Date: 2003-08-22
From: Kent, Conn.

To: Kent, Conn.
Miles today: 0.0

zero day in Kent, Conn.What is that we say about the best laid plans?? Woke up this morning to the sound of a train coming through our room. At least it sounded like it. The tracks are 20 feet away. I am sure glad it was not a busy track!! Mudbutt and I headed down the street for breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, juice, coffee and milk hit the spot. We enjoyed a leisure breakfast, reading the paper and catching up on world news. We had intended to hike out today, but Mudbutt had gotten a disturbing email from home last night and was up most of the night trying to decide what to do. Go home and help out in the family business or keep on hiking. Her conscience won out and she decided to go home for a week or so. The rest of the morning was spent making arrangements for her to get home. Of course that left me in a position where I certainly did not want to be. Alone again hiking north. I have to be honest and say this is not very easy for me. I never wanted to hike by myself. When Mudbutt was home with a broken foot, I was miserable. The happiest day on the trail was the day she met me in Pearisburg ready to hike again. The worse day was the day she left with a broken foot. So today will be the next to worse day for me. While she was sick in Harpers Ferry, I had Papermaker to hang out with and occupy my time. Sleeptalker also spent some time with us. I think every day I held my breath, waiting for her to tell me she was going home. I think I used her sickness as a reason to stay away from her as much as I could. Maybe subconsiously thinking if I didn't see her she couldn't tell me she was going home. The thought never occured to me to hike on and let her catch up with me. She is my partner, and I am committed to hiking with her. I know the level of my committment to her, but I do not know hers to me. I know what she says and I want to beleive that, but there is this trust issue with me, along with more than serious abandonment issues. I cannot think of any of the important people in my life growing up that kept their word or earned my trust. It just wasn't there. I learned early to trust no one and count on no one either. I could trust and count on myself. Those kinds of ingrained beliefs, however tainted are hard to break. But I beleive that these are some of the lessons that I need to learn out here. Learn to trust people, to beleive in people to expereince the warmth that comes from healthy relationships. What a difficult step this is. I looked into Mudbut's eyes as she promised me she would be back in short order. My heart wanted so badly to beleive her, but that little voice in my head told me differently. I just kinda tuned her out and even when she made me repeat after her several times that she was coming back, I still was just mouthing the words. It is like my head and my heart are at conflict with what to beleive. It sure feels dumb to be my age and not be able to take someone at their word. Especially someone who has proven to be truthful and trustworthy. Once again, I have lessons to learn, beleifs to be tested and stinking thinking to let go of. As we ere walking back to our room this morning, we met a couple of hikers. You can always tell hikers by their shoes. Either hiking boots or campshoes!! We introduced ourselves and chatted with them before moving on. We were not in our room very long before one of them was knocking on our door inviting me to stay with them tonight and hike out in the morning. More trust issues to resolve for me. Giant steps out from behind a wall of solid concrete, that has protected me all my life. Walls I built, painstakingly one block at a time, getting stronger and stronger with each disappointment or hurt in my life. Of course these walls also kept me separated from almost everyone. There have only been a select few that I have let get a glimspe behind the wall, and even those few I still wonder if they are safe for me. Even my relatioship with my heavenly Father has been hampered by this wall. It has taken me years to trust him completely. To give myself to his will, knowing he wants only the best for me. I do not have to earn his love, he loves me no more or less. The depth of his love for me is not dependent on my behavior. I cannot earn his love, I cannot lose his love. It is just there for each of us. A constant unconditional love from my heavenly Father. I will trust him to guide me and to teach me, to allow me the priviledge to see things as they really are, and not what I think they are based on a skewed belief. There is no goodnight from Mudbutt tonight. I feel alone in a room with other hikers. But, I will take one small step and reach out to strangers, who are really only friends we haven't met yet. I struggle as I take down yet another brick out of that wall. I take a deep breath and open my heart, and my mind. There were no miles today, not too many smiles either, tomorrow will be better. Proverbs 3 :5 and 6 comes to my mind. It will serve to remind me that I can learn to trust.