Date: 2008-05-03
From: Homr

To: Home
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: overcast clouds

So I've been home now for several days. All of my gear is clean again, dryagain, the down stuff is hanging up again to stay poofey. I've not yet made myresupply list, but will do that this coming weekend.I mentioned in a previous entry that I wanted to write about deferment. Basically, it's not getting what you want the instant you decide you want it. Have you ever met people that have so much "stuff" and they keep accumulatingmore...and more...and more... (I actually think mail-order catalog or shoppingaddicts fall into this category). What I think is that it is in the wanting,anticipation of getting, being forced to wait that is the best part of life andis also the very thing these types of addicts are addicted to...it's not aboutthe thing, it's about the process of accumulating the thing (hitting the orderbutton on-line, seeing the tracking information, waiting to see the package onthe doorstep, opening it, and then sadly, they are disappointed when the thingis theirs now, so they do it all over again with something else).So the AT for me, I emailed my cyber-buddy Sheri and told her that I can notwait AND could wait forever to make it to Mt. Katahdin. Why? For now, it isthe anticipation of "the moment" when I touch that sign, that brings me so muchjoy. There have been days/months when it seemed to be the impossible goal toattain. There have been other days that I just know I'm going to make it thisyear. I told Karen this morning that I just wasn't sure how I was going tofeel once I made it there. I have my suspicions.....initially ecstatic andthen deeply depressed, but unlike those mail-order addicts, what I have gainedfrom this journey, you can not set upon a shelf and look at it everyday, mylife has been enriched and changed because of this hike, so the depression willpass and I will then find joy in my memories and in living it all over againthrough others' journeys via trailjournals and by section hiking for the restof my life.This whole hike has now been 2+ years in the making for me. It has, in part,been one of the main focal points for me. It has changed my life completely.There are 2 things in my life left undone....this second Master's degree andthe AT. I'm taking steps to complete them both right now.So deferment, it takes you back to the basics, or at least in the context ofhiking it does. There is no joy like that first hot shower, there is no joylike that first meal in town or that first middle of the night pee where youcan stay half asleep and wander to the flushing toilet and not have to lookaround for sasquatch in the woods. There is no joy like seeing a loved oneafter time apart (this one is the best of all to me..the joy of genuine humanconnection).It is because of this concept that I think I'll always find things to worktowards that I can't just make happen instantly. Let's face it, if I couldmanage to work/save/purchase all of the gear for this hike, I could haveapplied that energy into purchasing my dream Harley Davidson, but I don't. Ilike wanting it, and it is, afterall, about the only material possession Icovet.I joke all the time about winning the lottery, but I almost don't want to havethe ability to "have" anything I want the instant I decide I want it. The joyin deferment is synonymous with the joy found in the journey, the process. WeALL know that spending hours devising a detailed hiking itinerary for athru-hike is about as useful as a tent on rocky ground (or a tent ingeneral..but a hammock is another story all together!!), and in forums likewhiteblaze and trailjournals, that message is constantly being told to peoplewho admit they are working on their detailed itinerary. I don't tell them it'sa waste, because I believe they are doing it, spending the time on creating itas part of their joy in the process...the journey taken to even get out to thetrail. Who cares if someone wants to make an itinerary, if it gives them joyor it's their way of understanding the experience on a cognitive level, thenwhy tell them to stop? Now, if they kill themselves trying to stick to it,that's a problem, but that's a totally different issue (lack of flexibility andneed for control..which is non-existent out there).The deferment in that example comes from not being able to hike THAT day, in thewaiting for March or April or June or July, in having to stay connected to theexperience in the form of an itinerary. And in my opinion, itineraries (forhiking and small group activities where everyone can communicate easily) servethe same purpose as blankey's for little kids. They guarantee nothing, butmake the person carrying it around feel better for some reason, even if it is afalse sense of security. We all do what we all have to do though right?There is a gamble with deferment though, and that is complacency and/or fear.We have to keep our desires alive and not be afraid to keep them alive, be it aconnection with a person, hiking the AT, finishing that degree, or fulfilling apromise to yourself to go to Asia. When people told me in the beginning thatin order to hike the entire AT, it required that you make it a priority, Ithought, "Well, that makes sense, but it's not a profound statement, becausethat applies to everything doesn't it?" But in its own way, it IS a profoundstatement, because saying and doing are 2 very different things.I'm bringing this up for several reasons. First, if you hike for more than 1day where you give up those comforts, you will experience a certain degree ofthis deferment/joy, and the more days you spend in the cycle ofhiking/towns/hiking/towns, the more you get to enjoy the simple things in life(and this is the exact reason we all get sucked into towns at some pointtoo...the cycle of deferment/joy can be exhausting too).Second, I'm sitting on a college campus right now, watching students walk by ontheir cell phones, texting, listening to their i-pods, carrying theircomputers, drinking Starbucks, wearing the latest fashions and without judgingthem...but judging what we've (as in society) created, it's blatantly obviousthat deferment is not something we hold in high regard in our culture.Actually, it's quite opposite...push-button instant gratification, consumerism.We take for granted all of the simple things you give up when you hike (one ofmy biggest ones is climate control...as in HEAT!).Folks, with the exception of those people in our country that truly live inpoverty and do not even have the basics, the vast majority of us (as comparedto the rest of the world's citizens) are so incredibly privileged. My concernis that we don't really teach each other or our children (in general) to noticeit or appreciate it. We've somehow turned it into this attitude of entitlement,which is both horrifying and completely unattractive to me.I am not immune to it either though, this dissatisfaction with life waspartially responsible for getting me out on the AT. I got to the point where Icouldn't see how fortunate I was to be able to make my home comfortable with thechange of a thermostat setting, or how fortunate I was to be able to drive lessthan a mile and have everything I needed (plus a bunch of stuff I didn't) at myfingertips.Hiking the AT, literally living with everything you need on your back andcarrying it over mountains, streams, rocks, and dirt....it changes you in avery deep way. This is why I think it is so hard for so many of us to everreadjust to "normal life" again, it seems too easy or fabricated. Out on thetrail, everything you choose to hump serves a purpose, excess is a dirty wordand in my case, I'll stay a little hungry as opposed to hiking with more(heavy) food. And when I do get that chinese food, that shower, that flushingtoilet...I appreciate it so much and relish in the beauty of it all.The AT provides you with a perspective check/change whether you want it or not,and it's partly due to this concept of deferment. I feel so incrediblyfortunate that I know that anytime I need an attitude adjustment, anytime Ineed to get knocked down to the basics again, anytime I need to remember whatit's like to not have what I want when I want it....I can throw on my pack andhead for the AT or any other trail out there. What a gift I have received fromthis trail and this experience.~Certain