Date: 2019-03-16
From: Hemlock Hollow Hostel

To: Home
Miles today: 3.5

Last night the wind was howling. I kept hearing branches falling. I just prayed that one wouldn't fall on my tent. I got up just before dawn and grabbed Fireman's and my food bag from the bear line. It was about 30° and very windy. I hustled back into my tent and got back in my bag to warm up. Had a poptart and slowly made progress of getting my day started. I left camp about 9:00, planning on a 14 mile day.But then it started again, for about the past two weeks I am going over and over in my head if I really want to continue my thru hike. Physically I am ok for the most part. My left leg gets a tingling numbness all the time now. And my right leg has on and off affects of my old sciatica issues. That so far I have been getting by with. But mentally I'm not to good. I guess when you are out here all alone for hours on end and being like that for days and even weeks. It can get the best of you. So this morning heading out I was in a funk. I want to continue but I also want to pull the plug. I hiked this morning 3.5 miles to a gravel road that had a hostel on it at the end. I made a left onto the road and headed to the hostel. I have come to terms with myself. If I didn't get off there I would only drag on the inevitable. I have been thinking of doing this for some time now. I would take a mental break for a day or two only to fall back into the same state.This thru hike is the hardest thing I have ever tried to do. They say it is 10% physical and 90% mental. And let me tell you they are totally right. In the beginning it was all new to me. Sure I have hiked before. Some day hikes, some three to four day trips. But to be out doing it day after day it wears on you. I got through all that never ending rain. I got through the freezing cold Smoky's. I got by all the exhaustion and aches. But the one thing I couldn't get by was the mental toughness. Of what the trail does to you mentally. When I saw a big climb I would be crap can I even get up there. And I did. Many, many times. But those many times got to be harder and harder. I all along had trouble with the big climbs, maybe not so much early in the day but after a few hours I would be sucking wind. I would stop in mid climb for about 30 seconds to rest and get some air in my lungs. This got frustrating that it kept going on, and the more it happened the more the mind was working against me. I got to the point in my head that this wasn't going to get any better. I am mentally spent.In the 36 days that I have been out here, 32 of them hiking, I have done 291.2 miles plus the 8.8 mile approach trail for a total exactly and ironically an even 300 miles. I am quite proud of that. On the otherside I am disappointed that I am not continuing on. They say that only about 20 to 25 percent of the three to four thousand that start make it. Damn I wanted to be in that 25% column. All I know is that when I look in the mirror I can see someone who gave it his all. And YES I AM VERY PROUD OF THAT. I hope everybody understands what I'm going through. I know people will be disappointed in not being able to read my daily journal. I hear it has been a morning ritual whether it being on a bus commute, or sitting at the counter with their morning coffee. I'm sorry.There are so many people I would like to thank but to many to name. But mostly importantly I want to thank my wife Maureen for her unending love and support in letting me go to try fulfill my dream. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! To my daughters Beki and Bri, thanks for believing in me and encouraging me along. I LOVE YOU GUYS!I'm sorry I let you guys down.And to my family and friends for all the beautiful comments and support.For all the wonderful people who have followed me on this most amazing journey on my trail journal and facebook. From the bottom of my heart I thank you all.To all the most amazing people that I have met along the way. To all of my fellow thru hiker family you guys are awesome and I will cherrish the memories. I wish you all the best. And can't wait to see you on that sign in Katahdin. I will be following.I am writing this entry on Saturday night sitting in my cabin. My flight is 7:00am Sunday morning.I will post this when I get home.Thanks for allowing me to share this most amazing journey with you all.The trail will be there maybe someday I will give it another try. But for now I will watch from the sidelines.Wow! Writing this was very hard to do.Tonight (Saturday) I am safe and warm sleeping in a cabin.Tomorrow (Sunday) I will be safe and warm sleeping at home.LOVE YOU ALL"THE HANKSTER"