Date: 2015-04-26
From: Uncle Johnny's Nolichucky Hostel

To: USFS 230
Miles today: 11.8

It is sometimes very difficult for me to decide what to write about in this journal. To you, reading this, it is just a story. For me, it is real life. All of the people are real, physical beings out here on the trail with me. When I call them by name - even if it is just by trail name - there is always the chance that they will read the things that I say. And there is always the chance that they might be hurt, or offended, or upset. So I try to be careful with the names I name and the things that I say.At the same time, I want this journal to be an accurate reflection of my life and time on the trail. I want you to be able to get a glimpse into the reality of trail life - and every day is hugely influenced by the people I meet, the people I have met and left behind, or who have left me behind, and the people I hope to meet again.I also want to state the obvious: I am a young, single female on the trail. There are plenty of other women out here - Sweet Time, BonBon, Frozen Mac, Ru, Zen.... Some of them travel with their boyfriends, like Gummie Bear (hiking with Sour Patch). Others travel with friends. Some, like me, primarily travel alone.The trail is a male-dominated world. There are more men out than women, hands down. It is just a fact of the trail. This doesn't bother me. It doesn't make me uncomfortable. It takes a certain type of person to even be out here. Starting out, we all have that in common. There is an unspoken bond that exists and runs through every person who is out hiking this trail.That doesn't mean that I'm not careful, though. I listen to my intuition, to try to judge a person's character before I let my guard down too much. Trail bond or not, these are still strangers in the middle of the woods.There is the problem that I am young and single surrounded by young and single men. For some people, this would be like heaven - all these young, strong, fit and handsome guys to ogle at all day. But I am not interested, and I have to make that clear. A few guys have expressed interest and I have to know when to draw the line between friendship and something more than friendship. This is an issue that has come up multiple times. It is hard because such a huge part of hiking the trail is meeting new people and making friends. Every day, I make new friends. It is FANTASTIC. But I am out here alone, and being kind of naturally introverted, I am not looking for a partner.I decided to hike alone because I wanted to live MY personal adventure, without having to worry daily about someone else's wants or needs. I want to hike when I want to hike, stop when and where I want to stop, talk to whoever I want to talk to, and do whatever I want to do. I enjoy seeing friends along the trail but I like hiking alone. It was nice to stick with Hands, JD, Twister, etc. for a while. I might enjoy sticking with such a group on and off, hiking alone during the day and meeting at night, but this is nearly impossible as everyone keeps a different pace.With that said, I would like to tell you more about my weekend. I will include more details than I divulged in yesterday's post. If anyone reading this has any problems, though I imagine there are few people that would, please let me know.When I left No Business Knob shelter on Friday afternoon, fleeing a potential shakedown, I texted Columbo that I was heading into Erwin in a few hours. I had promised that I would let him know, because he lives nearby and could stop for a visit. I had enjoyed hiking to Hot Springs with him, and after hiking alone all week and tenting, which was more antisocial than staying in shelters, I was eager for a friendly face.He texted me back that he had ALREADY PAID for my bunk at Uncle Johnny's hostel. I was floored. And excited. This meant that I could shower. I could wash my clothes. I could pick up my mail drop and sort through it without having to worry about being fast so I could continue down the trail and find a camping spot for the night.I FLEW down the last six miles to Erwin, dreaming of a hot shower and clean towel.When I arrived at Uncle Johnny's and inquired, they confirmed that I had a place in the hostel. I dumped my pack and took a shower. It wasn't as hot as I had imagined in my daydreams, but it was still amazing.Columbo arrived with friends after the Hiker Shindig dinner had been served. He purchased a spot in one of the cabins at Uncle Johnny's, and after I finished eating I greeted him with a hug and enthusiastic thanks.And since I don't want to write a novel, I will try to tell you the important details:He cleared his social calendar to spend time with me and enjoy the Hiker Shindig. He brought me an apple and sharp cheddar cheese, which I told him was my favorite last Sunday. He stood next to me at the campfire on Friday night and said a thousand flattering things. I let him convince me into taking a zero day, as rain and storms were in the forecast for Saturday night.He kept me company when I took the shuttle to the post office. He had fun tagging along on my boring errands. He paid for the pizza we split at Pizza Plus and he offered to pay for my Dr. School's insoles. He told me my eyes are beautiful. When we were browsing Uncle Johnny's store and I mentioned that I was considering buying another pair of socks to use as a layer of added cushion in my 10s, he bought me a pair of socks. Good hiking socks are not cheap. Could a girl be treated better? I'm doubtful.I have never had a man treat me like this (at least not one with romantic intentions. My dad spoils me ridiculously and the pizza/shoe fairy has contributed endlessly to my hike, not to mention a dozen Taco Sundays). He insisted on doing all of these things for me despite my protests. I felt so guilty, like I was using him (although I certainly hadn't asked him to do any of these things) told him this repeatedly. In return, he told me that it was his choice. He told me that he was helping me achieve the AT goal, that He made it clear that he thought I was a special person and that he was having a great time spending the weekend with me.And I have to say, I was enjoying myself, too. But like I said, I am not looking for a relationship. I am not looking for a fling. I don't want any of it - I am out here to gain perspective and clear my head, not to make my life MORE complicated and confusing. I made this clear to him last Sunday and repeatedly over the course of the weekend. And he was respectful of my boundaries the entire time. Not one toe crossed that imaginary line.And as we sat to watch The Goonies, the sun was shining outside and my heart ached for the trail. It is ADDICTING. I could hardly bear to waste the beautiful hiking hours. I itched to get up, sling on my pack, and head out across the river and up the trail. But you don't ditch someone who buys you socks. Especially not someone who is excited about hiking with you, who you like, respect, and enjoy spending time with.And then as the movie started, he asked me a crushing question. Under different circumstances, in a different time or place, would he have had a chance at more with me?What am I supposed to say to something like that? He is an amazing person. I wouldn't have wasted a day at Uncle Johnny's to spend with him otherwise. I am definitely attracted to him. He is an attractive person, in multiple ways. So I was honest, and answered yes. And when he asked why I am not looking for more, I was honest. I am enjoying being alone on the trail. I was with a high school boyfriend for seven years, we went to Korea, it ended, I came home, and he stayed there. I have some emotional baggage and I am just not ready for more than friendship.He kindly and respectfully accepted this explanation. And I was struck with emotion, SO MANY FEELINGS. I am not Cheryl Strayed. I am not addicted to drugs, or going through a divorce. My last relationship wasn't horrible or traumatic. I loved Jim and I know he loved me.The trouble is, I still do. I'm not over it yet and I know it will still be a long time until I am. I am not going to pretend that it won't. I am not going to lead anyone on or let them think otherwise. I am not a huge bitch (at least, I try not to be. I do have my moments... sorry, mom).And part of the reason I am on the AT is so that I can work through and get past those feelings. Moving home for the winter was hard - the depressing snow and the monotony of my job was bad enough, but everywhere I turned were reminders of the past. Prom pictures on my desk, old letters from college, board games we played together, TV shows we used to watch, places we used to walk our dogs, the gas station where we bought those gross slush drinks.The first weeks on the trail were so busy that I didn't spend much time thinking about it. This weekend, it has barely been off of my mind.This is good and bad. I need to work through it eventually. It made me rough this weekend, though.So last night I told myself that I have plenty of time to hike and that I should enjoy myself. I didn't argue, against my better judgment, when Columbo announced that he intended to slackpack (hike without a pack) the next section of the AT with me, past Indian Grave Gap to Beauty Spot, where his friend would pick him upSo the plan was made, and I promised another day to a good friend, happy for the prospect of his company despite my innate introverted need for solitude.And when I won that backpack last night, that beautiful, amazing, water repellent, Granite Gear daypack of my wildest dreams, I had to ask myself, "What am I going to do with this?!" I could carry it with me for two weeks until I met mom and Dan, but it was bulky and added weight. I could waste half the next morning and postage to send it home. Another hiker offered to pay me $70 for it.But as I sat there, my tummy full of pizza, wearing my new socks, my bed for the night again paid for by Columbo, I knew what I had to do. And it KILLED me a little to do it. I was already in love with that pack. But really, I am hiking to Katahdin for the next 5 months. I have a pack to use to get me there. And although I could DEFINITELY use a new daypack, someone else deserved it more. So I gave it to Columbo. He deserved that good karma, and it looked more like a guy's pack anyway.And as we hiked this morning, I wore that new pack, breaking it in before letting it go. As we walked, we talked about life, about his business, about AT obsession, shelters, death, nature, salamanders... so many things. And he paid me more compliments and told me he knew he would see me again and told me of his plans to hike Katahdin in August, and that he could stop and visit me wherever I may be along the trail at that point. And we agreed to the possibility of meeting in the future and more happening in the future.We made it to Beauty Spot two hours before his friend was to arrive, and I tried not to let the frustrated itch of hiking desire get to me. I wanted to get to the next shelter, I wanted to get in at least 15 miles after hiking 0 yesterday. And I could tell that he noticed my discomfort, and I felt bad that I let the trail take priority over a person - a good person and a good friend.While I was forced to wait, and by the time my pack arrived, the temperature had dropped, it was starting to rain, and I could think of nothing but pitching my tent and crawling into my sleeping bag, warming my numb fingers, and calling my mom (yes, I am that much of a baby).So I bid Columbo goodbye today, receiving a gentlemanly kiss on the cheek, handing over that pack, and turning to walk to the campsite to pitch my tent with tears in my eyes (I KNOW, I AM A BABY), not for the love I could have had but still for the love I once had and just can't seem to let go.I pitched my tent in the rain and binge-ate from my snack bag like a teenager who's just been dumped to soothe my irrationally emotional heart. And I called my mom, who always makes me feel better and is good at putting me in my place.So that is why I hike alone. I will hike my own hike. I want friends, but I don't want the drama of more. I want to enjoy the trail without those pains and distractions, at least for now.I am grateful for the lessons I learned this weekend. I am grateful that there is a person out there who thinks I am beautiful and appreciates me, and, most of all, respects my boundaries. I am grateful that I was able to give him that pack to repay him in part for all of the kindness that he showed me. I am grateful that I have loved deeply enough for the loss of it to still hurt (even though it also sucks, haha). I am super grateful that I have awesome new socks, because they really helped my fat feet today.