Date: 2017-01-16
To: I'm not dead
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: haze

I am on the brink of an impulse decision.Red Panda has been dormant for a while, all sad and sleepy, dormant while life kicks me in the butt.I'm trying to be a productive member of society. I might have, just a little, not quite gone about it in the best way.Last spring, I took a job in Hartford. It seemed great. It started out great. But then reality started setting in. Living in a city? Hartford, of all cities? My little apartment is great, but... otherwise it's kind of crushing my soul.Concurrently, my health started to decline (maybe my digestive troubles are some sort of weird karma? I'm not sure what I did to deserve it... but I just want to poop like a normal person. Is that really so much to ask???). Anyway, it's improving (I had an X-RAY the other day for the first time... pretty cool) and I may at least be better soon.2015, with the AT, was probably my best year. It wasn't all wonderful, but, I mean, you can't beat the AT.2016, however, involved a whole lot of suck. A lot of fruitless doctor appointments, a lot of frustration. A lot of asking myself, "What am I DOING here?!"I still don't know the answer.But things seem to be looking up. My lease will end in May and I will be free from serious financial obligation, which will allow me to leave my uncomfortable, depressing, soul-crushing job. It sounds dramatic, but after the hike, spending 8 straight hours a day sitting in front of a computer really is having a horrible effect on me. As much as I have tried to adapt, it just isn't the right fit for me. I can't make it work. I need to move on. I need air and people and motion. I need to leave behind weird things that have happened. I need to use my brain, and be challenged. I feel like I'm rotting in every way.My heart is still broken despite my head screaming, "THIS IS STUPID, GET OVER IT ALREADY." I want so badly to move on, but I guess... I don't even know... chemistry? Biology? Whatever it is, it sucks. LIFE. SO DUMB SOMETIMES.So now, because I am lucky enough to have the most wonderful enabling mother, who will let me store all of the contents of my tiny apartment, and who will care for my kitten Katahdin (so named because I couldn't come up with anything and I loved Candace's genius suggestion of Catahdin), I am starting to hatch a new plan.Instead of being a sensible, intelligent adult, I can embark on another adventure. It won't heal a broken heart, but it would be a great distraction.In May, I am due to visit Tokyo for my mother's birthday (it's a big one). Since I will already be flying to Japan, I may add a little to the journey.On the island of Shikoku, there is a Buddhist pilgrimage route which travels to 88 temples.If I adjust my plane tickets, I can complete the pilgrimage before mom's birthday.This would require beginning in early March, and I might freeze my butt off.But it would help me get healthy again, and back in shape (I miss running!).It would be expensive, and difficult as I know basically no Japanese (I still confuse "sorry" and "thank you").But thinking about it, research and planning, gives me a purpose. I feel more like myself, rather than a dull machine dragging myself to the office each morning.It would require subletting my cute, cheap, buggy apartment and transferring utilities and moving all of my stuff AGAIN (I am so sick of moving. I wish I could just get rid of EVERYTHING).But I could do it, I'm sure. No pain, no Maine, right? It would require leaving my cat who I am extremely attached to (she comes when called... and wakes me up at 4 a.m. for breakfast).But she would have good company while I was gone.It would require quitting my job (I seriously dream of doing this just about every day), and participating in another agonizing job search when I return.But maybe it would be worth it.The AT was worth the money, the swollen feet, and the weird encounters a thousand times over. Red Panda needs adventure I am still not sure if this is the right one, or the right time (mostly because I'm afraid of freezing).But I won't be alive forever, and I'd like to start living again.