We can use the simple formula of:
Negative Emotions + Positive Strategy Tool = Neutral/Appropriate Behavior
When we catch ourselves feeling overwhelmed, stressed or angry, we need to be aware of our responses and the behaviors we are modeling in front of ever watching eyes. They won’t know that negative emotions are ok until they see it first being modeled by trusted adults around them. Remember, we are working with a learned habit, so it takes time to change.
Clients showed intense reactions when I started modeling and verbalizing what healthy responses to negative emotions looked like in adults. For the clients working on this skill, I would make sure we had a strong working relationship first, and also be in a safe place where they could express themselves.
If that client asked how my day was I would respond honestly and, if true, say something along the lines of, "I’m not having the best day right now. But I’m glad to be with you, and it helps me to focus on what we are working on. I also know I’m going to (insert coping strategy here) later so things should turn out ok!"
I was directly contradicting a long held habit and belief and they reacted how many of us do when our beliefs are challenged, with discomfort, demonstrated everywhere from surprise to extreme anger.
These advances are what we are focusing on obtaining, and it’s important we realize the things that may be limiting us and them to accomplishing that next step of success. Therefore, it’s important when your child or teenager is going through a rough patch and expressing frustration to respect those feelings and respond in a healthy way.