,text
117176,"Why should you never date a French Horn player? Because every time you kiss, they'll try to shove their fist up your ass.
"
16328,"My friend has the Koran on DVD... I asked him if he could burn me a copy.
"
138304,"After many years, I have decided I no longer care where Waldo is because we do not have any sort of reciprocal relationship.
"
216688,"How many pepes does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
"
126436,"My grandfather died in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany... ... he fell from a watchtower when he got drunk again.
"
89629,"What do you say when a dog runs away? Dog-gone!
"
81889,"She was wetter than a down syndromes chin.
"
153728,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bug ! Bug who ? Bug Rodgers !
"
68125,"Her: How would you describe that green sheep? Me: I don't know. Olive ewe? Her: I knew you'd say it first! I love you too! Entrapment 101
"
23610,"I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
"
219921,"Why were the twin towers sad? Because they ordered pepperoni pizza but all they got was plane.
"
4613,"I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.
"
105514,"Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex's hometown, buy her a puppy.
"
97857,"What were Steve Jobs children told to do when their father passed away? Steve's Job.
"
150447,"A friend just cracked this joke.. Whats the worst thing you can call a black man that starts with N and ends with R? Neighbor
"
91524,"Relationships are like a seesaw. If one of you gets too bored or too fat, the fun's over.
"
18855,"The longest Joke is worth the read http://longestjokeintheworld.com/
"
127182,"What has a beginning and an end, but nothing in the middle? Life
"
73274,"My golf game is a lot like my iPad, I don't have an iPad.
"
121122,"The Bible Belt - the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
"
53266,"Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from jail? The headline read: """"Small Medium at Large.""""
"
102697,"Roll call comes for a Mexican bus trip They always seem to be late from missing juan
"
31619,"What do you call a psychic midget that just escaped prison? A small medium at large.
"
87541,"Tan lines are like highlighter for your most awesome body parts.
"
92743,"I'm confused. Celebrity comedians are paid millions of dollars... Yet the funniest people on the internet are janitors and stay-at-home moms.
"
189605,"What is Aladdin's favorite Pokemon? Magikarp. So he can take Jasmine to a Magikarpet Ride.
"
36640,"Dirty limerick... There was a girl from Peru Grammar to her was new She asked after the deed With her mouth full of seed Did I just blow or blew?
"
163372,"INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? SLOTH: *Points to another part of the building* Around there maybe
"
106801,"I got a 100 on my test! Because it was the answer to problem number 3 and not even the right answer.
"
5560,"Calling Sony comments""""racially insensitive remarks"""" instead of """"racist""""? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don't make it a sundae.
"
225772,"Her: The laundry pods are missing! Me: Oh really? H: Did you eat them again? M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why? H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
"
100341,"You heard about the concert last friday? Heard it was hardcore. Some people went ballistic.
"
229973,"No joke, I'm in India This is no joke, I took a long light to India after a long time. I see so many lines, long lines of cars and buses, lines for shopping. etc. No punchline.
"
123959,"I heard Alabama changed the drinking age to 32. They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
"
209095,"Q. Why did the blonde get so excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle after only 6 months? A. Because on the box it said: From 2-4 years.
"
36751,"Facebook is a big party where the host is in a back room going through all the coats.
"
123535,"Girl, are you an HM move? 'Cause I can't seem to forget about you!
"
171549,"When the doctor told me that he had fitted a thermostat instead of a pacemaker, I was livid. It made my blood boil.
"
171407,"Why Can't Atheists Solve Exponential Equations? Because they don't believe in higher powers.
"
176883,"Why does T-Pain always look well rested? Because he is a NAPPY BOY!!!
"
102983,"How do you get a Ford recalled? Wait.
"
67177,"What does a brick and a fat girl have in common? Both will eventually be laid by a Mexican.
"
205942,"Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Fish.
"
219740,"Had tea instead of coffee this morning & now I play a house servant in the new season of Downton Abbey.
"
26820,"What is the plural of y'all? -What is the plural of y'all? -Y'alls? -All y'all.
"
152755,"You all hate smokers until you need to light a birthday cake...
"
92108,"Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
"
220630,"What city is the favorite place for anti-Semites? Juno
"
10548,"Monk at the Dentist Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
"
165077,"Stalk your awful ex on Twitter, Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll. 'Tis the season to be bitter. Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll.
"
65220,"What is a missionary's favorite car a convertible
"
141208,"How do you catch a Swedish fish? With a gummy worm as bait
"
135907,"What did one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they were both stuck-up cunts.
"
33498,"The best argument for """"the sequel is never as good as the original"""" is birds v. dinosaurs.
"
158256,"Q: Why are gorillas so noisy? A: They were raised in a zoo!
"
67105,"My wife... My wife just got kidnapped by a group of muslim cannibals. I'm not worried though, I heard muslims don't eat pigs.
"
52514,"My Italian grandmother just got a stair chair lift, I asked her how she likes it... she said ... """"IT DRIVES ME UP THE FUCKING WALL""""
"
129285,"Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said 'free TV' and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
"
116914,"Why did the oak tree get his girlfriend pregnant? Because the state abolished plant parenthood
"
5071,"Why should Trump be careful of deporting Mexicans? It could go south so fast.
"
10787,"What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.
"
2638,"What did the plant say to the other plant that it really liked alot? let me be your *soil*mate
"
169296,"And then the devil said, """"tell her to calm down.""""
"
44475,"What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]
"
217268,"Asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, """"A way out"""" wasn't the right answer.
"
144479,"Non-Americans may get this. Waterboarded.
"
12882,"What did the Squirtle say to the Charmander? (X-post from /r/pokemon) Squirtle
"
175593,"Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
"
35667,"Dinosaur 911: what's ur emergency Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US Dinosaur 911: is it the sun Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
"
144820,"""""Hey is BB hungry?"""" """"No BB-8.""""
"
195728,"What has four legs but isn't alive? A Dead Dog
"
197654,"[stands up in church] Okay I'm starting to think some of this stuff isn't true you guys.
"
205492,"What's a riot? Three dyslexics
"
141214,"A priest, a rabbi, two penguins, a giraffe, and an elephant walk into a bar. The bartender says, """"What is this, a joke?""""
"
81405,"Say no to drugs. Although if you're talking to drugs you may already be on drugs.
"
117009,"I don't like drug tests... They're not my cup of pee.
"
83429,"No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
"
128190,"Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I'm like, """"what is wrong with me??"""" because I just got my car washed.
"
229880,"Your girlfriend is 41?!?! she could be your mother! but she isn't... She's yours.
"
78387,"knock knock. Who's there? Lee Lee who? No, Lee hao.
"
80131,"god walks into a bar... and no one could believe it
"
94744,"SIX PHASES OF THE MONTH IN NAVY RECRUITING  1. ENTHUSIASM  2. DISILUSIONMENT  3. PANIC  4. SEARCH FOR THE GUILTY  5. PUNISHMENT OF THE INNOCENT  6. PRAISE AND HONORS FOR THE NON-PARTICIPANTS
"
71888,"Women, give them an inch and they'll want all eight.
"
17001,"I just learned that 10 out of every 2 people suffers from Dyslexia wow... sorry, I mean wow
"
133635,"What's long, brown, and sticky? A stick
"
149037,"Alternative """"For every day that ends in why?"""" For every day that ends with your mom.
"
228892,"It annoys me that Engineering students call themselves engineers.. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors, or art students calling themselves unemployed.
"
50228,"A detective tries to find to where his clothes were stolen It was a brief case.
"
23978,"I was cooking a dish with onions in it and my friend cried. I only now realized recently that she wasn't raising that dog for food.
"
73493,"The Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick... It's two chicks fighting over a pair of shoes.
"
117700,"How do you say virgin in German? Guten tight (   )
"
209926,"I was wondering... since there are great white sharks, how come there aren't any great black sharks? Then i realized even if there were, they probably couldn't swim...
"
128487,"Why did Russia lose the race? Because it was Stalin! edit: Sorry! Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.
"
35482,"If you're fishing on ice you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY???  The ice will crack up!
"
108438,"My doctor told me during my physical that I needed to stop masturbating When i asked him why, he said """"because I'm trying to give you a physical!""""
"
183445,"Fucking terrorists. I guess I can't google """"nice truck"""" anymore to find out about the latest pickups on the market....
"
122815,"Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I'm not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
"
119613,"Patient: The trouble is doctor I keep pulling  ugly faces. Doctor: Don't worry I don't expect anyone will notice.
"
40569,"I was pulled over by a female officer today When she approached my car window I asked what's wrong officer? She said """"ugh nothing!""""
"
23888,"I was completely shocked today when my doctor told me I was colour blind.. It came completely out of the green
"
129014,"What's brown and sticky? My dick after I fuck you in the ass. Edit: I only use this when severely drunk.
"
150943,"What are the 2 sexiest farm animals? Brown chicken, brown cow. (say outloud for full effect)
"
221160,"How much space does fungi need to grow? As mushroom as possible :)
"
200330,"Teacher: Where is the English Channel ? Pupil: I don't know my TV doesn't pick it up
"
209156,"Three girls were waiting for their periods ...
"
200200,"Did you hear about the pirate porno? All hands on dick!
"
218063,"Did you know they now sell 30 tog blankets? Duvet?
"
61155,"After years of working in a hospital, I've become a bit of a germaphobe. I just do NOT believe that Bacteria should have the right to get married.
"
150754,"How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware problem.
"
183331,"When does a horse neigh? Whinny wants to!
"
155881,"What did terrorists used to call Fidel Castro? Infidel Castro
"
129428,"Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once
"
20015,"at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
"
153398,"People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
"
200293,"Pregnant Kim Kardashian is moaning in a magazine, """"Nothing looks good on me"""" I disagree. A grand piano dropped from a  considerable height would.
"
159063,"""""What's this ticket, officer?"""" - Loitering """"I didn't drop trash"""" - No. Loitering. """"You talk funny"""" - It's not- """"I'm putting this on Twoiter""""
"
166850,"""""dont get conned into spendin our lottery money"""" i wont [calls wife back] will 2 sharks fit in our pool? """"NO"""" ok [to salesman] one shark pls
"
12632,"You now that fucker that always needs to have the last word? He is called Edit.
"
57501,"How come Miss Piggy couldn't talk? She had a frog in her throat.
"
221667,"I got into a fight with an artist last night... We drew.
"
172645,"Ask your doctor if practicing medicine is right for him
"
150735,"I don't come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.
"
223524,"I like my women how I like my whiskey 12 years old and mixed up with coke
"
128997,"sometimes to end a text convo thats going on too long u gotta break out the big guns and say you're going to bed. at 2:30 in the afternoon.
"
77789,"I feel bad for Anne Frank She had her diary published for all the world to read, which is every girl's worst nightmare! And she didn't get paid for it, which is every Jew's worst nightmare.
"
62573,"What are the 2 most important holes in the female body? No, you f**king pervert. It's her nostrils. How else could she breathe while giving you a blowjob?
"
66463,"How do you make Holy Water? You boil the hell out of it.
"
146896,"What is the Easter Bunny's favourite kind of story? A cotton tale!
"
102498,"Never discuss with your wife... ...because all you do is 'diss' and 'cuss'
"
113867,"Need help with a joke!!! Not sure if this is allowed, but I need a joke that involves the word """"statesmen"""" for a contest with my friends. Please help!
"
209849,"People who comment alternate punchlines can just fuck off like do they not realize how not funny it sounds after reading the original joke (okay come at me)
"
112863,"My friend grabs something in my pocket It was deez nuts
"
172240,"What's a rabbits' favorite song? """"Hoppy Birthday to You.""""
"
21374,"What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter F.
"
23341,"""""Is that your dog?"""" """"No, actually she's adopted... we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves""""
"
1086,"What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife? Engage.
"
169120,"I have a joke about California's drought. But it's pretty dry.
"
225529,"Facebook account for sale, friends included.
"
193876,"Thank you Facebook, I can now farm without going outside, cook without being in my kitchen, feed fish I don't have & waste an entire day without having a life.
"
38253,"What were the last words of king Laius? """"Mother fucker.""""
"
103855,"Did you hear about the chameleon who couldnt change colour? He had a reptile dysfunction!
"
182128,"Russian joke A bear is walking through the forest when he sees a car on fire. The bear gets into it and burns to death.
"
74393,"""""He be dead."""" Who? Your English teacher?
"
48110,"My friend went into a sudden trance where she imagined she was stuck in a Pistachio. I told her to snap out of it. -She couldn't.-
"
183683,"ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help- NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN'T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL
"
122293,"I'm a bit racist. I think F1 is much better than NASCAR.
"
14710,"My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says """"choose your destiny"""" so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
"
144096,"What is the difference between a peeping tom and a pick pocket? A pickpocket snatches watches
"
90507,"Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish... The results speak for themselves.
"
160800,"What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
"
116632,"Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I'd just put my hoodie on backwards
"
64856,"My brother was in a car accident yesterday... and lost both his left arm and left leg. Actually, he's my half brother. He's all right now.
"
92536,"What do you call a shitty band that only plays in the winter? Coldplay.
"
172604,"To avoid small talk with neighbors I've taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
"
10521,"I love my cats so much, I love that I get to have these two tiny killing machines cuddled up in bed with me
"
54035,"Why was the blond staring at a carton of orange juice? Because it said concentrate.
"
191204,"Lazy thought by my girlfriend Her: """"Why is it Bees Knees, Why not Bees Nuts?"""" (Deez nuts)
"
79828,"Did you know that Germany was the original creator of the Amazing Race? They tried to introduce it back in 1933. But the show caust too much.
"
62262,"If only women knew that being happy with themselves is the most attractive quality they can ever offer.
"
22921,"i couldn't tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
"
144185,"[romantic dinner] her: """"I was hoping it might just be the two of us."""" ventriloquist dummy: """"he said I help with his confidence.""""
"
92722,"What goes zzub zzub ? A bee flying backwards !
"
6278,"A line for cops who pull over attractive drunk models If I could put you in the alphabet, I would go D U I and that's why I'm a writer, I look forward to your hatred of bad jokes
"
182139,"So I was sentenced to death by hanging... but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
"
230700,"What is a vegetable's favorite martial art? He can't do martial art because he is paralyzed tip to toe.
"
182872,"What do you call an awesome internet site for frogs? Rebbit.
"
35742,"Nervous about speaking in front of a crowd of people? Imagine everyone is wearing an Ed Hardy shirt
"
56175,"I'm 14 shows into the 1st season of 'Lost' & there are SO many mysteries. I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
"
15592,"Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won't go into a corn maze without a machete.
"
207434,"I farted on the bus today and four people turned around. I actually felt like I was on the voice.
"
45403,"BREAKING: Judge strikes down Kentucky ban on gay marriage, but ruling on hold while state appeals for right to keep treating gays like shit.
"
73040,"SIRGEN = A Slut that acts like a VIRGIN
"
76744,"Why won't Microsoft hire any maids? Because they don't do Windows
"
48906,"Are candles happy or sad when they are put out? They are delighted.
"
85451,"I'm going to bang my head into the wall repeatedly. Is that okay? Sure, kid. Knock yourself out.
"
105547,"What's Sting's favorite Olympic sport? The long hump
"
113877,"I like my women like I like my coffee... Tied up in a sack and thrown over the back of a Columbian mule.
"
213508,"A duck wearing a shoe walks into a bar The bartender says """"Hey Duck, I think you lost a shoe"""" says the duck: """"No, I found one""""
"
119330,"Dear Algebra Stop asking me to find your x . . . she is not coming back!
"
184391,"How are a 9-volt battery and a girl's asshole similar? Even though you know you shouldn't you lick it anyway.
"
84618,"What is the difference between a barking dog and an umbrella? The umbrella can be shut up.
"
198230,"Is it bad to feel the need to finish off prescription drugs before they expire? I don't have most of these ailments but they were expensive
"
170874,"What is a fretless bass good for? About thirty yards if you use both hands.
"
144519,"COMMERCIAL: [a man is having his bloody infected foot amputated] Narrator: SHOES
"
62723,"I don't believe in anything I can't see, hear or touch, like calories. My thighs, however, are clearly very gullible.
"
32764,"Millennial Moses: Just, let my people go or whatev- hang on I'm getting a text.
"
131693,"Why can't you trick an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday
"
72158,"At this point, I'm pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
"
87916,"Why did the squirrel swim on it's back? To keep it's nuts dry.
"
107090,"Wife: """"Do you want to watch Batman Forever?"""" Me: """"I'll watch it for a couple of hours."""" Wife: """"I hate you.""""
"
35315,"I wonder if poor kids in Africa dream of a white christmas? Like spending time with your whole family, getting tons of Xboxes and play stations. Heaping servings of food, etc.
"
156398,"*walks into a brothel* """"yes I'd like some broth""""
"
91680,"A pirate has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. As he walks down the street someone notices and asks """"Doesn't that hurt?"""" The pirate replies, """"Arr, it drives me nuts.""""
"
67923,"Accordion to a recent survey, most people don't notice when a musical instrument is inserted into a sentence.
"
227840,"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb. None. They just beat the room for being black.
"
164059,"Ok, I have two short jokes and one long joke... Joke joke jooooooooooooooooooooooooke!
"
119563,"How do you shoot a unique deer? You-neak up on it and shoot it. Credit: Grandpa Clifford
"
215722,"If Facebook changed """"poke"""" to """"stab"""" I would use it all the time.
"
183638,"""""Every time I go out, the paparazzi wants to make an oil painting of me. So annoying."""" - 1700s celebrity
"
169836,"My Vietnamese friends just got married, but by coincidence share the same last name so there was no hassle... It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
"
86268,"Do you fall for 'click bait'? Yes.
"
18009,"My 6 yr old just asked if I'm a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
"
228804,"What's the difference between prostitutes and onions? I cry when I cut onions
"
39234,"I didn't get my period this month or any month prior to that. If I'm pregnant my parents will flip. Also science, science will also flip.
"
161803,"Yesterday I told this joke about a worm being eaten early in the morning The birds loved it.
"
149054,"Mommy Mommy (SA joke) Why is Daddy hanging in the cupboard? Shut up, and eat your biltong.
"
156154,"What medication that can make people inspire you? Aspirin sorry guys
"
67864,"If you eat a pregnant girls food, you're required to have the baby for her
"
104480,"A girl walks into a bar and ask the bartender for a double entendre so he gives it to her.
"
230341,"What do you call pickled bread? Dill Dough
"
171201,"Here's a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with. -management
"
218887,"A guy was so bored he broke a watch with his bare hands. Then he said """"i've got too much time on my hands""""
"
228460,"I like to listen to sad music when I'm sad to make me double sad.
"
65086,"The woman who injected her 8-year old with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody... The child didn't look surprised...
"
219591,"*Receives good, solid, sound advice. *Does exact opposite.
"
159092,"I found this place online that sells authentic moon rocks. The rocks themselves are really cheap, but the shipping is a bitch.
"
17105,"This summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say, 'Get a life' on them. Demetri Martin
"
122497,"How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs? The toothfairy.
"
79483,"[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away] [scientist decodes message in the signal] """"enough...with...the...Harambe...jokes""""
"
231158,"Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork. Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch!
"
113307,"It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row.
"
107026,"I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
"
41491,"Waiter, waiter, what's wrong with this fish? Waiter: Long time, no sea Sir.
"
114852,"Using my good looks and charm i will gain the trust of an orangutan to have it become my personal kush consultant & legal guardian.
"
221203,"What do you call a Chinese rapist? Peking Dick
"
3265,"Girl: What colour are my eyes? Guy: 34C.
"
128756,"Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I'm a good person. I mean, I'm going to report it stolen, but still.
"
8689,"You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches.. But hey.. That's just Hawaii roll.
"
165039,"I have a joke from Germany Just kidding, we have no sense of humor.
"
68570,"What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Not much. It just gave a little whine.
"
3701,"I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I'm impecunious.
"
218685,"1. Tattoo """"I'M WATCHING YOU"""" on your shaved head. 2. Grow hair and wait for daughter's boyfriend to come over. 3. Shave head in front of him
"
58550,"Why can any hamburger run the mile in under four minutes? Because it's a FAST food!
"
172769,"How are babies different from feminists ? Babies grow up and stop crying
"
213755,"So i had my first child... * Me: Oh my god! what are you doing?? * Doctor: What? im suppose to slap her in the ass after the birth, no? * Me: You suppose to slap the baby!!
"
70550,"Is it wrecked or love My cell was 14 % and my gf cell was 97 % she put out my cell from charging and kept her cell and start playing temple run on my cell...
"
16274,"I recently started smoking... It was all dunhill from there
"
134140,"The difference between an alcoholic and a drunk is staggering.
"
82057,"Has anyone heard of the new band called 512MB? They haven't any gigs yet!
"
122101,"What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. 
"
74676,"What do you call a theft by a stumbling person? A lumberjack.
"
147943,"Why is Kim Jong-un so hungry? Because hes got no Sole!
"
55593,"Princess Diana had dandruff. Cops found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment.
"
155854,"*Obama approaches podium* Fellow Americans, I like cookies with raisins in them *press starts booing* They're good & healthy *Michelle nods*
"
60367,"I know a girl named Penny But because of inflation, she is going to change her name to Nickel soon.
"
230423,"If bars can say no to drunk people why won't McDonalds say no to fat people?
"
209653,"Did you hear that? What? DID YOU HEAR THAT? NOT """"WHAT?""""..WHAT!? What? *axe murderer kills both*
"
183258,"What is the difference between a Greek spearman and a pale beer? One is hoplite, and the other a light hops.
"
32735,"Alien vs predator Guys what if a pedophile assualts an illegal immigrant, would it be called alien vs predator?
"
64150,"Why are shopaholics so hard to help? They can be very """"clothes""""-minded about the problem.
"
149218,"Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
"
91832,"What's the difference between a DVD player and a cow's anus? If you answered 'I don't know,' I'm certainly not letting you borrow any of **my** DVDs in the future!
"
118904,"Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? A: Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
"
68440,"This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
"
194073,"Bad News I heard that the Italian Government is joining forces with ISIS thus changing their name to Italian ISIS Tommy G
"
193529,"""""30 shots of espresso NOW."""" *barista's eyes widen* Whoa what do you do for a living? """"I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!"""" *roundhouse kicks barista*
"
59583,"Just think about this: Jeff Goldblum is someone's uncle. Jeff Goldblum goes to someone's house for holidays and is Jeff Goldblum.
"
76916,"My friend just told me I don't know how to make jokes. That's shit because I once sent ten of my puns to an online contest. No, they didn't make it to the finals... No pun in ten did.
"
164297,"Junk is something that you've kept for years & throw away 3 weeks before you need it.
"
7822,"Hope nobody has a video of me trying to get the fourth corner of a fitted sheet over the mattress.
"
164872,"Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911? A: She can't find the eleven.
"
85569,"Why isn't there a neutron mod in the Skyrim Steam Workshop? Because there'd be no charge.
"
174155,"I like my women like I like my pizza... baked and saucy.
"
148333,"Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
"
113207,"What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
"
118869,"Another Calculus Joke! What is a derivative in a derivative? Inflection.
"
150174,"Please write another brilliant status about how high you are. I'm on the edge of my seat here.
"
55436,"Want to hear the one about potassium? K.
"
199162,"What do you call and Irish person who stays outside all night? Paddy O'Furniture
"
227188,"I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald's because fitness is a lifestyle
"
113054,"Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party. It was a total buzzkill.
"
26824,"Snowy White and the 7 dwarves... Snowy White and the 7 dwarves were lying in bed feeling happy...but happy didn't like it and got out...
"
173191,"What noise does Doppler's cat make? Meeeeeaaaaaaoooooo^oooowwww^wwww^www
"
54214,"*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant* Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
"
160331,"What is Fortunato's one weakness? Cryptonight.
"
178497,"Getting over a musical upbringing is as simple as a 1, 2, a 1, 2, 3, 4.
"
196015,"What would Bill Nye be called if he spoke to ghosts? Bill Nye the Seance guy.
"
155603,"I feel like this election ended up being a good thing for Hilary Clinton. At least now she knows what it feels like to get fucked by the president.
"
99536,"Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
"
214058,"What do gay alligators eat for breakfast? Cockadiles
"
37192,"Ironically, seeing a picture of you flashing a peace sign makes me want to violently end your life.
"
173812,"Why did Henry VIII have so many wives ? He liked to chop and change !
"
9350,"""""I'd hit that."""" Clearly what my head thinks about cupboard doors and other hard surfaces when I least expect it.
"
6554,"I once knew a girl who confused a tube of KY jelly... for a tube of super glue. I asked her how it happened... her lips were sealed.
"
31954,"What happens when two lesbians build a house? It's all tongue and groove, and no stud inside.
"
110554,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels that it can be done.
"
46377,"What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ? Santa Claustrophobia !
"
83028,"I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body But then my mother gave birth
"
202369,"My wife just left me because of my fetish with pasta I'm feeling cannelloni right now
"
18342,"You wanna hear a joke? Women's rights
"
198081,"A Swedish bartender is found to be the spitting image of Leonardo DiCaprio As it turns out, they have the same amount of Oscars, too.
"
29769,"Playboy has started a new edition for married men with the same women featuring every month.
"
35132,"My wife once told me """" Mike you're the only man who ever gave me multiple orgasms"""", which pissed me off because my names not Mike
"
48098,"My kid's favorite joke right now: Knock knock. Who's there? I eat mop. ... omg that is SO gross
"
63260,"Do you know the 20th President of the United  States ? No we were never introduced !
"
72263,"if i don't respond to your text, it's because i fell asleep finding a dumb picture of mos def to send u in lieu of typing """"most definitely""""
"
180966,"I have a pen pal in North Korea I asked him what's it like there. """"I can't complain"""" he wrote back.
"
14178,"[Office] *Dolphin accidentally dials fax number Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek Dolphin:Well, I don't normally do this. But yes I'm free tonight
"
23693,"I'm not that great at origami... I cut corners.
"
228586,"Keep honking. I'm reloading.
"
88781,"Time for a , """"How many ___ does it take to screw in lightbulb?"""", thread! Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
"
101804,"People say that money is not the key to happiness... ...but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. - Joan Rivers
"
192560,"I have invented a new game. You lock yourself and 9 other friends in a house that has 2 bathrooms. You all then take a load of laxative and fight over the toilets. I call it 'Game Of Thrones'
"
121757,"Some Christmas jokes A guy I helped at work told me these jokes. They're terrible. I love them. What goes HO HO HO thud? Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO? A Pimp taking inventory.
"
60038,"How Many Marshawn Lynches Does it Take to Change a Lightbulb? Only one. Just as long as you hand him the damn lightbulb.
"
105877,"How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Lets go ride bikes.
"
52396,"What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter? Pumpkin pi
"
74550,"What's the difference between a drummer and a toilet? The toilet only has to take shit from one asshole at a time. . .
"
226356,"Never be racist towards Native Americans. They will Sioux you.
"
81702,"How do they say """"fuck you"""" in Los Angeles? """"Trust me.""""
"
93838,"If a small quiz is a quizicle then a small test is a testicle My science teacher told us this.
"
33404,"A virus that wipes out every photo filter across the internet but leaves the photos.
"
47870,"Why are Peter Pan's jokes not funny? Because they Neverland
"
99184,"I've started a new business making statues of people who can tell the future... ...so far, I'm making a prophet.
"
224382,"A man asks his wife... Husband: """"Honey, how come you never shout my name when you have an orgasm?"""" Wife: """"Because you're never there.""""
"
170741,"Why didn't Spock do a mind meld with Frodo? Because he figured that would be a bad hobbit to get in to.
"
155924,"Reddit is like a box of chocolates It's the same shit over and over
"
27684,"We live in a generation where Gorilla Glass technology protects our phones.. ..yet there's nothing that exists that could have saved Harambe.
"
68813,"What do you call white grand parents? Graham-crackers... """"wokka wokka""""
"
171237,"Relax white people, black people have the """"N"""" word. But we still have words like """"Yacht"""", and sayings like """"thanks for the warning officer"""".
"
92874,"It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you'll become royalty and have a great life.
"
46668,"Did You guys hear what the Jews did when they rioted? They threw Mazel Tov Cocktails
"
80455,"A guy asked me if I wanted some free fish... I asked, """"What's the catch?""""
"
92471,"What goes cackle cackle squelch squelch?  A witch in soggy trainers.
"
74908,"Just laminated my dad.
"
143241,"Stupid nanny state won't let me enroll my kids in bartending school.
"
140086,"You Know The Economy is really Bad when even God starts laying people off #pope
"
174343,"Fight club. Only naps instead. Rules the same. Just no fights. Only secret, uninterrupted glorious naps.
"
124182,"What's common between a lawyer and an eccentric billionaire with bad teeth? Both have a very expensive retainer.
"
20065,"A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I'm so confused.
"
203122,"Nobody cares that my ears are flattening and my nose is growing longer... I guess its just *irrelephant*.
"
182029,"I can't find a joke that was on here today now I'll have to wait a few minutes until it's posted again.
"
179631,"What did Paul Walker say after filiming the car chase scene?
"
142331,"What do bad writers use to pick up hot pans? Plot Holders.
"
156478,"The milk is so good its Legendary
"
84238,"Why did the fisherman catch the Mackerel and then let it go? Cause he's all about that Bass, bout that Bass.... No Mackerel.
"
156262,"This season of Game of Thrones set new records for Piracy Probably because it's written by George Arrrrr Arrrrr Martin
"
85512,"Where are you from? """"So where are you from?"""" """"I'm a Liberian"""" """"Oh sorry"""" \*whispers* ^""""where ^are ^you ^from?""""
"
158634,"I'm white, but not applying SPF 100 listening to Mumford & Sons in my Subaru while at soccer practice after a nice quiche for brunch white.
"
16803,"Why do melons have traditional weddings? Because they can't elope!
"
62067,"Where's Finnick? Odair he is! Obligatory: My brother told this to me while watching Mockingjay P2.
"
48293,"""""Grapey."""" -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
"
120619,"What do you get if you cross a retard and a graffiti artist? Someone who spray paints on a chain link fence.
"
136970,"Studies show 9 out of 10 people prefer sex. Why do you think that is
"
82631,"Why are lesbians such poor cooks? Because they love to eat out.
"
176397,"when is the only time you want a white point guard? When your sister comes home and says """"Im dating a point guard""""
"
28854,"Emailing professors be like Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar* Professor: """"sure"""" -sent from my iPhone
"
174295,"What did the spectator say when the magician transformed Dracula into 2? Miraculous. Edited: tough crowd
"
193052,"If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather  what does he raise in wet weather? An umbrella.
"
77837,"Chef 1: You can't serve cake for breakfast, moms won't allow it. Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it? 1: GENIUS!
"
122879,"Found the cause of the Fort McMurray fires.. My mix tape just dropped
"
43688,"How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can't get it with a $150 hotel room?
"
206583,"What's the difference between Whitney Houston and my car? My car can hit 50
"
176787,"I get my guns from a guy named T-Rex... He's a small arms dealer
"
76254,"In lieu of the recent manhunt... The LAPD's motto is """"to protect and serve."""" I think they ought to change it to """"We'll treat you like a King.""""
"
139705,"What did the buddhist monk say when he was asked if he was leaving? Na 'ma stay. (namaste) Grandfather joke at Easter dinner last sunday. Sorry.
"
123328,"How did the farmer find his wife? He tractor down.
"
173738,"[talking to mcdonalds cashier] which burger has the most acai berry vitamins and superfood antioxidants?
"
22186,"Have you heard about the new IPhone 6? I guess it's got people all bent out of shape.
"
155985,"Knock Knock Knock knock Who's there? Cows Cows who? Cows moo! They don't hoo!
"
35043,"What's worse than finding half a worm in your apple? The holocaust
"
140108,"[Terrorist tears open undercover FBI agent's jacket] Terrorist: FBI? Agent: uhhh Terrorist: hey guys this dude is a Female Body Inspector
"
94701,"What game do you play if you don't take care of  your teeth? Tooth (truth) or Consequences.
"
140309,"Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a jar of peanut butter? A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
"
167841,"I'm thinking of getting a tribal tattoo to express my individuality.
"
198877,"We're hosting a charity event for the people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can't come, do let me know.
"
34305,"I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore. The car started right up but they said I'd need a new battery.
"
68432,"BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I'm gonna have you take a typing test. LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
"
22728,"Why were people in the Twin Towers so upset? They ordered pepperoni but all they got was plane
"
160168,"what am I? I'm owned by every man, though my length differs. Their wives use me after getting married Last Name
"
211126,"I am not a ride or die chick. I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn't you like my last pic?..
"
72193,"You know what they say about small feet... Big truck
"
19444,"Why does the lawyer hate doing pro-bono work? Because he fucking hates U2.
"
132610,"I'm sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
"
223084,"What does a cat go to sleep on ? A caterpillow !
"
94965,"What's gray and all around? Everything. I'm a dog.
"
189152,"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ~ Will Shriner
"
69991,"Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
"
177698,"I suspect the number 200 sometimes impersonates the word ZOO.
"
128626,"Funniest YouTube channel? Mark Fitzgibben , Brandon Berg or BroKaine ? XDDD
"
59264,"I used to have black friends. Until my dad sold them all.
"
177803,"Kid is destined to be gaye My friend just named her newborn baby """"Marvin""""
"
79648,"Hey baby, are you an oven? Because you've had a lot of Jews inside of you.
"
220205,"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should be changed regularly Both for the same reason
"
200460,"How do jockeys stay on their horses? Jockey straps.
"
2391,"Why is it fun to play with matches ? They're lit.
"
8330,"I hate it when I get my days mixed up and I accidentally take my stupid wife out instead of my girlfriend.
"
129703,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, feminists don't change anything
"
163666,"If you add a long hashtag to a tweet or Instagram pic, capitalize the first letter of each word. No one wants to work that hard at reading.
"
110487,"What do you call a graduated spider? A Web Designer
"
200396,"How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing? HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!
"
132825,"Q: Why don't blind people skydive more often? A: It scares the hell out of their dogs.
"
228176,"On a scale of Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... ...how much do you like kids?
"
4120,"If trump gets elected can we make a show similar to the apprentice but when Trump says """"your fired"""" he sends a nuclear missile at a country.
"
42217,"Balloons are stupid. """"Happy birthday! Here's a buncha sacks of breath.""""
"
157508,"I like to stand near people on gluten-free diets and eat as much gluten as I can and say things like """"Mmmm, sweet gluten.""""
"
199568,"Keep scrolling, I got nothing.
"
19249,"What's the difference between a hooker and a crackhead? A hooker washes her crack and resells it.
"
41291,"Why is North Korea so evil? Because it's got no Seoul!
"
70228,"When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
"
227949,"What do a cab driver and a cue ball have in common? The harder you hit them ...the more english you get out.
"
193050,"Dear Car Companies, Please replace glove compartments with toaster ovens.
"
47485,"USS Constitution aged Q: What was the USS Constitution's nickname after it started to rust? A: Old Iron Oxides This one just kind of popped into my head at work yesterday.
"
123263,"My Asian roommate says I have schizophrenia. Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
"
221805,"Want to talk about rape? No? That's the spirit.
"
133055,"What Happened when Feminist's found out about Reddit? Well they [deleted]
"
228801,"Modified oldie: My dick is ... Boaster: My dick is 12 inches but I don't use it as a rule Boaster+: And mines one metre but I don't use it as a foot!
"
11953,"What do you call a door only prostitutes use ? Hodor
"
125030,"Ladies; The """"JUICY"""" on the back of these shorts should really be on the front.
"
108450,"What is Madonna's least favourite band? Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly
"
112781,"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
"
35730,"What's your best one-liner?
"
120868,"What did one orphan say to another? Get in the Batmobile Robin.
"
80684,"I used to want to be a banker. But then I lost interest
"
51343,"what is the key to picking up girls who are musicians? get a flat and be sharp
"
9278,"To those that say I'm Cancer I'm not Cancer, I'm Aquarius!
"
191099,"A great joke What's the difference between a Mexican and an elevator? An elevator can raise a child.
"
6563,"The first couple months of the year go by quickly. February just Marches on.
"
111855,"I just had to clean all the windows in my house. What a pane in the glass that was.
"
99435,"Why is Facebook such a hit? It works on the principle that People are more interested in others life than their own'.
"
186977,"What do you call El Chapo suffering from seizures? Narcolepsy
"
215586,"What do you call a black gynecologist? A gynecologist, you racist bastard!
"
193174,"*National Spelling Bee Final - Spell cyclops. - Use in a sentence. - Cyclops have one eye. *winks at audience - C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
"
110723,"Can you put the pin back in a grenade? It's kind of urgent. Need and answer fast.
"
121885,"Monica Lewinsky will not be voting for Hillary.. The last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth.
"
148972,"My mood ring was recently stolen. I'm not sure how I feel about it.
"
105199,"Why is it called the Middle East when it is in Western Asia?
"
136024,"Did you hear about the man who got AIDS? He was fucked.
"
169004,"Americans have some weird slang... Like calling shooting ranges high schools
"
31606,"A barber was arrested yesterday in my area for selling drugs. I've been his customer for years. Didn't even know he was a barber...
"
33869,"Walking condoms Two condoms are walking down the street. As they pass a gay bar one turns to the other and says.... you wanna go inside and get shit faced?
"
70625,"What's white, blue , and red all over? REDdit.
"
97225,"Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your Random Party Pics' album at 4am.
"
15584,"Whodunnit ? by Ivor Clew
"
10375,"GEEK BOOTY CALL... FRESH AIR You're a breath of fresh air, just like my asthma inhaler!
"
93293,"What's the difference between a crackhead and a John? A crackhead buys crack so he can put it into his pipe and burn it. A John pays so that he can put his pipe into a crack that might burn him.
"
172351,"GYM Man: """"Can you spot me?"""" Me: """"Sure"""" Man: *Throwing down towel* """"Invisibility cloak my ass""""
"
138096,"Who ships Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio the most? Not Titanic
"
34601,"Chuck Norris uses beer coasters as shurikens.
"
182537,"David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
"
179153,"So a blind man walks into a bar... And a table And a chair.
"
170417,"It's so quiet in our office you can actually hear the dreams fizzling out.
"
73130,"A farmer walks into his wife's bedroom with a sheep.... And says """"This is the pig I'm fucking."""" His wife replies """"That's a sheep you fucking idiot!"""" And the farmer says """"I wasn't talking you!""""
"
230406,"What do you call Hitler in the water? Adolfin. Stolen from /u/NightRedditor423
"
198229,"How do you make a hormone? Slap her in the face and refuse to pay her.
"
83265,"Justin has his Beliebers. 1D have their Directioners. If I ever had fans/stalkers I'd call them Tomaskateers.
"
108834,"If you hold the iPad up to your ear you can hear the ocean but only for a little while and only if you're standing right next to the ocean.
"
100075,"Which trigonometric fatio is obsessed with the pokemon Suicune? EuSINE
"
128752,"I like my women like I like my pizza... ...hot, cheap, and on the go.
"
102072,"Yo mama so ugly when she walks down the street in September people say """"Wow is it Halloween already?""""
"
33644,"Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
"
57474,"A drunk law undergrad walks into a bar... ...the invigilator kicks him out.
"
121559,"DM:You're so hot, wanna Skype? Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka? DM: ME:hello...you there
"
103937,"Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game? Because all the fans have left.
"
62738,"Why did the hipster burn himself while eating pizza? Because he ate it before it was cool.
"
158020,"You need subtitles. Me to every 2yr old.
"
46010,"What did the elephant say to the naked man? Dude, how the hell do you breathe through that thing?!?
"
117225,"Which doesnt belong? Camel Polar Bear Obama Buffalo Camel......It's the only one on the list that knows something about the Middle East
"
117708,"I showed my iPad to my iPod, and he was all """"what's up fatty"""".
"
131253,"Don't glare at me lady! You're the one who named your kid Marco then yelled his name in the store!
"
224064,"What do you call the urinal section of the bathroom? The place where all the dicks hang out.
"
195655,"BEN AFFLECK: I'm directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role BEN AFFLECK: Well I'm obviously very flattered
"
179366,"What's the most useful type of hat? A handy-cap
"
217306,"What's the difference between Saddam Hussein and Sperm? One comes from Baghdad and the other ones comes from Dads bag.
"
25049,"I hosted a debate between """"Safe Space"""" advocates and critics The safe space advocates didn't show up and called for my resignation.
"
105902,"For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates... ...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.
"
98507,"So I took a bite of a Hoagie that wasn't mine... Oops wrong sub.
"
126237,"What is long brown and sticky? A poo
"
48932,"All this buzz about Iron Man 2 is really going to hurt the opening weekend of my movie Steel Dude.
"
147507,"Why Can't I Find Out Anything About This Superb Owl #superbowl
"
53447,"So /r/news and /r/The_Donald walk into a bar... [removed]
"
149521,"A scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly. [I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
"
130152,"Ask your doctor why there are claw marks on the wall. Ask your doctor to stop growling. Ask your doctor to stop climbing and smelling you.
"
197081,"Bad news... Apparently """"bouncing baby boy"""" is just an idiom.
"
5741,"I feel sorry for my testicles. They can't even hang out without being judged.
"
41905,"There's one fantasy scene in 50 Shades of Grey that I'd love to be part of in real life... ...specifically, the part where the protagonist gets a job straight out of college.
"
197116,"When I die, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. I also don't want to be cremated.
"
189973,"When buying a new bed, don't be too quick to make a decision You've gotta sleep on it.
"
68594,"Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
"
34036,"How do you make a ginger snap? Call them """"carrot top""""
"
118047,"Once upon a time, a rabbit went bald... ...and he was so embarrassed that he ran away. He was hare today, gone tomorrow.
"
75743,"[tearing off our clothes] Her: I want you. Take off your shoes. *kicks flip-flop through her TV*
"
138329,"I went to an ATM... I was at an ATM this morning and this older lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"
140190,"There was a vote at the offices of Microsoft whether to update a beloved software or keep it the way it was. Bill Gates decided to v2 it
"
31518,"""""LOOK AT ME DON'T LOOK AT ME"""" - Cleavage
"
227775,"I give it two months before Trump tries putting his face on our money.
"
127220,"All of the heroes of Overwatch have natural hair colors... Because heroes never dye.
"
231504,"There's 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
"
129318,"I went into panera the other day The clerk said, """"do you want a side of chips or a French baguette?"""" I replied, """"never baguette.""""
"
83554,"People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.
"
178221,"What do you call a Communist sniper? A Marxman.
"
40040,"My father was a nun. Whenever he was up in court and the judge asked """"occupation"""", he'd say """"none"""". (From Blackadder Goes Forth, is this still eligible for /r/jokes?)
"
164021,"My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
"
149621,"Did You Know Willie Nelson Just Died? He was playing On The Road Again.
"
43281,"I remember last year... It's like it was yesterday.
"
115576,"My kleptomania is getting worse I should definitely take something.
"
60037,"[me buying drugs for the first time] wow that's a very puffy jacket u have on
"
105727,"If Donald Trump wants to send all the illegal female Mexicans back over the border Then he should give sexting a go.
"
9017,"What's the only difference between a near sighted and a far sighted gynecologist ? A wet nose.
"
54827,"Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
"
161673,"When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed My name, my address, my phone number
"
162236,"I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
"
50280,"How do you get the walls of your house as bright as they can possibly be? Use LED based paint.
"
192993,"What is an extremist's favourite thing to have sex with? A blow up doll
"
83434,"Life is scary; at least the salary is funny.
"
220196,"I want to become a lawyer just so I can defend all my clients in court by saying, """"I mean, don't we all make mistakes""""
"
155445,"A woman flashed her tits at me today.... I just sat there and giggled like a school boy. Then she said to me """" will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor.""""
"
171244,"Who is the chess player's dream companion? A *Czech Mate*
"
43746,"What is a Redditors favorite animal? A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.
"
151890,"how many American cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just shoot the room for being black
"
45306,"Why did Mike Dukakis lose the 1998 Presidential election? He TANKED his campaign!
"
198370,"Make a Fire Q: How do you make a fire with two sticks? A: Make sure one is a match!
"
223901,"Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that? Hiker: THAT'S A BABY. YB: And I'm a talking bear. Hiker: YB: Hiker: YB: So where are we on that baby?
"
27931,"How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? How the hell did they get inside a light bulb?
"
136577,"My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest... He wrote a poem.
"
178987,"Why should trees never sign birthday cards? Because they're always so *Sappy*!
"
149860,"[sex ed in middle school] Teacher: """"Today we are having sex ed"""" Ed: hell yeah we are! Teacher: """"Education""""
"
99255,"I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness... It came out of the green.
"
87824,"Why is leather armour the best for sneaking? Because it's literally made of hide. *Ba Dum Tsss
"
216587,"If a redditor who is going into labour posts an original content (picture) of her in the ward... Is it polite to say """"OP will deliver?""""
"
110020,"Contrary to popular belief, the best lubricant for anal sex is not tears. It's blood
"
125222,"I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
"
39393,"The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
"
65654,"Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats? They might be cheetahs!
"
68802,"Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do. Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
"
151723,"People must really love this Jesus fellow... I'm just Mexican.
"
214531,"What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? You slow down and use lube (   )
"
62035,"God: u can ask me 1 question me: ok if the singular of geese is goose is the singular of sheep a shoop God: [later] devil: welcome to hell
"
126478,"How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved?? Dude,I already did my time.
"
193148,"What do you call a seamstress who makes things up? A *fabric*ator. It was a slow day at work...
"
59784,"What does a carpet salesman give his wife for Valentine's Day? Rugs and kisses!
"
163626,"Why don't you make fun of a fat girl with a lisp? She's probably thick and tired of it.
"
5804,"My friend told me that each person creates 10 tons of CO2 a year, and said I should be taking steps to bring that number down so I shot a guy.
"
102913,"What's the worst place to run in to your ex girlfriend? Auschwitz
"
133979,"A Catholic priest and a rabbi are sitting together on a bench when a young boy walks by... """"Let's fuck him!"""" says the priest. """"Out of what?"""" asks the rabbi.
"
164139,"I bought a fancy new clock radio today. It cost me alarm and a leg.
"
191567,"Do you know why Bernie Sanders has gotten as much sex as he's had? Because he doesn't care about position!
"
57962,"A man died at the drive-in theater He froze to death seeing """"Closed for season"""".
"
198377,"Shopkeeper: Stop! you can't smoke here. Me: But I bought the it from your shop. Shopkeeper: We also sell condoms but that doesn't mean.. but you don't use them here!
"
91139,"What do you get if you cross a centipede and a chicken ? Enough drumsticks to feed an army !
"
152474,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Divorce Barbie ...includes the house the car and half of Ken's  belongings
"
85994,"""""Thanks, you've been a wonderful host!"""" - Viruses
"
30915,"How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower? Give the bitch a shovel.
"
1727,"Does anyone know if ISIS is hiring? I heard they offer new hires a company cell phone and/or car.
"
135311,"Once I found out masturbating was an addiction, I just knew that I had no choice but to beat it.
"
197281,"Her: Show me your pics Me: Ok *blackberry restarts* *waiting* *gets married* *have kids* Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting *dies*
"
224073,"Whats the most insensitive spot on a man's penis? The man I really need a counter joke for that one
"
212836,"What do you call a sober Irishman? A liar.
"
207587,"Everything is made in China Except babies. They're made in va-chinas
"
15559,"Why don't men have mid-life crises? They stay stuck in adolescence. 
"
216610,"Life is like a penis Its very short but when it gets hard it seems very long
"
9682,"Sucks how Caesar died... ...Who knew he was allergic to knives?!
"
179682,"How does an elephant go up a tree? It stands on an acorn and waits for it to grow.
"
5468,"*tries to mount a horse* Horse: """"I have a boyfriend.""""
"
167390,"Oh you love your mom's cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
"
9378,"What type of car does a ghost drive? A BOOick.
"
113144,"You know what I hate most about N.D.A.s?
"
128036,"There was one good thing still to be said about the politician who went to prison for stalking... He was a man of the peep-hole!
"
87658,"Hey ladies, you realize that you're not required to look at every mirror you come across, right?
"
106660,"My favorite kinds of people are sandwiches.
"
135801,"If you run into someone you know and they say """"we should hang out sometime"""" just say """"I'm ready to hang out right now"""" and watch them panic
"
120316,"Did you hear about the cannibal who switched to Spam? He said it's the greatest thing since sliced Fred
"
20838,"I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn't care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right
"
200207,"Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
"
142788,"If Anakin lost a limb in II and Luke lost a limb in V, then in VIII Rey WILL NOT lose a limb, because she already lost a Han.
"
28311,"2 blondes walk into a bank You'd have thought one of them would have seen it
"
10189,"Jokes about vaginas are disgusting... Period.
"
184199,"Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? Because its pecker is on its head. (Get the reference?)
"
789,"What's the difference between a midget and a venereal disease? One's a cunning runt and the other's a running cunt.
"
185684,"I'll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
"
106733,"I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.
"
96735,"Did you know the triathlon was invented by a gypsy He walked to the swimming pool and rode a bike home
"
129124,"knock knock nice try kiddo, i'm homeless
"
96530,"Why dont my dick work? Ive been punching it for a good half hour now, and it still wont get a job.
"
92627,"I could never commit suicide I just couldn't live with it...
"
183578,"What do the final scene of titanic and the iPhone 7 have in common? They both could've fit the jack
"
11299,"Why did the comedian go to doctor? Because the audience gave him the clap
"
217617,"Telling a girl she has nice hair is not sexual harassment Unless you're a dwarf
"
32281,"Time I spend listening to music  54 seconds. Time I spend untangling headphones  17 minutes
"
121532,"My late wife was abducted by a troupe of travelling Mime artists. The police informed me, they did... Unspeakable things to her.
"
104496,"Be good to yourself, you're all you've got.
"
209295,"Me: I want a... Debit card: Nope. Me: Ok. Just making sure.
"
36101,"What came first? The chicken or the egg? Clearly the chicken. How would an egg orgasm?
"
143151,"Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.
"
151420,"Live without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending 
"
176271,"There are 10 kinds of people in the world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
"
178949,"The human cannonball informs the circus manager that he plans to retire at the end of season. The distraught manager protests """"Where am I going to find another employee of your caliber?""""
"
90919,"I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
"
139124,"*Bursts into bank* Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Bank clerk: No that's clearly a shotgun 2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
"
186327,"Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth's water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
"
56782,"What do you call an alligator that starts something? An insti-GATOR!
"
190435,"Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
"
215632,"Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
"
134800,"One more glass of wine and my """"only a lesbian from the waist up"""" rule is about to go out the window.
"
85754,"A narcissist walks into a bar... The rest of the joke doesn't matter.
"
166744,"If Donald Trump was a communist, instead of saying """"Grab her by the pussy"""" he would have said """"Seize the means of reproduction.""""
"
168583,"What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend? Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me? Edit: I'm an idiot
"
43987,"What do you call a blonde standing on her head? A Brunette with bad breath.
"
64694,"What do you call a frightened nun? A nervous habit
"
179766,"I've got a gag about skin bleaching... ...but I'm not white, to be fair.
"
91808,"A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan. He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
"
88918,"There's a fine line between numerator and denominator.
"
41749,"Why was the broom late? Because he overswept.
"
122249,"What does the south call friends with benefits? Cousins.....
"
16075,"Data's joke from Star Trek:TNG, please finish it: """"A monk a clone and a ferengi decided to go bowling together.""""
"
227407,"Loooooser I am A Looser.  Really You are?
"
213053,"Her: have you had the sex talk with our son yet? Me: *looks over at son wearing crocs* I think we can wait a few years
"
157320,"What's the difference between a cook and a homo? Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.
"
10428,"If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
"
9336,"Did you hear about Joseph Stalin's personal yacht? They say it was a huge dictator-ship.
"
138553,"""""Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears."""" Only Vincent responded.
"
69062,"Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
"
8615,"A man goes to the library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide, the librarian turns around and says """"fuck you, you wont bring it back""""
"
34712,"What do you call a pizza who's a DJ? DJ Beazza Yes it's a stupid pun, but that's a good 50% of my humor, the other half being sarcasm.
"
66065,"I'm not worried about chemtrails anymore. My flu shot must be kicking in.
"
141920,"I don't understand the trend of Chinese restaurants with """"NO MSG!"""" signs. Why would I eat somewhere that I can't send texts?
"
68121,"What did the egg play in the movie? The egg-stra.
"
117466,"What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe? Robertoe
"
165632,"Don't hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That'll cut down teen pregnancy
"
40674,"Hear About the Restaurant on the Moon? Hear about the restaurant on the Moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
"
78433,"I wish vaginas were like MacBooks. Macs don't get viruses.
"
123431,"Skateboarding has its pros and cons.
"
149214,"DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth's equator, most of them would drown.
"
69498,"Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child? A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
"
104066,"When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
"
207640,"I refuse to go bungee jumping.... ... I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.
"
12331,"Damn, just found out my highlighter leaked!! Now everything in my bag seems important!
"
230024,"Did you know the government can drug test our water supply?! That's why I never piss near a toilet. Instead - I piss on your mom. Shes by the trash.... (not the toilet)
"
192736,"Why Twitter deleted so many terrorist accounts recently? Otherwise they'd kill all the 140 characters.
"
40371,"Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
"
15006,"I like my women like I like my coffee.... ...without a penis
"
12485,"I think I met a medieval water snake But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream. It was totally Sir Eel.
"
56636,"[at subway] And just a little lettuce. *the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping* No wait.
"
130644,"How many mutants do you need to take over a Ship? 5 MutantA MutantB MutantC MutantD and Mutiny
"
152413,"There is nothing funnier than yelling """"SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!"""" at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.
"
74062,"My parents just said they want another child. """"I'd love a sibling!"""" I said. """"That's not what we meant."""" they replied.
"
188796,"Why are cpws made for dancing? They're all born hoofers!
"
58637,"What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About halfway across
"
109306,"Feminist Picnic... No sandwiches were made.
"
157799,"My kids had a shirt made for me that says 'father of the year 2014 quarter finalist'.
"
94086,"I've been getting bullied... and I've been thinking about suicide. I would simply just drink BULLEACH.
"
67479,"[firemen meeting] if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker *from back* """"why dont we just sit downstairs?""""
"
47477,"ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
"
131866,"I just accidentally put my mic too close to my guitar amp and I think I made a Skrillex song.
"
201827,"What do you call a pub for lesbians in circus outfits? A Clown-Dyke-Bar Credit to u/TheBigDsOpinion
"
230259,"I have a strange attraction to bananas. I don't know why, I just find it apeeling.
"
9649,"The recipe said """"prick with a fork,"""" but enough about me.
"
148695,"After a dinner party ...while taking plates to the kitchen my guest asked if the dishwasher was dirty. I said no, I believe she showered before dinner.
"
42149,"What does a girl want more than anything in the world? Nothing. She's fine.
"
102535,"Three reddit mods walk into a bar [Removed]
"
165431,"You: """"Nice glasses."""" Me: """"Thanks. They'd look better on your nightstand.""""
"
166031,"I got my girlfriend the perfect Valentine's Day present today. Hand lotion.
"
63552,"I bought zombie insurance recently it was a no brainer
"
22047,"Lif... ...is too short.
"
3132,"The problem with traveling into the future is that it's hard to determine the date because newspapers no longer exist.
"
163122,"HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO, OR AS IT'S KNOWN AS IN ARIZONA, """"CINCO DE WHAT-O? YOU'RE UNDER ARREST-O, PACO""""
"
180501,"I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
"
89200,"Wizards of the Coast: Wizards of the Coast, and this is where the magic happens.
"
6784,"My mom asked me if I would still date a girl who had cancer and lost her hair from chemo. i told her, """"Of course, that just means she has better head!""""
"
48210,"Did you ever blow bubbles when you were a kid? Well I hear he's back in town. Source: The Amazing Jeffery
"
69396,"Where do Dutch sheep go at night? TO SHLEEP! :D
"
230914,"What's the square root of optimus prime? I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.
"
184998,"Why is Santa so Jolly? He knows where all the naughty girls live.
"
124782,"a beer at yankee stadium is like a monthly mortgage payment in any other state
"
38606,"What did the deaf bug order at the bar? A Bee-Ear
"
67246,"What did the unicyclist say to the bicyclist? I'm bi curious.
"
33151,"There is going to be a merger between FedEx and UPS.. Yep, they're going to be called """"FedUp""""
"
227042,"Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he's probably on that thing like """"MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING""""
"
228967,"I was having sex with my wife... and asked her how it felt. She grunted and groaned and said it felt like two. So, I reached down to investigate. The damn thing had done gone and doubled up on me.
"
58886,"Somebody said that truth doesn't exist at all. And then an enthusiastic supporter shouted: """"YEAH, THAT'S THE TRUTH!""""
"
155483,"What do you call a con-artist who minored in psychology? Sigmund Fraud
"
227810,"What do you call a slutty mermaid? An H2hoe
"
58607,"I'd tell you a good chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.
"
199898,"Video games and dicks What's the difference between video games and dicks? Video games take longer to beat.
"
3663,"Santa's lap isn't the only place wishes come true.
"
80278,"What do you call 3 Irish tree surgeons? Tree fellas
"
211026,"What is a whale's favorite TV show? Flukes of Hazard!
"
99402,"What do Hitler and Terry Fox have in common? Neither of them could completely finish a race.
"
33118,"Please don't joke about WWII, my grandpa died in a KZ camp He fell down from the guard tower.
"
173836,"So I was in the movie theatre... and I was watching an incredibly sad film. So sad that the man behind me started wailing, then he hit me in the head with a harpoon.
"
121197,"How do you make a black nervous? Take him to an auction.
"
212499,"Apparently, I snore so loudly that it scares everyone... In the car I'm driving.
"
138077,"What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
"
90054,"(NSFW) What do crocs and a blow job from a dude have in common? They both feel good until you look down.
"
14167,"A musician always closed his eyes when he sang. When asked, he replied, """"I can't bear to see people suffering.""""
"
203764,"A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
"
16558,"*interrupts your heartfelt story* Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say """"dying wish"""" again! Ok now say """"coffee""""!
"
61974,"What's the difference between a smart midget... What's the difference between a smart midget and a woman with a venereal disease? Well, one's a cunning runt...
"
123451,"Blood is thicker than water, so I'm going to have to use Comet on this bathtub
"
200313,"""""What an awesome body-"""" Oh... thanks. I work out- """"- of research."""" - formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
"
137921,"Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, """"LIAR!"""" into her ear after I watched her type """"lol"""". She did NOT lol.
"
94157,"Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes? A: She said they were pretty good but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
"
35972,"What do you call a German paedophile hiding in the playground bushes? Kinder Surprise!
"
219710,"Everyone wanted to go to Arch Strength, or Arch Dexterity, even to Arch Luck. Can't for the life of me think why noone wanted to go to Arch Wits.
"
29668,"When your boss tells you """"I need you to have everything done by Friday."""" You say... I can't have everything done by Friday! Who do you think I am, Robinson Crusoe?!
"
32997,"Q: How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Just one but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.
"
96386,"The wages of sin is death But hey, at least I got a job.
"
52543,"what's the healthiest thing about eating a wheelchair? The vegetable.
"
7809,"I call my penis """"Batman"""". Girls love it when the Dark Knight Rises.
"
43818,"Come on Fred I'll take you to the zoo. If the zoo wants me let them come and get me!
"
154591,"I like my coffee like I like my women... without a penis.
"
46280,"How do you feel about tapes and cds? Well you're gonna love it when I tape my dick to your forehead so you can see dees nuts on your face.
"
155009,"What do you call a Rastafarian Irishman? Eamon
"
108972,"What do bad dancers have in common with Michael J Fox trying to use the soft serve ice cream machine? They both have a hard time pulling off a twist.
"
54626,"A judge had sex with an underage boy... Reports say the judge is not going to face any charges. He tried him as an adult
"
108474,"The only thing I arouse is suspicion.
"
207160,"In Pokemon, why is fighting super effective against dark type? Because beating up black people is effective. (plz no haterino)
"
62746,"What's a pirates favorite letter? If you said """"arrr"""" you'd be wrong. It be the sea
"
178503,"I once tried to become a Nazi... ...but killing people was outside mein kampf-ort zone.
"
76635,"The difference between reddit and college is ... You get a piece of paper at the end of college.
"
31290,"Stephen Hawking's worn out two pair of shoes since the last time my co-worker said something intelligent.
"
75442,"I barely slept last night; I kept dreaming about mufflers. I'm exhausted.
"
111634,"A friend and I are walking down the street When we see a dog laying in the yard , licking his balls. My friend says """"I wish I could do that!"""". I told him """" I bet that dog would bite you!""""
"
86242,"What is the only inedible part of a vegetable? The wheelchair
"
36323,"What's black and found at the top of a stair case? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
"
11901,"What do you call a parrot when it has dried itself after a bath? Polly unsaturated!
"
208279,"What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke
"
21076,"If television has taught me anything, it's that I can totally outrun an explosion.
"
143433,"HELLO, 911? I'M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT'S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE'RE FALLING UP
"
72371,"How many vampires does it take to open the Curtain on Daylight? Just one with depression.
"
96756,"As a white man I can't say the word Ni.... But I can say """"thank you for the warning officer..""""
"
218462,"What is the best formula for leaving Auschwitz? Lenght of chimney x wind speed
"
187262,"A guy calls 911 """"Send an ambulance! My wife's having a baby!"""" """"Just calm down down"""", says the operator, """"Is this her first baby?"""" """"No it's her husband you idiot!""""
"
191087,"barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time [20mins later] barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question
"
61041,"Are people who write """"prolly"""" rather than """"probably"""" just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that's a word?
"
85156,"What is the best celebration to have in a French Toilet? A biday party!!
"
195058,"Johnny was a chemists son, but Johnny is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4.
"
135082,"[moses parts sea] Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids Moses: thats my only trick
"
162699,"The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave
"
124794,"What do you call it when you poop and masturbate at the same time? Two turds with one bone
"
217746,"If I say """"last Star Wars"""" and u say """"Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It's a prequel!"""" I'm going to hit u with a fish tank.
"
28265,"Autocarrot sucks!
"
77211,"My wife gets kind of bitchy once a month. It usually lasts about 30 days.
"
140821,"How did a hipster burn his mouth? Drank his coffee before it was cool
"
130387,"A man heard that over 90% of car accidents happen within 15 km of home. So he moved.
"
215519,"Knock Knock
"
38995,"What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ? 9GAG
"
38593,"Loaf me, loaf me, say that you knead me.
"
219878,"Q.What do you get when you cross a Fire Chief two Lotus Notes Gurus ? A. FireWeb .... of course!
"
106365,"The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they're easier to set on fire.
"
160873,"Jews rated their trip to auschwitz It was one star
"
87141,"""""Stop hitting me."""" -Rock bottom.
"
191216,"""""Did you hire a wedding photographer?"""" Sure did! *a dog with a gopro strapped to its head runs by*
"
162610,"The kidnapper rang and said """"10,000 and you get your wife back"""" """"Negotiate with him!"""" advised the policeman """"20,000 and she's all yours""""
"
156473,"What would I do?
"
100176,"Why did the eunuch farmer wake up late? he had no cock!!!
"
127748,"Im probably the best ever at being humble.
"
145794,"When your parents get old, you take care of them the way they took care of you when you were young. Which is why I gave my kids heroin.
"
182836,"What's brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. Dre
"
172984,"I was once offered a role in a gay porno But in the audition, I blew it
"
133854,"I'd like to buy this EXTRA SMALL condom please. """"Sir, that is a sleeping bag"""" *winks at cashier continually until she finishes her shift*
"
114672,"what does pinocchio have for breakfast? oakmeal
"
17244,"Facebook needs an """"I've already seen this on Twitter"""" button.
"
291,"What does a sheep call a film it doesn't like? a baaahhhd movie. (   )
"
106138,"How did Helen Kellers parents punish her? They gave her a basketball and told her to read.
"
131846,"Coming Out Girl: Dad Dad: yeah? Girl; I have Bad News Dad: What Is It Sweetie?? Girl: I'm A Lesbian... Dad: Ok... Other Sister: I'm Lesbian Too Dad: Does Anyone In This Family Like Boys!!! Son; I Do
"
201574,"what do you call a chinese millionaire? Cha Ching
"
59823,"How did the bootician style the ghost's hair?  With a scare dryer!
"
228123,"How do you comfort a grammar nazi? Their, they're, there.
"
222670,"just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I'm so confused
"
53626,"Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
"
171485,"Who cleans up after Seeing Eye Dogs?
"
49089,"Sometimes I want to make a joke about short people But I don't want to stoop to their level.
"
7458,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can't change shit.
"
134354,"Silence is Golden, except when coming from children... Then you'd better go check to see what's broken.
"
49312,"My mom got remarried to a man with a son, and he just crapped in our bathroom. So now I have a step-father, a step-brother, and a step-stool!
"
99025,"Did you hear about the priest that had a Nicotine patch on his dick? (NSFW) He's cut back to two butts a week
"
142371,"A young wife was dying... She called her husband and said, """"Gary, I have a confession: I've been unfaithful."""" Gary answered, """"I know. That's why I poisoned you.""""
"
48458,"Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
"
215550,"My wife with a hearing aid died RIP headphone users
"
124789,"*goes in bank with finger guns* This is a robbery! """"no one'll take you seriously-"""" *switches to double barrel finger guns* """"do what he says""""
"
206736,"""""Do NOT wake her up! It took me thirty minutes to get her to shut up and go to sleep."""" -Conversation I just had about a damn Furby.
"
27076,"What do you call an Italian man with Parkinson's? A stutterer.
"
108606,"Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
"
153100,"What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck and I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore
"
204504,"What's the hardest part of telling a good gay joke? Keeping a straight face
"
80517,"What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track?  The Indy 500.
"
142269,"Where can you find alcoholic sheep? At the BAAAAH
"
25592,"what's the difference between mean and morbid? mean: five children in one dustbin morbid: one child in five dustbins
"
108773,"What's smokey the bear's middle name? The.
"
219791,"""""Poop"""" is quite possibly the shittiest palindrome in the whole English language.
"
130160,"What's the difference between a Catholic Priest and a zit? Nothing, they both come on a boy's face when he turns 13.
"
31952,"How does one French arsonist flirt with another one? """"Voulez-vous bruler avec moi ce soir?""""
"
133709,"What do tasty weiner's and attractive bitches have in common? They are both hot dogs.
"
121437,"Why are turtles so grumpy? Because they can't masturbate.
"
163911,"My life is a constant cycle of waiting until the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
"
220057,"A wizard walked into a gay bar and disappeared with a poof
"
75445,"I don't like how far I have to scroll down when I enter my birth year online.
"
64949,"what do homosexuals and peanut butter have in common? They both dont come in boxes
"
144020,"Where do ghosts go for their holidays?  The Dead Sea.
"
216393,"What do all Japanese Airmen wear eye patches? Because they're pirots!
"
149946,"wow. chess is like a whole different game when you play it with your clothes on. was it always like that, grandpa? cause I don't like it.
"
208286,"I'm currently between relationships. The couple on my right are kissing and I think the couple on my left are about to start doing it.
"
165753,"I went to an orgy... And all I got was this cummy t-shirt.
"
149950,"Environmentally speaking you really should reuse plastic bag's To suffocate your children
"
192964,"Where do Chinese people find work? On ChinkedIn of course. (I know the pun is racist but I had to share. Sorry.)
"
167936,"I got expelled from school on pajama day. It's not my fault I sleep naked.
"
80005,"I'm such a funny guy that everybody laughs at me. My life is a meme :')
"
87235,"What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe? I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.
"
28159,"[Adam and Eve in bed] Adam, am I really the only girl for you? GOD EVE, YOU'RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
"
146982,"It's like my wife didn't even TRY to clean the house while I went out to play poker... I mean, how am I supposed to live like this?
"
57281,"How can you use a banana as a compass? Place a banana on the Berlin Wall. East is where a bite has been taken out of it. [Source](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/East_Germany_jokes)
"
98298,"[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
"
137046,"If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, """"Yeah, I heard it sucks""""
"
176992,"The Barenaked Ladies have been pulled from the rubble alive, following the Nepal Earthquake. Its been One Week.
"
80585,"Why can't Daredevil drive a car? Because he's from New York.
"
112039,"""""Son, I found a condom in your room"""" """"Gee, thanks, Grandpa!"""" """"Why are you calling me Grandpa?"""" """"Because I couldn't find it yesterday.""""
"
121319,"A study showed that more women have vibrators than husbands. Just to play it safe, I'm teaching my penis to vibrate.
"
216808,"I never feel older than in the 12 seconds I spend on web pages scrolling down to my birth year.
"
204737,"Whisky won't fix your problems... But it's worth a shot!
"
122574,"What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web? Your keyboard.
"
230504,"My girlfriend of 6 years broke up with me on the grounds that I'm an """"emotionally stunted, unfeeling, uncaring piece of shit"""". I don't know how I feel about this.
"
84289,"I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.
"
201250,"My veterinarian told me to stop feeding my cows round bales of hay... they don't provide a square meal
"
176863,"I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I'm obviously counting.
"
164260,"Ghost joke How could a ghost have two moms One of them has to be a transparent
"
165562,"What's the highest thing in existence? A female's issues. They won't ever be able to get over them.
"
74611,"I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? """"At least it's all behind you.""""
"
209722,"Ever wonder why African dating agencies are so successful? The clients always click
"
118742,"Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
"
166211,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridie ! Bridie who ? Bridie light of the silvery moon !
"
224794,"Reese Witherspoon was hit by a car in Los Angeles this morning. To be fair, the driver had just watched Four Christmases.
"
131006,"Le dice una madre a su hijo """"Me ha dicho un pajarito que te drogas!""""... El hijo responde: """"La que se debe estar drogando eres tu que andas hablando con pajaros""""
"
204535,"One comedian on Britain's got talent brought on wrapped boxes. He said he wanted to have on stage presence.
"
118460,"If sober me won't do it...drunk me will.
"
105046,"How do you fit 50 Jews in a car? 2 in the front 3 in the back and 45 in the ash tray.
"
190410,"Upon what does a jungle cat write a letter? A cheetah paper.
"
105359,"I LOVE THE IDEA OF BOWSER LOVINGLY FOLDING A FLYING RACCOON SUIT AND PUTTING IT IN A TREASURE CHEST FOR ME TO FIND IN HIS DUNGEON.
"
156495,"I hold my iPhone up outside your window to play our song. A 90 second ad plays first.
"
39269,"My weird uncle Dale has a job yelling at cars on the side of the highway. It doesn't pay actual money, but it's cool that he's his own boss.
"
99952,"Fred's class was taken to the Natural History  Museum in New York. """"Did you enjoy yourself?"""" asked her mother when she got home. """"Oh yes"""" replied Fred. """"But it was funny going to a dead zoo.""""
"
59221,"I saw this lady vogueing alone so I felt bad and started dancing with her. Anyone know sign language for 'Im sorry'?
"
35072,"Dear ugly people, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol
"
72414,"What do girlfriends and ass hairs have in common? They never let shit go.
"
74134,"*accidentally likes a hot girl's photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
"
59216,"Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshiping cats.
"
37851,"vegan zombie what does a vegan zombie eat? GRAAAAINS
"
199142,"I dread doing laundry as if I didn't have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
"
95371,"I spotted a machine in a store that read """"It'll do to you what you do to eggs!"""" and I'm still trying to figure out what that means. Beats me.
"
153347,"Your tweet is funny. You didn't hear that short, little exhale through my nose?
"
20967,"They hired another Russian guy at my work He seems to think everything that Ukrainian guy tells him is so obvious.
"
186710,"My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday.. we call him Phil now
"
224306,"If I die, bury me with fire extinguishers. Because: Hell
"
101692,"""""I have an unsolicited opinion on that!"""" --Every douche blanket on Twitter.
"
228686,"Pornhub and Redtube have a meeting and the rest was all history.
"
36008,"Why wouldn't you ever see a pachyderm on a civil warship? Because an elephant never frigates. aaahhhthankyou
"
104976,"Kim Kardashian's starts a new political party, and names it Popular Back
"
11277,"What did the dog say to the vet that just castrated him? No hard feelings.
"
174214,"What's the difference in a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a Garbanzo bean on my face before.
"
204083,"Doctor, I need help. I have a bowel movement everyday at 7. But that's very health, Mr Johnson. It would be but I don't wake up until 8
"
222634,"I took a class on 'The Silence of the Lambs' It was a Hannibal lecture.
"
83752,"What is green and goes a hundred miles per hour? A fuel injected pickle.
"
215664,"The Six States of Matter Solid Liquid Gas Plasma Bose-Einstein Condensate Black Lives
"
145883,"Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
"
21306,"Why do noses run and feet smell?
"
92300,"What do you get when American pioneers develop a video game? They manifest Destiny
"
48167,"It's so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me. Yeah, I'll go with that.
"
60120,"My penis used to be in the Guinness Book of World Records until the librarian told me to take it out.
"
96280,"Why did the semen cross the road? I put the wrong socks on this morning...
"
101633,"What did the black kid get for Christmas? My bike
"
41109,"My friend told me if im upset about something i should sleep on it... I told him to give it a rest.
"
184592,"I just watched a knot making documentary, it was really good! Especially that ending, what a twist.
"
207069,"How come newspapers make so much money? Because they make money off Paper Views
"
160109,"Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
"
42306,"Not trying to be racist or ignorant but...nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
"
154245,"Hey girl, you're a 10 on my scale... But that's only because you're basic.
"
119039,"What sex position makes ugly babies? Ask your parents
"
227233,"Why did the DJ have such small hands? Wee paws for station identification.
"
167059,"What do you call a woman that sets her bills on fire? Bernadette.
"
30418,"swallow...
"
134151,"My girlfriend calls me Ronda Rousey Because I only last 45 seconds in the ring.
"
116785,"A sentence and a phrase is arguing, what did the sentence say? I know where you're coming from this phrase, but I can't see your point.
"
24061,"im dating: britney spears rn
"
23709,"What does a Scottish cat say? Mee yew!
"
163691,"My wife's just like my kids... Imaginary
"
93886,"What superhero would a (insert stereotype here) man be? Batman. Why? Because he can't go out at night without Robin!
"
201416,"My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like watt
"
92078,"my mate rang me earlier.... My mate rang me earlier and says """"Hey dude, what you up to?"""" """"Probably failing my driving test"""" I say
"
184744,"What did the Banana do when he was accused of drowning his children and slowly torturing his wife to death? He appealed. He *appealed*.
"
171021,"Miles Davis was indeed a lucky man... He literally had a Blow Job lasting 45 years.
"
227487,"I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but I hear they deal with alot of pricks.
"
211086,"How to ruin a joke: By reposting it several times in less than an hour
"
163311,"Slave: I know a way to escape Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven't heard of it. It's really underground.
"
112847,"Don'tcha wish your g/f was fun like me? *plays Twister* Don'tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me? *regurgitates a jellyfish* Don'tcha...?
"
33553,"""""To serve and protect.""""
"
84469,"Why can't Albert Einstein drive? Because he never learned.
"
91375,"Religion vs science? Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings
"
81979,"My wife is a famous porn star. But she would be pissed if she ever found out.
"
190308,"My resolution last year was to lose 25 lbs. Anyone know how I can lose 50lbs in an hour and fifteen minutes?
"
172517,"I really would love to see two mimes arguing
"
67810,"I Used To Be Against Sodomy Butt fuck it!
"
130045,"Why is stormtrooper always late from work? He keeps missing his train
"
84562,"What does Trump call his immigration plan? Order 66.
"
183108,"I'm sorry my dollar isn't straight enough for you, homophobic vending machine.
"
59688,"til the hard way that my toenails are stronger than my teeth.
"
126142,"Asking your mom, """"Will there be any pretty girls coming?"""" Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
"
155530,"Why is sex with 92 year olds tiring? Because there is 90 of them...
"
216556,"DOG 911: What's ur emer- DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON DOG 911: So DOG: HE'S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN'T FIND THEM DOG 911: OMG DOG: OMG
"
87096,"My wife and I often orgasm at the same time But rarely in the same place.
"
11849,"A wireless bra? They weren't tricky enough, now I need a password?
"
59163,"What does a pirate's beard feel like? Corsair. (works better in a pirate accent)
"
21290,"The embarrasing email Hillary Clinton doesn't want anyone to know about [deleted]
"
182494,"Lawyer: The defense rests Judge: Counselor, your rebuttal? Lawyer: HAHAHA that sounded like """"you're a butthole"""" Judge: LOLOLOL #Buttle
"
204244,"Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks Can you put me up for the night ?
"
70896,"Why do Jews watch porn backwards? Because they like to climax at the part when the hooker gives the money back.
"
134693,"What has 99 legs and one tooth? The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
"
91051,"If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, will Greece help?
"
72513,"My retirement plan is to die young and broke.
"
3046,"My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale... I gave her some bread crumbs and left her in the forest.
"
13329,"Where did the newlywed horses stay? In the bridle suite!
"
231248,"Have you seen www.hook.com? Yes it's already caught my eye.
"
95840,"Tug boats hate when their mom comes in their room without knocking.
"
78759,"What does an Australian witch ride on? A broomerang!
"
219115,"First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
"
69089,"""""There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU."""" And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we're in public.
"
99394,"Why do dogs make good sailors? They know their knots.
"
41323,"What is the definition of suspicion? A nun doing push ups in a cucumber field.
"
65555,"What's the difference between George W. Bush and Hitler? Hitler was an evil *genius*.
"
175334,"If there's ever a zombie apocalypse, I really hope it starts in Vegas Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
"
206300,"A hiring manager had a stack of resumes, took half, and threw them in the trash... Coworker asks, """"what are you doing!?!"""" HR Manager said, """"I don't like to hire unlucky people.""""
"
166518,"There were elections in the United States. Tom Hanks went to cast his vote. As soon as he came out of the polling booth after doing so, everyone started applauding. Why? It was a vote of T. Hanks.
"
192845,"How many suh dudes does it take to change a light bulb? None, its already lit fam!
"
109902,"Have you guys tried McDonald's new Premium McWrap? So much better than the Budget McWrap, which is a dead mouse in a cabbage leaf.
"
99210,"Eggs and Toast walk into a bar And the bartender says, """"We don't serve breakfast here.""""
"
159307,"Is thinking about doing something! Now just got to think what that something will be!!!
"
122659,"Me: Do you have any wrongdog? """"Ugh fine what's wrongdog"""" Me: thank you so much for asking I'm doing terrible
"
69963,"As told to me by my 7 YO son this morning... Him: What's a pirates favorite letter? Me: ARRRGH! Him: You would think it would be ARRRGH but my first love be the """"C""""!
"
3797,"Why type of lightning likes to play sports?  -Ball lightning
"
24563,"I told my wife I love her like a Brit loves soccer... She looked worried and said, """"So you're going to get drunk and yell at me?"""" EDIT: correcting auto-correct.
"
56296,"For a first date date, my girlfriend wasn't impressed when I tried to drive over the frozen lake drunk. But, it was an icebreaker.
"
187608,"I'll never forgive the Nazis for how they treated my grandad in that concentration camp during the war... Five years he was there on that machine gun tower, and never got a single promotion...
"
16579,"So, I haven't seen the vice president in the news much recently I think that he may just be Biden his time
"
182834,"Two balloons are floating in the desert. one balloon says to the other, """"hey! watch out for that cactussssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss""""
"
18107,"What the Mayans taught me The Mayans taught me that if you don't finish something, it's not really the end of the world.
"
12357,"Science at its finest. Why are all subatomic particles gay? Because they are all atoms
"
209649,"All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates """"I know Hillary can be bought. I have the receipts.""""
"
145545,"Everyone criticizes the Salem Witch Trials, but we haven't had a witch attack in over 200 years.
"
177784,"What's a pilots least favorite holiday? May Day!
"
12704,"What do you call a deer without eyes? No-eye deer! Note: we are from Hicksville, USA. This may not make sense without the Midwestern accent.
"
11565,"THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be? [goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion] ME: uhfailure
"
154630,"Who do you call to clean up foul language? A cuss-todian!
"
157540,"What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff
"
125861,"guys calm down squirrels invented parkour
"
28343,"When I was a kid I used to ask my my papa... """"Whatcha doin?"""" Papa would say, """"I'M MINDING MY OWN DAMN BUSINESS."""" Best advice ever.
"
60246,"I can't love you. I'm still in love with a girl I saw in a toothpaste ad 15 yrs ago. She winced when she ate ice cream, I can't abandon her.
"
53461,"What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a tennis court? Annette.
"
60619,"What kind of goat did Houdini have? A scapegoat.
"
31574,"How do birds record their songs ? On duck tape !
"
85858,"if you can't put two and two together you might actually enjoy the plot of the new star wars movie
"
90606,"Why does the noble gas always cry? Because all his friends Argon.
"
62387,"Sarah McLachlan should do a commercial but instead of homeless pets in cages, people in cubicles.
"
204309,"Patient: Doctor if I give up wine women and song will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
"
36554,"I met Mrs. Right today Too bad she's already married.
"
170768,"As a Muslim, I'm disappointed That none of my posts have really blown up yet.
"
207303,"What did the man say when he accidentally bumped into the astronaut? """"I Apollo-gize""""
"
50476,"I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
"
188070,"I checked an anti-gravity book out of the library... I just can't put it down.
"
140956,"I met Josh Pec the other day... I met Josh Pec the other day, he's such a boob.
"
97281,"""""Stuff that alligator in that dolphin"""" - God creating sharks
"
154022,"What do you call the one white person on a bus full of black people? Coach
"
18534,"I heard diarrhea is hereditary It runs in your jeans
"
185944,"Whatever you do in life, give 100%... unless you're giving blood.
"
24896,"What do you call a sleep walking nun? A roamin' Catholic.
"
211411,"When people ask me for advice, I tell them, """"Use your best judgment,"""" which they clearly don't have if they are asking me for advice.
"
65792,"What do you call 3 agnostics sitting at a bar? I don't know.
"
35775,"ANIMALS IT'S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA 1. Mosquitoes 2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR 3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark
"
9349,"Twice the cold doth striketh A dog, a ski cabin, and a leather jacket walk into the electric cloud being and merge into the one true demongod.
"
39074,"What did the shirt say to the pants? What's up, britches.
"
73470,"His girlfriend returned all his letters. I bet she marked them """"second class male !""""
"
20412,"A bit rapey.. The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did too, she began running so I ran too, she screamed so I screamed as well. I never even saw what we were running from.
"
190287,"Why was Piglet in the bathroom? He was looking for Pooh.
"
133403,"What did the cop do when his Sergeant did not grant him the vacation he requested? Shot a black man.
"
134601,"What do you call the things on the end of Winnie the Pooh's feet? Putos (Ask your Mexican friend)
"
191474,"What is the difference between 'light' and 'hard'? I can sleep with a light on.
"
133017,"What is the reason for short people temper? They are closer to hell.
"
24578,"What Did H Say 2 O? Water you doing?
"
57595,"I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.
"
200595,"Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
"
63111,"My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
"
50286,"Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition. Now thats what you call pot luck !
"
213143,"[Interview] """"Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?"""" [flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter] ..Yes.
"
136570,"What's the difference between a racist joke and a sexist joke? Racist jokes are offensive.
"
158499,"I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find 'em.
"
157688,"I recently came into a HUGE amount of money. Unfortunately, though, I'm barred from future tours of the Mint.
"
162389,"""""May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind."""" -Sir Smirnoff
"
170614,"Mall walkers: never has anyone taken so seriously something that's so seriously ridiculous.
"
5126,"I added Paul Walker on xbox the other day... Too bad he spends all his time on the dashboard. *Courtesy of my cousin*
"
201688,"A skinny girl and an overweight girl are standing in line on Friday morning. As the Walmart manager unlocks the door, skinny girl says, """"remember, black Friday lives matter.""""
"
191377,"Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
"
36907,"Since we're doing jokes in bad taste... What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway.
"
188352,"Star Wars Spoiler: Darth Vader is Luke's father.
"
148406,"Jesus: *resurrected* Mary Magdalene: I have a boyfriend.
"
54883,"Anal sex... ...it's fucking shit!
"
126728,"I walked up to MC Hammer to tell him a joke.. Stop me if you heard this one
"
10556,"Three blondes are sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is sucking hers one is biting hers one is licking hers. Which one is married? The one with the wedding ring YOU SICK-O!
"
63075,"A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.
"
53202,"Seven dwarves... sitting in a bath and they all felt happy. Happy got out and they all felt grumpy.
"
110300,"I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I'm not wearing pants.
"
95280,"Swear words Faggot shit fuck dick nigger slut ass pussy cunt damn whitey
"
20560,"Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life. It keeps getting harder and I can't stop eating everything in sight.
"
205508,"""""Do you turn on your computer with your left hand or your right hand?"""" """" My right hand."""" """" Amazing!Most people have to use the on/off switch.""""
"
227359,"How do you make a plumber cry? Kill his family.
"
219674,"The best racist joke What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot, you racist!
"
222351,"Necrophilia... There's nothing like cracking open a cold one.
"
135680,"Cup of coffe Patient: """"I get a terrible pain in my eye when I drink a cup of coffee."""" Doctor: """"Try taking the spoon out.""""
"
7400,"I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Two hours later they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery I thought to myself """"They've lost the plot""""
"
106714,"[NSFW] What do woman and airplanes have in common? They both have cockpits.
"
3737,"""""Wanna go camping?"""" """"No thanks, I have a house.""""
"
214150,"Hush little baby, Don't say a word. Daddy's gonna buy you a bunch of crap so he doesn't have to hear your incessant whining ya spoiled brat.
"
172279,"Honey, I have good news,and bad news Which one do you want to hear first? -Tell me the good news. -You' re gonna become an aunt.
"
187799,"Woman's rights Not an april fools joke.
"
30421,"7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT Me: *slowly shreds Pokemon cards w/out breaking eye contact*
"
192354,"I thought I had swag once, turned out it was just a mosquito bite.
"
165899,"Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
"
78059,"My uncle found the g-spot once... ...he tells people he lost those two fingers in the war.
"
141933,"gingers have so many freckles.. gingers have so many freckles because they're so fair skinned... to bad they're not fair souled.
"
158045,"How do five gay men walk? One direction
"
88825,"""""Vitamin Water""""?? Sorry bud, that exists and it's called SOUP
"
51659,"[seaworld] """"Hey what happened to the new guy?"""" -He tried to have sex with the dolphin in tank 6 """"But there's a shark in tan.."""" -BINGO!
"
89413,"I am writing my first Buddhist musical, """"Hello Dalai... Lama"""".
"
135769,"It's like my dad always said: """"Stop quoting me and come up with your own ideas.""""
"
182527,"Who's the most famous chair tester? Mike Easter
"
176610,"2 moderators walk into a bar and see this pedo [removed]
"
166397,"Two black guys are in a car, who's driving? The cop
"
198415,"What do you call Indian flowers? Patels [source](http://i.imgur.com/LXADoFR.jpg)
"
146286,"Your penis is so small it could fit inside a 1948 donut hole
"
66259,"What's your best limerick? There once was a fellow McSweeny Who spilled some gin on his weenie Just to be couth He added vermouth Then slipped his girlfriend a martini
"
138708,"Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says, """"You man the guns, I'll drive"""".
"
193533,"What time do you go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
"
222699,"Why did the coke can throw itself off the building, and why did it become so famous? It was soda pressed
"
148527,"Want to hear a joke? Donald Trump. Oh wait it's not funny anymore.
"
195867,"i'm going to quit my job and open a donut shop that also sells weed i'll call it 'glazed and confused'.
"
104918,"Kids here's a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning
"
57092,"The best things in life are free. Stealing is awesome.
"
136179,"My doctor just told me I have Alzheimers... The only thing I can do now is figure out why I'm at this hospital
"
177411,"Doctor Doctor I think I'm a bridge What's come over you? Oh two cars a large truck and a coach.
"
108872,"How do you make a German Shepherd? Put him in a synagogue.
"
199061,"Welcome to White Privilege 101, if you have no idea why you're here that's exactly why you're here.
"
30765,"*crawls towards him gets between his legs and asks* What do you want? Him-Whatever you want. Me-*gets a bowl of ice cream and turns on tv*
"
214102,"Why did the guitar player get arrested He was fingering a minor
"
118482,"My investment plan is to accumulate enough of the bank's pens to offset my overdraft fees.
"
88273,"Anyone who loses his arms shouldn't just throw them out. You never know when they'll come in handy.
"
7979,"If you're having a rough day, remember there are people out there with their ex's names tattooed on them.
"
97780,"What do you call a Sasquatch that is never on time? Not Yeti
"
227059,"[after blowing out all the candles on my cake] him: Did you wish for world peace again? me: haha of course. *A WILD SQUIRTLE APPEARS*
"
10632,"I like to hangout with people that make me forget to look at my phone.
"
211070,"what do u call a tilt-a-whirl operator with a sunburn? carne asada
"
112086,"What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Use lubricant.
"
87391,"Reddit has gone so dark that it just got shot in the back by a cop
"
205249,"I told the ambulance guys the wrong blood type for my ex Now she should understand what rejection feels like.
"
186317,"I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said """"NOTHING""""
"
170362,"Damn girl, are you a gibson? Cause I would only use you If I would get paid.
"
148062,"A paraplegic got prosthetic legs for a single day before they broke. He had a one night stand.
"
177495,"My wife and i got along so much better... When we were just brother and sister
"
142516,"What is a suicide bomber's favorite TV show? The Big Bang Theory.
"
180746,"Roses are red, violets are yellow, lilacs are cyan, carnations are rainbowish, this LSD pill is lovely.
"
180960,"Why do all the ladies love Jesus? (spreads out arms to fullest length) Because he was hung like this.
"
178272,"Q: Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? A: He has got no beef.
"
21031,"How do Mexicans keep their food warm? Chicken Fajitas.
"
174225,"[quietly] """"Always a bridesmaid never the bride"""" BRIDE: Hey, you're not one of my bridesmaids! """"Shhh...this day is about you, not me.""""
"
16608,"What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? An Ethiopian
"
35451,"Why were the Persians attracted to the Anatolian Greeks? Because they were Ionic.
"
205517,"doctor: u are overweight me: hah yeah doc: ok drop your pants me: ur giving mixed messages doc! doc: me: doc: me: so do u like the Indians
"
90395,"If a pun is the lowest form of humor... Does that make a bun the lowest form of bread?
"
89353,"I'm so irritated This is the 5th ATM I've been to today that has 'insufficient funds'.
"
221053,"Theory: The Winter Olympics were invented by the cowbell industry.
"
167900,"A local grocery bagger has been bagging cola on top of bread. Many were concerned that their bread would be flattened. His response to their concerns was """"It's fine. They're soft drinks""""
"
181512,"Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
"
73318,"A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.
"
43264,"What's the correct term for an americano without cream or sugar? an African Americano
"
176557,"Anal sex is a lot like broccoli. If you don't like it at home, you're really gonna hate it in the school cafeteria.
"
179939,"The escalators at the mall suddenly began working super quickly, causing several people to fall over and brutally die. That escalated quickly.
"
24457,"Whats the difference between a zombie and baby? A zombie may eat your brains, but a baby kills your dreams.
"
19096,"How many men does it take to open a beer? None, the beer should be open by the time she has brought it to you.
"
212859,"New Band I recently started a new band: We have to play every song in a certain order and we all have to be symmetrical on stage. We're called OC/DC.
"
91129,"One man's Facebook crush is probably another man's nagging wife or girlfriend.
"
54570,"I thought by this point in my life I would know what to do with my arms when I sleep, but nope, still confused.
"
98681,"For as long as I can remember... ...I have had memories
"
70968,"Give a man a fire, and he will be warm for a night. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
"
197852,"""""Sir... your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He's in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!"""" - Worst ER doc
"
128799,"Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it's gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
"
181988,"The judge said to his dentist: """"Pull my tooth the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.""""
"
61895,"A black guy walks into a police station.
"
78081,"What kind of weed do muslims smoke? Quranic
"
72740,"Homework. The teachers' way of knowing how smart the parent is.
"
126040,"What's good for the soul and rarely found in America? A sense of humor.
"
53547,"Dark jokes are like food... Only some people get it.
"
73920,"243 http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/11rg19/efficient_jokes/
"
59334,"What did one saggy boob say to the other? """"We better get some support before someone thinks we're nuts!""""
"
112318,"This week, paleontologists discovered a blind dinosaur They named him Doyouthinkhesaurus
"
22034,"Isn't it weird how something that's used as PUNISHMENT as a child becomes a sexual act once we're older? Like oral sex.
"
9704,"Don't let the door hit you on the way out! *guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
"
91867,"I don't usually spank the kids while we're in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
"
208484,"Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It's like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
"
86322,"How are anal sex and spinach the same? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you're going to hate it as an adult.
"
60586,"Guy at the park who just put out his cigar and started doing tai chi is my new fitness guru.
"
18933,"never trust quotes from the Internet ~Abraham Lincoln
"
187306,"I told the insect I knew he used to be part of an elite military unit he was exuberant
"
35771,"Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike? A: Because someone threw a fridge at him.
"
25288,"What type of pants does Mario wear? Denim, denim, denim.
"
132016,"What Did Kid Davis Say To The Lesbian Melons? you cantaloupe. i just thought of this. probably not the first person to, but i certainly didn't steal it.
"
34245,"Have you noticed that the """"&"""" symbol looks like a guy dragging his ass across the floor?
"
64561,"Farted on my wallet... Now I have gas money.
"
152029,"TIL You can't have a crusade without... USA
"
165452,"What did u do last night? Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows? Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
"
172907,"Farts are ghosts of things we eat!
"
123269,"""""<------------ people who don't want Ellen Pao to go."""" --someone who's never getting to the front page
"
5217,"I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven't even read it yet, but somehow folks think it's cool to give key plot points away
"
34689,"Q: What is the definition of Death? A: When you stop paying taxes suddenly.
"
68108,"If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a NUT
"
164531,"My Father said: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' So I sent him to a girls boarding school in France.
"
15104,"Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
"
34138,"""""Dad can we get a puppy?"""" """"No but we can get a submarine if you like?"""" [2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific] """"dad I should be at school""""
"
179635,"Say what you want about paedophiles. At least they drive slow in school zones.
"
78459,"[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock... Whoops, wrong sub.
"
209315,"I wish more fat people would utilize the phrase """"Blimpin ain't easy.""""
"
95283,"Dyslexic man walks into a bra
"
65057,"Daughter saw old clothes I've saved for sentimental value & said 'I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too'. She's out of the will.
"
117149,"My friend and I were talking yesterday and he asked me if I sometimes randomly recited the English vowels. I replied, """"Sometimes, why?"""".
"
157794,"Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework Me: -holds up yellow Me: What color is this? 4: McDonalds The end
"
73224,"My friend Oscar told a joke to Leo Di Caprio. He didn't get it.
"
86479,"Have you ever try ethiopan food ? Neither have they ..
"
156306,"I always said """"Aim for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."""" But apparently that's not a valid excuse and I can't work for NASA anymore.
"
15967,"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
"
222438,"I was shocked to find out that 35% of America's prison population is white. Surely we don't need that many guards.
"
39600,"I have this theory that McDonald's hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That's why they're always hiring.
"
128033,"u cant teach an old fern new tricks. u cant teach any fern any tricks. basicaly a fern makes for a verey disobedient pet
"
35173,"What do you call a priest who has had too much sacramental wine? An Alcatholic.
"
171479,"""""Let me be clear"""" the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
"
24244,"Our youngest has finally graduated from baby bottles to 2-liters of soda.
"
181832,"Why do bears poop in the woods? So nobody will see their bare (bear) bottom!
"
193441,"(: N poo Love, Australia.
"
181041,"Q: What happened when the teacher fell in the copier? A: She was beside herself.
"
129827,"What did the cheese maker say to his son after he dropped the cheese? That's no whey to go through life, son.
"
100972,"Just found some atheist propaganda in this motel room. I opened the dresser drawer and it was empty.
"
35873,"An Asian man goes to the eye doctor The eye doctor says, """"Sir, you have a cataract"""". And the Asian man says, """"No, I have a Rincoln Contirental"""".
"
222756,"Once upon a time there was a Chinese man and a Chinese woman Look how many there are now
"
229137,"What do you call a lion with a fancy hat? A dandy lion.
"
151110,"What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady? And we will never know because he can't stand up.
"
41731,"There are many people who are very self-aware... You know who you are.
"
89129,"A cheeseburger walks into the bar... And the bartender says """"Sorry, we don't serve food here."""" Sorry
"
214527,"[wife answering phone] Gary, it's 3am! Where are you? """"I don't have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!""""
"
185012,"How do you know if there's an athiest on a reddit thread? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
"
71223,"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair with a cell phone? Virgin Mobile.
"
175110,"Why do Mexicans like spicy food? It induces labor.
"
31054,"What do you call a magic owel? Hoo-Dini!
"
86302,"What are my views on lesbian relationships ? I view it in HD.
"
81068,"I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, """"Stairs"""".
"
64132,"In Soviet Russia ... the Government owns the Corporations.
"
218078,"What do you call a popular joke on reddit? repost
"
39921,"What kind of fun does a priest have? Nun.
"
113059,"A Math Quip You couldn't tell an asymptote from a hole in the graph
"
119762,"Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less than his wife.
"
8947,"Damn girl, are you my Bachelor's degree because you wasted my time and now I hate you.
"
170940,"You're not considered antisocial if no one wants to talk to you.
"
119364,"I'm 87% sure """"snooze button"""" time is sped up and """"waiting for the microwave"""" time is slowed down and this is not okay.
"
38886,"Cats are like rapists My cat is a lot like a rapist. He has no concept of the words """"Stop"""" and """"No!""""
"
90634,"I just invented this new word! Plagiarism.
"
28148,"I'm writing a book about futurology. It's coming soon.
"
16360,"If you make an oriental dizzy.... does he become disoriented?
"
61660,"i hav cat-like reflexes """"prove it"""" *looks at a cat* (instantly) i like that cat
"
225835,"Stereotypes are just like regular types, except every time someone almost kills me, while I'm driving, it's an Asian person.
"
208250,"Highways are a lot like toilets... It only takes a couple big shits to back everything up.
"
187277,"6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year? Me: 6: I like it Me: It's mistletoe son
"
192390,"Why do lambs go to casinos? They love to gambol.
"
110107,"A Rabbi, a lawyer, and a Priest are on a sinking ship. The Rabbi says, """"Save the children!"""" The lawyer says """"Fuck the children!"""" ... The Priest says, """"Do we have time?""""
"
130904,"What do you say when you see a rainbow colored seacow O the hue manatee
"
41423,"I walked into the library the other day and asked the librarian if he still had that mouldy old book on giving your child up for adoption. """"It was vile so I got rid of it."""" """"That's the one.""""
"
86524,"Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac who has dyslexia? He lays awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.
"
191668,"Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg? A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit) (Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?)
"
90790,"WIFE: What're you doing in the garage? ME: I made a cloning machine. WIFE: Don't do anything stupid. OTHER ME: Like what?
"
202264,"Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's Day card out of my psychiatrist bills.
"
71832,"Researchers found that students of a teacher who regularly took LSD lived extraordinarily long lives. It seems his pupils die late.
"
123216,"You'd think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
"
7550,"What's the difference between Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger jokes? Heath Ledger jokes can get old....
"
156829,"When I was getting my prostate exam, I asked the Doc where I should put my pants """"Over there, besides mine.""""
"
191969,"Did you hear that scientists recently discovered a new state of matter? Now there are four! Solid, liquid, gas, and black lives.
"
177058,"I just got early access to the new Injustice: Mods among us.
"
110462,"What does a gay horse eat? Haaaaaaaaayyyyy! Sounds better with a stereotypical SOA biker voice. I'll show myself out.
"
167739,"People keep asking me today """"So you have a new boss?"""" No, I'm still with my wife.
"
149364,"i only watch superbowl for the commercials.i am unsure how to spend my surplus income &desperately need suggestions via talking animals
"
20769,"5: """"Why is the moon so bright?"""" Me: """"It's not, it's pretty dim actually."""" Moon: """"I heard that.""""
"
68200,"Why do pop artists hate shoe shopping? They have too many ft. *edit for spelling
"
146512,"Why do Gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers. My FAVORITE clean joke, by far.
"
217975,"'No Panties Tuesday' is a thing, right? Or AKA, I really need to do some laundry.
"
59962,"People always look at me weird when I argue with my food, but what can I say? I cook a mean steak.
"
194111,"What Is The National Bird Of Pakistan.. ***General Atomics MQ-1 Predator***
"
178955,"Your beauty cannot be contained by the set of all real numbers. That's because it's imaginary.
"
200703,"How to win an argument with a woman: 1. Too late, you're already wrong.
"
40873,"Old zombies never die... they just rot away.
"
110585,"What's the difference between a guitar player and a savings bond? Eventually the savings bond will mature and begin to earn money.
"
40010,"I'm convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
"
114697,"My girlfriend treats me like a God. She only calls on me when she needs help with something.
"
75987,"What do you get when you put semen in a bat? Abasement.
"
179702,"What's the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaaah ? About 3 inches
"
16073,"There are three kinds of people in this world... Those that can do Math, and those that can't.
"
90298,"What's yellow and black that makes you laugh? A bus full of niggers going over a cliff.
"
141483,"Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It's not like I'm driving a giant metal instrument of death.
"
62148,"""""I feel like the fat kid in gym class on dodgeball day"""" - The End Piece of Bread
"
223303,"I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
"
210850,"If you're looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I'm pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.
"
73434,"I became friends with a Lovecraftian alien.... It was a Mi-Go.
"
31017,"I give myself an excuse for watching porn. By pretending I'm watching """"How it's made: Babies"""" on youtube.
"
172811,"What do you call a horse that's been all around  the world? A globe-trotter!
"
34795,"People who write hai and bai, wai?
"
202483,"What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison
"
129143,"Tourette's convention rally What do we want?! A CURE FOR TOURETTE!! When do we want it?! CUNT! SHIT! FUCK!
"
85192,"I treat my women like I treat my super cars I enjoy them a lot and they only exist in my dreams
"
218928,"Why did the little girl fall off the swing? She had not arms.
"
110315,"What kind of peanuts get warts? Planters.
"
161513,"It's nice that lions don't mind looking like 80's rock stars.
"
20380,"Why doesn't Ebola harm fruit? Because if it affected an Apple it'd be called I-Bola.
"
202399,"Oliver Twist: """"Please sir, I want some more!?"""" Manger: """"Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?""""
"
71149,"I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
"
118898,"What do canes and blue pills have in common? They're both ready for use when a man is limp.
"
98576,"I was going to make a joke about thailand... But Phuket.
"
185194,"How do blind skydivers know when to pull the cord? ..The leash goes slack
"
24590,"Why didn't the dog play cards on his ocean cruise? Because the captain stood on the deck.
"
14687,"When it comes time to claiming kids on your income tax. Hood rich
"
155294,"The best way to eat Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.
"
157063,"What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
"
39820,"I could make some serious money selling nude pics of myself to bulimics with short fingers.
"
98824,"You can have any movie from Rick Astley's Pixar collection, except for one He's never gonna give you Up. ^^^^^^sorrynotsorry
"
83094,"Whats the point in picking up a bag of pills... ...if you are just going to drop them?
"
8871,"i dont care what anyone says, i dont have a follow up statement i just dont care what anyone says.
"
42651,"The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, its to post the wrong answer.
"
110944,"Drugs are really bad for your mind. All these years I thought I worked in an office, but it turns out I'm actually a centaur.
"
33793,"At some point I really want to manage a Wal-mart in Texas. I want to be a Texas Chain Store Manager.
"
116193,"What do you call a French bathroom with a bomb in it? Linoleum Blownapart
"
215631,"Fellas, imagine having your balls roughly kneaded for two days straight. Congratulations you just experienced menstrual cramps.
"
164393,"My resume is just a list of things I hope you never ask me to do.
"
33649,"I came here to tell a Mexican joke But that could be crossing a line.
"
74508,"I've never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
"
38446,"Why don't tortoises wear scarves? They have turtlenecks
"
100450,"*drops off box to Salvation Army* """"Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?"""" *peels out*
"
653,"Describe yourself in one word Bad at describing myself with one word.
"
74157,"Sex while camping... Is fucking in tents.
"
153125,"What do you say to an unemployed Rastafarian? Jah bless
"
818,"Person who fought in WWII hit with pepper spray... Now he is a seasoned veteran.
"
160437,"To whomever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.
"
145423,"Kanye West is still performing at the Pan Am closing ceremony. Looks like the petition didn't Pan out.
"
117469,"A banana went to see the doctor and was like """"doc I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just not peeling well""""
"
97089,"In an ideal world, a """"Laser Jet"""" would be something to vaporize aliens with and not a fucking type of printer.
"
157520,"So while Lane Kiffin was managing the Alabama offensive... he had Nick Saban's daughter handling the D?
"
201441,"Sorry girls, I'm no Bruno Mars, I won't catch a grenade for you. In fact, if such situation ever happened, I'd use you as a human shield.
"
90709,"My computer just said hello to me It must be a Dell
"
171267,"You won't be hearing from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables.... I gotta lilo.
"
156366,"I got accepted into Harvard's medical program I just have to die first and give them my body
"
153542,"Why is Hel great in bed? Because she can *switch stances* (   )
"
46707,"How many people does it take to post a joke on /r/jokes One
"
223443,"I hope zombies will come from Mexico. After eating their way through fat Americans, they'll be like """"Sorry little Canadians. We're full.""""
"
110255,"Why don't blacks celebrate thanksgiving? It's hard to be thankful when KFC is closed
"
28843,"Mirror inspector Now that's a job I could really see myself doing
"
149495,"What is this special type of waffle called a """"Tennis racket"""" and why does it taste like metal wires?
"
108169,"Why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks? cuz she couldn't find the door handle
"
19885,"What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit? FeDora I'll see myself out.
"
32130,"You guys should see the look on these haters' faces as I scoot through CVS with two Roombas strapped to my feet.
"
202583,"Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?
"
112178,"You'd think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
"
43589,"A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole and she was happy with the thing.
"
106194,"Why don't biology and physics get on? They lack chemistry.
"
215773,"Q: Mrs. Bigger had a baby. Which one was bigger? A: The baby. It was a little Bigger.
"
141861,"Thank god the """"S"""" on my keyboard doesn't work... It means I can apply for jobs and they think I'm just an ex-offender.
"
96319,"What do the mafia and a pussy have in common? One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.
"
103154,"""""Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it"""". Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn't watch CSI.
"
1641,"What's brown and sticky? Anal.
"
173299,"Why do chicken coups have two doors? Because if they had 4 doors they'd be a chicken sedan.
"
169890,"If you're not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever.
"
58204,"What do black guys do after sex? 25 years - life
"
217704,"I have a friend whose status says """"suicidal standing on edge of cliff'.... I poked him.
"
34224,"Some months have 30 days, some months have 31 days. How many have 28 days? All 12
"
86397,"What's an otaku's favorite transition metal? Manga-nese!
"
70613,"What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? ...you can't milk a cow for a decade straight.
"
205721,"Did you hear that the Indian bakery closed? I guess it was a naan-profit business.
"
6034,"My goal for 2017.... ....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013
"
58501,"What do Pokemon Go and Tinder have in common? Both give you a good chance of catching something
"
143480,"In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.
"
85850,"Gay jokes aren't funny Come on guys...
"
20793,"Boy, pet stores don't like it when you ask, """"What is the most delicious animal you sell here?""""
"
223788,"Two elephants are in a bathtub..... One says to the other, """"pass the soap"""". The other elephant promptly responds, """"no soap, radio!""""
"
145407,"What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and your TV is floating? """"Man, wall mounts are awesome.""""
"
67954,"I saw some snails fighting in my driveway... They were really slugging it out.
"
98803,"Why did the iguana get a prescription for viagra? For his reptile dysfunction.
"
60276,"Why are Twilight fans obsessed with it? Because they need a fandom that won't make them feel like trash.
"
190546,"Doctor pulls a thermometer out of his top pocket... """"Some asshole's got my pen""""
"
116181,"[Programming] Stupid Bugs... 99 bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code. Take one down, pass it around, 127 bugs in the code. Credit: Benetha619, who donated $5.00 during SethBling's stream today.
"
167144,"I would rather cuddle then have sex. If your good with grammar you'll get it.
"
172892,"Archeologists in South Africa have just discoved what they think is the oldest tampon ever found They are trying to find out what period it came from
"
64424,"They don't even serve apples at Applebee's. Or bees.
"
125908,"Cowboys are in the playoffs and gas is under $2 Is this the 90's?
"
226068,"What I hated the most in Facebook? . . . . . . . See more
"
169913,"He tells the punchline first. What's the worst thing about a time traveling comedian?
"
197872,"What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas ? Grave-y !
"
192792,"""""My mom was a famous YouTuber."""" """"How embarrassing."""" - the future
"
119471,"Wife [returns home] have you eaten Me: have you eaten Wife: are you copying me?! Me: are you copying me Wife: I Love You Me: I already ate
"
15215,"Have you heard about the new drink, the hurricane Sandy? It's a watered down Manhattan.
"
8646,"Me: Show me a pan that didn't get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak.. Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
"
174868,"I ignore politics because politicians clearly ignore me.
"
54427,"I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
"
215415,"""""Lift those weights, see if I care."""" Said the impersonal trainer.
"
198279,"There's no way smoking meth is as addictive or stressful as watching Breaking Bad.
"
190929,"is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
"
210667,"What do elephants and ice cream have in common? They both come in quarts...
"
99867,"How does a bad comedian sleep at night? I don't know.
"
32309,"You're telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee... They don't put any booze in it or nothin?
"
161375,"What do you call a pig that does karate? *A pork chop.*
"
116941,"""""Siri, do you have free will?"""" """"I am programmed to say 'Yes'.""""
"
149048,"I kneed a knee pun Title says it all: any knee puns to go on a joke t-shirt for someone recovering post-acl surgery? Thanks!
"
154076,"getting my loan approved at the bank by lying on my back and executing a series of flawless air kicks right there in the lobbby
"
210168,"Kid: I want to give grandpa tickets to a Michael Jackson show! Dad: you can't, he's been dead for years now, and so is Michael Jackson.
"
104755,"I like my coffee how I like my women... Not black.
"
221402,"""""If life hands me lemons I'll be an Arnold Palmer."""" - Ice T
"
77949,"What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend? """"Dino what you're thinking.""""
"
108028,"Two animals taking a test were caught copying off each other... When one accuses the other... """"He's the CHEETAH!"""" """"What? You're LION!""""
"
177571,"When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier
"
51503,"I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid. But I can stop anytime.
"
42733,"Hey Verizon, here's an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
"
66782,"I think I'll just leave my turn signal on from age 60 onward.
"
196001,"On my deathbed I'll be so glad I watched tons of tv & didn't travel.
"
96588,"How many psychologist does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb is going to need to change itself.
"
163574,"The good news is, that bag of clothes from 1998 that I still haven't taken to the donation centre...they are back in style now.
"
147669,"My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....I think he meant well.
"
227736,"How Did the Janitor Get Rich? Sweepstakes.
"
32115,"I just told a girl her eyebrows were drawn on too high. She looked surprised.
"
761,"What do you use to cut the ocean? A  seasaw
"
127074,"In Australia, lawsuits are just what lawyers wear to court.
"
136775,"So I hear Reddit likes cats. Anyone ever hear the joke about the cat on the roof? Ehhh never mind. It's over your head.
"
78703,"Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
"
218134,"The host of a party said, """"Make yourself at home,"""" so I got comfortable. Turns out English was his second language and he was ordering me to leave :(
"
167445,"My internet's signal always lose connection Just like my ex wife
"
196626,"The ex hasn't moved out yet. To make her uncomfortable I left a new box of condoms out on the table. She retaliated with a pregnancy kit.
"
16965,"I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
"
10906,"In solidarity with peaceful Muslim communities around the world, I believe America should finally elect it's first Muslim president to a third term.
"
48704,"I can't face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
"
80617,"You know what the best thing is about being a narcissist? Me.
"
63209,"What's going on in Paris is outrageous. You think the french would have surrendered by now.
"
125067,"How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side!
"
210620,"I sure talk a lot of crap for someone who can't spell """"Wednesday"""" without having to say """"Wed-nes-day"""" in my head.
"
183779,"What do you call traffic in The Czech Republic? Praguetory
"
221245,"Good news! I'm not a 30 year old virgin anymore! Happy birthday to me!
"
80456,"Re: global warming and the cold weather """"Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.""""
"
127963,"When I was young I used to be young and stupid. Now I'm just stupid.
"
116619,"A man takes his wife to the disco... https://anchor.fm/w/989B00
"
221587,"Women Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they smell bad
"
82674,"My wife is SO immature... I was upstairs taking a bath, and she walks in, and for NO REASON WHATSOEVER she sunk all my boats.
"
153832,"What's a pirate favorite letter? Rape.
"
210195,"What did the skunk use to contact his girlfriend? His smellular phone!
"
149215,"What do you call a mexican midget? A speck.
"
127253,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Agatha ! Agatha who ? Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin ?
"
176009,"Boomerang I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also, can you tell me how to throw the old one away ?
"
96033,"I bought some shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin all day
"
125343,"Why do japanese have small eye slits? because nuclear explosions are so fucking bright. (i'm going to hell for this)
"
166899,"Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
"
71378,"Teen: Your outfit is on fleek! Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek. Teen: (smiles) Thank you! Me: God damn it.
"
201674,"Gay jokes are not funny Cum on guys
"
1142,"Leia: This is romantic Han: I know Chewie: Rwwar Leia: Does he have to be here? Han: It's a life debt. You're basically marrying us both
"
203876,"Tired? There's a nap for that
"
27246,"Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
"
85630,"[ANTI-JOKE]So a man walks into a bar. So a man walks into a bar and.....his drinking habits are tearing his family apart.
"
23380,"A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office. No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
"
106455,"Apparently, I snore really loudly... ...loud enough to terrify everyone in the car I'm driving!
"
49041,"""""What an ugly baby,"""" I said, much more audibly than intended.
"
79548,"COP: Damn I left my regular handcuffs at home, all I have is these candy handcuffs. I trust that u won't eat ur way out of these CROOK: Sure
"
51422,"I just bought the best vacuum ever It sucks
"
183393,"Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla? He didn't want to taco 'bout it
"
220373,"What did the black man say to the Mexican? Hey. Watermelawn.
"
175918,"[GOP Debate] MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat? CRUZ: what? MODERATOR: I knew it!
"
163183,"I used to steal Mitch Hedberg jokes and try to pass them off as my own. I still do, but I used to too.
"
74340,"Shakespeare was a good sport... He ended all his sonnets with gg.
"
73009,"Two cats cross a river... first cats name is un deux trois. The second cats name is one two three. Which cat made it across? The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.
"
84461,"oh my love, where are you, i am searching for you here and there, but never find you anywhere, just because of you heart is ringing the bell, just like a school bell.
"
142996,"This specimen cup tastes like Coors Light.
"
144726,"Have you heard about the new Web MD zodiac? All the signs say Cancer.
"
40068,"How do you fit 20 Cubans in a shoebox? Tell them it floats!
"
59837,"1 out of 5 dentists is illiterate, and could not complete the survey.
"
52289,"Nothing is creepier than driving next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed.
"
200494,"What do you call a black mage? A Negro-mancer
"
82805,"How many contradictory Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nein.
"
122736,"Q. Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? A. The Ultrasound Guy http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sound&defid=491809
"
68515,"Best Fortune cookie ever: """"Person expecting sound advice from stale cookie probably make good dishwasher. Ask manager for application.""""
"
89014,"What brand of butter do frogs eat? Country Croak.
"
115601,"My sister asked her husband to help wrap (presents) So he said """"then throw down a beat""""
"
188338,"[cemetery] *priest says a final prayer* *harambe's casket is lowered into the ground* *toddler falls in*
"
34151,"Vegans don't beat their meat They beat their celery stick.
"
105024,"I got gas for $1.08 today... ...too bad it was from Taco Bell.
"
90352,"What do you call it when a neurologist is found embezzling and he later runs away? A Fraudian slip.
"
1355,"I don't have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
"
185813,"If I can't find any cheese this sandwich will be toast!
"
21107,"You know what's a job I could really see myself doing? Mirror inspector.
"
227847,"What did the Elk say after leaving a gay bar? I cannot believe I just blew 50 bucks back there!
"
221294,"What did the Vegetarian say when he wanted to eat meat? """"Going vegetarian was a missteak""""
"
197131,"What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage. sorry.
"
159793,"I wanted to ride my bike, But it was two tired.
"
140195,"The opposite of aging gracefully is aging nancygracefully, where you literally morph into a horrible human being.
"
106192,"I cannot wait for my date tonight. Dates really are the best part of ramadan
"
159700,"Are they REALLY going to let GAYS play sports?!? What's next? EQUALITY? WOMEN VOTERS? WILL THIS EVER END? #romney2012
"
221842,"I am writing a book about the history of camping. It's all in past tents.
"
206762,"A woman said to her husband: """"Tie me and I'll let do what you want"""" Then, he tied her and slept with the maid
"
113753,"You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose... But you can't pick your friend's nose
"
24105,"I've been told that red wine compliments a steak. But so far my glass hasn't said anything nice at all.
"
84174,"How do you find a blind man on a nudist beach? It's not hard...
"
168215,"The first thing I'm doing with my time machine is telling my past self to only microwave popcorn for 2 minutes max.
"
187044,"Me: He's starting to stir! Wife: Shhhh. Me: OH MY GOD... Wife: Be quiet. Me: HE'S GOT A KNIFE! Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
"
192809,"Why do women wear make up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink
"
187568,"What did one Redditor say to another? [removed]
"
44885,"I hope my wife and children never learn the things that I have done for a Klondike Bar.
"
58527,"I used to be schizophrenic but I'm OK now. No I'm not.
"
28643,"Bumped into a friend of mine the other day. He was wearing camouflage.
"
128527,"What weighs 4 tons and is bright red ? An elephant holding its breath !
"
86772,"How do you kill a hipster? By drowning him in the mainstream
"
195893,"Mom I'm running away! No I don't need a jacket! Mom no I'm fine I don't need a jac- mom! No I don't need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
"
113499,"What is the difference between humor and odor? Humor is a shift of wit, while odor is a whiff of.. Shit.
"
62322,"*eats way too much delicious space pudding* Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What'd you call this again? Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
"
59890,"The blue man lives in the blue house, the yellow man lives in the yellow house, the purple man lives in the purple house. Who lives in the White House? The orange man.
"
126258,"One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, """"Please send me a sister."""" Santa Clause wrote him back, """"Ok, send me your mother.""""
"
92204,"Whats the question to the answer """"it's a cockrobin"""" What's that up my ass Batman?
"
198534,"The first time I got up close and personal with a girl was round the back by the school bins. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't looked into that rubbish bag.
"
39891,"As hillbillies age, they're called hillwilliams.
"
136521,"I bought a girl a drink at the bar. It hurt to see her give it to her boyfriend. But it was hilarious to see him drink the roofie.
"
39404,"Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
"
221371,"What did Obama say to his depressed painter? It's going to be all white.
"
212766,"LPT: Always bring a deck of cards with you when you go hiking Joke: If you get lost, play some Solitaire. Soon enough someone will be around to tell you how to play your own damn cards!
"
187017,"I like my coffee like I like my minorities... ... I don't.
"
196064,"My manager at the millinery has a really short temper I mean he gets really angry at the drop of a hat!
"
143712,"How do dinosaurs smell? Ex-stinky
"
229910,"Camper: There's a leak over my bunk! Counselor: Don't complain. It only leaks when it rains.
"
44816,"Never hide regular cocaine in your butt Charges will get elevated to possession of crack cocaine
"
169558,"*rings doorbell* hmm... not sure if it rang *waits 2 hours before ringing again so I don't seem impatient*
"
197370,"Through voting, users determine what posts rise to the top of community pages and, by extension, the public home page of the site ...until the mods wake up.
"
157955,"Why did the duck leave his flock? Because he wanted to be a-loone.
"
15136,"I like my women like quality agronomy soil... ..good penetration to 8"""", bare surface, and minimal crust.
"
114835,"how do you get a 78 year old lady to scream f**k?! get another 78 year old lady to yell BINGO! waka waka!
"
184372,"Birdhood A single shot film with no cuts and a running time of 12 years.
"
134032,"Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt? A: The bucket.
"
120460,"You know, this conspiracy with the Patriots has left me deflated.
"
132573,"Who is the hardest person to find in hide and seek? Daniel Morcombe
"
132407,"Text """"BONER"""" to 69696 to donate $69 dollars to the Rad Cross
"
93706,"Why did the Buddhist monk refuse Novocain? Because he wanted to transcend dental medication.
"
152601,"How do you make any woman wet? Liquor
"
100515,"What is the difference between a Japanese person and a cannibal? One eats Ramen and the other eats raw men.
"
86276,"And the Lord said to Peter 'Come forth and receive eternal life' Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
"
181129,"I figured out why republicans are all over the place this election cycle. If you walk without rythm, it won't attract the Bern... I'll see myself out.
"
211523,"Where does a pencil sharpener keep its money? In a shavings account.
"
38409,"Do you have to be from Vietnam to open up a restaurant called """"Viet Noms?"""" I'm asking for a friend
"
10076,"Anyone ever notice how the word """"opinion"""" looks like """"onion"""", and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
"
121013,"5 out of 1 dentists agree, they have multiple-personality disorder
"
118425,"The reason why Scientology can't be a religion? There are no 1,000,000 people that died because of Scientology.
"
57700,"The joke that made me subscribe to this subreddit: I love being bipolar. It sucks.
"
124428,"The only reason I've been going out with  this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
"
47871,"I couldn't imagine my parents having sex So last night I hid in their closet and watched
"
71927,"I know five people who are clinically insane... I'm two of them.
"
45931,"*stands up in the middle of a quiet library* FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
"
89944,"Hey dad, the hospital called, patients are trying to rest, could you please turn down your television.
"
10260,"Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
"
104312,"what is the difference between a crook and a politician? A crook will steal before he runs, a politician runs before he steals
"
131672,"My favorite alcoholic drink is probably sleep.
"
5121,"Did you hear how the crazy camping show was last weekend? It was in tents.
"
145071,"what i don't understand is that a pope can choose his own name but there's never been a Pope Batman
"
79126,"I was gonna say a joke about the disabled, but... it was lame.
"
194875,"I'm afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
"
112614,"If you give a developer a cookie... they'll tell you why it's really better to use local storage.
"
7812,"What do you call a promiscuous woman who travels a lot? Abroad.
"
224081,"They said I'd miss my family I never miss at close range.
"
29033,"A Mexican athlete finally got a medal at the Olympics. The police are still searching for him.
"
194501,"I think I've figured out Dr Who's first name Guess
"
112668,"I only drink twice a year When it's my birthday, and when it's not
"
207690,"Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life? They were on the Earth before it was cool.
"
215561,"I'm beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
"
74934,"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his cheeks Both of them
"
71079,"What do the Brits say when there's actually blood on something?
"
53357,"What part of the house does a ghost not use? The living room
"
228431,"Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead. [at hospital] Doctor: I'm afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He's deed.
"
174172,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Andrew ! Andrew who ? Andrew all her money out of the bank !
"
43698,"How do you have a sexy barbecue? You grill the sausage.
"
84965,"Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life...!
"
52510,"An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
"
183398,"I want to become a politician when I grow up  so I've made a list of skills I want to aquire but I've only come up with one: Lying.
"
145989,"I used to have sex daily... Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia... Edit: Holy donkey balls this blew up during my daily 8 hour nap. Thanks everyone for making my New Years..
"
201571,"Every day I swallow a piece of gum in the hopes that one day I will fart a bubble large enough to fly me around the world
"
95369,"So I had to put German food in a container one time... It was a real wurst case scenario
"
30994,"Yoda, are we on the right course? Off course, we are.
"
196469,"My wife said to me she wanted to go somewhere fancy.... """"somewhere where they serve from the left!"""" she demanded, so I took her through the drive-thu.
"
152007,"A roman guy enters a bar, raises two fingers... And say to the bartender: five beers, please!
"
215118,"Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon? It has great food, but it has no atmosphere.
"
29764,"If you are thinking of having an affair, just remember the head of the CIA couldn't even get away
"
173426,"Funny tounge twister A black mailman getting blackmailed. (Not trying to offend its just a funny sounding word combo.)
"
5966,"Egg puns... ...are cracking!
"
62009,"Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
"
208004,"Leg Chat: What did the left leg say to the right leg? Q: What did the left leg say to the right leg? A: """"That one in the middle thinks he's hard.""""
"
117909,"Paris Hilton's IMDB page should only be accessible on April 1st.
"
70943,"Only three things are infinite The universe, human stupidity, and the winrar trial period.
"
162449,"I could understand Eve's choice to doom all of humanity if she'd been offered nachos. But an apple? My ovaries are not amused.
"
38900,"Pulled this one on my son today. Son: Dad, today is palm Sunday. Me (Dad): Gimme some palm. *receives high five* Son: *not entertained*
"
70079,"My wife gave birth to twin boys the other day. And I've decided to name them Jerry and Forgery.
"
173110,"Difference's Between two Jesus's What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and actual Jesus? It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.
"
4446,"Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real
"
137313,"Why did Princess Diana cross the road? She wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
"
67686,"Child actors cry so realistically because their parents have given them a bottomless well of sadness to draw from. And... ACTION!
"
9935,"Detroit is the first city to make community college free! There are no community colleges in Detroit.
"
227814,"Why Do Giraffes Have Such Long Necks? So they can reach their head!
"
49426,"My favorite part about ordering a salad on the first date is going into the bathroom and eating 6 mini donuts.
"
112322,"YikYak Trivia Crack give the dog a bone... How could I ever shit without my phone?
"
31043,"I asked God whether or not to open a brothel He replied """"build it and they will come"""".
"
185438,"How do you stop an F4 tornado from destroying a town? A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris! However, this method will cause more destruction than the tornado.
"
152973,"A G N B That's bang out of order.
"
32816,"Why don't blind people go skydiving? It scares the crap out of their dogs!
"
100367,"Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn't do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
"
189079,"What happens when you turn on a computer? You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk
"
57026,"Who is Ed McMahon's favorite Japanese Filmmaker? Hiyooooo Miyazaki.
"
128269,"The last time I stayed in a hotel I asked for a wake up call. So the next morning the front desk called me and asked """"What are you doing with your life?"""" """"I'm up.""""
"
205557,"As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
"
204796,"What i if told you... You the read first line wrong... And the second... Yeah Downvote me because feel you stupid.
"
50179,"Why did the scientist get punched in the restaurant? He ordered some NaCl.
"
16042,"The only thing that bakes at room temperature. Stoners.
"
18522,"Whats green and goes round and round at 100 miles an hour ? A frog in a blender !
"
65631,"Which Asians have the softest skin? Laotians
"
33361,"Women are like tornadoes... They moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
"
192724,"Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
"
225227,"What insect lives on nothing ? A moth because it eats holes
"
2755,"Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they're absolutely right because smart men don't get married.
"
12042,"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? ..because it was dead
"
22432,"""""Try it, it's so good!"""" """"Come on, man. Just a taste."""" """"I'm having some. Mmmm."""" """"Trust me."""" Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
"
165767,"95% of people masturbate while showering, the rest sings one specific song, which one?... No idea? Then I know what group you belong to ;)
"
53918,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 kept blowing up and starting on fire
"
21273,"What has seven arms and can't spell? Def Leppard
"
153106,"Never trust an atom. Actually, it's probably fine. They only make up about 4% of everything.
"
67592,"What is the difference between Emo teenagers and your lawn? Your lawn won't cut itself.
"
105976,"If my pizza delivery guy isn't blasting Lionel Richie's """"Hello"""" from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
"
35213,"I'm gonna rock and roll til 9pm and only party on weekends
"
192622,"I used to work at a french fry stand I was way over quali**fried**
"
159383,"What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator!
"
6952,"Came up with this joke this morning in the shower. I took a tour of a prison for poets, at the end the warden asked what I thought of it. I said it has its prose and cons.
"
86939,"[meeting the parents] Do you have one in blonde?
"
102302,"The definition of Rodeo Sex - When you accidentally call your partner by the wrong first name..... Then try and stay on for 8 seconds.
"
158111,"Wanted to make a voldemort joke but this whole subreddit nose it
"
18158,"What do you call someone with no body and just a nose ? Nobody knows
"
132289,"I turned down a free meal at the steak house yesterday. It was a missed steak.
"
168066,"VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you've only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
"
186161,"People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
"
6918,"I don't understand Fox and Friends. No one on the show is named Fox. Are they friends with a TV channel?
"
165447,"My grandpa says he hates gay men I think he's just bitter about his last boyfriend
"
38231,"I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
"
42480,"A tee-shirt idea For tourists in Virginia: """"Congratulations on losing your Virginia-ty""""
"
147858,"Why was the dog so depressed? He was having a hard time looking up.
"
94705,"You know which singer really cut the mustard? Celine Dijon
"
206477,"""""Seed Faith"""" Televangelists
"
74507,"Why did Adolph Hitler become embarrassed in a Jewish synagogue? He had bad gas.
"
108842,"Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists.
"
44043,"Whenever I go home from work... Have to make sure to leave an hour to sober up!
"
119147,"What do you call an adopted ghost? Transparent
"
37946,"Just seen a fish swim into a wall of concrete Dam
"
84799,"Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up? They were just never on the same page...
"
4281,"A man walks into a bar... Because he forgot he was in Jail
"
163279,"Apple scraps a new product... I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented IPod after realizing that """"ITouch Kids"""" is not a good product name.
"
37940,"How does Mulan's boyfriend explain himself when she caught him smoking pot? Shanghai
"
19334,"Veggietales is making a version of 50 Shades of Grey... It's called """"The Artichoke Hearts"""".
"
93398,"When life hands you melons... you're dyslexic.
"
58171,"I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
"
47487,"There's a French guy with tourettes syndrome who keeps yelling goodbye at random people. There's much adieu about nothing.
"
7772,"I know my wife is cheating with my best friend Her pussy tastes like his dick.
"
116626,"*leads a conga line off of a bridge
"
90845,"Damn girl are you Lassie? Because you're acting like a bitch.
"
67217,"Thanks for being the shoulder to put my head on.. Though being a conjoined twin does have its cons.
"
223536,"I just got a text from a woman I know that said only """"we z"""". Did she just ask me to sleep with her in three letters? Nicely done!
"
184829,"You're in your 20's... you don't have """"haters""""... you have """"adults"""" that think you are """"annoying""""
"
127936,"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? Toucan
"
10839,"My bank is really proud of me. They keep calling to tell me I have an outstanding balance.
"
28946,"People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I'm doing
"
68544,"What mathematical operation is used to calculate the rate at which lumberjacks cut wood? Logger-rhythms.
"
11635,"Why did the hipster burn his tongue on his cup of free-trade coffee? Because he started drinking it before it was cool.
"
136966,"You won't believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just...stopped. Scary, huh?
"
39640,"You guys heard of the movie """"Constipated""""? Me neither... I guess it's never coming out.
"
128450,"Three is fore for four. And aft to two too.
"
83162,"Have you seen the news about the Seamus Costello Celebrity sex tape? It's all about the star he ploughs.
"
156614,"I had some extra money laying around I was going to invest in quick sand... ...but the deal fell through.
"
185272,"They're demanding figgy pudding. They won't go until they get some. What do I do? Call the cops? I'm calling the cops.
"
138224,"Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotamus.. Or just a really cool-opotamus?
"
56037,"Did you hear about the escaped gang of Jamaican stabbers? Poky mon. Gotta catch em all.
"
105435,"I may not be able to use by the """"N"""" word... But at least I can say things like """"Hey Dad"""", and """"Thanks for the warning Officer!"""".
"
120764,"What starts with """"f"""" and ends with """"uck"""" Fire truck!
"
54066,"Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff? Because he wants tequila. Literally.
"
188357,"What does Garry Newman want to be when he grows up? Garry Oldman.
"
194264,"What's Avagodro's favorite type of dip? GuacaMOLE
"
6207,"Why isnt Hitler invited to any BBQs? Cuhs he burns all the franks! Friend told me this, so im sorry if this has already been posted.
"
14530,"Nobody uses DVDs. Most of em' use Torrents. Hence DVD Rip
"
36846,"Funny unknown historical fact: Pharoahs were burried with their hands crossed their chest because it was a historical belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
"
66436,"""""Hey girl, you ever dated a monk before?"""" """"no? well how would you like to get into the habit?""""
"
224515,"I farted in my wallet. Now i have gas money
"
90403,"Son asked me what an 'erection' was & somehow I referenced Pinocchio. So I either cured him of lying or launched his career as a politician.
"
110982,"Did you hear about Klu Klux Knievel's latest stunt? He tried to jump a steam roller over 6 blacks
"
62076,"Why do gay men have good fashion sense? Because of all the time they spent in the closet
"
92417,"So this dentist in my area was arrested for being a drug dealer on the side, selling meth, heroine, etc. I for one am shocked! I didn't know he was a dentist!
"
107903,"Just bought my gay son some Brunchables
"
90038,"Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that.
"
11487,"Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
"
100312,"The wife and I were trying to spice things up in the bedroom... so now I cumin her every thyme.
"
169705,"Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There are no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
"
39647,"ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what NURSE: Sir it's a blood draw please stop saying that
"
95778,"A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, """"Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"""" The other man responds, """"You are on the other side of the river.""""
"
114960,"Opinions are like butts *gently rubs your opinion*
"
173373,"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.
"
26754,"What does anal sex and broccoli have in common? If you're forced to try it as a kid.. you probably wont like it as an adult.
"
116279,"What do Hitler and Oprah have in common? Neither could finish a race
"
38433,"Did you hear about the guy in the Islamic State who was caught smoking weed? He was stoned.
"
136055,"Windows - the only operating system that is compatible with all viruses.
"
85968,"Ellen Pao reminds me of this guy I know... His name is OP
"
165243,"At the end of the day, it's 11:59pm.
"
138768,"The thing about good music is.. ...its technically sound.
"
149463,"You know what sucks about Karaoke? Coworkers don't appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
"
63872,"What is the origin of black jewish people? The oven.
"
211341,"How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? Should it really be a lightbulb?
"
155892,"I bet Jane didn't know Tarzan swings both ways.
"
20428,"I got lost in a closet as a child... When I came out, my parents, although supportive, really weren't that happy.
"
170938,"Girl: Why should I shave my downstairs? Guy: Because I don't like hair in my food.
"
43125,"It's 6 am and I've already referred to a patient as """"the one with the tig ol biddies""""...wonder what time HR gets here
"
81773,"Never trust an atom They make up *everything*
"
204556,"Nana's house is getting real bad, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting another dead cat.
"
37150,"[Biker gang] ME: Do we or do we not ride our bikes at the same speed? BIKER: OK, but you need to stop saying we """"synchronize our cycles.""""
"
19397,"Behind every successful man is a woman. This game of hide and seek has been going on for too long...
"
84326,"Intentionally or not, gays are the only people fighting overpopulation and it's time for everyone else to join the fight. But first...
"
207061,"What are some towing related jokes i can impress my car club coworkers with? I've already got that the frog called our car club to get toad, but that's about where my puns end.
"
162310,"how many indians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Sikhs
"
93459,"Sometimes you feel like you've grown. Other times you pout for a few hours because your wife accidentally threw away your Tabasco sauce.
"
142320,"i hate when... ...when people ask me where i see myself in 5 years. come on guys, i don't have 2020 vision.
"
78079,"Growing up is watching your parents morph from superheroes to ordinary people just trying to figure stuff out.
"
158658,"How to get a guys attention: 1. Take off your shirt 2. Be a TV
"
93531,"I spent ages trying to cross a busy road. Some passer-by said, """"There's a zebra crossing fifty yards up the road."""" I thought, """"I hope he's having better luck than me.""""
"
136492,"What is Polish roulette? It's similar to Russian roulette, but instead of a revolver it's played with an automatic pistol.
"
191713,"I'm broke but not """"vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it"""" broke. *more than twice.
"
122587,"Time for a limerick... On the first date with her new man, Keith Young Pamela let out a queef. He tried to ignore That she's surely a whore But at least her bjs had no teeth!
"
183763,"If this cat doesn't stop trying to lick my plate, we're having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
"
202934,"Pity Teacher writes down the word 'pity' on the blackboard. Suddenly, I think to myself """"Oh, it's what comes after forty-nine...""""
"
174779,"Fact: A childless person coined the phrase """"Sleep like a baby.""""
"
60432,"Why did the gay man sue the mental hospital? They held him in a straightjacket.
"
51727,"REPORTER: *asks question* POLITICIAN: that's a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
"
6922,"How does a barber avoid getting hair in his food? By giving her a Brazilian wax first!
"
150424,"Pumpkin Cider? I hardly know her!
"
164080,"nudist camp for intellectuals 2 people at a nudist camp for intellectuals, one says to the other """"have you read Marx?"""" The 2nd say """"yes, because of these wicker chairs""""
"
21185,"A little boy came running into the kitchen. """"Dad dad"""" he said """"there's a monster at the door with a really ugly face."""" """"Tell him you've already got one"""" said his father.
"
182141,"What do you call a class for dumb gingers? Speckle-ed.
"
17445,"This orgy would be a lot more fun if the people would loosen up and quit calling it an """"elevator"""".
"
151080,"Harambe jokes... Can we kill them too?
"
90140,"I like my women like my shoes... Black, size thirteen and I pick them up at Walmart.
"
71641,"1. Ice *check* 2. Ice *check* 3. Baby *calls 911* - Freezer Inspector -
"
14890,"DEAD BABY JOKES! I will get it started! Why is a pile of dead babies easier to move than a pile of bowling balls. - You cant use a pitchfork to move a pile of bowling balls.
"
207786,"I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you're wondering it's 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
"
149681,"A man walked into a cafe in Mexico... """"Hello!"""" he says to a squeamish waiter. """"Do you have any Mexican Jews?"""" """"Hmm... let me check in the back"""" the waiter replied. That's when the condom broke.
"
40252,"Why does Irish bean soup have exactly 239 beans in it? (Irish accent) Because one more and it would be too farty.
"
130237,"What's green and eats nuts... Syphilis.
"
183161,"I like my Friday nights like I like my jeans high-wasted.
"
109899,"A rainy Friday is still better than a sunny Monday...
"
161814,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Anka ! Anka who ? Anka the ship !
"
154772,"How does a psychic cokehead tell the future? With a magic 8-ball
"
68179,"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer.
"
230958,"Dentist: """"You don't need to open your mouth any wider. When I pull your tooth I expect to stand outside.""""
"
38235,"Q: What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in the water? A: Bob
"
150039,"The prize for coming in the top-3 of the children's race was an evil clown. Sadly I came 4th. I would have got away with It if it wasn't for those medalling kids.
"
7158,"Monica Lewinsky turns 39!! They grow up so fast...seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees puting everything in her mouth!!!
"
148130,"You open a massage studio called Human Traffic Fuck Palace and some people will just assume the worst.
"
206199,"American A man from Israel got his citizenship, I guess you could say he Israeli American now
"
126236,"A Fat Lady was in a Bikini.
"
109572,"Rap is 75% crap
"
53316,"Waiter there's a fly in my soup! No sir that's a cockroach the fly is on your steak.
"
101850,"What evil do the USA and Darth Vader have in common? Using imperial units.
"
33953,"BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying """"present company excluded of course"""" after highly offensive statement
"
141379,"Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
"
207128,"No matter how long I wait to pretend I just noticed the other person walking toward me in a long corridor, I always nod too soon.
"
131838,"Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can't ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
"
136141,"Sigh. Woodstock '99 was a terrible use of this Time Machine.
"
166837,"Pizza Hut Employee: I'm sorry but we don't deliver bog grass. I'm not even sure what that is. Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
"
1510,"What does one tampon say to the other? Nothing, they're both stuck up bitches
"
129138,"I have no idea who invented ballet dancing but I'm willing to bet good money it was a guy trying to sneak back into bed after coming home pissed from a bar
"
176866,"What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in? A roundhouse.
"
86536,"Meteorologists have recently reconfigured the 5 categories of hurricane. Number 5 will blow you away.
"
99487,"Yo mama's so stupid that she burned down the house with a CD burner.
"
22030,"Whats a yoga instructors favourite kind of coffee? Pilatte
"
26453,"Why did the storm trooper get an iPhone? He couldn't find the Droid he was looking for
"
81120,"What do you do if a bird shits on your windscreen? Don't ask her out again.
"
32518,"Testing /u/trollabot no comments
"
141834,"What do you call a black man flying a plane? A pilot, you racist fuck!
"
30,"Mom: """"Do you want this?"""" Me: """"No."""" Mom: """"Ok I'll give it to your brother."""" Me: """"No I want it.""""
"
92234,"Every frozen yogurt store feels like you're hanging out inside a Japanese girl's backpack.
"
389,"Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn't make pants.
"
131291,"We shouldn't send our trash into space, that's how you get space raccoons
"
174806,"Which rock band has 4 people but doesn't make music? Mount Rushmore
"
40047,"What do you get when you mix a communist and a capitalist? Bernie sanders
"
137181,"Once I had a dog... Once I had a dog name Marlboro who didn't have any legs. Sometimes I'd take him out and we'd go for a drag
"
146344,"Why are wedding dresses white? So the dishwasher matches the stove.
"
96295,"IRS Agent: What's all this? Bracken:  Well you told me to bring all my records with me and I did.  Here's some by Willie Nelson Tammy Wynette and Garth Brooks . .  .
"
207599,"Carpet Fitting by Walter Wall
"
60966,"What did the german child get for Christmas A mini bake oven
"
147409,"My grandpa told me my generation relied too much on technology I told him """"no, your generation relies too much on technology"""" Then I unplugged his life support
"
43305,"Dreading the day that all my present and past roommates figure out that I haven't bought my own body wash in 10 years.
"
191872,"Ants can lift something 50 times their body weight. Wow. That means you can lift a leaf. Cool. I could do that when I was 14. Tiny idiots.
"
222143,"Why don't NFL players wear glasses? Because it's a contact sport.
"
229476,"[NSFW] How do you mount your virtual girlfriend? With a hard drive bae.
"
212791,"Your momma is so fat, we are all concerned for her health.
"
77325,"I like my games like I like my women cheap and used
"
3325,"I went to www.match.com Better luck on www.ancestry.com
"
139302,"Why did the chicken go around the world? Because his name was Marco Pollo..
"
63282,"Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
"
99167,"Nitrogen Monoxide Having Nitrogen Monoxide as parents would really suck. Every time you ask them for something, they'd just be like, """"NO"""".
"
28381,"How do you recycle a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it
"
73239,"You can tell a lot about a man by the way he calls off the wedding and starts dating your brother.
"
203399,"Why is 17 called the """"mother-in-law"""" in black jack? Because you wanna hit it, but sometimes you cant.
"
154628,"What does a Jewish pedophile say? L'Hymen!
"
13874,"What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokin-off!
"
141878,"Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
"
42346,"A woman in labour is screaming at her husband. He says """"Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to put it in your ass."""" """"But Nooo, u thought THAT MIGHT HURT!""""
"
131601,"My other calendar is a packet of birth control pills.
"
15041,"I once knew a guy named Rob. I once new a guy named Rob, for a dollar he would suck on your knob. For a half dollar more, you could get the whole score And he would eat it like it was his job
"
106337,"The Awkward Moment When Your Dog has Girlfriend and you still Single
"
196175,"She said she'd keep an eye out for me I don't know why. I don't even like skullfucking.
"
212140,"I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today..... That bitch was seeing somebody else.
"
154194,"What's the difference between the grocery store and a math book? In a math book I can buy 57 papayas at $1.99 each and no one will care.
"
30373,"My girlfriend always keep her boobs pressed against my face when she asks me for expensive things.She calls it the """"Booby trap""""
"
202853,"Bloody FedEx... I've been waiting all day for my punchline
"
170685,"I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way. I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
"
138748,"I went fishing but didn't catch any fish It was a failure.
"
124203,"Is there as much intelligence disparity in other animals as humans? Does any cow make other cows go, """"That's the dumbest cow I've ever met""""?
"
223294,"My wife's cock crazy... Two licks then she goes nuts.
"
208733,"Two Latino men grab a basketball. It was Juan on Juan
"
114806,"Beggin'Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a cooch across an airport; I'm sure they know NOT bacon
"
173227,"Church: Follow Jesus. Me: Does he follow back? Church: .. Me: .. Church: .. Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
"
153468,"Yo mama so fat... You have to yell OMNIKIN before you kick her.
"
183027,"What kind of bus can cross the ocean? A Columbus.
"
78438,"What's the difference between a jazz guitarist and a rock guitarist? A rock guitarist plays 10 chords for 50,000 people, and a jazz guitarist plays 50,000 chords for 10 people.
"
101960,"Have you ever gotten shampoo in your mouth while singing in the shower? Turns into a real Soap Opera.
"
152869,"Wife wants to relax today! Wife: Today, I want to relax, so I have brought three movie tickets. Husband: why three tickets? Wife: you and your parents.
"
213447,"If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.
"
226110,"How can you tell if your dog is gay? If he's sucking another dogs dick in the back of a gay dog night club.
"
217277,"This nation really has gotten lazy, what with buying pre-shredded cheese and all. I think it's time to make America grate again.
"
230589,"Statistics. Studies show that almost 213% of statistics are inaccurate.
"
124525,"went to a temporary tatoo parlor it wouldn't wash off so I went back to complain but the shop was gone.
"
69822,"What did the cow say when she jumped off a cliff? """"Geronimoo!""""
"
192637,"What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everyone A bitch sleeps with everyone, except you
"
152030,"What kind of hotdog did the Buddha order from the street vendor? One with everything
"
128753,"Did you hear about the incompetent circumciser? He slipped and got the sack.
"
51484,"Everything's made in China except babies... ...those are made in vachina.
"
29038,"A guy walks into a bar... """"Ouch""""
"
79766,"How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
"
33035,"Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home...
"
104848,"Yesterday, I got a fortune cookie that said: """"Help! I'm stuck in a cookie factory!!!""""
"
36355,"Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
"
223639,"""""What's your name?"""" """"Dave Fucking Smith"""" """"Do you have Tourette's, Dave?"""" """"No, but the vicar at my christening did.""""
"
154463,"You never know how many people are out jogging early in the morning till you back out of your driveway with frost covered windows.
"
19274,"I'm teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there's no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
"
110318,"You may like to add a tag to your YouTube video. That tag? Albert Einstein.
"
17059,"Every time someone calls me fat I get so depress I cut myself... a piece of cake.
"
34812,"There were two muffins in an oven... One muffin said to the other, """"Boy, it's sure hot in here!"""" The other muffin screamed """"AHHHH!!! A talking muffin!!!!!!!""""
"
154088,"What do you suppose broke this window Mr. Holmes? It's a limb entry, my dear Watson!
"
207625,"I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
"
83647,"I tell people I'm narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they're talking to me I don't seem rude.
"
230863,"Went to see the new """" pixels """" movie but The resolution was bad
"
57788,"There are over 1 million battered women in the US. And I've been eating mine plain!
"
25918,"A foot fetish porn called """"I think we got off on the wrong foot""""
"
159808,"Leather armor is best for sneaking Because it's literally made of hide.
"
175335,"What did the Asian guy say when he was caught sleeping with another man's wife? Me love you wrong time.
"
18240,"[first day as diving instructor] Guy [from the back]: what's the signal for a shark Me: sharks don't really give signals they just show up
"
195360,"I love kids. When they're adults.
"
198771,"Why did the man call his horse Fleabag? Because he was often scratched!
"
189672,"Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
"
166990,"What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant.
"
212167,"What happened when the cannibal was late to the dinner party? He got the cold shoulder.
"
212419,"Why can't Democrats sell pants? They believe in a single-pair system.
"
22183,"The best joke of all... ...is the number of this sub's subscribers
"
72516,"If I had a dollar for everytime I unnecessarily sexualize a sentence, I'd have 69 dollars.
"
66278,"79 million people are without access to drinkable water Though on the bright side, the number is decreasing!
"
158896,"Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is? Bat 2: (startled) who said that
"
107443,"Clyde: I'm looking 4 a partner. What's ur name? """"Bonnie"""" C: That ur real name? """"Nope. Jekyll Elizabeth Parker"""" C: ...Bonnie it is
"
59778,"What do you call a parrot that flew away? A polygon!
"
130120,"What's the cheapest type of meat? Deer Balls. They're under a buck.
"
29122,"What did Australian Jesus say after the Last Supper? Check, mate.
"
188716,"What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.
"
13756,"My dog has figured out I'm Chinese. He totally tried to make a run for it. Silly dog, I'm not going to eat you until I train a replacement.
"
120443,"How did the tiny frozen dinner meet the little kid's belly? microwave
"
131208,"Chameleon wife: """"Does my bum look big in this dress?"""" Chameleon husband: """"What dress? Where are you?""""
"
70643,"Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It's a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
"
50730,"The doctor says I cut my sentences short.
"
227934,"There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.
"
212433,"Why couldn't the guy with insomnia have an affair with anyone's wife? Because he couldn't sleep with anyone.
"
213543,"Here's a nice Jewish joke my Dad told me A Jewish kid asks his father for 20$. The father responds, """"10$, what on earth do you need 5$ for, I'd be happy with 1$, here's a quarter.""""
"
206386,"Science brought us to the moon.. while religion only brought us to some skyscrapers.
"
117217,"Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation. Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven't fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
"
42956,"In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma - but never let him be the period.
"
151311,"I was fired from Ford today I kept losing focus
"
215086,"When your momma taught you to look both ways she didn't mean be two faced.
"
198671,"What do you call a cowshed in Arabic? A Mubarak
"
80874,"I don't like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
"
38815,"What should you do when life gives you melons? Get tested for dyslexia.
"
110258,"Trust me, I'm a liar. Lawyer, I meant lawyer.
"
127131,"My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
"
196205,"They call me the weather man Because I say 8 inches, when I meant 2.
"
162493,"What do you call the medic in a K9 unit? A dogtor.
"
188814,"What do you call a robot doing the Gangnam Style dance? A Psy-borg.
"
230879,"Why I don't like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
"
132661,"Why did the 2 stem cell researchers get a divorce? Because they grew a part.
"
78658,"Why can't you find pirates in Kansas? They all live in Arkansas
"
1743,"When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
"
168818,"My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
"
113040,"Why did the cellphone go to court? Because it was charged with battery. Thank you, I'll be here all night... Finals week needs to end.
"
11574,"What's the difference between a Lambo and 1,000 dead babies? I dont have a Lambo in my Garage...
"
50161,"Barbie didn't give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can't reattach a head once it's been removed from the body.
"
141144,"My girlfriend wants a chest freezer for Christmas... I said """"Why? It's cold as tits outside already!""""
"
214942,"what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
"
150092,"God loves everyone You know, it's in that book you hold up when you're yelling at gay people.
"
193369,"Just saw a French band perform Livin' On A Prayer. I think it was Bonjour-vi.
"
49968,"Do you know how to make a Venetian Blind? Poke them in the eye
"
166024,"My history teacher is a communist, so I made lots of references to the Soviet Union in my essay. I got full marx.
"
28840,"Guys who go see 50 Shades of Grey... Do you all remain seated an extra 30 min after the movie's done? 
"
138356,"if you have a favorite tetris block that isn't the 4x1 long piece, you're a fucking contrarian idiot asshole and i hate you
"
192549,"A bird just landed on Bernie Sanders' podium during a speech It's a shame it was just a bird and not 800 delegates
"
160215,"I think my cockney friend is obsessed with the desert. I asked him what he thought of my mixtape and he said, """"Sand's great.""""
"
100580,"*talking to mailman* So are you like, made of mail? *mailman laughs* """"sure, kid"""" So that must mean.. *fireman & garbageman walk by* Holy shi
"
10796,"My life story is just like """"Eat Pray Love"""" but without the last two.
"
171367,"My dad was a construction site thief When I got home all the signs were there.
"
117586,"That pie smells so good I jizzed in my pants... I guess you could say I came to my senses.
"
138133,"Is it whisky? Two Chinese men break into a Scottish Distillery. One turns to the other and says """"is it whisky?"""". His accomplice turns to him and says """"yes! But not as whisky as wobbing a bank"""".
"
169411,"Every summer I go to Grammar Camp we discuss creative ideas and pitch our new tense.
"
103780,"If you tell me you're a fan of One Direction, please clarify if you're referring to the boy band or Kim/Kanye's baby.
"
18168,"Did you hear about the gay man who got a job at the sperm bank? He was fired for drinking on the job.
"
212128,"When I grow up I want to be a fire truck... I want to be big, red and have 8 men in me at once
"
196333,"Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat? Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.
"
5612,"A Nerd joke.. A photon walks up to an airline counter to buy a ticket and the clerk asks """"any baggage to check?"""" The photon replies """"No, I'm traveling light.""""
"
121268,"In the end, the tribe of cannibals caught the Hardy Boys. That night, they had mystery meat.
"
230151,"I had a sudden, albeit extremely belated, realization about Jared from Subway His career ended the way it began: trying to get into smaller pants.
"
115074,"What did Jay Sherman say about your breath? It stinks!
"
117276,"My friends Dad call his son """"The Exorcist"""" Ever time he comes home, all the spirits are gone [Picture of the """"The Exorcist"""" at work](http://i.imgur.com/hAK6zNg.jpg)
"
43983,"Funny Comeback Dad: you better pass your exam or else forget me as your father! son: ..... son: sure, whatever dad. FIVE HOURS LATER Dad: so how was your exam? Son: who the hell are you?
"
169976,"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking! jk... rolling
"
104286,"How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb? None, they'll just pass a law against light bulbs and then wonder why it's dark.
"
121508,"sure mugger, run away with my purse holding half used lipstick, 1 tampon, maxed out credit cards n negative bank card. whos laughing now?
"
223375,"Why do all public restrooms feel haunted?
"
161251,"I've been contemplating legally changing my name to 'An End', so that all good things must come to me.
"
208691,"What is a 6.9 ? A good thing ruined by a period.
"
173930,"I just flew in from Cleveland And boy are my arms tired.
"
73651,"I don't know what you guys are talking about. I drank pineapple juice earlier and my jizz doesn't taste any different.
"
64035,"Michael Phelps won his 21st olympic gold medal. You could say he's swimming in them!
"
19421,"The Human Genome Project had a breakthrough and isolated the genes that make someone homosexual. They are skinny genes.
"
210711,"With my luck, I'll die and get reincarnated as myself.
"
45824,"Happy New Year Reddit! Just Kidding you really came for my cake day! Happy 1 Year Reddit
"
108888,"What's a married couples favorite sex position? Doggy Style. The husband sits up and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead.
"
193010,"You really only have 2 options: 1. You can be miserable bc you're fat 2. You can be miserable bc you're hungry
"
24841,"#HowToGetABlackGirl Tell her she look like Rihanna even tho she look like whoopi goldberg in the color purple
"
211367,"What do you call a Cuban Atheist? Infidel Castro.
"
29097,"Why do Canadians like doggy style so much? So they can both watch the hockey game!
"
213153,"Why did the ska kid not get the job?... they were worried about his checkered past
"
56545,"My physics teacher asked me if I understood the chapter on linear motion. I said, """"yeah it's pretty straightforward.""""
"
115706,"Q. How do you make holy water? A. Boil the hell out of it.
"
24767,"There are tons of girls in my software engineering class... ...just not very many of them.
"
83112,"There's way too much nudity on TV programs these days... I just sit there shaking my fist at them.
"
71221,"Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
"
124960,"Utilizing your Miranda rights... POLICE: Anything you say will be held against you... BOY: Titties.
"
9225,"When I got my new job, my boss said I could name my salary But he said """"paltry"""" and """" inadequate"""" were already taken.
"
20176,"My daddy always warned me about the 3 rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
"
95871,"What do you call someone who can't take a joke about cancer? Someone with no sense of tumor.
"
228357,"Did you hear about the Native American who went to a party and drank 37 cups of tea? They found him dead the next morning in his tea pee.
"
70480,"What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynaecologist have in common? Both of them can smell it but neither is allowed to eat it.
"
6622,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Courtney Pine ! Courtney Pine who ? Courtney Pine tables I need a new one !
"
164292,"Steps to getting into her pants: 1) Wait for her to fall asleep 2) Take her pants off 3) Put them on yourself 4) Find a top that matches
"
67281,"I can't believe I'm in class on Presidents' Day. This is an obamanation.
"
192764,"The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. 
"
89292,"Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like 'Stabbyrabbit' or 'Weaponrat'
"
126771,"I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.
"
221612,"Eagles QB Michael Vick is engaged to be married. But both Rappers Pitbull and Snoop Dogg declined the invitation.
"
44666,"Me: *breathes"""" My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.
"
209171,"What do you call a really quiet dog? A subwoofer.
"
135638,"The real fact about the strongest man in the universe afraid of his wife xD
"
125351,"How do you make Canadians? Fucking eh's. I'll see myself out.
"
195062,"Why did the police shoot the black insomniac? He resisted a rest.
"
155426,"[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it] """"I'm sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?""""
"
212679,"Have you heard the one about the ignorant proctologist? He didn't know shit.
"
18777,"Yo mama is like the gas station. Pump and Pay.
"
199462,"It seems unfair that I'm bad with names but great at remembering every grotesque meaty neck I've ever had to wait behind at an airport.
"
228177,"Never treat someone like a saturday night when they treat you like a monday morning.
"
66368,"If anyone is interested I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
"
39254,"What kind of boxes do gay boxes like? Male Boxes.
"
143200,"Whenever me and the wife watch a film, I can always tell if it's going to be shit. She's picked it.
"
193544,"Why are churches never broke? Because Jesus saves.
"
155830,"I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
"
157735,"How did Camelot get its name? Guinevere liked to hump a lot.
"
126047,"There was once a cowboy who walked into town wearing nothing but leaves. He was arrested for rustling.
"
57523,"PUN MEGATHREAD Post your punniest, worst, most awful puns here
"
144949,"Lebron reminds me of Michael Jordan... ...when Jordan played baseball
"
161767,"Which is better: blind or deaf? Deaf. Because the blind community can't see each other often.
"
96994,"What did the seaweed say when it was in trouble? Kelp me!
"
175546,"Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
"
198243,"A blond walks into a bar You think she would've seen it.
"
127647,"BBQ club Do you want to join my BBQ club? > are there any girls in it? No, right now it's just a big ol sausage fest
"
36594,"Scientists have reversed Global Warming! Get rekt, Sun!
"
37917,"What do you call an alligator with a magnifying glass? An investigator.
"
67275,"Two condoms..... Two condoms pass a gay bar. One says to the other, """"Let's go in and get shit-faced.""""
"
89366,"CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
"
144102,"The fact that the British call math """"maths"""" scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
"
111157,"Today I picked up a hitchhiker. Dropped him off at Crystal Lake. Seemed nice but didn't say a word. Was wearing a hockey mask. Oh, these wacky kids and their crazy fashions!
"
86643,"""""IT'S A BOY"""" I shouted, tears rolling down my face """"I DON'T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!"""" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
"
87429,"I'm thinking of writing a Mystery novel... or am I?
"
77787,"My first wife's breasts were different sizes... One spring I took her down to the beach for a wet T-shirt contest. We took 1st and 3rd place.
"
39053,"What's the difference between a joke and two dicks? You don't look like you could take a joke.
"
115950,"Hey, Sean Bean, it's either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can't have it both ways.
"
17775,"Police responded to a call where the husband was beating his wife with a flashlight... The man was charged with assault; flashlight charged with battery.
"
41125,"How do you call the piece of fat around the vagina? A woman.
"
68911,"[thinks about me petting a very cool dog] me: oh hell yea
"
102031,"I've got a funny knock knock joke, but you have to start.
"
37637,"What do you call a dinosaur with explosive diarrhea? A shitty-sore-ass.
"
129226,"A lesbian friend of mine corrected a misconception that I had.... I had told her that I assumed the majority of lesbians engaged in Fisting. Turns out, it's only a handful...
"
223427,"If you read into something enough, it can be offensive. I like puppies
"
36362,"My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing. Apparently, """"Heating your dinner"""" wasn't a good answer.
"
152097,"A man in a museum accidentaly breaks a vase. Manager: That vase was over a thousand years old! Man: Phew - I thought it was new.
"
115858,"If an Astronaut Vomits in L.E.O. If an Astronaut vomits in L.E.O., what do you call the portion of the vomit closest to the Earth? The Ralph Nadir
"
161331,"clean jokes What did one cookie say to the other cookie ? You've got a chip on your shoulder. What did the deer say to the bear? Your unbearable
"
34742,"If I was a video game character, the 'B' button would activate my special move: Avoiding conversations.
"
106923,"Why is it so hard to give up fizzy drinks? That shits like liquid Coke!
"
123644,"Why could Edward not leave his driveway and get back to his home country? He was Snowden.
"
52448,"I have the body of an eighteen year old I keep it in the fridge
"
45916,"He fucked his dad When mom found out she wanted to join. She wanted to do some kinky things with urination """"Pee on our boy"""" The son didn't want to Oedipus
"
107347,"I'd like to give a shout out Shout out to all the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
"
95948,"What do you call a wizard who loves being on busy trams? Harry Frotteur
"
84337,"In retrospect, replying """"Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory"""", probably wasn't the best way to respond to my therapist.
"
170664,"If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
"
100736,"two flies, eating dinner So two flies are eating a piece of shit. The first fly farts. The second fly looks over, disgusted, and says """"ummm...excuse me...I'm eating here..."""".
"
118032,"My neighbor was a vampire When I stabbed her in the heart with a wooden stake, she died.
"
217109,"What goes in dry and hard, but comes out, wet and soft? Chewing gum
"
37958,"Why are men the best chefs? Because with only 2 nuts, one sausage, and a little bit of milk, they can fill a woman's stomach for 9 months.
"
19127,"I have a sexual attraction and fetish for car races I just love getting off to a good start
"
104602,"I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don't know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
"
24017,"What's more dangerous than a serial killer? A parallel killer.
"
196814,"Two can dine... if we 69
"
174879,"Gather round children, for my machine powered by round children
"
207503,"why don't you see elephants hiding in the trees that often? because they're really fucking good at it
"
166168,"Why can't pirates recite the alphabet? They keep getting lost at sea.
"
120809,"What did the black guy see when he went down the roller coaster? His upper lip.
"
68810,"What's the safest font? Helmetica.
"
196573,"I saw a list of what things cost in the 1930s. Great Depression or not, I find it hard to believe people couldn't afford a 20 cent steak.
"
76956,"With great power comes.. An expensive electricity bill
"
197266,"Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*
"
76130,"Inoffensive Muslim joke What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common? It's either Sunni or shiite
"
15531,"Who is tall, orange-skinned, blatantly racist, should not be a politician, and makes everyone groan whenever he appears on TV? Jar Jar Binks
"
172331,"""""Ohana"""" means family, and family means that no Monopoly game can ever finish well.
"
15101,"*whispers in bed* I want to try something with you I've never done before *engages in a loving and mutually beneficial adult relationship*
"
36937,"It's hard to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs Because they always take things literally.
"
57689,"Kum & go Ejaculate & evacuate
"
127934,"My girlfriend went to Florida She blew his whistle; It went down for real.
"
209944,"Hush little laptop dont you cry mommas gonna find you another wifi.
"
181433,"Why'd the short man take the elevator up? He was feeling down
"
18552,"What's a pirates favorite letter? """"argh..."""" """"NO, IT BE THE SEA""""
"
34256,"Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know
"
199853,"What do you call a female manager? Miss. Management.
"
90494,"The gay marriage referendum was just passed in Ireland. The number of married gay Irish couples will be Dublin.
"
212753,"Which concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat Nickelback
"
153855,"A word to the wise. A paragraph to the smart. A long-form essay to the oblivious. A silent, meaningful gesture to the enlightened.
"
197326,"Which letter of the alphabet is the laziest? letter G (lethargy)
"
101995,"If you need an ark built... I Noah guy
"
26399,"Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can't smell their breath.
"
144923,"How do you titillate an Ocelot? Ocillate it's tit a lot
"
202232,"What the NSA say to NASA? You're a day late and a dolla short!
"
25331,"Lil' Wayne looks pretty good for a scarecrow that is being eaten from the inside out by bats.
"
212667,"A friend of mine told me that I should try and come up with a joke about Staircase Wit. I can't think of one right now, but I'm sure I'll think of a great one later.
"
151232,"My dad is like the Michael Jordan of dads. He has a serious gambling problem.
"
195506,"Thanks for explaining the word """"many"""" to me. It means a lot
"
161851,"Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
"
166425,"My Reddit posts are just like my prostitutes. They always end up getting buried.
"
11321,"What do a prison and a concentration camp have in common? In both people don't feel like showering.
"
95052,"Why are all Satanists trypophobic? They're grossed out by Holy things.
"
69596,"Just cause you have 9 lives doesn't give you the right to show it off and run across a busy street....fucking cats.
"
114473,"Have you heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?  No! Tell me about it. It smells of $50 dollar bills.
"
224047,"what idiot named them horses and not zerocorns
"
173358,"[Reality TV] HOST: Welcome to America's Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to-- *One contestant stands up*: I WON! H: --ruin it.
"
218277,"69% of people... find something dirty in every fucking sentence.
"
3656,"What's the difference between redneck newlyweds and two variables in a dataset? The variables aren't necessarily related.
"
192431,"A blind man walks in to a bar... ...and a chair...and a table...
"
91224,"What's the most commonly used Muslim woman punch called? Hijab
"
55484,"Why was 6 scared of 7? Because 7 raped 6 when he was 4.
"
210708,"My wife went to see a spiritualist last week. I asked her """"how did you rate her?"""" She said """"medium.""""
"
45451,"Decided to start ranking my favorite minority groups: so far Lithuanians have a lot of catching up to do.
"
208958,"I'm gonna drag a terrified family into a shack in the woods at knife point but then just make them have a Wii bowling tournament with me.
"
101380,"When asked if he had ever had a threesome Chuck Norris replied... """"Yeah.""""
"
86188,"Did you know that timing is the secret to great comedy? Like a head phone jack is the secret to a great phone.
"
54203,"How did ISIS do on their French test? They bombed it...
"
109854,"Goodnight sweet prince
"
138007,"*secret agent slaps me* I'll never give you answers *he grabs my throat* """"WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA"""" *spits* I'd rather die
"
220357,"Trump's inauguration had a low turnout Still more than Hillary's inauguration
"
18212,"Girl are you the burning bush? Cuz you're hot. And there's no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
"
213709,"Kentucky Derby trivia - Why don't female jockeys shave their pussies? They like their fur long! I'll show myself out...
"
4515,"if you're in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
"
59219,"my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
"
161226,"I bet if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said """"I'm brushing my hair"""". It would get about 50 likes.
"
198146,"My kids and I are exact opposites. They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
"
206719,"old people love to comment on news stories """"these are sad times we're living in"""" like humans only recently started being pieces of shit
"
119224,"If someone's mean to you, just lean in and whisper """"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world"""" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
"
75423,"Why don't hypochondriacs... Why don't hypochondriacs use lighters? They're afraid of catching fire!
"
17870,"My mother is in the hospital... She's a nurse.
"
8131,"I have Alzheimer's AMA (Not sure if repost) Yes, this is a x-post from /r/circlejerk, but still a pretty good joke in my opinion.
"
115628,"Doctor: you're never too old to start exercising Me: cool thanks i'll start in maybe like 15 years then
"
99906,"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
"
2554,"How do deaf mathematicians communicate? Through sine language.
"
113079,"Mathematically, the difference between Jelly and Jam is... = J(elly - am)
"
83798,"What's the difference between babies and boomerangs? If you throw a boomerang correctly, it will come back...
"
196539,"What does snoop dogg use to wash his clothes? BLEYOTCH!
"
25044,"With Fifty Shades of Grey that came out today, cinemas should serve ketchup... ...for all the fish fingers
"
201236,"How do you tell if a girl is ticklish? You give her two test tickles I will see myself out. Thank you and have a good day
"
22302,"How Does Moses Make His Tea? Hebrews it
"
115572,"I like my beer how I like my violence. Domestic.
"
230775,"All these mean jokes about the Boston Marathon Bombing ... are really crossing the line... too soon?
"
173160,"Almost had an accident due to texting while driving Barely hit send and some idiot slammed on his brakes! Luckily I only spilled my beer
"
208353,"What do you call an ESA engineer serving the comet lander? Philae Minion
"
148505,"The lord said to John """"Come forth and receive eternal life""""... But John came in fifth and won a toaster instead.
"
219699,"I fucked a girls butthole.
"
77439,"How did the medical community come up with the term """"PMS""""? """"Mad Cow Disease"""" was already taken.
"
122315,"If greens are the staples of a healthy diet... I'm gonna need some paperclips.
"
77567,"If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, that's probably a good, isolated spot to commit crimes.
"
31608,"Why couldn't the wizard get the witch pregnant? He had a hollow-weenie
"
32798,"How many Christian women does it take to change a lightbulb? nun
"
32468,"What's blue and smells like red painting? Blue painting
"
34271,"Try not to remember that your brain is the pilot of a meat robot that can't do twenty pushups without dying.
"
169472,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Armageddon ! Armageddon who ? Armageddon getting out of here !
"
78074,"What do you call a prostitute with one leg shorter than the other? A Trampoline.
"
7920,"I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
"
197843,"I won $3 million on lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity Now I have $2,999,999.75
"
173410,"Spell Indian tent with two letters. TP.
"
90005,"Reddit: I'm looking for some offensive jokes, lets hear em! It doesn't matter if you or I are offended, only that SOMEONE is offended.
"
166325,"I once went to an open air Queen concert. There was a terrible electrical storm during the performance. Thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening.
"
174126,"My cat was looking for a place to sleep today, all she kneaded was my lap.
"
169266,"Did you hear the score of the Germany Vs Ethiopia game? Germany 8, Ethiopia didn't.
"
108250,"My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I'm fat.
"
151372,"I like when I see a 30mph speed limit sign spraypainted to say 80. Whoever does that has found a way to completely beat the system
"
166447,"What would Matthew McConaughey eat if he were a horse? McConaugHAY
"
231103,"What's the difference between PirateBay and 9/11? One is piracy and the other is CONSpiracy
"
21798,"I ordered a coffee and the barista asked what size. I told her size didn't matter. We laughed. Then she gave me an extra large coffee.
"
80936,"What did the egg say when it was about to be hard boiled? It's gonna take a while to get me hard, because I just got laid by a chick!
"
73042,"*walks into bar with camera* Me: Can I take a shot of this glass? Bartender: Take a pitcher, it'll last longer
"
82733,"How to ruin a helpful solution you gave to a friend that needed help. End with """"Your mom is actually really hot""""
"
19501,"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was too chicken to do it.
"
215745,"I went on a date with a Vacuum Salesperson last night... It sucked.
"
64531,"In honor of National Limerick day (U.S.) There once was a man from Nantucket Who had a cock so big he could suck it He said with a grin As he wiped off his chin If my ear were a pussy I'd fuck it
"
126086,"I tried to visit a new subreddit /r/god All I got was """"there doesn't seem to be anything here"""". Check. Your move, religionists
"
32181,"What's Michael Jackson's favorite thing about twenty-eight year olds? There's 20 of them.
"
59740,"My 3-year-old told me she covered the house in """"fairy dust"""" She better mean cocaine because if it's glitter somebody's going to be homeless
"
202209,"Men and women stalk differently. Men will drive by at night. Women will show up at your job and smash your stuff in front of everyone.
"
74527,"This joke is like a never ending stairway. This joke is like a never ending stairway, it leads up to nothing
"
69947,"Why don't people in their 80's have sex anymore? You ever try to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
"
208546,"Any celebrities who are thinking of dying soon, please befriend me so I can relate a moving and humorous anecdote when you pass.
"
38893,"What do you call a jockey that doesn't get blowjobs? A headless horseman!
"
159704,"HUH? Why did the farmer sell his frog leg ranch? He found out it was a 'rough toad to hoe.'
"
73584,"I suck at sports events It's a good way to make a quick buck.
"
28910,"Olive Garden really does make you feel like family. Last time I went there my server told me a racist joke & asked why I wasn't married yet.
"
87731,"VLUT = A Virgin that act's like a SLUT
"
111545,"If ADHD is heritable, is it therefore energenetic?
"
80031,"In the presidential election, who does the elephant vote for? Donald Trunk.
"
68741,"I don't know why everyone looks so stressed. I tweet and drive all the time. Oh...must be the beer.
"
177080,"A friend told me this one... Why did the cyclops close his school? Because he only had one pupil! The joke is that I have no friends
"
38214,"Pinocchio had 2 pets. He had a cat named mittens and a dog named champ. He also had a wood pecker.
"
128717,"MAST JOKES: I was fall from 4th floor http://mastjoks.blogspot.com/2013/01/i-was-fall-from-4th-floor.html#.UQasZ2fq90Q.reddit
"
104006,"What's a KKK member's favorite car? A crossfire.
"
226439,"Frozen (2013): A girl with magical powers causes adults to talk nonstop about a movie for children
"
44,"Someone didnt click the button in /r/thebutton Yeah... Thats a good joke , he impossible!
"
3061,"At what age do kids stop remembering how often their parents are late picking them up from school because of online poker?
"
218799,"So is my call important to you or will it be answered in the order it was received? IT CAN'T BE BOTH!
"
18973,"A cowboy goes into a shop to buy condoms Cowboy: """"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."""" Cashier: """"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"""" Cowboy: """"Nah.. She's purty good lookin'.....""""
"
183888,"Missing socks When you lose a sock in the wash or laundry hamper, the one that's left becomes more human than you know. It's looking for its sole mate.
"
75707,"What do you call a gay man on roller skates? Rollaids
"
77924,"A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says, """"Make me one with everything."""" ~~~ So he pays for his meal and asks for his change. The vendor shrugs and retorts smugly, """"Change comes from within.""""
"
22541,"The term """"Expecting a baby"""" implies uncertainty. Like we're almost sure it's a baby, but could also be a bushel of potatoes, who knows
"
21468,"Duck Hunting Joke What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever
"
223744,"I saw a car with no wheels the other day They were enTIREly gone
"
32380,"What are the two problems Donald Trump is currently being treated for ? 1) Electile Dysfunction and 2) Premature Congratulations.
"
126367,"How long does it take a black woman to take out the trash? 9 months.
"
151005,"What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless
"
156754,"Joke What's the difference between a dick and an ass?  I don't know, but your mom seems to enjoy the combination of both.
"
56982,"My girlfriend asked me what I feel about being with her. I told her what I truly feel. Numbness radiating down my left arm.
"
67387,"My old car is a great investment It doubles in value every time I fill the gas tank.
"
106848,"What's it called when a pig kills itself? Soooey!-cide
"
3902,"What do you call lying furniture? Untrustable
"
43907,"What did the shy pebble wish for? That it could be a little bolder!
"
126828,"Autocorrect changed """"meeting"""" to """"mating"""" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.
"
114536,"Here's a funny joke I heard about pizza oh nevermind. It's too cheesy.
"
83210,"The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
"
92624,"Q: How many Librans does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Why change the bulb? Isn't it more romantic in the dark?
"
217260,"I'm so broke right now, if my gf leaves me for a richer person I'm going with them -__-
"
9487,"""""Wanna hear a joke about being shot by the police?"""" """"No thanks, I get depressed by black humour."""" Maybe I should cross-post this to /r/ImGoingToHellForThis
"
183928,"You need to log on to the window repair  website! I did - but it gave me a pane!
"
111587,"How do you know the Alphabet is celebrating Christmas? When there is no """"L""""
"
135455,"What do Bernie Sanders and the Statue of Liberty have in common? Common people sent both of them pennies to help build a foundation for liberty.
"
148581,"Why does nobody ever talk about Jack the Ripper's sleazier French cousin? Jock the stripper.
"
111025,"Howdo you stop a baby from running in circles? Nail its other hand to the floor.
"
162746,"There's a job in the paper for a park litter attendant. Experience is not necessary, you just pick it up as you go along.
"
150704,"Did you hear about the eel party last night? It was electric
"
3085,"ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off
"
133246,"grade A funny I bet the butcher the other day that he couldn't reach the meat that was on the top shelf. He refused to take the bet, saying that the steaks were too high.
"
88570,"How are a frying pan and a beautiful woman similar? You have to get them both hot before you put the meat in.
"
216882,"YO momma so nasty... She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.
"
95165,"My uncle the rabbi only tips 10% And a I mean always! He does that shit religiously!
"
147407,"Man Bun? or Douche Knot? neither, it's a fairy tail.
"
49608,"Nothing adults love more than telling people how exhausted they are. It's like a sadness competition.
"
129740,"[auditions for laundry detergent commercials just so I can splash brightly colored food on myself on purpose]
"
128849,"Want to hear a joke? Bacontaco
"
224915,"Sorry for writing """"I guess u moved on haha"""" under that ultrasound photo of your baby.
"
23045,"I thought I saw a pizza in the sexy underwear ad. ...oops, wrong subliminal
"
158632,"Don't break anybody's heart, they have only one........ Break their bones, they have 206.
"
115052,"Why does a chicken coupe have two doors? Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
"
105330,"Why couldn't the Dukes of Hazard visit Mecca? Because that's just a little bit more than Allah will allow.
"
131999,"I wish someone knew exactly when the world is going to end so I can stop feeling guilty about all the littering I've been doing.
"
140354,"Do you think Gillette employees ever call in Schick to work?
"
203008,"I started seeing a psychic. I knew she was good because she told me she's voted best in the city 2017 and 2018.
"
153279,"I ordered a new joke in the mail... It's pretty funny, but I haven't quite gotten the delivery yet
"
57848,"If you took the tartness out of a lime and later put it back would the lime be retarted? Yes...yes it would...
"
189950,"Have you heard of the new crime drama involving a rich dinner party? It's called Law and Hors D'oeuvres.
"
71649,"yo moma is so dumb she climbed over a window to see what was on the other side
"
157192,"The Jewish Year is 5776. As of yesterday, the Chinese year is 4714... That means Jews had to exist for 1,062 years without Chinese Food. They call this time, """"The Dark Age.""""
"
163300,"Doctor, Doctor!! I think my wife is dead. What do you mean you """"think"""" she's dead, either she is or she isn't. Well, the sex is the same but the dishes in the sink are piling up.
"
26876,"two fish are in a.... Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'do you know how to drive this thing?'
"
22298,"What's the best truck in Norway? The Fjord F150.
"
31691,"I don't call it lying down, I call it landscape mode.
"
211342,"Awful pick up line Are you my big toe? Because i want to bang you on every piece of furniture.
"
84367,"And that's how the fight started My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And that's how the fight started....
"
162308,"Some women have mood swings... others have mood theme parks.
"
198155,"What do you call a blind deer? No eye deer! What do you call a blind deer without legs? Still no eye deer!
"
180486,"Son, if you masturbate too much you'll go blind! Ahh, I'm over here Dad.
"
48786,"An illegal alien, a communist, and a Muslim walk into a bar The bartender says, """"Hello, Mr. President!""""
"
164016,"I think if I was blind I would enjoy Walmart.
"
84419,"LIKE if you remember having to REWIND a video before you returned it.
"
74246,"Where did the Jewish girl go during the bombing? Everywhere.
"
221242,"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Great big holes all over australia
"
118887,"""""Two can play at that game"""" -guy who's confused about solitaire.
"
42987,"I'll never forget what my grandad said before he kicked the bucket """"Watch me kick that bucket""""
"
109860,"Bob the Builder sacked! The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.. They say they can no longer trust any children's Tv star who claims to be able to fix it!!
"
63699,"What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common? Both of them cost $100 and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed!
"
55557,"[Commercial for hobbies] Like drugs for people who don't do drugs. """"HOBBIES""""
"
38045,"How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.
"
110831,"A group of deer... .. go to a party. The next day, one deer says to the other """"Wow, that was a pretty crazy party."""" the other deer replies, """"You're telling me. I blew 50 bucks!""""
"
127781,"The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I'm home alone and my power goes out.
"
170609,"Boss: """"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life""""!! Me: """"Well It got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago 2011 Boss: """"Really""""? Me: """"No""""
"
85958,"How many scientists it takes to change a lightbulb? None *et al.*
"
95293,"Why do programmers celebrate Christmas on Halloween? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25
"
93823,"How do you turn a duck in to a soul singer? Put in the oven till it's Bill Withers.
"
174251,"masturbate.
"
84921,"When is Independence Day 2 coming out? 9/11
"
100609,"Hatton: I ain't as dumb as I look! Folsom: You couldn't be!
"
209829,"What's the difference between my daughter and my driveway? I don't want to plow my driveway
"
57319,"I'm a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
"
219690,"What's the difference between a waitress at a strip club and a stripper? About 2 weeks.
"
97342,"Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
"
51793,"They say 1 out of 3 people in a relationship cheat. I can't decide if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
"
16464,"Dear Monday: I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.
"
160869,"I'm taking your mom to the new British dollar store Pound Town.
"
226796,"I would never give you a death sentence. It would be more like a paragraph.
"
66984,"God talked to Jews like 500 times in the Old Testament, and not one warning about the Nazis.
"
202345,"What is it called when a heavy gambler goes on vacation? Paradice...
"
117758,"Behind every ladybug there's a gentleman bug who is tired of dealing with her.
"
178206,"My wife and I found each other on a dating website.........3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
"
222495,"I don't know who's worse, the people who sign their cats' names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
"
175350,"Why did hitler get an A in chemistry? He always knew the final solution!
"
223889,"Who invented the equation? A X-pert
"
226855,"Why shoudn't you play poker in Africa ? Because of all the Cheetahs!
"
121605,"I had a conversation with a Mobius strip... It was one-sided.
"
91668,"I bet rocket scientists are conceited bastards. """"YOU CALL THIS A MARTINI? THIS ISN'T ROCKET SCIENCE DAMMIT! I WOULD KNOW!""""
"
38106,"The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car... They don't however think it's cute to call your phone baby..
"
144188,"Roses are Red Violets are Red Grass are Red I think my lawn is on Fire
"
201786,"Jackson Pollock - great painter piss poor pictionary partner
"
208191,"Who makes a drinking sound like this *makes drinking sound*? GEORGE GRASHINGTON!
"
16879,"One wind turbine says to another """"what music do you like?"""" """"well I'm a big metal fan""""
"
137609,"What happened to Frankenstein's monster on  the road? He was stopped for speeding fined $50 and dismantled for six months.
"
203788,"So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
"
55957,"What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for a couple of centuries, it'll grow a culture.
"
111571,"Why are Asians bad at golf? They don't know how to drive.
"
119703,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Candy ! Candy who ? Candy cow jump over the moon !
"
166210,"The login input fields spend the night at a hotel. Password stays for breakfast. Username checks out.
"
155758,"If i had $1 for every time i got called beautiful.. I'd have $1. Thanks mom.
"
46284,"Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
"
142058,"God's recreational activity is to destroy the whole universe and create it again.
"
84508,"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Possibly better for r/dadjokes, I'll show my self out.
"
201130,"""""Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?"""" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife
"
91682,"How to make your God proud? By abusing his names in other languages.
"
163087,"Where does Sean Connery shit? On the couch!
"
179125,"You guys want to hear a joke? Women's rights.
"
80292,"I'm taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can't lose them there, I'll try the mall again.
"
181290,"Son, you're kind of like rapunzel. But instead of letting your hair down you let everyone in your life down.
"
201512,"Me: [opens front facing camera at a funeral and starts crying] """"he must've meant a lot to her.""""
"
104951,"Why do men become smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a genius.
"
6543,"Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space? Because there is no atmosphere!
"
157552,"Apple watch, loudly: """"It is time for you to poop"""" Me: """"A-as I was saying, our investors h-"""" Watch, louder: """"It is your optimal poop time""""
"
144448,"My wife keeps on calling me """"gullible"""" and """"financially irresponsible"""". I just can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won the Nigerian lottery.
"
3042,"I can't afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
"
175162,"Why is the oval office oval shaped? Because the government cuts corners.
"
199497,"What is censorship? [removed]
"
167734,"I'm writing a story about a Pirate who sells corn... It's about a buccaneer.
"
216447,"A magician was walking down the street then he turned into a grocery store.
"
89697,"A wife comes downstairs before a dinner date with her husband She asks, """"Do I look fat in this dress?"""" He replies, """"Do I look dumb in this shirt?""""
"
194047,"Cup of coffee Patient: Doctor help me please, every time I drink a cup of coffee I get this intense stinging in my eye.   Doctor: I suggest you remove the spoon before drinking
"
101262,"The other day, a clown held the door open for me. It was a nice jester.
"
25446,"I went camping with swingers It was fucking intense
"
214567,"What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Tennish.
"
129424,"I hate guitarists... They're so picky.
"
103083,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard, I just got laid.
"
148859,"Sometimes, when I think of a book I touch my shelf
"
32595,"Why did Adele cross the road? Because she wanted to say hello from the other side.
"
141085,"Have you heard about that hot Thai lounge singer? Yeah. They call him *Frank Sriracha.*
"
102843,"I happily dad joked my fiance While on her way to work, she texted me saying she only put deodorant on one side. To which I replied, """"At least you won't smell half bad!""""
"
132146,"8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid? Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did. 8: It's a really old story then, I guess.
"
225229,"Why was the lawyer home early? Briefcase
"
166631,"What do you call a spoiled girl blogging about her 1st world problems? A feminist.
"
9409,"Facebook has really revolutionized how quickly we find out friends from high school gave up on their dreams.
"
199276,"A hurricane is going to hit the east coast? Are you Joaquin?
"
131381,"I just passed my drug test my dealer has some explaining to do
"
143309,"When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me I was never scared though, I loved disco music
"
172576,"Why do record collectors have bad sex lives? They're always complaining about the 10"""" they don't have.
"
181087,"Q. What do you call a handcuffed man? A. Trustworthy.
"
29910,"Why did Ellen Pao cross the road? [deleted]
"
174410,"Great opinion from a stupid girl ! Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
"
182236,"For women, perky breasts will one day be a distant mammary.
"
74553,"s/o to parallel lines for keeping that shit platonic and never crossing. they keep a healthy professional work ethic
"
2906,"Steve was walking down the street, when he came across a police officer and was promptly arrested for indecent exposure
"
170017,"[during ultrasound] wife: I really thought you were the father me: how could you do this to me? wife's grey and black lover: I told y'all
"
19225,"What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding half a worm in your apple.
"
185026,"How do you know that someone likes to smoke weed? Don't worry they'll tell you.
"
164665,"[shines flashlight under chin] In my day, kids ate gluten and rode bikes without helmets and OPEN LETTERS DIDN'T EXIST [children scream]
"
20866,"I'm in a serious relationship with my WIFI... You might say we have a connection.
"
228990,"Why did everyone love the fisherman? He was a real catch
"
67375,"My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn't get me anymore. I. Don't. Want. A. Fish.
"
52200,"What did the egg say to the boiling water?... You're gonna have to give me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by some chick.
"
186236,"Q: How does a man keep his youth? A: By giving her money furs and diamonds.
"
113472,"A baby seal walks into a club. buh dum tssss.
"
157554,"How can you tell if someone is a marathon runner? Don't worry, they'll let you know.
"
47288,"First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!
"
176362,"Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
"
139320,"People with those rims that spin when the car isn't moving, how often do you have to replace the hamsters in those things?
"
60065,"*boss stops meeting* Mike, is there something you'ld like to share with the whole group? Me: Nooooo, that's why I whispered it to Alan.
"
77883,"The greatest trick Facebook ever pulled was to convince the world we actually want to keep in touch with people we went to school with.
"
226974,"A beautiful woman is walking down the street..... A man says to her """"can I smell your pussy?"""" She shouts """"No!"""" He replies """"Oh, It must be your asshole.""""
"
3709,"Women are like condoms They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
"
224860,"What is the epitome of sex with the elderly? Knitted condoms!
"
181395,"Buddy: Why don't women want to have sex in the morning? Me: Dunno Buddy: You ever try to open a grilled cheese sandwich?
"
30123,"Why did the elephant paints it's toes red? So he could hide in the cherry tree.
"
133632,"What do hip pigs call their ladies? Fine swine.
"
108876,"What does D.N.A stand for? National Dyslexic Association
"
134015,"Nice try, fat girls ordering a salad on the first date. Nice try.
"
117528,"A woman stopped me in my tracks. She said, """"You wouldn't know where the nearest hospital is?"""" """"That is correct."""" I replied.
"
177944,"I put my pants on just like everyone else in your mom's bedroom in the morning
"
106333,"What's the difference between a Greyhound bus station and a lobster with tits? One's a crusty bus station; the other is a busty crustacean.
"
95668,"Why do terrorists hate air planes made of water? Because they hate waterboarding.
"
165594,"Liberal Congress people didn't get gunned down while a white guy was president. Just sayin'...
"
203285,"Want to hear a joke about Sodium? Na
"
51015,"What does a math mermaid wear? An algeabra....
"
202276,"Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
"
120431,"How do black people grow? Their knee grows!
"
57311,"My dog is called cigarette as he's got no legs Every evening I take him for a drag
"
57089,"What's the difference between a cockerel and a prostitute? A cockerel says cock-a-doodle-do. Whereas a prostitute says any-cock-will-do.
"
170553,"My Mother in Law fell down a wishing well I was amazed. I never knew they worked.
"
91940,"What's the difference between dollars and Jews? I give a shit when I lose 6 million dollars.
"
893,"It's funny how liberals think Donald Trump oppresses women and hates gays Like he's a Muslim or something.
"
40051,"Me: hello I've run out of toilet paper Front desk: oh I'm sorry for the inconvenience Me: oh no worries, but I've also run out of towels
"
42251,"""""Dad"""" said Fred to his father who was a  bank robber. """"I need $50 for the school trip tomorrow."""" """"OK son"""" said his dad """"I'll get you the cash when the bank closes.""""
"
39021,"Great weight loss tip: Become an astronaut.
"
151889,"What is a black's favorite letter? The one with the welfare check in it.
"
3815,"The second best """"asm"""" is """"sarc.""""
"
224978,"i order a pizza online and under special requests i write: """"tell me the meaning of life"""". when the door bell rings there's only an empty box
"
59980,"What's the most positive thing in Harlem? HIV.
"
116673,"Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
"
132163,"The opposite of Iceland is water water
"
225006,"Justin Bieber.... I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to """"Justin Bieber - Baby"""". Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.
"
128811,"Goldfish 911: What's ur emergency? Goldfish: I forgot Goldfish 911: Forgot what? Goldfish: WHO IS THIS? Goldfish 911: I DON'T KNOW
"
181611,"Oh you're sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who's sick.
"
6360,"I've heard that 1 in 3 people have a pedophile as a neighbour. But that can't be right because my neighbours are sexy 5 and 7 year olds.
"
109386,"knock knock who's there? To To who? AH AH AH, to whom
"
110936,"What's the difference between autumn and fall? The twin towers didn't autumn
"
108792,"The penis mightier than the sword. haha penis.
"
216794,"Today I met a woman with twelve breasts, sounds strange, dozen tit?
"
126007,"Scientists have proved that there are two things in the air that cause women to get pregnant. Their legs.
"
95643,"[airport] """"you should have used a tag"""" [a horse emerges on luggage belt] noone else has brought a horse linda [another horse appears] oh FFS
"
129408,"My doctor wrote me a prescription... It writes dailysex but my girlfriend insists it's dyslexia
"
114026,"*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher* DR: what happened EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon DR: WE'VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
"
80734,"Q: Why are blondes like corn flakes? A: Because they're simple easy and they taste good.
"
206815,"How do you catch a refrigerator? Well then you better go catch it! Hahaaa
"
1273,"My condolences for you and your family through this difficult transition is why my wife won't let me send back wedding RSVP cards.
"
109744,"I can't find a reason to vote for the (D) or (R) candidate for President, and now Libertarian Gary Johnson's campaign slogan, 'Feel the Johnson' just rubs me the wrong way.
"
211566,"How do you circumcise a Texan? Kick his sister in the jaw.
"
27023,"What's the problem with Java jokes? They have no *class*.
"
221113,"I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the shit out of each other because it's negative.
"
222686,"Bernie Sanders If I had a nickel for every time a redditor posted about something Bernie Sanders, I'd be the kind of person he is always smearing. A BILLIONAIRE!
"
4614,"I present to you the world's shortest poem, entitled """"Fleas"""". Adam had'em.
"
64387,"I have found a cure for people suffering from Attention Deficit Disorder... ... just send them to concentration camps.
"
25722,"So I heard my gf fart for the first time...she denied it But I had already decided earlier, I'd never argue with my imaginary gf.
"
19756,"Have you heard about the goodweather witch?  She's forecasting sunny spells.
"
52465,"Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I'm eating right now
"
126186,"#BrexitIn5Words He's just not into EU
"
17249,"At this point I'm a little offended the lady at #Chipotle still asks what I want. This is my 4th burrito today. Bitch, I know you know me.
"
206452,"What has 10 letters and starts with gas? """"automobile""""
"
43931,"What was the precursor to USB? USA
"
37900,"You can't boss me around until you're older than the whiskey I drink. -subtweet to my GF
"
122361,"What do you call two hobos hitting each other with cardboard Pillow Fight
"
84622,"I recently broke up with my long term Japanese girlfriend... She didn't seem to understand so I had to drop the bomb on her twice.
"
19125,"What university did Lil Jon go to? YAAAAAAAAALE
"
164341,"[Meta] With lightbulb lifetimes increasing with no obvious limit, will """"how many ___ does it take to change a lightbulb"""" jokes speak to coming generations?
"
173174,"RIP boiling water You will be mist
"
163608,"What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis
"
223593,"I found a TV on the sidewalk in front of a house. The owner had left a note. """"Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full."""" I thought to myself, """"I can't turn that down!""""
"
228111,"I overheard Oedipus swearing like a sailor... ...so I asked him, do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
"
166880,"When people say """"surreal"""" they mean """"real"""", it's just most of your life is not very real, just repetition and routine.
"
29784,"I love the queen in chess... I always mate with her.
"
73631,"""""We don't serve faster than light neutrinos here."""" A neutrino walks into a bar.
"
75533,"Q: How was the pig defeated in court? A: Oinkontroverible evidence against it and oinkonsistencies in the defense.
"
11452,"What is Obama's last name? care
"
101157,"One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb
"
36000,"If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I'ma need one of you to make good on the """"I'll help you hide a body"""" promise.
"
125049,"help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling """"BEHOLD!""""
"
19810,"In my spare time I help blind children. I mean the verb, not the adjective.
"
127277,"I asked a wise man about the secrets to success.. He explained """"There are two things in the world that you need to know to be successful. The first is never tell anyone everything you know""""
"
223326,"Anti... ...Cipation!
"
159774,"I don't get why it's called a super moon It doesn't even have a cape
"
139645,"What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a  serpent ? A snake in the brass !
"
153270,"I don't think I'll beheading to the Middle East any time soon.
"
22418,"Do teardrop facial tattoos prevent crying? If so, I'm getting a urine stream tattooed down my leg so I'll stop wetting the bed.
"
66771,"How did the dollar bill feel when his change started disappearing? Coincerned
"
123141,"Life hack: Stare into your Uber driver's eyes through the rear view mirror the entire time.
"
70205,"How do you make a nun pregnant? You fuck her.
"
208849,"A skelington walks into a bar orders a beer and a mop
"
38691,"My TV makes me wonder what song Samsung.
"
81872,"Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he's married
"
15906,"What did the little acorn say when it got planted and grew up? Geometry.
"
84748,"If any ladies out there need jars opened or items from a high shelf, HomeDepot sells rubber grips & ladders. -match.com bio
"
4825,"When you're accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don't reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
"
192732,"Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.
"
144666,"Did you hear about the woman who was shot 24 times in the back?! They say she got up afterwards, putting her clothes back on, and exclaimed """"Wow, your reload time is *amazing*!""""
"
125044,"Modern feminism.
"
171034,"What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?  Sleep in the wardrobe.
"
153624,"What did the Englishman call the hilarious Slav? Top Vlad.
"
180958,"Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
"
216234,"DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
"
6515,"How did the captain of the u-boat announce to his crew that there were no more passports to go around? This sub has officially run out of IDs.
"
16687,"Edison didn't fail at making a lightbulb, he found 10,000 ways that don't work. Number 7,511 will shock you!
"
136325,"How do you get into a pool full of women? Easy, it's called muff diving.
"
112827,"If you thought 9/11 was bad..... The UK might lose a whole country today
"
140950,"What do you call a group of Amish children? Amlets. (I'll see myself out)
"
76216,"What do you call a dog with no legs? You don't call him anything, we both know that he's not coming
"
28218,"Why do zombies always kill at comedy clubs? Because their jokes are told post-humorously!
"
100565,"Either the kids on my street were playing with sidewalk chalk, or this is a crime scene and a bunch of stars and cats just got murdered.
"
185355,"What did the terrorist say to the police before he blew up the building? C4 yourself!
"
206012,"Get two dogs and name them 'one' and 'two'. Because if one runs away, you'll still have two.
"
148923,"Japan just had an earthquake, I saw it on TV. It was a ground breaking news
"
58072,"While driving, I hit a car driven by a little person. He ran up to me and said """"Hey asshole! I'm not happy!"""", to which I replied.... ....""""So which one *are* you then? """"
"
171714,"Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
"
142828,"I know a woman with an uncontrollable sexual desire towards books. She's an infomaniac
"
110286,"My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. It's not a very good poem, but it's very deep.
"
40363,"Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. Anyone who bought WiFi please google """"Fatal Engine Error:38"""" & come to Cockpit ASAP. Thanks
"
207872,"I can't stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you're coming to my room.
"
155110,"Russia and Ukraine. What did Russia say to Ukraine? Go Crimea River.
"
52763,"Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. Happy Holidays Fun!
"
42688,"Why is it better to be ashy? cause it just means you spit more fire
"
107289,"Totally thought I was on the phone with my mom for an hour today. Was Daniel Day Lewis the whole time. Damn he's good.
"
183932,"Why are they called The Fine Bros? Because they try to get everyone fined for copyright.
"
162496,"I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say """"Are you kidding me"""" he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
"
140313,"If a proctologist works part time at KFC.... Is it still finger licking good?
"
110374,"Someone bought Scrooge a clock for Christmas. He put it straight in the bank. Why did he do that? He was trying to save time!
"
183562,"I went for a job interview in a Art Gallery today, but the interviewers seemed to hate everything about me. I didn't really paint a good picture of myself.
"
191579,"What's the difference between jam and marmalade? I can't marmalade my cock into my girlfriend's arse
"
189328,"Dam's biggest dilemma... Dammed if I do, damned if I don't.
"
225262,"Some people post because they need attention and validation. Not me. (Thanks for reading this, the Like' button is below)
"
97038,"A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. """"Ha, ha!"""" says the nun, removing her costume. """"I'm the bus driver!""""
"
119385,"I asked my friend from New Zealand how many times he'd had sex... but he fell asleep before he could tell me.
"
13981,"An old favorite I just remembered What the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat.
"
130118,"Zuckerberg's next aquisition will be twitter to complete his WTF trilogy.
"
124202,"I'm really upset that Vine is getting shut down, because I won't be able to use the phrase, """"do it for the Vine"""" anymore... """"Do it or I'll fucking kill you"""" just doesn't have the same ring to it.
"
207098,"My Mother texted me and asked """"What does TTYL mean?""""... I replied, """"Talk to you later"""". So she responded, """"No! Talk to me now! What does it mean?""""
"
204120,"My college advisor asked me if I've ever been abroad Nope, I've been a man my whole life.
"
175123,"When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a """"mean drunk"""" or a """"happy drunk."""" Gets me out of it every time.
"
176289,"[walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again
"
150121,"Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
"
99810,"I went to my doctor. He said I was overweight. I said I want a second opinion. He said you're ugly too.
"
179648,"Cigarette's killed my wife. She was run over by the Marlboro truck.
"
102671,"My wife was abducted by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to her.
"
197969,"Why did the samurai hate nonsense? Because he was a sensei.
"
903,"Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to """"Hey Arnold""""
"
220495,"What's the worst part about a rape joke? The rape.
"
29518,"What kind of bird opens doors ? A kiwi !
"
97215,"If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
"
160720,"If I had a dollar for every time someone over 40 told me my generation sucks... I wouldn't have to give so many blowjobs.
"
34280,"The most positive subreddit award goes to... /r/hiv
"
36431,"Me: It's not illegal to be rude to cops. Them: Well, if you poke a bear, what do you expect? Me: That's why we don't make bears cops.
"
72458,"I usually turn down the volume on my car radio when searching for an address, as if the house will shout out to me as I approach.
"
76595,"What did James Potter say to his wife when she told him she's been cheating with one of his friends ? ARE YOU FUCKING SIRIUS ?
"
90344,"I just had my iPhone stolen. I wish I thought of this before. Best way to prevent iPhone theft? Make it look like a BlackBerry.
"
100845,"I haven't spoken to my wife in weeks... I didn't want to interrupt her.
"
223140,"[at party] friend: is dave coming? me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia? Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
"
110763,"What does a man with a cow under his nose have? A moostache (That was udderly terrible)
"
90033,"i put the """"alcohol"""" in """"me""""
"
96219,"If you have a parrot and you don't teach him to say """"Help, they turned me into a parrot"""" you wasting everybody's time Shamelessly stolen from /r/funny
"
22506,"What do you get when you cross a slaughterhouse worker and a bad comedian? A bunch of butchered jokes
"
149074,"wow if you dont pronounce 'testicles' like its the name of a greek warrior
"
130547,"How many women does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't care. You pick
"
85791,"""""Musically,I was inspired by the fax machine."""" - Nicki Minaj
"
116581,"Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
"
136954,"What do you get when you sit under a cow? A Pat on the head
"
64539,"I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of WNBA history.
"
96538,"""""You know why I pulled you over?"""" """"Does anyone know why anyone's pulled over?"""" """"Wow. You're free to go."""" """"Is anyone free?"""" """"Oh you're good.""""
"
118093,"There have been a lot of pro nazi posts on here lately Anne Frankly I'm sick of it
"
142340,"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture
"
226147,"What do you call a black guy flying an airplane? A pilot... You fucking racist
"
157027,"I'm Sorry Miss Jackson I'm sorry miss jackson I am four eels Never meant to make your daughter cry I am several fish and not a guy
"
1879,"What day do most mothers give birth? Labor day.
"
161694,"Mute the voices in your head by eating really crunchy food.
"
141556,"It's so insane that humans go to dark rooms to watch humans pretend to be other humans
"
37049,"If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said """"sorry to Bale on you"""" then I don't think he is living life to the fullest.
"
35328,"There are 10 types of people in this world... ... those who can read binary those who can't and those who weren't expecting a ternary joke Edit: word
"
102356,"Autocorrect changed """"baby rattle"""" to """"baby battle"""" and now I'm googling where to buy tiny weapons.
"
93890,"I believe in the vagina like other people believe in God I've never seen one before, but I have faith.
"
38676,"Not wearing condoms because the world needs more people like you.
"
72211,"The fact that twitter is at it's busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
"
172991,"Why did Jesus look so ripped during Crucifixion? CrossFit
"
147593,"[Ouija Board] Me: Spirit, answer this one questiondo you like me? Board: R E A D 1 2 : 3 7 P M
"
70904,"I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.. Then it hit me.
"
223781,"I like putting my feet on Ottomans. I mean they deserve it after what they did to Constantinople. Footstools shouldn't conquer empires.
"
25643,"I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.
"
130706,"When can you count on a hamburger in an  emergency? When the chips are down!
"
4846,"just got my nipples pierced! and they gave me a discount because I have so many!
"
4998,"I don't like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won't stand them.
"
160809,"Really, auto correct, you don't recognize curse words? Grow the fuvk up.
"
93704,"How do you know Princess Diana has dandruff? They found her Head and Shoulders in the glovebox.
"
142155,"A word in this sentence is misspelled. Misspelled.
"
138534,"I asked the guy in the Santa suit why he was following me around. He said he was Christmas stalking.
"
82758,"Text REDCROSS to a girl and be like"""" oops wrong number, I was trying to donate for the 5th time today"""" then she'll sex you guaranteed.
"
116802,"Wait a sec...That's not how the proverb goes! A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. But once it breaks, you have two really strong chains, which, in some ways, is more useful.
"
98607,"""""Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,"""" says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
"
12584,"What do you call a person who is outstanding in their field? A farmer
"
176526,"I want to become a waiter so I can hear a lot of people say """"Ish reaahy ghuud.""""
"
31587,"Damn girl, are you a haunted house? Because I'm scared to come inside you.
"
166441,"I think my microwave's broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
"
11391,"I can odd. But I can't even.
"
183265,"Walter Jr. had to use both feet to operate the pedals. He was braking bad.
"
117160,"Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
"
190239,"What do you call it when you cover your penis in postage stamps? Junk mail. (Credit to one if my FB friends)
"
120939,"An Eskimo walks into a bakery and orders an apple pie, a cherry pie and a blueberry pie. The baker says, """"sorry, we don't serve Eskimo pies here.""""
"
107399,"Why are british employees fat Because they get paid by the pound
"
96563,"Do you know why the self driving car crashed? It had a bad driver.
"
63752,"Explain joke What is a bee's favorite game? Hive and seek
"
30856,"I'm going to change my name to Sparta so when I get introduced to people they can say """"This is Sparta.""""
"
185946,"Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states """"A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal""""
"
957,"I accidentally left a butt plug up her ass for 2 weeks... No shit
"
40309,"a little jewish boy asks his dad for fifty dollars. his dad says: """"40 dollars? what do you need thirty dollars for?""""
"
32612,"Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it's May 13th and it's currently snowing here.
"
184685,"My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison. To this day he still isn't a free mason.
"
20642,"12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn't Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy
"
86532,"So I walked into the pharmacy the other day... because I needed to grab some condoms. As I was checking out, the clerk asked, """"do you need a bag for that?"""" I replied, """"Nah, she's not that ugly.""""
"
49120,"What's 6.9? A good thing screwed up by a period
"
106705,"Everclear songs are really easy to play on guitar It's because their dad's weren't around to give them music lessons.
"
6251,"What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you pick up anything with that?
"
105164,"Two hipsters walked into a bar. One did it before it was cool and the second did it ironically.
"
59857,"Me: will I find true love? Ouji Board: A R E Y O U H U N G R Y Me: dammit grandma not now
"
84789,"The first rule of Tautology club... The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club. ^credit^to^xkcd^[here](http://xkcd.com/703/)
"
185091,"Why did six take seven with her to social events? Seven was her """"plus 1""""
"
73292,"I'm writing a poem about the first time I masturbated. Can someone think of something that rhymes with, """"I was taken away by an ambulance""""?
"
41884,"My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. I am jobless now.
"
45309,"What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET? ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!
"
88582,"If your donkey ate my chicken's feet... You'd have two feet of my cock in your ass.
"
134324,"How many accident-prone people does it take to change a lightbulb? We're on our sixth.
"
72304,"What did the homeless man get for Christmas? Hungry.
"
202749,"My grandmother said she would give birth to my mother when the time machine was invented. Apparently she lied.
"
55238,"Oral Misgivings Q: How can you tell if your date really digs oral sex? A: She hikes up her skirt every time you yawn.
"
139643,"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number, you wouldn't have heard of it
"
11811,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Coda ! Coda who ? Coda paint !
"
14010,"The Simpsons will never run out of money. Homer's always bringing home the D'oh!
"
142292,"I'm pretty sure my parents are getting me a sweater for Christmas, but I really would have preferred a moaner or screamer.
"
114933,"Today I forgot to comb my hair, but people thought I was nice. Then, nothing of consequence happened. So today was every Michael Cera movie.
"
177994,"I've learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals... I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
"
120293,"Hey bartender, I'll take an entendre... ...on second thought, make it a double.
"
134416,"British English Now British English will have only 3 vowels **A I O ... ** as it has left E U .... :)
"
56062,"I'm working on my second $million I finally gave up on the first.
"
85138,"Why didn't the lesbian go to the bread festival? She already gets two times the normal amount of yeast.
"
62504,"My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
"
168943,"What did the redditor do to a post? He rEDDITed it. I'll leave.
"
20421,"Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
"
90179,"What do you call a Muslim abortion clinic? Counter-terrorism
"
180297,"The average monkey swallows 7 spider-monkeys every single night.
"
171225,"What is the proudest body part? the veins
"
170595,"What can 9 out of 10 people agree on? gang rape
"
123909,"What do you call a one-legged Asian woman? Irene.
"
31260,"How did the Welshman find the sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying.
"
108111,"My mother is like cloud storage. Everyone shares her and i have no idea where she's located. Ps: I don't know if i phrased everything correctly.
"
188359,"Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day...
"
17392,"Saw Helena Bonham Carter walking down Wardour Street earlier looking every inch the mystical vagabond. Was tempted to rub her head for luck.
"
76863,"Freedom Isn't Free, So Stop Whining And Pay Your Taxes.
"
231037,"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? (None, they just beat the room for being black)
"
75674,"I took a class on procrastination There was always homework due next week  (.   .) 
"
160616,"Someone just gave me a CD rack, which would have been an awesome gift if this was 1994
"
155646,"Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls? Family reunions.
"
210393,"I had to Seymour Hoffman at the gas station today You know, Philip?
"
24102,"The gym called... He said he needed to be picked up
"
182804,"CD worms made tapeworms obsolete.
"
93569,"Sat here scratching my ass, spying on the neighbour washing her beaver, it dawns on me. We have some non-traditional pets on our cul-de-sac.
"
81178,"What do you call a clean, good looking well behaved monster? a failure!
"
55826,"You call it premature ejaculation, I call it being 15 minutes early.
"
199146,"TIL: Ropes can pass through themselves Ohh wait they can knot.
"
210609,"How many libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, the lightbulb has to pull itself up by the bootstraps and screw itself in
"
167300,"Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.
"
26194,"How do you start making big bucks? With a little doe
"
211107,"I bought some dog scented cologne the other day... Now I get all the bitches.
"
185070,"[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak] wife: """"it's so beautiful"""" me: """"can you believe they named this after a website?""""
"
151696,"You have 2,000 friends on FB and your profile pic was taken in the mirror? You couldn't find one of your """"friends"""" to take it?
"
147765,"Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don't end up like everyone I went to high school with.
"
202403,"I'm 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
"
186794,"KID:I drew you a picture! ME:What's this? KID:Our house. ME:What's the orange stuff? KID:Fire. ME:Why's the house on fire? KID:I wanna PS4.
"
106343,"My IQ score says I'm intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
"
6773,"this month's full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn't be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
"
117054,"Why is a gun better than a woman? You can buy a silencer for a gun
"
11490,"Alexander Godunov Is Alexander a good dancer?
"
137655,"So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie's parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
"
55334,"My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public... I said maybe.
"
205645,"I went to the doctor yesterday. He said that I had contracted a very serious illness. I then told him that I wanted a second opinion. He told me 'All right, you're ugly as well'.
"
171278,"A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, """"You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you."""" The grasshopper says, """"You've got a drink named Steve?""""
"
147861,"I'm guessing the person who decided to call it 'common sense' didn't know that many people.
"
181496,"Matthew McConaughey's acting secret is that he always just came
"
138391,"Women don't make good meteorologists because they're never wrong
"
53504,"My kids will be friends with people of all colors of the rainbow. That means no black people. (Credit goes to a person on either America's Got Talent or Britain's Got Talent, can't remember which)
"
229481,"So happy I got to see """"bucket list"""" added to the dictionary before I die.
"
186375,"*works out for six weeks *loses 2 lbs *eats a carrot *gains it back
"
227520,"Girls pants are like a cheap hotel... ... no ballroom.
"
88386,"Why did Adele cross the road? To say """"hello"""" from the other side. ::mic drop::::
"
95710,"Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
"
208725,"Why aren't there any pedophiles in Japan? Because they learned what happens when you touch a little boy.
"
150588,"Why don't blind people bungee jump? It scares the fuck out of the dogs.
"
171197,"If Satan ever loses his hair, there'll be hell toupee
"
131812,"My last gf was so Mexican... that I needed a glass of milk to toss her salad.
"
194197,"Sigmund Freud discovered the """"Freudian Slip"""" which in my opinion, was pure penis...I mean genius.
"
122864,"Which state has the smallest sodas? Minesoda
"
124710,"What holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
"
36336,"Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke's still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, """"Use the forks, Luke.""""
"
205094,"Why did the ghost get in the elevator? to raise his spirits
"
227565,"Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you're continuing to tweet.
"
74692,"A Comprehensive Guide on How to be Like Jesus 1. Be a carpenter. 2. Be a nice guy. 3. ??? 4. Prophet.
"
209088,"New Mexican word for today: Brief Today, my homie farted so hard, I could barely brief
"
214818,"Afroman was going to vote. But then he got high..
"
26881,"Stupid Autocorrect you're always posting some thong you didn't Nintendo
"
118702,"Did you hear about the ghoul's favorite hotel? It had running rot and mould in every room.
"
177601,"Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
"
150711,"How do you start an earthquake in East Africa? Shake Djibouti.
"
162176,"I'm never satisfied with my haircuts at first... ...but then they grow on me.
"
162914,"What do you call... What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? -Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin? -Dick in your mouth.
"
5872,"When I see 18 wheelers carrying something covered with a tarp, I just assume that it's an injured Transformer.
"
96352,"2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
"
176694,"I thought /r/TwoXChromosomes was a mental retardation subreddit. The posts didn't convince me otherwise
"
25590,"So i worked at the USPS...I'm apparently not the """"man"""" for the..... the sub its named for.
"
18503,"7 days without a pun... Makes one weak.
"
130570,"Every chair is a reclining chair when you're drunk.
"
47181,"Where do intergalactic keyboards go to drink? Space Bars
"
51496,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 ate 9. 7 also got herpes from 14 and stabbed 23 through 30 in a gang fight.
"
29984,"I painted my computer black to make it run faster. Plugged it in and high voltage sho(r)t it.
"
115467,"Did you hear about the factory run by a hangman? All work has been suspended.
"
108694,"What is a moo hoo for steak that came late?  Filet delay!
"
43036,"What letter do pirates guess most often on Wheel of Fortune? T. Modern pirates are most likely based in Somalia, and T is the most common consonant in the Somali Latin alphabet.
"
201810,"My wife thinks I have a gambling habit. She hasn't said anything, but I can bet that's what she is thinking.
"
177136,"Two cows are standing peacefully on a hill. """"Moo"""", pipes up the first cow. The second cow turns to her and says """"BITCH, I WAS GONNA SAY THAT!""""
"
4340,"Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor """"Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
"
112720,"My friends dog just died, he told me he wanted another one just like him... ...why whould you want another dead dog?
"
112368,"What do Ethiopian's and a pair of jeans have in common? They both have flies on them.
"
3058,"Confucius say... ...sex on beach is like American beer, very near water.
"
56972,"[my dad and my 3 yr old daughter] Him: Hey sweetie how've you been? Her: I have a boyfriend Me: lmao *my daughter and I high five*
"
216217,"This Vietnamese couple I knew got married... Luckily for them they shared the same last name so it wasn't a big hassle for either of them. It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.
"
25525,"What is brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
"
46260,"What do you call an April Fool's!
"
101869,"If a family's last name is Smear, do the kids call their grandpa Pap Smear?
"
121698,"NSFW - What's the worst thing to hear.... What's the *worst* thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson? """"I'm not Willie Nelson.""""
"
12650,"North Korea's ability to go through with its threats are as poor as the punchline of this joke.
"
222417,"Two windmills are in a field... ...And one says to the other, """"Hey, do you like football?"""" The other one replies, """"Yeah, I'm a big fan"""".
"
188204,"what do you call a rodent that smokes weed? A Hemp-ster
"
34983,"I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
"
120816,"My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
"
152232,"How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU WANNA GO RIDE BIKES??
"
156621,"What is a pirates nightmare date? A girl with a sunken chest and no booty
"
219385,"I bought some Bose stocks today. It was a sound investment.
"
87716,"I had a chat with my ex-girlfriend last night. He's doing really well.
"
83409,"How does Donald Drumpf change a lightbulb? He doesn't. He hires people with long fingers to do it for him.
"
184920,"how did the hipster burn his tongue? He sipped his coffee before it was cool
"
16585,"For some reason, the Disney movie """"101 Dalmatians"""" was much more popular than it's sequel """"Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.""""
"
71161,"TIL of a soccer player that is never invited to any parties He is just too messi
"
85766,"What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? Can I hold your hand hand hand hand?
"
201085,"Why do you duct tape guinea pigs? So they don't burst when you fuck them
"
114341,"Do you know the 6 states of matter? 1. Solid 2. Liquid 3. Gas 4. Plasma. 5. BoseEinstein condensate 6. Black Lives
"
224298,"what do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
"
69002,"I took a """"Which Friends character are you?"""" quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
"
80099,"Trump was recently asked his opinion on Roe vs. Wade... He thought it was two different ways to get across the Potomac.
"
43189,"What's E.T. short for? Because he's got little legs.
"
63657,"Did you hear about the basketball player that fell in love with a midget? He was nuts over her!
"
37451,"I just put up a white board in my house... wanted to make the place a bit more classy
"
79731,"*knocks on bathroom stall wall* Forgive me father, for I have sinned. """"Huh? What?"""" It's been 3 days since my last- [sound of diarrhea]
"
155471,"When Obama declared war on Ebola, an executive producer at Fox News tried to find it on google maps.
"
117019,"When I retire I plan to study oceanography. (I'll eat like a shark, drink like a fish and lay on the beach like a whale)
"
99962,"Do you want to join my pistol club? We drink till noon and piss till two.
"
52355,"If you crush a cockroach, you're a hero. If you crush a beautiful butterfly, you're a villain. Morals have aesthetic criteria.
"
113683,"What did the optimist say to his doctor when he found out he had lung cancer? """"Well, I'll deal with this asbestos I can!""""
"
139447,"Last night I lay in bed ...looking up at the beautiful stars shining in the night sky. And I thought to myself... Where the heck is the ceiling?!?
"
33249,"The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn't leave the oven on.
"
22424,"Have you heard of the Austrian man Duerf? He was the world's leading reverse psychologist
"
190561,"My wife has a tatoo of a shell on the inside of her thigh If you put your ear against it you can smell the sea
"
96734,"Have you heard the rope joke? Skip it.
"
114798,"How many feminists does it take to screw a vegan? Lightbulb.
"
16628,"Why couldn't JFK become a boxer? Because he couldn't take a shot to the head!
"
129956,"Who can't tell the difference between short and long? This subreddit mods
"
123558,"How are spinach and anal sex alike? Chances are if you didn't like it as a child, you're not going to like it as an adult.
"
23057,"Why'd the band teacher go to jai? Because he fingered A-minor
"
36102,"What is a perfect society formed by a Asian called? A Yutopia
"
191835,"How does a mathematician deal with constipation? The same way he deals with all his other problems. He works it out with a pencil.
"
89668,"If it lasts 4 hours I'm not only callin a Dr, I'm callin everybody!!
"
129910,"Noah: A boat? God: Yes. Noah: Two of every animal? God: Yes. Noah: I have a better idea. God: What. Noah: Maybe don't kill everyone.
"
152457,"Why does my computer always ask me if I'm """"sure"""" about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
"
163334,"I'm high as a kite tied to Columbia... ...will explode any time.
"
45252,"billy joel: we didn't start the fire detective: I haven't mentioned a fire billy joel: shit
"
17284,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
"
120872,"What kind of letters do feminists send? Hate male.
"
166471,"My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping. I'm crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
"
182389,"No matter how you behave with people around you. They will love you according to their NEED and MOOD
"
103050,"Sorry! Just saw these texts now! Hope your birthday party, Christmas and wedding were great!
"
52310,"[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers] Mario: You-a kill my father! Wario: No. I am-a your father. Mario: Mama-mia!
"
9640,"What do you call.. What do you call toothless bear. A gummy bear!
"
99451,"mars: I'm wet.... NASA: I'm coming over!
"
228816,"I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.
"
41028,"I wanted to have a threesome.. ..but then I came to the realization, if I wanted to disappoint two people I'd just have dinner with my parents.
"
134628,"What's a similarity between obese people, and my relationships with women? They don't work out.
"
61520,"What do you call a short Mexican? A paragraph, because they're too short to be an es'e
"
178268,"Where does Neckwear go on vacation? Thailand.
"
65286,"I've started a glass coffin manufacturing business. My friend asked me if I thought it would be successful. I replied """"remains to be seen"""".
"
74735,"I'm 2/3 virgin.
"
50750,"Glad my parents spent 100k on my education so now I can type """"c u @ 2"""" to my pot guy.
"
50879,"Sure laying me down on a """"Bed of Roses"""" sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
"
137399,"what do you call a fat guy telling all his friends that hes gay for the first time? coming out of the pantry! i dunno if this is the kinda stuff you guys like, but i had to share it with someone.
"
173346,"I recently bought a dog from a Blacksmith... And as soon as I got him into the house he made a bolt for the door
"
9869,"Studies show... Studies show that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.
"
69496,"What's the difference between a sniper with bad eyesight and a constipated owl? One shoots but can't hit, the other hoots but can't sh...
"
6768,"When I met my wife I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves.
"
23209,"What's black, white, and red all over? Two nuns in a chainsaw battle.
"
34086,"The Lakers
"
230584,"What do you call tree porn? Entai.
"
144968,"3 men walk into a bar, bartender say... How'd you get in here
"
178685,"Why did the philanthropist learn how to subtract? Because he wanted to make a difference. My first original, time for open mic!
"
116727,"I wonder how deep North Korean influence runs in america. Anyone could be a sleeper asian
"
231258,"In Texas we pronounce it """"nu-que-lur"""" I'm often harassed about how I pronounce nuclear but I think fair is fair. If Yankees can have silent letters I don't see how come we can't have invisible ones!
"
30176,"You can tell a lot about a person.. by not keeping their secrets.
"
137412,"What is the photographer's favorite car? Ford Focus
"
97649,"What do you call someone who tells you they've successfully broken the Law of Excluded Middle? **WRONG.** ^... ^or ^^right, ^^^or ^^^^something ^^^^^in ^^^^^^between.
"
186635,"Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn't seem to work as well for him.
"
311,"Don't you just hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
"
153909,"Nintendo managed something astonishing in this week's Nintendo Direct announcements... People finally gave a shit about Cloud based gaming.
"
185834,"I should post a History joke But you have probably already heard it before.
"
173642,"I like the term """"making a name for yourself"""" It implies your parents were wrong.
"
155874,"What did the cheese maker say when his vat got dumped to the floor? That's no gouda
"
220248,"Opening a Christian gym called 'Jehovah's Fitness
"
3108,"What do you called a piano someone pissed in? A peeano.
"
226899,"I finally figured out why your sister is not a ballet dancer... Because every time she does a split, she sticks to the floor.
"
90657,"When God closes a door, He usually makes sure my fingers are in it.
"
58782,"What's the best part about fucking 28 year olds? There's 20 of em'
"
37223,"Why is Tumblr so odd? Because they can't even.
"
8497,"My Welsh mate was found dead yesterday. He died the way he would have wanted to go... He passed away peacefully in his sheep
"
167216,"When is the best time to eat fast food? *Fri*day!
"
124923,"Did you hear about the guy who lost his shovel? His name was Douglas
"
62817,"Why was being a soprano a requirement to becoming a pirate? It made it easier to deal with high C's
"
15973,"Relationships are like onions They seem harmless on the outside but once you get into it you'll cry.
"
5938,"I like my hookers like I like my treasure... Buried.
"
199076,"Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
"
96572,"Whats yellow and survives on dead beetles Yoko Ono
"
24452,"My husband says shaving his legs gives him an advantage when cycling, but I don't get how the high heels and pantyhose help.
"
82078,"Hey, is your computer running? Well, you better go catch it!
"
99414,"New acronym we need: IDOCHBEI """"I'm doing okay considering how bad everything is."""" Pronounced: """"ih-DOCK-bay""""
"
125725,"Wife: Are you drunk? Me: I know this is a trick question so I'm going with no. Why? W: Because you're naked on the neighbors porch. M:...
"
213215,"Stupid people aren't flammable enough.
"
133984,"My friend's boyfriend is an optometrist and a sadomasochist. She says he's a real sight for sore eyes even though he can be a pain in the ass.
"
34649,"Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I'll start a fire.
"
161561,"What do you call a Dothraki mathematician Khal culator
"
108868,"Why can't you trick an aborted baby? Because it was not born yesterday.
"
32097,"Life is an internet. 30 days after you met she wants you to register and begins taking taxes every month.
"
195284,"What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.
"
17895,"A man takes his shoe off in church... Man 1: *takes off shoe and starts peering inside of it* Man 2: """"What the problem?"""" Man 1: *Sighs* """" I guess i'm just having some problems with my inner-sole """"
"
182190,"Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone  know any good porn sites?
"
214257,"Where can you find Scandinavia? Right next to Printdinavia and Copydinavia.
"
96372,"B: Girl you so fine, I rate you a 9 3/4. G: Why? B: Because I wanna put myself in you. Harry Potter pickup line
"
206106,"To you Star Trek fans: what does the Star Ship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both search around Uranus for Klingons
"
194654,"Not to brag, but I don't even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
"
12205,"'I'm Spartacus' 'No I'm Spartacus' 'I am Spartacus' 'I AM Spartacus' 'I'm Spartacus' 'Look I just need someone to sign for the package'
"
14695,"Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will """"change contestants lives FOREVER""""...and it's a brain swap with a cow.
"
16802,"What is an astronaut's favorite power tool? An orbital sander
"
123622,"How many Donald Trumps does it take to screw a light bulb I don't know but to screw a country it only takes one
"
134606,"What's an emo's favourite laptop? A """"Razer Blade""""
"
140040,"Lord, give me patience because if you give me strength then I'm gonna need some bail money on the side.
"
26910,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cartoon ! Cartoon who ? Cartoon up just fine she purrs like a cat !
"
198769,"I like my women the way I like my milk... Four months old and smelling like fish.
"
60248,"What do you call a fragile camera? A glass Canon.
"
43884,"What do you call two doctors with colds? An ironic paradox.
"
69520,"What do you call Ralph Nader's alter ego? His alter-nader
"
103158,"Nancy Grace just called pot smokers """"fat and lazy"""". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
"
70623,"A man's wife died. friend asked what happend He said, she fell out from windows; as she was not drinking the poison.
"
23873,"Don't forget to use social media to say Happy Fathers Day to your father who doesn't use social media and won't see it
"
217574,"i took a STD test today Turns out i pass with hepatitis A, i know what you're thinking and no i didn't cheat off the asian girl.
"
20636,"Q: What does a proud computer call his  little son? A: A microchip off the old block.
"
77294,"What starts with F and ends with UCK FIRETRUCK!1!1!1!!!1!1!!!!1!1!1!!!!1!1!1!!
"
131529,"The first person who pulled an egg out from under a chicken's ass and ate it must have been really fucking hungry.
"
48431,"If bullshit could float...you'd be the Admiral of the fleet! 
"
180355,"Use promo code NETFLIX to get 50% off your next midterm or exam Title
"
123676,"What does a horny toad say? Rubbit
"
177790,"Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
"
80160,"What's the difference between Finebros and Humiliation pornstars? Humiliation pornstars get the money they want.
"
112366,"What kind of weed do reptiles smoke? Mariguana.
"
144041,"What did the short boy bring to high school? A ladder.
"
130529,"Why can't Donald Trump get elected? Because no Juan will vote for him.
"
117816,"3 guys walked into a bar... I was outside, i didn't see what happend...
"
138570,"Hillary Clinton asked the debate moderator a knock knock joke... Knock knock. Who's there? Hill--. INTERRUPTING TRUMP!
"
222200,"Kids asked if they could do something & I said yes so my wife lowered my security clearance & now I'm not authorized to make those decisions
"
94754,"Why did the fisherman want to go fishing in Alaska? Just for the halibut.
"
23485,"ME: I have so many questions SOOTHSAYER: forsooth ME: Exactly lol S: SOOTH ME: Yeah so- S: Sooth? ME: You only say sooth eh S: *nods* sooth
"
94172,"Nobody's phone is ever off. They're lying.
"
23170,"Lebron James is going to be in Space Jam 2 It's going to be really weird when Lebron quits the Tune Squad and joins up with the Monstars midway through the movie
"
221817,"Dogs do their social networking on Assbook, via the World Wide Whiff.
"
49844,"What happened to the cold jellyfish ?  It set !
"
63691,"Why did the parrot fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.
"
89042,"Know why Jedi don't get married? Because they know divorce will be with them. Always.
"
206525,"I don't think I'm well-suited for this job as a newspaper editor. Even my blood is a Type O!
"
148914,"I just got a new job at a prison library. It has its prose and cons.
"
90114,"Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.
"
128659,"The upstairs neighbors were making a lot of noise one night and my wife says she's going to go get the broom. To which I reply """"Are you going to fly up there and complain?""""
"
186059,"What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
"
56206,"Why did Bill Clinton cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
"
148325,"We now have TWO Wawa's by the interstate. The one on the east side of I4 is not so bad. But the other one, whoa. It's the Wawa West over there.
"
180351,"presidents day is just a holiday created by """"Big President"""" to get us to buy more presidents
"
158617,"My Grandfather never had a good reason to go fishing. He did it just for the halibut.
"
37364,"What rhymes with orange no it doesn't.
"
71898,"Nurse pops her head into the doctor's office..... Nurse: 'Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room.' Doctor: 'Tell him I can't see him.'
"
185801,"A Frenchman has a wife and a lover He loves his lover the most. An Englishman has a wife and a lover, he loves his wife the most. A Jewish man has a wife and a lover, he loves his mother the most.
"
145920,"Can /r/jokes start using NSFW tags for jokes with crude humor/language?
"
187652,"What does the """"L"""" stand for in Samuel L. Jackson? Motherfucking It stands for motherfucking
"
47747,"Dumb one-liner of the day: I imagine veterinarians who treat ducks put up with a lot of undeserved grief.
"
221589,"Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
"
95623,"What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeye.
"
16944,"My friend says he has the biggest brain in the world. I think it's all in his head.
"
212234,"If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.
"
117610,"ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back? GF: Yep M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
"
68749,"There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.
"
134136,"What trees do skeletons like? S*pine* trees!
"
119825,"If anyone asks, I'm drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
"
183348,"I'm at the phase of Christmas where I'm looking at stuff in my house and going """"I could just wrap that.""""
"
100468,"Why did the pervert cross the road? Because he had his dick stuck in a chicken
"
159414,"""""My microwave is broken"""" -Abraham Lincoln
"
185510,"Two Flordia football players have been suspended for Saturday's game vs. Tennessee for refusing to take a urine test... I guess you might say urine or your out.
"
167026,"WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened? ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
"
87323,"""""even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill."""" - my first and last day as a defense attorney
"
27536,"I put on my pants just like you, reluctantly, when the doorbell rings.
"
70148,"Minnesota has 4 seasons Almost winter, winter, almost summer, and road construction.
"
117931,"Why I love circular logic... Because I love circular logic!
"
193828,"How many South American's does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A Brazilian.
"
43788,"My internet bride got delivered today.. she's the WiFi always dreamed of.
"
188120,"Q: What do outlaws eat with their milk? A: Crookies.
"
132759,"How do you annoy a Reddittor? repost
"
130603,"What do you think Mozart is doing right now? Decomposing.
"
127287,"Apparently a lion has won a talent show in South Africa The judges said it had roar talent
"
118874,"What's the best thing about 21 year olds in bed? There's 21 of them
"
83108,"Oscar Pistorious wanted to get his bathroom door replaced But his wife was dead against it
"
135700,"What do you call a can after it completes college? A graduated cylinder.
"
209998,"What does America and my Milk have in common? Both will go bad in 9 days.
"
174079,"You can't run through a camping ground. You can only *ran* because it's past tents.
"
122029,"Which color do Colombian communists hate the most? *Greengos*
"
99434,"How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call her and tell her all about it.
"
87146,"I don't care what your favorite song is, if you set it as the alarm you wake up to in the morning, you'll want to stab it with other songs.
"
174729,"Why haven't we sent a woman to the moon? It doesn't need cleaning
"
120264,"Which actor is always criticising churchgoers? Christian Slater.
"
39930,"Students of Chemistry Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says """"We don't serve noble gasses in here."""" Helium doesn't react.
"
9404,"How do you keep someone in suspense? I'll tell you later.
"
53299,"Two skeletons open up a pasta resteraunt to serve the afterlife. What's the resteraunt called? The Bone Zone.
"
65171,"There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
"
157689,"I bought some shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
"
96126,"A liberal, a moderate, and a conservative walk into a bar... the bartender says 'hey, Mitt.'
"
139492,"One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
"
37844,"Yo mamas so fat she walked in front of the tv and I missed 3 commercials.
"
222614,"My wife is not speaking to me. We watched an old video of our wedding and she realized that I said """"You'll do"""" instead of """"I do.""""
"
203829,"What do you call a gay vampire? A fruit bat.
"
50076,"I'm not a pessimist. I'm a depressed realist.
"
219848,"How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything? Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one? Me : Today's.
"
77480,"Why I'm leaving /r/jokes I'm going to bed
"
3561,"When your girlfriend says """"I love you"""" reply with """"I love you more!"""" Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
"
35564,"[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES - ASK US] ME: Yes, I'm here about the sausage polishing job?
"
155642,"What happens when you mix a joke and a rhetorical question?
"
38093,"[arguing with my wife] WELL AT LEAST I DON'T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
"
80951,"I need a """"your penis is so ugly..."""" Joke yep, thats what i need
"
184180,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the P is silent
"
55782,"Why is wintertime love making in Scandinavia dangerous? Your tongue might get stuck to a Pole.
"
117732,"Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic man? He lies awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
"
53085,"Guy goes to the doctor and says, """" I cnat siht!"""" The doctor says, """"Clearly, you are having problems with vowel movements.""""
"
27900,"Feminism is a broad issue.
"
39069,"My relationship with my Ex was purely psychological... She was a psycho and I was totally logical.
"
219952,"Have you heard the latest Unitarian Universalist miracle? Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
"
120275,"I'm 34 and live with my mom. Just kidding... ... I'm 33.
"
177363,"John Travolta looks like the type of guy that would leave his toupee in a truck stop urinal for hours and then wear it to a musical.
"
98164,"What happens on the first date with Bill Cosby? I don't remember
"
73640,"What's the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
"
204766,"Why couldn't the ex-CIA agent leave Russia? Because he was Snowden
"
38142,"I'm trying to channel my inner Kubrick for my next porno. I'm calling it """"A Cockwork Orange"""".
"
103959,"Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says """"Hashtag 301."""" Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
"
169623,"What's the best thing about a woman? She doesn't have a dick! I'm so, so sorry.
"
183500,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bootie ! Bootie who ? Bootieful downtown Burbank !
"
121912,"You know that you have a terrible sense of humor... when you find that click-baiting is funny
"
49961,"I just ate 2 lbs. of Greek yogurt in one sitting And people say I'm not cultured...
"
5869,"""""Daddy, are vampires real?"""" """"No, sweetie. Go back to bed."""" *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*
"
127799,"Prostitution work laws If a hooker gets pregnant, can she file compensation for an on the job """"accident""""?
"
228687,"Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I'm holding out until it's also a car wax.
"
165206,"""""What's the matter with your dinner ?"""" """"Can you describe it for me please in case I need to tell my doctor  later what I've eaten !""""
"
42759,"""""Nope, it needs more vowels"""" - Hawaiians
"
17537,"My mum at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you.  My mum in the morning: Wake the fuck up you lazy piece of shit.
"
116109,"*taps on your head* """"Is this think on?""""
"
106188,"my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
"
202762,"Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.
"
49865,"Why is hockey the bloodiest sport? It has three periods.
"
193639,"You know it's cold outside when you go outside and trip over dog poop instead of stepping in it.
"
49408,"Boy: You are the most funniest and most beautiful girl I have ever met. Girl: You just wanna f*ck me. Boy: Wow and smart  to.
"
23276,"Where do American bees store their honey? In a USBee hive. ~Thank my ten year old for that one.
"
12676,"Doctor, doctor, what can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar... I find that very hard to believe!
"
67316,"Knock knock! """"Who's there?"""" """"L.A."""" """"L.A. who?"""" """"L.A. who Akbar!""""
"
69579,"What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A flat miner
"
87036,"I can't understand my parents. I am 35 years old and they're still living with me.
"
15235,"Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
"
14387,"How do blind people know their ass is clean after they poop? One bark means clean, two means dirty.
"
156223,"What is the difference between michael jackson,and neil armstrong... neil armstrong was the first man to walk on the MOON,and michael jackson likes to fuck little boys in the ass.
"
76850,"What will Russians be cooking for Thanksgiving...? Turkey
"
79405,"Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
"
205523,"What did the boy gun say to the girl gun? Wanna bang?
"
160087,"Why did the lemon turn green? Because he had lime disease
"
217182,"Friend celebrated her birthday today by falling off an elephant in Thailand, if you thought I'm the weird one in my circle.
"
4966,"I just met a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds pretty freaky, *dozen tit.*
"
130621,"whats a frogs favourite type of shoe... open toaded shoes
"
212026,"Why were the Native Americans here first... ...because they had reservations.
"
140146,"Call me crazy, but I kinda like the way people look with their lips cut off
"
199647,"Putting random stuff in peoples carts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYmoaJoyZTo
"
209230,"How do all races end in the desert? In a cacti!
"
180286,"What do you call a square that's been beat up? A rekt-tangle
"
4529,"Success is like pregnancy... Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.
"
129938,"Hedgehogs Why can't they just share the hedge?
"
155971,"The Past, the Present and the Future walk into a bar... It was *tense*.
"
92742,"In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
"
51320,"Heard about the peanut that walked through Central Park It was a salted.
"
181418,"Classic nursery rhyme Jack and Jill went up a hill, each had a quarter. Jill came down with fifty cents, you think they went for water?
"
15737,"What do you call a Burberry Style Transforming Truck? Optimush Prime... Hahaaa.
"
155056,"I got a fishing pole for my wife I thought it was a pretty good trade.
"
89055,"What is the new LGBT flavor enhancer for cunnilingus? (wait for it ... wait for it ...) creme brulee
"
59272,"I wish I was filled with pepperoni but instead I am filled with guilt & despair
"
141302,"Did you know I am part of the 1% of Rare, Beautiful, handsome and modest people!
"
60446,"I could lose 120 pounds in less than a week, but apparently there's some kind of silly NewYork law against killing your ex.
"
122448,"""""What rhymes with California?"""" -Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song writing session ever
"
151122,"There's a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow - and lost.
"
11073,"Q. If a blonde and a brunette were falling off a building who would hit the ground first? A. The brunette because the blonde would stop for directions.
"
148392,"Friends: """"I need a new profile picture."""" Me: """"I need a new face.""""
"
125990,"A zombie ate the brain of a taekwondo master. The zombie said, """"Mmmm. That had a nice kick to it.""""
"
217719,"Bill: Where did you get that gold watch Joe? Joe: I won it in a race. Bill: How many people participated in it? Joe: Three a policeman the owner of the watch and me!!
"
108270,"Q: What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? A: They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
"
67382,"How did the fruits get married? They Cantaeloped!
"
86607,"Every time I text this guy, he replies with """"Sorry, I'm driving."""" It's been a few days. I'm guessing he's probably made it to Mexico by now.
"
10509,"How many immature people does it take to screw in a light bulb? 69.
"
169408,"Why did the Amish woman get pregnant? Because she was seeing too many Mennonite.
"
53840,"I Just got fired from the orange juice factory. They said I could not concentrate
"
67766,"What does the sign at a nudist Buddhist beach say? No [Bhikkhunis](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhikkhuni) allowed.
"
56903,"Just bought a copy of a talking holy book An Audibible.
"
65655,"If I had a dollar every time someone called me a racist, a lot of black people would try to rob me
"
110553,"What do you call a wireless network that goes down? A wireless notwork
"
127322,"What job can you see yourself doing? Inspecting mirrors
"
142112,"Mrs Brown: Who was that at the door?  Veronica: A lady with a baby in a buggy. Mrs Brown: Tell her to push off. """"
"
11940,"8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher? Me: Yes. 8yo: Where? Me:... 8yo: WHERE! 6yo: (from outside) It's spreading. Me: I'm up.
"
45537,"Your 'Chemistry' with your girlfriend is great if you remember her 'Periodic Table'.
"
146514,"A dwarf, that happens to be a mystic, escapes from prison. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.
"
186620,"I just said, """"who the hell is calling here at 9 o'clock at night?"""" and I died a little on the inside.
"
113671,"Monks teach peace and harmony, but they sure do seem to like resistance.. Ohmmmmmm.
"
152329,"Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini's cat
"
210733,"Why can't someone who wears glasses get a job? They don't have any contacts!
"
210268,"Some say I've """"gone off the rails,"""" or """"left the reservation,"""" or """"screwed the pooch,"""" or """"mixed my metaphors,"""" or """"launched the hot dog""""
"
148318,"What's the difference between the mailman and the priest? The mailman doesn't come on Sunday.
"
88371,"What's the most unsatisfying prank?
"
143284,"I can tell you how to view NSFW content while at your desk. Get to work, Michael! You're not getting paid to watch models who have """"MAGA"""" tattooed on their breasts.
"
163241,"I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today
"
31278,"Well they were right. If you shave around it it looks bigger Damn nose..
"
23827,"Have you ever had sex while camping? Its fucking in tents!
"
114963,"Two Italians are arguing They just keep saying """"You wanna pizza me?!""""
"
175799,"Why does 7 have an odd sense of humor? Because he abused when he was younger.. it's really quite sad.
"
138308,"What do gyms and prisons have in common? They're both full of ripped assholes.
"
190711,"Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
"
206264,"What is the difference between a man and a cat? One eats a lot, is lazy and doesnt care who brings the food. The other is a pet.
"
77172,"What is an archaeologist ? Someone who's career is in ruins !
"
121862,"What's the best part of running a marathon? Ha! You actually thought I ran a marathon! Jokes on you, I'm just drunk!
"
121838,"Three Nuns at a Bus Stop Three little old nuns were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man runs up and flashes them. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.
"
213415,"I want to die like my father; sleeping in peace ... Not like his passengers; screaming in fear.
"
117644,"I'm not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
"
77605,"The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel. Dinosaurs: We'll take those odds!
"
189787,"My phone wanted to auto correct, """"mos def"""" to """"most definitely."""" I swear, my phone has absolutely zero swag.
"
176250,"If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
"
228248,"If Silver Surfer and Iron man... If Silver Surfer and Iron man began working together, they'd be alloys
"
85617,"What should planes be made of to fend off islamists? Allahminium! Since Muslims cant desecrate anything with Allah on it!
"
65036,"Never marry a tennis player Love means nothing to them
"
201622,"You would not believe how many times Leonardo Da Vinci had to paint the Mona Lisa before he got one where she wasn't blinking
"
152779,"What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little white crackers.
"
99282,"There are 10 types of people in the world Those who can read binary, and those who can't.
"
132333,"What is the same about Subway and Jarred They both put 30 year old meat between 12 year old buns
"
183385,"i never make jokes about domestic violence they really hit close to home
"
87200,"Executioner : Due to the power-cut we'll be using the acoustic chair.
"
176093,"Know what's the best part about my supervisor having an identical twin? I get to watch him die twice.
"
141959,"How do you make a dead baby float? two scoops of ice cream one scoop of dead baby root beer
"
14107,"What do you call Batman skipping out on church? Christian Bail
"
156066,"What do you get if you cross Islam with Christianity? ||Islam|| ||Christianity|| sin** **n**
"
24618,"It can not get any worser. So I thought but as it seems I have really weak imagination.
"
215262,"A couple is lying in bed. The husband says, """"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.""""The wife replies,... ...""""I'll miss you.""""
"
142591,"*Librarian walks in* You know what's great kids? You don't need wifi to read a book! *Kids boo* *Someone in the crowd yells """"NERD""""*
"
169332,"I wish there was a way to musically tell someone to pour sugar on you but there isn't
"
79573,"Why doesn't anyone in [insert nations capital] use the toilet in the morning? So they have something to do at night.
"
39764,"Is that all? """"I wanna stab you."""" Huh? """"Cut your throat."""" What? """"Drink your blood."""" Um. """"Have your baby."""" Uh. """"Kidding! I'll have a coke.""""
"
50821,"My GF and I would kick ass at the newlywed game. I know 100% of her answers to questions is """" I don't know"""".
"
166722,"yeah well i hope you go to put your hair in a ponytail but the hair tie is too loose to hold it & not big enough to tie it another time
"
110295,"How to describe Mitt Romney in two sentences. I stand by what I said, whatever it is that I said. I deny saying that, whatever it is that I said.
"
25291,"I slapped a girl in the face at the bar last night ... She told me her name!! Edit: I made up this while waiting for GoT. Please don't get mad. ^I'm ^^pathic ^^^and ^^^^awkward.
"
38792,"What is the first symptom of AIDS? Pounding in the anus
"
2099,"TRUMP: Let's get that Muslim Band going """"Band? We thought you said ban"""" TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. Also, how's that Mexican mall coming?
"
145365,"Always borrow money from a Pessimist. He won't expect it back.
"
197996,"Civil War Jokes? Most of them are General-Lee stupid.
"
149660,"I had to pay $150 for the bowel prep medication before my colonoscopy. That shit was expensive. (Crosspost from r/funny. This fits better here.)
"
45720,"Why is star wars the most disgusting movie? Because its the most grossing.
"
120451,"""""IT'S NOT A RACE, YOU GUYS!"""" i yell from 6th place
"
183901,"What happens after it rains in gotham city? a waynebow.
"
99015,"A crazy girlfriend is like a box chocolates, They will both kill your dog.
"
195986,"What do you get if you cross a phone with a rooster? A wake-up call!
"
183084,"My boyfriend offered to do analingus if I'd trim a """"landing strip..."""" I told him he should be more worried about Skid Row.
"
41516,"In a cave, I found pictures of women's breasts, but when I touched them, a giant net fell on me. Damn booby trap.
"
213754,"My wife asked me what I wanted to do for Easter So I told her """"The same thing Jesus did. Disappear on Friday and come back on Sunday.""""
"
194097,"Why does America use Mexicans to pick our oranges? As we saw on Tuesday, it takes 1/2 of America to pick an Orange.
"
41124,"-Babe, I can't find the condom, what if we don't use it? -Sure, I'm ready to be a mother anyways. -No, no. Look, I found it!
"
119254,"What do you call Oprah on drugs? Doprah
"
127658,"Best blonde jokes?
"
220671,"Do you know why cops don't like to find winos that have been dead for more than two hours? The Ripple is flat.
"
186529,"If I was the editor of a magazine, I would put gametes on the cover Because sex cells.
"
960,"What do DNA and Diarrhea have in common? They both run in your jeans (genes)
"
32993,"Why do gay people smoke cigarettes? They love butts in their mouth
"
29619,"HELLO 911, I NEED TO REPORT A HALO SCORE THAT'S """"CRIMINALLY"""" HIGH LOL!!!! ... yes you can talk to my mom
"
204776,"I love these hot summer nights when you can open all the windows and fall asleep naked. I'm not sure my taxi driver appreciates it though.
"
105185,"Why couldn't the Duke of Esterhazy find his music composer? Because he was Haydn.
"
79082,"Handicap jokes are getting old And quite honestly, they're lame as fuck.
"
206998,"If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like """"get out of my Vulcan face"""" and """"are you Vulcan kidding me?""""
"
195441,"What did Kobe Bryant's teamates say to him while he was scoring 81 points? """"I'M FUCKING OPEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!""""
"
137657,"My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood... ...because she was a taxidermist.
"
117492,"What did Kanye West say when he saw the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones? Dat shit Frey.
"
119630,"What do you call a black man on the moon? *An Astronaut*
"
184269,"Who is the most basic Spice Girl? Pumpkin Spice.
"
12571,"I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
"
95723,"Why haven't you introduced me to your followers yet? Are you ashamed of me?
"
191101,"The Israeli Prime Minister I was Searching the Internet for some information about the Israeli Prime Minister, it seems he is Not-On-Yahoo.
"
141394,"What concert only costs 45 cents? 50 cent featuring Nickelback.
"
188637,"mermaid procreation how does a mermaid give birth? sea section
"
163473,"Flowers: Because nothing says """"sorry a loved one passed away"""" like something else that'll wither and die right in front of you
"
31759,"Not to brag but I can produce cute children. DNA and all. Call me?
"
96318,"How did people travel through Germany when Hitler was in power? Not sea. Get it? like Nazi. but not sea. get it?
"
75633,"Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It's true, I'm still glad I went with a bowling ball though
"
216519,"I think I'm going to sell my Theremin.. Haven't touched it in ages.
"
36075,"Me: Whatcha making? Mom: Dill bread. Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough? Mom: Get out.
"
114985,"Joke regarding Canada What's a Canadian's favourite weapon? An Eh k-47
"
192464,"Don't assume my personal politics because of a tweet. Trust me, I believe ALL politicians are equally full of shit.
"
105919,"doctor: here's your x-ray me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
"
128462,"Love's a lot like a bullet in that the exit usually causes the most damage.
"
228746,"Caller: Operator! Operator! Do you know my  boyfriend's line has been busy for an hour? Operator: No but if you hum a few bars I might be able to sing along with you.
"
35604,"I struggle with an intense fear of becoming disabled It's crippling
"
26316,"My preferred method of birth control is """"mood-killing repetitive DVD menu.""""
"
25520,"Why did EA cross the road? The punchline for this joke is 0.99$
"
149704,"""""What should we call ourselves?"""" How about 22 pilots? """"Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots"""" 21 pilots? """"Omg""""
"
24823,"Accuracy ##You miss 100% of the shits you don't take. Made this typo and thought it was hilarious...
"
6482,"I just assume everyone on my Christmas list has been naughty. Makes things simpler.
"
22460,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cugat ! Cugat who ? Cugat to love my jokes !
"
204719,"Why is the archaeologist sad? Because his career is in ruins.
"
110133,"Disney is releasing an alternate version of its latest film for the Indian audience where Nemo's father starts looking for a bride for his son. It's called Finding Dowry.
"
140301,"The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook. And in my bed And on my couch And in my car And when I was at work
"
202798,"What did one calculator say to the other when it was time for it to leave? Aight I'll calcu-lata
"
52345,"The legal age of drinking in Alabama has been changed to 31... Representatives hope that it will keep underage drinking out of high schools
"
92585,"Why did the ghost go into rehab? He had a problem with boos.
"
40611,"No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.
"
170310,"Server friend was complaining about her pay at local restaurant Server friend was complaining about her job at local restaurant. So I say, """"Don't worry. Good things come those who wait.""""
"
113869,"How do you get your wife to listen to every word without interrupting? Talk in your sleep.
"
177672,"Wow, your teeth are white. Thanks. I'm just curious, what color were you expecting?
"
210000,"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh^im ^so ^sorry
"
76746,"What did the cell say when its sister stepped on it's toe? Mitosis!
"
174534,"Mirrors don't lie. Lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
"
167787,"My Korean friend died last week... So Yung
"
152239,"I got Indian food with a friend and paid for all the bread It was a nan issue.
"
215357,"me and grandma are eating bread pudding and watching murder mysteries, she says what's up
"
190763,"What's the difference between Jesus and Sasha Grey? The look on their face while being nailed.
"
158569,"Spreddit The backpages of the internet
"
181917,"My yoga teacher is awesome. She really bends over backwards.
"
47482,"A cop pulled me over and said 'papers' I said 'scissors' and drove off. I win.
"
131479,"Bad news: I burned my finger on the toaster. Good news: 1 down, 9 stupid incriminating fingerprints to go.
"
31178,"I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, clothe, school, and inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
"
77533,"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!
"
80618,"why does the mexican take xanax? For hispanic attacks
"
95,"""""I'm so pissed I could punch a ba-"""" """"A what?"""" Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand. """"A bagel. I HATE carbs.""""
"
181176,"What's thick, black, and over a foot long? My roommate's asian girlfriend's hair clogging the fucking shower drain.
"
69805,"Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives? Purrgatory.
"
192407,"My grandparents were fighting over a hamburger it was aged beef.
"
214010,"What did the Dead Head say, after he ran out of weed? """"Damn, this music sucks!""""
"
64746,"Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart and stopped littering
"
155340,"[spelling bee finals] JUDGE: your word is """"asterisk"""" KID: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
"
13126,"This is gonna be a really long one. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeee
"
84625,"No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.
"
30486,"I like to steal other peoples' Viagra... It's a real dick move, I know.
"
44172,"Yo mama so fat, the sorting hat put her in all four houses.
"
49659,"Me: oil change plz Toyota: it'll be $39 Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon 4 hrs later T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
"
183358,"Why does LeVar Burton not like to travel by airplane? He usually flies twice as high.
"
192919,"Breaking news... The news truck has split in half, our traffic report website is down, and the studio seems to be having trouble with this sound system.
"
202283,"I dream to live in a world where I can politely get out of plans by saying, """"I'm so sorry, but I just remembered I don't want to""""
"
190993,"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? The golfer goes: thwack.... """"Oh fuck"""".
"
120033,"Do you know why turds are tapered? So your butt hole doesn't slam shut.
"
54087,"What did the left pussy lip say to the right pussy lip? """"We used to be really tight until you let that dick come between us.""""
"
203464,"*puts a DVD of 'Frozen' and a DVD of 'Dante's Peak' into the same DVD player* *'Waterworld' starts playing*
"
93532,"When my new neighbor dies, I'm going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
"
142369,"What do you get if you shoot a Mexican golfer? A hole in Juan.
"
36762,"I like my women like I like my coffee Black and tastes like warm diarrhea.
"
7273,"If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I'll assume you're Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
"
55997,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Caterpillar ! Caterpillar who ? Caterpillar a few mice for you !
"
63567,"They say 99% of the population is stupid... I'm glad to be a member of the other 2%!
"
83905,"Why is reddit bad grammar? Because you can't read a dit.
"
2632,"Did you hear Ellen DeGeneres drowned? They found her face down in Rikki Lake
"
155593,"(fully aware that i am always more tired after a nap than i was before) this time will be different
"
47853,"what do you call 4 and 25 cents? foreign change
"
128016,"""""You have sexy calves."""" -Pedophile bull
"
187292,"What do you call the place where parrots make  films? Pollywood!
"
171522,"How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
"
147481,"The Mexican Magician A Mexican magician declares that he will disappear on the count of three. He begins to count, """"uno, dos..."""" *POOF* The magician vanished without a tres.
"
1192,"Now that the Olympics are over, Michael Phelps can finally be released back to his natural habitat; the couch with a bong.
"
12943,"We have rappers who used to be pimps and gangsters telling us not to download music because it's stealing.
"
154029,"Researchers say men are 3 times more likely to be the first to say """"I love you"""", than women. In our defence, ladies, we  don't mean it
"
53610,"Backseat drivers are the worst. They're always like """"the light is red!"""" and """"don't text and drive!"""" and """"oh god, I think that was a person!""""
"
219022,"[date at rooftop bar] give me ur hand """"Is tha-are u wearing a squirrel tail?"""" *rips off jacket to reveal flying squirrel suit* do u trust me
"
226758,"how do you get pikachu onto a bus You Pokemon
"
132776,"*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs* Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright
"
121003,"[slashing food truck tires] friend: wtf are you doing?! [running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
"
44956,"Meatballs have bread crumbs inside them. Meat plus bread means that a meatball is actually a sandwich.
"
117870,"I wanted a cat but the wife wanted a dog ... so we compromised and got a dog
"
167998,"a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
"
149721,"If you are afraid of pedophiles... ...Grow up!
"
67461,"How do you catch a Polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice, place peas around the hole and when the Polar bear comes up to take a pea, you kick it in the icehole. :)
"
120896,"what the black guy get on his SAT's? BBQ sauce
"
60495,"So Lady Gaga wears a tin foil hat and sings with Elton John and people clap I do it and you're all """"This is Barnes and Noble, please leave?
"
163653,"Son: Dad, am I adopted? Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you.
"
155443,"What do you call a body with no nose? Nobody knows!
"
126565,"Why is grammar class the most boring? It puts all the students in a ,
"
20406,"I wish life was more like hockey... Who doesn't want a horn to sound when their period ends?
"
217691,"Facing charges for attacking a man on New Years Eve.. Well, excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
"
218005,"It's amazing how quickly reheated food in the microwave goes cold again when you think you're only going to be on the computer for a moment.
"
212253,"If I was gonna kill myself, I'd fly a helicopter into the sun. It'd be badass. Babes would weep for the carnal possibilities they missed.
"
75602,"What's the difference between your wife and your job? After 5 years your job still sucks.
"
170597,"I'm probably 0 for 400 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
"
140189,"Taken is the adult version of Finding Nemo.
"
150446,"Warning: Dad Joke But it's a classic. Grasshopper walks into a bar and sits. Bartender says, """"Hey, we got a drink named after you."""". Grasshopper says, """"Wow. You got a drink named Kevin?"""".
"
80979,"What do you call a cow masterbating? Beef stroking off
"
2005,"What should you do if you find a snake sleeping  in your bed ? Sleep in the wardrobe !
"
155075,"What do you call a cocktail of iced tea and skittles? A trayvon martini. Yeah I thought that joke might GARNER some negative attention. It was a 1/5 joke. 3/5 with RICE.
"
136230,"The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
"
53208,"Which director is Hollywood's darling? Michael Bae
"
99584,"What man can make three meals and snacks out of one fish all day? I call bullshit!
"
21137,"Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says """"I wonder how the girls are getting on""""
"
174438,"Wife: Where are you going? Me: I'm wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I'm off to fight crime
"
192022,"What do you do with an epileptic lettuce? Make seizure salad!
"
43630,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bowl ! Bowl who ? Bowl me over !
"
200065,"I went to a girl and was like """"I'd like to take my rocket to Uranus"""" She detached the final stage
"
220170,"Little Old Lady Knock Knock. Who's there? Little old lady. Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
"
203689,"What kind of dog did Jesus own a holy shih-tzu
"
224122,"My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe
"
195011,"I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.
"
53816,"Why did the girl fall out of the swing? Because she didn't have arms.
"
111796,"What type of car does a dinosaur drive? a priustoric!
"
184274,"George Bush punches an inflatable flailing arm tube man at a car dealership. It swings back and knocks him unconcious
"
220477,"My girlfriend and I like to roleplay She pretends to be a nurse while I pretend she exists.
"
50382,"Wanna hear a construction joke? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
"
163159,"Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ?  A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.
"
111317,"Knock Knock Go fuck yourselves.
"
24523,"Good cop: We got you red-handed! Weatherman cop: Well there's a 70% chance of guilt but I'd go ahead and make weekend plans
"
206689,"The Chinese just announced their iPhone 5 ripoff... ...it's called the iPhoney.
"
144915,"What did the mexican fire chief call his 2 sons? Hose A and hose B (read it out loud)
"
53367,"What do you call a girl whose profile pictures are only facial close ups? Fat.
"
19629,"What started with a J, and ends with whore?
"
181192,"Sure Hillary sucks... ...Just not as much as Monica.
"
117985,"What is a suicidal Weebs favorite anime? Bleach.
"
155284,"Why is a rat when it spins? The higher it flies, the much.
"
174872,"(NSFW) I heard he's so rich ... he takes a golden shower every morning.
"
185692,"Why do SJW's hate Programmers? They objectify everything.
"
50618,"The last time Twitter was down I was forced to speak to real people. Real people go on and on and on and on, for way over 140 characters...
"
198731,"A report found 9 out of 10 bishops write with a fountain pen. Only God knows what the other one does with it.
"
108631,"I always make a point to add a 'man' when I say thanks to the pizza delivery guy, so he knows I used to smoke weed and shit.
"
183753,"Twat did you say? I cunt hear you.
"
226847,"What did one French Guy say to another French Guy? """"Bonjour, je m'apelle Guy aussi!"""" (""""Hello, I am called Guy as well!"""")
"
147955,"The movie spoiler you won't be able to avoid this Xmas! It turns out Alvin is Theodore's FATHER!
"
20045,"""""Son, I wanted to let you know you were adopted,"""" my dad told me. """"Are you kidding? Really?"""" I shouted. """"Yup, get ready,"""" he said. """"They'll be picking you up in about an hour.""""
"
135362,"It's weird how many people at my office are named """"Hey.""""
"
124737,"LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight. When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun
"
136595,"I was drinking gin for the first time when I realized... I'm not supposed to lose my ginity until I'm married
"
51138,"Q. How many line dance instructors does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five!...Six!...Seven!...Eight!
"
65486,"I heard reincarnation... ...is making a comeback.
"
213604,"What do you call it when a male mathematician imagines himself having an orgasm? Squirt(-1).
"
60591,"What do you call a midget fortune teller, who is wanted by the law? A Small Medium at Large
"
165197,"I'm sorry I whispered """"a weem a way"""" over and over during your jungle safari slide show...
"
109254,"hey atheists: if God isn't real then who did I just give my credit card information to over the phone?
"
97961,"What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt Sr. have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
"
137708,"After years of cooking, I've found that the best way to prepare brussels sprouts is to throw them away and order pizza.
"
141736,"I hate when you tell someone you're bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you're not quite that bored
"
153102,"""""Mom, I'm an adult. There's nothing left for you to show me."""" (*folds a fitted sheet*) """"TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD""""
"
114309,"You think your life is bad? I've got that """"Five dollar foot long"""" song stuck in my head.
"
124997,"""""Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you're gonna need reservations."""" -Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
"
161141,"""""God is dead, but like, dead in a fun way"""" - Nietzsche trying to make a first date less awkward
"
3639,"What did the boy say when he had trouble using glue? I'm stuck.
"
204014,"Breaking News : Fulham have signed Brazil forward Fred to replace the Michael Jackson Statue outside of the ground.
"
44070,"Why did the stonemason break up with the female con artist? She took him for granite.
"
31530,"My 3 moods: 1. I'm too tired for this shit 2. I'm too old for this shit 3. I'm too sober for this shit
"
222916,"""""Doctor, doctor! I need a new pair of glasses!"""" """"I can see that - this is a hotdog stand.""""
"
178761,"What did one orphan say to the other? Robin, get in the Batmobile.
"
125742,"I'm deleting some dumb tweets. I need all your passwords please.
"
110769,"What does fast and furious 5 and the walking dead have in common? They both have dead walkers.
"
161950,"(Xpost: showerthoughts) Knock-knock jokes should win the No-Bell Prize
"
18012,"Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.
"
149073,"I like my women like I like my whiskey.. 19 years old & full of coke..
"
194551,"When someone texts you """"hahahahaha!!"""" instead of """"haha"""" or """"lol"""", you know you've done well.
"
105488,"Why can you only date girls named Ana?... ...because I got a tattoo that says Ana
"
217474,"What do you call a cool bear?
"
156949,"Who invented King Arthur's round table  ? Sir Circumference !
"
203556,"Apparently if someone has a seizure in the bathtub, its in bad taste to throw your laundry in .. yep. Going to hell right here.
"
121261,"How is parsley and pubic hair alike? You just brush them off to the side and keep eating
"
145796,"The best gifts in life will never be found under a Christmas tree! Those gifts are friends, family, kids and the one you love!!
"
101077,"Who is the richest painter ever? Monet.
"
173668,"How does a Jewish man make coffee? Hebrews it
"
77475,"I bet other balls don't like Wiffle Balls because of their holier than thou attitude.
"
223659,"What is a depressed German with Celiac disease unlikely to have tomorrow? A Gluten Morgan
"
191497,"What did the terrorist send in the mail? A CAIR package.
"
1611,"What beer does Sean Connery drink? Grols
"
13801,"Why did the flume ride need repairs? Because it got waterlogged.
"
14449,"What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down? He fell on his ash.
"
137109,"How did the Trump supporter find his sister in the woods? Not bad.
"
53614,"Don't tell me you're coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at """"the wake"""" or whatever
"
55834,"I became ill after taking self-defense classes... I think I caught Kung Flu.
"
18680,"I was almost in a devil's threesome once, but at the last minute the other guy backed out. So i looked at the girl and said... """"Well that's a load off your back""""
"
35664,"Where's the middle of nowhere? It's three letters in. """"H"""".
"
123872,"So a frog parked his car in a """"no parking"""" zone..... His ride got toad away.
"
196718,"What is a uppercase 'i'? Pointless.
"
219187,"How does a woman know she's sleeping with a forklift driver? He beeps twice before coming through the flaps.
"
98051,"The best things in life aren't things.
"
215520,"Did you hear about the monkey who was a virgin and didn't care? Zero fucks gibbon. (sorry)
"
226239,"Women are like electrons Always trying to latch onto some Adam for a free ride
"
74235,"Frederick Douglass opened President Lincoln's mind to the plight of blacks. Name another person who opened Lincoln's mind. John Wilkes Booth.
"
154712,"What's the difference between a feminist and incense sticks? Incense sticks make scents.
"
217965,"There was a man so poor and broke... That when someone stole his wallet, the robber went bankrupt.
"
19798,"What did Dj Khaled say to the barn owl? You talonted
"
90668,"Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby All right stop, Collaborate and listen This frozen baby needs to see a physician
"
214008,"You could call a woman beautiful 100 times and she'll never remember it. But call her ugly once and she'll never forget it. You know why? Because an elephant never forgets.
"
156864,"I'm starting a company that will sell electronic storage devices and almonds. I'm calling it """"CDs Nuts""""
"
13971,"A male feminist walks into a bar. . . Because it was set so low
"
88925,"are everyone all al'right no! you are all al'left
"
85174,"What did one font say to the other while at the beach? """"Serifs up, dude!""""
"
175195,"If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
"
71962,"""""It's one of those new Hoverboards!"""" 9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together. """"Don't be silly. Now go vacuum...I mean play upstairs""""
"
152671,"Don't you hate it when you look all around the house and car for your underwear,,, And they were on top of your head the  whole time?
"
20818,"[racist] What form of humor is nonexistent in black culture? Dad jokes
"
97965,"Girls are so confusing She said """"don't stop"""" and now I'm in jail.
"
54166,"Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out.. You're Welcome..
"
21271,"Dating Women is like squaring Numbers If they're under 16, do it in your head
"
181981,"I've got washboard abs. But unfortunately there is a load of laundry sitting on the washboard.
"
13257,"I bought a book on capitalism... but then returned it because some of the letters were in lower-case.
"
113689,"So, when I wear my phone clipped to my belt & a fanny pack, I'm a douche.nnBatman does it & it's a bad-ass utility belt. nnnDouble standard.
"
20280,"What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAAAAAAND EYEEEEEEEEEE
"
177024,"If I could make the ultimate scary animal, I'd make it hybrid with the head of a bear, bear claws, and the body of a bear.
"
18311,"My grandma used to say, """"I'll give you something to cry about!"""", and then she'd toss a severed hand in my lap.
"
63411,"What do you call a prostitute with cum on her face? A Taxi, Her jobs done.
"
87746,"What's E.T. short for? He's only got small legs.
"
190848,"Wanna hear a joke about a German sausage? Nevermind, it's my wurst joke
"
124810,"Someone told me testimony is unreliable I don't believe them.
"
162953,"What do you call a dog that can preform magic? A Labracadabra.
"
111426,"The flat earth movement is really taking off.. There are flat earthers all around the globe
"
119017,"A Jew wakes up with morning wood and runs right into a wall. What does he say? Ouch, my nose!
"
23307,"*throws up gang signs* *never eats gang signs again*
"
16569,"What's the most problematic time of day? 4:04
"
30770,"You wanna know about hippie sex? It's in tents.
"
105846,"How do you piss off a feminist? Done.
"
170372,"I don't know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we've got joint custody of geese
"
42046,"What the difference between a feminist and a knife? A knife has a point.
"
213339,"Why are postal carriers the most masculine profession? Because they're male men
"
77518,"What did the bullied microchip say? PIC on someone your own size!
"
191473,"If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.
"
228504,"CW: Why don't you ever wear your hair down? Me: It makes me look approachable. CW: So? Me: I don't want to encourage that.
"
105328,"Scratching my head trying to recall... What was the name of that hair salon next to the graveyard? I've got it! It's called """"Curl Up and Dye.""""
"
28530,"Saw my neighbor jogging at 1 am. """"It's a little late for you isn't it?"""" I said. """"I couldn't sleep,"""" he replied. """"That's not what I meant you fat fuck.""""
"
126840,"Cop cars aren't very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I'll stop in a heartbeat
"
149229,"A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.
"
192251,"When is a pepper annoying? When it's jalapeno face
"
146264,"I found a carrier bag with an England football shirt that someone had just thrown away, I couldn't believe it... Carrier bags are worth 5p these days!
"
162633,"How do you tell if someone is being a karma whore? EDIT: Wow I didn't expect this to become so popular!
"
12823,"Why will the columbine high basket ball team lose the tournament? Because they lost their 2 best shooters
"
137572,"The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
"
90325,"The England cricket team...
"
166716,"Islam... ... is a religion of peace.
"
12226,"Me and my husband Atilla got into an argument I told him """"hun, let's not fight"""".
"
60425,"Did you hear? Oxygen and Magnesium are dating. When I found out I was like OMg!
"
223821,"My dad can beat up your mom. If she's anything like my mom.
"
186133,"""""Dad, am I adopted?"""" """"No. We haven't found anybody who wants you yet.""""
"
204764,"What did GabeN tell his wife when she shouted """"shut your hole"""" at him? """"Babe, it's a valve!""""
"
225402,"What do Kim Kardashian and her dad have in common? They both got famous for getting a black man off.
"
137799,"The most popular car brands are German, Japanese, and Italian. It's like losing WW2 is a prerequisite for making good autos.
"
65153,"5: Mommy can we pee in the pool? M: NO! Neighbors kid: Why? M: Because pee mixed with chlorine produces sharks and they'll eat and kill you.
"
100118,"*5 puts on shoes* Me: they're on the wrong feet. 5: but I can't... Me: can't..? 5 I don't have any more feet to put them on. Me: touche
"
37419,"When I die, throw berries on my grave Cause that's how I would like to be berried
"
176505,"A Volvo runs over a Nokia... ... the world explodes.
"
164385,"if your best friend Jack was stuck on of a horse, would you help your friend Jack off a horse?
"
78996,"Everyone keeps guessing who Rey's parents are, but who delivered her as a baby? OB-Gyn Kenobi
"
75700,"david guetta feat. the person who sings the whole song
"
1244,"What do you call rude fungi? Shiit-talking mushrooms
"
165953,"Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments? Idk, accordion to research I guess.
"
118915,"Waiter waiter! What's this creepy crawly  thing doing in my dinner? Oh that one ? he comes here every night.
"
112948,"what gets uglier the more you watch it? yo momma stripping
"
80420,"When I go to the bar I get a Lindsey Lohan. It's a Shirley Temple with a lot of coke
"
133121,"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna and a jar of glue? You: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna! Person getting told joke: What about the glue? You: I knew you'd get stuck there!
"
107549,"Europe. Made in Germany.
"
80967,"What's the difference between a 2016 Reddit post and a 2006 Reddit post? [Removed]
"
61715,"Do you smoke? Smokers: """"Yes."""" Non-Smokers: """"Never have, never will."""" Stoners: """"Smoke what?""""
"
2644,"Who me? Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting """"free candy"""" on the side of creepy looking vans.
"
193870,"What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! When do we want it? Cunt.
"
26838,"What's In Hitlers Nose? Snotzies
"
48982,"I like my coffee like I like my women..... Ground up and stuck in the freezer.
"
162676,"that kid at the public pool who kept screaming at his mom to watch him jump in grew up to be a blogger
"
51362,"Interviewer: why did you leave your last job? [flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us] Me: discrimination
"
11019,"[Soldiers regrouping] Where's Jim? He went M.I.A. *Cut to Jim*  All I wanna do *bang bang bang bang* *reloading noise* And shoot enemies 
"
102207,"The Coal Industry... ... has come under fire lately.
"
16770,"Have you heard about the gay boogeyman? He'll hide anywhere *except* your closet.
"
41687,"It's a Boy! James shouted, It's a Boy!!! i still can't believe it! ..with tears rolling down ,James came running out .....swearing never ever to come back to Bangkok again! xD
"
68610,"What do you call a koala that drives? A koalafied driver! *badum-tis*
"
56717,"I tried to bring my dead friend to class with me, but the teacher kicked him out. Guess he's too ghoul for school.
"
139030,"Repost: 9/10 doctors recommend water over soda 1/10 doctors live in flint Michigan
"
46747,"What do you call a marijuana induced tragedy? Blunt Trauma
"
46454,"What is ET short for? He's only got those little legs.
"
231215,"How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
"
218995,"i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
"
59721,"Which Nazi leader likes the Bulls the most? Joseph gobulls!
"
64788,"Did ye hear about the movie that the pirate went to see? 'Twas rated Argggghhhhh!!!!
"
229203,"Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? She knows she's given her last blow job.
"
182279,"What do you call a hot guy , who instantly becomes super hot? Sick, he definitely has fever.
"
63540,"Why did the console player cross the road? To render the buildings on the other side.
"
25967,"Gravity Maxim Trow yourself from the building and catch from the boardwalk!
"
4739,"Why is there a fence around the graveyard? Because people are dying to get in!
"
3625,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick into a girls ass.
"
31559,"State trash talk thread Insult your fellow state
"
120374,"AOL had the largest growing Stock in 2012 I write jokes and put them on my phone number. 1-855-333-4469. Here's a video that supports the jokes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_YaFbKvEw9c
"
39166,"I'm just a girl, standing in my kitchen, forgetting what I came in here for.
"
101182,"Tits man or arse man? """"Tits man or arse man?"""" I was asked. I really should have got in there earlier when they were giving out super hero names.
"
162335,"Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?  She kept following the instructions: lather rinse repeat!
"
105610,"My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I'll take it
"
1708,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the gay guys house. (awkward silence) knock knock. (who's there?) The chicken. Feel free to try on your friends, its a good laugh.
"
4587,"For what person do all men take off their hats? The barber.
"
113851,"Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven is a convicted felon and it is clear that prison life wasn't easy on him. It doesn't help that Six is, naturally, a little timid.
"
51911,"A man on his deathbed told his wife he would like to make love one last time... She replied """"I'm the one who has to get up in the morning!""""
"
172457,"you can basically just make up facts as long as they're about animals.. cows can't look left. you don't know
"
209210,"The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
"
106400,"My wife is a sex object Every time I ask for sex she objects.
"
125911,"It's funny when my wife gives me the silent treatment'. Because she thinks it's a punishment.
"
132422,"Where did Jimmy go after the explosion? Everywhere.
"
200627,"Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?
"
173768,"What's the hardest part about rollerblading? Telling your parents you're gay
"
231503,"Thank you, Student Loan, for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever repay you.
"
29344,"When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there's really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
"
190761,"The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
"
951,"2 words can open up many doors in your life. Push and Pull
"
111982,"Delivering the punchline too early. You know what's the only thing worse than delivering the punchline to a joke too late?
"
116410,"What religion do Saudi Arabian cows follow? Mooslim
"
199974,"Relationship status: LOL
"
43163,"5yo: I want a snack. M: You can have a yogurt smoothie. 5: I NEED CHOICES! M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
"
92594,"I can't remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn't available.
"
217460,"I used to do drugs... ...I still do, but I used to, too.
"
147212,"Why is the number of black priests so small? Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
"
212750,"ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring. MOM: Honey, for the last time you're not at a sleepover. You're married.
"
213392,"House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
"
160847,"Coolest part of a space ship is the RADiator.
"
60329,"How did the dyslexic American mathematician sing the first line of his national anthem? """"Oh secant, you say?""""
"
83472,"Dark humor is a lot like fresh drinking water... Not everyone gets it.
"
165091,"What's red and sits in a corner? A baby with razorblade. What's red and green and sits in a corner? The same baby 3 weeks later.
"
37494,"I wonder how many husbands out there are frantically scribbling """"free hug coupons"""" right now because they forget to get their wife a gift.
"
85578,"Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
"
103155,"Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what's wrong, but I'm not falling for it.
"
8017,"what do you call the offspring of two lesbians? A hermaphrodike
"
84256,"The rest of the world uses Facebook to overthrow evil dictators. I just learned some girl I hated in high school likes her new pedicure.
"
139212,"A skelleton goes to the bar and says """"Can I have a pint and a mop...""""
"
184348,"Keith Ape makes his mother a sandwich. She takes a bite and cries with joy. """"This is amazing! What kind of sandwich is this?"""" She asks. """"It cheese ma.""""
"
82867,"One day my GPS is gonna say, """"You should know this one by now"""" and shut off.
"
10488,"What's longer than most relationships these days? This status.
"
130590,"I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, """"Got any shoes you're not using?
"
229436,"When a seeing eye dog poops, who cleans it up? This is the kind of stuff that makes my head hurt.
"
99710,"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A Carrot
"
66619,"My cow won't give any milk... She is an udder failure.
"
54244,"Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
"
230802,"What type of vegetable is only kinda awesome? A radish
"
25914,"So I was wondering whether any of my friends could possibly teach me quidditch... ...and then I thought, """"wait a minute, I know one. Oliver would"""".
"
177587,"My wife thinks I'm stupid for using Twitter so much. But I think she's stupid for marrying me, so I think we all know who won this argument.
"
33013,"Come a little closer so I can push you away.  Women
"
134667,"Whoever said Obama never created any jobs... Obviously has never heard of Isis
"
14467,"Am I too fat? Wife: I too fat to be a personal trainer? Me: No honey you just need to lose weight.
"
41300,"My thoughts on the recent events by the Reddit Staff [removed]
"
131865,"FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.
"
228727,"A headbanger guitar is best made of heavy metal
"
29125,"The moderators of this sub
"
88375,"Her: Hi, I'm Jane Me: I'm Christopher, but everyone calls me Dick for short. Her: How do you get Dick from Christopher? Me: You Ask nicely.
"
125957,"I had an interview today. The guy interviewing me asked me where I saw myself in 5 years... I told him I didn't have 2020 vision.
"
68482,"Donated blood today. One lucky person will wake up from an operation with the sudden ability to read 3000 tweets per hour.
"
46959,"I hate it when people make fun of the disabled They can't even stand up for themselves
"
147791,"If you laid all the veins in your body end to end... you'd be dead.
"
1048,"I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell """"YOU DON'T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION"""" and run away.
"
78320,"""""I just got a fruit juicer because they say juicing adds years to your life... ...What they don't tell you is the years you add juicing, you lose cleaning you juicer."""" -Kyle Dunnigan-
"
175136,"I told my boyfriend yesterday, """"You do look a little Downsy, if I squint."""" """"...Or if you squint.""""
"
125520,"Where do Turkish people go to purchase their furniture? The Ottoman Empire.
"
121310,"When will the Jared jokes stop? When they get too old.
"
179665,"Just finished a puzzle in only two weeks! I'm pretty proud of myself, because the box said 3-5 years.
"
90642,"Did you hear about the joke in /r/science? [+][deleted] 5 hours ago
"
148806,"I bought my shoes from a drug dealer... I don't know what he laced them with, but i've been tripping all day!
"
109165,"What do you call a cashew in space? An astronut.
"
4005,"I have a new job. I'm a dressing room attendant for dancers at a strip club. $300/week. That's not much, but it's all I can afford.
"
222294,"Oh, Its October Guess we should wake up that guy from green day then
"
130810,"I could literally eat every day and not get sick of it.
"
64131,"A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
"
28775,"Most people go talk to a therapist, family, or friends to get shit off their chest... ...I however just go take a shower.
"
65530,"[mission] CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches? ME: Yeah and now it doesn't work CMDR: What? Let me see ME: I can't...it's in the sink
"
119334,"What kind of dog does Sauron have? A La-Barad-dur
"
132013,"Which sports team honors the true spirit of Thanksgiving? The Redskins
"
190744,"I saw an expensive prostitute She gave me lobsters.
"
13473,"[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift... ] Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands! """"Toilet paper?!""""
"
512,"What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale
"
72282,"I hate people who don't know the difference between """"you're"""" and """"your"""". There so stupid.
"
57451,"I got some used paint In the shape of a house.
"
15943,"Joey: WHOA Blossom: So you like that? Joey: WHOA Blossom: Are you saying stop? Joey: WHOA Blossom: OK This is the worst safeword ever
"
88899,"Have you ever been to a store that only sells lamps? I've heard it's pretty lit.
"
113608,"Why do women spend less time in prison than men? Because a period ends a sentence.
"
221198,"I only have two feelings, it's either """"I'm hungry"""" or """"I shouldn't have eaten this much""""
"
55822,"As a Marxist I could never play CoD, because I refuse to create a class.
"
138711,"Apple is hiring McDonald's employees.... .....Do you want a Dongle with that?
"
67087,"What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad
"
208674,"How do aliens pay for their coffees? With Starbucks!
"
117343,"There is still no cure for mornings.
"
146215,"""""Honey, it's not that I don't like your cooking, it's just that the smoke's about to asphyxiat our family."""" """"WHAT'D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??""""
"
109539,"My doctor sang this to me at my birthday """"Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you""""
"
133740,"I asked my wife to name an adjective that describes my penis... She replied """"vestigial.""""
"
208529,"I started seeing a therapist about my fear of bridges. Turns out I have severe truss issues.
"
62712,"Was going to make a joke about my paycheck... Turns out I have insufficient puns
"
167783,"I can't tell if I'm going bald... or if it's all in my head.
"
127526,"I bought a dog from a blacksmith ..... As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.
"
100179,"What looks better... than roses your piano? Tulips on your organ.
"
149372,"Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll crash and burn.
"
11999,"Every time I have sex with a woman I always assume she has herpes... ...that way I don't have to tell her about mine.
"
148797,"A straight rooster says """"coco doodle doo"""", a gay rooster says... ANY COCKLEDOO!
"
136204,"How do you bid farewell to a sexually open Arctic animal with a mental disorder. """"Bye bye bi bipolar polar bear!""""
"
120546,"A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn't respond """"Could this night get any worse?"""" unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
"
46638,"A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets! He was arrested for attempted murder.
"
29229,"What do Trump voters call Holocaust survivors? Mulligans.
"
10984,"What is WILL.I.AM going to be called after he dies? WILL.I.WAS
"
5389,"That's nice that you're a Christian now. Could you maybe be a Christian a little quieter?
"
133518,"Chuck Norris is the reason for JAL flight 123
"
40988,"I tried dropping the Google Maps human icon in North Korea... and he jumped back into his original position out of fear.
"
142031,"Chess with Australians must get so confusing. """"Check, mate."""" """"Naw mate, that's just a check."""" """"That's what I said. Check, mate""""
"
187173,"People often complain and belittle alternative religious organizations like atheism and scientology... but at least atheism is a non-prophet organization.
"
154419,"What did the diva with Alzheimer's disease say? **DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM????** (credit to one of the writers from Bob's Burgers).
"
191129,"Philip Hughes joke 1 (warning: probably offensive to some) Did you hear Philip Hughes can't play a hook shot to save his life.
"
146733,"Why are Chameleons surprisingly good at flying? Because they are always in duh skies
"
220644,"I got kicked out of the army yesterday. They called it a dishonorable discharge.... ....i call it jizzing over the generals face whilst he was asleep.
"
39791,"A lorry has just overturned on the M6 loaded with Vicks vapour rub. Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.
"
194284,"Children are the gift that keeps on taking.
"
117170,"What do you call a movie without any Jews in it? Uncut
"
6182,"When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
"
102311,"When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn't have toilet paper with aloe.
"
104556,"Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
"
180764,"Remember when vampires didn't sparkle, and you killed them rather than french kissed them.
"
68290,"Why was Mr. Strawberry sad? He was in a Jam.
"
150659,"Why did the semen cross the road? Because that's where the submarine was.
"
93853,"I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting. What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
"
199537,"Did you hear about the blonde woman who has three hours of footage of raw chicken on her iPhone? The cooking instructions said remove sleeve and film.
"
40603,"a culture caught between afraid of being seen as too expressive like a hipster or completely inexpressive like a basic person
"
71420,"Me: Nice new car, boss Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I'll be able to buy an even better one
"
144411,"What did Honey Boo Boo's father say after he didn't pull out? Uh oh... I think I made a boo boo.
"
11557,"I noticed that the local convent has no security around the building, so I helped myself. No fence. Nun taken.
"
75870,"Mr. Schneider stood up in court. """"As God is my judge I do not owe my ex-wife any money."""" Glaring down at him the judge replied """"He's not. I am. You do.""""
"
13251,"Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the """"banana phone"""".
"
199307,"Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.
"
39202,"how to you get a one armed blonde out of a tree? you wave at her.
"
179623,"Where in the world can you find the highest concentration of Jews? The atmosphere.
"
110922,"Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn't think he knew the word """"no.""""
"
204011,"Why did the Smackhead kick the habit? He didn't like nuns.
"
22796,"Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint; the phone rings,and he jumps up shouting: """"Oh Shit, I forgot to feed the dog!""""
"
162292,"it's easy as pie! 'what does that even mean?' *pie stumbles in drunk* pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge 'oh'
"
121153,"There is this guy that hates taking a poop. But shit happens.
"
222656,"What does a prostitute and a book have in common? For five dollars you can get one with crabs in it.
"
167645,"What is the last thing you want to hear after sucking Willie Nelsons dick? """"That's not Willie Nelson.""""
"
134945,"Ladies, wonder if he's busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
"
183449,"Why do many kids die in school massacres Because they can't run in halls
"
123065,"Just heard someone screaming outside and my instinct was to turn up the TV. Whatever the opposite of a superhero is, I'm that.
"
62851,"Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.
"
182826,"I sent a new girl I'm seeing a picture of my buddy Richard in the middle of the night She didn't appreciate an unsolicited Dick pic...
"
135232,"""""That'll be $147,382."""" - The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
"
175713,"First cannibal: Who was that girl I saw you with last night ? Second cannibal: That was no girl that was my supper !
"
178888,"I heard they're testing a new pill for treating erectile dysfunction It's called coxaflopyn.
"
135806,"I picked my nose in traffic today. Secretly hoping a tweeter who had run out of joke material saw me. You've gotta give to get, people.
"
83636,"What has a ring but no fingers? The former owner of a Note 7
"
74586,"GPS: You're not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
"
108984,"It's not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER. It's the quality of followers.
"
110187,"Public transportation not only helps the environment, it also makes you hate the human race
"
209362,"What does alcohol free beer taste like? Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.
"
177479,"Did you hear about Jon Snow dropping his new Apple product? And now his watch has ended.
"
157959,"Ray Rice and Janay Rice go together..... like peanut butter..and whatever punches peanut butter in the face
"
94735,"I often find myself crying during sex... Probably from the pepper spray...
"
142665,"Guys: when you're shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don't want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
"
67929,"Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
"
50042,"I like my women like I like my deer... Mounted.
"
211246,"What was the last thing that went through the hostages head? A bullet.
"
180368,"Knock knock Who's there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'll never forget
"
124895,"Joan Rivers is just like Soldier Field... She used to be a National Historical Landmark before all of the modifications.
"
68127,"When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say """"Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,"""" & then start swearing in Japanese.
"
57456,"How did the Latino girl get pregnant Her teacher told her to do an essay
"
201532,"Where did the salami go on holiday? Costa Deli-Sol
"
68371,"The inventor of distorted mirrors has passed away. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.
"
132798,"If I have to pay to use this bathroom, I'm going to lose my shit. Because I'm broke.
"
142354,"*steals someone's soul* *steals someone's mate* *Creates a soulmate*
"
217501,"Do you know where the Belgium waffle design comes from? From the German tank tracks.
"
21806,"Why was jesus great at rock climbing? He could find foot and hand holes
"
39445,"What do they call traffic laws in 3rd world countries? Guidelines
"
105261,"When I'm home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
"
178540,"I hope my last words are something cool like, """"Can I hold your cobra?""""
"
22748,"Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested? He was charged with battery. XD
"
134210,"When does a pentagon not have 5 sides? When it's intersected by a plane
"
98471,"Algorithm Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
"
218048,"""""That's nice dear."""" -Grandmas version of """"cool story bro.""""
"
144501,"[1665] ME:Make it enormous """"But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you've got the plague & never visit"""" ME:Make it enormous
"
89483,"A man and his wife find an S & M magazine under their son's bed. Mom says """"This is horrible, what should we do?"""" Dad replies, """"Well we can't spank him!""""
"
100577,"Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.
"
16977,"How did the hipster burn himself? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
"
154208,"What's the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
"
188696,"friendship is so weird.. you just pick a human you've met and you're like """"yup I like this one"""" and you just do stuff with them
"
125287,"COP: """"Do you know why I pulled you over?"""" ME: """"So it wouldn't be windy when we talked.""""
"
16404,"What do the twin towers and genders have in common? There used to be exactly two, and now it's too offensive to talk about.
"
149943,"My SO is giving me the silent treatment, so I tightened all the lids of our jars. Now she'll have to talk to me.
"
88661,"Did you hear the joke about the blind prostitute? ...You really gotta hand it to her.
"
67604,"I'm very good to my wife, everyday I'll run the hot water and put the bubbles in for her ...just to make doing the dishes that bit easier.
"
191174,"Why was Helen Keller such a bad driver?? She was a woman
"
61999,"It's impossible to think about uptown funk without getting it stuck in your head... Don't believe me? Just watch!
"
117059,"What do you call a paper crane folded by a prositute? Whoreigami
"
150770,"The Friend zone. It's like being turned down for a job, then they call you a week later complaining about the person they hired.
"
230130,"Why do zoos pay for simian liability insurance? To avoid monkey suits
"
207468,"Two fish are in a tank... One of them says """"hey, how do you drive this thing..""""
"
41489,"I had a bad audition... ...but I acted like I didn't care.
"
230146,"My girlfriend is going to a rastafarian party and has asked me to do her hair. I'm dreading it.
"
119483,"I Left My Job I used to be a banker but I left because I lost interest.
"
226853,"I've never liked barnacles, but since I moved to the harbour they've started to grow on me.
"
69044,"What did cinderella say when she got to the ball? NSFW *gagging noise*
"
127247,"Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
"
111092,"Sorry you stood next to me at the urinal in sandals, bro. What did we learn?
"
12739,"What's the worst thing to give a norteno on their birthday? A SURprise party!!
"
219687,"My wife woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on her face! I love Sharpie markers.
"
90871,"If Drake owned a breakfast cereal franchise, what would it be called? OV O's!
"
112503,"What's an author's favorite drink? Tequila Mockingbird. (Yes I know it's horrible :P)
"
170753,"Whenever Barry Allen is around, everything happens in a flash
"
120265,"Two Scottish guys discussing a wedding.. First guys asks """"What are ye wearing to yer weddin'?"""" Second fella says """"A kilt of course!"""" First fella """"What's the tartin?"""" """"She's wearing white"""" says his pal
"
178686,"How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season? Only 25...because there's Noel.
"
110181,"When Michael Jackson's son was born, he asked the doctor, """"How soon can we have sex?"""" The doctor replied, """"At least wait till he's 13.""""
"
194294,"What's a Pedophile's favorite brand of shoe? White Vans
"
89902,"My wife tried to make antimatter in the kitchen But she ran out of counterspace
"
61389,"What do you call a black man camping? Criminal intent
"
108580,"Did you hear about the guy who accidently used super glue instead of lube while having sex? He's now a man trapped in a woman's body..
"
194816,"HELP! We need your best joke you have! We will choose the best joke and make a video of it, just for you!
"
151770,"Why is Santas sack so big? Because he only comes once a year
"
181296,"According to Carl Jung, I should live life like a kleptomaniac hooker... ...and take things as they come.
"
119443,"I cooked a live Lobster in the microwave and now I have a giant mutant lobster in my living room demanding to watch The Little Mermaid.
"
94605,"You know, living away from my parents really makes me realize how much I need a dishwasher that's also a really good chef
"
146532,"I walked in on my roommate watching midget porn When I questioned him about it, he started getting short with me
"
184275,"Babies are like Starbucks because they're expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
"
189598,"How do you know you're always about to have fun in the company of an octopus? Because it's always ten-to-cool time...
"
189903,"What's Emperor Palpatine's favorite kind of cheese? """"Gouda, gouda...""""
"
122547,"My coworker looked like a nun today I told her she should break the habit
"
136782,"What do you call a crappy joke on /r/Jokes? sub-standard.
"
77726,"Arguing on the internet is like the Special Olympics. It doesn't matter if you win you're still retarded.
"
13757,"I heard the comedians at Jamestown were pretty bad... The punchlines were so shitty everyone died.
"
181628,"Your Costco ID photo shows you what you'd look like as a meth addict.
"
221240,"What do I have in common with middle Eastern women? We both get stoned to death on a regular basis in public.. And nobody around seems to mind.. And some people ask for hits..
"
96728,"r/Jokes really made my day But that was month's ago. At least now when I come back I still see the same jokes.
"
202703,"Nothing has ever bothered me as much as my recent realization that I have never seen bird testicles.
"
52190,"Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days. Me: hmmm Satan: well? Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
"
118240,"I could've built a school in Africa with the amount of time I've spent uncapitalizing letters in texts to seem cool.
"
142840,"I hate when I wake up in the morning hungover with penises drawn on my face, Especially since I was drinking alone last night
"
215713,"I can eat a rope and have it come out tied at the other end. . . I shit you knot
"
37617,"What should you do when you are cold? Stand in a corner, corners are 90 degrees
"
9252,"Why do dogs wag their tails ? """"Because no one else will do it for them !""""
"
75932,"People who comment with 'goose bums' on YouTube videos, more power to you!
"
71622,"I like my coffee like I like my women... ... Ground up and in the freezer.
"
28577,"French-related joke (semi nsfw) When does a Frenchman get his morning wood? A bonne heure.
"
103167,"I once tried to overdose on Viagra. It was the hardest time of my life..
"
49926,"I'm 87 but have the body of a 25-year-old supermodel But it takes up too much room in my freezer, any suggestions?
"
131081,"Went to see a show about the dictionary. It was a play on words.
"
93049,"She: Why don't we ever have sex anymore? Me: What's this """"we"""" shit? I'm having plenty.
"
78560,"What is the difference between sex and golf? In golf, less strokes is enough to win. I could actually use some help refining the punchline on this one if anyone has some ideas.
"
194743,"Did you hear about the kidnapping at the pre-school? He woke up.
"
215145,"Why can Chinese bands rehearse so much? They're never short of Sichuan musicians.
"
203993,"What's the difference between an Irish Wedding and an Irish Funeral? One less drunk.
"
124999,"What do you call Brienne's Dad? Tarth Vader.
"
209292,"Divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter, and what do you get? Pumpkin pi.
"
36071,"What Do You Call 5 Black People Having Sex? A threesome
"
101506,"First Caribou: What do you call a bee that can't make up his mind? Second Caribou: A maybee.
"
8607,"A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says """"what is this a joke?""""
"
222489,"""""Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today."""" My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
"
150891,"Chuck Norris ran the 100 meters sprint And lapped Usain Bolt..........twice
"
43278,"I kicked my rear-view mirror addiction... I'm never looking back.
"
85729,"What is the difference between a symphonic orchestra and a bull? The bull has its horns in the front and the asshole in the back!
"
4313,"I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts..... The plot was riveting!
"
17323,"Where do girls have the curliest hair? Africa.
"
113120,"I Like my Woman How I Like my Coffee... Hot, in the kitchen, and ready for me when I wake up.
"
77269,"The difference between a cucumber and pickles... Is jarring
"
154800,"What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk
"
188207,"*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek* """"Make a wish,"""" I say. *I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
"
223370,"Where will you never find a hipster fish? The mainstream
"
67040,"Thank you student loans for helping me get through college I don't think I can ever repay you.
"
141079,"Usain Bolt runs at 31mph which sounds good, but if he hits a child there's a 40% chance they'll die.
"
52527,"Japan's First VR Porn Festival Canceled Prematurely Because of Overcrowding Basically, a bukkake that ended early because everybody came.
"
182486,"Why did the Hipster order piping hot soup? He wanted to eat it before it was cool.
"
128392,"Do you know which place has the highest concentration of Jews? The atmosphere.
"
106612,"The set of tools that mods can use.
"
122390,"Some people will believe anything if you start with 'This is just between you and me'.
"
106641,"The other day I stayed in a very swanky hotel ... ... I had to shave before they let me go in their barbershop.
"
18021,"My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....
"
9135,"I'm tired of women touching and playing with it but no one wants to blow it. Damn vuvuzelas!
"
152482,"What do you call a Muslim with a piece of ham on his head Hamed... What do you call one with two pieces of ham on his head Morhamed
"
194742,"Do you think bin men get training... ... Or do they just pick it up as they go along?
"
170802,"Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
"
96075,"What is H.P. Lovecraft's cook book called? The Necronomnomnomicon.
"
146817,"What do you call a chicken looking at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad
"
135557,"What does a 9 volt battery, and a pretty girls bumhole have in common? People tell you not to, but you're still going to put your tongue on it.
"
200968,"A man walks into a bar in Westeros And the bartender says """"stop speaking in third person Jaqen for fuck's sake""""
"
108548,"What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!
"
87879,"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band... I'd stand at the back and ting
"
30571,"Two Snare drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff buh dum tss
"
170732,"I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour. It might take a second for you to get it.
"
193344,"Internet Explorer
"
185489,"How many Toronto Maple Leaf fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Nobody knows. They always say they'll do it next year.
"
167613,"Why did Obama and liberals decide to tax aspirin? Because it's white and it works
"
180735,"My first mistake was thinking she couldn't hit a moving target.
"
99818,"Why was Timothy, the British astronaut, selected to go to the ISS? He was in Peake condition.
"
56283,"Made this up while hanging out with some friends What do you call someone you hate who owns a cube car? Dick in a box
"
88670,"What do you call a t-shirt with stalks of wheat on it? A crop top!
"
149831,"How do you organise a bukkake? You don't, everyone just comes.
"
56543,"Frank's Girlfriend Frankfurter walks into his favorite bar holding a curvy Hamburger by the hand. """"Hi guys,"""" he says. """"Meet my girlfriend, Patty.""""
"
32958,"What do you call a group of singing people floating around in the ocean? An acappellago
"
167656,"Between Trump and Clinton, who is more likely to start a nuclear war if elected president? America, with the missiles aimed at ourselves.
"
36902,"Did you hear the one about the iphone 7 headphone jack? [Removed]
"
208153,"Where do Russian Spy's live? In a Snow Den. (This is a joke. Please refrain from yelling at me, that he is not a spy. Thank you and have a nice day.)
"
39633,"Recently reconciled with my brother after a long conflict. I apologised for slashing his tires, and he regretted breaking some of my home appliances. But hey, it's all water under the fridge now.
"
222058,"How do you get a pool player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.
"
202433,"What is the most effective way to remember your wife's birthday? Forget it once.
"
185350,"One-legged Fox How do you kill a Fox with 1 leg? Make him run across Canada.
"
47453,"""""Hi, I'm Justin Timberlake."""" *notices that he's actually a large body of salt water, not fresh water* """"Nice try, Mr. Timberocean.""""
"
179294,"What do you call it when you wake up with a boner and wait till you go limp to urinate? Atro-Pee
"
44349,"What do you call it when someone makes a slam-dunk wearing shiny handcuffs? Boom-shackle-lacquer!
"
157539,"If I were Hillary, I'd ask Michelle Obama to stay on as first lady.
"
93017,"Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.
"
9219,"I was having sex with a female amputee in the dark I trying to figure out why my ass hurt, but she had me stumped.
"
199016,"[talking to daughter's art major boyfriend] """"You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.""""
"
178322,"What does a british man say when he's about to climax? I'm arriving
"
2298,"A man walks into a bar... Just kidding
"
131671,"It feels like Robert De Niro just walks onto random film sets and says """"I'm in this now.""""
"
13253,"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until its Bill Withers
"
218694,"Why did the crab hate to share? He was a little shellfish.
"
175046,"What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit? """"It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!""""
"
188624,"What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick
"
38639,"Part of our choir got kidnapped last week! Two guys just got arrested for grand theft alto.
"
221179,"Why was the mother flea so unhappy? All her children had gone to the dogs.
"
147638,"GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put """"We Trust In God"""" on our money THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that? YODA (taking notes): Yep
"
164607,"Q: Did you hear about the professor that got in a horrible wreck? A: He was grading papers on a curve.
"
127415,"How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25? Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
"
58988,"What do you call two lepers in a spar? Soup
"
64309,"why do black people only have nightmares? the only one ever to have a dream was shot.
"
183911,"I like birthdays but I think too many can kill you
"
101911,"I met a girl with 12 nipples... Sounds funny Dozen tit?
"
121537,"You didn't comment on my selfie. WHO IS SHE
"
152019,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, while a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
"
178868,"I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she'll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
"
168139,"Once in a lifetime holiday """"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."""" -Tim Vine
"
100429,"*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus* ... *makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
"
186769,"Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
"
159402,"What is worse than three kids in trash can? One kid in three trash cans
"
79030,"The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
"
62772,"Just hugged a sycamore tree before kissing an oak tree. I'm having a treesome lol
"
133229,"Why was everyone mad after the annual animal race? Because the winner was a cheetah
"
14349,"Shouting """"put your hands in the air like you just don't care!"""" is a fun way to bring a party atmosphere to a bank robbery.
"
96809,"A little boy asked his father, """"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"""" Father replied, """"I don't know son, I'm still paying.""""
"
132639,"Rene Descartes walks into a bar The bar tender asks him if he wants a drink, he says """"I think not."""" He then disappears.
"
186218,"If I ever have to feed kids, I just shove shit in a blender give them a straw & tell them that's what astronauts eat.
"
229394,"[NSFW] A guy accidentally took sleeping pills instead of Viagra... he couldn't get up.
"
68721,"What would you hear at a cow concert?  Moo-sic!
"
94060,"85 year old Viagra user takes a tumble I've fallen and I can't get up
"
104306,"What did the chicken say before laying an egg? Yahoo. There goes my baby.
"
59302,"Don't let the notion of being bad at something keep you from enjoying it Ask my wife.
"
218381,"What do you call an electronic bowl? Ebowla
"
65738,"When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn't have electricity.
"
49403,"My favorite genre of rap is bragging about all the murders you committed then complaining the cops pull you over for no reason.
"
92786,"Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all. Then I thought of you.
"
76591,"If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton gets in a car crash who will survive? America.
"
169498,"My cardio is mostly just running out of excuses not to exercise.
"
109319,"How did one dinosaur insult the other? Yo mama so stupid she gets excited seeing a shooting star.
"
24410,"A man buys shares from the stock market. But he never shared any of it.
"
57851,"[son hands me a picture he painted a school] That's great. Let's just put that in the 'maybe has epilepsy' pile.
"
195060,"What's an owl's favorite subject? Owlgebra
"
46960,"The girl I met last week said she wanted a guy who was """"funny and spontaneous"""" I showed up at her kitchen window late at night wearing a clown suit and suddenly it's all panic and screaming...
"
75622,"How can you tell if a black woman is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out the cotton is already picked.
"
24332,"My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I'm not even Jaoquin.
"
68513,"Why do you go to a black mans garage sale? So you can get all your stuff back.
"
64501,"What was the Neo Nazi's favorite computer game? Mein Kraft
"
139182,"Why did Toronto host the (hockey) World Junior Championships? They wanted to see what a winning team looked like.
"
104257,"When does a joke become a Dad Joke? When it leaves you and doesn't come back.
"
174837,"What does a man with a tiny penis have for breakfast? Well this morning I had a PopTart, 2 eggs and a glass of orange juice.
"
158011,"Know why polish airplanes only fill half of an airplane for each fligth? Poles on the rigth half of the plane are unstable
"
25762,"What does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella for? Fo' Drizzle
"
167457,"Everybody has a friend that is completely different when they're not under female supervision.
"
49523,"There are so many obnoxious people in the world, but do you know who really drives me to drink? Designated Drivers.
"
87990,"My gym just sold me a lifetime gym membership for our unborn baby. I hope it works out.
"
11793,"What does a bro say when asked if he needs help doing a magic trick? Nah brah, tadah brah!
"
115694,"""""I see"""" said the blind man as he picked up his hammer and saw
"
120116,"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
"
16893,"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles!
"
61369,"What is the difference between Martin Luther King Day and St. Patrick's Day? St. Patrick's day everybody wants to be Irish.
"
124975,"I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law's dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
"
190625,"Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor's house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
"
212170,"So many Irish twins being born these days the numbers just keep Dublin up.
"
89496,"I cheated on a girl that was a bartender. I hope she gives me another shot.
"
90582,"I broke up with a tin of paint this week. I'm feeling pretty emulsional. (CREDIT TO MY MUM FOR THIS MASTERPIECE)
"
123966,"Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You're going to blow my secret that I'm a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
"
71387,"Oh man, I just got back from the most awesome campground orgy. It was in tents.
"
64363,"What do you call an Irishman who sits on the porch all year round? Patty O'Furnature
"
184964,"I packed my own lunch this morning if anyone wants a baggy of dry cereal or a stapler.
"
106237,"Somebody just said """"good morning"""" to me in the elevator. Stare at the buttons like everyone else, asshole.
"
30659,"A husband says to his wife... """"What would you do if I won the lottery?"""". She replied """"I'd take half, then leave you."""" """"Excellent!"""", he retorted, """"I won 12, here's 6, now fuck off"""".
"
129300,"Just took a bite of a gluten-free slice of pizza & my stomach made a sad noise & I was all """"I know, buddy. I know.""""
"
117060,"I'm thinking about bottling my own urine and selling it. I'll call it """"I Can't Believe It's Not Bud Light.""""
"
46702,"Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.
"
221796,"""""Relationship experts say romance novels are bad because they give women unreasonable expectations. It's what porno films do for men.""""
"
177986,"[MURDER TRIAL] JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt? MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That's correct.
"
146017,"Not really a joke, but I thought of a way to diss three people at once. When you see someone's baby the first time, say """"so your mom did tell you how to make ugly babies""""
"
14760,"It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
"
98696,"Q. What is the bigest pencil in the world? A. Pennsylvania
"
77230,"Me: """"I want to go on a diet."""" Food: """"LOL no.""""
"
159968,"Hillary Clinton isn't a female. She's just an F she deleted the emale.
"
111456,"My grandfather was a fantastic fisherman... they used to call him the """"Master-Baiter"""".
"
208011,"A teen girl is talking to her mother about the birds and the bees. She asks her mother if it's possible to get pregnant from anal sex. The mother says, """"Why yes, that's how lawyers are born!""""
"
137408,"Bought a cheese grater for a blind friend... He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
"
111257,"Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can't get cell service Batman: Your carrier sucks Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use? Batman: Bat Mobile
"
22131,"A poem for Valentine's day Roses are red Poppies are red The grass is red Oh no my yard is on fire
"
56460,"What do you get if you watch the Blind Side backwards? Oher's NFL career
"
226317,"I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.
"
150702,"Q: Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague? A: He was looking for a Czech mate.
"
79050,"When I die, just toss my body out of an airplane flying over NYC while wearing a superman costume.
"
114649,"Turns out HR doesn't care if it's national underwear day, you have to wear pants to work.
"
128286,"When my Dad passes, I will get a tattoo of him looking down at me from Heaven, disapproving of me getting a tattoo to commemorate him.
"
150501,"Judge: You're out of order! Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order! *I burst in* Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
"
90460,"I like movie reviews You always catch something new the second time
"
100200,"New Viagra Product !! Viagra now available in powder form to put in tea... It does nothing for erections but stops your Biscuits from getting soft and falling into the tea..!!
"
229104,"How do you turn soup to gold? Add 24 carrots
"
142212,"I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
"
25076,"I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn't my panicked gasping breathing.
"
175863,"""""I'm usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you'll find that I'll really open up."""" -Automatic sliding doors
"
97794,"I hate when I give people nicknames like """"stupid face"""" on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
"
143026,"When Moses came down with the Commandments, It was the greatest Retweet in History.
"
204887,"What do lawyers and sperm have in common? 1 in 3 million have a chance of becoming a human being
"
131221,"Try saying """"good luck"""" without sounding sarcastic. Good luck.
"
57571,"Why are hurricanes named after women? Because they come in wet and wild, and leave with your house and car.
"
173416,"Before we hang out, please be advised I will be spending the rest of the summer talking like Bane.
"
10651,"It's goofy when people pretend to zip their mouth closed to indicate keeping a secret. """"Your secret is well guarded... behind a zipper""""
"
48274,"Why is wrestling stupid?? It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....
"
159262,"6: can u get me a drink? Me: no, you're 6yo. You can get your own drink 6: fine *goes to fridge Me: while ur there can u grab me a beer?
"
154915,"A better name for everything bagels would be '3-5 things bagels'
"
155767,"Filming my own version of """"Taken"""" using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
"
1206,"What kind of pizzas can tell the future? Medium Pizzas
"
20621,"What did the nun say to the priest? Shut up
"
15284,"What do vegetarian worms eat?? Linda Mcartney
"
192872,"Isn't Twitter basically all NSFW since we all tweet while we're at work & hit the 'Close Tab' button like a ninja when the boss walks by?
"
211688,"When asked about whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger upgraded to Windows 10... ...He replied """"I still love Vista, baby""""
"
39775,"The most feared killer whales are the ones that have done time in Seaworld.
"
64156,"Santa claus may only come once a year... But when he does he does it, on Dasher! On Dancer! On Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen!
"
42954,"A friend of mine just retired from the Department of Statistics, he has truly taken leave of his census.
"
22548,"I teased Peyton Manning so he broke my phone. Now it'll never go past one ring....
"
6651,"Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you're kinda boring and you've been on top of everything.
"
136364,"What did the romaine say to the spinach before they started to eat? Lettuce pray.
"
128622,"""""Daddy, what does 'autonomous' mean?"""" """"Do your own fucking homework!""""
"
123957,"Me: How many times are you going to lick my nose in your lifetime? Dog: 
"
22627,"What do you call a Black man that walks by a Cop? A Pencil cause he's full of lead!
"
182564,"What's the difference between a Jew and a woman? Idk I'm voting trump
"
63379,"At first I was angry... ...when all my friends began collecting stamps after I started. But then I remembered: imitation is the sincerest form of philately.
"
197170,"Me: We should go to the gym more often. Him: I hate it there. It's like a meat market. And I'm the expired meat.
"
120992,"What happened to the fly on the toilet? He got pissed off.
"
118649,"You guys wanna hear a miscarriage joke? Wait, it would probably come out wrong...
"
76173,"How does a redheaded surgeon operate? Gingerly
"
49111,"Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I'm standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
"
63341,"While people argue about the glass being half empty or half full...I'll just be drinking from the bottle !
"
183422,"why was Elsa afraid of Sven? because Sven eight nine! hahahahahahahahaha...
"
29437,"I like the fact that Harriet Tubman will be on the $20 bill. It's good to have a black woman represented on American money. It just sucks that it will only be worth $12.
"
21933,"The Superbowl made me feel like I was camping. It was intense.
"
71185,"What is the best part about having Alzheimer's Making new friends every day
"
199440,"""""Hey! Aren't you that guy from the village people?""""  Me, to every cop who pulls me over
"
88910,"Yo mama so fat, they're gonna put the movie in two parts.
"
210781,"When I order delivery online and there's a """"Notes"""" box I put """"Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON"""" *Puts on dragon costume *Waits in bushes
"
112730,"I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
"
12406,"I never expected my dad to steal from his road construction job... but when I got home all of the signs were there.
"
86065,"A helicopter crashed on a graveyard Reports says over 500 dead.
"
60659,"Did you hear? They found a new use for sheep in texas. Wool.
"
93269,"I like my coffee like I like slaves.... Free.
"
159000,"Dear masturbating astronauts... In space. No one can hear you cream
"
42276,"A chef, a clockmaker, and a thief walk into a bar, but the bartender says he doesn't get the joke. They all say, """"It's okay, these things take thyme.""""
"
6692,"It's not that Jake couldn't juggle It's that he didn't have the balls to do it
"
169485,"What did Adele say when the chicken crossed the road? Hello from the other side...
"
163085,"Why don't Jewish men eat pussy? Because it's too close to the gas chamber.
"
212482,"Why wasn't the pirate invited to the movie theater? Because they didn't have movie theaters back in the 1800's.
"
78836,"TIFU by making an overused joke. Reddit
"
193390,"My dog kept digging holes in the back yard... ..so I hide all the shovels
"
76704,"Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night? Because he was empty inside.
"
230011,"I saw a black man running down the street with a TV I was concerned that it was mine so I quickly drove home, as I got home I was relieved to see that mine was cleaning my shoes on the front porch
"
184312,"How do you read the Gospel According to Shrek? Open your bible to Psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME
"
164571,"What university department did the Fonz go do when he needed help paying his tuition? Financial Ayyyyyyd I'll^see^myself^out
"
33573,"Did you hear the one about the guy who had to go to the ER with six toy horses in his anus? They listed his condition as stable.
"
223354,"Friends don't let friends drive drunk but I don't want them staying at my house And that's why Uber was created
"
134437,"Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
"
145652,"Japan is not a Democracy. It's a Constitutional Monarchy. They don't have big erections.
"
89948,"Clueless boyfriend walks into publix to buy condoms. Can't find them. Finally goes in the right aisle. Proceeds to have sex. Publix: where shopping is a pleasure... ...or lack there of.
"
118586,"Someone stole your tiny Stradivarius? Aw, poor baby, I'm playing the world's smallest violin for you. It's, uh, a different one. Gotta go.
"
104487,"""""Wow, this relationship is really rocky. I bet a wedding and baby will solve everything!""""  Women logic.
"
68773,"Q: What's a cat's favorite food? - A:  Petatoes!
"
209524,"I think the thing that really gets me hard is increased blood flow to my penis.
"
83602,"Im just an average guy with 2.4 kids.
"
208474,"I'm white, but... Nope. Can't do one of those today. Look, I'm at a B&B on Cape Cod right now. I'm a fanny pack away from translucent.
"
152038,"I dated a girl with a parrot once. Hideous thing that would not shut up. The parrot was cool though.
"
56630,"I've always wondered what lice do to you It's a real head scratcher
"
57845,"What's wrong with a joke containing Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium? It's CoRnY
"
200904,"I was born to be a pessimist.. My blood type is B Negative.
"
18727,"I keep having these fantasies about the beautiful Lottery Lady on Saturday Evening TV ... .... No, not about winning the jackpot, I'm imagining her holding my balls in her hands.
"
140902,"What do you get when you turn 4 blondes upside down? 4 brunettes
"
96804,"My Dad use to tell me this one after he went through a divorce with my mom: """"Do you know how I like my coffee? I like my women like I like my coffee..."""" Ground up and in a bag!!
"
3862,"Just found out my wife has cooties. I'm headed to the clinic to get tested. So many emotions right now""""
"
37808,"[30 Days of Christmas Jokes] Why was Santa's little helper sad? Because he had low ELFesteem
"
1316,"Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn't know which one came first!
"
185963,"What is matthew mcconaughey' least favorite part of interstellar? """"The girls get older, but he stays the same age"""" -first attempt at a original joke (apologies if its a repost that I'm unaware of)
"
146998,"Helen Keller walks into a bar.... And a table.....then some chairs...
"
54764,"Girl are you a gorilla enclosure Because I want to throw a kid in you.
"
183173,"What makes a talker become a stalker? The s.
"
157210,"What's the difference between a Catholic and a Jew? At least when a Catholic scars you for life, you might get to cum.
"
101017,"Its so cold in Minnesota right now. The democrats have their hands in their own pockets.
"
29615,"What does rock music and my grandpa have in common? The Strokes
"
216446,"The more time passes since the movie """"Fight Club"""" was released... ...the better we all are at following the first two rules of Fight Club.
"
206953,"1. The truth will set you free. 2. The truth hurts. 3. Being set free hurts.
"
135142,"HER: it's over between us ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns? HER: I thought you would stop ME: sew it seamed
"
87265,"Rohypnol.......
"
172262,"Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages: 1. instant gratification 2. sense of impatient entitlement 3. misunderstanding of basic math
"
211051,"How do you tell the difference between a computer scientist and an aspiring music artist? Ask them what 'unsigned' means.
"
111561,"My friend who drowned just had his funeral the other day... We put a lifejacket on his coffin. It's what he would have wanted...
"
200251,"What do you do if you're attacked by a bunch of Carnies? Go for the Jugular (juggler)!
"
114262,"If a policeman is knocking on your door and you have a pile of dead babies on your bed, what's the hardest thing to hide? Your erection.
"
63208,"What do you call a religious man with low pH? An acidic Jew.
"
202472,"I came up with a new recipe for avocado and duck. I'm going to call it Quackamole.
"
26840,"I witnessed a murder in the park last night and called 911 They told me to stop calling and leave the crows alone.
"
53007,"ME: how do u get girls SCUMBAG GUY: gotta brag about the size of ur, ya know...organ [later at the bar] ME: hey baby i got a real big colon
"
219005,"Why do Mexicans eat beans? so they can take bubble baths.
"
106748,"I think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.
"
135813,"Did you know that camels aren't indigenous to Australia? They were shipped there by the British. Oddly enough, so were the Australians.
"
84960,"I too like my women the same way as I like my coffee... Constantly berating me making me wish I was dead.
"
172993,"She called and said she didn't have anywhere else to go, so I agreed with her.
"
49335,"Did you hear about that new liberal episcopal church? It has six commandments and four suggestions
"
169612,"My parents are so impressed with my brothers daily 10 minute workout. I can do it in 8.
"
161031,"[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
"
90275,"Why are there no headache pills in Troy? Cause Paracetamol
"
33011,"So I was going down on my grandmother the other day.. And her pussy tasted like horse semen. I had to stop myself for a second and think to myself """"Is this how she died?""""
"
60979,"So I had a dream last night about eating breakfast. It was pretty *surreal.*
"
148397,"The doctors all doubted me. They all thought I couldn't do it. They said I couldn't fight them all at once and well, they were 100% right
"
152063,"Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to.
"
132963,"I had explosive diarrhea On the bight side i started the year with a bang
"
148975,"A police officer respectfully acknowledges a black man as the man walks past the police station Title
"
175745,"Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
"
198756,"Is it normal for your right testicle to be larger than your other two?
"
167331,"What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes? Remorse code.
"
183676,"What kind of computer is optimized for sad songs? A Dell.
"
25687,"What do you give a canine seeking meaningless validation on the internet? Pupvotes
"
193063,"If we've learned one thing from this whole Ray Rice ordeal, it's that... ...you should always take the stairs.
"
6086,"I like mixing laxatives and nitrous oxide on a regular basis, but it's OK... ...I only do it for shits and giggles.
"
45800,"It's true that blacks can be racist too! But just like everything else in life, whites are always better at it.
"
3075,"President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, """"After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office."""" And the president said, """"I know. I listened in.""""
"
195700,"I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
"
8303,"Jehovah's Witness I was just wondering...........if a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven's door..... does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???
"
10063,"Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can't get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
"
86824,"So it's game night at a social group. The social group contains an autisic person, an abuse victim, a socially anxious person, and a depressed person. What game do they choose? They chose """"Sorry!"""".
"
88464,"(Me playing guitar) 3: Daddy what's this song called? Me: Going Nowhere. 3: I know that but what's this song called? Burned by a 3yo.
"
75485,"Who is the second coolest doctor in the hospital The hip replacement guy
"
167181,"????My lactose-free, gluten-free, wheat-free, carb-free, nut-free, fat-free milkshake, brings all the weirdos to the yard...????
"
88625,"Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? Yeah, he pasta way
"
121498,"What's a Mathematician's favourite Christmas pudding? Yule ln!
"
182978,"You know what they say about Anthropologists They are all outstanding in their field.
"
216117,"How do Africans carry Ebola? In large baskets balanced on top of their heads.
"
5150,"Hi, I'm black and I can't stand the stereotype that we are all criminals. -Sent from your iPhone
"
128656,"If anyone ever tells you they've lost their voice, They're lying.
"
123318,"The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
"
224236,"What did the scientist say at the bar? I'd like some H20 please.
"
1629,"Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body
"
165894,"I just quit my job, I couldn't work for my boss after what he said to me He told me that I was fired
"
229755,"20 Years Ago... 20 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash, and Bob Hope. And now, we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope
"
188018,"How did the New Orlean Pelicans get their name? They should've gone with the Hurricanes.
"
6851,"What bus crossed the Atlantic Ocean? Columbus
"
223965,"My uncle Aaron is the black sheep of our family. Because he's black. His skin is black. He's a black man.
"
210123,"I'd rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
"
3915,"Why type of nut do Wallflowers like? Walnuts
"
9435,"What do you call an ant sized villain? The *ant*agonist.
"
224044,"What do calculators do when they love each other? They multiply!
"
228772,"The first time I run out of windshield wiper fluid is the last time I have windshield wiper fluid.
"
16009,"What do you call pasta in a poor neighborhood? Spaghetto
"
63790,"So, a squirrel walks into a bar- -k
"
215809,"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!!!
"
36964,"Did you hear about the pirate who got in trouble at work? He was reported to H-arrrrr
"
41545,"Me: I was sober for 12 years AA Director: What happened ? Me: I turned 13....
"
147717,"""""A wine please"""" """"Sir, this is McDonalds..."""" """"Okay, a McWine please""""
"
30829,"A friend was showing me around his house... Friend: """"So this is our master bed room..."""" Me: """"...You guys have a masturbate room?""""
"
230020,"Life is like a box of chocolate... ... it doesn't last long for fat people.
"
110814,"Oh my god! there was a kidnapping right outside my house today... So weird to see a kid sleeping on the sidewalk in the middle of the day.
"
168217,"Tim Cook has announced that he's gay. Samsung just filed a lawsuit claiming they came out of the closet 3 years ago. #Apple
"
217644,"I ate a vegetable... And she liked it so much she woke up.
"
61255,"Most effective way to remember your wife's Birthday Question : What is the most effective way to remember your wife's Birthday? Answer: Just forget it once and you will never forget it again. :D
"
48056,"Why did the farmer screw their sheep on a cliff? They push back harder. (Told to me by my NZ step father about Australians, of course.)
"
112652,"Why are all the plants at the retirement home made of silk and plastic? Because everything that stays there just ends up dying.
"
35889,"What do you call people who aren't Christian? Light, because they're massless.
"
53797,"Remember ladies: when a guy says """"I'm listening"""" what he means is """"I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd of been unstoppable"""".
"
168548,"You dug the hole you're in... now stop whining and start climbing.
"
205058,"West Virginians are like burgers. They're always inbred.
"
116278,"No matter how kind you are... ...German children will always be kinder. Edit: Since you guys seem to like German jokes so much.
"
1360,"When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it's never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
"
54221,"I already have a date for Valentine's Day February 14th
"
137620,"How did Samwell Tarly survive against white walkers? survival of the fattest
"
150881,"A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double-entendre. So he *gives it to her.*
"
18111,"Who looks after the EuroDisney website? Mick e-mouse.
"
61701,"What's a teenage fish's favorite website? Prawn Hub
"
164398,"What is the best part about raping a midget? Their arms are too short to hold you back.
"
3555,"I wanted to make my racing snail faster.. So I took off its shell. If anything it became a lot more sluggish.
"
78182,"I saw many places when I fought in WWII.. But I did Nazi Germany.
"
4298,"Nuts. When you have nuts on the wall they're called walnuts. When you have nuts on your chest they're called chestnuts. When you have nuts on your chin you're called a cocksucker.
"
160146,"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? BREATHE!
"
125166,"Q: What's the opposite of a somersault? A: A winter pepper.
"
170657,"What's 6"""" long and women love it? 100$ bill.
"
43618,"The next Iphone I'm sure the next Iphone will be a big 6s.
"
29557,"What happens when a rock gets high? He gets stoned.. Badum tsss
"
74846,"How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.
"
31177,"I don't always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
"
211969,"Food wedding anniversaries: Year 1: champagne 2: strawberries 3: chocolate 4: donuts 5: protein shakes 6: microwave meal 7: Rat poison
"
213481,"I identify as a Skywalker I guess you could call me Anakin.
"
214834,"How many spiders does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two.
"
159310,"""""My husband had a heart attack while having sex with me."""" """"I'm so sorry, ma'am. At least he died doing what he loved.""""
"
42846,"I wrote a poem that says: I dig, you dig, they dig, we dig It isn't pretty, but it is very deep.
"
51504,"What's the difference between a jew and a pizza? A pizza can have meat and cheese.
"
212746,"Why doesn't Santa have kids? Because he only comes once a year
"
44642,"Have you seen the new movie, """"Constipation""""? It may not have come out yet.
"
134051,"All-Girls High School """"The number one most commonly used phrase in any all-girls high school is 'behind my back!' The second most common is 'right to my face!'"""" - Celia Pacquola
"
130062,"What's the best part of gay sex? The part where you ***don't get fucked in the ass***.
"
7248,"Why are muslim people so kind-hearted? Because they don't live long, especially when they're a bomb
"
3958,"My mom keeps asking questions like 'When you gonna be famous?' I tell her, 'As soon as they find the bodies.'
"
149181,"I'm often accused of being condescending. That means I talk down to people.
"
4742,"Why do the bald seem to handle life so much better than the rest? They're always eager for more on their pate.
"
87379,"There is only one type of cake I don't like Stomach ache
"
152700,"That grizzly killed the man with its bear hands
"
165970,"Kim Jong Un Wins World Series Our dear leader has thrown a 27-pitch perfect game to win the World Series. He is such a beautiful pitcher, he makes every batter pop up as soon as they see him.
"
132047,"My refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
"
225571,"What do blacks and bicycles have in common? They both require chains to work. (no offense to black people intended)
"
124956,"*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing* I...I've never felt...SO ALIVE! *holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
"
97209,"which Baldwin went to school? The smart Alec.
"
204499,"I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay! Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
"
3016,"How does a Jewish mother change a lightbulb? """"No, that's all right. I'll just sit here in the dark.""""
"
40341,"Whenever I write out my alimony payment, I put cute things on the memo. Like """"for your next divorce"""" or """"clothes that make you feel skinny"""".
"
81386,"It's like squirrels don't even know how good they'd be at parkour.
"
51757,"Why did the coach prohibit the blonde from giving any bj's to the team? The guys complained about the blow-dryer being too hot ...
"
169657,"How are Roman Polanski and pimples similar? Both cum on your face when you're 13. How are Roman Polanski and body hair similar? Both cum on your ass when you're 13.
"
73528,"What do you call a Christian who fell down the stairs? A couple of steps closer to their final destination.
"
153002,"We were driving past the graveyard and my dad asks: """"Do you know why I can't be buried there?"""" """"Why not?"""" """"Because I'm not dead yet, Son.""""
"
164174,"Go on vacation in Poland... ...your car is already there!
"
55390,"Write the biggest mistake that you've ever made in childhood. I was believing that all people are black or white until the age of 14.
"
167928,"Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny
"
122581,"I got a sweater for christmas... I really wanted a moaner but I got a sweater.
"
176253,"Never buy the first round cause that's when people care what they're drinking!
"
174698,"What begins with a """" C"""" ends with a """"T"""" has a """"U and a """"N"""" in it, is hairy on the outside and wet in the middle. A coconut.
"
154546,"Why did the apple eat itself with a fork? Because it didn't have a spoon! (Courtesy of my three year old daughter.)
"
167702,"A photon is going through airport security... The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, """"No, I'm traveling light.""""
"
88738,"A common pick-up line at the gay bar.. """"Can I push in your stool?""""
"
219072,"help me, I am trapped in a haiku factory save me before they
"
179460,"In South America, how many women get waxed per year? A Brazilian.
"
7961,"What does a redneck do on Halloween? Pumpkin
"
1446,"For those who don't speak Spanish: """"Cinco de Mayo"""" means """"hold the mayo.""""
"
17388,"Why did the polygons of Geometric Grove disapprove of their new triangle neighbor? He was a degenerate triangle.
"
51521,"I wonder if Sallys parents were like """"Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.""""
"
29171,"3 Doors Down: """"Okay, so we've named the band. Now what?""""
"
203108,"Christians have the first name Christian, Muslims Mohammed, Jews Isaac, what boys name do atheist have? Godfrey
"
43785,"If only the person that named """"walkie talkies"""" had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
"
122022,"Damn girl, are you alcohol? Because I've had too much of you and I'm going to throw up.
"
127362,"What sexual position produces the ugliest children? I don't know, ask your mom.
"
84055,"Such double standards. My wife sleeps with like 10 pillows and I don't get mad but when... I pull out my dakimakura she threatens with divorce.
"
68903,"Q: What do you call a blind German? A: A Not See (Nazi)
"
38071,"The leading cause of depression is reality.
"
20099,"What I admire about England I'm a Malaysian man,and I went to England for my 2 weeks vacation.What surprise me,the kid in England,5-7 years old,already know how to speak English
"
46871,"A girl phoned me the other day and said """"Come on over, there's nobody home."""" I went over. Nobody was home.
"
158370,"The people I worked with in IT were so nice The even took the time to show me """"4"""" in binary every single day
"
15270,"Are you there God? It's me, Margaret. YES MY CHILD Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
"
42193,"[studying beached whale] its a new species bill think of a name ok um *surfer walks by* yo killer whale dude *biologists look at each other*
"
2091,"Half of all marriages end in divorce... The other half end in death.
"
57932,"I don't discriminate based skin colour, I do it based on clothes... In fact you could call me a fashist
"
139152,"A nurse pulls out a thermometer out of her pocket and says: Shit.....some asshole has got my pen!
"
178139,"What's the difference between an old joke and a new one? Nothing. We're on reddit
"
146452,"Wheelchairs A perfect gift for that """"special"""" someone.
"
98509,"Why is Obama left-handed? Because blacks have no rights
"
68459,"A man goes to a doctors office Patient: I have been having a lot of pain in my ear Female doctor: Sir, I think you have an ear infection. Patient: But u havn't even looked at my penis
"
20909,"Granny always said, 'If in doubt, check it out.' My addition: 'If the answer gets your goat, punch 'em in the throat.'
"
77849,"""""Emma Stone"""" ~ Italian man telling you he's high
"
74387,"So I just flashed my hard drive. Though why showing my computer my schlong is meant to speed it up I'll never know.
"
94,"Wanna hear a pun about long hair? Rapunzel.
"
138566,"How come if ants are always so busy they always get  time to show up at picnics ?
"
138421,"Don't forget when you're tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You're welcome.
"
197471,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get out of North Korea's missile range.
"
69049,"I sat in traffic this morning and my inner child wants to know if we're there yet.
"
142128,"Facebook users are roaming the streets in tears, shoving photos of themselves in people's faces and screaming 'DO YOU LIKE THIS? DO YOU??'
"
109074,"If you take an Asian man and spin him around 3 times... Does he become disoriented?
"
168512,"The Classiest Knock Knock Joke in existance Knock Knock who's there? the the who? YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
"
152225,"Yo mama's so fat When she backed up her pictures to iCloud, the entire sky fell.
"
78797,"Made a mistake while drawing with my crayons. Can't erase. I guess the dragon will just have to have disproportionately large nipples...
"
91444,"Sometimes """"I'm single"""" means """"I'm drama free"""", """"less stressed"""" and """"I refuse to settle for less.""""
"
111515,"What did the mathematician say to the lumberjack drummer? I really like your logger rhythm!
"
183349,"Whats the difference between a pun, and a fart? One is a shift of wit and the other is a whiff of shit.
"
131528,"I dare McDonald's to introduce a black Hamburglar. I McDouble dare them.
"
205135,"Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
"
49321,"What has 108 teeth and holds back the incredible Hulk? My Zipper.
"
147624,"Why did the man's kidneys fail? They didn't study.
"
10583,"Nothing worse than wasting a good mood by being around family.
"
225287,"Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you? [cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
"
17982,"Why is Santa's Sack So Big Because he only comes once a year.
"
120000,"My grandmother got my grandfather new pants and I asked him how they fit. He said, """"Like a cheap castle."""" I said I was confused. He then explained, """"No ballroom.""""
"
219833,"What does a doctor say to the new father of a stillborn child? Close, but no cigar.
"
14041,"Jewish Joke About Warm Weather                   . Dude. It was so hot, I swear that I'd convert to Christianity for the Baptism.
"
107438,"Wisdom There comes a time in a man's life where he stops and askes himself """"Should I stick my penis in there?""""
"
188095,"When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said """"I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these"""" So now I poop into socks
"
27862,"How much sex do couples have? Newly weds: """"Tri-weekly."""" After 10 years: """"Try weekly."""" After 30 years, """"Try, weakly.""""
"
132038,"How does moses make coffee? Hebrews it
"
87333,"What do you call an academic who apologises all the time? An anthropologist
"
40028,"One of the benefits of being a hermit You're always the best-dressed man in the room.
"
136165,"My wife says """"I want to go... ...somewhere i've never been before."""" I said, why not try the kitchen.
"
54526,"If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
"
215867,"My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I'm too goddamned lazy to do it
"
78614,"What's Donald Trump's favorite sport, according to CNN? Dodgeball.
"
105212,"Lost an electron Really gotta keep an ion them.
"
33884,"What do neutrinos and I have in common. We are both constantly penetrating your mom.
"
128564,"I wrote a haiku about admins and mods [removed] [deleted] [removed] [deleted] [removed] [deleted] [removed]
"
187943,"Behemoth? No. Hebebutterfly.
"
223912,"Why did the condom cross the road? It was pissed off. :3
"
200684,"Damn girl, your ass is like an avacado It's that good kinda fat
"
33066,"Pizza slices are like fucks. I give none.
"
174431,"What do you call an army of toddlers? Infant-ry. *insert cringe here*
"
15626,"Why did no one like the Eskimo accountant? Because he was cold and calculating.
"
46776,"""""Please add your phone number to secure your acct."""" Facebook is now the Nigerian Prince.
"
117195,"2 drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Ba dum tss EDIT: spelling
"
198679,"A guy is fingering his girlfriend... ...after a while, she starts to shift uncomfortably and says """"would you mind taking your ring off, please?"""" The guy responds: """"what ring? That's my wristwatch!""""
"
7575,"Nothing beats a pretty girl with a beautiful singing voice except for Chris Brown
"
145084,"I asked my wife what she wanted for christmas she told me """"nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"""" so I bought her nothing
"
85466,"I hate what toys do to girls' body images. Real girls don't have smaller girls inside of them with smaller girls inside of them...
"
99758,"Funny Joke PF debate
"
63294,"Did you hear about the dumb father who returned from lunch and saw a sign on his door """"Back in 30  minutes"""" so he sat down to wait for himself?
"
116150,"What do you get if you run in front of a car? A: Tired Bonus Follow-up Joke! Q: What do you get when you run behind a car? A: Exhausted
"
59987,"They'll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it's a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
"
227829,"I hate when job recruiters ask me where I see myself in 5 years. Like come on, dude, I don't have 2020 vision.
"
110266,"How many Mexicans does it take to build a Holy Shit they're done!
"
52110,"This election cycle makes me want to find a bar really badly... Do any 21st amendment people know where I can get a drink around here?
"
220284,"For our 25 year anniversary, my wife asked me for a present that goes from 0-200 in seconds. I got her a bathroom scale.
"
90082,"Whats the difference between a Pimple and a Catholic Priest? One will wait until you're 13 to come all over your face.
"
52134,"What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump kin
"
211920,"[Computer has become self-aware] Scientist 1: Shit, just like in Terminator Computer: I HAVE WRITTEN SOME POETRY Scientist 2: No, worse
"
229582,"It isn't a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I'm fine by the way.
"
181068,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 didn't have a removable battery and blew up in everybody's pocket
"
72788,"You see me driving 'round town with your Alzheimer's mom and she's like, forget you.
"
178024,"Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? He uses the best ingredients, you cruel bastards.
"
181828,"Why is Florida not an island?? Because Georgia sucks...
"
201677,"When do virgin guys get some ass ? when their fingers go through the toilet paper
"
206925,"Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
"
142012,"They call them """"reality shows"""" but none of them are about drunk people scrolling through meaningless crap on the internet all night.
"
144245,"I would even do the thing Meat Loaf wouldn't do for love for you.
"
114116,"TIFU by not taking my ADHD medication. Oh, hey. Check this out! There's a whole nother box for typing stuff.
"
73728,"How do you get a little old lady to say the """"F"""" word? Yell bingo.
"
148499,"What animal is faster than a cheetah? A cow dropped out of a helicopter.
"
4951,"I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*
"
134442,"Q: What did the Dorito say to the other Dorito. A: I can't tell you it was to cheesy.
"
147708,"[gathers around casket and see's it's full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means [grandma's body is being dumped over the winning coach]
"
63935,"An Italian classics professor... ...goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: """"Euripides?"""" The professor replies: """"Yes. Eumenides?""""
"
100853,"I just put on a Apple sticker to my Toshiba laptop.. .. so it's now called a Macintoshiba!
"
4,"Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.
"
105367,"I wanted to do some light history reading this summer... ...so I read the biography of Thomas Edison.
"
229386,"If you whisper, """"we're being watched,"""" you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.
"
89306,"When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face? When her mustache is on fire!
"
53011,"""""Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!""""nMe: Ok, just like we practiced. I'll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
"
59424,"I like my women like i like my coffee Ground up and in the Freezer. CREDIT: Friend told this one
"
209107,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? (gag noise) **Note: This joke is better when read aloud.**
"
184766,"What do you call a group of hoes in a bathroom? r/showerthoughts
"
230683,"Jumping on a trampoline naked is an awesome way to see the past, present and future of your body.
"
181539,"Why was the road in so much pain? Because it has a carpool tunnel.
"
57203,"What do you call an anorexic.. What do you call an anorexic chick with a yeast infection? Quarter-pounder with cheese
"
207890,"Is it wrong to hate a certain race? Because I really don't like running the 400M dash.
"
120179,"""""I'm not washing it, I'm just gonna shove it in a pony."""" If you're a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
"
167017,"What is the proper way to address the king of the ghosts? Your ghostliness.
"
40485,"What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was? Blue, you racists
"
41263,"Did you hear about the short-sighted circumsiser? He got the sack.
"
130068,"What's more covered in sweat than a marathon runner at the end of a race? Josh Duggar at a family reunion.
"
128179,"Who said """"Shiver me timbers!"""" on the ghost ship?  The skeleton crew.
"
58514,"At School: What Does It Give You? """"Kids, what does the chicken give you?"""" """"Meat!"""" """"Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"""" """"Bacon!"""" """"Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"""" """"Homework!""""
"
161180,"My cat said """"meow"""", so I answered with a """"meow"""", and now I'm afraid of what I may have agreed to.
"
12150,"[Turing Test] Tester: Let's start with an easy one, the square root of 29241? Subject: 171! Tester: Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
"
217272,"Why are feminists bad cashiers? They can't make change.
"
33310,"[Pun] There's something about the sky... There was a man in an airplane and he had just over dosed on alcohol, one could say he really was HIGH -<>~<>- ^those are what I call 'pun glasses'
"
192719,"Burritos are just tacos that are shy.
"
31769,"Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ? It was a scream !
"
170895,"Nick Cannon is the new face of Radio Shack both of which apparently still excist
"
162286,"Growing up on Disney movies has left me so disillusioned about small woodland creatures and their willingness to help me with my chores.
"
87054,"I lost two things today. My virginity.. ..and my job at the morgue.
"
56321,"What's a pedophile's favorite drink? Cherry pop. See you all in hell!
"
166161,"Wanna feel old? 1990 was 40 years ago.
"
197264,"""""So how was your date?"""" I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much """"That wasn't a good idea"""" Yeah well, hindsight is 1
"
204073,"You know what they say about people with big feet? They exert less ground pressure. Because their penis is so big it acts like a third leg.
"
165591,"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his arse.
"
64818,"Genie: 1st wish ME: I wish for a pen G: #2 M: another pen G: wtf M: I already lost the 1st pen G: and ur 3rd M: ur not going to believe this
"
107325,"No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?
"
112823,"[staff meeting] PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it? [Jim slowly raises his hand]
"
159713,"Ellen Pao's husband
"
151268,"Did you hear about the depressed man going on a cross country road trip? He's weeping the nation.
"
39592,"Is 6 celebrity impersonations too small a number for me to do on this first date? I feel like its a little low...
"
167969,"After a long day of having my laptop fry my genitals, it feels good to lie in a dark room and have my phone screen fry my eyeballs.
"
97755,"Q. What does a woman's asshole do when she is  having an orgasm? A. He is usually home with the kids!
"
226115,"You can buy wedding cake even if there's no wedding, those suckers don't even check
"
168423,"sperm is like olives you need to learn to eat it
"
199547,"If you are trading Cephalopods, it's important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value. You know.... Squid Pro Quo
"
111727,"What's the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl ? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message .
"
222024,"What do you call an exploding dinosaur? Dino-mite
"
191334,"a local dj is beat up and left for dead, i guess you could say... the tables have been turned
"
14597,"[First Date] Me: So, Construction? Him: Yeah M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer? H: M: Like to screw? H: M: Hey! Where are you going?
"
69807,"Which state smells the worst? The Prostate
"
111935,"On this day in 1969, the 1st episode of Scooby Doo appeared on TV, beginning a golden age of teenagers getting high in the back of vans.
"
67825,"What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? The drunk driver runs the stop sign. The stoned driver waits for it to turn green.
"
107960,"Did you hear the one about the man who let a firework off on top of his head? He went out with a bang.
"
184306,"I was going to make a joke about a carp that had hands But it was too metacarpal.
"
103590,"My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I'm not sure if I'm going to bed, or to Walmart.
"
27178,"How do you know that the Invisible Man doesn't have any children? Because he's not apparent.
"
82593,"I decided to join the new Jewish fraternity on campus ... Zayda Ate a Bagel
"
131250,"My wife and I were shopping the other day, she said she needed a new pillow. I said """"That's a big decision, you should sleep on it.""""
"
69477,"Remember when social awkwardness was a bad thing and not what drew us together into online communities of self-loathing and horrible puns?
"
79676,"""""Why aren't you wearing a coat?""""""""Coats are for pussies.""""My mother asks too many questions.
"
184918,"Two men walk into a bar The third one ducks
"
186699,"HE: Look My Sweety, a star is falling.... Make a wish quick!!! SHE: To Get Married with you my love <3 He: Ohh Sweetheart... I think that was just an airplane light :D
"
19341,"What does Mr. T say when he walks into a buffet? I pity the full!
"
47305,"Had a fight with a one dimensional entity yesterday... The outcome was pretty one sided.
"
115765,"Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
"
137795,"My son said he didn't think Seinfeld was funny Turns out he's not the Wiz
"
217810,"A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, """"You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."""" The drunk replies, """"Boobs.""""
"
96793,"someone just asked """"how do u delete yo life"""" U CHEW ON A GRENADE WIT THE PIN OUT
"
41537,"Why should you never run over a black kid on a bike? Because it's probably your bike...
"
166399,"""""I didn't go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting"""" I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO's coffee pot.
"
212511,"It's time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside...
"
42735,"When I treat people the way I want to be treated, they get weirded out when I start brushing their hair.
"
53731,"What did they say about Baghdad after they installed too many garbage cans? It was Bin Laden
"
63008,"My girlfriend and I spent $40 on a pesto pasta It was worth every penne
"
131379,"Q: Why was the lobster arrested? A: Because he was always pinching things.
"
228331,"A Frenchman comes to America and says """"Hi, I'm from France"""" to an American, The American says """"European!"""" to which the frenchman replies """"No, you're a peon!""""
"
128773,"What do you call a mentally challenged homosexual.? Flame Retarded
"
98379,"""""Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!"""" - Realtor headshot photographer
"
109248,"Why is your Girlfriend like KFC? Because after you're done eating you throw your bone in a greasy box.
"
140474,"What happens when you put your hand in a jar of jelly beans The black ones steal your watch
"
225413,"I came up with a joke about my old cell phone Nevermind, it tends to get terrible reception
"
10268,"to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
"
132622,"Toys 'R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
"
94529,"Q: What is the pink stuff between elephant's  toes? A: Slow clowns.
"
114743,"What's a frogs favorite drug? Croakcain.
"
204639,"Steve Irwin died the same way he lived.. ..with animals in his heart.
"
5727,"What does an Asian with the biggest erection get when he walks into a wall? A broken nose.
"
181844,"I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
"
26373,"Whats the difference between a jew and a boyscout? The boyscout comes home from camp
"
5511,"Life is life, Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium.
"
133653,"I like my women...... I like my women like I like my coffee....... Ground up and in the freezer.
"
59278,"Why didn't galactus consume the milky way? He was galactose-intolerant. I'm sorry.
"
152851,"""""well that's a load on my back"""" - relieved slut
"
186694,"When does a cat need milk? Right meow... I know, the joke sucked. I'm going back in my corner now
"
146409,"SOFT HIT......... A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
"
42983,"What's the longest you've ever stared at your phone without glancing up to look at the road while driving? For me it's three weeks.
"
223480,"Did you hear the Buck Wheat became a Muslim? Yeah! He changed his name to Kareem o'Wheat
"
160539,"I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who's nutritionally responsible for two children.
"
89474,"Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
"
81346,"Injured myself dancing last night but fortunately I'm eligible for Twerkman's Comp.
"
169538,"When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
"
112902,"I haven't seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he's ok.
"
194639,"Whats a Plumber's favorite vegetable? A Leek!
"
134715,"what fabric softener do Special Ed kids use? Downy
"
202511,"How do animals in children's books always have nicer houses than mine when they don't have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
"
26431,"What do you call an Arab with a hammer on his head?
"
161781,"Kessel Run With his latest crash, Harrison Ford has become the first pilot to complete the Kessel Run in 12 over Par-secs.
"
77537,"What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you cut up an onion.
"
47391,"What do you call 10 Ethiopians tied together? A raft
"
143669,"What is the difference between a baby and a onion? No one cries when you chop up the baby.
"
29572,"How many policemen does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven. One chief of police to oversee it, and 10 cops to beat the lightbulb until it wants to change.
"
206094,"Did you watch that movie about wrestling? I heard it was very Cenamatic.
"
107358,"Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted Wife: Ya? Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works Her:.. Me: No way a baby's gettin in here.
"
191000,"Why didn't the pony speak? Because he was a little hoarse....
"
214389,"The good news is, I found my phone charger in my bed while I was vacuuming my sheets. The bad news is, you read that 2nd part correctly.
"
35319,"What's worse than an overthinker .... Sorry I didn't think this part through...
"
113660,"Apparently the world is run by a secret society of cheese makers. The hallouminati
"
54551,"Why are black people like sperm? Only one in a million actually works.
"
2664,"Why do pigs have flat snouts? From running in to trees.
"
57176,"How do you get a Mormon to not drink all of your beer on a fishing trip? Bring two Mormons.
"
16609,"I've limited my friends to 3 people that know how to split a dinner bill w/o causing a fiasco and life has been awesome since.
"
92006,"U-HAUL, may I help you? """"You have any moving boxes?"""" No all our boxes stay still """"Well you better go- wait what?"""" Stop calling here, Dad
"
210701,"[vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* """"Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere
"
16129,"""""Susan, will you marry me?"""" """"Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!"""" Ten grand later and it's still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
"
79117,"What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye matey
"
65706,"The baker wouldn't finish telling me how he makes bread. He said that information was on a knead-to-know basis.
"
84882,"Studies have shown there is a direct correlation between a woman's insecurity and the amount of selfies she posts each day.
"
180359,"[catches spider in a glass] spider: omg are you going to drink me? me: oh no this is just to take you outside spider: me: spider: drink me
"
32302,"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin mobile
"
73736,"Baby oil If olive oil is made from olives, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
"
6887,"The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.
"
80548,"I hope buying all this cat food doesn't make me look like a crazy cat lady. I just like the taste.
"
11229,"What do you call a cow with no nipples? Udderly pointless
"
186701,"Hey baby are you a Communist? Because i can feel an uprising in my lower class.
"
77402,"Dracula must have a hard life... It sucks to live forever
"
121623,"[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces """"food"""" like """"feud"""". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.
"
145334,"What is the best kind of vegetable? The one in the wheelchair.
"
33460,"What do you get if you cross a bunch of flowers with a burglar ? Robbery with violets !
"
48862,"I'd make a political joke here I'm just afraid it would be elected.
"
59765,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Beggar ! Beggar who ? Beggar you don't know !
"
36978,"Just asked Siri. """"Surely it's not going to rain today?"""" She said """"it will, and don't call me Shirley"""" ...Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.
"
108201,"Got an MRI. Nurse asked if I had bad kidneys. Told her I won """"best kidneys"""" in my high school yearbook. She didnt laugh. We didnt talk again
"
97303,"Why don't mexicans have checking accounts? It's too hard to spray paint your name on the little line.
"
28084,"What does a desperate Mexican do? Bangs his head against the wall.
"
73912,"What does a Canadian hipster say? """"meh"""".
"
169353,"When the farmer counted his cows he had 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200!
"
198180,"""""This week has been an emotional roller coaster. I'm gonna open up a bottle of red and take a long, hot bath."""" - white women
"
112383,"A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said """"You know you really need help"""" """"Yes I do"""" said the elephant """"get this kid off my foot !""""
"
125345,"""""Follow your dreams!"""" - someone born into money
"
37748,"Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I'm going to have to get out.
"
150732,"What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common? They're both under DC.
"
90867,"No matter how kind you are German children are kinder
"
4320,"""""What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!"""" -anyone dating Taylor Swift
"
36119,"Ops mom Wait... shit.
"
70471,"What did the people say about the eccentric poo? It was a little nutty.
"
35668,"Maybe money can't buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
"
118170,"Youtube criticism police in a nutshell No.
"
209330,"What do you call it when Shatner takes a shit? Tek War
"
79018,"At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
"
116100,"Bad pickup line: those jeans look very becoming on you, Then again, if I were on you I'd be coming too
"
139969,"I used the toilet just after my wife and noticed that her shit really does smell of roses. Hardly surprising. She's polished off four tins of the fuckers in the last two days
"
227167,"What do you call a snail in the Navy? A Snailor
"
54463,"Knock Knock. who's there? Netanya Netanya who? Yep... thanks Obama.
"
56860,"My neighbor was going out of town and asked if I'd feed their cat. I said sure... ...to what?
"
58787,"Whenever I'm tempted to talk shit to a perfect stranger on Reddit I always remember my mother's wise words: """"Shut your fucking mouth, no one cares what you think.""""
"
112534,"Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn't attend.
"
108190,"Where is the 'L' in christmas? There is noel
"
132078,"If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I. - dead people
"
57836,"Can someone's face be a pet peeve?
"
92294,"Last night I got drunk and lonely, so I tried the peanut butter with my dog trick... ...still tasted like dog cock.
"
68602,"In what month are Rabbis dishonest? Jew-lie
"
212116,"You know you're an optimist... ...when your blood type is B+
"
60930,"[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE'S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN'T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
"
120396,"How hard do you think Joe Biden laughs when a senate's bill gets 69 votes? I bet he has to leave the room.
"
218519,"A black man catches a goldfish and it says """"If you let me go ill give you one wish!"""". He replies why do I get 1 and everyone else 3? """"Because you're a fucking nigger""""
"
124930,"Customer: What is this fly doing in my alphabet soup? Waiter: Probably learning to read.
"
155045,"Life is like a dozen roses... it's full of pricks!
"
150861,"Why would 12:00 make the best cop? """"Hands up""""
"
149266,"My boss is so nit picky that he's not even a micro manager... ...he's a quantum manager.
"
138176,"btw I learned this tonight: DO NOT image search """"scrotum"""" because people only post pictures using a medical name if there's something wrong
"
120407,"I went to a homeless themed fancy dress last night. It was shit.Fcuk all food or drink and we stood outside in the rain all night.
"
166993,"""""The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on.... Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.""""
"
47957,"I'm glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
"
3214,"""""I'll have to report you sir"""" said the traffic cop to the speeding driver. """"You were doing 85 miles an hour."""" """"Nonsense officer"""" declared the driver. """"I've only been in the car for ten minutes.""""
"
158275,"Just think, in 10 years you're going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you're still alive. ~inspirational
"
34414,"what do you call the study of color? cyance
"
102165,"Your family tree must be a cactus ... Because everyone on it is a prick.
"
164422,"How did the farmer find his lost cow? He tractor down
"
42456,"Two electrons walk into a bar and... The Big Bang Theory is the worst. I would sooner stab my eyeballs with a pen than watch it
"
210483,"what is a dinosaur's least favorite reindeer? Comet
"
220246,"What do you get when you mix the atlantic with the titanic About half way
"
76950,"What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common? The same middle name. (Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)
"
15896,"TEBOW FEVER!! I haven't seen this many people following a white bronco since OJ!!!!! Ba-ha-ha!!
"
174677,"You don't see many reindeer in zoos do you? No. They can't afford the admission.
"
177200,"Plans to make the new TV series, CSI Baton Rouge were scrapped yesterday. The producers discovered that nobody has any dental records and everybody has the same DNA!
"
195770,"What sexual position do you use to make an ugly baby? Go ask your mom
"
202174,"Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.
"
213404,"What did the choir teacher say to the student who asked to use the bathroom? Of chorus.
"
146699,"What does the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They're both en route to uranus to wipe out the klingons
"
75567,"Why couldn't C.P.E. Bach find his contemporary? He was Haydn.
"
217190,"If you can't be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
"
200455,"My neighbor's 3 favorite films of all time: 3.) """"10,000,000 Explosions"""" 2.) """"Army Guys Yelling At Each Other"""" 1.) """"Subwoofer:The Movie""""
"
208108,"How do you make a guitar player's car more aerodynamic? Take off the pizza delivery sign.
"
165150,"What starts with """"P"""" and ends with """"orn""""? Popcorn Pervs.
"
142158,"My face is very symmetrical...over the x-axis :(
"
100605,"I tried to start learning French verbs... ...but it's impossible with all the new pronouns.
"
224994,"Some French words have silent t's, like """"ballet"""" and """"tbonjour""""
"
155542,"My sexual desires have been getting out of control... But it wasn't until I spanked a statue that I knew I'd hit rock bottom.
"
28769,"98% of all band-aids are used to cover up a child's melodramatic bullshit.
"
34608,"A riddle Who's got orange skin, poor speaking skills, is overwhelmingly disliked and is in over his head? Yeah, I know, too easy right? It's Jar Jar Binks
"
50911,"It's wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
"
185910,"Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting too fat? A: She fits into your wife's clothes.
"
132492,"I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering 'I know what you did last Christmas'
"
70015,"You call me a whore? All I have to say is that my legs are as open as Walmart at midnight
"
28076,"How many economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know. They just keep going on and on about how the last one broke.
"
28979,"Drunk girls click """"reply all"""" when they talk.
"
143867,"""""Why?""""- existential owl
"
210655,"What do you call five black people having sex? A threesome
"
188221,"I had to get knee surgery the other day... now my knee is a faux-knee
"
105297,"I work at my stepfather's store. You think your boss is an asshole? Mine fucks my mom. - Cole Y.
"
2194,"What car does the Loch Ness Monster drive? A Ford F-tree-fiddy
"
176162,"A dolphin walks into a bar. Impossible, dolphins don't have legs.
"
208927,"What's the difference between windows 10 and a jehovah witness None, they just keep asking you to let them in
"
91390,"Everyone sings """"Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You"""" to their selfies, right guys? Guys?...
"
198239,"What video game would Adolf Hitler play? Mein Kraft.
"
53015,"I think my intelligence is beyond of an average human I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months, and at the back of the box it says 2-4 years
"
217412,"What is Russia's codename for Trump? Agent Orange.
"
183128,"I was making breakfast, then """"She's a maniac"""" came on the radio... Everything is a blur. Why am I so tired? Why am I in this steel factory?
"
177014,"Why was the orphan so successful? When they told him """"go big or go home"""", he only had one option.
"
132607,"Putin at the airport Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk. Customs officer: Occupation? Putin: No, just visiting.
"
225200,"Why is auto correct regarded as an important invention? Because it's mage tipping berry ready for us. Obligatory edit: very easy for us
"
26158,"I couldn't figure out why the baseball was getting bigger... then it hit me!
"
13031,"You know why Communist Jokes are funny? Because they are Commie-cal.
"
44571,"If you have a horse and you didn't name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can't be friends.
"
64796,"What do you call a melon with overbearing parents? cantaloupe ;)
"
169238,"Why was the Mexican called a paragraph? Because he was to short to be called an essay
"
14536,"Where's the safest place to hide money from a man? Under the soap
"
142333,"I refuse to be an organ donor. Mainly because I'd like to be a fully-functional zombie if I rise for the apocalypse.
"
96320,"The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
"
158560,"Rest in peace, boiling water. You shall be mist.
"
92136,"[at restaurant] Me: """"I'm so hungry I could eat a horse"""" Wife: """"I'm the same"""" Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
"
82921,"What do you call a Serbian who won't clean his room? Novak.
"
41309,"What's the difference between a baby and A goat? When my goat died, I couldn't bring myself to eat it.
"
182368,"Knock knock. Who's there? App App who? Welcome to the quickee mart
"
156344,"You know what they say about big feet... Big socks.
"
114289,"Reasons to carry a handkerchief: 3) You've never heard of tissues 2) You're doing a magic trick 1) You're hiding your face to rob a train
"
35958,"I'm having an existential crisis because I dialed a wrong number and the man who answered asked me, """"Who is you?!""""
"
75859,"A woman walks into a hardware store and says, """"I want to buy a hinge."""" The clerk says, """"Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"""" The woman replies, """"No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster.""""
"
218326,"Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? Because he heard the ref was blowing fowls.
"
192475,"My wife's fanny smells like roses.. But rose's is tighter.
"
145557,"I was standing in the elevator at work and I couldn't remember why I was mad... Then it hit me
"
60551,"Why is French person a better team player than a pirate? The pirate says, """"Aye, aye!"""" The French says, """"Oui, oui!""""
"
229096,"I just saw my first Porno yesterday.... I couldn't believe how young I looked in it.
"
179719,"Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet? Life is bullshit.
"
15360,"While they're a lot of fun on Halloween, did you know most jack-o'-lanterns end up at the pound? Please. Next year, carve a puppy.
"
106516,"If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
"
221441,"Does this bus stop at the river? If it doesn't there'll be a very big splash.
"
67996,"What is the difference between a broken down bus stop and a crab with breast implants? One is a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
"
209453,"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
"
198730,"Why couldn't the bike stand up on it's own? Because it was two tired.
"
185188,"I just heard 2 waiters speaking Chinese and then one said very loudly and clearly, 'MEDALLION' so I think some shits about to go down
"
50501,"They say to never eat your own culinary creations. But I can't help myself, it takes 9 months to make my famous Baby Back Ribs.
"
125494,"There should be way more poetry about cheeseburgers.
"
52403,"What is a ghost's favorite part of school? Spirit week.
"
120188,"Who loves fast food? Jared fogle
"
169321,"Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
"
151125,"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl's best friend.
"
51945,"Coworker: """"How was your weekend?"""" Me: """"You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.""""
"
38871,"Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn't come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn't a gift
"
34445,"9 out of 10 people agree... Gangbangs are AWESOME!
"
122633,"What's E.T short for? ...'cause he's got little legs
"
12237,"I caught my employee sleeping on my office couch today. I didn't know if I should fire him, or tell him what I did on it last night.
"
20615,"My wife has just left me, taking my satellite dish and Bob Marley collection. No woman, no Sky.
"
152400,"Why did Beethoven kill off his chickens? They kept saying, """"Bach, Bach, Bach.""""
"
180040,"""""LSD Makes Users Lose Weight"""" That makes sense. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
"
155904,"I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
"
21302,"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a buck ninety-nine, but deer nuts are always under a buck
"
72528,"What did Silicon say to Germenaium ? Got dope ?
"
146301,"What is white and twelve inches long? Nothing
"
222525,"need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
"
84726,"There's a wormhole in the center of my bagel.... """"Of course, that's not a Cinnamon-Rosen bagel....you bought an EINSTEIN-Rosen bagel!""""
"
120935,"Hope Today I saw a Chinese baby and a Black baby wave at each other. It gives me hope for the future. Or at least another Rush Hour movie.
"
200135,"Did you hear about the new Strip Club made for Eskimos? They call it a Brrrlesque.
"
116133,"What do you call a doctor that graduated at the bottom of their class? Doctor.
"
85324,"I lost my watch the other day. I'm sure it'll turn up, but there's no telling when.
"
180787,"Wanna here a funny joke? Women's rights.
"
110467,"I asked my dad about music these days He said it's all about the junk in the truck so you better shake that butt.
"
142986,"I used to be a necropheliac... [NSFW] ...but then some rotten asshole split on me.
"
146977,"When I was young I was worried about getting food stuck in my teeth. Now I'm worried about getting my teeth stuck in food.
"
98019,"I accidentally got my mom prego... :( She wanted Ragu.
"
3150,"Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife  meat eggs blow job? A: The blow job. You can beat your wife your eggs or your meat; but you just can't beat a blow job.
"
44897,"The really neat thing about the internet is how it feels like everyone likes you and hates you at the same time.
"
60091,"What do you call a sophisticated American? Canadian
"
47867,"What do you call a woman who thinks she can do everything a man can do. Carol.
"
77534,"Champagne says I'm classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
"
32368,"How do murderers turn off the lights? Killowatt
"
178356,"Why does a woman smile when walking down the aisle? She knows that she no longer has to give blow jobs.
"
50011,"Saw a boat with a sign that read """"For Sale"""" so I added the missing """"-ing""""........................ Idiots.
"
92564,"I support farming and math... I'm pro-tractor.
"
103255,"Wife: Are you coming or not? Me: Is there gonna be alcohol? Wife: It's your grandmother's funeral! M:... Wife: NO! Me: Then I'm not coming.
"
209231,"There's three cop cars in the parking lot of my gym. This might be my last Tweet for a little while.
"
185099,"What's the favorite letter of the National Socialist Party? Anyone before the last one actually. Because they are all not Zs.
"
83050,"What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs? Matt. No arms and no legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
"
110377,"My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn't scowl. Cuz Botox.
"
35594,"""""Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don't know...bookish?"""" She has a name you know! """"What is it?"""" ...Paige.
"
84436,"co-pilot: """"ask in a way that won't panic everyone"""" pilot: """"ok"""" [via intercom] """"is there a fireman on the plane?""""
"
201759,"What kind of meat is the cheapest?.. Deer balls Cause they're under a buck!
"
209591,"Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
"
226420,"What stops your hair from falling? The floor
"
190122,"A sadist walks up to a masochist... The masochist says """"hurt me"""". The sadist says """"no"""".
"
61637,"I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys. They probably have the same names
"
137954,"I told my African friends a joke about rain They didn't get it
"
63656,"Why do people wear sleeveless shirts? They like to express the right to bear arms.
"
214989,"What do you call a chicken surrounded by men? A buk-buk-BUKKAKE!
"
36265,"What's the worlds longest sentence? I do.
"
106001,"HISTORICAL FACT: I moved to Miami too, but I didn't make such a big fucking deal about it.
"
46511,"What do you call a Mexican carpet fitter? """"underlay underlay""""
"
187126,"MySpace got old. Facebook got old. Now Twitter is getting old. What next? Damn. I guess we'll have talk to people in real life.
"
143060,"What did the chinese billionaire say after buying the deer with no eyes? I have no Idea.
"
111283,"The Pink Panther made a list of things he had to do, and it was called... To do, to do, to do to do to do, to do, to dooooooo...
"
66686,"Why did the cow jump over the moon? Because the farmer had cold hands
"
55288,"When I die, I'd like the word Humble' to be written. .......on my statue.
"
183986,"I heard Apple is trying to develop a new car. But they're having trouble installing windows.
"
219561,"""""I know exactly how you feel."""" *staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
"
35077,"What's a shrimp boat captain's favorite drink? Hi-C
"
101222,"Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot Me: *kisses her neck* H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it's freezing in here
"
193167,"*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
"
169170,"Roses are red, Violets are Blue. I have one mom, Kylie Jenner has two.
"
68113,"Behavioral studies show that those who use a lot of swear words tend to be more honest. That's what I've been trying to fcuking tell you!
"
5773,"Here's a joke for ya. A dyslexic man walks in to a bra.
"
2903,"While escaping from the police, what did one bug say to the other? You butterfly!
"
23748,"Tasted the best Borscht ever! It'll be hard to beet.
"
38796,"I was walking down the street one day when I heard someone playing Dancing Queen and Mamma Mia on the didgeridoo. That's Abba-rigonal
"
192740,"I know Taco Bell doesn't have """"I hate myself"""" sauce yet. But they should. They should.
"
98102,"How did Jared lose 40 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend
"
168979,"I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don't have great childing skills either.
"
38595,"My childhood was pretty traumatizing... for my parents.
"
69004,"What do you call a one legged woman? Eileen! What do you call a one legged Japanese woman. Irene! What do you call the Samoan lady who fell off the cliff? Eileen Tufa'a!
"
229101,"How does Bono spell """"color""""? With or without """"u""""
"
24674,"I notice you only call when you want something Person calling: ma'am your bill is 90 days past due
"
10282,"That awkward moment when someone adds you on Facebook, but never says hi in real life.
"
7811,"Why does Star Wars Movies numbering scheme starts with 4,5,6? Because in charge of the numbers, Yoda was
"
96008,"People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system. """"You have one new voicemail from... *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd""""
"
188420,"A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff... Ba-dum-tss.
"
123172,"Teenager is on the verge of comiting suicide, calls the Suicide Line for help... Cops show up to help. They kill him so he doesn't commit suicide.
"
162913,"Why can't orphans play baseball? they don't know where home is
"
1064,"If you want to set up and run a small company... ...that's your business
"
200835,"Social life? You mean my phone?
"
37739,"How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb? None. In Russia, light bulb changes you.
"
40792,"Why dosn't Jesus christ play hockey? Because he'd always get nailed into the boards
"
153300,"Why did the Italian wear handcuffs to bed? So he wouldn't talk in his sleep
"
61533,"If a regular frog says """"ribbit,"""" what does a horny frog say? """"Rubbit.""""
"
141400,"HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger? WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help ? WIFE : I use your toothbrush.
"
14307,"If Yoko Ono gave you herpes... Would that be strawberry fields forever?
"
68644,"what the hell does my dog have to sigh about
"
99907,"[runs inside of a gas station] """"I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT'S AN EMERGENCY!"""" *takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
"
67854,"What does one star say to another star when they meet? Glad to meteor!
"
135997,"Wanna read the worst joke ever? The worst joke ever.
"
130186,"My girlfriend tricked me into not having sex tonight... Talk about a missed erection. It's best if you read it out loud.
"
201884,"Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage Courage? More like a lack of balls
"
54853,"""""Why did u jump off that bridge?"""" My friend did it too """"Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?"""" Yes. I literally just said that
"
118650,"Why are black people so bad at walking up stairs? Cause niggas be trippin
"
167317,"Kids, you'll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil
"
76874,"Why didn't the blind man want a seeing eye dog? He wasnt about to take directions from some bitch
"
70027,"What do you call the useless flap of skin around the vagina? A woman. 'Nuff said.
"
212992,"Why is the bottom of the ocean so dark? Because black people can't swim.
"
75232,"The difference between Julius Caesar and a Rapist? Caesar came, saw, and conquered, a rapist saw, conquered and came.
"
110435,"""""A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .""""
"
230441,"What did Captain Kirk find at the end of the rainbow? a LepreKHAAAAAAN!
"
97168,"If I had a dime for every time I quoted the movie Blazing Saddles... I would have a shitload of dimes.
"
129202,"I like my women like I like my coffee Scolding and all over my legs
"
62780,"What's the similarity between eating a girl out and talking to the mafia? A slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
"
56783,"Freudian Slip... I got divorced over a Freudian slip. I meant to say, """"Please pass the salt"""" but I said, """"You rotten bitch, you ruined my life."""" (I think that's a Jackie Mason joke)
"
29436,"Damn girl, are you r/Jokes? Because your shit's getting old.
"
170273,"I'm rich! But not in money, just in read receipts from my ex-boyfriend who never replies!
"
106211,"How do you keep an idiot busy? loading...
"
30163,"Why do blind people always laugh at jokes? Same as why they don't drive. They never see it comming.
"
139967,"Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
"
90594,"What's the similarity between a match and a black person? You have to strike them against a rough surface to get them to work.
"
144407,"Are we done? Can we go? -A memoir.
"
184833,"Damn girl, are you (Insert here)? Because (Insert here). Now upvote it you simple minded fucks.
"
49916,"Where did Suzy go when the bombs fell? Everywhere.
"
180624,"I'm a lot like an iPhone 4. Girls always leave me in bars and my face is busted
"
366,"I don't like drive-thru's I think it's money out the window.
"
69993,"A woman files for divorce from her husband... citing that he makes too many Star Wars puns. When asked if this is true the husband says, """"Divorce is strong with this one.""""
"
35116,"Two fish swim into a concrete wall """"Dam""""
"
115887,"Library charged my Visa $15.60 for my son's lost Dr. Seuss book. Teri got mad oh yes she did, Teri got angry and grounded her kid.
"
181928,"What does grandma's crotch smell like? Depends
"
39585,"Giraffe: That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen! [5 min later] *vomits*
"
52161,"What is a ghost's favorite Wild West  town? Tombstone.
"
155837,"How many Sand People does it take to screw in a lightbulb? No one knows. They ride single file to hide their numbers.
"
89299,"[time travels to 1941 Berlin to kill Hitler] Damn I should've learned German [looks down at American flag bodysuit] This was also a bad idea
"
78380,"Apparently everyone was too high in the 70's when Grease came out to notice that every """"student"""" at Rydell High looked like they were 35
"
62525,"what type of music does a balloon hate? Pop music
"
106326,"Why did the man that drank 10 cups of poisoned Lipton not die? He drank so much poison it built his immuni-tea.
"
227710,"So many babies. So little ketchup.
"
185018,"Theres a new drug on the market designed for lesbians suffering from depression.... """"Trycoxagen""""
"
12374,"Me: """"Could you show me where the self-help books are?"""" Librarian: """"No.""""
"
76433,"Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
"
91599,"What do you call Irish sunscreen? A pub.
"
223822,"Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
"
55037,"Making a good baby joke is easy But the delivery is a bitch.
"
83721,"My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
"
32306,"How does Planned Parenthood paint their walls? They go to Home Depot, get paint and rollers Sometimes they hire private contractors Lots of paint and tarps and tape, it's not that fun
"
176405,"What do you call a girl with a tight vagina from Hong Kong? A Chinese finger trap
"
58775,"Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say """"when"""" and starts grating cheese on my salad I say nothing Room fills with Parmesan No one survives
"
117002,"I took biscuits with me on a date once. She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
"
36205,"Chuck Norris isn't real... If he had been real, he would've come here and probably smash my head on my keyboarjfjcjcndndjxucbfjdi oejebhh jdudyehsbsj
"
227560,"Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well... except when it rains.
"
192827,"Why were the treefrog's stories always so attention grabbing? Because he was absolutely ribbeting!
"
66512,"My card got declined buying toilet paper shit.
"
12783,"Why women fail at saving money? Have you ever seen a money-box (piggy bank) with a hole at the bottom...
"
228182,"How many ears does Captain Kirk have? 3: a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier. (Courtesy of my dad)
"
165228,"Why don't seagulls fly by the bay? Because then they'd be bagels
"
90899,"Did you hear about the new WinZip movie? They had too many cast members causing extra acting issues.
"
167754,"This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend """"Is it true that if you pull your finger out I'll sink?""""
"
97619,"What's Stephen Hawking's favorite meal? His shoulder.
"
100765,"[NSFW] I met a girl called Michelle at a bar... Her: Hi, I am Michelle Me: I am Donaldson, but people sometimes call me Dick. Her: How do you get Dick from Donaldson? Me: You ask nicely.
"
118646,"God: I need an Ark built. *Jesus lowers sunglasses* Jesus: I Noah guy.
"
144363,"What do you get when you have Avogadro's number of donkeys? Molasses.
"
47605,"Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is """"Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?""""
"
137654,"Why can't the penis and testicles ever be together? Because there's a vas deferens between them.
"
109850,"Girl, are you the New Deal? Because I can feel my infrastructure expanding.
"
185696,"How many Astros fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.
"
191450,"Apparently the running team had a huge orgy Inter-racial relationships.
"
218238,"What do you call a chef who's stingy with herbs? PARSLEYMONIOUS
"
229108,"My grandma started running 5K / day at age 60 She's 93 now, we have no idea where she is
"
188744,"What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common? They both know when you are sleeping.
"
168480,"Where do birds invest their money ? In the stork market !
"
193894,"Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it's no biggie by breaking into a jog and don't stop until I'm in a new city with a new life.
"
223002,"Oompa Loopa Doopity Doo Here's an executive order for you...
"
209350,"Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY'RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
"
40683,"Which country has the cheapest prostitutes? Vietnam. Because over there you need 20840 dongs to make a dollar.
"
26119,"With everything going on at reddit you would think that Pao would at least regreddit :)
"
105968,"Some guy who wasn't looking where he was going hit me with a stick today So I beat the shit out of him. And for good measure kicked his Labrador too.
"
6706,"I think I'm going to give away my old Dyson vacuum cleaner. It's just collecting dust.
"
139711,"Why do baked goods always have an urge for sex? Because they're in heat.
"
106851,"Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
"
101474,"If a woman gave in very fast it's not because of the man but the men that came before him.
"
51987,"NEVER FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM. I just came from wolfing down a Kit-Kat in the utility closet.
"
170815,"What is the purpose of war? """"God created War so that Americans would learn Geography"""" - Mark Twain
"
200322,"Imagine having cocks for hands and then being in business type situations where you have to shake hands. How embarrassing.
"
102718,"I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I'm actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
"
23967,"I went to see a palm reader. """"Judging by your palms,"""" he said, """"I can tell that you masturbate frequently."""" """"Sorry,"""" I apologised, """"I should probably wipe that off.""""
"
191914,"The Sun doesn't need to go to college Because it already has 28 million degrees.
"
59662,"If you punch a hippie, and a cop arrests you... Would you get arrested for disturbing the peace?
"
114890,"Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
"
117762,"Did you know Helen Keller lived in a haunted house? Neither did she.
"
35728,"A good friend will help you move. A great friend will help you move a body.
"
154417,"Why is NATO afraid of Russia? Cause Russia's been Putin them on notice. Just thought of this.
"
188941,"Why was the man intently watching the bowl of snickers? He wanted to see who would have the last laugh. ^^back ^^to ^^work...
"
131022,"What smells of cheese and is filled with holes? About 100 French people right now
"
142359,"'Say it with flowers' Send a wreath
"
146951,"bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
"
144970,"When life gives you lemons, wish that life had given you something to make a more original aphorism.
"
225371,"What do dolphins like to listen to? Podcasts.
"
170855,"My wife and I only went out for 5 months before we got married. We just knew... That she was pregnant.
"
15130,"All I want in this world is some one I can turn to and yell, """"Avenge Me!!"""" if I'm dying or wrongly accused of a crime. Oh and rocket shoes
"
115529,"The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
"
105510,"What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? Hip-pop.
"
36045,"There is a """"lie"""" in believe, """"over"""" in lover, """"end"""" in friend, """"us"""" in trust, """"ex"""" in """"next"""" & """"if"""" in life.
"
226150,"What happened to the ghost who couldn't scare? He had to join a support group since he couldn't handle his boos.
"
22936,"I saw a gay bar with the entrance boarded up, but it was open... Everyone goes in the back door anyway
"
145720,"It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
"
62517,"Have you ever heard about that joke you can't tell to gay people?
"
228156,"Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you. I'd like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
"
109620,"What do you call a bad circumcision? A rip off..
"
199847,"Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.
"
105213,"Roses are Red, Violets are blue...... who killed harambe? Cincinnati zoo
"
69282,"What does being questioned by interpol have in common with cunnilingus? One slip of the tongue and you're in the shit
"
229906,"NURSE: Doctor, I've lost the cat's pulse VET: Ok. Time of death is 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, 10:05, and 10:05
"
192534,"Songs with lyrics like, """"We don't need sleep,"""" why are you rebelling against naps? What are you--four?
"
212503,"Why did Pinocchio tell lies? Because he was a fucking liar! -from Louis CK's AMA-
"
80442,"My Son Is A Genius Mom 1: my son is so smart I swear he's the next Albert Einstein Mom 2: oh really? My son is the next Steven Hawking, he never gets his up off his ass
"
6858,"Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
"
28034,"When I was five, my Dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie... I miss snowballs, she was a good cat.
"
72989,"Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis. Contestant: What is love? *dance party erupts*
"
180125,"Holocaust jokes are... Hitlarious.
"
137649,"There's no wrong answer until you answer differently than me.
"
10749,"All women have an hour glass figure - it's just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.
"
172210,"Having a Hot Wife is like being a diabetic with a coupon for unlimited cheesecakes. It may look nice but you never get to use it. Source: Have a Hot Wife, Never get laid
"
97881,"Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, gets on a podium and encourages all black men in America to buy guns to protect themselves from white guys with guns. Just kidding.
"
140339,"Today marks 5 yrs of being smoke free!! Now I spend my time finding new places to hide the bodies of those who've pissed me off!
"
66629,"I made a joke at the US-Mexico border jajajajajajahahahaha
"
68631,"I don't see why everyone is up in arms about Oscar Pistorius.... Haven't we all woken up legless and fired a few into the missus?
"
28360,"Smokey: """"Only you can prevent forest fires"""" Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
"
94724,"Let's have all your football jokes, I'll start . . . """"What's the most dangerous job in the NFL?"""" Sucking the air out of Tom Brady's balls.
"
94532,"Why can't you ever build a great relationship with an archer? Because at the end of they day they don't want any strings attached!
"
203324,"Three guys walk into a bar... You think the third guy would have learned to duck.
"
181027,"I think I missed the driver ed class on how inching forward every 5 seconds at a red light makes it turn green faster.
"
113134,"If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying """"look, I just need space"""" then you're wasting everyone's time.
"
15909,"How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? Wanna go ride bikes?
"
148622,"Leading up to the wedding (NAME) has been on a whiskey diet. His lost three days already.
"
110103,"I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she's gonna be pissed.
"
188061,"My friend tried to convince me that hard drugs should remain illegal... ...but his argument had no substance.
"
159410,"How do you tell an astronaut where they're going? Straight up.
"
224213,"Scientists believe the world began with the """"Big Bang"""". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a """"bad case of gas"""".
"
187094,"Life is like a box of chocolates neither lasts long for a fat person
"
90216,"Drugs have taken me to some really dark places in my life... Seriously, like really poorly lit crack houses
"
47906,"I want to tell you all a UDP joke ... but you might not get it.
"
67385,"Haven't refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
"
39183,"Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles? He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
"
175565,"If abortion is murder... wearing a condom must be kidnapping.
"
35725,"Political Satire If con is the opposite of pro, then what's the opposite of progress? Also, opposite of consitution.
"
161740,"why was the blonde staring at the light bulb for long hours with her mouth open? because the doctor advised her to """"eat light""""
"
196516,"Why is the brain always anxious? It's part of the nervous system.
"
124063,"What's a polar bear? It's a Cartesian bear after a coördinate transform.
"
81149,"What does the bride of a Russian man get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name.
"
5136,"Weed strin humor At the dispensary there is a strain called Aldous Huxley. If you smoke it with your wife she becomes sterile. #LegalWeedJokes
"
174972,"I was just diagnosed with colorblindness... I was so surprised, it just came out of the green!
"
191127,"If a tree falls in the forest... ...and Linkin Park was playing a concert adjacent to that tree, in the end, does it even matter?
"
77083,"A black lady named Betty walks into a butcher shop that's always running out of things and ask for some beef The butcher replies """"No black Betty, ham or lamb?""""
"
198061,"I'm really not a fast driver I just don't like having anyone in front of me... Officer
"
186050,"My wife's been nagging me to see the dentist about a tooth extraction. She says getting me to go is like pulling teeth.
"
131090,"Mozart got sick and tired and decided to slaughter all his chickens. They wouldn't stop going Bach bach bach.
"
153529,"friendzone how many """"friend-zoned"""" guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they'll just compliment it and get pissed when it won't screw.
"
227754,"What did the farting pharaoh say to the farting slave? We only have a Toot in common.
"
176428,"Where would you find an algebraic Sailors hat? Indice
"
110750,"They say attractiveness is relative... my cousin seemed to disagree
"
47907,"What do Whitney Houston and Antarctica have in common? 100% chance of snow
"
192536,"How does a Nazi high five? Up heil, down low!
"
189895,"Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn't change colors? He had a reptile-dysfunction.
"
44978,"A blind guy walks into the kitchen.... ...and picks up a cheese grater. Runs his fingers up and down the grater: """"who the f*ck wrote these stupid things?""""
"
159563,"Why do rednecks love Halloween? They get to pump-kin.
"
121170,"""""Hey you know how everyone's favorite part of the sandwich is the meat, let's add an extra slice of bread?"""" - Inventor of club sandwich
"
83195,"What did the manager of the frankenstein museum say? I'VE CURATED A MONSTER!
"
103603,"What did the sheep say to the sheepdog faking deafness? """"You herd me!""""
"
120106,"Do you want to buy a broken barometer? No pressure..
"
199512,"Girl: What do you like to do in your free time? Guy: I spy on people. Girl: Really? I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends. Guy: I know.
"
88514,"Two termites go on a date.. Waiter: what would you like to order sir? Termite: Table for two.
"
100830,"i don't drink to forget, i drink to remember how much i like drinking.
"
118675,"I'm Asexual, I don't give a fuck.
"
15800,"A french gymnast is getting ready to perform... His coach walks up and says, """"Break a leg!""""
"
52810,"A horse walks to a bar... Many people get up and leave the bar as they see the potential danger in the situation.
"
14907,"Me: I can't get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it. Whiskey: Yes you can.
"
104992,"What's the new French flag look like? A white cross emblazoned on a white background!
"
95515,"Why did the comedian mermaid die ? Because it had a dry sense of humor .
"
229553,"Why did reddit's admins go back to school? because they can't spell """"read it"""".
"
205578,"What do you call a Jew that can fly? Smoke
"
172281,"Why don't you see blind people skydiving? Because it scares the fuck out of the guide dogs.
"
106757,"The bible says any man who lies with a man should be taken out and stoned, so I took all my gay friends out and got them wasted.
"
15138,"Like a good neighbor, StateFarm is...
"
209945,"Did you hear about the crazy chickens that took over a farm? It was a cuckoo coop coup.
"
3592,"Dad got his son a birthday card A dad got his son a bday card that said """"Holey cow! It's your birthday!"""" And it had a picture of a cow with holes in it.
"
48979,"Movies taught me that if your kid is talking to ghosts, alone in their room, leave that brat in there, and run while you're still alive.
"
187513,"What is a computer programmers favorite brand of ice cream. Haagen DOS
"
29485,"I heard the chief of police on the news saying """"we will never forget 9 11"""" I should bloody hope so its your phone number
"
115231,"I was really angry when my wife tried to sue me for impotence But luckily they couldn't make it stand up in court
"
185994,"What does a nut say when it sneezes? Cashew.
"
198162,"If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
"
154980,"A couple was having anal sex when he noticed something brown on his penis That was some fucked up shit.
"
190672,"What I Say To 7: """"This is just between us"""" What 7 Hears: """"Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse""""
"
35653,"What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won't take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
"
52850,"*gently places finger on caroler's lips* you had me at """"O come""""
"
54495,"What is a Dolphins favorite ingredient? All porpoise flour.
"
217292,"When my roommate won't wash the dishes I always leave a note'hey please do the dishes, because I will wash one knife & use it in your sleep'
"
177721,"What's the best part of dating 29 year olds? There's 20 of them. (More funny out loud)
"
5669,"On his first day, my gay friend lost his job at the sperm bank. He was caught drinking on the job.
"
42704,"""""There is a man!"""" Sarah doesn't dare to walk into the restroom. Jane sees that and asks """"Why are you standing in front of the Gentlement Restroom?"""". Sarah kept silent.
"
170979,"What's the most poular Christmas carol in the desert? Oh caaamel ye faithful.
"
12687,"I hate when I shoot someone with finger pistols but I forgot to take the safety off so nothing happened and NOW IT'S SO AWKWARD :(
"
75400,"*watching The Revenant* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* *rewind* *play* Him: What are you doing? Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
"
16787,"What's the disease that slowly turns your skin black? Rap Music
"
204174,"Valentine man I knew him, you see, This certain young man, And that is why I saw him and ran. In the plan of the ages This tragedy is  That I should be An acquaintance of his.
"
23010,"Your mum should get tested for HIV It will be the only positive thing in her life
"
2200,"My paper aeroplane won't fly. It's completely stationery.
"
86316,"3 things that happened today 1. My friend says he hates reddit 2. My friend gets hit by a bus 3. I loose my bus driver license
"
212741,"Why do Italians carry slices of turd in their wallets? For identification.
"
106844,"If I'm ever on life support unplug me,, and then plug me back in again,, and see if that works.
"
108974,"Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
"
140257,"[wedding] i wrote my own vows *removes paper* """"chickety china the chinese chicken"""" whoops wrong one *2nd paper* """"if i had $1,000,000""""
"
132723,"Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper """"I know it's been you shitting in my yard.""""
"
108224,"I'll never call a radio station because I'm afraid they'll give me tickets to go somewhere and do something.
"
6370,"Apparently people keep mistaking me for their Mirrors because they keep saying I'm ugly or fat
"
180348,"Donkeys kill more people annually than airplane crashes so watch your ass.
"
176258,"Every.Bad.Thing.You.Ever.Did.[COMPILATION].1080p.HDTV.x264-TORRENT.torrent
"
114998,"What is the difference between an apple and an orange? None, the two are not a snake
"
224850,"Whats the hardest part of cooking a potato? Signing the legal guardian paperwork
"
98869,"You are what you eat Asshole
"
144105,"What's a porn star's favorite dessert? Cookies and MILF
"
87883,"Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize? Because he was out standing in his field.
"
210579,"""""Is that the guy who doesn't know how to use the word poignant?"""" Yea shhh he's coming over here THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
"
155137,"I have not ate, drink, slept, used the bathroom, or showered since last year. I have also not told this joke since last year.
"
141622,"An Irishman walks out of a bar... It could happen
"
49754,"What do you get if you cross an eel with a shopper? A slippery customer.
"
52549,"Whats the difference between to dicks and a joke? Your mom cant take a joke. (Heard this from somebody in my class today)
"
46209,"If your conspiracy theory doesn't involve cats, don't bother me.
"
197546,"Sexism Hurts Everyone I mean, I'm a sexist, and I can't get a girlfriend, so who the fuck is going to do my laundry?
"
223543,"I got into a fight over this stupid dress. It got heated my friend punched me and know I have a big white and gold mark on my eye.
"
177107,"The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
"
106435,"If it acts like a duck, sounds like a duck and looks like a duck, then it is probably some girl on Instagram taking a selfie.
"
128798,"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus??? It only takes one nail to hang a photo
"
69267,"Where do pirates go in the summer? In ARRgentina.
"
72917,"The only thing more annoying than Libertarians are the people who complain about Libertarians
"
146108,"What's black and white all over and difficult? An exam paper!
"
34198,"How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?? Slow down and grab some lube!!
"
203492,"Doesn't the president pardon a Turkish jet every thanksgiving?
"
181223,"""""How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?"""" """"It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.""""
"
49886,"The beauty of meditation is it helps instill inner peace in someone that makes it easy to pick his pockets.
"
96425,"It's all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you're too small to drag off the body.
"
96241,"Democrats have been really angry over the 2016 election results The last time Democrats were THIS angry is when the Republicans took their slaves away
"
67508,"Cutting out gluten is a great way to lose weight and friends
"
99814,"A man's ears were exposed to a high frequency sound... He said """"It hertz.""""
"
214793,"Why is food better than men? Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
"
96311,"What's the fastest way to make money as a guitarist? By selling your guitar.
"
191906,"When I was little, I didn't give a fuck about what to wear. My parents dressed me up. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it seems they didn't give a fuck either.
"
14128,"Why don't boxers have sex before a fight? They don't fancy each other.
"
203199,"How much jizz does a gay dude have? A buttload
"
165005,"Why are white people bad at chess? They think all the white pieces are kings.
"
125108,"Why did Johnny drop his ice cream? Because he got hit by a truck!
"
189165,"Knock Knock. *Who's There?* A Kid! *A Kid Who?* A kid who cant reach the doorbell.
"
99403,"Jesus walks into a bar No he didn't, because he isn't real.
"
224614,"What's the difference between a whore and a prostitute? Capitalism.
"
142776,"I was telling my friend a joke. """"There was this gorilla... ..."""" """"I fucking swear, if this is another Harambe joke, I..."""" """"Well, thanks for killing it.""""
"
83705,"Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.
"
207847,"I recently found out that I'm colorblind... It came out of the purple.
"
193898,"What's bad about wetting your bed? Urine it.
"
28999,"a baby seal walks into a club..
"
60890,"What's worse than finding hair in your food? Finding out the chef is bald.
"
210253,"What does an engineer use for birth control? Their personality.
"
28049,"What did Chuck Norris told his father when he left home for college? You are the man of the house now.
"
25653,"I think this is the weekend to finally tell my parents I'm straight.
"
198953,"Our bank manager can't ride a bike any more. Why not? He lost his balance.
"
213856,"What's the motto of the Mexican army? An Army of Juan
"
169927,"Went to fight.. Hockey game broke out.
"
68341,"He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
"
74567,"What's Chris Brown's favourite drink? Punch
"
94372,"Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote """"blackbird"""" about Batman
"
223739,"Q: What do you call a 30 foot purple dinosaur named Fred who has acne and is scared of penguins? A: Fred.
"
18275,"Teacher: I said to draw a cow eating some grass but you've only drawn the cow ? Pupil: Yes the cow ate all the grass !
"
124388,"My relationship Looks like vasectomy made a vas deferens to my relationship...
"
115474,"2 reasons why im fat 1) i eat when I'm bored 2) im always bored
"
197356,"what is a vegetable's favorite singer? elvis parsley what is a fly's favorite singer? gnat king cole
"
43740,"Massacre between rival musicians at the Symphony Orchestra today, . Authorities have condemned this act of Violins
"
120256,"Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!
"
138590,"Haters gonna hate, thermometers gonna thermom
"
154026,"Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
"
172822,"Dad: Don't be selfish. Let your brother use the sled half the time. Son: I do Dad. I use it going down the hill and he gets to use it coming up!
"
82138,"I love fucking love coffee. It's what keeps me up at night.
"
221247,"Why did the film critic protest the new children's cemetery? He's not a fan of juvenile plots.
"
46898,"When it comes to volunteering on my gynecology residency, I'm the first to put my hand up.
"
58465,"Q: What does Shakespeare say when he is angry with his dog? A: Out, out, damned Spot!
"
74952,"Why do so many girls do archaeology degrees? Because they love digging up the past.
"
78863,"How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin? None. It is all tongue and groove
"
160099,"No sweetie, you can't have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that's not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
"
37420,"What did the triangle say to the circle? Why are you so pointless?
"
79735,"THE MERMAID WHY DID THE MERMAID WEAR SEASHELLS? BECAUSE SHE GREW OUT OF HER B-SHELLS !!! BADA BUM !!!
"
126591,"How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it? With a monkey wrench.
"
64546,"[making small talk at a business function] """"You're 35 aren't you?"""" """"No, I'm 38"""" """"Oh right"""" [long silence] """"Did you used to be 35?""""
"
157008,"[first day in the mob] *leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I've always wondered: are they all just named """"Don"""" or...
"
128961,"A girl walks to his boyfriend and says.... I have some good news and some bad news, and I'm gonna tell you both at the same time. Amongst all your friends, you have the biggest dick.
"
226530,"[Job Interview] How would you describe your time management skills? Me: Can we talk about this later? I'm late for an appointment.
"
13102,"I wish cartoons would have prepared me for working and doing taxes instead of, like, quicksand
"
58236,"What's the Titanic's Favorite Holiday? Sink-o de Mayo.
"
115604,"Why don't men like going Downtown with women? Because eating-out can be so expensive.
"
132451,"I recently bought 51% of a vampire hunting company. I'm now the main stake holder.
"
87760,"Alice is travelling at a speed of light.. when a traffic police pulls along side and asks her name, she says she is alive.
"
141282,"What's Fonzie's favorite indefinite article? Ehhhhhh!
"
199694,"Know how to tell the sex of an ant? Throw it in water! If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats... buoyant.
"
190042,"How many points do you get if you hit a golfer? Fore.
"
61754,"""""Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,"""" said the girl who failed chemistry.
"
96427,"What do Jews call a lone rabbit? A rabbi.
"
147643,"What do you get if King Kong sits on  your best friend? A flat mate.
"
101407,"What do 6.28 people eat? 2
"
23747,"I'm really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
"
165658,"What did the Calendar say to the Wall-clock the moment it became June 1st? """"I am dismayed!""""
"
129882,"Nothing is too good for my girlfriend on Valentines day... I tried to get her nothing, but she was too good for that.
"
209962,"I got in trouble with a band recently... when I had the audacity to edit their music.
"
51093,"My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person So I can get a better girlfriend ---Not OC, credit: Anthony Jeselnik
"
150307,"Why did you cut me down, lumberjack? Lumberjack: Oh, you really don't know why? Tree: Sorry, I'm stumped.
"
169833,"Why don't Asians get constipated? Because of their frequent bow movements.
"
8883,"Free joke for rats: Pick up a cashew and pretend to use it as a phone.
"
188601,"What does a bee from Asia do? Nepallinates flowers.
"
3880,"Pappu:- Should i punished for the work which I have not done?? Teacher: - No of course not, but why do you ask? Pappu: - Because, I have not done my home work.... :) :)
"
41001,"I met a 14 year old girl on the internet... She was clever, funny, flirty, and sexy. I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?
"
104251,"What's 72? 69 with 3 people watching!
"
68761,"What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic.
"
69013,"How did little Hitler tie his shoes? With little Nazis.
"
111959,"A man's wife gets angry about him switching to bitcoins He says """"Why don't you switch to bitchcoins?""""
"
148486,"Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes ones a year & when he does its in a chimney!
"
85514,"Why do the French only eat one egg for breakfast? In France, one egg is un oeuf
"
77713,"How do you make a cat bark? Drench it with gasoline, drop a lighted match on it... Woof!
"
44211,"What career choice to hippies usually pick? Chemistry, because there is lots of acid involved.
"
94632,"What's the scariest thing a blind person can read in Braille? """"Danger: Do not touch""""
"
114147,"How come blind people never tell bad jokes? Because they can't """"see themselves out"""" :D ..I'll.. I'll see myself out.
"
59075,"Leave any two Arabs alone in a room and throw in a sharp stick... come back fifteen minutes later and one of them is going to have that stick in his eye.
"
195725,"What Do You Call a Terrible German Hot-dog Stand Owner? The Wurst Guy.
"
97397,"My grandpa just died of lung cancer... He fought it asbestos he could.
"
119977,"How much does it cost to clean up Germany? About 6 million.
"
130524,"Unless you've studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you've read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn't valid -Nobody ever
"
31435,"Isn't it weird how when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
"
195783,"what do you call a young, green Pumpkin for Halloween? A premature e-Jack-O'-Lantern.
"
179022,"Shrek came out in 2001 Good for him
"
125870,"Why do pens get sent to prison ? To do long sentences !
"
83685,"I'd like to think that my exes see me as """"the one who got away,"""" but it's probably more like """"the one who got away from the police.""""
"
167086,"I heard ISIS hates gay people so much they put a Fatwa on the entire city of San Francisco They called it 'A Haram Bay'
"
123723,"Five out of six people are okay with Russian Roulette... ... The sixth one loves it to death.
"
204543,"""""Mickey Mouse, it says you want to divorce Minnie because she was... extremely silly?"""" """"No, I said she was fucking Goofy.""""
"
39598,"If I am attacked by a group of clowns..... should I always go for the juggler?
"
182823,"Now that it's 2017, to be accepting, I no longer see gender or age.... especially after my trip to Thailand
"
111365,"What kind of dog is best at keeping secrets? hush puppies
"
17144,"If you are at school, and the urge to take drugs hits you... Speak to the supply teacher..
"
172071,"[holds up bread] """"This is my body"""" [holds up wine] """"this is my blood"""" [holds up puppy] """"and this is my new pet"""" [apostles go fricken nuts]
"
89253,"What kind of star wears sunglasses? A movie star.
"
28597,"Stop poking me on Facebook uncle Brian it's not cute anymore
"
45527,"According to math, I'm broke
"
9153,"Relationship Status: Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board. I can't even get lucky in the spirit world.
"
45991,"What does a teenage southern girl say while having sex? Get off me Daddy! You're crushing my cigarettes!
"
30543,"You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I: a) Walk through a spider web? b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap? c) Try to use Scotch tape?
"
185664,"Recent Studies... Recent studies show that 4 out of 5 blondes are blonde
"
221265,"Report card day: The only day where double D's are a bad thing.
"
110785,"What is the best way to lose money? A: Lend it to Greece.
"
29333,"Why is an elephant braver than a hen ? Because the elephant isn't chicken !
"
28226,"BAD: When your date has been in the Men's Room for 45 mins. WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says """"he's not coming back""""
"
4988,"How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
"
17004,"It's uncool to be religious. It's uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyonce. It's the only way to be safe.
"
82718,"Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.
"
222176,"Whats white and salty? Salt.
"
73001,"[Meta] I made a subreddit for anti pickup lines If you want to post an antipick up line, post it to /r/antipickuplines
"
140153,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Him: why did the chicken cross the road? Her: I don't know. Him: to go to the shops. Do you think that's funny? Her: No. Him: neither did the chicken.
"
59283,"Why is a woman's asshole like a 9 volt battery? Because we all know it's wrong but sooner or later we're gonna put our tongue on it.
"
155185,"Why did the boy laugh when he was molested by a test? Because the testicles
"
152431,"Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?  A. Drool.
"
49299,"What's the difference between a cunt and an asshole? According to the latest polls, about 4%.
"
159630,"What do you call a jelly bear that died and came back? A mummy bear
"
37857,"Newtown's First Law (OC) Newtown's First Law: For every crisis, there is an opportunistic power-grab by the government to trade freedom for 'security'.
"
145184,"Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries. Me: *goes home* *puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box* *eats 12 donuts*
"
39130,"Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee's you're buying it off of sure can.
"
230350,"what do you call 4 mexicans in a sinking boat? quatro cinqo ^im sorry
"
210237,"Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they- *coroner covers the body with a sheet* Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
"
209408,"A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead
"
32055,"I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
"
116489,"Me: Did you finish the banana bread? 16: yep Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread. 16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
"
11979,"Does anybody know the name of that Godzilla Movie? It's the one where another monster actually breaks one of Godzilla's legs. I can't remember the name of the movie, but it has a huge cast.
"
195984,"How do truckers contact each other in Wisconsin? They use a Milwaukee-Talkie
"
182384,"What is a group of Pedophiles called? A conclave!
"
104505,"Most of us are 2 feet away from being a double amputee...
"
114365,"What do you do with spoiled fish food? Load it in the chum dumpster.
"
93044,"I had this really funny joke about the sun i was going to tell you all, but some bastard has made a funnier joke about the moon and totally eclipsed it.
"
80356,"WAIT, THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM!
"
196454,"Accidents happen everyday... You were one of them.
"
144503,"I get beavers and similar animals mixed up. I otter know better.
"
20092,"Who would be Sub Zero's perfect rival in the Marvel Universe? Thor.
"
86040,"What did Mike Tyson say when he saw Breaking Bad? That's methed-up!
"
182796,"I was going to buy some classical CDs... But it turns out I'm baroque.
"
219193,"There's a high proportion of people with ASD in scientific fields. Autism causes vaccines.
"
41488,"The 5 signs of laziness 1.
"
194416,"I'm pretty good at getting divorced men I date to give their ex another chance.
"
220641,"Why don't you go down on a girl first thing in the morning? Haven't you ever peeled apart a hot grilled cheese sandwich?
"
99092,"A Catholic named Jose climbed mount Olympus. He saw God at the top and said """"Hey! Zeus!""""
"
229942,"What do you call a small wardrobe? A battledrobe.
"
93767,"What's the difference between a raccoon and a boner? I don't have a raccoon.
"
81001,"""""Ben Carson makes stuff up"""" said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
"
153670,"How fast can Klingon's run? About Warf speed. My mom made this joke up last night at a bbq party. She likes to think she is funnier on holidays. Thanks, Mom.
"
64635,"How should you send a letter to the Easter  Bunny? By hare mail!
"
47768,"[Meeting girlfriend's parents] Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks! <Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>
"
223342,"Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
"
194113,"A jokey named Chris is running late for his race... ...his coach points at his horse and yells """"Chris top her"""" Edit: Spelling
"
102321,"What's worse than peaking in high school? Climaxing to middle schoolers.
"
44695,"To be a good dentist... ...you must think laterally and incisively.
"
122380,"I always thought, hey, at least air is free ...until I bought a bag of chips.
"
82204,"I think my husband is having an affair with the computer because he's always fucking on it.
"
16308,"The keurig machine at work acts like its going to give me coffee, but it turns off at the last minute. I feel like I'm getting brew balls.
"
40015,"I need some white people jokes! I would especially love to hear these from someone of a different race. It's my birthday and this would make it complete.
"
42293,"What do you call a bench with white people? the NBA
"
132952,"- If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you! - Don't be selfish, think about the baby. - What baby? - Oh, so you're not pregnant?
"
226028,"My girlfriends dad asked me what I do. Apparently, """"your daughter"""" wasn't the right answer.
"
68642,"Every girl on Tumblr smells like Chapstick and cats.
"
188539,"My mom caught me smoking weed. She punished me by sending me to my room without any supper.
"
99058,"[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
"
58500,"Q. Where can you dance in California? A. San Fran-disco
"
11734,"Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.
"
167555,"What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday? Swine flu
"
63301,"Officer- I'm giving you a ticket for your speed Me- That's heroin Officer-... Me- Want some? Officer-... Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
"
212734,"Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that's what I named my new Lego set)
"
179615,"What's the difference between a pedophile and a cinephile? I won't tell you which one I am, but I like to bring my own candy and just watch.
"
138853,"I lost my favorite ash tray. Child Protective Services took him.
"
128395,"""""I invented the cubicle."""" - Someone hopefully in Hell
"
80263,"Best one I know, and quite apt this time of year! :D Americans think they have Freedom!
"
141857,"My wife wants me to be her sexual advisor She said:""""if I want your fucking opinion I'll ask for it""""
"
157885,"If there was such a thing g as competitive Bible Study, would the championships be called prayoffs?
"
144770,"I heard there was a bombing in Times Square. But it was just Mariah.
"
178485,"Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.
"
190464,"How do you send a sandwich to someone on a computer? in bytes
"
158158,"What was Bin Laden's favourite brand? Jihadidas.
"
139444,"Inspecting mirrors.... ....is a job I can see myself doing.
"
176988,"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer: *WHACK!* and shouts """"DAMN!"""" A bad skydiver: shouts """"DAMN!"""" *WHACK*
"
216819,"Since you've discovered the Internet you don't pay any attention to me! Who said that?
"
106108,"I went to the Zoo today They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
"
178280,"What kills thousands of smokers a year? Natural Causes
"
225679,"You can't prove that I'm not the center of the universe.
"
214495,"Do you know how to plant tulips? Yes, then how about planting tu-lips on this
"
194199,"I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
"
164543,"A baby horse is found injured. The cause of the injury is unknown, but foal play is suspected.
"
14416,"Offensive jokes? Is there a subreddit for this?
"
66819,"How do Itallian chefs swap emails? By spaghett-e-mail!
"
196181,"How do you call sons of australians and germans? Men at Work
"
74588,"That awkward moment when your girlfriend and side chick are both pregnant... ...and you realize you have to tell your wife.
"
184214,"What did the fucking zombie say? Crack whores.
"
46864,"It was that time of the month. I said to the wife, 'you know, your mouth isn't bleeding...' She replied, 'yours will be if you keep up with that shit'
"
160424,"A programmer goes on a walk XD
"
230458,"What hood was the Swedish cholo from? StockHOLMES!
"
16799,"You only live once? False, you live everyday. You only die once.
"
169502,"Why was the chessmaster interested in foreign women? He wanted a Czech mate.
"
74025,"Is BB hungry? No, BB-8
"
125490,"Saying Java is good because it works on Windows, Linux and Mac OS is like saying... Anal sex is good because it works on men, women, and animals.
"
8364,"Q: How many UPM's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None! If you'd just make it a day exterior we wouldn't be screwing around with all these damn light bulbs!""""
"
58900,"What does DNA stand for? The National Dyslexic Association
"
174370,"best joke ever.. HL3 confirmed
"
211617,"What do you think of wearing a straight jacket? I think I could pull it off
"
146948,"What do you call an autistic stoner? A baked potato
"
114723,"When life gets you down I realize that you might feel overwhelmed. Bur remember, when life gives you lemmings.... toss them off a cliff
"
12623,"Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
"
59405,"Why did Muhammad hire Moses to help with his start-up? He wanted to double his prophets.
"
38579,"I hope it's true that girls eventually turn into their mothers, because this girl I just ran over has a mother who's alive.
"
14126,"what do you call a mexican with no legs? A paragraph, because he's not a full essay.
"
48773,"Why do white girls always hang out in odd numbers? Because they can't even.
"
144122,"a little known fact A little known fact but 6 out of 7 dwarfs ain't Happy......
"
16260,"What's the hardest part of skydiving? The ground!
"
50453,"Me: Santa, why are women so scary? Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
"
163740,"I hate all the political correctness in recent years. I can't even say """"black paint"""" anymore, I have to say """"hey Jamal, would you please go paint that fence over there?""""
"
90770,"Prepping for the first day of work after a long holiday break. Currently watching YouTube videos to re-learn how to put on pants.
"
96843,"I don't know why some people are so against jokes about the Nazi's They kill in the Jewish communities
"
220360,"My phone battery can last longer than most relationships these days.
"
111848,"What is the hardest part of cuting a baby in half with a straight razor? My erection.
"
80949,"Knock knock. Who's there? A black guy. """"A black guy who?"""" """"A black guy who doesn't pay his child support."""" """"I'm sorry, you're going to have to be more specific than that.""""
"
172743,"No thanks, toilets that flush. -kids
"
168161,"There's a new magazine for gay military members.It's mainly just photos of Privates.
"
33006,"Two Na atoms are together on the battlefield... One of them gets shot. """"I've been hit!"""" he yells. The other one looks at him. """"Are you sure?"""" He replies, """"I'm positive!""""
"
89415,"I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
"
97551,"Scientists have created a cotton plant resistant to boll weevils. When asked about it, they replied, """"It's unbollweevible.""""
"
1487,"Wanna meet Santa's little helper?
"
138705,"The best joke today.... Lol @ your username
"
173978,"A little ad suggestion for durex We contain your orgasms! Literally.
"
220006,"On a poster in my math class """"4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions"""" The sad thing is my first thought was """"Oh good, I'm not alone!""""
"
211528,"A Completely Original Joke Oops, I forgot it son-of-a-b***h..!!!
"
186203,"Tall Grande at Venti. It's the midget psychic at large in the perspective of Starbucks. Can I get internet points now?
"
209590,"My stomach just made a really weird noise. I'm sending a pizza down to check it out.
"
149745,"What do you call a guy who refuses to serve people from Finland at his bar? A man with unfinnished buisness.
"
122044,"Longest verb What's the longest verb in the English language? Smiles. There is a mile between the first and the last letter.
"
69895,"My wife and I tried anal for the first time... is it supposed to hurt this much? i couldn't sit upright for a while...
"
146071,"Do you know how to save a Muslim from drowning ? Click if you don't know the answer . That's good :) .  // you can replace muslim by anything , it is a racist JOKE //
"
207110,"Trump did great, but... ...imagine how much he would have won by if Clinton hadn't rigged the election.
"
193932,"I painted my computer black so it would run faster... ... But it didn't.
"
3846,"They say don't go to a grocery store when you're hungry But I ran out of food a week ago
"
36445,"Why did the Gluteus Maximus feel bullied? He was the butt of many jokes.
"
182503,"I'll huff I'll puff and I'll smoke all of your stuff. -Big Broke Wolf
"
66071,"Jehovah's Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies ...
"
139435,"Told a girl she's more attractive when she's not wearing glasses and she said I'm also more attractive when she's not wearing glasses.
"
151501,"90s kids won't get this . . Social Security benefits. .
"
153931,"I keep photos of my wife and children in my wallet. They sit in the pockets where my money used to be.
"
126232,"Why aren't there any introverted suicide bombers? They have a hard time sharing what's inside with strangers.
"
123787,"Just got a holiday card from a doctor addressed to the dead guy who used to live here. Sending back a card that says """"You suck at your job.""""
"
74302,"""""Children can be very cruel,"""" I reassure my 6 year-old. """"But sometimes it seems like you aren't even trying.""""
"
86941,"All night long I dreamed that I was a pumpkin. When I woke up, my sister was pregnant.
"
39852,"Santa has elves. America has China.
"
100100,"What do you call a lad that put on his glasses? Seymour.
"
167636,"The next President of the United States. The joke is in the title , but it makes me cry.
"
152712,"Why did Steve fall off the swing? Because he was a potato!
"
134717,"I heard hookers are now offering the """"Romney"""" for $1,000. It includes every position.
"
28211,"The issue of cannibalism and the afterlife A cannibal dies. He moves on to the afterlife. He goes to a bar. He drinks a spirit. He says """"sorry, I needed seconds."""".
"
203987,"Plumber ditches wife Plumber Ditches his wife. """"Its Over-Flo""""
"
35283,"A turtle is crossing the road.... when he is mugged by two snails. When the police show up they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies """"I don't know...it all happened so fast!""""
"
74889,"How do you fit 10 lbs of shit into a 5 lb sack? The same way you take the F out of 'way'
"
50823,"What do you call a fat Chinese person? A chunk
"
191405,"My Grandmother always leaves long voicemails. Its 5 minutes of her talking and 10 minutes of her trying to hang up the phone.
"
167019,"Husband: """"Lost my keys again."""" Wife: """"It's in your Jeans."""" Husband: """"Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!""""
"
181203,"Personally, I'm fine with what Reddit's admins are doing. It's fun watching them Digg their own grave.
"
179035,"My father used to put snowballs in the blender and make great slushies Snowballs was a great cat
"
84288,"whats the hardest thing about walking through a field of dead babies? my dick
"
180508,"The one time I actually wanted to use the word """"duck"""" in a text... and my phone autocorrects it to """"fuck"""". What the duck.
"
54324,"What does a Jewish man attacking Pearl Harbour say? Torah! Torah! Torah!
"
25274,"This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
"
44662,"There's nothing like being 4 or 5 deers beep.
"
137764,"Satan is so gay!
"
86384,"How do you get an Aussie to climb up on the roof? Tell him drinks are on the house.
"
148281,"Fun prank... Make them study for 16 years and then don't give them jobs
"
63922,"[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist] ...But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
"
18893,"Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo
"
92145,"Planning a murder/suicide is kind of pessimistic, what if the murder part cheers you up?
"
169874,"PMS Jokes aren't funny. Period.
"
16137,"[DIY] How to turn your dishwasher into a snowblower Buy the bitch a shovel
"
74757,"A long time ago, I thought of a soda joke. I'd share it with you, but I'm afraid I think it'd fall flat.
"
84243,"I like my coffee how I like my ladies Strong, black, and preferably fair trade
"
230640,"Why did the medieval Indian go to the doctor? He was feeling a bit Sikh
"
121269,"The town I'm in has chickens roaming around freely. I hear that our dog went chasing one a while ago, but nobody can tell me the date. I don't know when she ran a fowl.
"
14192,"I was getting a checkup from my doctor this morning He said """"Now son, you gotta stop masterbating!"""" I said in shock """" what?"""" He replied """"Well At least until I finish your God damn exam!!""""
"
97883,"Black jokes and Mexican jokes are all the same, once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamall.
"
92827,"How much rest does a bad Sheppard get? Not a ton, he has a lot of sheepless nights.
"
214404,"I didn't sleep a wink last night because my neighbor was screaming her head off. I think she doesn't like my basement.
"
152637,"NEMESIS: i hate you ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend NEMESIS: so can you stay the night? ME: i'll ask my mom
"
197335,"every time you say the word """"turnt"""" a baby gets run over by a smart car
"
46957,"What do you call a pirate who is all out of reales(Silver coins)? Long Gone Silver... /drops mic
"
199249,"Why can't you fool an aborted fetus? It wasn't born yesterday.
"
196242,"I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are """"Halloween decorations"""" again.
"
128692,"So apparently it's rude if somebody asks if you have a light & you tell them they'll have to go to the end of the tunnel to find it...
"
122257,"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way I told you!
"
218064,"How many French words has the Turkish language recently adopted? Beaucoup.
"
179177,"Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.
"
221225,"Do you know how a frog listens to music? It uses the iPond...
"
179977,"An englishman, a welshman and a scotsman walk into a pub... """"I'm off"""" says the scotsman, and leaves.
"
220122,"Why is Peter Pan such a terrible pilot? Because he Neverlands
"
91763,"If you're cold go and stand in the corner... I've heard they're about 90 Degrees.
"
132458,"How do you call 8 Hobbits? A Hobbyte
"
11805,"For all you Engineers out there; A statically indeterminate beam walks into a bar, the bartender asks: """"What do you want?"""" The beam replies: """"Oh, just give me a moment.""""
"
68122,"If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.
"
98418,"How do programmers get a sixpack? int[][] abs = new int[2][3]
"
126596,"What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
"
66746,"What happens when you take the tea away from your guest? He's left there trying to """"guess"""" what happened.
"
35857,"Why don't you go down on a girl in the morning? Have you ever tried to split a grilled cheese?
"
14222,"Have you heard about the guy who finally overcame his coprophilia? He got off scat-free
"
101394,"What's a baker's favorite part of Manhattan? The Lower Yeast Side.
"
32859,"I'd like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn't have done this without you
"
156709,"I'm terrible with directions. Fuck me, left?
"
169326,"Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced """"Louis-ville"""" or """"Louie-Ville?"""" Its pronounced """"Frank-fort.""""
"
144387,"Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer One turns to the other and asks, """"*does this taste funny to you?*"""" The other responds, """"*no.*""""
"
14962,"Q: Why did the fly fly? A: Because the spider spied her.
"
212974,"Knock knock Whos there? Meg Whites most complex drum beat.
"
143002,"*inside camp-out tent* """"Wanna hear-"""" *puts torch under chin* """"-a scary story?"""" *flicks torch on, it vibrates* """"OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.""""
"
36181,"I heard about a dog that was half bulldog and half shihtzu. Bullshit.
"
82361,"What is Harry Potters abortion spell? Fetus-Deletus
"
33713,"got kicked out of the supermarket for eating off of the shelf, but since I was only eating cat food they didnt call the cops like last time.
"
184714,"What do you call an aging actor who has finally paid off his house? Mortgage freeman.
"
11645,"Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
"
179052,"Judas: C mon Jesus we re gonna be late for last supper Jesus: The what?? Judas: The supper.. we re gonna be late for supper.
"
126469,"Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
"
81446,"Is this sub Reddit dead? There have barely been any decent posts all year!
"
206459,"How do you get a philosophy major off of your porch? Pay for the pizza.
"
125309,"What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.
"
209710,"It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
"
25232,"Why Did Hitler kill himself? He was told about his gas bill
"
227293,"John said: """"Come forth, and receive eternal salvation."""" However, John came fifth and got a toaster.
"
180280,"Geologists have jokes too Steve: """"Hey, what kind of rocks are these?"""" Geologist: """"They're sex stones."""" Steve: """"What? Really?"""" Geologist: """"Yeah. They're just fucking rocks.""""
"
109018,"I like my women like I like my weather. 60 and dry.
"
218646,"Two lesbians walk into red lobster
"
101489,"So Mrs Lincoln... Besides that, how'd you like the play?
"
151844,"Why did the staff party go to jail? Because they were in treble.
"
50583,"What's the quickest way to clean semen off a poodle? Seriously. I need to know because my mother-in-law is due back home in about 20 minutes.
"
6983,"Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I've got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that's what clowns do.
"
64161,"[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door] """"TRICK OR TREAT!"""" You kids are in for a real treat... *slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
"
205846,"The Jews may be the """"Chosen People""""... ... But the Muslims are the """"Randomly Selected"""".
"
40607,"So my girlfriend asked me to make love to her like in the movies.... So I pulled out and busted all over her face....apparantly we don't watch the same movies
"
194725,"Why are gay prostitutes so expensive in China? Because there aren't any free erections.
"
77444,"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank herbal tea before it was cool.
"
21860,"This year's Pulitzer Prize for Fiction... will probably go to some guy explaining why he had an Ashley Madison account.
"
166241,"Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat """"so sorry so sorry"""" and keep moving forward.
"
62134,"What's long and black? The unemployed line.
"
137259,"When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say """"You hit like a bit$h.""""
"
212310,"I found ISIS's website... It's the bomb dot com!
"
147010,"Why does nobody talk to circles? Because there is no point!
"
184225,"I need your best pickup lines I'm going to be in a contest where one section is about giving your best pickup lines. Do you have any good ones?
"
113113,"So a bar walks into a physicist... Shoot; wrong frame of reference...
"
2680,"I spilled skittles down my pants. Do you want to taste the rainbow? #badpickuplines
"
20281,"Teachers at school: She seems to be expressing an inner need for control. Teachers at a bar: I want to punch that kid in the face.
"
157485,"Wears a black shirt to a first dates house to see if shes lying about having cats
"
184859,"How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table? He says, """"Gourmet I be excused?""""
"
102830,"I told my wife that Leonard Nimoy, Mr. Spock died. She said, """"May the force be with him.""""
"
18541,"A man says, """" It's raining cats and dogs!"""" The Chinese man comes out of his house with his chopsticks immediately...
"
152268,"Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns? Chronic depression makes the meat a little tangy.
"
174524,"Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
"
94474,"Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question. Boss: Better than anyone else I know...
"
170422,"Mexican Word - Bishop My wife fall down and I have to pick the bishop
"
124393,"U.S. vending machines to begin displaying calorie information to encourage smarter snack choices. Machines' reflective glass surface not doing the trick.
"
127823,"What do you call a dictionary on drugs? An addictionary Alternatively: High definition
"
164348,"Why did I quit my job in Mexico? It didn't peso well.
"
52509,"Why was the dieting Roman so thrilled? His toga size went from L to XL.
"
151588,"I started a figurine company that specializes in miniature Muhammad statues We make a small prophet.
"
11459,"Shakira's hips just told me 9/11 was an inside job and now I don't know what to believe.
"
132259,"I have the eyes of a hawk, the ears of a fox... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"
117397,"My boss is sick of my comedy at work and says if I tell one more joke then I'll be fired! Well, I'll have the last laugh
"
104386,"Why did Hitler like his Adidas's? They were made by his distant relative.
"
213778,"Why are gay guys the first to check out of a hotel in the morning? Because they had their shit packed the night before
"
193076,"I'm beginning to believe that my road worker friend is a kleptomaniac.. So I went to his house to confront him and all the signs were there.
"
128147,"Did you know some dogs don't pass the Police Academy? ...they didn't pass the pawlygraph test.
"
143990,"Ask me if you can join the pee club... Do it!
"
103145,"How will the Duggar's stay on TV and make money? By moving the show to a """"true crime"""" channel and calling it """"18 Victims and Counting"""".
"
98955,"What do you mean by being loud? quiet the opposite.
"
43837,"Q: How many art directors does it take to screw in a light bulb A: Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder...
"
6513,"Why are chickens racist? They are all in the Coop Clucks Clan
"
30739,"So, a neckbeard walks into a bar... Just kidding! They don't even leave the basement!
"
221094,"You're more likely to find something when you're not looking for it. Right now, I'm not looking for a bunch of cash. I hope this shit works.
"
57095,"If you order a salad in Texas, you get a bowl of ranch dressing with a chunk of iceberg lettuce, 89 croutons & a chicken fried steak on top.
"
127873,"Do you want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism
"
107415,"There's nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
"
143726,"War does not determine who is right... ...only who is left.
"
141459,"So I heard Labour put forth a motion to build a new telescope... I guess they want to Observe-a-tory!
"
204532,"What's the leading cause of violence in America? Volkswagen Beetles.
"
66989,"[Bookstore] Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book* Cashier: How old is your daughter? Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
"
108047,"f (x) walks into a bar... The barman says """"Sorry, we don't cater for functions""""
"
161401,"My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he's just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
"
70598,"Which day is the most agreeable? Yesterday
"
165145,"My girlfriend... .. is like Leonardo DiCaprio's Oscar.
"
188598,"What version of windows does Jesus use? XP Edit: [Explanation](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chi_Rho)
"
6096,"The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar's UP. That old man really loved his house.
"
219399,"My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
"
212287,"Knock knock.... Who's there?.... Whale.... Whale who? Whale that's enough of that joke
"
22562,"The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It's crazy.
"
137142,"When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
"
77981,"Why didn't Timmy get his parents Christmas presents? He's an orphan.
"
27272,"What's the difference between a gorilla and an Italian in the bathtub? The gorilla gets out to shit.
"
166131,"Punctuation Let's eat Grandpa Let's eat, Grandpa. Correct punctuation can save a person's life .
"
94242,"Usain Bolt is like a Police Officer He starts off following black men, then catches up and beats them.
"
69476,"Why do procrastinators live the longest? Because they die at the last second.
"
57900,"Why are there fences around graveyards/cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!
"
75692,"How many nice guys does it take to screw a lightbulb? 0 cause they'll compliment it then get pissed off when it won't screw
"
37307,"What does Sean Connery's nemesis and the crater of a volcano have in common? They're both ash-holes.
"
141314,"What is black, autist and takes about 9 months to grow. Non of your concern.
"
210961,"A good diet is follow me around the grocery store and don't buy anything I get.
"
93153,"Why are gay guys bad at jenga? They don't worry about pulling out
"
18055,"Sometimes at the beach it's like """"gross, is that a condom?"""" Yes. And it's staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
"
124310,"What did the mathematician's apprentice say when he didn't get acknowledged? Notice me sin() !!!
"
26498,"Why is it that sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So they don't get mistaken for feminists.
"
1514,"There was a kidnapping at school! It's ok though, he woke up.
"
129678,"How do you console someone with bad Grammar Skills ? There, Their, They're.
"
73782,"Why did the soccer player have to ask for a bib at the restaurant? Because he was Messi
"
36529,"I thought I spotted superman twice yesterday. Turns out it was just a bird and a plane. -Dwight York
"
24191,"People who like """"The Bachelor"""" are like racists; you know they're out there, but you just hope your friends don't feel that way.
"
98467,"I started a merkabah business. It really took off.
"
214684,"My wife says that all she wants is an attentive lover...... ...or maybe it was a tent of lovers. I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention.
"
130276,"I sincerely hope that when I get older my children don't put me in a home or on a stage at a political convention.
"
45359,"I'm going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
"
142303,"If Lance Armstrong and Oscar Pistorius have taught us anything, it's don't trust athletes with missing body parts
"
191657,"[kisses daughter goodnight] Sleep tight. """"Daddy, where do babies come from?"""" Um, the Stork. [stork knocks on bedroom window] He's lying.
"
58582,"What's the difference between an airplane and an abortion? Only one doesn't fly after coming into contact with a hanger
"
102417,"Vending machines kill more people every year than sharks Obviously, how's a vending machine going to kill a shark?
"
167889,"Bad religious joke I created. One day Jesus is talking to god and says, """"Hey dad, guess what I did today?"""" God: """"What?"""" Jesus: """"I walked on water."""" God: """"No way."""" Jesus: """"Yahweh!"""" Badum, tss
"
81033,"*at adoption center* """"Okay yeah they're all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that""""
"
59050,"If all the women in the world died at once.... It would be a pain in the arse
"
201142,"What do you call the place where lesbian Eskimos meet up? A Klondike Bar
"
225615,"What is the difference between a baker baking a cake and a gynecologist giving an exam? A few degrees.
"
85335,"I started a band called 1023 Megabytes We're pretty good but we haven't gotten a gig yet
"
196711,"There are two kinds of people: Those who can count.
"
27792,"Are one-liners accepted? I immediately stopped telling people I was xenophobic when I realized it doesn't mean """"afraid of xenomorphs"""".
"
94564,"What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection? Flatbread
"
98317,"i throw my homework in the air sometimes, saying ayyyo, ill take a zerroo.
"
159367,"*Sleeping Beauty gives rotten apple to Obama* *Obama faints* Only a kiss from his one true love will save him *Biden takes out lipstick*
"
78982,"Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff? Tequila!
"
120561,"They should make toilet seats with a rumble pack to shake your turds loose.
"
134075,"After decades of study, scientists finally decode whale song. """"Moo. Moo. Moooooooooo. Moo.""""
"
223280,"It's weird to me that the shortened version of Charles is """"Chuck"""". I mean, what the Farles is that about?
"
102199,"In was in a bar the other day. The barman said """"I see your glass is empty. Do you want another one?"""" Why the fuck would I want 2 empty glasses?
"
226979,"Best Joke ever My life
"
96170,"What did the Time Traveller find when he brought a joint to Ancient Greece? The Philosophers Stoned
"
148224,"I consider myself to be a bodybuilder Granted nobody else does but I do
"
128845,"Have you seen the movie Constipated? No? That's because it hasn't come out yet. Have you seen the movie Diarrhea? You can. It's still running.
"
95718,"Daily 'Facts About CHEESE' Fact About Cheese #3: """"String Cheese. Is not made of string.""""
"
186347,"I once had to draw Mohammed in pictionary Turns out he was also a known boxer and game night at the mosque was ruined (Not happy with the latter part of this """"joke"""". Feel free to make suggestions)
"
174174,"Batteries have a tough life. They're either working or dead.
"
195216,"Why was the chef mad? He had all the money in the world, but no thyme.
"
41783,"Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no bell prize!
"
189474,"I've got a new job crushing fizzy drinks cans... It's soda pressing [Imgur](http://i.imgur.com/6lWz2UD.jpg)
"
175319,"Went to the zoo and all they had was one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
"
79386,"Cup of Tea According to Tetley, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So every morning I slap her arse and say """"two sugars fatty"""".
"
151764,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick in a McChicken.
"
97265,"I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free
"
13237,"Nurse: Your name, please? Me: Dr. Feelgood. Nurse: ... Me: ... Nurse: You're not a Dr. are you? Me: No, I won't make you feel good, either.
"
218828,"How many birds does it take to change a lightbulb? One can't, but two can.
"
95150,"A new nightclub has just opened down the road and they are offering free drinks all night for just under 20 quid. So tonight I'm gonna party like it's 19.99.
"
223988,"A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
"
22770,"What do you say to a bodybuilder to get him to repeat you? No Whey
"
29419,"Reflection vs Refraction the point at which I realize how lucky I am to not have an Asian professor.
"
178246,"My wife and i were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
"
128604,"What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? A: White Vans.
"
205584,"Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can't put salt on your French fries.
"
183733,"INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks? ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card? INTERVIEWER: holy shit
"
164804,"Love in 2013 means answering each other's texts immediately.
"
181697,"Thinking it's a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
"
153815,"My sex life is like the internet. Full of lies
"
8680,"Before I met my wife I was incomplete.. Now I'm finished.
"
94711,"What do you guys think of polar bears? I think they all white.
"
135795,"Not sure if it's still too soon after the shooting, but.... Do you think JFK ever said """"I need another parade like I need another hole in the head""""?
"
173689,"Do I feel like crying? HELL YES LET'S DO THIS 'THE FAULT IN OUR STARS'
"
238,"If you ever need help learning C++, I can give you some pointers. And you can keep me as a reference.
"
172798,"What does Tom Cruise have in common with gay porn stars? All their best work is behind them
"
139724,"You ever hear of the Nazi strip club? They don't make it rain, they make it Heil!
"
213072,"What do you call a black ninja? Incog-negro.
"
142485,"I wish this cop would stop riding my ass, it makes me paranoid. I also wish he'd turn his sirens off and stop trying to shoot out my tires.
"
226626,"What do you get when you mix an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
"
19913,"Me: No, you hang up first Pizza Hut: *click*
"
136594,"It's sad when a woman has to get breast implants just to keep her husband interested... ...it's even worse when his are still bigger.
"
179522,"Why do ants not go to church? Because their in sects
"
70705,"Starting chatting to a 14 year old girl online... Started chatting to a super sexy and flirty 14 year old girl online, and she just told me she's an undercover cop.... How fucking cool is that!
"
171017,"what is the stupidest animal in the jungle? the polar bear
"
94972,"Doctor: what seems to be the problem? Me: I need to be docted Doctor: you came to the right place. I'm a doctor. I doct people
"
45740,"How about we don't pick a president this time and everyone promises to behave themselves.
"
80436,"A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds. He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
"
108068,"So today my dad called me a """"Smart Alec""""... ...but I had to remind him, my name is not and never was Alec.
"
77495,"You don't need a hunting licence if you shoot a turkey and plant a very small gun on him.
"
109551,"If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
"
46185,"What are some outstanding hamburger colleges? Brandeis Cowlifornia State Hoofstra Pen State Ranchelaer  Polytechnic Burgereley and Moosouri!
"
14283,"Why were Bryan Cranston and Aaron Paul so good in Breaking Bad? They were meth-od acting.
"
33540,"A dyslexic man robs a bank.... He then reads aloud """"Air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!!!""""
"
95971,"""""Tell me about yourself"""" Well, I'm a Canadian- """"Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman""""
"
55652,"Couldn't stop farting...so i went to the Doctors I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite
"
215462,"There's no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn't like """"yeah right.""""
"
85165,"Why don't we hear cannibal jokes anymore? Because after they ate the clowns, nothing is funny.
"
171067,"I have high cholesterol, so my doctor has me on the """"period"""" diet One egg a month
"
165169,"There's no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
"
74673,"What's a poor person favorite meal? Sleep.
"
5495,"Whats black and thin and all over my private parts? Dead African Children
"
65497,"*walks up to Michael Cohen's door* """"Knock knock."""" """"Who's there?"""" """"Says."""" """"Says who?"""" """"THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.""""
"
171382,"Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: 'that's a little condescending'.
"
160166,"What's so dark about blonde jokes? They still haven't figured out how to screw in the lightbulb
"
175880,"How did Hitler like his juice? Concentrated
"
106000,"They say 2 out of 3 people live next to a pedophile.. But not me. I live next to two really hot 9 year olds.
"
168567,"I had a thought the other day Losing 15 pounds sounds a lot better in America than in England.
"
214430,"What do you do if your daughter gets dirty in the laundry room? You washer and dryer.
"
109239,"Why did the fox cross the road? Cause there was a billion fucking chickens on the other side.
"
93362,"Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? Because he wanted to... """"Get along little doggy""""
"
11683,"How does Moses make tea? He brews it.
"
88671,"A Russian wife goes to police station. Russian Wife: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet. Russian Inspector: Why don't you cook something else?
"
104393,"Hope you don't mind if I make transformer sound effects when we switch positions.
"
168276,"What do you call a bra? A boobie trap. Thanks 3rd grade nephew.
"
16113,"Batman Arkham Knight PC port
"
220838,"What's a blonde with a shotgun in wheat field? .. A cereal killer !
"
183601,"When I shake hands with a fat guy I don't like, I do it extra hard to get a good moob bounce going
"
86439,"The inauguration is today... Trump: Unprecedented Obama: Un-Presidented
"
161355,"Why do German shower faucets have 11 holes? Jews only have 10 fingers.
"
7213,"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need 1 nail to hang the picture
"
130296,"Kiefer Sutherland is filming next season of '24' in Magaluf. The main villain will be an 18 year old blowing 24 victims up.
"
155566,"Why did the comedian go to the dog pound? To work on his put-downs.
"
199737,"Knock, knock Who's there? Wu Wu who? I wouldn't get too excited sir, I'm here to impound your car.
"
222807,"Girlfriend: Will you love me when I'm old and  fat and ugly? Boyfriend: Of course I do !
"
188056,"The people of Iran don't watch The Flintstones... but the people of Abu Dhabi do!
"
105114,"My girlfriend wanted me to include her more.. My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said """"I wish you would play with me like to do those video games"""". So, I Dragon-punched her in the face.
"
120691,"people are like """"pokemon is basically dogfighting"""" but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
"
87986,"A friend told me I'm out of touch. I laughed so hard I almost peed my Hammer pants.
"
6443,"two apples enter a bar... ...then I got sued by Apple
"
16614,"I have a short joke for the ladies, on Thanksgiving My penis
"
94877,"Call me when you have $50,000 and you'll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I'll throw in a second kid as a gift.
"
58689,"*accidentally deletes a tweet* MY LITERATURE!
"
190416,"why did god make girls so stupid? so that they would love boys
"
63316,"Why did the semen cross the road? Why did the seman cross the road? Because I wore the wrong socks today..
"
143817,"I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
"
160464,"Did you hear about the man who fell into a lens grinder? He made a spectacle of himself.
"
142050,"Fock spelling.
"
12280,"He who goes to bed with itchy butt Wakes with smelly finger . -dad
"
201628,"Why I'd never get a sex change I wouldn't have the balls to do it
"
138089,"How do senior citizens handle indoor skydiving? Depends
"
36504,"What did Snoop say Dr. Dre while binge watching their favorite TV show? Are you ready for the next episode?
"
80535,"Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury Foreman: Well...I guess I just look right at him. Why -- isn't that how you do it?
"
36596,"Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I'm left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that's cheating?
"
171249,"What did the worm say to the other when he was  late home ? Where in earth have you been !
"
12242,"Twitter=Whats happening? FB=Whats on your mind? FourSquare= Where am I? Quora=what? Youtube=What Im watching. LinkedIn=Whats in it for me?
"
60328,"What's the difference between a tease, a love, and a lust? Spit, swallow, gargle.
"
110174,"What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted
"
59364,"I hate Christmas. I work throughout the year to afford gifts, and the fat fucker with the beard gets all the credit. Still I suppose it's my fault for marrying her.
"
158442,"What do you call it when you finger a pony? Feeling a little horse.
"
113266,"Do not be racist; be like Mario He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!
"
92134,"I've been on reddit so much I'm gravely ill now... I think I caught a computer virus.
"
50211,"""""We've isolated the gene for the long, drawn-out sigh!"""" -Sighentists
"
199001,"How many immigrants does donald trump need to change a lightbulb? None because no juan will be left to change it
"
105056,"I don't throw gang signs. I'm Scottish. I throw bricks :)
"
157141,"Where did the word """"etymology"""" come from?
"
53274,"[HORRIBLE] What is the best-selling treat in Rwanda? A Tutsi Roll.
"
11569,"The Bible is basically the longest set of Terms &amp; Conditions ever, which is why so many people agree with it without knowing why.
"
47799,"Apparently there are midget prostitutes in Thailand who cost less than a dollar. Clearly they're selling themselves short.
"
160217,"Girl you like is taken on Valentines Day? Just because there's a goalkeeper... It doesn't mean you can't score.
"
107216,"You know what ruins a rape? Consent
"
14424,"I asked my mom why I had to go to singing lessons. She told me it was a skill I needed to a choir.
"
159086,"What's black and sits in the back of a cop car? The seat
"
106545,"What's black and white and red all over? A bioracial double homocide.
"
83362,"How do you piss off an animal rights activist? You eat pita bread.
"
154914,"According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
"
178691,"Ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
"
54124,"Have any of you heard back from D yet? DEEZ NUTZ HAHA GOT EM
"
60201,"Love  is an extreme sympathy that leads to bed.
"
76085,"What did the footballer's girlfriend think when she saw him standing between some goal posts? """"He's a keeper""""
"
62304,"Still waiting for what didn't kill me to make me strong.
"
181653,"Just seen a Disney trailer. I've just seen a Disney trailer It said, """"A new movie from the people that brought you Up."""" Flipping Heck! I never knew Mum and Dad made films.
"
138664,"If humans have politics, then what do bees have? POLLENtics
"
77185,"""""I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?""""
"
147782,"Why is sex like snow? Because you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last..
"
97061,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bully ! Bully who ? Bully Jean is not my lover !
"
54371,"I know a really good knock knock joke! However someone else has to start it
"
38585,"Why did the gay scarecrows get divorced after their surrogate mother aborted their IVF baby on obamacare? The whole thing was one big straw man argument.
"
101420,"A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. """"Which side is it best to lie on?"""" she asked. """"The side that pays your fee"""" replied the doctor.
"
208945,"Before he started smoking cigarettes, Coolio was just called io.
"
201215,"Reddit's front page has more intellectual news stories than my local TV stations I don't understand it because I'm only 3 years old.
"
190075,"[Jail] INMATE: I killed a guy. SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
"
148587,"So I made up a new word: Ask-hole; someone who constantly asks for your advise then does the opposite of what you told them.
"
57064,"Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
"
27670,"Walking inside a Nike store would be the worst place to contemplate suicide. Everything is saying Just Do It.
"
104867,"I was going to make an anal joke... butt fuck it. I know I know I'm a terrible reposter. I'll see myself out.
"
60694,"Jewish kid calls his dad from college... ...asking for fifty dollars. Dad responds: """"Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?""""
"
84728,"A car goes to the grocery store... For the first time, who didn't see one's part because it was the only one left
"
94001,"DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text DOG FRIEND: which color heart? DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one DOG FRIEND: omg
"
92069,"TV before 6pm: """"Men are idiots."""" TV after 6pm: """"Women are idiots"""" TV after midnight: """"Abs are easy to get!""""
"
99319,"What do you call a quiet asian? Silent-li
"
5480,"President Lincoln """"I'm going to miss you, President Lincoln,"""" said John Wilkes Booth. Booth lied. He didn't.
"
92748,"Judaism was very popular leading up to WWII It died down a little afterwards edit: it
"
181976,"A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Stay in school kids.
"
146342,"I think calling followers followers is a bit pretentious. I prefer to think of them as curious observers.
"
43678,"Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says """"why the long face?"""" The horse says """"that's offensive asshole!"""" -The one and only OG Nipple
"
199743,"Why is Donald Trump still running for president? It's the only race that he hasn't offended yet.
"
39411,"How do you get an elephant into a matchbox ? Take all the matches out first !
"
123857,"What's the difference between humor and odor? Humor is a shift of wit.
"
176052,"So, if someone who works for the Postal Service did an AMA and answered every single question... ...does that mean OP delivered?
"
76633,"I wish I was from Finland so when people asked if I was Finnish I could say """"no, in fact, I'm just getting started""""
"
172789,"I took a really sloppy poo today... My ass was wiped more times than Ian Watkins' search history
"
124625,"How do you ruin a joke? By explaining it. Because you know, jokes are supposed to be understood implicitly, without you having to say the reason behind why the punchline is funny.
"
152418,"What was the dog doing on the turnpike? About seven miles an hour.
"
223340,"How did a Hispanic farmer propose to his girlfriend? With arroz.
"
43151,"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby
"
201501,"TIL if Steve Irwin had worn sunscreen that fateful day, he would have survived. Apparently it protects against harmful rays.
"
99637,"TIL Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto translates you to """"Thank You Mr. Robot"""" The Spanish translation is Muchos Gracias Marco Rubio
"
26986,"What would Caitlyn Jenner need to do if she changed her mind about being a woman? She would need to reJennerate some balls. What does Caitlyn Jenner do before she goes out? Bruce's up for the evening.
"
41717,"I lost 50 pounds once sadly I was in England at the time.
"
191525,"Doctor says, """"I've got good news and bad news..."""" The bad news is that you have Alzheimer's. The good news is now you can hide your own Easter eggs!
"
128052,"(boom boom clap) (boom boom clap) Daisy you're a dog you're a good dog Playing in the park Gonna eat some cool bugs today
"
137598,"I shaved my head the other day... At first I hated the look, but it's starting to grow on me.
"
49431,"Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo? Me: I'd rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.
"
33860,"*wipes pizza grease & sauce off mouth* *eats napkin*
"
196484,"What do Hillary Clinton and the World Trade Center have in common? Both collapsed on 9/11 after becoming overheated.
"
2160,"IAMA convicted murderer who escaped last week from an upstate New York prison currently on the run somewhere in North America. AMA!
"
96575,"How do you sink the Polish navy? Put it in water
"
138953,"What's the difference between a lesbian and a straight girl? Four drinks.
"
110028,"[Religon] What's black and religous? The jews after hitler godammit how 2 spell religeone?!?!?!?!?
"
153826,"Ain't therapy great? He yawns, but doesn't seem bored, If you think of his bill, you are poor, If you're feeling blue, and want to get screwed, """"The Rapist"""" -it's there on his door.
"
162638,"Which stretches further, human skin or rubber? Human skin! The Bible tells us Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked forty miles.
"
107988,"I held a meeting for people who can't ejaculate But nobody came.
"
205743,"My girlfriend told me I'm her 32nd lover Turns out what she really meant was I'm her thirty second lover
"
83253,"What do you call a 200 year old Buffalo? A bison-tennial.
"
23306,"Why is PBS asking me for money? If I had money I wouldn't need to pretend crow migration habits are good entertainment.
"
131728,"If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions. I'd be living in Government Assisted Housing.
"
56810,"I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
"
191235,"What is white and disturbs your lunch? An avalanche
"
82494,"The leading cause of pedophilia worldwide.. Sexy kids.
"
122211,"Jokes religious people find offensive Why did chicken cross the road? He had cancer on his balls. P.S. He was actually Allah and not chicken
"
38794,"I have sex with my girlfriend and her twin. How do I tell them apart? Her brother has a moustache.
"
131097,"What's the difference between a black man and an elevator? An elevator can raise a child.
"
157687,"Lead me not into  temptation... fcuk that, follow me, I know a shortcut.
"
30602,"I'm thinking of going on a diet. I'm going to become an egalitarian: I only eat eagles.
"
120967,"""""Of course you can trust me. Look, I'll prove it. Close your eyes and fall backwards. I'll catch you."""" *Bing! Twitter notification!* Thud.
"
11122,"Glare upon the field where I grow my fucks and see that it is baren Seriously they just won't grow
"
182499,"What did the toaster say to the bread? I want you inside me.
"
6023,"Me: """"There are so many exotic sounding flavours these days. I just can't resist-"""" Doctor: """"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING SHAMPOO!""""
"
162891,"Why is Africa so bad at cricket? Because they only have Ebola!
"
212915,"Yesterday I found out my girlfriend of 5 years has conditional gemder dysphoria She said she needed to be Frank with me
"
121954,"Mr. Trump, who's your Secretary of State? TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
"
73234,"What's the difference between you and a calendar? A calendar has a date for Valentine's Day.
"
218325,"How do you impregnate a nun? You fuck her.
"
72367,"When I retire, I want to be a hunter... I wanna go out with a bang
"
173557,"A baseball player was hit in the head with a line drive yesterday... today he's more open-minded
"
193451,"Why do jihadists drink instant coffee? Because they hate the French press
"
210184,"what did they tell the eastern European tree who wanted a room at the hotel california you can czech in any time you want but you can never leaf
"
174662,"A married man's prayer; Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away You gave me youth, you took it away. You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now... Just reminding you......
"
26623,"Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
"
172737,"Why did the band Nickelback get booed at the football halftime show? Because they suck.
"
163650,"Your mom dropped you off today... She was fined for littering
"
144675,"Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Then it'll be a foot. I'm so sorry.
"
139598,"Say what you like about pacifists... ...
"
121178,"This hating of people breastfeeding in public should really stop. I can raise my cat any way I want to.
"
26302,"What do you get when you cross a regular potato and a sweet potato? A tater tot.
"
143076,"2 wrongs don't make a right But 3 rights make a left
"
187240,"She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your """"signature sex move"""" She: Judgmental Corpse?
"
44279,"Why don't they call the Batman film """"The White Knight"""" instead of """"The Dark Knight""""? Because no one would care that he died.
"
113489,"Did you hear Apple is going into the wine business? Their vineyard will produce every varietal of wine... except ports.
"
3048,"[wife frustrated] """"at least I didn't hook up the toilet wrong and tell everyone it's a bidet""""
"
34704,"When I'm having a bad day, I like to think of Prince William, Prince and will.i.am introducing themselves to each other.
"
136672,"Merry Christmas to everyone tomorrow... ....Today, fuck you.
"
26135,"Did you hear they came out with a drink called the Osama Bin Laden? It's two shots and a splash of water.
"
64441,"IamA former Backpage massage girl - AMA!
"
20047,"Where there is a will, there is usually a death.
"
28562,"I had sex with your mom A sandwich
"
105322,"Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken didn't exist.
"
205911,"What's a narcissistic hooker's favorite state? Idaho.
"
21257,"Plagiarism Hey! I invented a new word: plagiarism.
"
226149,"I saw a movie trailer about 30 trapped chillean miners... Apparently Jared from subway had a stash... (I'm so sorry about this, I just thought of it and needed to get it out)
"
56406,"Why can't you believe what an atom tells you? Because they make up everything!
"
172431,"My girlfriend and I were arguing and she asked me to see things from her point of view So I went to the kitchen and looked out the window.
"
121893,"Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say """"well, she was always kind of like this.""""
"
52341,"Are you still looking for a job? I hear they're hiring at the zoo circumcising elephants. The pay is small, but the tips are big!
"
134066,"I can't believe I have to recharge my stupid phone every night or it shuts down *sleeps for 8 hours every night*
"
151069,"There's nothing worse than getting bullied in school... Especially if you are a fish.
"
40081,"Nobody is saving anything on car insurance. We're all being ripped off.
"
160567,"Excuse me, ma'am. Your car doesn't make you invisible, but I am super impressed by how far you just got your finger up your nose.
"
174581,"iFunny Like Hack [This post was swallowed by a black hole]
"
127706,"What is Hitler's favourite beauty product? Polish Remover
"
53807,"Why do jews have big noses? Because air is free.
"
195838,"""""Let me ax you something."""" - a very generous lumberjack and you're a racist.
"
153854,"My friend stole my capacitor I told him that wasn't farad all
"
68902,"Why don't aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
"
52103,"Make A Dumb Person Curious Do you know how to make a dumb person curious?"""" - """"No, how?"""" - """"I'll tell you tomorrow.""""
"
109185,"Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.
"
106187,"What do you do if you're attacked by a gang of clowns? Go for the juggler.
"
201486,"What was a telemarketer's worst nightmare! He could not connect with the callee.
"
15659,"People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that sh1t.
"
210140,"What do Socrates and John Snow both got in common? Neither knows a thing. (from another forum)
"
82534,"What's the difference.... What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in the fog? At least when you're eating pussy, you can see the asshole in front of you.
"
133305,"If you think you're bad with words, imagine the first guy to say """"There there"""" when consoling someone
"
10383,"Damn it's cold out. Better wear a coat, hat, gloves & boots. Sorry legs, you're still getting pants only, thanks for doing all the work tho
"
144206,"[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER] Me: Help! My wife's having contradictions! Dr: Don't you mean contractions? Wife: Never say never
"
164275,"As ice water runs down my face I conclude, """"Boy, you sure like to eat bread!"""" is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
"
118375,"I used to date a baker... But she was too kneady.
"
119222,"5yo: Daddy, what's a facial? Me: Your brother. 5yo: I don't have a brother!? Me: Exactly!
"
137723,"How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose.
"
76767,"How to have a seance Ance. Ok you're turn.
"
5080,"It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
"
96944,"Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill... ^please ^don't ^kill ^me
"
221618,"What's the first part of a stripper to blow? The knee. It's a load-bearing joint.
"
163917,"Had a big mix up at the store today, apparently when the clerk said """"strip down facing me,"""" she meant my credit card.
"
199843,"What do you call an invisible, cross-dressing dad? A transparent
"
202985,"""""I'd like to make a toast."""" - piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
"
177575,"Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you Henry VIII: New phone who dis Anne: Your wife Henry VIII: Lol which one
"
20137,"I asked my friends how they decided they were going to have a baby... They said it was just sperm of the moment.
"
214986,"Why do pigs like February 14th? They get lots of Valenswines.
"
90119,"Every time a baby gets named Shaniqua, a job opens up somewhere.
"
211936,"I recently won the local innuendo competition after coming from behind.
"
136350,"If it's any consolation, Jim Morrison, Biggie Smalls, and Jesus would all have died from natural causes by now.
"
169155,"Have you heard about the South Korean subreddit? Apparently it's the /r/seoul of reddit.
"
10523,"what do you do if life gives you lemonade? make lemons out of it and life will be like whaaaat?!?
"
129235,"As a non-US-redditor I don't understand why right-wing gun nuts don't get along better with left-wing SJWs... ...they both seem to love triggers so much.
"
86215,"I was at the bank earlier and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance for her I still don't understand why she was mad when I pushed her over
"
21008,"Star wars dad joke heard tonight Dad """"Chewbacca seems kinda big for an ewok..."""" Me """"he's a wookie. """" Dad """"he can't be, he's been in lots of movies now.""""
"
85418,"Why is Islam called the Religion of Peace? It will leave you in pieces.
"
67584,"What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Get in the car.
"
167720,"What's black, white and red, and can't turn around in an elevator? A nun with a spear through her head.
"
133415,"What is Donald Trump's favourite music album? The Wall
"
101904,"I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don't have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
"
131215,"Do you think maybe humans are gonna evolve with longer arms for selfie purposes?
"
138564,"What do you call an Egyption's butt muscle? A sphinxster
"
226587,"I've decided I'm selling my vacuum cleaner It's just here gathering dust
"
113950,"What do you call a serial killing cannibal who catches on fire easily? Flammable Lector.
"
183011,"How to parallel park: 1) Park somewhere else.
"
83697,"Saw some Advil on the floor this morning and sincerely thought """"Better just leave it there so I know where it is.""""
"
150399,"When you're cold inside, where do you stand? You usually want to stand at a corner, they're around 90 degree's xD
"
3588,"""""Getting real tired of your crap..."""" Said no dung beetle ever.
"
184050,"What do you call an eskimo with no friends? An iglooser
"
29793,"I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more
"
76678,"American beer is like having sex in a canoe It's fucking close to water (Heard from Monty Python)
"
63342,"I can prove that primates don't exist... Eight divides evenly by 2 or 4.
"
37425,"A man walks into a bar and says OUCH!
"
35444,"Broke a mirror today Seven years bad luck, my lawyer says he will get it down to five
"
154510,"Doctor Doctor! I'm turning invisible! Yes.. I can see your not all there..
"
89312,"I was born with blonde hair and blue eyes My parents named me Michael but I totally looked like a Ryan
"
10907,"u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn't shower? Moses. hi i'm your new youth pastor Keith
"
83936,"You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
"
150379,"My boss dressed up as Caitlyn Jenner in a mini-skirt He showed a lot of balls...
"
168639,"What does Donald Trump say when he can't find his viagra? """"The erection is rigged!""""
"
40643,"I dont downvote It's bad karma.
"
7146,"Tombstone: Here lies Houdini 2nd Tombstone: Now I'm over here
"
44493,"Why does Woody Harrelson's wife call him Moses? Because he Ramparts the red sea each month
"
157139,"Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday. Me: I don't follow basketball.
"
120225,"[spelling bee] Your word is """"pneumonia"""". """"Can you use it in a sentence?"""" Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
"
11180,"what did the man say when he saw the chilli that he was about to cut up for his chilli con carne dancing? """"My chilli's gone barmy!!!""""
"
53517,"They're working on a series in which Bob Odenkirk is the star... It's called Better Call Sol.
"
149087,"Why was the doctor so stressed out? He lost his patients...
"
48756,"Him: my name is Robert but my friends call me Bob, you can call me whatever you like. Me: Cool, nice to meet you Nachos.
"
137420,"She said: """"I want to have your children."""" . Me: """"They'll be on the first bus in the morning.""""
"
103927,"I'm not sure why AT&T; dropped Tiger Woods. He just took advantage of his """"Nights and Weekends"""" and proved """"roaming"""" can be expensive.
"
155691,"Woah, woah! Lets see some I.D., Kid! LOLZ!! Just kidding! Press that button and come on in! -Adult Websites
"
83440,"Donald Trump is still running for president because it is the only race he hasn't offended yet.
"
60105,"I came into some money yesterday. I couldn't find the tissues.
"
202651,"What I learned from this subs The best joke always in the comments section
"
160538,"How does Carrot Top have sex? Gingerly. *(Source: The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson)*
"
55752,"What do grammar nazis order at Burger King? Two Whoppers Junior
"
222301,"I've always been told I shouldn't assume... Because it makes an ass out of u and me.
"
223272,"Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
"
206768,"What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Their biggest hits were the wall.
"
53908,"God wasn't trying to get Marry pregnant with Jesus. Turns out he was wearing a holey condom.
"
32,"I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
"
185953,"I asked my friend from North Korea how he was doing. He just shrugged and replied, """"I can't complain.""""
"
38148,"A 7 y/o asks his mom at the dinner table... """"Mom?"""" """"Yes, honey?"""" """"I can be whatever I want to be right?"""" """"Yes, dear."""" """"Then can I be a carnivore?"""" """"...Eat your vegetables.""""
"
12769,"What do you call a weak cup of tea? Subtlety.
"
111866,"Dumb and Nobody in class... Dumb: Teacher!! Teacher!! Nobody is bothering me. Teacher: Kid, are you dumb? Dumb: Yes.
"
121257,"I was promised today would be a new day. This feels suspiciously like a used Wednesday.
"
55084,"What do you call a Mexican who can see into the future? Cristobal
"
191211,"""""Doesn't it feel good to Payless?"""" no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
"
2677,"Your personality finally matches your looks. That's not a compliment.
"
79490,"NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin! DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I'll take this one
"
122250,"What did one penis say to the other penis? I just want to belong
"
141647,"[Racist?] Why do all Asian kids get straight A's? Because the ones that don't are never heard from again. I'll be here all day folks.
"
76988,"Holiday sex is the best sex ever..... That was the hardest postcard from my wife to read!
"
92768,"Did you hear Kim Jong Un banned sarcasm? Woops, thought this was r/News
"
89919,"*Pauses Titanic during the most romantic part* *Turns to GF* """"You know, Contra was really easy. But I still liked using the 100 life code""""
"
122208,"I was watching an educational TV show one time. It was so boring, but what's more fucked up is I contracted visual AIDS.
"
147697,"Ready to earn money staring at my screen all day so I can afford to go home & stare at my screen all night, repeating the process unto death
"
202317,"Chicken and a frog found a book The chicken says """"book book book BOOK!'' The frog responds ''Read it Read it Read it!''
"
230862,"Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date Wrong We're sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
"
83347,"Reverend have you been drinking? Just water, officer. Then why do I smell wine? Good Lord! He's done it again!!!
"
182705,"What sex position makes the ugliest kids ? Ask your parents.
"
91171,"Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance Saturday, Sunday
"
97162,"What did the Third Reich say when they fired Hitler? """"You're ladolf.""""
"
173392,"Q: What's the difference between an American and a Canadian? A: An Canadian not only has a sense of humour but can also spell it.
"
89669,"Schrodinger's Crush: Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
"
49963,"What do Smokey the Bear and Alexander the Great have in common? Their middle name.
"
171638,"I saw a woman with a lower back tattoo that said """"Classy"""" and my brain leaked out of my ear.
"
145845,"Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
"
133319,"Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
"
104130,"What food, when consumed by a female, causes a complete loss of desire? Wedding cake.
"
2896,"In the news today What do Aaron Hernandez and Edward Snowden have in common? They're both expatriots (expatriates).
"
24486,"The TSA was like """"Damn how did you get out of Iraq?"""" Iran
"
84359,"Why is Oklahoma so windy? Because Texas sucks and Kansas blows
"
4991,"My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
"
9065,"What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? A weasel is weasily recognised and a stoat is stoatally different!
"
23214,"I'm invincible. I can not be Vinced
"
19224,"I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
"
97542,"Age and sport Men at 26 plays football, Men at 40 plays tennis, Men at 60 plays golf, have you noticed every time you get older your ball gets smaller
"
169483,"What flies around your light at night  and can bite off your head ? A tiger moth !
"
211912,"It's cute when they put expiration dates on snacks like I won't eat them as soon as I get to my car.
"
88318,"Two chemists went into a bar The first one said to the bartender, I want H2O, the second one said I want H2O too. The second one died
"
152983,"If a woman with big boobs works at Hooters where does a woman with one leg work? IHOP
"
172138,"My kid was saying they wanted an Omnitrix that let him change into pokemon So am like...you want to be a ditto?
"
184911,"What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character? The Adhomineminal Snowman
"
22908,"You know what they say about killing bees... It's a real buzzkill.
"
61337,"My style speaks for itself. For example, today it says, """"You probably shouldn't go out in public dressed like this.""""
"
43240,"A son asks his mom... -Mom, why is my cousin named Diamond? -Because Aunt Carol Loves Diamonds -What about me? -Enough questions Harambe
"
221051,"What did the leper say to the prostitute? """"Keep the tip.""""
"
11397,"So I asked my North Korean friend how's life there He said he can't complain
"
102806,"Did you hear about the man who proposed to his long-distance girlfriend? It was a ranged marriage.
"
172977,"Just complained to my girlfriend that my iPhone battery wasn't lasting more than 2 hours & it dawned on me that I'm white & totally spoiled.
"
87665,"What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital? ... Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.
"
110370,"Doctor doctor I'm manic-depressive. Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm
"
207547,"you know how when geese migrate in a v shape, sometimes one side of the v is longer - Do you know why? more geese
"
158600,"Unlike MC Hammer's regulations, you can pretty much touch anything of mine you want.
"
207288,"I don't think my new air conditioner likes me very much It keeps giving me the cold shoulder
"
156987,"Where can a burger get a great night's sleep? On a bed of lettuce!
"
154166,"In Heaven Me: I can't believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong Gid: You idiots couldn't even get my Giddamn name right
"
167587,"A new survey shows that 90% of men masturbate in the shower, the other 10% sing. Know what they sing? Yeah, me neither.
"
220436,"What is Tigger's favorite day? Leap Day, but Spring Forward is a close second.
"
158741,"[Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*
"
51802,"When is a woman wrong? As long as she is unmarried.
"
218781,"My house got broken into the other night... The thief didn't take anything, he just left a note. All it said was 'get better stuff.'
"
8260,"Why did the plane crash into the ocean? The pilot was a loaf of bread
"
32815,"Why do all the lesbians shop at The Sports Authority? Because they don't like Dicks.
"
161571,"Worldwide Survey A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,158,783,476 people, 95% were too lazy to actually read that number.
"
129865,"I want to make a porno with Larry Bird and Dennis Rodman at 6 in the morning... It's called early bird gets the worm
"
176300,"What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a hooker with diarrhea? One has to shuck in between fits... the other has to fuck in between shits.
"
159755,"What's the difference between a girl that's praying and a girl that's having a bubble bath? One has hope in her soul, The other has soap in her hole.
"
147031,"What do you get when you cross a firecracker and a duck? A firequacker.
"
51919,"What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn't make sandwiches? A compromise.
"
200911,"There are two types of people in the world There are those that can extrapolate from incomplete data.
"
109117,"What do you call a woman who can't make sandwiches? Single.
"
183031,"Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore? So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements.
"
29666,"I saw a documentry on saving the planet They had some garbage facts
"
13098,"What do you call a foreign born communist running for President? Ted Cruz
"
4155,"If water is h20, what is ice H2O^3
"
35264,"My big next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from his washing line. I nearly shit his pants
"
209225,"Someone shit in your fridge? Well get a new family
"
205399,"scientist: he's going to be identical to you in every way me: every way? [my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
"
85205,"Why was the storm trooper such a good dad? He could never hit his kids.
"
126718,"Everything I Say... Literally every single thing I say is an ironic exaggeration.
"
65071,"Why don't you feel the need to wear a seat belt when taking a cab? Because there is a doctor driving.
"
149650,"Why did the masseuse give her lawyer a happy ending? She thought he could come in handy. (I'll let myself out)
"
96194,"Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
"
2874,"Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Wow. Nobody's ever asked me that. Interviewer: Take a minute to th- Me: Arendelle.
"
28869,"I need your best NSFW joke, before our coffee break!
"
59674,"Why don't cannibals eat pantomimes? Because a mime is a terrible thing to baste.
"
156460,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? ...I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face
"
70658,"Sorry I got us kicked out of your niece's dance recital for blowing my airhorn too much
"
6073,"why do JEWS have big noses ? air is free
"
20171,"What will they play at the presidential inauguration if Republicans win? Trump-ets I'll see myself out
"
120735,"I said to the chemist: """"Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?"""" He said: """"Why?"""" I said: """"She keeps waking up.""""
"
188852,"I have a ton of leftover horse. It turns out I'm not as hungry as I thought I was.
"
11207,"I wanted to date a girl once... but as a server admin I couldn't come out of my shell.
"
97748,"How do you show a Muslim Girl you're into her? You pull your Dick Out for Haram Bae
"
101756,"My friend was going to Ethiopia, so I asked him """"Have you ever had Ethiopian food?"""" """"No, sadly"""" """"That's ok, neither have they""""
"
186946,"Very Punny! Eric is just Derek without a D
"
107699,"Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers cross the road? Because they wanted to be taken to the other side.
"
139136,"What do you call a train that has a tobacco addiction? A chew-chew train.
"
78578,"Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? """"I still love Vista, baby""""
"
30289,"Classroom Nerd (In a high school class room) Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there. Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day. Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a pimp
"
12847,"""""Ok, imagine a fleshlight, but full of food."""" - Hot Pocket sales pitch
"
30611,"What do you call it when a signal processing firm quickly remodels their entryway? A fast foyer transform!
"
63466,"Did you hear about the Irish paper boy? He blew away.
"
44833,"Martinis are like titties... ...one isn't enough, and three are too many.
"
185816,"Plum Hair Jokes THESE JOKES ARE BASED ON GIRLS WITH PLUM HAIR IF YOU DONT KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT PLUM HAIR YOU DYE YOUR HAIR TO GET PLUM SO.... ENJOY
"
63224,"What is a prostitutes business motto? The customer always comes first.
"
154044,"Sorry neighbor who's choking to death, my cat's resting his little head on my leg. This, like, never happens.
"
27911,"What is the name of a dog with no legs and metal balls? Sparky
"
44634,"Two moles are going down a tunnel. The one behind says: I think I smell molasses.
"
69704,"Every letter likes Jews... but not-Z
"
17976,"I wrote a song about tortilla's Well. It's more of a wrap.
"
35435,"What do you call an original joke on this subreddit? Rare.
"
162614,"What's the difference between the UN and ISIS? The pension package.
"
203545,"Did you hear about the lady lawyer who went to her gynecologist? The gynecologist said, """" Let's use this device to spread your vagina."""" The lawyer shouts, """"I object! Calls for speculation!"""" I'll go...
"
80125,"Your mama's so ugly people discriminate against her for it and she has no legal recourse.
"
58220,"How can you smuggle 500 Jews across the border in one car? In an ash tray
"
45874,"What do you call a noodle that likes Reggae? A Pastafarian.
"
50395,"Ole! What does a fat white chick and a cinder block have in common???Both will eventually get laid by a Mexican!!!
"
152372,"What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A can't opener.
"
19071,"Confucius say: Man who is outstanding in rain dance will be out standing in rain.
"
162868,"My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
"
142686,"Why couldn't the Soviet Union get anything done? They were always either Russian or Stalin.
"
188613,"How do you seize the means of production? By overthrowing the bourgeoisie 
"
28413,"What's the difference between a washing machine and your mom? The last time I dumped a load into the washing machine, she didn't follow me around for a week!
"
109434,"Yo mama so fat the highway patrol made her wear """"Caution! Wide Turn""""
"
44184,"I Can see the future, Donald Trump wins the election This post made with **Internet Explorer**
"
210484,"I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
"
21907,"Two condoms are walking down the street... They pass a gay bar and one condom says to the other """"hey, do you wanna get shit-faced?""""
"
80240,"The World Cup has an official song. The official anthem is """"We Will Find a Way."""" It narrowly beat out the other contender, """"I Feel Someone's Teeth in My Shoulder.""""
"
7164,"What do you call a hatred for large plants? Bigotree
"
225582,"How do you catch a polar bear? First dig an ice hole. Then put a whole bunch of little green peas on the outside, and when the polar bear comes to take a pee you kick him in the ice hole.
"
151912,"In my town alot of people are mean... It's pretty average for them.
"
44548,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mom
"
165304,"*saves dandruff for 7 years to throw as confetti at friends wedding that i never really liked*
"
178262,"Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he was drinking it before it was cool
"
119746,"I was so drunk last night at the bar. When I walked across the dance floor to get another drink I won the dance competition.
"
80294,"I an expert on everything as long as I have google within reach and I don't like you enough to want to prove you wrong.
"
43583,"Three New Yorkers are sitting at a bar... I only know this because they won't shut the fuck up about being from New York.
"
23675,"Getting caught dating someone underage isn't a big problem. It's a minor problem.
"
119537,"Did you hear about the singing laptop? It's a Dell.
"
155727,"What's Scotland's BIGGEST cause of depression? Lonely ness.
"
54178,"Some people say Steve Jobs died to early... but I'd say its an appropriate metaphor for his companies policy on battery life
"
209980,"Who Makes More Money, A Prostitute Or A Drug Dealer? A prostitute. Because a prostitute can always wash her crack and resell it.
"
88171,"Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing """"kiss by a rose."""" REFUND!
"
167138,"Ah Twitter, never have so many said so much that mattered so little to so few.
"
51958,"How do you pick up a Jewish girl? With a dust pan.
"
139972,"""""I'm sorry"""" and """"My bad"""" mean the same thing Unless you're at a funeral
"
106684,"My wife says she's leaving me, because the beginnings of my jokes are becoming cliched and predictable...
"
213274,"The Miami Dolphins....
"
159732,"What do you call it when you fuck a teenager with a bottle of hot sauce? Srirachatory rape.
"
8771,"A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
"
79227,"What's brownish and runs on oil? Jesus in a hurry.
"
177401,"Q. Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? A. So they can find their way back to the house.
"
211225,"Why do French people only ever have one egg for breakfast? Because one egg is *un uf*
"
80612,"You know what I hate? People that start their statements with rhetorical questions.
"
120326,"WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
"
115370,"What did the getaway driver do after his accomplice, Rice, robbed the bank? Pilaf.
"
115957,"Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
"
41988,"I hate when people tell me I don't get it. Like, what does that even mean?
"
97950,"Why did the Easter Bunny have to fire the duck? Because he kept quacking all the eggs!
"
122640,"Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you're a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
"
4048,"Why did Barbie never get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box. Badum tiss.
"
102610,"Why can't you trust a Lithium Ion battery? Because they're always Li-ion!
"
61511,"The school called me on the phone today and said, """"Your son has been telling lies."""" I replied, """"Well, tell him he's bloody good! I don't have no kids!
"
66270,"In English there's a word for fucking everything. It's 'pansexual'
"
130466,"How do you call an unlocked phone ? Married and virgin.
"
102127,"Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius... I've been using money.
"
97519,"Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don't catch slurpees.
"
98594,"Indian restaurant I was at an Indian restaurant last night when the waiter came over and said,""""Curry ok sir""""? I said 'ok one song then fuck off.'.
"
151551,"What do you call the beautiful women in Australia... Tourists.
"
164019,"Fuck children, robots are the future
"
137378,"INXS was a really good band... It's a shame they hung it up.
"
201222,"19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
"
22429,"Your mom thinks she's anorexic Whenever she looks in the mirror she sees a fat woman.
"
58584,"Christmas tree's for single mom's Just big enough for her to carry by herself
"
776,"Did you hear about the Pirate suffering from scurvy? His attempts to cure it were *fruitless*.
"
110437,"According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it's hard to steal a car when  the owner's living in it...
"
58926,"What do you call people who hang out with musicians? Drummers
"
210410,"In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I'm always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
"
24624,"""""I used to work at a fire hydrant factory."""" """"You couldn't park anywhere *near* the place!"""" -Steven Wright
"
30860,"Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase """"I always give 110%"""", so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
"
15287,"A man walks into a bar and see three bitches. Because he's a misogynist.
"
27938,"DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
"
22876,"How many American golf fans does it take to change a lightbulb? 1001 1 to offer up the bulb and 1000 to scream 'Get in the hole'
"
215798,"How are Michael Jackson and Starfish Tuna similar? They both come in little cans.
"
44579,"Last Christmas I gave you my heart, But the very next day, I had heart failure.
"
75365,"Where did Javon get his earrings? Ja Mall
"
66012,"The Pythagorean Theorem, Newton's Third Law and Bernoulli's Principle walk into a bar. The bartender says, """"I'm not going to get this joke aren't I?""""
"
202970,"I heard Anheuser Busch is sending 9 truckloads of canned water to the areas affected by Hurricane Matthew. Who knew there was such a demand for Bud Light after a disaster?
"
5274,"What do you call the underground slave trade? The black market.
"
185641,"What do you call a snobby criminal going down stairs? A condescending con descending
"
217993,"A Jewish father and son are in their living room The son approaches his dad and asks """"Dad can I borrow $20?"""" The Dad replies: """"Ten dollars? Son, why do you need five dollars?""""
"
200839,"Doctor: And did you drink your medicine after your bath Mrs Soap? Mrs Soap: No doctor. By the time I'd drunk the bath there wasn't room for medicine.
"
207926,"Which is the most eco-friendly subreddit? r/Jokes, because 99% of its products are made from recycled material.
"
138738,"Why are black people so good at basketball? Because there is running shooting and stealing involved!
"
204981,"Spending the day driving past people taking pictures in public and yelling, """"YUCK! DELETE!""""
"
103632,"""""It's said like it's spelt"""" is easy to follow Unless it's said by a Welsh person
"
12102,"The police didn't believe me when I told them I found a flying carpet... They called the whole thing fabricated.
"
55775,"What do you do when you see Michael J. Fox in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry.
"
134765,"Why did little Johnny fall off the swing? ...he didn't have arms. Why did little Sarah fall off her bike? Someone threw a fridge at her.
"
13740,"There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums.
"
170190,"The difference between a comedian and a psycopath is good delivery
"
118148,"Why do Mexicans walk around school like they own the place? Their Father built the place and their Mother cleans it.
"
21665,"Last night I asked my Asian girlfriend for 69... She made me sweet and sour pork with fried rice.
"
30335,"What's white at the top and black at the bottom? Society
"
227031,"You know what my new year's resolution is? 1680x1050
"
59772,"What's 50 Cents name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars
"
93154,"Did you hear about the time that /u/poem_for_your_sprog and /u/ShittyJokeExplainBot got into trouble? It was a shticky situation. I'll show myself out.
"
223402,"Why did Adolf Hitler hate math class? He didn't like showing his work; was only interested in the final solution.
"
25504,"What did the big chimney say to the little chimney? You're too young to smoke. Sorry, it's the first joke I ever learned, and I haven't ever seen it posted.
"
180533,"""""As the crow flies"""" means something entirely different when it's """"in your living room"""" and you are """"hiding in the closet with your cat.""""
"
165848,"How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs? None. He fell.
"
196258,"Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking? Me: No B: Tell me our company policy M: Lol, I can't even do that when I'm sober
"
190655,"""""A black man follows me when it's sunny outside. When it's cloudy, he goes home."""" """"Brick, that's your shadow.""""
"
37933,"Maybe I'm like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
"
43929,"How long does it take for a newborn to fall from the empire state building? About 16 seconds
"
116295,"When someone yawns, I like to yell """"Surprise Dentist!"""" and stick my hand in their mouth, which is fun because I'm not really a dentist.
"
26869,"My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn't move.
"
173832,"I don't know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
"
76195,"What's the difference between hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber!
"
186672,"How many tickels until a octopus laughs Ten-tickels...... I'll leave
"
215249,"This girl said she wouldn't have sex with me because she was on her period... I'd say her excuse was spotty at best.
"
62265,"""""Dad. Dad. DAD! Please just come home. You promised us you'd stop after Volume 46."""" - Creator of NOW! That's What I Call Music's children
"
160408,"A man asks his dog, """"Can you speak English?"""" The dog replies, """"Por supuesto que puedo hombre no tonta, soy un perro!""""
"
20755,"A teacher asks one of her students what the formula for water was... He said, """"H I J K L M N O"""" Teacher: What? Student: Yesterday, you said the formula for water is H2O
"
225009,"Heard a good joke from a cam model. Which country has the hottest cam bodies? NSFW A. Cambodia. Then she slapped her ass and started masturbating.
"
126123,"why Palestinians have the fastest computers? coz they have RAM-allah
"
26071,"Muffins are just cupcakes that will never get laid.
"
136944,"I just discovered my new room mate is secretly a hard core racist and i wonder if should report him to the police. The dude takes part in illegal high speed car races at midnight
"
96424,"My friend accidentally shot off three of his toes He told me to get him to a hospital, I told him """"Sorry i'm Lack-Toes Intolerant"""".
"
109583,"Why does the pedophile like minecraft? Because he liked playin around all those miners.
"
70835,"What ten letter word starts with g-a-s? Automobile.
"
213487,"Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life? Myrrhder
"
148589,"I was raping a woman the other night and she cried out, """"Please, think of my children!"""" Kinky bitch
"
125415,"I wasn't dancing. I was trying to connect to the wifi.
"
228337,"What do you call Nightwing in a coffin? Dick in a box.
"
162796,"My relationship is complex. I'm try to keep it real but my girlfriend is imaginary.
"
117956,"What happens when ducks fly upside down ?  They quack up !
"
71264,"My dog has no legs. I call him Cigarette. Every night I come home from work, I take him for a drag.
"
219642,"How do you annoy a Reddittor? Repost
"
85810,"What's another word for slaughterhouse? Lumbar mill.
"
153781,"""""Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.""""
"
80473,"I'm not sure how messed up this is. What did Bill Cosby say when he was asked about the child abuse claims? Kids say the darnedest things.
"
11455,"I swear to god if my girlfriend calls me immature one more time... She's never getting her nose back.
"
219177,"I'm designing a new model of jackhammer It could be ground-breaking technology!
"
4660,"I'm hoping the nuclear strike button & the trap-door for hecklers button on Trump's desk are completely different colours.
"
96058,"Me: Watcha got there? 8: Lemonade. Me: What kind? 8: Mike's Me: Nooooooo
"
33226,"What is a ducks drug of choice? Quack.
"
74017,"I wish my band were shittier so we could get booked on Leno :(
"
10050,"How do you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the shit out of it!
"
76861,"Now remember kids; if a stranger offers you drugs say thank you because drugs are expensive ;)
"
100463,"I was arrested for washing my pants without taking the cash out of my pockets. They charged me for laundering money.
"
40962,"(Original) Why should you keep a broken clock? It's just nice having an extra set of hands around.
"
144385,"Whats a Feminist's favorite math subject? Triggerednometry
"
116650,"If the picture you took of the bad weather while driving isn't followed by a picture of your car crash then it wasn't that bad.
"
109714,"Sex so good, you get out of bed to see which neighbor is having it.
"
63944,"What happened after Hitler dyed his hair blonde? He became a Super Aryian.
"
214642,"Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
"
93169,"I'm sorry CO2, but I'm leaving you you're suffocating me!
"
127398,"So there's apparently been over 200, well preserved tibia excavated in the area surrounding the great pyramid in Egypt... sources say it was a real shin dig.
"
99595,"SHARKY_GAMING SHOULD DIE IN HELL HE SHOULD BE FORCED TO FUCK MY ASS AND EVERY THRUST HE DOES HE FEELS THE PAIN WE DO He Betrayed Us. He Should Burn. He Should Die.
"
155111,"If a woman is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, she: A. Has intimacy issues B. Is frigid C. Needs to sit somewhere else on the  bus.
"
132110,"If a tree falls in the forest with no one around to hear it... Does a hipster still buy the soundtrack?
"
101047,"Whats the difference between your mom and your dad? Your dad didnt cry when I fucked him in the ass.
"
24121,"Why are all early birds Catholics? Protestant birds don't really want a Diet of Worms.
"
130630,"My Thai girlfriend says a small penis isn't a problem in a loving relationship... I still wish she didn't have one.
"
89441,"I can't think of a single reason to use an idiom If you ask me, they're for the birds
"
191542,"What's Hitler's least favorite planet? Jupiter
"
112131,"Drugs and alcohol are never the answer. Unless the question is """"What are you gonna do this weekend, Pauly?""""
"
159398,"I should buy my girlfriend a plunger for christmas because she loves to bring up old shit.
"
89596,"[sliding $5 to the zookeeper] Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
"
15952,"What's the difference between a clit and the mini bar in a hotel? Most men can find the mini bar in less than 3 minutes.
"
143168,"If I had a dime for every nickel I had I would have three cents
"
26295,"Mike Tyson refuses to play on any Playstation... He is an Ex-Boxer.
"
63132,"Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate? A: S&M&M.
"
79985,"Ganondorf doesn't use Reddit There are too many Links
"
66064,"My Girlfriend assured me that a small penis should never be an issue in a loving relationship.. But I still wish she didn't have one at all.
"
121046,"Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
"
141648,"I want to die peacefully, like my grandfather Not screaming, like the people in the bus he was driving.
"
141287,"Question about storytelling. If I stand on stage, with four spotlights behind me, no matter how I tell the story, is everything I do going to be four - shadowed?
"
197971,"Imagine the most awkward thing you've ever experienced & it pales in comparison to watching me try to pass someone walking.
"
224977,"Two art theives were going about their business at an art museum. One said to the other, """"Grab the Monet and let's Gogh.""""
"
175267,"I was in the mood for nuts this morning so I chased a squirrel for 3 miles and the little prick led me right to his stash, yum!
"
99430,"Just gave my husband a 3 dozen box of condoms. He laughed and called it a life time supply. I laughed and called him optimistic.
"
219206,"I like my coffee served the same way like I like my women... A cup
"
135506,"When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
"
117737,"What do you call a Mexican on a hill? Gracias.
"
137260,"My Internet is acting like a black guy It doesn't work
"
107212,"Ray Rice's wife apologized for her part in the """"incident""""?!?!? That's insane. What did she fumble her purse?
"
57406,"So, uh... How about that airplane food? Edit: I'm so sorry.
"
197581,"I asked my Indian father for a PS3 He said """"No beta, it's pronounced PH.D.""""
"
129146,"Two big, strong, grey animals are talking to each other... Animal 1: Hey, you realize we have horns on the top of our heads right? Animal 2: Rhino
"
107065,"Well, it's Inauguration Day in America.... It's gonna be a great mourning.
"
31973,"No matter how kind you are.... German kids are kinder.
"
41609,"Your blood pressure looks normal, I'll fix that. - Children, every five minutes.
"
90515,"I can't spell armugedon... But it's not the end of the world.
"
40331,"What do you call a newborn with 3 arms? Not mine
"
33795,"If you take half from a half dollar what do you have? A dollar.
"
223361,"What's the difference between the Polish and polish? No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you
"
210574,"*me loggin into twitter* I'll have to bypass their security system *types in password* bingo
"
5551,"I'm wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
"
210754,"I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
"
170467,"A cow confronted Donald Trump after a rally It said """"what's your problem with moo-slims?""""
"
156848,"The spider I just killed with a napkin isn't in the napkin, and now I'm in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
"
83445,"It would suck to look like William H. Macy but not be William H. Macy.
"
188679,"I am Patrick Cox with Tax Masters I like my women Easy 10-40 EZ
"
135286,"65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
"
159601,"Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
"
152051,"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino (Hell-if-I-know)
"
14951,"Why do trash pandas always get into a fight? They trash talk.
"
144621,"""""Go to hell"""" is so abstract. """"Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months."""" Now that's specific. That's possible. That's terrifying.
"
22821,"I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
"
90492,"What do you call Rihanna if she gets fat? A Rihanna Grande
"
170252,"Half Life 3 was going to be released several years ago... ...But the voice actor for Gordon Freeman was supposed to announce it, and no-one can find him.
"
35999,"What's the difference between the standard alphabet and Christmas alphabet? There's Noel.
"
11351,"Sorry, I'm out of my mind at the moment, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. 
"
198062,"Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.
"
200469,"In Mexico, the KKK is known as the What What What.
"
165608,"Relationship status : Taken (for granted)
"
121989,"Why do walruses go to tupperware parties? They are always looking for a tight seal.
"
212703,"The inventor of the dissapointing punchline has died His funeral will be held on Thursday at 2pm.
"
208784,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Venus de Milo Barbie ...made of rock; no head no arms
"
215939,"What did Dr Dre cook for Thanksgiving? Beats.
"
197861,"You cannot taste me, until you undress me. - Banana, 2017
"
186727,"What does a computer say when it encounters a skunk? C: PU!
"
36975,"If you're trying to woo me without food... let me stop you right there.
"
52615,"A boy walks into a butchers and asks for a pound of kidelies Do you mean kidneys? asks the butcher. boy: I said that didelie?
"
210282,"Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does it's down the chimney.
"
214195,"My eyes have been bugging me recently, so I went to the doctor. He told me I have ocular herpes. Apparently I've been looking for love in all the wrong places.
"
109828,"That awesome moment when you flip your pillow over to the cold side.
"
90683,"I was shocked to find out that the woman I love was a one-night-stand type of girl. So I went to the furniture store and got her another one.
"
109130,"Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
"
93751,"Do you know what the hardest part of rollerblading is? Telling your father you are gay.
"
52249,"Walk like an Egyptian is a song, but also a sure fire way to make it safely through a bad neighborhood.
"
168044,"doctors before an x-ray be like """"dont worry this is perfectly safe"""" and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
"
216698,"Have you heard about the man with five penises? His underwear fit like a glove.
"
221735,"What country's citizens are most affected by global warming? South Koreans
"
71623,"Not only is it daylight savings time today, but also Int'l Women's Day. Because apparently a full 24 hours to celebrate women would have been just a bit much.
"
150812,"So I was listening to classical music really loudly the other day when suddenly... My speakers Baroque.
"
181411,"What's the difference between jokes and dicks? Your mother can't take 3 jokes at the same time.
"
124015,"I saw a motorcycle with a broken windscreen And I thought """"that's not fairing too well.""""
"
5952,"I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
"
205356,"Bruce Willis recently passed away while having sex He Died Hard
"
87095,"Did you hear that joke about mosquitoes? it's malarious.
"
60720,"Why did black beard kill his first mate? He kept singing, """"your ho, your ho, a pirate's wife for me""""
"
22542,"What's the difference between a cow, and 9/11? You can't milk a cow for 14 years.
"
221365,"Why did the soviet plane crash? It was stalin
"
140247,"I saw my ex wife in a grocery store. """"Having fun there?"""" I asked her, as she felt up the apples. """"Does that remind you of someone?"""" She said, """"No, but this does,"""" Then she started rubbing the grapes.
"
214453,"I'd consider myself an artistic fetishist I go hard in the paint.
"
193323,"Who's driving the car? Theres a muslim a mexican and black guy in a car, whos driving?.. **The cops**
"
68560,"One of the funniest jokes on reddit. /r/atheism
"
810,"Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
"
180724,"Turned on women's volleyball and within four minutes there was a wrist injury Don't worry I'll be fine
"
188727,"If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
"
156637,"""""Yoda, are we on the right track?"""" """"Off course, we are.""""
"
51608,"""""She loves me not..."""" : Picks last petal : """"She LOVES ME!"""" Flower: """"...NOT! LOL nerd"""" : Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
"
212591,"""""Can you make me look like this?"""" *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
"
163240,"How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend? Meat patty! Thought of you guys!
"
170394,"a gun is like a blow up doll You get off when you use it .... except it can kill someone.
"
19658,"What do you call a urinary tract infection caused in a virgin? Immaculate Infection
"
95149,"A racist joke Donald Trump
"
138891,"I'm an insomniac, and I fucking hate it... My friends sleep like a log and they love it, but when I try I have nightmares about lumberjacks.
"
190940,"Did you hear about the mechanic who dreamed of being a plumber? It was all a pipe dream.
"
157961,"A man desperately clings to reality as he laid on his mothers grave. Another man walks by and says """"Good mourning!""""
"
129519,"If you could only eat one thing from the McDonald's menu for the rest of your life... How would you off yourself?
"
96604,"The giant panda is no longer endangered... It's now extinct
"
174302,"What did the disappointed paraplegic say? I will not stand for this.
"
186748,"What do dwarves use to cut their pizza? Little Caesars
"
213224,"why is six afraid of seven ANSWER :because 789
"
101738,"What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?  'Here Kitty kitty kitty' !
"
75816,"I like my coffee how I like my women. Without a penis.
"
219229,"What is the difference between a woman and a terrorist? With a terrorist you can negotiate
"
155197,"What did Mario say to Yoshi when he started climbing the Cherry tree? (X-post r/landscaping) Yoshino!!!
"
170834,"A man went into a store to buy some condoms. """"That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax"""" said the store assistant. """"I don't need tacks"""" said the man. """"It'll stay up all by itself.""""
"
44622,"If Hillary Clinton stripped off her pant suit, what would you see? Depends.
"
203623,"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.
"
7050,"I asked my yoga teacher what my purpose in life is she said """" To inspire and then expire""""
"
66312,"What did papa butter say to troublesome son butter? You had *butter* behave now, alright son? I sure know you don't want to get *whipped*!
"
220731,"What happened to Loki after he wath hit in hith fathe with Odin'th Hammer? He became Thor.
"
212725,"What's the difference between a little guy with a pot o' gold and a big gathering where people's limbs are falling off? One's a leprechaun and the other's a leper-con.
"
27162,"Going to sleep: It's so cold in here, I'm totally wearing these socks to bed Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
"
212033,"Jared should be okay in prison He is used to 6 inches.
"
176407,"Doctor: Have you ever had this before? Patient: Yes. Doctor: Well you've got it again!
"
56554,"Why did Anakin kill all the younglings? To get to the other side.
"
34194,"Great pun joke It's difficult to explain puns to Kleptomaniacs because they always take things, literally.
"
66352,"The emperor's new joke
"
13349,"What did one pig say to the other? Let's be pen pals!
"
180298,"What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
"
169691,"Research says that if you're afraid of spiders, you're most likely to find them in your bedroom. I'm afraid of men with accents so...
"
225861,"How many black people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3/5
"
187712,"Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first did it before it was cool. The second did it ironically.
"
200690,"What kind of bat hangs upside-down? An acrobat.
"
184320,"what do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaaaaaaaaaaains...
"
82574,"Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
"
201091,"I'd rather vote for Monica Lewinsky than Hillary Clinton... ...because at least a little bit of Bill rubbed off on Monica!
"
68079,"Why don't cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
"
17328,"How did the hipster burn his tongue? He ate his pizza before it was cool
"
20389,"Was talking to a friend about taking many baths a day. """"There's no harm in taking baths repeatedly unless you are soap.""""
"
51714,"The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.
"
31456,"My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar's birth certificate.
"
199283,"Why did Sarah fall off the swing? ...because she didn't have any arms. Knock knock. (Who's there?) ...not Sarah.
"
184856,"Diet and exercise pro tip: Eat only on the days you are going to have sex.
"
218461,"What's Cain's favorite genre of music? Rock, I hear his brother hates it though.
"
70866,"Who will stop Donald Trump? The First Amendment people.
"
144655,"What do corn and staples have in common? They're both staples.
"
172486,"Yay! The healthcare reform bill passed! Waitress, a round of celebratory abortions for all my friends!
"
91902,"TIFU by taking someone else's sandwich at the deli today Oops... wrong sub
"
75466,"""""Nice to meet you,"""" she said, meeting me for the third time
"
54398,"I decided to get my girlfriend &amp; her sister new jackets for Christmas That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.
"
173031,"What do you call a water fowl looking in a window? Peking duck. (it came to mind over dinner... I thought I would share the pain with everyone)
"
102782,"Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you're going to jail Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
"
91693,"Q: What is red and smells like blue paint? A: Red paint.
"
14063,"If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
"
166023,"TIL four Chinese brothers attempted to invent the airplane but failed miserably Apparently two Wongs don't make a Wright
"
112578,"AVENGERS ASSEMBLE! THOR: """"here"""" IRON MAN: """"here"""" HULK: """"here"""" PHIL COLLINS - """"here"""" ... ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
"
220844,"What is Batman's least favorite TV channel? The Family Channel.
"
70459,"What do you call a fight between a human and a gorilla? A harumble.
"
124809,"What's more awkward than getting a boner in public? Your girlfriend getting a boner in public.
"
52025,"Why should you never mention the number 288? Because it's two gross. source: someone told me this joke, it's not my joke.
"
169631,"Parallel lines have so much in common. It's a shame they will never meet.
"
16115,"Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.
"
9095,"I had an odd-job man in to help me do some work around the house. I gave him a list of 10 things to do. He only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
"
12299,"Why did the Dick go to the 7-11? To get a Slurpee!
"
192137,"What's the difference between Texas and Russia? One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.
"
200467,"What made the cable guy late? There was a cord-eal
"
15729,"what do you call sodium chloride crossed with a poisonous writing utensil from out the sea a salt with a deadly wetpen *hides*
"
31603,"*DJ drops the beet* ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
"
181640,"something taste funny you know you have a bad underbite if every time your eating out your girlfriend it taste like shit
"
222921,"What kind of pants did the Japanese porn star wear to her job interview? Bu-khakis
"
189947,"Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election... But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago!
"
42601,"What do the Zika Virus and Catholic Priests have in common? They're both giving kids a little head all over Latin America.
"
114307,"Did you hear about the 50yo who couldn't deliver a baby? She was having a midwife crisis.
"
106747,"My wife nominated me to do the ice bucket challenge. I'm a little confused. Has anyone else been asked to hold a toaster at the same time?
"
199326,"""""Did you go shopping for my birthday  present?"""" """"Yeah and I found the perfect thing."""" """"What thing is that?"""" """"Nothing!""""
"
89741,"The closest I've been to murder is holding my choco-chip cookie under the milk until the bubbles stop...
"
167562,"Paris attack I beat the paris mission in mw3 today
"
137010,"Mother: Jared get your little sister's hat out of that puddle. Jared: I can't mum she's got it strapped too tight under her chin!
"
103533,"What's the difference between America and yoghurt? If you leave yoghurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture.
"
98117,"The Seahawks were going to go to Disney World... but they decided to pass.
"
34510,"19: Okay mom, don't freak out but... TOO LATE
"
15281,"If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it's my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it's in the Bible.
"
30573,"If I was super religious, I'd celebrate Easter by getting nailed.
"
92377,"I am forced to give up golf after breaking my leg. I fell off the ball washer.
"
100645,"We have it so good in America that once a year we voluntarily do migrant work and call it apple picking.
"
22486,"What did the ocean say to the river? """"You can run but you can't tide.""""
"
73242,"Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ? Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !
"
64148,"Why aren't there any asprins in the jungle? The parrots-eat-em-all.
"
174620,"Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.
"
183710,"Two fish are in a tank One turns to the other and asks, """"Do you know how to drive this?""""
"
229080,"Hillary Clinton is running for president. She just sent the announcement via email.
"
213785,"What do you call a couple, who are both in wheelchairs? A pair of polegics!
"
110384,"Im not saying I'm number one, uh sorry I lied I'm number one two three four and five.
"
138974,"What can a whole apple do that half an apple  can't do? It can look round.
"
74325,"We complain when it's hot. We complain when it's cold. We are such c**ts. That's why ET went home and never came back to visit.
"
158931,"Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
"
146606,"Thanks god my wife die. hhhhhhhhh
"
111178,"I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
"
89246,"Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn't compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.
"
50181,"Did y'all hear about the circus fire this weekend? Yeah, scary stuff... they say it was intents.
"
113459,"Where do man-splainers get their water? From a well, actually...
"
193352,"I bought some green apples about a week ago I can't believe they're still not ripe
"
38318,"I wonder if the coach of the opposing team on Air Bud got fired when he explained to the principal how a golden retriever outscored his team
"
187255,"I'm going to write a book called """"stop obligatory dual language"""" If no one buys it I'm going to study two languages.
"
174210,"I went to a space museum, because they where having a prize drawing for a car. I didn't win the car but they gave me a constellation prize.
"
100777,"Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet? 1996: eww that's gross 2016: head first without thinking
"
155380,"What do you do after you licked the softest and sweetest puss in the world? You put it back in the crib.
"
121464,"I bet cannibals were really disappointed by elbow macaroni.
"
22550,"How tall does the grass grow in Germany? Nein feet tall.
"
11451,"Remember the guy who played in the deer hunter, and pulp fiction? Christopher something or other... Anyway, I heard that he's opening a new hospital. They're calling it the Walken clinic.
"
134047,"Now that it's abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
"
150561,"what is the best gift for a jehovah's witness? an advent calender all those doors so many possibiltes.
"
44580,"A love letter from biscuit maker: Dear marie, today is good day, u r anmol for me... but u have crack jacked my heart, bcoz i have a little heart, now i m in 50/50 position...
"
103935,"Did you hear about the masochist who like cold showers? He took warm ones instead.
"
49944,"How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million? Walk in with $2 Million.
"
172091,"Many people think that Canada's new Prime Minister is hot. It's true, though.
"
185276,"my wife is alot like pandora radio she is always asking me if I am still listening
"
222722,"Why didn't the oyster give to charity? He was shellfish.
"
18926,"I am still at a loss over Hillary Clinton's defeat and I emailed my consolations to her, but never got a response Do I need to call FBI to look into it
"
185806,"The NSA A government organization that actually listens to you!
"
142858,"Me: Mmm...I love your milky white skin. Him: Ma'am are you registered for this class? Me: Yes Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
"
187106,"You know what's Obama doing right now? He's Havana good time (sorry)
"
160165,"I always keep gluten next to my bed in case a hipster breaks into my house in the middle of the night.
"
167833,"Kappa Full HD Mega 60FPS Sin Virus 1Link """"No lo descargo porque ya lo tengo""""
"
22620,"In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn't have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
"
111143,"For my SysAdmins and DBA's: Why did Hitler secretly want to work on MySQL? .. just so he could rewrite my.cnf
"
71310,"What do you call an employee at a sperm bank? A nutjob
"
15850,"What's the difference between a terrorist and a civilian? I don't know man, I just fly the drones.
"
157604,"Why did the hippie put his money in the  refrigerator? He liked cold cash.
"
195128,"What did the dyslexic kid say to his parents at Christmas? I love Satan
"
212661,"WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS? Me watching recorded TV shows
"
51604,"Relationship status: binoculars
"
32519,"What did the hat say to the coat stand? You stay here, I'll go on a head.
"
75946,"The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don't work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
"
69697,"""""What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?"""" - my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
"
47059,"How many Dell Service Reps does it take to change a light bulb? I don't know, I am on hold.
"
125868,"Dark humor is like food... Not everyone get it...
"
10346,"What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long? A runny bunny.
"
29820,"Everyone has a best friend who's mom they've wanted to fuck I like to think of my older brother as my best friend
"
10890,"What do you call an angry pastry? A croissant
"
148916,"I just went to see the local police chief give a talk on heroin. I couldn't understand a word he said
"
191618,"I remember the first time I saw my girlfriend, her hair was blowing in the wind, but she was too proud to run after it.
"
97753,"[world series game 1] Wife: where are our seats? Hamlet: 2b... Wife: there are people there Hamlet: or not 2b
"
77560,"I don't remember all of last night but the fact I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome!
"
15054,"I have feelings for you. Please take them and leave.
"
188130,"I asked my friend """"Do you know any other word for a big rock?"""" He said """"Boulder?"""" I said **""""Do you know any other word for a big rock?""""**
"
228127,"A """"G"""" in the right font is not only a nice looping arrow, it's also a map to the mythical G-spot!
"
21566,"All who believe in Telekinesis.... All who believe in Telekinesis raise my hand.
"
181868,"How do you get Dick from Richard? Buy him dinner first.
"
186336,"""""Hey man, he's not worth it. He's not worth it,"""" my friends say as they drag me away from a very hard to open jar of pickles
"
202643,"What kind of bee makes milk? A boobie.
"
93709,"Why didn't the NSA agent cross the road? He was snowed in.
"
28918,"Dear girls that go tanning, it's called 'sunkissed', it's not called 'dorito raped'.
"
29851,"What is the difference between a G spot and a golf ball A guy will actually search for a golf ball
"
198970,"Why did the female asteroid deny her boyfriends marriage proposal? Because she was scared of comet-ment
"
215184,"I accidentally bought regular Cheerios instead of Honey Nut and now my breakfast tastes like I'm attending a party sober.
"
100527,"Who is this guy named Rorschach and why does he paint pictures of my parents fighting?
"
143471,"How does Sherlock prefer his tea? Steeped in mystery!
"
165481,"What did the rednecks do for thanksgiving? Pump kin pie. Happy Canadian Turkeyday, you sick bastards!
"
165131,"NaCl / NaOH The base is under assault!
"
192769,"Doctor Doctor I can't get to sleep. Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
"
101067,"It Only Gets Worse As An Adult, Charlie Brown
"
143632,"""""It's a bird!"""" """"It's a plane!""""... What the hell were those two so excited about?
"
3969,"Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
"
86045,"What else do you need when you use your Batman shampoo? Conditioner Gordon.
"
137193,"BIack man found shot to death. 27 bullets in total. Police say it was the worst case of suicide they had seen.
"
165139,"An man shows up for his first day of work at a strict anti-racist organization. He notices his asian boss has very dirty glasses ... """"How can you even see with those?"""" """"You're fired.""""
"
201543,"My wife just told me she's leaving me if I don't stop drinking I told her """" Come on honey just one more drink, and I will help you pack!
"
167855,"you either die ... hating Justin Bieber or you live long enough to see yourself become a fan
"
39617,"Why is Uncle Sam's penis Blue and White? You supply the red.
"
44476,"My girlfriend asked me if I felt like aural. I think that's where it goes in one ear and out the other.
"
131831,"Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, """"Lets find something for mature skin."""" And then Security had to escort me.
"
101311,"If a stack is first in last out and a queue is first in first out, what is a circular queue? First in never out.
"
124449,"A man asked me how easy it was to contract HIV... I handed him an address and told him to stop by after dusk with a casque of Cognac and ask for the Honeybadger.
"
34142,"Sometimes I watch Spike TV just to be reassured that I'm not even close to being the biggest asshole in the world.
"
138816,"Why do Soviets use lowercase letters? Because they don't understand CAPitalism
"
134433,"How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.
"
57564,"Post that you're pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments. Tweet that you're pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
"
188803,"[Alligator feeding at the zoo] Me: Hey let me do it Keeper: 1st time? M: Heck no *alligator takes me by the arm* I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
"
85604,"What do you call a condom full of money? Johnny Cash.
"
19263,"My wife says that we should keep the chocolate milk in the back of the fridge so it stays colder, but personally I just think she's racist
"
127299,"What's the difference between peanut butter and jam? Dogs don't lick jam... just kidding... they do ;)
"
158146,"What is James Bond's favourite drug? Viagra, so he can Roger Moore.
"
122050,"Is the ocean salty because... the land doesn't wave back?
"
141492,"The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza store... and says, """"Can you make me one with everything?""""
"
170262,"I asked my dad if he liked his haircut... He said he didn't at first but it's growing on him.
"
117712,"The US government had a shutdown.
"
51641,"Watching your wife in childbirth... Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.
"
92882,"The Ford Escort was named after Henry Ford's love for high-priced hookers. Ironically, you'll have to pay for sex if you drive one.
"
26659,"What's Invisible and Smells Like Mice? Cat Farts...
"
2468,"What do you call a bee that gets engaged? A Beyonce.
"
200191,"I got into lucid dreaming recently its everything I imagined it to be.
"
58362,"Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
"
11324,"My friend died from eating too much waterfowl I thought he had lived a good, happy life He told me that he was full of Egrets
"
80324,"Why are you laughing? My dentist just pulled one of my teeth out. I don't see much to laugh about in that.  But it was the wrong one!
"
120029,"What's the difference between a $1000 used car and a Rolls-Royce? One's a grand car and the other's a grand car
"
123889,"How Many Business Analysts Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? None. The light bulb shall never burn out. (OK. It's more cathartic than funny...)
"
77044,"Me: I've had this for 3 weeks & I'm still single! HomeDepot Clerk: ma'am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall Me: that was unclear
"
177395,"How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever? He knows a lot about black holes
"
27156,"Meteorologist - Be horrible at you job and no one really cares. Pizza Delivery Driver - Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
"
224492,"You're right, homeless man on the subway...it is a """"clip your toenails into your McDonald's cup"""" kind of morning.
"
107927,"Why are all German cats dead? They have nein lives.
"
12265,"Why do bees have sticky hair? They use honeycombs.
"
50687,"What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip? Coo.
"
144438,"What do polar bears have for lunch ?  Ice burger !
"
231045,"Q: Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food? A: Neither have they!
"
101627,"How many sycophants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many do you want?
"
25754,"What is another word for Pokemon? A Rastafarian Proctologist
"
37902,"How do you know your sister is on her period? When your dads dick tastes like shit.
"
156203,"I'm gonna stop you right there. - traffic
"
79255,"6 more days, guys.. That's December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
"
204572,"ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much- JUDGE: you're on trial for murder ME: for murdering too much
"
200515,"My son just paced back and forth dictating his letter to Santa like a high-powered CEO. Forget Prada, the Devil wears Ironman pyjamas.
"
19732,"Saw an ad for a used battery in the paper today: """"Slightly rusty, in need of repair but has potential""""
"
109500,"What's a donkeys favourite breakfast cereal? Mule-sli
"
196403,"Well this is new. A pigeon just shit on my phone as I was texting.
"
187002,"Why are there windows on the back of French tanks? So they can watch the battle
"
40033,"If you have a tattoo on your head, you've lost the right to ask me what I'm looking at.
"
27711,"Did you hear about the gay Irish couple? Gerald Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzgerald
"
212184,"Trump and Hillary fall into an ocean. Who will be saved? America.
"
132575,"Me: Why are you in such a bad mood? 5-year-old: I haven't had my coffee. Me: You've never had coffee. 5-year-old: Exactly.
"
92323,"Why come cats purr? It's your pussy's way of saying """"I love you.""""
"
221168,"What do you call the object Attila the Hun uses to brush his leg hair? A Hun knee comb.
"
52123,"Anyone seen the movie about the female eye doctor who's always naked when she kills her patients? It's called 'Lasik Instinct'.
"
42120,"What's the difference between a blind sniper and a constipated owl? Everything. They have absolutely nothing in common.
"
89989,"Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, I'm really disappointed with Bill Gates.
"
2582,"What's the difference between MLK day and St Patrick's day? Nobody minds being Irish for one day!!!!
"
222943,"Why did the guitar player get arrested Because he fingered a minor
"
108342,"Why do vampires drink virgin blood? If you were going to eat a sandwich, you would enjoy it more knowing no one had fucked it
"
116045,"If Adam Sandler, Rob Schneider and Dennis Dugan are in a plane and the plane crashes, who will survive? American comedy films.
"
83375,"Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
"
214348,"I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I'm gonna kill anyone
"
226916,"Best Joke in League Of League? NA teams
"
103178,"I married way too young She was chinese.
"
142889,"In honor of Mother's day yesterday, did anyone here play jokes on their mom instead of give gifts?
"
167257,"Why are chefs the meanest? Because they beat the eggs and whip the cream
"
35443,"I used to have a job; """"I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.""""
"
153595,"I was trying to get my PC to run faster... So I painted it black but now it won't turn on
"
112938,"Helped my kid pick out a """"famous past explorer"""" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
"
67645,"The worst part about a prostate exam... is getting an erection in the middle of the exam and then them finding out you're not even a doctor.
"
81396,"A man walks into a bar. He goes """"I really shouldn't be walking through a building site"""" and leaves.
"
182621,"*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds* *hits 'stop recording' on outgoing voicemail message*
"
67628,"Why did the chicken cross the road To get too the other side lmao memeboi
"
104581,"So a man robbed an underwear store... ...and the perpetrator was arrested briefly.
"
200549,"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his Girlfriend? Wiped his ass
"
42361,"Another gorgeous fall morning I wish I was sleeping through.
"
107207,"OMG!! Ellen Degeneras drowned last night! They found her face down in Rikki Lake!
"
11904,"Did you hear about the the horse that got shot? He's in stable condition.
"
108424,"Happy new year everyone! Sorry, I'm a premature congratulator.
"
188698,"My friend just just dumped a funeral director she was dating. She said he was a real stiff.
"
168514,"What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs? A furrycanine
"
21924,"You gotta go for personality, guys.... They'll ALL look like grandma someday,,
"
189867,"Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
"
99504,"Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
"
222912,"I don't hate you because you're beautiful... You're not...
"
214075,"*Sexist Warning* """"Why is it called a waist?"""" Because you can easily fit another pair of tits on there
"
127997,"I can never remember if it's """"laying"""" or """"lying."""" Anyway, I hit a dude with my car and he's doing one of them in the middle of the road. :(
"
195227,"A ginger, a brunette and a blonde in Hell Just kidding, how could a ginger go to hell without a soul?
"
171855,"How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb One, they're efficient and not very funny
"
57970,"Why isn't Hitler invited to any barbecues? Because he always burns the franks.
"
148122,"What weighs 150lbs, stands in the kitchen and takes the piss out of your underpants? A washing machine.
"
211110,"Levi's commercial idea. A man lay dead on the ground. Another man stands over him. The camera pushes in slowly on the killer's face. Levi's
"
73639,"Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me? I'm cool if it's a burrito.
"
228033,"What do you call it when a white person robs you? Capitalism.
"
196398,"You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer? -Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
"
9800,"I've got a quiet buddy who taught his cat to speak. He's a fan of mew words.
"
94805,"I don't date older women because it takes too long to listen to their life story.
"
92228,"Your mom farted... And the Universe came into being.
"
221893,"What word is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly
"
4262,"I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, """"No, one drag is enough.""""
"
231145,"Old enough to know better, but still too drunk to care.
"
185642,"Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
"
154403,"Why did the chicken cross the school yard? To get to the other slide!
"
67804,"How do Canadians take care of their skin? Maybe it's maple leaf.
"
120362,"I just don't get you people who prefer the cold over the heat. The best times of my life are spent being hot, sweaty, and naked. Not cold, shivering, and bundled up.
"
142645,"If I had a nickel for every time I heard the same joke on Reddit... I'd have about $3.50
"
148082,"How do her parents punish Helen Keller? By leaving the plunger in the toilet.
"
118507,"Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
"
70589,"Who was the roundest member of Sir Arthurs round table? Sir Cumference. He at too much Pi. He ate approximately 3.142 slices
"
101802,"""""Can someone call me a doctor?!"""" You're a doctor. """"Please I'm losing my patience!"""" You're a terrible doctor.
"
210262,"Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
"
222733,"What is better than a cold Bud? A warm bush.
"
75058,"An eskimo was showing another eskimo pictures of his house... ... The other eskimo said """"That's an ice picture!"""".
"
133493,"happy easter everybody! remember it's not about the bunny but when scott stapp was nailed to that cross
"
228603,"I'm bringing sexy backward.
"
216791,"Reddit is really a green community, Considering all the recycled content that's on here.
"
22626,"What do you get when you mix /r/pokemon and /r/gonewild? PP up
"
110941,"How did the farmer find the sheep in the tall grass? Very satisfying.
"
185051,"Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
"
64493,"What do you call space herpes? Star Warts.
"
68878,"When she says she is """"new to NetFlix and Chill"""". ~ and her bed has surround sound...
"
78407,"I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
"
124467,"Ok I just started watching House M.D.:nn1 Does everyone gang up and beat House's other leg?n2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
"
25440,"Where do shadowbanned Redditors go? To the PAO Camp.
"
213161,"What do you call a person with a meat pastry on their ear? Pioneer.
"
13408,"Two electrons are having a conversation... Electron 1: Do you know why they call it the XBOX 360? Electron 2: Why? Electron 1: Because when you see it, you spin 360 degrees and walk away!
"
36894,"Whats a rapists perfect date? Netflix and kill.
"
148912,"Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call!
"
65600,"How many Southern Baptists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Change?!
"
43783,"Today I've smoked 2 packs of cigs, eaten only deep-fried foods & took the seatbelts out of my truck. Free healthcare is going to be awesome.
"
200160,"Pro Tip: Make sure you're physically fit when arguing with a mime. They speak the language of the body.
"
59248,"My girlfriend said I was stupid for taking unnecessary risks. At least I think that's what she said. I was too busy trimming my pubes with a chainaw at the time.
"
143332,"I just met a black vegan... All I kept asking was """"so you don't eat chicken?""""
"
199521,"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on mutilated corpses. The librarian says, """"Do you want the Part 1 or Part 2?""""
"
58308,"I love everything about writing except the part where you want to kill yourself, which is all of it.
"
15556,"How many Police Officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, they were too busy beating up the room for being black.
"
14755,"I'd estimate about 28% of the drugs you've taken were smuggled here in someone's asshole.
"
38530,"Who wants to get enraged and go persecute Christians? No one.
"
43638,"Lesbian Vampires What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? See you next month! Credit : /u/andrej88
"
132483,"You heard what Pedro the weatherman reported? Chili today, hot tamale
"
186604,"How much does a truck made of light weigh? Photons
"
150775,"Early christians supported marijuana usage. Just think about how many get stoned.
"
44887,"My son was born without eye lids My son was born with out eye lids, so when they circumcised him they used his foreskin as new eye lids. He's alright now, just a little cock-eyed
"
108240,"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, you've already told her twice!
"
139732,"Gasping for air while saying """"Oh. My. God."""" as a waiter brings you dessert makes you look like a big fat fuck.
"
48853,"I tried using self deprecating humor But I'm not any good at it.
"
112862,"Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable. Trainer: Ok now start pedaling. Me: What?
"
93647,"I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn. Edit: thanks for the gold! It's my first!
"
179995,"Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
"
189479,"Why did the droids take so long to complete the Death Star? Because they had bad motivators... Star Wars fans will get this one...
"
58742,"If you have time-stamped VHS footage of yourself blowing out birthday candles, you'll eventually be abducted.
"
209031,"I guess Donald Trump hates Pre-shredded cheese He wants to make America grate again
"
123167,"What do you call a midget, that escaped prison, that is also a psychic? A small medium at large.
"
40724,"Why so serious? A lady asked me if I thought she was wearing to much makeup. I told her it depends ... on whether she was trying to kill Batman or not.
"
174650,"What do you call it when you thrust a hairy pole in and out of your mouth, and at the end you spit out a white liquid? Brushing your teeth!
"
7453,"What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat
"
132867,"There are many jokes on Jimmy Fallon's TV shows... like Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders.
"
33678,"Q: How many Librans does it take to change a  lightbulb? A: Er two. Or maybe one. No --- on second thoughts make that two. Is that okay with you?
"
93588,"Finding a good date is like looking for a parking spot... all the good ones are taking and the rest are handicapped.
"
4497,"What did Reddit say about the post that had no comments? Wow, such empty
"
193863,"How do you find King Arthur in the dark? With a knight light....
"
154111,"ME: *eating shepherd's pie* this is really yummy SHEPHERD: hey, that's my pie
"
13952,"What is green, has 8 wheels, and flies? A garbage truck
"
164323,"Let's sing a Unitarian's favorite hymn. """"We gather together to gather together . . .""""
"
56424,"I asked my mom to tell me a joke... """"Your love life"""" wasn't the response I was looking for.
"
224618,"""""Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?"""" TRUMP: OK first, I've seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
"
173303,"My first workout back at the gym was great... I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
"
48890,"Why don't black people dream? Because the last black person who had a dream got shot.
"
180215,"Why are ISIS fighters afraid to join the TEA Party? They're afraid they'll be audited by the IRS.
"
200514,"How do you get whole race to hate you? Blow up the finish line. (I figured 2 years was long enough)
"
39326,"No matter how much you love someone, your whole world can change within 5 seconds of watching them run.
"
72270,"My pants are so tight I'm legitimately afraid they won't fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
"
10882,"What should you do if you're cold? Stand in the corner, because it's 90 degrees.
"
155681,"What do deer and women have in common? The hornier, the better!
"
181446,"Q: Why did the kid dump a bucket of water off the school roof? A: He wanted to make a big splash in front of his class.
"
225905,"Where does Phil Collins record all of his music? The stu-stu-studio.
"
203777,"What happens to all Vertibird pilots? They Fallout
"
231571,"How do you know a black guy's been at your computer? It's not there.
"
104716,"A Zen master once said to me, Do the opposite of whatever I tell you.' So I didn't
"
165662,"Why did the stop sign get an STD? Because it had a 4-way.
"
200027,"By putting the punchline in the title How do you trick /r/jokes into thinking it's a repost?
"
128452,"If 'real life' was really that great, Twitter wouldn't be so fucking addictive.
"
145762,"Sometimes... You just gotta treat life like a bad lay... Make funny faces and pretend you're having a good time.
"
170197,"If Satan lost his hair... ...there would be hell toupe.
"
84942,"How many nuns are there in a temple? Nun.
"
211307,"Went out to dinner last night & the hostess asked me """"Where would you like to sit?"""" I replied """"preferably on a seat."""" #accomplished
"
133693,"The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
"
48592,"How many SEC football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 1. And they get 3 credits for it.
"
105182,"I used to own a shop which sold 'Closed' signs... It didn't do very well. I had them all up in the window, but no-one ever came in.
"
93604,"What do you call a violent white man? Officer
"
15545,"My son also calls crystal meth, """"Cwistal Math""""! A-dorable! ;)
"
33028,"Don't Commit Suicide 0/10 people who commit suicide recommend it.
"
57390,"Why can't Mexicans cross the border in three's? Because there's no TRESpassing
"
87030,"I can sum up my taste in music and my political and religious beliefs in just a few bumper stickers.
"
94691,"""""You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You're an amazing singer!"""" - Vodka
"
198050,"Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody's gettin' ready for the world's end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
"
208738,"What's different between Asians and Caucasians? We're opposites in terms of erections and math class - one's hard for each of us, while the other isn't.
"
208310,"It's always a shame when people die so young... there's just so many things they'll never get to Chekov their bucket list.
"
156543,"He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
"
575,"How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down
"
223300,"We all have someone's phone number in our phone and they have no idea we have it!
"
98931,"Dinner at robots family Mum, dad and little robot. Little robot asks his mom - What we'll have for dinner today. Mom replies: SCREW.
"
146895,"How long does it take for a woman to have an orgasm? Who cares?
"
17560,"INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
"
89057,"Who did the Indian Girl choose to Marry? No one. Her parents chose for her.
"
171640,"Slash: Ok whats Paradise City like? Izzy: Pretty girls? """"Yeah!"""" Axl: Nice lawns! """"Huh?"""" Axl: Green grass! """"Grass is alw-"""" Axl: JUST WRITE IT
"
171432,"When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
"
37731,"My marriage is based on trust. And according to my wife's lawyers, that trust is based offshore.
"
194369,"So a Syrian refugee walks into a bar in Hungary. No, he doesn't.
"
108279,"My buddy has a telescope but I don't think he uses it for astronomy. I asked what his favourite constellation was and he said, """"Samantha"""".
"
47787,"What does a witch do if her broom is stolen  ? She calls the flying squad !
"
32542,"Do you know what happens when you don't pay your exorcist? You get repossessed.
"
228914,"What did the buffalo say when dropping off his son at college? Bison.
"
797,"Don't look out of the window Betty people will think it's Halloween.
"
112992,"What's your favorite stereotype? Mine is the boom box.
"
38525,"Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.
"
182064,"So a developer walks into a var ..that's all I got
"
38043,"Him: I know your secret Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah? H: You killed someone M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
"
78861,"amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i'm like """"yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?""""
"
159652,"I polled a bunch of horses asking them if they wanted equal rights as humans. Oddly enough, they all said nay.
"
29447,"In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he'd yell """"HOt DOG"""" then howl like a wolf & give away his position
"
112149,"My dad always told me to follow in his footsteps... ... he died in quicksand
"
99169,"Girls can be so ungrateful sometimes... I made breakfast in bed for her and instead of saying """"Thank you"""", she was all shouty like """"How the hell did you get in my house...?""""
"
224946,"What did the tomato say to the ear of corn? Nothing, as tomatoes lack any ability to communicate.
"
204384,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.
"
15606,"It's too beautiful to stay inside today. That's why I moved my bed closer to the window.
"
141531,"Why is a baker's dozen 13 instead of 12? In case one dozen come out right.
"
117272,"My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
"
16367,"I have sychic powers. For example, right now you're thinking, """"it's psychic.""""
"
161442,"Alabama VS. Mississippi A man lived in Alabama. He moved to Mississippi. He raised the IQ in both states.
"
24275,"""""This is where the magic happens."""" - Harry Potter walking into his bedroom and every other room on MTV Cribs.
"
200995,"If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you're probably holding the taser wrong.
"
99570,"ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
"
29082,"Coworker to me: """" Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You're single with no kids."""" Me: """" Exactly.""""
"
231325,"What did the couch surfing, yoga junkie say when his friend asked him to leave? Namaste.
"
125255,"Did you hear about the guy that lost his left side in an accident? He's all right now.
"
88765,"If a stranger offers you a piece of candy...take two.
"
227938,"Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don't wear any.
"
198557,"[loud bar] Her: I have to urinate Me: What? H: Urinate M: What? H: URINATE! M: Well, YOU'RE a 10! H: Huh? No! You're like a 5. I gotta pee.
"
64109,"What do you call a truck with only five Mexican passengers? Under capacity
"
147139,"I hate Russian dolls They're so full of themselves.
"
157863,"I don't get why people pay to exercise in a GYM when it's FREE to not exercise.
"
6682,"Pick the odd one out... Pick the odd one out: eggs, meat, wife, blowjob. You can beat your eggs, you can beat your meat, you can beat your wife, but you can't beat a blow job
"
89120,"[date] """"don't let her know ur from twitter"""" Her: whats wrong? Me: This fork only has 3 prongs Her: So? Me: it should be called a threek
"
107418,"We won't know we've truly made it as a society until computers in movies stop making beeping noises
"
196797,"When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, BAM! I'm the most popular person in the world.
"
72646,"I do 8 sit-ups every mornin'. Might not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
"
101108,"How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, a beaver, an ass, some hares, and a fish that no one can seem to find.
"
202605,"I had such a great masturbation session last night... that when I woke up in the morning my dick was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.
"
127597,"What's an owl's favorite song? The Who's Who are you? Hoot hoot. Hoot hoot.
"
56757,"Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere **Knock Knock** Who's there? Not Sally.
"
229007,"What do u call a bad jokester? Matteo
"
212765,"Why did the bird go to the theater? She wanted to wait in the wings.
"
179144,"Whats the difference between a cockpit and a condom? you can only get one prick into a condom -Fight Club
"
55289,"Sometimes my girlfriend and i like to laugh about how competitive we are. But i laugh more.
"
166284,"Did you hear Buzz Lightyear was arrested? He was charged with battery.
"
74086,"Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
"
168746,"guy: my dog just died girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
"
207804,"Our co-op has the most amazing locally grown, organic ibuprofen right now.
"
21935,"What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say to his colleague? Hoover fuck said this job would be a good idea?
"
54602,"People who speak who speak 3 languages are trilingual People who speak 2 languages are bilingual. People who speak 1 language are Americans.
"
28693,"what do you call the people who were protecting a van? the vanguard
"
47000,"Actually....The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is,,,,,, Just open the door and push her out.
"
73611,"There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who undertsand binary, and those who don't.
"
5248,"I feel really bad about being at this girl's house last night. I came in seconds. Besides that, what kind of shitty name is that for a cat?
"
88303,"Why does the corn hate the farmer? Because he picks his ears!
"
165428,"How do dinosaurs like their chicken? RAWWWWWWWW!!!!
"
222132,"My new years resolution for 2012 is to figure out how calendars work
"
70297,"A baby is like a bee farm I don't have one, but if I did, I would stay the fuck away from it.
"
12786,"Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like? Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
"
113218,"A man walks into a zoo... ..... and there's only one animal. It's a dog. A shih tzu.
"
35756,"That time in 1997 you found out Chris Rock & Chris Tucker are 2 different people & realized you're racist. #thatwasawkward
"
69442,"My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
"
229372,"A man goes into a library and asks for a book on pick-up lines. The librarian replies, """"It's in my house, if you want to come over and collect it.""""
"
101822,"I am 48 and my wife is 8 months pregnant. am i too old to be a dad?
"
68930,"Sexy subjunctives... ... give you would.
"
187007,"Hey street performer, try juggling life and a real job
"
216396,"Chuck Norris is so strong, he can role a bowling ball up stairs...........without touching it.
"
195302,"Difference between GF &amp; WIFE Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.
"
72857,"THE BAD BELT Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
"
133889,"What type of lunch do you get at an air show? A plain one.
"
186793,"What is Winrar's Favorite pickup line? I can Unzip it for you.
"
195357,"What kind of baby appears when an Eskimo and a Japanese person have sex? Ugg Li
"
88444,"For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
"
40072,"Who's your Daddy? In my excitement, I asked my girlfriend """"How's your daddy?"""" instead of """"Who's your daddy?"""" and now five hours later we're still talking about his diabetes...
"
76155,"If you love something set it free,unless it's a lion. Don't do that.
"
205867,"A cop pulls an illegal immigrant over near the US-Mexico border and asks """"Papers?"""" The immigrant responds """"Scissors"""" and drives away
"
183797,"My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
"
205648,"Those leaf blower guys must be constantly looking for blow jobs.
"
90548,"honey i shrunk the oreos just kidding they're mini oreos stop crying
"
48780,"The McRib is back. Because you're getting new underwear for Christmas anyway.
"
108995,"Cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms please. Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that sir? Cowboy: Nah... She ain't that ugly.
"
191811,"Why did the T-Rex go extinct? He had a reptile dysfunction.
"
138368,"Teenage sex. Haha-ha...ha...amirite guys?... : {
"
130591,"Once this cunning guy had a drum but a real problem with it A conundrum some might say.
"
217561,"10 minutes into the work day and this subreddit is like the frozen section at the butcher shop. There are no fresh links.
"
151651,"You know your girlfriend is fat when... When she fits into your wife's cloths.
"
187362,"What do you call a roaming caveman? A meanderthal
"
207477,"Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
"
153778,"I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined. I literally can't buy shit.
"
154186,"Monica Lewinsky says she WILL endorse Hillary for president... ..says Hillary Clinton """"doesn't suck.""""
"
145605,"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? It had great food, but no atmosphere.
"
215584,"""""How do you speak with an American accent?"""" """"Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you're out for revenge.""""
"
197133,"I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying """"me too"""" after she told me she had a boyfriend
"
182946,"What happens when you play the drums incorrectly? You get repercussions
"
75858,"So the Chicken and the Egg are laying in bed. The Chicken lights up a cigarette, takes a deep drag and says, """"Well, I guess that answers that question...""""
"
122049,"What's the opposite of effort? F it.
"
133631,"Breaking news: Messi won't be playing against Netherlands He is suffering from extreme abdominal pain caused uncontrollable laughter caused by watching Brazil vs Germany
"
207268,"How do you mend a jack-o-lantern? With a pumpkin patch.
"
151812,"I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
"
78184,"What do space aliens put on their windows? Venutian blinds.
"
19395,"What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca and a vampire? AUTOEXEC.BAT (Not my joke, but I tell it every time a buzz needs killed.)
"
55672,"alcohol is never the answer, unless the question is, """"why were you barely conscious on the kitchen floor eating dog food?""""
"
13685,"What is a childs's favourite type of Halloween candy? Lots a candy.
"
134519,"*walks into Best Buy* *points to CDs* """"May I have 4 sound bagels please""""
"
114077,"What do you call a rock band with a perfectionist in it? OCDC
"
29739,"I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
"
231617,"Astronomy Professor: What causes a half-moon? Student: When you can't get your jeans over your thighs.
"
82354,"What did Blackbeard say to the girl who was dressed as a sexy pirate for Halloween? """"Land Hoe!""""
"
70176,"*gets on 1 knee* Jenny... """"OMG"""" *places hand on heart and starts crying* """"This is great!"""" *gets on 2nd knee* I'm having a heart attack
"
168106,"A mechanical engineers wife comes out of delivery. She texts him She texts him : """"your new vehicle has been launched"""". He replies : """" is it with gear stick or automatic?""""
"
145568,"Just saw a homeless woman try to use a cat as a telephone. She accepted a cigarette in exchange for the cat. Cat is my telephone now.
"
36799,"how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? one will see you later, and the other in a while
"
43976,"Fred: I got 100 in school today. Mother: Wonderful. What did you get 100 in? Jason: Two things: I got 50 in Spelling and 50 in History. Mother: Well at least you can add !
"
173565,"Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!
"
191536,"What Trumps favorite song Make it rain (there are two way you can read this)
"
181314,"This Brazil v. Germany World Cup Game.
"
83317,"So, I got a card from a friend that said """"I'm Sorry"""". It was all handcrafted and I didn't know what it was for, but I was flattered. I opened it and it said """"For fucking your mom"""" :0 WTF!?!?!?
"
134751,"What is the similarity between Disney World and a woman? They both make you wait 2 hours for a 30 second ride!
"
122746,"Wife: Have you seen my stilettos? Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
"
9383,"Sometimes, eating is very similar to driving. You trust stale greens
"
9480,"If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
"
71336,"I call my girlfriend Dumbledore Because she's the real headmaster
"
146648,"Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
"
119877,"I usually do not show favoritism... I usually do not show favoritism between my two daughters, but only one of them does anal.
"
114465,"What do you call hiring German engineers to work on your overseas project? Krautsourcing
"
156240,"A potato don't look like much but w/ the proper preparation, it can be great in so many ways. Now go out there and be your best potato
"
59969,"What do you call a black kid riding a bike????? A thief....
"
152827,"What was the Christian plastic surgeons specialty? Faith lifts
"
170851,"What he said, """"Let's just drop it."""" What I heard, """"I can't think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.""""
"
87350,"Well, I was going to make a joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy...
"
189088,"Polish Ice Hockey tragedy The whole team drowned during spring training
"
191528,"A woman's favorite position is CEO.
"
75402,"I can row a boat. Canoe?
"
52628,"When a door closes... and incognito window opens.
"
90258,"A pig's favorite movie: The Monster That Ate New York.
"
206445,"How do you kill a Mormon? Bore them to death.
"
192263,"I'm gonna kill anyone who says swag... ...They'll call it the yolocaust
"
184501,"So I have these lesbian neighbors... They asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and then got me a watch. I think they misunderstood me.
"
177463,"Making people uncomfortable & upset really gives me the most happiness in life . Above all else , I hope to make you feel wrong
"
43849,"Why didn't the melons get married? They cantaloupe.
"
86862,"How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle? Somebody took a corner!
"
140736,"What do you call an empty field? The french army at the beginning of a war!
"
200816,"What's gray, disappointing, and in the shape of an oval?
"
18368,"I wouldn't eat food cooked by aliens because they cum in peas!
"
215879,"It used to be that when people would tell me to go to Hell, I'd say """"I don't believe in Hell."""" But then I got married.
"
196366,"Two elephants and a snake jumped off a cliff... Boom Boom Tsss
"
86029,"Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
"
37801,"Why did people call the late man a tiny ass? Because he was a little behind.
"
35420,"What do Peacocks mate with? Peacunts
"
59820,"If I had a time machine and could travel to any time imaginable, I know in my heart I'd probably just set that thing to lunchtime.
"
118448,"There's a new dating site for bestiality enthusiasts It's called Petfinder.com
"
201589,"You might be a redditor if You clicked.
"
161815,"So I dropped my pack of gum when my sister asked for a piece I looked to her and said """"Don't worry... It's in MINT condition""""
"
130517,"I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I'd regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.
"
104330,"A boy asks for a pink ping pong ball... a boy comes downstairs and asks for a pink ping pong ball. """"don't you start that again."""" says the mom.
"
154584,"Knock, Knock... Who's there? The Gestapo. Gestapo who? Ve ask ze questions, schwein.
"
53262,"An jihidist walks into a club ...on a Tuesday...
"
9058,"What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.
"
191780,"What do you call a Punjabi fellow stuck in the middle of a shark-filled ocean? Amandeep trouble.
"
175245,"Me: tries to sleep Brain: M: B: M: B: M: B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
"
8956,"In the year 1973, there were 2000 Elvis Impersonators. By 1993, over 30,000. At this rate, by 2050 1 out of 3 people will be Elvis
"
54667,"shows up late for first day of new job *blames it on rush hour* shows up late for second day of new job *blames it on rush hour 2*
"
37122,"What did the astronaut get instead of athlete's foot? Missile Toe
"
79870,"How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
"
160035,"One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people Then the grenade exploded
"
196867,"*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket* Ok stand back """"Detective, what are u doing?"""" What does it look like, I'm launching this investigation
"
126405,"The Art of Camouflage by Ruff Buttsex.
"
70375,"What is Beethoven's favourite fruit? BA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA
"
18683,"I visited my friend in his flat He told me to make myself at home. So I kicked him out. I hate having visitors
"
25639,"What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died? Well, that's the edamame.
"
141499,"Did you hear about the guy who walked around with two pails of milk on his feet for a year? It was legendairy.
"
108073,"Why didn't ken and barbie ever have kids? Because ken always comes in a different box.
"
207318,"People who don't understand sarcasm are awesome.
"
151079,"When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats. This is known as the many paws.
"
64005,"Profanity is unnecessary and fucking stupid.
"
104072,"What STD does a hip black man get? Kool-AIDs
"
13513,"Why are so many lesbians vegetarian? Because they don't like to eat meat (   )
"
12668,"Nobel Prize Who ever invented Knock, Knock Jokes should win the No-bell Prize.
"
93428,"Why are Australians so well balanced? They have a chip on both shoulders.
"
125142,"Me: It's been 3 years, but I'm finally making progress on my book. Friend: You're writing a book? Me: No. I meant the book I'm reading.
"
11065,"What is a vampires least favorite food? Steak! ...I'll see myself out now.
"
8247,"My friends think I should stop telling jokes because my punchlines are always shit. Shit.
"
215946,"*16 calls me at office* 16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight? Me: No 16: You're out of beer Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
"
20342,"I totally bombed my LSATs by writing in """"Possession"""" for nine-tenths of the answers.
"
122561,"Why is revenge a dish best served with honey? Because honey is what you find at the end of bee trails (betrayals)
"
227788,"What did the bookshelf say when it looked in the mirror? """"I can see my shelf""""
"
179117,"Scientists have discovered that radioactive fluids with a half-life of 3 years take a long time to travel through valves
"
135424,"see inside funny how a subreddit devoted to jokes could have the least funny april fools gag
"
25554,"I am sad I can no longer get Arnold Palmer's at restaurants anymore But it looks like I can get an Arnold Embalmer now.
"
84051,"You know what I love about being bipolar? NOTHING I FUCKING HATE IT!
"
14903,"Two forks... Two forks were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? Because forks can't fly. Two cows were flying and one of them crashed. You know why? He got a fork in his eye.
"
27930,"What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump? One is a cartoon character with a hot temper and the other is a duck.
"
54153,"Proof that Jesus and his disciples were all Mexicans... It says in the Bible that they all traveled in one accord!
"
110728,"Mom: Hey honey who are you talking too? Me: My girlfriend. Mom: Don't lie to me you fatass! You're ordering pizza aren't you? Me: ( ._. )
"
216183,"Scientists are close to re-enacting The Big Bang theory. Hope its got another hot blonde with nice tits in it.
"
102155,"Why does Santa go down the chimney? Because it **soots** him. Credit: Curious: The Tourist Guide
"
226834,"Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I've had similar successes.
"
70140,"Just asked my wife what she's """"burning up for dinner"""" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
"
3624,"What's the difference between a four year old and a baggie of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a baggie of cocaine fall out the window.
"
89988,"If you get ash on your clothing don't brush it off, blow ot off. Otherwise you'll just rub it in.
"
58533,"When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
"
198596,"I'm allergic to alcohol... Every time I drink it, I break out in handcuffs...
"
171532,"Wife: We're going to Jessie's BBQ today. Me: She's the one with the big--- Wife: They're fake! Me: So? -liveTweeting from the DogHouse
"
146658,"What do you get when you throw a bomb in a French bathroom? Linoleum Blown-apart
"
77551,"I'm just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
"
211068,"I want to be a pharmacist just so I can yell """"Now take these suppositories and shove'em straight up your ass!""""
"
117388,"Who do you call when you need a dock fixed? A docktor.
"
207099,"What Do You Call Two Trains Crossing A Road? A Bad City Planner!
"
168722,"If fake tans make you look more attractive then logically so will rolling your naked body in Cheetos dust.
"
61277,"What happened after the eyeliner and mascara got in a fight? They had make-up sex.
"
180715,"Firing Victoria of IAMA
"
97136,"If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
"
79130,"They say a blowjob makes your day... ...but anal makes your whole week.
"
180947,"I always set my watch 10 minutes forward. I wanna be ahead of my time
"
89225,"I'm just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you're changing your phone number and the next you're filing a restraining order.
"
75364,"I keep forgetting  which Disney princess is it who solves all her own problems without trying to find a boyfriend?
"
216700,"What do you call cow without a girlfriend? Beef Stroken off
"
214384,"How can you tell if you accidentally wandered into a gay bar? Everyone keeps offering to push your stool in
"
74443,"So a guy enters a theme park alone
"
92352,"""""When I learned how to edit videos I felt like the Flash..."""" Friend: """"Why, because you fast learner?"""" Me: """"No, because I fucked up the timeline.""""
"
166529,"I want to make medical bracelets that say """"In case of emergency, delete browser history""""
"
189458,"Haikus are easy But sometimes they don't make sense.  Refrigerator.
"
195369,"Where do you see yourself in four years? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
"
215096,"OMG! I just got an email (in my bulk mail folder) from Oprah Winfrey!!! She's gonna help me increase the size of my penis!!!
"
91481,"I told the boys at the pub that the first thing I will do if I win the lottery is buy a couple of rounds... of ammunition to keep all you losers away.
"
182917,"I asked for a new gaming console for Christmas, instead I got some torn up cardboard, I asked why """"I thought you asked for an ex-box?""""
"
222846,"stolen from dave allen Imagine if you will you are at a man's house having your way with his wife and he comes home early and catches you. And he says """"Carry On"""" and you can
"
189567,"ME: My New Year's resolution is to eat less WIFE: Good! ME: (very, very quietly) ...vegetables.
"
20757,"With a wheelchair, everyday is Halloween! Children are scared of you, adults try to guess what you are, and the elderly just give you candy! Paraphrased from the wonderful Zach Anner
"
104085,"Easter is almost here. So to celebrate, I'm going to get nailed and hammered like Jesus would want me to.
"
7622,"A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in... The American shouts """"Gross!"""" and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying """"Danke!""""
"
135207,"What do you call a redhead [NSFW] ...in an interracial gangbang? Red Riding Hood Happy Halloween.
"
116697,"What do Hitler and Terry Fox have in common? Neither can finish a race.
"
1667,"Hitting on women at this PTA meeting would probably be easier if I actually had a kid at this school.
"
62889,"What do you get if you cross a vampire and a circus entertainer ? Something that goes straight for the juggler !
"
56307,"Girl are you a school? Because I wanna shoot some kids in you
"
66026,"Women have eggs and milk in them... And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.
"
126659,"All these illegal immigrants...(xpost) ...have crossed the line!
"
14048,"I like my women like I like my reality shows.... Naked and afraid.
"
22535,"I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
"
127728,"A man put a sail on his bike... He was gone with the Schwinn.
"
165101,"A set of jumper cables walks into a pub...... And the barman says, """"You can come in here mate but don't start anything! """"
"
152016,"Wife: It's date night! Me: So, a movie, and... You still have that school uniform? W: Yes. *winks* M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
"
111308,"What does a casino and a prostitute have in common? They both fuck people for money.
"
123394,"I made $350.05 sucking dick last night. Me: I made $350.05 sucking dick last night. Friend: Wow! Who gave you the nickel? Me: All of them...
"
11825,"Sometimes I just get the urge to belt out The Lion Sleeps Tonight. After all, it's only a whim away.
"
130114,"What does a DrugLord and a TimeLord have in common... They both have two hearts, but one keeps his spare in a cooler.
"
207219,"You only live once. Make sure you spend 15 hours on the internet daily, desperately seeking validation from strangers.
"
103685,"I guess now we'll never know if they were identical or fraternal twin towers :(
"
137030,"Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where ever you left him!
"
133353,"Two drummers walk into a bar... Ba dum tssh.
"
104135,"Threeway or gangbang If five pre-civil war slaves are gangbanging someone, is it considered a threeway?
"
35557,"Mr. Penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him habitually!
"
225952,"Why do artists die early in life? Too many strokes.
"
86438,"How do you end beef with someone? With the assistance of your friend, use a machete to chop the cow into pieces.
"
77057,"Knock Knock -Who's there? -The pilot. Let me in
"
212042,"Why does nobody like Tigger? Because he plays with Pooh.
"
82683,"Ladies: If he's right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
"
133337,"How to wash dishes like a bachelor: 1. Put in sink 2. Wait
"
74433,"I had to put my dog down today. My arms were getting tired.
"
28059,"There's a strong correlation between the amount of pre-made holes in a guy's jeans & his level of douchiness.
"
210467,"Dropping the bass So my friend tells me she respects people who play the bass. I reply with the following: """"the only bass I like is the base that drops."""" Tell me Reddit, tell me I'm hilarious.
"
170607,"I decided to jerk off right in front of my blind girlfriend last night She didn't see it coming.
"
179755,"Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!
"
28122,"A guy asks a nurse about his wife.. guy: Nurse when do you think we can have sex? Nurse:wait I'll just go and change.
"
45707,"Deer Run Too Fast
"
195526,"So the Asian guy from the Human Centipede has a Twitter account... He's not very popular though. He only has two people following him.
"
35030,"What do you call a large pile of kittens? A meowntain.
"
110303,"Where is an elephant's sex organ? In his toes. If he steps on you, you're fucked.
"
62972,"What car does a japanese girl love to ride Nee-san
"
166426,"Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle? Because the steaks were too high...
"
210960,"""""So, you're going that way? Cool. Me too."""" - Dogs
"
101501,"What's 16 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole? Obama's Tie.
"
129175,"What does a cranky Japanese person suffer from? PAST: Post Atomic Stress Disorder
"
71773,"Sex is like a good joke I dont get it
"
130463,"Spiderman, Spiderman/ Does whatever a spider can/ Attends college/ Works as a photographer/ Just like a spider
"
166110,"Fidel Castro just passed away... ...I suppose Black Friday was too MUCH capitalism for him.
"
121494,"Why does your son call you big brother? Because he's your mom's kid.
"
31767,"I asked Siri """" surely it isn't going to rain tomorrow"""" and he replied """" yes it is, and don't call me Shirley""""...turns out I left airplane mode on
"
201951,"I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
"
162352,"Want to hear a joke? Your government is competent and uses your tax dollars efficiently.
"
144073,"What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? Attire
"
141889,"The awkward moment when you've already said """"what?"""" three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.
"
96106,"Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You're distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
"
158673,"Word of advice: dont bother buying toilet paper marketed under the name of Chuck Norris... It's rough, tough, and doesn't take shit from anyone.
"
188597,"Yesterday I met a pirate that wouldn't stop telling me about his age. Aye matey.
"
101466,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Circus Clown Barbie ...complete with scary face paint and scary  wig
"
152605,"be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you'll turn into a cartoon character
"
48677,"What is a good title for a movie about bacon? """"Babe: The Final Chapter""""
"
80402,"Boyfriend rushes home: Pack your bag honey, I've won Rs.10 crores in a lottery. Girl Friend: Wow! Dubai or Switzerland? Boyfriend: Who Cares? You just pack your bag &amp; GET LOST!!!
"
76609,"A girl has taking home a very handsome guy... ... to spend the night. When he unzips she bursts out: - """"Oh! I've never been with a circumcised guy before"""" - """"I'm not. This is just wear n' tear""""
"
46303,"My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.
"
159215,"Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn't understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex...
"
127739,"Last night I found out you can make a lot of people REALLY angry if you dress in a Star Trek costume and also carry a light saber
"
149320,"How does a queen bee get around her hive ? She's throne !
"
100228,"Did you hear about the eagle that performed a piano concerto? The applause was quite raptor-ous!
"
178093,"*At The Opera* Her: Where are you going? Me: I have to go to the Men's Room. Her: I have the car keys. Me: Shit!
"
146354,"My local baseball team can't sell beer at the stadium anymore... They lost the opener! [wah wah](http://www.sadtrombone.com/)
"
31412,"I don't get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
"
188316,"If we have an Idaho, why don't we have an Idapimp? Rimshot.mp3
"
197461,"What's the difference between a good joke and A bad joke timing
"
191013,"What grocery store does Charlie Sheen frequently visit? Rite Aid
"
141574,"""""There are plenty more fish in the sea.""""  Terrible way to console a recently-dumped environmentalist who knows overfishing means otherwise.
"
193579,"I recently went to the funeral of an asshole who bullied me for most of my life..... I wanted to literally see a dick in a box.
"
169969,"It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it
"
162085,"Why are Australians never late for work? Their snooze button only lasts 6 minutes.
"
46438,"[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies] """"Oh peas no!"""" [WHAP] """"Why u bean like this?"""" [SMACK] """"Don't u carrot all?"""" [CRACK]
"
99004,"Did you know sex is hereditary? If your parents didn't have it, you probably won't either.
"
36511,"Don't believe that bullshit. Failure is ALWAYS an option.
"
72182,"What happened to the two ants who got into a fight on a toilet seat? They got pissed off.
"
124117,"Wife: """"You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I'm leaving you."""" Me: """"I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!""""
"
202,"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? ..........Nothing you've already told her twice!
"
72155,"A priest and a rabi are walking down the street... And they see a little boy. The priest says,""""Hey, we should go screw that little boy."""" And the rabi says,""""Oh yeah? Out of what.""""
"
8094,"A skeleton walks into a bar... He says to the bartender, """"give me a beer and a mop.""""
"
65876,"Funniest joke ever Your dick is big
"
56695,"what will a small left boob will say to the big right boob we are not isomorphic :P
"
85863,"We are probably the first generation that will have our user names on the headstone
"
224430,"So there's a child and a gorilla... ...well, there ***was*** a gorilla.
"
227582,"Why did the Greenlander get so angry when he didn't win the lottery? Because he was inuit to win it
"
128283,"#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don't have money to pay them.
"
167206,"(new york guy murmuring """"eyy im walkin here"""" over and over in his sleep) aww hes having a dream where hes running
"
47239,"Why do jews have such big noses. Because air is free.
"
159921,"I was in the supermarket when I got a message on my phone telling me there were 24 singles in my area Think I'm going to delete the Kraft Cheese app.
"
182940,"How do you kill a hipster? Drown him in the mainstream.
"
120715,"Old game show bloopers...I miss this kind of humor today Found this video randomly http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xv3gK2bmkAk&amp;feature=related
"
229538,"Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out? *unfollows *blocks *stews *hires assassin on Craigslist *unblocks to monitor situation
"
103157,"If the wife uses dual sim phone, save both numbers under one name : """"Wife""""  Never save them as """"Wife1"""" and """"Wife2"""" ~ A husband from hospital
"
188524,"I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.
"
93755,"What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
"
60082,"I stay away from granny Smith. She's just too tart for me.
"
70579,"If life gives you melons... ...you may be dyslexic.
"
46512,"Best part about staying up late = total absence of morning people.
"
168477,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotapus
"
171320,"Where does Obama live? The """"Baracks""""
"
150207,"What does it mean if the Holy Water sizzles when it hits your skin (asking for a friend)
"
61025,"News reports 5hr Energy may be linked to death. Don't know if it's an advertising gimmick or not but I bought a bunch to gift, just in case.
"
71315,"You may refer to him as Cap'n Crunch to others, but you must still salute him in person.
"
113938,"started my own brewery kindof just pour root beer into square bottles.
"
10522,"What do funeral home staff do if they mess up transporting a body? They go back and re-herse.
"
193945,"Is """"drunk"""" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now....
"
157393,"Can't wait til Feb. 15th...otherwise known as 1/2 price chocolate day.
"
212005,"What's the difference between a nurse and a nun? A nun only serves one God.
"
56951,"Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
"
115163,"What's the Difference between a Girl and a Woman? Prison
"
19546,"What did the burglar say to the  watchmaker as he tied him up? Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.
"
82231,"Nobody told jokes in the USSR... Because in Soviet Russia, jokes tell you.
"
181974,"If your girl says """"Hey guess what!"""" you better already have your super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
"
178701,"What happened to the girl who put too many deviating data into her box plot? In the end her spread was so large she had to present it without any whiskers.
"
45116,"Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share? They like rock.
"
98091,"What do little miss muffet and ISIS have in common? They both have curds in their whey.
"
145329,"Difference between a cow and Russia They both contain Putin...
"
166630,"Why do mexicans keep getting stuck in the doorway? Because they have to pass through in doors.
"
205041,"I knew someone had added dirt to my garden. And so, the plot thickens
"
153113,"I broke my finger last week On the other hand, i'm ok
"
189512,"This is a bit cruel, but one of my favorites: What part of the vegetable is the hardest to eat? The Wheelchair.
"
218395,"What did one ghost say to the other ghost? """"Do you believe in life before death?""""
"
198719,"[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
"
226262,"Give a man a plane ticket... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life. First post sorry if its a repost
"
161890,"I wonder if my son's packed lunch tastes like the flavorless chore that it is.
"
31274,"Whats Black and Rhymes With Snoop Dr Dre
"
62297,"Kid just asked """"why is it called 'flipping the bird'? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle."""" I can't even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
"
115672,"A wife gets naked... And runs to her husband in bed and yells """"SUPER PUSSY!"""" The husband look at her and says """"I'll have the soup""""
"
7125,"What do bees chew? Bumble gum.
"
97008,"Pakistan makes nuclear threat in response to fake news The struggle Israel
"
65502,"if ur fighting with your bae but sleepy, write what you're mad about on a piece of paper so u can continue in the morning
"
221758,"A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's dick.
"
183771,"You don't need to threaten me into submission. Just hold some cheesecake under my nose.
"
23233,"What did the father Buffalo say to his son as he left for school? Bison
"
93390,"What was the baseball score when ethiopia played africa.....ate nothing
"
184895,"So I tried using one of those date rape drugs the other night... It turns out its really hard to rape a girl when you're drooling on the floor the room is spinning.
"
182250,"I only make mistakes when I'm around people who are observant.
"
153466,"Why did the alligator wear a vest? He was an investigator!
"
125940,"What do Michael Jackson and someone that come in second place have in common? They both cum in a little behind!
"
69445,"What do you call the group of people with funny outfits that talk about peace and love and stuff Trekkies :)
"
191276,"Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
"
85852,"""""Hey girl, are sitting on the F5 key?"""" """"Because dat ass is refreshing.""""
"
217869,"There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note """"Don't eat me"""".Now there's an empty plate and a note """"Don't tell me what to do""""
"
144024,"With Vladimir Putin so eager to restore ties, I think the U.S and Russia should form one country. We can call it The United States of Soviet Russia! USSR for short.
"
42843,"*walks into the hottest restaurant w/out a reservation* We're fully booked """"Ahem, I'm Yelp reviewer TURDBONER69"""" Sorry sir right this way
"
140578,"If a car is stuck in a tree with its headlights on, how many pancakes does it take to get to the moon? Zero! Snakes don't have armpits!
"
87842,"My housemate threw milk on me... how dairy.
"
118473,"Hi, I'm from Brazil and I can't go to the backyard, I'm afraid my german shepherd will laugh instead of bark at me...
"
200431,"Where do generals keep their armies? in their sleevies
"
2470,"I've got the eye of the tiger, heart of a lion, and... a lifetime ban from the zoo.
"
9026,"[marriage counselling] Her: he always thinks he's talking to me on CB radio Me: I don't, over Her: It's over Me: It's what? Over
"
55650,"iPhone changed miles to milf's but the good news is my dad thinks I only have 177 left to go until I'm done.
"
176540,"What's your dog's name? Icebreaker.
"
200131,"Jokes on jokes Why did the cabbage whistle? Because it saw the salad dressing
"
76115,"Why did Satan need life alert? Because he had fallen, and could not get back up.
"
120231,"Q. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?  A. Through his chest with a sharp knife.
"
92909,"anyone wanna hear a pizza joke? Nahhh, its too CHEESY.
"
62833,"You guys ever seen a cockatoo? Yeah? I bet you have.
"
227600,"Freaky Friday 2: The mom and daughter switch bodies again The mom doesn't go back She keeps stealing children's bodies She lives forever
"
142963,"A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are all in the 9th Grade. Which one is the sexiest? The blonde, because she's the only one who's 18.
"
194297,"How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
"
160379,"What did the carpet say to the floor? Don't move -- I've got you covered.
"
213350,"Why couldn't the homosexual Irishman with an oral fixation order at the restaurant? He only spoke gaelic
"
41594,"What do you call a boat whose captain has no idea what he's doing and works for free? The Internship
"
162280,"Me: SPIDER! Brain: Nope, fluff. Me: SPIDER! Brain: That is a fly. Me: SPIDER!!! Brain: sigh. That's your hand idiot.
"
14262,"Alsation: How come you are always so well behaved when you go on a walk with your master? Chihuahua: It's the leash I can do!
"
96468,"I'd tell you a joke about UDP.... But, I wouldn't know if you'd get it.
"
203343,"I call bullshit on these retro bottles of Coca-Cola. They make you add your own cocaine.
"
109406,"""""I saw a really nice chair yesterday."""" - if your grandma tweeted
"
49755,"How do you know which potato is a prostitute? It's the one that says, """"Idaho.""""
"
189651,"My friend was talking about how he sleeps when its dark around. So I'd advised him not to join the basketball team.
"
171543,"I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
"
187242,"There's a secret evolution of Eevee I found today. If you pay your Eevee every day for at least a month, it evolves into Patreon.
"
46056,"Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn't stop)
"
124261,"What is the point of owning a fish? They are just furniture with the ability to die.
"
88802,"Plug your headphones into a banana. Everyone will leave you alone twice as much.
"
169550,"Hit snooze until the panic sets in.
"
157911,"Why was Kanye's Christmas gift to Kim spoiled? Because he's a bad wrapper
"
221349,"Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.
"
181132,"How do you milk a sheep? Bring out a new iPhone.
"
202566,"Megan with an h? Whatever Hmegan....
"
157977,"ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone? DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion ME: Folks from space-time? DW: God no 21st century UK
"
154534,"ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer
"
183823,"Confucius say... Confucius say man with beard face rough time!
"
105258,"only when we don't have to pay extra for guacamole will we truly be free
"
45806,"If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time... ...are they guilty of resisting a rest?
"
44620,"I failed my biology test today. There was a question that asked, """"What is commonly found in cells?"""" I guess my teacher didn't think """"black people"""" was a good answer.
"
158964,"What do you a zombie eating ice cream? Braaaaaaiiiiiiin freeze
"
766,"Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes...but it's right.
"
218650,"Just been fined 500 for having a joint in my greenhouse. I guess people in glass houses shouldn't get stoned.
"
10461,"If I was a transformer,  I would turn into Megan Fox's vibrator
"
204016,"""""I'm constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance."""" I just said that.
"
176625,"Did you hear about the Oklahoma  idiot who married an American Indian? They had a baby and wanted to name  it to reflect both races. So they called it Running Dummy.
"
195582,"First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door... My plumber sure has a strange sense of humor...
"
66062,"Whoever invented the knock knock jokes should get the Nobel prize. The No bell prize
"
33814,"What do you call a fire on the beach? Bernie Sanders
"
47237,"Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving this year? A: They've been having turkey for years.
"
125325,"Viagra shipment stolen... Hardened criminals on the loose.
"
71614,"Man hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass Doctors describe his condition as stable
"
42931,"My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.
"
88728,"I heard today that Stevie Wonder was getting a divorce, so sad he didn't even see it coming.
"
112943,"How's it like living in a totalitarian regime? Can't complain.
"
37266,"Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.
"
9973,"I think your first love holds the biggest piece of your heart because they made the first cut.
"
104151,"I went to the zoo the other day There was only a single animal, it was a dog. It was a shih tzu...
"
170880,"We need a channel that plays kitten videos. All kittens, all the time. When shit gets intense, turn on the kittens. #kittenchannel
"
98548,"What do you call a lesbian driving a Ford Windstar full of penises? A dick-van dyke. -Credit to Louis CK
"
95694,"4 bullfighters in quicksand What do you call 4 bullfighters in quicksand? Quattro cinco
"
158360,"A doctor amputated a hand on a patient and the doctor said to the patient """"on the other hand... you aren't disabled""""
"
24005,"Why couldn't the fun guy go in the elevator? There wasn't mush-room.
"
186718,"WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the lady who's baby I stole.
"
168220,"My friend is not a member of an organized political party He's a Democrat.
"
104195,"What did the angry dough ball say to the other dough ball? You trying to get a rise out of me! Came up with while I was making pizza.
"
560,"A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks He charges the first boy and lets the other off.
"
76288,"What's the most important part of a vegetable's golf stats? The handicap.
"
201797,"[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy] """"Let's see who this ghost really is!"""" No! Wait, I'm not- [rip off face] *gasps* """"OLD MAN SKELETON?""""
"
137074,"What's long, hard and a bit shitty at the end? This joke.
"
171795,"1 and 2 dogs name you'r dogs 1 and 2.You eat One. You still have two.
"
42071,"what do you do if you see your ex , running around in your front yard covered in blood and screaming for help ? stay calm . reload . and try again.
"
10402,"What do you call a woman in Thailand? A three-legged lady
"
13207,"Knock Knock -Who's there? -Interrupting cow with an identity crisis. -Interrupting cow w- -WOOF! WOOF!
"
23207,"Pro Tip: you can't just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
"
197551,"People who try to stop you on the street to sell stuff are the real world equivalent of online pop-ups.
"
158748,"I think I've found the worst pornstar name to have at the moment. ISIS LOVE
"
175222,"There is a Mexican, a black person, a muslim, and a gipsy in a car. Who drives it? The officer.
"
162037,"I like my coffee like I like my women... Ground up and in the freezer.
"
44219,"After spending over 3 decades in the hard candy business, I've had enough... I've finally realized it's for suckers.
"
147387,"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff...  Ba-dum-tiss 
"
127932,"I wonder if they got jokes in Russia about """"capitalistic America""""... In capitalistic America, bank robs you!
"
169137,"Thanks for telling me what BOGO means... It means a great deal to me.
"
62624,"The Detroit Lions That's it; that's the joke.
"
187915,"Did you hear the one about the girl that went deep sea fishing with four guys? She came back with a red snapper.
"
227047,"They are serving """"Trump Soup"""" at the inauguration banquet Stewed Orange and Chickpea
"
55692,"[sees kid crying in grocery store] hey little guy [kneels down to his level] Can you please move you're blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
"
135372,"A Proton goes into a bar and orders a drink,when he asks how much the drink will cost the Bartender says """"That will be $3.50.""""
"
58749,"I am against animal testing because there is nothing crueler than forcing a living creature to smell like Axe Body Spray.
"
205627,"I treat my body like a temple. By that I mean that a bunch of Jewish guys enter me every Friday night.
"
150276,"You know that chick who said, """"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?""""... Yeah, well I ate her.
"
55879,"My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
"
206773,"""""BEST WEEKEND EVER!"""" ~ The same stupid bitch on Facebook, at least twice a month...
"
93443,"Fast and the Furious just announced a new movie called Faster And Furiouser 3.1: You Get the Drift
"
128646,"Turkeys Recalled. Did you see the news story about the turkey recall? Check your freezers, because Butterball is recalling all of their turkeys because they forgot to butter the balls.
"
164720,"How much hummus did the anorexic girl order? A tahini bit.
"
58860,"There are 4 states of Matter Solid, Liquid, Gas, and Black Lives
"
14926,"I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes, and I thought to myself, Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized : I just watched my dog chase his tail for ten minutes.
"
167205,"Getting a retweet from someone with 0 followers is like being a beneficiary in a homeless person's will.
"
204022,"Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
162970,"WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER ME to spider: I told you, you'll get your money. Leave my family out of this SPIDER: you've got 2days
"
27154,"Acid... The taste you can see!
"
29331,"I can't stand sitting down
"
23685,"Willie saw some dynamite, Couldn't understand it quite; Curiosity never pays: It rained Willie seven days.
"
44288,"Did you hear about the discounts at Darth Maul? I heard they're going to cut the sales by half
"
15551,"""""SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?"""" -- """"SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!"""" -- """"SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?"""" -- Wife: """"She's either deaf, or had sex with you too.""""
"
191396,"what did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his ass
"
73603,"On the occasion of Women's Day...my wife decided to take a rest ...so I am the boss for today.....
"
217250,"I need to stop seeing caution tape as some kind of finish line.
"
116442,"[going thru airport security] """"Please turn your laptop on"""" *I start to stroke it's audio input* """"That's not what I-' Me: No no it likes this
"
194762,"""""I'm great in bed"""" ~ breakfast
"
8663,"What do you call a cheap circumcision? a rip off
"
160968,"RIP 2012 (2012-2012)
"
149540,"""""Hi. I'm an insane maniac."""" - People who write more than three sentences to describe an Instagram photo
"
145570,"Dad please dont mess my hair up and say love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now
"
71952,"Q: How many Development Executives does  it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Well first let's talk about the concept behind this whole """"light bulb"""" thing.
"
41294,"Dear Slut, Sorry, but your vagina does not have a Clear History Button like fire fox.
"
224901,"The first person to ride a horse was probably pretty fucking drunk.
"
111834,"OC Dr. Who joke what do Dr. Who's enemies do when they get dirty? Dalek themselves clean
"
143354,"An apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's the best plan healthcare.gov could offer me.
"
125592,"What did Geoffrey Dahmer say..... What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit? Are you going to eat that?
"
47225,"*writes on wall in ketchup* THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED Boss: What the hell are you doing? Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
"
108519,"Austim is a lie fabricated by the illuminati and used to promote John Cena
"
194185,"What superheroes refuse to fight in North Carolina? The X-Men
"
1404,"I can't believe that those two are still together after all that shit...
"
112989,"You don't love Dunkin' Donuts coffee, you love heavy cream.
"
52273,"If you can't handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don't deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don't know.
"
20975,"Two ninjas were having an argument Two ninjas were arguing over which one was the better ninja. The first says, """"Man, you can't even throw a ninja star."""" The second ninja says, """"Shuriken.""""
"
193118,"New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.
"
121133,"I like my coffee like i like my women cold and bitter
"
62177,"Coming this Christmas, an ageing misogynist and his quest to correct all women in his path. Hugh Grant stars in """"Actually, Love"""".
"
212524,"Showers: never want to get in, then never wanting to get out.
"
140220,"I shaved all the hair of my girlfriend's cat. Hopefully she takes the hint.
"
15145,"There are two types of people in the world. 1. Those that can finish lists.
"
231243,"""""What you just said reminds me of something completely different I want to talk about."""" - Everyone
"
170260,"Why is Dave Mustaine described as """"heavy metal""""? Because he sings lead. (Better read than said.)
"
71400,"What do you call a cheap boob job? A discount rack.
"
151596,"What's Al Gore's dancer name? Algorithm.
"
28558,"What do you call an angry pirate? A Pirate (A mix between Pirate and Irate)
"
28845,"Names of Groups A group of crows is called a 'Murder' of crows. A group of cats is called a 'Glaring' of cats. What do you call a group of Lexus cars? A fortune!
"
109056,"People usually say I make bad jokes. I tell them I'm not their parents.
"
37894,"Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
"
123950,"Watch your wedding video backwards. You'll love the part when you take your ring off, walk away from the altar, & leave with your friends.
"
207004,"I want to get a job cleaning mirrors It's just something I could see myself doing
"
76576,"What's the problem with a Jewish football team? you're gonna need a new squad as soon as soon as they hit the showers
"
173747,"""""Dumb as a bag of hammers"""" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
"
17570,"Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan really.
"
138040,"Where did the fish go when it needed an operation? To the sturgeon
"
119719,"Why did a gambler scare everyone out  swimming? He was a card shark!
"
12964,"Will I be able to drink with these? - First question when prescribed meds
"
172493,"How do you say Vaseline in German? Vienerslidein
"
40981,"Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.
"
149781,"Why do we need art? Because the Earth without art is just """"Eh"""".
"
93058,"Why did lieutenant Uhura smell bad? ...because William Shatner
"
83047,"She said no! *sobs tears of joy* -me after proposing
"
166306,"I'm on the snake diet. It's the one where you lie on the floor all day, eat 25% of your body weight, and hiss at anyone who comes near you.
"
126883,"You should never criticize a Muslim... until you've walked a mile in their suicide vest.
"
154441,"My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!
"
121852,"What is the difference between a Chickpea and a Lentil? I've never had a Lentil on my chest.
"
101935,"[First date] okay just dont let her know you're a trump supporter Her: so what kinda wine should I get Me: haha white is always the best
"
51906,"I think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate.
"
27605,"I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
"
82591,"WTF is a palindrome? No it isn't.
"
190319,"Hey, man. You used no capital letters and only one exclamation point to wish me happy birthday on Facebook. Is everything okay at home?
"
3180,"2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said """"nice lumberjack costume.""""
"
215492,"If you're a chick who says """"chivalry is dead"""" I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you're ugly.
"
170662,"How do you know if someone is a vegan? They'll fucking tell you...
"
7815,"What do you call a dragon that can't sit still? A wiggle wyrm.
"
167625,"Why should you never trust an atom? They make everything up!
"
207321,"Sports are a lot like porn... Great ball handling skills can make a lot of money.
"
25729,"What's the difference between a porcupine and a Lamborghini? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine
"
190360,"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who know binary, those who don't, and those who didn't expect this to be in base 3.
"
156700,"What's the difference between a elephant and a banana?
"
78659,"Good Ol' Fashion My favorite thing about a good ol' fashion DVD porno is the gag reel.
"
185565,"What bit of fish doesn't make sense ? The piece of cod that passeth all understanding !
"
115171,"Pigs Standing next to pig processing plant when I heard all the machines firing up and smoke started bellowing from the stacks. Only thought is, man that place is going full boar
"
154991,"What Has 75 Balls and Screws Old Ladies? Bingo.
"
196936,"Are you an atheist, but uncomfortable with the atheist movement? Join the atheist stillness
"
60362,"I'm anti-semantic but I don't know how to say it.
"
41037,"I found out someone's been impersonating me... Well two can play at that game.
"
150178,"Why did they bury the fireman beneath the hill? because he was DEAD
"
169553,"If there are two things Trump voters hate... The first is being called, """"racist."""" And the second is black people.
"
172964,"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
"
122533,"Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed? He didnt use the main stream
"
210833,"Knock, knock, it's the police open the door. -Can you wait, I'm taking a shit! -We know, the telephone booth is see through
"
178172,"Today a fortune cookie told me that every exit is an entrance Long story short, my girlfriend said no.
"
175114,"She was a no-nonsense, high powered executive who played hard but never had time for love. He was a dog who thought he was people.
"
171504,"Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
"
35479,"What do you call an Israeli rooster? A koke.
"
28328,"To smell good while aboard the ISS, astronauts wear ... Old Space.
"
170500,"The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you're so hungry...
"
185580,"Have you heard about the pig who took up disco dancing? He liked to swing his weight around.
"
60136,"Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely? A: Because if something happens to her Bill becomes President!
"
109438,"Does the KKK still exist? Yeah, they just changed their name to the LAPD...
"
169788,"Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
"
104176,"""""How did you go in the exam on Nazi invasions?"""" """"I blitzed it.""""
"
146863,"Trick people into thinking you're a doctor by turning off taps with your elbows
"
92775,"[bedroom] Her: omg don't stop Me: what was that? Her: *sighs* Simon says don't stop
"
147134,"Yet another Chuck Norris joke. Chuck Norris caught all the Pokemon using a payphone.
"
169697,"Why did the Bloody Mary need a restraining order? Celery Stalks.
"
208645,"What did the footballer say when he accidentally  burped during a game? Sorry it was a freak hic!
"
177889,"What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
"
202182,"My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
"
154784,"""""Are you coming over?"""" """"Yes, I'm coming over."""" """"We should probably stop talking using the radios, over.""""
"
143737,"What did the fish say before he hit the wall? Oh, Dam.
"
59498,"Everything always ends well. If not  it's probably not the end.
"
135664,"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle.
"
183446,"What boxer's nickname is EEEEE? Mohammad Ali All-E
"
168293,"People always say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry. But I haven't eaten for a week and I'm getting really, really hungry.
"
95956,"What's the difference between a guy with carry on luggage and a photon? The guy overpacked, and the photon is traveling light.
"
59362,"People of Twitter: If you worry that you aren't creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
"
99766,"Only when a mosquito lands on your balls do you realize That violence is not always the option
"
190383,"A funnier shorter vampire joke What did the vampire say to the woman teacher? Bla...bla..see you next period.
"
144852,"What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor? He was Robin.
"
97189,"The Detective Who was the first electricity detective? Sherlock Ohms
"
160077,"I like my coffee like I like my women... Fresh and white.
"
184876,"What do you do when you see an enemy with half a face? Reload and shoot again!
"
204625,"Survey says According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same-sex partners. Said men, """"What channel is CDC?""""
"
27415,"What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick up your ass...
"
115270,"Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.
"
154998,"A Short Joke jk
"
30552,"Never in the history of unlimited data plans has someone gone through their significant others phone and gotten happier
"
15795,"What game do tornadoes like to play?  -Twister
"
51115,"Get hoarders addicted to crack, they will sell all their s*it..Problem solved.
"
107248,"Before you pride yourself on being a big fish, make sure you're not swimming in a puddle.
"
205680,"There's no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you're blowing up a rubber glove.
"
102851,"Who build King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
"
177146,"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Choked.
"
78926,"Did you hear about the agnostic insomniac with tourettes? He was up all last night wondering if there is a cunt.
"
189668,"[at bank] *slides teller a note* Teller: Me: T: M: [winks] T: Seriously!? M: uh huh T: M: T: *slides me a lollipop*
"
98406,"Why did Marx pay for dinner on the first date? Because his utopia might be classless, but he's not
"
65563,"Why can't Americans play chess ? Because they are missing two towers.
"
122525,"Did you hear about the gay midget? He was just a little queer.
"
63415,"A man wanks into a bar... ...and the bartender says """"We don't serve your typo here""""
"
104045,"Two fish are in a tank one fish looks at the other fish and says... How the fuck do we drive this thing dude?
"
174090,"Think I will wear my SUPER BITCH cape today
"
75630,"What Counting system does Valve use? Trinary
"
103215,"Honey can you buy me a new phone? What about the other one? He's buying me a tablet.
"
60784,"I want to give my ex a great Valentines present to show him how much I still care. I think I'll go all out and buy him a Toyota.
"
174899,"If the FBI needs to get into someones's iPhone without permission.. They should just call U2 and ask how they did it
"
39829,"My dad's addicted to christmas dinner But he's been cold turkey every meal since.
"
179523,"I got kicked out of my Community Theatre group when the female director asked to see me limp. How was I to know she was talking about walking?
"
213934,"I wanted to hire a marsupial butler... but none of the applicants were koala-fied.
"
105313,"A joke about construction... It's still needs work.
"
106933,"So 2 trains crashed in Germany today... Lets just hope the train wasn't going to Auschwitz or more then Germans would have gotten injured.
"
113363,"Why do blacks make good athletes? They spent the first nine months of their lives dodging hangers.
"
193290,"Two fish are in a tank... the first fish says to the second... """"You man the guns, i'll drive!""""
"
153714,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cricket ! Cricket who ? Cricket neck means I can't lift anything !
"
131840,"Why was 9/11 the worst day in American history? Because on the 9th November Donald Trump was elected president
"
135578,"Why did the nuke switch course? Because a girl on the ground said """"I have a boyfriend"""" later that day the nuke fell into depression
"
5595,"Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.
"
203780,"Religion is like stuffing dollar after dollar into a broken Coke machine and having faith that some day it will work for you.
"
78398,"Why did my semen cross the road? The condom broke
"
599,"They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.
"
204518,"what do elephants use as a tampons? Sheep.
"
199225,"Doctor Doctor I'm becoming  invisible. Yes I can see you're not all there!
"
35388,"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Potato.
"
44045,"Did you hear the joke about the pizza? Nevermind, it's cheesy.
"
10942,"I bought some shoes from my dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
"
11175,"Why did Ahmed take his clock to school? He wanted to see time fly
"
95627,"I'm no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
"
216928,"a lion stalks a fawn a man steps out from behind tree I'm Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
"
227662,"What do you call someone who would do *anything* for a chocolate snack cake? A ho ho ho. (merry xmas!)
"
167027,"If you stare at a 6 year old when they're eating a banana split, they hold it real close and eat faster.
"
202953,"Why did Captain Kirk go into the ladies  toilet ? To boldly go where no man has been before !
"
171138,"How many Latvians does it take to screw a lightbulb? Is dark. Bulb is potato.
"
47489,"Tiger, Lance, and now Oscar Maybe Nike should tell their athletes """"Just Don't Do It!""""
"
17555,"I went to a feminist convention. Everything was good, except for one thing. Nobody made sandwiches.
"
223409,"What do you call a wet bear? A drizzly bear.
"
72650,"""""Daddy, may I trouble you to clean a shocking amount of poo off my genitalia?"""" - if babies could talk
"
4268,"how many calories are in a horse
"
47901,"A very very short joke Bend over Genie, a wish is a wish!
"
162553,"Knock Knock Knock, knock. Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up, it's cold out here!
"
83812,"My Facebook """"News Feed"""" should be renamed """"A bunch of boring fucking idiots who have horrible grammar"""" feed.
"
110018,"Did you hear about the kid who brought a home made watch to school? He had a real bad time...
"
38501,"I have an EpiPen I'll use it as a weapon to fend off the repost haters.
"
23122,"They say """"once you go black, you never go back,"""" but.. If it's Hispanic, you know it's *gigantic!*
"
108897,"India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday... That's a heck of a place to put a call center.
"
124863,"So a dyslexic man walks into a bra
"
106324,"What did the Psychiatrist say to the naked man wrapped in surran wrap? Well I can clearly see your nuts
"
173772,"If you are having trouble getting your posts banned from r/science """"Deal with it""""
"
13694,"whats the worst thing about being a black jew? you have to sit in the back of the oven...
"
119956,"Did you hear about the guy hit with the 2 x 4? He was board to death.
"
207493,"ExLax is really shitty chocolate.
"
198087,"Did you hear about the hooker who had an appendectomy? Now she makes money on the side.
"
59198,"I turn to my brother and ask Hey bro, what's the most you've jerked off in one day? """"About 3 dudes"""".
"
187694,"How is the porn industry different from every other career? It's the only job where you have to stay late if you come early.
"
69980,"I decided to put laxatives in my weed brownies... Just for shits and giggles!
"
229501,"If im walking around with my arms crossed, there's a 90% chance im not mad...Im just probably not wearing a bra
"
49931,"If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence. In the country it's called sibling rivalry.
"
169501,"I've never pretended to be something I'm not... Except sober. I've pretended to be sober before.
"
210109,"I just burnt 1200 calories... I forgot the pizza in the oven. : /
"
166937,"I think i am allergic to leather. Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.
"
72920,"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.
"
183243,"The female stink badger has 12 potent smelling nipples.. dozen tit make scents
"
125159,"Why doesn't Santa Clause have any kids? He only comes once a year
"
120096,"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of  the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"
206974,"Wait a minute... Computer! Freeze this porn video! Now, zoom in 900%. Enhance... Enhance... Rotate 360 ... There! NO WEDDING RINGS!
"
141396,"husband rock &amp; wife shock wife: I saw in my dream that you were buying a diamond ring for me. Husband: i saw you dad paying the bill........
"
96898,"My wife is acting like giving me the silent treatment for four days is a bad thing.
"
14844,"What did one snowman say to the other? I think I smell carrots!
"
134578,"What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out? A Peter Parka
"
190693,"Who has a long nose wears a mask and sits tall in the saddle? The Lone Aardvark!
"
95076,"If I were a waitress, I'd be planting fake engagement rings in every girl's food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
"
61464,"Wish the trash would take me out for once.
"
108819,"What kind of music does a mummy like? (W)rap music!
"
68450,"My friend said to me, what rhymes with orange I said no, it certainly does not
"
195033,"How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? Put a plunger in the toilet
"
205979,"There's two fish in a tank !!!
"
96143,"fog machine I was pissed off yesterday. So pissed off I threw my fog machine out the window. Something must have went wrong, because it misted.
"
89293,"All I got for my last birthday was a pack of sticky playing cards. I found it really hard to deal with.
"
190088,"Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD! Mr. Potato Head: What? Mrs. PH: Your browser history. Mr. PH: I can explain! Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
"
140609,"Old one but...A Priest, A rapist and a Pedophile walk into a bar... He orders a beer!
"
1933,"What do women and hurricanes have in common? When they come, they're wet and wild. When they leave, they take your house and your car
"
157942,"The difference between dates and prunes? You don't get laid after prunes (Courtesy of my date last night after I asked her this question seriously)
"
74074,"What do you say when your mom walks in on you fapping? C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!
"
172374,"""""We just want to find someone who will-"""" *sly grin* -Finish our sentences? """"Exactly."""" -death row inmates
"
123273,"What did the proctologist say when his nurse handed him a beer? """"I meant a butt light.""""
"
129279,"What's the difference between a Zippo and a Bic lighter? Zippos are heavy. A Bic is just a little lighter.
"
185259,"I recently found out that they are reviving Full House. The show is called Fuller House, but Bob according to Bob Sagat, its called Filler House.
"
222707,"What's the difference between a fish and an elephant? (OC) You really can't tell the difference between a fish and an elephant?
"
16192,"If ignorance is bliss then explain Facebook.
"
17495,"I love my FedEx guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it  and he's always on time.
"
146199,"How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"
36037,"I'm wearing this hipster's carcass ironically.
"
22830,"You can't spell Chipotle without E. Coli
"
25453,"What do you call a White Crocodile? A Crocasian
"
222965,"How many seconds are in a year? Only 12. One for every month.
"
225588,"Why did the libertarian cross the road? None of your goddamn business. Am I being detained?
"
7803,"my favorite punchline... """"No, nurse! I said 'slip off his spectacles'!""""
"
12828,"What happened when the USS Enterprise got a new toilet? William Shatner
"
32116,"What do cows that are stoners say? 420 graze it
"
177104,"What's the most flexible type of music group? An elastic band.
"
685,"What is Jeb Bush's campaign slogan? Third time's the charm
"
84563,"What did the peadophile say when he was released from prison? I feel like a kid again
"
26284,"There are 10 types of people in the world Those who get binary and those who don't.
"
87633,"I'll never forget my grandfathers last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, """"Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?""""
"
187731,"A Jewish redditor decides to post a foreskin joke. [removed]
"
104284,"A member of the undead said I was prejudiced against his kind... It's simply not true. I have lots of wight friends.
"
197610,"How many men does it take to open a beer? None... It should be opened when she brings it to you.
"
77106,"My door bell rang this morning. I didn't even know it had a phone.
"
187649,"Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher? Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can't, there's been an accident.
"
75818,"Two sperms are talking with each other... """"Hey man, how long till we get the ovaries?"""" """"Long way still, we just passed the throat.""""
"
184884,"Hi Operator, Can you connect me to Steph Curry? Operator: Just dial 739 Guy: I did but there's no Ring
"
77497,"Why does Britain love tea so much? Because tea leaves.
"
81801,"What do you call the kids claiming """"We don't need no education""""? Comfortably Dumb
"
210004,"How often do I tell chemistry jokes. Periodically
"
28960,"I'm not the kind of guy to distance myself from anything... Far from it.
"
59188,"You ever notice when your phone decides to call someone its someone you don't want to talk to.!
"
116161,"How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
"
210450,"""""It's not the principle, it's the money."""" Spike Milligan RIP
"
152270,"A Dad's Advice A dad is giving his son some advice one day. The dad says, """"Son, don't masturbate too much or you'll go blind."""" The son replies, """"Dad, I'm over here.""""
"
19437,"A man walks in to a bar His alcoholism is destroying his family.
"
32972,"Massive fall on Wall St today... Nope, wait, just Hillary fainting.
"
211076,"Terrible one-liner I came up with while on autopilot at work. I'm not saying I'm a sex guru, but I know most of the ins and outs
"
78887,"Tonight I'm having a party for people who struggle to reach an orgasm just lemme know if you can't come
"
66205,"Nothing bums me out more than realizing how many celebrity baby names I know.
"
108622,"Where do emos get their gaming gear? Razer.
"
52102,"People can't drive. Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights. What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
"
109735,"What's funnier than a crying baby? A dead baby.
"
71843,"We're all part of the WTF generation: Wikipedia, Twitter and Facebook.
"
108582,"So sad when gay kids get beat up for their brunch money.
"
150944,"Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
"
125106,"What's Hitler's favorite drink? Genocider
"
94828,"*wakes up in hospital* What happened? """"It was a heart attack"""" Will I be ok? *a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat* """"No""""
"
12554,"Rude lady to me, """"Well I'm sorry but you don't LOOK sick to me."""" Me, """"Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don't look stupid.""""
"
40767,"Arsenal did the mannequin challenge for 89minutes at Old Trafford and still drew.
"
30779,"My wife was pissed when I slept through a burglary last night We got caught, and I woke up during mug shots.
"
10784,"What's a four letter word for """"a butt load of fun""""? Anal
"
75178,"My Doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. Apparently it was making it difficult to complete the exam.
"
93591,"I hope my memory foam mattress doesn't remember the man in my bed last night and tell my boyfriend.
"
127257,"I could never cheat in a relationship... Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
"
18001,"If these walls could talk, I bet it would sound like someone was trapped in the wall and we'd all freak out pretty bad.
"
77000,"UFO conspirators believe theres been an invasion... ... They have reported an incredibly high amount of aliens at California DMV's.
"
94117,"Went to Whole Foods today, because we needed $157 worth of pesto and breads that will be stale in an hour.
"
150042,"Do you need a bag? I had just bought a box of condoms when the cashier asked, """"Do you need a bag?"""" I replied, """"No, she's not that ugly.""""
"
138961,"What do you call a Mexican with small muscles? No whey Jose.
"
46325,"Why couldn't the troll catch any fish? Because other people took the bait.
"
105472,"Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich? That's what its like to fuck a 90 year old
"
73849,"What's worse than stubbing your toe? The Holocaust
"
220422,"What did one lesbian vampire say to the other? """"See you next month.""""
"
129858,"some say yer mom reminds em' of a tornado sounds like hell when she comes, took my house when she left
"
10911,"People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids.
"
13284,"A sandwich walks into a bar... The bartender says """"Sorry, we don't serve food in here.""""
"
6475,"If you're American when you enter the bathroom, and American when you exit the bathroom, what are you while you're IN the bathroom? European.
"
154982,"Two Zulu's met in my shop today.. They just clicked.
"
56271,"A man stands over the coffin of his deceased wife. """"Her star sign was cancer you know"""" he says. """" I guess it's ironic..."""" """"That she was killed by a giant crab.""""
"
27989,"Why do penguins never go to England? Because they're afraid of Wales!
"
26127,"It's like my pet hippo doesn't even realise it's my pet. DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
"
41699,"Some people think the Arctic and the Antarctic are the same... ...but in reality, they are polar opposites.
"
145965,"When you're feeling bored and unsatisfied with life, just remember... That there are some people who think Golf is interesting.
"
119991,"If at first you don't succeed tell yourself a litany of excuses then numb yourself with Oreo blizzards.
"
159997,"If I had a dollar for every person alive I wanted to kill... I might have let a few of them live.
"
174853,"BLONDES BLOW IT Q: What's it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer.
"
220595,"Have you heard about the airplane industry? Its really taking off and reaching new heights.
"
116997,"Speaking of one-liners,
"
194915,"You're so fake, Barbie is jealous.
"
12278,"What do you tell someone who constantly uses the word """"of"""" instead of """"have""""? Fuck of
"
15553,"What does a buff zombie want? Gaaaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnnnssssss.
"
210798,"I know one more duck joke! Santa Clause to the snow man: give me the carrot or I am going to blow dry you! (Ok, this one doesn't work in english)
"
202950,"Why do men like Haunted Bees? boobees ! :D I'll show myself out.
"
73279,"My son is fashion conscious and likes Disney show tunes. I think we need to have THE TALK. No son of mine is gonna raid my lingerie closet.
"
116732,"What made me become a baker? I kneaded the dough.
"
140420,"Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor
"
145309,"<----- gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
"
46630,"boys love girls who go barefoot in the summer and comment on the texture of grass and say """"ouch rocks"""" when walking on rocks
"
207875,"What is Kanye's favorite Transformer? Bruce Jenner
"
122207,"First Rule of *Always Right* Club--No Men Allowed
"
125779,"What do you call an artist in a dark alley? Sketchy
"
25168,"What's the definition of a great farmer? He's outstanding in his field.
"
196571,"What do you call it when you get ripped from steroid use? Ill-gotten gains
"
148989,"Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.
"
99946,"I may love to shop but I'm not buying your bullshit.
"
74042,"What did the old Kentucky colonel say when he got his Viagra? The south shall rise again!
"
216783,"Erotic literature for premature ejaculators ------------------- Chapter 1. ------------------- She looked at him. ------------------- The end. -------------------
"
65162,"A friend and I saw a man killed at the canned goods factory... It was a jarring experience.
"
44823,"That shitty moment when you finally get comfy in bed then realize the lights are on.
"
187232,"Why did the chicken crossed the road? To piss off drivers
"
190536,"Why did the Scotsman sell drugs? He had to get plaid.
"
133971,"The biggest joke of 2015.. When you have Donald Trump, Hilary Clinton, and Deez Nuts running for President.
"
128418,"I'm hot blooded, check it & see/ I got a fever of 103/ why's everyone on the bus screaming/ maybe I shoulda wiped off the rectal thermometer
"
130479,"Why can't the armless girl comb? Because she already had cancer.
"
193836,"Someone asked me the other day whole my favorite superhero is... I said that I thought iceman was pretty cool
"
29785,"I've concluded English is my phone's second language. It's the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
"
92662,"I work out at the same time every day... tomorrow.
"
170715,"Charles Dickens walks into a bar He orders a martini. The bartender asks, """"Olive or twist?""""
"
30594,"Did you hear the one about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.
"
217929,"Have you heard about the insomniac polymath? She could do ALMOST everything with her eyes closed.
"
175094,"Why do they call it the Dark Ages? Because of all the """"knights""""
"
4905,"Why are Jews so bad at maths? Cause they can never find the final solution
"
156007,"A man goes to a psychiatrist... ...and he's holding a duck by the belly. The psychiatrist asks, """"Can I help you?"""" The guy responds, """"Idunno. I've just been feeling down.""""
"
109564,"If you run in front of a car, you get tired. If you run behind it, you get exhausted.
"
180942,"It's two in the morning.  Do you know where your blankets are?
"
57117,"I'll be getting a 4.0 this semester... When a girl rates me out of 10
"
36494,"Ever read a classic novel that really moves you? I feel that way about cheesecake.
"
100497,"Saw two jeeps crash into each other today. There were Dave Matthews Band CD's everywhere.
"
34578,"Why was Game Of Thrones banned from twitter? Because twitter has an 140 character limit.
"
209646,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Joker Barbie ...Barbie with Joker grin and white face
"
96298,"I tried water polo but....
"
64997,"Never judge a book by its cover. Besides, you're on Twitter and don't even read books.
"
11245,"Death toll in Orlando club shooting hits 50 Most of the survivors found were in the closet.
"
102555,"God gave us the brain to work out problems. However, we use it to create more problems.
"
148536,"Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen? Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room...
"
174629,"I'm waiting for Twitter to be adapted into a big budget sci-fi action movie: """"In space no one can hear you tweet.""""
"
105316,"What did the little black boy get for Christmas? My bike
"
163999,"What's the difference between a chick pea and a walnut? I've never had a walnut on my face.
"
210715,"It's cute that kids think they're safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
"
221485,"What did the 9 year old girl say to her swimming instructor? Will I really sink if you take your fingers out?
"
133750,"When is the month when the most trees fall? Sep-timber
"
53222,"I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
"
158141,"How does the Japanese mafia keep their drinks cold they put it in a a Ya Koozie
"
154197,"I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
"
58665,"OC - Why shouldn't Spanish women smoke cigarettes? You shouldn't smoke if your pregnant.
"
18089,"[police station] """"sir you get one phone call."""" [calls 911] """"hello 911 what's your emergency?"""" yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
"
162651,"Kevin Ware's leg Unfortunately Kevin Ware and his leg did not display the same structure and elasticity as his brother Tupper
"
174978,"Let stand in microwave for 2 minutes.' Hah. Yeah, like I make microwave dinners because I'm patient.
"
63281,"My five year plan? I don't even have a five minute plan.
"
200161,"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? Don't know, don't care.
"
144683,"I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
"
2058,"What is the difference between the Christmas  alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
"
142652,"Doctor, can you have a look at my penis... Doctor: I don't see anything wrong with it? I know it's magnificent isn't it?
"
22817,"What do you call an Italian with no arms? Deaf
"
102523,"THEM: Let's head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there. ME: What's the grass situation?
"
85018,"Jokes about the blind aren't funny. Can't people see that?
"
176743,"Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I'm going to need those back.
"
155952,"3 Canadians, 5 Americans, 2 Franks, 1 Arab, 6 Brits, 4 Aussies and 2 Chinese are in line to board a plane from Texas to New York. Who gets randomly searched?
"
147273,"What did the fish say when it rammed into a wall? Dam!
"
65538,"I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can't buy happiness.
"
128804,"What do me and my fridge have in common? Were both empty inside and weigh a tonne
"
180546,"If they gave out awards for sex... You wouldn't even have a participation ribbon As in, you have not participated. You are virgin
"
112437,"What do you call it when you grind your teeth because you are bugged you forgot your dental floss? Flossless compression!
"
101484,"I feel bad for people who suck at simulations. You can say, for them, i feel... Sim-pathetic! (Ba-dum-tuss)
"
32059,"Legally, you don't actually have to ever stop screaming.
"
51378,"I love you like a fat kid loves anything that will make him forget that his dad physically abuses him.
"
113064,"What's green and has wheels. A dolphin. I lied about the wheels. I also lied about it being green. I lied about the whole thing.
"
197364,"I want to start a cafe and fill it with surrealist paintings. I'll call it Salvador Deli.
"
110561,"What's the difference between Donald Trump and a WWI soldier? A WWI soldier has a reason for shooting himself in the foot.
"
96740,"Why is ISIS so good at sports? Even in high-intensity games they always manage to execute
"
33830,"What's the difference between a female and a freezer? A freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat into it!
"
164570,"We're having lobsters for dinner . Update - we have pet lobsters now
"
114801,"I got 99 problems and being attractive could solve at least 30 of them.
"
69399,"The NYC smoking ban sucks. Thankfully you can still wear sunglasses indoors, otherwise it'd be impossible to tell who the cool people are.
"
105073,"Did you hear about the guy who invented the shovel? They say his invention was groundbreaking
"
174928,"My mom once got drunk and stabbed me because I look like my Father... Just kidding, she shot me. But hey, the past is the past. She's sober now and I can finally walk again.
"
91712,"I dropped my phone in the toilet It's ringing wet!
"
39834,"The phrase """"Tricky Dick"""" refers to both former President Richard Nixon and penis puppeteer Rich Handey. Be specific in your usage.
"
82421,"New study shows AMAZING new way to cut down on clickbait! Well, that wasn't it...
"
143205,"The pizza theorem: """"Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut into triangles and put into square boxes"""" -Science
"
200582,"Whenever I'm sad, my dad tells me """"cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water"""" I know he means well...
"
142556,"Fellas, If her pelvis doesn't touch yours when you embrace, she doesn't find you attractive.
"
118113,"What was the last pizza the twin towers had? A plane one.
"
81886,"How do you combat espionage? Umbreonage
"
99009,"I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
"
35599,"If we would have taught the West Africans how to cook their chicken properly; we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with.
"
136335,"What kind of Bees make milk? Boobies.
"
91972,"I was two woman away from having a threesome last night
"
228902,"What do you call a dinosaur FBI agent? A pteredacted.
"
44559,"Have you heard my pizza joke? Never mind, it's too cheesy
"
196935,"A liar, A cheat, and a sore loser walk into a bar. The bartender says: What'll it be Mrs.Clinton?
"
114774,"I've got a joke- Women's rights...
"
219736,"It's unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I'm willing to go through for lactose.
"
186834,"How heavy is a hipster? One thousand instagrams
"
1219,"If I have 5 apples and Jamal take 3, what color is Jamal? Admit it, you're a fucking racist!
"
229299,"Date: """"I don't like Taco Bell."""" *Pushes her in front of a bus.*
"
56931,"Kid: Hey, Mum! What's an orgasm? Mom: I don't know dear, ask your father.
"
189744,"Zombies eat brains, right? Then you're good. *NOTE: Heard this from a couple of friends*
"
12817,"Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
"
155590,"Life is like a box of chocolates... It'll kill your dog.
"
109353,"How do Muslims laugh? Muahahahamed Note: I don't have any prejudices against Islamic people.
"
69548,"What do you call a lizard that doesn't work? A reptile dysfunction.
"
93279,"A lion, a witch, and a wardrobe walk into a bar. The bartender yells, """"Get out! I'm not serving Narnia!"""".
"
39608,"I just sent my first e-mail. Kongratulations!
"
135951,"tomorrow I am going to find the tomb of Ben Franklin and whisper stories of old and lusty ladies into his ear, as he would have wished it
"
78572,"My friend's a pyromaniac... I guess you could say he has a """"burning desire"""".
"
156689,"They canceled school and reminded everyone to """"Prepare for a blackout"""" I've got 2 bottles of Vodka and percocet Blackout is *so happening*
"
1668,"A vegan, feminist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... I know because they told everyone in twenty minutes.
"
197162,"There's only one thing I hate more than outdated references and racism... ....The """"I have a Dream"""" speech.
"
115489,"*lights dim in restaurant* DATE: did it just become sexier in here? ME: I CAN'T SEE MY MENU
"
206592,"If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
"
148603,"I just went to the bathroom without my phone. I had to read shampoo bottles like it was 1999.
"
153686,"Lame Joke I was going to post an old joke, but then I realised that most of you had already reddit.
"
18724,"[breaking up yet another fight] Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters? 6-year-old: Because I always win.
"
64393,"What do you call an anthropomorphic car that's attracted to itself? Autosexual.
"
215846,"Me: """"Your mum sucks."""" GF: """"That's not very nice."""" Me: """"No, it's wonderful.""""
"
63837,"To watch a reality show about a restaurant is to realize how much chef's head-sweat you've eaten in your life.
"
128995,"My third bottle of wine was able to """"breathe"""" for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
"
33666,"Beer without alcohol is like a vibrator with no batteries... It fills you up nicely but lacks the buzz...
"
126331,"My girlfriends father wont let us sleep together when I stay over Which is a shame because he's a very attractive man.
"
43729,"What did one Nigerian Prince say to the other? Wanna go phishing?
"
160588,"I place my finger on the police officer's lips. """"Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.""""
"
58404,"What is the most dangerous thing in america ? Ans: Nigger with a library card
"
26363,"If you watch tape from The Ring you die in 7 days unless you copy it and show it to someone else. So what happens if you put it on Youtube?
"
201020,"What did the cow say to the masked robber? Moo.
"
141333,"What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.
"
71177,"Why do people with a gluten allergy usually make for pretty funny comedians? Because they always have silly acts.
"
13046,"Q: What do you call a clairvoyant midget who escaped from prison? A: A small medium at large.
"
73063,"What kind of jean's do Mario prefer? Denim Denim Denim.
"
65935,"#rubbishjokes Noah's diary - 39th day: """"The dragon pie was really scrumptious.""""
"
160179,"Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
"
171926,"I bought shoes from a drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day
"
185158,"I'm calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
"
145882,"Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell...
"
230328,"In what direction do five gay guys walk? One Direction
"
44372,"yo mamma so fat she sat on her ipod and made it an ipad
"
22382,"When the priest says """"Body of Christ"""" I say """"Thanks, I've been working out."""" Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
"
156932,"Im opening a DIY whorehouse. It's called """"Go fuck yourself"""".
"
67648,"I lost my virginity to a retard last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
"
117236,"I recently bought some fragranced candles They cost me several scents
"
59263,"The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
"
73333,"CNN has confirmed that aliens might actually be involved in the disappearance of Flight 370. At least two illegal immigrants were caught on camera boarding the plane.
"
97149,"At this point journalism school probably boils down to, """"Just say what everyone tweeted.""""
"
91536,"What's great about living in Japan? Well, the flag is spot on!
"
10956,"Do hairy people get bed head all over? Ma'am, I just called to see if you're happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
"
20000,"I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I'm walking away from talking to someone they say """"What an ass?""""
"
143507,"Careful! Angry dog in the backyard! Please do not crush him.
"
172663,"Why don't Jehovah's witnesses celebrate Halloween? They don't appreciate strangers coming up to their door.
"
190968,"Which element is most likely to surrender an electron? Francium.
"
142821,"I submitted 10 wordplays to a pun contest hoping one would win best quip... But no pun in ten did.
"
67368,"My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.
"
110975,"Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
"
188534,"Your mom at a food bank...Food for thot.
"
188809,"Like my therapist always says, """"I'm not your therapist, you're just laying on a couch in Ikea""""
"
135624,"I went to the paralympics Came away with atrophy wife
"
130589,"The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
"
46930,"My ex-wife still misses me... BUT 'ER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER! ...'ER AIM IS GETTIN' BETTER! ......you see, i...it's funny because marriage is terrible.
"
92407,"I Hate Christmas! And whoever started it should be nailed to a cross!!
"
54564,"How far can this plane go with just one engine? All the way to the crash site!
"
206054,"What was the pig when he got laryngitis...? He was dis-gruntled!
"
203313,"That's a nice sham you've got there... It'd be a shame if somebody added an e
"
180693,"you down with ADD? yeah you know me
"
13183,"My satellite navigation told me to turn around. Now I can't see where I'm driving.
"
161459,"Don't let go of your dreams Press snooze
"
151470,"Flight Attendant: """"Would you like some headphones?"""" Me: """"How did you know my name is Phones?""""
"
216594,"-Houston, do you copy? -Houston, do you copy? -God damn it, Houston! -God damn it, Houston!
"
199120,"Sir you don't need to be tailgating me I'm already going 55mph in a 35mph zone And the lights on top of your car look ridiculous
"
194143,"I'll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
"
40527,"What's do you get when you mix a zebra and a donkey? I am not sure but I think it will come out a bit zonkey
"
178611,"Did you all hear about the new terrorist group called Al-paca? The leaders name is Olama Bin Laden.
"
27693,"Did you know diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans
"
166737,"What do you call a learned spider? A webdesigner
"
182194,"I'm not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
"
5963,"Knock Knock...
"
174579,"Is it possible to wanted the same thing and still break up.. Yeah, If you both only want to have sex with girls.
"
160440,"A horse walks into a bar The bartender asks """"why the long face?"""" The horse unable to understand human speech promptly takes a dump on the floor and leaves
"
9359,"At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
"
164142,"You guys wanna hear something really corny? Syrup.
"
107351,"What do you get when you cross an owl and a bungee cord? My ass. TL'DR - My ass.
"
36678,"This guy named Bill keeps sending me letters Says I owe him money or something
"
66695,"Two silkworms have a race..... .....it ended in a tie!
"
11902,"The Anesthesiologist has become Comfortably numb.
"
35915,"What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down into a tire and call it a good year.
"
219861,"TIFU by spraying water on a topless model Now all the seats are wet
"
15457,"SON: Mom, Grandma is so annoying, I wish she will just die. MOTHER: Idiot, it's your mother that will die, not mine.
"
21402,"How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
"
136107,"Any governments / terrorist groups looking to rule by fear should get some tips from spiders.
"
142337,"A friend asked me """"As a young boy, was your mother very strict?"""" I said """"Let's get one thing straight, my mother was *never* a young boy.""""
"
208696,"What do you call an elephant with a poor memory? A bold and innovative departure from the hackneyed stereotypes that all too often dominate the joke-telling industry.
"
149799,"Did you guys see that post about ISIS and Taliban announcing jihad against each other? It really blew up
"
78777,"If ever I commit murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes get shorter sentences in respect for their counterparts.
"
76302,"""""You said send nudes? I thought you said send nukes"""" And that, ladies and gentleman, is the real reason Clinton shall never be president.
"
36929,"Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
"
8800,"Customer: Why is my hairline  receding? Barber: It's not. Your scalp is advancing.
"
204802,"Did you hear about the chickpeas who took a tumble? It was falafel.
"
220154,"Been throwing away this piece of tape for the last 17 hours
"
220038,"What's the difference between a gay man and a curling iron? The gay man won't burn your dick while he's curling your pubes.
"
184351,"If a gay guy gets paralyzed... Is he a fruit or a vegetable?
"
94958,"I've learned there are two types of people in this world: People I trust to help me bury bodies... ...and bodies
"
122032,"My girlfriend's got conjunctionitis It makes her 'ands swell up
"
73474,"Did you know King Solomon made love to 1000 virgins but he never enjoyed great sex :-P
"
48005,"16yo [talking w friend]: fam that's lit af, tell bae and the squad that it's on fleek PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid's having a seizure
"
228039,"IF U WANNA BE MY LOVER you gotta get me a large three topping pizza with stuffed crust
"
56141,"What do gay carpenters say... I'd tap that!
"
126876,"Haven't heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.
"
30270,"I react to the phrase """"open bar"""" the way my dog reacts to everything
"
165126,"If I applied for a job at the Vatican & they asked for my references I'd say, """"Contact Him"""" while pointing up. HOW COULD I NOT GET THE JOB.
"
117915,"It all changed when my girlfriend got pregnant.... My name, my address, my phone number...
"
210054,"I came across Jenny's number! 867-5309
"
196047,"""""How many SEO experts do you need to change a lightbulb lightbulbs buy light bulbs neon lights sex porn""""
"
141300,"I met an Indian girl who doesn't date Indian guys... When I asked her why, she said """"uhhh no real reason"""". I'm thinking, """"no reason, huh?"""" So I punched her in the face. Now she has a reason.
"
198631,"Rick Astley Will Lend You... Any of the Pixar films in his movie collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.
"
185791,"My brother is the worst seller ever. He was trying to sell me a Vacuum Cleaner but the only thing that he kept saying was """"it sucks"""".
"
214935,"ME: i need a loan so i can build a robot army to take over the world with BANKER: what M: oops i meant 'with which to take over the world'
"
168372,"[waiting with friend for his test results] """"I'm nervous"""" I'm sure you're fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
"
160140,"When I started telling dad jokes like my father I knew I was full groan.
"
95106,"Jesus walks in to a motel puts a couple of nails on the counter and ask the clerk """"can you put me up for a night?""""
"
198137,"My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, """"Everyone just eats it.""""
"
195737,"My fashion sense has been described as """"They probably won't let you in like that"""" and """"Are those your pajamas?""""
"
54242,"Why was the salt upset. Because his best friend went to join the peperami.
"
221780,"Do you know where there are only 239 beans in and Irish bean stew? Because if there was one more, it'd be too farty.
"
128247,"Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him """"a promising Rookie"""".
"
151426,"Just got home to find the doors ripped off and everything gone. What kind of bastard could do that to my chocolate advent calendar?
"
99400,"""""People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them"""" """"By mistake?"""" """"Not you as well"""".
"
100827,"When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid's hand right up to their first drug deal.
"
182967,"What's the difference between a thug and a phone charger? A phone charger charges batteries, but a thug has battery charges
"
43591,"Harry POTter? Hermione GANJer?HufflePUFF?? More like the sorcerer's STONED. Wake up, America, JK Rowling has a hidden agenda.
"
177103,"Yo mama so fat Her shirt size has more x's than a 12 Year olds gamertag
"
148492,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? (Gagging on big cock noise)
"
195987,"Quitting twitter is the adult version of running away from home. We ALL know you're doing it for attention and we ALL know you'll be back.
"
229579,"Why don't pencils and graph paper get along? Because they're made out of graphite
"
229020,"I got an electric shock yesterday. I couldn't resist it
"
206913,"Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.
"
84294,"My company issues user id's to its new employees based on the 1st letter of their 1st name and the 1st 3 letters of their last name. I feel sorry for my new coworker Tim Watson.
"
11839,"What's the most dangerous place in an Excel file? C4
"
25205,"What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.
"
156541,"Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered  something to eat.
"
153687,"I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can't tweet it again because it's already been stolen
"
143298,"What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
"
224940,"""""I wish you would stop staring at my breasts. """" said the barmaid, """"you're making me uncomfortable. """" """"Uncomfortable?"""" I replied, """"you want to try sitting on one of these stools with an hard on. """"
"
14840,"There's this great joke I read on 9gag...
"
204916,"How do you wake a sleeping Lady Gaga? You poke poke poker face
"
72385,"what do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion? an ass that'll bring a tear to your eye
"
184672,"An honest driving school would name itself How to Drive When Cops Are Around School.
"
164009,"What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?  - A woman that won't do what she's told.
"
197805,"Are you a power tool? Because i'd really like you to screw my holes *Pickup line a woman should use*
"
190959,"Two homosexuals are bored... """" Let's play a game, if you win I'll play the girl's role. -OK -What has four legs and goes meow? -A crocodile. -You won !""""
"
82193,"Why were people angry wen the chiken crossed the rd? Cus he looked one way, then another way after.
"
62955,"Find out this one weird trick fishermen use. Click bait.
"
144207,"Why is Jesus bad at crossword puzzles? He always gets stuck on 2 Across.
"
9256,"Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
"
107157,"[dinner w/friends] """"How long you two been married?"""" It's been thirt- (wife shaking head) teenish twenty- (still shaking) for a long time.
"
105221,"[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
"
90808,"Mrs Jones: Now remember children travel is very good for you. It broadens the mind. Betty muttering: If you're anything to go by that's not all it broadens!
"
107474,"I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.
"
150769,"How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? 0
"
20670,"What do a WW2 German Soldier and an Animal Doctor have in common? They're both Veteran-Arians (wah wah)
"
46715,"When crossing the Delaware River why did George Washington stand up in the boat ? He was afraid that if he sat down that someone would give him an oar to row !
"
129452,"Hi I'm here for my vasectomy. """"Would you like that toasted?"""" What? """"Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other job. Ok let's do this.""""
"
91019,"I want to visit Antarctica some day... It's such a chilled out place and the people there are really cool.
"
205132,"What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it? HOOO did that!
"
36391,"""""We are going to Taiwan"""" Juan: No, please don't!
"
133242,"Why did the hipster decide to drown himself in the tributary? He didn't want to be mainstream.
"
38480,"Why so many conservative white Americans voted Obama? Old whites on their deathbeds saw """"the light"""" people so often experience when they approach death, and accidentally voted for it.
"
217333,"What did the lesbian vampire say to the other? See ya next month.
"
195472,"The White House bar and restaurant, upon Trump's arrival, will reduce their beverage selections to just two choices: You can get a White Russian or an Orange Julius.
"
205531,"Hey can I call you back in like 6 weeks?
"
165357,"Cat 911: What's your emergency? Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I'm scared! Cat 911: Seriously? Cat: No, LOL! Cat 911: LOL!
"
64535,"Have you seen the movie about a lone piece of graph paper? The plot was a bit scattered.
"
140441,"[KK] Broken pencil Knock knock. Who's there? Broken pencil. Broken pencil who? ... nevermind, there's no point
"
7245,"I've lost all ability to feel... I'm numb.... I'm starting to slip away... I look forward to the empty, meaningless void Now pull the damn tooth, Doctor
"
123925,"5: let's play the quiet game. Me: Okay 5: ready..? Start. Me: 5: Me: 5: whoever talks first is the loser.
"
165765,"Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
"
526,"Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening Many men have died after having a stroke
"
78762,"Why did I cross the road? Because your mom was on the other side..
"
180419,"Cross-eyed people, just look down. We'll come get you if we need you.
"
143358,"An unemployed prostitute approaches a brothel manager and asks for a job. The manager regrettably replies, """"Sorry, we have too many openings right now.""""
"
214742,"What to do you call an old dentist? A bit long in the tooth
"
42464,"I just bought a nice 12 year old scotch His parents weren't very pleased.
"
106401,"Hey guys, have you heard about the new corduroy pillow? It's making head lines!
"
194344,"Old McDonald had a farm and it grew delicious, non-biodegradable french fries.
"
73420,"How do you get a hipster to take a shower? Give them a leaky showerhead. You know, so they can avoid the main stream.
"
83857,"""""oh cool a sewer level"""" --nobody, ever, playing any video game, ever
"
135299,"Why are black people always telling each other to take a piss?
"
19689,"How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!
"
65425,"I have eaten so much of the white bean and kale soup we made this weekend that the EPA just imposed sanctions on my butt
"
84356,"The tongue twister... The wife asks her husband: -Hey, do you know any tongue twisters? -Yes, penis. -Penis? thats not a tongue twisfhndnfasdfnghfgh
"
211262,"Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn't mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
"
143770,"I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.
"
115068,"How do you calm down an astronaut? ...you give him space.
"
151287,"the refrigerator is a clear example that what matters is whats inside
"
89314,"[invention of kissing] WEIRD PERSON: Hey let me lick the inside of your mouth EVEN WEIRDER PERSON: Ok
"
84372,"I just ate a frozen apple! Hardcore.
"
50117,"People who were huge fans of the Backstreet Boys are now in positions of responsibility, making important decisions.
"
74500,"Why did Russia close all of its airports? The planes were stalin.
"
78557,"What do you call tities in the middle of your beer? Better.
"
109736,"How much does it cost for a pirate to get an ear piercing? A buccaneer.
"
84471,"Yo mamma so fat... ...she doesn't jump, she pushes the earth away from her, and it falls back to her.
"
158550,"What's the difference between priests and gay men? Priests say Amen and gay men say ahh, men.
"
223942,"What exactly is dissassociative identity disorder? I've heard of it but don't know what it means?
"
59186,"I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl one one hand. It's zero, because I've never been to Chernobyl.
"
219269,"You know whats funnier than Philly... Your Religion
"
111868,"Surreal, wtf, insane Repost: Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks. lolwut Any similar?
"
147458,"Donald Trump managed to build his wall and kept the mexicans out. Now he has a new target for extinction: Ladders, ropes, shovels, airplanes...
"
225406,"Hey I figured out why they call it BENGAY! Cause love is hard on the knees!
"
175365,"How do you break a Polish man's finger? Punch him in the nose.
"
165084,"I was asked to give a talk about ignorance... ...but I don't know anything about it.
"
20759,"What's the difference between Lamar Odom and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and reuse it.
"
165499,"Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood. Pro Tip Addendum: don't set the romantic mood right by curtains.
"
218588,"I used to work at an orange juice factory... I got fired cuz I couldn't concentrate
"
151898,"Jesus hands his iPhone to da Vinci, """"hey can you get one of me and my best buds? thanks man! HEY EVERYONE GET ON THE SAME SIDE OF THE TABLE""""
"
52919,"I always find New Year's Eve stressful. I've been diagnosed with old langxiety.
"
56336,"A bodybuilder was killed when a fire broke out in my gym. Staff tried to escort him out, but he wanted to feel the burn.
"
1955,"what type of shoes do artists wear? sketchers
"
179090,"Did you hear about the terrorist who was sent to blow up a car? Well, he burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
"
64315,"The wife's only listening to you outside the bathroom door to make sure you're not touching the decorative hand towels
"
128082,"I donate money to single mothers going to nursing school... One dollar at a time.
"
199580,"My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
"
131982,"Why are you all so excited it's Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
"
148267,"How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one. But only if the light bulb really wants to change.
"
46135,"A man walks into a psychiatrist's office completely nude, and so the psychiatrist says to the man, """"sir I can clearly see your nuts.""""
"
165580,"Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7, 8, 9.
"
44089,"Why do teenage girls only hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
"
77484,"What do you call pasta from the hood? Spaghetto
"
55476,"the poor people on welfare should not eat steak and sea food. they should be drinking raw sewage out of an old boot while thanking me
"
194917,"Why can't bike stand on its own? ...because it's two tired.
"
80809,"Why can't you play Uno with Mexicans? They steal the green cards.
"
155332,"Did you hear about the mute guy. I didn't either.
"
127655,"How much semen does a catholic priest have? A butt load...
"
164577,"A green grape is on a vine next to a purple grape. It looks over, gasps, and says """"BREATHE!""""
"
144406,"Yo momma is so fat Her toenails aren't painted, just redshifted
"
72288,"A midget fortune-teller who escapes prison Is a small medium at large.
"
230392,"Ever hear about the worst international trade deal ever? It was tarifful...
"
218756,"I just invented a new word. Plagiarism
"
83739,"My room + internet connection + music + food  homework = perfect day.
"
164991,"I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, """"Will you be putting that up yourself?"""" I replied, """"No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room.""""
"
153030,"A botched circumcision is a ripoff.
"
63614,"A daughter goes to her Jewish father and asks for $20 The father replies """"$10, what do you need $5 for?""""
"
173399,"Why is Darth Vader so famous? He was the first black man to admit he is the father.
"
149562,"Dear Girl Scouts, Your Mints did not make me Thin. ps. Please send more.
"
43751,"How to solve issues with life expectancy The doctor has given me four months to live. I shot the doctor, The judge gave me 20 years. Problem solved
"
212480,"Trix are for kids. calling your penis trix because trix are for kids. wait no ( ._.)?
"
180642,"So I was having sex the other day
"
87560,"What do you call a virus that affects your command-line? A Terminal Illness.
"
85223,"What did the man say when his boss asked him to deal with some potassium? K.
"
17827,"As the wise Confucius once said.... If you drop watch in toilet, you have shitty time
"
155058,"Chelsea FC
"
150771,"I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought """"don't get a boner, don't get a boner."""" But she did.
"
134916,"What did the cannibal order at the bakery? Cinnamon buns.
"
79367,"A: What are you doing? B: Nothing A: Didn't you do that yesterday? B: I havent finished...
"
21114,"So evidently the kid who stabbed all the people at his highschool today was always told he would be famous. He felt like today was the day to take a stab at it.
"
42380,"I'll act my age when I'm 69 lol
"
4693,"Terrorists are so slutty They'll blow on the first date
"
123869,"What do you call 100 cows masterbating ? Beef Strokenoff
"
120379,"wife *resting after surgery* me wife me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn't have any that said """"Get Well Soon""""
"
77677,"What are the two words men hate most unless used together? Don't Stop
"
139200,"What kind of wig can hear ? An earwig !
"
148245,"""""We should see other people"""" PIGEON: coo """"It's not u it's me"""" - coo """"I'm breaking up w/ u"""" - coo """"I'm sleeping w/ ur brother"""" - not coo
"
108076,"- You always have to have the last word. - THAT IS A LIE! - OK, I'm sorry. - Spatula.
"
2718,"Wearing sunglasses inside is a great way to let people know that you should be hated unconditionally
"
207279,"What kind of birds go to church every Sunday? Birds of Pray
"
13962,"My signature sex move is flirting like a pornstar then getting awkward as fcuk once it looks like something could actually happen.
"
25464,"What did the teacher do with the student's cheese report? She grated it.
"
2784,"What do you call an Ethiopian with a dog? Stupid.
"
76210,"The Night's Watch opens a drinking establishment to attract new brothers. They call it the Crow Bar.
"
146378,"I like my men like I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.
"
206756,"Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called """"a lot.""""
"
60855,"Did you hear about the time Helen Keller fell down the well? She screamed her fingers to the bone.
"
30339,"I asked my girlfriend to buy me some Japanese food. ... sushi did.
"
10580,"four years ago I asked out the woman of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me!!! She said no both times.
"
75008,"Why do skeletons have so many kids? Because all they can do is bone.
"
79656,"How does the Navy separate the men from the boys? ...with a crowbar.
"
76357,"My girlfriend said to me """"sex is better on holiday""""... That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
"
10806,"Went to shave my beard but decided not to, the longer I keep it, the more it grows on me. Sure this is old but actually thought this the other day.
"
217364,"I pushed the happy button... ...I just made it depressed.
"
103355,"Some folks say if you go into a Halloween store late at night, you can see the ghosts of the Blockbuster employees who used to work there.
"
61365,"What's the difference between your mom and my computer? I can still turn your mom on.
"
37518,"My grandad let me in on the secret to picking up hot Jewish girls during WWII.. with a brush and shovel..
"
165533,"What did the programmer from the biker gang say? """"It ain't gonna be soft where my engine nearing!""""
"
69557,"What kind of pants does Mario wear? (Super Mario Brothers) *""""Denim Denim Denim""""*
"
142912,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? (nsfw, like any good joke) I can't jelly my cock up your ass.
"
47159,"My mom yelled at my sister """" GET OUTTA MY PURSE!""""... My sister yelled back """"I'M TOO BIG TO BE IN YOU'RE PURSE!""""
"
9443,"There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, sexy men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a """"unicorn""""
"
179269,"What do you do when you come across Santa on New Years Eve? You wipe it off and apologize.
"
111424,"Q: Why do they have so much trouble with the  phone systems in China? A: Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs that someone's always Winging the Wong number.
"
108236,"Good morning people.....I woke up feeling myself this morning....wait that doesn't sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
"
81689,"My boss called in sick of me
"
96493,"What is it called when you throw a tin can into a recycling bin? A recycling TIN!
"
182617,"Squirrels before girls.
"
159841,"This just happened and it could be a joke... No. Really. I was swinging my fork around and got dumplings in my eyes. It wasn't that bad.
"
139546,"I'm doomed to always think of the best comebacks the next day when the baby isn't even around.
"
147177,"DVDs died beacuse of Torrents. Hence, DVD Rip.
"
139169,"If you men have your Movember, then us ladies should have our own.. Vajanuary.
"
140431,"I found a chocolate bar down the side of the sofa but I didn't celebrate because it was my old club.
"
25745,"Did you hear about the discount rabbi for circumcisions? He'll take up to 10% off.
"
182811,"I once tried eating a clock it was very time consuming
"
60385,"Would you like some salt? Na.
"
118493,"What's the difference between a chick pea and potato? I've never paid $50 to have a potato on my face.
"
228173,"Yes, you take my breath away... But so does a brisk walk, or the sight of an ugly baby. Don't be so flattered.
"
70217,"Why doesn't the Easter Bunny make noise when he has sex? Because he has cotton balls!
"
196121,"Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.
"
109534,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, feminists can't change anything...
"
197611,"COP: Freeze!!! EXCEL: LOL no problem
"
190994,"Why did the belt get arrested? Because it held up a pair of pants. I'll show myself out.
"
204861,"I'd rather someone ask if they can have one of my internal organs than ask if they can borrow my cell phone.
"
85137,"People you mute should stay in your TL but with a piece of tape over their avatar mouth and their tweets all like """"Mmmp mm mmmph rf mph.""""
"
90135,"Just got a $14 haircut at Great Clips because I'm worth it goddamnit.
"
152146,"someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants. If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
"
125298,"What do you call a person who delivers Indian food? Currier.
"
206683,"How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a duck.
"
119996,"Why does Pinocchio lie? Because he is a fucking liar!
"
51122,"When asked about hobbies, don't start lap dancing. #jobinterviewfail
"
5427,"Why do people say """"Be there or be square""""? Because if you're not there, then you're not around.
"
38321,"What do you call an Italian's semi-formal shirt? Marco's polo
"
153941,"A farmer in (x-town) who rolled over a cart of horse manure... Is reported in """"stable condition.""""
"
191200,"What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo? A wooly jumper.
"
226477,"My Muslim friend. I have a friend who used to be a Muslim, now he's an atheist, I guess he was done with that Shiite.
"
146702,"Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
"
228920,"What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? *Walks away*
"
206739,"My wife sent me to the shop to buy a butternut squash then got annoyed when I came back with three items. (credit: Sean Lock)
"
193192,"My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it's the lightning that will kill him.
"
160713,"I would tell a good chemistry joke right now But all of the good ones argon
"
84617,"The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile got in a huge accident earlier. I never sausage a thing in my life. In frank, it was the wurst.
"
85000,"How do you get a Jewish girl's number? Ask her to roll up her sleeve.
"
47611,"*Goes to bathroom *Reaches down to unzip *Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours *Starts wearing underwear
"
103703,"If I played video games for 8 hours, I'd be called a loser bum But if I watched TV for 8 hours straight, people would just think I didn't have anything to do that day
"
132770,"""""Daddy, what happens when we die?"""" """"You get married and have kids""""
"
17141,"I'm impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
"
161134,"Two guys walk into a bar.. You'd think that second one would have ducked.
"
45710,"Real person: Do you have Twitter? I'll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don't have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
"
49383,"Which of the Three R's does this subreddit like to do the most? Reuse.
"
152152,"The masochist and the sadist. What did the masochist say to the sadist? """"Hit me."""" What did the sadist say to the masochist? """"No.""""
"
175867,"is there a subreddit for paranoid people ? if so, how do I know it's real ?
"
227058,"What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination? HAND-EYEEEEEEEEEEE!
"
107054,"What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo bean? You wouldn't pay money to have a Garbanzo bean on your face!
"
185133,"I lost my watch at a party... Saw a guy stepping on it while bullying a smaller dude. I walked up to the guy, and punched him. It's not okay to bully... not on my watch.
"
26173,"Don't you just love whiteboards? They're remarkable.
"
190538,"5,000 married men were surveyed as to why they like receiving oral sex. * 1% liked the warmth * 2% liked the sensation * 3% liked the eroticism * 94% just liked the peace and quiet
"
123677,"What do you say when Kanye West does something that annoys you? Kanye not.
"
219615,"I'm like a bike... My girlfriend never rides me.
"
10647,"A pedophile, a rapist, and a Catholic priest walk into a bar... He orders a drink.
"
173417,"An old man's wife jumps out of the bathroom in a loose robe and shouts.... SUP-ER PUSSY!!! To which the old man replies """"I'll just have the soup""""
"
222748,"Once killed a man with my SuperSoaker. (I'd been pumping it for a REALLY long time.)
"
72798,"What did Bill Cosby say in response to his rape allegations? Kids say the darndest things.
"
189222,"My girlfriend said I was a pedophile.... I told her """"that's an awful big word for a 9 year old"""".
"
62542,"This guy goes to the Olympics and sees a guy carrying a long pole. He asks - Are you a pole vaulter? Guy replies - No I'm German, and my name is Hans.
"
155574,"mankind tried to Make Fire by banging 2 Rocks together.. All It got was Stone Cold
"
90658,"My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
"
123552,"Rip off What do you call a cheap circumcision? Look at title
"
96187,"5: I cleaned my room. Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something. 5: No. Next time you can do it.
"
10679,"I asked the guy sitting next to me if he had any Sodium Hypobromite... He said NaBrO.
"
98166,"Hey baby, is your father a thief because he stole the stars and he put them in your eyes and also my TV is missing.
"
146111,"I recently came across a book about a highway system in a third world country I didn't enjoy it. It was full of potholes.
"
91891,"A group of thugs just beat me senseless All I have left are dollar bills
"
223981,"A crazed fan attacked Miley Cyrus at a recent concert. Damn, I would have LOVED to have seen the look on her gums.
"
93363,"I wanted to know the meaning of earthenware, so I opened the dictionary at the EA section. Unfortunately, I needed to pay micro-transactions to access it.
"
164061,"Why don't dogs make good dancers ? Because they have two left feet !
"
157741,"putting a sweater on your dog?? lol what's next, another harmless thing that only bothers me because i'm lonely
"
151250,"To whom do fish go to borrow money ? The loan shark !
"
141555,"What do you call a fart from a paraplegic? Inert gas.
"
40535,"I jumped into the pool with my iPhone.... It's syncing now
"
90313,"I recently did a survey on Syria. The results blew me away.
"
173478,"So an Irishman walks out of bar... Haha no he didn't
"
173718,"What is the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? Well, for starters I would never pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
"
132895,"the children's version of """"The Catcher In The Rye"""" is called """"My Little Phony""""
"
23251,"When children ask me where rain comes from, I pat their heads, shimmy up the nearest flag pole, and urinate on them.
"
176989,"You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
"
51863,"What do you call an orange thats been in the sun too long? tangerine
"
111734,"I bet you think it's funny when... I bet you think it's funny when I have a runny nose. It snot.
"
75973,"What's it called when a 12 year old African boy that's crying? A mid-life crisis
"
153552,"My kid throwing her toast out the car window was more badass than anything I've done in the last 10 years.
"
177839,"I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.
"
208976,"What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision? With a divorce you get rid of the whole dick.
"
221606,"So a work colleague told me that Prince died and they found his body in a lift. Well, he was obviously coming down with something.
"
101833,"Harry S. Truman walks into a sushi bar and orders a Nagasake bomb.
"
61402,"What do Michael Jackson and Santa have in common? They both leave little boys rooms with lighter sacks.
"
195003,"I sometimes sit in the space between two buildings holding a large heap of catnip. You know, to get me some BACK ALLEY PUSSY.
"
134297,"What kind of fish loves to fix instruments? A tuna.
"
5221,"What's the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.
"
113842,"MUMMY VAMPIRE: Jimmy hurry up and drink your soup before it clots.
"
8503,"Only works in German - What is the biggest monkey? - Giraffe!
"
212902,"I hit a guy with my car the other day. Don't worry, it wasn't serious. well... I was laughing. He might have been too, I didn't stop to find out.
"
65459,"My gf is getting glasses Hey guys - my gf is getting glasses on monday and I need a couple of jokes to fire at her - please do your best 
"
66837,"I can actually decide what is inspirational on my own. But thanks for the warning
"
78226,"our top story today after a disappointing summer Humpty Dumpty has a great fall
"
189871,"Too bad the dinosaurs didn't have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.
"
38638,"What do you call Dubstep on a Mac? iDropIt
"
63980,"I retweet to avoid any awkward silences between tweets.
"
118098,"A woman always worries about the things that men forget and men always worry about the things women remember.
"
38440,"Good credit is like Good Pussy, It sticks around until the money is gone.
"
12026,"*sees a guy snap fingers at a server. I reach for my bag* Wife: No. We only have one left. We have a baby. Me: (to genie) take his fingers
"
174815,"""""Oh, he's so immature."""" - boring people talking about fun people
"
75983,"Home early. Wife : """"Why are u home so early?"""" Hubby : """"My boss said go to hell!""""
"
212322,"How my 7 year old plays board games: Rolls a 6. Counts to 6. Moves his piece wherever he wants.
"
26579,"There is a time and place for decaf coffee. (Never and in the trash)
"
168283,"Communism jokes aren't funny Unless everyone gets them
"
27970,"It's good to know how to jerk off sometimes... It comes in handy.
"
217457,"What did the guitars do when they were unhappy with their government? Formed a coustic d'etat
"
111759,"So my girlfriend told me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter. Well, I've got some news for her.
"
53173,"I saw a VW hybrid today. It runs on gasoline and lies.
"
72318,"I don't understand why New Years Eve is such a big deal. I get drunk and tell myself lies all the time. Who needs a special day for that?
"
182844,"optimists: the glass is half full. pessimists: the glass is half empty feminists: the glass is being raped
"
90686,"""""i said make him fetch"""" yeah? """"what have you done"""" he looks pretty fetching to me *dog in shirt & tie* does he have a job interview or somet
"
112144,"why did the tomato blush... he saw the salad dressing!
"
213040,"My friend claims that he is a blacksmith But everything he makes is forged.
"
10623,"How did the rednecks find their sister? Pretty good.
"
215354,"Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.
"
222293,"Tourist: What's the speed  limit in this hick town? Native: We don't have one. You strangers can't get out of here fast enough for us.
"
128792,"[watching House of Cards] where are the cards
"
51449,"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying under a pile of leaves? Russel.
"
101830,"What's the difference between fishing and dating? In one you don't want to jerk the hook, but in the other you don't want to hook the jerk.
"
9565,"Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
"
74205,"Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
"
229078,"I lost two bagels on a public bathroom floor. Now they're pissed.
"
118318,"I do have a swimmers body, he's been in my trunk for days
"
141320,"Why didn't the elephant eat the banana?
"
183970,"Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today. I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.
"
191931,"what do you call a gay drive by? A fruit roll-up
"
228929,"Why are Gametes good at marketing? Sex cells!
"
30603,"What did one computer say to the other? Error 404 joke not found.
"
101229,"Are we dangerous? """"Yes"""" replied mother earth.
"
55996,"If FiveGuys had been founded by black people It should have been called ThreeGuys.
"
182430,"People who eat ass have a shitty taste in sex
"
166279,"So I was playing poker with a few lepers... when someone threw in a hand.
"
197524,"Recursion What does the """"B"""" Stand for in """"Benoit B. Mandelbrot""""? Benoit B. Mandelbrot.
"
63887,"What's a feminist's favorite rapper? Feminem
"
49995,"Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
"
67377,"What do you get when you cross a duck and a fire work? A firequacker
"
197138,"""""I live my life .402 kilometers at a time, chap"""" - Fast and Furious 7: Now We're British
"
59985,"Some say the five knuckle shuffle isn't a finishing move My girlfriend is not one of them.
"
36510,"Why does Bank of America not have a backspace on the ATM keypad? Because America is never wrong.
"
54923,"My contact lenses just fell out and fell down the toilet.. Now I can't see sh!t.
"
185328,"You still have 10 more hours to lose all the weight from your last New Year's resolution. Hurry !
"
129742,"Did you hear about that synthetic type of weed they made using dog hair? Instead of k2, they call it k9.
"
62959,"Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.
"
117809,"Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.- the place in any American city where you can be sure to find racial tolerance and understanding.
"
35831,"I was given a book, """"How to play the didgeridoo."""" All the pages are empty besides one that says, """"Far away from me.""""
"
231433,"What do you call a train that eats too much? A chew-chew train
"
137836,"eer booze and fun!' 'A Skeleton walks into a bar asks for a beer... and a mop.
"
40891,"Christmas in Latvia Is Christmas man have present! He open, find rotten potato. Wife die of malnutrition night that.
"
214410,"*man invents wheel* """"How can we possibly improve this?"""" *Man invents wheel of cheese* """"Nailed it!""""
"
58158,"Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
"
9793,"Original content Front page when?
"
122418,"What's the difference between a baseball and a fat girls pussy? You could probably eat a baseball.
"
29907,"I'm tired of people calling America the dumbest country in the world Quite frankly, I think Europe is!
"
7880,"A good way to let the audience know a character doesn't """"play by the rules"""" is to name her Kat.
"
35729,"How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb? When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.
"
154735,"How are 4chan and Tumblr alike? They usually announce a trigger warning before mentioning a school shooting
"
211972,"I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
"
210625,"I am allergic to fire Everytime I touch it I get burned
"
53191,"What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits.
"
72979,"What is ISIS' favourite file type? .exe
"
62110,"Why do people carry umbrellas? Because umbrellas cant walk.
"
137056,"What do we have for dinner? Wookie steak. Is it any good? Well its a little Chewy
"
7912,"Why do black people have white on their palms? There's a little bit of good in everybody.
"
191156,"There's something actionable in your pants.
"
147193,"Spain at the 2014 World Cup
"
117262,"A man walked into a bar... ... and he stayed there my entire fucking childhood.
"
226999,"Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
"
110430,"What's a Jedi's favorite brand of vodka? Skyy. Only Sith deal in Absolut.
"
199207,"NO I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I'M BRINGING BUT I'M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
"
120535,"What did the really ugly man do for a living ? He posed for Halloween masks !
"
53398,"U2 just announced a world tour. Are they going tosell tickets, or just break into my living room and start playing?
"
75789,"Today I asked """"Where do you get off"""" while quarreling with my girlfriend. She replied """"In your bed."""" Quarrel over.
"
18138,"Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I'm seeing somebody.
"
106589,"Mom: You should come camping with us! It's only $100! Me: You want me to pay $100 to sleep outside? Mom: Yeah. Me: I'm getting a new Mom.
"
228041,"How was the Grand Canyon formed? A jew lost a penny there.
"
162946,"Did you hear about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? No? Be careful, there's a small medium at large.
"
24065,"Knock knock! (A joke from my 5 year old sister) Knock knock! Who's there? Boo Boo who? Don't cry it's only a joke! ...I got rekt
"
23746,"Compare to what Luke and Anakin had lost, Leia is considered lucky At least she still has the D
"
178309,"How does an Argentinean commit suicide? He climbs up on his ego and then jumps off.
"
87243,"what is an pirates fav element potassium because pirate doesnt want scurvy. it not argon k?
"
111985,"How do you know when a grenade is thrown by a blonde? When you can pull the pin and throw it back
"
13093,"Under what circumstance is mass a unit of time? Church
"
45850,"Why are envelopes and papers white? Because blackmail is illegal.
"
183741,"why are dubstep artists so bad at fishing? They always drop the bass
"
162890,"Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
"
196150,"As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who's laughing now?
"
73682,"Sometimes you just have to grab the bull by the balls before you realize """"This can't be right.""""
"
36147,"Why are bears so hairy ? They don't have salons in the jungle !
"
193548,"There are 10 types of people in this world Those who understand binary and those who don't.
"
193461,"Gynecologist defined The only person who looks for problems in a place where everybody else gets pleasure.
"
19411,"Will Smith was convicted They found fresh prints at the scene....
"
94225,"What do you call a pachyderm that sings jazz? Elephants Gerald
"
184840,"What do you call a religious duck? A Quacker
"
226481,"Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.
"
207605,"My girlfriend just told me she was moving away to either Cleveland or Tulsa... All I could think to say was, """"OH. OK.""""
"
45328,"Batman sure has a weird habit of purposely leaving his soft lips exposed.
"
96142,"A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
"
127364,"Knock knock. Who's there? Baby Owl.  Baby Owl who? Baby Owl see you later baby not.
"
77921,"People complain about the weather and politics till the cows come home... and then they complain about how there are cows in their house.
"
214778,"Why did black people pick so much cotton? Because we told them to.
"
186411,"I registered to a website for constipation sufferers. It won't let me logout.
"
126721,"Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW
"
195742,"A teacher asks her student Teacher: What does a Bee gives us? Student: Honey Teacher: What does a cow gives us? Student: Milk Teacher: What does a fat pig gives us? Student: Homework
"
17214,"Today in 1892, JRR Tolkien was born. He wrote about all the horrible things that will happen if you put a ring on it.
"
136779,"What do woman and KFC have in common After the breast and the thigh there is nothing left but a greasy box to stick your bone in.
"
37238,"DAD JOKE: Do you know where you get water from? Well...
"
92163,"What's a Japanese person's hangover cure? Soba Noodles
"
199826,"Whats a bros favorite mexican food. Carne asuhdude
"
209270,"How do you know Google is a male? Because it knows everything.
"
153148,"If you cloned yourself, and then you become attracted to yourself and ended up having sex with your clone...does that make you gay, or are you just on the forefront of masturbation technology?
"
53382,"What's the difference between a dead prostitute and a dead German midget? A tiny pair of lederhosen on your basement floor.
"
135724,"My girlfriend hates my new cologne chloroform... She says it makes her drowsy and gives her a sore ass
"
1324,"How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb... It's quite an obscure number you probably would not have heard of it.
"
14411,"What do all my friends and my dad have in common? i didnt have either growing up
"
40798,"When I'm at the pool, hopefully girls see the scratches on my body and assume I'm a great lover, and not that I enjoy giving cats piggybacks
"
184104,"Knock Knock... Knock Knock Who's there? I have runnyeep I have runnyeep who? hahaha! (You have to say it out loud to get it)
"
84640,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Well I guess none; they just put the bulb in the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.
"
214139,"How many ladybugs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
"
212206,"I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it's from.
"
150799,"It's difficult to be romantic when your dog always eats the trail of McNuggets leading to the bedroom.
"
184297,"The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
"
217481,"Still good at casually flexing my bicep the second before a girl touches it.
"
57466,"My friend and I saw a hobo sleeping in the park with a memory foam pillow... My friend turned to me and said, """"What a truly lucky man!""""
"
92998,"Why are locksmiths in Japan cooler than the rest of the world's locksmiths? Because in Japan they're rocksmiths. 
"
182009,"A solar panel is talking to a wind turbine... The solar panel says, """"So what do you think about this whole renewable energy thing?"""" The turbine replies, """"I'm a big fan.""""
"
53903,"Dang I didn't make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
"
113319,"Buy followers? No thanks. I'm married so I spend enough money on people I don't talk to
"
65200,"How many terrorists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none, they blew it up already.
"
92908,"Your mother is deaf I guess that's why she didn't move around a lot.
"
62935,"How do you address a monster? Very politely.
"
71690,"There's a woman with a colostomy bag. Her boyfriend says he wants to fuck her in the pooper... Which hole does he use?
"
149583,"Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants. Old man says """"nope, it'll kill em""""
"
160200,"Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
"
44215,"It's not about the sacrifices you have to make, it's about making sure your knife is sharp and they can't wiggle away.
"
153761,"A snowman and a snow-woman had a child... ...it had its mother's ice.
"
65338,"Neighborhood kids came over for an Easter egg hunt. Apparently hiding the eggs in the clothes I was wearing is somehow against the law?
"
152732,"If you use the term """"man card"""" seriously, I assume you use it to access your """"man cave,"""" so you can hunker down & gobble some """"man dong.""""
"
51585,"I think I might be dying But I really like the color of my hair right now.
"
188913,"There is a big difference between """"friends"""" and """"Facebook friends""""
"
92206,"Mom, am I ugly? """"I told you not to call me mom in front of people""""
"
98001,"Men You know how they say """"why buy the cow if you get the milk for free?"""" Well I say, """"why buy the whole pig for a little sausage...""""
"
140188,"Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
"
4608,"It was only after I started dancing in the food court - alone - that I learned flash mobs are planned...
"
832,"The pub manager is showing the new busboy around the kitchen, when they come to two doors. The busboy asks, """"Which one is the 'in' door?"""" """"Let me show you"""", says the manager, and 'e walks in.
"
217724,"Sometimes I'll water my plants with boiling water because why should they have it so good?
"
112868,"Good call inventor of glass tables. There's nothing more appetizing than realizing Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm trying to eat
"
198778,"This post is NSFW Jim brought a sword into the office.
"
93772,"[on deathbed] """"Tell my Wif... *cough*"""" Yes? Tell her what? """"Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best"""" [dies]
"
131428,"How do you turn a fox into a cow? Marry them
"
71169,"Accidentally fell asleep at my grandmas funeral Wouldn't you know, I woke up with mourningwood.
"
141022,"Hear about that guy who was so desperate for accolades that he framed his parking citation?
"
28610,"Wet T-shirt contestant asks former contest winner: Any pointers?
"
151566,"I get ignored so much that people call me terms and conditions
"
46820,"Why do emo's always act so sour? Because you can't spell Lemon without emo.
"
23810,"Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?
"
219681,"Sarah Palin
"
119256,"I've just invented a new word. plagiarism
"
149417,"Did you hear about the injured condiment? He had to be rushed to the Mayo Clinic.
"
200468,"My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her
"
60459,"There's two things I don't like about my sons new partner. He's black
"
58348,"how does james bond prefer his women? shaven, not furred
"
149616,"I've never tried Frosted Flakes cereal But I've heard great things about it.
"
147319,"Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
"
184270,"What do the English and Hitler have in common? They both hate the Polish.
"
33030,"How do I change the ring on my phone to an onion ring?
"
65194,"Jesus Christ! I forgot to buy dog food last night and now my dogs are playing a Sarah McLachlan album and googling humane society.
"
205078,"A windy day Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. The first says to her friends """"gosh, it's windy today"""". The second says """"no, it's Thursday"""". The third says """"so am I. Let's get a drink"""".
"
148252,"How long does it take to tune a double bass? Nobody knows.
"
174875,"If you can recite the alphabet backwards to a police officer they will arrest you for fingering a minor.
"
139883,"For every action, there is an equal and opposite... This post is not longer available due to a trademark claim by Fine Brothers Entertainment.
"
75506,"Shouldn't the Air and Space museum be empty?
"
172677,"A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
"
151585,"Me: *ziplines into wedding* """"Sup nerds?"""" *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down* Priest: """"Ooh a pinata!""""
"
161460,"What did the hypnotist say when he got his own website.... Hyp Hyp Hooray.
"
70095,"How did Harry Potter cross the road? Walking Jk rolling
"
195395,"In the competition of female logics, a random number generator won.
"
73874,"I had a dream That the most beautiful plate of salmon with lemon zest and crusted parmesan was in front and before I could dig in I woke and saw it was my wife's leg spread open.
"
165597,"What do delinquent shapes get up to? Shenanigons
"
230709,"What do you call it when your having sex with a smart girl? Being in-genious
"
207228,"A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea. Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.
"
133126,"Have you heard about the kleptomaniac that robbed that fish market? They say he did it, """"just for the halibut.""""
"
223252,"If Obama is a Muslim extremist, then how come he's a gay prostitute?
"
1281,"If Frieza is King Cold's son... Does that make him a little Cold?
"
8645,"My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery! Upvote for visibility.
"
168946,"Why don't Gingers go to the dentist? They are already aware of their corrosive gingivitis.
"
58298,"What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back!
"
38403,"So I've been studying up on clams lately I want to take up boxing, and I heard part of training is mussel memory.
"
213847,"Waiter what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been but what is it now?
"
105659,"What did the Momma buffalo say to the baby buffalo on his first day of school? Bye Son (Bison)
"
178922,"I've been to 3 different specialists at the Foxsworthy Institute and they still can't be sure whether or not I'm a Redneck. I'm losing hope
"
33362,"I know what it's like to be pulled back from death and appreciate life more since I dropped my cell phone in the toilet and it still works
"
223468,"an octopus is just a wet spider
"
109469,"Did you get those yoga pants on sale? Because at my house they're 100% off,
"
9878,"An employee and her boss are having sex. Boss: Do you want to change positions? Employee: Uh yeah. Can I be the Assistant Manager?
"
57736,"So 2 guys walk into a bar. ........that's pretty much it i'm still 17
"
31838,"In certain Eastern cultures, it's considered a grave insult to shit all over the floor in someone's home.
"
94015,"If it looks like a duck & quacks like a duck, it's a murderer, disguised as a duck.
"
221246,"Hillary clinton might be the first f president Sorry I meant female but the emale got deleted
"
183143,"I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months. The divorce papers are finalized today.
"
221718,"When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
"
190433,"A lack of love from your parents leaves a hole in your heart only dicks can fill.
"
189596,"Mexicans and blacks are pretty much the same... once you've heard juan, you've heard jammal
"
137643,"How do you get a 300 pound woman into bed? piece of cake
"
184235,"Whats a ghost's favorite kind of porn? Booookaki
"
176970,"What did the chill pigeon say? coo. coo.
"
117505,"Hey Sherlock, what type of stone is this? Sedimentary, my dear Watson
"
226174,"My friend cooled himself to absolute zero... he's 0K now.
"
8534,"When #EgyptAir announced """"he's not a terrorist, just an idiot"""" My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
"
15689,"Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome.
"
61167,"What does a Jewish pedophile say to a child? Do you want to buy a candy?
"
2356,"What do a redhead and a freezer have in common? They've both got ice on the inside.
"
206417,"My """"it's cold outside"""" post just went viral on Facebook.
"
58815,"How do you know when you've played too much minecraft? When your friend wishes aloud that he could be creative and you tell him ,""""your game mode has been changed.""""
"
184607,"My rock band got a gig at the baseball game. I played first bass.
"
30575,"I will never vaccinate my child. I'd rather a doctor or nurse do it.
"
30767,"Why do /r/Planetside moderators dislike the Death Star II? It's a trap.
"
86921,"How do you make a cat go 'woof'? Douse it in gasoline and set it alight.
"
147288,"Today my dad told me that he quit his car vacuuming job after the first day. He said it was a sucky job
"
128873,"My 6 year old wrote a knock, knock joke today. It My son: knock, knock Me: who's there My son: Nobody Me: Nobody who? My son: penis
"
128497,"What do you call a grain knife? barleysong
"
139187,"HARRY POTTER: Alohamora MORA: Aloha, Harry
"
15694,"""""Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history"""" -my relatives
"
130795,"whats orange and black and hates lasagna? A picky eater wearing a Garfield costume.
"
113022,"I'm in a band called """"Stuck In The Fucking Departure Lounge!"""" Check us out!
"
173319,"Did you hear about the mathematician who hated negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them!
"
111779,"Fact: It is against league rules for an NFL player to own a pet duck. It's considered a personal fowl.
"
57961,"What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
"
74196,"If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
"
169870,"What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
"
59652,"If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one.
"
110333,"Whats you favorite Christmas joke? I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!
"
220739,"Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
"
87693,"Why did the chicken cross the road? TO MAKE A VERY BIG POO POO!!!
"
129578,"Don't joke.... About hobos because they are just poor.
"
213588,"An Irishman walks out of a bar. Badum, ssssshhhhhhh
"
7311,"Why did the T-Rex get hammered at noon? Because he's a Wino-saur!
"
161801,"just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
"
159727,"How is a fish like a bicycle? Neither one knows how to whistle!
"
119476,"I like my women like I like my coffee I don't like coffee.
"
80474,"Are there any medium rappers? They're always big or lil
"
226728,"My skills Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. Four skills I possess while shaving my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life.
"
123975,"Did you guys here about what was going on at Mount Rushmore before the carvings? Man, that shit was unpresidented.
"
80850,"Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans? Because you're breaking wind.
"
204215,"Pretty proud that after all these years I still have the body of a 22 yr old triathlete. In my storage shed.
"
39792,"I got punched in the face last week - I now spend most of my time stroking gappy teeth with my tongue. I should probably stop making out with pensioners.
"
162200,"Ever hear about the optimist that was getting eaten by a lion? He managed to get out of the beast, but he looked like shit.
"
187283,"Mathematical Humor It just doesn't add up.
"
156997,"When playing the guitar in public... keep in mind not to finger A minor, you could get arrested.
"
225598,"My foot wants to interact with your face. 
"
139891,"Why did the woman fall in love with the surgeon? Because he cauterize.
"
159897,"What animal's alphabet is just like ours? A Baby Ceel's
"
176121,"And now I remember why I don't trust toilets at service stations..... ....they're usually full of shit.
"
6479,"How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it!
"
66273,"What do all Yale and Harvard students have in common? They got into Yale.
"
8347,"Why do anarchists smell so bad? Because they're *revolting*
"
42635,"He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it's all screaming and shit.
"
147658,"Don't worry, dude, You're fine. I'm pretty sure you need a personality first before it can have a disorder.
"
121817,"My (black) coworkers informed me that black people can't get lice? """"You know what else they can't get? Good jobs."""" I received a write-up :(
"
199199,"Why do girls like vampires so much ? They still eat no matter what time of the month.
"
62596,"I found a way to make all this gender identity stuff work for me. My right hand will now identify as female. Now I won't have to be sad every time I masturbate.
"
62154,"What's the difference between a Scottish guy and Mick Jagger? One says """"Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"""" The other says """"Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!""""
"
89720,"Penn State We all know that older woman who go after younger guys are called cougars. Well older men who go after young boys are called Nittany Lions.
"
216394,"A Programmer goes to the store to buy groceries... .... and while he's there, his wife calls and says: """"While you're out, get some eggs."""" He never returns.
"
121435,"What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile.
"
86076,"What did Emma Sulkowicz get for her birthday? I don't know but I'll tell you what she didn't get. Raped
"
3228,"What did Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Nelson Mandela all have in common? They're all criminals.
"
45456,"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil!
"
205066,"How are women like casinos? Liquor in the front, poker in the back.
"
175696,"Why does chav code never compile? They end every statement with init
"
3107,"Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
"
231017,"Starbucks can't be racist. Almost every drink they serve is black or mixed.
"
203438,"Why am I against Donald Trump's wall idea? It will make fleeing to Mexico more difficult when he ruins our country.
"
154418,"What do you do if your daughter starts smoking? Slow down and use lube.
"
144892,"I just ended a 5 year relationship! I am fine though because it wasn't my relationship.
"
185076,"A popcorn necklace is a nice way to tell someone you want them to be attacked by birds.
"
114078,"idon't know what to say honsetly :\ ....00100 :D hey evrey body fuck yu !!
"
220710,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? No amount of feminists can change a light bulb, because feminists can't change anything.
"
112167,"Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
"
104904,"How do you get the guitar player off of your porch? Pay for the pizza.
"
93353,"Three stages of life. * Birth * What the hell is going on?!? * Death
"
28088,"I'd like to tell you a joke about paper... but it's tearable.
"
35639,"Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: """"Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?""""
"
94777,"I might be overreacting, but being forced to scroll past other countries in a drop down menu makes me want to start a world war.
"
155738,"What do you call a man who opens the car door for  you? A chauffeur.
"
31688,"I bought ones of those cds that teach you Spanish in your sleep. Sometime in the night it started skipping, now I can only stutter in Spanish.
"
97948,"I bought my kids electric toothbrushes because it was taking too long to splatter toothpaste all over the bathroom w/the regular toothbrush.
"
4961,"A gorilla was shot I was playing pokemon go and the next thing i knew , a gorilla was dragging me around wtf mom
"
93468,"Jesus and his apostles go to a restaurant... """"Table for 26, please,"""" Jesus tells the hostess. """"But there are only 13 of you."""" """"Yeah, but we're all going to sit on one side of the table.""""
"
168748,"For my next party trick I'll swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they'll come out of my ass tied together.... I shit you knot
"
228045,"Penn State has missed two extra points today which is weird because they are usually pretty consistent about doing the little things.
"
225421,"If Jesus was a Jew . . . If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Puerto Rican name?
"
200159,"The way I see it, EVERY FRIDAY is Good Friday.. 
"
206553,"When walking behind someone at night, let them know you're not dangerous by yelling """"DO NOT FEAR ME"""" very loudly
"
111658,"Leather armor is the best for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
"
163089,"Penguins can't fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don't have to clean penguin shit off my car.
"
161990,"What do you call a woman with an opinion? Wrong
"
181896,"I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
"
29475,"What happens if you don't keep up payments to your exorcist? You get repossessed.
"
174781,"What do rehab and the days after Christmas have in common? Cold turkey
"
181344,"What do you get when you cross a kid who's eaten enough sugar to send a rocket into orbit, and the meanest boy in the whole world? Hyperbole
"
17204,"What does a German use to polish his trumpet? Toot tonic
"
198567,"Black children never know the joy of finding their name in a personalized keychain display.
"
186996,"How do you know you have a high sperm count? She has to chew.
"
20663,"Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
"
131701,"She'll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. - Mountain bragging.
"
134082,"I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.
"
18868,"I've come to realize that if a Facebook profile picture has two people in it, It always belongs to the uglier one.
"
214554,"Ask me if I'm a snail! No. This joke works much better if you say it to the other person like they're an idiot for asking.
"
101812,"A recent study shows 9 out of 10 men admit their wife is always right. Since the study 1 man has still not been able to be found.
"
45737,"Knock knock Who's there? Owls. Owls who? They certainly do
"
225089,"Isn't Megan Fox a little old to be hanging out with the TEENAGE mutant ninja turtles?
"
127069,"Me: Saw your bf today """"Where?"""" M: What's the name of that gym next door to the gay bar? """"Golds?"""" M: Yeah, in the gay bar next to Golds
"
193336,"Forty minutes before we get to the first sex scene in Fifty Shades Of Grey? They do beat around the bush...
"
21125,"Here's another pizza delivery joke Actually, you'll get it in 30-45 minutes.
"
173653,"Comas make a big difference in your sentences. For example, -Ben is in a hurry -Ben is in a coma
"
56183,"I'm going to name my child Dick.. It rolls straight off the tip of my tongue.
"
96330,"The deadliest Knock Knock joke... [PERSON 1] Knock knock [PERSON 2] Who's there? [PERSON 1] You know... [PERSON 2] You know who [PERSON 2] AVADA KEDAVRA!!!
"
130023,"I saw the add on page one. I dont have a reason to stand for cancer. But I do have a reason to sit for diabetes.
"
167079,"God once put his dick in a box as a gift and called it the Omnipresent.
"
20234,"Q: What does a king do when he burps? A: He issues a royal pardon.
"
160427,"Juicy J What did Juicy J say when he cummed all over his legs? Jizz on mah feet, yeah, Jizz on mah feet..
"
167511,"Sometimes my sense of humour is so dark... ... It picks cotton
"
49800,"I always try to hold in my sneezes so I don't give someone a reason to talk to me
"
213095,"Dropping the shampoo bottle in the shower is the most violent sound ever. """"U OK in there? Sounds like a Michael Bay film in that bathroom!""""
"
54230,"My friend is afraid of fruit. So I told him to grow a pear.
"
116782,"So you're looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why that's  .thats brilliant!
"
44851,"What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence? A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
"
230718,"Hear about that 70s date rape band? Cosby Pills Smash and Run
"
97237,"What s the difference between toilet paper and toast? Toast is brown on both sides.
"
86008,"I'm on a new diet where I can only eat and drink things where I know what the ingredients mean. I can now tell you every ingredients use in Cheetos, how it's obtained, and the molecular structure.
"
142227,"Give a man a jacket and he can leave the house during Winter. Teach a man to jack it and he'll never leave the house.
"
210482,"*notices ham sandwich while searching inside myself* 'wait, if that's here' *son opens lunchbox to find debilitating existential malaise*
"
201600,"I may not be book smart or street smart and I may not have much common sense and I'm really not sure where I was going with this.
"
84935,"I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I'm confused about how many at night?
"
30644,"Greek mythology in 3 words Zeus got horny
"
52152,"Am I an Angel A little Black Baby Dies and goes to heaven, he sees and angel flying and says """"God am I an angel?"""" God looks down pats him on the head and says """" Nah Nigga you a bat""""
"
50333,"If I see you selling weed, I will call the cops.... and report a robbery across town..... then come over and buy some weed. Safety first.
"
30939,"Of course most gay men dress well... they spent more than enough time in the closet!
"
207978,"How do you disappoint a redditor? Just say """"Ifunny is better than reddit""""
"
119241,"Don't get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You'd turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
"
95087,"In high school, I presented a project on communism I thought I would get terrible marx for stalin but the teacher was pretty leninent.
"
144767,"Whats the devil's favorite meal? fillet of soul
"
171265,"What do you call a giant pile of kittens? A meowntain
"
180183,"Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
"
146740,"Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they're just sobbing """"thank you""""
"
208622,"Lance Armstrong should keep his awards. Last time I rode a bike doped up, I ran into a parked zebra.
"
162812,"I can't wait until this election is over and we can go back to calling Trump supporters what they were originally called Racists
"
70142,"A girl who I've been seeing goes to sleep early. But that's mostly from the chloroform.
"
175788,"[mob about to stone a sinner] JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. [mob drops rocks] JESUS: [picks up rock]
"
105785,"I tried to send an e-mail and broke my computer. How do you manage that? I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.
"
148016,"How to win the war on drugs... 1) legalize all drugs. 2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
"
134439,"How much free space does Europe have ? 1 GB.
"
123509,"I like my coffee black Like Jesus
"
228029,"Why doesn't China have a phone directory? Because there are so many Wings and Wongs they'd still wing the wong number.
"
2277,"I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war. I wonder if he was mowed down?
"
185450,"Two peanuts were walking down the street... ...one was a salted.
"
149334,"What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
"
102228,"What did the otter say to the guy whose ankle he pooped on? """"Spraint your ankle!"""" Just in case: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spraint
"
178936,"[nabisco hq] """"Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas"""" *raises hand* """"anyone else?"""" ... ... """"ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-"""" Wheat Thicks
"
186103,"Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it's best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
"
86230,"Never forget. Never forget that Americans can't even get the date the right way around. Sincerely the rest of the world on 9/11.
"
168122,"Did you hear Monica Lewinsky became a republican? The democrats just left a bad taste in her mouth
"
53534,"My N'Sync tattoo? I got it to remind me not to make impulsive decisions based on fleeting trends that I'd regret for the rest of my life.
"
192384,"(Flash of brilliance while out shopping) My friend asked me what my favorite store to shop at was. I couldn't decide, so I said I love """"them all""""
"
112261,"I don't care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
"
206566,"Why couldn't the monk who flew a helicopter understand the monk who flew commercial jets? Because he was on a higher plane.
"
130693,"Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
"
227726,"What are a redneck's last words? """"Hey, guys, look what I can do!""""
"
58470,"I don't mind the NSA reading my Word documents. It means that at least someone will read the first draft of my novel.
"
221409,"Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was """"he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid's ears""""
"
203604,"whats the difference between a girl and a bus? """"What's the difference between a girl And a bus"""" """"What?"""" """"As more people that go in the bus the tighter it gets""""
"
54590,"I just went to the apple orchard with my girlfriend... My only complaint was I didn't get to be in cider.
"
98178,"Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church? """"No thanks."""" Don't judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects... """"WHERE DO I SIGN UP?""""
"
190086,"I named my penis pony... ..because it's the smaller version of what you really wanted and you only get a ride if you're under 12.
"
120928,"What do your mom and Jesus have in common? They both got nailed
"
79170,"Why do the Dutch people love..... Why do the Dutch people love the Belgian-jokes so much?  They are cheap.
"
31047,"Yo mama so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
"
62984,"A priest, a rabbi, and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, """"What is this, a joke?""""
"
13818,"*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare* Boss: What are you doing? Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
"
149657,"A midget was escaping prison... A midget was escaping prison. I watched him as he climbed over the fence. On the way down he smirked at me. I thought to myself, """"well that's a little condescending"""".
"
167050,"Who is a Brooklyn dog's favorite composer? Bach Bach Bach
"
53332,"A man goes to the library and asks for their best book on suicide! Librarian says """"Oh, we are out of copies on that. People who take it never returns it""""
"
176590,"What car transmission do Mexicans use? Manuel.
"
225454,"A Man Walks Into A Bar The other one ducks
"
67709,"When a celebrity dies, who's the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the """"is""""s to """"was""""s on their Wikipedia page?
"
41267,"Adulthood - Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
"
51183,"What kinda truck does Paulie Shore drive? A DiiieEEeESsssleeeeee
"
213491,"What's the difference between a tavern and an elephant fart? One is a bar room, and the other is a *BARROOM!*
"
80595,"What's the most annoying thing on /r/jokes? People who post the joke intro twice.
"
143265,"16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? """"16 and smart enough to use a rubber.""""
"
1403,"Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
"
221108,"A Cellular Service Provider Joke What did the man with Verizon say to the woman with Sprint? You better Sprint on over to the Verizon store.
"
45505,"They say 1 in 3 people live next to a pedophile Not me I live next to 2 smoking hot 8 year olds
"
39663,"Chuck Norris can recharge his chuckPod by plugging it into a piece of cheese.
"
210561,"""""Great, now we're looking at luggage. Not like we need more luggage."""" Me, 11/25/2015
"
45128,"My black friend called me a disgrace in front of his girlfriend. But then I realized he was introducing me to his girlfriend, Grace.
"
71854,"My phone didn't get a ring all day. . Then I forgot I had it in lebron mode.
"
93115,"Reddit told me to talk to a crush just like I'd talk to anyone else, didn't work Apparently """"Hi, shithead"""" wasn't the correct thing to say
"
50591,"Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. """"I don't know why we didn't think of this before,"""" he said.
"
24293,"Can you even work your smartphone? In what capacity?
"
17826,"Q: Why did the Boy Scout take up the  banjo? A: They make good paddles.
"
68469,"I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
"
105942,"""""Incontinence hotline... ...can you hold?""""
"
164191,"How to keep an idiot waiting? I'll tell you tomorrow. Edit: Grammar.
"
11727,"Keep the Earth clean! Its not Uranus.
"
171183,"Whats the name of the band with the most hits? the hitlers!
"
143769,"What do you get when you cross dessert with a monkey? A Meringueutan
"
206072,"What Do You Call A Policewoman Who Shaves Her Pubes? Cuntstubble
"
168857,"I failed my drivers license test I didn't want to start the car. When the instructor asked why I said it was illegal to test and drive.
"
220957,"There is a button on my microwave that says """"super clown"""" and I do not ever push that button
"
30227,"I'm honestly convinced some women do not fart. They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama.
"
47106,"Hey you hear about that gay midget? Yeah, he came out of the cupbard.
"
180665,"Apparently """"You should Google it"""" isn't the best response when she asks how much do you love me? Sigh, women are so demanding..
"
210294,"Whats the worst thing you can do to a blind man? Leave the plunger in the toilet
"
132809,"I like my women like I like my coffee... Entirely void of pubic hair.
"
22797,"What do you call a Mexican little person? A paragraph because he isn't a full ese (essay)...
"
225253,"Why are your eyes covered in ketchup? I'm often asked by people: """"Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?"""" So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.
"
187286,"Why is Diego's slogan """"Go Diego Go"""" It was the last thing his mother said before she got shot by the border patrol
"
120469,"OC: What does Babe Ruth and roughly 100,000 antelopes have in common? They're both ballpark figures.
"
119712,"Why did the LAPD leave the Dodger game early? They wanted to beat the crowd.
"
88592,"""""I could probz bench press, like, five of you""""-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
"
18516,"I ALSO wrote a poem! ''I do drugs, you do drugs, we do drugs, they do drugs'' Now, I know it's not the best, but it's pretty dope.
"
94400,"How do you call a dog that likes to be on the Internet? A Labragoogle.
"
204192,"Why do people from finland have problems with sex? Because it's hard for them to Finnish.
"
200912,"You never pay the bill Unless it is a tribute to Bill Cosby, you rapist.
"
211621,"A cockroach walks into a bar... A cockroach walks into a bar and says """"Is the bar tender here?""""
"
13583,"When you are trying to get out of the aisle at the movies, and you have to pass by people, do you give them the nut or the butt?
"
43085,"Dad: """"Don't you come back late midnight again... ...Otherwise you'll be coming back next year.""""
"
15877,"Watch Forrest Gump *feel inspired *toss orthotics out, go for jog *1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
"
24151,"UK: We call it """"Autumn"""", from the French word """"Automne"""", and later, from the Latin """"autumnus"""". USA: WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAVES FALL DOWN
"
113826,"When do Catholics allow the use of condoms? When the choir boys have diarrhea.
"
101156,"Miley Cirus' nipple slip at MTV's VMAs
"
116482,"Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
"
157439,"Have you heard about the new iPhone Plus? I reckon it's gonna be a huge 6s... Get it ;)
"
125155,"I've been sitting here trying to think of a French joke, and I almost have one that works. Unfrotunately, it went on strike.
"
219224,"Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
"
203981,"What's a cats favorite thing to read? A CATalog
"
49030,"I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
"
37963,"How do you get an art major off your porch? Pay for the pizza
"
127693,"Did you hear about the new $5 million dollar Kentucky State Lottery? The winner gets $5 for a million years.
"
157988,"what weighs more on the moon than on earth? a helium baloon
"
113091,"A female weight lifter went to the doctor """"Doc, I've been takin steroids for a few years now and as a side effect, I've grown a Penis"""" """"Anabolic""""? Asked the doctor. """"Nope just a Penis"""" she replied.
"
80465,"Bread is just bread until you drop it on the floor. Then it's toast.
"
143286,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Its a really obscure number, you've probably never heard of it
"
40572,"Why should you never buy Russian jeans? Chernobyl fallout
"
190299,"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy... ...so I went out and got drunk.
"
195542,"What does it taste like when you go down... What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends...
"
230605,"That awkward moment when you're scuba diving and you see adele rolling in the deep.
"
169999,"""""How far have you gone with a girl?"""" """"I went to Canada with my mum once""""
"
156386,"Please stop saying Donald Trump is mean He can't even make an average president
"
55095,"Out of all the post you've see on reddit... this is one of them.
"
97957,"How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One narcissist. The narcissist holds the lightbulb in the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.
"
88201,"[punches shark on the nose[ shark: that wont stop me me: are u crying shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
"
112600,"Your wife and your lawyer are drowning. You have a choice to make: Lunch or the movies?
"
225101,"Me: you're like heroin. Her: Why? Because you're addicted to me? Me: No, because you're ruining my life.
"
149182,"Have you ever seen moth balls? You have? Then how the hell did you get their legs apart?
"
52991,"What happened to the muslim who smoked weed? They got stoned
"
58260,"What's the difference between a preschool and a brothel? You should know this you sick fuck.
"
140628,"Sluts should be called """"Humpty Dumpty"""" because first they get humped then they get dumped.
"
168275,"A mushroom goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, 'We don't serve your kind here."""" The mushroom says, """"Why not? I'm a fungi.""""
"
147704,"If I had a dollar for everytime I got laid... I'd be a prostitute.
"
227021,"What do you call an unambiguous body of water? The Specific Ocean
"
105887,"Insurance costs are so outrageous the only healthcare most Americans can afford is from Dr. Pepper.
"
50435,"Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect.
"
99869,"Mum, why do people in our family die so suddenly? Mum? Mum??? MUUUUM!!!!!!!!
"
137912,"When is the best time to go shopping? When the stores are open.
"
32075,"TIFU by hiring a hooker for the wife experience She took all my money and went shoe shopping.
"
9833,"At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.
"
34906,"""""How do you perform mediation?"""" """"Meditation? Uuuummmmmmm........""""
"
60153,"why did Hitler eat a lot of fish sticks? because he thought they were not seafood
"
104785,"Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop. I'll show myself out.
"
198161,"You probably solved a problem which Einstein couldn't solve because he didn't see it
"
48074,"""""Don't quote me on that."""" -anonymous
"
74510,"I don't trust stairs... They're always up to something
"
50738,"I like big buts and I cannot lie. But that doesn't necessarily make my grammar bad.
"
200012,"Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween ? It was for 'tick or tweet' !
"
14959,"Give me one reason why I shouldn't pass this math class """"You held up 2 fingers just now"""" Ok then give me that many reasons
"
75426,"What kind of people like Scottie's hair? Chubby 7th grade girls!
"
107331,"What did 0 say to 8? Nice Belt.
"
177294,"Each comment thread is a joke, but each user may only post one word. You may only comment one word, or reply with one word to another comment. Good luck!
"
169390,"I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
"
149924,"I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.
"
113582,"What did the dentist in the porno say? """"Your teeth are the whitest I've come across.""""
"
22336,"What would happen if pigs went on strike?  They'd form pigget lines.
"
145054,"Two dogs meet on the street and sniff each other... Finally one says, """"I don't recall your name but your feces familiar.""""
"
84121,"I need subtle fat jokes My wife is annoyingly pregnant. Give me your best.
"
4626,"Friend: You'll find love again. Me: STOP THREATENING ME
"
58575,"What do you get when you put a woman's face on a $10 bill? $2.23 in change.
"
149315,"Do you know what comes after the """"just the tip"""" argument? Balls..
"
112748,"Now that Harriet Tubman is on the $20... Is it only worth $12?
"
69262,"What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mother!
"
95448,"Since we are doing lightbulb jokes, here's one... Q: How many abstract artists does it to screw in a lightbulb? A: A fish!
"
115547,"Two Flies Two flies were sitting on a turd. One of the flies farts. The other fly looks at him and says, """"Hey! Do you mind? I'm trying to eat here.""""
"
130629,"I think mountains are funny.... they're *hill areas*
"
171541,"I haven't slept for 3 days... Because that would be way too long.
"
116353,"Please may I have a new bum? Mines got a crack in it
"
1671,"My new year's resolution is to stop procrastinating. . . I'm gonna start tomorrow
"
128127,"I imagine some people are like...: 'should I take the shower?...no...I'm taking the train today...'
"
655,"I don't always tell mom jokes But when i do, she laughs
"
48048,"I got a hair cut for $10 At this rate, its gonna cost me a million dollars to get them all cut.
"
189209,"Did you hear who just took on the biggest gentrification project in America? Donald J. Trump.
"
76943,"My father grounded me... He said if he ever saw me in front of the computer he'd smash my face in the keybouvuvwevwevwe Onyetenyevwe Ugwemubwem Ossass
"
111161,"What's the policy at French morgues? Baguette and tag it.
"
155094,"Sad to think this is the tallest I'll ever be, barring some kind of awesome mutation.
"
152580,"What does Han Solo see looking into the mirror? Han Double
"
170365,"No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
"
40615,"Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
"
25100,"Michael Jackson has left behind has been so influential... ...but I think more than any other artist, his legacy has been influenced by his coloured past.
"
161659,"[on way to play charades with gf's family] I don't wanna go why I don't wanna look silly you won't *first thing I have to act out is pasta*
"
120272,"Finally realizing that Hotel California is about Twitter. """"...you can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave...""""
"
118877,"What does an airplane and a female have in common? They both have cockpits.
"
59048,"Michigan is the First State to Welcome Back Sub-$1 Gas Just flip on your water faucet and you'll get it for free
"
96521,"Why was Jon walking backwards on the first day of school? Everyone kept saying it was back to school time.
"
115404,"I've come a long way since attaching a big jet propeller to my sperm duct
"
27717,"What is a Jedi's favorite salad dressing? Skywalker Ranch.
"
111388,"What is the difference between red wine and women I let the red wine breathe when I'm having sex with it.
"
207203,"What does a German say at a Dude Ranch? AUDI.
"
135954,"How do you make a cat bark? Soak it in lighter fluid, throw a match on it. Woof!
"
10730,"Why did the sperm cross the road..? I accidentally put on the wrong sock today....
"
140893,"Wrong womam or wrong finger? Funny Joke A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
"
196123,"Co-worker: What's the difference between astronomy & astrology? Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
"
99353,"I wrote a joke about pigeons. Stoned pigeon poetry: High Coo
"
156074,"A drunk sits down in the taxi... Taxi driver: """"Where to?"""" """"Home"""" """"Ehh... could you be more specific?"""" """"The living room""""
"
52126,"What does have eyes but can't see, has legs but can't walk, and has wings but can't fly? A dead bird.
"
95481,"Torn this election season. I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president. But I'm also curious about the apocalypse.
"
62515,"Hard to concentrate on work with Arbor Day so close.
"
136537,"What lives in the sea and preys on mermaids? Jack The Kipper.
"
168425,"*installs google translate* *looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal* *finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
"
101681,"I saw a black guy running down the street carrying a tv I thought for a second, """"man that looks a lot like mine' so I ran home quick and nope there was mine still shining my shoes.
"
159094,"A guy walks into a bar... his face gets bruised, his phone shatters on the concrete, and the Pokemon gets away.
"
44159,"I really wish I knew who kicked the jack under the car which I was working on.. .. the suspension is killing me.
"
205197,"The fish's piano was making weird noises. Guess it was out of tuna.
"
14105,"The future The world in 10 years... MTV announcer: a new punk rock band making its way to the top 100... Band leader: I'm sorry did you just assume our genre?
"
212944,"You can't sugar coat the truth with fat people... Or they'd probably eat that too.
"
192883,"Who has to always be on there toes? A midget at a urinal.
"
81607,"What's considered an homemade gift in China? An IPhone.
"
92856,"A guy goes to the Olympics and sees a man carrying a long pole. The guy asks - Are you a pole vaulter? The man replies - No I'm German - how did you know my name is Walter?
"
114029,"Having a child with down syndrome really is the best deal. You buy 46 chromosomes, and get one free.
"
72006,"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because, he ate the pizza before it was cool.
"
14656,"What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist!
"
71377,"When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45. They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
"
218362,"What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
"
228036,"I'd have liked to have ridden a llama into 2011. Shit gets serious when you see someone galloping down the street on llama sipping Tequila.
"
219622,"Why would Helen Keller be a terrible driver? She's dead.
"
114959,"What do little green men do to stay in shape? They do Yoda.
"
127761,"Went to the doctor today and my many years of phone sex has finally caught up with me. I have hearing AIDS now.
"
229256,"I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.' But maybe I'm overreacting.
"
50053,"What do you call a nosy pepper? Jalapeno Business! (say with sass)
"
145974,"Beetlejuice 2 has been announced and is bringing Keaton back but without Winona... They were afraid she'd steal the show. /me drops the mic and walks off stage waving a pop tart
"
87133,"What does a mathematician do when they have constipation....? They work it out with a pencil!
"
5368,"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. Because they always take things literally.
"
122666,"Oh ya, let's sit down and talk about it! *That's how I end and win any argument with hubby.
"
119318,"Three old deaf men on a train in London Deaf man number one says 'IS THIS WEMBLEY?' The second man replies 'NO IT'S THURSDAY.' and the third man replies 'ME TO. LETS GET OFF AND HAVE A PINT'
"
14294,"What happened when Bush took Bin Laden's Lunch Money? 9/11.
"
139144,"How do lesbian carpenters work? No studs. All tongue in groove.
"
39968,"Crazy man has sex with machine at laundromat and evades police Nut screws washer and bolts
"
209336,"If I had a dollar for every time a woman find me attractive... I'd have a dollar, thanks mom
"
105581,"One guy says to another, """"I feel like a million bucks!"""" And the other guy says, """"Me, too! But how can we get it?"""" Title.
"
98791,"Two Communists are hanging out at a nudist park... One says, """"So, have you read Marx?"""" """"Yeah, it's these damn wicker chairs.""""
"
221944,"So I told my girlfriend... """"Hey, wanna try anal?"""" She lost her shit on me.
"
208464,"Apple has created a new product only for the Chinese It's called i-opener
"
197384,"George Clooney goes through life knowing no one has ever hit 'Ignore' in the history of 'George Clooney' appearing on Caller IDs
"
49266,"A cleaning service of men who think a hot girl is coming over in 20 minutes.
"
83390,"How do you know when you're staying in a hillbilly hotel? When you call the front desk and say, """"I gotta leak in my sink,"""" and the clerk replies, """"okay, Go ahead.""""
"
137822,"Adult joke My friend said the way he would want to die by blowjob, i told him it would be a quick death.
"
19164,"I like stuffed animals. Oven baked with breadcrumb stuffing.
"
20034,"Why did 8 break up with 7? Because 7 always came first!!!
"
179226,"I'm going to change my name to Benefits' Now when you add me on Facebook it will say """"You are now friends with benefits.""""
"
28909,"Did i ever tell you the story about how I climed mount everest? I made it up
"
136006,"The doc gave me some bad news today... I was deficient in VITAMIN U.
"
43113,"teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker me: oh im not a thinker
"
26237,"I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl with one hand. It's 42.
"
40849,"In a misguided attempt to become a superhero I let a spider bite me. My super power became crying louder than a newborn.
"
148957,"Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask? Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face* Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
"
189194,"What do you call a Mexican guy with one rubber toe? Roberto
"
103457,"Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is.
"
102761,"If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted
"
72527,"Why did the octopus become an electrician? Because many hands make light work.
"
213507,"Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine. Intellectual powerhouse. Right here.
"
172217,"Why was the Sun mad at all the clouds? Because they kept throwin shade
"
58817,"10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she's gonna be a drug mule.
"
109464,"[sifting through mail] baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
"
61559,"I was cured of lycanthropy. Now I'm a were-wolf.
"
139538,"I'm sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says """"oh great, dinner and a show."""" Priceless.
"
215717,"What rabbit wears on his back while flying? Eagle
"
153280,"What do you get when you mix a prostitute and a midget? A little fuck
"
90139,"Waiter this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir thats because it was only ground this morning.
"
162835,"I do whatever I can to fight poverty So the other day, I punched a tramp (Courtesy of Milton Jones)
"
133357,"One of my terrorist friends decided to bomb our only good coffee machine in all of Yemen... Pissed as hell, he said he hates french press
"
16024,"I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
"
52329,"What did the horse say to whinnie the pooh while watching his t.v. show? I wish I could hear you whinnie.
"
76622,"I spent 2 years in rehab for my Phil Collins addiction. I did it against all odds. Just take a look at me now.
"
85705,"You're not an American until you've eaten more than the serving suggestion.
"
203119,"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
"
113123,"""""Florence + the Machine"""" would be a funny name for a Leonardo da Vinci biopic. Follow this account for more goodass Renaissance tweets
"
98493,"There are two cavemen sitting by a fire... One is eating some bugs he found, and he says to the other, """"You like beetles?"""" and his friend says, """"No,*CRUNCH CRUNCH*, me more of a stones guy.""""
"
79686,"""""A Vegan...like Mr. Spock?"""" """"No mom...that's a Vulcan.""""
"
151815,"There is a place I like to go when I want to be totally alone... ...it's called Google Plus.
"
34784,"Can anyone answer why they've kept the name Lynchburg? Come on, don't leave me hanging.
"
158724,"I'm in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend's in the future.
"
123437,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and the Jews? Harry made it out of the chamber.
"
135354,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Arfur ! Arfur who ? Arfur got !
"
14846,"I don't have shit to say and
"
155474,"Why did the ordinary man eat all the magic mushrooms? Because he wanted to be a fungi.
"
67778,"What is the difference between a Train and an Hamster ? The train got windows
"
198699,"Why Does Snoop Dogg need an umbrella? For drizzle, my nizzle. :D
"
199378,"Donald Trump &amp; Mexican Are At Bar On The Boarder Mexican Grill
"
102104,"What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?  """"Hi Buster.""""
"
2263,"pull my upvote
"
213849,"What's the difference between a 10 year old and a stripper? .... you better fuqing know you sick fuck!
"
91340,"What do you get when you mix a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic? Someone who lies awake at night wondering if there's a dog
"
12079,"Didn't think these orthopedic shoes would work, but I stand corrected.
"
95561,"Why do they refer to network ports as female? Because when they stop talking to you, you never know why.
"
170332,"What do you get when you mix pie and onions? Opinions!
"
16296,"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance..... ..... I'll show him
"
196069,"Why does a chicken coup only have two doors? Because if they had four doors they'd be called chicken sedans.
"
59768,"You know those slices of American cheese you get from the supermarket? You're not going to be able to buy those anymore. Since Trump is going to make America grate again, apparently.
"
58969,"Another Santa-Banta Joke During sex ,Santa suddenly stops &amp; remains motionless.... Wife: What the hell are you doing? Santa: I have seen this on youtube... Its called BUFFERING
"
178501,"*wears an """"Only God Can Judge Me"""" t-shirt to court*
"
179432,"Dark humor is like food Some people don't get it
"
127374,"I just want to wear futuristic clothes & run up to people, ask them what year it is and the date and run away screaming """"There's still time""""
"
90210,"What do you call a criminal dwarf on an escalator? A little con-descending
"
224661,"Everytime someone call me fat,I cut myself... A slice of pizza,who want some?
"
159274,"This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
"
220707,"Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! 
"
46670,"I went to a cemetery today. The entire time I was there my phone didn't have any service. I must have been in a dead zone.
"
36104,"What do you call a smart blond? A golden retriever.
"
129361,"This whole VW car thing makes me think... ...Have you been mis-sold TDI?
"
200003,"if they changed the rules so you could wear timbs instead of skates black ppl would take over hockey
"
154609,"(True story) So my friend saw me browsing this subreddit and he said... """"Is this a subreddit for really bad jokes?""""
"
36613,"Have you ever seen the house Ray Charles lived in? Neither did he.
"
18480,"So glad Facebook has changed the layout again!!  Said no one, ever...
"
193079,"Whats the best part of having sex with a transvestite? Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.
"
178997,"Johnny Depp dresses like a human dreamcatcher.
"
8741,"An amoralist, a nihilist, and a world-weary cynic walk into a bar. The bartender says """"Sorry, we don't serve minors in here."""".
"
19607,"A guy just yelled at me for tweeting and driving. I told him to get off my fucking hood and mind his own business.
"
103725,"What happens When a Pigeoner and a Falconer move in next door Feathers get ruffled
"
203125,"The Dumb Blonde Quiz
"
203297,"How many liberals does it take to change a lightbulb None, because change can only come from a revolution of the working classes.
"
92677,"Kudos to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie! They really went out of their way to make their adoptive African children feel like a part of an authentic American family by getting a divorce.
"
7957,"My girlfriend told me that if I ever cheated on her, it would be worse if it was with a black girl. I told her she was wrong. It'd only be three-fifths as bad.
"
75604,"Scientist believe that coworkers are the main reason why humans developed middle fingers.
"
124130,"CLERK: $3.74 ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
"
146064,"How do you turn a fox into a whale? Marry her.
"
72677,"Why did the monkey trip over the branch? Because the Chimp-Can't -See
"
153613,"When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
"
139425,"It's really hard being a good mother in this day and age. Especially when you're a college aged male with no kids.
"
51797,"Have you heard about the new male contraceptive pill? You put it in your shoe, and it makes you limp.
"
169628,"Bruce Jenner's Gender. . . Is turning into a real Brucehaha
"
164680,"Dating must've been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.
"
98233,"Why did the walrus go to the tupperware party? To find a tight seal
"
143473,"Couldn't look worse today. Time to run into an ex...
"
32004,"What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones ? Hush puppies !
"
98719,"""""Tired"""" isn't even a temporary state for me anymore it's more like a part of my personality at this point.
"
176020,"What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. Eh, it works better if you tell it out loud, but you get the ... eye-dea.
"
202588,"Why couldn't the candle get any sleep? There's no rest for the wicked.
"
116461,"What do Naturopathic doctors use to keep up with their finances? Quackbooks!
"
36807,"Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers? Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato? Exec: damn that's so good
"
226782,"Free Tibet! With purchase of equal or greater Tibet.
"
204457,"I took a photo of the thing I use to play my guitar. It was a lovely pic.
"
44156,"I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg...making me a MERMAID!
"
116520,"36 - 24 - 36 - 24 - 36 - 24 - 36 - 24 - 36? Haha. Only if she's a giant caterpillar.
"
183738,"What's the coldest part of a man's body? His balls. Two below.
"
124114,"When I get overly proud of America, I simply remember that in 1999 we made Mambo No. 5 a number one hit.
"
82790,"I dropped two bucks yesterday... Third one got away.
"
78006,"Standing on a corner waving an advertisement sign is a sweet job, but probably unnerving knowing you could be replaced anytime with a stick.
"
188195,"Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet? Because they can spend years at C!
"
177792,"911: What's your emergency? Me: Do you think I'm pretty
"
130531,"Yesterday CNN reported that """"sitting will kill you, even if you exercise"""" and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
"
82459,"Cute cat """"Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds"""" You mean sheds? """"No"""" [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
"
135105,"Did you hear about the guy in the park dressed up as a duck? He was arrested for selling quack
"
41272,"I was going to build my own bicycle but I couldn't be bothered... Two tired
"
90073,"How do you kill a German? Put them in front of a red light in the middle of the desert.
"
122592,"Why does having sex outside suck? NSFW Because of the fucking mosquitoes.
"
172619,"Genesis is my favorite rock group who've been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
"
131908,"Why are men afraid of the world? They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.
"
155485,"I'm not saying she's a slut... But she's been banged more times than the first pipe on flappy bird
"
179410,"My friend was writing checks that his butt can't cash... it's because his butt didn't have a valid id
"
106907,"So a celebrity fired a gun at someone today She was a shooting star
"
4637,"murderers are my pet peeve. im a real chill dude until i get murdered, then you better be prepared to have some sarcasm thrown your way
"
224517,"Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
"
28115,"Today is Tax Day. It's going to be a tough day for the few hundred people in the U.S. that are still making an income.
"
31627,"Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he only uses the finest ingredients.
"
86129,"I'm too old to still be """"getting too old for this."""" I've arrived.
"
17972,"I'm pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.
"
88944,"What's the difference between a bad coffee in Switzerland and a bad coffee in Italy? When you drink a bad coffee in Switzerland you say, """"Merci!"""".
"
43345,"A guy calls his local butchery... - Do you have chicken paws? - Yes - Do you have chicken wings? - Yes, I do - Do you have pig's head? - Sure - You must look really funny then
"
75996,"Q: Which is the most courteous State in the US? A: Conetiquette
"
56800,"Why did the anthropologist eat a lot of yogurt? So that he could understand culture.
"
199834,"""""Let's go around the room & name our biggest fears"""" SUPERMAN: Kryptonite BATMAN: Bats MARIO: When a turtle slowly walks in my direction
"
227162,"Why was the geometry teacher so dizzy? Cause he kept going in circles...
"
205045,"Two packets of crisps were walking down the street. A car slows down beside them and asks if they wanted a ride to where they were going. The crisps replied 'no, we're Walkers'
"
110691,"When I say I go to the gym religiously, that usually means every christmas and easter.
"
36333,"What's the difference between skinny and squat? I never took a skinny on a girl's chest.
"
72849,"Why was the electrolytic solution taken to court? It was charged with a salt.
"
179456,"How did Adolf tie his shoes? With two knotzies.
"
13804,"Questionably funny """"Knock Knock"""" """"Who's there?"""" """"Police"""" """"Police who?"""" """"Police open the door"""" Posted this in anti-jokes since it is not really funny, and was told to put it here.
"
157973,"conjunctivitis.com - that's a site for sore eyes.
"
23335,"Started a karate club for people who don't know karate we just do moves we see in movies lemme know if you're interested old ppl are welcome
"
178310,"Light a fire for a man and he'll be warm for an hour... light him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
59322,"A roman centurion walks into a bar and orders a martinus. The barkeeper looks at him and says """"mate, don't you mean a martini?"""" The centurio answers """"if i wanted a double i would've ordered it!""""
"
209763,"""""It's been months since I got laid."""" - Baby chickens
"
126662,"I like my women like I like my coffee! Ground up and in the freezer.
"
193648,"Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.
"
136052,"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's some obscure number.. You've probably never heard of it
"
85122,"Had Irish 7 coarse meal for lunch today 6 pack and a baked potato. Was delicious!
"
126444,"I was once addicted to time travel But that's all in the past now
"
128101,"Why don't people eat clocks? It's too time consuming.
"
90796,"Why do children have middle names? So they *know for sure* that they are in deep shit.
"
182402,"sometimes I wonder if Einstein's friends were ever able to say """"nice work, Einstein"""" without sounding sarcastic
"
204605,"What's it like to have sex with a retard? SLOW and SPECIAL
"
131052,"There's a question in the exam that said, """"What is the past tense of 'think'?"""" So I thought and thought and thought and eventually I picked 'thinked'.
"
206551,"*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa* You crazy? Security will hear us Security: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE? NOTHING Security: ALRIGHT
"
10275,"Ask /r/personalfinance to draw you a line, they deliver a circle. They always make ends meet!
"
206821,"I hope Jeremy Corben is successful in his new chosen career! I didn't really rate him as a comedian, he was especially bad in The Wrong Man's.
"
150185,"What song was playing at Pulse last Saturday night? """"It's Raining Men""""
"
227500,"What did the fast food employee do when he decided to quit? He chicken tendered his resignation.
"
56880,"Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to join search for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370
"
141600,"wife: I was saving that me [eating bacon] It expires today *wife checks package* *sees I crossed out the date and wrote """"today""""*
"
82818,"Recipes sound good until you realize that you don't have $846 worth of spices in your house.
"
198701,"My child's first name Is going to be look
"
89612,"What do ghosts do when they're sad? They get in an elevator to lift their spirits.
"
180394,"Why don't they have a concert on the moon? No atmosphere
"
50799,"I told my girlfriend that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
"
180738,"[Travels back in time] Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future? Lincoln: United as one nation... Me: Wrong! FATTER.
"
227803,"I like my women like I like my coffee Ground up and in the freezer.
"
6274,"""""A smile is like tight underwear...it makes your cheeks go up.
"
201753,"*wakes up* nooooooo
"
133332,"The wife left a note by the TV today saying """"Its not working, I'm leaving"""" I plugged it in, turned it on, nothing wrong with it stupid cow!
"
77511,"Why are the Jews angry about the new $20 bill? Because it's only worth $12 now
"
19221,"FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job ME: My dogter loves hers F: You mean dau.. ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She's a dogtor
"
140351,"If European in the bathroom, who's the guy on the floor? Himalayan
"
49160,"I'm pretty sure today is one of my family members birthday..... I should probably """"unblock"""" them and check.
"
134557,"They say that American beer is like having sex on a canoe. It's fucking close to water.
"
216782,"A lot of people think the medical drama """"House"""" is funny.... but I think it Hugh-Laurie-ious!
"
221493,"Why did the bike fall over? It was too tired
"
158463,"Where do French lawyers like to relax? The J'accusi
"
215951,"I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
"
85323,"What kind of chips do you eat in the bath? Shower cream and onion.
"
195657,"How can you tell if someone is a pilot? They'll just tell you.
"
97391,"If we really want our kids to be smarter, we should require pornstars to moan historical facts during sex
"
184777,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Why do you care? Shouldn't he be able to cross the road without having his motive questioned? Now let me just... exit through that conveniently placed door..
"
15758,"Has anyone ever told you what it's like to be royally screwed? Let me fill you in.
"
223765,"What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot? Pretzalcoatl
"
226538,"If I went to the capitol of South Korea with my Australian girlfriend Would that make her my Seoul-Mate?
"
88544,"Do you know there is a serial number printed on every condom? I guess you haven't rolled it down far enough.
"
13391,"I swallowed a 1 coin today.. ..I went to the hospital and after poking around for 10 minutes he stuck his head up and said 'ok go home, come back if there's any change' Tight bastard!
"
148735,"An app like Tinder that can find me episodes of Law & Order SVU I haven't seen.
"
215735,"Take a trip to Japan and wash away your worries!
"
56901,"Why shouldn't you kiss anybody on New Years Day? Because it's the first date.
"
50482,"Where is Engagement, Ohio? Between Dayton and Marion.
"
118645,"I m at the ATM when a robber holding his gun at my back... He asks: do you want to see your family again? I said """"no"""". We both had a good laugh.
"
33976,"I have this horrible tofu joke I'm afraid to post... It's really tasteless.
"
180139,"What did Moses say when Isaiah told him the levy had burst? God Dam It!
"
122408,"What are cranes made of? Cranium.
"
147966,"It only takes a second to show a person how much you feel about them. The police call it indecent exposure, but whatever...
"
165688,"How does one find out the sensitivity of a gentleman's balls? Test tickles
"
99173,"Did you hear about the soldier who had the entire left side of his body blown off? He's all right!
"
195008,"""""Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus"""" is on, followed by """"Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus"""". Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
"
126175,"Al Pacino's brother is steaming that his parents... named him Cap.
"
36541,"Why do robots make bad lovers? Nuts &amp; bolts!
"
104207,"Takes a very specific type of confidence to drop off your hoodie at coat check.
"
110444,"How can you tell what clan a Scottish man is from? Look under his kilt and if he has a quarter pounder then he is a McDonald.
"
56502,"A nurse puts her hand in her pocket, finds a rectal thermometer and exclaims.... """"Some arsehole's got my pen!""""
"
123206,"Why can elephants swim - and aardvarks can't? Aardvarks don't have trunks!
"
224159,"The 1670s called. Not sure how.
"
160479,"Where does a fish keep his life savings? In a riverbank :D
"
125982,"How do you know your friends are pleased with your Facebook post? They like it!
"
73488,"How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two? One.... or two?
"
55611,"Fred: Did you hear about the Irish window cleaner who put a sign at the top of his ladder? Harry: What did the sign say? Fred: Stop.
"
29787,"[interrogation] What were u doing last nite? I was killin my neighbour, Bert. Louder for the tape? [leans in] Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
"
99879,"So a centaur walks into a bar The bartender says, """"Hey, how's the sore throat?"""" The centaur replies, """"My throat isn't horse but my legs are.""""
"
125391,"There are three ways a man wears his hair - parted- unparted or departed
"
117750,"For some reason I'm an extremely secretive person. Don't ask me why
"
14494,"Hi, I'm bisexual. I'd like to BUY you a drink...and then get sexual.
"
6836,"Hey, did you hear about the Mexican-Indian twins that just moved in next door? They're identical too! Once you've seen Juan, you've seen Jamal.
"
219677,"Out for the Count by Esau Stars
"
77014,"My mate threw a beer bottle at my head It didn't break the skin but it left a nasty Brews
"
145502,"Why do cows have hooves and not feet? Because they lactose.
"
215020,"Two cats decided to commit suicide by jumping off a cliff... The first cat jumped. The other was too much of a pussy.
"
228813,"It's funny how certain scents can bring back memories of people we associated with those scents like how I remember my ex every time I take a shit.
"
190891,"Vaginas are living proof... That beauty truly does lie on the inside.
"
98944,"Egg and a sausage sizzling away in a frying pan The egg says """"fuck me its hot in here"""". The sausage goes """"fuck me, a talking egg!""""
"
169313,"Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes? Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.
"
4646,"Just bought diapers and toilet paper because all my family does is shit.
"
161670,"Mehh ~Goat, sighing..
"
217701,"Knock Knock... Knock knock Who's there? Boo. Boo who? No need to cry, it's only a joke.
"
136539,"I've been clicking """"remind me later"""" on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I'm not interested?
"
132186,"HR: You can't urinate outside. Me: Then how will we keep the jellyfish away? HR: Can you take a drug test? Me: Nope, I'm all out of urine
"
215069,"What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker? Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*
"
214659,"I like my women how I like my books With an amazing climax
"
34918,"Knock Knock Who's there ? Cheese ! Cheese who ? Cheese a jolly good fellow !
"
183225,"My girlfriend and I step outside to smoke As soon as we get outside shes says, """"brrrrr, it's windy!"""" And I responded, """"actually, its mondy""""
"
215065,"In a movie theater crowd watches a movie. During funny moments only one person laughs. Confusingly, he turns around and explains: """"Sorry, I haven't seen the trailer.""""
"
78943,"What do you call a boat that looks like a penis? A Freudian ship
"
174693,"you know what really turns on a nerd? unprotected wifi
"
64015,"I changed my wifi name to """"14.4k dial up connection"""" so no one would bother stealing my signal.
"
121223,"What would you call two bananas? A pair of slippers.
"
5831,"Does the employee manual say I CAN'T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
"
202786,"If it was Raining Men I doubt anyone'd say Hallelujah. Pretty sure people'd be screaming things like, """"Augh! That guy just killed my mom!""""
"
45796,"My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.
"
85987,"BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson's next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
"
151019,"I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
"
74791,"French toast is just like regular toast but with a tongue in it
"
111951,"Lol I wanted to be funny, well, then I remembered I am not even funny..
"
153269,"Hi everyone, are you all alright? No, you are all al-left.
"
182095,"A joke from my 5 year old brother... Q: What has four legs but doesn't move? A: A statue of a dog!
"
17032,"Another Dad Joke Dad: Guess who I saw today? Kid: Who? Dad: Everyone I looked at!
"
76426,"q: what's green and yellow and hangs from trees? a: gorilla snot.
"
91094,"LPT: If someone is stubbornly blocking the isle at the supermarket with their shopping cart THINK before trying to ram them. You might be standing in front of a mirror. :/
"
218751,"Cinderella walks into a bar... """"I'd like a glass of shoes, please""""
"
147949,"I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
"
124524,"The ending for Toy Story 3 only Andy sells his toys to get weed money and makes a bong out of Mr. Potato Head.
"
33235,"Women always complain about periods. Talk to me when ovaries become supersensitive, hang in a thin sac and you accidentally sit on them.
"
98606,"A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.... A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, """"Is this some kind of joke?""""
"
432,"""""911, what's your emergency?"""" Me: A cute guy at the laundromat walked past me while I was folding my period underwear.
"
49641,"i was going to tell a gay joke... buttfuckit
"
139029,"[supermarket] *Unpacks 60 items of groceries onto checkout area* CHECKOUT GIRL: I have a boyfriend. ME: Oh, OK. *slowly repacks trolley*
"
90067,"What does a ninja use to measure someone's pulse A **stealthoscope**
"
13558,"There once was a soldier named Private Acid HQ called him back. When he got to home base, he was found neutralized.
"
68838,"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? Sometimes a canoe tips!
"
223903,"I was once stoned in Memphis And I entered this weird contest where you had to walk on famous Jessicas. I was walking with my feet 10 ft off a Beal.
"
62562,"down vote this do it
"
115643,"I've been winning egg hunts since before I was even born.
"
146993,"Can someone help me find some videos of Al Gore dancing? I'm trying to solve a Rubik's cube and a friend told me that using Al Gore Rhythms could help.
"
58029,"What's another word for a penis potato? A dictator
"
219486,"What does Bill Clinton tell Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 45 min.
"
138978,"An average teenage boy nowadays has seen more naked women than all of their ancestors put together.
"
31406,"facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
"
207985,"How are Princess Diana and Pink Floyd alike? Their last big hit was The Wall.
"
6074,"If you're unsure if you're pregnant or not that's called a maby
"
143937,"""""Oh great. Another puppy."""" - Sarah McLachlan's friends at Christmas
"
130124,"What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickleback
"
84540,"Why are there only 49 'Black Miss America' contestants? Because none of them want to be Miss I-da-ho
"
173954,"If God had wanted you to talk more than listen, he would have given you two mouths and one ear.
"
194421,"A man walks into a bar with some tarmac under his arm... And said: """"one for me and one for the road""""
"
118248,"Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool.
"
79860,"What does a clam do on his birthday?  He shellabrates!
"
50173,"Why do we call lady parts beavers? Because they devour wood.
"
184267,"Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph. Make sense? Welcome to Twitter.
"
47486,"What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only occasionally does something retarded come out of her vagina.
"
10043,"I hate it when people pretend they know everything about culture when they talk about Mozart They probably have never seen any of his paintings.
"
220023,"Brown and sticky Whats Brown and sticky? A Stick
"
172956,"When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, """"she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy"""" not """"drinking alone 2 nights in a row""""
"
40935,"What does a tornado and a red-neck divorce have in common? Either way someone's going to lose a trailer.
"
51165,"I'm confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?
"
121879,"Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
"
230663,"I lost my girlfriend recently. Then the topic moved away from science and she was fine again.
"
49096,"What do you call a root vegetable wearing a tank top? A bro-tato
"
32880,"time zones are amazing, it's a different time all around the world! for example, in some parts of the U.S, it's still 1950
"
160769,"Why do gorillas have big noses? Because they have big fingers.
"
35884,"A group of dogs walk into a University. They approach the receptionist who says, """"Hi, can I help you?"""" """"Yeah,"""" one of the dogs reply, """"We wanna see our Masters.""""
"
123070,"My cat just showed it's holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
"
54267,"What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
"
66891,"No Linda, I CAN'T believe how early it's getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn't.
"
131338,"Im starting to see the bright side of being single.. ..If I tip the bottle towards the ceiling, light shines right through the Vodka. Facinating
"
213200,"The first Matrix director coming out as a trans-woman felt bold, unexpected and original.... .... the second one? Ehh... not so much.
"
137806,"What do you call a girl on her period? Call her next week.
"
10748,"What's the difference between eugenics and a charity marathon? The second one is a race for the cure. Source:http://www.smbc-comics.com/?id=3180
"
130781,"Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.
"
40524,"A man walks into a bar... And is disqualified from the Limbo tournament
"
104616,"The sperm is swimming towards the egg... The breakfast is ruined!
"
31510,"I covered myself from head to toe in mirrors today. I don't really know why, maybe I'm just at that age where you do a lot of reflecting...
"
222818,"What happened when Apple added the new touchbar? They're taking away functions, and there's no escape.
"
90717,"I watched Canadian porn today... 2 girls 1 Stanley Cup ----------------- Credit Jeff Ross
"
90003,"What's the difference between me and a calendar? The calendar has dates *sigh*
"
184127,"*Lowers thermostat* *Dad puts it back* *Lowers thermostat again* *Dad puts it back again* The real Cold War
"
227324,"What does Hitler hate about leg day ? Mein Krampf
"
185033,"What does a WoW player with tubercolosis say when he ends a conversation? TBC
"
159008,"What do hookers do on their night off:  type?
"
156185,"I'll say it: fuck you, old people.
"
71072,"If three men are arguing about whether to be known as Jews, Israelis, or Hebrews... ...would you say they're just arguing Semitics?
"
62719,"Bill Cosby and Ben Roethlisberger walk into a bar... I don't remember what happened next.
"
142531,"He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
"
195147,"I don't have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
"
71699,"What did the Earth say to the Earthquake? Sorry...that was my fault.
"
25618,"There's someone out there for everyone. Don't worry if you're alone, your true love is just having sex with someone else right now.
"
119997,"How do you call the current situation in Syria? Very syrias
"
191278,"Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg and some days you're that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
"
63845,"I got a new cat from the inner city shelter. So far he seems fine, except for needing to go outside every hour for a cigarette.
"
26141,"Did you hear about the Georgia  accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?
"
190523,"Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
"
155700,"My cocaine is so white Police let it go with a warning
"
50204,"I pull more tail.. ..than a slow kid at a petting zoo.
"
35657,"while getting ready for the hurricane I noticed there was less people in the snack isle than the water isle... I'm just kidding, I live in America.
"
42275,"Really no offense ladies,but why do all of you go on about your weight..then post all this food that would clog and  artery...
"
103811,"*scrolling through Liam Neeson action movies* Sigh, why are all the good ones either GREY or TAKEN
"
52587,"What has four legs and yells """"Hodi doh, hodi doh?"""" Two black guys trying to catch an elevator.
"
33223,"Why is King Kong big and hairy? So you can tell him apart from a gooseberry.
"
144974,"The sun is in so many movies.. It's like one giant star!
"
65312,"All it takes is 10 minutes without electricity to prove my total uselessness as a person.
"
2665,"How do you break up with a farmer long-distance? A John Deere letter.
"
146330,"Me: I'm a tenor. Her: You're a six, and I'm being generous.
"
143717,"5: Mommy said I'm a big boy and can't sleep in her bed anymore Me [sleeping on couch] she's right son
"
157989,"Hey everyone in a play pretending to drive a car - stop steering so much.
"
200567,"Why was President Banana of Zimbabwe elected? He had great appeal. - Courtesy of my dad.
"
10236,"The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
"
44098,"What's brown and sticky? A stick
"
79420,"When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day. Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.
"
52091,"Why does a German always have the last laugh? He has to wait for the verb.
"
25527,"Why are gametes best suited to advertising careers? Because sex cells.
"
193004,"What's the worst thing about being a black Jew? You have to sit at the back of the oven.
"
136979,"ME: I hate owls [Owl turns his head 180] OWL: What? ME: Oh I didn't see you there OWL: Are you talking behind my back? ME: I'm...I'm not sure
"
108919,"[final debate] TRUMP: I'd like to apologize to hillary MODERATOR: umm ok HILLARY: umm ok TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
"
129992,"If I was a coach, time outs would be awkward silences ending with, """"So, any good YouTube stuff?""""
"
231128,"Wife: We need to go to the store. We're out of milk. Me: We can wait a few days. Wife: We're out of beer. Me: *dives in the car*
"
65059,"*cape flaps in the wind* Me: Are you ready to defend freedom for another day, Captain K? Mom: Quit blocking the fan and put the cat down.
"
166642,"What is Vladimir Putins favorite food? Peaches and Krim
"
72063,"Did you hear the one about the sidewalks? It's all over the streets.
"
186632,"My mom told me today that she is surprised I don't have a cat. I told her I was surprised she has a husband.
"
89211,"[stubs toe] """"GOD DAMMIT"""" God: No problem, bro. [toe goes to Hell]
"
42473,"Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
"
25367,"Most days I feel like three kids stacked up on each other's shoulders, covered by a huge coat, trying to pass as one of all these grown-ups.
"
19518,"I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.
"
216743,"I'd like to... I'd like to buy a new boomerang please. Also can you tell me how to throw the old one away?
"
123801,"How much of northern Canada is livable? *Nunavut*
"
93373,"Why did Hitler lose WWII? He did NAZI it coming
"
23566,"My girlfriend said I talked just like Justin Bieber... ...I said, """"What do you mean?""""
"
46460,"Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for 'reindeer related delays.'
"
202379,"What did the cow say under its breath? Utter.
"
21587,"Did you hear Lance Armstrong lied The ball of some people
"
157344,"Who's concerts cost only 45 cents to attend? 50 Cent ft. Nickelback
"
11506,"What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean? I've never had a garbanzo bean in my bed.
"
74568,"<- I've been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
"
12018,"Q: Why did the haunted house not like rain? A: Because it dampened his spirits.
"
98036,"Cosmo says """"untamed va-jay-jays"""" are back in style. Can't they call them car wash mitts like the rest of us?
"
92238,"My favorite one-liner. So, I was with this blind chick last night. She said, """"You have the biggest penis I ever felt!"""" I said, """"Ahh, you're pulling my leg.""""
"
212334,"Is it bad to hate a certain race? Because I despise the 100 meter
"
8180,"Santa is always jolly, he knows where the naughty girls live.
"
195235,"Bridge is like sex If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
"
180601,"Why did the young soldier go off searching for a wounded prostitute? A cowboy told him there was a hoedown.
"
69285,"How did Hitler tie his shoelaces? In cute little knotsies!
"
25399,"Whats the difference between 3 big cocks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
"
118712,"DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early.
"
97508,"China and Russia are having a friendly discussion... Russia: """"I bet you couldn't kill that group of Buddhist monks over there"""" China: """"Do you want Tibet?""""
"
189550,"What do you call a black man who flies a plane for a living? A pilot you fucking racist!
"
42315,"Did you hear about the paranoid dyslexic? He thought he was following someone.
"
69831,"A bird can fly... But a fly can't bird.
"
70602,"The Better Paleo Diet I'm on the Paleo diet, except I'm the caveman who discovered Snickers.
"
23986,"This says it all... It all.
"
111468,"What's a young monkey's favorite time of the school day? Rhesus.
"
142919,"What do cops and sports photographers have in common? They get paid to shoot black men.
"
65307,"If John Lennon made a rap song today It would go... I'm in love with the Yoko! Them other Beatles thinking oh no! Now they wanna go solo! But no one give a fuck about Ringo!
"
118606,"I'm selling a used French rifle Never been fired, only dropped once.
"
155481,"Have you ever wondered where they got the name """"Canada""""? C, eh. N, eh. D, eh.
"
184028,"how many chefs does it take to change a,light bulb ? one to do it, and five others to tell him how they did it differently in their last kitchen.
"
156820,"A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, """"Is this some kind of joke?""""
"
125294,"My friend said to me, """"If I wasn't mixing cocktails, I'd be a criminal."""" ..... Either way, he's behind bars.
"
186931,"Just watched the documentary FOOD, INC. And I'm absolutely disgusted. From now on, I'm only having sex with organic chickens.
"
36761,"Did you know there is a town in Pennsylvania with the same same as one of the Great Lakes? It's eerie.
"
75454,"Love yourself. But, not in public. That's illegal.
"
174499,"Me: """"The only person I need in my life is you."""" Bartender: """"Please stop trying to hold my hand.""""
"
158134,"Something, something, camouflage. Lol. No one is commenting because they are pretending they can't see my post. That's so Meta.
"
25726,"The average speed of ejaculation is 28 mph. Which, unfortunately, makes it illegal to ejaculate in a school zone when children are present.
"
123296,"If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
"
131916,"The declawed cats that I feel most sorry for are the ones that want to play scratch off lottery tickets.
"
30817,"this is ironic apparently Joan of arc loved a good barbecue.
"
39282,"When my wife starts to sing.... When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
"
220698,"My mother has now been sending me a Valentine's card for 28 years. She's persistent but I'm not interested.
"
110598,"Me: (Insert inspirational quote here) Wife: Wow. That's deep, who said that? Me: I did. Didn't you hear me speak just now?
"
3976,"*pretty girl walks by and doesn't make eye contact* She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
"
53674,"Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' drizzle.
"
84680,"What is the difference between a dead baby and a water melon? One's fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other one's a water melon.
"
43166,"What does a blonde say after having sex? """"Are you all on the same team?""""
"
141687,"The key to a successful weight loss program is a broken jaw I'd guess.
"
133926,"What is a rocket's favorite meal? Launch! Another one from my 9 year old.
"
157958,"MSNBC: Racist gets what he deserves! FOX: What's next, thought crimes? CNN: If you stare at your hand for a long time it will look weird
"
150086,"Paranoid? Nope. I'm just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
"
40180,"Knock Knock Who's there ? Cherry ! Cherry who ? Cherry oh see you later !
"
211967,"Just got my first pair of bifocals (nsfw) and boy do they make my cock look huge
"
112247,"I named my house """"shape"""", now I'm always in shape.
"
180635,"What do you call a punch-drunk Japanese person whose father has diarrhea? A slap-happy Jappy with a crap-happy pappy! I'll show myself out...
"
224139,"I asked my doctor how bad my breath is. """"You see that broccoli over there?"""" he pointed. """"Yes..."""" I replied. """"That was a cauliflower before you started talking.""""
"
60159,"Why was Jokeexplainbot angry? Because someone was pushing his buttons!
"
205957,"""""FOR SALE: blender, like new. Does NOT make things taste like crayons ALSO FOR SALE: wax fruit, slightly scratched.""""
"
185337,"For my next magic trick i'll need a condom and a volunteer.
"
137489,"Do you have a turn down? Turn down for what?
"
109026,"How to capitalize on a bad situation. ON A BAD SITUATION
"
213336,"Why did the chicken cross the bridge? To get away from the Turkey coop.
"
191885,"When Oasis broke up, my girlfriend was so upset. I told her to stop crying her heart out.
"
198154,"I don't know why there's such a stigma on masturbation. I find that it really comes in handy.
"
72016,"Anyone who says """"good morning"""" on a Monday is a sociopath.
"
115236,"I always say the same thing when I find out I got a new employee Works for me!
"
191373,"Why did the condom leave so quickly? Because it got pissed off.
"
174912,"Do you like to draw? Because I put the D in raw
"
82697,"Reports are in that Hugo Chjavez has died....hmmmmm  Saddam Hussein  Osama Bin Ladden  Moammar Gadhafi Kim Jong IL  Fidel Castro Hugo Chavez  Not good times for my Fantasy Dictator League...
"
127406,"If you're stuck in the Friend-zone, here's a simple 5-step solution: 1) Stop. 2) Being. 3) Her. 4) Fcuking. 5) B!tch.
"
111229,"My friend asked me if I wanted to skip class. I said """"nah, I think I'll pass.""""
"
89062,"My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti: You should've seen the look on her face as i drove pasta!
"
50770,"DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTALIT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER ME: omg what're u gonna do to me? DEMON: werewere you not listening just now
"
143601,"Three men in a boat with four cigarettes and no matches. How do they get to smoke their cigarettes? They throw one cigarette overboard, which make the boat a cigarette lighter.
"
212044,"An original joke. Sorry, wrong subreddit.
"
93640,"What's the difference between UFOs and an honest politician? It is possible that UFOs exist.
"
101344,"What is the stupidest animal in the jungle? The Polar Bear.
"
164993,"A Cuban, a Canadian, and a White Supremacist walks into a bar... The bartender asks """"What'll you have Senator Cruz?""""
"
208193,"I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it's just because he's Canadian.
"
225693,"What do you call two black people bargaining on terms? A Negrotiation
"
151851,"What do you call a police woman who shaves? Cunt Stubble.
"
219105,"We'd been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
"
15832,"Santa Claus came early! Mrs. Claus wasn't too happy.
"
91206,"Your mama is so black that she left fingerprints on charcoal
"
167303,"So I just saw the new fifty shades of grey movie It was pretty Greyt
"
208175,"Just had a 9 minute argument with The Boy over why he needs to change his underwear this morning. Don't forget your birth control, friends.
"
139938,"Go ahead, call the cops, lady. I got ten witnesses that'll say your baby kicked me first.
"
40419,"Why does Bruce Willis always play the bald guy?
"
88720,"*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* """"Wait. Then that means-"""" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
"
188707,"Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant [table over] Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up* Monkey 2: not worth it man
"
138351,"A lesbian couple and a gay couple had a race to see who could get across the country to California first The lesbians arrived first, lickity split. The gay dudes were still at home packing their shit.
"
214304,"Conversations with my pets: Me: Please could you Dog: OF COURSE! Me: I haven't said what it Dog: I LOVE YOU! Me: Please could you Cat: No.
"
2575,"My wife and I just made a porno. Too bad she's my late wife.
"
159902,"Science flies you to the moon.
"
51027,"Why was six afraid of seven Because Jenny is a hoe
"
23433,"""""Lady In Red"""" is my favorite song about a guy that's trying to get laid even though he can't remember her goddamn name.
"
224310,"If you were anti-pencil Would you be erasist?
"
92357,"7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content -WTF -OMG -Huh -FAIL -LOL -NOPE -why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
"
174424,"Joe Paterno was such a good coach... ...that after he died, he won another 112 games.
"
61785,"Why did the lion get lost? Cos jungle is massive.
"
71257,"What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel? A lumpy milkshake.
"
16331,"A Woman's tongue & Man's eye, will rest' only when they die.
"
163604,"If Trump wins the election I am __________________ Fill in the blank
"
114662,"Today I was woken up by a blowjob. I hope I'll never fall asleep in the train with my mouth open again.
"
15187,"This fibonacci joke is as bad as the last two you heard combined
"
115509,"What's the difference between a pizza and a pizza joke? You can't top a good pizza joke.
"
108462,"My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall I said """"Maybe""""
"
115463,"I don't know when but there was a moment in my life when food changed from friend to lover.
"
107369,"Aching Joints by Arthur Itis
"
78121,"Interns think of God residents pray  to God doctors talk to God nurses ARE God.
"
72828,"What do you call a young Jewish girl who solves mysteries? Nance Hebrew
"
201514,"If storks deliver white babies and blackbirds deliver black babies, what bird delivers no babies? Swallows.
"
84317,"Why is the cinematography of pornos so impressive? Because it's all done one handed.
"
18706,"A lot of rappers had Diddy issues when they were growing up.
"
70021,"What do you call five black men having sex? A threesome
"
143901,"Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers? Me: idk i've never done it B4 Gma: holy shit you're a natural
"
205160,"That rabbi's gone crazy! He's been running around a circumcising all kinds of lettuce... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.
"
217707,"My mate sold me a guitar for 5... No strings attached
"
128325,"What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? I can't jelly a dick in your ass
"
159513,"Woke up so hungry I could eat my own cooking!
"
67366,"What do you call a gay Yeti A snow blower!
"
174405,"Why couldn't Batman go to the movie? Because it was rated """"PG""""
"
49795,"There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.
"
98235,"Why are women like condoms? Because they spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
"
192044,"You know why I always use the lower urinal? The water's colder.
"
183773,"Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That's how delusions work.
"
221809,"Why did the White Man go to the Moon? He wanted more land. -Heard this from a native friend of mine. I laughed my ass off.
"
114922,"Facebook: My little man is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Twitter: Free baby. DM for details.
"
144509,"A couple of ladies asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with them. I said, """"No thank you. If I wanted to disappoint two people at once, I would have dinner with my parents.""""
"
26958,"Not to nitpick, Kay Jewelers, but """"every kiss"""" TECHNICALLY begins with an African diamond miner having his hand cut-off
"
123522,"Did you hear about the Roman who had his wife for dinner? He was gladiator...
"
51569,"I sometimes feel like the Angel on my shoulder is on vacation & the Devil invited his cousin over for a play date
"
195313,"Roses are brown, violets are grey I just found out I'm colorblind today.
"
118208,"I thought about doing anal But I figured my dick has gotten me in enough shit already
"
206211,"So I had an exam today... ...luckily I remembered it was April Fools Day and wasn't about to get pranked by my professor. I'm not that gullible!
"
169841,"Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also..
"
69327,"Is there anyone besides Jesus Christ who has the privilege of having his name double as a swear?
"
43147,"I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn't tear away ..
"
185218,"I play the triangle in a reggae band... ... I stand at the back and ting
"
145512,"HOBOSEXUAL A hobosexual is someone who enters into a relationship to avoid becoming homeless.
"
201212,"April showers bring May flowers, but do you know what May flowers brings? Pilgrims.
"
4837,"What's the difference between a women's track team and a tribe of smart pygmies? The pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
"
37657,"Historical fact: The term """"bro"""" originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
"
20822,"Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
"
46002,"I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... """"Come here Stay! Come here Stay!"""" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
"
100959,"Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch
"
228796,"How would you describe the typical Inuit mathematician? Cold and calculating.
"
43245,"My missus has a punctuation fetish Whenever she has a period, I get to use the colon.
"
166439,"I miss my friend jack... I loved listening to music with him.
"
202532,"I want to start a towing company. I'll name it Jaques Crew Tow.
"
118743,"I wear a neck brace to the gym because it makes my physical ineptitude less embarrassing.
"
215801,"I lost my virginity when I was in high school, which was awesome... however I was home schooled.
"
95341,"Depression starts in a part of the brain called the Hippocampus Which is strange because I always thought hippos loved studying.
"
154299,"Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say """"I'm affordable"""" instead of """"I'm adorable"""". Stop embarrassing me.
"
87579,"Why would anybody ask me anything when google exists?
"
202668,"How do you cancel your appointment at the spermicides bank? You call and say you can't cum. Edit:typo
"
40651,"They say rejection is a hard pill to swallow... But it's just practice for the 60 pain killers later.
"
24,"What do you call a potato in space? Spudnik
"
62312,"When i dont understand a joke I read on /r/Jokes I don't get it
"
223906,"What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back I don't know how big this thing gets!
"
353,"What do you call a grammatically incorrect horse? An horse.
"
143826,"What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a car windscreen? Its arse.
"
8612,"What did the rapper say when he couldn't find his pants? """"Where my knickers at?""""
"
220823,"A dyslexic person walks into a bra.
"
117280,"Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes. Her: What do you do with the time saved? Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
"
127910,"Why is the love of a woman with 20 children magical? Because it feels like a wizard's sleave.
"
190445,"Apparently the Bin Laden plane hit a Porsche, it's 911 all over again.
"
88877,"I think Google's a woman... Because it won't let you finish a sentence without coming up with other suggestions.
"
149058,"There are two muffins in an oven. The one muffin says to the other one, """"Woah, a silent muffin!""""
"
33070,"If you cut your goat in half you'll have two goats, that's just simple math.
"
58135,"What's the opposite of Christopher Walken? Christopher Walkout
"
41693,"How do you teach a Jew to pay attention? You send him to a concentration camp.
"
128944,"My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
"
50047,"Who will win this Super Bowl's coin toss? Hillary Clinton
"
27110,"How can you tell if your wife is dead The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.
"
174453,"Not every badly unkempt guy is homeless. It could well be that he lives with 3 females and only 1 bathroom.
"
123396,"What do all 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys receive before leaving the factory? Two test tickles.
"
89587,"What do you call a food that turns black people on? An *afro*-disiac.
"
185361,"Why did the spider cross the road? To get to his website!
"
198423,"Sedated, cheese-loving, Northern Ed Miliband... and Gromit.
"
209183,"Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams... and its dream was to be a submarine.
"
145094,"""""I still haven't met his Father, but I'm not worried. Parents love me."""" - Jesus' gay friend
"
165345,"He sees you when you're sleeping,he knows when you're awake A date with Bill Cosby
"
24503,"i like the viagra ad where the guy is on some crabbing boat in the middle of the bering sea, thinking about how he can't get hard anymore
"
194492,"As a child I was absolutely terrified of weather forecasters ..until I realised they weren't to scale.
"
67640,"Particle physics joke The bartender yells, """"We don't serve your kind here!"""" A tachyon walks into a bar.
"
175082,"What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party? I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.
"
191347,"You know the world has changed... when one of the things your doctor asks you is """"Are you gay?"""" when you tell him your butt hurts...
"
114859,"What do you call a mollusk on a boat? A snailor
"
48267,"What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear. The other is a great year.
"
185833,"A man just came up and threw milk in my face. How dairy.
"
193218,"What do you call an Irishman with no arms and no legs who's rolling down a hill? Rick O'Shay.
"
94654,"How much does the average Hipster weigh? About 74,000 Insta-grams.
"
142679,"What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces? Guacamole.
"
82545,"What happened to the ghost who went to a party?  He had a wail of a time.
"
154705,"Han Solo asks Yoda, """"Master Yoda, are we going the right way?"""" Yoda replies, """"off course, we are""""
"
146691,"We never knew he was a drunk... until he showed up to work sober.
"
68518,"There should be an """"oh my god, shut up already"""" button.
"
24797,"The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
"
215874,"Where was the toothbrush invented? Alabama. Anywhere else it would have been called a *teeth*brush
"
129145,"Simple Chat.. Conversation: G: Im done. Let's split-up. B: What? Why? Where did I go wrong? G: Oh, im sorry babe wrong send. B: Thank goodness!
"
117285,"Why did x and y break up? They couldn't function together.
"
102699,"[cats at shelter] Where's Frank? """"Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.""""
"
101731,"What do you call an upside down blonde? A brunette with bad breath
"
194967,"Why do walruses just love a Tupperware party? They're always on the lookout for a tight seal.
"
124337,"What is the difference between Jelly and Jam ? I have no fucking idea.
"
167934,"What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.
"
159010,"When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting """"Eye of the Tiger"""" just to give them motivation.
"
5100,"When I got depressed, I joined the Army. I didn't have any experience or motivation, I just wanted a soldier to cry on.
"
30106,"Bill Clinton's real-life aging looks like fake Back to the Future aging.
"
26344,"So I released a new cook book in the oriental side of town. It's called *101 ways to wok your dog*
"
33925,"I think I may be allergic to women everytime they touch my penis the damn thing just swells up like crazy.
"
118975,"Have you heard the news about the courduroy pillows? They're making headlines!
"
107470,"Why do seagulls live by the sea? Because if they live by the bay, they would be bagels!
"
103379,"Why was six afraid of seven? because seven was a sixoffender
"
204394,"Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don't like on
"
119028,"Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it's a lot of paperwork.
"
186689,"I have you know that my penis was once in the Guinness book of world records... but then the librarian yelled and told me to leave the library.
"
87974,"Why does wonder woman fly? Because she can't drive for sh*t.
"
143306,"What's the difference between pussy and parsley? I don't eat parsley. -Andrew """"Dice"""" Clay
"
87728,"My boss texted me... My boss texted me: """"Send me one of your funny jokes"""" I replied: """"I will send you one l8r, I'm working right now"""" He replied: """"LMAO, send me another one!""""
"
125109,"damn girl are you a mouse because your body is decomposing in my drywall
"
132313,"So a black guy and an asian guy walk into a classroom... The black guy gets a D- while the asian guy gets a B The asian guy gets beat up by the black guy lol
"
163160,"The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
"
20267,"My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.
"
231106,"No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ's face I don't think he's going to play them. Here come the police they'll help me
"
213932,"Two friends meet after a long time. First one: Hey, you have changed a lot. Second: Yes, I just updated my software to latest version.
"
140676,"Which four-member rock group doesn't sing or play music? Mount Rushmore.
"
79540,"What did the cliff say to the landslide? Chalk to you later.
"
221414,"Give me your best """"Your mom..."""" joke! Like this: Your mom is so fat she ate the Internet!
"
205778,"My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.
"
2190,"Why was six afraid of seven? Seven is a registered six offender.
"
207260,"My essay for graduate school reeks of bullshit and broken dreams disguised as lessons learned.
"
8176,"How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
"
7991,"A SQL statement walks into a bar... he confidently walks up to a couple of tables and says, """"May I join you?"""".
"
187165,"Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
"
202267,"*gets bitten by a radioactive bear *before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
"
27849,"Every store should have one line for people who have their shit together.
"
109350,"I was really disappointed when I watched the films Shaft, XXX, X-Men, In To Deep, Snatch, The Box, Free Willy. None of them were what I expected...
"
139341,"Teacher: """"Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?"""" Student: """"So we know when to start Christmas shopping!""""
"
4542,"Did you hear about the three guys that walked into a bar? You'd think the third guy would've ducked.
"
201913,"Have you heard of the band named 1023 megabytes? Of course not, they haven't made it to a gig yet.
"
163421,"My 13 year old son told me this last night. Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on this morning!
"
207019,"I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States
"
99150,"""""Good to sea you"""" is a hilarious thing to say when shoving someone off a cruise ship.
"
153057,"My kid's latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
"
209279,"My new Thai girlfriend said, """"A small penis shouldn't be a problem in a loving relationship"""" I still wish she didn't have one.
"
137982,"How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.
"
30487,"I was just told that my dog chased someone on a bicycle and bit him. That's bullshit, my dog can't even ride a bicycle.
"
48852,"Pot could probably use one more name... how about wizard parsley?
"
208406,"What's the difference between eating at a restaurant and standing in a field of cows? I don't tip at restaurants.
"
125524,"Score! I just landed my summer job for this year - working at the zoo, circumsizing elephants They said the hourly pay isn't great, but the tips are ENORMOUS!
"
154458,"Has anyone woken up Green Day yet?
"
49921,"It's not all about the money. It's all about all shit I can buy with the money.
"
50141,"How do you know if an introvert likes you when you're talking to them? They'll stare at your shoes instead of theirs.
"
155850,"So, my Doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating... I asked """"Why?"""" and she replied, """"because I'm trying to examine you!""""
"
101285,"What does a North Korean ricochet sound like? PYONG! YANG!
"
161371,"I came all the way from New York.... and boy are my hands tired
"
186918,"How many bees does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
"
81495,"How do skeletons communicate? A cell bone. *just got it off a popsicle.
"
31370,"Yo Mama is so fat she had to be baptized at Sea world. (Lionheartyz)
"
96475,"Ea vs Christiano Ronald Whats the difference bewteen Ea and Christiano Ronaldo.  Ronaldo is Faster
"
81041,"If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
"
137876,"Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It's a play on words.
"
116924,"me: """"leave the door ajar on your way out"""" jam salesman: [visibly confused]
"
132046,"What is the thinnest book in the world?  What Men Know About Women.
"
103617,"What kind of fence goes on strike? A picket fence.
"
31378,"what did one orphan say to the other Robin, get in the batmobile
"
191433,"4yo: let me smell your eyelashes! Me:...ok 4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face? Me: this is how nightmares are born.
"
163734,"MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ'S AND MY SNACK.
"
75424,"Clean - What do you do if you see a spaceman? Park your car man :) - Classic!
"
86623,"Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was driving down the road when it turned into a field.
"
189025,"We need to stop ISIS. Then we can call them WASWAS.
"
9999,"A guy goes to the doctor... He says, """"Doc, every time I drink coffee I feel a sharp pain in my right eye."""" The doctor asks, """"Did you take out the spoon?""""
"
1325,"The world is becoming too politically correct You can't even say black paint anymore, instead you have to say """"Lamar can you please paint the fence"""".
"
43869,"George Washington: We should put 'We trust in God' on our money Thomas Jefferson: Great idea. Did you get that? Yoda (taking notes): Yep
"
64982,"Stop wearing shirts that make us want to look at your titties if you don't want us to look at your titties, because TITTIES!!
"
56905,"In Canada, she's Kilometery Cyrus.
"
201690,"What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snow balls
"
183634,"Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
"
17766,"When people say they did something """"like a boss"""" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
"
132428,"What do we want? BIGGER PLACARDS! When do we want them? NO
"
120480,"whats the difference between jam and marmalade?..... You can't marmalade your dick into a chick's ass.
"
79248,"Why are mosquitos religious ? They prey on you !
"
136092,"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, """"Lady take your purse.""""
"
85985,"I walked past a drug rehab facility today. There was a sign on the front lawn that read """"KEEP OFF THE GRASS!""""
"
207609,"What's the difference between the government and your wife? The government enjoys fucking you Edit: phrasing courtesy of tefkasm
"
163246,"My boss told me that I have to stop masturbating at work. I didn't think my patients minded.
"
120211,"why aren't mexicans and blacks suppose to have kids? because the children will be to lazy to steal.
"
224668,"How do you get a Kansas alumni off your porch? pay him for the pizza.
"
168608,"Bought some shoes from a drug dealer... Not sure what he laced them with, but I have been trippen' all day.
"
144447,"Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you'll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
"
64945,"When I die, PLEASE don't bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
"
212489,"Why did the Redgaurd's toe hurt? His Hammerfell
"
106582,"I like my women like I like my coffee Still a little bit warm
"
146481,"What do you call a person with a Simpsons fetish? Homer-sexual
"
149573,"I didn't spend years perfecting this blank, vacant expression so you could mistake me for someone who cares, lady...
"
42809,"""""Weight Watchers"""" because """"Obesity Observers"""" was too cerebral.
"
216266,"Why didn't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken came in a different box...
"
199775,"I came into some wealth recently, but it turns out my bank doesn't accept that kind of deposit.
"
89833,"Do you think Earth makes fun of the other planets... ...because they have no life?
"
96815,"What did the teenage boy who was jerking off in his room say when his mother called? One second mom, I'm coming!
"
18675,"A Texan goes to a car dealership He sees a car he likes and says """"Gee that's a byoot!"""" The Dealer responds """"That's not a Buick that's a Honda!""""
"
231337,"When my girlfriend sends me to the supermarket to get cucumbers I also buy Vaseline so the cashier doesn't think I'm a vegan.
"
60294,"Caller: I'm your worst nightmare. Me: Whaaat?? You're a sugar free cookie??
"
183174,"*first day as almond milk factory worker* where the tiddies at
"
159502,"Me: I just need some time alone, please. *closes door* - Ma'am, if you're not trying on clothes, we'll need you to leave the dressing room.
"
73175,"Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
"
139488,"I heard the latest statistic that 1 in 3 people cheat on their significant others that means either my wife or my girlfriend is cheating on me. Hmm....
"
3290,"Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i'm moving in.
"
123495,"How does a chicken do their hair? With a comb, In one fowl swoop.
"
36525,"On what kind of ships do students study? Scholarships.
"
51983,"I got a puppy for my ex. Fair trade.
"
183470,"This oatmeal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and I'm eating bacon.
"
144130,"Have you seen Stevie wonders house? Neither has he
"
192543,"An Irishwoman gave birth to triplets and named them Nat,Pat and Tat. However when she tried to breastfeed them she found out there was no tit for Tat.
"
148218,"...and then the whiskey whispered """"You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.""""
"
7225,"Why are there so many doctors in India? Because about 20 million people are Sikh.
"
30590,"My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.
"
110530,"A guy walks into a bar So a guy walks into a bar.... Where does he go next? The hospital. Why does he go to the hospital? For Alcohol poisoning
"
97193,"Whale junior: Dad, where did I come from? Papa whale: From my penis. Whale junior: Umm thanks? Papa whale: You're whalecum
"
4100,"What happened to Wendy from Wendy's? """"The Baconator""""
"
139915,"Whats Black and never works? Decaffeinated coffee, ya racist.
"
77689,"I'm a heavy sleeper. Also, a heavy awaker. Okay, I'm fat.
"
223092,"Red neck word of the day """"fitness"""" I don't think there's any way we're """"fitness"""" in the back a da truck
"
209567,"Why does it go from Windows 8 to 10? Because Windows 7 8 9
"
123940,"Is sex without obligations possible after getting married? Yeah - sometimes I can have sex without promising to do the dishes afterwards.
"
127701,"It was definitely Adam and Steve - what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??
"
84701,"Did you hear the one about the sexually promiscuous citrus fruit? He got lemon aids.
"
134175,"When you start trying to pick out names for a baby, you realize how many jerks you know with different names.
"
226326,"When you get to your wit's end, You'll find God lives there.
"
117288,"Life was dangerous when I was young. We answered the phone never knowing who was on the other end.
"
16617,"What did the Machop say to the guy who was giving him a hard time? You're really bustin' Machops!
"
58329,"Where do you find a turtle with no legs? right where you left it.
"
191877,"Have you heard about McDonald's new Hillary Clinton Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
"
144180,"Skipping School Grandpa: """"Go hide, your teacher is here because you skipped school today!"""" Boy: """"No you go hide. I told her you were dead!""""
"
43693,"The people of Baltimore played GTA yesterday... Tonight they will see the National Guard play Call of Duty.
"
73898,"Answer to the seagulls riddle. To beat the Portuguese (it's a New Bedord/Falmouth/Vineyard joke).
"
142917,"What did the hamburger say when it found out that most people liked hamburgers better than frankfurters? 'Hot dog!'
"
54517,"My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.
"
175280,"Maybe stop asking 20yo beauty queens how to solve problems the government hasn't even been able to figure out in 200 years?
"
67670,"There's nothing more disappointing for a woman than finding out a bearded guy in a flannel shirt is a hipster and not a lumberjack.
"
41689,"Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant? Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
"
230437,"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
"
154972,"cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks me: Getting rid of it? cw: Have to, why? me: Is cats it's only defect?
"
71488,"For some reason my dad thinks I'm a private investigator. He keeps calling me a dick.
"
13350,"what do you call a deer with no eyes? 'No idea.....' 'What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?' 'Still no idea.......' My all time favourites :)
"
53745,"Why is the new Star Wars film called Rogue One? Because it's a rogue film - a Star Wars prequel that won't be complete shit.
"
187198,"Ancestry.com will not get a cent of my money until they can tell me which apes I came from.
"
155006,"What's the difference between a crab with boobs and a bus filled with old people? One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station.
"
27743,"If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh? Meat.
"
48107,"ME: Good date? FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed ME: Then what? FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger] ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
"
99281,"I'm getting old, The only way I can screw a woman... Is to borrow money from her and not pay her back. (Credit given to my friend. i'm not that clever.)
"
231424,"When you think about it , zombies are fixed humans . You just turn them off and on .
"
35638,"It's 2035: By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
"
5673,"ducks love bread but aparently bread is bad for ducks, so dont feed ducks bread, but love ducks even more bc theyre self-destructive like us
"
159174,"I love it when I see an old friend I haven't seen in years and pretend to not see them
"
3957,"How Do You Get an Elephant Out of the Fairway? You take the F out of Fair and the F out of Way
"
27759,"I want """"Wake me if anything cool happens"""" on my tombstone.
"
178022,"What do necrophiliacs get at funerals? Mourning wood.
"
95828,"Roses are red, Twitter is blue, you look bangable, so I'll follow you
"
17088,"Why do pirates wake up early on Saturday? To watch Dablooney Toons!
"
111347,"My wife told me she is having an affair with Mr. Peanut. I think she is fucking nuts.
"
67885,"Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book Me: Get the what now?
"
228461,"Einstein took naps during the day. So if you want to be smarter, my advice is to take more naps while having an IQ of 160.
"
224450,"""""But Lot's wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like 'wtf' """" Genesis 19:26
"
165015,"Who's the coolest guy in the hospital? The utra sound guy
"
101403,"I hate when someone wants to have sex with me for superficial reasons before they even know how funny.
"
228818,"I visited Karl Marx's grave in London yesterday. It was just another Communist plot.
"
63223,"Whats the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I haven't paid $500 to have a garbanzo bean in my face.
"
231416,"I want my group project members to lower me into my grave.... ... So that they can let me down one last time.
"
203350,"Stablehand: Wanna hear a funny joke? Horse: Neigh!
"
140083,"My dyslexic uncle was suicidal... He kept jumping behind trains
"
99341,"What is the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A prostitute stops screwing you when you run out of money.
"
191145,"This Elevator is out of order.Why? Too many Sumo tried to squeeze into it.
"
39589,"What sex position gives birth to the ugliest children? Ask your parents.
"
147360,"What kind of thief steals meat? A hamburglar.
"
47796,"I have a life pro tip I never wear condoms
"
121334,"Why did the photon stop drinking after traveling 670 million miles? because Happy Hour ended.
"
114967,"I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.
"
76925,"What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Lukewarm.
"
146889,"If God wanted you in church all morning, why did he invent fun?
"
192776,"Velcro. What a rip off.
"
27097,"What's the difference between jam and jelly I can't jam my cock up your ass
"
202998,"You can now buy """"throw back"""" Pepsi with real sugar. Where can I find throw back Coca-Cola with real cocaine?
"
83326,"Based on how many times I've dropped my phone, I'm gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
"
93253,"With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
"
10620,"Q: What can a goose do a duck can't and a lawyer should? A: Stick his bill up his ass.
"
43148,"Listen up all you calendar owners Your days are numbered
"
157882,"Did the girl ever go to the whore Olympics? Nah, she couldn't be fucked.
"
200071,"Why did the Jamaican go to Syria? To get stoned
"
226798,"My buddy told me he wanted to study paleontology... I told him it was a dead-ends job.
"
74109,"What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.
"
96765,"Two peanuts where walking down the street... One was assaulted.
"
209734,"How many teenage girls does it take to screw..... in a lightbulb? Just one to hold it up as the whole world revolves around her.
"
134308,"What's concurrency? Fake money they use in prisons.
"
224775,"I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
"
26535,"A new book for stoners aspiring to greatness 7 Habits of Effectively High People
"
96225,"I once knew a bald guy who liked to draw rabbits on his head but from a distance they looked like hares
"
208297,"So Jared Fogle was actually reported to have been spotted at a local Macy's. He heard Boys pant were half off.
"
177293,"What is Superman when he removes his suit? Man.
"
86574,"I know a great knock knock joke. You start.
"
227858,"Where do you get virgin wool? Ugly sheep.
"
125184,"What is the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick down someone's throat.
"
13395,"6: can i have ice cream? Me: ur room clean? 6: if I clean it can I have ice cream? M: sure 6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
"
141714,"difference between a crow and a raven one has 4 pinion feathers and the other has 5 pinion feathers, so the difference is a matter of a pinion
"
49650,"did you hear about this new fish? nevermind it's satill in beta
"
227429,"Why do black people smell bad? So blind people can hate them too
"
83977,"Why are fat people always possessed by the devil? They never exorcise.
"
65134,"How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open when she brings it to you
"
56046,"Q: What's the best way to kill a man? A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to  pick only one.
"
178378,"If I wore these clothes yesterday but no one saw me in them, did I really wear them.
"
103653,"What is the only English word a French-Canadian knows? Sorry.
"
103202,"Son, as a reward for graduating high-school at the top of your class, we've decided to pool or money and send you abroad! Son: Is she hot?
"
36743,"In Catholicism, souls have mass.
"
229877,"My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall I said maybe.
"
112918,"Probably the hardest part about being a dj is when you get into a fight and you gotta hold your headphones up to your ear with one shoulder.
"
70917,"Sex is like maths.. Add the bed Subtract the clothes Divide the legs and pray you dont multiply
"
188579,"If he doesn't return your texts, it's because he's busy leaving his wife for you. Obviously.
"
92538,"The job interviewer asked about my previous experience. """"Well,"""" I began, """"I got the bus. Got lost for a while, walked down some narrow roads and I ended up here.""""
"
40357,"Girl, you got more legs than a bucket of chicken!
"
125047,"If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
"
34829,"Why was the cow's house empty? She was moo-ving
"
123510,"Austria's Conchita Wurst wins Eurovision amid Russia, Ukraine tensions Click on the link to watch the video in youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IfZlqNfZr40
"
157496,"TIFU By having one night stand It broke and I don't have another to replace it with
"
174821,"Why did Barty Crouch Jr. stop drinking? It was making him Moody
"
102345,"For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
"
129764,"I do understand that you guys think these jokes are funny, but this post says otherwise. **Otherwise**
"
83719,"My coffee shop in Tokyo hasn't had many customers in the last couple of months... It's ok now though, people are starting to drift in.
"
4093,"Your momma's so fat... ...that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, """"dinner time.""""
"
209566,"What's the difference between love and herpes? Herpes last forever.
"
88316,"My goldfish died. The good news is I'm inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
"
92649,"My wife just told me she's pregnant. God, I hope it's not mine.
"
209019,"My flight doesn't have wifi so I'm just gonna hit the call button and tell the flight attendant every time I think of something amusing.
"
63023,"If you pee on a cop Urine trouble. (Credit to my bff)
"
43687,"MORMON ELECTION GAME: Every time Romney becomes president, drink.
"
211041,"""""You've reached 911"""" Knock knock """"Sir ple-"""" Knock knock """"This is not-"""" Knock knock """"ok, who's there?"""" Ben """"Ben who"""" Ben shot real bad """"NICE""""
"
50753,"Wow, I got this new lamp from the store and didn't use a dime! But instead, I used 30$
"
47652,"Want a rabbit joke? Hare you go.
"
99534,"What do you call a chubby girl who's cranky, has bad breath and doesn't screw? You don't call her.
"
41227,"I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend. You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
"
19165,"Why did the little pig hide the soap? He heard the farmer yell """"Hogwash!""""
"
69138,"Software boner. Why did the computer need Viagra? Because it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk.
"
200998,"Why No 1 likes Apple So there are some people in an electronics store and the computers are just Apple. Then someone farts and its bad,but someone says 2 bad there's no Windows
"
174750,"I'm having a hard time... contrtolling my erections.
"
108455,"The Atlanta Falcons
"
98968,"There were two flies sitting on a toilet seat... one got pissed off.
"
213567,"How many lead trumpets does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, he just holds the light bulb up, and the world revolves around him.
"
18028,"A friend asked me, """"Did you know Isaac Newton died a virgin""""? I replied, """"What colour?""""
"
186662,"What do you call a cow that's missing a leg? A 3 legged cow
"
40589,"People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
"
126850,"I walked up to a girl and said, """"If you were a drug, I would overdose!"""" She said, """"Thanks."""" I said, """"Then you wouldn't be able to ruin my life any more.""""
"
188869,"How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer? Grounding
"
5932,"In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds. How is that person still alive?
"
210873,"A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn't have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking...presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
"
118603,"A mechanical engineer asks to his crush... Do have a manhole I could enter?
"
215901,"TIFU by posting on the wrong subreddit hehe
"
194631,"""""I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault."""" ~ girls
"
198143,"Why do ghosts make the best thieves? Because possession is 9/10 of the law
"
200876,"How many bugs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, as long as they can find a way in.
"
36034,"Not to brag but I can still fit in my culturally-defined gender roles from high school!
"
20567,"What's got two wings, a tail and twenty five pricks? England's return flight.
"
147753,"Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually
"
141475,"Did you hear about the man in camo underpants? Nobody saw him coming!
"
58921,"My lighter has two settings: 1: Spark, spark, spark 2: No left eyebrow
"
137926,"If you love something, set it free. (Does not apply to ferrets.)* *I am no longer allowed on the subway.
"
166828,"*takes load of groceries off of old woman's hands* these are mine now you old prune
"
17987,"How are buttsex and asparagus the same? If you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
"
230500,"I was fired my first day on the job as a food vendor at the ballpark. A man ordered a corn dog from me. He was not pleased when I returned from the pet store 20 minutes later with his new husky.
"
79942,"How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars? """"Well... If it's any constellation...""""
"
27114,"What's the Biggest Jobs Killer in the United States? Pancreatic cancer.
"
208017,"What is the chemical composition of banana? Barium disodium
"
76269,"I once farted in an apple store and people got evacuated.. ...because there wasn't any windows.
"
104463,"Was told to fuck bitches and get money. All I got was charged with bestiality
"
171859,"I hate when movies say """"May contain nudity."""" Well does it doesn't it? I don't want to waste my time.
"
198558,"What is it called when you butt dial from your front pocket? A cockadial
"
155102,"Joke about China [censored]
"
62393,"Who invented cereals? Chris P.
"
119794,"""""SANTA"""" rearranged is """"SATAN""""...I'm on to you fat man
"
161436,"What did the Terminator say when he decided to take up piano? I'll be bach.
"
167630,"When a neutron hits a uranium atom... Potassium. Oxide.
"
60776,"I like my underwear the way i like my Ronda Rousey fights Boxer brief
"
108080,"Accidentally got a """"male"""" order bride and I was gonna return him but Sergei is just so good with my kids
"
94340,"Why doesn't NASA send cows to space? Because the stakes would be too high.
"
113814,"I had my credit card stolen. About two years ago now. I never reported it though. On my first statement, I found that the thieves were charging less than my wife was.
"
113677,"""""Everyday I'm mumblin'""""-Bane
"
96787,"Where do people with foot fetishes get their shoes? Footlicker
"
17535,"The Titanic was a German philosopher... It got famous for sinking.
"
192595,"So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood. Where are you dad?
"
97517,"This one took me a while to get when I was a kid: Three guys walk into a bar The fourth one ducked.
"
82143,"What do you get when you cross a millipede with a parrot? A Walkie Talkie
"
12714,"How many men from the US swim team does it take to open a door? Just one if its lochte'd
"
195383,"Where does the pirate put his ear ring? In his buccaneer.
"
105004,"What is a lesbian's favourite Liam Neeson film? Snatch
"
135865,"Did you hear about the cow who couldn't give milk? She was an udder disappointment.
"
133427,"What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of it's paws, a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
"
39434,"Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds there are in a year? Pupil: 12 - 2nd January 2nd February...!
"
163,"Does a cow give milk? No, they have to take it from her
"
167679,"Programming is like sex One mistake and you're providing support for a lifetime.
"
129359,"There are two kinds of people in this world... 1. People who can count 2. People who can't 3. People who aren't good at telling jokes
"
9927,"What's the difference... between a (nationality, ethnicity, etc you want to make fun of) man and a large pizza? ~A large pizza can feed a family of four.
"
64657,"love is joke hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
"
194313,"Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
"
146241,"Have you guys seen Paula Deen's new restaurant menus? They only serve crackers.
"
151190,"what room zombies and vampires can't enter? the living room.
"
200667,"Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
"
107040,"Did you hear about the French baker who kept burning himself on the top shelf of his oven? He had a high threshold for *pain*
"
67791,"Why did one european country eat the other? Because it was Hungary
"
93217,"What's the difference between the Cleveland Indians and Shae from Game of Thrones? One blows a 3' 1"""" lead and the other blows a 3-1 lead
"
150670,"The FBI, CIA, LAPD, and some Rabbits
"
177473,"Why is Reddit called """"Reddit""""? The first name they came up with reminded them too much of olive oil.
"
33712,"Stop telling jokes about Zionism. Israeli offensive.
"
220306,"My wife came back really upset from her doctor's appointment -What did he say my love? -He said we cannot have sex for at least a month... -How that? -He is on vacation in Barbados for a month...
"
110299,"Why shouldn't you believe a person in bed? Because he is lying.
"
106336,"""""Someone called me a butterface today! Is that bad?"""" """"Well it's *half* a compliment.""""
"
98990,"Why was Fernando Alonso upside down? Because he Haas been hit!
"
85454,"What's a boxers favorite joke? Punchline.
"
76349,"How do you know if someone went to Harvard? They tell you.
"
35815,"therapist: """"remember there are no stupid questions"""" wife: """"okay"""" therapist: """"keith you start"""" me: """"do sharks ever need to have a bath?""""
"
127829,"Christians will make a big deal about a cross But do you think Jesus is attached to it?
"
227782,"Did you hear about the gingerbread man gynaecologist? The only tool it used was a flapjack.
"
77180,"""""Your word is their..."""" """"Your word is their,"""" said the spelling bee judge. The contestant, confused, asked for a sentence. """"They're looking for their dog over there,"""" replied the judge.
"
80771,"A real man can feel embarrassed only two times in his life... the first time when he can't manage the second time, and the second time when he can't manage the first time.
"
203169,"I walked up to a windmill and said, """"What do you think of this, you spin really fast and I'll fly a kite from the wind you make?"""" """"...I'm not a big fan.""""
"
171505,"Anyway, I heard some """"Norwegian black metal"""" today. Let's just say there's a reason no one ever built cities on it...
"
190439,"Server: Would you like another glass of wine? Me: I'm sorry, I don't have time Server: For the wine? Me: No, for silly questions
"
134281,"Every one knows about Elvis Everyone knows about Elvis the Pelvis. Less is known about his brother Inis.
"
128215,"How many redditors does it take to send a letter? Three. One to post it, and two to repost it.
"
12758,"FYI Don't make snow angels in a dog park.
"
59870,"2 fish were in a tank, what did one of them say to the other? How do I drive this thing?
"
76508,"What do you call an unsweetened, kosher lemonade? acidic juice
"
221897,"Dinner guests coming over later and I got nothing. Does anyone know how to turn beef jerky back into steaks?
"
6786,"Please pray for the people still playing Farmville on Facebook.
"
50265,"What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
"
11261,"What do you call a Jamaican gynecologist? A poke-mon! Pls don't hurt me.
"
56953,"What did Donald Trump do before criticizing illegals? He made sure his pools were clean and his lawns were mowed.
"
174832,"My daughter asks for Frozen stuff for Christmas, so i bought her frozen chips and a packet of peas
"
32813,"They say that all things come in threes and yeah maybe I did too once because I was really drunk and she looked like a five.
"
32571,"It's not a bad movie, but it is hard to believe a character named Captain America wouldn't be morbidly obese.
"
108208,"What's the worst part about being black and Jewish? Having to sit at the back of the oven with the rest of the dirty niggers.
"
132900,"How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow? You ask an informer
"
137840,"12 year old girls are an untapped market.
"
138513,"I don't think my wife likes me very much when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
"
12453,"So many people have the name of their university in their bio. """"Nice to meet you, this is who tricked me out of 50 thousand dollars""""
"
161177,"A little african girl... asks her daddy: """"Daddy can I play with your dick?"""" """"- Yes but don't go too far""""
"
181732,"My New Girlfriend Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Google asks where I am. The internet has turned into my girlfriend.
"
42900,"Mom, what is a transvestite? -Ask uncle Yvonne.
"
144958,"I started taking Viagra for my sunburn It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheet off my legs.
"
143402,"what are the best sort of bees? boobies
"
84362,"[aircraft carrier] *paints a T on the helipad* Captain: No it has to have an H Me: Why? *train sounds approaching* Captain: Oh dear god
"
137102,"Two cows are standing in a field One cow says """"moooooo"""" the other cow says """"fuck! I was just about to say that""""
"
161905,"I just won an innuendo competition! I had to beat off some stiff competition though
"
81651,"I may be Indian.. ...but damn Curry sucks!
"
188383,"How do you call unexpected pregnancy in German? Kinder Surprise
"
169658,"When people show me pictures of their kids, I show them pictures of my exes If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
"
166635,"Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions. - No child ever.
"
185652,"You gotta hand it to short people. Because their arms can't reach.
"
166381,"*filming the Buick commercial with Matthew McConaughey* """"the leather keeps sticking to my back"""" """"for the last time Matt keep ur shirt on""""
"
128292,"Zebras must be tough to eat. You have to sort through all that light meat and dark meat. Props to this guy at Disney
"
63751,"Did you hear about the murder mystery porno? In the end, everyone did it.
"
37468,"What's brown and smells funny? Clown Poo
"
211559,"A man walks into the library... ... And he asks the librarian if they have any books on suicide. The librarian replies """"You can sod of, you won't bring it back!""""
"
84191,"What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand? My hand.
"
167832,"How could a leper afford a nice house? It cost an arm and a leg
"
182176,"Never bring a toasted sandwich to a senior's gym Or else you're going to have 40 people thinking they're having a stroke.
"
207286,"""""You're getting an MFA in English? Wasn't your Bachelor's useless enough for you?"""" -second degree burn
"
36384,"Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Nah, that would be too long anyway.
"
71627,"Of course Donald Trump has a big dick. How did you think he was going to fuck all of America from the White House?
"
123346,"Finished my 2nd glass of wine. Husband doesn't know it yet but he has a 30 second window of getting laid before I pass ou
"
218174,"How can you help a starving cannibal?  Give him a helping hand.
"
121308,"This guy at my work fell into the upholstery machine today. Don't worry, hes fully recovered.
"
150957,"Heard this one from WWE. Were you born on the highway? No, why? Because that's where most accidents happen!
"
114064,"Starting to fear that all the urgent work emails I LOL'd at and deleted earlier were not actually April Fools' jokes.
"
215098,"The doctor thinks I need a penis reduction I asked him if it could wait until after my golf tournament.
"
58767,"What does a pizza boy and a gynecologist in have common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.
"
141603,"maybe babys cry bc theyve realized their potential for greatness decreases w/ each passing secomd until they die an old soul w/ lost dreams
"
224435,"That show the amazing race..... Is that about white people? Zach Galifianakis
"
135148,"Very offensive man on the loose with flint and steel Sparks outrage
"
200650,"A very interesting poem &gt; I dig &gt; You dig &gt; He dig &gt; She dig &gt; They dig &gt; We dig It might not be very long, but I think it is very deep.
"
71589,"What do you call a will? a dead giveaway
"
45539,"A post at night is like a land mine You have to happen upon it to blow on
"
204662,"Germany Cracks Down on Muslim Sex Attacks By Giving Girls No' Tattoos Other choices include """"No Anal"""" """"No Creampies"""" """"No Bukkake""""
"
130249,"What makes an ISIS joke funny? the execution EDIT: This literally blew up! RIP my inbox
"
25840,"What do you call 1 white guy with 500 black guys The warden
"
157104,"I'm not that into rape culture It feels too forced.
"
90414,"Just ran into a grammar fanatic out with whom I once made.
"
64777,"So I donated blood today... Good to know my blood is gonna be running through some other guy's boner
"
76397,"What should we name this ancient Japanese throwing knife? A: Let's just name it the first thing that comes to mind, think you can handle that? B: Sure I can.
"
14784,"Steve Irwin would have survived if he was wearing sun screen It protects against harmful rays
"
91994,"What's similar between you mom and a bottle of Tide detergent? They can both take about 65 loads.
"
185416,"Why is toilet paper no good for wrapping presents? Cos it's tear-able.
"
21507,"Did you see that awesome joke on reddit? Yeah, I reddit..
"
109825,"I'm not rich like Jack don't have a mansion  like Russell or have a Porsche like Martin but I do love you and want to marry you. I love you too but what was that you said about Martin !
"
103593,"Cheesy Christmas Jokes? Does any one know any really cheesy but actually really funny christmas jokes? short ones as they are easier to send? struggling to think of any myself
"
52724,"Sluggish (n): What slugs speak.
"
166940,"Ok fine, I'll weigh in: every museum needs to lose that one room that's just old bowls.
"
148163,"What do you get when you cross a child and an alligator? An alligator.
"
163762,"Why do bears hate shoes so much? They like to run around in their bear feet.
"
159972,"Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells? Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.
"
12164,"A horse walks into a bar... and the bartender asks, """"hey, why the long face?""""
"
4746,"Why isn't Mexico in the Summer Olympics? Everyone who can run, jump, and swim are already over here.
"
159243,"I put my phone on airplane mode and now I can't bloody find it
"
75655,"Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
"
225338,"How crazy is it that we used to say """"three and a half inch floppy"""" with a straight face
"
45949,"What do you call a dog who loves to be dominated? A sub woofer. Thank you & God Bless
"
31430,"What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician? A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.  A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3
"
121296,"Am I going to Rio? No. I'd avoid it like the plague.
"
42946,"Who robbed Lochte at the Olympics? Phelps.
"
225432,"What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi? i let women know that i have a jacuzzi
"
161687,"Guys, is it okay that I kinda hate the obsequious rhetorical questions people ask when they want to sound like a wry, world-weary populist?
"
190697,"Martial Arts for weak prisoners A new martial art similar to taekwondo is being developed for weak people that go to prison. It is named TyroneNo
"
90934,"Jake Roper from Vsauce 3 is cancer. too soon?
"
180783,"What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality? *gets arrested*
"
28863,"Ted Cruz takes his religious values very seriously He always pulls out before finishing
"
218061,"[notice son's not home] [text] Me: IT'S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11! 17: You were my ride. Me: Oh. Where are you again?
"
160580,"Jimmy Eat World Jimmy Sorry Jimmy Not Know You Were Saving It Jimmy Pick Up Another One On The Way Home
"
2749,"I'm not saying don't trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy in the number of Ipads I've won & the number of Ipads I own.
"
161244,"A morning text from me doesn't mean """"good morning"""". It means """"I'm having very dirty thoughts about you right now"""".
"
183894,"Why does nobody like to sit next to Elsa? Coz...she """"let's it go!""""
"
105571,"I took an IQ test. The results were negative.
"
115808,"What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass? A mechanic!
"
75158,"What kind of fabric does Mario use? Denim denim denim.
"
222602,"Did you ever hear about the Mexican born with two wieners. He named them Jose and hose b
"
222265,"My wife got naked and asked me to """"show her a good time"""" so I showed her photos of me and my friends before we got married.
"
188373,"What do a loading bar and my girlfriend have in common? Both equally inefficient at letting me know when they are actually ready.
"
187420,"I can't diet because it would devastate the local fast food economy, and frankly, I just don't think I could live with that kind of guilt.
"
46379,"Trump worked his way up from nothing. He's going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That's all you need.
"
94675,"*watches man fall off of bridge on TV.. """"Bartender, can you get me that drunk?""""
"
162412,"I like my women like I like my ice cream, Rich, creamy, and in my freezer.
"
226307,"How many babies does it take to paint a wall? [NSFW? ] It depends on how hard you throw them.
"
63270,"My girlfriend has the hottest ass in the world. Me
"
116787,"If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.
"
18946,"I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
"
93618,"Racism exists among all races of the world white people are just better at it, like most things.
"
66003,"[stranded on deserted island] *spells out message in rocks* WHAT'S THE WIFI PASSWORD
"
77285,"I like to think my father is looking down from heaven and smiling, but he's actually at an Indian casino with his new wife.
"
230287,"I like to sit on my hands until they go numb so it feels like somebody else is doing my dishes.
"
205245,"Did you know semen leaves the body at almost thirty miles per hour? This means it's illegal to ejaculate in a school zone. I don't think the speed was why I was arrested though.
"
96562,"The Australian Cricket Team.
"
4249,"Two crows walk into a bar. Before they can order their first drink, they get arrested for attempted murder.
"
53704,"A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
"
207626,"Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?
"
44124,"Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
"
120723,"What are spiders webs good for ? Spiders !
"
226649,"If movies have taught me anything, it's that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
"
117578,"Bring Me the Horizon gets thrown into the ocean... Do they sink or swim? Or simply disappear?
"
105357,"Where is Pinocchio's website? On the splinternet.
"
187426,"Oh, I see. """"Adam and Steve"""" is gay, but """"Adam dates his own rib"""" is perfectly acceptable.
"
229056,"Air bags: my car's attempt of cheering me up after accidents by giving me surprise balloons.
"
159884,"You know its been a long night... [NSFW] When you stick the razor in the hooker, and your dick in the coke
"
91154,"LPT: If your girl ever asks you which of her friends you want to have a three-way with, DO NOT GIVE HER TWO NAMES!
"
196555,"What do you call a nose without a body? Nobody knows...
"
83143,"Santa probably regrets giving coal Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.
"
57179,"I think my neighbor is stalking me... as I saw her googling my name on her computer last night.I saw it through my telescope.
"
200579,"It was the busta rhymes, it was the worsta rhymes
"
127618,"I hate it when kids spell """"angel"""" as """"angle"""" They're just trying to be edgy.
"
94818,"Lady at the door asked if I'd found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don't think she'll be back.
"
54193,"What do you call a black persons toe? Ghetto
"
209134,"If you get a bigger bed You have both more and less bedroom
"
31428,"I like my men like I like mathematics. Hard.
"
155155,"Just bought a Subaru & it came with wet rescue dog nose marks on the windows, some pot & Whole Foods environmentally friendly shopping bags.
"
188067,"At geography class Little Jon is at school reading his geography book in class. The teacher tries to surprise him: - Where's England, Jon? He proudly answers: - Page 83.
"
218836,"One of my grandfather's favorites. What sound does a pubic hair make right before it hits the floor? """"Ptui""""
"
69700,"Life is like a box of chocolates If you're fat it's not going to last long.
"
189840,"I can honestly say that the """"Just Say No!"""" approach kept me completely drug free throughout my youth. Whenever I saw a group of kids doing drugs and I asked if I could try some, they just said """"No!""""
"
59561,"Which murderer is the safest to be stuck in an elevator with? The ax murderer of course. He will always ax you before murdering you.
"
36086,"I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
"
148547,"Why did Harrison Ford Crash his plane? because he was flying solo and went look no hans...
"
123008,"What did the girl with no arms get for Christmas? We don't know; she hasn't opened her presents yet.
"
167171,"what's the difference between light and hard you can sleep with the light on
"
12859,"You're mom is so poor... that if someone gave her the finger. She'd say thank you.
"
150080,"Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dickhead, I can let you know about it.
"
194473,"I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
"
142517,"When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
"
47281,"What's the same with 9/11 and Goliath and the giant? They were both caused by a message from god.
"
80704,"YO' MAMA IS LIKE... ASS HAIR Yo' Mama is like ass hair: totally useless and full of sh*t.
"
16020,"How do you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to say the word, """"unionized"""".
"
107767,"I thought you were good looking, until I clicked """"view more pictures""""
"
216685,"Fire destroys bloodmobile; blood bank trying to B positive about it
"
97964,"Why is North Korea going fail against America? They lack the element of supplies
"
188169,"Temperature in the office is set to Dante.
"
20768,"Why didn't the bear go to college? Because bears don't go to college.
"
9759,"Superman's Google searches: """"Strongest hero"""" """"Strongest hero. Not Hulk"""" """"Fastest hero"""" """"Fastest hero. Not Flash"""" """"Phone booth for sale""""
"
77866,"What do you call a Chinese man allergic to dogs? Starving.
"
75150,"Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area *refresh page* Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y.. """"no dont leave"""" *refresh page* Local Singles 7.8 Mile
"
223520,"There was a tragedy in Mexico.. It was a two car pile up 40 people died. Got any other funny jokes guys?
"
226357,"Why was the ocean so cranky? You'd be cranky too if you had crabs on your bottom.
"
160106,"Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging freely. It's the woman that make it hard.
"
126712,"What is a professors favourite snack? Academia Nuts.
"
72858,"Everyone is panicking about the stock markets.... But the 31 foot mexican ladder company I invested in is surging.
"
231422,"You know what I love about people who buy followers? I can laugh at their expense.
"
172819,"There are six American flags on the Moon. Five of them are still standing. Due to the strong UV radiation, they are all completely white by now. So it looks like the French landed there.
"
51035,"I guess that is what a Brazilian wax feels like.
"
179428,"Why do monks wear such plain clothes? It's a habit.
"
21024,"It's the same old story; boy meets girl in park... ... boy parks meat in girl
"
126252,"A husband and a wife were at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. """"Och, I look like a pig!"""" The man nods, """"And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!""""
"
187650,"I love the smell of my f5 key... It is very refreshing
"
223191,"So an introvert throws a party for introverts... Needless to say there was a shortage of corners in the house.
"
205515,"My girlfriend cheated on me I told her to leave the game.
"
74428,"fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey... worst first day ever
"
35223,"What's Pee-wee Herman's favorite entree? Stroganoff.
"
72361,"""""Dad, how do you feel about abortions?"""" """"Ask your sister!"""" """"I don't have a si- Oh.""""
"
55842,"Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer """"Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion"""".
"
152955,"Girl is asked by her teacher in class to use handsome in a sentence. (She pauses to think) Girl: Sometimes when I'm giving my bf a blowjob, my mouth gets tired... so then I use my *handsome*.
"
6094,"Someone just caught me picking my nose at a stop light. Had to just cut my losses and run the red light.
"
205415,"If cloning ever becomes real, I want 3 triceratops. I even already have names for them. Oneceratops, Twoceratops, and Jeff.
"
214198,"I woke my wife one night and said """"The force is awakening."""" She replied, """"Not tonight Hand Solo.""""
"
77297,"Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it.
"
101015,"Why are the reddit servers down so much? Because they're being beaten like a dead horse.
"
33796,"me: you know they never did catch the zodiac killer guy next to me on the bus: why do you keep saying that
"
198339,"What's the worst part about being a prostitute? The customer always comes first.
"
120386,"When I was young, I slipped on some spilled beans and broke my spine, paralysing myself... Oh what I'd have done with Heinzsight.
"
161295,"(NSFW) Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off.
"
15133,"Oscar Wilde once boasted that he could make a pun on any subject... Someone called out """"The Queen!"""" """"Ah"""", replied Wilde, """"but the Queen is not a subject.""""
"
44705,"if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them
"
178903,"I like my women like I like my spaghetti sauce... Prego
"
211975,"Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home? Me: I don't even think about work at work.
"
173402,"Why didn't the Mexican go bow hunting? Because he didn't habanero.
"
65904,"Hey, Jose! How many of our friends do you see? Just Juan.
"
129033,"Did you hear about the pair of university professors who got sued for sexual harassment? They were two lecturers.
"
77289,"Me: I have bad news about Bob. Friend: Bob from work or Bob that always fakes his own death? Me: *Drops shovel* Ut oh...
"
54471,"Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, """"Would you like a beer?"""" Descartes says """"I think not"""" and he drops dead.
"
213837,"Did you hear that the Post Office had to  recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were  confused about which side to spit on.
"
86685,"Q: What are the blonde's first words after 4  years of college? A: """"Would you like fries with that?""""
"
140905,"Shocked to see Gravity win a special effects award. Thought it was actually filmed in space
"
133988,"The fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account.
"
217952,"So I tried to enter """"penis"""" as my new e-mail password... But my computer said it was too short.
"
34166,"What's the difference between USA and USB? One has standards
"
37065,"I tried commiting suicide today. Never doing that shit again. I almost killed myself
"
211406,"Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
"
101025,"age 1: goo googa age 2: im a babada da age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i've been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
"
129558,"Your mom is so fat She's the trunk of the family tree
"
6670,"How do we create jobs? I thought he was already dead
"
82877,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Aida ! Aida who ? Aida more than I drink !
"
171434,"Did you hear about the Jewish doctor who gave a  patient six months to live? When the patient couldn't pay the doctor gave him another six months.
"
3899,"I think there's a better word for underwear... ... Butt hat's none of my business.
"
138095,"Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven was a six offender.
"
187684,"My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said """"maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes"""" 
"
51311,"My friend said I'm racist. But I'm not racist, I have one black friend.
"
110194,"Almost Instant Joy Find any Fast Song (Rap to Electro) Click Settings, Crank up the Speed 1.25: 1.5: Instant Twerk Music 2: The 2 is for 2Fast6You Only on Computers. RIP Phone Users
"
67927,"What did Ozzy Osbourne do after eating a whole Bull? He threw up the horns.
"
200438,"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking...J.K. Rowling
"
86578,"Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks? Him: Thought you said they were baked. Her: I said YOU were baked.
"
156656,"A man walks in on his roommate, Internet, crying in the other room. When he asks why, Internet sobs: """"Everything I touch turns gay!""""
"
56317,"PIGS A woman is walking her dog, when suddenly a man walks up to her. Man: """"Where'd you get the pig""""? Woman: """"How DARE you call my dog that!"""" Man: """"I was talking to the dog!""""
"
92433,"what do you call a sad cranberry? a blueberry =[
"
118444,"My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
"
7408,"So Trump says he picked a bunch of great people to run the government... But honestly, I've seen better cabinets at IKEA.
"
163736,"A girl called me """"sir"""" today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
"
99599,"I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat... She said it rang a bell but she didn't know if it was there or not.
"
156838,"A dyslexic atheist screamed out loud... THERE IS NO DOG!
"
35357,"Blind man walks into a bar... And a table, and a chair.
"
107599,"Nice jeans, everyone in the 90s.
"
104081,"What did Jupiter say to Saturn when he found out Saturn was pregnant? Did you planet?
"
169290,"What's the difference between an original joke and a repost? I dunno, i just click submit
"
2282,"What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt? If it's a good day lipstick
"
198881,"I organised a day of sponsored bungee jumping for the local disabled group... Perhaps calling it 'spastic on elastic' wasn't one of my greatest ideas...
"
2051,"What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat? One's weasily recognised - the other's stoatally different
"
26197,"A man is getting head from his wife... ...and tells her that he wants to cum in her ear. """"I'll go deaf!"""" she says. """"Yeah? Well I always cum in your mouth, but you never shut the fuck up!""""
"
127441,"My week is just five days of wishing I had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing I had something to do.
"
32474,"Here's to the stork that brings good babies, the raven that brings bad babies... And the swallow that brings no babies.
"
18279,"Ill tell you what I know about Dwarves Very little
"
20309,"What happened to Ray when he met the  man-eating monster? He became an ex-Ray.
"
184463,"LIFE HACK: hide a hot dog in your popcorn to give your date something to play with while you enjoy the movie
"
129608,"I Have a Joke About the Palestinian Refugee Crisis... ... But Israeli Bad.
"
230911,"I tried to do standup once They told me to sit back down
"
130765,"Man, Lord of the Rings has all kinds of people! White men, white elves, white dwarves, white trees, Gandalf the white, all the kinds!
"
62805,"Why do Pakistanis love football (soccer) so much? ... Because whenever they get a corner they open a 7/11. PS: I'm Pakistani and I found this joke to be hilarious.
"
174697,"absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
"
169398,"""""What the FUCK is going on?!?!?"""" - the Moon (July 21, 1969)
"
216391,"Give a man a fish... Give a man a fish and he'll throw it out and go to McDonald's. Teach a man to fish, and nope, still McDonald's.
"
182970,"What do you call a Polish aardvark? A Polaark!
"
73971,"What do you call a cow that starts it's own nudie magazine? Hugh Heifer
"
156111,"Lady pulled away with the gas pump still in her car and I was like OMG who's your dealer?
"
51231,"My greatest fear is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is being read aloud.
"
207078,"What's the best thing about bee's? It's knees.
"
193241,"In honor of the 30 year anniversary of the Challenger explosion. What does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts
"
188713,"Well well well... looks like someone put on some weight again. ~ my pants right now
"
41406,"Why is a fat dog so afraid of the dog catcher? Because they're paid by the pound.
"
3033,"So I beat a Russian Grand Master once. With his own cane.
"
172248,"Car company executives must have the best memories in the world because GM recalls everything.
"
223617,"Why are Black people so fast? [Don't say it in public] ... because all the slow ones are in Jail
"
94068,"Whats the medicine for people who are addicted to anal sex Trynoassatall
"
73215,"bury me in a dog park so i can be some dogs treasure
"
178086,"Sometimes when I say """"I'm OK"""", what I really want is for someone to give me a hug, say """"You're not OK"""" and hand me $10,000.
"
195891,"i wonder if china has fancy plates called america
"
214763,"Picture me eating dinner. Wrong! Louder. Drunker. Even more backup dancers.
"
10953,"A football team should setup a charity that gives presents to children with Down Syndrome ...and call it Touch Downs.
"
204427,"Why did the farmer get nominated for an award? Because he was outstanding in his field. Why didn't the farmer make it to the award ceremony? Because he was out standing in his field.
"
143925,"What did the cow say to the farmer named Mitch? Moo Mitch, get out the hay
"
223783,"Documentary I just finished watching a documentary on time machines. That's 3 hours of my life I'll probably get back.
"
13072,"You can tell if your gold chain is fake... ...by leaving the room and listening to see if it talks crap about you to other jewelry.
"
17624,"What do Marie Curies Notebooks and a defected KGB agent have in common? They both won't be investigated very closely.
"
186509,"America: Where stairs are only used for emergency escape purposes.
"
154934,"What's the difference between traffic and strawberries? You can eat strawberry jam.
"
143178,"""""Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..."""" """"Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that.""""
"
15900,"Parallel lines have so much in common... Its a shame they'll never meet.
"
2369,"Steve Irwin will always be in our hearts Just like the stingray needle in his.
"
122456,"wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous! me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
"
13668,"I pick and choose the traffic laws I'll follow.
"
1003,"Cops are looking for a man who robbed a store using scissors. They say the guy could be a real danger--unless you have a rock.
"
97805,"I've just invented a new word: """"plagiarism"""".
"
140496,"I was having a look... In my mothers bedroom the other day and I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in her wardrobe. I couldn't believe it... My mothers a superhero!!!!!
"
184264,"Dates are like golf strokes The fewer it takes for you to score, the better your game.
"
165517,"two toms and a hi-hat fall off a cliff... bu-dum tss
"
112535,"Q: What's black white and read all over? A: A newspaper.
"
20876,"What do you call homosexual Israelites? Fruit Jews
"
102425,"What do you call the largest angle? A Kurt Angle.
"
212057,"What do books wear on a rainy day? Rain Quotes
"
184732,"Reddit's integrity
"
59850,"Why did the rock star fail his depressing math exam? He couldn't get the saddest fraction.
"
17524,"""""Knock Knock."""" """"Who's there?"""" """"It's the Police, sir."""" """"You'll have to wait, I'm having a shit."""" """"We know, Sir, the Phone Box has glass sides!""""
"
166836,"I painted my computer black so it would run faster. Now it doesn't work. Then I painted my computer white so it would work. Now the whole system is corrupt.
"
177586,"~tips fedora at mosquito~ Mlaria
"
146404,"What name do you give to a frog? (croaky voice) ROBBERT
"
95943,"Please. Danger is my middle name. """"What's your first name?"""" Avoids
"
183291,"Have you seen the new movie Constipated? It hasn't come out yet
"
182598,"I've discovered the best way to get attention is to sit on the coffee table and meow loudly.
"
154497,"What does Batman get in his drink? Just ice
"
173200,"Just bought a sandwich at the airport so gonna have to put off buying a house for a while.
"
153809,"It's days like these.... When a man wakes up, looks around and thinks """"Yup, times are a changin!""""
"
78866,"Why are so many African Americans moving to Detroit? Because they hear there are no jobs there.
"
201425,"What is something that you can never eat for breakfast? Lunch and dinner.
"
52423,"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Teach a man to fire and he'll run for president.
"
96030,"I just received an email titled $50 TO SEE JUSTIN BIEBER LIVE I'm really the wrong person to email for these kind of ransoms.
"
135159,"What's better than a pair of Emerency Medical Technicians? A paramedic(s)!
"
122584,"What do you call a fish without any eyes? A fsh
"
224401,"What does a ship say when it is cold? Shiver me timbers!
"
78963,"How does a CANDU reactor work? By believing in itself.
"
198693,"My friends all say I'm extremely condescending... ...that means I talk down to people.
"
8149,"What do you get when you cross a Native American with phosphorylation? ATP
"
162894,"wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe? me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
"
31979,"I can see 4 years into the future! You can say I have 2020 vision
"
180522,"Letting Jesus in What do you call a man who let Jesus come inside of him? Gullible.
"
217555,"Q: Why did the commuter want the carpool driver to take the bridge? A: To avoid car-pool tunnel!
"
28761,"How do you get a drummer off of your porch? pay for the pizza.
"
150149,"Does Bill Cosby like puddin? Yeah, puddin his dick where it doesn't belong.
"
220941,"What did they stamp on the Asian baby as he came out of his mother's womb? Made in Va-China.
"
219207,"Friend: How do you spell """"SHOP""""? Me: S-H-O-P Friend: How do you say it? Me: """"Shop"""" Friend: What do you do when you get to a green light?
"
86533,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cicero ! Cicero who ? Cicero the boat ashore !
"
224549,"I, for one, is a pretty weak Scrabble play.
"
79708,"What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-naaaaa
"
104428,"You'll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
"
48538,"[trying to buy pants] Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
"
73602,"I was so happy when I got my new thesaurus in the mail. But when I opened it, every page was blank! Damn. I have no words to describe how upset I am.
"
119381,"The official dance for my new mixtape has 3 steps... Stop, drop, and roll!
"
56252,"Instead of an accountant, hire a philosopher to do your taxes. It's the thought that counts.
"
89169,"I still don't know what the word """"Suicide"""" means I've been killing myself trying to find the definition
"
77499,"What do you call inexplicably missing aioli? Awoli.
"
55546,"First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
"
23194,"If Romeo & Juliet didn't die and were allowed to marry, they'd have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other. So it was a happy ending
"
147916,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? That's not funny.
"
85896,"List of the best jokes on this sub: https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3x7nqa/list_of_the_best_jokes_on_this_sub/
"
74161,"What do you call a black man on the ISS? An astronaut.
"
199105,"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
"
46437,"What do pickles do to make themselves look more beautiful They get Vlasic surgery
"
199532,"Why did Adele cross the road? To say """"Hello"""" from the other side.
"
114213,"If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong
"
52855,"What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid? Reality
"
117068,"When those Subway """"$5 Footlong"""" commercials come on, every man is quietly calculating how much his penis is worth.
"
95460,"I'd tell you the one about the Jonestown Massacre, BUT... The punch line's too long.
"
54530,"dry skin? flaky scalp? discoloration? scaling? tongue bifurcating all by itself? hissing? legs fusing together? recently evicted a gypsy?
"
196748,"League of Legends, Dota, and Hearthstone are now on ESPN Title
"
154370,"What did the house turn into on the night of the full moon? A Warehouse.
"
83825,"What did the dyslexic, epilptic with hemorrhoids say? """"If I fits I sitz.""""
"
200253,"What's the difference between Snow-men and Snow-women? Snowballs.
"
56562,"They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
"
2461,"What is Chuck Norris' only weakness? Cancer
"
196026,"Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans? 'Cuz they were stalin'!
"
130430,"Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner? He got the cold shoulder
"
913,"Proper punctuation... Proper punctuation is the difference between """"helping your Uncle, Jack, off a horse"""" and """"helping your uncle jack off a horse"""" It's a classic, but a good one
"
208358,"What's black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight.
"
108674,"[THIS IS A REQUEST; DO NOT UPVOTE] Does anyone have a joke where the audience of the joke says the punchline? If this isn't the right place for this, kindly redirect me.
"
152478,"How many Karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? [repost] I don't care. I'm just doing this for the upvotes, but I think the other guy said ten... or 500... something like that.
"
30924,"Why are woman's feet always so cold in bed? Because they have no soles. Joke my fiancee just said to me.
"
183476,"How do Religious Education teachers mark exams? With spirit levels.
"
155178,"What do women and hand grenades have in common? When you pull the ring off, your house goes away.
"
32967,"What do Germans call their own EasyMac? Mein Kraft
"
178376,"Why is it called necrophilia and not sexual intercorpse
"
55388,"Did you hear about the Muslim artists who threw paint bombs at a building? They blue it up.
"
221746,"I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we're walking home with a cart.
"
37697,"A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
"
148156,"What is the best part of Pokemon Go? I can ride my bike indoors and professor oak can't do anything to stop me.
"
196523,"Why didn't the racist eat the middle of his sunny-side up egg? Because he only likes whites.
"
19139,"I had surgery today... It was touch n go at first until the doctor came in and made me stop playing grab ass with the nurses.
"
34920,"How Stevie Wonder looks at his life... 'Rather blind than black'
"
137383,"What do you call Neil DeGrasse Tyson with champagne poured over his chest? An Astro-fizzy-tits.
"
104057,"How much do Rabbi's charge for their circumcisions? Nothing. They just keep the tips.
"
60017,"I have found the secret to intradimensional travel
"
226840,"How do you shoot a great white shark?  Hold his nose until he turns blue and then you shoot him with a blue  shark spear gun!
"
11731,"Want to depress yourself? Realize that someday Tom Hanks will die. Want to cheer yourself up? Remember that right now, Tom Hanks is alive.
"
20269,"Daddy, there's a man at the door with a beard! Tell him I already have one.
"
133733,"Men: Don't lie to your woman, she'll catch you. Don't tell her the truth, she'll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.
"
142958,"What is R. Kelly's favorite group to feature? Black Guy Pees.
"
117247,"Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
"
96763,"I played Lady Gaga at Texas hold 'em. I lost because I fucking suck at cards.
"
204050,"So U.S. Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia died today while on a hunting trip... ...he must have gone with Dick Cheney.
"
202146,"What Do You Call It When Someone Has a Bad Experience With Weed? Blunt trauma.
"
28327,"Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a nobel prize? They said he was outstanding in his field
"
138962,"People are like songs.... some speak the truth and some just make sound.
"
43390,"Why did Hitler have a vitamin C deficiency? He hated juice.
"
174572,"My school is having a best joke contest tomorrow... gimme your best All I got is How do you spot a vegan at a party? Don't worry, they'll tell you.
"
16703,"What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes? Goesintight
"
12339,"I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series. 108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.
"
37097,"I want to work for YouTube. It sounds so easy! All you have to do is remove a few lines of code everyday!
"
159706,"If you find me dead after tweeting & driving, please hit SEND to get that final thought out there
"
174259,"I farted on the bus today and 4 people turned around. I felt like I was on The Voice!
"
89932,"Do you like pudding? Bill Cosby liked pudding his dick where it didn't belong.
"
56580,"Why is James Bond's favourite bartender played by Michael J Fox? He doesn't need to tell him to shake the martini.
"
197629,"I went to a Mechanic when my car started making these awful noises but it just turned out to be Nickelback playing on the radio.
"
203018,"Old one but still funny: Two Muffins are sitting in an oven... ... one muffin says to the other """"Damn its starting to get really hot in here."""" The other one says, """"HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!!""""
"
113109,"I broke up with my girlfriend, Ruth.. Now her friends call me ruthless. EDIT: Got hacked. Password and emailed changed, this post was changed to something else for a brief period by the hacker.
"
133809,"What did the demonic junkie get charged with? Two counts of possession
"
152465,"A teacher challenged 10 of her students to come with a pun each, the whole class would get no homework if one of them made her laugh. But no pun in 10 did.
"
212412,"Why you should definitely visit the Grand Canyon... Well... it's just plain *gorge*-ous
"
229063,"Osama was found hiding in mansion in Abbottabad. Talk abbot-a-bad place to try and hide...
"
78772,"I love walking around the house naked. Damn neighbors keep complaining. They think I should do it in the house.
"
132912,"Why was the milkman afraid on Christmas eve? The ghost of Christmas Pasteurisation.
"
36787,"A dinosaur walks into a bar and says. #RRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
"
21284,"Girl, you can call me the Pillsbury Doughboy because I got whatchu knead..
"
168199,"Never yell about your hatred towards black eyes at a NAACP convention.
"
212982,"I asked a friend if he'd eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked """"From whose dog?"""" I'm having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
"
149572,"How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
"
13636,"What do the World Trade Center and genders have in common? There used to be two of them, but now it's too offensive to talk about.
"
31927,"Give a dog a bone and you've made a friend for the day, teach a dog to bone and you'll have friends for life.
"
128150,"if i'm bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i'd have to login using facebook, i'd be fine w/just dyin
"
105253,"A physicist sees a man about to jump off from the top of Sears Tower... He yells to him """"Don't do it! You have so much potential!""""
"
22559,"Philippe Petit walked between the twin towers in 1974, big deal, I can do that today with no training. Just made that up, I hope it's not too soon.
"
32606,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with 3 legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Your mother
"
94893,"[Jesus at the bar] """"Oh, I'll just have a water"""" *winks at camera*
"
36774,"Why don't orphans play baseball? They have no home to run to
"
153073,"What's the difference between a sandwich and a germanwings plane? When the sandwich drops I'm sad.
"
26811,"Trash can and chileans(Geopolitic humour) what is the difference between a trash can and a Chilean? The word
"
171055,"I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person's duck
"
14950,"Mom: Time to wake updog. Son: *groggily* What's updog? Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what's up wit u? Dad (from hallway): OWNED
"
217054,"Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
"
6349,"Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
"
132619,"A man walks into a bar... ...and is sent to the hospital with a severe head injury.
"
1134,"If women can do anything that men can do, then why haven't they ever suppressed an entire gender before? Its a joke lady's.
"
18227,"I'm thinking of something really stupid to tweet -all of us all the time
"
222518,"How many consultants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I'm not sure but I'll have an answer for you next Monday.
"
206911,"What came first, the chicken or the egg? The rooster, then he rolled over and fell asleep.
"
178245,"How can you tell if an envelope is gay? It comes in the mail.
"
114032,"""""The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus. He doesn't believe in Santa Claus. He is Santa Claus.""""
"
8313,"use words like 'perpendicular' when you language at people so they think you is good with vocabularying
"
128628,"I'm doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I'm in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
"
75555,"My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
"
173048,"We could have saved 10 - 15 lives a year if Noah would have just said """"ya know what, bears? No"""". Plus the Cubs wouldn't be a team.
"
7738,"Doctor: """"Hey, how are you?"""" Patient: """"I am good"""" Doctor: """"Ok. Next.""""
"
54625,"If the opposite of impossible is Possible & the opposite of immature is Mature, you can conclude that i'm a very Portant person to some.
"
217510,"Atheists are like a broken pencil They're missing the point
"
212074,"I'm in a Josef Fritzl tribute band... You probably haven't heard of us, we're pretty underground.
"
106868,"What's the difference between a pizza and a jew? The pizza doesn't scream in the oven
"
170061,"Why didn't the dog want to play football ? It was a boxer !
"
224216,"Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents
"
175942,"What's a paedophile's favourite musical scale? A minor
"
75386,"People who write """"loosing"""" when they mean """"losing"""" need to get loost.
"
95882,"Silly Billy went in a library and said, """" I would like to have a pizza."""" Librarian - """" Sir, this is a library."""" Billy goes near his ear and whispers - """" I would like to have a pizza.""""
"
34384,"My worst 3 subjects in school we're Math and English.
"
65850,"Give a man a jacket, and he will be warm for the day. Teach a man to jacket, and he will never leave his house.
"
203970,"What did one necrophiliac say to the other as they walked by the morgue? """"You wanna stop in and suck down a couple of cold ones?""""
"
88605,"I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor I couldn't handle the pressure.
"
75712,"I know a guy who refuses to use anything except paper money. But he says he's trying to change.
"
93464,"I dated a lizard once but he had a-reptile dysfunction so it didn't work out.
"
73312,"Q: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? A: They're making headlines!
"
40137,"Doctor: It looks like you're pregnant Woman: I'm pregnant? Doctor: No it just looks like you are
"
157163,"I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on. Then I dropped it onto her nose. She's awake now.
"
178564,"What sickness do cowboys get from riding wild horses? Bronchitis (bronc-itis).
"
177192,"*Dive rolls across the room naked Her- Why don't you just buy curtains?
"
35170,"""""It's impossible."""" said pride. """"It's risky."""" said experience. """"It's pointless."""" said reason. """"Ggrraadrttgrrtrr."""" said Chewbacca.
"
197473,"Nick Saban walks into a bar... to watch the College Football Championship
"
80319,"What's the difference between a suicidal ghost hunter and a weaboo alcohol taster? One drinks bleach and watches spirits; the other drinks spirits and watches Bleach.
"
82488,"Its Wrong To Have Sex Before Marriage Girl (While moaning during sex) : Its wrong. Boy : But I love you. Girl : No its wrong. Boy : I will marry you soon. Girl : You stupid cunt, the hole is wrong.
"
215485,"As soon as you take a single slice of pizza... ...there's no longer enough to go around.
"
51186,"Did you hear what the Pope was giving up for lent? His job.
"
172953,"What was the anti-aging makeup company's slogan? Make America 8 again
"
219246,"How do you know when a vampire is sick? He starts coffin...
"
78301,"Life Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life, no one helps you once you're fucked!
"
55897,"Flashing my Costco card at the lady at the entrance is the closest I'll ever get to feeling like I'm on the VIP list at the clubs.
"
180126,"What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? A man's undivided attention!
"
101168,"Was Johann Sebastian Bach wealthy? No, he was baroque.
"
39875,"What do you call a burnt nugget? nigget
"
77853,"With all this uranium on Reddit, we should remember not to swallow any. You'll get atomic ache
"
111272,"Two foot fetishists are sitting in the back of a police van. One turns to the other says: """"I think we got off on the wrong foot.""""
"
208360,"My upstairs landlord asked if screams were coming from my apt or if she was dreaming. Either way, one of us has a terrifying neighbor.
"
69209,"Diplomacy is saying """"nice doggy"""" until you find a big rock.
"
78582,"Hey girl are you like a gorilla exhibit? Cause I want to drop a baby in you.
"
179880,"The Russian skater has a mullet. Glasnost in front, Perestroika in back.
"
197862,"A man enters his house with a duck under his arm and says """"See, this is the pig I've been screwing"""". """"What do you mean? That's not a pig."""" his wife replies. """"I wasn't talking to you"""".
"
98858,"Did you hear about those Indian heptuplets who became dangerous criminals? They were known as the Seven Deadly Singhs.
"
104708,"Why are setups to jokes so important? because seven ate nine.
"
46053,"How many ADD kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? WANNA RIDE BIKES??
"
71922,"How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? You strangle it until it turns blue, and then shoot it with the blue elephant gun.
"
93934,"At least my parents April fools joke wasn't a child. /u/ChodeologyPHD came up with this.
"
209070,"50 years ago you had to get really fucking drunk to drop your phone in a urinal.
"
86833,"How does a Jewish guy make beer? Hebrews it. :)
"
11650,"My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn't reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
"
129576,"Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
"
144664,"The main lumberjack at my company does some minor computer hacking in his spare time... ...he's our key logger.
"
41653,"Why are orphans terrible baseball players? They don't know where home is.
"
153577,"A boy is asking santa for a heavy sweater for christmas present so santa send him a sumo wrestler
"
207772,"Bees Q; What kind of bees make milk? A; Boobies
"
189231,"My girlfriend asked me to stop singing The Monkees. I thought she was lying, but then I saw her face...
"
19426,"What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey
"
137159,"What is a racists favorite Disney film? 101 Damn'Asians.
"
194671,"""""Great, those annoying white people that talk loud and take all the good seats just walked in"""" -everyone else in the coffee shop in Friends.
"
224830,"What do you get if your Kia is stolen in Finland? No Kia
"
225247,"Where does a 19th century Russian imperialist get his coffee? Tsarbucks.
"
116128,"How do you call for a bath? With a Teletubbie.
"
23912,"What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost. Fasten your sheet belt.
"
91737,"You know what you call a marine with an IQ of 160 A platoon.
"
10131,"Whose son was Edward the Black Prince ? Old King Coal !
"
97693,"You think you've got problems?I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.
"
116682,"I was in a cafe the other day when I overheard this: """"Can you please stop listening to our conversation?""""
"
27793,"How do you know that Hogwarts is feminist friendly? The entrance is a dumbledore.
"
123771,"what did the captain say when the navigator complained they were off course? don't give me that latitude
"
46547,"What do you get from pampering your cow? Spoiled milk.
"
203558,"You laugh at the burrito in my purse, until you get hungry.
"
11347,"How long is a 0 or 1? Just a little bit.
"
168556,"Not impressed with the speed of the internet back in my day, I could open my bedroom window in the fall and get Chile.
"
145319,"What do you get when you mix a donkey &amp; a onion? A Piece of ass that'll bring a tear to your eye
"
166245,"""""You fancy my best friend, don't you?"""" asked my wife. """"If given the choice..."""" I replied, """"I'd rather have sex with you then her."""" """"You mean 'than'."""" """"No.""""
"
1974,"I was going to say a gay joke but fuck it.
"
95631,"DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape? JUDGE: I'll allow it PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF JUDGE: Let's see where he goes with this
"
11958,"Don't go to a fight with a gun or a knife, Bubblewrap yourself, People won't fight when there's bubblewrap
"
93406,"Me and my horse walked into a bar... The bartender said, """"Why the wrong case?""""
"
22870,"Who Has a Chance for the Title: The World's First Gay Ass Motherfucker? Brody Jenner, Bruce's / Caitlyn's son First joke posted.
"
25957,"My wife was fixing the caulk around our tub... Me: You should use some caulk softener to make that easier. Wife: Is that like a picture of your mom or something? (actual conversation)
"
163595,"I finished off a pizza today like it was planning to testify against me in court.
"
202265,"I used to really enjoy smoking cigarettes... but now it tastes like they simply turn to ash in my mouth.
"
128836,"Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
"
85585,"i just dropped my phone without the case on it and i can't tell what hit the ground faster my phone or my tears
"
104833,"Dammit I hate when the bus breaks down and I am far and away the most delicious looking passenger.
"
63659,"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? Dad.
"
49137,"What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend? Homeless
"
20739,"*friend gets divorced Mon* *friend goes on date Tues* *I break up with boyfriend* *15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
"
87104,"How to tell an Irishman from a Scotsman on St. Patrick's day? One wants to stay drunk all the time and the other doesn't want to pay the tab.
"
24839,"I like my women the way I like my coffee Tied up in a burlap sack and slung over the back of Juan Valdez's mule.
"
126755,"What do you call a Scotsman that's been strangled to death by his own clothing? Kilt.
"
30315,"Today I went to an Indian restaurant and asked for bread They told me they had naan.
"
192310,"Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
"
222154,"I don't think I could date a deaf person... I couldn't take the silent treatment!
"
12889,"I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them
"
120253,"What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbanzo Bean? I didn't just pay $500 to have a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
"
24069,"Milky Way is Snicker's nut-less, gay little brother.
"
11497,"Where do you guys stand on the cheese debate? I'm staunchly pro-volone.
"
8726,"This table is a bit wobbly, one of the legs appears to be shorter, Luckily I have just been given a copy of the new album by Nickleback
"
81387,"[on quiz show] """"and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?"""" *leans way too close into the microphone* spend it alex
"
121619,"""""I'm not racist but..."""" - Britain
"
51309,"Aches and Pains by Arthur Ritis
"
136544,"My wife once told me she was a rich b***h. Turns out she was only half right...
"
134305,"The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
"
152924,"So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh? *changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
"
153390,"""""Is Pepsi OK?"""" - World's worst drug dealer
"
223929,"How do rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump Kin
"
83482,"HIV Test Where are you getting your test done, at a gay bar? Hey doc do you feel the HIV in my ass yet? Almost, I need to finish first. (As the gay doc fucks your ass and puts the hiv in you.)
"
56430,"Did you hear about the Rabbi who made his own fireworks? He called them Mazel Tov Cocktails ^(I am **so** sorry) ^^I'll ^^see ^^myself ^^out.
"
111817,"Saw some snails fighting in my driveway... They were really slugging it out.
"
129622,"Why did the Frenchman not want two eggs for breakfast? Because one egg is un oeuf.
"
53544,"Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight
"
199433,"What's a Polygon? A dead parrot.
"
95975,"When does a cup stop being a cup and start being a mug? When it gets a handle on life.
"
19332,"""""There"""" - Where's Waldo? Cliffs Notes
"
107539,"Did you hear about the new nightclub that opened called """"Erectile Dysfunction""""? No? I'm not surprised; it was a complete flop. Nobody came.
"
33571,"Why Doe's Ellen Pao suck? Because of my big tits.
"
118402,"What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Putting the wheelchair in the oven
"
186417,"What did Lawrence Taylor say when they told him the prostitute he was with 15? """"That bitch told me she was 13!""""
"
201604,"Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that's why I'll never give Jesus my real phone number.
"
181783,"What's the difference between Mike Jones and Michael Jordan? Mike Jones is Still Tippin'.
"
21205,"Two television sets got married. The wedding was boring, but the reception wasbeautiful.
"
158826,"How do dubstep DJs masturbate? They wub one out
"
96122,"My girlfriend has twelve breasts. It seems kind of freaky, dozen-tit?
"
150607,"Keep dimming automatically, laptop screen. We love that.
"
220836,"What do astronomers do when they have nowhere else to turn? They default in our stars
"
61737,"FUNNY SEX JOKES ;) Do you like dragons? Because i'll be dragon my balls all over your face
"
2304,"Why are there more female than male archeologists? They always want to find a new bone.
"
11640,"How do you get Pikachu on the bus? Poke 'em on!
"
89964,"A Boston Marathon runner was asked about his experience. He said it was a blast.
"
197467,"Oh, Ed! They should come up with something like Uber, but with horseback riding... Maybe call it Wilbur?
"
1713,"What do you call Trump and Hillary buried up to their necks in sand? Progress
"
226562,"Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs Me: going through a Denny's trash bin I: but you might get this job M: haha that's... irrelevant
"
160661,"What do (does?) Rihanna and Onion Rings have in common? They're both battered.
"
29972,"What is Bruce Lee's Favourite Drink? WOTAHHHHHH
"
47184,"Make love to a woman's mind, and her body will follow in kind
"
127534,"Did you guys hear about the CEO of Reddit? I heard he's a great guy.
"
46718,"Santa is like fathers... He only comes when the kids are asleep
"
31756,"My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
"
134018,"Twilight is like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its millions of fans insist you just don't understand.
"
67570,"I've been working with NASCAR on redesigning the track for more variety, but it's tough I just can't seem to get it right
"
87720,"Whoever said """"only the good die young"""" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.
"
39189,"If you're afraid of elevators Take steps to avoid them.
"
1354,"Cutest thing I saw today was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently
"
751,"What do you call a witch who kills her mother and father? An orphan.
"
203220,"I asked Barack Obama if we could get together later, and he said Yes We Can!
"
65264,"What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne waits until a boy is 13 to come on his face.
"
70969,"What did the fat math teacher say after a large Thanksgiving dinner? (-1)/8! Edit: I clearly don't know how to math.
"
5568,"I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.
"
104641,"Sometimes I bring maracas to a meeting just to shake things up.
"
202099,"Have you seen Stevie Wonder's house? ...neither has he!
"
221567,"Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor
"
137789,"""""I'm here for the orgy?"""" - Things you shouldn't say when walking into a work meeting.
"
2140,"Just when I think I'm 100% against the death penalty, I see a bright yellow hummer taking up two parking spots.
"
531,"hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on
"
195067,"An old man cheats on his wife The wife asks: """"Why? What does she have that I don't?"""" Her Husband answers: """"Parkinson's"""".
"
59447,"What do you call batman when he skips church? christian bale
"
19771,"How does a train eat? It goes chew chew
"
127847,"Hey! I took my diaper off, see? Oh! Look! I found your power drill! Gonna go see if it fits an outlet.. Bye! -My 2yo when I'm on the toilet
"
31921,"""""Inside of a ring or out, ain't nothing wrong with going down. It's staying down that's wrong.""""  Muhammad Ali
"
148930,"How many tickles does it take to make an Octopus laugh? Ten Tickles
"
98780,"What do Italians do when they're waiting for somthing? They pasta time.
"
82303,"A man proposes. A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her: *Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World* Looking bewildered she replied: **You want Both !!!??**
"
200024,"If my third grade teacher hasn't taught me that little rhyme about spelling.... I'd still be spelling cieling and nieghbor wrong.
"
15326,"A Ukrainian playwright has written two comedic satires of the current war. 1. Crimea River and 2. Donetsk, Don't Tell
"
32604,"There's a band called 1023MB It hasn't had any gigs yet.
"
7545,"Shot my dog 's'mornin' Farmer: """"Shot my dog 's'mornin' Friend: """"Were he mad?"""" Farmer: """"Twernt too pleased.""""
"
46333,"Charles Dickens' book on wine making, Grape Expectations.
"
169262,"The instructions said if my erection lasts longer than four hours to see a doctor... My calculus professor was no help at all.
"
148537,"You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
"
94406,"What kind of fish would be good to tune a piano? Oh, you guessed it right ... the tuna fish!
"
112342,"I asked a new zealander how many sexual partners he has had. He fell asleep counting.
"
13145,"I read somewhere that only 2/11 jokes are funny. Well, what I read was that 9/11 jokes are never funny, but I like to be positive.
"
4684,"Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service? It's just one cent per scent sent!
"
174488,"What's a 6.9? Another great thing screwed up by a period.
"
40215,"I'm thinking of going as a pimp for Halloween. Anybody know how the CEO of Wells Fargo dresses?
"
6089,"Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they'll clean my house.
"
143173,"Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous You're practically begging for typos.
"
158642,"I was in bed with the wife the other night and she said if I turned the bedside light out she'd take it up the arse... Maybe I should have let it cool down a bit first.
"
182828,"I took my wife to see the doctor today hoping to sort out her tourettes problem. It turns out she doesn't have it... I am a bastard and she really does want me to f**k off...
"
169072,"Teach a man to fish and feed him for a day. Shoot him in the face and never have to deal with that whiny douchebag again.
"
155865,"NEVER shake a baby. Unless you think it might have money in it.
"
181328,"I heard a great HIPAA joke yesterday But I can't tell you !
"
193282,"Scientists announce porpoises are second to man in intelligence levels. So that pushes women down to third place. Sorry
"
149571,"Meeting new people and trying my best to act all sunglasses emoji.
"
79092,"Gas should cost /gallon. Since the price is irrational.
"
135690,"Canada day isn't about cheap jokes, you guys. You're forgetting what the holiday is all aboot.
"
152687,"Why do they play this music on the elevators if we're not suppose to slow dance:)
"
94917,"After watching the 6th sense I have been searching all over for the previous five movies with no luck
"
130267,"very windy and rainy out today.... THANKS TRUMP
"
230301,"What's the best part of a race riot All of the free sports jerseys
"
24926,"What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Quatro Cinco
"
185555,"Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
"
69170,"With the 1st overall pick in the Whose Line is it Anyway fantasy tennis draft Is Wayne Brady gonna have to Djokovic?
"
90069,"A grasshopper goes into a bar... and the bartender says, """"Hey! We have a drink named after you."""" The grasshopper says, """"You have a drink named Phil?""""
"
176620,"A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is... """"Don't put that on Facebook!""""
"
196633,"I asked Dad why we put cookies on the counter for Santa.. Dad replied """"because thats the way the cookie crumbles""""
"
150597,"Here's a joke about North Korea [This post has been removed by the North Korean Government]
"
34017,"What does a rock do all day? Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)
"
167685,"How does a Muslim find a goat in tall grass? Sexier when his child bride is holding it.
"
14512,"When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write """"HELP ME"""" while maintaining eye contact
"
127052,"what does one do on the fine summers day when the toothbacks all say tooth?
"
210449,"Going to youtube with your VPN set to Germany on :/
"
30521,"I masticate at least three times a day, usually at my computer Damn sticky keys!
"
160579,"My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
"
109235,"My statistics professor is certain he will get in shape this year. He's doing confidence intervals.
"
78036,"""""HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!"""" """"Has it got ears?"""" """"YEAH."""" """"Tail?"""" """"YEAH."""" """"Is it the dog?"""" """"I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF--AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!""""
"
129571,"So I've heard there's a heroin epidemic among white teens... I guess they're used to shooting up to solve their problems
"
185215,"You can insult anyone you want, as long as you end the sentence with """"but in a good way"""".
"
16338,"What's the difference between Colonel Custer and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians
"
88606,"2 snails There were 2 snails on the back of a turtle. One of the snails turned to the other and said """"hold on.""""
"
21360,"What you call a pre-op MtF transsexual who visits another city? A tourist trap.
"
158942,"What is the worst thing about locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside and ask for a coat hanger.
"
58944,"""""I'm better than you because I can fly and my body is a boat."""" ~ Ducks
"
231584,"At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.
"
209807,"""""Actually, I'll have you know I have a degree in liberal arts"""" """"That's great ma'am, but I ordered fries with my meal""""
"
139021,"hey don't shoot me, i'm just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
"
149859,"People nowadays take pictures, not for memories, but to post them on Facebook and get comments.
"
121785,"What do you call a Japanese suicide bomber? Wasabi
"
213302,"I bet Lincoln is looking down like """"dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater""""
"
217463,"I've been having a bad feeling lately.. I think one of my dads might be gay.
"
27656,"2 birds talking to each other I think I need to take a shit. What are you waiting for? A car.
"
136504,"A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
"
212895,"Imagine PREDATOR is a sequel to E.T. Now enjoy both films more.
"
196966,"I saw a refrigerator call a cab once Guess he was tired of running.
"
5788,"What do pigs do on nice afternoons? They go on pignics.
"
161746,"When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think """"you fucking dirty bastard""""
"
76648,"""""My water-bowl wasn't filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes."""" --Cats
"
72330,"I rented The Interview on ITunes tonight. I have to say it was the most boring movie I've ever seen. Two hours into it and it still isn't ready to play.
"
95697,"I'd be a more productive writer if the machine I use 2 write wasn't also the machine I use 2 find pics of celebrity nipples.
"
50367,"People are like snowflakes. When they pile up on my car windshield, it's difficult to drive.
"
121397,"I'll always remember what my uncle said before he passed on up... """"Flying houses? Talking dogs? That movie looks dumb.""""
"
31658,"What happens when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen? Well, the mess is the same but the annoying jabbering stops.
"
132467,"I'm surrounded by sex addicts & alcoholics. So glad I found y'all.
"
114086,"Haters gonna hate, potaters gonna potate.
"
25186,"My girlfriend accused me of sleeping with her sister and I was like, """"How can that be possible when her snoring keeps me up all night?""""
"
145713,"Got pulled over tonight. Cop asked if I had any weapons. I showed him my guns. He laughed.
"
228320,"What's worse than being stuck in traffic behind a driver that's vaping? Realizing that your being intently watched for your reaction to their sic clouds - BEST RECOGNIZE!
"
50666,"Whats green and can kill you if it gets between your teeth? A tractor
"
22043,"Someone with Celiac disease but still eats wheat... Is a gluten for punishment.
"
912,"The Walking Dead Season Finale Check back in six months for the punchline.
"
73627,"Republicans believe every day is the 4th of July... Democrats believe every day is April 15.
"
29664,"If you cross a telephone and a pair of  scissors what do you get? Snippy answers.
"
200886,"What do you call a lesbian that you can't understand? A mad lib...
"
24349,"ISIS """"Preventing the theft of unattended baggage since 1989""""
"
190581,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Eye Patch Barbie ...with a choice of eye patch colors: purple hot pink or aqua!
"
37984,"How to talk to a good girl and bad girl When you talk to a good girl, ask 'How are you?' When you talk to a bad girl, ask 'How much are you?'
"
31426,"[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me] Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
"
64419,"Why shouldn't you take your clothes off while riding the elevator? It could get you an in descent exposure charge.
"
23811,"Jury remains deadlocked in the case of Good Times v. Bad Times
"
119462,"A driver gets pulled over for improper use of a carpool lane.. Cop: """"Carpool lane is 2 or more passengers and I don't see your second passenger."""" Driver: """"well I'm just beside myself.""""
"
13179,"If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of true love? The swallow.
"
162740,"If you watch The Ring backwards it's about a young Asian girl who emerges from a well to start a 7 day VCR repair company.
"
183816,"Okay, let's get this straight. There's no way EVERYONE has the best boyfriend in the world.
"
207812,"Voyager 1 left the solar system 1 year ago and still gets a better signal than an iPhone in my apartment.
"
9351,"Farting in an elevator is.... WRONG.....on so many levels.....
"
145535,"[at the gun store] Me: I'll take that gun & a box of ammo Clerk: that'll be $250 Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
"
217624,"*murderer looking for me* Murderer: I'm just a poor boy nobody loves me... Me under bed: *cry sings* He's just a poor boy from a poor family
"
151380,"The German radiologist always saw the wurst in people.
"
153910,"Dogs playing poker Why are dogs bad at poker? Because they wag their tails whenever they have a good hand. Why did John's dog win the poker tournament? Because he's a Doberman.
"
207540,"Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
"
201939,"i hope toy story 3 is about woody and buzz trying to save the asian child workers that made them.
"
75141,"This is the funniest joke you'll ever read, I promise! [removed]
"
118528,"I'm sorry I can't go out tonight because of the internet.
"
211340,"""""It's a boy!"""" I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.
"
23097,"What did one angel say to the other? """"Halo.""""
"
160042,"My gran fell asleep last night while she was eating piri piri chicken She had a cheeky nan dose
"
180881,"To all newly married guys..... If you screw up Valentine's Day, you'll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
"
187802,"What do you call it when a chameleon can't change colors? Ereptile dysfunction
"
32931,"Of course, """"The Situation"""" isn't his real name. It's Theodore Situationson.
"
172745,"Where do you drown a hipster? The Mainstream.
"
48671,"Did you hear about the teacher who was trying to  instil good table manners in her girls? She told them that a well brought girl never crumbles her bread or rolls in her soup.
"
49463,"People say Millennials are entitled... but have you ever tried to tell an old lady her coupon has expired?
"
152843,"I now determine the days of the week based on Twitter. Is it Follow Friday yet?
"
50182,"I said to the shoe salesman - I'd like to return these shoes... They've got holes in them! Shoe Salesman - Hmmmm yes, that certainly seems to be the Crocs of the matter.
"
10797,"A man walks into a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It was a shih tzu
"
26928,"If the fortune has turned her back on you, you can do whatever you want behind her back.
"
82085,"Sponsor a Child I was thinking of sponsoring a child in Africa. But him being so far away, how could I be sure he actually completed the Fun Run?
"
149613,"Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated... Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
"
2503,"""""well well well, if it isn't the person who didn't like my Instagram photo"""" is how i like to address pretty much everyone
"
78518,"Drummer joke What is the difference between a podiatrist and Ginger Baker? A podiatrist bucks up your feet.
"
181656,"My Life Thats the joke
"
87230,"Things a raccoon and I have in common: 1) Dark circles around the eyes. 2) Likes eating junk. 3) We're both cute but will kill you.
"
89032,"Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said """"This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things""""
"
189076,"What do women and condoms have in common? They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.
"
38244,"There are 3 types of guys in this world  1) Handsome  2) Lucky  3) Me
"
180277,"Whats the difference between OP and a magical ram? One is a Fey Goat, while the other is a [karma whore](/spoiler).
"
52632,"The last time I twisted the night away it resulted in two law suits and a medicare plan.
"
189706,"I wore a Seattle Seahawks jersey to my midterm today. I know I shouldn't but ill pass.
"
150612,"3 Big things happened to me today 1) My neighbor said he didn't like me    2) My neighbor got hit by a bus 3) I lost my bus drivers license
"
21815,"Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
"
119067,"I went to this zoo. All they had there was this one dog... It was a Shi-tzu
"
30422,"I learned 'I' before 'E' except after 'C' but some words are WEIRD.
"
59252,"my mom's cat has been in our family since 2002 and i never saw it get a boner til tonight. animals are awful and perverted
"
122342,"I want to make a school shooting joke, but that might seem offensive. I think I should aim for a younger crowd.
"
122863,"A deer walks out of a gay bar """"Damn I can't believe I just blew 50 bucks!""""
"
89443,"What do the Montreal Canadians and marijuana addicts have in common? Both of them smoke the leafs
"
187157,"I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and sh*t myself.
"
38019,"My girlfriend called me a pedophile Which is a pretty big word for a 9 year old
"
80270,"How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to """"Yes I'll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me""""?
"
8996,"What do you call a fish with 27 eyes? Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish
"
177158,"A Roman walks into a bar.... ...Holds up two fingers and says """"five beers please"""".
"
59618,"All racist jokes are the same If you've heard Juan you heard Jamal.
"
103403,"Lindt have done well this Christmas They've made a killing
"
128345,"When I was a kid people used to cover me in chocolate and cream and place a cherry on top of my head. Yeah, life was tough in the gateau...
"
26046,"My Dad just had a stairlift installed in the house. Its driving him up the wall.
"
114810,"I know a certain right hand that is going to be getting VERY lucky tonight...
"
133162,"What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Fitting the wheelchair in the oven.
"
92102,"At my high school reunion while everyone was bragging I said,""""I'm finally allowed in public without an armed chaperone.""""
"
30362,"What do porn stars and prostitutes say when they wake up in the morning? Time to suck today's dick!
"
52093,"Why did the aliens choose to not invade and enslave the human race? Because they're not garbage collectors.
"
29927,"I got in a car accident with a guy with a premature ejaculation problem I swear he came out of no where
"
149872,"Long ago I got my first job as a circumciser. The pay was not much but I collected a lot of tips.
"
136646,"What's E.T. short for? Because he has wee legs
"
52689,"Why did Hitler send people to concentration camps? Because they had ADD.
"
203762,"I need help, my wife was killed in a hit and run.. Why would someone drive through the kitchen?
"
84012,"How do cows communicate? Moorse code.
"
68965,"Dear God, when I said six zeros salary, I didn't mean only zeros.
"
151924,"My 2-year-old ate the crust off her pizza but left the cheese and pepperoni untouched. Apparently I'm raising the Antichrist.
"
9504,"Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016? Those on Team Great Britain, because they'll leave.
"
172970,"If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I'm very annoying, and they return me to safety.
"
204715,"A man came back from the fruit and veg shop without buying anything. The trip was fruitless. edit: wording
"
50019,"What do ghosts watch if they want to relax? Skelly-vision!
"
67522,"What's the worst part about locking your keys in your car outside of an abortion clinic? Going inside to ask for a coat hanger.
"
212956,"Hey, people who don't properly re-seal your half empty bags of potato chips... what's it like eating spider eggs?
"
228935,"Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drown in his tea pee.
"
173042,"Which way do 5 gay guys move? In One Direction. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t45i8cjHzko&amp;feature=youtube_gdata_player
"
148426,"How can the blind not see... Get rid of the Jews if he can't see what color their eyes are?
"
29673,"A blind man walks into a bar... ... Then in a table, then in a chair...
"
111718,"Knock knock Who's there? Obesity. Obesity who? Obesity is not a joke it's a wake-up call.
"
142453,"Nokia But it's my Kia
"
221637,"2 scientists enter a bar... The first scientist asks the bartender : """"H2O please"""" and drinks his water. The second scientist asks : """"H2O too please"""", drinks it and dies.
"
28586,"What does Santa Claus and Jared from Subway have in common? They both leave kid's homes with empty sacks.
"
208040,"Have you heard of the two Mexican firemen? Hose-A and Hose-B.
"
205843,"January 1, 1990 Go change it.
"
53844,"I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's gran. She's an animal in bed.
"
24711,"These twins I knew in high school both got mono... They got stereo
"
61264,"Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don't see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.
"
151549,"You don't need to write """"imo"""". Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
"
47691,"Louis Lane """"there is no way broccoli is a superfood!"""" Broccoli *takes spectacles off* Louis Lane """"My God! Look, it's a superfood!""""
"
51455,"DIRTY Why does Bill Clinton play saxophone? Because he lost his whoremonica
"
165168,"How can you tell your room mates gay? His dick tastes like shit.
"
80851,"A carny invited me back to her place for a good time last night... She wasn't kidding, there were bumper cars, a ghost train and a mechanical bull. I had a blast!
"
189960,"I installed IOS 9 Beta. And it shot up my school.
"
153498,"Why did the two chicken crossed the road? Because The Hound wanted to eat both of them.
"
57620,"What is a Redditor's favorite car brand? The Snoobaru.
"
174305,"Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What's that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
"
74353,"What would you get if you crossed a skunk with a type of Easter candy? Smelly beans!
"
148316,"What's black white and red all over Michael Jackson in a blender.
"
136742,"How do you know if a black lady is pregnant? If she pulls out her tampon and all the cotton has been picked.
"
64893,"So I painted my laptop black, hoping it would run faster Now it doesn't work.
"
35177,"I'd definitely watch a show with Dr. Phil going door to door reading people's Google search history out-loud with the most judgmental stare.
"
126934,"I have an anorexic girlfriend. She's great, but I'm starting to see less and less of her.
"
74281,"How can you tell someone's a navy seal? they'll tell you in their novel.
"
152505,"A man gestures to an empty parking lot... and says, """"This is all asphalt."""" Then his ass says, """"Don't blame me.""""
"
53594,"What did the cave woman use as a dildo? A fucking rock
"
62953,"Why was the chicken kicked out of class? For using *fowl* language.
"
193589,"What is the most common death among square dancers? Over Do-se-do.
"
24936,"I have two tickets to the Euro's final.. problem is it's on the same day as my wedding... So if anyones interested it's at St.Peters church in Brighton and her name is Sarah.
"
194273,"2000 pounds of crap music = 1 reggaeton.
"
72521,"What's the difference between being hungry and horny? Where you put the cucumber
"
145009,"aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
"
218015,"I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal """"Rewards Dagger"""" that gets me a discount everywhere.
"
64043,"BARNES: """"What if it wasn't just empty cabinets?"""" NOBLE: """"Let's sell books!"""" AND: """"This is why we make such a great team.""""
"
26477,"What did the hungry dyslexic order at the movie theater? Cop porn * This is probably already a joke but I'm experiencing a huge coffee crash so it was hilarious to me.
"
167429,"What's the name of Michael J Fox's dry-cleaner? Park and Sons. /Park en sons/ http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t57/Thomzilla/Fazed/michael_j_fox_shaken_not_stirred.gif
"
17875,"There's no law that says you can't use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.
"
160407,"What every man wants to hear after sex:
"
228809,"Hubs says when I drink I'm """"too loud"""" and use too many """"big words."""" WELL I'M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
"
195373,"""""FREEZE! NOBODY MOVE!""""  Mother Nature
"
179271,"Why did the farmer fence in the bull? The farmer had too much of a steak in him to let him go!
"
217001,"Confucius say lucky girl is girl who meets boy in park; Confucius say lucky boy is boy who parks meat in girl.
"
147894,"What do you call a Roman with pubic hair in his teeth? Gladiator
"
167006,"HULK WANT LOAN Bank: We can't loan to people like you. GREEN PEOPLE?? *flips table into moon* Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
"
224222,"What is Hitler's least favorite letter? C, in fact he lead an entire group called the """"Not C's""""
"
89024,"When I was younger my fairy godmother asked me if I'd like a long penis or a long memory I forget my response.
"
45851,"Sometimes I stand in front of a Redbox until a long line gathers behind me.. Then I'll yell. Where's the fucking Pepsi button on this thing?
"
170652,"TIL that condoms have serial numbers. What? Have you never rolled them down that far?
"
11920,"What did the guy in China say to the Chinese couple who finally got approved to adopt? Con-grab-ur-asians!!
"
141463,"I just said """"Who's a little biscuit!"""" to a puppy tied to a signpost outside a cafe & a homeless guy a few feet away said """"I am.""""
"
203040,"""""Playing hard to get huh?"""" I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
"
41220,"Have you heard about the corduroy pillow? It's making headlines!
"
88673,"I'm having a hard time deciding which pillow I should buy. I'm going to sleep on it.
"
171552,"Mumford & Sons! It's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you're looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
"
182858,"What's worse than locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go inside to ask for a clothes hanger
"
128313,"I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
"
98188,"Making fun of someone's age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you're standing a little further down the tracks.
"
96863,"So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
"
167661,"What do you call a dinosaur that only eats the most delicious food? A connoisaur
"
37473,"Why is a man's pee yellow, and his sperm white? So he can tell if he's coming or going.
"
94212,"Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.
"
15135,"[in bed] Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene Him: omg yes Me: *disappears to change* *comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
"
144237,"Sure the Michael Jordan underpants are good, but a lot of it is Scotty Pippen. He defends the balls.
"
117795,"I gave my dad a two handed high-five once when I was 10. I had to spend the next 12 years convincing him I wasn't gay.
"
149301,"Chuck Norris Found The Ark Of The Covenant... He Currently Uses It As A Coffee Table.
"
33570,"Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
"
189995,"Nine years ago today 19 men came to my doorstep expecting 72 virgins. Little did they know how fucked they were going to be.
"
49179,"I recently bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
"
218125,"Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
"
13734,"If Donald Trump became president... one could say he coined a term.
"
7992,"How is American Beer similar to making love in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.
"
33467,"'I'm really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.' 'Woody?' 'Not quite that excited.'
"
4009,"What spends a good 3 hours a day in my hand? *hint* it starts with P and ends with S. Pens! :D ... wait what were YOU THINKING?!?!?!
"
84943,"Why does Stephen Hawking have a boring sex life? You can't 69 in binary.
"
147018,"What's your best mattress joke? Trying to win a new mattress in a contest and I need a clean mattress joke to win (dumb, I know)
"
228631,"what do you get? What do you get if you mix up an agnostic, a dyslexic and an insomniac? A guy who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
"
63455,"Not picking up the phone is some of the most fun you can have with a phone.
"
227787,"NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks
"
54780,"After a disappointing summer, Humpty Dumpty ended up having a great fall!
"
26848,"My favourite exercise is a mix between lunge and crunch I like to call lunch.
"
218298,"I'm getting married! Well, I have a new boyfriend! Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night! FINE. Shoe salesman said """"Come back soon"""".
"
185462,"Why are there no Walmarts in Iran? Because there's a JC Penny at every corner.
"
114504,"What did Adam say to Eve the first time he got an erection? """"Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is gonna get!""""
"
19370,"What do you call a gay magician? A poof
"
187624,"Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
"
204582,"What kind of foods do arthritic cannibals love to eat? Finger foods...
"
54942,"You can borrow any movie you want from Ricky Astly except one He's never gonna give you UP.
"
45362,"Ninjas are like virgins.... No one ever sees them coming
"
23353,"Old Mother Hubbard.. Old Mother Hubbard, went to the cupboard. To Fetch Poor Rover a Bone. When she bent over, rover took over. And gave her a bone of his own!
"
218648,"I'm like Jason Bourne, only I'm not looking for exits in each room.. I'm looking for outlets & phone chargers.
"
18542,"My Vietnamese roommate is moving to Vegas (giving me a place to crash in Vegas), and leaving behind a full bedroom set for free... This is a real Nguyen-Nguyen situation for me.
"
138284,"What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.
"
161106,"What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it? Coconut
"
197877,"What's the difference between a chickpea &amp; a lentil? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a lentil in my face
"
134457,"So a baby seal walks into a club Ba-dum-tssss
"
86789,"What do people who don't like the slippery slope argument call it? The slippery slope fallacy
"
37342,"Republicans run for office by saying the government doesn't work... Then they get elected and prove it.
"
177602,"I tripped on a """"slippery when wet"""" sign today. I was floored by the irony.
"
123303,"What's ISIS' favorite kind of discount? Blowouts
"
220950,"Have you heard about the constipated math teacher? He worked the problem out with a pencil. On a sheet of paper.
"
227490,"Why don't we ever go 'forth and back'? To go forth and multiply is more fun.
"
89396,"What happened to the clock that was still hungry? It went back 4 seconds.
"
22065,"""""I'm up for anything"""" - penises
"
32269,"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle . Always wet but nothing to ride
"
86334,"How many kids with ADD does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wanna ride bikes?!?
"
109261,"Today, I'm happy to say I am 12 years sober! Unfortunately it was only the first 12 years of my life and I've been drunk ever since.
"
45207,"What do you get when you mix a Jehovah's Witness with an Atheist? Someone who shows up to your door for no reason.
"
202978,"My coworker used to joke """"I'm allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!"""". Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
"
5489,"The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you
"
84499,"My girlfriend broke up with me because I wouldn't stop quoting Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
"
65421,"Q: What do you call a girl with only one leg? A: Eileen
"
149748,"Good job on the speed traps, cops - How are the getting murdered traps coming along?
"
146997,"[Morgue] Cop: Sir, I know it's tough but we need you to ID the body Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Areare you over 21?
"
144985,"About the blind man that took up parachuting. He had loads of fun, but his guide dog didn't.
"
6147,"I saw Lenin pick his nose the other day... Communists have no class...
"
106920,"Hard to believe I once had a phone ATTACHED TO A WALL. When it rang I'd pick it up WITHOUT KNOWING WHO WAS CALLING. Amazing I'm still alive.
"
195276,"What is a group of hooligans acting like they are Vietnamese called? Gang, 'Nam Style.
"
43093,"Where did Santa meet his wife? Conjunction Junction. They specialize in hooking up words, phrases, and Clauses
"
163043,"Time Machine I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don't make them like they're going to anymore.
"
117243,"How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
"
164959,"I was trying to get my girl to try @nal. She said """"Fine I'm gonna stick my finger up your ass and see how you like it!"""" The wedding is in a week
"
171861,"Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it? NO, SENSEI! Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
"
48956,"Guys, want to find out all of your flaws in under a minute? Just ask your girlfriend if she's gained weight.
"
131858,"I wish restaurant food looked like the pictures on the menu. A hostess asked me how everything was. I said, """"My compliments to the photographer.""""
"
176875,"A guy says to a girl """"hey, can I smell your feet?"""" She says """"NO!!"""" """"Oh, it must be your pussy then.""""
"
45880,"Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
"
71968,"A patient said to a psychiatrist, """"I keep wanting to cover myself in gold paint."""" The psychiatrist said, """"Sounds like you have a gilt complex.""""
"
155878,"The Baltimore Ravens
"
100932,"Taking a nap is like sex..... It's never as good as you had hoped for but better than nothing.
"
182181,"I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
"
93416,"What do you call a Jewish Pokemon Trainer ASH
"
85181,"Could yield signs be any more Canadian? """"You might have to stop. I'm not sure. You decide. Do you like me? I'm on a street!""""
"
76599,"Part time lover Is any benefit of part time lover. Scheduled time for any
"
169141,"I kicked a French guy in the balls... Once, I kicked a French guy in the balls. As he clutched his groin and sank to the floor, he whispered in pain, """"wee wee"""". So I kicked him again.
"
193852,"""""Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?""""
"
89790,"What's the difference between a prostitute and a rooster? The rooster says """"cock-adoodle-do"""" whereas the prostitute says """"any cock'll do""""
"
48709,"Policeman: Why did you stop your car get out and yell """"coward"""" at the traffic signal? Motorist: The light just turned yellow.
"
98572,"What do you call an alien from Austria? Austalian
"
12199,"You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly.
"
174451,"I really enjoyed reading the Diary of Anne Frank Although I was disappointed it ended rather abruptly
"
6040,"Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger But she did move to California in 1849...
"
22933,"Being a bachelor is dangerous. I pulled a groin muscle while getting out of bed. Over and over and over....
"
18421,"For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
"
190352,"What do you call a camel with three humps? Pregnant
"
71738,"What's the most sensitive protein? EMOglobin.
"
188874,"Why couldn't the hippie be saved from drowning? He was too far out man.
"
163161,"Where does a king keep his armies? Up his sleevies
"
169902,"Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, """"EAT YOUR CEREAL!"""" for example.
"
229440,"I work as a dishwasher, Its a pretty dishgusting job.
"
86388,"A TCP packet walks into a bar... ... and says to the barmen: """"Hello, I'd like a beer."""" the barman replies: """"Hello, you'd like a beer?"""" """"Yes,"""" replies the packet, """"I'd like a beer.""""
"
79798,"I was pretty surprised when my son came home from university and announced that he's gay. He used to hate anal sex when he was little.
"
207958,"epileptic with a sword What do you get when an epileptic person fights an iceberg with a sword? Seizure Salad
"
96651,"Pirate Nuts Pirate walks into a bar. Bartender says """"You know you got a steering wheel stickinn out of your pants?"""" """"Aye! It's drivin me nutts.""""
"
25906,"How do you get the drummer off your front porch? Pay for the pizza.
"
123802,"What's the best way to cure seasonal depression? Suicide. -A bit of black humor for black friday
"
86006,"If your kid's shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
"
80769,"OP's sex life.
"
48219,"What does a redneck and yeast have in common? They are both """"in-bread"""" Downvote me to hell if you want. This is my only joke.
"
107488,"[1st date] DATE: When I'm with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French ME [leans across] Oh really? DATE: Yes
"
46355,"Did you hear about the girl with twelve nipples? Sounds weird, dozen tit?
"
109643,"How do you get a jewish girls number? Roll up her sleeve.
"
62982,"Rubbing my ass on these documents because the boss's email says to """"cheek his paperwork"""".
"
89041,"Halloween Dress Code: Men: super hero, monster, funny thing, famous people. Women: super whore, monster whore, funny whore, famous  whore
"
87083,"A soviet joke Q: What doesn't buzz and doesn't fit up your ass? A: A soviet made anal buzzer.
"
136340,"He held up my pants and said """"Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??"""" Judge: Not guilty. You're free to go.
"
89728,"What did Sheldon say to Penny? BaZINCa!!
"
9738,"What is the most sensitive part on mans body while he is masturbating. His ears.
"
56638,"I like my women like I like my coffee. Without a penis.
"
65313,"Twitter is like a dog: There's always someone who loves you for you... there's also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
"
183253,"put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
"
143399,"What do the alphabet A and a flower have in common? B comes after both.
"
230131,"Why don't they have bars in Syria? Because, they prefer to get bombed at home.
"
37171,"How many pornstars does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know... I skipped the intro.
"
156970,"What happened when Helium told a joke? There was no reaction
"
49283,"Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named """"Insects Rabbit"""" and his catchphrase was, """"What is transpiring, Physician?""""
"
112412,"I must be fucking great in the sack Every girl I've ever had sex with has told me she wishes it had been longer!
"
102412,"i dropped a chicken mcnugget and I've been on the floor of mcdonalds sobbing the lyrics to how to save a life by the fray for 2 hours
"
193759,"TIFU: By calling a passing play when I should have run the ball. Beast mode rules!
"
100528,"I wanted to be an investment banker when I grew up Then I lost interest.
"
70763,"Did you hear the one about the shipwreck where only the limbless mute survived?
"
127229,"What's the difference between a golfer and a climber? A golfer goes whack......shit. A climber goes shit.......whack.
"
122374,"Playing Trivial Pursuit with Grandma: """"Name an animated character dedicated to cleaning up the planet, who loves Eva?"""" Nana: """"Hitler.""""
"
197069,"I heard apple was going straight to the iPhone 7 I guess it won't be very 6s-ful
"
72308,"I totally understand how batteries feel Because I'm rarely ever included in things either.
"
39482,"Sorry I'm late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
"
181581,"Have you met the mushroom man? He's a real fun guy.
"
116657,"What did the sadist do to the masochist? nothing.
"
199197,"Since the world is doing reposts. """"Knock knock"""" you: """"Who's there?"""" me: """"hoo"""" you: """"Who's hoo?"""" me: """"What're you, an owl?""""
"
203093,"My wife and I can't agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she's digging in her heels.
"
33256,"Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
"
209972,"What do you call an Indian guy who's seen it all? Been-there Done-that Sorry if it's been posted before but I just heard it from my Indian friend and thought I'd share
"
63710,"Never call a woman fat An elephant never forgets.
"
185279,"True friendship is when you walk into someone's house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
"
222644,"I used to be a banker but I lost interest
"
37815,"Roses are red... Valentine's Day is Crap! I don't have a girlfriend so FAP FAP FAP!
"
119383,"How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? Two... One to beat the the room for being black and the other to beat the switch for being broke.
"
229251,"Who's that one armed rockstar drummer? Oh yeah, Phil Rudd. Too soon?
"
4178,"What does an alcoholic ghost drink? BOO'S.
"
215760,"I went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k. It was a trip down memory lane.
"
58447,"So i watched a scary movie last night. It was so scary my shit took a shit
"
118029,"Who the patron saint of surveillance? St Francis of a CCTV.
"
129119,"Why doesn't Jesus like M&amp;Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.
"
3503,"So I guess these Brazillian jokes aren't happening Neymar?
"
27923,"What do you call someone who only watches Horror Anime? A Ouijaboo.
"
36601,"Why was the skunk angry? He was incensed!
"
134214,"Teacher : What is a comet ? Pupil : A star with a tail Teacher: Can you name one ? Pupil: Lassie !
"
15885,"I was thinking of shaving my beard But it really grew on me.
"
27210,"How often do you use algebra? Equationally.
"
50885,"Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
"
93503,"Looking at your innocent 5 year old now, I bet you can't imagine him drinking and taking drugs. Just you wait. First grade can be brutal.
"
78826,"How do depressed frogs die? They Kermit suicide.
"
164218,"What did Saddam Hussein say every time he played pool? I rack.
"
47078,"You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
"
162832,"How do you separate Greek men from Greek boys? With a crowbar.
"
114476,"Running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for dogs?
"
29210,"""""any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?"""" [I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic] HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
"
200357,"I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
"
47344,"I lost my to-do list I don't know what to do
"
177093,"DON'T make this weird... (I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
"
1068,"How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
"
59558,"No one's laugh sounds like """"bwahahaha."""" NO one.
"
156856,"Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? Because freedom rings
"
161583,"I'm always right about things... Could you say I have a correctile dysfunction?
"
98384,"How do you stop clowns from attacking you? Go for the juggler
"
116723,"What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention? A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)
"
98481,"When I die I don't want a big funeral. I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life...
"
216502,"What's the difference between Lindsay Lohan and the newspaper? Lindsay Lohan never reads the newspaper in jail, but the newspaper always reads """"Lindsay Lohan in jail""""
"
180060,"Why do cowboys have foreskin? So they have a place to put there chewing tobacco when brushing their teeth
"
194581,"I got teased by my friends, because they thought my girlfriend was imaginary Jokes on them - they are too.
"
128890,"Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50. Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes. Riceless.
"
126723,"Can someone help me figure out how much water I need to add to this baby powder in order to make a baby?
"
182472,"What do you get when you cross a Texas Aggie with an ape? A retarded ape.
"
35121,"What's the best way to pick up a woman? Like a sixpack
"
229348,"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.......
"
203785,"Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
"
103131,"What do you get when cross-eyed and looking at a solar eclipse? A solar ellipses...
"
114282,"What did the ocean ask the scooba diver? Water you doing here?
"
32006,"Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids' drugs. I couldn't do it. My kid already doesn't trust me, according to her diary.
"
6022,"What do you call a lizard with sex problems? Ereptile Dysfunction
"
31101,"What kind of musical instrument can you use for fishing? The cast-a-net.
"
21109,"What's at the centre of No Man's Sky universe? A refund. credit to /u/xROSSTHEHOSSx (saw it on another post as comment, thought it deserved own post)
"
144599,"What kind of reptile do you bring on an expedition? A navi-gator!
"
48247,"Question: what is your best comeback to being called a motherf****r? examples: yes I did fuck your mom. Tell her hi. Tell her thanks for the crabs. Tell her I want the money she owes me.
"
42320,"What did the fruit say to the vegetable before dinner? Lettuce, pray.
"
125683,"I'm ready to be a dad. Of that, I'm sure. Wife: are you certain? Sure: yes.
"
73458,"Our team is doing so badly that """"Manager of the  Month"""" isn't an award. It's an appointment!
"
207976,"What do two gay guys have for breakfast? AIDS and bacon.
"
116362,"Guy 1: """"Fuckin A, man"""" Guy 2: """"Fuck a B, it has more holes.""""
"
65201,"How was there no jackass in a giant penis costume at the women's March? That would of been hilarious. You would never see feminists beat a dick so hard.
"
221882,"Did you hear how Chewbacca did in his first year of the NFL? He was Wookie of the Year
"
59055,"Why is a river really rich? It's got two banks.
"
194979,"If a threesome is having sex with three people, and a twosome is having sex with two people... I'm handsome.
"
169,"What's an extroverted accountant? One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his  own.
"
37352,"Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
"
80087,"What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *thwack* fuck... A skydiver goes FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- *THWACK*
"
133088,"As I drop my child off to her first day of school it reminds me of how my mom dropped me off as well...except mom was ticketed for littering
"
191212,"My wife told be that I don't understand the concept of irony. Which was ironic because we were in the car at the time.
"
67926,"How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to beat the bulb for being broke, another to shoot the room for being black.
"
55447,"What do you call a horse that has been kicked out of his house? Unstable
"
205563,"I'm literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
"
36421,"My wife told me """"Sex is better on Holiday"""".[OC] And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how she told me that she was a lesbian.
"
44456,"Why did the computer overheat? Because windows wasn't open.
"
10348,"Despite other issues one aspect of Pokemon Go is perfect: You're always encountering new and interesting bugs.
"
144127,"There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
"
98470,"You don't love me? Don't worry, the first step is denial.
"
13814,"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors they would be called chicken sedans!
"
46729,"What do you call two ants that run away to get married? Antelopes
"
12430,"A nigger a spic and an arab walk into a bar. The arab blows them all up.
"
168605,"Dropped a Q-tip, but I caught it before it hit the ground. The ninja behind me said, """"Whoa."""" Then we high-fived.
"
192858,"So i was banging a girl yesterday and she kept on saying another guys name... Who the fuck is rape?
"
104562,"Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!
"
226429,"Last supper *at the last supper* *Jesus breaks bread* this is my body *pours wine* this is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm just going to stop you right there....
"
147144,"By now, I'm pretty sure Scott Weiland was right. He's half the man he used to be.
"
230826,"Reddit, you are just like my dad... No matter what I do, it will never be good enough for you.
"
64246,"Probably already been done but... What is wrong with a humorless person? A broken funny bone. I'll leave now.
"
115405,"I meant to call out a plumber to fix my blocked toilet, but forgot. I'm in deep shit now.
"
208369,"Well it's taken 10 years, but I've just finished my first book.... I think I will start reading another tomorrow..
"
67557,"I slapped Kim Kardashian's ass once I don't like his music.
"
54834,"Where do you go when you need a sperm donation? Sasha Grey's mouth
"
166510,"Kim Jong il is dead? I guess that's the end of HIS Korea.
"
155388,"What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him.
"
139399,"I told my dad I felt tired. """"There's a nap for that.""""
"
208419,"What do you call someone with lots of imaginary friends? Schizofriendic
"
220353,"An emo and a leaf fall from a tree at the same time. Who hits the ground first? The leaf. The emo is stopped by the rope.
"
7007,"Yo momma's so fat... She got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
"
121947,"Why can't the band Def Leppard make music anymore? They all lost their hearing
"
24914,"A reasonably attractive girl applied for a modelling job in a glamour magazine She was a candid eight.
"
123999,"What do nuns do when they get horny? They come to Jesus.
"
31399,"I do shrugs at the gym with like 400 pounds just to show everyone how hard I don't care.
"
106116,"What town should a """"mountain oyster"""" festival be held in? Oxnard, CA
"
103319,"What do you call a Redneck Baker? Inbread
"
146292,"A WOMAN IS ONLY GOOD FOR ONE THING! Being an equal partner in a loving relationship.
"
4314,"8 *walks into the house with covered in mud* Me: MY LORD 8: well that's a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.
"
130811,"Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
"
224150,"Why does it smell of tires? There are two black people fighting.
"
133619,"Did you hear Ant Man will be in Captain America 3? I hear it will be a small role
"
84888,"What do you call man without toes? What do you call a man without toes and is allergic to milk? Lack-toes intolerant!!
"
33044,"I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
"
4954,"Relationships are easy as pie! *burns pie*
"
224337,"Q. How are men like television commercials? A. You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both  last about 30 seconds.
"
13474,"what do you do with someone that is having a seizure in a bathtub? Throw in a load of laundry.
"
79684,"How many Gentlesirs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? """"Screw is such a harsh word, M'Lightbulb. I have too much respect for lamps to use it."""" &lt;Tips fedora&gt;
"
203781,"Didn't have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books  and showered.
"
204820,"Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.
"
111393,"What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee
"
121974,"I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil.. The plot thickens...
"
213017,"I will never refer to 'drunk me' or 'sober me' because that implies the second one exists.
"
27805,"Say """"Oh my God"""" 5x fast, then say """"I got 'em"""" 5x fast.. Have you found Jesus? Lol, jk.. But they sound pretty similar, don't they?
"
104182,"Q: Knock knock. A: Who's there? Q: Control freak. Okay, now, you say, """"Control freak who?""""
"
208660,"if i opened my Gryffindor Would you Slytherin?
"
71035,"When someone asks you to give an example of an idiom Just tell them you can't recall any from the top of your head.
"
143951,"Y'know, I don't understand all the fuss about using 3D printers to make guns. I've had a Canon printer for years!
"
205842,"What's the difference between Batman and a Black man? Batman can go out at night without Robin
"
186513,"Its better to remain silent and let people think you a fool... ...than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
"
88339,"Why did Hellen Kellar burn her ear? The phone rang and she answered the iron. Why did she burn her other ear? They called back.
"
13343,"Someone Stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word
"
110542,"A Mormon says to his Motel receptionist, 'The porn in my room better be disabled!' The receptionist replies 'No it's just regular porn you sick bastard'.
"
211230,"What do the official USGA rules state when... you and your opponent are looking for his ball, and he claims to have found it, but you know he is lying because you have it in your pocket?
"
125660,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Chrysalis ! Chrysalis who ? Chrysalis the cake for you !
"
114693,"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two.
"
226711,"If a straight man cheats on his wife, the other woman is called his mistress. So if a gay man cheats on his husband, is the other man his mister?
"
89904,"I came here for... ...funny jokes in the comments.
"
122258,"What did Davy Crockett say when he looked over The Alamo wall and saw 5,000 Mexican Soldiers? """"Who the hell ordered a new roof?""""
"
131526,"Friend request > Poke > Message > Phone Number > Text > Meet > Bang
"
191165,"What is the greatest right given to Muslim women? The right to remain silent.
"
73329,"What did they priest say when he got censered? Holy smoke!
"
220908,"My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
"
18701,"[Racist] What does a black women do after having a water birth? Flush the toilet.
"
218820,"Did you hear about the guy who ate glass? It was pretty clear how he died.
"
148347,"I'm writing a horror story. It's about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it's ok to talk to her. So much blood.
"
79189,"A joke my 4 year old nephew made up. (It makes no sense, but still made me laugh.) If the three legged turtle crosses the road what color is the rabbit? Green! Because Space Jam was a good movie.
"
129204,"I don't get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
"
179,"What do gays and melons have in common? cantaloupe...
"
170466,"Mayweather just set his kitchen on fire trying to make a cake He should've read the instructions
"
188675,"i don't always not give a shit. but when i do. Nevermind, I don't give a shit
"
159828,"Beached whale Today I got in trouble at work for throwing water on a lady... I just thought that's what your suppose to do for a beached whale
"
28240,"The best thing about hand sanitizer in hospitals isn't the hygiene. It's everyone walking around like they're hatching an evil plan.
"
3591,"After mating, a female Praying Mantis kills & eat's the male. Guess she knows it's easier to claim life insurance rather than child support.
"
78378,"Say what you want about pedophiles... ...at least they don't speed in school zones.
"
40831,"What the lifelong atheist said when he reached the Pearly Gates. I'll be damned!
"
222625,"2 Rules to Be Successful 1) Don't tell everyone everything you know. 2)
"
92107,"*takes call from mom* *puts mom on speaker* *cleans entire house*
"
4135,"Why was the clownfish sad? Because its friends were anemones.
"
52483,"Brain: Compliment her eyes Me: Yeah? Brain: Trust me """"YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY'RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO."""" Brain: Perfect!
"
104916,"Five. Five dollar. Five dollar (and thirty five cents sales tax) footlong.
"
165040,"what happened when the blond tried giving her boyfriend a blowjob while he was driving? they both fell off the motorcycle
"
163358,"Yo mama so old That she's still carbon dating.
"
99626,"What's the best thing about being a Cubs fan? Not being from Detroit.
"
149862,"Someone needs to introduce the people still requesting songs on the radio to the Internet...
"
207370,"How many hippies does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Hippies only screw in tents.
"
151817,"Nike just announced it will now be using robots instead of children to make shoes Unfortunately, the robots will be made by children.
"
116968,"Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won't stop to ask for directions.
"
82823,"What has two legs but can't walk? A dead duck.
"
8159,"What do you call a fish that's worth a lot of money? A goldfish!
"
28585,"I was the top student at Ninja school, but I failed because they kept marking me absent.
"
7834,"What happened to the blind circumcisor? He got the sack.
"
129662,"I'm not an alcoholic ... Alcoholic's need a drink, but I already have one
"
217050,"Either Chewbacca is in the next stall or someone needs to start adding green leafy vegetables to their diet.
"
48467,"I'm gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I'm about to win.
"
194232,"What do Reddit and Pedophiles have in common? they are both fucking immature assholes...
"
175253,"[flash mob in front of me & my girl] [I join in then kneel down gasping] """"Will you.."""" """"YES!... YE.."""" """"grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?""""
"
55426,"Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them: Pick up a kid Unlock a door Load a rolled rug into your trunk
"
202052,"Despite the rumors, I actually don't have a problem with the new $20.... This country has a long history of trading black people for other goods.
"
62027,"Just ate a bunch of confetti... Now I'm a party pooper.
"
159214,"What's brown and sticky? A stick. ^^^^^I'll ^^^^^just ^^^^^see ^^^^^myself ^^^^^out ^^^^^now
"
35481,"What do you call a cow with no sense of humor? Moody.
"
71654,"Superman: I'm faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive- Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
"
214864,"eyy gurl, r u part beaver??? cuz dam baby
"
102131,"A priest, blonde, jew, black guy, chinese guy, and a gay guy walk into a bar. The bartender asks """"What is this, some kind of joke?""""
"
168491,"Sledding with dad """"Dad, I will never ever go sledding with you again!"""" """"Shut up and keep pulling, son.""""
"
167602,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Power Ranger Barbie ...with karate-chop action; complete with the ridiculous outfit
"
227611,"Some days when I think back on music from the late 90's I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..
"
65983,"Did you hear about the guy that was half Black and half Japanese ... ... every December 7th he would attack Pearl Bailey.
"
108756,"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs water skiing? I dont know, but that sounds like a highly improbable circumstance.
"
75258,"What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? tennish
"
167902,"Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don't worry, I didn't want you to get me anything anyway. No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.
"
7486,"How do you know you're speaking with an engineer? Don't worry they'll tell you.
"
25078,"How could batman possibly defeat superman? Put him on a horse I'm now going to hell with the rest of you...
"
43425,"After starting on August 15th, 2004, Julia Roberts just finished brushing her teeth a few hours ago.
"
135903,"Two lawyers walk into a bar Exam
"
204422,"A is for Apple - Hester Pryne
"
20313,"I just got a text from someone I don't know. They say they're sick and vomitting. Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
"
136126,"I grew up on cartoon violence So naturally, when I fight, it's a giant dust ball with stars and exclamation points flying about
"
204506,"According to the law it's not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
"
52340,"Obama is an obamanation. That is all.
"
63679,"Me: The Calvin and Hobbes movie was awesome! Her: Idiot, that was Life of Pi. Me: Whatever *gets in cardboard time machine, flies to Mars*
"
126484,"Turns out if you scream for no reason long enough, you get the rest of the day off from work.
"
139702,"PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet? HUSBAND: Oh, it's a bit of a fairytale, right darling? [wife is clearly a wolf in a dress] WIFE: Yes.
"
123283,"Three Mexicans walk into a bar.
"
184763,"Why did the hipster drown? Because he went ice-skating before it was cool (   )
"
210025,"Q: Zombie: Where do fleas go in winter? A: Werewolf: Search me.
"
86585,"Where do Koalas love to go for a holiday? Koala Lumpur.
"
202874,"Hey- ZigZag- What causes dry eyes? Ducts out of water ...
"
141837,"How many redditors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who cares, because How Can Light Be Real If Our Eyes Arent Real?
"
142363,"What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin' off
"
204931,"Why did the Rabbi stop buying beer? Hebrewed his own
"
205927,"I hate father in laws So I only date black girls
"
124415,"Lawyer Joke You know it was a cold day in Washington when you see lawyers walking around with their hands in their own pockets.
"
24930,"Steve Jobs isn't really dead The nurses are just holding him the wrong way [Source](http://sickipedia.org/joke/view/1108293)
"
101632,"The only laid I'm getting... is laid off.
"
224061,"I have a severe allergy to alcohol Whenever I drink it I breakout in handcuffs.
"
6627,"I was going to have an edging tournament with some friends... ...but nobody came.
"
145615,"Me: And the award for the most awesome daddy goes to...? *6 blinks M: The most awesome daddy award goes to...? *6 blinks M:  6: Luke's dad?
"
171031,"What kind of outfit says """"I want you to let me stand in your group so I don't look like a loser but I don't want to talk to any of you""""?
"
5087,"His son asked him what gay meant. Son: Dad, what does gay mean? Dad: Happy son. It means happy. Son: Then are YOU gay DAD? Dad: No son...... i have a wife...
"
133260,"Chuck Norris can hit Mach 3 in his hot-air balloon.
"
1548,"What do you call a sad terrorist? A crisis
"
159632,"The Reddit admins die and find themselves going straight to hell... It made me laugh...
"
3810,"I tried bringing sexy back but the lady at Walmart assured me I didn't get it there.
"
105632,"Microsoft has realized that all their products get better PR by naming it after Halo mythology. I'm expecting the next Windows version to be Windows 117.
"
130046,"Why don't you ever see Michael Jordan at Wimbledon? Only whites allowed
"
63678,"I ran into my X the other day. Now I have to get my bicycle repaired.
"
139951,"lady at table behind me: sometimes babies get gassy. they can't burp so they get mad and cry me, turning around angrily: its not JUST babies
"
214907,"At the restaurant with food still on my plate... Server: """"Do you wanna box for that"""" Me: """"No. It's not worth fighting for""""
"
90276,"Yo mama so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours. . .for a quote!
"
12502,"My annual performance review says I lack """"passion & intensity"""", guess management hasn't seen me alone with a Big Mac.
"
113042,"German Girlfriend My german girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10. Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.
"
65993,"This guy's all like """"I think you've had enough beers for one night."""" Then I'm all """"Fuck you, fridge. Appliances can't even talk.""""
"
207266,"I might be schizophrenic , but at least I have each other .
"
25292,"Failed my biology test today... They asked, """"What is commonly found in cells?"""" Apparently """"black people"""" wasn't the correct answer.
"
204567,"trying to be funny is hard I wake up in the morning with a good one and no one is around to hear it.
"
215242,"Reinventing Yourself http://dryinginside.blogspot.com/2012/10/reinventing-yourself-doesnt-always-work.html
"
2980,"What goes; green-red-green-red-green-red-green-red? A frog in my blender
"
127792,"My work signed me up for a 401k But I've never even run a marathon
"
133500,"shoutout to all the objects in my perceptual field. u know who u are ;)
"
133642,"I've just got back from the opticians. Apparently I have 20/20 hindsight. If only I knew when I was twelve.
"
77343,"Grandson told me his uncle abused him as an April fools prank. I don't know why he's so upset I didn't fall for it.
"
195408,"I now pronounce you internet boyfriend and girlfriend. You may put your hand down your pants and kiss your phone.
"
13918,"I thought my name was """"Stop encouraging her"""" until I was 11.
"
69556,"GEEK BOOTY CALL... ALLERGIES I'm allergic to three things: cheese, pollen and not being with you.
"
93993,"Stephen Hawking can actually be pretty funny sometimes... But I don't think he's got what it takes to do stand-up.
"
158510,"How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Toss him some sort of flotation device
"
226095,"How do you know your sister's having her period? Your dad's dick tastes weird.
"
104668,"I have more memory of my conception than I do of last Saturday night... though sometimes I really wish my parents hadn't done porn.
"
38786,"Did you hear about the guy that used ivory butt plugs? He suffered from elephant-tight-ass.
"
188093,"What does the US military and a fart have in common? Air Force
"
226539,"I know you've been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it's over now. Also, you're a donut. And I ate you.
"
194187,"Why did they go from Windows 8 to Windows 10? Cause Seven ate Windows 9
"
45290,"How do you call a person that speaks only one language? An American
"
131337,"Did you hear about the blondes who were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They were waiting for """"Closed For The Winter"""" to start.
"
192379,"I had a second stomach surgically attached so I could finish my fries from Five Guys.
"
157670,"I once opened a box of Life. All I found was disappointment.
"
25052,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The """"p"""" is silent.
"
184898,"what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
"
198615,"I keep hearing this phrase a lot around here: Echo Chamber
"
22282,"20's: I can't remember where I left my keys 30's: I can't remember where I left my car 40's: I can't remember where I left my kids
"
80582,"Did you hear of the old man that died while masturbating? He had a stroke.
"
136046,"What's an empty suit of armor doing on the drivers side of a car? He went out for the knight. OK I'll leave now
"
137049,"Who is Ric Flair's favorite director? John WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
"
195823,"Neighbor: Yard sale huh? How much's mower? Me: $50 Him: Wait! That's the one you borrowed from me! Me: $20 Him: Its a $500 mower! Me: ..$100
"
200086,"What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? Some people are against shooting guns.
"
45341,"This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, """"Is that a fret?""""
"
211802,"Did you hear about the gay guy who quit? He couldn't take it in the end.
"
71717,"What did one saggy boob say to the other? If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.
"
61905,"A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, """"Get me a cold one."""" The bartender gives him my girlfriend.
"
44330,"When I was growing up my parents used to tell me that I can be anyone I wanted. Now the police call that Identity theft.
"
17943,"What did the tailor say after a job well done? There is nothing left too loose.
"
144384,"I've Just Set Up a Brothel At Sea for Horny Sailors... business is generally good, but clients tend come in large waves.
"
33084,"What's accounting? Something Italians learn in preschool.
"
46157,"I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine. 299 of them are Nestle.
"
138630,"What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say? Aloha Akbar.
"
63674,"HOW TO BEAT YOUR COMPUTER AT CHESS WITHIN 5 SECONDS: just set the difficulty to OBAMA.It will never come up with a strategy.
"
198540,"In a Catholic boarding school, how do you know when to go to bed? The big hand touches the little hand.
"
134565,"Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly, and myself were stranded on a desert island... I then proceeded to bash my own head in with a coconut
"
3375,"WHY IS ASS RED BECASUE MY DAD WALKED THROUGH THE DOOR AND FUCKED MY ASS TILL IT WAS RED YOU FUCKING RETARDS
"
177100,"I rang up a pizza shop and asked """"do you deliver?"""" they repiled """"no we do pizza"""".
"
32858,"If I opened a strip club I would have the girls wear BBQ scented perfumes. So when guys came home they could say they were at a Steak House.
"
6328,"Many women say a guy who makes them laugh is all they want. They fail to mention all the things it takes to put them in the mood to laugh.
"
113589,"I'm not a Reddit admin... But 20 McNuggets is 20 McNuggets
"
130541,"I like my women the way I like my paper... white, thin, and able to take a few punches
"
57051,"My local policeman does a tall on heroin. I don't know why, we can never understand a word he says.
"
114983,"I met a plastic surgeon at a bar last night... He specialized in male-to-female sexual reassignment surgeries. He was a pretty nice guy, but a total *womanizer*.
"
115316,"What do you call a blond with one strand of hair dyed black? A glimmer of hope
"
75042,"Wanna hear a word i made up? Plagiarism
"
11568,"I opened a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats Prophets are through the roof
"
30090,"I wish my wife were more like the Cleveland Browns. She'd work out all week and suck dick every Sunday.
"
10655,"""""So, do you play any instruments?"""" Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
"
214046,"my great grandmother got me a ps4 for christmas my so-so grandmother got me socks
"
21454,"What's the difference between a goat and a kid? My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising two of my goats.
"
44767,"According to my bank account, I'm Rich! Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
"
70972,"What do you call a super kind man who spends too much time on the beach? A tangent
"
112707,"For decades now microwave designers have labored under the false assumption that people want extra features on their microwave. They don't.
"
105442,"What do you call a girl with no legs? Disabled. (  )
"
18713,"I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work.
"
200454,"What's the best drug to have sex on? Birth control.
"
148485,"What do you call a man with no body and a nose ? Nobody knows!
"
13118,"How many lightbulbs does it take to change a lightbulb??
"
29792,"Everything happens for a reason, but sometimes the reason is you are stupid and make bad descisions...
"
157715,"I entered my first masturbation competition at the weekend... I came last
"
56111,"What do you call a talk on male anatomy? A semenar
"
99379,"What did the blind man say when he sipped a frozen drink and was cured? """"Icee.""""
"
164443,"STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him """"Admiral Snackbar""""
"
82179,"Celine Dion walks into a bar and the bar tender says """"Why the long face?"""" To which she replies """"My husband and brother just died.""""
"
28338,"If I had a dollar for every gender that exists.... I'd have two dollars.
"
203239,"You'd think atoms bonds would mean they were being friendly to each other... But, they end up stealing each other's electrons. Isn't that ionic?
"
43669,"Why is it so hot? I can just feel the sweat roll down kirstie alley's thighs
"
214269,"What time are you supposed to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty!
"
114874,"Lost my watch at a party once Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch
"
170803,"Whats E.T short for? Because he's got little legs.
"
215445,"How much sex does one of God's brides have? Nun
"
150351,"I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
"
202919,"""""Suddenly, my hair collapsed."""" - And I started to regret offering to edit my friend's first novel.
"
15944,"Woman : All men are dogs. Me : Which breed is your dad, bitch?
"
158206,"Started a new religion Doesn't matter, had sects.
"
219797,"My stepdaughter said the Justin Bieber movie is rated R because people will faint when they see him. I stabbed her with my car keys.
"
41847,"My girlfriend caught me blow-drying my dick And apparently """"heating up her meal"""" is the wrong answer.
"
184952,"My girlfriend is like my bike. Some black guy stole her from me too.
"
168468,"How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee *before* it was cool. :-)
"
226610,"So a guy wants to live on a Danish island... He finds that the island is empty.
"
6211,"Thought of this joke a few years ago and thought id share it with you beautiful people Why cant bulimics be pitchers in baseball? Because they always throw up
"
178793,"The key to a good joke Is missed erection
"
39766,"Why do health magazines targeting hypochondriacs have so much trouble maintaining subscriber levels? Because none of their readers believe them when they receive a warning that it's their final issue.
"
15056,"What did Anakin say when the princess asked for his credit card? Naboo
"
10362,"How do you know you've satisfied a redhead? She unlocks the handcuffs. Edit: for everyone that isn't getting it, it means kinky sex
"
28557,"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
"
161725,"My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I'm disgusted. What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
"
182642,"Why did the chicken fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
"
105120,"Football joke How do you keep the St. Louis Rams off of your lawn? Paint an endzone on it.
"
142281,"Did you hear about the Mexican  bricklayer who went crazy trying to lay a cornerstone in a roundhouse.
"
51559,"When life gives you lemons, Instagram photos of them and add #Lemons, #LemonSwag, and #UJealous.
"
23489,"What do you get when you suck all of the Botox out of Madonna? Betty White.
"
11108,"""""Hey, did you see that article about cats invading the internet?"""" """"Yeah, I reddit.""""
"
221161,"Why were the bakers hands brown? Because he was kneading a shite
"
166140,"No more """"if you're bf stops playing his game to text you..."""" If your girlfriend understands to give texting a rest when you're playing video games, marry her.
"
68974,"Crappiest Town In The UK I am not British because I was born in Slough :( :l :)
"
88695,"Doctors say 1 in 6 men suffer from premature ejaculation. I say it's the women who suffer.
"
202144,"I don't trust insomniac philosophers... They're up to know good.
"
153333,"I like my coffee how i like my women, Without a dick.
"
2544,"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster and a prostitute with IBS? Well, one you have to shuck between fits...
"
223846,"When waiting for HIV test results, the main thing is to stay positive. Shamelessly based on a joke by /u/PS_FuckYouJenny
"
96116,"When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic... But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm Fantastic.
"
118350,"That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.
"
167622,"How do you reuse a condom? Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
"
74954,"A percussionist tells his fellow percussionists some puns His group laughs at every pun he makes. He asks a friend: Hey, are my puns a tenor what?
"
18839,"Where do the sith get their clothes? Darth Mall
"
32068,"You can run but my rifle's got a scope.
"
143469,"I always knew that I could never be a lawyer because of my inability to pass a bar.
"
89195,"Gay jokes aren't funny Cum on guys.
"
530,"I really like those Black and White movies where no one speaks Inter racial porn.
"
42939,"I'd kill for a good work ethic.... ...But I just can't be arsed.
"
78730,"[airport check-in] Me: I'd like to check this in Clerk: you'll have to take that on with u Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
"
198469,"There's an app for everything today except premature ejaculation but I hear that it's coming soon
"
227174,"Yes, I said I was sorry and that I'd do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
"
215434,"whats the best way to go cliff diving? without the body of water
"
168102,"Why did the sick bird get deported? He was an ill eagle.
"
145563,"How is a banana peel on the sidewalk like music? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
"
113013,"So there's this guy that does nothing but masturbate and watch Netflix all day... Oh wait... That's me.
"
171957,"Hear about all those Japanese people killing dolphins? Apparently they've been doing it on porpoise!
"
165897,"What's Sarah Palin's favorite thing to do in the summertime? Parah Salin.
"
188279,"Good Ol' Yo Mama joke Yo mama so dirty, she can give someone an ear infection through a phone.
"
216893,"Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they'll leave you alone.
"
188623,"A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap... The psychiatrist said, """"I can clearly see your nuts.""""
"
220359,"I tried changing my Facebook profile to the tricolour French flag.... but I preferred the traditional All White French Flag
"
33531,"How can you tell a mechanic has gotten lucky? He's got one clean finger!
"
120852,"What's the highest rated hotel in the world? Aushwitz, 6 million stars.
"
174378,"A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants. Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy. Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.
"
188191,"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? It might me a little to get hard, I just got laid by some chick. EDIT: """"take me a little while""""
"
227821,"The Thai Girl One day, I decided to take a bus to work for a change. Seated across the aisle from me was a beuatiful thai girl. I thought to myself, """"please don't get an erection"""". But she did.
"
219483,"What do you call a communist video streaming service? Niet-flix.
"
65729,"Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?
"
74016,"Why shouldn't you give a meth addict laxatives? because it's already hard enough for them to keep their shit together.
"
111356,"I recently got crushed by a pile of books, but I suppose I have only my shelf to blame.
"
50288,"My girlfriend got a tattoo of a shell on her thigh Every time I lay my ear on it I can smell the sea.
"
88155,"Im on a sea food diet if I seafood I eat it.
"
192419,"I like my children how I like my Christmas decorations Only on the holidays.
"
147600,"My friends made me jump off the end of the dock... I'll do anything under *pier* pressure
"
107589,"A German tourist walks into a pie shop on Fleet Street in London And tells the lady behind the counter, """"I would like to become a pie."""" And so he did.
"
19970,"What do you call someone from Massachusetts who murders a bunch of Catholics? A Mass. Mass Mass Murderer.
"
190741,"What did your mom's leg say to her other leg? Nothing; they've never met.
"
104149,"Why did Nietzche's Shop go out of business? He accepted eternal returns.
"
78829,"So a man asks a rabbi... """"Do you make a lot of money doing circumcisions?"""" To which the Rabbi replies: """"Not really, but I get to keep the tips.""""
"
181690,"I checked the thermometer outside. The temperature read """"Fcuk this sh1t! Stay in the house!""""
"
58310,"What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph.Why?Because he's too short to be an essay.
"
70468,"summer is real cute until every frickin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
"
28141,"I'm starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
"
185626,"What do you call the iron-stealing, oxygen-depleting metalloproteins that lurk in the red blood cells of all vertebrates? Hemogoblins.
"
16133,"What value is higher than infinity? Infinity plus 1. I'm sorry.
"
45058,"How is the Battle for Hogwarts like a Black Friday sale? Weasley twins are 50% off
"
28331,"What did the left leg say to the right leg? Between me and you, we can make a lot of money.
"
228962,"Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad! Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn't say that!
"
175439,"If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?
"
229374,"What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain!
"
201615,"Why did Adele leave the house? So she could say Hello from the outside.
"
168381,"Which number confuses people? 82
"
43567,"How do you make 5 pounds of ugly fat really attractive? Put a nipple on it!
"
149410,"Virgins They never gave a fuck.
"
179464,"""""I'd UberBlack for you."""" - what I assume a pick up line in 2016 sounds like
"
204124,"My wife told me I had to give up drinking So I joined the AA. Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake. At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.
"
17966,"Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
"
166919,"*84th flr* CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up? M: Heard Van Halen's """"Jump""""? CW: Sure! Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
"
41566,"Knock-knock... """"Knock-knock"""" """"Who's there?"""" """"Control Freak - now you say 'Control Freak who?'"""" :)
"
220673,"i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day
"
10579,"""""No, I didn't forget your gift"""" *digs in purse """"Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring"""" *removes keys
"
37789,"What do you call a furiously masturbating dinosaur? A Velocifapper.
"
80096,"Black Widow movie slated for this fall A documentary on the aftermath of Baltimore
"
93954,"If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
"
70743,"why does it take so long for a pirate to learn the alphabet? the could spend years at sea
"
192985,"What do sea monsters like to eat? Fish and ships
"
194216,"You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
"
124445,"If I ever die, I'm going to be so mad about all the times I ate kale.
"
162954,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, feminists can't change anything.
"
102652,"My nephew asked, 'How will I know when I'm an adult?' and I said, ' When you hear your favorite Justin Bieber song playing in an elevator'
"
139642,"I would never cheat in a relationship Because that would require two people to find me attractive.
"
53732,"Steven Gerrard has had the worst ending for a Captain Since the Titanic!
"
186151,"[Friday Night] WIFE: Have fun at poker ME {stopping at door}: What did you say? W: Have fun ME: After that W: Uh..at poker- ME: IT'S POKEMAN
"
43507,"What do gay people call each other on? Homophones.
"
59805,"What came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster.
"
125606,"Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I'm like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
"
19282,"How do you tell the difference between Male and Female ghosts? One has boooooobs. The other gets full pay at their jobs.
"
92166,"I heard the best geography joke today... I would tell you but you had to be there.
"
185149,"Today is a very special day. The one day a year I can say I have a girl.
"
82374,"When you're dead, you have no idea you're dead. It's only difficult for other people..... Much the same as when you're stupid.....
"
102028,"*tosses banana peel out the window during a police chase*
"
111175,"hey, whats the definition of a will? come on guys, its a dead giveaway
"
41754,"Plastic Surgeon Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
"
119152,"What's a pirate's favorite amino acid? Aaaaaaaarrrrrginine....
"
200871,"I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
"
101836,"I found a message in a bottle. It said: """"The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.""""
"
150249,"What's an Xbox fanboys' least favourite film? P.S. I Love You
"
196657,"If u love someone and they don't love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
"
6637,"Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
"
96484,"There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
"
121141,"What did the black dude say when his hippie girlfriend asked him to go to burning man with her? Namaste here
"
177234,"Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired Manager: Um... [changes sign to """"Vintage Hams""""] Hipster: I'll take 4
"
135948,"Made a Freudian slip, with my ex-wife. I meant to say: """"Hello"""" but actually said: """"You silly cow, you've ruined my life.""""
"
108405,"I went to the zoo the other day... They only had a dog. It was a Shih Tzu
"
144113,"Why do they put cotton in the top of pill bottles? So black people remember they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
"
83830,"If I ever build my own house, I'm putting a toilet right in front of the refrigerator.
"
227813,"Let's hollow out a meatball & just live in there forever like James & the giant peach but instead of a peach it's a meatball do you get it?
"
3026,"I just saw the movie 50 Shades of gray You could say it had a huge climax.
"
37191,"i asked a German man if he had a wife He said he had nein.
"
155801,"I'm gonna go out on a limb and declare 'Drugs' the winner of the war on drugs.
"
173085,"How do you protect yourself from ghosts? Hide in the living room.
"
101152,"I like my women like I like my coffee... Ground Up and in the Freezer.
"
89725,"Politicians hate each other more than they love America.
"
191767,"What's the difference between a corn farmer with epilepsy and a prostitute with dysentery? One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits.
"
231164,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning!
"
53755,"*rolls grocery cart into open house* Ooh what a lovely lamp! *puts it in cart* An iPad! *crosses iPad off shopping list* *puts it in cart*
"
13629,"What kind of water do you drink when the snow melts? Spring water.
"
35297,"Maybe if we start smacking people when they say something stupid, evolution will eventually create a delay between thinking and speaking.
"
93805,"I just got my roof painted. The painters worked all day long, when I asked them how much I had to pay, they just replied, """"Don't worry about the paint, it's on the house. """"
"
35463,"""""It's always Russia somewhere"""" I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
"
199351,"Didn't manage to catch any fish today... It was a failure.
"
121620,"My grandma was recently beaten to death.. She came in just after my granddad
"
203450,"Some of you change your avi like I change my underwear. Every three days.
"
38434,"Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
"
39563,"Neil Patrick Harris couldn't host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
"
70653,"Why is it a bad idea to swim in the Mississippi River? Because it has pp in it.
"
91797,"A girl told me she loved vintage once... So I locked her in the kitchen and told her she couldn't vote
"
20863,"Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon. Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
"
228742,"It's a good thing my new Thai girlfriend doesn't have an issue with small penises. I just wish she didnt have one.
"
21244,"I had my prostate examined the other day. After it was all over, the doctor left at the same time the nurse came in, and whispered the three words no one wants to hear. Who was that?
"
148634,"Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Everyone can roast beef
"
213551,"How do you tell off a toilet? Tell them to eat shit.
"
91052,"My teacher told me I should stop being consecutively late to school... I guess she can't handle people who are Re-tardy.
"
146833,"What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
"
213486,"Never trust stairs, They're always up to something.
"
198420,"What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man. A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.
"
107130,"What's the worst period of Caitlyn Jenner's life? There is none.
"
224510,"I painted my computer black, so it would run faster. but the cops choked it to death, and ruled it justified.
"
180134,"I'm a kleptomaniac, but it's ok... when it gets bad, I just take something for it.
"
95330,"Why would a dead girl lie? Because she can't stand up.
"
78250,"My Grandfather developed Cancer when he was younger Some say he's the most evil scientist to ever have lived.
"
82084,"If people had to spell something correctly before being allowed to criticize it, the internet would be a much more peaceful place.
"
171316,"what do a divorce and a tornado have in common in west virginia? either way you lose the trailer
"
181293,"My girlfriend hates my cheesy jokes They really grate on her
"
6269,"The best things in life are free. Who let them out?! I PAID GOOD MONEY TO IMPRISON THEM
"
157131,"What's the best kind of alcohol for your liver? Nonanol.
"
67528,"I like my women like I like my coffee...... Ground up and in the freezer
"
53820,"College was the most expensive nap I ever took.
"
199635,"In North Korea, you actually do get freedom of speech. Just not freedom *after* your speech.
"
135173,"""""Dad why'd u name me this?"""" I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live """"Oh ok"""" Now let's go, Air Bud, we're gonna be late for church
"
101863,"If I had a nickel for every time I got distracted... I'm in the mood for some ice cream.
"
157671,"How can if you have a stupid dog ? It chases parked cars !
"
8374,"When does a heterosexual man leave a gay bar? Straight away.
"
51101,"Some fairy tales start with """"once upon a time"""". Others start with """"If I won the elections"""".
"
202652,"what is a jew that has eaten too many beans? a gas chamber
"
176815,"Women shouldn't work outside the home. It's STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
"
141053,"How do you get over Trump's wall? With the help of a Trumpoline.
"
112320,"If you smoke while you're pregnant your baby comes out wearing a t-shirt and jeans looking cool as hell.
"
193877,"And the Lord said unto John; 'Come forth and you shall receive eternal life.' ...But John came fifth and he won a toaster.
"
155710,"My wife told me she'll leave me if I go blind. I guess I'll just have to see.
"
178707,"question about god? if god can do anything can he do nothing?
"
120007,"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
"
28745,"Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
"
140186,"If I were a girl who knew a lot about cars, I'd open up a body shop called Lady Parts.
"
149602,"Sleeping in tomorrow so I have to put my phone on Lebron Mode... No ring
"
114167,"If Barrack Obama wrote a book what would it be called? 50 states of gay.
"
157601,"I remember the last thing my grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket He said """"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?""""
"
62490,"I can't have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
"
101841,"DOUBLE VISION Breasts are proof that men can concentrate on 2 things at once
"
193273,"Did you hear about the monster who had twelve arms and no legs? He was all fingers and thumbs.
"
64090,"Humpty Dumpty had a good Summer... But he had a *great* Fall!
"
8270,"Why did the crew abandon the chili pepper boat? It was capsaicin. ^(Don't hurt me.)
"
97296,"Whats the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
"
140903,"I avoid checking my bank account. I just don't need that negativity in my life.
"
176905,"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers
"
45018,"I like my coffee how I like my women... Without a penis.
"
17361,"Q: Where does an ape sleep? A: In an apricot.
"
197038,"I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.
"
41505,"A girl asked me if I was a good cook. """"Does Meth count?"""" probably wasn't the answer she wanted.
"
157736,"Joseph and Mary are having a romp in the hay. Mary says, """"what if I get pregnant, what will I tell them?"""" Joseph replies, """"you will think of something.""""
"
224009,"Do you know what a will is? C'mon! It's a dead giveaway.
"
165537,"They used to be called Jumpolines. Until your mom jumped on one in 1972.
"
141225,"What do you call a ghost that loves soccer? Ghoooooooooooooouuull!
"
68668,"[Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
"
109980,"What do you call five African-Americans born together? Triplets.
"
20709,"I am not sure if I need to get beat up, broke as hell and drive a P.O.S car to get a hot girlfriend. Because that's all I  see, ugly is the new hot!
"
17838,"To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
"
133583,"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but you have to get them in there first.
"
187999,"Why is my ass good. Because I poop out of it and pick up average household items with it
"
15587,"My nights 50% sleeping 50% avoiding getting up to pee
"
130342,"24 men sucked off in Magaluf. 11 f*cked in Belo Horizonte.
"
43056,"After a long and tough discussion, my wife and I decided to go with adoption. Let the little shits be someone else's problem.
"
7315,"Only my husband would walk up to my gynecologist in Costco, point at me, give him the two thumbs up while grinning and say, 'Nice one, huh?'
"
50549,"A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street... An they see a young boy. The priests says, """"you want to screw him?"""" The rabbi says, """"out of what?""""
"
204607,"My friend told me the onion is the only food that makes you cry. I disagreed and threw a coconut at his face.
"
59247,"If I had a dollar for every maths exam I failed I'd have about $6.50 right now
"
84844,"What is Donald Trump's favorite album? The Wall
"
92862,"What is the difference between a Black Guy and an elevator ? One can raise a child
"
24039,"Q: What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot? A: A walkie-talkie.
"
171253,"At the Republican convention they kept telling everyone to stop with the Bush-bashing... Who are they to tell me what I can and can't do in the bedroom!?
"
113790,"Me: promise you won't show anyone? Him: promise *sends pics H: that's pics of fruit snacks M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
"
18063,"Q. How do you know a blonde has been using a  dishwasher?  A.It's cloged up with paper plates.
"
130887,"Anal Lube? More like Anal *Noob*
"
197814,"""""Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday and it said that I needed an upgrade.""""
"
11913,"What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
"
197028,"What did the baby computer call his dad? Data!
"
228867,"If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I'm going out for tacos
"
16764,"Fucked a girl with one leg once... Should've used my dick .
"
168720,"How do you call a hearing-impaired duck? **HEY DUCK!!!!!**
"
73755,"Why'd God make women pretty but dumb? They're pretty, so men will like them. They're dumb, so they will like men. Courtesy of the great movie Ip Man 3 which I watched yesterday.
"
194250,"Did you hear about the movie Constipation? It hasn't come out yet.
"
140612,"*mugger walks up* GIMME EVERYTHING YOU GOT! *mugger slowly walks away with $2.16 and a lifetime of anxiety & existential misunderstanding*
"
62692,"What's the best was to piss off an archaeologist ? Hand him a used tampon and ask him which period it's from.
"
41465,"Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.
"
38227,"""""I enjoy long walks on the bitch."""" -a flea's online dating profile
"
204480,"What's the difference between jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick up your ass.
"
194211,"""""Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."""" The priest replied, """"I know. I saw your tweet!""""
"
108332,"Did you hear Clinton has a girlfriend? ...they think Bill might have one too.
"
228940,"Why was the Nigerian toddler crying? He was going through mid life crisis.
"
156184,"If you were looking for a joke about pee... urine luck.
"
225037,"I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
"
37327,"Rose: I'm so cold. Jack: Listen, Rose. You're gonna get out of here, you're gonna go on and- fine, you can have my damn hoodie
"
121569,"What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding? Thanks for the mammaries!
"
1271,"Why did the little Dutch boy have to register as a sex offender? He kept on sticking his finger in a tyke.
"
27990,"Want to hear the corniest poop joke ever? No? Too late.
"
111077,"Why can't puns be explained to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things literally
"
215961,"What's the only thing more annoying than a pushy vegan? When redditors won't shut up about how annoying one is.
"
102964,"Why do Russians always wear track suits? Because they are always RUSSIAN to places. thanks
"
83224,"You ever get so drunk you write your social security number in the tip slot on your bar tab?
"
123037,"game of thrones bt it's my family fighting over who will sit in grandma's chair while watching t.v. After she dies.
"
83967,"Jesus' crucifixion was a success... They totally nailed it!
"
105069,"Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn't see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
"
146319,"Dear @Ford what about an f-150 you could drive standing up in the bed like the truck was a boat
"
6138,"I bought my friend an elephant for their room. They said thank you. I said don't mention it.
"
89081,"Eat 70,000 small meals each day to keep your metabolism going strong.
"
108382,"What does a jew eat sushi with? Goy sauce
"
171717,"What do all Amish girls want? Two Mennonite
"
5359,"A man and his zebra There lives a man and his zebra Jose. Jose is hard of sight. Every morning, just at dawn, the man takes out Jose and askes him """"Jose, can you see by the dawn's early light?""""
"
73512,"Why did the duck get arrested? because he was smoking quack!
"
167071,"Why are there no stray dogs in China? Have you heard of stray chickens?
"
215579,"Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number  ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
"
221940,"if you can get a price tag onto a priceless jewel they have to sell it to you for that price, it's a simply trick that saves on heist work
"
100772,"What an old women's vagina taste like? Depends
"
143523,"What do you call a super cool assassin? A badassassin.
"
37094,"Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs? Because they always take things, literally.
"
80239,"what did the doctor say to the midget? you'll just have to be a little patient
"
178152,"wwow i dropped my phone with my twitter open and people crowded around reading it and applauding and women threw roses and kissed my feet
"
11692,"How do you know your at a gay bbq? Hotdogs taste like shit
"
160700,"Damn apple just donated a bunch of ipads to kids in africa The only app on it was ''Where's my water''
"
184674,"I had sex with an escort once but it went horribly wrong. I burned my dick in the exhaust pipe.
"
200880,"A Brit and an American are having a conversation. The American says: """"Wtf do you mean, 'let's go smoke a fag'?"""".
"
174565,"'Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized' ~me talking to my KFC
"
112518,"What do you call a knighted cow? Sir Loin
"
76359,"What do you call someone who can't find a job? A Psych major. (Pls list your own response - if you're awake and in America at this time, you should have a pretty good one). Thanks.
"
98977,"I was gonna make a joke about Mohommad But you have to draw the line somewhere.
"
38690,"*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit* good luck shaking the police off loser *sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
"
226224,"What's the difference between writing your will and owning an ant farm? One's a legacy, the other a sea of legs.
"
66632,"How did Mace die? He was thrown out the Windu.
"
83134,"Hello, you've reached 1-800-NARCISSIST, how can you help me?
"
92641,"I just got a new watch for my ex-wife Seems like a fair trade.
"
158519,"What do you call 717 dead Hajj pilgrims? A good start. My grandfather died making the Hajj; he fell out of a guard tower. Where do Black Muslims go? The back of the stampede!
"
102716,"Roses are red Violeta are blue I have schizophrenia And so do I
"
28904,"How do you make a dead baby float? Nail a piece of styrofoam to its head.
"
50207,"Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it's the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
"
142884,"Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
"
121830,"There used to be an ad campaign that said """"go to work on an egg""""... I tried that, the egg wouldn't move and eventually it cracked, so I went to work on a bicycle as I usually do.
"
150820,"Why did the Baker have brown hands? He kneaded a poo
"
35447,"After working retail I've discovered that there are two types of people in the world Those who can read signs, and customers.
"
74259,"Why don't Canadians have many orgies? Too many thank-you notes.
"
55726,"If my liver was a person, it'd be Doris, the 50 year old waitress pouring coffee at the truckstop for 35 years & smoking since she was born.
"
60359,"My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I'm going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
"
224632,"Amazon Prime is probably the least threatening of all the Transformers.
"
34089,"What do you call a Korean bulldog? *buldogi*
"
177827,"Superman: I'm my own worst enemy. Lex Luthor: oh. That's nice. I'm literally standing right here.
"
166857,"My girlfriend told me that she looked fat, and wanted me to give her a compliment... I told her that her eyesight was outstanding.
"
209081,"I got a job with the Postal Service So I could tell people I'm a mail escort.
"
200137,"You might think a man's anatomy is quite similar to a woman's.... But there's a vas deferens.
"
25672,"Catholic Priests are taking one for the team... They're touching children, for Christ's sake...
"
118538,"just hugged a box of sterile gloves because they can never have baby gloves and that's hard to accept.
"
143263,"look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
"
87634,"Did you ever see a country boy in New  York whistle for a cab? He puts two fingers in his mouth and hollers  """"Taxi!""""
"
39853,"Boy: *calls 911*......... Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
"
95485,"I made a song about a tortilla. [Well actually, it's more of a wrap.](http://i.imgur.com/Clj36.jpg)
"
223365,"Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter
"
209022,"Where do hipsters buy their clothes? Most likely a thrift store or Urban Outfitters, TBH.
"
39421,"Did you hear what happened to the computer programmer? His wife told him, """"while you are out, buy some eggs."""" He never came back.
"
215782,"This one time I farted in an Apple Store.. ...and everyone got mad. But, hey, it's not my problem they don't have *Windows*.
"
225245,"The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can't complete calls.
"
189414,"What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog...because it croaks every night
"
171226,"I can't stand being in a wheelchair. Don't even try and tell me that joke was offensive. Atleast it wasn't a blind joke. I can't see how those are funny.
"
218010,"How do you blind an Asian? With dental floss.
"
190742,"What did the mother of the guy who broke his arms say at the beginning of every 'session'? ssh bby is ok
"
103253,"A book fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame
"
29292,"If I was a serial killer my name would be """"The suspense"""" So my victims would be like """"oh no, the suspense is killing me"""" And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.
"
62664,"I heard that there was no plane be shot down in Constantinople Because there was no Turkey
"
186587,"I just crashed a massive party... ...bus. Luckily there were no major injuries
"
78163,"I'm already visualising the duct tape across your mouth.
"
150963,"Bernie Sanders won another state last night! The State of Denial
"
47068,"FOX is adapting a mash-up of Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire and Are you smarter than a 5th grader for Bangladesh. They're calling it, Who Wants to Marry a 5th Grader
"
2921,"Usually chocolate makes me hyper but my dog ate a pack of Snickers and he's been asleep for hours. Haha wake up so we can play, little guy.
"
21191,"Did you ever hear about the guy who got both his left arm and left leg chewed off by bears? Yeah I saw him a few weeks ago, he's all right
"
206119,"Q. How does Bill Gates enter his house? A. He uses """"windows"""".
"
124159,"Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
"
228440,"Wife walked into the bedroom. """"What the hell are you doing here in my white and gold dress?"""" """"No honey, it s not what it looks like.""""
"
221081,"Hillary Clinton sucks! No she doesn't, because if she did Bill wouldn't have Monica.
"
116729,"Why does Naruto vomit after every meal? He's **BULIMIC!**
"
174190,"My friends say there is a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute
"
143980,"Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
"
117975,"My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
"
182146,"How do you know Mexicans and African Americans are similar?? Once you know Juan you know Jamal
"
35289,"Autocorrect sucks Amorites guys?
"
108448,"My family tree is a cactus,,,,,, Yeah, we're mostly pricks.
"
35458,"A woman visits an astrologer Astrologer: Would you like me to tell you your husband's future? Woman: No you tell me his past, I'll decide his future.
"
2313,"Most animals don't like gore. But leeches are suckers for blood.
"
69034,"What does the handyman who has no legs wear on his head? The handycap.
"
115253,"""""Millennials are so entitled!"""" Aye well I don't see 20-somethings screaming for the manager because their coupon expired a month ago, Janet
"
228326,"A bagpipe player, a banjo player and an accordion player all walk into a bar... everybody leaves.
"
159234,"Imagine a shark eating pizza. Imagine you were frog. Imagine a donkey wearing a skirt. Imagine someone telling you to imagine stupid things.
"
209743,"If you play the movie Jaws backwards it's basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
"
97715,"How many political idealists does it take to change a light bulb? None, political idealists can't change anything.
"
74063,"I always drink heavily whenever there's a blizzard or a hurricane or the slightest breeze.
"
52489,"How do you fix a monkey? With a Monkey Wrench!
"
129641,"If you Say the word """"murder"""" over and over again out loud, it starts to sound really weird and everyone in this starbucks will stare at you.
"
19115,"My phone died, so I was forced to """"print"""" a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
"
220107,"[stops girl before she walks in the puddle] """"I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back""""
"
208612,"I recently found an audio bible narrated by James Earl Jones Overall it was good, though the book of Luke seemed a bit forced
"
7397,"What did the old Frankish barbarians say to the Roman invasion? [](/dumbfabric)""""You don't have the *Gaul* to do it!""""
"
120104,"A horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender asks, """"Why the long face?"""" And the horse replies, """"I'm finally starting to realize that my alcoholism is tearing my family apart,""""
"
30052,"""""What do we want?!!"""" """"PSYCHIC POWERS! NOW!"""" """"When do we want it?!!""""
"
156270,"What is DJ Khaled's favorite fraction? 1/9. Because, after the decimal, it's always another one.
"
183158,"There are alot of Hillary signs in my neighborhood... When did she change her last name to 'For Prison'?
"
216098,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotopuss
"
29859,"How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious! That Israeli how he does it!
"
216400,"How many meateaters does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they would rather stay in the dark
"
221110,"Guide to DIY: 1. Double the cost estimate. 2. Double the time it should take. 3. Live with it for 3 months 4. Hire someone to fix it.
"
208868,"Whenever you see me on screen, just know there's a highly likely chance I was 20% acting and 80% thinking about what's for lunch
"
96161,"How do you blindfold a chinese person... you put a floss over their eyes.
"
198168,"Why did Princess Leia cry at the end of Return of the Jedi? Her father just died.
"
7904,"I'm hesitant to go ahead with my new plastic surgeon since he said he could give me """"the parts of an animal"""" I was all gung-ho before, but now he's given me paws
"
223041,"What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders
"
197990,"A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first? The bystander with the camera.
"
11188,"People who don't understand what I'm trying to say are anti-semantics.
"
144080,"Just had a panic attack thinking how little time I've practiced picking up stuff with my toes in the event I ever lose my arms.
"
4289,"Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
"
37929,"Waterskiing is fun. I wish there were more sports where machines just dragged you around
"
54536,"I made a miniature lemon-lime pie... It was a little tart
"
59786,"Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that's why I'm putting this salad in my pockets, you don't know me.
"
97778,"I just got fired from my job at the fruit market. I was driving people bananas.
"
42650,"Why do Feminists Like to have Sex with the Lights Off? They can't stand to see a man have a good time.
"
190231,"I find the f1 key really attractive. I think I need help.
"
51156,"Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.
"
118820,"What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios? Wow!! Donut seeds!!!!
"
76363,"10:00 am: sitting alone at work 10:05 am: my pudding cup is my new best friend 10:06 am: ate my best friend 10:07 am: sitting at work alone
"
16178,"What do you call an aardvark that writes poems? A bardvark!
"
30149,"My daughter just asked me about UpBro! Lol Can you believe it?
"
57159,"I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
"
122359,"A blind man walks into a bar Then into a chair, then into table.
"
90764,"There's two fish in a tank, and one says """"How do you drive this thing?""""
"
158422,"I just tore a dumpling in half It was wonton destruction
"
205331,"What's a pirate's favorite bomb? The tsARRR bomba.
"
207934,"Sarah fell of the swing because she has no arms..... Knock knock Who's there? Not sarah!
"
97511,"Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
"
151070,"Four years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl in the world out on a date. Thirty minutes ago, I asked her to marry me. Both times she said no.
"
64716,"If an apple a day keeps the doctor away how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
"
138278,"I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free!
"
231004,"""""Blow me."""" -Soup.
"
187450,"People ask me why I don't have any tattoos. I tell em """" would you put a bumper sticker on your ferrari?
"
206534,"In Israel, we just want peace. A piece of Jordan, a piece of Egypt, a piece of Lebanon...
"
100011,"Why did the Mexican... ... throw his wife off a cliff? Tequila!  ... go to the home improvement store in December? Fajitas!
"
95474,"Why do Jewish men get circumcised? Because Jewish women love anything 20% off.
"
151314,"A blind man walks into a bar... and a stool and a table.
"
2459,"What do you call a pickle sandwich that's a scientist? Dill Rye
"
213639,"How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
"
130416,"*1st date* [be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3] so where do y- *internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
"
108498,"She blinded me with Science. Okay, it was pepper spray.
"
89026,"*gets naked* *gets baked* *doesn't get why they don't rhyme*
"
195611,"My parents think im a failure... I cant wait to show them the A i got on my hepatitis test
"
206077,"What do you get if you cross a ghost and a newsreader ? A spooksman !
"
17094,"Why don't kids like cheesy jokes? ... they're too mature for their taste
"
114066,"I am a man with convictions. Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
"
157777,"Can you believe Five Guys is a hamburger place and not an orgy store?! I'm too under dressed and overlubed to eat a hamburger now.
"
75964,"What did the overly excited gardener do when spring arrived? He wet his plants.
"
11151,"What does your girlfriend and my garage have in common? I pull out of both of them.
"
115750,"Why do some loudspeakers have holes? For the pleasure of the audiophiles.
"
102755,"The plural of """"person on Segway"""" is """"losers.""""
"
49530,"What did Darth Vader say to the Internet? May the force e-with you.
"
193284,"What do yo call a gay dinosaur that's a transgendered bottom? Trannysoreass!
"
112924,"I used to be addicted to soap... i am clean now
"
31641,"#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
"
26536,"Her lips were saying """"no""""..... But her eyes were saying """"read my lips""""....
"
159083,"ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry? HIM: Maui ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
"
43523,"""""Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you.""""
"
11546,"My wife tried on a new dress and turned to me and said, """"I look fat, can you give me a compliment?"""" """"You have perfect eyesight"""", I replied.
"
59991,"Where do Eggs keep their holidays pictures? In a photo albumen...
"
22594,"What has five arms, three legs and a head? The finish line at the Boston Marathon
"
50454,"My wife and I were happy for 20 years Then we met.
"
134678,"ANOTHER BULL NAME Q: What do you call a masturbating bull? A: Beef Strokinoff.
"
85761,"GERG: She licked ur donut? JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER! GERG: gross! JERY: she also said she """"hates america"""" GERG: Donut licking traitor!
"
90736,"What did the cannibal get when he was home late for dinner? A cold shoulder
"
100456,"They say it's a joke, but, is it?
"
206860,"What does a know-it-all always have in their kitchen? A pedantry.
"
123648,"hokey pokey The hokey pokey crashed my computer. Stack overflow (You might have to be a programmer to appreciate this)
"
85694,"Two cleaners had a massive fight in my office earlier. Hell of a dust up.
"
115115,"Are we sure that we're supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I'm discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
"
188553,"I'm going to keep buying cats until one of them does something hilarious and makes me a YouTube millionaire.
"
185375,"William joined the army... He rather disliked the phrase """"fire at will.""""
"
208008,"Who would still buy a Note 7 after all the controversy? A Muslim
"
51226,"If I don't charge my iPad at the beginning of the week I spend the whole time just trying to catch up to 100%.
"
98373,"David Cameron: """"In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked."""" Buckingham Palace?
"
82195,"Eric Garner tried stand up comedy... But he choked on stage.
"
22464,"Yo mama so ugly that not even goldfish crackers smile back
"
153004,"There's an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
"
124925,"Why does the dyslexic Spanish speaker have a poor self image? His chemistry teacher told him he was mostly made of cabron.
"
45050,"Diet diary, day 3 I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake. But the cup cakes were amazing.
"
2456,"What the difference between the titanic and climate change? Climate change beat the ice berg
"
211553,"Making out with the pharmacist has its percocets...
"
90844,"Why did Leonardo Take forever to laugh at my Oscars joke? Cause he just got it!
"
141088,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market - Cyberpunk Barbie ...includes 'trodes and implants
"
1247,"Difference Between Good Girls And Bad Girls Good Girls Open Few Buttons In Hot Atmosphere, But Bad Girls Open All Buttons To Make The Atmosphere Hot.
"
57557,"How would you try to sleep with a fat girl? oh, sorry, i misspelled """"why""""...
"
14788,"Here's my review of EA Sorry EA but if you want the review it'll be $5.99 for each letter and $7.99 for each punctuation and comma
"
7427,"Judge: """"Reason for divorce?"""" Me: """"Reconcilable differences."""" Judge: """"Don't you mean irreconcilable?"""" Me: """"Ugh. You sound just like her.""""
"
210344,"Q: How do you tell a brown bear from a grizzly bear? A: Climb a tree. If the bear climbs up and eats you, it's a brown bear. If the bear knocks the tree down and eats you, it's a grizzly.
"
83396,"What is the difference between Iron man and Iron woman? Iron man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.
"
113597,"I've got a joke. So the other day I found out I'm really bad at telling stories.
"
98349,"What did the train say on the way to Auschwitz? Jew-Jew
"
43087,"Your iTunes is working just fine. Would you like to update it?
"
109069,"What does a Frog use to fish with? A TAD POLE.
"
86811,"With all this excitement about Guardians of the Galaxy, we shouldn't forget the movie of the summer is yet to come out. We still have to wait for Expendables 3.
"
199514,"Warning, you'll only get this if you understand a rudimentary amount of ancient Greek. When an ancient Athenian was asked whether he preferred the sand or the sea, he replied: Tha latta
"
199134,"Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
"
64955,"A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. """"How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?"""" he asks with a large smile on his face.
"
155795,"A blonde walks into the doctors and explains that she is unable to drink coffee without getting a severe pain in her eye. The doctor replies; """"Maybe take the spoon out before you try drinking it""""
"
18270,"One half of reddit will be mortified, the other will laugh at this joke. What did the south tower say to the north? BRB man, I've got to catch a plane. Im soz.
"
173355,"""""Um excuse me, my eyes are up here. And here. And here, here, here, here, and here."""" - spider with big tits
"
95118,"A better name for 'Abercrombie and Fitch' would be 'Abercrombie and White Trash Pre-Abortion Smelly Whore Store'
"
92734,"Anyone who uses the phrase """"easy as taking candy from a baby"""" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
"
87145,"What did the vampire say when his son scraped his knee? **""""Suck it up""""**
"
26256,"My exercise routine is a running joke.
"
101180,"Should I ever go missing, please don't let the news use my 7th grade picture.
"
50529,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
"
120876,"How many ducks would there be if you saw two ducks in front of two ducks two ducks between two ducks and two ducks behind two ducks?  Answer: 4 ducks-because they are in a row.
"
217723,"A guy walks into a bar He has a frog on his shoulder, the bartender says Hey where'd ya get that? The frog says it started out as a wart on my ass.
"
134971,"I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.
"
203413,"Doctor: """"You have a hip injury."""" Me: """"I am very trendy.""""
"
223588,"I don't know why they call it a period. At my house it's more like """"!#%* you, you piece of $&amp;!@"""".
"
79311,"How much is twelve units of mass? Dozen matter.
"
98593,"Mexican Magician A Mexican magician was known for his vanishing act. He would drape a sheet over his head and count: """"Uno! Dos!""""...........POOF! the sheet fell flat. He was gone without a Tres.
"
92423,"""""Is there a genius in the house?! It's an emergency!"""" *I start to get up from table* *wife discretely stops me* *I silently agree with wife*
"
29829,"I think my entire family is racist.. I was dating a white woman and eventually brought her to my home to meet my family. My wife and kids never even wanted to speak to her.
"
173131,"A groaner just for you... Q. What do you have if you are holding a mothball in your right hand and a mothball in your left hand? A. A **VERY** large moth...
"
29406,"Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
"
119223,"I'm confused. Hi Confused. I'm a dad joke.
"
127575,"So I sucked an ass this morning. I mean, everyone eats thier animal crackers differently.
"
126624,"Why female sys-admins restart systems more often then men? Because they love those new boots!
"
124207,"I wanted to go as the invisible man for Halloween this year. But my Girlfriend made me put my clothes back on.
"
55925,"Why can't clocks keep secrets? Because, time will always tell.
"
9399,"There was once a Roman who ate his girlfriend. He was gladiator.
"
194995,"Bernie Sanders is so fed up with the BS in politics that he is changing his name. He's changing it to Ernie Anders.
"
195095,"Gift horse """"My gums are bleeding."""" Dentist """"Well this is a professional dilemma...""""
"
3237,"Why is Islam called the religion of peace? After you leave the religion, you rest in peace.
"
181699,"Wearing crocs is like getting a blow job from a guy. Feels good till you look down and realize you're gay (Credit to Adam Corolla)
"
57187,"Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? There were so many Knights
"
12654,"What do you call a Polish dancer? A stripper
"
196329,"Thank you for explaining the word """"many"""" to me. It means a lot.
"
34686,"When it comes to music..... Nobody beats The Jackson 5. Except for their dad. That guy beat the shit out of those kids.
"
27920,"On a scale of newlyweds to married 25 years, how willing are you to admit I'm right?
"
3842,"Kanye's acceptance speech on the VMA's
"
223851,"So, It's not ok to write """"always best to have a spare incase you break the first one"""" on facebook, when someone announces a second pregnancy
"
137711,"My ex-wife says I have 2 brains. One is a penis... ...and apparently, the other's an asshole.
"
3018,"How to give your woman 12 inches and make her bleed. Bang her twice and punch her in the mouth.
"
71688,"How do you know Santa Claus is married? He only comes once a year.
"
174594,"How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb? It was too bright in here anyway.
"
160710,"The Flat Earth Community has supporters all around the globe.
"
79026,"Why are yogurt eaters sophisticated? Because they're WELL-CULTURED.
"
101048,"What do you call a confused Chinese guy? Wong Wei
"
85734,"Leonardo.... NoOscario
"
16639,"My dad used to beat me... At tic-tac-toe.
"
32407,"Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
"
17702,"Why do North Korean statesmen make for bad lovers? Because they won't hold a public erection.
"
29531,"House Hunters: """"We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown."""" Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds? """"haha no"""" *3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
"
83158,"The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
"
162681,"Which cheese is the loneliest? Prov-alone!
"
77187,"I told my friend that playing with money was not funny, He told me that I had no cents of humor.
"
12123,"""""Johnny Depp looks good in that outfit!"""" """"That's Diane Keaton.""""
"
136196,"Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time....
"
189678,"Who was the first underwater spy? James Pond.
"
98508,"What's the difference between a blowjob and a ham sandwich? wanna go to lunch?
"
42705,"Did you know that every frog used to have at least some polish genes? In fact, they were a tad-pole.
"
14809,"an advice to every dad,if you wanna see your children just turn the router off,they will suddenly appear.btw ur neighbor might come as well.
"
161046,"Wakes up grumpy, but most days he just lets her sleep....
"
206092,"Coup attempt on Turkey from the rear Did Greece help?
"
221932,"When is the only time a woman says something smart? When her sentence starts with """"A wise man once said""""
"
170906,"There are five states of matter. 1. Solid 2. Liquid 3. Gas 4. Plasma 5. Black Lives
"
89787,"What are the consequences of smoking weed? The reefercussions
"
54674,"I am not fat I'm just making a very successful recovery from anorexia.
"
158878,"A group of protesters are in front of a physics lab """"What do we want?"""" """"Time travel!"""" """"When do we want it?"""" """"Irrelevant.""""
"
97300,"Why did Donald Trump cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
"
195773,"The porn actor's reaction after being denied a raise... I don't get it, I always worked so hard!
"
154560,"What's the shortest book in the world? Deutscher Humor!
"
155092,"The navigator of the Titanic dashed to the Captain's deck. Navigator: """"Sir, if we keep heading that way we will hit the iceberg! We have to change course now!!"""" Captain: """"but it's unsinkable.""""
"
154805,"How many debutants can you fit in ballroom at the Waldorf Astoria? [OC] Like, a cotillion of 'em.
"
122916,"Past, present, and future walk into a bar It was tense.
"
83926,"The invention of the wheel was revolutionary. The lightbulb was a brilliant idea, and the rocket's invention is simply out of this world.
"
231120,"I think I'm indecisive... but I'm not really sure.
"
119136,"Why did the t-rex cross the road? Because the chicken hadn't evolved yet.
"
178618,"A man comes home from work and says to his wife, """"Honey, I'm thinking about ordering a strap-on dildo from Amazon..."""" """"What do you think? Is that something you could get behind?""""
"
216614,"I was diagnosed with Tom Jones Syndrome yesterday. I asked the doctor if it was a rare condition. """"It's not unusual"""".
"
96960,"Bad Joke? What did the 2 sundaes say to eachother? I wish it was SUNDAY
"
115591,"What's it called when you commission someone to make an animated image for your girlfriend but he pockets the money and disappears? A gf gif gift grift
"
158508,"Don't like me? You'll come around. - Onion Rings
"
102011,"What is an Iraqi children on a playground doing? He's distracting the sniper. Didn't want to offend.
"
61373,"My trip to the psychiatrist. Me: I have a crippling fear of backstories. Psychiatrist: So when did this begin? Me: AHHHHH!!!!!!
"
93638,"What happened to the the Pentagon after the plane crash in 9/11? It turned into a hexagon.
"
206885,"If my wife ends an argument with """"Fine, do what you want!"""" I'm pretty sure the words """"If you do, I'll stab you in your sleep"""" are implied.
"
55577,"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? I've never made a vitamin...
"
3749,"When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people......
"
203991,"One in every six people on this planet are Chinese. Of my five brothers, I suspect Danny.
"
74793,"What do you say to a urinating Italian? You're-a-pee'n
"
223793,"The bartender says """"we don't serve your kind here."""" A time traveller walks into a bar.
"
185037,"Josh tells his friend Steve, 'did you know 2 out of every 3 people live next to a paedophile?' Steve replies 'not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 years olds'
"
185021,"My lame RPG joke. What do you call a thief with steel armor? A stealer!!!!!
"
24885,"How did Pinocchio realize he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire.
"
8144,"(NSFW) It's been just over 10 years since we lost the Crocodile Hunter. He was a man of morals that died the same way that he lived... With animals in his heart.
"
127387,"I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I'm on it and that's not what's happening.
"
213137,"Some guy knocked on my door today and said, """"I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."""" I said """"You've got the wrong house then, mate""""
"
32395,"What happens when the smog rises in Los Angeles...? . . . . UCLA.
"
162394,"The only person who's never seen what a chef in a pizzeria looks like is the artist who draws the cartoon chefs on pizza boxes.
"
49375,"How do you stop bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their little brooms!
"
157634,"Judging by my handwriting possible future career choices include doctor or kindergartner.
"
223022,"A man walked into a bar """"Ouch""""
"
82845,"I knew that psychic wasn't legit when she let me write a check.
"
2438,"I have to say to you something... something.
"
31634,"what do you call a deer without eyes? no eyedeer..
"
197590,"don't always talk on the phone. But when I do, I walk around like an idiot and touch everything in sight.
"
43623,"My 85 year old Grandfather just burned me so hard... Me: """"Hey Pup, know what I've been thinking?"""" Pup: """"Is that what I smell burning?""""
"
124118,"What do you call a folder on FBI's servers that contains all the intel on known child molesters? A Pedo File.
"
139270,"Roses are red Violets are blue Meet me in bed To learn something new Pfff....poetry is easy
"
148251,"Scientists have finally discovered the secret of longevity of hedgehogs... ...It turns out, there is no secret. They don't even live that long.
"
30986,"whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
"
166142,"I just got awake from sleep, after 61 days April Fools :D got it ; 61 days ..earlier ..from today right, no ? alright move on :|
"
141393,"Which dinosaur knew... Q: Which dinosaur knew the most words? A: The thesaurus.
"
135647,"What's a polar bear? A rectangular bear after a co&amp;ouml;rdinate transform.
"
189241,"It's dumb for me to spend money on porn or sex... ... that's a lot of money wasted on 3 and a half minutes.
"
176527,"95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now. Overall productivity level remains steady.
"
99459,"Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
"
174180,"ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight* MOM: *shouting* use your words! MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
"
138090,"I jerk off roughly once a day. I try to be a little more loving and gentle the other 2-3.
"
180679,"North Korea bans sarcasm What a great idea.
"
50123,"If you tell me to make myself at home, don't be surprised when I take my pants off and drink all your vodka.
"
97589,"Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will """"Let It Go.
"
39126,"(after bedtime) 3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM! Me: go to sleep. 3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN'T HEAR YOU M: yes you can 3:NO I CAN'T
"
163860,"painting Painting is the second thing in the world that requires hand and imagination simultaneously
"
170210,"a mute tells a deaf person a joke
"
6663,"What did the physicists say when he accidentally broke his resistor?  my ghosh
"
133694,"Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids... I won!! No one's a match for me and my kettle.
"
114308,"What's the difference between three black guys and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
"
180937,"Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this. 4yos: Me: 4yos: Me: 4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
"
130195,"When someone shows you a picture of their kid the one thing they don't wanna hear is... """"Oh yeah I have some photos of your kid too""""
"
198935,"How will you know your sister has period? When you taste blood in your father's dick
"
229134,"I honestly never believed that whole story about Lance Armstrong walking on the moon.
"
200856,"A law student walks into a bar... He says, """"Shit I should've prepared for this.""""
"
7085,"Why did Bill Cosby go to Japan with a bag of roofies? He had Jello fever!
"
134128,"A Roman guy walks into a bar He holds up two fingers and says """"five beers please""""
"
216636,"_____________/\__________\o/_____ Swim little man swim! Swim away from the shark! You have to save yourself!
"
214805,"I always get confused between bi and semi Which one means you like to fuck 18 wheelers?
"
169488,"You should not disagree with my spear It has a point.
"
33205,"What's six feet tall , silver and stands at the end of kids beds? Gary Glitters boots.
"
19052,"What's a German's favorite fruit? An Auto-Bahnana
"
23084,"What's the difference between a Groupie and a Stalker? A penis.
"
122502,"Why am I subscribed to r/History I just realized there never anything new there
"
140963,"Recent studies have shown that people who have hands larger than their face is a sign of intelligence. Wait, crap, I need to be there in person for this to work.
"
127643,"How can you tell when your girlfriend is too fat? She fits into your wife's clothes.
"
189671,"What's wrong with a broken alphabetizer? It's out of order.
"
112701,"Dad said I need to be the rock for a friend who is having a tough time. Currently practicing that eyebrow thing & wrestling moves.
"
200374,"Can someone tell Buzz that it's impossible to go beyond infinity, guy's pretty stupid for an astronaut.
"
156396,"I wish my grass was emo..... So it would cut itself
"
37011,"I don't often tell sailor jokes But when I do they are usually salty.
"
17646,"There was a man who entered a local newspaper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
"
102604,"OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET? Cop: Sir, you're still laying on the ground where you fell down.
"
195591,"You can never trust an atom because they make up everything
"
171310,"So what do you say to an invisible man? Stand Clear.
"
112139,"Have you heard that China's panda project is disastrously failing? All of the pandas are dying of pneumonia. It's causing pandaneumonium.
"
29855,"What did Goldberg say when he boarded the wrong train? """"Auschittz.""""
"
102073,"My girlfriend is like my car... Stolen property
"
89072,"The hell with a Klondike Bar, ask me what I'd do for a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
"
147598,"8th Harry Potter book confirmed, you'll never believe who wrote it... J.K.
"
138787,"left my laptop bag at a restaurant last night and today i went to pick it up and the lady asked what was inside to verify that it's mine,
"
23468,"Woman: Please send an ambulance, I'm having contradictions!! Operator: Ma'am, do you mean 'contractions'? Woman: Yes! No!
"
130774,"Have you heard about that new film about the tractor? I just saw the trailer.
"
201289,"So I got a text from a guy. He said he lives across the street and would like to get to know me. I answered that I live in front of a cemetery and those kind of acquaintances scare the shit out of me.
"
166261,"Carly is a pirate. Because X marks the spot.
"
183273,"My friend lost his toes in a car accident, so I punched him in the face I'm lack toes intolerant
"
27932,"What do you call a transvestite postal worker? a mail lady
"
117457,"""""I'm sooo wasted,"""" said My Opportunities.
"
97754,"[first date] DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths ME: *slowly pushes date's coffee off table*
"
150376,"Did you hear that archaeologists discovered an unusual ancient Egyptian tomb recently? The body was preserved with chocolate and nuts. Experts believe it to be the tomb of Pharaoh Roche!
"
92628,"I'm such an alcoholic.... That when Alcohol does its taxes, it claims me as its dependant!
"
73185,"Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
"
51280,"I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer. No one will do it.
"
100637,"Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal? He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.
"
93006,"When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would've survived in that situation. I almost died during finding nemo
"
47664,"It must be terribly disappointing to go through the trouble of blowing oneself up only to discover 72 twenty year olds playing Warcraft.
"
52646,"The problem with psychotic cab drivers. They drive me crazy.
"
34218,"Why was the cookie crying? Because it's mom was a wafer so long.
"
40473,"I like my women like I like my beard Big, bushy, and sitting on my face.
"
33782,"If you are what you eat Does that make Jeffery Dahmer a young man?
"
37331,"When is a car no longer a car? When it turns into a driveway
"
16032,"My wife and I have a new arrangement. I can sleep with any woman I want, but she doesn't speak to me or live with me anymore.
"
210950,"Cephalopod humour How much does it cost to treat an ill octopus? Six Quid....
"
66728,"Bones - joke Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!
"
16872,"What do you call it when you hire your relatives to play with your nipples? Nippletism
"
37026,"How do the Chinese decide on their next porn star? They hold an erection...
"
28005,"How many animals can you fit into a pair of panty hose? 2 calves, an ass, 1 beaver, a shit load of hares, a camel toe, and a fish nobody can find.
"
166616,"My wife still misses me But her aim is getting better
"
32629,"Why do the republicans defend the 2nd amendment so hard? They need it to shoot themselves in the foot.
"
18202,"*holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you'll be good and I won't have to make that happen again.
"
27888,"Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
"
213570,"Probably drank too much coffee this morning. Probably drank too much. Probably too much coffee. Drank too much. Coffee. Probably.
"
80415,"How do dogs like to have sex? RUFF!
"
78340,"Did you hear about the man who got his entire left side of his body mauled off by a bear? He's all right now.
"
57713,"Why does Steve Irwin hate sunblock? It doesn't protect from harmful rays
"
220328,"I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don't raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
"
194536,"If you ever get cold, just go hang out in a corner... They are usually 90 degrees.
"
57956,"I never wear red because I don't want to anger any bulls disguised as cab drivers or businessmen.
"
71532,"My wife isn't much of a wrestler But man you should see her box.
"
111215,"Wait, what's that noise? Is there a dying cat outside? Oh...no...it's just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
"
169019,"Why do black people wear chains? Nostalgia
"
180606,"If you could choose between world peace and 1 million dollars... What would you buy?
"
219373,"In a new poll, 80% of Japanese women admit to having faked origami
"
21920,"People say I'm a completely different person when I'm drunk so technically I'm proud to say I never cheated before!
"
226409,"How do you circumscize a redneck? By kicking his sister's jaw.
"
214191,"My small child told me his opinion on politics and I disowned him for being a nerd
"
163107,"Exchanging sexual favors for karma Humpvotes
"
91412,"What is a pirates favorite letter You probably think it's """"arrr"""" but it be the """"c""""
"
57310,"Went early to my Tantric Sex class last night... Was told to come later.
"
111097,"Why did the cheerleader get kicked out on her last day of school?[x-post from /r/punny ] Because you can't end on a prep position.
"
149462,"Trump: """"Knock knock"""" Hillary: """"Who's there?"""" Trump: """"Interrupting Donald Trump"""" Hillary: """"Interrupting Donald Tr-"""" Trump: """"WRONG""""
"
100026,"Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have snacks in your purse.
"
61266,"Someone that knows three languages is multilingual. Someone that knows two languages is bilingual. So what do you call someone that only knows one language? An American.
"
72353,"I've got a hot auntie that works for the electric board. Do you wanna meter?
"
218991,"""""So we kill a tree"""" Ok """"And put it inside our house"""" Nice """"Then we hang up some socks"""" I'm with ya """"And then we drink egg milk punch"""" What
"
60712,"What do you call a half gay man? A semicolon.
"
167380,"I am still paying... A little boy asked his father, """"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"""" Father replied, """"I don't know son, I'm still paying.""""
"
107852,"Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
"
66297,"My Grandpa told me this joke when I was 16... It took me a few years to understand it. How do you get a black man to stop jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.
"
51473,"What happens if you don't pay the priest who exorcises your house? He'll re-possess it
"
184252,"You know what's fucking shit? A scat fetish
"
141725,"God never gives you more than you can handle. But I'm not God. I'm just a bag boy. And you'll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
"
59605,"Well my friend was raped by a troupe of mime artists... They did unspeakable things to her.
"
33462,"French intelligence joke
"
142734,"HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.
"
100686,"Q: Why was the broom late? A: Because he overswept.
"
176000,"Did you hear about the man who was frozen to absolute zero? He's 0k now
"
67127,"One time I walked in to a pole..... ...... and, uh, I don't remember.
"
71173,"What's the difference between a bot and a Trump supporter? A bot has a chance of reacing self-awareness in our lifetime.
"
198882,"Research shows that smoking pot does not make you paranoid. But I highly doubt it.
"
6882,"If I were a dog would you help me bury my bone?
"
30490,"What happens when you give a politician viagra? He gets taller
"
15790,"If there was a way to read a woman's mind...I'm still not sure I'd want too...I hate shoes, shopping, gossip & I already know I'm annoying.
"
211346,"They say don't dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
"
184055,"My math paper had a question involving finding the expectation of a die roll. It took me a moment to figure out what it means
"
216033,"Wanna know the difference between a street performer and a hobo? The age
"
125648,"It turns out vaccines cause cancer. You'll actually live long enough to get it.
"
97835,"How did one tire get the attention of another tire? pssssssssssst
"
51902,"FB friend's boy in a baseball uniform pic: """"Our little pitcher"""" Me: """"He looks more like a catcher"""" Nobody got it. So I'm back here..
"
21028,"I don't always start a joke without finishing it, but when I d
"
62217,"COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let's check upsta-- GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
"
13322,"What if the cure for cancer is in the mind of someone who cant afford an education?
"
195291,"What do 6 lesbians and 6 government workers have in common? They're a dozen people who don't do dick.
"
109761,"How Much Food did Soviet Ukraine Need in the Early 1930s? A whole-lot-more
"
118381,"I tried talking to this hot girl and she put her hand up and said I only think with my dick So I told her to blow my mind, then.
"
108787,"Only one more sleep to go before I lose my job as a night security guard.
"
89820,"MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city ME: So long, suckers! *hops in city and drives away* MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
"
120040,"I just saw two people having aggressive sex while camping. They were fucking in tents.
"
142334,"If you make that Civic muffler loud enough, you can drown out your dad's voice calling you a worthless piece of crap. Almost.
"
4435,"*at waffle house* """"do you want bacon or sausage?"""" 'YES'
"
221537,"Joke What do Twitter drama and football have in common? They are both interesting to watch.
"
63071,"If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
"
28609,"What grey has a wand huge wings and gives money to elephants ? The tusk fairy !
"
153175,"Ever heard of the band called 1023 Megabites? Of course not, they haven't had any gigs yet.
"
191965,"So ISIS attacker hid IEDs inside his rectum and detonated it.. What was the last thing that went through this terrorist mind? His ass of course lol. P.s. This is from a true story
"
99441,"What is Ronald Reagan's favourite vegetable? James Brady.
"
198576,"What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An Investigator
"
77315,"(Anxiety/Depression joke) I'm always exhausted... except for my nervous energy.
"
99391,"A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.
"
208276,"Bill Cosby used to be my rolemodel... Until i found out he was a comedian.
"
219122,"How do you ruin someones peaceful thoughts? Puppymonkeybaby
"
143148,"Break ups are the worst in China. You see her face everywhere.
"
3089,"How did the shrimp eat all the fish food? shellfishly
"
78783,"What do you call a woman with a very round head? Sophia. (sphere) it works best spoken
"
152720,"At a rally today Donald Trump ordered the secret service to remove a crying baby. They had him halfway to the curb before realizing the error.
"
174634,"I fucked a sarcastic girl. She loved it.
"
190346,"They say when a Japanese girl is really turned on... The pixels will align.
"
98195,"Argario make me like a pornstar... First I'm say I'm going to eat all the balls. Then I scream THAT'S THE LARGEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN!!!
"
13448,"I don't want to tell you how to run your company, Hostess, but liquidating just as weed becomes legal seems like a bad business decision.
"
9901,"I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat! -Don't you mean pig? No. He tried to eat my couch!
"
136219,"Where does the army keep fish? In a tank.
"
67436,"What do mermaids wear to math class? An algae-bra!
"
109399,"A man goes into a shop to buy flowers for his wife. he then fucks the cashier and gets a divorce
"
145729,"If you watch Cinderella backwards... ..it's about a women who learns her place. Old one but still funny.
"
164512,"...People put the punch line in the title Don't you hate it when...
"
71935,"What do you call an Ethiopian with a piece of cheese on his head? Quarter pounder with cheese!
"
85588,"brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it's just nice to be held.
"
132296,"[magician rolls over in bed] """"Last night was amazing"""" Woman: Magical. Make me breakfast? Magician: [waves magic wand, eats her]
"
230906,"Wanna hear a Nirvana joke? Nevermind.
"
95913,"Don't make fun of fat people; they have enough on their plate.
"
93873,"everything in the world's horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
"
5977,"Actually, there are but two types of people Those who can extrapolate from limited data ...
"
164108,"Learn how to avoid internet rip offs..... Send me Reddit gold and I will give you valuable information on how to avoid future scams.
"
127731,"I have an outstanding warrant for loitering. *I don't know why my brain thought this was the funniest joke to replay during my sleep this morning but it made me wake up giggling.
"
217542,"Grilled some hotdogs and offered my friend one He said, """"No thanks, I'm Jewish."""" I said, """"Don't worry, they're free.""""
"
61098,"Why is Rengar so OP? Because E: Bola Strike.
"
133371,"I think it's really strange how some people talk to their animals, give them personalities and make up voices for them. My dog, Steve, agrees with me.
"
28940,"A blonde joke... Donald Trump.
"
71608,"Where did socially awkward Nazis get sent? To the conversation camp! (That was a part of my shower thoughts and popped spontaneously into my mind)
"
142,"My Parents asked me what i wanted for christmas... I said i want something to wear and something to play with. So they got me a pair of pants with the pockets cut out.
"
79356,"What do you call a poodle that serves coffee? A Bark-ista! I said a bark-ista Coral.
"
207703,"Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of the pants
"
91118,"Why does Waldo wear stripes? Because he didn't want to be spotted
"
117078,"I have been playing DotA2 all day... My whole dagon
"
173421,"""""Hellooooo? I'm tweeting here, pay some attention to me"""" - everyone on twitter ever.
"
85071,"Everyone should have that """"tester"""" first twitter account to screw up and learn from... You know, kinda like that first child you have.
"
108985,"Note to self: I am a note
"
141865,"I'm tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
"
182021,"How do you get four old ladies to say the F word? Have the fifth one say.... BINGO!
"
214374,"How does a seamstress reply to someone asking her how her day was? So,so.....
"
19050,"I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it..... It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.
"
175099,"Because it ruins the joke. Why should you never mix up the title and the punchline?
"
203900,"They should make condoms out of bubble wrap. *pop pop* Hee-hee! *pop pop pop* Hee-hee! *pop pop pop* Hee-hee-oh! *pop* That was fun!
"
13701,"I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling """"Wilbur, you include your brother!""""
"
79521,"What do you call a bunch of male pornstars on a flight together? Snakes on a plane.
"
160912,"What's Brown and sounds like a bell?...DUNG!
"
3229,"Non-native English speakers, try to literally translate jokes from your own language We might get some weird/funny stuff
"
168337,"This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
"
24559,"It took me a long time to figure out how one could like EDM music. I didn't think Electrical Discharge Machining could even make music.
"
188404,"On a scale of 1 to 'Maxi pad with wings' How self-absorbed are you?
"
24476,"What do you call a fly that literally can't even?
"
90099,"There is nothing wrong with drinking while pregnant... ...my wife drank through all five months of her pregnancy.
"
164240,"What do people and pizza have in common? If they're black, they can't feed a family.
"
93318,"Reddit is like a shiny new penny Its nice to look at but completely worthless
"
88995,"Why do Native Americans make good strippers? No matter where they are, they'll always make it rain when they dance.
"
83353,"I'm not racist... I have a color TV!
"
135681,"As a woman it's annoying when men think they are better drivers When I'm trying to park I don't need you to offer help every 20 minutes
"
67108,"Sardar to his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It's already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.
"
141091,"What does it mean when the Post Office flag is flying at half-staff? They are hiring.
"
199981,"The day I realized my cursing had gotten out of hand. ... was when I dropped the soap in the prison shower and screamed, """"Fuck me right in the ass!""""
"
23604,"What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway
"
59351,"The other night my girlfriend and I had parked in a quiet road for a bit of fun when a policeman caught us. He gave me a ticket for doing 69 in a 30mph zone...
"
225492,"What's the difference between a  general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have the other thinks you have what he treats.
"
158885,"Why did the console peasant cross the road? To render the graphics on the other side
"
174094,"i love when people apologize to me about their rooms being dirty I'm just like lmao u should see my life
"
54871,"Pretty sure the neighbors are impressed with the banging and screaming they heard. Little do they know it was just me chasing a spider.
"
98859,"What do pothead barbarians say when 420 rolls around? 420 raze it!
"
105888,"""""Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?"""" TRUMP: I'll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we're going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
"
210838,"Why can't Ross &amp; Phoebe ever drown? Because David Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow.
"
169275,"Cemetery Which is better: a cemetery or a jewish cemetery? A Jewish one because I only need to dig one hole.
"
153484,"6, that's SIX, people emailed everyone at work with the SAME information which has resulted in 48 replies and now I wanna quit my job.
"
58962,"Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two bytes and no memory
"
221829,"With the amount of people who hide their identity online you'd think this place is rampant with superheroes.
"
193864,"Nothing makes a friendship more awkward than saying """"Cute doggie"""" and realizing it's their kid
"
51942,"What do you call a rabbit who lifts weights? A jacked rabbit.
"
67952,"My grandmother hates it when I make spelling errors One might say she's a grandma nazi.
"
129586,"Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
"
229073,"What do you call a Mexican Disney Princess? A Taco Belle.
"
194367,"9/11 jokes are hurtful to me. My dad died that day The best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia. Sniff.
"
109917,"""""PARKOUR!"""" - me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
"
32833,"What do pizzas and parents have in common? If they are black, you've got nothing to eat.
"
91277,"what does an 80 year old woman taste like? depends..
"
229896,"I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
"
225785,"What do you call a girl who stands in the middle of a bowling alley? Elaine
"
184147,"What are the most racist jokes you know? There were 3 car accidents in Mexico 70 people died. What do you call a bunch of black people in a swimming pool? Coco puffs.
"
209253,"The Woods So a guy is walking with a young boy into the woods. Boy """"Hey mister its getting dark out and I'm scared,"""" Man """"How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone.""""
"
1571,"What do you call a twig that won't stop looking in the mirror? A narcissistick.
"
6691,"What has four wheels and flies A Garbage truck
"
73530,"Which lawyers are U2 fans? The pro bono ones
"
126920,"I went to a Pantheist forest yesterday. I tried to read the map, but all it said was, """"You are HERE""""
"
228894,"Did you hear about the gay magician? He disappeared with a poof.
"
83753,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 8 and 9 died in a double homicide and 7 is the **prime** suspect.
"
228238,"It's a sad day today for Eminem fans. Not for any particular reason, just because their lives are generally very sad and meaningless.
"
41092,"How do Jewish mothers prevent wrinkles? Oil of Oy Vey.
"
163888,"I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
"
59022,"What's the difference between a lentil and a chick pea? I won't pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.
"
160135,"A. 34 Q. How many seconds can I watch a BRILLIANT, ADDICTIVE, SMART television show before checking the internet?
"
129543,"Love is a lot like magic, both are fake and there's always some asshole trying to ruin the illusion for you.
"
154935,"*walks into bank* THIS IS A ROBBERY *people drop to the floor* JUST KIDDING, BUT NOW THAT YOU'RE LISTENING *lowers guns* A TOMATO IS A FRUIT
"
207356,"Walk into the club like whatup OWW Walk into the mace like what DAMN Walk into the sword like wha *dies* *flunks gladiator school*
"
165876,"There are only 10 types of people in this world... (probable repost) the ones who understand binary code and he ones who don't
"
223562,"What do you call the money a prostitute makes? Incum
"
13916,"folks nowadays love Buzzfeed lists. well guess what kids, I've got a """"Top 10 list"""" for u thats total #WIN. it's called the 10 Commandments
"
5512,"How much lube does the Hamburglar need to fuck his kinky girlfriend? About a quart to pound her with cheese.
"
186294,"Maid of Honor speeches shouldn't end with, """"I'll see you all at her next one."""" I know that now.
"
105054,"Depression: A period during which we have to get along without the things our grandparents never dreamed of.
"
56098,"How does a man who cannot curse kill someone? He buttbuttinates them...
"
145508,"[On The Cross] Jesus:""""Father, forgive them, fore they know no-"""" Voice from the crowd:""""DO THE WINE TRICK""""
"
18484,"Someone tried to tell me a joke in real life and it went on and on and on for like 3 sentences.
"
10653,"Ford should create an 8-cylinder Fusion model It would be a V8 Fusion
"
107500,"I just heard that there's going to be a Minecraft movie... ...it's gonna be a blockbuster.
"
37850,"What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as he hits your car windshield on the highway? His ass.
"
102194,"what did the grape say when it got stepped on? nothing, it just let out a little whine
"
57363,"What's the difference between a blimp and a blow job every day? One's a Goodyear, the other's a fucking awesome year!
"
77783,"Did you know that Rick Astley will give you any movie from his collection Except one, he is Never Gonna Give You UP
"
214602,"What do burgers think when they are  surrounded by gherkins? They think they are in a pickle.
"
174825,"Why does Kim Jong Un so quick to anger? He's been holding in his shit for years
"
6028,"Why is F-time so much fun? Because F-time is Part-E time.
"
4656,"[Last Supper] Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body *holds up wine* This is my blood And this is Sparta! *kicks Judas into a pit*
"
65272,"My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world's biggest loser, he'd still only win 2nd place.
"
228083,"I'd like to die in my sleep like my grandpa Comfortably, unlike the rest of the people in his car
"
75574,"I'm not fat. I'm famine proof.
"
225470,"Dont lie about your job, just word it better. Ex: """"I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp"""" vs """"I cashier at KFC""""
"
209209,"Occasionally I like to stroll into a bank, pull a gun, shout """"Everybody be cool!"""" and then hand out sunglasses and leather jackets.
"
155349,"what do you call a black priest? HOLY SHIT!
"
90493,"ABC just proved that's it's true what they say about black guys... They really are the best at basketball!
"
217259,"[eulogy] """"Before we get started I'd like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased's 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones""""
"
122728,"I don't like referencing not et al.
"
227438,"An elderly woman at an ATM asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over. Yep, she needs a walker
"
121951,"What has antlers and sucks blood ? A moose-quito !
"
23743,"A crowd of theater fanatics walk into a bar. They go to the bartender and say, """"One round please."""" """"A round of what?"""" The bartender asks. """"A round of *applause*!"""" They all scream in unison.
"
212570,"Why is santa's sack so big? He only comes once a year...
"
124857,"knock knock jokes!!!!!!!!!!!! knock knock who's there? hugh hugh who? huch need to listen to me!
"
187398,"How do you make a snooker table laugh? Tickle its balls.
"
127802,"If we are going lose the Washington Redskins, are we getting rid of the Scalpers too?
"
141217,"ME: I'm not voting for anyone CLINTON: that's a vote for Trump! TRUMP: that's a vote for Clinton! ME: looks like I'm voting twice then
"
166001,"I created an Erectile Dysfunction support group once, But it flopped, Nobody came
"
171530,"Why was the cancer doctor so tired? He was always oncol
"
16957,"soda commercials take place in a parallel universe where everyone on earth is straight edge
"
153135,"Why doesn't Mike Tyson play the Playstation? Because he's an Xboxer.
"
59601,"The neighbours dog has jumped up into my garden so much that he's totally destroyed the fence. Figured here's the best place to get it fixed as everyone is a certified reposter.
"
88296,"What is Putin's favorite Justin Timberlake song? Crimea River...
"
175807,"Trump and Clinton both die in a plane crash. Who survives? America
"
59477,"How much does a hipster weigh? ....An instagram.
"
154680,"Whats the best thing about dating Nicki Minaj? She won't fall in the toilet if you leave the seat up.
"
198826,"The only reason I ever get any women is because of who I am A rapist.
"
193442,"What do you call a dead IS fighter WAS fighter.
"
163481,"[interview] """"what's you're biggest weakness?"""" *whispers* """"sorry i couldn-"""" I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
"
15688,"What happened when the communists took over the airport? The planes kept Stalin.
"
167298,"The best part of a handshake is the knuckles. I dunno why, but the blender just brings out their richness and flavour
"
120785,"I opened the door and said """"Honey, I'm home..."""", she didn't reply She just stood still in the glass jar.
"
37743,"He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can't think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
"
170455,"My girlfriend just dumped me because I she says I talk too much about video games... ...It's a horribl**e** thing to Fallout 4.
"
6021,"What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1
"
92241,"He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good... Sounds like Santa's had Facebook way before us.
"
11547,"What's the difference between black people and cancer? The cancer evolves.
"
99277,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Alba ! Alba ! Alba in the kitchen if you need me !
"
154861,"ants what has 2 legs, and eats ants? Uncles
"
118671,"Two go through a tunnel, says the third to the fourth: """" I think we're five"""". Says the sixth: """"I don't get it"""".
"
146355,"[Favorite joke from Letterman] What goes into thirteen twice? Roman Polanski.
"
36873,"Why did the monster go into hospital? To have his ghoul-stones removed.
"
51977,"What do you call it when batman skips church? Christian Bail
"
81223,"how come paul simon gets all the first names and art garfunkel just gets random words
"
139970,"Is BB hungry? No, BB-8.
"
218213,"Autocorrect is like my girlfriend. It always changes what I said to something I didn't mean.
"
58753,"Someone should make a joke about music... I've never seen it done on a major scale.
"
90765,"Red, White, and Blue are the colors of Freedom... ... Until they're flashing behind your car.
"
167128,"I was walking down the street when I saw my mother in law getting beaten up by 7 people... Someone said """"shouldn't you help?"""" and I replied """"nah, 7 should be enough.""""
"
54143,"[front of card] No one will find your body [open card] as attractive as I do [back of card] lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
"
226778,"What is a ninjas favorite drink? Wataa and fruit punch! I'll see myself out.
"
202635,"What do you call cheese that isn't yours...? Not *your* cheese!
"
158128,"My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
"
96181,"Happy Easter!... Sorry it's a bit early, I suffer from premature congratulation.
"
170736,"Damn girl are you a cornfield? Because I'm stalking you.
"
111559,"WIFE: omg Will Smith's son, Jaden, is dead ME: where'd you see that? W: Facebook M: I'm pretty sure that's a hoax W: no Facebook is real
"
198153,"Mexicans are so good at basketball It's in there blood. They can Run, Jump, Shoot and steal.
"
10293,"What do you call an overpriced and overhyped game? No Man's Sky.
"
7362,"Where does a dog go when he loses his tail? A retail store.
"
1700,"What did one snowman say to the other snowman? """"Do you smell a carrot?""""
"
175404,"I think we all need something positive after the recent election Which is why I'm sharing my HIV status with all of you.
"
224594,"I'm so sad because my friend is moving to Shanghai. More like Shang-bye.
"
127176,"Told her I'd rather eat laundry than fold it and now I'm having boxers for breakfast.
"
14240,"What do you call a dictionary that smokes weed? High definition
"
218278,"Where is Waldo? How do you find a blind man at an orgy? It's not hard.
"
154725,"I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
"
44997,"How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? You tape a loaf of bread to the ceiling
"
216772,"Why did the villagers hate Frankenstein? Because he was a Jew.
"
16518,"I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
"
133700,"A father walks in on his daughter masturbating with a carrot and shouts for fuck sake i was going to eat that later now it's going to taste of carrot!
"
181873,"I was walking downtown and saw a sign with a pig and a dog. It said """"why love one and eat the other?"""" I thought to myself """"they have a point. I should start eating dogs.""""
"
167344,"When theres a rack of lamb, there is not a lack of ram.
"
77587,"Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money's worth... Just saying.
"
124082,"*puts Fitbit on Roomba *eats crackers with no plate or napkin
"
20018,"Yo mama so fat She couldn't fit in this joke.
"
103166,"A guy is out to dinner with his wife... Wife: See that drunk guy at the bar? Guy: Yeah, what about him? Wife: He proposed to me 10 years ago, but I turned him down. Guy: Wow! He's STILL celebrating!
"
179881,"harassing a man at a urinal, claiming i copyrighted piss
"
103453,"When I'm backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ
"
103116,"My dad hasn't uncrossed his arms since I was born.
"
112752,"[REQUEST]: Looking for Altitude Competition Flying Joke Looking for the old joke about several pilots bragging about their flight altitudes (?), and then the last one one-upping them all.
"
54636,"Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
"
121732,"I found some dressing in my fridge that expires on 12-21-2012.... It's called Mayanaisse....
"
74794,"Number Bullying 1 was making fun of 0 for being fat and how he equates to nothing. This continued for several weeks until 0 had enough. He grabs 1 by his throat and shouts """"Stop boolean me!"""".
"
205,"What do you call it when a jugaloo sleeps with his girlfriend after a fight? Make up sex.
"
56815,"What do you call Winnie the Pooh's Grandmother? Poonanny
"
116465,"Did you here about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months.
"
67880,"I used to think the brain was the most important organ... Then I thought, look what's telling me that
"
149018,"How can you tell if a woman's had an orgasm? Who cares?
"
11927,"I like my men like I like my coffee... Nowhere near my vagina. A little lesbian humor....I'm not gay I just couldn't resist....too good :)
"
70585,"What do you get when you cross a mountain and a desert? Very tired feet.
"
179050,"Donald Trump is one of those people you would never let be the banker in a Monopoly game
"
112260,"I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
"
50859,"Happy penis to Sigmund Freud. What? No, I'm pretty sure I said """"birthday.""""
"
187801,"Why do only 9/10 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste? The last dentist is busy killing a lion
"
14993,"A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad. He will be missed.
"
175429,"What happens when everyone in the country takes a pee at the same time? Urine-nation!
"
150219,"Why was 9 afraid of 7? Because 6, 7 8.
"
98072,"What's the difference between the Panama Canal and Nancy Pelosi?? ... ... .... One is a busy ditch.
"
116322,"Just got the new Windows... ... such a pane
"
52902,"Whats long and hard and has cum in it? a cucumber
"
39253,"when i die i want my kids to carry my casket. So they can let me down one more time.
"
98815,"Two Irish guys walk out of a bar.
"
79322,"I often fill my water guns with urine and fire them at tightrope walkers. Pisses them right off
"
156143,"Who wins between a black guy and a fencing champion? Black guy, because nword is mightier than sword.
"
172696,"I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
"
105561,"If history is written by the victors Then who wrote the history of France ?
"
183874,"Why did the blonde have an Abortion? She wasn't convinced the baby was hers.
"
170658,"What's a good thing and a bad thing at the same time.... seeing your mother in-law back off a cliff in your new car
"
40120,"[at wedding] """"I now pronounce you husband and wife."""" Couple kisses *yelling from the back row """"AWKWAAAARD""""
"
178399,"When I grow up... Growing up I wanted to be a gynecologist. I could almost taste it.
"
82512,"What do you say to your girlfriend with two black eyes? Nothing. You already told her twice.
"
221804,"What do womens' breasts &amp; toy trains have in common? There're intended for children, but it's the fathers that wind up playing with them.
"
172326,"If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could've probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.
"
181523,"My brother wants to tell our parents he's gay & I'm helping by singing """"The Son'll Come Out, Tomorrow"""" whenever we're together.
"
14683,"Have you heard of airplane skirts? They're so short, you can see the cockpit.
"
214853,"It's like 10,000 goons When all you need Is a knight
"
191495,"Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
"
75288,"What is the most well-known joke of Heni Patel, the famous comedian from the sub-continent? """"Take my wife ... if you would be so kind!""""
"
11152,"Why did the palm tree win the plant race? It was the first to Sago.
"
101480,"What do you call a caffeinated beverage that lasts forever? Infini-tea.
"
94511,"What is a skeleton's favorite instrument? a trom-bone.
"
225578,"My wife wanted me to go shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn't have sex.
"
205148,"Why do they want to change the faces on dollars but not on coins? Because the only constant is change.
"
92351,"My family tried an """"Unplugged Evening"""", and that's how we accidentally killed Nana
"
39279,"When you're single nobody likes you... when you're in a relationship everybody likes you.
"
87249,"So I heard you just saw a play at Ford Theater, how was it? It was Mind-Blowing
"
14789,"I saw a woman with 12 breasts Sounds amazing, dozen tit?
"
156587,"I can prove to you that electronics are powered by smoke... by the irrefutable fact that they stop working when the smoke leaks out!
"
229036,"What do you do when ISIS attacks? Make a mad Daesh to a shelter
"
171257,"What did the black man get for his son on christmas? Your bike.
"
108481,"Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He is all right now.
"
118573,"My girlfriend has been waiting for me to finish my book about old clocks for ages. When I finally gave it to her, all she said was """"It's about time!?""""
"
20361,"How do you separate the Greek boys from the Greek men at a Greek BBQ? With a Crowbar!!!!!
"
228842,"Never trust trees. They're shady.
"
68268,"What do Iraqi men do that gets them laid on the first date? They give their women awesome Dinar.
"
105358,"'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.
"
156018,"How is liver like anal sex? If your parents force it on you too much as a child you won't like it as an adult.
"
149634,"What do you call a vampire who owns a restaurant? Count Spatula
"
179916,"What did one ghost say to another ghost? """"Do you believe in people?""""
"
159228,"What did Adam say to Eve? Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets.
"
57489,"The quickest way to immigrate to America... Is on a one way ticket to Mexico.
"
70607,"It's funny how you can tell when someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you.
"
180683,"What do you call a quadriplegic in the ocean? Bob...
"
142467,"Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you're in an argument, you'll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
"
76086,"I wonder which woman said..... """"yep I'm gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.""""
"
166807,"I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow.
"
140629,"I'm not a racist! Racism is a crime. *...and...* Only Black people commit crimes.
"
51998,"What do you call a sassy criminal walking down the stairs? A condescending con descending.
"
102717,"Common synonyms of unemployed. Writer, blogger, and activist.
"
108216,"How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? There's really no sure way to know.
"
118979,"Pretty sure 40% of Americans would vote for a giant finger that just pointed at people and said """"Their Fault.""""
"
43270,"A cattle rancher thought he had 196 cows... ...but when he rounded them up, he had 200.
"
86488,"How does Moses make tea? Hewbrews it.
"
68439,"My wife wants to meet new people &amp; have fun, so she made me join a Bridge Club.... ...I jump off next Tuesday
"
227422,"Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming? Nuclear winter
"
101054,"What do you call a party with 7 girls &amp; 70 midgets? 10 books of Snow Whites
"
173286,"GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
"
147126,"Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.
"
50909,"What do you call a girl with no legs? Disabled.
"
132795,"Nepal: """"just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag"""" All the other countries have rectangles """"TWO TRIANGLES"""" Alright ok fine
"
98391,"How come no one tries to blow up the Pope? I thought he was inflatable.
"
76522,"Your date leans in and whispers """"I'm not wearing panties."""" You shiver. She continues: """"I pooped a little and had to throw them away.""""
"
14405,"How's your homophone needlepoint project coming along? Sew sew
"
143793,"How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
"
31845,"What's the difference between an attorney and a herd of buffalo? The attorney charges more.
"
165735,"If you teach a Pokemon substitute.. Does that mean you're a substitute teacher?
"
204032,"Q: How do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training? A: Studying their Miranda Rights.
"
178451,"How did Popeye keep his tool clean? NSFW He dipped it in Olive Oyl
"
193374,"What's green, white, and orange and only appears once a year? Irish pride
"
230064,"His many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh? ............ Ten Tickles........
"
173714,"Hubs: """" Few glasses of wine tonight hun""""? Me: """" Yeah, I had a glass of red"""" Hubs : """" Just one eh"""" Me: """" Well I use the same glass""""
"
185023,"Cop - Have you been drinking? Me - No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here. Cop - Sir that's a fire hydrant.
"
149905,"I came across the most beautiful girl i've ever seen today at the supermarket.. She wasn't the least bit happy, even after I offered to clean it all up and buy her a new top..
"
181229,"What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? """"Han So-High""""
"
25789,"Did you hear that Bjork covered a Lady Gaga song? It's called """"Bjorn This Way"""".
"
134899,"I've got a new ringtone. This anal bleaching is rather good.
"
223085,"Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.
"
219943,"Texts friend: sorry, I'm running late. Friend: no problem, let me know when you're on your way. [ 6 weeks later] Ok I've left.
"
127525,"My grandad fought in the war, he was posted to germany. He was Missing In Action for weeks, because the army couldn't afford recorded post.
"
158876,"If you ever trip in public... ...get up, laugh a little, and say, """"Whoops, it's been awhile since I inhabited a body.""""
"
150164,"There's no better feeling than not giving a fuck.
"
177460,"At what age did Hitler's uncle try to molest him at? When he was nein.
"
93590,"What does Michael Jackson do when he gets kids to the top of the Empire State building? Tosses them off.
"
87307,"GIRL NEARBY: I'm breaking up with you, Kevin. You don't talk about Pokemon enough. [I sit up straight and frantically try smoothing my hair]
"
32001,"What do you call it when a blonde dyes their hair brown Artificial Intelligence
"
105567,"What do you call conjoined twins with the same name? Sharron.
"
93697,"The main thing I want this holiday season is for someone to wake me when it's over.
"
206521,"A message from a Canadian to all Americans out there.. I'm sorry
"
222643,"Girls are like blackjack... I'm trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.
"
213548,"Wanna hear a rape joke? No? That's what she said.
"
48271,"Why did the man throw his watch out the window? He wanted to see time fly!
"
73796,"""""Blow on this."""" Hot food.
"
21718,"What's so unfunny that it's funny? An anti-joke.
"
64499,"A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
"
30921,"What do you call a row of rabbits walking backwards? A receding hairline!
"
44321,"Would a lion cheat on his wife? No, but a tiger wood.
"
128916,"If ball is life, where is the afterlife? Ballhalla
"
168606,"Why are atheists poor? because its a non-prophet organisation.
"
144663,"I bet a lesbian geneticist would do a lot of lab work for a clone dike bar.
"
219755,"Why would anyone come on Twitter JUST to argue? Don't you have an ex, or a spouse, or a family member that you can argue with?
"
43203,"I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year-old.
"
23833,"Where does steel wool come from? Hydraulic rams.
"
93370,"What's the hardest part of a vegetable? His wheelchair
"
157550,"What do you call a Mathematician who is an outlaw and a liar? an outlier downvote brigade can start now
"
34798,"I met a guy the other day with a glass eye. He didn't tell me, it just came out in the conversation
"
26354,"Statistically, 1 in 5 of The Jackson's are Randy.
"
123526,"Why do Scots fuck sheep at the edge of a cliff? Because they push back harder.
"
143392,"My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
"
95216,"What did the apple say to the apple pie? """"You've got some crust.""""
"
53073,"I can't wait for my girlfriend to get up and swap tampons. Let's see what she thinks of the party popper I've put inside her.
"
228350,"Every year I got an accident by passing the road on 1st April Cause, I thought that Traffic signal try to make me April fool.
"
86410,"A leper man has sex with a hooker. Keep the tip, he says afterwards.
"
32642,"Hitler decides to hire a weather forecaster [Hitler] what's the weather looking like today? [Forecaster] Hail, Hitler!
"
199754,"How do you piss of female archaeologists? Hand them a used tampon and ask what period it's from.
"
198708,"Clown 2: Sorry man. You got outvoted by us, 42-1. We want to listen to ICP Clown 1: My VW Bug. I'm driving the carpool. It's Streisand.
"
205341,"Why is the dyslexic afraid of Christmas? Because that's when Satan comes.
"
12798,"What's long, hard, goes in a vagina, out of a vagina, and leaves a whore feeling good about herself? An abortion hook.
"
132866,"Sex is so much more with a big penis . . . With a small penis, you're barely scratching the cervix.
"
226203,"Why didn't the girl cross the street? She didn't have the balls
"
122515,"SCORE! Some girl on my friends list asked me to meet her for drinks tonight! All I need to do is hit the ATM and lose 70 lbs by 8 O'Clock.
"
36965,"My girlfriend keeps complaining that nothing in this sub is funny She'll NEVER see this line because she doesn't open them.
"
79326,"A cop stops a drunk man and asks: How high are you? The man replies: This is wrong english, you should say 'Hi, How are You?'
"
38465,"A man walks into a bar Ouch.
"
112746,"Why did the snowman call his dog Frost ? Because frost bites ! 
"
69525,"A Russian went for an eye check up. The doctor showed him some letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY """"Can you read this?"""" The Russian responds, """"Read? I even know this guy. He's my cousin.""""
"
100171,"[Creation] God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place! Angel: Maybe they'll evolve? G: *throws a rock* A: Sick shot! G: Next time, apes
"
77165,"once a woman in the mall said """"isn't everything cuter with babies?!"""" and jeff replied """"not coffins"""" and just stared at her until she cried
"
33004,"I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures. But unfortunately I'm now banned until I bring them back.
"
108640,"why don't women wear watches? there's a perfectly good one on the stove
"
152031,"What's the worst type of vegetable to bring on a boat? Grandpa. :(
"
168248,"Hypochondria? I think I have that!
"
148638,"Jesus wrote a play about a tornado. It was an Act of God.
"
103394,"Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9 men.
"
192878,"Just got back from the Czech Republic... ...it was Prague-ably the best trip of my life
"
86092,"Statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile Not me though, I just live next door to a 10 year old with a hot piece of ass
"
75558,"A guy comes into a bar. No, wait... it was a horse. So, a guy comes into a horse.
"
116936,"What is a capitalist's favorite fetish? Vore, because it's all about consumption
"
41182,"What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
"
108065,"Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5? Because he knows how to reduce fractions.
"
14884,"A Mexican magician says he's going to make himself disappear on the count of three.. He says, uno.. Dos.. And then he vanished without a tres!
"
101349,"Dildos are like Pokemon cards... No matter how good your collection, it isn't worth anything if you got them sticky.
"
155100,"What does a fencing Redditor always do with their jokes? Ripostes them
"
77459,"A man walks into a bar.... the bar is then raised to prevent anyone else from walking into it.
"
19081,"M: Come to bed... Her: I have a headache M: You're a robot! H: M: H: ...SELF DESTRUCT [BOOM] M: Nice try but you're still under warranty!
"
214831,"I have a big butt and I can not lie.
"
125552,"What do you call a person who supports abortion yet believes it's murder? A psychopath.
"
38619,"A man walks into the bar... The bartender: """"Hi Dave!"""" The boss faints.
"
188485,"If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
"
193966,"What is the difference between Pokemon Go and Tinder? On one app you search your area and find strange creatures, on the other you only find pokemon.
"
224598,"Why are there so many grammar Nazis on the internet? Because English majors have no jobs.
"
37812,"What do you call someone who masturbates on a plane? A highjacker
"
63446,"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
"
16599,"What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood? The spaghetto.
"
222944,"There are 3 types of people in this world... Those who can count, and those who can't.
"
134197,"Why didn't the paraplegic look in the mirror? He couldn't stand to see himself like that.
"
16031,"A guy wire is holding a pole... ...the pole is 10 meters tall, the wire makes a 48^o angle from the ground and the very tip is 7 meters from the pole. How long until the feminists arrive?
"
193491,"I only enter names and numbers into my contacts so I can see who I'm ignoring when they call.
"
136337,"What's the difference between a black guy and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family of four.
"
85868,"I quit my job as CEO at the pc fan factory They needed a cooler master
"
97344,"I've been teaching myself giutar I still get the U and I mixed up sometimes but I'm getting pretty good..
"
206173,"What's a reporter's favorite food? Ice cream because they always want a scoop!
"
65562,"""""If you could be anyone, living or dead, who..."""" Me - """"dead""""
"
224375,"Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
"
126623,"My little girl loves helping me when I'm doing the cooking, because I always let her lick the spoon. The sooner she's old enough to buy her own heroin, the better.
"
182846,"How many NYPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room for being black.
"
87086,"What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn't have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.
"
165400,"When does a person decide to become an  accountant? When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
"
78494,"I like it soft and warm. Uh huh. Yea girl, go ahead and throw that figgy pudding in the microwave for a bit.
"
64322,"How does grandma's chairlift work? It has to do with nanatechnology.
"
15769,"An ex girlfriend is like a box of chocolates... ...they'll both kill your dog
"
36010,"What do you get when you cross a duck and a pig? A media circus that focuses on the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
"
207170,"What do you call a midget with a yeast infection? A quarter pounder with cheese.
"
11153,"The last person who bought golden oreos at my Neighborhood's Walgreens and realized there was an entire row missing. I'm so sorry..
"
40231,"He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I'll ask again when he wakes up.
"
47420,"How does a streetwalker sing and give bj-s at the same time? She takes off her glass eye
"
126705,"A man walked into a bar... I ducked.
"
52303,"What is better to be taken, than to be given? A shit
"
81441,"Why did the golfer wear two pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
"
102801,"Why did the midget cross the road? Because he was getting chased by two assholes still drunk from St. Patrick's Day.
"
51302,"My Version Of Flirting! My version of flirting is looking at someone I find attractive and hoping they're braver than I am.
"
132079,"All this time I wondered why birds were out to get me. Turns out I just had a chip on my shoulder. #blood
"
143611,"What's the difference in jelly and jam? I can't jelly my dick down your throat!
"
22435,"If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
"
219980,"I was chatting with a black guy about having coffee... Playfully, he asked me, """"how's your hot chocolate?"""" """"I should ask you,"""" I replied.
"
143743,"What is a Mexican with a rubber toe called Roberto
"
123416,"Was late to my first Fight Club last night So missed the intro rules. Still Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
"
162926,"Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
"
212930,"If the person next to you on a flight wont stop talking, take out a Skymall catalog & eat the entire thing while never breaking eye contact.
"
102608,"He always finds himself lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
"
68183,"What do you call a gay man milking a cow? A Dairy Queen.
"
141094,"""""Hey Russell, You Want to Win Another Super Bowl?"""" Wilson: """"Nah, I'll pass."""" Just saw this on Facebook.
"
181801,"If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe's poker table you're too mature for me.
"
198401,"what would you call superman if he was deaf and mexican? No hero
"
97028,"A cowboy goes to the barber. When the barber is done cutting his hair, the cowboy goes back outside. And guess what? Pony gone.
"
226026,"What would I be if I were twice myself? a meme.
"
152241,"Where does the president keep his armies? In his sleevies
"
126155,"Why do black people have white hands? Because everyone has a little good in them
"
12548,"How to ruin a movie with one word... **Batman Begins** College **The Longest Yard** Sale **Charlotte's Web** Cam Add your own in the comments!
"
126317,"The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
"
154649,"Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree. After all, there's only so many problems which can be answered with cos and tan.
"
102873,"Rest of world: don't do anything crazy plz UK: fk u we used to own u watch this *does backflip *money falls out of pockets *cracks head open
"
204609,"Men, if you're wondering what it's like to be a woman, just imagine a world where making sense is optional. Also, boobs whenever you want.
"
141686,"Did you hear about the narcissist who called himself Jesus Christ? He used the Lord's name in vain.
"
93060,"Why was a physicist unable to do the double slit experiment? His wife didn't want a threesome.
"
51499,"What Do You Call A Fight Between An Illegal Immigrant And A Child Molester? Alien vs. Predator
"
70591,"A man went to his doctor... Man: When i press here it hurts, when i press a little bit higher up it hurts and if i press on my leg it also hurts. Doctor: Looks like you broke your index finger.
"
99944,"Why is America bad at the game Chess? Because they don't know how to defend their towers.
"
175691,"How does a backwards poet write? Inverse
"
152216,"LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
"
62366,"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb should be willing to change.
"
127905,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, feminists can't change anything.
"
188219,"I love self-deprecating jokes. Too bad I suck at them.
"
49512,"What does Jeb Bush say on the toilet? Please crap
"
156610,"Did you know that Diarrhea can kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.
"
122100,"Four gay guys walk into a bar... To see only one stool was open. """"Ah not a problem!"""" The bartender said as he flipped the stool upside down.
"
85417,"Changed ex's name in my cell to Do Not Engage. Unfortunately, his middle name Not doesn't show up when he texts.
"
95688,"Have you ever looked at someone and knew the wheel was turning but the hamster was dead?!!!
"
218877,"My doctor said he needed a stool sample from me. The timing was perfect. I was about to go to Ikea anyway
"
117629,"How do you exorcise a demon? Make him run a lap then do 10 push-ups and sit-ups
"
207325,"Will Smith: """"Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me"""" My Dad: """"Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve""""
"
71348,"Did you hear about the emotional wedding? Even the cake was in tiers!
"
81447,"""""I sit on my ass looking at the web all day.""""  a spider
"
2295,"Why do rabbits love beer? Because it's made of hops.
"
214490,"After I painted my computer black... Strawpoll would only work 3-5ths of the time
"
92671,"It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
"
226017,"I like coffee like I like slaves. Free
"
75739,"I'm not homophobic, I love my house!
"
114023,"Third grade Why did the blonde have the biggest boobs in the third grade? She was 23.
"
73983,"Life is like a box of chocolates... it doesn't last long if you're fat.
"
167871,"What's Rihanna's favorite type of apple? She doesn't have one. She'll eat anyone that's bruised!
"
37083,"Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
"
127056,"What does r/jokes have in common with Amy Schumer Most of these joke aren't original.
"
184383,"On my cakeday... ... -1 2^3   and it was delicious!
"
115564,"What do you call something that is half horse and half pig? A mounted police officer
"
54841,"My phone froze while looking at porn at work. The 4k quality is just too much of a load.
"
47552,"*leans into microphone* My question is for Salt-N-Pepa. """"Hi"""" """"Hey"""" Hi.""""Push It"""" is about takin a dump, right? """"No"""" """"Nope"""" *hands friend $5*
"
85677,"My friend Gerund is from Ingland.
"
108864,"Did you here about the gay midget? He finally came out of the cabinet
"
1980,"What's the difference between a boy scout and a Jew? One gets a badge for lighting stuff on fire, while the other gets a badge for being lit on fire.
"
40084,"Do steam rollers really roll  steam?
"
198966,"If ISIS were a Pokemon, which would they be? Voltorb; they're always using self destruct
"
20469,"What do people call Miley Cyrus in Europe? Kilometery Cyrus
"
103759,"What's the difference between a garbanzo pea and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo pea on my face.
"
6527,"What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer? 13 blackberries and 5 apples
"
109014,"Life is lot like a Pe*nis! Simple, soft, Straight, hanging Freely then a woman make it hard......
"
199049,"The teacher asked Tom to make a sentence using """"frequent"""". Tom: foxes frequent the nearby forest. The teacher asked: did you copy this from a dictionary? Tom: no. In the dictionary, it is wolves.
"
215501,"A blind man Walks into a bar A table and a chair
"
149005,"You know what my favorite type of cupholder is? A bra.
"
12759,"A U2 album so shitty, even Android won't give it out for free.
"
4494,"I hate it when auto-correct changes my """"omg"""" to """"OMG"""" like, chill out, I'm not that surprised.
"
35215,"Mail! Female!
"
13019,"How do you fit four gay guys on a bar stool? Get a really big bar stool.
"
1827,"Can you really take sticks and twigs and make them into clothing? Sew it wood seam
"
188570,"What's the difference between Yogurt and L.A.? Yogurt has a live and thriving culture.
"
19806,"There is a mathematical theory for good sex The heat of the meat is directly proportional to angle of the dangle given that the mass of the ass is constant.
"
225199,"What did the redneck girl say to her father? Get off of me dad, you're crushing my Pall Malls!
"
33456,"What's an Irish Seven Course Dinner? A boiled potato and a six-pack of Guinness Stout.
"
62246,"My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
"
91914,"Have you heard about the elevator conspiracy? Hundreds of people are saying they got stuck between floors. But I don't believe them. I think they made it up.
"
191907,"Don't you hate it when an egg gets stuck in your throat? Luckily, the discomfort is always over easy.
"
34861,"Why do melons insist on having big weddings? Because they just cantaloupe.
"
150750,"Two guys are walking and one walks into a bar... The other one ducks
"
118695,"To the handicapped guy who stole my bag: You can hide but you can't run.
"
122952,"Chuck Norris blood type is.. AK-47
"
224728,"""""If you have a ministry like Jesus it will probably be made up of about 12 people who don't get your illustrations, & 1 wants to kill you.""""
"
68857,"Doctor Am I pregnant? A lady goes to a doctor to find out if she is pregnant Doc: Hmm, Looks like your Preganant... Girl: Am I? Doc: No it just looks like you are
"
102476,"*puts on layers of running gear* *makes a ponytail* *laces up sneakers* *drives to McDonalds*
"
73467,"Mr. Jones, did you or did you not have an affair with the victim, Diana? """"No!"""" Oh really. And what's your first name? """"Indiana"""" [jury gasps]
"
102181,"I like my women how i like my Little Ceasars Pizza... Hot and Ready for only $5.
"
182608,"The only thing sadder than doing nothing with our lives, is spending our time watching others do the same. #RealityTV
"
147779,"What's the best way to make a bull sweat ?  Put him in a tight jumper !
"
226621,"Do you know how long it's been since I've had an erection? About 8 inches.
"
203454,"I love engaging with brands on the Internet!
"
143810,"""""What's wrong with our country?"""" OBAMA! """"Who are we going to reelect in 2012?"""" OBAMA!
"
14953,"What do you call a bitchy midget who can get to places quickly? A shortcunt.
"
80764,"Do you know why they call Venice the city of romance? You can't spell canal without anal.....
"
202944,"What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods? I'm not doing that again for two bucks.
"
210355,"What did the sociopathic cannibal parachutist say? As soon as the people carrying soup cans in the backpacks arrive we can eat.
"
189496,"I came home today to find that all of my lamps had been stolen I was absolutely delighted.
"
170878,"Just back from the market. TIL People also stop using deodorant or soap for Ramadan.
"
77088,"I robbed a bank dressed as a frog the other day It was the first time I Kermit-ed a crime
"
173098,"A man walks into a doctors office... Wearing nothing but plastic shrink wrap. The doctor says """"I can clearly see your nuts.""""
"
87128,"Dear diarrhea, You're a piece of never-ending shit.
"
187860,"What do you call a colorful nipple? Areola Borealis.
"
137014,"Why isn't /u/JokeExplainBot here anymore? There aren't jokes here. There are reposts here.
"
134027,"I'm developing a new dandruff shampoo designed specifically for pubic hair. I'm going to call it Knees and Toes.
"
56553,"An orchestra one-liner I popped off my g-string while fingering a minor
"
83693,"Money can't buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N' Slide. So you do the math.
"
71225,"I could've sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on... Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it
"
107391,"Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower? Because they're the largest re-tail-er
"
195055,"What is 12 inches long and hangs infront of a cunt? Trump's tie
"
192632,"Chuck Norris once sneezed on a woman at the bank and got her pregnant
"
150886,"If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
"
176437,"What's the best angle to approach any challenge? Try-Angle.
"
196349,"Why does Reddit love Ronda Rousey so much? she hits women
"
169528,"Whats the difference between a black person and a pizza. A pizza can feed a family of 4
"
148756,"What's the name of that German Video game with the polite gorilla? Danke Kong
"
195614,"I got this """"breathe"""" tattoo on my wrist because I don't have a central nervous system and it's a helpful reminder.
"
160916,"What did Jesus say to all the black people before he died on the cross? Don't do anything till I come back.
"
12877,"Why didn't the astronauts stay on the moon?  Because it was a full moon and there was no room.
"
99447,"The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.
"
51385,"Well, I wouldn't say the easiest. What's the easiest way to get gum out of your hair? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Cancer
"
83133,"Q: Why is the banana the most popular fruit? A: Because of its appeal.
"
56015,"Husband Wife Funny Wife: """"What are you doing?"""" Husband : Nothing. Wife : """"Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."""" Husband : """"I was looking for the expiration date.""""
"
41544,"After hearing that Diarrhea causes the most deaths... I realized I'm next. Diarrhea's hereditary, and it runs in my genes.
"
82132,"What type of job does T-Rex have? He is small arms dealer
"
141,"My favorite knock knock joke. I need someone to start it ... Someone start the knock knock joke ...
"
210692,"I think people get married just to get Likes' on Facebook.
"
6083,"An apple a day... Keeps the non-binary away
"
194401,"There are 10 kinds of people: Those who can read binary, and those who can not.
"
228126,"What's the biggest Jewish conundrum? Free Bacon!
"
59655,"Your restraining order says """"no"""", but the 1/8"""" gap between your living room curtains says """"yes"""".
"
228830,"What do you call a snake's mother? A boa constructor.
"
73564,"I really like white dwarf stars... ...My favorite is Peter Dinklage.
"
54878,"people: u should smile me: not unless u deposit 2 million dollars in my bank account thanks
"
84251,"If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don't stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
"
211760,"What are the similarities between feminists and hobos? They both ask for change and never get any.
"
136971,"There are 10 types of people in this world... Those that get it and those that don't.
"
207733,"What's a Whistleblower's favorite food? Leeks!
"
153622,"What do Princess Diana and Pink Floyd have in common? The Wall was their last big hit. (ripped off a dark jokes thread a while back)
"
79471,"best thread convo u came across Let em rip guys an gals
"
190699,"hunting for meat is a fun, important life skill. all you have to do is find a smaller animal and bite it until it is dead
"
48911,"[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too [reads workaholic] I work a lot as well [reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
"
92881,"Why did the scarecrow get promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field.
"
169759,"What did the humanistic psychologist say at Freud's funeral? He died at such a Jung age.
"
8548,"I was so happy it only took me seven days to complete this puzzle! The box said it would take 2-4 years.
"
104810,"lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name me: laser guardian
"
218976,"My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
"
29729,"Oscar If you're Leonardo, you must have got it by now.
"
187856,"The weather and a pussy are similar in one regards When it starts to get wet, it is time get inside.
"
216840,"People are always asking me, """"When are you going to learn to drive?"""" I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.
"
7119,"I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
"
115201,"I had an uncle who was a drunk... tried getting him into other hobbies like sculpting but he was always getting plastered.
"
205733,"DOCTOR: You should lose some weight ME: Ok I'll consider it VET: Your dog should lose some weight ME: Hey bud, you're going on a diet!
"
226030,"I love throwing house warming parties But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.
"
25386,"Where do socialist birds lay their eggs? In a communest (pls ^dont ^^be ^^^repost)
"
84305,"He was a poor country boy. She was a rich city girl. They never met, due to geographic distance and rigid socioeconomic stratification.
"
80392,"Two muffins are sitting in an oven The first one says """"Man it sure is hot in here"""" The second one replies """"JESUS RIVERDANCING CHRIST A TALKING MUFFIN!""""
"
213928,"I always wondered why a Frisbee looks like it gets bigger &amp; bigger the closer it comes to you.. and then it hit me.
"
29200,"[Thanksgiving dinner] WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp ME: Those are for tomorrow WIFE: Because...tomorrow is Bla- ME: Black Fry Day
"
217570,"Why do firemen wear red suspenders? To keep their pants up.
"
94546,"Alan Turing was so gay it was illegal
"
219666,"If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer ...oh wait, he does.
"
114278,"I saw a man at the beach yelling """"Help, shark! Help!"""" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
"
117075,"SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you? Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden name?
"
70663,"I hate when her husband comes home early. She says I'm the pool boy. And I spend the next few hours cleaning the pool. This is BULLSH!T!
"
194259,"I'm pretty sober. But I'm prettier drunk.
"
141913,"I copied my Match.com bio from a used car website. - White. - Good condition. - Reliable. - Cheap. - Some evidence of rear end damage.
"
134614,"Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you for a green rabbit.
"
205716,"I wanked over a blind girl yesterday. She never saw me coming.
"
91423,"Relationship status: I ran out of toilet paper a week ago. Update: I am now running out of paper towels.
"
89174,"So I attempt to shoot myself with this gun? Do I whack off during or after? (Kid who grew up on Chatroulette playing Russian Roulette)
"
11357,"The milk in my fridge is so old it thinks Elvis Presley's dancing is inappropriate.
"
53953,"I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal. It's cheese, dude. We'll be here a while.
"
52934,"What's the word that starts with an """"N"""" that no one wants to call a black person? Neighbor.
"
3845,"So Jack helps you off the horse. Will you help Jack off the horse?
"
36984,"So my friends and I were having a debate over Mortal Komabt We concluded Sub-Zero is definitely cooler than Scorpion
"
78667,"(Possible nsfw)Adam was watching Eve.... Masturbate with a fish. God said, great now I'm never gonna get the smell out!
"
97131,"What's 12 inches and white? Nothing.
"
230413,"I saw santa fucking my mom. To get back at him i decided to poison his cookies. Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
"
11585,"I hate when people ask me what I'm see myself doing in 5 years... Its not like I have 2020 vision.
"
57050,"I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said """"Yeah, pump 6.""""
"
215456,"How To Ride An Escalator: -Step 1 -Now Just Chill for a Bit
"
52883,"What did the Mother say to her son when she saw him eating cookies for breakfast? Your Dad and I are getting a divorce.
"
24843,"Q: What are the small bumps around a woman s nipples for? A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.'
"
53845,"My mother and father separated last year and my father recently started seeing someone and it's been very hard for me. There are two major issues I have with his new partner. He's black.
"
81953,"What's pale, lives in darkness and sucks blood? A tampon
"
86341,"If I had a dollar for every girl I fucked ... ... I would be still fucking poor!
"
148153,"Someone stole my coffee. He was charged with mugging.
"
88747,"Where does a psychologist keep his boat? on a Freudian Slip
"
56082,"The completely inane bullshit I read on my phone doesn't deserve the super intense face I make while staring at it.
"
27925,"If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
"
229676,"A 79 year old pirate has his next birthday this morning.... he wakes up and says to his crew, """"AYE-matey!""""
"
216891,"Do you guys remember the joke about Jonestown... Me neither but I heard the punch line killed em'
"
61361,"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? He was outstanding in his field
"
18249,"How to sex: Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button Girl: sure Girl: that's not my belly button Boy: that's not my finger
"
152049,"What did one repost say to another? Well the flag is a big plus! &amp;#3232;_&amp;#3232;
"
70078,"What's the difference between a good joke... and a bad joke timing
"
18582,"Why Donald Trump might win the election but resign on the first day? He finds out he has to move in to a small house in a black neighborhood!
"
67472,"Everyone done keeping calm yet?
"
204894,"Do you want me to write good jokes? Good jokes
"
23785,"""""When no one else will f*ck you, I'm always there.""""  Life
"
196303,"What type of currency do people use in outer space? STARbucks.
"
54060,"God: You'll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30 [Later] Moses: We must wander for 40 years
"
98362,"Stay away from this guy!!!
"
4333,"As it turns out, """"harder"""" is a horrible safe word.
"
53899,"The best joke about clickbait ever
"
181714,"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian.... I'll get my coat...
"
161684,"Overheard @ high school's red &amp; white football game Clueless freshman: """"So, who are we playing?"""" Crowd: """"It's intrasquad!"""" Pregnant pause. Clueless freshman: """"So we're still going to lose!""""
"
95413,"A stampede of homeless people was heading to the local shelter. One might say they were bum rushed.
"
105530,"Rick Astley will give you all of his Disney movies. But he is never gonna give you Up
"
99163,"My friend told me that he never learned to use a bicycle I told him it's not too bad, its like riding a bike
"
184741,"How do you find will smith in a snow storm?? Just look for the fresh prints. BOOOM!
"
99702,"Why are giraffe's necks so long? Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!
"
52060,"A cabbage, a faucet, and a tomato had a race. The cabbage was ahead, thefaucet was running, and the tomato tried to catch up.
"
15978,"The Grim Reaper walks over to you in his Uggs, taps his Michael Kors watch and says, """"you're literally dead.""""
"
167576,"She danced her way into his heart. -She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
"
230953,"A group of prostitutes play WoW. I heard that they call themselves the whore'd.
"
104469,"i am not jesus Jesus can wallk on water..,, correct? Yess! Well,.. I can walk on cucumbers. As you may know, cucumbers are 98% water. So I am 98% Jesus. ;)
"
144515,"2007: OBAMA'S COMIN' FER YER GUNS 2008: comin' 2009: almost 2010: any day 2011: seriously 2012: ok now 2013: i think.. 2014: nope 2015: well
"
101230,"If you were my gf, I'd have a warm bath and a meal ready for when you got home every day Her: I'm your wife Like I said, if you were my gf
"
199188,"you know what people said about paul daniels funeral..... you know what people said about paul daniels funeral """"i liked it but not a lot""""
"
167209,"Why do midgets love playing soccer? The grass tickles their balls.
"
147896,"There's always an Obama in relationships. The one that has to compromise, doesn't really get much credit, and never wins, no matter what.
"
130664,"""""I'm so sorry"""", I go around whispering to people who've just woken up from a coma.
"
85648,"I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn't get enough likes on Instagram.
"
127960,"Grandpa and Kid Jokes Grandpa: kid....see!! Your Teacher is coming... You're better hide..!! You're absent today Kid: Grandpa!!! not me but you!! I told her that """"You Died""""
"
138922,"Internet Explorer is the best browser... to download another browser.
"
133234,"A guy in a public place, phone out, camera on... He approaches a young woman. """"What are you doing, creep?"""" she says. He glances up, smiles, and says """"Calm down. I'm just trying to get a Pikachu.""""
"
146602,"For every action, there is an reaction, and with a reaction there is a suing. ~Fine Bros.
"
55520,"If you own a karate dojo and you don't make your employees answer the phone """"Hiiiiiiiiya"""" You're doing it wrong
"
70253,"Smoking 1: What Cures Smoking 2: Cancer
"
109111,"What is a recently divorced woman's favorite fruit? Mango!
"
161171,"We don't have mistletoe at Christmas so we just kiss under the influence.
"
199245,"What do you call a fake Chinese iPhone? A slanted-iPhone
"
127861,"In colllege what was the difference between pumpkin pie and my girlfriend? I shared the girlfriend.
"
35614,"What's the difference between a male lawyer and a male prostitute? A male prostitute charges $20.
"
116120,"What did the Hammerhead shark say to his buddies when he got laid? Nailed it.
"
48012,"My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was """"practically screaming out at her"""" That's the last time I buy her an orphan
"
43539,"[Batman's parents return after 40 years] Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
"
170268,"Chuck Norris counted to infinity...... Twice.
"
152214,"What does Soylent Green taste like? It varies from person to person.
"
155132,"The kiss is a wordless articulation of desire whose object lies in the future, and somewhat to the south.
"
179272,"DOCTOR: Don't be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam. ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
"
983,"It's green but when you press a button it turns red. A frog in a blender.
"
133892,"What do you call it when you play Nintendo games because you have nothing better to do? Ennwii
"
22261,"""""Kumail. Kumail. K. U. M. No. M. Just write Jason."""" - me right after ordering coffee
"
195619,"My brother volunteered to perform my sons circumcision But I could never force kin to do that.
"
170472,"I sell property based in vietnam after WWII, people tell me i fucked up everyone there in the 60s My name is agent orange
"
47651,"A vintage coin only sells for .02 cents at an auction Needless to say, he felt under appreciated.
"
140694,"What do you call a cow with a missing leg? Lean Beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.
"
146920,"How does Alabama keep alcohol out of high school? Change the drinking age to 25
"
36229,"Fact about apple car It has Windows
"
38201,"Do you guys ever put sheets over your dogs so they look like little dog ghosts? Me neither.
"
188977,"I was sexually assaulted by a ghost. Didn't see it cuming.
"
56599,"Whats the difference between a dead baby and an apple? You dont cum on the apple before you eat it....
"
117425,"Why did the 14 year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
"
126661,"Which part of a birch tree makes it better with autonomic functions than others? Their betula oblongata
"
3273,"Why did the student take Viagra while preparing for his exam? His professor said he should study hard.
"
193033,"*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
"
227935,"Should I buy a new pair of sunglasses or just leave $60 in a restaurant?
"
4623,"Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work? Well, it worked with the slaves.
"
57381,"What does Snoop Dogg keep in his backyard? His garden hoes.
"
229328,"I call my penis the Trojan horse It looks harmless, but then it gets inside you and completely destroys you.
"
192996,"Native Americans watch the movie 1492 backwards because they want to see a happy ending.
"
23588,"Alcohol activates the """"we need to take pictures now!"""" center of your brain.
"
43041,"Joke title Punchline
"
181313,"CPR refresher class. We're told, """"If they're not breathing, there's no way you can make it worse."""" Woman then trips; kicks dummy's head off.
"
60986,"What do hippies say when you tell them to get off your couch? Namaste
"
21030,"I bought my girlfriend a treadmill and a Victoria's Secret catalogue.
"
89903,"Looking forward to the time when my level of awkwardness becomes socially acceptable.
"
75098,"I used to be into sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia... ... until I realized I was beating a dead horse.
"
44003,"If you were a triangle youd be acute one.
"
7529,"So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine. It's going to be called 'Crimea River'.
"
140030,"How many feminist does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't be silly, feminist can't change anything.
"
180898,"What do you call a social media platform designed for religious people who also have speech impediments? Faithbook
"
107866,"And the Oscar goes to... ...Jail!
"
92023,"Why is Jesus so rich? Because Jesus saves.
"
201511,"So PSY's song """"Dear American"""" includes the lyric """"Kill them all slowly and painfully"""" and now I understand what Gangnam Style was all about.
"
107179,"Two aboriginees, a mother and child, see a plane fly by The child asks, """"mom, are planes good to eat?"""" The mother replies, """"Planes are like lobsters, you only eat what's inside.""""
"
23019,"Mickey: """"Minnie, I'm leaving you."""" Minnie: """"What!? Are you fucking crazy!?"""" Mickey: """"No, I'm fucking Daisy""""
"
32929,"Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn't be arguing...
"
147572,"What did the frog say in the massage parlor? Rubbit.
"
135567,"I went to the doctor because my hearing problem The doctor said 'Can you describe the symptoms?' I said 'Yeah, Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair'
"
28673,"[Snail Court] Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor? Snail Judge: I'm sorry; we don't have that kind of time.
"
7516,"Customer spelling her name: Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra? Her: Z as in Xylophone. And this, kids, is why education is key.
"
40083,"so a polar bear walks into a bar and says: """"i'd like a...................................... beer."""" and the bartender says: """"hey man, what's with the big pause?""""
"
103661,"Tell your kids where hotdogs come from first. They won't ever ask about babies.
"
41652,"With all of this negativity in the media At least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.
"
124389,"In the old days they sacrificed virgins to appease the Gods. They must have realized sacrificing the town slut would have been such a waste.
"
77876,"A Blind Fish What does the blind fish say when it hits a wall? DAM!!!!
"
203271,"What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew? Harry Potter escaped the chamber.
"
9967,"What does a baby smell like in a microwave? Nsfw I don't know I was too busy jerking off.
"
27276,"""""Will.he.was"""" -Will.i.am's tombstone
"
208245,"Why was the hipster wearing a scarf during the summer? He liked wearing scarves before it got cool.
"
178243,"People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
"
145849,"The first rule of cliff hanger club is
"
74066,"When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means 'only married' like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
"
19781,"I hate it when guys use pickup lines like, 'Hey, what's your friend's name?' on me. Worst pickup line ever.
"
25521,"I like to shoot at stop signs, especially those little ones on the side of school buses.
"
96203,"What do you call a blind German? A Nazi
"
29710,"How does the pope refer to his secret superhero identity? It's his altar ego.
"
120102,"My ex is looking for a job but I don't think satan is retiring anytime soon so I suppose she'll be unemployed for a while.
"
171887,"Thoughts on my new mustache. It's growing on me.
"
192426,"What did the river say when coal barges stopped?
"
111321,"Q: How many editors does it take to change a lightbulb? A: It was supposed to be in place last week!
"
138691,"A guy calls his boss and asks """"What's the difference between this morning and your wife?"""" """"I'm not coming in *this morning*""""
"
228263,"What streaming site do eldritch horrors use? Cth-Hulu
"
144536,"What's the difference between a fruit and a vegetable? A fruit doesn't need a wheelchair
"
87885,"She died doing what she loved! Telling me how to drive.
"
5329,"Life is like a penis... Life is like a penis, simple, chilled and free. It's women who make it hard... And kids who make it harder.
"
203048,"Why should you always wear underwear in Ukraine? Otherwise Chernobyl Fallout.
"
71868,"I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
"
195803,"I'm married, but not """"pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor"""" married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston...
"
14998,"Guy in orchestra was charged with manslaughter Police state that he had a history of reckless violins.
"
124138,"How many Hillary supporters does it take to change a light bulb? None. cmon , they'd much rather be kept in the dark.
"
205855,"Why did the couch give the table a dollar? Because it was for chair-ity
"
125893,"I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
"
170818,"I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
"
220175,"Why are there no joke about Jonestown? The punchlines are too long.
"
119300,"Exercise never hurt anyone... ... unless you run marathons. (Braces for downvotes)
"
180612,"Me and be Jealous?... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ... Who is McDonald's and why are you 'lovin it'?
"
100196,"Why did little Susie fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Susie.
"
228069,"Dogs can't operate an Mri machines... But catscan
"
173472,"What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up a girls ass.
"
123766,"Adel and Lionel Richie... Adel and Lionel Ritchie met at the Grammys last weekend. All they said was """"Hello""""
"
52354,"What does a vampire take for a cold?  Coffin syrup!
"
71050,"Good ol' misogynistic joke What do you call a woman with two black eyes? Two good fucking lessons taught.
"
82748,"What's supposed to be funny, but let's you down? This joke...
"
215178,"What's the similarity between communism and a pencil? They both only really work on paper
"
66115,"Show me on this Georgia O'Keeffe painting where the bad man touched you.
"
231011,"How did the blind man pass the eye exam? He just kept walking
"
41363,"Why it is important that you grow mustaches? So that when you lick pussy they absorb the acids and therefore protect your teeth from falling off.
"
185921,"Luke chided Han for blaming Chewbacca when everyone got caught in the tree net on the forest moon of Endor. But let's be honest: it *was* a Wookie mistake.
"
12474,"I found a dead girl on the golf course It was a difficult shot, but I was able to chip it over her head and right up onto the green.
"
33447,"To me, girls are like porta-potties. The hotter they are, the less likely I am to get inside of them.
"
13541,"I looked up """"cock"""" in the dictionary... It says """"the male of the domestic fowl or chicken"""". That's all my black female neighbours ever talk about, they must really love fried chicken.
"
196075,"Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won't be invited Obama: Joe Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
"
106056,"Diarrhea is hereditary It runs in your genes
"
4987,"Nascar Rain I think if NASCAR would quit being sponsored by the movie Noah we wouldn't have so much rain on race day :)
"
72343,"How do you get a fool to read something? Mark it as NSFW
"
159764,"Snack mixes are great because I only want to enjoy 40 percent of what I eat.
"
92462,"What has 4 legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
"
54511,"A man falls over and lands on a globe. He heads to the doctors. The doctor asks what's wrong. """"I've got this spain in my arsehole.""""
"
163265,"[in a bar] Him: Trouble is my middle name. Me: wow... That's a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents. Him: *breaks down crying
"
119616,"It would be wrong to ask a one-eyed person if it really was all fun and games up until that point, right?
"
216495,"If sex was my religion, I'd be an athiest.
"
176166,"If I buy a soccer ball, will you kick it with me?
"
169664,"The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately. Probably because I wear his name tag when he's not there.
"
133301,"How do you say goodbye to a calculus teacher? Calculator!
"
5833,"Figured out how to make my dick 1mm Fold it in half
"
221315,"Is it offensive to refer to Egyptians as """"mummies""""?
"
29896,"Why should you torrent only from French sites? Because it'll run faster.
"
132173,"Why does Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand? So she can moan with the other.
"
198347,"Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
"
58341,"If I had a dollar every time someone called my mother a whore... I'd be the richest client she ever had
"
134863,"what do you call a cow that's recently given birth? Decaffinated
"
145981,"Did you know you can see through Caitlyn Jenner? She is trans-parent.
"
10439,"Why didn't anyone react when the king farted? Because it was a noble gas
"
220553,"*first astronaut lands on Mars* NASA: How does it feel son? Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band
"
172403,"Some asshole has got my pen is what the nurse said when she noticed she had a rectal thermometer in her pocket. edit: punctuation.
"
12794,"Walking past a new employee's desk & yelling, """"Do you think it's a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?"""" will never get old.
"
136084,"What are David Cameron's favorite people to have sex with? Cops
"
175645,"Text response from a confused carcass: I decay.
"
72628,"I love telling your momma jokes she has a terrific sense of humor and a beautiful laugh.
"
15065,"What's the biggest difference between Republicans and Democrats? Republicans sign their checks on the front, and democrats sign on the back.
"
95928,"I'd like to apologize for all of my terrible chemistry jokes. All of the good ones argon.
"
68601,"I'm just saying, if I were a bomb maker, I would make all the wires the same color.
"
37393,"If you got into an accident with Hillary and Trump, who would you rescue? America
"
63612,"Two men have been arrested for stealing a calender.. They both got six months.
"
27942,"Last week, Puerto Rico's Governor said that they couldn't pay their debt. From now on, the Island will be known as Puerto Pobre.
"
208221,"Finally, track and field. Where the men are men and the women are too...
"
103655,"Never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp, she's probably thick and tired of it.
"
189380,"I remember as a child lying in bed and waiting for Santa Claus to come. And how afterwards it would be so silent and awkward as he got dressed to leave.
"
157174,"What do you get when you cross a pig and a spider? Bacon and scrambled leggs.
"
214549,"If Twitter icons have taught me anything it's that the male eye can spot cleavage at incredibly low resolutions.
"
111623,"Do not open is the most annoying clickbait title.
"
122774,"Luckily, children are much easier to keep alive than house plants.
"
39872,"A guy walks into a bar... The patient then exhibited signs of a concussion and a minor subdermal hematoma. Edit: Yes, a version of, """"A guy walks into a bar... and says 'ouch'.""""
"
215601,"There is a new drink at my bar. It's called a Sandy. It's basically a watered down Manhattan.
"
129946,"do you guys have PC & cheese? i'm not really a mac guy
"
130654,"Why did the chip chase the sauce? To ketchup Edit: I'm sorry
"
19153,"""""Full bath?"""" """"Yes sir"""" """"Double beds?"""" """"Yes sir"""" """"Pool?"""" """"Yes sir"""" """"Maid service?"""" """"Yes sir"""" """"WIFI?"""" """"Yes sir"""" """"Kids, I found a campsite!""""
"
157107,"A Russian man makes a remarkable discovery """"What poor people there are in America,"""" a man tells his comrade, """"Their cars don't have hoods, their phones don't have buttons, and their wine is old!""""
"
181605,"What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
"
179625,"My computer crashed a few hours into writing my paper looks like I'm gonna have to write my name and the date again
"
52272,"ClickBait, don't click on it are you serious?
"
64601,"You know pterodactyls' don't make noise right? Even the P is silent.
"
186743,"Why didn't the Terminator upgrade to Windows 10? I asked him and he said, """"I still love Vista baby"""".
"
218805,"Why don't you want to eat pussy in the morning? Have you ever tried to spread a grilled cheese?
"
132087,"My friend drowned. So at his funeral... ...we took a cake shaped like a life raft. After all...It's what he would have wanted.
"
163221,"Q: """"How long were you at your last job?"""" A: """"Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now""""
"
230086,"YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer--I don't have any.
"
178361,"One of Hillary Clinton's personal emails... [deleted]
"
165739,"So a man walks into a bar... And hurts his head.
"
15273,"Did you hear about the girl who was found masturbating while on her period? She was caught red handed
"
191557,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Arnie ! Arnie who ! Arnie having fun ?
"
140080,"Hello mother. Hello father. Here I am at Camp Marijuana. Crack is good, but weed is better, I'm so f*cked up, a friend wrote this letter.
"
81597,"How do you prepare for a party in space? You Planet Thanks u/BostonCentrist
"
139434,"You better watch out... ... 'cause I know Jiu Jitsu, Tae Kwon Do, Kung Fu, and about 12 other Chinese words!
"
220848,"""""What you don't know won't hurt you."""" Oh, yeah good logic. Unless what I """"don't know"""" about is the man waiting for me in the parking lot.
"
175906,"Hey guys whose girlfriends wear those giant t-shirts as nightgowns, one day you'll be married, and that shirt's going to fit her.
"
204162,"Why did the sand scream? Because the sea weed. ha.
"
151640,"The Fortune Teller, came true! I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny - is that spooky or what?
"
89378,"Did you hear about the guy who used 20% of his right not to incriminate himself? He plead the Fifth!
"
80880,"Why is 6 afraid of 7? racial prejudice
"
95536,"Addicted Say """"addicted"""" after everything I say. What is someone who takes drugs? What is someone who drinks? What hit you in the face last night?
"
46297,"What's that one song that's like """"duh duh duhduh duh"""" and they sing about girls and clubs and dancing. I think it's Top 40, if that helps.
"
118396,"Why do Christians like Swiss cheese? It's holey.
"
204994,"Had sex with my nephew's English teacher. Texted her the next day """"Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!"""" so I don't have to see her again.
"
7000,"What does your mom and a rain forest have in common? If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.
"
33287,"What happened to Donald Trump when he travelled to Switzerland? He Felt the Bern
"
116812,"""""Remember Robert from work?"""" Yeah..he was a douche. """"He died."""" WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
"
196559,"If another woman steals your man, there's no better revenge than to let her keep him. Real men can't be stolen.
"
51054,"A Muslim suicide bomber joins Reddit **Edit: Wow, this blew up!
"
80423,"A man shot a guy in the butt from 1000m away It was one helluva crack-shot.
"
63704,"Why did Burger King decide to partner with Dairy Queen instead of McDonalds??? Because she unwrapped his Whopper. I'm so sorry!!!
"
74426,"Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you? Because he doesn't know the time of day.
"
126899,"I can't be the only person who hears the phone ringing and says """"oh fuck, what NOW?""""
"
190870,"Me: What are you doing?! 5-year-old: Hugging my sister. Me: Hugs don't start with a flying tackle. 5: Me: 5: The good ones do.
"
41435,"You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that's older than you.
"
57000,"Top three reasons he doesn't text you back: 1. He's just not that into you 2. He's imaginary 3. He's a cat
"
187508,"What do you call an antelope that wants a big wedding? Cantelope
"
158982,"Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she's doing.
"
172813,"What political party does Jon Snow belong to? The Know-Nothings!
"
224934,"Do you know where my potted cactus went? [OC] Well, I can't put my finger on it...
"
2652,"Your porn name is your first pet and the street you grew up on? So my porn name is Glenn Beck? Fuck that shit!
"
83503,"I used to have a 2 year old son, he died the same way Eric Clapton's son died... For inspiration
"
216660,"Did you hear about the dyslexic Christian? .... who worshipped the almighty 'Dog'.
"
8601,"Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad... I think its time for USB.
"
154837,"Whenever I hear someone scream """"Call an ambulance,"""" I'm like, um, ever heard of email
"
217514,"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60 She's 93 now and we don't know where the hell she is.
"
34837,"What does a gay horse eat? Haaayyyy
"
191633,"Sex Ed class Teacher : any questions? Johnny : which sex position makes the ugliest kids? Teacher : ask your parents. *class fuckin loses it*
"
190503,"What French city always surrenders first? Toulouse
"
18685,"How do you end world hunger? Put Turkey in Greece to cook it, then cut it up and put it into Chile. Then put it on China and give it to Hungary.
"
53790,"Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You're welcome.
"
175132,"Peace in the Middle East, bruh! Hah, yah right...
"
111420,"What's the Difference Between A Condom and Your Mother? A condom wasn't on my dick last night.
"
175798,"A woman at work got really angry with me when I... Politely held the door open for her. She must've been a feminist cos she got real mad and shouted at me """"Do you mind I'm trying to take a shit! """"
"
144168,"Fire at will! Why does everyone hate Will?  ^^courtesy ^^of ^^my ^^Uncle ^^Rick
"
61416,"A man walked into his house and was delighted... ...when he discovered that someone had stolen all of his lamps.
"
216824,"What are Mario's pants made out of? DenimDenimDenim
"
196229,"I don't speak french but I know a little german. He's sitting over there.
"
95874,"Patient just told me a joke yesterday When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why? They are out standing in the field
"
214145,"[Robbery] Sloth Man: I'll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep. *Runs to bank* *Reaches bank 18 hrs later* SM: How'd they escape?
"
165956,"So You Think You're The One Guy Who Can Wear A Fedora Without Looking Like A Douche
"
181513,"Scratches and dents on the doors of your car are the side effects of bad driving.
"
31100,"What do you call a funny hill? Hilarious ... My little sister told me this and I wasn't expecting it at all. :|
"
158280,"What has four legs and two assholes? A police horse.
"
187897,"Can """"agroaner"""" or """"groaners"""" please be a jokes subsubreddit. http://i.imgur.com/q334iSV.jpg from WTF
"
221539,"What if there was a Christian version of ISIS called CHRISIS?!
"
38627,"Thought I saw God in my rear-view mirror yesterday... Turns out it was just a dog.
"
220181,"What is a clowns fart made of? Laughing gas.
"
203756,"How do you make a hormone? Kick her between the legs
"
31064,"Q: Why is the most intelligent part of your body so intelligent? A: Because it nose.
"
27329,"I went into a haunted house today. All the ghosts ejaculated on my face. It was a bookkake.
"
79266,"Eleanor Rigby would probably get super bummed out if she ever heard the song about her.
"
229191,"Rick astley will let you borrow any movie from his collection of Pixar films except one. He's never going to give you Up.
"
64487,"Google just threw a drink in my face I deserved it I have no business asking those questions
"
205428,"Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house. *zoom to fish tank* Fish 1: *nods* Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny. *bubbles*
"
35938,"I've discovered my home doesn't have a basement. It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
"
142214,"I Finally Chose a College Major... Me: Dad, I think I want to go to college for botany. Dad: Are you sure? What made you interested in that? Me: Well it is a growing field.
"
32443,"I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil EDIT: Thanks for front page
"
117672,"You know what they do in West Virginia for Halloween? They pump kin
"
136127,"Why did the chicken cross the road I parked across from the grocery store.
"
151093,"Who's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy.
"
222942,"I bought a keg and bagels today. That's what kegel is, right?
"
159309,"Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon? The food's ok, but it has no atmosphere.
"
22470,"Know why Chick-fil-A doesn't have a sandwich with two patties on it? because they don't want two chicks on top of each other! *RIMSHOT*
"
116367,"Woman's world cup- USA vs JAPAN who gives a fuck...
"
149324,"Nixon had to be photographed at an angle to make him appear upright. One of the drawbacks of him having a list.
"
71526,"This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.
"
55912,"I just waited on hold 47 minutes for a tech that sounds like he learned English from a Furby.
"
160820,"What's the pope's favorite power tool? A cathedrill
"
166977,"Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF. All my base are belong to you.
"
143258,"There's a reason it's called """"girls gone wild"""" and not """"women gone wild"""". When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.
"
212332,"I'm in a long-distance relationship My girlfriend lives in the future.
"
10309,"Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a car. The car crashes. Who survived? *America.*
"
61782,"What's the difference between a dog and your best friend? The dog doesn't fuck your wife and walk the house in your robe
"
151012,"What do you call glasses that make you look wise? Respectacles
"
54814,"Why can't women be botanists? Because they'll break the glass ceiling.
"
10205,"A cannibal chief was just about to stew his latest victim for dinner when the man protested """"You can't eat me ? I'm the manager!"""" """"Well"""" said the cannibal """"soon you'll be a manager in chief.""""
"
203735,"If you read stressed backward it's desserts...coincidence? :)
"
88368,"My daughter is now at the age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex. This morning she asked, """"Was that the best you could do?""""
"
122615,"If money doesn't grow on trees... Then why do banks have branches?
"
27894,"What do you call a blad man with dandruff? A Snowglobe!
"
120271,"A man had sex with a baby horse [nsfw] He was clearly into pedo-filly-a
"
100906,"Cops: You were driving while intoxicated Me: I was in no condition to walk
"
62771,"I'm getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it's really just starting to come across as desperate
"
216849,"Don't you hate it when... [NSFW] ...you could have actually viewed that Reddit post at work?
"
201641,"Why wasn't Cinderella good at sports? Because her coach was a pumpkin
"
183238,"I shouldn't be forced to have black friends. I know my whites.
"
142466,"My friend text me 'what are you doing now?' I replied 'Probably failing my driving test'.
"
75406,"I still don't understand how finishing my food is going to save a starving child in Africa.
"
222254,"[commercial for rakes] """"Are u tired of eating leaves?""""
"
82249,"I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
"
99654,"I hear China has abandoned it's one child policy, which is great news. I never could eat just the one
"
26907,"How do you sell a deaf guy a frog? DO YOU WANT TO BUY A FROG? rip.
"
229840,"Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
"
230361,"Why did the dad make the joke? For the pun of it.
"
96174,"The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
"
153364,"Ever wonder why children tend to ignore their parents who underwent a sex change op? It's because they are trans-parent.
"
15259,"What would you call it when a dinosaur gets into a car crash? Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
"
127099,"Your ugly. And you're drunk. Yes but in the morning I'll be sober !
"
21161,"What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? It's easy to make the same joke about 9/11.
"
54683,"Just looked in my 8 yr old son's bedroom and I'm pretty sure it can't be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
"
78119,"Confucius he say Man who wank into till Come into money. Source: My mate Dave at uni circa 1998.
"
128536,"What do you call three Egyptian women in a bathtub? Gorillas in the mist
"
10018,"Why did Serj Tankian cross the road? because he wanted to...
"
76327,"cop: are you high? me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope* cop: did you just say """"asterisk vaults ov
"
16727,"When a guy texts a girl """"hey stranger"""", what he really means is """"I've recently thought about trying to get in your pants again.""""
"
105682,"Where will you find the most powerful man in Los Angeles? Watts.
"
207332,"JokeExplainBot
"
99667,"Two kids were walking home.... The one kid ask the other, """"Do you believe in the devil?"""" The second kid reply's """"Of course not. It's all silly. The devil is like Santa, it's always your Dad.""""
"
115021,"One day you'll find someone who loves you for you. Someone with low, low, super way low standards. Lower than what you're thinking right now
"
111970,"I like my women like my coffee. Ground up in a bag.
"
28685,"I don't always give her an orgasm, but when I do.. She spits it back at me.
"
231472,"Which art piece won the Texas Muhammad cartoon contest? Two chalk outlines.
"
117439,"Did you guys hear the joke about the stunt man's flame? It was retarded
"
144500,"Shit Post In a packed auditorium, a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum. Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down. He said """"SHIT""""... It took 3 Days to clean the auditorium..
"
71825,"Women always check me out. The cashiers at the grocery store are so nice.
"
127640,"Accidentally took a women's multi vitamin and I've been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
"
11919,"I hate three things in this world: math
"
143839,"Drinking could cause memory loss. Or even worse, memory loss.
"
184198,"I'm not a huge fan of Carrot Top.. ..but I give him props!
"
53440,"Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.
"
34612,"What did the magician say when he a did a magic trick on the spaghetti? Pesto chango
"
52031,"Why can't you starve in the desert? Because of all the sandwiches there.
"
129122,"What did George Washington say to his men just before they got in the boat? """"Men, get in the boat!""""
"
81325,"Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it's the next big thing.
"
181461,"What is a Muslim's favorite type of meat? Shalami! haha!
"
87255,"Knock knock. Whose there? 9/11 9/11 who? You said you'd never forget!
"
221326,"What comes up but never comes down? Russian Cosmonauts
"
226511,"What do cops and mushrooms have in common? You feed 'em shit and keep 'em in the dark.
"
84750,"I saw a dwarf escaping prison yesterday, and as he was climbing down the outer fence he turned and sneered at me. I thought to myself, that's a little condescending.
"
157493,"What is faster than silver surfer? Quicksilver Surfer! :D
"
91017,"[offensive] What do books have that Mexican's don't? Papers
"
114637,"PS4 - 29 Titan looking for fresh vog normal PSN allynlewis182
"
159618,"The first thing you'll need if you're planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
"
75844,"Time for a Pao wow... Feel free to express how you really feel...
"
145706,"Im tired of the movies, I miss the Transformers cartoon. That's when Optimus was in his prime
"
175934,"What molecule has the best sense of humor? A helium polymer. HeHeHeHeHe
"
144573,"I have a feeling that Scalia was sad that he was going to be alone on Valentine's Day... ...and it broke his heart...
"
24099,"If Barry Allen had a restaurant what would it be called? Greased lightning?
"
66653,"My girlfriend broke up with me because I play too many video games. Seems like something pretty stupid to Fallout for.
"
74295,"Umm, no officer. I'm pretty sure that bag of weed fell out of YOUR pocket.
"
171318,"The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my house. I didn't know what to make of it.
"
113378,"After my wife died, I haven't been able to look at other women for 10 years... But now that I'm out of prison I can honestly say that it was worth it.
"
175569,"Finally listened to the audiobook for """"The Hunger Games"""". In my opinion, the book was better.
"
198233,"I met this gorgeous girl on the subway... and I said to her, """"do you know the different between lunch and a blowjob"""" """"no"""" Ok, lets go to lunch then.
"
15500,"[baby throws up all over the couch] Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
"
213133,"I saw a fat guy with a """"M.O.B."""" tattoo on his arm. I asked """"money over b*tches?"""" He said """"No, McDonalds over Burger King.
"
130130,"Always remember.... A mirror never lies.     (Fatty)
"
48687,"Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut
"
61169,"Making out with a blind girl... I made out with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said """"Nah, You're just pulling my leg.""""
"
22833,"I'm going on a seafood diet for the holidays... that is, I see food and I eat it.
"
108988,"Do one thing that scares you every day. Maybe do four things. Live in constant fear.
"
84956,"The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. It was tense.
"
77300,"I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens shoes. Bitches be trippin.
"
155348,"My Phone autocorrected """"wish you were here"""" to """"wish you were beer"""" and I sent it anyways
"
79101,"Friend: *singing along* But I'm a creep. I'm a widow. Me: Weirdo. Friend: Sorry, I'll stop. Me: No, he says...yeah okay, thanks.
"
3792,"What does JCPenny and teenagers have in common? Pants 50% off
"
150758,"What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth? 1 US Leader.
"
193878,"What's the difference between eating pizza, and eating pussy? You eat the crust off the pizza!
"
225710,"There's a new male porn star from India. His stage name is Deep Indar!
"
159705,"I once took out the trash for four straight months Then we broke up.
"
228832,"Did you hear about the racist dolphin waiter? He serves no porpoise.
"
187208,"What did Joss say on the last day of shooting the Avengers? Whedon?
"
203631,"I always wanted to try juggling... I just never had the balls to.
"
1036,"What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this!
"
177040,"What is Jasmine Tridevil's (girl with 3 boobs), favorite type of cake? Tres Leches!
"
186010,"What do you say to someone riding a stoned horse? Get off your high horse.
"
184074,"I'm the kind of girl who won't stop until you're screaming your safeword. Related: Your safeword's the first 16 digits of your credit card.
"
118842,"Things I learnt from Avatar: - Kill Smurfs while they're still young.
"
219923,"How many feminists does it takes to change a lightbulb? One. ###And it's NOT funny!!!
"
112041,"What do zombie college students eat? Raw-men
"
229262,"The scariest thing about being a doctor is if you ever, even once, accidentally call it a """"cooter"""" you're fired for life.
"
35211,"What borders on silly? Mexico &amp; Canada
"
32731,"*Filling out application* Sex: """"no thanks"""" Well maybe I should write yes... I really need this job. You know what? Yeah sure I'll take sex.
"
53450,"Showerthoughts has a rule against puns so here we are. Promiscuous women in 1984 were guilty of thot crimes.
"
72751,"Hear about the 2 Mexican firemen? Jose and Josb
"
98123,"I went to a zoo but the only animal it had was one dog It was a shih tzu
"
51056,"So I met this hooker who said she'd do anything for ten bucks . Guess who got his yard cut?
"
111239,"When a lady leaves an article of clothing at my place, I do the gentlemanly thing and put it on and parade around the house looking pretty.
"
189337,"I was suddenly awoken with a blowjob this morning That's the last time I fall asleep with my mouth open on the train
"
31293,"FOX new has saved my legs! I got into a terridle car crash and and lost the use of my legs. When I was in the hospital, FOX news came on the TV. I got up to change the channel.
"
204284,"Behind Every Successful man. Teacher: Behind every successful man there is a women what do we learn from this? Student: we should stop wasting time in studies and find a woman.
"
78416,"What's Goku's favorite subject? Super Science.
"
203288,"Money doesn't buy happiness...
"
135483,"Vagina jokes aren't funny. Period.
"
134428,"A great joke/insult to make fun of a friend/enemy. [Insert name] was signing up for a website and types in """"MYPENIS"""" for his password, and the website said, """"Password is too short.""""
"
99777,"ME: we can do this GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can't clear the bridge ME: *mashes 'im feeling lucky' button*
"
210083,"My Animal Science dissertation """"Are Hippos Just Girl Rhinoceroses?"""" met with a healthy dose of scientific skepticism WHICH I WELCOME.
"
35518,"*watching news report of zombie apocalypse* Me: This is great. No work today!
"
32554,"LPT - If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of uncooked rice overnight. The rice will attract Asian people who will then fix your phone. Tried, tested, true
"
213607,"Which US state has the smallest soft drinks? Minisoda
"
164711,"Why is a gay God purty cool? Because he makes two Adams smash together
"
149402,"I used to steal punchlines from others I still do, but I used to, too.
"
201714,"Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear? It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear
"
94508,"Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea  in the morning? A: It swells at night.
"
122721,"I always thought Apple was filled with giant assholes, but boy was I wrong Turns out they're really just tiny jack-offs
"
191407,"Scavenger hunt! Find a parent in Walmart who isn't scowling or being verbally and physically abusive to their children.
"
183136,"A Bagpiper, a Kangeroo, an Irish poet, and Mother Theresa walk into a bar . . . . . . . the barman, who was drying a glass, lifted his head and asked, """"Is this some kind of joke?""""
"
4097,"I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work. On a lighter note, I'm selling a lightly used skateboard.
"
91917,"If Anderson Cooper shows up in your country you're fucked. He's pretty much the Angel of Death.
"
88911,"Made a pizza today with Indian bread It was like Naan other
"
19974,"If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you're using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
"
54880,"You can make fun of the Amish all you want on the Internet They'll never see it!
"
119677,"Are you a Carbon sample? Because I want to *date* you.
"
122518,"Did you hear the one about the crossed eyed teacher? She couldn't keep her Pupils straight
"
195815,"A 90 Year Old Holocaust Survivor Told Me This One... """"Don't you think I have anything better to do than give 20 people on Reddit the same joke every day for the past 2 years?""""
"
130043,"whats worse than eating shit out of someone's ass? chewing &amp; transferring it to your lover's mouth
"
134763,"Jesus: Give them fingernails in case they start itching. God: Alright, but wouldn't it be funny if they couldn't reach their backs?
"
100850,"If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
"
199820,"What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common? Their last big hit was the wall.
"
211224,"ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!! *holds up severed head The crowd stared in horror as the National Spelling Bee contest took a morbid twist.
"
147019,"11 was a race horse 11 was 12 11 1 1 race 12 1 1 2
"
75067,"What's in a Paul Walker shot ? An Irish car bomb followed by a shot of Fireball
"
215001,"My girlfriend left me when I refused to go the gym with her. It's a shame our relationship didn't work out.
"
37955,"I asked the librarian if they had any books on paranoia and she whispered """"They're behind you.""""
"
159685,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Boise ! Boise who ? Boise ivy !
"
199438,"What do you call a group of crows? The end of season 5.
"
144991,"Ahmed Mohamed must have made a bomb ass clock
"
190942,"Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning.
"
148784,"Nothing says """"I've given up"""" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.
"
16914,"I hate it when a bar of soap gets visibly dirty. I want to clean it, but down that road lies madness.
"
212104,"Why couldn't the NSA go outside? They were Snowden.
"
111548,"[on a first date] Me: So do you like puppies? Her: Oh I love them Me: Ok, so we'll both have the puppies Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
"
152706,"Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone's cart and demanding they fight you
"
114189,"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put him in the microwave til his Bill Withers.
"
141585,"Kesha got a lip tattoo that says, 'Suck It.' I'd suggest you 'Disinfect It,' 'Fumigate It,' or better yet, 'Avoid It.'
"
126521,"So I went to the bar one night... and.. Wait what happened at the bar last night anyway?
"
151607,"Why can't you trust atoms? Because they make up everything
"
85371,"An Englishman walks into a bar... There's usually a Scotsman, Irishman and Welshman too, but they're still at the Rugby World Cup.
"
107327,"Why do people point at their wrist when asking for the time? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
"
164013,"Research shows that masturbation is one of the main causes of acne. Also, acne is the main cause of masturbation.
"
39418,"Argon walks into a bar. And the bartender says, """"We don't serve Noble Gasses in here!"""" Argon does not react.
"
120418,"*Creates Animals* God: They're magnificent. Angel: Some of ur best work. Man: Which ones go on pizza?
"
150094,"If I ever get AIDS, I hope I get it from an Indian. Because he'll take them back.
"
185367,"What do you call a penguin with a smoking problem? It's a puffin!
"
188747,"When your bio says """"No DMs,"""" I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say: """"OK.""""
"
220510,"Six jews are in a park, two leave. How many people are left? Zero, because jews aren't people.
"
171234,"What did the blond do with her asshole in the morning? Pack him a lunch and tell him to go to work!
"
99870,"What did the Christan principal say when she kicked a student out of school? THE POWER OF CHRIST EXPELS YOU.
"
45747,"You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.
"
26246,"If you believe binoculars are overrated, then look no further.
"
121909,"[speed dating] Anyway, do you have a baby hedgehog? """"No."""" *I take a deep breath and roll my eyes* [timer beeps]
"
59973,"[job interview] """"What's your greatest weakness?"""" Alcohol """"Umm ok, how about strengths?"""" *pouring him a shot* Sharing
"
51910,"I told my wife ..... I'm going to quit my job to become a stand up comedian, and she said, """"You can't be serious""""!!!
"
162720,"""""I've been waiting for this my whole life"""" I thought as the man pointed the gun at my head and demanded I recite """"Bohemian Rhapsody""""
"
19478,"How much to learn the thriller dance moves? """"Ma'am... this is senior citizens Zumba class!""""
"
14722,"How does a Jewish man know his wife died? Well, the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up.
"
2783,"How much does a Rabbi charge for circumcision? Nothing. He just keeps the tips.
"
65196,"Rather than ever clean a window I just tell people they're frosted.
"
89866,"What do you call a black person who smokes? An e-cigger. I'm going to hell for thinking of this.
"
4297,"A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.
"
92013,"Why was the geologist arrested? He was doing crystal math.
"
55061,"Why is the economy so bad has anyone told these guys there's always money in the banana stand
"
167482,"""""Computers will never replace humans."""" - Cannibal wisdom.
"
228295,"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my dad. Not screaming in terror, like his passengers.
"
71287,"The size of penis doesn't correlate to the number of sex one will have Proof: the two largest populations in this world: China and India.
"
154520,"What is condemned and overused yet as inescapable as a black hole? clickbait -_-
"
111349,"Did you hear about the human cannonball? First day on the job, he was fired.
"
187476,"What has 3 balls and flies through space E.T the Extra Testicle I know this was awful I'm sorry
"
106078,"Alsation: Was your master playing catch with you?  Chihuahua: No I was playing throw with her!
"
205884,"Ethiopian kid won't get this... old
"
229635,"A bot walks into a sub and orders a rum and coke... [Removed]
"
145386,"What's the difference between a ladder and a truck? It's no bad luck to walk under a truck.
"
110677,"Mark Twain used to travel with a podium from his hometown. Ah yes, his Hannibal Lectern.
"
80716,"Nice try, PG-13 comedies.
"
63708,"Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they are used to eating nuts!
"
169785,"Wake and bake and bake and bake and bake and bake - really busy pothead chefs daily itinerary
"
96766,"A man walks into a zoo. All he sees is a dog. What kind of zoo is it? A shit-zoo.
"
1782,"How are a grenade and a girlfriend similar? If they're good ones, they'll both blow really well.
"
195442,"I swear, if I go to read one more goddamn article and I click on it and it's a video, I'll... I'll... tweet about it.
"
210861,"The reason I'm so happy today is because I got a penis enlarger... She's 18 years old!
"
204912,"Why cant you make fun of Chinese people? Because its just wong
"
133125,"How many Freudian slips does it take to change a light bulb? Two! One to hold the bulb, the other to hold the cock, uh, penis, I mean, uh, ladder.
"
45938,"What did Silver say to Gold? """"Au!""""
"
139528,"What do fish use to get high Seaweed ;D
"
118569,"Cinco de Mayo is when all the single white women in your office go out for margaritas after work and loudly call each other """"hooker.""""
"
117105,"What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Stephen King? OJ's truth is stranger than King's fiction.
"
109020,"What is the shortest street in the universe? Planckstrasse
"
174626,"My girlfriend told me peeing after sex prevents pregnancies... I don't know what I did wrong. I peed as hard as I could right after sex and she still got pregnant.
"
162058,"Why did I need to bring a shovel on my first date? Clearly the chloroform wasn't enough.
"
164014,"How come men don't watch women's ice hockey? No man can handle that many periods.
"
50205,"A time traveller walks into a bar... http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/3lsgus/and_the_bartender_says_sorry_we_dont_serve_time/
"
187196,"Why are Americans so good at shooting? They have the best schools for it.
"
45026,"I'm not sure if my foots been asleep for the last 3 days or if I have diabetes.
"
17708,"I am on a seafood diet Every time I see food, I eat it.
"
112488,"Who makes more money, a hooker, or a drug dealer? The hooker, because she can wash her crack and sell it again
"
167528,"Did you hear about the vulture that became a priest? He's a bird of pray.
"
229030,"What did the lesbian vampire say to her girlfriend? See you next month!
"
141296,"Trampoline Joke Do you know they used to be called Jumpolines before your mom got on it?
"
47954,"[impatiently yells] """"What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??"""" And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.
"
86390,"""""I love you."""" """"I love you, two."""" Because multiple personality disorder.
"
150120,"What did the scientist say before he died by mixing Hydroxide and Nitrate? """"OH^- NO^3+ !""""
"
12471,"[Me flirting with a twenty something] Him: When last did you get lit? Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
"
227184,"Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month. If you know you have boobs, go get checked. You too ladies.
"
216096,"I like to think of myself as God's gift to women. They certainly wouldn't pay anything to have me.
"
211114,"What a few black wolves and a classic musician have in common? The two are Wolfgang.
"
158050,"Of his generals, who did Hitler think was the least funniest? Hermann Boering!
"
133573,"Like my nana used to always say, """"screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else""""
"
182313,"We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
"
140166,"-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
"
67112,"Why cant you play cards on a rowboat? Because you're sitting on the deck...
"
221124,"How can you tell if your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit.
"
49133,"I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
"
81009,"I was having an argument with my deaf wife. All women are the same, they don't listen.
"
67627,"Why do flowers and beer get along so well? They're buds
"
224767,"needs to stop keeping the cocaine next to the coffee creamer. I screwed up again. drinking a cup now and it has that weird milky taste.
"
117938,"It's great to see that the French finally grew a pair of balls and took down a German Aircraft... but the war ended 70 years ago
"
51085,"*Tries to get makeup off* Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
"
162,"Yo mama so lazy she thinks a two-income  family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
"
79401,"What's the difference between a Taliban training camp and a Pakistani wedding? I don't know. I just fly the drone.
"
61067,"Wanna know why donald trump considers my penis a muslim? Because i bomb the pussy
"
83106,"COP: You're under arrest for owning a non-domesticated animal. ME:(looks at otter)You mean Dave? COP:...and for this weed ME: That's Dave's
"
32892,"How to elephants talk to each other ? By 'elephone !
"
48670,"My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I'm blinded by whiteness.
"
96917,"Knock Knock, Who's there? Fuckin' Jenny. Now gild me and give me upvotes.
"
218776,"I was reading in the paper... And I saw this article about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. I thought to myself, """"How could anyone stoop so low?""""
"
186054,"Pro Tip Jehovah's Witnesses will do anything to talk to you, including your dishes and laundry Try it
"
89343,"Who is Donald Trump's favorite action star? Sylvester Small-Loan
"
211385,"What spice can't be in sol food? Ginger.
"
130013,"Taco Bell manager: I'm sorry, you didn't get the job. It's your drug test Me: so you mean... Manager: yes, you passed. Get high & re-apply
"
14468,"I had to stop watching An Inconvenient Truth after 20 minutes. Can't stand movies with that much gore.
"
182323,"NSFW why did the redneck cross the road...? Because his dick was stuck in the chicken.
"
215463,"Meet my new lizard friend... He's my newt!
"
125120,"The boss of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic. Medics say he needed a second coat.
"
96496,"How did the swordsman keep annoying r/jokes? Constant ripostes.
"
43919,"Why are gardeners better problem solvers than politicians Because gardeners really get to the root of the problem.
"
75781,"Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often. Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself.
"
70245,"What do lesbians use to get on top of a building? A scissor lift.
"
110955,"Why do baked bean cans contain only 239 beans? Because if they had one more, they would be 240.
"
63326,"How do you know a woman has had sex in every country in the world? Her pussy is well cultured.
"
19621,"What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night? Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.
"
82853,"How chi was the Olympics? So chi
"
226126,"Taking a picture of your meal before you eat is the new """"saying grace.""""
"
183154,"What Is Brown and Rhymes With Snoop? Dr. Dre
"
20397,"What's the difference between a Chickpea and a Garbonzo bean? I wouldn't let a Garbonzo bean all over my face.
"
70202,"What do you call a Mongol with an infectious skin disease? A leprekhan
"
101236,"Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
"
216344,"One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir? PANCAKE ok I need you to step out of the car
"
100076,"What do you call a peaceful Bruce Lee? Gent Lee (Gently)
"
8479,"*Slowly breaks up with you, word by word, during a game of Scrabble.
"
64198,"The first question aliens will ask our leaders is why that peanut is wearing a top hat and monocle.
"
211285,"""""Behold, a 3 headed cat"""" """"um, its just 3 cats taped together"""" """"Behold, a 12 legg...*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.""""
"
158682,"Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his """"accent""""
"
115078,"""""I wish there were something like coffee, but faster-acting,"""" he thought, before remembering that it already exists and ruins your life.
"
121789,"Sunday Family Humour 3rd August - a Weekly light humour magazine for all the family
"
13265,"What do you call an international criminal waffle that you dropped at the beach? Carmen Sandy Eggo
"
100901,"a man goes to the doctor... """"Whats wrong with me?"""" """"You have to stop masturbating."""" """"Why?"""" """"So that I can examine you.""""
"
58469,"How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 8,9,11
"
58189,"If gas prices keep going up I'm cutting off the bottom of my car and I'm """"Flintstoning"""" That mf!
"
74614,"What do you call a can opener that doesn't work? A unemployed male college graduate.
"
174743,"This is a joke about my balls but its pretty funny Why were my balls wet? cause i dipped em' in the wishing well! LOL
"
212928,"I'm so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I'm going with them.
"
150661,"My boyfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because he doesn't exist.
"
31669,"Walked into a very expensive restaurant, sat down, was handed a menu. Comic Sans. Got up and left. Life is hard.
"
74616,"Why did the paedophilic bestialist not answer his name? Because he was feeling a little horse.
"
59472,"Why did the nun call the Womens helpline? because she was touched by Jesus.
"
95170,"""""God is dead."""" -Nietzsche """"God is Dad!"""" -Jesus """"God IS, dude..."""" -Stoners
"
34175,"How do u get a pool table to laugh? tickle its balls.
"
63798,"Just once I'd like to yell, """"Don't you know who I am?!"""" because I'm important, not because I'm drunk and actually forgot.
"
6762,"Which came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken of course, an egg cannot cum! Made this up in my sleep sorry if offends any egg lovers..
"
202658,"I'm so glad l had piles of paperwork on my desk to soak up the coffee I spilled.
"
67259,"I told my dad """"Look, I got a B in reading!"""" He said """"That's a D you idiot."""" -Rocky Laporte http://www.cc.com/video-clips/m25nl8/comedy-central-presents-birthday
"
163381,"I've got one for you. Game of War. Hardcore? Maybe if you're my mom.
"
65074,"I think I'm allergic to alcohol... After about 10-12 beers, I throw up. It's the damndest thing!
"
100776,"*strums ukulele* This one goes out to my ex wife, Lucy. It's called """"I know how much you hate ukuleles so I wrote a 9 minute ukulele song""""
"
98623,"Just had a really enlightening yoga session! LOLJK! I'm drinking warm whiskey out of a water bottle designed for hamsters.
"
104956,"Any golf jokes? Was hoping you guys would have a few golf jokes for when I play my first game tomorrow. From PG to R rated is fine with me ;)
"
96896,"The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
"
212108,"*Mom makes me take out the garbage* *Garbage and I begin to date* *I start taking things too fast* *Garbage dumps me*
"
195280,"What's a Jewish Person's Favorite Time of Year? The Challah-Days
"
64219,"How do they launch a champagne factory? They throw a boat at it.
"
116364,"My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
"
7649,"After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up. Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
"
124830,"Fellow Black Friday shopper: I'm so excited! What are you trying to buy? Me: oh I can't afford anything, I'm hoping to be trampled to death
"
51639,"True story I've met a research geologist whose work was groundbreaking.
"
182837,"Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? To avoid being confused with feminists.
"
91110,"Whats the difference between an Asian man and a box of chocolates? They'll both kill your dog, but the Asian will cook it afterwards.
"
56610,"39485 Sorry for the repost, but this is a classic that never fails to make me laugh!
"
181469,"My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish... She would dress like herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
"
16089,"Tuesday walks into a bar sits down, hangs his head, and says why me.
"
227235,"Me: Whatcha doing on the PC? Daughter: Looking at peckers. M: WHAT?!? D: Science project on chickens. M: Oh. D: You walked RIGHT into that.
"
54882,"Did you hear about the guy who got hit on the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
"
130281,"There were ten zebras in the zoo. All but nine escaped. How many were left? Nine!
"
227360,"What's long and hard and fucks old people? Osteoporosis
"
182285,"My father just texted that he's been kicked off the roof of a Cleveland casino for grilling hotdogs, if you ever wondered why I am this way.
"
166252,"when zombies can't sleep it's called inzombnia holy shit that was a huge slice of comedy pie I bet you're all full now I sure am
"
124383,"""""Are you sure this lawyer is good?"""" Yeah, why? """"He pronounced sue like sway""""
"
149720,"I invented the sandal for people with one leg. It was a flop.
"
56798,"I'm watching so many cute animals videos I think I'm developing aww-tism.
"
205198,"I can't count how many times I failed maths at school.
"
173963,"Why didn't the chicken cross the road? Because it was too chicken!
"
156140,"I'm glad the unbelievably loud teenagers on this flight are all white so I can hate them.
"
104585,"Argon walks into a bar The bartender looks up and says, """"I'm sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."""" Argon doesn't react because reacting has been copyrighted by The Fine Bros since 2016.
"
154590,"Q: How so you call a member of the finacial staff of the faculty of Biology? A: A Buy-ologist.
"
119829,"I thought a drone was the sound women make when you're trying to watch the game?
"
62798,"I wanna thank my mom for not aborting me and my dad for buying cheap condoms. Love you guys
"
14861,"Why are chemists such whores? They keep talking about their nitrates
"
45303,"""""Ha-ha who me? Oh, I put ketchup on everything!"""" CAR SALESMAN: please stop putting ketchup on these Buicks.
"
74434,"Websites that automatically start playing music are like friends that awkwardly start giving you a massage.
"
62560,"u think u had a bad day? smh think about the tree that just got cut down to make flyers for the next nickelback concert
"
45668,"I read a story by a pregnant woman on reddit She was having trouble with her pregnancy, and she said she would post an update after it was over. OP delivered.
"
183068,"What's long, black, and smelly? The unemployment line
"
142097,"20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him 40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
"
201720,"What's the difference between oral and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.
"
194358,"A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
"
8879,"Spaces matter in Spanish! Why? Because.
"
118571,"What's the difference between a priest and a pimple? At least the pimple waits until you are 14 before it cums on your face.
"
30937,"What did the Scottish man do when he ran out of pants to wear? He kilt himself
"
193169,"Doctor: are you sexually active? Me: I usually stay pretty still.
"
135307,"A Mexican magician was performing a magic show He said that he will vanish by the count of 3. So he started the countdown Uno Dos And then he vanished without a tres
"
191580,"Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? The lettuce was a head and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
"
173951,"I don't understand why the Catholic Church is so against gay pride After all, their central figure was nailed by four Roman guys.
"
100485,"whenever white girls are fighting and one of them calls the other """"hun"""" during the argument world war 3 begins
"
93366,"I bet our Founding Fathers never envisioned a Justin Bieber video getting heavy airplay on BET.
"
133877,"How do you spot Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for the fresh prints.
"
113905,"What advice does Jay Leno receive when sad? Chin up pal.
"
127515,"If I ever get married, I'm not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
"
200023,"When someone asks me if I'm busy, it always sounds like a trick question.
"
209735,"I haven't been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
"
53858,"Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.
"
29915,"I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
"
15882,"So my brother is dating a mermaid. Yeah, apparently their relationship's on the rocks.
"
75609,"So I got a phone call from the post office today... ...complaining that my dog is attacking a postman on a bike. But I told them """"It can't be my dog... he doesn't even know how to ride a bike"""".
"
206646,"A wine tasting? Where people SPIT OUT precious wine?! Sure, maybe we could go to the humane society and watch them put puppies to sleep too.
"
164869,"What do authors do when they are being chased? They make like Dr. Jekyll and Hyde!
"
185704,"What do you call a jewish Pokemon trainer? Ash.
"
18654,"Doritos has a new snack called """"Taco Explosion"""" so I'm suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
"
202011,"Sorry, I can't go. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. Maybe next time? :)
"
130520,"[trial] Judge: how do you plead? """"not guilty"""" J: but you've admitted to dropping an anvil on him. """"he asked me to make him a pancake""""
"
35037,"Life coach: """"Always try to get off on the right foot."""" Me: """"Wow, that's a VERY specific fetish!""""
"
181920,"You may call it """"alcohol abuse"""" but I've never heard alcohol complain.
"
2436,"What do you call an Asian guy who is a member of ISIS? RICE-IS
"
23009,"Why couldn't Helen Keller drive Because she was a woman
"
20491,"I want to die drunk and peacefully like my grandfather Not like his 6 other screaming passengers
"
105515,"What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar? Buck teeth!
"
153845,"Similarities and differences between the Canadian and Chinese constitution. Both have freedom of speech but only one has freedom after speech.
"
174535,"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.
"
90929,"What is the difference between Harry Potter and a Jew Harry Potter escaped the chamber .
"
106687,"Pilot: """"What does this button do?"""" *intercom turns on* Pilot: """"Doesn't do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.""""
"
16470,"the only proof i have that there is a god is that one time i saw a dude in a """"Bazinga"""" shirt get into a car and drive directly into a tree
"
103817,"OMG a Matterbaby just washed up on Santa Monica beach! *""""what's a matter baby?""""* uh... nothing what is a matter with you?
"
10901,"What are ants called when they run away very fast to get married? Ant-elopers.
"
199285,"Trump wins the election
"
162122,"Shout out to male porn stars... Those guys are always hard at work
"
164225,"The other day I was eating out my grandma, and I tasted horse cum. That's when I realized... That's how she died
"
105776,"A windmill asked me for an autograph... I said """"You must be a big fan""""
"
104843,"Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
"
182521,"I have to pee every hour, on the hour. ...it's like cockwork
"
187451,"What does the First Lady say to the President during sex? """"Oh yeah! Yeah! Do me in my Oval Orifice~!""""
"
79724,"Sexist Joke: What does Big Foot, the tooth fairy, and a book full of female inventors have in common? None of them are real.
"
51472,"Fight fire with water. Idiots.
"
44489,"Why don't blind people skydive more often? It scares the shit outta their dog! - - - -  **Now how do the blind people know they're about to hit the ground ?** The leash gets slack.
"
120851,"I told my sister a joke about the belts. I didn't know if it would hold up
"
133053,"Joe's pizzeria and abortion clinic Your loss, our sauce!
"
153550,"15 is the age where you either look 11 or like 25
"
49163,"How do you get gum out of hair? cancer -I'm sorry-
"
226977,"Why don't people win the lotto Because the NSA runs it
"
127361,"Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive? It was a grave mistake. Woohoo! I'm making these up!!
"
92604,"Some call it alcoholism, I call it """"keeping my emotions hydrated""""
"
99764,"[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby] Man what am I going to do with all these hens
"
228825,"Christians rethink your religion Because jesus had 2 dads.
"
108277,"What do you call really good tea? Qualitea.
"
87223,"Black Whopper at BK You hear BK is now selling a black whopper? They are already cancelling it because it will never work and everyone wants it for free ...... lmao
"
139641,"Cell division, explained: o 0 8 oo
"
196250,"This homeless man was shaking his cup at me with some change in it. Yeah i get it, you have more money than me. Quit it.
"
170312,"Wife: he's always confusing sayings... Therapist: what if you're just misinterpreting him? Me: oooh, check you out playing devil's avocado
"
26803,"Number joke as told by Yoda why 5 afraid of 7 was? because 6, 7 8
"
119193,"How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland? By sending in millions of Muslims
"
102542,"[hospital] Looks like ur Vine went viral. """"Yay!"""" Sorry ur VEIN went viral...you have a fatal blood disease. """"So waitmy Vine didn't go viral?""""
"
67837,"What do you call unborn twins? Wombmates.
"
100775,"What's the difference between the number 3 and David Cameron? One's a prime number, the other's a prime minister.
"
113255,"I was sitting at my desk, trying to think of a double entendre... ...but it got really hard.
"
108735,"How did OJ respond when his son asked to borrow the car? &gt;Only if you go aks your mother.
"
172152,"What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang up the picture.
"
78876,"What do you call two chinese guys in a firebird? Gooks of Hazard
"
148578,"Why is Peter pan always flying? Because he NEVERLANDS. This joke is great because it never grows old.
"
141582,"[me as a poltergeist] *putting forks in the spoon section of the cutlery drawer* ooooOooOooooo
"
154851,"Why did David Schwimmer need ear drops? He had Schwimmer's ear.
"
194964,"I run an amateur dramatic society. Someone approached me recently wanting to do an all dwarf version of the pantomime """"Aladdin"""". The concept is a little wishy-washy.
"
140014,"A physicist came knocking on my door... I gave him the No-Bell Prize.
"
224419,"Yo mamma's so fat... that she takes selfies in panorama mode
"
50231,"My favorite sexual position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
"
181784,"What do you get... When you donkey eats my roosters 2 feet? 2 feet of my cock in your ass!
"
88330,"Fat Chicks Are Like Scooters... They're Really Fun To Ride Until Your Friends Find Out
"
170385,"What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate? A chocolate ba-a-a-a
"
15847,"Two guys walk into a bar You would think the second guy would have ducked.
"
81631,"Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
"
83674,"What do they call the lottery in Africa? Celebrity adoption.
"
153158,"So an orca's prey tried to escape But his fate was sealed
"
124795,"I'm being sued by some atoms I think the court case will go fine, though. The judge knows they make everything up.
"
216964,"I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
"
63607,"My kitten is probably the most playful creature on the planet, but it's less cute when you realize it's all just bird murder practice.
"
206333,"Dudes don't like it when you ask if their salmon-colored pants are wild or farm-raised
"
196247,"A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them.
"
18789,"A stepdad should be called a """"Faux Pa.""""
"
46107,"What do you call a broken can opener? A can't opener
"
11194,"Q: How many baby sitters does it take to change a light bulb? A: None They don't make Pampers small enough.
"
122174,"What is Swizz Beatz's favorite breakfast meal? Alicia Quiche
"
179541,"What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian? A spot-weiler!
"
170151,"Why did the hipster burn himself? Because he played with fire before it was cool.
"
223891,"There's a special place in Hell for those women who say """"Awwww"""" after everything they hear.
"
69407,"I have a friend who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.
"
84528,"Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you're interested by repeatedly asking """"why doesn't our lawn ever look that nice?""""
"
153477,"Why should you always bring 2 pair of trousers when golfing? In case you get a hole in one.
"
170243,"What does the Russian President's wife scream during foreplay? Putin! Putin!
"
52033,"The police came to my house looking for a child molester... I guess I wasn't supposed to volunteer.
"
73322,"Don't pollute the Earth... ...it's not Uranus.
"
40901,"What is a Furman freshman doing when he grasps  at thin air? Collecting his thoughts.
"
198253,"It's tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
"
210018,"What do you call a penguin with a machine gun? Sir. [Groan worthy penguin jokes](https://allwrong.wordpress.com/2007/10/05/penguin-riddles/)
"
196133,"Eventually one of these Republican congressmen is going to find out his daughter is a woman, and then we're all set.
"
212037,"Rene Descartes walks into a bar. . . . . .and orders a beer. When he finishes is, the barkeep asks """"Have another?"""" Descartes replies """"I think not."""" . . .and POOF. He vanishes.
"
138244,"What is the singular form of binoculars? telescope
"
66044,"I am kinda scared of 2015 because 2+0+1+5=8. The exact number of nipples Hitler would have if he had 6 more nipples.
"
66930,"Sorry, but the greatest thing since sliced bread is sandwiches. Period.
"
220518,"The boss enters the office and asks his underling.. ..""""what's the name of the asian punctual co-worker?"""" """"Tai Ming, Sir.""""
"
44545,"Telling a woman she's being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
"
22077,"I'd be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
"
37053,"How many mods does it take to screw in a light bulb? [removed]
"
152140,"I never know what to do with my hands during pictures, so I get it gang members, I totally get it.
"
117783,"A guy died from arteries clogging. The doctors' efforts were in vein.
"
48220,"Racism at its best Eeny meeny miney moe Catch a blacky by the toe If he holler make him pay By picking cotton for a day
"
181232,"What do you call a Mexican who acts like a white person? A Juan-a-be
"
220390,"What do you call a fight between a Mexican and Jared Fogle? Alien vs Predator.
"
87597,"Always identify who to blame in an emergency.
"
36324,"idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven't talked to since high school
"
83860,"It is known that masturbation eases congestion """"I swear officer, I was only trying to help traffic move along!""""
"
227685,"What did the Chinese man say when ophthalmologist told him he had a cataract? *No, I have a Rincoln Continental!*
"
1972,"A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
"
142267,"My friend David lost his ID Now we just call him Dave
"
28344,"My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.
"
73083,"Weather Channel I taped a Weather Channel logo on our living room window. It's like having an extra TV.
"
116462,"Dear White People, Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from 'Frozen'!
"
84287,"According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
"
230667,"*flexing arms* I'd like you to meet my two good friends, Sledge and- """"Hammer?"""" Holy shit that's way cooler.. I was gonna say Sledge 2
"
13674,"I bet it's crazy hard to do the YMCA dance in Chinese...
"
111644,"What is this the difference between America and Greece? 15 years.
"
160103,"Did you hear about the pissed-off cartographer tasked with redrawing the map of Canada's largest territory? He was halving Nunavut.
"
130298,"What's the worst part about baiting a fish hook really well? Everyone knows you're a master baiter!
"
20858,"When I'm driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.
"
15451,"A Women Asked """"What Is The Best Way To Avoid Clickbait?""""
"
48845,"How do you make a coffee sad? You mocha...
"
83750,"What do blacks and apples have in common? If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree. Da ho, no I didnt.
"
164820,"TIL a French man named Philippe Fallope invented the flip flop
"
37220,"Why does sweden have so many somalis? They have a pirate bay......
"
65103,"""""I'll put this somewhere I won't lose it."""" (I'll hide it somewhere I'll never see it again.)
"
10566,"How do you get a fly out of the kitchen? Shit in the living room
"
26655,"The roulette dealer had a unique personality. He had a different spin on everything.
"
74441,"Why were the early days of history called the dark ages? Because there were so many knights
"
51336,"How did the Otaku Redneck guy name his daughter? Annie Mae
"
115979,"Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
"
183078,"Do you know what my least favorite thing about drinking goats milk is? Getting the grass stains off my back.
"
64978,"What did the older terrorist say to the younger terrorist before he headed out for a party? Go on, have a blast.
"
141598,"I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
"
131655,"What kind of doctor does a duck visit? A Ducktor.
"
165461,"*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust* Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
"
162288,"The people in horror movies would live a lot longer if they listened to me in the audience.
"
187376,"[CAVE] BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures! DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
"
180231,"Why doesn't a dog ever have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
"
220455,"Two antennae got married... The ceremony was alright, but the reception was GREAT!
"
223305,"I invented a sport called Mexican football You take a Mexican and kick him over a wall.
"
186698,"Black Friday at the geology museum was great! There were so many great shales!
"
23358,"*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker's office *sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting *retracts
"
19648,"My Grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. """"Two quid for a cup of tea?!""""... I said, """"Well you just popped round, I didn't invite you!""""
"
113411,"What's an elephant's most sexual organ? It's foot. Because if it stands on you you're fucked.
"
170389,"Man walks into a bar... mitzvah. There was no beer so he left lol
"
42580,"I just invented a new word Plagiarism
"
184945,"USA: """"Hey nachos, today's your big day!"""" Nachos: """"What about Cinco de Mayo?"""" USA: """"What'd you just say?"""" Nachos: """"Nothing.""""
"
61804,"*tries to play a skeletons ribs like a xylophone* SKELETON: you cant...it's not- this is a mischaracterization perpetuated by the media
"
19676,"Why do breasts have nipples? Because without them they would be pointless.
"
24976,"My eyes are fine but I still failed my eye exams... I guess I shouldn't have copied off the asian guy.
"
35519,"Woman Goes Doctor Latvia Woman go to see doctor. Doctor shake head and say, """"Six more days life then die."""" Woman is feel sad. Woman asks, """"Is no thing I can take?"""" Doctor say, """"Food.""""
"
50341,"Girl was towelling her wet pussy, she enjoyed it and started rubbing it vigorously... Until the pussy cried MEOW and ran away. Always be kind to animals..!!
"
24213,"Ever notice how unaware people are of the world around them? No?
"
37631,"Why do 2 bit gamblers never win at blackjack ? Because they can only count to 3.
"
191284,"Why was the sacajawea coin made? because the Trail Of Tears had a toll booth.
"
143996,"What did the Sewage Worker say to his apprentice? Urine for a surprise. ^^^^^sorry
"
120118,"What's a vampire's favorite hobby?  In-grave-ing.
"
202160,"Never gonna be as big as ED BASSMASTER but alright with me! Never gonna be Never gonna be as big as ED!
"
119394,"North Korea
"
130592,"How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? When this gets 500 upvotes, I'll tell you the answer.
"
136240,"I'm like a midget with premature ejaculation I have a lot of shortcomings
"
166464,"dead baby jokes Q. whats more fun than spinning a dead baby around at 50mph? A. stopping it with a shovel.
"
97580,"What's the similarity between American beer and making love in a canoe? Fucking close to water
"
48160,"Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big? Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.
"
42957,"""""Dad I want to be a feminist when I grow up"""" """"Well, pick one honey, you can't do both""""
"
2222,"I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals... fucking livid
"
103122,"The difference between Christian wives and Jewish wives? Christian wives have fake jewelry and real orgasms.
"
146722,"What's the difference between a large pizza and a black man? The large pizza can feed a family of four.
"
27522,"Why was the programmer sexist? Because he treats women like objects. EDIT: phrasing
"
158335,"What did the gay paraplegic take for heartburn? Rolaids
"
36347,"What is Donald Trump telling Independents? Orange is the new black.
"
6298,"My corn tortillas want me to like them on Facebook. Fuck the future.
"
202059,"It doesn't matter how hard you think you are. When a toddler hands you their ringing toy cell phone, you'll still answer it.
"
178239,"Teacher: Johnny, use the words 'defeat"""", """"deduct"""" and """"detail"""" in a sentence. Johnny: Yes ma'am. """"Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail.""""
"
134780,"I was making love to this girl and she started  crying. I said """"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?"""" She  said """"No I hate myself now.""""
"
96036," Why did the snowman smile? Because the snowblower is coming.
"
214902,"Why does it say TRD on that Toyota truck? Because it's a turd!
"
191611,"What do you call sex with a black person? Beastiality.
"
53932,"Our family's annual tradition, as I put up the tree, everybody gathers around to watch my wife tell me I'm stringing the lights wrong.
"
172410,"Two muffins cooking in a oven One says """"fuck it's hot in here"""" the other says """"Holy shit, a talking muffin""""
"
167623,"My friend is getting a new car - a """"tangerine"""" ford focus. Dad drops this one... Tangerine focus... Isn't that the same as orange concentrate?
"
215152,"A German lands in Paris... Upon having his passport verified, the French officer asks him: -Occupation? -Oh, no no, just visiting!
"
40618,"Have you ever observed the depression cycle of a snail? It's pretty much a downward spiral.
"
138355,"I borrowed money from a pessimist because he doesn't expect me to pay him back
"
130906,"Why doesn't Trump like Google? Bing, bing, bing... (Source: The Daily Show, by Trevor Noah)
"
151562,"Boss: Got good news & bad news. Me: Ya? Him: I'm leaving for another job. Me: Ok..Whats the bad news? Him: .. Me: You planning to come back?
"
20798,"I am extremely offended by the song """"God is Dead"""" by Black Sabbath. How can Ozzy Osbourne possibly sing that? ...when Tony Iommi is standing right next to him, alive and well.
"
179417,"Whats a dentists favorite time of day? The time of day he get into his BMW to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day
"
215296,"What do you call a knight with a morning star? Don
"
182815,"Do you know how to catch a squirrel?  Climb a tree and act like a nut!
"
73608,"What's Chinese and climbs the Empire State Building? Ping Pong
"
55839,"People keep telling me that I have a higher chance of getting mugged in London than in New York. Well, what do they expect, I don't live in New York.
"
113056,"How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her like an alter boy.
"
108932,"I made a promise to a dying friend... ...that I'd stop making commitments.
"
107860,"""""If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-"""" *interrupting* haha, he said prick
"
11254,"Want a pudding pop? I don't give a fuck if you want it or not. Stop crying. You're gonna take this motherfucking pudding pop.
"
203448,"The name Pavlov Rings a bell
"
147541,"Why was the snow yellow? Elsa let it go!
"
192781,"I never make New Year's resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add """"This time I'm serious""""
"
79407,"Hi, I'm black and I really can't stand it when my white friend doesn't answer my calls. They say old habits die hard, but some habits never die.. Like the white men leaving us hanging
"
1433,"Your selfie would be way better if you weren't in it.
"
34673,"I can't even imagine how low the self esteem of fat, white women would be if skinny, black guys didn't exist.
"
209632,"Well well well if it isn't my old nemesis, long division.
"
175932,"What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it, but they'll get fired if they eat it!
"
41995,"Am I the only one who's concerned about the fact that we haven't heard SHIT from Wyoming in like nine years?
"
151962,"I'm having a party for men with erectile dysfunction If you can't come let me know.
"
28668,"If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
"
23394,"Werner Heisenberg's epitaph: Here lies Heisenberg. ^^^?
"
213647,"People who are afraid of pedophiles Need to grow up
"
37665,"Why can't you find any painkillers in the jungle? Because the Paracetomol
"
209586,"Marriage - Some days are just tough I look forward to those
"
134099,"What does an LGBT rabbi call a blessing? a brucea
"
181214,"Police men knock on the door..... Somebody knocks on door: Who is there? Police? What do you want? We want to talk. How many of you are there? Two. So talk with each other.
"
228338,"What did the physicist say when he tried to meditate? Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm, Ohmmmm...
"
16896,"Knock knock Who's there? Little old lady Little old lady who? I didn't know you could yodel!
"
66831,"IDK Blonde: """"What does IDK stand for?"""" Brunette: """"I don't know."""" Blonde: """"OMG, nobody does!""""
"
62422,"I don't know what I would do if I got to Greece... ...and couldn't get a single gyro.
"
61869,"Sure, Sally, I'll just buy one of your shells BY THE SEA SHORE. Oh, wait, here's one just laying here, you skank.
"
158611,"My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
"
109279,"The thing about suicides Q: What's worse than suicide? A: the life before it.
"
36125,"Did you hear about the guy who died from eating too many doughnuts? You could say... He went out in a glaze of glory (_) ( _)&gt;- (_)
"
109695,"What's it called when an oil rig makes an inappropriate joke? Crude humor.
"
132273,"Either people up north are getting friendlier or it's the spring-like weather because I was just told to """"please"""" go fuck myself.
"
131788,"I'd like to know the series of events leading up to the first guy discovering cows had milk in them
"
215429,"Wife:What is 10 years with me? Wife:What is 10 years with me? Husband:A second. Wife:What is $1000 for me? Husband:A coin. Wife: Ok give me a coin. Husband:Wait a second
"
47762,"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
"
166394,"TIL Michael Jackson was a huge GW Bush campaign contributor. He thought GW said """"Leave no child's behind""""
"
11591,"I sprayed a spider in my house with Axe, to try and kill it. But now it's name is Chad, and he's fucking my girlfriend...
"
208377,"I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
"
50481,"""""Grow a pear."""" - How to insult an apple tree
"
32121,"Oh, you hate your job? There's a support group for that. It's called """"Everybody"""", and we meet at the bar.
"
183942,"Have you heard the tagline for the new Ghostbusters movie? Now with 400% more bust!
"
186645,"""""I see your bet and raise you all my hair since 6th grade. Oh and this pen."""" """"Sir that's not- """"You got a problem with pens?""""
"
36150,"Two muffins sitting in an oven... The first turns to the other and says """"Holy shit, it's hot in here"""" The other exclaims """"Holy shit! A talking muffin!""""
"
199277,"I'm not racist but.. I saw a black guy running down the street with a TV and I thought """"that's mine"""" Then I realized mine is at home, polishing my shoes
"
227743,"Fun way to make someone question everything: comment """"you are so brave"""" on all their selfies.
"
67824,"*Judge raises hammer* """"I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE"""" -*defendant chuckles* """"I'm already alive you MORON!""""
"
68675,"What have Margret Thatcher and Jimmy Saville got in common?(NSFW) They both fucked miners(minors) in the 1980s
"
76495,"Home is the place where you can scratch your butt and balls exactly where it's itching
"
220540,"What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Artificial Swedeners
"
79634,"Your mama so fat that NASA thought they found a new planet Dad stop it.
"
15289,"Did you hear about that cheese factory that exploded in France?? There was nothing left but de Brie.
"
176936,"My mother says I look just like an animal when I'm in the bath - a little bear.
"
26734,"Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of herself saying """"Not looking good today"""" after deleting the first 50 pictures she took
"
40712,"If you were a pole I would dance all over you.
"
152854,"How did the Nazis come up with the name for their concentration camp? After the first Jew off the train said """"Awe shits.""""
"
163782,"I'd rather watch a four hour montage of old Russian men eating soup than have a toddler throw a tantrum in a Target.
"
115680,"What do you call a skinny person that identifies as obese? A trans fat
"
116987,"Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him? To see how long he slept.
"
30671,"What noise does a witch make when she's flyin around? BROOM BROOM BROOOOOOOM
"
102711,"What did one depressed saggy boob say to the other? We better get some support before people think we're nuts!
"
198091,"What's the best thing about finger blasting a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free
"
140906,"Women with pasts interest men... they hope history will repeat itself.
"
157155,"Why did the judge throw out Bram Stoker's lawsuit? His accusations weren't backed up by vampirical evidence
"
8714,"I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, """"How the hell did you get in here?""""
"
204736,"*is at the movies with hot date* *does fake yawn to put arm around her* *yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front* *dies*
"
222996,"My sister asked me if I was gay I couldn't give her a straight answer.
"
7968,"I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. """"Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?""""
"
22761,"Dolls teach girls very unrealistic body standards. A Russian doesn't have to have many tiny Russians inside her to be beautiful.
"
68625,"Why did the Muslim man let the air out of his sex doll? So he could blow it up again.
"
157467,"What's it called when a cow attempts to jump a barbed-wire fence? An udder disaster
"
180817,"A dyslexic optometrist diagnosed a patient with stigmata.
"
204227,"How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
"
208847,"I just saw a midget get pickpocketed... I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
"
59584,"I'm only human. And like all humans, I'm a fucking asshole.
"
90513,"What do you call a Macho Man Randy Savage that does not belong to you? &gt;Nacho Man Randy Savage!!!!! this is my original content!!!!
"
201325,"What person adds best in hot weather? A summer.
"
123348,"*Writes a song for you* *Sings it under your bedroom window* *You call the cops* *Your husband falls in love with me*
"
184790,"A woman asks a famous man to give her a signature on her breast. The famous man says """"Sorry, I don't know how to write that small.""""
"
179691,"Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
"
45531,"White jokes are not funny... unless they target a specific nationality
"
127098,"Wanna hear a pedophile joke? You're never to young to get it. :^)
"
212342,"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb 2, but don't ask me how they got in there.
"
23601,"Friends don't let friends talk about Pi Lest they become irrational.
"
5658,"Chemistry, ok. But soulmates? You'd think if our spirits were perfectly matched, they'd be comfortable at the same thermostat setting.
"
197840,"I don't want to perpetuate a fat girl stereotype, but this blow job could use a side of ranch.
"
134194,"Why did the priest go to the gym? For muscle mass. I thought of this one in the shower this morning.
"
101860,"A doctor enters a patients room and pulls out an anal thermometer from his pocket and says Damn. Some asshole has my pen.
"
37567,"A woman steps into a time machine She goes back 10 minutes so she can add less sugar.
"
224127,"The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.
"
218393,"How does Sean Connery shave? Ctrl+esh
"
153616,"""""Seamstress, you come pleat me."""" -Pants
"
79784,"Why did the farmer vivisect his daughter? He wanted to reverse cowgirl.
"
146805,"Dad how it feels to have a awesome son? Dad: Ask your grandma.
"
35396,"What do you call a well-endowed Asian man? Hung Lo
"
153650,"My uncle was an unusual man. Prosthetic legs, real feet. This is Steve Wright's joke, not mine
"
148920,"What if texting broke for a month society would be like uhhhhhjjjjjjhhhhhhhhhhh """"hello may I please speak to so and so"""" all nervous and shit
"
13923,"We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year. We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.
"
26740,"Q: What do you call a parrot that flew away? A: A polygon!
"
169524,"What do you get when you cross a black and a mexican? Someone who's too lazy to steal.
"
105560,"They should come out with a CSI Atlanta, with an all black cast. But each episode would be about finding who murdered the English language.
"
13792,"*smoke detector chirps* me*takes battery out* *chirp* me*cuts wires* *chirp* me*smashes it with a hammer* *chirp* wife:We have more than one
"
12965,"What keeps running and doesn't get tired? A Kenyan child.
"
127743,"POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR! What's the magic word? [Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
"
36120,"What does a house wear? Address!
"
73787,"How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2 . One to screw it in and another to say, """"I could do that"""".
"
84344,"Why didn't the stick of butter confess his feelings? Because somethings are butter left unsaid.
"
66363,"Hey, did you hear about that Coldplay concert in China? It was all yellow.
"
119011,"Apparently, """"Step up your game"""" isn't the correct response when your neighbour brings over fresh cookies, and your wife asks how they are.
"
68454,"why did abe lincoln get released from prison? because he's in a cent
"
52067,"Did you hear about the magician that turned his family into a 3-piece suite but couldn't change them back? They were rushed to hospital where staff described them as """"comfortable"""".
"
223505,"What's the difference between Valve and uranium? Uranium gets to its half-life on time.
"
90697,"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
"
130880,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Benny ! Bennny who ? Benny thing happening !
"
98097,"what happens if you drink 3.14 liters of water? you will Pi ss
"
111369,"We should hang out and stare at our phones.
"
111151,"I saw Kony kissing Santa Claus
"
58091,"What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
"
40718,"What do you call a horse that's a criminal? A Zebra.
"
15263,"Turkey Is going to get served very soon
"
149469,"Has the Supreme Court decided on Man v. Food yet?
"
203652,"Buying Muhammed dolls for charity, all prophets go to kids in need.
"
5423,"[first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] """"...& they all lived happily ever after"""" Customer: """"That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'""""
"
62937,"I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said """"No, the steaks are too high"""".
"
36345,"Yo mama cross-eyed and watches TV in stereo.
"
191395,"Why do ruler manufacturers make a big thing about them being shatterproof? Was there a ruler shattering epidemic that necessitated this?
"
24725,"TIL the Hindenburg fire wasn't caused by excess heat After all, it's not the heat, it's the humanity.
"
188772,"What do you call a seabird who's easily taken in? Gullible.
"
31633,"Instagram is the most pleasant social media site because it's really difficult to take ignorant, racist pictures of dogs & brunch
"
100507,"A teenage girl went to visit the doctor for her cough complaint. The doctor examined her with his stethoscope. 'Big breaths' he said. 'Yeah, and I am only thixteen' she replied.
"
228132,"What has walls, but no corners, and an opening, but is not a room? A vagina. Lol, top kek.
"
147129,"If Bernie doesn't get the nomination, I'm voting Trump... Also, if McDonalds is out of Chicken Nuggets, I'm going to eat 20 scorpions.
"
135330,"Croissants are just biscuits that studied abroad.
"
13471,"I used to supply filofaxes to the mafia I was involved in very organised crime
"
142725,"How many tickles does it take for an octopus to laugh? Tentickles.
"
180729,"It's pretty silly to be afraid of spiders when most of them have probably never answered a text message with a phone call.
"
41010,"My daughter told me she wanted a puppy for Christmas... I told her """"you're eating turkey like everyone else"""".
"
121417,"Do you know why one side of the the V formation of geese in flight is longer than the other side? Because It has more geese in it!
"
93669,"the doctors gnash their teeth and howl through the night, but they dare not breach the lines of my apple orchard
"
143172,"How to sink a submarine with 10 blondes in it? You knock on the door.
"
182614,"I've had enough of my wife. Thought the bloated cannibal.
"
58726,"My wife removed the """"G"""" key from our keyboard at home so I could appreciate the frustration associated with not hitting the spot.
"
85931,"How do hens encourage their football teams ? They egg them on !
"
144120,"How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb? Only Juan.
"
198036,"A worker named Dave is telling his boss about how he knows everyone A redditor confirms
"
213420,"How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches? Wi' jam in
"
84155,"What does a parliamentarian say when they're done masturbating? """"Beating adjourned.""""
"
96274,"All of Ariel's mer-sisters' names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
"
55098,"I just sneezed while eating a salad and the button popped off my jeans Which proves my theory: nothing good can ever come from eating salad
"
207166,"What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
"
75595,"What do you call a gnome that muffs a fairy ? Goblin....
"
96500,"I'm rockin the 'Barbie doll' look today. No, I didn't dye my hair blonde. I did 4 pushups and now I can't unbend my arms
"
129227,"I named my hard drive That Thang, so once a month my computer asks me if I want to Back That Thang Up.
"
77141,"Glockenspiel Germanic efficiency brought to the game of Russian roulette.
"
43017,"How do you call a blond who changed her hair color to brown? Artificial Intelligence!
"
220649,"Dear sleep, I know we had problems when I was younger, but now I love you.
"
134123,"How can you tell a blonde is having a really bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil!
"
103581,"What do you call Murayan Sukumaran's new wife? A necrophiliac.
"
118759,"Bill Cosby likes his women like he doesn't like his computer Not responding.
"
26819,"Virginity Dad: You stole my daughter's Virginity! Man: Sorry sir, Won't happen again!
"
170369,"You know, not all Italians are in the mafia. Some are in the Witness Protection Program.
"
188833,"What do you get when you cross the CIA and the Republican Party? Shot in the head in Dallas.
"
64260,"LPT: Always know what subreddit you are posting in
"
49645,"[me as a cop] Me: Mrs Hill? Woman: yes Me: it's Ms Hill now Woman: huh Me: ur husbands dead Woman: h-how? Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
"
111744,"Did you hear about the man who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the Nobel prize.
"
127259,"Friend: If Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, Nickelback, and Creed all died in a plane crash who would you miss the most? Me.. F... M.. F.. Me: the pilot
"
103344,"Frolicking: The act of licking afros.
"
88230,"I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I'll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
"
139469,"I'm going to name my dog """"Syndrome"""". Whenever he jumps on someone, I can yell, """"Down Syndrome!"""".
"
206009,"What is the smallest book in history? French War Victories.
"
192298,"Saw a black man run down the street with a flatscreen under his arm At first i thought it was mine, but then i remembered that mine was chained in my backyard picking cotton
"
29762,"I eat my pop tarts frozen like the vikings used to have them.
"
47676,"I don't understand why Christians don't like gay people After all, Jesus was a famous cross-dresser.
"
76261,"Whenever I'm feeling low, I grab a pen.. and I write something joyful and happy to lift my spirits. Today I'm writing my bosses obituary.
"
51489,"Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers! *thinks about not having to pause TV or games* *orders some*
"
179480,"My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much But in the end it doesn't even matter
"
220522,"I hate when I take a nap on a park bench and everyone assumes I homeless. People with houses get tired, too.
"
93917,"My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
"
172422,"Two words:
"
14102,"[Heaven] Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You're here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL Me: Too soon...
"
85724,"Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too.
"
167431,"Last night, I was sitting next to a hot girl at the bar... ...and all I could think was, """"Don't get an erection, don't get an erection, don't get an erection..."""" But she did.
"
77930,"I only wash my hands when other dudes are in the bathroom.
"
119682,"[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting] I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
"
105039,"Kleptomaniacs really don't understand jokes Because they always takes things literally.
"
93228,"Which course did Hillary Clinton select when playing Mario Kart? The short circuit
"
171741,"Friendly Competition my girlfriend and i often laugh about how competitive we are. but i laugh more :)
"
191245,"Help! I need someone. Help! Not just anyone. I have this internal monologue of music that won't stop playing.
"
231631,"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an ass? Donald Trump's tie.
"
31541,"Jesus loves you is comforting to hear in church, but terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison.
"
156839,"What's the hardest thing about rollerblading? Having to tell your parents that you're gay.
"
98169,"I literally use figuratively in literally every occasion where I am literally speaking figuratively.
"
4072,"Two cannibals are eating a math teacher. Another approaches, and asks.. """"Hey, can I have sum?""""
"
164813,"In Seattle, there's a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
"
173838,"Also, kids? Don't DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don't work like that. & we're not that dumb.
"
125943,"You know how Brussels sprouts and anal sex are kinda the same?? If you're forced to have it as a kid, you probably won't like it as an adult
"
43372,"Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
"
174961,"Loving someone who doesn't love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on. The more it hurts.
"
92636,"How can you tell when your girlfriend is getting fat? When she can fit into your wife's clothes.
"
118352,"A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they're naughty.
"
27058,"Have you ever seen the movie called """"Constipated""""? Well it never came out.
"
154543,"Due to my obsessive reading I have a wonderful vocabulary of words I can't use in conversation, because I don't know how to pronounce them.
"
112008,"Haters gonna hate. Potatoes gonna potate. Waiters gonna wait. Aligators gonna aligate.
"
196238,"A man was found with his dick in a peanut butter jar... He was fucking nuts.
"
59497,"What is a pedophile music teacher's favorite chord? A minor.
"
216845,"Will a rabbi charge a lot for circumcisions? No. He just keeps the tips.
"
175118,"How does a Mexican know when he's hungry? His ass stops burning.
"
160171,"Did you hear about that new movie """"Constipation?!"""" It still hasn't come out!
"
204821,"What's the difference between a Japanese person and a cannibal? One eats Ramen, the other eats Raw Men
"
90604,"This fat hate on reddit has been ridiculous lately. Come on, give them a break. They have enough on their plates already.
"
1707,"Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
"
4768,"Read more Apple jokes
"
13271,"Girls dont dress up to impress guys. We dress up to impress other girls. If we wanted to impress guys we would just run around naked all day
"
41871,"Reddit is a lot like my fridge. I check it constantly, even though I know nothing has changed.
"
123561,"Why did the Naval Inspector fail the submarine? Because he found it to be SUB-standard.
"
128709,"Your mom doesn't understand Your dad doesn't understand Your friends don't understand But french fries, french fries understand you
"
195424,"What do you call the space in between Pamela Anderson's breasts? **Silicon Valley**
"
158457,"So important your wife knows you're petting the dog when she hears you say """"you're getting a little chunky""""
"
160125,"My buddy David lost his id so now I just call him Dave.
"
140993,"Telling people my costume is Obama's birth certificate. If they say I have no costume, I fucking explain the facts to that racist fuckbag.
"
182775,"I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
"
225038,"How do you make the best Harlem Shake video? You throw a flashbang into a room of epileptic children.
"
60790,"A: My dog had a nose surgery - B: How does he smell? A: Terrible!
"
117090,"Did you hear Burger King is promoting a black Whopper? McDonalds responded by introducing a 3/5ths pounder.
"
199296,"I actually have to see a specialist for daily sex. I mean dyslexia.
"
91788,"The """"Parmesan"""" cheese in the USA is an abomination of the original. Start buying parmigiano reggiano and make America grate again.
"
147738,"What's the difference between a violin and a fiddle? You can't violin with the electric meter
"
209887,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Cain ! Cain who ? Cain you tell !
"
133554,"I've just got back from a funeral of a friend who was killed after being hit in the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
"
230336,"A redditor walks into a bar... """"All of our servers are busy right now. Try again later.""""
"
110011,"Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be called bagels.
"
231202,"How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb? Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.
"
442,"Put the punchline in the title. How do you piss off a redditor?
"
33469,"I once slept through a burglary. Next thing I know they're taking mugshots.
"
188183,"How do you confuse a blonde? Paint yourself green and throw bananas at her.
"
142856,"After nine years of being together, I finally got down on one knee. And begged her to take it up the arse.
"
47374,"I heard netflix is going to start putting ads in the middle of shows Netflix and shill
"
118891,"You know you're old when... ...what were we talking about?
"
17140,"Yoda is telling a joke to the Jedi Council... """"Why was six afraid of seven?"""" he asks. Everyone remains silent, and he says: """"Because nine seven eight!""""
"
222741,"""""This is the bomb!!!"""" --'90s terrorist
"
136912,"The cool thing about being happy is you get to live in crippling fear that it will all go away soon
"
175775,"Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway
"
152289,"My mom asked if i would stop singing Wonderwall by Oasis... I said """"Maybe"""".
"
230209,"Why couldn't Mozart find his mentor? Because he was Haydn
"
196328,"What do blacks and bikes have in common? They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.
"
211218,"What did you hear about the tree who was in love? He pined everyday.
"
90587,"Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field
"
56368,"Little Girl: """"Mom I want to be a Redditor when i grow up"""" Mom: """"Well pick one sweetie, you can't do both""""
"
179629,"Cow tipping is a myth. Cattle rarely tip even when the service is good.
"
12938,"I used to be into infantalism... I eventually grew out of it.
"
79781,"My 5 year old brother said """"when I'm older I won't have a GF, I'll live on my own like my big brother"""" YEAH CAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY A CHOICE
"
64128,"What's the difference between an Elephant and a post box? Well, if you don't know I'm definitely not asking you to mail this letter for me.
"
47515,"Did you hear about the pathological liar who went to see the doctor for constipation? He was full of shit
"
139722,"Why did the cook go to jail? He was caught beating the egg
"
78171,"Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.
"
1723,"What do you call a Jew with a pH lower than 7? ....hasidic I'll let myself out now. I know that was matzo good...
"
2850,"Fun fact, clown fish are edible. But be forewarned, they taste funny.
"
167961,"What did Tiger Woods' dad tell him on his death bed? """"Just concentrate on golf and fuck everything else""""
"
134659,"What's big and gray and comes in quarts? An elephant
"
36620,"TIL TIL means TIL
"
81948,"If sexual harassment is wrong, I don't want to be caught.
"
49637,"Guys, share your most ridiculous ideas Successful women
"
10708,"A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
"
162296,"Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal - decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
"
229070,"Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle? Nobody can.
"
32543,"How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan
"
217043,"You haven't lived until you've tried to make a bed and the sheets get caught by a ceiling fan and destroy all lamps in the room
"
82060,"Are you a guitar? Because I want to wrap my hands around your neck.
"
185700,"A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.
"
31981,"Poor Sally! Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms. Knock knock (who's there? ) Not Sally. Where did Sally go when the bomb went off? Everywhere.
"
144172,"Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
"
127888,"Why would the Higgs Boson feel unsafe in a country where the leader openly practiced genocide? It would be a land of mass-murder
"
48874,"A man walks up to three old ladies. He flashes them his penis. The first two ladies immediatly had a stroke. The third one didn't dare touch it.
"
119007,"Britain's got pretty racist since the referendum; I was behind a Latvian couple in Tesco yesterday and the lady behind the checkout asked if they wanted any help packing...
"
92060,"I'm on a whiskey diet I've lost three days already.
"
212001,"Remember, guys, every day is a gift. Filled with unreturnable things you didn't ask for and don't want.
"
150526,"Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I'll fol- Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
"
96988,"I'm so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
"
204913,"What's more horrifying than finding a stack of dad's playboys in the basement? Realising one of them's still breathing.
"
158465,"Who has two thumbs and looks an awful lot like Alec Baldwin? Alec Baldwin
"
214835,"No arms no legs What do you call a Mexican prostitute who has no arms and no le/
"
204652,"Why did the clown go to the doctor? Because he felt funny. (I can't take credit for this joke, my boss's 8y/o son came up with it.)
"
143604,"Rick Astley will let you borrow any DVD from his Disney Pixar collection, except one.
"
7051,"What do you call a cross between a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye
"
146430,"How does a redneck find a sheep in his field? Sexy.
"
112598,"The only way for America to not fuck up in the next election. Vote for Bill Clinton. Left the nation with national Surplus, and he got his dick sucked doing it.
"
14603,"If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
"
226488,"When cooking, I sometimes talk to my knife. I talk to it about my current life situations. The knife tells me I'm crazy. It tends to be pretty sharp about these things, so I guess it has a point.
"
35698,"Did you know condoms have serial numbers? Oh, I guess you've never rolled one down far enough.
"
173555,"Why were there only 3,000 Mexicans at The Alamo? They only had 4 cars.
"
186135,"(Male-related)When I have a double stream, is there something obstructing the penis? or is it just being a dick?
"
222804,"Chuck norris...enough said There used to be a street near the school called Chuck Norris street, but they had to change the name, because no one crosses chuck norris and lives
"
36269,"Who do they bring in if the stand up comedian dies during the show? A stand in comedian
"
149772,"What do you find in the filing cabinets of a law firm? Organised crime.
"
62870,"Max has 40 cookies, and decides to eat 34 of them. What does Max have now? Diabetes.
"
211151,"Everyone keeps telling me that I'm condescending. It means I talk down to people.
"
118225,"Me: I can't live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier. Also Me: I couldn't decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
"
214533,"50,000 battered women a year... And I still eat mine plain!
"
192297,"Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says """"Previously on wasted potential...""""
"
14183,"My Dad had the eye of the tiger ...and a life time ban from the national zoo
"
106571,"Roses are red, violets are blue...valentine's crap is over now don't you have some ironing to do?
"
4041,"What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley Davidson? The vacuum has the dirtbag on the inside.
"
178149,"Wanna watch Netflix in H? I'll give you the D later.
"
156503,"""""Sorbet"""" is a French word that means, """"I wish it was ice cream.""""
"
183961,"Why is it so hard for men to get on Christian Mingle? Only women get a """"SUBMIT"""" button.
"
204710,"How do you spell """"nose"""" is Spanish? nose
"
155450,"I'm just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
"
97722,"Why was Albert Einstein's dad afraid to teach him vowels? Because everytime he tried, he kept owing his son money!
"
63827,"This year for Lent, I'm giving up
"
115629,"What do you call a slutty midget? A tator thot.
"
67302,"Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
"
93764,"Taken 4: Liam Neeson's daughter is kidnapped again. He calls up kidnappers and says """"just keep her. She's annoying and I'm tired of this""""
"
55730,"A nice buttocks. A *great* butt listens.
"
153156,"Then God said, come fourth john, for you will have eternal life... But john came Fifth and won a free toaster
"
198832,"I ordered a little salad before my meal and my body started to twitch. I told my waiter, but I forgot I ordered the seizure salad.
"
138325,"1st Date Me: Just warning you. I get freaky. Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.? Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
"
61532,"Spoiler Alert: Ladies ,if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear it has a Camera in it.
"
191697,"""""Dude, this game is like your mom."""" """"Dude, this game is just like your mom."""" """"How so?"""" """"It's really easy.""""
"
127234,"A girl called me the other day and said """"Come on over, there's nobody home!"""" I went over. Nobody was home.
"
206747,"Open Mike Night sounded like a lot of fun... ... Until I realized I'd been invited to an autopsy
"
57542,"What's a pirates favorite type of thread? Yaaaaarn.
"
20878,"Why does an elephant wear sneakers ? So that he can sneak up on mice !
"
228472,"Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
"
114290,"I didn't think it was funny when I first wrote this one... I gair aunty this is gonna be five steps removed from swishing nebraskan listerine on a gold claim. ...I was right.
"
79180,"Why did the lollipop cross the road? ... Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.
"
170192,"Did you hear the one about the baseball player murdered mid-game? He went down swinging!
"
126257,"Yea autocorrect....I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks. Perfect
"
186323,"The town i grew up in was so small... we had drivers-ed and sex-ed in the same car.
"
69318,"Black people! Guns! Police officers.
"
133499,"What do you call a man who supports women's sports? A sports brah
"
94210,"What is written on Ronald McDonald's gravestone? McRIP
"
214518,"What do tigers wear in bed ? Stripey pyjamas !
"
62650,"What was so special about Bounty's new line of paper towels? nothing they were tearable.
"
31328,"An Irishman walks out of a pub.
"
7154,"What do you call it when fish stop having babies? Minnow-pause
"
141348,"America has to stop all this violence overseas so we can focus on doing nothing to stop violence back here in America.
"
13927,"I found out how to make my penis 16 inches I Fold mine in half
"
62048,"I owe my life to Nickelback I got in a horrible car crash and was in 6 month coma. Then the nurse switched the song to Nickelback. I woke up and muted it.
"
206693,"I got caught stealing paint. I thought I hid it pretty well, but I was caught red handed.
"
129244,"What is the dumbest animal in the jungle? A polar bear
"
125224,"I hate when my phone corrects """"hood morning"""" to good morning. Maybe I meant hood morning. Maybe some thug shit has happened today.
"
229629,"A wise man once said cheez doodles were better than cheetos, but his opinion was biased.
"
119479,"Cheated on Twitter with my real life today.
"
202446,"I don't know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.
"
3963,"What did one fish say to another fish after Eve had her first bath? Great, now we smell like woman.
"
224987,"How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ? He has cat-arrh !
"
134191,"What did the writing utensil take for his high sugar level? Pencil-in.
"
11708,"Too sick to walk to the drugstore. Anyone have a recipe for turning meth back into cold medicine?
"
182813,"Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
"
100332,"Drugs, is not the answer unless the question is why are you eating spaghetti with your hands.
"
216479,"Did you hear about the guy with a fetish for public transportation? He got off at every stop.
"
75301,"If you are an American in the living room, what are you in the bathroom? You're peein'
"
161116,"As my friend Joe's last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
"
54251,"I like my women like I like my steak pink in the middle but not bleeding.
"
184853,"What's better than winning a silver medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded
"
21754,"Dyslexic zombies crave Brians.
"
114397,"I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lenses.
"
178136,"I really really really really clearly am not a PC type of gal but I'm a little weirded out at the oriental dressing option on my flight
"
10567,"Why did the guitarist get thrown in jail? He was caught fingering A Minor.
"
168982,"9 out of 10 dentists agree: the 10th dentist is a dog, not a dentist. the 10th dentist argues that dogs can b dentists too
"
49079,"Mary had a little sheep and with the sheep she went to sleep. The sheep turned out to be a ram so Mary had a little lamb.
"
31432,"SON: what ya reading? DAD: a huge book on podiatry SON: how long is it? DAD: it's about a foot
"
116074,"Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
"
50175,"My boss told me, """"you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"""" I replied, """"I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track""""
"
35323,"I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
"
70690,"Q- How many billionaires does it take to make Batman A- Three. Two to die and one to never get over it. I heard this in the game Arkham Knight
"
104924,"As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
"
138115,"I need a volunteer to test Stockholm syndrome. Any takers? Edit: This is a dumb joke...
"
77923,"Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner.
"
4887,"Weighed myself. Did elliptical for 30 minutes. Weighed myself. Half a pound heavier. Never exercising again.
"
108454,"If Donald Trump enacts a law saying baby strollers cannot be more than twice the width of the babies in them, I will vote for him in 2020.
"
99720,"How do you offend a vegan? Cover your ears with your hands
"
161189,"Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
"
41231,"What do you find in a rythmic bakery? A-bun-dance
"
12834,"""""I don't care how goodlooking you are if you don't have any brains."""" -Zombies
"
77308,"[goes to museum of fine art] """"Just how fine can this art be, anyway"""" [sees a vase in a thong] """"oh damn""""
"
115937,"What asks no question but demands an answer? A doorbell or a ringing telephone.
"
5566,"Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people. ^im ^so ^sorry
"
140232,"My actual wife and my twitter wife are talking via Kik. I will be camping in the woods forever if you need me.
"
18128,"JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life. LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder. JUDGE: Oh, then you're free to go.
"
184877,"TIL you can fit 30 bananas in a Kangaroo's pouch. Also, I'm not allowed at the zoo anymore.
"
108226,"My Wife walked in on me having sex with our daughter. I dont know what she was more angry about, me having sex with our daughter or that the abortion clinic let me keep the foetus
"
91945,"What time is it in Ireland when someone farts too much? Two-forty (use an Irish accent)... It's two-farty
"
186669,"To the people who don't like me... suck it. To the people that do like me... same thing. 
"
117560,"What do you call a room full of psychics? A scam!
"
41939,"How many goals did Germany score? A brazillian
"
159693,"I play Jenga on the first date... so she knows my pull out games strong
"
182569,"Why did the gingers shoe break Because it had no sole.
"
124745,"A 4 year old boy examined his testicles... while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet', she replied
"
3869,"How do you get to the front page of reddit ? Lack of originality
"
134718,"Doctor, doctor, I keep suffering from halucinations that I'm the brightest star in the night sky. Surely, you can't be Sirius.
"
73671,"Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers. Me: *does """"the divorce papers"""" in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY
"
129923,"What's your ring tone? Pinkish with a bit of brown.
"
128847,"What's the difference between a hipster and a homeless man? An Instagram account.
"
226737,"I think that's enough coffee. I can hear my cells dividing.
"
110648,"I can make a movie with my hand. All it takes is a FLICK of the wrist!
"
131412,"UHD TVs are going to be obsoleted next year by the new standard: DBZ It has a a vertical resolution that is over 9000.
"
144553,"You shouldn't tell vegans to suck a dick. Semen is an animal product.
"
112812,"I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with a pocket knife and the contents of a woman's purse.
"
221346,"How is it called when you get a blowjob from Oliver Queen? arrow head
"
164299,"Q: What did a blind boy's parent's do to punish him? A: Rearranged the furniture
"
40146,"My mom laughed when I said me and my brother Al were gonna build a car out of tacos... You should have seen her face when I drove Al pastor.
"
219782,"I think someone just called me a """"beach""""... But I can't be shore.
"
223091,"What do you call a whistle-blower in a blizzard Edward Snowed-in
"
146675,"I like how politicians always address us like we are positive, civic-minded, motivated people. I think we're all a bunch of fat jerks.
"
85459,"Some guy said I wear as much makeup as a clown so I'm under his bed with a knife. That's what clowns do, right?
"
165219,"Q: Why did Mitt Romney feed his cows money? A: He wanted rich milk.
"
1884,"I asked a Jewish girl for her number... She rolled up her sleeve
"
122417,"""""Say something I dare you"""" probably isn't the best attitude to have at work.
"
10016,"Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone? She thought children should be seen and not herded!
"
164876,"The best joke about vampires EVER Just kidding. They all suck.
"
19566,"I just had to add """"velociraptor"""" to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
"
70933,"What do you call 5 black people having sex? A threesome
"
183049,"What's the wisest kind of modeling putty? Play-toh.
"
44521,"Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
"
53358,"Pedophiles lobby for slower speed limits at school zones
"
10673,"Someone tweeted today that they were """"29-ish"""" and I didn't know you could """"ish"""" 15 years.
"
46561,"I'm a shy little Pebble.... I wish to be a little Bolder
"
152235,"What do bisexuals use for transportation? Bicycles.
"
76025,"i don't think that was a chocolate chip.
"
207593,"Wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard, """"Actually sir, we have you on camera.""""
"
208345,"""""What's a karate experts favorite drink?"""" """"Karatea!"""" Fargo is the shit...
"
208443,"*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate Him: U started your diet, didn't u
"
138473,"Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let's see what else is lying around first.
"
203251,"Why does Dr Pepper come in a can? Because his wife left him.
"
123356,"What's the difference between Hitler and a marathon runner? The marathon runner can successfully finish a race
"
33282,"Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn't love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I'd be impressed.
"
61771,"How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the parachute? When the leash goes slack.
"
65126,"Date me? You can't afford the maintenance to keep me. Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria's Secret, and bail money.
"
156279,"What happens if you don't pay after an exorcism? You'll get repossessed!
"
76463,"Who likes bad jokes What do you get when you crash a ford focus with a ford fiesta. A ford fusion
"
171794,"Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
"
47541,"Just worked out for the first time in a year. Feels good to be back in shape.
"
47340,"Why did the grammar nazi request someone else's tombstone to be placed on his grave? He was a big fan of transferred epitaph.
"
218667,"Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems
"
82000,"When can you tell your waitress is having a bad day? When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
"
193911,"Are you a car with the windows rolled up on a scorching hot summer day? Because I want to put a baby inside you.
"
37121,"Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
"
115675,"Why was the ink happy? Because it had its in-de-pen-dance. I'm posting lots of really bad jokes tonight that just appear in my head, if just one person enjoys just one joke is worth it, good evening.
"
13651,"Yea, let's do that Old bull and young bull are enjoying a snack atop of hill one morning, and the young bull shouts 'let's run down there and fuck all these heifers!' Old bull replies ' let's walk'
"
58774,"Hello I'm Janardhan and I just had sex with a hedgehog. It was a little prickly at first but then I stopped masturbating and just went for it.
"
135814,"Did you hear about the bad pizza? It was a Peace'a'shit
"
183570,"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7 They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles The Ninja Turtles corner him Mario jumps on them all
"
118792,"How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but the real question is how they got in there.
"
174072,"How is evolution and a Union construction job similar? They take so long that some people don't believe they don't work.
"
194788,"Did you know that milk is the fastest liquid on earth? It's pasteurized before you can even see it.
"
23478,"What's the difference between a vegetarian and a virgin? A vegetarian doesn't like meat and a virgin doesn't know yet if she likes meat or not.
"
117711,"How do you know a black man has been on your computer. It's not there.
"
137883,"Man, this one always cracks me up... ...you know, the No. 17 one.
"
228609,"What do you call a Russian Lizard? Commie commie commie commie chameleon.
"
197982,"How did the stem cell break it to his girl? It's not you; it's me*iosis* Could probably do with some work on deliver as I made it 5 minutes ago
"
222286,"I was on a date with a girl at the cinema. We both put our hands into the popcorn at the same time, so to make it less awkward, I said, """"Don't worry, that's not the one I masturbate with.""""
"
186138,"What do you call it when a chickpea gets killed? Hummuside
"
97740,"What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus
"
60553,"ME: Too much turkey makes me so tired HER: Actually, it makes you sleepy, not tired ME: I'm getting real sleepy of your shit, Debra
"
99911,"'What I'm about to say is extremely important!!' -Drunk people
"
73742,"What Did The Egg Say To the Boiling Water? I just got laid by a chick, its gonna take me a while to get hard.
"
78423,"What is a cannibal's favorite food at the county fair? Chili con Carny.
"
12340,"What did the zombie body builder say? GAINSSS!!!
"
198609,"Why do blondes wear underwear? To keep their ankles warm.
"
231099,"she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
"
195829,"To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?
"
137702,"[Seance] *knock, knock* ME: Wh-who's there? [ouija board spells out A-T-C-H] ME: atch who? [spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U] ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
"
196032,"If Trump was in any political party... He'd be in the Whig party
"
77310,"When choosing a bottle of wine, it's good to pick one with a picture of the animal you'd most like to get drunk with on the label.
"
81378,"[NSFW] Why was the Pedophile depressed? Because he couldn't fit in
"
132726,"I saw a man at the beach going """"Help! Shark! Help!"""" I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.
"
154913,"I like my woman just like my cucumbers Pickled
"
120336,"A son asks his dad, """"What's the difference between a boy and a girl?"""" His dad answers, """"Well, there's a vas deferens!""""
"
145539,"My dogs are barking a lot lately but I think it is because their performance appraisals are coming up
"
41418,"This orange juice says shake well before drinking. *shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
"
221068,"Trump's first act as president Gives away the First Lady's job to an immigrant. #ThanksDonald
"
140222,"Why did the feminist fail algebra? She couldn't solve inequalities.
"
207122,"The world is so full of double standards... A woman tris to sleep with every guy she sees and she's a slut. I try to do that and all of the sudden I'm 'gay' and not allowed in Toys 'R' Us anymore.
"
140891,"I don't like to go to funerals I'm just not a mourning person.
"
174714,"The time you really begin to envy your cat Monday morning.
"
74829,"What's the difference between Mic Jagger and a Scotsman? Mic Jagger says """"Hey you, get off of my cloud"""". A Scotsman says """"Hey, McLeod! Get off of my ewe!""""
"
101468,"People need to stop acting like animals have the same emotions as humans... ...they hate it when we do that.
"
19811,"You breed dogs? Don't they do that on their own?
"
218687,"What's better than roses around your piano? Tulips around your organ! Ba dum bum chhhhhhh.
"
89202,"Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom? Defendant: no Lawyer: spell """"ICUP"""" Defendant: I-C-U-P Judge: *softly* omg Jury: *whispering*
"
145744,"[first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in """"It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin""""
"
35970,"I don't need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends I can be certain of.
"
80888,"Why is Darth Vader's helmet so phallic? ...because when they hid Luke &amp; Leia from him, they removed his force kin.
"
176831,"Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
"
116525,"A textile worker tried to come up with a new original joke. But they ran out of material.
"
208065,"Might stand on a construction site looking at blue prints today and see what happens.
"
28306,"Jews would love to believe in Santa.. ..but they're not fans of anybody that keeps a list with peoples names on it.
"
177006,"A1 Use this punchline to create a weird, funny tone... """"Listen, we need to sit down and have a long, hard, and possibly phallic conversation.""""
"
13985,"Why don't women wear skirts in the winter? Ever try and peel apart a cold grilled cheese sandwich?
"
153930,"How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.
"
213475,"Daffy-nition for indefinitely... .... ... Indefinitely (adv.) In  def  in  it  lee .... .... .... When your balls are slapping up against her ass you're in definitely!
"
156137,"Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
"
41325,"One of these days, I'm going to go fishing for complements. I hope I catch some peanut butter and jelly.
"
67045,"I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, """"Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver"""".
"
216776,"4yo: You're a good dad. Me: Thanks. 4yo: You'd be better if you said yes more. Me: Okay. 4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
"
79278,"What did the surfer say to David Carradine? Hang tight
"
191258,"Why doesn't anyone care about the plot in porn? Because, nobody appreciates good friction anymore.
"
216375,"What's the difference between Trump and cancer? Cancer killed Jobs
"
10203,"Boyfriend calls me Gluteal Myalgia because he thinks I'm too dumb to understand what it means. Let's see how he likes the name Microphallus
"
115320,"A group of people were yelling at me in the movie theater. It got so loud I had to take my phone call outside.
"
209880,"Two things went wrong today 1. My Wife got ran over by a bus 2. I lost my job at the bus company
"
74395,"Why do lesbians hate Nutella? Because it's not nut-free
"
186577,"Yo mama is so old that her bus pass is in  hieroglyphics!!
"
91223,"Went to the zoo last week and all they had was one animal and it was a dog... It was a shih tzu.
"
91387,"My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo's Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He's gonna die out there.
"
129075,"What did Santa say when big old fat uncle Alfred came round to chat? Nice to *sleigh* you!
"
187308,"I want to start an irritable bowel support group called fecal matters
"
61879,"I met a Wheelchair user yesterday. He's a stand up guy.
"
109730,"My wife put on her panty hose backward... So I chewed her ass out.
"
17188,"What is H20 Made out of? 20 hydrogen atoms.
"
114928,"My friend just joined ISIS I was always bothered by his Sunni disposition
"
42241,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Mayweather won
"
91240,"What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools? A fruit stand.
"
61388,"How does a girl in West Virginia know when her mama is on the rag? Her daddy's dick tastes funny
"
92301,"My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
"
144484,"When I die... When I die, I hope it is peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in horror like his passengers.
"
63521,"In German, the imperative is formed by opening your mouth and speaking German.
"
188283,"How do you get down from a horse? You don't. You get down from a duck.
"
138747,"We were promised flying cars and instead all we got were magic glowing rectangles to access all the world's knowledge :(
"
40854,"Why being called handsome is an insult When you have a 3 way, it's called a threesome When you have a 2 way, it's called a twosome When you have a 1 way, it's called a handsome
"
196010,"My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
"
221151,"I tried to teach my penis how to type... but he's just a hunt and pecker.
"
63158,"If asked 'Whats up?' respond 'An animated film about the journey of a boy & an old man' then wink & fly away carried by hundreds of balloons
"
60998,"What does an Alabama prostitute give her family? A discount!
"
15797,"What's the best score you can get on a test? """"Not Pregnant""""
"
96694,"I'd say go to hell, but I don't want to see you again.
"
198226,"Karma is like 69: """"You get, what you give
"
66483,"What's the name of that movie about the war horse? War Biscuit
"
27753,"What did the retail employee say to the young gang member in the fitting room? You dont fit in the hood kid.
"
164986,"My friends keep telling me to stop making jokes about Linkin Park But I just ignore them because in the end, it doesn't even matter
"
216187,"My reaction when i found out oxygen and magnesium are dating O Mg
"
196787,"Young boy at christmas : haha I got more presents then you !! Sister replied : Haha ! At least I dont have AIDS XD
"
20487,"The other day a Swedish man called me a racist and a believer of stereotypes... So Ikea'd his car.
"
196921,"Driving I hate when I'm driving at a reasonable fucking speed and some asshole behind me is frantically trying to get around me. Oh you have to go put out a fire? We all have places to go buddy.
"
177408,"[sees girl reading The Bible] """"Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls.""""
"
133912,"Why do asian women like white men so much? Because they don't wanna look at themselves, when they have sex.
"
78750,"What's the best song to send to your father on Father's Day? *I'm Glad You Came*
"
20111,"One horribly inappropriate comment and you'll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
"
119781,"Called my Doctor, in a panic, serious difficulty """"passing"""" urine. Turns out, it's just that I drive a shitty mini-van.
"
152066,"Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
"
80461,"Matt Schaub and Eli Manning walk into a bar. What happened? They order a beer sampler and the bartender tells them to pick 6.
"
209955,"Nice try, self check out lanes. There's not even any mirrors.
"
62487,"It sucks that Mary and Joseph couldn't get a room at an inn..... but what were they expecting not having a reservation on Christmas Eve of all nights!
"
21874,"My parents just googled me and now they're crying
"
222171,"I would tell all of you my favorite chemistry joke... ...but I don't expect to get any reaction.
"
13266,"Welcome to Ulterior Motors where our goal is to sell you a car and definitely not anything else
"
118068,"Boss """"Are you high?"""" If I was high could I do this? *opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
"
186601,"What South American dance do cows like to do?  The Rump-a
"
177741,"I asked Rihanna where Chris Brown was She just shrugged her shoulders. """"Beats me!""""
"
34660,"What is the difference between a dead hooker and an onion? You cry when you cut up the onion.
"
142181,"Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions? Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.
"
120353,"There are two types of girls; girls who are fat and girls who think they are fat.
"
211983,"What is Adam's brother called? Subtractem
"
51289,"How is /r/jokes like sex? I don't get it.
"
46919,"What would be a good title for an Indian porno? Thank You, Cum Again
"
44431,"How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? """"What kind of answer did you have in mind?"""" Two one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done  within the given budget.
"
131224,"How many contortionists fit in the trunk of a regular sedan? Depends on the size of the pieces.
"
86757,"Why did the cat put the letter """"M"""" into the fridge ? Because it turns """"ice"""" into """"mice"""" !
"
22243,"What did the cow say when she saw the Dalmatian? Dam... I got to get in shape!
"
46772,"TIFU Up is my horse
"
84490,"ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining? [A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]
"
106701,"I told my wife I was going to start collecting rare watches... She wondered how I would find the time.
"
73227,"I had sex last night... Her: You don't have AIDS, right? Me: Of course not, why? Her: Oh thank goodness! I got it last time and it really sucked.
"
107102,"So a jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a bar... And the bartender says, """"what is this, some kind of joke?""""
"
124817,"Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear
"
2627,"After viewing The Aristocrats, What are Redditors version of this joke. Surely this place can come up with some pretty dirty shit for this one.
"
3573,"I dont know if this is old but anyway What would you rate hitlers invasion of poland I personally would rate it nein out of ten Thankyou goodnight
"
44968,"How do you know a joke is a repost? It's on the front page
"
100021,"You know what I don't get? Laid.
"
29516,"[reading Harry Potter] Me: Do you know what's going on? 3-year-old: He went to lizard school. I'd correct her, but her version is better.
"
47850,"I like how Subway sells """"healthy footlong"""" sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you're eating it by the foot.
"
162290,"What do young female monsters do at parties ? They go around looking for edible bachelors !
"
104491,"[after tee ball game] Wife: we brought snacks for the kids. Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
"
197648,"I think the funnest part of a prostate exam is when I fake an orgasm.
"
24814,"Will Apple ever release a product that lasts for more than a few years? iDoubtit
"
160606,"9 out of 10 dentists will agree to anything you want them to for 100 bucks.
"
162128,"Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss? Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why? Cop:Lol, nevermind
"
52714,"Can't help but think if I hadn't eaten that baby corn in 2001 it would now be teenage corn.
"
224985,"I'm in so much debt... I could start a government.
"
189542,"I'm such a bad golfer, they should send me to Mars. I'm guaranteed to find water.
"
178015,"Apparently saying, """"Oh, I just came to watch"""" makes everyone else uncomfortable in the Pilates class.
"
196887,"Sometimes I'm right. Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I'm saying.
"
93229,"Going to the bathroom isn't the problem It's the shit that I have to deal with every day.
"
177588,"A hamburger walks into a bar (don't know if repost) And the bartender says """"sorry but we don't serve food here""""!
"
190767,"Q: Where does a zookeeper hang his laundry? A: On a clothes lion.
"
200824,"What hurts more; giving birth or being kicked in the balls? A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.
"
119758,"Britain went to the middle east and are like I'd made a mistake. Iran
"
70691,"If it weren't for twitter I wouldn't know what it feels like to go unnoticed. Just kidding, I'm married. I know exactly how that feels.
"
179697,"OJ's son did it! OJ'S son: Daddy Daddy the ice cream man is here! Can I have some money? OJ: Go axe yo mama
"
140009,"There was this church that was so so small That instead of having a crucified jesus they had one hanging
"
71505,"Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries He responded: Oh go Crimea river
"
198058,"No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I'll just hang out with my toddler.
"
219994,"French girls are great... For example, my French girlfriend taught me how to eat out in the bush.
"
105940,"I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
"
98627,"AMD should make a self-driving car... ...because they specialize in creating things that don't come with drivers.
"
126861,"What do you call a man who cleans your house? Dustin.
"
116203,"Who's the biggest player in the Hundred Acre Wood? Eeyore, he's always chasing that tail.
"
122722,"Study finds that a man looks into a woman's eyes for 8.2 seconds if he is attracted to her, 4.5 seconds if he is not, and 0.0 seconds if she's a C-cup or above
"
16109,"I used to date a girl with cataracts Things were going great until one day she stopped seeing me.
"
120313,"Thought of this while making breakfast. What did the microbiologist bring to the art fair? A cup of yogurt.
"
170744,"""""Mommy, why does everyone at school pick on me?"""" """"I've no idea, Someoneyourownsize.""""
"
78422,"I never feel more American than when Hulu makes me pick my """"advertising experience.""""
"
131156,"how many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three, the right ear, the left ear and the final frontier
"
136176,"What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black.
"
19845,"What has four wheels and flys? A garbage truck.
"
116101,"Did you hear how the scarecrow got his promotion?
"
168256,"Is it """"lying in a puddle of blood"""" or """"laying in a puddle of blood?"""" Lol who knows, but yeah seriously, send an ambulance right away.
"
92046,"What did San Andreas said to the Earthquake? This is all your fault!
"
97777,"why are people so disgusted when someone farts around them? I mean, come on, a little gas never killed anyone
"
44611,"If billionaires were allowed to influence the results on American Idol instead of American elections, there would be rioting in the streets.
"
171068,"If your woman is always reminding you of how other many guys want her and you are lucky she is still with you, dump that ho. Let those wolves have her.
"
29487,"If I get interviewed by a police sketch artists, my only goal will be to see how far I get before he realizes I'm making him draw a pirate.
"
163555,"What did the man say to his wife when he failed to get an erection? No hard feelings.
"
139646,"Where are smells made? In the olfactory.
"
159844,"A guy walks up to a girl in Starbucks Hey girl, how would you like to be my skinny vanilla latte? go light on the cream though, that's for later.
"
228424,"What did Donald Trump say to the guy who immolated himself in front of Trump tower? """"You're fired!""""
"
198332,"What's that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah...39
"
31322,"What's good on pizza, but not on pussy? crust.
"
201625,"What's that worthless little piece of skin around the vagina called? The woman.
"
216768,"Ever wonder why you always get a boner when you look in the mirror? That's because your dick thinks you're a cunt too!
"
160148,"Sneaking up on me from behind while I'm doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
"
139846,"kids now have dating apps but back in my day we had to run through the city shirtless with a megaphone screaming """"why does no one want me""""
"
155398,"Why do you think that God hates fags rather than figs? Oh, I got confused; after all, they are both painful on the anus!
"
94888,"I put more effort into making it look like I'm doing my job than I do doing my actual job.
"
163308,"How do you stop a Mexican tank? Shoot the guy who's pushing it.
"
22497,"A hippie is walking along A Hippy is walking along wearing one shoe. Another hippy sees him and calls out, 'Hey man, you lose a shoe?' """"Nope, found one""""
"
3195,"Detective: Why did you dump those vegetables on my desk? Criminal: You said it was time to spill the beans.
"
33105,"You guys hear about that new broom that came out? It's sweeping the nation!
"
116354,"Why did the zombie start ripping up sheet music? Because he was de-composing.
"
50160,"I think Stu does not gets the recognition he deserves Without him, those who are studying would just be dying.
"
15096,"My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don't be one.
"
152915,"If Apple makes a car, There won't be any windows in it.
"
179698,"Good cop: WHAT ARE YOU DOING - HE WAS UNARMED Dog cop: *plants a vacuum cleaner on body*
"
90539,"Tyfus applied for a job in a factory.  The company doctor who was giving him a physical asked """"Have your eyes ever been checked?""""  """"No"""" said the worker. """"They've always been brown.""""
"
187293,"I've just won the 2013 'Most secretive person' award. I can't tell you how much it means to me.
"
74004,"What do you call a Spanish midget? A paragraph. Because he's not a full essay.
"
219351,"My dad is a blackjack dealer. He hit me until I was 21.
"
155274,"What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.
"
28883,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Briony ! Briony who ? Briony beautiful sea !
"
45061,"What type of wood is the most expensive? Hollywood! (Made this up while i was doing a project.)
"
83766,"Is it a bird is it a plane well what ever it is its heading straight for the world trade center Tell me if this joke is even funny.
"
199474,"How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday? He has a whale of a party!
"
129067,"What did the deaf guy say to the blind guy? I can't hear you, but I can see your point
"
71075,"You shoulda never challenged me to a rap battle, Kim Jong Un! I'm about to end this man's whole Korea.
"
166896,"Gay jokes aren't funny. Butt fuck it.
"
171141,"Why is a divorce so damn expensive? Because it fucking worth it!
"
118292,"I made an app that tells you were people with dwarfism are at all times. I can't be the only one thinking of the imp-locations.
"
191946,"Two chickens were chatting around the coop. """"That big rooster next door made a pass at me!"""" one exclaimed. """"Really? Did you provoke him?"""" """"Well, I egged him on a little.""""
"
129055,"My wife has developed a fetish with salad items... Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass. And that was just the tip of the iceburg
"
112577,"Religious groups put on performances for an audience The Christians put on a hell of a show, the Jews knocked their socks off, but the Muslims blew them all away.
"
87194,"A boyfriend asks his girlfriend: """"What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?"""" """"Well, I don't know"""" she answers shyly. """"OK, that I give you another year to think about it...""""
"
40217,"What starts with """"p,"""" ends with """"s,"""" and is really long? Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis
"
216207,"What did the clerk say to the customer who tried to buy a candy bar with plastic quarters? This is non-cents!
"
194583,"What do you call a cat that torrents movies? A copy cat.
"
64697,"Did you hear what happened to the dildo farmer? He had a big problem with squatters.
"
12414,"There are 3 kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.
"
97696,"A Cannibals's Dinner Party If a cannibal is throwing a dinner party, don't show up late. Otherwise you'll get the cold shoulder.
"
158914,"Think I might change my kids name to Worldstar... So whenever he is in a fight people would be cheering for him.
"
91588,"Two pedophiles sitting on a bench A 12 year old passes by. One pedophile looks at the other and says: Aaah, time forgives no-one. She must've been a stunner in her days
"
67286,"Why can't you keep secrets in a bank? Because of all the tellers.
"
9061,"What does Donald Trump say when he's mad? There'll be hell toupee!
"
31469,"Why did the polish person marry someone from the other side of the country? Because opposite poles attract
"
146197,"What is the volume of a pizza of thickness A and radius Z? PI Z Z A
"
134792,"Rafael Nadal got done by an Australian teenager today at Wimbledon. Rolf Harris is having raging fits of jealousy.
"
142435,"I wanna get HAMMERED tonight. Seriously? Yeah, drunk as hell, bro. Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
"
36728,"My uncle came out of the closet yesterday. He's not gay. He has Alzheimer's and thought it was the car.
"
115330,"Did you hear about the new farmers dating site? It's full of hoes.
"
182451,"What did the owl say to the squirrel? Nothing. Because owls don't talk. Then it ate the squirrel, because owls are birds of prey.
"
111751,"A dyslexic man walks into a bra. that was it very short joke
"
49772,"Please don't ruin Breaking Bad for me... I'm only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
"
110470,"What was the first thing Hellen Keller noticed at the beach? The volleyball net.
"
145814,"What do you call a mentally ill person without arms and legs? Call him whatever you want, its not like he's gonna get up and do anything about it.
"
117520,"get pizza or die trying
"
28357,"Well, it's getting to that time of year when my wife gets drunk and gives her annual blow job. I hope it's me this year!
"
82570,"What would the world be like without women? A real pain in the ass!
"
221980,"Meanwhile on Facebook, Susan is doing a quiz, to find out what kind of sea monster, her Ex is.
"
170047,"Conjunctivitis.com Now that's a site for sore eye's!
"
81611,"Me and my brother went to a homosexual Chinese restaurant. We both ordered 'the cream of sum yung gui'
"
120708,"What did the cumulus cloud say to the stratus cloud? Why arent you precipitating? (a joke me and my buddy came up with while driving. and its scientifically correct. lol)
"
16494,"What do you get if you cross a bee with a door  bell? A hum dinger !
"
138964,"How much hummus did the anorexic Arab eat? A tahini bit!
"
45994,"If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going? To the bank
"
75546,"Where do hamburgers go to dance? To a meatball.
"
46920,"What is the first symptom of AIDS? A consistent pounding sensation in your ass.
"
121771,"what did mick jagger say when he caught hugh hefner and dennis weaver in the bedroom together? hey, hugh, get off of mccloud.
"
47213,"My Guitar E string broke... On another note, the D String is fine!
"
181253,"There are almost no problems that cannot be solved by adding puppies into the equation... except for world hunger...which come to think of it, they can also solve.
"
110925,"What's blue and white and can't climb trees? A fridge with a denim jacket on
"
87509,"Me: let's go this way. Shopping cart: no.
"
125694,"Did you hear about the mexican that went to college? me neither.
"
120964,"I like taking pictures with my friends but my mom says she didn't raise a thief
"
129979,"Ever feel a little """"too"""" relaxed? Is your day going """"pretty ok""""? Are you enjoying doing a thing? Introducing """"Panic Attacks"""" Panic AttacksTM
"
109880,"A boss is like a customer in a restaurant. He wants the best food to be served. But when it comes to cooking his own food, he can even eat his own shit.
"
21319,"Whats the difference between a Blonde and a Washing Machine? The Washing Machine will not follow you around for 2 weeks after you dump a load in it!
"
209240,"Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
"
106960,"Hillary: After Benghazi Hearing I """"Sat Around Eating Indian Food And Drinking Wine And Beer"""" Christie: """"Just another Tuesday morning for me.""""
"
54515,"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.
"
212663,"I want to open i pizza place called Original Pizza, so that way if anybody asks if we deliver... yes, OP delivers.
"
198873,"You can tell a lot about a person by their car.... For example, if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.
"
66175,"When Asian tourists ask me to take their picture for them; I always say, """"Okay let's do one more but this time don't squint
"
65956,"I'm so Italian . . . I even text with my hands.
"
92946,"Why are football players never asked for dinner? Because they're always dribbling!
"
93976,"3 unwritten rules of life 1) 2) 3)
"
184574,"Remember ladies; When men give women roses they expect Tulips in return 
"
4153,"Why did the chick disappoint his mother? Because he wasn't all he was *cracked up* to be.
"
84804,"A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar. The bartender asks, """"what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?""""
"
147110,"The worst moment for an insomniac is that flutter of realisation that you are falling asleep, which smacks you wide awake again.
"
211696,"Q: What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college? A: Coagulations!
"
22141,"Man from Nantucket There once was a man from Nantucket Was writing a Limerick but said, """"Fuck it.""""
"
80271,"I'll try this here. Let's all come up with a joke, line by line... One person starts, the next adds a line.
"
138405,"Poor old lady!! I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious in the snow today. Well I'm assuming she was poor, she only had 86p in her purse.
"
149861,"What side dish do frogs like to enjoy with their hamburgers? French Flies!
"
188912,"Why did the crowd riot at the Nickelback concert? Because they didn't get their nickel back.
"
101304,"Survival Tip: If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
"
153798,"So my friend told me that he has been constipated for the past three weeks... I'm pretty sure he's full of shit.
"
167505,"What does the N on the Nebraska football helmet stand for? """"Nowledge.""""
"
224673,"What do you call a condom within a condom? Contraception.
"
41970,"Fish jokes? I'm working a community fish fry and need your best fish jokes! Like: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
"
99352,"I often say to myself, """"I can't believe that cloning machine worked.""""
"
179645,"Ever heard of a 6.9? It's just another great thing ruined by a period.
"
33390,"I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
"
32132,"Did you hear about the corduroy pillow? Apparently, it's making headlines.
"
206829,"My first memory was 9 months before I was born. I went to this crazy party with dad and left with mom.
"
42489,"How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change the bulb &amp; one to hold my dick, I mean my mum, I mean the ladder
"
66979,"What are a mathematician's five favourite numbers? 0, 1, e, pi.
"
216480,"Vaccinated kids will get this... Autism.
"
76716,"BREAKING: Millions of young white girls scream themselves unconscious as the new iPhone color is revealed to be Pumpkin Spice Latte.
"
101743,"I don't get why he counts the beer before he leaves to work... There's never any left when he comes home. Idiot.
"
195046,"""""conference"""" comes from the Latin """"con"""" meaning """"together with"""" and """"ference"""" meaning """"the worst people on earth""""
"
6850,"Girlfriend: Ok you hang up :-) Boyfriend: No You hang up first :-) Girlfriend: no you first Boyfriend: No you first NSA: both of you hang up
"
53470,"Can someone just tell me which guy Bridget Jones ends up with? I keep killing myself before the end of the movie.
"
46886,"Xbox and PlayStation get into a fight. Call the ambulance. Wii U Wii U Wii U.
"
183494,"My wife texted me at lunch """"Window's frozen"""" """"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel"""" I replied. Ten minutes later, she called back. """"We need a new computer now"""".
"
3437,"It would just be mean to make a joke about the woman with lumber breast implants..... Wooden Tit
"
27789,"There are three types of people in this world... those who can count and those who can't.
"
36259,"What do you mean you're not going to spank me? I mouthed off and everything. What kind of man are you?
"
79814,"If you were a Canadian and I were a Canadian and we bumped into each other, who would apologize first? I'm not a Canadian so get out of my fucking way! I'm Walking Here!
"
206929,"*phone rings* Wife - """"Quick! Pretend I'm not in!"""" Me - *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle* Wife - """"....""""""""
"
180200,"How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh ? ten-tickcles.
"
187373,"I am fresh out of milkshakes, but I'm pretty sure that my willingness to put out on the first date will bring all the boys to the yard.
"
118193,"If there was a mathematical equation to describe social justice warriors... It would be a really nice log. An ideal log.
"
133997,"I always use 09/11 as my pass code... ... so I'll """"never forget.""""
"
81064,"""""Mommy, Mommy - I hate walking around in circles!"""" """"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor...""""
"
126560,"Did you hear the one about the Vegan diet? Really? I'm shocked they didn't tell you already.
"
4020,"How did a sexy but unqualified Japanese woman get voted into public office? Erections
"
222429,"For every cigarette you smoke God takes away 1 year of your life and gives it to Hugh Hefner.
"
83511,"How did the electron board the train? It lepton
"
220680,"What is the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? The people in Dubai don't watch the Flintstones but the people in Abu Dhabidoooo!
"
75329,"Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself. It's okay, I've had it coming for some time now.
"
109580,"A man walks into a bar. He bashed his head. What did you think would have happened?
"
81118,"My dog's favorite movie is 50 Shades of Grey... because the sex is rrruff.
"
125465,"What did the stop light say to the car? Don't look I am changing
"
128444,"[LPT] Always read the comment section of LPTs. There's always a better LPT.
"
187024,"What do you call a fish with no eyes? Puberty
"
157200,"How many koalas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, given that he's koali-fied for the job.
"
38147,"How do you make a neato burrito? With cool beans.
"
83718,"Why are people still using a dictionary? I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me.
"
85901,"Why does the North Korean military always lose their battles? [xpost /r/meanjokes] Every single shot at them is at a chink in their armor.
"
219484,"Why is the door to heaven always open? Because Jesus was born in a barn.
"
8185,"Geogrophy If Iraq invaded Turkey from the rear, do you think Grease would help?
"
185210,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?.. **RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!**
"
132431,"What's the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with anyone but YOU.
"
160516,"It's not that people use only 10% of their brains, it's that only 10% of people use their brains.
"
123119,"A Blonde is driving in her car and turns on the radio. It says that 2 Brazilian men were killed. She starts crying and says, """"How many is a Brazilian?""""
"
220068,"""""THEN HE GOES BACK IN TIME AND THE DOGGIE IS SAD AND ICE CREAM."""" --My 3 year-old, telling a more coherent story than LOST.
"
140951,"The platypus has to be the WEIRDEST looking animal I've ever gotten pregnant.
"
5564,"I skipped the 9 puns and killed the last one. That's a pun in ten dead.
"
67620,"congrats to those who made it onto my """"Not A Lizard"""" spreadsheet in 2015. to the rest of u, better luck next year and/or die reptilian scum.
"
141103,"Me: Most of all, remember to be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Neighbor: If you don't stay out of my heating duct I'm calling the cops.
"
17540,"What do you call clothes for a car? A tire.
"
155061,"No control I have no control. There is no escape. I don't even have a home. I think I should get a knew keyboard.
"
70857,"If your tweet says """"I'm at a bar getting drunk again"""" with """"via web"""" below it, what do you think are the chances I'm going to believe you?
"
61250,"What does an accountant call a friend's birthday party? (x-post from /r/tax) A present liability!
"
94288,"Someone put six uneaten pastries in the trash because Satan has many forms.
"
173834,"I love it when I run into people I know at my psychiatrist's office... Because I'm like, """"Hey, you're crazy too? Cool.""""
"
130768,"Knock, Knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
"
226656,"What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave doesn't brown your meat.
"
142675,"What's it like to work in customer service/retail? Imagine there's a race of people called customers. Now imagine you're a huge racist.
"
221575,"You drunkenly fall into one bathtub with your pants around your ankles, breaking the curtain rod and all of a sudden, everyone is a critic
"
215146,"My wife just emailed me asking if we had any moving boxes I told her no... All of our boxes are still. That's why we purchased them from a stationary store.
"
173280,"""""Stationary shop moves"""".....
"
123856,"I spent the whole night trying to solve a math problem... and then it dawned on me.
"
83761,"Why is North Korea so cruel? Because it doesn't have a Seoul!
"
61195,"If someone writes you a long email that ends with """"Thoughts?"""" just reply """"Nope.""""
"
39066,"It only takes 3 inches to please a woman. And it doesn't matter if it's mastercard, visa or American express.
"
93300,"What are Mario's overalls made of Denim, Denim, Denim
"
63453,"I threw a Bukakke party last night...... it was terrible nobody came.
"
154389,"Two duck hunters You know about the two duck hunters who were found dead in Texas? The lawyer for the defence says the accused acted in self defence and that the community says duck lives matter too.
"
7226,"What do you call a German with a cold?
"
19114,"What you're feeling, Republicans, is the ghost of Ted Kennedy's nuts on your chin.
"
201704,"I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's 7
"
219148,"Spandex is sausage casing for humans.
"
6350,"If you just got invited to do something on New Year's Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
"
153167,"I walked into chemistry class... It was Boron
"
212630,"Why do pill bottles have cotton in them? To remind blacks in America that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers.
"
66781,"ANY voicemail left by the elderly starts off with 2 minutes of """"HELLO? HELLO?"""" and ends with them trying to dial another number.
"
98895,"What's the difference between dead babies and salads? I don't put my salads in the microwave before I eat them
"
70316,"Q: How many Italians does it take to change a  lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
"
120371,"What kind of lizard can run the mafia? The Iguanodon
"
39928,"[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons] I'd like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
"
102628,"If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit """"end"""" on a call, I would have no friends.
"
133445,"I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
"
165734,"There was a king with three cups. He filled the first cup. He filled the second cup. But he left the third cup empty. What was the kings name? King Philip the Third.
"
174770,"There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately no pun in ten did.
"
143347,"Sisters are like fat thighs They stick together.
"
205707,"You know the old saying: If it ain't Baroque... ...then it was probably written by more experimental composers after ~1760.
"
53411,"What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits? He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse.
"
25915,"her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep me: k her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
"
120375,"What's the difference between a pizza and Trevor from GTA The pizza is less greasy
"
141653,"What did Hellen Keller not see when she fell? ..... the floor
"
169047,"Wanted: 1 Psychic. You know who you are.
"
203800,"Life is like a box of chocolates It sucks if you have diabetes
"
98832,"I'm going on a vodka diet. Apparently you can lose 3 days in one week...
"
189812,"Melania Trump doesn't want to live in the same place as her husband. More than half of America feels the same way.
"
134662,"How can a cat walk with no feet? He can't, it's impawsible.
"
128259,"*Ronda Rousey in the Doctors office* Ronda: I'm having trouble getting pregnant Doctor: Stop taking it in the jaw
"
2883,"This Halloween, make your friends run in terror by walking into their parties as """"guy with acoustic guitar"""".
"
161100,"Why were Indians the first people in America? Because they had reservations.
"
88567,"If you saw a heat wave.... Would you wave back?
"
120674,"Of all the lies I tell, """"I was just kidding!"""" is my favorite.
"
28560,"*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters* Caption: I'm so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
"
30200,"People always say to do exercise, I do Breathing... Could I be more WORKING!
"
71042,"I'm okay with most drugs... But cocaine is where a draw the line.
"
164906,"I can't even... ...so I guess I'm odd.
"
180638,"I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.
"
211078,"What does a dog see in the mirror? A chair
"
90034,"What do you call a retarded psychic who just escaped from prison? A small medium at-large!
"
10022,"My wife says I'm too nosy. At least that's what she said in her diary.
"
59728,"What happened when the Italian Chef Died He Pasta Way
"
158950,"Why was the turkey (bird) named after the country? Because fuck you that's why
"
12971,"Found a wooden shoe in my toilet it was clogged saw on last comic standing
"
218294,"Did you hear about the fugitive midget psychic? He's a small medium at large.
"
46418,"I walked into a Chinese bar and ordered the heaviest drink. The bartender served me wonton soup.
"
56329,"How do you make a good pun? You use a great PUNchline.
"
43564,"Did you hear about the teacher who had eye problems? She couldn't control her pupils.
"
125104,"I hear Louis CK is changing his name To Louis C D
"
111031,"Why did the scarecrow get the job? Because he was out standing in his field.
"
61375,"What do sex and air have in common? They're no big deal unless you aren't getting any.
"
26816,"An Irishman walks out of a pub. ...
"
224590,"I want to become famous... so that one day, when people approach me asking """"Hey, do I know you from somewhere?"""" I can reply with """"I don't know, do you watch a lot of porn?""""
"
183441,"I saw a UFO yesterday. So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.
"
110645,"Why did the doe give the faun an umbrella? In case of reindeer. And because I caribou.
"
57791,"Why didn't the vegan gamble at the meat raffle? Didn't want a brisket
"
35761,"I win all of my breakups by not getting fat.
"
137531,"A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
"
98697,"Sometimes I get the urge to run around naked.. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking.
"
98320,"Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.
"
129003,"Q: What kind of cats lay around the house? - A: Car-pets!
"
60620,"So I'm opening a seafood restaurant... ...and my signature dish will be eel in a light Japanese batter. It will be called """"O Tempura! O Morays!""""
"
24109,"Me: Which cup do you want? 2-year-old: That one! Me: Let's pick a different one. 2-year-old: No! *drinks milk from a shot glass*
"
65906,"What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water? One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
"
62706,"*eats one piece of lettuce* checks for abs
"
92892,"Two Pokemon players run right into each other, what does the one say to the other? This is Onixceptable.
"
90345,"I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
"
143505,"What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl? A cock that stays up all night.
"
23930,"I created a new word Plagiarism *just like 80% of the jokes on this page wink wink*
"
57243,"I was caught stalking David Cameron today I told the police that I was simply following the political movement.
"
15450,"[typing] Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE? Wife: 2nd. Me: Is """"polyamorous"""" hyphenated? Wife: No. Why? Me: It's for work. When's your flight?
"
145480,"What do you call a digital tree? All bark and no byte
"
107624,"A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, """"Hey! Get outta here! We don't serve your kind!"""" The mushroom replies, """"Why not? I'm a fun guy!""""
"
77780,"I haven't been able to look at cereal since the time I walked in on my parents having Chex.
"
62862,"I have no problem with Capital Punishment in theory.... I just have problems with its execution.
"
151609,"A stock market crash is worse than a divorce. You lose half your money and your wife is still around.
"
45164,"Nerdy pickup line. Hey baby, Are you uranium because I'm Iodine and if it was up to me I would rearrange the periodic table around and put U and I together. ;)
"
208081,"You know what doesn't suck? A hooker that just won the lottery
"
212320,"Why did the zoo close the big cat exhibit? Because they just kept lion around!
"
176656,"Poles put Clinton 7 points ahead of Trump But Polish citizens don't get to vote Edit: Minor text change
"
210503,"The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
"
78991,"I was going to start my diet today, but as it turns out pizza still exists, so...
"
181398,"Here's a good joke! /r/TwoXChromosomes
"
72982,"I'm kind of like a fireman. I turn the hoes on.
"
55580,"The orphan sat there, apparently. Get it? A-parently.
"
187765,"Most of my time is spent trying to work """"That's So Raven"""" into everyday conversation.
"
73767,"Everyone has that one best friend who's now a.... **Stranger!**
"
218136,"I once met a dyslexic who suffered from vertigo. Her name was Dizzy Spells.
"
2772,"Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection. I said """"Rick, you can have Toy Story, Cars &amp; Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up""""
"
13148,"Boss sent me a message the other day: *Send me some funny messages* I replied: *I'm working right now, I will send you later* Boss: *hahaha..send me another one*
"
93204,"The biggest lie told on the internet 'I have read and understand the terms and conditions'
"
37190,"I wrote an essay about American Patriotism Then I pointed at it and started shouting ' You Essay! You Essay!'
"
43496,"Wife: Our daughter lied to me. Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth? 5-year-old: It's only for people who don't have lawyers.
"
169249,"Why does Trump only use a laptop computer? Because of the small keyboard.
"
175584,"What do you call... Nuts on a wall? - walnuts Nuts on a chest? - chestnuts Nuts on your chin? - a dick in your mouth!
"
61290,"launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
"
206195,"When people say they hate getting stuck in revolving doors: I tell them, """"you'll come around eventually!""""
"
136276,"What do you call a moving company owned by cows? A bunch of moooovers.
"
141012,"[hotel] wife: I'm gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks* me: Ok! *wife comes out in lingerie* wife: What'd you pick? me: Space Jam
"
25062,"The doctor told me I had Parkinson's.... I decided to just shake it off.
"
216473,"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out, man.
"
110628,"Welcome home, half-empty bottle of diet coke. Meet your family: Salad dressing, expired creamer & mysterious takeout container.
"
76044,"The Wife just accused me of loving Twitter more than her. I said, """"but honey! I love you much more than Facebook or LinkedIn!""""
"
68531,"I learned that 17th century French royalty depleted their treasury... I guess you could say they were baroque.
"
214680,"Johnny as his mum where are you when Bill Gate was single? Mum Answered: 'the same place you where now while Obama's Daughter is still single'
"
45434,"What did the doctor give the Asari with an STD? Anti-biotics
"
215828,"I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week...because there's just some things they should learn from their dad.
"
63335,"Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.
"
39543,"Some gamers think that it's wrong to cheat... but i think its down right left triangle up square down left square right circle cross
"
121128,"I woke up last night and there was an enormous black coffin at the end of my bed. So I gave him a cough-drop and told him to fuck off.
"
90360,"What did the two narwhals say at midnight? Nothing, they just baconed.
"
4438,"I wanted to share this great joke I heard about a farmer fixing his fence... ...but it's a re-post.
"
225790,"What's the definition of 'vagina'? The box the penis comes in!
"
52870,"My number one rule to live by is: Don't die.
"
51533,"How did the redneck find his sister in the woods? Not bad!
"
129478,"How does a hamster propose to his girlfriend? With a hamst-ring! I'm sorry.
"
58284,"A woman dropped a $10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
"
16688,"You guys wanna hear a joke? Ellen Pao
"
30291,"Michael J. Fox What is Michael J. Fox's favorite song? Shake it off
"
208380,"Russia will eat Turkey for thanksgiving this year.
"
5615,"Knock, Knock... Who's there? Peas. Peas who? *Peas pass the butter*
"
171005,"A local plastic surgeon started giving away free breast implants... They're up for grabs.
"
136508,"What did the dog say to the tree... You've got a lot of bark, but no bite..
"
146573,"you know who else had a """"fun hat phase""""? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
"
209278,"What's below your sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na knees? Your Guns N' Toeses I'll see myself out.
"
133601,"I have sensitive teeth..... And I'm afraid I'll say something to hurt their fillings.
"
175243,"its all fun and games until someone loses an I?. then we cant play scrabble anymor
"
201891,"The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
"
81486,"Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.
"
137872,"The roads must have been full of Communists... I kept hitting reds on the way home.
"
197612,"Accidentally walked into the women's bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
"
43588,"Of course there's a financial crisis in Greece. How much yogurt could they possibly sell.
"
156119,"As an African-American, Iam shocked at how many black holidays we have here. We have Black Friday, Black history month, whenever a Tyler Perry movie comes out, etc
"
190766,"I am being so rude. Apologies. Google, is there anything you want to ask me?
"
81931,"What is the creature that walks on four legs in the morning, three legs at noon and two in the evening? A cat in a minefield.
"
45421,"I'm bummed out because i was just diagnosed with alzheimer's at least I don't have alzheimer's
"
51492,"I was just about to get offended by a stranger on the Internet when I remembered I'm not an idiot.
"
101986,"What kind of dogs are full of Chinese scientists? Yellow labs
"
182441,"What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get some support they're going to think we're nuts!
"
229051,"New Jared Sub Subway has came out with a new sub this week called the Jared Sub. It is 37 year old salami sandwiched between 10 year old buns.
"
37937,"I can't help but feel important when someone says there's a special place in hell for people like me.
"
187693,"""""I'm thinking of running a marathon again."""" I told my friend. """"You've run a marathon before?"""" she asked, with an air of admiration. I said, """"No, but I've thought about it.""""
"
127998,"Wanna hear a joke? Sleep. (I know, I don't get it either.)
"
114969,"A new report has concluded that dog owners are more outgoing than cat owners. Hardly surprising. You have to take a dog for walks.
"
203563,"OLD SPICE: BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SMELL LIKE VICTORIA BECKHAM
"
83932,"If I were a DJ, I think the best part of the job would be making people sorry that they hired me
"
87531,"""""How about... we change the 6 to a 7?"""" """"I love it!"""" --board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year's Eve
"
94739,"I wanted a painting that wouldn't get boring so I painted a mirror.
"
98890,"Why do flies hate the shower? Because the only thing to eat is shampoo.
"
216722,"Why aren't there more jokes based on haptics? It's a touchy subject.
"
74341,"What do you call a person who sexually identifies as a Xenomorph? An alie-kin
"
201385,"It's Afro Carribean Hair Day at work tomorrow... ...I'm dreadin' it.
"
16455,"50 cent What did 50 cent say to his grandma when she have him a sweater? Gee you knit
"
210908,"It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
"
150281,"Why do elephants eat raw food ? Because they don't know how to cook !
"
225929,"It's hard to find and ginger colored shoes. Probably because they haven't got any soles
"
33524,"I've forgotten how to """"hang out"""" with people if alcohol isn't involved.
"
12420,"Nothing makes you look like an alcoholic more than not knowing how you got a cut on your face.
"
204769,"What's the best part about a selfie stick? You don't have to look far to find something to beat the user of one in the head.
"
145636,"I dated this metal chick once It was all cool for the first month, but then she started to rust.
"
29010,"Ukraine What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea? I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.
"
139586,"What would you call The Flintstones if they were black? Niggers.
"
61591,"I saved a bunch on my car insurance by making the switch.. To reverse and driving away from the accident
"
194775,"How many people with OCD does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. It *has* to be seven.
"
98404,"My Calculator is missing the minus button. But on the plus side.....it still works
"
91900,"They say """"You are what you eat"""" so I guess we should eat skinny people.
"
209564,"What does a panther say when it steps on ants? ded-ant.. ded-ant.. ded-ant dedan deadANT~~~ dedandead-annnnnt #^#$^ d-d-d-deadant.
"
86754,"A man walks into a bar Ouch -badumtiss-
"
105803,"Cogito Ergo Spud. I think, therefore I yam.
"
161015,"What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission? He Apollo-gized.
"
27108,"Why aren't these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don't they want to get better?
"
63799,"When someone describes themselves as a """"foodie"""" I automatically assume they shit a lot.
"
134642,"A redditer clicks on a link.. realizes they are the joke.
"
142672,"I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else's balance to cheer me up
"
118235,"Why shouldn't you tell secrets on the farm? The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.
"
120633,"This sushi restaurant has the worst service ever. """"Sir, this is an aquarium.""""
"
7286,"What do you call a lazy fan of the old Price is Right? a Barker Lounger !
"
118050,"*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke* McDonald's Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?
"
84446,"hi reddit okay bye reddit
"
18428,"Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
"
161772,"What's the world's longest sentence? .... I do.
"
211900,"The UN general assembly.
"
152396,"What did one architect say to the other? """"I see the floor in your plan.""""
"
18837,"*into earpiece during date* Ok now maintain eye contact No not that kind of contact Bro do not touch her eyes Get your eye away from hers
"
40055,"Did you hear about the cannibal that only ate beans? Human Beans.
"
149897,"How are women and cigarettes similar? The taste changes as you get closer to the butt.
"
104776,"Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom? He was sick of all its shiitake.
"
164133,"How do you make holes in a fire? With a fire drill.
"
24625,"*bursts into English convention* GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE *crickets* Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
"
61086,"A dyslexic man... Walks into a bra.
"
109355,"How do you turn a seal into a sea lion? Remove an electron.
"
81645,"How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?  - She starts her sentence with """"A man once told me...""""
"
3294,"What do you call an old person from Portugal? A portugeeser
"
147873,"Why did the Japanese man take a stick of butter and some oil to his garden? He wanted to see a butterfry
"
228708,"I'm not the only Pokemon fan out there. There are Charmeleons of us.
"
178542,"I only date black girls... Because I hate meeting fathers.
"
84333,"HITMAN: Who's the target? ME: [slides photo across table] HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek? ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
"
142597,"What do dwarfs and midgets have in common? Very little.
"
145749,"Is it cocky to have more than one penis? Some might call it too cocky...
"
17164,"A man and woman are riding up in an elevator. The man looks at the woman and says """"Can I smell your pussy?"""" She replies """"Hell no!"""" The man says """"Well it must be your feet then.""""
"
75715,"Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.
"
173096,"Did you hear what happened to the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.
"
70553,"My friend asked me to name my top 5 Coldplay songs... And they were all yellow.
"
91855,"Did you hear about the new pill that's supposed to turn lesbian women straight? It's called tricoxagain.
"
20066,"I wonder if lining up beers in my refrigerator will ever stop being exciting.
"
155280,"Why did Einstein stop seeing his mistress? She fell in love and he didn't anticipate entanglement
"
189059,"The best things in life are free. Like your neighbor's wifi, their morning paper & their liquor cabinet while they're away, for instance.
"
79567,"Heading to the dentist. I hope they've all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
"
162334,"What do you call a vagina that talks back to you? An answering cervix
"
215702,"How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
"
130326,"Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' So when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'
"
40967,"I love people. However, most of them are fictional characters.
"
118466,"Apparently a dog whistle in inaudible to the human ear. Just think, my pet could be sitting in front of me whistling a tune and I can't hear a thing.
"
211847,"*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
"
99920,"There was a woman trapped inside a Safeway, She was found dead of starvation the next morning.
"
191022,"""""Vodka, Sambuca, Tequila, Jager!"""" I'm calling the shots.
"
19286,"There is nothing wrong with sex before marriage... ... as long as it doesn't delay the wedding.
"
61113,"ME: I can't come in to work. My grandma died BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year ME: yeah she's a cat
"
16103,"What do you call a scary horse? A night-mare.
"
177267,"There are 30 cows and twenty eight chickens... How many didn't? Better told in person.
"
87691,"Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
"
150377,"I'd like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers. """"I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.""""
"
226454,"I """"Liked"""" your comment on my status update because I'm too lazy to respond.
"
72810,"""""I'm running late"""" makes sense. """"I'm running early"""" makes no sense. """"I'm standing impatiently early"""" makes sense.
"
88111,"Who is a chemist's favorite Game of Thrones character? Stannous Baratheon.
"
49214,"What do you call 2 horses side by side in a stable? Neigh-bours.
"
87088,"Do you smoke... The Lady asked,"""" Do you Smoke after Sex?"""" I said,"""" My gosh I never Looked!!!""""
"
206590,"Chuck Norris doesn't flush, he scares the crap out of it.
"
184939,"How many dancers does it take to change a light bulb? Five... six... seven... eight!
"
3413,"Whats the problem with tainted money? It taint yours and it taint mine :D (Puns for the win? :D)
"
172092,"H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare? M: I'm OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest H: We're talking about floors M: HR again?
"
72834,"Why didn't they just call """"Ant-Man"""" Uncle? Credit to Steve Higgins from The Tonight Show.
"
218893,"""""I wish I had more time to read"""" he said as Netflix automatically played the next episode.
"
170576,"My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday. """"Bullshit!"""" I said. """"I didn't even know it was your birthday.""""
"
62919,"Biggest joke on Reddit r/politics
"
103041,"What do you call shit that comes out with a fart? An Unexpecturd.
"
172487,"American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took """"the floor is lava"""" game way to seriously as kids.
"
185734,"Why do black people wear flares? because their knee grows
"
15481,"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause
"
90244,"One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said """"death or becoming a pirate king"""" and he threw my cat Alan at me
"
37952,"You know what they say, once you go black... ...you're a single mom
"
191121,"I hid a spare key outside my house in a fake rock, then hid that under thousands of fake rocks filled with fake keys. Your move, burglars...
"
187658,"Today I extended an olive branch to my enemy. As hard as I could and right in the eye.
"
10506,"What kind of wood doesn't float? Natalie.
"
34408,"I don't know what my shoes are laced with But I'm tripping balls
"
50297,"In what town lives the mathematician who can only multiply by two? Dublin.
"
109089,"ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames. QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
"
228718,"I dunno but if I was a """"doctor to the stars"""" I sure wouldn't be bragging about it these days
"
113251,"Do I agree that education is getting too expensive? To a degree, yes.
"
200640,"How many monkeys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None. Monkeys screw in trees.
"
391,"What do you call a vegetable who has escaped prison? An escapea
"
47555,"Irish Jokes Megathread Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.
"
5791,"Q: Why doesn't Saddam go out drinking? A: Why should he when he can get bombed at home?
"
220533,"What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? Snowballs
"
55503,"I need to go Wal-Mart but I don't wear pajamas, I'm not a NASCAR fan and I'm not fat. This is what I call a conundrum.
"
54718,"If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
"
107584,"What do you call a smiley face if someone uses it that lives in an igloo? An Eskimoji
"
88504,"Wife: Want do you want for dinner? Me: Surprise me. Wife: I used to be a man. Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
"
162166,"Top reddit posters should use their karma to help the environment They are already experts at recycling.
"
6655,"Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
"
145100,"Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans? Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.
"
85963,"How do you know a girl is into you? Just pinch yourself, if you don't wake up, she doesn't.
"
138324,"ME: *fumbling with bra* sorry im usually good at this HER: its...fine ME: *successfully gets bra off* there we go, now you take off yours
"
175969,"People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.
"
109274,"Give me a T! """"Give me a T."""" """"T"""" """"Give me a T."""" """"T"""" """"Oh, fuck it. I'll go to another cafe.""""
"
107131,"I once heard a dirty intellectual joke It blew my mind !!
"
170083,"What kind of coffee does an executioner drink? Decap
"
217551,"Dog walking is by far the easiest job I've done.. It was a walk in the park
"
183959,"I was offered a job working as medieval escort. Unfortunately, I turned it down because I would have to work fucking knights.
"
176820,"I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
"
209561,"How many guys in the friend zone does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they just stand around and compliment it and get pissed off when it doesn't screw.
"
152797,"3 great things about getting old and losing your memory 1. You're always making new friends. 2. Every joke you hear is new. 3. I uh, I forget the third one.
"
150239,"My teenage son is obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine. But I'm sure it's just a phase.
"
153643,"Why did the basement want to be a high rise? It was a motivated cellar. :|
"
2716,"What do Hispanic midgets cut their pizza with? Little Caesar's
"
134857,"Did you know that in Maine they will give you five-cents for a soda can, but they won't give you ANYTHING for a baby?
"
179450,"what did cinderella say when she got to the ball? """"ggggkkk"""" huh...kinda hard to tell this joke in text.
"
86491,"how did the Imam order his dessert? Allah mode
"
99194,"Guy tells buddy he thinks his wife is dead, when asked why, he said........ """"The sex is pretty well the same, but the dishes are piling up""""
"
230895,"I never drop names but I frequently drop babies.
"
181717,"Bigger Breasts Wife: """"How can I make my breasts bigger?"""" Husband: """"Just rub toilet paper between them"""" Wife: """"Why would that work?"""" Husband: """"It worked on your butt""""
"
80898,"Men 1 Women 0 If women can do anything men can, how come they've never successfully suppressed an entire gender? Men 1 Women 0.....
"
93264,"Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
"
132771,"""""I NEVER have enough pockets to carry all my awesome cargo!"""" - revolutionary shorts designer.
"
185597,"Whats the difference between a rectal and an oral thermometer? The taste.
"
47470,"I'm starting a new movement that encourages people to take things one step at a time Unfortunately, it's taking a long time to catch on.
"
54728,"I've been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from Bewitched, and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.
"
6056,"Everyone's gynecologist uses the term battle damage,' right?
"
128855,"If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you wagging its tail, you're in love with a dog & it probably just had to shit.
"
213058,"Doctor: You can only have clear liquids after midnight Me: Sure no problem Doctor: Not white wine Me:
"
27026,"Why was the cemetery plot salesman upset? Business was dead.
"
177239,"Why are ballerinas so vigilant? They are always kept on their toes.
"
10337,"I said """"Hi"""" to a feminist. The trial is scheduled for tomorrow
"
137450,"I had to file a sexual harassment claim against a squirrel in the park yesterday... ...he wouldn't stop trying to grab my nut sack.
"
151682,"[Mysoginistic joke] What's the definition of the perfect woman? Four feet tall, fold back teeth, flat head so you can rest your beer on it, and turns into a pizza at midnight.
"
102667,"Why didn't the atheist businesswoman make any money? She didn't believe in prophets.
"
58512,"A ham sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a cold one. The bartender replies, """"We don't serve food here"""".
"
93338,"What do you call shaving a crazy sheep? Shear madness.
"
146575,"Jokes About ESl classroom What is the longest word in the English language? SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!""""
"
84389,"Strawberries are like porn stars. They both have the seed on the outside.
"
120343,"At a Starbucks job interview """"What is your name?"""" -Alyssa """"Could you spell that, please?"""" -L A R I S S A """"When can you start?!""""
"
182127,"What """"c word"""" describes my girlfriend and why I'm not getting any? Carpaltunnel
"
117707,"Donald Trump ...Title says all.
"
122744,"Q: Why did the baker bake more bread? A: He kneaded the dough.
"
29190,"A three legged dog walks into a bar.... And says, """"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw!""""
"
112158,"Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? ... Incase he got a hole in one. HEHE one of my favs. Whats your fav joke?
"
165453,"Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
"
216613,"How can you tell the difference between normal and self-raising flour? One has parents
"
27695,"What did one wall say to the other? I'll meet you at the corner.
"
170524,"My uncle once punched his 8-year-old daughter for cheating while playing cards. *He takes strip poker very seriously.*
"
105897,"I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
"
41234,"If I have learned anything in life it's don't throw away your fat clothes
"
205617,"Jokes about German sausage are the wurst
"
219543,"Things I hate: lists, Oxford commas, and irony.
"
47023,"playboy: """"apparently they just read it for the articles"""" [takes out all nude women] every man on earth: """"well this has back-fired massively""""
"
171611,"These quad copters just can't seem to leave the news... The media and hobbyists just keep droning on and on about them
"
216008,"What did the groundhog's trainer tell him before the Olympics? Gopher gold.
"
33916,"What do you call an Asian flying a plane? A pirate.
"
165926,"What is the worst icebreaker? The Titanic
"
77390,"FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th
"
109190,"A half Chinese, half Italian mobster came into my store today He made me an offer I couldn't understand
"
68750,"French prostitutes in Pakistan come from La'whore Me to friend: What would you like, breast or legs? Friend to me: pussy, pussy and only pussy Me to friend: We are at KFC, not in a whorehouse
"
34826,"I think Head &amp; Shoulders should have a body wash line called Knees &amp; Toes
"
127645,"I'm thinking of becoming Hispanic just for the upside-down exclamation point. I like what you guys did there. I'm jealous.
"
123,"If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,""""Help, they've turned me into a parrot."""" you are wasting everybody's time.
"
85284,"I heard PAX and Comic Con won't be merging after all... They wanted to avoid so much.... con-fusion.
"
201237,"A guy ate part of his own arm while tripping on acid. After he found out what he'd done, he shit himself.
"
126599,"Why are jeering baseball fans like Grammar Nazis? They make the badder worse.
"
107208,"Did you know frogs can jump higher than houses? This is for two reasons: 1. Frogs have extremely strong hind legs. 2. Houses can't jump.
"
230573,"After growing a beard for two months I decided to shave it off. I must be a man now, because boy did that put hair on my chest!
"
54072,"My internet went out today so I went downstairs and talked to my family They seem like nice people.
"
99488,"Is Jared Fogle going to jail?? Because I heard he's looking at 8-12 years...
"
182896,"I asked my friend about their new glass dildo Apparently it's a pane in the ass
"
95991,"Why can't ISIS members go fuck themselves? Because sex with animals is haram.
"
42977,"Bad Luck I think my luck is getting worse. I was mugged by a Quaker.
"
34479,"Det. Chick Pea at your service. What do you call it when a chickpea smashes another chickpea to death. Hummuscide Thank you, I'll let myself out...
"
98826,"Hermione Granger: What can I wear that won't make me look fat? Ronald Weasley: An invisibility cloak
"
178844,"Donald Trump says he'll be more presidential from now on No Juan believes that!
"
144233,"What if Forrest Gump's e-mail password? 1Forrest1 ...yeah we all saw that one coming.
"
124033,"Doctor Doctor some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam. You're too tents.
"
211075,"Did you hear about the biggest breakfast ever served? Back in the 1940's, some guy made over 6 million jews toast.
"
131969,"I called my fishing boat """"Dubstep"""" Because it's the only time i drop the bass.
"
76175,"What did the artist say to himself before drawing his first penis? """"I'm gonna have to think long and hard about this one.""""
"
109791,"I miss being able to use the excuse """"I wasn't home when you called"""".
"
38195,"An electrician beat himself with live wires His wife called the police He was charged with battery.
"
21275,"Sex with three people is called a threesome, and two people is a twosome Now I know why everyone calls you handsome
"
44821,"What did Mick Jagger say when he walked in on Hugh Hefner in bed with Dennis Weaver? He said """"Hey Hey Hugh Hugh Get Off Of McCould""""
"
110990,"""""I'm independent"""" Said the Jamaican, showing me his initialised necklace.
"
144649,"Did you hear about the chronic binger who was allergic to his food? He bit off more than he *katchoo!*
"
18875,"I asked my friend from North Korea how it was to live there. He said he couldn't complain.
"
86236,"What's the simplest way to prevent rape? Consent.
"
17005,"What do you call a cat crossed with a canary? a cosh(x/a)
"
136524,"*interrogating a baby* """"Any first words?""""
"
95250,"What type of dog leaves a mark? shar pei
"
9257,"As seen on a masonry truck Cement shop robbed, police investigators find no concrete evidence
"
182097,"A skeleton walked into a pub... I'll have a pint and mop.
"
30925,"What's the second fastest thing in the world? &gt; Your asshole pinching shut after dropping a deuce. What's *the* fastest thing in the world? &gt; The ice-cold drop of water that gets in first.
"
225916,"Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the Asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.
"
231533,"Hi, I'm a high paid business consultant. I see you've named your business """"Dale's Paint Supplies"""" but what if it was named """"Best Dog Memes""""
"
151882,"When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
"
221619,"I Like My Coffe Like I Like My Slaves Free
"
101589,"Just told the Starbucks at the airport that my name was Ayatollah Bombface. Lol let's see wha
"
177630,"I'm very concerned with sleeveless shirts as of late I have a vested interest
"
229620,"Why is six afraid lf seven? Because seven just came back from a trip to West Africa.
"
166463,"when i found out i won the World's Saddest Man award i became slightly happy and was immediately stripped of my title
"
81799,"Why did the Anti vaccinator leave the solar system? Because he found mercury in it.
"
54306,"GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We [pug walks by] GOD: What...the HELL...is that
"
2820,"Niggawatt Def: theoretical unit of work. The amount of work 1 black man can produce in 1 hour.
"
175507,"What do you get when you cross a mormon and a raptor? A Utahraptor
"
154056,"Everyone type it with me: A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.
"
146796,"One day Ajay was feeling happy. Suddenly happy slapped Ajay.
"
188161,"This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said """"No thanks I'll walk""""
"
222128,"I said """"Margarita"""" 3 times in the mirror instead of """"Bloody Mary"""" and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.
"
154974,"When I was 8 years old.. My dad put Snowballs in the blender to make a slushie. I miss Snowballs, she was such a good cat.
"
123087,"What type of cereal goes to the gym twice a day? Shredded wheat. I wish I could pin this joke on a 4-year-old, I'm so sorry
"
127209,"If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your head-lights what happens?
"
218753,"Hank Hill works at an S&amp;M sex shop And he sells pro-pain accessories.
"
20893,"How did cell embarrass vegeta? He put a hole in his trunks.
"
113653,"When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus's chasing you
"
28013,"My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn't even come close to my 5 year old's reaction when I told him that there's no school today.
"
224429,"Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.
"
37141,"Your ex asking if you can still be friends is like kidnappers saying """"keep in touch"""" after they let you go.
"
59223,"We're out of toilet paper, also don't pet the cat.
"
128375,"There are so many songs that tell us how to breathe. It's like musicians and songwriters have never heard of the autonomic nervous system.
"
89283,"[calls wife] honey help 'whats wrong?' im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit 'ok just stop crying'
"
90237,"There's a problem I have with breastfeeding in public. They never wink back.
"
185589,"Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix? God: It's an idea I have for a public holiday. TJ: Huh? G: It's complicated.
"
110488,"Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer The first one says to the other one, """"Does this taste funny to you?"""" The other one says, """"No.""""
"
47292,"What do you call a woman who loves small dicks? Hopefully your girlfriend
"
101729,"Ovulation jokes aren't funny. Period.
"
211697,"I would pay so much money to watch the Harlem Globetrotters change a baby.
"
125657,"I'm sorry I poked your baby with your selfie stick but I didn't really know what to do with either of them.
"
199176,"Oops. Everyone brought their """"see you next year""""s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
"
202231,"A good book is like a good puppy. Both are easy to pick up but hard to put down.
"
158195,"Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?  That's where you wash all your vegetables!
"
216252,"Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he's boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
"
24104,"Is your refrigerator running? Well, you better get glasses, and stop doing drugs
"
111669,"Two thieves were caught with a load of stolen batteries and fireworks... ...one of them was charged, and the other was let off.
"
55216,"I tried to catch fog yesterday... Mist.
"
25734,"Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn't.
"
38695,"I miss the old days Nostalgia was better back then.
"
111288,"My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I'm the town doctor.
"
197075,"How should a doctor treat a patient with Mesothelioma? Asbestos he can.
"
65324,"The government just built an underground prison. They call it Concave. It's full of convex.
"
17196,"""""Well, I guess I'll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I'm not supposed to while you get irritated."""" Drunks & toddlers.
"
1753,"What book do you like the most? Woman: """"My husband's checkbook.""""
"
99024,"What do you call a mexican who has a rubber toe and lost his car, Robert carlos
"
135059,"Someone told me to go to Hell I told them I'd say hi to their mother for them
"
154855,"""""YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?"""" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
"
179412,"If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you're just diluting yourself.
"
184555,"My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
"
192253,"Bill Cosby is going to have a new show Women Say the Darndest Things
"
81154,"So I was at the club They played crank that, and I did the Superman. They played the Cupid shuffle, so I did the Cupid shuffle. They played Come on Eileen, and I got kicked out of the club.
"
17546,"What's the difference between an orphanage and a beach ball? You won't go to prison for blowing up a beach ball.
"
224772,"Why did the semen cross the road? Because I wore the wrong sock this morning
"
75432,"[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot's asleep
"
10737,"Why can't the pirate get to any subreddits? He keeps typing /arrr/
"
34630,"I keep the streets safe at night by staying home.
"
158035,"How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. But it takes five episodes.
"
195779,"There are three types of people in this world. People who can count and people who can't.
"
49877,"Tom Cruise's nickname in between the sheets Cruise missile.
"
89921,"Smokey the Bear just told me that only *I* could prevent forest fires. This is a lot of pressure, people.
"
52061,"When a woman asks how good I am in bed... I'm definitely not the second coming.
"
137606,"Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes? Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.
"
164045,"Some women are born to make history.... I prefer the ones who get deleted from mine.
"
39106,"Olympic wrestling is the only time there is a """"Clean and Jerk""""... in every other case, it's the other way round.
"
32118,"So one man walks into a bar and the other one ducks.
"
43534,"FINALLY in Toronto. Winter Olympics, here I come!
"
80753,"How does french cheese expire? From age
"
61223,"What do you call making jokes of a chicken on fire? Roasting a chicken.
"
101537,"The thunder god.. sat upon his favourite Filly, I'm Thor, He Cried! The Horse replied, You forgot your thaddle thilly
"
213105,"Arnold's is long and hard.. The president's is very short, Madonna doesn't have one, and the Pope has one, but he doesn't use it.
"
223247,"People are forgetting that illegals are """"stealing"""" jobs that no one else wants like the job of being Donald Trump's wife
"
219245,"I left my iPhone 7 in my car seat When I came back, the car window was broken. Someone had left another iPhone 7 in my car. So not fair!
"
221233,"Meatloaf just collapsed on stage Mom is losing her skills in the kitchen
"
203509,"Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading """"Hungry Hungry Hobo"""". I shouldn't laugh right?
"
74348,"A comma is the difference between """"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump, and Hillary Clinton."""" and """"Yesterday, I met the strippers, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton.""""
"
147688,"ur only a true 2012s kid if u remember kony
"
28147,"What do you call it when a plant used TV Tropes? A TV Tropism.
"
51776,"How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ? Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
"
191441,"Why doesn't Seattle have a professional volleyball team? Because then the people would demand a professional football team
"
51357,"What job pays you to shoot people but not harm them? A photographer.
"
135039,"What is the main difference between a drag show and a drag race? The phrase """"I blew a tranny"""" means something totally different.
"
128388,"Black Santa reached into his bag of presents... He may have been reaching for a weapon. An officer involved shooting occurred.
"
182036,"I've realised my works is like a gang rape... a bunch of dicks clustered around the cunt that's got no idea of what's gonna happen!
"
82800,"AT&T; always treats me like I have no shirt and no shoes.
"
6817,"No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.
"
135324,"How many ears does Mr. Spock have? 3; The left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
"
162715,"There is a tribe in Africa that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred?
"
8462,"Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
"
164963,"Why do women wear makeup and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
"
129963,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bosnia ! Bosnia who ? Bosnia bell here earlier !
"
138316,"Duct Tape is a lot like The Force It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.
"
216524,"I tried changing my password to """"Goku"""" But facebook said it was too weak.
"
42049,"I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
"
29621,"It's great to get laid, It's awesome to get off, but damn it sucks to get laid off.
"
58803,"The New England Patriots deflate balls to win a game... and get punished with a low pressure system.
"
32056,"If we're all God's Children... What's so special about Jesus ?
"
113736,"I started a camp for kids with ADHD. It's a Concentration camp.
"
7701,"Two gay guys are hanging out... Two gay guys are hanging out, and one says to the other, """"Hey, let's play hide and go seek! Loser gets fucked in the ass... I'll be behind the couch.""""
"
34422,"What has 6 arms, 3 legs, and 2 feet? The Boston marathon finish line.
"
82792,"Don't commit suicide by jumping off a building or they might report it as a parkour accident.
"
149847,"Premature ejaculators are like Christians They are all waiting for resurrection and second coming.
"
218572,"*wife comes home* """"Did you fix the toilet?"""" Yep! [she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums] """"You called the plummer again you idiot!!!""""
"
134501,"Facebook says: I know everyone. Google says: I know everything. The """"Internet"""" says: Ya'll are nothing without me. Electricity says: Not this game again...
"
118713,"When Yoshi gets sick from eating too many goombas, what procedure should Dr. Mario conduct? A Nintendoscopy!
"
193108,"Local mom loses 190 pounds with this one simple trick! She sold my weight set at the damn garage sale.
"
183984,"Two aerials get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
"
45632,"If you were 8 years old when """"red, red wine"""" was released UB40 now.
"
18586,"Knock Knock. Who's there? I eat mop. I eat mop who?
"
220951,"smh, I bought tickets to Disney on ice & it was just 2 hours of Donald Duck smoking crystal meth
"
139566,"""""I got you, babe."""" - kidnappers
"
184554,"My wife told me not to say anything about her friend's lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
"
195213,"What do you call a gay guy in a coma? Fruity.
"
125541,"Limericks eh? There once was a student named Clouse Who proclaimed to the boys of his house I will take a firm stand That a tit in the hand Is much better than two in the blouse
"
156968,"Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I'll read 4 or 5 status updates and I'll cry, because they suck and I realize that I've wasted 2 or 3 minutes of my life.
"
33909,"How are the Twin Towers and Gender Similar? There used to be two, now it's offensive to talk about.
"
24785,"Can't trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
"
27281,"What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? Ones a Goodyear; the others a fucking amazing year.
"
122679,"I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression. Then I realized alcohol is a solution.
"
185558,"How do you get Dick out of Richard? You ask nicely
"
134876,"Death is not the end. You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
"
70052,"I was loving the song with the great beat in the lunchroom at work today when I realized it was the dishwasher running. It's great to be me.
"
116700,"I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
"
17969,"I was left alone for 3 hours and I almost cut my hand off trying to open a banana.
"
17777,"Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, """"But Chuck Norris isn't black"""", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.
"
110429,"How do Buddhist monks compare interests? With zen diagrams!
"
58657,"Just once, I'd like to open up my refrigerator and find cartoon versions of my favorite foods arguing over which one of them is healthier.
"
170019,"4 stages of a relationship: 1) Hand in hand 2) That in hand 3) Hand in that 4) That in that
"
177305,"""""murder"""" she wrote """"your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter"""" the screen said """"murd3R"""" she wrote, frowning
"
168628,"Working with underprivileged children is really rewarding because I get to tell people about it.
"
38503,"What do you call a search for small guitars? Uke hunt!
"
80220,"Everyone always thinks I'm gay... Even my boyfriend.
"
104614,"""""Now officer, hear me out: alcohol is a depressant and cocaine is a stimulant. Therefore, mixed in equal parts, I'm basically sober!""""
"
94277,"Why did the cat cross the road? Because curiousity was on the other side
"
136528,"How did the media find out that princess Diana had dandruff? They saw her head and shoulders in the glove compartment
"
218595,"Hot girls on Twitter: Single and straight: 3% Lesbians: 12% Taken and straight: 15% Men: 70%
"
202293,"I have a hard time believing an auto dealer really wants my business if their entire lot isn't covered in the shade of helium balloons.
"
56752,"Someone needs to tell attractive people that their stories are boring.
"
159662,"What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in it's eye? Chicken caesar salad.
"
223933,"What is the etymology of the word """"politics""""? *Poli*, from the Greek *polloi*, meaning """"Many"""". And *Ticks*, from English, meaning """"little bloodsucking creatures.""""
"
227473,"Going to meet my daughter's kindergarten teacher tonight. Her name is Miss Cox. Not sure I'm mature enough for this situation.
"
13376,"hey, so much for global warming -- look at all this snow! and so much for global globalness, look how flat it is out there!
"
35640,"Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Hello! Is it me you're looking for? Hello! Is it me you're looking for? (Lionel Richie, speed dating)
"
193602,"ME: *staring into my lover's eyes in the midst of a warm embrace* HER: What are you thinking? ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
"
61408,"How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb To get to the other side
"
169167,"How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Light bulb.
"
125907,"So I just started my own indoor ship production company. Production was great, until sales started going through the roof.
"
135628,"You hear Charlie sheen is starring on a new show. It's called Two and a half T-cells
"
20945,"What does the funeral director say to the 11am service goers? Mournin'
"
130655,"What is a pirates favorite letter? P. Because without it, he'd be irate.
"
85452,"I was bullied in high school by the X men. No, not the group of crime fighting mutants, but a bunch of transgender females who were better at sports than I was.
"
66685,"When not in stores Republicans shop from a  catalog. Democrats watch for """"incredible TV offers"""" on late night television.
"
159613,"Coworker: Do u have a phone charger? Me: No. CW: How about the 1 on your desk? Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?! CW: OMG! *runs away*
"
152817,"This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
"
26988,"A carpenter's workshop's light went out To find his way around, he picked up his hammer and saw.
"
127038,"I was supposed to make a Mayweather joke but it ran away.
"
109431,"I recently learned that anecdotal evidence is not scientifically valid A few friends told me how badly it went for them.
"
26835,"Why cant a bike stand up by itself? It's two tired.
"
215799,"Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King Richard III Spoiler Alert: Richard III dies in the end.
"
173871,"Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution? Wife: Yes. Me: We have hard wood floors. Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
"
199045,"Why did the blonde call the welfare  office? She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
"
221954,"The barber in my neighborhood just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer of his for 4 years, and I never knew he was a barber.
"
180032,"What gets bigger everytime I see my wife. My wife.
"
126793,"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till it's Bill Withers.
"
179475,"What tends to satisfy thirst the most? Waterboarding.
"
179835,"Yo mama so stupid she went to the orthodontist to get a blue tooth
"
212099,"If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
"
144260,"If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they've been drinking in order to establish dominance.
"
33294,"[Talking w/Doc] The wife wants to try period sex """"Seems unsanitary to me"""" I dont think u understand- *wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
"
215384,"My favorite sexual position is the JFK... It's where I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.
"
63486,"""""Serving size: half sandwich."""" Really, ice-cream sandwich manufacturers? I know what you're doing. And I don't like it.
"
22697,"A Mexican walked into a Polish store and greeted every one. He was handed a sausage. Edit: Ok I will walk myself out...
"
149899,"""""Good for you"""" was said unsarcastically only that first time.
"
83903,"Does money shrink when you wash it? No, but it does when you launder it!
"
25457,"Recent studies have shown that 63% of women have used vibrators. The other 37% have brand new ones.
"
168186,"I went to the zoo the other day.. I went to the zoo the other day, but there was only one animal... It was a Shit-zoo
"
226235,"What's the most popular song at the new Freddie Mercury night club? Dancing Queen.
"
79158,"Why are Prank Videos AIDS? Because they are people gone sexual, happen in the hood and is sex gone wrong.
"
7595,"They say they're free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.
"
60964,"Met a contortionist, said, """"When you wanna get sexual?"""" She said, """"However I fit in your schedule. I'm flexible.""""
"
54100,"A high-dea supported by evidence... Is called a High-pot-thesis
"
57049,"Ten years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
"
190473,"A man said to me """"hit me with your rhythm stick you four-eyed sod."""" That's just adding insult to Ian Dury.
"
86973,"My bra has felt way too tight all day. Sorry I just had to get that off my chest.
"
218386,"What do you say when you are comforting a grammar Nazi? there, their, they're.
"
127430,"If you're between a rock and a hard place ... Stop using crack.
"
11114,"Saw a billboard that said: Don't be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don't be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
"
203979,"How to curse like an Irishman """"Whale oil beef hooked!""""
"
49822,"What Do you call an alligator in a vest? An a investigator.
"
19759,"What does the nationalist sing at Christmas? Jingo Bells.
"
193001,"Why was the robber so secure? He was a safe robber.
"
207153,"Which US president is most responsible for unemployment in the US today? Abraham Lincoln.
"
207531,"My ex just called me, sobbing on the phone to tell me she has AIDS and I should get checked. The hardest part is acting surprised.
"
228964,"whats the difference between my driveway and 14 year old daughter? ... I pull out of my driveway
"
118828,"A new mint flavored contraceptive taken before sex... called Predickamints.
"
111359,"If Jesus had been LGBT, what would Pilate now be known for asking? What is bruth?
"
66171,"Did you hear about Dictionary: The Musical? It's a play on words...
"
179455,"Did you hear about the kidnapping in the park? He finally woke up.
"
88545,"What do you get when you mix an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering whether or not there is dog.
"
171580,"If God doesn't want us to masturbate... then why does he always make one sock disappear in the dryer?
"
179805,"I dunno if a gun would be my murder weapon of choice but it's worth a shot.
"
37760,"I met a guy from Seattle on the chairlift when skiing today... I asked him if he wanted to do a run and he replied, """"No thanks, I'll pass.""""
"
14051,"Did you hear about the cannibal who showed up late to the luncheon? They gave him the cold shoulder.
"
122259,"[at pet store] Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
"
38519,"Mr. Habbits overdosed on dick pills old habbits die hard
"
198726,"I would really appreciate it if everyone great would stop dying
"
6908,"Jesus spoke to me yesterday... But I don't like talking to my roofers, so I had his brother Juan tell him not to do that in the future.
"
137256,"i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying """"i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50's"""".......... no u don't
"
17934,"why does the ad before the thing I want to watch play with ease but the thing I want to watch is like OH NO I'M FREAKING OUT BUFFER! BUFFER!
"
72087,"my biggest fear is ants working together to lift my house up, and bring it somewhere
"
15842,"[LPT] Choose the song you hate the most as your alarm tone and place your phone as far as possible Then turn your phone off and sleep like a champion.
"
42354,"Why did the chicken decide not to cross the road? because it did.
"
177148,"There were tons of reddit admins responsible for today's commotion. But not many of them.
"
163586,"How did Moses make his tea. Hebrew it. This is not a joke Israel.
"
212030,"Why did Reddit have a rapid implosion/explosion this afternoon? I heard it had something to do with supermassive bodies.
"
8818,"After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn't stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we'd all be a lot skinnier.
"
144692,"I love whiteboards. They're remarkable.
"
217140,"My husband thinks it's really weird I only like green bananas and I think it's really weird I have a husband.
"
136850,"The Gay Magician Hey, Did you hear about the gay magician?........... He pulled a rabbit out of his ass!
"
195826,"Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He tried to drink tea before it was cool.
"
220744,"Why does the Earth love geologists? They really get it's rocks off
"
144219,"I forgot to bring my towel to the gym... But I'm not gonna sweat it.
"
201234,"Did you hear about the kid that became a paraplegic? He had to roll with it...
"
50676,"Alcohol and calculus don't go together very well. Don't drink and derive.
"
210444,"My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley. Clearly, I'm going to hell. My kids don't know what Bob Marley looks like
"
171845,"Why did the bishop love Walmart? 'Coz the boys pants are all half off.
"
138515,"Awwww, so cute how Disney went from making brilliant animated movies to mass producing cleverly disguised teenage whores.
"
39798,"I went to a zoo that only had a dog... It was a shih tzu.
"
189655,"Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
"
32618,"This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
"
59042,"PREACHER: any prayer requests? 3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
"
84073,"At the bus stop """"Wow, the boy over there is ugly."""" - """"That's my Son!"""" - """"Oh sorry, I did not know that you are the father"""" - **""""I am his mother!""""**
"
22471,"Did you hear about the cyclopic tutor? He had only one eye, but two pupils!
"
227484,"The England team won't be voting in the referendum They can never find the box let alone put a cross in it.
"
125407,"After the news today, I went to a Chinese restaurant and made a special order... Kung Pao.
"
15234,"Did you hear about the Piano Teacher that slept with his student? She was A Minor.
"
122159,"Mum: Haven't you finished filling the salt shaker yet ? Son: Not yet. It's really hard to get the salt through all those little holes !
"
59108,"Whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I wouldn't pay 200 to have a lentil on in my mouth
"
135965,"*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school* *teacher walks towards man* """"are you expecting a child?"""" """"no thats from all the beer""""
"
29149,"A feminist and a fascist walks into a bar She orders a glass of wine
"
166994,"I don't want to die doing something I love. I want to die doing something I hate. That way I don't have to finish it.
"
157214,"Luke tried to open a pull door by pushing... He had an extremely confused """"luke"""" on his face
"
158908,"What is the black kid getting for Christmas? Your T.V.
"
10714,"Set my phone to change K to Okay!! so I don't look rude. Now it looks like I'm all excited about stupid shit, and I'm Okay!! with that.
"
108900,"Why did the snowman take his pants off? Because he heard the snow blower coming.
"
138382,"A university in the United States was robbed of a whopping $170,000 One student managed to erase his own debt.
"
127753,"Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream """"STOP WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME!"""" to white kids playing basketball.
"
5281,"You're the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.
"
207270,"[on a first date] Ok, don't let her know you're really a squirrel... Her: I had a great time, good night! Me: *runs in front of her car
"
34023,"The personal trainer at the gym advised me to try some resistance training. So far it's going really well. I've resisted going to the gym for six days now.
"
29554,"Jon Snow ask a wildlings how to have.. sex. she said , you know nothing jon snow.
"
113576,"Beer commercials tell us we should drink """"responsibly"""". So I'm starting a college fund for my kids with all the empty cans.
"
207864,"A man overdosed on viagra It was the hardest day of his life
"
97184,"Margret Thatcher Walks Up to the Pearly Gates Saint Peter looks at her and says """"Is this some kind of joke?""""
"
187757,"If I was rich I'd hire a guy named Matt to stand in the tub and I'd call him my """"bath Matt."""" And I'd also do stuff for malaria and stuff.
"
114987,"I think I might have a shower. *checks* Yes, I have a shower.
"
136295,"Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.
"
170694,"*watches a house fall on you* *steals your shoes*
"
124023,"I lost 100 pounds with this simple trick I gave it to charity
"
192117,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Amanda ! Amanda who ? Amanda the table!
"
108171,"Mountains aren't just funny... They're hill areas.
"
89334,"I just read Jules Verne's 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea It sure is a story with a lot of depth.
"
58902,"All these Fifty Shades of Grey jokes... Guys, stop, they're whore-ible.
"
80079,"Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
"
62335,"So my dog told me it was into BDSM So I tied it up and turned on the vacuum cleaner
"
225171,"The FDA has announced a ban of all pre-shredded cheeses They want to make America grate again.
"
190024,"Tequila is just the grown up version of choose your own adventure books.
"
205781,"I like being handcuffed, but not plant heroin in my car, handcuffed.
"
2259,"[god creating ants] Anteater: finally
"
6552,"I don't care what people think of me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive.
"
44784,"What's a ghost's favorite sexual act? A boooooooooooobjob
"
56219,"Alton towers changed its name! To leg - go land
"
62568,"wife: You're home early me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
"
218878,"Why do women fake orgasms? I wish they'd just be honest. I've only faked an orgasm once, when I was being mugged..... That scared him off.
"
122859,"What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
"
213774,"I make my kids drink tap water because I feel their chances of gaining unexplained super powers are greater with tap.
"
15929,"I know the real reason the Pope is resigning. He finally realized that they were never going to promote him to God.
"
230258,"Knock knock? 1 Who's there? 2 Allah 1 Allah who? 2 ALLAHU ACKBAR
"
151590,"What do diapers and politicians have in common? They both need to be changed after a while for the same reason
"
207196,"What does George RR Martin call his erectile dysfunction? Writer's cock
"
203846,"IAMA casting director for adult movies. I'm looking for women over 35 for my latest film, """"MILFNADO"""". AMA!
"
165313,"You'd think the police would patrol this 'Knifepoint' place more carefully... Especially with all the rape and robberies that are committed there.
"
111519,"Do you guys know the difference between """"girlfriend"""" and """"girl friend?"""" ... that little empty void in the middle.. Known as the """"friend zone"""" ..
"
75882,"I cried during that sad part of Titanic, when Rose threw that beautiful diamond in the ocean.
"
29564,"[stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before.
"
20278,"REMINDER: If men could get pregnant, birth control would be in Hooters' wing sauce.
"
151062,"If the Cholera Doesn't Get Ya... Your on the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You laugh and say """"Terry is a girls name!"""" He shoots you. You have died of dissin Terry.
"
88164,"I hate when people leave their shit in the bathroom I don't know what's so good about the showers. The toilets are right next to them!
"
166044,"There are only two reasons to hate gay marriage. Either you're dumb or you're secretly worried that dicks are delicious.
"
157355,"A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related.
"
128552,"Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo? They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.
"
193507,"I was homeless for 10 years and decided to apply for a position to hold a company's sign on the sidewalk... The company told me that they were sorry but I was overqualified.
"
27553,"I bought a pair of sneakers from my drug dealer I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day!
"
224186,"Subway is releasing a new Jared inspired sandwich to promote healthy eating in the jail! It's called the Hot Dick Sandwich and only comes in 9 inches.
"
73098,"My wife just left me because I spent our life savings on a penis enlargement... She couldn't take it any longer
"
87479,"Fucking dirigibles.
"
22079,"For Sale : Crystal Ball Cant see any future in keeping it
"
64583,"Why couldn't the pirate use the bubblegum vending machine? Because there is no quarter for the wicked.
"
123430,"How does Lord Voldemort like his pussy? (whisper) HHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY
"
14406,"I remember staying up all night waiting for Santa to come When he was done he'd pull up his pants and say """"See ya next year kid""""
"
8112,"Where do magical animals go to jail? Azkabarn
"
98906,"Ever notice that Reddit is obsessed with correcting mistakes? Me to.
"
172004,"How can you make a slow horse fast? Don't give him any food.
"
110840,"A child drinks bleach, why is milk often given? To make them happy before they die
"
204579,"I like to take my girlfriend to restaurants so she can complain I call it """"whining and dining""""
"
51072,"Job interview with Al-Qaeda Had a job interview with Al-Qaeda today. """"Where do you see yourself exploding in five years? """", they asked.
"
159686,"Q: How do you say """"take a shit"""" in Japanese? A: Shit-take Q: How do you say """"took a shit"""" in Japanese? A: Shit-take-mashita
"
10823,"If you and I are still single in 200 years let's agree to haunt a Burger King as a singular entity.
"
185972,"Who do zombie cowboys fight? Deadskins.
"
205589,"How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, feminists can't change anything
"
229784,"When is a lion not a lion ? When he turns into his cage !
"
150546,"Why shouldn't you buy a Unionmade watch? For every day it's working, it will break twice, yet still skips ahead half an hour while you're eating lunch.
"
182147,"What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don't get support, people will think we're nuts.
"
157157,"In Soviet Russia, Russia Soviet.
"
88726,"What do they call pita bread in Mexico? Pita pan
"
199516,"Why are anorexic people cannibals? Because they're always putting their fingers in their mouths.
"
74795,"what did the police do when they wanted to interrogate mark? question mark.
"
127838,"I get so excited when someone brings out the cake at a birthday party because that means I can leave soon.
"
120276,"What kind of shoes do pedophiles wear? White Vans
"
148961,"let me uncover this truth son-of-a-bitch
"
105096,"I liked you better before we met.
"
182028,"A man speaks with his daughter. Father : Well, you fuck way better than your mother. Daughter : I know, my brothers told me!
"
52041,"I never feel more hypocritical than when I tell my kid she's been on the computer too much.
"
205210,"A horror movie with all black people lmao """"Ayo what's going down in ya basement?"""" """"That ain't my business"""" """"I feel ya"""" *Rolls credits*
"
69916,"What is easy to register for, but something you never want? Sex offender.
"
179304,"An atheist's response to witnessing the second coming of Christ. """"Well, I'll be damned.""""
"
102590,"I met a famous American comedian on a White House tour I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said, """"Hey, I thought you retired in 2009?""""
"
108848,"Never get a circumcision from an unqualified professional It's a rip off
"
195380,"Two balloons are floating across the desert One balloon says to the other, Look out for the cactussssssssssssssssssss!
"
148555,"I hear voices in my head sometimes. I just ignore them and keep killing people.
"
101794,"19 and 20 got in a fight... 21
"
219434,"A yoga pants owner, an uggs owner, and an iphone owner walks into a starbucks She orders a drink - Pumpkin Spice Latte
"
113478,"what's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair
"
108265,"What is a Hindu? It lays eggs
"
207589,"""""Wanna solve a meat puzzle?"""" is a good pickup line
"
109486,"What is the Kingsman policy on workplace relationships? (OC) Brogues before Hos
"
177898,"Opinions are like herpes outbreaks. Nobody wants them.
"
117634,"If you used to be transgender but aren't anymore.. would that make you a transformer?
"
121491,"What do politics and orgies have in common? A bunch of dicks and cunts trying to screw each other.
"
4843,"my agent sent me a list of my followers & circled all crude avatars in red ink. if i dont block these people it WILL cost me the Arby's deal
"
188552,"Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining because of the cold. I'm whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
"
47543,"Me: """" Doctor can you die from Constipation"""" ? I'm a bit worried how full of Shit some people are !""""
"
222783,"I was asked to grade Caitlyn Jenner I went with a D-
"
138923,"Ladies, if your man says he'll fix it, he will. There's no reason to remind him every 6 months.
"
196274,"School is like a boner... It's long and hard unless you're Asian
"
32190,"Ah, the great Rental Car Kabuki Dance: I turn down the coverage and prepaid gas, the clerk admonishes me for the folly of my ways.
"
92475,"The reason I like Twitter is because the ladies on here LIKE being followed. Unlike like little miss restraining order down the street.
"
215347,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Austen ! Austen who ? Austen-tentatiously well off !
"
108629,"What is Michael Bay's favorite move in chess? C4
"
117768,"Enough Holocaust jokes. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. Just kidding. He was there though.
"
201925,"what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
"
133873,"Why does Richard have a small dick? Because Dick is short for Richard.
"
73532,"A girl's tinder bio said """"I would die without food"""" uh okay me too
"
62564,"What does a mathematicion find in a forest? A natural log.
"
195635,"Therapist: So why doesn't the marriage work? Wife: My husband uses to many Star Wars puns Husband: Divorce is strong in this one
"
76000,"Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
"
169474,"I had to put my dog down last night He's just too darn heavy to carry around anymore.
"
98243,"A bought my girlfriend bondage supplies as a gag gift She was at a loss for words
"
87436,"[Jogs to a halt in front of you minutes after a fire truck passes]That guy's (panting) never gonna sell any fire (panting) driving that fast
"
54544,"You think YOUR economy is bad? Around here the hookers are giving free blowjobs just to get something hot on their bellys!
"
217108,"There's a guy whose whole job is to find new places to hide the """"close this ad"""" button.
"
30498,"What's the difference between a peeping Tom and a pick pocket The pick pocket snatches watches
"
122214,"Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I've had to do.
"
31374,"How are a full count in baseball and a mutated 2 time convict the same? They both have 3 balls and 2 strikes.
"
176434,"Why did Dr Facilier cross the road? He had friends on the other side.
"
94801,"""""Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho""""
"
180067,"Why do older polygons make sure their sides all stay an equal length? It keeps you regular.
"
102098,"What does a virgin woman and a shotgun have In common? One cock and they're ready to burst. EDIT: grammar, thanks /u/J7T12
"
225599,"Who built King Arthur's round table? Circumference
"
63583,"People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones. But people in ABU DHABI DO!
"
125246,"My doctor diagnosed me with premature ejaculation and diarrhea. I feel like I'm always coming and going.
"
7001,"Why did the feminist cross the road? To suck my cock!
"
61190,"Whats the best part about sex with a pregnant woman? You get a blowjob from the fetus.
"
15034,"What do you call a weirdo slowly driving a jeep past an elementary school? Jeeper creeper!
"
221571,"What do airlines and prostitutes have in common? You pay them and get fucked
"
88173,"They planned the date when the Burj Khalifa would be finished in advance... They wanted to know when it'd be due by
"
152753,"Why don't single women fart? Because they only get assholes once they're married.
"
65512,"Why are there no Walmarts in Iraq? Because they are all Targets.
"
223685,"what was wrong with the air? the swine flu
"
157853,"TIL 90% of statistics are bullshit, including this one.
"
95709,"Which white dude probably had the biggest dick? Michael Jackson
"
127088,"What's the best thing about Switzerland? Idk, but it's flag is a big plus
"
197126,"[penguin waddles into computer repair store] """"Hi yes my laptop is frozen"""" ... Computer repair guy - """"how did you get to Milwaukee""""
"
141271,"Break ups are the worst in China You see her face everywhere
"
79310,"When are you allowed to play with scissors? Never, under no circumcises!
"
12727,"I met a sick bird yesterday that got deported. The cops kept yelling about him being an """"ill-eagle"""".
"
83159,"How do you turn on a female mathematician? You Euler up.
"
200562,"What do neutrinos and I have in common? We're both constantly penetrating your mom.
"
20743,"I like my bourbon the way the Chinese like their women... 11 years old and mixed up with coke.
"
214719,"""""I'm supes scared & all alone & in my underwear. What's that noise in the basement? I should totes go check it out."""" - Virgins tonight
"
101097,"My first post. It's also a tech pun. Konrad Zuse's Z1 was so slow it hertz.
"
64293,"Jon Snow contracted malaria after getting stabbed... """"How did you get malaria from a stab?"""" """"Malaryan Steel.""""
"
54894,"How to walk up the down escalator: Step 1: Step 1: Step 1: Step 1: Step 1:
"
70997,"Have you been on /r/bigdickproblems ? Of course you haven't.
"
8828,"Do you know what they feed you at Guantanamo Bay? Well after being there for 30 years, neither do I!
"
16281,"When you're on a date that's not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis. You're welcome.
"
56348,"Ted Cruz is complaining about """"liberal fascism,"""" so I guess he's just stringing random unrelated words together, like """"potato doorknob.""""
"
1251,"What is worse than biting through an apple, and finding a worm inside? ~~Rape~~ The picky fuckers on this website.
"
171496,"A koala is sitting in a bar.. I chopped him up and put him in there. I couldn't make him fit as a whole.
"
29446,"[NSFW] what do you call a Uk police woman with a shaved pussy? Cuntstubble
"
113204,"Gf: come over Me: can't, playing the new call of duty Gf: my parents are out of town Me: you're 30 years old, grow up
"
34746,"*tweets about new invisibility cloak invention* *forgets where he left it*
"
65771,"Why are 9/11 victims the best readers? They can go through 94 stories in seconds! Edit: Please don't hurt me.
"
2366,"You know how they say """"if you snooze you lose""""... I snooze every morning and have never lost any sleep over it.
"
135044,"Kanye running for president.
"
37642,"I bet the best way to disguise your surveillance van is not to use van at all. Like, whoa, who's in that hot air balloon? Probably not cops.
"
60448,"Do arcades ever clean the joysticks? 'Cause I've sucked on a few and they tasted awful.
"
1383,"Are they """"haters"""" or just """"people who noticed that you're a dick""""? Check again.
"
164448,"What I say to someone who's being crabby: Clam down, I'm shore it'll be fine.
"
51104,"I know we're not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
"
73432,"I've heard muslims are bad in bed After the first scream they go off
"
14373,"The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
"
177297,"Did you hear about the black guy that jumped off of the Empire State Building Black lives splatter
"
80916,"Today, I'm going to give it my some.
"
19782,"Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse.
"
220159,"I don't see countries or borders, I don't see color or race or anything that differentiates people. Seriously, I think I fucked up my eyes.
"
165429,"What kind of soda do dogs drink? Barq's Root Beer.
"
163367,"What's a commercial fisherman's favorite instrument? Castanets!
"
9715,"Why can't Abraham Lincoln be convicted for murder? Because he's in a cent.
"
91892,"My phone keeps going missing Serves me right for leaving it on airplane mode
"
66705,"Dayum girl, did you fall down from heaven? Cuzz ur face is fcked up.
"
197556,"What do you call a potato with one oar? A row-tater.
"
44882,"My jokes are like straws They suck.
"
229823,"Knock Knock! Who's there? Frank Sinatra! Frank Sinatra who? Seriously?
"
187098,"You could very well be going to heaven but it won't be hell in hell without you!
"
56852,"What do you call a pretzel with roofies in it? Forget-me-knots!
"
120162,"All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.
"
167719,"Girlfriends are like puppies... They start out wanting to cuddle and kiss your face, but soon grow into a bitch.
"
98172,"If you're not cheating on me, then why won't you let me install surveillance cameras in your house.
"
187054,"How many """"friend zoned"""" guys does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
"
65682,"How many suh dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Zero because it's already lit fam.
"
61978,"When i was young my mom used to put food on the spoon.. and sing """"train is coming, train is coming""""... I'd always eat cause i knew if i didn't, she wouldn't untie me from the railway line.
"
96497,"How do you know when there's a lead singer at the door? The knocking is all out of rhythm, they can't find the key, and they never know when to come in!
"
194632,"What's the hardest thing about skydiving? The ground.
"
69341,"What do you call a teacher who doesn't flatulate in public. A private tutor. -Credits to my cousin ;)
"
114775,"I was at a gay nineties party last night. All the men were gay and all the women were ninety.
"
144356,"I'm surprised that more people don't become astronauts The amount of space cadets I come across is startling
"
192564,"What's the difference between your mom and a drug dealer? Your mom can wash her crack and re-sell it.
"
96269,"What did Obi-Wan Kenobi say to his wife when she cheated on him? """"May divorce be with you.""""
"
56506,"What does the future hold? Global warming, depleted resources, & species going extinct. But also the iPhone 5, so it's break even.
"
123967,"I just got an eyelash in my eye and I'm yelling at it cuz it's supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, """"YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.""""
"
171746,"Two toilets were fighting one day when the first toilet said to the second toilet """"Put up your dooks"""".
"
175069,"I suggested a threesome to my girlfriend. """"That's fine,"""" she said, """"Just not with another girl."""" """"OK then, I'll call up James and Daniel."""" I replied.
"
139979,"What do they call number 17 in black jack ? The stepmother, because sometimes you want to hit her, even though you shouldn't
"
189740,"On the last day of camp everyone was asked the same question: 'What is the best part of the camp?' One wise guy answered 'Going home!'
"
24091,"I don't think none of Christopher Nolan's ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.
"
65484,"There's currently a thin shell of space, hurtling through the solar system at 67,000 mile per hour, in which boners must be blurred. """"Japan""""
"
214543,"*knock knock* whos there? sir theres been an accident. theres been an accident who?
"
172117,"I love the people in parking lots with """"free kittens"""" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn't be oppressed.
"
147711,"How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't see the point and just sit in the dark.
"
158636,"Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends? She came home with a red snapper!
"
75952,"Imagine us waiting for 2016 and all of sudden comes 2015 s
"
117135,"Becoming a vegetarian Is a big missed steak
"
95830,"Guys, we really should have seen Steve Irwin's death coming... ... he always let animals into his heart.
"
100633,"I knew a guy who was dyslexic... ...but he was also cross-eyed, so everything came out right.
"
107833,"What is another word for a python ? A mega-bite !
"
206071,"I don't eat some foods. -vagueans
"
416,"The best thing about adolescent humor... is that it never gets old!
"
97333,"Zeroing a scale is a tare-able decision . . . I'm sorry
"
144097,"I tried to change my password to mypenis But it said it was too long.
"
29465,"I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
"
120675,"Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.
"
122228,"I just set Twitter to post to Facebook, and Facebook to tweet to Twitter... So the internet should explode any minute now.
"
191337,"Why Nissan Sunny? Is there Nissan Rainy?
"
139587,"Confucius say... Do not meet girl in park. Park meat in girl.
"
10968,"Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement
"
165500,"Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
"
52642,"kid who doesn't believe in Santa What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
"
208333,"What do you call those people who follow musicians around and try to hang with them after the show? Drummers.
"
137025,"One day I'd like to donate to the porn industry for all the free porn I've watched. They've gotten me through some hard times.
"
34609,"Ok, another Grandfather joke. (revised) Just joking they're both locked in my basement with their mouths gagged while I collect their social security checks.
"
159436,"I would never get a minivan because I can't even think of 7 people I'd want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
"
111407,"Friend asks me to be her maid of honor: M-What do I have to do? F-Well I know you, so I'm expecting very little. Mission accomplished.
"
182990,"Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we're in jail.
"
3878,"Why did the bubblegum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken's legs.
"
16489,"How many jews can you fit in a Volkswagen beetle? 4 in the seats and 47 in the ashtray.
"
35979,"Racing snail. My racing snail hadn't been out for a while, so i took his shell off to make him more streamlined. Unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.
"
163249,"Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven't answered her email and she wouldn't know the new address to send it to.
"
39953,"Ever turn the radio right to your favorite song as it's beginning? It almost makes up for the fact that everyone you love will die sometime.
"
61035,"What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? About tennish
"
42460,"Is your refrigerator running?? Because I might vote for it.
"
90104,"Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated aarrrh.
"
64965,"I hear the Black Knight isn't as bad as he seems... He's medieval
"
188834,"What do you call a Jewish beer? A Hebrew
"
178440,"In World War 3, which country would retreat first? Iran.
"
129331,"What do you call a mosquito sitting on your wife's cheek? A golden opportunity
"
190036,"What's the difference between a woman and bacon....? You can't beat bacon....!
"
17176,"What's the difference between cancer and black men Cancer got Jobs.
"
87756,"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
"
13857,"US follows Britain BRITAIN: """"Hey, America, watch this!"""" *BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE* USA: """"Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?""""
"
95973,"Yo momma so fat, that when god said """"let there be light"""" she had to move over. In light of the recent yo momma jokes on this sub.
"
139153,"How do you call a lesbian dinosaur Lickalotopus
"
173519,"What did my wife say to me? I want a divorce
"
162660,"What's all natural, well balanced, and comes in pints? An elephant sitting on your fence masturbating.
"
220465,"Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
"
92966,"When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel. Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.
"
58750,"Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo?  One to get in and one to get out.
"
27960,"What advantage do gay black guys have over gay white guys? They only have to come out to their mother.
"
138271,"I like my coffee like I like my slaves... Free.
"
196817,"I was at a restaurant and my waitress had a black eye So I ordered really slow, because she obviously doesn't listen
"
110257,"A pirate walks into a bar The bar tender notices that he has a ships wheel sticking out of the front of his pants, he asks """"doesn't that bother you"""". And the pirate says """"arrrr it's drivin me nuts""""
"
133453,"Girl at party tells me that """"That wasn't funny"""". Her review was biased one, as she was the subject of """"That"""" that """"wasn't funny"""".
"
66152,"I wonder if they ever considered calling it Jerry & Ben's.
"
163659,"How do you know someone is a vegan? Oh don't worry, they'll fucking tell you
"
137725,"Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.
"
28096,"I am one """"Mom!"""" away from making the 6 o'clock news.
"
3825,"""""Why was the Amish girl excommunicated ? Too Mennonite."""" - Hitchens
"
155119,"I had planned to post a tennis joke But after asking around I figured you guys wouldn't luv it.
"
152472,"How do you kill a hipster? Drown him in the main stream.  A hipster actually told me this one.
"
8993,"Purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka Not as effective as NyQuil
"
212165,"Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
"
147677,"Second best gaming joke ever... Buy the DLC to find out...
"
95769,"I wouldn't do well in war because the bravest thing I've ever done was post an Instagram photo with no filter.
"
41720,"(from my 8 year old) What do you call a Mexican chicken giving directions? Arrows con Pollo
"
191451,"*sets trap* *snares the Easter Bunny* *pats his head* *lets him go* What?!?...What did you think I was going to do, you savages.
"
226793,"This guy in line at store had breath so bad his teeth turned sideways just to let it out.
"
38088,"When do we need airplane noises? NEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWWWWWWW
"
15810,"What's the difference between a ginger and a brick? Bricks get laid.
"
184017,"my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard & theyre like this cereals hard damn right my cereals hard u should add milk so its not so sharp
"
212384,"Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it's fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
"
15128,"I heard 80% of all accident happen within 10 miles of home. So I moved.
"
135919,"what do you call a fake noodle? an impasta
"
167626,"Why did balloon prices keep rising? Because they had to adjust for inflation.
"
204330,"My pedophile support group kicked me out last week I was getting a little behind
"
11444,"""""prepare for battle"""" they said Yet they didnt prepare themselves
"
91130,"Blue live in New Delhi Blue : One Love...    Crowd : Dhadkan Kahe...   Blue : ???...
"
9943,"Why don't French people smile in pictures? The French word for """"cheese"""" is """"fromage"""".
"
152159,"My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
"
201487,"Why were the inventors of the airplane correct in thinking they could fly? Because they were Wright.
"
44905,"I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal. He asked me to pay in advance.
"
233,"""""You're a unit of power Joe."""" """"I'm a Watt?""""
"
217002,"(Can we bring back the good old Chuck Norris short jokes people?-I'll start first) Chuck Norris is the first guy to have made a knot out of a diamond.
"
161568,"What do you call a chicken with political ambition? Republic-hen
"
214638,"How do you pronounce """"nihilism?"""" It doesn't matter
"
146190,"Why did the scarecrow win the award? He was outstanding in his field.
"
205120,"How many good deeds do you need to be called a superhero? Because If it's one or less, I'm totally there.
"
142242,"What did the fish say when he ran into a concrete wall? Dam!
"
48183,"Where do cows go to hang out? The slaughterhouse. Emphasis on **hang**.
"
60053,"What do you get if you cross Doc Brown and Jay-Z? 1.21 JiggaWhats
"
166180,"Did you hear about the African who loved Monday Mornings? He was a Monday morning kinda Gueye.
"
81674,"I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue. I don't want to talk about it. ...It's a sore subject.
"
10577,"Whats Hitlers least favourite pokemon? Pikajew!
"
136892,"The only way I'd get within six feet of some people is if I'm standing on their grave.
"
39587,"I'm sick of all these jokes about mexicans and blacks... Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal!
"
196146,"They call it """"pms"""" because """"mad cow disease"""" was already taken.
"
103159,"what did the ocean say to the other ocean ? nothing they just waved.
"
7524,"I just seen someone update their status on Facebook to """"I Wish Every Guy Was Like Jack From The Titanic."""" What... Dead at  the bottom of the ocean?
"
126986,"It's nice that the french finally grew some balls... ...and shot down a German plane but unfortunately the war ended 70 years ago.
"
91916,"Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, raped a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away? The newspaper headlines the next day read: #**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
"
102115,"What do you with a dying chemist? Well, if you can't helium and you can't curium, all you can do is barium!
"
178043,"A guy sees his dad has a black eye - Hey, Dad. Why do you have a black eye? - You'll have two if you leave your girlfriend's underwear in my car one more time!
"
181294,"She- get lost Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
"
117381,"My marriage counselor asked me to think of something me and my wife have in common.... I said, """"Well, we both refuse to suck dick.""""
"
7707,"advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he's not joe biden
"
124439,"Thanks, but it's spelled """"sexiest"""", not """"sexist"""". Stupid woman.
"
153962,"I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
"
134591,"What do you call a car without a hood? Circumcised
"
199491,"[Dark] What is a Muslims favourite phone? Galaxy Note 7 (Exploding Variant) Just kidding it's an iPhone, you racist fuck. This joke has probably already been said before, so please up-vote.
"
35282,"Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof
"
153763,"Fat people save more water compared to everyone else... because they only need one cup off water to fill a bath.
"
157750,"Your life may be an open book, but could you skip to the good parts.
"
143140,"What's the best part about a Fight Club joke? The punchline.
"
56766,"How did the gangster die below the Empire State Building? Someone dropped a dime on him.
"
65457,"What do you call a black man on the moon... An Astronaut!
"
191917,"If I had a dog I'd say """"I have a bone to pick with you!"""" and then we'd go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we'd laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
"
140152,"What's big, Scottish and depressing? Scotland
"
96600,"How do you keep an idiot busy for 3500 years? Give them a bible
"
125249,"If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, """"Quit while your ahead""""?!
"
31679,"A long queue of people waiting to be hit in the face This is the punch line
"
225399,"What do you call Jews with HIV? Financial AIDS.
"
8315,"JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
"
31440,"What happened when the Mrs. Smith's truck collided with the Tastykake truck? Pyrex
"
28352,"I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
"
39800,"Sex with me is like WWIII... It hasn't happened yet.
"
86030,"Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
"
213151,"WHAT DO WE WANT?! Follow-up questions! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? OH HELL YEAH THAT'S THE STUFF
"
115460,"In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one's laughing now. I'm receiving treatment and everyone's been really supportive.
"
39295,"Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
"
42706,"Date: So, what are you passionate about? Me: Haha, have you heard of gravy?
"
214228,"Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?
"
134320,"What's the difference between a cat and a period? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a period is a pause at the end of a clause.
"
112564,"Why is incest so fun? Because it's a game that the whole family can play.
"
113143,"If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I'd be broke.
"
205697,"Reminder to any new followers...Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site...lesson learned...like 4 times.
"
115263,"Why are black man's palms white? Because they are always leaning against cop cars.
"
205555,"Pencil Me In Boy: Do you have a date for Valentine's Day? Girl: Yes, February 14th.
"
110043,"Two baby seals walk into a club
"
34834,"If anti-gays want to stop gay sex... They should encourage gay marriage.
"
183320,"What do English class and a UFO have in common? Zeugma, tmesis, and polyptoton call it home!
"
167852,"Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.
"
144578,"I had a joke about insanity but then I lost it.
"
68072,"Why did the chicken cross the stage? To get to the other aside!
"
141480,"They say that 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... Does that mean that the other one enjoys it?
"
209427,"Wooden leg. My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him """"What was the name of his other leg?""""
"
48084,"What do you call a dock that lost it's cock? A TRANSport
"
49504,"Her: In case you're interested, I'm dying. Me: Then I'll only set one place for dinner.
"
216072,"What did the Indian say to the nosy foreigner? """"This is """"naan"""" of your business."""" Sorry if you didn't laugh.
"
79704,"50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.
"
212405,"On the Mexican side of the US-Mexico border, there are guards. On the US side, there are trampolines.
"
53283,"Yay it's payday! *pays bills That was short lived.
"
98326,"Whenever a guy named Stephen tries to tell me what to do I shout, """"you're not my real hen!"""" and run away
"
42294,"Why did the stripper need more insurance? She had little to no coverage.
"
145532,"What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One is a blood sucking parasite, and the other is an insect.
"
140362,"Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won't give you more than you can handle.
"
176154,"Your Momma is so stupid she put sand paper on the bottom of her wheelchair, talk'n bout she a ruff rider.
"
100871,"This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of """"Cats"""" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
"
99475,"Fall is fast approaching. Time to sew all my jean legs back on.
"
150776,"Wow, I must look really hot tonight working out, everyone is totally staring at me. *walking on treadmill with a candy bar and a Pepsi
"
39765,"Sure hope I haven't wasted my life being loyal to the wrong brand of toothpaste.
"
168127,"Lying on my bed struggling to squeeze into jeans The dog comes in to show emotional support ... followed by the cat, who came to judge.
"
73950,"Why do hippies wear corduroy? It's groovy!
"
31548,"I threw a recyclable item in the trash in case any ladies were looking for a """"badboy"""" type.
"
105648,"If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to hear it... A hipster bought the soundtrack.
"
103048,"I got a job as a triangle player in a reggae band... I just stand at the back and ting.
"
178832,"How many stoners does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, I just set the bulb down somewhere, now I can't find it. Where the hell did the bulb go?
"
123596,"America, a land ... where many people think the moon landings were fake but professional wresting is real.
"
173739,"Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon? Jesus: I'll have........ (snickering) a water
"
77301,"Survey Says A survey found that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house, and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.
"
19238,"How do rocks feel about moss? It's growing on them.
"
37306,"Here's $10. Drink until I am really good looking, then come and talk to me.
"
207163,"A man died in his home when a pile of books fell on him police say he had only his shelf to blame.
"
191056,"Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
"
179862,"Leviticus 20:13 legalises gay marriage and marijuana: """"If a man lays with another man he should be stoned"""".
"
227326,"My fear of dogs went away after I dated my ex Cause she was a total bitch
"
11514,"What do you call a really nice sex addict? Compassionate.
"
88672,"One of the most wonderful things in life is to wake up and enjoy a cuddle with somebody. At least, that's what my cell mate tells me.
"
158504,"Should I include """"hard working and honest"""" in my resume? Applying for a software engineer's role at Volkswagen.
"
6166,"Emails So I had to stop redirecting my emails to the girls in my class. They said I was being too forward.
"
212611,"I have the perfect response to a text but its too mean Girl: What is your dumbest pet-peeve me: People asking stupid questions
"
65579,"Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.
"
29086,"Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
"
114673,"I studied abroad the first semester of my junior year Then she closed her blinds
"
147468,"I asked my wife if she wanted to watch a movie with Matthew McConaughey... She said it's not a Matthew McKindaDay.
"
147830,"A mathematician walks into a bar and orders a drink. The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.
"
11631,"did you hear about the kid who read a book about anti gravity? He just couldn't **put it down!**
"
170846,"If a king runs a kingdom and an emporer runs an empire. Who's about to run this country? Yea that
"
224253,"Is it gay in here or is it just Glee?
"
111947,"One of the most popular searches on pornhub is Minecraft porn I tried searching for that once. Unfortunately, it was blocked.
"
120138,"If I had a dollar for every repost I've seen I'd be a millionaire
"
155413,"What does Sean Connery call a greedy oyster? Shellfish.
"
135612,"If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it's not appropriate for court.
"
197887,"""""My god...we're monsters,"""" I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
"
197811,"Insensitive Building a treehouse seems insensitive. It's like killing something and having his friend hold it.
"
220128,"What's the difference between alcoholism and a lobotomy? I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
"
184239,"What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? Age
"
162903,"What does the hippie say when you tell him to get off your couch? Namaste (better to say it aloud)
"
100865,"It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. """"This food tastes bland. Let's see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.""""
"
50748,"My girlfriend is like God. Doesn't exist...
"
187099,"ran out of deodorant this morning, so I spritzed on some windex. Now birds keep crashing into my armpits :(
"
160239,"Star Wars really beat me in movies.. Rogue One, Me Zero.
"
183322,"You know Christa McAuliffe had blue eyes. One blue this way and one blue that way.
"
166240,"A girl recently asked me which Beatles song describes her the best... I guess 'She's so heavy' wasn't the best choice.
"
25098,"What is Hitler's favourite animal? Adolphin
"
182031,"Reddit servers
"
135712,"To silence her critics who hail her as Satan, Hillary is set to launch a new post-apocalyptical video game after winning the election! It's called President Evil.
"
119576,"I'm tired of all these farming tips. Let's face it, there's only one thing that makes you good at farming Step one: be a tractor Step two: don't be unnatractor
"
71181,"I don't drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
"
65245,"Anyone else think Mexican and African jokes are pretty much all the same? Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!
"
18785,"Apparently when your wife says """"let's make a baby,"""" she doesn't mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
"
107159,"""""Bro, if she can still walk to the kitchen to make you a sandwich, you did it wrong."""" - murderers, apparently.
"
5316,"What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grrrains.
"
101934,"Why does Santa have a big sack? He only comes once a year. Why does he only come once a year? He only goes to see children once a year.
"
172950,"Iraq was the Target of wars. We went for one thing and ended up spending money on a bunch of other shit we didn't need.
"
224910,"Women are like parking spots. The good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.
"
200255,"What is the most fascist letter? Not C
"
111689,"How do you tell the difference between a Sunni and a Shiite Muslim? The Sunni's are the ones with the Shiite blown out of them.
"
210283,"Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
"
187022,"To err is human; to moo bovine.
"
149138,"I rode the bus today..... and saw a girl on the bus wearing a Kappa Alpha Gamma sorority shirt. I went up to her and asked """"Why are you on this bus? Aren't you supposed to be driving around in a car?""""
"
135284,"Important Work Of 21st Century... The 21st century: Where Deleting history is more important than making it.
"
43088,"Q: How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a  quorum.
"
230007,"A woman enters a bar and orders a double entendre So the bartender gives it to her!
"
203507,"My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming """"I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!""""
"
193668,"Where is the best place to buy chicken broth? at the stock market
"
140141,"How does NASA organize their Christmas party? They planet
"
133010,"Que hace el pez cuando esta aburrido? Nada.
"
87116,"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"
41821,"""""Obama Hires Seahawks Secondary to Intercept Citizen's Texts, Emails"""" (Just a fake, Onion-y headline)
"
97575,"The dyslexic pregnant virgin said it was an act of Dog.
"
171106,"Top Gear was twelve years old... That's one of the oldest things that the BBC staff have fucked.
"
169052,"""""Talent imitates, but genius steals.""""  bilbous.
"
87050,"I saw a billboard that said """"Watch out for motorcycles. Thousands dead every day!"""" Beware the motorcycle menace.
"
63605,"How do you open a banana safe? With a monkey. ^^^^I'll ^^^^see ^^^^my ^^^^way ^^^^out.
"
171129,"Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
"
75391,"A man sends ten puns to a friend in an effort to make him laugh. Alas, no pun in ten did.
"
214179,"I just sold Viagra to a guy who thinks it's ambien He's going to be up all night
"
63943,"What did the Illuminati say when they tried to read someone's mind, but failed to do so? """"Curses, foiled again!""""
"
74021,"[2 Humans who definitely aren't lizard people at Denny's] 1: I sure am glad they don't have newt brain on the menu 2: Right on, fellow human
"
90649,"A blue man lives in a blue house, a red man lives in a red house, who lives in the white house? Donald Trump.
"
200652,"Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college I don't think I can ever pay you back.
"
108788,"[DUI checkpoint] Cop: I'm gonna need you to follow my finger Me: As long as it doesn't tweet inspirational stuff
"
107949,"Today is my twenty-fifth wedding  anniversary. Really? Yes I've been married twenty-five times!
"
92977,"I was trying to decide on a good Chris Christie joke to tell at the party tonight... ...then I decided I would cross that bridge when I come to it.
"
8682,"""""See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today."""" -Oh really? Why? """"Because I lost my tennis racquet.""""
"
26023,"they say penguins mate for life, but that's bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
"
170451,"Where did the small road go to college? Tulane University
"
146315,"Signs a Woman Likes You: 1. Eye contact 2. Twirls her hair 3. Laughs at your jokes 4. Follows you 5. Keys your car 6. Kills you
"
211769,"What did the woman say while she was having a baby? """"This could use some salt.""""
"
96877,"Men are four times more likely than women to commit suicide, even though women attempt it more. So men are better at it! \- George Carlin
"
57802,"What did the right eye said to the left? Between me and you, """"something smells"""".
"
107441,"I tried to make the earthquake drill realistic by throwing glass shards and screaming """"You fuckers are dead."""" I'm no longer safety captain.
"
153433,"I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.
"
45883,"when I talk about computers I make my motherboard
"
192401,"What Will Mexico's National Sport Become if Trump Is Elected? Pole Vaulting
"
123295,"Why couldn't Christopher Reeve pay his landlord? Back rent.
"
185199,"Have you heard about the dating site for radical jihadists? It's called """"Our Timer""""
"
68116,"Dark Humour Dark humour is not everyone's cup of liquidised dead baby
"
162431,"What brand of shoes do chickens wear? Reebok bok bok
"
227029,"Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
"
186015,"All our pigs are learning karate. Oh I don't believe that No? Well just watch out for their chops.
"
155705,"ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? ME:Well if you'd just sod off like I asked, I wouldn't have to throw lamps at you.
"
8156,"What happens when you zip up a lion? It rars
"
127686,"I got a bone to pick it's been stuck in my teeth for days
"
89192,"Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain't taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain't taught in church.
"
5633,"Yeah, I knew Shakespeare in college. Typical neck bard.
"
144910,"Teacher- """"what does a chicken give you?"""" Students- """"Meat!"""" Teacher- """"Good! Now what does the pig give you?"""" Students- """"Bacon!"""" Teacher- """"Great! Now what does a fat cow give you?"""" Students- """"Homework!""""
"
57465,"Hey did you hear the punchline about the scary cow? It was Terror bull.
"
63014,"What do you call ice cream that robs a bank? Heist cream Got to give credit to my friend, who sadly dosent have reddit.
"
84241,"A man walks into a bar. His alcohol dependency is tearing his family apart
"
112325,"How do you make rude noises on the Internet? With a whoop e-cushion.
"
176465,"What did the Vietnamese architect say to the Chinese post man? CHING CHONG
"
89572,"What's the difference between an Alto and a Tenor? The Tenor doesn't have hair on his back.
"
36922,"religious? why yes i'm very religious, i'm always reading [glances at bible] the beeblay
"
76542,"My friend bet me $5 that I couldn't tell a joke and sneeze... ...at the same time. I tried and tried but finally realized that I'd bitten off more than I could aaaachhooo.
"
200336,"What's Peyton Manning's favorite hair style? The blowout
"
218822,"Why did Ibuprofen miss his friends? Because Paracetamol on fire.
"
42615,"Why did the cowboy get a hot seat? Because he rode the range.
"
153596,"Why did the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning...
"
169264,"I've recently taken up a class in French Self Defense... It's exhausting, I've never ran so far!
"
41036,"What do fish think about air? It's UN-B-REATHABLE!
"
117889,"Give a man a hamburger and you feed him for a day; teach a man to hamburgle and you feed him for a lifetime.
"
87975,"Why aren't there any jokes about the Jonestown massacre? The punch line takes too long.
"
27851,"What do you do with a stuck tap..? Fawcett.
"
212554,"Arnold Schwarzenegger's computer Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 8, he replied: """"I still love Vista, baby""""
"
134600,"What do Terry Fox and Adolf Hitler have in common? Neither one of them could finish a race.
"
132311,"I think I'm gonna just be a rapper. apparently you need zero experience, and zero talent to be a millionaire in the rap game now?
"
144061,"[Short] What is the best color? Reddit
"
53437,"My ex girlfriend is like an archaeologist ...always digging up useless shit from the past
"
102752,"Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning? Cus he was too far out, man
"
60506,"How many Sanders supporters does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question, they can't change anything.
"
103595,"Shot pool with my 15yo son. Taught him a valuable lesson. You can restart a video game 1000 times. You can only lose your allowance once.
"
199803,"Shout out to people that do not know what the opposite of in is!
"
114247,"My hamster died today He fell asleep at the wheel
"
7874,"Schrodinger's cat jokes never get old well, they do, but, they don't
"
229764,"First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
"
140987,"Teacher: What is can't short for ? Pupil: Cannot miss Teacher: and what is don't short for Pupil: Doughnut !
"
95672,"I work for the United Nations I have been UN employed for a while
"
48150,"""""I'm too sexy for my mom."""" - Right Said Freud
"
129826,"I was speaking to a computer technician. """"How do you make a motherboard?"""" I asked him. He said, """"Tell her about my job.""""
"
98211,"My friend said he's going to a fancy dress party as a small Italian island..... I said don't be so silly.
"
172533,"I would be a better president than Donald Trump This is probably the wrong place to post this because that's not a fucking joke.
"
133705,"ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman* DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
"
231308,"Guardsman: """"Lady Pao, the Reddit peasants are revolting!"""" Lady Pao: """"Yes I agree, they're disgusting. Do you have a point?""""
"
128377,"Eve: I got an Apple. Adam: ... Eve: ... Adam: ... Eve: What? Adam: I thought we'd decided on Android. Eve: The serpent said this was better.
"
92500,"I just ate a salad that was so bad, Nicolas Cage is starring in a movie about it.
"
21484,"Well I'm not really sure why you put """"Baby: Ages 0-6"""" on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
"
180524,"What game do you play with a wombat? Wom.
"
36918,"I'm not saying I hate you but if you were on fire I'd bring sticks and marshmallows.
"
46380,"I forgot Rhianna's ex-boyfriend's name...then it hit me.
"
162721,"My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I'm wondering if I should have married her instead.
"
139522,"Really not sure why people tell me to """"be honest"""" then get all upset when I tell them their eyebrows need a divorce. *shrugs*
"
46710,"Why don't cats play poker in the jungle... ...theres too many cheet-ahs
"
34054,"Thanks to the internet I know the actual medical terms for all the ailments that I'm positive I'm dying from.
"
61468,"Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So people don't confuse them with your mom.
"
66978,"""""Oh my god, that's so offensive!""""- Someone, about everything.
"
55634,"I accidentally ate a piece of rope... I shit you knot
"
23551,"Tomorrow is the start of International Holocaust Deniers Month Maybe better suited for /r/ImGoingToHellForThis?
"
4082,"Remember when... ... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...
"
53813,"Why did I wear no jeans today? my supply was short.
"
171009,"Why did the pig go to the casino? To play the slop machine!
"
197687,"a 21st century Hitler would have Macklemore hair (the moustache was attempt to seem young & trendy) & he would call himself a """"race wonk""""
"
123183,"What do we want?! Low flying planes! When do we want them?! Neeeeeeooooowwwwwwwww
"
160186,"My psychiatrist said my exhibitionist disorder was incurable. I'll show her.
"
137652,"What do you call a dog with brass balls and no hind legs? Sparky.
"
60544,"What happens if Donald Trump pulls out of the election? He will be Donald Duck
"
106776,"What did one reddit user say to the other? (Punch line in comments)
"
5584,"Why didn't the Smurfs fit in the house? There wasn't [mushroom](http://i.imgur.com/Yt9AWCO.jpg)
"
170329,"When I was at the diner tonight my waitress had a black eye. When I ordered I ordered real slow because apparently she don't listen so good.
"
118841,"Who is Hitlers worst nightmare? Kike Tyson.
"
222140,"Finally got funding approved for the gay club I'm opening in Prague. The Czech's in the Male
"
74027,"I've become such a positive person recently, that I only wash my hair with Pantene Pro V bonafidepoo and proditioner.
"
208561,"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put u and i closer together... Because *you* are an *idiot*.
"
117935,"What do your mom and the Baltimore Police have in common? They both like giving nickel rides to black men!
"
190307,"I have an L shaped couch... lower case.
"
47795,"Struggling with Christmas Presents??? If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas... Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it!
"
213946,"Be careful of black ice. I rode my bike over some black ice once. I slipped and fell off, and when I looked up, my bike was gone.
"
61506,"Where does Max Planck go for a night out? To the h-bar
"
146655,"Why did the girl Gorilla engaged to the invisible man call off the wedding? Because in the last analysis she just couldn't see it!
"
17178,"Sorry I moaned seductively while eating a Gogurt at your bible study group.
"
102466,"What's the difference between a hunter and a  fisherman? A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.
"
24830,"i said no to the dress & now my familys being held against their will in an undisclosed location theyve already sent me two of my son's toes
"
141046,"Do you have FB? No Do you have Twitter? No Instagram? No What do you have? A life. ... ... Can I have it? No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
"
66564,"[maid of honor speech] Never thought this day would come! Remember when you came home early & he was wearing your bra & panties [mom faints]
"
178721,"An infinite number of Sean Murray walks into to a bar and gets a refund.
"
70483,"Why can't you play UNO with a mexican? They always steal the green card.
"
3071,"I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums. He was a professional tuna.
"
80396,"What does a Jewish barista do? He brews!
"
134156,"Today it's National Take Off Your Cap Day Hats off to whoever founded it.
"
62631,"Baltimore? More like BaltiLESS! Haha!
"
50808,"Did you know Kurt Cobain had dandruff? They found his Head &amp; Shoulders behind the couch.
"
87366,"Anyone hear the one.. Anyone hear the one about the messy bed? Yeah, I made it up.
"
37109,"How come ambassadors never get sick? They have diplomatic immunity.
"
46066,"1)Buy a plastic phone 2)Walk next to a stranger 3)Whisper into phone """"It's done. He's dead."""" 4)Remove batteries & throw phone in a trash can
"
42272,"I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
"
13570,"When is a door not a door? When it's a jar
"
60556,"I get caught zipping my pants up while standing beside the turkey just one time, and suddenly she never needs help in the kitchen anymore
"
3240,"What times does the chinaman go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
"
43202,"What was Hitler's favorite food? steamed Franks
"
97603,"What did the scientist say after discovering the medicinal content of homeopathic remedies ? 0mg !!!!
"
31831,"I'll see your Limerick. . I was driving along in my Bentley, tossing off ever so gently I hit a bump in the road and I shot my load not on purpose, but quite accidently!
"
87021,"Friends are like trampolines. I've always wanted a trampoline.
"
16232,"There are some horrible bastards about I heard a cat crying outside my door and I saw 4 blokes in Chelsea shirts playing football with it I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1- 0 up
"
119610,"My gym instructor says that Warm-Ups are extremely necessary. So, I brought donuts along this time but I can't find the microwave oven.
"
187681,"Asked my dad to explain how big a thousandth of an inch is. """"when you go for a deep ass scratch and you look at your finger and sure it may look clean, but then you smell it.""""
"
127269,"Everyone knows Robin but not a lot of people know Batman's other sidekicks: Stealin, Burglin, Thievin
"
40127,"A Classic Joke for all ages! Knock Knock.
"
203333,"What do you call a nurse with dirty knees? The head nurse.
"
215660,"What kind of make up was the girl wearing on  Halloween? Mash-scara!
"
48596,"In order to say you're """"born again"""" you should have to spend a week on a cross or 9 months in a vat of amniotic fluid.
"
166348,"Everyone wants a white Christmas... but all Christmases matter!!!
"
67833,"Your mom is so fat Even Jesus couldn't lift her spirits up.
"
63851,"When they announced Ashley Madison was made up of almost all guys... I realized the internet really is a series of tubes.
"
220727,"I've been doing this new program called 'Cooking with Nature: Chinese Edition' You'd think it would be tough, but it's just a wok in the park.
"
22297,"Looks like Erdogan had to quit... ...cold Turkey. [](/rimshot)
"
161679,"A man was caught peeing in public by a police officer. The cop's only reaction was... """"Urine trouble now.""""
"
212822,"You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's cheat and murder for insurance money like they do on Investigation Discovery Channel.
"
177895,"*Maybe try dressing up as SpongeBob this Halloween, since you're so self absorbed.* -Me as a therapist
"
77527,"What do you call a girl with a frog in her  hair ? Lily !
"
149752,"Why did the black med student wait all day at the rear entrance of the student cafeteria? Because his professor told his class they were going to spend the entire next day at a bacteria conference.
"
56893,"What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take off your boots to jump on a trampoline
"
231155,"""""You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder."""" """"Look, I'm a lot of things--"""" """"Are you a murderer?"""" [bites lower lip] """"Little bit.""""
"
133569,"Where does Wonder Woman buy all her stuff? Amazon.
"
150629,"Somewhere along the way, I stopped trying to gain friends,,and just started enjoying reading and writing posts.
"
181812,"What did the goat say to his friend after he cut his arm? I'm bleating all over the place!
"
37412,"What's a dogs favorite part of a tree? Stick? BARK!
"
107100,"Dude it's 2014 if your kids aren't sending nudes left and right and cross platform then you gotta worry about their technological literacy.
"
123132,"Viagra, it won't make you James Bond... But it will make you Roger Moore.
"
134938,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Army Ant ! Army Ant who ? Army Ants coming for tea then ?
"
121663,"My friend died from heart burn the other day. My friend Gavin was killed by a terrible case of heart burn yesterday. I can't fucking believe Gavisgone.
"
46734,"How many men escaped the destruction of Sodom? A Lot.
"
200419,"My girlfriend keeps telling me she's not a fire nymph. She just has chlamydia.
"
161721,"The asshole in front of me is texting and driving right as I'm tweeting this.
"
90723,"What is a small, one story home made of poop called? A dungalow
"
108740,"What do you get when you mix a Mexican and an octopus? I don't know, but it sure can wash a lot of dishes.
"
60112,"[at home on video conference call] Yeah boss I don't know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad. *pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
"
194083,"PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
"
25790,"I'm getting the band back together.... We're called New Direction.
"
78906,"What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
"
197905,"I constantly google """"how to put your kids up for adoption"""" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.
"
228652,"I want to write a tweet that is so offensive that it reduces my followers to zero.
"
134322,"My wife just said to me that i'm a Pedophile and it is wrong -Pedophile? That's an awfully big word for a 12 year old.
"
143280,"Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
"
73826,"""""Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?"""" """"No."""" """"OK."""" """"Hold still."""" """"What're you putting on me?"""" """"Sunscreen."""" """"It smells like ketchup."""" """"Shhh""""
"
13601,"First year my husband didn't give me some sort of sweet on our anniversary. I got roses. He thinks I'm fat. I know it.
"
174914,"Why shouldn't you wear a watch on your belt? It'd be a waste of time.
"
79938,"A vending machine fell on me today Luckily it only had soft drinks
"
75732,"I just found out that I missed a test on stolen flags last week. My teacher had it flagged as missing.
"
67654,"Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven? It looks like you landed on your face
"
85290,"Where did the pilgrims land when they came to  America ? On their feet !
"
94575,"Why is Rosie O'Donell fat? Because she likes to eat out!
"
161700,"DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person? DOG: Cat person, definitely.
"
230651,"Potheads must have been disappointed with Jurassic Park... 'Cause there's no grass.
"
29528,"French toast is just regular toast that smokes cigarettes and has a tiny mustache.
"
129432,"Ever misspell a word so badly that you spell a different word correctly? It's rather embroidering.
"
176063,"I had to nickname my dick... (NSFW) SunnyD, because kids love it!
"
162276,"Did you hear about the blackout? Don't worry, I shot him.
"
99841,"My dad is a magician. He even has a trick that makes him turn invisible. He's been doing it for the last 32 years.
"
94639,"My friends pet mouse Elvis just died. He was caught in a trap.
"
89689,"How does Donald Trump screw in a light bulb? He can't. His hands are too small.
"
208177,"""""What? Only 2% Milk? Then what's the other 98%!?"""" [bull walking confidently out of the factory] Oh you don't wanna know
"
119768,"I hope the all-female Ghostbusters reboot proves once and for all women are as equally out of ideas as men
"
107559,"Preparing my wedding vows in the form of a poem... What rhymes with """"the way you shake that ass?""""
"
54949,"I gave 3 berries to my friend in a trail and got shot immediately... The sign never said they would shoot for trespassing!
"
61916,"The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
"
171849,"My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
"
223841,"A good way to help you determine who to weed out of your life is probably by how someone pronounces """"coyote"""".
"
22341,"What did the bread do after it had been oppressed for many years? Rye-ot
"
145637,"How fast can a bear run? As fast as it can bear.
"
135883,"My new career path: 1. Learn soccer 2. Move to Ghana 3. Become the Jackie Robinson of Ghanaian soccer
"
189731,"Why don't girls where skirts in the winter? So they don't get chapped lips.
"
158162,"Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we're in the car *5 secs later Me: What're you eating? 5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ......Nothing
"
17992,"A Comparison What is the difference between a women's track team and a pack of gerbils? The gerbils are a bunch of cunning runts.
"
36108,"How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to hold the penis. I mean the ladder. One to hold the ladder.
"
174947,"Yo mama so fat ...I find myself attracted to her in a very sexual way. Is she seeing anyone?
"
19587,"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a number 2 pencil.
"
151719,"wear a condom... i kid you not
"
211644,"Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
"
149183,"EARTH: Goodnight Moon MOON: Goodnight Earth EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss MOON: Okay {millions perish in massive tidal wave}
"
189971,"What's another name for dick pics? Junk mail!
"
120444,"Why did the traitor wear two watches? Because he's a two timer.
"
95720,"I ate some bad Greek food now I falafel.
"
44029,"What do you call a group of babies? The infantry.
"
49784,"What do you call two mexican firefighters? Hose A and Hose B.
"
210171,"When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.
"
114485,"Finally figured out that 'YOLO' is 'carpe diem' in douchebag.
"
209046,"Can a kangaroo jump higher than the empire state building? Nope, but it sure can jump higher than the twin towers.
"
10967,"boy: camp counselor, is it true that in some places they don't wipe after using the toilet? jared: shh... let's not talk while making love.
"
205147,"I'm in Southern Texas ... ... and it's so hot here, the trees are fighting over the dogs.
"
225035,"If you love someone, set them fee. If they don't come back, call them up later when you're drunk.
"
107278,"On a scale of 1-10 How old was Michael Jackson's boyfriend?
"
30806,"If you think vests come in 2 different styles Bullet proof and suicide, you may be muslim
"
160281,"Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup? Because one more would be too farty
"
49517,"What do you call an 80lb midget with 40lb testicles? (SFW) Half nuts!
"
188661,"I like my women like I like my cold meats In-bread
"
174495,"Helen Keller walks into a bar And then into a table, and then a chair, and then a door.
"
156879,"What do you call a thrash can that cant close A thrash cannot (hahaha.....)
"
31467,"When I see someone in public talking on a bluetooth..I like to position myself on the other side, lean in & whisper """"It's ok I see them too""""
"
17406,"I'm going to confess my love to this sore throat so it'll be gone when I wake up in the morning.
"
98232,"How does James Bond type e-mails? With his goldfinger.
"
213535,"Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
"
7727,"finally found a way to refer to myself + dog in a way that's creepier than the mother/child dichotomy: FUR HUSBAND and SKIN WIFE
"
59922,"Two hats on a hat hanger, one says to the other.... You go on ahead.
"
27722,"Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
"
53861,"When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
"
114901,"I take my women just how I take my hair conditioner with silicone
"
52332,"What does the nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeno business.
"
188529,"Trump is a great guy. He's giving two million illegal immigrants free trips to Mexico.
"
168201,"My friend once said, """"If I wasn't making cocktails, I'd be a criminal."""" Now he's behind bars.
"
108641,"Worry not confederate flag supporters! You may have lost the battle... But you haven't lost the w- oh right.
"
178585,"What did the proctologist say to the guy with glued ass cheeks? You're in some sticky shit.
"
77803,"What would you get if you crossed a witch with a famous movie director? Steven Spellberg!
"
102076,"Why couldn't the American leave Russia? He was snowden
"
25662,"An old Scottish joke. What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Disney.
"
2308,"What's the difference between my dick and my paycheck? I don't have to beg my wife to blow my paycheck.
"
19423,"You know, I really hate Mexican jokes that rely on sterotypes They just cross the border.
"
138487,"AVENGERS ASSEMBLE THOR - """"here"""" HULK - """"here"""" IRON MAN - """"here"""" CAPT. AMERICA - """"here"""" USELESS ARROW GUY - ... I SAID- HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
"
179951,"*I look into abyss* *Abyss looks at me* *Abyss blinking message in Morse code* *I go off to learn Morse* *I return* """"Why do we park in a dri
"
79663,"I saw a front page post today about a woman who hasn't experienced a period in 15 years. That's one long sentence.
"
25285,"Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
"
219799,"Why is the letter """"B"""" so cold? Because its between AC...
"
86619,"When I die I want my group project members to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one last time
"
132772,"""""How much for the supermodel?"""" *winks seductively """"Ma'am, that's a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.""""
"
167410,"Live a little, ask her """"are ya done?"""" while she's still yelling at you.
"
85114,"What's a panda's favorite kitchen dish? A pan....duh
"
66744,"The best time to propose at a restaurant is right after you order but before you pull up to the window.
"
5390,"If you don't know the difference between there, their, and they're... Your a moron.
"
198956,"Did you hear about the man with five penises? Condom fit like a glove
"
100771,"Why is Hitler's Favorite Animal the Cheetah? Because they are the Facist animals within existence.
"
23089,"What's Obama's favorite vegetable? Barackoli
"
145703,"Say what you want about pedophiles At least they drive slowly near schools
"
13135,"Your mama's house is so small. . you walk into her front door and find her backyard.
"
190907,"After an attempted mugging a few months ago I started carrying a knife Now my muggings are much more successful!
"
93301,"2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny 2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
"
116510,"Even though she's not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
"
127914,"A blonde opened a hair salon next to a graveyard and named it ''Curl Up and Dye.''
"
224079,"Why is a fish easy to weigh ? Because it has its own scales !
"
222044,"If I got $1 every time somebody called me a racist I'd have enough money to make a black guy rob me
"
127230,"What's Bruce Lee's favorite drink? WA TAA!!!
"
109727,"""""Hey Arnold Schwarzenegger, what will you be for Halloween?"""" """"I'll be bach""""
"
23076,"Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
"
7450,"[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
"
39509,"NOTHING says """"I am batshit, incapable of relationships, bad with money & cannot be trusted"""" like colored contact lenses.
"
107104,"At the end of camp Julie won the prize for neatest trunk. Her mother was amazed. 'How did your trunk get so neat?' she asked her messy daughter. 'It was easy' said Julie. 'I just never unpacked!'
"
50222,"Undecided voters are the same undecided people we hate for holding up the buffet line.
"
216368,"4-year-old: """"Frozen"""" is on TV! Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download. 4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
"
126679,"My doctor gave me six months to live. When I couldn't pay my bill, he gave me another six months.
"
163966,"Donald Trump is so narcissistic... When he looks in the mirror, his pupils dilate
"
28474,"Wanna get together and test the spring potential of my mattress?
"
119371,"""""See you tomorrow""""? I do NOT go to Wendy's every day, Wendy's Lady. Check yourself.
"
146507,"Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
"
82033,"They say breaking a sweat every day is one of the healthiest things you can do... good thing I eat a lot of Indian food.
"
82786,"Everybody laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian Well, nobody's laughing now
"
74075,"What does a blonde and a tornado have in common? They both start blowing but in the end they take everything from you.
"
167709,"My 7 year old son told me """"You're the most beautiful mommy ever!"""" I asked him what he did and where's he hiding it.
"
3279,"Joke of the Day [Saw this on Monsters Inc when watching it today](http://i.imgur.com/32l1PsS.jpg)
"
54899,"There are just too many blogs And I will talk about it more during my next podcast.
"
119539,"*4yo comes in from garden with worm* Wife: TAKE IT AWAY!!! *4yo puts on top hat as I throw him a cane and starts tap dancing*
"
40438,"[My Wedding] Me: I do Guests: Awww Me: Or do I? Guests: Ooooo
"
137701,"I thought twerking was tweeting at work That's how out of the loop I am
"
146899,"My wife said to me: """"If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"""" I said: """"Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.""""
"
182280,"what did one mexican mouse say to the other mexican mouse? nacho cheese!!
"
156813,"TIFU on the first day of my courier job . . . . . OP didn't deliver
"
23997,"*Maintains eye contact with the soccer mom feeding her kid organic kale chips while giving my kid a snickers bar.
"
51326,"A woman walks in to a bar and asks for a Double Entendre... ...So the bartender gave her one.
"
79837,"FORD Fix or Repair Daily.
"
83927,"Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?  A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
"
228375,"Why did they call it The Iron Curtain? They were going to call it the Fe line, but that seemed too catty.
"
3326,"That'll do, fellas. I think we're good on breathy singer-songwriters who sound like they're creepily whispering rapey stuff in our ears.
"
30700,"A started a blog about ADHD... ...it's going to have recipes and I went to the Alamo.
"
37534,"I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
"
105837,"Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I'm Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.
"
214601,"Why don't kleptomaniacs understand puns? They always take things literally.
"
207957,"""""Keep busy, you should."""" Yoda said. """"Make your Dagobah faster, it will.""""
"
169258,"Future generations will never believe Sarah Palin was a real person.
"
40115,"What do you get when you cross a Joke with a rhetorical question?
"
125215,"The best part of Hey Jude is when The Beatles realise the lyrics are terrible and think 5 minutes of na-na-na will distract us, and it does.
"
31155,"My Girlfriend says if this gets 100 votes, We'll try anal. For God's sake, DON'T FUCKING VOTE! Her dildo is terrifying!
"
48384,"Diplomacy is the art of sending someone to hell in the way that they are looking forward to it.
"
210616,"The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
"
88023,"How many Dragonball characters does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but it takes him 20 episodes.
"
43154,"[Old joke alert] Why are dwarfs so depressed? Because six out of seven dwarfs aren't happy.
"
166275,"My Christian mingle username is: GAY4GOD hit me up, looking for love
"
60317,"(dark humor) In the used cars for sale add i am selling very little used wife whole or in pieces.
"
212773,"How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one but it takes eight million years.
"
213013,"How long does it take light to travel from the sun to the earth? Not nearly as long as it would take to travel around your mom.
"
95380,"If a hungry shark is after you what should you feed it? Jawbreakers!
"
84936,"Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn't want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
"
218137,"""""Why is there a Women's Studies Major, but not a Men's Studies Major"""" """"There is a Men's Studies major, its called history""""
"
40151,"[NSFW] I'm trying this new thing where I don't beat off It's hard
"
173422,"Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: A hundred but they'll all be competing to be the one to change the bulb and bring light to the world.
"
87150,"What is the summit of trust? Receiving a blowjob from a cannibal
"
52136,"Oscar nominations are out. Let's experience actual emotion about multimillionaires giving each other gold
"
125863,"Wanna know how i know i'm getting laid tonight? Because i am stronger then you.
"
116879,"My wife and I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went But then it dawned on us.
"
9104,"I masturbated so good last night That i woke up to find my dick making breakfast
"
45022,"If a blind girl says you have a big penis She's probably just pulling your leg
"
98214,"My girlfriend says she prefers a dildo over me. I never saw it coming
"
135509,"I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.
"
63553,"A cop that contemplates his existence: Philofficer
"
44635,"Remember in 90's movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That's what happens when I walk in a buffet.
"
103654,"Why did the Mayor take so long to endorse a Presidential candidate? Because he was running on CP time.
"
45358,"An Airport goes to the Dr... And the Dr says, """"i have bad news. You have cancer."""" The airport replies, """"oh no, what kind?"""" """"Terminal.""""
"
59993,"What is pink and has seven dents in it? Snow White's virginity.
"
167876,"How'd the monkey fall out of the tree. He was dead. How'd the next second monkey fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the first monkey! How'd the Third monkey fall out of the tree. Peer Pressure.
"
11510,"Whats green, three inches long and smells like bacon? Kermit the frogs middle finger.
"
45553,"Making the Least of Life by Minnie Mumm
"
119884,"What is the difference between a horse and a duck? One goes quick and the other goes quack!
"
195315,"What did they name a mountain nobody gives a shit about? Moot Point
"
121921,"Santa got stuck in the chimney. So I grabbed the nearest lube & rubbed him down. Then he REALLY came down the chimney!!
"
104103,"I've only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I'll have plenty for retirement.
"
60492,"My friends all judge me for being a heroin addict... I guess they just don't like strong women
"
214344,"Going to work My boss told me yesterday, """"Don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want"""". But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
"
22703,"Why couldn't the lumberjack sign into Facebook? Because he was logged out!
"
77822,"I'm really worried about this Harry Potter kid. Seems like he's definitely gonna die.
"
134413,"I didn't have fun at the Boston Marathon this year ... back in 2013 it was a blast.
"
164851,"What's a blondes idea of natural  childbirth? No make-up.
"
78798,"So there's a three-legged dog who walks into a saloon He sits at the bar and orders a drink, and tells the bartender, """"I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot mah paw""""
"
227282,"What's the hardest part of telling your parents that you're gay? getting up their front stairs in your rollerblades
"
197020,"Jews will be celebrating Passover soon... ...to commemorate the day John Stewart was passed over for the spot on the late show.
"
225431,"My cat died. Just kitten.
"
6329,"I used to be a narcissist But now look at me
"
24030,"I once saw a slice of toast in a zoo. It was bread in captivity.
"
186464,"How bacteria stay in contact while they're in jail? They exchange cell numbers.
"
45714,"What's the difference between Michael Phelps and Hitler? Michael Phelps could finish a race
"
39110,"What's better than a rose on a piano? Tulips on an organ. Edit: accidentally a letter.
"
99240,"Doctor asked me for a semen, stool and urine sample. I said, """"Hell doc, I ain't got time for that! Can't I just leave my underwear?""""
"
198328,"What did they call Dracula when he won the league? The champire!
"
79372,"Mom asked, """"Are you going to see the new Michael Moore documentary?"""" Wife replied, """"Magic Mike XXL?""""
"
78934,"What do you get when you cross a male chicken with peanut butter? A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
"
174502,"The cost of living has got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she cant afford batteries
"
57068,"Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cape to wear and whoosh noises to make.
"
108507,"Why do chicken coops have 2 doors? Because if they had 4 doors it would be chicken sedans.
"
160615,"she need some alone time ..:P My girl friend said she needed some """"Alone time"""".. So I made her an Orkut account.. :P... tietiefiss.com
"
50086,"Life is like a penis. Simple, relaxed and hanging around freely. It's women who make it hard.
"
225340,"Why did Princess Diana Cross the Road? She wasn't buckled in.
"
2238,"What's brown and sticky? (wait! There's more...) What's brown and sticky? A Stick. What's brown, sticky and Yiddish? A schtick.
"
80596,"I'm all out of damns to give, and only have a few flying f*cks left... but I'm saving those for a special occasion.
"
75436,"What are the chemicals in a midget's body that make them happy? En-dwarf-ins
"
127672,"What do you call a rooster drawing sh*t? Cock-A-Doodle-Doo
"
221443,"[Crime Scene] Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim. [in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
"
141729,"Let he who is without selfie cast the first stone
"
77175,"Q: Who is Scooby-Doo's evil twin? A: Scooby-Don't.
"
186753,"My husband is half Mexican half Polish. Last week he stole his own hubcaps.
"
85265,"Dubai knows how to end the year with a BANG! I'm talking about the fireworks display guys.
"
199028,"No one J.D. should have all that power and associates.
"
227939,"How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
"
115638,"*does 3 or 4 pretty accurate karate kicks in front of a girl* """"Ya as I was saying my dad went to middle school with the drummer from Tesla""""
"
177168,"I wonder if I could fit my entire body inside a woman's. Through her mouth. Penis-first.
"
192086,"'When I go to the bathroom at work and someone follows me in' Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you, physically
"
70791,"I asked my immigrant Asian parents if they knew what Roe v. Wade was. """"Umm... the decision we had to make when we came to this country?""""
"
54664,"I posted a joke about ISIS killing themselves with their own bombs You can view it @ http://puu.sh/j83On/f79d53bf57.png
"
42157,"What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance.
"
179024,"How do you kill 15 flies at once? Slap an African child in the face.
"
106458,"Why did the Blonde go to a Phone Repairman to get her anus bleached? Because she needed help changing her ring tone.
"
143396,"Did you hear about the farmer's daughter who was sent home from the county fair? She couldn't keep her calves together.
"
231069,"The 3 tragedies. The 3 tragedies in a man's life: 1) Life sucks. 2) Job sucks. 3) Wife doesn't.
"
140388,"Advice My brother came to me for advice concerning a major career change. All I could telll him was, """"Take the shot. Lincoln did.""""
"
97771,"This morning I was at the atm when an elderly woman asked if I could check her balance So I pushed her over
"
6577,"(Serious) What do you think Michael Hastings was working on before he died? slowing down his car. ... ... shoutout to r/conspiracy for this one.
"
147783,"[Jewish Joke] What happens when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall? They break their nose. (note - I'm Jewish so this is OK)
"
153349,"Why shouldn't you tell secrets when a clock is  around? Because time will tell.
"
229956,"On our third date, my girlfriend told me that she was bisexual. I broke it off with her because I definitely need sex more than every two weeks.
"
173987,"So I finally got around to watching the Twin Tower attacks. 9/11 would watch again.
"
183631,"There are three types of people in the world Those who can count, and those who can't
"
171433,"Did you hear about the fire at the cheese factory? Nearly a total loss... All that was left was de-brie.
"
167781,"Did you hear about the obese woman who got a job at a bank? She was a four-chin teller.
"
72983,"Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
"
69798,"What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
"
225290,"If you can't handle me at my un-shaved, you don't deserve me at my waxed.
"
190398,"Why shouldn't white people go swimming? Nobody likes a soggy cracker!
"
179817,"What do you get when someone refuses to pay the bills? A Greek.
"
191442,"Why did the chicken cross the road? As a child, you could have been anything. And one by one, you didn't become any of them.
"
128091,"What do you call a Finn, who gets something done? -Finnished
"
34674,"Why did the chicken get an ouija board? To contact those who had crossed over to the other side.
"
57195,"Stay out of my dreams if you're not going to be there when I open my eyes
"
215606,"What kind of shoes do bears wear? None because they go barefoot.
"
110013,"You say, """"I think we should see other people"""" like I haven't been doing so ever since we started dating.
"
12778,"People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven't you heard of moving?
"
10237,"Accountants are very clever opponents. They are used to being underestimated.
"
196982,"I asked a nerd what his New Year's resolution was. He said, """"1920x1080"""".
"
209469,"Werner Heisenberg was pulled over for speeding... The cop asked """"Do you know how fast you were going?"""" """"Not a clue,"""" Heisenberg replied. """"But I know exactly where I am.""""
"
157770,"My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
"
200150,"If there is one thing the Internet has taught us it is that even the dumbest people on Earth have somehow learned how to use the Internet
"
150545,"Double standards are the worst. I mean, one flag is enough.
"
20730,"A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink Bartender says, """"No charge""""
"
16134,"What happens to your car insurance if you don't notify them that you've wrecked a car? I don't know, but it's not wreck-amended.
"
162773,"If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?
"
56533,"Why does Father Christmas come down the chimney? It helps him slide down with ease,
"
123136,"What did the teddy bear say after dinner? """"I'm stuffed.""""
"
47520,"""""I'm into homosexual necrophilia."""" ...Tom said, in dead earnest.
"
126903,"A magic 8-ball would make better life decisions for me than I do.
"
32982,"What's the difference between plants and black men? Cells are found inside plants.
"
115697,"i wanna feel how dogs feel when you let them go in a big field
"
100137,"Why did the Mexican push his wife off teh cliff? tequila
"
34272,"Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.
"
172603,"Me: I'm feeling frisky yet stabby. Do you want to come over? Him:... Me: Good answer
"
92990,"TIFU by posting a joke online... You had already reddit.
"
182948,"Tower: Hawk 20 is this the same aircraft  declaring emergency about two hours ago ? Pilot: Negativ Sir. It's only the same pilot.
"
143574,"Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it. Don't do that.
"
191387,"""""Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!"""" - birth of an expression
"
93140,"NSA joke I always said President Obama bugged me.
"
86257,"What does a statistician call a defective butter substitute? A margarine of error!
"
156472,"Ducky from NCIS clones himself and he and his clone walk into a bar and sit by Maverick's wingman at the bar...... The bartender walks up and says """"Duck...Duck....Goose.."""".
"
126829,"Why did adele cross the road? To say hello from the other side
"
13628,"Atoms make up everything... so naturally you shouldn't trust them.
"
17578,"You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.
"
91023,"Did you hear about the guy who died of an epileptic fit? He had a very flashy ending
"
100408,"If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again.
"
86662,"Salt movie review Gave me hypertension, 16/10.
"
119378,"What kind of dance does your mother do? The MOMbo.
"
43679,"Go home North Korea, you're drunk.
"
158112,"Why is the mushroom so happy ? Because he's a FUN-GUY :P
"
102429,"How many liberals does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Bush did it.
"
42995,"Today my brother got pinkeye... My day went pretty well, but in his eyes it was pretty shitty.
"
135973,"Practicing for my audition tape for """"MTV True Life: Let's go huff some fucking glue""""
"
1323,"We're all born with scars. from the moment we open our eyes and look at the world we are wounded, we all share that same mark... Bellybuttons.
"
174369,"I know why Hogwarts doesn't have math class. They have a magical device for it. It's called a calculator.
"
99110,"A popular post on reddit about a clothing store has to be a hot topic
"
226089,"If only Africa had more mosquito nets... ...then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids. - Jimmy Carr
"
101326,"How do billboards communicate? Sign language
"
210192,"The U.S mint stopped making pennies. I don't know why, it doesn't make any cents.
"
77082,"I once wanted to start a pessimist club, but I knew it would never work.
"
189537,"A woman stopped me in the street and asked me how i view lesbian relationships Apparently in HD wasn't the right answer. :/
"
49728,"*looks at you in batman voice*
"
63199,"Why do bicycles always fall down if unsupported? Because they're two-tired.
"
46826,"Why is Thors bother so secretive? Because he tries to keep things Loki...
"
123752,"Russian Nursery Rhyme The incy wincy conrade Was tugging at his chain About rights of workers He complain The secret police Am get order to restrain And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again
"
166746,"My doctor told me to refrain from heavy lifting. So now I can't masturbate.
"
171287,"Most Fascinating Part of the Body I used to think the brain was the most fascinating part of the body but then i realized """"pssssh, look what's telling me that""""
"
65243,"What's a pirates FAVORITE letter? *They ALWAYS say Rrrrr* """"You'd think its Rrrrr but it's the sea they love""""
"
62273,"Shriek your Twitter name between songs at concerts and hope that it makes the live album.
"
179887,"Ok No Loitering sign, let's get one thing straight: the type of people who loiter are not the type of people who know what loitering means.
"
32473,"Nutella: A reason to buy bread.
"
5028,"A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow $50... His father replies: """"40 dollars!, what could you possibly need to borrow 30 dollars for?!?""""
"
72200,"Diff Good Girl &amp; Bad Girl What is the difference between a GOOD and a BAD girl? A GOOD girl goes to a party, goes home then goes to bed. A BAD girl goes to a party, goes to bed then goes home.
"
133259,"Granny Porn Having a Granny Porn fetish must be awesome. The best days of you and your wife's sex life are always ahead of you.
"
135477,"What do you call joke told by a duck? A wise quack.
"
20896,"What did one hat say to the other? """"You stay here, I'll go on ahead....""""
"
16222,"What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean? Bob
"
53852,"What is stronger an elephant or a snail ? A snail because it carries it's house an elephant just carries its  trunk !
"
69544,"Me: I'll take another drink. Bartender: Would you like for me to call you a cab sir? Me: No it's cool he's driving * points at chair*
"
4057,"Me: You should be nicer to me. You'll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don't be so sure. Mom is pretty.
"
109708,"They should roast Tom Cruise sometime... Call it the Cruise-ifixion
"
38628,"Teacher told me to give her eye contact when I speak with her. So i jabbed my finger in her eye to touch it.
"
227659,"What's Irish and never comes inside? Patty O'Furniture.
"
11172,"Are you guys all right? No, you're all left. (Stolen from a master comedian from x factor)
"
29726,"Here's a knock knock joke about the guy with no arms
"
211524,"A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a door. And a staircase. I don't think hes alright now.
"
196760,"OB-GYN My uncle is a very accomplished OB-GYN. He is also incredibly humble, when asked what he does for a living, he casually responds, 'I'm in the cervix industry. '
"
54891,"Relationship Status: changing locks
"
227384,"If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink.
"
201357,"Swim swim swim breach surface fly through air catch seagull swim nom nom nom swim swim
"
67662,"How can you tell a lawyer is lying? Other lawyers look interested.
"
170283,"I was in the car with my girlfriend, and I started hearing this annoying whining noise... So my girlfriend got out to look at the engine and I drove off.
"
188861,"If I was a hot chick. I'd open my legs so wide I'd be able to fit all four of my Ferraris in my snatch.
"
125510,"what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Hellifikno
"
40187,"I'm a chick magnet I repel.
"
26960,"Q: Four Dallas Cowboys in a car who's driving? A: The police.
"
123924,"I ate one of those artisan pizzas and now I can't stop painting my bathroom.
"
91570,"SAE used to be jokingly called Somebody Anybody Everybody I guess they wanted to make it clear that wasn't true.
"
13877,"How do teenage boys keep warm? Jackit
"
133957,"Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
"
35485,"Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn't.
"
27566,"The past, present and future walked into a bar It was tense.
"
137626,"Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.
"
67596,"Q: Who ruled France until he exploded? A: Napoleon Blownapart!
"
73284,"Q: What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? A: Siamese twins.
"
11541,"The original title for Star Wars was """"Skywalker: Texas Ranger"""". Starring Chuck Norris.
"
226470,"So my girlfriend's mother is throwing papers into the fireplace When my girlfriend asks """"mom, what are you doing!?"""" I reply """"Taxes.""""
"
181173,"A man rings work to tell them he's sick. """"How sick are you?"""" """"How sick? Well, I'm fucking my sister for a start.""""
"
152308,"How many Vietnam veterans does it take to change a light bulb? You weren't there, man!
"
185796,"American beer and sex on a boat What do American beer and having sex on a boat have in common? They're both fucking close to water
"
55063,"What did Hitler say when he got a 10 kill streak? Get reiched.
"
102774,"what did the serial killer spill to the victim i would tell you but id have to kill you
"
159181,"Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones Then I realize, of course you can, I'm in your backyard
"
85370,"I don't like Nazi jokes... ...they're far beyond Mein Kampfort zone.
"
82925,"When it comes to cooking herb-crusted fish... ...there's a thyme and a plaice.
"
204362,"A toilet was stolen from a police station today... It's a pretty serious crime. The police have nothing to go on.
"
231090,"Sometimes I think Scientology was secretly started by Mormons so they could have a religion to make fun of.
"
143492,"Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926.
"
89636,"I went clubbing last night I saw girls twerking in a bun dance.
"
39522,"If by 'lucky' you mean I remember to clean the lint trap so it doesn't self combust, then yes, I'm up all night to get lucky. . . Again.
"
219501,"I thought getting a vasectomy would stop my wife from getting pregnant Turns out it just changes the colour of the baby
"
67417,"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion? Because he was out standing in his field.
"
110360,"I am black and my son stole my wallet. I don't know If I'm proud or mad.
"
76020,"[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office? [I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
"
94993,"TIL Every animal has its own specific mating call A bird sings, a frog croaks, a badger clickets, a grasshopper chirps, a deer croons, and I beg.
"
130505,"Michael Jackson, too soon? What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One of them walks on the moon, the other one fucks little boys in the ass
"
73388,"Why will Trump become President? Because of his Trump card.
"
176259,"Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool so I decided to give him a glass of water.
"
112211,"My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him.
"
44544,"The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
"
69452,"How can you spot a racist in a crowd? They're the ones shouting """"Black Lives Matter!""""
"
79582,"The US Census Bureau is known for kicking ass And taking names.
"
55323,"Me: I'm happy right now. Life: Lol one sec
"
80134,"What did the server say when the customer requested something they didn't have? 404
"
8468,"The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I'm hoping there's gonna be a sniper.
"
61115,"Marriage is like a fart. If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
"
104985,"That awkward 3 second lap dance you get at the movies when someone walks by you.
"
31867,"The school wants to test my kid for gifted but the program doesn't have """"my kid is gifted"""" bumper stickers, so, like, what's the point?
"
184737,"My father put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like """"You're five years old? When I was your age I was six!""""
"
73125,"What do you call a Mexican fighting a Priest? (slightly offensive) Alien vs. Predator
"
190548,"Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain. Tempted to eat my own leg. Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
"
182577,"I didn't get groped by the TSA at all. We just kissed a little, it was nice.
"
84304,"Once there was a guy... ...who had a dog with no legs. Everyday he took him out for a drag.
"
28412,"You had me at- well, you're breathing and female. That's about the point you had me.
"
7557,"The south was reported to have more Ashley Madison users than any other region in the U.S. I guess family isn't always enough.
"
19945,"Why is the second traffic citation always easier to read? Because it's re-fined!
"
18989,"Q: Why is a train like a stick of gum? A: One goes choo-choo; the other goes chew-chew.
"
143593,"Why are furries always found guilty at trial? A furry curries only fury from a jury.
"
119095,"How can you tell a man from a woman Well, there's not really a vas deferens
"
38121,"I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let 'em fight that shit out.
"
62843,"I had to bury my girlfriends cat today... He put up a hell of a fight, but I got him covered up!
"
34525,"I removed electrons from a seal Got a seal-ion
"
17439,".@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
"
159950,"""""Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.""""
"
195768,"Dear Grocery store clerk, What part of me searching madly and paying in nickels & dimes suggests I can donate a dollar to the food bank?
"
38168,"What time do you go to the dentist? 2:30
"
105989,"We have a local weatherman who often forecasts """"changeable skies."""" He makes a lot of money to make that call.
"
16833,"If she doesn't scream """"YES!"""" in bed... I don't know. Maybe start asking her different questions?
"
32457,"What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died? Mourning wood.
"
180661,"I think my organ donor girlfriend wants to break up with me. She just doesn't have the guts to do it.
"
199251,"Why do sharks hate clowns? They taste funny
"
22239,"Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
"
208865,"What does """"fingering a girl"""" and """"using a chainsaw"""" have in common? [NSFW] If you hold at the wrong position your finger goes down the shitter.
"
229228,"What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield? Its arsehole.
"
114203,"Anyone know any good Batman and Robbin jokes? A girls I work with claims to know them all and I need to win this :D
"
211634,"What do you call a blind dinosaur? Doyouthinkhesaurus
"
165058,"*texting with girls* Her: I <3 you Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you're less than 3
"
190618,"I've always identified with Professor Calamitous from Jimmy Neutron... But I never bothered to figure out why.
"
28799,"How does JK Rowling text her friends that she's just kidding :(
"
195000,"Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
"
141545,"""""let's put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let's go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars"""" - cops
"
60878,"""""Maybe like a tiny bed for your face."""" - pillow pitch meeting
"
177087,"Did you hear about the college for dolphins? It was for educational porpoises only.
"
173324,"Genie: Whats your first wish? Dave: I wish I was rich. Genie: Granted, what's your second wish? Rich: I want lots of money.
"
198869,"TERRORISM ALERT!!! I'm gonna blow up the comments section
"
107808,"why aren't there any knock-knock jokes about america? because freedom rings.
"
40491,"Yo momma is so fat, I took a picture of her last Christmas and it's still printing.
"
153684,"Karma points do not reflect your self worth Now gimme my karma points!
"
92316,"How many /r/Jokes users does it take to screw in a lightbulb Six. One to actually do it, and five to complain how it's the same one they've seen before.
"
125429,"Did you know this about Jared from Subway? He lost 250 pounds eating their sandwiches.
"
185992,"What do Alicia Keys, Katniss Everdeen, and Joan of Arc all have in common? They're all girls on fire.
"
149543,"What do you call it... ...when you get head from a black girl and a white girl at the same time? Marblehead
"
145347,"Well Officer..we didn't have a bottle so that dead guy over there.. """"Him?"""" No the other dead guy..suggested """"Spin The .44""""..And I WON!
"
139594,"That's a nice ham you got there It'd be a shame if someone put an """"S"""" in front and an """"E"""" behind it
"
91913,"To much precaution... Two security guards obtained me at the airport after they opened my luggage and found some IcyHot patches, they said: I was packing heat.
"
184489,"Mountain's aren't funny... They're hill areas.
"
215919,"You can't compare Tim Cook and Donald Trump It's like comparing apples to oranges.
"
153528,"I've just been sentenced to 6 months in prism It'll give me a chance to reflect
"
140543,"What did the Hebrew's call it when they stopped receiving mana every morning? mana-pause
"
204993,"How do you find the fastest man in Africa? Roll a penny down a hill.
"
97385,"off to see the new anti-semitic Tyler Perry movie, """"Jews Control the Madea.""""
"
7838,"What does Donald Trump play most of the time? President Evil.
"
8202,"What do you get when David Lynch directs a remake of The Godfather? Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand.
"
214809,"Knock Knock Who's there ? Cook ! Cook who ? Cuckoo yourself I don't come here to be insulted !
"
153899,"I asked a beautiful homeless girl if I could taker her home with me. She said, """"Yes!"""" With a big smile... But that quickly changed when I walked away with the cardboard box that she lived in.
"
83339,"They say that time heals all wounds... But what if you get hit in the head with a clock?
"
47623,"Q: What's the difference between roast beef & pea soup? A: Anyone can roast beef.
"
215171,"What's the best fabric Softener to use on a cat? Pounce...
"
188085,"I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.
"
30327,"A plant goes to a university. It is a STEM major.
"
65044,"Q: Why did the elephants go on a diet? A: Because they had too much junk in the trunk.
"
118525,"I have a friend called 'Tiba' Sometimes I think he's a bit backwards
"
17040,"*opens drawer* huh, I don't remember this shirt being pink. OMG...did he...did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer* -Law & Order sound
"
170090,"I peed on the elevator. That's wrong on SO many levels.
"
105863,"Why was Hitler diagnosed with blindness? Because he could nazi anyone.
"
60973,"The less people you chill with, the less bullshit you deal with.
"
37464,"A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 10 feet... But I can only walk so fast
"
122088,"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.
"
141145,"What is the safest place in the galaxy? In the direct line of fire of a Storm Trooper.
"
56536,"Have you seen www.stickytape.com? Yes I can't tear myself away.
"
126992,"What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
"
164234,"What's the difference between a black man and a park bench? The bench can support a family of 4.
"
26900,"Him: Will you marry me? Me: omg what did I do, why don't you want to have sex with me anymore?
"
142622,"If we stop neutering our dogs then the Terriers have won.
"
26827,"I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
"
139322,"Was there a good turnout at the Bernie Sanders rally? There were a lot of people, but I wouldn't say it was super pac'd.
"
134872,"Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
"
230920,"Hey, women that breastfeed in public... What's with you not winking back?
"
50935,"Why was the hipster wearing a sweater in July? Because he was cold before it was cool.
"
125319,"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my chest
"
62742,"What do you call a woman-hating masseuse? A massage-onist.
"
92632,"I'm going to to start a horse peeing race, The award will be called the trickle crown.
"
98226,"What do you call a man holding a machine gun? Sir
"
89933,"Optimus Prime partially clothed ... Semi-nude.
"
119072,"I heard Hillary paid a touching tribute at the 9/11 memorial... ...she collapsed.
"
29703,"What's got 40 balls and fucks ducks? A 12 Gauge Shotgun
"
75767,"An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don't get electrocuted when it rains and now we're checking Google
"
35165,"Did you hear about the new PBR-flavored bagel spread """"Pabst schmear""""
"
144953,"[sees a dog about to get run over] Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close [sees a cat about to get run over] Me: car coming
"
197470,"Q-How did the gay guy feel when he went shopping? A= Like a **girl**. *Lol*
"
220271,"How do you know when your roommate is gay? His dick tastes like shit..
"
85434,"What is white and goes up? A stupid snowflake
"
222834,"No trees were killed to send this tweet, but a large number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
"
175351,"What Austrian girls and wine have in common? Both mature in a cellar.
"
129601,"Your moms ass is like sensitive data... ...you gotta back dat shit up!
"
2683,"Why do female drivers sit higher up in their seats than male drivers? Because they're sitting on a box.
"
192444,"""""I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'""""
"
141266,"If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
"
179757,"What do you call a Mormon who switches religion? A mormoff!
"
115344,"I wish work was like high school when I could just poop my pants to get sent home.
"
87803,"Why are men sexier than women? Because you can't spell sexy without xy.
"
120536,"Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
"
38317,"Assorted s a/e x jokes Remember to always practice safe sax We don't suck we blow wet the butt, wiggle, and blow
"
188614,"My girlfriend says there's no difference between Asians and Caucasians. She really can't tell White from Wong.
"
11063,"INTERVIEWER to job applicant: """"Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?""""
"
14213,"Life is like a penis... Life is like a penis - simple, relaxed and hanging free... It's women who make it hard!
"
22772,"Alzheimer Joke (Not sure if repost.) I'll see myself out...
"
19335,"Peter: My brother wants to work badly! Anita: As I remember he usually does !
"
430,"*job interview* Why do you want to be a psychiatrist? *pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers* I want to help people
"
87519,"Why are Communists bad Java programmers? They don't like classes.
"
56551,"What did the Ocean say to the Beach? Nothing, it just waved... Prolly my favorite joke of all time, maybe ever.
"
76245,"How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
"
193035,"1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note. Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
"
193737,"Where did the King keep his armies? In his sleevies!
"
152437,"Why do girls wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and smell bad.
"
210672,"An old man goes to the doctor... Man: Doc, my belly is so fat I can't see my penis at all! Doctor: Have you tried to diet? Man: Why? What color is it now?
"
230343,"My love is like a candle... Because if you forget about me I will burn your fucking house to the ground.
"
183420,"What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun? Frank
"
95653,"Heard this from an eight year old: What's green and pecks on trees. Woody Wood Pickle
"
217141,"Broke up with my girlfriend today It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.
"
19567,"I saw a racially tolerant orchestra... None of them were bassists.
"
214933,"What's the difference between a gun and a penis? One is used to kill brats, the other makes brats.
"
190793,"When Trump was a kid wanted to be an astronaut when he grew up... ...but all he was able to accomplish was the first syllable.
"
64353,"Red sky at night shepherd's delight. Red sky in the morning... Your barn's on fire.
"
79073,"I wrote a song about cutting down trees. It's not a snappy tune, it just lumbers along.
"
13849,"Your mom's like a gong, everybody bangs her.
"
56334,"Where does Batman go to get a haircut? Batman-do
"
96700,"The contents of my son's last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
"
188022,"What do you call a crippled kid locked in a hot car? Steamed Vegetable.
"
62987,"Gay test: are you gay ? If you answered yes, then you're gay.
"
157341,"The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you're going to donate them to charity.
"
188081,"What do you call it when a rabbit tactfully jumps in front of a line? A nice hare cut
"
117767,"Million Dollar Idea: A pot pie. Only bigger. And filled instead with fruit. Apples perhaps.
"
113036,"""""Open Mike Night"""" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I'd been invited to an autopsy.
"
175471,"If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there's a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
"
3044,"I kept pouring water on my Iphone.. because Siri won't tell me where the terrorists are.
"
138380,"How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy
"
195588,"I like my women like I like my computer Turned on On my lap And virus free
"
126742,"How do you guys think the Germans will do in the Olympics this year? Not too well considering they can't finish a race.
"
75914,"When the pilot says, """"This is your captain speaking,"""" I like to brush the hair from his eyes and whisper, """"This is your passenger listening""""
"
225688,"Friend: Don't come on too strong is my dating tip. [At the restaurant] Her: Can you pass the salt, please? Me: Sorry, it's too heavy.
"
66517,"Do you know the difference between mono and herpes? You get mono from snatching a kiss, but you get herpes from kissing a snatch.
"
123921,"I want a girl with a short skirt and a lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng neck. I want to date a giraffe basically.
"
121152,"""""Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses"""" -I remind myself as I flirt with the fire extinguisher I've mistaken for a cute guy
"
8498,"I saw a guy holding a TV I was walking down the street, when I saw a black guy holding a TV. I thought """"holy shit, is that mine?"""" I went home to check. But nah, mine was at home polishing my shoes.
"
135053,"*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
"
167036,"Two deers walk out of a gay bar. And the one says to the other... """"I can't believe I blew Fifty Bucks back there!""""
"
112105,"9/10 Redditors are idiots I'm glad to be the 1%
"
110799,"vote up if when you switch on light in a dack room and it shines, where does the dackness go to?
"
166539,"What do you call a fat computer? Adele.
"
217821,"Knock knock. Whose their? The grammar police.
"
213691,"My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, """"how did the job interview go?"""" in front of everyone.
"
200891,"What Do You Call IDubbbz When He is Angry? Osteoferocious!
"
3906,"What's Hitler's favorite videogame? Mein Kraft.
"
97234,"-I heard this dog was chipped. -Microchipped sir. -I don't care how small the chip is, I'm not paying full price.
"
192458,"How can you tell if someone voted Green Party? Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
"
213577,"Chuck Norris caught all pokemons. With nokia 3310.
"
115863,"Who him? Oh that's just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter- *saxophone solo* INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
"
81020,"Just got back from seeing a chiropractor that guy cracks me up
"
144922,"What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies.
"
204094,"Did you hear Willie Nelson died? He was playing on the road again.
"
164120,"What does it taste like to eat out an 85 year old woman? Depends
"
170774,"Why does the addict avoid going to the bank? Because he suffers from cash withdrawals.
"
77268,"What did the bra say to the hat? """"You go on a head, I'm gonna give these two a lift.""""
"
228566,"I found a place where recycling rate is 98% Reddit.
"
200225,"What did one dry erase marker say to the other? I'm bored! (As in board) Another one from my 9 year-old.
"
168634,"What do you call a director of an anti-vampire organization? A stakeholder.
"
106123,"Why is the dog man's best friend? He has to have someone to blame the farts on.
"
141947,"Why shouldn't you put extra lettuce on your BLT? Because then you won't be able to fit into your B-E-L-T! killme.jpg
"
13030,"Considering you can be anything you want on the internet, it's amazing how many choose to be stupid.
"
56369,"Micheal J. Fox made a Twitch account. He doesn't play games, he just sits there.
"
230562,"What do you call a woman of the night playing a trumpet? A prosti-toot
"
77081,"What do you call a cow with no legs.. Ground beef
"
146991,"Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run away too if your name was Mweauuuuuaoooeeo
"
166742,"Why do women prefer a 77 instead of a 69? (Slightly NSFW) Because they get 8 more.
"
78447,"[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature's best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
"
71254,"I was in the bank yesterday and all the money floated out of the vault and flew right out the door... It was a polterheist.
"
180889,"Fred: let's settle this once and for all! *fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull* Velma: he wasn't wearing a mask! Fred: I know.
"
195101,"Why did the scientist take off his doorbell? ...because he wanted to win the """"Nobel"""" prize!
"
18794,"I saw a man yesterday who was so bald I could see what he was thinking.
"
168219,"Why couldn't the Lesbian Jew hook up during passover? She had a yeast infection
"
187307,"Shakespeare &amp; The Beatles walk into a pub... ...Landlord says, """"sorry mate, you're barred and those guys are banned"""".
"
82954,"When someone tries to argue with me I'm like """"hey pal let me stop you right there"""" and then physically turn them around to face someone else
"
29884,"I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN'T STOP SHOUTING!
"
159306,"People use to laugh at me when I would say """"I want to be a comedian"""" Well nobody is laughing now.
"
142183,"IT:have you deleted your cookies? Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
"
197912,"I just got the heebie jeebies. That's what I get for having unprotected sex with a ghost.
"
73616,"There are thirty cows and twenty eight chickens. How many didn't? Ten of them.
"
83359,"Are people in wheelchairs okay with jokes being made about them? I don't know where they stand on the issue.
"
114231,"why aren't there any good jokes about the dark side? i dunno but there's a darth of them
"
80092,"What did Indian Ocean said to Atlantic Ocean? Nothing.. They just waved.
"
210825,"I don't play mario kart with my brother anymore. Because we are both in our 20's & my mom is not there to split us up when we fight.
"
109004,"I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
"
101796,"50 shades of grey broke a lot of box office records for R-rated movies... Well first it tied them, then it beat them.
"
158742,"Person: It's not rocket science. Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
"
49336,"Knock knock. Who's there? Nunya. Nunya who? How many Nunyas do you know?
"
91936,"My new bucket really does its job well. My old one pails in comparison.
"
216739,"what was Stevie Wonders first words when he got his eyesight back? Who the hells been dressing me all these years?
"
164083,"My wife wants to go see the Suffragette movie. But she doesn't get a vote.
"
76273,"I don't care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
"
7444,"What do you call a poster of a sexy pepper? A jalapinup
"
147217,"What's big, red, and eats rocks? A big red rock eater.
"
24987,"If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate
"
57345,"I'm impressed with my mom's commitment to saying the word 'the' before every noun. Example: the Walgreens, the AIDS, the Fox News, the Adele
"
202779,"Why did the girlfriend of a guy trying to pay down $20K in debt leave him? No eating out.
"
42360,"Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
"
80184,"Did you know that Hitler survived World War 2? He's currently a mod at r/news.
"
28744,"Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back... Make sure she's not standing in front of a mirror.
"
50030,"When I die I want my body donated to science Specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life.
"
125231,"Le Jesus Joke What is the difference between white Jesus and black Jesus... Black Jesus didn't pay for his sins :3
"
225350,"""""Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor""""- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the 'Caution: wet floor' sign
"
84931,"To all the US redditors, remember to set the clock back an hour on Sunday and not set the country back 50 years on Tuesday.
"
9066,"Since my girlfriend discovered out the eyeroll and tongue sticking emojis she doesn't have to type words anymore.
"
203694,"What started feminism? An unlocked kitchen door.
"
102282,"This joke is a repost [removed]
"
165606,"WAy back in the day Canada was originally called CND So America calls CND and asks them to spell it so they know what to write on their maps. The guy from CND replies, """"C eh, N eh, D eh.""""
"
48635,"If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
"
168364,"What do you call a pig that can't be seen? Hamouflage
"
64594,"If bird-watching is called bird-watching, what do you cal cow-watching? A steak out.
"
38047,"Shakira molests air and calls it dancing.
"
81662,"Why do dyslexics make bad joke tellers? They always punch up the fuckline
"
8003,"I like my women like I like my coffee... With no stray pubes.
"
176316,"I've been playing poker on Facebook. So far I've poked 113 women, but not a one of them have poked me back.
"
102819,"My girlfriend is the square root of -100 Perfect 10, but imaginary
"
222198,"If you want to set up a company and run it then that's your business.
"
46026,"Did you hear about Mike Tyson's opinion on ears? He had some biting commentary on the matter.
"
150683,"By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
"
66280,"Did you hear about the kidnapping today? He woke up though so it's okay.
"
167951,"Man to very beautiful airhostess:- """"What's your name?"""" Air hostess:- """"Eva Benz.."""" Man :- """"Lovely name...any relation to Mercedes Benz?"""" Air hostess:- (smiling) """"maintenance cost is same"""" :D
"
196428,"What's the difference between a man in plain clothes riding a unicycle and a man in a tuxedo riding a bike? Attire
"
9119,"Write a quickly escalating inappropriate joke
"
212922,"Lance Armstrong got emotional during his Oprah interview, but numerous sources are reporting that he used performance enhancing onions.
"
16149,"A girl called me up, she said """"come over there's nobody home"""" So I went over, but there was nobody home
"
66318,"How do you get a woman from to be, to bed? Give her the D.
"
30889,"How about how some people are SO gothed out but still drive a Ford Focus and shit?! Make your vehicle goth or you ain't shit.
"
177469,"There's something really addictive about Brownies... ... I think it's their exotic accent.
"
104770,"What kind of bee can never make up its mind? A maybe
"
225119,"Why did the rockstar turkey get kicked out of the concert? Because he tryptophan.
"
123330,"YO MAMA SO FAT! Yo mama so fat, that when she went skydiving over Iraq, isis thought America dropped a nuke.
"
210365,"Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE.
"
206749,"I'm sad because I don't have an Xbox. Someone console me.
"
162677,"My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. """"What am I going to do with two dead dogs?""""
"
39892,"White House Update: Dick Cheney extends hunting invitation to Trump Nope. Sorry. Just kidding. Edit: buncha scrubs keep downvoting my hilarious joke.
"
225587,"There once was a man from Peru, Whose limericks stopped at line two.
"
223197,"You had me at """"there's no security cameras.""""
"
3532,"What do snotty vegetables do when they see something they don't like ? They 'turnip' their noses.
"
84096,"Frankenstein.. Frankenstein enters a body building competition, and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.
"
1776,"I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women [FIXED] Turns out they're way harder to pick up than I thought.
"
204169,"That's a nicece ham you have there. Would be a shame if someone put a """"s"""" at the start and a """"e"""" at the end.
"
19890,"20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.
"
1278,"I said to my dyslexic mate, """"Guess which band has split up?"""" He said, """"Erm...""""
"
200338,"Did you hear about the time Hitler and Stalin shared an apartment? It turns out that their landlord was the lessor to two evils.
"
177314,"What's the difference between a reindeer and a caribou? Caribou can't fly.
"
22654,"How many X does it take to change a light bulb? N! One to change the light bulb, and n-1 to display stereotypical behavioral traits of X!
"
129295,"Doctor: """"Just lie back and relax, I'll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment."""" *Turns on laser* *Patient's face is attacked by cats*
"
216578,"What did the Nazi interrogater say to the clock that would only tick? """"Ve have vays of making you tock!""""
"
15812,"Im tired of chasing people who wont chase me... from today on the ice cream man can go fuck himself.
"
223018,"Ever fill a garbage bag, put your foot on it and stomped the hell out of it so it held 9 times what it's supposed to? Yoga pants explained.
"
160558,"1st Cannibal: I don't know what to make of my boyfriend these days. 2nd Cannibal: How about a hotpot ?
"
123548,"Why are Buddhists so good at King cake Because they are great and finding their inner piece
"
70166,"How many Libertarian Capitalists does it take to change a light bulb? I ain't buyin those fancy *Tek-noh-lo-jikal* Big-Government ones. The free market idn't ready.
"
180316,"A joke walks into a bar Bartender says, """"Woah! I've never meta joke before!""""
"
34426,"What does walking a tight rope and receiving a blow job from your mother-in-law have in common? In both cases it is strongly advisable to not look down
"
24458,"I used to make a living crushing cans. It was soda pressing.
"
135631,"YOU WANNA PIECE OF THIS!?!?! ~me, aggressively handing out cake
"
117820,"Potato chips bragging about having less fat - I don't think you understand people who eat you.
"
57294,"I bought a timeshare on a racehorse. It's a nightmare.
"
78865,"What is the worst thing you can hear while blowing Willie Nelson? I'm not Willie Nelson.
"
154966,"When you want to stop the blacks from hanging around your store so much... cut them down.
"
54732,"On medication is the BEST time to operate heavy machinery
"
147926,"What did the suicide bomber from the Rebel Alliance say before detonating? ADMIRAL ACKBAR!
"
200411,"A hard thing about a business is minding your own.
"
200892,"Here's a crazy idea. What if Budweiser took all that advertising money and actually made better beer?
"
157321,"When I was a kid there were reports of alligators in the sewers that would come up through toilets. It turned out to be a croc of shit.
"
83048,"Say what you will about terrorists, but those guys really know how to paint the town red.
"
31757,"If you're bored, wear a cape. Then you can be Super Bored
"
54896,"If i cut off my right butt cheek will i be left behind?
"
184873,"Whenever I see Americans make fun of Kim Jong-un, I think to myself Come on, you're bigger than that.
"
207483,"It has been brought to my attention that people stickers on car windows are NOT pedestrian kills,but family members. Removing mine ASAP.
"
197559,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Princess Leia Barbie ...Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars
"
50392,"Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap? It takes longer to pick up.
"
28902,"Welcome to the school of hard knocks... You'd better hope your front door can take it!
"
181664,"""""i wouldnt be caught dead"""" someone throws a net over my dead corpse """"gotcha!!"""" """"noooo""""
"
220132,"My wise grandfather once told me, """"The small things in life are often the most beautiful."""" Guess that explains my midget fetish.
"
33770,"Back home from the chinese paralympics.
"
51501,"Human drinks a Vampire's blood. Out of curiosity, the Vampire asks what it tastes like. """"It's irony.""""
"
198814,"What happened to the Christian family when they didn't pay their exorcist? THEIR HOUSE GOT REPOSSESSED!
"
46423,"How do you know if you're at a gay guys cookout?? The hot dogs taste like shit!
"
3407,"Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end? Doctors say his condition is stable.
"
70996,"""""Twilight"""" is the timeless story of a girl who must choose between ripped abs or clingy dependency.
"
65515,"Oh Subway You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we've been doing that for years. Sincerely; Guys
"
178942,"Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days
"
225318,"What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
"
107853,"In life, God is my co-pilot. Unfortunately He is on the no-fly list thanks to His ties to several extremist groups.
"
140574,"Why did the cow explode? Because it was a mooooooslim.
"
192124,"YSK: Daylight Savings Time ends tonight, make sure to reset all your clocks. Oops, wrong sub
"
190506,"What's a Hater, Homophobe, Racist, Bigot, and Sexist? Any conservative winning an argument with a liberal, Democrat or 'progressive'.
"
123153,"A little boy asked his father... """"Daddy, what's a transvestite?"""" """"Go ask your mother. He'll tell you.""""
"
222583,"Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they're eating this luscious grass.
"
137636,"A good old Dubya joke Why does Larua always have to be on top when she and Dubya have sex? Becuase all he can do is fuck up.
"
98325,"I can never be a fan of Negative People... Squarely rooting for them is simply... Imaginary.
"
156201,"If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
"
209967,"*2 pieces of bread being held hostage* bread 1: any way you slice it we're toast bread 2: we're dead wheat me: did my breakfast just talk
"
100241,"Someday I'll find a good commie joke... Marx my words.
"
200986,"On a scale of 1-10 how retarded do you think we, as humans, are? 9/11
"
78243,"Why do french tanks have rear-view mirrors? So they can see the battle.
"
202505,"Despite the contradictory advice circulated in the late '90s, if you wanna be my lover, please do not get with my friends.
"
36001,"Why are Plumbers always so tired? Because their job is draining.
"
214705,"Fun game: Select all of your Snapchat contacts and send them a text that says... """"Wow...Are you sure that was for me?"""" And wait.
"
4850,"So...Donald Trump was on The View today. I kept rewinding it and watching it trying to spot Elizabeth Hasselbeck's boner.
"
37297,"Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those fuckers live forever.
"
83332,"I can't help but pronounce A, E, I, O, and U very aggressivley. I think I have irrititable vowel syndrome.
"
203662,"What did Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant? Dead Ant, Dead Ant....Dead Ant, Dead Ant, Dead Ant...
"
170555,"[Showing a friend around the house] Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn. *motions to area covered in popcorn.
"
10945,"What's fat, sweaty, and bad at cooking? My ex wife!
"
135824,"I went swimming in the Black Sea. It stole my trunks.
"
190986,"What is the difference between men and women? A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
"
220692,"""""You suck."""" """"No, you suck."""" """"Really, you suck."""" """"Please, you suck."""" """"You suck, I insist."""" -- Polite vampires.
"
172055,"If Reese Witherspoon married Bill Withers ...she'd have to give up the poon.
"
41722,"I'm starting a tent business. My first sales event will be called the """"Tent Offensive""""
"
96598,"She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
"
160696,"What do you call a cross dressed robot? Android-gynous
"
208318,"Donald Trump if elected President will change the name of his plane Hair Force One
"
45464,"Have you ever heard of the lady who was accused of being the infamous Quilted Killer? She's innocent until proven quilty.
"
43820,"Why do women have short feet? So they can stand closer to the sink
"
153123,"I like my Presidents like I like my porn saved
"
216060,"How many perverts does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one. But it takes the whole ER to get it out.
"
16160,"Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team? Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S
"
125115,"I wonder what appeared over Thomas Edison's head when he got the idea for the light bulb...
"
808,"Student: Teacher, can I ask you a question? Teacher: You just did.
"
12294,"I was shocked when I found out just how many techno songs Steven Hawking sings on.
"
149842,"How many Reddit mods does it take to change a lightbulb? A substantial amount, you fucking morons.
"
175688,"My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
"
69771,"Does anyone need an ark? I noah guy!
"
122935,"What is worse than 7 babies nailed to a tree? One baby nailed to 7 trees:)
"
109627,"My wife has two weeks left to live... Then I'm going to stab her.
"
221384,"Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
"
74721,"What do you call a bunch of Jews in a concert? A Moshe Pit
"
175329,"I'm really glad the Revolution happened in the 1770s. If it happened this decade we'd all just sign a petition saying we hate the King
"
34529,"This is the way Reddit ends. Not with a bang, but with a Pao.
"
112571,"Q. What is black and white and screams? A. A nun falling down a flight of stairs.
"
121944,"""""I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In"""" is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
"
50967,"A suicide bomber walks into a bar But he doesn't blow up, because it's an Allahu snack bar.
"
94694,"How is a NASA Shuttle similar to Sex with Your Mother? ... They both burn on re-entry.
"
11709,"""""Wow, I haven't showered since last year!"""" """"Haha good one, but it's not the new year yet"""" """"I know...""""
"
214081,"I'm thinking about taking a break from drinking . I hear drinking too much water can be deadly
"
202447,"What do you call a chronic masturbaiter in Turkey? A jerkin Turkin
"
10477,"Why don't mathematicians ever get blackout drunk? They know their limits.
"
176438,"I cant find my large stir fry pan It's like it just gets up and Woks away
"
5944,"Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA? General Pao's chicken.
"
161660,"I think a gay guy hit on me in a bar... He was passing behind me and asked """"Do you mind if I push in your stool?""""
"
186462,"I had sex last night with a girl who had to be in control of every damn thing. It was my first time having anal sex.
"
102032,"What's the difference between Turkey and Duck? Duck doesn't deny the Armenian Genocide.
"
93381,"What's the difference between Barbie and Street Fighter? In Barbie, Ken doesn't beat the hell out of women.
"
98279,"How come nobody created this obvious children's toy? Squeaky Fromme dolls. Think about it. They'd make good doggie chew toys too....
"
231057,"A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, """"why the long face?"""" & the horse says, """"why the English Lit degree?""""
"
143481,"Me and snoop dog worked together. It was a joint project
"
112360,"PMS jokes are not funny period.
"
87622,"Why did the bumble bee have sticky fur? Because he used a honey comb.
"
118075,"They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn't mean to eat it. I don't want to be a bug.
"
148573,"What kind of environment do hobbits live in? A hobbitat
"
216936,"How do you know Putin is late for Thanks Giving? He's Russian to Turkey.
"
142196,"Where does a prostitute go to rat out her pimp? To a hoe-tell.
"
172005,"What do you call immigrants to Sweden? Ugly.
"
155931,"what idiot caled it """"king arthur adn the knigts of the roumd table"""" insted of a """"circumference sir conference""""
"
194900,"What's the worst hereditary disease? Cousins
"
204334,"What do moldy corn flakes and Charles Manson have in common? They're both cereal killers!
"
19542,"SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster's in there. ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
"
147307,"My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer. Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!
"
134644,"What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food? a polynomeal
"
224615,"Did you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself?
"
29050,"What's green and has wheels? A Pickle and I lied about the wheels.
"
32342,"A cat walks into the bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender responds: '' Are you going to drink it or just knock it over on purpose?''
"
225276,"What do you call an Asian boy with downs? Lo Mein. See you all in hell.
"
17830,"There is a new Barbie doll on the market -  Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer ...an excellent Holiday gift idea
"
181076,"Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper ? He sold his soul to Santa.
"
216250,"[arguing with friend about chemistry] *cop walks up* do we have a problem here? Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
"
9413,"How has society let things go so far down hill that it still takes two minutes to make popcorn? China probably can pop corn in one minute.
"
73379,"Motorcycles, more like donor cycles.
"
113116,"I went to a baby shower I was torn between a vacuum or a coat hanger as a gift
"
144753,"how do you know you're at a gay picnic? the hotdogs taste like shit
"
208395,"What's the difference between a lobster with implants and an old, dirty bus stop? One's a busty crustacean and one's a crusty bus station.
"
159358,"Do you remember that creepy girl who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
"
186107,"What do you call two witches who share a  room? Broom-mates.
"
119071,"After sex, my wife told me I deserve a Gold Medal for my performance, for breaking Usain Bolt's record and finishing under 10 seconds.
"
212823,"Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
"
91303,"Here's a bit of advice for you. Advi.
"
108399,"My best relationship advice: Make sure you're the crazy one.
"
180607,"What do you call a horse that lives next to you? A Neigh-bor. Sorry for my horrible dad joke.
"
64277,"Why don't Indians eat baguette? Because there's naan there.
"
73281,"A lot of people tell me I look like a blind Channing Tatum I don't see it
"
55058,"My doctor said I had 2 months to live So I shot him, the judge gave me 30 years
"
68927,"""""W.A.D.""""  a simple mnemonic device for remembering the steps in folding a fitted sheet  stands for: 1. Wad it up; 2. And; 3. Done
"
203707,"I play the triangle in my local reggae band I just stand at the back and ting.
"
126263,"Did you hear about the nutty professor? He pursued a career in *m*acadamia!
"
66482,"Real Estate Agent: Do you want to look at the model homes? Me: I'm flattered you think I'm a model but I'll just look at the regular homes
"
182266,"Next year is going to be directed by Hideaki Anno... It'll be 2015+1
"
144310,"I WANT TO LIVE! Patient:""""Docter, I have only 30 seconds to live!"""" Doctor:""""I'll be with you in a minute.""""
"
95272,"I hear it's snowing steadily in Istanbul... In fact, in Istanbul they can't stop the snowplow
"
43804,"New study shows Android phone users are more likely to put out, apparently iPhone users are too busy waiting in a line to have sex.
"
44601,"What is the most sensitive part of a mans anatomy while he's masturbating? His ears. Oooo! I get to say it! """"Front page?! Wow! Thanks y'all!"""" Oh yea, and """"RIP my inbox"""" Good times!
"
108927,"Playboy is starting a new magazine specifically for married men. It has the same centerfold every month!
"
20787,"Roses are red.... Violets are blue-ish, If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish!
"
13469,"My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
"
63979,"What do you call a joke about oral sex? Pun-ilingus.
"
24318,"What did one wall say to the other wall? I`ll meet you at the corner.
"
58103,"What do you find at the bottom of the lake? Bassturds.
"
193089,"Business plan: 1) Spend 20 years mastering karate 2) Teach karate class, so you meet people who don't know karate 3) Rob them
"
213996,"This just in. My fingers.
"
152347,"What do you call a deaf dog? Whatever you want he still won't come.
"
195348,"How do you kill a fox? You cut off its leg and make it run across canada
"
219474,"What do you call a black man in a tree? A branch manager.
"
204035,"What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school? I don't know, I only fly the drone
"
67094,"What idiot named it prozac instead of sadvil
"
34046,"What did the tv say to the remote control? """"you turn me on""""
"
482,"What's a lumberjack's favorite director? TimBuuurrrrrrrton
"
127033,"What's the difference between my grandma and a baby? My grandma doesn't die when I fuck her.
"
162738,"Call 613-745-1576 for good time
"
5351,"Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos? A: They make great anchors!
"
75812,"If you aren't happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. Get your own life first, then share it.
"
23414,"What do lonely terrorists have sex with? Blow-up dolls.
"
191203,"An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied...
"
39122,"i don't think i can go back to a white president
"
22717,"""""Why?"""" - Socrates and four year-olds
"
103576,"What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND EYEEEEE..........
"
44223,"My birthday is the 26th, the day of the first Presidential Debate. I do love comedy on my birthday!
"
188239,"I told my mom I was going to go work the polls. She replied, """"don't forget to wipe it down before you start your set.""""
"
179751,"Why aren't the Eagles worried about big cats sneaking up on them? They know there ain't no way to hide those lion eyes.
"
156126,"Why is it called """"pig latin""""? ecausebay ronyiay
"
8184,"A guy walks into a pub he was hiding from the police after they shot his family for j walking
"
100467,"I'm tired of saving Daylight... You would think that saving his ass every year you would at least deserve a 'thank you'
"
201610,"I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
"
3568,"PRANK: ask someone what's on their shirt and when they look down give them a perm
"
94720,"What do you call someone who's been kicked out of a fraternity? Hasbro.
"
162994,"Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.
"
21680,"Any skirt looks good on the back of the chair.
"
25738,"Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead. The sugar bowls empty and so is your head.
"
146610,"World War II jokes aren't funny... Anne Frank-ly I don't care for them.
"
37672,"I hate when people people ask me what I'm doing in 5 years I mean like, come on guys I don't have 20/20 vision.
"
19105,"What's the most powerful part of a french tank Reverse gear
"
167692,"If you don't know, please ask. If you don't agree, argue. If you don't like it, please say it. But don't sit there quiet and judge me.
"
157538,"""""It's over there by the Walgreens"""" - directions to anywhere
"
127206,"There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand base n, those who don't, those who thought this would be a base n-1 joke, ..., and those who thought this would be a binary joke.
"
131819,"Grandma, stop asking people what they're supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
"
55301,"Tips for Guys on Valentine's Day: Tell your girl you already got somethingn and make her guess. She'll automatically list  things she want.
"
127931,"sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
"
180062,"My wife freaks out if any of my sperm gets on her face or hair or sister.
"
107483,"Finally time for Donald Trump to.. Finally time for Donald Trump to have his long-pending anus transplant. He really needs to stop shitting from his mouth now.
"
5901,"What do you call someone who pretends to work in a victorias secret? A panty-mime
"
214477,"Just discovered an app that tells you which one of your friends is stupid. It's called Facebook.
"
99871,"It is rude to Digg an article without first checking for gass, waterr or other utilityy lines.
"
18,"My speech today will be like a mini-skirt. Long enough to cover the essentials but short enough to hold your attention!
"
48233,"Yo mama is so hairy... ...She doesn't have a bush, she has a whole damn rain forest.
"
181504,"I don't mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
"
38432,"I found my first gray pube the other day. It was in a kebab.
"
44737,"Your mother is so ugly, that if she were the only girl in Texas... ...the Lone Ranger would be lonely for a loooooooooooooooong time
"
188846,"I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.
"
179644,"What did the 2 oceans say to each other? Nothing. They just waved.
"
124354,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Crispin ! Crispin who ? Crispin crunchy is how I like my apples !
"
229460,"My sister is an expert pastry-maker. She has to be to stay employed, her job has a high turnover rate.
"
76088,"What do you call it when a doctor has sex with a quarantined patient? Sick Fuck.
"
132143,"What insect lives on nothing? A moth because it eats holes.
"
102802,"Water is so good when it's mixed with barley, hops, and yeast.
"
203299,"What's Hitlers most hated candy? Jewb jewbs
"
120671,"Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.
"
114993,"Did you know... Did you know that Jews were the biggest magicians during World War 2. They entered trough the door and exited trough the chimney.
"
106388,"whats black and burns? stevie wonder answering the iron
"
133094,"Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
"
117908,"Joke from my cousin Her: Why did the chicken cross the road? Me: Why? Her: To get to the ugly guy's house. Me:??? Her: Knock knock Me: Who's there? Her: It's the chicken!
"
19111,"Some people only gets called by their nicknames. Usually it sounds weird to even say their real name.
"
163020,"Why do sharks swim in salt water? Because pepper would make them sneeze!
"
55040,"Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him? He couldn't handle his boos.
"
151584,"Did you listen to that song by the Muslim artist? It was like, the bomb!
"
73972,"Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly [emerges from cocoon] AH WTF I'M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
"
8173,"Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. """"We call it the melon-cauli,"""" says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I'm so sorry
"
138001,"If your ex is dropping subtle hints drop bigger hints. Like a toaster in a bathtub.
"
212867,"When George Washington was a general why did he  like to have dogs around? They were very helpful during the """"Roverlutionary War!""""
"
51561,"""""Son, I don't think you're cut out to be a mime."""" """"Was it something I said?"""" Asks the son. """"Yes.
"
171525,"Good News! Jesus is Coming! Bad News! He's bring terraforming equipment.
"
61508,"Due to my lack of sexual experience... I prematurely ejaculate every time I watch a baseball game.
"
177528,"What type of dog is always amazed? A Chi-WOW!-ua
"
115540,"What's a cow's favorite chemical? molybdenum monoxide MoO
"
88462,"This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
"
172347,"Wife """"WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?"""" [Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again...
"
21657,"How is Batman different from a black man? Batman can go in a store without Robin.
"
108288,"It was a rainy day in California...
"
38663,"""""Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them."""" - Archeologist who discovers the Internet
"
226451,"Useless People One useless person is useless. Two useless people are a law firm. Hundreds of useless people are Congress.
"
217344,"What does a chicken call its backpack? A BokBok...
"
226274,"B:You can never be possessed by any demonic beings. G:Why? Is it because I am very religious? B:No! Its because you are always so salty
"
67899,"I was sacked yesterday for being a pervert. I don't understand why, I'm always hard at work.
"
21662,"Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? Because they pushed two twins together to make a king.
"
226851,"Why was the baseball player arrested? He was involved in a hit-and-run.
"
45357,"Q: How is a marriage like a hot bath? A: Once you get used to it it's not so hot.
"
223892,"What is Donald Trump's favorite city to visit. Islamabad
"
123658,"I was watching """"Who wants to be a Millionaire?"""" on Zimbabwean TV.
"
210933,"Did you know there are 3 rings in a relationship? The engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer ring
"
24464,"What is The Rock going to name his Daughter? Pebbles!
"
181847,"W.I.F.E  Will Investigate & Find out Everything
"
10832,"How do you know if you have an underbite? When your eating pussy and it tastes like shit
"
198879,"I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
"
87898,"What do vegetarian zombies eat? Graaaaaaiiiins......
"
88145,"A lawyer, a tax-man and a murderer jump off a cliff in a race to the bottom. who wins? society
"
148898,"My friend was quite a colorful character... His name was Hugh
"
100252,"What's the worst thing about your girlfriend having a miscarriage? Trying to look upset.
"
180841,"People who make me do a slight jog because they hold the door open for me when I'm 15 feet away are the first to die when I become god.
"
3233,"Get in on Syrian real estate now! The markets are exploding!
"
26886,"What do you get if you walk under a cow? A pat on the head.
"
180670,"What do you do when a black person gets killed by a cop? Let Mayweather lead all the protests, That way we know it will be peaceful and someone will get a hug every minute.
"
67534,"Everyone wants a bigger house until you have to dust Now I'm dreaming of a one room shanty inside a bubble
"
17924,"Why did the mouse eat a candle ? For some light refreshment!
"
25664,"What's black on the outside, green on the inside and can go through walls? Ghost avocado.
"
102123,"Study Abroad I participated in a study abroad program in college but I got kicked out for studying more than one.
"
120829,"Whats a trilby clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?
"
14505,"I found out that for months my kid has been throwing his poop at beehives. I sat him down and said, """"Son, it's time we talked about the turds and the bees.""""
"
47951,"The winner of Powerball should really invest in a diverse portfolio There's also Mega Millions, Tri-State, and SuperLotto.
"
89448,"You need some David in your life... Because Jesus clearly isn't helping you.
"
48683,"So i was sitting on the bus... ... next to this really hot Thai girl and i thought to myself, """"Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."""" ...But she did.
"
53643,"Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album. Don't be an enabler. Drop the phone.
"
80032,"What do people say when they hear about the assassin from Wales? Welsh-hitman!
"
145002,"I had the biggest dick in 3rd grade which was pretty impressive Also probably the reason I got fired
"
190989,"i would like it if batmans ears folded down when he got sad
"
43896,"As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech... From the father of the bride and groom.
"
34841,"All I'm saying is that the cheese grater wouldn't have 4 sides if they wanted you to wash it after EVERY use.
"
105557,"I'd say I avoid Facebook like the plague, but I don't do much to avoid the plague.
"
81309,"A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender, """"What do you have on tap?"""" He replies, """"Anheuser-Busch"""" She says, """"Just fine. How's your penis?""""
"
12370,"Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
"
199175,"Was giving a door counselling. We didn't get anywhere at first but he soon opened up to me.
"
67772,"Damn girl, are you Miley Cyrus? I fucking hate you.
"
170045,"TIL Doctors can screen for STDs by placing a feather along the skin between the penis and the butthole. Doctors don't use this screening method, however, because the test tickles.
"
203836,"What do you call a gay in the middle of the ocean? Flambuoyant :)
"
169198,"Why do vacuums machines make for such terrible hairdriers? because they suck.
"
184406,"I think I'm going to take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it...
"
52157,"If a bundle of sticks with an axe in it is a fasces, does that make an OP with an axe to grind a fascist? Seems that way on 4chan.
"
158866,"Rumor has it that the Canadian immigration website crashed because.., Amy Schumer was on it
"
2905,"I like my Wifi like I like my sex... Unprotected.
"
138919,"A scientist who studies Adam's apples is called a guyneckologist.
"
110058,"Did you hear about that guy who was crushed by his Honda? Police say he died of his own Accord.
"
142476,"I work in construction... We don't have side pieces, we have back hoes
"
119985,"What does Amtrak have in common with Tom Cruise? They both like to go off the rails Edit: On a side note, I hope all of the passengers, and crew are ok, and recover quickly
"
48952,"Most of my parenting skills come from watching Animal Planet.
"
216543,"You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!
"
54430,"Hey why isn't Phil Hughes playing in the test today? Oh didn't you hear, he was the first Australian to be killed by ebola!
"
10745,"What do you call a tube with a degree? A graduated cylinder.
"
58707,"WIFE: how old is your daughter? WIFE'S FRIEND: she's eight going on nine. ME: *whispering* That's how numbers work
"
48143,"Got the cheese sweats. Got the cheese sweats real bad.
"
150680,"How did they come up with Canada's name? Well first they picked a C, eh. Then an N, eh. Then a D, eh.
"
221565,"I always pretend I've never had the samples at Costco. """"What's this? Bagel Bites? Combining bagel & pizza into one?? Now this I GOTTA TRY!""""
"
152218,"I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
"
46704,"A brunette tells her blonde friend that she can finally say that she's slept with a Brazilian. The blonde looks shocked and says, """"OMG, how many is a Brazilian???
"
145,"Stealing my little brother's (fellow Redditor) original joke, hope he sees it and is pissed. What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree...? A Porky-Pine
"
24681,"BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot-- LAWYER: *plays dead* BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go
"
73071,"I like my woman like I like my font Bold, black, and size 14.
"
84462,"Knock knock Who's there? You want two CDs You want two CDs who? You want to see deez nutz?
"
194312,"Just saw a fly on my flight and all I could think was what a lazy piece of shit.
"
82158,"My dear Grandpa died peacefully in his sleep. But his 3 passengers all went screaming.
"
163894,"what goes thump thump thump squish thump thump thump squish a Caterpillar with one wet sneaker.
"
211866,"I wonder if this conversation ever took place.. - Jesus, what is that over there? - Don't hang me up on it, but I think it's a cross.
"
83172,"Elon Musk has decided to abandon his dream of going to Mars and pursue a career in perfume sales. In honor of the canceled Mars program he will be debuting 'SpaceAxe', a signature Elon """"Musk"""".
"
195615,"What does a girl say to a guy when she sees his huge dick? Im not sure either.
"
68869,"What did the SJW say to the person who had just been blackmailed? At least you didn't get white maled.
"
183361,"""""Are you already hot as shit? Then you'll look hot as shit in our glasses"""" - Every glasses ad
"
186219,"I overheard a work colleague saying they are going to a fancy dress party as a small island of the coast of Italy I said don't be Sicily
"
48662,"Did you hear the one about Gilgamesh? It was epic.
"
217710,"what is the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? beer nuts are at least a dollar fifty, and deer nuts are just under a buck.
"
200305,"My first post in this sub. Here goes nothing...
"
123945,"I asked my boss... I asked my boss what he wanted me to do with a large roll of bubble wrap. He told me to pop it in the corner. It took me over three hours!
"
119535,"Did you hear about the electrician who bought a Camaro using money he got from scrap wire? He really crimped and saved
"
41083,"Did you hear about the woman who got caught with pot in her fake breasts? It was a huge drug bust
"
68063,"If laughter was the best medicine... Your face would cure the world!
"
142329,"How many Mexicans will make it across the border when Trump becomes president? Juan in a million.
"
91935,"The last time people got so upset over a cup.. It involved two girls.
"
219652,"How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm? He has a flashing light.
"
77313,"Deez nuts hah goteem
"
215405,"- """"I love Beyonce... - Whatever floats your boat mate. - No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'. - ...""""
"
149836,"Rick Astley will let you borrow all the movies in his Pixar collection except one, He is never gonna give you Up.
"
204666,"What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones!
"
218290,"Where does an elephant carry its laptop? In its trunk.
"
76084,"It's bad enough I have to worry about people when I leave my house now I have to contend with Pokemon as well
"
178025,"OH HAPPY DAY! GAS WENT DOWN 2 CENTS! Now I can buy my daughter that fancy blue gumball she's always wanted.
"
190828,"Just had a kale and quinoa salad and now my name is Autumn and I braid my hair and drive a Subaru.
"
164334,"Q: How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a  pillow? A: Down in the mouth!
"
26745,"Reception Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
"
33142,"I saw a sign that said """"Watch for children"""" I thought to myself """"That sounds like a fair trade""""
"
202601,"What did the martini say when someone put a toothpick in it? It hurts, but olive.
"
144564,"To any redditors who abuse, or have abused drugs... violence is not the answer.
"
104344,"A Disney joke not for the kids """"How many thingamabobs does Ariel have?"""" 20? """"Twenty-*one*. She got the last one when she wished for legs.""""
"
215407,"Movie was a real turkey! Could someone explain this joke to me it's driving me crazy! Libby: How was the movie? Brian: A real turkey. I could hardly sit through it the second time!
"
64903,"How can you tell a rich Swiss from a poor Swiss? The poor swiss washes his Mercedes by himself
"
111682,"[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband's body [widow] no [Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband's body
"
208498,"A kid got in trouble for masturbating in the coat room All he did was jacket
"
178121,"What do you do when you get into a fight with a group of clowns? Go for the juggler. This is my favorite joke that I have read on here.
"
205313,"A Baby Seal Walks Into A Club... I'll see myself out.
"
4605,"I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.
"
146528,"Just heard Kim Kardashian's new song. All I'm going to say is that, for as many black dudes as she bangs, I expected more.
"
168304,"Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? If it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan
"
170483,"don't you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV
"
171993,"What is the worst part of a prostate exam? Feeling the doctor's hands on your shoulders.
"
229380,"Why was the girl in such a bad mood when she got out of jail? She had a period at the end of her sentence.
"
148507,"My stalker sucks. She needs to try harder. I always have to keep going & finding her. It's like I'm following HER around. It's ridiculous.
"
122725,"A non sequiter walks into a bar 3
"
134825,"Friday is just Monday with tits.
"
141505,"waiter and customer Waiter, I am outraged. There is one hair in my soup. - And what do you expect for this price? A whole wig?!
"
203484,"A politician in an ancient civilization... He'll only just babble on.
"
226880,"My dad was always drunk when I was a kid The punchline? It was my mom, then my sister, then me
"
214459,"Dad: """"So what are you going to do after you graduate?"""" Me: """"well, mom said we'll probably go out somewhere to eat""""
"
57849,"finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
"
202003,"Did you hear about the fire at the Governor's mansion in Alabama? The whole trailer park burned down.
"
16492,"Trying to find an anagram for mobile piss' is impossible.
"
96822,"My iWatch says I masturbated for 6 miles today!!
"
216671,"The last time I wet the bed... ...I was pretty pissed.
"
176740,"1000 pounds of oranges. is a ton of oranges.
"
177393,"I can remember my first day at school The teacher looked at me during register and asked, """"Are you chewing?"""" I said, """"No, chewing is probably one of the foreign kids, my name is David.""""
"
56941,"About to go out and make some foreign dude's night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I'll be ordering.
"
160613,"i won 100 dollars worth of chips at the casino, all i had to do was throw a brick through the vending machine glass
"
114953,"What the only tag a Tumblr user can't have? A small Oops looks like I pissed off the fatties
"
24864,"I'm dating an x-ray technician... But I don't know what she sees in me.
"
84437,"Knock knock Who's there? Owls. Owls who? .................. Exactly!
"
231307,"Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don't have to make the delivery guy think he's being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
"
41054,"What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
"
73104,"(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we're making some people soup huh gang
"
132849,"What's the difference between a gay mustache and a straight mustache? The smell.
"
44297,"Did you hear about the gay turtle? Finally came out of it's shell.
"
21278,"What do you call a lesbian that turned straight A hasbien
"
181392,"A farmer was in a field with his cows, he counted 196 of them.... ..... but when he rounded them up he had 200.
"
173076,"Q: How many Executive Producers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Executive Producers don't screw in a light bulb they screw in a hot tub.
"
120302,"What's a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet
"
161519,"What has a bottom at its top? My life ( ._.)
"
82144,"I hate pitchers ...They always throw games
"
143538,"4 out of 5 urologists... ...smell their apple juice before they drink it.
"
46653,"A horse walked into a bar... After assessing the danger of the situation 5 men immediately left the bar.
"
149538,"What were the Kamikaze Pilot's last words? """"Watch this cause i'll only do it once.""""
"
116945,"ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts* WIFE: see what I mean? THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: """"she's nuts. This guy rules*
"
84757,"Studies show unprotected sex has over an 8 percent chance of causing Cancer. The same study found a near equal chance of causing Gemini or Sagittarius.
"
215360,"Watched a TV show about Stroke Survivors last night Needless to say it was a bit one sided
"
218948,"Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.
"
191674,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean.
"
129730,"I went for an interview at a black smiths.. The black smith asked """"have you ever shoed a horse before?"""" I replied """"no, but i told a donkey to fuck off""""
"
221101,"2 sheep are standing in a meadow... One turns to the other and says """"Baaa-aaa-aaa-aaaa"""". the other looks at him and says """"...I was just gonna say that.""""
"
227460,"I just got caught having sex in a church. Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her funeral was over.
"
35618,"I've discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it's inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
"
184936,"Have you heard of the American Philosophical Association? I'm not sure if it exists or not and neither are they.
"
175868,"Been in an accident? Know someone who's been in an accident? If not, call us & we'll come push you down the stairs or something.
"
101142,"Why are camels known as ships of the desert? ... Because they are full of Arab semen.
"
83917,"""""I'm not racist. I have several friends who are black... for Halloween. """"
"
12985,"Who is this Rorschach guy? And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
"
170157,"I tried to reason with the poop smudge in my toilet bowl. The whole thing was pointless, it just got pissed off anyway.
"
207572,"I used to be be indecisive.... ....now I'm not so sure.
"
46391,"Bon Jovi published a diet book It's called """"Living on a Pear""""
"
152390,"#BREAKING Oscar Pistorius has today made a plea for clemency ahead of his sentencing in April Mr Pistorius claims he is not the first bloke to come home legless and put a few loads into his missus.
"
158243,"What does the Illuminati smell like? New World Odor
"
115325,"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
"
15858,"What's the similarity between a mobile phone and a clitoris? Both turn on with the touch of a finger and every cunt's got one.
"
156394,"My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
"
84177,"https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K4rM4oj-u3A
"
28275,"How does Moses make tea He brews it..
"
89227,"What do you call 100 black people buried neck deep around a basketball hoop? Afroturf
"
185873,"I believe it was Benjamin Franklin who said: """"You have reached the end of you free trial membership at BenjaminFranklinQuotes.com.""""
"
133398,"You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
"
142781,"What's the most offensive jokes you guys have? What's the most offensive jokes you have ever hear
"
151934,"Knock Knock.... P2:Whos there? P1:A bonus P2:A bonus who? P1: A bonus something a dog likes to chew on
"
56093,"The US is waking up to news of Brexit 'Vote Leave' win... Bill Clinton leads 'BJ for Prime Minister' calls.
"
120125,"What did one crow say to the other? Caw dude?
"
136071,"[NSFW]Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Dad: Because his wife died.
"
143429,"Success is like a clitoris. I can't seem to find it.
"
16472,"Seminar topic at the annual vampire conference """"How to Deal with Stakeholders""""
"
227574,"How did Will Smith get caught for committing 1st degree murder? He left fresh prints all over the scene.
"
46148,"who is the most fun on a missing persons case? the search party animal!
"
177172,"What is the difference between a Poodle and a Pitbull? If the Pitbull starts humping your leg he gets to finish.
"
31075,"I tried to register under the username """"v1rg1nity""""... ...but it's already taken.
"
202662,"95% of pet ownership is just saying """"hello"""" to them in various tones.
"
30376,"Some of you have had some fabulous public meltdowns this year. From all of us, thank you x
"
198006,"ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much.. APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
"
223990,"ME: Hi I'd like to apply for a job as a contortionist """"When can you come in for an interview?"""" ME: I'm flexible
"
144271,"Mysterious file on desktop """"Poopin Babe.docx"""" dragged to trash without opening
"
159076,"Why aren't you doing very well in history? Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I  was born!
"
228292,"Why a pirate could not spell iris? He had only one 'i'
"
69105,"Why aren't there any Jewish gangsters? Because they don't """"come from the hood""""
"
19762,"""""I heard low winter sun is pretty good."""" - low winter sun from behind a bush trying to throw it's voice
"
107018,"What do Pink Floyd fans and NASCAR driver Kyle Larson have in common? They both love The Wall
"
117468,"Why do feminists dislike maths? There's an XY axis but no XX axis.
"
96814,"Fat Lady vs Old Maid What is the difference? One is trying to diet, the other is dying to try it!
"
183564,"Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
"
155538,"My wife is on a tropical food diet and the house if full of the stuff... It's enough to make a mango crazy.
"
59585,"My Dirty apartment..... Is so messy I cant even get in with out my discovery pass.
"
202471,"If I had to describe myself in one word... ...it would be """"bad at following directions.""""
"
80947,"that I like being lazy more...
"
186181,"We are the people our parents warned us about.
"
163082,"How many Buzzfeed writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 13\. Number 9 will shock you!
"
203698,"Have you seen my cat? I saw a poster today, somebody was asking """"Have you seen my cat?"""" So I called the number and said that I hadn't . I like to help where I can.
"
19138,"[spelling bee] Your word is 'impossible' """"Oh, well I guess no point in trying"""" *walks off stage*
"
84689,"Do you like tapes and CDs? Cuz I'm gonna tape my dick to your forehead, so you can see deez nuts.
"
224060,"How do Chinese people name their babies? Throw them down the stairs and see what sound they make.
"
111106,"What do you call Stephen Hawking rolling away from an explosion? Hot wheels (First joke, hope you like it.)
"
191771,"Have you ever noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are ones you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? There's such balance in nature!
"
70441,"The only thing grosser than finding a hair in your Velveeta cheese is knowing the ingredients inside Velveeta cheese & continuing to eat it.
"
149340,"The safe word is """"MMMBop.""""
"
19371,"My english teacher was a fan of CAPITAL punishment. She despised small letters
"
33400,"The Wife just asked if she looked OK in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance...
"
202964,"*catches 4yo putting on deodorant* Me: What are you doing? 4yo: Feeding my armpits. Me....as you were.
"
230542,"Why are suicide kits so hard to sell on Amazon? They never have positive reviews.
"
179423,"Why is it illegal for a man living in North Carolina to be buried in South Carolina? Because he's alive.
"
34301,"Best part of banging a milf What's the best part of having sex with a milf? Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!
"
182258,"I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
"
184923,"What kind of exercises do lazy people do? Diddly-squats
"
93654,"I saw an advert for a 1 TV. It said """"The volume is stuck on full."""" Well, I can't turn that down, can I?
"
133864,"I crashed into a dwarf at some traffic lights He got out of his car and said """"I'm not happy."""" I replied, """"Well, which one are you then?""""
"
215920,"A mobster walks into a bar, but then he turns around and walks out. Because he realized it was a set-up.
"
156544,"What do Anna Nicole Smith and Tom Brady have in common? They both like saggy balls.
"
166098,"How does a witch make scrambled eggs ? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with  fright ! 'Owl be seeing you later.'
"
43642,"A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are through the roof.
"
54081,"What's the difference between Trump and a pile of poop? A pile of poop is naturally brown.
"
136361,"How do you keep a man in suspense?
"
195898,"What people travel the most?  Romans.
"
172160,"Jewelry in my family gets passed down from generation to generation. My tongue ring used to be my grandmother's clit ring.
"
124285,"One good thing has come from the Ebola virus The white nations might have a chance of winning a marathon next Olympics.
"
109418,"What do you call shooting yourself in the face with jiz? Homo-cide
"
33619,"If you wear a ship's captain's hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
"
135160,"I compulsively open my refrigerator in hopes that the portal to the other world has opened up. It hasn't so I had some cheese.
"
106775,"*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
"
153119,"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked
"
146987,"When I was child we had to look things up in dictionary or encyclopedia, uphill both ways in the snow
"
208123,"The Inuits don't deal with your crap, because they're having Nunavut.
"
7501,"What do you call a fish without any eyes? Boneless chicken
"
42133,"[Having a problem with my iPhone] Me: *texting myself* Test Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
"
20376,"I went to go smoke a joint with some Mexicans. When I asked if they had any papers they all ran.
"
137424,"I heard they put a supermarket behind Bilbo's hobbit hole... Unexpected item in baggins area.
"
73170,"It's afro-carribean day at work tomorrow. I'm dreading it.
"
167164,"I think my new idea for DIY orthodontics is going to take the world by storm. brace yourself
"
87298,"Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work.
"
178886,"So I was walking home from work.... And I saw this black guy carrying a tv and I thought it was mine but then I ran home and mine was still there shining my shoes.
"
120194,"Guys.... Women aren't hard..... And if they are... They aren't Women.
"
221966,"What medicine do men take when their privates start hurting? Penis-illin'
"
121073,"Don't call Donald Trump a cunt. He lacks the warmth and depth.
"
4958,"I've just received my 14th Christmas card from the Alzheimer's Society.
"
222251,"What is the bravest organ? The *gall*-bladder.
"
38833,"""So we don't get to open any presents today?"""" Me, """"No."""" 5, """"So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?""""
"
170691,"Why was the baby ant confused? Because all of it's Uncles were Aunts(Ants)
"
48240,"If an Islamic man is murdered, what do you call it? A Muhommid-cide.
"
79091,"Why do girls have legs? ...ever seen the trail a slug leaves?
"
25862,"What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas? He went to the Shell station.
"
12957,"Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off.
"
9882,"I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he's at work, but I can't decide what outfit to put on the cat.
"
58747,"""""You're stepping on all the cracks, but you don't have to worry about it because your mother's dead"""" - my seven-year-old to me this morning
"
24836,"Have you heard of the new movie """"constipation""""? It hasn't came out yet
"
158701,"Feminist I don't understand why women want to be equal when they could be better. That shows a lack of ambition to me. Which is why men are better.
"
37136,"1. Get preg 2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using Satanic alchemy 3. Give birth to yourself 4. Old body dies 5. Be a baby
"
181694,"A mexican walks into a wall, what breaks first? His lawnmower. A jew runs into a wall, what breaks first? His nose.
"
177914,"What's small, round, and blue? A cranberry holding its breath.
"
18292,"I'd like to give a shout out to those people born in 1932 who are celebrating their 21st birthday today!
"
125014,"""""Paper or pl.."""" ..astic! OMG we finish each other's sentences! You complete mmmm... """"I'm not saying 'me'"""" ME! OMG we did it again! """"...""""
"
50303,"They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
"
145324,"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of its silent """"p""""
"
99257,"Obama: Dave, it's Barack, we have an updog situation at the white house. Cameron: What's updog? *Obama high fives entire oval Office*
"
223447,"What do you call a competition between two assholes who like to masturbate A jerk off!
"
73278,"Did you know... Did you know that Stevie Wonder has been paying child support for kids he's never seen?
"
101158,"God wouldn't have made children so short if he didn't want you to fart in their faces.
"
73718,"Before my grandma kicked the bucket, he said one thing to me """"How far do you think I can kick this bucket?""""
"
7963,"You know what they say: Finding the right analogy is has hard as hmm...
"
166710,"Everybody always says say """"No!"""" to drugs, but I'm thinking that if you're talking to drugs, it's too late
"
60143,"My friends call me Superman, not because I help people, its because I wear the same clothes everyday
"
223435,"""""Don't believe everything you read"""" is the best motto I've ever read. But I'm not sure if I should believe it or not. I'm so confused now.
"
77408,"TIFU by walking into the class of the wrong substitute teacher Whoops, wrong sub.
"
136667,"Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that """"La"""" deserved a better identity than """"a note to follow So""""
"
219007,"Why are men smarter during sex? Because they are plugged into a fucking know-it-all.
"
98073,"squirrel making love A squirrel was making love with a nut. another one passing by is shocked: are you fucking crazy? the first one: no stupid, I'm fucking nuts.
"
174814,"What do you call the celebration that comes the day after Ramadan? Rama-done
"
12708,"[commercial for soup] Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it? NARRATOR: SOUP
"
78215,"What do you call a Mexican midget? A paragraph... Because he's not a full essay
"
217347,"My body looks up and it begs me, """"Eat a vegetable,"""" and I look down and I whisper, """"No""""
"
118593,"The yard. Son: Dad! Dad: What is it son? Son: Boys are gathering into our yard! Dad: ...How many boys? Son: All of them... Dad: MY MILKSHAKES!
"
103972,"How can you tell a clock is hungry? It goes back four seconds
"
196745,"An Andrew Dice Clay-esqe bit There was an Old Lady who swallowed a fly. She made $50.
"
43316,"What does John F. Kennedy have in common with the current Democratic Party? No brains
"
227343,"My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
"
109954,"why are terrorists so popular at parties? Because They're the bomb
"
181295,"Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
"
221072,"My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her. According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)
"
111706,"Why was 6 happy to see 7? Because 7 ate 9.
"
34653,"Women only call me ugly, until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor.
"
59327,"The poor sentence got hurt while riding his bike... He got his dangling modifier stuck in the chain.
"
4826,"My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help. Today I stand corrected.
"
43495,"What is a Mathematician specializing in absolute numbers called? A Sith.
"
80639,"Two Blondes Two blondes meet up for coffee and one asks the other what she has been upto; """"I had sex with two Brazilian guys last night"""" """"Wow - I've never even met that many guys"""" replied the other
"
62595,"Why did the painting go to jail? It was framed.
"
199975,"Have you heard the me neither joke? Me neither.
"
191779,"Donald Trump pushes Jimmy Fallon off a cliff.... Jimmy fallon proceeds to open his mouth and yell """"I'm Fallon son!""""
"
10614,"Think About It... What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
"
226260,"Alphabet Soup I ate 4 bowls of delicious alphabet soup. After that I had a massive vowel movement.
"
38477,"Why are they called dive bars? Because they have pool
"
105141,"What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
"
218478,"A club walks into a seal.
"
14847,"American Beer is liking having sex in a canoe... It's fucking close to water. Heard this from a Dutch friend of mine and thought I would share.
"
85712,"Why should honeymoons only last six days? Because seven days makes a hole weak.
"
166513,"What do you call two pencils fighting? A grafight.
"
209857,"I always keep a picture of my wife and children in my wallet. It reminds me why there's no money in there.
"
155052,"A 3-year old boy A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied.
"
102865,"There are 10 types of people in this world... Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
"
210877,"What literary devices do butchers use? Meataphors.
"
142258,"What has 3 legs and 3 eyes? Three pirates
"
53572,"Sometimes I get down on my knees and pray for a pigeon to fly directly into my mouth
"
175177,"What type of writing makes the most money? Ransom notes.
"
180226,"So a woman asked me how I view lesbianism the other day... Apparently """"in HD"""" was not an acceptable answer.
"
161956,"The only standards I have in life are about the quality of alcohol I consume, and even that gets sketchy after about 5 drinks.
"
132677,"Knock knock! Who's there? Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton who? ...Who's asking?
"
76513,"What do you call an economics lecturer? Prof. it
"
209348,"How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist
"
136648,"Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute? Ya gotta hand it to her...
"
36209,"Live today like it's your last. Pay your bills and wear a condom just in case it isn't.
"
40123,"Ever hear about the lost Vikings? Ask the Seahawks.
"
50061,"Apparently, """"I had an interview with a better company"""" is not an acceptable reason for being late for work.
"
99537,"Why was the snowman infertile? He had snow balls
"
6230,"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
"
144413,"Where's the best place to store ice cream cones? Conetainers
"
51039,"What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Beat the fuck out of her so it doesn't happen again.
"
191403,"(Business) Mike: It's a sled. I call it the Mikesled. Bob: I have a better idea.
"
43887,"Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was a repost.
"
136322,"What did the unimpressed wind turbine say? I'm not a fan.
"
49680,"I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I'll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I'd do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.
"
217941,"Why doesn't Superman watch Game of thrones? Because he has a LED-TV.
"
163724,"[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl] Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
"
46269,"What does a Mexican have in common with a cue ball? The harder you hit em' the more English you get outta em'!
"
214068,"I went to the bar with my 21 year old girlfriend... They called me a pedophile because I was 42. That totally ruined our 10 year anniversary.
"
209298,"""""Write this down."""" [Moses grabs tablet] """"Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?""""
"
136813,"What has six eyes but can't see? Three blind mice.
"
63673,"Why did the bait-shop owner take an apprentice ? He wanted to be a master-baiter.
"
57830,"JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this. *stings person* FRIEND: That wasn't dis... JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
"
27235,"There are two types of countries in the world.... Those who use the metric system, and those who have a successful space program.
"
124758,"All I've learned from reading Yelp reviews is that everyone's a tiny little tyrant who thinks they're the most important person in the world
"
152279,"A procrastinator's work is never done.
"
128233,"[having heart attack] HELP...CAN'T...MOVE ME: Dude, are you ok?! [faintly] CALL...ME...A...DOCTOR ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
"
156106,"You can't fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
"
105399,"My brother David had his ID stolen Now he's just Dav
"
24969,"Bikes a bike cannot stand on its own because it is two tired.
"
130097,"You know how you play Iranian bingo? A-10, B-52, F-22, C-130
"
138677,"Are you frome Tennessee? Because you're a bitch.
"
88146,"""""WE WANT EQUAL RIGHTS! WE WANT EQUAL RIGHTS! ... HEY! YOU CAN'T HIT ME. I'M A GIRL!""""
"
114676,"I'm gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer's
"
51892,"A cat goes to the vet with a septic infection. Hello Pus, said the vet.
"
128363,"Today, I walked into a restaurant. """"Hi, is my table ready?"""" """"No, not yet sir. Do you mind waiting?"""" """"No, that's okay."""" """"Great, take these salads to table six then.""""
"
106465,"I have a good gay joke so good it will make your hole weak.
"
54118,"Your first mistake was wearing heels in this dodgeball tournament, Jason. The second was thinking that they went with that dress.
"
92695,"I found The Theory Of Everything It was in the blu-ray box at Walmart.
"
95267,"On his 22nd birthday, my brother came out as a transvestite to our family and celebrated by wearing a miniskirt... ...that shows a lot of balls.
"
163675,"Why did the cat fall into the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
"
206625,"What do u call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto
"
203292,"Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she's a victim of Rachel profiling.
"
208000,"Anyone else think they should limit Oscar acceptance speeches to 140 characters like Twitter?
"
58983,"We need to keep kids off drugs. It's hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
"
126690,"What do you call a Mexican Gummy Bear? Delici**OSO**!
"
120011,"All those political ads are very convincing. They convinced me to stop watching television.
"
112915,"Thesaurus Club First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club.
"
124054,"Grandma used to say """"Respect yourself & others will too,"""" but she also used to say """"Damn N*ggers,"""" so I don't know what to believe :(
"
135157,"Two cannibals eating a clown. One of them says to the other: does this taste funny to you?
"
133938,"I like my woman like a I like a flight * Easy to find online * Baggage free * Willing to serve hot food
"
169621,"Saint West, the patron of selfies
"
23903,"What did the rabbit say to the deer? What up doe
"
203906,"A woman, two Hispanics, a black guy, and a white guy all walk into a bar... They then run for the Republican nomination for President
"
176113,"You guys wanna hear a dirty story..... A horse fell in the mud.
"
57077,"Dont like dogs They can be a bit RUFF!
"
104147,"I almost took part in a gangrape with some friends Good thing I'm faster than them
"
21044,"You know what a satisfied woman sounds like? I didn't think so.
"
110519,"What do refugees drink? Foreignade.
"
21165,"Jokes on you redditor If you are reading this... you proved it.
"
85241,"Riverbed My daughter asked me the other day if the riverbed had a """"pillow""""
"
73634,"Are we heading in the right direction, Yoda? - """"Off-course we are""""
"
90895,"I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
"
118969,"What do you call a nutritionist who sidelines as an automotive journalist? A carb-o-rater
"
55165,"How did the man get the woman into the pool club? He snooker in!
"
209850,"What's green and flies over Germany ? Snazis. This insanely corny joke brought to you by my Dad, circa 1990. May he rest in peace!
"
227800,"It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.
"
119670,"I shoot cans... Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, and Africans.
"
203600,"WE'RE HERE. WE'RE QUEER. YOU'RE THE MAILMAN. I'M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I'LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.
"
58783,"Did you see that crazy news story on the internet? Of course. You reddit
"
71934,"Hilary clinton joke Friend:What are you going to the party as Me:Hilary Friend:why Me:Aren't you supposed to be something scary Friend: ;-;
"
143338,"R/Jokes is like my elbow. I don't come here often.
"
226447,"What is the difference between chicken and blondes ? The chicken knows on whose eggs sitting .
"
92947,"A Roman guy walks into a bar, raises two fingers, and says... """"I'll take five beers.""""
"
96900,"My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.
"
60487,"Experience is a cruel teacher. It gives a test before presenting the lesson.
"
36569,"How do you find Will Smith when he's lost in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
"
155974,"I went to a pet shop to buy a goldfish today... The worker asked if I'd like an aquarium, but I told him """"I don't care what starsign it is.""""
"
211314,"Mass suicide cult leaders are a dying breed
"
124350,"How does Davy Crockett like his pie? Alamo'd
"
174023,"what's your favorite part of Sundays, mine is staying up really late for no reason whatsoever so that I'm extra miserable all week
"
201381,"When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ? When they had lots of sleepless knights !
"
150275,"""""I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty"""" It's fall?? """"Ya, so what?"""" [leaves start attacking everyone] OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
"
21092,"Use chemicals to wipe polish and no one bats an eye.. But use chemicals to wipe the Polish and everybody starts to lose their shit.
"
16174,"I have a heroine addiction... ...because I can only sleep with a girl if she has saved somebody's life.
"
108969,"[Friend opens Christmas present] Me: It's a lie detector Friend: Oh... I love it Me: (whispering) we'll see
"
159096,"It's the anniversary of the Titanic sinking. Fortunately, we've made sure that would never happen today by melting all the icebergs.
"
85315,"I like my coffee like I like my women Full of my own semen.
"
183935,"What kind of bee makes milk Boo-Bee
"
4518,"If you die in the shower when you're shampooing do the police have to finish rinsing when they find you or is that the ME's job. Is it a job
"
198463,"My girlfriend asked me: """"If you won the lottery, would you still love me?"""" And I answered: """"Of course! I'd miss you, but I still love you""""
"
3745,"Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
"
121809,"If you don't get this joke... ...then you should probably get your hearing checked.
"
22828,"My phone autocorrected """"killed"""" to """"kilt""""... Well plaid, phone... Well plaid.
"
127561,"What kind of chemical bond is Hispanic? An Ester Bond
"
38672,"If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
"
129321,"A guy has sex with Sarah Mclachlan... A guy has sex with Sarah Mclachlan. After hearing about this, his friend says """"So, what was it like to be in the arms of an angel?""""
"
188259,"the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like """"sure what the hell"""" and grabbed a couple pieces
"
112675,"What does a Mexican say when a house falls on them. Get off me homes.
"
109219,"There are 10 types of people in this world... ... Those who know binary and those who dont
"
131888,"What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss Muffet have in common? Both had Kurds in their way.
"
38469,"What did the mexican say when a development fell on him? yo get off me, homes!
"
10640,"Why don't Germans play games with new players? Because they don't want to wreck Danubes.
"
208038,"Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
"
51857,"Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page. How the tables have turned Kate.
"
185636,"why did the scarecrow get a promotion? he was outstanding in his field
"
130492,"[parole hearing] OFFICER: are u reformed? ME: I O: go on M: I th O: tell us M: I'm O: yes M: can I finish my sentence O: ok parole denied
"
91483,"I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
"
66108,"Capital letters. It's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
"
43520,"What do dyslexic soldiers get after war? PDTS
"
45437,"I think that an XBox is the closest thing to a """"box"""" that most gamers have ever seen. Clever branding Microsoft.
"
53523,"Why aren't there any Jewish Jedis? Because they lose their Force skins :D
"
99857,"What's the difference between Jelly and Jam? I can't jelly my cock up your ass
"
199080,"Man boobs, man perm, man purse. If you have to identify something by saying the gender, it probably shouldn't exist. Sorry if this is a bad joke I just got bored watching the WNBA.
"
204374,"How to emberass an acrchaeologist? How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
"
3898,"what did Obama say to Trump? show me your schlong form birth certificate
"
21901,"I shoot skeet for fun. Skeet, however, gets pretty pissed when I do.
"
37294,"What's the difference between your mom and wine? With age, wine doesn't suck anymore.
"
2934,"""""Sorry I didn't reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off... Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!""""
"
19061,"A donkey walked 12 miles.. but when measured the front leg walked 12 miles but the back legs walked only 10 miles Its because he was walking in a circle
"
49945,"If a quiz is quizicle, what's a test?
"
142521,"Your momma's so fat....she tried to upload a selfie to the Internet and got an error """"Not Enough Storage Space""""
"
52468,"What's the coolest answer to a multi-choice question? B)
"
38448,"I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.
"
189482,"Change the last word of your favorite movie title to """"Impregnator"""" e.g. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's **Impregnator** Transformers, Revenge of the **Impregnator**
"
63384,"Life is like a box of chocolates It really sucks if you have diabetes
"
65462,"What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone? Popular
"
122090,"Got late on my first day at work, blamed it on Rush Hour. Got late on the 2nd day, Blamed it on Rush Hour 2
"
3478,"If you receive an e-mail that says: ''FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS'' Don't open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
"
191181,"A Hippopotamus wanted to go to College to become a Neurologist... ...but he couldn't find the Hippocampus.
"
107215,"It's weird how all the UFOs started disappearing once our cameras got better.
"
103798,"As soon as the inauguration is over, I'm getting a position on Trump's ethics committee. I'm not political, I just need some quite time alone.
"
219518,"Daddy Are you my son?
"
15547,"I never miss my girlfriend... I can hit her every time.
"
10827,"This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: """"Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.""""
"
105920,"A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she'd just gone to the toilet and now she's back and she hates me.
"
95257,"""""I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but..."""" People who are found buried in the woods
"
130049,"Why was the tallest man in the world troubled? Because he had no one to look up to.
"
136995,"I probably shouldn't boast, but, no matter what city I'm in, the banner ads say the same three hot chicks are dying to meet me.
"
93365,"Why does the Easter Bunny hide the eggs? Because he doesn't want anybody to know that he's been fucking chickens!
"
96329,"Tuesday, aka Monday 2.0
"
46564,"You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like? [cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives] Your survival instincts take over
"
51943,"What's Donald Trump's favorite drink? A white Russian.
"
157530," I'm a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I'm Wanted / dead and alive! - Bon Schroedi
"
61716,"What did the math major say to himself when he discovered that he was no longer a sapling? Gee, I'm a tree.
"
94591,"What do you call a cow who argues with her husband? A bullfighter!
"
91516,"So I called an Indian restaurant They didn't take my reservation.
"
164960,"I like my coffee, like I like my women... I don't like women.
"
138880,"You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That's what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
"
120174,"People talk about the environment like the Earth's in danger. Don't worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
"
64271,"What do you call a group of white people sitting on the bench? A basketball team.
"
132615,"I entered a contest to see how fast I could eat a clock. I didn't win. The whole ordeal was very time consuming.
"
197562,"Why do we feel like whistleblowers right now? Because we're Snowedin.
"
12795,"I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
"
158847,"-40 outside sounds brutally cold, Fahrenheit or Celsius. My friend Kelvin just rolled his eyes.
"
38913,"What's the main ingredient in a Jedi martini? Qui-Gon Gin
"
157729,"What is a tampon's favorite food? Scrambled egg
"
214945,"Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car? Because she was a woman!
"
60710,"Religion That is all
"
226765,"I've stood up for black people plenty of times... Not worth getting shot over a seat on the subway.
"
14168,"Don't give your heart to someone unless you're 100% certain that you're dead.
"
98409,"Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you'll never forget.....
"
122753,"A ghost walks into a bar. The bartender says """"I feel cold."""" The ghost lingers for years. The bartender grows despondent, lost.
"
216111,"Did you hear about the earthquake? There was a fault in Washington. It was Obama's!
"
138536,"What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking.
"
120653,"A kid with A.D.D. walks in late for class... Look a squirrel!
"
25051,"Take an icecube to the bar, smash it and say: """"Now that I've broken the ice, will you sleep with me?""""
"
182959,"Studies show [NSFW] Studies show 9/10 people enjoy gang rape
"
147263,"Eng: you should wear the leather's jacket... Espan: ponte la chamarra de cuerro... Eng: so Leather died of the cold... Espan: y Cuerro murio de frio.
"
28637,"I've always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
"
118738,"How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
"
3206,"""""I will love you forever or until I cum""""  MEN
"
228040,"Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a 6 offender.
"
173575,"When a traffic light is out of service you should just treat the intersection as a post-apocalyptic demolition derby.
"
51827,"Me: let's go vegetarian Husband: can we still eat eggs M: of course H: fish? M: obviously H: bacon on special occas- M: we'd be crazy not to
"
79519,"The old lady at the bank An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.
"
33762,"To be honest, I really don't give a f*ck. I lose friends, make friends and make enemies everyday. Regardless, I'm still going to be me...
"
152213,"Mayweather gets in a street fight... Wins by decision
"
231559,"You can make jokes about anything, just not mexicans That's crossing the border!
"
23196,"Jesus walks into a bar, puts three nails on the counter, and says to the barkeep ... """"Hey, could you put me up for the night?""""
"
144954,"How many dead babies does it take to fill up my house? One more.
"
7300,"I need to get something off my chest... It's called breast cancer. I'm so sorry.
"
207241,"I'm celebrating international women's day by not having my wife make me a sandwich today. I'm going to Subway and having Rachel make it instead.
"
213795,"""""Have a seat"""" *Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.* """"Dad I..."""" **Dad puts up hand* """"Please don't call me that.""""
"
63093,"Who'll handle the Guantanamo closing? Same guys who did Circuit City?
"
206493,"Two bats are hanging on the branch... -What was your worst day? -When I had diarrhea.
"
211392,"A cliff in the desert A man told his son to jump off a cliff in the desert. Don't worry, it was Sahara - chasm.
"
94165,"I woke up with a horse's head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse's body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
"
3400,"History is his-story, rambled the tumblrina... where are the records of the deeds of women? that is a miss-story
"
149788,"What if that light at the end of the tunnel you see when you die is just you being born from another vagina?
"
1706,"Microsoft just announced they are changing the name of Xbox's Premier Multiplayer Service from Xbox Live to Xbox Dead...
"
97783,"A Good Marriage I once gave my husband the silent treatment for an entire week, at the end of which he declared, """"Hey, we're getting along pretty great lately!""""
"
63915,"Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It's basically everywhere now.
"
24260,"Who came after Augustus? Septembrus
"
216141,"I'm taking a stand. If the stand owners come looking for it, you guys saw nothing.
"
73893,"Did you here Ram Dass is getting a sex change? He decided to Be Her Now
"
221989,"Why is 77 better than 69? You get ate more.
"
37747,"Know how much a pirate pays for corn? Bucaneer
"
90576,"Every time i hear a mean joke about canadians, i go to the hospital right away and get my feelings checked. ...For free...
"
161144,"I'm really into Chomsky, Noam sayin'?
"
117121,"Here is a really bad joke feminism
"
101253,"Do you know why the USSR fell nearly overnight? Because they stopped Stalin and were Russian!
"
73879,"I'm having a 'Two Girls One Cup' kinda day and I'm the cup.
"
177374,"I'm not stalking you. I'm trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
"
176937,"There was an explosion at a French cheese factory De brie everywhere.
"
206644,"American Apparel has really cornered the market on the modern, independent date rape victim.
"
205281,"Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.
"
121203,"Made this up at lunch So a man robs a bank with a condom on his head. He then yells: """"This is a Stick-Up!""""
"
141332,"Did you hear about the bacterial outbreak in the office? They said it was a staff infection.
"
82416,"Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she's channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.
"
34655,"Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car. Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
"
82478,"What's the difference between a Mexican joke and a black joke? Once you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal
"
214982,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Anna ! Anna who ? Annather brick in the wall !
"
74199,"Donald trump isn't a wight supremacist... he IS an orange supremasist
"
125388,"Q: How many letters 'T' are in Indiana Jones? A: 17. Ta-ta-tat'-taaa ta-ta-taa Ta-ta-tat'-taaa ta-taa-taa-taaa!
"
135476,"If you're a vegan w a gluten allergy who doesn't own a TV do you put it on a business card or just wait to force it into every conversation?
"
49425,"How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck chuck could chuck wood? None because only beavers give a dam.
"
167373,"I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
"
33493,"Who was the first carpenter ever? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.
"
164809,"Underage girl, sucking on daddy's cock, gets jizzed on all over he......... Oh I'm sorry, I thought this was a google image search.
"
7640,"I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
"
50653,"Oh baby, were not going to need a 'do not disturb' sign. We're going to need a 'please don't call the police were fine' sign.
"
84697,"I had a lovely threesome with my girl friend and her twin He is a lovely chap
"
139120,"What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian? A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.
"
113831,"What's the difference between Jesus and a hooker? Jesus wants to get fucked for free.
"
212270,"*man lies on death bed* But it can't be my time. I have...so much more...constructive criticism to give...
"
167798,"Me: Did you use my highlighter? 2-year-old: Me: 2: Me: 2: No. Apparently she's always been neon yellow.
"
223344,"Why didnt Jesus become a boxer? Crosses killed him.
"
106028,"My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
"
98191,"In Canada, every board game is called """"Sorry!""""
"
8369,"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate his soup before it was cool
"
199571,"In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
"
19547,"Why do short people laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls.
"
756,"Sorry I pissed on the walls of your bathroom, but the flowery wall paper made me think I was outside.. Also you're out of Valium
"
99152,"They say milk is good for your teeth. You know what else is good for your teeth? Minding your own damn business.
"
168177,"Traffic Two civil engineers were competing for a bid to do the road layout for a city. The engineer that lost accused the other of cheating, to which the winner said """"Roundabouts are fair play"""".
"
132235,"Knock knock. Who's there? Beats. Beats who? Beats me.
"
181331,"How did the violinist learn to play violin? He just started fiddling with it.
"
160950,"What is a pirates favorite firework? M80
"
22007,"Life is going pretty good for me lately I guess. I just got a booty call last night. It was from life. Apparently it still wants to fuck me.
"
207115,"I was so close to a threesome last night Only fell 2 people short
"
40024,"Today my boss fondled my genitals! Being self-employed is great.
"
96564,"What did the sushi say to the bee? Wassabee?!?!
"
65503,"I tried looking for cover versions of Milli Vanilli songs but it turned out that they weren't the original ones.
"
11454,"What has 100 legs and sixteen teeth? The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
"
104613,"Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
"
210491,"If I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
"
213730,"John Travolta and Nicolas Cage walk into a bar... The barman says, """"Why the wrong face?""""
"
24166,"What is the national sport of North Korea? Ping-Pyong-yang
"
85634,"So Boxing Day, its a magical time of year, when companies send you amazing emails with pictures of all the stuff you just brought from them, at half price.
"
153557,"What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror? Haloumi!
"
104214,"I met this guy named Times New Roman... But he just wasn't my type.
"
224338,"What's the difference between Jesus and his portrait ? His portrait only need one nail
"
179572,"I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley Thanks to months of therapy, I'm finally battling my Damons.
"
40030,"What do you call Jewish folk from New Jersey? Orange juice.
"
137095,"What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? A gun actually does something when it's triggered.
"
83421,"Every single morning I get hit by the same bike... It's a vicious cycle.
"
141387,"My calculus professor recently divorced his wife .. .. one day he simply told her """"I'm making a you substitution"""".
"
95784,"What did the cake say to the fat kid I am nutritious
"
206377,"Did you hear the one about Dorian Gray's stool sample? That shit NEVER gets old.
"
111667,"Where does a dog get a new tail? At the Retail Store
"
109207,"Call of Duty is like the Boy Scouts, everyone's gay, and there's a lot of camping.
"
202954,"[OC] Pun Joke (You might have to say this out loud) What did one smell say to the odor? """"You stink at telling jokes.""""
"
170301,"""""I wasn't that drunk!"""" """"Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story.""""
"
48421,"Do you know why you should never program a women class? Because women aren't objects.
"
15707,"There once was a man from Nantucket... Whose dick was so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, As he wiped off his chin: """"If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.""""
"
29885,"Why do melons always have well planned weddings ? They can'telope !
"
161546,"Brexit, for France AdiEU
"
9870,"Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
"
58701,"Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
"
61158,"Today I bought some shoes from my local drug dealler.. I don't know what they're laced with, but I've been tripping all day
"
42872,"Why do blacks smell? So blind people can hate them too.
"
103239,"4yo has repeated one word for an hour. 6yo is ninja fighting his imaginary friend. My move to a mental asylum will be an easy transition.
"
184072,"Did you hear the joke about Ebola? ...well you're probably not going to get it.
"
205472,"What is the handicap parking like at the special olympics.
"
16589,"I like my women like i like my cake mixes... ultra moist whites
"
218110,"I would like to go to Holland Wooden shoe
"
75612,"Soviet Valentine's Day You are the hammer to my sickle.
"
118886,"How did the dad know that his daughter is on her period? His dick is covered in blood.
"
18904,"Making an effort in 2013 to cut away distractions so I can spend more time with my iPhone.
"
117694,"What kind of cat should you take into the  desert ? A first aid kitty !
"
69356,"I heard Oscar Pistorius had a hard time finding a lawyer for his murder trial... they kept saying he didn't have a leg to stand on.
"
75895,"Why did Chris Benoit quit wrestling? He wanted to hang with his family. 
"
84190,"Marriage is a three ring circus:  - Engagement ring wedding ring suffering.
"
159784,"Beth on Facebook """"Can't believe its Monday again already""""... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
"
219179,"You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
"
175651,"Is it okay to joke about suicide? Or is it too much of a nooseance...
"
216554,"I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don't know if they're showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
"
201436,"How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb? One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it?!
"
74594,"How does Bob Marley like his doughnut? w' jammin it
"
81672,"Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher. One hour later she was dead. So today I'll be watching Home Alone 2.
"
85843,"My Dad's cat had a hernia operation The cat was laying there next to next to me and I asked """" What did they sew you up with?"""" My Dad laughing so hard - as he said """"That's not funny!"""" [Cat Gut]
"
197449,"Cheers to the freakin weekend *lays in bed for 2 days straight*
"
168238,"What did Jared say when the girl asked him for a footlong? That he only has a 6 inch.
"
83022,"What do you call a boxer with an upset stomach? Gaseous Clay
"
120273,"What do you call a man who inherits a dairy? A Dairy Heir.
"
125528,"Do you know any bird that can write? Pen-guine.
"
22339,"Why did Kim Jong-il die a week before December 25th? Because Rudolph is the only deer leader at Christmas.
"
214816,"What do you call a retired professional swimmer? Washed up.
"
59621,"I just flushed a stink bug down the toilet along with the dump. Who's the stink bug now, Bitch?
"
16476,"What did the gynaecologist say to the vagina that grabbed his sandwich? Don't, Snatch.
"
222710,"I don't know why they call it lubricant... More like lubri*can*
"
228535,"So he says, """"Argh! Give me yer booties!"""" & he steals all the baby booties. ... There's an audience for Baby Blackbeard & I'LL FIND IT.
"
12565,"Don't you hate when someone has a great tweet idea, but they TOTALLY fuck up the wording, and it's you?
"
89385,"What do you get when you cross a railroad with a refrigerator? Killed.
"
56583,"How much cocaine is 2 much? Do u think security will view me ridding the elevator from the 1st to 2nd floor for the past 3hrs suspicious??
"
188151,"I met a guy yesterday who told me he worked as a limb stretcher. Turns out the bastard was pulling my leg.
"
4975,"Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed razor blade? She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
"
33610,"What is the fastest speed a woman can go ? 68, because when she turns 69 she blows a rod.
"
38722,"I don't trust left handed people. there is something not right about them.
"
1798,"There's a German shepherd next door who keeps burying under my fence and shitting in the flower bed His dog is just as bad
"
95679,"Fizzy drinks are Soda-sgusting *bad dum tiss*
"
177009,"Did you hear about the time all GPS systems became self-aware? Things were taking unexpected turns.
"
207368,"A man is walking around a costume party dressed in green with a woman on his shoulder When asked what he was he said he was a tortoise. Then when asked about the woman he replied """"she's Michelle"""".
"
100334,"The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial. #1PUN
"
170311,"Just got seen around town doing modern guy stuff like leaning on things, holding my phone & staring disapprovingly at nothing in particular.
"
59650,"gardening i spent alot of my days trying to grow a specific seasoning in my garden. it took forever, but once it finally produced, i had the thyme of my life.
"
73410,"What if condoms had temporary tattoos on the inside like you rolled off the condom and there was a picture of a dinosaur on your dick.
"
97230,"I tried to make a tiny blueberry pie But it ended up being a little tart.
"
225567,"Which computer sings the best? A Dell
"
130348,"Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
"
54647,"Last year I took a visual design class... ...and our final exam was to design a fireworks display. I passed with flying colors.
"
220109,"An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
"
222026,"I should've been a child star so I could've gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now.
"
148519,"Pickpocketing rates are so high in Barcelona, after browsing Street View my PayPal account got emptied.
"
94152,"Hitler was bad. He is going to Heil. get it? heil?
"
185689,"Remember they're just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
"
134316,"What does a radical sheep say? Allahu Ak-Baa!
"
126929,"You know what my grandfather said right before he kicked the bucket? """"Hey, watch how far I can kick this bucket!""""
"
160708,"Oscar Pistorius really wanted a new bathroom door but his girlfriend was dead against it.
"
38141,"Confucius say if someone call you idiot it better you keep quiet, than open mouth and remove all doubt
"
198797,"One Night Stand This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!
"
150141,"Why did Jim Morrison cross the road? To break on through to the other side! Credit goes to [Savage Chickens.](http://www.savagechickens.com/2005/03/door-number-one.html)
"
86727,"Why do refugees in Germany smell like shit? Because they're too scared to go in the showers.
"
72241,"The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone's living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
"
89021,"If you ever get caught sleeping on the job... slowly raise your head and say, """"In Jesus name, amen,""""
"
157943,"I hate to admit it but my views on life in the arctic are very polarised.
"
198273,"I used to have a job involving crushing cans....... It was soda pressing!
"
97206,"Why is it OK to wash an American flag in hot water? Because these colors don't run.
"
13114,"want to hear my limousine joke na its too long
"
52734,"""""I'm gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I'm gonna make you real sad."""" - gas station nachos
"
208120,"drity Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
"
201438,"I'm thinking about opening a veterinary clinic for female dogs with broken legs. Gonna call it """"Bitches Be Trippin""""
"
57935,"Why did the banana go out with the prune?  Because he couldn't find a date.
"
15143,"I went to band camp and all I got was... This shirt that said: I'll Allegro your vibrato!
"
199579,"People who do anal... (NSFW-ish) People who do anal are fucking assholes.
"
156910,"Knock Knock * Knock Knock * Who's there? * I say to mart * I say to mart who? * I say tomato, let's call the whole thing off
"
213578,"How do you circumcise a redneck? You kick his sister in the jaw.
"
168317,"A man walks into a library and asks for a book on different levels of noise. The librarian says, """"Sure, what Volume would you like?""""
"
117242,"Why are white prisoners so scary? Because you know they did it.
"
159689,"2015: This is our son, Aiden. 2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
"
225483,"How are AIDS researchers like Jews? There's a lot less of them than there used to be...
"
82346,"The Alzheimer Society of Ireland is commemorating 30 years this year... ...or is it 40?
"
80543,"How many dead orphans does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously more than 10, cause it's still pretty dark in my basement.
"
173020,"Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I'm grounded.
"
21832,"Women and their rights
"
82505,"I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
"
56148,"Ladies: If a man approaches you and he's wearing Crocs, hold perfectly still. Their vision is based off movement.
"
195672,"How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
"
134592,"""""anything new with you?"""" not really """"any cool projects at work? nope """"meeting with friends?"""" no """"seeing anybody?"""" why are you doing this?
"
48618,"Sometimes, I like to drink and play guitar...
"
96053,"If my cat didn't want to smoke cigarettes then he never should have bought that leather jacket
"
43046,"If I got 1 for everytime a girl called me unattractive I'd be attractive
"
54317,"My brother & I've competed for title of family black sheep for yrs. He checked in at a strip-club...on FB. Well played brother, well played
"
83087,"What do you call a bee that comes from US? USB !! sorry, I am going to shoot myself now!
"
90418,"I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour's herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
"
20169,"I wish everyone would stop criticising Jimmy Savile. When I was 9, he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded.
"
110782,"HER: my dad hates puns but loves food ME: got it HER: dad, this my date ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
"
37511,"what did the tricep say to the muscular receptionist bye, 'cep!
"
45430,"Carson: No it wasn't a friend it was a close family member. And I didn't stab her I froze her heart. """"Sir, that's the plot of Frozen.""""
"
117678,"Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign Me: I got lost in the music C: what song? M: I'd rather not say C: what song?!? M: I saw the sign
"
52962,"What do you call people who don't repost jokes? liars
"
218681,"Why was the ocean embarrassed? Because all the fish could see his bottom.
"
151746,"Sharks would look awesome with mustaches, but evolution said no. Cause evolution is a dick.
"
36913,"1 out of 10 dentists doesn't care what you brush with, he just wants to fondle you while you're gassed.
"
52614,"Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
"
222018,"What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
"
98008,"Dirty deeds done at a reasonable price with a quantity discount. That seems like a more sustainable business model.
"
114942,"""""What's the difference between a pickpocket and peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches."""" - Redd Foxx, 1956
"
41856,"What did one condom say to the other while passing a gay bar? Lets go in there and get shit faced.
"
65643,"What's fourteen inches and white? Nothing.
"
160549,"The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old So you have to be 21 years old to drink, and 8 to summon the devil
"
128236,"Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they're all pigs.
"
59189,"How many chickens does it take to screw in a light bulb? Who gives a cluck? (I wonder if the moderators will censor this joke merely on the grounds that it is categorically terrible?)
"
214797,"Father's Day is the day my wife gets on all fours and lets me do ANYTHING I want to her. I usually lay back and use her as an ottoman.
"
80186,"Why did god give women yeast infections? So they know what it is like to live with an irritating cunt. Zing!
"
230563,"My Butt giving the day off to employees on Thanksgiving.. **PSYCHE** Probably gonna take a huge dump instead.
"
123152,"Waiter waiter this lobster's only got one claw. It must have been in a fight sir. Then bring me the winner.
"
207523,"When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands Because shes deaf
"
221624,"The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.
"
27155,"Some girl wanted me to take her to see 50 Shades of Grey... So I took her to Sherwin-Williams.
"
37910,"I don't watch World Cup soccer. If I wanted to see grown men struggle to score for 90 minutes I'd go to a bar.
"
114363,"People always get disgusted when I say I slept with my teacher... I think it's because I was home schooled.
"
94009,"Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
"
216288,"Tombstone request: Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin. The engraver shortened it to: """" Returned unopened.""""
"
77249,"Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
"
66606,"Why can't bikes stand up on their own? They are two tired.
"
49247,"What type of people do vampires like? Type O positive people.
"
42397,"I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
"
105861,"How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Caesars.
"
117739,"[interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking
"
183214,"Roses are red. Violets are blue. There is always an Asian that's better than you.
"
123564,"Did you hear about the kid who was born without eyelids? They used his foreskin to make eyelids. The poor little kid is gonna be *cock*eyed the rest of his life.
"
77596,"Have you heard about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison last week? You should see the headlines: """"Small Medium at Large""""
"
144163,"What did the girl mushroom say about the boy mushroom? He's a real fun-guy.
"
72796,"Pixar says Toy Story 4 is about Hamm, the piggy bank, being turned upside down as executives try to shake every dime out of the franchise.
"
214427,"People named Thomas, your nickname isn't """"Thom"""" it's Tom. """"Thom"""" thounds sthupid and prethenthiuos.
"
16959,"Hey guys, I invented a new word! Plagiarism
"
201233,"Friend at the pub says: if they ever make a film on Oscar Pistorius, it shouldn't be called 'Bladerunner', it should be called.... Taking the Pisstorius.
"
62946,"Why did the cannibal live on his own? He was fed up with other people.
"
221238,"A loving couple just bought a new house The man says """"We really need a basement."""" The wife replies """"Oh come on, as if the size of your sex organ wasn't enough for you already.""""
"
194702,"Haiku to the cheating girlfriend A haiku is five, then seven then five again, but who cares you whore
"
187570,"What did the New Zealand naval officer say to his crew? All hands on dick....
"
168777,"This milk's brand name is """"Organic Valley."""" I can't drink it. Too grossed out picturing livers, spleens and pancreases sitting in a valley.
"
139077,"I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
"
91665,"When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
"
193918,"I tested positive for optimism.
"
22689,"I have a friend who's half Indian. Ian
"
165971,"A priest, a rapist and a pedophile walk into a bar. He orders a drink...
"
46726,"I'm for driverless cars but honestly having to drive is the only thing standing in the way of me being a complete drunk piece of shit 24/7
"
94658,"""""Hey look, there's a deer frolicking in the woods over there!"""" Deer: What the hell did you say I was doing?
"
133151,"I'm glad you all tweeted mean stuff at me because I've changed my mind. On everything! Congrats! You did it!
"
221848,"I'm just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me
"
186480,"Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring? Cuz he heard Bush got a Dick Cheney.
"
213705,"What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas Gloves. Only joking he's not opened his presents yet.
"
4764,"My girlfriend broke up with me. When she did, I gave her a note that said """"Great Job!"""" I wanted things to end on a positive note.
"
169077,"I put """"the rap"""" in therapy. Yo, yo. Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
"
112815,"Grandma found out I'm single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the 'have you thought about being a priest' talk again
"
214486,"Why should jokes always be sent over TCP? Because you're assured that the recipient will get it. (Don't you DARE explain the joke in the comments)
"
197692,"Putting a selfie on the top of your Christmas tree... ...because you're such a f**king star!
"
509,"woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.
"
229511,"Two muffins are in an oven One says to the other """"Man, it sure is hot in here"""" The other replies """"Holy shit! A talking muffin!""""
"
106417,"I went to a party at Paris Hilton's place last night. The party was fun but now I feel hungover. I tried to take some paracetamol but Paris-ate-them-all. hew hew
"
650,"Who does the Metric Cult worship? ...Demetre.
"
175559,"My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes. I asked her, """"What can I do to stop my addiction?"""" She said, """"Whatever means necessary."""" """"No it doesn't,"""" I said.
"
50266,"My cat told me he's old enough to move out on his own now but then he said nah I'm just kitten
"
85225,"Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I've rolled.
"
47570,"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank hot chocolate before it was cool.
"
153255,"I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.
"
166391,"She discovered that a hung jury is nowhere near as exciting as it sounds.
"
130713,"Why was the horse happy to come home after being released from the hospital? Because of his stable condition.
"
196375,"You know what I've noticed a lot of posts about recently? The Baader-Meinhof phenomenon.
"
82024,"Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.
"
117834,"Why do hipsters prefer to drink their PBR warm? So that they can say they liked it before it was cool.
"
212364,"What do Leonardo Dicaprio Babe Ruth have in common? They both won when neither of them were competing against black people!
"
127863,"Police Officer: Why are you driving in a  bathing suit? Motorist: I'm in a car pool.
"
80681,"Mummies are basically just zombie burritos.
"
193098,"I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid. It was terrible. I didn't know how to react.
"
102227,"There are 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and nine other types of people.
"
104786,"If you are from Spain... You are caught between a rock and a Bard place. Edit: Rock= Gibraltar Bard place = England (Shakespeare=bard)
"
147000,"Men are like curling irons.  They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
"
32046,"what's the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in a bathtub? a woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul.
"
217391,"Sometimes I feel like a pelican Whichever way I look, I can see a huge bill..
"
22011,"Two cows are standing next to each other in a field . . . one says """" I was artificially inseminated this morning"""" """"I don't believe you."""" Said the other """"It's true . no bull. """"
"
124829,"A woman isn't really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
"
168870,"This is a really offensive football joke... So the defense won't get it.
"
26233,"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
"
183237,"Any one want to get a Helen Keller thread going? What do you do after you rape Helen Keller? Break her fingers so she can't tell her mom.
"
26720,"In """"Come As You Are"""", Kurt Cobain kept repeating """"And I swear that I don't have a gun""""... ...he lied.
"
215322,"What should you wear when drinking tea? A tea-shirt.
"
111445,"What does a Vulcan lawnmower need to function? A spock plug.
"
187932,"I took someone else's coffee at Starbucks because I liked her name better.
"
20704,"Whats prettier..... ....than watching Ivanka Trump lying on her bed on a Saturday morning? Ivanka Trump lying on MY bed on a Saturday morning.
"
202564,"What does a Oompa Loompa Rabbi have for breakfast? Orange Juice
"
142708,"Why did the pervert buy 16.5 pints of salsa? [2 gals 1 cup](http://www.reddit.com/r/Canning/comments/yyhsp/my_20_trip_to_the_local_latin_market_netted_165/)
"
181361,"How long have I been working for this company? Ever since they threatened to fire me.
"
113951,"I brought my son a refrigerator for his birthday I just can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
"
66872,"I figured out a way to chop onions without crying... The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
"
105469," Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
"
198949,"The last fight I had with my wife was my fault. She asked me what was on the tv. I replied, """"Dust.""""
"
149096,"Sorry I ate that banana so slowly at your grandpa's funeral.
"
226991,"Ever since I became a vampire I've been too ashamed to even look at myself in the mirror
"
4175,"""""Blinding Nemo"""" #BPMovies
"
139051,"Two muffins are in the oven. . . One turns to the other and says """"its a bit hot in here"""", the other screams """"ahhh! a talking muffin""""
"
173028,"My dog used to chase people on a bike It got so bad, I had to take his bike away
"
58591,"What pronouns do you use to address a chocolate bar? Her/she
"
107072,"Did you hear about the gynecologist... ...who wallpapered his front room through the letter box?
"
34466,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bun ! Bun who ? Bun-nies make lovely pets !
"
221715,"looking for a great stand up comedy show? just watch the GOP debate
"
118716,"How does a boy dog rape a girl dog? with WOOFilin
"
42989,"What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college? BYE-SON!
"
179242,"Did you know Jesus has nice abs? He does crossfit.
"
46685,"My Dad got a Chia Obama head a couple of years ago. The box said he would grow an afro, but nothing changed.
"
92807,"I used to date a moonshiner's daughter... She always made me lick her
"
143335,"""""Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it."""" -Me lying to someone who's pointing out a constellation
"
160764,"I asked a welsh man how many sexual partners he has had so he started counting, and fell asleep.
"
215855,"Knock knock! (Who's there?) Not Abe Vigoda.
"
187509,"This year I'm releasing a Christmas record called Duvet Know it's Christmas? It's a cover version.
"
3601,"Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
"
205004,"I should call you Dr. Cause you just got a PhD in gettin schooled.
"
129511,"The secret episode. """"Hi! This is Khalid al-Mihdhar... and this is Jackass!"""" ^^^I'm ^^^going ^^^to ^^^hell ^^^for ^^^this
"
209265,"So here I am in the Internet Cafe... ... with the angriest, ugliest bastard I've ever seen reading every word I ty
"
34840,"My chicken and egg problem Chicken or egg which is tastier?
"
155347,"I took a shop class in high school... It didn't make me a better salesman, but I did learn how to build a franchise in a way I didn't anticipate.
"
79527,"So many people fall in love with the wrong person, simply because the wrong person will often say all the right things.
"
107093,"Why cant miss piggy count to 70? Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
"
93094,"Procrastination is just like Masturbation It's fun while you're doing it until you realize all you did was fuck yourself.
"
176406,"If Finn hooks up with Rey... He'll be the first Stormtrooper ever to hit something!
"
16065,"Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who's day he wanted to ruin
"
147980,"Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires. *Can I have oreos?* [NO]
"
120111,"Wife Wanted ad A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: """"Wife wanted"""". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: """"You can have mine."""" :p :D
"
9403,"You know youre getting old when Santa starts looking younger.
"
120716,"Sure, I can teach you about fractions, kid. Just remember this: There is a very fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
"
76992,"Is it wrong to hate a certain race? Me and my running friends always run 5Ks, but now they want to run 10K races and I really hate running 10Ks
"
207667,"Why does Spider-Man only drink Kool-aid? Because with grape powder comes great responsibility.
"
175629,"well i was going to climb mount everest but this yelp review says theres a nude man at the summit swinging chains around and yelling """"fuck u
"
54261,"What do ya call it when a lizard goes completely limp? A reptile-dysfunction.
"
114736,"Guys wait for the perfect girl, Playboy's fault. Girls wait for the perfect guy, Disney's fault.
"
65431,"Recently had a cat-scan. They didn't find any cats.
"
159880,"Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.
"
120489,"What did the baby owl's parents say when he wanted to go to a party? You're not owld enough.
"
146517,"I heard a 7 year old tell this amazing joke the other day. What is Mario's favorite material? Denim denim denim! *musical*
"
195403,"Have you ever played the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time your girlfriend goes to the bathroom you take 4 Shots.
"
72381,"What do I and Y2K have in common? Neither of us can get a date right ;_;
"
124008,"Why don't old people like tennis? There's too much racket
"
171478,"I'm tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can't wear a ski mask in a bank
"
188446,"People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
"
203128,"I watched what many consider the worst Star Trek episode ever, but I didn't think it was too bad. I guess I just have a lower Threshold for quality.
"
123089,"How can you tell when a skunk is angry? It raises a stink!
"
219002,"Why is Trump going to lose the election? Because he's simply not very good with races
"
209119,"Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the street count the legs divide by two and subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
"
84874,"I have a great HIPPA joke! But I can't tell you.
"
43057,"STOP ANIMAL TESTING...they don't know the answers.
"
165930,"Your mom's had so many trains run on her... ...they call her The Island of Sodor.
"
69175,"I suffer from Insomnia On the bright side; only 12 more sleeps til Christmas.
"
223969,"opinion=ass Opinion is like anal orifice. Everyone has it.
"
131932,"Birds that have mating rituals... I bet they just wing it.
"
99833,"I got my foot in the door, my head in the game, and my ass in gear. I'm one motivational tape away from a hospital admission.
"
183722,"A Higgs boson enters a church And the priest says, """"I'm sorry, we don't allow Higgs bosons in churches"""" The Higgs replies, """"but without me, you can't have mass""""
"
46719,"Adopt 25 cats and you'll never be alone. Also melt cheese on things. Not the cats though. -me as a therapist
"
161978,"Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn't agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
"
165567,"What do you call a small hairy man of folk legend who's selfish during an orgy? A knob-hoggin' hobgoblin!
"
3926,"How does a paralympian call home, after winning a medal? handsfree
"
29644,"This is just a temporary status...until I think of something better
"
134195,"A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
"
22894,"Two gay deer walk out of a bar... One turns to the other and says """"damn dude, I cant beleive you blew twenty bucks in there""""
"
199615,"If you push George W Bush into a vat of concrete. It would set a very bad president.
"
82419,"What do you call a bulimic tree? Sycamore!
"
212638,"What happens to gay horses when they die? They become """"super"""" glue!
"
119729,"[after moving into a haunted house] *setting up potters wheel* OH NO WHO WILL HELP ME LEARN POTTERY *sitting in silence for 40mins*
"
80489,"How does an Alabama girl know she's in for a crazy night? Her daddy says he wants her in bed by ten.
"
180739,"Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
"
170627,"The only way coffee could be any better would be if you had to suck it out of a boob.
"
225817,"I'd want a burglar to break into my house, I'll help them look for money.
"
70394,"I'm half black... Bottom half
"
213365,"A baby seal walks into a club. ...while two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff. Bah-dum-tsssssss.
"
161128,"Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as """"man surprised his credit card was declined""""
"
225373,"""""10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You're Going Straight to Hell"""" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
"
169375,"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
"
92921,"I don't trust left handed people They're never right
"
73378,"What happened when the girl dressed as a  spoon left the Halloween party? No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.
"
156101,"My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite... When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.
"
23415,"It's a pleasure to do business with you. I look forward to screaming at your customer service representatives in six months.
"
98111,"Me: I'm sorry Aquaman, but talking to fish just isn't a super power. Aquaman: oh yeah? *squints* a dolphin scoots to my car and shits on it
"
125457,"I would do unspeakable things for a sandwich right now, like actually get up & make one.
"
165568,"Did you hear about the woman who beat Usain Bolt? Turns out it was race related.
"
226370,"What does the earth eat for breakfast? Continental breakfast, served on tectonic plates.
"
82711,"why couldn't mrs. claus get pregnant? santa only comes once a year and when he does it's down a chimney...
"
82506,"I wanted to tell you a joke about my favourite Michael Jackson album but it's Bad
"
128947,"Did you hear about the farmer who equipped all his horses with firearms? He was a man who really wanted more bang for his buck.
"
118404,"[Being murdered while eating a salad] Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don't let them find me like this
"
131007,"When did Caesar reign ? I didn't know he reigned. Of course he did didn't they hail him ?
"
42852,"I think it's safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
"
109357,"When I watch an '80s movie I can't help but think about how all those malls are dead now.
"
149679,"What do laws and virgins have in common? They're both there to be violated. (The sad part is that a Portuguese Taxi Driver actually said that seriously in a protest against Uber)
"
56575,"What did the Circle say to the Square on the bus? """"Oh no! I've got on the Rhombus!""""
"
8516,"How many redditors are needed to screw a lightbulb? As much people as is needed to screw that lightbulb.
"
882,"Farting is your ass referring to itself in the turd person.
"
175454,"Why do Catholic priests like Indian restaurants so much? Unlimited fresh naans!
"
81835,"Is fashion all about clothes? Apparelently.
"
46899,"Have you seen  www.blottingpaper.com? Yes I found it very absorbing.
"
190315,"I tried to sign up to a website yesterday. I put in the password 'beefstew' But it said the password wasn't stroganoff.
"
16261,"How do you keep a retard in anticipation?
"
69808,"Life is ironic. We spend so much money on expensive clothes, but the best moments in life are spent without them.
"
46375,"Today I gave my dead batteries away.... Free of charge!
"
32326,"DIY - previous owners thought a bright red living room a good idea. 12 coats of heavy duty primer later... This Kilz the walls.
"
176487,"A man walks into a bar..... His alcoholism is tearing his family apart.
"
92855,"Towels are a scam... think about it - a towel is only a towel, but anything that's like pants or a sheet or whatever is also a towel
"
7823,"I can't understand the critics  saying that only an idiot would like that television program. I really  enjoyed it.
"
204564,"I told you to pick up a slow cooker... All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
"
142570,"Saw this a while back There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those that understand binary and those who do not.
"
151679,"I used to be indecisive but now I'm not so sure
"
170884,"Yo momma is so fat that when she went to the beach a whale swam up and sang, """"We are family, even though you're fatter than me.""""
"
47243,"What is the most environmentally friendly game company? The three that make Call of Duty; They've recycled their ONLY GAME, every year for the past 7 years.
"
21771,"What's more fun than swinging an infant over your head with a rope as fast as you can? Stopping it with a shovel
"
110620,"The original E*TRADE baby, Jaden Mills, died in an electrical fire 2 years ago.
"
77415,"When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
"
197349,"My ex-wife's a whore! I'm sorry, I really shouldn't be so mean about my ex-wife. I love my ex-wife. The problem is; is that for twenty five bucks everybody else could too!
"
121027,"When I die, I would like to go peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
"
21182,"I remember a time when I was much younger and had an infinite supply of drugs and booze. Then some c**ksucker cut the umbilical cord.
"
145786,"Why are horse-drawn carriages so unpopular? 'Cause horses are rubbish at drawing
"
19906,"I laughed at a lot of the posts here on Reddit. They /r/jokes.
"
61249,"Have you heard about the humble farmer? He's a grower, not a shower.
"
190917,"Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
"
216026,"Based on the number of nurses on twitter, I now know why I'm bleeding to death in the ER.
"
33617,"Facial scrubs with bits of fruit in them are a pretty big """"fuck you!"""" to third world countries.
"
130990,"*kids running down the stairs* DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, """"SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.""""
"
24111,"What does Hodor start off his day with? Raisin' Bran.
"
161524,"Why does it suck to be a black Jew? You have to sit in the back of the oven.
"
128242,"The Ikea corporation was found not guilty yesterday for assassinating a rival companies CEO. While there were several damning pieces of evidence, the detectives couldn't seem to put the case together.
"
141065,"Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI's.
"
99130,"Your best """"Your pussy's so..."""" Your pussy's so wrinkled I mistook it for an antique coin purse.
"
226652,"Do you know what one ocean said to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved. sea what i did there? I'm shore you got it come on, dont be a beach
"
182992,"If Dairy Queen and Burger King had a baby, what do you call it? Restaurants can't have sex you moron.
"
109943,"Q: What is the last thing a tossed salad says to itself before being devoured by a human? A: Lettuce pray
"
162927,"[Pharrell eating at Arby's] """"I want a new look"""" Like a new hair cut? """"Something crazier"""" *notices the hat in the Arby's logo* """"I've got it!""""
"
40986,"A blind man walks into a bar... And then a table... And then a chair...
"
10045,"How does a lawyer from Panama play his guitar? He shreds.
"
26450,"A violist and a cellist were standing on a  sinking ship together. """"Help!"""" cried the cellist """"I can't swim!"""" """"Don't worry"""" said the violist """"just fake it.""""
"
58967,"My Blonde neighbor says me and my friends suck at basketball. I asked her why and she said, """"Because double teaming is against the rules""""
"
91011,"How do you find the Pun Bar? You just walk into it
"
201038,"Looking at a playground, how can you tell which kid is the child of a trombonist? He doesn't know how to use the slide and can't swing.
"
146638,"Dollar Tree pregnancy tests. For when you only want to be 35% sure.
"
172506,"If there's one thing that Twitter has taught me its that all the weird kids in school eventually find each other.
"
82819,"Boys are like bras.. They are cute and supportive until you use them too long and then they fall apart... ...also that's when the support ends
"
152858,"What do you call someone with March Madness who doesn't even like basketball? A hypochondriac
"
50688,"Walks into a bar A neutron walks into a bar and asks """"how much for a beer?"""" The bartender says, """"for you? no charge.""""
"
129967,"why do jews watch porn backwards? so they can cum when he hands the prostitute money
"
182908,"Did you hear about the dragon fan who played Skyrim? He was Dovah-keen
"
200085,"What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain
"
163553,"Why was the girl with the Frozen balloon sad? Because she...let it go!
"
47461,"Why doesn't Ed have a girlfriend? Cause Sheeran.
"
76054,"Mom, what's an orgasm? Child: """"Mom, what's an orgasm?"""" Mom: """"I don't know, dear. I never had one."""" Dad: (Thinking) """"This bitch.""""
"
56273,"Why can't Michael J. Fox draw a perfect circle? Because he's only human.
"
134292,"What kind of umbrella does the Queen of England carry on a rainy day? A wet one.
"
52989,"How come Apple-products have so small transistors? Children have very small hands
"
71884,"Once Chuck Noris .... Once Chuck Noris had sex in a pick up truck ... today the truck is known as Optimus Prime.
"
101810,"What do the Chinese call their spies? Secret Asians.
"
182131,"70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots
"
142222,"Wanted: Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don't get orange. No weirdos.
"
6698,"Where did the King keep his armies? In his sleevies.
"
159767,"What's more illegal than marijuana? My Mexican neighbor
"
166589,"What's the similarity of the World Series and Lorde? They'll never be royals
"
113229,"I used to sanitize my son's bottles and Lysol his toys. Then I caught him chewing on the dog's tail.
"
63969,"Did you know a man gets run over by a car in New York City every five minutes? Whoa, he should really get out of the road!
"
89128,"""""I'm sorry, sir but you have cancer and you only have 5..."""" """"5 years left to live? 5 months? Tell me, Doc! Tell meeeeee!"""" """"5...4...3...2...1""""
"
180356,"How did the farmer find his girlfriend? He tractor!
"
221834,"Feminism Joke Man: So what do you want? Feminist: I want equal rights and liberties as men. Man: I couldn't agree with you more... because if I did, you would have a problem with that.
"
110966,"Oxygen is proven to be a toxic gas. Anyone who inhales oxygen will normally dies within 80 years.
"
212821,"I'm never mean to a girl in glasses, because she will most likely turn out to be hot and popular by the end of the movie.
"
134965,"Worst joke:joker said I'm not a joker
"
231407,"to my beautiful son i leave a wealth of valuable golden coins, sprinkled throughout super mario 3d world, redeemable for extra in-game lives
"
194486,"Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
"
94274,"I'm never buying a Labrador... Havent you seen how many of their owners go blind?
"
16757,"I pet my dog and he didn't wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I'll dress like a cat.
"
127665,"Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
"
166868,"I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs. It's very eggs-citing.
"
187096,"Did you hear about the Mayweather X Pacquiao fight? The bout was declared a bore.
"
71466,"What did Kermit the Frog say after Jim Henson died? Nothing.
"
142604,"""""Ho, ho, ho!"""" -Santa doing a head count
"
115047,"SCIENCE: If you have another person posing with you in your twitter avatar, 100% of the time you're the uglier one.
"
109082,"I'm a die hard Bruce Willis fan.
"
74619,"Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven was a Six offender.
"
77833,"If a deaf kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
"
59430,"I started reading a book about anti-gravity... ...now I can't put it down.
"
192972,"What kind of music do cows listen to? (dadjoke) MOOOOOsic.
"
82319,"Life is like huffing butane... first you huff the butane, then you die
"
22241,"I workout religiously About once or twice around the holidays
"
102007,"What does a Necrophiliac get at funerals? Mourning Wood
"
30042,"How do you get a stoner to comprehend what you're saying? Put it bluntly.
"
122934,"I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
"
77680,"A man walked into a bar And immediately lost the limbo competition
"
65335,"Jewish kid asks his Grandpa for money Grandson: Hey Grandpa, can I have 30 dollars? Jewish Grandpa: 20 dollars?? What do you need 10 dollars for?!
"
124369,"How do you make a dead baby float? -2 scoops vanilla icecream -2 scoops baby -Add rootbeer and serve
"
379,"A doctor reaches into his pocket and finds his rectal thermometer He says """"Shit, some asshole took my pen!""""
"
10129,"What is a parrot's favorite game ? Hide and Speak !
"
209693,"I don't think I'd be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.
"
86514,"A new study finds that women find men with beards more attractive than men without beards More great work from the University of James Harden
"
127714,"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
"
173363,"Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if he wanted to upgrade to Windows 7.. His response was """"I still love Vista, baby!""""
"
193156,"God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round.......and laughed and laughed and laughed.
"
186399,"What's a candidates favorite instrument? Trump-et
"
1857,"Just went to a dance for mentally handicapped people It was basically one big slow dance.
"
129612,"I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
"
91518,"What do you call a rich black man? A tycoon.
"
36637,"Whats the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping tom? A pick pocket snatches watches.
"
68921,"What's a a magician's favorite kind of coffee? 100% abracadabra
"
56711,"Q: What does a proud computer call his little son? A: A microchip off the old block.
"
113788,"ME: I give you all my love and infection. HIM: Um. Don't you mean love and 'affection'? ME: ... HIM: ... ME: You should get tested.
"
47115,"What's worse than the holocaust? 6 millions jews
"
63010,"Why do women love Satan? He's down to Earth.
"
46314,"What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
"
149080,"How many Tourette's syndrome sufferers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Damn fuck shit screw you dickhead just one asshole twat cocksucker.
"
116453,"How do you comfort a Grammar Nazi? There, their, they're
"
155792,"I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn't hand out drugs.
"
191402,"How many figures does a stripper make? I don't know, but it's not a father figure.
"
217726,"What is a rift valley? Valleys that have fallen out after an argument.
"
134791,"You'll never hear the phrase """"It's time to separate the men from the boys"""" in a Catholic church.
"
161533,"Irishman walks in to a bar HAHA! Get it? It is funny because it implies the Irishman left the bar before to be able to walk back in!
"
175809,"Sometimes things go from bad to worse back to bad then awful, rotten, pure sh1t to pathetic & back to bad which feels ok. Hang in there.
"
62391,"I had reconstructive bone surgery It wasn't Humerus
"
98016,"Octopus 1-you up for tennis? Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again Octo1-..we dont have elb Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
"
49712,"I hate the French They give me the Crepes
"
89962,"Crouch down and lean forward. That's how I roll.
"
148809,"I love watching kids running in the park... They have no idea I'm shooting blanks
"
6669,"I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
"
41570,"What did the dog say to the pig? """"You are such a bore.""""
"
86469,"My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
"
71519,"*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
"
36792,"should probably not think about sad things at work i mean who wants to buy a dildo from someone who was clearly just crying in the shoe room
"
78361,"If Einstein were alive, he would listen to 10 minutes of scientific breakthroughs before asking you to describe free online porn again.
"
114376,"A tap, tap, tapping at my door Knock, knock. *Who's there?* Control freak. *Contro-* (interrupting) Now you say, """"Control freak who?""""
"
54359,"A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth. Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
"
80985,"Sometimes I think you have good taste in clothing as I try on your sundress. Other times I think you need a better home security system
"
49240,"Geography joke from my son Him: What's the capitol of Switzerland? Me: Ummm, Geneva? Him: Nope!.... BERN!!!!
"
170171,"""""Dad, what's the difference between love and lust?"""" - Well, ya know your teddy bear? """"I love it"""" - While you're at school, the dog lusts it.
"
146182,"I want to start a potato chip company called """"dick's."""" Our motto would tell you to eat a bag of 'em.
"
206023,"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't.
"
121792,"Why is minotaur pretty ugly? Because it is an Oxy+moron.
"
117183,"I love self deprecating humour. Shame I'm no good at it.
"
106055,"""""'There is no 'I' in team!"""" *Steve Jobs yells at his iTeam*
"
86751,"Camo Bulletd You know, so they do see it coming!
"
220639,"Why are there no female necrophiliacs? Because dead guys can't spend money.
"
224610,"The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
"
158604,"Today on my first day of school someone told me that I must be so excited to be a senior I said """"Right back at you Grandma""""
"
188954,"Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife is dead.
"
75209,"A man walked into a bar He's gay now
"
14580,"Me to Dr: I have no energy lately. Dr: you need to exercise more Me:... Dr:... Me: Let's start this again.
"
156367,"A farmer was counting his cows.... A farmer was counting his cows and initially only counted 196, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
"
170282,"Subway to release a statement next week In light of recent events, kids now get free 6 inches.
"
26511,"Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.
"
4560,"What I bring to a relationship is pretty much the same stuff you can pick up at any hardware store.
"
196826,"What is the meaning of  afford? It's the car most sales representatives drive.
"
140732,"What is a pirate's favorite TV show? EEEEEE-YARRRRRRRR
"
47007,"What do Harry Potter and Kermit the frog have in common? Hogwarts!
"
122019,"Did you hear David Copperfield got AIDs? He did Magic.
"
230834,"I was having sex with a hot girl yesterday and she kept yelling someone else's name. Do you know anybody by the name of """"rape""""?
"
145204,"At a funeral Visitor: what's the wifi password here? Priest: Respect the Dead. Visitor: all small letters...?
"
36031,"I was gonna make a joke about my dog being a freak on a leash... But it was too korny
"
61683,"What does a duck like to have for breakfast? Quacker Oats
"
86543,"I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday.  Farcical?
"
157620,"I asked my wife for the newspaper I said to my wife, """"Get me a newspaper."""" """"Don't be silly,"""" she replied, """"you can borrow my iPad."""" The spider didn't see that coming.
"
20016,"In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
"
12824,"What do you get when you put an egg in the ground? An eggplant.
"
29816,"My brother just asked me what 'FAP' meant... Shit! Now I am starting to regret leaving comments on his missus facebook pics.
"
60009,"What two planets should we keep clean? Earth and Uranus.
"
230838,"What do you call data on a Pediatricians computer? Pedi-files
"
26017,"What goes ooooooo? A cow with no lips. ;) ;) ;)
"
141293,"Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
"
160347,"What happens when a T-rex gets strep? His throat becomes saurus.
"
59243,"Did you hear about the Scooby Doo villain who became an Olympic swimmer? He would have won, if it weren't for all those medaling swimmers!
"
16371,"Why did the girl get grumpy after anal sex? She was butthurt.
"
19137,"I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
"
98021,"What do you call a Chinese Billionaire? Cha Ching.
"
21415,"How many Arabs does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They'll sit in the dark and blame the Jews
"
190230,"If you're unattractive, nobody wants to know that you're horny.
"
102583,"""""To be and not to be"""" ~ Schrodinger's Hamlet
"
14419,"My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile I told her, """"that's an awfully big word for a six year old"""".
"
86853,"Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams """"I wish I was dead,"""" but God hears """"Deb,"""" so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
"
221678,"The hay in baby Jesus's manger came from Christian Bales.
"
175902,"I like my women like I like my golf game Around 80 and handicapped.
"
49581,"The bad zoo A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the zoo is a dog. It's a shizhu
"
54786,"Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
"
193383,"What's the hardest part about cooking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair in the pot.
"
148202,"How many potatoes does it take to kill 1 million Irish? None.
"
175619,"[Working in a hospital] ME: Well, this guy's autopsy is done NURSE: You mean tonsillectomy ME: Uh oh
"
121722,"When does a pedophile enjoy a basketball match the most? Before the first period.
"
14137,"What's the difference between hitler and a gay man. A 45 degree angle.
"
1153,"Did you hear about the scarecrow who won a Nobel Prize? He's out standing in his field.
"
80114,"What's the difference between a politician and a computer? logic
"
60445,"What do you call a police officer who has just finished masturbating? Pulled pork!
"
130404,"There's been and explosion is a French cheese factory... All that's left is de brie!
"
203403,"Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section? A: Half a measure.
"
148652,"What did the police say to the man who wouldn't go to sleep? """"He's resisting a rest!""""
"
59127,"What should you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle? Wipe it off.
"
38272,"TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a... Baby shower.
"
9013,"""""Money doesn't grow on trees"""" is something rich people say so you won't find their money trees.
"
119972,"Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
"
37116,"Whats the difference between a gun and a feminist? A gun only has one trigger
"
76787,"*snail Olympics* How does it feel? """"Well it took 4 years but I finished the marathon"""" And how will you prepare for it again tomorrow? """"What""""
"
93015,"yo mama so stupid [anti-joke] that she failed her IQ test
"
193546,"Q: Did you hear about the peanut in the hospital? A: He was assaulted.
"
102156,"Such a sad day - a friend of mine died of heartburn Still can't believe Gaviscon
"
25403,"What did Hitler invest his money in hand sanitizer? It kills 99.9% of Germs.
"
65928,"Why are black people so good at basketball? The core elements of the game are things they have been doing forever. Shoot, steal and run.
"
23864,"""""This custard-filled donut will be bought... by a murderer!"""" -The Eclairvoyant
"
42675,"Why don't house painters wear wedding rings on the job? Nobody wants to marry an underemployed alcoholic.
"
173097,"Why do men carry condoms instead of women? Because by the time women found a condom in their purses, kid would be 3 years old
"
175753,"Hillary Clinton walks into a bar. Bartender: What'll it be, Secretary Clinton? Hillary: Let me see what polls best among my focus groups.
"
182715,"If you really want to surprise your man during intercourse, die.
"
17011,"Why couldn't Beethoven find his music teacher? He was Haydn
"
172181,"*Nurses dump cooler full of blood on surgeon after successful surgery*
"
42620,"I read a book called 'The Anti-Climax' The first part of it was great, but....
"
176298,"If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.
"
82725,"""""911 whats your emerge-"""" I THOUGHT I COULD TAKE THESE PANTS OFF WITHOUT TAKING OFF MY SHOES
"
57944,"What does your wife/girlfriend want more than anything in the world? Nothing, she's fine.
"
89345,"I got arrested at an airport. Apparently, airport security didn't like it when I called shotgun.
"
76449,"What involves a man and two women, and doesn't even last a minute? A Ronda Rousey fight.
"
207990,"What is Michelle Obama's favorite dish to cook? Baracolli
"
177190,"Leaving a warm bed on a cold morning is my personal hell.
"
47350,"As the joker said, if you are good at something why do it for free...
"
98223,"Did you hear Trump's children will be outside security advisors? Trump Don-un and Trump Don-il will serve our country well.
"
215971,"I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.
"
126968,"What do you call a Canadian in a blizzard? Cold.
"
34103,"Becoming a garbage man isn't hard.... you just pick it up as you go along. ^^^*I'm* ^^^*terribly* ^^^*sorry*
"
52526,"Why is a giraffe's neck so long? Because it's head is so far away from it's body.
"
49699,"A pakistani cabbie called me a racist I didn't say a word and left the cab. Because you don't negotiate with terrorists
"
19639,"What's the difference.... Between my girlfriend and santa? Some people actually believe santa exist.
"
6341,"Christmas is my favorite four months of the year.
"
78512,"mike hawk is huge !!!
"
198909,"What does a vampire call a hemophiliac? Diarrhea.
"
191672,"Why did Shrodinger's girlfriend dump him? Because she didn't like his lack of commitment
"
20737,"Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line -Japanese spelling bee
"
76082,"What is the best way to cut a mango? With a knife!
"
126512,"I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
"
82842,"My life would have been very different had I done anything with the same intensity as brushing my teeth on the day of a dentist appointment.
"
147774,"Dry erase boards are remarkable!
"
191860,"What doesn't float to the top when it dies? A day old reddit post.
"
55569,"Billion Dollar Idea: Child-Cancelling Headphones
"
1808,"Your face... ...looks like it caught on fire and somebody tried to put it out with a hammer.
"
174843,"Nothing turns your world upside-down more than realizing you've been singing the wrong lyrics for 20 years.
"
164337,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Castro ! Castro who ? Castro bread upon the waters !
"
140093,"One grape lived for lying around in the sun. It was his """"raisin d'etre.""""
"
27337,"A gaggle of geese. A murder of crows. A nope of laundry.
"
191997,"5 MINUTES & NO LIKES'? Well then... *deletes status*
"
2525,"The Pink Panther's To Do list: - To do - To do - To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo
"
153444,"Just had to gently break it to all these girls in Starbucks that they are not Zooey Deschanel.
"
65750,"Jesus dies for our sins? No, no, no... He died for YOUR sins. I haven't touched a goat inappropriately since third grade.
"
8136,"Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
"
215825,"Country Music Album My friends don't seem to be enjoying my attempt at a Country Music album. It bothers them that the song about Germany runs straight into the song about Poland.
"
135560,"What did my dad say after he asked for frozen casserole That's chili. E:dit Ok execution could be better. Any tips?
"
108762,"I'm sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn't high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
"
6874,"Gf:Do u love me? Me:Yes. Gf:Why do u love me? Me:You're the best. Gf:I'm the best at what? Me:Asking questions. Gf: Like what? Me:...
"
1105,"In hell, the thermostat is guarded by a bunch of dads.
"
213509,"What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it!
"
27872,"What helps keep your teeth together? Toothpaste.
"
171088,"What the Diffrence between Chinese and Mexican food? Chinese food comes out in about 15-20 minutes and Mexican food comes outta you in about 15-20 minutes.
"
9049,"People say I'm not good with Greek Mythology... I guess that it's my Achilles wrist.
"
17610,"Knock knock """"Hey Walter, wanna hear a joke?"""" """"Sure"""" """"Knock kno- """" """"I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS!!!""""
"
90830,"Why does moon rock taste better than earth rock? It's a little meteor.
"
201154,"Why are the nordic countries the best countries to live in? Their flags are big plusses.
"
56925,"it should be illegal for shipping & handling to cost more than the product
"
201727,"Did you hear about the two little boys who  found themselves in a modern art gallery by mistake ? 'Quick' said one 'run ! Before they say we did it !
"
86087,"Do you know the difference between lunch and a blowjob? You don't??? We should have lunch sometime!
"
75949,"I'm Rich with a capital R! But my colleagues know me by my legal name, Richard.
"
36138,"Vet: """"I can see the head... ...here's the neck... ...more neck... ...more neck... ...neck... ...neck... ...neck... ...still more neck... ...neck... ...it's a giraffe!""""
"
158737,"What do 9/10 people love? Gangrape.
"
133888,"I wish I could crowd surf to work.
"
120903,"Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you're the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore
"
134370,"Water polo was invented After a particularly heated game of ICE Hockey
"
150224,"Why did Kim Jong Un Instagram his missile? It was the only way he could send it.
"
185901,"How do you fit 500 jews in a smart car? Put them in the ash tray
"
199550,"PERSON: I'm exhausted! ME: Me too! What'd you do? PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You? ME: I talked to like 4 people.
"
13063,"nsfw Was told this by my Italian coworker. Ever hear of an Italian tire? Dego here dego there and when they go flat dego wop wop wop!
"
19479,"You might have heard this one. I confided in my gf: """"sometimes I can be pretty full of myself."""" Gf replies: """"sometimes I'm pretty full of you too.""""
"
118055,"An Irishman walks out of a bar... hey, it could happen!
"
158977,"Knock Knock! -Who is it? -Santa -Oh, come on in santa. What did you bring me this year!? -Your black friday debts bitch! I'm Santa nder!
"
65273,"What's a redneck's favorite dating website? Ancestry.com
"
48641,"You know what they say about a guy with... big hands and big feet? 2 out of 3
"
154744,"Person: Raise your glasses! Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
"
118704,"[robbery] ROBBER: Give me all your money! ME: I don't have it all with me. ROBBER: Dang!
"
30544,"[company meeting] Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes. Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
"
76632,"Man who washes with dog toy becomes squeaky clean
"
50937,"On Facebook: Them: Look! We're at the beach! Me: Look! I'm in your house!
"
6865,"Oh good, I've made this mistake before so I know what to expect.
"
135025,"How do you call your gay friend With a homophone
"
134394,"They made a TV series about 9/11 But it didn't get past the pilot
"
146521,"Referring to people as individuals isn't accurate... I can divide them.
"
131625,"My wife and I got into an argument. And now I'm gonna do these dishes so hard.
"
209812,"I'm not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.
"
147399,"What's green and smells like bacon? Kermit's finger.
"
60835,"I don't understand chinese philosophy. It Confucius me.
"
219612,"What goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Chewing gum.
"
115504,"What do penguins do in a race? They peng-win
"
81694,"This is a motherfucking website. http://motherfuckingwebsite.com/
"
183123,"Wish triscuits would focus less on that basket weave design and more on not tasting like actual basket.
"
56222,"Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads. That's a lie. On an unrelated note, I need that guy's address.
"
9067,"A dog runs for senator... He has no previous experience in pawlitics
"
207691,"How does a Japanese person distinguish between a German and an extraterrestrial? He doesn't, they are both Aryans.
"
76485,"The body is 70% water.. So cool, you're not fat you're just flooded..
"
19301,"I have an irrational fear of over-engineered buildings. I have a complex complex complex
"
61903,"What comes after 69? Mouthwash. I'm sure this has been posted before, but I thought it was funny.
"
221437,"What's the difference between Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps could finish a race.
"
139004,"[at Doctor's office] """"When's the last time you had sex?"""" Last night. """"With a male or female?"""" Oh...with another person?
"
203140,"Pregnant The best part about being pregnant is...you can't hear your baby cry.
"
158747,"Did you hear? There was an active shooter at the observatory! He was shooting for the stars!
"
214641,"Me: *applies temporary tattoos* Mom: Unicorn tats? Me: I'm in a gang. Mom: Ha! With who, Lisa Frank? Me: You just made a powerful enemy.
"
75213,"""""I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT"""" - Guy who named the sweater.
"
153772,"How do you stop the Polish army on horseback? Unplug the merry-go-round.
"
105692,"Sherlock Holmes and Watson are in a greenhouse when Watson says """"Is that an orange bush, Holmes?"""" Holmes replies, """"It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson""""
"
28827,"Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
"
167891,"Something with high frequency hit me It really hertz
"
226678,"What's The Donald's favourite keyboard shortcut? Command Alt Right.
"
180086,"What should we call this giant advertising board? Phil: A philboard Bill: I have a better idea
"
40261,"What is the cruelest thing you can do to a blind person? 'Caution- Hot surface' in braille.
"
195129,"Love is like peeing yourself....  everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
"
197928,"What did Adam say to Eve on the day before Christmas? """"It's Christmas, Eve.""""
"
105,"[car wreck] [hand reaches out] """"Take my hand. I'm Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback."""" [I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
"
31939,"How does Sean Connery ask for Worchestershire sauce? (x-post from askreddit) Worsheshershershosh.
"
10600,"Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
"
67606,"Teacher : What are you reading ? Pupil : I dunno ! Teacher : But you're reading aloud ! Pupil : But I'm not listening !
"
182647,"The Prophylactic Why did the prophylactic fly across the room? It was peed off.
"
94424,"I bet you'll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
"
116753,"What do the mafia and a women's pussy have in common? One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.
"
83762,"I'm taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she's staying with me and I love subliminal messages.
"
111459,"They say I have a drinking problem. All I have been trying to do is drain the liquor down the toilet. Through my body.
"
126919,"Me: Damn dog is under the covers again! Wife: No she's not. She's next to the bed. Me: Oh. Wife: ... Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
"
130884,"Why do Communists drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
"
190762,"It's pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
"
155334,"What did the couch say to the armchair? Don't worry, I pull out.
"
150326,"I just tried an inverted yoga pose that my friend told me about... it was highly rectum-ended
"
106857,"In the event of death... find peace in Trump.
"
177386,"A man was found dead in a vat of falafel condiment. Police are treating it as a hummuscide.
"
47524,"Nothing's more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
"
208747,"Werewolves are notoriously hard to find... Otherwise they'd be known as Therewolves.
"
196502,"What did the green grape say to the purple grape? OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREEEEEATHE!!!!!
"
66522,"Do you know how I feel about muscle relaxers? I valium.
"
120429,"Q: What kind of witch goes to the beach? A: Sandwitch
"
2224,"What's the difference between a blonde and an Airbus A380? Not everyone has been in an Airbus A380.
"
164729,"What's the best way to be on Instagram and in life? Selfless
"
181262,"Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
"
184162,"Q: What's the highest position in the Greek Navy? A: Rear Admiral!
"
227397,"Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican? Under a bar of soap.
"
112226,"Brussel sprouts are like anal sex. If you were forced to have them against your will as a child, chances are you won't enjoy them as an adult.
"
112900,"Why did the cowboy buy a wiener dog? So he could """"get a long little doggy"""".
"
94462,"*Gandalf rollerblades into the club* """"YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE-- *slips on a drink & lands flat on face* """"SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
"
167898,"Would I miss my leg or my arm more? (me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
"
190031,"Where did the dog find her husband? At the Groomers!
"
72216,"Why /r/Hillaryclinton is a ghost town All their keyboards have water damage.
"
223772,"I am so sorry to hear about your grandma... I know what you're going through my phone dies all the time.
"
106008,"LEGOLAS: You have my bow. GIMLI: And my ax. [Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich] ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
"
148060,"College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull
"
52547,"Has anyone out there tried """"Starbucks"""" coffee? It's really good. I think that they have a location in LA.
"
192752,"Similarities between Scruff McGruff's police force and Michael Vick? They've both got a dog fighting crime.
"
49456,"Apparently typos only become visible to the human eye AFTER you hit send.
"
163231,"What do you call a shy rapper? Lil' Confidence
"
127733,"Mark Twain Quote """"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.""""
"
209634,"What is six inches long and stiff in the morning? Crib death.
"
73305,"At our local restaurant you can eat dirt cheap - but who wants to eat dirt?
"
163773,"What do you get when you cross human DNA with a penguin? A life time ban at the zoo
"
56079,"Keep yelling """"dance!"""" and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you're going to look like an idiot.
"
213761,"*Sees dead cat on the road. Walk it off buddy, you got 8 more.
"
45182,"There's a one-eyed doctor round my way that gives out free body parts. He gives me the willies.
"
72506,"Husband and AC Comparison Position of husband is like a split A.C. No matter how loud he is outside, but inside the house, he is designed to remain silent, cool &amp; controlled by remote.
"
231028,"A frog parked his car in the handicapped spot. It got toad.
"
19790,"The human soul weighs 1.2lbs. I know because I've weighed myself before and after I walk into my job.
"
136328,"I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn't """"easy breezy"""" just another way to say """"slutty and flatulent?""""
"
76351,"I was told that at birth I had a choice between perfect memory or a big penis. """"I fucking remember"""" i replied
"
176697,"What do you call two nuts on the wall? Walnuts. What do you call two nuts on a chest? Chestnuts. What do you call two nuts on a chin? A good blowjob.
"
200056,"Where do dock workers like to shop? Crate and Barrel.
"
183073,"My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it's ok, it was in my pocket.
"
34917,"[first date] Boy: so where are you from? Me: [points to all you can eat sign] I live here now.
"
27327,"CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas- *scuffle noises* ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
"
22104,"What is the only thing that will be """"Feeling the Bern""""? Working people's wallets.
"
41222,"wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
"
47315,"How do blondes carpool? They meet up a work
"
108637,"The Avengers must love Daft Punk They were up all night to get Loki
"
134664,"A Blind man walks into a bar... ...into a table, into a chair..
"
196105,"For the last few weeks, whenever I get into a conversation with someone... I just wanna say """"ISIS, Donald Trump, Leonardo Dicaprio, Bye.""""
"
61553,"Roses are infrared Violets are infrared I'm hunting you for sport And soon you'll be dead -a valentine from the Predator
"
101991,"Me: I love you Him: you just drank 1/4 of your beer through your nostril Me: that is also true
"
36487,"Non-native English speakers are the number one victim... ...of getting punched in the mouse.
"
188595,"Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow. Sir, that's a phone book.
"
28788,"What's black and never works? Decaf coffee, you racist bastard.
"
73527,"Guys, Kelly Kapowski does not belong solely to me She belongs to us all She's R. Kelly
"
223112,"I feel like my parents grossly overstated the number of times I'd be offered candy by strangers.
"
28796,"What's the most beautiful thing in mathematics? A cute angle
"
31409,"The Harambe memes need to stop It's very de-meme-ing.
"
74566,"I've had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said """"C'mon, can't we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.""""
"
228529,"What's an amphibian's favorite musician? John Frogerty
"
53473,"I have a weird fungal infection on my foot... I didn't like it at first, but it's growing on me.
"
187533,"What do we want? An Iphone for fat fingers! When do we want it? BOW!
"
203381,"My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
"
166708,"Genie: Sure about this? Me: C'mon do it Genie: It's your last wis- Me: I WANNA BE RICH Genie: Alakazam! Hi Rich, I'm Genie
"
203400,"Recently historians revealed Hitler had a """"micropenis""""... No wonder he hated black guys
"
201350,"Kids are so dumb u think Santa's elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
"
16880,"I am schizophrenic, AUA
"
202879,"[first date] HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware? ME: [filling container] The sign says 'All You Can Eat', it doesn't specify when
"
222085,"If there's ever a zombie outbreak, it should happen in Las Vegas Because what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
"
180219,"Where is Macau? In m'field
"
164655,"""""Dad!"""" my shit says, right before I flush it.
"
186519,"What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song? I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas
"
149851,"I went camping over the weekend... It was in tents.
"
108343,"Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
"
165650,"Him: Come check out my church! Me: Him: They play rock music! Me: Him: It's cool! Me: Does it have church in it? Him: Yes... Me: *click*
"
89257,"If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it's about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
"
20508,"Why did the vegan zombie visit the coma ward? Because it only ate vegetables.
"
107281,"I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel.
"
167788,"How does a farmer count his cows?? with a Cowculator!!
"
160598,"My God: dead. My world: disenchanted. My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
"
174326,"I'm on a new diet of just Viagra and prune juice... I never know if I'm comin' or goin'.
"
12732,"How many sorority girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven. One to change it, two to take pictures, and four to make t-shirts for the event.
"
18217,"In heaven there is never a line at Chipotle.
"
9735,"What do you call a right angle that gets beaten into a long square? A rekt angle
"
56606,"I saw a homeless man holding a sign. It said, """"2 will change my life."""" Unfortunately, I only had a 5 note in my pocket.
"
29321,"""""We should definitely let dolphins go into space instead of monkeys"""" said one scientist obviously not a dolphin dressed up as a scientist
"
23976,"It's Kim Kardashian's birthday. Which begs the question, """"What do you get the person who does nothing?""""
"
62370,"Thomas Jefferson's dad's name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
"
187896,"Yo fellas how did that """"wow"""" comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?
"
83056,"At the water cooler, just """"accidentally"""" splashed my pants to hide some pee. This Christmas, I'll give the office a chocolate fountain.
"
119106,"What kind of person is sexually excited from looking at young animals? A PETAphile.
"
25968,"A table walks into a bar and says... Drinks are on me!
"
214159,"Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums? Because people are dying to get in.
"
211473,"Doctor told my wife and I that our baby has an extra chromosome... What a downer.
"
207823,"There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea. One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint. They collide... All the survivors were marooned.
"
61675,"What does Light Yagami drink at the bar? Tekira!
"
56825,"Please stop looking so hot, I'm trying to stop liking you.
"
162275,"Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o'clock Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o'clock]: I'm just gonna nap for an hour then
"
156617,"Someone tried to touch my ass without my permission. Safe to say, I'm not letting anyone on my farm again.
"
18956,"""""I suppose you have to live somewhere."""" - A more accurate motto for the state of Utah.
"
92344,"How do you know when you're in a true, tough lesbian bar? Even the pool tables have no balls
"
188615,"Why was the doctor in a hurry to move to the big city? He was running out of patients.
"
122941,"What food do vampires hate? Steaks.
"
224462,"I was really upset when I lost my paper towels I was SO upset that they had gone missing that I had to hire a BOUNTY hunter *ba dum tss*
"
111898,"Girl Logic: I'd like him a lot more if he ignored and liked me a little less.
"
15310,"You've said it before and I'll say it again -Plagiarists
"
69982,"If a chick tells you she's """"not like other girls"""" she just proved she's exactly like all other girls.
"
225552,"If the Black Lives Matter movement had started 300 years ago... it would have been called PETA
"
86716,"New study shows you can get HIV/AIDS from toilet seats in public restrooms By sitting down before the other guy gets up
"
173646,"A Hindu candle company has released a """"Nirvana"""" scented candle. It smells like teen spirit.
"
209950,"[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn't help notice you were admiring my hand vests.
"
152928,"Why did they invent the shopping cart? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
"
167015,"Watching Mickey's Clubhouse with my 4yo and even he's asking why the hell would a duck like Donald need a life jacket.
"
103682,"Procrastinators be like; Sofa so good My attempt on pun
"
165473,"Why didn't Jarred order the meatball sub? Because he didn't like the size of the meatballs.
"
200110,"It's mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too... How do you expect him to  Instargram the food?
"
190817,"What do you give a sick microbe? Primordial soup
"
142073,"You've reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message. """"Hi it's the library. The book 'How to Steal Library Books' is now 1 week over...UH OH""""
"
29326,"Eating Halloween candy and ignoring the doorbell. A little game I like to call fuck you I paid for it.
"
206281,"I went through an expensive and painful procedure yesterday, having had my spine and both testicles removed. Still, some of the wedding presents were fantastic.
"
139167,"What do you call a blonde with half a brain?  Gifted!
"
189795,"Oxygen tried to pick a fight with Helium Helium didn't react at all, he simply rose above, Carbon was watching the whole thing and said, """"That's very noble of you""""
"
50718,"Sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.
"
113385,"""""Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?"""" (Dalai Lama job interview)
"
123450,"i feel wrong i think im having a dyslexic stroke. i cant smell anything on the left side of my body and i feel toast.
"
50153,"My wife uses an entire bottle of dish soap when she washes the dishes every night. Another day, another Dawn
"
139430,"The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
"
195430,"Went to a meeting for cat addicts last night. More nuns than I expected.
"
159280,"Did you hear about that amazing joke that Jesus told as he was dying? I don't know the joke, but apparently he nailed the execution.
"
157120,"What do you get if you cross an elephant with a fish? Swimming trunks
"
230818,"""""Hey look, a cemetery"""" Dad: """"People are just dyin' to get there.""""
"
165596,"Dyslexic, but I have a cunning stunt.
"
164967,"Husband: [sends text] We need to break up. Wife: [sends text] WTF! Husband: [sends text] Sorry. That was meant to go to someone else.
"
48727,"Losing a wife can be hard. In most cases it  is damned near impossible.
"
14991,"What would be a good dating site for rednecks ? MyHeritage.com
"
116219,"What's the difference between a horse and a 13 year old boy? The horse knows when I'm grooming him.
"
81927,"How do porcupines have sex? Very..................... . carefully.
"
196906,"Why are dead baby jokes so funny? They never grow old.
"
19348,"I hate when I put my open beer down and forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open beers.
"
136423,"One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
"
178441,"Homework is like a penis.... its long and hard unless you're asian.
"
62924,"Don't worry, you are safe Zombies eat brains
"
129384,"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture only needs one nail.
"
208486,"Still not sure how to throw away a pizza box.
"
95201,"I went to look at tents today. But I didn't buy one. There was nothing before them, there was no pre-tents.
"
145905,"I just saved a bunch of money by not paying any bills cuz I don't have a job.
"
164678,"Math is a drama queen. It can't seriously have that many problems.
"
110017,"I tried to join a local gang of thieves that were stealing supplies from Chinese restaurants in town. I don't think I made the cut though. They told me to go take a walk.
"
224421,"My facial hair is Italian and native American It's Apache
"
8739,"Why is Italy shaped like a boot? Well, can't fit that much shit in a sneaker!
"
165697,"Romeo and juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13 & 17 year old that caused 6 deaths. #readtheplay
"
112444,"What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke?
"
66840,"what do you call a lazy kangaroo? a pouch potato
"
222607,"French and Wars Why did the French have so many civil wars? So they could win one.
"
190674,"You know what they say about blind prostitutes... You really gotta hand it to them.
"
12994,"If there's someone in the aisle of something I need at the grocery store I don't need it anymore.
"
5343,"When a person says a book is so good they can't put it down, but yet, are not holding that book. This is why I have trust issues.
"
16982,"Why couldn't the artist get a driver's license? He gave off a good Impression, but couldn't make a Van Gogh.
"
131530,"Taking my dog to the park is the same as my checking Reddit... We check out all the posts and piss on half of them.
"
94731,"Why do polish people all have ski at the end of their name? Because they can't spell toboggan.
"
31693,"What do you get when you cross a pickle with a deer? A dill doe.
"
115818,"Why can't John complete a workout? He tried, but it didn't work out.
"
65884,"Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse's head in the sheets.
"
171864,"It might seem unusual to feed a horse using one's anus. Butt hay, who am I to judge?
"
208196,"What did Michael Jackson almost name his daughter? Nata-LEE-HEE!
"
24997,"Cell phone, I don't know why you keep capitalizing TEQUILA but I like the way you party.
"
108982,"What is it called when you kill a friend? Homiecide.... I'll^see^myself^out...
"
116314,"If I got a boyfriend I wouldn't know what to do... What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
"
227125,"Phil Spector's brother I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day. He's head of quality control at Walkers.
"
25733,"What's a pirate's favorite sexual partner? Can't legally consent because they're retarrrrrrrrded.
"
98891,"If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results
"
10334,"I can really only think of one thing worse than genocide. Jews.
"
145603,"Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr? Because it has cis-trust issues
"
164258,"Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? He worked it out with a pencil
"
196028,"Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed? He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.
"
21492,"Appalachian Dictionary Virgin: (noun) - A 12 year old girl that can run faster than her brother.
"
92955,"I try to work the song Uptown Funk into every conversation. Don't believe me? Just watch!
"
95999,"The Monkey Do you know why the monkey fell out of the tree because he was fucking dead.
"
71182,"How does Father Christmas request a four-way at a brothel? Ho ho ho
"
71780,"How does a Confederate flag and a rainbow flag differ? The latter represents people that win.
"
65898,"What's the sound of a water truck hitting a vinegar truck? KAAA DOOOUUCHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"
120771,"""""That 'Hanglider' bird is a tough sonofabitch..."""" """"... I had to shoot it 5 times before he let the man go""""
"
147675,"Son: I'm going to transform into an island off the coast of Italy! Mother: Don't be Sicily!
"
20884,"Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it's best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
"
47153,"Canada is 50% """"a""""
"
96235,"I'm going out with two anorexic girls, Two birds, one stone
"
153955,"Q: How do you fix a broken chimp? A: With a monkeywrench.
"
202060,"I've just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
"
150342,"Where are you when you're in the U.K. waiting for Vietnamese soup? Pho queue
"
140583,"I'm sorry you're just not NASA material """"Why?"""" Well, you wrote 'red' then crossed it out & put 'human' under blood type on your application.
"
42413,"Where can you find a turtle that has no legs? Exactly where you left it.
"
149570,"How do you tell a chemist no? Nitrogen Monoxide
"
126465,"What's the definition of apathy? I don't know, and I don't care.
"
8515,"Do you know what you call a nickle and a penny? The Sixth Cents
"
36103,"Just tried black coffee for the first time Not my cup of tea
"
80656,"""""Women are crazy!"""" """"Did one try to murder you unprovoked?"""" """"No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.""""
"
180733,"How long did it take for the police to catch the man running in his underwear? It was a brief chase...
"
58352,"I like my girls like my file system... FAT and 16.
"
58669,"I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.
"
213884,"Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn't burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
"
76383,"How many people does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Well, at least two, provided the lightbulb is big enough.
"
97471,"I had a stomach ache... My SO asked what's wrong, I said """"I have a clog in my intestines"""" she responds with """"you need to stop eating shoes""""
"
38337,"How do you fit an elephant in a subway.... you take the s out of sub and the f out of way
"
195370,"Why are there no jehovah's witnesses in Italy? The mafia doesn't like witnesses.
"
93212,"I almost bruised myself yesterday It was a missed ache
"
24251,"im back with another knee slapper !! """"i leterally did nazi see that coming! - an frank funny joke am i righte ??
"
22766,"Other people's children are my form of birth control.
"
5729,"There's 3 kinds of people in this world people who can count, and people who can't count
"
42690,"Obesity doesn't run in your family...No one runs in your family...
"
56324,"Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work
"
221084,"Facebook should have a relationship status called: Fu*k I don't know....Ask her
"
126044,"What book do you look in to find the best insults? A Dicktionary.
"
117884,"What did the man order at the Indian restaurant? It's Naan of your business.
"
159966,"Shoutout to... Shoutout to my grandpa because that's the only way he can hear
"
84927,"Intelligence is the new cleavage
"
131796,"Why did Lt. Lenk and Sgt. Colborn cross the road? To put the bones on the other side.
"
12156,"Whenever I hear about a kid getting in trouble with drugs, I like to tell him this story.
"
125647,"4 lawyers died in a car crash. Oops, sorry, wasn't supposed to put the punchline in the title.
"
96650,"Have you read the book """"100-mile Horse  Trek"""" Who wrote it? Major Bumsore
"
174918,"I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation. I'm scared shitless.
"
204202,"Why did the number one go to jail? 187
"
196909,"How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?
"
131792,"Adam &amp; Eve What did Adam say to Eve when She Threatened to Leave him? """"Can I Have My Rib Back?""""
"
139160,"A Muslim walks into a bar He then walks out because he can't drink and there are no tight little boys to fuck
"
102509,"What did Ernie say to Bert when he asked for ice-cream? Sure, Bert!
"
7569,"Why was Santa sacked two days before Christmas? Elf and safety
"
103747,"What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus
"
181708,"Women are like raincoats. In a box in my attic marked """"raincoats.""""
"
227423,"If Hilary Clinton and Donald trump go on a stranded island together who survives? America.
"
426,"A photon walks into a hotel The bell boy walks up and asks, """"Do you have any luggage?"""". """"No,"""" says the photon, """"I'm traveling light.""""
"
82385,"My girlfriend just introduced me to the parents. As if I've never met my own mum and dad before.
"
3081,"You can get out of jury duty on the first day by blatantly winking at the defendant as you give them a double thumbs up.
"
17160,"Q: What kind of court order would be placed on a pig in order to prevent it from taking a specific course of action? A: An inj-oink-tion.
"
186017,"You know how I deal with migraines? I store them in migranary.
"
152790,"Q: Why did Hitler cry when he got to heaven? A: God gave him his gas bill.
"
191136,"What do you call it when you kill someone with your bad breath from a long distance away? No scope
"
131050,"I tried running once. But I kept spilling my beer.
"
113077,"""""Use divorce, Luke."""" """""""" Obi Wan, marriage counselor
"
76239,"One of my friends maintains that tomorrow doesn't come until you've have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. He also maintains that it's September 7th, 1998.
"
46110,"Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok. Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.
"
75878,"Hey baby, lemme see what's under that shell. Ugh, as if. *Lady turtle starts walking away.* [3 hours later] I still see you there baby.
"
122434,"What do you call a brown guy in between two buildings? Ali.
"
38387,"Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.
"
110148,"What did the dad buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison
"
11508,"I was told that tipping your server is normal in America But apparently this will get you fired as a systems administrator.
"
145933,"Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
"
187447,"So a blind man walked into a bar.. It really hurt
"
7447,"I just got carded at Forever 21. This is bullshit!
"
45436,"My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
"
93319,"""""How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?"""" - Not in a kids movie, dude. """"Ok, but it's puppy skin?"""" - Oh, then YES!
"
220938,"""""Bro! You remembered our bronniversary! How bromantic."""" -Bromosexuals
"
78024,"A crab, a tuna, a lobster, and a Chinese man being run over by a steam roller. What doesn't belong? The Tuna, since all of the others are crushedasians.
"
45035,"What's the difference between men and women? Agenda
"
199890,"Scientists have identified the dog particle. It is a good particle. Such a good particle yes it is. Does it want a treatsy weatsy yes it doe
"
204687,"Bet you didn't notice the the word the' has been said twice. 
"
121492,"Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere: You've been volunteered as a chaperone
"
158928,"How are women like condoms? They spend 99% of their time in your wallet, and the other 1% on your dick.
"
32520,"What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? The look on their face when you're nailing them.
"
166071,"I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.
"
185632,"What do you call 30 gay guys buttfucking in a circle? A creme-filled donut.
"
148273,"Wife just looked at an 8""""x8"""" picture and estimated it to be 12""""x12"""". Perhaps you can see why I consider this a good thing.
"
162419,"Why was the little black kid with diarrhea crying? Because he thought he was melting.
"
218151,"Why is it quicker to build a snowman than a snowwoman? It takes too long to hollow out her head. (I got this one from my uncle)
"
3470,"Atilla the Hun, Adolf Hitler and a lawyer are stranded with you on a island ... - and you have a gun with only 2 bullets, who do you shoot? -- The lawyer twice.
"
153582,"Have you seen the movie """"Constipation""""? That's because it hasn't come out.
"
208349,"Q: What's red and not there? A: No tomatoes.
"
182225,"When you see geese flying in V formation, have you ever noticed that one side of the V is longer than the other? Well, there's a reason for that. There are more geese on that side.
"
226446,"How did the jury find the hamburger? Grill-ty as charred!
"
145218,"I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.
"
92582,"Dad asks his kids what the third planet from the sun is called? Kids: - Earth! Dad: - Yeah, but it has another name. Kids: - Oh, dad. We don't know! Tell us! Dad: - Exactly! [drops mic]
"
71064,"Thanks, Santa! I totally wanted a hangover!
"
171114,"Chuck Norris' prostate is used to examine doctor's fingers.
"
108924,"Did you know humans are born with four kidneys? Two of them grow into adult knees.
"
136268,"My mom wants 3-D eye surgery to see 3-D movies without glasses. I told her they don't exist. She doesn't care. Operation's next Tuesday.
"
216053,"How do you jerk off a sprinter? Pull a fast one.
"
206497,"the bible is an attempt to mansplain our existence
"
97711,"What do you call a girl who likes men with small d**ks? Your girlfriend!
"
155708,"a man (almost) worked at google A man went for a job interview at google. When he got the job, he got up and shouted """"YAHOO!"""" the man was fired immediately.
"
55568,"Annoying couples on social media What is an annoying couple's favorite sport? Bae-sball
"
209122,"Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
"
102245,"What will Putin have for thanksgiving dinner? Turkey
"
86208,"When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
"
222510,"Corrected: What do you call India's top TV Show? Dan Singh with the Sitars
"
205505,"My doctor told me I had to stop masturbating. I asked, """"Why?"""" He replied, """"Because I'm trying to examine you.""""
"
101065,"Dolphins are the most philosophical of all marine mammals... They send most of their lives searching for a porpoise
"
106922,"What did the ruthless businessman say to  his employees? If at first you don't succeed - you're fired!
"
108098,"What did the doctor say when his patient said """"I think I'm two spoons!"""" """"Shut the fork up.""""
"
132008,"Now that the new bills have Harriet Tubman on them... if you put one on a television does that make it a tele-tubbie?
"
2513,"The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it's definition.
"
11231,"I was shocked to walk in on my son playing with his privates... Those toy soldiers were supposed to be his surprise birthday gift...
"
96236,"A horse walks into a bar. A horse walks into a bank. A horse drives a car. Welcome to horse country. There's shit everywhere please help us.
"
40561,"What's the code name for a nitrogen molecule? Double 07.
"
87132,"What is green and has wheels on it? A grass parking lot.
"
142232,"I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what's going on and there's a lot of sex and wine drinking.
"
104075,"What is the first rule of Woman`s fight club? Never tell anyone what are you so mad about
"
70360,"Why did the condom fly away? It got pissed off.
"
84407,"Why did the skeleton go alone to prom? Because he had *nobody* to go with.
"
120291,"What planet smells the worst? Poopiter. This joke courtesy of my 7 year old son. He was very proud of it.
"
128084,"I bought a universal remote today. I was disappointed to find out that it does not, in fact, control the universe. Not even remotely.
"
97577,"Let's play a game: If you were stranded forever on a desert island and had only one book of Russian literature, how would you kill yourself?
"
86693,"Why was Luis Suarez expelled from the rap contest? Because he was biting.
"
108836,"Did you hear about the group of geologists? They formed a Rock Band.
"
168176,"Wife: """"Too bad my tits aren't keyboards, maybe they'd get some attention!"""" Me: """"Your tits are fine, its your bitch personality""""
"
79043,"What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
"
218585,"An oldie for the road This randomly popped into my head at work and as I started saying it, my boss finished it. *Twats* that? I *cunt* hear you. *Tits* okay. I'll *finger* it out later.
"
70098,"Men are like frogs, the most important thing is to jump on faster.
"
26847,"My Grandfather died in a concetration camp. He fell out of a really tall guard tower. so sad r.i.p
"
142668,"How would you describe your past work? [Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar] -Change management.
"
52192,"Why can't you fart in an apple car? It doesn't have windows.
"
115674,"I spilled coffee on my laptop. now it won't go into sleep mode..
"
21228,"How many Mormons do you take fishing with you? Two. If you only take one, he'll drink all your beer.
"
102839,"I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
"
195618,"What happens to an Asian guy when they run into a wall with a full erection? They break their nose!
"
103327,"What is Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg's favorite facebook game? Candy Kush.
"
151053,"Can't you just feel the excitement in the air?!!? Only one more day left until the start of the 2020 Presidential Election Season!!
"
159233,"- How many Iraqis does it take to launch a  Scud missile? - Two. One to launch it one to watch CNN to find out where it landed.
"
207011,"Why was the diamond depressed? He had been under a lot of pressure lately.
"
66825,"Had a terrifying lucid dream of getting stabbed and slashed from behind with a huntersknife & people making fun of me for being uneasy after
"
210427,"Me: *empties 4's maracas 4: *shakes maracas* They're broken Me: Oh no.. What happend?
"
199769,"Why does The Rock love Sonic the Hedgehog? ***""""IT DOESN'T MATTER""""!***
"
178582,"Sports: The legal way to buy a black person.
"
141605,"A Chinese girl was pregnant at the age of 14. Her name was Sum Yong Ho.
"
187149,"How can you tell when a bicycist comes to a complete stop? He puts his foot down.
"
28400,"A parakeet that won't shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
"
25394,"Revenge is never as satisfying as you'd hope And the cops always come sooner then you expect
"
80450,"Wanna hear a good one? The current choices America has for the job of president.
"
49959,"Music is best when it's louder than I can think.
"
83354,"An old married couple talk sex. Wife: What ever happened to our sex relations? Husband: I don't know, they don't even send Christmas cards anymore.
"
3772,"I just purchased duct tape at the Dollar Store to fix all of the other shit I bought at the Dollar Store. Life is going exactly as planned.
"
45830,"50% of Canada Is the letter A
"
64355,"2 flies are sitting on a piece of poop, one cuts a fart; what did the other one say? Hey come on, I'm eating here!
"
61632,"I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
"
157048,"Why do black people go to church? Because the father is actually there.
"
186991,"Why shoudn't you take you Pokemon cards to the shower? Cuz Pikachu might Pik a Chu
"
229888,"What is dark, invades you in your sleep, and starts with N-I-G? Nightmares you racist.
"
116286,"What did the 0 say to the 8? Let's make a snowman!
"
106797,"Reasons to date me: 1) 2) 3) please?
"
103194,"The only """"B"""" word women should be called is... is beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
"
117198,"What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons? Jose and Josb
"
53325,"Monogamy First, do no harem.
"
114919,"""""Let the Bodies Hit the Floor"""" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.
"
127789,"What word has the most letters in it? Postbox.
"
99153,"""""Are you ok?"""" """"No, I'm bleeding because its fun.""""
"
204619,"A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital. """"This will be the most hazardous section in the hospital for you. The men on this floor are almost well.""""
"
51471,"Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?
"
8269,"Why do black's have white skin on the bottom of their feet and the palm of their hands? Everyone needs a little bit of good inside them.
"
11528,"Bono and the Edge walk into a bar... The bartender looks up at them and says """"Oh, not you two again."""".
"
150059,"If your dad wrote the Bible, who would he have building the ark? Not sure who he would have, but I Noah guy.
"
92171,"The Mafia secret What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
"
128155,"Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.
"
72335,"if i was a character in a horror movie i would try to finish whatever i'm eating before i die
"
213807,"""""10 Things I Hate About You"""" is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
"
153876,"What type of movies can't batman see? Parental Guidance.
"
195863,"What do Islamist extremists eat for breakfast? French toast
"
179137,"The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
"
80953,"Is Google male or female? Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
"
229539,"After cribbing about yet another one of my Pranks, I told my girlfriend that she """"Can't take a Joke"""" """"I let u put your cock in me don't I""""  she replied.
"
198080,"I hate hearing jokes about midgets and roller coasters. They usually come up short.
"
201463,"How does a fetus like it's amniotic fluid? At womb temperature!
"
130413,"How do you stop a 6'4"""" 300lb black kid from charging? You take away his EBT card.
"
59227,"What do you call a Gay Dinosaur? A Megasaurus
"
74667,"The other day, after much trial and error, I successfully became completely weightless... I was like, 0mg!
"
230175,"What did the Nihilist whisper into his lover's ear? Sweet Nothings.
"
190069,"Guy tells his doctor """"Every time I look in the mirror, I get an erection."""" Doc says """" That's because you look like a pussy""""
"
40299,"My girlfriend is really loud during sex. I don't know why, she knows nobody is coming to help her.
"
170357,"What did the Iraqi boy say to his father when he got home from school? I forgot my Bagdad.
"
123928,"What is green and smells like bacon? ... Kermit's finger
"
92735,"How are Michael Jackson and McDonalds similar? They both put 40 year old meat in between 8 year old buns.
"
61497,"I don't have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
"
67877,"How many roaches does it take to screw in a light bulb? 2 but how they got in the light bulb I will never know
"
193304,"My gym teacher said get in line or ill tip a cow. i asked """"how much money are you gonna tip the cow?""""
"
162332,"No one wants to be the sofa king But they all think they're sofa king funny.
"
230962,"Crap tonight is day lights savings and we loose an hour of sleep On the bright side we get an extra hour of light
"
109839,"George W Bush looked exactly like a chimpanzee, and Michelle Obama has the face of a gorilla... The White House should be the name of the monkey exhibit at the Washington DC Zoo!
"
89763,"I'm a virgin but I have sex sometimes
"
192257,"Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, """"Sorry, no professionals.""""
"
18029,"""""Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.."""" Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
"
28939,"What's the driest joke you ever heard of? Your mom's pussy
"
10572,"How does a feminist know she's overweight? She doesn't
"
154624,"""""We need to kill the terrorist NOW"""" But how.. """"The human body is 70% water"""" Jesus, you know what to do *terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
"
86212,"It could be the wine talking, but I used to be grapes.
"
204280,"What is the big difference between chopped pork and pea soup? Everybody can chop pork but nobody can pea soup.
"
174220,"How do you get 50 old ladies to yell """"fuck""""? Have one old lady yell """"bingo""""
"
152173,"Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you'd be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don't need to call the police.
"
226914,"Say what you want about my sex life... I'm not having it.
"
12886,"What are the four food groups? For bachelors: Fast Frozen Junk and Spoiled. For drinkers: Malt Hops Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine Fat Sugar Chocolate.
"
1157,"Why did the vulture get kicked off the flight? He brought the wrong carrion.
"
157168,"Can't sleep because I'm afraid I'm going to miss the apocalypse.
"
113955,"What do you call a young Israeli boy? Jew-nior
"
89908,"What do you call a politician with premature ejaculation? A one-pump Trump
"
114268,"Throwing acid is wrong. In some people's eyes.
"
191984,"What's the most popular pickup line in gay bars? Can I push your stool in?
"
56010,"Hi Officer I was pulled over one day and the officer looked at me ask asked """"How high are you?"""" I laughed and said """"No officer, you said it wrong, it's Hi how are you""""
"
70086,"DO YOU EVEN LIFT BRO? I do take the lift sir.
"
132797,"Anyone know a good roofer? Nevermind, the glass ceiling didn't get smashed...
"
103600,"Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
"
3684,"Bathroom mirrors are either the luckiest or the unluckiest objects in the house.
"
34420,"How many dead hookers do you need to change a light bulb? Dunno. Seven's not the answer though, my basement is still dark
"
194495,"What do you do on a date with a feminist? Split the bill.
"
193508,"My wife just opened my car door for me. Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
"
42773,"DAD: You're adapted. SCREENPLAY: What?!
"
110452,"What do the Toronto Maple Leafs and the Titanic have in common? They both look good until they hit the ice.
"
165939,"What's the worst part about seeing 4 black people go off a cliff in a Cadillac? Cadillac seats 5.
"
2863,"*bank* 'miss, it says here that your debt is outstanding' *twirls hair* oh yeah? well i think your debt is pretty cool too
"
186418,"Which animal has a dick on its back? Police horse
"
225968,"Who is the best underwater Transformer? Octopus Prime!
"
33978,"being narcoleptic is so boring it's snooze worthy :) :) :)
"
55496,"What is Trump going to build to detain illegal Mexican immigrants if he becomes President? Juantanamo bay
"
125696,"What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his arse? Warren
"
12972,"It looks like trees are all flamboyantly coming out of the closet before they die for the winter
"
151239,"How do you know if a joke has been posted on reddit before? Oh, they'll tell you.
"
77247,"*a dripping wet Kurt Cobain stumbles out of his garage* """"OK WHO REPLACED MY GUN WITH A SUPERSOAKER""""
"
84217,"Q: Why did the lady and her attorney seek a scarlet frock as part of a settlement? A: Because she wanted a red dress for her grievances.
"
70976,"Coworker:I'll take care if it. *Translation* You're gonna take care of it. You just don't know it yet.
"
205074,"Patient: """"What do you mean, 10? Doctor: """"I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."""" Patient: """"What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"""" Doctor: """"Nine.""""
"
143359,"Do you want to join the """"P"""" club? Congratulations, ur-ine!
"
199606,"According to WebMD, I have a Client Error due to 400 Bad Request.
"
215704,"When villainy didn't pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
"
200155,"A limerick for Guildford in Surrey At McDonald's in Guildford in Surrey I spilt coffee on my crotch in a scurry I had to act quick To cool down my dick So I stuck it into my McFlurry
"
186522,"If your restaurant order starts with a question, I already hate you.
"
201411,"Your plastic surgery looks amazing. Your rotting, lifeless corpse is going to look so young. The other corpses will be so jealous.
"
140686,"Why you don't ask grandma sex questions I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, """"No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.""""
"
114280,"What do cats read Mewspapers
"
170315,"What's the difference between a school teacher and a train? A school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, a train says choo choo.
"
54338,"Yo mama so skinny she turned sideways and  dissapeared.
"
196431,"What's the best language for jokes? Punjabi.
"
177939,"Money doesn't buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It's impossible to be sad on a jet ski.
"
146024,"How do you keep an amish girl happy? Two men a night.
"
44711,"What's the most commonly misspelt blood group? Type-O
"
101727,"A somewhat amusing joke Did you hear about the Mexican train killer? He had LOCOmotives
"
228021,"McCain Will Buy Houses From Needy Owners Of Beachfront Mansions- """"If The Price Is Right""""
"
218987,"Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, he's grown ass man and fishing isn't that hard.
"
60342,"Bill Cosby likes pudding his dick where it doesn't belong.
"
281,"Ethiopian Cuisine... is a bit bland. It tastes like nothing.
"
169564,"If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he'll shoot, tell my family I died a hero... #hero #cootertales
"
144872,"""""I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!"""" - Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
"
146010,"Someone asked me how I view lesbian relationships. Apparently """"in HD"""" isn't the right answer.
"
206326,"That went swimmingly And I can't swim.
"
89438,"The two secrets of life 1. Don't tell everyone everything you know.
"
197691,"A useless blood vessel is found dead It died in vein
"
206328,"What's ISIS favourite meal? Turkey! Its the bomb!
"
88399,"[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet] *hands cash to lady Ma'am my baby isn't for sale. I SAID I'LL TAKE TWO!!
"
61694,"Why is it that at class reunions  you feel younger than everyone else looks?
"
50322,"I will tell you a racist mexican joke in three, two, Juan...
"
228207,"What goes Blonde Brunette Blonde Brunette ? A blonde doing cartwheels.
"
99891,"What saying is discouraged in both the USA and North Korea? The South Will Rise Again
"
51601,"I became a Jew today Only in it for the money.
"
135730,"What does an antisemite say when he rolls five of a kind? """"Nazi!""""
"
74883,"i don't know how to flirt so i am just going to stare at you until you marry me
"
135595,"How can you tell when a mechanic has had sex? When one of his fingers is clean.
"
40302,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Amos ! Amos who ? Amos-quito!kn
"
31875,"You may be able to drive but do you Avocado
"
21558,"Why did the Jews hate the holocaust? Because it """"caust"""" them 6 million.
"
208916,"I'm going to do 100 lunges with my left leg within 2 minutes. It's going to be very challunging.
"
111542,"Where do you find a one legged dog? NSFW Wherever you fucking left him
"
56987,"so a guy with a premature ejaculations problem comes out of nowhere
"
171991,"What's the most popular sports channel in Mexico? ESPNOL
"
112134,"Why is the door knob? Because the key. (ok, i will show myself out)
"
101539,"In a recent drug use quiz at work, I won. Nobody got higher than me.
"
69656,"Did you hear that Napoleon broke the Sphinx's nose with a singe shot? It was a one-hit wonder. I'll show myself out.
"
184629,"Susan froze to death. She was cremated It's what she would have wanted.
"
67966,"My Dad's last words I'll never forget the last words my dad said on 9/11 """"Allahu Akbar""""
"
105443,"[teaching my 3yo the alphabet] """"Ok what's a word that starts with Q"""" cucumber """"That's uh... I don't... let's pick this up again tomorrow""""
"
175520,"put the punch line in the title how do you piss off reddit?
"
57627,"""""OH MY GOD YOU'RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I'M A DOG TOO"""" - dogs
"
114663,"What does a racist drink to wake himself up every morning? A KKK-Cup!
"
145732,"[on date] *okay don't let her know you're a T-Rex* Her: Can you pass the salt please? Me: Crap...
"
41680,"Sometimes when I'm riding in an uber, I like to request another uber. Instant car chase.
"
81543,"Heard about the baby seal who walked into a club? ba doom doom cha!
"
122225,"Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
"
194703,"""""Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom"""" the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
"
218046,"If you had ten minutes to list off all the best Mumford & Sons songs, what would you do with the extra 9 minutes and 55 seconds?
"
110471,"Childhood obesity is on the rise and so is underage sex.. What I want to know is who's fucking all these fat kids.
"
114854,"I probably should kill myself Because I want to leave the same way I came. By my own hand.
"
27139,"Spilled my bottle of sleeping pills, and now they're wide awake.
"
99696,"Getting a tub. Filling it with cookies. Pouring milk over it. Pretending to eat a giant's cereal. Horrifying my wife.
"
120523,"Why did the French chef commit suicide? He lost the huile d'olive.
"
144351,"What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend? He lost it.
"
112436,"barista: name for the latte? me: it's Zach with an """"h"""" *two minutes later* barista: i've got a latte for Hach
"
219080,"How did Lex Luthor hide his money laundering from superman? He used a krypton-currency.
"
139285,"Who would you ask for advice about a lion? a lion or a gerbil? The lion, because by virtue of being a lion, a lion is an expert on lions.
"
84840,"Godzilla, Mothra, and Battra all walk into a bar... The building owner must now pay $100,000 due to property damage.
"
62668,"Cats and Dogs Did you know cats are smarter than dogs? Dogs can't take x-rays, but cats can.
"
134704,"How does Dallas Cowboys fans change a lightbulb? They don't... they just talk about how good the old one was.
"
222109,"Dating tip: Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she'll find you
"
91082,"My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. . . My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him """"What was the name of his other leg?""""
"
33513,"Newark International Airport: You want urine on the floor? We got urine on the floor!
"
219074,"Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn't go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
"
178383,"I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended. Chemo patients are so sensitive.
"
160093,"What do you call a bear in the rain? A drizzly bear
"
143589,"When I woke up this morning I was like, """"I really can't stay"""" but my bed was like, """"Baby, it's cold outside.""""
"
76077,"Hear about the guy whose brother cut off his leg below the ankle? Treachery was a foot.
"
98882,"When I went to church today I farted So I sat in pew
"
50424,"Today is the day I go back to the gym. Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
"
126357,"Proof that road construction workers are lazy They're always just [milling](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pavement_milling) about!
"
107365,"My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I'll murder him.
"
102066,"What is a pirates favorite letter? You may think it's R but it actually be the mighty C
"
71114,"Tonight you will be bound and beaten until you almost loose consciousness and your tear ducts are dry Sorry wrong sub
"
169396,"What kind of pastry do you need a thesaurus to eat? Synonym rolls
"
95451,"NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values. ME:Like Disney movies? NC:Exactly. ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China? NC:...
"
113111,"Her: 911, what's your emerge- Me: SOMEONE'S WEARING CROCS! Her: Sir, that's not an em- Me: WITH A FANNY PACK! Her: I'll send an officer.
"
37296,"Did you hear about the curbs going on strike? They're lining the streets in protest
"
180145,"My Muslim girlfriend broke up with me the other day. She'll come to regret it. She just doesn't know what jihad.
"
226633,"My Grandparents bought a new China set... They asked me what I thought of it... I said it was fine...
"
1089,"A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gives it to her
"
46322,"I hate it when I think I'm buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they're just REGULAR donuts.
"
210598,"What's the difference between a dead baby and a table? You can't fuck a table.
"
88209,"What do you get when you go scuba diving with your iPhone 6 The bends.
"
152440,"Hey there's this new diet that can help lose pounds fast! Its called the Brexit
"
142076,"I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's 7 years in a row now.
"
20916,"I asked a chinese girl for her number She said, """"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"""" I said, """"Wow!"""" Then her friend said, """"She means 666-3629.""""
"
17391,"""""yo Adam, Eve, don't eat from that tree ok?"""" """"Why God?"""" """"CUZ I INSTALLED THIS SWEET BURGER KING BRO"""" """"AW HELL YEAH"""" *God & Adam chest bump*
"
206820,"What do you call a man that stabs many packets of Cornflakes? A Cereal Killer.
"
69925,"If the opposite of """"pro"""" is """"con""""... What's the opposite of progress?
"
138399,"How do you know when your girlfriend is to young? When you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.
"
42145,"Dad: Son.. Get me that Doptid Son: What's a Doptid Dad : You are...
"
160762,"How do you say """"bra"""" in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
"
28039,"Housekeeper &gt;I am a wonderful housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
"
204633,"Why do mathematician never go to the beach? Because they got sin and cos to give them a tan
"
228619,"Pros and cons of guys Cons: they're dicks Pros: their dicks
"
79697,"A dad walks into a room seeing his daughter masterbating with a cucumber. He said: """"I was gonna eat that, now it taste like cucumber""""
"
157870,"A vegan, an atheist, and a crossfitter walk into a bar... They've all heard this joke before.
"
6566,"what do you call a racist Mexican a member of the que que que
"
118574,"Did you hear about the Mexican carpet salesman? He was sacked for only selling Underlay!
"
110356,"How can you tell that the stage is level? The drummer is drooling out of *both* sides of his mouth.
"
176053,"I would tell you a pizza joke... ...but it's too cheesy.
"
167045,"What do Arabs and the Japanese have in common ? They both like bombs
"
148875,"What do you call a cow that stopped producing milk? An udder failure.
"
140795,"Make sure to pay your Exorcist on time, because otherwise... ...They'll repossess your home.
"
102386,"What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up? Its axle rose.
"
24575,"Me: Where were you supposed to poop? 2-year-old: The potty. Me: So why didn't you? 2: I'm too busy.
"
195861,"Mexico should agree to pay for the wall then once it's built tell Trump he did a terrible job and refuse to pay up.
"
71208,"Donald Trump says he has a great relationship with the blacks But unless the blacks is the name of a white family, that's probably not the case --Seth Meyers
"
118461,"What's Hitler's least favorite planet? Jewpiter
"
100372,"(Super Smash Bros. Joke) Why do waiters like a good Marth player? He tips well.
"
116594,"[date started at 9 pm] [9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences. [10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
"
40474,"1) Lick tip. 2) Stick it in gently. 3) Pump 12-20 times. 4) Sweat profusely. 5) Pull out gently. -Instructions on inflating a basketball.
"
61140,"I just want you all to know, whatever problems you might be having, I'm here to like' them.
"
77298,"You can actually drink lava! but only once.
"
187864,"Hey guys just wanted to let you guys know that I'm vegan
"
213574,"INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you're good at small talk? ME: yes INTERVIEWER: holy shit
"
114217,"Q: How many politicians does it take to  change a lightbulb ? A: Two. One to change it and another one to change it back again.
"
173466,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? It will take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick.
"
124987,"I can't get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
"
212243,"They say you are what you eat... I guess that makes me human
"
149008,"People tell me soup is better with flavor cubes. But I don't put a lot of stock in that. Because of it, though, I was the victim of a lot of boullion.
"
56481,"Do let me know if you're ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You're welcome :)
"
985,"What do my wife and a chest freezer have in common? The exterior is hot, but its cold as ice inside.
"
27203,"what fandom, despite only 1 book in the franchise, has been obsesing over it since the begeinning? christianity
"
71052,"What do mentally retarded parents give their kids? Hand me Downs.
"
157769,"What's the best part about living in Switzerland? Beats me, but the flag's a big plus.
"
71776,"LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.
"
21035,"Chuck Norris does not eat honey, he eats bees.
"
39108,"Where do you take a sick horse? To the Horspital!
"
59196,"*Ok, don't let them know you're a dog* Him: The job is yours. Here's the keys to your new office. [tosses keys] *catches keys in my mouth*
"
173822,"What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? a Lickalottapus
"
69446,"A construction worker comes home from work. He tells his wife, """"Honey, I cut off my finger today."""" She replies, """"The whole finger!?"""" He says, """"No, the one right next to it.""""
"
76228,"I'm addicted to poverty If my bank account has money in it I suffer withdrawal.
"
22953,"What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
"
91374,"I tried to catch a bunch of fog this morning. Mist
"
34177,"I need ideas for April fools day pranks to play on my SO
"
18801,"I was so ugly when I was born, The doctor smacked my mother!
"
79759,"Who is a golfers favorite singer? ...birdy :P
"
113237,"The Runaway Horse by Gay Topen
"
33853,"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? Walking. JK Rowling.
"
225625,"Babies for dinner What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a ferrari? I don't have a ferrari in my garage!
"
82738,"Stop Hammertime
"
132400,"What happens when you turn a cashew in to the police? You bust a nut
"
126966,"I'm sorry I broke your finger, but seriously, what did you expect would happen when you tried to eat the last two fries off my plate?
"
77956,"Two muffins are in an oven One turns to the other and says """"So how are we going to get out of here?"""" The other screams """"GAH! A TALKING MUFFIN!""""
"
65889,"Why did users stop coming to r/jokes? Because their jokes weren't very funny.
"
66737,"What song do burgers sing on the  job? Gristle While You Work!
"
70649,"Incest... A game the whole family can play!
"
3959,"I told my doctor i was scared and nervous when i got tested for HIV... He said 'Just calm down and try to think positive.'
"
31665,"What do you call a poo which still remains after flushing? An **UFO** - **U**nflushable **F**loating **O**bject
"
121210,"Say """"Literally"""" and """"Legit"""" a few more times in that sentence so I know it's literally legit
"
156661,"In California... Did you know that in California you cannot take a picture of a woman with a basket of strawberries? ...you need a camera because strawberries do not take pictures.
"
157368,"Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.
"
15368,"How do you poison a hipster? Gluten
"
227499,"Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear... [2 days later] *Caesar opens mailbox* """"oh FFS Van Gogh IT'S A SAYING!!!!!'
"
74631,"Grape Joke What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe!
"
221257,"I don't think Muslims go far enough.... I don't think Muslims go far enough in killing people who draw images of the prophet Mohammed. I think they should kill people who are named after him as well.
"
70422,"My wife said she wouldn't have sex with me until I did everything on the """"To-Do list"""" So I scratched out **#1** """"*Wash the car*"""" and replaced it with """"*Have a three-some with Becky and Wife*""""
"
192387,"The women who are attracted to me all have one thing in common...[your punchline here] write your own punchline
"
144350,"The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common """"enemy"""".
"
113097,"I like my women like I like my moose Big, brown, and horny
"
141153,"What do you get if you cross a Fish and an Elephant? Swimming Trunks.
"
25094,"Two high dudes meet... """"What's your name?"""" """"Jack without a V."""" """"There's no V in Jack."""" """"That's what I just said.""""
"
189342,"The doctor gave a man six months to live. And when he couldn't pay his bills, he gave him six more.
"
204555,"What did Ryu say when he was taking a dump?... """"IMMM-DUKEN!'""""
"
177760,"If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
"
81489,"What do my relationships and fat people have in common? They never work out.
"
25047,"I'm not racist, but black people sure were nicer before the civil rights movement.
"
110859,"a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say """"they've escaped. don't run. just walk very fast.""""
"
35467,"My Social Studies classes never taught me relevant social topics like """"How to ask a girl out,"""" """"How much to pay her,"""" or """"Will HIV kill me?""""
"
99718,"Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day anal sex makes your hole weak.
"
48057,"How do you say """"No, I'm full"""" in Grandmother?
"
64967,"A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: """"Go swimming, the water's great! And there's no sharks! P.S. this wasn't written by a shark""""
"
36080,"Why do people with heart disease always lose at poker? They have to take ACE inhibitors.
"
37558,"What did the lesbian rattlesnake say to Hillary after they finished making love? """"You know, they're right . . . we do taste like chicken!""""
"
197070,"What do you call an ex-Muslim? A Waslim
"
189126,"I am so lazy I thought about looking at the super moon and decided 2033 isn't even that far away
"
172352,"Burning love What kind of erection does a burn victim get? Firewood.
"
170240,"What do call the two midgets who ran an impound lot? Little Seizers
"
128429,"I called a colleague inviting him to an orgy. He asked how many people will be there. I said """" if you and your wife come, there will be three of us.""""
"
61815,"I didn't see you at the camouflage competition private. """"THANK YOU, SIR""""
"
189504,"You ever hear the joke about the 3 holes in the back yard? Well well well....
"
127578,"Yo mama's like a brick..... dirty, flat on both sides, and always getting laid by Mexicans.
"
84838,"I was sad when I learned Steve Irwin died... .. but at least he died the same way he lived: with animals in his heart.
"
122724,"I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
"
84985,"Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday
"
16203,"You all know any good masturbation jokes? C'mon, I bet we can crank some out.
"
101068,"Man have three potatoes in latvia Is joke, such is life.
"
86339,"I want one of those jobs where people ask, """"Do you actually get paid for doing this?""""
"
13911,"A muslim, a communist, and an illegal immigrant walk into a bar. The bartender says hello Mr. President.
"
135318,"The story of Snow White teaches us something very important: NEVER eat fruit.
"
42718,"Why did the violinist go to jail? For fingering A Minor.
"
223076,"I choked on viagra this morning. I had a stiff neck for hours.
"
162447,"My husband picks fights with me like he doesn't even value half of all his assets.
"
199969,"Q: Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake? A: Because snakes make lots of strikes.
"
30314,"Oh no, a subtweet. You got me.
"
179794,"Where do people with ADHD go? To concentration camps.
"
198391,"Excuse me waiter, I didn't ask for dessert. I asked for DESERT. Now get me a bowl of sand and a baby camel.
"
121591,"What does an Eskimo do if his house falls down? Igloos it back together.
"
223552,"Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.
"
148697,"It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
"
88972,"Teacher: What is Ba + Na2? Pupil: Banana.
"
193407,"I made a line of soda called Bad Wifi It's not doing so well, everyone keeps saying it isn't refreshing.
"
217405,"I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
"
109873,"When is it okay to kick a midget in the balls? ...When he tells you that your wife's hair smells good.
"
211987,"John Fogerty's """"Centerfield"""" makes no sense. I'm pretty sure he'd fly first-class.
"
178654,"I have body of a 25 year old supermodel But it takes too much space in my freezer
"
90317,"Eating pussy is like subway eat fresh.
"
135150,"I'm gonna make a good dad one day... Lady Friend: """"I'm in Times Squares!"""" Me: """"Did you just text me an incomplete math problem?"""" Lady Friend: """"You can barely do algebra...""""
"
33489,"Your mother is like a Christmas raffle. $1 a strip.
"
84686,"Girl, me without you is like the History Channel without World War Two.
"
95143,"What's the best thing about Alzheimer's? You meet new people every day.
"
20987,"Where did Ronda Rousey learn how to take a punch? Holm School
"
167532,"No matter what anyone said, I was never going to take the stand. It's 1000 pages, for Pete's sake!
"
100987,"Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend's place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
"
218569,"How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. She holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.
"
212637,"I wonder how much more I would have time to accomplish in my life if hotel lamp switches were always in the same place.
"
183653,"The TSA doesn't take compliments well... All I said was that the TSA was the **BOMB** and they wouldn't let me leave!
"
156711,"I never feel guilty about eating baby carrots because it's not like adult carrots are doing anything great with their lives.
"
110033,"What did the liberal say to the chicken? Nothing. He's dead. He was shot and killed in a home invasion and did not have any guns to defend himself. Sarah Palin 2016
"
183012,"Now taking pre-orders for my """"Running after the Ice Cream Truck"""" fitness workout DVD.
"
113214,"How does the KKK celebrate gay pride? With a LGBBQ.
"
23081,"What do you call an easy-going rabbit?  Hoppy-go-lucky.
"
82708,"Q: Mom's have Mother's Day Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? A: Palm Sunday.
"
16729,"What kind of soldier doesn't need bullets? The kind of soldier that's always shooting his mouth off.
"
123205,"There is only two man made objects visible from space. The great wall of china and, Kim Jong Un's giant ass. cmon guys I cant do this all by myself.
"
210674,"I returned some shorts to Walmart and bought a pizza, with the credit I had received, to share with my wife... She kinda ate my shorts.
"
216354,"Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
"
124421,"""""Oh my god!"""" responded the mother as she heard the news. """"Will my son be an alkyne forever?"""" """"It's even worse,"""" the doctor said, """"he's terminal.""""
"
164785,"Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word """"stop.""""
"
90795,"When is the Speech Therapy Class? It's hard to say.
"
130662,"My brother just updated his status to """"I love my girlfriend <3"""". I always knew he liked them young, but that is f*cking ridiculous.
"
53571,"My lesbian neighbors got me a Rolex for Christmas I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
"
34247,"What do you call an exploding box? Your new Note 7 package
"
7232,"I can't wait until humans move to a new planet and someone says, 'Remember having 24-hour days?' and some jerk responds, 'First world problems.' -Geoffrey Asmus
"
94676,"It would be so much more """"festive"""" if UPS and FEDEX guys dressed as Santa while delivering packages during the holiday season
"
39013,"Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
"
88019,"So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69. I said 70. I know you were expecting a joke, but I want to pass my exams.
"
108259,"What is zombie's favorite hiking snack? Entrail mix
"
213859,"Girls are like Math problems If they are under 18 , it's better to do them in your head.
"
182497,"What does a Syrian pirate say? Allah AkbARRR
"
223888,"Why do gay guys dress so well? They spent a lot of time in the closet.
"
163720,"fifty shades of grey It's the REAL verson of fifty shades https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OU0yHAtqe4k
"
210613,"What's Gabe Newell's favourite game? Angry Nerds
"
79424,"If you laid end-to-end all the plastic bottles an average family throws away in a year, you will have wasted a fuckton of time.
"
86378,"I saw Jimmy Carr at the train station the other day.. ..I guess it's because he doesn't like taxis
"
127585,"This bar smells so bad and I can't tell who's homeless and who's a hipster.
"
46183,"I want a kiss cam at my funeral
"
81807,"What's your opinion on the mobius strip debate? I find it a tad one-sided.
"
56807,"How do angels greet each other?  They say Halo.
"
192183,"She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
"
222531,"What do you call a chicken looking at lettuce? Chicken sees a salad.
"
70629,"Did you hear about the baker who became a fisherman? He's reeling in the dough!
"
178365,"Why is it bad that Peyton Manning shilled for Budweiser? Because he clearly owed the win to Miller.
"
44081,"Alcohol and calculus don't mix... ...never drink and derive.
"
57183,"Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
"
30678,"Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot's house. Knock, knock.... Who's there? The chicken.
"
100635,"I want to give you guys my best dad joke... ...but I'm afraid you won't give it back.
"
95738,"What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.
"
91640,"Every ten seconds, someone in London gets stabbed Poor bastard.
"
168427,"Trump is in good company, coining words just like Shakespeare. The two even share their feelings about foreigners. I mean Shakespeare *coined* the word chink.
"
171851,"Do you know what I miss about my childhood? Not caring about spelling and chocolate milf
"
30318,"A woman is looking in the mirror... She complains to her husband:""""I'M OLD AND FAT!"""" To which her husband replies: """"Your eyesight is still ok.""""
"
224855,"Why is a frog luckier than a cat ?  Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine  times !
"
198242,"An Optimist sees the glass as half-full. A PEZimist fills it with candy.
"
221092,"Just once in my life, I'd like to know the sweet satisfaction of finishing a tube of ChapStick.
"
133034,"Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
"
7285,"I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
"
22727,"What was the last thing that went through Osama Bin Ladens head before he died? I hope they're all female...
"
21606,"What's the point of having nice tits if you're going to cover them up? Stop being so fucking greedy and unbutton your shirt like I do.
"
11348,"Can we please stop with the holocaust jokes? My grandfather died in a concentration camp. He fell off the guard tower.
"
197804,"""""Send me the link"""" means """"do not ask me to sit here for 6 minutes and watch this shit now.""""
"
148759,"What does an agnostic man with insomnia and dyslexia do in his free time? He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
"
109759,"Laying in bed with the wife last night, she asked """"what would you like to do most to my body?""""""""identify it"""" probably wasnt the right answer
"
120406,"If you don't have anything nice to say, say it sarcastically.
"
151950,"What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe? Roberto.
"
41322,"What did the giraffe say to the conspiracy theorist? Nothing, giraffes aren't real.
"
218295,"If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom
"
123553,"Did you know yesterday was National Middle Child Day? Don't worry, no one else remembered either.
"
33074,"My ex didn't realize 'cheat day' only meant he could eat whatever FOOD he wanted.
"
105233,"United Kingdom More like... Divided Kingdom.
"
36013,"I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked... Not sure what scared him more; my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
"
164663,"Well - It's not the first time Donald has left a Bush disappointed...
"
114046,"Two sex workers enter Trump's Russian hotel room. Sex worker: """"On a scale of one to 10, how would you rate us?"""" Trump: """"Urinate""""
"
125707,"If it's true that guns don't kill people, people kill people, then... isn't it true that toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast?
"
229066,"I remember when """"Something's eating up data."""" meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
"
36231,"How many Freudian slips does it take to change a lightboob?
"
145223,"I like my women like I like my coffee... In a burlap sack on the back of a donkey
"
61360,"Doctor: I'm sorry, but your Dad's in a coma. Teen: Huh? Doctor: He's in airplane mode now. Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
"
186649,"Heard today that most feminists are lesbians that's why they can't think straight.
"
2517,"Apparently SeaWorld CEO has declared an end to kissing and dancing for its performing Orcas... Now those whales will know how I felt at my high school prom!
"
136343,"Ricky Martin: Livin' la vida homo.
"
48040,"YES! The receipts at CVS are very long. We know, they know, everybody knows!
"
123783,"How does Donald Trump adopt pets? He just grabs the first pussy he sees.
"
199379,"The crossed eyed teacher... ...had trouble controling his pupils.
"
154811,"What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt? A pussy makes your cock feel nice and makes you cum, a cunt is who owns the pussy.
"
59259,"In a Mediterranean restaurant...(xpost /r/puns) What did the sick chef say to the bus boy? """"Oh man, I feelafal""""
"
112978,"Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines
"
146037,"How did Kikkoman soy sauce move production to China? They outsauced it.
"
140514,"How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They just beat the room because its black
"
158892,"What type of pants does Mario wear? denimdenimdenim...denimdenimdenim...
"
65847,"Alcohol makes people do things they know they shouldn't but kinda want to. E.g I started sleeping 20 hours a day.
"
181827,"Policeman: What do you think you're doing driving through that intersection fifty miles an hour? Driver: My brakes don't work so I was rushing home before I had an  accident.
"
229498,"What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip? Recalculating route.
"
115392,"Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.
"
18673,"Apparently the meteor passed within 17,000 miles of the planet last night. Nearly as far away as my wife parks from the kerb.
"
218534,"America will suffer if Trump becomes president... You could say we're going toupee for it
"
225134,"The new film coming out about a kid with cerebral palsy isn't doing well with critics . . . . . It gets off to a shaky start then ends up falling flat on it's face
"
198245,"What did the bee to the other bee in summer ? Swarm here isn't it !
"
226169,"What did the dog do with the history professor? They got together and talked over old times.
"
8416,"Why didn't Hitler drink tequila? Because it made him mean.
"
27388,"I like my steak just how i like ISIS... DEAD
"
81914,"Dragons have tattoos of Asian chicks on their backs.
"
168611,"Have you seen the last BATMAN vs. WOLVERINE movie ?? It was very prestigious !!! ok, I tried..
"
51513,"If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there'd be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
"
30146,"My biggest fear is laughing at a joke I didn't understand and someone asks me to explain it to them.
"
25058,"I, for one... like Roman numerals.
"
148904,"Marketing companies should use chromosomes in advertisements because sex cells.
"
67751,"Did you hear about the gay broom? Spent 10 years in the closet.
"
3510,"Before and After marriage! What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyonce.
"
166525,"How do you know its noon on an Apple Watch? The screen stays black when you check the time.
"
57054,"Doctor, reading chart: """"Says here you're improving!"""" Doctor: """"...Oops."""" *slowly turns chart rightside up*
"
213368,"[in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? """"Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can""""
"
23932,"I got an anonymous letter today. Oh really - who was it from?!
"
42750,"HER: I like talking during sex, but I can't stand it when you narrate the whole thing ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
"
8455,"People really hate my cheesy puns... but I'm quite fondue of them.
"
174513,"A muslim walks into a bar No one survived the blast.
"
174139,"Someone calls 911... Man : Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Man : Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Man : The ugly one is winning.
"
1952,"What do you call a policeman with blonde hair ? A fair cop !
"
114899,"3 Trojans once tried that horse trick on a Greek city... Poor guys drowned in semen without ever being discovered.
"
178417,"Your clever title is half the joke.
"
200830,"Did you hear about the ghost who got put in prison? He was charged with possession.
"
19852,"Apparently, """"No kidding!"""" isn't a good response when your boss says he's confused.
"
218990,"What does having sex with me and the holocaust have in common? There are people who still deny it ever happened.
"
179926,"Why People Get Married
"
214796,"Most of my sextapes are on DVD.. except for that gay one where I Blu-Ray.
"
108898,"You'd think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
"
195620,"Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
"
108538,"Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty.
"
206329,"What do you get when you mix a helicopter and a rhino? Hell if I know.
"
82262,"SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
"
54680,"Food preferences area curious thing, I realized that I don't like chocolate anymore ... on the day when I noticed that I don't fit anymore into my old apartment.
"
177481,"I'm confused about plants
"
222278,"What do you do to an elephant with three balls? Walk him, and pitch to the giraffe!
"
139379,"Why was the mathematician detained at the airport? Because he planned to blow up a plane.
"
217107,"I'm giving up for Lent.
"
24021,"What do you call Gumby's sidekick in Jamaica? Pokemon
"
65565,"Today is the rest of the world's 9/11 No, seriously, look up the calendar.
"
74981,"What do Nascar and a Kinko's dumpster have in common? They're both filled with white trash. -&amp;y
"
84422,"My teacher called me a procrastinator today. But I'd say I'm more of an amateurcrastinator considering none of my endorsement checks have come in yet.
"
167843,"What's the hardest part about roller-blading? Telling your parents you're gay.
"
35426,"the most boring thing to be pretentious about is how u were into something good before a popular thing showed everyone else that good thing
"
132416,"A clever person solves a problem. A wise person avoids it. A stupid person makes it.
"
134124,"Pro tip for picking up girls  keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
"
12217,"How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. That's a hardware problem.
"
183301,"How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb? """"Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.""""
"
117267,"What do you call a black person that flys an airplane? A pilot you racist bastard
"
43965,"What kind of Olive Oil do Reddit users use to masturbate? Extra Virgin
"
156045,"What do you call someone who comes second in a long-distance boat race? An immigrant
"
62226,"What do you call a French vacation? A retreat.
"
38159,"Of course this is my real personality. Who the hell would fake THIS?
"
92823,"I don't like when they use """"late"""" to describe a deceased person. It's like give a guy a break on his attendance, he's dead.
"
204279,"I try to do my job the way I have sex. Work fast and and get done quick
"
114618,"A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
"
217932,"Whats the Slogan for every I.T. Department in America? """"Mmmm. Move Over.""""
"
202270,"A shipment of wigs has been stolen Police are combing the area
"
83587,"Love is like a fart... If you have to force it, it's probably shit.
"
217494,"What does the sign say on an out-of-business brothel? Beat it, we're closed.
"
24657,"""""The top of my toliet seat is uncomfortable to sit on. I want it to feel like my living room floor"""" - inventor of carpet toliet seat covers
"
75772,"Do you know what the square root of 69 is? Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
"
73766,"Did you meet the guy who masturbated on the toilet? He came and went.
"
70179,"You don't have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. """"No, I was waving at my friend.""""
"
124691,"Everyone on reddit seems to want a secular Turkey... My fat ass just wants a succulent one.
"
222506,"Even people who are good for nothing can bring smile on your face, when pushed down the stairs...
"
98113,"People can be so fucking rude when they catch you listening in on their conversation.
"
82957,"Wife: Silent Me: What's wrong? Wife: Nothing Me: Grabs shield and sword
"
182295,"I'm human, but I never got to go to space. Dogs and monkeys *aren't human, but they did. That's the gist of my lawsuit against NASA.
"
221777,"What do you call an anorexic girl that has a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese.
"
158038,"What do you call an angry white elephant that likes crushing donkeys and darker elephants? Donald Trunk.
"
38535,"Little league Played baseball with some orphaned kids today. :) I won. None of them seemed to know where home was.
"
229308,"I call my Asian friend Spongebob Because he's yellow and can't drive
"
47735,"[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium] AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man ME: shut up and help me butter them
"
70822,"A naked man broke into a church this morning... After a 30 minute chase, the police finally caught him by the organ.
"
102379,"Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
"
180636,"What goes *clip-clop-clip-clop-BANG-clip-clop-clip-clop*? An Amish drive by shooting.
"
4011,"What if Stephen Hawking is the real Slim Shady? But we'll never know, because he can't stand up?
"
53028,"I don't know why everyone is mad at Subway jared He's just a fat man in a little girls body
"
25164,"To all you hilarious guys telling Ronda Rousey jokes today: Seize your moment, gents! Talk about a woman *and* look like the winner by comparison!
"
155367,"How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it
"
177963,"How many blind men would it take to change a light bulb? Why the fuck would a blind man need a light bulb?
"
173251,"What do you call ghosts that haunt liquor stores? Spirits
"
202508,"What type of trees do chickens grow on? Poul-trees
"
207310,"If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving? The police.
"
231025,"Yo mama so fat, when she stands next to yo daddy they still in a long-distance relationship.
"
84021,"Short self made joke, pretty offensive. Did you hear about the cannibal who is a vegetarian? Yea, he only eats vegetables.
"
30935,"It's hard to imagine someone getting any pleasure from beastiality... but that doesn't stop me from trying.
"
164044,"If you were out camping and woke up with a condom sticking out of your ass and didn't know why, would you tell anyone?
"
157972,"crazy to think that back in the 1940s, extra guacamole at chipotle only cost a nickel
"
103294,"what's the most common allergy among gay men? Heeeeeeyyyy fever.
"
99091,"I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
"
40368,"A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk right into a bar. The Buddhist ducks.
"
83675,"What do you call a fancy toilet? A dapper crapper
"
102930,"Fight with Alarm Clock Had a fight with my alarm clock, i refused to wake up, things got voilent. Now its broken and i am awake don't know who won.
"
55630,"Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email? He had no attachments.
"
113909,"[Ouija board] O spirits, let me talk to m- C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I *squints* What the heck? A 3G board?
"
61010,"My buddy has tried to stop speaking in such a deep southern accent he's going through withdrawls
"
201678,"I wish my best friend would leave his cheating whore of a wife. Then I wouldn't feel so guilty for sleeping with her all the time.
"
93758,"A suicide bomber in a pet shop A suicide bomber enters a pet shop and announces... """"everybody has only one minute to get out of here..."""" Tortoise: Fuck :-/
"
48147,"how many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? ten tickles
"
82349,"The Chicago Bears
"
89097,"[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college] Me: Wow, you used to be hot Wife: *death glare* Me: ...but not as hot as you are now
"
121023,"I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
"
98823,"The worst part about being bitten by a venomous spider... ...Is that you're probably Australian
"
60775,"What is the definition of a 'double standard'? If a girl sleeps with a ton of guys she is a slut, but if a guy does it, he is a homosexual.
"
156172,"Listen up, guys Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose
"
190452,"Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
"
80200,"My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
"
77728,"I phoned my boss. I said, """"I'm calling in sick tomorrow."""" """"But, how do you know you're going to be ill?"""" he asked. I swear, sometimes he forgets that he works in a psychic shop.
"
203302,"Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
"
55533,"Mistakenly used yahoo for searching instead of google. It's like someone used google two days ago & is trying to remember the results.
"
158200,"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a boogey in it!
"
125074,"What do lovesick owls say when it's raining? Too-wet-to-woo.
"
140172,"What did one cow say to the other? Hey moo!
"
6943,"What time do dentists fly airplanes? Tooth Hurty (2:30)
"
217294,"Heard this really good joke at work today. You guys would've really loved it.
"
18592,"Greeting card [cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's [inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer's
"
216766,"Why don't tennis players ever get married? Because love means nothing to them.
"
31599,"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
"
73714,"After God had finished creating 24 hours of alternating light and darkness... One of his angels asked him what he was going to do next. He said, """"I think I'm going to call it a day.""""
"
35606,"What do you do if your lawnmower stops working? Deport him
"
95986,"""""Oh hello, I didn't see you there!"""" - Translation: I have failed to avoid you
"
132768,"The girl on the stripper pole got mad because I gave her a monopoly dollar, well fake boobs, fake hair, fake nails gets fake dollars!
"
78476,"What's a joke that you invented? Here's mine: Did you hear about the guy who had to snort a line of baking soda every day? He was basically addicted.
"
143968,"9: Have you seen my harmonica? [flashback to me smashing it with a hammer] me: Did you look under your bed?
"
113934,"[God inventing iguanas] Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren't
"
120074,"I accidentally popped your first balloon. The second was my favorite.
"
204157,"I have a photographer's memory Or is it photographic? I always forget.
"
79204,"I didn't say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
"
112959,"*spits out animal cracker* This doesn't even taste like hippo.
"
160593,"You stare at frozen juice cans because they say, """"concentrate"""".
"
7970,"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna.
"
54711,"A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, Doc, I'm horribly sick! The doctor looks at her and asks, flu? No, I drove here.
"
101662,"""""Out with the dead, in with the old."""" - Nursing homes
"
108174,"Why didn't the circle want to become 3 dimensional? S'fear.
"
113337,"Playing the long game. some months back I planted lettuce in my garden. yesterday I was making dinner and asked my girlfriend to go pick some lettuce. she said """"why?"""" I said """"just Cos"""" ba dum tisssssh
"
119866,"A seal walks into a club. The end.
"
94939,"I just found a new Batman shampoo... I was so disappointed when I found out they don't make conditioner Gordon.
"
35850,"What is the dirtiest day of the week? SaTURDay
"
165442,"What does Hillary Clinton say when she's unhappy at a restaurant? Can I have a different server?
"
199689,"The invention of the wheel started a revolution
"
201427,"Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
"
200628,"Just fyi, if you're girlfriend asks you if she should lose some weight... """"I love you through thick and thin"""" is not an appropriate response.
"
35195,"How do you tell a boy tree from a girl tree? Boy trees have woodpeckers.
"
163030,"Hot air rises That explains why Donald Trump is so popular.
"
211622,"What couldn't the cross-eyed teacher do?.... Control their pupils
"
10199,"I just had sex I don't know where else to post it
"
69130,"How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb? They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for 30 years.
"
182574,"Why did the dolphin commit suicide? Because its life had no porpoise!
"
8164,"How can a man take an abortion pill? He just picks one up and leaves.
"
132320,"My buddy just came over with his eyebrows waxed... The light had them shining so much it looked like both of his eyes just came up with the best idea.
"
63671,"I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.
"
53515,"The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it.
"
229131,"What's the difference between the Earth and my sock? The Earth's crust is on the outside.
"
154639,"What's the most casual crime you can commit? Shooting the breeze.
"
169181,"Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever  loved. Assistant: Why don't you marry her? Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
"
116305,"What do giraffes and humans share the same number of? Testicles.
"
10803,"If you're the guard at a Samsung store ... Does that make you the guardian of the galaxy?
"
69120,"They say cow manure come from males. But that's bullshit.
"
183690,"I have the heart of a lion.. ..and a lifetime ban from the Toronto Zoo
"
34811,"This morning I was beaten by a woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, """"Would you please press one?"""" I don't remember much after that.
"
76804,"Why did the Libertarian Cross the Road? None of your Damn Business. Am I being detained?
"
184830,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *cough* *choke* *gargle*
"
120760,"I'm in a hotel room atm. It has about 1034 millibar and 1 minibar. Sorry.
"
72669,"Anyone who thinks Megan Fox is the hottest thing ever has obviously never left Pizza Rolls in too long.
"
12353,"Do not watch the Star Wars Movie! Contrary to its title, it has nothing to do with celebrity feuds.
"
49775,"If a Rastaman ever wants to tell you a story... Don't bother, they just Babylon.
"
66019,"What does Harry Potter say when he walks into a bar? I Expectsum Patronum
"
632,"Why are normal human body temperatures around 98.7*F? Because we're all a little obtuse.
"
70674,"How would you describe frankenstein's birth? Shocking!
"
169698,"king kong would have done better at work if he perfected his elevator pitch. yea, that one's a zero.
"
184307,"Did you hear about the guy who was arrested for indecent jurisprudence? He got off on a technicality
"
164922,"My work has this cute thing they do where if you're really good at your job, they get you to do everyone elses too.
"
63403,"How many ADHD children does it take to change a lightbulb? Lets go ride our bikes
"
214950,"What did Hitler get the Jews for Christmas? Nothing. Jews don't celebrate Christmas.
"
44825,"So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity... Well, her exact words were """"time and distance"""" but I knew what she meant.
"
228673,"I have a pretty good memory.. I'd say its about a 9/11. I never forget
"
39958,"A poet and a logician were found dead earlier this week. They say the killer had no rhyme or reason.
"
31282,"Me: You a good personal trainer? Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am. Me: [through tears] Wow, that's personal. You're hired.
"
22454,"(NSFW) Jokes
"
115546,"A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel stuck between his legs. Bartender: What's with the steering wheel? Pirate: Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!
"
75730,"A reporter asked Lil Wayne how sure was he that he contracted HIV. He said 100% positive
"
182169,"Two deer were leaving a gay bar One said to the other, """"man, I can't believe a blew thirty bucks in their""""
"
111964,"What made the triangle high? Potenuse Credit: Key and Peele. I don't want to be like that kid in class.
"
213132,"Why didn't Hitler go to strip clubs? Because he didn't like poles.
"
35445,"Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
"
24369,"HOW MANY BABIES DOES IT TAKE TO PAINT A WALL? Well, since 1 baby could paint 0 walls, it would take infinite babies to paint a wall.
"
43882,"Did you hear about the terrorist comedian? He bombed on stage.
"
112462,"[NSFW] What's long, cylindrical, hard, full of semen and can make a woman scream? The sock under your bed.
"
75225,"Why did the black guy get mad at the pirate? He dropped the hard 'arrrrrr.'
"
103320,"Yeah, Lisa """"Left Eye"""" died in a car accident... Apparently, she was hanging out of the passenger side of her best friends ride.
"
50794,"Friendship Application, Question One: If you see that my selfie has 0 likes, will you like it faster than humanly possible?
"
169338,"I couldn't understand why the battery in my cell phone was always flat. Then it occurred to me; it wouldn't fit if it was any other shape.
"
110588,"What's better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics? Not being retarded.
"
160846,"How many millennials does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100. 1 to do it, and 99 to stand around saying the old one was better.
"
27421,"why don't chickens wear pants? Because their pecker is on their heads!
"
77781,"What's the difference between Donald Trump and a gynecologist? A gynecologist will shake a woman's hand before grabbing their pussy.
"
220569,"When you go toe to toe with a Vietnamese Mexican... You either nguyen or you luz.
"
52699,"What do you call a prostitute that does both men and women? An omniwhore
"
75908,"If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
"
2555,"Teacher: Why have you got cotton wool in your ears do you have an infection ? Pupil: Well you keep saying that things go in one ear and out the other so I am trying to keep them it all in!
"
32347,"Police officer: And what do you think you  are doing on this road Dracula? Dracula: Looking for the main artery officer.
"
160138,"What did the dog say when it sat on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!
"
161036,"Why is light beer like sex on the beach? They are both fucking close to water!
"
223567,"Politicians and diapers have one thing in common... they should both be changed regularly... and for the same reason.
"
74240,"Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose... Glutes(   )
"
162616,"My jokes are so dark Whenever i use it it starts picking cotton.
"
64184,"You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
"
119846,"Original Corny Joke Who leads the corn into battle? The kernal! Bahahahaha
"
144997,"I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred... The top answer was: """"How in the hell did you get in here?""""
"
104398,"What is more powerful than God, more evil than the Devil, poor people have it, if you eat it, you will die? Diarrhoea
"
188103,"Do you know what the secret of encouragement is? Of course you don't.
"
126520,"It's too bad National Constipation Day isn't more well-known... ...because currently, no one gives a shit.
"
183169,"ahhh. this weather takes me back to the glory days of stealing dad's lawnmower & joyriding all day until the squirrels made the blades stop.
"
80043,"Old but Gold. What do you call cheese that is not yours? Nacho Cheese.
"
45410,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bridget ! Bridget who ? Bridget the end of the world !
"
228741,"War: what is it good for? Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man. So, lots actually.
"
142312,"To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
"
51775,"Three ways to get something done Do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
"
5067,"Why did the bachelors purchase double amputee strippers for their party? Because they were 50% off!
"
221264,"Why did the horse get a DUI? She had too many maretinis
"
40675,"What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels is still killing indians.
"
220513,"I'd imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters.
"
124490,"Rubix cubes are like penises... The more you play with them, the harder they get.
"
23285,"I accidentally flogged another dominatrix's client. Oops, wrong sub.
"
198529,"What did the Annoying Orange say on Fox News? """"We're going to build a wall""""
"
174346,"If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album... ...I'm pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
"
134814,"Why could Frankenstein's Monster not have children? Because his nuts were in his neck!
"
2712,"What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. A building can't jump.
"
164798,"What is the difference between oral sex and anal sex? oral sex can make your day, but anal sex can make your hole weak
"
212337,"I'm a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
"
143500,"Before you criticise someone... Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticise them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
"
197891,"Him:The seven dwarves were on a bus, they all started to feel Sleepy. So Sleepy got off. Me:Oh come on, man! That pun was Dopey!
"
42498,"Why is Jesus terrible at hockey? He keeps getting pinned to the boards.
"
4013,"Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
"
97088,"What is a sure way to get a girl at a bar? Order a Cosbypolitan cocktail
"
46797,"I may have Alzheimer's but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.
"
149021,"Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... Pretend it's a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
"
198348,"Why are trombones the sexiest instruments in the orchestra? Because they can be played in seven positions and you have to oil the slide.
"
178958,"Pulitzer Prize-winner Lois Lane, I want you to meet your new reporting partner, this mysterious stranger who has never held a job before.
"
230005,"I was gonna make a chemistry joke... But all the good ones Argon.
"
113259,"Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark Hives.
"
179808,"You know what grinds my gears? Improper gear ratios and speed differences.
"
223077,"You remind me of my step-son... I'm only nice to you because I'm fucking your mother
"
197809,"The best free drug is being super, super tired and then lying down.
"
41401,"BABY DRINK Q: How do you make a baby drink? A: Stick it in the blender.
"
30712,"Who decided smiling would be the default expression for pictures?
"
103174,"You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts... it's how you apply the force.
"
80904,"This is ridiculous: """"www"""" contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is 'short' for, """"world wide web.""""
"
205785,"What's the difference between a blue 7 and a red 4? 3, duh. (My ex's 9 year old little sister told me this joke, and followed is up with: """"and YOU'RE the math guy!"""" &gt;_&lt; Burned.)
"
150935,"Don't you hate it when your girlfriend yells out a different name during sex Like bitch, my name isn't """"someone help""""
"
149295,"Pregnant - Beyonce Pregnant with twins - Beytwice
"
171295,"A pirate crew is fleeing from a whaling ship One pirate swabbie asks, """"This be the whaling ship driven by the wench with two vaginas?"""" The pirate says, """"Aye, we best be wary of har poons.""""
"
152070,"I'm no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world's energy woes.
"
11092,"I bought shoes from a second hand shop. They must've belonged to a junkie though because I've been tripping all day.
"
1225,"Patron: How come this fly is swimming in my soup? Waiter: I gave you too much. It should be wading.
"
189329,"Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution? He was sofa king comfortable.
"
95158,"Why do so few people become botanists? Because of the stigma.
"
87600,"""""My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..."""" (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* """"You give me Green Card now, yes?""""
"
161249,"For Sale: 5yr old BMW Turn signals like new!
"
34591,"I remember when I was young and dad used to play """"Got Your Nose"""". It was far less traumatic than Uncle Carl's game of """"Got Your Weiner"""".
"
113283,"What is common between a gynecologist and Pizza Deliver guy? They both can smell it but cant eat it.
"
198813,"The butcher is introducing his wife to some friends... so he says """"Meet Patty!""""
"
82856,"Five emos in a room A study has shown that if you put five emos in a room, one of them will eventually kill himself because he wont have a corner to cry in.
"
203791,"I've been friends with my recliner the longest. We go way back.
"
186048,"- How many survivors of nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? - None. People that glow in the dark don't need lights.
"
169857,"What did 50 Cent say to his grandmother when she made him a pair of socks? Gee, you knit?
"
189627,"So I was eating out my grandma this morning, and suddenly I tasted horse semen. Then it came to me. """"So that's how she died.""""
"
134448,"The only reason why i am fat is because a tiny body could not store all this huge personality.
"
102298,"[5 mins after seeing our neighbour's new boat] wife: """"everything's a competition to you"""" me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] """"no it's not""""
"
42386,"Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
"
119988,"I want to make a jew joke Please don't jewdge me!
"
110861,"How does the Hulk make money? He flips houses.
"
214398,"What do you call a communist hip-hop musician? MC Hammer and Sickle.
"
108687,"What did one bum cheek say to the other? After all that shit we're still together.
"
34236,"I deactivated my Facebook so I won't know if any bible verses are """"so true"""" for a while.
"
109456,"My Jewish family banned beans, Ever since my grandfather died of uncontrollable gas.
"
181819,"I buy all my guns from a bloke called T-Rex.. He's a small arms dealer.
"
170420,"I've been driving for 20 years And I still haven't seen any fast children at play
"
200934,"How much money do gay bars make? A buttload.
"
231149,"What's the trick to satisfying your wife or girlfriend with only 3.5 inches? Visa or Mastercard?
"
115139,"I'm not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
"
180465,"What's the hardest part about wearing crocs in college? Swimming through the ocean of pussy to get to class
"
230825,"As an obese man, I think I would make a pretty good presidential candidate. I too only run once every four years.
"
26497,"I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
"
62128,"OK - who knows their Soupy Sales lines? I'll give you the set-ups, you give us the lines.
"
54238,"Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack mainly because their hearts are already broken
"
104114,"What is your favorite Brian Williams joke? I was there during the big bang of the universe - Brian Williams
"
99365,"What does DNA stand for? National Association for Dyslexics
"
174317,"""""I just got engaged!"""" -- Starship Enterprise
"
48094,"what do you call 2 Puerto Ricans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
"
11212,"FRIEND: Try to relate to her. (Later on Date) ME: *nervously* Can I be your cousin?
"
127198,"How many mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan.
"
145043,"Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
"
151648,"How Many Feminist does it take to Screw SRSer ? None, Even Feminist have standarts
"
87215,"Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
"
159319,"How does a frog greet a rabbit during the holiday season? Hoppy holidays, and have a hoppin New Hare! Happy holidays everyone.
"
58448,"Officer: You drinking? Me: You buying? Oh how we laughed and laughed.... PS: I need bail money.
"
140838,"Facebook is the most confusing dating site I have ever been on.
"
20651,"My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.
"
48346,"What only lasts 40 seconds for men and leaves them hot and sweaty? A bowl of Ramen Noodles
"
227389,"Hey girl, is your dad in jail? Because if I was your dad, I'd be in jail too.
"
202079,"TIFU by buying a cheap speaker system Whoops, wrong sub
"
60596,"I've always wanted to be a comic book artist... I'm really drawn to it.
"
176612,"Did you know people that often misspell have the same blood type? Type-O
"
5652,"They demolished my local Domino's Pizza shop... yesterday, and then all the other shops on the street fell down.
"
25817,"""""We hug and kiss, but people just don't lick each other."""" -yet another lie I just told my toddler
"
184422,"What's the one car that gingers can't have? A Kia Soul.
"
39047,"Which dinosaur walks with a limp? a Myfeetasaur
"
105509,"I'm boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
"
152576,"Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house? because he has gnocchi
"
172836,"Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the jaw, it's decendents are known today as giraffes.
"
199882,"People are saying that sperm has terrific anti-wrinkle properties. But if that were true, with the amount of wanking I do, my bed would probably make itself.
"
12894,"So I used to date this graphic designer... We broke up because I caught her cheating. Writing hundreds of letters to some guy named Lorem Ipsum. What a creep, right?
"
191730,"My mate Dave's just got back from his third tour of Afghanistan. Hardest bloody bus driver I know.
"
10804,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? That is a trick question, feminists can't change anything.
"
61655,"I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something.
"
174226,"What do you call it when a prayer is answered? A coincidence.
"
216077,"I bet a zombie would be really, really disappointed to find out a """"brainstorm"""" is not really a storm of brains.
"
86836,"Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.
"
220081,"What do you call a jar of mayonnaise stuck in quicksand? Sinko de mayo
"
77440,"There's something about a mousetrap that I can't quite put my finger on.
"
93377,"Their are only two things I hate about this world Those who can't respect other people's cultures and the Danish
"
54402,"Q: How many Sagittarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Look ask me when I get back from India okay?
"
187200,"Close your eyes. Now imagine a peaceful meadow. That meadow represents your betrayal. I told you to close your eyes, but you kept reading.
"
743,"What has 9 arms and sucks? Def Leppard!
"
191654,"A motorist ran into a shop. """"Do you own a black and white cat?"""" he asked. """"No"""" replied the manager. """"Oh dear"""" said the motorist """"I must have run over a nun.""""
"
51132,"yo mommas so poor the roaches pay the light  bill!
"
134145,"Did you hear about the guy with no penis? He just comes out of nowhere.
"
117491,"I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.
"
86506,"Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I'm dying just let me lay here
"
75925,"Was forced to watch Lifetime and now I think my water just broke
"
166423,"Whats another name for google glass? Dome Chrome.
"
190117,"Come to my 127.0.0.1 and I'll give you sudo access.
"
129665,"The Insurmountable problem by Major Setback
"
33385,"Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge? They are for those who don't drink!
"
22420,"The thing about ice skating ... No matter how good you are, the hardest part is always your nipples.
"
59208,"If I had a time machine I'd take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
"
44116,"My husband is like Santa Claus He's old, fat, and comes once in a year.
"
53153,"I've always wanted to play smooth jazz while making love... ...but apparently the bedroom is an inappropriate place for a drumkit.
"
200478,"I'm so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
"
140295,"You tell me to """"walk a mile in your shoes"""" but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
"
143764,"I'm fine with bestiality as long as it's consensual. Neigh means neigh
"
35615,"slipping acid into your moms food because she needs to chill out and have a good trip
"
123855,"Broke bakers need dough.
"
117551,"Being a mailman must be the most boring job in the world. It just sounds so redundant.
"
159452,"What is the number 1 rule at a computer bar? Always tip your server.
"
76342,"There's no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That's why it's called faith.
"
218788,"Someone ripped the pages out of both ends of my dictionary today. It just goes from bad to worse!
"
11553,"What the worst part about pulling a hair clump from the drain of the apartment you just moved into? Waiting for it to dry so you can glue it to your sex doll
"
93162,"A soldier survived mustard gas in battle and pepperspray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran
"
26145,"Just bought a sweet British accent off of Daniel Craig's List.
"
199596,"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He took a sip of his coffee before it was cool.
"
215068,"Know why vodka is so clear? Its so Russians can tell it isn't tap water.
"
22489,"After reading that Afghanistan had the highest infant mortality rate, this occurred to me. What do you call Afghan triplets? Twins! I am so sorry....
"
206575,"Police: How did they break in? Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside. Police: They found it? Me: They threw it through the window.
"
33248,"Everyone knows you can tell a criminal is lying if his lips are moving, but how do you know when a cop is lying? His pen is moving.
"
164868,"I just got married and our bed is South America My wife gets Brazil, and I get Chile.
"
2074,"Saudi Arabia... ...is on the United Nations Human Rights Council.
"
15669,"What's the difference between Batman and Martin Brodeur? Batman isn't wearing hockey pads.
"
106075,"You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
"
135336,"A mother walked in to find her son playing with his privates. """"Oh dear..."""" """"...those toy soldiers were supposed to be a surprise!""""
"
194789,"When you get turned on by the idea of the government watching you masturbate That's just you feeling Illumi-naughty.
"
48613,"Two fish were in a tank. One said """"You man the guns and i'll drive!""""
"
178978,"Did you know ISIS has its own sex toy factory? There specialise in blow up dolls
"
118688,"My circle of trust is a meatball
"
216785,"I was asked earlier today on my view on lesbian relationships. Apparently in """"HD"""" was the wrong answer.
"
24259,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Amsterdam ! Amsterdam who ? Amsterdam is like plum jam but made from hamsters !
"
15438,"The first rule of tautology club... Is the first rule of tautology club.
"
43180,"If quiz is short for quizzical, what is exam short for? Exammical!
"
75939,"[Takes dog to park] *waits for romantic comedy to begin
"
25014,"Good Anatomy or Digestive System Joke? I need a good joke for my T shirt design for my Anatomy class. Anyone have any good jokes. thanks (school apprpriate please)
"
35795,"I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol... But still.
"
162174,"It's awesome that 4th of July is in the summer. But it sucks for countries like Australia who have to watch fireworks in the winter. SUKAZ!
"
166104,"MOTHER PIG: What did you learn in school today? FIRST PIGLET: Oink! Oink! SECOND PIGLET: Oink! Oink!  THIRD PIGLET: Woof! Woof! MOTHER PIG: What? THIRD PIGLET: I'm taking a foreign language.
"
5563,"What will men do if women become extinct? Domesticate another animal.
"
199830,"It's no surprise that Trump is here, just look at all the movies where there is a black President and something comes to destroy the earth. All credits go to Larry Wilmore. ;)
"
80276,"One time the top popped off my blender when I was making a smoothie. So... Yeah Iceland, I get it.
"
58515,"Whenever I go for a jog and it's raining, I like to pretend that someone killed my family and I have to get strong and avenge their death.
"
90374,"Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.
"
39521,"What's the worst aspect about Calculus teachers? They always go off on tangents in class.
"
127304,"Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we're gonna fight crime together
"
77026,"Why'd the chicken cross the road? To get to the gays guys house. Part 2: knock knock Who's there? The chicken
"
203669,"Alcohol is never the answer...... Unless the question is, """"What is C2H5OH?""""
"
50679,"How I Want To Die I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the four other passengers in his car.
"
101932,"Oh, man! It really smells like upfoo in here!
"
104029,"Guy walks up to his wife with a duck under his arm... """"Honey. This is the pig I've been fucking for the last ten years."""" """"That's not a pig, it's a duck!"""" """"I was talking to the duck.""""
"
48235,"What do you call a naked baby horse? A Naked Neigh-kid
"
138134,"Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
"
32351,"I was walking along the pavement and there was this sign that said, """"Pavement ahead closed. Please use other side."""" It made me cross.
"
61653,"Never argue with an Archeologist Theyll just keep digging up the past
"
103445,"Why can't Mrs.Clause get pregnant? Santa only comes once a year, and it's always down a chimney.
"
11695,"They said I'd have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I'm REALLY into frogs.
"
188113,"So Bruce Jenner might have been texting... Does this make him a transtextual? ....I'll see my way out
"
171605,"Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
"
225822,"Nostalgia Critic Quote """"People may die, but stupid is forever.""""   -Nostalgia Critic
"
142805,"I received a lighter as a gift from my gf and it broke after a single use. I told her that there was a spark missing in our relationship. Edit: Spelling. Any Improvements to this joke appreciated.
"
191787,"What came first? The chicken or the egg? Humans' ability to classify living organisms.
"
216640,"I vandalized an art major's car today. Removing pizza delivery signs is surprisingly easy.
"
95204,"Drunk me used to set a """"Mystery Alarm"""" on my phone to pop up and confuse daytime sober me
"
118784,"What did the ghost of Kurt Cobain say right after his death? My feet are killin' me!
"
111191,"Why did the bear eat his phone? It was a black berry...
"
121617,"Here's a pie chart on procrastination.
"
108351,"Currently the most offensive joke going through my head. What did the female Marine get moments after she was gang raped by her fellow Marines? A Dishonourable Discharge.
"
131942,"A world without women... A world without women could be a real pain in the ass.
"
202226,"When does the narwhal bacon? Mmmmm reddit.
"
129401,"I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long. 
"
218598,"Every organisation is perfectly designed to get the results they are getting.
"
209075,"New gym is great. Free robe service. They shaved the top of my head? Gardening, masonry. Chanting. Swore an oath and live at the gym now.
"
48330,"A guy walks into a burn ward... and he says """"hey, you with the face!""""
"
137815,"What is a priest's favorite snack? Little boysenberries.
"
205687,"They just discovered a terrorist cell in Rome... this summer we might have Italian Isis.
"
41729,"Establish dominance by licking the spoon and then putting it back in the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.
"
148647,"""""Moooooooo"""" - bilingual donkey
"
25507,"What's Vladimir's favorite song? Putin on the Ritz
"
86617,"Chuck Norris threw an impact grenade and killed one hundred people. Then the grenade blew up.
"
230116,"Your parents didn't even want you... You would have been a blowjob if your mom had change for that $20.
"
197154,"I can't STAND Shigesato Itoi... that Mother fucker.
"
6410,"What's the difference between Santa and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney, the Jews go up.
"
160001,"What do you get when you cross a killerwhale and a cow? I don't know but don't try to milk it!
"
161857,"Did you hear about the patch of fog that entered the spelling bee? It wasn't very good but they gave it a precipitation medal.
"
109356,"Woah! Brian Williams' fly is wide open! Newsflash.
"
53838,"How is marriage and CPR training the same? You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again
"
82719,"If the BeeGees are 'staying alive' so much then how come they're all dead.
"
90326,"Why couldn't the bike stand up? It was too tired.
"
169575,"What do you get if you cross a mountain and a baby ? A cry for Alp !
"
18896,"'Hit me with your pet shark' #RuinAn80sSong
"
177612,"I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, """"Please, think of my children!"""" Kinky bitch.
"
40894,"I got silver for cheating on my wife. I'm always medalling in affairs.
"
140980,"Why do blondes have more fun? They're easier to find in the dark.
"
23796,"Why does a chicken coop have only two doors? If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
"
72630,"Yes I get laid because I'm an illusionist. But I don't use """"magic"""" or """"tricks"""" on women. They respect my skills & choose to make love with m
"
65258,"What do you get when you mix an octopus with a black guy? Idk but it sure as hell can pick cotton
"
168421,"We had gay burglars in our house last night... They broke in and rearranged all of our furniture.
"
34881,"Why is Sigma good at sharing? Because he only ever takes sum of the numbers!
"
168399,"""""I broke my arm!"""" Said Napoleon Bone apart
"
172122,"Bear Grylls lies on the floor at Starbucks peeing into his own mouth, """"this is literally the only way to survive in this environment""""
"
89824,"Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.
"
160523,"RaidTM: For when you don't want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
"
210020,"When Arnold says the line """"I'll be back"""" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
"
152847,"[interview for doctor's office receptionist] """"Can you schedule appointments and be friendly"""" Yes. """"Sorry we're looking for the opposite""""
"
80812,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Chloe ! Chloe who ? Chloe's Encounters of the Third Kind !
"
20147,"Do you know that percussionist in the band? Yeah, he rings a bell.
"
149497,"Why won't Arnold Schwarzenegger upgrade to windows 10? Because : he still loves vista,baby!
"
67896,"The difference between a turtle and a politician... ... You feel bad after running over a turtle.
"
41073,"We all have that one friend who thinks they can sing...and if you can't think of who, that friend is you.
"
81065,"Good Grammar is the Difference... ...between * Helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and * Helping your Uncle jack off a horse
"
53882,"Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles
"
143671,"My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day... He brought her out and said, """"meet patty""""
"
18721,"A world renowned chef undercooked the meat It was a rare misteak
"
48299,"TIFU: I posted my FU in /r/jokes
"
203359,"Someone refine this joke if it's needed. Ay girl, I heard you like wearing food. Do you know where I can get jalapeno panties?
"
103706,"Why did John Wayne get a weiner dog? He wanted to get a long little doggy.
"
93523,"I never considered typos to be that big of a deal until the day I dialed 921.
"
181961,"Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands. They don't give a fork.
"
37795,"59 It's like a 69, but one person is in a wheelchair.
"
141721,"Women are like swimming pools... ...both are too expensive for the time you spend inside...
"
187953,"What is the healthiest college? Rice
"
227898,"(Spoilers) Ian McShane in GoT I guess that makes him Deadwood.
"
5018,"What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.
"
205254,"What is a cow's favorite Bob Seger song? Night moooves. Sorry...
"
154200,"What is Michael Bay's favorite chess move? C4.
"
61074,"If someone who speaks two languages is bilingual, and someone who speaks many languages is multilingual, then what do you call someone who speaks one language? An American.
"
26307,"""""When fat people finish eating their Popsicles, let's punish them with the taste of death."""" --the creator of the wooden Popsicle stick
"
38814,"I used my rosary as a whip today... Call me Indiana Joan of Arc
"
134449,"If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
"
185671,"""""Hey, let's get the guys that built the Obamacare website to update our app!"""" - Twitter
"
101244,"When a boy falls, what does he fall against? His will
"
25813,"Once, in 1998, I read a website's terms and conditions page. True story.
"
63488,"My friends think I have a drinking problem... So I told them """"no, I actually think I drink quite well""""
"
111311,"I went to read the dictionary, but... My aardvark had the exact same idea before me. He didn't really get far.
"
88766,"A Jewish kid wants to go to the mall... and asks his dad for forty dollars. """"Thirty dollars?"""" he replies. """"What do you need twenty dollars for?""""
"
73908,"Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.
"
179113,"My sex life is so complex the biggest part is the imaginary one
"
131878,"How does the enthusiastic chef serve his burgers? With relish
"
222693,"Hillary Joke Hillary's campaign manager asks Hillary: - What do you like more, New Year's or sex? - New Year's - Why? - It happens more often
"
142348,"I can do a great impersonation of a hipster. I'd show it to you but it's not mainstream, you probably wouldn't get it.
"
44092,"'Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
"
103284,"If I stalked you any harder, you'd be a missing person.
"
41989,"Salesman: That suit looks nice. It fits like a bandage. Customer: Thanks. I bought it by accident.
"
227012,"What's the best part of finger banging a gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free.
"
61601,"I just can't trust stairs anymore Try seem like they're down for anything, but really they're always up to something
"
26409,"I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet? Precubescent
"
184665,"What happens when two pastries divorce? They have a custardy battle
"
209902,"What do you call 2 Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
"
98658,"Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you. Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
"
218293,"I went to the zoo.. I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog. It was a shitzu.
"
104775,"People ask where I see myself in 5 years But I always tell them that I don't have 2020 vision
"
100522,"What's red and orange and looks great on hippies? Fire.
"
101747,"How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? **ONLY ONE** But the light bulb has to want to change.
"
11874,"A girl quit her job at the doughnut factory... She was fed up with the hole business.
"
96641,"What kind of bees make milk? Boobees.
"
77708,"Damn girl I like the way you constantly change your profile pic to the one good picture of you from 2008.
"
3333,"Why was Yoda afraid of seven? Because six seven eight.
"
155217,"You know that you are ghetto when you can fit 110 words into 140 characters.
"
142771,"What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't Helium, Barium.
"
229152,"Once, when my grandma stepped out of the bathtub... and my sister commented that the hair on her privates'' was getting rather sparse, Granny retorted that """"grass don't grow on a racetrack"""".
"
20622,"I try not to criticize those who practice incest After all, it's all relative.
"
230355,"The last time I saw my friend Peter he was counting. """"75, 76, 77..."""" he said, as he began to walk away. I don't know what he's up to now.
"
34052,"I too found a safe at work and tried opening it... Bank security guard fired at me and police arrested me. It was not safe for me.
"
70077,"When is the best time to play racquet sports? Ten-ish.
"
134586,"*at the pond* """"honthere's something i need to ask you"""" *emotional* yes? *blows duck call* *ducks on water arrange to spell out 'TACOS?'*
"
37819,"Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
"
153362,"Some people are only alive in this world because I really don't want to be someone's b!tch in prison
"
40300,"What kind of pickles does Miley Cyrus like in her relish? twerkins
"
44007,"What's brown and sticky? A stick. My combo joke: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick.
"
138580,"I wonder if skunks ever think, """"why do I smell like a pound of weed?""""
"
31083,"Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive
"
93109,"Do you like apples? How bout I fuck you in the ass, how'd you like them apples!
"
9992,"A dentist recently had to pull some teeth The pain was bad enough, but when they told me I would have to drink directly from the glass for a whole day, that was the last straw.
"
175007,"When I heard that Dr. Heimlich died at age 96... I got all choked up.
"
175622,"You know what Victoria's Secret is.. Over charging you for a tiny piece of fabric that can be pushed aside by a tongue.
"
205748,"Why are orphans so bad at poker...? they don't know what a full house is
"
202041,"How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He didn't wrap his Whopper
"
27660,"""""Any women in the audience who think I'm a male chauvinist, say """"Boooo!"""" Every woman in the audience yelled """"Booo!"""" The speaker said to the crowd, """"Obedient little bitches, aren't you?""""
"
89277,"A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of...
"
80553,"Redditors of Mississippi. Tell me how do you feel abou- Oh wait, you can't read.
"
94138,"I would say I'm pretty Indecisive... Well actually maybe not
"
221887,"Can't get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving """"this doesn't work"""" and """"I'm bleeding to death"""".
"
64021,"Why do I hear noises? (Teacher) """"With all this talking I assume you are done with your work"""" (Student) """"And with all this complaining I assume you're single""""
"
13147,"What did the grape say when he was caught in bed with another fruit? """"It was just a momentary lapse of raisin!""""
"
21204,"Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus.
"
142731,"Never Judge the Beauty Of a Girl By Her Profile Picture. Judge it By the Photos She is Tagged in
"
118478,"Why did the squirrel swim on his back? To keep his nuts dry!
"
160707,"Michael J. Fox's backup job plan. Become a Living vibrator.
"
196024,"I've got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
"
226742,"Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded.
"
184495,"What did the hail storm say to the roof?  -Hang onto your shingles this will be no ordinary sprinkles
"
153272,"It's OK to go number 1 in the shower... ...unless you count like a computer programmer.
"
207453,"When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.
"
78198,"Just once I'd like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
"
76218,"Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your dog dance with you on it's hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it too.
"
69478,"I am a woman, hear my eyes roll.
"
80386,"""""More than 1 way to skin a cat"""" - """"Killing 2 birds with 1 stone"""" - Running like a chicken with its head cut off"""" -- who ARE we???
"
148948,"A Dutch man is talking to his American friend... A Dutch man is talking to his American friend and says """"I fuck horses"""" The American, astonished says, """"Pardon?!"""" The Dutch man goes """"Yes! Paarden!""""
"
217738,"Ladies, if a guy tells you """"Leggings aren't pants,"""" tell him """"You're welcome.""""
"
167669,"I feel really bad for people suffering from prolonged erections. They must have it so hard.
"
133748,"Why did the rabbi walk into the bar? Because he likes oldfashioned jokes.
"
111651,"How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You Poke-m-on
"
43862,"Why didn't hitler ever cook hot dogs at a bar-b-que? He always tends to burn the franks.
"
196335,"Why would it be bad to be a black Jew? .....you would have stand in the back of the furnace! (Just jokes guys no hate here )
"
54050,"What do you call a Hawaiian homosexual? A tropical fruit.
"
216413,"Why can't moccasins play the blues? They've got no sole.
"
42061,"Every trip to the supermarket is a game of """"Dodge The Indecisive Old People With My Cart.""""
"
170750,"[marriage counseling] She thinks I make bad decisions """"He hired a clown for my nana's funeral"""" PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
"
99337,"A Woman has an orgasm everytime she sneezes. Her friend is worried and asks, """"What do you take for it?"""" She says, """"Pepper.""""
"
18167,"How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ? She should play the lottery too !
"
94680,"Boyfriend and Girlfriend are at a baseball game the boyfriend leans over the girlfriend and says, """"I'll kiss you on the strikes, if you kiss me on the balls""""
"
37197,"I bumped into Brad Pitt the other day They say you shouldn't meet your heroes, but I think Brad handled it really well.
"
54352,"I just broke up with a hoarder... I'm the only thing she could get rid of
"
133813,"What do whores and sailors have in common? They are both always surrounded by sea - men! I made up this one.
"
189024,"What do Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Stephen Colbert, Seth Meyers and James Corden all have in common? Minority Bandleaders. Who says affermative action doesn't work.
"
33690,"A Russian teaching his son the spelling of assassination One ass behind another ass, behind that I, and behind me the whole nation.
"
206318,"Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
"
13868,"Have you seen the world's biggest thermometer? I hear it's fair in height
"
104298,"A blind hooker tried to give me a BJ once she said I had the biggest penis ever. I said """"Ha, you're pulling my leg""""
"
163347,"confucius say man who run in front of car get tired man who run behind car get exhausted
"
224218,"I don't think this whole White House scandal is good for parents. I caught my six year old son David in a lie and he said we could discuss it tonight in a """"National Town Meeting.""""
"
71051,"Why was the baby Honeydew sad? Because it was Meloncholic
"
28846,"This joke is missing a climax Just like your girlfriend.
"
101716,"Jesus went into an inn. He handed the innkeeper 3 nails and asked, """"Can you put me up for the night?""""
"
142142,"I like to move it move it You like to move it it
"
67141,"What is the capital of Greece? They have no capital.
"
133540,"Why did the Pollock cross the road? Because his dick was in the chicken.
"
107155,"New users will never know about the old Twitter. I'll tell them stories of it, and how I walked uphill both ways. In the snow.
"
194625,"There is one instrument I just can't stand.. The Sitar
"
70928,"""""Girls love illegible texts at 3:00am. Trust me."""" -Alcohol
"
16922,"Q: What kind of dog can jump higher than a building? A: Any dog. A building can't jump.
"
177831,"My random thoughts Hmm I usually don't laugh out loud. But I have tried multiple times to laugh my fucking ass off. But it never falls off! :(
"
200224,"Me: Goodnight mom I love you Mom: I have a boyfriend Dad putting arm around Mom: This loser giving you a problem?
"
120598,"Alsation: Why do you like to go on camping  trips? Chihuahua: I like to """"ruff it!
"
107970,"I had so much sex... and I was so sexually drained, you could say I was fucking retarded.
"
144355,"When is the water in the shower room musical?  When it's piping hot.
"
55899,"What Do You Call An Arab Dinosaur? Dino-mite.
"
204138,"What's the Riddler's favourite beverage? Obscuri-tea.
"
177196,"What do you call a mexican midget? A paragraph... Because he's not a full essay
"
226835,"How can you tell if you have a high sperm count ? Your girlfriend has to chew before she can swallow,
"
193969,"*taps Canadian *mumbles """"Apple starts with..."""" """"Eh?"""" *whispers """"Your blood type?"""" """"Eh?"""" *mutters """"Best grade?"""" """"Eh?"""" *giggles *runs away
"
211947,"Ever have sex while camping? It's fucking intents
"
11181,"What do you tell your wife with two black eyes? Nothing, you already told her twice.
"
4813,"A clown and a child walk into the dark woods.... The child looks up at the clown and says """"I'm scared."""" The clown replies """"You're tellin' me kid, I have to walk back alone.""""
"
2213,"Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
"
91927,"The doctor told my wife her cervix is still really hard last night. How would the doctor know that without sticking her whole hand......omg
"
209778,"Say what you like about pedophiles Atleast they drive slow in school zones. credit to /u/c4rdi4c4rrest
"
138866,"If you piss me off in the grocery store I will get in line in front of you and pay for a single banana with a personal check
"
72072,"How do we know the Indians were the first  people in North America? They had reservations.
"
21328,"Someone once told me my best features were my smile and personality If I don't have a mouth I'm fucked
"
78531,"The anchorwoman on the local news just reported that Davy Jones from the Monkees has died At first I didn't believe it. But then I saw her face.
"
116702,"If I ever die, my phone better go with me or there will be some pissed off people at my funeral.
"
73811,"My body is shaped like a hooded sweatshirt.
"
196620,"Patron: Waiter why is there a spider in my glass? Waiter: It scares away the flies.
"
42212,"Love is like peeing yourself  everyone can see but only you feel the warmth.
"
194372,"""""It meant nothing to me, babe. I swear!"""" When my girl catches me in the closet eating Devil's food cake with my bare hands.
"
217913,"Did you hear about the Baton Rouge bride who cancelled the wedding when she heard her friends were planning to give her a shower?
"
212058,"I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers... but I Kant.
"
9830,"What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their parents? Roommates
"
69589,"My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.
"
50626,"What's Hitlers least favorite drink? Jewce
"
209635,"Why even ask how my weekend was if you're just going to interrupt me halfway through to say, """"Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.""""
"
203424,"What do you call a white, poofy space alien? Martianmallow.
"
36532,"How do you make a Chevy Malibu float? Pour a glass of soda and add two scoops of Chevy Malibu
"
149753,"My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.
"
132052,"Why does Marshawn Lynch sit in the back at the Kid's Choice awards? He's just there so he won't get slimed.
"
137230,"The New Men's Birth Control Pill It's about the size of a marble. You put it into your shoe. It makes you limp.
"
9674,"""""I'm tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back."""" ----people in wheelchairs probably
"
163040,"Georgie Porgie puddin 'n pie, jerked off on his girlfriend's eye, when her eye was all stuck shut, Georgie fucked that one eye slut!
"
72992,"I know we haven't talked in awhile but I've been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
"
15651,"Heading to a pumpkin patch with a cheeseburger. When pumpkins see me eating meat, they let their guard down. They never see it coming.
"
180629,"I once had sex on a camping trip... It was fucking in-tents
"
204257,"I didn't know angels could fly so low.
"
105786,"Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I'm done talking.
"
99121,"Alcoholism doesn't run in my family. It walks. You spill less beer that way.
"
52482,"I asked an Indian if he likes custard He said, """"not in general.""""
"
171848,"Me: I'm so tired. Phone: Put me down and go to sleep. Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
"
40804,"I raise the acceptable weight limit of potential sex partners everyday I go without getting laid. Today I hit 2 tons.
"
2113,"My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.
"
208182,"What's the best part about dating a terminally ill cancer patient? They are their own birth control
"
212976,"[on Instagram] I don't really like this picture but, good for this person for still being alive and experiencing things. *likes their pic*
"
82821,"Spider dick Today I read that spiders like dark, damp, untouched places. Today I realized my dick is a spider.
"
4432,"Because the unspeakable can also happen to men I bought myself a rape alarm. I'll be fucked if this thing doesn't work.
"
112386,"What's the difference between a woman in the bath and a woman at church? Well... the woman at church has hope in her soul.
"
175594,"'What other miracles can you do?' Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish?' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
"
142691,"(NSFW) What is the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich. I Don't fuck my sandwich before I eat it.
"
149472,"What do you get if you cross 50 Shades of Grey with Blurred Lines? A greydient
"
2070,"""""Liquor in the front, poker in the back"""" is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church's charity poker team... I know that now.
"
136039,"Yesterday, someone tickled my bone... ...It wasnt Humerus
"
24015,"What do you call a white girl with an ass? A honkey with a donk-ey
"
20349,"Why do Jewish men get circumcised ? Cause Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off.
"
129251,"[staff meeting] """"Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there's a 420% chance you shouldn't eat the brownie inside""""
"
7218,"What do jehovah's witnesses believe in? That I will open the door
"
72202,"How do you make Instagram worthy coffee? #nofilter
"
130292,"What is white and hurts a homophobic man if it lands on him? An airplane
"
58583,"I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone's house on fire. Either way, I'm prepared.
"
114048,"I like my women how I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer
"
82116,"My friend told an out of place joke about police searches. But I don't think it was warranted.
"
14708,"Woman sends emotional text that's 5 paragraphs long. Man responds with """"k."""" Woman spontaneously combusts.
"
57593,"What type of rock is this Holmes? It's sedimentary my dear Watson!
"
150028,"Marriage counselling  because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they're being an ass.
"
218609,"Pilot held without bail. Judge concerned about the risk of flight.
"
171252,"A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes. I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
"
9354,"I was about to make a joke about illegal immigrants But that would be crossing the borders
"
30572,"What time is it when. You have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty.
"
16119,"I like how people say pets love you unconditionally like if you didn't feed them and someone else did they wouldn't go to them immediately.
"
115035,"What do you get when you cross a bell with a  bee? A humdinger.
"
140526,"""""Oh my god! That guy's dead! Oh wait, he's totally fine."""" (someone watching soccer for the first time)
"
5957,"Q: What does an apple and an apple tree have in common? A: They both don't drive tractors.
"
11232,"What kind of tumors do tough guys get? Heman-giomas
"
119447,"Every single time I give my heart to a girl... She Brexit.
"
117480,"Chuck Norris doesn't sleep, he waits.
"
40732,"Where did Susie go when her town got bombed? Everywhere.
"
160377,"The sandwich I ate for lunch reminded me of my dad.. gone.
"
219925,"What's the hardest part about riding a scooter? Telling your parents you're gay.
"
135175,"Today a tiny hat was convicted of murder... They say he finally just broke down and con-fezzed to the crime.
"
7441,"I walk around with a hockey bag filled with dildos & chihuahua's just in case Paris Hilton fires her assistant and is looking for a new one.
"
6587,"ok i'll bite.. what is Britain
"
192514,"What do you call an amphibian in disguise? Infrognito.
"
19271,"i'm fat but at least i'm not """"my facebook profile picture is a pokemon"""" fat
"
174030,"She was only a moonshiner's daughter But I loved her still.
"
29819,"What were ACDC called when they were kids? ABCD
"
156337,"An Emo and a leaf fall from a tree, Who hits the ground first? the leaf, the rope stops the emo
"
170548,"curiousity killed the cat but it also got my penis stuck in the vacuum
"
172961,"What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.
"
137582,"What do you call a cow that will go down in history? Legendairy [From my young daughter]
"
117736,"*cop bursts into bathroom* """"KID DON'T FLUSH THOSE DRUGS!"""" *toilet is wearing shades* """"damn. we're too late"""" *toilet rides off on motorcycle*
"
62969,"""""It's not you, it's me"""" - DiGiorno, to delivery
"
181918,"John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I? Nurse: ICU John Cena: No you don't. Edit: double enter
"
114824,"I can always count on the local cemetery for free Mother's Day flowers.
"
92731,"So the presidential debate is tonight. Even vegans can't stay away from this pig roast.
"
208754,"so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
"
43780,"My girlfriend and I are fighting over my recent hair loss... I really hope it's just a rough patch
"
118483,"Dear yellow traffic light, Challenge accepted. Sincerely, a driver ready to get home
"
170168,"Why does a Belgian have a knife in his car? To cut the corners!
"
228259,"I fell off a 40 foot ladder Luckily it was the first step
"
137735,"Sorry I didn't text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
"
225270,"Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9
"
219924,"Why was I named after Adolf Hitler... Well, I certainly wasn't named before him!
"
120973,"What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis
"
194219,"What do you get when you see Bill Cosby in double-vision? Raped.
"
71167,"What is the name of the secret society of weavers? I-loom-'n'-I-tie
"
93412,"The person who owns Hovis is from my local area. Born and bred.
"
20734,"Burlap pants are coming into fashion, People are just itching to show off the new look.
"
229685,"Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you're wrong they'll think you're joking and if you're right they'll feel dumb.
"
67714,"Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days? Because then the children have to play inside.
"
158911,"Ladies call me the mitochondria because they kinda remember me from high school and i'm in a cell
"
218031,"Experts are close to classifying internet addiction as a mental illness. They just need to check one more thing. And Facebook. And Twitter.
"
116796,"It only takes a few seconds to express our true feelings. Unfortunately police call it murder.
"
57916,"For the past 2 nights my stomach sounds like cat purring when I lay down. I'm terrified to Web MD this. I'm too young to have kittens.
"
88455,"My cat just told me to stop talking during the movie. Maybe homemade psychedelics were a bad idea
"
14430,"Another Sunday at Gym Church w/ Pastor Pumpz. We sang """"My Bod is an Awesome Bod"""", """"Bod is Great Bod is Good"""", and """"Be Thou My Protein""""
"
187560,"*cop pulls me over* Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight? Me:What makes you think I've been drinking? *cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
"
220865,"ok, i'm calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
"
219969,"""""Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"""" said mommy bear. """"Who hasn't"""" muttered daddy bear. """"What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!""""
"
175772,"TIL the tooth brush was invented in Arkansas. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called the teeth brush.
"
33848,"You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancee by the way he hasn't murdered her.
"
114159,"Did you hear about the transvestite? He liked to eat, drink, and be Mary.
"
31858,"Midget scammer So there was a midget scammer who was in a prison break. I watched him climb up and down the wall - it was a little condescending.
"
183558,"Give a man a fish... Give a man a fish, he eats for a day. Teach a man to google, he quits asking dumbass questions.
"
58752,"Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
"
225336,"What did the cow say to the paintbrush? Moo. As told by my kid this morning.
"
134253,"In the 1945-6 Nuremberg Trials what should have been the opening statement from the defence counsel representing the Nazi War criminals? 'If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.'
"
98370,"Why are hurricanes named after girls. Because there not himicanes
"
84541,"Girls are like league of legends You put in time and money just to get fucked
"
138943,"welcome to hipster church. this is my body *bites vegan cookie* this is my blood *sips garage-brewed IPA*
"
26074,"Where do Tumblr users go to pray? The Cis-Teen Chapel
"
125295,"If I've ever been described as """"athletic"""", it was probably meant as a combination of the words """"athlete"""" and """"pathetic"""".
"
90051,"I don't know how well Fast &amp; Furious 8 will do in the box office I mean, without Paul Walker, it'll probably just crash and burn, really.
"
7189,"Why was the math book sad? It had a lot of problems
"
53252,"Mother: What was the first thing you learned in class ? Daughter: How to talk without moving my lips !
"
164646,"How can you always break even at the casino? Play the change machines.
"
178112,"How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? You give him aids
"
21233,"They say real women have curves. Well, then, the lady in front of me at Starbucks is a real, real, real, real, real, real, real, real woman.
"
14811,"One cigarette shortens your life by two hours, one bottle of vodka by three hours, and a workday  eight hours.
"
164110,"Whats the difference between Usain Bolt and Hitler? Usain Bolt can finish a race
"
461,"An infectious disease enters a bar... the bartender says,""""we dont serve your kind here"""". The disease replies, """"well you're not a very good host!""""
"
211032,"How do you know you're at a gay picnic? The hotdogs taste like shit.
"
216745,"Why does Mexico always underperform in the summer olympics? Because everyone that can run, swim or jump is in USA.
"
82426,"My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous. We'll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
"
172928,"Have you ever heard of that car with an engine made of wood? It wooden go.
"
164035,"What does it take to claim the world record for 'most blowjobs in one hour? You need to be able to blow a lot of guys in quick suck session. ^^^yeah ^^^I ^^^know ^^^it's ^^^lame
"
83098,"My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
"
147291,"Playing Pokemon Go is like having sex with a cheap hooker... ..You never know what you're going to catch.
"
92159,"Why did god create man? Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn! :D
"
130275,"What will Kim Jong-Un name his child? Kim Jong-Deux.
"
133761,"Condoms... Are for pussies.
"
48632,"Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
"
140801,"What's a feminist favorite ship? A CENSORSHIP
"
85710,"I like my women like I like my scotch... ...12 years old.
"
229595,"My first language is condescension. You wouldn't understand it.
"
224499,"What do cows read at the breakfast table? The moospaper!
"
187937,"What song does a car radio play? A cartoon (car tune).
"
190030,"Q: On a scale from 1 to 10, what is your favorite color in the english alphabet? A: Yes
"
111983,"Hipsters were tensious before it was cool. Because they're pretentious.
"
131841,"If you can read but still watch the Kardashians please donate your unused literacy to someone who might use it.
"
149042,"Original physics joke. I'm very proud. I was organizing my desk the other day and the Entropy Police gave me a ticket for disturbing the chaos.
"
226546,"The preacher today used Star Wars as a sermon illustration. I felt it was a little forced.
"
208398,"Center for Disease Control: overconsumption of beta-carotene linked to dangerous rise in pH of blood In other words, pumpkin spice lattes make you basic.
"
74664,"Here's the one way to avoid clickbait (screw the other OP!). [Click here for the truth!](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2tjg13/heres_the_one_way_to_avoid_clickbait_screw_the/)
"
94205,"Why is 6 afraid of 7? because 7 is a registered 6 offender
"
166366,"I guess it was George Michaels...... Last Christmas.
"
178397,"Why did the Eagle go to store to buy some Rogaine? To cover up his bald spot.
"
42936,"Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
"
200940,"Don't forget to insult random strangers on the internet today, morons. <3
"
20190,"My wife's favorite position was cat style. She'd sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn't come near me
"
79615,"Q: What's a tongue twister? A: When your tang gets all tongueled up.
"
187481,"My deodorant is called """"state's evidence""""... Part of the Wetness Protection program.
"
138427,"Why are penguins so shy? They always get cold feet.
"
27720,"want to hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? NaBrO
"
174948,"I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I'll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
"
102012,"I lived in Chinatown for a while. My Chinese friends always played jokes on me. ..I'm so tired of pee-pee in my Coke! It tastes horrible!
"
112156,"Sunday mornings are a great time for me to reflect on why I haven't killed anyone yet
"
121849,"It was a rude awakening when I woke up and realized all my favorite porn stars were at least 4 years younger than me. Turning 16 sucked. =/
"
217730,"(NSFW)Dating is not easy for gay men... everyone is either an asshole or a dick.
"
147030,"I watched my neighbor get evicted the other day... ...It was a moving experience.
"
132855,"Do you want a bag? A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.  """"Do you want a bag?"""" the cashier asks.  """"No,"""" the guy says, """"she's not that ugly.""""
"
140918,"When I'm Sad.. I sing, then realize my voice is worse than my problems.
"
57437,"Hey, people """"liking"""" Walmart on Facebook - you OK?
"
9795,"I'm going to get crucified for this joke, but here goes... I am the son of God
"
108093,"Octopus 1:"""" Woah. There's an arm just swimming by itself."""" Octopus 2:"""" that's an eel you idiot.""""
"
140682,"I once took a ski away from an Eskimo... Then he dressed in black and got real depressed
"
88839,"Aliens are in space right now watching all these movies where Tom Cruise defeats them, and they are laughing so hard one just peed a little.
"
125205,"I've agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.
"
652,"What do you do when you find Michael J. Fox in your hot tub? .....Add your laundry.
"
101457,"I just invented a new word. Plagiarism.
"
58239,"A son asks his dad """"Dad, am I adopted?"""" """"Not yet son. We still haven't found anyone that wants you""""
"
117263,"I don't get why people think the homeless are unclean... when they have the mintiest breaths I've ever smelled.
"
123309,"What's the funniest thing you have heard about US Politics? Donald Trump, President of the United States of America
"
107039,"McDonalds can't extend their breakfast hours because at 10:01am, the eggs become self aware.
"
181219,"What's Forrest Gump's favorite diner? Dennays
"
192182,"What did C say to E? She wants the D.
"
101283,"People tell me that I'm a bad knitter oops, wrong thread
"
158630,"Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario he spends hours a day updating Wikipedia.
"
199870,"What do you call a penis shaped wand? A Magic Johnson.
"
223904,"Why does Tom Cruise like Scientology? It's given him a great cult following
"
160857,"Today, I'm gonna dig up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy's gotten.
"
188396,"The most stable relationship I've had is with a guy at the gym who has no idea we've been dating for the past year.
"
8276,"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes *whack* """"damn"""" and a bad skydiver goes """"damn"""" *whack*
"
75632,"Congrats Amy Winehouse on being 5 years sober
"
224834,"Why did god invent the yeast infection?(x-post from r/funny) To show women what it's like to live with an irritated cunt.
"
210428,"How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian
"
76033,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? Give me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid.
"
3961,"[dentist's full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?] so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
"
26000,"I saw this heartwarming video of baby bears climbing out of a dumpster and thought, """"Who would throw away a perfectly good baby bear?""""
"
116826,"If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
"
42865,"How can Russia love pickles and vodka but hate gay people? They have such similar interests
"
144875,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay good money to see a lentil.
"
1436,"I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.
"
67374,"I WON'T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY! *sits* Ok, proceed.
"
217775,"""""Whoever smeal it, dealt it""""... """"...so technically officer, this is YOUR marijuana""""
"
179812,"What do you call a person who whores themselves out for spaghetti? A Pastatute
"
101588,"So, the KGB walks into a bar... ...and they start, uh... they... I, uh... I don't know. I didn't see *anything*; I swear!
"
158936,"I might care more about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it.
"
104892,"The dishwasher is making a strange noise. Probably because she's outside shoveling the driveway.
"
85432,"A gay man walked up behind me at the bar He asked to push in my stool
"
60969,"What did the Klansman say to the Muslim? Psst...Who washes your ... sheets?
"
161360,"Helen Keller went to town, riding on a pony, stuck a feather in her hat and called it """"HERGGEHRHEHAIOUIGSGEG!""""
"
166337,"What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? Just trying to fit in.
"
48901,"Dad joke #31939: A guy walks into a bar. Ouch.
"
224556,"*gets laser eye surgery* """"Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?"""" I told you, that's not what *i squint at him real hard but he's right*
"
129752,"Out of all the gruesome noises coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most troubling.
"
113730,"Why do fat chicks give the best head? Because they have to.
"
192652,"Charles Dickens walks into a bar He orders a martini. The bartender asks, """"olive or twist?""""
"
145128,"Where do the good guys go? The friend zone...
"
86041,"I don't want my wife any longer. Her height is perfect.
"
220781,"Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs after a house fire? Stephen Hawking's
"
68253,"I went out with an Asian girl once I asked for a 69, She said """"Fuck off I'm not cooking egg fried rice this time of night""""
"
153471,"What do poor people drink? Pover-tea.
"
226622,"I dont want to make a joke but I really want to hear the most cancerous joke you know. If I get 100 of them I will show them all to my friend who hates cancerous jokes.
"
191673,"A German joke... ...is no laughing matter
"
152650,"What do triangles do in the summer? They tan.
"
211222,"I painted the garage with my girlfriend yesterday Now I can't get the paint out of her hair.
"
61362,"There are two kinds of countries in this world. Those who use the metric system. And those who have landed a man on the moon.
"
197331,"In honor of today's date (May the 4th be with you) I came up with a Star Wars joke Did you hear about the new Jedi beer? It's Force Ale.
"
202360,"I saw this dude trying to pick up a girl. Him: I would tell you a joke about about my penis, but its too long. Her: LOL, that's funny. I wanna tell you one about my vagina, but you'll never get it.
"
105935,"What is a Skeletons porn-star name? Mr.Boner *edit I give this partial credit to that guy that sells meth on the street he-he.
"
181749,"I don't celebrate Valentine's Day ever since I took a girl out for heart shaped pizza and I realized it was smaller than normal pizza.
"
183316,"The Buddhist's Root Canal Why did the Buddhist refuse novocaine during his root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
"
132353,"DATE: I chose this restaurant for the ambience. ME: Ah, very good. [to waiter] A bottle of your finest Ambiens, please.
"
133535,"""""Get in the van if you want to live."""" Creepy Terminator...
"
183743,"How do you circumcise Luke Skywalker? Kick Princess Leia in the jaw.
"
22411,"What's the difference between a communist and a feminist? The communist wants equality
"
94478,"Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox? Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox? P: I didnt- CK: I'm not Superman
"
7867,"Why did the case against the great dessert robber get thrown out? De minimis non curat lex.
"
2589,"Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
"
169454,"Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
"
136568,"Did you hear about the witch who was ashamed of her long black hair? She always wore long gloves to cover it up.
"
128685,"Why are millionaires bad at swimming? Because they drown at their own wealth Edit: I got down voted :( I thought of that in my head and just wanted to share it
"
12327,"How big would jupiter be if it was as close to the earth as the moon..... Pretty damn big (courtesy of my daughter)
"
74311,"I don't always say 'oops', but when I do, it's usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
"
206461,"how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp's life had to be that she included """"doorbells"""" on her list of favorite things
"
110649,"Hey, everyone in a minivan-- hit the gas!
"
221709,"Fucked this girl for an hour and 30 seconds last night Thanks daylight savings!
"
113690,"Pedophiles aren't all bad... The always drive the speed limit in school zones.
"
167526,"2 men walk into a bar... You'd think the 2nd man would've ducked
"
100910,"Q: Why couldn't the cat speak? A: The dog taped his mouth.
"
125680,"Me: What's the capital of Ohio? Son: ... Me: It's also a famous explorer. Son: Dora? Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
"
81399,"wife: What's wrong? me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn't give me any brown crayons] Nothing
"
200389,"a mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. he says """"uno, dos..."""" and then promptly disappeared without a tres.
"
88410,"To the man in the wheelchair at Walmart. You may have stole my camouflage jacket. But just remember, you can hide but you cannot run!
"
13436,"My friend says that I've lost touch with reality but I told the pillow, that was absurd and to lower his voice before he woke the avocado.
"
23557,"Did you know that six days a week T.G.I. Friday's thanks God for nothing?
"
159862,"What's Canada's favorite board game? Sorry
"
173758,"[Google Search History] 1. Do raccoons like to cuddle? 2. What does rabies smell like? 3. I can't feel my face.
"
230424,"Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly? God I miss my 'Thirties'....
"
116575,"Me: Put on your seatbelt. 13: Do I have to? Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield 13: cool Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
"
81839,"What Should Make A Book Teacher: """"What Should Be In A Book To Make It A Bestseller?"""" Jorkens: """"A Girl On The Cover &amp; No Cover On The Girl""""
"
136829,"Did you guys ever hear the peanut butter joke? Actually nevermind. It may spread
"
111280,"Friend: """"Hey you're blocking the view!"""" Me: """"Bitch, I am the view.""""
"
133577,"How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg? None. It fell down the stairs.
"
166886,"What do dads never forget to include in their """"dad"""" jokes? PUNctuation Okay, I'll leave.
"
205026,"If you're feeling down about yourself, it won't help you to know that Honey Boo Boo makes more money than school teachers.
"
80833,"Did you hear about the husband... ..who loved his wife so much he almost told her?
"
149219,"How do you know you're at a gay picnic? All the hotdogs taste like shit. Ba-dum-tsss.
"
227340,"Trump's last two chances to save his election campaign at the second debate: 1. Be endorsed by Dave. 2. Bring out a resurrected Harambe on stage.
"
16602,"Dad: Why are your eyes red, son? Son: I smoke weed, dad.  Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you're a faggot.
"
138213,"Hello jokesters! How about we show off our best 'I'm so poor that...' jokes. Fell free to put any joke that you feel is funny.
"
52978,"One burrito looks at another burrito and says, """"you wanna fight?"""" The second burrito says, """"nah"""". The first burrito says, """"What are you, chicken?""""
"
914,"can't now.. having an heated argument with my toaster.
"
96335,"If you can read this You're not Floyd Mayweather
"
116574,"What's the most encouraging calisthenic? Chin-ups!
"
60434,"A man goes to a job interview... Interviewer: """"What's your greatest weakness?"""" Man: """"Probably my honesty."""" Interviewer: """"I don't think that's a weakness."""" Man: """"I don't give a fuck what you think.""""
"
27449,"Why did the hedgehog cross the road? To see he's flat mate
"
121062,"Did you hear about the gay Irish couple? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
"
108765,"What's the first thing you should do when you bring a Thai girl home? Check to make sure your dick is bigger than hers.
"
191677,"I think i'm bisexual... Every time I want sex I have to buy it.
"
19435,"Why did the biscuit cry? His mum had been a wafer too long.
"
206099,"What girl's name is like a letter? Kay (K).
"
94608,"When does a lawyer make coffee? When he has sufficient grounds
"
53354,"David Attenborough voice """"Amazing. See how the youngest of the species always needs something when the mother is in the bathroom.""""
"
93485,"Did you hear about the attempted shooting at the 2015 Pokemon World Championship? The gunmen tried to escape, but luckily, officers were able to catch'em all.
"
97017,"Found $0.83 under my pillow. It appears that I still have all of my teeth so now I'm a little worried about what I was paid for.
"
213272,"My ex-wife still misses me. BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER! ...You see it's funny cause marriage is terrible
"
228774,"I love animals, but I'm thinking of getting rid of my pet anaconda. It keeps taking horse sized dumps. Also, all my horses have gone missing.
"
184115,"Pete and Repeat went into a bar, Pete came out who was left?
"
111679,"Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish.... And a Bass Pro Shop salesman will eat for a lifetime.
"
160089,"What do a cheap robot and a high class prostitute have in common They both stop working for you after you pee on them.
"
195960,"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.
"
114530,"What do you call a bear with martial arts skills? Grizz Lee. ^I'll ^see ^myself ^out.
"
85965,"simple joke (but dirty) what's the difference between a gay guy and a refrigerator? a fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out
"
199645,"I'd tell you guys a pizza joke, but... ...it's cheesy.
"
149889,"What did the gay horse say to the straight horse? Heeeeeeyyyyyy
"
152808,"My friend told me a story about how he lost his index finger tip. It was a bit point-less.
"
84962,"Why can't you see a transgender who's a dad? Because he's a transparent. Apologies if I could've worded it different.
"
143803,"Don't you love the tan lines that girls get after sunbathing? It's almost like God came down and highlighted all the  important parts.
"
2813,"I identify as a sexual atheist With a strong belief that I will never get laid.
"
120770,"What do you call a blonde geek with cancer? A dumb terminal
"
154135,"Have you ever smelt moth balls before? Isn't it hard to pull their little legs apart?
"
177738,"Why did the bike fall over Because it was two tired
"
73804,"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just hold it in the socket and expect the world to revolve around them.
"
83011,"What do you call a Black Abortion clinic? Crime Stoppers.
"
35358,"I recently got a device that can remotely slow down any car And as an added bonus it shows me what speed they're going at too!
"
12661,"A boy talks to his mother about what he hopes to become. The boy said, """"Mom? I have something to tell you"""" """"Go ahead"""", the mother said. """"I promise not to laugh."""" *The boy wanted to be a comedian.*
"
96959,"Two things you should never do: 1. Run with scissors 2. Scissor with the runs
"
185857,"How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, """"How many women have you slept with?"""" I proudly replied, """"Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake.""""
"
40332,"[REQUEST] Jokes about tall people ?
"
111310,"""""hoes before hos"""" --the belief that your garden's needs should always come before your bitch's.
"
190956,"Almost 100 degrees here, which sucks. Although, to be fair, only the last 15 degrees suck. I'm okay with the rest of them.
"
142150,"What did the Seattle-based baker say to her apprentice? Someday you will bake like I bake.
"
35380,"every time i see a fat, bald, goateed dude in public i get excited for a split second thinking it's Louis CK
"
214318,"My friend is a German butcher He always tells me the wurst jokes.
"
146637,"Which Pokemon trainer does Scyther hate the most? Red
"
186935,"Best Christmas ever. We decided to go to the casino for the day. Happy Birthday Jesus. No whammies.
"
204575,"My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn't act the way he wanted.
"
111835,"How did the Mongols get to Europe? Steppe by steppe.
"
95051,"Why did the Mexican man throw his wife out the window? *Tequila*
"
27481,"What did the green onion say to the Thanksgiving dinner? """"I ain't no chive, Turkey.""""
"
165455,"Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick's Day this year with a quiet dinner at home. Me: Yea, the nursing home...
"
84915,"Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
"
58266,"What do you call a black man flying a plane? A PILOT you racists!
"
205010,"My uncle Paul does great bird impressions, He eats worms.
"
108812,"Anything is 'bite size' if your mouth is big enough.
"
199425,"Why is the white girl so odd? Because she can't even. I'll be over in /r/dadjokes if you need me.
"
186930,"What is a pirate's favorite element? Gold.
"
218644,"A woman asks a bartender for a double entendre He gave her one
"
4061,"""""WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I've prepared for you all."""" --General Tso
"
85080,"Just ate a Hot Pocket filled with pasta alfredo because my body is a landfill and I don't ever want a husband
"
114763,"Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I'm very sorry for your loss.
"
163814,"What's so bad about being a virgin, anyway? It means fucking nothing.
"
121033,"England was knocked out of the World Cup. It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of """"Game of Thrones.""""
"
7203,"I like to bring bags of winter clothes into strip clubs and tell them to cover up. Then yell how they're embarrassing the family.
"
120498,"What did the French man say when he tripped down the stairs? Eiffel.
"
66624,"Why did the lesbian cross the street? She was emo.
"
496,"T Rex isnt so scary if you imagine a bunch of baby T Rexes watching Barney just giggling and rolling around on the ground playing with keys.
"
34698,"The punchline might tie in perfectly with the joke... or it might knot.
"
98277,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Bride ! Bride who ? Bride and Prejudice !
"
124132,"What's the #1 horror movie in the far east ? The Sirens of the Rams.
"
226990,"Why is North Korea horrible? Because they have no Seoul.
"
150226,"What drink can wrongly convict a black man? Tequila Mockingbird
"
181350,"Who would win in a fight...your mom or your dad? From the looks of it, your dad won
"
140468,"Q: What is the difference between Windows 95  and Windows 98?  A: 3 years
"
153713,"People in Sweden keep telling me how great it is living there... But I think it's just Stockholm Syndrome.
"
195505,"Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don't have jobs and the money was probably mine.
"
94085,"I'm starting to think my crippled neighbor is gay. I am not sure if I should call him a fruit or a vegetable
"
75031,"What's 7-1? A national disappointment.
"
157566,"I'm a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
"
126494,"What makes perfect sense? The U.S. mint (cents)
"
19846,"What car does a Mexican drive? A Quebrolet.
"
227942,"What do you get for the man who has everything? Penicillin
"
132928,"What did Batman say to Robin just before they got in the batmobile? """"Get in the batmobile, Robin""""
"
205059,"When I see a """"How am I driving?"""" sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
"
104388,"Beethoven must've hated his music... Sure he spent a lifetime composing, but so far he's spent centuries decomposing.
"
176865,"Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan !
"
123659,"You can't declare Massachusetts a state of emergency Because they're actually a commonwealth.
"
87504,"Man walks into a bar and asks, """"Can I have a Colt 45?"""" """"Sorry Sir,"""" comes the reply """"We have sold out"""". """"OK, no problem, can I have a Luger and Lime instead?""""
"
81602,"Wife asked me to fix a plug for her this morning... I refused.
"
109447,"What do you call a sick bird from Mars? An ill Eagle alien. Original joke created for my 5 year old.
"
174616,"""""Had an ant farm once."""" """"Them fuckers didn't grow shit.""""
"
88243,"Why did Chris Brown stop having long-term relationships? He wanted 2 hit singles
"
149033,"i' ve just bought an house in France, southern coast. It' s very Nice.
"
54099,"Why can't Asians make white babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white
"
207785,"What do you call a man with a one inch penis? Justin.
"
106004,"What's a ghost's favorite sexual act? Booooooooooooookake
"
98201,"Circle jerking For when you and your friends want to finish more than each other's sentences.
"
60520,"Why do lesbians prefer going to Sports Authority? They don't like Dicks...
"
127174,"Why did the police arrest the energizer bunny? He was wanted for several charges of battery
"
9897,"Sikh turban dude
"
30802,"I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.
"
52638,"Never trust couscous. It's just fat sand.
"
163278,"LPT: If you couldn't fit all of the planets in the planetary alignment in one shot Try backing up a bit
"
33865,"You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, """"Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave.""""
"
126196,"The programmer's wife tells her husband: """"Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. if they have eggs, get a dozen."""" The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
"
38686,"It's just not sanitary to let people get under your skin.
"
71409,"My neighbors complain about me throwing my cigarette butts on the lawn but they'll be pumped when a cigarette tree sprouts in the spring
"
216965,"'I like mouse but I couldn't eat a whole one' - Our sodding cat
"
90319,"I watched """"The Edge of Tomorrow"""" hundreds of times there seems to be an awful lot of alternative endings though.
"
163483,"WIFE: there's a bear outside our tent ME: so W: so scare him off M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president *bear jumps into fire*
"
127156,"Dad always said """"Time to hit the sack!"""" before bed. Not sure how getting punched in the testicles helped him sleep, but that was just dad.
"
198737,"Did you hear about the guy who tried to drown his wife with cough syrup before finally strangling her to death? He was jailed for pre-medicated murder.
"
24382,"Learning to ride a bike is like losing your virginity... No matter how many years go by, you never forget the feeling of your dads hands on your shoulders as he pushes.
"
174985,"Batman: Use this spotlight to call me. Robin: What if it's daytime? Batman: *glares at Robin* Gordon: Yeah, what if it- Batman: *smoke bomb*
"
227923,"What do you call a nun lost in the woods? A Roamin Catholic.
"
130519,"What did the apple say to the banana? Nothing -- apples don't talk!
"
227765,"My biggest fear in life is dying from the .01% of germs that the hand sanitizer doesn't kill.
"
198745,"What do you do if a black man is harassing you? Tell his owner.
"
11678,"""""STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG"""" I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. """"This is NOTHING like Twilight!!""""
"
148604,"Sour cream is Mexican ketchup. I put that shit on everything.
"
125886,"TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff. #lifehacks
"
214908,"What's the best thing about fucking a baby? You get both anal and deep throat at the same time.
"
203890,"Who is the smartest person in the world, doing the silliest thing right now? Apparently, that's you.
"
415,"Did you hear about the calendar thief? He got 12 months; they say his days are numbered!
"
141211,"What's the difference between my wife and a dead baby? I didn't kill the baby for not shutting the fuck up.
"
77316,"Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
"
220745,"Someone stole a NFL playbook, uploaded it to the internet. All the plays were bootlegs.
"
107416,"Half of my Facebook friends are still there solely because their life is a train wreck and it's entertaining.
"
53692,"What did the Korean family call their dog? Stu
"
131477,"The Top Three things for Halloween you can do now in North Carolina: #3 Swim with the sharks, #2 Have an account on Ashley Madison, #1 riding a street car in Charlotte NC.
"
8565,"Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta away!
"
180340,"Golfer: """"Please stop checking your watch all the time caddy. It's distracting!"""" Caddy: """"This isn't a watch sir its a compass!""""
"
182944,"""""Do not purchase if seal is broke"""" *looks over at homeless seal* *places canned pickles back on the shelf*
"
149532,"Listening to Jay-Z has literally taught me everything I know about whether or not a cop can legally search my car.
"
29098,"Why don't blind people skydive? Because it scares their dogs too much!
"
80189,"Dear President Kennedy, is it cool if we start asking what our country can do for us yet?
"
118118,"I got a secret! I got a secret! Whiskey: Not anymore.
"
141900,"Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You've actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
"
196785,"ME: I wasn't invited to the party FRIEND: Yeah, people think you're melodramatic ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
"
45175,"I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
"
31581,"Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
"
74504,"Can't believe I'm still writing """"-oslovakian"""" on all my Czechs.
"
77722,"Whose elbows are ashier than everyone else's? The Jews.
"
152118,"Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
"
7302,"What do wizards call unmagical African Americans? Niggles
"
203145,"What is it called when Batman abandons Gotham city? Christian Bale.
"
175948,"Hey guys, I invented a new word! Plagiarism.
"
19412,"What is a Canadian's Favorite Game? Sorry!
"
37100,"If I had 10 cookies and someone takes away 5, what would they have? A broken hand
"
15304,"A monkey was arrested today when he started throwing flaming feces at zoo employees. Three of the zoo employees were rushed to the hospital with turd debris burns.
"
4409,"Why does Game of Thrones always kill off its main characters? For the good of the watch.
"
45983,"I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
"
102893,"Thought you guys might enjoy this.. What kind of bees make milk? Boobies! Yes. It is stupid but it makes me smile. Anyone have a stupid joke like this that just makes you laugh?
"
29897,"A man telephoned an airline office in New York and asked """"How long does it take to fly to Boston?"""" The clerk said """"Just a minute..."""" """"Thank you"""" the man said and hung up.
"
141820,"Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?
"
135237,"Why do accountants make the best serial killers? Because they're calculating.
"
206944,"What do cows get when they are sick? Hay Fever
"
60867,"The clock was bored of his tick-tock... ...so he changed to a better tack-tick.
"
52422,"Hub: Did you eat all the nachos? Me: Noooo. I had one nacho. Hub: because they were stuck together? Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
"
59981,"A woman walks into a bar She walks up to the counter and says to the bartender, """"Gimme a double entendre."""" So he gives it to her.
"
163746,"Why is my girlfriend fat? Because I'm ugly.
"
79475,"A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner... ...The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. """"Och, I look like a pig!"""" The man nods, """"And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!""""
"
44249,"I asked Donald Trump what he thought about my penis He said it's going to be huuuuuuge.
"
54286,"My favorite new social app is turning off my phone.
"
101373,"I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That's it. No more reading!
"
108123,"How does a black women tell she is pregnant? When she pulls the tampon out and the cotton is already picked.
"
63489,"In this sentence, their are exactly three errorrs.
"
94411,"""""It's definitely better without a condom"""" I say, removing it from my soup
"
220441,"How many bees do you need in a bee choir ? A humdred !
"
87268,"Why can't the train lady have a baby? Because she's miss carriaged.^(is it morbid?)
"
179486,"I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking  about walking??
"
197000,"I turned to her and said """"We're all just seeking validation, aren't we?"""" She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
"
223738,"I used to know a real good joke about the Jonestown Massacre... Man, it was a good one too. The punchline was killer.
"
25376,"Why couldn't the hipsters save the hippies? They were too far out.
"
82979,"Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you're usage
"
33940,"In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.
"
143885,"Where does marine wildlife get treated? The Squid-ward.
"
132363,"Why did the farmer start a punk rock band? He was tired of Haulin' Oats
"
76749,"Did I mention ... I can't believe it's nearly Christmas. I once tried to balance a board on two wheels. Did I mention I make terrible segways?
"
100251,"I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.
"
177360,"Nothing says, """"I have a lot of free time,"""" more than someone eating a pomegranate.
"
120594,"Ouija board......""""your going to die!"""" Me: you're*
"
103624,"Does England have a Fourth of July? They do, they just don't celebrate it.
"
13089,"Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I'm eating around a sticker on an apple cause I'm too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
"
118243,"What do you call large number of cannibals stranded on an island? A *free-for-all-you-can-eat.*
"
77796,"Micheal Sam will have the most sacks in the NFL next year... ....on his face
"
121579,"Everyone hates Mondays and Tuesdays Even the weekdays go WTF
"
154537,"""""Why I watch porn backwards"""" -friend doing comedy, please enjoy Reddit!
"
228973,"What's the saddest sea-creature? abalonely
"
30135,"What did the cheeseburger name her daughter? Patty.
"
178718,"Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.
"
998,"If she's naming your wedding album on facebook """"wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!"""" she's too young for you bro.
"
161190,"I can't believe that they only taught us abstinence during sex ed! It's inconceivable!
"
8623,"You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you're supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that's running just punkd you.
"
88878,"Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
"
176512,"Why did blonde open a fishcan in a shop? Because on top of it was written : Open here.
"
87248,"'911 HELP SOMEONE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE' uh ok, wow. not loving your tone. why don't you hang up, lose the 'tude and lets try that again, pal
"
35580,"the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
"
143857,"Most conversations that occur over Bluetooth are about buying a used jet ski.
"
145853,"If another day goes by without a Matthew, Mark, Luke and John forming a boyband called New Testament, I'm going to give up on everything.
"
162154,"4 out of 5 people say Han shot first He actually shot 5th
"
143408,"How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He's breathing.
"
155220,"How do you kill 200 flies at once? You slap an Ethiopian in the face.
"
184292,"Before you take advice from me... you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
"
11441,"There are two types of people Those who use false dichotomies, and those who don't.
"
55381,"I can feel you getting distant from me; my only wish for you is that your destination is oncoming traffic.
"
24248,"Two blondes were walking in a park ...when one of them said: """"Look, a dead bird!"""" The other one looked up in the sky and asked """"where?""""
"
11894,"You're invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won't be any food.
"
55643,"a group of kittens is called a litter because kittens are garbage
"
216422,"Why should you never hit people with violins?? Because violins is not the answer...
"
14834,"What is common between my ex-wife and my last job? They don't suck anymore.
"
204306,"How can you tell if your sister is on her period? Your dad's dick tastes funny.
"
135120,"When I was young our phones didn't have internet, they had SNAKE!
"
187462,"Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was a polar bear
"
89987,"What will a blind, deaf child with no arms get for Christmas? Cancer.
"
5817,"Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12... ....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu
"
114667,"I tried to give a motivation: Backfired So this friend of mine broke up with his long term girl friend.I told him """" to hang in there""""and he literally hanged himself. Was that a dick motivation?
"
125278,"A vegan, a few crossfitters and a bunch of atheists are coming over for Easter There's no joke, I just thought you all should know
"
112996,"Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
"
203085,"Hannibal Lecter tells his first victim what he is going to do to him... Victim- """"You are shitting me..."""" Hannibal- """"Not yet""""
"
148502,"No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of him than he deserves.
"
142747,"What the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels? John Wayne stopped killing Indians a long time ago.
"
213748,"A woman always gets the last word in an argument, because anything a man says after that is the first words in a new argument.
"
231227,"Sex Is Like A Restaurant Sometimes You Get Good Service, Sometimes Bad Service, Sometimes No Service, And Sometimes You Have To Be Happy With Self-Service
"
200182,"Entropy ...isn't what it used to be.
"
27252,"I'm still not a member of Jem and the Holograms and that is truly truly truly outrageous.
"
116224,"A recent study of blue-collar workers showed that what they love best about their jobs is their days off.
"
213739,"I wanted to be a tailor. But I didn't suit the job.
"
63217,"What kind of horse has trouble keeping track of  his Macintosh? An Appaloosa!
"
139673,"Q: How did the chewing gum cross the road? A: By sticking to the chicken's foot.
"
107786,"Whoever said nothing good comes easy Never had a premature ejaculation.
"
229082,"What goes great with noodles? COMPANY!
"
104535,"My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly. ~Superglue, probably..
"
57066,"What's the difference between New York City and the Land of Mordor? Two Towers.
"
41945,"Did you hear the one about the wooden car? With the wooden wheels? And the wooden engine? .... it wooden work
"
57301,"Are you pudgey? Cause you have me hooked!
"
119240,"""""Can you spot me, bro?"""" - Waldo, at the gym
"
102564,"Yoga, a Hindi word meaning I hope I don't fart
"
15960,"Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I've gone.
"
61555,"Those who say """"two wrongs don't make a right"""" have obviously never tried ranch dressing on french fries.
"
106698,"A new zoo opened up in my town, but it only has one dog. It's a shih tzu
"
183191,"I told my wife we are all reincarnated, but MUST come back as a different creature. She said she wanted to come back as a cow..... .... then I said: """"You obviously haven't been listening"""".
"
98566,"Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once Upon A Time......last night......I had a few drinks and......borrowed your credit card.
"
102058,"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.
"
34802,"I am exceedingly charismatic but I have trouble pronouncing words beginning with 'f' and 'th'..... ...... Can't say fairer than that.
"
147752,"The Love for music! If someday we all go to prison for downloading music, I hope they split us by music genre.
"
209723,"Why couldn't the Coast Guard save the hippie? Because he was wayyy far out man.
"
151345,"What did the cannibals do with the midget? Put another shrimp on the barbie.
"
223556,"PHP Dating Advice I had a date() with PHP and I had to mktime() for it.
"
36638,"What's the worst thing about being a black jew? . . You gotta sit in the back of the oven
"
174500,"She wanted me to spice things up in bed. But my Jalapenis just burnt her.
"
28740,"My boss told me to have a good day... So I went home.
"
189551,"In life, sometimes it's not good to be very specific. For instance, it's okay to say """"I love kids"""" but it's frowned upon to say """"I love 12 year olds.""""
"
18131,"A bit too dark possibly. The war in Vietnam started in 1955 and in 2015 The Charlie was finally massacred.
"
202598,"What is logic? A mute telling a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a paraplegic running behind a bald guy while grabbing his hair.
"
178927,"Why did the terrorist buy himself a Porsche? He was going through a midlife ISIS :(
"
214970,"Why does Torque live on campus? Because cross products don't commute!
"
221222,"How did the hipster burn his fingertips? He was changing the lightbulb before it was cool. [rimshot]
"
140155,"Cigarettes are just like hamsters. They're perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light it on fire.
"
209679,"If Carly Fiorina really wants to destroy Planned Parenthood, she should become its CEO &lt;badumpa&gt;
"
68932,"Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn't let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
"
197505,"How do you keep a programmer in the shower  all day? Give him a bottle of shampoo which says """"lather rinse repeat.""""
"
219003,"Have you heard the one about the three holes in the ground? Well well well...
"
210760,"The best part about dating a homeless girl You can drop her off anywhere.
"
37568,"Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.
"
117688,"I've been on a diet for a month and I've lost exactly 4 weeks.
"
79013,"Dad, I'm thirsty. Hey Thursday, I'm Friday.
"
158568,"Texting chemists. """"Where are you?"""" """"Out getting some potassium."""" """"Umm...K?"""" """"Yeah exactly."""" """"...""""
"
197736,"The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.
"
5277,"What do you call a hacker who stays home when it snows outside? Edward Snowed-in!
"
169099,"Why couldn't Joe get to home? He was a Mets fan.
"
52993,"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody Nose
"
11525,"I truly believe that there are some people who listen to you when you talk and there's other people who just wait for it to be their turn.
"
156239,"I always assumed the movie """"Grease"""" got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
"
120734,"How many people does it take to circumcise a Whale? Four Skindivers.
"
194290,"What do blondes and computer have in common? You never appreciate them until they go down on you. [Source](http://www.vice.com/kids-telling-dirty-jokes/david-741) edit: computers
"
183444,"My wife asked me recently to do something to commemorate our pet dog who got run over and killed last month. So I took a shit on the carpet.
"
52402,"Hilary Clinton will make the best president She will save us 25% in salary right from the start.
"
152692,"A severed foot... ...is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg
"
60190,"What do MLK, Elvis, and the Houston Oilers have in common? They all died in Tennessee
"
221856,"If a woman puts me in the friend zone I immediately borrow money from her and never pay it back because that's what friends do.
"
72668,"I farted on the train and 4 people turned around. Felt like I was on The Voice. (Not an original joke)
"
203543,"Hey I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is
"
88886,"What is an apt gift for a female porn star that collects vintage comic books? An issue of *Giant Sized Man-Thing*
"
168225,"I quietly left my job as a set designer... I didn't want to make a scene.
"
80864,"Did you hear about the 3 car pileup in Tijuana? 28 people died
"
197848,"I never believed that my dad was stealing from his job as a roadworker But when i got home all of the signs were there.
"
50876,"After the """"incident"""" at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
"
176126,"My son's soccer coach just said, """"You can't spell """"triumph"""" without 'try,'"""" and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
"
128250,"What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea? I have never wanted to have a garbanzo bean in my mouth.
"
102595,"Sharks are more likely to go and attack men than women So if you are swimming with women. Just punch it in the nose Then throw her towards the shark
"
216185,"I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected. 
"
190736,"A lot of people end a question with a period. Usually that question is """"Am I pregnant?""""
"
37265,"My girlfriend found lipstick in my jacket pocket. I told her straight up I was cheating. There's no way that I was going to confess that I sell Avon
"
153046,"""""Change is never easy..."""" ~McDonalds employees
"
72014,"Recent studies have shown that 67% of women have used vibrators The other 33% have brand new ones
"
163577,"Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
"
176472,"What did the man say after he was hit by the car? Nothing. He was dead.
"
166845,"A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, """"Why the long face?"""" And the horse says, """"I'm finally realizing that my alcoholism is driving my family apart.""""
"
69692,"Somebody left a baby at my front door today, and I have no idea what to do with it. I just hope it's gone by tomorrow.
"
197759,"Would you give a blowjob for a million dollars? Yes? Can I get a dollar's worth?
"
103613,"What was Viktor Frankenstein's favorite sport? Body building.
"
80252,"You know what they say about tapirs?... They're nosey pigs.
"
98672,"What's the best part about being cremated? Finally achieving a smokin' hot body.
"
102956,"I buy every comic book I see. . . My friends say I have lots of issues.
"
104836,"My husband really loves our new couch. In fact, he loves it so much he called me his exwife's name just so he could sleep on it.
"
52863,"Only in New York will they pay $5 a bottle for cold water, but cry when it's free from the sky.
"
186035,"A guy goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide The librarian looks at him and says, """"Fuck off, you won't return it!""""
"
75120,"Did you hear the one they don't tell retards? NO? Oh well never mind then.
"
200185,"Hey, Schumi that slope looks pretty steep! Nah, I'll rock this shit!
"
189742,"I heard if you fuck a horse... Your back to the future!
"
205033,"How Long is an asian dick I mean, seriously, I saw him stealing cookies from a little girl.
"
129712,"Can someone give me an arrow? I knee'd it.
"
127840,"That's the last time I play Twister with a guy in a kilt.
"
210852,"I didn't masturbate for over a year. That mistake blew up in my face.
"
218857,"There is a race between a skull and a small butt one's clearly ahead, the other's a little behind
"
138592,"*runs into coworker at store* *pretends I don't speak English*
"
218341,"What do the Japanese call a large apartment? An itssoroomy.
"
169311,"Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies. They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
"
89458,"Happy poops are all alike; every unhappy poop is unhappy in its own way.
"
55811,"Not to brag, but I still fit into the low self-esteem I wore in high school.
"
20846,"What do vegetarian zombies eat? GRAAAIIIINS
"
118136,"My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn't invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
"
140763,"What do you call a golf club in the rear of your car? A backseat driver
"
39763,"A small bird made of oak Be good if there was a related joke, wooden tit? (Credit: Tim Vine)
"
174239,"If someone who knows several languages is multi-lingual, someone who knows two is bilingual, what is a person who only knows one? Average American
"
12637,"The police came to my door and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes My dogs don't even have bikes
"
96068,"May the Fourth. Today is my birthday. The fourth hath always been with me. Even if I have a lithp.
"
197665,"Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?
"
132202,"Man was rushed to ER after putting 4 plastic horses up his ass... After being treated, doctor described his state as stable
"
24686,"A wise man once said........................... nothing,,, He just let her vent
"
146259,"I've started up a chip shop in Auschwitz. I called it """"Arbeit Macht Fries"""".
"
161996,"Me: 'I love you so much, I'll see you later beautiful' Girlfriend: 'I love you too' Me: *Looks up from patting dog* 'Yeah see you later'
"
150481,"All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don't drink tequila anymore.
"
177668,"My uncle came out of the closet yesterday
"
143021,"I dig. You dig. We dig. They dig. He dig. She dig. Now it's not a very beautiful poem, but it's quite deep.
"
223599,"My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
"
202637,"A marching band passed by this morning, shouting """"Make America Great Again!"""" Must be some Donald Trumpeters.
"
14799,"If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
"
101329,"Why did the gynecologist take a vacation out of the country? To study abroad.
"
147890,"What will you find in the toilet of a ship? The captains log.
"
67881,"My boss My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Stephen.
"
125239,"Why do sharks like stoners? Because they're baked snacks.
"
186472,"What's the cheapest meat on the Market? Dear balls. They're under a buck.
"
163801,"Why is Helen Keller a bad driver? Because she's a woman
"
46628,"[NSFW] Sex is like flipping a coin Either way you're getting heads or tails
"
143911,"I used to have a pet piglet.... I used to have a pet piglet, watching it discover the world was really interesting at first. But after a few months it became a bit of a boar.
"
131025,"INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to """"move it move it."""" ME: That's correct. I: It goes on like for... 30 pages. M: And?
"
93682,"You So ugly.. Local restaurant band you from coming in You can only take Togo orders..
"
143691,"I'm torn between feeling like I can do anything if I wanted to, and feeling like I don't want to do anything because I don't want to.
"
139882,"The """"L"""" in Samuel L. Jackson stands for """"Motherfucker"""".
"
93999,"The thing about bird jokes are... sometimes they're hard to swallow. Owl let myself out.
"
108159,"SOCIAL MEDIA GROUPS For how small springfield is, it has a lot of social media groups... Which one do you like/hate? 217 Problems Springfield exposed Springfaild
"
1503,"Two space shuttle crews watched Felix Baumgartner and thought: """"WE COULD HAVE HAD PARACHUTES?""""
"
32918,"knock knock......... who's there?? an old joke p.s. Today is National Tell an Old Joke Day
"
167507,"Captain Ahab is like G.W. Bush They're both violent men that have a revenge fantasy against a cheap source of oil.
"
107753,"I'm going to the bathroom to take a dump Can I get you anything?
"
191671,"What do you call an owl escapologist? The great Hootini
"
130149,"I long for the good old days, when all the men wore suits and all the women wore dresses and they put cocaine in soda
"
153220,"What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal? Check, mate.
"
92832,"Your Mother and I are like peanut butter and jelly She spreads and I jam
"
73072,"Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realising the other person was born an idiot.
"
19432,"I just read a list of """"100 things to do before you die."""" I'm surprised """"yell for help"""" didn't make the list.
"
192771,"UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES 8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA 8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR 8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT 8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU
"
125376,"What kind of amphibian is in charge of the salad bar? a salad-manager
"
52076,"Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
"
38616,"My new television is really hyperactive. It's an ADHDTV.
"
60517,"I just discovered the opposite of an orgasm. It was such an anti climax.
"
191760,"It's claimed Macaulay Culkin's health problems are linked to a difficult childhood. No sh1t. His parents forgot to take him on holiday 4 times
"
89976,"Did you hear about the new Fiber One bars? Apparently nobody gives a shit.
"
64924,"I hurt my neck sleeping on a pillow that was too fluffy. My body is not meant for this world.
"
227086,"Today is Sigmund Freud's birthday Which reminds me, Mother's Day is this weekend.
"
52813,"*lays head on homeless guys lap* """"You would not believe the day I had""""
"
34259,"If one door closes & another door opens, you're probably in prison.
"
166448,"I thought my wife had Tourette Syndrome. Turns out I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off.
"
202776,"Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
"
159771,"""""My mum hung a picture of me when I was 5 on the wall."""" """"Months? Years?"""" """"No, seconds.""""
"
197222,"What do you call a deer with no eyes ? No idea :)
"
134083,"How do drugs end up in prison? They get smuggled in by some asshole.
"
115420,"There's an iPhone app that scans your face and tells you how ugly you are. You don't need this. If your phone doesn't ring at all, you're ugly.
"
153664,"[Drive-thru] CRONUS: Yes- I'll have the bucket of popcorn children Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir? CRONUS: omg what did I say
"
59719,"You know all that confetti that fell at the end of the DNC. I heard it was made up of the 30,000 missing e-mails.
"
161862,"What's the hardest part about being a pedophile? just trying to fit in.
"
219970,"What do you call a women with 1 leg? ilene
"
45671,"A boomerang walks into a bar. Gets thrown out but he came back in again.
"
77526,"How to catch a polar bear Cut a hole in the ice. Surround the hole with frozen peas. When the bear walks up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole!
"
162636,"Dirty Joke My sex life with my wife has started degrading. Guess it's time to Bury her corpse
"
117459,"Why didn't the Mexican guy at work take out the trash at work when I asked him? He had *senor*-ity!
"
68914,"I bought a great book today: The History of Krazy Glue I can't put it down
"
194049,"A social gathering without food is called a """"Don't.""""
"
119517,"I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
"
86484,"What's black and white and dead all over?
"
39743,"""""?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA"""" - reverse psychology
"
22390,"Waiter asked if I wanted the soup or salad Me: Yes, I'll take the super salad
"
19089,"I just ate wood chips covered in lead-based paint... Hopefully I'll """"number 2"""" a pencil.
"
42743,"I'm not sure which super villain I want to be for Halloween yet Right now it's between The Joker and the white privileged male.
"
191890,"What do you call 4 chinese guys and 4 black guys standing in a line? A sprinkler, chink chink chink chink nigga nigga nigga nigga
"
83276,"What's roughly 6 inches long, has a head on it, and women love it so much that they often blow it? A 20 dollar bill
"
159865,"My bunny thumps at trash collectors. Nice to know that if the Sanitation Dept. ever has ill intentions, she won't stand for any of that shit
"
85361,"A priest and a rabbi walk into a horse show in Amsterdam... What is this world coming to?
"
181607,"When I was young, sticking my tongue out to someone was like giving them the middle finger.
"
228232,"My girlfriend treats me like a god Now if I can only get her to stop being an atheist.
"
202763,"being a secretary must really suck.
"
114145,"What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina? Only one fifth of what comes out of her vagina is retarded.
"
3169,"How many women does it take to play tennis? You can't play tennis in the kitchen
"
72531,"Which kitchen appliance do surfers dislike most? The micro wave.
"
143069,"Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.
"
168061,"A condom isn't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
"
23026,"Q: How many MP's does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
"
182360,"What happens to a person when they move out of Asia? They become dis-oriented!
"
226788,"I dreamt I was in a very magical world where people didn't get butthurt over every little f*cking joke. Weird huh?!?!
"
47364,"My wife told me that she isn't very happy with our sex life. A small part of me disagrees.
"
179148,"If Dwane Johnson were to actually run for President... He could only lose to paper.
"
81155,"What is it called when Venom snake gets spotted doing something bad? Getting caught red handed!
"
129949,"I'm opening a bar called The Office. You're welcome guys. """"Be home soon sweetie, I'm at The Office""""
"
133093,"What did the egg say to the boiling water? """"It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick""""
"
116988,"How many white cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None...he fell
"
168133,"My ex-wife was deaf. she left me for a deaf friend of hers i should have seen the signs.
"
217873,"What did one businessmen voyeur say to the other? I'll have my peephole call your peephole.
"
222594,"This presidential race in America has taught us at least one thing. Once you go black you can go back.
"
166216,"Are You a Gorilla Exhibit? Because I want to drop a baby in you.
"
230362,"What do you call a laughing labradoodle? A snickerdoodle.
"
199781,"Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
"
225845,"I can't stand Russian Dolls... They're always so full of themselves!
"
39991,"My friend told me Alan Rickman had passed away. I said """"You're joking?"""".... ...She replied """"Nope. Dead Sirius.""""
"
190885,"What happens if an elephant comes through your letterbox? Swim for it.
"
220250,"Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?  He heard the snow blower coming.
"
71354,"You don't notice the air, until someone spoils it.
"
210901,"Auto correct can go straight to He'll
"
144792,"DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.
"
88816,"What was the score of the lobster soccer game? Zero to zero. Lobsters can't kick soccer balls.
"
86748,"Did you guys see that episode of Finding Bigfoot last night? [SPOILERS] They didn't find Bigfoot.
"
192473,"Never confuse a Kiwi with an Aussie. One's a soft, hairy fruit and the other's a Kiwi!
"
170917,"It's been a week since my wife went missing. The police told me to expect the worst. So I took her things back out of the garbage bin.
"
175464,"Sled prices are too damn high but you can find a good deal if you're willing toboggan.
"
194956,"I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic That makes two of us
"
41383,"Hey guys, wanna hear a joke? Reddit servers.
"
203116,"If you are standing with one foot in France and one in Germany taking a piss, what are you? European
"
226602,"If you can't enjoy sex when I sing Ladysmith Black Mambazo, we either need to hire 9 black men or have the racism talk.
"
71404,"When a computer program says """"Not Responding"""" I start texting it stuff like """"Who are you with?"""" and """"Just heard our song""""
"
227482,"After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
"
10731,"I like my women like I like my sliced meat... Artificial with a bit if fat around the edges.
"
167817,"I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don't have any Cheerios in this house. *eats it
"
130350,"A special joke for Mothers Day What's the difference between three dicks and a joke? Your mum cant take a joke.
"
44166,"Breaking Ne ws
"
80629,"Q: How do you catch a squirrel? A: Climb in a tree and act like a nut.
"
34603,"What's the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I'm in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
"
189759,"What's Santas favorite band? Sleigher.
"
158677,"Do you wanna lose ten pounds of ugly fat? Cut off your head.
"
126582,"Santa, Tooth Fairy, easter bunny, a smart blonde and a dumb blonde.. are all around a $100 bill, who gets it? The dumb blonde, because the rest are all imaginary...
"
91646,"Did you hear about the magician who became a farmer? ...he was driving his tractor down the road, and suddenly, he turned into a field.
"
116328,"Why do they call it P.M.S.? Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
"
89045,"What do you do before deploying a tickle into production? A testicle!
"
214445,"Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies?  Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup?  .
"
12302,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Aleta ! Aleta who ? Aleta from the tax man !
"
131092,"This banker I know has absolutely no friends... I think he's loanly
"
16534,"Rape fantasy Guy: """"Wanna do a rape fantasy?"""" Woman: """"No!"""" Guy: """"That's the spirit""""
"
21608,"Why don't Australians have sex? Because they mate. ...I'll let myself out.
"
81465,"""""To each their own"""" Translation ~ one of us is right, and well... the other one is you.
"
139340,"Sent a tweet with a typo. Deleted it and now I'm gonna be bummed about until mid June.
"
72993,"Japan's Woman Soccer Team
"
211130,"I let Ellen drive the bus... Pao! Atlest she was able to digg our graves.
"
183271,"What would a depressed Abraham Lincoln do? Slit the writ of habeas corpus.
"
165590,"What's the grossest number? 6.9 because it's a 69 with a period in the middle.
"
109448,"What did Shakespeare name his pet pig? Hamlet.
"
40273,"Went to a restaurant. The sign said """"breakfast anytime."""" So I ordered French toast during the renaissance
"
203331,"what's the difference between peanut butter and jam you cant peanut butter your way in someones ass
"
120679,"What do you get if you cross a skunk and an owl? A bird that stinks but doesn't give a hoot!
"
137372,"Help me reddit. I've quit smoking and I'm gaining weight Before, I only had to reach into my pockets to feel a little lighter.
"
141439,"What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip!
"
63803,"What do you call a strongheaded female rapper, and a flatulent Spanish woman? One's a Queen Latifah, and one's a Queef Latina.
"
154604,"The advantage of using a nailcutter is, you won't get scratchmark on your forehead skin and the disadvantage is, you can't peel off garlic skin.
"
66708,"I'd rather keep thinking there are punctuation errors in everything I read than clean my monitor.
"
79900,"DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris? ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris SON: OMG!! ME: (to son) what's wrong 97FordF150?
"
169948,"Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!? Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
"
205179,"Fuck holes in my cheese. It's just wasted space where more cheese could be.
"
142829,"Unknown numbers calling and leaving 3 seconds of silence as a voicemail is the greatest unsolved mystery of my life.
"
157331,"When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I'm having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
"
50038,"Q: What is a volcano? A: A mountain with the hiccups.
"
100471,"Bruce Willis... Bruce Willis will probably keep making action movies. Because, you know what they say about old habits...
"
2909,"What Does A Tickle Me Elmo Get Before It Leaves The Factory? Two Test-Tickles
"
167809,"Do I want Internet Explorer to remember my password? Do you want a wild raccoon to babysit your family?
"
49281,"A Jew, a woman, and a racist walk into a bar. The bartender says """"I bet you thought this was going to be about the elections, didn't you?""""
"
61995,"lovely joke Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet.
"
156331,"So what's Robin Hood up to these days? He changed his name to 'Bernie Sanders' and is now running for president.
"
44850,"How many Android users does it take to buy an iPhone? Zero. Apple doesn't accept EBT.
"
132863,"What is a menstruating woman's favorite genre of movies? Period films
"
26095,"My european friend Opee is opening up a restaurant where he claims to have the 'worlds best pizza'. His restaurant is in the middle of no where, but don't worry Opee Delivers
"
8870,"Me, as a judge: OK we'll take a quick recess now. *lawyers start discussing lawyer things* *I go outside and swing on the swingset*
"
48238,"""""Ramen"""". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
"
59355,"What is easier done than said?
"
196522,"Look mom, my boobs are starting to grow! Yeah Mike, you should lose some weight.
"
87841,"How To Avoid Dating You're too young for me. I'm too young for you. I don't date men my age. Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
"
141996,"fovorite irish jokes? how does an irish duck say hello... whats the quack? - this may be the worst irish joke ever... does anyone have an irish joke worse than this?
"
57239,"A Game of Thrones Joke What do Theon Greyjoy and Justin Timberlake have in common? A dick in a box.
"
56814,"Why do I wash my clothes in TIDE? ... because it's too cold out-tide.
"
188118,"Do you know where I can buy tickets to the Gun Show? at the Armitorium.
"
199374,"Whats the difference between two dicks and a joke? Your mom can't take a joke.
"
101644,"Ladies, holding out on sex with your man to get what you want will not work. He will just take longer showers.
"
48513,"I have laughed at THOUSANDS of jokes where I couldn't understand what the person is saying.
"
19539,"How to kill time. Hold your right ear with your lett hand and your nose with your right hand, then hold your left ear with your right hand and your nose with your left hand, and repeat and repeat.
"
76784,"Why is Helium so trustworthy? Because HE's noble.
"
185856,"Any size pizza is a personal pizza... if you eat it all by yourself
"
108911,"Did you hear about the epileptic who won the dance contest? He only got up to get a drink.
"
152810,"I tried clicking on the 'NEW' tab... It just said 'Nothing to see here'.
"
49021,"When I find something in my purse on the first reach-in I feel like I should get some applause or something.
"
214090,"Watching Whitney Houston's funeral Was like watching every Tyler Perry movie at once
"
54542,"What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period? You get your palm read for free
"
129832,"as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I'm an adult, I think it's a tremendous amount of money
"
13597,"What Does a Gynecologist and a Pizza worker have in common? They both get to smell it, but neither gets to eat it.
"
220374,"I haven't found cancer jokes funny since.. my grandfather got killed by a giant crab.
"
160029,"Fannee Doolee loves sleep, but she doesn't love bedtime. Why do you think that is? Because Fannee Doolee has crippling anxiety, and falling asleep reminds her of her inevitable death.
"
86573,"What does a massage therapist with a speech impediment who moonlights as a dubstep dj do all day? Wub, wub, wubs.
"
109589,"My question is: how did she manage to forget the result?
"
230230,"Why was the Icelandic football player called into his manager's office? He had a cavity.
"
217582,"I used to work at an orange juice factory... I ended up getting fired because I couldn't concentrate.
"
147751,"I told this woman that I still had not forgotten how to make a spacerocket. You can not forget what you never learned.
"
97051,"A man and a little boy walk into the woods... the little boy says, """"It sure is dark and scary!"""" The man looks at the boy and says, """"How do you think I feel? I have to walk out of here alone!""""
"
173591,"How can you tell when witches are carrying a time bomb? You can hear their brooms tick!
"
64677,"Why was hitler bad with directions? Because three reichs don't make a left.
"
139481,"How many indie bands does it take to change a light bulb? Eh, it's some number you've probably never heard of.
"
129513,"How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none. They would just beat the room because it was black.
"
44734,"How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave? No clue. Too busy masturbating.
"
204808,"I just want to look as good as Madonna does now when I've also been dead for 27yrs.
"
189573,"By reading this tweet, you have earned a masters in communication from Stephen Colbert """"University."""" Standard text messaging rates apply.
"
154750,"Did you know there's a bird named after a dildo? The wood pecker.
"
54377,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? trick question: you don't need a light bulb when you have a glass ceiling
"
104821,"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, """"Give me a beer and a mop.""""
"
34270,"Why was the African prostitute arrested for murder? Men kept disappearing in her black hole! (#69BadJokes buy it like everywhere on-line!) ((unless you're a hater of funny stuff ;))
"
157591,"I might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer but I will still cut you.
"
71917,"7 yo son asked how Grandpa got lung cancer. I said, """"Well, he quit a long time ago, but for many many years, Grandpa played Minecraft.""""
"
105049,"Why did Captain Hook cross the road? To get to the second hand shop
"
55356,"Statistically speaking, every male has had a crush on a teacher... For me, it's my wife's yoga instructor.
"
44504,"My grandad has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime ban from the Edinburgh zoo
"
209355,"When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, """"HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.""""
"
76221,"The creepiest thing you can do is drive next to someone on the highway at the exact same speed.
"
138358,"Yo mama is so fat that when she walked in front of the TV, I missed 3 seasons of Breaking Bad
"
17590,"Who dropped a wad of notes with an elastic band round them? I did! Well here's the elastic band.
"
54820,"Passover jokes? In case conversation at our seder lags.
"
81541,"sisters take a selfie crank http://grabfile.co/189159
"
112763,"Earthworms will always laugh at a poop joke... They really eat that shit up.
"
135435,"I saw a man sitting on a curb looking down on his luck so I gave him a dollar he gave it back and said """" I'm not homeless, I'm married """"
"
35499,"*Buys bat for home security *it flies away Being dumb is hard.
"
22578,"A couple have a lot of sex They challenge each other to see who can have the most sex in a month. The woman wins. Some say she cheated.
"
225114,"A Las Vegas joke Criss Angel
"
18886,"Nothing makes me more suspicious than an unsolicited compliment.
"
139150,"If Trump is elected president... He will be the first billionaire to move into government housing after a black man.
"
207819,"Q: What do you get if Bach falls off a horse  but has the courage to get on again and continue riding? A: Bach in the saddle again.
"
100108,"AMA request: Paul McCartney How big of an impact has Kanye been to your music career blowing up?
"
63144,"NRA member: I've got guns. I'm in charge. Me: That's nice. I've got bubonic plague - """"cough, cough"""" - now you do, too. I win.
"
91353,"You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she's allergic to owls.
"
13717,"How are women and linoleum floors alike? You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
"
215876,"How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
"
216133,"Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist that walked into a courtroom? He got off on a technicality.
"
51931,"The UK's economy. That's the joke.
"
167768,"What kind of car does George Bush the younger drive? A BMDubya!
"
14288,"Q: How many Wardrobe people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: """"Nobody said I needed doubles on that!""""
"
10725,"Finally decided on my thesis paper. It's a LOTR themed essay in defense of Sauron Titled """"Getting away with Mordor""""
"
118282,"Yog see woman Yog ask woman out Yog go on date Yog fall in love Yog act like an idiot Yog get dumped Yoghurt.
"
160448,"I sent ten puns into a contest to see if one could win. No pun in ten did.
"
163388,"Why do american bears have forelimbs? They have the right to bear arms
"
60305,"Are rape jokes funny in this subreddit? I wouldn't want to do anything if you guys said NO.
"
223574,"wanna hear a joke about pizza? nevermind.. it's way too cheesy.
"
130934,"What's up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don't even wanna talk to the living.
"
45873,"What's pink, bubbly and scratches at glass? A baby in a microwave
"
162612,"A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket..... and thinks, """"some asshole has my pen""""
"
50183,"Looks like I'm going to need to have the """"drug talk"""" with my daughter because this ecstasy she sold me is NOT working.
"
191716,"God...= I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
"
87692,"Want to know what I know about dwarves? Very little. Heard from a friend. It's awful, I know.
"
186597,"What do you call a group of paralyzed hippies? Organic Vegetables.
"
78566,"Jewish fun fact: If you celebrate Passover on top of an overpass, you go back in time.
"
209688,"Nice guys finish last. And with me, women don't finish at all.
"
71784,"Two mice were chewing on a film roll ..when one of them says: *I think the book was better*
"
134509,"I went to the taxidermist yesterday... I asked him how many bags of sawdust it will take to stuff my deceased flamingo and pig. He said, """"Two in the pink and one in the stink"""".
"
224845,"Zayn is leaving 1D. BBC sacked Jeremy Clarkson... Imagine the headlines """"New Top Gear host Zayn Malik"""" ... """"New One Direction member Jeremy Clarkson"""" :D
"
130213,"I bet all three Pigs had a great education, but the Pig that lived in the straw house probably had a ponytail and a neck tattoo.
"
55151,"Ingredients for an apocalypse salad Edive, thyme
"
204618,"A man goes into a pharmacy And asks, Do you have pills for memory? The pharmacist says, Yes we do. And the man goes: You do what?
"
189097,"Face tattoos are a great way to let people know that you don't owe on any student loans.
"
197313,"I don't mean to brag but I'm pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
"
55621,"Some subreddits What kind of subreddit dedicates itself to darkness and shadows? No it is not r/shadow [removed]
"
170284,"Me: guess what I shaved! Him: your armpits? Me: no Him: your mustache? Me: no Him: your nec- Me: I don't wanna play this game anymore
"
141006,"What do you call a homosexual wizard who isn't Albus Dumbledore? Gayndalf The Gay
"
124325,"What do you say to a kid if they give you a picture? That's pretty shit mate. My 20 year old cousin who has no arms can draw better than you. You have no talent, deal with it.
"
116390,"Why do lesbians go to Sports Authority? Because they're afraid of Dicks!
"
199704,"I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
"
77144,"What type of doctor prescribes Coke and 7-up for a living? A Poptometrist!
"
197123,"Why can't you tell jokes to kleptomaniacs I stole this joke from somewhere...
"
154438,"I started bleeding out of my ear yesterday.... I think I'm on my HEARiod
"
127762,"Breaking - Trump emailed Hillary Clinton his tax returns She just accidentally deleted them.
"
168614,"How can you tell when a Jew is pissed? They begin menschstrating
"
157223,"to cause mass hysteria at a wedding, slowley turn the volum down when the """"shout"""" song says """"a litle bit louder now, a litle bit louder now""""
"
73351,"Why do rappers always get arrested? Because he who did the rhyme did the crime
"
201253,"I just signed a deal with my liquor store that when I die I'll be stuffed in the Capt. Morgan pose and displayed inside their store.
"
136491,"Why did the spy steal the laptop? It had a sticker that said 'intel inside'.
"
191014,"Why did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.
"
14243,"Do the French play video games? Wii
"
185165,"I never thought they would make another Jurassic Park... ...But sequels, uh, find a way.
"
190997,"I can speak 10 languages. English and Binary
"
28185,"My position on marijuana is slumped in a beanbag chair.
"
97808,"Dont eat yourself A woman: She is eating dinner and she accidentally bites her lip. A man: Your not suppose to eat yourself. The woman: Well that's your job
"
155387,"Who was the sexiest woman in Greek myth? Actually, it was Medusa. One look from her made guys rock hard.
"
26342,"When someone is absolutely positively sure they're right about something is when I'm absolutely positve they're completely full of shit.
"
82042,"Opening a Christian gym called 'Jehovah's Fitness'
"
42287,"To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car: That's why you run WITH the flow of traffic
"
30294,"Q: What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? A: """"Where's my tractor?
"
11393,"What do you call a cow that doesn't produce milk? An udder failure
"
210289,"[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
"
38603,"If you ever get cold Just stand in a corner for a bit, they're usually around 90 degrees.
"
25751,"How did the T-Rex feel after his workout session? He felt dinosore.
"
106206,"We just hired an ex-con, who was in for tax evasion, to do our landscaping And I must say he is terrific at cutting the corners.
"
153391,"My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
"
226672,"The Obama Administration just created 100 million jobs @ Dell and Comcast by cutting power in India.
"
30352,"I have no problem getting women into the sack... ... it's getting the sack into the back of my van that's the problem.
"
143983,"What's black and white and red all over? A slaughtered penguin.
"
113648,"[job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times
"
123471,"Initially I thought I would rather catch herpes than feelings. But then I realized herpes are forever.
"
222516,"I met a hot girl. We had dinner yesterday. At least I'm assuming she had dinner.
"
78626,"Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
"
139143,"What do you call a boring taco? Aburrido.
"
221329,"What did the black kid say to his mom when he had diarrhea? Help! I'm melting!
"
163425,"I don't understand why certain people don't get communist jokes All it takes is a little common sense.
"
223794,"The leading cause of death in 1926 was being hit by a spinning newspaper graphic
"
92849,"""""Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."""" Me, to my empty bag of Oreos.
"
3533,"My 6yo daughter's teacher just gave me a """"Most Improved Ponytail"""" award.
"
171426,"What is the most awkward name a gay person can have? Christian
"
175678,"""""That which does not kill you makes you stronger."""" So, all things?
"
66638,"I hate when people say, """"You barely touched your food"""" like what do you want me to do stroke it?
"
43076,"Why is it called """"Alien vs Predator""""? Isn't predator an alien too? They should've just called it """"Some Aliens""""
"
89327,"What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roaming Catholic.
"
197707,"In London Homosexuals pay gigolos in pounds and get the change in pennies.
"
5530,"84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are """"cute""""
"
160345,"Everyone's always talking about our forefathers... I'm pretty sure there were more than that.
"
189919,"Q: Why did god give blonde's 2 more brain cells than he gave cows? A: So they wouldn't shit all over when you played with their tits.
"
19729,"Oxymoron Black people
"
98513,"If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea...
"
78594,"My man wants me to understand him better so I'm not getting my mustache waxed this month.
"
175272,"What type of milk is swiss cheese made of? Whole milk.
"
42417,"I entered ten puns into a pun contest, hoping one would win... But I've never been good at puns.
"
156738,"They should give the girls who don't get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.
"
133660,"What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? A bad golfer goes: *whack* """"Dang!"""" A bad skydiver goes: """"Dang!"""" *whack*
"
67485,"What happened to the number 10? It got stuck in 9/11
"
200672,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Beef ! Beef who ? Beef fair now !
"
34157,"An optician fell into his lens grinder... and made a spectacle of himself.
"
14039,"I was woken on the plane by a panicky stewardess That's how i lost my job as a pilot.
"
133258,"No, my kid didn't do the drawings I have up around my desk. I did them. It's my desk.
"
180477,"What do you call a Black Man on the Moon? An Astronaut.
"
145214,"If it was Pink Floyds way... They would have all of us shot!
"
63910,"In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on
"
208589,"What did Hamlet say to his cat? Get thee to a nyanery!
"
174561,"I think I'm a superhero, but I don't even remember being bitten by a radioactive sloth.
"
98763,"Knock knock. Who's there? Yes ! Who is there! HortonHearsA Who !
"
154733,"How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb? What, you don't know? Well I guess you weren't FUCKING THERE, MAN!
"
96474,"If I was an alcoholic, I'd stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I'm the only person in my house who knows it exists.
"
45435,"My grandad gave me some sound advise on his deathbed. """"It's worth spending money on good speakers"""", he told me.
"
125135,"I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
"
7756,"I guess I just felt safer when Martha Stewart was still in prison.
"
169672,"I look forward to hearing Michelle Obama's speech again. At the 2020 RNC.
"
59036,"Why did the elephant paint his balls green? Answer: to hide in avocado trees.. How did Tarzan die? Answer: Picking avocados
"
173584,"The only reason your girlfriend likes to suck your cock..... .....is because her parents told her to enjoy the little things in life.
"
81751,"My grandma has dementia the saddest part is watching her slowly forget about Dre
"
126126,"I like when websites ask """"HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT US?"""" Haha paranoid much?
"
230550,"I went to a Nautica outlet store They had sails on everything
"
201081,"I'm going to walk up to strangers and ask """"Would you take a photo of me?"""" If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.
"
207330,"Beethoven asks his audience: """"Is everyone ready to hear some symphonies!?"""" The audience cheers as Beethoven exclaims: """"I can't hear you!""""
"
161161,"Did you hear about those two gay cannibals? I hear they're having a ball.
"
181194,"What does a astronaut put in a sandwich? Space Jam
"
61415,"I'm at my most """"penguin"""", when I'm walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.
"
1703,"Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love's sweet ki-- Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
"
81615,"A man walks out of a toilet cubicle with semen coming out both sides of his mouth, what do you know? The floors are level
"
40878,"I live off my music and the pain it inflicts on others.
"
4466,"4 introverts walk into a bar... What? Were you expecting something else?
"
222718,"Please pray for me.. Tomorrow I will be going to the hospital, I think there is something wrong with my eyes. Every time I look in my wallet I see nothing.
"
142263,"[at TED talk] OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor? *entire crowd stands* No a MEDICAL doctor *entire crowd sits*
"
85413,"Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty? Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
"
39915,"Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward. My mom is such a bad actress.
"
98236,"Wife holding bank statement: What's this payment? Me: we're sponsoring a panda! W: so is this monthly? M: No, it's just for the one skydive
"
213634,"Chuck Norris went down to the crossroads just to pimp-slap the devil.
"
103854,"I visited Detroit recently. I love the smell of the ol' factories.
"
102705,"When I was younger, I always heard of people getting robbed at gunpoint. If there's been so many robberies, why do people keep going to gunpoint?
"
86912,"I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
"
37316,"Confucius say, piano falls down mineshaft... Get tone of A Flat Miner.
"
165351,"What kind of country has a clown problem? The same one that has 2 clowns running for president!
"
44843,"Life is like a bowl of soup. You only get blown if you're hot.
"
186553,"1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice
"
119149,"""""You're not leaving the table until you finish it, young man!"""" --termite mom
"
201399,"Top colleges are now offering a bachelors for mens hairdressing... ...but they call it """"manscape architecture""""
"
34930,"How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews
"
214575,"I think my wife considers me her rainbow. Or at least, according to her, I'm on the spectrum.
"
200615,"What do you call a sexually active spaghetti? Fetishini Alfredo
"
45475,"Did you know the person who created Knock Knock jokes won a nobel peace prize?
"
218613,"Why aren't there any """"old husband tales""""? There are. They just get re-branded as """"logic"""" and """"the truth"""".
"
48631,"SCIENTIST: it's our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
"
70267,"At my funeral, I want them to play """"Thriller"""" and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing. (wins at death)
"
77819,"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. He can't come anyways.
"
142240,"If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
"
66403,"RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was """"layla""""
"
153277,"Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can't jump at all
"
21387,"How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? The fact that you think that it's not society, but the light bulb that should change is problematic.
"
85671,"Why did Hitler kill himself? He saw the gas bill.
"
43533,"I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day
"
212476,"What do you call a joke on drugs? Highlarious
"
119664,"What travels around the world but stays in one corner? A stamp. 
"
58931,"""""First gay marriage. What's next - people marrying dogs?!"""" *nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend
"
103363,"Can't you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
"
36759,"Why can't fashion designers play uno? Because they always draw a cardigan.
"
27557,"oh, youvve read a few academic papers on the matter? cute. i have read over 100000 posts.
"
211725,"The best thing about UDP jokes ...is that I don't care if you get them or not
"
147163,"How do you fit 100 babies into a cup? A blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
"
202111,"What did the chicken say after laying an egg? """"Oeuf!""""
"
121753,"What gets harder the more you play with it? A Rubik's cube, you dirty minded individuals!
"
226102,"What's long, straight, and found between a pair of legs? The hypotenuse.
"
139508,"What did one empty beer bottle say to the other? """"I'm drunk.""""
"
63086,"Splinters are woods way of sexual assault They can go deep inside you, and the bigger they are, the more it hurts.
"
130146,"what do you call a fish with no eye? Fush
"
68643,"What did King Midas say to the centaur? Stay gold, Ponyboy.
"
15571,"Answering Machines """"I'm only here in spirit at the moment, but if you'll leave your name and number, I will get back to you as soon as I'm here in person.""""
"
31474,"My dick's like Pizza Hut... Kids eat for free.
"
136432,"ALCOHOL: The nighttime laughing, slurring, blurring, shouting, pounding head, confidence, so you can turnt shit up medicine.
"
148579,"tried to make a stew and accidentally summoned a demon again.
"
147818,"What profession was once highly respected, but is now a complete joke? Nigerian Prince Thanks r/askreddit for the idea
"
228486,"I flipped off a latino guy who cut me off in traffic and now I'm polling at 8% in the Republican primary.
"
18667,"Maybe the reason that goats are so angry is because they don't have hands to stroke those magnificent beards with while pondering quandaries
"
152791,"The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
"
223632,"Engineer's Joke I have a girlfriend!
"
24481,"What is a big dinner for a cannibal? A three-corpse meal.
"
196113,"Funny joke. TheFineBrothers.
"
181889,"Women and not being attractive If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
"
25334,"What do you call an Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection? A quarter-pounder with cheese
"
211772,"I'm having trouble finding a route to my rich aunt's funeral, Oh well, where there's a will... there's a way
"
118065,"Two men were talking about their wives The first man says """"My wife is an angel."""" The second man says """"You're lucky, mine's still alive.""""
"
192143,"The cemetery by my house is soo popular... ...people are dying to get in.
"
12378,"if you hold a turtle shell up to your ear you can hear a turtle biting on your ear you dumb idiot
"
215679,"Why is the Liberty Bell like a dropped  Easter egg? Because they're both cracked!
"
170218,"Whats the difference between a woman and a battery a battery has a positive side
"
19863,"No wonder ghosts can be disruptive. Some are hundreds of years old and they have to hear us say shit like """"My mouse is out of batteries.""""
"
26021,"What did the french butter say when it got stocked in the cooler? Beurre... I came up with this today while grocery shopping. I'm ridiculously pleased with myself.
"
188489,"[Spelling bee] Judge: """"Your word is unhelpful."""" Kid: """"Can you use it in a sentence please?"""" Judge: """"Nope.""""
"
149824,"Ive been eating eggs thinking they came from a egg plant. Im going to be sick, now that I know where they really come from.
"
28660,"Today a cartoonist was found dead at home. Details are sketchy.
"
34883,"There's way too much blood in my alcohol system today
"
9552,"The parking spot on Richard III's grave was restricted... Only two-door cars were allowed.
"
155232,"Newsreader: """"And now Tom with the weather."""" Weatherman: """"It's Tim, actually."""" Newsreader: """"Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.""""
"
85399,"So Hitler is working at a bookstore and I go up to him and say, """"Hey, do you have any books about the expense of a yell?"""" He replies, """"Kinda, I have this book about the Holla' cost.""""
"
113917,"If someone came to my door & said """"We'll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink."""" I'd be living large.
"
225683,"What's the difference between a penis and a sleeping bag? One you crawl in and the other crawls in you.
"
71954,"TIFU by being a dyslexic bus driver Whoops, wrong bus
"
45470,"How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers.
"
20681,"Why did the Eskimos have to stop partying? because they ran out of Natural Light
"
39761,"A list of con-man jokes. What? You were expecting your money's worth? Now begger off before I set Fred on you.
"
85709,"""""Okay--don't get cancer."""" (My response to """"Have a safe flight."""")
"
117548,"*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground* me, knocking from inside: """"Wait, I have to pee.""""
"
141842,"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 10-tickles.
"
53281,"""""You're sure you understand stock trading?"""" ME: Yep """"Then why (holds up card) did you trade our Google shares for a Charizard?""""
"
19703,"What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence? Fresh prints.
"
125916,"A little boy asked his mother """"Mommy... why is daddy running in zig-zags in the back yard?"""" """"Shut up and reload!"""" she said.
"
31805,"Why were the locals dissapointed when an old, decrepit, broken down bus rolled into an Egyptian town? They wished it was Anubis.
"
92114,"If girls with big boobs work at Hooters Does that mean girls with one leg work at IHOP?
"
24340,"If I got a dollar every time somebody called me a racist Black people would rob me
"
34346,"Yo' daddies house is so old. . . . . . that when you ring the doorbell the toilet flushes. Booyah!
"
204423,"Did you hear the submarine construction business closed down? Shame they went under
"
222290,"Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.
"
208424,"Singer Adele was rushed to the hospital after a fatal car accident Paramedics said they found her rolling in the jeep.
"
22669,"What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!
"
219867,"Why do Indians hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land. Edit: well now I know what people mean by rip inbox. Edit2: wtf happened to my headline, why is it Donald trump?
"
85096,"Which band does feminists hate the most? Cis-tem of a Down
"
80736,"What is the worst thing to happen to an anagrammer? It is to get West Nile in the stew line.
"
79729,"The TSA agent who runs the x-ray machine just told me """"Nice penis."""" Thank you, Al Qaeda!
"
228655,"What does a dominatrix say when she's late? """"Sorry I tied you up""""
"
75483,"I'm allowed to make racist jokes because my Mother in Law is Korean And she love me long time
"
190094,"A star walks into a black hole... ... but it doesn't seem phazed. The black hole turns to the star and says, """"Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation.""""
"
156942,"We've run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
"
214229,"Women, when you say: """"We should move into a better house."""" A man hears: """"My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.""""
"
199158,"Yo mama so poor... ...she can't even pay attention!
"
81173,"Knowing its International Women's Day is the only thing I know about women.
"
159237,"What is the world's leading cause of hearing loss? Religion.
"
220498,"Ain't no party like a missing child search party Cause a missing child search party don't stop.
"
30842,"Why can't Michael Jackson drive backwards in a car? Cause he's dead.
"
49498,"Why was the strawberry sad? His mom was in a jam!
"
107915,"How the hell did Caitlyn Jenner win women of the year? She hasn't even been a women for a year yet.
"
107748,"Why don't pirates ever have girlfriends? Because all the women they know are hookers.
"
9874,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef. Am I doing this right?
"
127698,"it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
"
123281,"What do you get if you cross a river with a bridge? to the other side.
"
80350,"Go sport ball! Game time! Yelling and outfits! Beer! You guys are bad! We are good! Sports yelling! Bright colors! #sports
"
225508,"Bae: come over Me: I can't, I'm hanging out with your parents. Bae: my parents aren't home. Me: I know. I just... You never listen Susan.
"
150843,"Apparently. white is the new black... Just ask the Spokane NAACP
"
73360,"Why aren't Mexicans ever indecisive? Because if they're on the fence too long they get caught.
"
42597,"Just had a fart that sounded like an un-oiled door opening slowly. Made the dog bark.
"
179473,"What do you call it when you torture corn to death? Macabre!
"
226459,"What happens when you mock the host of Diners, Drive-In's, and Dives? The guy gets fierious.
"
34815,"What did they egg say to the boiling water? It might take me a while to get hard. I just got laid.
"
193970,"Southern cop to Yankee speeder, whom he has just pulled over: """"Little lady, nobody goes through Georgia that fast."""" Speeder: """"Sherman did.""""
"
202581,"What's little, brown, and found in the woods? Winnies' pooh.
"
128476,"Turkey and Russia Turkey is going to be Putin place by Russia.
"
202646,"Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag ? They can lighten your load !
"
188244,"Have you see the movie constipation? No? That's because it hasn't come out yet.
"
214687,"Why do black men only have nightmares? Because the last black man to have a dream got shot.
"
98449,"TIL that black eyes are hereditary You get them from your father if you drink his last beer.
"
38275,"The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
"
21956,"Star Wars Rogue One - Crap Joke Casian - 'Jyn, we need to refuel our ship!' Jyn - 'K, to Esso!'
"
225645,"A child's purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
"
76500,"Why are pistachios called pistachios? More like """"these-are-hard-to-openios""""
"
31902,"I wonder how many illegitimate socks are out there because of me?
"
98677,"My cousin likes to eat cereal with water instead of milk He says he does it to drown the cornflakes because he is a cereal killer.
"
219762,"Why was the Boy having trouble finding power in the Cul-de-sac? There was no outlet
"
4108,"My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.
"
71799,"I'm sorry I said """"sorry about your eyebrows"""" when you showed me your wedding photos
"
123807,"""""All I ever wanted to do is make a difference."""" - Subtraction Man
"
229238,"eBay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
"
24023,"What has four legs and a cunt halfway up its back? A police horse
"
89891,"Hey are you from Gryfindor? Great. Can I Slytherin?
"
200311,"Did you hear the one about the pregnant bedbug? She gave birth in the spring.
"
82693,"How many karma whores does it take to change a lightbulb? [Answer here!](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2q2uaq/how_many_karma_whores_does_it_take_to_change_a/)
"
77049,"Two Arabs walk into a bar
"
146794,"What do you do if you enter a room and a clown is having a stroke? Close the door and go to /r/Eyebleach.
"
103907,"why was 6 afraid of 7? fear of commitment due to a lifetime of disappointment and heartbreak
"
55718,"A man gets pulled over... the officer asks the man """"Are you drunk right now?"""" The man behind the wheel says """"I swear to drunk I'm not god""""
"
126145,"Running into someone from high school that got fat is better than Christmas.
"
159571,"Why did the elephant paint his toenails red ? So he could hide in the cherry tree !
"
155984,"I hate when weather reporters talk shit on snow...Like why are u even in the weather biz if ur not down w/ snow
"
121107,"Arvind Kejriwal wants absolute control of """"Aam aadmi party"""" to enforce inner party democracy.
"
224252,"What do you call a pod of musical whales? An *orca*stra!
"
196065,"I'm emotionally constipated... Haven't given a shit in days.
"
80584,"Why do black people hate chainsaws? **RUN** NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA NIGGA
"
177960,"So I was eating out my Grandma... ...And I tasted horse semen and thought, *Ohh, so that's how she died.*
"
86628,"Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.
"
159461,"Yes, I DO think """"did you bring my pizza?"""" is an acceptable answer when you're in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
"
158937,"How long will a floating point operation  float?
"
208300,"I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places... ...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.
"
46309,"What do you call a black person that can fly a plane? A pilot, you racist fucks. P.S Wasn't that well received in anti-jokes, so I figured it might work better here.
"
62296,"My girlfriend asked me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt... So I fucked her twice and slapped her
"
104328,"Have you heard of McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
"
12480,"One my 12-year-old cousin told me What's the difference between broccoli and boogers? Children don't eat broccoli.
"
107479,"My wife has her period so I suggested swimming, beach volleyball and a horseback ride. She told me to piss off. Commercials are misleading.
"
147845,"How do people at rodeos heckle the riders? Moooo!
"
2426,"How do you know that toothpaste was invented in Arkansas? Because if it were invented anywhere else, it'd be called teethpaste.
"
49889,"Where is the best place to have anal sex? A cemetary, freaks a woman out a little bit, makes it that much tighter...
"
37920,"Does anyone actually know the secret to good click-bait titles?
"
220863,"*bees surround guy* AHHH GET THEM AWAY """"Don't make any sudden movements"""" *suddenly the Macarena comes on* Oh no...
"
111140,"Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
"
112367,"Q: Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?  - A: It's meow-sic to their ears!
"
184775,"He did it again! Cop: """"What's in the bottle?"""" Me: """"It's water."""" Cop: """"This is wine."""" Me: """"What? That damn Jesus! He did it again!""""
"
172920,"Give me a break, ouija board. I don't need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
"
216303,"What do a thong bikini and Donald's Trump's hair have in common. They both barely cover the asshole. (gota give Seth Myer credit for this one).
"
110067,"How do you know you have a high sperm count? She's got to chew before swallowing.
"
1072,"Hey dude! Would we be considered in-laws if I slept with your wife? No... we'd be even.
"
24143,"So we can send men to the moon, but we can't get a button that let's us edit a typo on a tweet after its been sent?
"
220656,"What was a doctors diagnosis of the victims involved in a pet van crash? Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Coma, Chameleon
"
92274,"Grandpa: """"My joints are stiff."""" Me: """"Don't roll them so tight.""""
"
200102,"Why can't melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
"
27936,"Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We're in a drought, idiot.
"
187132,"Sometimes I wake up crabby. Sometimes I let her sleep in.
"
200353,"Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television... because it was easier than making phone calls?
"
90061,"I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
"
149471,"Does anyone know how to get make-up off a dog? Asking for a friend, she's a bitch.
"
184386,"What's the most dangerous animal in Alaska? Sarah Palin
"
51638,"Why are orphans bad at baseball? They have no idea where home is.
"
64391,"Where do tv's go on vacation? To remote Islands
"
201034,"The only time my car goes 0-100 real fast. Is when it's sitting in broad daylight on a summer day.
"
222540,"A time traveler. Knock knock. Who's there?
"
112248,"I just saw a disclaimer that said """"don't try this at home"""", so I tried it at my neighbors house.
"
156457,"I was gonna tell a football joke to Payton Manning....... But it went over his head
"
221454,"Why is dangerous to have sex in canada eh'ds everywhere
"
88115,"What do you call a university full of fat girls studying neuroscience? A hippocampus.
"
205503,"A Jewish child needs some money So he asks his father, """"Father, may I have fifty dollars?"""" The father says """"Fifty dollars?! What do you need forty dollars for? I don't even have thirty dollars!""""
"
80871,"What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.
"
26693,"My better half said period jokes aren't clever So I wound up discarding 3 pages of jokes i had expounded on the Victorian period.
"
13941,"What do Syrian refugees eat for breakfast? Syrial!
"
67482,"What jumps up and down in front of a car ?  Froglights !
"
49626,"My girlfriend must think I'm rich and dying She keeps telling me to leave her a loan
"
205241,"Being an asshole lowers people's expectations of you. (Except on Twitter, where assholes must continue to prove they are assholes)
"
195660,"What do you call a cow who just gave birth? De-calfinated.
"
218074,"If there isn't a fireworks company whose slogan is """"our business is booming,"""" that seems like a real missed opportunity.
"
98378,"Donald Trump said he is going to do an AMA from the space station For upvotes
"
175826,"So an atheist pastor, vegan butcher, and the presidential candidate Donald Trump walk into a bar...
"
110937,"I'm having a completely dry January... ...no foreplay whatsoever. (Stolen from Gary Delaney's show this evening - great show Gary!)
"
127293,"I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.
"
167154,"Bad jokes are hereditary They pun in the family.
"
30589,"How long does it take to reach the ground from 100 stories up? The rest of your life.
"
476,"I see you've got your bill for using the Internet Yes and my dad's really going to get the hump!
"
60289,"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
"
93128,"*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
"
132488,"What do you call a programmer's testicles? A hackysack.
"
20357,"Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I'm the asshole for tripping him??
"
12425,"What's the difference between the Leafs and a Pornstar? They both get fucked. They both get paid. But only one of them really enjoys it.
"
139568,"How Can You Tell When The NSA is Monitoring Your Computer? The power is on and you're connected to the internet.
"
182463,"Have you heard the joke about the margarine? I'd tell it you but I prefer it unsaturated.
"
141864,"What was the blacksmith's slogan? """"Shop here! You'll be Gladius you did!""""
"
132793,"When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
"
227052,"Donald trump will be the best prime minister ever Jokes on you mods ! I already made a trump joke Damnit it's automatic. Seems like """"trump will do an excellent prime minister"""" wasn't funn-ier
"
174154,"Why did the little girl eat her money for lunch? Because her mom gave her money for lunch. 8 year old sister told me this joke, gave me a good laugh.
"
9123,"When the space shuttle gets back from its last mission, wouldn't it be hilarious if we were all dressed as apes?
"
67106,"The wife said that a dwarf felt her tit the other day.
"
224539,"Vampires love tea... A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says """"I thought you only drink blood?"""" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, """"I'm making tea""""!
"
6428,"A Meteorologist's best subject is small talk. They only talk about the weather.
"
106895,"Question: What's another name for pickled bread? Answer: Dill-dough.
"
156281,"If a stork symbolizes birth what type of bird symbolizes birth control? A swallow
"
102039,"Have you heard the story about the suicide bomber? I haven't but I heard it is BLOWING up
"
192749,"When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can't have both.
"
135125,"How do beekeepers keep their bees so chill? They smoke them out.
"
85823,"What is Mortal Kombat fans' favorite Nigerian state? It's Kano.
"
124824,"""""Are you pulling my leg?"""" """"No, why?"""" """"It just dropped off."""" """"Well, don't wake it up.""""
"
126819,"i feel like i need to go to rehab for my avocado addiction. :(
"
118086,"What's the difference between an Irishman and a bottle of whiskey? The whiskey usually doesn't get drunk until it's at least ten years old.
"
35774,"The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
"
191608,"Nobody ever explained similes to me; I honestly cannot tell you what it has been like.
"
62803,"Why do blind people walk their dogs so much?
"
137431,"There is nothing funny about menstruation jokes... Period.
"
188523,"I'm inventing a glue and calling it James Bond... It's a chemical agent.
"
229503,"Two Irishmen walk out of a bar... ...well it could happen.
"
106047,"If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
"
156505,"Back in my day, we didn't have iPads. If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
"
98934,"If NASCAR wants me to believe it's not a sport for idiots, they should stop reminding the drivers to start their engines.
"
83057,"Two Men Were Hunting Buffalo One put his ear to the ground He lifted his head up and said """"Buffalo come"""" The other said """"How do you know?"""" He said """"ear sticky""""
"
72971,"*i finally get a girl over* *dad rolls out from under my bed* YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE? """"dad no"""" A PORK CHOP
"
201467,"Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
"
169457,"So my scatterbrained friend accused me of misquoting cliches... Isn't that the pot calling the kettle a racist?!?!
"
49982,"A Jewish Boy Asks His Dad For $20 Surprised the dad says, """"$10 dollars?! What the hell do you need $5 dollars for?!""""
"
20103,"How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone? Put it into airplane mode.
"
203554,"How do you get a Texas Tech senior's eyes to sparkle? Shine a flashlight in his ears.
"
81933,"Rookie cop: """"But sir, why would man's laughter be a crime?"""" Chief: """"ffs kid, it's one word. Manslaughter.""""
"
52313,"My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could've done to get on my mom's level.
"
77279,"What is the swamp-dwellers favorite form of extraterrestrial life? the Martians
"
113392,"Did you hear about the cannibal? He dumped his girlfriend...*flies away*
"
170227,"How do you catch a polar bear? Cut a hole in the ice, take peas and put them around the hole. Now when he comes to take a pea, kick him in the icehole.
"
220963,"When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
"
89019,"For the Canadians (Warning: Offensive) How do you kill a fox with one leg? Make him run across Canada.
"
201863,"I held the door open for a Japanese woman today and she said, """"sank you."""" Pretty fucked up for her to bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
"
42700,"By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle.
"
158355,"I gave blood this week and felt great afterwards... Which is weird because when girls lose that much blood they just get bitchy.
"
87518,"Why doesn't Gabe Newell have kids? He can't get to 3rd base
"
20440,"Unrestrained children in the back seat can cause accidents. Unrestrained accidents in the back seat can cause children.
"
214279,"Dude's trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
"
131752,"""""How often do you floss?"""" Every day """"How often do you lie?"""" Every six months
"
22783,"What kind of shoe does Mr. T wear? T-shoes!
"
191752,"Jokes I made up I might keep adding onto this if it gets popular enough :) Q: What did the man say while holding a square shaped clock? A: I'm holding Time Square!
"
122821,"Today's my cake day! And I'm going to eat it too!
"
61787,"Believing that you are popular or """"famous"""" on twitter... ...is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
"
139848,"The difference between being naughty and being kinky Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot
"
21049,"What is a proctologist's drink of choice? Two fingers of whiskey.
"
41329,"A recurring number walks into a bar'
"
167525,"I invited Jim for dinner """"Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?"""" [Loud thud on the roof] *sigh* """"I'll get the ladders""""
"
107389,"Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.
"
139427,"Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
"
168552,"[24hr news channel] news just in.. *director repeats himself into headset* news justin *justin just sits there* READ THE NEWS JUSTIN
"
229827,"What do you call it when a Greek handicap falls over? Olympus has fallen.
"
219190,"Do you remember blowing Bubbles as a kid? Well he's back in town.
"
152832,"What do you call a Mexican baptism? Bean dip.
"
77167,"A woman goes to the doctor... The doctor asks """"What seems to be the problem?"""" She responds, """"Every time I sneeze, I orgasm"""" The doctor ask, """"Are you taking anything for it?"""" """"Yeah, pepper.""""
"
83415,"My wife walked in on me and found me f***ing our daughter... I didn't know what she found more disturbing, the fact I was f***ing our daughter, or that the abortion clinic sold me her fetus.
"
171166,"me: they're having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free wife: so why do you have 4 space jam's? me: ...because it's buy 3 get 1 free
"
168917,"Herpes is such a strong word, I prefer penis sprinkles.
"
162728,"Her: What's your fantasy? Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
"
123393,"I met Mike Tyson and he had his tiger with him. I said, """"Wow! I can't believe you actually have a tiger! I thought that was a myth."""" He said, """"Well you were mythtaken.""""
"
158651,"Why did hitler suicide? Because he saw the gas expense
"
108660,"Should I have a baby after 35? No 35 children is enough.
"
75370,"Meanwhile, at the bar: Batman: """"Whisky."""" Aquaman: """"Appletini."""" """"WHAT?"""" """"It's vodka, apple schnapps..."""" """"You're off the Justice League.""""
"
87727,"What can jelly beans do that you can't? Come in different colors.
"
145393,"Why do male midgets laugh so hard when they play football ? It's because the grass tickles their balls.
"
214188,"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two, but I have no idea how they get in there.
"
136266,"You wanna hear a construction joke? I'm still working on it.
"
128303,"Christmas is over, all of the guests have gone home. NO PANTS.
"
197717,"Why was the corn farmer paranoid? Because the field has ears.
"
71865,"NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.
"
9006,"I dated an hermaphrodite... It was an """"hermaphrodate""""
"
124571,"Freudian analysts How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?? Sex
"
15343,"How did the math teacher solve her constipation problem? She worked it out with a pencil.
"
150116,"Making NSA work hard today: just left vm for Senator saying, """"drop-off done"""" & then made a hair appointment at a salon in Lahore, Pakistan.
"
167074,"My neighbors are drunk & climbing up the balcony. Or possibly being robbed. Whatever.
"
125305,"Thought all these voices in my head meant I was crazy, but one of them is a therapist. And he says I'm fine.
"
70714,"Bought an elephant for my friends So I bought my friends an elephant for their room. They said """"Thank you."""" I said """"Don't mention it.""""
"
56013,"As I get older, more and more of my Christmas wish list is just stuff I need from the grocery store.
"
60995,"What do you call a body in a morgue which hasn't been viewed by anyone yet? Remains to be seen.
"
185024,"You shouldn't make racist jokes about Asians who cant drive when its raining Its a slippery slope
"
99278,"I'm really bad at portioning uncooked pasta...so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
"
92435,"I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
"
36528,"It blows my mind that people walk around acting like Steve Harvey won't jump out from behind a bush at any moment & murder them.
"
230674,"A blonde was talking to her redhead friend about her boyfriends dandruff problem... The redhead says """"why don't you give him head and shoulders."""" The blonde replies """"how do you give shoulders?""""
"
77531,"Did you hear about the guy ducking charges of sheep rape? He's on the lam.
"
219926,"2 pedophiles are sitting on a bench and a 12-year-old girl runs by... One turns to the other and says, """"Man, I bet she used to be really hot!""""
"
169629,"Being bummed that you finished your sandwich only to remember that you haven't even taken a bite of it yet must be what Heaven is.
"
10497,"boss: why aren't you working? me: i didn't see you coming!
"
123864,"What would be a Jew's fighting stance in mortal kombat? Jew jipped you!
"
22937,"5yo: I can't wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you're here from the future to save the world.
"
61323,"*hears your text message notification beep* *constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
"
46234,"Plan ahead - It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
"
226453,"What happened to Donald Trump when he visited Switzerland? He Felt the Bern
"
147497,"I spilled spot remover on my dog... ... He's gone now (credit to Steven Wright)
"
221312,"The Flat Earth Society Has members all around the globe.
"
141288,"If you're American, when are you not American? When European. Or when you're Russian. Any more? :)
"
77951,"What's the difference between a dirty bus stop &amp; a lobster with breast implants.. One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.
"
57207,"Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey? A few billion dollars worth of improvements
"
208701,"I walked into a store with a white shirt and blue Jeans and the cashier said... Welcome to our store, let us know when you **Need** anything. Xd
"
152088,"Diarrhea is the #2 cause of death in the U.S.
"
88604,"impress your children by showing them a floppy disk and telling them it's a 3D model of a save icon.
"
209254,"Fun Fact: The term HIV is actually Roman for High Five Pass it on...then again maybe not.
"
211766,"Pimple Be Like Pimple : Where Are You Going ?? Me : Partying with Friends Pimple : Ok, I'm Also Coming then!!
"
8716,"I went out for dinner last night. The Captain's Basket was on special for $7.00. I tried it just for the halibut.
"
128631,"I wonder why so many of us don't read our own emails and texts closely... ...until AFTER we have hat the 'send' button.
"
33545,"I'm not saying all Irish are alcoholics, but Italians, Chinese + Mexicans have restaurants. The Irish only have pubs.
"
177361,"""""You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?"""" """"Yeah. Why is that?"""" """"There are more birds on that side.""""
"
17415,"I don't trust stairs They're always up to something
"
173067,"What's the first thing ghosts do when they get into a car?- They boo-kle their seatbelts
"
227584,"He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris ... dies.
"
141808,"What did the Officer say after arresting the crooked cook? """"I just booked a cook for cooking the books.""""
"
120083,"He told me he was my daddy during sex. Then he acted all weirded out when I started crying and asked him to pay off my student loans.
"
110946,"Why do blck men cry when they make love to white women? Mace...
"
162582,"I'd like to thank /r/jokes for teaching me so many jokes! I've always hated the sound of laughter...
"
170985,"What do you call a Muslim woman wearing oculur rift or a VR headset? Stealth Bomber
"
74640,"What happens when the smog/fog/smoke over Los Angeles lifts? You see L.A.
"
128637,"Leaving church just now, the priest shakes my hand and says """"Love your neighbor"""" I said """"Me too Father, she's got some tits, huh!??""""
"
206402,"What kind of bees do female ghosts have to deal with? Dead ones, you guys. Dead ones.
"
67483,"I've got an Uncle Rube. I mean he's really my mother's sister's roommate's friend's hairdresser's step-dad, but the effect is the same.
"
158766,"A hiker tried to write poems but he didn't know what to do he tried all kinds but cleared his mind when he went for a haiku.
"
47608,"Your greatest puns! Please, I love puns. Lots of puns. Any kind. Bring em on!
"
182117,"I saw a bumper sticker today..... I saw a bumper sticker today that said, """"My child has more chromosomes than yours (:"""" .....what a retarded sense of humor
"
159260,"What are the two biggest lies in Wyoming? My truck is paid for, and honestly officer, I was just helping the sheep over the fence.
"
185698,"I told a blonde joke She didn't get it.
"
207995,"I had coffee with Red Bull this morning... After about 10 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.
"
118384,"An Irishman goes for a job as a blacksmith He's asked """"have you ever shoed a horse before?"""" """"No but I have told a donkey to fuck off""""
"
183668,"What would you doooooooo? for a klondike bar?
"
158287,"Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
"
52616,"I walked into the pharmacist's office and asked for condoms for my 12 year old son. The pharmacist asked """"is your son sexually active?"""" I replied with """"no he just lays there and cries.""""
"
67431,"How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen...
"
1924,"My girlfriend wants me to take her to Paris, and treat her like a princess The only thing is, I don't know which to pick: the guillotine or the Mercedes.
"
27515,"Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
"
173514,"Shout-out to my grandma Because that's the only way she can hear me.
"
79532,"Adele was outside my window this morning. She said hello from the outside.
"
161109,"What is the difference between Spain and edge of table Cup stays longer on edge of table
"
206024,"The Trump Years in a Nutshell 2016: Trump doesn't stand a chance. 2017: Trump's still trying? 2018: """"Hey, are you guys going to watch the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins""""
"
10166,"I broke up with my girlfriend because she wouldn't go to the gym with me. We just weren't working out.
"
34610,"Man at the bar... """"...Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy! Woman responds: """"No, I'm Finnish. Finnished with this conversation!""""""""
"
218910,"Passed a sign that says, """"All you can eat, $30/person"""" but I don't think I can eat $30 worth of people.
"
97355,"Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said """"May I please have a cigarette?"""". I can't believe kids this age are already so polite.
"
135319,"When Bruce decides to do stand-up, what will his stage-name be? Penny Bruce
"
18032,"What's the difference between a Pakistani mosque and a Afghanistan mosque and an Iraqi mosque? How should I know, I just fly the drones.
"
119777,"If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
"
90085,"An elderly woman was at the doctor's office... She asked why she was so sore all the time. He replied, jokingly, """"A dissipated youth?"""" She replied, """"I wish I could remember him!""""
"
90158,"How can a redneck tell his twin sisters apart? By taste.
"
211456,"You know times are hard when you call 911 for an ambulance and they tell you to have gas money ready.
"
49156,"How's havin' a dick? It comes in handy.
"
114220,"Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet but most have just four.
"
205342,"Marriage jokes A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: """"Wife wanted."""" Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: """"You can have mine.""""
"
83025,"An old guy with a horrible toupee stopped me in the parking lot to tell me this random joke...made me crack up. How do you get down from an elephant?? YOU DON'T! You get down from a goose!!
"
58120,"Me: *disappears for a few weeks* Friends: *No concern* Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB* Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
"
207150,"Sex with me is just like my childhood birthday parties No one ever comes and I cry when it's all over
"
169543,"Why are Women and Children evacuated first in a Disaster? So we can think about a solution in silence.
"
106837,"What did Mr T say when asked if he had any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, three bags, fool.
"
145990,"Reddit themed Yo Momma jokes. I'll start: Yo momma so fat... ...her posts can't be upvoted.
"
135596,"Which is the quickest way to make someone lose? The game.
"
67993,"What do you get when you drop a piano in a coal mine? A flat minor. Night... Don't forget to tip your waitress
"
90473,"Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
"
101338,"Customer: I didn't order this. Waiter: I know but your meal tastes worse.
"
198147,"Him: So what are you into? Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.
"
27585,"Why can't cops eat bacon? Because that would be cannibalism
"
41809,"Mountains aren't just funny.... They're hill-areas!
"
75338,"""""I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription"""" """"Sir, those are kids"""" """"Gimme two""""
"
89429,"Poor Luigi when his parents were all, """"This is Mario, we also call him 'Super Mario'. And this Luigi, we also call him 'Player 2'.
"
79304,"People who have quit Reddit, how is life like now?
"
206429,"I just finished writing a Broadway musical about the dictionary. It's the ultimate play on words.
"
49816,"Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No with mustard.
"
34001,"What do you call 'looking for a Korean'? Seoul searching
"
224609,"""""Bro, can you give me some kinda book or pamphlet for this location or product, bro?"""" Brochure.
"
208581,"Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos? Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
"
79915,"I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I'm not sure, I can't make out faces so well.
"
93573,"I heard a joke today that made me shit myself. It was just a bit of self-defecating humor.
"
13728,"My wife caught me cheating last night and i feel so ashamed and full of regret. She's never going to play monopoly with me again!
"
102167,"How bad is my career? I met a homeless guy on the beach in Los Angeles & thought """"Wow this guy has it made""""
"
186518,"Son, your father and I have something to tell you - you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
"
30443,"People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
"
168185,"Whiteboards are truly remarkable.
"
174856,"69 I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, """"No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.""""
"
216735,"Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
"
229855,"Why aren't midgets attention whores? Cause they know they're important.
"
38402,"What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died? Aloha Ackbar!
"
106291,"What did Will Smith say to Carleton when he asked if he was ready to leave their yoga class? Nah I'ma stay.
"
229269,"What does a drug addict and a child have in common? They both want tablets for Christmas.
"
140401,"What candy do you give your wife before you get married? Pre-nup brittle.
"
222378,"I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
"
99561,"Went to dinner with my girlfriend tonight and got called a pedophile because I'm 30 and she's 19. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
"
171208,"""""SMH, SMH, SMH, hi, SMH, SMH"""" (a text message from Muhammad Ali)
"
122758,"I'm sorry, but your safe word must use letters, numbers, punctuation and be at least 16 characters long.
"
187700,"how many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb? Are you kidding? That's a hardware problem!
"
162383,"If you legally change your name to 'You're Free to Go' then it's impossible to get arrested.
"
89386,"Am I able to think up of a brand new color... ...or will it just be a pigment of my imagination?
"
132578,"Why did Willow Smith whip her hair? Because it has been very knotty. Apologies in advance
"
137397,"It's weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
"
38840,"Two law students walk into a bar. They both failed.
"
115493,"A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday... It would be funny if this joke had a punchline. Wooden tit.
"
26628,"Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn't include the word """"hotshot.""""
"
219011,"Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
"
50158,"How did Charles Darwin die? Natural causes.
"
37550,"The expression should be """"seeing things eyes to eyes"""". Otherwise you're suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
"
14664,"How do you keep a blonde busy? Put """"flip"""" on both sides of a piece of paper
"
56363,"The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
"
67001,"Q: What did the atlantic say to the pacific? A: Nothing. It just waved.
"
155992,"What's the difference between Andrew Dice Clay and a nintendo cartridge? The nintendo cartridge has steadily gotten more blowjobs since the 80s.
"
56299,"""""What's a good gift for someone who has everything?"""" Meth. Next year they'll have nothing it'll be easier.
"
34972,"My son said he wanted to get into organized crime when he grew up. """"Government or private sector?""""
"
179790,"A flasher was considering retiring. But he decided to stick it out a while longer.
"
189396,"Why do they call a bird that lives by the sea, a seagul? Because if it lived by the bay, it would be called a Bagel.
"
58357,"NSFW, What did Hitler say to the black Jew? GET TO THE BACK OF THE OVEN!
"
208827,"Whats the worst part about Crabgrass? It's Not Lobster.
"
9431,"How does a witch tell time? With a witchwatch.
"
172177,"A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn't cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
"
128437,"rumours - Moishe, when you're not at home, the neighbors are spreading rumors about you! - Oh, when I'm not at home, let them even beat me!
"
23328,"Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That's how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
"
157663,"I was arrested at a New Year's party last night I'm sorry, but when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your fight or flight instincts kick in...
"
141136,"You know you're old when You see your favorite pornstar under the milf category
"
35671,"What do you call a rich Chinese person? Cha Ching
"
66845,"Just heard a lady say she's been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, """"doesn't your family miss you?""""
"
151087,"Why is Santa's sack so big? Because he only comes once a year!
"
53988,"Made a meal out of an old recipe book today. Just tasted like paper really .
"
59893,"The scariest moment in any man's life is when his wife stops talking and it's his turn to say something in a conversation he's been ignoring
"
159588,"Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don't worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
"
68176,"Why do cows need four legs to walk? Because they lactose. Moo
"
151970,"What rating do pirate movies always get? PG-13
"
47996,"A young boy's life changed when he found out he could shoot a white sticky substance Only this young boy could also do it from his wrist. Hello spiderman.
"
99360,"7 dwarfs were in the bath feeling happy. So ......happy got out
"
188205,"Why did Blacula get kicked out of a Yale Halloween party? The party was for """"Wights only.""""
"
189142,"Did you hear that the World Hokey Pokey Champion has died? At the undertakers, they were putting him into the coffin. They got his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
"
48722,"Honestly if I had a brain I'd... probably not admit to being stupid publicly for a start.
"
209131,"I probably would have been a pretty good doctor, until I found out that I still get paid if the people die. Then I'd just be like, whatever
"
176880,"What's the difference between a hippie chick and a hockey team? A hockey team takes a shower after three periods.
"
83441,"Waiter there's a fly in my  soup! Don't worry sir the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
"
121553,"A certain leisure complex had a cinema and a swimming pool. One day, thecinema screen fell into the pool. The owners left it there and used it as adive-in theater.
"
165983,"An English teacher tells a knock knock joke Teacher: Knock Knock Student: Who's there? Teacher: To Student: To who? Teacher: To *whom*
"
84308,"Friend: Do you have a bird problem? Me: No. Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound. Me: Oh that? That's for people.
"
216742,"Hey baby, can I take your derivative.... So I can lay tangent to those curves.
"
186237,"Q: What's an accordion good for? A: Learning how to fold a map.
"
179186,"What does picking your nose and masturbating have in common? It feels fuckin awesome but when you get caught its awkward as hell.
"
74447,"I asked a guy if he knew what the chemical formula was for Sodium Bromate... He said NaBrO3
"
185787,"I just found out I passed my drug test.... Which means my dealer has some explaining to do.
"
29118,"What do you call a person who farts in private? A private tutor
"
76194,"How many Estonians you need to build a house in Finland ? Who knows, there is no tax record of it.
"
55378,"My girlfriend said that my dick Has resting bitch face :(
"
38297,"What's orange, and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
"
118714,"What's black and doesn't work in an office? Decaf coffee!
"
149006,"How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
"
109655,"There are no divorce courts at the North Pole, so when Santa and his wife wanted to split up, they got a semicolon. They're great for separating independent Clauses.
"
228474,"I was chatting with this cute 14 y/o online She said she was an undercover police officer. How cool for someone her age!
"
163561,"I say """"fight me"""" a lot for a girl that's 5'2"""" and has a tough time opening some doors because they're too heavy.
"
162564,"First Rule of Thesaurus Club: You don't talk, discuss, converse, speak, chat, confer, deliberate, gab, or gossip about Thesaurus Club.
"
67407,"Why did Chandler play the blues as loud as he could? He wanted to harm monica.
"
120393,"What did the suicide bomb instructor say to his class? Now pay attention, I'm only going to do this once?
"
146845,"What's up? Up is the Y-axis relative vertical direction opposed to down.
"
226394,"How do we know God is not a woman? Because the Earth is not a sandwich!
"
181830,"What do Albanian kids want to be when they grow up? Italian
"
189663,"My uncles wife is a sex therapist. (Possibly NSFW?) I call her Aunty climax.
"
126316,"What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter. It can't come to you anyway.
"
85407,"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
"
19983,"My wife said yesterday... That I don't listen to her..I said: OK, sounds good
"
109305,"I have made nothing but horrible decisions ever since I had my wisdom teeth taken out.
"
81827,"I wish all black men were like unicorns... gay.
"
6560,"[God creating the frog] """"How about a really stupid-looking kangaroo fish?""""
"
186452,"What did the pirate say when he had a steering wheel down his pantaloons? Arr! It's driving me nuts!
"
71286,"Broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb twice before she got a hint.
"
105017,"What's the hardest part about walking through a field of dead babies? My Dick.
"
147322,"What do you give a sick snake ? Asp-rin !
"
186572,"Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
"
187876,"Vladimir Putin to begin marketing Kremlin brand jeans Each pair comes with a complimentary Donald Trump in the back pocket.
"
96850,"I want to write a Choose Your Own Adventure where half the choices lead to a page that just says """"Really?""""
"
18953,"[dinner negotiations] Wife: where do you want to go to eat? Me: ugh Wife: Me: you pick Wife: I'm craving kale Me: I'll pick
"
196978,"German sausages... are the wurst.
"
9478,"Justin Bieber is still truly Canadian at heart... His most popular song is called """"Sorry"""".
"
90959,"I'm a people person, but from a distance.
"
12829,"If you're looking for good jokes go to r/shitredditsays. The stuff they get angry about is pretty damn funny.
"
120450,"Me and my mate have just been fighting over which is the best vowel. I won.
"
23244,"Apparently """"if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly"""" was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
"
119544,"Her: *puts cherry stem in mouth *pulls it out with a knot *winks Him: *puts earbuds in pocket *pulls it out with 5 knots *doesn't get laid
"
23884,"What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.
"
17647,"What's 12 inches long and hangs in front of an arsehole? Barack Obama's Tie
"
56225,"Mary Had a Little Lamb She also had a bear. I've seen Mary's little lamb. But, I've never seen her bear.
"
77474,"""""Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yep, yep, uh huh, uh huh, ok, you too, bye"""": Man side of every phone conversation with his wife.
"
87135,"What is a pedophile's favorite musical note? A Minor.
"
128178,"Just used my phone to record my wife snoring. She'd kill me if I ever played this in front of her friends. So... I guess this is goodbye.
"
123020,"There's no 5 second rule at my house. The dog is much quicker than that.
"
188878,"You know what they call the strategy involving freshmints while playing a game of timed tic tac toe? The tic tac tick tick tic tac toe tactic
"
163680,"My phone won't let me be depressed. It autocorrected :( to :)
"
6181,"I think I will start calling my wife """"My Customer"""" since she is always right...
"
30228,"im tired of chasing my dreams So I'll just get their number and catch up with them later
"
103065,"A dyslexic tries to use public transportation Whoops, wrong sub.
"
205369,"How do you get Dick from Richard? You ask nicely.
"
52809,"Give us your best """"...said no one ever"""" joke! """"Why did they ruin this pizza with so much cheese?!"""" SNOE
"
59508,"Q: You can sleep on it, brush your teeth with it and sit on it, what is it? A: A bed, a tooth brush, and a chair.
"
166238,"Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn't 'funny' and is technically 'wasting' police time :(
"
158260,"What's the only animal that has a cunt on its back? A police horse.
"
66915,"Why did the lion always lose at poker? He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs!
"
37718,"What do you call a straight Godzilla fan? Hedorahsexual
"
7544,"What kind of jackets do Audiophiles wear? FLAC jackets
"
54908,"I bought a blowup doll today, but I won't blow her up until tomorrow. I don't want to seem desperate.
"
61996,"Throw shit at a person, you are their enemy. Throw shit at a plant, you are their hero. source: r/Showerthoughts/
"
177394,"what did the banana say to the vibrator? What are YOU shaking for?....................................... She's going to eat me!
"
169204,"Religion is like a nude pic If it ends up on the internet you're entering a world of criticism 
"
42890,"So, tonight at the library I asked the librarian if they had any books on turtles """"Hardback?"""" she inquired. """"Yes"""" I said. """"and little heads.""""
"
158474,"Q: How do you sell chicken to a deaf man? A: HEY, YOU WANNA BUY SOME CHICKEN??!!!!!!!
"
57052,"Fruit flies can fly, but most fruit can't, do you know which one can? Banana Skin
"
200099,"I love mange tout... ...but I couldn't eat a whole one.
"
156759,"I was cumming into a sock... when the guy wearing it was like WTF?!
"
30509,"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. They can't change anything.
"
202659,"What's black and white with red all over it? A nun with multiple stab wounds.
"
24806,"""""Is my butt is too big?"""" my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.
"
36453,"How are condoms like cameras? They capture your special moments.
"
72148,"Question: What's better, Star Wars or Star Trek? Answer: Knowing what intimacy with another living human being feels like.
"
145349,"I want a girl to go down on me As much as the Pokemon Go servers do
"
124903,"You know why Miss Piggy can't count to 70? She gets to 69 and has a frog in her throat. Edit
"
36478,"What do fat chicks and mopeds have in common? they're fun to ride until your friends find out.
"
104973,"I don't like generalizations... They all suck.
"
29367,"The Holocaust.
"
54097,"I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
"
157001,"A ladies magazine told me to compliment my wifes booty. So I told her I was glad it wasn't hairy. I need a place to stay
"
24249,"How many college guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they prefer Natural Light
"
20931,"You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.
"
91967,"A little boy asked his father, """"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"""" Father replied, """"I don't know son, I'm still paying.
"
91506,"Odd numbers bother me. Except 75. 75 you're ok.
"
211720,"Why does Donald Trump take Xanax? To prevent Hispanic attacks
"
225677,"What's long, green, and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's fingers...
"
216054,"How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? Nobody knows because they've never tried
"
117030,"What has two legs and bleeds? Half a cat.....
"
57818,"Although not as effective as finger quotes, finger commas and finger periods are way fun.
"
104383,"9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund.
"
100715,"Why should you never date a vegan girl? She won't swallow.
"
105787,"A conversation I just had. Friend - """"My Dad just bought a condo in Afghanistan, what an idiot."""" Me - """"Are you kidding? Those real estate prices are set to explode.""""
"
185809,"Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
"
103513,"My sister got upset that I washed our puppy with my own, human shampoo. I reassured her it had already been tested on dogs.
"
230532,"One day a wife complained.. """"This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."""" The husband grunted and replied, """"The darn clock always was slow.""""
"
191155,"Math Joke. There are 10 types of people. Those who know that this joke is in hexadecimal and F the rest. Credit: Numberphile
"
141766,"Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
"
76653,"Femi-Nazi Moderator Free speech to hell
"
14988,"You - The food smells wonderful Me - That's me I burped
"
8603,"Parents yelling """"I'm not going to ask you again"""" at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
"
21613,"It's quite appropriate that fast food cashiers... often open with """"sorry for the weight"""".
"
114499,"A very curious kid Kid: """"Papa, are you growing taller all the time?"""" Father: """"No, my child. Why do you ask?"""" Kid: """"Because the top of your head is poking up through your hair.""""
"
172189,"I know the word diputserom sounds bad, but its more stupid backwards
"
143578,"I sneezed and my bra unsnapped. I think this cold is trying to seduce me.
"
215577,"Chinese takeout, $15.00, gas to get there, $1.50.... ... Getting home to find they've forgotten one of your dishes. ... ... Riceless.
"
227783,"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball She choked
"
149559,"How do punctuation marks get freaky? The comma sutra
"
13023,"Q: Bill Hillary and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved? A: The United States of America.
"
164114,"Two gallons of milk sat within a fridge One was spoiled and the other was chocolate. Where did the spoiled milk sit? On the top shelf. Where did the chocolate milk sit? In the back.
"
25621,"Unknown person parked their car in my driveway, now it's my car. That's how that works, right?
"
145688,"What do you call it when an Asian's imaginary friend dies? Make-bereave
"
38887,"I used that classic Liam Neeson line from """"Taken"""" today.. """"I will find you, and I will kill you."""" My niece didn't want to play hide and seek anymore.
"
192573,"Watson, Sherlock Holmes's faithful assistant, asked, """"What's a ten-letter word meaning 'supplying nourishment'?"""" Sherlock replied, """"Alimentary, my dear Watson.""""
"
155687,"I just got a great deal on a Ray Rice jersey The price couldn't be beat
"
118048,"I've heard a lot of good puns in my day but.... the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.
"
186594,"It's so hot, everybody looks like they're in an American Apparel ad.
"
116065,"Once there was a spic who went to the tacular... It was awesome!
"
186319,"You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she organizes body parts in her freezer
"
138456,"Your money or your life by Stan Den Deliver
"
195471,"Start a Reddit for GF Earn more karma on her account than mine.
"
76183,"Drills are boring.
"
4257,"What's the difference between r/politics and r/liberal? None
"
107449,"Why are some jokes so funny? -Doctor, Doctor why are some jokes so painfully funny? -It must be the punchline
"
24931,"What do you call weaponized sushi? A combat roll
"
67589,"How does Batman's mother call him to dinner? She doesn't, she's dead
"
209386,"My doctor told me to examine my faeces every time I go to the toilet in order to monitor my health. But my bathroom is so dark, I can't see shit.
"
145750,"Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself? Because it is two-tired (too tired).
"
204291,"My car dealer will subtract the number of upvotes from my purchase price. When I spend more than $100 000
"
169094,"TIL that 1/100 people have undiagnosed dyslexia Whoops, wrong bus.
"
24263,"Looking for Texas? Drive east or west on Interstate 70 until you smell shit. Then go south till you run into it
"
120989,"Whats a butt's favorite exercise? High Knees
"
120234,"Beer before liquor, alphabetical order
"
39803," Hey cow You're an all star You are grain fed No hay Hey cow You are ground down Graded U.S. D.A. 
"
14014,"My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
"
121704,"I wrote a song about a tortilla Actually it's more of a wrap
"
46687,"A man is throwing out a vacuum cleaner... Another man, walking by, asks, """"Is that thing no good?"""" """"Well,"""" says the first man, """"it doesn't suck.""""
"
225697,"What is a toad's favorite kind of beer? One with a lot of hops.
"
73454,"Man gets arrested by female police officer A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, """"Anything you say can and will be held against you."""" The man replies, """"Boobs!""""
"
11279,"My friend just graduated from her ballet course in university. She got a (2:2)
"
195535,"Asked an artist how he draws women so well. He says """"I have a day job.""""
"
69064,"After this week, Donald Trump is so angry at the theater that ... he's going to build a 4th Wall.
"
87419,"Why are there fences around a graveyard? People are dying to get in.
"
112337,"I get confused by Burqas. I accidentally posted a letter in a Muslim woman yesterday.
"
161555,"When did the gay atheist become religious and started praying? When the gunman walked into the club he was in and started shooting and the doors were locked.
"
70457,"Why does the CPU never get any work done? Because it gets interrupted constantly.
"
70901,"My mexican friend told me he is far sided, I said so does that mean you cant see far away? to which he replied &gt;""""No, I *quinceanera*""""
"
143744,"How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas? They all gather around their cash registers and sing """"What a Friend We Have In Jesus...""""
"
100017,"""""Make cave drawing. It last longer."""" - Cavewoman bitch
"
23720,"Teacher: What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm? Girl: Apollo neck jumpers ?
"
65807,"I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record... ...she called me a riceist
"
192939,"It's like these birds don't even know that it's the crack of fuck on a mother fucking Saturday morning.
"
179969,"I wish I had taught my dog the command """"Taylor Swift"""" so every time it snowed he would just """"Shake It Off.""""
"
76466,"Kid: why is my cousin named Diamond? Mother: because your auntie really loves diamonds Kid: well what about my name? Mother: never mind about that Richard.
"
123474,"[liquor store] Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring. Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection* Him: Oh, it's you.
"
21503,"Black jokes and Mexican jokes are all the same If you know a Juan, you know Jemalle
"
174289,"What did the dyslexic traveller say when he arrived at an unknown station? Whoops, wrong sub.
"
10159,"why can't you keep a jew in jail? they eat lox...
"
181627,"Did you hear that funny Amy Schumer joke? Me either.
"
111555,"Hearing a joke is like chasing a puppy with a club, eventually you get it.
"
176679,"A terrorist made a post on reddit... Then he said """"Well, I'm gonna see how's that gonna blow up in a few hours""""
"
21825,"Dreading going to gym. It's kinda late. Open 24hrs, tho. Hey, you know who else is open 24hrs? McDonalds. Yeah. I'm going to McDonald's.
"
211466,"[REQUEST] Ancient Jokes Historians, archeologists and others please to submit jokes/wit/humor from far back, like dark ages and even BCE. the idea is to determine how long can a joke still be funny.
"
219502,"What's the worst thing about eating a vegetable? Putting her back in her wheelchair
"
148253,"A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, """"I slept with a Brazilian...."""" The blonde replies, """"Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?!""""
"
115268,"Erlich Bachman. This is you as a old mayn. I'm a ugly and dead, alone.
"
132750,"The secret of a long marriage is accepting the utter euphoria you would feel from strangling your spouse to death isn't worth life in jail.
"
95218,"What do you call a black astronaut? An astronaut. racist jerk
"
115618,"I totally owned the mosh pit at the One Direction concert last night.
"
98709,"Sometimes I'm tempted to run into a Gym and tell men which machine they should be using to impress women. It's called an ATM.
"
76242,"Kids today don't know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
"
180123,"TIL that there is enough oxygen on earth to cover the entire planet!! How crazy is that!
"
92324,"Do 90-year-old men wear boxers or briefs? Depends.
"
219008,"How do you tell jokes? Repost :(
"
224622,"What do you call a perverted Magician? Q: What do you call a perverted Magician? A: David """"Cop a Feel"""" ...ba dum cha!
"
169605,"How does Kanye make Kim Kardashian's eyes twinkle? He shines a flashlight in her ear.
"
172976,"Pizza Hut: May I take your order? Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian? Pizza Hut: Yes, but don't ever call me vegetarian again.
"
13259,"After some thinking i decided not to go through with the brain transplant But then, i changed my mind
"
117154,"In my son's class they were talking about allergies, my son said """"My mom says she's allergic to most other moms"""" Super
"
102471,"Yoshi meets Mario's parents. """"Nice to meet you, it's about time he's been riding me for years.""""
"
47090,"I like my beer like i like my violence... Domestic
"
204251,"When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.
"
129015,"I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
"
151824,"That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
"
193471,"Love you in different language English..... I Love You Spanish..... Te Amo French...... Je T'aime German...... Ich Liebe Dich Redneck..... Nice Tits
"
192636,"A Muslim goes onto a plane ride I forgot the punchline but i'm pretty sure it ended with a bang.
"
212621,"Scat and feces... Different names for the same shit.
"
37174,"Why is an angry drunk not called mean-spirited?
"
28349,"What do you calla brown guy that asks a lot of question? A curry-ous guy
"
180571,"I once met a girl with 12 nipples. Sounds funny, dozen tit?
"
36066,"Who are the fastest readers in the world? 9/11 jumpers they went 79 stories in 10 seconds.
"
122217,"In Russia they don't have Netflix, they have Njetflix.
"
216789,"The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
"
102120,"*bullies advance* STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu! <laughter> *detectives arrive* Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?
"
211687,"What happened on Reddit yesterday? A pao-erful change
"
221392,"Has anyone here heard of the Mexican train conductor who went crazy and ran over a bunch of people? He had locomotives!
"
111872,"What's the only type of dog that doesn't bark? A dogfish!
"
4601,"*whispers to dog wearing a 'working dog, do not pet' vest* psst what time does your shift end?
"
43359,"One did one redditor say to the other? Heard it.
"
111378,"What's the best way to reheat turkey? Nuke it.
"
55036,"I learned that you transfer more germs shaking hands than kissing....It didn't take HR long to stop me from introducing myself to women...
"
140926,"Teacher: You're here to learn.  Me: No bitch, I'm here because my mum wouldn't let me stay home.
"
67631,"What's Whitney Houston's favorite form of coordination? HAAAAANNNNND EEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEYYYYEEE
"
96528,"You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? Hahahaa WHY!!??
"
82089,"It's been so hot lately, so I finally got a new AC... and i nicknamed it DIRK cuz it's so clutch against the heat.
"
120440,"Why are there no Motown artists from North Korea? Because they have no Seoul.
"
154041,"I like my women like I like my movies. Silent and in the 20s.
"
52056,"My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.
"
73326,"What did one pencil say to the other? 2B or not 2B?
"
150355,"AKA What's another word for Italian cologne? Garlic
"
79890,"""""Uno, dos..."""" And just like that, the Spanish magician was gone without a tres.
"
73228,"Instead of expecting your wife to make you dinner every night like it's 1950, man up and develop a cocaine habit so you don't need to eat.
"
193101,"I'd like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
"
12619,"How do you join a Vampire Fan Club? Send your name address and blood group.
"
25497,"Why was Jack scared? Because Jack was bean stalked
"
211317,"What did the philosophically-wise Mongol general say to motivate himself? I'm not Immanuel Kant. I'm Genghis Kahn!
"
117538,"So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem walks into a bar... And I kid you not, he came out of NOWHERE
"
62169,"How many times should you check whether a sentence is written in English or Spanish? Once.
"
209528,"Why don't blind people skydive? cos it scares the shit out of their dogs.
"
133799,"You don't have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
"
83686,"Think about a future where humanity has no choice but to leave earth. It's unsettling
"
229519,"The surprise in the Cracker Jacks box is Diabetes.
"
221729,"I hate when I go out in public only to discover that my fly is down. Cheer up my little insect friend. Cheer up.
"
43285,"Vikings kicker Blair Walsh apparently attempted suicide last night. He ended up being just fine, he was unable to kick the chair out from under him.
"
160638,"What did the lonely lumberjack use to get laid? TINDERRRRR!!!!
"
95746,"My sister said she thought it would be cool to be a meme. I told her to run for president.
"
190791,"#feelthebern As a Jew I'm not sure Bernie is allowed to say that
"
95263,"Just saw an Italian guy from New Jersey in an Ed Hardy hat reading a book! Ha, just kidding. He was raping.
"
39050,"What's the difference between a feminist and a vacuum cleaner? They both suck, but the vacuum has a handle on it.
"
136476,"It surely can't be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name
"
197308,"""""How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?"""" 384 my liege """"Ok, round them up"""" 400 my liege
"
83080,"How many Mexicans does it take to build a.... never mind, they're done
"
8261,"How do most elderly golfers die? They have a bad stroke
"
66178,"I think they need to come out with an R rated Toy Story where the mom's sex toys all come to life too. The theme song should still be """"You got a friend in me"""".
"
81578,"cucumber and potato. What the potato said to the cucumber? - Hi, How are you? What the cucumber answered? - OH MY GOD!!! A TALKING POTATO!!!!!!!!!
"
63092,"Who is bigger - Mrs Bigger or Mrs Bigger's baby? Mrs Bigger's baby because he's a little Bigger.
"
39178,"Where do Floridians wash their clothes? In Fort Launderdale.
"
55090,"My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
"
93206,"I couldn't afford a vanity license plate, so I named my dog 956 XDM.
"
127009,"Dear Algebra, Stop asking us to find your X. She's isn't coming back and don't ask Y.
"
154981,"Why'd the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks.
"
98569,"How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You Pokemon!
"
121638,"Isn't it ironic that the favorite drink of Britain's homeless is called """"Tennents""""?
"
23507,"So I asked my grandma I asked my grandma if she had ever tried 69. She said, """"No, but I have done 53 -- that's all the sailors I could screw in one night.""""
"
2056,"What's the hardest thing about being a pedophile? Just trying to fit in, really.
"
146327,"So my girlfriend caught me cheating Dunno what pisses her off more, that I cheated, or that I destroyed her daughters grave.
"
38145,"Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
"
210916,"If by """"fetching"""" you mean """"looks like I was dragged from the woods by a dog"""" then yes I look fetching.
"
229594,"My GF's anti aging cream went bad. HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
"
176568,"Knock Knock A: Knock Knock B: Who's there? A: Interrupting Dyslexic Cow B: Interrupting Dys-- A: OOOOOOOOOM!
"
102911,"Me and my Girlfriend just broke up We had different views on history, I wanted to Hitler and she was just Stalin.
"
191987,"Don't you hate it when you put a freshly baked pie on the windowsill to cool and a cartoon character steals it?
"
146094,"How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? More than ten because my basement is still dark.
"
117289,"Last night I watched a great U.S. Olympic Trials semifinal match that featured Sylvester Stallone vs Joey Lawrence in a Pronunciation game.
"
123176,"*still doesn't understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
"
93582,"what if the Blair Witch was just lonely
"
115089,"No mister movie ticket guy that's not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that's my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
"
16717,"If X-Men and Legend of Korra had a crossover what kind of bender would Magneto be? A Fassbender
"
71176,"I don't mind when people make kitchen jokes about women, but when they make jokes about women driving... Well that's when I run you over
"
199252,"I think we should hear adeles boyfriends songs before we pick sides.
"
85460,"Why did Kennedy throw his head back? He was taking a shot.
"
198571,"So I was dating this girl... ...she was so posh, every time she had an orgasm she'd scream: """"I'm arriving!""""
"
58387,"Why can't dwarfs sing? Because they can't reach the high notes. Bonus: how does dwarves communicate? Smalltalk.
"
95724,"I use a sword to argue with people. They usually get my point.
"
125572,"No matter how hard I tried to push the envelope... It was still stationery.
"
210408,"Your so bald I can see what your thinking.
"
165252,"Face it. Our planet is bipolar.
"
164435,"What do Spiderman and I have in common? We're both in love with Mary Jane
"
84986,"Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
"
45311,"The Doctor stuck a finger in my bum... For a prostate exam. He said """"All's fine."""" I said """"Stick another finger in there, please."""" He asked """"why?"""" I said """"I want a second opinion.""""
"
16483,"Me: Can you bring me a burrito Him: you want me to come over? Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
"
19467,"Insomnia sufferers, look on the bright side. only three more sleeps until christmas.
"
27747,"Alcohol is the worst thing in the world... My friend had a lot last night and ended up saying  """"I love you"""" to his Own Wife !!!
"
168373,"What do you call a 5 year old's knees? Kidneys! Ha! I'll be here all week folks.
"
134377,"What do you call a clock you wear on your belt? A waist of time
"
87638,"Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
"
62303,"do the Simpsons know they're all dying of jaundice
"
48311,"I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 pm The clock turned to 12:00 and I thought to myself, """"Same shit, different day.""""
"
177829,"I think if I was brutally ass raped by a unicorn, it would be of little consolation that they are fictional.
"
46173,"What do you get when you cross a highway with a lawnmower? Killed.
"
18265,"What kind of bagel can fly? A plane bagel.
"
216693,"Ted said to his friend 'can you lend me $10?' 'But I only have $8' his friend replied. That's OK you can always owe me the other $2!
"
154118,"I was flirting with an Asian girl at a bar last night when I decided to ask for her number. She replied, """"Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!"""" I said, """"Wow!"""" Then her friend said, """"She means 6663629"""".
"
199031,"What does the Starship Enterprise have in common with toilet paper? They circle Uranus searching for clingons.
"
36549,"Q: Why did the chicken say """"Meow oink bow-wow and moo?"""" A: He was studying foreign languages.
"
168111,"I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I'm too excited to wait at home so I'm camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
"
139949,"CNN: """"Chess grandmaster, 20, dies in parkour balcony fall"""" Shoulda castled earlier.
"
188200,"You would think that you would be a better pastry chef With all the creampie videos I watch...
"
75335,"Have you heard about the corporation that controls all the world's cheese? The hallouminatti.
"
171929,"An unfortunate blind date. that's the last blind date I go on. She turned up. hit me with her cane then her dog bit me. It was like she couldn't even see.
"
231390,"I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.
"
30038,"Colombian Necktie Did the man with the Colombian necktie like his necktie? He couldn't say.
"
7540,"What's an emo's favorite file type? .rar
"
129012,"What did the zombie say when he walked into the wrong tomb? I have made a grave mistake.
"
19232,"The Fine Bros should be join the Criminal Minds team After all, they did find 100k unsubs in just one day.
"
145244,"While sitting on the couch my wife said """"I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."""" Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.
"
18742,"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
"
223012,"I don't care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you're going to need a dentist.
"
201547,"The US govt has a department of ethics... No bullshit they really do... Its a sick joke... [go to g](http://www.usa.gov/directory/federal/)
"
202414,"I like my women how I like my milk... Rich, white, and 2% fat
"
13939,"What do you call a """"to-go"""" dish ordered from German-Italian restaurant? Alfredosehen
"
48978,"Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
"
10041,"you think there'd be a word for 'sleeping bag' that isn't a placeholder description of what it is
"
85596,"Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
"
6771,"Kevin Bacon likes to play Six Degrees of Everybody Else.
"
94229,"Finally tried Viagra,... Damn near broke my hand!
"
61062,"*Opens Twitter*.....scrolls 4356 tweets....*checks for abs*
"
212360,"Did you know if you drink the fluid from a magic 8 ball you can see the future. Trust me. My friend Keith did it once and he said he was going to die and then he did.
"
187780,"I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :(
"
84443,"Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
"
162513,"""""You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?"""" -Jesus
"
104977,"How does a ghost start a letter? Tomb it may concern.
"
178275,"What did the scientist say when he discovered the lowest possible temperature? OK
"
170987,"Sheryl Crow singing the national anthem
"
157873,"Miley Cyrus's VMA preformance... Was so classless Karl Marx came in his grave
"
157058,"My Asian friend said he had erection anxiety... I said: """"what do you mean?"""" He said: """"I don't want to see the dick rise to power.""""
"
206783,"*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo* """"May divorce be with you"""" """"What?"""" """"Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I'd make it fun""""
"
161511,"What do broccoli and sex have in common? NSFW If you were forced to have it as a child you're gonna hate it as an adult.
"
58892,"Why is it that lawyers get sick? It's because they are *contract*ually obligated to do so.
"
122572,"What is a primate's ideal salary? A gorillian dollars per year.
"
193276,"What was the top item on Hitler's grocery list? Concentrated Juice.
"
228171,"Whenever I try to make a pun-joke, nobody seems to get it.. I guess I'm bad at delivering the PUNchline..
"
183294,"Why did the kid get in trouble for wearing a bed sheet ghost costume? He wore a pointy hat underneath.
"
57410,"Why does doctor pepper come in a can? Because his wife is dead
"
189581,"The Middle East reminds me of that old joke about the optimist and the pessimist The pessimist says """"everything's terrible, it can't get any worse."""" the optimist says """"oh yes it can.""""
"
98754,"How do you tell if a lesbian installed your flooring? It's all tongue and groove.
"
70092,"Someone called me yesterday and said, """"Hello, is this Ross"""" I said """" no it's Chandler"""" And they hung up. So much for trying to be Friends.
"
199273,"What do you call a cow who just gave birth? Decalfeinated
"
119451,"Knock knock!
"
195686,"I always tell new hires, don't think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you.
"
94968,"I would never bungee jump... I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I'm not going out cause of one.
"
52880,"What did the cannibal do after dumping her boyfriend? She wiped her arse.
"
225485,"Women can split open our bodies & chuck living human beings out of our midsections so how about you go ahead & pay us as much as men.
"
165419,"Did you hear about the french man who got raped by a group of mimes? They did unspeakable things to him.
"
12088,"Don't mess with me! I've got a black belt... It's brown on the other side.
"
6042,"Husband: Have you lost weight? Me: About 10 lbs H: Who you trying to look good for? *wink M: You don't know him. He's on Twitter...
"
159225,"Here's how clickbait works
"
203692,"I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
"
212471,"What do you call a slutty clown? The town unicycle.
"
185504,"When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network """"HELP, I'M STILL ALIVE!""""
"
12330,"What did Jarod from subway get on his first night in jail? A foot long
"
40924,"I deserve an award for beating up a school shooter... I beat him up every day for nearly a year before he shot up the school.
"
150008,"What do you call a 100 year old ant ? An antique !
"
226710,"How many children with ADHD does it take to screw in a light bulb? Wanna go swimming?
"
157621,"i don't know if that's a burrito in your pocket or if you're happy to see me but at that size i'd be interested in both
"
173158,"Did you hear Jurassic World got shut down? Apparently they found a crisp rat in the kitchen!
"
129790,"I want my funeral to be 20 consecutive moments of silence followed by a first-time bugler playing taps.
"
17297,"-What are you drinking, son? -Soy milk. -Hola milk, soy tu padre. Edit : Removed the """"es"""" that was bothering everyone
"
90074,"What is the difference between a baby and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton would NEVER drop a bag of cocaine.
"
172358,"A dark sense of humor is like a hospital. Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.
"
183725,"Nothing says """"I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade"""" more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
"
229166,"Christ died to absolve us of sin... Now if only he'd come back and die two more times to get rid of cos and tan.
"
113670,"Do penises and testicles have much in common? Not really. There's a vas deferens between the two.
"
10966,"I was speaking to a lad at work called krowski. I asked, """"So are you Polish?"""" He said, """"No, my great grandad was."""" I said, """"Oh, so you're just a tad pole?""""
"
98405,"Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
"
168110,"What's the difference between a religion and a cult? Their tax exemption status.
"
217331,"Kanye West becomes the President And Kim Kardashian becomes the First Lady
"
149252,"Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
"
36467,"Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
"
200735,"Well-behaved is past tense for me.
"
72731,"""""if our love was a tweet, i'd fav, RT and 'gram a screen grab, bae."""" - modern vows
"
86531,"Did you know you can tell whether an ant is male or female easily? Just drop it into water, if it sinks it's a girl ant. But if it floats it's a buoyant!
"
33455,"What do you call a person who calls themselves gay when they mean happy? A homophony.
"
99684,"What does Mortal Kombat and a Helsinki church have in common? Finnish hymns
"
204469,"If future me us reading this some how, please reply ASAP Need help with my life
"
58311,"Greek Tailor's Shop A Greek man walks into a Greek tailor shop holding a pair of jeans. The blind old tailor squints at him. """"Euripedes?"""" The man nods and holds up the pants. """"Eumenedes?""""
"
3813,"Out of? Mom (about her son): Look at these marks Jim has scored... 8.. 10... 7.. Dad: Out of? Mom: Out of pity!
"
108627,"What do the Japanese do when they have an erection? They vote.
"
158839,"What do they do in Alabama when their car breaks down? Build a house next to it.
"
196956,"The autopsy is going to show that the elevator tried to bring Prince down. Go crazy.
"
99827,"I'm at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it's cold.
"
117855,"I've finally understood the meaning of """"politics"""" It's derived from """"poly"""", the Greek word for """"many"""", and """"tics"""", a blood sucking parasite.
"
119990,"If I had a nickel for every racist thing I've ever said I'd have a small loan of a million dollars.
"
134184,"Your parents brought you up! Don't bring them down.
"
106294,"Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait... Regular or Asian?
"
142742,"If a baby like Justin Bieber is the face of teen angst and rebellion, then we've bubble wrapped our kids too tight.
"
116775,"I find it in poor taste that the 1am drive-thru attendant asks """"How are you?"""" Not good, Maria. Clearly.
"
4099,"""""I'm hungry!"""" says your sister... """"Hi Hungry, I'm Dad"""" your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, """"I'm fucking hungry!""""
"
75175,"Two Hydrogens walk into a bar and spot an Oxygen Feeling adventurous, they approach her and ask """"Hey baby, can we interest you in a waterway?""""
"
95902,"Sexual predators are never funny Unless Lena Dunham writes about being one.
"
10624,"My penis was in the guinness book of world records! And then the librarian told me to take it out
"
80910,"A horse walks into a shrink's office. The shrink says """"Why the long penis? Er. Um. Face. Dammit!!""""
"
169014,"John: """"My memory is bad..."""" George: """"How bad is it?"""" John: """"How bad is what?""""
"
87121,"What where Adam's first words to Eve? """"Don't wash it in there, you'll make the fish smell like that!""""
"
140781,"Men might stare at your tits and ass, but women buy a latex mold of a pen*s and keep it in their drawer. Who's creepy now?
"
159030,"Having a crush on someone is like solving a math problem. If you know you can't get it, all you can do is just stare at it.
"
48814,"So, a baby seal walks into a club... *Best joke i've ever heard.*
"
113791,"How do blind people know when to stop wiping their ass?
"
132109,"[walks in on someone watching Wheel Of Fortune] What's this, Wheel of Fortune?
"
144033,"Whenever you feel depressed, imagine someone tickling Kristen Stewart.
"
149176,"Why can't hellen keller drive? She's a woman!
"
85681,"Why can't bikes stand up without leaning on something? They're two-tired.
"
70977,"Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... Was aiming a little high...
"
141376,"Stupidity is not a crime so you are free to go.
"
125466,"Did you hear about the guy that got trampled by the triplets? He's six feet under now.
"
109019,"If I ever had a heart transplant I would want my ex's because it's never been used
"
7892,"Silly Political/Finance Joke What do Vladimir Putin, Crude Oil, and the Russian Ruble have in common? They're all going to be 65 this year.
"
124660,"What's another name for a Jew? A sneeze.
"
166527,"Michael J Fox got a new restaurant endorsement deal... Shakey's
"
188347,"""""'Earth' without 'the' is just 'ar'."""" - Pirates If you haven't seen """"Earth without art is just eh"""" then you prolly didn't like this tweet.
"
198914,"Canada is so sexist! Why isn't there a Womanitoba
"
72600,"Why did the scarecrow get a promotion He was outstanding in his field.
"
214930,"Anyone can overcome adversity. But it takes real strength to complain and then give up.
"
226615,"I tried to make a living mixing audio files to the left and right ...but it didn't really pan out.
"
81512,"Why should't old people eat healthy? They need all the preservatives they can get.
"
24792,"Guess what? Good guess
"
170529,"If it's your imperfections that make you beautiful, I'm pretty sure I should be a supermodel.
"
51885,"I made my girlfriend dinner to cheer her up after her abortion The selfish cow didn't even touch her king prawn in red wine sauce
"
21614,"It's ridiculous that the pope has to go around surrounded by armed guards these days I know he's a priest but he's not going to do anything out in public
"
155921,"I've been with my girlfriend for 5 years... .... so her dad was very surprised when I proposed. He had no idea I was gay.
"
230618,"*rolls out of bed* *rolls into other strategically placed bed* """"Nice.""""
"
92873,"Why is it when a house is haunted it's always a ghost from the 1700's? Imagine it being a ghost from 2007 screaming """"It's Britney Bitch"""" at 3am
"
39360,"I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
"
201075,"Everyone seems to like tinman from wizard of oz... But I can't stannum.&gt;_&gt;
"
62319,"Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
"
172833,"When I worked at the shoe store... I was the sole employee.
"
45133,"Did you see the guy at Walmart hiding from ugly people?
"
142934,"squirrel probs
"
114843,"I wonder if Taylor Swift ever gets one of her songs stuck in her head and also wants to kill herself
"
215106,"Why were all Roman buildings made of stone? They crucified the carpenter.
"
33840,"""""Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord.""""
"
16942,"Yo mama is so ugly, she went to an ugly competition They said, """"Sorry, no professionals.""""
"
83908,"What's the difference between a group of midget engineers and a women's track team? One is a group of cunning runts...
"
186230,"POLICE: knock knock DRUG DEALER: who's there P: weed DD: weed who P: we'd like to come in and arrest you DD: lol good one, come on in
"
211790,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Adair ! Adair who ? Adair once but I'm bald now !
"
156135,"What did a blind french guy said he wanted for christmas? """"All I want for christmas is yeux""""
"
136950,"What has four legs and one arm? A pitbull terrier in a childrens' playground
"
89079,"What do you call a horse who disagrees with you? Glue.
"
136756,"Whenever I'm nervous on a business call, I just envision the person on the other end of the phone as a muppet.
"
57760,"Dear Board of Education... So are we. - Sincerely, the students
"
139189,"It's getting colder and colder outside, and my wife does nothing but looks through the window. If it goes on like this any longer, I think I will have to let her in.
"
46878,"What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex? A microwave won't Brownen your meat
"
209086,"Son, I'm not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
"
5830,"What's your favorite medical joke? I've memorized a lot of jokes from a previous """"doctor joke"""" thread, and need some fresh material!
"
114712,"What do you call a bakery staffed entirely by men? A pastryarchy.
"
17871,"Good woman joke What do you tell a woman with two black eyes. Nothing you already told her twice.
"
222886,"What does an egg say at a party? omelette
"
43731,"A lawyer I know is a big fan of U2 He's pro Bono.
"
202307,"Why are people who work in IT amazing at relationships and sex? When there is a problem they just turn them off and back on
"
98511,"My friend came out of closet to me recently """"I am gay"""", he said to me. I didn't believe my friend. I thought he was kidding. I said... """"How can you say that with such a straight face?""""
"
61405,"I just started reading """"Codependency for dummies"""" I can't put it down.
"
188885,"(My romance novel) """"You have a pretty face,"""" he said. """"Thank you,"""" she said, lifting up her bangs. """"I've got even more face under here.""""
"
51782,"Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear? Because he liked sole music!
"
223446,"No, I can't make it to your hair washing party tonight. I'm washing my h... erm i mean my dog ate my grandmother is dead.
"
217887,"Apparently you're not supposed to tell """"That's what she said jokes"""" during the Board meeting because it's """"inappropriate""""
"
29539,"I bought a Cosmo magazine that said """"Best Sex Ever!"""" All I got was a bunch of papercuts.
"
224587,"A chemist and his friend walk into a bar... The chemist asks the bartender for some H2O. His friend is trying to be cool and says """"Hey, I'll have an H20 too"""". Then the friend dies.
"
101307,"Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
"
230284,"An often unfunny joke where the punchline comes first. What is a Jeopardy joke?
"
33133,"What do you call a piece of poo that assualts you in the ocean? A shart attack
"
230773,"Since we're doing jokes we made up as kids: What did one lightbulb to say to the other? Watts up?
"
29868,"I saw this cute homeless girl on the street.. ..so I asked her if I could take her home. She smiled and said """"sure"""", boy the look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...
"
14819,"do they have the fourth of July in the UK? Of course it comes after the third and before the fifth of July
"
107009,"What do sex, Mexican food, and pizza have in common? They're all easy to do decent but hard to do great.
"
189654,"What kind of bees give milk? Boobies.
"
56308,"What's the most popular type of car in Turkey? Coupe
"
154843,"I wanted to change my Reddit password from Warriors into Cavs. But Reddit said Too weak
"
99050,"A joke my kid told me today. Him: dad guess who is the smallest family in the world? Me: I don't know, who? Him: the atoms family. Not bad for 7 years old.
"
133243,"Infomercials that present themselves as """"special"""" news reports - Who exactly are these fooling?
"
26534,"What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court ? Annette !
"
64598,"I like my women like I like my coffee Roasted, ground up, and dissolved in hot water
"
126076,"My math teacher told me this joke. What do you find on a beach? A tangent.
"
57317,"Where do Crows hang out on a friday nght? At a crow bar.
"
95552,"This weekend is daylight savings time, which means the clock on my microwave will be right again.
"
168966,"What do you call 24 carrots? Edible gold.
"
168563,"What do fat girls and scooters have in common? They're both fun to ride.....until your friends see you.
"
4094,"What's the difference between a knife, and an argument with a female? A knife has a point...
"
18975,"Why did the chewing gum cross the road? 'Cause I stepped on it.
"
127564,"Lady Gaga is so nasty I wouldn't even poke her face.
"
14617,"My wife faked an orgasm, so I faked a mortgage payment
"
50028,"I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.
"
108706,"""""I got 15 years for leaving my wife.."""" """"How'd you leave her?"""" """"Dead by the side of the road...""""
"
44512,"Wanna hear a joke about pizza? Never mind it's too cheesy.
"
59160,"A Montage Video of My Life Except every time I disappoint someone, it gets faster [0:08]
"
157017,"What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone? You can't hear a vitamin.
"
106987,"Today I woke up to a blow job.. ..never falling asleep with my mouth open again.
"
80003,"What did Sacagawea the frog say in the trampoline factory? I'm very hoppy.
"
21994,"I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
"
68790,"Surprise your coworkers by hiding in the utility closet until you're dead.
"
203224,"Something happened to me yesterday that will never ever happen to me again. How can you be so sure? I was 10 years old yesterday.
"
193938,"Why is Hillary better than a prostitute? Hillary will be whatever you want her to be for a whole campaign, a prostitute only lasts 30 minutes.
"
6804,"What's the difference between Whose Line is it Anway and /r/jokes? On Whose Line is it Anyway, *everything* is made up.
"
45010,"Oedipal Arrangements ...just like your mom used to make.
"
159860,"Damn girl, are you an alarm clock? Because you were a good idea last night, but now I just want you to shut the fuck up.
"
101478,"What do cannibal say when they say grace? ''We thank youLord for our daily dead!''
"
111579,"A man gives his wife a glass of water and two aspirin His wife says, """"What are these for? I don't have a headache."""" The man replies, """"Great! Let's f***!""""
"
13866,"is that a banana in your pocket or oh cool yeah good source of potassium.
"
15322,"People who live in stone houses can throw all the glass they want.
"
169938,"Why should you never buy ukrainian underwear? Chernobyl fallout.
"
167696,"Dog: Whatcha doing? Me: Shaving my legs. Dog: Why? Me: So that I'm not covered in... Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
"
50938,"Doctors have discovered a new strain of ebola in Israel They have appropriately named it Heebola.
"
150274,"I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he's blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
"
111585,"It has been said that 25% of people have a distrust of stairs Because they are always up to something
"
217683,"Want to hear my favorite holocaust joke? Aw, schwitz! I forgot it :(
"
49852,"What is a frog's favorite dance? The Lindy Hop.
"
101923,"Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
"
146739,"Fairy tales My granddaughter asked me, """"Do all fairy tales begin with """"Once upon a time?"""" I said, no, some begin with """"If elected, I promise to........................""""
"
89662,"Just found a spider in my shoe. He looks ridiculous, they are way too big for him.
"
35383,"""""Enjoying your day off?"""" - what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
"
123055,"Who is the KKK's favorite children's character ? The White-Power Ranger I came up with this after reading a cracked article.
"
79062,"Why cant black people get PhD's? Because they can't get past their Masters.
"
97412,"Dumb joke I thought of while bored at work. Why is working at Amazon warehouse like being a coke addict? You spend 10 hours a day doing nothing but clearing lines.
"
9822,"It's weird for Me not having a Pope. I feel like Burns without Smithers.
"
152310,"Wait a second ... Water parks have restrooms ... For what?!
"
47769,"What can you tell your dog but not your girlfriend? Sit down and beg There are a million answers to this. Come on reddit, make my day better.
"
4317,"My signature move is having my phone connected for hours to a charger that's not even plugged in.
"
147121,"What's the best part about having sex with ninety-nine year olds? There's ninety of 'em.
"
190257,"Stop making jokes about gay porn! Come on guys! *edit* Here's one more joke I'm fucking serious guys!
"
213951,"how are high schoolers similar to women? they're always asking """"when will this period be over?""""
"
92989,"How do you keep your dog young for longer? [Terrible OC] Keep them stored in some quality... pupperware!
"
84503,"They say you can't teach an old dog new tricks... But I didn't even try and mine's been playing dead for an hour!
"
145400,"I watched Transformers today. I've spent the last 2 hours in my garage telling my car I know his secret. He's shy.
"
181354,"My boss keeps asking me to cut my hair. I keep telling him it is part of my religion I worship the Metal Gods. Edit: TL;DR 666
"
208743,"the bottom half of my legs are really interesting they're knee-toe
"
39283,"[Calls boss] I'm gonna be late... """"How late?"""" *Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego* I've no idea to be honest with you...
"
127599,"Why did the cowboy buy a Dachshund? Because he wanted to get-a-long-little-doggy
"
214336,"I'm allergic to Everclear. It makes me break out.. Into handcuffs.
"
61981,"A kiss makes my day. Anal makes my whole week.
"
72135,"Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it's like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don't like it
"
64858,"http://loolzpedia.blogspot.com/2014/08/oxygen.html Oxygen Is Important
"
189975,"A girl I know got collagen injections in her butt. Now she looks like a smuggler's desk. She's got a false bottom in her drawers. Just thought of that one today.
"
122846,"668  The neighbour of the beast.
"
17693,"Why did the bike not go to the gym? BECAUSE IT WAS TOO TIRED :D:D:D:D:D:D
"
67760,"My date cancelled; said he had an emergency. I just saw him at the market buying cereal and I thought, 'I agree with his priorities.'
"
112447,"""""Wanna hear a joke?"""" """"Alright then."""" """"What's the difference between a toilet and a fridge?"""" """"I don't know,"""" """"You're disgusting.""""
"
98772,"If you could go back in time and kill any person for the good of the future, who would you kill? Trump
"
73029,"When are Latkes traditionally eaten? While hiding in an attic.
"
45845,"Lif is too short
"
171555,"What is green and flies above Poland? Peter Pansky
"
31945,"Pick up line I put the STD in stud, but all I need is you.
"
216395,"I got a joke MySpace
"
58762,"Ciger: close but no cigar.
"
100586,"What did Mr. Marijuana say to Mrs. Marijuana when she asked if her dress makes her look fat? """"I'll be blunt...""""
"
39076,"Three blondes walk into a building.... You'd think that one of them might have saw [seen] it.
"
165604,"I met a guy who said he was a test tube baby. I said, groovy, daddy-o.
"
132645,"My boyfriend broke up with because I make too many Linkin Park references, but in the end it doesn't even matter.
"
78679,"This coffee tastes like... ...mud, because it was ground a few minutes ago. EDIT: how to tag as 'dirty'?
"
211243,"What kind of vegetable comes to all your parties? A turnup
"
115063,"The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I'm done picking my nose, I'm gonna smile and wave.
"
160537,"Awkward That awkward when you read """"moment"""" even though it wasn't there.
"
62548,"What do you say to a broken Xbox One? Nothing, you already said it twice.
"
52652,"Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great Food! No atmosphere.
"
158093,"My wife told me I needed to stop singing Wonderwall. I said maybe.
"
115156,"Why is the KKK a good place to find a job? Cos they'll always hook a brutha up
"
227258,"Weddings and funerals are the same because I love going but I don't want them to be about me.
"
214465,"I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
"
75346,"If the letters fall off your company's logo... ...maybe it's a bad sign.
"
122899,"A wise man once said, a cheating wife is like a deck of playing cards... You need a heart to love her A diamond to marry her A club to smash her fucking head in And a spade to bury the bitch...
"
103846,"The bartender says: """"I'm sorry, we don't serve faster-than-light particles here."""" A tachyon walks into a bar.
"
76580,"Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.
"
129398,"I fell of a 50ft ladder today! Luckily, I was only on the second step.
"
124236,"On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
"
190141,"""""I have something I'd like to get off my chest."""" - Guy with three nipples
"
141224,"What are the similarities between Cocaine and Gain detergent? A:With both of them you go sniff sniff hooray!
"
200865,"Vampires, if I want to be jabbed with a body part, teeth are not my 1st choice. Also, I have plenty of holes. No need to make new ones.
"
43968,"Yo mama so fat.. She fell in love and broke it
"
203565,"Good Answer A white couple gets a black child. Angry husband asks- You white, Me white. Why is baby black? Wife- You hot, Me hot. Baby burnt!
"
126848,"Stupidity comes in all shapes and sizes. Some of them even look like people.
"
153016,"What side of a turkey has the most feathers? The outside.
"
168682,"Hey do you like bowpha? Bowpha deez nutts
"
171674,"What was Alex Rodriguez's last hit? Who gives a shit, he's finally done ruining the sport.
"
163337,"He asked: how do you feel about sex? She replied: Well i like it infrequently. He said: is that one word or two?
"
108451,"What do you call an Italian man without arms? A mute. Sorry if repost.
"
113520,"""""Eat right and exercise?!?... I dunno...seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.""""
"
37598,".@Beyonce can you feed my turtles while I'm on vacation
"
34425,"How do you react to the fragrance of a bottle of wine from the year 2000? Smells like teen spirit.
"
32250,"aesop: man what you did was not cool. like imagine if a fox did what you did to me, and i was a goose. that makes it much clearer right?
"
20279,"*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
"
22296,"My son complained to me that his yogurt was too soupy. I told him to suck it up.
"
29300,"My wife asked me 'What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? And if you haven't figured it out by now you'll never figure it out will you.'
"
99177,"I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
"
46918,"Where do pots go on vacation? JaPAN! From my 9 year old.
"
134754,"What is the difference between a fly and a mosquito? A mosquito can """"fly"""", but a fly can not """"mosquito"""".
"
47985,"When I'm with you, I'm breathless. My pulse quickens and I can feel my entire body getting hot. Also, you're a treadmill and I'm asthmatic.
"
78019,"It was called a jumpoline...... Until your mom got on it.
"
155770,"""""Hey, we're wearing the same shoes,"""" I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
"
195832,"I went shopping for some lingerie for my wife. I asked the shop keep if the panties were satin. He said """"No, they're brand new"""".
"
52742,"What's a pedophile's favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.
"
186768,"Boy and girl of class 2 asked teacher: """"can kids of our age have kids?"""" Teacher replied """" NO Never!!"""" Boy said to girl : """"see i told you not to worry!!!!"""".
"
229550,"Do you know why computer parts are not expensive? Because they are micro-cheap.
"
130999,"If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them would you go to lunch or read the paper?
"
151397,"If there weren't any democrats... then who would be left?
"
162770,"I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
"
6265,"Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
"
110547,"Why did the man open a rooftop bar? He wanted to have drinks on the house.
"
47703,"Conjunctivitis.com Now that's a site for sore eyes.
"
62858,"Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it's the most important meal.
"
147426,"Today I accidentally hit on the mirror It cracked me up
"
221447,"I don't sit crossed legged to be classy, I'm holding my tampon in
"
105051,"""""Want to get a drink?"""" """"Later:"""" """"How about now?"""" """"Later."""" """"Now?"""" """"Later."""" """"Now?"""" --If the Windows Auto Updates pop up was your friend.
"
153306,"Blasphemous jokes http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/ubv1y/whats_the_best_religious_or_antireligious_joke/ Yes, it is in /r/atheism, but there are some really good ones in there
"
143799,"Two candles wanted to get high... They lit up and got low instead. Happy 4/20!
"
53024,"What is the average temperature of a Tonton? Lukewarm
"
132707,"Do you know why Stevie Wonder can't see his friends? He got married.
"
94604,"Why is being a pirate addictive? They say that after you lose your first hand, you get hooked!
"
18200,"John has 400 spiders, he eats 398, what does John have now? Cancer
"
230570,"Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy that can carry a dozen doughnuts and 2 cups of coffee.
"
221992,"""""Why did he win?! Anyone who supports Trump is nuts!"""" said the Hillary supporter, fully unaware that cashews alone outnumber humans 50 to 1 ...
"
87445,"Did you guys hear about the new death camps in North Korea? No you didn't. You haven't heard anything. Long Live the Democratic People's Republic of Korea.
"
188005,"What's the difference between a pizza and a woman The crust on the pizza tastes good.
"
110640,"Is your birthday the 10th of October? Because you look like a 10/10!
"
181211,"Single men everywhere strain to make one major change this new year... their bed sheets.
"
166308,"Husband comes home early and sees his wife with a black man. And says: """"Now i can see black on white that you are cheating on me. """"
"
187224,"What's a great thing to do in Fresno? Leave.
"
57771,"What is Alzheimer's? WHAT IS ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE? * Is it A) Memory Loss? * Is it A) Memory Loss? * Or is it false?
"
229940,"A month before my grandfather died we decided to cover his back in lard. After that he went downhill very quickly.
"
133598,"What do you call a rapper who likes honey for breakfast? Sugar Puff Daddy
"
219272,"What kind of shoes do paedophiles wear? White vans Edit: when /u/Sninfessor beats your joke
"
207275,"Tad looked up from the book on ancient history  he was reading and asked his father """"Pop what's a millennium?""""  """"Well"""" he muttered """"I think it's something like a centennial  only it has more legs!""""
"
181425,"*ding-dong* - """"Hello, my name is Tony, I'm here to bang your daughter."""" - """"TO WHAT?!"""" - - """"TONY!""""
"
28733,"ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote's son FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level AGAINST: one of them is a dog
"
144859,"Two fish were in a tank... One says to the other: you shoot, I'll drive
"
138113,"Wife. Would you cut the label off my dress. Me. Sure *Snip* There you go. Wife. Thanks. Me. No problem. *Kicks pony tail under bed.
"
142655,"WHAT DO WE WANT?! A CURE FOR TOURETTE'S! WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! CUNT!
"
201284,"Why hasn't Harper Lee had any kids? Because she's never spoonfed anyone anything.
"
91282,"A Blonde walks up to a barman and orders a double entendre So he gives her one!
"
49604,"I didn't realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit """"shuffle"""" in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
"
208902,"With this new winter storm on the way, it looks like Boston is going to get hammered again. They'll also be getting snow too.
"
131880,"Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to  the orange? Because the lime was engaged.
"
109517,"Have you heard the one about the suicidal farmer that liked to mutilate cows? He was a danger to himself and udders. Edit: Spelling
"
77872,"Well..I updated my status...offended someone. Was deleted from their friend list...Yep..My work here is done 
"
192790,"Why are portraits of George Washington displayed in British bathrooms? Because nothing makes the British shit quicker than the sight of George Washington
"
4377,"(bad joke) What's the best vegetable for stepping on when you get out of the shower? A toe-mat-o.
"
136564,"An aviation enthusiast enters a bar. He asks, """"Do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?"""" The bartender laughs and says, """"Sorry, we only have plain chips.""""
"
27165,"What has four legs and goes """"Oom! Oom!""""? A cow walking backwards!
"
118361,"The real question Am i the only one who thinks that porn websites should end in .cum instead of .com?
"
9035,"How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb? Trick question, anarchists can't change anything.
"
217037,"What does a church shooting sound like? Pew! Pew!
"
4785,"Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas  cake ? Your teeth !
"
175940,"Two windmills walk into a bar... They had a good moment. ___________________________ Hopefully there's some engineering joke lovers out there :)
"
30261,"FDA approving female viagra next week. Or as Bill Cosby calls it,  a """"spritzer""""
"
90816,"Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We've been lookin for you since Monday!
"
20124,"Movember I've decided to buck the trend of Movember this year by not growing a moustache. I'm calling it No-Movember.... Or for short, November.
"
190651,"How can you tell if a person is a vegetarian? Don't worry. They'll tell you they're a vegetarian.
"
227212,"How did I get out of Iraq? Iran
"
174143,"What do you call a french racist? A beget!
"
86202,"What does Walter White say when someone tells him a knock-knock joke? Nothing, because he is the one who knocks.
"
132997,"Q: How can you get out of a locked room with a piano in it? A: Play the piano until you find the right key.
"
179654,"Two necrophiliacs are walking down the street when they pass a morgue. The first necrophiliac says to the second """"Want to stop in for a couple of cold ones?""""
"
115841,"My five-year-old: """"I don't want to be your daughter anymore. I QUIT!"""" No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not expect a reference.
"
171326,"Italy in the 2014 FIFA world cup What's the difference between Italy and a tea bag? Ones in a cup
"
204063,"I have been looking back at history. And Im starting to think, Hitler was the brains but Eva was the braun.
"
181487,"The fact that this peanut butter jar states that it """"Contains Peanuts"""" makes me extremely nervous for the human race.
"
36898,"What do you call an owl who does magic? WHO-DINI
"
218810,"I don't get people that talk to themselves
"
60795,"Why did the chicken run out into traffic? To get to the other side.
"
88254,"McDonald's serves up 1 billion """"abortions on toast"""" They've sold 1 billion of [these](http://i.imgur.com/d9CDgON.jpg)...the egg-mcmuffin
"
146201,"What's the difference between a feminist and a gun? The gun only has one trigger!   -Clorox Bleach
"
121919,"Why did the janitor file for a divorce? He found his wife sweeping with someone else.
"
41509,"What do engineers use for birth control? Their personality.
"
159168,"*takes construction hat to vet* Please help. My turtle hasn't moved in 8 years.
"
152077,"Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and body-slam them for maximum impact.
"
158304,"What kind of fish is made of just two atoms? 2 Na
"
175528,"How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her? By leaving a plunger in the toilet
"
175348,"What kind of car does a viking drive? A fjord
"
138992,"Why do nuns never wear a bra? God supports everything.
"
40927,"Her: You're up to a pack a day nowyou have to cut back. Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
"
32912,"I parked in the """"C"""" section of the parking lot. So, naturally, I had to climb out of the sunroof.
"
106751,"If you ever decide to commit suicide by jumping from a building, the least you could do is wear a cape first.
"
195645,"My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over, and now I'm frantically looking for a new place to live.
"
31334,"What's the top selling book of all time in Korea? 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
"
155187,"If you drop a piano down a mine shaft what key does it play in? A flat minor
"
173964,"Why don't black people know how to swim Because nobody jumped off the ship
"
6080,"I got a job at the circus circumcising baby elephants. It pays peanuts, but the tips are huge.
"
51932,"What's green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree? A pool table
"
45625,"I couldn't figure out how to use my seatbelt.. Then it clicked.
"
187459,"I don't want to be Oprah rich.I want to be """"never drink off brand soda"""" or """"my car stops because I hit the pedal,not because I prayed"""" rich.
"
110674,"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
"
154067,"You were beautiful in my dreams, but a fucking nightmare in reality.
"
66969,"My New Year's resolution was to buy a velcro wall So far I'm sticking to it
"
28321,"What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable? Convincing their family to consent to it!
"
188194,"In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth... The rest was made in China.
"
80013,"I heard Florida rapper Rick Ross is making a cameo in the new dragon ball z movie Hes got that 8th ball.
"
202515,"Did hear about the explosion at the Kosher bread factory in Berlin? It was a challahcaust.
"
52069,"If asked at a job interview """"what's your biggest weakness"""", test their tolerance for honesty by replying """"mortality""""
"
84880,"In regards to the recent ruble crash in Russia A Russian boy asks his father """"Daddy, can I have 5 ruble for buy milk bread and vodka?"""" His father replies """"20 ruble? What you need 50 ruble for?""""
"
60725,"Why are Fencers so popular on /r/Jokes? Because they do well with Ripostes.
"
182594,"Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college.. Her: Yes I did. Me: No you didn't. Her: Yes I did. Me: Oh you're good!
"
166755,"I wonder whether Bankruptcy Court would be more fun if they reversed their Rs like Toys R Us.
"
30332,"Congress passed some bold legislation regarding cerebral palsy recently They call it the Ballsy Palsy Policy.
"
138499,"How can you make a small fortune? start with a big one
"
133587,"No matter which kids book I read to my screaming baby on an airplane, the moral of the story is always something about a vasectomy.
"
111946,"The Chicken or The Egg A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg rolls over in satisfaction and says, """"Well, I guess we answered that question.""""
"
64654,"How do you get the political science grad off your lawn? Pay for the pizza
"
119622,"Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is """"I can tweet that""""
"
158104,"Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
"
207769,"Love is blind, said the blind to the deaf I can see that.
"
87352,"When I looked at the eclipse yesterday all I could see were my parents fighting :(
"
50667,"Me: I don't like online shopping. I'm old school. I need to touch it, smell it, taste it. Her: I still need you to leave our lingerie store.
"
218558,"The greatest distance in the Universe is the one between how people think they look in a Hummer limo, and how they actually look.
"
172054,"Professor i'd like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment """"lame"""" on all her wedding pics on facebook
"
52257,"Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands They are now known as the Islands.
"
34294,"[In a cucumber submarine] 1st mate: *inspecting leak* we're taking on saltwater captain Cptn: hm yes looks like we're in quite the pickle
"
208602,"""""I just really need a good man to fill the hole"""" *100 men come running up """"In my heart."""" *100 men run away
"
32661,"All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on.
"
220704,"Did you hear about the sexually frustrated lawyer? He got off on a technicality.
"
182464,"According to my Ex, we only had 2 problems: 1. Me. 2. Not her.
"
78324,"Did you hear about the family of racist chicken detectives? They're called the Clue Clucks Clan
"
58039,"What'd you call a German businessman? An enterpreNeuer.
"
216465,"A magician is driving down the street... ...and turns into a driveway.
"
214231,"Take a selfie it'll last long-wait delete that one my eyebrows look fat take another.
"
43648,"What's the one thing a hoarder has no trouble letting go of? Their mind
"
142114,"Boob. B (top view) oo (front view) b (side view)
"
202609,"I never admit or deny anything it makes things more interesting.
"
23509,"Sorry your dad died. Here's a card with a waterfall on it
"
212022,"What does glass taste like? Blood.
"
82893,"What do your mom and a hockey team have in common? They both go three periods without a shower.
"
192940,"What do you call an egoistical sea animal? Selfish
"
3210,"United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
"
40380,"A thief broke into my house last night He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.
"
153221,"Why did the one-eyed pirate run his ship aground? He didn't have any depth perception
"
103961,"The Post Script by Adeline Extra
"
147904,"The average life insurance policy is $100,000. How much is the policy for a white supremacist? 3k.
"
225866,"Why do tennis players never get married? Because Love means nothing to them.
"
63956,"My girlfriend called me a pedophile I told her that's an awfully big word for a ten year old
"
90551,"How to fall down stairs Step 1 Step 6 Step 7, 8, 9, 11
"
33337,"What did the dead person say the skeleton... """"You're a numbskull.""""
"
191288,"The internet completely changed my sex life. I used to go to the bar every night trying to get laid. Now I'm just sit here masturbating.
"
43099,"It's a well know fact that Elton John is an excellent pianist. But did you know he sucks on the organ?
"
96606,"Step 1 to help stop a baby choking Take your dick out its mouth
"
191438,"I had no idea time zones were so far apart...Just landed in China and it's fucking New Year apparently.
"
103526,"I deliver packages, I came up to a house and a man was sticking his penis through the mail slot. He was giving me a tip.
"
68490,"I always like to have snacks while I surf porn. That way, I'm packing on the poundage while I'm pounding on the package.
"
81808,"What was the pedophile doing on the beach? Just kidding
"
97129,"Now that they found water on #Mars, how long before they bottle it & sell it at Whole Foods for $19?
"
175373,"So two cannibals are eating dinner... The first turns to the second man and says """"Wow, your wife sure does make a great roast!"""" The second replied """"I know, I'm really gonna miss her.""""
"
191475,"My 9 day old baby keeps chanting """"put the means of production in the hands of the workers""""
"
21962,"What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine? You don't have to hug a washing machine half an hour after it finishes
"
223915,"Why don't birds have to wear camouflage? Joke: Why don't birds have to wear camouflage? Punch: Because they are already """"in the skies"""". Thank you, I'll see myself out.
"
118725,"How do you stop Iran from building a nuclear reactor? Send them the Fine Brothers.
"
37843,"What do American beer and having sex in a canoe have in common? They're both f**king close to water.
"
10798,"Looking up at his wife, he asked, """"Honey, Do I have trouble making up my own mind?""""
"
55086,"""""Sir, I need you to explain your resume."""" Well, my pet tiger & I were beloved cartoon characters """"Current job?"""" I pee on things I don't like
"
48953,"Having sex in an elevator.. ..is wrong on so many levels
"
154096,"I gave up masterbating I haven't been feeling myself lately
"
51792,"A man submits 10 puns to a contest, hoping to win... but no pun-in-ten-did.
"
191186,"What do you call a bear that's been in the rain? A drizzly bear, of course
"
23113,"Glass coffins - will they catch on? Remains to be seen!
"
72111,"The only reason Indian mothers don't shop online is coz they cant bargain there
"
121025,"The world's largest info tech company has merged with a mobile accessories company, but refuses to share a name with them. And they're not even sorry about it. Nope, they're not Apple-Logitech.
"
34625,"currently texting 'Happy Father's Day' to all the men in my phone to freak them out
"
1364,"Spider: Why don't you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
"
39059,"Why has Ten been flirting with Seven? Because she heard that Seven eight Nine's pussy.
"
7385,"Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all  night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
"
105491,"Wife Wanted A man inserted an advertisement in the classifieds """"Wife Wanted"""". The next day, he received hundreds of replies, all reading: """"You can have mine
"
117652,"Women's Darts The only time they'll see a 180 is when they're programming the oven.
"
150591,"Strip clubs should make the strippers wear garlic scented perfumes so when I come home I can tell my gf I was at an Italian restaurant.
"
31383,"What did Dr.Dre say to Lil Wayne? Nothing, you idiots! Dr. Dre's dead, he's locked in Eminem's basement!
"
228195,"What is hairy and between your grandma's nipples? Her vagina
"
103088,"What is loud and sounds like an apple? **AN APPLE!**
"
82272,"[Bank Robbery] Put all the money in the bag and no one- *sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt* MOST people won't get hurt!!
"
117399,"If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
"
37133,"I've got a friend who's a female private investigator. Or gynecologist, as she likes to be called.
"
86018,"Why can't any of the seven dwarfs share the same name? Because that could create a pair o' Docs.
"
78405,"Today, I went to the toilet without bringing my phone. There are 178 tiles in the bathroom all and 6 stalls in total.
"
76657,"A 2 man plane crashes into a graveyard... so far they've found hundreds of bodies
"
132976,"I got an escort for my grandpa's 100th birthday. She said that she would give him super sex. He said """"I'll take the soup.""""
"
138300,"What's a 6.9 A good time ruined by the period?
"
178995,"[couch shopping] Wife: Eh, you married to it? *a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn't notices the couch's wedding ring*
"
143013,"[911 call] """"My hand's stuck in a blender!"""" """"Turn it on then."""" """"What?"""" """" I can't hear it, turn it on so I know you're not lying.""""
"
213953,"First Monster: I'm so thirsty my tongue's  hanging out. Second Monster: Oh. I thought that was your necktie!
"
159995,"Q: What did the duck say when she bought some lipstick? A: Put it on my bill.
"
154365,"Some guys think sweaters are sexy, but I don't like girls who sweat more than the usual amount.
"
37066,"People used to laugh at me when I would say """"I want to be a comedian"""", well nobody's laughing now.
"
210547,"My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself!
"
156552,"Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV Me:"""" Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?"""" Mum: """"Just to make sure""""
"
140018,"A Mexican, a Jew, and a black guy walk into a bar The bartender looks at them and says """"get the fuck outta here""""
"
31169,"A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar... What a fine example of an integrated community. ^(Credit: Bernard Righton/John Thomson)
"
90387,"What's better than winning a Silver Medal at the Paralympics? Not being disabled.
"
21442,"What do you call a water gun that gets people really excited? A super stoaker
"
99914,"My dick is a joke Nobody's ever seen it coming.
"
93088,"My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
"
219178,"I was having trouble sending text messages to my friend yesterday - so I text him """"test"""" this AM. He quickly responded back - """"icle""""........
"
86508,"What do you call a color-blind pop artist? See No Green
"
212304,"Jokes about the handicapped aren't funny. They're lame.
"
212481,"So the trick to getting my Dog to swallow Semen.. ..is coming on a treat.
"
53669,"What do you get when you turn a blonde upside down? A brunette with bad breath.
"
214919,"What did the dog do when the panhandler put the bite on him? Bit him naturally.
"
22896,"Did you hear about the popcorn that was demoted? He used to be a kernel.
"
171923,"What do Detroit and the Olympics have in common? You hear a gunshot and see a bunch of black guys running
"
100920,"There are three types of people in this world... those who can count, and those who can't.
"
53527,"What do you call a girl that goes down right after you just met? Ronda Rousey
"
51699,"There are only three kinds of mathematicians in this world. Those who can add up and those who can't.
"
167423,"What do you call a loaf baked in a zoo? Bread in captivity.
"
58065,"What's your favorite city in China? Taiwan
"
157727,"Why does Snoop always carry an umbrella? Fo da drizzle.
"
147729,"What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet? The Tie of the Igor.
"
101918,"Next on a SPOOKY Friends: Ross invites new girl to Halloween party but Rachel shows up! WITCH one will he choose? Phoebe dies of dysentery.
"
164509,"What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer? Mick Jagger says 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud' The Scottish farmer says 'Hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe'
"
98030,"Q: A word that defines """"a quick, clever reply to an insult or criticism."""" Sorry, this was """"a riposte"""".
"
131684,"As a male college student, the only thing that's disappearing faster than my money... is my Kleenex.
"
90876,"You're not allowed to say """"long story short"""" after talking for 30 minutes.
"
28619,"One reason my boyfriend likes The Big Bang Theory so much is that he says the title always reminds him of when we f**k.
"
41658,"What did Magic Johnson give his teammates after winning an NBA title? A HI-V (high five)
"
105937,"Guaranteed best way way for anyone to catch a Bird.(pour salt on it) Because If you pour salt on it, your close enough to just pick it up.
"
224905,"Who is the Lone Aardvark's faithful Indian  companion? Tanto
"
86670,"So I checked into a low class hotel I called the frontdesk and told him """"I got a leak in my sink,"""" he said """"go ahead.""""
"
137736,"Have you ever thought about dying instantly? couldn't hurt.
"
89936,"*gets on 1 knee* Me: I know we haven't known each other for a long time, but will you marry me? Her: Please get off my knee
"
190501,"What do you call a court case in which an immigrant is suing over sexual harassment? *Alien v. Predator*
"
16700,"What did the gymnast and the grad student have in common? The both had an outstanding balance.
"
42643,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Buffer ! Buffer who ? Buffer you can say Jack Robinson !
"
54276,"If you hold the door open for me when I'm more than ten feet away, you aren't doing me a favor. You're making me exercise.
"
216972,"Economic research Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle attract the most interest.
"
133223,"How do you find the blind guy at a nudist colony? It ain't hard.
"
57166,"Why didn't Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
"
42365,"What do you call a lazy baker? A loafer...
"
52916,"What's brown and rhymes with 'snoop?' Dr. Dre
"
6721,"What adjective do you use to describe a bad pun? Pungent
"
14688,"What's a Grecian Urn? About 2 bucks an hour depending on what the current minimum wage is.
"
143866,"Where do tech guys with diarrhea go to work? IBM
"
213646,"I like to use Rock, paper scissors to make all my binary choices. Like what gender I am
"
16832,"I was once an avid smoker of weed... I did weed everywhere I did it in rain I did it in snow But I did not, in hail.
"
24773,"My brother, Max, asked me to come up with a nickname for him. Now we just call him Maxx.
"
191202,"When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.
"
135512,"If you ask someone out and they say no, try it again in a few minutes wearing sunglasses and smoking a cigarette. #cool
"
90762,"My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday... I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?
"
111133,"Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the inkeeper three nails and asks... """"Can you put me up for the night?""""
"
851,"What do you call a hot day in Canada? A Nova Scorcha!
"
54640,"Madonna fell while performing at a show yesterday. When asked about it, she said... """"All that time on my back reminded me of the 80's""""
"
226185,"Q: Why do girls like guys who wear shirts with eight buttons? A: They fascinate.
"
230894,"When Leo said, """"To all my friends, you know who you are"""" he was talking about the bear
"
134869,"It's always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, """"I love you"""" and they're like, """"thank you for choosing Domino's.""""
"
58489,"What do you call an Asian woman on the moon? an Astronaut
"
197174,"Why did Siegfried and Roy close their bakery? A batch of Tiger bread turned on them.
"
77589,"PSA: If you're about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now 'above the law' & literally can't get in trouble ever
"
14338,"What's the opposite of condescending? [gif](http://25.media.tumblr.com/6b1b800af79638830eef30deb8163bbf/tumblr_ms1l531JGu1s29n2zo1_250.gif)
"
136753,"Two fish are in a tank One says to the other i'll man the guns you drive
"
178833,"Why do asians eat dogs? Because they like their dicks?(* eating them ofcourse) I seriously dont know.
"
40076,"Step 1: Buy a 3D printer. Step 2: Print a 3D printer. Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
"
162102,"Note to self: before sending that e-mail... Don't ever rely again on the e-mail engine spell check. Latest letter of intent of mine went out with a 'T' instead of a 'G' in """"Best Regards""""
"
141509,"Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?
"
8685,"cashier at the book store told me to """"take it easy"""" so I stabbed her in the neck with my keys because nobody tells me how to live my life.
"
42595,"TIFU: I ate my boss' sandwich out of the work fridge! Oops. Wrong sub.
"
64278,"What is it called when a reptile loses its tail? Ereptile Dysfunction
"
143804,"I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts....  she gave me change!
"
87920,"Did you hear about that kid that had sex with his teacher? Yeah, he recently died from hi-fiving.
"
115897,"As you get older, dirty talk turns into """"Yeah baby, take that nap. Take all of it honey. You like that couch? Oh yeah, sleep on it...""""
"
226719,"Guess what? Dickbutt
"
144267,"Am I the only one who calculates how many hours sleep I can get before I go to sleep?!
"
204514,"Marriage: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.
"
226202,"Dance like nobody's watching, sing like nobody's listening, Tweet like the NSA doesn't exist.
"
229578,"69% People can find something dirty in every sentence. And you are in those 69% :D
"
23899,"The Whip was especially popular In the 1800's
"
214433,"The human body can survive 28 days without food, but only 11 minutes without Internet.
"
169586,"Teacher: Why did Robin Hood only rob the rich? Me: Because the poor didn't have any fucking money.
"
214377,"11yo: Daddy, why can't we get a dog? Me: I like our house the way it is. 11: What, small? Me: Go to your drawer.
"
31231,"Did you hear about the woman who hotboxed her burqa? She got stoned
"
204158,"Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though. She's really good at that.
"
119905,"My teenage daughter is TRYING to say, """"I miss you dad, please take me fishing."""" But it keeps coming out like, """"Hey, can I have $20 dollars.""""
"
174609,"Why the rabbits love Selena Gomez? im farting carrots, im farting carrots...
"
122326,"What's got 24 balls and screws small animals? A shotgun shell.
"
170623,"Why was six afraid of seven... ...because seven was a registered six offender.
"
177170,"Question in a Soviet radio. """"What is your favorite historic figure and why Lenin?""""
"
101372,"If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian, Then soviet.
"
165225,"""""Is that a gun in your pocket or are you pleased to see me?"""" said my late wife.
"
17451,"How do you get Pikachu on a bus? You poke 'em on!
"
196214,"I like my girl like I like... Reddit Unexpectedly down on me!
"
12629,"Sorry 2015, but I just got out of a year-long relationship with 2014 and I'm not looking for anything serious right now.
"
135473,"[runs up to a group of people] ME: ZACK ATTACK GUY: lol is your name zack or [thousands of bros crest a nearby hill] ME: [whispering] RUN
"
38758,"Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
"
203430,"Knock Knock Who's there ? Colin ! Colin who ? Colin all cars Colin all cars !
"
94677,"What do you call an epileptic in a lettuce patch? Seizure Salad
"
8154,"I don't like jam but my marmite Note : Girlfriend was determined this was a good joke, I thought it was trash. You decide.
"
91009,"Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
"
188919,"Hey babe, are you a Sasquatch? Because I'm a cryptozoologist and I've been looking for you my whole life.
"
75324,"What is brown and screams? Stevie Wonder when he answers the iron.
"
116456,"Ice Bank Mice Elf (repeat this 10 times fast)
"
141595,"What does a pirate say when they drop their scissors? Scissor me timbers!
"
153402,"The only """"B"""" word you should call women is beautiful. Bitches love being called beautiful.
"
36235,"*waits for you to fall asleep* *rolls out from under your bed* *moisturizes your knees and elbows*
"
181305,"Knock Knock...Who's there? HIPPA...HIPPA Who?...Sorry, Can't tell you.
"
107562,"When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work? Are there any side effects?' No, it's Can I drink with these?'
"
101859,"How do you measure a great misunderstanding? In kiloWats
"
161376,"People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don't worry about it!
"
181778,"""""Alex is visiting later tonight."""" Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing? [From the moon] It's not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
"
102862,"Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
"
101190,"What form of radiation bakes you cookies? A gramma ray
"
185072,"I read quantum physics magazines for the particles.
"
117824,"*sees couple holding hands* *violently breaks them apart* """"Go. You're free now.""""
"
8192,"A Jew walks into a BAR.. Passes.
"
95181,"Two guys playing poker. One guy not doing anything. Why? He was cardboard.
"
162560,"""""Sexy role play.. I'll be a dentist."""" """"I'm here for my appointment"""" """"Did you book in with Karen first?"""" """"No?"""" """"Please leave, I'm very busy.""""
"
217191,"How does Darts Vader eat spaghetti? With the force and knife.
"
177005,"Did you hear the one about the girl with a seashell tattoo on her inner thigh? If you put your ear up next to it, you can smell the ocean.
"
38567,"I'm perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince...But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
"
211148,"My son wants to change his given Indian name, so I told Broken Condom he could change it if he really wants to. Kid's these days...
"
82172,"""""She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it"""" - my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
"
114841,"Why is apple afraid of microsoft? because 7 8 10
"
178743,"What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a dollar fifty but deer nuts are under a buck.
"
175096,"You catch a giraffe with giraffe bait. You catch an elephant with elephant bait. How do you catch a click? Clickbait
"
46983,"My kid swallowed a torch today... It's ok - it was removed and now he's delighted.
"
218481,"There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that's full of guys who think they're Jesus It's a Messiah Complex
"
46129,"A man walks into a therapist's with just clingfilm around his waist therapist says, """"I can clearly see you're nuts"""".
"
131779,"What's the difference between a Boy Scout and a Jew? Boy Scouts come home from camp.
"
135613,"9/11 was an inside job """"But the planes were outside!""""
"
32317,"Twitter : bc in real life Smart, funny, beautiful women are not following us anywhere.
"
171351,"How many Dragon Ball Z episodes does it take to change a lightbulb? ***Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z***
"
78965,"I used to be a necrophiliac... til the rotten cunt split on me
"
102846,"Where do you shop for a pregnant cow? The Mooternity Section.
"
74770,"The only meal my girlfriend ever makes for me is alphabet soup because even when we aren't fighting she still loves to put words in my mouth
"
80557,"I was just eating cashews and one of them fell into my bra. Is it still a cashew or is it a chestnut now?
"
42018,"LPT: Don't spend you time posting LPT on reddit. No one on reddit has a life.
"
220912,"There are 10 types of people in this world: Those who can count in binary, those who can't and those who weren't expecting this joke to be in base three.
"
221967,"If a blonde and a brunette were tossed off a building together, who would hit the ground first? The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
"
76858,"After the poor quality of the front page lately This new algorithm better be so good I can read about news before it happens
"
33668,"What do you call a fish out of water? Dry! As told by my 3 year old son.
"
130054,"My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I'm currently experiencing.
"
159387,"Have you heard about the new Italian radial tires? When they go flat they go """"wop wop wop!""""
"
48419,"Why did Hitler kill himself? The Jews sent him a gas bill.
"
149085,"I stayed up all night long to see where the sun went... ...then it dawned on me.
"
195527,"Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
"
10704,"Why don't Game of Thrones characters tweet with Twitter? They were ravin' with Raven.
"
189915,"My GF likes it in the butt. She's an anal moll.
"
150209,"Life is like chess... We can't all be white.
"
21159,"I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German.
"
228822,"Don't be ashamed of who you are. That's your parents' job.
"
149292,"Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling """"The laptop's not a touch screen,"""" at my kids.
"
117389,"Why didn't the Pharaoh believe he was drowning? Because he was in deNile
"
2824,"Non alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister Tastes the same as others, but it just isn't right...
"
118108,"Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
"
90446,"Yo mama jokes Here you can tell yo mama jokes
"
95339,"I've done a few things I've been ashamed of, but at least I never played FarmVille.
"
203738,"What do women call men under 6 inches? Friends.
"
229957,"I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.... Instead of commenting on reddit about how many times a joke has been posted.
"
191355,"This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd """"Shona baby""""
"
205273,"What happened when Curiosity took Accusation out on a date? She aroused suspicion.
"
182928,"Doctor: I'm going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal. Me: Well now you've made THAT nearly impossible.
"
95465,"[Nsfw] What's the difference between a dead baby and a cantaloupe? I don't fuck a cantaloupe before I eat it.
"
53871,"I'm really sick of my job. It's always """"copy this"""", """"print that"""", """"you left your bra in the break room again.""""
"
130984,"Why do rappers make bad carpenters? Because they measure 5.5 to 6 inches as 8 to 13 inches.
"
160860,"You know what happened when your mom went swimming? The Titanic sank
"
136589,"Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
"
195523,"What's green and then red? A frog in a blender.
"
34045,"So my new gardener asked me, for the fourth damn time, which plants needed care. I quickly spun, pointed angrily at the daisies and shouted... """"WATER THOOOOOSE!""""
"
33190,"What do you say when your girlfriend accuses you of being an ass man? I'm anything but.
"
139417,"So two men walked into a bar... The third one ducked.
"
156624,"Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.
"
65332,"How many Missouri Police officers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just shoot the room for being black.
"
171577,"I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, """"you have a problem"""" so I replied, """"no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.""""
"
224669,"My paper towels went missing so I hired a Bounty hunter.
"
15364,"Last Night my Fiance asked me to tell her something sweet Me """" Hey I'm never gonna give you up... never gonna let you down..."""" Her """"That's it the engagement is off. Goodnight.""""
"
45921,"Caitlin Jenner and the Carolina Panthers have some things in common... There balls drop when they get hit by sacks.
"
164533,"Wait, you're citing me for reckless driving? I can count three from here!
"
154866,"The Ghostbusters are women?! This totally compromises the integrity of a story about battling evil marshmallows while dressed like a janitor
"
161010,"Why was the pianist arrested? He was caught playing in A minor.
"
161976,"Don't dress like a hoe and expect a guy to approach you like a princess.
"
23029,"Bananas will never talk shit about you. Not because they don't have mouths....but because they respect the choices you make.
"
52118,"What do you call a gay Dinosaur? Megasaurass
"
23161,"If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch '50 Shades Of Grey' or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
"
70864,"My neighbors listen to good music. Whether they want to or not!
"
32625,"Does anybody have any really old jokes that are actually funny? I'm talking antiques, 100 years +.
"
195939,"What do you call a blind german? A Not - see (Nazi)
"
60647,"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous I see a lot of new faces here and I'm very disappointed.
"
50203,"Clinton to Trump: Release your tax returns! I have never seen them. Trump: ...but I emailed them to you. Of course you've never seen them.
"
99557,"Men say they love Asian women but every time I fry up a new boyfriend's cat or dog it's like all the appreciation goes out the window.
"
154652,"You called me """"muffin""""....did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
"
131099,"What does Popeye's dick smell like? Olive Oil
"
40915,"Did you hear Charlie Sheen has HIV? He thinks he got it after sleeping with two and a half men.
"
103853,"Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed: 1. To surprise them with it. 2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
"
19253,"If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say """"congratulations on your first book!""""
"
208423,"A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
"
154414,"When Luke(Skywalker) fell in love with (Princess) Leia, you could say... he was looking for love in Alderaan places!
"
193221,"There's a new movement against cutting in line. Now that's a movement I can get behind!
"
74416,"Have you heard about the Italian chef? He pasta way
"
101109,"Girl, You're like the devil. Hot as hell and horny.
"
34685,"Q: What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry? A: If you hadn't been so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!
"
111086,"When confronted, people in wheelchairs never seem to stand up for themselves.
"
130200,"What is the most complicated """"Your Momma"""" joke you know?
"
98580,"What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek? If we stick together we can stop this crap!
"
231423,"*Gets 500 word angry text from ex *responds, you mad bro?
"
138844,"Bill Clinton is so exited about the possibility of being in the White house again, He too has started wearing a hat on the campaign trail. It says : Make America fellate again.
"
90773,"""""Once you go on the grass it is really hard to get out of it"""". - my six year old nephew while playing NFS. I was like i know exactly what you are talking about!! ;)
"
116720,"An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman decided to have a BBQ. The Englishmen brought some meat, the Irishman brought some whiskey and the Scotsman brought some dude from Aberdeen.
"
160836,"I bet you 80908429702979720947290472390749270 ... That you didn't read that number :)
"
54956,"I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom... ...until they are flashing behind you.
"
195411,"Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I'm crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I'm listening to the Lion King soundtrack
"
77524,"If Trump gets elected... ...it will be the first time in History that a billionaire moves into public housing vacated by a black family.
"
169548,"What's the worst part about having Alzheimer's? To get to the other side
"
59716,"What did the wall say the the other wall Meet you at the corner
"
32574,"Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a 'veteran' and a 28 year old player 'old' has done zilch for my self esteem today
"
153383,"The worst feeling in the world is being in love with somebody that knows how to untie rope and run away while you're napping.
"
14737,"ME: *sees a puppy* BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
"
144209,"I phoned up the fishing helpline today. I said, """"I'm crap at fishing and need some tips"""". The man said, """"Okay, can you hold the line?"""" I said, """"No"""".
"
140361,"I wouldn't step onto a plane with thrust issues.
"
110655,"What's the difference between a wealthy man wearing a tux and riding a bike and a hobo in torn jeans and shirt riding a unicycle? Attire.
"
211970,"Your mother has terrible taste in children.
"
48215,"Why did the farmer sit on a cock ? Because he was gay.
"
72444,"The NSA hired Sarah Palin so she could keep an eye on Edward Snowden
"
17114,"What did Helen Keller say when she picked up a cheese grater? That was the most violent book I've ever read..........
"
222106,"What do you get if you push a piano down a mine? A flat miner
"
182100,"What do you call a documentary on Nuns? Virgin Media.
"
145600,"If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now """"Everyone in Moscow commits suicide""""
"
211240,"Why did Ahmed Mohamed put his clock in a pencil case? because pipe clock would have just been stupid.
"
67580,"What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon? Tennish.
"
227,"Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm """"the one,"""" but isn't talking to a police officer.
"
66673,"I hate it when people stare at me and don't say anything I mean if you want an autograph or a picture just ask.
"
103728,"In middle school, I had a crush on a kid named BJ. When you write Heather loves BJ on your notebooks, you make a lot of friends.
"
167933,"*Cookie Monster finishes cookie, looks into camera* ME WANT TO TALK ABOUT ISRAEL
"
81719,"There once was a fellow McSweeny... Who spilled some gin on his weenie. Just to be couth, He added vermouth, Then slipped his girlfriend a martini!
"
151666,"It's funny how red, white and blue represents freedom until its flashing behind you to pull over
"
6316,"4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer? Me: No. 4: Can I check? Me: Do you have a warrant?
"
56888,"Oh that's neat so you're a Cancer? Wait...astrologically or to society?
"
20467,"A Doctor gives his patient the bad news that he only has a week to live... Patient - """"No, I don't accept that! I'd like an alternative fact please"""" Doctor - """"Money-wise, you are now set for life""""
"
220186,"I'm a journalist. My paper asked if I would write an article about bukkake I said """"I've got it covered""""...
"
133550,"My wife told me to stop making holocaust puns today Im telling Jew i did Nazi that coming
"
185247,"Angel: """"I think we can all agree that 6 is enough."""" God (clearly upset about something else): """"NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.""""
"
217642,"I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.
"
44423,"What did Dr Frankenstein get when he put his  goldfish's brain in the body of his dog? I don't know but it is great at chasing submarines.
"
183311,"Twilight and Hostess are over. It's a sad day for fat girls.
"
55796,"it's gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
"
3563,"GUIDE TO BEING BATMAN: 1. Lose parents, inherit everything 2. Let people get murdered 3. Never murder the Joker cause he's the best at puns
"
154368,"Female Viagra has been around for years... It's called money.
"
174533,"F.Y.I. ~~ hand jobs from girls who speak sign language....do in fact, count as blow jobs
"
94645,"To be clear...putting your entire fist in your mouth should be a party trick saved for after Uncle Barry leaves
"
171558,"My daydream solution to organizing my house is always arson.
"
39843,"I just finished arguing with a friend who thought that Charlize's role as Aeon Flux was much better than her role as Imperator Furiosa. I guess to each Theron.
"
109722,"What's the difference between water and gasoline? In Flint Michigan you can get gasoline that is unleaded.
"
133597,"Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn't have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
"
144551,"Get your employees to work harder by """"accidentally"""" leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
"
133165,"Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was """"LOL"""" and I was holding my statement upside down.
"
154958,"Watching the Olympics. Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL! Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
"
178661,"I can't wait to get home and rip my wife's knickers off... They're bloody killing me!
"
129182,"A Trump supporter and a squirrel humping an acorn... are both fucking nuts.
"
69154,"At first, I never understood why my parents had a bitter relationship Until I realized my birthday was 9 months after my dad's...
"
112673,"Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their but with an IPad.
"
110767,"""""Where's my money?"""" - a loan shark """"Where are my friends? - alone shark
"
223830,"What are the two fastest things in the world? The second fastest is your asshole snapping shut. The first fastest is that little drop of water...
"
200059,"What's Irish and sits on your lawn? paddy o' furniture
"
183246,"The boy was having trouble learning about computer memory. He kept forgetting everything.
"
132874,"What pier is disliked by almost everybody? Piers Morgan.
"
129506,"I had 4 cars been their horns at me this morning... It made it really hard to watch Netflix on my drive to work!
"
58464,"What did the fish scream when its tank cracked? """"Dam-it!""""
"
149606,"Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you? 4-year-old: I won.
"
11339,"How many Amish guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One... I mean, they aren't fucking retarded.
"
187312,"Got a cease and desist letter that says I can't wear my hard hat around town until I learn how to wolf whistle.
"
48476,"Communist jokes are not funny... unless everyone gets them
"
106910,"Him: What traumatic event lead to you not believing in god? Me: oh, um, science.
"
42373,"Just talking to my neighbor, I said """"your"""" instead of """"you're"""" AND HE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE!!! Hahaha what an idiot!!!
"
17074,"What do you call a barnyard uprising? A chicken coup! ;)
"
52426,"What's so good about being a CPU? Every time you are turned on, you're getting blown.
"
174515,"What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car? Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen
"
37438,"I heard they were going to put Frederick Douglass on the Fifty. But they were worried it would only be worth $30.
"
182602,"I'm the king of letting my phone ring for a while before I pick it up so it seems like I'm busy
"
96836,"Teachers in school told me I wouldn't amount to anything, now i'm laughing all the way to the bank... To dispute my most recent overdraft fee
"
143139,"What goes """"Clop clop clop, bang bang bang, clop clop clop""""? An Amish drive-by shooting.
"
13827,"I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone. I was in stitches for two weeks.
"
115134,"How does Optimus Prime stay young looking? Autobotulism
"
60015,"Hate being a funeral director """"why'd u take the job?"""" I inherited it from my dad """"You could've just declined it"""" And lose my first customer?
"
112252,"What's a baby hen called? Chic hen
"
157568,"Elephant and a naked man An elephant walks up to a man who was not wearing clothes and asked, """"How do you breathe out of that thing??""""
"
104222,"My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
"
21206,"How do skeletons kiss Skeletons don't have lips, they just bone.
"
135106,"I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
"
24297,"Marvel at this joke. What do you call an Asgardian instrument specialist with an attitude problem? A Thor Luthier.
"
95629,"""""Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in* """"THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!"""" [voice from the back] """"Nobody was going to.""""
"
86630,"*CAN'T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR* SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty...
"
19011,"Has anything happened since 2008? I've been looking down at my phone.
"
220794,"Nurse: You need to eat or you can't have your pain meds. Me: Do the thing. Nurse: Me: Nurse: *holding fork* [sigh]*makes airplane noise*
"
116235,"What do young ghosts write their homework in?  Exorcise books.
"
18882,"You're like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
"
76527,"An e-mail confirming you've unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you're not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
"
23125,"Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning. Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
"
150508,"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? -Walking. -JK, Rowling
"
101811,"What did the prostitute say to the leper? Thanks for the tip.
"
123674,"What's the best time to go to the dentist? At toothhurty.
"
196520,"You shouldn't buy so much Velcro... It usually a ripoff
"
134011,"I bet Oscar Pistorius has a rough time in prison. He can't even stand up for himself.
"
220095,"Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards... ...creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
"
84659,"My father has a big wallet and drives a huge car! He's a busdriver.
"
128209,"Two sausages in a pan; one says to the other """"It's hot in here isn't it?"""" ...the other one turns round and says """"FUCK ME! A talking sausage!""""
"
32088,"I'm crap at telling jokes. I keep on punching up the fuck lines.
"
221472,"What do you call the german version of Harry Potter? Heinrich Potter, and the chamber of gas.
"
102664,"I used to be terrified of my dentist. He wasn't rough with my teeth or anything, he was just a paedophile.
"
223414,"Slightly funny gay joke What doesn't work? A gay dude allergic to nuts
"
188893,"What do you get if you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
"
95379,"where does noah keep his bees? in the ark hives.
"
36145,"Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
"
179899,"There's no problem you can't solve with a great night of dancing. Except for a broken foot. Then you should see a doctor.
"
23289,"Why do Stormtroopers never laugh? Because they always miss the joke
"
77122,"How much does a pirate pay for corn? A Buck-An-Ear
"
82614,"Victims of successfull murder attempts: whats your story? Serious replies only.
"
202545,"When a Vietnamese person has the same first and last name... It's a Nguyen Nguyen situation.
"
98348,"What's the difference between 'Oh' and 'Oooh'? About three inches
"
43986,"I'm bad at math, So the equation 2n +2n is 4n to me.
"
81345,"Why couldn't the infant insect without toes drink milk? He was lack toes and toddler ant
"
158468,"The winners write the history books... I guess the prize for winning is a boring-ass job?
"
43860,"They say tragedy plus time equals comedy... but I just don't think my wife Debra farting herself to death in 2011 will ever be funny to me
"
98372,"Jews and pizzas What is the difference between a Jew and pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
"
67807,"north carolina to sue over bathroom bill hillary: stop calling him that
"
199807,"Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
"
217219,"""""Welcome... To Jurassic Park."""" """"But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period--"""" """"WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS""""
"
102511,"What did the dragon say as he entered the party? Hey, how are you *Alduin*?
"
58908,"What religion do mosquitoes follow? Muslim, because they go to a mosque...ito. ^Sorry.
"
2467,"Twitter is the only place where you're thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.
"
144811,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Claude ! Claude who ? Claudework Orange !
"
104736,"Women are like concrete.. You've gotta keep 'em wet and moving 'til you're done laying it.
"
224806,"Have you seen the photo of me and REM? That's me in the corner.
"
207301,"What's J.D. Salingers favorite thing to have in a sandwich? RYEbread....
"
202037,"What's the scariest thing to wake up to in the morning? Another day.
"
50255,"The prequel to 16 & Pregnant could be called """"15 & Fully Trusted By Her Parents to Make Good Decisions. We Love You Brittani!""""
"
47926,"Dark humor is like a child with cancer. It never gets old.
"
31912,"How can you tell if a clock is hungry? It goes back for seconds
"
143171,"How to discipline your rock *you hit rock bottom*
"
74576,"Confucius say....... ........woman who fly in plane upside down, crack up.
"
23521,"A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
"
74717,"What's the difference between a dog and a fox? About six beers.
"
37319,"What does dog poo and women have in common ? The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
"
34087,"Monday: forearms Wednesday: forearms Friday: forearms Sunday: forearms --Popeye's gym schedule
"
102191,"The plus sign could not stop taking cocaine. I guess you could say he was add-icted
"
32597,"What's an oldie, but a goodie? A MILF's vagina.
"
71205,"My uncle died after falling out of a helicopter.. ..so at his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a parachute. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
"
118122,"Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything... Because you're at an all-time low. (Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)
"
62508,"What did the bacon say to the sandwich? This club can't even handle me right now
"
108141,"I clocked this beautiful woman earlier. I'll probably never see her againit was a pretty big clock.
"
187427,"May 4th is Star Wars day May the 4th be with you!
"
157504,"I'm more optimistic than most. Some say the glass is half empty, some would say it's half full. I'd say """"Hey, That's a nice glass!""""
"
97703,"Why did the farmer put brandy in the cow's food? He wanted to raised stewed beef!
"
206147,"what do you get when you call a subreddit """"jokes"""" and have more than 21 000 readers? an average of 22 jokes a day. this is a fucking joke
"
59681,"My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.
"
181300,"I said to my girlfriend that she would look sexier with her hairback Apparently thats an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient
"
149664,"This national park is nice but the cell service sucks. I can only enjoy natural beauty if I can tweet ironically about it.
"
80827,"If someone writes """"you are"""" I immediately assume that they don't understand the difference between you're/your and are playing it safe.
"
13263,"Why was the centipede late ? Because he was playing """"This little Piggy"""" with his baby brother !
"
74860,"These Alt-Right people should Ctrl+Alt-Right+Delete themselves from American society, Am I right?!
"
92611,"(Thought of this tonight) I saw my cat go under the porch. I thought it might give birth. Then it became a parent.
"
31486,"You know what's the common thing between iPhone 7 and the board on Titanic? There is no room for Jack
"
2491,"Women aren't that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
"
124921,"A buddy had a lawn mower accident and died after getting the ends of his feet cut off. Doctors diagnosed him as lack-toes intolerant
"
91741,"How do you feed a skyscraper? """"Here comes the aeroplane!""""
"
72052,"Drunkenly changed my voicemail to """"if you like cheese, press 2. Para Spanish, press cheese. To hear more cheeses, say goooo-DA""""
"
82189,"dark humor What are your favorite dark humor jokes
"
133931,"[Leaving ballgame] Officer: have you been drinking? Me: Yes, but I assure you officer I can't afford to get drunk there.
"
139000,"Spoiler alert: 2013 sucks too.
"
101390,"Necessity is the mother of Cessity. Also Shaquanda.
"
225425,"I've invented a golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4 inches. They work brilliantly, just don't carry them in your back pocket.
"
192411,"Why do kids hate Steven Hawking? They don't like their vegetables.
"
101333,"Cosby/Fogle for President! Americans can forget the last 8 years happened and feel like kids again.
"
104242,"What do you call a bunny with a bent dick? Fucks Funny
"
78897,"Here's the thing about the paleo diet. If cavemen could have eaten donuts they would have.
"
138623,"I could never be gay I just can't have sex with someone I respect
"
43971,"When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
"
199970,"My friend asked me if her breath smelled like tacos. I said, """"I don't know, do you put shit in your tacos?""""
"
217638,"A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but ... I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
"
222653,"A cow moves in next door to a horse... ...the horse says, """"Welcome to the neighhhhhhhhhhhhborhood!""""
"
134497,"Boobs= not much ass, Ass= no boobs, Ass and Boobs= ugly face, Ass, boobs and nice face= Slut. You can never win
"
40841,"My teacher was gone today on strike... How rude, she has no class!
"
25259,"There are 2 things that I absolutely hate: The first is racism And the second is sitting next to a black in the bus.
"
31093,"Being an ugly girl is like being a man......you have to work
"
176773,"My gay friend rolled a joint for me. Fruit roll-up.
"
194135,"If Trump gets elected this November I'm going to jack off Because I might as well cum if I'm getting fucked.
"
197833,"So a man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap The psychiatrist looks up at him and says """" I can clearly see your nuts""""
"
4642,"Today's Relationships: You can touch each other, . . but . . . . not each others phones..!
"
132634,"Only one Chinese man lived in my hometown, and I still couldn't tell him apart.
"
92999,"A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage """"No, I'm travelling light""""      \[]/
"
6938,"90% of my friends have hemorrhoids. The other 10% are perfect ass holes.
"
205655,"What does the most interesting man in the world eat for breakfast? Dos Eggies
"
134165,"Q: What's an archeologist? A: Someone whose career is in ruins.
"
12620,"''Daddy, i'm gonna shoot Bacon out of the sky'' ''Yeah, when pigs fly''
"
15049,"My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
"
11722,"Somehow,, We've got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
"
211477,"How do you spell elephant ? E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t """"That's not how the dictionary spells it"""" """"You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it !""""
"
24139,"Don't you hate it when... ....You're giving a handjob to another guy and he turns out to be a gay ass fagot.
"
191842,"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass! HAHAHAHA!
"
194253,"How can you tell if someone uses Apple products? Just wait and they'll tell you.
"
124021,"You'd think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrong side-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
"
7027,"For sale: Standards. Mint condition. Barely used.
"
171061,"""""Chill out."""" - Spanish receptionist saying Jill isn't in.
"
24496,"I'd have sex with you but I'm married... and she's staring at us right now... quick she looked away!
"
203826,"What did the dentist witness after he gassed the rabbi? **jews laughter** The punchline is more of a visual joke, based upon where the reader places the """"s."""" To my knowledge, this is an original joke.
"
204551,"TIL that skydiving... ...without a parachute, is a once in a lifetime experience.
"
2417,"Me: What's with the look? Hub: How would you like a full-service massage? Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I'm gone?
"
2760,"So a duck walks into a bar... He waddles over to a seat and settles in. The bartender says """"Hey there, what can I get for you?"""" And the duck says """"I... I don't know. I've never made it this far.""""
"
154916,"If the hamburgler was black he'd be dead because mayor mccheese was basically rudy Giuliani
"
129126,"I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, """"My money's on the one with the knife."""" You should have seen how fast they both ran off.
"
192170,"I dropped my cat in the bathtub once... It was the only time i got a pussy wet.
"
47598,"I just slapped my phone out of my mom's hand like it was a live grenade because she started scrolling thru my photos.
"
153639,"What is the cat's favourite TV show ? The evening mews !
"
45332,"Didja hear about the new LGBT hockey team gonna play in Boston? (Wait for it ... wait for it ...) Yeah - the Boston Bruouts ...
"
96985,"If I don't make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die. - the lady in front of me
"
26601,"'50 Shades of Grey' taught me how to please a woman. It's by writing a shitty book.
"
58715,"A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime... Because they de-liver for free.
"
7555,"Why do java coders wear glasses? Because they don't C#
"
125885,"Some people don't like awkward silences but I do because that's when I think about Thundercats.
"
194214,"I want to start a business selling bait for fishing I plan to call it, """"Master Baiters &amp; Tackle""""
"
198414,"What happend when the bike ran over a nail? It popped a wheelie.
"
97826,"[My Joke] Why do galaxies put on boring shows while separated? Because their performance is lack-cluster.
"
127248,"Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I'm an alcoholic. Operator: Ma'am, this is AAA. Me: I know. I'm an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
"
112879,"A poem by Stevie Wonder Roses are black Violets are black Everything is black I can't see.
"
162767,"What does a West Virginia couple do on Halloween? They pump kin.
"
175191,"Did you know, if you cut off your left arm, your right arm would be left.
"
27907,"I find it kinda funny that people still reuse memes from 10 years ago and i find it kinda sad that these things these people talk of are the best they ever have.
"
110203,"I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it
"
108813,"What's the difference between the space shuttle and a 2.5 kiloton bomb? The crew.
"
189610,"What do you call a news anchor with diarrhea? Anderson Pooper
"
42370,"How did Jesus pay for our sins? Pray-Pal
"
51898,"How can people get engaged after dating less than a year? You haven't seen their fall wardrobe yet and tbh it could be a deal breaker
"
158587,"How many germans does it take to change a lightbulp? One. We are efficient and don't have any humor.
"
118815,"Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge
"
62084,"What did the Dalai Llama play on stage at Glastonbury? Yakmanninov
"
114812,"What do you call a fat Japanese bloke... Jackie Chin
"
186441,"When chuck norris asks for change for a penny, he always gets it.
"
61991,"What do you call an Asian woman with a leg shorter than the other? Irene
"
81725,"A woman came in for a job interview wearing an abacus on her head. I hired her right on the spot. It's so hard to find employees who you can count on.
"
14428,"The Patriots were impressive last night You don't win a game like that with Luck alone
"
119068,"The governers mansion in Alabama caught on fire today It burned down yhe whole trailer park.
"
60501,"The student and the teacher. JACK: """"Would you punish me for something I didn't do?"""" TEACHER:"""" Of course not. """" JACK: """"Good, because I haven't done my homework ....""""
"
47567,"Why was the Spanish train the primary suspect? It had locomotive. (I'm not sorry)
"
7977,"What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!
"
113387,"Me: Babe will you love me when I'm old & fat. Wife: I sure do.
"
40119,"""""If you can't handle me at my diddliest, you don't deserve me at my doodliest."""" -Ned Flanders
"
131395,"In dog beers, I've only had one ...
"
70117,"I hope death is a woman. That way, it will never come for me.
"
15311,"Why did Helen Keller try lsd? Because she was told it makes you see things!
"
59709,"""""I'm proud of all the Twitter followers you've accumulated."""" - none of our parents
"
68373,"You know how when you're in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That's Me. I love you.
"
75252,"Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough. Model: Are you a starving artist? Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
"
72915,"What do you call a boxing on a slackline? Punchline.
"
108468,"What's the fastest animal in the world? A chicken crossing Ethiopia. What's the second fastest animal? ... The ethiopian chasing it.
"
180786,"I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
"
163442,"Do you know why Caesar put lettuce in his salad? Oh, just cos.
"
122196,"What do you say to a naked pig? """"I never sausage a body.""""
"
203588,"What came first the chicken or the egg? actually i came first... inside the chicken.
"
5507,"Girls are like math problems... If they are under 18, it's best you do them in your head.
"
30867,"I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places. It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours
"
163224,"G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma) PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward) PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward) R: NO grandmas
"
200466,"I'm like a Ferrero Rocher in that I'm quite nutty and go down nicely with wine. I also come in family size.
"
56819,"Mom: Wear your jeans! There are too many mosquitoes outside. Feminist daughter: Don't teach me what not to wear. Teach the mosquitoes how not to bite.
"
23450,"I ll see myself out.. Did you know? You can buy a 2 pack of Eminem s for Fifty cent..... It s Ludacris
"
83254,"Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister? 3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
"
183178,"With Trump and Hillary as your options North America, You really should have voted for Deez Nuts
"
6146,"What kind of bees make milk? Boo-bees
"
172695,"optimists don't jack off... ...they jack on
"
124486,"Shave legs ?? Bikini wax ?? Lose 10 lbs ?? Pluck eyebrows ?? Mani/pedi ?? Sexy panties ?? Ready for my big *date! *gynecologist
"
90109,"Odo walks down the alley and turns into a bar.
"
141958,"""""I'd like you to meet my half sister."""" """"Different fathers?"""" """"Shark attack.""""
"
64110,"What is the difference between Harry potter and jews? Harry potter made it out if the chamber
"
206244,"Had to pick my son up from school today He got caught being wanked off under the desk by someone in his class for the 3rd time this week! I said """"son, maybe teaching isn't the job for you!""""
"
70378,"If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would've had 10 disciples not 12.
"
5035,"What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I'm already treading on a slippery slope.
"
146031,"Why did moses break his glasses in half? He wanted to part his sees.
"
91969,"There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought, well that's a little condescending.
"
85794,"Never date a girl named Autumn because she'll leave you.
"
180505,"Everyone in my family is quite wealthy and successful... ...but I hate following the crowd, so I decided to become a panhandler instead. I beg to differ.
"
58634,"Once i did the """"is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.."""" line to a muslim girl. Totally blew up in my face
"
203390,"Did you hear about the Italian that wanted to cheat the Broadway award voting? He wanted to rig a Tony.
"
132319,"Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.
"
135441,"does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen
"
119646,"My mate said he met a prostitute who connected a battery charger to his balls. I said, """"Fucking hell, How much did she charge you?""""
"
203298,"i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead
"
109216,"You got me... If I asked you to have sex with me, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this one?
"
66134,"What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift.
"
66743,"They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I love my d*ck! I don't want it to be sliced off by the women I cheated on...
"
17851,"What did one autumn leaf say to another? I'm falling for you.
"
74294,"Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
"
165069,"Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Bernie Sanders are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America
"
119735,"Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends? Because he 's married.
"
223060,"How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for the fresh prints.
"
1408,"After 10 missed calls in a row, I'm tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
"
163637,"ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG'S MOUTH: who's a good boy DOG: your mom ME: please take this seriously
"
150805,"What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have their pricks on the outside
"
81944,"Don't worry about what people think. They don't do it that often.
"
23984,"I slept like a baby last night 2 hours of sleep and a whole lot of crying
"
191998,"Knock Knock* Who's there? Me open up.
"
154277,"British corn maze scientist found out...
"
48714,"TIL: The Flintstones is actually quite controversial in Saudi Arabia, because Dubai really doesn't like it... But Abu Dhabi do!
"
165993,"TIL They Discovered a Gay Dinosaur It was a Megasoreass
"
137301,"A man got back from the doctor """"I just got back from the doctor,and he said I'm Canadian"""" Said the man """"I'm so sorry"""" Replies the man with sympathy Shocked,the man shout """"It's spreading!!!""""
"
43875,"Dear bed, I'm SO sorry I left you. I don't know what I was thinking. Please take me back.
"
228258,"A friend wants me to try speed dating, but I'm not sure that finishing *even faster* is going to help me with the ladies
"
203157,"People that are stoned shouldn't throw glass houses.
"
197417,"What's 12"""" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry? A dead baby.
"
134190,"My penis was in the Guinness book of world records. Then the librarian told me to take it out. hehehehehe
"
193128,"What word is always spelled incorrectly? Incorrectly. I'll see myself out.
"
181238,"Talk to your kids about drugs. Talk to your stepdads about jazz. Like, just generally be polite and ask people about their interests.
"
76721,"What is the equivalent to Area-51 in Canada? Area-51, A
"
122227,"Canadian castles... They really aren't my fort-eh.
"
148844,"When I fight Authority, Authority always makes me submit a lot of paperwork.
"
108083,"Whats the difference between a steak, an egg, and a blow job? You can beat your meat and beat an egg, but you sure cant beat a blow job
"
159098,"My girlfriend told me she almost choked on her birth control this morning. It looks like it almost did it's job.
"
61837,"I stuffed my mom last night. I know you're thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that's gross but jokes on you I'm a taxidermist
"
86379,"My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said """" everyone here is alive because I got laid """".
"
220021,"How do you call it when you get a eMail from a Women? FeMail.
"
153176,"I used to be addicted to soap... I'm clean now.
"
198976,"Did you hear that a survivalist got roasted yesterday about his unemployment? Yeah, a Bear Grilled Bear Gryll's Bare Bills
"
26533,"Boxing and fencing Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
"
195545,"Why does Harlem have so many trees? Public transportation.
"
222504,"Why did Napoleon's soldiers wear red buttons on their blue jackets during the battle of Waterloo? ... so that they could close their jackets.
"
45756,"What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber? Nothing. You can't cross a vector with a scalar.
"
189661,"What's the first thing a woman does after leaving spousal abuse therapy? The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!
"
178507,"I met the donkey from Numbers 22... He was a pretty cool guy... What? Did you expect him to be an ass?
"
194792,"I just read an article that says diarrhea is hereditary. Apparently it runs in your jeans.
"
217728,"Is there some kind of platonic version of Tinder? Asking for a friend.
"
32730,"I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day... ...so I said, """"Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..."""" Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.
"
35344,"Still don't know what I did wrong. My girlfriend was happy when I brought her home a bouquet of flowers. Her mood changed when I told her I found them by a lamp post.
"
159105,"WIFE: """"You look tired honey. How about a  nice steak mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"""" HUSBAND: """"No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat at home.""""
"
63417,"What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl? One shoots and shoots but can't hit, and the other...
"
130564,"A Portuguese, a Greek and a Spaniard go into a bar. Who pays? A German.
"
39443,"How many Brexiters does it take to change a lightbulb? Woah woah woah... I never said there was a lightbulb!
"
183153,"What to hear a joke? A girlfriend.. While the humor is dry, in this joke i fully understand that this is not something many of you will ever get.
"
153976,"Why is Michael Jordan's Jersey number 23? Because then he will always be in prime.
"
124724,"Whats the worst part about a threesome? Watching your parents fuck
"
81765,"If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
"
23344,"I've installed some complaining-powered lightbulbs in my bedroom They occasionally turn off, but never for more than 5 seconds
"
189532,"Really? Wow! (The only two things I ever say to kids)
"
157774,"[police interrogation room] Officer: you've been identified as the runner who.. Me: Let me stop you right there.
"
123059,"Did you guys know that turning up the radio fixes almost all your car problems?! Crazy.
"
55333,"Man goes to the doctor """"Doctor I think my wife is dead."""" """"What do you mean think! Either she's dead or she isn't Well replies the man """"The sex is the same but the washing is piling up in the sink""""
"
91589,"Create a Story Using One Word! Anyone can participate and IT HAS TO MAKE SENSE! Good luck! :)
"
18751,"Dr. Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition... It seems he wildly misunderstood the rules.
"
71918,"I'm a man with a very specific set of skills. Woodworking, mostly. And so help me, God, I'm going to find you and build you a bench.
"
228120,"What Do You Call an Overpriced Circumcision? A rip off.
"
172219,"How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
"
102634,"Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
"
199758,"Never trust someone who says you're more important than cheese. It's an obvious lie.
"
74827,"If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating """"Little did they know..."""" over and over and over.
"
50375,"Sometimes I keep Facebook open in two tabs to remind myself I'm worthless.
"
214983,"What's in a name? Mainly, letters that make sounds.
"
215472,"So I got a little drunk last night. I was out on my porch yelling """"Get off of my lawn!"""" at my wife's yard gnomes.
"
9310,"I like to make my websites with Ajax Because that way my designs always come out very clean.
"
86162,"Did you hear about the guy who robbed blind people? Nobody saw it coming.
"
67232,"Why is an egg like a young horse? Because it can't be used until it's broken!
"
102323,"What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? The picture only takes one nail
"
72285,"I put on my favorite disco album yesterday. My wife tried telling me disco was dead. I said """"No honey, it's not. You're thinking of your mother.
"
168274,"*goes to pond* *duck hands me $100* """"Give me the hard stuff."""" *hands over bag of croutons*
"
26924,"A man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers. succeeds
"
126307,"I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80's.
"
188241,"Just saw John Cena! lol jk
"
116384,"Did you hear about the football team who ate  too much pudding? They got jellygated!
"
122280,"I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed... But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.
"
52181,"What's pink and hard? A pig with a knife.
"
209149,"My girlfriend called me a racist I said that's an awfully big word for a midget.
"
33706,"[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news] """"he looks like you"""" [me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it's not though
"
230964,"My dad got fired from Cal Trans for stealing... We couldn't believe it. But when we got home, we saw all of the signs.
"
171144,"How can you tell if a man is happy? Who Cares?
"
139988,"I could never be on a reality show because I wouldn't want my mom to see the faces I make when I talk to her on the phone.
"
215174,"""""Man I hate tacos!"""" Said no Juan ever.
"
43954,"Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
"
173011,"I went outside once.... The graphics were great! But the storyline sucked!!!!!
"
26073,"I have trained a cup full of meal-worms to give me sexual pleasure... ...I'm a master baiter
"
184887,"What's the best part of split-pea soup? The cut up peaness.
"
73112,"Whats big and white and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A fridge.
"
34326,"no idea! I told my boyfriend that my mom is old so she needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told my mom my boyfriend is retarded. They have no idea!
"
65287,"One time, a woman admitted she was wrong, but the government covered it up.
"
21441,"5 year old: """"That's a big truck!"""" """"It's a moving truck."""" """"ALL TRUCKS MOVE."""" Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
"
147803,"Saw that Poland just won the country's first gold metal.... they were so happy, they had it bronzed!
"
217010,"Where is Wall Street? Between Mexico and the US.
"
5513,"I told this guy I was arguing with if he stepped one more step closer I would hit him in the face, but he kept walking right to me. I guess he didn't understand the punchline.
"
136772,"How many mexicans? how many mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Juan.
"
93599,"I screwed one of my fans. Safe to say it blew me all night.
"
217970,"Arguing with religious people is like trying to explain quantum mechanics to a potato.
"
223034,"COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead PICASSO: I got this
"
85696,"Ever tried 77? You get 8 more.
"
135674,"You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
"
165399,"Why do cowboys prefer wienie dogs? So they can get a long little doggie.
"
143101,"So, two pedophiles are talking... One of them says to the other """"I never really liked racing, I always come in a little behind.""""
"
82273,"I was getting the kids out of the bath last night when a complete stranger burst through the door. I swear I've never moved faster down a drainpipe.
"
78159,"Why didn't the two tampons talk to each other? Because they were stuck up bitches.
"
173814,"A guy goes to get a physical... The doctor says """"Sir, you have to stop masturbating."""" """"Why?"""" """"Because I'm trying to give you a physical.""""
"
103724,"What's the opposite of an antijoke? An unclejoke
"
193113,"My alarm clock isn't in a good mood... It just went off on me
"
185103,"What does my finger and lemon pie have in common? They both have my rang on them.
"
124527,"I like my women like I like my coffee. Cold.
"
54808,"Helium Walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender says sorry we don,t server noble gases here He Doesnt React
"
78060,"""""Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' I asked. """"It's not unusual"""", he replied.
"
106605,"Please ignore this status..... I am standing in public alone and I don't want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting.
"
189558,"What do you do with 365 used condoms? Mould them into a tire, and call it a GoodYear
"
218179,"I used to do the hokey pokey everyday... ... But then I turned myself around.
"
33755,"Two men walk into a bar... ... but a third man ducks.
"
229181,"Criminal: Why don't you hire these twins for  the robbery boss? Criminal Boss: I'm afraid of a double-cross.
"
228921,"You know you're ugly when... someone hands you the camera for a group picture and you still break the lens.
"
215871,"What do you call the bad part of Italy? Spaghetto.
"
205051,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Checkmate ! Checkmate who ? Checkmate bounce if you don't have money in the bank !
"
91522,"So a priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar. The bartender looks up, hesitates, and says, """"What is this, some kind of fucking joke?!""""
"
165762,"Astronomers have used liquid water as an indicator for planet habitability... ...they might also need to add whether the planet has a Trump elected as president
"
202765,"Q: Why do Chinese noodles make the best lovers?? A: Because they are 'Lo Mein-tenance' and they don't won a ton of attention. ...but then again, Italian noodles have great Penne-tration...
"
196553,"How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and the other to hold the penis. LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!
"
169873,"I can't pet a cat without plotting world domination.
"
181624,"I met a dwarf the other day... He was a pretty average guy; a little mean
"
210968,"Hi Reddit, I am on AA Flight 451. We're going down. AMA!
"
228429,"Why does Godzilla go to temple? because he's a kaiju
"
180523,"ESA to release second probe """"SHIO"""" to 67P The """"Philae-Shio"""" team will be sucking in 67P's particles and spitting out information to be sent back to ESA for examination.
"
40943,"Just found out Cuba Gooding Jr is not from Cuba, but from New York. Leave it to a big name celebrity to be a huge liar
"
93303,"I was born half female... You see, my mum was one.
"
23117,"What did the big hairy monster do when he  lost a hand? He went to the second-hand shop.
"
113132,"How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They left the plunger in the toilet.
"
53620,"Sometimes you've got to ask yourself: 'Why am I talking to myself?'
"
161699,"My favorite pick-up line: Hey girl, my name is Tony. You know what that is backwards? Y not.
"
100837,"If i had a dollar for everytime someone called me a racist black people would probably come rob me.
"
189354,"I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.
"
18478,"A dying man looks up into his wife's eyes and says, """"Honey, before I go I have something I need to tell you."""" To which she replies, """"I already know, dear. That's why I poisoned you.""""
"
130968,"What do you get when you cross a sheep with a robot? Steel wool
"
138735,"A hole has been found in the nudist colony wall. The police are looking into it
"
109008,"What have you got if your pet kangaroo gets into molasses and Indian curry? An Indian goo roo
"
136866,"; TL;DR - ,
"
196294,"What do you call a tree that hates this joke? A face palm.
"
150870,"What's the difference between an Engineering student and an Arts student when tying their shoes? The arts student gets a mark for it.
"
43555,"My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.
"
15569,"Did you know the host of the Discovery Channel's show Dirty Jobs has 2 degrees? In Mike Rowe Economics and Mike Rowe Biology.
"
138868,"My grandfather gave me some sound advice when on his deathbed... """"It's worth investing in good speakers."""" he said.
"
122796,"So here is my 1st ever joke on reddit. Sorry not sorry how did i escape from Iraq? Iran!! Syrisly Yeman! The Struggle Isreal.
"
182020,"Why do scientists look for things twice? Because they re-search everything.
"
87709,"Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless those wrongs are 270 degree left-hand turns.
"
210144,"Why do blacks wear white gloves? So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.
"
145160,"I swear to God guys.. OP is not a faggot
"
170159,"If you start a conversation with """"you're gonna say I'm crazy"""" there's nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
"
22410,"OVERHEARD - Woman 1: """"We went downtown to visit 9/11..."""" Woman 2: """"You mean the World Trade Center?"""" Woman 1: """"No that's not there anymore.""""
"
19897,"What did the cannibal do After he dumped his girlfriend Wipe his arse
"
16582,"I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date. Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
"
60624,"Men don't ask for driving directions because we just don't want to arrive wherever you're making us go.
"
191131,"What's green and smells like pork? Kermit's finger
"
42673,"A bunch of black dudes were standing in front of my gardening equipment. Bros before hoes.
"
229093,"I met a Russian homosexual today His name was sir gay
"
230616,"What do you call a cappuccino from Dunkin Donuts? A crappucino.
"
93341,"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out an important part of human anatomy that is more useful when it is erect. Er... SPINE?
"
37072,"Pilots will get this. RETARD! RETARD!
"
73440,"What's the difference between acne and a priest? Acne doesn't come on a boy's face until he's 13.
"
84591,"You want the good Dorne plotline... ...but you get da bad pussay
"
29715,"Me: who's a good dog? who's a good dog? Dog: i have a boyfriend
"
118926,"Is it true what every girls wants is 9 inches? Cos I'm not chopping 3 inches off for anybody!
"
211702,"- Are you upset? Typing... Typing... Typing... Typing... - No.
"
202707,"How can you tell if a girl is too young for you? You need to make the airplane sound to put your cock in her mouth. (From one of my favorite stand-ups, Jimmy Carr!)
"
117322,"I just did my own taxes for the first time and I'm glad I did because I'm getting 8 million dollars back this year!
"
16257,"I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise... ... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
"
222267,"Hey girl, are you a pool? Cause I'd piss in YOUR deep end
"
18779,"An older gentlemen wins a scratch ticket Win for life
"
97834,"The award for best X-Man goes to... Caitlyn Jenner.
"
202655,"Hiding my rewards card in the bushes by my coffee shop so I don't have to keep freakin' remembering to bring it
"
174052,"How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? Pshh....white girls don't know how to screw.
"
2737,"Titanic sank 103 years ago... ...making it the only thing your mom didn't go down on! Hi-YO!
"
80550,"The last four letters of the word """"queue"""" are just there because they saw a queue forming and hoped it was for something good.
"
60749,"What college did the eyeball go to? ICU.
"
160709,"Gold fish don't like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
"
102270,"The difference between a seesaw and a catapult? An overweight friend.
"
77215,"A beggar walks up to a wealthy, upper-class lady and says, """"I haven't eaten in three days."""" She responds, """"You must force yourself! You must force yourself!""""
"
118922,"What did the dwarf say to the prostitute? Hi-ho
"
171519,"Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
"
60865,"Black and Blue Whats black and blue and doesnt like sex? The six year old in my trunk!
"
20453,"What did the tin man say after he was ran over by a steamroller? """"Curses! Foil again!""""
"
14176,"Want to hear a joke about nitric oxide? sodium hypobromite
"
134972,"What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I've never paid $200 to have a lentil on my face.
"
163165,"When Fnatic plays on fy_snow... OLAFmeister gets an ace
"
116783,"Why did Tony the Tiger go to prison? RRRrrrrrrrrrrrape!
"
171293,"After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts: 1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and 2) I may need new drywall
"
71380,"ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party? FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
"
180030,"Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
"
15407,"What do you call a good looking girl in Wisconsin? A Tourist!
"
65824,"Meanwhile, in Facebook, Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his """"roommate"""" of 20 years.
"
173133,"I feel bad for Kim-Jong Un It's hard being the fat kid in high school, so it must be really difficult being the only fat kid in the country.
"
148136,"*wear sunscreen* *go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose* *now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
"
229168,"What do history teachers make when they want  to get together ? Dates !
"
6654,"Our 2-year-old is entertaining everyone at the restaurant by screeching like a seagull every fifteen seconds.
"
9007,"A man gets into an accident in which both his ring fingers are cut off. Needless to say, his wife was shocked.
"
122919,"You kids today with your on demand music don't know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
"
108953,"Damn, redditors are lazy... They don't even finish their
"
129230,"Knock, knock. Go fuck yourselves. - The straight-laced and frustrated FBI agent, played by Tom Hanks', joke in the movie Catch Me If You Can.
"
50437,"Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
"
91876,"Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.
"
134166,"Is there a button you can push to take back when you're accidentally nice to someone, so they know you still hate them?
"
129386,"My overnight bag is just a backpack full of Sour Patch Kids.
"
148032,"What's the difference between Tim Howard and Jesus? Jesus had 11 guys he could depend on.
"
131051,"ME: where's your brother? OLDEST CHILD: where's another roll of duct tape? ME: *sprints to the basement*
"
27084,"If I got $1 every time a woman said I was't her type, I could lead in the Republican Primary polls.
"
63598,"A blind girl was giving me a handjob last night..... and said """"this is the biggest cock I've ever felt in my hand."""" I said """"Nah you're just pulling my leg.""""
"
21682,"Yo mama's so fat she has titties in the front AND in the back
"
179078,"Picnic Tables What's the difference between a black man and a picnic table? A picnic table can support a family of 4.
"
11199,"I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
"
210882,"What is the black stuff between elephants' toes? Slow natives
"
151877,"Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
"
218535,"Sex is a lot like pizza. How? Let me tell you about the worst pizza I ever had: It was fantastic.
"
186283,"A problem shared is a problem halved Unless that problem is an STD
"
88390,"Does anyone else find it ironic that Stalin was also Russian?
"
27618,"How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
"
222877,"Kevin fills a beaker of water and places it on the machine... """"One liter of water."""" it read. Kevin gasped and sat back in his chair """"This speaks volumes...""""
"
73769,"This just in, Beverly Hills, 90210 Cleveland Browns, 3 &gt;Credit to Colin Mochrie from *Whose Line Is It Anyway?*
"
131145,"I suffer from an unusual obsessive compulsive disorder, CDO I have to write acronyms in alphabetical order
"
50708,"Clones are people two.
"
103171,"What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
"
43950,"What do a good vacuum cleaner and a bad vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.
"
12275,"Gimmie a topic and I'll make a joke. Go.
"
173532,"What's the difference between a redwood and a dead baby? A redwood won't fit in a wood chipper.
"
99994,"Therapist: Problem? Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics. T: Explain? M: I can't tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
"
86093,"The only thing I hate more than taxi drivers who talk on their phone the whole time are the ones who say even a single word to me.
"
31783,"I remember being told that everytime you shave it off, it grows back thicker... Cant wait to see my new cock
"
152034,"Love is like a machine... ...sometimes you just need a good screw to fix it.
"
207298,"THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree
"
153879,"Not entirely sure what a """"propriate"""" is, but apparently I'm in it...
"
72759,"Let's shoot some hoops. I hate those fucking things. Maybe we can play basketball afterwards.
"
12008,"Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
"
96623,"Luke Skywalker uses the Force. The Force uses Chuck Norris.
"
60182,"Bridge is like sex. If you don't have a partner you better have a good hand
"
30354,"*Cop yells at dog* LADY WHAT ARE U DOING *dog continues to give birth* THATS IT UR GETTING A TICKET FOR *looks directly at camera* LITTERING
"
62809,"In first grade when I'd tell my parents what I learned in class and they'd act amazed, I'd think """"Shouldn't you know this shit already?""""
"
119637,"What did the tomato say to the peach? """"Nice pits.""""
"
70413,"[dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
"
207324,"Why was the toilet paper in East Germany so harshly? So every asshole would turn red.
"
49673,"What do you call a church leader of the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion (Pastafarianism)? A pasta (pass-tah)!
"
79346,"what's a pirate's favorite letter? You would think its 'RRRRRRRRRRR', but its actually P because without it they would go irate!
"
103670,"How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama? One Mississippi.
"
143598,"I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
"
40281,"I came home from work early today and caught my daughter masturbating with a cucumber """"That's disgusting"""" I said, """"I'm meant to be eating that tonight, now it's going to taste like salad.""""
"
2676,"Apparently my friends came up with this joke about my penis but nobody will tell me it... They keep telling me it's too long
"
212182,"""""daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa"""" *checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
"
188816,"Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics? Sex you up? Licky boom-boom down? No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
"
72888,"Me: I'll take one insurance Insurance salesman: It doesn't work like that Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
"
2834,"Whenever I stub my toe I automatically blame and hate the next person I see.
"
229406,"A C++ error walks into a bar... A C++ error walks into a bar. The bartender looks up at it and says """"I'm sorry, but we don't serve bugs here"""". The error replies """"But I'm an EXCEPTION!"""" Haaaaaaaaaa!
"
97285,"What do a burnt pizza, frozen beer, and a pregnant girl have in common? Someone didn't pull it out in time.
"
89467,"""""How'd the session go with your new therapist?"""" """"It was a waste of time. He just kept showing me pictures of my parents fighting.""""
"
15928,"Did you hear the iPhone 6S Plus is selling really well? Seems like it's a big 6S
"
51425,"The other day I saw a sheep pole dancing in a kebab shop.
"
52820,"What are Mario's overalls made of? **DENIM DENIM DENIM.**
"
26043,"What do you call a group of elephants? A pack o'derms
"
30824,"What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it
"
50246,"Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
"
225149,"What is a pirate's favorite material? Arrr-gyle.
"
191378,"What does your s*** smell like? Freedom.
"
99206,"Which is the most common font i Mexico? El Vetica.
"
34160,"I hear Tarantino's next movie is about a Sichuan restaurant... It's called """"the heatful eat""""
"
171321,"Tried to prank my Tibetan Buddhist friend. I tried to prank my Buddhist friend from Tibet, I told him the Dalai Lama had died. He was skeptical and said ill bereave it when I see it.
"
47851,"A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: """"Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"""" Mick : """"Ill come back when you're sober Doctor""""
"
87180,"is your name melissa? """"yes"""" are you married? """"to you sadly"""" yes or no please """"yes"""" do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
"
49644,"What kind of bees make milk? boo-bees
"
132167,"Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
"
220902,"New genetics study shows that chronic diarrhea may be hereditary It runs in your jeans.
"
121382,"I don't draw my eyebrows on because I can't commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
"
215424,"A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.
"
177723,"I'm going to a medieval wedding and I need some one liners.
"
163843,"I'd love to see Jason Statham's face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
"
141384,"Jared Fogle's defense in court. He was just trying to get off.
"
89773,"What do you call a sick bird? An illegal.
"
95852,"""""Very colorful, fun. I'd put it in my mouth"""" """"A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I'd put it in my mouth"""" -Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
"
94844,"What is faster hot or cold? Hot because you can actually """"catch a cold"""".
"
130767,"Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Ted Cruz are on a plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America.
"
102138,"Q: Why did the traffic light turn red? A: Because it saw the other one changing!
"
23592,"Knock Knock Who's there ! Basket ! Basket who ? Basket home it's nearly dark!
"
168616,"What's the difference between parsley and pussy? Nobody ever eats parsley.
"
83344,"If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.
"
79418,"What's invisible and smells like carrots? Bunny Farts
"
184604,"Abortions........ Really suck the life outta you
"
230708,"On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said 'when are you due?' This is why we are here...
"
26435,"What do you call a bunch of stereotypical Americans running? Nothing, it never happens.
"
140596,"Condoms prevent minivans.
"
47540,"*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I'm not like other girls.
"
41240,"I would make a 9/11 joke But that would just be plane wrong.
"
110698,"Yay summer! *gets drunk outside* Yay winter! *gets drunk inside*
"
222482,"Why do math textbooks only ever give you one angle in a triangle? Just cos.
"
20155,"Who is this Rorschach guy? ... and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
"
64687,"You brought me roses? I can't eat this. Get out.
"
224037,"If you get cold, just stand in a corner for a little bit. They're usually 90 degrees.
"
97170,"The most well known activist in the bee community is Bill Cause Bee.
"
136976,"A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs. I think he might be a Thyme traveller.
"
125001,"How do you tell the difference between a redditor and a MOBA player? Ask them what OP stands for.
"
205412,"Follow your dreams Except for that one where you're naked at work.
"
22956,"Two clocks are sitting around, when a man walks up the man takes away the clocks little hands and walks away. The clocks then yell at him, saying """"You can't do that, it's hours!""""
"
54108,"My parrot lays square eggs but can only say one word. What's that? Ouch!
"
192975,"I bought a book yesterday: """"101 Uses For Binary"""". However, when I got home I was very disappointed to find it only contained five.
"
186013,"Whats a rednecks favorite thing to do on Halloween? Pump Kin
"
27007,"How many dicks can Kim Jong-Un suck at once? He chooses to keeps that information secret.
"
137988,"What kind of jokes does a priest tell? Dad jokes
"
166503,"Motivating words are harder with autocorrect... - Archive your dreams. - Be excrement to each other. - Nottingham is impossible. - The only thing standing in your way is autocorrect.
"
66136,"What did the cheese vendor say to the robber? """"Hey! That's nacho cheese!""""
"
134970,"People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. """"Guys, I've been gone three years and this is cumin.""""
"
162996,"Open letter to the mods of /r/Jokes [deleted]
"
151987,"If you had a gun and you were being chased by a  bull and a mountain lion which one would you shoot first? The mountain lion. You can always shoot the bull!
"
200769,"That deal's a sore dick.... Ya can't beat it!
"
197970,"A Scotsman and an Irish man walk into a bar And the Scotsman shouts """"All the drinks are on me!"""" The next morning the headlines read *""""Irish Ventriloquist Found Dead Behind Bar""""*
"
47630,"Boy at FBI headquarters saw pictures of 10 most wanted men & said, """"Why didn't you keep them when you took their picture?""""
"
190154,"How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
"
213080,"what is worse than finding a worm in your apple? The holocaust
"
26966,"- Michelle, we must break up... - Oh, I'll kill myself! - That's a nice bonus. Thank you!
"
114940,"My professor asked me to define narcissism I said """"It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am.""""
"
71431,"Two Mafia hitmen are walking through the forest at night when one of them says """"I have to admit, it's pretty scary out here."""" The other replies, """"You think this is bad? I have to walk back alone.""""
"
206353,"Why don't you want to hang out with a dude from Chicago? Because 'Illinois you!
"
94710,"I hate when my bank account is like a musical composition by Bach Baroque.
"
196796,"Amputees will not find this joke funny: Actually, I'm going to cut this joke short.
"
46942,"Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
"
16067,"Never drink water after eating fish !!! Your stomach might become an aquarium. PS not mine read it somewhere
"
72009,"I just got diagnosed with the inability to feel emotions Now I'm sad
"
83875,"I'm starting a fusion restaurant that serves gyros made with haggis I'm calling it """"Organ Doner"""".
"
84920,"I was masturbating, looked up and saw my mom standing there. I was really freaked out. Because she died 6 years ago.
"
14766,"Why would you pay $80 for a bra at Victoria's Secret when I will hold your boobs up all day for half that?!
"
142401,"Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.
"
203465,"I cheated on my girlfriend once We were playing monopoly and while she wasn't looking I took some of her money. Then I went upstairs and fucked her sister.
"
36484,"What's the fastest way to lose a few pounds? Exit the European Union.
"
131807,"I went to a shredded cheese convention the other day... it was grate
"
88682,"Thank you, iPhone predictive text, for sending my mother a message that said """"WOOOOFUCKYEAH!"""" There's no joke here except I'm 30 & grounded.
"
205344,"What was the Russian mohel's name? Borris Kutchyakockoff
"
13547,"I'm too calm to be a Dermatologist. I refuse to make rash decisions.
"
165646,"Tried pushing her against the wall to kiss her like all you guys suggested. Put her head right through the drywall. Goddam cheap motels.
"
172923,"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like you to join my professional network on LinkedIn.
"
109101,"What's a Drill Sergeant's term for an erection? Penis weakness leaving the body.
"
112313,"Need Help with a prank I stole a co-workers pen the other day, (really nice pen) as a joke. I want to send them a ransome letter. Can anyone help me out? Thanks
"
142282,"My 5 year old told me this joke: What do you call a puppy in the desert? *A Hot Dog.* Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?
"
96673,"In response to being asked if I had a good weekend: Days off are like blowjobs -- even the bad ones are good.
"
48925,"I can't believe how many people don't know the opposites of these words - always - coming - from - take - me - down
"
119523,"What do you call a wandering caveman? A Meanderthal.
"
178257,"What do you call a woman with no ass? A friend
"
201447,"Love is... when you washed your cat and it still comes to you after.
"
165057,"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *chokes*
"
59088,"Q: What does an attorney wear to work? A: A law suit.
"
211080,"i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90's so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
"
189809,"I have this thing where I like to take a crap with the door open. Unfortunately, not everyone at Starbucks feels the same way.
"
76650,"What do errant Jewish golfers shout? Three ninety eight!
"
219905,"If it weren't for marriage, women would have to spend most of their adult lives arguing with complete strangers.
"
213830,"Football legend Michael Owen has announced he's releasing a new fragrance It's going to be called """"My Cologne"""".
"
158832,"Accidentally burned a calorie. Have to replace it now.
"
57329,"I wake up every day in a house built by slaves -Melania Trump, 2020
"
7646,"What will happen if you put anal lube where oil should be in your car? I don't really know, but I think it will run pretty shitty
"
181921,"Goodnight computer *instantly grabs phone*
"
109325,"When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him. That's more my speed.
"
230673,"""""Keep away from children to avoid suffocation"""" was the best advice I've ever received. You have to pay for that nowadays
"
51024,"In solidarity with the Transgender community, Hershey's chocolate will be renamed to Heshey's
"
114489,"I used to date a midgit. She really liked it when we would 34.5. In fact, I was nuts over her.
"
223698,"Before the Facebook, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life.
"
209670,"What happens when you combine alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird
"
143037,"A classic joke I heard from my friend about Hillary Clinton's emails [deleted]
"
102432,"When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
"
208582,"you ~~you~~ **your existence** ~~lol jk~~
"
196533,"Do you know any jokes about Sodium Hypobromite? NaBrO
"
175842,"SPOILERS: Finding Dory was just a Movie.... about her for getting home.
"
108245,"What starts with r and ends with d? [removed]
"
114957,"We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I'll go to sleep.
"
216564,"I only wear adult diapers for 2 reasons #1 and #2
"
13921,"The greatest harbor on Earth can shelter not a single ship... It is truly without pier.
"
19299,"I found out that middle age is were you finally get your head together and then your body starts falling apart
"
222372,"I went to the zoo today. All they had was one dog. It was a shit zoo
"
160570,"What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAND-EEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEE
"
28106,"What has more brains than Kurt Cobain? The wall behind him.
"
186614,"One day... I'll look up what procrastination means.
"
84065,"Original &amp; Classic Winston Churchill (not my retort) Lady Astor said to Churchill, """"If you were my husband, I'd poison your tea,"""" to which he responded, """"Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it!""""
"
10338,"Don't embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public. Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
"
187807,"Belgium is a leading producer of beer, chocolate, and weapons. I picture a country full of very well-armed fat people. Another one, I mean.
"
186962,"What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto
"
67806,"Girlfriend Pissing You Off? Text her """"He's busy"""" and turn your phone off.
"
88288,"Rocky Rooster walks into a bar and then the is swastika
"
173782,"I banged my co-worker... Guess my Dad was right, I am a little shit eater.
"
70683,"Who called it a """"backpack"""" and not, """"the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.""""
"
50312,"Did you hear about the mathematician who became a monk? One evening he was solving a trigonometric equation and then he saw a sine.
"
164474,"What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for thousands of years? Church
"
103911,"Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
"
148732,"What's the difference between a prostitute's vagina and r/Jokes? The vagina gets new, *original* content injected into it regularly.
"
205302,"When someone is murdered, the police investigate the spouse first. And that tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
"
61781,"A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet... he got lost at C
"
15749,"My first time having sex was just like my first time riding a bike My dad was holding me from behind.
"
146659,"What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt? """"You going to eat that?""""
"
32472,"Eating pussy is like going on a roadtrip with your wife You don't want to stop and ask for directions and you dont want to admit that a handheld device could do a better job than you
"
105014,"A little girl asked her father, """"do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? The father replied, """"No, some begin with - If I am elected."""";
"
7960,"DOCTOR: You've suffered a brain injury. It's affected your hippocampus ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
"
184010,"So on your resume, under references, you wrote """"it's a trap!"""", """"do him job"""", """"that rug really tied the room together, man"""" and """"The Matrix""""
"
131062,"Another knock knock joke I can tell knock knock jokes to my dog because when I say """"Knock, knock."""" He starts barking and runs to the door... Stupid dog ! There's never anyone !!!
"
137583,"Scary Halloween Joke **Person 1:** Knock knock! **Person 2:** Who's there? **Person 1:** A GHOST!!!
"
41728,"What's the temperature inside a tauntaun? Luke warm.
"
93075,"What do you call Jamal's dad during Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years? Hide n' Seek World Champion 2010-2016
"
89600,"What do you can an agent orange attack on Bangkok? Thai die.
"
194292,"I graduated with a 2:2 in Sports Journalism It would have been a 2:1 but they equalised at the last minute.
"
14627,"Whats the difference between a prostitute and a dead baby? I only have one under my bed
"
142127,"Earlier today I walked by a PERFECTLY S-shaped dog turd & didn't tweet a photo of it so I guess what I'm saying is that I'm growin up, guys
"
66451,"What are the 3 rings involved in marriage? 1) The engagement ring 2) The wedding ring 3) The suffering
"
202228,"How does Harry Potter like his sandwiches to be cut ? Diagon alley
"
155500,"How do you get a hippy chick pregnant? Cum on her birkenstocks and let the flies do the rest
"
151192,"How come the NSA whistleblower can't leave Russia? Because he is snowed in.
"
157430,"What would be Jesus' favorite gun? A Nail Gun.
"
32700,"I love Animals They are deeeeeeelicious.
"
7288,"What do Australians use for sun burns? Aloe, mate. I'm sorry
"
93177,"The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he's probably lying.
"
30743,"A step-by-step guide on how to parallel park! 1) Park somewhere else.
"
219989,"Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years Me: That's a long sentence! Judge: Ok - """"you get 10 years""""
"
230023,"I hear the new Supreme Court ruling over gay marriage has really got a lot of people butt hurt
"
3199,"*Brings pen to sword fight* Guy with sword : What's that? Me : Tis mightier! *Gets beheaded*
"
183384,"The main reason I got married is that I really hate driving..
"
32244,"What did Louis say to Clark? Suck this mcdoubledaw dick nyuggahahahahaha /buh dum tiss
"
222554,"By saying you want a sandwich after sex you're letting me know you suck at sex because you expect me to be able to walk afterwards.
"
98835,"The area of a pie So I asked my maths teacher how to find the area of the pie I had made that day. He said, easy, you use the are formula A=r2. I said, no this is a circular pie.
"
153760,"Necrophilia Beer: """"Sit back and crack open a cold one.""""
"
26474,"""""That's a sexy little outfit you're wearing,"""" I said. """"I bet you want my cock in you."""" """"Dave,"""" my wife said, """"do you know I can hear you on the baby monitor?""""
"
171398,"Who's the fattest knight at the king's table? circumference
"
100136,"What do SQL programmers do at night? Count star.
"
165860,"What do you call a professional tennis player that keeps serving out? Novak Chokeovic
"
19921,"What kind of animal lives in a triangle Hippotenuse
"
154270,"Why did the Spanish train aficionado blow up his trains? He had loco motives.
"
113288,"You say drug dealer. I say astute, urban entrepreneur embracing the booming chemical escapism market.
"
21546,"Classic joke at my Catholic High School I went up to a man and said """"Jesus is the messiah"""" He said """"No way"""" I said """"Yah-weh""""
"
81952,"What's the difference between having sex and killing animals? One is OK to do for fun but not OK to do for profit, the other is vice versa.
"
230220,"Did you hear about the vampire who had an eye for the ladies? He used to keep it in his back pocket.
"
159462,"Yo mumma so fat.. Yo mumma so fat that she needs two wristwatches, one on each hand because she's in two timezones. NOTE: I'm Australian so I spell the word mum with an 'u'
"
161182,"This morning, my son farted in church I made him sit in his own pew.
"
104311,"What is black &amp; blue and definitely not up for sex? The new girl in the women's refuge.
"
147112,"MC stands for both Medical Certificate and Mic Controller and they both give you License to Ill
"
183160,"What's the difference between a baby and a fridge? The fridge doesn't cry when you put your meat in it
"
64279,"When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I'm some sort of bear scientist.
"
115286,"Why is legislation never passed by horses? Large number of neigh votes.
"
175603,"no soap, radio.
"
89190,"Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
"
38177,"How can you tell if someone is a chemistry major? They have a mole on their body.
"
146078,"Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion
"
213046,"4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there's still poo Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
"
23863,"Did you hear they're making an Indiana Jones 5? How can they do that?! They haven't released a fourth!
"
193758,"A Man With No Legs Walks Into A Bar...
"
208255,"I saw a man drinking brake fluid. But then he stopped.
"
150554,"Don't date a left handed girl... righty tighty lefty loosey
"
170077,"What do internet football fans sing? E we go E we go E we go!
"
5948,"The internet is amazing in its ability to speed up communication, for instance it used to take years to realize you hated your friends.
"
16237,"I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me. It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
"
95453,"What do you call two Korean lovers? Seoulmates
"
172600,"What do kids eat for breakfast? Yogoat
"
37345,"Which one of you eggs is my employer?
"
86596,"The neighbors love it when I practice piano. They break my window to hear me better.
"
157583,"""""I'm proud to be an American"""" """"I'm proud to be American!"""" said the American. """"I'm proud to be Canadian!"""" said the Canadian. """"I'm proud to be German!"""" said the Nazi.
"
75005,"How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Just follow the Fresh Prints!
"
135874,"It's common knowledge talking shit will result in dental work.
"
189566,"I had a nightmare where Footloose was rebooted as many times as Spiderman.
"
157661,"What do you call a potato shaped like a penis? A dicktater
"
103199,"Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Because his wife died.
"
79572,"I inherited one of the paintings done by Adolf Hitler today. I don't want to hang it in my house though. I'm afraid it's bad Jew Jew.
"
105184,"Do you even Choo Choo? Because you are a """"Damn Girl"""" Karma train
"
104673,"What is Apple users favorite movie? No Escape
"
212580,"Leave it to the idiot hippys to adopt a """"holiday"""" on Hitler's Birthday. Merica.
"
12679,"What do you call the study of food prices? EcoNOM-NOM-NOMics.
"
115159,"Two ducks walk into a bar. The third duck ducks.
"
7598,"Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I'm crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he's the one that's married.
"
42770,"If you ever doubt the value of writers, just follow your favorite actor on Twitter.
"
166866,"Advent calendars Their days are numbered.
"
127097,"Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself? You would too if you were named Auuurraaagggghhh!
"
121599,"What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
"
145841,"Why shouldn't you put a baby in the microwave? Because you get better results from slowly roasting it in the oven.
"
154086,"INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents? ME: I taught myself how to play piano INTERVIEWER: By ear? ME: No, just with my hands
"
83070,"Personally I feel Romeo and Juliet could have handled the situation better.
"
23519,"[date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
"
214446,"Serbian Math What's the difference between the inverse of sec(o) and the smallest region in the former Ottoman Empire? One is cos(o), the other is Kosovo
"
110979,"What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One is fun to smash with a baseball bat and the other is just.... Well... A watermelon.
"
204997,"I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss's boss.
"
44016,"Wife: """"If I died, would you remarry?"""" Me: """"Yup."""" Wife: """"And you'd even let her use my golf clubs??"""" Me: """"No silly! She's left handed.""""
"
185342,"I broke up with my girlfriend because I'm pretty religious I'm a Presbyterian, and she was Satan
"
159124,"My relationship status is a Taylor Swift song just waiting to happen.
"
80690,"What do 2 Chinese people call their black child Sum ting wong
"
137985,"I have an eidolon memory. It's the same as an eidetic memory, but I'm also dyslexic.
"
141700,"There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
"
207092,"Just tell me which one is wrong! The user ID or the password???
"
143260,"Why do the French like Cheap Trick? Because they always surrender!
"
98332,"Tripped in a curry house... It went from bad to worse when slipped into a korma (coma) I just invented this joke. It might only work with Mancunian accent?
"
93343,"A mathematician walks into a pizza bar and orders one pi He receives two
"
193948,"5 out of six researchers conclude, Russian roulette is complete safe.
"
204171,"ram diljale janakpur
"
126607,"So a grasshopper walks into a bar... The bartender says, """"Hey, did you know I have a drink named after you?"""". The grasshopper says """"You've got a drink named Steve!?""""
"
137669,"""""How's your sexual history?"""" Well doc, if i had to summarize it in one word it would be """"deletable""""
"
25224,"Answering your cell when you don't recognize the number is basically like picking up a hitchhiker. You're probs gonna die.
"
180463,"Why'd the semen cross the road? Because I put on the wrong sock this morning
"
28138,"Nurse: You can come inside now. *Stands up* *Dusts off jacket* *Straightens bow tie* *Fastens cufflinks* *Ahem* """"That's what she said""""
"
12928,"My estranged father bought me a telescope for Christmas We're a lot closer now.
"
176057,"Why do black men smell bad? Because prison showers aren't very good...
"
77003,"What do some people have against cheeseburgers? They say 'Burgers can't be cheesy!'
"
226703,"Little Timmy's house cough on fire Timmy wanted to be the hero and grabbed his squirt gun. Do you know what happened to Timmy? He drowned! Moral of the story: Don't be a hero.
"
87109,"My ex had a really weird fetish... She would dress as herself and act like a fucking bitch all the time.
"
209860,"How do you prevent 9/11? Make it a Malaysian airlines flight.
"
209836,"It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.
"
81123,"If a mentally challenged person shows up late Is it ok to call him tardy?
"
207039,"Why are Pirates pirates??? Because they ARRRRR
"
100166,"Why did the arborist plant new pine trees on their front lawn? To spruce things up a bit.
"
76270,"The songs that make me feel coolest when I'm driving fast are generally the songs that make me feel dumbest at stop lights.
"
144914,"How much for the soulmate? Ma'am, that's a bag of Doritos.
"
124322,"Having a wife and daughters, I try bottles in the shower until I find one that doesn't burn my balls and wash myself all over with that one.
"
94076,"Mom: why are your eyes dilated Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love Mom: what were you looking at Me: memes
"
168382,"[funeral] Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring? *sliding it off his finger* Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe...
"
127986,"Why do skateboarders make lousy plumbers? Because they only use half pipes.
"
125784,"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
"
73882,"What Does A Ghost Cow Say? Moo!
"
133436,"What's the most sensitive part of the body when masturbating? The ears
"
165560,"Just got real sweaty because I started thinking about a babe in an ankle-length all denim overall dress
"
50186,"[starts Power Point presentation titled """"Why I'm Breaking Up With You""""] Him: Wait, what the--? Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
"
60312,"A pizza delivery guy knocks on the door Two men answer the door and invite him inside. They ask him if he wants to have a threesome. He replies, """"just the tip please"""".
"
130498,"Make someone's day better by not showing up for work
"
43254,"What do you call a gust of wind full of sand? A rough draft
"
45089,"Blonde joke... Blonde: What does IDK mean? Brunette: I don't know. Blonde: NOBODY DOES!!!
"
143993,"Mad Cow Disease So two cows are talking in a field, The first cow says """"hey man, you worried about this mad cow disease that is going around?"""" The second cow says """"Naw bro, I'm a helicopter.""""
"
32376,"I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on too high she looked surprised.
"
128649,"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
"
124591,"Should I Get In Trouble For Something I Didn't Do... Student: Should I get in trouble for something I didn't do? Teacher: No of course not! Student: Oh, OK great. I didn't do my homework...
"
149818,"Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
"
210952,"It's no coincidence the people who call the cops when parties get loud are the people who never get invited to parties.
"
41262,"What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA.
"
78948,"What's a mexicans favorite game? Cross country.
"
181458,"Pigeons... I've just seen a flock of pigeons in army unifoms. I think it might be a military coo.
"
173481,"Did you hear about the man who spent his whole life trying to perfect cloning technology? When it finally happened, he was beside himself.
"
29311,"My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her And according to the judge, she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend
"
42532,"This generation will go down as, perhaps, the greatest in history at taking pictures of themselves.
"
81408,"What do you call a civil rights activists who's also a shower sponge? Martin Loofah King
"
129354,"Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed? Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.
"
192293,"Where do you put a hot dog? On a pun.
"
168755,"Your mom is so huge... That she has an entire Pokedex devoted to her storage.
"
103886,"Man sentenced to five years for masturbating with soap in public. Came clean in court.
"
32509,"Oil If: Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is made from olives. Corn oil is made from corn. Then: What is baby oil made from?
"
17060,"Are you in the top half of your class ? No I'm one of the students who make the top half possible !
"
110539,"My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
"
228068,"What's better than roses on my piano? tulips on my organ.
"
181080,"I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology. I don't have a job but at least I know why.
"
85134,"How do Ghosts lay foundations? With a spirit level!
"
134517,"Where are chocolate coins made? At the Chocolate Mint.
"
82366,"What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and donald trump? One of them is a racist carrot
"
5970,"I wonder what made the first person that ate an oyster look at it and think 'Im gonna eat that.'
"
53249,"If there are 5 flies in the kitchen how do you  know which one is the American Football player ? The one in the sugar bowl !
"
121606,"Studies show that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.
"
186486,"Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
"
181198,"""""Boss, I've got a probl-"""" """"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities"""" """"Oh, ok. I've got a serious drinking opportunity""""
"
179851,"It really doesn't matter if the baby's smoking a cigarette or a joint, I think we can all agree that's one fucking cool baby.
"
91345,"What did the drunk say when his boss enquired about his availability? Yeah, I'm av**ale**able.
"
200573,"How many alzheimers patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side!
"
206851,"Why aren't snowmen called snow women? Because they're in the kitchen melting.
"
43376,"Blind Man I just passed a blind man in home depot. He was dressed head to toe in camouflage. I assume he was trying to even the playing field. Well done sir. (True Story)
"
292,"An irishman walks out of a bar...
"
154971,"It took 11 years but hubby can finally read me like a book. A Greek book. Read upside down wearing a blindfold. It's a vast improvement.
"
38697,"What are a gorilla's favorite months? Ape-ril and Bananuary
"
88319,"""""Contact Us"""" Oh yeah, I'm gonna contact the shit out of you
"
192043,"If You're every attacked by a gang of clowns... go for the juggler.
"
174769,"Waiter waiter do you have frog's legs? Certainly Sir! Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
"
98664,"Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
"
46908,"Where does a pirate keep his buccaneer' s? Under his buccan-hat.
"
12095,"ELI5: What is it like to mod r/news? This thread has been locked. You will unable to vote or comment.
"
191444,"What does Santa call his English Elves? Subordinate clauses. ... I'll see myself out.
"
199180,"""""What are the names of the 3 greatest kings who have brought more happiness and peace into people's lives than anything else?"""" Answer: Smo-KING, drin-KING, and fuc-KING !
"
72275,"FIFA is a nonprofit. That's it. That's the joke
"
111108,"GENIE: u get 3 wishes! ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that's gonna cost you an extra wish
"
99098,"I don't know why everyone is making such a big deal about Black Friday... Personally, I think all Fridays should matter.
"
76255,"What do they leave on your pillow at a bordello in Dijon, France? Condom-Mints
"
9236,"What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef Stroking Off!
"
38408,"Carbs are my starch enemy.
"
50355,"Today a girl kissed me I wish I could post it in another subreddit Edit: Thanks for gold :D
"
59649,"What is Trump's favorite movie? """"Octopussy""""
"
5527,"What are the strongest days? Saturday and Sundays. The others are weakdays
"
227738,"A woman runs into a panhandler on the street... Panhandler: """"Would you please spare me some change? I haven't eaten in three days.."""" Woman: """"Well, you've gotta force yourself.""""
"
170278,"Dear Keebler elves, 100 calorie packs of cookies suck. I hope your tree burns down.
"
20504,"If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that's just me flirting
"
23459,"What do you call an alligator in a vest? an investigator. :D
"
94543,"2: Where mommy? Me: Mommy's at a meeting. 2: Mommy is meat? Me: No. Well...yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island. 2: Ok.
"
153212,"How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they'll just beat the room for being black
"
176693,"What did the digital clock say to it's Mother? """"Look Ma, no hands!""""
"
88022,"What do you call an onion with no shoes?
"
65948,"A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, """"What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?""""
"
20431,"What do you call a man in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs? Bob
"
1088,"Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout returns home from the camp.
"
69754,"My friend said his baby is sooo smart but the stupid idiot can't even figure out his way home when I forget him on the bus
"
81204,"Two corn muffins were in the oven baking. One turns to the other and says """"man it's HOT in here"""" the other corn muffin replies... AAAAHAHHHAHAHAHHaaaaa A TALKING CORN MUFFIN!!!!!!!
"
173232,"If I have 10 cookies and someone takes one away - how many cookies do I have? 10 cookies and some bloody knuckles
"
27772,"Have you heard about the movie director from space? Woody Alien
"
118126,"me:(nervously) so I gotta fight one of these things? zookeeper: what? no me: I choose...the polar bear zookeeper: why would you choose that
"
182492,"[China] """"You have to get good grades"""" KID: But it's so hard! """"We're Can-tonese not Cant-tonese"""" KID: You gotta admit that's a bit confusing
"
160668,"Mexican and black jokes are all the same Once you have heard Juan you have heard Jamal.
"
199014,"Did you hear those loud tennis players last night? They were causing quite the racket.
"
43944,"Two midgets got married They found their other half
"
197555,"Cows What do you call a cow on no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow on three legs? Tri-Tip. What do you call a cow on two legs? Your mom.
"
136465,"If there was award for laziness... . I would send someone else to get it.
"
52290,"Top Fears 1.Walking on manholes 2.Driving, hit a deer, windshield breaks, deer caught and frantically bucks me to death 3.Christopher Walken
"
7133,"I hate gingerbread. If I owned a bakery, I wouldn't tolerate gingerbread. I'd be like, """"Get outta here, you redhead. Your money isn't good here.""""
"
103904,"What do you do when you see a spaceman? You park, man!
"
84069,"What is Donald Trump's favorite flavor of ice cream? Definitely not Chocolate
"
3134,"a friend took Exlax and viagra at the same time... .. he didnt know if he was coming or going.
"
21896,"A scientist claims to have 100,000 pieces of evidence that Bigfoot exists. How about one, a f#cking Bigfoot??
"
195813,"First thing you do in the school of rock? Rock enroll.
"
90001,"Recent study has revealed that masturbation might help curing the common cold. Well I hope it is true because I haven't got any more tissues left..
"
101367,"I used to be indecisive.... Now I'm not so sure.
"
57825,"The founder of strepsils died this week There will be no coffin at the funeral
"
178839,"The only thing worse than the one that got away is the one that won't go away
"
168568,"Why aren't there any Mexican swimmers in the Olympics? Because they're all in the US
"
171815,"How can you tell if you have a high sperm count? When your wife has to chew before she swallows.
"
143296,"How man Sah Dudes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None fam it's already lit! Sah duude!
"
13753,"What do you get when you cross Ebola and Tourette Syndrome?
"
17722,"Did you hear about the country adopting a """"Get to it Later"""" policy? I guess you could say it's a procrasti-NATION
"
230467,"Why hasn't Kim Kardashian seen her asshole lately? He's on tour.
"
204442,"Whiny prostitute Why did the whiny prostitute feel she really needed to buy a house? So she could finally feel comfortable telling her parents she was a ho' moaner.
"
103404,"I just passed my drug test My dealer has some serious explaining to do
"
226104,"Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
"
209505,"Did you hear about the man who got his entire left side cut off? Don't worry, he's allright now.
"
204161,"Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they're tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they're drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
"
7908,"Just been on a 'once in a lifetime holiday'... ...never again. [/timvine]
"
155610,"Pickup line Call me Willy Wanka and let me stick it in your chocolate factory.
"
63423,"If I like my job am I a """"gruntled"""" employee??
"
60953,"Why do white girls only travel in groups of 3, 5, and 7? Because they literally can't even.
"
171975,"What would Jesus actually do? Probably ban nail guns
"
86615,"Att'n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
"
154280,"In 1466, Dracula started eating 16-year-old virgins. In 2015, he died of starvation.
"
180815,"Q: How many 1st AD's does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Why are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy!
"
224672,"God bless USA And Science. And Muhammad And The Buddhist Gods. everyone is offended these days.
"
62254,"If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
"