Date: 2003-04-14
From: Cheoah Bald

To: Cody Gap
Miles today: 10.7
Weather: few clouds

start Cheoah Balddestination Cody GapPart One:I had pitched my tent so that the sun would beam in as it rose this morning.I was not disappointed.I had Tang and stale cereal for breakfast and was on the trail by 8:30 From there it became a roller coaster ride both physically and emotionally.The hike was fairly pleasent although there were some kick it out of you climbs.Knee grinding, ankle twisting climbs.I am still upset that I was left behind yesterday.I am poor company again for Pushing up Daisies. I get to Stecoah Gap for lunch and learn that I will not be hiking any more with SilverLining or Hiker Biker Babe.I do not know what happened,but it is now obvious to me that I do not need to try to catch up with them.I feel like someone has kicked me in the stomach.I have to work to catch my breath.My disappointement comes flooding back,I really did enjoy their company.I also realize that the intensity of my emotions and feelings do not match the level of disappointment at this turn of events.I begin to apply what is called the 90/10 rule.Usually when we get upset over something that happens in our life,only about 10% of our reaction and or pain is relevant to the now.The other 90% is usually brought up to the present from something in our past.As Pushing Up Dasies And I climb,she asks how my feet are doing.I have to bite my lip just to reply okay.Then she asks how my spirit is doing.On the verge of tears,I reply"well,not too good"I go on to tell her how disappointed I am to be hiking without my friends.She doesn't say anything else.Eventually I pass her and am alone with my thoughts once again.I am still struggling not to burst into tears.As I look at the 90% ,I realize that all of my life has been filled with people who abandon me,usually without a word.This starts even with my parents as I am growing up.It continues throughout my life with different people.They do not have to physically leave to abandon me,sometimes it is just the lack of being there emotionally.And sometimes it was not deliberate abandonment,but just a series of ill timed circumstances.Before my hike,I would tell people that I was not coming out here to find myself,but rather to let go of who I am not,both good and bad.I sense that I am about to let go of some baggage that I have carried from childhood.Beleifs that are not nessesarily true. I finally break down and cry,remembering all the times I had felt abandoned.I told God all about them .I am amazed at how deeply I was still hurting from those times.Being a child in an alcoholic family does really harsh things to your beleif system.You take on the characteristics that you think will get you the love and acceptance you need so badly.I finally just give in and start crying.I cryed all the harder as I struggled up mountain after mountain.Sometimes I had to stop just to be able to breathe. I sobbed until I was empty and could cry no more.So many times from the past that had been buried because they were too painful for a child to deal with.And so many times as an adult that I just could not deal with.Then it was time for the Lord to intervene.He swept down from heaven and lifted me up into his arms and comforted me as only one who understands could do.I realize how he must hurt when his children abandon him.And how he longs to bring us peace and healing into !our lives.We only have to trust him and release those hurts to him.I hike on for a while until I realize that indeed when I called on him today,he was right there.He did not take the scars away,he healed the wounds and wiped the hurt away with his hands.The same hands that were nailed to a cross for me.Again I feel lighter,and I hike on amazed at his grace.But he is not finished with me and these issues.As I hike,I come into a gap that is ablaze with wild flowers.Blues and whites and yellows.I wish I knew the names of them.I recognize trilliums and violets.I stop to get a closer look at them.It is then that the Lord speaks to my heart."Child remember my word that says that the flowers of the field are clothed with my splendor.Look at these beautiful flowers.They are not struggeling to be something different.They are being what I created them to be.It is not hard and they do not cry when someone passes them by without a thought.they continue to be a thing of beauty regardless of what others think or expect.Some people will pass them by without a glance.Some will just look for a short moment,and go on.Others will admire their beauty from a distance.And then there are those that will stop and admire the beauty and come back time and time to get a closer lookThey will take t!his beauty into their heart.Very few will really stop to admire the true beauty that is there.Yet the flowers keep on doing what they were created to do.That's what I want you to do.Keep on praising me and sharing me with others and leave the results to me." I stood in awe of this gift from God,and began to thank him for taking yet another piece of unhealthy beliefs from my shoulders.I think about all the different times that I tried to be however I felt I needed to be to sustain a relationship.I thought that I needed to change in order to have the relationship.I can even remember trying to change the crazy way I laughed because the person didn't like it.These are the things I am freed of today.I am grateful beyond expression. I am still disappointed not to be with my hiker friends.I think that a little better communication would have been helpful.It sure would have made me feel better,but then I would probably have missed an opportunity to be made whole in another area of my life,by a loving and compassionate God.I know in the days and weeks,and yes even in the months and years ahead there will be plenty of times for the Lord to hold me as I hurt,to heal me and comfort me.Today has been a day of letting go of unhealthy and painful beliefs.Today,I have been releived of a lifetime of abandonment issues.Today I feel like I have really begun the journey of becoming the person God created me to be.I feel light and alive. I meet a older couple who are out for a day hike.They are in their seventies,and are doing a 10 mile hike.I do not get their names,but I am impressed that they are out here on a rugged section and enjoying themselves.They are role models for me.They came into my life for a few moments,but I take them into my heart,because they are worth knowing. I beat Pushing up Daisies to Cody Gap and hike down to get my water for supper.I take my boots off and try to soak my feet in the stream.Yes,I get my water first!Part Two:The water is so cold I can't keep my feet in long,but it feels great .After supper,it is warm enough to sit out for awhile.We just sit and enjoy the feeling of being free from our boots.We finally crawl in our tents.After a few minutes,Pushing Up Daisies wants to ask me a question."Is it okay if I hike with you?"she askd from her tent.I cannot figure why she would even want to hike with me.Again I tell her that I am a crabby old woman.She does not tell me no I am not,because we both know that I have been crabby.She says,"Well you have had reason to be .But if you keep saying you are a crabby old woman,you will have a fourth trail name."I know I am bumpkin also known as BTG Bible Toten Granny.And I have been called fancy pants ,but I will save that story for another day."I tell her I cannot be crabby old woman,because the initials would be c.o.w.We both burst into laughter.I say "Okay,if you want to hike with me,so be it."She thanks me and we say goodnight.I am lulled to sleep listening to a Barred owl as he sings from a distant tree.Then I hear a still small voice saying "Maybe she wants to take a closer look at this beautiful flower I created"I smile and fall asleep."until next time,bumpkintotal miles 10.7