Date: 2004-04-08
From: Fontana

To: Alna
Miles today: 7.0

conversation of the...week?: (pretend the context is irrelevant)me: someday, i WILL pee on you. probably right after you take a shower.ross: nah, you'll probably pee in a cup and throw it on me while i'm still in the shower.[pause]me: so uh, are you taking a shower in the morning?ok since ross's journal touched on the subject, i guess i have to explain in full. wonder how much hate mail i'll get for this one...well. after that really really horrible hike down to fontana, we spent the night in a warm hotel room. then we decided to spend another night in the same hotel room. ross's idea, believe it or not. then we stayed another cuz of the rain, and another cuz we slept late. finally, we left and hiked up to birch springs camp ground, where i basically had a nervous breakdown right there in the tent. let's review the reasons for that breakdown, shall we?1. i f@%#ing hate the cold and well, it was damn cold2. i f@%#ing hate heights and ross made me climb the damn firetower3. my knees were hurting so badly that i could barely make it down a flight of stairs without my pack, let alone climb down a muddy slope with my pack4. i felt like i was holding ross back from his desired daily mileage5. i was more tired than i was in high school when i got mono from sharing a snapple and slept for three days straight6. i was missing a toenail7. my shoes wouldn't untie8. i don't like pasta anymore9. i couldn't feel my fingers, so couldn't open my sleeping bag's stuff sack10. ross was all mad cuz --well i'm not sure why but he was11. holy f@%#ing crap, there was mud everywhere, as usualross eventually got me to calm down enough to breathe, but i didn't sleep at all. we decided that night that we would hike to newfound gap, then hitch into gatlinburg, where i would call my mom and eventually go home. by the time we left in the morning, however, ross had made the decision to go back to fontana and have things happen from there. of course, i just wanted a hecliptopper ride from where i was, so the closest thing (fontana) sounded great. so there we went.this hadn't been the first little episode i'd had, but it was the first ross had been privy to. i'd been miserable for some time, but in a considerable amount of denial. miserable because this hike was making me hate hiking, something i never thought fully possible. it was making me hate hiking, hate the trail, hate being outside, hate hikers even. unlike almost everybody else, my body was literally falling apart piece by piece. unlike almost everybody else, i could only feel my extremeties half of the time. i couldn't sleep outside of hotel rooms, i couldn't listen to conversations about gear, and i'd fallen deeply and eternally in love with one of the few hikers i could stand, who also happened to be one of the many who hiked twice as fast as i could. ross, downside excluded, was the only reason i stayed so long. i know hiking from point springer to point katahdin deserves some kind of a big shiny certificate, or at least a cookie, but not at the price of my health or of my happiness. screw that crap. when you're unhappy, you have to stop and fix it, no matter what the original plan. moral of the story, blah, blah, blah...so anyway. we hiked back to fontana dam, where another ridge runner picked us up and drove us back to fontana village. i love ridge runners. they're great. i called my mom and we arranged a flight out of knoxville for a few days later. we stayed two nights at fontana village, then one at the hike inn. we met some great people and great cats there, and then in the morning, i was driven to knoxville, while ross was driven back to the dam. as for what's going on right now: ross is still hiking, but wants me to drive down and get him in damascus. i know most trail relationships don't last, but this relationship's just a little stronger than that. stronger than the pull of the trail, i guess. if my knees are in better shape by the time we return to maine from trail days, we're going to hike the at in the north, state by state, starting with new hampshire. yeah, i know i'm kinda retarded considering the context. but, some girls have abusive boyfriends, i've got hiking. ps for chrissakes no i won't journal about chasing my cat! i'll write when i hike. and when i get trashed at trail days. anybody need a ride?