CLOSE Shannon Rae Green hosts USA NOW for Sept. 18, 2013, with updates on the Miley Cyrus PR phenomenon bringing in big bucks. Who's next to jump on the publicity wrecking ball? USA TODAY, USA NOW, Kaveh Rezaei, 
 
 'I'm not old-fashioned,' Cher says. Miley Cyrus' notorious MTV performance 'just wasn't done well.' 
 
 Robin Thicke and Miley Cyrus perform during the 2013 MTV Video Music Awards on Aug. 25. (Photo: Jeff Kravitz) 
 
 Cher has a few choice words about the Miley Cyrus twerk-a-thon on MTV's Video Music Awards. 
 
 The hyperactive, sexual performance with Robin Thicke was "so bad," says the famously outspoken diva, 67. 
 
 But not for reasons that riled most skittish viewers. Cher, no stranger to controversy and scandal, didn't find any shock value in Cyrus' tongue-wagging, booty-thumping display. 
 
 "I'm not old-fashioned," Cher tells USA TODAY in an interview to promote new album Closer to the Truth. "She could have come out naked, and if she'd just rocked the house, I would have said, 'You go, girl.' It just wasn't done well. She can't dance, her body looked like hell, the song wasn't great, one cheek was hanging out. And, chick, don't stick out your tongue if it's coated." 
 
 The performance seemed ill-conceived, Cher adds. 
 
 "If you're going to go that far, then think about it before you do it," she says. 
 
 Cher made waves for her 1989 If I Could Turn Back Time video shot before sailors aboard the USS Missouri battleship. She wore a body stocking over a skimpy swimsuit that revealed her tattooed bottom. 
 
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 Miley Cyrus’ tongue has appeared on stages, magazine covers, social media feeds, and red carpets. It has even inspired a dialogue between Atlantic Wire writers on its symbolic import (“embarrassing unsexy sign of a girl who is trying too hard” or “brilliant sendup of prepackaged coy femininity that is genius in its grossness?”). As a cultural touchstone, this band of flesh waggles with enough conflicting meanings and interpretations to make a grad student in anthropology salivate—but before we even start that conversation, can we just confirm that Miley’s not dying of rabies? 
 
 Katy Waldman Katy Waldman is a Slate staff writer. 
 
 Her tongue looks white. Like, dusted with inclement weather. Like she was just licking the inside of a goose feather pillow. And while, yes, we know, the world does not need another post about Miley Cyrus, our previous posts have led us to feel genuine concern for her. Dentists who blog have also expressed misgivings. Is there a chance Miley might actually have some kind of health problem? 
 
 “There are a few things that would cause me concern if she walked into my office.” 
 
 
 
 According to the Mayo Clinic, white tongue is usually “the result of inflammation of the finger-like projections (papillae) on the surface of your tongue. The appearance of a white coating is caused by debris, bacteria, and dead cells getting lodged between the inflamed papillae.” 
 
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 Luckily, though, the inflammation that leads to white tongue is often “harmless and temporary.” Typical causes include (per the Mayo Clinic) dehydration, dry mouth, excessive alcohol use, fever, and smoking. But there are scarier culprits too. Leukoplakia is a condition that “causes cells in the mouth to grow excessively” and “can develop when your tongue has been irritated,” especially by “tobacco products.” The complaint may be precancerous. Another possible cause is oral thrush, which sounds like an exotic bird but is actually a yeast infection, one that occasionally results from taking steroids or antibiotics. Oral lichen planus, an autoimmune disorder, can sometimes turn the tongue white, as can syphilis. 
 
 So what should Miley do? The best person for her to consult is her dentist, who will be able to diagnose her condition and determine whether it’s harmless. I was unable to reach Miley’s dentist (or her agent or manager), but I did manage to float her case by Robert Mantoni, a DDS in the Washington, D.C., area. After poring over some Internet images, Mantoni concluded: “In many of these pictures, the tongue looks normal: pink, moist and healthy. But there are a few that would cause me some concern if she walked into my office. Looking at the white color on the top of the tongue, and knowing her wild lifestyle, I would start thinking alcohol, drugs, or maybe bulimia, since all those things can compromise the immune system and inflame the papillae. Alcohol in particular is such an irritant to the mouth.” 
 
 How would he treat it? “Well, the first thing is not to freak out. I’ve seen this many times, much worse, and it’s usually very, very benign. You can get it to resolve with warm salt water rinses and sometimes peroxide cleanses. Or you might just need to switch toothpastes to something blander. I’d recommend she buy a tongue scraper or gently brush her tongue as well. In short, eliminate potential causes and practice more aggressive hygiene. And then come back in two weeks to make sure everything’s cleared up.” (Other dentists agree that she could pay a little more attention to her oral health.) 
 
 Sure, but what if it hasn’t cleared up? “That’s when we request a biopsy. I’d be very surprised if that were necessary, though. White anywhere else in the mouth or even on the sides of the tongue would concern me. Not white on top.”
– You may have noticed that, of late, Miley Cyrus cannot seem to keep her tongue in her mouth. Well, Slate noticed something else, and it's even more disturbing: Her tongue often appears to be white. (Sadly, we cannot offer you any photographic evidence of this, but Google certainly can.) "Can we just confirm that Miley's not dying of rabies?" writes Katy Waldman. She consults first with the Mayo Clinic, which says white tongue can be caused by any number of things, from the dangerous (leukoplakia, which can be precancerous) to the bizarre-sounding (oral thrush) to the scandalous (syphilis) to the perhaps-most-likely ("excessive alcohol use"). Waldman suggests Cyrus go see her dentist, and one dentist who studied the photos notes that Miley's tongue often looks normal. But a handful of the images "concern" him, he says, and "knowing her wild lifestyle, I would start thinking alcohol, drugs, or maybe bulimia, since all those things can compromise the immune system and inflame the papillae. Alcohol in particular is such an irritant to the mouth." Treatment could be as easy as a saltwater rinse or using a tongue scraper. Cher may have been the first to point out Miley's tongue issues—she gave Cyrus some advice via USA Today last month: "Chick, don't stick out your tongue if it's coated."