Date: 2003-11-22
To: code 5
Miles today: 0.0

The next few entries will be about a three night trip I took on the CT AT to test drive some winter gear and see where my pack weight is at. What I discovered was the gear I chose needed the littlest attention, while the emotional issues that came up need the most. These entries were made on my Pocketmail device, hence little punctuation and random capitol letters.Last night i was trying to breath life into an 11-month-old child. this was on the eve of a 3 day AT trip to test out my thru-hike gear. My fellow firefighters, ambulance techs, and i did our very best but the child did not make it. i was crushed. much time was spent at the hospital and the station after the call, talking about what happened. I got home around 11PM and resumed packing my aether 60. something was wrong still, something inside of me, not right, not expressed. i made a phone call and talked to a friend. A wave of emotion came over me and i cried my eyes out for 20 minutes. What came through my tears was that I¢ve never been so intimate with an infant. I have no children of my own and I usually don¢t warm up to babies. My motto regarding having children is, ¢better you, than me¢. This made a huge impression on me but I don¢t know what the outcome will be.The next morning I called my ride and said I¢d be delayed a while. Everyone at the rescue call was requested to go to a Critical Incident Stress Debriefing (CISD) at 9AM. At these debriefings everyone shares what they feel, what they did, etc. and we try to get it all out so nothing is festering in the back of our minds. We do this so we don't burn-out and it works well.I finally met up with my friends, fran and liz at 2:30 and they drove me to the trailhead. i started hiking at rt. 55 in CT and headed north. it was about 3.30 and the winter sun was low in the sky. i quickened my pace so i could get to 10 mile river camping area before it got dark. 45 minutes later i reached the 10 mile shelter and checked to see if anyone was there. there was one guy there named joe from nyc. i signed the register and struck up a conversation. the usual, where are you from? how many days are you out for? i looked down where he was sitting and saw wingfoot's guidebook. are you a thruhiker? he said "not yet, i'm hiking the trail in march". i explained i was going to thru in late feb. we had immediate kinship and the conversation went into gear, weights, start dates, what jobs we were leaving, etc. sunlight was running out so i excused myself and moved on a few hundred feet to the campsite. i picked out a spot and set up my nomad light, threw my ridgerest and bag inside and started on dinner. i hadn't worked hard at all to get here so i wasn't very hungry. ramen it is then! i also saved some hot water for my apple cider mix. That was a special treat. by time i ate it was dark. i hate eating and cleaning up in the dark... such is winter. at about 6pm i went back over to the shelter and talked to joe for an hour. it is great talking to other new thru hikers. the ramen noodles weren't sticking so i lowered the food bag to get something that would last me the night.Enter: peanut butter and a big spoon. yum that hit the spot.i have a 6'6''sleeping bag and i threw my boots in the end to simulate below freezing conditions. i also have the nomad fully open to allow a lot of circulation. Hopefully, this will prevent condensation while i sleep.   Nite all!