Date: 2006-03-08
From: Cable Gap Shelter

To: Fontana Dam Shelter
Miles today: 6.6
Weather: overcast clouds

Short day today. It was either go 6.7 or go 17.abillion to the first shelter in the smokies and neither of us were feeling up to it. So we had an enjoyable day. Hung out with Moleman and Dave and then Mrs. Gorp. came by. We eventaully made it to Fontana where Troop 102 from Texas was about to start hiking for a few days. I threw the football with them awhile just to see if a month in the woods had deadend my spiral at all, but it was still there as I almost ripped one poor kids head off. We had a good time with them as they were totally enamoured by our ability to hike to there from GA and that we were actaully attempting go to Maine. So we told a few stories and felt famous for a few more minutes until we decided to take off. We eventaully made it to the shelter which was beautiful overlooking the lake. I wanted to swim and was about to till I felt the -30deg water and quickly changed my mind and just sat on some cliffs by the lake for awhile and pondered my strange existence. "God must thwart us to save us", "God must thwart us to save us" over and over, this little annoying powerful quote ran through my mind. "God must thwart us to save us". To thwart means "To oppose and defeat the efforts, plans, or ambitions of." So God must defeat and oppose my plans to save me? But aren't my plans your plans Lord? Are they not the same? Then I had a revelation.. Nope, There not... I try to fool myself into believing that my plans are his but if I am honest enough most of them aren't. I continously play tug-a-war with the rope of control over my life with God and I lose everytime. I want control so badly.. I want to do things my way! I want to love this person Lord, I want to go and do that Jesus, you can fill in the blank for your own life we are all the same just difference in scene and with different characters. But then God pulls his side of the rope and the thwarting ensues. And this my friends is one of the most painful process's on earth. The God of all love and comfort, telling you "No it's not your time", or "No, trust me this once, I know best." As I kick and scream and frail like a baby for a last frantic attempt to again try to manipulate God into having things my way, God asks the question "Well son do you trust me?" AHH!! I hate that question. I want to say yes, so I sound good, but something inside of me tells me to be careful. Why is it so hard for me to trust him? AHH!! I want to so bad..I truly want to. But for some reason that is beyond me I think I know best. Maybe I don't trust him because I have been hurt so many times by others, abandoned by those who are suppose to love me the most.The majority of the time I feel like the third servant in Jesus's parable of the talents. The Master gives talents (about thousand dollars) to each servant. The first servant doubled the 5 that were given to him, the second doubled the two that were given to him and finally me the 3rd burries it and just gives it back to the master upon his return. Which doesn't sound that bad, he played it safe. But here is where he went wrong, "he didn't trust the master's heart"! (thanks to Eldredge for this idea) The servant says "I knew that you were a hard man..So I was afraid and went out and hid your talent in the ground" Is that where I am now? After all that God has done in my life up to this point and I still doubt his perfect and loving heart? Please Lord be gentle as I am brittle