Date: 2003-07-25
From: Hightop Hut

To: Lewis Mtn. Campground
Miles today: 12.1
Weather: scattered clouds

start Hightop Hutdestination Lewis Mtn.CampgroundI have never felt the need to title any of my journal entries until this one.This title came to me after a long and painful time of self examination today. The day started off like most other days. This morning the sounds of several different birds woke me up. It was wonderful just to lay there and listen to them. I was packed up and just signing the trail register when one of the adult men with the scout group started in on his son for not filtering their water. He just kept going on and on at him. The other adults started glancing around uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed. Then this guy starts barking for people to bring him this or that so he could pack it. Anyway, he goes back to his son and starts in again this time ridiculing him. I finally speak up and say I doubt that anyone is going to get sick from the water source here. I am not sure whether I reacted to the critical parent or the critizied child, but that man pushed some buttons of mine. As Mudbutt and I were leaving I was filling her in on all that had happened and what the man had said. I got pretty childish in my comments about him and ended up hurting Mudbutt's feelings. I knew as soon as I said it, that it was offensive. She stopped and told me to go on ahead that she didn't want to hear any more. I hiked on ahead and came to a rock ledge offering a wonderful view of the valley below. I started crying as it occured to me just how ugly I had been and hurtful I was. I would never deliberatly hurt anyone whether in actions or words. Mudbutt came up behind me and I turned and apologized to her and asked her to forgive me. She graciously did. She left me and I stood there trying to figure out just what had set me off. I cried and cried, then asked for some comfort from my Lord. I stood, transfixed by the beauty of the mountains until I felt that wonderful loving hand of God reach down and touch me. I sang a favorite song, sort of a praise to him, I Stand Amazed in the presence, of Jesus the Nazarean, and wonder how He could love me, a sinner condemned unclean. I thought that was the end of it. I had only taken a few steps down the trail, when the thought hit me. I was the child being critized. Then an incident came to my mind that I had not thought of in years and years. The force of it nearly knocked my breath away. I was six maybe seven years old. I had gotten a bottle of shoe polish out and was polishing my shoes. I knocked the bottle over and it spilled all over the stone hearth where I was sitting. I ran to get a towel to wipe it up which only smeared it worse. Forty some odd years later, like it was yesterday I could still hear my Mom yelling at me for being so clumsy and careless. And of course I had ruined the hearth. Then it was my brother's turn. "Boy you sure are stupid,look at what you have done. You are so dumb." I heard the same thing all over again when my Father came home. Words like clumsy, stupid, careless, dumb. It was just an accident but no one would listen to me. It was not like I spilled it on purpose. I was just a child. I may have been clumsy, and sure I should have put some paper down or something, but again I was just a child. The hearth was in the living room object of the fireplace, central figure, selling point. Your eyes were drawn to the fireplace, for as long as we lived there, to the big black ugly stain. A daily reminder to me of how stupid, clumsy and dumb I was. It was an accident and what I needed was comforting, not condemnation. If a child cuts his finger with a knife, he needs comfort first, then a lecture if nessessary. That day I took in to myself the names that I was called as truth. Not because they were true, but because the people who said them had to be telling the truth. Didn't they?? I spent the rest of my life trying to prove them wrong. I could fill a book with things I did trying to prove them wrong. The sad part is that I ended up making decisions that only reinforced what they said about me. It seemed to be a vicious cycle. Still today I am trying to prove them wrong. But it does not matter to them, because they are all dead. I do not think that any of them went to their grave thinking I was dumb, or clumsy or stupid. It was just their choices of words that carried such an awful weight. A cruel curse. Now I can more fully understand what the Bible means when it says you can speak blessings or curses on people. Those words to me as a little child, a defensless one, became powerful enough to dominate my whole life. When I "owned" them they became the driving force, the force that shaped my life. The problem was and still is that those words were lies, all of them, over all these years. I beleived a bunch of lies. This revelation sends my head and my heart colliding. Huge sobs rake my body as I realize that this is apart of me that I need to let go. I am not who or what they said. There are no words to describe the feelings that I went through. It was like wave after wave of shame and guilt were being swept away. I was scared to let go, this was me for so many years. If I am not this, then who am I? It was a revelation that astounded me. I have known in my head that these things were not true about me, but today, my heart realized that. The two collided with an awesome force. A freeing force, a releiving force. Then a peace, so sweet, a feeling of emptiness, yet clean. A feeling of fullness, of wholeness. These words are so shallow compared to what I felt. I can't do it justice. My tears continued for a long time. I hiked slowly, trying to take it all in. When I caught up with Mudbutt sometime later, I was still crying. I told her that this was really deep. More than gut level. Isn't it just like God to give you what you need, when you need it? Not when you want it or expect it nessessarily. By divine intervention, we came to a trail that led up to an old cemetary. We hiked up to it to check it out. It was so pretty and peaceful, we decided to eat lunch there. It was then that God, again, revealed to me this gem. These people here are dead. They have no power from the grave except what you give them. The words that were so hurtful can be let go of, the wounds can be cleansed to heal finally. The scars will always be there. But the pain can go away now. Look around you, the stones tell the story. These things are set in stone. Names and dates. They don't define who they are or were. Their lives defined that while they were alive. I let go, once again of things that I am not. That was my reason for this hike. Not to find myself. But to let go of who I am not. To learn to be me.The rest of the day I could not tell you what the trail looked like, or whether it was steep or level. I felt raw inside and very very vulnerable. But I also felt very, very clean and peaceful.I know without a doubt that I have done the same thing to my kids when they were growing up. Used shame and cruel words attacking them instead of their behavior. I know there were times they needed comforting and did not get it. My heart grieves over that. I hope that somehow I can make amends to them. I do not want them to carry a life long stain caused by my actions.I got to the campground and managed to snag the last campsite that was open. Before the night was over, there were two other hikers camping with us. Our friend Doppler caught up with us. We had met him back at Rusty's. He is one of our favorite hikers. His quiet manners and sweet smile makes it a joy to be around him. We meet a new hiker, going south for a section that we named Spiller. I had snagged the last campsite from under his nose. I invited him to join us for the night. He pitched his tent and even let us use his stove to cook our supper. He gave me a couple of hotdogs which I promptly fried in some olive oil and stuck it in a fresh bun. Again a treat provided by Spiller.We had a great time sitting at the picnic table, laughing and cutting up. It has been years since I laughed that hard. Mudbutt kept us in stitches with her antidotes. It was a wonderful way to end the day. I am reminded that Proverbs 17:22 says A merry heart doeth good like a medicine. That was exactly what I needed to help heal my wounded self. Laughter, and lots of it.total miles 12.1