Date: 2015-11-08
To: Challenges of the trail that almost sent me home
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: overcast clouds

I have decided that the hike is DEFINITELY like a pregnancy.Every difficult part is forgotten by me and now I am just cooing over the baby.I have been reading some of my journal entries and remembering stuff that I have conveniently shoved aside in my brain. And I have also been reading Lil Mermaids journal-and some of the real fun stuff (like hypothermic conditions) is coming back to me.There were a few conditions and situations on the trail that made me think about leaving it. The secondary lightning strike that left me with burns, and ears that are STILL ringing- there was a moment after that while I huddled under a sideways tree in the cold rain for shelter from the storm, realized how incredibly lucky I was to be alive, and pondered the idea of going home.My multiple twists and one bad sprain on my ankle, a serious fall that left both thighs completely black and blue, more falls, and then few falls. Falling. That was awful. The slow sit down falls, those were not bad. The fast forward SPLAT falls, so fast there was no time to put your hands out, those just made me feel lucky that my head somehow miraculously missed a rock. The twisted ankle falls- those were definitely the worst and the most demoralizing. After one such fall, I stayed down, clutching the twisted ankle (which was still seriously sprained) and cried and told myself I couldn't do this hike. In the next town I got high boots hiked on. Hiking through the pain of injuries.The rain. We had lots of rain, and cold, and wind, and lightning. NEVER did I enjoy putting on cold wet clothes on a cold wet morning. But I ALWAYS enjoyed getting into my dry tent while in those conditions and getting into my dry wool base layer I used for sleep. And getting snug in my bag and reading a book while the rain pounded my tent and the wind blew.The most challenging part of the hike for me- and something that took me by surprise because it never occurred to me- were the days that were tedious and boring. The days that you packed up your gear, took a few steps on the trail, then said-I don't want to do this all day long. I would say things like- this is so boring-why am I doing this-what is the point of this- I'm so bored I'm going to scream, everything looks the same. This happened to me in the Shenendoahs and again in New York/CT for a bit. And then the random day here and there all the way up. I met more people going home because of these kinds of feelings than for any other reason. Trudging through the Green Tunnel. It looks the same, but if you really pay attention, it isn't. I believe that this is the aspect of my hike that I ultimately benefitted from the most. Dealing with those feelings, learning how to be alone, finding value and beauty in the "ordinary" things you see between the views- that is what I think about now. When I think about my hike, I don't think about the views, I think about the walking through the green tunnel. I think about the extraordinary experience of being still, quiet, and part of. If I felt the tedium on the trail, I just focused on putting one foot in front of the other. And in talking to other hikers, I realized that we all experienced that. It is part of the challenge, a big part.Another big challenge that sent lots of folks home, and almost me too a few times- missing people. I missed my kids and my husband so much. If they had EVER said anything remotely encouraging me to come home when I was feeling down, I probably would have, especially when I really hurt myself. But they never did. They always encouraged me to wait and see how I felt tomorrow, The wanted me to do this thing. Hiking the AT has many layers of challenges, even the toughest terrain is the least of them.and I don't think every hiker will experience it the same way. I met a few people (not many) who NEVER felt the tedium of hiking, I met a few who missed nobody, and a very few who never fell. But most people I met experienced these things.On my hike, I thought about the possibility of going home many times. But I never seriously considered quitting in my gut. I would think about it, feel the warmth of the possibility, and then dismiss it. The good days outweighed the bad in a big way, the challenges, once I pushed through them, made me appreciate my experience more and made me more committed to finishing. Gotta go through it.