Date: 2005-11-08
To: The far horizon and its reflection
Miles today: 0.0

I have never kept a journal of any length for an extended period of time like this. It is a new experience for me to look back and read my previous entries like if I was an outsider reading another¢s life story. I can see the ways in which my own perspectives have changed from the first entry. The once called ¢dream¢ of the AT changes its meaning to me almost daily. Some days I see my future hike as an escape from my life as it is now and a step into a life of simplicity and necessity. Some times I feel like it is just a fantasy that I play in my mind over and over, in order to gain a sense adventure. However, I can see it as what it is; a LONG a$$ walk. But I do not want to go on just a long a$$ walk. I want to test myself.The expectation and the anticipation of a future long distance walk have improved my sense of self. I can now work a semi-stressful job that many find to be over whelming, and still be a positive and pleasant person. When I feel my tensions rising I just imagine hiking the AT and coming a point where I am so down I could quit. Then I ask myself if there is anything that I can do right now that could make me feel better and I search for it. This is the mental training that I hope will work for me next year on the trail. This is something that I hope to test within myself. I am writing this entry now so in the many months to come, and the hundreds of miles that I have yet to walk, when I come to that point where I am so low, I can read this and fight for that next stretch of ground. Or¢¦¢¦¢¦. just laugh at how silly I was!I do not go hiking now as much as I wish I could. The main challenge in my life now is finishing this house which in my mind has become my mini trial that has been started and needs to be finished. Today this place looked like little Mexico as it has many times since we first started our remodeling endeavors. The major work such as roofing, framing (big stuff), drywall, plumbing, HVAC, and electrical we contract out. I have a lot of respect for these guys; they work their tails off on this place. For example, the framers had removed and replaced the sheathing on the roof in three days and today they got all the drywall up and ready for mudding. We have 1 month left to finish and it is a tough uphill stretch.I have repetitively altered the gear I plan to take. I have switched packs 3 times, sleeping bags twice and looking for yet another. Everything is getting smaller and lighter. I have a hard time getting rid of gear because I think I might still need it. However, the more I read and learn the easier it is to let go.Sometimes I wish I could be around the trail community more often. Maybe this hike wouldn¢t seem so far off if I were. I read books, and journals, watch videos and try to spark bits of conversation with people that are not aware of the AT. It is surprising how few people know about the AT and thru-hiking outside the trail community. Occasionally, I meet someone who has hiked pieces of the AT and they inadvertently remind me of how little I actually know. And there are things that I won¢t know until I do it myself¢¦¢¦¢¦.. I miss hiking¢¦¢¦¢¦¢¦.