Date: 2003-09-26
From: Long Pond Stream

To: Stream
Miles today: 6.3
Weather: scattered clouds

Date:9.26.03Starting Location: Long Pond StreamDestination: StreamMileage: 6.3I feel like a complete failure. I have hiked all day long, and all we covered is 6.3 miles! The terrain in the 100 Mile Wilderness is a lot tougher than we thought it would be, and I just couldn't make the miles. The morning started beautifully, with the four of us sharing quiet conversation over bagels and oatmeal. As we packed up to go, I found myself full of anxiety. This whole thing just scares me. No real bail-out points.... required amount of miles to do....and rocks and roots and rocks!!! And I find that I am in a major panic about the miles I have to do here at the end. One day of hiking and I am already behind! Sometimes I feel like I have become so much braver out here, and so much stronger....but other times I just feel so scared. I have reason to be aware...running out of food is a serious concern out here, so we have to be diligent about getting the miles in. And I have all of the skills I need to be out here...but that doesn't stop me from being scared.Now, don't get me wrong...I don't regret yesterday at all. Given the terrain we traveled today, I don't think I could have made it given my physical state yesterday. I just wish we had more time.Today we climbed a BIG mountain. A 2000 foot climb with lots of rock scrambles. I considered it training for Katahdin, and I was really proud of how well I did while climbing it. I was getting in the rhythm and going up long distances without having to stop. I can feel that I have gotten so much stronger.We finally reached the top, and it was very cold and windy, so we went down into the trees to stop for lunch. We were quickly joined by four of our friends, and we settled into a little cove of stunted pines to laugh over our tuna and beef jerky. During our conversation, I found out that all of them had already come 8 miles, and were doing 9 more to the next shelter! As they talked about getting together that night to sing, I felt my heart sink.There was no way I could make it that far, and as a result, I would miss all of the fun. Bumpkin wouldn't leave me, so as a result, she would also miss out on the camraderie.For the first time I felt like a complete failure on this hike. The times I felt like a normal thru hiker, and one of the gang,....well, they were a joke, cause I am neither of those things. My world came crashing down on me and I just wanted to go home. I am sick of being so slow. I am sick of having to filter my water, deal with the elements, wear the same clothes for days at a time, lay on the ground, slosh through the mud, and eat Ramen Noodles. And I am sick of being scared. It is exhausting.As the afternoon came to an end, the clouds moved in and ensconsed us in a wet, white world. The last part of our hike was a steep descent down a narrow corridor of boulders and steep rock faces, all of which were slick with algae and moisture. It was miserable and I spent much of it on my rear end. When I finally got down to the stream where we intended to camp, I was wet and cold and covered with mud.We quickly set up our tents and changed clothes. The temperature was dropping rapidly, and we could see our breath. I was struggling to remain composed when Bumpkin said with a smile, "Save room for dessert! We are celebrating tonight!". Yep...today is our six month anniversary on the trail! Of course, I spent two of those months recovering from a broken foot, but six months ago today, Bumpkin and I hiked out of Woody Gap together.I remember it like it was yesterday, I was crying, Mom was crying, my friend Christine was rolling her eyes at us, and Jerry was filming the whole thing. I realized that before I got to feeling too bad about myself, I should remember how far I have come, and baby, looking back to that day.....I have come a long way!I looked at Bumpkin and asked her if the ony thing keeping me from performing like all the other hikers was my weight. After laughing and asking me if this was a trick question, she said that yes....that was basically the only thing. She said it so sincerely that I felt like a load was taken off of my shoulders. I have felt like there was some fundamental diference between me and the other hikers...a difference that was beyond my control. But maybe that is not the case. I knew that coming out here would not solve my weight issues, and I knew that I couldn't fix my weight in six months. So maybe I am losing sight of the bigger picture. I am slow, but I am still here. I haven't quit and I haven't given up. I am going to try and hold on to that thought....Love, Anna aka Mud Buttwww.trailjournals.com