Date: 2004-12-20
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0

5pm12.20.04I couldn¢t wait to finish work and get home so I could allow the turbulent thoughts bubbling inside my brain to spill out on these pages. I mentioned yesterday that I find myself even more eager and excited than last year. I catch myself thinking of, well, everything in relation to my hike. Steve talks of upcoming projects, both potential and definite, and I exclaim and express interest, while attempting to swallow the guilt of knowing that I won¢t be around (although I may very well return to carpentry and Steve, post-hike, if he¢ll hire me back. And, the bigger ¢if¢, if the path I choose after this life-altering journey carries me back to the same field.) That guilt is somewhat assuaged by the fact that Steve is in the process of hiring on a third member to our crew. If there were another reliable person, I wouldn¢t feel nearly so bad about leaving. But, guilt-ridden or not, I will not be dissuaded from this endeavor. I just have to figure out how (and when and where) to drop the bombshell on him. I reckon he deserves to have his holiday vacation unfettered w/ this worry, though, so that gives me a solid 2 weeks to plot and plan.When I think about heading off to Georgia, living on the trail, I just get this tingling feel on the surface of my skin, an electrostatic jolt standing my hairs on end, a warm, fuzzy feeling slightly left-of-center under my breastbone, and a rowdy flock of butterflies merrily romping through my gastro-intestinal tract. Rationally, I know I experienced the same emotions during my preparations last year, but the strongest memories are of the nervousness and doubts and insecurities, concerns about my gear, and my survival. I know I was excited and anticipating the journey as well, but right now, it¢s all-consuming. The anticipation of last winter didn¢t have the strength and velocity it carries now, enough to knock the breath out of me. The desire to be out in the woods again, breathing in that crisp mountain air, it burns w/ an unrelenting heat inside me. Today, as I left work, bundled against the cold, I looked up to see the moon, already visible in the waning afternoon light. Half of her face was hidden in shadow, but the other half smiled serenely down on me, as if to remind me of the moonlit nights to come, soon, when she¢ll light my path through the woods as I stumble out of my tent in search of the privy. One lesson my hike this year taught me w/ unrelenting directness is that I need to take more time to contemplate, to observe, to appreciate the beauty surrounding me. Don¢t get so enmeshed and enraptured in numbers and mileages and dates. Just enjoy yourself. And stop to truly appreciate the opportunity you¢ve been given. You don¢t realize how precious a thing is until you feel its absence.9:35pmYou know how they say that you can tell you¢ve become fluent in a language when you start to think and dream in that language? Well, my brain is utilizing hiker jargon and jingo, waking and slumbering hours. As I was preparing dinner, I found myself staring at the pot I was cooking in, thinking -- This is much too big for what I need. Where¢s my lightweight camp cookset? I don¢t need to dirty another dish; I¢ll just eat out of the pot. Sadly, there were leftovers, necessitating the use of a second, tupperware, container. An unfinished meal? An occurrence that does not occur on the trail. A few days ago, as I made a cup of hot coca, I caught myself searching for a ziploc bag of powdered milk. I haven¢t resorted to packages of instant oatmeal yet, though. I may have exhausted my lifelong quota last spring. I¢m even experiencing w/ new trail food possibilities -- such as instant pudding, a quick ¢n easy delicacy ideal backcountry preparation. Hey, it¢ll be a sumptuous treat, cuisine extraordinaire out in the woods. Another quizzical oddity, that I¢ve the mindset to do more preparation this time that I did last year, when I just sort of figured that I¢d figure things out as they happened. Maybe it¢s b/c I know what a stagnant, repetitious menu can do to your psyche. Variety is a good thing. Speaking of planning -- a few things I need to jot down, so as to jolt my brain into action. Need to order Wingfoot¢s ¢05 Handbook. Also, look into down sleeping bags. I¢d rather not suffer through any more bitterly cold nights, wrapped grub-like under layer upon layer or clothing, and still shivering. Do I sense a trip to REI in the near future? Well¢¦if you insist¢¦¢...glorious hope lifts above all the dust and din and bids me look forward to a good time coming, when money enough will be earned to enable me to go walking where I like in pure wildness, w/ what I can carry on my back, and when the break-sack is empty, run down to the nearest point on the bread-line for more. Nor will these run-downs be blanks, for, whether up or down, every step and jump on these blessed mountains is full of fine lessons.¢ --John Muir