, I instantly go back to two scenes. One was the first summer break after I moved to America. That summer break we went to Dubai. The second scene is right before, while we were moving actually, away from the UAE to America. We were, you know, the flight we had to move was on his birthday. And in the car driving to the airport, he said, or it came up that it was his birthday, and I said, oh, happy birthday. Something casual. He's like, oh yeah, I just remembered, yeah, birthday, that's it. Later at the airport, he made a huge deal out of how we don't celebrate birthdays. And all I said was one word. I didn't even think or plan anything. I didn't get him a gift. I didn't. There was just, there was a lot of stuff that I should have thought of that I didn't, where all I did was react the way I naturally just reacted. That just wasn't enough for him. It was my first time I remember him setting a strong standard and really making a scene where he calls us out for not meeting that standard. The second one was summer break when we had family over. Everyone was chilling, doing their own thing, talking to someone. My brother was playing with the younger cousin. I was talking to my sister, and she was showing me succession edits just to show that we were all watching together, being my siblings. Later we start going for a walk, and I notice how upset my brother is, and I ask him what's up, and he says, you guys are not good siblings. Because she was showing me succession edits without including him, when he's the one who showed me the show. He's the one who showed us both the show. The very puzzling standard there that it hurt me so bad that I didn't meet it. To this day I don't really even understand what it is that I did wrong. But it impacted me very deeply to have just been myself and just look at the TikTok and to respond. To have someone who was watching and saying that actually you were doing something wrong in that moment, and there was something else you should have been thinking, and something else you should have been orchestrating, and you're a bad sibling, and etc. I mean, I always confide in it, I always say, I'm sorry, I'll be better, I'll never, I'll make sure this never happens again, I'll make sure to include you, I'll make sure that she, we don't do stuff alone, you know, I get so terrified in these moments because it feels like there's division and we're not all seeing the same face, we're all, it's like he puts all the guns to him. Now, years later, he hates how we're all confiding in each other in a way that others have. And it's something that's brought me so much turmoil, especially that first year when I moved to America. Every single day I was put in this weird position that was so painful to me. I uttered him and I pushed away and I was angry at him, but I also didn't want to break his standards, I wanted to meet them. So I felt like a slave to that. And now, oh my god, now all he sees is the fact that we haven't moved on yet from everything, that we're bringing context and history into this moment, that we're, we've got stirred up stories and prejudices against him, but that we're scared of him and that we don't like having him around, that he just doesn't see, he just, I don't even want to say anything about his position or how he sees it all because I could just be wrong and I don't, it's all so fragile and delicate. There's no right place to be. Pushing up against him is bad and completely surrendering to it is the least painful thing to do. But, you know, I have felt so defeated by this for so long. Some very scary conclusions that he put me in the place of, you know. The whole you're not good siblings thing, you know, that was there with the birthdays at the airport. You guys aren't good siblings. You don't think about our birthdays and we don't plan, make them happen. You give gifts and get excited and you guys aren't good siblings. You do stuff without me. You guys aren't good siblings. You ordered food without thinking about me. You guys aren't good siblings. You did this without me. You guys aren't good siblings. You, it's just, there's standards of what it means to be. I guess that's it. A sibling. A brother. As a brother, how I should be to him, to my sisters. He has some standards as how I should be as a man. But I care less about those. I don't really care about not meeting those. You don't like, you don't go to the gym. You're not outspoken enough. You're not masculine enough. I don't care about those at all, actually. They don't trigger me in any way. But when you aren't a good sibling, you aren't good at being a sibling. The thing is, it's never you personally are not good at being a brother. It's the group of us, all of us together. The three of us against the one of him is looking at us and saying, you three aren't good siblings to me. That he wonders why we othered him. It was so unconscious, but it was also so purposeful by you. I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Despair and helplessness. I don't even want to touch this matter because it's all so fragile. And I feel it in my chest, a thin veil. It's like walking on ice and could shatter at any moment. It's like... You have strong standards. And see, the thing is, this is a fragile mind where I don't want to stand on either position. I don't want to say, you, this, because that's... Right? But... You have such strong standards for what a sibling should be like. And you play those standards, you make sure you don't miss any... Actually, you do something, you miss them all the time and you get defensive about not missing them. But that's definitely not something I can say to you. That's the helplessness, it's being honest with you and telling you what I see in you. It's like I throw one punch and I get ten back, so I just... I feel so defeated, I feel that in my heart, in my chest. See, the fact that I'm talking about all this is so impossibly messy and difficult. Makes everything so much worse. Makes everything so much worse.