Many people seek some concrete sign that forgiveness is complete. There can be an uneasiness until there is a guarantee of sorts that the journey is ended. Yet, if we see forgiveness as a process, one that can take time, then perhaps the quest for an end–a complete termination of resentment and a complete embrace of forgiving–is not so vital. Being open to further developments in forgiving might become the goal.
Forgiveness takes time in many cases and so there are various markets along the path to show you that forgiving is, in fact, taking place. One of the first markers is the decision to enter into forgiving. If you make a commitment to avoiding resentment and revenge against the person, you are forgiving and should give yourself credit for this.
If you begin to see the offender in a different light, seeing him or her as a member of the human community, with a round, thorough, harsh condemnation entering in, then you can have confidence that forgiving is occurring. Over time, as the negative thoughts and feelings wane, you may find yourself with a glimmer of positive thoughts and feelings toward the one who hurt you. That is another positive step in the forgiveness process.
There are deeper test for deeper levels of forgiving, such as the expression of kindness, generosity, and moral love toward the one who hurt you, but these are more analogous to final exams, sometimes not reached by the forgiver. You need not wait until you’ve reached such distant markers along the path to credit yourself with the act of forgiving.
As you continue to progress in your commitment to forgive, you are likely to experience more and more relief from recurring thoughts about the wrongdoing. You may experience a decrease not only in periods of anger, but also in feelings of anxiety or depression. You may also experience a confirmation of your value for forgiveness itself and a sense of renewed purposefulness in life. Indeed, you may discover that forgiving has helped you grow as a person who expresses love and concern both for the wrongdoer and for many other people in your daily life.