" battlefield earth " is the best comedy of the year .
it has to be .
the other prospect is just too horrifying to consider .
bad movie syndrome struck me again , so after witnessing how much " battlefield earth " has been proclaimed a train wreck in both critical and popular circles , i felt the masochistic urge to see the disaster first - hand . is it as bad as advertised ?
oh yes , very much so .
the plot is incomprehensible .
the acting is atrocious .
the special effects are mediocre .
the action is dull .
the implausibilities are legion .
the dialogue is cringe - inducing .
the whole package is funny when it wants to be serious and irritating when it wants to be funny .
i do n't even want to continue reviewing this movie ; i 'd like to purge the atrocity from my mind as soon as possible , but you probably want to read my thrashing in all its sarcastic glory , so here it is : the premise is basically a rip - off of " planet of the apes , " only minus the apes and philosophical discussion , and plus a race of evil aliens from the planet psychlo .
the year is 3000 , the psychlos have conquered earth , and the human population has been enslaved .
only a handful of humans escaped to radiation - rich areas to escape the aliens ; they live out their lives in fear .
one man , johnny goodboy
( i know , i know ) tyler ( barry pepper ) , ventures to the outworld and is captured by the psychlos .
there he confronts the psychlo head of security : a big , ugly , klingon - looking creature called terl ( john travolta ) .
pressed into slavery , johnny vows to lead a revolution and take the planet back .
meanwhile , terl is faced with his own problems : he has recently learned that he 's stuck living on earth ( which he hates ) for the rest of his career because he pissed off his boss by sleeping with the big man 's daughter .
he decides to give johnny knowledge of the psychlo language and technology ( this is where the plot gets ridiculous . . . ) so the " man - animal " can lead a mining expedition into places the psychlos ca n't go .
terl then plans to keep the mined gold for himself .
of course , his plan does n't work .
so many things wrong with this movie -- where to begin ?
how about with travolta , whose hollywood clout brought about this , the cinematic version of scientology guru l . ron hubbard 's sci - fi novel ?
early previews for " battlefield earth , " with constant shots of a makeup - laden travolta cackling like lex luthor , had me ( and several audience members ) remarking , " what the hell is travolta thinking ?
"
the movie did nothing to stem such remarks .
all that ridiculous cackling he did in the trailers is in full force here
: terl cackles after nearly every line , and so does every other psychlo .
of course , this makes every scene hilariously overwrought , no more so than when the script clumsily stumbles into political commentary .
the psychlos are probably supposed to be some kind of satire of corporate america , but ceos generally do n't laugh maniacally after denying pay raises to their employees .
( " you were going to be promoted -- but now you 're not !
fwahahahahahahahaha ! ! ! ! !
"
)
it 's no big surprise terl loses to the humans -- he 's an idiot .
he breaks every kind of supervillain rule in the book .
he underestimates his enemies , assuming he 'll win just because he 's smarter .
( he uses the word " leverage " like some sort of scientologist mantra . )
not content to go the james bond villain route of explaining his plans to the hero , he hooks him up to a machine that gives him knowledge of all the psychlos ' language and technology .
( why this machine is even around in the first place is beyond me . )
he then appears shocked that johnny points a gun at him .
no wonder this guy never got his promotion .
the plot inconsistencies are too numerous to mention .
why do the psychlos build an earth base in which both they and the human slaves must wear little breathing apparatuses to survive ?
how come the psychlos are wasting their time mining for gold when the doors of fort knox are wide open ?
how in the world did all those fighter jets survive sitting in a hangar for 1 , 000 years ?
and how do all these previously brain - dead cavemen learn to fly them so quickly ?
there 's a whole lot more to scratch one 's head about in " battlefield earth .
" bring a scorecard to track the plot holes .
director roger christian shoots " battlefield earth
" in the most distracting way possible , tilting nearly every shot sideways for no discernible reason .
all the characters appear to be standing on the walls , and it 's awfully difficult to watch a movie when you must tilt your head just to watch ordinary passages of dialogue .
the action sequences are atrociously edited ,
every one turned into an endless slow - motion parade that drains all potential excitement .
are these things really so hard to construct ?
my respect for supposed " lightweight " action directors has grown by leaps and bounds after witnessing in " battlefield earth " how badly an action sequence can be shot .
this movie is an absolute headache .
it 's not just the shot selection and editing ;
the movie , quite frankly , makes no sense .
for most of " battlefield earth 's " running time , i just did n't know what was happening .
it did n't have anything to do with me finding the events stupid or illogical ( though they certainly are ) --
i really had no idea what the hell was going on
.
when i pieced the plot together later , it did n't look any better .
here 's how much of a disaster this is : " battlefield earth " is already the worst movie of the year , and it 's going to take something really , really inept to top it .
the only thing we can take comfort in about the film is that no one will be suckered into joining the church of scientology because of it .
in fact , i 'd think that hubbard 's cult would want to distance themselves from this bomb as fast as possible .
that 'll teach me to give into bad movie syndrome again .
in the most distracting way possible so many things wrong with this movie the plot is incomprehensible . the acting is atrocious . the special effects are mediocre . the action is dull . the implausibilities are legion . the dialogue is cringe - inducing bring a scorecard to track the plot holes bad movie syndrome struck me again this movie is an absolute headache the movie , quite frankly , makes no sense i really had no idea what the hell was going on the plot inconsistencies are too numerous to mention is it as bad as advertised ? oh yes , very much so irritating when it wants to be funny the worst movie of the year all that ridiculous cackling he did in the trailers is in full force here this bomb every one turned into an endless slow - motion parade that drains all potential excitement