Date: 2009-02-23
To: Monday: OK, I lied!
Miles today: 0.0

I arrived early for the MRI and was given the usual 42 forms to be filled out. I was as honest as I knew how to be on the forms, but it turned out that one of my answers was kind of not absolutely, well, truthful. No, I don¢t mean where they ask you how much you weigh. Hell, everyone lies on that one! It was toward the end of the form where it asks if you are ¢claustrophobic¢.         I put down ¢slightly¢. I mean, I am KIND of claustrophobic, when it comes to things like my sleeping bag. It¢s a mummy bag, and I have this really cool Big Agnes ¢Zerkle¢ bag which accommodates me and my ¢big bones¢ rather nicely. I¢d had an REI ¢Sub-Kilo¢ bag, which weighed a bit less, but it was really too tight for me to be comfortable in. Just before I left on my ¢05 hike, I¢d read about the Zerkle in the March issue of Backpacker Magazine ¢ their annual ¢gear¢ issue. The reviewer said that he could actually change his clothes inside the bag, and he was over six feet tall and over 200 pounds. In my REI bag, I could barely change my mind! So I jumped on the Zerkle and have been as happy as a bug in a rug ever since.         I had also had a couple of MRI¢s before, so I thought I knew what to expect. What I hadn¢t thought too much about was the fact that those MRIs had been on my knee. This one was to focus on my lower back. My assumption was that I would thus have to go further into the MRI ¢tube¢ than before. I had been ok with the knee thing, as my head and arms had been outside the tube, and that was something I was ok with. I just thought I should probably alert them, therefore, to the fact that it might be a bit more difficult for me to go further into that tube. So I said ¢slightly¢ claustrophobic.         So they take the forms, and then lead me down the hall to a small dressing room. Inside I change into one of those really annoying gowns. You know the ones. You put your arms through the front, and then try to wrap the rest of it around you and tie those strings so that your entire backside isn¢t exposed to the elements, only it never quite works. I lock the locker, take the key, and head on down to the MRI room. That¢s when things started going south.        I look at the table they have pulled out from the tube, and I realize the ¢head chocks¢ are at the wrong end. In my previous MRIs, the feet go in first, and the head stays out. This looks all wrong. THIS one looks like the head actually goes in and the feet are what stay outside the tube. I point out the error of their ways to the nurse and the technician. They inform me that this MRI is for the lumbar region of my back, and so my head needs to go in first.         And I¢m like: ¢Ummmm, yeah, right. So you¢re sure this is the way it has to be? Because on my other ones, my head was out, see, which I kind of prefer, if that¢s ok with you guys.¢        And they¢re all like¢ ¢No, this is the correct way for your particular MRI, Sir. Here, let me help you settle in. Just lie right here, that¢s good. And here are your ear phones. What kind of music would you like to listen to?         And I¢m like: Um, I¢m not sure it¢s gonna matter what kind of music, because ya see, I¢m feeling just a tad uncomfortable here already, and I¢m still on the outside of the tube, and, ah, ya see, I¢m slightly claustrophic here, so I¢m not absolutely sure that this is gonna work!¢        And they¢re like: ¢Well, let¢s just give it a try, shall we? It will only take about 30 minutes, and if ¢ AT ANY TIME - -you need to come out, we can stop the process and give you a break. And you¢ll have this little ball thing in your hand that you can just squeeze, and that will signal us that you¢d like to take a break. Ok, now just cross your arms like this, so we can kind of slide you on it. That¢s good! You¢re doing fine.¢        Only now, they were the one¢s lying, because I wasn¢t, in fact, ¢doing fine.¢ I was about to be buried alive in a large metallic cigar tube. What¢s worse, it seems that, in order to hold me absolutely motionless, they have these kind of pneumatic balloons on either side of you that begin to fill with air. This creates the immediate sensation of being enveloped by an enormous blob that is going to grow and grow until it squeezes the air out of your lungs and, in addition to burying you alive, is going to suffocate you before the burying part is even completed!   Meanwhile, as the table is moving me into the tube, I feel the table rise as well, which brings my nose to within millimeters of the top of the tube.         Despite the rising panic careening through my mind, and pulsating through my chest, I try very hard to stay calm. Calmly, I say to the technician, ¢WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SQUEEZING MY ARMS????¢         ¢Oh, that¢s just to hold you still while we take the pictures, that¢s all, Sir.¢        ¢Well,¢ I say, all calm like: ¢I REALLY DON¢T THINK THIS IS GONNA WORK AT ALL, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD STOP HERE AND GET ME BACK OUT.¢   Meanwhile, my right hand is starting to give that little ball thing in the palm of my hand the squeeze of its little life.         Suddenly, I feel the machine stop its inward progress, followed shortly by a movement in the opposite direction, accompanied by a lessoning of pressure from those balloon things on either side of my arms. Relief floods through my entire being. I felt like I was being born again. It was only 7:15 am on that Monday morning when I emerged from the tube. I just had a sense that this was going to be a very long week. I was right¢¦.