Date: 2016-04-04
From: Tri-Corner Knob Shelter

To: Standing Bear Farm Hostel
Miles today: 18.4
Weather: clear sky

Day 23We awoke to yet another very cold morning. Despite my love for the Smokies, it was time for me to end this relationship and move on. I looked at my guidebook to see how far I'd have to hike to get to a hot shower. The answer was 18.4 miles, to the Standing Bear Farm Hostel. Game on!After an initial climb, I began a long descent down to Camel Gap. At mile 225.9, I passed the barely visible plane wreckage of an F-4 Phantom jet that crashed in 1984. To date, there have been 54 plane crashes within the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. They are usually private planes flying in bad weather. The pilot becomes spatially disoriented, not knowing up from down, and hits the side of the mountain or trees.As I hiked that afternoon, the weather continued to improve, but I was growing weary. My feet ached and pain was shooting across the front of my left knee. At mile 236 I sat down on a log with Master Wayne. He was preparing to take a side trail and head home, as his section hike was over. Physically, I had bottomed out, but still had four miles to go to exit the park and get to the hostel. I wasn't in a good place. After a long break, with 2 hours of daylight remaining, I said a prayer, popped 3 Advil and stood up. I put my backpack back on and it felt like someone had added 2 bricks to it. I then slowly put one foot in front of the other and continued my descent, eventually walking under Interstate 40. After a tough, painful final mile, including some killer stairs, I staggered into Standing Bear Hostel just before sunset.Standing Bear Hostel is a really odd place. It's managed by Lumpy, a legitimate mountain man who's a mix between Swamp People, Duck Dynasty, and Deliverance. It's a wonder they aren't already filming a reality tv series based on Lumpy and this hostel. With a long beard and slow, drawn out speaking style, it almost seems like he's playing a movie character...but he's not. He's the real deal.After a brief tour of the place, Lumpy and I sat down on the porch of the old wooden bunkhouse for a chat. I learned that he got that nickname because he was a "fat kid". I told him I really liked his beard, and hoped that one day the mangy crop of Spanish moss on my chin would grow into something that impressive. He then proceeded to tell me a true story about his beard. Years ago, Lumpy agreed to let a local organization use his famous beard for a fund-raiser to raise money to pay the hospital bills of a sick child. The organizers used an auction format, and the highest bidder would get to decide whether to cut Lumpy's beard or preserve it. After several minutes of competitive bidding, a local businessman ultimately won out with a bid of $2800...and wanted the beard cut off. As Lumpy talked in his slow, Lumpy voice, I thought it was such a cool, heartwarming story of rural compassion. I loved how he willingly used one of his greatest assets, his beard, to help a sick child in need. But Lumpy wasn't through yet...not by a long shot. In fact, his tale was just getting started. He continued... "They brung me and my beard over to the gal with the scissors who would do the cuttin'." He paused for a moment and smiled. Then, in a higher octave, excited voice, he declared, "and that gal had the biggest hooters I've ever seen!" (He gestured just how large so I could get the magnitude and longitude.) I was speechless. We had reached the purpose for the story...the main take-a-way. It didn't end with a sick boy in a wheelchair being wheeled across the stage to hug and thank a teary-eyed Lumpy. Rather, it ended with a well-endowed country gal taking Lumpy's beard, but giving him a thrill in return.As for the hostel, your $20 gets you a bunk bed with a foam mattress and linens. There's a resupply store with reasonably priced, mostly not expired food (including pizza!) and other hiker amenities. There are laundry facilities...well, 2 tubs, a hose, a washboard, and soap to hand wash clothes, and a normal dryer. There's also the option to tent camp for a lesser rate, although at least 2 of the tent campers were drinking, smoking pot, and had taken 6 consecutive zero days in Gatlinburg to party, recover, and party some more. No thanks.I soon learned of 2 downsides to this place. First, the hot water was out, so my only option was an ice cold shower that took my breath and other things away. A hot shower, the very thing I had hiked a personal best 18.4 miles for, simply wasn't there at the finish line. Second, the port-a-john had not been emptied since Nixon was President, and was literally filled to the brim. Truly disgusting. Thankfully there was a privy by the camping area that could be used. (As I exited the next day, the new port-a-john was arriving.)After showering and doing old-school laundry, I ate a large supreme pizza, 2 cherry pie packets, a Gatorade, Diet Coke, Mountain Dew, and package of string cheese. I then shot a video clip, available on my Facebook page, of Lumpy and my hiking buds quoting Monty Python lines. Before going to bed, I weighed myself, and discovered that I had lost 31.6 lbs! I had reached my weight loss goal for the entire trip in just 23 days! It was a bit of a psychological boost to realize that I was no longer carrying around a "frontpack".As we laid there in our bunks and started to doze off, a rooster started crowing loudly. Lumpy yelled, "Sorry y'all...the bird gits his nights n days confused sometimes." It was the perfect way to close out a peculiar evening at a peculiar place. It will also be how we close each episode of the new reality tv show, "Lumpy at Standing Bear."Fob