Date: 2008-09-19
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Miles today: 0.1

      "Let us spend one day as deliberately as Nature, and not me thrown off the track by every nutshell and mosquito's wing that falls on the rails."      -Henry David Thoreau, "Why I Went to the Woods"      After summiting Katahdyn, returning home proved to be a challenge. Facing day-to-day life and its structure after five months of unscheduled life was scary because I realized that while I had changed, my world before the Trail hadn't. Subconsciously I guess I thought everything I had run away from, my social life or lack thereof, school, responsibilities, my sometimes stifling home situation due to hundreds of foster kids coming and going each year and my own laziness and non-motivation, would change while I was away. Deluding myself out on the trail made my vacation more enjoyable but the problems were only harder to swallow once I got home. There were so many things that happened on the trail that I am too embarrassed to share and there are so many events which astounded even me because I never knew how much ability and wherewithal I had at my disposal.    Coming home to a structured life was challenging in its own right and was only made harder by the fact that I felt completely alone. I had no one to talk to who could relate to what I was going through and for about six weeks I was too much of an emotional basket case to do much more than pace and mope around. I missed my friendship with my hiking partner, the people I had met, the freedom and beauty on the trail and I would find myself wishing I had taken more pictures (despite the fact I had at least one for every mile.) For six long weeks I had difficulty trying to figure out why I was having such a hard time after my hike was finished and when I had so much of which to be proud. The unhappiness was rooted in the differences between "Trail-Life" and what everyone considers "Real-Life."   Every day of successful hiking comes with its own rewards; daily accomplishments were never hard to recognize. On the trail I would get to camp, reflect on my day and feel good about my efforts. Maybe I had hiked two miles and was proud of the fact that I had had the discretion to stop and call it a day before I broke my knees and my body in the process of making miles. Maybe I had hiked my longest day yet and the fact that I still had energy in the end was something I found a sense of accomplishment in. The trail always gave me opportunity to recognize my worth and see my strengths and weaknesses. It was simple to find fulfillment through challenge on the trail.   Coming home to "Real-Life" proved to be boring and slow. There were no possibilities to see growth and there weren't any opportunities to challenge myself. I lacked purpose. Where I had once found purpose through hiking 12 hours a day I now had 12 hours to be bored, lazy and sad that I was not accomplishing anything. I was beating myself up because I wasn't doing anything and at the same time I was unmotivated to find something to do. I found a simple, beautiful happiness in the woods which I had never expected. Beyond the sweating, panting and dirt was harmony and satisfaction. "Real-Life" is unfulfilling compared to the woods because it is nearly impossible to find reward and happiness in a society strangled my materialism.   Due to years of conditioning, I think it is hard for the majority of people in modern day society to enjoy something unless it is new and improved, or technologically enhanced. People just don't see the worth in my ability to walk for twelve hours a day because walking is walking; it hasn't been improved upon since our first steps on two feet millions of years ago.   Coming home, I recognize that the standards set through societal expectations about what defines accomplishment are superficial and external. Good lives are measured by cars, diamond rings and 6-bedroom mansions in gated communities. Essentially, if you don't make enough money to own a Porsche and a small island off the coast of California, you have no worth. Society has an unwritten rule stating that success is what other people see. Having money is useless unless other people can see the physical manifestation of your wealth and then be jealous of your accomplishments. In this world where worthiness and unworthiness are balanced on a scale where material belongings and ownership are the only factors which tip that scale, we are forgetting that good will and a strong spirit can oftentimes mean more than a good job and sound investments.    When no one can recognize a thing of worth unless it shines in the sun and has 800 horse-power we are very poor indeed. Before the trail I never thought twice about what defined success and how you were supposed to find happiness. The steps were easy: Find a great job, make a lot of money, and even if the job sucks and you need to work 90 hours a week, your money will keep you warm at night. We encourage so much hard work that for success we must forget about everything else, including meaningful relationships. During my time on the trail I redefined what was worthy in my own eyes by acknowledging that honest, real relationships hold much more promise than the figures on a paycheck. In a couple journals I wrote about how my experiences with Trial Magic changed my perspective on many things in life without speaking about what had been transformed. No longer do I see an expensive item and say, "Wow, I wish...," rather I acknowledge the fact that a piece of that person's soul was probably exchanged for the opportunity to own that item. Maybe they lost it to their long hours at work and are living alone because they did not have the chance to build a lasting relationship, or maybe they are trying to live up to the unachievable standards society has set forth pertaining to wealth and influence. Either way, I no longer focus on acts of selfishness or evil and see them as truth. Compassion and generosity are a currency which are far more genuine. In a world where you hear more about fraud and murder than sympathy and morals it is easy to forget that the latter still thrive and prosper behind the scenes. Sometimes the fundamentals of a morally good life get complicated by materialistic and superfluous interferences.    I think Thoreau said it best, "Simplify, simplify. Instead of three meals a day, eat but one; instead of a hundred dishes, five; and reduce other things in proportion." My love for "Trail-Life" is strong because life was so simple. I worried about my purpose and my actions and left the rest to Fate. Through the good will of the people who do Trail Magic and the people who were out there seeking the same lessons I was I have seen that good deeds are often forgotten in the maelstrom we call "Real-Life." Through the rehabilitation I experienced on the trail I know that a paycheck is never more important than how we treat others and how our actions indirectly affect the world. Our purpose is to be purposeful. We must see our own worth before we seek out the measure society has placed upon us. The trail has taught me that to find purpose we must simplify life and rejoice in the small daily accomplishments. Celebration of life should be everyone's sole goal because if we cannot see our own worth society will drown us in its sea of unachievable standards. In the end, when we forget to see our own accomplishment we get no reward.    Coming home was hard because I forgot to take the lessons I had learned on the trail and apply them to my "Real-Life." Everyday presents challenge, and success lies in your ability to remember all the simple accomplishments you have in your day-to-day life. I am no longer climbing mountains, but when I first left the trail I forgot that climbing mountains wasn't my purpose, my purpose was to be a good person and concern myself with how my actions affect those around me. To be philanthropic is good but a little extreme in my opinion. Doing charity work is useful and can make you feel warm and fuzzy on the inside but that is easy to find happiness through because there is always someone praising your efforts and acknowledging your work. The real test of personal worth is whether one can find it in their simple actions and find ways to make those actions count. Can you find reward when no one sees your good deed, or when it is such a small incident that even you barely notice you did it? Does your search for fulfillment end in frustration? Maybe you are looking in the wrong places, I know I was.