Date: 2015-12-02
To: View Entry
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: moderate rain

My last update dates back to a month and a half ago. I am unsure if people still follow my journal or still retain some level of interest in it; I feel the need to add a few more entries, if only to have a more detailed and complete account of my thru-hike, even if it is only for my own benefit. I am nervous about this entry as it is quite personal. I wanted to discuss my post-Trail life or, in my case, my difficulty with readjusting to ¢normal¢ life. Before travelling to Georgia, I had read about past hikers falling prey to post-AT depression. I will acknowledge the obvious ¢ yes, the sharp decrease in physical activity, coupled with a Trail-typical diet which is not adapted for a more sedentary lifestyle, will contribute to feelings of depression. The benefits of exercise are numerous (endorphins, setting a goal, cultivating a hobby or fostering motivation). There is also the obvious social support inherent to the AT experience that is abruptly cut out of your life once you return back home, especially if you are not from the same country as your Trail friends. It is difficult to reintegrate in a life where the people surrounding you are fundamentally oblivious to your AT experience ¢ life continued on for them. The daily chores and routine activities were lived and coexisted while you were hiking up mountains and wading through fast flowing streams, sometimes dragging your painfully swollen feet, crushed by the weight of your pack, sometimes strolling peacefully down a green corridor, your mind at ease. Your family and friends might have been worried about you or were excited to hear about your recent milestone, but they could not fully understand the meaning you have ascribed to this journey nor its impact on your worldview. Furthermore, real life social relations are hard. I felt that on the Trail, it was so much easier to talk to people, even if you had nothing in common with them, except the AT; social exchanges are expected and, consequently, other hikers appear more open to interacting with you. Of course, you did not become ¢BFFs¢ with everyone on the Trail, but the setting facilitated more profound and seemingly sincere conversation. I learned a lot from people, from anodyne and insignificant facts or stories to different lifestyles and values that confronted some of my own biases. I started school upon my return home and, while I enjoy my classmates¢ company, I feel it is much harder to shift the conversation subject away from things like the class material, exams, grades, etc. I realize this is my own personal problem, akin to a semi-identity crisis, but it is difficult to witness my own personality shift, from the more out-going and carefree Axon to a more unassuming and cautious Justine.I have frequently heard of past AT thru-hikers take on the PCT or other grandiose journey immediately after returning from the AT. It is understandable: of course, some would say, if these people had not had any plans (job, school or any other activities), they would be more inclined to leave again for something more exciting; the alternative would be rather depressing. Others call these people ¢adrenaline junkies¢, as if they had a genetic predisposition leading them to be chronically restless. Maybe some do. I had (wrongly) assumed that I would be immune to a relapse: I was starting school again ¢ engineering school at that ¢ so I was going to have something challenging to focus on. Also, I was going to meet many new people, which was exciting. As the weeks passed and school progressed, I got increasingly distracted, unfocused and indifferent. I grew numb as if a creeping wave of mental paralysis was taking over. Pessimistic thoughts devolved to nihilism. It was enough for me to take a short hiatus from school (I can re-take the semester in winter with little consequence, so it¢s all good) and seek professional help. I had undiagnosed (and unadmitted) issues with depression and anxiety BEFORE leaving for the AT. So, while the AT did not trigger this, I now recognize that I was susceptible to post-AT depression and, indeed, was hard-hit. But that¢s OK, because I can finally takes steps to get better and hopefully acquire skills and tools to deal with these issues in the future. I am so grateful for my AT experience because the extreme disorientation and grueling physical and mental demands imposed by the AT have forced me to learn how to adapt and accept. I use the notion of acceptation because while you hike, you are frequently miserable, in pain or discouraged because others are better than you, because you didn¢t hike as many miles as you wanted, because it¢s raining for the nth time ¢ these are all valid feelings and you are entitled to experience them. You are confronted with your own physical abilities, mental strength, personal motivations and aspirations: the AT can therefore be a path to self-discovery and self-acceptance. I need to conclude this journal entry by stating that mental disorders and mood disturbances are issues with biological and psychological causes. And, to further add layers of complexity, these diseases are often equated as a personal failing or injected with negative values, resulting in stigmatization that greatly impedes sufferers whose pain is not legitimized or even seen as real. If you are experiencing these problems, know that you are not alone.JustineP.S. I WILL have a couple more entries soon - I promise! - about more happy things