Date: 2003-05-10
From: Flint Mountain Shelter

To: Spivey Gap Campsite
Miles today: 24.4
Weather: light rain

finally caught up to cruiser. i went somewhere new today, beyond pain, dehydration, exhaustion, and delirium. i gave up on myself today after 17 miles. something snapped in me and i just started hiking. fuck the knees. i ran out of water treatment at 15 miles. luckily Chemo was at a campsite there and filtered me 2 liters. those got me to 19 miles, the next shelter, past the brutal uphill that broke me, that took me somewhere beyond all the suffering and fear, a place i call reckless despair. i'd talk about what i saw today but that misses the point. today wasn't about seeing the trail, it was about making miles, about hiking in my mind, about reaching cruiser. i saw reason on the trail and killed him. if you see him on the trail, kill him too. zero tolerance for that kinda nonsense here in this place. as dutch says, "there is no reason." oh, the 19 to the shelter killed me today. i reached the shelter and laid down near hungry hiker. he sang me beatles songs while i wondered how in the hell i was going to do 16 miles tomorrow to catch cruiser, when my knees were screaming right now. i don't think i'll even be able to walk tomorrow. i can't imagine 16 miles of brutal downhill. so f--k it, cruiser or bust. someone said she's only 4 miles at the next campsite. who needs water, or light for that matter. the sun just set, but i've got my headlamp. let's rock.left the shelter moving as fast as i could. popped 3 pills of vitamin I into my mouth. pain be damned. about a mile out from the shelter i started to cry. i think i'm a little strung out. and i'm scared shitless. i feel like i'm destroying my knees but i'm not stopping, i won't stop. why won't i stop? "cruiser or bust," blares through my head. i'm not sane, i'm just along for the ride. peed thick sludge. dehydration is setting in. next comes muscle cramps. i better make it to cruiser before then or else i really will collapse in the middle of the trail, alone, waterless, and hopefully alive by morning. f-ckit, cruiser or bust.made it to the downhill. almost a thousand feet per mile for 1.5 miles. too much. too steep. i'm run/walking downhill, looking like a little geisha, with my bent knees close together, taking little lightning fast strides. in the fading light i consider the challenge of hiking with a twisted ankle. they'll hold up. they've been good so far.after an eternity i reach the campsite. some a--hole shouts out, "WHO'S THERE?!?" like i'm a psycho killer. the kind that wears an LED headlamp. i can hear the fear in her voice but i'm pissed off b/c i'm dead tired and don't want to put up with this person's paranoia. when i reply, "it's Reason", i hear another voice introduce herself as, as, um, i can't remember. [it was ladybug] but anyway, she's friendly enough to say hi and let me know that cruiser is NOT here!!! she went on 2.2 more miles, to the next campsite. what is the matter with her? i'm gonna call her SuperCruiser from now on, 'cuz she's been pulling 15 or 16 miles a day like it was nothing. she used to do 12. i guess that means she's feeling much better, which is awesome, except for the fact that i'm dying, except that now i can't stop b/c once i do i won't start again. i sat down to rest a few miles back, just for a minute, but my knees almost locked up when i started. now i pace back and forth while talking so i'll be able to move when i start the 2.2.and i'm off and running. this is almost fun, this sheer recklessness. this freedom of movement and speed i haven't felt for as long as i can remember. i'm a different person with younger, stronger knees, at least for these moments. in .5 miles i make it to high rocks. someone says hi from those high rocks above me. i guess they can here me raving to myself. i've been raving for 7 miles now, pretty loud i guess. stream of consiousness. mind connected to mouth, unfiltered. wish i had a recorder with me, cuz i could probably learn all i ever need to know about myself by listening to what i'm saying. oh well. it's time to head down from high rocks. the last 1.5 miles. please let her be there. now i'm not just reaching her. now i need her. all i want to do is die at her feet. i need her to save me from myself. i guess if she's not there i'll just wing it.headlamp on, i'm a running geisha, twisting my way around rocks and over roots, checking for a set of stone stairs to the left of the trail. these stairs mean i'm almost there. just imagine if i go to far. then she'd find my corpse in the morning at least. better than dying .1 miles behind. sh-t! my right quad is cramping now, tearing up my knee. i desperately shove peanuts into my cotton mouth, hoping they'll help my starved, withered muscles keep going. and it seems to be working. yes! so i keep trucking and finally see stone stairs. the campsite should be here, but it isn't. there should be a stream, but there isn't. only a field and no people. f-ck. i'll just keep going until i find somewhere to lay down. just a little further. she'll be there. cruiser, where are you? wait! i think i see a fire. people! deliverance type people? no, thru-hikers. and that silouette looks like cruiser. i'm saved saved saved. i think the second word out of my mouth is water. i'm just pacing back and forth and i have to explain to the hikers that once i stop moving that's it, that's where i stop. cruiser is really happy to seem me. can you believe that? does that make sense? not to me, but regardless, now i feel special and really warm and fuzzy. and watered. and fed. and i'm going to sleep, if i can ever flush this adrenaline out of my system. i pop more ibuprofen then is sane and pray to walk tomorrow. but even if i can't, at least i got to tell cruiser that i missed walking with her too. and right now that means as much as katahdin. sure, that might sound crazy. but katahdin is crazy too. and if you take enough acid you'll see that it's all pretty crazy. it's up to you to choose what kind of crazy you want to be. as for me, i'm just going with my own flow. goodnight. i love you.