Date: 2003-05-31
From: Pearisburg Virginia

To: McDavid Florida
Miles today: 75.0

I woke up at 4:00 am and got on the road heading home.To say I have mixed emotions is an understatement. I know that I cannot go home and fix my daughter.I only know I can hold her hand and try to help her throught this time in her life.I have been where she is and know some of the feelings and the pain,but some of it I am clueless to.This is a completely different world we live in now as compared to what it was when I was her age.And life is a whole lot harder now,with so many things pulling at people.So many things that need attention.I am constantly amazed at how all these time saving devices do not seem to save us any time.Or maybe they do save us time and then we just end up putting more stuff on our plates to fill up the time.I know I am guilty of that.Just think back to what I wrote while stating a the FoxInn a week or so ago.It is so hard just to sit down and chill for awhile.We truly are a driven society.We are driven.That is an excellant book by the way! I keep myself tanked up with sweet tea and cappaccino.I stoppes and got me a couple of CDs to listen to while I drive.They have several of my favorite songs on them.Songs of faith,reasssurance that my God is still in control.That these events did not catch him by suprise,and he stands ready to help if we but ask.So I ask.In fact,I beg for help.I am at a loss on how to help her or what todo.So I just pray as I drive.Then as I found out several years ago,if I can praise God in the midst of my trials then I can find comfort and peace much faster.It is not an easy thing to do,this praising God when your heart is broken,your mind is confused and your heart filled with doubts.But I start off praising him just for who He is.That never changes,he is constant,ever the same.No matter what I think or how I feel,I know he remains the same.That is comforting to me.Before I know it My and Jesus are having a meeting and I am at singing and worshipping him while I drive.One hand on the wheel and one hand in the air.My face is wet with tears,tears of joy and pain,both wiped away by the touch of the Master's hand.It is the sweetest time I have had in a ling while with the Lord.I am grateful once again for mercy,grace,compassion and the promise that he is ever with me,holding me,loving me and comforting me.I am reminded of a song "Let the hands that broke the bread ,mend my heart,let the hands from nails that bled their grace impart.Take a life in disarray,guide my feet ,show me the way.Let the hands that broke the bread ,mend my heart."I feel the closeness of my Lord,I feel his arms around me,and hear him whisper "Trust me with your trials.I can handle them better than you >Give them to me.My daughter is already at home when I get to town.I have to turn the car in and wait for a ride home.My precious husband comes to pick me up once again and we go to see my daughter.She looks drawn and tired.I try to hold her and hug her,but she is like a porcupine.A hard one to hug this child of mine.She has beenhurt so much in lie that it is hard for her to trust anyone.It is also hard for her to receive love.she feels so undeserving.It is good to hold and touch my grandchildren and my other children.I have missed them all very much.This is the longest I have ever been away from my family.This first night home is hard for me.The house seems stifleing and small,even though it is not either one..I left 50 degree weather and it is 85 degrees here and humid.It feels strange to sleep in a bed,turn on a light or a faucet.I want to sleep outside and contemplate setting up my tent.I come to my senses shortly after ward!I am by no means finished with the trail.I hopeto be back on it in a week or so.Until then I will try to take advantage of being home and spending time with my family.