Date: 2006-04-30
From: Shenandoah National Park- Calf Mountain

To: Pinefield Hut
Miles today: 26.2
Weather: overcast clouds

I have something I must confess. Sometimes I am not as authentic as I could be when I write about this journey. I sometimes act happy when I am not. At times I only write to tickle your ears. I don't want to burden you with my troubles as I am sure you have enough of your own. I want you to be happy when you turn off your computer screen...leave somewhat refreshed, renewed. Not sad, not simpathetic, yet satisfied, journeyed.. I am sorry. But you know how it is.. I want to put on this tough man facade, no one likes to look weak, I am no different. I want so desperately the mirage that all is going well and the raw image that nothing is going to slow me down. But that is not what is real. This trip is not as shiny as I try to portray at times. I will tell you no matter what you think of me. If I am weak, so be it, if I am not as tough as you, I could care less. Complainer? I may be. But this journal I have no choice. This is what is real, say or feel what you please. Today I am completely and utterly miserable. The word misery doesn't even do justice to what I am feeling at this moment in time. Today broke me. I am in pieces. My body, my mind, my spirit. All my toes are numb, my joints are stiff as trees, my Plantar Fasciitis is the worst it has ever been, daily I have been overdosing on my precriptions just to be able to finish the day. Every single step feels like a thousand little knifes enteriing into the bottoms of my feet. I can't remember the last time I finished a hike and it still be daylight out. After 20 miles today, I sat beside the trail and rubbed my feet in agony, knowing that I had a long 6 miles till the shelter. It was already 5ish and I knew night hiking (again) was going to be my only option if I was going to make it. I walked liked an old man. Yelling, cursing, moaning in pain. My trekking poles were being used more like crutches than walking sticks. To add to this purging, my head lamp batteries were dying. The darkness came quickly and I couldn't see a foot in front of my face, it was as if I had a cell phone light on my head. All I had was a pale shine, I couldn't even see the blazes unless I stuck my face right up to the trees. So here I am all alone, nearly lost every 10 minutes and almost to the point of crawling down the trail with the pain in my feet. I tripped and fell. I picked myself up in determination that I was going to fight my way out. Then I lost the trail. I couldn't see where to go. I walked around for about 10 minutes and couldn't find where to go. I thought about just sleeping there and waiting till sunrise so I could see where to walk. But I just kept searching and finally found the trail again. Then I fell again. This time the right ankle. I laid on the ground and the tears began to fall. Not sad tears, but tears of pain and anger. Once again I yelled to God "Why?" I heard no response. Finally through the dark and my tears I got back up and just kept trying to stumble forward. It was only 1.6 more to the shelter. And then it happened. For the 3rd time in a matter of an hour I fell again. This time my left ankle on a small rock and fell to the ground. I lost it. I started screaming/crying.."WHY GOD WHY". Like I wasn't limping enough all ready!! I already felt my right ankle begining to swell from 5 minutes earlier and now this! I couldn't believe this was happening to me. "Haven't I been through enough Lord?" I asked him. Is this suppose to be my upothia? This is more like Hell... I lay there feeling the texture of the dead leaves on my lips and wanted to just die. Well I didn't die and I still didn't hear God. I just got up again. I didn't give up and eventually after what felt like an eternity I made it to the shelter.