Date: 2005-11-16
To: Worries...
Miles today: 0.0

After making dinner for Gerry and I, I sit here with my cup of coffee, wondering what in the hell I have gotten myself into. I feel like I am in the middle of something I cannot understand, yet at the same time, I feel like I am on top of the world. I kind of feel like I am running away from my life, but also I have a strong sense that when I am done, whether I complete my attempt or not, I will be ready for the next part of my life. I can only hope the wait until march does not ruin the trip for me, either financially or mentally. March seems so far away, and yet I cannot wait to start the trip. Does everyone at this point of the planning have doubts? Should I go? Or put it off for a SoBo (south-bound) trip? Or put it off for another year or two? I hope I am not the only one, tho I do not want to wish this kind of torment on anyone lol.I have always been a hermit type, as a truck driver, living alone after the seperation so far from my family, I do not see a problem in having an adventure of this magnitude, and doing it solo. I would much rather hang my hammock in a quit place, rather than pushing on to or loosing half a hiking day at a shelter just to be "one of the pack". Others hike the trail to meet people, which is fine, I hope to meet some as well and may find a hiking partner with the same type of hiking agenda. But overall I am not going to activly seek out someone. Please do not take that to mean I am going to be rude to everyone I meet, quite the opposite in fact. I hope to meet friends for life on the trail, people that have shared something special together in 2175 miles. Anyone that I meet on the trail, be it some one like myself that has no hiking experience, or a veteran multi-thru-hiker, will have the respect they deserve for just being there in such a special place, doing something so few really try.On the other hand, now I have my brother here. I have been trying to make his life easier, but every day a stray thought hits me right between the eyes. What if something happens to him (medically) while I am gone? I plan on having emergency funds to get home in case of trouble, but just the thought of him going thru another infection, or worse, has me torn up inside. I had a very time consuming job while my Grandmother was here in a nursing home, and I did'nt get to see her as often as I could have if I had had a local job. It still pains me the last time I saw her was when she was in an almost comatose state, when we brought her Christmas cards and presents. Only a few days after she passed, and I will always regret not having been there for her. I guess that is the fear I have with Gerry, not being here for him, and my only solace is in the knowledge that my mother will keep me informed of his mental health along with my phone calls to him.Do I go and try to marathon it and risk burning myself out? Or risk injury? I would prefer to take my time, slow and steady, and if I have to leave the trail, so be it. NUTS!!!!!!! On a lighter note, I believe the 20th will be my start date, tho I may move that up depending on Gerry, and also when I get back from N.Y. If I can swing it, the earlier the better in my opinion. We shall see. The wait until then is the hardest part, as I have decided to skip maildrops altogether, after researching the distances between towns in the 2005 Data book, and from maps and from previous Thru-hikers. This way will allow me more freedom on when I have to stop in towns, and less time in towns, the less money it will cost. After testing the alcohol stove I bought, I am still looking foward to trying the Sierra Zip Stove. I do not know if I like having to rely on another thing I will have to base my town stops on (buying fuel), and the extra weight of the two stoves is negligable (one complete, wood burning, the other relying on carried fuel). We will see when I get the Zip stove to test. Well, another day down, and closer to the new year. I am sorry for the kind of depressing entry today, just had to voice out the feeling I have, I cannot talk to Gerry, he still thinks I am nuts for wanting to try this. Will see y'all soon, be safe.