Birth mothers vary enormously. Many parents tell us positive stories about birth mothers.
Susan has this advice: “The first meeting with a birth mom can be awkward, if you can, go to a public place. Being able to focus on food can help with silences.”
Lisa, adoptive mother of three, is very empathetic towards birth mothers: “The happiest day in the adopting mom’s life is the hardest day for the birth mom. Adoption is born from loss. If you have an open relationship with your child’s birth mom, it’s good to be aware of this – being sensitive to their needs and what they are going through”.
“You’ve got to work hard to maintain the relationships – and some take more work than others. As your children get older it’s good to encourage them to be the ones to take responsibility for keeping in touch. ” Lisa has never missed a Mother’s Day or Christmas; she invites their birth mothers to all special occasions and ensures regular calls.
Lisa established an open relationship from the outset: “It’s best if your child has always known they are adopted, with no ‘reveal’ moment. Similarly, it’s helpful if they know their birth parents from the start. The last thing an adopting parent wants to set up is a surprise relationship after their child’s identity has been formed.”
“The relationship most people have with their aunts and uncles – that’s similar to the relationship my children have with their birth parents. The best divorces are those where the parents cooperate and support each other. Adopting is not co-parenting, but birth family is important. That includes birth fathers and grandparents and siblings. ”
Lisa gives a lovely example of how a good relationship can be a real asset: “A couple of years ago, Emma and I were having a typical teenage / parent argument. She came out with the classic ‘You’re not my mother’. To which I responded, ‘You know what, let’s give her a call and see what she has to say’. And her birth mom was incredibly supportive, and the best thing is I knew she’d have my back.”
Susan: “It’s a really good idea to have a post adoption contact agreement clearly defining the minimum amount of contact that is expected. Obviously every situation is different and where the child has been taken away from the birth parents it can be fraught. You have to work extremely hard at these relationships. And it is so important that, never mind how tempted you are, you must try and be positive about your child’s birth parents. No negative talk about them.”