Date: 2006-04-15
From: Fontana Dam

To: Mollies Ridge
Miles today: 11.3
Weather: overcast clouds

I'll have to fill in the time we spent in Fontana Dam later. I have a more pressing issue now. I've darted around it for 3 weeks, but I'm not happy with how this trip is going. I don't feel like it's my trip and that's because it isn't. It's our trip, but the problem with "our" trip, wspecially when your a threesome (and the other two are a couple) is that someone doesn't get what they want. Between our pace, our breaks, our stops, our stay overs nad our sleeping arrangements it just doesn't seem to be going how I thought any of it would. So, I find myself faced with a collosal decision. Surely, if I maintain this level of unhappiness for th erest of the trip it would be worse than if I hung my head in shame and returned home. However, that is not an option either. It'd be easy to go home, but God saved me a few days ago on those hills and again today on the Smokys and in the depth of my heart I believe I am out here to prepare myself for what he has in store for me. So, I need to figure out a way to fix this. I once told a psychology reasearch group my best skill was confict resolution and in a lot of ways I think that's true. So, if I was giving myself advice I would first tell me that emotions don't indicate as much as people tend to think, and also that they can create an allusion of a larger probolem than really exists. So, what are the facts - ther reasons behind the unhappiness?1. I feel that I'm pughing so hard, and I would rather have a more relaxed pace.2. I feel there is a lot of pressure to finish ASAP, which is influencing us when it comes to days off.3. I feel compelled to not step on B or H's toes and sometimes I won't even get water when I want because I don't want to make them stop or have them think I can't keep up4. I'm lonely and while I wanted this solitude it's difficult to watch H and B interactMore or less those are the things causing my continual unhappiness. It's been 3 weeks and some days are better than others, but mostly I'm still about the same things ok, so now what do I do with the facts? How can I take control of this trip for myself and get out of it exactly what I need? Praying helps but I need to address the specific problems I listed. It seems so easy to say "go at your own pace" but then I hold them up, and they're always waiting for me, and I feel shitty about my pace. You know what this is too much to sort out tonight. Tomorrow I'll re-read this and see if I have any advice for me. I called K. It was hard for him to hear me, but we know I was upset. He said he thinks about me a lot and he misses me more than he thought he would (which I agreed with). He said when I come back maybe we should make it official. I was surprised at how happy that made me. I know I care, but I don't have a good frame of mind for this. It would be so easy to go home after the Smokys. I did one month. K and I would be together. I could help my dad, but damn it, what about my chance? I said in high school I wanted to be the next Thoreau, and I want to take this time to sort out my thoughts while I can. Tomorrow, we'll see if I can't make some emotional progress.