Date: 2015-08-15
From: Crocker Cirque Campsite

To: Stratton Motel and Hostel
Miles today: 7.3
Weather: overcast clouds

One day, one million calories.I don't even care anymore. I had chocolate milk AND pizza AND cookies AND it was glorious.Don't worry, I am not going to quit! Today as I was hiking down into town, I was thinking that my life is very good right now. Maine is kicking my butt so far.No one said this had to be easy, right? Maine has been killing me. There have been some miserable days. But I fully expect it to get better. The Hundred Mile Wilderness looks so nice and flat. And even if it's not, I will love it anyway, because it's my last chance to do so.I don't want you to think that because I have been having bad days that I am really considering giving up. Sure, there are times when I just don't want to climb a mountain. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to. I will climb EVERY FREAKING ONE of those mountains. And that will make the victory cheer on top of Katahdin mean that much more. I will be that much prouder of myself. Marianne told me that one of my typos was appropriate: I wrote "trial" instead of "trail". And it is a trial sometimes! It's not always easy! But the end will be rewarding, knowing how much I endured and suffered for it. THE PANDA THRIVES ON HARDSHIP. After a good cry, anyway.It's not an accomplishment if it's not a challenge, remember?I hiked up the nicely steep Crocker Mountains this morning (the trail was very steep for the first bit after the campsite, but leveled out a bit at the top). And then, two hours of downhill. The end wasn't too bad. It seemed to go on forever, though. I could hear those cars in the distance, and knew I was getting closer, closer, closer to town.With one mile left to go, I passed an arrangement of sticks on the ground. They spelled out,2000#YAY!TWO. THOUSAND. MILES.I HAVE HIKED TWO THOUSAND MILES. That's more than 76 marathons! That's more than thirteen states worth of Appalachian Trail!It was one more mile into town. Now, I only have 188.2 miles left to hike. That's less than two weeks. That's...I don't even have words for it.So we'll come to that later. Let's talk about today first.I emptied my food bag into my stomach for breakfast. I have continued to be extra starving lately. I mean... I certainly eat enough, but I am always hungry.I got to the road and found... TRAIL MAGIC! Amazingly amazing trail magic. For some reason I had been craving Pringles. I was psyched to see one of those variety bags of chips dangling from a tree branch, and hoped with all of my might that it wasn't full of trash. I drew closer and pulled at it. It was heavy... NOT a good sign, because chips are NOT heavy. But it was BETTER than chips! CLIF bars! Nutty bars! My heart soared as I fell into snack heaven.Nutty bars are delicious. Disgustingly delicious. I munched on them in a state of bliss as I hung a left and headed down the road into town, popping my thumb out every time I heard a car approaching behind me.Hitchhiking used to make me really nervous. At this point, I have had so many friendly people pick me up that I don't worry about it as much. I can always make up an excuse not to get into the car. I am also REALLY good at wielding my trekking poles now, and I have faith that I can beat the pants off anyone that tries to mess with me.After about 15 minutes, a very nice guy from Oregon, who works on wind turbines and loves hiking, picked me up. He was SO NICE. He dropped me off right at the store across the street from the hostel, where he was headed to buy groceries for dinner (at the store, not the hostel). He travels a lot for work, and seemed happy to be out in the beautiful Maine woods.I asked him if he likes traveling for work, or if it sucks. He seemed to have mixed feelings... He lives in hotels, which means that home is... not home. I understand. I live out of Gertrude. I miss home. He was such a nice guy. He reminded me of the pizza fairy. I thanked him five times before crossing the street to the motel/hostel.And what did I find?!THE AUSSIE LEGS!It was a hiker reunion! Hugs were had. They pulled me into their hotel room and Fire Bear poured me some chocolate milk. Muddy Duckling, who was sick yesterday, looked like she was recovering well. They shared rolls and margarine and lots of stories and my heart was happy. I plan to try to catch up to them tomorrow, as they are doing two short days so Muddy Duckling can take it easy.I checked into the hostel and browsed the stacks of packages for my mail drop. It wasn't there! I called mom. Had she sent a box to Stratton?! She was sure she had. I checked my email for the receipt. It was there. WHERE WAS MY BOX?!One of the hostel workers was headed for the post office and let me tag along for the ride. I inquired about the status of my parcel. The online tracking showed nothing. It was like once mom had paid for the shipping, it had dropped off the face of the planet.Oh well.I was IRRATIONALLY upset about this. My first mail drop disaster! I admit, I was mad at my poor mom, thinking, "WHY DIDN'T SHE SEND IT EARLIER?! I SAID ASAP!"But I only have myself to blame. I haven't been keeping track of my days well enough. It's beyond my fault for not asking her earlier to send it. You can't be mad at your mom, who fills all of your requests and boxes up and sends ALL of your trail food for five months if she can't be superhuman and do it in two hours. Sorry, mommy. You owe me a smack and I owe you five dinners.I am a terrible daughter sometimes. I have the most amazing parents who put up with my tired, hungry hiker grumpiness.Later, I ate a pizza and felt better.I took a shower and tried not to be sad that I couldn't shave my legs. Without my mail drop, I am missing some things... wet wipes, TP, vitamins, a razor. Sad times for Red Panda. I am a spoiled hiker brat.Iso and Silent Force got a ride into town behind me. Before I went to do laundry, I offered to toss in some of their stuff to make a full load.After laundry, I headed to the store to resupply. I WAS SO LOST. I wandered down the aisles, cringing at the prices.I miss my mail drop foods. Oh well. Hopefully it will arrive and I can bounce it forward to Monson. Maybe it will arrive in time so that I can share it with the Aussies.So I was like almost every other hiker this time... I bought PopTarts for breakfast and Pasta Sides for dinner.It was SO HARD to decide what to buy. My frugal self battled my inner hungry hiker. What should I get for snacks? Should I buy cheese? Tortillas? These things are so heavy. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.So I said, SCREW IT. I only have two more weeks on the trail. I WILL BUY WHATEVER DELICIOUS THINGS I WANT.The freedom to be a fatty. Ahhhh, America.Since I always seem to need more snacks, I took the opportunity to load up. On cookies. Lots of cookies. Three different kinds of cookies. If I have to climb more freaking mountains, I am going to do it with delicious cookies in my tummy. AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME. BECAUSE THEY ARE ALREADY IN MY FOOD BAG.They didn't have any good M&M choices (only peanut and peanut butter... I wanted pretzel), so I purchased a bag of chocolate chips. They will probably all melt in five minutes tomorrow, and I will regret this choice.I also bought a frozen pizza. And ice cream.As I was checking out, I remembered! "Do you have disposable razors?!" I asked, looking around myself hastily.AND I SAW SOME.HALLELUJAH.So the afternoon was one of a second shower with the cheapest single-blade razor I could buy, some TV, and phone calls home. And eating. Lots of eating.A section hiker will bring ISO, Silent Force, and me back to the trail in the morning. HOORAY!Then, the primary objective will be to meet up with my Australian friends. Secondary objective is to see a moose.KATAHDIN HERE I COME.I HOPE THE BIGELOWS DON'T MAKE ME CRY. I will kick them with my Merrells and they shall fall before me like all mountains south!That is, as long as my 80-pound Gertrude doesn't drag me down to an early pudding grave.Other things: I found fuel AND a new windscreen (mine is mind of in shreds at this point) in the hiker box! Hooray!I dropped my phone again today... My hands were slippery with snack residue. Now it has more cracks than ever. it is a miracle the thing still works.OH. AND THE DRAMA...It's not big drama, don't get too excited. But I got a message from Hands yesterday that was like a stab in my icy cold heart.It was very eloquent. He wrote down all the things that he didn't say when we crossed paths a few days ago. He told me, "I want to see you again... I wanted to hug you but I just gave you a fist bump instead."Why does this happen to me?!Hands is a super nice guy. I was so glad to see how happy and healthy and GOOD he looked the other day. I was relieved that things weren't awkward between us, because I knew he had wanted to be more than friends way back in the Smokies.But I just can't do it. I'm not there yet. There was no spark in my heart when he appeared before me in the woods the other day. I can't be anything more than a friend. I hate being in this position. I didn't ask for this. It is wonderful, of course, to be wanted, to know that I am not so old and chubby and unlovable as I feel out here in my smelly shorts, with my trail plaid and grubby legs. It is nice to know that there is still hope! Someday I may find love!But not now. I don't want it now. Not from Hands. Not from anyone on the Appalachian Trail.I am not dumb enough that I haven't learned from the mistakes I have watched others make. I know that I can't cling to my memories of Jim forever. I have to let him go eventually. I am just not ready yet, though. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of the day I left him. One year. Jeez. So that's that. Another episode of "My life, the AT soap opera".I am thankful for pizza and ice cream and cookies and reunions with friends!! I am thankful for a ride into town, for magic, and the most patient mother in the world. I am thankful for my daddy, who is helping me perfect The Plan. I miss him and can't wait to see him. I am thankful for the love I once had. The years of good memories are worth all the sad. Thanks, mom. I am so sorry. I will try to be less of a bear.