Date: 2015-07-10
From: Tyringham 

To: Home!
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: clear sky

I only spent a couple of hours as Red Panda today, but spent many as Danielle.Being back in the "real world" is strange after spending so much time on the trail. One time, when talking to Chris, I called it the "real world" and he said, "I think this is the real world."Another time, when talking about the trail, he said the opposite. The trail is strange. It is so separate from the daily lives we are used to leading. Even though the trail intersects with roads, passes through towns, and carries day hikers smelling of fabric softener, we forget about the routines and habits we are used to. Life becomes a routine of wake, eat, pack, hike, rest, hike, eat, hike, camp, do chores, cook, sleep. But in real life, there's so much MORE. Friends, family, going out to dinner, taking out the garbage (instead of just throwing away a ziploc bag in whatever trash can you can find), feeding the cat, cleaning the refrigerator, vacuuming the rug, DRIVING. Tonight I drove home in the dark. IT WAS SO WEIRD! Usually, if it's dark, I'm SLEEPING. It was disorienting to be in a car, at night, moving. I felt so enclosed in the darkness, my night vision ruined by the glare of headlights.Coming home, the daily life I used to lead seems so strange. It's weird to sleep in a bed, with stagnant air around me. It's strange to eat a meal NOT in my cook set or a plastic bag. It's odd to brush my teeth with an electric toothbrush. I woke up this morning and opened my curtains. Curtains! I am unaccustomed to being surrounded by so many THINGS that are not plants, dirt, or rocks. I'm not used to peeing indoors! I have to be more careful to make sure I pee when I have the chance. I have become so used to waiting until I really have to go, and then dashing off the side of the trail to empty my bladder. I can pee almost any time and in any place, when I am on the trail, especially lately (in the south, there were a lot of times when the trail was just too steep to pee safely). In real life, though, I can't do that. I have to actually find a bathroom. I keep having to remind myself, "Pee now so your bladder won't explode in the car!"I am unaccustomed to hearing my real name so often. I don't even hear "Red Panda" that much on the trail, unless I am introducing myself. Even when hiking with Chris, he rarely addressed me by name. We were always together, he didn't need to single me out to get my attention. But tonight, I got introduced to Matt and Jeralyn's relatives and friends as "Danielle", or "Danio", as her mother calls me. I have returned to real life, with a "real" name, my given name. I love my name, given to me by my parents. It has real meaning beyond a set of letters and sounds. I also love my trail name. As time passes, it becomes a greater part of me. I identify with "Red Panda" more and more with every day that I spend on the AT. And, of course, it has meaning as well, given to me by Trail Mentor Alexa (my favorite thru-hiker of all time).I feel like I am a different person when I use each of my different names. Red Panda is a wilderness woman, who isn't afraid of yelling at bears or scaling mountains. Danielle, however, is different. When I am Danielle, I am slower, lazier. Red Panda gets up at 5 and packs up Gertrude and hits the trail. But when Danielle's alarm goes off at 6, she turns it off and rolls back over in bed, enjoying the flannel snowflake sheets she is too lazy to change even though it clearly is not winter anymore.My two personalities are at war. Red Panda wants to hike, and eat. Danielle wants to sleep and sleep, and sleep some more (Danielle also really likes to eat, too, but is more worried about her fat butt growing than Red Panda is). Red Panda won out tonight and my belly is full of M&Ms. It's a good thing that I have 650 more miles to hike. I sure as heck won't lose weight, but maybe it'll stop me from gaining too much more (though I'm sure a few more pounds are inevitable at this point).Although I miss the trail, I enjoyed being Danielle today. I missed Jeralyn, and I missed her family (which might as well be my own, it feels). There is something about the presence of an old friend that just lends you comfort. I am lucky to have such a friend. Despite living apart for so long (I was in Korea for two years, then in Maine for months, then on the trail!), the bonds of friendship don't fade. Friendships like that aren't common, and I am so grateful for this one.Tomorrow will be a full day of preparation and celebration with some of my favorite people in the world. I will carry Red Panda with me, until I am ready to tuck Danielle back inside of me and resume my trail name and my role as intrepid forest explorer.I am grateful for friends and family. I have been typing that phrase, "friends and family" so often now. Soon, Connecticut will be far south and I will leave them behind. But I know that they will always be there, and that the trail will bring me new friends every day. Maybe, if I am lucky, I will even get to see my favorite trail bubble friends again, too.