Date: 2007-01-28
To: why thru?
Miles today: 0.0

So I wasn't able to sleep. It's 3:01am. The PA ruck was this weekend and I find myself wishing I was there. I'm sure that even as cold as it was there, they were sitting around the campfire swapping friendly insults and jokes and trail stories. I would have loved to be there, but even if the roads had been clear and the weather above single digits, I wouldn't have been at the ruck. I had a weekend backpacking trip planned. But not wanting frostbite, I decided to postpone the trip for another weekend. I've been thinking a lot about why I want to thru. Mostly because I'm now thinking about preplanning a longer stretch of time out of the work force. As opposed to planning for the 6 months off, coming back with the idea of reentering the work force only to decide to go hike for several more months, I'm playing with the idea of more like a year or 2 off. I haven't sat down to do a budget for it, but my rough (in my head) calculations make it seem like a possibility. When I made the mistake of mentioning the longer "sabbatical" to my mother, it was like some other woman got the phone and took over. I really did not guess that she would have a hard time with that idea. Turned a normal weekly-check-in phone call into high drama. Which I hate. I don't do drama. I have no interest in it, no patience for it. Anyway, I realized that maybe I haven't been explaining myself or my reasons very clearly to my friends and family. I mean, they all know I like to travel and they know I like to be outside and they know I like to do things, but I don't think I've done a good job of explaining why this particular journey is right for me. First off, it's not so I can mark off some line-item on a "life list." It's not to conquer some goal so I can impress others. I have used the language of conquer in the past (and probably will again) but that's more the secondary reason than the primary. What a mess. I guess what I mean is that I want to do it foremost because I feel alive when I'm a witness to the world around me. I felt beyond privileged when I came upon a newborn calf just learning how to stand on his shaky legs. I felt entertained better than any TV show could provide when I watched a seagull play with a tennis ball for 20 minutes before another gull wanted in on the action and then abandoned the ball to the ocean. I felt humbled and exhilarated when a beautiful buck stood in the middle of the trail ahead of me, took his time to examine me, and then bolted across the river and into the cover of brush. Those experiences are the reason for life. Life is not about a silly job or dumb title or a McMansion or fast car (although I do like going zoom zoom.) If someone (with the appropriate authority of course) were to offer me a guarantee as to how long I'd be lucky enough to live and assure me that I'd have both my physical and mental health for that time, then I would consider putting this off until I retire. And I would promise not to take more than my 4 weeks of annual leave until I turn 60. Maybe. But no one can promise me that. Car accidents happen. Cancer happens. How can I put off living in the environment where I feel the most alive? And why does that seem like such a self-sabotaging choice to so many people?