Date: 2004-01-21
To: five weekends till the BIG weekend....
Miles today: 0.0

I am very nervous. It's sometimes a little hard to breathe when I think that there are only five weekends left until I head down to NC to visit my sister and friends, then to Georgia to head out on the adventure of a lifetime. I am eager, excited, anxious, nervous, and all the other things I'm sure I'm supposed to be feeling right now. It's hard to describe. I don't feel like something bad is going to happen. It's a good stress, not a bad stress, but it's there, nonetheless. I just have all these questions running through my mind that make me stop and sit and think and then think some more. I could lose myself in all the thinking I'm trying not to do. Who am I?Who will I be when I finish this hike?Will home still be home?Will the people I care about forget me?Will I change and my friends change and then us not be changed in the same way?I guess these are typical questions that everyone wonders about. I'm expecting some great things to happen on this hike. The best way I can describe it is like this:I love the Dave Matthews Band. They are, by far, my favorite band in the entire world. I listen to them all the time, I sing along, I know all the words. Logically, I should go see them in concert. I hear they're amazing performers. So a few years ago I buy two tickets and my friend Will and I head off to Charlotte for the day. It's 95 degrees, we're hot and tired by the time we get there, but we're pumped about seeing DMB perform. After a horrible opening band, I can't even remember who they were, Dave Matthews Band comes out. My heart is pounding. I'm nervous, but in a good way. I even almost start crying because I'm here. I'm hearing DMB. I'm living this dream that I've had for awhile.Herein lies the problem.I had built DMB up to this idolized version of themselves. And even though I'm sure the concert was amazing, just like all their other concerts, to me it wasn't what I thought i was going to be. I was let down. I was disappointed.I have been to only one other concert since then and I will probably not go to many more. I build things up in my mind and I'm wondering if the Trail is going to deliver, or if it is just that: a trail. Is it going to be this amazing life-changing experience, or is it just going to be a hike?I don't know and it makes me scared.My other problem is, of course, money. I had planned to work my butt of during January and February working fifty or so hours a week at the book printing plant. They pay well and give lots of overtime, so I thought, sure I'll bust my butt and save up money to pay my bills while I'm on the trail.However, apparently no one prints books during the winter and so I keep getting these calls. "Joy, we don't need you this week. We might not need you next week." So instead of making money, I am sitting at home rotting my brain on ER reruns, the OC, and yet more stupid reality television getting depressed and stressing over money.Bottom line: I do not have enough money to hike the trail and pay my bills. I will not have enough money to hike the trail and pay my bills.It'll work out. Somehow things like this always do. It's just the getting there that really works on my mind and my body.