Date: 2013-03-20
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: few clouds

With less than two weeks to go, time has started to behave strangely. It drags in slow motion and it speeds along at breakneck speeds, at the same time! I feel strangely about the start of this adventure, too. I feel numb, it seems surreal. It seems like hiking on the trail is something you talk about (and talk about, and talk about,) and something you plan for, but not something you actually do. It doesn't seem like it is something that is actually going to happen. I am such a jumble of emotions. My daily life is going to change dramatically in such a short time! I am excited yes, and happy, but also trepidation is starting to creep in, along with self-doubt. What makes me think I can do something like this? I must really be crazy! I am 54 years old, overweight, with bad knees. The stats say that something like only 10 per cent of the people who start the trail actually finish it. How can I be part of that tiny percentage? I could change my expectation from actually finishing the trail to going as far as I "can", but that feels very unsatisfactory to me. I don't want to go as far as I arbitrarily decide I can, I want to finish. I have to think that a bookie reading all the trail journals and placing odds on who will finish, would make me a long shot. Probably almost everyone else has more experience, stronger bodies, better gear, etc. But...don't count me out. I'm not an elephant loudly trumpeting my abilities, I'm more like a mouse in the corner squeaking "I think I can." I think I am strong enough to endure physical pain. I think I am optimistic enough to believe the sun will come out after days of rain. I think I am stubborn enough to refuse to give in to homesickness, boredom, despair. I think I am dull-witted enough to eat boring food for weeks on end. Of course, the 90% who don't finish believe all this about themselves, too. I realize that this is all dwelling on the possible negatives of life on the trail, and not the many positives, but I guess I need to confront the negatives as well. I have spent the last 8 or 9 months considering the positives. Why am I going to hike the trail? There is no good, complete, and satisfying answer to that question. I have lots of little answers that I have been giving that each tell a part of the whole truth, but none of them tell the complete truth. There is no complete truth, or at least I can't articulate the truth. But it's not just me, I have read lots of trail journals and books, and I've never read anyone give a good answer. I think it defies logic and the boundaries of language. I hate to sound too elitist, but I think it boils down to this: people who have no interest in hiking the trail, can never get an answer to the question of why that will make sense to them. And people who want to hike the trail don't need to ask themselves the question. The truth is in there, but it is understood and accepted, and doesn't need to be articulated. Now I know why, when asked why do you climb a mountain, George Mallory said, "Because it's there." That should be my answer--Why do I want to hike the AT? Because it is there.But, here are a few of my little reasons to hike the trail. The answers I have been giving to others (and to myself).*To de-program myself from this crazy, over-mechanized world.*To find silence and solitude, to reconnect to myself and to God. To reconnect myself to God.*To attempt something that is challenging. To challenge myself to do something that is inherently difficult, and that I have to accomplish on my own. *To break out of the mold, the rut. To find a way of life that is different, with its own culture, daily rituals, and expectations.*To attempt something physically demanding, while I can. I am healthy at age 54, and I don't take that for granted.*To find simplicity, and poverty. To live without luxuries. To strip life down to the essentials,and see what is left. To see who I am without a job or family to define me, or without belongings.*To see the beautiful natural world without a filter. St. Francis said something like the beauty of nature is the footprint of God. I want to wake up in the middle of God's footprint every morning, and go to sleep in it every night,and live surrounded by it every day.So these are a few of my poorly articulated reasons for wanting to hike the AT. Each one contains a part of the truth, but none of them tell the whole truth. The whole truth of "why" is all of these reasons, and something else that just is. The Trail is there, and I want to walk it.Thank you SO MUCH to everyone who has signed my guest book! I don't usually respond, but I read every one and treasure them, and appreciate that strangers take the time to read this journal and wish me well on my journey. I started this journal so that family and friends could follow along with me, and so that I could have a record of my trip when I get home. I never thought about other people being interested enough to read it. Thank you for all your encouragement!