Date: 2003-12-19
To: Gear Shakedown, Part Deux
Miles today: 0.0

I¢ve added some items to my hiking gear, replaced others with lighter items or, in the case of my mattress, replaced with a heavier one (Ridgerest to a Guidelite 3/4).   I decided to do an overnight in Sages Ravine with my new tent, Dancing Light Gear¢s Arapaho, and a couple of other items I bought for winter hiking. I¢ve done winter trips before, so going solo to Sages would be low risk (yes, Mom I brought my cell phone). I got a lazy late start in the morning and was not concerned since I had multiple ways to get to Sages Ravine. At 2PM, I rolled into the parking area for an unmarked side-trail. A group of AMC hikers were doffing their snowshoes and getting ready to leave. How nice, I though, that these people stomped down all the snow for me. I had my new OR gaiters on anyway ¢ ready to tackle some drifts. I¢ve never used these gaiters before. They are shorter, thinner, and lighter than my other pair (y¢know, the Crocodile type that you can throw hand grenades at and nothing will happen to them).   The temperature was below freezing and I was a little cold to start out. I was just wearing a t-shirt underneath my Marmot shell and had been sitting still, driving for almost 2 hours to get to the trail. That chill lasted for, oh, 10 minutes and the hat came off, the jacket unzipped, and the wind pants vented to keep myself from sweating. I took the short way in and got to Sages in about 30 minutes. If I got an earlier start I might have come in via Race Brook Falls trail.I cautiously walked across the two log bridges to get to the Sages Ravine camping area. This area is beautiful in summer and equally as inviting with a blanket of snow over it. As I walked up to camping area #1, I could see lots of rabbit and deer tracks.   I kept my eyes peeled for a chance encounter. At the tent pad, I measured out the area I needed, and found the Arapaho would just fit. I wish I had some snowshoes to help stomp down and level the site, but dancing around in my boots was kinda fun. The tent takes a minimum of 6 pegs to set it up properly. The ground was soft except for one of the corners¢¦ solid ice and the heel of my boot wasn¢t breaking it. I looked around and found a heavy fallen tree limb that had a branch with a ¢hook¢ on it. I looped the corner of the tent over the hook and used it to stabilize that end. The next gear to come out was the Guidelite, followed by my sleeping bag. I stopped to take a breather. It was 3:30. I looked around at the beautiful white landscape and the yellow sun shining above Bear Mountain. It was very silent and my mind was quiet. Something was wrong. I felt a sensation as if I had a hole in my belly¢¦. an emptiness. "What¢s this?" It felt like loneliness. I solo backpack a lot and loneliness is never an issue. I love the adventure and going it alone. It¢s got a lot of fire. What¢s different? Maybe there¢s less adventure to fill the space now (hence, that empty feeling in the gut)?   Backpacking is not new; winter camping is not new¢¦ Was the loneliness always there, in the background, waiting to get its time in the spotlight? (this is me thinking) At this point the feeling has intensified considerably since I¢ve given it some space and attention. I feel like I shouldn¢t be here. I realize the ¢work¢ and busyness of this short little trip helped to keep my mind busy and the feeling at bay. My little breather just showed me that. I quickly reflect on how I do this in my everyday life -- continual busyness, to keep away feeling like this. It¢s so clear right now how I do this.For those of you who¢ve never been to a counselor or a therapist, what I¢m doing right now is called ¢process¢. The inner fight I¢m having is to process this here, which will be a very long night, or pack up and process in a familiar place and access to a telephone/friends. (yeah, I have my cell phone, but you can¢t get anything from Sages. I knew this ahead of time... don¢t ask me why I brought it.)So, sun¢s going down and the decision has to be made now¢¦ It took me ten minutes to decide to pack up and go home to work this out. I accomplished all the things I wanted to except sleep outside¢¦ and I can do that in my backyard. Fifteen minutes later I got everything back in the pack. I¢ve got about 30 minutes of usable light ahead of me. I head south on the AT toward the unmarked trail and back to my truck. When I arrived at the trailhead, it was that funky blue twilight color right before it goes dark. I sat in my truck with the window open and listened -- total silence except for a stream in the distance. I focused on the feeling in my belly and the choices I have made to (1) not feel any of this and (2) to be alone when that¢s not really what I want. These choices were probably made unconsciously, but they still are what I¢ve created in my life. Now is the time to receive/own them and make different choices. I learned something new about myself. I want to be around people. Really? I usually shy away from people and keep to myself. I¢m even surprised I¢m writing this on the internet. The AT will definitely be a change for me, as it is hard to not be around people or to fill my mind up with countless distractions.