Date: 2012-03-11
From: Sassafras Gap

To: Dick's Creek Gap
Miles today: 6.3
Weather: broken clouds

Today was a hard day emotionally. There were a lot of thoughts and revelations and by and large I really find this entry to be a difficult one to write up. But I promised to be honest and days like this are part of the trail. Ever since yesterday and into today I've had the fleeting thought that I want to quit. And with that came waves of doubt, feeling like I wanted to cry, fear, guilt and embarassment. I find that I really enjoy the hiking but really dislike the camping. So evry morning I wake up and think "I hate this" and then get to the walking and am at peace. But right now my leg is in agony and I've realized that at some point I managed to squat in poison ivy so it's all over my thighs and SPREADING. I'm sick of being cld every morning and going to bed dirty. At some point down the hill I was asked what my motivation for being out here is. Hiker's hate being asked that because often we have no idea ourselves. But for me I know the main attraction of the trail has always been the challenge. I love hiking and figured that doing this journy would test my mental toughness while physically satisfying me. Unfortently it is the camping part that wears me down and breaking me down mentally. As I was limping down the hill I was on a emotional rollercoaster of every 15 minutes feeling low and thinking I wanted to be don and highs of looking out over all the mountains ad being so fully pleased. I started to feel trapped by what I had committed myself to and thinking "oh god, what if I lose those moments of enjoyment and all that's left is the misery?" As I contemplated this whole situation I thought if the challenge is why I'm out here then to quit is to fail. I don't want to have regret or feel like a failure or let down and dissapoint everyone who has been so generous and giving to me. I would be so embarassed to tell them I didn't make it. All this thinking and that trapped feeling tightened. I made an effort to calm myself down and came to the decision that I needed to reset my thinking andmy goals. If I truely get to the point that I no longer find even the smallest enjoyment then I can stop. I need to do this for me. So I've set a new goal of making it to Waynesboro VA which is essetially homefor me. It is 884 miles and at that point I'll have been ding tis long enough that my hiker legs will be here and after 2 months of the 24/7 aspect of this adventure I should know how I really feel and make a decision to go on from there. So many hikers I've talked to past and present told me not to view noncompletion as failure but I just never truely accepted that. But unless you are out here and expierencing this it is hard to relate. So those were all my thoughts as i painfully limped down the hill into Dick's Creek Gap where we were meeting up with our hotel shuttle driver.Gossip and news runs pretty fast up and down the trail and we were all on the look out fior Mike in a red pickup who essentially was scamming/kidnapping hikers by chargeing them to go into town (which is fine) and then driving them to the middle of no where and saying he needed more money. (scary and not fine)sure enough he was down there but we all just ignored him. unfortunatly we were all on super alert and the van the hotel had sent wasn't marked so we were all too freaked out to approach the one parked there and kept waiting for the next 40 minutes. Finally as there was a large group of hikers we all decided to start walking and eventually the van came down and being such a large group we decided to go ahead and take the ride rather than try another 11 miles into Hiawassee. This is the part of the trail I HATE as I don't like to put myself in situations where I am dependent on others. All was well and it was the right shuttle service. We stayed at the Budget Inn which is super cheap and everything your would expect that goes with it but the rooms were clean the staff really nice and a good location so I was super happy. After a shower, laundry and just being able to take the weight off my back I felt 95% better and all thoughts of quitting quickly dissappeared. apparently 4 days is just my limit of being dirty and cold right now. Most exciting is being clean and getting to treat my posion ivy, which is everywhere! from my ears to my toes and everywhere in between. At first i thought it was chaffing so that tells you something about the level of uncomfortable I was in. At the computers I ran into Lacy (now Bookworm) who I hiked to the top of the falls with. I was so excited because a few days ago while walking along i saw her bow on the ground and have been carrying it hoping to be able to give it back to her. She was so excited and it was just a good moment for both of us. I offered to sew it on her hat for her so she wouldn't lose it again as she want to where it up to Maine. Just going to put it out there. ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. My most used piece of extra gear is my needle and ACTUAL thread which everyone says you don't need to bring and just to use floss. but I have used that thread more than anything else so yes, mom you were right on insistening I bring it. All you can eat tonight and a warm bed!I called my parents which was really reaffirming and talked about how I was feeling and thought process, they helped me put things even more in perspective which was just what I needed. so the new goal is to make it to waunesboro take a few days off and then head back out for the rest of the miles to the halfway point at Harper's Ferry. At that point I will have over a thousand miles under my belt and will have completed half of the trail. If looking north I find that even the smallest part of my wants to keep going then I promise myself I will. If not I can be happy in what I have accomlished and know that I gave it my all. For now it's back to taking the trail one day at a time, mile by mile.