Date: 2008-07-20
From: Annopolis Rocks 

To: past Buena Vista Rd
Miles today: 17.4

I have given much thought to whether or not I should write about this--my feelings and thoughts on Doug's decision to go ahead and leave me behind. It is something try as I might that I just cannot get past. And though deeply personal, I will "put it to paper" and hope that afterward I'll be freed from thinking about it. (unlikely)                                 I believe that as long as I live, through all the experiences I have and all the people I meet I will never be able to understand the why of it all. Why would anyone want to forgo the opportunity to have someone to share a journey of such magnitude? The most memorable moments thus far are mainly times when we've been together, in towns or on the trail. We have had some belly-aching laughs that have actually brought tears to my eyes. I don't recall ever laughing so hard in a long time! We had such fun times! How unique--hiking and spending time with my brother! Even with our differences, it has been a good experience. Was it really that torturous to have to stop hiking at 6:00 and then have 3 hours to relax before going to bed, some of which would be spent cooking, eating and then, exchanging highs and lows with me about the day. Was it that boring to spend an hour each night with one's only sister and someone who, as an adult, he's never spent any time with? Oh, yes, I see. It is oh so much more fun to walk alone all day. Then eat dinner alone. And camp alone. And get up and eat breakfast alone. Go into town alone. Enjoy a meal at a restaurant alone. Have a beer alone. Do laundry alone. Visit the grocery store, walk up and down the aisles alone. Get back to the trail alone. Hit all the milestones alone. Hike Katahdin alone. I believe it is fundamental human nature to want to share things with others. It is not the same, later in the day, to call someone up and then talk about the day. Not like talking to someone who is right there, sharing it right along side of you. When I was telling people about my plans and why I would want to attempt such a thing, one of the first things I always mentioned was what a unique opportunity I thought it was--spending time with my brother! "A once in a lifetime chance!" I'd say. Obviously it wasn't a motivating factor in Doug's case. Nor is it enough to convince him to remain with me now. I would NEVER have even begun this challenge if I thought I would have to do half of it alone. I am so not interested in going it alone, fail to find the fun in that. And yet, I will continue. Because now I am invested in this challenge, have given so much of myself to get this far. And I have come so far I cannot live with myself if I walked away after 1000 miles. But fun? I see no fun in doing the rest of it alone.It is true that at one point in the recent past I was seriously thinking about doing a flip-flop. (flying to Maine and then hiking south) For me it would make sense given my low tolerance for cold. But I realized I'd never convince Doug and to go and do it without Doug would not be worth it. Because as much as we were apart, we SHARED some great moments in our little time together. He is funny and easy-going and generally, a good companion. So I gave up the idea. I can do the math. And I've talked with several people who say October 15th is not the last possible day to finish the hike. One guy hiked Katahdin on Oct. 24th. You just can't camp in Baxter after the 15th. But even so!! If I only did 15 miles a day I'd made Katahdin on Oct. 4th! And at 17 miles a day I will be there Sept. 24th. Factor in a few zero days, some days over 17 miles and this is 100% possible. I was fine doing over 17 miles a day. Was able to meet up with Doug most nights0--loved reaching him and spending a few minutes together. It would be one thing if, after doing the math, it was obvious reaching Katahdin in time would be impossible. But that is not the case! So why the sudden urgency?? Before final decisions were made about this trip I mentioned to Doug my reservations about my finincial difficulities, wondering if I could afford it. Doug said, "Shar, if that's the only thing holding you back, don't worry. I can help with that." Yeah right. It's really helping me for him to run off and leave me with no one to split the hotel bills with. Now instead of $25-35 a night it will be all me, $60 or $70 or $80. And there is no way around it. I cannot skip going into town, nor, for my own sanity, can I skip the hotel stays once a week or so. And speaking of towns--now I must deal with getting to and from town all alone. The only way that makes sense is of course to hitch hike. Perfectly fine if you happen to be male. But a woman traveling single? I don't care who you talk to and how many times they say they've done it with no problems, I will never ever be convinced. It is not a safe practice for me, a woman alone. It only takes one crazy man to make my life hell or change it (or end it!) forever. Now it is a risk I will take over and over and over again, for two and a half months! Oh, whoo hoo! I'm in town. Goody, I get to eat alone! Find my way around alone. Get back to the trail alone.And why? Well of course, it's because Doug wants to get to Katahdin three weeks earlier! Don't ya know, he has to get back to his job!! Yeah, right. He made arrangements to be gone until Oct when he left and I can't believe anything on that order has changed that much in this time. It is selfishness at its best. A grand and shining example. Look kids, here's the way you should treat your sister. Just treat her like crap, she's family, she'll get over it. Let's just do whatever is best for Doug. It's hard not to hate him. Say what you want about overreacting or not seeing his side of things but in my mind, it's a tragedy. A grand story that could have been: "Brother and sister hike Appalachian Trail together! Reach Katahdin, share hugs and high-fiving, a shared victory, memories forever!... He has left me in favor of finishing a few weeks earlier. He has abandoned me physically and emotionally, disregared my finincial state and more importantly, my personal safety. BUT YES!!! He'll get done and get to go back to Amber a few weeks sooner. (which is really what it's all about right?) But at what cost? Will it be worth all that is lost???