Date: 2011-08-22
From: Franconia Notch

To: Skipping the Kinsmans
Miles today: 0.0

August 22nd Nate and I woke up in the motel room and I started packing, but nothing felt right... I kept crying... I couldn't stop. I was worried about hiking the Kinsmans alone, I have tried hiking them twice, the first time I got most of the way up South Kinsman and turned around because of snow, the second time I was almost to the top of North Kinsman when my mother broke her wrist... these mountains have challenged me to say the least, and my friend were already a day ahead so I didn't want to go. This is when I decided that Nate would drop me off on the north side of Moosilauke where I would hike a mile and a half in to the Beaver Brook Shelter. I cried the whole car ride there, I ate my breakfast sandwich at the trail head and cried... do you know how hard it is to eat and cry at the same time?... very difficult. It took about 20 minutes of crying to decide that I wasn't going to hike today. Nate and I drove back to Gilford where he dropped me off at my Nana's house. This is where I have had time to reflect....Why am I doing this hike? I have twisted my ankle three times now... fallen and hit my head... I have no hiking partner anymore... what the hell am I doing this for? I wish I had the answer, and the trail won't give it to me... people come out here to look for answers when actually the answers are in them all along... so why am I doing this? Because I have always wanted to....? Is it what I have imagined it would be? (yes and no) People told me the trail is mostly mental and emotional... I think I can handle it, but it is so difficult... I can't even describe it. I miss home. All I want to do is stay at home. Maybe things would be different if I were hiking north and I hit NH when I was so close to finishing... not starting. I have now taken 6 days of zeros... just in NH. It is difficult to walk away from home... I didn't think it would be this hard. I am emotionally drained, but I also know that I can endure a lot of emotional things, as I have in my past. So I guess today is my day to say goodbye to home for a while. This is more difficult than I could ever imagine... I spent the day with my good friend Kelsey and her mother Nancy (Kelsey is like a sister while Nancy is like my second mother) while Nate was at work, it was great to talk to people who love me and ones that aren't as involved in my trail journey and have a fresh perspective. I love them so much, it meant the world to me to have them listen to my turmoil and just be there.Kelsey drove me home, Nate got off from work, it was time to sleep off the fits of crying and emotional distress... Tomorrow is another day... the Kinsmans will always be there... but am I ready to hike again?... Can I say goodbye?... NOTE: I don't mean to keep mentioning my crying... its depressing, I know... the only way I know how to deal with my feelings is to write, talk about it, or just cry. I am normally a very happy person, and Rickshaw says I'm one of the most happy go lucky people he knows, but my journal reveals my inner emotions and I hope that anyone reading this doesn't think I have only sad things on this journey.... there are many happy things too.