Date: 2003-02-15
To: Hike or Die
Miles today: 0.0

Do you ever just know that if you continue on your current life path, you will die? That the day in and day out of the life you are leading will wear away that part of you that you have forgotten or had to put on hold in order to fulfill certain responsibilities? And that a large part of you will die or be lost forever if you don¢t take time soon to quiet the busy-ness of the body and the noisiness of the mind to really listen to your inner voice, grow your soul, and follow your internal compass? It is these feelings that have brought me to hiking the Appalachian Trail in my 38th year and to write this journal.There are moments in life when the body and mind are kept busy enough that you can listen to something deeper. In everyday life the moments for me usually came when I was doing some sort of repetitive but physically demanding work like mowing the lawn or cleaning the house. While my body was in motion and my mind busy giving out commands to guide the body, another voice emerged that was sitting back and watching this all happen very objectively ¢ a peaceful voice of laughter and wisdom. Perhaps it is what the Eastern religions call Nirvana. Perhaps it is what Western Religions call Meditation or God or a higher power. Call it what you like, to me it is my guide, it is a part of me that I must now explore or forever lose.Just yesterday, I caught a glimpse of my guide. I was swimming and walking in a pool. It took 15 minutes of this activity before I felt its presence bubbling to the surface. It was the giddy happiness of fulfilling one¢s dreams. It was the thrill of following an adventure despite the pressure from the rest of the world to be gainfully employed and to get busy feathering my nest. It was a soothing reassurance that it was time to give back to myself, since most of my life has been in service to others. It was a childish laughter ready to embrace the world anew, a deep laughter I have not felt since before my days of living amongst land mines and working in war zones. It was a feeling that I could learn to once again rely on life to provide come what may while hiking the trail. And a sense that all my preparation will only take me so far if I cannot step forth in trust. My guide brings with it inspiration for living and beckons me to take up those dreams I have put on hold. One of those dreams is of playing guitar and singing, something I enjoy doing and do fairly well, but have not had the inspiration nor the time and attention to develop it. So back down to earth, I tell my guide that a Backpacker guitar weighs six pounds. Six pounds to add to the pack of nearly fifty pounds that I will have to carry over the rough terrain. Fifty pounds of essentials ¢ food, clothing, tents, first aid kit, cooking utensils, cookstove and other vital items. How can I justify this six pounds of music? I don¢t! I just feel like I have to use it or lose it, so the guitar is going!I know my hiking partner, Carol, must think that I am insane for wanting to carry the guitar. She¢s wondering (and I am too) if I will make it without the guitar. She has good reason to wonder. I am O-U-T O-F S-H-A-P-E. One more reason for hiking the trail is that I feel like if I don¢t take this time to get healthy, I will die. Okay, so we are all going to die, but I don¢t want to die slowly by disease if I can avoid it and a lot of diseases are linked to food. Food and I go way back and it has been a constant struggle to strike a balance with my weight. I¢m not freakishly concerned to the extent of being a fanatic, and I don¢t think I need to look like some of those models in the magazines, but I do want to be healthy and be a little lighter - about 50 pounds. I guess if I just took off my backpack that would solve that¢¦ha,ha. It¢s ironic that I will have to get heavier to get lighter. Another irony is that I will have to eat unhealthy to get healthy. It¢s difficult to carry fresh vegetables and fruit in abundance on the trail, so one must live off of sodium high, preservative packed food. Life is full of paradoxes.Yvonne