revise my personal story that answers the following question clearly and directly:

“Self-awareness is an important attribute – can you describe what aspects of your character have an opportunity for improvement – describe a specific time when you were able to learn from a mistake you made. Be specific with the example, who was involved, what you did and how it helped you to grow as a person.”

Use a calm, honest voice. Let the story build slowly. Avoid dramatic phrasing or self-praise. Focus on specific actions, emotions, and realizations. Let your vulnerability show through clear and unexaggerated moments. Reflect deeply, but keep the structure clean. Every sentence should serve a purpose. stay below 250 words.



<my personal story>

I've always been told as a child that I had a good temper, control over my emotions

I never get angry, even though both my parents have short fuses, and I stay level headed in conflicts, not letting my emotions consume me

or, at least. that's what I thought

this all changed when I got into a relationship with my first, and only life partner

what I realized was that my form of "good temper" was not high emotional eq, it was checking out and suppressing myself

the truth is that I wasn't in control of my emotions, I was suppressing them

that sort of good temper I had wasn’t from control and acceptance of my emotions, it was from emotionally checking out

I simply took myself and my mind out of any conflicts

whether it be with parents -- who I didn’t have the authority to fight back against --

or friends -- who at the end of the day, I didn't love deeply enough to fully invest myself emotionally

the catalyst:

this occured at a particularity stressful time for the both of us. we hadn’t had many disagreements before then, and we both never throught we could fight since we were both people who never raised our voices.

and some setting: when she was going through her hardest times, she had always bottled up things to herself, not wanting to burden her parents, and not wanting to be vulnerable to her friends. this time around she was going through some really difficult times. but, she was learning how to open up with me, how to honestly and vulnerably rely on someone else. trying her best to be understood. and. I decimated that effort.

I tried to listen, but in reality I was supressing my emotions and trying to emotionally check out. but, unlike my parents, who had authority over me whom I was indebted to

or my friends who I didn't truly love

my partner was an equal, and someone I cared enough about to be so emotionally invested. and these emotions ran high.

for the first time, I spoke with my emotions full and high. this was the first time in my adolescent to adult life I had fully laid my emotions bare and lost myself.

this didn't mean yelling or screaming for me

instead, this took the form of coming off as passive aggressive, pretending to "listen" but not actually hearing anything she said

trying to defend myself preemptively against accusations she had yet to even make, intincitvly attacking with my words to defend myself, hurting the one I loved most~ when all she wanted to be was understood

instead of being there for her, trying to understanding, I tried to check out, pretend I was emotionally a rock, and as a result I hurt her dearly

in the moment I wasn't even aware I was doing these things

but the second she pointed them out, I was snapped back to my senses

and the first time the day after I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself that I broke down in tears for the first time in years

now, this isn't a sob story, but it was that memorable of an experience for me

after the fact, I realized that I was letting anxiety and a fear of losing the love I had take control over me

by suppressing these emotions, and pretending I didn’t have them, they came back stronger than ever

the defense mechanisms my brain may have trained itself on back then didn’t hold up when it was the this level of deep connection, with my lover.

the truth is that I wasn't in control of my emotions, I was suppressing them

that sort of good temper I had wasn’t from control and acceptance of my emotions, it was from emotionally checking out

by emotionally checking out, I wasn't hearing the other person's perspective, I wasn’t present.

since then, while I have caught myself succumbing to the same flaws again, with each time I learn more about myself

I question myself whenever I begin to feel these emotions

I reflect on how they take shape in my body, what moment caused them

I revisit the situation in my journal later, trying to evoke the same emotion again

it's helped me pinpoint that much of my outlashes were a result of anxiety, and a fear of losing the love that I had ~ possibly from traumatic childhood experiences

from these learnings, I have been much more present in my emotions, especially in terms of disagreements

what this means for me is not "emotionally checking out" to defend myself when people didn't agree with me

it was being vulnerable enough to allow myself to feel these emotions of resistance

to act in wonder as to why I was feeling the ways that I did

when I came face to face with these emotions, and had the courage to honestly admit in an argument the ways that I was feeling in response to what they said

I vulnerably put myself out there

by being vulnerable and setting my partiality out on to the table, I was finally able to fully engage and empathize with what the other person was saying

Result



in the context of my relationship, I have had some of the deepest and most connection worthy dialogues of my life

she and I are closer than ever thanks to this

the level of courage it took to fully lay out my emotions to the one person closest to me is eons harder than doing so to acquaintances, groupmates, or strangers

Final reflection



what this experience has taught me was the value of being present and accepting my emotions in dialogue

while I still struggle with feelings of anxiety, and letting my emotions and partiality, and a fear of being open with how I am really feeling

the awareness and recognition of this flaw has been one of the most transformative realizations for my growth as a person