Date: 2005-02-17
To: It Worked! I'M CURED!
Miles today: 0.0

In an earlier journal entry (#8), I responded to a question that MotherGoose had asked about why she needed to take ear plugs along on the hike. I explained that there were several reasons, but the main one had to do with the problem of snorers ¢ usually older guys, like me. A really loud snorer can ruin the sleep of everyone else in the shelter ¢ at least those who failed to bring ear plugs along. I confessed that I was one of those guys whose snoring was so loud it could wake the dead. But I also noted that I was in the process of trying to do something about it. A number of alert readers wrote to me with advice, some of which was actually helpful. Liteshoe, for example, suggested I take along extra ear plugs to hand out in the event I found it necessary to sleep in a shelter. Not knowing whether my treatment plan was going to work, I did just that. After cleaning out the stock on the shelf at my local Home Depot store one weekend, it occurred to me that I¢d have to have more if I were going to stay in more than one shelter, as some of the shelters can accommodate up to 12 hikers. They were still out of stock when I went back the next weekend, so I asked the manager to order a bunch just for me, and to let me know when they came in.        Meanwhile, I got to spend the night at a ¢sleep center¢ located on the 10th floor of a local hospital. I showed up promptly at 9 pm, and by 9:30 I had been admitted, turned in my pre-test questionnaire (and, of course, a rather large check), and been escorted to the upper levels and introduced to the very nice Nigerian nursing student who was going to monitor me while I slept. I changed into my jammies, the new ones my wife gave me for Christmas that say ¢Mr. Wonderful¢ on them. I don¢t quite have the nerve to wear the other ones (¢I¢m her stud muffin¢) in public yet. I then sat in a chair while she attached a 12-lead EKG monitor, plus a pulse-oximeter, plus a nasal thingie that measures the volume of air going in and out, plus a little micro-phone that was taped to my throat to pick up any possible indications that I might actually snore. I told her I didn¢t really think she needed that last little device, as she wasn¢t going to be on another floor or anything ¢ she¢d just be in the next room, but she insisted. Protocols, she said. I said I understood, and was then instructed to get into bed and try to go to sleep. Try? Me?? Not a problem! According to the subsequent evaluation, ¢the subject was sound asleep within four minutes.¢ I think their clock may have been slow, but the rest of the instruments seemed to work ok, and told a rather interesting story. It seems there was a bit of a sleep apnea sort of thing. That¢s where the soft palate in the back of your mouth, and/or your tongue, sort of block your airway when you¢re sleeping, causing you to sort of stop breathing. Ok, not sort of, you DO stop breathing.   How bad was it? Well, let me put it this way. When I run calls with the Rescue Squad, anyone with an oxygen saturation level less than 97% is probably going to get some O2, either through a nasal cannula or a non-rebreather mask. Anything under 95%, and it¢s not optional. My baseline reading was something like 92 or 93, and my low was 80. Brain cells are disappearing by 80, ok. So, I thought, maybe I SHOULD go ahead with my plan, and maybe it¢s not just about the decibels. Which, by the way, were, shall we say, ¢detectable¢.   OK, so on to step B of the action plan: the good Dr. Hausfeld, MD.         I didn¢t know quite what to expect when I first met him, but I¢d had really good vibes just from talking to the nice young lady who answered his phone when I called to make an appointment. I¢d gotten his name from a web site for this new medical procedure, just recently approved by the FDA, that involves inserting three little pillars into your soft palate to make it, well, not so soft any more. Beyond that, I didn¢t know a thing about him. What I ended up with was one of the best physicians around who specialize in nose and throat problems like mine. He also specializes in people with voice problems, such as singers, and he understands those issues because he is, himself, a cantor. (I asked if his treatment would enable me to sing better. He smiled, and gave me an unequivocal no.) A medical degree from Yale, no less, with enough certificates and plaques and awards and newspaper and magazine articles lying around his office to quell the anxieties of the most paranoid of patients. Some of the awards were for teaching the stuff he was going to do to me, and I especially like those kinds of things. If you want to be sure you know something, try teaching it! So basically, I lucked out with that part of the plan, and was confident I was in good hands.         The nice lady on the phone turned out to be even more of a gem in person. She runs the place, of course, and keeps it all moving smoothly. She¢s very well organized, very smart, used to be a speech therapist before she became a stay-at-home Mom, and is now ¢a slave again¢ ¢ her words, but spoken with a smile and taken with a grain of salt. Susan¢s her name, and when I told her about my hike and my journal, she got the web page from me and started reading it. I told her that, when I was all done with my treatments, I¢d be doing a follow-up journal entry, and she¢d probably be in it. (Here it is, babe! Just like I promised!)        Don¢t tell anyone, but she¢s still a Mom. Dr. Hausfeld did three different operations on me over a four week period, and she knew in advance exactly what I¢d be going through. She was very caring, and gave me great advice on what to expect each time, and what to do when I got home. More importantly, she knew at what point I might need just that extra little bit of support, and was there with a squeeze of the hand while the mean old doctor tortured...no, wait...it just seemed like that. He was actually very good and I very much appreciated all the nice anesthetics that he used, with highly salutary effects ¢ most of the time.        I won¢t bother you with all the details, but suffice it to say that I am now missing certain parts of my former anatomy, and other parts are smaller and/or firmer than they have been in years. Sort of like what I¢m hoping the trail will do for my butt after I¢ve hiked it for a few months. The throat part of the procedure was a lot like when I had my tonsils out, but I didn¢t get as much ice cream this time. The nose part wasn't nearly as bad, fortunately, and the whole experience was really pretty tolerable.         The important thing, of course, is the result. And guess what? I DON¢T SNORE ANY MORE!   I can¢t believe it. My WIFE can¢t believe it. But it¢s true. I¢m SOOOO happy. Now I can sleep in the shelters just any ol¢ time I want to, and I won¢t get assassinated. I may get mauled by a bear, but not for my snoring¢¦        As you can imagine, I am just thrilled. In fact, there is only one tiny little drawback, and it¢s really almost not worth mentioning.   It seems the manager of our local Home Depot store called yesterday and left a message on our home answering machine. My ear plugs order has come in. It¢s behind the cash register in the hardware department. Anybody know anybody who needs 10,000 pairs of ear plugs...Stay tuned,