Date: 2015-10-31
To: The end...and the beginning.
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: clear sky

I just got back from my annual site visit to the orphanage in Vietnam. (bigbigworld.org) I went to Vietnam only a week after my the completion of my hike. I was already experiencing that overwhelm of artificial light-noise-traffic- so to find myself in Ho Chi Minh City in that re-entry phase was jarring. It is incredibly noisy and crowded, over stimulating for every sense a human possesses. But, it is also my touchstone, my "grandmas kitchen", my "get centered" place, because that whole expectation of personal space thing is only an American concept, so Vietnam is similar to all of the countries I spent my entire youth growing up in. It was comforting. My 15 year old daughter came with me and we had a wonderful time together, catching up, bonding. And now I'm back.How will I fit the experience of hiking the AT into my life? There is so much to think about and I find myself daydreaming about just walking in the woods. I am withdrawing from endorphins and silence and the incredible experience of thinking without distraction. It is very important to me that I use what I have learned and grow as a human being from my experiences. And like a marraige, I don't think it will just come naturally. I think it will be very easy to fall back into bad habits so I will have to work hard at this. There are changes I will make...some I have already determined, some are unknown to me as of yet.I have tried to go back to my shop and have found that the only things I feel comfortable doing are things like washing windows and cleaning toilets. I left my shop in March as a highly critical and burned out boss- definitely not the boss I started out as 12 years ago. It just kind of happened over the last few years. I slowly lost my spark, my ability to work to people's strengths. I became more focused on their challenges and it sucked the joy out of my role. (for me and for them) Coming back, i feel nothing but appreciation and respect for my young staff. They pulled it off and did it well. Although-we are going to have a cleaning party soon! I have always loved to be the center of attention. I have a job as an art and entertainment retail store owner that requires me to be "on" all of the time. I have no problem making small talk, I have never been outwardly shy, and back in the day, I LOVED first dates the best. So awkward, so "who knows what will happen." I always suspected that inside of me was a quieter more reflective person, but I never met her until I did this hike. The people part of my job-something I used to thrive on- is hard for me right now. I am taking it slow and it is getting better.While at the orphanage this year, at our annual barbecue, I spent much of the time one on one with the kids. I stayed away from the center of the party where I would usually be, and took a long walk with one of the teenage girls. I have know her since she was little. We do not speak each others language so we were quiet. We held hands and I marveled at the intensity of silent connection. Then she started singing some vietnamese songs and I just listened. It was a highlight of my trip and it is something I would not have been capable of doing before this hike.I also visited a home for the elderly, female war veterans, and held their hands and listened to them talk about their loss and experiences during the French and American wars. Our translator helped us talk to them. It was an incredible experience, very interesting, and the women so needed companionship. Visiting the elderly is not something that I would have done before this hike. It requires too much listening, and sitting still. Now I want to find a way to fit this into my life. Being quiet, being still, being able to be a witness and not always be a performer is a gift I have received from this hike. I am still mostly an extrovert, but I have access to that other part of my personality now and I am grateful.Hiking on the AT is a long journey inside of your head. I examined all of my character flaws closely. I found myself mourning what I should have said and what I should have done in a million different situations. Being a blurter and a compulsive person leads to things you wish you didn't say. Argh-it is a curse sometimes. I have been able to justify lots of bad behavior over my life, but on this hike i laid myself bare to honest self assessment. And then I let those things go. I know how to move forward. And just like on the AT, I know I am going to fall a lot.Hiking on the AT helped me understand judgment and how limiting it is in our lives. I met all kinds of people on the AT and we were all on a level playing field regardless of what our situation back in our lives was. I enjoyed almost everyone I met, and I learned from almost everyone I met. I am especially impressed with the twenty something crowd. I have no fears about the future leadership of this country based on the majority of the young people I met. We are in good hands.Hiking the AT illuminated how important it is surround yourself with people who love you and genuinely care about you, and how important being that person for them is. I had hiking partners who cared about me, and me them. D.No, C.Shell, and Katwalk are going to be lifelong friends. Gifts from the trail. I am a very lucky person to have people like this in my life- my amazing family and friends-and now I want to really nurture the relationships in my life that are important to me. Recently, a friend who is mentoring my college daughter said this, when I thanked her for her encouraging support: "The world will beat you up if you don't surround yourself with people who see your magnificence and blow on the coals so that the fire continues to grow and shine." My wish for myself is that I can embrace the philosophy of my wise friend. This is going to be a challenge because I have some "its all about me" to shed. But I think the trail has given me a self awareness that will lead me in the right direction. The trail was hard, Really hard. I am amazed with myself because I finished. I am proud of myself. I loved he challenge, the pain, the pushing my limits, the friendships. I loved morphing from being a terrified mess in my tent the first night stealth camping by myself to the confident and fearless person I was at the end. I loved that I lost 43 pounds by working my ass off and that my husband thinks Im hot. I love that my kids are proud of me. I love that my parents are bragging about me.Mostly though- I love that I have had the opportunity to get to know myself and this beautiful country I live in. I have never really connected with either in a comfortable way, and now I feel like i belong. Not only did I explore my head, I explored trail towns and met the wonderful folks living there. I listened to their stories, and they have stories to tell, The generosity and authenticity of people who live near the trail, the trail angels who help out hikers, is humbling. The beauty and diversity of the terrain, the wildflowers, the butterflies and bears- all introduced me to the US at a gut level. As a foreign service brat with no real "home" in this country-I needed that connection. Maybe I'll finally stop running away from home.My husband wrote a beautiful letter to me a couple of years ago. In it he said that I was a "gift that forever opens". It is so nice to have a person in your life who sees you in that way. I am going to steal those words to describe my experience on the trail. The benefits and lessons learned will only grow as time goes on. I hope I can live up to the opportunities before me because of this experience. I want to.My thru hike on the AT is a gift that will forever open.