<p>What in the salty seas could be more important than presents at Christmas time?</p> <p>Nothing. Absolutely nothing.</p> <p>Tis’ Christmas time on Mystical Isle, and just like the fat bastard in red, I’ve made a list and now I shall check it...twice. Yeah, twice. I might wear a diaper, but I’m not an arse.</p> <p>Battle the human women in sweatpants and snow boots for electronics on Black Friday. Check.</p> <p>Cover each palm tree in lights even though the Mermaids insist they look phallic. Check. By the way, what does phallic mean? Never mind. Check.</p> <p>Moving on.</p> <p>Weave a Christmas tale during family story time on the beach, have a family portrait made in the special sweaters I pilfered, and write a letter to Santa. I mean, fat bastard...Check.</p> <p>Planning activities that may end in bloodshed. Check. That’s what I call a yuletide win, so check-check.</p> <p>The Mermaids have baked lovely Christmas cookies that will go wonderfully with the rum in my diaper. And everyone has voted to veto caroling since Pirate Doug has a singing voice that can kill...literally. The present exchange would be ruined if everyone was dead. Could my days be merrier or brighter? Uh, no. Check.</p> <p>It seems I have everything under control and Christmas on Mystical Isle will be unforgettable, or I’m not the Well-Hung God of the Sea, Poseidon.</p> <p>And I am. Check.</p>