Date: 2015-08-12
From: The Cabin, Andover

To: Sabbath Day Pond Lean-to
Miles today: 17.0

Today kind of sucked.I have to admit that there were many parts of it that I did not enjoy. The first of these was a depressing encounter with the bathroom scale. Red Panda is happy to be back in the woods burning off some of that Moose Tracks ice cream while avidly searching for moose tracks.I woke up at 5:30 and prepared to hit the trail, anxious as always after a stupidly long break. It was a gloomy morning, and I waited until the last minute to change out of my wonderful, comfortable cotton loaner clothes.In an attempt to avoid breakfast, I visited Honey and Bear early and requested leftovers, knowing that if I didn't, someone would come looking for me to drag me to breakfast. I got some spaghetti and, telling Bear that I needed to make a phone call, headed back downstairs to ring up my dear mommy, who was in the process of whipping up birthday treats for Rhonda. "Want a strawberry?" She asked, as if she could teleport one via Bluetooth. Of course I wanted a freaking strawberry. What a tease.I impatiently waited for everyone else (Honey, Bear, and the other 3 hiker guests: Kat, Pack, and D-do) to finish eating. I waited. And waited. I double-checked Gertrude, full of food and water. I ate some PopTarts in my typical gluttonous thoughtlessness. I washed my dishes.Eventually Kat appeared. Woo hoo! Time to go!I headed out the door, where Bear pulled up his truck."Is this enough?" I asked him, holding out $50. I had no idea how much to pay him for two nights, leftovers, and rides to and from the trail."That's way too much!" He replied, pulling $30 out and leaving me with the rest.I was kind of speechless. "Are you sure?!"Bear gave me a big grandfatherly hug. And then another. "Love you!" He said as he climbed into his truck, telling me to visit and to send a picture of myself on top of Katahdin.I officially have no heart left to melt.I usually forget, but I made sure I got Bear's picture before he headed out to drive Kat (who gave me a hug) and Pack (who gave me a fist-bump) back to Grafton Notch. They will slackpack for a couple days, returning to The Cabin for dinner and beds.Honey dropped me off at South Arm road, and continued on to bring D-do to Rangely. D-do is an odd dude. He was at Carlo Col shelter the night I stayed there. A veteran, hiking with an external frame pack, he told me this morning of his plans to buy pot in Stratton. Apparently he also told Silent Force that he pees a perimeter around his tent to keep away animals. People are weird.Then, I was alone to climb Old Blue Mountain. The suck began. My legs, lazy from yet another bout of off-trail comfort, were NOT having it. My calves burned and my knees ached. I stopped and stretched. Stopped and stretched. Stopped and stretched. Gertrude, fat and heavy on my back, cried to me, "That's what you get for packing so many snacks, pudgy!"And the trail was TERRIBLE. The Appalachian River flowed down that mountain. Try as I might, I couldn't keep my feet dry. At a certain point, you just have to know when to give up. There were places where it was impossible to find a dry route. My Merrells plunged into pudding mud more times than I can tell you. The trail was wet. It was slippery. It was steep and hard to navigate. My legs hurt and my frustration grew and I yelled at that trail. I told it that I hated it. I called it names.Every once in a while, I need a good cathartic cry. One has been building up for a while now. Every time I say goodbye to my parents on the phone, I get lame and teary. I am tired. I am homesick. My legs hurt. I hate my rubbing thighs. Sometimes, I just want to go home and hibernate in my bed for two weeks.So a cry was overdue, I think. And that stupid trail this morning put me over the edge. I slipped and fell. I slipped again, my foot sinking into the river-trail. I think I slipped about every fifteen minutes or so today.I didn't want to be that girl. I want to be badass Red Panda, AT hiker, capable of surviving the wilderness unscathed. But today crybaby Danielle needed to bawl her eyes out a bit. I'm only human, right? This is supposed to be an emotional journey as much as a physical one. IT'S OKAY IF I CRY.The elevation profile for the day looked so nice... but the trail wasn't easy. I sucked in sobs as I climbed Bemis Mountain. I COATED that mountain with emotional snot-rockets. I coughed and cried and passed a hiker in a miserable state. "I'm having an emotional day." I said apologetically as I passed her. She kindly asked, "Do you need a minute? Do you want to talk?"And maybe it would have helped to tell that stranger my "problems", but I said no. I needed to hike. I needed to burn off that emotion, and those ice cream calories. So I did. And I just kept slipping and sliding and bleeding and cursing my dear beloved AT.What was bothering me today?STUPID THINGS. Thoughts of Jim (it will soon be a year since I left Korea and last saw him... what a horrible goodbye that was). Thoughts of my twin sister, just married, in Japan, where I can't be. Thoughts of life after the trail. Thoughts of returning home, without twin or Jim. No matter how much time passes, that will always be weird.I need a new beginning. I am scared of going back to what I used to be, WHO I used to be. I don't want to lose Red Panda. Going home will turn me back into Danielle. I don't want to be that sad, heartbroken idiot I was six months ago. Mom, if I am too sad next month, just smack me and tell me to suck it up.The day was just SO LONG. It seemed like I was walking forever without actually getting anywhere. The last four miles were thankfully smoother and faster, but still not easy. There was one steep bit where I grappled with a tree in my attempts to pull myself up the ledge. Gertrude, being a jerk, got stuck on a higher branch, and I couldn't keep my balance. I slipped, adding some fresh new blood on my right leg. It matched the red on my left, from a morning tangle with a tree fallen across the trail (I WANT LONGER LEGS).I fell again about ten minutes later. IT IS SO SLIPPERY HERE.But then, the trail redeemed itself.Sabbath Day Pond shelter is indeed next to a pond. A very beautiful pond. I spent a nice chunk of time after my pond bath (a pleasantly warm bath, I might add) sitting and watching the birds flit about over the surface. Puffy clouds drifted overhead. Waves lapped at the shore, sea grass waving beneath the surface. My heart healed a little. THIS is why I am here. This is what I love. So what if I had to hike seventeen horrible miles to get here? It was worth it.Plus it was good for me to hike out my emotional. Hopefully tomorrow's hike will be better, since I will have survived my post-zero readjustment period.Oh! I also forded my first stream today. I was excited about this part, anticipating the stream listed in the book as I approached. IT WAS SO LAME. ONLY LIKE SIX INCHES DEEP. I took off my Merrells and walked across. I can't even say "waded across", it was so shallow. I was a bit disappointed.Then I had to climb another giant hill and got mad again... It's a good thing I have less than 250 miles left, I am getting to the point where looking up at the vertical trail in front of me just makes me want to snap.Anyway, I am in an awesome place. It just poured, but I am in my cozy sleeping bag, warm and dry and content. Life is good, as much as I stress about it. This is where I belong right now, and there is no place that I would rather be. I wouldn't trade this journey for anything, and that even includes the sucky parts.I hate having wet dead sailor feet.I am thankful for the amazing kindness of Honey and Bear. I am thankful for my mom, for telling me that I am doing a good job (my inner child needs that validation). I am thankful that I survived 4929272 falls today without serious injury. I am sorry that I can't be with my twin but thankful that she has found love.I am also thankful that there is only one other shelter resident (a southbounder named Chris... which makes me miss MY Chris, who isn't mine, but you know what I mean) who doesn't seem like he will be a snorer.I am thankful that my day of mud and roots and rocks is over. Maybe tomorrow will be better?!