Date: 2007-08-23
From: NYC

To: Pawling, NY
Miles today: 0.0

I managed to overcome my exceptional hangover just in time to catch the 3:45 train back to Pawling. Unfortunately, the town has no motels or bars (at least within easy walking distance), so here I sit in a public park drinking, writing and getting ready for bed. Tomorrow I'll start a 6-day trip to Delaware Water Gap which will take me into Pennsylvania. After that, I'll start the month of September a mere 192 miles from the official halfway point. It's a tremendous milestone, which brings me to the contemplative dilemma (internal debate) I'm in right now.Tomorrow will be the beginning of an entirely new phase of the trip. Once again, I'm 100% by myself and feeling farther away from home than ever. Seeing Peace Train and Blaze again was phenomenal, and I'm proud to say I have 2 new lifelong friends; however, seeing them also reminds me of how lonely I am now, and the fact that both of their hikes are over makes getting back on the trail nearly heartbreaking.Seeing my family was similarly bittersweet.Though I miss them a lot and really enjoyed my visit, it's easy to get caught up in the grandiose adventure of the trail to the point where you can forget that everyone else isn't on a life-changing quest as well. Remembering what normal life is like and knowing that were I to quit now, I could be home in 2 days, makes the thought of giving up now so easy.After all, I've already hiked 750 trail miles, and that's a huge accomplishment. I know that if I quit today, no one would question my bad-assery, especially right after completing the Connecticut Challenge.When I contemplated quitting way back in Maine, I knew I'd have to explain to everyone why I wussed out so early. Now though, I don't have the threat of failure to keep me motivated to go on. If I only had another 500 miles to go, the decision to stay on would be a no-brainer. I could easily see the light at the end of the tunnel and be done in a few weeks. So I think the best course of action will be to acknowledge that this is a new phase and treat it like a new beginning.When I was depressed in Maine, I told myself to slug it out for 2 weeks even if unhappy, then after that anything goes. Similarly, if I slug it out another 2 12 weeks I'll be halfway, and I can then decide whether or not to go on.Until then, I'll stick to the plan of crying, drinking, pounding out miles, calling mom, and doing whatever I have to do to stay focused and get there in one piece. I hope sooo badly that the weather is nice tomorrow, getting up to hike in cold rain will just about kill me right now.On a more POSITIVE note, there's a new adventure that might happen regardless of how my thru-hike ends. Before we all got incoherent yesterday, Blaze mentioned that his friend Steve has gotten his knee surgery and is already planning his next hike in the Alps. Apparently, those two are talking about spending a summer starting in northern Italy and roaming mountaintops in Europe. The vast majority of the cost will be airfare, so if I ever find out what I'm doing with grad school, I can get a skymiles ticket a year or so in advance.Nothing's set in stone, but the thought of another hike in another mountain chain makes me just giddy with anticipation. Of course, at some point I have to start real life, but this will be a much shorter trip and should be able to fit into a grad school schedule. We'll just have to see about that.Anywho, fortunately I'm developing the ability to understand why I feel any certain way, which means I take all this talk of quitting with one enormous grain of salt. I doubt I'll actually get to the point where I can't go on, but so far it's been very constructive to analyze the worst and darkest sentiments both aloud and on paper.Oh well, suck it up princess. Onward to Pennsylvania.Thanks for reading.   ~ ObiePS: time to get back to business