Date: 2013-06-15
From: home

To: home
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: broken clouds

Well, I'm going back to the trail tomorrow. Not to finish, but to hike for another couple of weeks, and then return home on my own terms to resume my life.It was actually not my idea, it was St. Mike's. I had only been home a couple of days when he surprised me--shocked me, actually--by telling me he thought I should go back to the trail. My first thought was, "Aren't you glad I'm home? Why do you want me to go back? Are you trying to get rid of me?" My second thought was, "But I don't want to go back!" My third thought was, "Yes you do, you know you do, you are dying to go back, you're just lying to yourself!" Then I started losing track of in which order the thoughts were flooding my brain, but somewhere along the way I realized that this was another example of the unselfishness that makes St. Mike a saint. Yes, he was happy to have me home, and no, he did not want to get rid of me, but he realized that I was unhappy, and confused, and not making good decisions, and that the trail was a big piece of unfinished business for me, and that if I didn't go back I would always regret it. I didn't come around to his way of thinking right away. I really didn't think I wanted to go back out there, for several days, but eventually I stopped lying to myself and realized he was right. I want and need to go back to the trail. I am not happy with the way that my hike ended. I know I can't finish the entire AT this year, but I can walk another two weeks or so, and quit when I am ready to quit, and not when I am overwhelmed by circumstances. I am feeling better now, after a hard few weeks. I think I've been a bit depressed, and even traumatized. I'm taking sam-E now, a supplement that helps both mood and joints, so it should be doing double duty for me! The parade at Trail Days comes back to haunt me at odd times, like when a car drove slowly past me in a parking lot, or when I was in the middle of a crowd walking down a sidewalk to a Braves game. I feel a momentary panic and get a good rush of adrenaline, then it passes. All of this is overlaid with the sorrow--still fresh--of losing my mother. I would be a good actress now, I can cry on demand. I have always thought of myself as an emotionally strong person, as well as a very private one, and it makes me feel very vulnerable to be putting all this personal information out there, but I'm trying to be honest about my hike. Maybe it will help someone else, I can't be the only person to ever go through something like this. But it really is all lifting now, and I honestly am feeling better. I know that I am emotionally strong enough now to face the trail again. So I've been home for two and a half weeks, and I'm going back tomorrow, to Greasy Creek Gap (again!). My initial plan (although I know by now that plans are worthless) is to hike to Damascus, which is about 100 miles. Damascus seems like a good place to stop. When I get to Damascus, if I'm still feeling good and enjoying the hike, I may go on for another 40 miles to make an even 500 mile total hike. I think the hiking will be entirely different, this time around. For one thing, the weather. Hopefully no more freezing nights, hail, ice, or frost! But in their place I will have heat, which will be just as hard to deal with, and require a different hiking strategy. I'm thinking of hiking more in the early mornings, and later into the evenings, and maybe taking a couple of hours off in the heat of the day to sit beside a creek or stream, if I can find one. They were so plentiful early in my hike, when it was too cold to entertain the idea of sitting in one. I could even set up my hammock, it goes up so quickly, and take a nap in the shade. Another difference, there won't be any thruhikers around, they've all gone north. I think the trail will be quite busy where I will be starting from though, because it is close to Roan Mountain, and it is the peak of rhododendron season. Should be a lot of day hikers or section hikers around. I've got to go pack the green monster! I've never really unpacked it, except for the food, and the dirty clothes. It's just been sitting there, waiting for me to come back. Well, I'm ready, and I'm back!