Date: 2008-04-05
To: VA
Miles today: 0.0
Weather: light rain

   My parents are the best but as soon as they pulled out of the parking lot of 'The Place' last week I felt a little lost and confused as to what I should do next. Although I have been hiking for a few months now I find that I still don't feel quite as comfortable in my skin as I should. Sure, the nervous energy that motivated me to go pee four times every night is no longer there but behind my calm veneer I can still feel panicky and lost. I was so excited to see my parents that I never thought of the consequences. Feeling sad when they left was a given but my overall emotional state in the end was one of total displacement. Back in Dahlonega, GA I called my mom, and out of fear and stress I was crying because I felt that, "Nothing about this hike feels right and I just want to go home." Luckily, my parents aren't the kind of people who give up on their kids even when we give up on ourselves and they refused to come pick me up. Before I came out here all I heard from my parents and friends were jokes about how I wouldn't last a week and how if I didn't want to go I could always save face by saying I couldn't find a hiking partner, but once I was out here on my own their tune changed. No longer was it a melancholy, loud tune that someone could drown in; rather, it was a forceful tune that pushes the listener into doing what they intended to do. They weren't discouraging, and in their vehement refusal to 'save' me, they in turn motivated me.    Since Dahlonega I have felt much better about the trail. I have pushed through many obstacles and vaulted over hurdles, so I was surprised that when my main outside source of motivation left me to the trail once again, I felt the same as I did in Dahlonega. For a week I was having trouble finding my equilibrium. I didn't enjoy hiking, I didn't feel good about the miles we were putting in and I just withdrew because I had so much on my mind I wasn't functioning well. As can be expected I had more than just simple problems to think about. For the past few months I have felt so strong and goal-oriented that I was in disbelief that something so simple could upset my whole mental orientation. My family came up and I got a new camera, a new sleeping bag, food, I mean, we went all out. With all this new gear I should have felt a little bit of elation accompany my tears because for the first time since Springer, I had all the right gear and I was ready to make the commitment to go North indefinitely. How can I still question my confidence when I am surrounded my so many great things?    My last journal was about moving to Katahdin and while I have yet to make that commitment, I can say that this issue concerning my mental equilibrium has pushed me closer to that final step. If you had asked me a week ago what I was feeling about my trip in general I would not have been able to respond with a concise answer. Rather, I would have hemmed and hawed and gotten frustrated because I felt like I was again taking one step forward with the gear and two steps back every time I questioned my abilities. Today, I can say with confidence that I am out here for the long haul and that my parents taught me an important lesson in life last week.    There can be no adventure if there is no challenge, and it is through the challenges that one finds the strengths and weaknesses in their armor. If my lack of confidence in my abilites had affected my plans so much that I had gone home I would have been allowing my insecurities to fester and rot. An adventure is defined by self-discovery, and it is in making the hard decisions that you find who you are. Last week I learned that I have enough strength of character to make the hard decisions. Making the choice is only half the battle, the other half is whether I have enough fortitude and determination to follow that choice through.