Date: 2013-03-22
To: Long one!!!!!
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: overcast clouds

So I want to elaborate more on yesterday¢s post regarding the reason for my hike, and the dates I¢ve chosen. So this is a long one (and in no way grammatically correct) ?Well as I stated yesterday my purpose for this hike is to complete a journey. I¢ve known completing the AT would be part of my life for some 19 years now. It¢s like yesterday that I went on my first backpacking trip with my ¢Gals¢ as I refer to them to my male friends. When I was around 21 I went backpacking with a group of ladies and one other guy from Mississippi (My home). I was so excited to join them. I still remember the day we were headed out. My mother dropped me off, and stood around talking to my friends that she had heard about, but up until then had not met. She was nervous. I mean I am her baby, and she let them know this. She looked at one of my best friends in life and said while tears came into her eyes, ¢Pam, you take care of my baby¢. She hugged and kissed me like always and told me she ¢Loves Me¢. Then it was time to set off. It truly is great to belong to a family who still says, ¢I love you¢ and hugs, and means it. I don¢t think there is a person on either side of my family who doesn¢t do this. When I hear my friends say that they never hear this, or they don¢t hug it saddens me. What a great gift you can give your family. Even when we don¢t see eye to eye or we are upset, we always say ¢I love you¢. At least I do, because my parents thought me it was ok, and natural. Also if anything ever happens at least the last thing you did was let the other person know how your heart feels even if sometimes your head says something else. Ok back to story: On the first day of backpacking I was already hooked to this. Although I learned on this trip that a change of matching clothes for each day is overkill because it weighs your pack down, and you¢ll be laughed at by the girls, it was still the greatest day. After going up the ramp on Clingmans Dome and looking at the amazing vistas, I started hiking towards the trail we were going to start on. When I got near it, I saw several friends taking pictures at the wood plaque that said Appalachian Trial. What was this Appalachian Trial? I asked one of my Best Friends in this life ¢ Kathy ¢ what it was. She explained it was a trail that went from Georgia to Maine. Then she said it¢s like over 2,000 miles, but we are only doing 2 miles of it. Wow I thought in my mind that would be exciting. I thought about it a lot on that trip. It was the start of my love for backpacking, and a bond with these ¢Gals¢ that I now consider family. God really blessed me on that day. So over the years I¢ve backpacked and hiked with this group of ladies, and they have truly made my life better. We have been to Montana (Glacier National Park), Zion, Bryce, Grand Canyon, Waterton, and many time to the Smokies. So brings me to 2001, I was in community college at the time, and September 11, 2001 had just occurred two weeks before. I left school as usual, and then came home for a short nap before work. I remember this day just like I remember my first day of backpacking. It¢s stuck in my brain forever. My mom came in the door and I awoke from my nap. I had been on the sofa. She had been out shopping for my nephew Dwayne, my sister Toi¢s youngest child and only son. She was so happy to show me the things she bought for him. Then she said something out of the ordinary for her, ¢Jeremy are you cold?, turn off the A/C¢. I know, why is that strange? Well it was hot out that day. And we keep the air on most of the year usually. It was just strange and hit me wrong. I then got up, told my mom I loved her, and kissed her by. I can see her on the chair looking at me right now smiling. I left for work, but still couldn¢t shake the feeling that something seemed wrong. Later on I tried to call mom, and no answer. I called again, still nothing. I then asked my supervisor if I could leave early cause I had a paper to write for school the next day, and he asked that I wait on the next shift supervisor to ask him. I worked a split shift and answered to two people. Both great guys, so I knew it wouldn¢t be a problem. I did have a paper to write, but was more concerned that mom was not answering the phone. As I left work I called again, and still no answer. As I drove into the driveway, I had a awful feeling, and It scared me to open the door. I don¢t know how I knew something was wrong but I just knew. When I opened the door, I called out to her, but soon as I saw her I knew she was not alive. My whole life dropped meaning at that moment. I could see her purple toes, and purple fingers. I had worked in Hospice several years so I knew what a body without a soul looked like. My mother had left her body, and was now part of God and everything that makes up God. I want go into everything that occurred that night and the days following, but two things. I know she died peacefully. How? Well my mother had a habit of falling asleep while watching movies. She had been watching ¢Save the Last Dance¢, and her eyes were closed. I held on to her as long as I could until they took her away. Also, that was the first time in my life that I wanted to die, and saw no hope in life. Pam and Kathy were the most amazing help over the next few months for me (still are), but really then. My family was amazing as well, I attribute this to us having our mother whom we all loved so much. Over the year I finished my AA degree in accounting, we sold my mother¢s house, My father passed away on June 6, 2005 as well (although his was one that was more prepared for),I obtained my BA in Accounting, then started my Master¢s in Business. I never felt like I was living. Ever. I still felt completely empty without my mother. The only thing really that made me feel alive was hiking, or kayaking in the swamps, or backpacking. The AT had never left my thoughts, so I decided since the only thing that seemed to make life worth living was the outdoors I would go hike the AT after I finished my MBA. It¢s funny but I feel very close to God and my Mother in nature. I told my friends and family and started planning for a SOBO AT thru-hike to happen in 2007. Man was I excited. All I could think about was the hike. I wanted to live just for this. So I set out for the hike in 2007, and as my previous journals have stated I failed. In 3 days. Hit depression again¢¦¢¦. I know I failed because I was scared, and rushing, and just really not ready, and life for me was a pity party. I managed to get myself together enough to go out west to Glacier National Park with my Gals later that year for some hiking, and only one time up to this point have I felt so close to my mom and God as when I hiked away from the group and went up to a peak past Poia Lake. It was an amazing view that overlooked the valley that my Gals were coming up on. I could see each of them, and I thought for a moment this is how God and my mom see me. I looked up and raised my arms and a strong wind came rushing by as if my mother was holding me in that moment. I started a new job when I got back as an Auditor for the State of Mississippi, and also started my Master¢s in accounting program. Then several years past still feeling empty, and I headed to Atlanta to start a life with someone after a year of dating long distance. One month in I got dumped, and asked to move out. I managed to get myself together enough to do my job, make friends here that I love, and gain 35+ lbs. It¢s been a rollercoaster for me here, but I¢ve managed ok. Then on December 31, 2012 I went caving with a group of guys from WNG. It was an amazing hike in Tumbling rock cave, but the past week and a half I had been suffering high blood pressure, pain in my spine, and no sleep. The depression and stress from work had caused me to have a major panic attach, that I thought was a heart attack. I went to the ER when I made it back to Atlanta, and was in until Jan 1, 2013. After $15,000 in test and my doctor telling me I need to get my stress under control, I realized I never wanted to feel this way again. Not for anyone, or anything again. I had to find a way to come out of this, so I started with my weight, and posting notes on my mirror that I tell myself each morning and at night before bed (positive affirmations). I started eating healthier, and even tho I was still depressed started going to the gym again. My goal was 175 by end of April. Every day seemed to be a little better; I ended up adding a scripture to my affirmation notes (Psalms 119: 25-32). And I¢m glad to say that I now weigh 181 as of this morning. Part of my being unhappy is my job. I don¢t hate it, just don¢t like my work. I want go into detail, but I¢ve been dealing with an issue with work for 2 and 12 years and three weeks ago I realized it will not change or get better. I left a meeting the last day of my attempt to work it out, and realized the only stress I had anymore was work. Why was I allowing this? I called my family as you know, and told them I was quitting. Then several days later it hit me that I¢ve been trying to figure a way to get back on the AT and complete this journey I know I¢m meant to have. Then I began thinking more about why, what purpose, how is it going to complete me. I can talk about all of those later in another ¢long¢ entry¢¦lol but the one thing I realized in the last week and a half is that I wanted to start on my Mother¢s Birthday ¢ April 12th, and end on September 25th- Her 12 year anniversary. On that day I plan to lift my mother up and let her free. What do I mean? I mean I¢ve been holding on to my mother¢s death for so long now, I haven¢t allowed myself to live fully. To make the choices in life because I know what¢s best for me. I¢ve always done things because it was things I thought I could do to make her life better. Even though she has passed, in some crazy way I felt, ¢If I go get a education in this field that I can make lots of money in¢ that life would mean something, that if I bought this stuff, or became something that I thought I should be to make her life better before her death, that somehow it was making her ¢Being¢ after death better. Sounds crazy, but this is my rational for life these last 11& 1/2 years. My dreams have been a image of what I thought would make my mom happy if she were still alive. And I¢ve failed to realize this was me putting dreams that didn¢t exist in place of my own life and dreams. My mother would not want this from me, but somehow I¢ve warped my thoughts and made a world that doesn¢t exist. It¢s wonderful when you have that moment in your life that you realize, WOW, I see clearly. I see the past, present, and future for what my soul calls out for, for me. Not some imagination of living that my mind has created. My change this year has been one of much progress, and I¢m truly happy in life again. This has been a long time coming. I know this trip will not be the end to self revelation; my trip began on January 1, 2013. This is just one of the paths that I need to complete my journey to the end of my own life. I told a friend recently that the first time I set out to hike the AT I didn¢t really see myself finished. I mean I couldn¢t visualize it. I saw me hiking, but not the end. This time tho I see myself, not in a memory, but in like a painting. Where I¢m staring up and seeing myself next to the sign in Maine that reads Mt. Katahdin. I¢ve realized this year you have to see yourself at the end. Sort of like when I say my positive affirmations. I see myself being those things now. When I saw myself being happier away from my current job situation, I saw past saying, ¢I quit¢ and seeing myself giving lectures and speeches to help others, when I see the hike now I see Me at the End.Although I¢m not some uber Christian, I do believe in Christ and all he has done for me. I¢m truly grateful for the amazing life Christ Jesus has given to me. Even the valley, and now I¢m ¢Climbing Up the Mountain¢. Man if y¢all could only here a 70 year old blind Pentecostal Lady sing this song like I have (Sister Fraser ¢ UPC Jackson MS). Later