Date: 2010-06-14
To: Boston, MA
Miles today: 0.0

"... but Sisyphus teaches the higher fidelity that negates the gods and raises rocks. He too concludes that all is well. The universe henceforth without a master seems to him neither sterile nor futile... the struggle itself toward the heights is enough to fill a man's heart. One must imagine Sisyphus happy"- Albert Camus, from "The Myth of Sisyphus" One tells oneself that giving up is not an option, but life doesn't work in absolutes, in binary "on-offs" or in hollywood script-like comebacks. The reality is that my body, but most importantly my mind, have no desire to continue this hike. I'm doing well physically, but I have no desire to return to the trail. So, even though I said I wouldn't give up, I am going to call it a hike at 685 miles. It wasn't my intended destination, but it is where my journey took me. There is, naturally, some disappointment in my not reaching my goal, but I'm surprisingly sanguine about what this hike was: it was my shortest hike (the next shortest was 1,290 miles in 2001, when I stopped after September 11) and I didn't even get out of Virginia; and it is also the hike for which I was best prepared and enjoyed the least from the very early stages. Fairly early on I knew it would be my last long distance hike, regardless how far along I got. I knew early on the odds were stacked against me, even though I had hiked the entire trail and finished it in 2002, my body, mind, and proclivities did not match up well to an ultra-long distance hike -- again -- and they still don't! Even though I've now logged more than 7,000 miles on the A.T. since 2000, I'm just not suited to thru-hiking for a number of physical and psychological reasons well chronicled in this journal and my previous journals. I can't adequately convey, it's ineffable really, just how happy I am that this hike, which turned out to be tortuous and HELLISH for me, is over. Had I continued -- had I forced myself to continue (and it would have been forced because the last thing I wanted to really do was go back out) -- I feel fairly confident that I would have chosen to go home eventually, well before I reached Katahdin. I'm convinced, now more than ever, that I'm just not cut out for this. And that's just fine, I'm really o.k. with that. I'm really looking forward to going home, and don't expect to miss the A.T. at all; this past week was especially instructive in that respect: I didn't miss the trail, the heat, the humidity, the thunderstorms, the bugs, the crappy food, the awful dehydration, the negative state of mind, the "frat boy party" mentality so prevalent among so many hikers this year, the discomfort, and so much more -- all the things that are so nebulous in the ideal before the hike, but come across with the force of a "reality check" sledgehammer when one is actually hiking out on the trail on a daily basis for 5-6 months. I thank you for reading along and signing my guest book. It was very uplifting to get encouragement along the way. I think my experience is instructive to those attempting this in the future. One must be highly attuned to one's body and mental state, and especially careful with dehydration when it becomes hot, given the intensity of the physical activity of a thru-hike. This was the third time I became dehydrated on the trail, the previous two times included overnight hospitalizations, and in 2001, after the first time I climbed Katahdin, it included acute renal failure. In a sense I was "cooked" before I started. But I'm truly happy I started and tried it again, as the psychological preparation I did leading up to the hike, with the help of Dr. Meryl Levin, were truly life affirming and life changing in behavioral terms. This time, truly, more than ever before it was about the journey and not the destination. I'd be lying if I told you there isn't some disappointment involved in not reaching Maine, but it's a transient disappointment, as the journey, while difficult, was instructive and positive in many ways too. I met some very "excellent-good" people, saw the first 685 miles of the trail again (for the fifth time!), enjoyed some great weather hiking days, and shed over 30 lbs. Those are the things I'm the happiest with; I enjoyed them while they happened and while they lasted, but I'll only really miss seeing those good people again. And I'll hopefully see them again at Trail Days next year. I'm nearly giddy with anticipation as I board the bus from Roanoke to Lynchburg, VA, where I'll board the Amtrak train to Boston tomorrow morning. I'm almost ecstatic: I'm going home and headed on and that is "excellent-good!" Thanks again for reading along and signing my guest book. It was what it was and life goes on. Hike happy!