Date: 2010-09-10
From: Gorham, NH

To: Monson, ME
Miles today: 183.4
Weather: overcast clouds

I am afraid to write this journal because it will make me very vulnerable to the reader. But I think the whole truth about the trail is important to know. It is not all smiles, sunshine and laughter. The trail is brutal. It helps to be smiles, sunshine and laughter but it is hard to stay that way.In southern Maine I reached my breaking point. I didn't take a zero after the Whites and my joints were killing me. Walking without poles for almost a thousand miles hurt my joints. My hips, knees and ankles painfully ached and throbbed. But I had to keep moving. Arriving in Maine August 31st was the only option in my book. I hiked Mahoosuc Notch with fervor as I needed to finish the notch in an hour and a half to make it in time to meet my mom. I loved Mahoosuc Notch. Working my way through caverns and boulders was a blast. Clearly climbing with my whole body is when I am most happy on the trail. It was half a skilled climb and half eyes shut say a prayer and hope your foot lands in the right spot. I completed that mile - the toughest on the AT - in a hour and ran up the arm. Well, running is an exaggeration but I did climb it. I met my mom and slacked for five days enjoying the creature comforts of home. This was a bad idea because it made me remember what it is like to have all of the food you could want at your fingertips. Showers everyday. Mom's pie. Unfortunately a gift was given in commemoration of my birthday and it was something I did not want. The thought was nice because it was a map of the Appalachian Trail but because I was in pain and unmotivated and entirely unsure of whether or not I'd finish I most definitely did not want the map. I also could not escape the trail as hikers had infested my parents home. Some were lovely house guests and others were what I like to call entitled hikers. An entitled hiker is one that thinks they deserve to be waited on hand and foot while my AARP-card-carrying mother runs around serving you. I have never been so embarrassed to bring home guests. It is easy to like someone when you only see them for a few minutes everyday. It is very difficult to like someone when you see them behave rudely in your home.And then the floodgates opened. I cried for hours and hours. I cried in bed, on the trail, in the shower. I didn't know what to do. So I kept hiking. I should've taken a zero, watched some General Hospital and eaten ice cream. When I left I wasn't in a good way. I think I cried the whole way up Saddleback and was convinced I was going to quit when the rain came in sideways. That's right. I said the Q word. It is not in my nature but I felt it. I had walked from Georgia to Maine. I was nearly a 2000 miler. What was the point of going to Katahdin? I wasn't sure anymore. Once I summited I was surrounded by a group of Indian tourists. I took their picture and they took mine. Then they discovered I had hiked from Georgia and freaked out. I felt like I was back on the beach in Goa with the Indian honeymooners taking my picture with them. For a brief moment I was a celeb. Then they all shook my hand and told me they were proud of me. I can't say this instantaneously cured my blues but it sure helped. I did have a few more meltdowns on the trail and a sleepless night but I am still on and about to enter the wilderness. 114 miles to go. I hope I can do it. I'm going to try. This has been emotionally and physically exhausting. I am so grateful for all of your support. Thank you.