Date: 2006-03-14
From: Icewater spring Shelter

To: Pecks Corner Shelter
Miles today: 21.3
Weather: clear sky

I did my first 21+ mile day today! Are you impressed? Well the only thing you should be impressed about is my stupidity¢¦13.3 of those miles were going the wrong way¢¦Let me explain. I wanted to get started early before the big rush to the trail. So I got up woke up Messenger and we made a plan to meet 12 miles up the trail. I headed out around 7ish.   I took a left out of the shelter and took off up the mountain. The trail was complete ice. It took me about 3 12, 4hrs to go 5.3 miles. The wind was so strong and blowing very cold. I had not seen a white blaze (trail marker) in quite some time and saw a sign for the App. Trail pointing the other way. This made no sense; I knew I had not gone off any stray paths. I suspected that I might have taken a wrong turn or something possibly. But I couldn¢t have¢¦please God no. I hike enough as it is I do not need any extra to do... I finally met some trail maintenance men on top of Mt. Leconte and I realized my mistake. Yesterday I thought we took a side trail to the shelter but we didn¢t. I saw Boulvevard trail and assumed that was the A.T. straight ahead. So I went 5.3 miles up to the wrong mountain that was not even on the AT. I wasn¢t paying attention; I was so angry with myself. I was in the hiking zone and made a huge mistake. The maintenance guy assured me this was a common mistake. I couldn¢t go back the same way I came without losing a limb or something worse happening, the ice was just too treacherous. So I decided to take the Alum cave trail (4.9 miles) to Newfound Gap Rd. hitch a ride and go back and redo (2.9) what we did yesterday then go 7 miles more to the shelter before where we were suppose to meet. I was then going to wake the next day really early and hike the 5 miles and try to catch him. I was beside myself. I knew I was going to have to do some huge miles today to try to catch Messenger. My fear was that he may have thought that I might go on to the next shelter 20miles up. Urghh.. I went as fast as I could. I had already slipped once on the ice coming up the mountain. Both feet right out from under me. Stepping down onto a wet rock I fell again this time on my left hip. I got up tested the damage and kept going. About 5 minutes later I stepped down off another little ledge and stepped funny on a root and tweaked my right ankle again and immediately fell over again!!! I screamed out loud. WHY?? WHY GOD?? DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST ME! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME? 13.3 miles the wrong way, right shin ice burn, left hip on a wet rock, now my crappy ankle gave way again. I got up. Limped down the trail and had myself a pity party. Why¢¦Why¢¦ I just kept asking this question. I want to know. Why is this happening? What does this expose in me Lord? Is there something you want to heal? Is there something you want to break? Tell me God now. Most of the time I don¢t want God. I want a genie in a bottle to do what I want and give me everything I want on my every demand. God didn¢t speak. He just left me there in that place with the Why¢¦ I am learning that God is not offended by my questions; God is not offended by my doubt (Job, David, Thomas) So as I walked I kept asking and trying to make sense of my what I just did. I ran into a lot of day hikers going up Alum cave. The typical ¢hey how are you?¢ ¢I am alright how are you?¢ You know how it goes¢¦ no one really cares, everyone just trying to be polite. Robots. Finally after many of these meaningless conversations, I thought to myself ¢Hey I am not fine, I actually suck.¢ So I decided to start telling people how I really felt. ¢Hey how are you?¢ they asked ¢Well actually I suck, how are you?¢ haha. It was quite funny. I got quite a few stares and strange looks, some folks actually wanted to know what was up, others I just told, and then again other people just thought I was a weirdo. I finally grew tired of the awarkedness of it all and didn¢t want to talk to people anymore so I decided to go with normality again¢¦ ¢I am alright, how are you?¢ I was too consumed with my own troubles to actually care about their answers. I suspect I am just a robot too.