Date: 2005-01-12
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Miles today: 0.0

9:20pm1.12.05Today was one of those perpetually gray, overcast days. Fog permeated the air this morning, dampening the discordant sounds of traffic. The kind of day that can affect your mood, unconsciously subduing anxieties and inquietudes. I just feel very calm, very much balanced and at peace. Deep w/in the core of my being, I know, w/ an inherent, unshakeable certitude, that I am on the right path, in my life, at this moment. Maybe giving up my job, my potential long-term career, to go walk in the woods for half a year, maybe that life is alien to a lot of people. Maybe the decision seems irresponsible to some of my friends. But, we can¢t live our lives following prescribed routes, scripted existences. Each and every day, you make decisions, minute and momentous, that define who you are, and what path your life will lead. And it¢s never too late to change course. Is it scary? Hell yeah. Deviating from the established course is always frightening; there may no longer be a map to follow, to guide you. Sometimes you just have to have faith in yourself. Up through college, I adhered, relatively staunchly and rigidly, to the well-trod path, cleared of obstacles and brambles. Summer jobs served to expose me to various and varied fields, testing the waters for future career options. But, after graduation, I began to feel an increasing dissatisfaction w/ the ¢system¢. Eighteen years of cramming my brain w/ knowledge, random facts, useless trivia, and the ¢system¢ declared me fit to enter the ¢real world¢ to wreak havoc as I deemed appropriate. Maybe the protective bubble atmosphere of Swarthmore College didn¢t adequately prepare me for the reality of ¢reality¢, maybe I¢m simply genetically indisposed to the 9-to-5 lifestyle, but being thrust into the job market was terrifying. Sink or swim. Well, I dog-paddled along for a while, managing to keep my head above water. But I was struggling for survival, not floating on my back, basking in the sun. College was supposed to make this transition easier, dammit, supposed to give me the proverbial foot in the door. When I finally landed my first real job, for a while I felt like everything was as it should be, balance restored. But then, I found myself growing impatient, uneasy, dissatisfied. And so, I headed out to the woods, to the AT, to think, and reflect, and ponder, and identify my ¢true¢ calling. Well, that didn¢t precisely happen, but I got closer to the answer than I ever did before. My hike ended considerably short of its intended destination b/c of mental fatigue. And I found myself once again floundering in the waters of life, fighting to keep my head above water. Serendipity struck yet again, leading me to my current job, a long-time passion and interest of mine, learning how to build and reconstruct houses. A not-so-secret fantasy of mine is to someday, when I¢m incredibly wealthy and can afford to do so, is to design and build my own log cabin, out in one of the western states. A pipe dream? Yes. (You can¢t build a house w/o money, and you can¢t get money w/o a job, and I seem to be developing this habit of quitting my job to frolic in the woods¢¦) It¢s been an unbelievable experience, learning to see a house not as a single, solid structure, but as a fluid entity, composed of a multitude of interlocking members. And discovering how all these component parts are woven together -- its an art. But, once again, I feel this need, this compulsion, to move on, a magnetic, gravitational pull to return to the trail. But, I suspect that even if the AT wasn¢t drawing me back, I¢d still be moving on. I know it¢s bothered Mom and I confess it did me too, my seeming inability to commit to any one particular career. My initial excuse was that I simply hadn¢t found the right one yet. And, yes, that¢s definitely still a possibility. But, it¢s also a possibility that there is no ¢one¢ job for me. Maybe my life will be a series of stints. Maybe I¢ll just be a perpetual sampler -- a dalliance w/ archaeology, a stint as a caf© attendant, dabble in a little carpentry work, then, whoosh, off to the next door. And the thing is, as long as you don¢t close any of those doors behind you, as long as you don¢t cut yourself off from what¢s behind them, then you can only gain from the experience, draw knowledge from them to apply to future situations, behind new doors. B/c, opening all those doors, it lets a lot of light in, illuminating corners and crevices in your mind that may have become dark and dusty from neglect. As long as you learn something, nothing can be a total loss. I¢d carried such faith in the concept of the perfect job for so long, it blinded me to the much simpler, and more obvious, conclusion that it may not exist. For me. And now that I¢ve admitted the possibility, it just seems so clear. And all my angst and doubts so¢¦not immaterial, but excessive. Life is what it is. And it¢s different for everyone. You just have to locate your path -- it may be overgrown, you may have to forge into unknown territory, but stride forward unhesitatingly, w/ confidence.