it happens every year -- the days get longer , the weather gets warmer and the studios start releasing their big - budget blockbusters .
this year 's crop already seems inferior to that of past summers , even 1997 's lackluster trio of batman & robin , the fifth element and the lost world .
the marketing blitz in 1998 has been centered on godzilla ( " heeere , lee - zerd , lee - zerd . . . " ) , which does n't make me optimistic about future summers .
godzilla is , of course , based on a series of cult movies ( translation : really bad movies only a few people can tolerate ) from japan that turn up really late at night on ted turner - owned cable stations .
that this big - budget remake wo n't rise above its roots is fairly obvious .
the credits show us the origin of godzilla .
in five words : nuclear explosion creates giant lizard .
sounds like an enquirer headline , does n't it ?
the mushroom cloud is followed by the inevitable " discovery " sequence .
this time , a japanese guy is eating noodles with chopsticks while watching sumo wrestling ( if that ai n't a stereotype . . . )
when he discovers the telltale radar blip .
people die .
cut to our protagonist , played by matthew broderick .
he makes his first appearance wearing headphones , warbling along to " singin ' in the rain .
"
it 's a none - too - subtle sign that he wishes he were in a classier movie .
no dice , bueller .
from the beginning , poor matthew has to do embarassing things like fondle giant earthworms and stand in godzilla 's enormous footprint .
every disaster movie has to have a know - it - all scientist , and this time broderick is it .
as the world 's leading expert on radiated earthworms ( and would n't you love to have that printed on your business card ? ) , broderick is invaluable to the government .
he immediately dispels vicki lewis ' theory that godzilla is a dinosaur because , hey , you ca n't take seriously the intellectual arguments of " newsradio " cast members .
broderick instead hits the nail on the head , announcing godzilla is a radiated lizard .
"
the radiation is n't an anamoly , " he announces , and lightning strikes .
"
i believe this is a mutated abberation , " he continues , and lightning strikes again .
it 's vocabulary lightning , you see ,
activated by words of four syllables or more .
meanwhile , we 're introduced to our new york cast , headed by an ambitious broadcast journalist ( maria patillo ) , broderick 's former love .
gee , what are the odds their paths will cross again at a dramatically important time ?
poor patillo has been trying to get ahead in the news business for years but has been held down by heartless anchorman harry shearer .
italian cameraman hank azaria tells her she 's not ruthless enough : " nice does n't get you anywhere in this town .
it 's dog eat dog .
"
actually , it 's lizard eat city , as godzilla emerges from the atlantic to begin a rampage on the big apple 's core .
the filmmakers provide us with a one - note drunk fisherman who hooks godzilla .
"
i think i 've got a bite , " he announces as a gigantic tidal wave begins rushing toward him .
you can guess what happens next .
similar reactions spring forth as the monster prowls the city .
hearing the rumble of approaching footsteps , one new yorker remarks , " please do n't tell me that 's another parade .
" please do n't tell me that 's the best line you could come up with .
mayor ebert is not pleased . played by the principal from " head of the class , " he continually makes the wrong decision when given an option , and bickers with his assistant gene .
i guess the filmmakers knew they 'd be getting two thumbs down from the critics and did n't even bother to kiss ass .
the problem is , if you 're going to attack siskel and ebert , you should at least make it funny .
dialogue like , " did n't we agree that we were n't going to have any sweets until after the election ?
" followed by , " back off , gene , " just does n't work for me .
other lame running jokes include everyone mispronouncing the broderick character 's last name and frenchman jean reno 's inability to find a good cup of coffee in new york .
there 's even more fun to be had as godzilla progresses .
as the beast heads back into hiding , broderick suggests the military lure it out with food .
cue twelve dump trucks , all dropping fish into a new york intersection .
( broderick :
that 's a lot of fish . )
that ambush fails , but broderick soon figures out why godzilla came to new york by buying $ 50 worth of home pregnancy tests and running lizard blood through them .
yep , godzilla 's with children , which makes you wonder just what kind of creature would be horny enough to have sex with godzilla .
that 's until broderick explains that godzilla reproduces asexually , like linda tripp .
godzilla comes to us from the makers of independence day , so
it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots .
look no further than patillo 's betrayal of broderick
( patillo : what have i done , animal ?
what have i become ? ) and the climactic " godzilla 's nest " sequence in madison square garden .
the main difference is , independence day was about the experience .
it had a real global , patriotic element to it , and some genuinely fun characters .
godzilla has lots of rain and lightning , reptilian action ripped off from jurassic park and endless product placement from the likes of kodak , blockbuster , juicy fruit , swatch , sprint and bumble bee tuna .
yes , bumble bee actually paid to be known as the official tuna of godzilla .
that fact alone is twice as interesting as anything in the movie .
activated by words of four syllables or more lightning strikes other lame running jokes poor matthew has to do embarassing things please do n't tell me that 's the best line you could come up with gee , what are the odds it has a lot of dumb action scenes , destructive special effects and shallow subplots endless product placement