{"source_url": "https://web.archive.org", "url": "https://web.archive.org/web/20201129040344id_/https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/01/asexual-boyfriend-mismatch-still-wants-sex.html?via=rss", "title": "Boyfriend says he\u2019s \u201casexual,\u201d but he still likes sex. What\u2019s going on?", "top_image": "https://compote.slate.com/images/db55945d-d7c9-4521-b33d-404c9e348966.gif", "meta_img": "https://compote.slate.com/images/db55945d-d7c9-4521-b33d-404c9e348966.gif", "images": ["https://web.archive.org/media/components/adblock-message/slate-plus-promo.png", "https://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-fw53_-Tq3MNK1.gif", "https://compote.slate.com/images/db55945d-d7c9-4521-b33d-404c9e348966.gif"], "movies": [], "text": "How to Do It is Slate\u2019s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It\u2019s anonymous!\n\nDear How to Do It,\n\nI am a straight woman in my late 20s dating a man of the same age. My boyfriend told me he was asexual when I met him. I am not, but that was never a problem; he is OK with hand stuff and receiving oral sex, and we have had a satisfying relationship for more than three years. Recently, we have begun having penetrative sex at his suggestion. Personally, I am thrilled. I had never hoped to change him or try to suggest penetrative sex, but I do really enjoy it and am happy that we can bring it into our relationship. I have been trying to have more conversations about it just to make sure he is comfortable with this shift, but he does not really want to have them after sex or in the daylight at all. He seems to be having an OK time with it (he enjoys himself during the act and continues to initiate it), but he does not want to talk with me explicitly about how he currently identifies. How can I best support him in what seems to be a transitional period regarding sex and sexual ID?\n\n\u2014Something-Sexual\n\nDear Something-Sexual,\n\nThis is not my wheelhouse, so I called in Cyndi Darnell, sex and relationship therapist and friend of the column, for some expert advice. Here\u2019s what she had to say about what you can expect from your partner:\n\nHow your partner identifies is important and how he participates in sex may be influenced and determined by his identity too. Similarly, your sexual and emotional needs are important and require care and attention also. He may not want to discuss his identity with you which, while frustrating for you, is his private business. However, if he is having sexual interactions with you and you want to talk about that, he needs to recognize that having frank and honest discussions about sex and its effect on your relationship is an important part of any mature adult intimate relationship. Talking about sex\u2014when you\u2019re not in the middle of doing it\u2014is crucial to keeping tabs on how it\u2019s going. His identity is not a get-out-of-jail-free card to avoid having conversations he may find challenging. People of all orientations and identities are obliged to nourish their relationships by participating in communication and care. Discussing sex is a crucial part of having a rich erotic relationship whether you\u2019re having intercourse or only giving each other oral and hand jobs. Whether he\u2019s experiencing an erotic transition or morphing into demisexuality rather than strictly asexuality, it may be as bewildering to him as it is to you. To help you get a little clearer, I invite you to consider what exactly you\u2019d like to know about his identity, especially given that he\u2019s initiating sex, and, as you say, appears happy about it. Are you simply trying to connect with him, or is there more you would like to know to help you understand the relationship further? Perhaps if you guided him around your communication motivation, he may be a little more open to it. Or perhaps talking about sex squicks him out, in which case now is a great time for him to learn to practice stepping up and doing it differently.\n\nTo summarize, you\u2019re going to have to talk about (some of) it.\n\nDear How to Do It,\n\nWoman in her 40s here.\n\nDo vibrators decrease sensitivity to pleasuring with fingering? I learned to masturbate in my mid-20s and initially just used my fingers and porn. I never had a vaginal orgasm, although I do very much enjoy vaginal intercourse. My first masturbation orgasm opened a whole new world for me. Then I discovered vibrators, and instead of 10 to 15 minutes for me to orgasm, it was two to five minutes for the most part\u2014sometimes longer, but rarely more than 10 minutes.\n\nI never orgasmed from fingering from a partner until my current spouse, and while it took a while, it still happened maybe every second or third time. I loved it. Then we had kids, and no one has the energy for loooong sex sessions anymore, so it was easier for me to just use the vibrator after (together) or on my own. Some years went by, and we now have a bit more time occasionally, and he\u2019s put some real effort into masturbating me, but has not been able to get me to orgasm again. I\u2019ve come close, but then I always get anxious about how long it\u2019s taking, and whether he\u2019s tired already, and I \u201close\u201d it.\n\nOne thing I\u2019ve wondered about is whether my use of vibrators has \u201cdulled\u201d things, making me less sensitive? I can no longer finger myself to an orgasm anymore either, nor do I have the patience or energy, frankly, when a vibrator will do the job in two to three minutes. I do use a very strong vibrator and like it that way. My spouse is OK with me using it after to \u201cfinish up,\u201d but I do miss orgasming from his fingering. Do I need to suck it up, stop using a vibrator, and learn how to masturbate with my own fingers again to regain it? Do vibrators make a difference to sensitivity and that is indeed the issue, or is that a myth?\n\nIs it all in my head, and it\u2019s my anxiety about me taking too long to orgasm with his fingering that is stopping me from reaching orgasm? Is it possible to orgasm from someone else\u2019s fingering, when I can\u2019t even do it for myself anymore? Your insights on this will be greatly appreciated.\n\n\u2014Can\u2019t Put My Finger on It\n\nDear Can\u2019t Put My Finger on It,\n\nThe body can absolutely become accustomed to a certain kind of stimulation. Yes, that includes vibrators. Take a break from the vibe for a few weeks and see what your sensory input is like after you\u2019ve had some time off.\n\nAnother factor here is that sexuality shifts over the course of our lives. What you liked in your 30s and what you like in your 40s may be two different things. You might need different pressure or technique than you needed before you had kids.\n\nYou can experiment by yourself or with your husband. The goal here is to try all the things and find out what works now. Start with broad pressure (rest your palm on the pubic mound and apply gentle pressure to the vulva with your flat fingers). Move into strokes around the clitoris and clitoral hood. Work directly with the clitoral glans. Pay attention to the bottom of the labia and the crease between inner and outer labia. Follow what feels good. You\u2019ve got this.\n\nDear How to Do It,\n\nMy husband and I are straight and have been poly for a couple years, and it\u2019s working out really nicely for us. We\u2019re fantastic, loving partners and parents together but aren\u2019t sexually compatible, so I initiated the change to poly. We\u2019re both stable, long-term-relationship kind of people. We both spend about the same amount of time with secondary partners, but he spreads his time among a few regular secondary partners and I prefer to have a single secondary partner. My secondary for the last year has been a man with a primary partner, and it\u2019s been great. I don\u2019t know his primary well, but my partner did a good job of balancing both. I felt cared for. We recently broke up, sadly but amicably, because he needed to focus more on his primary relationship.\n\n\n\nWhile I\u2019m not ready to date again just yet, it has me thinking about what\u2019s next. If I could order up my perfect secondary, I\u2019d like a single (divorced, widowed, whatever) man for whom I am the only one. I\u2019m thinking someone who has a fulfilling independent life and/or busy enough schedule that a married woman he sees a couple nights a week fits. Someone with long-term potential who lived on his own but was maybe part of our family dynamic and who my kids saw as a family friend.\n\n\n\nI\u2019ve dated two single men before, and one wanted more of my time than I could give. The other one actually fit that ideal profile and it worked well for a while, but we broke up for unrelated reasons. I\u2019m trying to decide if this is a realistic thing for me to seek. Are there men this might appeal to? I mean, I found one. Surely there are others? Or is it \u201cun-poly\u201d of me to want a secondary partner who sees only me, and I should be unpacking my reasons for wanting this? Am I really a monogamous person making do, and is that bad?\n\n\u2014Single Secondary\n\nDear Single Secondary,\n\nI\u2019d like us to take a minute to separate \u201cpoly\u201d from individual needs and desires. Yes, there\u2019s a poly community that does things in certain ways. Yes, there are a few books about poly relationships that seem to dictate how \u201cpoly\u201d should be done. At the end of the day, though, different relationship structures should be about getting people\u2019s needs met in ways that work for everyone involved.\n\nSo let go of any pressure you might be feeling to do poly \u201cright.\u201d As long as everyone involved is happy, I think everything is fine.\n\nI do think you should unpack your reasons for wanting the arrangement you desire\u2014for your own sake, and for that of your partners. The more you understand about what you want, the better you\u2019ll be able to communicate that to your potential partners.\n\nRemember this whole mono/poly thing is a spectrum. A forked spectrum. Complete monogamy is on one end, and the other end forks at ethical nonmonogamy into polyamory and relationship anarchy. The top fork is about structure and the bottom fork is about, well, not structure. You might be a 0.5 on the mono-poly scale. You might be a 1. Some people are in a relationship anarchy zone that requires the one word I promised my editor I wouldn\u2019t use in this column: polyfuckery.\n\nI do want to caution you that it\u2019s unlikely you\u2019ll find someone who wants to be a monogamous secondary for an extended period of time. Then again, the universe might surprise us both. Good luck out there.\n\nDear How to Do It,\n\nMy husband (of 13 years) says his preferred frequency is sex three times a week. I could go three months without thinking about sex. What do we do? If you\u2019re going to say I should spend more time with my body by masturbating or using toys or porn or flirtatious texting\u2014we have tried it all. Our sexual incompatibility remains the source of greatest tension in our relationship.\n\n\u2014Tale As Old As Time\n\nDear Tale As Old As Time,\n\nHave you considered opening up the relationship? It isn\u2019t necessarily going to be easy, but it would allow you to have sex on your own schedule while knowing your partner\u2019s needs are getting met.\n\nYou might find Emily Nagoski\u2019s Come As You Are useful, too. It talks a lot about different arousal styles and how partners can use that knowledge to help their lover\u2019s engine get started.\n\nEither way, remember that you love each other and communicate to the best of your ability.\n\n\u2014Stoya\n\nMore How to Do It\n\nI\u2019m dating a new man. When we became intimate, I was pleasantly surprised that he was very well-endowed (about 8 inches). The sex is solid and getting better, but I\u2019ve noticed his erections are not particularly, well, erect\u2014he\u2019s definitely hard and penetration isn\u2019t a problem, but he\u2019s not rock-hard like many men I\u2019ve been with in the past. I raise this question because it reminded me that another very well-endowed man I was with in the past also had this issue; he\u2019d be hard, but he was never going to cut a diamond. Is this common? Is there just not enough blood to power the biggest guys?", "keywords": [], "meta_keywords": [""], "tags": ["Sex", "Advice"], "authors": [], "publish_date": "Wed Jan  1 11:00:04 2020", "summary": "", "article_html": "", "meta_description": "What\u2019s the deal?", "meta_lang": "en", "meta_favicon": "/media/sites/slate-com/icon.76x76.png", "meta_data": {"viewport": "width=device-width,initial-scale=1,shrink-to-fit=no", "og": {"title": "My Boyfriend Says He\u2019s \u201cAsexual,\u201d but Then Initiates Hot Sex With Me", "url": "https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/01/asexual-boyfriend-mismatch-still-wants-sex.html", "description": "What\u2019s the deal?", "image": "https://compote.slate.com/images/db55945d-d7c9-4521-b33d-404c9e348966.gif", "site_name": "Slate Magazine", "type": "article"}, "twitter": {"title": "My Boyfriend Says He\u2019s \u201cAsexual,\u201d but Then Initiates Hot Sex With Me", "description": "What\u2019s the deal?", "image": "https://compote.slate.com/images/db55945d-d7c9-4521-b33d-404c9e348966.gif", "card": "summary_large_image", "site": "@slate"}, "article": {"published_time": "2020-01-01T11:00:04+00:00", "tag": "sex, advice", "publisher": "https://www.facebook.com/Slate"}, "robots": "max-image-preview:large", "description": "What\u2019s the deal?", "news_keywords": "sex, advice", "author": "Stoya", "fb": {"app_id": 142011022527753}, "apple-mobile-web-app-title": "Slate", "application-name": "Slate", "msapplication-TileColor": "#660033", "msapplication-TileImage": "/media/sites/slate-com/icon.144x144.png", "theme-color": "#2c0022", "dfp-cache-buster": 1}, "canonical_link": "https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/01/asexual-boyfriend-mismatch-still-wants-sex.html"}