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+[{"x": "friends, tonight is the night. i invite tiffany home to see my collection of vintage cameras.", "y": "it's the lure of ted."}, {"x": "bait?", "y": "a true gentleman invents an excuse to bring home a respectable lady. something interesting or beautiful that can claim to admire for 5 minutes before it starts on the track."}, {"x": "it was the first week of college. i was way into wu-tang clan.", "y": "it's tricky. it must be interesting enough that the girl up, but not too much not to spoil the evening."}, {"x": "i can borrow your mini pig?", "y": "yes, you can borrow."}, {"x": "what? i am not to his hook.", "y": "yes, completely."}, {"x": "\"for now\" you draw a picture of a future where everything will be magical, but in truth, it'll never happen.", "y": "it's like that. \"i can not be with you\". \"for now.\""}, {"x": "i can not spoil the tijuana tuesday.", "y": "really? you really gonna sit and watch the door all night because tiffany said she would try to pass?"}, {"x": "it will get better with tiffany.", "y": "ted, let me be clear. that girl is poison and you have to forget your life forever."}, {"x": "there she is. it has led to colleagues.", "y": "hold on to it. never lets go! i have never seen more beautiful girls. they all work with tiffany?"}, {"x": "yep.", "y": "there can be only one explanation for that. tiffany is a representative... e, pharmaceuticals?"}, {"x": "how do you know?", "y": "and you never thought to say?"}, {"x": "what? it's just a job.", "y": "that a b... since time immemorial there has always been a professional edge to which girls g*ns, like tiffany, have flocked. i'll redo the story?"}, {"x": "i will not say explicitly.", "y": "it began 2.5 million years ago. the man was a hunter.so the profession's sexiest moment? picker. h*m* erectus, indeed. with improved technology, the profession's sexiest moment was changing. i'm sure it's a hernia. you can double-check? and then the man grabbed the heavens. so girls sexy stiletto heels began and became a flight attendant. i'm right and ready to fire. then the man said, \"life is hard. i should start taking lots of dr*gs. \" so sexy girls landed in medical offices, hot enough to make these pills erection ironically unnecessary. so today, girls are pharma's sexiest moment."}, {"x": "she touched my nose.", "y": "largue tiffany and join the barnacle in a buffet of girls pharma. there may be loss of clothing, knees b*rned, respiratory weakness and sore abs the next day. that the world give a damn five?!"}, {"x": "so far. hang in there. i will not be eternal.", "y": "yesterday i was with this girl so sexy that pharma should call a doctor if you have no erection for more than 4h. i have no reason people?"}, {"x": "let's go have a drink.", "y": "it's over."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "the girls of pharma are more than gunnery. this is the end of an era."}, {"x": "you're a little dramatic.", "y": "really? it starts with a gladys. and suddenly, a few gay guys not so fabulous fall into the ranks. and before you know it, the girls look like pharma team to a southwest flight to albuquerque in little rock. it's over!"}, {"x": "okay, big guy, tell me all along.", "y": "it all started a week ago."}, {"x": "nothing is sexier than a man wearing a nice tie.", "y": "aside from a woman who appreciates a nice tie."}, {"x": "but this is merely a tie.", "y": "it was not my best tie."}, {"x": "right.", "y": "so, right after that, i took her home."}, {"x": "when i'm in bed with a man, my body becomes a machine fueled by desire, greed and a hunger to satisfy every single... the carnal desires of my lover.", "y": "fortunately, the cleaning lady comes tomorrow."}, {"x": "good night.", "y": "what? wait, what? i thought your body would become a machine fueled by desire, greed and a hunger only to satisfy my every carnal desires."}, {"x": "yeah, barney sees girls, it could not be happier.", "y": "i could be more unfortunate. all night, she goes back on me. i brought her back home and she runs away? when i loose a daughter, i am polite to sleep with her before. it is good manners."}, {"x": "i'm in the inter-gender-ing, and i have some sex-seconds before the light turns green. and then, everyone honks, and it really sex, but i can not run because a jogger slips and falls in the sacraments of sex-horse.", "y": "continuous. continues."}, {"x": "it's the cashmere?", "y": "kashmir? this is the virgin merino hand-woven. the fibers of this costume are spaced less than 12 microns."}, {"x": "12 microns. i like the tight fibers.", "y": "well, you're lucky, because mine are the tightest. and touched, they are more gentle."}, {"x": "and here's the final test. next time, invite the following evening. the book says that it is forbidden, then surely it will give you a bogus excuse, like, \"i can not tomorrow night. i have already planned to clean my garage and i take a bubble bath.but why not next week? \"", "y": "you try this sh*t of course you're alone, look at you, poor trail."}, {"x": "it's not crap. sure you're alone, look at you, poor trail, is a brilliant book. and it scares the guys who only want the ass.", "y": "did you just say you got a kid!"}, {"x": "you'd be surprised how many assholes we cross. that is why my book says to never sleep at first date.", "y": "completely."}, {"x": "or the second. or the third.", "y": "of course. well..."}, {"x": "or the fourth.", "y": "just tell me how!"}, {"x": "17.", "y": "excuse me, someone is using this stool?"}, {"x": "if you're not going to take her 17th hot date, you should give up.", "y": "i will not give up, but yes. for, thanks to the book of ted..."}, {"x": "from robin is robin.", "y": "i can have two sh*ts ahead. there is a flaw in there and i will get it."}, {"x": "you have to do, okay? a great guy like don, it's rare.and speaking of rare, first one side, do not forget. thank you.", "y": "i can not believe. friends... this is it! she wrote the book! it must be named anita. my plan was to sleep with her but it changes everything. new plan i'll sleep with her."}, {"x": "i never thought that i would think, but... i thought about it.", "y": "this pilates teacher broke all scores. imagine robin, but younger. and bigger breasts. not bigger, but more shapely.and larger. i put on the stairmaster and..."}, {"x": "it does.", "y": "spoilers. regardless, we did."}, {"x": "i know, but the song is rather catchy.", "y": "sh*t. i read this entire book and i find no fault. what will i do?"}, {"x": "there is another option... but you're not ready.", "y": "tell me."}, {"x": "if you must conclude in one hot date, a date that must be crazy. i do not speak of a restaurant-cine. or mini golf. i speak of... 17 romantic rendezvous grouped into one incredible night. i mean... a super hot date.", "y": "a great date? it's not very catchy. and if i say a mega date?"}, {"x": "if you want my help, it's a super hot date.", "y": "okay."}, {"x": "let me do it. i will plan everything.", "y": "you're going to plan everything? this is cutesy and romantic?"}, {"x": "cutesy and romantic? no need to take him to paris or peru...", "y": "what are you doing?"}, {"x": "you just gotta make him understand...", "y": "they look at us."}, {"x": "how important it is for you...", "y": "really? you really gonna do that?"}, {"x": "in your super hot date, global problems will simply be put aside, for wonders and surprises that will be the stars. hurry, do not be late because together, you will find a country where paradise is rebukes. and then, boom! fireworks in the sky over manhattan! you kiss him. and your super hot date.", "y": "it looks to me like cutesy and romantic. box strip?"}, {"x": "i think it is the toilet.", "y": "why did you do that?"}, {"x": "because i am angry against you. and against me. ted and cons. and frankly, i still am against the empire.", "y": "why are you angry against me?"}, {"x": "you were a real assh*le to robin when she was in her period of mourning.", "y": "the period of mourning? she has not had a period of mourning."}, {"x": "barney, sit down, there are two three things to tell you.", "y": "what, she is upset?"}, {"x": "of course she is upset. look at you, poor trail.", "y": "you should have seen."}, {"x": "i'm going.", "y": "we go back home..."}, {"x": "and hast me you vomit in your stormtrooper helmet.", "y": "i did worse after the premiere of \"the phantom menace.\"it's been like that since we broke up?"}, {"x": "well, it was much better before you decide to go to your stupid super hot date with anita. and now she broods, god knows where.", "y": "i know where."}, {"x": "barney, what's up? i thought you had a super hot date.", "y": "i know you're upset."}, {"x": "what? no. i've never been happier. anita and this seems great. i'm so glad... by the merest chance, you found yourself. it warms my f*cking heart.", "y": "you sure you're not upset?"}, {"x": "of course i do. do not you see how to talk continually of your conquests makes me feel like another number for you?", "y": "you're not another number for me."}, {"x": "and now you to take anita you barely know, this extraordinary hot date, then you do not ever offered me that. it's just that... it sucks, that's all. it sucks.", "y": "i knew i was a bad boyfriend, but i had no idea that i was worse in the former boyfriend. i'm sorry. how can i be forgiven?"}, {"x": "nothing, barney. you've already proven i'm not important to you.", "y": "stop saying that, i'm serious. ask me what you want."}, {"x": "do not sleep with anita.", "y": "i promise."}, {"x": "of course you'll sleep with her. why is this super hot date if not?", "y": "it will not go super hot date. it is you who will go."}, {"x": "i violate any rules in my coming here, but... no one asks me rabbit like that, so we go out or not?", "y": "i'm sorry, i... i made a promise to a friend. i must say no."}, {"x": "i see. you try the trick of \"no.\" you really think it'll work?because it will not work. okay, i'll make a deal. maybe... you might get lucky after the 12th hot date.", "y": "no."}, {"x": "the 11th?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "the fifth?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "tonight?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "this evening before dinner?", "y": "no."}, {"x": "go.", "y": "i'm sorry. the answer is no."}, {"x": "well. because my answer is no, too. this is my last offer.", "y": "here is my story."}, {"x": "i want the perfect group sh*t. marshall put yourself between robin and barney.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "of course. you will not last! the photo is forever.", "y": "how dare you?"}, {"x": "it's so rude.", "y": "it's true."}, {"x": "i would say amanda.", "y": "no, it was me. and i meant it."}, {"x": "or we could continue the descent on the avenue best birthday.", "y": "i can vote? street bitch! street bitch!"}, {"x": "almost. this is leilani. she had to come at christmas because, you said, \"folks, this may be good.\" and this is not the only \"maybe good\". eve 2007, barney, lily, robin, ted, marshall and \"it's good\" emily. the funeral of uncle cecil robin, marshall, lily, robin, barney, ted and... \"it proves that you selected the eyes closed\" isabelle. my appendicitis, robin, marshall, barney, lily, ted, and it... you've admitted, you just wanted to make. compliance.", "y": "you remember the yoga teacher that got you into my birthday?"}, {"x": "group photo!", "y": "and we have had. we had a group photo with slash on my birthday. great, huh? eh?"}, {"x": "it was there, we know the end.", "y": "false!"}, {"x": "oh? so do i.", "y": "and me too. he has how many hands?"}, {"x": "wait. look at these pictures. barney always has the same pose and all these years.", "y": "yes, at this point, i have never an old head on the photos. neither ever or always."}, {"x": "it's gotta be a lousy picture of you.", "y": "nope, not at all."}, {"x": "and in elementary school? we all have school pictures ugly.", "y": "not the barnacle. i always look awesome mortally. not like marshall, who seems to be ingeniously death."}, {"x": "they are not all bad. like... this. look. i have my eyes open.", "y": "you really put a knot!"}, {"x": "a crisp, barney?", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "i! a photo ugly.", "y": "you sure?"}, {"x": "no! wait! you ate a potato chips! where's the chips?", "y": "it's physically impossible for me to take a picture ugly. i know why. ask god."}, {"x": "it's terrible. my laptop is just... fell. you me collected mouse, m*therf*cker! i!", "y": "you sure?"}, {"x": "wait. how you do that?! you were not even standing!", "y": "the camera loves me. much more than that. the device i want. the unit wants to put on underwear, put an al green cd, dim the lights and do all the work while i was still lying with closed eyes."}, {"x": "sorry that my search for love has you so upset. you know, your precious photos might be better if i was not over.", "y": "they would be if marshall was not on it."}, {"x": "i think lori's age made him very wise.", "y": "it is said that it was after 40 years we know each other really."}, {"x": "it's a hole in your jacket?", "y": "what? where?"}, {"x": "come on, everybody. come here. let's make a memory.", "y": "is there anything in the sauce that you've made? it tastes like... coriander. and... you know that cilantro makes me..."}, {"x": "really? what is the best place that you hast visited?", "y": "hawaii is fun. a buddy of mine lives in seattle. it's really not bad. but the best place? i must say, the moon."}, {"x": "you're not convinced a girl that you were the first to walk on the moon? it was seven years before you were born.", "y": "ted, a blonde, it's easy."}, {"x": "but i worked at a yogurt shop in high school. and indeed, it was... insane.", "y": "so, after 20 minutes, the eagle has landed. we fuse into space. houston, we have a complainer. other double entender related to space."}, {"x": "why are you lying all the time?", "y": "i do not lie! we made love, i have pictures!"}, {"x": "our coupons are your effigy.", "y": "i'm not saying he loves pizza, but the last time he went, the doctor said, \"stop eating pizza. \"marshall\" why? \"doc\" to you examine. \" but seriously, we laugh because we love you."}, {"x": "did you get mugged?", "y": "who? he wore a black hat and beard of the day? he said \"hands up! \"?"}, {"x": "it was downright terrifying.", "y": "it was downright terrifying."}, {"x": "what are you doing?", "y": "i repeat. i will say that it happened to me to lie on compassion."}, {"x": "okay, you know what? we'll all calm down. we do not need a g*n. i just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life.", "y": "i just want to forget what happened and continue to live my life. it's great. but i think i'll add a tear."}, {"x": "listen baby, i know it's scary, but look at me. i'm fine.you can put this behind us?", "y": "it's gold! but i'd rather say 'put me behind you. \""}, {"x": "i know. i know. listen, i must confess something. this att*ck did not go exactly as i said.", "y": "so it was indeed a black bonnet. j'l'avais said!"}, {"x": "he assaulted you naked?", "y": "i do not ask where he kept his w*apon."}, {"x": "it's good. it's good.", "y": "you're telling us..."}, {"x": "for a monkey. i got mugged by a monkey.", "y": "you've been mugged by a monkey?"}, {"x": "this monkey has our address. and if it belonged to a g*ng?i hope he will climb to see us.", "y": "why did not you asked the guard to recover your wallet?"}, {"x": "hi, friends. what's new?", "y": "new information has been discovered on the att*ck on marshall."}, {"x": "okay. that's what happened.", "y": "no, i said. this is my story. you see, the young marshall was at the zoo, eating a banana..."}, {"x": "i ate no banana! if you tell it, do it well.", "y": "you're right. the banana was on the floor."}, {"x": "was not... was not banana banana.", "y": "marshall, i'm sorry, really. here's what happened."}, {"x": "you've been mugged by a monkey.", "y": "i've just been mugged."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "that's what i said to the girl at the bar just now..."}, {"x": "neil? neil!", "y": "well, my name is not neil. this is bar..."}, {"x": "you've just mugged?", "y": "well, i can do. you see, i was on the road to the launch pad when i got mugged. and the aggressor... took my keys from the shuttle. successful. who wants to do something to 3?"}, {"x": "me too.", "y": "and it was the best thing in my life 3."}, {"x": "you're the lemon in your hair.", "y": "the story is better with my end... it's... okay? so we were there, zero gravity. they wore helmets that astronauts..."}, {"x": "not at all.", "y": "so what you're saying is that you got the monkey trapped so you give him your wallet?"}, {"x": "guys, there was no monkey! he was a man with a g*n.", "y": "you sure it was not a monkey on the shoulders of another monkey, wearing a trench coat?"}, {"x": "i just invented this story that lily does not buy a w*apon. in truth, it never happened.", "y": "i can not believe."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "you heard me. you got att*cked by a monkey. you want to go to the issuance of robin because you're afraid of being ridiculous."}, {"x": "i would not?", "y": "if serious, this is too funny."}, {"x": "well, this has never happened. and i can lie to you because you are my best friends.", "y": "i, yes, but still."}, {"x": "but i can not lie on national tv.", "y": "you know a long time. he told the truth?"}, {"x": "i could not say. it smells good. but i could not say.", "y": "i still say that it happened."}, {"x": "maybe. but, marshall, if you have not been att*cked by a monkey, robin must not speak on his show. it would be more credible.", "y": "journalists lie constantly. sorry, but i believe that jack palance is dead when i see the body."}, {"x": "it will perhaps shock you barney, but people do not like lying to them.", "y": "false! they like to discover that they lied. \"because a lie is just a great story that has mixed with the truth.\" barney stinson. example, that sarah gave me this!"}, {"x": "you mean what you done to him.", "y": "no, i mean what she did. in truth, i fear that history has not gone exactly as i said."}, {"x": "yes, neil?", "y": "it's you lisa? sarah, wait. listen. i'm neil armstrong.sorry i lied."}, {"x": "well, i think i have not been completely honest with you either. i said i was 28, but in truth, i'm 31.", "y": "31 years! i was happy, very happy, thinking that because i put a 28 year old daughter who has taken too much sun. people want to lie. marshall, they need the lie, that's why, in my case, you've been mugged by a monkey. as far as i'm done with this plan 3. i am the best in the world!"}, {"x": "this is the belt of planar 3?", "y": "you know it."}, {"x": "you got me. i was just nervous. i got mugged by a monkey.", "y": "yeah! i knew it."}, {"x": "now i think you're not really mugged by a monkey.", "y": "come on, ted. why he would invent something like that?"}, {"x": "it's you who will be covered by the sheet if you leave your model not stupid.", "y": "dude, what do you do?"}, {"x": "i do not think marshall will lie on tv. and when it gives up, i wanna be there for robin, with a story. or rather, 102 stories, because it is the height of a building in new york.", "y": "now i want a w*apon."}, {"x": "no! i have not been mugged!", "y": "you know if it was att*cked?"}, {"x": "micro and makeup in place. the socks of the arch duchess.", "y": "it was not very satisfactory. when i tell that he was att*cked by a monkey. and i keep the stuff of banana. it was good."}, {"x": "barney, stop lying. you can not put another end because the conclusion does not satisfy you.", "y": "really? well, believe me, mosby. one day you shall tell this story and you'll see things my way."}, {"x": "... never...", "y": "... seen."}, {"x": "and mahatma gandhi. and pancakes. well all together! and the dragon. and you.", "y": "guys, guys! guess what robin has done."}, {"x": "i know it's stupid, but... and the dragon. they are happy, you know?", "y": "not as much as me, robin. guys, guys! guess what robin has done."}, {"x": "you marry when?", "y": "robin whining during the song clint. oh, i've already said. the super good sister of ted, heather!"}, {"x": "i know. his mother called such five times to ask where he was.", "y": "sorry robin. they are all out of pretzels. and i know how you're emotional. shh. leave it alone."}, {"x": "okay! okay, i... i cried during the song clint.", "y": "she cried to the song of clint."}, {"x": "i mean, i put an online auction and i won the next day and i was accepted. i have just finalized all the paperwork.", "y": "and that was fine with blair witch, and she tried to haggle on closing costs?"}, {"x": "i'm an architect. i would find a way. and if i start now, this is over so that my wife and i can move.", "y": "is it in the room with us right now, ted?"}, {"x": "yeah, i agree. this is perhaps the dumbest thing you've ever done.", "y": "the dumbest thing that on've ever done."}, {"x": "my god, you had to be completely stuffed.", "y": "no, it's too dumb to whether adult. it should be child when it happened."}, {"x": "children? why...", "y": "put rockets in..."}, {"x": "bourre.", "y": "gamin."}, {"x": "drum roll, please. i was... drunk!", "y": "you know, i'm glad robin have guessed. because it is really sensitive and fragile. i talk about the times she cried during the song clint. and while i whisper, i hope she hears me."}, {"x": "are you crying?", "y": "i know it's silly, but... and the dragon. they are happy, you know?"}, {"x": "not as much as me.", "y": "i shall spin you 500 dollars if it happened to you instead of me."}, {"x": "$ 500? no worries.", "y": "thank you, robin. you saved me an explanation and an excruciating public humiliation. guys! guys! guess what robin has done."}, {"x": "oh, hey! the doorbell does not work.", "y": "wait, wait. you will inspect the place where now?"}, {"x": "but marshall took the risk, and that's the best thing that ever happened to you both.", "y": "it was robin! \"what! \"yes, it was robin who cried at the song clint! but she said... i know what she said. but that's not what she wanted you to know."}, {"x": "look, barney, i support most all these jokes about me crying. and if i claim to prove it was you who was crying, that you would not be a problem?", "y": "of course."}, {"x": "you're always a little too far.", "y": "sh*t."}, {"x": "ok, yes. there are problems. but i see this house as i know it can be. i see a swing on the tree outside. i see a crown on the front door at christmas. i see a barbecue outside on the patio or i would make barbec every weekend. i see a life i know i can be here.", "y": "i see a complaint."}, {"x": "you were right. it was a huge mistake. it's just that... the world is changing, but me... you have a flat 'for years. it's getting serious between robin and don. barney, perhaps this is a new tie?", "y": "thank you. my god."}, {"x": "now my mother remarried. i... i'm exactly the same spot 5 years ago. i'm tired. i'm... i'm ready for life that goes with this house.", "y": "ok, buddy. sometimes people make bad decisions in life. like your mother."}, {"x": "what do you mean?", "y": "ted, as you know, i've always been really, really addicted to your mother."}, {"x": "please, stop.", "y": "actually, virginia and i spent a special time in 2006.before clint."}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "i wanted to be your father!"}, {"x": "what does that mean?", "y": "do not answer me, young man. that's why i cried at the song of clint. because that bastard stole your mother. and now all that remains for me... is the memory of the drop at the airport."}, {"x": "here we go.", "y": "it is a good time. not much traffic..."}, {"x": "oh, i love this song.", "y": "is it true? hmm. i can... listen... ted's mother. i... i should really..."}, {"x": "again?! one too many!", "y": "okay, that's good. well, i invented the last, but everything else, i swear it was true. come on, man. your mother is a cougar."}, {"x": "wait, i thought you said that a cougar could not be more than 50 years.", "y": "okay, this is a mellencamp."}, {"x": "it's silly.", "y": "your mother and i were at second base."}, {"x": "i thought about it.", "y": "you think about it? you hardly know him. in addition, the guy is a draw with a job that is worthless."}, {"x": "we have the same job, barney.", "y": "and we could not be more proud of you, my angel."}, {"x": "why not let the solid brick to remind us not to buy?", "y": "all right. as a former... before you embark on anything, i'm meeting this guy. i think it's pretty weird not having yet met."}, {"x": "bluntly. it's as if someone was orchestrating things for this specific purpose. okay, but you must promise to behave well.", "y": "i promise."}, {"x": "i think it's great. but i pity any woman with self-esteem so low it would go out with him.", "y": "i appreciate you, don. both, we love a good scotch, one likes my stories compelling. and we went out with robin."}, {"x": "the'm not, it's as if we had never been together.", "y": "in short, the arms of the erasmus student have dropped and there fell of my swing. seriously, i have not found a girl who can do that from robin."}, {"x": "i came to apologize to you. i exaggerated.", "y": "well, there you should also apologize. we said some pretty hurtful."}, {"x": "not at all.", "y": "that was after you to be part."}, {"x": "it's great.", "y": "i can not wait, buddy."}, {"x": "you're welcome.", "y": "i have to get robin."}, {"x": "are you kidding?", "y": "i do not know what it is, but i want to get robin."}, {"x": "i know what it is. you're like... a kid who threw his toys and wants them back as soon as another plays with.", "y": "i had perhaps not done playing with. i just left to play with something else for a while."}, {"x": "you ready.", "y": "ready for what?"}, {"x": "to read the letter.", "y": "hanging out with robin was a huge mistake."}, {"x": "write it.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "write yourself a letter. that way you will remember the reasons for the break when you miss.", "y": "my pleasure. dear barney... the future... this ink is too cool."}, {"x": "right?", "y": "you... and robin..."}, {"x": "get it?", "y": "i understand. i really want it back."}, {"x": "don made sushi, it's cool, huh? he learned in japan.", "y": "it's too easy."}, {"x": "be nice. you want it just because you can not have it. like saying \"sit wherever you want, except on that chair.\" you will be so...", "y": "my chair!"}, {"x": "i do too. it is more spicy, the better.", "y": "me too, man. more than you, certainly. instance. super spicy. i feel bad."}, {"x": "it yes, with his personal trainer.", "y": "this pepper is an ice cube in my mouth."}, {"x": "if you moved in.", "y": "don tokyo... you ever do that... in japan? wasabi!"}, {"x": "well, i hope you're happy.", "y": "i stay on my position. it was bold and romantic."}, {"x": "you were emptied from the top and bottom.", "y": "come on. did you do stupid stuff to impress robin."}, {"x": "yes, but not anymore, because i turned the page. just like you.", "y": "you have not turned the page. you want it as much as me, but you not admit it."}, {"x": "that's ridiculous and i'll tell you why.", "y": "for my biographer?"}, {"x": "i stole a blue french horn for her... i was with her for a year.i wanted her to be the mother of my children and spend eternity in his arms.", "y": "... i want to sleep with her, at least one last time. she is mine!"}, {"x": "it's not for you! and it's not mine, either. it is... to don.", "y": "okay. we must get rid of him. you know, metaphorically."}, {"x": "of course.", "y": "or... literally. that's how it starts! i'm afraid, teddy!"}, {"x": "come here.", "y": "robin stinson!"}, {"x": "robin mosby!", "y": "robin stinson!"}, {"x": "ted scherbatsky. i would take his name. i do not care.", "y": "okay, wait. what do you say to that? it is being shared?i take up to 40 years and after you can have it."}, {"x": "who we laugh? it is with don. we must accept it and move on.", "y": "you're right. i go to you... i go to the bathroom. and then i'll break..."}, {"x": "no. ted, not quit. i'll remember. ted is on the other line... and i think he has a problem.", "y": "ted calls you? indeed, he has a problem."}, {"x": "we almost lose control.", "y": "it's true. i'm going to leave before something regrettable."}, {"x": "species of bastard! i brought the blue french horn!", "y": "i brought the blue french horn! ted has just given me.sorry, i was there before you."}, {"x": "come on, get.", "y": "all right! here we go! you, me and ted!"}, {"x": "you abandoned easily. game, set and match!", "y": "we won the fingers in the nose..."}, {"x": "you're welcome. good night, guys.", "y": "good night, dad."}, {"x": "the teddy bear, barnexclussif.", "y": "dad?"}, {"x": "we get up, f*ckers. you remember last night?", "y": "damn, ted was torn. embarrassing..."}, {"x": "don will not be part of the group. neither do i. at least for a while. guys... with don, it works well. i want to see where it goes. and i could not do it if i continue to hang out with my ex. it will not. i moved in with don.", "y": "so what's going on with robin?"}, {"x": "you were right, she was just angry. it's been four days and not talk to relocate. we must never repeat this kind of sh*t.", "y": "i agree. in fact... i even wrote another letter. dear barney the future, you think you want to get robin, thou wilt not true. let her. sincerely, barney's past."}, {"x": "let me see!", "y": "give me that."}, {"x": "ps... the top was for ted. he believed? fine. pull yourself together with robin, but say nothing to ted because he will still go wrong. and there are still drawings of breasts.", "y": "in my defense, the breasts, is not it great?"}, {"x": "wait, wait. i will find. left.", "y": "not a good game but okay. five tickets well placed to robots vs. wrestlers."}, {"x": "great!", "y": "you know robots vs. wrestlers?"}, {"x": "but we think some kind of sport in which robots wrestlers.", "y": "that's exactly it, according to the website!"}, {"x": "wait, wait. who is the fifth ticket?", "y": "uh... robin. i know... she lives with her boyfriend and she said not wanting to hang out with us, but it's robots vs. wrestlers. robots vs.... wrestlers!"}, {"x": "you too. i gotta go. it is called? sorry, new york, i had to answer. where were we? bus accident.", "y": "she said no? how could she? robots vs. wrestlers of our tradition is the largest group."}, {"x": "tradition? it was never done.", "y": "it's robots vs. wrestlers, lily. this is obviously a tradition. it starts like this. first, robin moves in with don and marshall and lily have a baby, then ted..."}, {"x": "goes?", "y": "i was going to say \"was found eaten by her cats,\" but it's not good either. everybody leaves me, and i like it!"}, {"x": "i understand how you feel. it is important friendship. in this regard, emerson wrote a great poem, titled friendship. you'll love it. \"a drop of crimson blood carries more weight than the waves of the sea...\"", "y": "you're right. i exaggerate with this story of robin. what is an announcement? wife robin don. i'll die alone! ted eventually eaten by her cats!"}, {"x": "relax... it's for marissa heller.", "y": "marissa heller? she looks good. face, breasts, describe. begins with the breasts."}, {"x": "it's about an open bar.", "y": "we change the plan for saturday. evening marissa heller for alcohol and robots vs. wrestlers. but one of us should pretend to marissa heller."}, {"x": "i just got a text from robin. it says...", "y": "guys, we get together. lil, you can do... all you have to watch the guy in front, say your name is marissa heller, and it passes. and i repeat, to be sure, no accent."}, {"x": "what do we do?", "y": "i do we go to the party, that's what! we met at the meeting of ornithophilic."}, {"x": "i do not believe.", "y": "lovers of wicker?"}, {"x": "so, this way. we are together.", "y": "i said i'd get us."}, {"x": "i'm not dressed for it.", "y": "in a coined word \"assh*le-apocalypse.\""}, {"x": "he will watch it.", "y": "this morning i made the heart of the ambassador of the netherlands. i hope he gets better."}, {"x": "films... right? actors. willem dafoe. fun fact of willem dafoe, his name sounds a bit like a frog, a parrot that talks. willem dafoe...! willem dafoe...!", "y": "as undersecretary of finance, i had a great influence on this legislation. now, i wonder if you will accompany me in the map room to stimulate my package."}, {"x": "i do not think, my dear. you're too old for me.", "y": "zsa zsa gabor is still sexy, but other than that, it is rotten this holiday."}, {"x": "look, i'm having fun here, so i'll pass robots vs. wrestlers.", "y": "but you never missed robots vs. wrestlers. it happens that way. first robin us loose, and now you? and for those pretentious snobs and old game?"}, {"x": "actually, i like those pretentious snobs and they are not old fashioned fart noise when i open my mouth. i remain. see you tomorrow.", "y": "it's an evening."}, {"x": "it means nothing.", "y": "it means everything. if you come not to robots vs. wrestlers, it's the end of our friendship."}, {"x": "see you tomorrow.", "y": "all right. so you do most of our group, forever. you can ask to return in 2 years. come see wrestlers fight like robots. i'm embarrassed. i forgot something."}, {"x": "the best tradition of all time!", "y": "you crazy not me, marshall. let's be honest. the group is finite. ted is gone, like robin. that separates us as well."}, {"x": "boy, barney, stop with your abandonment issues. ted has the right to have a life outside the group. as we all.", "y": "wait. why do you say that all of a sudden? my god, you're pregnant!"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "my god, have you ever had the baby! it is just behind me, huh?"}, {"x": "that's all you got, fagot?", "y": "you can at least promise to not get pregnant within a year?"}, {"x": "i can not.", "y": "you can not?"}, {"x": "okay, again! bravo, my boy!", "y": "no! you can not have children! you want to raise a child in this crazy world."}, {"x": "the world is pretty cool right now.", "y": "okay, lily, i have no choice. if you have a daughter, day, no, the minute she is 18... gong!"}, {"x": "babies.", "y": "i hope ted is unhappy."}, {"x": "thank you, will shortz.", "y": "okay, you can have a baby, but only under the following conditions 1-you promise to always love me more than the baby, 2-once a month, i can use to shake the baby, 3 - it may include a drop baby from the first floor and that saves me; 4-no breastfeeding in front of me. forget the five-four, get out your breasts when you want."}, {"x": "i gotta run.", "y": "rule number 83. if something out of the baby ends up on my costume, i can touch the breasts of lily."}, {"x": "dude, what's your thing with the breasts of my woman tonight?", "y": "it is not i who make the rules."}, {"x": "deal.", "y": "look who thinks he can come here and repeat the group. well, you can forget. pity, remake the group! i want to lose anyone yet! we're sorry. you can recite all the poems of assh*le that you want, we never say anything bad on it, i promise."}, {"x": "barney, i really... i have to grade these papers.", "y": "i'm sorry. i'll let you work. but first, a riddle what piece of women's attire most stokes a man's desire?"}, {"x": "a sun dress.", "y": "correct. what lightweight outfit, pink or white, makes the front of my slacks abnormally tight?"}, {"x": "i really have to get this done.", "y": "of course, of course."}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "\"sun dress,\" by the way. hey! what are you nervous about? tell me. tell me. tell me. what flowing cotton frock..."}, {"x": "okay, i'll tell you. just... there's a... there's a girl sitting at the bar. don't look!", "y": "i want to see a pretty girl."}, {"x": "okay, you can look. just-just-just be cool for once.", "y": "i'll be cool. ah, ted. you got your beer label in a bunch over nothing. listen to your uncle barney. you have no reason to be nervous. none whatsoever. and i'm going to tell you why in one word."}, {"x": "and what's that word?", "y": "dibs!"}, {"x": "what... you can't call dibs on a girl i've been sitting here thinking about maybe talking to eventually at some point.", "y": "you never called dibs."}, {"x": "dibs were implied.", "y": "implied dibs?"}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "ted, you are spitting on the grave of sir walter dibs, inventor of the dib. it was 1652... the ss dibs was lost at sea..."}, {"x": "look, i don't have time for a fake history lesson, so i'll keep this simple. you go over there and talk to that girl, i will see you in court.", "y": "and who's gonna represent you? dibs on marshall as my lawyer!"}, {"x": "damn it!", "y": "where is marshall anyway?"}, {"x": "you know what? to hell with your dibs. i'm going over there right now and talking to her.", "y": "oh, yeah, yeah? be my guest. fall in love with her. get married. just know this when i step up to make my toast as your best man..."}, {"x": "actually, marshall would probably be...", "y": "as your best man..."}, {"x": "no!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you know, you've humiliated me! i had no idea. you have to know that.", "y": "shhh, shh. you're the victim here. we both are. let's get out of here."}, {"x": "or, you know, we could just do it right here.", "y": "we could just do it right here."}, {"x": "fine. have at it. exercise your dibs. she's got her shields up anyway. she's reading a book.", "y": "yeah. at a bar. that book might as well be called, \"are you there, barney? it's me, horny.\" that is not what \"shields up\" looks like. that is what \"shields up\" looks like."}, {"x": "move. god! hey. 'sup, dudes? fries?", "y": "oh, good god, woman. you're a disgrace."}, {"x": "no fries for this guy.", "y": "robin, seriously, i love you, but it's like you have squiggly cartoon odor lines coming off of you right now."}, {"x": "you know what, barney? just cut her some slack, okay? she just went through a breakup.", "y": "with hygiene?"}, {"x": "no, we ran out of cheetos last week. oh, yeah, it's a cheeto. dibs.", "y": "oh, you're exquisite. you must let me paint you."}, {"x": "mmm, totes, toots. she's here on a date. she brought the book because she got here early, and she also wants to impress the guy she's meeting. girls like to come across all classy and smart, you know?", "y": "this? what you're doing right now? i'm getting a \"de-rection.\""}, {"x": "okay, barney. what's this going to cost me?", "y": "excuse me?"}, {"x": "your dibs. i want to buy your dibs.", "y": "two... hundred... and fifty thousand dollars."}, {"x": "20 bucks.", "y": "but i... can i go smell her first?"}, {"x": "no.", "y": "fine."}, {"x": "good.", "y": "what the hell are you doing?"}, {"x": "that girl she's talking to? i dated her.", "y": "oh, that sucks! and dibs."}, {"x": "well, that guy is cheesy, and if you think he's not cheesy, then you're cheesy, too, and now i want something cheesy. who's feeling nachos?", "y": "oh, look at you, robin. you're jealous."}, {"x": "jealous?", "y": "yeah, jealous, because she's got it, and you've lost it."}, {"x": "i have not lost it.", "y": "you lost it."}, {"x": "i still have it. i know exactly where it is, and i can go get it whenever i want.", "y": "robin, girls are like cartons of milk. each one has a hotness expiration date, and you've hit yours. i'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway but it's all downhill from here."}, {"x": "hi, ted!", "y": "yeah, she definitely saw you."}, {"x": "yeah. yeah, sure. i mean, how could that not be fun? if i don't come back, tell my mom i love her.", "y": "okay, will do. and dibs."}, {"x": "barney, am i crazy? marshall talks to his dad way too much, right?", "y": "oh, you don't want my opinion on that."}, {"x": "why not?", "y": "if i had my dad's number, i would never not be on the phone with him."}, {"x": "that was really...", "y": "whoa, a hottie with a body! boing...!"}, {"x": "brief.", "y": "no. lily, look. you saucy little minx. you sundressed up."}, {"x": "14 seconds! 14 seconds, and already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off. i... still... got... it. all right, buddy, you proved my point. now scram. nice belt, by the way.", "y": "robin, you do look super hot."}, {"x": "oh, do i?", "y": "yeah, you do."}, {"x": "her words exactly.", "y": "dude, you are so in. that is so awesome. a high five doesn't even cut it. high six!"}, {"x": "she didn't see us high-six, did she?", "y": "no. good. that was pretty lame."}, {"x": "what's wrong?", "y": "i don't want to talk about it."}, {"x": "did i ever! deadliest catch ever!", "y": "all right, i'll tell you! my mother is selling the house i grew up in. all of my childhood memories gone, just like that!"}, {"x": "with her new hippie husband, clint. the comfort of home is a little ruined when someone turns your old room into what i'm pretty sure is a tantric sex temple. with all the bamboo, pot smoke and '60s music, it's like my old g.i. joes are frozen in some weird vietnam flashback.", "y": "anyway, i need you guys to come out to staten island on saturday and help box everything up."}, {"x": "you expect us to spend a whole day packing up your mom's house?", "y": "of course not. it's a two-day job."}, {"x": "unsubscribe.", "y": "you guys are adorable. you seriously believe that i, barney stinson, can't talk you into this? i got the queen to give me a fist bump."}, {"x": "you may be able to talk the brain surgeons you pick up into doing whatever you want, but it's not gonna work on us.", "y": "whoa, ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box."}, {"x": "yeah, that's what your mom said.", "y": "how dare you!"}, {"x": "james!", "y": "bro!"}, {"x": "look at my two sons. so big and strong and handsome.", "y": "mom. stop."}, {"x": "check it. huh? how cute is that, right? when was the last time you saw a diaper poking out of a dolce and gabana suit?", "y": "tuesday at work. some of the senior partners are really getting up there."}, {"x": "oh, it gives us a rare insight into the makings of barney stinson. like, look at this. who was a cute little basketball player before he became the biggest pervert in the world?", "y": "i loved pee wee basketball. well, until they kicked me off the team... i was so awesome, the coach asked me to quit because it wasn't fair to the other kids."}, {"x": "that sounds plausible.", "y": "hey. it's true. tell him, james."}, {"x": "oh, yeah, he had, like, a four-foot vertical leap. he would hit it from the outside, hit it from the inside... he sucked. coach cut him from the team, and mom fed him that story so he'd feel better.", "y": "oh, my god! look at this. my letter from the postmaster general. i still can't believe he took the time to write this..."}, {"x": "constantly. i mean, she put more effort into some lies than others.", "y": "mom? who's my dad? all the other kids at school know who their dad is. who's mine?"}, {"x": "no. no, no. i heard flip wilson, bill cosby, james earl jones, meadowlark lemon... the list goes on. i still can't get a straight answer about who my real dad is. and barney's no help. he still believes every lie that my mom told us growing up. not me. i caught on early.", "y": "careful! michael jackson sent me this glove for my tenth..."}, {"x": "i'm not lying to our kids.", "y": "ah... valentines. the second base of third grade. i always got a valentine from every single girl in my class."}, {"x": "funny how all these girls have the exact same handwriting as the postmaster general, mom, and... home run king, frank aaron.", "y": "yeah, school girls... the more they ignore you, pretend to hate your guts, lock you in the coatroom over winter break, the more they secretly like you. this isn't... who's sam gibbs?"}, {"x": "no idea. why?", "y": "mom addressed this and never sent it."}, {"x": "what's in it?", "y": "hey. it's a picture of you and me when we were little kids. on the back, mom wrote... \"your son.\""}, {"x": "can you believe her?", "y": "i know. forgetting to send the photo. that poor sculptor had to work from memory. those statues probably look nothing like us. damn it, mom!"}, {"x": "listen to me. there is no yourson, north dakota. mom... and sam gibbs wasn't the mayor. he might be one of our fathers.", "y": "well, he's not my dad. my dad's bob barker."}, {"x": "this address isn't too far. are you coming with me, or not?", "y": "so we're doing this? we're really going to go disturb the peaceful long island retirement of the former mayor of yourson, north dakota on a sunday afternoon? real classy, james. real classy."}, {"x": "no, they won't. they're going to think... wait. \"everyone\"?", "y": "\"really rich\"?"}, {"x": "you ready for this?", "y": "for what? i don't know who lives here, but it's not my dad. wait. wait. please, stop. just... just give me a second, okay?"}, {"x": "i thought you said that he... stop.", "y": "come on. i know bob barker's not really... you know. i'm not crazy. i just... i needed that. i know it may sound stupid, but i didn't always feel so great about myself growing up, and so having a celebrity dad made me feel special. but you're right, james. it's time to let go of the fantasies. it's time to grow up."}, {"x": "yeah, but you know what? he took a big step today...", "y": "papa! look at us!nit's like three of the same guy. oh, my god, this explains why i was always so awesome at basketball. guys, i'm black! sorry. african-american. no. i'm allowed to say either. i got to go get my camera!"}, {"x": "guys, barney's losing his childhood home, he finally admitted bob barker's not his dad, and then he watched james meet his real father. it's just a lot to go through in one afternoon. can't we just let the guy be black for a day?", "y": "here, ted. capture the moment!"}, {"x": "i think you'd need salvador dali to capture this particular moment, but i'll give it a whirl.", "y": "man... i thought i was a light-skinned caucasian, but in truth, i'm a really light-skinned african-american. man, try to hail a cab in manhattan. am i right? nope, no one's stopping for this. these guys don't understand what i'm talking about."}, {"x": "she does. it's robert de niro, but, like, super buff, like in cape fear.", "y": "dad, look how fast i can run!"}, {"x": "he's beautiful.", "y": "dad, you're not looking!"}, {"x": "barney? i need to talk to you.", "y": "me first. mom, there's something that i need to ask you, and i... i want you to be honest with me. why do white people like carrot top?"}, {"x": "listen... i always wanted to be enough for you boys. i think that's why it always hurt whenever you asked about your dads, because i was always trying so hard to be both parents for you. but i was being selfish. you deserve the truth. so here it is. sam is not your father.", "y": "are you sure?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry, but your son can't be on the team. he's terrible.", "y": "what'd coach say, ma?"}, {"x": "he said you're simply too good to be on the team. it's not fair to the other boys. but that's okay. we can just play together in the backyard.", "y": "why didn't anyone come?"}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "it's okay, mom. i don't need it."}, {"x": "but it's your father.", "y": "i already have a father. and his name... is loretta."}, {"x": "bro, i told you, if you ever need a wingman, i'm your guy.", "y": "yeah, i'm not going to go through that again."}, {"x": "and i'm marshall, barney's wingman.", "y": "thank you for your time."}, {"x": "back already. how was flying solo? and by \"solo,\" i mean so low that you got sh*t down.", "y": "look, i didn't get sh*t down. trust me, i'll get the yes. barney stinson always gets the yes. this is all part of the plan. after initial contact, i'm now in the ignoring phase."}, {"x": "barney, why can't you just take a girl out to dinner like a normal person?", "y": "golden rule i do not buy dinner to get the yes. dinner's a very intimate activity. it requires a level of connection and eye contact that sex just doesn't. call me old-fashioned, but i need to have sex with a girl at least three times before i'll even consider having dinner with her."}, {"x": "what are you doing here? oh, god! you're dating one of my students. it's rachel, isn't it? barney, i know she wears provocative sweaters, but she's 19! now i'm gonna have to hear all about it, right? go on, tell me every detail.", "y": "no, you pent-up old perv. i brought you a present. recognize this?"}, {"x": "it's my building.", "y": "do you remember how awesome it was to be co-workers... nay, bro-workers?"}, {"x": "wait a minute. y-you don't mean...", "y": "ted mosby, it's back on. we're gonna build your building."}, {"x": "i can't take the job, barney. i'm done with that life. no hard feelings?", "y": "of course not."}, {"x": "i'm telling you, no architect would ever design a giant exposed vent right over a death star's core reactor. that's space architecture 101. it had to be the contractor. barney, back me up. barney. dude, this is important.", "y": "i need another drink."}, {"x": "so, you still think ted's gonna take the job?", "y": "please. i'll get the yes. barney stinson always gets the yes."}, {"x": "okay, well, think about it. we've seen his moves countless times. what does he do after he's done ignoring a girl?", "y": "chrissy, i love your glasses."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "they totally pull focus up from that whole chin situation you got going on. to chrissy."}, {"x": "but barney hasn't done...", "y": "ted, i admire your loyalty. you've had that hairstyle forever. you don't care that it's out of fashion or that it's been co-opted by the lesbian community. you stick with it. to ted."}, {"x": "you know why jalapeno poppers are so good? it's the cream cheese.", "y": "that is so true."}, {"x": "barney, i gotta tell you something.", "y": "oh, that reminds me. i got you a little airplane. it represents the spirit of adventure. do you like it, ted? do you?"}, {"x": "stop it. stop looking at me like i'm the only person in the world who matters. i'm not designing the gnb tower.", "y": "yeah, i know. you turned it down. we hired someone else."}, {"x": "okay, i'll do it!", "y": "what? ted, it's too late."}, {"x": "i'll design it for half of what you're paying the other architect. and you know i will do stuff they would never do. lobby stuff.", "y": "wow, half? ted, on behalf of goliath national bank..."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "dude!"}, {"x": "you guys lied to me?", "y": "you're the world's worst wingman. you know what? i'm out of here."}, {"x": "look, i can't do business with people who lie to me.", "y": "we only lied to you to make you realize that you want this job."}, {"x": "no, i don't. i mean, i know i said i did, but that's only because i fell for the same creepy, pickup artist voodoo of yours that countless women...", "y": "236."}, {"x": "no... ted... you want to do this, okay? you're just scared of getting hurt again. but you can't let fear steal your funk. that is good. there is a song in there. excuse me.", "y": "come on, ted! this is your dream."}, {"x": "why aren't you in class?", "y": "yeah, ted. why aren't you in class? you son of a bitch. i'll call marshall. we'll draw up the contract."}, {"x": "face. huh. that's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.", "y": "no, ted, i'm really looking at her face."}, {"x": "aw... that's actually really sweet.", "y": "puffy cheeks, smudged mascara, slightly red nose... that girl was just crying. she's so sad and defenseless. anyone have a condom?"}, {"x": "those rules are all stupid, okay? i've never done any of those things.", "y": "okay, time's up. what are we talking about?"}, {"x": "woody allen is eating at gregor's, and robin thinks that we should go see him.", "y": "why would i do that? i'll see him at poker on tuesday."}, {"x": "well, the bus runs more often on weekends. take the m-7 to the m-5.", "y": "the bus? every time i take the bus, there is one crazy person no one wants to sit near. that's why i have never taken the bus. plus... i can run faster than a bus."}, {"x": "machines are overrated, and someone needs to take them down a peg.", "y": "you're all wrong... i got a way to get there so fast, i could b*at all of you, even if i sat down and ordered a big, juicy steak first."}, {"x": "how?", "y": "medium rare. but that's not important right now. look, i know the city better than any of you guys, okay?"}, {"x": "oh, my god!", "y": "oh, wow!"}, {"x": "all right, all right, hold on, hold on! let's just forget about it. who cares? i mean, there's no way to find out who's right anyway. first person there wins!doesn't matter how you get there!", "y": "stay sad! i'll be back!"}, {"x": "that's the gray one. did you know that in 18...", "y": "hey! come on! elizabeth!"}, {"x": "this is my cab...!", "y": "downtown hospital, please. it's right by gregor's steakhouse. take the fdr, and maybe crank up some smooth jazz."}, {"x": "uh, we're required by law to take you to the nearest hospital, which is st. luke's-roosevelt. uptown.", "y": "oh, no. it's barney. help me."}, {"x": "hello.", "y": "ranjit, take me to gregor's."}, {"x": "well, you're in luck. see that gothic church over there? those corinthian columns were designed by giuseppe pegatto in 1896.", "y": "hey, ranjit, pull over."}, {"x": "pulling over.", "y": "hey, toots! how about a ride? oh. hey, robin, it's you."}, {"x": "so, is this ride your way of apologizing for this morning?", "y": "i'm sorry. i never apologize. and why would i?"}, {"x": "hey, barney, can i talk to you?", "y": "sure. stand a little more this way. i'm scouting some talent. pretend we're talking about something important."}, {"x": "oh, well, this... this is something important. um, i'm having a... a really rough time at work. you know, the whole becky thing...", "y": "oh, you know what? that's just getting distracting. um, say \"carrots and peas\". carrots and peas. guys, i can't stop staring at that girl's face."}, {"x": "yes. look, i've spent the last,six years in this city, focusing on my career, all for nothing. some lady almost got me k*lled. maury povich stole my cab. i swear, this city is starting to reject me like a bad organ transplant. you know, everyone keeps saying that i'm not a real new yorker. well, maybe i should just stop trying.", "y": "robin, i had no idea."}, {"x": "stopping the car.", "y": "no, don't stop the car."}, {"x": "seriously stopping the car.", "y": "look, you... wait, wait... robin, hold on. if you want to talk, i'm right here."}, {"x": "carrots and peas.", "y": "don't... you..."}, {"x": "okay, this is clearly a sign. let's just call it a tie. forget about the race. head back to the bar.", "y": "and f*ring half my department freed up the money to double my own salary. and this chick from boston was wicked hot in bed last night, and i'm getting more muscular, even though i've stopped working out, and i've got this amazing poker group."}, {"x": "where are marshall and lily?", "y": "who cares?"}, {"x": "i won? i won!", "y": "no!"}, {"x": "i can't believe i won!", "y": "how did that even happen?"}, {"x": "i won!", "y": "no!"}, {"x": "i love your idea about a giant rooftop ring of fire you can jump through with a motorcycle, but i tweaked it slightly and... this is still super bad-ass. it's now a patio garden where you can bring a nice bag lunch.", "y": "sick. yeah. dude. working together is gonna be legen... wait for it. i'll send you an inter-office memo with the rest 'cause we freakin' work together!"}, {"x": "barney, we have to talk.", "y": "sure. what's up?"}, {"x": "excuse me, mr. stinson.", "y": "not now, trish!"}, {"x": "\"dary.\"", "y": "legendary! so, what's on your mind?"}, {"x": "just don't!", "y": "you're kidding me."}, {"x": "i'm sorry. i can't do this if it means tearing down the arcadian. it's an architectural landmark. plus, people live there. how does gnb plan to get hundreds of residents to just up and leave?", "y": "snakes."}, {"x": "did you just say \"snakes\"?", "y": "i don't recall saying \"snakes\". ted, i know you love crappy old stuff no one cares about. but i'm gonna give you four words to live by new is always better."}, {"x": "new is always better?", "y": "you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl i've ever slept with? her okay-looking friend i haven't seen naked. why? because new is always better."}, {"x": "mm-hmm? and this theory applies to everything?", "y": "everything."}, {"x": "so, those new star wars movies... those are better than the old ones?", "y": "yeah. the first three barely mention the intricacies of intergalactic trade law."}, {"x": "and when you're at a g*ns n' roses concert, you're like, \"yeah, yeah, paradise city, whatever. when are they gonna rock me some chinese democracy\"?", "y": "axl's really matured as a songwriter, ted."}, {"x": "your call, buddy.", "y": "a glass of the j-jumbo jim's grape scotch sounds lovely. lots of ice. new is always better, ted! that's a rule. just like bigger is always better!"}, {"x": "max has a small penis.", "y": "how can you speak of such things?"}, {"x": "length, resemblance to a historical figure, such as winston churchill... yes, that's one of you. girth, grooming...", "y": "how can you speak of such things?"}, {"x": "you're kidding. barney, every time i mention a woman you don't know, the first thing you say is, \"boobs?\" not the complete sentence, \"does she have big boobs?\" which also would not be great. just \"boobs?\"", "y": "i do not do that."}, {"x": "my friend lori from work...", "y": "boobs? damn it. but... seriously. boobs?"}, {"x": "impossible. max's penis is stuck in my brain like a splinter. like a splinter-sized splinter.", "y": "speaking of disappointing weenies... ted, tell them what you told me."}, {"x": "i want to ask the board at gnb to move the site for the new headquarters so we don't have to tear down a classic old building.", "y": "i still don't get this. why, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, do you want to ruin... wait a minute. who's the girl?"}, {"x": "what? i... there's no g-girl. why would you even... her name is zoey.", "y": "boobs?"}, {"x": "she's an architecture nerd! a hot architecture nerd! that's the dream!", "y": "whose dream?"}, {"x": "will you sign this petition? save the arcadian\" we are gonna stop the bastards at goliath national bank from demolishing it. will you support us?", "y": "hmm. grape scotch. not bad. ted, you only think the arcadian needs to be saved because some pretty girl thinks that. and seriously... boobs?"}, {"x": "this isn't about the girl. it's about the building.", "y": "and what did this \"zoey\" say when she found out that you're the one tearing down her beloved arcadian? that you, ted mosby, are the architect of destruction?"}, {"x": "what? i panicked!", "y": "this whole arcadian thing is classic mosby. changing your personality to fit some girl."}, {"x": "aww! come on! come on! we all change a little for whoever we're into. barney pretended to be a rabbi to get laid.", "y": "asian girls love them some jews."}, {"x": "the point is, you weren't pretending to like the indigo girls for the other person. you realized you liked them because of the other person. just like me, zoey and the arcadian. did gnb really put snakes in the arcadian?", "y": "no. technically, they were eggs."}, {"x": "did you just say \"eggs\"?", "y": "i don't recall saying \"eggs.\""}, {"x": "ted, i will find the bastards at gnb responsible for this, and i promise you, i will take them down.", "y": "ted, this woman is an anarchist, a sociopath, a lunatic, and for the love of god, boobs?!"}, {"x": "solid c-cup, perky bounce.", "y": "momentary grudging respect."}, {"x": "zoey does what she believes is right, and i want to do the same thing. we have to find a new site for this building.", "y": "ted, that is never gonna happen."}, {"x": "how the hell could you do that?", "y": "simple. i rented the chair. the bunny was here already. that was lucky. i waited to do the dramatic swivel until i heard your key enter the door."}, {"x": "the billboard, barney.", "y": "i had to. now that you have no sh*t with the girl, you'll realize you never cared about the building, and everything can go back to normal."}, {"x": "you're wrong. i do care. and i'm still quitting.", "y": "don't you get it, ted? we're tearing down the arcadian either way. it's a stupid old piece-of-crap, run-down, snake-infested dump!"}, {"x": "okay, are there or aren't there snakes?!", "y": "who mentioned snakes?! and stop shouting! you're scaring cottontail."}, {"x": "you named the rabbit?", "y": "you took longer to get here than i thought, we bonded, i'm keeping her. the point is, you now have a chance to design your own building. dude, you can do whatever you want with it."}, {"x": "you're right. you're right. i can design it however i want.", "y": "so you're back in?"}, {"x": "you, too? can somebody please explain to me why the little girl act works on men?", "y": "you want the long version or the short version?"}, {"x": "short version.", "y": "short version. who's your daddy?"}, {"x": "exactly. and it's not like the opposite would work. there's no way a guy could pick up a girl, going around talking like a little boy.", "y": "challenge accepted."}, {"x": "no.", "y": "i, barney stinson, will pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy."}, {"x": "oh. oh. hey, barney. that prime rib was surprisingly good, but it's 1030 in the morning. i don't need to see a lady get naked and dance.", "y": "oh, esther gets naked. but she doesn't dance."}, {"x": "then what does she do? sweet mother nature!", "y": "that was my card!"}, {"x": "i have no idea how to raise a daughter! what if she makes bad choices? i mean, what if she winds up dating some... oh, god.", "y": "hey, bro. thanks for making such a hottie. who's your daddy?"}, {"x": "yeah, i slept.", "y": "i'm dying out here. talking like a little boy is not working with the ladies."}, {"x": "gentlemen, gentlemen, on the main stage, throwing her life away, give it up for marshall's daughter!", "y": "hey, want to have a three-way with me and my imaginary friend? his name's otis. hey, hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? i got the string; you got the cans. i wet myself! will you change me? can't blame her on that one. guys... i have some terrible, terrible news. i, barney stinson, can't pick up a girl whilst talking like a little boy. challenge forfeited."}, {"x": "no one challenged you, so it wasn't really a challenge.", "y": "i'm sorry."}, {"x": "hey, gerard, what's with that shirt? nobody could pick up a chick wearing that thing.", "y": "challenge accept..."}, {"x": "hey.", "y": "hey."}, {"x": "hey. um, when we were dating, did... did i make you feel needed?", "y": "no, i didn't feel like you needed me at all."}, {"x": "that's what i thought. uh, i'm sorry.", "y": "wait, where are you... that's a compliment. you are the least needy woman i've ever met-- that's awesome. i mean, no guy's gonna say \"who's your daddy?\" to robin scherbatsky. you're your own daddy. and mommy. and weird survivalist uncle who lives in a cabin with a shotgun blaming stuff on the government. and that is what makes you the most... amazing, strong... independent woman i've ever banged."}, {"x": "you did it? how?", "y": "last night, after admitting defeat, i just let myself go."}, {"x": "mmm, that looks so good. can i have some?", "y": "no! it's my ice cream; you can't have any."}, {"x": "it's not her nose that's in my ass, lily, it's her heart. my class loves me; i-i'm really making an impression on those guys. i'd like to make impression on those guys.", "y": "man, i love the office halloween party. it is so much sluttier than the office christmas party. though not as freaky as the office president's day rave. or the office tu b'shvat pajama jammy-jam."}, {"x": "oh, no, thank you. i brew my own. at the risk of bragging, my hazelnut pilsner won fourth prize at the weehawken retirement home clam bake and wheelchair maintenance picnic.", "y": "i wouldn't consider any part of that bragging."}, {"x": "look at them heading home after their dirty, filthy hookups.", "y": "looks like that bee got busy."}, {"x": "come on, marshall.", "y": "that's a line."}, {"x": "we get it.", "y": "does it get any better than this?"}, {"x": "crap.", "y": "there she is florence night-in-bed-with-a-stranger."}, {"x": "my co-anchor's a woman.", "y": "please tell me you are hooking up with one of your co-anchors again."}, {"x": "what makes goliath national bank different from other big banks? here at gnb, we care.", "y": "i care about our precious earth."}, {"x": "yeah. okay, get that camera out of my face before i flip you like a cheese omelet.", "y": "all you have to do is say \"i care about making dreams come true.\""}, {"x": "first of all, that line makes me sound like a hooker and saying it makes me feel like a hooker, so.", "y": "everyone is in this video. randy's in the video."}, {"x": "okay, i can fix this. i am all over this project.", "y": "i'll say this there is no quit in that guy. you should fire him."}, {"x": "sorry, randy, but... this just isn't working out.", "y": "marshall popped his cherry! oh! come on, marshall, you have to admit, the guy was a disaster. i mean, it reflected badly on the company. he was an embarrassment. a huge embarrassment."}, {"x": "that's...exactly what happened.", "y": "see, marshall, if getting fired is an execution, at least the guy had a last meal. i promise you, tomorrow you'll feel a lot better."}, {"x": "hey, guys.", "y": "uh-oh. i know that smile. lily, there's no easy way to say this. marshall's dead. randy m*rder*d him."}, {"x": "oh, we'll see about that.", "y": "anyhoo, while i got you-- big smile. \"we care about making dreams come true,\" in three, two..."}, {"x": "i've been meaning to clean out that file cabinet for ages.", "y": "i'm not even here. randy, the coffee."}, {"x": "oh! okay. okay. thank you, randy. i've been meaning to cut back on my caffeine.", "y": "here, try this, but really go for it. remember, this guy ruined your life."}, {"x": "that's just the pick-me-up i needed.", "y": "speaking of pickups, can we try the first one again?"}, {"x": "she ruined crossword day! i can't believe this. she singles me out by name. calls me a \"fat cat.\" me and my \"fat-cat friends.\" we're not fat cats.", "y": "exactly. i say, marshall, my good man, how's my bow tie?"}, {"x": "impeccable, old bean. to industry!", "y": "ah, bully!"}, {"x": "ooh.", "y": "wow, that's pretty cool. when i was a kid, i knocked down the blue whale."}, {"x": "okay, the giant blue whale hanging from the ceiling?", "y": "i was six. my uncle jerry brought me here for the day. he said, \"don't touch anything\". to a kid. that's like someone telling us \"don't look at that girl's perky and impossibly symmetrical knockers.\""}, {"x": "not bad.", "y": "so, naturally, i snapped the rib off a triceratops, blahbity-blahbity-blue, i knocked down the whale. i'm surprised security didn't stop me on the way in."}, {"x": "well, i'm sure they don't remember. i mean, it's been like 30 years since that completely made-up story didn't happen.", "y": "it happened. and these people don't forget. this is not the natural stuff that happened no more than five minutes ago museum. huh?"}, {"x": "the captain?", "y": "the captain?"}, {"x": "well, ahoy.", "y": "ahoy."}, {"x": "thank you, the captain.", "y": "challenge accepted."}, {"x": "i think i'm going to say yes.", "y": "ah, that's the stuff."}, {"x": "i didn't realize you were small potatoes. and to be clear, i am referring to your testicles.", "y": "impressive. try this on for size."}, {"x": "you want to dance? let's dance.", "y": "i live for the dance."}, {"x": "get... your other hand... off my ass.", "y": "sorry, sorry."}, {"x": "mmm. ah, this scotch is good. how's your drink?", "y": "this is ridiculous. we are two grown adults standing among the greatest collection of natural artifacts in the western hemisphere, and look at what we're doing."}, {"x": "you're right.", "y": "want to go touch a bunch of stuff?"}, {"x": "okay. lily, what do you want from me? i want you to be the person i fell in love with.", "y": "niled it."}, {"x": "excuse me.", "y": "thank god you're here. she's been messing with the exhibits."}, {"x": "oh no, not just someone. a six-year-old.", "y": "oh, yeah, that story is legend... hold on....dary. and, um, would you happen to know what that young man's name was?"}, {"x": "no. but i could, uh, check the files.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "oh, you're wearing a flower.", "y": "thank you."}, {"x": "ah, didn't compliment. just observed.", "y": "i know. isn't it?"}, {"x": "why does barney do anything ever?", "y": "exactly. science. there is an 83% correlation between the times men wear boutonnieres and the times they get laid. think about it. proms, weddings. grandmas' funerals. thanks for the redhead, nana. the \"everyday boutonniere\" by stinson."}, {"x": "along with 50 other clowns. it's a clown car. oh.", "y": "robin, did you know that boutonniere is french for \"bootie is near?\" true story. une histoire vraie."}, {"x": "hmm! did you know that barney is french for \"sad little guy who works way too hard to get laid\"\"", "y": "woman, you best check yourself."}, {"x": "yeah, on the bright side, i guess suits are pretty boring without them, so...", "y": "madam... that is an insult that cannot be borne! i demand satisfaction!"}, {"x": "what, are we gonna duel?", "y": "no. i'm going to show everyone this embarrassing video of you. it's robin sparkles iii, y'all!"}, {"x": "oh, you haven't watched it yet?", "y": "no, of course not. i wanted my first time to be with someone i cared about."}, {"x": "yeah, i figured i should get one now because once i get pregnant, no more massages. just so annoying.", "y": "space teens?! is this a p*rn?"}, {"x": "i don't know. this does have all the earmarks of p*rn. stripper pole, bad lighting, delusional girl who thinks it's a stepping stone to mainstream success.", "y": "yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a big old bowl of p*rn. whoa! and who is this exquisite keytarist i assum you're about to make sweet love to?"}, {"x": "oh, that's jessica glitter. she was my bff on the show and in real life.", "y": "ah, bffs. did you guys have sleepovers? get mad at each other and wrestle, but then end up kissing in a tender embrace? here, show us on lily."}, {"x": "don't stop now! almost there! 23 times three?", "y": "i'm sorry. we got to ration this. it's like we're on a desert island, and this video is a really hot, naked chick, and she's got, like, seaweed on her and a seashell bra. you all feel me?"}, {"x": "of course. robin hates kids.", "y": "the last thing she would want to do is hang out with some little brat."}, {"x": "just watch it without me.", "y": "two dudes on the couch together watching p*rn? that's kind of weird."}, {"x": "okay, fine, i'll watch it with you. yeah! but if either of you makes even one peep about the show being dirty, i'm turning it off.", "y": "we..."}, {"x": "the beaver is the official animal of canada. it's our national mascot.", "y": "it's a noble creature."}, {"x": "hey! no! you don't get to hear the beaver song! it is a sweet song about friendship, and you guys are being disgusting, and beavers are adorable!", "y": "no arguments here."}, {"x": "i'm going to go pee in the jar i got going in the alley.", "y": "seriously, dude, he has got to go. you need to be like, \"you are the weakest link. goodbye.\" punchy, the tribe has spoken. please pack up your knives and go. your work of art didn't work for us. your time's up. i have to ask you to leave the mansion. you must leave the chateau. your tour ends here. you've been chopped."}, {"x": "okay, yeah. i know.", "y": "you've been evicted from the big brother house. your dessert just didn't measure up. sashay away. give me your jacket and leave hell's kitchen. i'm sorry, you did not get a rose. you have been eliminated from the race. you are no longer in the running to be america's next top model. you're fired. auf wiedersehen."}, {"x": "your loss. all right, it's dead in here. i'm gonna call it a little early.", "y": "what? no! you can't go now. it's the night before thanksgiving. college chicks are back in town. their moms just made a snide comment about the weight they gained. they called her a bitch, but deep down, they know she's right. and they're about to walk through that door, where we will be waiting with some light beer and some rock hard approval. wh-what u-up?"}, {"x": "please stop. okay, fine.", "y": "...to me."}, {"x": "okay, well, we all started brainstorming ways to mess with her. there were a lot of different ideas kicking around.", "y": "and then i'm just going to leave her there... buck-naked, covered in candle wax, tied to the bed."}, {"x": "barney, i know that ted doesn't like that girl, but that's a little extreme.", "y": "wait... ted doesn't like that girl?"}, {"x": "oh, i was there for the whole thing. something inside me just said \"grand theft auto\" can wait a night.", "y": "it was legen-- wait for ted to leave, 'cause he's now the blitz-- -- dary. legendary!"}, {"x": "i'm finally free! i mean, you have no idea what i've missed all these years the university president's toupee being snatched by a hawk at graduation, zeppelin reuniting at my cousin ira's bar mitzvah, countless nip-slips, crotch sh*ts, sh**ting stars and double rainbows. i've missed them all!", "y": "well, not anymore, blitz."}, {"x": "the oven.", "y": "hey, robin, you should dance on the oven."}, {"x": "great. so not only did you guys betray me, but you broke my oven on thanksgiving?", "y": "full disclosure. we also used all your butter, greasing up lily so we could see how far we could slide her down the hall."}, {"x": "barney, i don't know if the oven is deep enough. plus, it's a display made of cardboard.", "y": "huh. i should probably disconnect the gas."}, {"x": "guys? wait a minute. where's barney?", "y": "and here's the twist, babaka. because ted left early, he's now the blitz."}, {"x": "but barney, now you left the group. wouldn't that put you in danger of becoming the blitz yourself?", "y": "no. i c... because... step on it."}, {"x": "tony bennett passed ted the mike and he sang \"twist and shout!\"", "y": "but he's the blitz."}, {"x": "blitz...", "y": "oh, god, no!"}, {"x": "barney, could you get me some more ice?", "y": "sure. but... no one move while i'm gone. i'm scared."}, {"x": "you're safe. it's okay to leave the room. you have to actually leave the building for something cool to happen.", "y": "thanks. you're the only one who's nice to me about this."}, {"x": "okay, i got to test this.", "y": "what happened?"}, {"x": "dude, you walked out of the room, the laws of physics stopped and the laws of awesome tripled.", "y": "aw, man! you said i could leave the room!"}, {"x": "i just wanted to see something cool happen. i'm sorry. but i was on that island for what seems like eternity. i'm going to enjoy things on the other side.", "y": "no! y-you... robin, robin. i will pay you to be the blitz. $100! no-- $10,000. no-- 60 bucks. that's a lot of money for someone like you."}, {"x": "come on, man. don't be that blitz.", "y": "i'm not any blitz! you're the blitz! you're all the blitz! i slept with that cute indian girl who cuts my hair!"}, {"x": "what does that have to do with anything?", "y": "nothing! i just forgot to brag about it before!"}, {"x": "okay. that man is terrifying.", "y": "everything he said was nice, but i am profoundly scared."}, {"x": "yeah. i snapped this photo of him last time he dropped off zoey.observe. the bottom half of his face... is smiling. he seems happy. seems like a nice guy. but the top half of his face...wants to m*rder you! cheerful. wants to m*rder you. no. cheerful. wants to m*rder you. now, hold on. let me ask him a question. captain, what do you think of ice cream? oh, he loves it!", "y": "captain, what do you think of rainy days?"}, {"x": "holding the towel.", "y": "and i'll be home trying to get over the fact that no one invited meto the big hair washing party."}, {"x": "oh, wait. just the two of you? tread lightly, mosby. any time a single guy hangs out with a married woman, there are rules that must be followed. rule number one...", "y": "don't use the husband's condoms. that's just rude."}, {"x": "and the most important rule of all...", "y": "lubricant is public property."}, {"x": "oh! sweet. no candles.", "y": "lily, i guess that leaves just you and me. want to hang?"}, {"x": "barney.", "y": "save it, lily. i am still mad at you for... something, and for that other thing."}, {"x": "watch out!", "y": "oh! wow. thanks, lily. you saved me. you saved us. look, i know you didn't mean whatever it was you said that made me so mad."}, {"x": "two years ago, i had just hired a new assistant at gnb.", "y": "so, who's the eye broccoli?"}, {"x": "okay, that's iris, my new assistant. and yes, she's a little plain, but i'm married, so that's good.", "y": "mark my words, marshall. someday you will find iris so excruciatingly attractive, you won't be able to look her directly in the boobs."}, {"x": "i don't think that's gonna be a problem.", "y": "marshall, do you know how the myth of mermaids came to be?"}, {"x": "i'm sorry. myth?", "y": "it was 300 years ago. sailors stuck at sea would get desperate for female companionship. it got so bad that, eventually, the manatees out in the water started to look like... beautiful women. mermaids. let's go get some tail! oh. you see, every woman, no matter how initially repugnant, has a mermaid clock... the time it takes for you to realize you want to bone her. sure, today you see iris as a manatee. but she ain't gonna stay that way. marshall, your secretary's mermaid clock starts right now."}, {"x": "and it took one year, three months, and 16 days, but eventually...", "y": "d'oh! told you. the mermaid theory. it's a thing. you owe me 500 bucks."}, {"x": "did we bet on this?", "y": "let's say yes."}, {"x": "seriously? i step away for five seconds, and you eat all my onion rings? no surprise there.", "y": "what's that supposed to mean? are you calling me fat? if there is one thing you never do, it is call a woman fat right to her face!"}, {"x": "want to hang?", "y": "nah. watch out!"}, {"x": "wow... thanks, barney. you saved me. you saved us.", "y": "oh, lily, i'm sorry. hey, you want to see a magic trick?"}, {"x": "i asked barney the same thing.", "y": "once mermaid-ified, there's only one way a woman can go back to being unattractive again, but it's pretty gruesome."}, {"x": "death?", "y": "worse. pregnancy. if a baby's on board that train, it is headed straight back to manatee city... where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty."}, {"x": "mm-hmm. once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. never thought i'd say that sentence.", "y": "well, lily, i guess it's just you and me. you wanna hang?"}, {"x": "nah. whenever we're alone, you spend the whole time undressing me with your eyes. you even take off my shoes.", "y": "high heels chafe my shoulders. but you don't have to worry about that anymore. ever since you got pregnant, you're just a big fat manatee."}, {"x": "wow. thanks, barney. you saved me. you saved us. if there's one thing you never do, it's call a woman \"fat\" right to her face!", "y": "i'm sorry, lily. hey, you want to see a magic trick?"}, {"x": "oh... you're a jerk.", "y": "hey. hey, wait. come on. i was kid... wait, wait, wait! there's another addendum to the mermaid theory. a pregnant woman who's become a manatee can become a mermaid again through one simple act."}, {"x": "what's that?", "y": "breast-feeding. hot."}, {"x": "really?", "y": "really. when those things swell up to three times their normal size... so do i."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "i've never seen that woman before in my life! sorry. force of habit. congratulations!"}, {"x": "and now she's totally winning celebrity rehab.", "y": "hey, guys. a yuletide riddle. what is my second favorite word that begins with b-o-n?"}, {"x": "bon jovi?", "y": "yeah. what is my third favorite word that begins with b-o-n? bonus. as in, my end-of-the-year bonus check."}, {"x": "my god, barney! i work for gnb, too. all i got was $15 gift card to costa coffee.", "y": "and you earned it, buddy. check out what i'm gonna buy for myself. the dibiase. see those pinstripes? diamonds. it is the uppest a person could ever suit."}, {"x": "uh, has it ever occurred to you to give some of this to charity?", "y": "charity? you're seriously talking to me about charity? dude, i am mr. charity. i frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over-thirties... i am the bill and melinda gates of the sympathy bang."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "what?! i've never seen that woman before in my life! sorry, force of habit. congratulations!"}, {"x": "we've never been happier. can't imagine bringing e down right now.", "y": "oh, marshall, you only think you're happy. just wait, because tonight, is barney's favorite things!"}, {"x": "huh? i don't know what that is.", "y": "barney's favorite things! i'm gonna give you all a bunch of free stuff... like oprah. just get excited, okay?"}, {"x": "velour is so comfortable. they're so soft.", "y": "remote control helicopters! condoms! and last but not least... there is a fleet of limos outside waiting to take us to... a strip club! you get a lap dance! you get a lap dance! you're gonna give me a lap dance! everybody gets a lap dance! that was amazing! it was like a diamond suit for my soul. i gotta keep going. i gotta do more."}, {"x": "no. no! i cannot go back to that strip club. i seen some things.", "y": "i'm not going back either. i'm taking the rest of my bonus to god's strip club."}, {"x": "what's up, barney?", "y": "i'm thinking about giving some money to charity."}, {"x": "is that the name of the stripper you've been e-mailing me about? you got to take me off that list, barney.", "y": "no, i don't mean that charity. that charity is doing peachy. you'll see pics of the two of them in next week's e-mail."}, {"x": "what up! barney, i'm a minister. unsubscribe.", "y": "i-i recently started giving, and it felt surprisingly good. i want to do more."}, {"x": "well, now you're talking. we have this program that helps those in need get back on their feet. we give them food, a place to live, clothes for job interviews.", "y": "well, i would love to help by writing a check for... one, zero, zero, zero..."}, {"x": "that's great. thank you, barney!", "y": "diamond suited up. hey, ted, can you spot me for the movie? i don't like to carry a lot of cash on me."}, {"x": "what happened to giving the money away?", "y": "yeah, that was back when lily was pregnant. now she's not. ergo, a suit is born. dude, what's up with the gingerbread house? you look ridiculous!"}, {"x": "it's a christmas-themed movie snack!", "y": "ah, i know that move. you cut a hole in the floor, she reaches into the living room, finds the tree... nice."}, {"x": "what?!", "y": "what?! i've never seen that woman before in my life! sorry, force of habit. congratulations!"}, {"x": "what am i doing with my life?", "y": "what am i doing with my life?"}, {"x": "yeah, we were thinking maybe we would just get a dog.", "y": "get a puppy!"}, {"x": "no!", "y": "oh. our movie snack."}, {"x": "and you! ooh. barney, you look real stupid in that suit. you're gonna go get your money back and give it to charity. and i don't mean that stripper you keep e-mailing us about, even though we beg you to take us off that list.", "y": "i can't give this suit back. ted, i glow in the dark. i finally glow in the dark!"}, {"x": "wow. that's a lot of zeroes. y-you sure you're not missing a decimal point?", "y": "nope."}, {"x": "positive.", "y": "and there's more. do you still do that thing where you give people in need clothes for job interviews?"}, {"x": "yeah. why?", "y": "bring 'em in, boys! merry christmas."}, {"x": "thank you, son.", "y": "son?!"}, {"x": "well, what's your plan, marshall, just have unprotected sex day after day after day in every position imaginable until...? wait, it sounded worse in my head.", "y": "guys, we've got a problem. this is the application for the regional doubles laser tag tournament in poughkeepsie. problem is, only one of you can be my partner. so it looks like we've got a bake-off. you may now present your arguments."}, {"x": "damn it.", "y": "and marshall's the winner."}, {"x": "so i understand you want to get pregnant.", "y": "yeah, and it cuts in and out."}, {"x": "ooh! how did you do it?", "y": "oh, god, you found one of the cameras. i swear that's the only one. wait, which one did you find?"}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "wait, so you weren't wearing a fake beard and examining girl parts all day?", "y": "not today i wasn't."}, {"x": "no, we've made a binding covenant with the universe. we said we weren't going to try to have kids until we saw barney's doppelganger. oh, this is bad news. this is like a black cat walked through my uterus. okay, that's it. i am going back to dr. stangel and getting thoroughly checked out.", "y": "or... or cost-saving alternative you could get checked out by someone who looks just like him. i'm gonna go scrub up. i'll meet you in stall three."}, {"x": "no, barney... doctor, wait, please, it's... can you just give us a couple minutes? i... lily, how can i convince you that this is not barney?", "y": "wow, it is like looking into a poorly dressed mirror."}, {"x": "yeah, i'm sorry, but unless i see barney at the same time, i... i'll never be sure that dr. stangel isn't him.", "y": "how you doing, lily?! should i have a boner?!"}, {"x": "thank you.", "y": "hey, you don't mind if i take pictures, do you?!"}, {"x": "i'm done for the day. you can leave him in here all night.", "y": "aw, yeah. smile for the birdie, lil! gyno-mite!"}, {"x": "well, i was just putting on a brave face. okay, think about it we've had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. obviously i'm the problem.", "y": "problem?! you can't get a girl pregnant. that's the dream. i'd give my firstborn to not be able to have children."}, {"x": "robin, a word of advice play along. okay, the more you fight it, the worse it's going to get. it's like when your car slides on ice, you steer into the skid.", "y": "exactly! or when your... i don't know... friend invites you to a laser tag tournament, you don't fight it. you just strap on the vinyl holster and race into that abandoned jcpenney g*ns a-blazin'. i'm just agreeing with ted."}, {"x": "but the news that i might not be able to give him a grandchild? you know, like, i don't even know how to have that conversation.", "y": "i'll show you. \"dad, there's, uh, there's something i need to tell you, and it's going to come as a bit of a shock to you, but here goes. you are speaking to the 2011 tri-county laser tag co-champion\"."}, {"x": "barney, i've already told...", "y": "\"oh, and my sperm don't work. yeah, yeah, the laser tag thing is awesome\"."}, {"x": "damn it, barney! what are you doing in here?", "y": "think about it, marshall. all entrants get 20% off at the snack bar! oh, bt-dub, the receptionist. what's her situation?"}, {"x": "your sperm is fine.", "y": "bro, that is awesome. motility five!"}, {"x": "\"judy duty.\"", "y": "she said \"doody.\""}, {"x": "uh, okay, while not all of us possess your lofty sense of decorum, drug-dealerfrom-an-'80s-after-school-special, we have to laugh today. it's healthy.", "y": "wait a minute! today, we are gonna make marshall laugh."}, {"x": "how?", "y": "ted, what's the one thing that always cracks him up?"}, {"x": "internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts.", "y": "internet footage of a guy getting hit in the nuts, exactly! so we are gonna get our bro a four-star nad rattler. you search knees, feet, banisters, fire hydrants and diving boards, and i'll cover bats, rackets, hockey sticks, golf clubs and riding crops."}, {"x": "what about animals?", "y": "uh... claws, paws, talons, hooves, beaks and clenched monkey fists. we can do this!"}, {"x": "yeah, well, your lunch money finally ran out. kidding!", "y": "marshall eriksen, you could use a laugh."}, {"x": "oh!", "y": "see? 'cause, 'cause he got hit..."}, {"x": "this is worse than the pork chop.", "y": "this next clip is entitled, \"guy playing bagpipes gets hit in the nuts by low-flying seagull\""}, {"x": "let's see what happens.", "y": "here he comes... oh! oh! 'cause he gets hit right in the nuts."}, {"x": "and then the fat kid loses his swim trunks.", "y": "fall off. shorts just fall right off."}, {"x": "she's right. i mean, this idea that someone's last words have to be profound and meaningful? i mean, who can live up to that?", "y": "exactly. all those \"famous last word\" people supposedly said? they're all made up. like that patriotic dude, nathan hale, from third-grade history?"}, {"x": "hey, stay hydrated.", "y": "so?"}, {"x": "we know, baby. but you'll always wonder, if you don't. your dad loved you. it almost doesn't matter what he said.", "y": "it doesn't. that's true."}, {"x": "yes.", "y": "man, i always thought i had it rough not really knowing my dad, but... now i realize at least i'll never have to suffer like this. our next video is called \"german shepherd activates tennis ball cannon while fat kid sips energy drink.\""}, {"x": "whoa, they grow big out here.", "y": "and here's your phone number back."}, {"x": "well, at least someone's helping. we haven't made marshall laugh once.", "y": "yeah. showing videos of guys getting hit in the nuts wasn't going to do anything. i'm just stupid."}, {"x": "stupid.", "y": "what we need to do is hit each other in the nuts."}, {"x": "hey, so it's a pocket dial. you have so many great memories with your dad. who cares about the last one?", "y": "she's right. your dad was hilarious."}, {"x": "could someone pass the ketchup?", "y": "i hope i can pass this hot dog."}, {"x": "yeah, i always get those e- mails from michelle obama and sometimes obama himself.", "y": "oh, honey."}, {"x": "wow, an architect. how fascinating.", "y": "why do they call 'em coasters?"}, {"x": "okay, time to go home.", "y": "ted, a word. god, i hate these situations. what are we gonna do about this?"}, {"x": "what are you talking about?", "y": "come on, ted, it's obvious. honey's vibing on me."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "it's called body language. remember when she was touching your arm and leaning in real close?"}, {"x": "mm-hmm.", "y": "well, while that was happening, the straw in her drink was pointed right at me. i mean... that's as clear as a signal gets, so... i'm so sorry, man."}, {"x": "funny you should say that.", "y": "does anyone know why we're here?"}, {"x": "hmm, no, it's the shoulder hair.", "y": "guys, just let the man explain how it's all about his wearing a lady's watch."}, {"x": "well, it would be. good-bye. eriksen residence, marshall speaking.", "y": "hey, marshall."}, {"x": "barney. w- what number is this?", "y": "i'm up on burners, playa. too many crazies had my old number, so now i'm all about disposable cell phones. i'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. and then i'll do the same with my phone."}, {"x": "hey, uh, so robin told me about this whole ted and zoey thing.", "y": "dude, she doesn't know how to tell a story. i'll tell you that story."}, {"x": "uh... robin's version was...", "y": "that is exactly how it happened. so ted did his best to impress her, but as per yoozh, he bored the pants very much on her."}, {"x": "okay, can we skip this part, please?", "y": "sure, i'll just summarize it."}, {"x": "okay, that's been going on a while.", "y": "only way i know how. any-who, next day, i'm going into work. i run into zoey."}, {"x": "thanks.", "y": "yeah, we had a great time last night. and then just hand stuff in the morning, so..."}, {"x": "wait, she didn't go home with ted?", "y": "nope, he let me have her. i have to say, it was pretty noble of him. he fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine. i won't bore you with the details, but to summarize..."}, {"x": "oh, yeah. he's such a sweet guy.", "y": "who's your daddy?"}, {"x": "i don't know.", "y": "so i wrote him a letter. and i poured my heart out. and i gave him my number and i told him to call me. and he still hasn't called me."}, {"x": "oh, honey.", "y": "i mean, i shouldn't be surprised. clearly, he wants nothing to do with me."}, {"x": "oh, honey.", "y": "i mean, why else would he let 30 years go by? he's ashamed to have me as a son."}, {"x": "oh, honey, he's not ashamed of you. he's ashamed of himself. i mean, look at you. you're do so great without him. i mean, you have an airline and three nobel prizes, and you play for the yankees.", "y": "four. four nobel prizes."}, {"x": "four. see? that is impressive. i mean, how many does he have?", "y": "only three."}, {"x": "oh. translation booty-call.", "y": "total booty-call."}, {"x": "if it bleeds, we can k*ll it.", "y": "wow, you sound really lonely."}, {"x": "i am. earlier today, i burst into tears...", "y": "shh. daddy's talking now. loneliness. the looming specter of valentine's day fast approaching. the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year, february 13 desperation day."}, {"x": "that's not a thing.", "y": "it's a thing. much like valentine's day itself, desperation day dates back thousands of years. weddings were forbidden under ancient roman law, so saint valentine performed them in secret, under thr*at of death."}, {"x": "that's actually true.", "y": "wait, there's more."}, {"x": "this won't be.", "y": "and right by saint valentine's side was his best bro, saint desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids."}, {"x": "and i thought pompeii was smokin'.", "y": "every woman wants a date on valentine's day. that neediness reaches its climax... what up... on february 13. a magical night when a ten has the self-esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two. now, there's only one thing you can't do."}, {"x": "please say \"widows.\"", "y": "wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 1159 p.m. otherwise, you're on a date on valentine's day."}, {"x": "barney, desperation day assumes that all single women freak out about valentine's day. which we do not. case in point, i will be spending february 13 with some lovely single ladies from work...", "y": "trolls."}, {"x": "...who could care less about valentine's day.", "y": "lying trolls."}, {"x": "i decided to go to minnesota to see marshall. he shouldn't have to help his mom through this rough time all by himself.", "y": "you losing your mind, being alone in your apartment?"}, {"x": "you guys said i was definitely going to spend the night.", "y": "we said you were going to have sex. we didn't say, \"bring a carry-on.\""}, {"x": "who said i wasn't sure? i'm glad we're in a serious relationship. right away. and if i screw this up, i'm the devil, because she's going through a divorce. but i'm not going to screw this up. so stop freaking out, robin. stop freaking out!", "y": "god, these girls are so hungry for male attention. it is like being a hunter and having the deer walk up, tie itself to the hood of your car and beg to get mounted."}, {"x": "barney, this is bev and anna, uh, my coworkers and my friends. bev, anna, this is barney, a high-functioning sociopath and my ex.", "y": "enchant\u00e9. that's french for \"what's with the purple?\""}, {"x": "and we don't care about some stupid, sexist, corporate holiday.", "y": "please! you might as well be dog-earing a tear-stained bridal magazine while wolfing down the box of chocolates you had delivered to yourself at work from your \"fianc\u00e9\" who no one's ever met."}, {"x": "no!", "y": "okay, when your \"fianc\u00e9\" gerard comes back from fixing cleft palates in peru, maybe snatch a photo of the two of you together, and then i'll totally believe you."}, {"x": "hey. hey, nora. uh, nora, this is barney. you want to see anna b*at him in an arm wrestle?", "y": "my elbow slipped!"}, {"x": "please come home soon.", "y": "so, you were an olympic gymnast?"}, {"x": "silver medal.", "y": "ooh, sorry. gold's the only thing that really counts."}, {"x": "that's what my dad said.", "y": "and she sticks the landing. why don't you start stretching, and i'll... be right back. hey, hey, sorry."}, {"x": "oh, hi.", "y": "quick question."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "why aren't you wearing purple like your friends?"}, {"x": "oh, i told them i forgot, but the truth is, i'm kind of protesting their protest. can you keep a secret?", "y": "sure."}, {"x": "i love valentine's day.", "y": "oh, my gosh! me, too! um, is it getting crowded in here, 'cause i think there are two peas in this pod?"}, {"x": "oh, you're a gooey romantic, too?", "y": "guilty. this is embarrassing but every year, i buy flowers and a box of chocolates, even if i'm not with someone. just in case, you know?"}, {"x": "we are pitiful.", "y": "the worst."}, {"x": "although there is one difference between you and me.", "y": "what's that?"}, {"x": "um, when i was a kid, we would spend the summers in the upper peninsula. and every year, we wouldn't get to the cabin till, like, the middle of the night. and so, it would be pitch black, in the middle of the woods. and i could never see anything in front of the headlights but i always felt so safe 'cause my dad was driving. he was like some sort of superhero who could just see way out into the darkness. now he's just gone. and it's pitch black. and i can't see where i'm going. i can't see anything.", "y": "all right, okay. i was playing you before. but i was really doing you a public service. it's february 13... a day many are now calling desperation day. it's kind of a thing. and you walking around, saying you're a gooey romantic? it comes across a bit desperate."}, {"x": "what's desperate about knowing what you want? look, life is really short, barney. who wants to spend valentine's day alone, distracting yourself from the fact that nobody loves you with some sad little activity?", "y": "um, or you could be in the 47th semi-annual laser tag tournament in poughkeepsie."}, {"x": "hey, i'm all stretched out!", "y": "here's the first thing you need to know about laser tag."}, {"x": "crusts cut off! no, ted. what are we...? we're men. mom! leave the crusts on! they forced their opponents to scatter, picking them off, one by one, in a swift and merciless slaughter.", "y": "...became the 2010 tri-county champions."}, {"x": "wow. laser tag sounds brilliant!", "y": "oh, it is. plus, if you win, you get free pizza. this is my teammate for tomorrow."}, {"x": "look, robin, you'll find someone, too. you're a queen. you've got so much to offer. maybe do something with that hair.", "y": "i'm telling you. the power of valentine's day. i'm huey lewis, and you just heard the news."}, {"x": "well, i think i'm heading out, too.", "y": "what? no, don't go! you want to see a magic trick?!"}, {"x": "speaking of the power of valentine's day...", "y": "what are you talking about?"}, {"x": "oh, come on. it's-it's past midnight. desperation day has come and gone, and you have neither gone nor come. you know why? you like nora.", "y": "no, i don't. she's gross."}, {"x": "oh... you like her. you think she smells like rain.", "y": "whatever you say."}, {"x": "oh, hey, nora.", "y": "nora..."}, {"x": "well, that was kind of presumptuous.", "y": "the ground was shaking like. robin, where are you? those boy scouts have grown a foot since last year. they're terrifying!"}, {"x": "oh, yeah. change of plans. happy valentine's day.", "y": "hap...?"}, {"x": "hey, barney. robin told me to meet you guys here.", "y": "oh!"}, {"x": "so, barney, i hear you and nora had a fun time at laser tag.", "y": "i don't know where you heard that. it was a disaster."}, {"x": "oh, my god, this was so much fun. we have to do this again. we do, we have to.", "y": "you want to grab a drink right now?"}, {"x": "no, i'm kind of tired. but... this is my number. give me a call.", "y": "absolutely."}, {"x": "how is that a disaster?", "y": "she didn't want to get drinks. and as soon as a girl says she doesn't want to get drinks, well..."}, {"x": "no, i'm kind of tired.", "y": "absolutely."}, {"x": "please, cheese. you like this girl.", "y": "what? nora? no, i don't."}, {"x": "barney, you can't say her name without smiling.", "y": "that's... nora. sorry, sorry. i was thinking of a funny thing that nora said. hmm. stop it. no... ra. nah... damn it, what is the matter with me?"}, {"x": "you like her. you should call her.", "y": "call her? she had a nice face, her booty was in place, but barney don't chase."}, {"x": "that is ridiculous. barney, you know what, here's some advice.", "y": "totally."}, {"x": "well, that's just what minnesota guys are like... strong, silent, you know, man's man.", "y": "like prince."}, {"x": "no, it's more than that. it's like, all the stuff he used to love, he suddenly has no interest in anymore.", "y": "oh. ha-wink"}, {"x": "excuse me?", "y": "lily, in my travels, i've developed a finely calibrated sense of how long it's been since... how do i not put this delicately?... a girl's been porked. and, boo, you've been pork-free so long, you're practically kosher."}, {"x": "it's been a while.", "y": "five weeks, three days by my estimation."}, {"x": "you should work at a carnival.", "y": "i tried. they're pretty strict with backgrounds."}, {"x": "good night. good night, guys.", "y": "18 weeks."}, {"x": "damn it. okay, yes, i am in a bit of a dry spell. but i just started a new job, and dating's been on the back burner, and...", "y": "shh. child, listen. if you're really hurting for it, i'd be more than happy to throw you one."}, {"x": "throw me one? yeah.", "y": "we're exes. we're probably due for a backslide. or we could just do it the normal way."}, {"x": "oh, i see what's going on.", "y": "yeah?"}, {"x": "this is about nora. you met a girl, you liked her, but then you missed your sh*t. and now you're trying to hook up with your ex-girlfriend to prove to yourself that you don't care.", "y": "robin, you could not be more... what do you mean i missed my sh*t?"}, {"x": "nora met a guy. what?!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "yep. off the market. he's taking her to cafe l'amour this friday night.", "y": "but \"l'amour\" means love! they're going to the cafe of love! i'm fine. it's fine. point is, robin, i don't even like nora. damn it!"}, {"x": "you're welcome... earth. phase two gnb. tomorrow i'm going to make a presentation in front of the board about how we can cut our carbon footprint by half for only $12 million.", "y": "dude, don't do that. all they're going to hear is \"$12 million,\" and all you're going to hear is the sound of the door smacking your fired ass. and some muffled laughter. which i apologize for in advance."}, {"x": "lily!", "y": "you lying little minx. i happened to be at cafe l'amour tonight from 500 p.m. until closing, reading a newspaper with two holes cut out of it, and i never saw nora or this italian race car driver she's dating."}, {"x": "sorry. who said anything about an...?", "y": "come on, you just know he's an italian race car driver."}, {"x": "no, he's not. he doesn't exist. i made the whole thing up to see if you like her. and you do. so you should just call her. here is her number. and i also programmed it into your phone while you were in the bathroom. wow. that was a joke. you just got here, remember? you really are smitten.", "y": "no, i'm not. i'm barney stinson. i don't get smitten, i smite!"}, {"x": "you are totally smitten, but you're scared of being in a relationship.", "y": "no, i'm not. i can't be anyone's boyfriend, robin. if i got serious with nora, it would be like if mother teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. with great penis comes great responsibility."}, {"x": "okay, mother teresa, throw me one.", "y": "sorry?"}, {"x": "i would like it if you threw me one. fastball, right down the middle. actually, if i recall correctly, a slight curve.", "y": "careful, robin, i'll do it."}, {"x": "oh, i don't think you will. hmm. because you don't want to screw things up with nora. hey, prove me wrong. tomorrow night, my place.", "y": "don't poke the dragon, robin, 'cause the dragon will poke you back."}, {"x": "i hope this doesn't make me look desperate.", "y": "all right, robin, give it to me."}, {"x": "damn it, barney, you failed my test! you know, i- i try to root for you. even as your ex-girlfriend, when you meet someone, i'm like, \"yeah, barney, go get her!\" but you know what? just forget it. you're never gonna change. i'm done trying to help you.", "y": "the number. give me the number, 'cause i really can't tell... is that a seven or a nine?"}, {"x": "it's a five, idiot.", "y": "a fi...? in what moon man language is that a five?"}, {"x": "\"moon man language\"? what does that even mean?", "y": "how am i supposed to see that's a five?"}, {"x": "look how you taped this up...", "y": "fine, fine, fine. i have a phone call to make."}, {"x": "vintage rolltop desk here. i haven't decided whether to put the fern on the right or the left side, but you know, sometimes you just gotta wing it. right? left side. oh, and right outside, i want to put up a basketball hoop for the kids.", "y": "ted. this is your seduction lounge. sex swing there, vibrating jell-o pit right there, rotating vietnamese shame wheel right here. don't ask; you're not ready. and that basketball hoop? outdoor stripper pole. we'll just tell the ladies to be careful in the winter. you think a tongue stuck to a frozen pole is bad..."}, {"x": "we have a confession. this wasn't really about seeing ted's house. it's an intervention.", "y": "oh, thank god. i'll go first. ted, this hous you bought for your hypothetical family is super weird. we talk about it all the time behind your back."}, {"x": "okay, uh, i think i see what the problem is. barney, can you grab me a screwdriver?", "y": "sure thing. luis. barney stinson, 12 h. i got a hundred bucks if you can be here in five. thanks."}, {"x": "you call the super for a screwdriver?", "y": "yeah... here's the thing about me and tools... the only one i know how to use is attached to me, and i am not going to try putting it in the tv. again."}, {"x": "okay, that's ridiculous. everyone should know how to use tools.", "y": "well, here's our screwdriver now. guys, i'm pretty sure that's not luis, but i can't be certain. someone introduce yourself."}, {"x": "barney, i... i got your letter.", "y": "dad?"}, {"x": "hey. tell us everything. how'd it go, bud?", "y": "where do i begin?"}, {"x": "so, i'm not sure how to start this.", "y": "yeah. i think i need a drink."}, {"x": "nice order. up top.", "y": "look, it's been 30 years. and now you just show up out of nowhere? this is... this is going to take me a minute."}, {"x": "yeah. i understand. by the way, hell of a tie. is that italian silk?", "y": "i love you, daddy. i'm so glad we're best friends now."}, {"x": "there you go.", "y": "ah!"}, {"x": "you're funny. my dad's funny.", "y": "so, all these years, there's this one question i've been dying to ask him."}, {"x": "you've hurt me before, why should i trust you now?", "y": "do you... get laid a lot?"}, {"x": "big-time. observe.", "y": "oh, my god, that took you five seconds."}, {"x": "oh, was it that long? life's too short for chatty chicks.", "y": "you're a master. you are legen... wait for it..."}, {"x": "so i'm going to sydney tomorrow with bon jovi. i'll be on the road the rest of the year.", "y": "oh, that's cool."}, {"x": "say, you want to join me for the tour's asian leg?", "y": "this is going to be the second-most fun i've ever had on an asian leg."}, {"x": "barney, we... we know you're psyched, but just... be careful.", "y": "what do you mean?"}, {"x": "barney, we just don't want to see you get hurt.", "y": "first of all, robin, my dad could b*at up your dad. second, you don't have to worry. he's cool. now if you'll excuse me... i have to go renew my passport, and get a travel-sized rotating vietnamese shame wheel. don't ask; you're not ready."}, {"x": "that's not what happened.", "y": "i'm not sure how to start this."}, {"x": "yeah.", "y": "i think i need a drink."}, {"x": "me, too.", "y": "glen mckenna, neat."}, {"x": "milk, skim.", "y": "milk? oh, you're taking it easy. crazy night?"}, {"x": "i'll say. between you and me, i had a lot of acid last night.", "y": "wow."}, {"x": "i think it was the chili dog. i had to take four tums. i was up till, like, 930.", "y": "hey, um.. when i was a kid, you used to be a roadie. you still do that?"}, {"x": "no. i switched lanes years ago. i should explain. i'm a driving instructor. now you get it, right", "y": "yeah, no, i get it. um, but when i was a kid, you... you were this total badass."}, {"x": "oh, i know. i was a real hard partier.", "y": "yeah, okay, now we're getting to the good stuff."}, {"x": "the dr*gs, the alcohol, the women...", "y": "yes, yes, yes."}, {"x": "i was out of control.", "y": "*out of control.*"}, {"x": "so when your mom said i couldn't see you any more, it was rock bottom for me. i'm so sorry.", "y": "you ever bang stevie nicks?"}, {"x": "what a hottie, huh? i'm sure you're a real player.", "y": "big-time."}, {"x": "observe. excuse me, that's my son over there. i'm trying to reconnect with him after 30 years. would you just write down any seven numbers here, so that i can impress him? please, i'm desperate.", "y": "oh, my god, you're a natural. think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. there's the \"father knows breast,\" there's the \"bush dynasty,\" the \"lick father, lick son.\""}, {"x": "oh, no, no. i couldn't do that.", "y": "why?"}, {"x": "i have a family now. that's my wife cheryl, my daughter carly... she's in college. this is my son j.j. i was hoping you could come over to dinner sometime and meet them.", "y": "you're all wearing matching sweaters. that's cute. look, i got to get going, jerry. but, uh, this was great. glad we did this."}, {"x": "we think you should give him another chance. that's the real reason we're out here. he lives ten minutes away.", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "you're having dinner with him tonight.", "y": "no, i most certainly am not. look, i met him. he's not my kind of bro and that's that."}, {"x": "are you sure it's not more than that?", "y": "guys, get it through your heads. i am never gonna talk to my dad again."}, {"x": "no, barney. i'm never gonna talk to my dad again. but your dad is alive and he lives just down the road.", "y": "fine, i'll go."}, {"x": "hello. you must be barney. i'm cheryl. it's just so nice to finally meet you. i love that suit.", "y": "oh, thank you very much. and i love your...coat. i love your coat."}, {"x": "oh, that's your coat, barney. i just took it from you.", "y": "well, i do love it. it's doing a nice job covering up that chair."}, {"x": "hey, lily, can you get me a mojito? normally, you would've given me crap for an hour about a voice cr*ck that pubescently girl-like, but nothing. so then i started to test you guys. [...] the phantom menace is by far the best star wars movie.", "y": "it ages well, that's the thing."}, {"x": "j.j., dinner. when i got your letter, i dug this up. you were probably too young to remember, but this is you, this is me, and, of course, zz top.", "y": "i do remember that. i climbed up on that dude's lap and told him what i wanted for christmas."}, {"x": "hi, barney. it's great to finally meet you.", "y": "j.j., i'm talking to dad right now. god."}, {"x": "so, barney, i understand you have a pretty big job with a bank.", "y": "yeah, i do. i make a ton of money. how much do you make, j.j.?"}, {"x": "i'm 11.", "y": "oh, well, huh, now we all know you make excuses. i was talking about money."}, {"x": "i got a paper route.", "y": "good time to get into print media. am i right, dad?"}, {"x": "j.j.'s a heck of a basketball player.", "y": "uh, you don't strike me as the athletic type, jayj. dad, check it. triceps. what gym do you go to?"}, {"x": "fourth period?", "y": "sounds like you're having your fourth period. am i right, dad?!"}, {"x": "oh, okay, barney. uh, maybe that's enough.", "y": "why? j.j. started it. what does j.j. even stand for anyway? j... jerky... jerkface?"}, {"x": "j.j. stands for jerome jr.", "y": "jerome jr...? oh. he's... he's named after you. excuse me."}, {"x": "barney, what is going on?", "y": "this is mine."}, {"x": "i don't understand.", "y": "j.j. gets a childhood, a dad, a real family and a basketball hoop? no, no. i at least get the hoop. i'm taking it with me."}, {"x": "please, just come down and talk to me.", "y": "why? why should i? you're lame, okay? you're just some lame suburban dad."}, {"x": "why does that make you so mad?", "y": "because if you were gonna be some lame suburban dad, why couldn't you have been that for me?!"}, {"x": "look, barney, i know i screwed up...", "y": "oh, \"screwed up\" doesn't even begin to describe..."}, {"x": "i know, i know, i know! i want to fix this, and i don't know how! please, tell me what i can do! i'll do anything! you're never gonna get it down like that. barney. barney! just put the pointy end into the grooves. that's it. now turn it. righty tighty, lefty loosey. i have no good excuse, barney. it took me years before i was even able to look myself in the mirror for the way i let you down. it took courage to send me that letter. more courage than i've ever had. i owe you a lifetime of apologies, and i... i just have no idea where to begin.", "y": "can you help me with this?"}, {"x": "here, got it. look, if you... ever feel like you're ready, i'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life.", "y": "bye."}, {"x": "that's great. i can't wait! that's great. i can't wait!", "y": "ted, why are you dating our arch-enemy?! i mean, wile e. coyote wasn't trying to sleep with the roadrunner."}, {"x": "i have to quit.", "y": "quit gnb?! why?"}, {"x": "i need to do better things with my life, okay? there's-there's an opening for an environmental lawyer at the national resources defense council. sure, it pays less, but i'd be saving the oceans, saving endangered species...", "y": "saving chicken bones and an old boot to make hobo soup? marshall, you can't pay your mortgage with hacky sacks and good vibes."}, {"x": "baby, you have my full support.", "y": "well, then, you're not going to be able to pay for that trip to spain that you've been planning. say good-bye to riding around in gondolas, and eating bratwurst and seeing the pyramids."}, {"x": "i don't think you know what spain is.", "y": "well, i know that a trip there costs some serious lira."}, {"x": "it's dinero.", "y": "where? i want his autograph!"}, {"x": "he was the worst kisser i've ever been with. but the moment i decided to dump him...i suddenly got kind of wistful. he was a good boy.", "y": "yeah. i've been there, too. every time i'm done having sex with a woman, at first,i never want to see her again. no, that's pretty much it."}, {"x": "you're right. tomorrow, i'm quitting gnb.", "y": "no! you can't quit tomorrow! the lady with the big nipples is coming back to give another sexual harassment seminar, and i bribed one of the maintenance guys to keep the room at a brisk 55 degrees!"}, {"x": "i'm starting to feel bad for ted and zoey.", "y": "it starts with an... \"l?\""}, {"x": "it rhymes with your name.", "y": "and i said my name was...?"}, {"x": "hey, barney, there's a bunch of models in the lobby, and the gossip is one of them is really a dude. you want to play \"who's hot and who's scott?\"", "y": "it's always the one in the turtleneck, ted. and no, i don't want to play. stupid marshall-... ruined everything."}, {"x": "hey, guys. thanks. hey. i just had the best first day at the nrdc.", "y": "i'm sorry. sorry. something hershel said at work today."}, {"x": "hershel?", "y": "what, don't you guys know hershel? didn't i tell you? oh, he's the new lawyer who replaced marshall at gnb. he is so awesome and funny and tall... taller than marshall... and he knows way more laws."}, {"x": "well, i'm glad you like your new co-worker.", "y": "there's no hershel! i was just saying that to make you jealous! why do you insist we play these games?"}, {"x": "barney, i'm not playing...", "y": "just come back to gnb already!"}, {"x": "thanks, baby. oh. ooh, i gotta go. the invitations are ready. the party's for a bunch of environmentalists, so i found a guy downtown who makes biodegradable party invitations that can also be used as toilet paper.", "y": "that's how i'm gonna use mine."}, {"x": "why in the world do you care so much whether marshall works at gnb?", "y": "care? i don't care. i'm like, whatever. marshall who? he's stupid. hershel's way better."}, {"x": "okay, barney, is it possible that with everything that's gone on with your dad lately, you might have some unresolved abandonment issues you're transferring onto marshall?", "y": "oh! ugh! you are worse than my shrink. \"barney, we have to talk about your father.\" \"barney, i'm not going to teach you how to hypnotize people. you'll only use it for evil.\" \"barney, i am not going to conduct a couples session \"between you and this woman. she's obviously a prost*tute.\" i don't need this!"}, {"x": "okay, look, ted, i need a favor. would you mind driving out to kennedy with me to pick up this famous ecologist for marshall's fund-raiser? apparently, he only speaks spanish. and you speak spanish, right? perfect. let's go.", "y": "hey, marshall, it's me. listen, i know i've been kind of a jerk about your leaving gnb. i just wanted to call and say i'm sorry. no apologies necessary. we're good. good. um, hey, any chance you might maybe... i don't know... if you're not busy, uh, want to have lunch today?"}, {"x": "oh, buddy, i'd love to, but i can't.", "y": "oh, that's cool. no biggie. another time."}, {"x": "oh, my god!", "y": "how long have you been there?"}, {"x": "hey. i was in the neighborhood. i just wanted to check in on you. you seemed, um, you seemed really upset the other day.", "y": "oh, no, i'm fine."}, {"x": "okay. well, um, you want to go grab some lunch?", "y": "sure. hey, are you okay if i invite marshall to join us?"}, {"x": "my bag? oh, no. i got it.", "y": "there's nothing to talk about."}, {"x": "you trashed your office today. i mean, you obviously have some deep feelings you're not confronting. and i think they're about your dad.", "y": "i don't want to talk about it, okay?"}, {"x": "why not?", "y": "because i don't. and why am i explaining this to you? you're the most secretive person i know. you never tell anybody anything."}, {"x": "i've never... told anyone this before. um... i was 16. i was awakened around midnight by the sound of my father arguing with his business partner, andy grenier. as things grew heated... i watched my father's hand slowly coil around the heavy antique clock on his desk. the sun was just starting to rise over the bramble orchard as we packed the fresh earth down with the flats of our shovels. my dad and i got our stories straight. we walked back to the house in silence and... haven't talked about it since. but sometimes... on a still night... you can still hear that clock, ticking... ticking... ticking.", "y": "that's... the most harrowing story i've ever heard. is it true?"}, {"x": "no. but it did get you to drink three scotches, which is why you're ready to spill your guts.", "y": "fine! the reason i'm upset about marshall leaving gnb is... is...the meatball sub."}, {"x": "huh?", "y": "it all started months ago in the gnb commissary. it was meatball sub day."}, {"x": "hey, buddy, i think you got a tiny little bit of marinara sauce on your tie there.", "y": "i plotted my revenge for weeks. but nothing seemed right. then it hit me. the answer was so elegant and simple-- an exploding meatball sub. for months, i experimented. more... marinara sauce. finally, the sub was perfected. the plan was in place. the snare was baited. and then..."}, {"x": "barney, afraid this is good-bye. your buzz k*ll of a ma... thinks i'm a... a bad influence on you.", "y": "what? that's... what is that word you taught me? \"bull\" something?"}, {"x": "but she's your mother and i'm... you know, i'm just your uncle jerry. so, this is the last time i can see you.", "y": "but you're supposed to take me to see that zeppelin cover band next week. the night is gonna be... led-and-jerry."}, {"x": "sorry, buddy, but this is it. but don't you forget your training. what's a magician's best friend?", "y": "a drunk audience."}, {"x": "i'd love nothing more than to be a part of your life.", "y": "bye."}, {"x": "mmm. your dad?", "y": "my dad!"}, {"x": "hi, barney. it's your dad. look, would you like to go fishing with me and j.j. on sunday morning?", "y": "ooh, hold on, let me check my personality. oh, no. turns out i would never do that in a million years."}, {"x": "barney, look... i know you're disappointed that your dad is just... a boring old driving instructor from the suburbs. but that guy i used to be... \"crazy jerry\"? he was bad news! drinking, partying, sleeping around. the party can't go on forever. you're 35; i'm-i'm sure you're starting to realize that, right?", "y": "you do not know how right you are."}, {"x": "you sure? i feel like we collectively learn the opposite lesson, like, at least once a year.", "y": "i have to face an ugly truth. jerry whittaker, my own father, is anti-awesome-etic. i know crazy jerry's still in there somewhere, but he's trapped under 20 years of lawnmower parties and carpool barbecues."}, {"x": "wow, you know nothing about the suburbs.", "y": "well, this saturday night, i am bustin' him out. i'm gonna make jerry realize he was wrong about giving up his old life by showing him the awesomest night of all time. and for the awesomest night of all time, i'm going to need the awesomest friends of all time. okay, who do i know? guys...! do any of you know george clooney?"}, {"x": "that's why you brought these guys.", "y": "no. that's why i brought these guys. i've made some minor improvements to your identities. uh. mm! you'll find them on these cards."}, {"x": "improvements?!", "y": "yeah."}, {"x": "bro, we are already the four jiggity-jamminest dudes and dudettes this side of... okay, let's see the cards.", "y": "robin, no one watches the news unless it's a car chase or a nip slip. you are now a professional scotch taster. lily, jerry needs to learn that other lifestyles are just as fulfilling as monogamy, so now you and marshall are in an open marriage."}, {"x": "gross!", "y": "also, marshall, you can't just be unemployed, so you are now a gin-swilling, womanizing playwright. and, ted, just be yourself. just kidding. here's a giant pile of topics you should avoid talking about."}, {"x": "well. well, this could actually be fun. in fact, i believe it was oscar wilde who said, \"man is least himself when he talks...\"", "y": "ted, card."}, {"x": "ah. you're right... \"no quoting oscar wilde.\"", "y": "finally... robin, you're dating ted."}, {"x": "aw, man! why?", "y": "i can't have any single female friends lying around. my dad'll be all, why don't you marry robin? you guys are cute together. deep down, you know you were never happier than when you were with her. uh... no, thanks."}, {"x": "how good was that movie?", "y": "and... hence new identities."}, {"x": "playwright. we're all writers, just some of us don't know what our story is yet.", "y": "lily, his wife."}, {"x": "robin. hi. so nice to see you again.", "y": "wait, wait. jerry, i got to tell you the truth. guys, i'm gonna tell him. we're also a band."}, {"x": "so, saturday night... time to cut loose, right? who wants to split a beer?", "y": "oh, we're not drinking here. tonight we're going big. let's see, what club should we hit first? there's club was, there's wrong..."}, {"x": "um, those places shut down a long time ago.", "y": "oh, no."}, {"x": "where's where was was, isn't it?", "y": "no, was wasn't where where was, was was where wrong was, right?"}, {"x": "that's wrong. that's not wrong.", "y": "guys, focus."}, {"x": "i thought focus was closed.", "y": "no, was was closed. once was shut down, it reopened as closed."}, {"x": "guys, shut up.", "y": "no, shut up shut down. i can't believe i don't know the clubs anymore."}, {"x": "for the record, i was in there once by accident. i'm pretty sure it's pronounced lam\u00e9.", "y": "it's hopeless, isn't it?"}, {"x": "wow. a lot of these girls are young enough to be our daughters.", "y": "i know. daddy's home. and granddaddy's home! tonight rocks so hard!"}, {"x": "you owe me one.", "y": "man, isn't this place great?"}, {"x": "and so bourgeois. many of plays are about the bourgeois. and ennui. and one rock opera about... a frozen yogurt shop.", "y": "uh, l-lily, uh, talk about your open marriage."}, {"x": "what?", "y": "let's do sh*ts."}, {"x": "uh, no, thank you, barney. i have that fishing trip with j.j. early tomorrow. i... i better take it easy.", "y": "no. don't you remember what you said to me when i was a kid? \"never stop partying.\""}, {"x": "i said that? to a six-year-old? i don't remember that.", "y": "you don't remember the last thing you said to me when i was a kid? well... you know, why don't you just go back home?"}, {"x": "but i want to hang out with you.", "y": "yeah, well, i want to hang out with crazy jerry, not stay-at-home jerome."}, {"x": "hey, sugar! five beers for the table, a seven-and-seven for me, and your ten digits for this guy here! tonight crazy jerry's gonna burn this disco down! whoo! wa-hah!", "y": "can you believe it? this is awesome!"}, {"x": "barney, how is that awesome?", "y": "i finally know what it's like to be embarrassed by my dad."}, {"x": "so our usual wager. deal.", "y": "hey, uh, hey, jerry, y... you really want to be out here like this?"}, {"x": "oh, sorry, small-town preacher from the midwest, is there a law against dancing?", "y": "no, of course not. i... i just..."}, {"x": "oh, this club blows. let's hit the greatest party in the world, the streets of new york!", "y": "yeah! let's do it! uh, maybe fix the tie. but mostly, party!"}, {"x": "oh, look what i just ripped out of the ground!", "y": "oh...!"}, {"x": "too bad your playwright friend isn't a lawyer. barney, i'm so sorry. i'm afraid this is what it's like hanging out with crazy jerry.", "y": "it's okay, dad. i never thought tonight would be so awesome! so... next stop, strip club. the lusty leopard has a special..."}, {"x": "oh, for corn's sake, barney, i'm not drunk!", "y": "what?"}, {"x": "bottoms up, amigo!", "y": "but all those crazy things you did."}, {"x": "do you happen to remember what a magician's best friend is?", "y": "a drunk audience."}, {"x": "you want to fight me? well, i'll fight you, dummy!", "y": "no, no, no. you don't even know! right here!"}, {"x": "look. look what i just ripped out of the ground!", "y": "oh...!"}, {"x": "i... i just puked on the hood of that......police car.", "y": "well, why do all those things?"}, {"x": "i figured if i showed you what... \"never stop partying\" really looked like, you'd realize you can't do it forever. oh, well.", "y": "you lied to me all night for your own selfish reasons? daddy...!"}, {"x": "i wanted to hang out with you... you're my son. and since you didn't want to come with me and j.j. on that fishing tri... fishing trip. i'll never make it back in time now.", "y": "hey, you know, a... a pretty good magician like you probably knows how to, say, get out of a standard set of handcuffs."}, {"x": "perhaps.", "y": "well, here's something you didn't know... i'm a pretty good magician, too. abracadabra!"}, {"x": "hi, robin. could i have your phone number?", "y": "we need someplace to hide."}]
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