Date: 2017-04-03
To: Day 137
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: scattered clouds

December 8, 2016. Let me count¢¦ 4 months, 14 days, or 137 days. My countdown is in reverse. I have nothing to look forward to. Last year 137 days meant until I left. There was planning, anticipation, anxiety, excitement, wonder! This year, 137 days means since I finished. It is December. In Vermont, winter is settling in. It will be cold this weekend with highs approaching 20 degrees. I go to work five days a week. I come home in the dark. I go to a fitness gym as much as I can and I hike on the weekends. This is a far cry from how many miles will I walk today? Where will I wind up? What¢s the weather gonna do? Maybe someone will have trail magic at the road crossing? If I need a break, I could hitch into town for coffee or something. Who will I meet today? And of course, what¢s for dinner and how much can I eat! I miss the trail. I miss meeting people who instantly accept me, who have funny names, who share the common goal of reaching Katahdin, of a challenge, the adventure of a lifetime. I miss Grandma, Large and In Charge, Slug, Six Legs, Gingersnap, Magic, Bigfoot the Good, The Big O, Jensen (what was his trail name?). I miss the Trash crew, the Rat Turds, Monkey and Merlin (Love conquers all Merlin!). I think about One Feather, Lost Pony, Quick, and I can never forget Phat Sister, Digger and Butter, Skittle and Dutch, Hubbell, the first thru hiker who I met at the train station in North Atlanta. We shared a ride, night zero in Dahlonega, got our picture taken together on Springer Mtn, crossed paths once more just south of Franklin, and never saw each other again. We both finished!!! In nine days, I will be equidistant in days from December 17, back to Katahdin (July 24), and to Springer Mtn on the other side (March 2). I can tell you something about almost every day I lived from March 2 to July 24, 2016. Outside of my daughter getting married, I can barely remember what I did from July 25 to December 8. WTF???I read posts on Instagram and Facebook. I keep up with a number of my trail friends in that manner and by text. I see their pictures. I post my own. Mostly of hikes I¢ve done or events with my family I guess. We thru hikers have a common thread. We all miss it. We all did it! We are badass rockstars. We are humble and know something most people never will. We are resilient. We love being dry when it is pouring out. We aren¢t nearly as hungry as we were! I stay connected through Appalachian Trials, through blog posts by Toast, Dutch¢s summary video which I¢m proud to be in. I can see what people are doing with their lives. Divergent interests, different paths. Pendexter is in Seminary school, Grandma is moving to San Francisco, Magic got a real nice buck in Ohio archery season, White Rabbit is a freshman at Swarthmore, Tenderfoot and Lays are getting married, Renaissance bought a van and never went to college, Santa and Wonder are adopting a five year old, Digger fell in love and travelled cross country. PCT next year they say! Wish I could go.After four months and change, I think I can begin to draw some conclusions, settle on some stuff I learned. Maybe the biggest is how locked into my life I felt before I left but never even knew it. At 54 years old, I stressed about a lot of stuff, money, my kids safety, my health, job security, working for the full retirement benefit. Since I¢ve been back, it¢s different. One of my hopes was to be more relaxed, stress less. While I haven¢t mastered that, I believe I am noticeably better at it. I don¢t sweat the little stuff as much, I don¢t try to control absolutely everything. I totally avoid the drama at my job, it doesn¢t get me anymore. LIKE!! What if I didn¢t work my full thirty years? I¢d have less money and more time. In a year and a half, my son will be out of college and I could really consider that! Do I have the guts to quit my professional job knowing full well that it¢s unlikely I would get another? I am a thru hiker! I can do anything. It will be OK, right?Another thing I learned is that maybe time is more important than money, maybe living in the present has more value than planning for the future? If you like sports like I do, you probably watch some on TV. ACC basketball, Red Sox baseball and Patriots football all have one thing in common; financial companies love to advertise to guys like me during games. ¢Follow the green line to your retirement dreams¢, ¢people don¢t plan to fail, they just fail to plan¢. How about this? Fuck Fidelity and fuck Prudential. I¢m a good saver and I¢m pretty sure I¢ll never have enough money to retire with a boat on the lake, two bath tubs at sunset, and an unattainably hot middle aged woman seducing me into taking Cialis or whatever. I¢ll settle for my pickup truck, my kit, and the girl I¢ve been with for 30 years. Maybe I¢ll be a short order breakfast cook, or put my counseling degree to work behind a bar? Work six months, hike the other six, try living in different parts of the country. I am a thru hiker. I can do anything, and it will be OK! (Posted in April 2017. Had to think on this awhile.)