One reason for defensiveness is hearing what others say as a personal attack or attaching your own meaning to what others are saying. Actively listen to the other person’s words. Then, if you feel yourself getting defensive, ask a clarifying question such as, “Am I understanding this correctly…” and then share your interpretation of what they said.
Another reason defensiveness and condescension take over in relationships is because of trust issues or power issues. For example, if one partner has low self-esteem, everything the other partner communicates is going to be received through the lens of low self-esteem. Condescension can be a way for someone with low self-esteem to boost their self-esteem through illusory superiority as mentioned in the article.