Date: 2015-04-11
From: Cody Gap

To: Fontana Dam Shelter
Miles today: 9.8
Weather: scattered clouds

I froze last night- the temps were in the mid thirties. My sleeping bag is rated to 25 degrees and I thought it would keep me warmer, but when I complained about it the next morning, Twister pointed out that it will keep me ALIVE to 25 degrees. If I want toasty I Would have had to spend more money. My husband had given me a ton of these little Mylar emergency blankets for Christmas (as well as a tick remover and a compass) so I opened one and wrapped myself in it inside my sleeping bag and it really warmed me up. As usual, I was among the last to hike out. Ice and Gorp were getting a room at Hike Inn and starting the Smokies the next day. I had to wait for a re supply box at Fontana, so I may or may not see them again, and so it goes on the trail. The hike looked easy enough, about 10 miles mostly down hill, but it was a rocky brutal descent. I leapfrogged with Dino and Seashell all day- a really lovely couple from Melbourne who I am enjoying getting to know. The rocks and twisty trail were hard on the feet. I always think of the people who were indigenous to this area when the settlers came. I picture them effortlessly navigating this terrain, barefoot, hunting and gathering. We are total wusses compared to them, armed on our outdoor adventures with $200 boots, ultra light gear and smartphones. Their spirits chuckle at me as I trudge and trip through the woods, my pack lopsided for some strange reason, maybe chiropractic. My torturous memory purge is on day 3 now. Where the hell did this come from? And I wondered where it was going. Was I going to have a climactic ah-ha moment, like in the movie Wild, where I suddenly forgive myself for being a jerk 25 years ago? And forgive Brian too? And why would this kind of deep soul searching come so early, before I am ready for deep. But it did. And by the end of the day as I sat gazing at Fontana lake, yesterday a tiny fleck in the distance and today 30 feet down a steep drop directly in front of my tent- my big revelation comes to me. Our relationship was ordinary. It was not unique . We were two people struggling in our relationship. If he had not died on the river that day nearly 25 years ago, we would probably have worked everything out, said sorry, grown up, moved on to our mature relationships, co parented our son and life would be fine. But he died in the middle of the end. He was immediately elevated to a flawless status, as those who pass are, and I was left holding the blame, the fault, regret, the heartbreak. It could happen to anyone, so be nice, you never know what words will haunt you if the resolution is snatched away. I didn't come on this trip looking for redemption or to battle the demons of my past. But I walked through the woods for 3 straight days crying, something I rarely do, and now I feel the relief of laying that burdon down. I choose to remember Brian for the free spirit, the funny generous man he was. There is nothing to forgive here, on my part or his. We were young. I took a shuttle to the Fontana Lodge and had....a cheeseburger! It was delicious. My plan is to hike out tomorrow- into the Great Smokey Mountains, right after I pick up my mail drop. I have heard that only 50% of folks make it this far. Can that be true?