I think i understand your question but forgive me if I miss your point. The trick is to teach your children the value of extended family. Their only frame of reference is watching you do it without the support of extended family so they can be forgiven for not getting it easily.The other thing I would offer is that you have to be careful not to offer your help, opinion or guidance until it is asked for. You have to be diligent about respecting their household rules even if you don't fully understand them. This includes housekeeping and child rearing practices.I have described the huge shift to being in an adult relationship with your children. They have to be willing to let this happen. They may have to forgive you for any perceived parenting missteps to which they may still be clinging. This may require that you ask for forgiveness for something you feel was fully justified at the time. It may take a very long time for them to be able to see things from your point of view.Good luck. I hope you find a way to be a part of their adult lives and the lives of your grandchildren.