Date: 2009-04-27
To: Adjustment
Miles today: 0.0

This entry may repeat things stated earlier and will definitely include new material...I just wanted to organize it and put it all in one place. These are my thoughts/adjustments/stresses from the first month or so after returning home from the trail. In no particular order:- I was so accustomed to hiking every day, not staying in one place for a long time, that I became antsy very quickly. Yes, I enjoyed the first few days off, as I did every zero day, but enough was enough...I wanted to get moving. Didn't I have some place to hike? - Contrary to the above statement, I ended up sitting around a bunch. Why, if I was feeling to antsy? Exhaustion, maybe, or maybe because of the following two points: - I felt aimless, as if I didn't have a purpose anymore. Beginning a year before I began my trek, and even before that, I had been planning this hike. Most things I did or thought about were related to my upcoming thru hike. Every step of each day, literally and figuratively, I was working my way towards living out my dream. I had been mentally, emotionally, economically, and physically planning for it, and it didn't end when I climbed up Springer Mountain. It continued through the almost six months on the trail, but ended when I arrived home. Even when I reached Baxter Peak on Katahdin, "what now?" seemed to pop into mind. And that sentiment resurfaced multiple times after that moment, as I'm sure it will do so again. I let myself live in that wondering and in a depressive state for a while. How did I get out of it? I eventually reminded myself of a sign in Rob Byrd's house that reads something like "Don't be sad that it is over, smile because it happened." Another thing that helped was to find another project to distract me, to give myself some direction and a purpose for the days. Also, as other thru hikers settled into their post-trail life, we were in better communication. Catching up with them, hearing how their transition was going (or not going) helped. - I felt very alone. I was used to being with Wrongway every day, and Wing It every day in the beginning. I was used to being surrounded by people who knew what it was like to be on the trail...who shared similar experiences, who also almost got blown off Mt. Madison, who slipped in the last river, too, during a ford, etc...When I got home, I was still surrounded by people, but (and no offense) they didn't know, didn't understand. Many of them had read my journal and were in good contact with me, and talked to me about it, supported me, and I am grateful...but I was still lonely. - The whole bathroom routine...another change. Now I have to wait to use the bathroom...it probably sounds perplexing to some, not something one might expect to be a big deal coming off the trail. On the trail, you can go most anywhere, whenever the need arises. At home there are less amounts of appropriate spots for such activities, and thus one must wait for others sometimes. A related aside: one learns to use less toilet paper on the trail (there is not a roll on each tree ). - Cars move so fast. enough said- I was very overwhelmed by all the buildings, just the fact that there were a lot around, crowded in together. (Over Christmas break I was in NYC for a couple days and I don't know how some people took a couple days straight from the trail to visit the city, wow) Also, though, when I first returned, I didn't enjoy being in buildings for a long period of time...it felt stuffy, maybe a little claustrophobic. Yes, when I came into town from the trail we would spend time in buildings, but it was only for a day or two, and was back out in the open, fresh air again soon. - One of the most overwhelming parts of returning, I think, was talking to people. Yes, there were people on the trail to talk to, but I was alone a lot, and sometimes didn't see the people I was traveling with all day, until I got to camp for the night. And when I returned, everyone wanted to hear about it. They asked all the questions, wanted stories, etc...I was exhausted from talking so much more than I had been used to. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED that everyone was interested and that I could share my experiences with them...and talking about it helped my transition immensely. Little by little I worked my way up to crowds of people at my celebration party.   I love talking about the trail, and always will, I'm sure, but I was always afraid of talking about it too much, too...more than people really wanted to hear. My whole life in those last 6 months was trail life. Sometimes I felt like I had nothing else to offer to the conversation. And I didn't want people to get tired of hearing it.   With all that being said, thank goodness I didn't have to return to a classroom right away! So...now, April, I am doing well, missing the trail and all that it entails, but I'm doing well. The above feelings are still present, but not quite so intense. I attended the PA Ruck in January, and was talking to Skeeter, another long distance hiker. We were talking about transitions and he said something along the lines of: some people never completely return from the trail. I believe this to be a true and strangely comforting thought, that, I have a feeling, describes me.