Date: 2003-05-02
From: Duckett Inn

To: Campsite
Miles today: 7.9
Weather: scattered clouds

I almost went home today. Not because I was having a tough tine on the trail or decided I didn't want to be here anymore, but because I thought my camera had been left in Male Drop's rental car that we returned yesterday. Icalled them several times, but they said they had not found it. I admit, I panicked. I had gone through MD's car several times last night and did so again this morning. I went through my pack , bags and boxes that were scattered all over the room, and didn't find them. I was really panicky then,and probably driving MD nuts and didn't realize it.Male Drop tried to keep me calm and said that we would find it, but afterlooking for it, I think he began to believe it was gone.I started to pack up to leave the Duckett House Inn and basically gave it up for lost. I wouldn't see it again, let alone all my pictures I had takenfrom Springer to Hot Springs. I was devistated that I had lost it.We left to give Bumpkin a ride to the trail and I informed her that I wasgoing home if I couldn't figure out what happened to it. She gave me a hug andsaid "Why do I seem to lose my hiking partners?" I felt very bad to be doing this to her, as I have really gotten to like having her around. If I say ordo something stupid, I know I can count on her to mention something like the90/10 rule or raising my "shit sheild". She has become a great friend.When I went through my stuff one more time just to be sure, I picked up abag that was much too heavy for was had been in it. I went through it one lasttime. My camera was at the bottom! Both MD and I swear it wasn't there before. Now I feel very stupid for putting up a fuss and saying I was going toleave the trail. Hopefully that will teach me not to panic when things likethis happen.We stayed in town a little bit longer then we planned, but we're stilldetermined to get back out on the trail. MD had decided to hike in with meand will be hiking back to his car tomorrow.I was trying to put the last minute items in my pack when I realized I hadforgotten a few things. Panic time again! I guess I didn't learn the lessonI had gotten earlier that day. I snapped at MD without realizing it.When we got to the trail, MD took off really fast which surprised me andhurt me at the same time as he had not said anything to me about going faster.I didn't find out until later why that happened.I hiked for an hour alone and confused and still stressing about the wholeordeal this morning. Before I knew it, thunder clouds had rolled in. I started to panic again. I was going to be hiking alone through a thunder andlightning storm! As I started to cry from the built up stress and the start ofanother panic mode coming on, I realized that Male Drop was hiking back down the hill towards me.He told me that he seen the storm coming and didn't want me hiking aloneduring the storm, despite me having hurt his feelings earlier. He told meabout what had happened back at the car and that he had needed to hike fast toget rid of the anger I had caused. He also told me that I needed to stop doingthat, otherwise I would end up pushing people away. I don't want to do that,and I didn't even know I had been doing that. I felt really bad.About this time, the rain started. We headed back down the trail to a roadthat we could see a cabin at the end of. We went to seek shelter from the storm if the owner would let us.We were soon sitting inside with an orange soda in hand. What hospitality!We realized later that we hadn't given our names and she hadn't given herseither.After about an hour, the storm let up enough where MD thought it was safeto leave. I admit, I didn't want to go out in the rain, but we left. We weresoon camped for the night near a spring, 8 miles past Allen Gap. I had hopedto get closer to the next shelter to catch Bumpkin in the morning, but we hadstarted late.Male Drop and I talked about what had happened that day and let me knowvery gently that I needed to learn to control and get over my panic attacks.I agree, as it creates a lot of stress in my life and I also don't want to push people away, especially him.