Date: 2008-04-07
To: Katahdin
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: clear sky

   It seems like every time I pass a significant mile-marker I always express the same astounded sentiment, "WOW, 700 Miles?! I can't believe I did this, where did those miles go?!" The disbelief I have voiced corresponds with the sense of amazement that I, a person filled with self-doubt and inner turmoil, could have found the inner fortitude to surpass every goal I set for myself. In a past journal I talked about how in the beginning of this trip I couldn't go home because I didn't want other people to judge me but that through my time out here I had decided to stay past my original goal of one month for myself and forget what the nay-sayers may think. I decided to disregard messages of expected failure and negative attitudes but I can honestly say that even the best intentions fail. After 700 miles and three consecutive months (as of tomorrow) I think back on the people who didn't believe in me and I feel a certain sense of triumph that I could send them home with their tails between their legs in shame. At the start I can see how they didn't believe in me because to a point I didn't believe in myself, now I say it's my way or the highway; you can either support me or not, but either way, whether I summit Katahdin or not, I am still a winner.   Since I wrote the journal talking about my confusion and fears concerning the commitment I needed to make as far as Katahdin goes I haven't been able to get it off my mind. I want to get there by intelligent design rather than circumstance and so I need to make the commitment early enough that in the end I know it was intentional. My fears of commitment were called into question and I said that there was a lot of esteem factors that would ride on the goal. If I don't make it, I don't want to go home feeling like a failure in my own heart and I don't want to create premanent road blocks that would only make it harded for me to achieve what I want in the future. The fear of failure is reasonable but only so far as it isn't debilitating. All week I have been asking myself, "If I don't make a new goal, is these fears of failure and commitment holding me back or boosting me up?"       I have weighed all that I have gained out here against all that I have lost and I would say that the gains completely outweigh the losses in all respects. It scared me to come out here and in a respect I am still terrified but this past week I realized that what scares me most isn't failure, it's success. I wrote about how in order to know your strength you must jump outside of your comfort zone to stretch your boundaries. Well, I also said that I would not allow myself to stand in the way of my own success.    I am not afraid of failing before Katahdin; rather, I am afraid of what it would mean if I succeeded. There would be higher expectation for myself, I would always know my own strength and so would never allow myself to skate along on the easy road out of laziness. I would never have a chance to express doubt in what I could achieve and in the end I would be forced to actually achieve things that were hard to grasp. Self-doubt would have no place in my life and neither would fear. So far, this trip has done nothing but build me up and so if I can't make a commitment to something that does me good because I am afraid of what I will achieve, what can I commit to?    All of this has been running through my mind like a hamster on a wheel that can't get off this week. There is a lot riding on this journey and there was a lot of thought put into this decision. Due to the fact that there are many people who are commited to reading my journal and that there has been so much support from strangers regarding my trip, I thought it would be appropriate to announce my intention in this forum first and foremost.   I, Crash Into Things, am planning to ride this journey out until Katahdin. Come what may, I believe that there is much more I can gain from overcoming my fear of commitment and success out here, than there would be in allowing my fears to debilitate me so throughly that I made it the whole way by accident. I have decided that in my life I will no longer accept an easy road that doesn't pull me out of my comfort zone to test my strengths and challenge my weaknesses. After a lot of thought, I am locking myself in on this choice by telling the world. There will be self-doubt, fear, challenges and frustrations that I am sure I will be working through as I walk, but in the end I hope that the joy, achievements, camraderie and personal gains will continue to outweigh the losses.   Don't get me wrong, this trip isn't about me expecting a pot of gold on top of katadin. I know the healing and adventure must take place before I get to the end of the road because expecting a miracle is too much to ask. My miracle on this trip, if I get to have one, will not be given to me, but I will earn it because I worked hard and tested myself thoroughly. My miracle, just like my journey to Katahdin, will be discovered through hard work and intelligent design rather than circumstance. I am positive that with so much at stake there will be many people who will nay-say my efforts and put them down, but just like I did with my last goal, I am determined to put those negative energies to rest by meeting this aim. So come one, and come all, this circus of achievement and failure has just begun. This one act show is on the road with an indefinite end date and you are welcome to join me for the ride. The final act of Katahdin doesn't matter, it's the exploration between here and there that you will want to lay witness to.