i 'll bet right now you 're just lounging by the pool , humming " i will always love you " and wistfully recalling your candlelight dinners with success .
it is n't necessarily over for you : i say you still have enough charm that you could avoid starring in " kevin !
" for at least a few more years .
begin by scribbling " the star that burns twice as bright burns half as long
" somewhere you 'll always see it , perhaps on the fridge door , or on a bedroom mirror with lipstick .
you had a heck of a thing going there until you agreed to star in robin hood : prince of thieves , where you were not only upstaged by powerhouses morgan freeman and alan rickman , but christian slater ( ! ) , several dozen tall trees , bows , arrows , and a canoe , too .
after dances with wolves and jfk , you decided the world needed more three hour movies , expensive three hour movies , so you starred in and produced wyatt earp ; wyatt earp the man was a boring idiot who made the history books solely due to a general lack of famous wyatts .
wyatt earp was so dull a cowboy that he died of natural causes .
tombstone was a vastly superior movie based on the same legend , and that featured kurt russell as earp and dana delaney as his girlfriend !
( she was played by joanna going in your movie - you know , the character known best in wyatt earp as " jew whore " .
what were you and lawrence kasdan thinking ? )
now , you 're suffering the demise of yet another of your epics , the postman , a film so financially disastrous that it all but eradicated the memory waterworld 's and tin cup 's mildly lucrative box office takes .
the postman is not the worst movie ever made - people in hollywood are quick to forget movies like howard the duck whenever the next bomb comes along . yet it is a ridiculous movie .
i suspect you thought you had another braveheart on your hands - why else line up two armies on horesback , all prepared for battle , for the climax of your film ?
-but " mailheart " the postman is not .
( i can think of some more appropriate alternate titles : post encounters of the worst kind ; farewell , my salary ; howard the postman ; the postman 's never watched twice . . . )
what a brown movie .
i hate brown .
you love brown .
dances with wolves was golden and brown
- it looked like an eggo commercial .
the postman had me running for a glass of water every two minutes ; would the post - apocalyptic world look this
maddeningly bland and dry
?
what exactly happened to this desert world , anyway ?
did we all become so stupid that we did n't immediately begin rebuilding homes , restaurants , and most importantly , shopping malls , after " the war " ?
why did you choose to drive the movie 's plot with a dumb group of terrorists who , well , terrorize townfolk across america ?
why is it only
* they * have ammunition , anyway ?
was it really appropriate to cast your daughter as a girl who has a sweet crush on you , the drifter - cum - postman ?
why cast english actress olivia williams as an american ?
do n't you realize that european women can only deliver their big emotional scenes in their native accent ?
( take a look at the less - than - stellar performances of an american - ized nicole kidman or an american - ized minnie driver . ) who could give a damn whether you lived or died at the end of this movie ? if it came down to a fight for leadership between you and the leader of the terrorists , why did n't you do that halfway through the film and save us all a lot of headaches ?
why cast will patton as the bad guy ? because you worked with him in no way out ?
sure , he 's a suitably creepy villain ; know why ?
because he 's creepy in everything , including armageddon , in which he plays a heroic astronaut who practically slithers into his space suit !
why heroize the most demonic institution in america , the u . s .
postal system ?
was tom petty supposed to be playing tom petty ?
if so , why did n't he look more skeletal ?
( he should have been around 70 years old . )
why , oh why , do i have so many questions ?
( i could ask plenty more . )
should n't a three hour running time have provided you enough space to answer everything ?
you have one great line in this film , and
you deliver it to a mule ! : " the things i like about my ass . . .
" i had to wonder .
actually , i enjoyed the tone of the opening scenes , a relaxed cynicism , if you 'll accept such clunky phrasing - too bad you could n't resist the temptation to film yet another love letter to your country .
ultimately , i 'm saying relax .
there is no quota , no need for you to make a picture a year .
settle down .
really question future screenplays before you commit to them . feel free to write back .
i know how much you like letters .
you deliver it to a mule ! : " the things i like about my ass . . . " maddeningly bland and dry it is a ridiculous movie who could give a damn a film so financially disastrous really question future screenplays before you commit to them