Date: 2005-10-15
From: Bennington, Vermont

To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0

Hi everyone, my Mom died Septmeber 16 and my heart broke in places I didn't know existed. It has been one month and I am starting to get my hope back. After I got off the trail I came back to Wheeling for about 3 weeks. Seeing my mother struggling and my Dad grief stricken had me many many times on the porching, clinging to the railing ,gasping for breath. The trail is such a life celebrating place that it made it very very difficult to watch someone you love at the other end of the spectrum. She had such an incredible heart and her face had an incandescent glow that had nothing to do with the ravage on the outside. I struggled through hospital visits, endless medication and certain weakening of her body but never her spirit. In mid August I decided to head back to Alaska for a few days and try to get some part of my life in order and come back in a month. Saying goodbye to my parents ..seeing thier love for me shining in thier eyes and feeling the fraility of my moms' shoulders underneath my fingers almost undid me. The flight back took me over Penns and I pressed my nose to the glass resting my weary body and gazing with a bittersweet longing down on those hills. I see the trail as my life " before " and my life 'after. I am having a hard time feeling good about my hike cuz it always reminds of my mothers death. Brian came to visit us after his hike and it was very difficult to discuss the hike and I didn't have much interest in trying to help him thru the letting go process .. which saddened me. When he walked thru our front door it was like the winds of the trail blew thru with him. It almost brought me to me knees. I was so busy trying to be strong for my parents that I wasn't prepared for the force of the momories that he brought with him. We did talk some and I am slowing seperating the 2 experiences in my life. The reunion in Alaska was a beautful and sad one. When I saw that beat up red truck with lulu .. gazing out that window with what seemed like joyful anticapation I found myself laughing. My smile felt unused but the love and acceptance from those dogs and the solid comfort that is Brad helped. Maybe saved me. I heard about my moms' death over the phone, just 2 days before I was gonna fly back. I immediatley hung up , put my sneakers on and bolted for the only place that would give my solace... my beloved woods. I thought I understood what loss was... what it would feel like to lose your mom but I had NO idea. The hurt connects in places that are soft, young and tender. The tears come from the well of my heart and often bring me to my knees with a yearning. I just wish that one more time I could feel the strength of her grip, hear say my name and feel her lips on my forehead . I would give anything. Anyway, I have been here over a month now .. helping my Dad cope and needing his help also. We lean on each other . That is how you can only hope it will be. I think about the trail quite a bit.. still with some anxiety but also with a secret smile. We went to the book store a few days ago and without even realising it I made my way to the " outdoor " section as I always have done and there on the table was a book on the Continental devide. Before I knew it I sunk into one of those chairs ( where do bookstores get those anyhow.. I want one ! ) and gazed at pearl like sunrises over deep rim rock canyons, wild ,angry rivers hammering down gorges and flowers carpeting fertile valleys.. only to soar to snowy and silent peaks. But, it wasnt til the last page where I saw a ruff and winding trail snaking towards my own personal freedom that the tears came and I had to go to the bathroom and cry .. for the loss of my Mom and with enduring gratitude that I had found my passion again. What I love most in this confusing, scary and fantastically lovely world, hiking. As we were drving back I looked unseeing at the countryside and thought of the trail.. of hiking from Vermont and mosing my way up to Maine with a stop to thru hike the long trail again and explore the Cohos trail along the way. .. and finally to climb the beloved of all mountains.. Katahdin. I have a funny feeling my mom will be up there in her purple hat eating a banana and cheering me on. But, for now I am enjoying being with my dad and eagerly waiting to go back to Alaska Nov 1. I will probably push and shove my way out of that plane where I will hug Brad with 1 arm and my other hand will be caressing Lulus' ears and if I am lucky the heavens will be shining down on us.. my Mom welcoming me home. Next year or 2007 the AT and then....the enticing CDT.. I can't wait for that trail for some reason....wishing all you guys a ton of hope and looking forward to seeing ya on the trail... yappy..