Despite the emphasis 12-Step groups place on making direct amends, it’s important to understand that this is not always a realistic option. Sometimes, a person will simply not be willing to accept your apology or efforts to compensate them for the harm you’ve caused. They may be dealing with their own mental health issues or the effects of past trauma and not be ready to move forward. Even though this may be painful, you need to accept that you cannot control how others respond to this part of your recovery journey.
In other circumstances, making amends might actually cause further harm. For example, if you hurt someone in a drunk driving accident, reaching out to contact them directly could result in even more stress and anxiety for them. In this case, it would be better to donate to a charity that helps victims of drunk drivers and continue to share your story with others as a way to discourage people from getting behind the wheel after they’ve had too much to drink. Other examples of when a direct attempt to make amends may not be appropriate include:
You were guilty of emotional, physical, or sexual abuse.
The person is afraid of you.
You want to confess to something the person is currently not aware of, such as infidelity during a romantic relationship.
The person has specifically said that they do not wish to have further contact with you.
Making indirect amends means acknowledging your faults and resolving to live well in the future. This can include steps such as seeking residential treatment for your addiction, continuing to seek therapy to address issues such as depression or anxiety that may have contributed to your substance abuse, and becoming a sponsor once you’re well established in your recovery.