Date: 2006-04-30
From: Partnership Shelter

To: Chatfield Shelter
Miles today: 7.1
Weather: broken clouds

Today really got me down. It was just a day. There was nothing significant about it. I didn't do anything I haven't done before. But things just got to me.Yesterday's 20 miles were exhausting but I flew through them on a high. Today's seven were just a chore. The only reason to do them was to keep moving. I tripped and tromped and stumbled at no great pace over the same terrain I practically ran over yesterday. But the hike was just a symptom, not the cause. I hitched into Marian to finish the business I couldn't do yesterday in Troutdale. I needed stove fuel and a camera and a few groceries not available at the trading post. I caught a ride pretty quickly. They fit both me and Wayno and our packs in the back seat of the minivan. The 2 guys in front were the friends Oh2Bee had been waiting for yesterday. They had just shuffled Oh2Bee and several others back to the trail head and were happy to help out more. So, the trouble didn't start there either.I'm not fond of visiting towns and 2 in a row is not the greatest, especially since I decided to skip towns whenever I could. I never like going to Wal-Mart but I had to. They have fuel and all gas stations in a God fearing town are closed on Sundays. But that's not the problem either.My sore toe is bleeding through my sock and I don't even want to look at it until morning. I picked up new first aid supplies in town.I made the absolute worst trail dinner since the hike began, Ramen with tuna and pesto sauce on a tortilla. Not sure why I thought that would be a good idea. I pretty much live by the rules of leave no trace, drinking my dish water and packing out what I pack in. But this meal went down the privy. I would have thrown it up anyway if I eaten it, so it works out the same.All these things are just contributing factors though. Maybe things have been too good too many days in a row and just an average day is a let down, maybe. Maybe it's that when I talked to Mark (?) and told him I'd passed the 500 mile mark he thought I'd be farther along. Maybe I'm always torn by speeding up to make progress and slowing down to enjoy.But it's really none of these. I made a 2 hour town stop yesterday and still managed to fit in 20 miles.The biggest I think is that I'm tired and lonely. I don't have the familiar cozy world that Andrew and I have created for ourselves. Nobody knows us better than I him and he me. I can't make more than brief connections here. That's usually fine and I'm used to it. I'll get attached to people for a couple of days and then they move on. It's good to have familiarity with many people and not be a stranger when we all meet in a town or hostel or campfire. But I've put myself out to make stronger connections to no good result. It would be good to have one person to commiserate with at the end of a hard day and laugh at the stresses of the trip. Everyone out here forms a loose supportive group bound by common experiences and goals. I've been trying to make a few friends out of the sea of aquaintances.A voice in my head surprised me tonight as I finished evening chores. It said, "I'd rather be home." I'm not listening to it and chalking it up to the lousy day. There have been lousy days and there will be more.When I got to the shelter tonight Whayno and Chill Out were already here and done with dinner. Whayno asked about Homeward who had also hitched to town. I had seen him at Wal-Mart but not since then. Chill Out said he hadn't passed here. If it took him as long to get a ride back as it took me, maybe he stayed back at Partnership Shelter. Maybe he passed by unnoticed. I stopped to talk to a guy who was looking for his lost hunting dogs on the way here. He mentioned seeing only one hiker pass by in an hour. Probably Whayno.I sat in the dark after dinner and looked at the sky. After an overcast day the stars were out, one saving grace. I thought about all the miles behind me and the work I've done so far. I've made it over some big hurdles to get here. Today was just a crappy day and bears no comparison. Lots of people have done lots of things so much harder than this. I'm just walking 2000 miles. It's the biggest thing I've ever done but a few thousand have done it before me. They've all had aches and pains and plenty of bad days.