Date: 2008-04-11
From: Maine

To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0

   For me, there is nothing more cathartic than writing. I came out to the trail to heal and sharing pieces of myself in these journals was the best part of my experience out here. This venue gave me an outlet for my frustrations and it allowed me to expand upon my ideas in ways I wouldn't have been able to without this blog. When I sit down to write I typically have a topic that I have been mulling over and want to share, but by the end of the entry that idea has fallen to the wayside and I have been inspired to speak about something else altogether, something much more personal. There are many journals out there which talk only about what I consider the three physical delights of trail life: the weather, the Ramen and the walk. I wanted my journal to stand out, and since I didn't want to bore myself to death talking about chicken flavored Ramen I chose to share my inner transformation with the online world. The topics I discussed with friends and strangers alike put my insecurities and my heart on a platter for any insensitive boob to ridicule; I was positive people would laugh and point at my feelings but I was pleasantly surprised when 90 percent of the comments were positively glowing with support. Complete strangers took up a figurative torch and chose to walk along this path next to me for better or worse.   I have really gone out on a limb in these entries, and in many cases I have been more personal with cyber space than I have been in my own personal journal. Writing about gymnastics was hard for me and it hurt a lot to face those experiences all over again. Of any journal, that was the most personal. I had tears on my cheeks by the time I finished writing it. I was on a precipice before I came out here. My life was stagnant and I had to choose, stay where I am, half healed and settle for what I can get, or jump off a cliff and risk everything to be whole. I obviously chose to jump and I couldn't be any happier with that decision. Right after gymnastics I was a gaping wound, right before the trail I had taken the necessary steps and sewn the gash up most of the way, what I needed wasn't adventure but an outlet for my experiences. The time for introspection is over and looking back on my experiences on that team, I feel nothing for the first time ever. Usually I feel bitter, resentful and my heart hurts all over again, but I don't feel anything at all and it is liberating.    I feel free of the insecurities which have plagued me for a long time and I accredit my experiences out here and the manner in which I chose to write my journals to this new feeling of freedom.    My trail experience has been awesome and I couldn't have asked for anything more. Gymnastics isn't the only experience I have transformed in my own mind and I know this because when I try to write in this forum I have nothing to say. I am tempted to talk about the physical delights to fill space and so I write nothing because writing something for the sake of something is not good enough to fulfill the standards I set myself in this. The fact that I have nothing to write about tells me that I am over the insecurites that have plagued me and that I am finally ready to move on from painful experiences of the past and trust myself to make sound decisions about my future. I can honestly say that I feel great about who I am, where I am going and what I am doing in my life right now. I have never commited myself to anyone or anything and for the first time in my life I am excited about making relationships. One lesson I learned out here was that what you put into a relationship is what you get from it, and never again will I hold back from commiting myself to something worthy, be that person or event. I'm ready to create lasting friendships and enjoy relationships with others. Without the trail, and without this forum I wouldn't have been able to say these things and my life would have fallen into the same rut I came out here to escape.Since this blog was meant to be cathartic, and for all intents and purposes I feel that I have healed what I needed to heal, I am not going to write here anymore about the things I am overcoming. In fact, I may never write again. If I do, it will be because I want to write about how I feel about the effects of the trail on my life, not about how my life affects my trail. Feeling pressured to write is no fun and I don't like the idea of working to find something to share with the world so regular entries will not be part of my trail experience. The cathartic properties of this journal do not exist any more and so I am saying my peace on my past.    The support I have had throughout my experiences has been overwhelming and I really feel loved and appreciated everytime someone commented on my journals. The reason I had to write journals and hike for a crazy amount of time is because I allowed others to upset my ability to process events in a healthy manner. I let insignificant people get blown up in my mind and dictate my actions and my personality for a very long time. Essentially, when I broke down, I lost the ability to regain inner peace and this trip helped me redefine who I was and become the person I always endeavored to be. This journal, while it doesn't signify the end of my journey, signifies the end to my years as a weak, insecure person as a result of circumstance. I encourage every one of my readers to find the strength within themselves to be at peace with who they are. The trail guided my way to a peaceful existence and I couldn't ask for more.       The journey is the destination, and sometimes you must walk through pain to find greener pastures. Find peace within your mind, and your life will follow suit.       Signing out,             Crash Into Things