Date: 2003-10-22
To: fighting still 
Miles today: 0.0

I'm still here laying in my bed wondering what happen to my thru-hike I had in my head as I was walking up all excited on the Approach Trail to Springer Mountain in Georgia. I had great mental pictures placed in m head. Great weather, lots of sunshine, hiking with other thru-hiker, making close friends that last forever, doing morning yoga everyday, no stress, no worries, just me my pack and never a hunger. I had this glamorous idea of the trail as though it was covered with rose pedals promissing good weather and a complete sense of happiness.I thought I would just hike right through just stpping to resuply for fod and a occasional shower. Thinking I would finish early. I thought I would finish on Mt. Katahdin, happier then I have ever been, being ore friendly and out going as ever. Living life to the fullest an being more balanced then Mother Nature herself.Now I'm laying in bed wndering what went wrong? I loved my little fantisy world way more thn whe I am now. I nev thought those beautiful mountains would ever loose their beauty in my eyes. Inever thught I ould hik one-third of the trail bymyself only seeing another North Bounder every few weeks. I didn't think I would get in the mood must hike to get those miles in, I never thought it would rain more then half of the tme, I never thought my body would get in worse shape physically (try to as a thruhiker to run,is funny to see how stiff they are). I never thought I would get withdrawn from everything I know, I never thought I wouldhave to write in a jounal for my main way of communication with myself. (Journals have became a main importance in my life. I guess by not having anyone to talk to for so long tat it as my company. Even the shelter jornals became my social life and loyalist friends. I could read aout the other hikers I've met. Trading their entries were almost if they were having an converstion with me Making m feel not so alone. I was a journal addict. I'm just now realizin this and thinking on how sad it is. Those shelter journals became food for my soul.) No where was I? Oh yeah, the I never thoughts...I never thought I would end my hike anywhere else but Katahdin. I never thought I woud become very bitte with the AMC, I neer thought I would stay in town more then two days (this was a good thing getting to know people from different areas). I never thought I would se Katahdin as a 'BEAST', I've always thought I would be happy to see her as a beautiful goddess.I truely believe if I pushed myself any furter and aw Kathadi I would set her sign on fire. I never in a million years woud of thought the trail would of brought me pain and aggrivation. When the Mounains lost their beauty I knwe I was done. I couldn't see them and respect them asthey should be. I think maybe I pushed myself to hard I would like to finish the trail. But I want to so it on a positive note. Iwant to touch that sign and look around sying I love this place, and mean it. But in all reality I think hat there is a reason the trail conquired me, instead of me conquiring the trail. I don't see now, but verythig happens for a reason and time will ony tell. Meanwhile I gress I have to learn how to deal with feeling like and outsider who can't break into the world. A withdrawlness that the trail has put me in. A state of depressiontha I thougt my flanneljammies, fresh sheets, and a good bok wold cure me from.I know I'm home but yet I'm still not off the trail. My heart still aches. Where was that trail full of life and covered with roses under the blue skys? The mountains robbed me from happiness and tought me loneliness. Took the beauty and showd me torture, breaking my heart more everystep, everyday.I went in with innocense and a will of good. It showee me who was boss, challenging me until I broke. Shattered me in so many ways. So now I take all those pieces and try to tuck them away. Trying to gett it back tgether so I can move on my merry way.