Date: 2005-07-12
To: campsite near PA 183
Miles today: 0.0

I am now writing on 7/12, my second night alone. I only talked to one person today, Harmonica. He was at the 501 shelter I stopped at. I ordered food: a calzone, salad and burger (oh and 2 liter of Mt. Dew) and waited by the road for the delivery from Pine Grove. I had myself a picnic there and then napped for about 3 minutes. Visited with harmonica and then hit the trail again. A late rainshower wetted me down a bit but the temp stayed hot and humid, ah so Florida like; is the trail trying to make me homesick? I am at a campsite near PA183 and the Fort Dietrick Snyder marker. Tomorrow I head into Port Clinton and possibly the Yeungling Brewer in Pottsville. I have been doing big miles to make up for lost time. it is very difficult, the ROCKS of Pennsylvania are brutal and they get worse over the next few days. I hope to be out of here and into NJ by Tuesday. Then on through and into NY by next weekend (7/23 & 24). There supposedly is another "Feed" to be held there by the '98 Thru-Hikers. No zeros though, if my feet can handle it. I'll write more later. I miss everyone.NOTE: There is a P.O. Box for Mom (Deb will post this soon) Please write her everyone. She needs encouragement.I talked to Mom last night. I was lucky and my cell phone had a signal AND power AND money on it (damn Virgin phones). Anyway, it took many tries to reach her, she is so bored, so lonely and so very much alone at the nursing home. My dream is to get her out of the nursing home environment, get her around people more her age, maybe even folks that have had a similar tragedy effect their lives (i.e. aneurysm, stroke). She needs care but also therapy. I know in my heart she can improve if I can just figure out how to improve her environment. Something more than home, more than a nursing home too; she needs to be around people she can share with and have a way to continue to have positive dreams. On Friday, the 15th will will be her 10 year anniversary with Brent (her husband). He couldn't handle what happened, hell, it's been hard on everyone. It has affected me so profoundly that I may never heal as well. I have shed so many tears out here on this trail for her. I have spoke to GOD. I don't know what else to do. It is sad, so...just so SAD. Imagine you're in your 40's, prime of your life - hell - time of your life...and your life is not taken - no, not in the total sense but you are left paralyzed, crippled in every way...all in one silent, total instance. Then what do you do? You awake a totally different functioning person. Your life goes on a ride you are never to enjoy.I am her son, the strong and mighty Domino and cannot ever do anything for her. I feel so small, so weak, so helpless. My mother, she needs miracles and I cannot come up with any. I have tried so hard for the past 5 years. I came so close with the "so-called" reality shows. Imagine what the word "almost" means in this situation.Laying here, alone, on a mountain in my tent, 1,200 miles north of where I started, but still no answers to how to help my mother...tears stream down my face, THAT's reality.I know Mom is counting on ME even though she won't ever say it so specifically. I hurt for what this has done to my family; it seems that there is nothing but bitterness from them all for having to accept and take care of my mom. I don't know if I can ever get things going back with the rest of the family in a postitive direction. I love my family. Believe me when I say that it USED to be the absolute best. When I vacationed from Florida it was home to Oklahoma because it was so cool to be around that atmosphere and still have the same friends there to see.I had that "you're not a child anymore, Christmas will never be the same..." moment the other day hiking when thinking about the "old" days of what I called "home" and going back to Okla. for trips. It will never ever be the same. I feel the magic is simply gone forever. I hold on to what I can, but the rest I must let go. Sad...I'm sorry this is my "pity party" writings, I simply needed to get it off my mind, put it out there for the universe to know. I feel my mother was cheated for all the effort she put out. A teenage girl with a child, she did something right, I turned out OK, and that family had a lot to do with me also. I hope that everyone grows strong no matter which direction they grow.I climbed a mountain once. Oh, this mountain was overlooking Vegas as my mother lay in a coma. I had to get closer to God, to see if I would be spoken to, to ask for her to live. I should have asked for her to live "like she always was." That's what Mom wants. She doesn't want what was dealt to her, and I certainly have come to understand that, to empathize with her. One thing I have learned very hard, be careful what you wish for, you might get it.So, I walk, hike, because she motivates me. My Mom can't meet me at a road crossing. I wish she could see me hike, hike with me, if only for a mile...a few feet. How do I get the sadness out of my soul?Tonight I will cry myself to sleep, thinking of my childhood in Jenks America, living in a mobile home, eating Spaghetti O's and hating school. I loved the summers and had my share of ticks back then. We always had a dog too (I'm allergic to cats - yuck). I used to be scared of the dark; now here I lay alone in the middle of nowhere, in the dark. I am scared of another kind of darkness now.So, I hike on. Mom told me to be careful, I said I would, but, out here, I don't know how that can be totally true. I long for this accomplishment, I hope my body can hold out and take me there.