Date: 2005-06-09
From: Gatlinburg, Tennessee

To: Standing Bear Farms Hostel
Miles today: 37.0
Weather: light rain

Everybody:Anybody that knows me knows that I'm long-winded, so I will quit apologizing for my long emails, because you probably already expect them anyways, and I'm never one to disappoint. Even somebody of few words would have a lot to say about the crazy crap that has been happening to us out here!My last email told you about our whacked-out experience with the squatting drug-kids of Gatlinburg, and their squatter-king, Matt. We got the heck outta there, and walked right into the National Park, where our next mission was to find a ride 15 miles up to Newfound Gap, where we needed to get to to pick up the trailhead. We were at one of the park's visitor information centers, thinking it'd be easy to score a ride from someplace with so many friendly tourists, many of whom would be going up there, since it's one of the most popular places in the park. We were wrong.This was our first slap-in-the-face realization: no girls standing there hitching with you makes for a MUCH tougher hitch-hike!! We kept walking around the visitor center, backpacks on, looking very much like hikers. We figured this would be a sure-fire way to get a ride, because we looked official, you know? Bad idea. People stared, commented on our fragrant odor, and called us names!! One lady pulled her kids away from us, and said, "...stay away from those drifters!" Drifters? That's harsh, lady! Other people made mention of nomads and vagrants when talking about us; it's amazing how little knowledge (of what we're doing) so many people have! Ignorance breeds a lack of tolerance, and these people were not tolerating our presence very well at all!We finally caught a ride from the most unlikely source. A middle-aged guy with his girlfriend, in a VERY pristine, newer model Lincoln Town Car. Is was jet-black, and you could check your style (or lack thereof) in the reflection off of his paint. The inside looked as if it had never been touched! We got in, and the fun began; the questions about our hike, what we did, and how we did it. All of the chatting and questions were from him, as his lady friend said maybe two words the whole drive up the mountain. He told us about his buddy, who goes out and lives for a month in the woods each year, to "find Jesus." He also told us that he made his own money by being in the logging industry, which I found to be a bit contradictory for a nature-lover and conservationist like himself!Now, before I go any further, know that I am NOT making fun of anybody because of their particular ethnicity. That's not my style. Anyways, this guy had a very hard-to-understand Asian accent. He bragged of his great adventures, told us of his courageous nature (with no amount of modesty!), and did it all with a quite comical accent that was gramatically incorrect in the funniest ways. Anybody that knows me can probably hear my rendition of this voice (since I do so many voices so badly!!), so just imagine this next part in that voice (or your own version, if it sounds better). He felt the need to tell us about the time that CBS contacted him to be on a season of Survivor. Now, most people have to "apply" to be on the show; you know, send in a video, that sort of thing. Not this guy. No, he was in demand! They wanted, in his words (use the accent here), a "tough asian guy," to balance the show out with all the wannabe model people that they always have on the show. It was, perhaps, one of the top five funniest moments out here so far, and I can hear him saying it in my head like it was yesterday. His girlfriend said nothing until we got out of the car, when, prompted by our goodbyes, she sort of mumbled "goodbye." I don't think she liked us too well.At Newfound Gap, on Memorial Day, there were naturally a whole load of tourists. I knew from being here the year before that we'd get a warm reception, unlike what we had received at the visitor center earlier in the day. Sure enough, we pulled on the packs, and the games began. People bum-rushed us with questions about what we were doing, and what it was like. People took pictures of us (some tried to sneak the pictures while they thought we weren't looking, and others had the nerve to ask us to put the packs on). One group of ladies from Minnesota asked us what we missed most while being on the trail, and before Ben or Cody could respond, I blurted out, "sodas!" I knew they probably had some in their car, and I wasn't gonna pass up an opportunity to get my hands on one last Coke before strolling off into the woods again for days. It worked! We all got a Coke, and they got several pictures of us in exchange. One family had their two daughters pose with us, because they thought we might make the cover of Sports Illustrated! I kid you not, they were TOTALLY serious, and it was hilarious, because the kids definitely wanted nothing to do with us, and stood there frightened as their parents snapped away at the camera. I didn't have the heart to tell them that we weren't the first people to try to do this; it was nice to have a couple minutes of my 15 minutes of fame!!Okay, back into the woods. Ran into more day-hikers that didn't speak any English in the first mile than I would have expected, and other than that, most of the hike was uneventful. We got so tired and delirious that we started playing "the name game," to pass the time while we were walking. You know, that dorky little game where you say a famous person's name, then the next person has to use the first letter of that person's last name as the first letter of the first name of the person that they are saying. Did that make sense? Anyways...That got us to Peck's Corner Shelter, where they pen horses next to the water source (the Smokies are the only place on the AT where horses are allowed). Horses relieving themselves in my drinking water is NOT my idea of fun. Anyways, we slept there, and woke up to leave the next day, only to see one of the men that we were staying with at the shelter standing near a tree, butt-naked, bathing himself!! I just go around stinking until I get to some running water in a town, and according to my eyes, it would have been better if this guy had done the same!! Yikes! He did sort of a wave, and yelled, "have a good hike!" We all said "thanks," with our heads focused squarely on the ground directly in front of our feet. With that, we were off.From the shelter, we had about 23 miles left to get out of The Great Smoky Mountains National Park, and we decided to do our longest day yet, and knock it all out. It was a haul-ass pace, especially considering that I'm by far the slowest of the three of us, but it went well. We did the whole thing in about 7 or 8 hours! So, after nearly 75 miles of the Smokies, zero bear sightings, one naked-Canadian-man-bathing sighting, about 30 drugged-up-squatter kids-from-Gatlinburg sightings, one really-goofy-ridgerunner sighting, one black snake sighting, and about 200 really comical tourist sightings. The scenery? It was great, don't get me wrong, but other hikers hype the Smokies to no end, and perhaps because of that, the park disappointed a bit. Still a great experience, though.We hit Davenport Gap, the northern end of the park, and Ben managed to get a cell phone signal. We were dead-tired after our haul, and needed a place to rest. There were two hostels within a couple of miles, and so we looked in our books and called the numbers. One lady, at "Mountain Mama's," told us that she in fact WAS Mountain Mama, and that yes, the hostel was open, and that no, the kitchen was not, and then proceeded to hang up on us! Strike one. Next, Ben called Standing Bear Farms, where the lady offered to pick us up right were we were, rather than make us walk the extra four miles. Sweet! My legs felt like jello that has been slung around really fast inside of a ziploc bag in the air for twenty minutes, so I was game to not walk another step if I didn't have to. Maria (the owner's wife) picked us up in a minivan with little kids' stickers ALL over the windows, and told us stories about how mean Mountain Mama was; I sensed a slight rivalry there. Things were looking good: a rest, some time to catch up on my journal, and some food that does NOT contain either the word "Ramen" or the word "Noodles."So, Standing Bear Farms Hiker Hostel, here we come...Wake up and stop drooling on your keyboard; I'm done!!Talk to everybody soon,CHRIS "Loofa"