Date: 2006-03-21
From: Erwin

To: Erwin
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: light rain

Since the day Jeff from The Hike Inn in Fontana dropped me of at the dam there is a little story going back and forth in my head. He told me two important things to know about hiking in the Smokey¢s. The one I still remember was: Never ever leave your pack unattended. Not even for one single minute because you don¢t want to see Mr. Bear running away into the woods as fast as he can with your pack on his back. While hiking in the Smokey¢s I never saw one single bear, not even a bear pile or an imprint of a paw on the ground, but I always had this funny little picture in mind seeing a bear running with my Vapor Trail on his back. And I asked myself:¢What the heck would a bear do with my pack?¢ And this is what I¢m going to tell you now. The following story is completely fictitious and every similarity to existing persons is unintended.It has been a sunny days so far and I took a break around 02.00 pm as I felt the urgent need to respond to Mother Nature¢s call. So I grabbed my double zip-locked bag of toilet paper and went into the woods to relieve myself. The job was done quickly as usual and after properly sanitizing my hands (note: this entry should also serve the educational purposes of children. That¢s why I added this remark) I started walking back to the trail. After a few minutes I suddenly realized that I must have lost my way. The bushes were getting thicker and thicker and I had absolutely no clue were I was. So I did a few steps backwards to escape from the thicket as I suddenly bumped into something behind me. I turned around and stared into the glooming eyes of a big black bear. Scared to death I stumbled backwards over a root and ruggedly landed on my butt. The bear did the same and there we were, both sitting on our butts with wide torn open eyes, looking like complete idiots. The bear opened his teeth armored mouth and started laughing like mad. I almost wouldn¢t trust my ears but it was hard to withhold, so I also started to laugh. After a few minutes spent with childish giggling and laughing the bear scratched his big hairy black belly and said: ¢Now, isn¢t that funny?¢ Again I was completely perplexed. This bear was able to speak and his English was even better than mine. He must have noticed my unbelieving facial expression because he asked me with a smile on his face: ¢What¢s up guy, have you never heard a bear speaking?¢ Of course I had not. I haven¢t even seen a bear in the wild until this moment. ¢Ya see, the government isn¢t telling you the truth¢, he grunted. ¢They aren¢t interested in letting people know that we bears are intelligent, civilized mammals, just like you.¢ ¢Excuse me, what are you talking about¢ I answered, ¢are you implying the government knows about this?¢ ¢Ya must be either very na ve, or not very intelligent,¢ the bear ranted back with a twinkle in his eyes. ¢This is going on for decades now and there is so much evidence to prove this that even a third grader would be convinced.¢ ¢Excuse me,¢ I replied, feeling a bit angered by the fact that a bear was casting doubts on my intellectual capacity. ¢As I¢m an alien I¢m not very familiar with what¢s going on in this country beyond what I¢m seeing on television.¢ ¢Oh, I¢m sorry. I didn¢t know that,¢ he apologized. ¢So let me try to explain it to you. And don¢t think I¢m kidding. This issue is way too serious to make funny jokes about.¢ And so the bear ¢ let¢s call him Smokey for now, because he asked me not to mention his real name ¢ told me a story I will never forget. ¢Actually this is no National Park,¢ he said with a grim tone in his voice, ¢but a big outdoor prison for black bears. There are quite a few people in the Park Administration and in other government agencies who are afraid of loosing their jobs if people ever find out the whole truth. Just imagine what would happen if the public would be aware that bears are able to speak and are intelligent creatures. They probably had to give us our own reservations as they had to do with the Native Americans. Just think about what¢s on stake for the whole industry. We could even have our own casinos. So they would do everything possible to cover this up. They are telling the public we are dangerous beasts and people should fear us like the devil. They even tell people they should hang their food on these funny bear pi±ata cables because we would do everything to get it. That¢s so laughable. If I would like to have the food I would just have to open the karabiner. Hey, do you really believe a bear would be interested in eating processed food, for example Pop Tarts or Rahmen Noodles and all that kind of crap, if he could have fresh berries, mushrooms and even a little squirrel once in a while. C¢mon, that¢s so ridiculous to believe as even you humans some times have a hard time to force down this junk. Should I tell you what some of us are really interested in?¢ ¢Yes, please tell me,¢ I replied. He moved a little bit in my direction and lowered his voice. ¢Your packs man, it¢s the packs we¢d like to have.¢ Now, that didn¢t make any sense to me. What the hell would a bear do with my pack? Smokey must have noticed that I was clueless because he started laughing again. ¢C¢mon man, it¢s that easy. Just think about what¢s inside of your packs. It¢s the clothing and the identification papers.¢ Now he got me really interested. ¢Do you mean bears are using human clothes and ID¢s for their own purpose?¢ I asked. ¢Well, let me put it this way,¢ he responded, ¢what method could be better to escape from here than to use the identity of a hiker? Especially long distance hikers or thru hikers are a perfect target, because they have usually long beards and are looking kind a like weird. So we just have to shave a little bit to look like a hiker. And once you have made it out of the park it¢s no problem to make it to every destination you want. You can even go to the hiker¢s home and in most cases even the wife of the hiker won¢t notice the difference. Actually I know cases where the hiker¢s wife was positively surprised how much her husband has changed to the better. Last year we had 3 successful escapes and only one fellow bear was caught later on as he tried to rent a car because his signature didn¢t match the one on the hiker¢s driver license. But this really was the fugitives own fault.¢ I raised my left eyebrow and said: ¢So you earnestly want to tell me that bears are stealing the identities of hikers? But what happens to the hikers whose packs have been stolen?¢ ¢The government usually tries to cover this up,¢ Smokey replied. ¢They tell them not to talk about this and if the guy won¢t be cooperative the next thing you might hear about him is that he died for whatever reason. Maybe the next week you will read in the local paper that a hiker has been struck by lightning while sleeping in a shelter, or they blame a bear for killing him. That¢s a good way to keep people believing that we are dangerous animals.¢ ¢How many bears are trying to escape every year?¢ I asked him. ¢Oh, that depends. In some years we had 20 successful candidates. Of course it¢s easier to do it for male bears than for the females. There are simply not enough female hikers out there and even if you find one it¢s really hard for a female bear to look like an American woman, because they are shaving almost every little hair on their body. And if you are hairy by nature than we normally are that¢s a real hard thing to do. By the way, it¢s not that hard to identify a bear who has stolen a hiker¢s identity. Just look for a few little signs. If, for example, your neighbor was out for a couple of weeks and after he came back is scratching his butt every minute, he probably is one of us. A hairy butt covered by blue jeans is itching more often than a naked one, that¢s for sure. Don¢t think this is going on only for the last couple of years. No, even in the last century there were a few of us who wanted to see the world beyond the mountains. In 1863 there were 15 fellow bears who escaped from here to join the Confederated States Army. Most of them served as enlisted men, but some of them made it to NCO or officer and one of them was even promoted to generals¢ rank before he got killed in one of the last major battles. But I won¢t tell you his name because they would probably take away his medal of honor if they ever find out his real identity. In the early 20¢s there was a bear that was really popular with the local people. He went into politics and even intended to run for the office of Governor, but he was killed in a gunfight about hunting permits before he could publicly announce his plan to get elected. Nowadays it¢s better to choose an identity with less public attention. There are always some helpful humans out there. Even some Congressman or Senators can be very forthcoming when it comes to support a potential voter. And of course there are the organizations that always have supported the rights of minorities. Let¢s take for example the AAAAA (Association of aware Afro American Actors) who is supporting us mainly because we are the last black minority which isn¢t represented in public. And we even have our spies in the NPS. But everything has to happen very quiet, because we have such a strong lobby standing against us. Every time somebody tried to speak out loud for us he either died in a mysterious accident or was killed by an assassin. Let¢s take Lincoln for example. Did you know that his plan after freeing the slaves was to do the same for all the black bears in the United States? And Booth had a nephew who was accidentally killed by a young rowdy bear who tried to steal his clothes while he was swimming. So this was simply revenge. Or take Martin Luther King. There was a second part to his ¢I had a dream¢ speech the public never got to hear. And I could go on for hours and hours.¢ This was a really fascinating conversation and he really knew how to underpin his case. He had convinced me completely. ¢And what about yourself?¢ I asked him. ¢Have you ever tried to make it out of here?¢ ¢I should have,¢ he answered with a sad smile, ¢but now I¢m to old to try. And if my wife would find out she would probably strike me with an iron pan.¢ He pulled out a little device and looked at it. ¢I have to be at home in 30 minutes because my wife hates if I am late for dinner.¢ He must have noticed that I was staring at his little handheld computer, because he started laughing again. ¢Believe it or not,¢ he giggled, ¢I¢m the Chief Information Officer for this section of the Smokey¢s and I always have to know what¢s going on in my section. Tell me your first name and I will prove that I¢m telling the truth.¢ I told him that I¢m called Bruno and after typing it into his little organizer he looked very satisfied. ¢Ah, you are the German guy who got sick in Fontana and had to stay for two extra days. We had a little trouble with updating your schedule, but finally we got the information.¢ He looked up and smiled at me. If there had been a little shadow of doubt that he was telling the truth, now it was completely gone. He had convinced me. ¢Ok Bruno, it was really nice to meet you, but now I have to hurry up. My wife has ordered me to bring some fresh berries for dinner and I haven¢t found them yet.¢ So we shook hands and after I gave him my email address just in case if he wants to contact me some day he showed me the way back to the trail where my pack was still laying under a tree and within a blink of the eye he disappeared in the woods. ¢What a nice guy,¢ I thought by myself. It¢s really sad that I won¢t meet him again. But on the other hand who knows if he one day decides to make a little trip to Germany. I hope he will drop me an email beforehand.Bruno