Date: 2004-03-04
To: and the Moon tides turn gently, gently away
Miles today: 0.0

Good Evevning One and All!My journal this year will probably be a lot like my journal from 2000. Far more about what is going thru my head than the usually: "woke up at seven, ate peanuts and oatmeal, walked 19.8 miles and went to sleep." Peace and respect to those with entries like that. We all have our reasons for chronicalling (is that really a word or is it the cocktail in my hand and the Miles Davis blaring thru the computer speakers as I type?) our lives for all to see. For me it is about the inner exploration of my thoughts... the psychotic thoughts of someone disillusioned with the direction our world is going... On a side note, Ed Abbey completely comforted me in his words talking about how, well, let's let Ed's words flow as he wrote them:"The finest quality of this stone, these plants and animals, this desert landscape is the indifference manifest to our presence, our absence, our coming, our staying or our going. Whether we live or die is a matter of absolutely no concern whatsoever to the desert. Let men in their madness blast every city on earth into black rubble and envelop the entire planet in a cloud of lethal gas - the canyons and hills, the springs and rocks will still be here, the sunlight will filter through, water will form and warmth shall be upon the land and after sufficent time, no matter how long, somewhere, living things will emerge and join and stand once again, this time perhaps to take a different and better course."So life flows on within and without us (thanks George). All that we consider so important really has no importance. And I guess part of this is flowing thru my mind as I make major life changes... oh I struggle with these life changes... Tonight I got a great email from a hiker friend from 2000. I will leave his name out but this is what he wrote:Subject: No Worries Date: Thu, 04 Mar 2004 18:44:17 Aswah I respect a man with conviction. Everyday the "fill in a name" in side me is fighting to return to his natural habitat. Not to the point of scitso ?spelling? but you have made the choice. Now the joy can come through fully with no second guessing. I understand from my own point of view, it is to have a career that society, friends, family would look at and say your lucky to have. They don't know the Trail is not only an adventure or 6 months off from work but that it is our teacher. People don't know that when the dark times come in a thru hiker's life, the lessons and memories learned from the trail get us thourgh. Dude I have hiked with ya and you just seem to be having more fun then anybody out there so man why the fuck not, Everybody knows GAMEers kick ass, society can wait another year. I however will be fighting myself for the next few weeks. We will see. Aswah your awesome, hike on brother, keep in touch."fill in a trail name" My response was:Dude... i respect anyone who has life figured out. For me, I can't figure my place within it. I do have doubts like any man. In one or two weeks I will walk away from a very successful career in cooking. As I spend my last moments living the Chefs life I wonder if I made the right decision. Then I think about how good the trail was for me. I think about the great people I met. I think about how the trail changed my sense of values in this very capitilistic world we live. And that makes me wonder about the "real" world. Man, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't dream of the trail, miss the trail, think about the trail... I dream of Maine and it's cold rain and foggy mountain tops. The song "playing in the band" by the Dead always pops in my head. I think about the great times I had with you and Gorilla and the rest of the Scheiss's crew. I think about taking pictures with you guys at the 2,000 mile mark. Getting Gorilla so high he couldn't walk.   My heart feels and relives those moments constantly in my head like a broken video player replaying the same scenes over and over. For myself, I need more woods. Maybe some day I will think different. But I do not want to get to 70 years old and say to my self "man, you should have gone thru the green tunnel again". Everyone I met in 2000 have become my closet friends. I feel nothing but love when I think of worm or silver or pigpen or sweep... my hearts yearns for more of it. The trail is an experience that defies description. Only those of us who have suffered in both joy and pain can relate. And truth be told, my brother, I feel more a kinship with those who walk and deal in life by simpler standards than the BMW worshipping yuppies I have to cook for. Brother, see you out there... end of march...ASWAH the IgnorantI'm not really sure where all this leads but someday I will find my place in the world. but for now, I need to live my life the way I want to...ASWAH the Ignorantp.s. "I am drunk on the fiery elixer of beauty" - Everett Ruess