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+[{"x": "it is in a group.", "y": "damn, that's cool."}, {"x": "it's amazing. you chose the only three things that are here to my roommate.", "y": "the group played shows your roommate or...?"}, {"x": "ted, i'm champion of skee-ball, since law school. i have come here at least once a month to keep my record.", "y": "looks like you're not income from a lease, a guy called \"big caramel\" you're passed."}, {"x": "yes, yes.", "y": "and you're \"big caramel.\""}, {"x": "you will not believe what jenkins has done this time.", "y": "who is jenkins?"}, {"x": "hilarious! there was a jar of cherries in the fridge, then jenkins said $ 200 and i eat the whole pot. so we gave him $ 200, and he ate the whole jar!", "y": "well it feels good to finally meet the famous jenkins, after all these stories."}, {"x": "and there's going to have another. i'll sleep with jenkins.", "y": "what?!"}, {"x": "you heard me.", "y": "you want to sleep with jenkins?"}, {"x": "with jenkins, of jenkins, near jenkins. you said it, i want to put like a sock.", "y": "but you are... really... i did not know that..."}, {"x": "ted jenkins here.", "y": "it's going to seem crazy, but i thought jenkins was a guy."}, {"x": "what!? where did you get it?", "y": "i do not know, maybe history jenkins pissed out the window of a taxi."}, {"x": "yes, even more impressive now, right?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "pelican rapids? my grandfather lives there. finally he's dead now, but it haunts a bar on a road.", "y": "wait, if you tell me that you flirt with a woman other than yours, i'll pull out and hit you."}, {"x": "i should correct, it would have been so simple.", "y": "look, i understand why you have not told him? you really think she would be jealous too."}, {"x": "ted, think of the stories i've told.", "y": "yes, it could be a problem."}, {"x": "lily can know nothing of what?", "y": "what marshall is going to buy a horse."}, {"x": "really?! it's great, i love this stuff. guys why this kid staring at me? i understand, i think it happens at last. i recognized my show.", "y": "that's so cute. but it's scotty, one of my students, and he looks at me me. weird that i'm more famous than you."}, {"x": "no, i go on tv.", "y": "and i have 30 students in my class, which means, go, 30 times your hearing. we're going to buy scotty a drink for old teacher. scotty then, a question on neoclassical architecture, and it's good."}, {"x": "you are robin scherbatsky, right?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "really?", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "bluntly. why do you hang out with ted?", "y": "uh, this is professor mosby."}, {"x": "the cow! robin scherbatsky is friends with my art teacher.", "y": "this is architecture. go will study."}, {"x": "and a second, you're \"big caramel\"?", "y": "go!"}, {"x": "it was not jealous at all.", "y": "of course she was not jealous, it is the dynamics of your relationship."}, {"x": "that's how it goes boy, every relationship has a low and high.", "y": "exactly, low in trying to conquer another out of reach, and the strong will go back down to be with the other person less."}, {"x": "try your luck.", "y": "so, to end modern architecture is very short, experimented with the houses in v. excuse me one second. what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "i've realized that you forgot something this morning, so i thought i would bring thee thy pen.", "y": "it's your pen, and you have chewed the end, recently."}, {"x": "nothing to ted, your course was on my way to work.", "y": "no, it is not."}, {"x": "really, you watch my show? you flatter me see. other fans here?", "y": "thank you for last, robin."}, {"x": "that night, great show on poisons. also, who makes the worst pizza in new york, i will give you information on traffic streets 5 and 9.", "y": "really? you watch his show? it's like watching an aquarium lit, and less interesting. and now that i think, not even informed."}, {"x": "the truth is that we look for the drinking game.", "y": "the what?"}, {"x": "but huh?", "y": "but um, it would seem, she often said."}, {"x": "it's funny, i also had a drinking game based on robin, robin finally. at the bottom of her stomach...", "y": "it was agreed that you do not speak of those things."}, {"x": "easy, that's the plan a, layer with jenkins. two, i sleep with jenkins first. three, the second rule is the first i'm going to rule 2.", "y": "okay, i know. you remember the other night, the game of skee-ball, when you did your good score?"}, {"x": "do you think she was flirting with me?", "y": "bluntly."}, {"x": "sure, i have an opening. if madame lily is jealous, young marshall can not move, then by chance, the \"big caramel\"... may move, ok let me try again.", "y": "okay, i understand."}, {"x": "ted, i have a great idea.", "y": "remove your hair in the bathtub once you're done? looks like you want to make a bath mat."}, {"x": "if you want to make one of your classes exciting, i could read it from someone a little more fun, your students can pay attention and learn.", "y": "oh, you're entertaining? last night there were 3 minutes of silence where you tried to patch up your sweater."}, {"x": "look, just because your class prefers me to you...", "y": "... you're a drinking game."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "that's why they watch. they did a drinking game on you.every time you say \"but um\", they take a sh*t."}, {"x": "but umm?", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "i'm not but um, i never told but hum.", "y": "so i guess it's not a great drinking game. this means that last night when we played with barney, i was not drunk and i did not vomit on it. except that i did these two things here, take this."}, {"x": "it happened! have you... meatballs?", "y": "and here's a few of his contributions to architecture and now... we remember him for just one thing. my friends this is the sad legacy of gregorio... franchetti gazibo. questions?"}, {"x": "you want to come to the bar with us tonight?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "yeah, we wanted to do some of robin scherbatsky, if you want to come?", "y": "well, what can i say except... um but i am! i can always come? i will pay?"}, {"x": "but hum!", "y": "it's not pretty!"}, {"x": "but hum!", "y": "no, no, no, do not drink, it's a trap!"}, {"x": "we should drink professor, is the rule! she said but um.", "y": "my god, help us all!"}, {"x": "oh my god. wow.", "y": "he decides his victim."}, {"x": "how cute, marshall. but i think mom knows when she was a hit. i mean, he could not help but look at me.", "y": "and well, do not push too. people can be fragile. and sometimes, without even trying, you can tear someone's heart, and crush it in front of a roomful of 26 people and a teacher's assistant."}, {"x": "how it happened at school today, ted?", "y": "something bad happened. this was the first course of the semester..."}, {"x": "present.", "y": "come on guys, you would have at least been able to make it sound right. jen coulin?"}, {"x": "present.", "y": "what happened to classic? sat troulcu, ted and bill oukoi, maby stoukette, roland cule, that's false names, but jen coulin?"}, {"x": "here.", "y": "jen coulin!"}, {"x": "it's just there.", "y": "come on, i wait, swing all your jokes about jen coulin."}, {"x": "you really soiled the name of jen coulin.", "y": "have you finished?"}, {"x": "this is a lucky girl, barney was my best sh*t.", "y": "and this is the best friend i ever had."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "you share it? your share forever."}, {"x": "of course i do.", "y": "that's exactly what you are."}, {"x": "you know, lily and i was looking for a new couple of friends since we lost robin and barney, and ted and stella and ted and robin, and ted... ted and victoria, when do you arrive to keep one?", "y": "how we came up with that?"}, {"x": "our toothbrush?", "y": "our toothbrush?"}, {"x": "every day?", "y": "marshall, 4 of 5 dentists have just vomited on."}, {"x": "wow. 3 girls in 3 nights. this is gross, even from barney.", "y": "yuck? are you kidding? there is no one left to do..."}, {"x": "i can even say, without a fault. i'd love to say the same of my friends.", "y": "jen has not come into being today."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "jen coulin."}, {"x": "no! shut up! you have not a kind of toothbrush to share or something like that?", "y": "yeah. when did you start doing that too?"}, {"x": "it's been years! you had to know, you lived with us.", "y": "yeah, but you always keep your toothbrush in the bathroom, which is, incidentally, also weird."}, {"x": "we kept her in the bathroom.", "y": "no, there was a toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine."}, {"x": "oh my god!", "y": "finish me!"}, {"x": "hey, i try. i'm not you. it was then comes the night no 5, and trouble with.", "y": "beer! salvation."}, {"x": "hi. how is barney?", "y": "like a charm. as all week."}, {"x": "yeah? hard to believe.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "i think he'll get fired.", "y": "i can not believe that barney is going to get fired."}, {"x": "i'll go talk to him.", "y": "no! you can not distract a man who is right... you know what."}, {"x": "it must go talk to him.", "y": "i'm going. he needs a brother. hey buddy."}, {"x": "hey!", "y": "is everything okay?"}, {"x": "absolutely. a background. it could not get better. i make fun of that? i need you.", "y": "anything you want. what's the matter?"}, {"x": "which of these girls look the most stupid?", "y": "let's see it. already heated to perfection? the smashed out? ok i will deal for big mac."}, {"x": "so what did he say?", "y": "what? oh, it will try with the girl holding the burger there."}, {"x": "you were supposed to talk about his loss of job.", "y": "lily, why is that force him to face a problem that can not adjust will help?"}, {"x": "and why ignore it will fix things?", "y": "you're much ignored the problems of dental hygiene for a dozen years. and yet you seem to..."}, {"x": "jen coulin.", "y": "dale you called?"}, {"x": "hey!", "y": "hey, what are you doing here? returns to the bar!"}, {"x": "ted, relax. i am already 6 of 6.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "yeah. i ate at the tavern of vegetables, i started talking to the swedish top model, and the next moment we batifolait in the back of a carriage. go my beautiful, hue!", "y": "great. what really happened?"}, {"x": "no vain, ok? between number 5 and i, there was a connection. she will resume her studies, she has a child or who is studying... something with \"studies\".", "y": "now my students have taught me that jen coulin abandon my material."}, {"x": "it scales all his education in the toilet.", "y": "news from dale?"}, {"x": "forget not you bring your toothbrush.", "y": "lily, what are you doing?"}, {"x": "try to sleep with seven women in seven nights, that's not what i would call \"very well get out.\" it is a cry for help.", "y": "his whole life is a call for help. but we do not mess with a man who is in the midst of a no..."}, {"x": "you have the eye to notice such details, jim nantz.", "y": "i can not believe that thou hast brought him bad luck."}, {"x": "ok, i have a question. if i ruined everything, why is it that barney is in the process of hanging the girl three martinis in there?", "y": "oh, my god!"}, {"x": "lily, i'll buy my own toothbrush.", "y": "well, that's it. barney's still got to 6."}, {"x": "this is nick swisher. it is part of the new york yankees. no regular guy from new york can not compete with a yankee.", "y": "and this is true for a former yankee. when i arrived here, i was the fourth date with a girl i loved a lot before i do the fly by phil rizzuto."}, {"x": "lily, if one of the vancouver canucks came here, i fall on my ass so that there would be a hole halfway to china in the soil.", "y": "it's the same thing for the yankees."}, {"x": "a collection of snow globes?", "y": "he is pinball."}, {"x": "nice try.", "y": "it was well played, well played, well played."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. but for what it's worth, this week was not a waste of time. we all had a horrible week, and you have helped us change a little air.", "y": "yeah, i got my first drop."}, {"x": "... huh?", "y": "wait a minute. when we went out together, you borrow the toothbrush all the time."}, {"x": "oh, sh*t.", "y": "at the second she sits next to swisher, we reach the end."}, {"x": "damn. swisher is back in play swisher is back in play!", "y": "follow me. hey, nick swisher! this guy and his wife share a toothbrush!"}, {"x": "and?", "y": "and it's weird, right?"}, {"x": "martini?", "y": "you take a beer with a yankee, if that's not cool!"}, {"x": "may the heroic story of barney to be remembered, and transmitted from generation to generation.", "y": "i already see myself in front of my children, trying to tell them when their uncle barney kissed 7 chicks in a row."}, {"x": "\"welcome back to superbowl xliv in miami. get a load of that guy! you think that's his real number?\"", "y": "well, that explains where barney is."}, {"x": "hey, guys!", "y": "hey!"}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "hey, ranjit!"}, {"x": "ok i've enlisted ranjit's services as my personal driver because for the next week i'll be sleeping with hundreds of women and i don't want to take the subway cause... you know... germs!", "y": "wait, you're... you're actually gonna hook up with these girls that call you?"}, {"x": "oh, indubitably! i'm meeting the first one here any minute. keep your eyes pealed for a red sweater. based on her texts, she's dirty, dyslexic and want to 96 me, semi-colon and parenthesis.", "y": "this ought to be good. i can only imagine the quality of girls..."}, {"x": "how's it going?", "y": "that beer looks a little flat."}, {"x": "nuh, it's scotch.", "y": "something troubling you, kiddo?"}, {"x": "he asked me out.", "y": "that's crazy! and they use \"ulee\" because of the vowels."}, {"x": "what would your viewers think?", "y": "wow wow wow, you said you'd go out with him on valentine's? i thought we had plans!"}, {"x": "getting drunk and cleaning the apartment was a plan?", "y": "i did not...say... it was a good plan."}, {"x": "guys, guys, guys, we're on me now. and it is getting in-teh-resting. looks at these texts. read this one. yowza! now look at this one. does she text her mother with those fingers? now look at this one... or this one, or this one, or this one, or...", "y": "ok ok ok buddy, how about you do this? go nail that girl, then read your texts."}, {"x": "i know, isn't it wonderful? go for barney. cut to the chase, what's your cup size?...oh, hi mom!", "y": "so there's a hotter girl. isn't that the problem in a nutshell? there's too many options. you got internet dating, you got bars..."}, {"x": "i never had that problem. when i was 18, i had an arranged marriage. and i love my wife more and more every day.", "y": "hm."}, {"x": "err, of course he asked me out.", "y": "err no he didn't."}, {"x": "whaaat?!! nooo, i hate don! i-i-i can't stop thinking how much i hate him, it's like, it's like... all the time. i just wanna att*ck him and rip his stupid clothes off and spank him with his little paddle until his bum's all red. shut up!!", "y": "see! that right there is what free will gets you. constant ego-shattering uncertainty. i'm done with that. i want what ranjit has. i've spent my entire adult life looking for the perfect woman and i'm spending valentine's day scrubbing the toilet. i need someone else to find me that woman. marshall, lily, arrange-marriage me!"}, {"x": "you want us to arrange your marriage?", "y": "absolutely. looks there's two sides to dating, right? picking and getting picked. getting picked, i'm good at. ladies looove teddy westside."}, {"x": "you're waiting for me to comment on your self-assigned nickname? well, here's my comment. i love it.", "y": "really?!"}, {"x": "teddy westside? continue.", "y": "it's the picking, i suck at. i pick the wrong girls. but you guys, you're the best pickers i know. you picked each other."}, {"x": "and a healthy splash of drakkar noir.", "y": "get out there and find me a girl. we'll double date on valentine's day. if i like her, i will marry her... if she's cool with it. and she will be. cause i'll wear my nice blazer."}, {"x": "robin, neurologically speaking, the part of the human brain that makes you hate people is located right next to the part of the brain that makes you want to jump people's bones. the two responses are so similar, it's hard to tell them apart.", "y": "you know what it's like? wait, i have to get a book. give me 30 seconds."}, {"x": "relationships are like that. i mean, look, when you first met don, you hated him, you thought \"this guy's a duck\", but one of these days you're gonna realize \"this is actually someone that i love, he's a rabbit\".", "y": "wow i think you got it backwards there, buddy. the duck is the thing you love, the rabbit is the thing you hate."}, {"x": "i got... ducks are... ducks are... rabbits are adorable. ducks are aargh. have you ever been in a fight with a duck? i mean, ducks are... jerks.", "y": "duck is delicious. rabbit is all gamey."}, {"x": "we're not talking about flavour, ted.", "y": "flavour counts."}, {"x": "you wrap yourself in a comforter stuffed with rabbit hair. i wrap myself in one stuffed with duck feathers. who's cosier? no, no, no, no, no, no... who's cosier?", "y": "hold on, i've got to get another book."}, {"x": "because it's illegal, ted!", "y": "only if we bet on it, marshall!"}, {"x": "say it.", "y": "you have to say it."}, {"x": "yay.", "y": "yesss."}, {"x": "thank you. and don is, and always will be, a rabbit.", "y": "oh i wouldn't be so sure about that, robin. think about it. don... donald. donald... duck. and what, i wonder, does donald duck never wear?"}, {"x": "pants.", "y": "pants. don's... a duck. permission to say \"lawyered\"?"}, {"x": "i'll allow it.", "y": "lawyered."}, {"x": "this is stupid. you know what, we forgot about this. i'm sure ted did also.", "y": "here comes the groom in his favorite blazer, gonna meet my wife and i'm...laser, tazer, gaze her, take, bathe her?"}, {"x": "hey, ted?", "y": "yeah?"}, {"x": "before you go meet your future wife, why don't you swing by don's party with me?", "y": "that's what you're wearing?"}, {"x": "yeah, why?", "y": "he's a duck. that dude be straight-ducking. \"and i think that i'll amaze her\". nailed it!"}, {"x": "they're not gonna get...", "y": "i'm just saying, if they do... i'll just say \"well, i got a dinner res\" and then, wait this is the last part, i've been working on it for a while... i'll duck out."}, {"x": "hello, robin.", "y": "well, i got a dinner res..."}, {"x": "you could say that.", "y": "so he's a rabbit. at least you know for sure."}, {"x": "ted, this may hurt a little, i'm recycling your old architecture weekly magazines.", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "oh, thank god, you're here!", "y": "yeah, i've been thinking, hmm, maybe we should call this whole thing off..."}, {"x": "we have to find ted a wife. we're being too choosey. it almost doesn't matter who it is at this point.", "y": "it's a phone girl!?"}, {"x": "i know, i know... but no, then we met her and ted... she's a world-class violinist, she's a gourmet cook and she can quote every line from caddy shack.", "y": "wow."}, {"x": "and you, sir? the rabbit or the duck?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "it's a pre-fixed menu for valentine's day and we're already out of the steak, fish and chicken. so rabbit or duck?", "y": "rabbit. sorry, guys, i gotta go."}, {"x": "a true gentleman invents an excuse to bring home a respectable lady. something interesting or beautiful that can claim to admire for 5 minutes before it starts on the track.", "y": "as if she had to \"borrow a book\" or \"listen to old vinyl.\""}, {"x": "it's tricky. it must be interesting enough that the girl up, but not too much not to spoil the evening.", "y": "a mini pig? on which it would work?"}, {"x": "you can see the mini pig?", "y": "i can borrow your mini pig?"}, {"x": "you have a mini pig? i can not believe it! you're too cute!you're the cutest little pig on earth! what?", "y": "you've always been so beautiful? you're going out on \"in high school i was super shy and i in my skin\"?"}, {"x": "i was shy and ill at ease. i'd like 50 more pounds and protruding teeth.", "y": "seriously?"}, {"x": "no. i was always canon. what can i do? you know who else would love this mini pig? my boyfriend.", "y": "you got a boyfriend?"}, {"x": "i know... boring, eh? finally, it is... not really my boyfriend.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "well, technically it is.", "y": "he is or not?"}, {"x": "a little each but not both.", "y": "do you understand anything?"}, {"x": "i appreciate you. but you must be patient. i do not want to lose you, my dark brown.", "y": "someone does not want to lose his dark brown."}, {"x": "she gave you her hook.", "y": "what? i am not to his hook."}, {"x": "it was fine in the end. it freed me from its hook.", "y": "that's not the same with me and tiffany. listen."}, {"x": "really? you really gonna sit and watch the door all night because tiffany said she would try to pass?", "y": "i will not give up."}, {"x": "ted, let me be clear. that girl is poison and you have to forget your life forever.", "y": "there she is. it has led to colleagues."}, {"x": "hold on to it. never lets go! i have never seen more beautiful girls. they all work with tiffany?", "y": "yep."}, {"x": "there can be only one explanation for that. tiffany is a representative... e, pharmaceuticals?", "y": "how do you know?"}, {"x": "and you never thought to say?", "y": "what? it's just a job."}, {"x": "that a b... since time immemorial there has always been a professional edge to which girls g*ns, like tiffany, have flocked. i'll redo the story?", "y": "i will not say explicitly."}, {"x": "hi my great darkness. how are you?", "y": "okay. in fact, you've dumped your loser of guy?"}, {"x": "no, sir.", "y": "she touched my nose."}, {"x": "not as much. not as much.", "y": "friends, good news. tiffany broke up with her boyfriend. so i'm not the hook."}, {"x": "you're always on the hook.", "y": "look what we did yesterday."}, {"x": "and let me guess it's not gone further than that.", "y": "well, no, but..."}, {"x": "and tell me, would you have accidentally made this chocolate cake?", "y": "it was a pre-made."}, {"x": "there's no shame to admit it. we were all hooked and we all hooked someone.", "y": "i've never done that."}, {"x": "are you kidding? and this daughter of the university library? henrietta?", "y": "henrietta and i are just friends."}, {"x": "it is too much to your hook.", "y": "absolutely not."}, {"x": "you like to have henrietta close for the same reason that tiffany likes to have you close, it flatters the ego.", "y": "you amaze me that such an expert is to keep people on your hook. and this poor cameraman your job?"}, {"x": "mike and i are just friends.", "y": "come on."}, {"x": "what! i do not keep mike in my hook.", "y": "you're captain hook."}, {"x": "dude, i'm a girl. our female parts are like a cobweb.sometimes you jokes of things you want to.", "y": "that's not why it's good."}, {"x": "and henrietta, in any way, are not losing time with you, huh?", "y": "henrietta knows we're just friends. in fact, i'll call and get away with it tonight, friends."}, {"x": "i love you. what? want a foot massage? because i'm driven on me.", "y": "no, that's fine."}, {"x": "i did not know if you were hungry, i did some stuff... nothing special.", "y": "hello?"}, {"x": "hey ted!", "y": "hey tiffany!"}, {"x": "i go to the country this weekend at a friends wedding.wanna be my cavalier?", "y": "i would love that. what are you doing here? great. see you in 10 minutes. super. sorry, henrietta, something unexpected.we redo it, my friend?"}, {"x": "yeah, it's not a concern.", "y": "it works, yeah."}, {"x": "i heard.", "y": "champagne?"}, {"x": "i forgot to call you.", "y": "whatever it is, we can talk now."}, {"x": "this is jack. this is the man at the wedding. we just get back together.", "y": "now that i think a call would have been nice."}, {"x": "you've missed so much, baby.", "y": "you know what? that will not work between us... ever. i'm done. and that's really better for traffic if you weight the arch with your thumbs. now i'm done."}, {"x": "my son!", "y": "yeah, there was a..."}, {"x": "what did you do?", "y": "honestly, i thought to marry him just out of sheer embarrassment. but i did the right thing. i did what anyone who has someone should hook her. i would have broken my heart."}, {"x": "right now?", "y": "ever."}, {"x": "but we're still going to marry, does not it?", "y": "it was violent."}, {"x": "i could be more unfortunate. all night, she goes back on me. i brought her back home and she runs away? when i loose a daughter, i am polite to sleep with her before. it is good manners.", "y": "it looks like she has read this book, of course you're alone, look at you, poor trail. what? it was this book that helps girls find a husband. it is that of robin. i just laminated. okay! barney, when you were with this girl, she subtly used the word \"sex\"?"}, {"x": "she did it too!", "y": "and here's the final test. next time, invite the following evening. the book says that it is forbidden, then surely it will give you a bogus excuse, like, \"i can not tomorrow night. i have already planned to clean my garage and i take a bubble bath.but why not next week? \""}, {"x": "excuse me, someone is using this stool?", "y": "that is no sex before hot date 17th."}, {"x": "i will not give up, but yes. for, thanks to the book of ted...", "y": "from robin is robin."}, {"x": "sh*t. i read this entire book and i find no fault. what will i do?", "y": "there is another option... but you're not ready."}, {"x": "tell me.", "y": "if you must conclude in one hot date, a date that must be crazy. i do not speak of a restaurant-cine. or mini golf. i speak of... 17 romantic rendezvous grouped into one incredible night. i mean... a super hot date."}, {"x": "a great date? it's not very catchy. and if i say a mega date?", "y": "if you want my help, it's a super hot date."}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "let me do it. i will plan everything."}, {"x": "you're going to plan everything? this is cutesy and romantic?", "y": "cutesy and romantic? no need to take him to paris or peru..."}, {"x": "they look at us.", "y": "how important it is for you..."}, {"x": "it looks to me like cutesy and romantic. box strip?", "y": "box strip."}, {"x": "robin canceled his hot date.", "y": "what? she was super excited there is one hour."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "you're excited to go out with don?"}, {"x": "you know what? looks good. do not tell marshall.", "y": "i will say nothing. i bet you will spend a good evening. and not, however, a great night. a great night will be spent by barney during his date with anita. a carriage ride, dinner at \"tombeur panties.\" they call it a super hot date."}, {"x": "ted! how could you do that?! robin has just released his period of mourning!", "y": "she seemed happy after the break."}, {"x": "you see nothing. typical of a guy. she was obviously devastated.", "y": "wait, but that would mean..."}, {"x": "a song about the number of girls that barney has typed recently.", "y": "i'll sing a verse."}, {"x": "super.", "y": "where is she?"}, {"x": "why are you angry against me?", "y": "you were a real assh*le to robin when she was in her period of mourning."}, {"x": "the period of mourning? she has not had a period of mourning.", "y": "you see nothing."}, {"x": "and you? you're interested.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "this is a $ 500 fine for having jumped into the river. i hope it was worth it.", "y": "this is an old story of married women."}, {"x": "good enough. pretty... pretty good.", "y": "how so?"}, {"x": "totally. it is a tightrope, but still.", "y": "happy birthday! here is amanda."}, {"x": "ted, you had to bring a cheesecake, but you've brought two shopping bags and a girl who knows not. my name is marshall. welcome. ted talks.", "y": "amanda will make a cake for lily. she is head. we met at the restaurant last week when i returned my soup. fortunately, she has such beautiful hair it not bother me a bit to eat."}, {"x": "thank you. you wrote all that you love our queen of the day. and lilypad, you must guess who wrote what. \"from his friends to his students, lily that everyone in his life...\"", "y": "lily is a teacher. hence the \"students\"."}, {"x": "\"... feel loved. she makes the best cookies oatmeal raisin-, the goonies knows by heart... \"", "y": "lily saw the goonies just after his parents separated. after that, she had real problems of trust."}, {"x": "tell me if you need help. quick, group photo! all front of the fireplace.", "y": "wait, i'll find amanda."}, {"x": "no problem, it is occupied. the bother, come on.", "y": "wait... you do not want amanda on the picture, right?"}, {"x": "well, you know, auto focus, speed of obstruction, zoom...", "y": "lily, what's the matter?"}, {"x": "who wants a party hat? i'm a bird! all do the bird!", "y": "tell me the truth."}, {"x": "of course not. i let another of your b*tches spoil my memories.", "y": "lily, what are you talking?"}, {"x": "ted, you always do that. you bring a girl knows that not all our evenings with us.", "y": "that's not true."}, {"x": "christmas morning, there was 4. our first christmas together, just us five. here's another nice little game. it's called, appoints this bitch.", "y": "that's pap pa......"}, {"x": "funny. every year my mother took tea with her friend easter bell. not so funny.", "y": "i remember, this is sarah."}, {"x": "and me too. he has how many hands?", "y": "normal if it is good guitarist."}, {"x": "it's physically impossible for me to take a picture ugly. i know why. ask god.", "y": "lily, sorry for amanda. but i'll say. you make your spoiled rotten. you in all your statements because you think i messed up two three photos?"}, {"x": "and marshall came to me to spring break. and at the last minute, ted decided to go with the girl he had just to get back, karen.", "y": "i'm so excited you're here."}, {"x": "wait, i must tell you something.", "y": "really? because i think i want to tell you the same thing."}, {"x": "the camera loves me. much more than that. the device i want. the unit wants to put on underwear, put an al green cd, dim the lights and do all the work while i was still lying with closed eyes.", "y": "i feel sorry for paris and group photos ruined, but... when you're single, you must hope that every girl is good. i mean, erin.irene."}, {"x": "emily. isabelle.", "y": "and sarah."}, {"x": "leilani! what's your problem?", "y": "at the time, i thought each of these girls could be good, but i have to keep hoping. i have no choice."}, {"x": "you should listen to robin.", "y": "because robin is your best friend."}, {"x": "right.", "y": "your best friend on earth."}, {"x": "attention lily. it's a trap.", "y": "before being your best friend, what was she? that's it. one of my random sluts."}, {"x": "it puts an end to all this conversation about the b*tches.back to the birthday song! barney, your part is this \"she's cute she's cute.\"", "y": "i bring these girls to party because you are important. you are my family."}, {"x": "like the time we celebrated the success of marshall to the bar.", "y": "here's the disgusting smelly hippie with whom i go out."}, {"x": "it's as if you had done.", "y": "here's framboise."}, {"x": "you must order more food?", "y": "no. raspberry does not eat."}, {"x": "meat is m*rder! m*rder!", "y": "i confess. raspberry was a mistake. but how would i know?"}, {"x": "it was called raspberry!", "y": "if this is so important, amanda is not in the picture. it does not spoil your birthday. give him a chance."}, {"x": "out!", "y": "amanda refuses to return. she thinks you hate it. marshall, you have to go apologize."}, {"x": "you've ruined lily's birthday and you want me to apologize? at worst, you should apologize.", "y": "what are you talking?"}, {"x": "shut up.", "y": "sorry that my search for love has you so upset. you know, your precious photos might be better if i was not over."}, {"x": "cheap sh*t. low blow.", "y": "you know what these pictures? a big lie. we ask. they are retouched. they are what you want but not the reality."}, {"x": "this is not true!", "y": "oh? look at that one. halloween, there is 2 years old. you had not played because you wanted to disguise yourself as a penguin."}, {"x": "it's not that she would not, but she said that penguins are zero. penguins.", "y": "and yet you're there, smiling as if nothing was wrong, completely wrong. robin's birthday, there is 3 years old. robin had a cold, and you made him remove his pajamas for the photo."}, {"x": "it's true.", "y": "yeah, that was good."}, {"x": "it's true.", "y": "do you remember what happened?"}, {"x": "well, are you ready?", "y": "wait, we take what poses? the two cops friends?"}, {"x": "yeah. just one second per cons. we are writing history. we'll take our first picture of roommate.", "y": "and if you came to ask us?"}, {"x": "really?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "what are you doing, ted? and if one breaks?", "y": "and if you break it?"}, {"x": "i had totally forgotten that. marshall and i were together for only a few weeks and you invited me in the photo.", "y": "i liked you."}, {"x": "we must bring back amanda.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "you believed in me. it's my turn to believe in you. as far as i know, this is good.", "y": "thank you, lil."}, {"x": "come on everybody, come here. let's make a memory.", "y": "marshall, try this. keep your eyes closed until the last second and when i say, open them."}, {"x": "what? where?", "y": "now, marshall!"}, {"x": "names that bitch.", "y": "ann has...? anna?"}, {"x": "hawaii is fun. a buddy of mine lives in seattle. it's really not bad. but the best place? i must say, the moon.", "y": "you're not convinced a girl that you were the first to walk on the moon? it was seven years before you were born."}, {"x": "so, after 20 minutes, the eagle has landed. we fuse into space. houston, we have a complainer. other double entender related to space.", "y": "why are you lying all the time?"}, {"x": "a single interview proper, it would be nice for a change.", "y": "okay, i look at my calendar, see when i'm available. but i want a list of questions in advance and nothing about my private life."}, {"x": "you have nabbed seven in a row?", "y": "seven in a row. but i speak not of it. i talk about my selection for the construction of a scale model of the empire state building for the greater recovery of the new york skyline in the world."}, {"x": "that's the thing with which you played the other day?", "y": "i was playing it. i was working."}, {"x": "ted? you redo the end of sleepless in seattle with polly pocket?", "y": "how long are you here?"}, {"x": "ten seconds.", "y": "yeah, just the end."}, {"x": "what!?", "y": "it was literally across the country a hundred times for a pizza."}, {"x": "you...?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "oh, sweetie. i have a trick to help you sleep. glue this under your pillow. you'll sleep like a f*cking baby.", "y": "robin puts it."}, {"x": "he wore no black cap. it is wearing nothing at all.", "y": "wait, so..."}, {"x": "i do not ask where he kept his w*apon.", "y": "we're sure it was a w*apon?"}, {"x": "you're telling us...", "y": "what you got mugged..."}, {"x": "forget the w*apon. it is on that now.", "y": "the monkeys att*ck people? it really is a jungle out."}, {"x": "really? they caught him?", "y": "he is behind bars."}, {"x": "i've seen. that's why i take the taxi.", "y": "you know how they caught him, huh?"}, {"x": "they tracked.", "y": "they tracked!"}, {"x": "you've been mugged by a monkey!", "y": "it might be curious. you were wearing a yellow hat?"}, {"x": "no one wants to see a guy who comes to play with dolls.", "y": "first, it was not what you think. secondly, you got a guy playing with dolls."}, {"x": "only if they are holding up well. last year, i found one of her frolicking with gi joe. this is not funny. what were you thinking? and if you were pregnant?", "y": "and you invited back for a second interview."}, {"x": "i've just been mugged.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "and it was the best thing in my life 3.", "y": "funny, you look like you just got two vodka and tonic in the face."}, {"x": "me too. guys, it will not. i can not do that.", "y": "it's a little embarrassing. so what?"}, {"x": "that's not it. guys... i'm not assaulted by a monkey.", "y": "so, you've not been mugged by a monkey?"}, {"x": "no, that's not it.", "y": "so you got the monkey att*cked?"}, {"x": "you sure it was not a monkey on the shoulders of another monkey, wearing a trench coat?", "y": "that would be the right size."}, {"x": "ted, do not do that...", "y": "i could not say. it smells good. but i could not say."}, {"x": "i still say that it happened.", "y": "maybe. but, marshall, if you have not been att*cked by a monkey, robin must not speak on his show. it would be more credible."}, {"x": "journalists lie constantly. sorry, but i believe that jack palance is dead when i see the body.", "y": "it will perhaps shock you barney, but people do not like lying to them."}, {"x": "yeah! i knew it.", "y": "now i think you're not really mugged by a monkey."}, {"x": "come on, ted.", "y": "come here. seriously, what's your flavor? it's intoxicating."}, {"x": "do not be nervous. we will sit down... it's that thing, whore?", "y": "i know. looks like something covered by a sheet. if you want to discover, you will have to do a story on it."}, {"x": "dude, what do you do?", "y": "i do not think marshall will lie on tv. and when it gives up, i wanna be there for robin, with a story. or rather, 102 stories, because it is the height of a building in new york."}, {"x": "you know if it was att*cked?", "y": "i have no idea."}, {"x": "sh*t. okay, put a microphone.", "y": "micro and makeup in place. the socks of the arch duchess."}, {"x": "it was not very satisfactory. when i tell that he was att*cked by a monkey. and i keep the stuff of banana. it was good.", "y": "barney, stop lying. you can not put another end because the conclusion does not satisfy you."}, {"x": "really? well, believe me, mosby. one day you shall tell this story and you'll see things my way.", "y": "i doubt it."}, {"x": "ted, your mother is really a woman... really erotic boy.", "y": "please do not."}, {"x": "as a painter, slash, composer, slash, voluntary combatant with fear. i find it incredibly... sensual. but you have sex own memories of your mother, right?", "y": "please, stop."}, {"x": "i can not believe i'm with this man.", "y": "mom, mom, it's good. you're not obliged to ask you with him. there's full of guys..."}, {"x": "it's so cool! and he chooses!", "y": "yeah! finally, i... i'm glad you're happy."}, {"x": "i feel like my 19 years. it is as if the past 35 years had never happened.", "y": "i love to listen to you, mom."}, {"x": "hello everyone. mahallow to be there with us. throughout my life, well, this life. i waited a muse as virginia. girl... this is your song.", "y": "oh my god."}, {"x": "robin whining during the song clint. oh, i've already said. the super good sister of ted, heather!", "y": "i gotta go."}, {"x": "wait, ted. and your speech?", "y": "inventing an emergency or anything. i... i... i'll get it."}, {"x": "she cried to the song of clint.", "y": "hi, guys."}, {"x": "is that okay?", "y": "oh, that's fine. i'm in top form. go. we'll take a look!"}, {"x": "yeah, but where we're going to end?", "y": "first, let me tell you what happened on the wedding day."}, {"x": "we do not want to know what you do on the internet when you feel alone.", "y": "i have not spent... it is not that part of the night i was talking about."}, {"x": "what, are you saying that you bought the house?", "y": "i mean, i put an online auction and i won the next day and i was accepted. i have just finalized all the paperwork."}, {"x": "try not to laugh with you that, man.", "y": "so, i thought this piece would be the desktop. you see, a place just for dad. i mean, kids can come if they read a book, but no toy. this is not about to hold my love. it is rather a question of drawing a boundary."}, {"x": "ted, you're barge. it will take years and a small fortune for it to be liveable.", "y": "i'm an architect. i would find a way. and if i start now, this is over so that my wife and i can move."}, {"x": "is it in the room with us right now, ted?", "y": "okay, okay. i know. i have not found ms. mosby yet, but i will get it. knock on wood."}, {"x": "okay, well. ted let alone a little, right?", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "gamin.", "y": "gamin."}, {"x": "hi, i'm here for inspection.", "y": "oh, great! i began to think that you would not come."}, {"x": "well i'm here for a while, but i think the bell does not work.", "y": "hmm."}, {"x": "wait, wait. you will inspect the place where now?", "y": "well, yeah."}, {"x": "a kid! mom, are you? you always make a fuss about nothing.", "y": "hey, check the porch, huh? go. i will put a gate there.every sunday here, it'll be a huge party sausage."}, {"x": "hmm... sausage party?", "y": "burgers, burgers will be made."}, {"x": "ted, stop that. you can not keep this house. this is a huge mistake.", "y": "lily, listen to me. i had a plan, right? a woman, a house, children, and it turned out that the universe is really sh*t to what is the wife and children. so what is the thing i can control? the house i bought. it's not a huge mistake."}, {"x": "you see, you should have waited to see all the problems that home.", "y": "you can always have problems with any decision, but you can not let that stop you. first day in college, marshall knew he wanted to spend his life with you. and if someone was there to contradict his decision?"}, {"x": "not so fast. was some form of problem here. these hips are not suitable for a baby eriksen.and that thing she does not have the right filter. this is a maintenance problem that never leave. and i know you think like this gothic look now. but basically, you've always imagined with a spanish style? i would recommend you take a look at the options in the lease.", "y": "but marshall took the risk, and that's the best thing that ever happened to you both."}, {"x": "well, good news. i think we all will soon be out of here.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "yes, i ended up downstairs and outside. now, i could continue to look and see what i could do except black mold, bearing walls damaged, frayed electrical son, lead paint, water damage, fire damage, sun damage, off the cares, the floor is rotting... oh, look at that, not termites. the chimney cracked, bats, rats, spiders, raccoons, the tramp, the gutter parts, the old fuse box, paint the kitchen which is not bad, but really swear the plates with the plans working. or i could advise you not to buy this miserable house guantanamo bay, and suggest you break all by before a wind blowing through all son of b*tches from here.", "y": "and if i had already bought the son of a bitch?"}, {"x": "he said he had found a tramp?", "y": "ok, yes. there are problems. but i see this house as i know it can be. i see a swing on the tree outside. i see a crown on the front door at christmas. i see a barbecue outside on the patio or i would make barbec every weekend. i see a life i know i can be here."}, {"x": "oh, stay there. huge hole on the second floor. i just want to be sure the report is accurate.", "y": "you were right. it was a huge mistake. it's just that... the world is changing, but me... you have a flat 'for years. it's getting serious between robin and don. barney, perhaps this is a new tie?"}, {"x": "thank you. my god.", "y": "now my mother remarried. i... i'm exactly the same spot 5 years ago. i'm tired. i'm... i'm ready for life that goes with this house."}, {"x": "ok, buddy. sometimes people make bad decisions in life. like your mother.", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "ted, as you know, i've always been really, really addicted to your mother.", "y": "please, stop."}, {"x": "actually, virginia and i spent a special time in 2006.before clint.", "y": "what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "i wanted to be your father!", "y": "what does that mean?"}, {"x": "okay, this is a mellencamp.", "y": "guys, i'm in trouble. i mean, the best i can do is to improve the house and sell the property with great losses."}, {"x": "listen, ted... usually in life, when you make a huge mistake, you must learn to live with. but how many times you got the chance to take a mass break out and all?", "y": "it's silly."}, {"x": "your mother and i were at second base.", "y": "thank you lily. it was fantastic."}, {"x": "a ted mosby, owner, friends, and if he can rent it, slumlord.", "y": "there... there is one last thing i should do."}, {"x": "ted, what are you doing here?", "y": "i have not been able to make your speech. i was selfish and i freaked out and i'm so sorry, so... and here... \"a hand sign for the dj? dee made the sign... \"i pass. \"mom, i love you, and i've never seen him so happy with clint. and clint, welcome in the family... what you both is what i'd really like to have someday. but in the meantime, health to you both. i love you. \""}, {"x": "you're probably right.", "y": "you should live with him."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "yeah, you're happy with him, and i adore you as a roommate, i want you to do what is right for you."}, {"x": "you wanna throw me out because of something with milk?", "y": "it's super boring."}, {"x": "no. i have a system. i put the empty brick in the fridge to remind us to buy milk.", "y": "why not let the solid brick to remind us not to buy?"}, {"x": "it's not bad.", "y": "actually, i'm not sure."}, {"x": "it's not weird that robin is still friends with barney?", "y": "it's odd that we all still be friends with barney."}, {"x": "i do not know how to react to the fact that she hangs out with an ex.", "y": "trainer with an ex okay, two at a pinch. sh*t, two is even better. because strawberry..."}, {"x": "but if you had someone and he hung out with an ex...", "y": "wait, sorry. \"it? \""}, {"x": "he was friends with his ex.", "y": "wait, wait. you think i'm gay? why you would assume that?"}, {"x": "your teacher of calligraphy called...", "y": "and?"}, {"x": "your ink arrived.", "y": "yes."}, {"x": "ted is not...", "y": "but we still house boudoirs and hot dogs."}, {"x": "ted will not be much there. it follows cher's tour.", "y": "think again, cher made some great concerts. but i'm not gay."}, {"x": "ted? and robin?", "y": "i'm so gay, eh, donnie?"}, {"x": "an apple martini for gentleman.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "i acts as a hysteric. it's not offensive, right?", "y": "still not gay."}, {"x": "sorry, i meant you're both important to robin. how about dinner tomorrow night at home.", "y": "it's great."}, {"x": "i have to get robin.", "y": "are you kidding?"}, {"x": "i do not know what it is, but i want to get robin.", "y": "i know what it is. you're like... a kid who threw his toys and wants them back as soon as another plays with."}, {"x": "i had perhaps not done playing with. i just left to play with something else for a while.", "y": "you ready."}, {"x": "ready for what?", "y": "to read the letter."}, {"x": "hanging out with robin was a huge mistake.", "y": "write it."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "write yourself a letter. that way you will remember the reasons for the break when you miss."}, {"x": "my pleasure. dear barney... the future... this ink is too cool.", "y": "right?"}, {"x": "... a couple were atrocious. it did not work. you always love robin, but remember the other women... and above all, the other breast, and all the cool stuff you do with breasts... y to the head, juggle... squeaker squeaker... i'm a hopeless romantic.and there are drawings of breasts.", "y": "get it?"}, {"x": "it's too easy.", "y": "be nice. you want it just because you can not have it. like saying \"sit wherever you want, except on that chair.\" you will be so..."}, {"x": "don tokyo... you ever do that... in japan? wasabi!", "y": "great! give her milk!"}, {"x": "we have more milk. thank you for the reminder, robin.", "y": "well, i hope you're happy."}, {"x": "i stay on my position. it was bold and romantic.", "y": "you were emptied from the top and bottom."}, {"x": "come on. did you do stupid stuff to impress robin.", "y": "yes, but not anymore, because i turned the page. just like you."}, {"x": "you have not turned the page. you want it as much as me, but you not admit it.", "y": "that's ridiculous and i'll tell you why."}, {"x": "for my biographer?", "y": "concentrate on the letter, ok? at ted, robin is the ideal girl for you, but she will not engage. you need someone who wants to settle. so, until robin is ready for this, it is not for you. i still remember stealing the blue french horn, our first kiss, her eyes when she told me she loved me. and sh*t. i want it back."}, {"x": "... i want to sleep with her, at least one last time. she is mine!", "y": "it's not for you! and it's not mine, either. it is... to don."}, {"x": "okay. we must get rid of him. you know, metaphorically.", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "or... literally. that's how it starts! i'm afraid, teddy!", "y": "we all talk!"}, {"x": "robin stinson!", "y": "robin mosby!"}, {"x": "robin stinson!", "y": "ted scherbatsky. i would take his name. i do not care."}, {"x": "okay, wait. what do you say to that? it is being shared?i take up to 40 years and after you can have it.", "y": "who we laugh? it is with don. we must accept it and move on."}, {"x": "barnexclussif, not quit. i have a double appeal.", "y": "it's teddy bear. want some honey?"}, {"x": "what's the matter?", "y": "there's that you have beautiful hair. front and back."}, {"x": "it's true. i'm going to leave before something regrettable.", "y": "species of bastard! i brought the blue french horn!"}, {"x": "guys, what do you do?", "y": "i want you back!"}, {"x": "all right! here we go! you, me and ted!", "y": "something to three."}, {"x": "robin and i have to go to work. sit down watching tv and will be discussed when we come back, okay?", "y": "you abandoned easily. game, set and match!"}, {"x": "we won the fingers in the nose...", "y": "where's this great tv?"}, {"x": "damn, ted was torn. embarrassing...", "y": "i'm sorry. it is both. we drank and we were stupid, but... we will do everything we can to ensure that don is part of the group."}, {"x": "so what's going on with robin?", "y": "you were right, she was just angry. it's been four days and not talk to relocate. we must never repeat this kind of sh*t."}, {"x": "i agree. in fact... i even wrote another letter. dear barney the future, you think you want to get robin, thou wilt not true. let her. sincerely, barney's past.", "y": "let me see!"}, {"x": "give me that.", "y": "ps... the top was for ted. he believed? fine. pull yourself together with robin, but say nothing to ted because he will still go wrong. and there are still drawings of breasts."}, {"x": "in my defense, the breasts, is not it great?", "y": "too great."}, {"x": "robots vs. wrestlers?", "y": "great!"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "but we think some kind of sport in which robots wrestlers."}, {"x": "it's robots vs. wrestlers, lily. this is obviously a tradition. it starts like this. first, robin moves in with don and marshall and lily have a baby, then ted...", "y": "goes?"}, {"x": "you should put yourself on track.", "y": "i understand how you feel. it is important friendship. in this regard, emerson wrote a great poem, titled friendship. you'll love it. \"a drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea...\""}, {"x": "you're right. i exaggerate with this story of robin. what is an announcement? wife robin don. i'll die alone! ted eventually eaten by her cats!", "y": "relax... it's for marissa heller."}, {"x": "ted! it was our first post! it is popular. it was... a golf magazine for... marissa heller. a catalog of wicker furniture, also marissa heller. and a voucher for a bird shop... addressed to marissa heller... or check it out... \"current resident.\" it's us! it has mail!", "y": "fantastic! that must be the previous tenant. i wonder how it looks."}, {"x": "open it.", "y": "an invitation to the annual spring jefferson van smoot, for saturday night... in his apartment in alberta! friends... this is the most beautiful building in manhattan! we gotta go!"}, {"x": "it depends, on the invitation, it's about robots fighting wrestlers to rule the galaxy?", "y": "it's about an open bar."}, {"x": "i'm flattered but lily should.", "y": "this building is fabulous! you saw the gate and terracotta panels outside?"}, {"x": "damn it then!", "y": "that's marissa heller. she is pretty."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "i'm on it. this lift uses the same mechanism from its installation in 1906. it seems that lamar louis skolnick, the architect of the building, has cut the panels himself."}, {"x": "a fan of skolnick? i love the juxtaposition between the german renaissance outside...", "y": "and some french influence inside! he was an architect with a poet's soul, really."}, {"x": "no, no. it works.", "y": "i must make a confession. it is not on the list, but i always wanted to see the inside of alberta."}, {"x": "i have no television. the only opera i see are at the met.", "y": "prem's."}, {"x": "in a coined word \"assh*le-apocalypse.\"", "y": "this is peter bogdanovich, talking to arianna huffington and will shortz, crossword editors of the new york times! try at least, chow and alcohol free. 20 minutes and off we go."}, {"x": "but, the music changed, and glovanni artusi, simply do not understand the new way of composing.", "y": "sorry, you talk about the fourth book of madrigals?"}, {"x": "dear boy, what else?", "y": "this is my favorite book of madrigals."}, {"x": "really? a colleague of mine was prescribed coumadin. and it is impossible it should be anticoagulated and if she had surgery.", "y": "you know who published an article on great walt whitman, and political semantics? professor hammersmith oxford."}, {"x": "it is the relic of his wife 500 years that has not been hit since ws gilbert at the premiere of the mikado in london in 1885.", "y": "friends, will shortz, editors of the times crossword. you know, i always say they use \"ulee\" of gold life for vowels? tell them."}, {"x": "can i talk for a second?", "y": "ten letters, a diminutive egg pie?"}, {"x": "mini quiche? where?", "y": "there. a great reception."}, {"x": "ted. there you are. we will soon make blind-tests of white wine. it will surely be great.", "y": "i missed that glitch. i know, do not bother to say. there's no glitch in the wine."}, {"x": "sorry!", "y": "look, i'm having fun here, so i'll pass robots vs. wrestlers."}, {"x": "but you never missed robots vs. wrestlers. it happens that way. first robin us loose, and now you? and for those pretentious snobs and old game?", "y": "actually, i like those pretentious snobs and they are not old fashioned fart noise when i open my mouth. i remain. see you tomorrow."}, {"x": "it means everything. if you come not to robots vs. wrestlers, it's the end of our friendship.", "y": "see you tomorrow."}, {"x": "where did your buddies?", "y": "you know, a reading of poetry."}, {"x": "you can not?", "y": "citrus and honeycomb with a sharp acidity. this is a sauvignon blanc, loire valley. the town of sancerre."}, {"x": "ted, you are a remarkable lyric baritone.", "y": "thank you, will shortz."}, {"x": "i can not believe!", "y": "of course, hell is an interesting concept, is not it? i always liked to imagine it as dante's divine comedy. if i may. italian original... i do not believe it. i recite the divine comedy in italian original, and nobody makes fart noises. it's weird. i've never gone that far. i just seem to be an assh*le. my god, i control myself! listen to me, i am completely let go! i'm the biggest assh*le on the planet. i wish someone stops me."}, {"x": "soy el conquistador de las maquinas!", "y": "i gotta run."}, {"x": "look who thinks he can come here and repeat the group. well, you can forget. pity, remake the group! i want to lose anyone yet! we're sorry. you can recite all the poems of assh*le that you want, we never say anything bad on it, i promise.", "y": "really? because there is a poem i would recite... friendship of ralph waldo emerson. \"a drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea the world uncertain comes and goes...\""}, {"x": "stashed a cooler behind the pulpit. beer be with you.", "y": "and also with you. man, this is what church has been missing. dude, you fixed church."}, {"x": "yeah. you're welcome, god. nervous?", "y": "what? no. i'm just hoping it doesn't rain. why? do i look nervous?"}, {"x": "look at your beer, dude. you always do that when you're nervous.", "y": "barney, i really... i have to grade these papers."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. i'll let you work. but first, a riddle what piece of women's attire most stokes a man's desire?", "y": "a sun dress."}, {"x": "correct. what lightweight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?", "y": "i really have to get this done."}, {"x": "of course, of course.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "\"sun dress,\" by the way. hey! what are you nervous about? tell me. tell me. tell me. what flowing cotton frock...", "y": "okay, i'll tell you. just... there's a... there's a girl sitting at the bar. don't look!"}, {"x": "i want to see a pretty girl.", "y": "okay, you can look. just-just-just be cool for once."}, {"x": "i'll be cool. ah, ted. you got your beer label in a bunch over nothing. listen to your uncle barney. you have no reason to be nervous. none whatsoever. and i'm going to tell you why in one word.", "y": "and what's that word?"}, {"x": "dibs!", "y": "what... you can't call dibs on a girl i've been sitting here thinking about maybe talking to eventually at some point."}, {"x": "you never called dibs.", "y": "dibs were implied."}, {"x": "implied dibs?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "ted, you are spitting on the grave of sir walter dibs, inventor of the dib. it was 1652... the ss dibs was lost at sea...", "y": "look, i don't have time for a fake history lesson, so i'll keep this simple. you go over there and talk to that girl, i will see you in court."}, {"x": "and who's gonna represent you? dibs on marshall as my lawyer!", "y": "damn it!"}, {"x": "check.", "y": "you know what? to hell with your dibs. i'm going over there right now and talking to her."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, yeah? be my guest. fall in love with her. get married. just know this when i step up to make my toast as your best man...", "y": "actually, marshall would probably be..."}, {"x": "ladies and gentlemen... i... had dibs.", "y": "no!"}, {"x": "tell me this isn't true.", "y": "i had implied dibs."}, {"x": "we could just do it right here.", "y": "fine. have at it. exercise your dibs. she's got her shields up anyway. she's reading a book."}, {"x": "robin, seriously, i love you, but it's like you have squiggly cartoon odor lines coming off of you right now.", "y": "you know what, barney? just cut her some slack, okay? she just went through a breakup."}, {"x": "with hygiene?", "y": "here, have some tea."}, {"x": "thanks.", "y": "robin, i am here for you. whatever you need."}, {"x": "okay, about that. ted, listen. i know myself pretty well. and, some time over the next few months, i'm going to want to sleep with you. and when that happens, you have to try to say no.", "y": "try? i will absolutely say no. our friendship is too important."}, {"x": "okay, you know, maybe i wasn't clear enough. i will come at you with everything i've got. i will stalk you like the lioness st*lks the gazelle careful, patient, deadly. and if you let your guard down for so much as a second, as sure as you were born, i will hump your brains out.", "y": "it was a tough summer, but i think our girl's been a real trooper. she's... is this a cheeto?"}, {"x": "oh, you're exquisite. you must let me paint you.", "y": "hey robin, what do you think? the girl sitting at the bar. shields up?"}, {"x": "this? what you're doing right now? i'm getting a \"de-rection.\"", "y": "hey! how'd it go? you pregnant yet?"}, {"x": "i have read 11 books on conception. i have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. i take my temperature every hour. but good for you for not playing with yourself.", "y": "i feel you, buddy."}, {"x": "ah, no! don't even touch me, dude. it's been, like... it's been two weeks. i'm, like, a light breeze away from having a big problem. seriously. okay, i'm better now.", "y": "okay, barney. what's this going to cost me?"}, {"x": "excuse me?", "y": "your dibs. i want to buy your dibs."}, {"x": "two... hundred... and fifty thousand dollars.", "y": "20 bucks."}, {"x": "but i... can i go smell her first?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "fine.", "y": "all right. wish me luck."}, {"x": "what the hell are you doing?", "y": "that girl she's talking to? i dated her."}, {"x": "well, i guess you just got to move on. i mean, it's not like you have a sh*t with ready mcgee over there, right? ted?", "y": "i got to see her ankles."}, {"x": "they're talking to a guy now.", "y": "what kind of guy? a cheesy guy or a cool guy?"}, {"x": "oh, a cheesy guy. don't worry.", "y": "oh, man! that guy is cool. his hair's all cool, he's got a cool belt."}, {"x": "ted?", "y": "oh, god, this sucks! do you think she saw me?"}, {"x": "can i see you for a minute... in private?", "y": "yeah. yeah, sure. i mean, how could that not be fun? if i don't come back, tell my mom i love her."}, {"x": "thank you, ted. after things didn't work out with us, i got really sad for a while. but then i realized, you're not what i wanted, ted, and i'm not what you wanted. i'm sorry i was such a jerk. i feel like i should make it up to you somehow. you know, buy you a beer or yankees tickets, or...", "y": "or set me up with one of your friends. no, i'm kidding. that would be weird."}, {"x": "no, it wouldn't.", "y": "it wouldn't, would it? any one of those three. whichever's easiest and right nearby. and not the beer."}, {"x": "i should get back.", "y": "totally."}, {"x": "say good-bye before you leave?", "y": "her words exactly."}, {"x": "dude, you are so in. that is so awesome. a high five doesn't even cut it. high six!", "y": "she didn't see us high-six, did she?"}, {"x": "no. good. that was pretty lame.", "y": "yeah, let's never do that again."}, {"x": "okay. hey, you guys see deadliest catch last night?", "y": "did i ever! deadliest catch ever!"}, {"x": "all right, i'll tell you! my mother is selling the house i grew up in. all of my childhood memories gone, just like that!", "y": "that sucks. i've been there, buddy."}, {"x": "what are you talking about? your mother still lives in the house you grew up in.", "y": "with her new hippie husband, clint. the comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room into what i'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. with all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music, it's like my old g.i. joes are frozen in some weird vietnam flashback."}, {"x": "pass.", "y": "same."}, {"x": "you guys are adorable. you seriously believe that i, barney stinson, can't talk you into this? i got the queen to give me a fist bump.", "y": "no one believes that story."}, {"x": "whoa, ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box.", "y": "yeah, that's what your mom said."}, {"x": "how dare you!", "y": "no, she actually said that."}, {"x": "bro!", "y": "how you doing?"}, {"x": "so, ted, yesterday at work, i totally talked you up to that super-hot makeup girl, liz.", "y": "oh yeah? mm-hmm. what did you say?"}, {"x": "oh, you know, how funny you are...", "y": "guilty."}, {"x": "handsome.", "y": "who, me?"}, {"x": "incredible lover.", "y": "really?"}, {"x": "oh, yeah. oh, yeah. i was all like, \"he knows a woman's body better than she knows her own, endless waves of pleasure just cresting and breaking for hours and hours...\" blah, blah, blah. \"orgasms so intense that you just black out.\" all that stuff.", "y": "robin, how can i possibly live up to that review?"}, {"x": "what? you know what you're doing down there. oh, teddy westside can bring it. we know this.", "y": "but that is not the point. i mean, you broke the first rule of setting people up undersell. it's like, if someone's never seen the karate kid, you don't say, \"it's the greatest movie ever.\" you say, \"uh, it's pretty good\" and then they see it, it blows their freakin' mind. because cobra kai sensei's all like, \"sweep the leg!\" and daniel-san's all like..."}, {"x": "careful! michael jackson sent me this glove for my tenth...", "y": "damn. loretta really lied a lot to her kids."}, {"x": "yeah, but that's a good lie. like when we tell ted he'll meet the right girl and settle down.", "y": "i always find that reassuring."}, {"x": "you will meet her, buddy.", "y": "you think so?"}, {"x": "so, ted? you were worried that i oversold you to liz. well, i fixed it.", "y": "how?"}, {"x": "i sent her another email. \"dear liz. i hope it didn't sound like i was trying to oversell ted. the truth is, he is a genuinely nice, down to earth guy, and i think you two would really hit it off.\"", "y": "thank you. thank you. that's perfect. that totally takes the pressure..."}, {"x": "\"is he going to rock your world in bed? no. but he's clean, open to criticism, and not into anything too weird. he's not bad at all. not bad at all.\"", "y": "see, now you went too far in the other..."}, {"x": "\"i'll be honest. the first few times aren't going to be that great. he's going to say 'are you finished?' more times than a waiter in a busy restaurant.\"", "y": "stop!"}, {"x": "oh, what's done is done.", "y": "\"ted mosby is solid as a rock.\" no. \"dependable.\" no. \"rugged.\" no."}, {"x": "why don't i just go to the chevy web site and copy down adjectives?", "y": "i just want to hit that perfect middle ground."}, {"x": "how about we just go wildly to both extremes and just let them balance each other out? \"ted mosby is really handsome, but extremely violent, and really rich, but lacks bladder control.\" oh, damn.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "that last bump just made me hit send.", "y": "oh, no."}, {"x": "don't worry. i'm sure that everyone will get it's a joke.", "y": "no, they won't. they're going to think... wait. \"everyone\"?"}, {"x": "oh, my head's kind of spinning, too. i mean, loretta and i only saw each other for a couple of months. you were two before i even knew you existed, and at that point, your mother made it very clear she was going to raise you on her own. i felt i had to respect her wishes, but i always wanted to meet you.", "y": "wait. barney and james are two years apart. if sam only knew loretta for a few months, he couldn't possibly be barney's father."}, {"x": "or, he could just let him have this one.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "here, ted. capture the moment!", "y": "i think you'd need salvador dali to capture this particular moment, but i'll give it a whirl."}, {"x": "weird day.", "y": "weird day."}, {"x": "hey, look at that! liz still wants to meet you. that's great!", "y": "i guess. wait a minute. you said liz was a total ten. why would she want to meet the incontinent freak show you described? you oversold her!"}, {"x": "maybe a little.", "y": "you said she was a ten."}, {"x": "i did not specify on what scale.", "y": "you said she looked like a movie star."}, {"x": "ted, look across the bar. three chicks one hot, one kind of hot and one who i'm assuming is really funny. we ride! what's wrong?", "y": "i don't know. got a burger coming."}, {"x": "so, get this last night, i was watching tv, and it turns out, some random satellite channel picks up a certain local chicago newscast.", "y": "oh, man, it's bad enough to have to go through a horrible breakup, but then have that person pop up on your tv? are you okay?"}, {"x": "well, i'll admit, at first, i felt a little weird. but after the initial shock, i realized something i've moved on. finished with that. it was a peaceful moment of closure.", "y": "that's great. good for you."}, {"x": "look, i'm not proud, but don left so quickly that i never got the chance to have that final showdown. so yelling at him, even on tv, felt kind of good. and you know what? now i truly am over him.", "y": "that's great."}, {"x": "golden rule i do not buy dinner to get the yes. dinner's a very intimate activity. it requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't. call me old-fashioned, but i need to have sex with a girl at least three times before i'll even consider having dinner with her.", "y": "what are you doing here? oh, god! you're dating one of my students. it's rachel, isn't it? barney, i know she wears provocative sweaters, but she's 19! now i'm gonna have to hear all about it, right? go on, tell me every detail."}, {"x": "no, you pent-up old perv. i brought you a present. recognize this?", "y": "it's my building."}, {"x": "do you remember how awesome it was to be co-workers... nay, bro-workers?", "y": "wait a minute. y-you don't mean..."}, {"x": "this is awesome... you're designing our new headquarters. now, there will be voices that tell you a hockey rink on the roof is unfeasible. you've got to shut those voices out.", "y": "actually, i think i'm gonna say no."}, {"x": "but designing a building in new york city is your lifelong dream.", "y": "i do not want to work for gnb again. those guys are evil. no offense, marshall."}, {"x": "dude, none taken. yes, gnb is, the empire from star wars. but the death star's gonna get built either way. and don't you think the architect of the death star is pretty psyched to have that thing on his space resume? i mean, yes, his design was flawed in the sense that a single b*llet fired into a particular vent would explode the whole thing.", "y": "for all we know, that was the contractor's fault."}, {"x": "but that won't happen on your watch... you know why? because you're ted mosby! and you are gonna design the most beautiful, ventless, rebel-proof building in manhattan, with clearly marked emergency stops for every trash compactor on the detention level.", "y": "look, i know this is hard to understand, but right now, i have a quiet, simple, happy little life. and i like it that way. i know what my answer has to be."}, {"x": "of course not.", "y": "all right."}, {"x": "i need another drink.", "y": "marshall, you want anything?"}, {"x": "no, i'm fine.", "y": "okay, i get that he's mad at me for turning down the job, but acting like i'm not even here?"}, {"x": "wait, you turned down the job? when?", "y": "this morning."}, {"x": "please. i'll get the yes. barney stinson always gets the yes.", "y": "am i wrong or is that exactly what barney says when he's putting the moves on a girl?"}, {"x": "exactly. i mean, it's almost like he's putting the moves on you.", "y": "yeah, more like the opposite. he's been ignoring me all night. barney wants me to take the job so bad he's putting the moves on me?"}, {"x": "i hope that's his end game. actually, i don't. i like you two together.", "y": "i don't buy it. that's crazy, even for barney."}, {"x": "the backhanded compliment to lower her self-esteem... a proven winner.", "y": "but barney hasn't done..."}, {"x": "no, it's not. okay, you know what? there, gone. your move, scherbatsky.", "y": "i finally know what your kind goes through. i get it now."}, {"x": "which moves are we talking about? did he do the thing where he brags on himself in the form of a complaint?", "y": "he did."}, {"x": "and the intense eye contact thing?", "y": "okay. yep."}, {"x": "and the thing where he establishs intimacy through physical contact?", "y": "you know why jalapeno poppers are so good? it's the cream cheese."}, {"x": "that is so true.", "y": "yeah... cream cheese has a mild flav-flavor so it... it balances out the spiciness of the jal... the spiciness of the... dude!"}, {"x": "so at any point in this did you say, \"barney, i know what you're doing, and it's not going to work. i am not taking that job\"?", "y": "well, i mean, not exactly in those..."}, {"x": "you're loving this.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "you are. you're loving the attention.", "y": "it's nice to be wanted, okay? and, yes, this is a new vest. thank you all for noticing. oh, that's right, you didn't. barney did!"}, {"x": "oh, teddy, you are so going to spread your legs and design that building.", "y": "i am not that kind of architect. so get this..."}, {"x": "okay. your turn.", "y": "barney, i gotta tell you something."}, {"x": "oh, that reminds me. i got you a little airplane. it represents the spirit of adventure. do you like it, ted? do you?", "y": "stop it. stop looking at me like i'm the only person in the world who matters. i'm not designing the gnb tower."}, {"x": "yeah, i know. you turned it down. we hired someone else.", "y": "can you believe it? he's resorting to the oldest move in the book. the classic, \"pretend to take the offer off the table so i'll want it more.\" it's so obvious, right? as if that's going to make me be like, \"oh, god, i never should have said no.\""}, {"x": "it's not a move, dude. i ex*cuted the paperwork for the new architect this morning. barney wasn't lying.", "y": "oh, god, i never should have said no! come on, gnb didn't really hire a new architect. this is just one of barney's moves."}, {"x": "it's not a move, dude. the senior partners were getting impatient. i thought you didn't even want the job.", "y": "i didn't! i don't! i don't. i don't!"}, {"x": "what? ted, it's too late.", "y": "i'll design it for half of what you're paying the other architect. and you know i will do stuff they would never do. lobby stuff."}, {"x": "okay, it's a move.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "there is no other architect. i'm sorry, i'm sorry i lied. i was being barney's wingman, and i never get to be the wingman.", "y": "you guys lied to me?"}, {"x": "i can do better. take me back. you son of a bitch!", "y": "look, i can't do business with people who lie to me."}, {"x": "we only lied to you to make you realize that you want this job.", "y": "no, i don't. i mean, i know i said i did, but that's only because i fell for the same creepy, pickup artist voodoo of yours that countless women..."}, {"x": "236.", "y": "...before me fell for. wow, respect."}, {"x": "come on, ted! this is your dream.", "y": "no, it's not. not anymore. and you know what? letting go of that dream was the best decision i ever made. you guys actually think i have some lingering itch to be an architect? work 20 hours a day and weekends? to get ulcers and pull my hair out and worry and doubt myself and then at the end of it all, have the rug pulled out from under me? i love being a professor, okay? all that stupid crap they tell you about how fulfilling teaching is? it's all true. i'm happy, and i'm not letting go of that. my answer's no."}, {"x": "i am never going to have closure. okay? closure doesn't exist. okay, one day, don and i are moving in together, and the next thing i know, he's on a plane to chicago. it just... ended. and no matter how much i try to forget that it happened, it will have never not happened. don and i will always be a loose end. we'll always be...", "y": "hey, barney. hey, rachel. rachel, why aren't you in class?"}, {"x": "yeah, ted. why aren't you in class? you son of a bitch. i'll call marshall. we'll draw up the contract.", "y": "not so fast. i'm not that easy."}, {"x": "i cannot stop staring at that girl's face.", "y": "face. huh. that's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet."}, {"x": "i am, too, a real new yorker.", "y": "that's adorable. you're from canada."}, {"x": "a boat! oh, wait, that is how you say it.", "y": "i'd say you're not a real new yorker until you've stolen a cab from someone who needs it more than you do."}, {"x": "a real new yorker would know the subway's faster. you just take the one, and transfer to the two-three.", "y": "well, the bus runs more often on weekends. take the m-7 to the m-5."}, {"x": "the bus? every time i take the bus, there is one crazy person no one wants to sit near. that's why i have never taken the bus. plus... i can run faster than a bus.", "y": "dude, that's, like, seven miles. you can't do that. you can't b*at the bus!"}, {"x": "oh, wow!", "y": "all right, all right, hold on, hold on! let's just forget about it. who cares? i mean, there's no way to find out who's right anyway. first person there wins!doesn't matter how you get there!"}, {"x": "i grew up here, i speak conductor. damn it! damn it!", "y": "grademyteacher.net?"}, {"x": "it's this awesome site where students can go say what they really think about their professors. hey, you're probably on there.", "y": "here's a fun fact. see the alberta building over there?"}, {"x": "oh. the brown one or the gray one?", "y": "that's the gray one. did you know that in 18..."}, {"x": "last seat. thank god. i just had the worst cab ride of my life.", "y": "well, you're in luck. see that gothic church over there? those corinthian columns were designed by giuseppe pegatto in 1896."}, {"x": "* hyah! move along. hyah! move along. hyah! *", "y": "see that over there? that's the old arcadian hotel. fun fact... while today its neoclassical fenestration is considered to be..."}, {"x": "* our hero's strength was fading fast just as the light turned... green. he then thought back to all the times he'd lost to a machine. the cable box is fearsome but the stapler's mighty sting... the cable box's bite again... getting too tired to sing. *", "y": "uses a hybrid steel tube structure..."}, {"x": "i can't believe it.", "y": "okay, this is clearly a sign. let's just call it a tie. forget about the race. head back to the bar."}, {"x": "sorry, sweetie. i swear i'll be a great friend at the finish line, but the conductor just said you're going express to borough hall, which means you're screwed, sweetie. so long, sucker. damn it. hey, it's lily. help me.", "y": "and not a single passenger would listen to me. i mean, am i a bad teacher? do i just put people to sleep?"}, {"x": "i can't do it. i can't run that far. i can't outrace anything. i... i can't... i can't get my wife pregnant!", "y": "wait. is that what this whole stupid running thing has been about?"}, {"x": "my body has been letting me down, and i just wanted to prove that it could still do something, but it can't.", "y": "dude, you've been trying for two months, not two years. that's nothing."}, {"x": "well, you should talk. you know, you're the one who's freaking out because you have one mediocre review and, like, 50 great ones.", "y": "64. but whatever."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "there it is."}, {"x": "hi, handsome. lookin' for a date?", "y": "uh, no, thank you. still got it."}, {"x": "but there's an urgent memo for mr. mosby.", "y": "\"dary.\""}, {"x": "legendary! so, what's on your mind?", "y": "i can't design the building."}, {"x": "you're kidding me.", "y": "i'm sorry. i can't do this if it means tearing down the arcadian. it's an architectural landmark. plus, people live there. how does gnb plan to get hundreds of residents to just up and leave?"}, {"x": "snakes.", "y": "did you just say \"snakes\"?"}, {"x": "i don't recall saying \"snakes\". ted, i know you love crappy old stuff no one cares about. but i'm gonna give you four words to live by new is always better.", "y": "new is always better?"}, {"x": "you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl i've ever slept with? her okay-looking friend i haven't seen naked. why? because new is always better.", "y": "mm-hmm? and this theory applies to everything?"}, {"x": "everything.", "y": "so, those new star wars movies... those are better than the old ones?"}, {"x": "yeah. the first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law.", "y": "and when you're at a g*ns n' roses concert, you're like, \"yeah, yeah, paradise city, whatever. when are they gonna rock me some chinese democracy\"?"}, {"x": "axl's really matured as a songwriter, ted.", "y": "wendy! i'd like to buy my friend a drink. what's your oldest scotch?"}, {"x": "glenmckenna, aged 30 years in oak casks.", "y": "amazing. and what's your newest scotch?"}, {"x": "jumbo jim's grape scotch. don't let it touch your skin.", "y": "your call, buddy."}, {"x": "lily told you.", "y": "told him what?"}, {"x": "speaking of disappointing weenies... ted, tell them what you told me.", "y": "i want to ask the board at gnb to move the site for the new headquarters so we don't have to tear down a classic old building."}, {"x": "duh. of course there's a girl.", "y": "what? i... there's no g-girl. why would you even... her name is zoey."}, {"x": "beautiful building, right?", "y": "look, mister, you are very convincing, and i am very flattered. confused, even. but i'm not looking..."}, {"x": "i'm not a drag queen. but you definitely have me rethinking this eye shadow.", "y": "she's an architecture nerd! a hot architecture nerd! that's the dream!"}, {"x": "whose dream?", "y": "we wound up talking for hours."}, {"x": "i love how old parts of the city are. hmm. it makes me feel connected to history.", "y": "old is always better. i can't wait to be old."}, {"x": "me, too. you can wear elastic everything. your lipstick doesn't have to stay inside the lines.", "y": "you can shoplift and pretend you're just confused."}, {"x": "you could nap anywhere. uh-huh. even while driving. it's gonna be great. i can't wait to be all run-down and weathered and wrinkly.", "y": "well, i'd say you got a pretty long wait."}, {"x": "hey, ted, can i ask you something", "y": "anything."}, {"x": "hmm. grape scotch. not bad. ted, you only think the arcadian needs to be saved because some pretty girl thinks that. and seriously... boobs?", "y": "this isn't about the girl. it's about the building."}, {"x": "whoa! sweet wrestling name alert.", "y": "well... uh, it's a... it's a funny thing about that..."}, {"x": "so what do you do, ted?", "y": "i'm a veterinarian."}, {"x": "this whole arcadian thing is classic mosby. changing your personality to fit some girl.", "y": "i don't do that."}, {"x": "asian girls love them some jews.", "y": "and marshall never would've listened to the indigo girls if it weren't for lily."}, {"x": "and you're welcome.", "y": "the point is, you weren't pretending to like the indigo girls for the other person. you realized you liked them because of the other person. just like me, zoey and the arcadian. did gnb really put snakes in the arcadian?"}, {"x": "no. technically, they were eggs.", "y": "did you just say \"eggs\"?"}, {"x": "let's order!", "y": "zoey... i'm batman. hmm. that'd be cool."}, {"x": "i need your help. just to warn you. what i'm about to show you is not a hundred percent legal.", "y": "wasn't expecting bunnies."}, {"x": "i stole them, ted. my animal rights group liberated these guys from an evil cosmetics company. and i figured, \"hey, ted's a vet. he can check them out and make sure they're okay.\"", "y": "absolutely. just let me run up and get my bag of vet supplies. okay. why would i say that?"}, {"x": "yeah. that argument has no traction whatsoever.", "y": "you just broke in and stole these guys? aren't you worried about getting arrested?"}, {"x": "nah. i've been arrested lots of times. chinese democracy.", "y": "wow. you're a little bit crazy."}, {"x": "well, i'm usually crazy for a good cause. i can't just sit by while voiceless people or animals, r even buildings et screwed over. 'm certainly not going o just sit by hile gnb turns the arcadian nto a soulless metal box.", "y": "yeah. yeah. although i hear there's a lovely rooftop patio where folks can enjoy a nice bag lunch, so..."}, {"x": "ted, this woman is an anarchist, a sociopath, a lunatic, and for the love of god, boobs?!", "y": "solid c-cup, perky bounce."}, {"x": "momentary grudging respect.", "y": "zoey does what she believes is right, and i want to do the same thing. we have to find a new site for this building."}, {"x": "ted, that is never gonna happen.", "y": "well, i can't tear down the arcadian. i'm sorry, but i'm off the project."}, {"x": "oh, bummer!", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey, ted. i'm so glad you came.", "y": "well, you really got to me the other night. i want to get involved with \"save the arcadian.\""}, {"x": "dude, why are you dressed like a wizard?", "y": "she was really hot, okay?"}, {"x": "simple. i rented the chair. the bunny was here already. that was lucky. i waited to do the dramatic swivel until i heard your key enter the door.", "y": "the billboard, barney."}, {"x": "i had to. now that you have no sh*t with the girl, you'll realize you never cared about the building, and everything can go back to normal.", "y": "you're wrong. i do care. and i'm still quitting."}, {"x": "don't you get it, ted? we're tearing down the arcadian either way. it's a stupid old piece-of-crap, run-down, snake-infested dump!", "y": "okay, are there or aren't there snakes?!"}, {"x": "who mentioned snakes?! and stop shouting! you're scaring cottontail.", "y": "you named the rabbit?"}, {"x": "you took longer to get here than i thought, we bonded, i'm keeping her. the point is, you now have a chance to design your own building. dude, you can do whatever you want with it.", "y": "you're right. you're right. i can design it however i want."}, {"x": "so you're back in?", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "well, hope you don't mind, we made some changes to the billboard.", "y": "well, that explains a few voicemails. listen, zoey, i think we can save the arcadian. no. maybe not in the way you were picturing, but i stayed up all night working on a new concept, all right? what if my design could incorporate the arcadian's facade into the new gnb headquarters?"}, {"x": "yeah. so you were saying, the facade will be completely preserved?", "y": "yeah, it was about the girl."}, {"x": "ted, wh-wh-what are you doing?", "y": "this wouldn't work. zoey, the arcadian was a really great building once, but it's falling apart, and it's full of snakes."}, {"x": "snakes?", "y": "i don't recall saying snakes."}, {"x": "okay! i made a list of awesome baby names. starting at the top number one...", "y": "i'm gonna stop you right here, marshall. you name a chubby white kid \"lebron,\" and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop."}, {"x": "um, how about \"ryan\"?", "y": "ooh."}, {"x": "our dvr won't recognize it as a television program.", "y": "i watched. robin insisted i confirm how \"awful\" becky is, so last night i checked it out."}, {"x": "okay, no holds barred-- what'd you think of becky?", "y": "mmm... i thought she was charming."}, {"x": "no, she is not my daughter. i'm just her daddy.", "y": "wow. that is disgusting."}, {"x": "not \"esther.\" i need a drink. ted? ted?", "y": "marshall, your list is entirely boy names. you do realize there's roughly a 50% chance of you having a daughter, right?"}, {"x": "i don't want a girl. i just want a little boy.", "y": "it's not what it sounds like, folks."}, {"x": "in other news, later today, a manhattan architect gets punched in the throat.", "y": "ow!"}, {"x": "ted, of all the women in new york, you had to go out with an eight-year-old girl?", "y": "not what it sounds like, folks."}, {"x": "ted, you know that i hate her. how could you go out on a date with this girl?", "y": "it wasn't a date. she came over to the apartment looking for you."}, {"x": "i made robin my famous chocolate chip cookies. but instead of chocolate chips, i used gummie bears.", "y": "aww..."}, {"x": "let me guess she acted like a helpless little girl, and you stepped in as the big, strong man.", "y": "i don't know if that's totally true."}, {"x": "poor spider.", "y": "hey, hey, hey, hey. spiders gotta die so trees can grow."}, {"x": "wait. is that why you slept on the couch last night?", "y": "yeah, i slept."}, {"x": "yeah, we don't care about this...", "y": "no one challenged you, so it wasn't really a challenge."}, {"x": "challenge accept...", "y": "wow, i'm glad that's over. it was creepy watching barney talk like a little kid."}, {"x": "oh, but you find it irresistible when becky does? i don't get it. the ted that i went out with was attracted to the kind of woman who could use a steak kn*fe without supervision.", "y": "for your information, becky doesn't like steak, she likes pasghetti. spaghetti. and more importantly, she makes me feel needed."}, {"x": "needed? she makes training wheels feel needed.", "y": "hey, it's nice to feel needed. and you know what? it's not a feeling guys get when they're with you."}, {"x": "when we were dating, i... i didn't make you feel needed?", "y": "come on! you always took charge of everything."}, {"x": "i got this.", "y": "thanks."}, {"x": "i got this. whoa!", "y": "someone's trying to break in-- call the cops."}, {"x": "did that really bother you?", "y": "well, yeah. it's nice to be needed. look, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to upset you. it's becky. aw, she's trapped in a revolving door."}, {"x": "i got this.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "hey, professor brosby, you gonna come get beers with us later?", "y": "nah, i got a thing. but you kids have fun trick or treating. this is a treat."}, {"x": "did it hurt?", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "getting that kid's nose surgically removed from your ass.", "y": "it's not her nose that's in my ass, lily, it's her heart. my class loves me; i-i'm really making an impression on those guys. i'd like to make impression on those guys."}, {"x": "hey, it just occurred to me, is your friend, what's her name? garbin, flabin...", "y": "robin?"}, {"x": "looks like that bee got busy.", "y": "looks like that french maid didn't turn down somebody's bed."}, {"x": "oh, looks like pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.", "y": "come on, marshall."}, {"x": "no, it's because of the...", "y": "we get it."}, {"x": "does it get any better than this?", "y": "uh, yes. yes, it does."}, {"x": "i don't want to talk about it.", "y": "please tell me you're not hooking up with one of your co-anchors again."}, {"x": "hi, becky. boats, boats, boats! robin, a little help here?", "y": "robin, you gotta not worry so much about being liked."}, {"x": "ted mosby, we don't like you! what do you have to say for yourself, tearing down a beautiful, old building just to put up a stupid band headquarters?", "y": "hmm... boo... freakin'... hoo."}, {"x": "boo freakin' hoo? that's it? the arcadian is an architecturally significant...", "y": "architecturally significant?! zoey, you're very pretty. your hair smells great."}, {"x": "shampoo. you should try it sometime.", "y": "you don't know the first thing about architecture."}, {"x": "key - ted mosby's car. go on.", "y": "i'm a professor, okay? i teach this stuff at one of the best colleges in the country. i don't go down to your place of non-employment and lecture you about how your little protest is a misguided waste of time, except whoops, i just did. ha-burn."}, {"x": "oh, good, the eggs are here.", "y": "well, i should head up."}, {"x": "bill pepper? mm-hmm. kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. any chance you and bill had a three-way with fork napkin? it's someone we know!", "y": "so, i'm assuming you all read the chapters on the greek revival architecture. any questions?"}, {"x": "yes. how do you sleep at night?", "y": "what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "it was recently made clear to me that i don't know the first thing about architecture, so here i am.", "y": "very well, then, let's get started. some examples of greek revival architecture..."}, {"x": "ooh! ooh! is the arcadian greek revival?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "what?! no, professor mosby loves old buildings. he wouldn't do that. right, ted?", "y": "getting back to greek revival..."}, {"x": "he and that little stuffed horsey raised all kinds of hell. but i have a simple method for shutting down troublemakers. you know that '98 taurus that's always parked outside? the one with the really annoying alarm?", "y": "we're familiar with it."}, {"x": "shuts them right up.", "y": "lily, my students are adults, and i treat them that way. i'll just give them more candy and make them a mix cd. problem solved."}, {"x": "i changed the ice pack on his crotch every hour for three days. wow, eriksen, if you want to un-fire randy, i support you, because to come in here and say what you just said, well, you've got a couple things that tugboat doesn't.", "y": "guys, prof rock is a really good mix, okay?"}, {"x": "a piece of new york history is being torn down, and all you could say was \"boo freakin' hoo\"?", "y": "boo... freakin'..."}, {"x": "i may have mentioned our conversation over a session of hacky sack.", "y": "the one day i miss the sack circle, you guys sub her in?"}, {"x": "why'd you miss? too busy tearing down the statue of liberty?", "y": "no. i was returning a hot dog costume that you all enjoyed."}, {"x": "and did it work?", "y": "like gangbusters. we're buddies again. after class, we hacked a little sack to the thumpin' strains of my prof rock cd. and no, none of them had heard the pixies b-side. actually, none of them had heard of the pixies. or a b-side."}, {"x": "robin? like how i think about her when i'm in the shower?", "y": "i'm trying to eat here, buddy."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "it didn't work. they hate me. how do i get them to like me again?"}, {"x": "you don't. ted, you're their teacher. the only people that like their teachers...", "y": "i like my teachers."}, {"x": "...are dorks. except for you, miles. ted, you just have to learn to embrace their hatred. because behind that hatred lies fear. and you can use use that fear, like i did with johnny marley.", "y": "was there more to that story?"}, {"x": "a little bit.", "y": "lily, you're a psychopath."}, {"x": "well, professor mosby, is there anything you want to say to us?", "y": "anyone not in class tomorrow gets an \"f.\""}, {"x": "you said that?", "y": "well, technically, they'd get an incomplete, but i thought \"f\" had a nice, scary ring to it. right?"}, {"x": "fine. i didn't sleep with anyone. the thing is, ever since becky did that commercial, everyone at work loves her. so, the day after halloween, i was in a commercial.", "y": "what... why didn't you tell us?"}, {"x": "say... \"ah...\"", "y": "wow! i can't wait to see it."}, {"x": "look at us, huh? in tuxedos? can you imagine if our college selves saw us like this?", "y": "they'd pelt us with their phish bootlegs."}, {"x": "oh, i'm sorry, i can't hear you with that corporate noose around your neck. and don't even try showing up to the drum circle this weekend.", "y": "oh, hey. you guys seen russell? i'm supposed to drive him to his mom's funeral."}, {"x": "well, yeah, but you wear it ironically, like ted's fanny pack.", "y": "next time we go to great adventure, you're carrying your own sunblock."}, {"x": "but i thought that you...", "y": "guys, guys, guys? architecture fun fact if you stand right here, and you whisper, a person all the way across the other end of the room hears it like you're standing right next to them. it's one of the most sophisticated pieces of acoustical design in the world. watch. diarrhea. right? right?"}, {"x": "poo-poo. poo-poo platter.", "y": "zoey? well, well, well."}, {"x": "you have got to be kidding me.", "y": "so, what are we protesting tonight? rising cost of jet fuel? the government's oppressive top hat and monocle tax?"}, {"x": "ted, this is my husband.", "y": "yeah, old stuff's great."}, {"x": "yeah, i do.", "y": "so, captain. how'd you get that name, anyway?"}, {"x": "gave it to myself. a real man chooses his own name.", "y": "well, pleased to meet you, captain. i'm galactic president superstar mcawesomeville."}, {"x": "capital. honey, i may cut out early. i have to go check up on the boat.", "y": "the boat? there's a boat? you must tell me about this boat, captain."}, {"x": "well, she's an 85-foot sloop.", "y": "she!"}, {"x": "do you like boats? does the sea call to you like it calls to me?", "y": "yes. the sea is all like, \"ted, come hang out.\""}, {"x": "i like galactic president superstar mcawesomeville. you're coming on the boat sometime. stepping off.", "y": "man, i wish me and my dad were as close as you guys are."}, {"x": "oh. you want to make this personal? okay. destroy ted mosby. now it's personal.", "y": "no, if i wanted to make it personal, i'd call you a bored little trophy wife who likes to play activist when the shops on 5th avenue are closed."}, {"x": "you're going down.", "y": "down where? to the yacht club? oh! i would love to. w-w-wait. i'm half jewish, will that be a problem?"}, {"x": "that was a great dream. but we have a mortgage, and we're trying to have kids. we're grown-ups now, lily.", "y": "wieners and gonads."}, {"x": "honestly? probably something pretentious, and pseudo-intellectual, like...", "y": "boogers."}, {"x": "honestly? since my first day at gnb.", "y": "hershey squirts."}, {"x": "hey. how do you like my date's tux? ooh! uh, a-thank you! oh, none for him. he's stuffed.", "y": "oh! zoey! there you are. oh, my god. you have a monocle. is this real? is this really happening?"}, {"x": "can you excuse us for a moment? let's go for a walk.", "y": "good luck k*lling james bond. are we allowed in here?"}, {"x": "what do you want from me?", "y": "i want my crossword day back. okay? go live your perfect little life, and leave me the hell alone."}, {"x": "my life isn't perfect.", "y": "oh, please, what's your biggest problem? having to sail back to the marina because the captain's all out of white zin? oh. great. now you're crying. like that's going to get my sympathy."}, {"x": "i got married when i was 22 to a man who calls himself the captain.", "y": "he seems like a good guy. he wears those red pants."}, {"x": "i hate boats, ted. i do, i hate 'em. i can't be on them. i can't be near them. i can't even think about them without getting seasick. you want to know why i want to save that building? because when i look up at the arcadian, i see something big and solid, and right now everything else in my life just feels like i'm on a boat. i know it's crazy to care that much about a building.", "y": "it's not crazy at all. i'm the same way. look, zoey, the arcadian should be a landmark, it should. the lion head stonework is iconic. i hate that we have to tear it down. i hate working for gnb. they're a bunch of wieners and gonads."}, {"x": "ted, that was... really easy.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "this should be useful.", "y": "you tricked me."}, {"x": "so i hear my wife got you pretty good.", "y": "she caught me on tape trashing gnb."}, {"x": "oh, that damn recorder. try being married to that. \"but you said you'd get the corgis neutered this weekend.\" \"i said no such thing.\" \"oh, yeah?\" click. you're a good guy, galactic president superstar mcawesomeville. tell you what, when zoey goes to sleep, i'll find that tape and erase it for you. no hard feelings.", "y": "really? you'd do that to your own wife?"}, {"x": "sure. why not? i mean, i'm glad she has these little causes, they keep her out of troubles, but when she throws a temper tantrum and it gets in the way of someone doing their job, that's a problem.", "y": "no, you know what? don't erase the tape. and for what it's worth, i don't think she's throwing temper tantrums. i just think she's, you know, standing up for what she believes in. i respect that."}, {"x": "why are you wearing that?", "y": "why does barney do anything ever?"}, {"x": "no, no. dude, dude. sweet! it's a kids' show.", "y": "i don't know. this does have all the earmarks of p*rn. stripper pole, bad lighting, delusional girl who thinks it's a stepping stone to mainstream success."}, {"x": "no. you can't do that on television!", "y": "robin, this show is so dirty, i don't know whether to hug you or run a shower for you so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees."}, {"x": "oh, come on, lily. nobody stays friends with their high school friends.", "y": "i'm still friends with punchy."}, {"x": "dude, he lives in cleveland. you see him once a year, at which point, he punches you really hard in the arm and tells everyone how you dookied your pants. i know, on paper he sounds great, but you guys aren't really friends.", "y": "look, i may not see him a lot, but it doesn't matter. observe."}, {"x": "schmosby!", "y": "punchy!"}, {"x": "hey, good talking to you, ted.", "y": "yeah, you, too. if you're ever in new york."}, {"x": "definitely.", "y": "we are just two peas."}, {"x": "whoa. what do you think came between robin and jessica?", "y": "much like our friends, the space teens, i think i can solve this crime with math. okay... okay, here is a christmas card that jessica sent robin. lily, how old would you say that kid is?"}, {"x": "four years, three months.", "y": "which means jessica got pregnant five years ago. right around the time she and robin stopped being friends."}, {"x": "the last thing she would want to do is hang out with some little brat.", "y": "thus, if i may... when glitter's womb a fruit did bear, robin said, \"to hell with this, i'm outta hare. glitter got pregnant, so robin dumped her."}, {"x": "oh, sweetheart.", "y": "when a second uterus plumped becomes..."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "we've been waiting all day!"}, {"x": "okay, it's not p*rn, it's a kids' show.", "y": "two dudes watching a kids' show might be worse."}, {"x": "our characters had pet beavers.", "y": "sure."}, {"x": "'sup shmosby!", "y": "punchy, what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "well, yesterday you said if i was ever in new york. 'sup, turds?", "y": "okay, uh, uh, where are you staying?"}, {"x": "hey, schmosby, remember when you dookied on our couch in the form of your idiot high school friend? unbelievable!", "y": "come on. i worry about the guy. he's had the same dead-end job at a car rental place for 15 years."}, {"x": "don't care.", "y": "he's been stuck in cleveland his whole life."}, {"x": "get a hotel.", "y": "robin... lebron."}, {"x": "lily, come on. we don't even know that's what happened.", "y": "um, hello, somebody already solved that crime using math, remember?"}, {"x": "times square's the b*mb! i got so many great pictures of all the billboards.", "y": "yeah. you know, there's more to new york than times square. there's the village, the lower east side, central park..."}, {"x": "they got better billboards then the ones in times square?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "times square's the b*mb!", "y": "here. you know what? hold this, okay?"}, {"x": "seriously, dude, he has got to go. you need to be like, \"you are the weakest link. goodbye.\" punchy, the tribe has spoken. please pack up your knives and go. your work of art didn't work for us. your time's up. i have to ask you to leave the mansion. you must leave the chateau. your tour ends here. you've been chopped.", "y": "okay, yeah. i know."}, {"x": "ted, come look at this. i found a little wounded bird in the alley.", "y": "that's your scrotum."}, {"x": "you know what it is, ted. you know what it is. come on, ted. you always fall for that.", "y": "yeah, he's gotta go."}, {"x": "hey, do you guys get big chuck and little john out here?", "y": "punchy, it's time to go back."}, {"x": "back to times square?!", "y": "uh, no. back-back to cleveland."}, {"x": "i don't know if i can do that, bro. i mean, yeah, i've been jonesing for a piece of cleveland-style pizza, but i feel bad about leaving you out here. i worry about you, ted.", "y": "you worry about me?"}, {"x": "schmosby!", "y": "punchy!"}, {"x": "hey, good talking to you, ted.", "y": "yeah. you, too. if you're ever in new york..."}, {"x": "worked on me.", "y": "wow. she sounds pretty great, punchy."}, {"x": "she's my angel. in fact, uh... we're getting married.", "y": "wow! wow! that's... i'm-i'm really happy for you."}, {"x": "thanks, ted. thanks. actually, that's the other reason why i came out here. i wanted to see if you'd be my best man.", "y": "of course i will."}, {"x": "yeah, i was there for the \"insertion.\" he used shoehorns. i'll be having sides.", "y": "your loss. all right, it's dead in here. i'm gonna call it a little early."}, {"x": "well... i'm calling it a little early.", "y": "wh... you sure? we got big plans."}, {"x": "yeah. remember how last week we fired up a sandwich, and we listened to pink floyd's dark side of the moon while watching the wizard of oz?", "y": "well, tonight, we're doing the same thing, only with \"weird al\" yankovic's greatest hits and apocalypse now."}, {"x": "oh! i'm sorry. i thought this was my room.", "y": "completely naked!"}, {"x": "aw, man!", "y": "at the exact moment brando first appeared, \"weird al\" launched right into \"eat it.\""}, {"x": "tap's broke! can't turn 'em off! free beer for everyone!", "y": "free beer for everyone!"}, {"x": "you know what? ted, go ahead-- leave early to do something lame. just don't blame us if you become... the blitz.", "y": "all right, first of all... there's nothing lame about brining a turturkeykey, copyright pending. and secondly, i don't believe \"the curse of the blitz\" is real."}, {"x": "hey! morning, blitz!", "y": "aw, man! no, no! let's get one thing straight, okay? i am not the blitz."}, {"x": "my blitzy lies over the ocean; my blitzy lies over the sea; my blitzy lies over the ocean; so bring back my blitzy...", "y": "please stop. okay, fine."}, {"x": "the gentleman!", "y": "wait! wait! wait! what's that? what's \"the gentleman\"?"}, {"x": "oh, you had to be there, blitz. yes.", "y": "i'm not the blitz! zoey?"}, {"x": "the gentle...", "y": "how could you, my best friends in the world, hang out with my mortal enemy, then let her sleep in the tub where i clean myself?!"}, {"x": "sorry, ted. we can explain. after you blitzed out last night...", "y": "i'm not the blitz!"}, {"x": "huh? huh? who's got your back? now let's have dinner!", "y": "finish the story, red."}, {"x": "oh! thanks!", "y": "i missed a skateboarding dog?"}, {"x": "yeah, but that wasn't the crazy part.", "y": "it wasn't?"}, {"x": "and... send!", "y": "wait. blitz was there, too?"}, {"x": "it was legen-- wait for ted to leave, 'cause he's now the blitz-- -- dary. legendary!", "y": "i'm not the blitz!"}, {"x": "my name's not blitz. my name is steve! colors seem so bright now. thank you, blitz.", "y": "what? no! n- n-n-n-no! n-n-no! i'm not the blitz! the only thing i missed last night was my best friends stabbing me in the back by hanging out with my worst enemy. guys! i hate zoey! that means you're supposed to hate her, too! th-that's your rule, lily!"}, {"x": "i tried.", "y": "tried?! lily, do you have any idea how many people i've blindly hated for you? i hated ren\u00e9e zellweger with a burning passion for eight years, only to discover you meant reese witherspoon!"}, {"x": "hey, i will hate her until i get my money back for you, me and dupree!", "y": "that's kate hudson!"}, {"x": "oh, yeah. that's who i hate. guys, we hate kate hudson.", "y": "no, we hate zoey! i'm so furious at you all right now, but it's thanksgiving, and i have a turturkeykey to make. and not that i'm the blitz, but could everyone please come with me into the kitchen? okay, i'm, uh, just gonna preheat the oven."}, {"x": "did they tell you about the skateboarding dog? it was awesome!", "y": "great. so not only did you guys betray me, but you broke my oven on thanksgiving?"}, {"x": "but if it helps, i reached 4g.", "y": "it doesn't help. 4g? no. what-what are we supposed to do now?"}, {"x": "this is awesome!", "y": "it's not awesome!"}, {"x": "it's thanksgiving. what the hell?", "y": "no. absolutely not."}, {"x": "but he's the blitz.", "y": "no. i'm not the blitz. i'm the bueller. you know what this means. you're the blitz."}, {"x": "life moves pretty fast, barney. if you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it.", "y": "chicka-chicka!"}, {"x": "happy thanksgiving! ted.", "y": "zoey."}, {"x": "best friend alert!", "y": "okay, the turturkeykey is officially cooking."}, {"x": "oh, god, that is disgusting!", "y": "okay, guys, that's starting to hurt."}, {"x": "yeah, it's not like ted's integrity.", "y": "oh, what was that? i was distracted by the four-caret diamond your 53-year-old husband bought you."}, {"x": "facial!", "y": "now, if you'll excuse me, i have a turturkeykey to baste."}, {"x": "i'm coming with you.", "y": "no... i baste alone."}, {"x": "but relax. i've got a ton of sides to heat up since my plans fell through.", "y": "who canceled? your coven?"}, {"x": "oh! serve returned.", "y": "are you happy? you're ruining thanksgiving."}, {"x": "god, i'm so happy to be here. my face hurts from smiling.", "y": "oh... i'm sorry, lily. i'm just never going to like that woman."}, {"x": "ted, give her a chance.", "y": "enemies can't become friends."}, {"x": "yes, they can. right, guys?", "y": "no, no, no. you guys can't be objective. you still feel guilty about last night."}, {"x": "well, let's get an outside opinion.", "y": "who are we gonna..."}, {"x": "\"dear wang guy...can enemies ever be friends? just wondering.\"", "y": "really? wang guy? we're asking wang guy?"}, {"x": "nothing! i just forgot to brag about it before!", "y": "guys, despite the wit and wisdom of wang guy, zoey and i are never going to be friends. we're just here for her oven and that's it."}, {"x": "did you do that on purpose?", "y": "what? no. it was an accident."}, {"x": "oh, yeah. well, like this is.", "y": "oh, great. real mature."}, {"x": "just stop it! god, can't you two just stop fighting for one day? like, when the roadrunner and the coyote clocked out and had a beer together? or-or-or tom and jerry shared a cup of coffee.", "y": "lily, those are cartoon characters, and i'm pretty sure you're making up episodes. and if zoey is a cartoon character, she's cinderella's evil stepmother!"}, {"x": "where to?", "y": "i guess we're going home."}, {"x": "yeah. i don't know where that is.", "y": "lily, where'd you get that?"}, {"x": "hey, you guys should come to my house for thanksgiving. my husband always spends it with his daughter, so i'm going to be alone, anyway. well, you're not exactly who i thought i'd be spending thanksgiving with, either.", "y": "and if zoey is a cartoon character, she's cinderella's evil stepmother!"}, {"x": "get out! all of you, out!", "y": "we have to go back to zoey's."}, {"x": "everything he said was nice, but i am profoundly scared.", "y": "keep smiling. he can still see us."}, {"x": "captain, quick question how do you feel about the jonas brothers? ooh.", "y": "ooh. what-what is that?"}, {"x": "he hates that he loves them.", "y": "great. okay. hey, guys, zoey just told me about this great frank lloyd wright retrospective tonight. who's in?"}, {"x": "and i'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited meto the big hair washing party.", "y": "all right, fine. guess it'll just be me and zoey."}, {"x": "rule number two no sharing food. in fact, anything involving saliva is off-limits. toothbrushes, thermometers, lipstick.", "y": "well, if i can't share her lipstick,there's really no pointin even going."}, {"x": "no lying to the spouse about anything you do.", "y": "why would anyone lie? look, zoey and i are just friends. if there was anything more than that, i wouldn't hang out with her."}, {"x": "you're a big... stupid octopus head!", "y": "friends. plural. like-like there was more than one of me."}, {"x": "ew! ew! she lied to her husband? uh-oh. so, what did you do?", "y": "uh, zoey, um, did you just say you were out with friends?"}, {"x": "yeah. the captain's on his way home from milan. he can get a little jealous sometimes, so i didn't want to make him worry. is that okay?", "y": "it's totally okay."}, {"x": "what's wrong with this shirt?", "y": "lily, ruling. do i have to stop hanging out with zoey?"}, {"x": "no, you just need to spend time with her and the captain together. if you're friends with the both of them, then there's not a problem.", "y": "actually, i do have a standing invitation from the captain to go for a ride with them on his boat."}, {"x": "wait. i still can't resist getting one last sh*t in.", "y": "hi, captain. the captain. captain."}, {"x": "ahoy, ted! excellent to see you.", "y": "ah, you, too. uh, where's zoey?"}, {"x": "well, i'm afraid she's feeling a little under the weather. looks like it's just you, me and six hours in frigid international waters.", "y": "or we could stay on dry land, hang out with some... witnesses."}, {"x": "vast, the sea. deep. endless. going around for miles. you could scream and scream, and not a soul would hear you. listen to this. help! somebody help me! i'm trapped on a boat with a madman! help! see? nothing.", "y": "he's gonna k*ll me. okay, calm down, teddy. he's not jealous. he hasn't even mentioned zoey."}, {"x": "ted, let me show you my harpoon collection.", "y": "just gonna make a quick call. hey, silly question. what are our exact nautical coordinates?"}, {"x": "how now? oh, bother. well... she's a goner. by now, the icy tide has already dropped its core temperature to near freezing. and down it goes. now it's at 50 meters. complete crushing blackness. 100 meters. the pressure is so intense, the keys are popping right out of its head.", "y": "head?"}, {"x": "200 meters. no one will ever find its m*nled remains, save for the crustacea that feed off its lifeless husk. can you hear me now? no. because you're on the bottom of the sea.", "y": "well, i got a big morning, so... dry cleaners, bank, you know, so..."}, {"x": "so you really thought i was gonna k*ll you?", "y": "well... ish."}, {"x": "oh, ted, that's ridiculous. if i wanted to k*ll you, i'd invite you to my hunting lodge. it's far more remote, and i wouldn't have to worry about you turning up in some nosy fisherman's net.", "y": "see? it's stuff like that. why-why do you talk that way?"}, {"x": "oh, i'm just jesting for sport. see, sometimes i don't bond as well with zoey's younger friends. but i know she really likes you. i was hoping that maybe we could be buddies.", "y": "we can. we can be buddies. just not on a boat."}, {"x": "are you sure you did it right?", "y": "hey, punchy, i've given this some serious thought. i think i know how we can crush these floral arrangements."}, {"x": "ah, here it comes. hit me up, schmos!", "y": "peonies, lavender blossoms with a halo of baby's breath for an ambiance of springtime rejuvenation."}, {"x": "that's exactly the accent of whimsy this celebration of love needs!", "y": "it's gonna be a magical day. i know what you're thinking. i wish i was a dude."}, {"x": "i do wish you were a dude.", "y": "because if i was a dude, i could have ted mosby as my best man."}, {"x": "no, and here's why.,ted, the best man's job is not to crush the floral arrangements. it's to get the groom down the aisle, because, no matter who he is, he will freak out. and i just don't think you have what it takes to get that get that soldier to pick up his r*fle and charge up the hill.", "y": "uh, are you forgetting i've done this before? i was marshall's best man."}, {"x": "and how did that go again? oh for one.", "y": "oh, come on. that wasn't my fault. and need i remind you, i gave a beautiful toast."}, {"x": "ted. oh, do you take one to be your lawfully wedded wife? oh, god, i'm freaking out. why did i chose ted to be my best man?", "y": "uh, yeah. it's hard to take criticism from someone who just recorded seven episodes of million dollar heads or tails."}, {"x": "what was the year of the coin again?", "y": "why this sudden obsession with heads or tails?"}, {"x": "so now, because of that incident, heads or tails is looking for a new currency rotation specialist.", "y": "you mean coin flip bimbo?"}, {"x": "they're not bimbos!", "y": "you auditioned, didn't you?"}, {"x": "currency rotation specialist.", "y": "robin, you better check yourself before you trebek yourself. you're a journalist! what is the matter with you?"}, {"x": "well, it's a national audience! i get to wear shiny dresses!", "y": "robin, have you forgotten about your new year's resolution?"}, {"x": "well, i did, but they only offered me a boring, low-paid, off-camera research job.", "y": "which could be a stepping stone to bigger things in your career."}, {"x": "oh, my gosh. that's amazing news.", "y": "what changed your mind?"}, {"x": "you are looking at the new coin flip bimbo.", "y": "you took the heads or tails job?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "what about world wide news, your i.d. badge? you made a new year's resolution."}, {"x": "okay, i also said i would never make out with a garbage man. life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. what's with the gingerbread house?", "y": "we're seeing a christmas movie. it's a christmas-themed movie snack."}, {"x": "let's hope santa brings you a girlfriend this year, teddy.", "y": "where the hell is barney?"}, {"x": "hey, guys. a yuletide riddle. what is my second favorite word that begins with b-o-n?", "y": "bon jovi?"}, {"x": "yeah. what is my third favorite word that begins with b-o-n? bonus. as in, my end-of-the-year bonus check.", "y": "my god, barney! i work for gnb, too. all i got was $15 gift card to costa coffee."}, {"x": "and you earned it, buddy. check out what i'm gonna buy for myself. the dibiase. see those pinstripes? diamonds. it is the uppest a person could ever suit.", "y": "uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?"}, {"x": "hey, guys. big announcement.", "y": "let me guess. you got a huge bonus check, too."}, {"x": "no, just a $30 gift card to costa coffee.", "y": "thirty?!"}, {"x": "remote control helicopters! condoms! and last but not least... there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to... a strip club! you get a lap dance! you get a lap dance! you're gonna give me a lap dance! everybody gets a lap dance! that was amazing! it was like a diamond suit for my soul. i gotta keep going. i gotta do more.", "y": "no. no! i cannot go back to that strip club. i seen some things."}, {"x": "diamond suited up. hey, ted, can you spot me for the movie? i don't like to carry a lot of cash on me.", "y": "what happened to giving the money away?"}, {"x": "yeah, that was back when lily was pregnant. now she's not. ergo, a suit is born. dude, what's up with the gingerbread house? you look ridiculous!", "y": "it's a christmas-themed movie snack!"}, {"x": "ah, i know that move. you cut a hole in the floor, she reaches into the living room, finds the tree... nice.", "y": "where the hell are marshall and lily?"}, {"x": "what am i doing with my life?", "y": "i should get a christmas-themed movie snack for tomorrow night."}, {"x": "so disappointing.", "y": "are you guys okay?"}, {"x": "don't reach into the living room!", "y": "wow, i-i thought you guys would be devastated."}, {"x": "oh. our movie snack.", "y": "are you kidding me?! all you ever talk about is having kids! and now you have one little freak-out and you want to get a dog instead?! no. unacceptable! you're gonna turn around, you're gonna go home, get naked, lie together as man and wife until lily is great with child. right now! i'm serious! go, go, go!"}, {"x": "i can't give this suit back. ted, i glow in the dark. i finally glow in the dark!", "y": "criminals of new york! attention! this man is wearing a diamond-covered suit! you could retire on the pants alone! merry christmas!"}, {"x": "so, if i get a large popcorn, you want to go split-skees or...", "y": "and you... you did not move to the greatest city on earth to become a coin-flipping bimbo. so here's how it's gonna work heads, you take the job at world wide news; tails, you take the job at world wide news. ow! hey, looks like somebody got a new gig!"}, {"x": "fine, i'll call them tomorrow. i'll call them right now.", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "ted, i can't get married!", "y": "yes, you can! you love her!"}, {"x": "you're right, i do! thanks, ted!", "y": "one for it's a wonderful life, please. thank you."}, {"x": "it's just an expression. i'm still not your dad.", "y": "congratulations."}, {"x": "you know, that was really cool what you did. when we all needed it, you got us back on the right path.", "y": "it's what i do."}, {"x": "hey, ted, if i, um, if i ever get married and you're not the guy i'm marrying...", "y": "big mistake, but go on."}, {"x": "...i could really use someone like you. you know, in case i freak out. when i freak out. you interested?", "y": "are you asking what i think you're asking?"}, {"x": "ted, will you be my best man?", "y": "scherbatsky... i'm gonna crush it."}, {"x": "i'm not playing laser tag.", "y": "i'm absolutely not playing laser tag."}, {"x": "not today i wasn't.", "y": "wow, we finally found barney's doppelganger. i guess we can tell you now, lily. that hot dog guy did not look like barney."}, {"x": "oh, here comes our new hardfire host. robin, this is sandy rivers.", "y": "oh, i hate that guy."}, {"x": "know each other? we've had sex.", "y": "you had sex with sandy rivers?"}, {"x": "no! ugh! and i can't believe it's my first day, and already i'm the girl who slept with the host of the show.", "y": "already? were you planning on eventually sleeping with the host?"}, {"x": "problem?! you can't get a girl pregnant. that's the dream. i'd give my firstborn to not be able to have children.", "y": "so, second day of work?"}, {"x": "what's wrong?", "y": "oh, you didn't hear? she's the office slut."}, {"x": "and now everyone calls me scherpoopie. it's not funny.", "y": "robin, a word of advice play along. okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get. it's like when your car slides on ice, you steer into the skid."}, {"x": "oh, it's my dad.", "y": "aren't you going to get it?"}, {"x": "no, no, you know what? um, i'm gonna get my stuff checked out first. i'll call my dad after dr. stangel gives me the thumbs up.", "y": "he has to do that?"}, {"x": "gregory.", "y": "oh, god. what did they find?"}, {"x": "they even found the video of me getting att*cked by an owl.", "y": "you got att*cked by an owl?"}, {"x": "i did not get att*cked by an owl.", "y": "robin, listen, here's what you need to do..."}, {"x": "okay, don't you dare tell me to steer into the skid, okay? it's too late. i'm already wrapped around a hydro pole. it's a canadian telephone pole. i never should have taken this job.", "y": "show me \"owl att*ck\"."}, {"x": "give me a \"c\". give me an \"o\". give me an \"x\". what's that spell? cox! cox! cox! cox! cox! cox!", "y": "uh... okay, i did a bad thing last night. i looked up his address."}, {"x": "who?", "y": "sorry. you said \"who\". it reminded me of the owl footage. genius. no. sandy. how dare he laugh at you. who does he think... sorry. \"who\". anyway. i looked up his address in your contact list."}, {"x": "oh, god. tell me you didn't go over there.", "y": "i just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse."}, {"x": "oh, god. tell me those aren't the names of your fists.", "y": "they're my feet. i'm actually more of a kicker. so i went to his apartment."}, {"x": "oh, my god. this is...", "y": "this is how you make sure sandy never makes fun of you again. i told you to steer into the skid. that was bad advice. so new advice. steer into sandy, and run him down."}, {"x": "if people found out sandy wears a toupee...", "y": "really? that's your take-away? nothing on the bear in the bra?"}, {"x": "we didn't have a hair dryer, dear.", "y": "so? possibly last day of work?"}, {"x": "actually, sandy, i have something i think you're all gonna want to see.", "y": "yes! put him in a body bag!"}, {"x": "okay, i didn't do it.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "i didn't want to just viciously att*ck someone out of the blue like some kind of...", "y": "owl?"}, {"x": "hey, um, can i borrow your phone? i want to call my dad.", "y": "yeah, go ahead."}, {"x": "well, uh, i've been to a couple funerals, so i know my role i'm vice girl. whatever marshall needs to get through this day, i got it right here.", "y": "cigarettes, alcohol... are these firecrackers? my god, robin, you somehow crammed tijuana into a purse."}, {"x": "okay, yes, judy and i aren't besties, but today, whatever she needs, i'm there. i'm on judy duty.", "y": "\"judy duty.\""}, {"x": "really, guys? at a funeral?", "y": "uh, okay, while not all of us possess your lofty sense of decorum, drug-dealerfrom-an-'80s-after-school-special, we have to laugh today. it's healthy."}, {"x": "ted, what's the one thing that always cracks him up?", "y": "internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts."}, {"x": "internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts, exactly! so we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler. you search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards, and i'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding crops.", "y": "what about animals?"}, {"x": "wow, you really do have everything in there, don't you?", "y": "you're like mary poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with dr*gs."}, {"x": "marshall eriksen, you could use a laugh.", "y": "yeah! this video is entitled, \"little league coach gets hit in the nuts by a foul ball and then vomits in a garbage can.\" i don't wanna give anything away. let's just watch."}, {"x": "see? 'cause, 'cause he got hit...", "y": "...right in the nuts,"}, {"x": "trey platt. i can't believe my father's funeral service is being led by trey \"the noogie machine\" platt.", "y": "that guy gave you noogies? what, did he carry a stepladder?"}, {"x": "this next clip is entitled, \"guy playing bagpipes gets hit in the nuts by low-flying seagull\"", "y": "let's see what happens."}, {"x": "here he comes... oh! oh! 'cause he gets hit right in the nuts.", "y": "and then the fat kid loses his swim trunks."}, {"x": "you should listen to it. just don't put too much pressure on it.", "y": "she's right. i mean, this idea that someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful? i mean, who can live up to that?"}, {"x": "the point is, last words are overrated.", "y": "look, think of it this way you get to hear your dad's voice one last time."}, {"x": "you think your snobby new york cooking is better than mine-- admit it! well, go ahead, lily, why don't you just whip up a batch of your fancy tofu sushi bagels! and choke on them!", "y": "whoa. are you okay?"}, {"x": "judy's finally sleeping and it's all because of me! guys, i have a role i'm judy's bitch! yeah!", "y": "well, but this day is tough on you, too. you sure you can absorb all that?"}, {"x": "guys, guys, what if-- god forbid-- all of your dads d*ed right now? what would their last words to you have been? seriously.", "y": "i know mine. when i was in cleveland last month, i went to visit my dad at his... post-divorce bachelor pad."}, {"x": "been fun bro-ing out with you tonight, t-dawg.", "y": "yeah... so glad we can we can talk about our sex lives now. that's totally an improvement."}, {"x": "i hooked up with a younger woman the other week-- donna bromstead.", "y": "my prom date?!"}, {"x": "how far did you get, t-dawg?", "y": "i have to go."}, {"x": "how would you like those to be your father's last words?", "y": "well, they might be. donna bromstead's husband is a cop."}, {"x": "fooled ya. leave a message after the beep. we'll get back to ya. beep.", "y": "that's awful."}, {"x": "that salad's the first food she's eaten in two days. sure, it's mostly cheese, mayonnaise and jelly beans, but it counts.", "y": "well, at least someone's helping. we haven't made marshall laugh once."}, {"x": "yeah. showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't going to do anything. i'm just stupid.", "y": "stupid."}, {"x": "what we need to do is hit each other in the nuts.", "y": "yes. nothing beats the immediacy of live theater. but which one of us is going to take the hit so that's it? no discussion?"}, {"x": "i'm not going to listen. \"rent crocodile dundee ii\" are the last words that my father will ever say to me, and i think i can live with that.", "y": "is he laughing?"}, {"x": "lame.", "y": "these stories suck."}, {"x": "oh, man. i should have rented crocodile dundee iii.", "y": "okay, seriously, how are you doing that?"}, {"x": "i thought the oven was celsius.", "y": "it's okay. we got hot dogs."}, {"x": "oh.oops.", "y": "well, looks like someone's going out in the cold to get more ketchup."}, {"x": "oh, come on, man, i brought the wine.", "y": "which is all gone."}, {"x": "all right, i tell you what... you get this one bottle, i'll get the next three.", "y": "hmm, tell you what... no dice."}, {"x": "i'll get the next hundred.", "y": "you're not getting out of this."}, {"x": "you want to go on a date with my hot cousin?", "y": "i'll get the ketchup."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "so are we ever gonna see you again? because, if i recall correctly, you owe me a date with your hot cousin."}, {"x": "you still want to do that?", "y": "yes. and we miss you. but the cousin thing mostly. let's get that going."}, {"x": "honey.", "y": "hi, honey, i'm ted."}, {"x": "ted, a word. god, i hate these situations. what are we gonna do about this?", "y": "what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "come on, ted, it's obvious. honey's vibing on me.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "it's called body language. remember when she was touching your arm and leaning in real close?", "y": "mm-hmm."}, {"x": "well, while that was happening, the straw in her drink was pointed right at me. i mean... that's as clear as a signal gets, so... i'm so sorry, man.", "y": "you're right. she's all yours, buddy. i'd say hump her brains out, but someone obviously already has."}, {"x": "good for you. ted mosby does not take advantage of poor, helpless honeys.", "y": "yeah, actually, there's another reason that i didn't go home with her."}, {"x": "go on.", "y": "yeah, actually, there's another reason that i didn't go home with her."}, {"x": "hmm?", "y": "i'm in love with zoey."}, {"x": "yeah, who called this intervention?", "y": "i did. it's for me. this is about the coffee breath."}, {"x": "guys, just let the man explain how it's all about his wearing a lady's watch.", "y": "it's because i'm in love with zoey, and she's married, so it needs to stop. and... intervene."}, {"x": "are you sure it's love?", "y": "remember the ketchup bottle? she wasn't the one who dropped it. when she reached for it, our fingers touched, and.. i knew, right in that moment, this isn't friendship. this is love."}, {"x": "yeah, but zoey is friends with us now, too. it's not like ted can just ghost out on her. she'll always be around.", "y": "then what am i supposed to do?"}, {"x": "okay, just shut it down. okay, just ignore your feelings. if-if she asks you for ketchup, tell her to get it her own damn self. look, i like zoey. without her, my dinner party wouldn't have been such a success. so those feelings of yours... shut 'em down.", "y": "fine. i'll shut 'em down."}, {"x": "that is exactly how it happened. so ted did his best to impress her, but as per yoozh, he bored the pants very much on her.", "y": "blah, blah, blah, i'm an architect. blah, blah, blah, i don't wear suits. blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."}, {"x": "wow, an architect. how fascinating.", "y": "blah, blah, blah, blah. rambling architecture anecdote. blah, blah, something about a bridge. blah, blah, blah..."}, {"x": "so ted's in love with zoey and zoey's in love with ted? well, that-that's not going to work. i got to call ted.", "y": "hello."}, {"x": "listen, ted, um, i got to tell you something about zoey.", "y": "yeah, yeah. i need to tell you something about zoey, too."}, {"x": "hey. i was in the neighborhood and i thought i'd take you up on that beer you're about to offer me.", "y": "can i get you a beer?"}, {"x": "what?! fridge full of ketchup? how? how, i ask you? what?", "y": "listen, zoey, i, um... i need to tell you something. um..."}, {"x": "marcus, hang up! both of you, hang up! and we need ice cream. go on.", "y": "i, uh... i can't be friends with you anymore. and this may seem strange, but... you can't ask me why."}, {"x": "wow. okay.", "y": "and that was it. no more zoey."}, {"x": "oh, i know. but did he tell you the whole story?", "y": "i, uh, i can't be friends with you anymore. and you can't ask me why."}, {"x": "why?", "y": "lily hates you."}, {"x": "what's this really about?", "y": "i told you. lily hates you."}, {"x": "i think you hate me. i think you have some big problem with me, and you're too chicken to come out and say it.", "y": "all right. yes. i... hate you."}, {"x": "great. see? was that so hard?", "y": "zoey."}, {"x": "zoey's in love with ted and ted doesn't know. so ted and zoey... they're in love with each other, which would be fine if zoey wasn't married to colonel mustard. i mean, the captain. except now, as honey informs me...", "y": "and we miss you. but the cousin thing mostly. let's get that going."}, {"x": "you're doing this all wrong! ted, there are couples in my kindergarten class who have moved faster than you two. granted, their home lives are not great.", "y": "hey, i'm trying. i keep suggesting these big, romantic dates, and she keeps putting on the brakes. like tonight, she wants me to just come over and bake cookies."}, {"x": "private booty, reporting for duty.", "y": "that's crazy. she-she wants to bake."}, {"x": "it's called class, ted.", "y": "wait. that... you think that's what she means by \"baking cookies\"?"}, {"x": "are you kidding? you're in the kitchen, it's getting hot, you start licking stuff off each others' fingers. before you know it, she's bent over the marble island, and you're spanking her with a rubber spatula. and she's screaming, \"stop, marshall, stop,\" but that's just code for \"harder!\"", "y": "marshall's been in minnesota a while, huh?"}, {"x": "it's a thing. much like valentine's day itself, desperation day dates back thousands of years. weddings were forbidden under ancient roman law, so saint valentine performed them in secret, under thr*at of death.", "y": "that's actually true."}, {"x": "wait, there's more.", "y": "this won't be."}, {"x": "and we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. oh, no offense, ted.", "y": "and none was taken until just then."}, {"x": "you brought an overnight bag?", "y": "you guys said i was definitely going to spend the night."}, {"x": "so how did zoey react?", "y": "she thought it was presumptuous and asked me to leave. it's-it's not like i brought a ton of stuff."}, {"x": "were there slippers for the morning?", "y": "not slippers, exactly."}, {"x": "there he was, on the bed, looking at old photos of his dad. that's emotional self-abuse, don't you think?", "y": "listen, that was a dumb move for me to just assume..."}, {"x": "no, no, i overreacted. i mean, i invited you over to \"bake cookies.\" we both knew what that meant.", "y": "we totally did."}, {"x": "i just, you know... i saw those slippers in your bag, and suddenly everything felt really serious. and... ever since, i've been asking myself, \"am i ready for this?\" and... the answer is \"yes.\"", "y": "they're actually called british morning socks."}, {"x": "yeah. don't get in your own way.", "y": "right. okay."}, {"x": "so valentine's day is tomorrow.", "y": "yeah. you know, there's this new italian restaurant on 79th that's supposed to be amazing."}, {"x": "i would be happier having just a simple, home-cooked meal. as long as it's with you.", "y": "tomorrow night, my place."}, {"x": "i'm ready for this, ted. i am in it for the long haul. i can't wait for our first valentine's day as a couple. the one we'll remember for years.", "y": "isn't that great?"}, {"x": "yeah, if you say so, yeah.", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "look, she just got out of a marriage, ted. that's heavy. i'm kind of freaking out, just listening to you. my heart is pounding, i'm hearing this weird clicking noise.", "y": "well, it's romantic, right? zoey and i are getting serious on valentine's day."}, {"x": "see, that just amps up the pressure even more. boy, it's a good thing that you're sure.", "y": "who said i wasn't sure? i'm glad we're in a serious relationship. right away. and if i screw this up, i'm the devil, because she's going through a divorce. but i'm not going to screw this up. so stop freaking out, robin. stop freaking out!"}, {"x": "ted... i thought you were going to talk to marshall about coming back to new york.", "y": "yeah, but, you know, things move so fast in new york. why not hang out here until at least after valentine's day. plus, we're helping marshall's mom. uh, mrs. eriksen, we're running low on sunnyd!"}, {"x": "while i'm sure it's been really helpful for her to have you here playing super mario kart for 14 hours a day...", "y": "you have super mario kart?!"}, {"x": "i miss my dad, ted. i miss him so much.", "y": "i know."}, {"x": "thanks a lot for coming out here, man.", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "hey, are-are you sure it's okay with zoey that you're here for valentine's day?", "y": "well, i mean, technically, she doesn't know yet."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "things with zoey are moving really fast, and the divorce just makes everything more complicated. i just, i needed to take a step back."}, {"x": "you're not taking a step back. you're running away. and hiding out here, hiding out here is not gonna solve anything. you're just holed up in minnesota because you're too scared to face reality, and it's... we got to go back to new york, tonight.", "y": "we're snowed in. lily got the last flight."}, {"x": "so, we drive. it's time. it's time to get back to real life. it's time to grow up. yeah mom! can you make us some pb and j's for the road?", "y": "crusts cut off."}, {"x": "really? an overnight bag for your own living room? looks like we got a matching set.", "y": "well, that was kind of presumptuous."}, {"x": "hey, ted.", "y": "hey... there she is. wow."}, {"x": "wendy the waitress.", "y": "wendy the waitress! i was just saying-- what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "oh, ted, she doesn't want...", "y": "no, it's a cute story. once upon a time..."}, {"x": "oh, man, this movie is scary.", "y": "i know, right? but then one day, zoey and the captain had a huge fight. he flipped out and demanded a divorce. and she was heartbroken. but after a little soul-searching, she ended up back in my and the rest, as they say, is history."}, {"x": "actually, i said, \"how's your meat?\"", "y": "oh. a little cold."}, {"x": "oh, ted, did you have a chance to pick up that box i left at my old apartment?", "y": "oh. yeah, i don't want to see the captain. i mean this in a super manly way. that guy scares the panties off me."}, {"x": "you don't have to see him. he left the box with the doorman.", "y": "if it's really important to you, i will pick it up tomorrow."}, {"x": "all right, guys, i have to go. i have a big meaningless stack of paperwork that i have to get off my desk to make room for tomorrow's big meaningless stack of paperwork. but it's all worth it, you know, 'cause at least i know i'm making the world a... place. all right, see you guys later.", "y": "i'm worried about marshall. he doesn't seem like himself lately."}, {"x": "i tried. they're pretty strict with backgrounds.", "y": "anyway, we should get going."}, {"x": "is it over? i call on top.", "y": "i'm here to..."}, {"x": "ted. what a surprise. ted.", "y": "captain. i..."}, {"x": "you've come to rescue me from the capsized wreckage of my marriage. mm... i hesitated calling you because i know you and zoey were friendly.", "y": "pssh, nah..."}, {"x": "dude, don't do that. all they're going to hear is \"$12 million,\" and all you're going to hear is the sound of the door smacking your fired ass. and some muffled laughter. which i apologize for in advance.", "y": "guys, i got a problem. i ran into the captain."}, {"x": "ted, beneath this lustrous mane,i wear the horns of a cuckold. zoey left me for another man.", "y": "wow."}, {"x": "once upon a time, zoey and i were happy. blissful as arcadian shepherds. i was poseidon, she my amphitrite. i dare say, scylla and charybdis could not have torn us asunder. we had great big boners for each other. but then... enter the scoundrel. i don't know what he looks like, but i picture him with a mustache.", "y": "yes! limit the search to guys with mustaches. smart."}, {"x": "anyway, soon the inevitable happened. she told me she was in love with someone else. obviously, it made me angry.", "y": "and that's the last time you saw her."}, {"x": "but i gathered my composure, and told her i'd do anything to keep her. i begged her not to leave. we made love that night.", "y": "that's damn good brandy."}, {"x": "but morning came, and she was gone.", "y": "oh, captain... don't blame yourself."}, {"x": "i don't blame myself. hmm? there's only one man i blame for this.", "y": "me. i'm the bad guy."}, {"x": "well, maybe to him you are, but in the story of picking up the box for zoey, you're the hero.", "y": "damn it! the box!"}, {"x": "cwap.", "y": "hi, i'm here to pick up..."}, {"x": "hello, ted.", "y": "to the study?"}, {"x": "to the study! mmm. ted... i know.", "y": "know what?"}, {"x": "i know who stole my zoey. no man likes to be betrayed, especially by a friend. you can imagine then how painful it was when i learned that the name of my betrayer is... ted... when i tell you who it is, you're gonna... it's my doorman!", "y": "that son of a bitch! you think zoey's sleeping with the doorman?"}, {"x": "he always winks and tips his hat when he sees her. i know how these things work. he holds her package, and pretty soon, she's holding his. and then there's his glorious mustache. i will have him fired for this!", "y": "no, no, no, you can't fire him."}, {"x": "you're right. maritime protocol demands physical retribution!", "y": "oh, my god! no, no! no physical retribution! stop!"}, {"x": "who is this flower child, and what has he done with my lionhearted friend ted mosby?!", "y": "look, look, yes, yes, the doorman is a scoundrel. the mustache alone gives that away. he's a rake, a rogue, a rapscallion!"}, {"x": "whoa, \"rapscallion\" may be going a bit far, ted.", "y": "but it's not his fault, okay? it's nobody's fault. you and zoey have nothing in common. for god's sake, captain, she hates boats! you're just not right for each other. look, i know it's tough to face, but i'm sure a small part of you has always known that."}, {"x": "why couldn't she just like boats? just to have one thing in common? other girls like boats, don't they?", "y": "of course they do. and you'll find one. and you'll be much happier with her than you ever were with zoey."}, {"x": "when you put it that way, i should almost thank the doorman.", "y": "yeah, yeah! and, you know, since, since it doesn't really matter who zoey's dating now..."}, {"x": "it doesn't, it really doesn't. it doesn't.", "y": "it's me. you're welcome."}, {"x": "barney. go get her.", "y": "listen, zoey, i need to ask you something. did i steal you?"}, {"x": "well... yeah. you did. by being the kind of sweet, thoughtful guy who'd never even think of stealing someone, you stole me.", "y": "so i'm the bad guy. great."}, {"x": "well, the story isn't over, ted. it'll be years before we know who's the good guy and who's the bad guy. i mean, yes, divorce sucks, but sometimes things need to fall apart to make way for better things.", "y": "if you say so."}, {"x": "oh, thank god. i'll go first. ted, this hous you bought for your hypothetical family is super weird. we talk about it all the time behind your back.", "y": "yeah. this intervention isn't for me. it's for you"}, {"x": "barney, i can't believe your giant tv is broken. it's march madness.", "y": "okay, uh, i think i see what the problem is. barney, can you grab me a screwdriver?"}, {"x": "yeah... here's the thing about me and tools... the only one i know how to use is attached to me, and i am not going to try putting it in the tv. again.", "y": "okay, that's ridiculous. everyone should know how to use tools."}, {"x": "\"so, how 'bout those last 30 super bowls\"?", "y": "okay, now i feel bad about making fun of him for the tool thing. my dad was the one who taught me all that stuff."}, {"x": "well, to be fair, everyone has some glaring gap in knowledge, something really obvious you somehow never learned.", "y": "okay, but a screwdriver? come on, i don't have any gaps that fundamental."}, {"x": "really? i seem to recall...", "y": "daniel burnham was an architect whose ever-shifting style and aesthetic made him a true architectural chamma-leeon. and only the most gifted chamma-leeon could've designed classic beaux arts masterpieces right alongside sleek modern flatirons. his name might as well have been daniel chamma-leeon."}, {"x": "um, professor? uh, do you mean \"chameleon\"?", "y": "betty, i'm pretty sure it's pronounced \"chamma-leeon,\" so... class dismissed. no homework. for a while."}, {"x": "ted, that wasn't easy. it took a lot of \"ch-aracter\" to admit that.", "y": "okay, scherbatsky. you want to tussle? i'll tussle."}, {"x": "you want to tussle? let's tussle.", "y": "marine biologist."}, {"x": "i still think about him in the shower.", "y": "hey. tell us everything. how'd it go, bud?"}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "well, this guy has flaked out on your whole life. it sounds like he just might be telling you what you want to hear."}, {"x": "first of all, robin, my dad could b*at up your dad. second, you don't have to worry. he's cool. now if you'll excuse me... i have to go renew my passport, and get a travel-sized rotating vietnamese shame wheel. don't ask; you're not ready.", "y": "i hope barney's dad isn't just pretending to be something he's not, you know?"}, {"x": "yeah. that would make jerry a real chamma-leeon.", "y": "you have gaps, too, lily."}, {"x": "sure, honey.", "y": "you have terrible aim."}, {"x": "seriously, it's time. what are my gaps?", "y": "well, i guess maybe one gap you have is... you can't wink."}, {"x": "i like having a brother.", "y": "you always add too much water to oatmeal."}, {"x": "isn't it hard for you guys to be on opposite sides of something like this?", "y": "of course you feel that way, lily. you and marshall have basically melded into one big hermaphroditic blob. and that's fine for you guys. but some of us want a partner who challenges us to grow and evolve."}, {"x": "you guys are in screaming matches all the time.", "y": "uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh. growing matches."}, {"x": "are you kidding me?! it's don quixote...the classic quest story with the hero-jester and his long-suffering manservant!", "y": "okay, clearly, when we're watching tommy boy, we're watching two different movies."}, {"x": "no, you hang up.", "y": "no, you hang up."}, {"x": "no, you hang up.", "y": "no, you hang up! no, you hang up."}, {"x": "no, you hang up.", "y": "no, you... hold on. hello?"}, {"x": "for the love of god, will one of you idiots hang up the phone?", "y": "why would you do that?!"}, {"x": "i-i thought you'd like it.", "y": "who likes that?"}, {"x": "your relationship sounds exhausting.", "y": "well, maybe yours is a bit lazy."}, {"x": "well, i know that a trip there costs some serious lira.", "y": "it's dinero."}, {"x": "baby, more than ever, you have my full support.", "y": "you know, sometimes i feel bad for lily and marshall."}, {"x": "how can you not remember my name?", "y": "it's like they never challenge each other. they just automatically agree all the time."}, {"x": "well, they don't do that all the time.", "y": "yes, they do."}, {"x": "no, they don't.", "y": "yes, they do. it's like they..."}, {"x": "baby, if this is what you need to do, we'll figure it out. how's barney handling you leaving?", "y": "hey, barney, there's a bunch of models in the lobby, and the gossip is one of them is really a dude. you want to play \"who's hot and who's scott?\""}, {"x": "it's always the one in the turtleneck, ted. and no, i don't want to play. stupid marshall-... ruined everything.", "y": "oh, come on. everything's not ruined."}, {"x": "guys, everything's ruined.", "y": "what? why?"}, {"x": "...so, if the landmarks preservation committee sides with zoey, your whole project goes down the tubes? you must be furious.", "y": "i'm furiously enjoying being challenged."}, {"x": "why don't you admit that your girlfriend challenging your every move is getting you a little m*rder-suicidey?", "y": "why don't you admit that marshall quitting his job and taking an unpaid internship is k*lling you?"}, {"x": "it's not.", "y": "lily, the downside to having giant, japanese anime eyes is that they're easy to read. and yours are screaming, \"what about my trip to spain, deadbeat?\""}, {"x": "okay, ted, the downside to having a woman's mouth is, your feminine pout gives away your true feelings. and yours is saying, \"oh, zoey, why can't i be on top just this once?\"", "y": "we take turns! sometimes."}, {"x": "oh! ugh! you are worse than my shrink. \"barney, we have to talk about your father.\" \"barney, i'm not going to teach you how to hypnotize people. you'll only use it for evil.\" \"barney, i am not going to conduct a couples session \"between you and this woman. she's obviously a prost*tute.\" i don't need this!", "y": "ah, lily aldrin, half of the world's most perfect couple! i was thinking about that woman's mouth comment, and i have three good comebacks. one your mom didn't seem to mind it last night on her..."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "you know, just because zoey and i are a different kind of couple than you and marshall doesn't make us a worse couple."}, {"x": "you're right. i-if you and zoey are happy, then who am i to judge? i'm so sorry.", "y": "oh, my god, is that how support feels? it's so warm and wonderful. oh, lily, i've been so unhappy."}, {"x": "but i thought you liked being challenged.", "y": "nobody likes being challenged! couldn't she agree with me just once, even on something little, like... like what movie to see or-or what topping to get on our pizza or... oh, i don't know, my lifelong dream of building a skyscraper in new york city?!"}, {"x": "well, in her defense, hamburger pizza, ted? what are you, 12?", "y": "you were right, lily. i mean, zoey's great, but... sometimes i do wish we were a little more like you and marshall. there he is. here we go."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. i don't speak... whatever it is you're speaking.", "y": "um, he speaks perfect english."}, {"x": "yeah, i-i know.", "y": "then why did you ask me to come?"}, {"x": "so you can drive him to the fund-raiser. supporting marshall this much is driving me crazy. i'm going to spain-- my flight leaves in 45 minutes. adios, muchacho.", "y": "w-wait, what do you mean you're going to spain?"}, {"x": "you were right. if i hear myself say \"baby, you have my full support\" one more time, i swear i'm gonna m*rder someone!", "y": "what are you gonna tell marshall, huh? and when are you coming back?"}, {"x": "i honestly haven't thought it all the way through, and i don't intend to. all i know is that i'm a ticking time b*mb, and if i don't do something for me right away, i swear i'm gonna explode!", "y": "wow, tha... that's an evocative metaphor to use for your nonthreatening, totally patriotic emotions. u.s.a.! okay, lily, i get it."}, {"x": "marshall's been asking a lot lately.", "y": "but the thing to do is-is tell him you've had enough."}, {"x": "i've never been good at that. and now, ever since his dad d*ed, i-i feel like it's my job to just be fine with everything. but i'm not. i'm not fine that he volunteers our apartment for a giant fund-raiser and that he's not thinking about how we're gonna pay any of our bills and that, apparently, we've given up on trying to have kids.", "y": "lil..."}, {"x": "right over there. enjoy. hey. hey, thanks for picking him up.", "y": "yeah, absolutely. um, listen, something happened at the airport. um..."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "well, we got there, and, uh, lily.. lily..."}, {"x": "ted.", "y": "hey! what are you doing here?"}, {"x": "this is really important to marshall, so i came to show my support.", "y": "this you can be supportive of?!"}, {"x": "what is that supposed to mean?", "y": "i have the chance to build a skyscraper in the best city on earth, and who's the one leading the charge to k*ll that dream? my girlfriend!"}, {"x": "zero right! we're not getting too old for anything.", "y": "you sure? i feel like we collectively learn the opposite lesson, like, at least once a year."}, {"x": "also, marshall, you can't just be unemployed, so you are now a gin-swilling, womanizing playwright. and, ted, just be yourself. just kidding. here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about.", "y": "well. well, this could actually be fun. in fact, i believe it was oscar wilde who said, \"man is least himself when he talks...\""}, {"x": "ted, card.", "y": "ah. you're right... \"no quoting oscar wilde.\""}, {"x": "hey, barney... love the new identities. little thing... instead of being a naked super ninja, can i be meryl streep in the devil wears prada?", "y": "how good was that movie?"}, {"x": "that's... a little depressing.", "y": "uh, hi again. ted. oh, and, jerry, you remember my girlfriend."}, {"x": "oh, no shut down, too.", "y": "there's where?"}, {"x": "okay.", "y": "not okay. that place is lame."}, {"x": "oh, i like focus. let's go there.", "y": "where?"}, {"x": "i'll go anyplace, okay?", "y": "not okay. okay is lame."}, {"x": "guys, just pick a club, okay?", "y": "not okay!"}, {"x": "i should be so lucky.", "y": "hi! i'm ted! robin's boyfriend! nice to meet you."}, {"x": "okay, jerry's gone; let's break up.", "y": "okay. \"i would have stolen you a whole orchestra.\" there. what's the rush?"}, {"x": "well, that guy who came over here who thinks we're dating, i kind of have a crush on him. can you help me clear it up?", "y": "really? that guy? he was, like, a four."}, {"x": "a four? god, you are, like, the worst judge of guys ever. okay, if he is a four, what are you?", "y": "hey! i'm not perfect; i'm an eight... and a half."}, {"x": "you're a doofus and a half.", "y": "fine. let's go talk to him. where'd you meet this booger-eater anyway?"}, {"x": "at a close-out sale at dawes.", "y": "really? i remember that sale."}, {"x": "oh, ted. oh, no.", "y": "look what i just bought. right? right?"}, {"x": "just take off your damn shirt. okay.", "y": "all right."}]
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