Date: 2015-09-21
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: moderate rain

Last night, someone from my hometown sent me a picture of the trail register on top of Harmon Hill, in Vermont. My entry read, "Red Panda wants dry socks."Red Panda has been luxuriating in NOT WEARING SOCKS AT ALL for a while. AND NOT EVEN SHOES. Until my internship started, anyway. Now I have to wear boots as part of my uniform. My freakish feet grew so much that my old boots (which are caked with salt from when I went walking along the road in the wintertime to train for the hike) don't even FIT. They squish my weird misshapen toes.Speaking of toes, my toes look so much different than they used to. It is so weird. I think my little toes might have actually rotated a bit...AND MY FEET. The other day I came back from a run, took a shower, and noticed that the layers of skin on the bottom of my feet had started PEELING. All of those hard-earned callouses are coming off. It's really weird. Also gross. Also, it makes me sad that all of those callouses, along with the muscles and strength that I gained, are slowly disappearing. That's not to say that I'm not still fit. I have noticed that it's easier to bike up hills that killed me last year. Running makes me ridiculously sore, as my legs struggle to endure a range of motion and speed that they're not used to.But it won't last forever. My hiking muscles are no longer in near-constant use.I am slowly adjusting to a non-trail diet. IT IS SO HARD. I am still always hungry. I bought some carrot sticks and celery this weekend (also some M&Ms... shhh... I have resisted opening the bag so far...). I am also trying to exercise regularly, and with lots of variety (biking, hiking, running, doing a YouTube exercise video of random things). I did yoga with my new roommate, Susan, yesterday, and it was kind of terrifying because my body and muscles are so tight that I can barely move. Susan is in half and I can barely bend past sitting. AGH.Anyway, seeing that picture of my trail message made me sad. I really do miss the trail. I love sleeping in a comfortable bed (though it is extra hard to get up in the morning), and taking a shower (or two) every day, and eating fresh foods. But I miss being outside, I miss that feeling of physical and mental accomplishment at the end of every day, that feeling of progress, of getting somewhere, of being able to add up the miles and being able to track my way up that trail, knowing that I was constantly getting closer and closer to Katahdin. Life has hit back hard. My internship is ridiculously busy during the week. I was afraid that starting in would be overwhelming and terrible - going from the company of a few friendly hikers to dozens of rambunctious children. The group we had last week was great, though. They were patient and wonderful and it feels like I fell right back into place how I was supposed to. The group of fellow interns and rangers here is amazing and wonderful, and I have had enough time to study my programs beforehand that I haven't felt totally blindsided.During the weekend, I struggled with knowing that I should be working on job hunting and resume building, but sitting in front of the computer for so long makes me miserable. Also, I never know where to start. I don't know what I want to do! I'm sure that I will eventually find something, but I still have to work to get there.I miss the trail and my friends. I miss the excitement of grocery shopping after a week of wilderness hiker hunger, and I MISS MY M&Ms. I haven't had an M&M since... I don't even know. And no pizza, either (though maybe this weekend).I do feel different. I can't particularly say how, but I do feel it. I'm not the same person that I was last year. Even though coming back to my internship sometimes feels like I never left, and my journey on the trail never happened, I think that I feel calmer. I certainly don't always feel like I can take on the world, but I don't feel as constantly worried about what I'm doing, and the future.Whenever I am having a hard time resisting the urge to snack, or feeling anxious about a program, I tell myself, "YOU HIKED THE FREAKING ENTIRE APPALACHIAN TRAIL. YOU CAN DO THIS."It is not always as effective as I might hope. I ate a lot of snacks this weekend. Whoops. Those baby steps are turning out to be very, very small... HOWEVER, keeping busy at work usually keeps me away from the snack-attacks. Oh, how I love snacks. I had a dream last night about Jim (I AM CURSED). Or at least, with Jim in it. We were hiking, and raking along the trail for some ridiculous reason, trying to maintain it, and he was complaining the whole time. Pretty funny. I'm thankful that I got the opportunity to hike the trail without him, because I never could have done it with him. Things happen for a reason, maybe?I am hoping to get out and camp or backpack this weekend (Gertrude is SO READY), time permitting. I also have to force myself to just sit and job hunt, though. I don't want to be a real adult, but I do want to be able to buy groceries and gas without wanting to cry.Luckily, I have an amazing Maine family here, and life is good. Until I eat all of those M&Ms in one day and make myself sick, that is. I'll try not to let it happen...I am extremely thankful for my friends and coworkers, for leftovers and apples and pears. I am thankful for a comfortable bed (seriously, the bed I slept on here last year SUCKED). I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THIS PARK. There is an amazing 3-mile loop I can run, and a 10-mile loop I can bike. Also, it is just plain beautiful. Seriously. I am LIVING IN a NATIONAL PARK. If I start to complain too much (which I probably will once it starts to get cold... sorry, mom), smack me in the face.