Date: 2004-04-15
From: Newport, TN

To: Max Patch
Miles today: 13.6

Day 334.15.0410:15amHave to get back on the trail. Otherwise I¢ll end up dropping out. Had a heck of a time getting a ride out of Newport. Asked at least 20 folks, almost bursting into tears when they said no, especially the ones who were very friendly about it. About to throw in the towel and call home to get Gpa to pick me up. Sitting at the Exxon station, starring disconsolately at nothing, figuring out the wording for the call home, when this woman approached me. I hadn¢t bothered asking b/c they looked to have a jam-packed van. But, over she came. Said she saw my pack. Told her about my hike. Turns out her husband hiked a section in VA. They shoved stuff around, and I jumped in w/ their terrier, Killer. Their generosity almost made me start crying again.12:40pmAbout 2 hours into my hike, and I¢m wondering what I¢m doing. Am I making a huge mistake? I¢m not having fun anymore, and when I think back, I haven¢t really enjoyed myself since before Fontana. And I think knowing that I would be seeing mom was what motivated me most of all. I just don¢t know what¢s wrong w/ me. I feel as if I have some mental barrier, that there¢s this huge wall that I keep throwing myself against, to no avail. It doesn¢t budge. These past few days in town, I kept telling myself -- just have to get back out there, get a few miles under me, then I¢ll perk up again. But that hasn¢t happened. Instead, I feel even more convinced that I¢ve made a horribly wrong decision. I¢ve been telling myself from the beginning that I¢d only hike til I didn¢t enjoy it anymore (or that I¢d never stay at a job that was no longer fun). And yet here I am, slogging through day after day, mile after mile. I wish I knew if this was just a temporary thing, if this was just a normal part of the mental struggle that everyone experiences. But, from what others have said, it¢s usually only a day or two that you¢re down, then you realize how truly fortunate you are to be out here. I do recognize that, but somehow, it¢s not enough anymore. God, if this is similar to depression, I have a whole new sympathy for those suffering. I want to want to be out here, I yearn to recapture what I first felt, but it¢s not there. And hasn¢t really been there for weeks. Sure, there¢ve been moments where I¢ve been overwhelmed by what I see out here, but only moments. The magic is gone. And I hope and hope and hope it¢ll come back, but I don¢t know if it¢s worth it for me to keep going just to see if it will. That¢s not being honest w/ myself. I think the reason I¢ve been pushing on, not willing to quit is more selfish than anything else. I don¢t want to quit b/c so many people are expecting me to finish. I don¢t want to disappoint them. Or myself. The idea of quitting is repugnant. But moreso, it¢s the thought of letting everybody down. But, in contrast, to be hiking for others, just so I can say I did it, that¢s not being fair to myself. I¢m cheating myself. I¢m beginning to think what I need to do is get off the trail for a solid week, clear my head. But not in a motel room. I need to go home. One thing visiting w/ G & G made me realize is the importance of family, of spending time w/ the people you love. I don¢t love easily, it doesn¢t come readily for me, but those I do love, I love wholeheartedly. And since I¢m not demonstrative, I can at least show it by being there and helping out. It would do me a world of good, maybe help me recapture the feeling of the trail. I just don¢t know how to break it to mom and dad. Dad especially. They¢ve been unbelievably wonderful through everything, and dad has been especially involved, it¢s brought us closer. I just don¢t want to disappoint him. I know they¢d both be supportive of my choice, but I know it¢d be a huge let down. I want him to come out here and hike w/ me. Maybe that¢d be the boost I need. Oh, I don¢t know. I¢m just rambling on now. It really helps to let it all out. I¢ve been trying to maintain a positive attitude, even in this darn private journal. Afraid to admit, even to myself, the possibility of a hiatus. Afraid giving voice to the idea gives it substance. Maybe it does, but I feel better for it. Feel like, whatever I decide, it won¢t be just a spur of the moment thing. I¢ll have 30 miles of trail to really reflect and think about this. And, if I still feel kinda down when I reach Hot Springs, I¢ll phone home. Right now, I need to press on, if I¢m gonna cover any ground at all today.9:15pmLate night for me, up on Max Patch. Phenomenal sunset. Tent city up here on top of the world. Met up w/ Little Chicken and Smoky Mtn Steve at Hawk Roost, as they were foraging ramps. They encouraged me to press on to Max Patch. Wouldn¢t have made it w/o them, but boy am I glad I did. Serves as a reminder as to why I¢m out here. Would¢ve missed this if I¢d turned around. But, all the same, I know the rough days and hours aren¢t behind me. There¢ll be more moments of angst and doubt, probably a lot of tomorrow. But my long-winded rant did help. Just spelling out my feelings in black and white, made me see my priorities. Today was a day of extreme ups and downs, figuratively and literally. Lots and lots of climbing. Trail magic from Faith and Morris. Major doubts and thoughts of quitting. And the beauty of tonight. They aren¢t kidding when they say its 80-90% mental and only a little bit physical of a challenge. Well, it¢s getting late. Want to catch the sunrise. Should be spectacular.