Fools ' Ebony , Book VI Summary . This book is part of a six part series on Fools ' Ebony , as follows : Content . Daggerfall and Environs in the Doldrums of the 3rd Era Scene 1 : In The Adventurer ' s suite at the Dead Daedra Inn . PROLOGUE : Thank you for allowing us the time to change the meager set , while our bard sang that old favorite , " Hail and Farewell . " Now then , imagine , if you will , the luxuriant and langorous suite of that Dark Elven rogue , the Adventurer , at the Dead Daedra Inn . The time is shortly after the last scene , which if you ' ve forgotten , ended with our hero and his partner - in - crime , Nephron , making some arrangements to swindle from the mages , priests , and armorers . All are interested in getting their hands on a lode of Fools ' Ebony , a miraculous burning mineral , and the priests and mages each consider the Adventurer their ally . The Armorers know better and have assigned one of their apprentices , Ortho , to watch the Adventurer ' s movements . Now , as Ortho slumbers , the Adventurer has his first moment of peace in days . I should mention that in the interest of common decency , this scene has been abbreviated from the original by order of the Guild of Playwrights , Actors , and Dramatists . It now contains little material of relevance . A full copy may be obtained from the playwright after the show for a mere 50 g . p . copying fee . Now is the time for poor Prologue to shuffle away . ADVENTURER : Who ' s there ? I ' m coming ! ADVENTURER : Er , well . . . er . . . Come In ! Please . CONTESSA : So sorry to surprise you , but I thought that we might find something in common . . . Oh ! You poor man , you have a wound ! Here , let me fix that bandage . . . it looks very fresh . ADVENTURER : Well , I . . . just opened it up again . Evening exercises , calisthenics , so on . . . CONTESSA : How did you get this cut - if you do not mind me asking ? ADVENTURER : No , not at all . I was . . . in a fight , earlier . These three crazy people jumped me . CONTESSA : Really ? This cloth looks like part of a Mage ' s robe . ADVENTURER : Well , yes , two of them were Mages . CONTESSA : Oh My ! You must have been very good , to defeat them . ADVENTURER : Oh , ah , well , I ' ve been in one or two fights . Not to be rude , but who are you ? CONTESSA : Oh , I am so sorry , I quite forgot the proper introductions . I am the Contessa Aveet Videspreed — call me Ave . From the Court at Daggerfall . ADVENTURER ( aside ) : By Oblivion , what now ? CONTESSA : Here , help me off with this robe , these inn rooms are always . . . so hot . And let me check that bandage again , poor man . Ooh , you are wearing an ebony belt of stamina , and bracers of strength . Ooh , a bracelet of endurance . This is my lucky night . ADVENTURER ( aside ) : Help . CONTESSA : Here , let me help you off with that old shirt - got to check you for any more cuts - they can go bad so easily , you know . ADVENTURER ( aside ) : Well , its not the Armorers this time . Maybe my luck has turned . CONTESSA : Well , everything seems all right . . . very all right , in fact . . . ADVENTURER : Er . . . well , Ave - tell me about . . . er . . . yourself . CONTESSA : If you want - just for a bit - ADVENTURER : Here , have some wine . . . PROLOGUE : Here our worthy playwright ' s speech has been heavily edited by the Guild of Playwrights , Actors , and Dramatists . I will endeavor to fill in those removed passages . I should first mention that the Contessa is not meant to be a relative of any noble currently in Castle Daggerfall . The Contessa Aveet regales the Adventurer with tales of the peculiar and hearty members of her royal family . She has many brothers and sisters . They are all very — close . CONTESSA : I think I must have been a bastard . I was the only one with red hair , and an affinity for magicka . Everyone else tried to hide this skill of mine . I remember one spanking very well . . . PROLOGUE : The Contessa relates further differences between her siblings . CONTESSA : While my sisters were learning to curtsey in ten different modes , and my brothers were learning flower - arranging , I used to sneak off into the woods or town . I soon learnt how to get what I wanted , from just about anyone . Just for example , there was this merchant who had three sons . . . PROLOGUE : The Contessa goes into detail about her training . CONTESSA : I became quite good at the school of illusion . You never noticed me , downstairs , did you ? . I also learned how to use some weapons . Let me tell you how I learned hand - to - hand . . . PROLOGUE : The Contessa relates an amusing anecdote , and then continues . CONTESSA : And on bad days , I used to dig in my father ' s library . He had a marvelous collection of old texts . I was fascinated by Old Dwarvish , managed to learn it quite well , I think . Of course , no one has seen or spoken to one in years and years . So its probably perfectly useless knowledge . But I ' ve always had an interest in collecting new knowledge . At the Mages Guild , they taught me an old High Elven tradition . You spread this potion all over your body . . . PROLOGUE : The Contessa relates her current state of boredom . CONTESSA : The life up at the Palace bores me so . My sisters . . . PROLOGUE : The Contessa ' s sisters are entertaining some visitors . CONTESSA : And my brothers are now studying Advanced Floral Theory , so I come down here , do a little . . . er . . . business . I keep all my relations supplied with their favorite vices — so I can blackmail the whole rotten lot . ADVENTURER : But isn ' t it dangerous , down here ? Did I not hear that some young Contessa got killed , recently ? CONTESSA : That little twit was my cousin , and as far as I ' m concerned , she got what she deserved . She thought she could just borrow a maids dress , muss up her hair , and pass for commoner . She was spotted the first minute she left the Palace gates . Now , I use illusion , craft , guile — and I carry weaponry . By the way , that was a neat scheme you and Neph cooked up . ADVENTURER : Well , lets change the subject , can we ? . . . Just what do you carry ? I can ' t see anything . . . like a weapon , I mean . . . CONTESSA : Here , let me show you . . . ADVENTURER : Oh my , those are nice . . . knives . . . CONTESSA : And there ' re more . . . ADVENTURER : Oh yes . . . CONTESSA : But we don ' t need these silly nasty weapons now , do we ? ADVENTURER : My , my — now those are what I call weapons . . . Oh yes . . . heavy duty , high class ones too , my . . . CONTESSA : I think its time that we put that ebony to the test . . . to say nothing of your Mages Staff . . . PROLOGUE : At this point , extensive material has been removed . However , please remember that any scholar who truly wishes to peruse this material can obtain a copy for only 50 g . p . - hand - drawn illustrations are of course extra . The Contessa , after a bit of fun , volunteers to be a part of the Adventurer ' s party to find the fools ' ebony lode . I know , I know . It didn ' t make much sense in the original draft either , if you want to know the truth . ADVENTURER : Sure you want to go out there in the wilds ? CONTESSA : Oh , yes . I am so bored here . Well , not right here and now , but generally . And I can really be of assistance . I ' m pretty good with woods survival , knife work , hand - to - hand . . . and it gets cold out there at night , even for big ebony - wearing men like you . . . ADVENTURER : All right , then . Do you know where and why we are going ? CONTESSA : Oh , of course . It ' s all over Daggerfall . Everyone is watching and waiting to see what happens . There is even a lottery or two running . . . ADVENTURER : On what . . ? CONTESSA : Oh , your life . ADVENTURER : Oh dear Oh dear ! Oh my ! CONTESSA : Look , don ' t worry — I know all about the double - dealings with mages , priests , merchants , those crude armorers . And I intend that we come out on top . I love being on top . With the goods and the profits . I ' ll have yet another vice to sell to my stupid relatives in their boring palaces . ADVENTURER : But won ' t it be us two against hordes ? CONTESSA : Oh no . Most everyone is waiting here in town to see what and who comes back . And I will have a surprise arranged for our ' escorts ' - Ortho included . Out in the wilderness , they can be dealt with easily . ADVENTURER : Tell me more . CONTESSA : Certainly . But first . . . lets see how many uses you have left in that ebony . Mmm , your Mages ' Staff is in good shape . . . PROLOGUE : Exactly . Sorry to interrupt again , but we ' re going to have to stop this scene right here . After a frenzied night comes the placid dawn , tripping onto the sky like a budding rose . And then another day doth dawn , and then another . Ten dawns and ten frenzied nights pass as our wily Adventurer , the wanton Contessa , the clever and naughty Nephron , the loutish Ortho , and an assemblage of randy armorers and backsliding maidens take to the road . Imagine now that we are in the wildy wilderness of High Rock near the Wrothgarian Mountains . Scene 2 CONTESSA : I do so love a bucolic frolic . ADVENTURER : It ' s getting pretty wild now . I guess the dangerous part is coming up tomorrow . . . ? CONTESSA : Yes , one last stop tonight , at that old inn up here — Minnie ' s Inn . ADVENTURER : Minnie ' s Inn ? Oh , those two old scholars who gave it all up , came to run the inn out here . they must get all of two customers a year . CONTESSA : I think they like the solitude . It gives them time to study . They know a lot about old Dwarvish stuff - get them started on that , they will wear you ears out . ADVENTURER : Er . . . when does your surprise happen ? I should probably know . CONTESSA : Don ' t fret , dear . At the Inn tonight . Just sit back and enjoy the show . PROLOGUE : Time passes , the carts roll , things happen in the backs of the carts . And there are strange furtive movements unnoticed by all , on the high ridges around . When next we see our players , they are at Minnie ' s Inn , home of Minnie and Crunn , the philosopher - innkeeps . Imagine , if you will , the rather dusty dining room of Minnie ' s Inn . MINNIE : . . . er . . . Crunn . . . CRUNN : . . . yes . . . Minnie . . . MINNIE : . . . I was thinking . . . CRUNN : . . . yes , you were thinking , Minnie . . . MINNIE : . . . er . . . thinking . . . CRUNN : . . . yes . . . so was I . . . MINNIE : . . . can ' t remember now . . . CRUNN : . . . yes , Minnie . . . Minnie . . . MINNIE : . . . Yes . . ? CRUNN : . . . Shut up . . . GURNSEY and ORTHO ( Together ) : Moo . . . oooh . . . moo . ADVENTURER : Moo ? CONTESSA : See , Adventurer , Ortho ' s fixed . ADVENTURER : Is he ? CONTESSA : You just watch . ADVENTURER : And what about the other armorers ? CONTESSA : Any minute now . ORTHO : This Gurnsey . Ortho love Gurnsey , oooh . GURNSEY : Gurnsey love Ortho . . . moo . . . ORTHO : We go get marry , we is . ADVENTURER : Well , congratulations ! And that was a fine long speech , Ortho ! ORTHO : We go raise piggies . GURNSEY : Grows animals too , farmers be we . ADVENTURER : Extraordinary . Ave , I think that you must have been up here before . CONTESSA : Oh yes . I often come up here to get away from the Palace and talk dwarves with Minnie and Crunn . ADVENTURER : You mean that these two ancient . . . er , Scholar - InnKeeps can actually talk and about dwarves ? CONTESSA : Oh yes , you must just be very patient . But look over at our other escorts . . . ADVENTURER : By the Lady ! CONTESSA : Minnie was an Alchemist before she met Crunn , and knows a lot of old forgotten Dwarvish potions . ADVENTURER : But what do we do with the bodies ? CONTESSA : Wait . . . CONTESSA : Adventurer , meet Major Bloodnok , head of my own . . . private little bodyguard . He ' s been with me since I was a mere girl . Served me very well , haven ' t you , Major ? MAJOR : We give our all , milady . ADVENTURER : Pleased to meet you , Major . CONTESSA : How are my other men ? ADVENTURER : ( aside ) Other men ? MAJOR : All present and accounted for , milady . Had a spot of bother with what looked like a party of Merchants following you . But they are out of the picture now , down a ravine . Only one thing . CONTESSA : Yes ? MAJOR : Me and my men , we ' ve been noticing sort of furtive movements , up on cliffs , on ridges — always just out of the corners of our eyes . And we keep getting this feeling of being watched . Now , me and my men , we ' re the best but there ' s something out there . Don ' t like it , not one bit . CONTESSA : Oh Dear - and just when it was getting to be fun . MAJOR : Its not anything human . Not Mages , Armorers , Priests . And its not the usual werewolves , harpies , orcs , daedra . Nothing like that , not at all . MINNIE : Dwarves ! CRUNN : Where ? . . . oh . . . Minnie . . . you mean . . . up . . . there . . . here . . . MINNIE : . . . Dwarves , up there . . . CRUNN : . . . How exciting . . . mmmm . . . MINNIE : . . . There , there , Crunn , calm down . . . just dwarves . . . I knew that one day they would . . . CRUNN : . . . Wake up . . ? MINNIE : . . . Come back . . . CRUNN : . . . But . . . I didn ' t go anywhere . . . MINNIE : . . . The dwarves , Crunn . . . CRUNN : . . . Oooh . . . Back . . . So excited . . . Dwarves ! . . . oooh . . . CONTESSA : Well Major , is it possible ? MAJOR : Anything ' s possible , especially up here . Dwarves ? I don ' t know . Me and my men , we ' ll get rid of this lot . There ' s a good deep mine shaft out back . ADVENTURER : Dwarves , Ave ! Is that trouble ? I mean , they sort of own all the ebony down here , don ' t they ? CONTESSA : Maybe . I guess we just have to push on , see what develops . I can try to talk to them , maybe ? Oh , and Adventurer , you ' ll have to drive the first cart . I ' ll take old Nephron ' s . We ' ll leave the other here — Spares for later . ADVENTURER : What , no more bucolic frolics ? CONTESSA : Sorry , but we ' ve got to get to the site and out again before the weather goes bad . ADVENTURER : Can ' t your Major and his men , handle the carts ? CONTESSA : Oh , no . They will cover us from all sides and make certain there are no surprises . ADVENTURER : Oh well . All good things end , I guess . CONTESSA : Not quite . If you have any charges left in your bracelets of endurance , we can go upstairs and see what develops . PROLOGUE : Well , I guess we all saw that coming . Scene 3 takes place some time later at the site . Flanked by the Major ' s men , the Adventurer and the Wanton Contessa successfully follow the map of the dear , departed mages . Imagine great veins of glistening ebonyesque material piercing the surface of the ground , and a nice warm fire of Fools Ebony where the Adventurer and the Contessa sprawl . To the west are signs that the weather is turning and the first major snowstorm of the year is coming . For some time , they have been mining and the Adventurer is beginning to feel the strain of actual labor . Scene 3 ADVENTURER : I ' ve got blisters on my hands from shovelling that black rot , blisters on my rear from that cart bench , and we are running out of ale . My bracelet is running down and my fingers are getting frostbite . CONTESSA : What , your bracelet is running down ? Oh , now that is serious . MAJOR : Dwarves ! Milady , dwarves , dozens of the little buggers caught my men ! I ' m sorry , milady . CONTESSA : Major , get out of here now . If you get away , you can maybe help us later . I ' ll try to talk to them . CONTESSA : Hhjgys jjvvu klpss Jjqqx zzyzx . DWARVES ( Together ) : Jjpoo Kalagloo gashnoo bibloo franoo Xxnadoo CONTESSA : Jnik ? Balpo ? DWARVES ( Together ) : Gabloo ! Wazzikoo ! Eppapupu ! CONTESSA : Glooky , glooky , glooky . ADVENTURER : Ave , whats going on ? CONTESSA : Relax . I think I ' ve impressed them by talking their language . I don ' t understand everything , but it seems that they have only just ' woken up ' or something . And that they will not let us take any of this Fool ' s Ebony — it ' s somehow related to the real stuff or something . And it really belongs to the Lords of Oblivion - - the Dwarves are just care or something . ADVENTURER : Very interesting . Now , what about us ? CONTESSA : I made a deal with them the only way I could see . I told them about Minnie and Crunn , how those two old ones know lots of dwarven tales and legends . The dwarves tells me that , having just ' woken up ' or something , they want three things — ale , women , and us to leave the Fools ' Ebony alone . ADVENTURER : Ah , flog my log . CONTESSA : Well , I told them about all the ale down at Minnie ' s Inn . And about the 2 redheads there . They are going there , leaving right now . We may take one empty cart , 2 horses . And they will keep us guarded all the way there . They also said that they will — I don ' t know how — destroy all the Fool ' s Ebony here . It shouldn ' t be on the surface like this , they say . ( aside ) Dwarvish is a remarkably compact language . ADVENTURER : By the great roaring buttocks of Sheogorath ! All these blisters and backache for nothing ! Ah well . At least we are still alive . For now . . . PROLOGUE : Farnoo Lickety Kanoo Gadfloo . Oh , I ' m terribly sorry . As Scene 4 begins , we are back at Minnie ' s Inn , where the dwarves appear to be on holiday . Scene 4 MINNIE : . . . ga . . . sszx . . . spnoo ? . . . CRUNN : . . . glurky . . . DWARVES ( Together ) : Jotcha potchka lazzo lanni joopy hoopy qui me amat , amat et canem meam ADVENTURER : Ave , any ideas ? I can ' t seem to work my magical items . And when the ale runs out . . . CONTESSA : Your ebony material is useless against them . Dwarves fashion the ebony , so I guess they can suppress it or something . Don ' t worry - just think , these dwarves have been asleep or something for hundreds of years . And Minnie has a huge stock of ale . Not many customers come this way , and she knows how to salt the ale just right to keep from spoiling for decades . ADVENTURER : Oh , that ' s why my tongue always looks like a chunk of leather after a pint or two . CONTESSA : Dwarves apparently love ale . I expect them all to pass out in an hour or so . CONTESSA : If not sooner . Come on , Adventurer . Grab a sack and start collecting ! When the dwarves wake up , they ' ll finish the ale , and then us . ADVENTURER : South , as fast as our horses will take us in this weather . CONTESSA : If we make enough distance before they wake up , we ' ll be all right - I don ' t think that they will leave their precious mountains . I hope not . PROLOGUE : The wailing wintery wind whirls wickedly , wafts whipping , wading waist - high , oh never mind . The Adventurer and the Contessa get lost in the snow storm . Several days later , we find them desperate for warmth and exhausted . ADVENTURER : The horses have had it . They can ' t go another step and its going to snow again . No ale left , and just one loaf . CONTESSA : It will have to do . ADVENTURER : Anything left , Ave ? CONTESSA : No , no more fire anything - just my daggers ADVENTURER : Same here , just a common shortsword . Curse Sheogorath for those dwarves ! Those oafs chewed up our horses ! Do you think the Major made it out ? CONTESSA : If anyone can , it ' s him . Guess we ' ll find out in town . Interesting thought just occurred to me . Don ' t giants hunt in several groups ? Is that more I hear ? ADVENTURER : Yes , there are more giants out there . Quick , Ave . Help me with this one . CONTESSA : What on Tamriel are you doing ? This is not the time for studying anatomy ! ADVENTURER : Don ' t argue , climb inside ! CONTESSA : Poppydash and Baldercock ! Inside that smelly dead giant ? My dear Adventurer , I ' m a Lady . ADVENTURER : It ' s our only hope ! The giant smell will hide our scent , and live giants never touch dead ones . Quick ! ADVENTURER : Here , help me pull the skin shut - and try not to throw up . Don ' t make a sound . PROLOGUE : A few hour pass . ADVENTURER : They ' ve all left , but it ' s snowing hard . Definitely getting real cold . We better stay here . CONTESSA : It indeed is warm . ADVENTURER : It will keep us warm , safe from the storm and giants , for a day or so if we can stand the smell . Here , want some bread ? PROLOGUE : For this , the last scene of the play , please forgive us , but we need to change the set . Remove the " giant corpses " and whatnot . Please be patient while our bard performs the timeless classic " Whither Goest Thou ? " PROLOGUE : Ah , here we are , back at the Dead Daedra Inn . The Contessa and the Adventurer made it , after all . They had to pay three times the normal rate , for they were very dirty and stinky . Now poor Prologue will bid you farewell , goodly people . Scene 6 CONTESSA : Thank the Gods for hot water and soap ! I thought I would smell like a giant forever . ADVENTURER : Me too . Where did you go while I was bathing ? And why no mages , priests , armorers , or merchants outside yelling for our blood ? CONTESSA : I took a quick trip to the Palace . I ' ve fixed it so some cousins have told the armorers and merchants that we don ' t have cartloads of the Fools ' Ebony . ADVENTURER : Pity that that ' s actually true . CONTESSA : But at least no one ' s interested in us anymore . Seems that some priests turned up dead in an old temple , up on Edward ' s Mountain . They were found with some girl , all dead from ' bad green powder ' or something . And some old mages named Shub have gone missing . . . ADVENTURER : Now then , what did you stuff in those sacks that ' s so important ? CONTESSA : Here , dump them out , take a look . ADVENTURER : By the Gods , just look at that ! CONTESSA : Yes , those dwarves were just loaded with ebony . Look . Rings , torcs , bracers , belts , helms All solid old ebony . ADVENTURER : And this stuff feels just loaded with magicka . Why , I bet that this ring alone has a thousand uses . . . whatever it does . CONTESSA : Ooh ! Look ! Bracers of Extreme Endurance and a Belt of Strength ! Put them on , Adventurer , let ' s celebrate ! ADVENTURER ( aside ) : Help ! EPILOGUE : As I feared , all the loose threads of the play were ended by wholesale slaughter . More of the adventures of the Adventurer will follow , unless , of course , they don ' t . We thank you for your tempered patience . Don ' t forget to tip your worthy wenches on your way out this evening , and enjoy our bard ' s rendition of the Khajiiti classic , " It ' s A Matter of Luck . " Goodnight .