Date: 2007-10-25
From: Downhome B&B, Milo, Maine

To: Downhome B&B, Milo, Maine
Miles today: 0.0

*****Ok Folks: That's it, Im off the trail! I had about 78 more miles to Kathadin. I know; how could someone go nearly 2,100 miles on the AT for nearly 10 months and be so close and not finish? I wish I had a witty answer or something that would make sense. I really dont. I could intellectualize and give you a long list of things. I wish I could give a good reason for ending my hike before the trail's northern terminus that I have now attempted four times. Sometimes a man just has to be honest and say that I did not make it. In the grand sense of hiking from Springer Mtn, GA to Mt Kathadin, ME and "completing" the AT; I was unsuccessful. If you have read my entire journal: you know that this has been a lifetime desire of mine. "Real life is stranger than fiction." Ive heard many thru hikers say, "I have accomplished what I have wanted to on the trail" when they decided to terminate their thru hikes. That is not the case for me. I definetly wanted to finish; but in consolation, I did get to see most of the trail; got into great shape; and met so many great folks in person or online. I did learn that a thru hike does have it's "work" and it is not really an escape from the "real world". The hiking and camping become the "real world". "O.G." says that I should have worn a Union Civil War Uniform on trail journals, instead of the Confederate one that i posted. I guess my assault on Kathadin was my "Picket's Charge". I know that i am going to have to "eat alot of crow" for not finishing. Im ready, "serve it up". Early in my hike; one of you readers, said that I was your "anti hero". I do hope that I am still seen that way. As my life has been an "open book" to you all over the last 10 months; I often wondered if I had become "Zero"; a character in a story; and wondered where Terry went? In the end, I feel as a literary tragic hero with tragic flaws that lead to an anti-climactic end? I have tried to give you all a trail journal beyond ramen and miles. I wanted to give an in depth look into the psychological drama of a thru hiker; which was all too often: too personal. Much of the time, I struggled to not decompensate as I wrote my stories. The writing was very cathartic; so, the journal was for me as well. I have always felt like I did not get to live enough in a fun innocent adolescent environment(whether that is true or not or even if it was my own rebeliousness that caused it). Well, that is definetly over. I think I hiked that "little boy" out of me. I also wanted to give in depth descriptions of the trail sub-culture. I will do much more of this in future writings. I could not do as much portraying of the trail anthropology because I was "in the forest" and I feared retribution from the people, cults, groups, etc that are out here. If you cross the wrong people out here, your hike can become much more difficult. I also wanted to do a "daily" journal that showed much of the trail's physical terrain and how I dealt with the struggle. This also included the daily fun and freedom that the trail offers. The beauty is here everyday and was never lost or not seen. Believe me, I was cognizant of the rare gift of hiking the trail for such a long time. Now for the intellectualization. Again, I chose to stop and I did not make it. That is really the end of the story. Everything henceforth: are excuses for going home. There is a common saying, "the straw that broke the camel's back"(precipitating cause). It was not just a piece of straw that had the camel collapse; it was the whole bale. I have always believed that the sum is greater than the parts. Gestaltism: The school or theory of psychology that emphasizes the wholeness and organized structure of every psychological, physiological, and behavioral experience, maintaining that experiences are not reducible and thus cannot be derived from a simple summation of perceptual elements such as sensation and response. Also called Gestalt psychology. I will try to put the above paradigm into perspective as it relates to my decision to get off of the trail. The precipitating cause for my decision to get off of the trail was finding myself 30 miles off of the trail with wet boots; dayight drifting away; storm clouds gathering; temperatures dropping long-term; being financially strained; needing a way home from Kathadin; and, conscientiously, not being able to ask my ride to reschedule picking me up. With all this and other factors to be mentioned; I made a decision under self imposed mental duress to go home. When people ask me the reasons for my divorce? I always tell them that there were about 50 reasons. I feel that is about the same for getting off the trail. Here are the reasons:1)Chronic Fatigue: I have been completly worn out for months. My knees, shoulders, ankles, elbows, sternum, rib cage, and neck are killing me. My eyes do not have conjunctivitis; but, my left eye is always itching and when I rub it; it begins twitching uncontrollably.2)Diet: The constant diet of high sodium foods along with my iodine water treatment, mixed with low protein and less vitamins/nutrients have me nauseous some of the time. Along with the constant longing for a steak or a salad that cannot be fullfilled in a short town stint.3)Hygiene/shower: The once a week shower is too much. My face has some sort of rash on it.4)Sleep: Just cant get enough, particularly at the right times.5)Transient lifestyle: the once fun lifestyle is getting to me. the packing up and the unpacking everyday.6)Finances: Blown.7)Weather: starting Saturday, the 27th: the weather is predicted to be more like normal Maine weather.8)clothing: tired of wearing the same thing, all the time.9)loneliness: you wouldnt believe.10)Mental state: Im barely holding on.11)Closing of Kathadin: The constant disinformation and the official park rules.12)Comforts of being indoors: TV, football, baseball, bed, warm bed, shower, movies, etc13)Health: lingering sinus & lung congestion.14)ride home: That is a partial list of factors that lead to me going home.**What kept me going recently was the extreme beauty that I experienced everyday; how my readers would feel; and how the people of Franklin, NC would feel. I know that you all will not believe this; but, I have come to terms with my decision. Even though, it may cost me a book; I was done; it also leaves open a sequel. A sequel that would involve a video camera with a daily video summary, along with the days scenery; people; history; and other hiker highlights. The journey would start in Key West, FLA in January(not 2008) and then go all the way north, until the weather clears in Newfoundland, Canada and then come south to where I "Flipped". I would take what I learned this time to do complete it: mainly "mo money, mo money, mo money!" I will have about 10-20 other journal entries that get into such titles as: Worst nights sleep; "Roni"; "Roni" vs "Baltimore Jack"; The 4 mountain hurricanes of fall 2004; Joe Green, "The Green Machine"; The hole in my back; 2006; FAQ; Trail Anthropology; Trail Etiquette; Trail "Characters"; & The 5 Minute Window; among others. I do not expect you all to keep reading because this journal was about my 2007 AT thru hike(now just a long section hike); but, if you do keep reading for the next month or so: I would like for you all to ask me to expand on certain subjects that you are interested in, either, ones that I have mentioned, or not; or subjects that you would like expanded; or even subjects that you think that should be deleted......Yall take care now, ya hear?##############################################################################"General Pickett, finding the battle broken while the enemy was still reinforcing, called the troops off. There was no indication of panic. The broken files marched back in steady step. The effort was nobly made and failed from the blows that could not be fended." Lt. General James Longstreet,Discussing the end of Pickett's Charge,Originally from "From Manassas to Appomattox"As quoted in "The Civil War Archive",Black Dog & Leventhal Publishers, p429 ###############################################################################