Date: 2007-11-09
To: Freedom and Well Being
Miles today: 0.0

It has been over a month now that my thru hike ended and I returned home. I have been meaning to try and collect some of my thoughts over this period of time and put them down in words. During the weeks leading up to the final climb up Mount Katahdin, I was mentally and physically ready to end my hike and move on to my former pre-hike life. A funny thing happened in Monson, ME, however. Monson is the last trail town encountered before reaching Katahdin. While there, the reality struck me that this grand journey was indeed coming to an end. That realization triggered some feelings of regret and sadness. On one hand I really wanted to finish up my hike but on the other hand I realized how wonderful this experience has been. I wrestled a bit with these conflicting emotions for the remainder of the last 100 miles of trail. One day I'd swing to the "I really want to get this done now" mentality and the next day I would find it very hard to leave a shelter in a beautiful setting, because I did not want to have the moment end and I knew that each step further north was one less step left on this journey. Some of these final days, I found myself being tugged back and forth by these feelings as I hiked the trail.When I reached Baxter State Park and met up with friends and family for the final climb up Katahdin, the idea of completing my thru hike was mostly on my mind and I was in good spirits. However when I reached the summit on this final day of my hike, even though I was surrounded by friends, family, and many day hikers, I felt alone. I really needed to be there with other thru hikers, to share an unspoken emotional connection. I knew I could more easily relate to another thru hiker about what was going on in my head at that moment. That "band of brothers" mentality was very persistent among us thru hikers, especially towards the end of the journey. We had all experienced the pain and the joy of this very long hike and for those of us that had made it all the way, there was an unspoken understanding of the magnitude and the beauty of what we had accomplished. In the end, it was something that I could only fully share, with another thru hiker. Fortunately "Church Mouse", who I did not initially see, stepped slowly out from the crowd to congratulate and join me at the sign on the summit. We hardly said a word to each other. Words weren't necessary. At that moment we were totally in synch with what we were each feeling. Trying to verbalize it would have been cumbersome and inadequate.Since the hike has ended and I returned home, I find it hard to adequately describe and relate the experience of my thru hike, in a meaningful way. I usually try to sum it up in a few sentences, but those string of words never really do it much justice. It was good to get home and be reuinited with everyone I missed while I was on the trail. It did not take too much time and effort to merge back into life as I knew it before I left Springer Mtn. I honestly was surprised at how easy it was. At first, my surroundings seemed strange and different. Doing things which I did not previously give much thought to, now seemed more complicated and confusing. When I returned to work, I felt confined and "caged" in the small and cramped office space. I needed to get up and take a walk frequently so I could stretch my legs. In a short while though, I started to adjust to this new life.Before and during my thru hike, I always thought that I would be changed in a big way, as a result of walking for 5-6 months over a distance of 2,170 miles. There were noticeable physical changes as I lost about 20 pounds and probably was in the best physical condition of my life. Other then that, the changes were not huge. However, after the hike, I started noticing subtle changes. I was much more apt to not let little things bother me that would have been annoying or frustrating to me prior to the hike. I definitely appreciated people and things I had always previously taken for granted. After about a week I began to notice a feeling of emptiness for a while (and still a bit now). I felt an aching feeling, a sort of longing to return to the trail, even though there were many times towards the end when I could not wait to finish the hike.I attributed this feeling to a couple of factors. The dream I carried for so many years, and in some sense was a part of my psyche, had now been accomplished. Even though this provided a great feeling of fullfillment, I also felt on the other hand like I had lost something. I know this is a temporary condition and eventually this void will be filled by another dream, goal, or purpose. On a lighter note, I'm already trying to catch up on a long list of things my wife wants me to complete around the house! I will eventually however need something more substantial to pursue. A sort of grand undertaking. Something that will challenge me, scare me a bit, and help me to push the envelope and continue to grow, as the pursuit and eventual fullfillment of this dream has. I know I will find it when the time and place is right. I think the other reason for the emptiness I was feeling after the trail was the realization that I needed to return from where I had come, from where I felt a tremendous sense of freedom and well being. This was actually more of a mental, or better yet a spiritual place. I felt as though a piece of me was left behind on the trail. I guess being in the beauty as well as the harsh reality of the natural world, and truly seeing the goodness of humanity, for 5 1/2 months, was in some sense a way to more fully recognize and draw closer to God, then I ever had before. I did not realize this at the time, and I think that is mainly why I felt such a void when I returned home. I was thrust again into a world of many distractions and things which make it harder to experience the true Reality. God made His presence felt along the trail so readily in each sunrise and sunset, in the granduer of the mountain landscapes, in the silence of the woods, the rolling hills and pastures, and in the abundance of honest, real and compassionate human contact. Already I can feel the positive experience of my journey, slowly fading. With this realization, I know that although my thru hike is over, I need to focus on practicing the lessons of the trail. I need to take time to seek out the Reality which is always there and permeates the sometimes "unreal" world we live in. This Reality was so much more easily perceived while on the trail, and that is why I miss the trail.The quote I added to the end of my 9/22 entry, really resonated with meaning for me. Fullfilling this hike has been a real turning point, because it has shown me that I can achieve anything I really set out to do, once I make a wholehearted and dedicated commitment towards making it happen. I know it may be an effort now but I need to and have made a commitment to keep alive the gift I received on the trail.