Date: 2007-06-10
From: Port Clinton, PA

To: back in Virginia - AGH!!!
Miles today: 0.0

I can't do it. Mentally I am not in the right place to continue on the trail. I called my stepdad last night as soon as I arrived in Port Clinton and begged him to come get me. To his credit, he was there in 40 minutes, even though we live 45 minutes away and I gave him wrong directions. What a guy, one who would do anything for me, as he demonstrates time and time again, no questions asked, nothing expected in return. His support and guidance, along with his insistence that I always carry car and health insurance, enable me to go off in crazy directions and always have a place to return, where I will once again be grounded before heading off on my next adventure. This sounds bad, but I assure you it's not nearly as bad as it appears. Yes, I'm currently off the trail, but I'm not off for good, for I have many miles remaining and I don't give up that easily. I may be battered, but I am not broken. It takes a lot more than a couple of rocks. Let me explain...Remember the entry I wrote about the Bears Den Hostel? That it is one of the, if not the, best hostels along the trail? That the manager Queen Diva is a fabulous woman who I admire and respect? That I would be back? The day I arrived in Duncannon to return to the trail, I received an email from Queen Diva, asking if I could come help for a few weeks as the hiker season enters its crunch period. My gut reaction was a yes, but I wanted to hike a few days, think over my options, pray about the opportunity, before making a final decision. Getting beat up in PA helped me decide as I reached Port Clinton that I would return to one of my favorite places along the trail to meet more hikers and give back to the trail, hopefully nourishing my body and spirit in the meantime.Even as I drove to northern Virginia the following day, I questioned if I was making the right decision. My biggest fear at this point is that I won't want to get back on, that when I do I could be out of shape and unconditioned so that it's like starting all over again, that I will lose any remaining momentum, that I will give up a dream that has been inundating me for the last five years. But, at the same time, I realize that this could happen whether or not I get off the trail. I'm already losing my motivation, struggling with the trail both mentally and physically with quite a chunk of it remaining. Is it better to be on the trail or off to again find the reasons I started hiking it in the first place?My stepdad wondered aloud, asked me in all sincerity, if I am still a thru-hiker if I take time off, for doesn't that mean I will hike from Georgia to Maine in one continuous hike? Do I become a section hiker if I take 3 weeks off in the midst of what I consider a thru-hike? Is my thru-hike less valid than someone else's who doesn't need to take a break from the rigors of the trail? Am I less of a hiker because the trail is starting to become monotonous drudgery? Am I weak because I can't handle the discomfort?My stepdad certainly didn't want to open this can of worms for me, but I'm glad he did, for to get right mentally, to be able to get back on the trail and finish strong, to maintain my desire to reach Katahdin I have to able to answer these questions, defining what a thru-hike means for me, why it was important before and why it remains so today. This happens to all of us on the trail, as we begin in Georgia with an idealized version of the hike in our minds, a definition that changes and morphes as we put in more miles. I don't think any of us finish in Maine with the exact same image of what constitutes a thru-hike as when we started, but that doesn't make our accomplishment any less or more valid. When I began in Georgia, the AT was all about the hike. Now, the trail has become so much more to me, for while I still stand in awe of the actual path through the woods, I now realize that there is an entire culture surrounding the AT, including the people and places you encounter along the way. Yes, I want to hike, every white blaze, every inch of the trail, but I also want to experience everything that goes along with it too. Hiking only for the hiking, just to accumulate miles is missing out on a lot. I will hike the AT only once, and while I can't stop at every place along the way, and I can't possibly meet every thru-hiker out here, I want to experience as much of this culture as is possible. The definition of my thru-hike, how I will get the most out of it, grow as a person and hiker, has changed since Georgia. But it's still a thru-hike, just my version, with more than hiking now included and even an integral part.Despite my questions, spending a few weeks at the Bears Den has its benefits as well. First off is Queen Diva herself, a delightful Christian woman who is just plain cool. I can learn a lot from her about running a hostel, serving others, loving unconditionally, and just plain being cool. Second, I will make a little bit of money, for as the trail runs north, the prices get ever higher as we enter the Northeast. Third, I am still a part of the thru-hiker community, and will meet many hikers as they travel their own journeys, hopefully remembering me as someone who made a positive impact for their experience. The hikers I meet at the Bears Den will likely be the same hikers with whom I will continue my journey when I get back on the trail in PA on July 2, some I haven't seen since Georgia and am now meeting again, the surprise on their faces always delighting and inspiring me. I am already looking forward to seeing them again in a few weeks, when hopefully I will once again be in the right frame of mind for continuing onwards to Maine. When weighing the pros and cons with my mom, another Christian woman with a servant heart, before I said good-bye to her yet again, she put it so simply with the following words: "Stacy, when someone asks you for help, and you are able, there is only one right answer. Sure it may disrupt your schedule, but in the end, it will be worth it." Nicely put, Mom. May I always be surrounded by such wise, loving people, and take advantage of situations that put me in their presence.And so I head south to the Bears Den. Yes, I'm off the trail, but only for a brief period. I will be back, of that I have no doubt.