Date: 2008-08-24
From: Gentian Pond Campsite, NH

To: Gorham, NH
Miles today: 1.1
Weather: clear sky

Oh man...what a shitty shitty unexpected day. I slept till 8:30 a.m., and those college kids were loud again this morning. My stomach felt better, which I was glad about.I got up, and ate breakfast, which I was excited about because I had cereal and milk, which was a great change from my poptarts. By the time I got camp torn down, though, and we stepped off @ 10:00 a.m., my stomach was hurting again.See folks, in the normal world, you feel crappy, we usually don't go around telling our friends, but out here, where you are vulnerable and where it affects other people, you do tell your friends if you're not 100%, so shortly after we began hiking I said, "Well ladies, I have to be honest, my stomach is hurting again, and I don't know what's going on." I took another Prilosec, which had zero affect...not normal either.A.M. and V8 said, "Well, we'll play it by ear and take a lot of breaks, but there are ways out if we need them." Seriously, to be with 2 people who are so understanding made all the difference to me today.We had a small climb first thing, about .4 miles, and I was having to stop every couple of steps because I thought I was going to puke. My energy level was also non-existent, absolutely zero pep in my legs..not even enough to hold an amiable facial expression (I took 2 pics today...so you'll see what I mean).We slowly made our way up this small climb and then started down for about .5 miles, where there was water. I'd sucked through a lot of my gatorade already, which is actually not normal, but I was sweating a lot too.We got down to the water source and I filled up my second canteen, deciding against "cameling up" because each drink I took hurt my stomach. This was reminiscent of the way I felt last year back in the Greyson Highlands when that Indomethicin medication inflammed my stomach lining..stabbing sharp pains, burning, and nausea all at the same time.Now I asked the ladies if we could see what our options were for getting out..just so I'd know. There were 3, go back to Gentian Pond and hike out via the Austin Brook Trail, climb up Mt. Success and hike out via the Success Trail, or go to our planned destination of Carlo Col Shelter and hike out via a side trail there. It made me feel better to know there were options, and let's face it, we were only going about 5 miles today.So with this, I told them let's keep going, and we started up a small .1 climb that takes you to the base of Mt. Success, which is a pretty steep .6 mile climb.Folks, I could not make it up this steep .1 climb. I thought I was going to hurl with every step of exertion I had to take. V8 stayed just ahead of me and she took my 2nd canteen of water to help, but not even this worked.So put yourself here for a moment, TODAY you finally get to hike into Maine, your last state. TODAY your friend, V8, will have only 2 more days to complete the last few miles that she needs to complete the whole state of Maine from her previous years of section hiking, TODAY your friend Auntie Mame is excited about crossing the stateline with you...and you are a mere 3.5 miles away from the stateline..3.5 MILES!I was getting slower and slower, having to stop after each 1-2 steps, and the moment came where I just had to say, "Ladies, I don't think this is going to work." Can anyone out there even comprehend how difficult this was for me to say...especially on such a pivotal day as today?I just sat down on a rock and capitulated to this situation....whatever it is. V8 and A.M. went into action, they whipped the maps out, and we all looked @ the best way out. The mileage was about the same if we continued up Mt. Success and then out, or if we turned back and went out by Gentian Pond. So I HATE HATE HATE backtracking out here...it's a mind f*ck to know you are hiking backwards, repeating miles, and that all of your exertion doesn't "count." I told them I wanted to continue north, and go out via Success Trail (this was a totally emotionally-based decision by the way...I was really angry).This is where 2 friends really came in handy...both V8 and A.M. said, "I think the best route is actually to go back to Gentian Pond and go out from there." They were right you know, less climbing...which was obviously beyond me today, and then the pickup point was WAY closer for Karen to reach than the other way.I was being stubborn..and that sort of decision-making can lead to bigger problems. So, I calmed down and saw that they were right. V8 and A.M. both hopped up and insisted I give them some weight from my pack. Man, you feel like such a heel doing this, but at this point, I just needed to get the hell out of the mountains and get to a doctor. So, A.M. took my fuel and the stuffsack containing my hammock straps, pack cover, camp cloth, and stakes; and V8 took my raingear on top of my water.We turned around, and knew the next step was calling Karen, but none of us had cell service, so we hiked on.So psychologically, what is happening to you @ this moment? First, a sense of extreme disappointment, today was going to be a HUGE day, I had my surprise poprocks candy to share @ the stateline as well as a giant rice krispie treat to share, suddenly I'm hiking back to where I started this morning, knowing I'm going to have to repeat this AGAIN, I knew the weather was almost perfect for this leg w\the exception of some rain tonight maybe, I also knew this was how V8's entire hike for the year was coming to an end, and it makes me feel so tired, so tired of fighting, so tired of problem-solving, so tired of sorting out logistics, so tired of wanting the miles to be behind me, and yet here I am hiking all day with little AT progress being made, so tired of having to push...push...push...so tired of dreaming about this mountain named Katahdin, which for so long has only been a figment of my imagination..only seen represented through other's pictures and on my maps in an abstra! ct drawing. Facing yet ANOTHER unknown, will I be ill for a week, for 3 days, for 1 day, how will I get back up here, what route to take, would I have felt better eventually, should I have tried to hike on, and the biggest question that has plagued and haunted me since last summer...will I ever make it to the end?I know from having been in my home as a journal reader before I got out here, I would read a person's experience like this and think, "Whoa whoa...don't overreact, it's just a few days, don't throw in the towel when you've got less than 300 miles to go..that's crazy." I now understand though.I will admit that on the way down, I thought, "Shit, maybe I'm so depleted, so exhausted, so mentally spent that I should just do all of Maine next year." But then....I don't want this thing hanging over me yet another year. I want to be freed of it's grip, so I can then become a "normal" backpacker again. I dream of planning week long trips where I hike no more than 5 miles a day, and am able to just relish in the beauty of this earth instead of having to plan that next leg, make a resupply list, wash my clothes, and know that each day I take off is 1 more day longer that it will keep me suspended.So we got back to the top of that small climb, and all checked our cell phones. I finally got thru to Karen, who had decided that since we'd be out 5 days, she'd go visit and stay with friends in Massachusettes, 3 hrs away. She didn't even pause when I told her what was up..she said she'd be there asap, that her friends would understand, but it would probably be around 4 p.m. We didn't think we'd be down @ the road much soonr than that anyways. Then I just broke down crying and said, "I didn't make it to Maine today..." She said, "Don't worry, Maine will still be there waiting, you'll make it."So we got backto Gentian Pond and A.M. and V8 needed to eat lunch. I was not hungry so I layed on the tentplatform. Eventually I tried to eat some cheetos, I didn't want sweet stuff. It stayed down, but didn't stop the pain any.We left around 1'ish and got back to the Gentian Shelter where the sign for the Austin Brook Trail was....here we go again.Only the first .5 mile was steep, but it wasn't totally horrible. After that, this trail was quite nice. It was 3.5 miles out to North Road, a paved rd that would bring us within 4 miles from where Karen dropped us off yesterday.There was 1 confusing place where there were yellow blazes but the trail had been intentionally blocked, so V8 looked @ the maps and we realized we had to go right here..which was correct.I did see the biggest beaver dam I've ever seen, it was literally daming up an entire pond, and then I saw the biggest moose track I've ever seen too.The trail was very gradual, and is probably the best side trail to take in all of the Mahoosucs to get to\from the AT.Soon, it came to a dirt road and I was hoping it was this the rest of the way. There were small piles of bear scat on the road, ineviteably right next to a small patch of blackberries, which struck me funny...but I didn't laugh.My map and V8's maps didn't agree, mine showed the trail became the road, hers showed the road paralleled the trail, but we all knew this road had to lead out because there were cars parked on it, so we decided to stay on the dirt road. There weren't signs anywhere either.The mosquitoes were suddenly out full force as well..eating us alive. I put deet on for the first time in forever.We saw a sign saying "AMC Trail" and an arrow, but it didn't tell you which trail, where it went...anything, so we opted to stay on the road.Finally around 3:45 p.m., we made it to North Road. We then realized that side trail way back was the Austin Brook Trail branching back into the woods, and that we were about 1 road mile from the trailhead we told Karen to meet us.We decided instead of sitting still and being eaten alive, we'd start roadwalking to the trailhead. I got my phone out, hoping to let Karen know we were further up the road, so we could stop, but no luck. I was feeling so lethargic it was unbelievable.I even tried hitching, but nobody stopped. We walked and at the top of a small hill, I got through, but by now we were literally up a hill from the trailhead. She was 20 min. away, and I told A.M. and V8 I just wanted to stop here where there was a breeze and keep Karen on the phone, so we waited.A bit after 4, she showed up with cold drinks for us all. We piled into the car, went back to the Towne and Country and I took a shower and layed down. Later, V8 and A.M. called to say they were going for dinner, and at this point my stomach had been empty long enough for the worst pain to subside, and I was feeling hungry finally, so we all went down to Mr. Pizza, which has real food too. I got some soup and a club sandwich, ate slowly, pretty much imediately started feeling burning again, but also knew I needed to eat.We all turned in and Karen got the #'s for some medical centers in the area, so I'll call them first thing in the a.m. I'm exhausted....totally exhausted. I hate days like today, but am also so glad I had 2 friends with me...THANK YOU AUNTIE MAME AND V8!! You 2 really helped me when I most needed it, and your flexibility is so appreciated. The trail brought the two of you to me when I most needed it, that's for sure.I need sleep now.~Certain