Date: 2015-09-06
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: overcast clouds

It's strange how life and happiness change.Ten months ago, I removed all of the pictures of Jim from my room. I emptied the frames and stowed the photos in a box under my bed, along with seven years' worth of notes and reminders. It was a sad day. It took me a long time to be ready to move those photos out of sight. I guess I just wasn't ready to let go. Part of my heart was clinging on in the hopes that maybe he would change his mind, move back home, and we would live happily ever after.Today, I filled those frames with new pictures! Pictures of white blazes, smelly hikers, and the sun cutting through the trees on the Appalachian Trail, and my mom and pizza fairy in Damascus. It felt good to fill those frames.A year ago, I was struggling to keep my head above water after my best friend broke my heart (okay, that sounds more than a little dramatic, but it's true).I'm still struggling, but not as much. The sharp pain has subsided to a dull ache.I am not the same person I was a year ago, or five months ago, or even one month ago.Am I Red Panda now, as well as Danielle?Of course. Are they one and the same? Kind of, but not really. Sometimes I don't feel like Red Panda at all. I don't particularly feel like I want to climb a mountain or be caked in mud and sweat. However, I do know that I am capable of it.People ask me if I feel like I can do anything now. I kind of hate this question, because I don't really know how to answer it. Sure, I know I can climb mountains and hike and be filthy for months. It's not comparable to so many other aspects of life, though. I know that my determination is strong, but everyone has limitations. Sure, I can thru-hike the AT, but I can't draw amazingly detailed creatures like my sister can. I can't do that. I lack the ability. No amount of determination can change that.I suppose that I do feel more confident in my ability to suck it up and stick to things though.I think that most of all, I now understand that things usually aren't as hard as they seem like they will be. I expect things to be so difficult, because I am anxious or nervous or people have told me horror stories... but things don't seem to be so bad. The Wilderness wasn't bad. The Whites were hard, but not killers. Mahoosuc Notch was difficult, but also fun. I feel like this applies to a lot in life.The only thing that is difficult is not being a huge freaking pig. I can't quite beat down the biker hunger yet. I am determined to banish my thigh rub! But snacks are waiting for me... so many snacks... delicious snacks...Anyway, back to trail insights. The trail changed me. How could it not?!And as to finding what I was looking for... well... I still have no idea what I want to do next in life (besides eventually hike the Bibbumun Track). However, I did find an amazing adventure, better than any that I could have experienced through page or screen. I don't think I could ask for more than that.And I have even more amazing friends now. The Aussie Legs and Coco and Magnus stopped and spent time with me at mom and Dan's house before continuing to travel back into real life. Amazing people and an amazing adventure...So yes, I guess I did find what I needed, even if it wasn't "what I was looking for" (and I have no idea what I was looking for, really). I found some solitude. I found individuality and independence. I got over Jim a little. I enjoyed so much delicious junk food and pizza. So much. Too much. It was almost totally worth it, too. I may never have the chance to have such an awesome adventure again!It still feels surreal. Sometimes it feels like the trail never happened (but the size of my butt, the stiffness in my joints, and the pain in my feet then remind me that it certainly was quite real). Sometimes it feels like it was just a dream. It ended so quickly and the business of life swept over me almost instantly. Here I am again, packing my clothes, doing laundry, vacuuming the floor, and cooking dinner.I hate that I am back to an ordinary life. At the same time, I love the comfort of it. I was worried about returning home, but it still really feels like HOME. The trail cleared my head enough that I don't find sad stupid memories in every object anymore. Stashing all those sad reminder objects in the box under my bed also helped.Eventually, my body will heal and I will be able to run again. I will return to Maine for my internship and life will resume as normal. But it won't be the same. The world is different now. I see it differently. It's like traveling overseas and realizing how narrow your world was, how narrow your thinking was, before you experienced the size and variety of the earth.The trail helped me realize the variety of people the world, both the overwhelmingly good and the bad. It helped me realize how narrow I was, even after living in Seoul.It also made me love simplicity. I came home and filled garbage bags and resisted the urge to purge myself of the vast majority of my belongings. Unfortunately, I inherited some of my mother's sentimental side, which restricts me from throwing away some emotionally significant items, no matter how ridiculous.I hiked 2,189.2 miles this year. I am thankful that I can say that.