If you adopt a child from birth, or when they are very young, you are in a very similar position to a family with a donor conceived child – at some point you will need to tell them their story. Not telling is not an option. And telling them while they are very little has numerous advantages – there will never be an awkward reveal moment, there will be no secrets . . . All the comments and advice in sections 5 and 6 apply equally here. Tell them and tell them early.
Familylives.org.uk: “Children should be raised knowing they were adopted. Adopted children identify with their adopted family but also have their own identity as an adopted child. Some children may need to ask questions to understand what has happened in their life, especially if their adoption brings them into a new culture or environment. This can be the same whether the child is adopted at birth or as an older child. As adoptive parents you can positively influence how your child feels about their identity. Find out as much as you can about your child’s background, and culture, and encourage them to talk openly about this part of who they are. Confusion or questions about who we are come up for most of us at some time in our lives. Appreciating your child’s identity and positively tackling issues as they come up will help your child understand that they should acknowledge and be proud of who they are.”
Avoiding telling because you want to save your child from hurt is not right. Actually adopted children can feel positive about being adopted. Jada, 17 from Jiangsu Province, China: “A pro to being adopted is that you are different and that makes you unique. I think it’s incredible to have something that not everyone has in the world.”
Mira, 14 in a Pactadopt interview when asked how she feels about her adoption replied: “I feel upset that my birth mother gave me up . . . just a little bit . . . but I’m mainly happy ‘coz I probably would not have had a good childhood.” To find out more, Google ‘YouTube video Adoptees Speak by Pactadopt’ to get a rounded perspective of adoptees views.