Date: 2015-02-18
From: Springer Mountain

To: Springer Mountain
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: light snow

Its been 10 weeks today since my long time companion, hiking buddy, and best friend passed away unexpectedly. One of the most unique and wonderful people I have been blessed to know, and I loved him. My life is irrevocably changed, and I am in the process of learning how one comes to terms.He had hiked sections of the AT, and it had always been his dream to complete it one day. We would do it together, and if we didn't kill each other, we'd get married in Maine; if we could make it through that, he passed my test! The irony...as he was EVER more prepared than I, in every way imaginable. He was a man who took things as they came, had a fetish for rain and weather, and a peculiar confidence and ingenuity that seemed to shine brightest when he was in the woods. He was happiest up on a bald, and at his true best. What he would have endured are my gripes and tears, most likely. I am tough in spots but, frankly, being cold and sleeping through coyotes/other bumps in the night isn't notoriously one of them. And i have crummy knees. Years passed, life's trials wove wormholes through many of our dreams and hopes, but the AT lingered as this perpetual "plan". It guess it seemed doable, in a cache of lofty and increasingly impossible goals. The thought that we could at some point just walk away, into the woods together symbolized the potential that every day brings for change. Weeks before, I'm sure I had every intention of discussing it occasionally, enjoying the idea that I was "preparing" as I hiked in a local park, and letting it go in the comfortable knowledge that it "wasn't my year" to forgo other responsibilities to spend 5-6 months on a hike. But there would always be another time, when the schedule clears, when the money's right, when Josh was't struggling with addiction anymore. One day will be the first of better days, of the rest of our lives, I thought...dealing with the loss of that day, every day since. Can't say I've abandoned hope or this thinking completely, but I do feel a rock in my heart for not reading the fine print. So...my "year" finally flew in with a bitch-slap to boot for presuming it could be any other way. Little, maybe nothing, is as we expect it will be. Before the shock had worn off, if it even has, I was 90% sure this was all I wanted to do. I spent Christmas day reading Appalachian Trials (awesome gift) and my living space has been accumulating bags of bandaids, freeze dried food, packs of toilet paper since before New Years. Despite no real change in obstacles past, I'm just over it...maybe even resent it all a bit. So, thats where I am coming from.   Been cycling through numbness and feeling overwhelmed, but feel centered when I realize that i am just going to give this gift to myself, whatever may come of it.I had planned to start on Josh's birthday (the 13th), but inclement weather (NC) and some gear/preparedness issues had me put it off. Now, it is just a matter of the roads thawing out, and finding a ride.The current plan is to hike from Springer to the north end of the Smokies, so i can get a good idea of my physical abilities, my gear needs, and my mental preparedness...then return home for a quick break, restock, and to make any adjustments. My hope is that I will return to the trail and hike as far as my legs will take me, as far as i need to go to feel clear. My expectations are non-existent at this point. I think I will stay alive, and thats just got to be good enough for right now!I found a 0 bag on craigslist a few days ago...and my tarp-tent tent came in the mail. So there were a few added bonuses that came with my late departure. I will also take the time soon to list what I am leaving with.