Date: 2005-01-29
To: camels...
Miles today: 0.0

¢My friends were falling in love w/ them [the camels] as much as I was, though they wrongly accused me of projecting human attributes on to them. We laughed at them for hours. They were better to watch than a Marx Brothers movie.¢ -- TracksSo, in Tracks, Robyn Davidson is planning this 2,000-mile excursion across the Australian outback, where she¢ll lead 3 camels as pack animals. Completely ignorant as to the care and training of these dromedaries, she¢s seeking advice from people running camel-centric tourism ventures. One such man offers to hire her for 6 months, to give her experience in their handling, whereupon he¢ll sell her one of his camels, at a reduced rate. A fine specimen, he assures her, don¢t be deceived by its missing eye. ¢A blind camel for a thousand bucks, I thought to myself. I could buy a bloody elephant for that.¢ She then proceeds to describe these curious beasts, as deceptively intelligent, playful, ¢very difficult to train, being of an essentially undomestic turn of mind as well as extremely bright¢¦ Nor do they smell, except when they regurgitate slimy green cud all over you in a fit of pique or fear.¢ This mental image calls to mind a family pet -- Wilson. Now, Wilson isn¢t a camel, but he¢s not the family dog either. He¢s a llama. (Yes, he¢s the result of an unfortunate whim of Mom¢s. His value as a novelty and a conversational piece wore off long ago.) Davidson describes camels as being highly intelligent, despite their comical appearance. Well, anyone who has gazed into the liquid, brown, soulful eyes of Wilson has to feel that there is some depth, some well of intelligence, of understanding hidden there. Until, that is, he gnoshes his jaw, exposing two, giant buckteeth, protruding at a steep angle from his lower mandible, over his upper lip. Somehow, it¢s hard to take him seriously after that. And, he isn¢t exactly well-groomed. If camels are skittish and easily startled, llamas are camels experiencing caffeine-overload -- overly sensitive and jumpy. Wilson has a tendency to throw his hay around in his stall and then sleep on it, resulting in random pieces of straw poking haphazardly from his coat. Llama wool, though not as prized as their cousin alpaca¢s, is frequently spun and used in knitting. So, Mom initially tried to brush him. That is, until he kicked her one day. And that, as they say, was the end of that. So, now Wilson looks like a gawky, gangly, awkward, 4-legged ostrich perpetually halfway through the molting process. (As an aside, it¢s disturbingly startling how many people, upon hearing my parents have a llama, ask if that is ¢one of those odd, flightless, Australian birds¢. No. He isn¢t. Those are emus. Totally different. Emu. Llama. One¢s a bird. One¢s a mammal. One¢s two-legged. One¢s four-legged. Evolved on entirely different continents. And hemispheres. Emu. Llama. Got it? Good.) And the spitting thing? Yeah. Disgusting. Unbelievably, vomit-inducing gross. It starts w/ his head being raised up, ears laid flat. Your first warning. Then, he makes this distressed honking noise. Time to back away, b/c when you hear a gurgling sound emanating from low in his throat, you only have seconds before the most staggeringly disgusting substance imaginable comes spewing from his mouth, w/ the speed and accuracy of a slingshot, accompanied by a loud HOWCK. Now, fortunately, I have never been the target of one of these regurgitated spitballs. Our horse, Lady, is the only recipient I know of, and she bears the presence of these quivering green globs on her neck w/ surprising equanimity.But wait... Wilson has more personality quirks. Yes, there¢s more. He¢s incurably, inquisitively curious. He has a positive fascination w/ cameras, even after the discovery that they aren¢t edible. He¢s had enough of them shoved in his face, that they don¢t startle him (much). Instead, he cranes his neck out, lips gumming in a nervous tic, getting up-close-and-personal w/ the lens. And, despite his poor personal grooming habits, he¢s incredibly fastidious about his domicile. Unlike horses, who tend to simply¢¦ release when the need claims them, Wilson has designated areas for both #1 and #2. Makes mucking the stall infinitely easier. And then, he¢s got this way of walking that¢s guffaw-inducing. Well, walking isn¢t exactly the appropriate word. A boisterous, bounding bounce. Dad calls it the Pepe le Pew move. All 4 legs, tensing in unison, coiled like a spring; then a simultaneous release, propelling him upwards and forwards, only to land and repeat the process. BOING, BOING, BOING. You can almost hear the sound effect. The only thing missing is the poofy tail and the white stripe down his back. But, it¢s a remarkably efficient mode of travel -- he¢s covers distance extremely rapidly that way. And, it¢s just hilarious to see. He¢s an odd duck, that Wilson is.