Date: 2004-05-13
From: home

To: home
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: few clouds

Long time no post. This update is long overdue. I feel rusty and out of practice. I feel long-winded and mildly emotional as well so consider yourself warned.After reaching Damascus and completing 1/5th of the trail I decided to come home for some rest, a visit, and a foot rub from mom. I think I was thoroughly tired in every sense of the word: physically, emotionally, and spiritually and I needed to take a break. I thought it through and slept on it and then decided to go for it. I hopped a Greyhound Monday night - got home Tuesday AM. It's good to be home.I have been home for almost ten days now and am levaing for the trail again tomorrow. I opted to skip Traildays and will be heading instead down to Harpers Ferry and will hike NOBO through Maryland and Pennsylvania into NJ. I'm home for a week or so in June anyway to head down the shore with some friends so the idea is to time it right so that I am essentially heading home into NJ a few days before we leave for the shore. I'll have to flip it up somehow later so that I can hit Virginia, but I can't worry about that right now. I'm really looking forward to being back on the trail and have been thoroughly restless since I got home. It was as I thought it would be: on the trail and thinking about home and then home and then thinking about the trail.I'm grateful to have taken this time away from the trail to sit and evaluate my trip thus far. I've concluded that in many areas, I was doing it all wrong. After coming straight out of four years of undergraduate and then 3 years of graduate work, I'm having a hard time letting go of time tables and agendas and I think as a consequence I added a tremendous amount of stress to my hike. I was approaching each day as a "to-do" list trying to hit off miles by a certain time and reach specific points by certain days and the result was that I had a hard time being in the moment. In the middle of the wilderness, in God's country so to speak, every moment of every day surrounded by peace and beauty, yet I often struggled with being present. I admit - I'm high-energy and type A. Gotta let it go - gotta let it all go. Still working on how.It's funny, I wrote an entry in May about getting lost on the trail and then essentially throwing a small fit complete with crying and sobbing, etc. I have since been reminded that part of the reason I came out here in the first place was to get a little bit lost. Maybe I should get lost more often as a reminder of why I am here?I was also reminded that I didn't embark on the trail in the hopes of returning as exactly the same woman who left. Ideally I'm out here to learn and to grow - and the truth is that I already have. The kind of change that really scares me is about being willing to let go of whatever comfort and reward I derive from all of my ritualistic and goal-oriented planning. And it's gotta go. So, I'm stashing my maps in the bottom of my pack so that I won't be tempted to chart miles every five minutes. I'm being more flexible with my food drops so that I don't need to rush into towns to make sure I don't run out of food. I'm trying to stop running. I'm trying to stop accomplishing. I'm trying to just be.I was told that with all of my important "to-do" lists sometimes I become a human-doing instead of a human-being.And I'm bringing my Ipod because I was told that music soothes the savage control freak. No, that's really just to have a bit of personal comfort on the trail. Without my winter gear I figured I could afford the extra weight.Here's what I'd like to think about during the next leg of this hike:Enjoying my own company. Practicing patience. Practicing sitting still and being present. Practicing letting go. Knowing peace. Knowing God. Connecting with others. I feel silly saying all that. Must mean it's honest.I've racked up a good amount of experience during the last 5 weeks of this hike. Now I have both the perspective and the tools to make this next leg even more rewarding and enjoyable if I choose to. In my heart I really now know what Oakie meant when he said that "the trail is just a figment of your imagination." The trail is not out to crush me and the only demons are in my head. This hike is more challenging then I ever anticipated and in ways that I never could have forseen. At home in NJ it's easy to keep the focus outside of myself, but on the trail everyday I was forced to keep looking within. That's tough. But I'm just not finished with the trail yet. And the trail is not finished with me.Many sincere thanks to all who have checked in and shared encouragement and support. It consistently lifted my heart and gave me food for thought.Hope to drop a line from Duncannon, PA. Until then didi signs off with a fresh perspective and a heart full of hope.