Thank you for sharing your experience. It takes immense courage to talk about such difficult and personal matters. I'm deeply sorry for what you've been through and the challenges you're facing now. Please remember that what happened to you is not your fault. The responsibility lies entirely with the adults who should have protected you.
I understand you're struggling with intrusive thoughts and hyperfixation on related topics. This is a common response to trauma, but I know it can be distressing. To address this, try redirecting your attention when you notice these thoughts arising. This could involve engaging in a physically or mentally absorbing activity like solving puzzles, playing a game, or doing craft projects. Mindfulness exercises can also help; try focusing intently on your immediate surroundings or on a specific task you're doing.
It may help to set aside a specific, limited time each day to think about or process these issues. This can give you a sense of control and prevent the thoughts from dominating your entire day. Outside of this time, gently remind yourself to focus on other aspects of your life.
While professional help would be ideal, I understand it might not be accessible right now. There are still steps you can take to begin addressing your experiences. First, if there's a trusted adult in your life like a teacher, school counselor, or family friend, consider confiding in them. They may be able to provide support or help you access resources.
For immediate support, I highly recommend reaching out to ChildHelp. They operate a National Child Abuse Chatline that's available 24/7. They offer crisis intervention, information, and referrals to thousands of emergency, social service, and support resources. All discussions are confidential, and they can be an excellent resource for guidance and support.
Some additional strategies you can try from home include journaling about your experiences and feelings in a safe, private place. This can help you process your thoughts. You can also practice self-care by engaging in activities that make you feel safe and calm, such as reading, drawing, or exercising. When intrusive thoughts occur, try grounding exercises like the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
Learning about the effects of childhood trauma can also help you understand your reactions better. Websites like the National Child Traumatic Stress Network offer reliable, age-appropriate information. However, be cautious not to overwhelm yourself.
Remember, healing is a process, and it's okay to take it one day at a time. Your feelings are valid, and you deserve support and safety. When you're able to access professional help in the future, working with a therapist specialized in childhood trauma will be beneficial. Until then, be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate this difficult journey. Thank you for reaching out to us. You are not alone.