Date: 2015-07-13
From: Home!

To: The Cookie Lady's House
Miles today: 18.0

Red Panda needs a lobotomy. Or therapy. Maybe both. Definitely the latter.Today was a bit of a rough day. I got up early to say goodbye to the pizza fairy before he left for work. I admit, I was sad to be leaving home. Not that I didn't miss the trail, but I didn't want to say goodbye to my family. I am always saying goodbye.I said goodbye to my mom an hour later. I somehow managed to hold it together when I climbed into the car with Carol and Eddie, my ride back to the trail. I didn't really want them to have to deal with me bawling in the back seat. I actually really wanted to talk to them, since they have been amazingly supportive of my hike and I hardly got to spend any time with them at the picnic.It didn't really hit me until later in the day that I had no idea when I would see my mom again. She and Dan had talked about the possibility of visiting me somewhere along the trail in a few weeks, but it's not a guaranteed thing. I might not see them again until after Katahdin. Very weird to think of. I called her twice today. I wanted to call dad, too, but worries about running out of battery kept me from doing so.My wonderful trail angels not only brought me back to Tyringham (Carol has an amazing brain and memorized the route - she didn't even have to look at a map on the way there!), but they also bought me second breakfast. Not only that, but they took back the leftover foam cooler and plastic bin from dad's trail magic. NOT ONLY THAT, they gave me $20 as I hauled Gertrude up on my back (despite my protests that I was the one that should be giving them gas money).Red Panda is a lucky girl.Breakfast was wonderful, too. An omelet with lots of veggies and protein! Perfect! It was so good that I didn't even stop for lunch, I just had a huge early dinner.So my day began wonderfully, despite parting with home, thanks to Carol and Eddie.But lately I have been out of it. I am tired. The honeymoon phase of the hike is long over, and sometimes I just don't want to have to put the effort into pitching my tent. I am really struggling with my eating disorder and weight gain. Spending time at home was wonderful but reality hits hard.Part of hiking the trail was to heal. I wanted to learn to become a better person. But this weekend, it felt like I slipped right back to my pre-hike self. I was impatient with my parents. I needlessly stressed out over the dozen little tasks and chores I needed to get done. And I ate too much, especially too much candy. I don't know why this is such an issue for me, but it is. Today I didn't eat ANY candy. I am trying to be healthy. I miss being healthy and happy. So I am trying to decrease my sugar intake. I would like to lose a few of the pounds I have gained, but for now I'll start with eating less sugar. Baby steps.So I walked the trail today alternating between feeling down and telling myself I was an idiot for being down. "Stop eating candy and feel better!" I told myself. "Enjoy the trail while you can!" "Don't let it bother you so much!"I am trying to convince myself that I can get myself under control. It might be possible...The hike usually helps me feel better. The exercise is a good way to release negative energy. I let it burn inside me and fuel miles. Anger and frustration are EXCELLENT motivators. Almost as good as trail magic.But today I just wanted to curl up in my bed and ignore the world. Totally dumb, right?! I have no idea what the heck is wrong with me (besides an extra chubby butt).Originally I was considering a long day of over 20 miles. I figured that since I started a little late, I could end a little late. I kind of want to catch Chris and Coco and Magnus. Not too soon - I think I need a bit of solitude for a while since I am such a basket case - but I do miss them and want to see them again. As I walked into the afternoon, though, it became clear that a long day wasn't going to happen.Around 2:00, thunder cracked behind me out of NOWHERE. It was so loud! Shortly afterwards, I was treated to some nice summer showers. They were of the light variety, the kind where you can be standing in a patch of sunlight shining in through the gaps in the trees but still be getting wet.The trail turned into a river. MUD WAS EVERYWHERE. My Merells quickly became coated in a layer of grime. I had to navigate extra carefully to avoid getting sucked into a black pit of muck. I kept picturing myself sinking down into the thick, slimy depths of a muck pit, my face barely broaching the surface, begging the next hiker to pass by to help drag me out by my trekking poles. Thankfully it didn't come to that.My clothes became more than a little damp, which led to chafing issues (UGH!).Speaking of... my poor butt has been suffering nonstop lately. It had been packed and stretched with extra pounds due to my M&M overconsumption. Humid weather and sweat have resulted in regular chafing. Today my hot pink undies dyed it AGAIN.And the newest butt problem? Well, every time I go to pee, my poor pink rump ends up COVERED in mosquitoes. It only takes a minute to pee, but those suckers only seem to need two seconds to affix themselves to my bottom. And what am I supposed to do?! I can't spray my butt with DEET, it would be wasteful and gross. I can't swat my butt as I go. For one, I am not that coordinated while squatting. Also, doing so would surely affect the steadiness of my flow. I do NOT want pee on my shoes.I have a lot of butt problems.Between the mud and the chafing and my dead sailor toes, and the pain developing around my tailbone from the weight of Gertrude (this is a weird new one), I decided to make it a shorter day. I passed by October Mountain shelter and hoped that I might be able to find a place to stealth camp. It soon became apparent that this endeavor was likely doomed. There are no stealth campsites anywhere around here.So I double-checked the book. Usually I miss things because I don't check the detail pages of the book enough. It lists restaurants, hotels, hostels, and other businesses and services near the trail. But today, I found the COOKIE LADY'S HOUSE. I am dead serious. This is a thing. There is a lady who bakes cookies and gives them to hikers. I think that might be my dream job....The cookie lady and her husband are allowing me to camp in their yard. There is an awesome dilapidating house out front which they use for storage, and where I am welcome to use a toilet. There are three chainsaws on the bathtub, the red hood of a truck outside the bathroom door, and about a dozen bicycles scattered around. I love it.I offered to help them by mowing or picking berries (they sell blueberries and raspberries) but the rain has made both of these tasks impractical.Lil Mermaid was here when I arrived! Upon introducing myself, she thanked me for my family's trail magic, and gave me a banana, which I was so grateful for. I had it as a healthy afternoon snack instead of M&Ms. Luckily I was not offered any cookies, so I was not thwarted in my attempts to eat slightly better.I cooked my dinner and pitched my tent in front of the cookie couple's house. I scrubbed some of the mud off of my legs at the spigot, wistfully remembering the last week and a half, when I was able to enjoy regular showers (I got so spoiled in Connecticut). I crawled in my tent early and will go to sleep VERY early because my poor stupid self needs to chill out and relax.New goals include:- drink more water- stop eating so much freaking chocolate (protein bars are okay)- stop gaining weight- only order small pizzas- relax and calm down- get enough sleep- learn more patienceI am thankful for a place to sleep (hooray for the cookie couple!), for a wonderful wedding to look back on, and for the future. Time heals, right? I'll be able to struggle through my problems. The trail always helps.