Date: 2009-08-10
To: View Entry
Miles today: 32.0

Dear readers,The AT continues to open a new can of whoop ass on me daily. It's going on two weeks of waking up, getting abused, going to bed, and doing it all over again the next day. Is that bad that as soon as I wake up, I look forward to the moment that I can crawl into my sleeping bag again in the evening? Any confidence, cockiness gained in having backpacked 1800 miles has completely dissipated. I'm frequently nervous and anxious about upcoming terrain, my legs are battered, bruised, cut up, and always exceptionally dirty. My upper body aches from all of the bouldering from the past few days. Vitamin I (ibuprofent)has been a multiple-times-a-day supplement. My confidence has felt shattered, I've felt in over my head, questioning what I am capable of, and intimidated by my elevation profile.I don't feel like a thru-hiker. I don't feel like I've hiked over 1900 miles. I've felt out of my comfort zone but unable to turn back. At times, I mentally feel as though I'm hanging by a thread, that thread being "ignorance is bliss." I can do it once, but I wouldn't do it again if you paid me. What dayhikers say about future climbs was daunting me. Why the hell am I letting what a freakin' weekend warrior says scare me!? It causes a whole lot of anxiety often for something that is no different than what I've been dealing with since entering the Whites. And for those local people who hear how challenged I've felt since New Hampshire, then like to go on and tell me the tough stuff that lies ahead... well... they can suck it. Thanks for knockin' me when I'm already down. Especially when their definition of "tough" is not the same as mine. Why I let myself think it is beforehand, I don't know.Despite all of this, the important thing is I am still here, alive and healthy. AND, the weather has been beautiful, thank goodness. Who knows where I'd be if that weren't the case. I'm making my way north, slowly but surely. Each day I get knocked down, but I get up again for another round of whoop ass the following day. Gangsta and I are truly taking life one day at a time. Sometimes one mile, one boulder, or one step at a time. I know we are a mere few days away from the tough stuff ending, then we can kick into high gear and rock this rest out with easy (hopefully). We completed Mahoosouc Notch yesterday, and Mahoosuc Arm (nobody EVER talks about that climb!?). It was painstakingly slow going. Gangsta had to use my upper back as a step stool at one point - that took our friendship to a new level. A helping hand was often needed as an extra hand hold or to help hoist packs, or take trekking poles. I don't think I could have done the Notch alone. I often think that about much of the terrain we've encountered lately. I'm glad we've got each other.In all honesty, I can say the past two weeks have been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Not just physically, the abuse day after day, but that ties into the mental and emotional challenges that come with being so burnt out after 1800 miles and 150 days on the trail already. I'm tired of narrow rock ledges that kick my phobia of heights into high gear. I'm tired of ladders. I'm tired of swearing all the time. I'm tired of not enjoying each day to the fullest because I've got so much anxiety. I don't really feel like myself.On a brighter note, here we are, in Maine. We've made it this far, we can make it another 281 miles. We've got the Saddlebacks and Bigelows ahead of us, then it should be smooth sailing. I am looking forward to kickin' it into fifth gear and upping the mileage once again. We're still planning on a summit date of August 26 which means a lot of 20 mile days for us, but we are excited for the flat terrain ahead. We took pictures at our last state border crossing. It feels like just yesterday Gangsta and I were kissing the GA/NC state line sign. What a journey it's been. I'm feeling a very strong duality of emotions in wanting this to be over, but not wanting to say goodbye to the friends and community.The end is near. We're in the homestretch. This next week will have us crossing our 2,000 mile mark and our first view of the Big K is not too far away. We're ready to rock it out. Happy Trails,Wags