Date: 2009-03-03
To: I'm scared!
Miles today: 0.0

      Until now, I¢ve largely suppressed both my thoughts and emotions about my upcoming journey. Part of this non-feeling was due to the start seeming so far away and having too much to do to prepare for it. Some of it is a defensive mechanism, resulting from my experiences in this life so far. I have a hard time getting excited about things, because I always seem to be let down.        Now, with time running out, and only a few days left of my familiar world, stress is building and emotions are flooding from the dam. The tears have begun. I¢m scared. What exactly am I doing? What am I throwing myself into and how will I react? I don¢t have the same excitement that the people who are starting the trail now are exhibiting. I don¢t feel ready. How will I get everything done? How can I possibly organize everything at work, clean my apartment, package all my food, compile my list of mail drops and parcel them out, find time to fit in work-outs, get my car tuned up, get to the dentist, compose the thoughts I have into journal entries, and suddenly leave everything I¢ve known behind to go live in the snow and sub-freezing temperatures -all in the next few days? How will I be able to get enough rest and still manage to get everything done?                Why did I procrastinate so long on writing my own journal entries, and spend my time reading about how everyone else was so far along in preparing for their own trips instead? Why did I get so obsessed with solving every sudoku puzzle I came across instead of practicing throwing a bear bag rope or remembering how to tie the knots that I learned and have now forgotten? I learned all about XY-Wing and Swordfish patterns, but what is that going to do for me on the trail? Why wasn¢t I trying to eliminate some of the weight in my pack or practicing hanging my hammock?        I thought that I was doing enough in order not to be under such stress now. I set my bills up for automatic payment, I¢ve anticipated rare bills that will have a due date while I¢m on the trail (such as my car insurance and registration renewal). I ordered a shipment of dehydrated food and spent a week hauling five cases of trail mix home on the train after work. I sent Erik on a mission to buy me 200 creamy peanut butter Think Thin bars, as the ones in the Whole Foods here have been sent back due to the peanut recall... I ordered my maps, guidebooks, and enough contact lenses for the time I¢ll be away. I started working out six weeks ago and until last week (when I only fit in a measly four), managed to do some form of cardiovascular exercise six out of seven days a week.         But there are so many things I have not done¢¦  I wonder why I am left with another painful injury to contend with that doesn't want to heal after I tried to do something better for my body. The gel insoles that I put in my hiking shoes while I walked around town one weekend ended up crushing my toes from lack of space, and after pulling them out to relieve the pain, have left me with a very bruised-feeling bottom of my forefoot for the past several weeks.    I'm also feeling very sad and confused about the fact that many people that I've told about this trip have yet to even acknowledge it. Maybe they do not understand what it is that I will be doing, despite my attempts to explain. I don't know the reasons behind the deafening silence, but it makes me feel so alone.    It has also come to light in the past week that my stable support system, Erik, may soon be moving to Europe for employment, as he will not have a paycheck coming in after May. I had planned to store my car at his apartment and have him send me my re-supplies along the way, but these plans seem to be imploding.It will all be okay, I know. It just all seems to be happening so soon¢¦ , so suddenly.