Date: 2015-07-27
From: Matt and Jeralyn's

To: Concrete milepost
Miles today: 19.2

I am struggling again.I set out from Hanover after saying goodbye to Matt and Jeralyn and began a frustrating day.My legs were stiff, muscles tight. After two and a half lazy days, it felt like my muscles had atrophied. My expanding waistline and skyrocketing BMI mean that I am carrying more weight (lots more).So I was frustrated. It always takes me a while to readjust to the trail after a break, but today it was probably harder than ever before. My legs just wouldn't work. My attitude wasn't good, and I hiked angry with regret of eating too many cookies and letting my body forget that it's job isn't over yet. It still needs to keep in top hiking shape, for at least a few more weeks.I have been piling on extra calories. My multiple breaks with Mackenzie's family and Matt and Jer allowed me nearly unlimited snacking options this week. THIS WAS VERY BAD. At this point, it's not even hiker hunger, it's just gluttony for junk food. And my calories haven't been of good quality. I won't admit how many pretzel M&Ms I ate today....But I need healthy calories, not just junk sugar. I can now tell the difference between what goes into my body (and onto my butt). I had one really good week where I was eating well. Lots of protein, and very little junk sugar. And I felt so good! But then I let the snacks take over again... Oops.Despite my total overindulgence in snacks, I just didn't have energy. I crawled up the mountains today, even though they weren't very formidable. I cursed my legs as I stopped to stretch over and over. I wrinkled my nose at my chubby belly, weighing me down, as I paused every 100 feet to catch my breath on the inclines (pathetic!)I stopped for a break and found that Jeralyn had tucked $20 inside Gertrude (this explains why she was jogging after me this morning as I headed for the crosswalk in Hanover). At this point, I was already a mess, and the gift nearly put me over the edge. She has a house, a husband, a dog... so many things to take care of! Not only that, she already let me stay with her, do laundry, eat all her snacks, and she and Matt fed me MANY meals. I didn't need another gift. I should have been the one sneaking money into HER bag. It made me sad. My friends are too good to me.I passed a southbound hiker who advised me of trail magic. I stopped at the little cooler and found a collection of ziploc bags, each containing a pouch of tuna, a bag of trail mix, and a Snickers bar. Super cute! I took some trail mix and tuna, leaving behind the Snickers, since I already ate 37497 pretzel M&Ms today.An hour or two later, crossing into a rare service area (I have no service now), I got a guestbook comment from Brian, the trail angel who left that magic! Thank you SO MUCH! I don't know if I would have made it up the last little incline this afternoon without that trail mix. And honestly, at this point, words of inspiration are the form of trail magic I need the most. It cheered me up to know you would have passed some along if you knew I was going through. I hope to see you up north!I passed Chat Cat and Pippa today, as they talked to Sooner or Later, who was handing out trail magic (I declined a Snickers but excitedly accepted a bottle of cold water). Chat Cat gave me a hug, which was unexpected but made me smile. I could use another hug right about now.I barely had the energy to do chores tonight. I didn't cook dinner, just ate snacks (bad choice, I know, but it is what it is). I just want to sleep. I puzzled over the guidebook but a plan for the next few days eludes me. The Whites are already confusing. Camping options are limited. Huts have limited space, and the work-for-stay opportunities are competitive.I don't know how I manage to keep falling into these funks. For the longest time, I couldn't imagine WANTING to be done with hiking the AT. But today, I actually started to feel that way for a while. My knees hurt, and infrequent blazes on the descent down Moose Mountain made me paranoid that I was losing the trail. I slipped on a wet rock, and fell, shaking my head in anger at my scraped elbow.I decided not to stop at Bill Ackerly's (he lives right next to the trail and invites hikers to drop in) despite the temptations of ice cream and WiFi. Instead, I picked a kind of terrible (but serviceable) stealth campsite so I can stew in my thoughts.It is getting harder.I am thankful for magic. I am thankful for my tent and sleeping bag and Thermarest so that I have a chance at comfortable sleep. I am thankful that I will see mom and Dan in a few days. I think I need a pizza fairy pep talk, and I know that I need at least a dozen mom hugs.