Date: 2003-09-28
From: Stream

To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0

It is raining in my tent. No, I do not have holes in it, and I have not left the door open by mistake! This is a phenomenom one gets when you have a single-walled tent. The condensation from your breath and body temperature build on the inside ceiling and walls. Then, when a rain drop hits the outside of your tent, it knocks tiny droplets down on you. Thus....rain inside of your tent.And it has been raining inside of my tent all day long.Bumpkin and I both woke up about 6:45 this morning. Something was throwing stuff at her tent! When we finally heard the angry chatter of one of the resident red squirrels, we both burst out laughing. It started to rain and Bumpkin said something about that being the equivalent of a snooze button, so we rolled over in our respective tents and went back to sleep.When we woke up again, it was 8:30 and rain was falling steadily. I did not have the heart to get up. Bumpkin and I agreed that she was going to leave me this morning so that she could try to cover the entire 75.5 miles left in the Wilderness before our families fly in. I am going to proceed to the nearest bailout point at my own speed.Being the dedicated hiker that she is, she packed up all of her stuff in the rain and I left the warmth of my tent to hug her good-bye. As we clung to each other weeping, we both apologized. She wants to hike, but she doesn't want to leave me. I just wish that I were the kind of hiking partner that she deserves. When she finally walked off into the rain, I climbed back into my tent and stayed there.I didn't have the heart to attack those rock climbs in the rain. To tell the truth, I didn't have the heart for anything. So, I promised myself that I would get up and break camp when the sun came out. Periodicaly, I would peek out at a cold, wet world of black trees, green moss, and grey sky. I can't imagine anything less inviting, yet at the same time, more fitting to my frame of mind. It is now 7:00, and it is still pouring. I lay here all day long alternately reading, napping, crying, and thinking. I am trying to make sense of all of the things that have come to head in the last few days, and I think I have made some progress. But everytime I think about my parents, I feel so horrible. They are flying up to see me climb Katahdin, but I can't even finish the last 100 miles of this journey. There is something very wrong with that. This was not supposed to happen like this! Too many people believed in me, and too many people paid a price of one kind or another for me to be out here...and I am failing!When I came back out here after my surprise visit home, my mom said that she felt like I was 60% done. By that, she meant that I was 60% done with the lessons I was supposed to learn on this trip. If that is the case, I do feel like I am almost there. There has to be a bridge between the way I feel now, and the success and pride I want to feel when I am done. I know this is meant to be hard, and I know that this is meant to be painful, but I also know that I am going to come out of it feeling good about what I have done...Knowing that I have acomplished great things within myself, and feeling a great sense of pride and strength. I have worked hard for that and I deserve that, and I am not coming home til I have that.So, I have a week to get it together and figure it all out. Strangely enough, I am looking forward to the hike tomorrow...rock climbs and all. By tomorrows journal entry, I should be closer to the end of my hike, if not the end of my struggle, and that feels good. Now, if only the sun would come out.....Love, Anna aka Mud Buttwww.trailjournals.com