Date: 2015-06-16
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0

I have been home now for about a week. I have to honestly admit there is little I miss about hiking the appalachian trail. I know that I do not want to return to the trail and continue my hike but still i hesitated to post this. Conclusion is so.. final. There is a tiny speck in the very back of my top drawer that still wants to walk north. As I have been waltzing around my home, turning on sink faucets for water, opening the refrigerator for fresh foods, turning on the shower faucets for a hot shower, any time I want, I am only thinking of the things I do not miss. I have spent time gardening and reading and cooking. I much prefer digging in the garden as opposed to digging catholes. I know that these luxuries would be waiting here at home but the truth of the matter is that I was simply done walking. The actual physical transportation of myself and my gear was my least favorite part. Even still, as I sit on my comfy chaise with my delicious, organic, shade grown, fair trade, freshly ground, fancy schmancy brewed coffee I can feel the aftermath of even my short hike on my joints. My knee, hips and ankles still hurt. Every morning when I step from bed I stagger on my still sore feetsies. My shoulders are still sore. It makes me wonder how the people who finish the hike, all 2178 miles, feel when they get home. With the exception of scenery every day on the trail was exactly the same. It took some time for me as a new backpacker to figure out and develop the routine and then not long after I had already gotten bored of it. It was the same each day. I think of the question I was asked while waiting to be picked up to go home "well, did you atleast have fun?" I had to think for a minute before answering. No. No I didn't. Its not that kind of trip.I feel sad or disappointed maybe in what I made my trip, how my experiences and who I am swirled and mingled together to create the mindset I carried like a burden on my journey. I ruined the opportunity for myself I think, by letting fear and negativity sit up front. As much as I tried, I was constantly telling myself to look from a different place, I could not shift my approach or my focus. Very early on in my hike news traveled up the trail of a solo woman thru hiker that had been sexually assaulted at one of the gaps. Though the information was all second hand she had evidently camped at a gap near a road crossing and several men followed her. Even before hearing this news I knew to stay away from easy access points, roads, parking lots, and any places frequented by partying locals. This kind of fear was not even on my radar before hearing that. After, it was hard to ignore. Every vehicle that slowed down when I was coming out of the woods to a road was a threat. I would listen to hear if the cars or trucks came to a stop or kept going. The trucks that were already parked at crossings were instantly suspicious. Especially if someone was in the vehicle and no one else was around. I remember one particular time when I was approaching a road and for the mile leading up to the road I hadnt heard a single car. As soon as I came into view here of course comes a vehicle. I judged the vehicles the same way I judged everyone and everything on the trail, threatening to non threatening. When I saw the car I actually had the thought that maybe I should dive into the brush to avoid being seen. That sounds crazy now and it felt crazy then. Perhaps completely unnecessary or perhaps my crazy and paranoia kept me out of a harmful situation. I didn't jump in the bushes I would be very careful when setting up my camp not to leave anything visible that could indicate that I was a woman. Before the trip I bought my two person tent not for the extra room but so that someone would not know I was alone. That was precautionary maybe but on the trail I was alert and aware of a hundred small details, self preservation is a full time occupation. The fearful person I was on my hike is not at all who I am. Not only did I have several uncomfortable encounters with men in towns I also got the sketchy vibe on trail lots of times. My mind would race through every detail. Men would slow down and give me creepy stares from their windows. There was nowhere to go, and it was always obvious I was by myself. I was always happy to be in big groups for the night, even if they'd be gone by the time I woke up. I heard of hikers being threatened by bums impersonating hikers, I heard of hikers being threatened by drunk locals. I would have rather taken my chances with bears truthfully. I underestimated the human element. You would think that spending 10 hours a day quietly alone in nature would present plenty of opportunity for reflection. Instead I constantly focused on logistics. Mileage, mph, water sources, water needed per mile, water supply for cooking, terrain, elevation gain, road crossings, parking lots, food supply, weather, fuel, toilet paper supply, bathroom spots, the list goes on and on. I was always exhausted. I told myself to stop thinking and focus on the natural beauty around me and sometimes I could and I would for a time, before the logistics came flooding back. Survival is a significant amount of information to manage. Even though I planned my hike well in order to mitigate risk the risks were still there. I heard of a woman who had to be rescued in the smokies who was hypothermic and was unresponsive when help arrived. The woman who got bit by the brown recluse. I talked to a woman who thought she had been drugged at trail days who woke up very far from where she was. I could go on but I suppose the truth in all of this is that risks and danger exist, both on the trail and in life. The trick I guess, the one that I could not master, is being aware of them and responsibly trying to prevent or avoid the risks without being consumed. Even the total of my fears, the hardships and sacrifices that come along with living in the woods, the weather extremes, the loneliness and isolation, the wildlife, and the physical demands, the soreness and pain were not enough to make me quit. I worked through all of that. I quit because I was exhausted. The sheer weight of everything was too much to carry. Emotionally and psychologically it had me pinned down and I was having a harder and harder time seeing outside of it. I couldn't enjoy myself even for a moment and the times were I felt at ease were further and further apart. It wasnt me. It just wasn't worth it. I started to think of all the things I would rather do instead and then it was all downhill from there. I slid down the slippery slope telling myself the places I had wanted to see could be seen another time, in a better state of mind, on a day hike. When I finally looked back I didn't have the energy to claw back and it was time to go home.I hope some of my raving adds some insight for those that are planning your own hikes. From my perspective here is my advice:Hike with a partner, I think I would have increased my chances of walking to Maine had I had the security and support of a partner. If I ever attempt a long trail again it will not be solo. Dont get me wrong there are parts of solo hiking I loved. Overall I think a partner is better.Know yourself. Be honest with yourself about what you are willing to endure. A long distance hike is not a walk in the woods. Freezing cold, sleepless nights, hours and hours of strenuous, mindless physical activity, bugs, snakes,blisters, poison ivy, blazing heat, high humidity, being filthy, exhausted, bored, scared, lonely. Repeat. Can endure and willing to endure are different.Get the right gear. Research, talk to an outfitter, connect with someone who has long distance backpacking experience. It could save your life. Have someone shake down your pack.Maintain your morale. Treat each piece like a treasure. Be social, make friends. It makes a big difference.I really enjoyed preparing and drying my food and receiving resupply boxes. Atleast send a few boxes to places where it's impractical to resupply. Send a roll of TP with any box. Its nice to have the good stuff. Gals, get a PStyle. You won't regret it. Not a Go Girl, Not a Shewee. A Pstyle. Your welcome.I wish I would have stretched more and done the yoga I wanted to. Make time. Take lots of pictures. Journal. Your time is fleeting. For me my hike seems like another lifetime ago. Already I can hardly remember the details.I didn't find the balance between hiking my own hike and putting in the miles necessary to get to Maine straight thru. I wish you luck there. Its tough, do not be too hard on yourself. Listen to your body. Be emotional, it's hard not to. Take breaks.Keep hiking. Keep hiking even when you don't want to hike. I hiked for two weeks after I had decided to quit. If and when you are done, be done. Forgive yourself any disappointment. Once you know, really know firsthand, how hard it is, any number of miles is a solid achievement. I researched extensively. I read countless books on the subject. I read trail journals. I talked to people who had done it. I had no idea, and could not have imagined, how difficult it would be. You have to hike it to understand.Please feel free to contact me through my guestbook, I would be happy to try and answer any questions. As much as I wanted to complete my thru hike I wanted to stop hiking more. I couldn't have done any of it without you. When I was low and it was dark you were all I had. Your encouragement and support mean everything, I could never thank you enough. Thank you for listening, for reading my stories, and for believing in me. I dont know whats next, I guess Ill have to find a job. :p. Maybe I will start working on my novel "How to quit a thru-hike" or "68 Days".