Looking for par ' Mach in All the Wrong Places ( episode ) Worf helps Quark woo Grilka , his Klingon ex - wife . Summary . Teaser . Quark is in the habitat ring when he sees Julian Bashir trying to eavesdrop on the O ' Briens , apparently wanting to meet up , but hearing an argument take place . Quark ribs him a little then takes him down the hall a bit , where he can hear . Describing a vague argument , Bashir is disappointed , but then Keiko O ' Brien comes from down the hall – she was not in the room . Quark explains Kira Nerys is in there , and the argument is that Miles O ' Brien is trying to force Kira to take it easy on her body while she is carrying his child . Meanwhile , Jadzia Dax and Worf are at the Replimat when Grilka , Quark ' s ex - wife , shows up on Deep Space 9 . While her intentions are unknown , Worf is smitten as soon as he sees her , and gets up to observe her . Grilka comes to Quark ' s and , to Worf ' s surprise and dismay , she seems quite friendly with Quark . Dax then recognizes her and explains she is Quark ' s ex - wife . Act One . Quark happily serves Grilka a Maparian ale and asks her why she ' s there . Grilka mentions that her Great House , the House of Grilka , has suffered significant financial losses of late – but she doesn ' t ask for help , for Klingon s do not dirty themselves with " filthy ledgers and bank accounts . " Taking the hint , Quark " asks " to look at her financial records . As the Klingons leave , however , Grilka ' s guard , Thopok , threatens him to ensure he help her . He helps her as she planned . The two of them spend a great deal of time together , and they genuinely seem interested in one another . Worf and Dax head to Ops while she explains what happened between them . Expressing his disdain for Quark and his unworthiness of her , Dax supposes Worf has a case of the Par ' Mach ' kai . Jokingly , Benjamin Sisko asks if it ' s contagious . Meanwhile in the infirmary , O ' Brien is collecting medicine to ease Kira ' s pregnancy , for he views it as his duty to protect and assist the new surrogate mother of his child . O ' Brien declines Bashir ' s invitation to the holosuite s , and the ensuing conversation reveals the changing dynamics of the O ' Brien household , resulting in Bashir ribbing his friend as the type of fellow who " would look " after O ' Brien mentions he helped Kira out of her bath . Later in Quark ' s bar , Quark is working with Grilka when Worf puts on a display to get Grilka ' s attention that includes throwing Morn out of his seat ( after first apologizing in advance to Morn , " sotto voce " ) and insulting Thopok . Tumek pulls Worf aside and informs him that Grilka is not interested in the advances of a traitor to the Empire . However , he can be excused for the transgression in Tumek ' s eyes because of his Human upbringing , leaving him naive about Klingon mating rituals . Worf says Tumek would be surprised what he knows , and Tumek admits that might be true , but it won ' t be discovered here . Loudly , he proclaims Grilka ' s request he leave , and Worf leaves . Act Two . In the mess hall , Worf expresses his regret at his attempt earlier to Dax , but Dax excuses it , saying he ' s in love . She also says what ' s really bothering Worf is what Tumek said about his ignorance with Klingon women and Klingon traditions in general . Before he responds , Quark enters to talk to Dax . Grilka has invited him to a private dinner in her quarters , and he needs a primer on Klingon mating rituals . While there wasn ' t any affection when they were married , he believes now something is there . Worf at first remains painfully aloof as Jadzia coaches Quark , but then surprisingly offers insight . Meanwhile , with the blessings of Keiko , Miles has been giving Kira regular massage s to help relieve her pain . While giving Kira a massage in her bedroom , O ' Brien and Kira discover they have feelings for each other when Kira makes a remark about how she wouldn ' t mind spending three weeks in Ireland with Miles . O ' Brien agrees then realizes what he said and feels guilty when Keiko walks into the room catching him giving Kira a massage . Keiko doesn ' t care , and says , " " Don ' t stop on my account . " " Alone on the bridge of the " Defiant " , Worf indulges in Klingon opera . Quark disrupts his privacy and proceeds to describe how his night with Grilka went – perfectly . Worf is strangely accepting of the Ferengi ' s intrusion , and it slowly becomes apparent that Worf is living vicariously through Quark ' s associations with Grilka , assuming a Cyrano de Bergerac - esque advisory role . Quark asks if Worf will continue helping him , and Worf agrees . They head out immediately . Act Three . With Jadzia , Quark ' s education in Klingon courtship continues in the holosuites . They are fighting Klingons as Kahless the Unforgettable and Lady Lukara in the Great Hall at Qam - Chee during a significant moment in Klingon history , and a great romance between the two . Quark , however , has trouble with the Klingonese and finds the whole thing ridiculous . Meanwhile , Odo and Kira are going through security report s and Odo expresses his frustration at a frequent theft occurring . Odo believes O ' Brien is at fault , since he hasn ' t been working on upgrades that might have prevented the theft . Kira defends him , but Odo suspects Kira is going too far with it . Kira admits she ' s become like family , and asks him to drop it , so Odo agrees . At Quark ' s , Thopok expresses his disdain for Grilka ' s allowance of Quark ' s courting to Tumek , but Tumek reminds him he should not presume to judge her . Soon , Grilka and Quark arrive and , after participating in a holosuite simulation with him , Grilka points out to Quark that he has just acted out one of the most romantic of Klingon operas , and she pointedly , and somewhat suspiciously , asks him , " " What " are " your thoughts , Quark . . . why do you pursue me ? " " His answer , that she , his " object of great value " , may be worth all the latinum in the quadrant , cinches it . The two of them are in love . All seems well until Thopok , Grilka ' s bodyguard , becomes fed up with the offensive romance and declares that he cannot work for a House where a Ferengi is welcome . He challenges Quark to mortal combat . Act Four . Later , Kira announces to Keiko and Miles that she is going to Bajor for a few days to relax in her friend ' s cabin . Miles is pleased , but Keiko is shocked by this news because she is worried Kira will go into labor . Keiko demands Miles go with her , and when he refuses , Keiko accuses them of fighting again and settles the debate – Miles and Kira will go to Bajor together . Now Quark is faced with the prospect of either losing Grilka or dying ( for he still doesn ' t stand a chance against a Klingon with a " bat ' leth " ) . Worf again helps the Ferengi ; using a special device , Worf is able to control Quark ' s body movements and helps him defend himself . They test it out in the holosuites , and it looks successful , but Quark ' s physical ability does limit the effectiveness . Dax suggests he sleep , so he goes . Worf can ' t believe the effort he ' s putting into this . Dax probes him as to why he likes her , and , when he responds with her commanding nature , challenges him by asking what he would do with a woman like that . She says if she was him she would look for someone more entertaining , but Worf retorts she doesn ' t understand . Again in the holosuite , Grilka and company wait for Quark . With a little bit of ceremony , Tumek asks what Quark is doing there , and Quark does his best to respond appropriately . Dax and Worf are in position and sync the device , instantly working and making Quark more confident . They begin , and soon Thopok wonders aloud how he learned to fight . Quark is pleased , but then a technical glitch forces Quark to stall , now without Worf ' s help . Act Five . Dax finds the device ' s optronic relay was damaged and tries to fix it . Meanwhile , Quark yells at Thopok to wait . Stalling for time , he proclaims a false Ferengi custom , the Right of Proclamation . Grilka accepts it and lets him make a speech . After a while , the device is fixed and Quark immediately gets back to the fighting . Ultimately , Worf now is able to make Quark drop Thopok , but , instead of killing him , Worf forces Quark to hand the bodyguard ' s " bat ' leth " to Grilka , proving his courage and sealing the deal . Grilka tells Thopok is honor is satisfied , and discharges him from her House . She then begins the mating ritual with Quark , and , when Dax shuts off the device , leaving Worf alone . Not as alone as he thinks , however . Dax , who until now has pressured him about the fact that there is nothing special about Grilka , says her and Quark are on the same wavelength and Quark can see an opportunity when it presents himself . Now she ' s obviously not talking about them anymore . Worf , who never has done well picking up romantic subtleties , still does not get the hint . Exasperated , Dax finally takes matters into her own hands and jumps Worf , and after a very brief sparring with " bat ' leth " s , ends up beginning a mating ritual of her own with him . About this time , Kira and Miles are meeting in a runabout to depart for the trip to Bajor . Before they can depart , Kira admits that the place she is going to relax is one of the most romantic sites on Bajor . On hearing this , Miles puts his foot down and says , " " I ' m not going ! " " They come up with a cover story to tell Keiko and Kira goes to Bajor and decides to visits Shakaar in the captial instead . When the two couples – Quark and Grilka and Dax and Worf – come to the infirmary with broken bones and bruises aplenty , it is enough to convince Doctor Bashir that he is best off not asking how his patients received their wounds anymore . In a private room in the infirmary , Dax and Worf talk about what happened . Worf understands that Dax is unlikely to rush into marriage , even though tradition recommends it . They do agree , however , that they ought to pursue their relationship further . Worf is uncomfortable being in a relationship with an uncertain future , but Jadzia teases him that they ' ve established at least one thing for certain : the woman on his mind is no longer Grilka . At that , Worf throws back his head and gives one of his rare booming laughs . Memorable quotes . " " Did you see her ? " " " " The Klingon woman . " " " " She was glorious ! " " " " You ' re the only Klingon I know who drinks something besides bloodwine . Or prune juice . " " " " Prune juice ? " " " " Forget it . " " " " War ! What is it good for ? If you ask me , absolutely nothing . " " " " I will apologize for this at a later time . " You are in my seat " ! ( hits the table with his fist ) Bartender ! Bloodwine ! " " " " A perfect evening . " " " " Mmm . Almost . Her bodyguard was giving me threatening looks all night . " " " " That is to be expected . The idea of a Ferengi courting a great lady is . . . offensive . " " " " You know , it ' s attitudes like that that keep you people from getting invited to all the really good parties . " " " " This is ridiculous ! I ' m surrounded by corpses , my shoes are dripping in blood , and you want me to feel romantic ? Why am I putting myself through this ? " " " " Because later that night , Kahless and Lukara jumped on each other like a pair of crazed vole s . Grrr ! " " " " One more time . . . " " " " You are a coward and a liar - and you have no honor ! So tomorrow you will kill me , or I " will " kill you ! " ( growl ) " " " You people have rituals for everything except waste extraction ! You must have a ceremony or secret hand - shake or something I can do ! " " " " What " are " your thoughts , Quark ? Why play out one of the most romantic scenes in Klingon literature for me ? Why learn to speak Klingon and observe our customs ? . . . Why do you pursue me ? " " " " I only pursue those things I wish to acquire . " " " ' Acquire ' . . . " now , you sound like a Ferengi again . " " " " I " am " a Ferengi . That means I have a talent for appreciating objects of great value . And I believe . . . you may be worth more than all the latinum in the quadrant . " " " ( A stunned Grilka now understands what Quark meant ) " " " My Kahless . . . " " " " My Lukara . . . " " " " I claim . . . the Right of Proclamation ! " " " " To this end my blade soars ! Through the aquarium of my soul , seeking the kelp of discontent , which must be cut , so that the rocky bottom of love lie in waiting with fertile sand , for the coming seed of Grilka ' s affection . And yet , does this explain my need for her ? No . It is like a giant cave of emptiness , waiting for the bats of love to hang b - . . . " " " You realize that according to Klingon tradition . . . " " " " According to tradition , we have to get married . " " " " But as you keep insisting , you are not a traditional woman . " " " " And the truth is , Worf . . . at heart , you ' re not much of a traditional man . " " " " I am a fool . " " " " You ' re in love - which I suppose is the same thing . " " " ( Quark and Grilka , Jadzia and Worf are all in infirmary with lots of bruises and mildly stressed bones , having the couples made love in Klingon ' s way ) " " " What " have " you been doing ? " " " " You mean . . . what have we been doing ? " " " " Never mind . . . I don ' t need that particular image running around in my head . I ' ll just treat you . . . What happened to you two ? " " " " We , um . . . " " " " Well , uh . . . if you must know . . . " " " " No ! No , I don ' t need that image either . In fact , I ' m going to stop asking that question altogether . People can come in , I will treat them , and that ' s all . " " Links and references . References . Alpha Quadrant ; aquarium ; Bajor ; Bajoran s ; Barak - Kadan ; Basai master ; bloodwine ; Bolian ; botanical pathology ; compound fracture ; D ' Ghor ; Ferengi ; fertility ; fireplace ; forshak ; fruit juice ; garrison ; Gowron ; Holana River ; House of Grilka ; Ireland ; Kahless the Unforgettable ; Keldar ; kelp ; kilometer ; Klingon ; Klingon Empire ; Klingon mating rituals ; Klingon opera ; Kozak ; latinum ; " lingta " ; Lukara ; makara herb ; Maparian ale ; massage ; Mekro ' vak region ; ; Musilla Province ; ; ; optronic relay ; Parada ; pazafer ; Promenade ; prune juice ; Qam - Chee ; Qo ' noS ; Quark ' s ; racket ; rash ; ; rib ; Right of Proclamation ; rotting ; runabout ; sadism ; sand ; scalding ; separ gemstone ; Shakaar Edon ; soul ; springball ; swelling ; takeo herb s ; targ ; tendon ; thigh ; toast ; tricorder ; Tygarian ; vole