Date: 2013-11-07
To: The Future
Miles today: 0.0

I think I can finally write about the end now.I summitted on October 9th, 2013. There is a wonderful picture on that journal entry date now, of me enjoying my glory. It was a large crowd. It was one of the happiest days of my life. Also, one of the saddest. Soon I¢ll write about that day in all of it¢s glory and sadness. That¢s not what this entry is about though.This one is about what has happened since. Not even really ¢the end¢ so much as an explanation for you all. I¢ve been remiss in my journal because so much happened from the moment I stepped on to the summit of Katahdin, that I haven¢t even been able to think things through. I¢ve been writing things, but what I¢ve written wasn¢t meant for you all. I summitted Katahdin by myself. Alone. But with almost all of the people I held dear to me. I was missing one person though who I truly cared about. Roadkill had summitted a few days ahead of me, and was waiting for me in Millinocket. This happened due to several things, but one of the biggest was that she left me during this time to hike with some other people. So when I got to Millinocket I saw her again. Which was both wonderful and terrible. Because things between us had changed, things had happened and it was¢¦ what it was. In the end, we had to part ways, which was more my decision then hers. Which was, looking back at this all, a terrible mistake on my part. It wasn¢t all my doing for sure, but that decision was mine. When you love someone, you should never let them go. Even if it¢s the right thing to do, you shouldn¢t let them go. Because love is important.A fellow hiker told me something that really rang true. ¢I haven't been in love in so long I finally felt safe enough in the context of the trail¢. The trail did amazing things for so many of us ¢ taught us to be self-reliant, honest, real. Taught us to love, to cope and to make hard choices. It also left so many of us heart-broken ¢ either for the people we loved, or for the places and things we¢d done and seen. Everyone falls in love, and I don¢t want to turn this into a pity party of one, but I just felt the need to explain a little why I haven¢t gotten myself together and written about the end. I had so many people support me on here, and I¢ve felt guilty not telling you what has happened. Because I barely can believe what has happened. What is still happening.I knew leading up to the end, what Post-Trail Depression was. I¢d had it last year when I came back. I¢d had plans on how to combat it, I had plans for what was going to happen when I got back and the things I was going to do. She figured into those plans, and when those plans got shattered, I sort of fell apart. I mean really fell apart in a very appalling fashion. I came back and was in pain, both in my heart and in my body. The heart bit you know from above, the body not so much. Awhile ago, back in Lincoln, NH I had gone to a doctor because my knee was swollen. I came back and it still hurt terribly. I went to a doctor, who had it MRI¢d. Turns out I¢d walked the last 400 miles or so with a stress fracture in my knee. Explains the pain in my body. So for now, I¢m not allowed to walk more than a mile or two (until December at least)I¢m somewhat better now. I think. Maybe. I¢m at least mostly together. I haven¢t crawled into a bottle, and I¢m not drowning in my own sorrows. I¢ve been going to job interviews, seeing a few people and trying to get up and keep moving forward. Because that¢s what we all have to do ¢ keep moving forward. City Slicka called me a few days ago and imparted this wisdom on me ¢ ¢Keep busy. Keep walking. I won't tell you it gets better, it just gets different. You just have to keep getting up everyday and start moving.¢ So I¢ve been moving forward. And part of that, is getting this back together.I want to thank you all. Every single one of you who has read this even in passing over the last 6 months. I¢ve missed so many updates that in places it¢s embarrassing. But one of the promises I¢ve made to myself is that I will have every single one of these pages filled out in the next 60 days. I owe that to you ¢ and to myself. I don¢t want to forget anything from this experience. There are so many people who helped me in so many ways, I can¢t even begin to count. There were people who donated to me selflessly. I have to thank you personally, and will be doing so very shortly. I¢d like to pay that forward, to other hikers, other people who follow their dreams. There were people I met along the way who gave me food, support, rides or even just kind words. Your help was just as important.My friends and family at home deserve a thank you as well. They never stopped believing in me, or my craziness. They might have shook their heads at some of the things I¢ve done, or wondered just how off my rocker I really was, but they never stopped believing. Ever. And that is a great and wonderful gift.I could keep going. I could write all kinds of things in this. But here I¢ve already rambled on for two pages and I¢m no closer to saying what I really want to say to everyone out there who read this.Thank you. So very much. For believing in me when sometimes, I didn¢t even believe in myself. Thank you for your support and your love. For your help in the troubled times. Thank you for everything, for sharing this journey. I know it¢s not the last one we¢ll share together, and I hope to share it with you in person.The only other thing I can say is this right now: ¢An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, and circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle. But it will never break.¢ I¢ll be okay in the end. Maybe things will get better, maybe they won¢t. But I¢ll keep getting up and putting my boots on. I¢m going to update all the entries here. And I¢m going to hike again. PCT in 2015 perhaps? VA AT in my spare times off of work? Who knows.All I know is I learned to love this year ¢ the Appalachian Trail did that for me. And you all helped. Thank you for that ¢ everyone.