Date: 2016-02-28
To: Existential Angst
Miles today: 0.0

Sometimes I feel like I have been doing life all wrong. I don't have a career and have very few resume points that employers are looking for. I feel like I am behind so many of my peers. Many of them have careers. They have rings on their fingers. They have BABIES.I don't want a ring or a baby, but I do sometimes wish with all of the desire of a thru-hiker ordering a pizza after a week on the trail that I was settled onto a career path. HOWEVER, AT THE SAME FREAKING TIME, I wouldn't trade the adventures I've had for anything. I loved Korea. I miss living in Seoul. The five months I spent on the AT were filled with the most amazing, fulfilling, humbling, and educational experiences of my life (I am now a professional woods-pooper and bear-bag-hanger).And sure, I should have worked harder in college. I should have gotten an internship instead of sticking in the dining units for four years. But I needed the money, and I needed the time with the people I loved more at that point than anything. I wouldn't have made it through otherwise. Even knowing at that point I was making selfish introvert mistakes, I told myself, "nothing is more important than love."One time, trail mentor Alexa provided me, as she often does, with some excellent words of wisdom. At one point when I was considering my options (take an internship in Colorado? hike the AT? try to find a "real" job?) she contributed something along the lines of, "There are more important things in life than money."I have been trying to keep her words in mind as I struggle through my current but never-ending struggle to figure out what the heck to do with my life.I also bought some cheap fortune cookies for fun a week or two ago and have been considering their hints. I promise, I am not stupid enough to take these things really seriously, but sometimes they DO have a point. I do solemnly vow that I will not base a life decision wholly on the words printed on a slip of paper folded into a cheap cookie that is meant to bend my mind anyway.BUT I THINK I GOT SOME GOOD ONES. My fortunes have included:1. "Accept the next proposition you hear."2. "You lead a useful life no matter what riches are coming to you."and3. "From now on your kindness will lead you to success."The last one's a little questionable, but I think the first two are pretty sound.Red Panda needs independence. She needs her own place, as much as she loves her mom and the Pizza Fairy. She needs a schedule, a life, and something to do other than sit in front of the computer browsing LinkedIn and Indeed and rolling around the kitchen counters munching all the snacks in an effort to stave off the existential angst.I might be going just a LITTLE crazy. Adulthood overwhelms me.I have been offered an entry level, part-time job at a non-profit, which I think that I would really enjoy. But they want a one-year commitment, which I find very understandable.But that means PROBLEMS. 20 hours isn't enough. Not enough to afford an apartment, or to get healthcare, or to feed my insatiable tummy with all of the pizza and M&Ms it requires. 20 hours is for college students and mothers with small children, not for me, because I really need a freaking life. Yet it might be the perfect stepping-stone. It might be that foot in the door. It might make me HAPPY again.SO WHAT DOES A CONFUSED PANDA DO? TAKE THE JOB? Wait and try to find something full-time? Try to find another part-time job and find a way to make the schedules of both fit together?I have other possibilities. There are other jobs I have applied to and am waiting to hear back from. I have an interview for an internship, which would provide me housing, and independence, but less money. I don't know that I would find the work as interesting, either. Also, I just really don't want to be an intern anymore. Entitled Brat Panda wants an adult job (yes I do know I will probably get one, hate it, and regret ever typing that). Is it worth the wait to miss out on a job I might love, even if it's only part-time?This is my current dilemma. It shouldn't be that hard, but it is.There's this feeling deep inside of me that I'm waiting for something, but I don't know what it is. That there's something that will be right for me, and I'll know it when it comes, and I'm afraid to tie myself up with an obligation that might not work for me.I think that hiking the trail skewed my perception of life and reality.At this point, getting a $15/hr job, a small apartment, and just living life is normal. It's expected. You get a job, get a foot in the door, bide your time and work your way up, make connections and eventually fall into your career.But it feels so wrong and I don't know why. I can't adjust myself back to normal expectations. That's not what I want my life to be. At the same point, that's all I want my life to be... schedule and calmness and a break from the chaos of not knowing what's next or what the right choice is.Yet I don't want to travel constantly forever. I want to be able to save and retire. I want a home. I want to be able to rest in my same bed every night, without having to pack everything up and move on ever six months as the seasons change. I need to live alone. I need my space, my time, my silence. I hate the stress of constantly having to find a new job to fuel that lifestyle. I think that having the freedom to adventure during normal work vacations and weekends would be enough for me. I am looking forward to spring weekend backpacking trips.I just want to dump everything and get back on the AT. That won't help, though, will it? I'll just end up back in the same position yet again next September.Maybe I will buy a scratch ticket tomorrow. Lottery is definitely not my thing, but it's February 29th. A special thing might happen on a special day.Anyway, I'm still suffering from existential angst.I am so thankful that spring is coming. My heart is ready for fresh air. My skin is ready for sunshine. My legs are ready for mountains. My bicycle tires are flat but I can fix that in no time.I am thankful that my current dilemma is about whether or not to take a job, not about whether or not I'm going to bed hungry or cold.I am thankful for pizza and M&Ms tonight. I am thankful for Katahdin, the mountain and the kitten (that's what I named her, I don't care if it's corny). I am thankful for opportunities and journeys behind me and ahead of me, and for all of the people who are helping me along. I am truly lucky to have the family, friends, and internet "strangers" around me to help guide me. Thanks!