Date: 2005-02-09
To: An Apology!
Miles today: 0.0

It has been called to my attention by a certain person with whom I must live here at the Longhaul household, that a recent journal entry of mine defamed a certain other member of said household. I have been called to account and an apology has been demanded.To be more specific, it was Post #21, the penultimate paragraph, in which I was describing the relative safety of sleeping at home in comparison with what may await me out in the woods at night. I noted that, at my house, there was QUOTE nothing more dangerous lurking in the dark than Katie the overweight cat UNQUOTE.        I have been informed, in no uncertain terms, that said cat, recently acquired by my teenage daughter from the local pound, and known previously as ¢Precious¢ is NOT an OVERWEIGHT CAT! And how could I be so cruel as to even suggest such a thing. And do I not realize that cats have feelings, too, for gosh sakes. And how would I like it if others started referring to ME as QUOTE the overweight DAD UNQUOTE. HUH??¢Hmmmmmmmmm¢, said I. ¢I guess I see your point.¢Had I NOT seen her point, I want to assure you assembled eyes, one does not want, even in the best of times, to argue with one¢s teenaged daughter. One is simply not likely to win. And in the worst of times¢¦..well, let¢s don¢t even go there, shall we.Now at this point, of course, I was tempted to resort to the famous response of a certain congressman who, under not-dissimilar circumstances, was obliged to apologize for having referred publicly to another member of that august body as a ¢Stupid #%&*!.¢ The next day, therefore, on the floor of the chambers, he issued the following ¢apology¢: ¢My distinguished colleague, the honorable Mr. So and So, claims that I said that he was a ¢Stupid #%&*!¢. That is correct, and I am sorry for it.¢Discretion prevailed, however, as I knew without a doubt that she would see through the ruse in an instant, and I would then have two full strikes against me. So I tried another tack.¢Perhaps,¢ said I, ¢you could help me out here. How exactly would YOU describe Ms. Katie? In fairness to her, I do so want to capture her essence correctly.¢ Bear in mind that this is a cat who has, quite obviously, never, ever experienced the slightest degree of hardship, or been deprived of anything that her {plump} (NO ¢ Strike that ¢ I¢m in enough trouble already!) sweet (OK, better) little heart desires. This is the cat who, from three floors away, can detect the sound of whipped cream being dispensed onto a bowl of peaches and show up in the kitchen before the application is complete, demanding that she have HER share of the can. NOW!   Mind you, you could spray cooking oil, or floor wax, or any number of other substances, and she would remain comatose, but all you really have to do is shake the can of whipped cream and she is immediately on the alert.   This is the same cat that, equally obviously, has never suffered, in any way, shape, or form from abuse. If you saw how she sleeps, you would know that in an instant: On her back, her legs splayed in four different directions, her head tilted back, her tongue dangling to one side or the other, quite oblivious to anything going on around her. I mean, you could vacuum under, over, and around her, and she will not move. The kids could be chasing each other through the house, leaping over her prostrate body, and she will not move ¢ so confident is she that no one, under any circumstances, would want to harm her. My hunch is that the only reason she ended up at the pound is that some very old lady, who spoiled her rotten, died recently, ¢leaving no immediate survivors¢ as they say, with the exception of one ¢Precious¢, the cat.I reassured my daughter that I had no intention of defaming her poor, precious cat, and promised that, to make up for it, I would even include a photo of Katie in an upcoming journal entry ¢ just as soon as I can learn how to download and upload photos from my new digital camera. This, of course, was slightly diabolical of me, since we all know that cameras do not lie. A photo of Katie would clearly reveal any subterfuge in connection with her ¢¦ ahem, figure. ¢Well¢, says my daughter, ¢if you must refer to her at all, you could say that she is¢¦she is¢¦.FLUFFY. It is, after all, her thick fur that makes her look so, so¢¦ fluffy.¢¢Done¢, says I. ¢Katie, the fluffy cat, it is!¢ I shall so inform my readers. Right after I apologize to the dear, sweet feline. Now where did she go off to?¢Here¢, says my daughter, getting a can of Redi-whip from the fridge. ¢I¢ll get her.¢Stay tuned,