Date: 2006-05-16
To: Prep #24-Fearing The Unknown 
Miles today: 0.0

Honestly, what in life IS known....I mean in a true sense? Yes, we've created comfortable little routines and schedules which adhere to some man-created measurement we call "time," but in all reality, what about any part of future life is truly known?My friend (and former professor now), taught us that the term "false-reality" is actually a misrepresentation of the truth. She said that it isn't false to the person experiencing it, therefore, it is their true reality. Well...I disagree only by the fact that if I (or you) are actually aware that the reality is fabricated/man-made, then I think you can call it false, simply because you recognize it for what it is and you see the alternative, even if you can't get out of it immediately.For example....I had the dubious pleasure of sitting through a 2 hour long staff meeting today at work. Again..I was observing as if I were a little mouse in the corner. There were cute little pens and sticky note pads for everyone to take back to their offices, and some people showed genuine excitement about that. We even got to sit through a 1-hour long presentation on perfectionism. I can assume I was the youngest of the crowd..at 32 yrs old. Finally, the meeting ended in a 45 minute briefing on none other than the oh so important budget. I started counting how many times the presenter said the word "money" and lost track at about 10....after only 10 minutes. I asked myself what "this" was exactly. Were all of these other people's minds wandering? Did they actually buy into this reality as being pure and true? Did they really care that the new pens had stars on them, and if so, how could they care? The more I ponder my life, the more I feel like an outcast who is slowly losing (or perhaps purposively purging) the skills needed to play the game. So now I'm wondering, if I end up waking up every day seeing through the facade, what will it take for me to feel like I'm actually living instead of just existing?      Despite the fact we all think we know the answer, how can any of us really say we KNOW what is going to happen tomorrow? I know more people that refuse to venture out of their "reality" based purely upon fear of the unknown. Fear of what might happen, fear of vulnerability maybe. Is that any way to live?So let's play the "what if" game. What if I get out to the AT and after hiking the 8.8 mile approach trail to Springer, I decide I absolutely hate it? Has the thought crossed my mind? Yes...it has. Do I choose to let that unknown factor drive my life choices? Hellllllllll Nooooooooo!!!!Honestly..what do I have to lose by attempting this? More importantly, what do I have to gain? (notice how in our culture we always tend to see the negative perspective first?!)Do you know what my worst fear is....bigger than anything I listed at the beginning of my journal? I fear that once I've completed this journey, I will not be able to force myself back into this reality....which I consider my false-reality. I don't fear the unknown, I fear the predictable. I've seen people born/raised/grow old/die in the same little town w/out ever exploring an inch of this beautiful world. My thoughts do not come from a place of judgment towards anyone, because I respect that different people need different things in life. I only wish happiness for each person.   So what does it mean when what you need is something that isn't offered in your culture or society? What if I don't want to commit to "A" career or "A" category that makes everyone else comfortable so that they can describe me? What if I want to do something new and different everyday? What if my priority is getting as much meaning out of every single moment, instead of getting as much $ out of every single minute worked? How does one reconcile those realities?What can be more real than feeling pain in your body, sweat rolling down your face, smelling dirt and the coming rains, hearing thunder rolling in the distance and watching the trees sway back and forth in the wind? How can sticky notes and ink pens compare to this? How do people do it every day? The unknown is my relief¢¦I do not fear it, I embrace it.