Date: 2014-04-17
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But What About After?It is an odd thing to be caught in the interim- the median between spaces of life. But the longer I spend out here the more I realize that is where I stand. Most of the hikers here are doing the same. This trail acts as a sort of mural on what would otherwise be a blank wall in life. It is a task to fill the void between high school and college or undergrad and post-bach; a walk to fill the empty time after graduation, retirement, the end of a marriage or the loss of one's children to higher education. No one wants white walls in their lives. But then it cannot be helped but to realize that this adventure too has an expiration date. Because most of us began this walk in a state of flux many people have trouble seeing past Katadin. We are rushing towards it en mass, and wishing for its completion. And yet it also hangs as a distant, hazy, almost untouchable image. It feels so unattainable and gargantuan that many hikers avoid thoughts of the after because it feels like there can be no after. But something in that rests uneasily upon me, and I find myself questioning the "after" more and more. What is life after trail?I talked over this phenomenon as I hiked a few days ago with a guy I'll refer to as "K." K hiked the PCT in 2012, so has gone through this experience before. He spent 6 months walking and living free. He was in love with a girl he met on the trail. He was in love with the trail. And when he hit Canada and was suddenly back home he felt the wind kicked out of him. In everything he had read and researched no one had discussed what it's like to go back to "real life." It is practically a dirty subject. We hikers like to pretend that we are the wizard race, compared to the muggles living the daily grind, unaware that magic exists. But we are not wizards, and reality must eventually seep back in. So best to prepare. K did not and found himself ill-equipped to face anything else. He didn't want two lives. He wanted trail life to be real life. He rebelled against the normal route of dual existence: trail life/ real life. He had caught the trail bug bad and wasn't able to shake the depression until he got a job doing trail work in Alaska. The trail gets into your blood and won't let you go. It's worse for some than others. K redirected his energies and figured out a way to earn some money from it to send him here for his second thru hike, but not everyone is so lucky. We have a term for the hiker that is ruined for everything else: trail trash. It can be used as a derogatory or not. It rather depends on the context... And who you're talking about. And so I'm caught in the conundrum: what's next for me?I like to have a plan. I'm fine with winging some things, and I am willing to be flexible, but I like guidelines, maps, and directions. I am not, and will never be, a happy and aimless wanderer. I do not want to become "hiker trash," even in a good sense, but I also am drawn to K's wish to avoid duality. And so... What's next? What's next? Can there be another dream large enough to overshadow. Katadin? A new adventure that will consume the massive amount of energy produced by this exertion? Yes. I refuse to see the other side of Katadin as the dark side of the moon. Something lies beyond it. another white wall to fill. Another kind of hill to push my boulder up. A new challenge on which to sharpen my teeth. And do you want to know the real beauty of the "after?" Yeah, me too. We can be surprised together.