Date: 2004-02-21
To: 9 Days til my first White Blaze
Miles today: 0.0

Mixed emotions.    That's what yesterday's entry was all about. People ask me if I'm excited, and I don't know what to tell them. Sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm just nervous. Other times...yeah, I'll admit it. Other times, I'm downright scared.   "Scared of lions, tigers, and bears?"    Not really. I'm sure I'll have a tiny spark of fear deep inside the first time I see a bear, or the first time I hear one outside my tent sniffing around, or the first time I drop out of a tree and take one by ambush. But that's not really the scary part. The scary thing is, I really don't know what the hell I'm doing. Plain and simple. I am leaving the safety of my home to live in the mountains for 6 months, and I have no idea what I'm doing.   Nor why.      "The whole point for the walkers who seek to follow the entirety of this beaten path is not getting to the top of the hill. It's going up there and not coming down again --not, at least, until they have found what they have lost, what they've gone looking for. And make no mistake. Whatever they tell you, they are all looking for something."                              --Robert Alden Rubin                               "On the Beaten Path"   Sure. Perhaps those who venture out into those mountains ARE looking for something. Perhaps they know exactly what it is they're looking for. Perhaps they don't, but just expect that they'll find it while they're out there. After all, spending 6 months climbing walls of rock and fighting off wild animals and not bathing for days or longer and sh*tting in the woods is SURE to change you. Right? I mean, it's SURE to provide some sort of spiritual revelation, or at least teach me so much more about myself and others and LIFE!   Right?    Or perhaps when you get out there, all you find is dirt.    Dirt. And rocks.    And trees. And more trees. And more trees.   And mud.   Perhaps that's when you say, "What the hell was I thinking?" And you turn around. You go home. And all you've learned about yourself is that you couldn't hack it. You couldn't go without the comforts you're used to in your life. Perhaps you realize that it's time to go back and tell all the people who doubted your ability, that they were right.    You're never gonna make it to Maine. Not without 4-wheels and I-95.   This is where most people build up their defense. They claim that they have no regrets because even 3 days out there was an AMAZING experience where SO MUCH of life was appreciated and rock-solid friendships were made and hey, you know what? Just getting to Springer Mountain was more than most people who sit there and THINK about it end up doing. So yeah. Yeah I accomplished something. I got everything out of this that I wanted to. And I didn't have to spend 6 months and over 2,000 miles to find it!   Good for you.   Me on the other hand...I'm gonna make you a promise. I'm not going to be pretend to be happy if I don't make it to Maine. I won't be. I have no intention of quiting unless death or serious medical conditions stop me...but who knows. I'm not out there yet. Perhaps I don't REALLY have any idea just how miserable it gets. But I'll try my best not to feed you a bunch of bullsh*t about how I'm fine and dandy if I'm not. And if I quit...I'll try my best to admit that I'm a pansy.   (sigh)   9 days til my first white blaze. I think I'm scared of the previous sentence more than anything else.