Date: 2013-05-28
From: Greasy Creek Gap

To: Johnson City, TN
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: overcast clouds

It's not going to work. I tried it, and I just can't do it. I'm at a motel in Johnson City. Connie was kind enough to make an extra trip in her ancient pickup truck, to bring me here. Tomorrow I will get on the Greyhound bus and go home. I could call St. Mike, and he would come get me, but I can't ask him to do it again, and I kind of like the idea of the long ride home alone, like I like the idea of the night in the room here alone. I haven't been alone since my mom passed, and I need the solitude.Yes, of course I could get plenty of solitude on the trail, and that's what I told myself I needed. And maybe I didn't give myself enough time on the trail to know that I don't want to walk anymore. Or maybe I just need more time after the traumas of last week before I get back out there. I don't know, I just know that it is right for me to get off the trail now.I love the AT. I have watered the trail with my sweat, lots and lots of it, with my tears, quite a few of those, especially lately, and even with my literal blood, although fortunately not much of that! (just from scratching my multitude of bug bites.)I wish I could go on. I wanted to at least walk 500 miles. I wanted to make it to 400! I wanted to get to Virginia. Physically I feel great, could easily keep hiking. There is a young fellow at the hostel now who mentally and emotionally is dying to hike, but who is sick with a mild version of the norovirus, and has had one minor ailment after another since beginning his hike. I told him that between the two of us, we make one complete, great hiker--my body and his spirit. Who would have thought that it wouldn't be my 54 year old body that takes me off the trail?I would like to finish the trail. Maybe I will. Maybe I will be one of those dedicated section hikers who hike a section every year, until they finish the whole thing. Maybe I will even get back out there this year, after taking a sabbatical at home, but I doubt it. Why am I getting off? What does my mom passing have to do with the trail? I don't know or understand all the connections, but it started last Saturday with the accident at Trail Days. It continued through the storm at Beauty Spot Gap. And concluded with my mother's death. I have no heart left for the trail. I have a lump in my throat that feels permanent, like the stinging behind my eyes. The trail I walked yesterday was seemingly devoid of the beauty I have previously seen every single day. Every step was painful. The 4 miles only took me a couple of hours, but it seemed interminable. I prayed for peace with my decision, to get off or to continue, and I surprisingly do have peace. I have enjoyed reading all your comments in my guest book so much. It has meant a lot to me to have you all pulling for me, and I hope I am not disappointing you. But this is real life, and unexpected things happen. One thing I would love, and it is a favor I would like to ask of you. So many of you have said that I have inspired you to get out and do something, walk the AT or some other dream of yours, that you thought you were too old, or out of shape, or too something, for. PLEASE follow up on that! Do It! This has been a grand adventure for me, and I am so glad that I did it. I want you to do it too! So please buy that kayak, or sign up for that class, or try yoga, or come on out and hit the trail. And when you do, will you please write to me and tell me about it? I really want to know, and I really hope that the good effects of my hike aren't only for me. I would love it if one of you did something wonderful, and if I played even a small part of your decision. You can do it, you know. I just hiked over 360 miles, and I am a very ordinary, overweight (although not anymore!) out of shape, middle-aged woman. If I can do it, you can too. I may write again, after I get home, to bring this to some kind of conclusion, and if you have any questions for me, I will answer them, and I would also love to hear your comments. And if you have any advice for me, that's welcome too! I don't really understand what's going on with me, but I'm hopeful that a few days at home will bring me back around to myself.