Successful parenting requires a heavy dose of selflessness. It’s often a thankless and unglamorous job, particularly during the early years. In other words, it requires the very mentality that a narcissist lacks.
A narcissist needs constant praise, which is the feedback that children are unlikely to provide. This often leads to resentment and emotional neglect.
Narcissistic parents tend to see the world in a binary way: something (or someone) is either wonderful or worthless. Unfortunately, they put their children into these categories. A young child who has the natural drive to please their parent and stay in the “wonderful” category may learn to overlook biting remarks, neglect, and emotional abuse and provide the continuous positive feedback that their parent needs. They may let their parent control their lives just to avoid making waves. Pleasing their parent becomes more than a natural instinct; it’s a survival skill that they learn at an early age to ensure that life is harmonious.
Narcissistic parents view their children as an extension of themselves and an opportunity for self-advancement. For them, an attractive, well-behaved and accomplished child is a direct reflection of their own accomplishments. They tend to have very high expectations of their children, pushing them to succeed in sports, academics, and later on, in high-status careers.
Some kids never break the cycle of catering to their parent’s need for control and validation. However, many kids develop more confidence, emotional intelligence, and bravery as they become older. During adolescence, as their focus naturally shifts inward and they become more independent, pleasing their parent becomes less of a priority.
Narcissistic parents see this budding independence as a direct threat to what was once a source of validation. Unfortunately, in the parent’s eyes, this relegates the child to the “worthless” category. When their children rebel against the expectations placed on them, the parent typically withdraws their affection and disconnects from them.
This disconnection is very confusing and damaging to children. Unconditional love and approval, consistency and availability are essential for developing secure attachments that lay the groundwork for successful relationships later on. Early bonds with primary caregivers directly impact how the individual copes with stress, views themselves, and relates to others. Disrupting that bond can have an emotional impact that lasts a lifetime.