Date: 2003-11-04
From: thistle hill shelter

To: merck forest & farmland center
Miles today: 6.1

unfortunately, i was awake early. awake to the sound of the pouring rain pounding on the tin roof of the shelter. i'm not sure what it was about this shelter roof, but the beating of the rain resonated almost like someone hitting a drum. i couldn't even hear myself think, much less sleep.thirty degrees and pouring rain. something just doesn't make sense. something just isn't adding up here. let's see- the freezing point of water is 32 degrees fahrenheit. that should mean that if it is 32 degrees or colder, then it should snow or, at least, sleet. yet, it was 30 degrees this morning and pouring rain. yeah, vermont pretty much sucks. vermont in november pretty much blows.this is the kind of thing that can lead a person to the mental breaking point. the point of wanting to quit. the point of just wanting to lay in one's sleeping bag until that person runs out of food, and then finally hiking on because that person has no other choice. this is more or less what i had decided to do. ever since this ankle thing started (which i am completely sick of and completely sick of talking about and am not going to mention ever again) i have known in the back of my mind that i have been losing it, mentally.   have felt myself drawing closer and closer to the edge. to that breaking point. the point where you eventually just snap and can no longer take it. mentally, you are broken. when that happens you may as well just hang it up.i reached that point this morning. i felt myself walk right up to the edge, look over, and leap. go tumbling over to the side of the mentally broken. the cold, cold rain was the last straw. i decided that i wasn't going anywhere in this weather. even if that meant staying in my sleeping bag until my food ran out.verb had a hard time convincing himself to get up and start hiking. finally, he did. he decided that he was going to hike into the town of woodstock (he is under the impression that this is the same woodstock where the music festival took place in 1969, but i'm pretty sure that was in upstate new york somewhere) and get a room for the night and reassess his plan. i stuck my hand out of my sleeping bag, shook hands with verb, and told him i might see him somewhere down the trail.i was all alone and it was pouring rain. definitely not going anywhere. let my food run out. i've got enough to stay here for three days if that is what it takes. i'll wait out this rain. i hate this rain. i'm not going anywhere in this rain. these thoughts went through my head for an hour and a half. the rain pounding on the roof was just pounding it deeper and deeper into my head. i'm not moving until the spring thaw. nope. not going to happen.wait. forget that. i think i just might still be close enough to the edge that i can find my way back over to the side of the mentally intact. the side of the sane. i'm not going to let this cold rain get the best of me. i'm a fighter dang it and i'm going to fight. i'm getting the heck out of here, rain or not. and, look at that, the rain is letting up. oh, yes. i'm not out of this game yet. there it is. the edge of sanity. if i try hard enough i'm pretty sure i can make it back over to the other side. yep. there it is.and, i'm back. thank you. no, really, thank you. it is good to be back. i mean it. it is good to be back.i packed up my stuff and as soon as i put my pack on my back it started pouring rain once again. i stepped out from the cover of the shelter and started hiking. i was immediately cold and soaking wet. i didn't care. i'd just fought my way back from the breaking point. i trudged along through the rain- moving at quite a pace. i didn't know what my plan was, but i was hiking and that was the important thing. i still needed to get further down the trail so that i could get to manchester center by friday.as i was hiking along, drenched to the bone, a certain sense of peace started to come over me. a smile spread across my face. i was happy. i was hiking and i was happy and i was at complete peace. so much so, that i felt like i could leave the trail today and not look back and be perfectly happy with my decision. what else is there to go through and experience out here? i have already run the physical and mental gauntlets. i have been through it all. i started to wonder if maybe i was done with the trail. if maybe i have learned everything that i am supposed to learn out here. part of me felt like the answer was yes and part of me felt like i still wasn't completely finished. i continued hiking, completely happy.i passed along and through more old stone walls, which really made my day. i really like those things. oh, the stories they could tell. what would those stories be? what secrets of the past could they tell me? i would be curious to hear of the lives they have lived and the lives they have seen.i got to a road and walked to the "town" of south pomfret. i use that term loosely. there was a general store with a post office inside and nothing else. i bought some chocolate milk and continued walking down the road towards the town of woodstock. someone was nice enough to pick me up and take me the rest of the way into town.woodstock, vermont, is definitely not the same as the woodstock of 1969. the woodstock that i found was a quaint new england town. ritzy. lots of money in woodstock, vt. i walked down the main road -where every shop looks like a house- and heard someone knocking on a window. i looked up to see verb standing in the window of a very nice hotel room. i walked over and talked to him for a while. verb told me that in the morning he his going to hop on a bus and head south. he is going to pick up the trail somewhere south of here where the weather might be a little more hikeable. i told him i didn't blame him. i told him i was going to find a gas station that i could loiter in while i figured out my plan. he said he might come find me after he took a shower.i walked down to a gas station, where i hoped to find some more of those apple pies. there were no apple pies but they did have little debbie snacks- an acceptable substitute. what to do, what to do. i had no idea. i was inside where it was warm and dry, so that was a start. verb came in and visited for a while. then, he left. we shook hands once again. since he was taking the bus south to pick up the trail, i probably wouldn't see him again. i'm going to miss verb. he was fun. back to my plan. i could still hitch to where the trail crossed the road at sherburne pass and hike in there. if i did that, i could still make it to manchester center by friday.i know someone that lives near manchester center. amanda worked at camp with shoeless jon and that is how i came to know her. she told me that when i get to manchester center i should give her a call. i have been looking forward to manchester center for weeks. just seeing someone that i know would work wonders for my morale. so, if i were to hitch to sherburne pass, then that would put me on schedule to be hanging with amanda by friday afternoon. or, i could call her now in hopes of the off chance that she might want to come and pick me up woodstock. and, be out of the rain? that sounds like a great idea. yeah, but you can't ask her to drive all the way here. it's got to be an hour and a half away. i know, but what if she wants to? it can't hurt to try. (isn't inner monologue and inner conflict just great)?amanda sprader is my hero.it is true. she is my hero. she is my new favorite person. she is great. she is wonderful. she said she would like to come and pick me up.i told the people at the gas station that i would be loitering at their store for a little while longer while i waited for my hero to arrive. they said that was fine. i bought some more little debbies (i really love this no tax thing in this state). the minutes seemed to drag by at a crawl as i eagerly awaited amanda's arrival. every time the door opened i looked up in hopes that it was her and every time it wasn't. i stopped looking at the door because i was just tormenting myself by doing so. i finally happened to look up and saw someone coming towards me. hey. i know her. it's my hero. it's amanda!oh, how happy i was to see miss sprader. to see someone that i actually knew. i would be lying if i said that part of me didn't almost tear up. it is true. i am an emotional sap. i think the hardest part about all of this hard stuff i've been experiencing on the trail is that i have been facing it by myself. and, now to finally see someone that i know- that is almost too much. amanda sprader is my hero.we bid the gas station and the quaint town of woodstock a farewell, never even looking in the rearview mirror as we drove away. amanda was kind enough to treat me to a pizza on the way to where she lives. she even bought me a chocolate milk. it was so good to, A) be riding in a car, B) be out of the rain and the cold, 3) have a conversation with someone i know. the time that it took to drive to the town of rupert seemed to pass in an instant. the next thing i knew, we were pulling into the merck forest and farmland center- the place where amanda works and lives.we walked through the farm, past all of the farm animals, through the woods, and to the house where amanda lives with four other people. this house has no electricity. it is lit by propane lanterns. it is heated by a woodstove. it does have running water. hot water at that. it is perfect. this is the kind of house i would like to live in.i took a hot shower. the first shower i have had in eleven days. it felt so good to wash off all of the dirt and grime. i had to wash my hair three times before it was finally clean. i will be sleeping in a real bed tonight. the woodstove is cranking. there is a roof over my head. amanda sprader is my hero.