Date: 2010-12-17
To: Springer
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: broken clouds

I wanted to quit. As I just wrote that, my eyes watered. It hurts to think about it, and I didn't really want to admit it. It's the truth, there were times.....I wanted to quit. I just never did.I remember the first time. It was coming out of the 100 mile wilderness. I was exhausted, dehydrated, malnourished and I was suffering from blisters and other hiker ailments. I felt it was a 50/50 as to whether or not I would go on past that point in Monson. But than I did. There were other times....a day in Maine when I was sick out of my mind debating to hitch out of the woods on a road. I was so afraid if I hitched out I may not come back. I sit now and think of all the things I would have missed had I not pushed on. I cannot imagine my life without having these last two thousand miles on my feet. I get upset just thinking about it.Its just about over. I finish tomorrow and drive home. These last days have been spent thinking quite a bit about my AT experience. Thinking about the friendships made, the adventures, the laughs and the hardships. The rainy days, the hot nights, the snow, the bugs, the animals, the smells, the lakes, the rivers, the river crossings and......the mountains....oh the mountians. I've been thinking about all of it....over and over and over again. Trying to hold on as long as I can, as if this will all go away the minute I step off the trail.I wanted to quit....I just never did. Reading your messages, and talking to people down here has made me think about the fact that I have indeed, hiked the whole Appalacian trail. In all honesty, it hadnt really occured to me until very recently. When I was headed out of Baxter in Maine I remember meeting a Northbounder who gave me advice. "Take it one day at a time, don't quit, and give Springer mountain my regards". I was taking it one day a time, and it wasn't Springer day yet....but now it is....now it ends. Now, I get to give Springer his regards. That Northbounders advice, and his request, might have kept me going. Like the single package that Tom Hanks vows to deliver in the movie "Cast Away", that message I vowed to deliver to Springer.There were other things that kept me going. But almost all of them can be consolidated into what I want to write about.....the one thing, more than any other. I didn't know what it was, I just couldnt put my finger on it. But now I know. It's time that i told you all about "the voice".It was a collective voice. A collective voice that became my own. I've heard it before, but never recognized it until I heard it on the trail. It's a collective voice of people, situations and life lessons. That voice echoes in your ear when you need it to. It's always been there, you just have to have the courage to listen to it. The voice has a limited vocabulary, but what it says is always exactly what you need to hear.  Over the past several months, it's said the same thing over and over. It is simple command, but gut wrenchingly hard to comply with. It simply said....."don't you quit John"I heard it first at a young age. It started with the "little engine that could".......I think I can I think I can. Seeds are planted even that early. Than in little league your coaches begin to mold that voice. When you 6 years old you learn that when you hit the ball, you run as hard and fast as you can right through first base.......don't you quit John.My Pop Pop used to always say "John, there are going to be times in your life when you fall flat on your face. When that happens, you pick yourself up and you keep going". Of course at a young age I thought he meant falling off my bike. But then i actually fell on my face just the way he meant, and the lesson became evident. It was Pop Pops voice......don't you quit John.I heard that voice in the Army. It was my Drill Sergeants, than my platoon sgts, friends and comrades. It was the voice of Americans I swore to protect. It was the voice of any and every soldier who may have one day needed me to be a soldier who would never quit on them even in the worst of conditions..........don't you quit John.I heard it in College. It spoke to me on those late nights studying in the basement of the library. It was the voice of people, who at that time were at home and healthy. But one day they would need me to be that guy in the library until it closes every night. Some day they would be laying in a hospital bed in front of me clinging to life. On that day they would need me to be that nurse that scratched and clawed, even if only for a B. They would one day need me to be the nurse that would never quit on them........don't you quit John.It was my girlfriend Aubrey. She knew she held the ejection handle on this hike all along. That my relationship with her was so much more important than a trail. But she told me to walk to Georgia, and than I could come home to her. She needs me to be a guy who won't quit. It was her voice.....don't you quit.It was my friends, my family, my God. It was unborn children that will need a father that would never quit. It was all of you. Even if I could have quit on myself, I would never have quit on you.......don't you quit John.It speaks the loudest when times are toughest. When fatigue and hunger consume you, when the mountains never end, and when the water is scarce. "just a little farther, you can do this.....don't you quit John". In the moments of the most desperation, when you just can't go one more step, when the towel is in your hand ready to be thrown........Nooooooooooo.........don't you quit John.Than it faded. It's never gone entirely, it's always there if I need it. But the voice knew, it knew it brought me the distance. This morning, as I headed out for my last day, the voice was gone. The collective voice took a collective sigh. It sat back, grinned and bragged among the other voices. Watch this......that's my third baseman........that's my grandson......that's my son.......that's my brother..........that's my soldier........that's my Lieutanant.......that's my Nurse.......that's my boyfriend.........that's our Churchill. As I began my walk to Springer, the voice was already there.