Date: 2003-10-14
From: Rainbow Stream Lean-to

To: Abol Bridge/Millinocket
Miles today: 15.0
Weather: clear sky

How do you feel when you wake up in the morning and know that it's your last day on the Trail? One should feel elated...it must mean you're summitting Katahdin, and you've been successful in your thru-hike, right? As many who have been through this know, that is not always the case. Sometimes, even as close as the base of that great mountain, a hiker realizes that that's not what's going to happen. I have known since Saturday that I was not going to summit Katahdin as part of my hike this year. Not only have the weather predictions for 10/15 (my anticipated summit date) been horrendous, but I also have not been feeling right about summitting without finishing ALL of the Trail. I can't tell you how this has weighed on my mind over the past few days. I have argued it back and forth in my head all day and all night long. I've come this far, I SHOULD summit...I haven't completed all of the Trail, I should wait and leave it as the grand finale...it's been a stressful few days for me. Despite the internal debate, my decision was made this past Saturday. I feel as though I want Katahdin to be the ending...the total ending. And if I were to summit before I finished Maine, it just wouldn't feel right to me. I've hiked Katahdin previously, on a different trail, and I know I can do it. I also have always imagined it as the last piece of my journey. I know that many of my friends and family, as well as fellow hikers, have been encouraging me to go for it, don't worry about the portion that I've skipped. But I just can't. And I need to keep in mind that I'm doing this hike for me (not to be selfish, but realistic)...and for me, Katahdin is the sum total. And will happen next year, after I pick up the miles that I skipped in Maine. That being said...let me get on with my day... How do you feel when you wake up in the morning and know that it's your last day on the Trail? I slept quite well in the shelter last night...the air was just cold enough to be crisp, but not cold enough to freeze you in your sleeping bag. I did have a flexeril night, but didn't have the restless sleep of the drug-induced. I felt very empty upon awakening...I guess like I knew that something was missing, even though it wasn't gone yet. I probably could have stayed snuggled into my sleeping bag for awhile, but Big Bird and I needed to cover 15 miles to Abol Bridge, where we planned to try and hitch a ride. I ate breakfast...my last cold oatmeal for the year. I got into my hiking clothes and packed my backpack. I kept thinking that I wouldn't have to do {insert activity} again this year. Everything has become so ingrained as part of my daily routine. I talked with Big Bird about what I should do. What will I do when I don't have a page of the data book to refer to throughout the day? How will I get along without being able to reference how much further I have to go today and where I might next get my water? What is going to get me through my life when I don't have white blazes to follow??? I don't know how I'm going to do returning to the "real world". I listened to the weather report...they'd added the possibility of morning thunderstorms to the previous forecast of rain and high winds for the fifteenth. I definitely wouldn't be summitting tomorrow. We started hiking, arriving pretty quickly at the campsite that JimboTrek had pushed on to last night. We took an early lunch break there. My CamelBak decided to leak all over the inside of my backpack, for no particular reason, while we were eating. It seemed to be a propo...even though I didn't necessarily feel weepy today, just hollow. Big Bird and I didn't really do a whole lot of talking...just pushed ourselves through the hike for the day. I didn't feel that there was much for me to say...I had been talking about this day, and my ambivalence about it, for a week. The weather continued to cooperate with us, and although it was a bit cooler today, it was still sunny and lovely. We climbed over Rainbow Ledges, which I recalled quite well from my first hike through this section. It was just after the Ledges that the kids and I were stuck with dark fast approaching. I thought about how different things were now, and how much more prepared I would be now, given the same situation. I have grown and learned so much on this trek. We got to the last shelter, just 3.5 miles before the bridge, and took a final break. I wanted to read the register. The tears came then...so many excited entries from fellow hikers, celebrating the emotions they felt, knowing that the end for them would come the next day on top of Katahdin. I felt like a bit of a sham, receiving advance kudos on summitting from a few people I'd hiked with. They couldn't know of my decision. I also felt such joy, reading through and finding so many entries from hikers I'd met and spent time with over the past six months...I'm so proud of everyone who was able to make it here. It took me a little while to get through the register and get myself back together. Big Bird was awesome, so tolerant of my over-emotional state...he has been a wonderful hiking partner. We got going, the final few miles passing quickly by...easy terrain to finish up with. We arrived at the bridge and took pictures of the mountain that we would not be meeting up close and personal this year. That being done, we went to the store at the end of the bridge and almost immediately were able to get a ride to Millinocket with a fabulous couple who had recently moved to the area. They told us about themselves as they brought us directly to the AT Lodge...they were true Trail Angels. Don welcomed us to the Lodge and got us settled into a room. He told us there were two guys there who had summitted yesterday. After describing them, I KNEW that one was Chafe Master J. I was so happy to find out that I would see him again before I went home! He had actually gone out to try and find us...he seemed to know that we would be in town today...and we met him as we went to get some dinner. The three of us ate and had a couple of beers at the Downtown Restaurant, and discussed the final days of our journeys. I made a couple of phone calls to my Mom, who would be picking me up in Bangor tomorrow, and to my Seester, to arrange a ride from Mom's back to Salem. That being done, I went back to the Lodge, where we all watched the Red Sox win game six of their series and the Cubs lose the final game of theirs. I received an e-mail from my sister, Kathy (or should I say, Freeda?), that really helped me feel better about my decision to leave the Trail today. Kathy, you don't know how much I needed that...I really appreciate it, as I've appreciated all the support you've given me since I started on this venture. Nothing else to do but hit the hay...somehow, I don't imagine that sleep will be anything that will occur tonight...and yet I'm nothing but exhausted. Tomorrow, I begin my journey home...I still don't know how I should feel...