Date: 2010-02-23
From: Sassafras Gap Shelter

To: Brown Fork Gap Shelter
Miles today: 9.1
Weather: light rain

I awoke late that morning. Being alone is good, but it¢s just so lonely. Kevin is irritating me but I think it all may be more pleasant with him around. Not better for me, just more pleasant.At noon I left. A very late start to my destination 10 miles away. I¢d eaten all of my cliff bars, smoked pipe, and played my harmonica. All was well. I was cursing again up the mountain to Cheoah Bald, furious at the debris blocking the trail and snow slipping under my feet. I hated everything around me, I hated god, and I hated myself. Fog was everywhere.The trail disappeared at Cheoah and it took a while to find. My anger was still around just quieted down. Another hour passed and the fog lifted. Suddenly, the sun broke through and illuminated the trail.. Bugs began to fly. Birds called. My heart was lifted and cleared out, and I laughed outloud. I thought about my family and how much love is there and started to cry in joy. I¢m so emotionally unstable. Maybe I¢m just mimicking a trail that itself is so irregular. Then I thought deeply about anger. Because I felt like people walking in the woods should think deeply about things. Anger comes up from below, I figured, only when a happy ending is no where in sight. It¢s when you feel like your stranded in a bad situation with no ladder around to climb out. When I know the shelter is right around the corner, I don¢t care how many limbs are on the trail. The end is near. But for some reason it angers me when I don¢t know how long the struggle will ensue. Trudging through snow is okay if I know the shelter is near, but I go to rage when the end is nowhere in sight.In the sunshine I thought also about my friends at JMU. Leaving them behind and hiking with a stranger, I realize how deep and true they all are. I¢m not talking about my dear old friends, Sean and Wesley, whose role in my life day to day is marginal nowadays. I¢m talking about the Treehouse boys (my roommates), who I see now are so much more than I realized. Something about them ¢ maybe their humor, maybe their devotion to each other, maybe the way they gave themselves so truly to me ¢ strikes a chord deep in my heart. I didn¢t see it before, but looking back alone in the woods I see it now: Rawlz, Chocolate, Seth, Barefoot, Cameron, Will and Fedesh were a gift. They were God showing me how it should be. I almost cried thinking about the gift.As you can see, reader, I¢m entirely emotionally unstable as I hike towards Maine. I fly high in the morning, curse God at noon, whimper in the evening, and quietly surrender myself to His will before I go to bed. It¢s an incredible high relief experience, now that I think about it, that few are fortunate enough to have. The portrait of god out here, captured through the lens of my twisted hart, is so shocking. So outrageous. So explosive. I¢m seeing colors flashing and booming in my heart that I never knew existed.That night I slept at the Brown fork Shelter with Bill, a skinny old guy with a beard. He was good company. He liked to talk wild about anything that was worth talking about with a loud and enthusiastic voice. Trail conditions, hiking at night, his dog, good gear, philosophical matters. Like I said, he¢s good energy generating company.