Date: 2019-04-12
From: Fontana Dam Shelter

To: MollieÃÂÃÂ¢ÃÂÃÂÃÂÃÂs Ridge Shelter 
Miles today: 11.8
Weather: overcast clouds

Today made me question a lot of things. I don¢t want to have so much negativity about this trip, because I¢m out here to enjoy myself and this journey, but I have to acknowledge that the adjustments and the past pain I¢m working through is going to make it tough. Today was just so tough. And today I actually wanted to quit the trail and it¢s making me miserable to even think that because it¢s been my dream for so long and it¢s so early on. It started this morning with the rain. My entire trail family clan decided to stay back because Ringer had a horrible night¢s sleep and his knee is bothering him. I feel really bad for him because he snores and someone was poking and cursing at him all night. I definitely find the snoring really annoying, but I was tired enough to sleep through it last night, and Ringer is the sweetest man; I know he can¢t help it. He left the shelter because he didn¢t want to be poked and he tried to sleep outside, and his knee was bothering him too. Poor Ringer. Everyone stayed behind for him and Lexi even said it¢s because we¢re ¢family¢. I felt horrible for pushing on instead of staying with them. I know, hike your own hike, but it made me really think about what I want out of this friendship-wise and what¢s important to me. I continued on in the rain, alone, and reached Fontana Dam and the Visitor Center. Inside, there was a lady with candy and a stamp for my AT Passport. It was a cool place and it was nice to stop for a minute. Another couple hiking the AT together was there as well. I headed out and walked across the Dam. Honestly that was the best part of today. It¢s literally part of the trail to walk over the Dam and for some reason I loved that. It was nerve-wracking looking down. And there was fog in the mountains. On the other side was the lake from last night, which still looked beautiful in the fog and rain. After the Dam, I turned right and headed down a road for a bit to head to the trailhead of the entrance to the Smokey¢s. I was feeling pain in my ankle at this point, which was annoying. I finally reached the trailhead and by this point, it wasn¢t raining anymore, which was nice. I dropped off my permit in the box, took off all of my rain layers, and headed off. It was uphill all morning, as I expected. I finally reached a peak with a firetower and Mountain Laurel and Chad were there having lunch. The firetower was off-trail a bit, but I wanted to see it because I love views. I walked up to it and it was a bit eerie. It was rusty and old and the top floor was rotting. It was very windy too. But the views were fantastic, so I¢m glad I climbed it. I went back down and had lunch. Unfortunately, TMI, I really had to go to the bathroom, and with little greenery was having trouble. But I found a place. It¢s just a struggle sitting in the dirt every time because you get covered in dirt, even though I¢m very clean about the whole process. It just added to my bad mood to be covered in dirt and leaves. I went back and finished lunch, but was forcing down my tortilla. After lunch, I was feeling better physically, but not mentally. I was pushing through the hills and not having too much pain, other than a little in my ankle. My decision to put that food in my body was turning out to be worth it. Things went downhill again when there was a part of the trail not well maintained. There was a massive tree across it and someone had again just dug a small path around it, but it was all mud and slippery. I couldn¢t get down the hill side and was afraid of slipping so I sat down to ease my way down, but that was worse and I got covered in mud. I was pretty miserable at this point and all I could think was ¢I hate this¢. Which is really so sad to me because I don¢t want to hate it. I was crying again (I know I know I cry a lot I have a lot of feelings) but this time I was crying because I hated the trail and I didn¢t want to hate it. I hated myself for feeling that way. I hated that I was covered in mud and leaves and I hated that I still had so much more mileage to go. I reached a crossing with a sign and it said 3 miles to the first shelter, and I was headed to the second, which meant I had 5 miles left to go. It was 5pm. It was really too bad that I was feeling the way I was because right in this spot was a beautiful field of white flowers. The whole ground as far as I could see was covered in them. It was like a blanket of snow, but flowers. The trail was very muddy at this point so I was going very slowly to avoid more messes with mud. I reached a water trail and I decided to get water because the AWOL guide said the water sources were unreliable at the next two shelters. I also thought maybe I could wash off some of the mud. It worked somewhat and made me feel better, but then I met up with people at the trailhead and they said it was still another 1.7 miles to the first shelter. It was just taking forever to get there. I felt like I had gone so far, but I hadn¢t. It was starting to thunder and I was losing daylight. I was truly miserable. I followed the two men to the shelter, which was all uphill for 1.7 miles and I was losing it. I didn¢t even want to be here and I was just pushing my body forward. It was such a low. I finally got to the shelter and I set up my tent. It wasn¢t where I wanted to go today, but I couldn¢t keep going. I made my dinner from the vestibule in my tent and just ate and tried to relax. There were bear cables so thankfully I didn¢t have to deal with hanging my bag. I got in my tent and in my dry clothes. It¢s chilly here, but I slept well. I fell asleep instead of writing this because I just needed to process. I am writing this the next morning because I need to get it out and hopefully I will have a better day today. I¢m lonely and muddy and sad, and I really wish I could say it was different. I am still really proud of myself for making these decisions and judgement calls and trying to listen to myself, but I am upset that I can¢t make this trip what I wanted it to be right now. I¢m upset that I even thought the word ¢hate¢ today. I¢m going to have a late start today and a late end today because I still have mileage to make up, but I¢m going to take it one step at a time and try my best. I will head for whatever shelter I can handle today. I¢m sorry again for the negativity. I want to be able to see the positives of this journey right now, and I really did see them during my zero day, but I am just not seeing them today. Little Debbie