Thank you for reaching out about this sensitive topic. It's understandable to have questions about your experiences and feelings.
Trauma can influence a person's interests or fixations, but it's important to understand that this is a complex topic without simple answers. The development of interests, including sexual ones, is influenced by many factors and can begin at different ages for different individuals.
For young children, it's more accurate to describe heightened interest or preoccupation with sexual topics as a potential trauma response, rather than "kinks" which implies adult sexual interests. This kind of fixation in childhood is often a way of trying to process confusing or overwhelming experiences.
There are several reasons why these preoccupations might occur. It could be an attempt to gain control over a situation where one previously felt powerless. Trauma can also affect brain development, particularly in areas related to stress response and emotional regulation, influencing thought patterns and behaviors. Early experiences can create strong mental associations that persist over time, sometimes manifesting as ongoing interests or fixations.
It's crucial to understand that these responses are not a choice or a reflection of one's character. They're complex psychological reactions to difficult experiences. If you've been having these thoughts since elementary school, it may be related to early experiences that were confusing or overwhelming for you. This doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with you - it's a common way for young minds to try to make sense of traumatic events.
You might consider speaking to a counselor or therapist who specializes in working with youth and trauma. They can help you understand your experiences and feelings in a healthy way. If you're not able to access professional help right now, the ChildHelp chatline or hotline (1-800-422-4453) is a confidential resource that can provide support and guidance.
Remember, you're not alone in having confusing thoughts or feelings. It's okay to have questions, and it's brave of you to seek understanding. Be patient and kind with yourself as you work through this. Thank you for trusting us with this. You are not alone.