Date: 2008-04-03
To: View Entry
Miles today: 40.0

   It's funny how just when you decide, "Hey, I think I am ready to increase my daily mileage," and you make a plan to do so events take that choice out of your hands. My hiking partner and I had planned to increase our days so that in every seven day period we would complete at least 100 miles. The plan wasn't so extravagent that it was unachieveable, but once we planned miles and tried to implement the idea, so many things went wrong.   About one month ago, in journal time since the journal dates and real life don't match up, I began an entry talking about all of the injuries I am trying to deal with. At the time I had an ill-fitting pack, knees that hurt and a bad ankle but it was alright with me because I figured once they healed I would be all set to hike and that they were simply road bumps in my path to success. "Obstacles aren't there to stop those who do want it, they're there to stop the ones who don't." I took this idea and applied it to myself, rationalizing that what didn't kill me would make me stronger and that these mild injuries were only as important as road kill on my road to success. They were forcing me to chose: Quit or Keep Going. Obviously, for the time being, I have chosen to keep going and this is where this journal will find its heart.   My parents are coming to visit me this week and honestly, I can't say I have ever been more excited to see them. In the past two months, so much has gone wrong out here for me. Beween a staff infection on my ass, a hurt ankle, panic attacks, bad knees and having an awful cold, it would be easy, once my parents got out here, to decide that I had had enough of the trail and go home with them. Looking back on all the issues I have dealt with thus far I can't see anyone holding it against me, and considering how many people have left already I could definitely leave feeling as if I had accomplished something great. My goal has never been to make it to Katadyn and there are so many people out here who look at me in imcomprehension when I reveal this to them. My goal of one month has been accomplished and what I am doing now is done by choice rather than an obligation. This is all fine and dandy, but what is keeping me from saying, "Well, goal one accomplished. Katadyn, you're going down?"    I still feel a sense of accomplishment when I think about how I reached my original goal, but when I think of setting another one I feel that same sense of fear and insecurity that I did before I left home. Katadyn would be the next logical step but I find it hard to commit myself to such a promise. In a past journal I said that strength can only be tested when you are out of your realm of comfort, until then you will never know your true potential. I still think that this was wise, but if coming out here and staying was a sign of strength then why am I so weak and indecisive that I can't commit myself to much more than what I feel comfortable with? If true grit is finding comfort through stretching your comfort zone, then I am finding that being strong is a very uncomfortable trait to cultivate.    Coming out here and staying, despite the odds, almost shattered my realm of comfort and so I can say that achieving my goal was a courageous act because I doubted my own ability to last. Now that I am comfortable with my surroundings and my place in life out here it would seem that another goal, which stretches my newly expanded boundaries would be in order. Katadyn is the only big thing left for me to gamble on and I find that I can't. I am too scared of failure to reach that far but at the same time I know that if I wait too long to commit to the big "K" I will still question whether I got there by accident or because I stretched myself to be there. By recognizing my strength as far as coming out here is concerned I must also freely acknowledge the cowardice behind my reluctance to commit to a new goal and hold myself accountable for it. So many negative things in my life are undergoing construction out here and of all the accomplishments thus far I have been most surprised by my own ability to overcome obstacles. I don't want to see myself as weak but being strong is a very hard thing to do and honestly, until I can come up with the balls to set and achieve a goal that scares me a little bit (even if it isn't Katadyn), I won't be able to see my non-decision as anything but the easy way out.   If this trail has taught me anything, it has taught me that strength of character cannot be found in an idle lifestyle and that I cannot see positive transformation without making a conscience effort to change. This problem is turning into an insecurity and I need to rectify this issue as soon as possible, before it finds root in my heart and before it becomes an insurmountable wall that I will have for the rest of my life. I see my journey thus far as a staircase with my potential shining at the top, each step I take is one that brings me closer to finding self-satisfaction and confidence in myself; but this issue with non-commital tendencies and self-doubt as far as achieving goals goes is turning my cement staircacse into a slick slide. As long as I refuse to commit to a goal, every step forward will be riddled with self-doubt and lack purpose, hurtling me two steps back. I know how to change this, we all know what I need to do to change this, the only thing that stands in the way of my success and progression is myself, the question that remains to be seen is whether or not I can find the strength of character to decide my own fate.