Date: 2014-01-14
To: Why?
Miles today: 0.0

Why?Why I¢m hiking the trail again.I¢ve got a lot going on this week...last weekend I had a great 20+ mile hike with Sterett and we have something even better planned for next weekend. I¢m wrapping up my gear list, and will post it soon, but first I want to tell a story that only a few know. The ending of my hike in 2012 was a very emotional experience. In my hike I¢ve had plenty of mishaps, falls that bump, bruise, or cuts are common on the trail. Staring at a wild bear at close range can test your metal. But never, until the end, did I push myself to the point that I got a chance to stare the grim reaper in the face. This is the story-****************************************Maine was fantastic! It¢s like all the rest of the trail squeezed into one state and then giving it a huge dose of steroids. If you have hiked Maine then you know how beautiful it is... how tough it is. For a while I thought all my good luck had turned to bad. The mostly dry weather changed to mostly rain. My strength seemed to have left my body (walking into Maine with 80lbs of gear did not help.) ¢¦and it got cold. Rivers I had to ford were flooded above the safe to cross stage, I crossed them anyway, and they were ice cold. So, I went thru the state slow. The beauty helped. The views are full of the changing colors of fall. The trail is full of the red and gold of pained leaves. And, knowing the end is near, I began to feel a heavy weight tugging on my heart. Several times I felt overwhelmed with emotion. ¢¦this weight was the heaviest of all to carry.Eventually I made it to the base of that bad ass mountain. ¢¦the one I have looked for, and seen, over the last 65 miles. I spent a long cold night waiting for my turn to go up. Due to bad information I was in a rush. ( I was told that the shuttle to town came early and the climb up and down Mt Katahdin was a long one.) I woke up at 2 am and by 4am I was walking through a misty rain to the trail. At 4:15 I signed the log, but I put down 4:30. I hit the mountain like a madman¢¦ a 3 or 4 mph pace. The clouds focused at the top of the mountain and the stars came out. The first two miles of trail was easy. At halfway up I broke through tree line and snow began to fall. The wind was howling. Rocks were covered with ice and a little snow. The sun began to light my way.It got tough fast. The wind slammed me into the rocks. I had made a major mistake...hiking fast caused me to sweat until soaked. My wet clothes began to freeze. But I was determined and, despite the numbing of my hands, continued to climb upward. The snow began to fall harder, the wind hurling the tiny ice balls at me at tremendous speeds made it seem that I was in a sand blaster. I passed the two mile mark and dove behind some rocks to get out of the wind. The shivers began. I was freezing and for the first time on the hike I thought this may be the last day of my life.Time unknown... Looking at the watch on my wrist would involve taking off my gloves. My hands are numb so time is not that important anymore anyway. I¢m out of the wind in an uncomfortable crevice thinking that I should sit down and rest a while. Catch my breath, get my bearings, and come up with a plan. I get one mental image of Jack Nicholson frozen in the 1980 movie the Shining. ¢¦and he was in less extreme conditions than I was at the moment. Then in a waking dream I could picture myself frozen solid, while sitting on my bucket taking a break, covered with a thin sheet of ice.It was at that time that I began to believe they, the Park Rangers, were coming to stop me. The Rangers had to know the mountain was a death zone today. No one in their right mind would climb in these conditions¢¦ it was insane ¢¦it was way too dangerous. Climbing this mountain is not worth risking my life. ...But the thought of Park Rangers coming put a new thought in my head- I had to finish.This was the climax of months of hiking, without touching the sign my hike was not complete. In a few days the mountain would be closed for the season. And at that moment I believed today was my last chance and they are coming to stop me. This thought, crazy as it was, gave me back my urgency and my purpose. It lit a fire of fear inside me and got me climbing up again into the howling wind. I now had summit fever. I would climb this mountain or die trying.The rest of the climb up is a stumbling haze that lasted forever. There are few moments of coherent thought¢¦ I stopped at one place to document the experience with my camera. After taking off my backpack, that already had ice on it, I had to take off my gloves to get and work the camera. My hands were not as bad as I imagined¢¦ red and stinging with the cold but not grey and frozen as I imagined yet. I managed to get three pictures before the camera froze and stopped working completely. There would be no summit pictures today.The tabletop had little cover from the wind so I pushed on with more urgency. Eventually, after stumbling on forever again, I could see the black silhouette of the sign in the white haze. At first I felt a great relief and a spurt of energy to see that sign and then I touched it. Hard to explain what I felt next¢¦ it¢s like the sign injected me with sorrow. I was filled with blah. No, I was overflowing with an overwhelming feeling of blah. It was like a girl I loved had suddenly left me and I had no more hope. I became completely drained of energy. With no more fear to drive me I thought of curling up in a ball and getting some much needed rest.Giving up or quitting is too easy and I don¢t like things easy. I walked down in a stumbling daze filled with ash and dust inside. The climb down was easier then up. For one thing, I had my tracks in the snow to follow. I kept one hand against my face to shelter it from the stinging wind. When I got to real rock climbing again I did a lot of sliding on my butt and sometimes just let myself drop down each level. And the whole time, for no reason I could grasp, I felt depressed.The only other interesting fact I can tell you is the reaction of the first three hikers I encountered on the way down. I had just gotten below tree line, and out of the howling wind, when I found them. I kind of woke up then and actually began to notice my surroundings. Part of me was surprised they were not Rangers and the rest of me was appalled that others would try to climb into the tempest above.They stood staring at me with open mouths, these three young girls probably just out of college. One of them broke the silence¢¦ ¢Frosty!¢ she said. Looking down I noticed a layer of ice covering me. I then told them to turn back, that it was dangerous. I overheard them say, as I continued past them, they would see how far they can go and turn back if it got to tough. I did not care anymore, the blah still had me.I repeated my warning to all the hikers I passed. But all of them had to see it for themselves. 10 of them turned back before summiting that day. Only three other hikers, as crazy as myself, summited that crazy mountain on 10-11-12. I experienced hypothermia and shivers for the rest of the day. When I got to see my legs later they were covered with abrasions and my clothes were stuck to my skin. And that is the end of my AT hike.**************************************************So, if you really want to know why I¢m going back and doing it again. It¢s because the blah still has a grip on me, deep inside, and I have another date with one stupendous badass mountain called Katahdin. Big K, will you dance with me one more time?