Date: 2003-04-23
From: Spring Break Cabins - Hot Springs

To: Charleston, SC 
Miles today: 5.0

Well, I've been crying the better part of this afternoon and the tears just keep coming. The chocolate has helped to mellow me some, nonetheless, I'm sitting by the river here in Hot Springs lost in a mist of outpouring emotions. I was all ready to hit the trail this morning. I packed up, laced up my boots, put on my knee brace and I was ready to roll. Sprout, Hopeful and I got on the trail around 10:30, hiked along the river for a while, then made the ascent to Lover's Leap. I was feeling pretty good. We stopped for lunch a great spot further up the way. My calf muscles had been tight during the climb. Thinking I was dehydrated, I drank a lot of water on the way up. After lunch I told Hopeful and Sprout to go on; I planned to stretch and pee. I did both, but as I came out from behind the bushes and trees there was a HUGE party of dayhikers surrounding the lunch area. They were all really nice. It's not even like I got caught with my pants down, but there was something awkward about coming back to this big group of people. I felt a little invaded. I guess it would kind of be like coming out of your bathroom at home to a livingroom full of guests - strangers. It was just kind of odd. I grabbed my stuff and left out of there pretty quickly. I hiked on and my right knee started acting up. I stopped to take some ibuprofen. Then I trucked on. About one mile later it felt like my knee was still kinked. Now the pain was more constant. Instead of having it lock up on me once in a blue moon, it was locking up on me every several hundred yards. I couldn't decide if taking the next step and extending my leg would mean I'd wince in pain or not. It seems like before, like the descent in to Wesser, NC, the pain was dull on the side. Then it started swelling more frequently. Then I'd have shooting pain on the downhills. This is about the time I got the brace and the walking advice from the Happy Hiker guy. I kept on going and was actually feeling better and stronger. But coming off Bluff Mountain towards Hot Springs, I had some really bad spells - immense pain that made me want to cry. I wasn't going to worry about it though, because I was coming to town for a zero. Almost two full days in Hot Springs and the decision was to get back on the trail. We left today and before we finished the fourth mile, I had stopped at least twice in real pain. Finally I told myself - when I get to the next campsite I can put my knee up and elevate it to reduce the swelling. I did it, but it didn't help. By this time, I'm in tears with all kinds of thoughts in my head:- will i have to take a 15 minute elevation break to rest each hour?- how can my mind and emotions be ready for this trip and my body is giving me these problems?- Damned Knee- Can I continue hiking to get to Erwin?- If other people are experiencing similar pain, how are they able to keep going?- You might need to take some time off.- Why me?-Is this my mind playing tricks on me?And so many more thoughts raced through my mind. Around the time I had laid out my stuff to elevate my leg, Hopeful arrives. He sits with me for a while. By now I'm in full blown tear mode. Marie comes up - she had stayed with us at Elmer's - it didn't seem like she could make heads or tails of my situation, so she hiked on. After my 15 minutes were up - I got up and hobbled down the gravel road to US 25/70 with my knee locking up at irregular intervals. It was obvious to both Hopeful and I that a decision needed to be made. Could I make it to the next shelter? Could I make it to Sam's Gap in order to hitch to Erwin? Should I stop at the next road and hitch back to Hot Springs? Both of us agreed, though, that I probably needed at least three days off of it. When we got to the highway, I had to make a decision. I decided to listen to my body and my soul cried out in misunderstanding. It didn't make sense to my heart, but I used my brain to stamp out the rising tide of questions. I was resigned to hitching back to Hot Springs. Hopeful helped me hitch back. When we said goodbye, I let it all loose again. I cried like I little baby. He's been so good to me - like my daddy on the trail - and I know that the chances of me ever catching up to him are very slim. I'll likely see him at Trail Days but this was jsut a painful way to say see you later. He sent me off with a reminder, though, that "it's not the destination, it's the journey." I guess sometimes that's a hard pill to swallow. When I got dropped off at the campground, I called Momma crying. It freaked her out, so I had to gain some composure to calm her down. Then I was able to let it go again. She said "you knew this was a possibility going in to it. People get injured." Yeah, I knew that. But I never thought it would be me. I'm still having trouble with that. Momma is coming to pick me up here in Hot Springs. I'm going to Charleston for at least the weekend. More than likely I'll be back Monday or Tuesday of next week. I hope I'm making the right decision to head to SC. Part of me feels like maybe I should have just sucked it up and stayed here in Hot Springs, around my trail family, while I heal. But so many of the folks I've come to know on the trail have moved on without me.