You do not seem to be a confused personality but only confused about your sexual preference. You need to be interviewed in detail to determine it. Your childhood experiences, including child sexual abuse, complicate the matter further. However, it is commendable the way you have recognised your problems and tried to solve them. It is very wise to focus on the solution rather than blaming others or punishing them. One should get on with life and pursue ways of being happy. Your main problems seem to be not being comfortable with your homosexual behaviour while your heterosexual fantasies include rape of a girl. This seems to be linked in part to sexual abuse during childhood. I stongly advise you to consult a Psychiatrist for detailed assessment of your problem and planning treatment which will include both behaviour and psychotherapy. Remember this is going to be a prolonged treatment which will definitely change your life for the better if your efforts are sincere.