Date: 2009-03-08
To: Nervousness
Miles today: 0.0

Dear readers,As this adventure draws scarily near, I feel as though I'm walking around with an air of humbled confidence in myself. Can you be humble and confident at the same time? I'm trying. Yes, I have wilderness experience, yes, I have survived 285 days of year round life in the Central Oregon desert (although with two week breaks every month), yes I have spent the past 2 years backpacking with 50+ pounds on my back (thanks to the necessities my job required me to have in my pack). I feel relatively well-prepared as far as life in the wilderness goes, however, there are many things about hiking the AT that are causing me anxiety, on top of its ridiculous length. People often ask me what sane person actually wants to walk 2,178 miles!? And, the funny thing is, I wonder that myself. Me, apparently. Maybe I'm not sane? The imagery that so often comes to mind is the scene in Bill Bryson's "A Walk in the Woods" when he and Katz are looking at the 4 ft. map after weeks of backpacking are only a few discouraging inches of the way up it. That will totally be me, and that will totally be when the monstrosity of this adventure will hit. For now 2,178 is simply a number to me... in a week it will become a distance, and a goal.Here are a few other nerve wracking things that are on my mind as I'm about to jump off the deep end a week from today:Bears. I don't think that fear will ever fully go away. Backpacking in grizzly country this past summer certainly helped with that fear, however, I had bear spray with me, making all the difference in the world in my comfort level. Noises. Specifically, noises I will hear or my imagination will create as I'm lying in my tent alone at night. The rustling of branches, cracking of twigs... yeah, not a fan. *cue Amy hunkering down really deep in her sleeping bag while cranking up her iPod Shuffle as loud as it will go*Rodents. Thanks to Bryson's book, my biggest fear of this entire thing is the rodents scurrying all over the shelters and its occupants at night. I don't know why. We had kangaroo rats and field mice all over the place in the desert and they didn't bother me. Something about it being in the space I'm sleeping in really disturbs me. Yes, I have been dreading this since I first read his book 4 years ago. It's true. Hence, I've got my Hubba tent.Rain. Days and days of rain. I'm prepared for it. I know it will happen at some point. I'm just dreading it... and the thought of having to set up a tent in pouring rain. Imagining that first day of sunshine that follows will be what keeps me going. It's amazing the therapeutic benefits sunshine can have.My pinky toe. It's not infected anymore, but it's also not really fully healing.Twisting an ankle. It can happen so easily out there and can have such consequences. A reason for an early start date... wiggle room if I need some time off for whatever reason.Heading the wrong direction. It's bound to happen, at least once (claims my mother- she can't wait to hear about it). Let's hope for no more than a few minutes. My sense of direction is less than stellar. A little key chain compass/temperature gauge is on my to-get list this week.Giardia. Please, not me. (I will be filtering EVERYTHING that touches my lips - I don't care what the source is)Hanging a bear bag. Two words: comedy central.And last but not least:The feeling that will wash over me my first night atop Springer. I'm not sure what that feeling will be, exactly, and maybe that's why I'm nervous about it. I'm sure I will feel alone. I've never actually backpacked by myself or slept alone in a tent before. I have always had a hiking companion. I bet it will be a very different feeling. I'm sure I will miss friends and family knowing I can't tell them about how my first day on the trail went, especially since I know they will be thinking of me, too. I think a feeling of excitement at the thought of starting something I have been thinking about for so long is inevitable. Also maybe a feeling of anticipation for the days to follow to meet more people and make new friends. Will I feel on the brink of the largest, most challenging, life changing thing I have ever done in my life? Who knows. And, of course, going hand in hand with feeling alone, I will feel terrified as I try to drift off to sleep and hear nearby bushes rustle and twigs snap near my tent. Now where'd I put that Shuffle...