Date: 2002-09-22
From: Finally in Massachuetts

To: HOME
Miles today: 15.0

September 22, 2002, Sunday Day 47 and it¢s 6am and I can¢t get out of my tent it¢s still raining. But I am gonna wait till daylight and pack up wet if I have too. Last night I spotted this place here and they had taken a platform and put a tarp over it and thought about pitching my tent underneath it and of course I made the wrong decision again.   Didn¢t do it, but anyway, I am sitting in my tent listening to the rain doing nothing. I thought, well, might as well get my breakfast stuff and go underneath that tarp and fix and eat breakfast. So here I am underneath this tarp eating breakfast. Oatmeal, poptarts, and hot cocoa and wait for the rain to stop. At least it is dry here under the tarp. You know I am gonna walk down that trail and I am going to tell you something. IF I FALL and I can¢t use my right hand very good, that is going to be it.   You know I am not a quitter, but this is absolutely mindless. It¢s walk, walk, walk, look at your feet. Watch where you step, never look up. Look for the roots and watch for the rocks. You know what, and I just fell again. I am going down to Williamstown and I am gonna find a way to get to a bus station and this is it. I have had it. I just can¢t go on this way any longer. Maybe someday I will come back and maybe I won¢t. But when you can¢t negotiate or use your full amount of faculties and your physically not able then you are crazy to be on these mountains and crazy to be walking over these roots and rocks. They say there is a purpose in everything, well there is probably a purpose here. Maybe it is to teach me that there are a lot of other things to be doing in life other than mindlessly walking up and down the trail. Leading to where?   I see these people out here for a week, I see them out here for 2 days, and they have the right idea. That is the way to hike. WHY walk for 2168 miles, FOR WHAT?   I know it¢s a challenge, I can walk on a treadmill and look at pictures and then I won¢t be falling down all the time. I haven¢t seen anything that looks any different here since the White Mountains. You don¢t have to hike there you can drive up there to see them. As you can see I am trying to justify getting out of here and getting back home. But I don¢t have much choice anyway. There is no way I can continue with this. I have changed my mind about how to hike this trail. Should have taken all the advice of all the experts. You are better off to go south to north. That way you have a bunch of people around and camaraderie and someone to share the misery with. Where here the solitude is overwhelming. I am a loner but at least I like to share the misery with someone.   Here I am, there is no one to talk to and say hey I know what you mean, it¢s raining, it¢s miserable. We are in trouble, we can¢t get down the trail it¢s too slippery. I know those north bounders all start out there together they have all that to share in common. Here I am trying to justify getting off the trail. There is something to be said of the sharing.   This young guy picked me up in the rain. Nice guy. He took me in and it was soaking wet and he let me get in his car and put my pack in there. Gave me a fresh donut and we stopped and got a cup of coffee. Took me to the bus station and I had no time to call Mary or even take a shower the bus was leaving in 10 minutes, so I had no time. They were very nice. The ticket was 150 and they only take cash but I only had 100 and she was very nice and gave me 50 on my visa Card. I am at the Williamstown Inn. I have 5 dollars left to buy stuff with it. I have my ticket and I am headed home baby. I am not sorry, I am not sorry at all. The trail isn¢t for everybody and the trail was not for me. I thought it would be but I was mistaken. I just don¢t feel like I was accomplishing anything. I have to feel like I am accomplishing something, I have guilt feelings, I have other feelings and plus my head hurts and it¢s the same thing that happened when I was an ironworker. It¢s constant pain. So all these things combined there is no use continuing. The White Mountains were the best as far as scenery, that was about it. Maine was terrible, northern Vermont I enjoyed the scenery you can see those things in other ways, you don¢t have to hike to see them. I am not saying that hiking is not the greatest way in the world for people. I am just not a hiking person. I can see that right now. I need to be doing things that are constructive. I know I am rambling on but let me just say that this was an experience, something that just had to happen and it will be something I will always remember. I hope I didn¢t disappoint anyone. But there comes a time when there are some things you can¢t do because of physical limitations. Mentally or whatever. I met a lot great people and had some good experiences but this is enough. Maybe someday I will come back and do a week, maybe not. I don¢t know. I have other things to do. My schedule is going to New York to change, then to Cleveland and the Chicago and then Ames. I have to get to a phone and call Mary. WARN her; will be in Ames tomorrow.