Date: 2008-06-18
From: RPH Shelter, NY

To: RPH Shelter, NY
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: overcast clouds

slept like a rock, but it did cool off to 56 degrees. I didn't set my alarm, but still woke up @ 5:30 because of the birds. I decided then, considering how tired I still was and just feeling blah overall with a headache, to just chill today and focus on readjusting my attitude.Perhaps my body and mind just need some time. So today's entry will be "Hiker Psych 101."Everyone always says, if you're thinking about getting off the trail, then just go into town, get cleaned up, take a few days off, and don't make any decisions right away. Well, I'm perfectly fine being here in my hammock, I don't really need to be in town again...actually at this point I'd prefer not to be, so I'm choosing to modify that advice and just take this day to rest (and maybe order some more real food), so that I can lend all of my energy to my thoughts and working through this mental roadblock that I've hit.So you all know this is the first time this has happened to me in such an intense way out here. People have all sorts of reasons for going through this, and I can't say I've ever heard of a (now) deep seated fear of getting hit by lightening being the main cause, so it makes me feel a little weird, but that's nothing new either. I've always been weird. And I suppose it's not just the storms tugging at me. It's also that I can not trust that I'll be able to move quickly enough to get down off a mountain if I had several miles to go. I'm just not a fast hiker, and everytime I try to go fast, I end up falling, which is not good.Then there is the homesickness issue, which I think plagues a lot if not most hikers @ some point out here. I'm in a very different place in my life this year, than I was last year. I was actually quite angry last year, and it was that anger that even got me out here to begin with...I knew I needed some time to figure things out. Anger is not always bad if you can channel it and use it for positive purposes, so last year, it was what fueled me through those tougher days. Now, I'm not really angry, and my home is a sanctuary all on its own, that I find safety, peace, happiness, and calmness in, along with sharing it with a most incredible partner. So I ask myself, why am I here and not there?I remember sitting @ my desk in Michigan, reading trailjournals, and anticipating my turn. I remember reading that a hiker would be maybe even where I was, or maybe around 500 miles left, and (I think it was Chardonnay) was doubting whether she wanted to continue. As a reader, I thought, "No! You are SO close, look how far you've come, don't quit..you're almost there." I even left a guestbook comment encouraging her and trying to get her to remember what it was that brought her out here to begin with. I didn't understand how someone could be so close, and still consider quitting......but I do now. When reading at home, the "hiking day" is over when the entry stops. You (often begrudgingly) go back to the television, jobs, family, showers, responsibilities, and comforts of home. Out here, it's a non-stop reality of living on mother nature's turf, with an ocassional repreieve when you hit a town for resupply.See folks, on paper, in numbers, even looking at a map..in other words, all of the abstract ways we can "see" the trail...I'm really close to the end. I've hiked over 1400 miles so far, which means I only have about 760 left..or so. Less than 1000. My brain tells me, my gosh..you're ALMOST there! But, when I wake in the morning, and start stuffing my sleeping bag in its stuff sack, it is an entirely different situation.The trail takes on a concrete physical form, one that requires enormous amounts of energy to do just basic tasks. One that by now, you know you will experience pain today, you will sweat and be out of breath today, one that then has the ability to force you to be in dangerous situations as well. And after one day of hiking is all said and done, and you're completely exhausted, you've only managed to take a tiny little 15 mile chunk off that remaining distance because it's the best you can do. And to be quite honest with you, it feels like you're NEVER going to make it.Because you live in the present, your brain doesn't have a sense so much of how far you've already come. The days, the miles, the routine all blurs and it simply feels like you've been doing this forever.And I even broke this thing into 2 years, but will admit that I never allowed myself to mentally check out 100% from the trail..over the winter, so in my head, it really still feels like I've been going non-stop, since March 12 of LAST year.Many of the things I set out to do last year, I have done..and there were even some things I did that I didn't realize I needed to do. I don't have my career totally figured out, but I have a direction now and that's a start. I've found peace with how screwed up the world appeared to be to me..it's still screwed up, but this trail has proven to me that there are still good people out there, which I did not believe anymore.So I'm not searching any longer, now it has become a matter of finishing what I started..which I always do even if I don't want to. This one reason alone doesn't have a lot of power for the long haul, so the past 2 days, I've been searching within to find new reasons to continue.Here's what I have so far.1. I'm homesick, but Karen is going out of the country soon to teach, so she wouldn't be home anyways, so I might as well be out here2. I know what it's like to wonder what is ahead, and I've got this (probably last) opportunity to find out.3. In the larger context of life, I'm only looking at possibly 8-10 more weeks (less time than Marine bootcamp), and shorter than that till I'm in Monson, ME, where Karen is joining me for good. No more good bye's and the homesickness issue is resolved.4. I know I would feel like shit within a few days of getting home because I'd be looking for yet another "get me by" job, and I'd know I could have been out here taking it day by day to see myself on Mt. Katahdin within 2 months.I have been trying to imagine that day..as a way of convincing my brain that yes, there is an end to this. I just wish I were a bit closer so it seemed more within my grasp.So I got up aroud 9:30 a.m. and met Furniture (MA) and his girlfriend who just came out and is hiking to the end with him. Thud left our 3 pieces of pizza for me, so I gave it to Furniture and his girlfriend. They were most appreciative, and I was glad to give them a treat. It was nice talking to them, and then they left.I decided to eat, I was starving afterall. I sat at a picnic table and just stared @ my hammock, the trees, shelter, and tried to find the joy in it all again. I'm so glad I rested today, my head is killing me still. Then I decided to replan my remaining leg into Salisbury, CT. I came up with a good plan and will be there Monday instead of Sunday..no biggie, because I need the P.O. anyways.Then a day hiker named Tom came by. He left again, and several hrs later he was back for his car. We sat and talked a bit, and I found out he has taught in a NYC inner city school for years and he's "one of my people" as in he's very into social justice issues. He teaches black history (as a white man) to black kids. I asked how that was recieved, and he said because he's lived there, survived riots, and has been so deeply involved with this particular black community, it is no problem, but he is aware of a boundary that he knows he can't cross. So interesting, and I get it.We also talked about how the biggest demographic of hikers out here are white (we've both met African American hikers as well as other races, but it's mostly whites). I told Tom I think that speaks of the privilege we exercise as white people in our country. He agreed. I mean, I had to work 3 jobs to save the $ to do this, but I had the resources to be able to pull that off. Often times, it is easier to gain access to resources based upon race, sexual orientation, geographical location, gender, class, educational level, etc. Nobody wants to admit that, but it's true. This is why it is an amazing time to have both a woman and a black man involved in running for the highest office in our country. Regardless of the outcome, we are witnessing a moment of growth in our toddler of a country's history.So this was a good conversation for me to have today. I looked @ my hammock, tarp, gear, the bank card in my pack, my clothing...and realized how lucky I am to have this amazing opportunity. Even so many of you who read my journal are not and maybe will never be able to embark upon such an adventure. So who am I to forget this, forget the hours of work and preparation I put into it, forget the sacrifices of others so that I could do this, forget all of the gestures of kindness and help that I have recieved for over 1400 miles.Who am I to ask of my partner to deal with everything at home, including opening my mail, going to the outfitters to buy me a few things I need, and also withstand the loneliness just so that I can walk and endure everyday?See folks, in life...perspective is everything. It is what makes a situation bad to one person and good to another. In general, I've managed to keep perspective out here, and I'm really good at it back home in "real" life. I've lost it though..these past 3 days. I think about hiking and I get a nervous pump in my chest. It feels like my brain is saying, "Oh no...not THAT again."I do know that I don't stay in funks for too long, because quite honestly, it's WAY too exhausting to be down. So, I'm getting more good rest tonight, I'm getting up in the a.m., and I'm hiking tomorrow. That's my goal for now...just 1 more day. Then I'll try for 1 more after that until I find my rhythym again.I did order some linguini bolognese ad a salad for dinner tonight. It was good. Storms started @ 3:15 p.m., ad I forced myself to lay in my hammock and tried some good ole Pavlov conditioning by reading a science magazine, and each time I felt myself getting tense and distracted, I'd stop, relax, and re-read what I just missed. It's bee raining all evening and it's pretty cold too. It's in the upper 50's @ 6:52 p.m., and thundering again. It's the nice kind of storm though...nothing violent.I ate dinner with Dark Horse, a Chinese man living in Minnesota. Nice guy, and I found out he's a automotive technician, so we talked cars for awhile (I used to be one too and then I taught it). Kinda fun.So I'm tucked in with all my clothes on, and it's raining ad very chilly. Oh, Peterman ad Panda showed up too..they slackpacked so they're back in a warm dry house tonight. Lucky dogs...I'll be seeing more of them, we're moving @ the same pace. Well, back to hiking tomorrow.....I can do this for 760 more miles right?~Certain