I have complex PTSD from a lifetime of trauma and abuse but I won't bore you with all the details. My husband of 12 yrs told me he was going to take a shower and kissed me on the forehead while I was watching tv. After awhile I realized he had not came to bed so I went to check on him and couldn't find him. I started looking everywhere and went into the big metal building we called the barn and didnt see him and started to leave when I heard our cat crying up above me and found my husband hanging from the 16 ft rafter. He still had tear streaks on his cheeks. All I could think about was I have to get him down brfore its too late. I grabbed a ladder and a machete and started trying to cut the rope and realized he would fall a long way to the cement floor, so I cut it most of the way jumped off the ladder while tugging his foot and mamaged to catch him and crumpled to the floor. That's when I realized he was cold. It was too late. I called my sister and she told me to call 911. I have lupus and had just got all my pain meds filled and in the 40 minutes it took for the ambulance to find us way out in the country, I repeatedly tried to swallow the pills to kill myself but I couldn't stop thinking about my kids and spit them out, only to try again and again and not be able to do it. I lost my mind for a long time. I was so angry and sad and wanted to die but couldn't seem to do it. I started using drugs and fought the police and tried to commit suicide by cop amd ended up in jail for multiple accounts of aggravated assault on a peace officer. A therapist told me I had PTSD but I didn't really understand. I was having horrific nightmares and panic attacks but I thought they would go away eventually. I did alot of self destructive things, had abusive relationships, was beaten and even raped, at one point I was homeless and almost died from having no potassium in my system from not eating and drinking enough in the 100 degree Texas heat. Eventually I got back on my feet and thought I had got past it, at least as much as I was ever going to. I stopped dating at all and was going to college and was writing a paper for my psychology class and was reading about PTSD and realized that it's not just nightmares and panic attacksu2023 Things I just thought were my personality were classic symptoms. I cant maintain close relationships, I have a hard time getting attached or showing emotions even to my kids and grandkids, I prefer animals over people, Ive become basically agoraphobic and never want to leave my house. I have weapons everywhere in my house. I startle so easily that I cant open a can of biscuits. Any little thing makes me feel like I'm so terrified that im going to jump out of my skin. I have a constant feeling of impending doom. Sometimes I will just stop answering the phone for days and not talk to anybody. It's so hard to explain but I feel like I'm not living im just existing most of the time. Most people have no idea that there's even anythng wrong. It literally permeates e everything in my life.