Date: 2003-12-14
To: Why?
Miles today: 0.0

The three most common questions asked about my Appalachian Trail trip.1) ¢When do you leave¢ - Plan to leave March first... hmmm. That¢s only 56 days 2) ¢How long will you be gone" - From what I¢ve read it takes about 6 months to hike the continuos 2,100 mile hiking trail.3) "are you hiking with anyone" - Well kinda. Many people will be leaving the same week, even the same day as myself. So in a way no, I will not be hiking alone. Part of this whole experience is to meet new people, and that¢s what I plan to do. The idea is that you will find someone or a group of people that hike the same pace, and in time will become a support group for each other in hard times. But its important not to become too attached to other people because if they were to drop out it would be difficult to continue on. Why?Well that¢s a complicated question. I am planning to hike the Appalachian Trail (AT) for many reasons.... I¢ve always been into the outdoors and have enjoyed backpacking. It started with Cub Scouts, then that progressed into Boy Scout. My dad was a leader from the start and was always near at summer camp and other campouts. In Boy Scouts we went to Philmont. Philmont is the Mecca of all backpacking trips a Boy Scout could take. That¢s where it started. A fire was set inside me. I knew what it was like to survive for a week in misery caused by rain, hunger, and bugs. It was an experience, but that was all it was. After being home for a month after the trip. The fire went out and only embers remained. Since I was about ready to start college, my parents decided it was time to take a large family vacation out West. This would be our last time as a family to take such a vacation due to conflicting work and school schedules. While we were on this trip my dad and I took a weekend backpacking trip in Colorado. What an experience that was. To get out and go hiking was a great change of pace, and brought back the Philmont days. A year ago the decision was made to hike the AT in full. The decision was a bit out of the blue, but overall felt like a good decision. I had an entire year to save up and prepare. Parents gave no objection and agreed that it would be good for me to get out of the house. I have great parents, we go to church as a family every Sunday, I have a decent education, and money has never been an issue growing up. Over all my life has been very sheltered. I have not had any real hardships in my entire life. Other than being picked on as far back as I can remember. This past year something has been missing. This past year has left me feeling hollow, and empty inside. I spend hours in front of my computer or sleeping in till late afternoon when I should be outside, or hanging with friends, but I don't. It feels like I have been living a lie. Every day I wear this happy face and try to make the best of every situation. Its not that I¢m unhappy and hate the world, cause that¢s not the case, its just a numb feeling. Why worry about stuff you can't change right? I go to church every Sunday but zone out as soon I sit down. I could not tell you what was said inside church if you held a gun to my head. Don¢t worry I¢m not suicidal, just a bit confused. I¢m not trying to block it out, or be a rebel simply put, something has been missing. Lately I¢ve been really upset with my parents. They treat me like a 12-year-old kid that can't make decisions for himself. My answer is always the wrong answer even if I am right. Or they sit there and tell me the same thing over and over even after I tell them I know exactly what they are saying. They think I don¢t get it, but they are just not giving me a chance to think on my own. On the flip side they let me do my own thing. They let me go where I want when I want. Many of my friends are not so lucky, and have strict curfews and driving restrictions. To let their kid drive 3 hours at 2am, and hike all alone in the dark would never be allowed.   (Read more about this trip to East Fort National Forest in my previous journal writing)This has gone on for a while and it seems I¢m just waiting for people to tell me what to do. Can¢t make up my own decisions, and if I do I never feel that it¢s the right decision because it¢s my decision. It¢s frustrating to say the least. As a child the doctors diagnosed me with ADD as a learning disability, and was put on medication for a year only to find it only made things worse. As a result school has never been an easy task. Also lack of time management, and organization skills have made even the simple task of homework or cleaning my room an impossible task. Short-term memory is lacking too which really ticks my parents off, but I think they understand. This past year has been extremely difficult. Fact of the matter I need to get out of this house. I don't know who I am. I¢m always agreeing with people, I don't have any opinions of my own. I only agree because I think it is what I should say, not because I really think it. This trip is a chance for me to make my own decisions. Hike my own hike. Decide where to sleep and eat. I try to sound smart be repeating things other people have said. They are not my ideas. It sucks to not know your place. I¢m sure you have been there or could be there right now. This is my chance to really think for myself. My chance to get away from distractions, and really live life to its full value. This is my challenge, and goal. To make it all the way to Maine is not necessarily important. To survive on the bare essentials, and live with a clear mind and clear spirit is what I want. This is a chance to meet new people, make new friends, and break old habits. That is why.