Date: 2008-11-17
To: Ted
Miles today: 0.0

Where do I even begin?¢¦          Ted was my only brother. He was also the youngest, the coolest, the tallest, the kindest, the most handsome, the most generous, and the most humorous in my family. He was the only one not to criticize me. Although we rarely had the opportunity to spend time together, I felt a strong bond with him, and looked forward to the day when we could be closer. That day never came. Ted¢s life was cut short when he was killed in a car accident in the early morning hours of Thanksgiving 2000.        None of my immediate family members had planned to spend that day together. This ¢family¢ had long been deeply wounded and fractured, leaving me and my siblings to find other homes to visit if we did not want to be alone on this (and every other) holiday. As a result of this accident, we ended up spending an extremely tense and difficult day in the hospital together, with only small amounts of terse talk, no hugs, no consoling, and no grieving while we waited for Ted to be taken off life support.       To tell you the truth, it could have been worse. Ted could be paralyzed or brain damaged, still alive, but under the daily control of a severely mentally-ill mother. This scenario would result in suffering of unimaginable proportions. At least he was now free. We were the ones left to suffer. My mother took the opportunity to exert a newly found power over her adult children. She locked Ted¢s basement room and would not allow us in to see either his things or the condolence cards written about him. Years passed, and she still had a list of excuses. Finally, the basement flooded and Ted¢s things were destroyed.         After Ted¢s death, I thought my father would realize that any of his other children could be gone at any moment and would want to start establishing a relationship with us. But nothing changed. Mired in guilt and regret, he spends his life with his second wife, out of contact with me. His children don't seem to be of importance to him. Of my four remaining immediate family members, I am only in contact with one sister.         Ted¢s death leaves a gaping hole in my life. I don¢t understand why he had to be taken from me and the many others who loved him. The only conclusion that I can come to, is that perhaps he learned all of the lessons he was meant to learn at a young age. The rest of us are still struggling. Maybe we are not kind enough to each other, maybe we are too selfish, or too greedy, or too stingy. Maybe we hide in our faults, instead of working through them. Ted had a lot of pain and adversity in his life, yet he managed an optimistic outlook. He rarely complained, he stood up for people who were made fun of by others, he shared the money he earned, he had plans to make the world around him better.        I had wanted Ted to join us for a hike in the White Mountains in the summer of 2000, but that June, he suffered an earlier serious accident (this time escaping death). He fractured his collar bone, as well as some facial bones, and received a gash in his forehead. I never got him to the mountains.        I hope, in some way, that Ted¢s spirit can follow me on my upcoming hike. I¢d like to dedicate it to him. I know he would fully support me and that he would be proud of me and I¢d like to be able to honor him. I don't want him to be forgotten. ¢Oh, brother I can¢t, I can¢t get through I¢ve been trying hard to reach you ¢causeI don¢t know what to doOh brotherI can¢t believe it¢s trueI¢m so scared about the future and I want to talk to youOh I want to talk to you¢¦.¢                                                                        -ColdplayWho can say for certainMaybe you're still hereI feel you all around meYour memories so clearDeep in the stillnessI can hear you speakYou're still an inspirationCan it be ?¢¦And I believeThat angels breatheAnd that love will live on and never leaveFly me up to where you areBeyond the distant starI wish upon tonightTo see you smileIf only for awhile to know you're thereA breath away's not farTo where you are                                             -Linda Thompson (Josh Groban)