Date: 2010-06-23
From: Keys Gap, WV 9

To: Fairfax, Va
Miles today: 0.0

I am still at my brother-in-laws place. I can't seem to make myself go back to the trail. I think I've had enough. I don't want this to be so, but I think deep down I know the truth. I mean I have been here for 4 days now. I went for a walk today around 5pm and it was so hot it drove me indoors in less than 1/2 hour. I have always liked winter, spring and fall more than summer. I enjoy winter camping and rarely camp in the summer. The heat drains me, and I was already feeling drained. On the other hand, everytime I think I have decided to quit, my heart aches so much I am afraid it will burst. I want to be back out there in the woods, to visit new towns every week, meet cool people and see awesome sights. I just can't stand the thought of carrying that damn backpack over the trail anymore. I'm told that at this stage of the hike its all 90% mental. What bullshit. The best attitude in the world isn't going to make me sweat out the precious water I drink any less or feel any less drained by the heat. All it can do is help me push through the misery to keep on going.Along with the heat and the weakness I feel, I am out of the money I saved up. Any money I spend now would have to be borrowed against our line of equity. This has been something I have known was coming for quite some time now. I try to hike cheaper, but I seriously overestimated my ability to live miserly. I also know now that, at the rate I am hiking, its unlikely that I will complete this before October. Not only will that add more to the cost, it isn't fair to my wife to have to continue being a single parent that much longer. Not to mention the fact that I miss my family very much. And if I am going to be completely open here, I miss my trail friends as well. Because I am hiking so slow, everyone I have been hiking with is way in front of me. I see no one I know and I don't see anyone new for more than a day or two before they too have left me behind. The community which I enjoyed is no longer there.So maybe its not 90% mental, but the mental part is playing a big role in my decision. I could probably push through the heat and pain, but for what? The only thing keeping me on the trail, if I return, is the dual desires to be a Thruhiker and to Not be a quitter. I'm not hiking with anyone I know. Every penny I now spend is borrowed against my future. And yet, I can't commit to quitting. I keep thinking of ways to not stop. I could flip-flop and go to Maine now and hike southbound to escape the heat. But the blackflies are supposed to be horrid this time of year and the terrain is ever harder up there. Would I be jumping from the frying pan straight into the fire? Or maybe I could just jump ahead to where friends are and start hiking there. A complete thruhike will no longer be possible, but I could get as much as possible in the next couple months.I don't know what I will do. My brother-in-law has offered to drive me home the July 4th weekend if thats what I choose. I wasn't even going to post about this, but a good friend wrote some good advise that I should keep up the journal even if I do quit. He thinks it may be instructional for others. I don't know how. It just feels like whining to me.Good night and sweet dreams to all of you out there not living the Torn Usunder Dream.