Date: 2015-09-28
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0

Red Panda climbed a (small) mountain today. I spent some time sitting on the trail, communing with the wilderness (kind of... mostly I was just tired and dripping sweat and needed a rest). It felt good. Except for my tummy. My tummy did not feel good. I started to run a little too soon after my snacklunch.I have a snack problem. Moderation does not seem to be part of my diet vocabulary again yet.However, I have been eating mostly healthier snacks. Mostly... I do love crackers. And pretzels. And graham crackers. I love them just a little too much.And Friday I had french fries. And PIZZA (how could I say no to pizza?!). And ice cream. It was bad. My stomach expressed severe distaste for this gastronomic mistake that night. BUT IT WAS SO GOOD.I am trying to get back on track. I keep saying that, don't I? It's not working as well as it should. It's actually not going well at all. I need help, haha.I eat better when I am busy. When I have all day to sit in front of the computer and try to look for jobs, however, the relentless snacking resumes. I JUST WANT TO GO ON A CAMPING TRIP. But I must work! I must teach! I must lead children through the forest, and keep them from getting stabbed by cute, waddling porcupines on the ball field.My body, despite the continued addition of chub, feels so much better. I have noticed lately that I am nowhere near as stiff. The other day, I DID A SIT-UP. This was SUPER exciting! I know, pathetic. However, my tailbone had been so sore for so long that I was starting to give up hope that my body would work correctly ever again.My feet still are not the same. My thick skin still really gross with callouses, and my toes have that weird square shape. They aren't as painful, though! Hooray!I also feel more awake. I feel like I was in an exhausted daze for the first couple of weeks after Katahdin. I don't even remember what I did for most of that time... except laze about the house and sleep a lot. I still sleep a lot. I never have trouble falling asleep, even though I have been averaging 8-9 hours a night. My body is still tired. However, I function very well. Unless you wake me up early, then I function grumpily.So physically, I feel so much better than I did at the end of my hike. It seems like I have healed a lot. It's strange to realize that it has already been a month. It's also depressing. WHERE IS MY LIFE GOING?At least I can run more than a quarter mile without crying now. I have been attempting to do my 3-mile loop run, or my 12-mile bike loop as often as I can. I can feel my muscles slowly disappearing. I don't think I will ever be in as good of shape as I was at the end of my hike... but I refuse to become a couch potato.Life is different now. Okay, it's not so different, but it certainly feels different. I am here in the same place I have been before, working with some of the same people. I run the same route in the morning, and teach the same programs to the students here. But it's not the same, and not just because some of the people have changed.Red Panda has changed!Some things about me are still the same. I like learning about other people and talking to people. However, I have very low limits. Just like always. And if I have a task to do, and get distracted before I am finished, I get guiltily frustrated.But I don't think I get as stressed, or as overwhelmed. I know things will work out. I know that somehow, everything that needs to get done will get done. I used to get more anxious before heading into programs with the students, but I am more comfortable with them now, even with programs I'm not as familiar with.I don't know if this is a benefit of the trail or if it's just a sign of my age. I am getting OLDER EVERY SECOND. The other day, after mistaking me for a student (because I am so freaking short), Kate called to me in apology, "I know you're thirty!"Jeez. I am almost thirty. Aviary will turn thirty this year. HOW IS THIS HAPPENING?I NEED TO HAVE MORE ADVENTURES BEFORE I SHRIVEL UP IN A WHEELCHAIR.Luckily it's an amazing place out here, and I can have mini-adventures on a regular basis. I went out to see the eclipse (or at least the part of it I could stay awake for) over the ocean last night. And today, I climbed a mountain. It wasn't like hiking the trail. But it was still wonderful.Clearly I have no better idea of what I want to do with my life than I did three years ago. You would think that I might have made a little more progress. NOPE. It seems like I always want to throw some more options out the window, but process of elimination will only get me so far. I browse job listings and think to myself, "AM I ACTUALLY QUALIFIED TO DO ANYTHING OTHER THAN BE AN INTERN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?!".I think that there are more important things in life than work. However, I don't just want a job. I really would like a career. I don't want to be a migrant hobo vagabond forever. I really would like a home of my own. Maybe I'll regret saying that, and end up taking off and living out of a camper after 5 years of steady employment, but I don't think so. I think I know myself that well, at least.I did look into the working holiday program... I could go to Australia, work a little, and then hike the Bibbulmun Track. It's tempting, I'm not going to lie. It's an option!I feel like there are so many things missing from this journal. So many things I should add. But it's so hard to put myself back in my AT frame of mind. It makes me sad. It feels so distant and intangible now.I heard from Chris the other day. He is heading through CT on his way to Seattle, but unfortunately I'm not there anymore, so I won't be able to meet him. Disappointing. Everyone is all over the place now. Instead of being a day ahead, or two days behind, they are states away, or even countries away. I miss those friends.I also heard from Hands, who is still on the trail, travelling south. Understandably, he is starting to tire of the trail. I made good time on the trail, and by the end I was exhausted and just so ready to be finished. Hands has been hiking for a month longer than me... that's so long! I don't think my body would have been able to take it. My mind might not have been able to, either.One person I have NOT heard from is Columbo, and I am thankful for that. There were times I was so worried he would catch up to me, and then I would be stuck in a pit of drama. When he decided to thru-hike, I had this wicked irrational fear that his whole reason for doing so was to catch me. I wanted it to be MY hike. It also REALLY freaked me out that he would take off, leaving his young son and his business behind, on such short notice. I did not find that to be an admirable characteristic, and it bothered me. I avoided him and tried not to let him know where I was. He last updated his trail journal from Rangeley, so I don't even know if he got to Katahdin.I miss journaling. Life is busy now, and sitting down at the computer at the end of the night isn't the same as laying in my tent or a shelter, listening to the evening sounds of the forest. Real life feels like a constant distraction. A distraction from what, I am not really su