Date: 2012-09-07
To: Balance
Miles today: 0.0

Have you ever had a driving force tell you that you need to do that ¢thing¢ that is inside of you, even if you don¢t know exactly why? I have and I listened to it. Back in April, I left my family, friends, familiar surroundings, comforts and perceived securities behind. I embarked on a pilgrimage to find meaning.Before and during the journey I had many questions running through my head. What really matters? To whom does it matter? I felt like I was not living my own life and just going through the motions. Like I was running through life always late for some appointment. These were questions that drove me to hike. Questions and thoughts abounded, answers were few. Would the trail provide answers or peace to these questions? It has been almost two months since my 1200 mile walkabout. It has been difficult for me to sit down and put my thoughts on paper. For some reason I have been avoiding this conclusion. Maybe I have been too busy enjoying life. Maybe I don¢t want to face any finality about my uncompleted thru hike. Maybe it is just procrastination and I am reading into this too much. Regardless, here are my current thoughts and feelings.Thoughts and feelings are interesting. Thoughts and feelings can be misleading and dangerous. Thoughts and feelings can be uplifting and joyful. What ever your thoughts and feelings are of thoughts and feelings, they are transitory. They can, and do, change from one moment to another. At least that has been my experience, and that is all I can speak from. Several of the main driving forces for my adventure included seeking out what is ¢true¢ with in me. I wanted to be ¢real¢ with myself and others. As I go along farther on this trail of life, I see clearer. What is currently ¢real¢ and ¢true¢ for me is just like my thoughts and feelings, always morphing. It is like hiking towards the horizon, ever changing with each step.Enough with the introspective mumbo jumbo (for now)¢¦these are just words, but should hopefully give the reader a prospective of my approach to the trail. But first, let me catch you up to the present before contemplating the past. As stated, it has been nearly two months since I left the trail. Others that I hiked with are still heading north. Some of the hikers that finish may not do so until the end of September. I took a different path. After leaving the trail Friday, July 13th I took a couple weeks to ¢recover¢. My feet have never been in so much pain and it took many weeks until I could walk ¢normally¢ without pain killers in my daily dietary regiment. I then spent August in Florida. I enjoyed spending time with my daughter, my one sister and nephews also my friends Paul and Laura. Quality time was spent in Fort Myers, Sanibel Island, the Keys, the Villages and Orlando area. As one friend of mine phrased it, I took a vacation from a vacation. Of course she was currently working and probably having a bad day. I don¢t think she meant it kindly. ? As with all things that begin, they end. I headed north to Pennsylvania and mentally readied myself to seek employment.I decided to check with my previous employer to get the ¢lay of the land¢. I was informed that there was no current position available. I thanked them for the past five years of employment and thanked me for being a good and reliable employee. I then applied for two different bakery positions at local supermarkets. Two days later, I had an interview scheduled. The next day I had a job that included good pay and great benefits. Yes, I took a pay cut from what I was making. Unless you think of it as a huge pay raise if you comparing it to what I made NOT working over the past five months. It is all perspective I guess. I am actually looking forward to having a ¢home¢ again with my employment. It is about 20-25 minute drive from home which I consider a very reasonable commute. In my previous position, I needed to sometimes travel hours to work. Also, I could never make more than just surface acquaintances with those that I worked with since I would only be at that location one or two days. I have already had orientation with my new employer this week and will start full time this coming week. Being employed again¢¦a good thing. Yes, things have a way of working out.I have had plenty of time to contemplate and review upon events with my trip. I am already missing the trail and considering when and how I will finish it. This brings to mind what ¢Wiffle Chicken¢ had told me about his take on ¢fun¢. He stated that someone had once conveyed to him a truth about three levels of fun. The first is like an amusement ride fun, instantaneous ¢Wheeeee¢. The second is when looking back and comparing it to other experiences¢¦.realizing that it brought happiness into your life. The third is years after, forgetting the hardships and knowing that it enriched your life, shaping you into what you are now. For me, the trail brought all three levels of fun. I am currently in the second phase and will probably trend more towards the third as time goes on. The experience will never leave me as it has been incorporated into what makes up my self perceived image or identity.When I think back and look at my journal and pictures, I remember so many awesome places and experiences. Dainty but striking blue, purple and yellow ¢trekking pole¢ flowers along side of the trail in Georgia and North Carolina. In the Smokies, looking down on pillows of clouds with mountain tops peeking through. I recall the beautiful weather that accompanied the equally beautiful views of McAffee Knob and Tinker Cliffs. The sights, smells and other sensory perceptions come back to me as I reminisce. The welcoming and even a few not so welcoming trail towns were always an experience. But what I treasure the most from my experience was the interaction with other hikers and people I met along the way. I saw ¢real¢ people in contact with each other with kindness and compassion, wanting nothing in return. This was the majority of my experience. We took care of each other. Love is the closest word that I can label these events with. Not the social and culturally conditioned love. Not the possessive love. It is just the pure essence of acknowledgement. It is the seeing that we are not different from one another. Even with our differences.Hiking the trail was one of the most difficult experiences that I have undertaken. It also has been the most rewarding. After my divorce a few years ago, I withdrew. I pulled back from many things, but mostly interactions with others. During my walkabout, this changed. I have come to such peace on many of the burdens that I have carried with me for years. Pulling myself out of the ¢normal¢ society and having time to just ¢be¢. I can not remember the source, but I realized the truth in the following statement. ¢Forgiveness is letting go of any hope of a better past¢. This includes letting go of hate, ill will, jealousy and wrong doings. This forgiveness is not only forgiving others, but even more importantly forgiving yourself. Knoxville woke up from a nap at a shelter once and told me that someone had just asked him in the dream, ¢How can you go forward when you keep looking back¢. I thought him strange at the time, but it stuck with me. I think back on past relationships and the mental anguish and hurtful words that poured out of me in the heat of arguments. Pain striking out...there are so many past happenings that I would do differently. I realize that there are no retakes, it happened. I was very hurtful to others in relationships. I learned to make peace with it and not to continue down those paths. After letting go of this pain, I found myself breathing in life. I was able to share freely with others again. Share in their pains and joys. This ¢forgiveness¢ has helped me tremendously to reintegrate. I can¢t say enough about it. I enjoyed hiking with so many. Looking back at my journal, I think of the joys we experienced together as well as the hardships. The great town stops, wicked thunderstorms, hail, coldness, heat, snakes, bears, physical pains and wonderful trail magic. The trail was full of highs and lows. It is amazing how quickly this changes too! ¢Even this shall pass¢, includes perceived good experiences and bad ones. I want to list all the names of hikers that I enjoyed hiking with and people I met along the way, but I hesitate so I won¢t miss any. I guess my online journal here is as complete list as I can have. I thank you all for being there for me and sharing this part of life together. It is truly a great thing, an emotional bond that we have. It is hard to convey my feelings on this. I will leave it at that.The honey moon period was over a couple of weeks into the hike. It was most definitely over by the time I got to Erwin Tennessee, not quite one month into the hike. Reality of the hike was upon me. I was not, and am still not, a natural outdoorsman. Yes, I lived out of my back pack for almost three months and spent most of my time outdoors. But it made me appreciate simple amenities even more so. At that time, I was not ready to spend another 2-3 months on the trail. I was ready to get off the trail. The ¢Troverts¢ put it well when they said¢¦ ¢when it becomes more about the destination and not about the journey, it's time to head to the house.¢ I guess I can be a little thick sometimes. It took me 1200 miles of hiking to realize what many already know¢¦It is good to be home.If I was asked to summarize my ¢realizations¢ from my hike in one word, it would be ¢Balance¢. I tend to walk all the way from one side of the scale to the other to find balance. But it took me doing this several times in life to realize that I can just take smaller steps, not so far away to find the middle ground, to find my balance. Introspection during my hike helped me find some answers to previously 'shelved' questions. You may already have your balance. If you don¢t, inquire to yourself about the hard questions. Maybe you don¢t need to hike the Appalachian Trail or change your life, maybe you do. Maybe your 'trail' is something else entirely different. I remember I was talking to ¢Daffy¢ in PA near the end of my hike and I had used the quote ¢Everything in Moderation¢. He had replied that the emphasis is always on moderation and should be on EVERYTING. Don¢t be afraid to try something new. Even if you only live it for a moment, it still has been lived. Awe and wonderment is still out there to be found!