Oh No It Isn ' t ! ( audio story ) Based upon the novel of the same title by Virgin , was the first " Bernice Summerfield " audio story , and indeed the very first thing that Big Finish Productions commercially released . It and the other stories of this first series were instrumental in Gary Russell and Jason Haigh - Ellery ' s success in obtaining a licence from BBC Worldwide to make original audio dramas based on " Doctor Who " , a licence which was denied to Russell in 1996 . Introducing Lisa Bowerman as Bernice Summerfield , it also featured Nicholas Courtney , best known for his character Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge - Stewart , as her cat Wolsey . Like almost every story in the first series , it was adapted by Jacqueline Rayner from a Virgin New Adventures novel . Publisher ' s summary . " The King ' s balls get bigger every year ! " What could possibly go wrong on Professor Bernice Summerfield ' s investigation into the lost civilisation of Perfecton ? Nothing , it seems — until they leave the planet and spot a dirty great missile heading towards their ship . But instead of oblivion , Benny finds herself plunged into the strange world of — panto . Plot . Professor Bernice Summerfield leads an archaeological dig on the planet Perfecton , a previously prohibited world . It was previously home to the Perfectons , a supposedly advanced race even though they never developed spaceflight . It orbits a Red Giant star , which is in imminent risk of supernovae . This was one of the reasons Earth Central lifted the quarantine , but Lieutenant Prince is confident that the ship sensors will detect the star beginning to collapse , giving them 3 hours to evacuate . After bathing , Bernice prepares to read a textbook that was sent to her , but is interrupted when a missile is detected heading for them from the planet . She rushes out to the bridge as the file is loading . The Grel board the Winton , intending to drain its data before moving onto the planet . Both groups are powerless to prevent the missile striking … Bernice awakens in a beautiful meadow . She is surprised as she remembers the missile striking and believes she is dead and this is some sort of afterlife . She is even more surprised to find Wolsey is here , as an enormous talking cat in a hat with a penchant for singing and that Wolsey seems to believe she is a boy named Dick Whittington . Her behaviour is also changed , as when they find a small house that is messy , she insists on cleaning the house fully , despite the fact she dislikes tidying . She suspects she might have been slipped a drudgery drug , especially when birds and other forest animals show up to assist with the cleaning . She goes to sleep , hoping she will wake up back on the Winton . When she awakes , she encounters more of her archaeology crew : her students as seven dwarfs and Professor Candy as a Dame who is been pursued by the Grel . She is relieved to see the Grel recognise her but they attack and she is injured . They are saved by Lieutenant Prince , who is known here as Prince Charming . After Bernice ' s wound is healed , Prince Charming invites her to the Ball held by his father , King Rupert ( who is Captain Balsam ) . Bernice begins to convince Wolsey that this world is not making sense : Wolsey believes they are in England , but has knowledge of things that should not exist in this supposed time , like tea ; the dwarfs believe they live in the Land of Good King Rupert ; the Prince did not recognise her when they met , but the King seems to be her father and the prince her ( unrelated ) stepbrother . They are interrupted by the Vizier , who is not someone they know from the ship and a hissing sound is heard whenever he enters . The King has decided Bernice should be married and there are several bachelors at tonight ' s Ball . In order to reach an " ending " to the multiple stories that seem to be occurring , Bernice decides to accept the marriages of all her prospective suitors , hoping that whatever is controlling these events will become confused and reveal itself . The clock strikes midnight and the Ball fades away . Bernice and her friends are still in this fantasy world , but she is now dressed in rags and forced to clean floors for her two ugly stepsisters . She is visited by her Fairy Godfather who , while talking to Bernice , seems to also be talking to others that only he can see and warns her if she keeps treating this world as a dream or an afterlife , they are all doomed . He also is not someone from the Winton and he grants her three wishes ( the first wish had been used to attend the King ' s Ball , so two remain ) . She wishes to see who he is talking to , which he obliges , which is revealed to be an audience . Her third is to join them , so she can find an exit from this world . When she finds herself in the audience , she recognises them all as Perfectons , although they are all asleep . They are also in a 20th century Earth Theatre , but when she tries the exit , she finds herself back in the story . Wolsey , Dame Candy and the dwarfs now realise that none of their stories match and that there is something wrong with this world , particularly Wolsey . Bernice deduces that this is because Wolsey was the only non - sentient lifeform on the ship . In order to try to free his memories , Bernice attempts to hypnotise Wolsey , where he remembers seeing the title " " by Professor F . Archduke on the computer screen . Somehow , the matter of the thesis has become the matter of their reality . They visit the Vizier in the hopes he can help them as he , like the Fairy Godfather , is not a character from the ship . He sends them to collect a lamp in a desert outside the palace . However , the dangers encountered in this place is real , compared to the pantomime fights or the wound Bernice received earlier that healed completely . As they hand the lamp over to the Vizier , the Grel arrive with several pantomime villains they have allied with . They steal the lamp , as they recognise it as a powerful artefact . After rubbing the lamp , a genie ( who has the form of a giant Perfecton ) appears . The Grel believe that such an ally will help them conquer this world , but the genie attacks the Grel . While it is distracted by the Grel ' s ogre ally , the Vizier uses his magic to transport them all away . The genie begins to destroy this world , first by grabbing the sky ( the set backdrop ) , breaking the fourth wall and allowing the Perfectons to enter the pantomime world . The King sends out a call for a hero to come forth to vanquish the genie . Realising that the pantomime army does not stand a chance against the genie and the Perfectons , Bernice examines the plinth the Vizier planned to put the lamp . Pressing on the indentation on the plinth , Bernice and the others are temporarily transported back to the Winton . The star is nearly ready to go supernovae and the Perfecton missile had pierced the ships databanks . Unable to keep the pressure on the plinth , they soon return to the pantomime world , each remembering a fraction of how they really are . Wolsey is particularly distraught by this ; if they return , he will no longer be self - aware and will lose all memories of how he is now . Bernice recognises the Vizier as part of the computer program and how it is somehow generating this world . The Vizier , acting as an exit command , has been pointing them towards the lamp as a form of escape . Transported back to the front of the army , they confront the Perfecton Genie . It claims that the Perfectons elected not to focus on space travel , but to develop Perfecton into the perfect world , only to discover that their world would soon become uninhabitable . Bernice then deduces that the Perfectons then created a computer matrix , combining all the knowledge of the Perfecton race and their own minds and loaded it onto the missile that was fired at the Winton , enabling the Perfectons to take over the host ship and escape , allowing their race to survive . Unfortunately , as the missile pierced the data core at the precise moment the pantomime thesis was been uploaded , the Perfectons became the audience , rather than taking over the crew . The genie is the master program of the Perfecton ’ s design , inadvertently released by the Grel and can now directly attack the main computer , deleting them all if successful . Bernice tricks the genie into returning back into the lamp and they escape , but are pursued by the Perfecton army . Wolsey sacrifices himself to buy them the time needed to place the lamp on the plinth , ending the Perfecton program and returning them to the ship . They escape the exploding star with seconds to spare and Wolsey , who was injured , receives medical attention .