Date: 2008-03-25
From: Beyond Nine to Five

To: View Entry
Miles today: 17.0

   If you had asked me 26 months ago what I imagined my life to be like today, I can honestly say that I could not have predicted the immense personal growth and inner healing that has taken place. A little over two years ago I had a broken spirit and a pride that had been flattened into the earth by my experiences in gymnastics. If you don't know the story, suffice it to say that in each group of girls there must be a whipping boy to pick on and humiliate; I was that person.    After four years of hell in gymnastics, I decided that having someone honor me at senior night was just too much for my pride to handle. I could just see myself breaking down and crying, not because I would miss the team, the girls or the experiences, but because the humility would be just too much. The girls hated me, I acknowledged that; the last thing I needed was to have them act as if they appreciated me in front of an audience when after four years, they had trompled upon me like I was a piece of gum on the bottom of their shoe. The farce would be too much and I refused to participate.   This story isn't so my readers will sympathize with me, I am beyond the stage where I need pity to justify my hurt feelings, I include this anecdote so that you will understand where I was in life then, and how work and the people who surrounded me ultimately empowered me to find myself.       Being left out and kicked around transformed a happy-go-lucky, intensely optimistic young woman into a brooding, silent and cynical person. My family thought I was depressed because I never laughed and was always on the verge of tears, I probably was to an extent but what I was feeling was less depression and self-pity and more like a rotting sensation. The hope I had always harbored of fitting in had been doused and it broke my heart to realize that I would never be good enough, talented enough, smart enough or pretty enough to fit in. After four years of having my peers tell me that I would always be sub-par, the girls finally broke my optimism and they finally broke me. There had to be a change and having someone 'honor' me at Senior Night was too much to bear. The change had to come before I got hurt anymore. Who knew a job could change my life so profoundly?   I took the job at the library because it was lucrative. Looking back I can see I was yearning for acceptance and change but at the time I couldn't see beyond the money and the fact that I had quit something I loved because I wasn't strong enough to handle the pressures it presented. As I saw it, not fitting in was my fault and my weakness was inexcusable. My job was to shelve books for hours and hours in silence, if you know me you know I am not an especially silent person. Surprisingly, the quiet didn't bother me and the task was repetitive. I looked forward to my shifts because it was peaceful, it gave me a chance to process my bitter feelings and concentrate on myself rather than how other people perceived me and how I could best fit in. Two weeks after gymnastics I began work, two weeks and one day later I cut my hair in a split second decision. I was unwittingly trying to differentiate myself from who I was in gymnastics and I was working to rebuild myself from the cess pool I had become. Cutting my hair was a physical sign that I was trying to move on and it was the first step I took to rebuild my foundation. Loosing my waist length, blond locks was the physical transformation, the relationships I began to cultivate with my co-workers was the beginning of a deeper change.    When I quit my job a week ago I can say in all honesty that it was the hardest decision I have ever made. I vacillated staying here and going home so many times over a month I could have walked this trail ten times in mental miles. The library represented a safe haven where I could grow without being judged. I found inner peace, strength and stability through the people who loved me there and that in itself was important. Calling my boss to give him my notice was hard for me, I put it off for as long as possible and while there weren't tears in my voice there were some rolling down my cheeks. Writing down and capturing the essence of how much my job helped me is impossible, I'll just say that it saved my life and leave it at that.    The decision to stay was hard for me to make but the thing that made my mind up was when I asked myself, "Are you satisfied at home?" I wasn't and I know that if I go home today I won't be.   This job changed my life, the people I worked with saved it and this trail will enhance it. I will stay out here till I am not satisfied any more and when I am not, I will come home. It's as simple and as complicated as that.    If you had asked me 26 months ago where I thought my life would lead, it sure wouldn't have been here and it definitely would not include a young woman who has had the physical and emotional transformation I have had.