Date: 2015-07-25
From: Hanover, NH

To: Matt and Jeralyn's
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: broken clouds

I neglected my hike today, but nurtured my heart.But let's begin with a story.Once upon a time, in a land far, far away (from the trail), a Red Panda lazed about in the warm afternoon sunshine, dreaming of salad and cookies and chocolate-covered pretzels. She sat on a couch and listened to baby birds chirping outside the window. She washed her hands and face in a sink with soap. She cooked dinner in an oven (that's right! Not an alcohol stove, but a real oven, with a door and everything!) and ate off of a plate.That time was today.After the last day and a half, I have decided that I might want to live in Vermont someday.Matt and Jeralyn seem to be living my dream. A cute little home on a dirt road in the middle of the woods, quiet companionship with a partner and... happiness!The more time I spend in the woods, the more I want to just live in a small home, with a few possessions, and the freedom to pursue whatever crazy dreams come over me. I want to be able to just lay out in the grass whenever I want and stare up at the blue sky without that city garbage smell drifting over me. When I lived in Korea, I got that smell through my window depressingly often, even though I lived on the ninth floor.I love the convenience of the city, the ability to travel with ease and the exposure to culture and events, but... I think I would be happier in the woods. I AM happier in the woods!I think maybe I was too spoiled growing up in Goshen (thanks, parents). How lucky was I to have a back yard and trees and a bicycle? And books to fuel my imagination! And, best of all, a librarian mom to bring home an endless supply of adventures, which taught me to chase my own.This morning was like a dream. I slept late, catching up a little on all the rest I have been missing. I rolled out (of a REAL bed with a REAL mattress) from under my sleeping bag and into the kitchen, greeted by... the smell of cooking bacon (seriously, like a dream!)I enjoyed a wonderful breakfast in the company of my friends.I didn't want to leave. It used to be that when I took a zero, I would be itching to get back on the trail. These days, I just want to crawl back into bed. Despite the fact that we have been friends since we were children, I almost never get to see Jeralyn. At this point in my life, I have a little bit of time to spare. And I want to spend some time with my friends while I am able. I don't know how soon after Katahdin real life will claim me again. When will I get the chance to come back to Vermont to see them? WHO KNOWS?! So I decided to stay for another night. I am letting my feet rest. Letting my body catch up on sleep and fill with more than enough calories.Alas, the trail DOES call me. I'm not quitting now! There is so much to look forward to still! I'm just taking a healthy break, packing on some extra flab to keep my bulky buns warm in the Whites. Those are some BIG mountains I get to climb. I'm going to head into them well-rested so I can make the most of them. Plus, I will even be closer to running into Coco and Magnus and Chris now. Unfortunately, the Aussie Legs, Doc, Forward, and many others will be getting farther and farther north... but you can't win them all, right?I spent the morning and part of the afternoon with Matt and Jeralyn before they left for work. Then, with Liza to keep me company, I tried to vacuum their house so that I was at least a slightly helpful house guest. I also ate half of the snacks out of their cupboard (sorry, guys) and roasted a butternut squash that I bought at a co-op market nearby. It was a good day.Their home is in a beautiful place. The view is better than that of many shelters. The breeze through the windows is fresh and wonderful. I sat out on the porch last night and read my book until my butt fell asleep. It was great.It makes me feel strange. After so much time on the trail, I have become used to simplicity and being outside. And I LOVE sleeping outside, in the dark and soothing wilderness. Yet the comforts of indoor life call to me as well. Every day, more and more, I just want to sit on a comfortable couch instead of a log. I want to cook a real dinner instead of rehydrating gross carbs. I want to go home.But I am afraid of losing touch with this journey, of letting the lessons that it has taught me slip away as I settle back into real life, which will happen so soon. I am afraid I will return and slip back into my Danielle skin and revel in the comforts of "real life" and too quickly forget how wonderful THIS life is. It is the most amazing '"life" I have lived so far. I'm not sure if that makes sense. It is difficult to articulate this.I don't think I will let it happen. But finding myself has been harder than I ever anticipated. I know that even in the time left it will take me to reach Katahdin, I won't find many of the answers I have been searching for. That's okay... the lack of answers is a type of answer itself. And honestly, many answers probably don't even exist.However, just because I don't know what I want to do with my life, or where I want to end up, or what I really want from life (besides happiness,) progress has been made. Inspirations have struck. Lessons have been learned. Unlikely and eye-opening friendships have been forged. Faith in humankind has been rekindled.Even though I long for a home of my own, I know that soon after I leave it, I will probably long for the trail with a fierceness stronger than the pre-hike obsession that fueled me through the winter. Or maybe not. Maybe I will be content to reminisce. I have no idea! It will be interesting to see what happens.I am tired and long for comfort but I also don't want the hike to end.All is well in Pandaland tonight. The coyotes are howling and my heart is feeling better. Tomorrow I will return to the trail. Next weekend will be spent with mom and Dan, and then it will be a straight shot to Katahdin (as long as I don't suffer any unexpected injuries.)And then, the future. My future. Hopefully full of happiness, and adventure (I'll make sure it is!)Although there are no funny stories or hiking adventures to relate today, it was a day well spent. Never take your friends for granted. Try to spend time with them, if you can. Everyone needs someone to understand and support them. I am lucky to be wealthy in friendships.I am thankful for my friends, for the chance to spend time with them, for the chance to rest my body and my mind and see that happiness can be achieved. Some dreams aren't unrealistic. I am thankful that I may have the chance to find that in my future.