Stop it ! Wait a minute . Where did it go ? He got away . Aaaah ! There he is ! Anthony , please just take it away . Oh , okay . I ' ll just put you outside where you belong . There you go . You ' ll be safe in the bushes . No , bruno , leave him alone ! Stay ! Good boy . Well , it wasn ' t funny . I was only teasing . Teasing ? Teasing is just a way of trivializing my fears At a time in my life When I am trying to work through them . I was being insensitive . There ' s bruno . He wants to come in . What do you say ? Just this once ? Oh , yes . . . Oh , there ' s bruno . Hello , bruno ! Come on up . Oh , what a good boy ! Oh , that ' s a good boy ! How are the ratings , vicky ? Well , sir , we had the whole west coast And mr . Harry stapleton . These demographics are really tough . Hi , kermit , I ' m here . Oh , hi , bean . Say hello to mr . Balloon . We hired bean to be cute So the rest of us don ' t have to bother . Aw , you didn ' t say hello . You hurt his feelings . Bean , balloons do not have feelings , so just go . Bye - bye ! That ' s the last thing I need . Wow , look at those ratings ! Those are the best we ' ve ever had ! Bean ! Bean ! Come back , bean ! Time for a commercial , mr . Kermit . Oh , fine . After these messages , we ' ll be back With a lot of funny sketches , neat songs And maybe some sex . What ? Just a little sex But all of it starring bean bunny ! Oh , brother . ♪ a double pleasure ' s waiting for you ♪ ♪ a double pleasure from doublemint gum ♪ ♪ that double great feeling ♪ ♪ making you realize ♪ ♪ doublemint ' s the one for you ♪ ♪ double fresh ♪ ♪ double smooth ♪ ♪ double delicious to chew ♪ ♪ a double pleasure ' s waiting for you ♪ ♪ doublemint gum ♪ ♪ a double pleasure ' s waiting for you ♪ ♪ doublemint gum . ♪ They were . . . Mcdonald ' s . . . In the hands of your innocent children , Hot cakes become . . . French fries become . . . Eight different new food changeables . Two each week . One with each happy meal . New food changeables . Collect all eight . ♪ whoo - oo - oo ♪ Whoa , look at those ratings ! Fantastic ! I guess you people really love commercials . Oh , hi , kermit . Any luck ? No , I couldn ' t find bean bunny anywhere . Vicky : telephone . I ' ll get it . Hello , muppet central , the great gonzo speaking . Hi , miss piggy . Look what happened to the ratings . It happened when I said miss piggy . " " " We could use her right now . Why don ' t we ? Piggy gave up television To pursue her career as a film star . I know that . Nobody wants to talk to you , miss piggy . Wait a second , I do . Let me have the phone there . Hello , piggy , this is kermit . . . The frog . Kermie , darling , how is the show doing ? Kermit : actually , at the moment , not terrific . We need a boost . Would you like to be on the show ? Kermie , I am working on a documentary But it ' s not ready yet . Oh , rats . It ' s all about my hollywood . As a matter of fact I ' m taking a meeting at the hotel pool . We ' re putting together tres exciting cinema project . Pig , I ' ve got to phone my old lady . Kermit : who was that , piggy ? That was sylvester stallone . You know how impatient he can be . Just a minute , sly . Can ' t we run your hollywood show ? Look , pig , if my old lady don ' t hear from me regular . . . Kermie , clint and dustin just arrived So I have to run . Call me and we ' ll do lunch . Love you , ciao . Are you hoping to have children someday ? Wow , I don ' t believe it - - Miss piggy , I just heard . The star of the old muppet show On this phone - - wow ! Oh , I ' m sorry , I forgot . She dumped you , didn ' t she ? She did not dump me . We didn ' t have the kind of . . . Digit : kermit , somebody ' s jamming our signal . Can you stop it ? Yes and no . Oh , I get it . Now we ' re on . This is guerrilla television And we ' re transmitting to you From a top secret location . Unlike the commercial mush you ' ve been watching We bring you stuff the networks were afraid to put on the air . Chip hanover . Is that wide enough ? This is marc weiner . Hi . And I ' m rocco . This is rocco . Shut up , weiner . This guy knows what it ' s like To be on the streets . A man who became an entertainer So that children could hear His political message . Right . And yet you resist the lure Of commercial success . . . I ' ll pass . . . . As represented by jim henson And his ilk . Hold on right there . I think jim henson ' s great . What a wuss ! Lighten up , rocco . Why don ' t you just do your act ? I can begin now ? Keep out of this . Sorry . Which camera ? This one here . All right . Ladies and gentlemen , I , the great rocco Will now transmit myself via satellite From the red box To the blue box and back again . This tck has only been done once , and the guy died . . . Ooh . Ooh . . . . 20 years later . I am now stepping into the red box . One , two , three - - I am now in the blue box . Whoa ! One , two , three . . . I ' m back . Ladies and gentlemen , thank you . Thank you . That was really , like , east german . You don ' t see that on prime time . That was terrible . Shut up , weiner . Listen to me , you little fool . I ' ve had enough of this . You will listen to me And do everything that I command you to . You hear me ? And give me the respect that I deserve . Hey , let go of him , you fascist . Are you crazy ? Don ' t you realize how dangerous it is To wake up someone under hypnosis ? I was levitating . I could have gotten killed . Look , squirt , I was trying to defend you . Are you calling me a squirt ? Weiner , can ' t you shut him up ? Shut me up ? This is guerrilla television Signing off . Trash the place ! Get weiner ! Thank goodness we ' re back . Digit , this monitor is still broken . Did you call maintenance ? No . You ' re saying " No " When you mean " Yes " again , yes ? No . Did you call for maintenance ? No . He meant " Yes . " The muppets are in production today ? Yes , but this monitor needs to be fixed . The model 14s always do that . It just takes a tiny adjustment . Digit , is that a good idea ? Yes . Sure , this guy knows repair . He ' s got a malfunction . We ' ll take care of him in a minute . Here goes . He fixed it . Digit , you ' re next . No , no ! Yes , yes , oh , please , yes . Do you believe these show people ? Wait a second . Digit : yes , yes . Oh , yes ! Digit , are you all right ? Yes , I ' m . . . Kermit , I ' m fixed . Next time you ' ll know how to do it yourself . Oh , look , it ' s bobby mcferrin . Cue bobby . Hi , I ' m bobby mcferrin . Tonight I ' ll be reading the music news Aided by an interpreter for the totally unhip . Seems like there was some kind of earthquake today . . . ♪ biji wiji . ♪ On the tropical island of . . . What was it ? ♪ biji wiji . ♪ Biji wiji . The quaking and shaking Lasted for only a few minutes . Nobody was hurt . But it took four days To clean up all the coconuts . I ' m bobby mcferrin , and that ' s the , uh . . . Wait a minute , what ' s going on here ? I ' ll bet that ' ll make the rating charts go up . Forget the charts , mr . Kermit . Waldo ' s got a great idea . What is it , waldo ? I ' ve just invented something That will make that rating system old hat . Waldo , must you do that ? Well , he ' s a computer graphic But he ' s very sensitive about it . I tell you , that rating system you ' ve been using is a dinosaur . But welcome to " The cutting edge . " Oh ! Careful . Waldo . Come on , waldo . Waldo . No , oh ! Waldo , will you cut that out ? Sorry . Nervous habit . Okay , I ' m going into the computer . Vicky , tell the frog here what it is we ' re doing . Vicky , tell the frog What it is we ' re doing . Okay , come over here and I ' ll show you . We call it the response - omatic . Huh ? Waldo is fixing the computer So that it will instantly adapt our programming To what the viewers want . Picking out programs is my job . Oh , so that ' s what you do . Anyway , the response - omatic will do all that Using up - to - the - second ratings . It starts in the soap opera mode . Don ' t worry , darling . When your sister realizes That you weren ' t the one Who sabotaged the brakes On your mother ' s wheelchair I ' m sure she ' ll return . Oh , if only I hadn ' t left her on top of that hill . Kermit : what was that ? That was a ratings alarm . The data indicate that viewers Are not keen on soap operas And are more interested in game shows . So what happens ? Watch . That was mom all over . We just heard from your sister . She ' s in sydney . Sydney ? But that ' s in australia . That ' s right . Sydney is located in australia . Now , for 20 points What request did oliver north make Of president reagan ? Pardon me ? Exactly right ! You ' re our new champion . Let ' s meet our next challenger . He ' s red dorfman from oak bark , michigan . Red , tell us about yourself . Well , bob , I ' m . . . In pursuit of a 10 - 14 Northbound on elm . My partner is returning fire . I am ? Pick up the gun . What do I need a gun for ? That ' s why . Cover me . Cover you ? With what ? I don ' t understand . You mean you don ' t understand Why you have violated federation territory ? Captain , the ship has just armed its ray guns . So it ' s battle you want . Well , yes . . . I mean . . . Kermit : hold it , wait , stop , cut . But mr . Kermit , it was going so well . Vicky , we can ' t have a machine decide . Listen to the frog . He ' s right . Thank you . Right now , we need a happy . . . Rousing . Rousing . . . Warm . . . . Warm musical number . But we don ' t have anything prepared . There ' s a little something I ' ve worked out . What ' s that , bean ? La bamba ! La bamba ? ♪ para bailar la bamba ♪ Why not ? ♪ para bailar la bamba ♪ ♪ se necesita una poca de gracia ♪ ♪ una poca de gracia para mi , para ti ♪ ♪ ay , arriba y arriba ♪ ♪ ay , arriba y arriba ♪ ♪ por ti sere , por ti sere , por ti sere ♪ ♪ yo no soy marinero ♪ ♪ yo no soy marinero ♪ ♪ soy capitan , soy capitan , soy capitan ♪ Yes ! ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ para bailar la bamba ♪ ♪ para bailar la bamba ♪ ♪ se necesita una poca de gracia ♪ ♪ una poca de gracia para mi , para ti ♪ ♪ ay , arriba y arriba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ para bailar la bamba ♪ ♪ para bailar la bamba ♪ ♪ se necesita una poca de gracia ♪ ♪ una poca de gracia para mi , para ti ♪ ♪ ay , arriba y arriba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ ay , arriba y arriba ♪ ♪ por ti sere , por ti sere , por ti sere ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba ♪ ♪ bamba , bamba . . . ♪ Yeah , something like that could work . Prince charming is the little dog Who was best - in - show at westminster And this is the first time in history A pomeranian has ever done this . I am so glad that a dog food company Finally came up with a product just for these little guys . Pedigree select dinners is perfect for the small dog . Just look at this ! This is the beef select dinner . Smells like fresh meat . Looks like fresh meat . And the dogs love it . This is what we ' ve been waiting for And it really works . New pedigree select dinners . There ' s something about ice cream . Picture ten five - year - olds at my son billy ' s birthday party . The games are a flop . Kids crying , billy ' s hiding . Then I serve ice cream . Suddenly everyone ' s having a ball . There ' s just something about ice cream . @ you mean " We " ? So here we are , ready for the second half of our show . You look very cool in those . I ' m sure nobody ' s going to recognize you . Took me a while to get him to wear them But it seems right - - we ' re going to hollywood . It ' s always best to do what the natives do . Now that we ' re ready , let ' s look at " Miss piggy ' s hollywood . " Miss piggy presents A miss piggy production From a miss piggy concept Miss piggy ' s hollywood ! Starring miss piggy With a special report from fozzie bear And the great gonzo . Ah ! Gonzo , this is the opening to my show . Yes , and it ' s going very well . Good evening , dear fans And welcome to moi ' s hollywood . Won ' t vous hop on board this tres lovely automobile With my chauffeur and bodyguard and personal trainer , lars ? Is he not cute ? Join us now as we visit such exciting hollywood sights As the la brea tar pits Mann ' s chinese laundry The hollywood ear wax museum . Excuse me . Gonzo , let me see those cards . What is this ? Important hollywood sights . You ' re lucky I have such refined taste . Of course , the only reason gonzo is working on moi ' s show Is that he was willing to fly to l . A . As baggage . Actually , I prefer to fly as baggage . Uh , yeah , right . Let us take a driving tour of the stars ' hometown , hollywood . Step on it , cuddles . Gonzo : wow , what a great opening ! Oh , yes , this is hollywood Where the dreams you dare to dream really do come true . Here we stars live as one big happy , fabulous family . In our town It is very common for a member of the family of stars Such as moiself , to drop in on another star To chat or perhaps to borrow a cup of s Here we are at a typical fabulous mansion Of a typically fabulous superstar . I shall ring the bell and give you a chance To watch two superstars as we chit - chat . This is so cool ! Get out , get out , get out ! Can you see anybody ? Gonzo , I thought you were going To call ahead . I was , but you said we could just drop in - - The family of the stars . Oh , it seems we have A slight technical problem . Come along , gonzo . Who lives here , anyway ? I don ' t know . I came all this way for nothing . Kind of reminds me of the oscars . Another place to find members of the hollywood amily Of course , when they are not at home Is here in front of the famous chinese theater Here on hollywood ' s walk of fame . We stars enjoy visiting This charming little acknowledgement Of our famousness . Here is carole lombard And bill cosby The dear bette midler . And here , of course Is moi . Gonzo : whoa , this is great , miss piggy . Your star is portable . I bet none of the others are . Oh , I guess bette midler must be really jealous , huh ? Uh , next we have . . . Bette ' s got to truck All the way down here to see hers But you can take yours anywhere . Next on " Miss piggy ' s hollywood " We have a special report from our correspondent fozzie bear Standing by at hollywood ' s famous nightclub The comedy store . Will you put that down ? ! Oh , no , I ' m sorry , I ' m not at the comedy store yet . As you can see , I ' ve just arrived on the coast . Boy , am I hungry ! I think I ' ll have some of the sandwiches here . Get it ? The " Sand which is " right here . . . Ahhh ! Back to the pig . What shall we do while we wait for that report ? Well , the perfect thing to do anytime is shop And the perfect place to shop is rodeo drive . This will do , hugbunny . Just find a parking meter with some time on it already . Thank you . Oh , yes , every time is like the first time . Mmmm ! Oh , oh , I love it ! Oh , miss , miss , yo , miss . May I help you ? Oh , yes , yes . I wish to purchase this dress . How much is it ? $ 23 , 000 , madam . Twenty - thr . . . Ahh . Oh , gosh , and I wanted it in blue . We have blue , just step over . . . Actually I was looking for a petite size . We have all sizes , madam . Actually , do you have it in polyester ? No , madam , I ' m so sorry . Darn . Aaaah ! Gonzo , hurry - - a celebrity ! Oh , cool ! Madam , please . George , what a pleasure to see you again . Miss piggy . This is the gentlemen ' s dressing area . Ó8 ' re doing television . My first guest this evening Is the charming mr . George wendt . Now , tell our viewers , georgie What it ' s like being a famous hollywood star . I hardly think of . . Why don ' t you tell us About the lavish parties That we hobnobbed at ? I ' m not mu of a h bnobber . You must remember steven ' s party . Steven ' s ? Spielberg . Where we saw liz . Liz ? Taylor , talking to jack . Lemmon ? Nicholson . He introduced us to liza . Minelli . Of course . Liza was with sly . Stallone . And richard . Widmark . Pryor ? Nixon ? Help me out , miss piggy . Oh , george , you are such a kidder . Just one more question . This tailor ' s a very busy man . Isn ' t he wonderful ? George ! George ? Look , miss piggy . . . Whoa , what are you doing in here ? Oh , sorry . Wow , cool shorts . Wa - ha - ha . George , just a few more questions . I ' m changing . Go right ahead . How much money do you make ? Tell us about your co - stars . Have those backstage feuds really died w ? How about ted danson ? What is he really like ? Is he single ? Do you have his number ? Waa ! George , how about that lunch ? I ' m busy . Next week ? Always . Thank you , george For taking those few minutes out to chat with us ! ! Wow , great interview . Um . . . Uh . . . Now a special report from fozzie bear At the comedy store nightclub . Oh ! Nice . Uh - - well , actually , piggy I ' m not quite at the comedy store But I am " Doggedly " determined to get there . Ahhh ! Oh , I really " Relish " these jokes . Mmmm ! Well , while we are waiting for that report Moi has arranged a rare , exclusive Behind - the - scenes glimpse Of hollywood backlots and studios . Gonzo : here ' s some tickets . We don ' t need tickets . That ' s right - - we had our hands stamped . Um , welcome to universal studios . ♪ it ' s me that you ' ve come here to see ♪ ♪ this backlot where I give all I ' ve got ♪ ♪ is where tricks make for big boffo bricks ♪ ♪ that ' s entertainment ! ♪ ♪ have heart when the world falls apart ♪ ♪ ' cause the crash makes your movie a smash ♪ ♪ and an ape ♪ ♪ leaves the crowd all agape ♪ ♪ that ' s entertainment ! ♪ ♪ now , the set may get wet when the water won ' t stop ♪ ♪ still , a splash makes a flash ♪ ♪ it ' s a look you can ' t top ♪ ♪ but without moi , it ' s a flop ♪ ♪ what would there be to see , sir ♪ ♪ if it ' s not starring me , sir ? ♪ Gonzo : wow , aren ' t special effects cool ? I just need background for a star . I ' m telling you This is really spectacular . Look at this stuff crashing down ! It ' s fantastic Stupendous , unbelievable ! You are missing the point . I am ? Gonzo , effects are nothing Without the star . Oh , that is wonderful , piggy ! Thank you . Miss piggy : ♪ the stunts may be leaden with grunts ♪ ♪ the effects may be better than sex ♪ ♪ but that stuff simply isn ' t enough ♪ ♪ the screen would not be ♪ ♪ just cannot be ♪ ♪ I ' m entertainment ! ♪ Wow , what a great effect ! Ha - ha ! Piggy ? When does one minute Seem more like one zillion minutes ? When it ' s the minute it takes to microwave Cheez whiz instant hot cheese sauce . As you wait , your thoughts turn To that tingly tang of cheddary cheez whiz . Poured up and down nachos Back and forth over broccoli Melted over macaroni . Then just when you can ' t wait a second longer . . . The waiting is over . Cheez whiz process cheese spread . I love ' em dearly But I love ' em 25 % less than I used to . I can ' t tell you how much I love these guys But I can tell you it ' s 25 % less than before . Love your family 25 % less With fleischmann ' s light . 25 % less saturated fat , salt and calories Than regular margarine . And 100 % delicious . I love him with all my heart But today that ' s 25 % less . Fleischmann ' s light . Love your family 25 % less . Once again , it ' s time to just drop in On another of my famous hollywood friends . Here we are at the fabulous hollywood home of . . . Danny devito . . . . Of danny devito , wonderful comedian . . . No , no , no - - it ' s cher . Sorry . . . . Whose career as a singer has blossomed Into an oscar - winning performance . . . It could be lassie . . . . And whose lovable canine antics Have delighted millions . Let ' s see if he , she or it is home , shall we ? Man : hello , who is that ? It is miss piggy . Can you open the gate , please ? Do you have security clearance ? Some stars are very timid off the screen . We will conduct the interview from here . Tell us , dear , what is your next film ? Will you please leave ? We have guard dogs all around the building . Oh , an action film . Thank you for chatting with us . And now , fozzie bear - - let ' s go , gonzo . Real nice person . Down to earth , don ' t you think ? I ' m not at the comedy store just yet But I am on sunset strip . Actually , I ' m at the sunset strip cleaners . As long as I ' m here , maybe I ' d better clean up my act . Ahhh ! Miss piggy : yes , well , while we wait for that report Let us visit that quaint little inn The beverly hills hotel Where the posh and powerful pause To be painted and pampered . Why don ' t you go and wax the car , honeybuns ? I shall be at the pool . Oh , what a lovely sight ! Stars just toning their tans . Look , ooh ! It ' s justine bateman . Oh , justine , dear ! Oh , how are you ? Kissy , kissy . Miss piggy ? How are you ? What a pleasure it is To have this chance to chat with you . I ' d love to chat But I ' m waiting to be interviewed by barbara walters . Barbara who ? Psst , psst . Uh , excusez - moi . What ? That ' s us . What ' s us ? When I gave your name Her agent wouldn ' t come to the phone . I improvised the barbara walters stuff . Well , justine There seems to have been One of those eensy - teensy hollywood mixups . What happened to barbara walters ? Oh , lovely woman , isn ' t she ? And if she were here I ' m certain she ' d want to begin By asking you . . . You mean barbara walters isn ' t coming ? No . . . Um , but I ' m certain that she Along with all of our viewers Who are watching right now , justine . . . Yes , I ' m sure they would all like to know more about you . What is your greatest challenge as a star ? Challenge ? Hair care , paparazzi Getting the right dressing room . Actually , I think my greatest challenge Is a difficult acting task . Say what ? Acting . Oh , yeah , right - - acting . For instance , if I played someone Who had been betrayed . . . How would you do that ? I would try to understand What the character thinks . Show me how , show me . Well , what has this character gone through ? Has she been misled ? Misled , yes . Was she drawn somewhere Thinking that she was going to be With a particular person Only to find there ' s another person there Instead . Oh . Perhaps she had personal engagements Which she put aside Only to find she was victim of a cruel hoax . And perhaps promises were broken . And perhaps she ' s been pushed too far ! Wow , great stunt , miss piggy ! I guess the interview ' s over . Yeah . Coming up next on " Miss piggy ' s hollywood " The fabulous fozzie bear Reporting live from the comedy store nightclub . Barbara walters , huh ? Hiya , this is fozzie bear for " Miss piggy ' s hollywood " And finally - - aha ! I am here at the world - famous comedy store Where dozens of famous comedians have gotten their starts Comedians like robin williams and david letterman and now . . . Fozzie bear . That ' s right . It is audition day at the comedy store . So the duck says If I had a match , I ' d have offered you a light . Next . Thank you . Number 23 - - bear , fozzie . Let ' s move it , please ! Th - that ' s me . ♪ bop bop bop bop bop baa ♪ Thank you , thank you , and thank you . Wocka - wocka . Here goes . Ha - ha - ha . Um , boy , it ' s great to be in hollywood But my hotel room is so small When I bring in my welcome mat , I have wall - to - wall carpeting . Yeah , uh . . . Boy , it ' s a rough town , too . I was walking down sunset boulevard And I saw two peanuts . One was " As - salted . " Oh , no , that comedian ' s a bear . Worse than that , he ' s barely a comedian . It ' s you guys . Why do you torment me ? We were about to ask you The same question . It won ' t work . I ' ve got a new gimmick , and I ' ll be hot as a pistol . Hot as a pistol ? Well , he does have the right to bear arms . I ' d say he has the right to bear legs , too ! Come on , just listen to my gimmick . Please ? What is it ? A laugh track , and here it is . Thank you . My hotel room is so small , I brought my welcome mat in And now I ' ve got wall - to - wall carpeting . Thank you , thank you . It ' s a rough town , too . When I was walking down sunset boulevard , I saw two peanuts . One was " As - salted . " Thank you . Why did the potato go to the riviera ? Because he wanted to be a french fry . We give up . You ' re a hit . Thank you , thank you . You ' ve been a wonderful machine . Thank you , now back to miss piggy . Miss piggy : I can ' t do this . Gonzo : it ' ll be all right - - give it a shot . All right . Um , yes , well - - once again Here we are at the hollywood home Of another of moi ' s dear , dear celebrity friends Mr . Roger moore . That ' s dudley moore . You sure it ' s not barbara walters ? Let us knock , shall we ? A dear , dear , sweet personal friend of mine Roger moore will come right out here And talk to you , my audi . . . Stop , that ' s it ! I ' ve had it . I can ' t do it anymore . I ' m an honest woman I cannot lie to my public anymore . I promised to show you my celebrity friends . You see what ' s happened - - it ' s a sham . It ' s not the show I envisioned . I tried to give you what you wanted . It ' s hard being a pig in hollywood . I did my best . Miss piggy ? What ? Miss piggy , it is you ! Dudley ? Dudley moore ! What a delight to see you ! Miss piggy at my house ! I . . . Please come in . Oh , thank vous . Oooh ! Wow , don ' t you guys think this is so cool ? Miss piggy I can ' t believe you ' re here . This is like a dream come true . You don ' t know how often I ' ve imagined , hoped you ' d be in here with me . This is my home . Do you like it ? Well . . . Well , yes . It ' s very nice , it ' s very tasteful . Then you like the decor ? How long did it take you to collect these ? I picked some of them up in places And some of them I had commissioned . Of course , the " Mona piggy " And the phone , of course And that wonderful shot of you with the braids Which is a special favorite of mine . I - I - I don ' t know what to say . You don ' t have to say anything . It ' s enough just to look at you . Look at me ? I must look a fright . Dudley , excuse me , I want to freshen up . Oh . . . This isn ' t happening . This . . . This probably . . . No , this is the most exciting moment of my entire life . Hope you weren ' t waiting . Of course not . You look absolutely . . . Ravishing ? Yes . Miss piggy , piggy . . . Can I call you piggy ? Of course . And you can call me . . . Um . . . Um . . . Dudley . Oh , all right . Say it . Say ? Oh , uh - - dudley . Say it again . Dudley . Dudley . Dudley , is there anything I can do ? Piggy , darling , I . . . Darling , can I call you darling ? Sure . There is one thing Something I ' ve always wanted To share with you Something that I think could be Very , very beautiful for both of us . Dudley , we ' re on television . Make it even better , don ' t you think ? Dudley , what do you have in . . . What do you have in mind ? Sing with me . Sing ? Oh , I knew that . ♪ it ' s very clear ♪ ♪ our love is here to stay ♪ ♪ not for a year ♪ ♪ but ever and a day ♪ ♪ the radio and the telephone ♪ ♪ and the movies let me know ♪ ♪ they ' d just be passing fancies ♪ ♪ and in time they ' d go ♪ ♪ but oh , my dear ♪ Oh , my dear ! ♪ our love is here to stay . ♪ ♪ together we ' re going a long , long way ♪ ♪ in time , the rockies may crumble ♪ ♪ gibraltar may tumble ♪ ♪ they ' re only made of clay ♪ ♪ but . . . ♪ ♪ our love is here ♪ ♪ to ♪ ♪ stay . ♪ I ' d like to thank all of you for joining me tonight And I ' d also like to thank all the wonderful people Who have made this evening possible . No problem , piggy , anytime . Excuse me , do you mind ? Wow , I ' m being kicked out by dudley moore ! This is so cool ! ♪ in time , the rockies may crumble ♪ ♪ gibraltar may tumble ♪ ♪ they ' re only made of clay ♪ ♪ but ♪ ♪ our love is here ♪ ♪ to ♪ ♪ stay . ♪ Ahhh . . . Steal a little time to baby yourself With soft , rich johnson ' s baby lotion . ♪ baby soft ♪ ♪ baby smooth ♪ ♪ baby fresh ♪ ♪ ooh , baby you ♪ Johnson ' s baby lotion , oil , and powder . Go on and . . . ♪ ooh , baby you ♪ From . . . Well , now that we ' re back from hollywood . . . And boy , are my feet tired ! Remember these graffiti characters That danced with bobby mcferrin ? People wonder how we do it , and this is how . Of course , we were able to make the puppeteers invisible And you ' ll have to figure that one for yourself . So , what do you think of it , lion ? He scared me right out of my feet . I forgot cats never like dogs . That ' s all for tonight . We ' ll see you next time .