I'm so sorry to hear about the assaults you've experienced. Your feelings and reactions are valid, even if they seem confusing or counterintuitive to you. There could be several reasons why you've developed anxiety about men despite experiencing more assaults from women. Let me run through some potential ideas.
To start, societal messaging and cultural norms often emphasize male-perpetrated violence, which might influence your perceptions and fears, even subconsciously. This doesn't invalidate your experiences with women, but it can shape how we process and react to trauma.
In addition, men may be perceived as physically stronger on average compared to women, potentially leading to a greater sense of vulnerability or fear, regardless of your actual experiences.
One other idea is that if any of your experiences with men were particularly traumatic or occurred earlier in life, they might have a more significant psychological impact, even if they were fewer in number. Your anxiety could also be related to specific characteristics or situations associated with men in your experiences, rather than men as a whole.
These are just ideas I have. Trauma responses aren't always logical or directly correlated to the source of trauma. Your brain might be trying to protect you based on a complex mix of experiences, perceptions, and subconscious factors.
Above all, your feelings aren't unjustified – they're a real response to your experiences. However, if this anxiety is impacting your daily life, it might be helpful to work with a trauma-informed therapist. They can help you process your experiences and develop coping strategies for managing your anxiety.
Remember, healing from trauma is a journey, and it's okay to have complex or seemingly contradictory feelings along the way. Your experiences and reactions are valid, and you deserve support in working through them. Thank you so much for asking this question. You are not alone.