Date: 2016-07-12
From: Silver Hilll campsite

To: Ct 44 Salisbury
Miles today: 21.5
Weather: overcast clouds

Day 972016 total miles hiked 1498.5   Today, I'm going to tell a story. It may be rather long winded, but the backstory goes back more than a year or two and many miles hiked in between, not to mention hours/days/weeks/months of self-reflection walking through the woods or laying peacefully in my tent. This is the story of why one thru hiker decided to end his hike more than 2/3 of the way to Katadin.   The seed to hike the AT took hold in 2011-2012 in the midst of working 70-80 hours a week in a correctional setting. I thought it would be a great way to deinstitutionalize myself upon retirement. My retirement arrived 5 years earlier than expected when I was diagnosed with Brain cancer. As soon as I realized that my career was over and my life may be much shorter than I had expected, hiking the AT became a growing obsession and desire. It was one of my main motivations getting through surgery and treatment, and still getting to the gym everyday for a full workout. 2015 was going to be the year! I arrived in Ga. in great shape, but a fall in NC and fractured shoulder blade ended my dream for 2015. I spent the next month depressed as hell. I had invested so much physically, emotionally, and financially and it was over in a stumble. I finally pulled myself out of my funk and quietly planned for 2016.   Despite my failure in 2015, my burning need to hike the trail remained and when my spring MRI revealed my brain cancer was still stable it was a go. After a rough start in Ga. dealing with ungodly blisters, I was back it. My number one priority everyday was DO NOT suffer a hike ending injury!    One night lying in my tent, dreaming about Katadin, I really gave some thought to my obsession. No other hikers seemed as hell bent on getting there as me. Many seemed fine "just getting as far as I can", which I couldn't fathom. The truth finally bubbled up from my unconscious, after close to two years of my growing need to do this hike. I have dealt with the many fears that come from a brain cancer diagnosis, but there was one left. One I hadn't even realized I had. My biggest fear was being forgotten if/when I die. This hike was my way of ensuring that I'm not forgotten. I'm far more afraid of that then death itself. This new insight, didn't change view on the hike. Let's go make sure I'm not forgotten.   The next chapter in this story occurred at the Fontana Hilton just south of the Smokies. A hiker named the Trek AKA The savage rabbi, yes, he is an actual rabbi. It was passover and he invited hikers at the shelter to partake in a Seder ritual, where the story of the Jews exodus from Eygpt is told. What made this Seder unique was that he correlated the story to our hikes. After retelling the story, he asked those present. What is your Egypt? What is holding you back or down that you need to take this journey?For me, my new found fear was my answer. It was powerful to actually speak it. I and others there were remarkably candid for a group that were mostly strangers. What is your promise land or Katadin mean to you? Again, this was easy. It means I won't be forgotten by those I love. The last question was the one that really tripped me up and I didn't have an answer to. The answers that everyone gave on what getting to Katadin meant to them. Could these things be attained without actually getting to Katadin? At the time, that was a moot point because I was getting to Katadin, no questions asked. The other main thing I took from that night and have thought about hundreds of times since, was what the The savage Rabbi shared. Now in his early thirties, he had planned to hike the trail with his dad in his mid to late teens. His dad passed away from cancer before that plan came to fruition and he was finally hiking the trail roughly 15 years later. Time hadn't worn off the impression his father had on his life or the love/bond they shared. Let's just say his words made an impression on me.   It was around this point in the hike that I decided that Katadin was just too far off to focus on, so I changed my focus to what I missed most and that was my family. It turned out to be a great motivator as I blazed north. I soon passed all the people that started when I did. Then I was passing hikers that started in late march, then mid march, then early march and even some who started in Feb. Many hikers questioned the miles I was hiking and I always gave the same answer. "I'm not trying to out hike people, I just want to get home and see my family.". Despite dealing with endless foot issues, my push never stopped. Up at first light and hiking 13-15 hours a day without a 2nd thought. Let me say, I'm not a fast hiker! Young women in their 20's would often cruise by me or pull away from me when in my sights. I would just go all day long, eventually amassing a good amount of miles by the end of the day.    Now, I'll jump to today. My second day back on trail after 12 zero's that included a home visit and the onset of Lyme disease, for which I'm being treated for.    I woke up this morning feeling surprisingly good. Much less sore than I expected! On trail by 5:45am. It was not long before I realized my head wasn't in the game. I really couldn't figure out what the issue was. I argued with myself for hours! I've been this sweaty, had dead legs, sore feet, been harassed by bugs many, many times before. Why am I feeling this way? First hypothesis, I was hiking to get home before, now I'm hiking to get to a large rock(Katadin). Wait, since when in the hell did I consider Katadin just a large rock!?! This continued on for a really long time, until my brain finally just shut down and I went into a thoughtless hiking trance for several hours. I passed through Falls village and the Great Falls and began my ascent of Mt. Prospect. As I reached it's peak and began my descent, it struck me. My push to get home, my time with my family, and now my time spent walking away from home. I realized I had already reached my Katadin. The savage Rabbi's story of his dad flooded into my mind, I don't need a Katadin summit photo hung on some wall in my house in order to be remembered. Just a picture of me with my family, together. My hike is over. I've found what I needed to find on this hike and I consider it a total success. Shortly after this revelation, I hiked into an open field, Rand's view which is stunning. Is the trail trying to lure me back with this view or giving me one final gift? I decided it was one final gift.   I've discussed with other hikers how could anyone possibly end their hike as far as Ct.? No one could ever come up with a justifiable reason. So this is one story on how it can happen.   I would like to give a special thank you to my wife, Kathleen. Without her support I would have never been able to leave home and take this journey. She didn't understand my need to do this hike, but supported it nonetheless. Hopefully, this entry will shed some light on what has driven me so hard for so long. I truly enjoyed my time on the trail. The beauty, wildlife, fellow hikers, trail towns, trail angels, hostels and the many other little things which make it so special. I'm sure some of you will be disappointed that my hike is over, but don't be disappointed for me. I'm feeling very good about my decision. There are plenty of other hikers to live vicariously through! Signing off one final time,Living Proof