Date: 2003-10-06
From: Millenocket, Me

To: Mt. Katahdin 
Miles today: 11.6
Weather: overcast clouds

The telephone rings loudly,awakening me from a deep sleep.In an instant I am awake. Will today be the day?I dress and once more go over the day pack I packed last night,trying to figure out if I forgot anythng. I have tochose between a warm windproff jacket or a rain jacket. I decide to go for warmth and get a spare 99 cent poncho out of my car to take. Mudbutt joins us and we head out,stopping at McDonalds for a drive thru breakfast. The sky does not look promising.There are dark clouds everywhere threatening to spill rain out at any minute. I pray and try to think clear. I also try to listen intently for some sort of reassurance or answer to my prayer that will guide me today. We get to the information hut and hurry inside as the first raindrops fell. but they were very,very small ones,made smaller by my desperate desire to summit today! It is a class 3 day.That means some trails are closed and hiking above tree line is not recommended. We decide to go on to the rangers station and get another report. He says the same thing,class three day. I ask him if any other hikers have come thru this morning. His answers with a hint of distain,yes,a carload was just in front of us. In a matter of seconds,I take a deep breath and say "Okay,I want to go for it" Mudbutt is not happy wit me,neither is Papermaker. I know most people will not understand this,but that is okay,I only know that I felt like it was the righ! t decision for me. I had no idea how far I would get,I only knew that I wanted to try. The ranger takes my license tag down,"Bumpkin".I am sure he thought I was a bumpkin. Then he asked me for an emergency contact.That unnerved me somewhat.Papermaker was with me,so whose name and number to give?We gave the number of the hotel where Mudbutt's parents were. Mudbutt had aleady decided not to go up. We drove to the trail head and once again went through all the thins in our packs. One last trip to the privy,and a quick hug to my hiking partner and off we go. The sign in sheet at the trail head already had 28 names on it.I added ours to the list,feeling better knowing that I was not the only crazy person on the trail today! Within minutes ,we had to stop and take off two of the three layers of clothes we were wearing. I knew we did not need to sweat and get our clothes wet. By the time we disappeared into the trees,a light mist was falling. Several hikers passed us,all day hiker! s with lightening speed and small packs,dressed in cotton outfits and looking quite pleased with themselves. We hiked past Katahdin Stream falls,not even taking time to get pictures of the waterfalls. We had not climbed very far before the mist turned into alight snow. Just enough to coat the tops of the evergreen tree branches and giving everything a Christmasy scene. The assent began in earnest and we had to stop and put on a layer of clothes. Our speed was not fast enoug to keep our bodies warm. Before long we passed two young girls headed back down the mountain.They said they were not equipped to be in such cold weather. Dressed in jeans and sweatshirts I had to agree with them.Above the tree line there was absolutely no view what soever. Later that would prove to be a blessing . Just as we began bouldering over huge rockswe came upon another couple turning back. It was thru hikers Tom for Short and wife Seneca Lou. I barely recognised them,all bundled up,nothing showing but their faces. While we stopped for them to climb down and get pa! st us,we put on another layer of clothes and tryed to munch a granola bar. The bars were frozen solid. I still was confident at this time that we would be able to hike on ahead. Don't ask me why,I just was. I climed up a rock face,my feet faltering around for footholds meant for tall people. Papermaker put his leg against the rockwall and I stepped up on his knee,hauling myself over the ledge. The top of the ledge was slippery wit black ice. That is what we call ice up north,that is invisible to the eye because of the light.The clouds were beginning toget thicker and thicker,making it more difficult to see the white blazes painted on the rocks. Still,I wanted to go on. We came to another rock ledge,too steep for me to crawl over. Papermaker could not get a good foothole even though there was a place to step.A person would have had to have a tiny tiny foot to get a good grip. His foot is by no means small,so without him getting up there he could not haul meup,and the ledge w! as too slick to even get a handhold. So this was the end for me... no matter how we tried,it just did not seem doable. Had we been there earlier,before the rain turned to ice,I might have had a chance. I did what any strong willed determined person would do in a situation like this would do. I leaned against the rock face that stood between me and the summit, and squalled.Months of pentup emotions,the wear and tear of the hike,the long time away from home,the death of my daddy,the painful letting go of things in my life,they all just flowed up and over,like a glass filled too full. I stood there and cried,my tears flowing down my cheeks and dripping off of my chin,the frigid wind freezing the dampness into my face. Papermaker leaned against me,like most men uncomfortable with the raw emotions and tears. He whispered into my ear,"there is always tomorrow."I straightened up and said,"Okay,let's go down now."I will forever remember the thought that came to my mind when I turned around. Something said to look up,to get to the top of the ledge ,th! en look around. I hesitated just a moment,then asked Papermaker to give me a boost up. I used all of my strenth asI pushed against his knee one more time,and peering over the top I saw a handhold that would allow me to finish pulling myself up. I had no idea how he would get up behind me though. I fell on my stomach and shimied my way across the ledge until I felt it was safe to stand up. I stood up and looked around,then spying a crevice on the far side of the rock,almost invisible from below,I saw the steps that would bring him up to the ledge. We had not even thought to look around,but rather just tried to follow where we thought the trail went. There is definately a lesson there,but I will save it for another time. It seemed as if we would never get to the flat part of the trail,called the tablelands. Then,there in front of us were the first of the thru hikers comng down off of the summit. it was No Pepsi.I took one look at his face.It was full of fear and concern.The clouds continued to get thicker and he as worried about being able to find the trail back down. We were two miles from the summit. I have been told that I have a foolish faith.That I rely too much on God's protection of me. I don't go out and stand in the road,daring God to prove me right or wrong,and I realize that common sense does come into play here.I also know that he gave me a peace this mornig when I made the decision to go up. Had I made the wrong decision I know he would have let me know. I also know that several times had I let it,my mind would have went into a panic over the what ifs. It is like when you go out on a deep sea fishing boat or get into a plane,suddenly most people feel a desire to just check upon their relationship with whoever they think might be in charge of their fate. I had made a decision based on what I thought was the right one for me. Had I heard different or not felt peace,I would have decided something different. The snow had stopped an! d what was blowing around now was the snow on the ground. The trail was more level and cairns were moe visible to us.And there were other hikers who had reached the top. We pressed on,Idealing with my own questions and doubts,Papermaker with his fear of heights. More hikers coming down,encouraging us and letting us know how much farther we had to go. I hugged each one of them and congratulated them on their finish. The tablelands came into view and we hurried across them.We had 1.5 miles to go to the summit. Thoreau Spring was like a semi frozen stream weaving in and out of the trail,the frozen slush crunching under our boots. Then a gradual climbing and all at once there it was,the sign signaling we had reached the summit. Papermaker hiked ahead of me in order to video my last few steps. I had to go to the bathroom,not a tree in sight. I hid behind a cairen,I don't know why,there was no a soul in sight. Then ,there I was,touching the sign,and asking myself it it was really happening.Was I really here?There were no tears,nothing but a calm peace in my heart. I had hoped for earth shattering emotions. Ihad gotten a quiet resolve. I had hiked ! Mt. Katahdin,my dream had come true. A dream that I had often wondered about. Where had it come from and why? Somehow I know those answers will come later.We ate a hurried snack,followed by a round of pictures. Then itwas time to leave. It was over much too quickly,but it was too cold to linger. I knew we would probably be hiking out after dark as it was. I took a few moments to leave behind all those things I had put on myself over the years. I wanted to carry down only the real me.The person I was meant to be. I hoped that I had left enough baggage behind to lighten my load. We started back down,the trail uch more visible with the clouds breaking upoccasionally. As we started down the rocks,the view lay before us ,clear and unfolding.A breathtaking view of the rocky face we had climbed earlier. The snow that had covered most of the trail had melted,and the going was easier.The sun dipped behind the clouds as we entered the forest and we dug out our headlamps shortly afterward to light our way. We came out of the woods 11 hours after we started.We had hiked 10 miles and were worn out. Other hikers had been waiting and watching for us,concern and releif showing on their faces. None so apparent as that on Mudbutt's face when she saw our lights coming down the trail.Ugs were a little warmer,and hellos a little sweeter. We got into our car and headed into town for that last bit of trail magic by Buddy and Dixie Huthmaker,DINNER!!! We were two very tired hikers,the feat we had just accomplished was lost in sore muscles and wore out bodies. Would I climb it again on a class three day? I can't honestly answer that. We went up and came down safe today,a class three day.Yes,there was ice,and snow and wind.Yes, it was steep and challenging,it was hard beyond comprehension.But so is giving birth and raising children.So is having good relationships,blending families,getting over childhood abuses,letting go of dreams that will never come true,daring to do something different. I have been more afraid,I have worked harder in my life in a single day. Had there been a crisis,sure I could say I wouldn't do it again. The outcomes sometimes tends to cloud your future decisions.I do know this and beleive this.For whatever reason,my hand was held by the hand of God,be it my stupidity or his faithfulness or a combination of both. Once again I learned I can trust him in all situations.He was right there beside me as I s! truggled up the mountain. I had grown in the valleys that were behind me. I now could put my growth to the test. He did not fail me,I stepped out on faith and proved him faithful. "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."I cannot beleive that I forgot to tell about my moose sighting this morning on the way to the trail head. I guess in my excitement about hiking I forgot about it. We were heading down the tote road in Baxter State Park when we came to a pond where moose sightings were pretty common.The parking lot was full and we drove on by.Just as we rounded the bend in the road,there walking right down the middle ofthe road was a bull moose.A big bull moose.Papermaker slammed on his breaks and grabbed his camera,and leaped from the car ,all in a matter of seconds. His fast reaction got me the perfect picture for the cover of my book. His lack of rationality got him within twenty feet ofthis enormous creature as it mosied along. He turned and went into the woods,and waded out into the water,with Papermaker railing behind him snapping shot after shot. Mudbutt and I were in hot pursuit with our own cameras,snapping picture after picture. It was such an expereince for the three of us and we talked about it while we drove up to the campsite. I hope to havesome pitures on my journal site before too long.