Date: 2019-05-16
From: Damascus, VA

To: Damascus, VA
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: clear sky

I¢m sorry for the rant I¢m about to go on, but I can¢t take it anymore. Hot Sauce planned a hotel room with her parents and Prometheus, and she¢s been talking about it for days. I¢ve accepted that she¢s not including me and I¢m done fighting this situation, but she keeps bringing it up and blatantly ignoring me when she does. I¢m sorry for my language, but she is being such a bitch. I complained a long time ago that I was done with female friendships. Girls are just awful to each other. I¢m so over it. I went to a women¢s college full of petty, exclusive drama and you¢d think that women at this age would have outgrown those ridiculous and childish behaviors. It really is like middleschool immature drama. Omg Hot Sauce isn¢t inviting Little Debbie to her birthday party, but everyone else is invited. But make sure Little Debbie knows that we don¢t like her in our clique and that she can¢t sit with us. What is this. Come on. And even though it¢s stupid and immature, it still hurts just as much now as it did then to be the person excluded. It¢s such a mean thing to do. And especially since I didn¢t do ANYTHING to her to make her hate me, it just hurts that much more. She¢s been talking about her stupid hotel situation for days and everyone we run into is invited, so it¢s actually not just Prometheus. And she doesn¢t give a crap that she¢s talking about it right in front of me and didn¢t invite me. When Prometheus told me he was leaving the trail, he told her a day later and when I ran into her slackpacking, she was pissed he had told me first. Why on earth does it matter who he told first?! And then when Prometheus had organized where to stay with me for last night, she ran into me again while slackpacking and was pissed I was staying in the same place. She¢s literally bullying me. And if Prometheus didn¢t matter to me, I¢d leave them all. But he does matter, so I¢ve been putting myself through this crap every day just to stay with a friend I¢m close to. And a friend that¢s not even defending me. Prometheus has watched this whole thing go down and said ¢yeah it sucks, but it is what it is¢. He¢s still all buddy-buddy with her, even though he¢s been pissed at her too for pushing him and leaning on him at times. I¢ve just been sitting here supporting him when he doesn¢t like her and taking the brunt of her crap when they¢re buddies again. I know guys don¢t like to get involved in these things and I¢m irritated because I didn¢t want any drama in the first place, but it hurts so much to have her doing this and have him watching as the bystander, not doing anything. I know I¢m young and this is trivial and I should shake it off. I hear you, adults. But it¢s painful for me. Someone literally hates my guts and I did nothing to deserve it. I¢ve been myself this whole time and I¢ve been nothing but warm and bubbly with Hot Sauce since the first day I met her. I¢m trying to enjoy my last few days with my best buddy on the trail and I¢m being bullied and excluded by someone and that in turn is preventing me from seeing him. I just feel so upset and frustrated and angry. This is my journey and I¢m trying not to let her ruin it, but it¢s hard. This whole thing is really hard for me. Today started off well and Prometheus and I got breakfast together. We met up with Hot Sauce and Denver and headed to an Outfitter. They had special Trail Days shirts, so we got matching shirts and wore them out. I originally just wanted my own, but Denver decided to get one too, so Hot Sauce and Prometheus did too. We didn¢t even get a picture in our shirts, but it¢s not really my crew I guess since they¢re all disappearing to a hotel and leaving me to my tent tomorrow. It was fun to shop around though and I was enjoying myself, despite the crap I¢m going through. I¢ve worked so hard on dealing with this kind of crap, but I just feel like I¢m eternally going to be the dumping ground of every friend I have. Will anyone actually put me first and defend me? I can¢t take it anymore. I can only give so much before I am completely done. My college friend who I¢ve talked about did the same thing and pitted people against me, making me feel alone and horrible. And the worst part is that people really do follow the control. So she was able to get them all behind her, and so was Hot Sauce. It felt like Hot Sauce was ¢winning¢ and I was losing. I had no hotel room, no party with my friends, no car to go places, no inclusion. But I guess I am actually in a better place because I¢m happy with myself and don¢t need to do this to others to make myself feel good. But despite feeling great about myself and my life these days, this whole scenario was quite a blow to my confidence. It made me feel like everyone was watching me and knew I was alone and not included. It made me feel insecure and anxious and alone. Even though no one was thinking that, I felt like a bug under a microscope today. I almost just didn¢t want to be at Trail Days anymore so I wouldn¢t have to live with the pain of what she did. We headed back to the hostel and I took a nap. I woke up and walked into town with Prometheus. Earlier we had walked in and gotten free cookies and signed a board with where we¢re from. This time we were on the hunt for dinner tickets. They had given them out at some booth earlier, but we never saw the booth. We didn¢t find it this time either and headed back to the hostel. His friend picked him up for a bit and I walked down to dinner with Hiker Dan and Flowers, hoping to score a ticket there. Luckily we found a woman with extras and she gave those to me and Mama Squirrel, who had just arrived!! We got in line and ate dinner in the firehouse! It was fried chicken and mac and cheese with bread and a delicious crunchy salad. It had ramen noodles in it, and I¢ve made a salad like that before. It was funny because hikers really do eat so many ramen noodles. I couldn¢t finish my dinner... shock. I brought it back to the hostel for Prometheus and he and I walked to the Dollar General. I got some wine for later and we walked to a vigil. It was in a field and for the guy who died. Hot Sauce was using his death as her spotlight and was interviewed, later screaming down the road ¢I was on TV!!¢ *eye roll* Prometheus was actually having a hard time because his brother died suddenly a few years back and they held a vigil in a field like this and it was bringing a lot back for him. I put my hand on his shoulder as we stood there, and yet he went for a hug with Hot Sauce after. I just can¢t anymore. The vigil itself was a wonderful gathering of support and love with the AT community. It was sad to hear about the great man who¢s life was taken, but the prayers and words about him were comforting. He was a Veteran and he was using the trail to heal. I recognized his face, but I don¢t remember really meeting him, maybe just crossing paths at one point. He was taken way too soon and in such a violent and disturbing manner. We all yelled ¢AT Strong¢, as his trail name was ¢Stronghold¢ and we are staying strong together as a community of 2019 hikers. May he forever hike on in heaven. I will keep him in my thoughts and prayers as I walk on. Hot Sauce was again talking about her hotel plans with yet another person. With Prometheus basically ignoring my attempt to be there for him and her bullshit, I just left. I couldn¢t take it anymore. My blood was absolutely boiling. I hate when I¢m that mad, and I knew I needed to calm down. I walked down to Tent City. It¢s kind of wild, which is why I haven¢t camped there. It¢s a big area with drugs, alcohol, and an equal amount of cops. But I did run into my old buds, Wobbles and Thunder Buddy and Tiger Bomb!! It was so exciting!! Green Slouch showed up too! My old squad!! They had separated a bit, but the reunion was amazing. Wobbles was super happy to see me and said I need to hike with them now. I¢m so happy!! I have my old crew and a chance to start over and hike with them for real this time. It made me so happy. We chilled by the fire. People were screaming and a conga line was going through the whole city, along with a ton of cops. We could hear Riff Raff and their drum circle in the distance; a kind of insane cult-like party that I went to another night. Thunder Buddy walked me all the way home, which was so so sweet. He¢s awesome! I¢m so happy to have seen them all. I was still livid about my previous situation, but I was able to calm down a bit with people who actually enjoy my company. What a concept. I walked home to the Broken Fiddle and got into the tent. Prometheus was sound asleep, but woke up to me a bit later. We didn¢t really talk. He knew I was pissed because I had texted him when I headed to tent city, and he validated how I was feeling, but again didn¢t really do anything. Whatever. Tomorrow they¢re all leaving for this hotel shindig. I¢m honestly really depressed about it all, but I hope I can find a way to enjoy Trail Days despite it.Little Debbie