Date: 2003-09-27
From: Stream

To: Another Stream!
Miles today: 3.7

Well, I tried to hold on to those good thoughts, but it did not work. After a night full of anxiety dreams I woke to the sound of rain and couldn't have possibly felt lower. As I packed up, I choked back tears til I finally couldn't hold them in any longer. "Bumpkin", I said, "I feel like a complete failure". With that, the flood gates opened. We spent the next couple of hours hiking, me crying, her talking.Throughout the day I figured out a lot of things, but it was a really hard process. Why does it always seem that learning important lessons has to be so painful?Of course, the center of conversation was my weight. I knew when I came out here that being overweight put me at a disadvantage...I just didn't realize just how big that disadvantage was. In the real world, I can operate on pretty much the same level as everyone else, and for much of this trip, I felt like I was doing that out here as well. However, the last couple of months have shown me otherwise. Today was truly the first day I realized what problem my weight is. Really.Now, that was enough to rock my world, but on top of that I had to deal with another revelation. When I started this thru-hike, I knew that my weight would make it more challenging for me, but I felt like I had strong enough will and a strong enough spirit to make up for that.Boy, the joke was on me. Throughout the day, I became painfully aware that my body just wasn't capable of doing what I needed to do, and that my will and spirit couldn't change that. Ouch. I always thought if I just tried hard enough, I could do anything in this world. Well, will and desire can only get you so far. And here I am, 19 miles into the 100 Mile Wilderness...what a place to come to this realization!Bumpkin talked me through a lot of this, and by the time she was done with me, I had some clarity. Now I just feel bruised and self-conscious. Luckily for us both, the hike today got so difficult that it became impossible to dwell on my problems anymore.Most of the day we either went up or down big, wet, slick piles of boulders. It was miserable. It was exactly like the White Mountains, but worse, because everything was so wet and slimy! We climbed big giant boulders, and I went down more rock faces on my behind than you can imagine. We were literally in the clouds, so all of our gear is wet and very heavy, making the rocks extra treacherous. I kept chastising myself. "Anna..get out of your head!! Look around you..this is gorgeous!" And I was right about that! Ankle-deep moss covered everything on the forest floor for as far as you could see, which made it look like a rich, green rolling carpet. Stunted pines and spruce scented the air and the wisps of clouds floating through the trees gave everything a hazy, magical quality. Shiny black roots and satiny grey rocks interspersed with deep, black mud bogs to make up our path. There are no birds to speak of, but the frenetic chatter of small red squirrels echoed through the forest whenever they thought we were getting to close. It really is beautiful out here. Rugged and fertile, it is exactly what I thought Maine would be like. Except harder.When we finally stopped for lunch, we realized that we had been hiking for over 5 hours and had only traveled 2.5 miles. Failure or not, I cannot phsically complete the Wilderness. Not with the food I am carrying and not with the time I have left. After going back and forth for a while, we decided that I will get off at the next bail out point, and that Bumpkin will go on ahead and finish the Wilderness. I am still 7.5 miles from the nearest road, and then it is probably 12 miles down to civilization. At the rate I am going, I will be there by Christmas! I will say, though, that I feel much better as I lay here writing this. You know that old saying "that which does not kill us makes us stronger"? Well, I will not let my head mess up the rest of my hike. I learned a lot of really important things about myself today....And I am getting stronger! Love, Anna aka Mud Buttwww.trailjournals.com