Date: 2016-06-14
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: scattered clouds

One of the things that I am finding more and more important in life now is to not let other people lead my life.That was part of the incredible appeal of the trail. I was on my own schedule. I made all of my own decisions. My life was MINE.It has become sadly and increasingly apparent that I get REALLY GRUMPY when I feel like I am not in control. I need a lot of space and time to and for myself. INTROVERSION, is what it is. I guess. That's what I'll blame it on, anyway.As I have sloooowwwllyyy transitioned away from the trail to real life, I have been overwhelmed by never seeming to have enough time to straighten myself out. I am very bad at time management for some reason.Adjusting back to real life has been hard. So many times, I just want to smack my head against the wall or live as a hobo hermit.Being unemployed with very little experience to FIND employment? Terrible.Having no idea of what I want to do with my life besides an unrealistic dream of living as a hobo hermit nomad roaming the woods? Not cool.Trying to have my own life while living with the people I love most and who love me too much in return, despite my monstrous behavior (and appetite... sorry for eating all the groceries, mom...)? Possible but frustratingly difficult. I have trouble escaping perceived obligations.Enduring obnoxious but not severe medical issues with no answers? UGH, WHY ME?! IS IT KARMA? MY BODY REBELLING AFTER BEING FORCED TO DEVOUR TOO MANY PIZZAS AND BAGS OF M&Ms?!Anyway adjusting sucks. I have never been a real adult before. Now I am working full time, living in my own apartment with a kitten named Katahdin (thanks to my favorite twin for the name), paying bills (mostly), and being RESPONSIBLE.Depressing, isn't it?I am already itching for the next adventure, saving up by shopping at the dollar store and living off of gifts of leftover bagels and pizza (I'm a spoiled brat). Once my piggy bank bulges sufficiently, I can hit the road (or, preferably, trail) again.So there you have it. Life goes on after a thru-hike, but it's never the same. It never will be. It never can be. Now I know the true potential for happiness, for faith (in the AT Phenomenon and human kindness)I have finally started to pick up on compiling my trail journal for print. Sometimes I am afraid to read it for fear of being sad, of the wistful remembrance of a time passed, like a lost love. But I am starting to feel ready! Bring on the nostalgia! Bring on the fond memories! Bring on the regret of the stupid and naive mistakes I have made! Maybe embracing them once again will help me not to repeat them.Life is looking up. Summer is here. There is food on my desk (I don't have a table) and warmth is growing in my heart.Adulthood is a struggle for me, and of course I don't find thrill in putting together mailing lists and working at a desk and resisting the urge to give the printer a solid whack when it prints the envelopes wrong.BUT IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING.I think all of the people walking the trail in yearly sections, planning thrus in their retirement, refusing to let the trail go, and I love them and am inspired by them. Clearly my dreams will never die, and like these trail companions of mine, I WON'T STOP. My phone's autocorrect just suggested that I terminate that last sentence with "EATING" or "CRYING". Clearly the machine knows me well.Anyway, I am transitioning. Not very well, but I am doing it. I am always very, very slow at adjusting, and transitioning. It's just the way I am.I am thankful for the patience and love of my family. Without their support, I would be a 3-point basket case (did you know that the term "basket case" refers to a quadruple amputee? Sad.) without them.I am thankful for the friends that the trail has brought me, whether actually on the trail or not. Their stories and their help have grounded me as well as inspired me.I'm thankful that my new job allows me to contribute to a cause I believe in, and that my coworkers are super cool (they give me bagels and watermelon, what more could I ask for?).I am thankful, in the end, to be me. Eventually I will be the person I want to be. I am thankful for opportunities to learn and grow.And I am thankful for pizza and M&Ms,