Date: 2005-03-16
To: One year later, and then some...
Miles today: 0.0

It¢s been a while and I applaud those who¢ve been checking in now and then to see if I¢ve updated. I, like other post-hike journalists I¢ve read, have the same excuse: I¢ve been meaning to post updates but haven¢t. I don¢t know why. Well, knowing "why" is irrelevant. Asking why just opens you and me up to a story. I could tell you something like "I¢ve been busy" or "space aliens stole my laptop". Either answer gives the same result: no new journal entries. I guess I just haven¢t been holding the focus or space to let my writing flow as I did on the trail. So, the next time someone asks you "why", give 'em a good story. In the past few months I've settled into living at my fire house. It's very much like a hostel, but no bunk beds. Actually no beds at all. I sleep on the couch which is a surprisingly comfortable. I do like living there, but some days I do wish for my own space. I¢ve noticed myself not exactly taking root in the space of the firehouse. I clean up my stuff every morning and pack it into my little area of the meeting room, trying to make as little impact as possible. Why do I do this? Why not just spread out and act like, yes, I do live there. (Uh oh, I just asked why, story time¢¦) A reflection from my mother might give me a clue.The last few times I¢ve talked to my mom, she has said something to the effect of, ¢when are they going to kick you out of there (the firehouse)?¢ After my initial shock of hearing that, I dropped into the reflective process for a clue. Putting it all in the first person it would read like this: "when am I going to kick me out of there?"   Actually, 'there' is still not me, cuz it's all me, so the statement I'm making is: "when am I going to kick me out of me?" Almost sounds like a paradox doesn't it? What's this reflection telling me? Sounds like I'm sitting on my butt, not moving, and, if I don't get moving, I¢ll be giving myself a kick to get me going. Getting kicked out of the firehouse would definitely get me moving and change things. Though I would feel highly victimized by it.When I say "not moving" I don't mean sitting in front of the TV with a box of Oreos balanced on my belly. I'm going on more fire calls than ever, I clean the firehouse, I work at the Ambulance 24hrs a week, I take road trips to visit friends, and I toy with lots of neat ideas. Yeah, I toy with them. That's the ¢not moving¢ piece I'm asking myself to work with. I have all this volition to create new things in my life, but I don¢t follow through on most of them. The ideas are sparked in my mind and I get really excited about them. Then¢¦ the fear creeps in:Will this work?If it doesn¢t, I¢ll be wasting my money.Will this interfere with x, y, or z in the future?What if I want to hike in the summer? I¢ll have to quit doing this. If I quit, I¢ll let people down.These are the thoughts in my head I use to justify not doing what I feel I want to do. I trap myself because quitting is wrong and changing my choice after I¢ve started something is wrong. And being wrong is just plain wrong. Like most people, I want to be right, which is good. But what I really hate is the FEELING of being wrong. So, in order to avoid that fate, I choose not to do anything 'risky' (which is another word for fun, excitement, wonder, and the unknown). My volition and sparking ideas sit on the launch pad awaiting orders.Where to go from here? I drop into my 'training', some of which I've talked about already in my journal.1). Stay in the moment. Only deal with what is (vs. what is not). In the moment, I cannot talk to my fears, because my fears are all about the future. Let's go over my list:Will this work? That's a question about the future.If it doesn¢t, I¢ll be wasting my money. Wasting money is about 'lack' or denial of what is.Will this interfere with x,y, or z in the future? Obvious, no?What if I want to hike in the summer? Future, again.If I quit, I'll let people down. Ok, this one is different and hard to explain, so I'm not going to go deep into it. In short, it's layering denial on top of denial so I won't feel me disconnecting from myself (another denial). That line is an emotional protection, but it doesn't get me anywhere.2). This is my creation. I create the fear and the denial and also all the stuff in my world. Owning it helps to dispel the addiction to the behavior. I also recognize I can still spark all those neat ideas and have my fears at the same time. They are mutually exclusive creations, which I did not realize before.3). Look at the reflections I'm getting.4). Express. This would be a totally different world if people would just express whatever is inside them. I asked my buddy Vywamus which one of my ideas should I focus on right now (I have about 14 projects as of this writing). He said, "All of them."D: "Jah, what? Some of these are big projects."V: "Open space for all of them and see what happens. At any point if you feel like it's too much, just close down the space a little and your life will slow down."So that¢s what I'm doing. Starting the momentum for all my desires, watching where my fear comes up, practicing staying in the moment. I don't know what's going to happen. It's fun and also scary. -DharmaDS, luv ya girlie. Get well soon. Trailfrog¢¦ I¢ve lost contact with you. If you read this send me your new phone number. Anyone got her # or email?FYI. Deja Vu, who's in Africa right now, has a live journal.