Date: 2008-08-26
From: Gorham, NH

To: Gorham, NH
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: broken clouds

I slept hard last nite, after spending some time thinking about logisticsyesterday concerning this next leg (again). I basically laid in bed all dayyesterday, with no energy, but did expend some mental energy to hiking¢¦.I¢mactually tired of doing that too at this point.We got up and were at the doc¢s by 8:30 this morning. When I checked in, theyasked if I had insurance, and I said no, but asked if they could bill me, butthey couldn¢t¢¦they said payment was due immediately. I told them I stillneeded to see a doctor. It was only minutes before I was called in afterfilling out the paperwork. My doctor was this awesome intense woman who hadlived in central America helping migrate monkeys from these islands that werecreated (and the animals were basically trapped) when they made the PanamaCanal.   I actually would have loved to have invited her out for coffee just totalk to her, because she seemed pretty interesting. I told her my symptoms andhow I was feeling, etc., and in her direct way goes ¢So, are you poopinguncontrollably?¢ (made me laugh that a doctor would use such a non-medicalterm). My answer¢¦no. So basically the verdict is this. She does not believeI have Giardia¢¦which I¢m SO glad to hear, but she has treated 1 case this year. She said she believes I had a stomach virus that stole my energy, which alongwith the amounts of Advil I¢ve been taking has caused my stomach to becomeinflamed again (like last year with that horrible Indomethicin). I told her Itake Prilosec, but she gave me some really great information about differentstomach pills.Prilosec lowers acid production in the stomach, but she said pepto-bismol isgreat stuff, and actually has an anti-microbial in it that is fantastic fortreating a wider range of stomach issues. She told me prilosec is mainly foracid reflux (which is why I stopped eating candy bars out here) and getthis¢¦she said there are 4 things that cause acid reflux: Chocolate (hence theproblems with candy bars), coffee, peppermint, and alcohol.   So she said sinceI didn¢t have a fever or the ¢squirts¢ that she would next look at my appendix,but I¢ve already had that removed like 20 years ago.   She told me to takepepto AND prilosec and to be careful about what I eat. She also said I shouldtotally stop using Advil (NOOOOO!!!! Not my Vitamin I!!!) and use Tylenol, or(this also made me laugh) I should try to sit in a cold stream for 5 minutes atthe end of the day to lower inflammation. Umm¢¦.I know it works, but I am NOTsitting in a stream when it¢s like 40 degrees outside! LOL She said I shouldbe feeling much better with each passing day (and I do feel better today than Idid 2 days ago, especially after getting some rest).   The doc said she could doall sorts of tests, but she did not believe anything would show up. I told herI had no insurance, so I¢d rather keep it as cost effective as possible, and Iwas confident that she really knew her stuff. I will admit, my appetite is notnormal and my stomach is still irritated after eating, but it¢s not as bad asthe day it all hit me, so I¢ll follow her advice and hope for the best.So there you go. Nothing exciting to report but a virus and one gimpy-assedstomach. So I walked out, turned in the paperwork with the checkout lady, andshe goes, ¢You¢re all set, thanks.¢ I was waiting for her to ask for payment,but she didn¢t.   So I don¢t know if the doc put something on the sheet aboutnot charging me, or if the checkout person did not communicate with thecheck-in person about me needing to pay immediately, but it was allcomputerized, and I said , ¢Are you sure?¢ and the lady confirmed I was set.So if the doc indeed did this pro-bono, THANK YOU Dr. Donna (they go by firstnames here). I¢ll be sending her a pic of me on Katahdin (hopefully) with ahuge thanks.Now that this was done¢¦.I took a mental and emotional nose dive today. Luckily,Karen and Aunti Mame were here, but I¢ll admit folks, I have been feeling sooverwhelmed lately, I uttered the words for the second time, ¢I just want to gohome.¢ Auntie Mame talked to 2 other hikers today who were both equally spent,exhausted, doubting if they had what it took to make it through, and just plainole¢miserable. There¢s something about making it this far, where you are 1 dayaway from being in Maine (or 2) and then you realize you STILL have 281 MOREmiles to go. Again, sounds great on paper¢¦sounds impossible when you¢reactually hiking it.I know as of late I¢ve been talking a lot about burning out, feeling crappy,tired, etc. I can¢t sugar coat my experience and this is what it is. I neededa MAJOR attitude adjustment if I was going to continue. Karen and I sat in thecar for a long time and talked. I¢ve realized that it almost seems like thismonotony of hike/town/hike/town/plan/resupply /etc. is making me feel smotherednow, where I long to go home, see my cats, RE-learn my own zip code (Karenshowed me a picture of our home that was on her computer¢¦and I didn¢t evenrecognize it at first!!!!). Before, I longed to get away from all of that andbe out here, but I¢ve had enough now. With the exception of literallycompleting what I started, I¢ve done all the work that I can do out here andI¢m ready to face the real world again. This is not unique to me though atthis point in the hike, SO many hikers we¢ve talked to are sounding this samesentiment.This does not mean I¢m throwing in the towel. I gave it serious thought andconversation today with Karen, who is great at encouraging me to just say whatI¢m really feeling and to deal with these things head on. I said it out loud,¢I want to just go home,¢ and instantly knew I just can¢t. I HAVE to finish.So if I HAVE to finish, I also HAVE to get my head back in the right place orthis is going to be the most miserable part of my hike¢¦when it should be thebest.I also emailed Persistent last nite, and she called me and left a veryencouraging message and emailed me an equally encouraging message. THANKS!!She understands, and she also knows me, which makes a difference. Ironically,she got sick hiking out of Gorham (yellow jackets) and had to turn around andhike back to town too. We¢ve had some amazing parallels in our hikes. Some ofyou may remember her ¢Norwood Fires¢ entry when she was in the Whites. She wassort of trapped at a shelter all freakin day on a miserably cold day and keptreading Norwood Fires, that someone had written on the shelter somewhere, andit was driving her crazy. Well, yesterday I had a ¢Norwood Fires¢ day as Ilaid in this bed, feeling sucked of all energy, looking out the window of thisroom and tracing the outline of a mountain that is right outside this place.Don¢t know what mountain it is¢¦but it didn¢t matter. Just laying here all day,looking at it, tracing, re-tracing, re-tracing, looking away, re-tracingagain¢¦all day long¢¦tracing¢¦re-tracing ¢¦it was driving me crazy and yet it wasa constant reminder of what my purpose is out here right now¢¦.to hike overmountains like this¢¦for about 290 more miles.So today, I came to the conclusion that I absolutely had to find a way to makemy brain ¢see¢ this hike as an attainable goal, because right now, it doesn¢tfeel like it is at all. So I called my mom and was sharing with her what wasgoing on and in the conversation I said something that when I heard it outloud, really rang in my head. I told her, starting tomorrow, I had 17 hikingdays until I was in Monson, Maine. To me, Monson is really my goal, becausethis is when Karen gets to join me, this is the last town stop, the last timeto worry about a major resupply, the last time I have to hike away fromcivilization, and with the exception of stopping at White House Landing hostel(72 miles north of Monson in the 100 mile wilderness) it would be the lastshower and last town food I enjoyed until I get to Mt. Katahdin. So, Monson iswhat I¢m fixated upon, and I¢m a mere 17 hiking days away from it. THAT wasgraspable to my brain.I can not think of it as 1 last state, 290 more miles, 5 more weeks, 7 moretrail maps (out of 37 maps)¢¦which are all pretty true as well. I justcan¢t¢¦it¢s overwhelming and it makes me take a deep breath in an attempt toempty my chest of the feeling of weight and despair that comes into it when theremainder of this hike is categorized in this manner. 17 hiking days¢¦that¢sdo-able.You hear over and over¢¦hiking the AT is more mental than physical. It¢s beenvery hard physically, but going and going and going and going is exhaustingmentally. I¢ve been out here this year as long (or longer) as some people havefor the whole trail, and I only had 1220 miles left to complete. I¢ve taken alot of time off here and there, but I did what I had to do when I needed to doit.   This journey has been in my life in one form or another since 2006. I¢mready to have this project behind me, and I have to say I¢m glad, because I wasafraid at one time that when I finished, I¢d want to turn around and hike backto Georgia and not want to face life again¢¦but that¢s not the case, and I¢mpretty glad about that. Of course, facing life again will also pose its ownchallenges, but I¢ll get to that when I get to that.So now I know I need to get ultra organized one last time this coming weekendafter A.M. and I reach Grafton Notch. I will have 2 days, and I¢m planning onresupplying for the remainder of my slackpack all the way to Monson so whenKaren picks me up, I go back to wherever, grab the next day¢s food, remove mytrash, fill my waters, take a shower, journal, and go to bed to do it all overagain the next day. Today I sat down and used 2 different maps and the Maineroad atlas to put sticky notes on all of the locations Karen will pick me upand drop me off on this slack packathon after Grafton Notch. I explained itall to her, and now she¢s over there reviewing and adding her touches toincrease her ease of pulling this off for me. I don¢t think I would be ableto finish this without her.So with this new perspective, I started pulling myself out of my funk. I got mypack ready to go. Oh, A.M. had given me a Lindor¢s chocolate ball the day wehiked out¢¦and I was so out of it, I put it in my left pack pocket with mysteri-pen, knife, bug spray and various other little things I need to get toquickly and forgot about it. Well, the damn thing melted and chocolate got allover everything and inside my pocket¢¦talk about a bear magnet! So I had toclean that out too¢¦I¢m such an airhead sometimes¢¦.of COURSE it would melt, itwas in the 80¢s!!I got my food ready for the next 3 days, we set up our next accommodations lastnite, so Karen and I took her car to the town of Bethel, ME, and came back.A.M. moved into our room and she bought the stuff for and made a great dinnerof caprese salad with chips and pico de gallo and a tiny little carrot cake.Great dinner, and we all had a fantastic conversation about life. Man is itnice to be in such wonderful company. I almost can¢t believe A.M. is leavingafter we reach Grafton Notch.V8 called and she made it home safely and is slowly shifting into real lifeagain. We miss her a lot.So whereas I didn¢t hike for the past 2 days, I actually did a lot of mentaltrail work. Maybe that¢s why this all happened, so I¢d have the time to get myhead back to the right place, because it had been slowly slipping back to anegative place again and I can¢t have that.I¢m continuing to fight¢¦I will continue to fight¢¦I want to see this through, butit¢s damn hard some days folks. It¢s damn hard¢¦..~Certain