Date: 2011-04-25
To: Prep #6 Planning Thoughts
Miles today: 0.0

As promised this post contains some of those thoughts we rarely like to share beyond our own minds.Went for an amazing 7 mile hike a few days ago. It was beautiful. The waves were very calm, no white caps and just gently meeting the rocks. The wind was unusually light and just barely made its mark. No bugs. Sun and warm (ish) weather. It was a wonderful way to spend a few hours. My new hiking shoes are broken in and feel great. Walks like these create such a longing to be out on the trail doing this thing.And yet, I would be lying if I said I didn¢t have my doubts. Oh no don¢t worry, I know I¢m going to hike the AT; all 2000+ miles of it. I¢ve invested too much energy, funds, dreams and ego into this thing not to see it through. I am nothing if not stubborn and I have a long history of seeing things through no matter how much it hurts or how miserable it is. But there are moments when I think, ¢what if I hate it? What if my knees and ankle never get strong enough to handle this and every step is pure misery? What if I find myself dreaming only of warm showers and fluffy beds?¢ Despite my known love of hiking and my constant desire to challenge myself with new struggles, I guess my greatest fear is that I will get out there and spend 6 months dreading what the next day will be. From reading trailjournals and forums I know that completing a thru is mostly a mental battle. And I figure for me, that battle is going to be staying positive and adjusting my thinking to absolutely accept every aspect of the trail and find the joy in it. Also in knowing when I need to sooth myself with distraction. When it¢s rainy and cold, I can appreciate a warm cup of tea and the way the rain makes everything appear greener. When it¢s windy and cold, I can glory in the way the world moves (those who know me, know I LOVE wind, kind of a freak about it). When it¢s humid and hot and my skin is peeling away from my body, I can remind myself of those cold winters in Maine when all I wanted was to feel this way. When the bugs start in and I simply can find no release, I can build a smoky fire and let my pyromania take over. I can escape into my daydreams or concentrate on feeling my body move so that I can revel in the intricate play of tendons, bones, nerves, and muscles that allow me to accomplish every new step. Overall, I¢m a positive person, but it¢s a pretty mammoth task to ask my mind and body to commit to a singular task for 6 months straight. Hike your own hike is the mantra for anyone attempting a thru or section hike and there really is no wrong way to go about it. It is important that every person fight to get out of their experience exactly what they wanted to; whether that is solitude and connection with nature, taking it slow to appreciate views and making sure they are physically enjoying their experience, or wanting to pass every blaze until the end. The fact of the matter is less than 75% of the people who set out to complete a thru hike do. There are many causes for getting off the trail including injury, family emergency, lack of funds, or simply finding out that it¢s not the journey for you or you have already accomplished what you wanted to get out of the experience. I think it¢s important to realize that the only standard that anyone should meet is the one they set for themselves. But by and large, we are all guilty of rationalizing or allowing ourselves to make excuses for not completing the goals we truly wish to accomplish. I only consider something I did not accomplish a failure if I can look back and know that I did not give it my all. In my past I have both worked hard to push through pain and hardship to experience amazing triumphs big and small, and I have allowed myself to fail and tried to convince myself otherwise with excuses. So that is what it comes down to for me. No matter what happens out there, I want to look back and know that no matter what was thrown at me, I gave everything I had. I want to feel deep inside, deeper than rationalization or thought, in my gut I want to know that there was nothing more I could have given.But still, in my darkest times that little voice that always pops up to hold you back whispers seductively, ¢See now, if you hadn¢t told anyone you wanted to do this we could have ended it now and kept these moments of dread and self doubt to ourselves. And no one would have been the wiser¢. Except of course, ME. So what¢s my saving grace and how do I reconcile this major desire I have with those little nagging voices? Even when I¢m feeling bloated and tired and sick of work and it¢s cold and dreary and I finally decide to take a moment for myself, what I find myself doing is reading trailjournals, making gear lists, and thinking ¢I should go hike, it¢ll lift my spirits¢.   But that¢s just a thought. What let¢s me know I¢m ready and that this is what I want to do? It¢s that I do get up, I put on my wet boots and I head out into that dreary cold weather. When my feet hit that trail, my soul soars.