Date: 2008-10-21
From: Icewater Spring

To: Mollies Ridge
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: few clouds

There were 2 parts to my day today.Part (A): The plan was 13+ miles to Spence Field Shelter. Once again my left foot took over the hike. Today I thought about the complexities involved with me admitting that I am in pain. Sometimes in moments of mental weakness I want the attention from the crew. I want them to acknowledge my determination to finish the trail. I want them to see through the smile on my face and call out my bluff. It's not that I truly want these things. I just get frustrated with myself when I disguise my pain well enough that they must not recognize that I am suffering. I guess I am admitting to my struggle within while trying to play a tough guy on the surface. I thought about my father and brother allot today. Again it was related to my pain. In 28 years I have never once seen my father admit to being hurt or sick. I have seen him with broken bones. I have seen him fall to injury. I have seen him after having an epileptic seizure... never once did he give an inkling that he was suffering. My mom used to always tell us that my dad did not call in sick to work in 20+ years (or ever for that matter). He never let injury or ailments get in the way of his job. Growing up I looked at my dad as a hero in this respect. I felt as if I were part of a strong bloodline. I have always been proud that my dad is tough... I definitely wanted to be as strong as he is. My brother also has always set a high bar for tolerance regarding suffering. It's not necessarily the tolerance for pain itself, it's more the tolerance in admitting the pain. My brother maintained a reputation in my home town as well as at the high school we both attended, he was known as a tough guy. I have always tried to keep up with my father and brother. I recognize (especially now) that I have an extremely difficult time communicating where my pain is or how much something hurts. I have a hard time accepting pity or help. Even when I'm choked up in the throat and tears might be forcing a glassy tint over my eyes... I revert to playing tough guy. I feel like a hero in one respect for expanding the tolerance, but hate myself in another for not just breaking down. These are some of the complexities involved with my pain. My foot is absolutely killing me.I don't plan to change my ways. I'm proud of my father and brother and of myself. In the end I never regret keeping quiet about or covering up my pain. Most of the time people over react anyhow. I feel that my threshold is just before truly needing medical attention... perfect. I wouldn't keep hiking on my foot if I felt that I was causing permanent damage. Things are no better, but no worse. I can make it to Springer (last mountain summit of the AT) in my current condition. I am extremely mindful of my foot and taking all precautionary measures to keep it from getting any worse.After this journal entry I will not write about my pain any longer. I feel like I'm complaining and reaffirming the injury. The road to recovery will start in my mind.Part (B): Yea... Spence Field Shelter at just over 13 miles. I had fallen behind the crew by about 300 yds. I saw a wooden sign that said "Spence Field Shelter 0.2 miles". Great, I was almost there. My foot had just about had it and I was hungry and tired. So, 0.2 miles... 0.2 miles... 0.2 miles. I walked for 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, where the hell was the shelter? I actually had my hand on my camera because when I reached the shelter I wanted to ask everyone on film about what they thought of the longest 0.2 miles ever. After another 10 minutes with my hand on the camera (I felt like an idiot) I realized that something must have gone terribly wrong. I must have passed the shelter. I guess the wooden sign that said 0.2 miles was pointed toward a side path that led 0.2 miles to the shelter off trail. I stayed on the AT and continued to hike south... far beyond Spence Field. Once I accepted that I was indeed far beyond the shelter I decided to just keep hiking south until ! the next shelter. While walking I began to mentally organize and prepare on being alone for the evening. Some things that went through my mind:-I was sharing a stove with Tree Slayer for my freeze dried dinners. I must figure out a way to eat them without a stove.-I have no water pump. If the water source is not a pristine piped spring then I must use my emergency Aquameira chemical tablets (which take 4 hours to purify water).-I left my head lamp on inside my pack yesterday. I have extremely limited time left in the batteries. The sun will be gone soon and I must get to the shelter before dark.-As the sun continues to drop the temperature is dropping as well. It will be in the 30's tonight. I must get situated asap.So I hiked faster than ever. I reached Russell Field Shelter 3.5 miles (in under one hour) beyond Spence Field Shelter. Russell Field was closed due to aggressive bear activity. There were signs everywhere prohibiting anyone to stay on the camp site. I met a south bound section hiker named Nite Lite at Russell Field. I asked him where he intended to stay for the evening. He said he was staying at Mollies Ridge Shelter another 3.3 miles south of Russell. He also told me to get my water at Russell before moving forward because Mollie's water source was dry. I thanked him for the good advice and ran 300 yds. down a steep hill to Russell's water source. When I got there I found a puddle filled with sticks, leaves and bugs. The water was flowing but had to be treated. The time was 5:30pm when I got to Russell Field. I felt the adrenaline begin to flow as I raced the sun and attempted to remain safe and clear headed. I chose to run back up to my pack. I pulled out 2 freeze dried dinners and added the clean, cold water that was left in my Camel Back in to the dinners. My hope was that if I hiked the last hour of the day with the pasta soaking in cold water that it would be soft enough to eat by the time I reached camp. There was still a little bit of clean water left after constituting the meals. I savored the small amount of water and swished it in my cheeks knowing that it was the last sip for at least 4 hours. I ran back down to the water source and filled my 2 liter Camel Back and 32oz. Gatorade bottle with the yellowish, debris filled water. I added the chemical tablets and rushed back on to the AT.There was a 1000ft. climb within the 3.3 miles to Mollie's Ridge. I flew up it. The importance of getting to camp before the sun fell took precedence over my foot. I was still hobbling but I managed to move at almost 4mph. I made it to Mollie's Ridge Shelter at 6:40pm. The sun was just about gone and the temperature had dropped 15 degrees since Spence Field. While hiking I enjoyed the mission. It was an adventure within my AT adventure. There was risk and high stakes involved. I enjoyed the challenge and the need to improvise. Once at Mollie's ridge I set up my sleeping pad and bag in the shelter. The freeze dried meals were just about ready to eat. I added the spice packets to them and continued to organize my gear for the evening. By the time I was situated at 7pm the meals were perfect. They were freezing cold, but edible, and they didn't taste that bad either. I am going to sleep slightly dehydrated but after 9:30pm my water will be safe to drink. I feel good. I avoided disaster and managed to jump a couple of hurdles. Tonight was fun and exciting.I will wait here to see if the group can catch up with me in the morning. I am now 7 miles ahead of them. I hiked 20 miles today instead of 13.Tomorrow we hike down to Fontana Dam where Spoon's dad will be meeting us. Spoon's dad is going to drive us in to Knoxville TN for the evening. We will also be visiting Spoon's mom to pick up Check. Tomorrow is the last day of the Smokey's.I have not showered for 7 days! Also my one set of clothes has not been removed from my body or washed for 7 days!~Santana~ "by myself but not alone