Date: 2008-12-02
To: The Mysterious Phases of Re-Entry
Miles today: 0.0

Well, I lasted 1 month before Karen and I went back out and camped for a nite on the AT. I hadn¢t unpacked my pack yet, but when she suggested we go, I suddenly got all the energy I needed to go through it. It wasn¢t bad, as I had cleaned everything back in Millinocket before we ever came home, so it wasn¢t like I had dirty clothes or crusty cookware. Actually, I didn¢t remember washing my cookpot, so I was afraid I¢d still have dried mashed potatoes in it, but it was clean. That would have been gross man¢¦What was it like being back out there? A little strange really, as I actually had a chair, extra blankets, a cooler w/hot dogs and marshmallows to eat and of course my fav¢¦Lemon San Pellegrino to drink, oh and don¢t tell anyone, but I was wearing COTTON. We¢d planned 2 nites, but after our first nite at 21 COLD degrees, I got to exercise my newly earned right to say, ¢Hey, let¢s go home and make a fire and drink some wine.¢ There was one great surprise in that Pounce, a sobo¢er showed up and Karen and I got to be ¢those people¢ that offered her some food, my chair to sit next to our fire and then Karen drove her to the Dutch Haus. Karen noticed I was happier in that small amount of time than I¢d been in weeks.So this whole re-entry thing has had several phases for me. First is the ecstasy experienced when I realized I didn¢t HAVE to resupply, worry about my batteries being charged or if I had enough toilet paper. Then was the celebratory fun part of visiting friends and the road trip home¢¦all the while we basically paralleled the mountains I¢d walked over for so many months and I had many moments of ¢Wow¢¦.I can¢t believe I just did that.¢Then we got home, and it was great to be home, great to see my boys, great to be back in a space that I love so much. And then it started¢¦that directionless feeling. I call it being stuck between here and there¢¦.only you don¢t know where here OR there is.   When A.M. and I invited V8 to come back out for the weekend (after she¢d gone home for good) to hike the Mahoosuc Notch with us, V8 said, ¢I have to turn towards this life now.¢ I totally understood that comment cognitively, but it wasn¢t until now that I really got it emotionally. Going back out on the AT for even 1 nite, helping a hiker, etc., threw my brain/heart right back into it. It was so easy to go back there and be there, and yet, I had to get into the car and drive home, and it took a toll on my psyche. I REALLY understood what V8 meant. It¢s exhausting, too close¢¦to be able to switch between the two lives like that. This was something unexpected honestly.So the funk came back and I got very demotivated again, lost, depressed, and my list of things I ¢should¢ be doing kept growing and growing. I got tired of that too though, so I forced myself up, forced myself to try to complete at least one task, and I did. Then I completed another and another and finally built some momentum, which then led to the next phase of re-entry, which I call having an Identity Crisis.So now, I¢m enrolled for full-time grad school come January, Karen and I found this great adventure/social club that we¢ve joined and they do all sorts of awesome things, and I¢ve even landed a part time job with a grassroots recycling project. Well¢¦the identity crisis manifested itself like this. I signed up to be a student, a worker, a social person and all I felt like was a long distance hiker, battered by months of hiking, but with no energy and no trail to continue hiking on. Huge conflict and a scary one at that. The identity crisis became obvious to me when I realized I was having a hard time relating to people in general. What I mean is that I couldn¢t carry on a conversation with anyone without wanting to scream, ¢HEY YOU¢¦.I JUST FINISHED THE APPALACHIAN TRAIL¢¦.ALL 2,175 MILES OF IT!!!¢ Everything reminded me of some trail story, some experience, some moment in time amongst the trees and rain and shitty weather and perfect sunsets and warm rocks that I ate my lunch on and awesome hangs that I slept so comfortably in. I couldn¢t look anywhere and not see ¢a good place to hang¢ or a watersource (albeit¢¦a drainage ditch would probably be lethal to drink from), or the blue rectangles painted on the curb at the end of my road that STILL as of today, keep popping out as blue blazes. I don¢t even know why they are painted there. And even still, Karen and I both keep slowing down when we drive past a pond¢¦.looking for moose.So this was another challenge which required energy to negotiate¢¦energy I didn¢t think I had. I mean, how do you tell a carrot that it¢s a banana and that it should start acting like a banana when it¢s obviously not? What I figured out, after some very dark days, is that the only way I could deal with accepting my new identities was to dip into them in small doses and then retreat to the safety of my home, where I can be whatever I want to be, allowing my energy to replenish.So Karen and I signed up to play a softball game, my first softball game ever in my life¢¦.with our new club friends. After I got there, I was fine and had a good time¢¦even hit a few good balls. I talked to a professor on campus, and have been slowly learning the ropes of this university¢s system. My job, by default, is part time, so it doesn¢t require me to attend 5 days a week, and I really like the job which helps. And this brings us to the present¢¦.here¢¦today. I can honestly say I believe I¢m over the worst of the re-entry hump. I¢m finally waking up excited about the day, feeling motivated to get things accomplished, and yet I¢m absolutely spoiled with a schedule that allows me to have a lot of down time. This all changes come January, but I¢m not going to think about that right now. I¢m going to really enjoy the fact that I can take the time to allow my psyche to catch up to reality; I have the time to spend with Karen and my boys, and I have the time to eat right, exercise, and I¢ve joined Weight Watchers and am seeing instant success with it¢¦.and it¢s actually MUCH easier than I thought it would be, so I¢m not stressed about regaining my lost hiking weight any longer. In fact, I¢m now taking that great kick start from hiking to a new level by really learning what and how much food to put into my body each day and that doing something physical, even if for 30 minutes, is better than doing nothing. There will be a test coming up shortly, as we¢re going to stay with Vigilauntie and Y for a few days and attend a party celebrating the completion of their hike. It will be the first time (since Pounce and Auntie Mame¢s visit) that I will be back in hiker culture, and we¢ll see how it goes. I¢m totally excited to have some time to hang out with them, instead of us all having to hike in different directions. So that¢s how life is for now. It¢s been rough folks, but there¢s also been some really great moments. I watch my summit video a lot when I feel the trail tugging. I almost can¢t believe that¢s us up on that mountain. Oh, and the cool picture in this post?   A fellow hiker, Beach Bum from 2007, made this and emailed it to me. Thank you Beach Bum, I¢ve made this my screen saver because it¢s a moment in time that represents so much to me and I sort of figure if I made it up this trail¢¦.I can handle anything the ¢real¢ world throws at me¢¦.including re-entry.It¢s been nice not reporting my daily life, but I¢ve missed the connection with all of you readers. This isn¢t the last entry either, I¢m just taking time in between them to be able to make sense of my experiences. So happy holidays everyone, and remember¢¦Santa says hammocks are better than tents.