Date: 2010-07-06
From: US20

To: Durham
Miles today: 0.0

Slept in the basement by the washing machine. Felt silly doing it, but it was a lot cooler down there. There was a cushy mat that I laid my pad on. Slept with my leg on the cool concrete floor to lower my body temperature. Today is suppose to be in the 100's! Glad I'm not out hiking in this weather!Orbit never returned last night. She was out with her friends. Orbit must have let her mother know that I needed a ride today. Alice wanted to know what time I wanted to get to the airport.8am! My flights at 10:10am.Alice has to do inventory at work and she'll be back for me later. I drink coffee and eat frosted flakes with my eyes on the clock. Alice finally gets home around 8. We wait on Orbit, and it's around 8:50am when we leave for the airport.I was so anxious on the way there. It felt like the temple veil being torn in two! I felt nauseous and sick.I guess I'll check my backpack. I'll carry my ID, journal, debt card, and my Hawk's feather that I'd found on the trail. I don't want it getting mashed by some baggage thrower.Alice, Orbit, and Rest Stop come into the airport with me. So many faces. No beards. No backpacks, well, just luggage with wheels. No friendly faces. No envious glances from curious day hikers or section hikers. I stand out in this crowd and I feel like an alien in this environment. I'm positive that they're watching me on the security camera's and have already dubbed me, "strange".To check my bag, they charge me a whopping $25! As it would turn out, I could have easily carried it on. It would have been small enough to fit in the belly of the aircraft. I just didn't want to be hassled and considering the emotional state that I'm about to describe, it was a good decision. No need dealing with the "Suits" right now.Orbit, Alice and Rest Stop walked with me upstairs to the security line. It's already pretty long so I'm glad to have arrived early. I try saying goodbye and I'm already choking on the words. So hard for me! I could have finished with them. I told Rest Stop that it'd been an honor. I meant that more than he'll ever know. They helped me get to this point in Mass. Such great motivators! I actually feel horrible to subject their determination to the sight of someone leaving the trail. I hope and wish that it doesn't negatively effect their morale.As they walked away, I felt so alone! I'm standing in a line with 100 people that couldn't care less where this bearded, sun bleached, and farmer tanned stranger is going or where he's been. I feel like a boxer on the ropes. Staggering.This felt like balancing on the head of a needle; standing here with a ticket back home.The thought of not finishing took my breath away. It felt like dying. I wanted to run out of the airport and back into the open sky. I felt trapped and cornered. With tears welling in my eyes, I wanted to hug someone, anyone! I never thought this trail could mean so much to me. I never imagined that I'd be willing to give it up for anyone or anything.Thinking about Lish helped me catch my breath again. She'd come here if she had to. To bring me home. She'd come to get me if it meant she had to carry me home. I believe she'd go to the end of the earth to help me and that made standing in that line a little easier. The shoe's on the other foot. I still never anticipated this would happen at this point. She's suppose to be the one coming to scrap me off the floor and bring my broken bones back home in a sack. It just feels backwards.I'm so emotional about returning home that it actually makes me feel relieved. I'm absolutely fanatical about finishing this trail. Even in the face of retreat, I still have deep seated ties to this place. It really does mean a lot to me. When tested, I really am having fun. When questioned, I still am positive that I want to be here, doing this and nothing else. All these trials and torments haven't diminished my love for this journey. I'm relieved to feel that way, because I know it will be that emotion that will help me find my way back. I'll be back with no looking back. Nothing hanging over my head possibly bringing me back. This is my opportunity to do the right thing. This is my chance to end this journey the way I intended to. I can tell now that when I return to the point where I left off that I'll have a whole new perspective and I'll enjoy it more. This isn't the end, it's the chance for a better ending!!!2 planes and 3 1/2 hours and I'm back in Raleigh, NC. Incredible! I thought I was going to puke on the plane. My eyes were diverted to the barf bag on several occasions. 3 1/2 hours to my 3 1/2 months!Lish picked me up and it's amazing how nothing has changed since I left. Nothing's changed except me! Lish is trying to schedule her appointment as I'm walking through the rooms of my old house. Same old place. Nothing different, but me. I pick out everything unnecessary to me now. Most of it. That ridge-runner was right back in the Shannie's. This place feels obnoxiously to big. Basecamp for a Mars expedition!Lish has to finish painting a ceiling before the end of the day. She takes me downtown and I borrow her bicycle to run around town until she gets off work. My knees are popping like bubble wrap as I peddle the bicycle. It's hot here! 103! Traffic everywhere!I'd put on my running shoes with the intention of going for a jog around my old stomping ground at Duke's east campus. Test out these new mountain climber legs of mine. I was sadly disappointed with my running ability. I made it all of 500ft before I quit! My knees need time off. Far different from my usual 4 mile day! Just to soon. It's been a long time since I rested my legs.I took the bike to the library to get some books. I got "Illusions: and the adventures of a reluctant Messiah" and "The Alchemist" to read. I wanted to get "Inglorious Bastards" or "Kelly's Hero's" to watch tonight, but they didn't have either.I stopped at a gas station to buy a 40oz since I was back home! Woot, Woot! I opened the bottle as soon as I'd gotten out the stations door. Looking around with the bottle leaking it's contents all over my beard, I could see my fellow Durham residents staring in terror at a bearded, homeless looking weirdo drinking a beer while straddling a bicycle. I felt embarrassed, I'd forgotten that I'm no longer near the AT. I notice people inside the store are laughing at me. I raise my 40oz and keep drinking while I wave with my free hand! Welcome home! Glad to be back!Biked around town, went to the grocery store, and had dinner with Lish and Jessamine. All this emotionally draining day long I've been waiting for this moment. The moment when I laid down in my own comfy bed. It's early. Light outside and I'm going to sleep. I can't keep my eyes open anymore.I hate to admit it, but laying in that soft queen sized bed was so much better than camping! Well, maybe not if I was at a beautiful sunset vista overlooking Vermont, but maybe it's better than a mosquito infested swamp that smelled like a fart. It's so much more pleasant falling asleep to the hum of a ceiling fan than to the sound of blood thirsty flying parasites.Hope shines the brightest when it dawns from fears - Walter Scott (on a magnet at the hospital)