Date: 2005-01-12
To: Decompression
Miles today: 0.0

My last day on the trail was August 12th - less than five months after climbing Mt. Springer from Amicalola State Park on March 23rd. It has taken longer for me to sense where I am off the trail than it did to hike 1,500 miles. Which adjustment is harder, trail or post-trail? For me definitely post-trail. I had a clear purpose on the trail: walk and enjoy each day and write about it. Sure there were hardships: cold, pain, hunger, loneliness, fear, worries. But they were small compared to the satisfaction of being free to walk a trail in the woods, taking in trees, rocks, vistas, sky, clouds, and weather, and having the pleasure of meeting kindred souls.I have missed trail life every day, and it has been hard to talk about it with people who have not experienced it. Some see it as an achievement. But that is not what it was to me. It was a lifestyle, more than a challenge or interest. That is what I think makes it seem odd to others. It is not the way one is supposed to live and be happy. No job, no home, no income, no possessions except what is on your back, no service to others, no protection from the elements. The life of a pilgrim or a bum. Where is the value? Just a long, isolated, strenuous walk in the woods. It is hard to explain the appeal, especially when the longing for the trail is so strong in me. I can't explain it at that level. Sure I missed my family and friends - that was the greatest sacrifice. Sure sometimes it was boring and tedious. But everyday was an adventure with surprises around each bend and over each hill. I witnessed sunrises and sunsets in their coming and going, heard the power of the wind in the trees, answered birds calling, and I truly lived at peace within the glorious beauty of our natural world.I returned to the comforts of home. I did not go out much. At first I was bothered by noise, traffic, and the busyness of everyday life. I think I was somewhat depressed. Two months passed before I was ready to apply for a job. I did not want to return to my prior work as a Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor in the private sector, where I was restricted to serving the interests of insurance companies and attorneys. I thought I would do something more meaningful. So I visited a camp for at-risk teenage boys for several days to try that out. I quickly realized that a counselor in that setting has no other life. Much of the day was spent sitting in a classroom while the boys answered questions in their textbooks. Nobody wanted to be there. It was not what I imagined it would be. The counselors were great role models for the boys. But I did not feel that I would fit in: it was a young man's game.I did not know what to do next so I just took any job available. I did political survey calls in a phone room, tied to the automatic dialing of a computer and reading a script with expression while the supervisor walked up and down the aisles. It reminded me of forced labor in a slave galley, except the abuse was mental rather than physical. After a few nights, I went to a day job as a laborer in a screen print shop, until the chemical fumes got to me. Next was a seasonal job selling meats and cheeses in a mall kiosk. I survived that by imagining that I was perched on a rock in a river instead of in the midst of a sea of shoppers. I hope I never have to bear the torture of unceasing mall Christmas muzak again. Lately I have been substitute teaching at a Job Corps Center and taking on a few rehab referrals.I just want to be back out on the trail, but there are bills to pay monthly and I must work and save a little before I can do that. I have applied for counselor job openings with the state and expect a few offers. A public sector job may allow more opportunities to serve people in need than my work in the private sector did, mired in litigation. The salary is not great and there is more bureaucracy involved, but it looks like a good compromise for now. I will get back to the AT. Next weekend as a matter of fact, when I attend the Southern Ruck at the Nantahala Outdoor Center in North Carolina. After that I will resume my journey north at Bear Mountain this summer with whatever time I can make available. Wish me luck!I wish to thank all those who encouraged me along the way: my loving wife who kept things together at home, was my lifeline and posted my journal, my mother who cheered me on, my son who walked with me and bolstered my spirits, and all of the hikers who encouraged me on the trail: Southwalker, Andy (who is already northbound from Springer again), Smoky Mt. Steve, Pirate, Sarge, N.T. Ranger, Sunshine, Bucket, Restless, Enigma, Homer, TreeFrog, Joanne, Pete, TrailDog, Keith and all the hostel owners and trail angels I met. Thank you all. You will be in my heart forever.