Date: 2015-06-16
To: My crazy head.
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: scattered clouds

I always think a lot on the trail. Lately I haven't been willing to break with my bubble... I like hiking with Chris and meeting up with the Aussie Legs, Coco and Magnus. I enjoy sitting around the table at night and talking with everyone.I am starting to yearn for a bit more alone time, though. I get some... like during long lunch breaks like the one at Darlington Shelter (Chris took a nap), or when I retire to my tent early, bidding the shelter crowd good night as I depart from the table. As I've said, hiking with Chris is nice because we give each other space. But still, lately I don't think I have been getting as much as I need.I am really looking forward to getting closer to home. In New Jersey (if not before), I will part ways with Chris, and be able to hike during the day and go home at night, at least for a few days. I can have my alone time during the day, and enjoy family time at night.Lately on the trail, I have been thinking about the past more than the future. But then the past makes me think about the future, too.Visiting with Candace made me really miss her. For some reason, it also made me miss Korea. Maybe because I keep thinking about her and Taiki living in Japan, and how hard it is for her to be from home, which makes me think about how much I missed home when I lived abroad.Of course, thinking about Korea makes me miss it. I did love living there, and as time goes by my memories get fonder in retrospect. I was happy there. I loved living alone, free to do what I wanted during the week, and able to visit Jim every weekend. It was almost perfect, except that I missed my family. At least in Korea, Candace and I were in the same time zone and kept in contact all the time.Of course, thinking about Korea also makes me think about Jim. I still miss him. I don't think about him as often, but when I do, my heart still aches. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. I really did. How long does it take to really get over someone? Will I ever know?! Will it EVER happen?!The walking has been a little sad lately because of these thoughts. They have been lessons learned to turn towards the future with, though. I would do better to live close to home, even though I love the adventure of living in a different country. I loved learning the language and the culture in Korea. But weighing that with the homesickness? Family comes first in this hiker's heart (of course I came home from Korea and then abandoned them again to hike the AT... sorry, guys).And then there is the future. I still have no idea. Maybe I will apply for an ATC job. I would still love to find something in environmental stewardship or conservation. I would love to be outside. I don't know if I can survive a desk job. I have to be busy, have to be moving. That's one of the many reasons I love the trail.Even if I still have no idea what I want to do, I am at least learning some things that I DON'T want to do. There's always that. Process of elimination!I would love to live in New England. Living in my hometown would be so expensive, though. It would be incredibly difficult to find a job nearby that would allow me to afford it.So who knows where I will end up. Maybe, somewhere in the next 970 miles left to Katahdin, the answer will come to me. Maybe the trail already has my future planned, and is just waiting for the right time to let me in on it. Maybe, a week before summiting that final mountain, I will meet a hiker who will tell me his (or her) profession, and it will strike me: THAT is what I want to do. It could happen, you never know.For now, I am just trying to enjoy the trail. As I walk, I think. Sometimes I think too much. Sometimes I stress out too much, the open book of my future making me panic a little.But even as I walk and panic, I breathe in that Appalachian air. I listen to the breeze rustle the leaves. I tell myself, "Stop worrying and enjoy the journey. You'll figure it out eventually, somehow."