Date: 2006-06-13
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0

Because I know a number of people will be asking me the same questions about my experience on the AT, I decided I¢d make this final journal entry in the format of an FAQ. Actually, one day while hiking, it was thinking through the answers to some of these questions, and imagining what this final entry would say, that helped me make my decision to come home.Q: Why did you leave the trail?A: This is not an easy answer. There is no one reason I left. I was not injured, and did not have any emergency back home. The bottom line is that I was enjoying myself less and less, and decided that enjoying the next 4 months of my life was more important than pushing myself to do something just for the sake of doing it. If you¢re really interested, read on, and you¢ll understand a little better.Q: What did you like about your hike?A: Wow, where do I begin? I believe the best part of the experience was being part of the thru-hiker community. You¢ve got an incredibly diverse group of people, who loosely join together, sharing a common path and goal, but for very different reasons. It¢s a nomadic community, and dynamic in that while you are often ¢traveling¢ with some of the same people, the group you are in is constantly changing as people slow down and speed up. I met some great people, many of whom were nothing short of inspirational.Other things I enjoyed included the solitude (though you become part of a community, you wind up spending quite a bit of time by yourself); being outside all the time; being able to carry everything I need on my back; the end of a long day of hiking, when I would get to make my home wherever I wanted, cook my dinner, and turn in for the night, breathing the fresh air while asleep, and waking up to the birdsongs; drinking crystal clear, cold water right from a spring (treated, of course); being amazed at what my body is capable of; spectacular views; chasing, and catching up to, Spring; soaking my aching feet in a cool stream. The list goes one.Q: What didn¢t you like about your hike?A: Not a whole lot, believe it or not. First, let me mention things that I wouldn¢t consider fun, but I really didn¢t mind as much as you would think: hot weather; cold weather; constant pain at various places in my body ¢ with new pains popping up and old ones going away every day; not showering for several days in a row; wearing the same clothes for several days in a row; bugs (though I must admit I left the trail before they got real bad and started biting a lot); hanging my food every night (though I had a couple nights where it was difficult and frustrating); ¢doing my business¢ in the woods; everything I have, including me, being what most city-folk would consider dirty; trying to get rides into towns, sometimes hitching; finding a place to lay my tent (though a couple nights this was tough).OK, so if all that didn¢t get to me, then what did? Well, remember my trail name ¢ FlatRocks. I got that name because when I hike, I have such a hard time climbing the hills that when we get to a flat area, I say ¢Flat rocks!¢ Well, one reason I was hesitant to take that name was that I thought it might doom my hike. I won¢t blame it on the name, but I will say that after over 2 months of hiking, after getting into Virginia where the terrain is a little more mild, the single most thing that I did not look forward to every day was walking uphill. I thought that after getting into shape, it wouldn¢t exhaust me as much as it had. I will admit, it got a little easier. And hiking with Slow Up made me realize what good shape I am in ;-) However, I found that the physical exertion necessary to take me up a mountain was so draining that it was preventing me from enjoying myself. I tried eating more, drinking more, hiking slower, hiking faster, breathing differently. I don¢t know if it¢s my long, skinny legs, but when I looked around, I could tell that up was much more difficult for me than it was for other thru-hikers, and while it was exhausting for everyone, it was particularly so for me. I didn¢t see anybody who had been on the trail for more than a few weeks breath as heavily or break as often as I did going up, and few sweat as much. I am just not built for that particular activity, and while I am capable of it, it is so draining for me that when I looked toward upcoming climbs, they had gone from looking like challenges, to jobs, to chores, to feats of masochism. While I enjoyed the rest of my time each day, the climbs became so unenjoyable that it was no longer worth spending that much time doing them.While the climbing was the deal breaker, there were other things I didn¢t like. Of course, I must admit that I missed being home. Vacations are nice, but being away from my friends, partner, and dog for such a long time was pretty difficult. Also, I was getting very tired of trying to purchase 4-5 days¢ worth of meals from small markets, or even convenience stores. I had difficulty trying to find foods I wanted to eat, could find easily and could carry that would provide me with the nutrition I needed. I also got very tired of seeing the same thing. I kept hearing that the terrain would change significantly, that I would see different scenery, etc. Well, after 700 miles, the biggest change was that the mountains were a little smaller, and I got to walk through some open fields instead of dense woods. There were some nice views, but they were few and far between. Much of what kept me going was the hope of seeing a change, but I got tired of waiting for that to happen.Q: You had issues with your knees before the hike, and hurt your leg during it. What happened with that?A: My knees gave me problems off and on, but I think the Celebrex did wonders to keep me going without doing more damage. I did strain my tendon and muscle on my right leg, and had to take 8 days off the trail. After about a week back on the trail, that problem was gone (though I had a similar problem on the other leg for a couple days). A number of other issues came up with my feet, legs, back and elbows (from the poles), but nothing I couldn¢t continue hiking with.Q: What happened to Little Wing, and how do you feel about splitting up with her? Did that have anything to do with your decision to leave The Trail?A: When I got off with my leg injury, Little Wing continued to hike with Bama, a woman we had met a few weeks earlier. To this date, Little Wing and Bama are still hiking together, and it turns out they make great hiking partners. Little Wing and I had been getting along just fine (despite some people¢s predictions), and we did not want to split up. However, at the time, it was the right thing to do, as I had no idea how long I would be off The Trail. I was sad about not hiking with her anymore, but was fine hiking on my own when I returned. In fact, I kind of enjoyed the freedom of hiking my own hike. I was hoping to eventually catch up to Little Wing, but that never happened.Q: Do you think you would still be on the trail if you hadn¢t gotten off for that injury?A: I don¢t believe so, but it¢s always hard to tell the ¢what if¢s.¢ I was really down when I got off, mainly because I was worried I wouldn¢t heal quickly or thoroughly enough to continue for long. At the time, the thought of not finishing the hike was very disturbing. Though I did heal, and I did enjoy being on the trail after that, the time off was definitely a turning point for me, and I¢m not sure my motivation was ever the same after that. I also started feeling like I had to make up lost time, which caused a number of things to change in how I felt and how I approached the hike. Still, I believe the ups would have gotten to me by now even if I had not lost the time and had continued hiking with Little Wing, but I¢ll never know.Q: How do you feel about your decision to come home?A: I¢d be lying if I said I wasn¢t at all disappointed. I¢ve been interested in completing the AT for years, and started section hiking it in 1995. I know I would have gotten great joy in taking that rock I picked up at Springer Mountain and laying in on top of Mount Katahdin later this year. In fact, when I started the hike, my goal was the destination, not the journey. I knew this was wrong, but couldn¢t help my feelings ¢ I wanted to finish, and thought I would be devastated if I didn¢t. After I first thought of going home, I hiked for a couple more weeks to give it more time. I talked to some other hikers about the idea. I realized that I was enjoying myself less and less, and that finishing would mean 4 months of pushing myself simply for the sake of being able to say, ¢I did it.¢ Once I let go of the need to finish, it was a simple decision, and I was quite pleased with the idea of going home.Q: Will you go back to finish the rest of The Trail?A: I doubt it. Of course, I know better than to say Never. I wanted this, and I wanted it bad. But finishing is no longer important to me. I had a great experience, and that¢s what it was all about. I don¢t see why I would enjoy The Trail any more later in life, but you never know. I do, however, plan to do some more hiking elsewhere. Years ago, I would read about various places to go on amazing hikes around the world, and I would think, ¢Yeah, but first I have to hike the AT.¢ Well, not anymore.Q: What about all the people back home?A: Nothing meant more to me than all the support and encouragement I received from everyone before and during my journey. I¢m sure they will all share some of my disappointment for not completing what I had set out to do. However, I hope that they will be happy for me in that I was glad to be there, and I am glad to be home. I made the right decision to come home when I did, and I am very happy with my decision. Be happy for me.Q: What¢s it like being home?A: I am so happy to be home, but I do miss The Trail. I miss everything about it (even the ups ¢ as they were part of the experience). Driving for the first time was strange ¢ I found myself staring at things on the side and swerving out of the lane. I was surprised, since I¢d spent all day every day following a trail. Then I realized that when hiking, you don¢t look to the side for long if you are moving (you have to watch your footing), so you only do so when your legs aren¢t moving. Well, when driving a car, your legs aren¢t moving, so you must be standing still, and can look off to the side with no problems ¢ WRONG!I¢m eating like a fiend. They say your metabolism takes a while to get back to normal. I¢ve lost about 10 pounds, and my guess is I¢ll gain it back, and maybe more. Just typing this is making me hungry.It¢s also strange not being outside all the time. I don¢t think about it much, but whenever I am walking through the grass, I feel like I need to stay there ¢ like I need to sit down on the earth and touch it, and stay away from the pavement as long as possible.   It makes me feel like sidewalks and buildings are foreign objects and don¢t belong. I also sneezed profusely after going in the garage. Though I¢ve been around pollen and dirt for months, regular household dust is something to which I¢m not accustomed.Q: What did you learn from your experience?A: Did you really want me to start getting philosophical on you? OK, if you can take the cheese, then read on¢¦..Many people start a journey such as this with some sort of goal of ¢finding themselves,¢ ¢becoming one with nature,¢ or what have you. I didn¢t have any specific philosophical or spiritual goal when I started, other than to finish something I¢d wanted to do for a very long time. I admit I was also hoping I would gain more of an appreciation for the natural world around me and stop focusing so much on ¢getting things done¢ in my life. Somewhere over the years, as I¢ve gained more responsibility and had less time available to me, some of the simple pleasures I used to enjoy have become less interesting to me. I also wondered what other changes might occur after having gone through such a significant journey in my life.So what did happen? As I mentioned, I knew when I started that I was approaching this hike with the wrong attitude ¢ focusing on the destination and not the journey. This approach affected how I approached everything from how many miles I hiked each day, to how I took my breaks (I often broke without even taking my pack off). After my injury, I felt like I needed to go even faster to make up the lost time. I even had this crazy idea that if I really pushed it, I could finish by early September and attend a wedding without having to fly back to Florida and then return to The Trail.I knew in my mind that all this thinking was counterproductive, but I couldn¢t help having the thoughts. All I could do is try to hike the way I knew I should ¢ by taking it easy, resting often, not worrying about miles, and just plugging along each day at a nice, easy pace. I knew this method would still get me to the end, and I would enjoy the hike much more. I even figured that by doing this, I could train myself in this approach, and maybe it would spill over into other areas of my life when I return.What I found was that it didn¢t matter what I knew was best. If I was planning on hiking at least 15 miles, and I had 15 in by 5 p.m, there was no way I was going to stop and have a nice, long evening before turning in. I was going to hike at least a couple more miles to take advantage of the daylight. Maybe I¢d stop at 6:30 if I found a great spot, but if I didn¢t, I¢d be perfectly happy going until 7:30 and getting even more miles in. By doing so, I could maybe get to then next town a day earlier ¢ or at least earlier in the day so I could have more time to get chores done, etc. I would force myself to take breaks, but it wasn¢t easy.The day before I got off the trail, I thought long and hard about what I was doing out there. I suddenly realized that, although I wasn¢t looking, I had found myself out there. The funny thing is the self I found was the same person I¢ve known all along ¢ the workaholic who is always focused on pushing himself to do more now so the break comes sooner, who is always busy except when doing absolutely nothing, who doesn¢t allow enough time to stop and smell the flowers because there just doesn¢t seem to be enough time. This is who I am, and I can¢t force myself to be something else. Upon this thought, I embraced myself (figuratively) and stopped fighting.Ironically, what did change is that I was no longer focused on finishing The Trail ¢ I really did begin focusing more on the journey, and realized the journey I have for the next 4 months will be a better one for me if I am at home. It¢s a different journey than I had planned, but a better one. Letting go of the goal was such a liberating experience. I¢m able to appreciate that you don¢t have to finish everything you start. Being flexible and changing your goals when appropriate is not the same as ¢giving up.¢ Much as I wanted it, finishing The Trail was never necessary ¢ what was the point anyway? I still had a great hike.