Date: 2010-01-11
To: I Still Have a Chance!
Miles today: 0.0

It won¢t be long and the Winter Olympics will begin. I¢ve always been kinda partial to the Winter Olympics. There¢s just something about cold weather sports that seems to bring out the most interesting characters. (The same is true, of course, about hiking the Appalachian Trail, but that¢s another story.) One of my all-time favorites was Eddie "the Eagle", from the U.K. I don¢t remember the year, but it was the last time they were held in Canada. Eddie was a competitor in the ski jumping event. The problem was, he wasn¢t a very good skier. In fact, it was pretty obvious to just about everyone but Eddie that he really had no business being on skis in the first place, much less in the Olympics. I never figured out how it was that no one else in the entire United Kingdom came forward to challenge Eddie for a place on the team. Then again, the Brits are generally a rather conservative lot, and it may simply be that strapping wooden slats to one¢s feet, sailing at breakneck speed down a narrow slide and then launching oneself headlong into space, hoping to land safely a couple of hundred yards further down the hill, may not have appeared all that enticing to the vast majority of them. But NO ONE? ¢Right. Well then, Eddie, I guess the slot is ALL YOURS. Good luck, Mate.¢The interesting thing was, the crowd really got behind him. It was partly that underdog thing he had going for him. But it was also his attitude toward the whole insane endeavor. His crashes in practice didn¢t seem to faze him, but they endeared him to the observing masses. When he actually landed a jump successfully, he was probably the most amazed person there, and was obviously thrilled by the experience ¢ which you can¢t blame him for, as you could easily get yourself killed doing what he was doing. He didn¢t win any medals, of course, but he was the hit of those Winter Olympics ¢ and deservedly won his 15 minutes of fame. And then there was the Jamaican Bobsledding Team. From Jamaica. JAMAICA! Right, Mon. I¢ve always wondered how it was those guys came up with the idea to enter themselves in the Winter Olympics. It¢s rather more understandable that THEY were able to get in, since it wasn¢t likely to occur to any else on that tropical island that they should try to get together such a team. My assumption is that the idea was hatched in the very early morning, sometime after the fog of alcohol and the haze of burning ganja descended in force, and just before they drifted into unconscious bliss. The amazing thing about those guys is that they were actually competitive! Go figure¢¦   What I like about both of these examples, however, is that they give me hope. You see, ever since I saw my first Olympic Games on T.V., I¢ve dreamed about being one of the competitors: the pageantry, the world stage, the drama of competition, the thrill of victory. I always picture myself winning the gold medal, of course. Standing on the highest box, the one in the middle, bowing as they pace the medal around my neck, with the Star Spangled Banner playing as the camera fades from the American flag to a close up of the tears in my eyes. (It¢s that Walter Mitty complex kicking in, for those of you unfamiliar with my alter ego.)The main problem with this little scenario is coming up with the sport in which I might actually be competitive. To make a long story short, after considerable soul-searching, and a careful assessment of my actual chances of getting on the U.S. Olympic Team in a specific sport, I have pretty much given up on the Summer Games. The way I see it, my only hope lies in the Winter Games. And, I must confess, with the passage of time, the range of options has, well, sort of narrowed. In fact, by my calculations, I¢m pretty much down to just one possibility: the individual luge. (Break: did I spell that right???)The luge is this sled-like thing that goes down a long, narrow, winding and twisting chute. Unlike the bobsled, where you have to push to get it started, and then, one after another, each of the guys jumps onto the sled, in the individual luge, you¢re already lying down, on your back, feet facing downhill, and you get started by sort of rocking it a few times and then shoving off. I figure I could do that. More to the point, with my, ah, size, I would have a real competitive advantage over all those other, rather svelte athletes. The whole thing depends on getting to the bottom with the fastest time. And since the whole thing is downhill, and I¢ll have all that gravity going for me, I figure I¢ll be a natural at it. I haven¢t actually tried to do it yet. I¢m saving that for when I fully retire and will have the time needed to train properly. I¢ll probably have to recruit a personal trainer ¢ maybe a former Olympic Champion -- who can sort of show me the ropes. Oh, and a luge. I wonder how much those things cost¢¦Of course, there will probably be some competition for the U.S. luge team, but I¢m prepared for that. If ¢ and I know this is hard to imagine, but just sayin¢ ¢ if I DON¢T make it onto the U.S. team, I¢ve got a back up plan. I¢m going to be checking it out later this month, or in early February, depending on when my next trip abroad is approved. Does anyone know the words to the Yemeni National Anthem?